The Joe Rogan Experience - April 18, 2012


Joe Rogan Experience #207 - Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky

Topics
pet birds murders and unsolved homicides Cabin in the Woods tweaker heroin and music chess pool fighters and their humor cage fights cabin in the woods awesome kickouts in Florida your mom's house opening spot clean comedy in black clubs recording sets food Death Squad Chicago comedy scene podcast community link World Star Hip Hop brutality
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Tom Segura Christina Pazsitzky
Mentioned
Brian Joey Coco Diaz Hip Hop Twitter Beef Charlie Murphy Manny Pacquiao Jesus Christ Duncan Trussell Johnny Gill Mike Daisy Mike Tyson Tommy Oscar De La Hoya Neil Brennan Stanhope Hendrix Eddie Ray Joe Rogan Richard Ramirez Reggie McFadden Jim Norton and 89 more
Joe Rogan Experience #206 Eddie Bravo Joe Rogan Experience #208 - Freeway Rick Ross

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 48 minutes

Words per minute

205.89

Word count

34,744

Sentence count

4,444

Harmful content

Misogyny

184

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,434

sentences flagged

Hate speech

98

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, we talk about birds, foie gras, and why we should stop eating them. Also, we discuss the fact that birds don t give a shit about you, and that's a good thing because they don't even give a fuck about you. We also talk about why we shouldn't be allowed to have steakhouses in California, and how we should be able to eat steaks outside in the sun in the summer without getting sunburned. We also discuss why it's a bad idea to have chickens in cages and why you should just shoot them outside of your home if they're not eating enough calories and fat. And we also talk a little bit about how much we love birds and why they're cunts. We hope you enjoy this episode and that it makes you think about why you shouldn't have birds in your home. Also, if you don't like birds, you should get a gun to shoot them out of your window because they aren't eating enough of their own shit. Thanks for listening to this episode of Thick & Thin, we really appreciate it. Thank you so much for tuning in, and we hope you have a great rest of the week. Peace, Love, Blessings, Cheers, EJ & Rory xoxo, Caitlyn & Sarah Music: "Alyssa" - The Good, The Bad, the Good, the Bad, The Ugly, the Ugly and the Cunty" - "A.S.A. (feat. & the CUNty Duck) (Music: "Goodbye" by Ian Dorsch and "The CUNTY Duck" (featuring: "Fooie Gras" by Squeen) - "Cullen's Song" by & "The Good, Good, Bad, Goodbyes" by The Good Bad and the Badly Bad, "Cunty Duck" by "Piggy" by FOOIE GRASTS ( ) , "The Bad, Badbye, "Foe Gras and the Great, Goodbye" by Mr. ( ) and "CUNDERSTANDING" by Ms. BOBBYE ( ) - "PODCASTING" ( ) & "FOOIEGRAS ( ) by , "FRIENDS" ( is a song about birds and other things that don't care about you?

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 My theory is always, it's probably not scientifically based whatsoever, but my theory has always been that the things that are really hard to catch, those are the ones that are better for you.
00:00:09.000 And tastier? 0.91
00:00:11.000 Tastier, better for you, you know?
00:00:13.000 It's like fish. 0.99
00:00:13.000 Fish are fucking really hard to catch. 0.99
00:00:15.000 They're really good for you, you know? 0.99
00:00:16.000 Yeah.
00:00:17.000 Deer, really hard to catch, really good for you. 1.00
00:00:19.000 Big, fat, like, those Japanese fucking, what are those, what do they call those? 1.00
00:00:24.000 Kobe beef cows? 1.00
00:00:25.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:00:26.000 Those fucking cows, they're not running from anybody. 1.00
00:00:28.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:00:29.000 Yeah.
00:00:30.000 That's why it's terrible for you.
00:00:31.000 Terrible.
00:00:32.000 But delicious.
00:00:33.000 Tasty. 1.00
00:00:34.000 We're such assholes. 1.00
00:00:35.000 We've tricked animals to get so obese that they're on the verge of death because they're just packing fat everywhere in all their muscle tissue. 1.00
00:00:45.000 So delicious.
00:00:45.000 What about foie gras?
00:00:48.000 We're going to stop having that in California.
00:00:50.000 We're done, dude.
00:00:51.000 June. 1.00
00:00:51.000 They're so stupid. 1.00
00:00:52.000 So lame, man. 1.00
00:00:53.000 Birds are cunts, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99
00:00:55.000 Thank you. 1.00
00:00:55.000 100% of all birds that have ever lived are cunts. 1.00
00:00:58.000 They're cunts. 1.00
00:00:58.000 They don't give a fuck about you. 1.00
00:01:00.000 They really don't. 0.99
00:01:01.000 No birds care about you. 1.00
00:01:02.000 They don't even care about shit. 1.00
00:01:04.000 They look cute when they have little babies and they're swimming together. 1.00
00:01:06.000 But the reality is, you're going to eat them anyway.
00:01:08.000 Why is it okay to eat them?
00:01:09.000 It's not okay to overfeed them.
00:01:11.000 It's a really quick process.
00:01:13.000 I've watched them do it.
00:01:13.000 Really?
00:01:14.000 It literally only takes a couple seconds.
00:01:15.000 Yeah, with the tube?
00:01:16.000 Yeah, they take the goose, they put the tube into its mouth, they hold it there, and then they pour the grain down its stomach.
00:01:21.000 It's not in pain.
00:01:22.000 It only takes a couple seconds.
00:01:23.000 And then after that's over, the thing's just running around.
00:01:26.000 I mean, it's like, how is that...
00:01:28.000 Bad.
00:01:29.000 But the way they farm pigs, that's okay?
00:01:32.000 Yeah.
00:01:33.000 Or chickens. 0.60
00:01:33.000 That's legal. 0.60
00:01:34.000 You know why, though?
00:01:35.000 It's incredible.
00:01:36.000 It's a winnable topic for animal people because the people that are in...
00:01:45.000 Because foie gras is like a kind of...
00:01:47.000 It's a delicacy.
00:01:48.000 So it's not considered something that...
00:01:51.000 It's not like they're saying, we're going to try to take steaks out of the market.
00:01:54.000 Right.
00:01:54.000 It's something that is for...
00:01:56.000 It's elitist.
00:01:57.000 It's an elitist...
00:01:58.000 Food choice.
00:02:00.000 Most people don't eat any.
00:02:02.000 I mean, the great majority of people don't even know what foe gras is.
00:02:05.000 So they go, this is a totally inhumane way to make this.
00:02:09.000 They put it on a ballot, and they get enough momentum behind it where they can win it.
00:02:14.000 Yeah, I've seen the argument, and I'm certainly not one for animal cruelty, but...
00:02:19.000 It's not, you know, it might be bad if it was a person that you were doing that to.
00:02:23.000 Yeah, absolutely. 0.99
00:02:24.000 But you would never allow any of this shit they do to chickens for a human. 1.00
00:02:28.000 No humans are allowed to live like that. 1.00
00:02:31.000 Stacked on top of each other in their own shit. 1.00
00:02:33.000 You know what I mean? 1.00
00:02:34.000 The way they're doing chickens and pigs with these fucking cages where they can't even move and veal. 1.00
00:02:39.000 Whoa, that's all okay? 1.00
00:02:41.000 That's all okay. 0.99
00:02:42.000 But this cunty duck. 0.95
00:02:44.000 Right. 1.00
00:02:46.000 Fuck that cunty duck. 1.00
00:02:47.000 Stuff that fucking grain right there on its stupid mouth. 1.00
00:02:50.000 Give me your delicious liver. 1.00
00:02:52.000 I'm getting a gun just to shoot these birds outside of our window. 0.53
00:02:56.000 There's beautiful birds that they're building a nest on our house and they chirp every morning and I wake up to this wonderful bird song and it enrages my husband.
00:03:05.000 Oh, doesn't it?
00:03:05.000 And he's like, let's get the gun!
00:03:06.000 It drives you crazy.
00:03:07.000 Oh, I think it's beautiful.
00:03:09.000 I love hearing birds chirp.
00:03:11.000 But I have crows. 0.99
00:03:12.000 Those are cunts. 1.00
00:03:13.000 Those are evil fuckers. 1.00
00:03:14.000 You just hear them. 1.00
00:03:17.000 I don't hate bird chirping.
00:03:19.000 I don't like it at the hour sometimes.
00:03:21.000 One time I left a steak.
00:03:22.000 I had a steak and I forgot to defrost it.
00:03:24.000 And I figured, well, probably the best way to defrost it is to sit it outside in the sun.
00:03:29.000 I'm like, that's a good idea.
00:03:31.000 So I put it on my hand. 0.99
00:03:33.000 With the wrapping on, this fucking cunty crow was coming down there and pecking at my steak. 1.00
00:03:38.000 No shit. 1.00
00:03:38.000 Yeah, he ate like a little chunk of it before I figured out what he was doing. 1.00
00:03:42.000 That piece of shit. 1.00
00:03:43.000 I mean, I had only turned my back for like a minute. 1.00
00:03:45.000 That asshole was watching. 1.00
00:03:47.000 They watch what you're doing. 1.00
00:03:49.000 They look to see if there's anything that you're doing that could benefit them.
00:03:53.000 You're right.
00:03:53.000 The birds don't really like you, man.
00:03:54.000 They're cunts. 0.97
00:03:55.000 You ever had a pet bird? 0.99
00:03:57.000 Yes, I've had pet birds.
00:03:58.000 Shittiest pet of all time.
00:03:59.000 It's a one-way relationship.
00:04:01.000 It's moody. 1.00
00:04:02.000 It's in a mood to fucking... 1.00
00:04:03.000 And they shit on you constantly. 1.00
00:04:05.000 If you let them on your shoulder, they take a shit on you. 1.00
00:04:07.000 They fly around the house and they shit everywhere. 1.00
00:04:10.000 Oh, fuck that. 1.00
00:04:10.000 It's the worst. 1.00
00:04:11.000 They're dinosaurs.
00:04:12.000 They really are the last of the dinosaurs. 1.00
00:04:14.000 Bunnies are bad pets too, I always thought, because they just shit all the time. 0.99
00:04:18.000 But then lately, yeah, with Eddie and a couple other people, I'm like, wow, these seem like baby good pets. 0.99
00:04:23.000 Are they smart rabbits?
00:04:25.000 They're really affectionate.
00:04:27.000 They just want to cuddle with you and you pet them and they just snuggle up with you.
00:04:30.000 That's cool.
00:04:31.000 Yeah, it's cool.
00:04:32.000 They're sweet.
00:04:33.000 They're sweet little, but they're also delicious.
00:04:35.000 And when push comes to shove, the apocalypse is coming, they gots to go.
00:04:39.000 I've had rabbit before.
00:04:40.000 Oh, I like that too.
00:04:41.000 I like rabbit.
00:04:42.000 You do?
00:04:42.000 Yeah, I had it in a Moroccan restaurant in the valley once.
00:04:46.000 That's good.
00:04:47.000 You can season anything you eat in.
00:04:48.000 It's too gamey.
00:04:50.000 I thought it was pretty delicious.
00:04:52.000 When we lived in the Rampart Division, one of our neighbors had a rooster.
00:04:56.000 Yeah, our next door neighbor.
00:04:57.000 She called an animal protector.
00:04:59.000 Oh my god. 1.00
00:05:00.000 The fucking thing was crowing. 1.00
00:05:01.000 Oh my god. 1.00
00:05:02.000 Up four in the morning, you hear it.
00:05:03.000 Every single day. 1.00
00:05:04.000 Who the fuck would allow you to have a rooster? 1.00
00:05:06.000 That's an asshole pet to have. 1.00
00:05:08.000 That is a real asshole pet. 1.00
00:05:10.000 That's an asshole pet. 1.00
00:05:11.000 It was on a chain and stuff, man. 1.00
00:05:12.000 Jesus Christ.
00:05:13.000 It would run through the streets and everything.
00:05:15.000 Remember that? 1.00
00:05:16.000 Fucking... 1.00
00:05:16.000 Wow. 1.00
00:05:17.000 What a great neighborhood.
00:05:17.000 What was this lady?
00:05:18.000 This was an El Salvadorian neighborhood.
00:05:21.000 So she's from El Salvadorian?
00:05:23.000 I think it was a family.
00:05:25.000 How crazy was that?
00:05:25.000 Because we could see it off our balcony down.
00:05:27.000 Was it an apartment building or a house?
00:05:29.000 It was an apartment.
00:05:29.000 Apartments.
00:05:30.000 Yeah, apartments. 1.00
00:05:30.000 So they thought they could have a goddamn rooster in an apartment. 1.00
00:05:33.000 Oh, for sure, yeah. 1.00
00:05:34.000 How nutty is that? 0.99
00:05:35.000 And there was a lot of neighbors who had to be losing their fucking minds like we were. 0.99
00:05:39.000 Oh, my God. 1.00
00:05:40.000 We were the ones that were like, oh, you can call somebody for this shit, man. 1.00
00:05:44.000 This How the fuck does this crazy bitch think she's going to get away with having a rooster in her backyard? 1.00
00:05:48.000 Because the neighborhood is 100% El Salvadorian. 1.00
00:05:50.000 And they're just cool with that?
00:05:51.000 I think so.
00:05:52.000 That's crazy!
00:05:53.000 Because they're like, this is just like the village back home.
00:05:55.000 That's right.
00:05:55.000 Like, it's no different.
00:05:56.000 And no snitching.
00:05:57.000 You're not supposed to snitch on your neighbors, you know what I mean?
00:05:59.000 Wow.
00:06:00.000 Yeah, well...
00:06:00.000 So they just want...
00:06:01.000 Fuck them. 1.00
00:06:02.000 They want to get out of El Salvador, but they want to be like El Salvador. 1.00
00:06:05.000 For sure.
00:06:06.000 The whole neighborhood is completely like that.
00:06:07.000 That's crazy.
00:06:07.000 Turn it into the old country.
00:06:09.000 Yeah, I guess it's just...
00:06:10.000 Yeah, they had a lot of gunshots, too.
00:06:11.000 This is a better version.
00:06:12.000 Oh, really?
00:06:13.000 Oh, yeah, nightly.
00:06:14.000 Yeah.
00:06:15.000 Really?
00:06:15.000 That was a great neighborhood, yeah.
00:06:16.000 You used to hear gunshots nightly.
00:06:18.000 Was I talking to you?
00:06:18.000 Daily, sometimes.
00:06:19.000 Oh, my God.
00:06:20.000 Remember you were in the living room doing you-know-what? 0.98
00:06:22.000 Yeah, I was jerking off in the living room one time. 0.94
00:06:24.000 Yeah. 0.73
00:06:24.000 I wasn't there. 0.73
00:06:25.000 A bullet came through the window? 0.98
00:06:27.000 No, but it was like 2 in the afternoon and I'm like, just sitting on the couch, dick in my hand, laptop open, and I hear a fucking gunshot, but it sounds like somebody's on the balcony. 0.99
00:06:38.000 It's not like a distant, it's 2 in the afternoon, sun's out and you hear, bang! 0.98
00:06:43.000 And you're like, whoa, jump.
00:06:44.000 I threw the laptop and jump on the floor.
00:06:46.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99
00:06:47.000 Like, just dick out. 0.99
00:06:48.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:06:49.000 And I call Jose, the guy, the building manager, and I go, dude, did you hear that?
00:06:54.000 And he goes, hear what?
00:06:55.000 And I'm like, the gunshot?
00:06:57.000 Did you hear that?
00:06:58.000 He goes, no, I'm in the garage.
00:06:59.000 I didn't hear nothing.
00:07:00.000 And I go, all right, man.
00:07:02.000 I thought I heard a gunshot really loudly.
00:07:04.000 And he was like, I didn't hear anything.
00:07:05.000 I hang up the phone, and like two minutes later, the phone rings.
00:07:08.000 He's like, hey, Tom, it's Jose.
00:07:10.000 Yeah, some guy just got killed out on 6th Street.
00:07:12.000 And I'm like, oh, so that's what that was.
00:07:15.000 It was all blocked off.
00:07:16.000 Some guy had gone up to a guy on 6th Street, like 2 in the afternoon, shot him with a.357 right in the chest, one shot, and then put his hands up, got arrested.
00:07:31.000 Whoa.
00:07:31.000 Yeah, and that was the middle of the day.
00:07:34.000 Yeah, some people don't like each other.
00:07:37.000 There's a lot of people that don't get along.
00:07:39.000 It's a hateful world.
00:07:39.000 What a terrible way to be able to end it, too.
00:07:42.000 You can't just get away from that person.
00:07:44.000 You've got to put holes in them. 1.00
00:07:44.000 And to die on shitty 6th Street. 1.00
00:07:46.000 Ah, it's the worst. 1.00
00:07:47.000 In this shit neighborhood. 1.00
00:07:48.000 You know what's shit about that neighborhood? 1.00
00:07:49.000 Is that we had the ice cream truck that would come in, like, part right in front of the house in the same loop. 0.98
00:07:55.000 Yeah, but it wasn't even the traditional.
00:07:58.000 It had, like, a little El Salvadorian flavor to it.
00:08:00.000 Yeah.
00:08:01.000 There was some extra horns and whistles in it, yeah.
00:08:03.000 It was.
00:08:05.000 And remember the swap meet on like Alvarado?
00:08:08.000 Did you guys feel really uncomfortable living in this neighborhood?
00:08:11.000 It was the worst decision.
00:08:12.000 It was my fault because I was living in Silver Lake and I went on vacation.
00:08:15.000 I came back and my house had been infested with rats. 0.99
00:08:19.000 There was rat shit everywhere. 0.99
00:08:21.000 I had a grapefruit I had left out. 0.99
00:08:22.000 It was half eaten. 0.99
00:08:23.000 And I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here, man. 0.96
00:08:25.000 So this is the first place I could find, like the quickest place I could find. 0.98
00:08:29.000 And it was relatively safe, but it was a two-year disaster.
00:08:33.000 Wow, two years?
00:08:35.000 Why two?
00:08:36.000 Lazy, broke sometimes.
00:08:38.000 Broke, mostly, yeah.
00:08:38.000 It was cheap.
00:08:40.000 I don't know, I got used to it, and then we were like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.93
00:08:44.000 Wow. 0.57
00:08:45.000 And the other thing was, every night, we also were a block, I don't know if you remember, at this point it would be almost two years ago, on 6th Street, just a couple blocks from WeWares, where this El Salvadorian guy was crossing the street drunk.
00:08:58.000 Wow.
00:08:58.000 And he pulled out a knife, and he was wheeling around, and the cops shot him like 13 or 14 times, right?
00:09:04.000 Whoa.
00:09:05.000 So they killed him, and then the whole neighborhood rioted, and they walked up to the Rampart Division police station.
00:09:11.000 There was riots on the streets.
00:09:12.000 Yeah, helicopters everywhere.
00:09:13.000 We got on the roof of our building, and there was like...
00:09:15.000 Because it was nightly that we would see helicopters.
00:09:19.000 We would get the light would shine through our window every night.
00:09:24.000 But this night, we counted like 11, and they were just in a swarm above us, like a swarm of bees, just during the riot thing.
00:09:33.000 That was like a couple weeks we were like, alright, we're definitely going to move now. 0.99
00:09:37.000 We're done with this shit, man. 1.00
00:09:38.000 Wow. 1.00
00:09:38.000 Yeah, this is too crazy. 1.00
00:09:39.000 So we left that neighborhood.
00:09:40.000 Jesus Christ.
00:09:41.000 But there was a lot of gang fights.
00:09:42.000 18th Street Gang.
00:09:43.000 We were right in between them.
00:09:44.000 MS-13, yeah.
00:09:45.000 And they would tag on our wall, like our building wall.
00:09:47.000 I have a buddy who lives in Venice on the corner where his daughter plays in the little playground area.
00:09:53.000 Three kids get shot.
00:09:55.000 Oh, man.
00:09:56.000 Like, you know, one day you're there and someone pulls out a gun.
00:10:00.000 That can happen.
00:10:01.000 People die in a crossfire. 1.00
00:10:03.000 Shit happens. 1.00
00:10:04.000 What a crazy ass neighborhood to live in. 1.00
00:10:07.000 Venice apparently has a lot of that. 1.00
00:10:09.000 I got robbed by a wizard.
00:10:13.000 You know what happened when I lived in the valley one time?
00:10:15.000 My neighbor got murdered.
00:10:17.000 Oh, yeah.
00:10:18.000 And he got murdered in the front yard at night.
00:10:22.000 Shotgun shot seven times.
00:10:24.000 Oh, my God.
00:10:25.000 Which means they, like, reloaded.
00:10:26.000 Seven.
00:10:26.000 Oh, my God.
00:10:27.000 And I was the only one that didn't hear it.
00:10:30.000 Like, everybody...
00:10:32.000 How loud do you snore, dude?
00:10:34.000 I know, dude.
00:10:34.000 Because I was in a deep sleep.
00:10:36.000 And I remember my buddy Chuck came over me and he puts his hand on my chest.
00:10:39.000 He's like, Tommy! 0.99
00:10:40.000 And I was like, holy shit, man. 1.00
00:10:41.000 And he goes, you hear that shit? 1.00
00:10:42.000 And I'm like, clearly not. 1.00
00:10:43.000 No, I was just fucking asleep when you yelled at me. 0.97
00:10:46.000 And he was like, there was a lot of shots right there. 0.98
00:10:48.000 And this wasn't a bad neighborhood, really.
00:10:49.000 Wow.
00:10:49.000 So it was just someone really hated someone.
00:10:52.000 Well, it turns out, it kind of came out that he was dealing, I guess he was dealing some pretty major weight, so this was like a retaliation.
00:11:02.000 It was something drug-related.
00:11:04.000 But they never got the guys that got him.
00:11:06.000 Wow. 1.00
00:11:06.000 They blasted him on his front fucking yard. 1.00
00:11:08.000 And they never got the guys that got him. 1.00
00:11:10.000 Holy shit. 0.99
00:11:11.000 I wonder how much they actually catch as far as murders go. 0.99
00:11:16.000 You know what I think about a lot?
00:11:17.000 When you walk around, when you hear the percentage of unsolved homicides, how many times a day you cross paths with a murderer? 0.97
00:11:24.000 Oh, I'm convinced everybody is crazy. 0.95
00:11:27.000 A lot. 0.88
00:11:27.000 Yeah. 0.88
00:11:27.000 I don't trust anybody. 0.88
00:11:28.000 They say that the one way that's the most difficult to catch someone is if they just do something random, like walk in somewhere, shoot someone and kill them, and then leave.
00:11:38.000 Those are really...
00:11:39.000 I mean, that's why everyone's pushing for surveillance and surveillance drones.
00:11:43.000 That's the best way to catch people?
00:11:44.000 The best way to get away with it.
00:11:45.000 Oh, just random killings.
00:11:47.000 Not premeditated at all.
00:11:48.000 Not like someone who you obviously have already been pissed off at.
00:11:51.000 Yeah.
00:11:52.000 They say when the random ones happen, there's not much they can do.
00:11:55.000 There's still a high percentage of unsolved murders, man.
00:11:59.000 There's so many cases where they're just like, I just didn't get it.
00:12:03.000 That guy got away with it.
00:12:05.000 Yeah.
00:12:05.000 You don't have the evidence.
00:12:06.000 Or sometimes, a lot of times now, it's these understaffed, at least in the U.S., understaffed police departments.
00:12:13.000 They have too many murders for how many cops they can put on to solve crimes, you know?
00:12:20.000 Right.
00:12:21.000 If your murder rate keeps going up, you go to like, have you seen the murder rate in like Venezuela?
00:12:25.000 No.
00:12:26.000 No, no thanks. 1.00
00:12:27.000 Holy shit, dude. 0.99
00:12:28.000 Like Caracas, Venezuela has, like, I think our, our murder capital always fluctuates between like, New Orleans, Baltimore, Detroit, you know, sometimes it used to be like LA, New York, Miami gets in there. 0.99
00:12:42.000 And you're talking about in the 200 to 400 kind of fluctuation of murders.
00:12:48.000 And you take a city like Caracas, Venezuela has over a thousand.
00:12:52.000 Wow.
00:12:53.000 So you're talking about over four times the murders that happen in New Orleans?
00:13:00.000 And then you think about how many people you need...
00:13:02.000 It's a numbers game.
00:13:03.000 ...to solve, though, that many murders?
00:13:05.000 You just show up and you're just like, this is...
00:13:07.000 That's insane.
00:13:08.000 We got 27 on the other side of town.
00:13:09.000 I don't know if we're going to get to this one. 0.99
00:13:10.000 They don't give a shit about you in Venezuela, either. 0.99
00:13:12.000 There's no... 0.99
00:13:13.000 Yeah, probably not.
00:13:13.000 A lot of Mexican cities have ridiculously high...
00:13:16.000 Like, Monterey has really high fucking murder rate, man. 1.00
00:13:19.000 Like... 1.00
00:13:20.000 Unsolvable.
00:13:21.000 It's not solvable.
00:13:22.000 Wow.
00:13:22.000 It's just a part of life.
00:13:23.000 Murder's just a part of life.
00:13:25.000 Yeah, you're not going to get to it all.
00:13:26.000 Wow.
00:13:26.000 Too many other things.
00:13:27.000 That sucks. 0.86
00:13:27.000 It's crazy that that's going on in 2012, you know, because we have this sort of distorted perception of safety. 0.86
00:13:34.000 Oh, it's illusory.
00:13:35.000 I don't trust when people are like, like strangers.
00:13:38.000 Like, this week I was in Cleveland, and the manager of the club was like, oh, let me take you to the market in Cleveland.
00:13:43.000 I was like, I don't know, man.
00:13:44.000 I don't know you.
00:13:45.000 I texted, I texted Bert.
00:13:47.000 Yeah, I text him and I'm like, is this guy on the level?
00:13:49.000 I don't trust anybody.
00:13:51.000 You're right.
00:13:52.000 You're right to not.
00:13:53.000 You never know.
00:13:54.000 You asked me, is he going to kill me?
00:13:56.000 Is he going to kidnap me?
00:13:57.000 I don't think so.
00:13:58.000 I grew up in LA, man.
00:14:00.000 I'm street savvy.
00:14:01.000 I don't leave windows open at night.
00:14:02.000 Yeah, she's a real freak about that. 0.99
00:14:04.000 I don't trust anybody.
00:14:05.000 Big city people have that fear more.
00:14:06.000 You should be.
00:14:07.000 Yeah, if you grew up in L.A. Yeah.
00:14:09.000 Remember the Night Stalker?
00:14:11.000 She was here for the Night Stalker.
00:14:13.000 Richard Ramirez?
00:14:14.000 Yeah.
00:14:14.000 As a child, you couldn't sleep with your window open because that guy was going to come in and steal you and stab you.
00:14:19.000 What would your dad say? 1.00
00:14:20.000 Fuck that. 1.00
00:14:20.000 Oh, my dad doesn't give a fuck. 1.00
00:14:22.000 My dad's Hungarian. 1.00
00:14:23.000 He's like, I don't give a fuck. 1.00
00:14:24.000 Fuck Richard Ramirez. 1.00
00:14:25.000 I kill that cocksucker if he comes in. 1.00
00:14:28.000 I was like, alright man. 1.00
00:14:29.000 But he liked to listen to the police scanner too, my dad.
00:14:32.000 And like, figure out what crime was going on.
00:14:34.000 That's hilarious.
00:14:35.000 Yeah.
00:14:36.000 Yeah, Richard Ramirez was a scary guy.
00:14:38.000 You know, a lot of women try to marry that dude. 1.00
00:14:39.000 He's married.
00:14:40.000 Yeah.
00:14:41.000 He's married now.
00:14:41.000 He's married?
00:14:42.000 Yeah.
00:14:42.000 Good for him.
00:14:43.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:14:43.000 I hope that shit works out. 1.00
00:14:45.000 Yeah, that's a terrifying dude. 1.00
00:14:47.000 Yeah, he did some horrible things to people.
00:14:49.000 He was caught by citizens.
00:14:51.000 Yeah, street justice.
00:14:52.000 How did he catch him?
00:14:53.000 He was leaving the scene.
00:14:55.000 He had tried to murder somebody, or maybe he did murder one of the people, and he was getting to his car.
00:15:01.000 Was it Simi Valley, I want to say?
00:15:03.000 Yeah, and people tackled him.
00:15:04.000 He was tackled by everyday people.
00:15:07.000 Whoa.
00:15:07.000 Because his picture was all over the news at that point.
00:15:09.000 Like this was like the height of the fever.
00:15:11.000 Imagine how horrifying that would feel to see that guy in your neighborhood after his picture had been all over the news and there he is right there.
00:15:17.000 Yeah.
00:15:18.000 Coming from the scene of a murder.
00:15:20.000 I think it was three people that wowed him down.
00:15:22.000 And held him down.
00:15:22.000 Why didn't they beat him to death?
00:15:24.000 That's a good question. 0.77
00:15:25.000 That's a really good question.
00:15:26.000 I haven't read this story in a while. 0.96
00:15:28.000 I'm pretty sure I would have beat him to death.
00:15:30.000 I don't even think I would have thought twice about it. 0.98
00:15:32.000 Probably.
00:15:34.000 He's got a gun in his hand, too. 1.00
00:15:35.000 Yeah, I would have beat that guy to death. 0.99
00:15:37.000 For sure.
00:15:38.000 Yeah, and I don't think you get in trouble for it, right?
00:15:39.000 I don't care. 1.00
00:15:40.000 It's a real piece of shit like that. 1.00
00:15:41.000 I would say I lost my mind. 1.00
00:15:43.000 I went temporary insanity.
00:15:44.000 Yeah.
00:15:45.000 Crime of passion?
00:15:46.000 Yeah, and I would.
00:15:47.000 I would go temporary and say, could you imagine if, maybe if, like, perhaps he killed somebody you know?
00:15:51.000 Or you were worried he was going to kill somebody you know?
00:15:53.000 Like, you were thinking about him killing your mom or something like that?
00:15:55.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:15:56.000 You know how fucking crazy you can get? 1.00
00:15:57.000 Have you ever thought somebody was going to kill you at any point in your life? 1.00
00:16:00.000 Yes.
00:16:00.000 No.
00:16:01.000 You?
00:16:01.000 Yes?
00:16:02.000 Really? 1.00
00:16:02.000 There was, like, a time when I was, like, a stupid teenager and I was high and I'd take a ride with someone and you're like, I'm going to fucking die! 1.00
00:16:08.000 You know? 1.00
00:16:09.000 Well, no.
00:16:10.000 Or somebody that was driving me was on acid when I was like a teenager.
00:16:14.000 If you look at serial killers, that's the creepiest thing ever.
00:16:18.000 The creepiest thing ever is people that just decide they get a kick out of killing people.
00:16:22.000 So they go look to try to find people to kill.
00:16:25.000 Get a rush out of it. 1.00
00:16:25.000 You could just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and run into one of those motherfuckers. 1.00
00:16:29.000 I know. 1.00
00:16:30.000 And there's no rationale to why they want to kill certain people or just have a thing for certain people.
00:16:37.000 Well, Ted Bundy didn't like brunettes because some brunette broke his heart. 1.00
00:16:41.000 So all the girls he got were brunettes, yeah. 0.96
00:16:44.000 You know, I have met a lot of dudes that I don't think were serial killers.
00:16:50.000 But I think developed a hate for women. 0.80
00:16:54.000 Like a real hate over years and years of rejection.
00:16:57.000 Their egos can't handle it.
00:16:59.000 And they decide that there's something wrong with that person because they're constantly associating that person with negative feelings.
00:17:05.000 You know what I mean?
00:17:06.000 Like they always associate women with being rejected.
00:17:10.000 With being humiliated, with being mocked and laughed at.
00:17:13.000 So they associate them with pain.
00:17:15.000 And their meager brains just aren't able to realize that that's just a person. 0.99
00:17:19.000 That person doesn't owe you shit. 0.99
00:17:20.000 And you're really not that attractive. 1.00
00:17:22.000 And why would she want to fuck you, you asshole? 1.00
00:17:25.000 Just think about what you're offering her. 1.00
00:17:28.000 I don't know how you could fix that, but that's what you need to concentrate on.
00:17:31.000 Instead of concentrating on what people like.
00:17:33.000 Getting angry at people for not liking you.
00:17:35.000 That gets to be a weird thing.
00:17:37.000 It morphs into a bigger thing, too, because they get to sit on it and think about it.
00:17:41.000 So it becomes a bigger picture thing for them.
00:17:44.000 They're like, all women. 1.00
00:17:46.000 I've felt that before. 0.91
00:17:47.000 I've walked into radio stations, and the assumption is, maybe they've seen photographs of me, and they're like, oh, she's going to be a cunty blonde. 1.00
00:17:55.000 And sometimes I sense it, like the assumption is that I'll be a dick to them. 0.99
00:18:00.000 And I'm like, no way. 1.00
00:18:01.000 I'm not saying that I'm the hottest, but I think the assumption is if you're a somewhat attractive girl, you're going to be a douchebag. 0.99
00:18:07.000 I know Ari didn't like girls. 1.00
00:18:09.000 Really?
00:18:09.000 Yeah, I did his podcast.
00:18:10.000 What do you mean Ari doesn't like girls? 1.00
00:18:11.000 Ari Shafir.
00:18:12.000 He and I did a podcast.
00:18:13.000 He came over and I just sensed that he has that thing with some girls where he thinks that we hate him.
00:18:20.000 But we hashed it out.
00:18:22.000 Yeah, we hashed it out.
00:18:23.000 Ari's not a handsome fella.
00:18:24.000 But he gets really attractive girls, though.
00:18:28.000 Of course he does.
00:18:28.000 He's a badass comedian, but his look is odd.
00:18:33.000 You're going to have to deal with a certain amount of rejection.
00:18:36.000 Yeah.
00:18:37.000 I think he's beautiful.
00:18:38.000 But I mean, he's cool.
00:18:39.000 So what do you mean, though, that he doesn't...
00:18:41.000 Do you really think that that's what it was, that he doesn't like women?
00:18:45.000 Yeah, I think that he did have...
00:18:47.000 So it's from rejection.
00:18:48.000 Yes, absolutely.
00:18:49.000 Because he's had his heart smashed, I think, by some good-looking broads. 1.00
00:18:52.000 Yeah.
00:18:53.000 And, yeah, I mean, when he came over, I asked him that.
00:18:56.000 It's based on how many women you're interacting with and where you're at in your life while you're interacting with them. 0.94
00:19:03.000 Sometimes the relationship means more than it should to you because you don't have a whole lot of shit going on outside of it. 0.95
00:19:11.000 You know what I mean? 0.53
00:19:13.000 My feelings on relationships are always, if someone doesn't want to be with me anymore, I don't want them to be with me.
00:19:19.000 And that's cool in the gang, and good luck with whatever you're onto.
00:19:24.000 But what did Ari say, though?
00:19:25.000 Oh, um, no, because I brought it up.
00:19:28.000 I was like, I have this, I feel this unspoken animosity that you have towards me, like over the years, because I'd, and I thought, you know, maybe I'm projecting, maybe that's my bullshit that I'm projecting on him. 0.99
00:19:40.000 And, and I was like, I just sense that you don't like girls, like you hate women. 0.97
00:19:44.000 And he's like, you know, maybe a little bit, you're right, because I came up with a comedy store, and I was rolling with those boys.
00:19:50.000 I mean, so I think he had a little bit of the comedy store.
00:19:53.000 He was rolling with those boys?
00:19:54.000 Like us?
00:19:55.000 No, no, not you.
00:19:56.000 Oh, Dave Taylor?
00:19:57.000 Yeah, like those boys. 1.00
00:19:58.000 They're kind of shitty. 0.98
00:19:59.000 And I think the assumption he had is that if you're a cute girl, that you get ahead in comedy faster, which I don't know if it's true. 0.99
00:20:06.000 Maybe they do.
00:20:06.000 So what?
00:20:07.000 Yeah, so what?
00:20:08.000 It is what it is.
00:20:09.000 You recognize it.
00:20:11.000 And you know what?
00:20:11.000 Real quality will always shine anyway.
00:20:14.000 It doesn't matter.
00:20:16.000 If someone's getting through just because they're cute, their quality of their work is going to be exposed.
00:20:22.000 Well, yeah, you can't go forever.
00:20:23.000 It doesn't matter.
00:20:23.000 It's not going to last.
00:20:24.000 Yeah, what's good is good.
00:20:25.000 And if someone gets a little advantage because they're hot, good for them. 0.80
00:20:28.000 They got a lucky break.
00:20:29.000 Look at that. 0.99
00:20:30.000 And since when is show business a meritocracy for one fucking thing? 0.99
00:20:33.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99
00:20:34.000 Exactly. 1.00
00:20:34.000 That's all hater bullshit. 1.00
00:20:36.000 That's all that is. 0.99
00:20:36.000 All that stuff is just hater bullshit, worrying about other people getting ahead. 0.99
00:20:40.000 It's so dumb. 1.00
00:20:41.000 It's the dumbest stuff that comedians and entertainers and I'm sure folks in all sorts of walks of life entertain themselves with. 1.00
00:20:49.000 They let their mind go into these unfixable little circles where you look at someone else's success as somehow or another that's bad for you. 0.98
00:20:58.000 Right.
00:20:59.000 Yeah, like it hurt you.
00:21:00.000 It makes you feel inadequate or whatever. 0.99
00:21:03.000 You should look at that, whatever it is, and use all that shit and be inspired. 0.99
00:21:09.000 That's what you should do. 0.99
00:21:10.000 Even if someone you fucking hate is doing well, you should say, whoa, this makes me want to work hard. 0.97
00:21:16.000 This makes me want to push. 0.99
00:21:17.000 This makes me want to get ahead.
00:21:19.000 Use it.
00:21:20.000 Use it as inspiration. 1.00
00:21:21.000 But don't ever let yourself get to that, who the fuck this fucking guy's name fucking sucks, what about me? 1.00
00:21:27.000 Can't get to that state of mind, because that's a negative, just a shit, sloshy, no progress, wishy-washy state of mind. 1.00
00:21:36.000 It's a bitch state of mind. 1.00
00:21:38.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00
00:21:39.000 We've all done it.
00:21:40.000 I did it a bunch when I first started out.
00:21:43.000 I was too competitive.
00:21:47.000 Getting involved in open mic nights.
00:21:50.000 Everyone was competitive about who did well. 0.99
00:21:53.000 We didn't know what the fuck we were doing. 0.98
00:21:55.000 We're open micers. 0.96
00:21:56.000 We don't know what we're doing.
00:21:57.000 But I think there's a little something to being competitive with your peers, but it should never be negative.
00:22:06.000 You've got to keep it from being something where it's a consuming thing. 0.97
00:22:12.000 When I see people, and I've seen it, I've seen it firsthand, like recently, comics that were talking about a comic that was successful, and they were talking shit about them. 0.97
00:22:23.000 And I was listening to them talking shit about them, and I can see the... 0.98
00:22:27.000 It didn't matter what they were saying. 0.99
00:22:30.000 They were basically...
00:22:31.000 You know, it's that state.
00:22:36.000 It's that state.
00:22:37.000 It doesn't matter what words are coming out. 1.00
00:22:40.000 That's a shitty state of mind. 0.98
00:22:43.000 You can't say... 0.98
00:22:44.000 If a guy's doing well, that means someone's liking him.
00:22:47.000 And you might not like certain aspects of his work.
00:22:51.000 But does it really bug you that much?
00:22:54.000 Or is what's really bugging you the fact that this guy is doing something?
00:22:59.000 Or that you're not doing enough with your own life.
00:23:01.000 And that's usually what it is.
00:23:02.000 When you're like, why is that person...
00:23:04.000 Something's wrong with you, man.
00:23:05.000 Your head's not right. 0.52
00:23:06.000 Judging them on...
00:23:08.000 I mean, look, there's going to be stuff you like and stuff you don't like.
00:23:10.000 There's always going to be that.
00:23:12.000 I went to see that Cabin in the Woods.
00:23:14.000 Loved it.
00:23:15.000 Loved it.
00:23:15.000 I knew you would love it.
00:23:16.000 Stupid as fuck. 1.00
00:23:17.000 Ridiculous movie. 1.00
00:23:18.000 Had a great time. 0.93
00:23:19.000 I love that.
00:23:20.000 Like what he says about movies.
00:23:21.000 Sometimes I'm on board, but most of the time I'm really surprised.
00:23:24.000 Yo, Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 91%.
00:23:27.000 Yeah.
00:23:27.000 Okay.
00:23:28.000 91? 0.99
00:23:28.000 Yeah, and Eddie's like, it's the worst fucking movie ever. 0.99
00:23:31.000 Oh my god, I enjoyed the shit out of that movie. 1.00
00:23:33.000 And then he describes it as like fucking porn coming out of his mouth slowly. 1.00
00:23:37.000 Yeah, but Brian's like, dude, this might be your favorite movie. 1.00
00:23:39.000 Dude, there's even werewolves in this movie.
00:23:41.000 I know.
00:23:42.000 People got jacked by werewolves.
00:23:43.000 That's why I left.
00:23:44.000 That's why I went to the bathroom. 1.00
00:23:45.000 It's a crazy hybrid weird fucking movie. 1.00
00:23:49.000 It's kind of silly. 1.00
00:23:51.000 It's a fun movie, right? 0.89
00:23:52.000 Yes, yes.
00:23:53.000 But there's almost aspects of it where you could consider it a comedy.
00:23:56.000 Like I see what Eddie was saying.
00:23:57.000 It was totally over the top. 0.98
00:23:58.000 But really fucking fun. 0.99
00:24:01.000 Really fun. 1.00
00:24:02.000 Stupid ass fucking horror movie with a massive twist. 1.00
00:24:07.000 The twist I won't get into. 1.00
00:24:08.000 Okay. 0.97
00:24:08.000 But I enjoyed the shit out of it. 0.97
00:24:10.000 I enjoyed the shit out of it. 0.99
00:24:11.000 That's what it's all about, man. 0.97
00:24:12.000 Yeah, man.
00:24:13.000 I'm not in the movies to have it mimic real life and have things be completely random and unpredictable.
00:24:20.000 I guess what?
00:24:20.000 I have a real life.
00:24:22.000 Life's hard enough.
00:24:23.000 I'll go to the movies.
00:24:23.000 I want to see monsters.
00:24:25.000 I want to see explosions and aliens and UFOs.
00:24:28.000 You know what? 0.99
00:24:28.000 UFOs are fucking bummer movies when you see the trailer. 0.99
00:24:31.000 Fuck a bummer movie. 1.00
00:24:33.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:24:33.000 Plus that one we were like, no. 1.00
00:24:35.000 First of all, I don't want to see that silent movie. 0.99
00:24:37.000 Yeah, that movie can suck it. 0.99
00:24:39.000 No thanks. 1.00
00:24:40.000 Fuck that movie. 1.00
00:24:41.000 We invented sound for a reason. 1.00
00:24:43.000 Duncan was like, you gotta see it!
00:24:45.000 It's great art, man!
00:24:47.000 Aleister Crowley, man!
00:24:50.000 Freak you out!
00:24:51.000 I don't need any more art. 1.00
00:24:53.000 Like AIDS and shit. 1.00
00:24:55.000 Yeah, it's always like... 0.99
00:24:56.000 What is it?
00:24:57.000 She got cancer or whatever.
00:24:59.000 Cancer and then they shot my son. 1.00
00:25:01.000 Oh, fuck you. 1.00
00:25:02.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:25:03.000 The movie's amazing. 1.00
00:25:04.000 And I'm like, no, it's not amazing.
00:25:05.000 No, it's not.
00:25:05.000 I'm not even getting bummed out.
00:25:07.000 I'm not even getting bummed out.
00:25:09.000 No.
00:25:09.000 This is supposed to be entertainment for me.
00:25:11.000 These motherfuckers take themselves so seriously. 1.00
00:25:13.000 And just because you can depict something depressing and it depresses me, it doesn't mean it's good. 1.00
00:25:18.000 Yeah.
00:25:18.000 Okay?
00:25:18.000 It means you did a really good job of making something fucking depressing.
00:25:21.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:25:22.000 It's not good.
00:25:22.000 Imagine if you were like, if comedy had so much leeway, if we could make depressing stand-up.
00:25:28.000 I guess a lot of stand-up would be kind of depressing. 0.99
00:25:30.000 It would be the most depressing shit in the world. 0.97
00:25:33.000 If comics just were like, I'm going to share this stuff. 0.99
00:25:35.000 If we told the truth, you would jump without punchlines.
00:25:37.000 I'm going to share this stuff with no jokes.
00:25:38.000 Ready?
00:25:39.000 Yeah.
00:25:40.000 Ooh.
00:25:41.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:25:42.000 Childhood shit. 1.00
00:25:43.000 That negative shit you're talking about, where comics going like, fuck that. 1.00
00:25:48.000 You know where you see that a lot? 1.00
00:25:49.000 Is when you do the road, and you...
00:25:51.000 You run into other comics on the road who are, and a lot of times they'll start with, like, I used to live in L.A. And you're like, oh yeah, how's that? 0.99
00:25:58.000 And they're like, fuck that place, man. 0.98
00:26:00.000 And you're like, here it goes. 1.00
00:26:01.000 Alright, open up. 1.00
00:26:02.000 And then they do the whole, like, you know, it's all bullshit. 0.98
00:26:05.000 And I just realized, like, it doesn't even matter if you're any good at it. 0.99
00:26:08.000 And I'm like, nah, I think it does matter if you're good at it.
00:26:10.000 I think that helps a lot.
00:26:11.000 And, you know, they give you the whole speech. 0.99
00:26:13.000 They're like, it's all shit, and that's why I left. 0.99
00:26:15.000 I used to do it, but now I like it here in fucking Podunk, Iowa. 1.00
00:26:20.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.98
00:26:20.000 And you're like, Yeah. 0.98
00:26:21.000 Good, man. 1.00
00:26:22.000 I think you're going to run shit in this town in no time, so just stay here. 1.00
00:26:25.000 The worst is then, as the night goes on, he starts drinking and gets even more bitter. 1.00
00:26:30.000 That's the best.
00:26:31.000 And towards the end, the L.A. guy.
00:26:33.000 The L.A. guy is here.
00:26:35.000 We should let him talk.
00:26:37.000 He's the LA guy.
00:26:39.000 When I moved out here, my uncle goes, I used to live in LA. I hated it.
00:26:43.000 And I was like, oh.
00:26:44.000 And when he said goodbye, he was just like, yeah, by the way, I used to live there. 1.00
00:26:48.000 It fucking sucks. 0.99
00:26:48.000 That was for his goodbye message, too. 0.99
00:26:51.000 Wow.
00:26:52.000 Positive energy.
00:26:52.000 I love when people tell me that they hate LA. What a good dude.
00:26:55.000 Yeah.
00:26:55.000 It's my favorite.
00:26:56.000 Yeah, you hate LA. You've never even been to LA. I'm like, that's cool, man.
00:26:58.000 I love it there.
00:26:59.000 I enjoy myself. 0.99
00:27:00.000 It's people that have never even been here that LA has a lot of bullshit attached to it. 0.99
00:27:05.000 Of course. 0.98
00:27:06.000 But it's got a lot of great stuff, too.
00:27:07.000 I love my neighborhood.
00:27:09.000 There's a lot of great stuff in LA. But the comedy clubs, I mean, where is it that you have a city that has, like, Pasadena Ice House is only 20 minutes away, okay?
00:27:17.000 You got, right there on Melrose, you got the Improv, one of the greatest clubs in the country.
00:27:21.000 You got the Laugh Stop, or the Laugh Factory, rather, and the Comedy Store.
00:27:24.000 All in one city.
00:27:25.000 You got Hermosa.
00:27:26.000 Yeah, and you got Hermosa, Comedy and Magic Club.
00:27:29.000 That's another... 0.99
00:27:29.000 Pretty fucking dangerous. 0.99
00:27:30.000 It's amazing. 0.99
00:27:31.000 LA in general, though.
00:27:32.000 What?
00:27:33.000 Hermosa?
00:27:33.000 No, LA in general.
00:27:35.000 Oh, man.
00:27:35.000 I don't know.
00:27:37.000 Besides the gangs and all that crap, but just the fact that there's a lot of drugs out here. 0.99
00:27:42.000 There's a lot of fucking fast cars. 0.99
00:27:44.000 There's a lot of people making bad decisions out here. 0.99
00:27:47.000 Fast cars?
00:27:47.000 It just seems like everything...
00:27:49.000 He's seven.
00:27:50.000 He doesn't know that people drive.
00:27:52.000 That's insane.
00:27:52.000 I see it all the time though.
00:27:55.000 I'll be on sunset at 3 in the morning and suddenly a Ferrari goes down the street going like 200 and you're like, really?
00:28:01.000 You just blew like three red lights right there.
00:28:03.000 That's crazy. 0.97
00:28:04.000 But I love that this is one of your focuses for the shitty part of the city. 1.00
00:28:06.000 All these fast fucking cars, man. 0.99
00:28:08.000 They're just driving around. 1.00
00:28:09.000 The real problem with the city is Lamborghinis.
00:28:12.000 I'm just saying in general that it's not normal.
00:28:16.000 The people out here are in the entertainment business.
00:28:18.000 They're in a certain kind of field of jobs.
00:28:20.000 So it's a lot of different thinking than, say, a normal city where you have a little bit of everything.
00:28:26.000 You have a little bit of people that are bankers, farmers.
00:28:30.000 It's definitely crazy. 0.99
00:28:32.000 I see shit all the time. 1.00
00:28:33.000 I'm like, if my mom saw that, that would be crazy if my mom just saw that. 1.00
00:28:38.000 Yeah, I agree with you to a certain extent, but it's also the circles you run in.
00:28:43.000 You're running around going to these crazy parties and hanging out with these weird people.
00:28:47.000 I got robbed at a karaoke bar across the street from NBC. Wow.
00:28:52.000 In Burbank.
00:28:53.000 In Burbank.
00:28:55.000 That's odd, but that's an anomaly.
00:28:56.000 That can happen though, but you know, whenever there's a bar, you run into the possibility that someone might try to rob people coming out of the bar. 0.95
00:29:02.000 Because people are drunk, and when drunk people come out of a bar and you rob them, I'm like, what the fuck are the cops going to do about that? 0.76
00:29:09.000 You know, the cops are going to...
00:29:11.000 What is your perception going to be like?
00:29:13.000 What is the story going to be like?
00:29:14.000 Do you really remember what the guy looked like?
00:29:16.000 You know what I mean? 0.96
00:29:17.000 If you're hammered, the cops are talking, and you're like, the guy fucking pulled a gun on me, and where's my money? 0.97
00:29:23.000 What? 0.95
00:29:24.000 There's my money, man.
00:29:26.000 The cop's going to be like, all right, sir. 0.91
00:29:28.000 Okay, you say he was black? 0.71
00:29:30.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.80
00:29:31.000 You know, come on.
00:29:32.000 Good luck with that. 0.90
00:29:33.000 That's the perfect guy to rob.
00:29:34.000 So it might not have necessarily been, you know, that Burbank is dangerous.
00:29:38.000 It might have been somebody targeted that bar. 0.99
00:29:40.000 People do shit like that. 0.99
00:29:41.000 You're right, though, that when you're on the road, especially if you spend four or five days, and you go out kind of more the third and fourth day, and you're like, this is a different speed, a smaller city. 1.00
00:29:50.000 Oh, most definitely.
00:29:51.000 This is way different.
00:29:52.000 Yeah, well, when I lived in Colorado and I came back to here, I noticed a huge difference in the way people drive.
00:29:58.000 People drive 50% faster here.
00:30:01.000 Everywhere.
00:30:01.000 Those fast cars, man.
00:30:03.000 Yeah.
00:30:04.000 They cut a lot of people off, and they don't use blinkers as much, and it's way less courteous.
00:30:09.000 I still feel like South Florida holds the trophy on that one.
00:30:15.000 Oh, for country driving? 1.00
00:30:16.000 An asshole driving? 1.00
00:30:16.000 Holy shit. 1.00
00:30:17.000 There's nothing like it. 1.00
00:30:18.000 You can feel it. 0.99
00:30:19.000 As you go down 95, you hit Lauderdale, and then once you get to northern Dade County, you're like, holy shit, man. 0.98
00:30:26.000 Dude, I did the Fort Lauderdale Improv this weekend. 0.96
00:30:28.000 Oh my gosh. 1.00
00:30:29.000 What a fucking great club. 1.00
00:30:31.000 Yeah, it's a great club. 1.00
00:30:32.000 What a fun time.
00:30:33.000 I guess I did it last night.
00:30:34.000 No, night before last.
00:30:35.000 What's today?
00:30:36.000 Night before last.
00:30:37.000 Wednesday.
00:30:38.000 I don't remember what day it is. 0.95
00:30:39.000 Fort Lauderdale was fucking amazing. 0.97
00:30:41.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:30:42.000 It was amazing.
00:30:42.000 Great crowds.
00:30:43.000 It's a good room.
00:30:44.000 They're wild.
00:30:45.000 The energy is just like, wow.
00:30:47.000 It's good. 0.95
00:30:47.000 Yeah, they're crazy people. 0.95
00:30:49.000 I feel like you have to turn it up. 0.78
00:30:51.000 That's how tired I am.
00:30:52.000 I forgot about yesterday for a half a second.
00:30:54.000 I know.
00:30:54.000 Oh my God.
00:30:55.000 It's ridiculous. 0.97
00:30:56.000 Yeah. 0.89
00:30:56.000 I know, dude. 0.89
00:30:57.000 Lauderdale's nuts, man. 0.57
00:30:58.000 It's a wild place, man. 1.00
00:31:00.000 They fucking party hard down there in Fort Lauderdale. 0.99
00:31:02.000 I think South Florida's all about, you know, you go down there and you realize that if you go actually into Miami, that you can go to places that close at 5 and that open at 5.30 a.m. 0.99
00:31:15.000 for the after party.
00:31:17.000 And it's not that rare.
00:31:18.000 So they clean up for a half hour?
00:31:19.000 Or they just go to another place. 1.00
00:31:20.000 And by the time you get there, that shit's open. 1.00
00:31:22.000 Wow. 1.00
00:31:23.000 You can party until noon in Miami.
00:31:25.000 Jeez, to break it down.
00:31:28.000 Go on and on.
00:31:29.000 To break it down. 1.00
00:31:30.000 Yeah, you can fucking party. 0.99
00:31:32.000 You get all kinds of crayons there in Miami. 0.99
00:31:34.000 Oh.
00:31:35.000 Well, when I was in Fort Lauderdale, I asked them, what time is the last call?
00:31:40.000 And they said, it's 5 a.m.
00:31:42.000 5 a.m.
00:31:42.000 5 a.m.
00:31:43.000 And I'm like, that's because of cocaine.
00:31:45.000 Yeah.
00:31:45.000 100%, right?
00:31:47.000 Cocaine changed that law. 1.00
00:31:49.000 That shit doesn't make sense. 1.00
00:31:50.000 Everywhere else is like two. 1.00
00:31:52.000 New York, it's like four.
00:31:54.000 And they're like, no, five.
00:31:56.000 How about an extra hour to move product?
00:32:00.000 Isn't that the city that cocaine built, though? 0.95
00:32:02.000 Miami, right?
00:32:03.000 People are buying coke.
00:32:05.000 That's the hours they're going to be buying coke.
00:32:07.000 Those two to five hours.
00:32:10.000 Let's keep the party rolling, man.
00:32:12.000 Let's keep the party rolling.
00:32:14.000 It's not a 3 p.m.
00:32:15.000 purchase.
00:32:16.000 No!
00:32:17.000 Get back to the gym.
00:32:18.000 I should do a bump.
00:32:21.000 And that you think about it all rationally.
00:32:23.000 I should do a bump.
00:32:24.000 I should do some coke right now.
00:32:27.000 God.
00:32:28.000 So many people that did a lot of coke...
00:32:30.000 Early on in their life, they have big problems when they get older.
00:32:35.000 Their neurological system, like Richard Pryor had a big problem, and I don't know if she really did a lot of it.
00:32:43.000 I should probably not say.
00:32:44.000 I don't know.
00:32:45.000 That's a rumor.
00:32:46.000 I know a bunch of different people besides that that have had real serious issues with their body.
00:32:53.000 I always had a fear of that.
00:32:54.000 I just had a fear of...
00:32:57.000 You know, sometimes the scare tactic works.
00:32:59.000 Like when I saw the...
00:33:00.000 They would be like, you know, you can do cocaine one time you get a heart attack.
00:33:03.000 That somehow got into my brain when I was young enough where I was totally scared to try it.
00:33:07.000 It's just too expensive, man. 0.98
00:33:09.000 Every time I did it, I used to be like, fuck, that was like a Nintendo game. 0.99
00:33:13.000 That was a lot of money. 0.99
00:33:16.000 That was half my paycheck.
00:33:18.000 Do you do it?
00:33:20.000 Never done it, no.
00:33:21.000 I'm scared of it.
00:33:21.000 Scared.
00:33:22.000 Yeah.
00:33:23.000 You know, I grew up, and a lot of kids did crystal.
00:33:25.000 That was, like, the crystal meth.
00:33:26.000 Oh, yeah, we talked about this.
00:33:28.000 Yeah.
00:33:28.000 And I don't know.
00:33:30.000 It's so grody.
00:33:31.000 But, you know, you can always tell when someone was a tweaker.
00:33:34.000 Like, I've had some ex-tweaker bosses who, like, they can't handle more than one thing at a time.
00:33:39.000 Like, as they get out of it.
00:33:42.000 What?
00:33:43.000 Nothing.
00:33:43.000 Listen, I'm fascinated by the insight, the mind of a tweaker.
00:33:48.000 So while you're saying this, I'm really getting excited.
00:33:50.000 Yeah, so, okay, I used to work retail, like on Melrose, at some shitty clothing store.
00:33:53.000 It was called No Problem. 0.75
00:33:56.000 That's when you're speaking about Puerto Rican, right?
00:33:59.000 This was after the Puerto Rican guy, yeah.
00:34:01.000 And I remember I had this boss who, like, if somebody came in the door and she had to ring somebody up at the register at the same time, it was like a total meltdown.
00:34:08.000 Like, her brain couldn't process two things at once.
00:34:11.000 And I know she was a tweaker in the past.
00:34:13.000 Wow.
00:34:14.000 You can just see them.
00:34:15.000 She's overwhelmed.
00:34:16.000 My step-sister's kind of like that, too.
00:34:17.000 She used to do meth, so she's all like...
00:34:19.000 You can also sometimes tell by that face, that gaunt look.
00:34:24.000 Some of the teeth have offset.
00:34:28.000 Some of them replaced.
00:34:30.000 It's like a look.
00:34:31.000 They're twitchy.
00:34:32.000 They picked it too many times.
00:34:34.000 There used to be this tweaker that used to hang around the pool hall that I used to go to.
00:34:40.000 And I don't want to say her name, because she might still be alive.
00:34:44.000 And if she's still alive, she probably listens to this podcast.
00:34:46.000 So let's just call her X. Okay? 0.93
00:34:50.000 That's her name, X. And she was a... 1.00
00:34:52.000 It's not my X. No.
00:34:53.000 Call her X. She wasn't anybody's X. She was...
00:34:56.000 I mean, I never saw a single guy that was... 0.59
00:35:01.000 I mean, she wasn't particularly ugly, but she was so cracked out. 1.00
00:35:07.000 Yeah.
00:35:07.000 All the time.
00:35:09.000 That it was just really odd to be around her.
00:35:12.000 It's like you were around someone who was going through a dream.
00:35:15.000 And she would play pool by herself and stare guys in the eyes. 0.92
00:35:20.000 And she was crazy.
00:35:21.000 And she became almost sort of family there. 0.99
00:35:24.000 She was there so often that she would sort of kind of hit on guys, but she was so crazy. 0.67
00:35:30.000 Nobody wanted to have anything to do with her. 0.98
00:35:32.000 I mean, she was completely insane. 1.00
00:35:34.000 But she became almost like our crackhead mascot. 0.99
00:35:37.000 That was there all the time. 0.91
00:35:40.000 Throw chips at her. 0.92
00:35:41.000 Yeah, she would come in and play pool. 0.66
00:35:42.000 And I even think she got a job cleaning up at one point in time.
00:35:45.000 They gave her like some hours.
00:35:46.000 You guys used to take turns on her when you got really drunk in the alley. 0.98
00:35:51.000 As crazy as pool hall people are, desperate, especially 24-hour gambling pool hall places, which this place was, nobody fucked her. 1.00
00:36:00.000 Nobody, dude. 0.99
00:36:01.000 She was pretty bad.
00:36:01.000 It was bad.
00:36:02.000 But she was a sweet heart of a person.
00:36:05.000 I didn't ever communicate with her enough to go, hey, what are you doing?
00:36:09.000 What's going on?
00:36:10.000 What are you doing?
00:36:11.000 Crank?
00:36:11.000 What is it?
00:36:13.000 I never got to that conversation.
00:36:16.000 But, man, she would have these weird moments where she would think maybe I could go to dinner.
00:36:22.000 Maybe I didn't think anyone would have it.
00:36:25.000 We can just go to dinner.
00:36:26.000 And I'm like, I can't.
00:36:28.000 I can't go to dinner.
00:36:29.000 I have a girlfriend.
00:36:30.000 I can't go to dinner with anybody else but her.
00:36:32.000 Okay, no problem.
00:36:35.000 And she would go over and play pool and stare at you.
00:36:38.000 She was really like a character in a movie.
00:36:40.000 I remember me and my friend Johnny B were sitting there, we were watching her once, and she was giving us crazy googly eyes while she was knocking balls around the table.
00:36:47.000 She would play pool for like 20 minutes at a time and then bring the balls back. 0.99
00:36:51.000 So while she's doing this, she's playing, doing googly eyes, and Johnny looks at me, and my friend Johnny was like, this is a really streetwise kid.
00:36:57.000 He goes, yo, dog.
00:36:59.000 He goes, you put her in a movie?
00:37:01.000 And people would say it's too over the top.
00:37:04.000 They go, you gotta cut that character back.
00:37:06.000 Nobody's gonna believe this character. 0.99
00:37:08.000 Some fucking crazy bitch comes in all methed out and starts shooting balls around, giving people googly eyes, and she would put like a leg up in the air while she would make a shot and try to be like a ballerina or something. 1.00
00:37:18.000 She was completely cranked out. 1.00
00:37:21.000 It was really fascinating.
00:37:22.000 Because she wasn't that old.
00:37:25.000 I believe she was probably 30-ish, somewhere in her 30s.
00:37:30.000 Yeah, but it ages you.
00:37:32.000 Drugs, though, yeah.
00:37:32.000 It ages you and dog eaters.
00:37:34.000 It seemed like there might have been some crazy mixed in with the drugs, too.
00:37:38.000 It seems like there was a little bit of self-medicating going on.
00:37:41.000 I like that there's always, with that type of person, with a crazy and or drug person, there's a real line between you being around them and being amused and then backing off because you're kind of scared of them.
00:37:52.000 Even if they're not a scary...
00:37:54.000 They're not physically imposing.
00:37:57.000 It's so big and so crazy what they do that you have fear on some level of how weird and crazy they get.
00:38:04.000 If it's a little bit less, you're like, oh, this is funny. 0.98
00:38:07.000 He's just kind of fucked up right now. 0.92
00:38:08.000 But then it goes over that line, you're like, this is terrifying. 0.99
00:38:11.000 When they're like, this is too much.
00:38:14.000 Yeah, well, you wonder what their perception of reality is like, whether or not they can really control themselves.
00:38:19.000 Because that's somebody that could randomly kill somebody, usually. 0.99
00:38:22.000 You know, if you get fucked up and you don't know what's going on. 0.99
00:38:25.000 Yeah, if someone's fucking completely messed out, how much do they even know about what they're actually doing? 0.99
00:38:30.000 A lot of it, like, if you just watch Cops, you see that episode all the time where they're, like, in some la-la land. 0.98
00:38:36.000 They would believe and do anything.
00:38:37.000 They think Abraham Lincoln's chasing them, you know?
00:38:40.000 Yeah.
00:38:41.000 Because you stay up for days.
00:38:42.000 Like, you don't sleep on meth.
00:38:44.000 Yeah.
00:38:44.000 And you hallucinate.
00:38:45.000 And meth, isn't meth just kind of like a speed, right?
00:38:47.000 No, it's made of, like, battery acid and, like, sudeperin.
00:38:52.000 Pre-cum.
00:38:53.000 It's pre-cum.
00:38:56.000 It gives you a speed effect, but it doesn't give you a visual effect, right?
00:39:00.000 Well, it totally impairs your judgment on top of spiking you through the roof.
00:39:06.000 You have in your brain what stops you from doing certain things.
00:39:11.000 Your ability to make a judgment on, like, I shouldn't drive 150 down this road because of the dangers that apply.
00:39:19.000 All that goes out.
00:39:20.000 That's why they, you know, you've seen like I Survived, the woman was like kidnapped and these people that were messed out just stabbing her and, you know, cutting her slice.
00:39:30.000 Then they came back and they hit her with a car, they set her on fire.
00:39:33.000 Oh my god, she survived?
00:39:34.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:39:35.000 And when they arrested them, you know, they were all tweaked out and later on they were all like, I didn't know that we did all that shit. 0.99
00:39:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:39:42.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99
00:39:44.000 But that's why you should do cocaine instead.
00:39:47.000 It's a little better of a drug.
00:39:48.000 It's a grown-up drug.
00:39:49.000 If you can afford it, do coke.
00:39:51.000 It seems like some people just want to escape reality. 0.99
00:39:54.000 To be a person in this day and age that still wants to try meth for the first time, you must fucking hate your reality. 0.99
00:40:02.000 Your reality must suck so bad that the idea of being horribly addicted to one of the worst drugs ever created doesn't even faze you. 1.00
00:40:09.000 Or heroin. 0.99
00:40:09.000 You're like, I'm going to try it. 0.99
00:40:10.000 But at least heroin has been connected to some great musicians.
00:40:15.000 That's a good point.
00:40:18.000 I had a discussion with some friends about Hendrix, because I always say that Hendrix did heroin.
00:40:23.000 And they were always, no, it was acid.
00:40:25.000 But it turns out he actually got arrested for heroin.
00:40:26.000 He got arrested in Toronto for heroin.
00:40:28.000 Yeah.
00:40:29.000 So he definitely had some use of heroin.
00:40:31.000 There's definitely a correlation between heroin and good music. 0.97
00:40:33.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't want to say that that was his number one thing, but, I mean, Hendrix obviously was really into acid as well, and obviously a fucking musical genius. 0.94
00:40:40.000 There was just some shit that some dude can tune into that the average person can't, and he could just nail it. 0.99
00:40:49.000 I think he would have been fucking amazing if he did nothing, if he just drank water and fucking grapefruits. 1.00
00:40:55.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:40:56.000 You know, but heroin has influenced many, many musicians.
00:41:01.000 Velvet Underground?
00:41:02.000 Yeah.
00:41:02.000 Lou Reed, right?
00:41:03.000 Yeah.
00:41:03.000 He had a song about heroin, right?
00:41:05.000 Yeah.
00:41:05.000 That one's scary to listen to, though.
00:41:08.000 I think it was a big part of a lot of musicians' experiences because it's such a sensual type of experience.
00:41:16.000 Like, the idea behind it is that it's so sensitive and raw, the experience of this blissful energy that the opiates provide.
00:41:24.000 Yeah.
00:41:24.000 That you can embrace the pure sound of music and see it.
00:41:30.000 I can see the appeal more of getting in.
00:41:33.000 The appeal being that it's a great painkiller.
00:41:36.000 It takes you to this la la land.
00:41:39.000 You can romanticize that drug, but to start crystal meth, you're like, I want to eat rocks, man.
00:41:45.000 I want to chew on rocks.
00:41:47.000 That's kind of What you're saying you want to do, you know?
00:41:50.000 I guess I don't get drugs where you have crazy energy, but it's unfocused energy.
00:41:55.000 Because I think with meth, I don't know, can you do stuff?
00:41:59.000 Yeah, people do stuff.
00:42:00.000 Can you win the Nobel Prize on meth?
00:42:02.000 I don't know.
00:42:03.000 Can you make good music on that?
00:42:05.000 We'll do tasks.
00:42:07.000 I think what he said about judgment, I think your judgment is really involved in every single aspect of what you do.
00:42:13.000 And when you're doing a drug that fucks your judgment, what happened?
00:42:16.000 What did he say?
00:42:17.000 No, no.
00:42:18.000 I was just thinking, like, what...
00:42:19.000 I mean, Hendrix could focus on heroin.
00:42:21.000 Well, I don't think he was using heroin that much.
00:42:25.000 I think it was more acid.
00:42:26.000 Well, they said that one of the things he used to do is put acid in his headband.
00:42:30.000 So that when he had it on, his pores would open up while he was on stage.
00:42:33.000 It would drip into his skin.
00:42:36.000 Wow.
00:42:37.000 Yeah, I don't know if that's an urban legend, though.
00:42:39.000 Something like a hippie thing to say.
00:42:40.000 It sounds like, yeah.
00:42:41.000 But you can't function on acid.
00:42:42.000 Sounds like someone really annoying would tell you.
00:42:45.000 Yeah, but I don't know if that's true.
00:42:46.000 I could never function on acid.
00:42:47.000 Well, someone threw a no-hitter on acid.
00:42:49.000 That's right.
00:42:50.000 Who was that?
00:42:51.000 Oh, yeah!
00:42:52.000 I remember that!
00:42:55.000 And he was like, I partied all day, and then my friend was like, you gotta play a game, man!
00:42:59.000 And he had stayed up all night, right?
00:43:01.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:43:03.000 Doc Ellis. 1.00
00:43:04.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:43:04.000 That's funny. 1.00
00:43:06.000 Doc Ellis.
00:43:07.000 Yeah, he threw a no-hitter while on acid.
00:43:09.000 And now he's the parking lot guy at that comedy store.
00:43:14.000 That story, they did a really good job of animating that online.
00:43:18.000 The Doc Ellis thing?
00:43:19.000 Yeah.
00:43:20.000 Oh, I did.
00:43:20.000 I saw that.
00:43:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:43:21.000 What was that for?
00:43:23.000 I think he told that story.
00:43:24.000 I forget.
00:43:24.000 I don't know who he told it to.
00:43:26.000 But they did an animation to the story that's awesome.
00:43:30.000 Wow.
00:43:30.000 Really good.
00:43:31.000 I could see how it could go right.
00:43:32.000 I've never done acid.
00:43:34.000 I should say that right off the bat.
00:43:35.000 The only psychedelics I've ever done are DMT, mushrooms, ecstasy, which isn't really a psychedelic.
00:43:42.000 I've done the Amanita muscaria mushroom and the other kind, psilocybin.
00:43:46.000 But no acid.
00:43:48.000 And no one I've ever trusted had it.
00:43:51.000 You know?
00:43:51.000 It's always been like someone's...
00:43:53.000 You know, if it came up, it was someone who just had this weird glint in their eye.
00:43:57.000 And I was like...
00:43:57.000 No.
00:43:59.000 No.
00:44:00.000 It's too complicated.
00:44:01.000 And it's too illegal.
00:44:03.000 It's really difficult to make.
00:44:04.000 So if you're making it, like you're out there on the fringes, son.
00:44:07.000 Some people just got busted recently.
00:44:09.000 Some school somewhere.
00:44:10.000 Some kids were producing acid and they busted them.
00:44:16.000 I wouldn't do acid again.
00:44:17.000 I've done it probably over a hundred times.
00:44:19.000 Jesus!
00:44:19.000 A hundred times?
00:44:20.000 There you go.
00:44:21.000 It was probably way over a hundred.
00:44:22.000 That's why you're seven.
00:44:24.000 It probably didn't help.
00:44:26.000 It's something I don't want to do.
00:44:27.000 I can't believe I do mushrooms now.
00:44:29.000 I never really considered mushrooms bad. 1.00
00:44:33.000 Mushrooms teach me shit, man. 0.99
00:44:35.000 Every time I've done mushrooms, I just have a new revelation, a new insight in things. 1.00
00:44:40.000 The problem with ass is that it's too much of a commitment. 0.93
00:44:43.000 Like where mushrooms is usually like four or five hours. 0.99
00:44:46.000 What's that?
00:44:46.000 You won't do mushrooms anymore?
00:44:47.000 No, I will.
00:44:49.000 Lately I'm just more scared of the mushrooms that have been going around.
00:44:52.000 I think that they're not the right kind.
00:44:54.000 Have you done that over a hundred times too?
00:44:56.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:44:57.000 You're scared of the mushrooms that are going around?
00:44:59.000 Yeah.
00:44:59.000 Based on what?
00:45:00.000 It's just I don't trust mushrooms as much as I trust mushrooms.
00:45:06.000 Well, it's kind of along the same lines.
00:45:08.000 Where are you getting this from?
00:45:09.000 You're getting this from someone willing to stick their neck out and sell something illegally, which is often the case.
00:45:14.000 But apparently there's some sort of a loophole, and truffles are not illegal.
00:45:18.000 You can get psilocybin truffles. 1.00
00:45:21.000 Go Google that shit, folks. 1.00
00:45:22.000 Don't listen to me. 1.00
00:45:23.000 I don't want to be a purveyor of any...
00:45:25.000 I've never heard of truffles.
00:45:26.000 Schedule 1 information.
00:45:30.000 I don't know.
00:45:30.000 I think that Doc Ellis was taking other drugs in conjunction with just acid.
00:45:35.000 Holla! 1.00
00:45:36.000 Yeah, because I've taken a lot of acid, and I don't know.
00:45:40.000 I didn't even know where I was.
00:45:42.000 There are times you're like, where am I? In a convenience store?
00:45:45.000 Where am I? In a convenience store?
00:45:46.000 Where am I? I can't even know.
00:45:48.000 But people react differently on it, right?
00:45:51.000 Some people...
00:45:51.000 I don't know.
00:45:52.000 I wish I could know.
00:45:53.000 It's just like mushrooms for the most part.
00:45:54.000 It's either it could be all visuals or it could be speedy.
00:45:58.000 Sometimes you're just in a...
00:46:00.000 Well, for pool players, there's always been two things.
00:46:04.000 Amphetamines and, if you can handle it, heroin.
00:46:08.000 And the guys who would do heroin had no nerves.
00:46:12.000 They had no nerves.
00:46:13.000 They wouldn't feel any nervousness.
00:46:15.000 So they'd gamble for ridiculous amounts of money and just never miss.
00:46:19.000 There was a dude, his name was Water Dog.
00:46:22.000 That was his nickname.
00:46:23.000 Or Buffalo Bill, depending on who you name.
00:46:26.000 And he would always come and they would make a game.
00:46:29.000 They'd figure out how much they were going to bet.
00:46:31.000 And it was always a lot of money because he was like a top level local player.
00:46:35.000 And then he would go to the bathroom and he would shoot up.
00:46:38.000 And he would come back and he would sit on a stool.
00:46:42.000 And he would sit on this bar stool like this.
00:46:44.000 Just like this.
00:46:47.000 I mean, I'm not bullshitting his hands like a T-Rex and just sit there for like a half an hour just blasted on heroin. 0.99
00:46:56.000 And then he would get off and then he would screw his cue together and he wouldn't miss a fucking ball. 1.00
00:47:01.000 He was a monster. 1.00
00:47:02.000 They played on this table. 0.97
00:47:04.000 There was a gambling table that they had.
00:47:06.000 And a regular pool table's pockets are 5 inches.
00:47:09.000 They're like these big sloppy open pockets where you don't have to hit a ball absolutely perfectly.
00:47:13.000 They had these under 4 inches.
00:47:16.000 It was under 4. It was like 3 and 3 quarter inches.
00:47:20.000 It was fucking ridiculous. 0.99
00:47:21.000 The ball barely fit through the hole. 1.00
00:47:23.000 And this motherfucker was just firing things in. 1.00
00:47:26.000 He wouldn't miss. 1.00
00:47:27.000 He couldn't miss.
00:47:28.000 It was incredible.
00:47:29.000 He wasn't nervous at all.
00:47:30.000 They were betting thousands of dollars.
00:47:32.000 It was maybe $10,000 each.
00:47:35.000 It was a very high bet.
00:47:37.000 Because the guy he was doing it with was a horse jockey.
00:47:43.000 They had different kinds of carts.
00:47:47.000 Horses would pull carts. 0.99
00:47:49.000 What the fuck are those things? 1.00
00:47:50.000 Wagons? 1.00
00:47:51.000 Yeah.
00:47:51.000 I don't know.
00:47:52.000 It's like a type of racing.
00:47:54.000 The horse is actually pulling a cart behind it.
00:47:59.000 It's not just the horse running and the guy on top of it. 0.98
00:48:01.000 And he was just a crazy gambler. 1.00
00:48:03.000 And he would play this fucking guy. 1.00
00:48:06.000 And he would get so bummed out because he knew he couldn't... 1.00
00:48:08.000 The guy couldn't miss because he's unharrible. 1.00
00:48:10.000 He's on the shit! 1.00
00:48:11.000 That's what he said. 1.00
00:48:11.000 Look at him, the motherfucker. 1.00
00:48:12.000 He can't miss. 1.00
00:48:13.000 He's on the shit! 1.00
00:48:14.000 The guy would be complaining. 1.00
00:48:15.000 But he wouldn't even care that he was complaining.
00:48:17.000 So he just had a slack jaw look and just... 0.98
00:48:19.000 The balls would just... 0.99
00:48:20.000 Fire into the hole. 0.98
00:48:22.000 Would they get into the heroin because they knew it would help the nerves?
00:48:26.000 Is that why they would even get into it? 0.97
00:48:27.000 They're degenerates. 0.84
00:48:28.000 Who knows? 0.51
00:48:29.000 Most of those guys, they were looking to party at all times.
00:48:32.000 Pool players are some of the wildest human beings. 1.00
00:48:34.000 People that have actually made a commitment to trying to make their entire living off of tricking people to gamble with them that don't play as good as them and then betting all your money on that. 0.99
00:48:48.000 Those people are nuts. 0.99
00:48:49.000 Bullying poker. 1.00
00:48:50.000 They're nuts. 1.00
00:48:52.000 There's a good percentage of them that are nuts. 1.00
00:48:54.000 A lot of them aren't.
00:48:55.000 A lot of them are really cool and smart people that are just in love with pool and that's all they want to do.
00:48:59.000 The tournament guys.
00:49:00.000 The guys that travel from tournament to tournament.
00:49:03.000 Even the best ones of them are the gamblers.
00:49:05.000 The best tournament guys.
00:49:06.000 The guys like this kid named Shane Van Boning who's deaf.
00:49:10.000 And when he plays he shuts his hearing aid off.
00:49:12.000 Wow! 1.00
00:49:14.000 And he goes into his own little world and he doesn't give a fuck. 1.00
00:49:17.000 He doesn't hear shit. 1.00
00:49:17.000 He just plays. 1.00
00:49:20.000 That's so cool.
00:49:20.000 Yeah, it does everything on feel.
00:49:22.000 No hearing, you know?
00:49:23.000 It's kind of fascinating.
00:49:24.000 To the point where people have actually accused him of having an advantage.
00:49:27.000 Sure.
00:49:28.000 And one guy was playing him, this guy Earl Strickland, actually stuffed his ears with cotton and then put big, like those...
00:49:34.000 Really?
00:49:34.000 Yeah, aviator headsets on.
00:49:37.000 What a dick. 1.00
00:49:38.000 Like someone who would... 1.00
00:49:39.000 That is a dick, man. 1.00
00:49:40.000 Work at the fucking towers. 1.00
00:49:42.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:49:42.000 The flight guys. 1.00
00:49:43.000 That's what he would wear.
00:49:45.000 Yeah, and he would play pool with that on.
00:49:47.000 It's hilarious. 0.99
00:49:48.000 Yeah, there's some fucking characters. 0.99
00:49:50.000 You can't hear? 1.00
00:49:50.000 Yeah, I can't hear either, asshole. 1.00
00:49:52.000 He's got these goddamn huge headphones on, man. 1.00
00:49:54.000 What a ridiculous asshole. 1.00
00:49:56.000 With stuffing in his ears. 1.00
00:49:57.000 He's crazy. 0.99
00:49:58.000 But he's brilliant. 0.99
00:49:59.000 Brilliant and crazy at the same time.
00:50:01.000 These pool players, that's a nutty life.
00:50:04.000 So, you know, when you ask what came first, the heroin or the pool, it was all together.
00:50:10.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:50:11.000 They're all hanging out at these 24-hour pool places.
00:50:14.000 They were the most fun I had ever had as a kid growing up.
00:50:18.000 What city was this in that you were in?
00:50:19.000 White Plains, New York.
00:50:21.000 Executive Billiards.
00:50:22.000 24 hours a day.
00:50:23.000 Well, we had the keys.
00:50:24.000 My friend owned it.
00:50:25.000 My friend Guy was the owner of the place.
00:50:27.000 So we were always there.
00:50:29.000 So Guy would keep it open and we would lock the door and we would all play by ourselves.
00:50:33.000 We had people in there gambling and playing by themselves late at night.
00:50:36.000 It was just such a clubhouse.
00:50:38.000 And I had...
00:50:39.000 I don't want to say a cunty girlfriend, but she was a little on the negative side. 0.94
00:50:45.000 We had problems because of that.
00:50:48.000 She didn't mean to be.
00:50:49.000 She's not a bad person at all.
00:50:50.000 It's just sort of the way she grew up.
00:50:52.000 She had a hard life. 1.00
00:50:54.000 When we were interacting, if she would bum me out, I just couldn't wait to get the fuck away from her and get back to that pool hall where I knew some crazy shit was going on. 0.99
00:51:06.000 I knew there was two dudes who were gambling on roaches to see which roach could get to the corner first. 0.99
00:51:12.000 And it was like yelling, man, yo, you can't coach the roach, bro.
00:51:15.000 You can't coach the roach.
00:51:16.000 It was like everything was always fun.
00:51:19.000 It was a bunch of men.
00:51:21.000 And there was very little violence.
00:51:22.000 And all the years that I was there, I saw a couple of little minor altercations.
00:51:27.000 Nothing serious at all.
00:51:28.000 But it was always fun.
00:51:30.000 You'd always go there.
00:51:31.000 And it was a bunch of men who really didn't want to grow up.
00:51:33.000 And my friend Max Eberle, who's a professional, he said that there was, at one point in time in this country, there was a bachelor class of men that never wanted to get married.
00:51:43.000 They just didn't want to do it, and a lot of those guys would go to pool halls.
00:51:46.000 And that's one of the reasons why pool halls got such a bad reputation, is that everybody else, in his mind, and Max is a really nice guy, He's a very easy-going guy, but in his mind, he's like, why is there this desire to get people to enforce or to live some other form of life that he doesn't want to live?
00:52:04.000 If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to have to have children, why can't you just let him hang out at the pool hall?
00:52:08.000 But they would always be considered degenerates because of that desire.
00:52:13.000 It would always be assumed that if you wanted to be someplace where you're playing pool at 4 o'clock in the morning, terrible things were afoot.
00:52:19.000 Right.
00:52:20.000 Usually they were right.
00:52:22.000 They could be out doing actually bad things, so they're just playing pool.
00:52:24.000 Well, the reason is because the people that are willing to be up at 4 o'clock in the morning hanging out all night at this pool hall are the same people who are not going to listen to whatever anybody tells them to, and they're going to want to try to do whatever they want to do.
00:52:35.000 And if whatever they want to do is just gamble all day, I mean...
00:52:40.000 Why stop them?
00:52:41.000 As long as they're not robbing anybody.
00:52:43.000 Yeah, as long as they're not doing anything illegal.
00:52:45.000 There was a shockingly small amount of criminals in all the time that I hung out at these pool halls.
00:52:51.000 You'd think there's way more criminals, way more crime.
00:52:53.000 Very little.
00:52:54.000 Yeah, because of the late night and the boozing and the drugs.
00:52:57.000 No, it wasn't even that.
00:52:59.000 There wasn't really that many bad guys there.
00:53:01.000 These guys wanted to do what they wanted to do.
00:53:03.000 Exactly.
00:53:05.000 I remember there was this one dude.
00:53:06.000 It was really fascinating.
00:53:07.000 He learned how to play chess in his head in prison.
00:53:12.000 He could sit down with a chess board and he could either tell you the moves and he would watch your move.
00:53:18.000 He would never move a piece.
00:53:20.000 He would just tell you what the moves are.
00:53:21.000 Or he could do it all in his head.
00:53:24.000 Like you have a chessboard in your head, I have a chessboard in my head.
00:53:26.000 And I say pawn to the step.
00:53:28.000 And then you have to keep account of where all your pieces are.
00:53:32.000 Jesus.
00:53:36.000 agree.
00:53:37.000 Pawn is at this spot, right?
00:53:39.000 You know, you have to, like, you can't, without actually, without, no chessboard.
00:53:43.000 Wow.
00:53:44.000 Yes.
00:53:45.000 These guys are brilliant. 0.96
00:53:46.000 See, this isn't a dumb guy. 0.97
00:53:47.000 No. 0.96
00:53:47.000 This is a guy that just didn't want to do certain things in life. 0.96
00:53:51.000 Oh, sure.
00:53:52.000 He was gambling once, and it was late at night.
00:53:54.000 It was like after midnight.
00:53:55.000 And he goes, he looked at his watch, and they were going to play another set.
00:54:01.000 And he goes, do you want to play another set?
00:54:01.000 He goes...
00:54:03.000 I've been thinking about getting a fucking divorce lately, so yes. 0.99
00:54:07.000 Yes, I do. 0.99
00:54:09.000 And he wound up getting a divorce.
00:54:10.000 He decided right there that he doesn't want anybody to tell him to come home after midnight. 0.99
00:54:15.000 And he's like, shut the fuck up. 0.99
00:54:17.000 I want to play pool. 1.00
00:54:18.000 I'm playing pool.
00:54:19.000 He was a brilliant dude.
00:54:21.000 There was a kid who was a local kid who was an actual chess champion.
00:54:25.000 Really young kid.
00:54:26.000 And he was just learning how to play pool.
00:54:28.000 But at chess, he was like a super wizard.
00:54:30.000 And him and this guy would sit in a corner and they would exchange back and forth.
00:54:34.000 They would go over their moves together.
00:54:36.000 It was amazing.
00:54:37.000 Amazing to watch.
00:54:39.000 I've never heard that before.
00:54:40.000 They have a little picnic blanket, and they're both sitting there with a little picnic basket, just laying on their side, looking at each other, doing mind chess with each other.
00:54:47.000 The wind slowly blows their air.
00:54:51.000 I'm sure there's couples that do that, and they think it's sexy. 1.00
00:54:54.000 Yeah, sure.
00:54:55.000 But you said he learned that in prison?
00:54:56.000 Yep.
00:54:57.000 Wow.
00:54:58.000 Yeah, I knew a lot of prisoners.
00:54:59.000 Or a lot of felons, rather.
00:55:01.000 That I knew.
00:55:03.000 There was very little crime that I saw, but I knew a lot of people who had done a lot of crime in the past.
00:55:08.000 Wow.
00:55:09.000 One dude, his name was International Sal.
00:55:11.000 And International Sal, rest his soul, died a few years ago.
00:55:17.000 And when he was younger, what he used to do is he was one of the first guys.
00:55:21.000 I know.
00:55:21.000 He was a gem of a human.
00:55:23.000 He was a gem of a human.
00:55:24.000 And for the first days of American Express cards, he figured out how to copy the American Express card from the papers that would be left behind when you would make a carbon slip.
00:55:38.000 So they would make a complete copy of your card and then use it and buy things and run up.
00:55:45.000 Fantastic.
00:55:45.000 I love to sit like that.
00:55:47.000 And he was a notorious gambling loser. 0.98
00:55:50.000 Hmm. 0.99
00:55:51.000 He just could not win.
00:55:52.000 He could not win.
00:55:53.000 And he would wait at the pool hall and they would come by and they would bring him thousands of dollars.
00:55:58.000 And he would go and blow it all playing pool.
00:56:01.000 Like the guy who I was talking about earlier about the heroin guy, this guy is George the Greek. 1.00
00:56:05.000 And George the Greek would always talk, the fucking guy can't win. 1.00
00:56:08.000 The guy can't fucking win, I'm telling you. 1.00
00:56:10.000 I don't give a fuck if it's an inch from the hole. 1.00
00:56:12.000 You bet on the other cocksucker. 1.00
00:56:14.000 You bet on... 0.99
00:56:15.000 And he would always, you know, just sit there and analyze this international style character. 1.00
00:56:22.000 And he goes, well, let me tell you something, this motherfucker, he lost a million a month. 1.00
00:56:26.000 Lost a million a month. 1.00
00:56:28.000 Whether that's true, who the fuck knows? 1.00
00:56:30.000 Who the fuck knows how much he really lost? 0.99
00:56:32.000 But apparently he lost an incredible amount of money playing pool. 0.99
00:56:36.000 And the people were like, you know, just robbed him.
00:56:39.000 They would just rob him constantly.
00:56:40.000 So then he went to jail.
00:56:41.000 Then he came back out and went legit.
00:56:42.000 And when I met him, he was legit.
00:56:44.000 So when I met him, it was all just the stories of international style.
00:56:47.000 But it was fascinating.
00:56:48.000 He would sit down and tell you What it was like.
00:56:51.000 International sound.
00:56:52.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:56:52.000 He has such a fucking degenerate name. 1.00
00:56:55.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:56:56.000 I mean, it's for like a gambler or like a mobster or something.
00:56:59.000 Yeah.
00:56:59.000 I'm Cole Sto'Brien.
00:57:01.000 I got to speak to him like a couple of years before he died.
00:57:04.000 I called up the pool hall once to say hi to everybody.
00:57:07.000 And he was still alive.
00:57:08.000 And I said hi to him.
00:57:09.000 I used to like the guy.
00:57:10.000 I used to like hanging out and talking to him.
00:57:11.000 Yeah.
00:57:12.000 Tell me old criminal stories.
00:57:13.000 Because when I met him, he was already probably like in his 60s.
00:57:16.000 He was probably already...
00:57:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:57:19.000 I met a lot of crazy motherfuckers in that place. 1.00
00:57:22.000 Whenever you're in sort of an alternate environment like that. 1.00
00:57:25.000 Like comedy clubs?
00:57:27.000 Yeah, comedy clubs, exactly.
00:57:28.000 Perfect example.
00:57:29.000 Derelict.
00:57:29.000 Parallel between people like that and comedy.
00:57:31.000 Oh, for sure.
00:57:32.000 And boxing gyms, too.
00:57:35.000 Anything where you're doing something that's completely outside of the norm.
00:57:39.000 Some of the funniest people I've ever met in my life have been fighters.
00:57:43.000 I bet. 0.99
00:57:44.000 Because they're so ridiculous. 1.00
00:57:46.000 First of all, a lot of them are fucked. 1.00
00:57:48.000 Tate used to say some funny shit, man. 1.00
00:57:50.000 He was always saying some pretty funny shit. 1.00
00:57:52.000 Because he's a goddamn savage. 1.00
00:57:54.000 He's a former mixed martial arts fighter, big fucking giant caveman, Viking dude. 1.00
00:57:59.000 Stinky farts. 1.00
00:58:00.000 Stinky farts. 0.99
00:58:01.000 Were they really? 0.89
00:58:01.000 Was he the one that ate meat all the time? 0.89
00:58:03.000 Yeah, protein bars and shit. 1.00
00:58:05.000 Sure. 0.99
00:58:06.000 No, he's a big dude.
00:58:07.000 You gotta eat a lot.
00:58:08.000 The digestive tract can only handle so much protein.
00:58:11.000 It blows it out in the form of just toxic gas.
00:58:14.000 But fighters have a certain sense of humor.
00:58:18.000 Much like comics do, where it's that dark, they're willing to go where other people aren't willing to go sense of humor.
00:58:24.000 You know, pointing out something that everybody might be thinking but not everybody's saying. 0.99
00:58:28.000 And don't really think before they say it kind of shit. 1.00
00:58:30.000 Exactly. 1.00
00:58:30.000 Very impulsive. 1.00
00:58:32.000 Well, you have to almost be to try to do that in the first place because it's such a crazy thing to decide to do with your body.
00:58:38.000 To put up with the physical torture of it.
00:58:41.000 To put yourself out there to get beaten.
00:58:43.000 There's a little bit of that too, but there's, you know...
00:58:45.000 Just the impulsiveness of just getting involved in it. 0.57
00:58:50.000 For some people it's actually a slow thing and they slowly get into it and get into martial arts and eventually want to be a fighter, but some people just fucking right away want to fight.
00:58:59.000 There's just a wild impulsiveness to them.
00:59:01.000 I've seen cage fights where guys had literally a week's training. 0.97
00:59:05.000 They had never done anything and they were fighting and they had a week's training and they just fucking go wild on each other and shit and swing and craziness and No one really knew how to fight. 0.92
00:59:14.000 It was essentially a street fight with a few rules. 0.92
00:59:17.000 Remember that show we saw was at Taboo where there was a place in Australia where a guy has a circus tent and he has like fighters.
00:59:24.000 I told you about this on the Chronicles.
00:59:25.000 Yeah?
00:59:26.000 Yes, you did.
00:59:27.000 Please keep going.
00:59:29.000 So you go into the circus tent in Australia and the drunks and people off the street come in and he sends you with a fighter.
00:59:37.000 And you can fight a professional fighter.
00:59:40.000 That's so dangerous.
00:59:41.000 But at the same time, kind of awesome and serves a function.
00:59:44.000 If you're just some angry, drunk 18-year-old boy who wants to fight, well, go over there instead of beating up.
00:59:50.000 It's not like a Cain Velasquez steps in. 0.90
00:59:54.000 They're like, this dude might kill you.
00:59:57.000 They're people that have...
00:59:58.000 They're boxing.
00:59:59.000 They're boxers that are...
01:00:02.000 What they are is they're not championship level boxers.
01:00:05.000 But it's only boxing?
01:00:06.000 Yeah.
01:00:07.000 No, no, no.
01:00:08.000 And it's just boxing.
01:00:09.000 You throw on gloves. 0.99
01:00:10.000 And if you throw somebody that knows how to box, just has a few years of boxing, knows how to move and jab and actually box versus a guy who's like, I'm fucking crazy. 0.58
01:00:19.000 And you're just like, here's gloves, go at it.
01:00:21.000 That dude with the boxing skills is just going to put on a clinic.
01:00:26.000 And that's what they do.
01:00:27.000 And everyone's drinking.
01:00:28.000 It's like a fun episode.
01:00:29.000 They don't like...
01:00:29.000 But what if some guy's a ringer?
01:00:31.000 What if there's some Kimbo Slice type character?
01:00:33.000 Yeah.
01:00:33.000 I don't know.
01:00:34.000 Ready to fucking knock that dude's block off. 0.98
01:00:36.000 If anybody can get in, right? 0.99
01:00:38.000 Yeah.
01:00:39.000 Liability's got to be crazy.
01:00:40.000 We used to have those here.
01:00:42.000 This is...
01:00:43.000 2012, man.
01:00:44.000 I'm like, dude, we just saw the show. 0.98
01:00:46.000 It's not like some shit I'm talking about from the 60s. 0.97
01:00:49.000 This is going on right now. 0.99
01:00:50.000 I fucking love Australia, dude.
01:00:52.000 It's awesome. 0.95
01:00:52.000 I love it. 0.95
01:00:53.000 Tommy and I had a great time there.
01:00:54.000 It's great.
01:00:55.000 Country.
01:00:56.000 Nice people.
01:00:57.000 So much fun.
01:00:58.000 We talked about it.
01:00:59.000 Was that the Ice House Chronicles 2?
01:01:01.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:01:02.000 Tommy and I went and we were there with Eddie Bravo and we went to see that stupid Leonardo DiCaprio movie. 0.99
01:01:07.000 Shudder Island. 1.00
01:01:08.000 He was crazy. 0.85
01:01:08.000 Which a lot of people liked. 0.85
01:01:10.000 I liked it. 1.00
01:01:11.000 I liked that fucking movie. 1.00
01:01:11.000 I love that movie. 1.00
01:01:12.000 That movie sucks. 1.00
01:01:13.000 What is it called? 1.00
01:01:14.000 Inception.
01:01:14.000 Shudder Island.
01:01:15.000 No.
01:01:16.000 Oh, Shudder Island.
01:01:16.000 I love Shudder Island too.
01:01:18.000 I thought it was pretty good.
01:01:20.000 You hold on for the twist and you're like, oh, so he is crazy?
01:01:26.000 Like the thing that we kept considering the whole time?
01:01:29.000 Right. 0.95
01:01:29.000 Like, he's crazy. 0.95
01:01:30.000 Maybe he's not crazy. 0.99
01:01:31.000 Maybe he's crazy. 0.98
01:01:32.000 And then they go, yeah, he was crazy. 0.77
01:01:34.000 It didn't make sense to me that you're showing me this, you know, you're showing me from his perspective first and then from an outside perspective.
01:01:42.000 I was wanting so much more from that movie.
01:01:44.000 There's a better version of it, I guess.
01:01:46.000 Meanwhile, I'm like, cabin in the woods, awesome.
01:01:49.000 Yeah.
01:01:52.000 So we didn't like it.
01:01:55.000 Me and Eddie and Tom, we were all in agreement.
01:01:57.000 It felt like we got tricked.
01:01:59.000 It was a trick, right?
01:02:01.000 Absolutely.
01:02:02.000 So we decided to get hammered.
01:02:03.000 So we went to some local bar and just went crazy. 0.99
01:02:06.000 We went fucking crazy. 0.95
01:02:07.000 We had just landed, so our body clocks were like a day off. 0.98
01:02:12.000 And we just started buying drinks for everybody.
01:02:14.000 There was like hundreds of people.
01:02:16.000 I don't know how much.
01:02:17.000 I literally spent thousands of dollars.
01:02:19.000 Yeah.
01:02:19.000 I don't know how many people I bought drinks for.
01:02:21.000 That's awesome.
01:02:22.000 But I wanted, like, I don't know what, I mean, we just had a couple of shots and the idea came across to just fucking, I could buy drinks for everybody. 0.99
01:02:30.000 Let me just, A bunch of fucking people drink. 0.99
01:02:32.000 So I just started pointing to people. 1.00
01:02:33.000 Do you want a drink, man?
01:02:34.000 Dude, give me a high five. 0.99
01:02:35.000 What do you want?
01:02:36.000 You used to be at the comedy store every weekend back in the day almost.
01:02:39.000 Well, I would buy the whole crowd a drink if I kicked somebody out.
01:02:42.000 That was my move.
01:02:43.000 It happened almost every week.
01:02:44.000 Yeah, well, because there was always at least once a month you would get a crazy heckler.
01:02:50.000 Like someone who you just couldn't deal with.
01:02:52.000 You'd be like, come on, man.
01:02:53.000 You can't keep talking while the show's going on. 1.00
01:02:55.000 This shit is... 1.00
01:02:55.000 It's annoying to all the other people around you, and they all start cheering, and they go like, bro, I want you to enjoy the show. 1.00
01:03:00.000 I want you to enjoy the show. 0.99
01:03:01.000 You gotta stop yelling shit out, okay? 1.00
01:03:04.000 And then they'd yell shit out again. 1.00
01:03:05.000 All right, fuck this. 1.00
01:03:06.000 You gotta go. 1.00
01:03:07.000 And then when it got to that point, I'm like, I'm sorry, dude, but you gotta go.
01:03:10.000 And then when the people would leave, I would say, look, and that felt creepy, right?
01:03:13.000 It felt like daddy came home, yelled at mommy.
01:03:16.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:03:17.000 I go, I don't want anything uncomfortable, so my custom is when I kick someone out, I buy everyone else a drink.
01:03:25.000 And so everybody goes, yay!
01:03:26.000 I go, I want to have fun.
01:03:27.000 I don't want to have to deal with that, but it's my job.
01:03:31.000 Unfortunately, when there's someone like that, you have to deal with them because it's interrupting the show for the other people. 0.87
01:03:37.000 It's fucking with the performance.
01:03:38.000 And there's nothing you can do about it other than address it. 0.96
01:03:40.000 You have to address it. 0.99
01:03:41.000 I think some people don't consider that aspect of it the most, too, is that A lot of times people think that that person's just bothering you, and they're not even considering the fact that maybe in that section where that asshole keeps yelling shit out, there are 25 people around him who are like, I wish somebody would get rid of this motherfucker because he's ruining my experience. 0.99
01:03:59.000 There was a couple of those in Florida. 0.99
01:04:02.000 There was several kickouts in Florida.
01:04:04.000 One of them was a cop.
01:04:06.000 What?
01:04:07.000 Turns out the chick was outside and they put her hands on her. 1.00
01:04:10.000 She pulled a badge out on the guy.
01:04:11.000 Wow.
01:04:12.000 Yeah, she said, get your hands off me. 1.00
01:04:13.000 And this bitch, she got kicked out for being hammered and she was a cop. 1.00
01:04:17.000 But there was several people that got kicked out. 1.00
01:04:20.000 One of them was a table that wouldn't shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:04:21.000 So the neighbor table slammed his hand on the table and said, shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:04:26.000 And then the guy got up and he was enormous. 0.99
01:04:29.000 It was a huge mistake. 0.99
01:04:30.000 I mean, the guy didn't do anything, but holy shit, what I'm talking about. 0.99
01:04:33.000 He looked like a football player, like a 300-pound football player. 1.00
01:04:36.000 I was like, holy fuck, that guy's big. 0.99
01:04:38.000 And he's pointing down at them, and I'm like, oh, please, Lord. 1.00
01:04:41.000 Not a fucking bench-clearing brawl. 0.98
01:04:44.000 So I asked him, I said, sir, what's going on, sir? 0.99
01:04:46.000 Can you tell me what's going on, sir? 1.00
01:04:47.000 And I hear a lot of, fuck you! 1.00
01:04:49.000 You fucking touched my table! 1.00
01:04:51.000 And I'm like, sir, what happened? 1.00
01:04:52.000 Were you enjoying the show before all this happened? 1.00
01:04:55.000 And this lady goes, before these fucking assholes had a slap down on our table! 1.00
01:04:59.000 So they take her husband out, and I go, ma'am, we're going to need you to calm down. 1.00
01:05:02.000 Are you going to stay?
01:05:03.000 Are you going to arrest him?
01:05:04.000 Is that what's going to go on?
01:05:05.000 What's going on?
01:05:06.000 Are they just going to kick him out? 0.99
01:05:07.000 They just kicked him out, and then she said, you know, they were fucking slapping on me. 0.99
01:05:11.000 And then the table goes, yeah, we slapped on your table because you wouldn't shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:05:15.000 And everybody went, yeah! 0.99
01:05:17.000 And the whole place started cheering for this guy, and I'm like, wow.
01:05:22.000 And I asked her, I go, have you ever done mushrooms?
01:05:25.000 And then I go, you probably haven't done mushrooms, right?
01:05:27.000 I go, because if you did, you'd feel terrible about this.
01:05:29.000 You'd realize you're just being real negative and selfish.
01:05:32.000 This is just creepy.
01:05:33.000 You want to talk and you're mad.
01:05:36.000 I go, you should feel horrible that you were so talkative that people had to slap their hand on your table because you're interrupting their fun, their evening, their good time with your squawking.
01:05:47.000 And then she gave me the finger. 0.92
01:05:48.000 And I said, well, that's really bad karma right there.
01:05:50.000 I go, what are you doing right here?
01:05:52.000 Karma.
01:05:52.000 I love it.
01:05:53.000 I'm like, you're spreading the wrong kind of energy.
01:05:56.000 That's the wrong signal.
01:05:57.000 It's not nice.
01:05:58.000 Yeah.
01:05:58.000 No.
01:05:59.000 But it was just one of those things where you're going to run into a certain percentage of those people.
01:06:04.000 It's going to happen.
01:06:05.000 Yeah.
01:06:05.000 It's part of the business.
01:06:06.000 It's fun though.
01:06:07.000 It's part of what...
01:06:07.000 Look, everybody got out of it.
01:06:09.000 No one got hurt.
01:06:10.000 People got drunk.
01:06:11.000 People got kicked out. 0.99
01:06:12.000 But at the end of the day, the rest of the audience had a great fucking time. 0.99
01:06:16.000 That was one of the nuttiest shows ever. 0.99
01:06:18.000 The one where the lady and the guy got kicked out.
01:06:20.000 Yeah, I've seen some wild ones, man.
01:06:22.000 I saw a guy in the audience one time punch another guy.
01:06:27.000 Whoa.
01:06:27.000 Yeah, I've seen a brawl.
01:06:29.000 I've seen a brawl or two.
01:06:29.000 During your show?
01:06:30.000 Yeah.
01:06:31.000 Like in the showroom?
01:06:32.000 Yeah.
01:06:33.000 Yeah, I've seen it a couple times.
01:06:35.000 I've seen guys get in fights.
01:06:37.000 It's almost always someone talking.
01:06:38.000 I saw a guy that punched the guy.
01:06:41.000 Punched him because they told him to shut up.
01:06:43.000 Oh, yeah, always. 0.65
01:06:44.000 Yeah, always. 1.00
01:06:45.000 Shut the fuck up, man. 1.00
01:06:46.000 Will you stop talking? 1.00
01:06:47.000 I love that.
01:06:48.000 I love the punk rockness of stand-up. 0.99
01:06:50.000 It's the only form of entertainment where the audience is allowed to, first of all, eat nachos and drink and shit and then yell at you. 0.95
01:06:59.000 What other, in the theater, if we were proper performers, that could never happen. 0.99
01:07:04.000 If we were just stage actors and shit doing plays. 0.95
01:07:08.000 You can't yell at people. 0.98
01:07:09.000 No, I know.
01:07:10.000 It's not acceptable.
01:07:11.000 It's so bananas.
01:07:12.000 It's not acceptable.
01:07:13.000 Bananas.
01:07:14.000 Yeah, yeah, it's not.
01:07:15.000 I hate this play, man.
01:07:16.000 You're like, I know.
01:07:18.000 Never.
01:07:19.000 Did you see the YouTube video of the guy who's doing this performance art piece in New York and there was a big Christian contingent in the audience?
01:07:27.000 No.
01:07:27.000 You haven't seen this?
01:07:28.000 No.
01:07:28.000 I forget the dude's name.
01:07:30.000 I should probably YouTube it or something like that.
01:07:34.000 Christians Walk Out on... 1.00
01:07:36.000 I don't even know how I would YouTube it.
01:07:38.000 I don't even know how I would find it.
01:07:40.000 Yeah.
01:07:41.000 If you could find it, Brian, this Christian's walkout on live performance. 1.00
01:07:46.000 They poured water on his notes. 0.95
01:07:48.000 He was doing a bit, and in the bit, he was like, it's something to do with if you were having sex with Paris Hilton. 0.99
01:07:58.000 Like, in the moment, you'd be saying, you'd be fucking, you'd be going, wow, I can't believe I'm fucking Paris Hilton. 0.99
01:08:03.000 And then Paris Hilton would be thinking, I can't believe I'm fucking Paris Hilton at the same time. 0.98
01:08:09.000 It was really, you know, it was kind of funny. 0.91
01:08:11.000 And this guy gets up, and then they all get up.
01:08:14.000 There's like 80 people that were there from a Christian group, and they start pouring water on his notes. 1.00
01:08:18.000 And these were his original notes.
01:08:20.000 And this is, he doesn't have anything typed out.
01:08:23.000 He has it all, his whole show, written down on these notes.
01:08:25.000 This guy poured water on it, and it, you know, it's like they were...
01:08:29.000 They were pissed and storming out of there because they thought that somehow or another this was offensive.
01:08:33.000 How was this effective?
01:08:34.000 I don't know.
01:08:35.000 They tried to grab his notes too.
01:08:36.000 They're just big Paris Hilton fans?
01:08:38.000 No! 0.99
01:08:38.000 I just think that it was the idea of them, someone talking about fucking in front of them. 0.99
01:08:43.000 They're a bunch of creepy weirdos is really basically what it is. 0.99
01:08:45.000 Yeah. 0.74
01:08:46.000 You know, look, the whole idea of these Christian groups and, you know, you're going to go up and pour water on someone's notes and you're going to be upset at them for their words. 1.00
01:08:55.000 You stupid fuck. 1.00
01:08:55.000 That's anti-Christian, you dummy. 1.00
01:08:57.000 Right. 0.98
01:08:57.000 That's absolutely the antithesis of what you're supposed to be doing. 0.98
01:09:02.000 I heard people get upset about stuff when they yell at you.
01:09:06.000 I love when they're just so upset about a certain topic or joke and they're like, I remember with you one time, I don't know, is this on your last special, with the baby?
01:09:16.000 Which one?
01:09:17.000 The baby...
01:09:19.000 I don't think it's doing that.
01:09:21.000 Which bit?
01:09:21.000 Was it the kids getting...
01:09:23.000 Oh, if I walked in on a little...
01:09:26.000 No, that's never been on any special.
01:09:28.000 Is that coming on this one?
01:09:29.000 I don't know.
01:09:30.000 I haven't been doing it.
01:09:31.000 I think that bit might have passed its time.
01:09:34.000 Sometimes I have bits that just pass their time.
01:09:37.000 But people get upset.
01:09:38.000 They're like, how dare you?
01:09:40.000 That's a five-year-old boy or whatever.
01:09:42.000 You know what I'm going to do with that bit, man? 0.97
01:09:44.000 I'm going to use that bit as a fucking bonus extra. 0.85
01:09:48.000 Yeah, I always liked it a bit. 0.98
01:09:49.000 It got me a little hard.
01:09:51.000 You know what it did?
01:09:51.000 I didn't do it well in Ohio to the special.
01:09:55.000 It was like something was off and I decided to get it out.
01:09:59.000 Yeah, people get it.
01:10:01.000 I like when they get a righteous indignation. 1.00
01:10:05.000 I talk about some guy that's fucking a dolphin. 1.00
01:10:08.000 He was on the Howard Stern show and he was having sex with his dolphin regularly. 1.00
01:10:12.000 I didn't fucking make it up. 0.99
01:10:15.000 I'm just reporting it and people are like... 0.97
01:10:16.000 Oh, no!
01:10:18.000 Oh, no!
01:10:18.000 It's like, really?
01:10:19.000 You don't think in the world that this exists as a grown-up topic?
01:10:23.000 You know, it's just right now, you haven't really quite gotten your full stride as far as people recognizing how funny you are and having your own crowd.
01:10:33.000 I'm sure your podcast has changed a lot of it, right?
01:10:35.000 It's helped.
01:10:36.000 It's definitely helped.
01:10:37.000 And by the way, folks, the podcast is called Your Mom's House.
01:10:40.000 Why?
01:10:42.000 Why?
01:10:42.000 Why is it called Your Mom's House?
01:10:44.000 We're obsessed with that whole phenomenon of calling each other mommy.
01:10:47.000 What's the worst thing you could call your spouse?
01:10:50.000 It's like mommy.
01:10:51.000 And we started doing it in 07 or 08 and it just stuck.
01:10:55.000 It's just part of our vernacular in the house.
01:10:57.000 I'm going out to the store.
01:10:59.000 I'll be back, mommy. 1.00
01:11:00.000 It's just stupid to say, like silly. 1.00
01:11:03.000 So dumb. 1.00
01:11:03.000 And then I always thought that your mom jokes were dumb, so I thought it would be fun. 1.00
01:11:08.000 It's just juvenile. 0.99
01:11:09.000 Yeah, it's just juvenile.
01:11:09.000 We're real juvenile.
01:11:10.000 The whole show is juvenile.
01:11:12.000 So just to say, your mom's house.
01:11:13.000 It's like, where are you going?
01:11:14.000 I'm going to your mom's house.
01:11:15.000 It's just silly to say. 1.00
01:11:16.000 It's dumb. 0.99
01:11:17.000 But that's what amuses me, is that it's silly. 1.00
01:11:19.000 Well, you guys are both very silly. 0.97
01:11:21.000 You're my favorite married couple that are comedians, because you're the only ones that are still together. 0.98
01:11:25.000 Thank you.
01:11:27.000 Everybody else I know, they drop like flies.
01:11:30.000 Oh my gosh.
01:11:31.000 I don't know many others.
01:11:33.000 Well, you know, in our business, do you guys want some more of this?
01:11:38.000 Not baby powder.
01:11:39.000 Thank you. 1.00
01:11:40.000 In our business, there's a lot of us that are fucked in the head. 0.99
01:11:45.000 Yeah, I know. 1.00
01:11:46.000 I mean, this job, it's almost a given that there's going to be a certain amount of You're fucked in the head if you want to become a comedian. 1.00
01:11:55.000 Oh, for sure. 0.99
01:11:56.000 And so then to find someone who's got the right kind of fucked in your head that meshes with your kind of fucked in the head is what it's all about. 0.99
01:12:02.000 Yeah, that's what it is, right? 0.99
01:12:04.000 Absolutely.
01:12:05.000 That's the best way to break it down.
01:12:06.000 Yeah, but it's all... 0.99
01:12:08.000 Like, fucked in the head, people think is bad, but it's not bad. 1.00
01:12:11.000 If it wasn't for all of my fucked in the heads, I wouldn't have ever gotten anywhere. 1.00
01:12:15.000 That's right. 0.99
01:12:15.000 Because most of my impulses are to do things that are fucking completely risky, really have a fucking terrible future success ratio. 0.99
01:12:24.000 Really, no chance you're going to fucking get by. 1.00
01:12:27.000 If you had a kid and he said, hey, Dad, I'm thinking about being a stand-up, you'd be like, oh, fuck. 1.00
01:12:32.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00
01:12:34.000 Don't do that.
01:12:34.000 Especially if he wasn't funny.
01:12:36.000 That, exactly.
01:12:38.000 That's how my mom treated it when I told her I was going to do it.
01:12:41.000 Oh, I dropped out of law school to be a comic after two weeks.
01:12:45.000 Imagine that.
01:12:45.000 And my parents are immigrants who escaped from Hungary to come here.
01:12:49.000 Oh, my God.
01:12:50.000 So, like, the double.
01:12:51.000 Jesus Christ.
01:12:52.000 Yeah.
01:12:53.000 But it is that we met.
01:12:53.000 Like, we talk about that, like, who else would tolerate what you say, you know?
01:12:59.000 Yeah, because we're very inappropriate by normal people, whatever, standards, outside of comedy world people.
01:13:06.000 Yeah, I was talking with Amy Schumer about this.
01:13:08.000 We're sitting down and she said something about her mom, like what her mom was made of. 1.00
01:13:15.000 And somehow or another I got to asking her whether or not her mom was a cunt or insinuating her mom was a cunt. 1.00
01:13:21.000 And I was like, it's so fun that you know with comedians you can do that. 1.00
01:13:24.000 Yeah, and it's fine. 1.00
01:13:25.000 My mom is a cunt. 1.00
01:13:27.000 You know, you can say that. 1.00
01:13:29.000 But if you say that to a lot of regular people, they're like, fuck you, man. 1.00
01:13:32.000 That's my mom. 1.00
01:13:33.000 Bro, that's not cool.
01:13:34.000 You know, we say that to each other.
01:13:36.000 That's the dude.
01:13:37.000 What's his name?
01:13:38.000 His name is Mike Daisy.
01:13:40.000 Audience protest on YouTube.
01:13:42.000 Look how badass Brian is.
01:13:43.000 How did you not win the Shorty Award, dude?
01:13:45.000 Because it's not real.
01:13:46.000 Do you want to hear it?
01:13:47.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:13:48.000 Play it.
01:13:48.000 It's kind of interesting.
01:13:49.000 For the moment.
01:13:51.000 Because you're thinking about what that moment signifies.
01:13:53.000 And Paris Hilton, what's Paris Hilton thinking?
01:13:56.000 Paris Hilton is thinking, oh my god, oh my god, I'm Paris Hilton.
01:14:04.000 That was the punchline that I had already gave away.
01:14:07.000 And that's New York.
01:14:08.000 Now they get up.
01:14:10.000 So he's sitting there.
01:14:11.000 He's got this changed look on his face.
01:14:12.000 How big a group is getting up?
01:14:13.000 I think it's like 40 people or something like that.
01:14:15.000 It was like the first time his show had sold out.
01:14:17.000 And now he doesn't know what's going on.
01:14:19.000 He's sitting there.
01:14:20.000 They're getting up.
01:14:20.000 And then one guy takes his water and he starts pouring it on the notes.
01:14:24.000 So Christian-like. 0.99
01:14:25.000 And then he shoves the water bottle in Mike's glass.
01:14:30.000 Wow. 1.00
01:14:31.000 Yeah, he just got up and fucked with them. 1.00
01:14:37.000 And they said they're leaving because of the language. 1.00
01:14:40.000 That's the producer.
01:14:44.000 And so he tries to talk to them.
01:14:52.000 He gets up, and all these people are filing out. 0.94
01:14:55.000 Hey, do any of you people who are leaving want to stay and talk about this, or do you want to run out like cowards? 0.96
01:15:04.000 Do you want to talk about this like adults that you came to my show to see, or do you want to walk out like cowards?
01:15:11.000 Because I can refrain from using language when talking to you, but I'd like you to use the English language to talk to me.
01:15:17.000 You insulted my show.
01:15:19.000 You poured water on my art.
01:15:21.000 You messed up my things here.
01:15:23.000 Do you all intend to just walk out of here?
01:15:26.000 Hey, ma'am, you appear to be an adult.
01:15:28.000 Would you like to stay and talk about this?
01:15:31.000 Okay, so then he gets back and he kind of like, he takes it really well.
01:15:44.000 He comes back and sits down and then starts joking around about it.
01:15:51.000 Are you guys leaving?
01:15:52.000 Is there anyone that would like to speak to what?
01:15:54.000 Ma'am, please take a message back to your people.
01:16:04.000 People of Earth.
01:16:06.000 Thank you.
01:16:08.000 Yes.
01:16:09.000 Go into my face! 1.00
01:16:12.000 You disgust me. 1.00
01:16:15.000 Get out of my theater. 1.00
01:16:17.000 We're going to stay, stay.
01:16:18.000 I can't believe none of you, none of you would have the guts to stay here and talk to me. 0.99
01:16:24.000 That guy doesn't sound gay. 0.82
01:16:26.000 Jesus, why?
01:16:27.000 Are you with this group?
01:16:29.000 Oh, okay.
01:16:31.000 Well, we don't have to.
01:16:31.000 We're talking already.
01:16:33.000 But the point is, just like your shows, a lot of people, they don't know exactly what you're doing.
01:16:37.000 Well, yeah.
01:16:38.000 They're coming to a comedy show.
01:16:39.000 Just whatever.
01:16:40.000 Yeah, whatever's there.
01:16:41.000 But you wouldn't do that to a movie.
01:16:43.000 What's playing at the movie theater?
01:16:44.000 I don't care.
01:16:45.000 I'll pay money and two drinks and everything. 1.00
01:16:47.000 Assholes would. 1.00
01:16:48.000 Yeah, assholes would. 1.00
01:16:50.000 They would yell out at the movie theater too. 1.00
01:16:52.000 The crazy thing about when they go to comedy is when they assume that the show and the comedy should be presented to their tastes.
01:17:03.000 Otherwise, when they're like, yeah, but I'm not into this.
01:17:06.000 It's like, this isn't for you.
01:17:08.000 I had a lady yell out next subject once at the Next subject. 1.00
01:17:14.000 I think she even said drop it.
01:17:15.000 Next subject.
01:17:16.000 Wow.
01:17:18.000 I've had that when they go, like, move it along.
01:17:20.000 Oh boy.
01:17:20.000 Let's get past this.
01:17:21.000 It was my cloning Jesus bit.
01:17:24.000 There was a company called, I forget what it was.
01:17:28.000 It turned out to be a parody.
01:17:31.000 Oh, the Second Coming Project.
01:17:33.000 That's what the idea was.
01:17:34.000 The idea was they're going to take genetic material off of the Shroud of Turin and they were going to use it to clone Jesus. 0.74
01:17:40.000 And then my joke was like, that stuff, first of all, is not 100% accurate.
01:17:46.000 Like Dolly the Sheep, they had to clone a bunch of Dollies before they got one that would live. 0.54
01:17:50.000 I go, what if they clone Jesus and he comes back retarded? 1.00
01:17:53.000 I go, what happens then?
01:17:56.000 And I go, dude, what do you want to do?
01:17:58.000 It's your call.
01:17:59.000 I go, I say we follow him.
01:18:01.000 It could be a test.
01:18:02.000 It feels like a test to me. 1.00
01:18:04.000 Instead of turning water into wine, he would turn dog shit into cookies. 1.00
01:18:09.000 That was his move. 1.00
01:18:10.000 I like that Jesus. 1.00
01:18:13.000 I had this bed and I was in the middle of doing it and this fucking chick just goes, she just goes, next subject! 1.00
01:18:20.000 Next subject! 0.99
01:18:22.000 But people feel like if you're, especially if you're saying something about religion, which even though to the rational person it really is kind of silly to be connected inexorably to some ideology, who's ringing?
01:18:34.000 Oh my.
01:18:35.000 It's probably the most unprofessional person in the room.
01:18:38.000 It's probably me, then.
01:18:41.000 I thought it was Tommy.
01:18:42.000 Why am I so unprofessional?
01:18:44.000 I'm just kidding.
01:18:44.000 How dare you, seven-year-old type man.
01:18:47.000 Hey, so I got a new game for you guys to play.
01:18:50.000 I don't know.
01:18:51.000 Try to not flush the toilet as long as possible. 1.00
01:18:54.000 So you have to stack your shit on hers, vice versa. 0.99
01:18:59.000 I call it Fleshless in Seattle. 0.99
01:19:02.000 Just try it and see if you can go three days.
01:19:04.000 That's my cutoff.
01:19:06.000 Tommy wins after one performance.
01:19:07.000 I'm sorry about that.
01:19:08.000 My apologies for the phone ringing.
01:19:10.000 What the hell were we talking about?
01:19:11.000 I shut the other phone off, didn't I? Hopefully.
01:19:13.000 You're talking about...
01:19:13.000 Jesus bits.
01:19:14.000 Oh, next bit.
01:19:15.000 People freaking out.
01:19:16.000 Yeah, it's just a, you know, especially what I was saying is when it's a religious thing.
01:19:20.000 Like, people really feel like this is something you are not allowed to talk about.
01:19:25.000 You know, this is my religion.
01:19:28.000 It's funny when they say that.
01:19:29.000 You shouldn't talk about politics or religion.
01:19:31.000 Those are two things you should avoid. 0.99
01:19:32.000 Well, there's only a couple left for me to find out if you're crazy.
01:19:36.000 What do you think about ghosts?
01:19:38.000 You ever see a UFO? There's only a couple more things I have left for me to find out if you're fucking crazy. 1.00
01:19:43.000 Once you get through politics, as soon as you go, well, I've always been a Republican. 0.99
01:19:48.000 I'm going to stick with the party.
01:19:49.000 I think the party line is absolutely right.
01:19:51.000 And sometimes we go a little off track. 1.00
01:19:52.000 Oh, you crazy asshole. 1.00
01:19:54.000 So if I can't talk politics with that guy... 1.00
01:19:57.000 We're going to talk Bigfoot.
01:19:58.000 We're going to talk Sasquatch.
01:19:59.000 There you go.
01:20:01.000 Yeah, people get really fired up. 0.99
01:20:02.000 They get fucking mad, man. 0.99
01:20:04.000 They feel like they're allowed to get mad, too. 0.99
01:20:06.000 It's not like if they disagree with you.
01:20:08.000 They take pride in getting mad about it.
01:20:09.000 Sure.
01:20:10.000 Well, it's righteous.
01:20:11.000 It is.
01:20:11.000 It's righteous.
01:20:12.000 To be offended.
01:20:12.000 Even to the point of finding an excuse to commit violence.
01:20:17.000 Yeah.
01:20:18.000 I mean, that guy only poured water on the notes.
01:20:21.000 But I mean, how close... 0.97
01:20:23.000 You pour water on some dude's notes, and they're going to fucking throw a water bottle at you, and you might hit them, and it might turn into some physical altercation. 0.99
01:20:32.000 You can't pour water on someone's fucking notes because you don't like what they're saying. 0.99
01:20:35.000 That's... 1.00
01:20:36.000 Complete douchebag move. 0.98
01:20:37.000 Unless the guy's notes are all a bunch of lies about you or something and you're mad. 1.00
01:20:42.000 But if it's about Paris Hilton, you fucking weirdo. 0.99
01:20:45.000 That's what you're picking your battles right there? 0.99
01:20:47.000 So this was not like a protest to go to this show.
01:20:49.000 This was actually a group that went to a show.
01:20:51.000 Yes.
01:20:51.000 And we're like, we don't like this.
01:20:52.000 Yes.
01:20:53.000 Well, he says the F word.
01:20:55.000 Yeah.
01:20:56.000 And then these grown-ups can't handle hearing fun.
01:20:57.000 What kind of show? 0.99
01:20:58.000 Is he on Broadway or some shit? 0.99
01:20:59.000 I don't know. 0.99
01:21:00.000 It's in New York.
01:21:01.000 I don't know.
01:21:01.000 It's in New York.
01:21:02.000 That's so nuts, man.
01:21:04.000 Poor guy.
01:21:04.000 It's fascinating.
01:21:05.000 I don't want to hear the F word.
01:21:07.000 The way he handled it was really interesting too.
01:21:10.000 He was much more offended than I think a comedian would be in the same situation. 0.96
01:21:15.000 It's like they came to his show and they fucked up his whole thing. 0.99
01:21:19.000 Yeah, we're just used to being fucked with. 1.00
01:21:22.000 It's just par for the course. 1.00
01:21:23.000 Friday Late Show, let's do it.
01:21:25.000 Friday Late Show is always the most brutal, right?
01:21:29.000 Everyone's hammered.
01:21:29.000 Everyone's tired.
01:21:30.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:21:31.000 Yeah, and you don't go when they're leaving. 1.00
01:21:33.000 You don't go like, does anyone want to stay and discuss this? 1.00
01:21:36.000 You're just like, get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit. 1.00
01:21:39.000 I'm not even selling merch. 1.00
01:21:40.000 Yeah, Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:21:42.000 Go fuck yourself. 1.00
01:21:44.000 Those are brutal shows. 1.00
01:21:46.000 How about the late show, Saturday, when you have to do three?
01:21:49.000 That's a nightmare.
01:21:50.000 I gave up on those the moment I could.
01:21:52.000 I remember I'd get those calls.
01:21:54.000 No third show on Saturday?
01:21:56.000 No, no third show.
01:21:57.000 Last time you were here, we did a third show on Saturday.
01:21:59.000 It was pretty successful.
01:22:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:22:01.000 For you. 1.00
01:22:01.000 Not for my fucking soul. 1.00
01:22:04.000 Not for my soul. 1.00
01:22:05.000 Quick comedy after that.
01:22:07.000 How many people are asleep at those shows?
01:22:09.000 Like, literally asleep.
01:22:11.000 Yes.
01:22:11.000 Like, sitting there drunk to the point of just complete incoherence.
01:22:17.000 You're doing that third show.
01:22:19.000 Oh, it was a brutal.
01:22:19.000 You kind of feel like...
01:22:20.000 If this were a 15 minute show, this wouldn't be that bad.
01:22:24.000 They're still into it.
01:22:25.000 That's about the attention.
01:22:26.000 The headline spot's brutal.
01:22:28.000 The road starts to turn.
01:22:30.000 Sometimes you'll see your feature have a great set. 0.99
01:22:33.000 And then you get up there and you're like 10-15 minutes in and you're like, this shit's starting to change. 0.98
01:22:37.000 There's a wall that you hit at like 20 and you can just see their face glaze. 0.99
01:22:43.000 Yeah, you should almost cut it short.
01:22:45.000 That wall matches the amount of shots that have been poured in that room.
01:22:48.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:22:48.000 You start to feel like, oh, shit. 1.00
01:22:49.000 Midnight show, you should cut short. 0.99
01:22:51.000 I would say do like a 45-minute set or a 40-minute set at the most.
01:22:54.000 Yeah.
01:22:55.000 If you've got to do a midnight show. 0.99
01:22:57.000 But those fucking shows, the good thing about it, like Ari Shaffir and I were talking about... 0.99
01:23:01.000 The opening spot. 0.99
01:23:03.000 One of the things that makes you really powerful is doing an opening spot where you have to go on first.
01:23:09.000 The crowd's not warmed up at all.
01:23:11.000 Doing that makes you really fucking focus and lock in quickly. 0.50
01:23:16.000 You can't just coast on the energy that's already been on stage before you. 0.82
01:23:21.000 When people do well and they go on before you, you can just ride their energy.
01:23:26.000 Just go up there and coast.
01:23:28.000 But to open up, it really strengthens your act.
01:23:33.000 I remember I watched you do it a bunch of times when we went on the road, and I could see you setting up right away. 0.99
01:23:39.000 You want to make sure that you come out of the gate strong, confident, hit them with some good shit right away. 0.99
01:23:44.000 Try to, yeah. 0.99
01:23:46.000 It's a tricky little first moment.
01:23:48.000 The first moment they see you up there.
01:23:49.000 I'm like, hmm, how's this going to go?
01:23:52.000 It's so important, though, to try to do it right, right away.
01:23:58.000 You get them on board immediately, and then you get your own wave.
01:24:01.000 It's super strong for your act.
01:24:04.000 Totally.
01:24:04.000 You really learn how to develop weapons, like an opening weapon.
01:24:08.000 I just know this one's going to fucking kick them right in the dick. 1.00
01:24:11.000 That's why I love black audiences. 1.00
01:24:14.000 I did Cleveland and there's so many black people and I love them. 1.00
01:24:19.000 They're my favorite because if they smell your fear, you're fucked. 0.99
01:24:23.000 If they even sense for a minute that you hesitate or that you're afraid of them, the whole energy shifts. 0.99
01:24:30.000 But if they like you and they see that you don't give a fuck about what they think of you, you're good. 0.98
01:24:35.000 Yeah, I did a lot of black clubs in Boston. 1.00
01:24:37.000 Did a lot of shit in Mattapan. 0.98
01:24:39.000 And there was a dude who booked these really good clubs. 1.00
01:24:43.000 They were really good clubs, but it was all black crowds. 1.00
01:24:45.000 And it paid better than the white shows.
01:24:47.000 It was great.
01:24:49.000 It was fascinating, man, watching.
01:24:51.000 One guy couldn't do his room because he had a strict censorship policy.
01:24:56.000 Very strict.
01:24:57.000 He would give the comics a speech before the show.
01:25:00.000 It was hilarious.
01:25:01.000 My friend John worked there. 1.00
01:25:02.000 He goes, no motherfuckers. 1.00
01:25:04.000 No motherfuckers. 1.00
01:25:05.000 He goes, no bitch, okay? 1.00
01:25:07.000 That's a lady. 1.00
01:25:09.000 And he goes, you don't say, oh, that bitch had a big ass. 1.00
01:25:11.000 You say, that woman had a wide behind. 1.00
01:25:14.000 Oh, boy. 0.63
01:25:15.000 He actually said that. 1.00
01:25:16.000 You don't say, that girl had a big ass. 1.00
01:25:18.000 She had a wide behind. 1.00
01:25:20.000 And they made people do really clean, censored comedy.
01:25:26.000 But it was one of the best rooms.
01:25:29.000 It was one of the rooms where I wish that I did clean comedy. 0.99
01:25:31.000 Because you could fucking crush that room. 0.99
01:25:34.000 They laughed hard. 0.99
01:25:37.000 It was one of the first times I ever saw Reggie McFadden, too. 0.97
01:25:40.000 Reggie McFadden, who's one of those guys that I never understood why Reggie McFadden never became fucking huge.
01:25:46.000 The Reggie McFadden that I knew from like 1990-ish, 1991, I was convinced that that kid was going to be like one of the top stand-up comedians in the country.
01:25:55.000 And one of the places I saw him was at the Champagne Comedy Club. 0.99
01:26:00.000 No motherfuckers. 1.00
01:26:02.000 No motherfuckers. 1.00
01:26:03.000 You can't say bitch. 1.00
01:26:04.000 That's a lady. 1.00
01:26:05.000 That's a lady. 1.00
01:26:06.000 That bitch had a big ass. 1.00
01:26:09.000 She had a wide behind. 1.00
01:26:10.000 Yeah, you have to say that.
01:26:11.000 He had very strict rules.
01:26:13.000 God, thank God you don't have to be a clean comic these days, huh?
01:26:15.000 It's brutal. 1.00
01:26:17.000 That shit's over. 1.00
01:26:18.000 Well, you know, what people don't understand is that everybody sort of got the idea that clean comedy was smart comedy because of television. 1.00
01:26:24.000 You know, the only reason why you had to have things clean on television is because you didn't want to offend the advertisers.
01:26:32.000 It's really simple. 0.98
01:26:34.000 So everybody basically became a bitch to the advertisers. 0.99
01:26:37.000 The advertisers don't want you talking about overthrowing the government. 1.00
01:26:40.000 That's why they censored Hicks' shit when Hicks was on CBS. You can't show tits and boobs and smoking weed. 1.00
01:26:47.000 You can't show smoking weed. 0.99
01:26:48.000 You can't show a lot of things.
01:26:50.000 Advertisers, they want to be able to sell to the most amount of people possible.
01:26:54.000 There's no artistic integrity or the right to opinion. 1.00
01:26:59.000 All that stuff's out the window when you're selling shit. 0.99
01:27:02.000 Well, that's interesting. 0.99
01:27:04.000 That kind of explains why TV sets are still sort of middle of the road.
01:27:08.000 Sure.
01:27:08.000 In terms of late night sets.
01:27:10.000 They censor the shit out of your set. 0.97
01:27:12.000 There's very few really edgy topics you could get away with. 0.98
01:27:16.000 Right.
01:27:17.000 You're doing a Letterman set.
01:27:18.000 That's not what it's for.
01:27:21.000 It is what it is.
01:27:22.000 But I don't think it's a more clever way of doing comedy.
01:27:25.000 I've always found that to put shackles on yourself as a writing exercise, I absolutely agree with.
01:27:32.000 I like to do that.
01:27:33.000 That's one of the things I like about Twitter, is the 140-character limit.
01:27:36.000 I think it actually helps my writing, like little zingers, little quick lines.
01:27:41.000 But I think to try to put...
01:27:47.000 It's hard to figure out how to do comedy and do it the most effective way with the least amount of extra words. 0.98
01:27:56.000 You ever watch a guy talk on stage and you go, get to the fucking point. 0.96
01:28:01.000 The jokes are really funny, but the setup is too clunky. 0.99
01:28:04.000 There's too much words there.
01:28:06.000 But then you watch a guy like Joey Diaz and one of the art forms that is Joey is Joey uses the least amount of words possible for the most impact.
01:28:13.000 He's brilliant at that.
01:28:15.000 That's a great formula.
01:28:18.000 The thing that I see people, like younger comics, I think screw up with the most is not saying, they don't have a clear view of what their point is.
01:28:28.000 In other words, they have their joke, but if you make the setup and the point that you're making up front clear, your joke will be more effective about it.
01:28:37.000 Right.
01:28:38.000 But they talk around their point.
01:28:40.000 The premise.
01:28:40.000 Yeah, the premise is like, you're like, I think you're saying this.
01:28:43.000 And they have a joke, and they're like, I wonder why that joke doesn't go over that.
01:28:46.000 A big part of it is listening to your recordings.
01:28:49.000 I should do that, man. 0.98
01:28:50.000 It's fucking huge. 0.98
01:28:51.000 I hate hearing my own voice so much. 0.99
01:28:52.000 Everybody does.
01:28:53.000 Yeah.
01:28:53.000 Yeah, but you gotta do it.
01:28:54.000 I know.
01:28:55.000 Do you have an iPhone?
01:28:56.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:28:56.000 Yeah, do you have that voice notes thing?
01:28:58.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:28:58.000 Do you record your sets?
01:28:59.000 I've done it once or twice. 0.98
01:29:01.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.98
01:29:02.000 I know. 0.99
01:29:02.000 I have to set it back and listen to it. 0.99
01:29:04.000 I do all the time.
01:29:05.000 I listen to it all the time.
01:29:07.000 And it helps me a lot because if I take like a week off, I'll just listen to like four or five sets in a row and it's like I'm right back in groove.
01:29:14.000 Isn't that crazy that a week off is like a month off?
01:29:18.000 I don't like taking a week off.
01:29:20.000 I like to do at least one set a week if I'm in the warm-up stages.
01:29:25.000 But because I'm doing this thing in Atlanta, I did Fort Lauderdale for a week, and then I was here for a week, and then before that we were in Louisville for a week.
01:29:33.000 So it was like...
01:29:35.000 You get in comedy shape.
01:29:37.000 You get used to banging it out.
01:29:40.000 I don't like taking a week off.
01:29:42.000 I've taken more than a month off before.
01:29:45.000 Yeah, it's weird.
01:29:46.000 The most I've ever taken off in 10 years is about just under a month.
01:29:52.000 Yeah.
01:29:53.000 People don't understand.
01:29:55.000 There's a certain amount of conditioning that's necessary to be a comedian.
01:29:59.000 It's like a certain amount of getting used to it and doing it all the time.
01:30:04.000 It's almost like radiation. 0.98
01:30:07.000 You've got to fucking build up a tolerance for it or something. 0.99
01:30:10.000 The poison. 0.99
01:30:11.000 Which is a terrible analogy, because you can't build up a tolerance for radiation.
01:30:15.000 But it is very momentum-based.
01:30:17.000 It's venom.
01:30:18.000 You carry that momentum.
01:30:19.000 If you're doing it a lot, and you go tape your thing, it's like, you've been doing it. 0.97
01:30:24.000 If you take weeks off, and you go try to do something, you're like, I was fucking off.
01:30:27.000 Well, when we worked together... 0.82
01:30:29.000 We did that Maxim Comedy thing in Phoenix the first time we worked together.
01:30:33.000 And me and Charlie Murphy and John Heffron had been doing these dates all over the country.
01:30:39.000 We did like 22 shows in a row.
01:30:41.000 So we were just on fire. 0.98
01:30:42.000 And so what a great feeling that is when you're doing that many sets and you just go out there and fucking level it. 0.91
01:30:48.000 You have it so tweaked.
01:30:50.000 You have it so, like, you know exactly your beats and you figure it out that you can add something here and change something here.
01:30:56.000 That was a fun time. 0.98
01:30:57.000 And that's where I realized what size balls Charlie Murphy has. 1.00
01:31:01.000 Charlie Murphy has gigantic balls. 0.99
01:31:04.000 Literally? 0.99
01:31:04.000 Like big balls. 0.99
01:31:05.000 We always put them out and put them on our foreheads. 0.99
01:31:08.000 Take pictures, holds a hostage.
01:31:10.000 No, he was like headlining, dude.
01:31:12.000 He'd only been doing comedy for like two years.
01:31:14.000 It's crazy.
01:31:15.000 He was headlining and doing an hour, and he'd only been doing comedy for two years. 0.93
01:31:19.000 He has massive balls, that guy.
01:31:21.000 He just basically took an opportunity. 0.97
01:31:23.000 He got on the Chappelle show.
01:31:25.000 He was basically an actor before that. 0.94
01:31:26.000 Took that opportunity, started doing these little things where he would host things, and then people started giving him money to headline, and next thing you know, he's a fucking professional comedian, and now he's headlining all over the world. 0.97
01:31:35.000 It's crazy. 1.00
01:31:37.000 That's balls. 0.97
01:31:38.000 I mean, he was in his 40s when that all happened. 0.98
01:31:40.000 Wow.
01:31:41.000 That's wild.
01:31:42.000 Could you imagine starting in your 40s?
01:31:44.000 I couldn't imagine.
01:31:45.000 That seems so bananas to me. 0.88
01:31:46.000 I fucking loved hanging out with him, though. 0.95
01:31:47.000 He was a great guy. 0.98
01:31:49.000 Loved hanging out with him on the road.
01:31:50.000 Remember how much fun Charlie was?
01:31:53.000 Charlie Murphy and Rich?
01:31:54.000 I went to dinner with them one of those nights.
01:31:56.000 Oh yeah?
01:31:57.000 They took me to dinner.
01:31:58.000 Couldn't have been nicer.
01:31:58.000 He had me pissing my pants.
01:32:00.000 Just the stories. 0.99
01:32:02.000 Talking about fucking hanging out with Mike Tyson. 0.98
01:32:06.000 Oh yeah. 0.99
01:32:06.000 That story that he told on the podcast about the lion. 0.99
01:32:10.000 Did you ever hear that story he told? 1.00
01:32:11.000 Didn't someone animate that shit? 1.00
01:32:13.000 I feel like somebody animated the story. 1.00
01:32:15.000 Maybe I'm getting confused.
01:32:18.000 A story about somebody disrespected him in front of his dad.
01:32:22.000 He got so enraged. 1.00
01:32:24.000 The way he told the story, you weren't like, wow, that's some serious shit. 0.99
01:32:28.000 I was just fucking crying, laughing about how upset he got. 0.99
01:32:34.000 There's a reason those true Hollywood stories are so funny. 0.98
01:32:38.000 His way of telling a story is just, you know what I mean?
01:32:41.000 His diction and the cadence and the way he paints a picture.
01:32:45.000 That dude's just naturally funny.
01:32:46.000 Yeah, it's the Joe Rogan Experience, Mike Tyson, YouTube.
01:32:51.000 He was on our podcast when we talked about it, dude.
01:32:54.000 If you go to the Joe Road Experience, Mike Tyson, he talks about Mike.
01:32:59.000 He visited Mike Tyson over his house and somebody animated it.
01:33:03.000 Oh, that's cool.
01:33:04.000 Yeah.
01:33:04.000 He has great diction.
01:33:06.000 Yeah, he does.
01:33:06.000 I see Mike come around.
01:33:08.000 Yeah.
01:33:09.000 Yeah, Mike.
01:33:10.000 It was really weird because we didn't know him at all.
01:33:13.000 And then next thing you know, a month, every single day, we were hanging out with him.
01:33:16.000 Couldn't have been better.
01:33:17.000 Couldn't have been a different city.
01:33:19.000 That was exhausting.
01:33:20.000 It was great.
01:33:21.000 That's awesome.
01:33:22.000 Yeah.
01:33:22.000 It was the most confusing time ever, though.
01:33:24.000 We didn't know where we were.
01:33:25.000 We would wake up.
01:33:26.000 We didn't know where we were.
01:33:27.000 You guys don't see us? 0.99
01:33:29.000 Tour buses and shit? 1.00
01:33:30.000 No. 1.00
01:33:30.000 Not really. 1.00
01:33:31.000 We were supposed to have a tour bus, but the tour bus ripped us off.
01:33:34.000 Oh, that's right.
01:33:35.000 They scammed you.
01:33:36.000 Yeah, they scammed us.
01:33:37.000 They had an address, and we drove to where the address was, and it was literally an abandoned lot.
01:33:43.000 They scammed Sussman. 0.99
01:33:46.000 Yeah, see, this is it, buddy.
01:33:47.000 This is the animation where he's talking about Mike Tyson.
01:33:50.000 Oh, that's weird.
01:33:51.000 I've not seen that.
01:33:51.000 Yeah, if you can find that, folks, if you're interested in it, I'll tweet it later tonight.
01:33:56.000 Oh, and I told you to ask him.
01:33:57.000 Oh, that's right.
01:33:59.000 Yeah, you texted me.
01:34:01.000 I was like, you've got to ask him about Johnny Gill.
01:34:04.000 He's hanging out with Johnny Gill. 0.98
01:34:06.000 And Johnny Gill's like, I could fuck up Oscar De La Hoya. 1.00
01:34:09.000 He's like, I'm going to tell Oscar that shit. 1.00
01:34:13.000 That's right. 1.00
01:34:15.000 Well, Charlie was an old school karate guy.
01:34:18.000 Charlie Murphy was an old school karate guy.
01:34:21.000 He was doing karate from the time he was a young kid.
01:34:24.000 So me and him had a lot of karate stories and martial arts stories.
01:34:28.000 He's a huge martial arts aficionado.
01:34:30.000 When he sees you, he'll go, Oh, really?
01:34:33.000 Yeah. 0.96
01:34:34.000 He knows, everybody that knows something about fighting, you know, it's funny, like, when somebody who says, like, I could whoop that guy's ass, and you're talking about, like, a professional fighter? 0.96
01:34:42.000 Oh, it's so, it's a horrible thing to watch, but I've heard it, I've heard it come out of many a guy's mouth. 1.00
01:34:48.000 Many a dumb guy's mouth. 1.00
01:34:49.000 They talk about, bro, all I have to do is hit him once. 1.00
01:34:51.000 Let me tell you something.
01:34:52.000 Uriah Faber, he fights at 135 pounds. 0.99
01:34:54.000 And if you're like some regular dude and you're 6'3 and you weigh 230 pounds, that little dude's going to fuck you up. 1.00
01:35:02.000 He's going to fuck you up. 0.99
01:35:03.000 He's going to be doing things to you that you don't even know what he's doing before he's doing them. 1.00
01:35:06.000 And it'll be too late.
01:35:07.000 And if he gets a hold of your neck, you're going to sleep.
01:35:09.000 It doesn't matter if you weigh 300 pounds.
01:35:11.000 If Uriah Faber can get a real guillotine around your neck, night, night, night, night, you go sleep.
01:35:16.000 It's not that hard to cut off the blood to the brain.
01:35:19.000 You know, you just pinch those arteries together, and if you have a good grip, and Uriah does, if he can hang on and keep that guy from prying him off for just 15 seconds, I bet he can do that.
01:35:29.000 I bet he puts that guy to sleep.
01:35:31.000 You know, there's a lot of dudes out there that are professional fighters, and I bet they get disrespected occasionally, occasionally by dummies.
01:35:39.000 But for the most part, I think people are pretty cool about it.
01:35:41.000 Well, the thing was, the whole reason we were talking about that story about Johnny Gill and Oscar De La Hoya was because people would say it about Oscar more because he had the pretty boy image. 0.99
01:35:52.000 It's like, yeah, that pretty boy could fuck you up, dude. 0.99
01:35:55.000 Manny Pacquiao. 1.00
01:35:56.000 Man, I met Manny Pacquiao.
01:35:57.000 He's like this tiny guy.
01:35:58.000 He's like real super sweet and friendly.
01:36:00.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:36:01.000 Manny Pacquiao will fuck you up, man. 1.00
01:36:03.000 Totally, you know? 1.00
01:36:04.000 And it would happen faster than you could get your hands up.
01:36:06.000 Like, it would be over before you positioned yourself for your first part.
01:36:12.000 Margarito.
01:36:12.000 He broke both his eye sockets.
01:36:15.000 So fast, so strong.
01:36:18.000 How do you heal that?
01:36:19.000 You'd go to surgery.
01:36:20.000 He had an artificial implant in one of his lenses.
01:36:24.000 One of his lenses apparently got damaged in the fight too.
01:36:26.000 His eye completely swole up. 0.98
01:36:28.000 One of them was just really fucked up. 0.97
01:36:31.000 And apparently just Manny Pacquiao just tuned his face up. 0.99
01:36:34.000 And what's really crazy is like earlier in the fight, like he was saying to his coroner, man, he's got no power.
01:36:39.000 He's got no power.
01:36:40.000 I don't know if Manny baited him in.
01:36:42.000 Maybe Manny played Pity Pat with his face a little bit and then started landing some bombs on him.
01:36:46.000 But you're just dealing with a guy.
01:36:49.000 There's that level, that Manny Pacquiao level, Floyd Mayweather level.
01:36:53.000 They're masters.
01:36:54.000 Juan Manuel Marquez.
01:36:56.000 Super elite.
01:36:57.000 Masters of boxing.
01:36:59.000 And it's so fun to watch.
01:37:00.000 Yeah.
01:37:01.000 It's so fun to watch.
01:37:01.000 I've been going to this boxing gym, and there's this junior Olympian who does his sparring there.
01:37:08.000 Really?
01:37:08.000 And then I'm sitting there after, like, basically a class, and the sparring is going on, and they're rotating people in.
01:37:15.000 And they send in this kid who's really fucking moving. 0.85
01:37:18.000 He's landing stuff. 0.99
01:37:18.000 He's getting hit, too. 0.99
01:37:19.000 But I'm like, this kid's good.
01:37:21.000 And they're like, yeah, he's been doing it for eight years.
01:37:23.000 And I was like, well, how old is he?
01:37:25.000 And, like, he just turned 15. And I was like, that kid can fucking kill me. 1.00
01:37:28.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:37:29.000 Sophomore in high school could kill me. 1.00
01:37:32.000 He's just watching him move.
01:37:35.000 They're fearless when they're that young.
01:37:37.000 There was a kid that used to come to our jiu-jitsu school and his dad used to bring him in when he was in high school.
01:37:41.000 He was being partially homeschooled, partially tutored by different people, but his dad was real attentive.
01:37:47.000 His dad would bring him into high school and this kid was an assassin.
01:37:50.000 He was an assassin.
01:37:52.000 He was 15 years old.
01:37:53.000 And I was a grown man, and I outweighed him by like 50 pounds. 0.99
01:37:56.000 And when we would go at it, I'd have to watch my fucking P's and Q's. 0.99
01:38:00.000 Because that kid was looking to put me to sleep. 1.00
01:38:02.000 We would go to war. 0.95
01:38:03.000 Isn't that amazing?
01:38:04.000 I would have to wrestle a little rascal before I could get a grip on him.
01:38:09.000 Yeah, it's amazing.
01:38:10.000 Scary!
01:38:10.000 15-year-olds, man, they go, no...
01:38:12.000 And that's what he was into.
01:38:14.000 He was into jiu-jitsu.
01:38:15.000 I mean, he's amazing at it now.
01:38:17.000 I mean, he was into jujitsu. 0.98
01:38:18.000 He was into choking the shit out of people. 0.98
01:38:19.000 That's what he was concentrating all his time on. 0.98
01:38:22.000 When you're a kid, too, and you find one thing that you're really fucking good at, and that feeling of being really good at something is so fucking nice for kids.
01:38:29.000 Especially, I don't know if it goes both ways, but especially when you're a 15-year-old boy, and you're looking for that direction and approval, and you find an activity that you get told you're good at, and you focus on that.
01:38:44.000 Also, when you do something and it's hard to do, and then you do it, you go, oh, I did that.
01:38:50.000 I went through something, I had doubts, it was hard to do, but I did it.
01:38:54.000 Now I can probably do something else.
01:38:55.000 It gives you this feeling that you can just attempt things and accomplish things.
01:39:00.000 I mean, occasionally I think about what it would be like to own a restaurant.
01:39:04.000 Not that I want to own a restaurant.
01:39:05.000 I absolutely don't.
01:39:07.000 And I watch one of these TV shows on restaurants, like Anthony Bourdain's show or something like that, when you're dealing with these guys who are working 16 hours a day, and the preparation of food, and the going to the market, and gathering up all the ingredients, and creating the menus, and it is their life.
01:39:21.000 And you stop and you think about it, like, could you do that? 0.98
01:39:24.000 Do you think the amount of fucking... 0.98
01:39:28.000 I'm absolutely positive I could do it if I was so obsessed. 0.99
01:39:31.000 If I was obsessed in that way to do it. 0.98
01:39:34.000 But everybody's got their own little whatever the fuck it is. 0.98
01:39:37.000 Hopefully. 0.98
01:39:38.000 I don't know if everybody does.
01:39:39.000 I hear some people don't.
01:39:40.000 You have to put so much time and energy into stand-up, into being a comedian.
01:39:44.000 But that's because we love it.
01:39:45.000 You're always thinking about things and material and this and that.
01:39:50.000 But with food, no.
01:39:51.000 Do you ever do things, like, on purpose, hoping that it'll be funny?
01:39:54.000 Like, go places, like, okay, this, I'll probably get some material out of this.
01:39:58.000 Yeah, oh yeah.
01:39:59.000 Yeah, totally, right?
01:40:00.000 Yeah.
01:40:01.000 Well, the longer you do it, too, the more you feel like, you know, if I try this thing right now and it doesn't work out, like, it's okay.
01:40:08.000 Right.
01:40:08.000 I know how to get back on the horse from here.
01:40:11.000 So, like, you take more risk, I think, the longer you've been doing it, right?
01:40:14.000 Like, I feel like... 0.98
01:40:15.000 If I bring up some shit right now and this fucking fails horribly because I don't know what jokes I'm going to say. 0.99
01:40:19.000 Right. 0.99
01:40:20.000 I'm going to see what happens. 0.99
01:40:21.000 I could still recover from this show and just be like, oh, that was some weird shit. 0.99
01:40:26.000 It didn't work out. 0.99
01:40:26.000 It's fine. 0.99
01:40:27.000 Yeah.
01:40:28.000 And then sometimes you get a good joke out of it, though.
01:40:30.000 Right.
01:40:31.000 Just by trying it.
01:40:31.000 But I wouldn't have tried that five years ago.
01:40:34.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:40:34.000 Yeah, sometimes I'll go down dark roads on stage just to see where my fucking head pulls me out. 0.99
01:40:40.000 Like, if maybe some way there's a way that I can rescue myself. 0.91
01:40:43.000 You know, but in life, I definitely have done a bunch of things.
01:40:47.000 Like, when I moved to Colorado, one of the things I was thinking, I was like, damn, I'm going to get a lot of material out of this.
01:40:51.000 You know, that was 100%.
01:40:52.000 And I did, but...
01:40:53.000 You did?
01:40:53.000 The wrong way, but, you know, it's still...
01:40:56.000 It was, you know, like an exercise in doing something to...
01:41:00.000 So, like, I'm putting my new special out.
01:41:03.000 Yeah. 0.71
01:41:03.000 We're filming it next Friday, so I'm thinking, man, I'm going to have to do some fucking serious writing over the next couple months. 0.71
01:41:09.000 We're filming it tomorrow, this Friday.
01:41:11.000 Friday, yeah, this Friday.
01:41:12.000 Oh, I thought you said next Friday.
01:41:13.000 Well, yeah, the one that's coming up next.
01:41:15.000 Oh, yeah.
01:41:16.000 Next Friday?
01:41:16.000 Yeah.
01:41:17.000 This Friday.
01:41:17.000 Should I say this Friday?
01:41:18.000 I thought next Friday was the...
01:41:19.000 Yeah, no, you're right, really.
01:41:20.000 I shouldn't say next Friday, but I mean...
01:41:22.000 We're leaving in the morning.
01:41:23.000 Yeah, tomorrow.
01:41:23.000 We leave tomorrow morning.
01:41:24.000 What?
01:41:26.000 That's really exciting, man.
01:41:28.000 That's really exciting.
01:41:29.000 I'm fired up.
01:41:30.000 Tabernacle, right?
01:41:30.000 Yeah.
01:41:31.000 I'm fired up, too, to do it in Atlanta, because I haven't been in Atlanta in forever.
01:41:34.000 I love Atlanta.
01:41:34.000 It's been a long time.
01:41:35.000 Yeah, it's perfect, because it's all new shit. 0.97
01:41:37.000 All the stuff that I did before, it's from my talking monkeys in space. 0.98
01:41:41.000 So this is a completely new hour and a half, so I'm fucking fired up. 0.71
01:41:44.000 That's rad, man. 0.77
01:41:45.000 I'm so excited. 0.99
01:41:48.000 Atlanta's got great fucking food, too. 0.99
01:41:49.000 I want to take a bite out of a peach while we're down there. 0.99
01:41:51.000 What are you talking about, girls? 0.98
01:41:53.000 No.
01:41:54.000 Yeah, look at them.
01:41:55.000 Sexy, sultry, cuddly.
01:41:58.000 A lot of peaches down there.
01:41:59.000 What was it like working with Brian at Death Squad?
01:42:03.000 This man-child before me.
01:42:06.000 Brian, Brian, what is going on in your head?
01:42:09.000 I always think about that.
01:42:10.000 What is going on in my head?
01:42:11.000 It's a different kind of a dude.
01:42:12.000 It's a numbers game.
01:42:16.000 He's a different kind of dude.
01:42:17.000 You gotta accept that there's this too.
01:42:19.000 Yeah, of course.
01:42:20.000 I love him.
01:42:21.000 And also, there's Brian.
01:42:22.000 Yeah.
01:42:24.000 Yeah, I miss you guys.
01:42:25.000 You're one of the very few podcasts that I still listen to, and I even still, I haven't listened to every single one.
01:42:32.000 Are you guys still enjoying doing the podcast? 0.73
01:42:34.000 Do you like it now, like doing it from home, or are you realizing, oh shit, it's a lot of work? 0.98
01:42:38.000 Dude, it's better. 0.94
01:42:39.000 It is both.
01:42:40.000 It's both.
01:42:40.000 Do you edit it yourself?
01:42:42.000 Yeah, I mean, look, for somebody who's not into having or knowing what they're doing, it was a task.
01:42:51.000 It was harder than I thought just to figure it out, but I figured it out after...
01:42:55.000 The first one we put up was a disaster.
01:42:57.000 Disaster.
01:42:58.000 And then...
01:42:58.000 But then, you know, by the next one...
01:43:00.000 I was so happy, by the way. 0.99
01:43:02.000 I was just fucking... 0.98
01:43:04.000 Yeah, I told you so. 1.00
01:43:06.000 Yeah, terrible. 1.00
01:43:07.000 Motherfucker. 1.00
01:43:08.000 I'm just kidding. 1.00
01:43:09.000 No, there were people, there was plenty of those tweets.
01:43:12.000 Shouldn't have left, bro.
01:43:13.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:43:13.000 Well, they think they were not friends or something.
01:43:15.000 Yeah, but people think that it was like, well, we don't like each other.
01:43:18.000 Your last episode of Death Squad was kind of funny because I kind of jokingly was acting like really, like, bitchy. 0.68
01:43:24.000 Do you know what people also thought was serious?
01:43:26.000 What?
01:43:26.000 That when you were like, you know, maybe this will end up on, like, the show, like, Death Squad might end up on TV. And I was like, hold on, we don't want to leave yet.
01:43:34.000 That was so funny.
01:43:35.000 I was joking.
01:43:36.000 They were like, you showed your true colors when you said you wanted to stay.
01:43:39.000 Yeah, I was like, by the way, we're in talks right now with HBO. Just so you know, we had our second meeting today.
01:43:44.000 And he goes, wait, wait, we're just kidding.
01:43:46.000 No, we want to stay here.
01:43:47.000 But they thought we were serious when I said we want to stay now.
01:43:51.000 And they were like, you showed what kind of person you are when you said you wanted to stay now.
01:43:55.000 Yeah, you did show your true colors, Tom.
01:43:57.000 No, but I figured it out, dude.
01:43:59.000 I figured out the audio, I should say.
01:44:01.000 I haven't figured out the video.
01:44:02.000 The video's rough.
01:44:03.000 The audio, we figured out, and it is actually...
01:44:06.000 We can do when we...
01:44:08.000 It's still work, but we can do two a week.
01:44:10.000 We've tried to do, as often as we can, two a week.
01:44:15.000 Yeah, I mean, we do it all.
01:44:16.000 We have a little room that has the board and mics and cameras that aren't hooked up yet.
01:44:22.000 That's good.
01:44:22.000 You guys are working.
01:44:23.000 You're like a team, too.
01:44:24.000 We are.
01:44:24.000 We're a little duo.
01:44:25.000 Yeah, and it's good because it works for our schedules.
01:44:27.000 If we're both home for like 48 hours, we can crank out a couple.
01:44:31.000 It's easier to walk to our second room than to try to schedule something.
01:44:36.000 So that part was true.
01:44:37.000 Yeah.
01:44:37.000 It works out better.
01:44:38.000 Your podcast is one of the very few that actually is a husband and wife that's actually listenable.
01:44:43.000 That formula never really works.
01:44:45.000 It works for me.
01:44:46.000 There's a couple here and there that kind of are okay. 1.00
01:44:48.000 But for the most part, when I hear husband and wife, I just want to fucking shoot myself in the balls. 1.00
01:44:53.000 It is true. 1.00
01:44:54.000 That's a good point.
01:44:55.000 That's nice of you.
01:44:56.000 Well, why is that?
01:44:56.000 Why is that?
01:44:57.000 Because you're very comfortable people.
01:44:59.000 You're very fun.
01:45:00.000 Oh, no, what's annoying about...
01:45:02.000 Other people.
01:45:03.000 What bothers you?
01:45:04.000 Because it's like listening to a couple. 0.98
01:45:06.000 Where you guys, you're a couple, but you don't fucking PDA ourselves. 0.95
01:45:12.000 Also, you're cool. 0.87
01:45:14.000 You're both cool.
01:45:15.000 You actually are really good friends.
01:45:17.000 There's a lot of people that the only reason why they're together is this weird male-female sort of thing going on where they have nothing in common, nothing to talk about.
01:45:25.000 The conversations are all stunted.
01:45:26.000 You guys are clearly obviously like, I wish I had No, but I think about that a lot when, not to sound corny, but if he and I go to dinner and there's that table next to you that's completely silent and they're just eating and you're like, how do you do that? 0.99
01:45:40.000 Why do you marry somebody you can't fucking talk to? 0.96
01:45:43.000 Because this all goes. 1.00
01:45:44.000 The looks and your body turns to dog shit and all you have at the end of the day is a mind with another mind, right? 0.99
01:45:51.000 You may as well pick someone that you like talking to. 0.99
01:45:54.000 That's right.
01:45:54.000 Yeah, you gotta pick someone.
01:45:55.000 That always blew me away when a lot of guy friends I have would date for a long time and or marry somebody that they didn't have intellectually stimulating conversation with. 0.51
01:46:07.000 And you're like, how do you fucking talk to that adult all the time? 0.95
01:46:11.000 Well, they don't care. 1.00
01:46:13.000 That's where I'll get my pussy. 1.00
01:46:15.000 Okay, great. 1.00
01:46:16.000 I'll take care of the kids and now I'll go to work.
01:46:18.000 Done.
01:46:18.000 There's a lot of people that just accept it.
01:46:22.000 I've had friends that were in Horrible relationships.
01:46:25.000 And then all of a sudden they'll come and tell you that they're thinking about proposing.
01:46:28.000 Yeah!
01:46:29.000 Because that'll fix it, right?
01:46:30.000 Just buy a pet instead.
01:46:33.000 Yeah.
01:46:33.000 Yeah, you're right.
01:46:34.000 You're right. 0.99
01:46:35.000 Yeah, especially the ones that are fucking at each other's throats. 0.98
01:46:38.000 And he's like, you know, man, I'm just thinking that maybe if we just went on a different level of commitment, maybe this wouldn't be... 0.98
01:46:43.000 What are you talking about? 1.00
01:46:44.000 She's a crazy bitch and you're crazy for being with her. 1.00
01:46:46.000 You're a crazy asshole. 1.00
01:46:48.000 Or they have kids. 1.00
01:46:50.000 Yeah.
01:46:50.000 And there's a lot of what, the reason why people do that, people like to get absorbed in relationships to distract them from their shitbag lives.
01:46:57.000 Absolutely.
01:46:58.000 They love it.
01:46:58.000 They love doing it.
01:46:59.000 It's fun.
01:47:00.000 Or distract them from their real issues.
01:47:02.000 Right?
01:47:02.000 You don't have to address the real issues.
01:47:03.000 Fuck yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:47:04.000 If you're overeating or you're over smoking or you're over this or you're over that or you're over gambling or you're over masturbating, whatever the fuck it is. 1.00
01:47:10.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:47:11.000 You know, and just fucking, you'll be in the middle of it and Texting. 1.00
01:47:13.000 Where the fuck are you? 1.00
01:47:14.000 How come you're not texting me back? 0.99
01:47:17.000 Yeah.
01:47:17.000 Our show is also, you know, the thing is, we have a profound...
01:47:21.000 I mean, you know this better than anybody, Brian, that it's like a profoundly silly show. 0.97
01:47:26.000 Yeah, it's super silly. 0.99
01:47:27.000 It's so silly. 0.98
01:47:28.000 And we have a similar sensibility. 1.00
01:47:30.000 So, like, it probably wouldn't work if, like, the shit that made me laugh didn't make her laugh or vice versa. 0.99
01:47:35.000 Right, right, right. 0.99
01:47:36.000 We were able to...
01:47:37.000 One of my favorite episodes that you guys did lately, sorry, I just totally interrupted you, was your dad, where he wiped a booger on an elevator.
01:47:51.000 Oh, Jesus!
01:47:53.000 That was so fun.
01:47:55.000 San Diego, yeah.
01:47:56.000 That's so nasty. 0.76
01:47:57.000 Top dog. 1.00
01:47:59.000 That's what happens when a guy doesn't give a fuck about pussy anymore. 1.00
01:48:02.000 Ha ha ha! 1.00
01:48:04.000 That's true.
01:48:04.000 Well, that is accurate.
01:48:06.000 You know what the thing is?
01:48:07.000 He also, it's been one of those, you know, like dads have their dad bits.
01:48:12.000 You know what I mean?
01:48:13.000 One of his bits is boogers?
01:48:14.000 No, it's like talking about it.
01:48:16.000 Like, it's one of his bits.
01:48:19.000 For as long as I can remember, it's been like, if you get an elevator with him, he will say that.
01:48:24.000 Not do that.
01:48:24.000 He'll be like, you know what I like to do?
01:48:26.000 I like to put a booger on the lobby button. 1.00
01:48:28.000 And then I know everybody's touching it.
01:48:30.000 And you go, that's gross, man.
01:48:31.000 But he doesn't do it.
01:48:32.000 We got in the elevator, and the first time in my whole life, he goes, hey, watch this. 0.99
01:48:36.000 He goes up, he digs one out, and I was like, what the fuck? 0.99
01:48:40.000 And I looked at him like that, and he was like, oh, sorry, buddy. 0.99
01:48:43.000 And he knocks it off.
01:48:44.000 And it was a scraggler, too.
01:48:46.000 It was a big...
01:48:48.000 And on their podcast he has audio of him telling their mom what the dad did and the mom just like, that's like normal for her.
01:48:58.000 It's like she's always like, she seems like such a nice, she's so sweet.
01:49:03.000 She's so done.
01:49:04.000 She has zero tolerance.
01:49:06.000 Like zero for like a lack of class.
01:49:10.000 And anything gross. 1.00
01:49:11.000 Like, gross shit does not make her laugh. 1.00
01:49:13.000 So, I like to tell her gross shit to hear her disdain. 1.00
01:49:16.000 Because she gets so upset about it. 1.00
01:49:18.000 Like, she's like, ah!
01:49:19.000 And she can't even bear to hear it.
01:49:21.000 And it just brings me to tears.
01:49:23.000 The whole show is me just, like, crying, laughing.
01:49:25.000 Yeah.
01:49:26.000 I love your family so much.
01:49:27.000 I like your family a lot.
01:49:29.000 You like his family better than yours.
01:49:31.000 More than I like mine, yeah.
01:49:32.000 Mine's just too much drama.
01:49:33.000 And his is, like, they're loving.
01:49:35.000 That's great.
01:49:36.000 Like, his sister will yell from the room, like, Mom!
01:49:39.000 I want cereal!
01:49:40.000 And then the mommy's like, okay, darling, and brings her cereal.
01:49:44.000 That would never happen in my house growing up.
01:49:47.000 It wouldn't happen in mine either, by the way. 0.95
01:49:49.000 We're not fucking doing that at all. 0.84
01:49:51.000 But we've been talking a lot lately about our neighbor. 0.96
01:49:54.000 Oh, man.
01:49:55.000 Yeah, maybe you can help us.
01:49:56.000 Okay.
01:49:58.000 No roosters?
01:49:59.000 No roosters.
01:49:59.000 This is a different neighborhood.
01:50:01.000 Different neighborhoods.
01:50:02.000 So what happened was, we rented a place that there's our place, which is a two-bedroom, and then the owner owns the unit next to it, but doesn't live there.
01:50:14.000 And, like, lives in LA in a different part of town.
01:50:17.000 Okay.
01:50:17.000 And goes, well, yeah, that's my unit for, like, once a year I have family come in for, like, a week.
01:50:24.000 And sometimes, like, maybe once a year I'll stay there if I'm doing business on this side of town.
01:50:29.000 Right.
01:50:30.000 And crash somewhere. 1.00
01:50:31.000 Some shit like that. 1.00
01:50:32.000 Okay. 0.99
01:50:32.000 And so that was, I mean, it wasn't, like, part of the deal, but she was just like, that's just what it is. 0.99
01:50:36.000 Right.
01:50:36.000 Right.
01:50:37.000 So we're like, all right.
01:50:38.000 So it was kind of nice because you have no neighbor.
01:50:40.000 We didn't even know what it's like to have that neighbor. 0.90
01:50:42.000 And then, like, in the fall, one day I'm in our second room, which has a connection, like a vent, and I feel heat coming in, and I'm like, ah, shit, that's from the other unit.
01:50:54.000 And I go, that's weird that there's heat coming from the unit next door, right?
01:50:59.000 Because it's blowing into our unit.
01:51:00.000 So I go and I knock, and then it's this lady that's like, I'm like, oh, who are you?
01:51:05.000 And she's like, oh, I just moved in here.
01:51:07.000 And I was like, you moved in?
01:51:09.000 She's like, yeah.
01:51:10.000 I go, like, permanently?
01:51:11.000 She's like, nah, I'm just gonna be, like, looking for a place.
01:51:14.000 But, you know, I'm staying here because I'm friends with the owners.
01:51:17.000 And I was like, oh, okay.
01:51:17.000 I was like, how long do you think you're gonna stay?
01:51:19.000 She's like, probably for a while.
01:51:21.000 I was like...
01:51:21.000 Great.
01:51:22.000 Like, how long?
01:51:23.000 She was like, just probably for a long time.
01:51:24.000 I was like... 1.00
01:51:25.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
01:51:25.000 An indefinite amount. 1.00
01:51:26.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:51:27.000 And then she asked if she could park in our driveway and all that shit. 1.00
01:51:30.000 And if she could use our internet connection. 0.99
01:51:32.000 Whoa.
01:51:32.000 And we're like, nah, I don't think so.
01:51:33.000 This was on the first meeting.
01:51:34.000 Like, whoa.
01:51:35.000 Yeah, a little much.
01:51:36.000 Can I use your internet connection?
01:51:38.000 Yeah.
01:51:38.000 She was like, do you think I can get your password and I can throw you like a few bucks?
01:51:40.000 Nah.
01:51:41.000 Whoa.
01:51:42.000 That's not going to work.
01:51:43.000 What did she say?
01:51:44.000 And she was like, okay.
01:51:46.000 And I was like, yes, that's not going to work.
01:51:47.000 She was like, do you think I could park in the driveway behind your car and I'll leave my phone number on a card? 0.99
01:51:53.000 Are you fucking serious? 1.00
01:51:55.000 So she can block us with her shitty car. 1.00
01:51:57.000 She sounds like a hippie. 1.00
01:51:58.000 Yeah.
01:51:59.000 That sounds like, that's exactly the type of mentality that I had to deal with a lot in Boulder.
01:52:04.000 Really?
01:52:05.000 A lot of always need this, always need that.
01:52:08.000 Can I get that from you, man? 0.99
01:52:10.000 I've been broke as shit. 0.99
01:52:12.000 I've never had the balls to be like, you think I could tap into your internet, man? 1.00
01:52:16.000 Yeah, there's some shameless hippies. 1.00
01:52:18.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:52:18.000 No, I didn't. 0.97
01:52:19.000 You can't do that.
01:52:20.000 If you can help me, man. 0.99
01:52:22.000 Who knows what the fuck they're doing. 1.00
01:52:25.000 Downloading some fucking terrorist handbook that gets on your IP. When the fucking police come and break down your door and you're going to prove that this asshole was the one that was downloading this shit. 1.00
01:52:35.000 Absolutely. 1.00
01:52:36.000 What's scary is that you have to really worry about that, too.
01:52:38.000 We start to hear her.
01:52:39.000 We're hearing her. 1.00
01:52:41.000 God damn it. 0.99
01:52:42.000 Just in general. 1.00
01:52:43.000 First, it's the smelling her fucking dirty food. 1.00
01:52:45.000 You smell her shitty food and you're like, what is she fucking... 1.00
01:52:49.000 I don't know, onion-y something in the morning. 1.00
01:52:51.000 And I don't even like to eat in the morning.
01:52:53.000 Popcorn. 1.00
01:52:53.000 Yeah, I smell like beefy, onion-y shit. 1.00
01:52:57.000 It smells great. 1.00
01:52:57.000 That sounds inspirational. 1.00
01:53:01.000 Yeah.
01:53:01.000 And then the capper is in the middle of the night, like at two in the morning.
01:53:06.000 Later.
01:53:07.000 Yeah, later.
01:53:07.000 Yeah.
01:53:08.000 You hear...
01:53:09.000 Just in groups of threes.
01:53:12.000 Yeah.
01:53:14.000 When she's getting nailed? 0.98
01:53:15.000 Yes.
01:53:15.000 Nice.
01:53:16.000 It's not even like a late night fucking. 1.00
01:53:18.000 It's like a four in the morning fucking. 1.00
01:53:20.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:53:21.000 Getting railed.
01:53:21.000 Sounds like she knows a guy like me.
01:53:24.000 Yeah.
01:53:27.000 Have you been addicted to listening to it?
01:53:28.000 Are you a four in the morning guy?
01:53:30.000 No. 0.99
01:53:30.000 Tom's being silly. 0.99
01:53:32.000 When I was 20, I was. 0.91
01:53:34.000 Whenever you can get in.
01:53:35.000 It's four in the morning.
01:53:37.000 She answers her phone. 0.99
01:53:38.000 Has Christina been gone once and you started hearing her have sex and you started masturbating with your ear to the wall? 0.99
01:53:43.000 No. 0.99
01:53:44.000 Have you ever done it before?
01:53:45.000 I've done that in hotels.
01:53:47.000 But when you're home and you have that much resentment built up, I don't think of it as exciting. 1.00
01:53:54.000 You know this dumb bitch. 1.00
01:53:55.000 I'm like, you can stop fucking filming. 1.00
01:53:56.000 Too bad you don't have a sample of that. 0.99
01:54:05.000 We've been dying, yeah.
01:54:06.000 We try to give it back to you. 0.99
01:54:08.000 Have you ever dated a girl that was so loud you wanted her to shut the fuck up? 1.00
01:54:10.000 You're like, you're distracting the shit out of me. 0.97
01:54:13.000 You ever had that?
01:54:13.000 Yeah.
01:54:14.000 I've had it loud, but I don't think about, like, so distracting.
01:54:17.000 I love hearing this stuff.
01:54:19.000 You do you?
01:54:20.000 Well, yeah, because I never asked him that question, so...
01:54:22.000 Yeah, well...
01:54:23.000 I want to hear.
01:54:23.000 There was many, many years in the past.
01:54:27.000 I was probably in my early 20s.
01:54:29.000 There was this girl that I dated for a very short period of time who would, you know, she would come to visit me, like, if I was on the road doing stand-up. 0.98
01:54:38.000 And, you know, and back then it was, like, always the shittiest, cheapest motels, the fucking nastiest beds. 0.95
01:54:44.000 Think about some of the places that you stayed when you were working the road. 0.98
01:54:47.000 Even how we're alive...
01:54:49.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
01:54:50.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00
01:54:53.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00
01:54:54.000 It would... 1.00
01:54:56.000 It would be so ridiculous and so over the top. 0.97
01:54:59.000 People would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 0.92
01:55:02.000 And it was always.
01:55:04.000 She was ready to ramp it up the moment you stuck it in.
01:55:08.000 The moment you stuck it in.
01:55:09.000 So she didn't even build to it. 0.80
01:55:11.000 It was like the overkill.
01:55:13.000 She was Latin. 1.00
01:55:14.000 Crazy Latin, bitch. 1.00
01:55:14.000 There you go. 1.00
01:55:15.000 Crazy Latin, bitch. 1.00
01:55:16.000 She would go off like a bottle rocket. 1.00
01:55:20.000 The moment you stick it in, she just started screaming, oh, fuck yeah! 1.00
01:55:24.000 It was like, hey, hey, hey! 1.00
01:55:26.000 So theatrical, yeah.
01:55:28.000 Did you believe it?
01:55:30.000 Did you think it was that? 0.99
01:55:31.000 I was fucking 22 years old or whatever the hell I was. 0.99
01:55:33.000 Yeah, you definitely might be. 0.99
01:55:35.000 22. She was the worst one in all of my history. 1.00
01:55:38.000 I was like, please, you gotta stop. 0.63
01:55:40.000 I was trying to be polite.
01:55:41.000 There's other people that are staying here.
01:55:42.000 This is late at night.
01:55:44.000 This is a small hotel.
01:55:45.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:55:47.000 Well, what's fascinating is that I read recently that one of the things they say about a woman who's moaning and screaming really loudly during sex is that it's not exactly just pleasure, and that actually what she's doing is she's alerting other men that may be better suitors to come in and fuck her. 0.99
01:56:07.000 Wow, that's interesting. 0.99
01:56:10.000 I like to stay quiet like a cadaver.
01:56:13.000 It's a little whimpering that no one's going to hear outside this house.
01:56:19.000 Yeah.
01:56:20.000 I'm sorry, Mommy.
01:56:21.000 So that's an interesting little...
01:56:22.000 That's really interesting.
01:56:23.000 That is interesting.
01:56:24.000 A little possibility.
01:56:26.000 Makes you really think about the screamers now.
01:56:28.000 Yeah.
01:56:29.000 Well, it makes sense, you know.
01:56:30.000 I mean, it totally makes sense.
01:56:32.000 I guess if you're more secure in the relationship as well, you also have calmed down.
01:56:38.000 You probably, the sex isn't quite as crazy because you're doing it all the time.
01:56:42.000 You're used to each other.
01:56:43.000 You can still have good sex for a long period of time, but you've got to have some marijuana or some wine.
01:56:46.000 Yeah.
01:56:47.000 Or distance.
01:56:48.000 It helps to be apart for like a week.
01:56:50.000 And then you're like, hey, remember me?
01:56:52.000 Yeah, that's great.
01:56:53.000 I love that.
01:56:55.000 Like hang out with some Puerto Ricans for a week.
01:56:57.000 Oh, I love those Puerto Ricans. 1.00
01:56:58.000 Fort Lauderdale.
01:56:59.000 A lot of Puerto Rican guys.
01:57:00.000 A lot of gold chains. 0.98
01:57:01.000 Crazy screaming like that. 1.00
01:57:03.000 I, I, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 1.00
01:57:05.000 Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1.00
01:57:09.000 That's her. 0.88
01:57:09.000 You never know if it's real. 0.88
01:57:13.000 And they're taking a big chance at going that hard.
01:57:16.000 It's theatrical.
01:57:17.000 It's a little much.
01:57:18.000 It's a little over the top.
01:57:20.000 It's a little...
01:57:22.000 What about that kind of stuff, like the filthy talk?
01:57:25.000 Like, does that put you off? 0.99
01:57:26.000 Have you ever had someone say shit that was too crazy? 1.00
01:57:28.000 Yeah, well, a girl told me, fuck her cunt. 1.00
01:57:30.000 And I was like, really? 1.00
01:57:32.000 Is it a cunt? 1.00
01:57:33.000 She's like, well, what is it? 1.00
01:57:34.000 It's that slit, that gash. 1.00
01:57:36.000 This girl was cunt. 1.00
01:57:37.000 Stab that gash. 1.00
01:57:37.000 She was completely crazy, though. 1.00
01:57:39.000 This is where it's good to have good friends, because she came to a comedy club to see me, and also my friends came, and my friends were with, you know, like, I brought her over to them, and she gave my friend her number.
01:57:50.000 Oh! 0.60
01:57:51.000 And then she goes to the bathroom. 0.99
01:57:52.000 My friend calls me. 1.00
01:57:53.000 Oh man, that girl just gave me her fucking phone number. 1.00
01:57:56.000 I'm like, wow, you crazy hooker. 1.00
01:57:58.000 She was so crazy. 1.00
01:57:59.000 She was willing to take one of my friends and just give him and hope that she could sneak her way in and just start banging everybody that I know. 1.00
01:58:06.000 Like on the sneak tip. 0.99
01:58:09.000 There's some dirty girls out there. 1.00
01:58:11.000 There's some dirty girls. 1.00
01:58:13.000 One dick at a time. 1.00
01:58:14.000 That's all I can do. 0.99
01:58:15.000 Well, I shouldn't have known. 0.99
01:58:16.000 I mean, this girl, I fucked her the first time I met her. 1.00
01:58:18.000 She was completely insane. 1.00
01:58:20.000 What, the girl?
01:58:21.000 Yeah, this girl was incredible. 1.00
01:58:22.000 She was insane. 0.85
01:58:23.000 I was 21, and she was completely crazy. 1.00
01:58:27.000 But I didn't realize how crazy she was until she gave the phone number to my friend.
01:58:30.000 And then I realized she would just do that to anybody. 1.00
01:58:32.000 She could, you know, you could just, all you have to do is start for that or no?
01:58:36.000 Oh, God, no, that was the end.
01:58:37.000 Yeah, I got to get rid of her. 0.98
01:58:38.000 Yeah.
01:58:39.000 She was too creepy.
01:58:41.000 It's not just doing that.
01:58:42.000 It's like the idea that they're sneaking around behind your back.
01:58:45.000 Yeah, man.
01:58:46.000 That's a weird sign.
01:58:47.000 That's why it's good to have good friends. 1.00
01:58:49.000 Because my friend came out to me right away and said, yo, dude, that fucking bitch, when you're in the bathroom, that bitch gave me your number. 1.00
01:58:54.000 And he shows it to me and he hands it to me. 1.00
01:58:56.000 I'm like, wow.
01:58:57.000 Wow.
01:58:58.000 Like he wouldn't tell you though, right?
01:58:59.000 Some guys wouldn't.
01:59:00.000 There's guys who wouldn't.
01:59:01.000 Yeah, I had a friend, we had a real problem with him because he was always banging all of our friends' ex-girlfriends.
01:59:07.000 He would immediately, this was back in Boston, it was immediately, as soon as he would break up, he would fucking immediately be just magically, hey, I was by her work the other day, she seems like she's taking the breakup well.
01:59:15.000 Like a hyena, right?
01:59:16.000 What do you mean she seems like she's taking the breakup well? 1.00
01:59:18.000 What the fuck are you talking to her for? 0.99
01:59:19.000 Hey man, you know, it's an open game, man. 1.00
01:59:21.000 She's on the market now.
01:59:23.000 Like what?
01:59:23.000 Like you're moving in and you're my friend?
01:59:26.000 Moving in on the kill. 1.00
01:59:27.000 Shit happens This was a bad one, though. 1.00
01:59:29.000 This was my friend Jimmy and Kevin. 0.99
01:59:31.000 I don't want to say last names, so the fucking names have been changed to save the innocent. 0.97
01:59:35.000 They stopped being buddies because of that. 0.99
01:59:36.000 Of course.
01:59:37.000 You can't keep being buddies after that.
01:59:38.000 That's not cool.
01:59:39.000 You can't trust that dude.
01:59:40.000 That's creepy.
01:59:41.000 Can't trust it.
01:59:45.000 So, where are you guys at next?
01:59:47.000 What's next?
01:59:48.000 I go to Chicago the 19th through 22nd.
01:59:51.000 That's tomorrow.
01:59:52.000 Schaumburg.
01:59:53.000 Oh, you're doing that improv?
01:59:54.000 That's a great improv.
01:59:55.000 I celebrated my 40th birthday there.
01:59:57.000 Oh.
01:59:57.000 That's a great place.
01:59:58.000 I'm looking forward to it.
01:59:59.000 Yeah, it's a good club.
02:00:00.000 There's not really that much in Chicago.
02:00:02.000 It's hard to find, you know, there's the Zanies in Chicago. 0.78
02:00:05.000 Yeah.
02:00:06.000 And then there's the Zanies in Vernon Hills, right?
02:00:08.000 Isn't there one else?
02:00:09.000 I don't have done those yet.
02:00:10.000 I heard a new one just opened.
02:00:11.000 Oh, yeah?
02:00:12.000 Up.
02:00:13.000 Chicago used to have a great comedy scene.
02:00:16.000 Yeah, that's Second City, right?
02:00:18.000 Home base for Second City.
02:00:19.000 Yeah, it's a good comedy town.
02:00:21.000 Yeah, there was a few guys.
02:00:23.000 Wasn't there one of the guys from the Rodney Dangerfield special?
02:00:27.000 He got on one of the Rodney specials, and he was a Chicago guy.
02:00:32.000 Really?
02:00:33.000 I don't know.
02:00:33.000 Yeah, I'm trying to remember.
02:00:34.000 No, he would say something and say, that's a tip from your Uncle Earl.
02:00:40.000 Oh, really?
02:00:41.000 Like a little catchphrase?
02:00:42.000 I like that catchphrase. 1.00
02:00:43.000 Forget his fucking name though. 1.00
02:00:45.000 God damn it. 1.00
02:00:45.000 I'm sure someone on Twitter will alert me to this. 1.00
02:00:48.000 Yeah.
02:00:48.000 Like they always do.
02:00:49.000 Twitter's the best for that.
02:00:50.000 It is.
02:00:51.000 They told me that Matthew Conaghy was in that dragon movie.
02:00:53.000 I was right.
02:00:54.000 Even though I couldn't imagine him being in that dragon movie.
02:00:56.000 But I remember he was like a badass. 0.99
02:00:58.000 He had fucking tribal tattoos and shit. 1.00
02:00:59.000 He was a dragon jacker. 1.00
02:01:02.000 Yeah.
02:01:04.000 I'm going to Vancouver this week.
02:01:06.000 Matthew McConaughey.
02:01:06.000 Ooh, back to the mix.
02:01:08.000 Oh, that place is awesome.
02:01:09.000 So this Thursday through Saturday.
02:01:11.000 Who are you working with?
02:01:12.000 Local guys up there?
02:01:13.000 Yep.
02:01:13.000 How often do you guys work on your own?
02:01:15.000 Together, rather.
02:01:16.000 Together?
02:01:16.000 Seldom.
02:01:17.000 Seldom?
02:01:18.000 It seems like you should be able to put something together because of your podcast.
02:01:20.000 Well, we just did Ontario last month.
02:01:24.000 That was great.
02:01:25.000 Yeah, that was fun.
02:01:25.000 We did the improv out there for a weekend.
02:01:27.000 Fantastic.
02:01:28.000 So yeah, we'll probably do some more.
02:01:30.000 Actually, we're doing the podcast live for the first time.
02:01:34.000 At a club?
02:01:35.000 At the John Lovitz Club.
02:01:36.000 Oh, okay.
02:01:37.000 May 23rd.
02:01:38.000 Yeah, I've done a couple live.
02:01:40.000 It's a weird dynamic.
02:01:41.000 You feel like you have to get to the jokes real quick.
02:01:43.000 Yeah, I bet.
02:01:44.000 Especially just like a large audience. 0.99
02:01:45.000 Like if we were doing this in front of a large audience, that would be boring as fuck. 0.99
02:01:49.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:01:49.000 That would be weird, right? 0.98
02:01:51.000 This is good when it's in your ear when you're at the gym or it's good when you're on the road.
02:01:54.000 But I don't know if this is like live audience fodder.
02:01:57.000 I would feel like I'd have to do stand-up.
02:01:58.000 Yeah.
02:01:59.000 I don't know.
02:01:59.000 I mean, it's the first time, so hopefully we get a good turnout.
02:02:03.000 We'll stick to, I think, a limited time.
02:02:05.000 Right, right, right.
02:02:07.000 Yeah, I wasn't a fan of the live one.
02:02:09.000 It just seemed like we were almost trying to put on a half-fake conversation just to be more entertaining of people looking at us.
02:02:16.000 Yeah, I agree.
02:02:16.000 Yeah, well, we did it with Jimmy Norton, which was fun, because Jimmy just fell right into it perfectly and was killing.
02:02:22.000 He was really funny, and on purpose funny, and really going for the joke.
02:02:27.000 But yeah, it became almost like stand-up.
02:02:29.000 It gets weird.
02:02:30.000 It does get weird for you, man.
02:02:31.000 Yeah, the audience.
02:02:32.000 It's not this weird, sort of intimate conversation.
02:02:35.000 This is different, yeah.
02:02:36.000 It's a totally different thing.
02:02:36.000 Do you guys have a lot of people that listen to your podcast that are coming to your shows?
02:02:41.000 It's starting.
02:02:42.000 It's growing.
02:02:42.000 It's coming.
02:02:43.000 I love it.
02:02:44.000 We talk about how much we like it.
02:02:45.000 God, I love it.
02:02:45.000 It's so awesome.
02:02:46.000 Yes.
02:02:46.000 Because sometimes, obviously, they have no idea who you are.
02:02:50.000 Sometimes they've seen you do stand-up on TV, like, oh, I saw your special, or I saw you on Conan, or whatever, saw something, and then But then it was something different about, they say I'm a mommy to us.
02:03:03.000 I love the podcast.
02:03:05.000 Oh, that's funny.
02:03:05.000 And then you just feel like, oh, this person actually knows me.
02:03:08.000 Yeah, it's such a relief.
02:03:10.000 That's super cool.
02:03:11.000 It's like, oh, they're on board. 1.00
02:03:12.000 I can talk about dolphin fucking. 1.00
02:03:14.000 And they're like, yeah, let's talk about dolphin fucking. 1.00
02:03:17.000 Yeah, it's way more fun. 0.99
02:03:18.000 I like that.
02:03:18.000 Yeah.
02:03:20.000 It helps.
02:03:20.000 It's way cooler.
02:03:21.000 And I'm doing, oh, I just added Peoria for next week.
02:03:25.000 So if anybody's in Peoria, Illinois, I'm doing the chip box.
02:03:28.000 We need to create a website, Brian, eventually.
02:03:32.000 What we need to do is incorporate all of us and all of our podcasts into one website where there's like tiles.
02:03:39.000 You know what I mean?
02:03:40.000 Like everybody that we're sort of affiliated with, like Duncan and Joey and you guys and our...
02:03:46.000 There really should be one...
02:03:47.000 Just make it on your links on your website.
02:03:49.000 That's Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if there was one portal?
02:03:54.000 iTunes?
02:03:56.000 No, no, no.
02:03:56.000 Just the ones that we're all friends with.
02:03:58.000 People could click and listen, or they could see where you're at.
02:04:01.000 That would be the best way to really get a gang of people to come to all of our podcasts, is to have a portal.
02:04:10.000 Ari's podcast, Duncan's podcast, and each one has a little square.
02:04:14.000 I think once you know it already.
02:04:18.000 It takes a while.
02:04:19.000 Just subscribe, and then you don't even think about it.
02:04:22.000 Well, no, not necessarily, because we don't really talk about Duncan's podcast that much, nor do we talk about Ari's.
02:04:27.000 You can miss several podcasts in a row where we didn't talk about it.
02:04:31.000 You wouldn't even know it existed.
02:04:32.000 But if it was all clearly laid out and we had a website where there was tiles...
02:04:37.000 And that way, that would be a real way of everybody promoting everybody with no intention other than keeping...
02:04:45.000 You know what I mean?
02:04:46.000 There's no financial intentions at all.
02:04:47.000 It's all just about keeping this one group connected and helping people.
02:04:52.000 It's a good idea, right?
02:04:53.000 Awesome.
02:04:53.000 You should totally do that.
02:04:54.000 Especially for audiences.
02:04:55.000 If you like Ari, you probably will like us.
02:04:58.000 Yeah.
02:04:59.000 And it'll pump everybody up.
02:05:01.000 That's what we need to do next.
02:05:03.000 That's the next step.
02:05:04.000 That's the next level.
02:05:05.000 We need to have a podcast community of all podcasts that we appreciate and like together.
02:05:10.000 The idea of a channel like Death Squad, that's one way to do it too.
02:05:15.000 But also the way to do it is to just make sure that everybody is connected to like-minded folks or other cool people, other ones that you might think are interesting.
02:05:24.000 And then, you know...
02:05:26.000 Have it all like a one-stop shop where they know if they go to this, this is all the people that are cool with each other.
02:05:32.000 This is like a whole group of people that are all friends with each other.
02:05:34.000 They all like each other.
02:05:35.000 Yeah.
02:05:36.000 Well, you're getting your website redesigned.
02:05:38.000 Just make it a link page on that.
02:05:39.000 Yeah, I think I'm going to do something along those lines.
02:05:41.000 I'm also going to make a website specifically designed for the podcast.
02:05:45.000 So there'll be two websites.
02:05:46.000 It'll be like my regular website and then there'll be a podcast specifically designed podcast network.
02:05:51.000 Or a website, rather.
02:05:52.000 And that's where I think we need to come up with some sort of a link to a network.
02:05:56.000 And maybe we all put a link on our site, and then that link will go to one website.
02:06:00.000 Why are you doing so many websites, though?
02:06:03.000 Why are you breaking it up, I ask?
02:06:04.000 Well, it's not really broken up.
02:06:06.000 It'll be a section on my website, but if you go to it, it'll go to one that, like, when you go to that section, it'll be laid out like a whole site just for the podcast.
02:06:15.000 Each one will have a description of each podcast and who was the guest and how long it was and when it took place.
02:06:21.000 Do you know what percentage, is there even, like, it's got to be a small percentage of your fans that come to shows that don't listen to the podcast?
02:06:28.000 It's almost non-existent.
02:06:30.000 Really?
02:06:30.000 Yeah, I know.
02:06:31.000 That's crazy.
02:06:32.000 Dude, we were in Chicago. 1.00
02:06:33.000 Chicago was this giant fucking theater sold out. 0.98
02:06:36.000 And I go, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? 1.00
02:06:37.000 They went fucking apeshit. 1.00
02:06:39.000 They went apeshit. 1.00
02:06:40.000 It was crazy. 0.97
02:06:41.000 It was beautiful.
02:06:42.000 They're the coolest crowds I've ever had in my entire time of doing stand-up.
02:06:47.000 It's never been cool right now.
02:06:48.000 Yeah, it was cool, man.
02:06:49.000 Even if one person's crazy, we just get rid of them real quick and it becomes entertaining.
02:06:54.000 This crowd's been amazing.
02:06:55.000 It started, I think, when I... When I did Ann Arbor with you a few years ago, that was before we had a podcast, and I'd done yours a few times, and you were asking me, like, how many of you guys listen to the podcast?
02:07:08.000 And in my mind, it was going to be like three tables.
02:07:11.000 That's what I thought.
02:07:12.000 I'd be like, oh, these are all fans, but they don't listen to the podcast.
02:07:16.000 I thought I'd be like, oh, that's that fringe element, like, listen to it. 1.00
02:07:19.000 And that fucking club went bananas. 0.99
02:07:22.000 Not only that, then you asked, like, who here knows Joey Diaz? 1.00
02:07:26.000 Yeah.
02:07:27.000 Dude, people in Florida were calling out for me to tell Joey Diaz stories.
02:07:31.000 So crazy.
02:07:32.000 He's so fun.
02:07:33.000 He's so lovable.
02:07:34.000 He's so rad.
02:07:35.000 He's such a lovable human cartoon type dude.
02:07:38.000 You're just so lucky to have in your life, you know?
02:07:40.000 Such a fun guy to be around.
02:07:42.000 We're having him on next week.
02:07:43.000 Oh, that's awesome, man.
02:07:45.000 Yeah.
02:07:45.000 Yeah, you're right.
02:07:46.000 That was when the podcast first started to kick in.
02:07:49.000 That was somewhere around two years ago, right?
02:07:52.000 Right, yeah.
02:07:52.000 It was right after we had started it.
02:07:53.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:07:54.000 But I just bonked myself in the face with the fucking mic. 1.00
02:07:57.000 I do it every day. 1.00
02:07:59.000 It's so stupid looking. 0.99
02:08:00.000 But that was definitely the beginning, but now it's a complete transformation. 1.00
02:08:06.000 It's crazy.
02:08:07.000 When I did your Vogue Theater with you in Vancouver?
02:08:11.000 Yeah.
02:08:12.000 The guy was like, there's more tickets that we sold for this than even any music event show ever.
02:08:19.000 They packed that place.
02:08:20.000 That was nuts.
02:08:21.000 It was really fun.
02:08:22.000 It was really fun.
02:08:24.000 Yeah.
02:08:24.000 It's definitely different now.
02:08:26.000 The shows, they're way different. 0.98
02:08:28.000 But it's also, I feel like, more of a responsibility to really produce good shit, too. 0.94
02:08:33.000 I really feel like these aren't just people that are coming to see the show. 0.98
02:08:37.000 I like them.
02:08:38.000 They like what we're doing.
02:08:40.000 It's a different sort of a connection. 0.99
02:08:42.000 So I feel hugely responsible to write good shit and produce good shit. 0.97
02:08:46.000 That's why I'm excited to have this special come out now. 0.98
02:08:48.000 As opposed to maybe a year ago when I could have put it out, but when you have a bit, man, it's like a samurai sword.
02:08:54.000 You fucking bend that blade and hammer it down and sharpen it up, and as time goes on, you'll edit some lines out and add some to it, and then somewhere along the line it reaches its perfect form.
02:09:06.000 I think you can use that sword to cut heads off after a couple of weeks, but it might not be the same sword, the delicate instrument of destruction that you'll have after two years when it's your closing bit. 0.99
02:09:18.000 Yeah. 0.95
02:09:20.000 Absolutely.
02:09:21.000 Is there a better feeling than coming up with a new bit and having a crush?
02:09:23.000 No.
02:09:24.000 I wonder.
02:09:24.000 I wonder, because I have this new bit, and it's like my little toy.
02:09:28.000 I can't wait to use it.
02:09:29.000 Yeah, it's exciting.
02:09:30.000 And then I use it, and then I'm like, okay, now let's play with our old toys.
02:09:34.000 Yeah.
02:09:35.000 New toys.
02:09:36.000 New toys are a monster right now.
02:09:37.000 Woo! 1.00
02:09:38.000 I love the fact that, too, as you get older and more experienced and more education and more information in your head and better as a comedian, that every time you come up with new shit, it's like better new shit. 0.98
02:09:49.000 It's scary to abandon everything, but once you do, then you come up with a whole... 0.97
02:09:54.000 Ari had a real good point.
02:09:55.000 Like he was saying that if you worked on a bit and you decided to work on that bit for five or ten years, that all that energy you could have used on that bit, you could have abandoned it two years ago and then worked on a new bit for another two years.
02:10:11.000 And then you completely abandoned it and started all new.
02:10:14.000 And all that creativity would have gone into something completely new and different.
02:10:17.000 It's true.
02:10:18.000 It's totally true, right?
02:10:19.000 Yeah.
02:10:19.000 So there's like a line that you have to cross.
02:10:21.000 Like when is it?
02:10:22.000 Is it a year for a new act?
02:10:24.000 Is it two years?
02:10:25.000 I think a year, if you start always turning over stuff after a year, you actually lose something.
02:10:33.000 I think a year, you have to be...
02:10:35.000 If you're talking about just abandoning everything and doing stuff every 12 months, I mean, just from experience of watching stand-up, I feel like it gets better in that 16 to 24-month frame where you can do it like it gets super tight, you know?
02:10:51.000 Yeah, well, I've definitely, we've all gone through that experience of recording something and then the next week you have like a new tagline.
02:10:57.000 Oh, it kills me.
02:10:58.000 Oh, it's over.
02:11:00.000 Mitch Hedberg actually redid a bit on the second album because he didn't have the tagline and said it on the album that he was doing that.
02:11:07.000 That's really cool.
02:11:07.000 Here's the new part.
02:11:10.000 Yeah.
02:11:11.000 Yeah, because that's tempting.
02:11:12.000 When you've actually recorded the bit, then maybe you should throw it out, because you've recorded it.
02:11:17.000 Why hold on to something that you can't use again?
02:11:20.000 I talked to Gaffigan about this, and he and I are sort of in agreement about this. 0.97
02:11:24.000 Like, yeah, you've got to have all new shit, but you also have to do well. 0.98
02:11:27.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:11:28.000 You can't have a bad show. 1.00
02:11:29.000 And if you're tanking it with all your new stuff, it might be time to bust out some shit that really works and just pull this bitch out of the fire. 1.00
02:11:35.000 Sure. 1.00
02:11:35.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
02:11:36.000 You have to find when is that time.
02:11:38.000 Some guys are like, I think Louis C.K. pretty much just guts it out.
02:11:41.000 And when he does new stuff, he just does only new stuff.
02:11:44.000 Yeah.
02:11:44.000 Chris Rock used to do that, too.
02:11:46.000 Remember, he used to come in the store and he would just do only new stuff and not be concerned whatsoever about it not going well.
02:11:52.000 He's trying to make it go well.
02:11:53.000 But if it doesn't, he's sticking to it. 1.00
02:11:55.000 He's not going to pull out some old shit out of his bag. 1.00
02:11:57.000 Wow. 1.00
02:11:58.000 Yeah, but that's the way you build.
02:12:00.000 Yeah, that's one way, and that's certainly a way.
02:12:02.000 Some guys like to sandwich it in between other bits, you know, and then slowly develop, like, them as new chunks instead of, like...
02:12:08.000 I kind of feel like you get...
02:12:09.000 I get, like, a kind of energy out of opening with new stuff.
02:12:14.000 I like to do it, too.
02:12:15.000 It's risky.
02:12:16.000 It's scary.
02:12:16.000 It is a risk, but then, like, there's a bigger...
02:12:18.000 Christina, you're a risk teacher.
02:12:19.000 Yeah, I'm a daredevil man.
02:12:21.000 Yeah, thrill seeker.
02:12:23.000 It's exciting.
02:12:24.000 You have to be a comedian, right?
02:12:26.000 Oh, yeah.
02:12:27.000 Don't you?
02:12:28.000 Oh, you have to be completely willing to not have comfort financially, emotionally, sometimes physically.
02:12:37.000 But if it works out...
02:12:38.000 It's awesome!
02:12:39.000 If it works out, you've got such a much better way of life than doing something you don't want to do.
02:12:43.000 Absolutely.
02:12:44.000 That's the big curse of this society. 0.99
02:12:45.000 The big curse of this society is that it's so fucking complicated that a great many of us have to do some shit that sucks in order to keep this society rolling. 1.00
02:12:54.000 So that's why there's all these jobs that suck. 1.00
02:12:56.000 And people have to do those fucking jobs. 1.00
02:12:58.000 There's just no way around it. 0.99
02:12:59.000 They have to get done.
02:13:00.000 And so someone's doing it, and then the society is set up, and it's really hard to get ahead. 0.98
02:13:04.000 You're just scrounging and scratching, trying to take these jobs that suck, and then by the end of the week, you're goddamn exhausted. 0.84
02:13:10.000 That's how most people are living their life. 0.96
02:13:12.000 It's amazing.
02:13:13.000 It's really amazing when you stop and think about it.
02:13:15.000 I wonder how long society can really sustain itself once people get hip to that.
02:13:20.000 Because once people get hip to that, what are we going to do?
02:13:22.000 Are we going to invent robots?
02:13:23.000 Do all the jobs that suck?
02:13:24.000 Those jobs have to get done, right? 0.92
02:13:26.000 Unless we completely restructure the whole foundations of our society, those crappy jobs are going to have to be there.
02:13:32.000 I don't think there's ever going to have to worry about that because too many people just revel in their misery. 0.54
02:13:38.000 Or do they know they're miserable?
02:13:40.000 Are they cognizant? 1.00
02:13:41.000 Shit programming is a lot of it. 1.00
02:13:43.000 The human mind adapts incredibly well to its environment and adapts to incest and violence and all those things and treats them as the norm. 0.99
02:13:52.000 And that's what happens in every bad neighborhood all across the world.
02:13:56.000 The level of happiness is not often dictated by what their environment is like.
02:14:01.000 Sometimes it's just they can get used to anything.
02:14:04.000 People can get used to it.
02:14:05.000 Yeah, but there's people who also know they're miserable.
02:14:08.000 What they don't know is that they could make choices to get out of that misery.
02:14:12.000 They don't act on it. 0.98
02:14:14.000 Well, the real issue, obviously, is kids that are in those environments, that they don't have a choice and didn't fuck up to get there. 0.99
02:14:21.000 But to be in a shit situation, it's never good for the mind. 0.99
02:14:26.000 It's never good for your relaxation, your ability to sit back and assess things. 0.99
02:14:31.000 I gotta tell you, even when we lived in that terrible neighborhood for two years, it took an emotional toll on me.
02:14:38.000 I was like, God, imagine if I grew up in this neighborhood.
02:14:41.000 Oof.
02:14:41.000 And this is all I saw, and I never knew that there was a neighborhood just three miles away that I was going to move to that would change my outlook on everything.
02:14:49.000 But it motivated us to work so much harder and get the fuck out of that place.
02:14:54.000 That's really cool, though, that it did that.
02:14:56.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
02:14:57.000 You can just fall into the misery of it.
02:14:59.000 One of the things that I liked most about living in Colorado was that there was very few people up there, so I didn't feel like I was being inundated by other people's personalities.
02:15:07.000 Sure.
02:15:08.000 And when you're in a bad neighborhood, you're inundated by... 0.99
02:15:11.000 It seems like hippie bullshit, but I believe that if you're in a neighborhood where a lot of crime is going on, a lot of negative shit is going on, you can feel it in the air. 0.99
02:15:18.000 Absolutely. 1.00
02:15:19.000 You almost can feel it in the air. 0.98
02:15:20.000 I would love to see studies on plants that grow up around violent areas, if they're all fucked up and shaky. 0.97
02:15:27.000 I wonder... 0.98
02:15:29.000 Nervous wreck plants.
02:15:30.000 Plants just always gunshots around here.
02:15:33.000 But it's true.
02:15:33.000 You're a product of your environment.
02:15:35.000 Like, I was remembering last night, in second grade, I hung out with this girl, Megan, and she was a straight A student, our third grades, right?
02:15:41.000 And my grades went up for the first time in my life.
02:15:44.000 Like, I was getting straight A's because I was hanging out with this nerdy girl who was really into studies. 0.87
02:15:50.000 And then the minute we, you know, stopped being friends, I went back to being my normal slacker C student.
02:15:55.000 Wow, that's amazing.
02:15:57.000 But there is something to that. 1.00
02:15:58.000 Fuck yeah, it is. 0.99
02:15:59.000 And hanging out with comics, too, that are funnier than you. 1.00
02:16:02.000 And prolific.
02:16:03.000 You want them to be.
02:16:04.000 There's certain guys like Bill Burr, he's always real prolific. 0.93
02:16:07.000 Whenever I see him do a bunch of new shit, I get excited, I want to go write. 0.51
02:16:10.000 Chappelle, when I'm seeing him do sets, it's pretty rare to catch him these days. 0.97
02:16:14.000 But yeah, I always get excited, want to go home and write.
02:16:16.000 Yeah.
02:16:17.000 Yeah, we feed off each other for sure.
02:16:19.000 No doubt about it.
02:16:20.000 That's one of the beautiful things about LA. Think about how many good comics are here.
02:16:23.000 Oh, yeah.
02:16:24.000 I like this whole podcast network idea that I had.
02:16:26.000 You can't do that in any other place.
02:16:28.000 We have that many cool people.
02:16:30.000 Joey, Ari, Duncan, you guys.
02:16:32.000 Everyone is connected.
02:16:33.000 Red Band.
02:16:34.000 Everyone's connected.
02:16:35.000 You know, Britt Fitzsimmons.
02:16:37.000 If you put up how many great podcasts emanate from this one area, it's pretty much incredible.
02:16:43.000 It's a lot.
02:16:43.000 Yeah.
02:16:44.000 I mean, there's not a lot of spots in the country where you could start a whole network of podcasts that are as established as the ones that we have here in LA. It's incredible how that has taken over as such a dominating force in entertainment, and it's going to keep growing.
02:16:59.000 Well, it's free.
02:17:00.000 Right.
02:17:00.000 And it's really good.
02:17:01.000 But people are choosing that over turning on a television or over watching a movie. 0.98
02:17:07.000 Well, it's really good to get shit done, you know, like if you're cleaning up your office. 0.66
02:17:11.000 I love listening to podcasts when I'm cleaning up my office or something. 0.93
02:17:13.000 Obviously, I do a lot of cleaning.
02:17:15.000 You should see our place. 0.99
02:17:17.000 I have too much shit in here. 0.99
02:17:19.000 I need to get rid of some of it. 1.00
02:17:20.000 This isn't even bad.
02:17:21.000 But the idea that it's in a lot of people's ears when they're at the gym and they're pushing themselves through their workouts and stuff.
02:17:28.000 I think that's one of the coolest aspects about this form of entertainment. 0.93
02:17:32.000 It's the form of entertainment that makes doing other shit more interesting. 0.84
02:17:36.000 You do it while you're on long drives. 0.98
02:17:37.000 You do it while you're on a commute.
02:17:39.000 It is the best.
02:17:40.000 Airplanes.
02:17:40.000 Yeah, airplanes.
02:17:41.000 All the time.
02:17:42.000 And if you get three or four good ones, man, the whole flight to Australia is done.
02:17:46.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:17:47.000 You just plug those bitches on, kick back, have a glass of wine, and join in, man. 1.00
02:17:52.000 Maybe if you've timed it correctly, you take an edible when you're at the airport. 0.99
02:17:55.000 Right as you pull up, you don't want anything on you, folks.
02:17:58.000 Don't fly dirty.
02:17:59.000 Don't fly dirty.
02:17:59.000 Don't be scared of flying with an edible.
02:18:01.000 It's a life-changing goddamn experience. 0.93
02:18:03.000 And you know what's great about podcasting, too, is that I feel like it harkens back to the time of radio, when people had to just sit and listen, and listen to long stories. 0.96
02:18:13.000 And that doesn't exist on television anymore.
02:18:16.000 Everything's cut so fast, and the information's so quick, that now it's like we're going back.
02:18:21.000 And I love that idea, that you can just sit and listen to a three-hour thing.
02:18:25.000 People just talking.
02:18:28.000 Natural.
02:18:28.000 Natural.
02:18:29.000 Yeah.
02:18:30.000 Yeah.
02:18:30.000 Not this hyper-information show.
02:18:32.000 Seven-minute set on the Tonight Show where you're sitting down on the couch talking about your...
02:18:37.000 Or television shows. 0.88
02:18:38.000 Zoo Fucking half second edits Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom Yeah, and then they tell you, coming up next, you're going to see this scene. 0.95
02:18:45.000 Right. 0.99
02:18:45.000 And then you come back from commercial, you're going to see this scene right now. 0.99
02:18:48.000 And then they show you the scene.
02:18:49.000 And they're like, yeah, man, I get it. 0.99
02:18:50.000 I fucking got it. 0.98
02:18:51.000 Like, I can process information. 0.99
02:18:53.000 Yeah.
02:18:53.000 If we had a producer of this show and they were like, well, this is some of the things we're going to do to take it to the next level, okay?
02:18:59.000 We've got to edit it.
02:19:00.000 We've got to edit it.
02:19:00.000 There's a lot of downtime.
02:19:02.000 There's two minutes where you're twittering.
02:19:03.000 You're twittering on this podcast for two minutes.
02:19:06.000 You know, sorry.
02:19:09.000 That's actually what I love.
02:19:10.000 That's part of the beautiful thing about it.
02:19:11.000 It's like when you hear you talk, you get to really know you.
02:19:14.000 When you hear you talk, you get to really know you.
02:19:16.000 It's not a sound bite.
02:19:17.000 It's a long conversation.
02:19:19.000 I noticed that with a lot of foreign films sometimes, you'll have longer shots.
02:19:25.000 They won't edit.
02:19:25.000 They won't cut.
02:19:26.000 And you're like, yeah, but that's actually a very...
02:19:32.000 They'll let the shot go of him running it, and the coffee pouring, and then him pouring it in, and stirring it, and you're like, but that guy's really making coffee. 0.90
02:19:40.000 So it's not with fucking 15 cuts to make it. 0.60
02:19:45.000 But you're watching real life kind of develop right then. 0.98
02:19:48.000 You sink into it more.
02:19:50.000 But American style of editing TV or film is always, well, don't let a shot last too long.
02:19:57.000 Music video style.
02:19:59.000 Oh, yeah.
02:19:59.000 Yeah, that's the way things are.
02:20:00.000 Do you think that is making people dumb or making people impatient? 0.96
02:20:04.000 Impatient, for sure. 0.96
02:20:05.000 It's making people, I believe.
02:20:07.000 For instance, on Facebook, like, not like.
02:20:10.000 It's all binary.
02:20:11.000 Zero, one.
02:20:12.000 Coke, Pepsi.
02:20:13.000 Yes, no.
02:20:13.000 You know how limiting that is to human thought?
02:20:16.000 I mean, I don't even know people that read books right now.
02:20:20.000 I mean, maybe one in the last month, but it just limits the way we see the world.
02:20:26.000 This generation only grows up knowing, I like this.
02:20:30.000 Epic fail. 1.00
02:20:31.000 That shit makes me bananas. 1.00
02:20:33.000 Fool! 1.00
02:20:34.000 Oh, really? 1.00
02:20:34.000 That was a fail? 1.00
02:20:35.000 Some guy tried something and didn't succeed, and we're all going to shit on that person for doing it. 0.99
02:20:40.000 We encourage people to be like, that sucks. 1.00
02:20:42.000 This fucking sucks. 1.00
02:20:44.000 It's a culture of that sucks. 1.00
02:20:45.000 And then there's YouTube comments where there's no repercussions. 1.00
02:20:49.000 There's no repercussions.
02:20:50.000 You're completely anonymous. 0.99
02:20:52.000 So you're allowed to say things that you would never say with any real person in front of you because it's such a cunt thing to do. 0.99
02:20:59.000 It'd be horrible. 1.00
02:21:00.000 They're assholes. 1.00
02:21:02.000 They're shitty about it. 1.00
02:21:02.000 They're racist. 1.00
02:21:05.000 They're misogynistic. 1.00
02:21:06.000 They're homophobic. 1.00
02:21:08.000 Well, that's normal. 0.99
02:21:11.000 But come say it to my face.
02:21:13.000 It's a weird thing where we've developed a way to communicate with people that there's no interaction.
02:21:20.000 There's no exchange.
02:21:21.000 You're allowed to throw the information out there like a bomb.
02:21:24.000 Like you lob a bomb over a building.
02:21:27.000 Your message board is a perfect example of that. 0.90
02:21:29.000 If I was just talking to you and guys in a room and then some guy came up and was like, you know, you're just annoying. 1.00
02:21:35.000 I think your face sucks. 0.99
02:21:36.000 You would never say that. 1.00
02:21:38.000 Yeah, you would not just come up and win my conversation.
02:21:41.000 And people don't understand when I kick them out of a band and they say, yeah, I can't believe you want censorship.
02:21:45.000 I don't want censorship.
02:21:46.000 This is what it is.
02:21:47.000 This is a house party.
02:21:48.000 My website is an internet house party.
02:21:50.000 And anybody can join. 0.99
02:21:51.000 But when you're a cunt, when you create problems and negative energy, when you don't know how to... 0.99
02:21:55.000 Even if you have a criticism or something, there's a lot of people that have had very valid criticisms. 0.99
02:21:59.000 And those help me.
02:22:00.000 I really think they do.
02:22:01.000 I think valid criticisms on the podcast or stand-up or even my MMA commentary, anything, I think...
02:22:07.000 I don't think anyone's ever perfect.
02:22:08.000 And I think a lot of times, especially when you're doing as much on-the-fly ad-libbing stuff as I'm doing, 99% of my living I make completely ad-libbing.
02:22:17.000 That's what I'm doing.
02:22:18.000 I'm going to make mistakes.
02:22:19.000 I'm going to make mistakes when I'm doing stand-up commentary for the UFC. I'm going to make mistakes when I'm doing stand-up.
02:22:24.000 It's just a part of life.
02:22:25.000 So I appreciate criticism and I understand that when I'm doing something, oftentimes it's completely unplanned out.
02:22:33.000 Like this exact sentence that I'm saying right now, completely unplanned out. 0.99
02:22:36.000 So when people will nitpick and criticize the hidden meaning behind each fucking word or each word you chose or the way you went with the conversation, it's like, God damn, will you just settle the fuck down? 0.99
02:22:47.000 It's like you give people too much of an opportunity to be cunty. 0.99
02:22:51.000 You know the Neil Brennan podcast?
02:22:53.000 Some guy was saying that I was yelling down Neil because I didn't agree with his statements. 0.99
02:22:58.000 I was like, what the fuck podcast did you listen to? 0.98
02:23:02.000 We had a podcast where we all had fun together. 0.99
02:23:03.000 There was no disagreements whatsoever. 0.98
02:23:05.000 But people will break this shit down to make it some... 0.98
02:23:09.000 They will just nitpick on only the negative aspects of it. 1.00
02:23:12.000 And it's always people that are fucking... 1.00
02:23:14.000 Miserable cunts. 0.99
02:23:16.000 You've got to also think, like, each one of these episodes, and not getting into exact numbers, let's just say hundreds of thousands of people listen to this, and you might hear, out of hundreds of thousands of people, you might hear, like, 20 people. 0.98
02:23:27.000 And that's the bottom of the barrel.
02:23:29.000 Most negative, they have a million cats. 1.00
02:23:31.000 They're fucking assholes in general. 1.00
02:23:33.000 And if you focus on those 20 and not the 490 million other people, then you're going to drive yourself crazy. 1.00
02:23:40.000 Crazy.
02:23:41.000 That's a good point, but I firmly believe that you can't be too self-congratulatory, and I think you have to address any possible valid criticisms. 0.99
02:23:49.000 So when I read negative shit, I have to take it into assessment. 0.96
02:23:52.000 I have to go, okay, I've got to look at this objectively. 0.99
02:23:54.000 Did I do that?
02:23:55.000 Did I do that?
02:23:55.000 Because I know when I've done something wrong, I've made mistakes.
02:23:58.000 I know when I do.
02:23:59.000 Did I do that?
02:24:00.000 And then if you don't, then you have to go, well, then you've got to look at the motivation of this person and try to figure out, why did you look at this whole thing so skewed?
02:24:08.000 And that's the driving you crazy part that I'm talking about.
02:24:11.000 But it's fascinating.
02:24:12.000 It's important to out those people.
02:24:14.000 It's important to out those people to set the tone for the rest of the board.
02:24:16.000 You let those people know that, look, this is what's going on here.
02:24:18.000 This is just cunty negative behavior.
02:24:20.000 It's not necessary.
02:24:22.000 Let's communicate like we're at my house.
02:24:26.000 We're at a house party.
02:24:27.000 Let's be polite.
02:24:28.000 Look, if we're at a house party and someone comes up to me and starts saying, hey, the Mormon faith is a true faith and Joseph Smith is...
02:24:35.000 Okay, let's have a polite conversation about this.
02:24:38.000 Let's politely talk about it.
02:24:39.000 You tell me why.
02:24:41.000 I'll pretend like you're my wife's friend's husband.
02:24:46.000 You know what I mean?
02:24:46.000 You're a guy I have to be nice to.
02:24:48.000 So go ahead. 0.99
02:24:48.000 Tell me what the fuck you think and hopefully we can get through this without anybody raising their voice. 0.99
02:24:54.000 But on the internet, it's right away. 1.00
02:24:56.000 You fucking faggot. 1.00
02:24:57.000 Right away. 1.00
02:24:59.000 Retard. 1.00
02:24:59.000 Go back to school. 1.00
02:25:00.000 It kills me. 0.53
02:25:01.000 Fail.
02:25:03.000 Pwned. 1.00
02:25:04.000 Stupid cunt. 1.00
02:25:05.000 You're so dumb. 1.00
02:25:06.000 Die. 1.00
02:25:07.000 It kills me because growing up here in the Valley, if you said some shit to someone... 1.00
02:25:13.000 You got fucking smacked. 1.00
02:25:15.000 I used to fight with black girls because I would say shit. 1.00
02:25:18.000 Whoa. 1.00
02:25:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:25:19.000 But you know what I learned?
02:25:20.000 What? 1.00
02:25:21.000 Not to fucking say shit to people because you get punched. 1.00
02:25:23.000 Yeah, that's how you learn. 1.00
02:25:24.000 And don't fight with black girls. 1.00
02:25:25.000 You fight with black chicks and they fucking tell you what's up and guess what? 1.00
02:25:29.000 I don't write awful things on the internet to people. 1.00
02:25:31.000 How often do you go on World Star Hip Hop?
02:25:33.000 What's that?
02:25:34.000 I don't even know what that is.
02:25:34.000 You don't know what worldstarhiphop.com is?
02:25:36.000 No, it isn't. 1.00
02:25:36.000 If you would go on worldstarhiphop.com, you would cease and desist all fucking with black girls immediately. 1.00
02:25:41.000 Because nobody lays a beating on another girl like a black girl does. 1.00
02:25:44.000 Thank you, I know. 0.97
02:25:45.000 Oh my god, there's a recent one over a Twitter beef.
02:25:49.000 If you just google worldstarhiphop.com Twitter beef.
02:25:52.000 Somebody sent it to me.
02:25:54.000 Brian will pull it up.
02:25:55.000 If you want to pull it up, Brian, pull it up on YouTube.
02:25:57.000 Black girls are the best fighters. 1.00
02:25:58.000 World Star Hip Hop.
02:25:59.000 Is that on the iPad?
02:26:00.000 Will it work on the iPad?
02:26:02.000 We should make them MMA fighters. 1.00
02:26:04.000 This chick beat the fuck out of this girl and went right away to the old school pride head stomps. 1.00
02:26:08.000 She was head stomping her. 1.00
02:26:10.000 She got her down, ragdolled to the ground, and stomped her in the head immediately like a killer. 1.00
02:26:14.000 Threw bombs at her, like really vicious bombs. 0.99
02:26:17.000 Punches and stomps. 0.50
02:26:18.000 There's some real brutal on Worldstar.
02:26:22.000 There's some street knockouts where you see the head hit the concrete.
02:26:27.000 Oh, yeah.
02:26:27.000 A lot of them.
02:26:28.000 And then they start kicking them in the head while they're down. 0.64
02:26:31.000 I didn't get it that bad.
02:26:32.000 I just got punched in the stomach a few times and I was like, all right, I'm sorry.
02:26:35.000 World Star Hip Hop is easily the worst example of humanity available on the internet outside of snuff films.
02:26:41.000 Because some of those people might have died.
02:26:42.000 And if they didn't die, a piece of them died.
02:26:44.000 There's this one guy that got knocked out where they just kept kicking him in the head while he was unconscious.
02:26:48.000 It's so hard to watch. 1.00
02:26:49.000 That guy is forever fucked. 1.00
02:26:51.000 There's no question in my mind that that damage that he got that day to his brain is irreparable. 1.00
02:26:57.000 He got hit by punts, soccer kicks to the head while he's unconscious.
02:27:02.000 People are just running over and punching him in the face.
02:27:04.000 So he's getting just concussion after concussion.
02:27:07.000 His brain is just swashing inside his skull. 0.99
02:27:09.000 For sure, he's going to be fucked up for months. 1.00
02:27:13.000 Did you see the one in Baltimore where they knocked him out and then they started taking his clothes off? 0.99
02:27:17.000 Yes, started taking his clothes off.
02:27:18.000 Jesus Christ.
02:27:19.000 And the sound of his head falling onto the concrete while he was unconscious when he gets knocked out by the punch.
02:27:26.000 I have a hard time watching Rocky movies.
02:27:27.000 I got a bunch of tweets from cops in Baltimore because Neil Brennan and I were talking about it and Neil was saying, well, it's like sort of a mob mentality that takes on And I said, well, I totally agreed to a certain extent, although I agree to a certain extent that my mentality is real and it does happen sometimes.
02:27:44.000 I don't think that's what was going on there.
02:27:45.000 I think that was a drunk guy that was around a bunch of criminals, man, and they're just used to that.
02:27:49.000 And these guys from Baltimore, these cops from Baltimore tweeted me and a bunch of them were telling me, like, read this, check out that.
02:27:56.000 And other people tweeted me about the same issue. 0.99
02:27:58.000 Like, apparently Baltimore's got a crazy fucking crime. 0.99
02:28:02.000 Yeah, it's always at the top. 0.99
02:28:04.000 One cop said he's just shocked at the amount of crime he sees every day.
02:28:07.000 Charm City.
02:28:08.000 Yeah, that's what they call it. 0.96
02:28:09.000 But you would think, like, Baltimore sounds like a bunch of white people that live by the water and eat crabs. 1.00
02:28:13.000 You know, this is near Maryland.
02:28:16.000 Isn't D.C. also like that?
02:28:18.000 Washington, D.C. You would think that would be the best.
02:28:20.000 D.C., they're loasters.
02:28:22.000 What about Detroit?
02:28:23.000 D.C. DC's only about a half an hour away from Baltimore.
02:28:28.000 Oh, right, man.
02:28:28.000 I don't think it's any of those, bro.
02:28:30.000 Rough city, man.
02:28:31.000 Wait, what's it called?
02:28:32.000 What would this search were?
02:28:33.000 You just said World Star Hip Hop Girl Fight?
02:28:35.000 No, not Girl Fight.
02:28:36.000 World Star Hip Hop Twitter Beef.
02:28:38.000 Twitter Beef.
02:28:39.000 Yeah, just Twitter Beef.
02:28:40.000 Because I think there's not a lot that fall into the category of Twitter Beef.
02:28:44.000 This girl showed up at this girl's house and said, we're going to fight. 0.89
02:28:46.000 And while the other person was filming it, she pulled her out of her house and violently beat the fuck out of her. 1.00
02:28:52.000 Girl on Girl Fighting is crazy to me. 0.91
02:28:55.000 They have compilations.
02:28:56.000 No, that's Jennifer Hudson, bro.
02:28:59.000 World Star Hip Hop Twitter Beef.
02:29:01.000 Just Google those words.
02:29:03.000 World Star Hip Hop Twitter Beef.
02:29:04.000 Look, here, I'll do it real quick.
02:29:06.000 You know, even Oprah Winfrey gets people hatefully emailing her.
02:29:10.000 I watch the Oprah Soul series.
02:29:12.000 She talks about it.
02:29:14.000 She's like, people send me things.
02:29:15.000 I'm like, what are you going to hate on?
02:29:17.000 She's just trying to help the world, man.
02:29:20.000 I mean, even if you don't agree with it, like, don't hate male Oprah Winfrey.
02:29:24.000 Come on, man.
02:29:24.000 No, that's not it.
02:29:25.000 What the poor woman? 1.00
02:29:26.000 People hate her a long time.
02:29:27.000 Girls.
02:29:28.000 Because she's successful, too, though.
02:29:29.000 Of course, yeah.
02:29:31.000 People hate everything.
02:29:32.000 People hate the Beatles. 1.00
02:29:33.000 You fucking watch on YouTube under Beatles videos. 1.00
02:29:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:29:36.000 I hate them. 1.00
02:29:37.000 Yeah, here it is. 0.98
02:29:39.000 Home Invasion.
02:29:40.000 Right here, bro.
02:29:40.000 Here it is, right here.
02:29:43.000 WorldStarHipHop.com.
02:29:44.000 Just look up Home Invasion.
02:29:47.000 Girl gets tore up on her own doorstep over Twitter beef. 1.00
02:29:50.000 Just look for Home Invasion. 0.98
02:29:54.000 Home Invasion Twitter beef on WorldStarHipHop.
02:29:57.000 So you clean this out on this end, right?
02:29:59.000 Yeah, that's when you release the Kraken of Shame.
02:30:02.000 You don't want that.
02:30:03.000 You don't want that?
02:30:04.000 Maybe you do. 1.00
02:30:05.000 Apparently there's a video where a girl puts one of those up her ass and then a guy fucks the flashlight. 0.99
02:30:09.000 Hey, that's not my idea. 0.99
02:30:11.000 Was it really your idea? 0.99
02:30:12.000 Jerks. 1.00
02:30:13.000 Well, by the way, Brian, I don't think you're the first person to think of that shit. 1.00
02:30:16.000 In her asshole, but why not her vagina hole? 1.00
02:30:18.000 Well, because her asshole is more pliable. 1.00
02:30:20.000 Gotcha. 1.00
02:30:21.000 There's a lot of girls that have giant dumpers. 1.00
02:30:22.000 They can take large objects up there. 1.00
02:30:25.000 That's a really, you know, give a guy a really distorted perception of reality if he's into that shit, you know? 1.00
02:30:30.000 Oh, man. 1.00
02:30:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:30:31.000 We could put this in somebody's asshole. 1.00
02:30:32.000 I don't like anything in my butthole. 1.00
02:30:34.000 Really? 0.99
02:30:34.000 Nice. 0.99
02:30:35.000 Not really.
02:30:35.000 Nice way to announce it on the podcast.
02:30:40.000 There's a couple things to put up there.
02:30:41.000 I like to share.
02:30:42.000 Well, it's important to share.
02:30:43.000 Especially with the world. 0.99
02:30:44.000 Just like this, you know, this lady has the right to stick a fleshlight up her butthole. 1.00
02:30:49.000 You can know that someone can do that. 0.99
02:30:50.000 You should also know.
02:30:51.000 Watch this girl. 1.00
02:30:52.000 Beat the fuck. 1.00
02:30:53.000 Can you go full screen on that? 1.00
02:30:54.000 Yeah.
02:30:55.000 Watch this girl. 1.00
02:30:56.000 She shows up at this girl's house. 0.79
02:31:00.000 It's coming up real soon.
02:31:01.000 It's coming up real soon.
02:31:02.000 Uh-oh. 0.99
02:31:03.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
02:31:04.000 Okay. 0.99
02:31:05.000 Everybody, girl, who's going to touch me, bro?
02:31:07.000 And I say everybody.
02:31:08.000 I say my people.
02:31:09.000 Who's going to touch me?
02:31:11.000 Watch it.
02:31:12.000 She just pulls her out of the house.
02:31:13.000 Oh, that's how it happens. - What happens?
02:31:20.000 Look how violent this bitch is. 1.00
02:31:22.000 She's beating the fuck out of this girl. 1.00
02:31:32.000 Stomping on her head, kicking her in the head. 1.00
02:31:35.000 Oh, the hair. 1.00
02:31:37.000 Goddammit. 0.99
02:31:38.000 Look how strong that girl is. 1.00
02:31:39.000 She just pulled her down the stairs by her hair. 1.00
02:31:42.000 That's so scary.
02:31:43.000 That's horrifying.
02:31:44.000 Talk about that, hoe. 1.00
02:31:46.000 That should be on a t-shirt.
02:31:48.000 That's scary.
02:31:49.000 Talk about that, hoe. 1.00
02:31:51.000 See, that's what can happen.
02:31:53.000 That is what can happen. 1.00
02:31:54.000 Don't talk shit to black girls. 1.00
02:31:56.000 Oh, for sure. 1.00
02:31:56.000 Did you hear a guy got arrested in England for saying something on Twitter? 1.00
02:32:02.000 Have you heard about this?
02:32:03.000 No. 0.99
02:32:04.000 Yeah, let me find this because it's fucking crazy. 0.99
02:32:06.000 It was on Stanhope's Twitter. 0.99
02:32:08.000 Arrested?
02:32:09.000 Yeah, the dude's name is Ollie something or another.
02:32:11.000 Let me find it real quick.
02:32:12.000 Let me go through my Twitter. 1.00
02:32:13.000 But it's fucking crazy shit. 1.00
02:32:15.000 Apparently he was fucking with their government over there. 1.00
02:32:18.000 Here it is. 0.98
02:32:19.000 The guy was arrested and convicted.
02:32:21.000 The guy's name is Sir Ollie. 0.97
02:32:22.000 Sir underscore Ollie underscore C. And he got arrested and convicted for saying cunt on his Twitter. 0.99
02:32:32.000 And I'm not bullshitting. 0.88
02:32:34.000 It's about some federal, section 127 of the Communications Act of 2003 is what they got him on.
02:32:41.000 This is all the guy wrote.
02:32:42.000 Ready? 1.00
02:32:42.000 Which cunt lives in a house like this? 1.00
02:32:45.000 Period. 1.00
02:32:46.000 Answers on a postcard to Bexley Council.
02:32:50.000 So I guess it's the Bexley Council that he was having a problem with.
02:32:53.000 So that's all he said. 1.00
02:32:54.000 Which cunt lives in a house like this? 1.00
02:32:56.000 Answers on a postcard to Bexley Council. 1.00
02:32:58.000 And that was the hashtag, Bexley Council.
02:33:01.000 And then here's another one, another tweet.
02:33:03.000 It's silly posting a picture of a house on Twitter without an address.
02:33:07.000 That will come later. 1.00
02:33:09.000 Please feel free to post actual shit. 0.99
02:33:13.000 Okay, what that means, I don't know. 0.99
02:33:15.000 But it sounds like he put a photograph of a counselor's home.
02:33:20.000 Yeah, okay, Melvin Seymour.
02:33:22.000 He put a photograph of this guy's home.
02:33:24.000 Probably not a good idea.
02:33:25.000 Well, that changes everything. 0.99
02:33:27.000 Because, first of all, that's creepy as fuck. 0.97
02:33:29.000 That he put this guy's picture and he took a photo of it. 1.00
02:33:32.000 But that they got him for using the word cunt is what's fascinating. 1.00
02:33:35.000 That they didn't get him for taking that picture, which apparently was legal. 0.98
02:33:39.000 Yes.
02:33:40.000 Oh, wow. 1.00
02:33:40.000 Yeah, for saying cunt. 1.00
02:33:42.000 Or for calling a government guy? 1.00
02:33:45.000 I don't know, but he's saying which cunt lives there. 1.00
02:33:48.000 Oh boy. 1.00
02:33:49.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:33:49.000 Well, cunt is a lot less offensive in the UK. Like, you call people cunts like every other word. 1.00
02:33:55.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.86
02:33:57.000 So we really should have been, they should have got pissed at him for taking a picture of that guy's house, but I guess they couldn't do anything about that.
02:34:02.000 He got arrested for this.
02:34:03.000 Yeah.
02:34:03.000 Wow.
02:34:04.000 Yeah, apparently.
02:34:05.000 And, of course, Stanhope took up the fight.
02:34:08.000 Did you see Stanhope, the thing that was going on with him and that lady in England?
02:34:11.000 No.
02:34:12.000 You didn't see?
02:34:13.000 Oh, it was great.
02:34:14.000 Oh, wait.
02:34:15.000 Yes, yes, I did read something about this, where he was doing shows over there.
02:34:18.000 Guy's horribly ill, okay?
02:34:20.000 And this woman wrote this thing about saying this guy does not have the right to die. 0.58
02:34:24.000 And that it's not his choice to decide when to die.
02:34:26.000 So Stanhope comes on, and not only does he go after her, and he goes off on Twitter and says, congratulations, you made it into the act. 0.99
02:34:34.000 He's saying all this shit on Twitter. 1.00
02:34:35.000 And then he hopes that she gets a fetid cyst on her ovaries. 1.00
02:34:40.000 All kinds of craziness, right? 0.90
02:34:42.000 He's out of his mind. 0.99
02:34:43.000 So then she writes some whole really crazy, dumb, terribly written article about him, and comparing him to some other horrible people in the world, and what she doesn't address is the fact that she had written an article just a couple years ago praising a mother for taking and what she doesn't address is the fact that she had written an article just a couple years ago praising a mother for taking her And so she's a hypocrite in her own writing. 0.99
02:35:10.000 She's not even accountable for her words. 0.99
02:35:12.000 It's just verbal diarrhea. 1.00
02:35:14.000 She's one of those dumb people that writes things down and tries to make some sort of a point because her job is to write an article and Doug found her conclusions to be illogical, idiotic, and offensive. 1.00
02:35:23.000 So he, you know, in his way, you know, he asked for fucking injuries to her body and pussy problems and... 1.00
02:35:31.000 But he's a fucking stand-up comedian. 1.00
02:35:33.000 So she went off and she was trying to get him arrested and had them investigate him and all sorts of different shit. 0.99
02:35:38.000 But he didn't really do anything wrong. 0.64
02:35:41.000 And the whole thing is hilarious.
02:35:44.000 And the whole thing only probably made Doug an even bigger hero in the UK. Because she's a moron. 1.00
02:35:48.000 If you read the shit that she wrote, she's such a fucking gangbag. 1.00
02:35:51.000 And he did this while in England, right? 1.00
02:35:53.000 Yeah, while in England.
02:35:54.000 Which is crazy when you think about how lenient they are.
02:35:56.000 Because in America, all some kids had to do is say they were going to come down and destroy America and dig up Marilyn Monroe's bones.
02:36:02.000 And they said that on Twitter.
02:36:03.000 And so they were coming to party. 1.00
02:36:05.000 And the fucking people at the TSA or whatever the hell it is. 1.00
02:36:09.000 What is it? 1.00
02:36:09.000 It's not TSA. Homeland Security. 1.00
02:36:11.000 Homeland Security.
02:36:12.000 Yeah, they sent them back.
02:36:13.000 They arrested them.
02:36:14.000 They interrogated them and sent them back home. 1.00
02:36:15.000 They looked in their shit for shovels. 0.99
02:36:17.000 They thought they were really going to bring shovels with them. 1.00
02:36:20.000 Fucking dummies. 1.00
02:36:22.000 TSA's the worst. 1.00
02:36:23.000 Silly bitches. 1.00
02:36:25.000 They sound like fun people. 1.00
02:36:26.000 I want them over here.
02:36:27.000 They say they're coming over here to destroy America and dig up Marilyn Monroe's bones.
02:36:31.000 Where's the party? 0.99
02:36:33.000 We're going to fucking throw down here. 0.99
02:36:34.000 Yeah, that sounds like some people, you know, we could have a fucking good time with them. 0.99
02:36:38.000 They sound like some people that are coming here to have fun. 1.00
02:36:40.000 What the fuck? 1.00
02:36:41.000 You don't think they're really going to destroy America? 1.00
02:36:43.000 Al-Qaeda could do it, but some 24-year-old couple from England is going to pull it off? 0.99
02:36:47.000 Some drunk kids.
02:36:48.000 Stop.
02:36:48.000 For sure.
02:36:48.000 Yeah, drunk kids straight out of college, bitch.
02:36:51.000 Ridiculous. 1.00
02:36:51.000 This reminds me of, Tom, you remember that article you sent me about that woman in the UK who claims that she's too beautiful? 1.00
02:36:57.000 Yes, I saw that.
02:36:58.000 Did you see that?
02:36:59.000 I think that's subtle satire, if I had to guess.
02:37:02.000 You think?
02:37:02.000 I didn't know that.
02:37:03.000 I mean, you could read it obviously like that, but the fact that there were all these follow-ups...
02:37:08.000 I mean, it's either a well-orchestrated...
02:37:10.000 I don't know. 1.00
02:37:11.000 Crazy bitch. 1.00
02:37:12.000 Yeah, hoax, or it's a crazy bitch. 1.00
02:37:14.000 Yeah, a little both. 1.00
02:37:15.000 She seemed crazy bitch. 1.00
02:37:15.000 I think the writer had a little bit of tongue-in-cheek while he was writing it, because he kind of knew that she was really a six, so as he's putting that picture out... 1.00
02:37:22.000 She wasn't really attractive.
02:37:23.000 But she was sincere.
02:37:24.000 She wasn't ugly. 0.97
02:37:25.000 Yes, I think so.
02:37:26.000 She was sincere.
02:37:28.000 A bit of Windy City heat.
02:37:29.000 It also felt like it. 0.99
02:37:31.000 But the best was that everybody who was critical of her, it played into her ridiculous life. 0.98
02:37:36.000 She was like, see? 0.98
02:37:37.000 All the haters came out.
02:37:39.000 I'm so hot.
02:37:39.000 Because I'm so hot.
02:37:41.000 There are a lot of haters out there.
02:37:43.000 How do we fix it, Christina?
02:37:44.000 How do we get rid of them?
02:37:45.000 How do we bring them up?
02:37:46.000 How do we raise up the haters?
02:37:47.000 Is it possible?
02:37:48.000 Therapy.
02:37:49.000 Weed.
02:37:50.000 Therapies?
02:37:50.000 Get out?
02:37:51.000 For real?
02:37:52.000 Psychotherapy.
02:37:52.000 Does that stuff work?
02:37:53.000 Because a lot of people that I know that have been in it say that it doesn't change.
02:37:56.000 Changed my life.
02:37:58.000 For real?
02:37:58.000 I've been doing it for two years.
02:37:59.000 Two years.
02:38:00.000 And it's improved my...
02:38:01.000 I used to be riddled with anxiety and depression.
02:38:04.000 Really?
02:38:04.000 I was, you know, I was goth.
02:38:06.000 When I was 14, I was suicidal.
02:38:07.000 I was crazy.
02:38:08.000 Whoa.
02:38:09.000 And I was depressed for years.
02:38:10.000 And I... Two years in psychotherapy and I'm, like, infinitely better.
02:38:14.000 That's amazing.
02:38:15.000 You're the best success story I've ever heard from it.
02:38:16.000 Really?
02:38:17.000 Well I have a great psychotherapist if anyone wants...
02:38:19.000 I have too many friends that keep going to therapists and keep continuing with the same fuck-ups and it's confusing to me.
02:38:26.000 If you're not seeing progress, like I know people that go to the same person for like 10 years and are the same, going in circles. 1.00
02:38:33.000 You need to find somebody that can really get to the root of your bullshit Right. 1.00
02:38:37.000 And then I believe undo that bullshit. 1.00
02:38:38.000 So you got super lucky first time with this? 0.99
02:38:40.000 This is the first counsel?
02:38:41.000 I had seen some other guy that was wearing white Velcro shoes and mommy jeans.
02:38:45.000 Holla! 1.00
02:38:46.000 Yeah.
02:38:47.000 And I was like, you can't even dress yourself. 0.99
02:38:49.000 You can't fucking counsel me on my life. 0.99
02:38:51.000 So I dumped him. 0.99
02:38:53.000 What's that about?
02:38:54.000 And then this broad's like, she changed my life. 1.00
02:38:56.000 Velcro never really caught on for shoes, did it?
02:38:58.000 It's great for little kids.
02:38:59.000 Like in third grade.
02:38:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:39:00.000 Kangaroos.
02:39:01.000 Yeah.
02:39:01.000 The little Velcro pouch.
02:39:02.000 It's weird, isn't it?
02:39:03.000 Yeah.
02:39:03.000 You should bring that back, man.
02:39:04.000 It's very useful.
02:39:05.000 It's very useful, but it's just so douchey.
02:39:07.000 There's something dorky about Velcro for whatever reason. 0.88
02:39:10.000 Real lame, man.
02:39:11.000 Yeah, never caught on.
02:39:12.000 Why is that?
02:39:13.000 They caught on.
02:39:14.000 It's really popular for a while.
02:39:15.000 No, but I'm saying it's not there.
02:39:18.000 Most of the sneakers we buy have laces.
02:39:20.000 Right.
02:39:20.000 I saw it the other day.
02:39:21.000 I think the problem with Velcro, though, is after a couple weeks, they're getting shit in the Velcro, like cotton and stuff like that, and they start being annoying.
02:39:29.000 In the past, you just get new shoelaces.
02:39:31.000 Right.
02:39:32.000 They lose their sticky.
02:39:33.000 Yeah.
02:39:34.000 That's true. 1.00
02:39:34.000 But they should be able to replace that shit like you replace shoelaces. 1.00
02:39:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:39:37.000 But then you'd have to go somewhere and do it.
02:39:38.000 That's annoying.
02:39:39.000 That's a nuisance. 1.00
02:39:39.000 Yeah, that's stupid. 1.00
02:39:41.000 I like Vans right now. 1.00
02:39:42.000 Slip-ons, no laces, no Velcro.
02:39:45.000 Do you have them in like the cheap trick black and white checkerboard?
02:39:48.000 No, that's too dykey. 1.00
02:39:49.000 I can't.
02:39:49.000 Too dykey?
02:39:49.000 I'm a lady.
02:39:50.000 I'm a lady.
02:39:52.000 Language.
02:39:53.000 Too dykey. 1.00
02:39:54.000 Well, look, I'm already crossing the line as a female comic, so I try to keep it somewhat feminine.
02:39:59.000 Do you feel like as a female comic, well, I've always felt, tell me if I'm right, that it's harder because you have less people want to hear you talk.
02:40:07.000 No one wants to hear me talk.
02:40:08.000 Less people want to take your opinion seriously because you're a woman. 1.00
02:40:11.000 So if you get on stage and you want to start talking about politics, immediately you're running uphill battle.
02:40:16.000 For sure. 1.00
02:40:16.000 You talk about sex, you're a whore. 1.00
02:40:17.000 For sure. 1.00
02:40:18.000 Do you look at other comics, guy comics, and go, God, they get away with so much.
02:40:23.000 I do, but I also grew up admiring male comedians.
02:40:26.000 I really loved watching Bill Hicks and a lot of dudes.
02:40:31.000 But yes, you're right.
02:40:32.000 Absolutely.
02:40:33.000 Society doesn't privilege intelligence and women. 1.00
02:40:36.000 You should just be hot.
02:40:37.000 So that's the message you get growing up.
02:40:39.000 Just don't read books.
02:40:40.000 Just be hot.
02:40:42.000 So we're up against that.
02:40:44.000 You know, I actually try to channel masculine energy. 0.99
02:40:47.000 When I go up there, I always have this image of me putting my dick on the crowd. 0.99
02:40:53.000 Do you really? 1.00
02:40:54.000 Yeah, I swear to God.
02:40:54.000 Have you ever worked on this with your counselor?
02:40:57.000 Yeah, but I don't want to fuck with how I do stand-up. 0.78
02:40:59.000 No, but I mean, is he approve of this lay-the-dick-on-the-crowd method? 0.95
02:41:03.000 Um, I guess because it works for me in that, like, there's, you know, different parts to your personality.
02:41:08.000 I'm not that way at home with my husband.
02:41:09.000 Right.
02:41:10.000 I'm a woman with my husband, right? 1.00
02:41:12.000 Like, I like being a feminine, but on stage, I just, I'm a fucking dude. 0.99
02:41:17.000 You kind of have to. 0.98
02:41:18.000 It's a masculine thing.
02:41:19.000 It's a masculine art form.
02:41:21.000 Yeah, it is.
02:41:21.000 Femininity doesn't really read it as funny.
02:41:23.000 No, it's not funny.
02:41:25.000 You know?
02:41:26.000 Not as funny.
02:41:27.000 It's a different kind of funny.
02:41:28.000 There's some people that are like, okay, here's a very funny, feminine comic.
02:41:32.000 Wendy Liebman.
02:41:33.000 Very funny, very feminine. 0.99
02:41:35.000 Very clever writing, but very feminine. 1.00
02:41:38.000 Feminine-based. 0.76
02:41:39.000 That's true.
02:41:39.000 Well, here's my theory on this, okay?
02:41:42.000 Society wants women to be agreeable, to say the right thing, and to make everybody feel comfortable. 1.00
02:41:48.000 What's funny about that? 0.99
02:41:49.000 Fucking nothing. 0.99
02:41:50.000 It's funny for me. 1.00
02:41:51.000 I'm a man.
02:41:56.000 I was so lucky.
02:41:58.000 But you know what I mean?
02:41:58.000 I think that's why female comedy sometimes fails.
02:42:01.000 Because if you're playing into that norm, that social norm, then you're like, well, this just agrees with what a woman should be. 0.99
02:42:08.000 When did females get the right to vote? 1.00
02:42:09.000 What year was that?
02:42:10.000 I would say... 1.00
02:42:12.000 1930s or some shit? 1.00
02:42:13.000 Oh, the suffragists. 0.99
02:42:15.000 Was it after that, right?
02:42:16.000 I know in 1974 a woman couldn't have a credit card unless her husband or her father allowed it. 0.92
02:42:22.000 That was in 1974. That makes sense.
02:42:26.000 Right, Tommy?
02:42:27.000 1913. 1913 they could vote?
02:42:29.000 Yeah.
02:42:30.000 Yeah, in 1913. I know that they couldn't run the Boston Marathon until sometime in the summer.
02:42:35.000 Get out of the way. 0.53
02:42:36.000 We couldn't run marathons in the 60s.
02:42:39.000 That's hilarious.
02:42:40.000 That's pretty crazy.
02:42:41.000 That was just not that long ago.
02:42:42.000 Yeah, it's weird, right?
02:42:43.000 It's weird that the woman's right to vote is literally 100 years old. 1.00
02:42:48.000 Yeah.
02:42:49.000 That's why we need to invest in time machines.
02:42:50.000 That's crazy.
02:42:51.000 When you really stop and think about that, that's really crazy.
02:42:53.000 Yeah.
02:42:54.000 That's hard to believe.
02:42:55.000 But what you were saying about having opinions, actually people don't expect me to have them, so when I do, then they're like, whoa, whoa, you little girl. 0.95
02:43:03.000 I can get away with saying crazy foul shit, and then they're like, look at her, isn't she cute with her opinions and her thoughts, you know? 1.00
02:43:10.000 So it can work to my advantage. 1.00
02:43:12.000 I can say shit that dudes can't sometimes. 0.99
02:43:15.000 Really? 0.99
02:43:15.000 Like, in what way? 0.99
02:43:17.000 I won't threaten or challenge.
02:43:19.000 Like, for instance, like, let's say you said something.
02:43:23.000 I don't know.
02:43:23.000 I don't know.
02:43:24.000 It's a good example.
02:43:25.000 Like a hacker or something, you mean? 1.00
02:43:26.000 Yeah, I can tell a guy, I will fucking shit down your throat if you do not shut the fuck up. 1.00
02:43:31.000 Oh, right, right. 1.00
02:43:31.000 I see what you're saying. 1.00
02:43:32.000 He's not going to hit me.
02:43:33.000 He's not going to feel threatened.
02:43:33.000 Yeah, he'll be like, oh, that's so cute.
02:43:35.000 Right, right. 1.00
02:43:35.000 But if you were to say that, that guy might stand out and be like, Ray Joe Rogan, fuck you. 1.00
02:43:39.000 And then you guys will fight. 1.00
02:43:40.000 I like how you use my full name.
02:43:41.000 Yeah, me too.
02:43:42.000 Yeah.
02:43:43.000 That's true.
02:43:44.000 You can do it and there's a lot of funny in it.
02:43:46.000 But Bobby Lee could do it, too.
02:43:47.000 I could do it.
02:43:48.000 Yeah, you could do it, too.
02:43:49.000 You just have to not be physically threatening.
02:43:51.000 They're seven years old.
02:43:52.000 Yes. 0.96
02:43:53.000 I make poopies down your throat. 1.00
02:43:55.000 I want to do it. 0.98
02:43:56.000 I'd say 11. I don't think he's seven.
02:43:57.000 I think he's a brilliant 11-year-old.
02:44:00.000 Guys, start driving slower.
02:44:01.000 Pre-pubescent.
02:44:02.000 Don't scare Brian.
02:44:04.000 There's all these Lamborghinis that are just putting him in...
02:44:07.000 On death's door.
02:44:08.000 200 down sunset.
02:44:10.000 Cars are too fast, you guys.
02:44:12.000 They totally blow like five lights in a row.
02:44:15.000 That's happening every day.
02:44:18.000 I like the apricot flavor. 0.99
02:44:19.000 Goddamn Lamborghini Avengers. 0.98
02:44:21.000 They come flying in. 0.99
02:44:24.000 This is so cute.
02:44:25.000 What do you like to eat?
02:44:26.000 What's your favorite food?
02:44:27.000 Pizza or hot dogs?
02:44:29.000 Steak and pizza.
02:44:30.000 Chicken nuggets.
02:44:31.000 Are you thinking he's into childish foods?
02:44:33.000 Stuff that you get at Chuck E. Cheese?
02:44:36.000 Yeah.
02:44:37.000 Hot dogs if they're sliced up for me.
02:44:39.000 I like steak a lot.
02:44:40.000 There's actually this steakhouse in Burbank that I just went to called the Smokehouse.
02:44:45.000 I don't know if you've heard of it.
02:44:46.000 It's right across the street from Warner Brothers.
02:44:48.000 It's old, right?
02:44:49.000 It's been there for 65 years.
02:44:51.000 What's it called?
02:44:53.000 Smokehouse. 0.99
02:44:53.000 And the story is about how Bob Hope used to go there and how blah, blah, blah, and all this shit happens. 0.99
02:44:58.000 And I ordered a steak, and I swear to God, they pan-fried it. 0.98
02:45:02.000 It was a $30 steak, but they just put it in a pan.
02:45:06.000 Have you ever had that where it feels like, alright, this is not even a grill?
02:45:11.000 Well, some people prefer doing it on a pan, actually.
02:45:15.000 Alton, what is that guy's name?
02:45:16.000 Alton Eats.
02:45:17.000 You know what I'm talking about?
02:45:18.000 Is that a 70s thing or something?
02:45:20.000 No, no, no.
02:45:21.000 Apparently some people, there's different ways of cooking steak.
02:45:24.000 Obviously one of them is cooking it on an infrared grill or a coal grill or a gas grill.
02:45:30.000 You do it that way.
02:45:31.000 But some people believe that the best way is to sear it on a cast iron pan.
02:45:34.000 And that you cook it on a skillet and then you put that skillet in the oven.
02:45:37.000 You finish it off in the oven.
02:45:38.000 I've done it that way before.
02:45:40.000 I don't like it.
02:45:40.000 Yeah, I don't like it as much as I like it over coal.
02:45:44.000 I like over hardwood charcoal.
02:45:46.000 It kind of pissed me off.
02:45:47.000 I felt like, wow, I just spent $30 on a good piece of meat.
02:45:50.000 It was a porterhouse. 1.00
02:45:51.000 And that shit tastes like fucking Norm's. 1.00
02:45:54.000 Nothing against Norm's, but like a $5 steak. 1.00
02:45:57.000 Really?
02:45:57.000 Yeah, that's what I felt like.
02:45:58.000 Nothing against Norm's and your $5 steak. 1.00
02:46:00.000 Shit all over the $5 steak. 1.00
02:46:02.000 Norm's is the best. 1.00
02:46:03.000 How can you get a steak for $5?
02:46:05.000 How can they even do that?
02:46:07.000 It's amazing.
02:46:08.000 That place is amazing.
02:46:09.000 No way.
02:46:09.000 What does it look like before they cook it?
02:46:11.000 It's Mafia me, Joe Rogan!
02:46:13.000 It's Mafia me!
02:46:13.000 You've been to Taylor's Steakhouse?
02:46:16.000 Where's that?
02:46:16.000 That's old school.
02:46:17.000 It's from like the 50s.
02:46:18.000 It's on 8th Street.
02:46:19.000 Oh, yeah?
02:46:20.000 It's like you could tell it was there before the neighborhood was there.
02:46:24.000 What about Musso and Franks?
02:46:25.000 You ever been there?
02:46:25.000 I've never been there.
02:46:26.000 That's old school.
02:46:27.000 That place is amazing.
02:46:29.000 Musso and Franks is amazing.
02:46:30.000 Good steak.
02:46:31.000 Make me hungry, son. 0.99
02:46:33.000 Alright, this podcast, let's fucking call it over. 0.99
02:46:36.000 Alright. 0.98
02:46:36.000 Should we call it over? 0.98
02:46:37.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
02:46:38.000 Look, you guys are the shit. 1.00
02:46:39.000 As always, my favorite comedy couple in the history of comedy. 1.00
02:46:42.000 How about that?
02:46:42.000 Thanks for having me, man.
02:46:44.000 You guys win.
02:46:44.000 You're number one.
02:46:45.000 Anytime.
02:46:45.000 You guys are awesome.
02:46:46.000 I really think we should look into doing something like that. 0.98
02:46:48.000 Have one big network website where we're all together and have a link on our shit. 0.99
02:46:53.000 I love it, man. 0.99
02:46:53.000 That's a good idea. 0.99
02:46:55.000 Thank you to everybody that tunes into this fucking poorly edited podcast. 0.98
02:47:00.000 Patched together. 1.00
02:47:02.000 Ridiculous conversation. 0.98
02:47:03.000 It takes way too long. 1.00
02:47:05.000 We appreciate the fuck out of you. 0.83
02:47:07.000 Thank you for all coming out to the shows. 0.94
02:47:09.000 And thank you to everybody that's coming to Atlanta this weekend. 0.53
02:47:12.000 I'm fucking fired up. 0.70
02:47:13.000 I can't wait. 0.99
02:47:14.000 Two shows.
02:47:15.000 The first one is 8 o'clock.
02:47:17.000 The second one is 10.30.
02:47:18.000 And the first one sold out. 0.97
02:47:19.000 So come on down and have a good fucking time with me, Duncan Trussell, and the legendary Joey Coco Diaz. 0.98
02:47:25.000 Joey Coco Diaz. 0.98
02:47:27.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast for, whoa, these many years.
02:47:31.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.
02:47:39.000 And I do believe that it's parallel thinking. 1.00
02:47:43.000 When they came up with a video of a guy stuffing a fleshlight in a chick's ass and then fucking the fleshlight, I really don't think anybody copied you. 0.99
02:47:48.000 But I could be wrong. 1.00
02:47:49.000 I could be wrong, Brian.
02:47:51.000 I was kidding.
02:47:51.000 Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, all explained on Onnit.com.
02:47:59.000 All of it, 10% off if you use the code name Rogan, and all of it when you buy the first sample bottle of, not sample, first bottle of 30 pills, there's 100% money back guarantee on the first order.
02:48:09.000 You don't have to bring anything back, you just say it sucks, and you get your money back.
02:48:13.000 Holla! 1.00
02:48:14.000 Kettlebells are coming.
02:48:15.000 Everything's coming. 0.99
02:48:16.000 We got a lot of cool new shit. 0.99
02:48:17.000 Some crazy hemp protein powder that is unfucking believably delicious. 0.99
02:48:22.000 It's hemp protein with raw cocoa.
02:48:24.000 You know, that raw chocolate that's like an antioxidant.
02:48:28.000 Dark, delicious.
02:48:29.000 That sounds good.
02:48:29.000 Oh, it's fun.
02:48:30.000 It tastes so good.
02:48:31.000 I need that.
02:48:31.000 Super good for you.
02:48:33.000 Yeah, food.
02:48:34.000 Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net.
02:48:36.000 Click on the link for AlphaBrain.
02:48:37.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% off, you dirty bitches. 1.00
02:48:42.000 Thank you all. 1.00
02:48:42.000 We appreciate you. 1.00
02:48:43.000 We love you.
02:48:44.000 And we're all connected.
02:48:45.000 See you soon.