The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #2072 - Stavros Halkias

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:12.000 I don't know.

00:00:12.000 I think it's their own blend.

00:00:14.000 Some kind of tobacco thing.

00:00:15.000 Yeah.

00:00:16.000 Let's go live and sort this out.

00:00:18.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77

00:00:19.000 You know how podcasting works.

00:00:21.000 We're wasting all this beautiful...

00:00:22.000 I was recording it.

00:00:24.000 I was recording it.

00:00:25.000 We use every part of the buffalo.

00:00:27.000 We missed this entire Jamie ordering a half cow.

00:00:30.000 What's wrong with a cow? 1.00

00:00:31.000 I love that.

00:00:33.000 I'm with prepper Jamie.

00:00:36.000 Jamie's got canned peaches in his basement.

00:00:39.000 I just thought it was a Texas thing.

00:00:40.000 What, getting a half a cow?

00:00:42.000 Yeah.

00:00:42.000 Well, it is.

00:00:43.000 Well, one of the beautiful things about living around here is that there are a bunch of really good ranchers.

00:00:48.000 And you could buy...

00:00:50.000 Meat from someone who you know they grew the cow.

00:00:53.000 You know they didn't pump it full of antibiotics and hormones.

00:00:56.000 There's a lot of grass-fed ranchers out here.

00:00:58.000 That's nice.

00:00:59.000 I think that's what I was thinking one day.

00:01:00.000 I would love a nice grass-fed ribeye.

00:01:08.000 I'm a big fan of the grass-fed ribeyes.

00:01:11.000 Most people are so used to corn-fed though.

00:01:13.000 You get that pinkish sort of fatty. 0.99

00:01:16.000 Do you know the difference between prime or whatever?

00:01:18.000 I do not.

00:01:19.000 I do not.

00:01:20.000 Wait, what's the difference between corn-fed and grass-fed?

00:01:22.000 Grass-fed is how they normally eat.

00:01:24.000 That's how a cow usually eats. 1.00

00:01:26.000 They just eat grass.

00:01:27.000 Okay.

00:01:27.000 But then when they want to really plump them up quickly, they feed them corn.

00:01:33.000 So most steaks, if you go to like a steakhouse, unless they specify it's corn-fed or grain-fed.

00:01:40.000 Gotcha.

00:01:40.000 Yeah.

00:01:41.000 The BBL of cow trough is fucking corn-fed. 1.00

00:01:48.000 Yeah, a grass-fed is nice. 1.00

00:01:50.000 But I couldn't tell you the difference.

00:01:51.000 They're darker.

00:01:53.000 It's a little chewier.

00:01:54.000 Tastes better to me.

00:01:55.000 I like the flavor more. 0.99

00:01:57.000 The BBL, who was the fucking first doctor? 0.98

00:02:00.000 That was like, I know what to do with this extra fat. 0.99

00:02:04.000 It's genius.

00:02:05.000 It's like how a baby would be a doctor.

00:02:07.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:08.000 It's like, oh, let's put it in their cheeks.

00:02:09.000 Have you seen one in real life, though?

00:02:11.000 I have.

00:02:13.000 And it was pretty good.

00:02:14.000 Yeah?

00:02:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:02:16.000 If you get them fresh.

00:02:18.000 BBLs are like fish. 1.00

00:02:20.000 You know?

00:02:20.000 You want them...

00:02:22.000 You don't want them hanging out too long, you don't want too many kids, you know what I mean?

00:02:28.000 But if you get them right after Dr. Miami, you know what I mean?

00:02:32.000 Four months after healing.

00:02:33.000 Some pretty cool stuff.

00:02:38.000 Yeah.

00:02:39.000 Dry-aged beef.

00:02:40.000 Yeah, exactly, exactly.

00:02:41.000 You gotta let- I'm good at that perfect 30-day mark.

00:02:43.000 Yes.

00:02:43.000 You scrape off that weird top part, you know, and underneath there's a nice bubbly butt cheeks.

00:02:50.000 It is funny to fuck somebody with a huge ass when your dick is so little, though. 1.00

00:02:54.000 It's like my dick was, like, being stopped by the cheeks. 1.00

00:02:58.000 My head was probably this much in her pussy. 1.00

00:03:00.000 That makes sense. 1.00

00:03:01.000 Really, you have to really concentrate on tightening up your butt cheeks and keeping that forward thrust. 1.00

00:03:06.000 Good form.

00:03:06.000 Yeah.

00:03:07.000 You don't want to have too much laxity on the back end.

00:03:10.000 No, no, no.

00:03:10.000 You don't want to have a rigid wall.

00:03:13.000 You're only going back in, boom, and back in, and back in! 1.00

00:03:16.000 I have to get my deadlift formed down just so I can fuck a girl with a huge ass. 1.00

00:03:19.000 I think kettlebell swings. 1.00

00:03:21.000 It's all on the hips. 0.88

00:03:23.000 Okay, no.

00:03:23.000 Kettlebell swings.

00:03:25.000 It's a hip hinge.

00:03:26.000 That's what you want to work on.

00:03:27.000 I think carrying a gigantic stomach has to kind of strengthen the back, you know what I mean?

00:03:34.000 Yeah, I mean, it destroys your back, too.

00:03:36.000 Yeah.

00:03:36.000 But for those 45 seconds when I'm in those fake butt cheeks, it's pretty good.

00:03:42.000 Well, I was thinking that about, like, Ralphie Mae used to have the most fucking gigantic calves. 0.99

00:03:48.000 And I was like, Ralphie, if you lost weight, you'd be able to kick through a fucking wall. 0.99

00:03:52.000 Bro, check these photos. 1.00

00:03:53.000 Have you seen these little bad boys?

00:03:55.000 Let me see these bad boys.

00:03:56.000 Come on, dude.

00:03:56.000 This is awesome.

00:03:57.000 This is what I'm coming on the show for.

00:03:59.000 Huh?

00:04:00.000 Calfs. 1.00

00:04:00.000 Check these fuckers out. 1.00

00:04:02.000 Let me see the calves. 0.99

00:04:02.000 Would I put them up here? 0.99

00:04:03.000 Yeah, up there.

00:04:04.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:04:07.000 Oh my God.

00:04:08.000 That's massive.

00:04:10.000 Look at those.

00:04:11.000 But it makes sense.

00:04:12.000 Yeah.

00:04:12.000 I mean, you're basically rucking all day.

00:04:15.000 What's rucking?

00:04:16.000 Rucking is like when guys hike with a heavy, heavy, heavy backpack.

00:04:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:04:20.000 It's great cardio.

00:04:21.000 Absolutely.

00:04:22.000 Yeah, you're rucking.

00:04:23.000 I'm doing a 34-year ruck.

00:04:27.000 We're shedding it any day now. 0.99

00:04:28.000 Bro, if you lost weight, you'd have fucking tremendous leg power. 0.98

00:04:31.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:04:32.000 I gotta get in there.

00:04:34.000 Bert looks great.

00:04:36.000 He really does.

00:04:37.000 He's sending us a picture today.

00:04:38.000 He's down to 230. He drinks one day a week.

00:04:41.000 That's it.

00:04:42.000 And he says he's on a strict carnivore diet.

00:04:45.000 Interesting.

00:04:45.000 Do you think his vices will...

00:04:47.000 He'll fall apart.

00:04:48.000 Yeah, he's got no chance.

00:04:52.000 He just said he's going to gain it all back just so he can try to lose it again because he needs something to do.

00:04:56.000 I mean, that's lunacy.

00:04:58.000 How about being on a constant world tour?

00:05:00.000 Is that something to do, Bert? 0.93

00:05:02.000 Yeah, that seems a little lunatic too. 0.69

00:05:04.000 I know.

00:05:05.000 Well, you know, when I met Bert, Bert didn't have any money.

00:05:08.000 And now Bert is rolling in dough.

00:05:10.000 And I just think he just likes that too much and he wants that to keep coming.

00:05:14.000 I get that.

00:05:15.000 You know, to go from a guy who, you know, really didn't do well on the road to now all of a sudden you're selling out clubs, now all of a sudden you're selling out theaters. 0.99

00:05:23.000 Fucking arenas. 0.99

00:05:24.000 Now you're doing fucking arenas four or five nights a week. 1.00

00:05:28.000 It's insane. 1.00

00:05:28.000 I get it. 1.00

00:05:29.000 I get it.

00:05:30.000 It's fun.

00:05:31.000 Yeah, it feels like, because I did the Fully Loaded Tour.

00:05:33.000 I did a weekend on it.

00:05:34.000 It was insane.

00:05:35.000 So much fun.

00:05:36.000 But it does feel like if a guy who was, like, working Funny Bones Got a wish from a genie to sell out arenas, he would behave the way Burt's behaving.

00:05:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:05:47.000 It is kind of like that, right?

00:05:49.000 It's crazy.

00:05:50.000 I mean, he's having the best time. 0.99

00:05:52.000 He's fucking partying constantly. 0.99

00:05:54.000 He's very happy. 0.99

00:05:55.000 Yeah, you can't even...

00:05:56.000 You can't deny him that.

00:05:57.000 My instinct is to be like, dude, you gotta slow down.

00:06:01.000 But I was with him.

00:06:02.000 He's the only one having the best time ever.

00:06:04.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:06:04.000 It's like, he's having the best time in the fucking world. 0.99

00:06:07.000 Everyone's like, oh, we gotta get fucked up again, Burt. 1.00

00:06:10.000 Yeah! 0.99

00:06:12.000 Dude, I was literally napping in the bunk on mushrooms, and I was like, I have to go do an arena right now?

00:06:18.000 I was like, I just want to chill, man.

00:06:22.000 This is too much.

00:06:23.000 Well, he has a different constitution than most humans.

00:06:26.000 It's crazy.

00:06:27.000 It's got to be genetic.

00:06:29.000 There's something going on there.

00:06:30.000 He must have a long line of people from his ancestry that imbibed in alcohol.

00:06:35.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:06:36.000 He could just put it away.

00:06:37.000 No, it's crazy. 0.98

00:06:38.000 And he could put it away and just be hanging out with you, and you're like, wait, how many fucking drinks have you had? 0.99

00:06:42.000 Him and Gillis. 0.99

00:06:44.000 Shane's out of control.

00:06:45.000 Bro, he sat here with Ari, and when Ari tried to go beer for beer with him, and he's 16, 17 beers in, and the guy doesn't even slur his words.

00:06:54.000 No.

00:06:55.000 Also, he's giant.

00:06:56.000 He's huge. 1.00

00:06:57.000 He's a big fucking dude. 0.99

00:06:58.000 Yeah, and also Ari's a- So it's gone through a lot of flesh. 0.99

00:07:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.61

00:07:01.000 Ari's a sickly old man. 0.98

00:07:02.000 Look at Ari! 1.00

00:07:04.000 That's elder abuse to do that to Ari. 1.00

00:07:06.000 Ari seems like he's 50 years older than me and he's younger than me by quite a bit.

00:07:11.000 He's at least 10 years younger than me, right?

00:07:13.000 How old is Ari? 1.00

00:07:14.000 I think Ari's like 45? 1.00

00:07:18.000 I don't know.

00:07:19.000 Well, Google Ari Shaffir.

00:07:20.000 Jamie's looking up into the sky.

00:07:22.000 What do you think that page looks like?

00:07:23.000 What do you think that search looks like when you Google Ari Shaffir?

00:07:26.000 It's probably a 49. 49?

00:07:28.000 49. Oh, yeah.

00:07:29.000 Well, he's a man whose genes are he should be a rabbi. 0.76

00:07:35.000 I mean, he looks like a rabbi. 0.75

00:07:37.000 Well, he was on his way.

00:07:38.000 That's what he was going to do.

00:07:39.000 I mean, he was literally studying the Talmud like 12 hours a day.

00:07:43.000 He did the whole deal.

00:07:44.000 He went to Israel and he was on his way.

00:07:48.000 He was very religious.

00:07:49.000 When I met him, he was just breaking out of that.

00:07:52.000 Wow.

00:07:53.000 How long ago was this?

00:07:55.000 Boy, when did Ari first start coming to the store? 1.00

00:07:59.000 Look at that.

00:07:59.000 That's not a rabbi.

00:08:01.000 Look at his beard.

00:08:03.000 The beard's amazing.

00:08:04.000 The beard's so good.

00:08:06.000 His posture.

00:08:07.000 Yeah.

00:08:08.000 The beard's incredible.

00:08:10.000 Yeah.

00:08:11.000 I think I met him...

00:08:14.000 Boy, I guess it had to have been in the 2000s.

00:08:20.000 Makes sense.

00:08:20.000 Like maybe 2000, 2001. Okay.

00:08:24.000 So that was somewhere around 23 years ago, and Ari was like, yeah, Ari was like 25. Huh.

00:08:32.000 And he had lost his religion.

00:08:35.000 I'm not sure, because we didn't really start talking about that until afterwards when we became better friends.

00:08:40.000 Right, right, right.

00:08:41.000 I just knew him as a door guy at the store.

00:08:44.000 Just really, really smart dude. 1.00

00:08:46.000 I remember talking to him and go, oh, this motherfucker's on the ball. 0.99

00:08:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:08:48.000 He's smart. 0.99

00:08:49.000 Yeah, before 23 years of destroying his brain. 0.98

00:08:52.000 Well, he's still smart as fuck, but it's like, you know, when you talk to people, for me at least, When I'm talking to a door guy or an open-miker guy, I have all the hope in the world for you. 0.96

00:09:05.000 I really do. 0.98

00:09:06.000 But there's some dudes you talk to, you're like, oh, this guy's so dull.

00:09:10.000 Yeah, it's not happening.

00:09:11.000 He's dull.

00:09:11.000 His mind's not working well.

00:09:12.000 Or he's just leaping to stupid conclusions. 1.00

00:09:15.000 He doesn't have a thing. 1.00

00:09:17.000 You try and slip him an HVAC. You never know.

00:09:18.000 You never fucking know. 0.97

00:09:19.000 A brochure for an HVAC. You never know. 0.99

00:09:21.000 Some of them fucking find mushrooms and crack through. 0.99

00:09:24.000 That's how they do it? 1.00

00:09:25.000 It does!

00:09:26.000 It does happen, right?

00:09:27.000 I've seen some guys, and I'm like, he's not going to make it.

00:09:29.000 And they make it.

00:09:30.000 And they're like, wow.

00:09:31.000 But you kind of look at them like a salmon going upriver.

00:09:34.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:09:35.000 Like, how many of you motherfuckers get past the grizzlies? 1.00

00:09:37.000 You're a bear food baby. 1.00

00:09:39.000 That's coming out of a motherfucker's fangs. 1.00

00:09:42.000 But I remember talking to Ari the first time I talked to him. 1.00

00:09:45.000 And I was like, oh, this fucking dude's clever. 0.99

00:09:47.000 He's smart. 0.99

00:09:48.000 And then once we became friends and he started telling me his background, then I was fascinated.

00:09:52.000 I know.

00:09:53.000 So what made you give up on this, you know?

00:09:56.000 I know he's talked about it.

00:09:57.000 I don't remember whether it was a moment or whether it was multiple moments where he gave up on it. 0.99

00:10:03.000 Yeah, maybe getting pussy for the first time. 1.00

00:10:05.000 Because he's such a freak. 1.00

00:10:07.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

00:10:08.000 Yeah, I wonder when he got pussy. 1.00

00:10:09.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:10:10.000 But I think it was when he was 25. But his fucking special Jew is so good. 1.00

00:10:16.000 Well, that's what I was going to say about this conversation we're having. 0.99

00:10:18.000 Not only was it so good, and it was so interesting to hear from that, but I also felt like he just scratched the surface.

00:10:24.000 I feel like there's so much more in that self-reflection.

00:10:29.000 100%.

00:10:29.000 He could do Jew 2. 100%.

00:10:32.000 Jew 2, Electric Boogaloo. 0.92

00:10:33.000 And he could do it better than anybody.

00:10:35.000 Electric Jougaloo, I'm sorry.

00:10:37.000 I'm sorry.

00:10:38.000 Where's Mark when you need him?

00:10:44.000 Oh my god. 0.99

00:10:45.000 Fucking the text message chain that I have with him and Shane. 0.99

00:10:48.000 We have a Protect Our Parks text message chain. 1.00

00:10:51.000 And every now and then he'll fucking chime in with a Norman. 0.96

00:10:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:10:55.000 These zingers. 1.00

00:10:56.000 His fucking brain works different than anybody's. 1.00

00:10:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:59.000 It's the most like, he's just looking for a pun first and foremost.

00:11:03.000 Well, he's just a real comedian.

00:11:05.000 Absolutely.

00:11:05.000 I mean, that's what that guy is.

00:11:07.000 You can't get him to do anything else.

00:11:08.000 No.

00:11:09.000 Dude, his wedding was hilarious.

00:11:11.000 I bet it was.

00:11:12.000 I see it.

00:11:13.000 Like, you can tell.

00:11:14.000 He's a guy who's trained himself on, you know, deflecting, never, like, being emotional, ever being honest.

00:11:19.000 Or, not honest, open.

00:11:21.000 And then, dude, he was so uncomfortable in what's supposed to be the best moment of your life.

00:11:25.000 He's just like, uh...

00:11:27.000 There's no way to do a pun.

00:11:29.000 Like, he was squirming.

00:11:32.000 He had to just be like, tell his wife how he loved her. 0.82

00:11:37.000 And he's just like, can I call her gay? 1.00

00:11:42.000 You know he would have preferred to be like, love you, homo. 1.00

00:11:45.000 Yeah, he probably would have preferred that. 0.98

00:11:48.000 But it was a great wedding.

00:11:49.000 Yeah, women get upset if you don't take that thing very seriously. 1.00

00:11:52.000 Yeah. 0.79

00:11:53.000 If you call her fatty in your vows. 0.87

00:11:56.000 That sounds totally like something he would do.

00:11:59.000 And she'd be screaming every afterwards, it's my special day!

00:12:03.000 He killed it, though.

00:12:04.000 It was an incredible wedding.

00:12:05.000 That's awesome.

00:12:07.000 Weddings are touch and go.

00:12:08.000 They can be great.

00:12:10.000 Schultz's was awesome.

00:12:11.000 Oh, I believe that.

00:12:11.000 Schultz's was very good.

00:12:12.000 That's a motherfucker that knows how to celebrate. 1.00

00:12:15.000 Yeah, he knows how to put stuff together. 1.00

00:12:17.000 He had sushi by scratch, cater it.

00:12:21.000 It was awesome.

00:12:22.000 Yeah, sushi at a wedding.

00:12:23.000 Really good sushi, too.

00:12:26.000 A lot of comics were there.

00:12:28.000 A lot of our friends were there.

00:12:29.000 It was a good time.

00:12:30.000 That's a great time.

00:12:31.000 It was in Montecito.

00:12:32.000 You ever been to Montecito?

00:12:33.000 No.

00:12:33.000 Oh my god.

00:12:34.000 I don't even know where the fuck that is. 0.99

00:12:35.000 It's in California. 0.99

00:12:36.000 It's like in the Santa Barbara area.

00:12:39.000 Okay.

00:12:39.000 It's one of the most beautiful areas of California.

00:12:41.000 And Italian immigrants came there, and it reminded them, I think, of the Amalfi Coast.

00:12:47.000 And they sort of recreated this sort of Italian style.

00:12:51.000 It was like really good Italian restaurants, good Italian style homes.

00:12:56.000 Domestic abuse.

00:12:58.000 Not that kind of Italian. 1.00

00:12:59.000 Not American Italian. 0.93

00:13:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:02.000 Those are the savage ones that got in the boats. 0.97

00:13:06.000 They're different, bro. 0.99

00:13:07.000 Italians in Italy and Italians in America are very fucking different. 0.98

00:13:10.000 It's interesting. 0.96

00:13:12.000 Do you go to Italy a lot?

00:13:13.000 Yeah, I used to go every year.

00:13:14.000 Hell yeah.

00:13:15.000 This last year I went to Greece for the first time.

00:13:17.000 Ooh, where'd you go?

00:13:18.000 We went to a bunch of the islands.

00:13:22.000 Beautiful.

00:13:23.000 We went to Delos.

00:13:24.000 We went to...

00:13:25.000 Go to the temple?

00:13:26.000 Yeah, we went to all that stuff. 1.00

00:13:28.000 Fuck yeah, dude. 1.00

00:13:28.000 Yeah, man, it was fascinating. 1.00

00:13:30.000 It's so interesting being in the ruins of...

00:13:33.000 A place where these people thrived here 2,500 years ago. 0.99

00:13:38.000 It's fucking wild. 0.99

00:13:39.000 It's wild. 0.98

00:13:39.000 That's what I love about the, like, even though it's the thing everybody knows about, go to the Parthenon and go into that neighborhood where it's like, you go over those cobblestones, you're like... 0.98

00:13:50.000 Some fucking guy, some like 4'8 Athenian was fucking just going up these steps, fucking fetching water, just having a shitty day, anointed his fucking girlfriend, you know what I mean? 0.99

00:14:02.000 Leather sandals on. 1.00

00:14:03.000 Yeah, leather sandals on.

00:14:05.000 He's running late to his tutoring session slash getting molested appointment.

00:14:09.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:11.000 Some children are like, I better get these formulas right or he is going to have his way with me this time.

00:14:20.000 Yeah, not only was pedophilia okay, But it was openly discussed.

00:14:26.000 Yeah.

00:14:27.000 It's crazy.

00:14:27.000 Like they had boy lovers.

00:14:29.000 Yup. 1.00

00:14:29.000 You were made fun of if you continued to get fucked in the ass past adolescence. 1.00

00:14:35.000 Really? 1.00

00:14:35.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:14:36.000 Oh, you silly boy. 1.00

00:14:38.000 Yeah, it's like, you're being a fucking little kid. 1.00

00:14:40.000 What, you being a homo? 1.00

00:14:42.000 You're being childish getting fucked in the ass. 1.00

00:14:45.000 Is that true? 1.00

00:14:46.000 Dude, I swear.

00:14:47.000 Is that documented?

00:14:48.000 Now, it's documented.

00:14:49.000 I read it somewhere eight years ago, maybe, and I've been repeating it.

00:14:52.000 Let's repeat it.

00:14:53.000 Let's repeat it everywhere.

00:14:54.000 I might have told it to you the last time I was on.

00:14:57.000 That is so insane, though.

00:14:59.000 But if you go back and read in history, like Socrates, how many of these guys had boy lovers?

00:15:06.000 Probably all of them.

00:15:07.000 Probably. 0.99

00:15:08.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

00:15:09.000 What year do people realize that's terrible? 0.99

00:15:12.000 Like 20 years ago.

00:15:13.000 It's probably about 20 years ago.

00:15:16.000 Dude. 0.99

00:15:16.000 No, it's fucked up. 0.99

00:15:17.000 And, you know, you would read in, like, your sociology books where it's like, there's places where that's fucking, you know, you know where they're like, we can't, you know, these primitive people that we make contact with or, like, these people that don't have technology. 0.98

00:15:29.000 It's like half of them are still doing that.

00:15:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:32.000 Well, there's New Guinea.

00:15:33.000 Do you know about the semen warriors of New Guinea? 0.89

00:15:36.000 What?

00:15:39.000 I take it by your laughs that you do not. 1.00

00:15:41.000 What a fucking epithet of the semen warriors. 1.00

00:15:44.000 There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea that when a child becomes six or seven, they take them away from their mother and they bring them to an older man who becomes their anal father. 1.00

00:15:57.000 Their anal father? 0.99

00:15:59.000 Anal father. 1.00

00:15:59.000 And they believe that the only way for a boy to grow strong is that he has to ingest semen in his asshole and in his mouth. 1.00

00:16:08.000 No! 1.00

00:16:09.000 Both ways?

00:16:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:16:10.000 So these kids are just sucking cock and getting buttfucked from six, seven on. 1.00

00:16:15.000 That's fucked up. 1.00

00:16:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:16.000 And it's a literal tribal tradition.

00:16:19.000 Oh my god.

00:16:19.000 Yeah.

00:16:20.000 Look at my boy. 1.00

00:16:20.000 Look how he puts down that cock. 1.00

00:16:22.000 You think there's like proud fathers with a tear coming down his eye? 0.99

00:16:25.000 I don't think they get to watch.

00:16:28.000 I don't know what happens with the dads.

00:16:30.000 I guess the dads, I guess everybody's just used to it.

00:16:33.000 Yeah.

00:16:33.000 Bloodletting ceremony involves beating the boys with long sticks on their nostrils until they bleed.

00:16:39.000 That way, the woman's tingoo is completely gotten rid of. 1.00

00:16:43.000 Once this is done, he's made to perform oral sex on the older ones, which they do not stop until they take in the semen. 1.00

00:16:50.000 Damn. 1.00

00:16:50.000 Ingesting the semen will make them stronger. 1.00

00:16:52.000 More so, they are kept aside for three years and maintain a strict diet to make them stronger.

00:16:59.000 Defiance against this from the boys usually involves death.

00:17:03.000 They've bred straightness out of their tribe. 1.00

00:17:06.000 Jesus Christ, they fucking killed them if they don't want to get their mouth fucked. 1.00

00:17:10.000 Dude, how bad would this be if the guy who's fucking your mouth can't get hard? 1.00

00:17:14.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:17:15.000 He's like, alright, can you give me a second here? 0.88

00:17:18.000 The guy's just jacking off.

00:17:20.000 Alright, give me a sec. 1.00

00:17:20.000 Hey, can you pitch my nipples? 1.00

00:17:23.000 I want to go back to my mommy. 1.00

00:17:24.000 I want to go back to my mommy.

00:17:26.000 Sorry. 1.00

00:17:27.000 You better hope you get a real pedophile who's enjoying himself. 1.00

00:17:30.000 I bet they're all real pedophiles. 0.99

00:17:31.000 I guess you're right. 1.00

00:17:32.000 There's no moral fucking outliers in tribal communities. 0.99

00:17:37.000 You're right. 1.00

00:17:38.000 That's a fucking rough way to live. 0.99

00:17:39.000 Did you see that guy? 1.00

00:17:40.000 The guy from New Zealand? 1.00

00:17:42.000 That's the guy you gotta suck off? 1.00

00:17:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:44.000 Damn. 1.00

00:17:45.000 Yeah, with fucking boar tusks woven into his nose. 1.00

00:17:50.000 That's brutal. 1.00

00:17:50.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

00:17:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:53.000 So, do you see that guy?

00:17:54.000 There's a guy in New Guinea that's...

00:17:56.000 He was kidnapped, and they just made a video about him today.

00:18:00.000 Or I just saw it today, I should say.

00:18:03.000 Where these guys, there's like 30 dudes around him pointing a rifle at him.

00:18:07.000 And he's some journalist from New Zealand.

00:18:09.000 And they've had him hostage for 10 months.

00:18:12.000 And they've tried military operations to get him and they've all failed.

00:18:16.000 And now they're making demands.

00:18:19.000 Have you seen it, Jamie?

00:18:20.000 No, I haven't heard about this at all.

00:18:22.000 I'm seeing a story from February of this year.

00:18:24.000 He's a journalist and he's there in New Guinea?

00:18:26.000 Professor from Australia.

00:18:28.000 Is he a professor?

00:18:29.000 I mean, there's actually a couple stories.

00:18:31.000 Oh, there's a...

00:18:32.000 They're kidnapping a shitload of people out there. 1.00

00:18:35.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.99

00:18:36.000 Did they kidnap them or did those guys go there? 0.99

00:18:38.000 That's a good question.

00:18:39.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:40.000 There's stories from...

00:18:41.000 I think once they go there, they kidnap them.

00:18:43.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:43.000 Stress commission underway.

00:18:45.000 Rebels claim New Zealand pilot taken in Indonesia's Papa.

00:18:49.000 And why would you go, exactly?

00:18:50.000 Oh, these are rebels. 0.99

00:18:51.000 Well, I mean, there's a lot of people that have been there before because they, you know, these fucking knuckleheads, they think that they're... 0.99

00:18:58.000 You know, they're gonna, like, experience this amazing culture, and these people live a horrific war-like existence. 0.98

00:19:06.000 Go to Montecito.

00:19:08.000 Yeah, go to Montecito.

00:19:09.000 Go to Montecito.

00:19:09.000 Go to where Schultz got married.

00:19:11.000 I'm trying to find this for you, Jamie.

00:19:13.000 I know I got it. 0.99

00:19:15.000 That's fucking brutal. 0.99

00:19:15.000 Yeah, I'm working on Twitter, too. 0.99

00:19:16.000 I see some things, but I'm looking for specifically what you're saying.

00:19:19.000 Yeah, there's...

00:19:20.000 Oh, here it is.

00:19:20.000 I got it.

00:19:21.000 That's it.

00:19:22.000 That's it. 1.00

00:19:23.000 Look at this poor motherfucker. 1.00

00:19:24.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:19:25.000 Damn. 1.00

00:19:26.000 They got it right. 1.00

00:19:27.000 New Zealand pilot, so yeah.

00:19:29.000 Yeah.

00:19:30.000 Held by the rebels in West Papua region for 10 months.

00:19:33.000 Is that a jammy?

00:19:34.000 Jamie, here's the video.

00:19:35.000 I'm sending you the video.

00:19:36.000 How'd he fall into his hands?

00:19:36.000 Show him a little bit?

00:19:37.000 Look at that shit, man. 1.00

00:19:38.000 He fell into the hands of the Liberation Army after landing his Susie Air single engine plane on a remote airstrip. 1.00

00:19:44.000 The mountainous province of Nduga, while supporting locals, get home to remote parts of the country.

00:19:49.000 I see. 1.00

00:19:50.000 He's trying to fuck... 1.00

00:19:51.000 Oh, man. 1.00

00:19:52.000 And he's wearing the drip, too.

00:19:54.000 He's got the Papa's shirt on.

00:19:56.000 Yeah, he's got to.

00:19:57.000 He's like, I'm with you guys.

00:19:59.000 They probably can't even read it.

00:20:00.000 We don't know what that means.

00:20:01.000 Give us money.

00:20:03.000 I want money and all my brothers return to me. 1.00

00:20:06.000 We will fuck your mouth. 1.00

00:20:07.000 We fuck your mouth. 1.00

00:20:09.000 No matter what, we fuck your mouth. 1.00

00:20:11.000 We started mouth fucking. 1.00

00:20:13.000 Let us make a deal. 1.00

00:20:15.000 We'll let you go if you come back every three months. 1.00

00:20:20.000 Damn. 1.00

00:20:24.000 Damn. 1.00

00:20:26.000 Damn. 1.00

00:20:32.000 And this dude probably can't even understand a word what he's saying. 1.00

00:20:36.000 He's being pretty cool for...

00:20:37.000 Let me hear his voice, Jamie.

00:20:38.000 It's interesting. 0.99

00:20:45.000 You know how long it would take you to figure out what the fuck they're saying? 0.99

00:20:48.000 No chance I would ever know. 0.99

00:20:49.000 I think I would... 1.00

00:20:52.000 Damn, that poor dude. 0.99

00:20:56.000 He's been there for ten months. 1.00

00:20:58.000 That's brutal. 1.00

00:20:59.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

00:21:01.000 What do you think they let... 1.00

00:21:02.000 How does he wipe his ass, do you think? 1.00

00:21:04.000 Like, even the most minor parts would be brutal. 1.00

00:21:06.000 I bet he doesn't.

00:21:07.000 I bet he doesn't even bother anyone. 1.00

00:21:09.000 He just shits and puts his fucking shitty drawers back on. 1.00

00:21:12.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:21:13.000 He's probably got one sock on. 1.00

00:21:14.000 What's he eating?

00:21:15.000 Like, even the most basic stuff, let alone the 10...

00:21:19.000 They're the 40 guys with rifles. 0.99

00:21:21.000 Yeah, that dude lives in hell. 0.57

00:21:22.000 And I wonder if he can speak their language. 0.78

00:21:24.000 I wonder if he understands.

00:21:25.000 They got some pretty sophisticated rifling there.

00:21:27.000 Yeah, they look, I gotta say, they look cool.

00:21:29.000 Yeah, those are serious. 1.00

00:21:30.000 They look fucking sick. 1.00

00:21:31.000 Those are serious guns. 1.00

00:21:32.000 Let's make these guys the villains in an action movie.

00:21:35.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:21:36.000 They would be fucking awesome. 0.97

00:21:37.000 Let's get this guy out of there. 0.99

00:21:38.000 This is, like, so crazy. 0.99

00:21:40.000 They're all just no trigger discipline, all fucking pointed at him. 0.99

00:21:45.000 They have their fingers on the triggers. 0.98

00:21:47.000 Look at this guy on the left-hand side.

00:21:48.000 You're not supposed to do that.

00:21:50.000 You do that before you shoot. 1.00

00:21:51.000 You don't keep your finger on the fucking trigger. 1.00

00:21:54.000 That guy has his finger on the trigger. 1.00

00:21:56.000 Look, ready for one twitchy movement.

00:21:59.000 He's so close, too.

00:22:01.000 That's so crazy.

00:22:02.000 They all have their fingers on the triggers.

00:22:03.000 This feels like a Chris Hemsworth movie waiting to happen.

00:22:07.000 I extracted!

00:22:08.000 Yeah, Extraction 3. Boy, that does not end well.

00:22:15.000 I would do horrible in a kidnapping setting. 1.00

00:22:17.000 Dude, you get kidnapped on a fucking island. 1.00

00:22:19.000 I'm not coming out. 1.00

00:22:21.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:22:22.000 I would try and kill myself. 0.97

00:22:24.000 I mean, I guarantee you can't drink the water that they can drink. 0.99

00:22:28.000 No way.

00:22:31.000 There's people in certain parts of the world that are used to drinking dirty water, and they can survive off dirty water for whatever reason. 0.99

00:22:39.000 I don't know what the fuck that's all about, but they're like a horse. 0.98

00:22:41.000 You take a horse up to a river, they just drink out of the river. 0.99

00:22:44.000 Some people can do that.

00:22:46.000 We lost that a long time ago.

00:22:48.000 Too much clean water from the jump. 0.99

00:22:49.000 If we were drinking bullshit from the beginning. 0.99

00:22:51.000 We should be back to drinking puddle water. 1.00

00:22:54.000 Hell yeah, dude.

00:22:56.000 Now we're talking.

00:22:57.000 Straighten out the American gut biome.

00:22:59.000 That'll bring us back.

00:23:01.000 Yeah, that'll bring us back.

00:23:02.000 What brings us back at this point? 0.98

00:23:04.000 I'm fucking worried about America. 0.98

00:23:06.000 I really am. 0.99

00:23:07.000 I've never been worried about America until COVID. After COVID, I was like, oh, this might be the end.

00:23:12.000 This might be just like when you go to visit Greece and the Parthenon.

00:23:15.000 You're like, what happened?

00:23:16.000 Where's everybody? 1.00

00:23:17.000 You guys left behind this fucking dope-ass building. 1.00

00:23:20.000 They literally left it behind. 1.00

00:23:22.000 This was the first photo released back in March when they first He looks remarkably chill, I have to say.

00:23:29.000 Jesus Christ.

00:23:30.000 Look at the size of their arrows.

00:23:32.000 Their arrows are like seven feet long.

00:23:34.000 That's nuts. 0.95

00:23:35.000 I know I shouldn't be empathizing with these guys, but they look fucking awesome. 0.96

00:23:40.000 They look pretty badass. 0.98

00:23:41.000 They got fucking cool shorts. 1.00

00:23:42.000 You would not want to fuck with those dudes. 1.00

00:23:43.000 But they're pointing at random shit. 1.00

00:23:45.000 Look, they're looking down their scope. 0.99

00:23:47.000 Look where he's pointed to.

00:23:48.000 They're pointing at their friends.

00:23:50.000 Some of them are pointing at each other.

00:23:51.000 They're pointing at that log.

00:23:52.000 I shoot a log. 1.00

00:23:53.000 And this guy's shooting at the other guy's dick. 1.00

00:23:55.000 Look at him. 1.00

00:23:56.000 And he's got his...

00:23:57.000 Oh, he's got good trigger discipline, though.

00:23:59.000 The guy pointing at his friends has good trigger discipline. 0.99

00:24:01.000 But the guy to his right, to his right, to the left, that guy's got his fucking... 0.99

00:24:06.000 I can see the tension in his finger from here. 0.98

00:24:09.000 That guy looks awesome.

00:24:09.000 He's so nervous.

00:24:10.000 He's like, I want to be cool.

00:24:11.000 They're like, Mark, you get the little gun. 1.00

00:24:13.000 We don't trust you with the fucking cool shit. 1.00

00:24:15.000 This guy in the blue jacket, man. 1.00

00:24:17.000 He lives in hell. 0.98

00:24:18.000 Brutal stuff.

00:24:18.000 Ten months of that?

00:24:19.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:24:21.000 And how do they get you out without getting killed and them killing you? 1.00

00:24:24.000 It's probably really hard to do.

00:24:27.000 Because they realize how valuable it is to have some Westerner that they've got kidnapped. 0.61

00:24:32.000 Yeah.

00:24:33.000 What is the whole deal?

00:24:34.000 What do they want?

00:24:35.000 I'll try to find something out.

00:24:36.000 This is probably not gonna show it on this article.

00:24:40.000 What are the demands?

00:24:41.000 I was involved in talks to free a kidnapped Kiwi pilot.

00:24:44.000 Is that him? 0.99

00:24:46.000 Wow, this fucking guy's been there forever. 1.00

00:24:49.000 He's now been held hostage. 1.00

00:24:50.000 This was four months.

00:24:51.000 This was back in June.

00:24:53.000 He's been there since February 7th. 0.99

00:24:54.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:24:56.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:24:57.000 The Westpapao National Independence Army kidnapped him February 7, demanding Indonesia recognize Westpapao's independence. 1.00

00:25:06.000 Oh, this guy's fucked. 1.00

00:25:08.000 He's fucked. 1.00

00:25:08.000 He's gonna die. 1.00

00:25:09.000 I was hoping maybe they'd want a couple fucking Hot Pockets, maybe some Nutter Butters. 1.00

00:25:14.000 Recognize our independence. 1.00

00:25:15.000 Oh, bro, you're gonna have to kill that white boy. 1.00

00:25:17.000 That guy's done, dude. 1.00

00:25:18.000 That guy's done.

00:25:19.000 Yeah, he's got no chance. 0.98

00:25:20.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

00:25:22.000 Or you could just be like, alright, we did it. 0.98

00:25:26.000 Like, truly...

00:25:27.000 That's a promising picture.

00:25:29.000 Yeah, they're holding in.

00:25:30.000 Well, maybe they like the guy now.

00:25:32.000 I bet he's a cool dude.

00:25:33.000 He seems like a chill guy, to be honest with you.

00:25:35.000 Well, he probably legitimately is there trying to help people, so he's probably a good dude.

00:25:39.000 Which sucks even more that he got got. 0.99

00:25:41.000 Yeah, not some piece of shit. 1.00

00:25:43.000 Not some guy trying to start new slavery and pop up. 1.00

00:25:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:25:48.000 Some guy who's over there trafficking Filipino girls.

00:25:51.000 Right, right, right. 0.88

00:25:52.000 Let him go.

00:25:54.000 Why don't they fake a news broadcast?

00:25:57.000 They probably have one flat screen TV, those guys.

00:26:00.000 Pop in a USB. You know what I mean?

00:26:03.000 I bet they're a lot more sophisticated than we think.

00:26:06.000 Yeah, probably.

00:26:06.000 I think in this day and age, you can't pull the wool over anybody's eyes.

00:26:09.000 With cell phones?

00:26:11.000 I bet they have cell phones there.

00:26:12.000 24 hours. 0.99

00:26:13.000 Let's pretend Wes, Papa, whatever the fuck is a real country. 0.99

00:26:17.000 I bet Elon put a fucking satellite right above him. 0.99

00:26:19.000 Yeah, let's do that. 1.00

00:26:23.000 Fucking beam in Wolf Blitzer being like, alright, they're a fucking country now. 1.00

00:26:28.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:26:29.000 That guy's free.

00:26:30.000 Alright, I've got this.

00:26:31.000 I'm in charge of this.

00:26:31.000 Here's the most recent update about his situation, because they think he's dead.

00:26:35.000 Some people think he's dead.

00:26:37.000 He's still alive, very healthy.

00:26:40.000 Okay.

00:26:40.000 I just received a message from our teamwork just a few minutes ago, and they said that he is still alive.

00:26:46.000 He's very healthy at the moment.

00:26:48.000 I don't know about very healthy.

00:26:49.000 Very healthy.

00:26:51.000 We, the Liberation Fighters, give him very good hospitality, which is if he needs some medication or water or food or whatever, they will always provide since they captured him in February.

00:27:03.000 We have our own humanitarian team inside the TPNPB so that team looks after him.

00:27:10.000 His well-being and welfare are top priority.

00:27:13.000 Yeah, because he's your bargaining play.

00:27:14.000 But the thing is like once this guy is dead, They're coming for these folks.

00:27:20.000 They're coming for these folks.

00:27:21.000 I would imagine.

00:27:22.000 If that was an American, I would imagine. 0.99

00:27:27.000 Joey would have them dead. 1.00

00:27:28.000 That would fucking rally the troops. 1.00

00:27:30.000 If we get SEAL Team just blowing motherfuckers up, everybody would be wearing GoPros. 0.99

00:27:35.000 They'd edit it awesome, like an action movie. 0.98

00:27:38.000 Well, they wouldn't even have to hit the ground.

00:27:40.000 I mean, there's no one else there but them. 0.96

00:27:42.000 They'd just fucking storm overhead in jets or just use drones. 0.91

00:27:45.000 For the optics, though. 0.98

00:27:46.000 The optics are pretty dope. 0.63

00:27:47.000 It's got to be a jacked guy with a huge beard.

00:27:50.000 I think the jacked guys with the huge beards go in after the initial detonations.

00:27:55.000 Right.

00:27:55.000 Like the drones hit, boom, boom.

00:27:57.000 People are like...

00:27:58.000 They can't hear anything.

00:28:00.000 It's just smoke everywhere. 0.99

00:28:02.000 And then some fucking jacked seal with... 1.00

00:28:06.000 Yeah, an American flag tattoo on his fucking chest that's ripped. 1.00

00:28:09.000 Roka sunglasses on. 1.00

00:28:11.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:28:12.000 Give him a fake wound, you know what I mean? 0.99

00:28:14.000 He's not hurt at all, but we fucking slice his uniform open. 0.98

00:28:18.000 And then an actor, a paid actor, one of the guys from Captain Phillips. 0.98

00:28:22.000 We get him to pretend he's one of them, you know? 0.97

00:28:25.000 We fucking moon landing, moon landing 2.0. 0.97

00:28:28.000 Yeah, total wrong accent, everything. 1.00

00:28:31.000 People are like, hey man, that guy sounds fucking Mexican. 0.99

00:28:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. 0.99

00:28:37.000 Well, that's the thing with deep fakes. 0.95

00:28:39.000 They don't even have to fucking do that anymore. 0.98

00:28:41.000 You're right. 0.99

00:28:42.000 Deep fakes are so nuts.

00:28:44.000 I know, dude. 0.96

00:28:44.000 They're so nuts. 0.96

00:28:45.000 I was watching this Greta Thunberg deep fake one about electric vibrators. 0.98

00:28:50.000 I was like, this is so crazy.

00:28:52.000 I was watching Obama Ice Spice.

00:28:55.000 That was pretty good. 1.00

00:28:58.000 Talking about his big fat ass. 1.00

00:29:00.000 There's a Trump rap song out. 1.00

00:29:02.000 Yeah.

00:29:02.000 There's an AI Trump rap where Trump raps.

00:29:05.000 Let's see.

00:29:06.000 I don't like that because it's taking jobs out of good Trump impersonators.

00:29:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:29:13.000 That's money out of Shane's pocket.

00:29:17.000 AI has gone too far.

00:29:19.000 Yeah.

00:29:20.000 Yeah.

00:29:21.000 What happens with that guy?

00:29:22.000 With who?

00:29:23.000 Shane?

00:29:23.000 Trump.

00:29:24.000 Trump?

00:29:25.000 Shane's doing great.

00:29:26.000 Shane's doing great.

00:29:27.000 He just bought a Mercedes.

00:29:27.000 I know.

00:29:28.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.92

00:29:29.000 I took him to the Mercedes dealership. 0.99

00:29:31.000 I was the fucking hype man. 0.99

00:29:33.000 Dude. 0.99

00:29:33.000 I was in the backseat going, dude. 0.99

00:29:35.000 I was telling him about all the features.

00:29:36.000 Dude, the back wheel steer.

00:29:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:29:38.000 Dude, he was...

00:29:39.000 So I went...

00:29:40.000 When I was here last, when I was at the mothership, I... I just...

00:29:44.000 I wanted to hit the pool. 0.98

00:29:46.000 I was like, yo Shane, let's fucking hang out. 0.96

00:29:47.000 And he wasn't there. 0.98

00:29:48.000 He was like, you can just go hang out at my house.

00:29:50.000 I'm the first person to ever... 0.98

00:29:51.000 I was just alone in Shane's house doing fucking cannonballs into his pool looking at his car. 0.98

00:29:56.000 I was just like, go in. 0.99

00:29:58.000 That's awesome.

00:29:58.000 Feel it.

00:29:59.000 His house is dope.

00:30:00.000 Dude, it's out of control.

00:30:01.000 It's very nice.

00:30:02.000 Beautiful place.

00:30:03.000 Oh my god.

00:30:04.000 I'm so happy for him.

00:30:05.000 I'm so happy he's here too.

00:30:06.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:30:06.000 It's so awesome having him at the club all the time, working on new shit. 0.98

00:30:10.000 It's like, we got a great vibe there now. 0.99

00:30:13.000 Dude, the club fucking rules, dude. 0.99

00:30:14.000 It's so fun. 0.99

00:30:15.000 It's so awesome.

00:30:16.000 It really is.

00:30:17.000 It's so fun.

00:30:18.000 Yeah, it's nice to just pop in. 1.00

00:30:20.000 You got the fucking... 0.99

00:30:20.000 The Bottom of the Barrel show's fun. 0.99

00:30:24.000 You're just fucking riffing. 0.99

00:30:25.000 The crowds are always good. 1.00

00:30:26.000 Bottom of the Barrel show is literally like a factory for premises.

00:30:30.000 You know, even if you can't recreate the moment...

00:30:33.000 There's something in there.

00:30:34.000 Because a lot of times it's like there's a crazy moment that makes you go down a certain path.

00:30:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:40.000 But you have to figure out how to get to that.

00:30:42.000 Moment.

00:30:43.000 Yeah, well, when you're on stage, it's like, and you're not, you're only using, it's like survival mode.

00:30:48.000 So it's like, you haven't pre-thought of anything, and there's some deep part of your brain that just something awesome will come out of that.

00:30:53.000 Yeah.

00:30:54.000 10% of the time.

00:30:55.000 Yeah, but that's enough. 1.00

00:30:56.000 But that 10% is fucking, that's some good shit right there. 1.00

00:30:58.000 Every now and then. 0.99

00:30:59.000 Yeah, I got two last week that are like legit, that I'm like watering them.

00:31:03.000 Yeah.

00:31:04.000 I'm like, okay, you're gonna be a tree someday, little Billy.

00:31:07.000 Come on, little buddy. 0.99

00:31:07.000 Put a little splint in it, one of the leafs is going fucking... 0.99

00:31:11.000 It's the most fun thing in comedy, is the new bits, new premises. 0.97

00:31:15.000 Making something work.

00:31:16.000 It's the only thing that feels good.

00:31:18.000 It's like even being like, you know, even a sold-out theater, it's cool, but a new joke in a shitty bar feels ten times better than selling out a 3,000 seat theater.

00:31:29.000 Yeah, when something cracks for the first time and you realize you got something, you're like, oh boy.

00:31:34.000 Oh yeah.

00:31:35.000 Because there's this process of creation that's just so weird.

00:31:39.000 You never know.

00:31:41.000 One day I'm going to run out of new ideas.

00:31:43.000 One day I'm going to run out of new jokes.

00:31:44.000 I'm going to be like those guys that just have the same material for 50 years.

00:31:47.000 I know.

00:31:48.000 And that was what it...

00:31:49.000 I mean, it does feel weird because it's like...

00:31:51.000 I do feel like... 0.99

00:31:53.000 The last 10 years, there's been a real shift in, like, you just gotta fucking be putting shit out. 0.98

00:31:59.000 Well, there's so much content out there, and there's also so many people that come to comedy now. 0.99

00:32:04.000 I don't think comedy has ever been bigger.

00:32:06.000 Ever.

00:32:07.000 There's way more comics selling out arenas.

00:32:09.000 There's way more comics that have specials.

00:32:11.000 Yeah.

00:32:12.000 For example, Fat Rascal on Netflix, December 5th.

00:32:15.000 Oh my god, that comes out tomorrow.

00:32:16.000 That comes out tomorrow, yeah.

00:32:19.000 Stavos!

00:32:20.000 That's Fat Rascal.

00:32:21.000 Shot here in the beautiful Paramount Theater. 1.00

00:32:24.000 Great fucking theater. 1.00

00:32:24.000 Really fucking awesome. 1.00

00:32:25.000 Cool old school theater. 0.93

00:32:27.000 Yeah, dude. 0.99

00:32:27.000 It was fucking insane. 0.99

00:32:28.000 Houdini's hooks are up there. 0.97

00:32:31.000 Oh my god.

00:32:31.000 Houdini performed there?

00:32:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:33.000 Wow.

00:32:33.000 No, it was crazy.

00:32:35.000 Wow, I didn't know Houdini came to Austin.

00:32:37.000 Houdini was out there, dude.

00:32:38.000 Houdini hit the road like Bert Kreischer.

00:32:39.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:32:40.000 Look at you.

00:32:41.000 Fat Rascal.

00:32:42.000 You look like Ron Jeremy, though.

00:32:43.000 Yeah, I know.

00:32:44.000 A little bit.

00:32:45.000 I do.

00:32:45.000 I have that vibe.

00:32:46.000 Kind of a lot. 1.00

00:32:48.000 That's the, you know, Ron Jeremy with maybe one-eighth of the penis. 0.99

00:32:52.000 That's kind of what we're going for there. 1.00

00:32:55.000 It is tough to be compared to a guy who was historically ugly, but his saving grace was a huge dick and my dick is little. 1.00

00:33:04.000 Not a great... 1.00

00:33:06.000 Well, I think back then, porn stars, they wanted him to be ugly so that guys didn't feel bad. 0.93

00:33:11.000 Didn't feel threatened. 0.90

00:33:11.000 Some good-looking guy. 0.90

00:33:12.000 Like, if you're at home whacking off and some good-looking guy is getting laid, you're like, fuck him. 1.00

00:33:17.000 Who the fuck is this guy? 1.00

00:33:18.000 Who does he think he is? 1.00

00:33:19.000 Look at him with a six-pack piece of shit. 1.00

00:33:21.000 You want a guy who looks like Ron Jeremy. 1.00

00:33:23.000 That's true.

00:33:24.000 Maybe we can take it to the next level. 0.99

00:33:25.000 Maybe there's little dick porn has to start now. 1.00

00:33:27.000 I think they already have that in other countries. 0.99

00:33:30.000 You mean just all Japanese porn? 0.93

00:33:32.000 Is that what you're saying? 0.99

00:33:32.000 I didn't say that. 0.99

00:33:33.000 You did.

00:33:34.000 Boy, I don't know why you said that.

00:33:37.000 I felt it. 1.00

00:33:40.000 You know what's weird about Japanese porn is they have to blur out the dicks and the vaginas. 1.00

00:33:45.000 They blur out penetration. 1.00

00:33:47.000 Yeah.

00:33:48.000 It's very strange.

00:33:49.000 What happened?

00:33:50.000 I don't understand it.

00:33:51.000 I mean, what are you protecting by making confusion as to whether or not someone's...

00:33:57.000 I mean, you really don't have to have any real porn because it's all blurred out. 0.93

00:34:02.000 Yeah, I mean, I will say I have jacked off to the blurred out porn. 0.96

00:34:05.000 Interesting. 0.98

00:34:06.000 And it's not...

00:34:07.000 Did you have no other choice?

00:34:09.000 Could your hard drive crash?

00:34:10.000 Sometimes I'm in the zone, Joe.

00:34:12.000 Sometimes you want to switch it up, you know? 0.90

00:34:14.000 I like a big pillowy Asian titty to jack off to, you know? 1.00

00:34:19.000 And you want to get those straight from the source, you know? 0.85

00:34:22.000 You want to get Japanese stuff.

00:34:24.000 They're making cool noises. 0.79

00:34:25.000 You don't want someone who's been BBL'd in the titties. 1.00

00:34:28.000 Listen, I didn't say that.

00:34:30.000 I'm just saying I want it all.

00:34:31.000 Give me a sampler pack.

00:34:32.000 A little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of authentic.

00:34:34.000 Grass-fed.

00:34:35.000 Authentic cuisine.

00:34:36.000 Yeah, you want to go to Chinatown sometimes to want Chinese food.

00:34:39.000 Yeah, you don't want Panda Express.

00:34:41.000 No, no.

00:34:42.000 You want to get the real deal.

00:34:43.000 A little Panda Express will hit the spot.

00:34:44.000 It's not bad every now and then if you're at the mall and you want some orange chicken. 1.00

00:34:48.000 If you're at the mall getting your dick sucked by a Zara employee in the bathroom. 1.00

00:34:53.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:34:54.000 Just taking the metaphor to its logical conclusion.

00:34:56.000 Go as far as you can go with it.

00:34:58.000 I support your thought process. 0.99

00:35:00.000 But yeah, I will, I don't know, sometimes I feel worldly jacking off to Japanese porn. 1.00

00:35:06.000 You know, like watching a foreign film. 0.98

00:35:08.000 Like a guy who like, yeah, a guy who brags about reading old books.

00:35:12.000 Right, right, right.

00:35:13.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:35:14.000 It's like watching a Godard film or whatever, you know?

00:35:17.000 When I first met Callan, first time I ever went over to his apartment, he leaves books laying out as if he's reading them.

00:35:25.000 Like he had like Steinbeck of Mice and Men. 0.99

00:35:27.000 And I go, hey, motherfucker, I know you're not reading this. 0.99

00:35:29.000 Also, that's when you read in high school. 1.00

00:35:31.000 His eyebrows raised, he goes, I do read it.

00:35:35.000 I go, you don't, do you?

00:35:37.000 You want people to think you're interesting.

00:35:38.000 So you leave these books out.

00:35:40.000 You do, right?

00:35:42.000 By people, I mean girls.

00:35:43.000 Of course.

00:35:44.000 You want girls to think you're interesting, so you leave these books out, pretending that you're worldly.

00:35:48.000 You know what's so funny?

00:35:49.000 Is that I have an e-reader thing, and I was reading You know, some book about, like I was reading like about Goodfellas or like, you know, some trashy like, or not even trashy, but like a detective thing.

00:35:59.000 And then I switched it up to like, you know, something smart on the outside. 0.92

00:36:04.000 Some shit about like civil rights or something like that. 0.92

00:36:09.000 You can switch it on the outside? 0.99

00:36:11.000 You can switch it on the outside.

00:36:12.000 I've done that before.

00:36:14.000 What does the outside look like?

00:36:15.000 It's just like a screen.

00:36:18.000 There's an outside screen, too?

00:36:19.000 Yeah, just the screen, right, of the e-reader, and it'll just show what you're reading. 0.83

00:36:23.000 And I was reading, like I said, some fucking book about, you know, oh, I was reading about the Phoenix Sun, Seven Seconds or Less. 0.99

00:36:31.000 I read a lot of basketball books, you know, that kind of shit. 0.99

00:36:33.000 And then a girl was coming, and I was like... 1.00

00:36:35.000 Let's do some fucking... 0.99

00:36:35.000 I don't even know what I had. 0.99

00:36:36.000 Some book I started, never even finished.

00:36:39.000 I was like, let's get this bad boy.

00:36:40.000 Let's pretend I'm smart. 0.99

00:36:41.000 Or even like shit girls like, like a Murakami book, you know? 0.99

00:36:45.000 What's a Murakami book? 0.99

00:36:46.000 He's good, dude.

00:36:46.000 Those are good books.

00:36:47.000 They're like dreamy Japanese book.

00:36:49.000 Back to the Japanese thing. 1.00

00:36:50.000 I don't know.

00:36:51.000 It's a book about...

00:36:53.000 The guy does a lot of like magic... 1.00

00:36:54.000 It's like some magical realism shit. 0.99

00:36:56.000 It's all about... 1.00

00:36:57.000 It's always like a guy... 0.89

00:37:01.000 There's always an insane woman who has BPD, and it's always some nerd. 1.00

00:37:05.000 And in the book, the nerd always fucks the girl really well. 0.99

00:37:09.000 I don't know what that is about. 0.97

00:37:10.000 Check it out, man.

00:37:11.000 These are Men Without Women. 1.00

00:37:13.000 Haruki Murakami.

00:37:14.000 Great stuff.

00:37:14.000 What I Talk About When I Talk About Running.

00:37:17.000 I haven't read that one.

00:37:18.000 Huh.

00:37:19.000 Norwegian Wood.

00:37:20.000 Norwegian Wood's good.

00:37:21.000 I know that guy.

00:37:22.000 I've seen his work.

00:37:23.000 Yeah.

00:37:24.000 It's blurred out, but it's good.

00:37:26.000 He's the reason why Ron Jeremy had a career.

00:37:27.000 Yeah, just some blonde 6'4 guy. 1.00

00:37:31.000 Some Fabio-looking motherfucker with a giant hog. 1.00

00:37:33.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00

00:37:34.000 Yeah, and Norwegian Wood, he fucks two. 1.00

00:37:37.000 He fucks an old lady and a young woman. 1.00

00:37:39.000 Wow. 1.00

00:37:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:40.000 That shows you what I'm getting out of literature, by the way.

00:37:42.000 It's just that it looks like... 1.00

00:37:46.000 There's some fucking like professor listening to this like that guy's dumb as shit. 1.00

00:37:50.000 That's what he gets out of Murakami, but what can I say? 1.00

00:37:52.000 Hey.

00:37:53.000 They're nice dreamlike books.

00:37:54.000 Art is open to interpretation.

00:37:56.000 Different people get different things.

00:37:57.000 I'm a simple man.

00:37:58.000 I see things through one lens.

00:38:00.000 You should be you.

00:38:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:38:02.000 You need to be those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:38:04.000 How many professors have you ever met that are happy? 1.00

00:38:06.000 They seem perpetually conflicted and tortured. 1.00

00:38:10.000 Just the ones who fuck their students, I'm pretty sure. 1.00

00:38:12.000 And they can't do that anymore. 0.99

00:38:13.000 That was like the main reason to be a professor.

00:38:16.000 Back in the Feynman days, those guys all banged their graduate students.

00:38:21.000 That was like part of the thing.

00:38:23.000 You get these really hot 22-year-old students that are enamored by this amazing professor with his PhD.

00:38:30.000 Full library of books that he probably hasn't read even.

00:38:33.000 He actually probably has read them, which is even more incredible.

00:38:36.000 He's not running a scam.

00:38:38.000 Exactly.

00:38:38.000 That's the payoff.

00:38:39.000 Yeah, you think in the application process or the interview process, they're like, look, we can't offer you that much money, but here's a picture of all the girls that got in this year.

00:38:50.000 Here's how good.

00:38:51.000 Here's the quality.

00:38:52.000 No, not only do they get paid well, they get tenure.

00:38:54.000 So they can't even get fired.

00:38:56.000 But I bet they can get fired now if they bang their students. 0.99

00:38:59.000 Yeah.

00:38:59.000 Also, I feel like higher...

00:39:01.000 Yeah, I think higher ed in general is fucked. 0.99

00:39:02.000 When do you think they stopped banging their students? 1.00

00:39:04.000 Was it the same time they stopped fucking kids? 1.00

00:39:07.000 Definitely after that. 0.99

00:39:08.000 I think that was like...

00:39:09.000 More recent?

00:39:09.000 I think that was more recent.

00:39:10.000 I think people are still picking their spots and fucking their students. 0.99

00:39:14.000 Really? 1.00

00:39:14.000 Grads... 1.00

00:39:15.000 I think it's up to grad student now, though. 1.00

00:39:16.000 I don't think you can fuck an undergrad. 0.99

00:39:18.000 When I was in high school, my friend, she was 17. She was dating a Spanish teacher. 0.99

00:39:23.000 I mean, that guy should go to jail.

00:39:25.000 He was cool.

00:39:27.000 He was the cool Spanish teacher.

00:39:29.000 Oh, he was bringing in paella.

00:39:29.000 He was like 25. I mean, relatively, the age gap wasn't that big.

00:39:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:36.000 Still, she's a student at the school. 0.87

00:39:39.000 Yeah, but she was a little predator. 0.67

00:39:41.000 Yeah, she was.

00:39:45.000 Yeah, I think at that time, that's the last hurrah of the Hades.

00:39:51.000 Once people started reading about the effects of it, like, hey.

00:39:54.000 This is kind of strange.

00:39:55.000 Yeah, what do you...

00:39:56.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

00:39:57.000 Maybe fuck a 21-year-old. 1.00

00:39:58.000 Yeah, and also, if you're a teacher... 1.00

00:40:01.000 And you can affect their grades.

00:40:04.000 How often does that happen?

00:40:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:05.000 That must have been a big factor.

00:40:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:40:08.000 Big factor.

00:40:09.000 Oh, yeah.

00:40:10.000 You're a professor, and if you're banging a student, you give her A's?

00:40:14.000 Yeah.

00:40:15.000 Seems, you know.

00:40:16.000 And if she's a sociopath, and she just wants to get ahead no matter what. 0.77

00:40:20.000 Sure.

00:40:20.000 Yeah.

00:40:21.000 Look, there's definitely... 0.98

00:40:22.000 It's the thing where you're like, the guy's gotta stop it, because it's like, yeah, just because somebody wants to fuck you doesn't mean it's right. 0.98

00:40:29.000 Well, it's also, like, if you're a professor, and you're just... 0.98

00:40:33.000 I mean, literally, that's like you're setting up their career.

00:40:37.000 Yeah.

00:40:37.000 And you hold...

00:40:38.000 You just hold too much juice over whether or not they're gonna get an A, and whether or not that's gonna allow... 0.99

00:40:45.000 Yeah, the power dynamics are all fucked. 0.99

00:40:45.000 It's crazy. 0.99

00:40:47.000 Yeah.

00:40:47.000 But it's also corruption.

00:40:49.000 Because, like... 0.98

00:40:50.000 Without a doubt, there has been grades that were given to people that professors fucked that they didn't deserve. 0.98

00:40:56.000 Without a doubt. 0.98

00:40:57.000 Without question.

00:40:58.000 Without question.

00:40:59.000 I need to do zero research to make this confidently.

00:41:01.000 Yeah, I'm with you.

00:41:02.000 I'm doubling down.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, so that alone.

00:41:05.000 It's like, imagine if you hire someone for a firm, and you're like, look, she's got straight A's.

00:41:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:41:10.000 And then she gets into the job, and she's like, she's a moron. 1.00

00:41:13.000 Like, what happened? 1.00

00:41:14.000 She fucked everybody. 1.00

00:41:15.000 Maybe that's the pay gap. 1.00

00:41:18.000 You know, it started there.

00:41:19.000 There was an ad from, like, the 1950s about a secretary, and it was something about, uh, has your boss been ignoring you? 0.99

00:41:27.000 Maybe you needed to change your smell and, like, put different fucking deodorant on and shit. 0.97

00:41:32.000 But literally they were advertising that a secretary's, like, that that was the goal, that a secretary had. 0.99

00:41:39.000 You tried to get the boss to fall in love with him.

00:41:41.000 Get a husband. 0.99

00:41:42.000 Yeah, going to college and being a secretary for a while was just like, all right, if you don't graduate with an English degree and a husband, you fucking wasted your four years. 0.65

00:41:53.000 I wonder if we're going to look back in the future about women entering into the workforce and, like, being forced to do... 0.87

00:42:00.000 If anyone's going to make a long-term analysis of the shift in culture that that brought about.

00:42:07.000 Because it's pretty...

00:42:07.000 Between that and birth control.

00:42:09.000 Yeah.

00:42:10.000 So those two things...

00:42:12.000 Just changed the options for women. 1.00

00:42:14.000 Totally.

00:42:15.000 Entirely.

00:42:16.000 Yeah.

00:42:16.000 Like, you know, every time you have sex, you don't have to worry about getting knocked up.

00:42:19.000 Every time. 0.99

00:42:20.000 Imagine if you're a woman, like a guy just wants to fuck, and you're like, I'm not, I don't think we should do this. 0.99

00:42:24.000 You don't have a condom. 0.99

00:42:25.000 It's like, don't worry about it.

00:42:26.000 I'll pull out.

00:42:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:42:27.000 And meanwhile, you might have all fucking human life grow inside you. 1.00

00:42:31.000 That's brutal. 1.00

00:42:32.000 And he's going to whack off six hours from now.

00:42:34.000 100%.

00:42:34.000 He's just trying to get rid of loads.

00:42:36.000 Just trying to get, yeah, trying to get the poison out.

00:42:38.000 And if you're a guy, and, you know, when back in those days, when, I mean, you gotta imagine, it's hard for us to even contextualize what it must have been like before birth control.

00:42:50.000 And then there's the other thing. 0.98

00:42:51.000 The birth control pill is fucking terrible for them. 1.00

00:42:55.000 Terrible for them. 0.99

00:42:56.000 No, I know a lot of my friends will just go off, they'll just be like, it's not worth it.

00:43:00.000 Like, if you get out of your early 20s, no kid, you're like, alright. 1.00

00:43:04.000 I can't do this to my fucking body anymore. 0.99

00:43:06.000 Well, it changes the way you view the world. 1.00

00:43:08.000 It changes the way what women are attracted to. 1.00

00:43:11.000 It changes everything.

00:43:13.000 Yeah.

00:43:13.000 You're ingesting a pill that tricks your body into thinking you're already pregnant, which is just nuts.

00:43:20.000 So you're walking around perpetually pregnant. 0.98

00:43:22.000 Interesting.

00:43:23.000 Yeah.

00:43:23.000 So you just want, like, to feel safe, I guess.

00:43:25.000 I wonder.

00:43:27.000 I mean, it's got to have some...

00:43:28.000 I mean, there must be a way to...

00:43:30.000 I mean, with really intelligent women to rationalize and understand what's going on. 1.00

00:43:34.000 But for a lot of them, that shift in the hormonal balance, it has a significant impact on what you do.

00:43:41.000 No, that totally makes sense. 0.98

00:43:42.000 I wonder why the fuck we don't have any, like, sign me up for the guy pill. 0.99

00:43:46.000 You don't want the guy pill. 0.99

00:43:47.000 Let me be able to bust.

00:43:47.000 Why?

00:43:48.000 Because the guy pill kills your testosterone. 0.57

00:43:50.000 They gave a guy pill and it turned a guy trans. 1.00

00:43:53.000 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:43:55.000 Your shoulders slump. 1.00

00:43:56.000 Damn. 1.00

00:43:57.000 Would my tits get awesome? 1.00

00:43:58.000 Your tits would get great. 1.00

00:44:00.000 They'd be juicy. 1.00

00:44:01.000 You could fucking squirt on the lens. 0.99

00:44:04.000 I feel like there's no other way. 1.00

00:44:07.000 Was there like some fake vasectomy shit you could do? 0.99

00:44:10.000 Well, there's a real vasectomy that you can do. 0.99

00:44:13.000 Guys can get their tubes tied, and they supposedly can put them back together again.

00:44:17.000 But it's not 100%.

00:44:19.000 It might be scar tissue.

00:44:21.000 And you don't want a freeze nut.

00:44:24.000 Frozen nuts not coming out thawed nice. 0.99

00:44:26.000 What kind of psychopath baby are you going to have with frozen nuts? 0.97

00:44:29.000 This baby's been frozen. 0.99

00:44:31.000 Moving slow.

00:44:33.000 Frozen for 30 years.

00:44:35.000 Frostbitten.

00:44:36.000 Bro, have you ever read in there how many doctors use their own jizz in fertility clinics? 0.52

00:44:39.000 Crazy, dude. 0.99

00:44:40.000 It's nuts. 1.00

00:44:40.000 What's even the fucking... 1.00

00:44:42.000 The psychology of that is insane to me. 0.99

00:44:45.000 I mean, I guess...

00:44:45.000 Because it's like, you think it's an animalistic thing to want to spread your seed, right?

00:44:51.000 On some evolutionary level.

00:44:52.000 But we've taken...

00:44:53.000 You're eight steps away from that, right?

00:44:55.000 Where you're not even getting...

00:44:56.000 Like, I could see... 1.00

00:44:58.000 The weird trying to fuck your patients. 1.00

00:45:02.000 Meanwhile, they don't even want to know the kids. 1.00

00:45:04.000 That's even more insane. 1.00

00:45:06.000 They just literally want their shit out there. 0.99

00:45:10.000 Well, Brett Weinstein, who's an evolutionary biologist, he explained to me the difference between beautiful and hot. 0.99

00:45:17.000 He goes, you know the difference between beautiful and hot?

00:45:18.000 I'm like...

00:45:19.000 There's a difference?

00:45:20.000 What's the difference?

00:45:21.000 He goes, hot is someone that's not going to require anything from you. 0.99

00:45:26.000 You could just have sex with them right away. 0.88

00:45:28.000 And that, from an evolutionary perspective, gives you an opportunity to spread your seed without having any sort of commitment. 0.72

00:45:38.000 Whereas beautiful is someone that you want to settle down with and commit with.

00:45:42.000 Renaissance painting.

00:45:43.000 Little chubby lady in the corner, you know what I mean? 1.00

00:45:45.000 Sweet face.

00:45:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:45:48.000 I think, you know, that thing, that was lost on me.

00:45:51.000 I never even thought about that before.

00:45:52.000 Yeah, I guess I consider like hot...

00:45:56.000 More almost, like, dangerous on some level, too.

00:45:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:00.000 Like the Megan Fox archetype of, like, almost evil.

00:46:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:05.000 Like, I'm a little scared.

00:46:06.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:07.000 She's got, like, a... 0.87

00:46:08.000 No, tell me what you mean.

00:46:08.000 Okay, so you ever seen...

00:46:10.000 Okay, she's got, like, the features where it's, like, if she was a villain in something.

00:46:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:15.000 Like, Jennifer's Body, that horror movie.

00:46:17.000 She was perfect for it.

00:46:18.000 Because it's, like, there is an edge to her.

00:46:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:21.000 There's, like, an edge to someone who has, like...

00:46:23.000 Who has like, you know, like almost femme fatale, but like not trying to hide what she is. 0.97

00:46:31.000 She's just like so just, yeah, I don't know.

00:46:35.000 I just see something.

00:46:36.000 Scarlett Johansson has that.

00:46:37.000 Did you ever see that alien movie that she did?

00:46:39.000 I think it's called Under the Skin.

00:46:42.000 Oh, I haven't seen it.

00:46:43.000 It's really good.

00:46:44.000 She can definitely turn it on.

00:46:45.000 You're right.

00:46:45.000 But she also has kind of like softer features, too.

00:46:48.000 There's like an angular thing.

00:46:50.000 Angelina Jolie, maybe.

00:46:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:51.000 There's an angular thing to it.

00:46:53.000 There's almost like, I guess, the Black Widow feel to it.

00:46:59.000 Where it's like man-eater.

00:47:01.000 This kind of thing where it's like...

00:47:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:05.000 Watch out, boy.

00:47:06.000 She'll chew you up. 1.00

00:47:07.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:47:08.000 Something like that.

00:47:09.000 A song that two gay guys wrote.

00:47:11.000 The Scarlett Johansson movie.

00:47:12.000 Those guys are in a legal battle with each other.

00:47:14.000 Oh, man.

00:47:15.000 That's a shame.

00:47:16.000 Sad.

00:47:16.000 Hall and Oates.

00:47:17.000 If they can't get along, who can?

00:47:18.000 I know.

00:47:19.000 Hall and Oates are going to court.

00:47:21.000 Some nice, easy listening.

00:47:22.000 Yeah.

00:47:23.000 How's Hall and Oates fighting? 0.98

00:47:24.000 That sucks, dude. 0.97

00:47:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:47:26.000 But that Scarlett Johansson movie, she plays an alien that kills people. 1.00

00:47:30.000 An alien that kills guys. 0.98

00:47:32.000 So she seduces these guys and kills them. 1.00

00:47:34.000 Oh, I love that. 1.00

00:47:35.000 Classic.

00:47:35.000 It's really interesting.

00:47:36.000 It's very original.

00:47:39.000 Very interesting movie.

00:47:40.000 I haven't seen that one.

00:47:41.000 Is that what it's called?

00:47:41.000 Is it called Under the Skin?

00:47:43.000 Show a clip of it.

00:47:47.000 She is insanely hot. 1.00

00:47:48.000 She's insanely hot. 1.00

00:47:49.000 She's hot in the really intelligent, hot woman category. 1.00

00:47:53.000 But you know, she almost straddle. 1.00

00:47:55.000 Definitely.

00:47:56.000 But there's a softness. 0.93

00:47:57.000 I guess big titties is also what I'm talking about. 0.93

00:48:00.000 Round nose. 0.91

00:48:01.000 I guess I'm thinking about a sharp nose.

00:48:03.000 Right. 0.68

00:48:03.000 You're thinking of Nazis. 0.68

00:48:06.000 Some bitch in leather. 1.00

00:48:08.000 She's going to put a ball gag in my mouth. 1.00

00:48:10.000 With one of those SS helmets on. 1.00

00:48:12.000 Oh shit. 1.00

00:48:13.000 Sounds pretty cool. 1.00

00:48:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:48:18.000 Oh damn. 1.00

00:48:22.000 So she assimilates. 1.00

00:48:30.000 Oh man, I would be toast.

00:48:38.000 So she picks up these guys and takes them home. 0.99

00:48:43.000 Come to me. 1.00

00:48:48.000 Well, what the fuck. 1.00

00:48:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:48:55.000 It's pretty interesting.

00:48:56.000 It would be so easy to track me.

00:48:58.000 It would be so easy to track me.

00:49:04.000 It just shows you, like, if aliens wanted to take over, they would just have to be hot women. 1.00

00:49:09.000 Dude. 0.99

00:49:09.000 Hot manipulative women. 0.99

00:49:11.000 And that's the thing. 0.99

00:49:13.000 It's like, yeah, just a hot woman. 1.00

00:49:15.000 See, that's the thing.

00:49:16.000 She's not even, like, that evil thing I'm talking about because that would almost be too on the nose. 0.99

00:49:19.000 You want just, like, a hot...

00:49:21.000 Nice woman who's just like... 1.00

00:49:23.000 Hot, a little bit soft.

00:49:24.000 A little bit soft.

00:49:25.000 She has a little softness to her.

00:49:27.000 Absolutely.

00:49:27.000 You don't want the angular thing because that would...

00:49:29.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:49:30.000 I would still get trapped.

00:49:31.000 But going into it, I'd be like, I'm probably going to die.

00:49:34.000 Right. 0.98

00:49:34.000 You'd go into it going, she's probably a Nazi. 0.98

00:49:36.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:49:37.000 Look at her face.

00:49:38.000 Yeah.

00:49:38.000 Look at those perfect cheeks.

00:49:40.000 It's the Aryan race defined. 0.99

00:49:43.000 Yeah, I mean, the places I've gone for head are so scary. 1.00

00:49:47.000 Like, the fucking back... 0.95

00:49:49.000 I hooked up this one girl I didn't know at all off the internet who was like... 0.98

00:49:52.000 I was like, what's your address?

00:49:54.000 And she was like, let me just drop you a pin.

00:49:55.000 And I had to go through, like, an alley into a back entrance.

00:49:59.000 Did you worry you were getting set up?

00:50:00.000 100%.

00:50:00.000 And at the same time, I was like...

00:50:03.000 I hope I don't get fucking killed. 0.99

00:50:04.000 But I didn't stop. 1.00

00:50:05.000 And then I went and I fucked her. 1.00

00:50:07.000 It was cool. 1.00

00:50:07.000 But I was like, damn, thank God. 1.00

00:50:09.000 This would have been so easy. 0.99

00:50:10.000 So many different ways to get abducted.

00:50:13.000 I'm sure guys are getting got like that all the time.

00:50:15.000 Constantly.

00:50:15.000 People getting robbed off Tinder.

00:50:17.000 For sure.

00:50:18.000 It has to be.

00:50:19.000 What's the, like, a scary young Boston Joe... 0.99

00:50:22.000 You ever go into like a fucking scary place to get sucked off? 0.98

00:50:25.000 No, I'm lucky I never had. 0.99

00:50:27.000 You were a girlfriend guy?

00:50:28.000 I never had a situation where I was like going into a dangerous situation for sex.

00:50:34.000 Never.

00:50:34.000 You were a cute kid.

00:50:36.000 I was pretty cute.

00:50:37.000 I was boy friendly.

00:50:39.000 Boy handsome.

00:50:40.000 Boy pretty.

00:50:41.000 A little Freudian slip.

00:50:42.000 Boy friendly.

00:50:43.000 It's all that pop out New Guinea talk.

00:50:46.000 You had those soft lips? 1.00

00:50:48.000 I've seen that little pic of you with the fucking earring, the earring in the leather jacket. 1.00

00:50:52.000 That's not good for comedy though. 1.00

00:50:54.000 I'm funnier being ugly.

00:50:56.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:50:57.000 Yeah, when you get older, you're funnier.

00:50:58.000 Absolutely.

00:50:59.000 It's like Matt Reif. 1.00

00:51:01.000 He takes a lot of shit because he's too beautiful. 1.00

00:51:03.000 Yeah, tough. 1.00

00:51:04.000 Yeah.

00:51:05.000 Tall, handsome, perfect hair.

00:51:07.000 You know?

00:51:08.000 It's too handsome.

00:51:09.000 A handsome Squidward jaw. 0.99

00:51:10.000 People shit on him for zero reason. 0.99

00:51:12.000 For being sexy. 1.00

00:51:13.000 If he was a little guy with glasses doing the same act, no one would be mad at him.

00:51:17.000 Yeah, but he wouldn't get as much attention though.

00:51:20.000 Probably wouldn't.

00:51:21.000 That's the double-edged sword, right?

00:51:22.000 Right.

00:51:23.000 It's like a bunch of horny women aren't coming out to a nebbishy, to 20-year-old Ari that you met with Matt Reif's act. 1.00

00:51:31.000 He's not selling out fucking arenas. 0.99

00:51:33.000 That is true. 0.99

00:51:34.000 He's got that going for him.

00:51:36.000 The audience is like half milfs.

00:51:38.000 Totally.

00:51:39.000 It's a MILF thing. 0.54

00:51:40.000 I might put it over half.

00:51:41.000 Yeah, it's a lot of these older ladies. 1.00

00:51:44.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:45.000 They're still hot.

00:51:46.000 Totally.

00:51:46.000 Yeah.

00:51:47.000 That's nice.

00:51:47.000 Like a hot grandma.

00:51:49.000 I love a hot grandma. 1.00

00:51:50.000 A hot 46-year-old grandma is pretty hard to beat. 1.00

00:51:52.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:53.000 Had them young.

00:51:55.000 Teen mom.

00:51:56.000 Teen mom whose kid also had kids at 18. And now she sees that young Matt Reif.

00:52:00.000 She's like, mmm, yummy.

00:52:01.000 Absolutely.

00:52:02.000 I think that is who gets MILFs. 0.93

00:52:04.000 MILFs are not into me. 1.00

00:52:06.000 I do get a...

00:52:07.000 It's younger women are into me just because I think it's like the MILFs want a little handsome to feel like young again. 1.00

00:52:13.000 And I think like hot younger women want like... 1.00

00:52:16.000 Fun.

00:52:17.000 Just a fun...

00:52:18.000 They want laughs.

00:52:19.000 Little daddy thing too. 1.00

00:52:20.000 You're a big fat piece of shit. 1.00

00:52:21.000 They like that. 1.00

00:52:22.000 The thing about comics though, I think the big one is that they're funny.

00:52:26.000 And that's what's attractive.

00:52:28.000 Totally.

00:52:29.000 Totally.

00:52:30.000 What's the percentage of women that are funny? 1.00

00:52:32.000 It's a smaller percentage than guys.

00:52:34.000 Probably.

00:52:34.000 For whatever the reason.

00:52:35.000 There's funny women out there, don't get me wrong, but we're just being honest.

00:52:39.000 We have to grade on a curve.

00:52:41.000 It's probably getting... 0.99

00:52:42.000 It goes back to the whole what we were talking about with secretaries and shit, right? 0.99

00:52:46.000 Up until very recently, You kind of had to play a subservient role where if you were funnier than a guy, you had to hide it. 0.99

00:52:53.000 Right.

00:52:54.000 You weren't rewarded for it until probably 20 years ago.

00:52:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:52:59.000 What about rich women?

00:53:00.000 Yeah.

00:53:01.000 When rich women start dating guys who have regular jobs, what is that? 0.99

00:53:05.000 That's got to be insane.

00:53:07.000 I bet you some of them like it.

00:53:08.000 I think because the women who are like- I bet they like it. 0.99

00:53:10.000 Yeah.

00:53:10.000 You think the dude likes it?

00:53:12.000 If he knows what's good for him, sign me up, dude.

00:53:15.000 Let me be a kept man. 0.50

00:53:16.000 That sounds fucking awesome. 0.88

00:53:18.000 But the thing is, if the man has his own dreams of greatness... 0.96

00:53:21.000 Overrated. 0.98

00:53:25.000 Over-fucking-rated. 1.00

00:53:27.000 Let me suck on a pair of freshly redone titties. 1.00

00:53:30.000 Let me tend to the pool. 0.99

00:53:32.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:53:33.000 Let me fucking throw on some fucking cocoa melon with our son. 1.00

00:53:36.000 It's your job to scoop the dog shit. 1.00

00:53:39.000 Happily. 1.00

00:53:40.000 With a fucking smile on my face, dude. 1.00

00:53:43.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

00:53:43.000 I would love a high-powered woman who's just like, doesn't, isn't, thinks comedy's stupid. 1.00

00:53:48.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:53:49.000 You would like that?

00:53:50.000 I think I would.

00:53:50.000 What if she started telling you to stop going on?

00:53:52.000 No, I couldn't do that. 1.00

00:53:53.000 Yeah, but that's what comedy stupid leads to. 0.99

00:53:56.000 But I would be like... 0.99

00:53:57.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:53:58.000 A friend of mine is having that issue right now.

00:53:59.000 Really?

00:54:00.000 Hot, hot girlfriend. 0.96

00:54:01.000 Really?

00:54:02.000 And she's like, you don't need to go out tonight.

00:54:03.000 Interesting.

00:54:04.000 I do, though.

00:54:05.000 Yeah.

00:54:06.000 She's like, but you went out last night.

00:54:07.000 He's like...

00:54:08.000 Yeah, it's the job.

00:54:09.000 This is how I get better.

00:54:11.000 I have to...

00:54:12.000 You can come with me.

00:54:13.000 Maybe this. 1.00

00:54:14.000 Not stupid, but... 1.00

00:54:16.000 Would prefer if I... Doesn't mind the work ethic, but thinks it's like, you know, a low... 0.99

00:54:23.000 Like, doesn't have any, like, respect for the art form.

00:54:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:26.000 A lot of people don't have respect for the art form.

00:54:27.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:54:28.000 It wouldn't be hard to find.

00:54:29.000 No, that would be easy.

00:54:30.000 A rich woman doesn't... 1.00

00:54:31.000 Comedy is one of, like, the most disparaged art forms.

00:54:34.000 Yeah.

00:54:34.000 It's very odd in that it's one of the most difficult things to do.

00:54:39.000 It's one of the most widely enjoyed things.

00:54:42.000 Very enjoyable, yeah.

00:54:43.000 Very enjoyed. 0.98

00:54:43.000 Like, people fucking love comedy, but... 0.98

00:54:46.000 No one takes it seriously. 0.97

00:54:48.000 When you see someone who's a serious musician, there's just a level of respect for an elite guitarist. 0.99

00:54:55.000 Like fucking Stevie Ray Vaughan or Gary Clark Jr. There's a level of respect like, wow, that motherfucker, they know their craft. 1.00

00:55:04.000 Technically gifted. 1.00

00:55:05.000 Yeah, they have their craft.

00:55:06.000 Whereas with comedy, the problem is we're doing something that everybody does, which is talking.

00:55:11.000 Talking.

00:55:11.000 Everyone thinks they can do it, you know what I mean?

00:55:14.000 Everyone.

00:55:15.000 Yeah.

00:55:15.000 A friend of mine's been bringing it up lately, and I'm like, no.

00:55:18.000 That's funny to be friends with you and be like, I could do it.

00:55:22.000 Oh, my God.

00:55:23.000 His friend's not even an open-miker. 1.00

00:55:24.000 But everything he ever says that he thinks is funny, he laughs at his own shit, and it's terrible. 0.99

00:55:28.000 Yeah, always. 1.00

00:55:29.000 Like, dude.

00:55:30.000 That's part of the problem.

00:55:31.000 I mean, also, it's like, I love comedy.

00:55:34.000 It's the thing I, you know, my whole life has been dedicated to it.

00:55:37.000 But I also understand, I respect a guitarist more than a comedian.

00:55:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:40.000 You know?

00:55:41.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:41.000 Like, they're right.

00:55:42.000 Well, they practice.

00:55:43.000 Exactly, dude.

00:55:44.000 They actually practice when no one's around. 0.99

00:55:46.000 A fine artist, like, I respect them more than fucking comedy. 0.98

00:55:49.000 And I love that, though. 0.98

00:55:50.000 I think it should be the low...

00:55:52.000 I like that we're the lowest form of show business.

00:55:54.000 Yeah, it's good. 1.00

00:55:54.000 We're fucking idiots. 1.00

00:55:55.000 I mean, we are dumb as fuck. 1.00

00:55:57.000 We have, like, a type... 1.00

00:55:58.000 Some of us have a type of intelligence or, like...

00:56:00.000 Like, I think what I like is, like, emotional intelligence.

00:56:04.000 I can pick up on people. 0.97

00:56:05.000 But I'm not fucking reading books anymore. 0.98

00:56:07.000 Most of my mind... 0.99

00:56:08.000 I think my brain is essentially like a tachometer.

00:56:13.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

00:56:14.000 Like, I can redline that bitch. 1.00

00:56:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

00:56:16.000 Like, if I have scientists and I have to have discussions with them, or if there's something serious that I have to debate about with someone, I can redline it. 0.98

00:56:23.000 Yeah.

00:56:23.000 But for the most part, I'm cruising on the highway at a steady 2,500 RPMs.

00:56:28.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:56:29.000 Absolutely.

00:56:30.000 I'm a golf cart.

00:56:31.000 I'm just going like a...

00:56:32.000 Hey guys, how we doing? 0.99

00:56:34.000 Let me tell you about what time my dick didn't get hard. 0.99

00:56:37.000 That's what I'm doing. 0.99

00:56:38.000 Whenever I think of golf carts, I think of Jackie Gleason.

00:56:40.000 I do not know why.

00:56:42.000 There's a photo of Jackie Gleason on a golf cart.

00:56:44.000 His golf cart had a cooler built into it. 0.98

00:56:46.000 Sick.

00:56:47.000 And Jackie Gleason just liked to play golf and get lit. 0.87

00:56:51.000 That's what he did all the time.

00:56:53.000 That's a nice way to be.

00:56:54.000 See if you can find the photo of Jackie Gleason.

00:56:56.000 I don't know why, but this photo.

00:56:58.000 This is it right here.

00:56:59.000 Whenever I think of golf carts, I think of that photo. 1.00

00:57:02.000 That's a shit version. 1.00

00:57:03.000 Here it is. 1.00

00:57:04.000 Jackie fucking Gleason. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Look at this golf cart! 1.00

00:57:06.000 Oh, it's a Rolls Royce golf cart!

00:57:08.000 Look at this golf cart!

00:57:09.000 Respect.

00:57:09.000 Look at this golf with an American flag on it.

00:57:11.000 What a guy.

00:57:13.000 Not even an American flag, is that the first... 0.70

00:57:15.000 Is that the...

00:57:16.000 Yeah, the first 13 colonies.

00:57:19.000 It said he oozes self-satisfaction, which is hilarious.

00:57:27.000 Oh, hell yeah, dude.

00:57:29.000 Look at him!

00:57:30.000 He's got the horns!

00:57:31.000 He's got the horns on his windshield!

00:57:34.000 That's what I want my life to be like.

00:57:35.000 And listen, man, that guy got drunk constantly.

00:57:38.000 He was just always lit.

00:57:40.000 Respect.

00:57:40.000 He was always having a good time.

00:57:42.000 Jackie Gleason had a good fucking time. 0.99

00:57:44.000 Let me hear something. 0.99

00:57:44.000 After four or five of these good heavens, a spectator yelled out, and he said, when you play as good as that heavens, it has nothing to do with it. 0.99

00:57:52.000 Please?

00:57:53.000 Okay.

00:57:53.000 He played good.

00:57:54.000 Yeah.

00:57:54.000 He was a really good pool player.

00:57:56.000 Nice.

00:57:57.000 Like an elite level pool player.

00:57:59.000 I believe it.

00:58:00.000 He's in the movie The Hustler.

00:58:01.000 Love that movie.

00:58:02.000 Yeah.

00:58:02.000 In 1963. And he's the only guy I've ever seen like that.

00:58:07.000 That's just an actor.

00:58:09.000 That when you see him play pool, you don't get offended.

00:58:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.97

00:58:12.000 Because I watch him make balls. 0.99

00:58:13.000 I'm like, oh, that guy's got a slip stroke.

00:58:15.000 He's like a real player.

00:58:17.000 Dude, it's so funny.

00:58:19.000 Get a TV! That's amazing!

00:58:21.000 A fucking Sony TV built in it. 1.00

00:58:23.000 A TV with dials in it. 1.00

00:58:25.000 Probably black and white.

00:58:26.000 Hell yeah, dude.

00:58:27.000 So I can watch the game.

00:58:30.000 Layshawn.

00:58:30.000 I got this connected to the girls' bathroom.

00:58:33.000 Nice! 0.94

00:58:36.000 He's got a CB in there.

00:58:37.000 He's got a cooler. 1.00

00:58:38.000 Look at that shit. 1.00

00:58:39.000 I mean, that's beautiful. 1.00

00:58:41.000 That's retirement, dude. 1.00

00:58:42.000 That's an electric cooler built into his fucking golf cart. 1.00

00:58:45.000 Smoking cigarettes. 1.00

00:58:46.000 Look at the little mustache!

00:58:46.000 Got the stache.

00:58:48.000 Let me hear some volume of Jackie.

00:58:49.000 Let me hear some volume of the great one.

00:58:51.000 That's what I do to Hope when I play Bob Hope.

00:58:53.000 I drive up in this and that shakes him a little bit.

00:58:56.000 Then I show him the gold clubs.

00:58:59.000 It says the great one.

00:59:01.000 It says the great one on his clubs.

00:59:02.000 Go back.

00:59:03.000 Look at that.

00:59:03.000 The great one.

00:59:04.000 Flexaholic, dude. 0.99

00:59:05.000 The fucking club literally says the great one on it. 1.00

00:59:08.000 That's so fucking sick. 1.00

00:59:11.000 JG, the great one. 1.00

00:59:13.000 Gold clubs.

00:59:14.000 That's a Ric Flair ad lib.

00:59:16.000 He was amazing.

00:59:17.000 He was amazing.

00:59:19.000 You know, the amazing thing in The Hustler, he doesn't even talk hardly.

00:59:23.000 Yeah.

00:59:24.000 I mean, he has a few lines, but he just plays this stoic pool player who's the best pool player in the world.

00:59:30.000 Fats, what's his name?

00:59:31.000 Minnesota Fats.

00:59:32.000 Yeah.

00:59:32.000 No, I love that movie.

00:59:33.000 Yeah.

00:59:34.000 You know, there's a guy, like a real pool player named Minnesota Fats who just stole the name.

00:59:39.000 He was a hustler.

00:59:40.000 The Minnesota Fats, the guy who you see, like, he would be in these, like, exhibitions against, like, Willie Moscone back in the day.

00:59:48.000 His real name was New York Fats.

00:59:49.000 They used to call him New York Fats.

00:59:51.000 And then the movie came out and he was like, that movie's about me.

00:59:56.000 And he changed his name to Minnesota Fats.

00:59:58.000 Smart man.

00:59:58.000 Worked smarter, not harder.

01:00:00.000 Like Rick Ross, basically.

01:00:01.000 The rapper Rick Ross.

01:00:02.000 Exactly.

01:00:03.000 The real Freeway Ricky Ross.

01:00:04.000 Freeway Ricky Ross.

01:00:05.000 Yeah.

01:00:06.000 Freeway Ricky Ross tried to sue him because he's using his name.

01:00:10.000 He said, nope.

01:00:11.000 Rick Ross, honestly, how he got away with everything is awesome.

01:00:15.000 The real Rick Ross.

01:00:16.000 Both.

01:00:17.000 Both. 0.91

01:00:17.000 I think, well, Ricky Ross is crazy. 0.91

01:00:19.000 He was selling for the CIA, wasn't he? 0.97

01:00:21.000 Yes! 1.00

01:00:22.000 Bro, he didn't even know how to read until he got into fucking jail. 0.99

01:00:25.000 That's so awesome. 0.99

01:00:26.000 Became a jailhouse lawyer and then realized once he was in jail that they had tried him for three strikes based on one case and you can't do that. 1.00

01:00:34.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

01:00:34.000 It has to be three separate times you were arrested so he got out. 0.99

01:00:37.000 So sick.

01:00:38.000 Yeah, he got himself out.

01:00:39.000 So sick.

01:00:39.000 Didn't know how to read.

01:00:40.000 That's awesome.

01:00:41.000 And he was a killer tennis player.

01:00:43.000 Really?

01:00:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:44.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:00:45.000 Freeway Ricky Ross. 1.00

01:00:46.000 Did he pick that up in jail too?

01:00:47.000 No, when he was younger.

01:00:48.000 He was like a killer tennis player.

01:00:49.000 But like what future does he have?

01:00:50.000 He lives in Compton. 0.99

01:00:51.000 So he starts selling drugs and didn't know that he was selling it for the fucking CIA to fund the Sandinistas versus the Contras. 0.99

01:00:58.000 That's so fucking hilarious, dude. 0.99

01:01:00.000 Wild, man. 1.00

01:01:00.000 And then you got Rick Ross who was a fucking, he was a prison guard. 1.00

01:01:04.000 That's what I'm saying is like, he, because he's so good at lying and rapping and just like, you hear Rick Ross rapping and you're like, that's Jackie Gleason on a fucking golf cart. 1.00

01:01:15.000 That's fucking gold. 1.00

01:01:17.000 Marble clubs. 1.00

01:01:18.000 He's just talking about all this crazy shit. 0.99

01:01:21.000 And 50 Cent, who's the best troll of all time, he's so funny, he thought he was destroying everyone he was up against. 0.99

01:01:28.000 He's up against Rick Ross, who's stealing a real drug dealer's name, was a literal cop.

01:01:34.000 50 Cent had the pictures of him in his little uniform. 0.99

01:01:37.000 Rick Ross was just good enough at fucking rapping. 0.99

01:01:39.000 It didn't fucking matter. 1.00

01:01:40.000 He's so good at fucking, you know, luxurious rap. 1.00

01:01:45.000 Have you ever made love to the woman in your dreams in a room full of money out in London as she screams? 1.00

01:01:50.000 That's a fucking Rick Ross line. 1.00

01:01:52.000 That's fucking beautiful, dude. 1.00

01:01:53.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:01:54.000 A room full of money in London.

01:01:56.000 It's like Tony Hinchcliffe had this bit that he used to do about Michael Jackson. 0.99

01:02:00.000 And he goes, Michael Jackson was so good, when Beat It came on, you didn't give a fuck about those kids. 0.99

01:02:06.000 And it's true. 0.98

01:02:07.000 It is, yeah.

01:02:08.000 There hasn't been a single artist in all of history that was accused by multiple people of pedophilia.

01:02:15.000 Yeah.

01:02:16.000 We all knew he had kids spend the night over his house.

01:02:19.000 It was all sick and weird. 1.00

01:02:21.000 Yeah, really fucked up. 1.00

01:02:21.000 He literally turned his fucking house into a honeypot for kids. 1.00

01:02:25.000 I know. 1.00

01:02:25.000 The Cat Waves kit is so good. 1.00

01:02:28.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:02:28.000 Where he's like, I have shit in my house that bitches like. 1.00

01:02:32.000 He was like, I don't like silk pillowcases, but bitches do. 1.00

01:02:37.000 And then he's like, now what does Michael's house have? 0.99

01:02:40.000 It's just like a Ferris wheel. 0.99

01:02:43.000 He's like, who do you think he's trying to fuck? 0.99

01:02:44.000 I know. 1.00

01:02:45.000 People were giving him so much shit about that bit. 0.98

01:02:47.000 Dude, that, first of all, that might be my favorite special of all time because he's just... 0.99

01:02:52.000 Is that Pimp Chronicles?

01:02:52.000 Yes.

01:02:53.000 And he just comes out in the green.

01:02:55.000 In the middle of it, he dances to his own song on Dipset.

01:02:59.000 Just in the middle of it.

01:03:00.000 Little John comes out. 0.99

01:03:02.000 He's fucking crushing it. 1.00

01:03:03.000 And it's a shorter special, but he's got the fucking turbo button. 1.00

01:03:06.000 The whole time. 0.99

01:03:07.000 He's crushing the whole time.

01:03:08.000 The act-outs are out of control.

01:03:10.000 Everything is so good.

01:03:11.000 And in that special is my favorite Michael Jackson bit and my favorite bit about the Iraq War, where he's just like, what does the Iraq Army's uniform look like?

01:03:23.000 I'll wait, tell me. 0.99

01:03:24.000 And then he's talking about how insurgents, he's like, we're killing motherfuckers in flip-flops, sweatpants. 0.99

01:03:30.000 And it's a bit in between two bits. 0.99

01:03:34.000 Like, it's almost in the side. 0.97

01:03:35.000 And it is literally as good as any political comic, because he just gets to the fucking heart of the matter. 0.98

01:03:40.000 That special's fucking unbelievable. 0.97

01:03:43.000 Yeah, he had a run. 0.99

01:03:44.000 He had a run for a few years when he was on the top.

01:03:46.000 And he still, that's the thing, it's like, maybe culturally it's not what it used to be, but from, like, the numbers, like, people still fucking watch Cat Williams a ton, dude.

01:03:55.000 Oh, yeah, it's just, I'm saying, like...

01:03:57.000 Oh, yeah, he was on fire.

01:03:59.000 Yeah, he was on fire.

01:04:00.000 Pimp crime.

01:04:00.000 Truly that special.

01:04:02.000 I thought, you know, I go back and forth, but that...

01:04:05.000 I mean, it's on the Mount Rushmore for me of just like...

01:04:07.000 It's pretty damn good.

01:04:08.000 And it captured something.

01:04:10.000 It's so, you know, of that 2000s era of like...

01:04:14.000 You know, that's what I... Yeah, I mean...

01:04:15.000 Look at him.

01:04:16.000 He looks incredible.

01:04:17.000 Look at that jacket.

01:04:18.000 Give me some of this volume.

01:04:20.000 Yeah.

01:04:21.000 Sweat your perm out his own song in the middle of a special.

01:04:27.000 Look at him.

01:04:28.000 Oh yeah, this is about baseball.

01:04:40.000 In the middle of a special.

01:04:41.000 Look at the size of his belt buckle.

01:04:43.000 Jesus Christ.

01:04:44.000 Look at that belt buckle.

01:04:46.000 Look at those knees. 1.00

01:04:47.000 The man's a dancer.

01:04:50.000 Well, you can move like that when you weigh 130 pounds.

01:04:53.000 It's quite a bit easier.

01:04:56.000 He's just in the middle of a special.

01:04:58.000 And it doesn't stop him at all.

01:05:06.000 Like, imagine.

01:05:09.000 He came out with a tiger once.

01:05:11.000 Did you ever see that special?

01:05:12.000 No, that's awesome.

01:05:12.000 He had a special with a tiger in a cage behind him.

01:05:14.000 Was it a tiger or a lion? 0.96

01:05:17.000 Some giant-ass cat.

01:05:19.000 Think about how hard it would be to follow Little John in the height of his fame. 0.87

01:05:25.000 Coming out in the middle of a bit. 0.99

01:05:27.000 Cat Williams doesn't give a fuck, dude. 1.00

01:05:29.000 Well, he wants him there. 0.99

01:05:30.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:05:32.000 That's such a flex.

01:05:33.000 This isn't going to affect me at all. 1.00

01:05:35.000 I'm in total control of all you motherfuckers. 1.00

01:05:37.000 And by the way, you can tell, I think he shot that in one go. 1.00

01:05:40.000 There's no multiple shows. 0.98

01:05:41.000 It's fucking incredible. 0.97

01:05:43.000 He was on top. 1.00

01:05:45.000 So fucking good. 0.98

01:05:45.000 But yeah, that Michael Jackson bit he did was so fucking good, and he was just the man. 0.98

01:05:51.000 And it's cool, because he's also a great actor. 0.98

01:05:54.000 When he was in fucking Atlanta, he was fucking awesome. 0.98

01:05:56.000 I never saw any of that. 0.99

01:05:58.000 Atlanta's a great show.

01:06:00.000 He's just got so much depth, and he's such an interesting person.

01:06:05.000 Imagine coming back from getting in a fight with a child.

01:06:12.000 By like a middle schooler.

01:06:13.000 Yeah.

01:06:14.000 And it's like, he's doing arenas like two years later.

01:06:17.000 Everyone's like, well, that's it for Kat.

01:06:19.000 That one time when he's just completely destroying that some woman on the radio.

01:06:23.000 Have you seen that?

01:06:24.000 She is trying to go after him in the softest way possible.

01:06:27.000 And he is demolished. 0.99

01:06:28.000 It's like when he was coming back from his troubles and shit like that. 0.99

01:06:31.000 And this woman has no idea what she's doing. 1.00

01:06:35.000 He's just calling. 0.99

01:06:36.000 He's like, fuck, I forget what it is. 0.99

01:06:38.000 But it's like him on, I don't remember what radio show, but it's like. 0.99

01:06:40.000 So they took a caller?

01:06:42.000 No, she's like a host. 1.00

01:06:44.000 And he's like, you know, he's just fucking being chill, whatever. 0.87

01:06:47.000 And it's just like, he's just such a genuine guy that you can't shake him. 0.91

01:06:50.000 And he's funny. 0.93

01:06:51.000 He's so fucking funny. 0.98

01:06:52.000 What are you thinking? 0.99

01:06:53.000 This woman, I don't know.

01:06:54.000 I don't remember what he said to her.

01:06:55.000 It's, you know, if you can find it, Jamie, but like, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in terms of like just destroying a woman. 1.00

01:07:03.000 Destroying.

01:07:04.000 That's the only reason to go on one of those radio shows.

01:07:06.000 Yeah.

01:07:06.000 Well, Sam does it where he goes on morning shows and talks about how each...

01:07:11.000 Yes, this is it.

01:07:12.000 Okay, give me.

01:07:12.000 Kellyn's versus Wanda Smith.

01:07:16.000 My hair is 19 inches long and I have no perm.

01:07:20.000 That's not a perm.

01:07:22.000 No, it is not.

01:07:23.000 Come run one of your gnarled fingers.

01:07:26.000 Gnarled?

01:07:27.000 That's right.

01:07:29.000 They don't have to.

01:07:30.000 I don't want them to.

01:07:30.000 Get on out of here.

01:07:31.000 You okay?

01:07:34.000 Gnarled fingers.

01:07:38.000 His clothes are old? 0.99

01:07:56.000 She's saying he's got old ass clothes. 0.99

01:07:59.000 He says runnishless collection. 0.98

01:08:01.000 They don't remember me for a while now, right?

01:08:04.000 I'm not the right one.

01:08:05.000 Get this inmate out of here.

01:08:07.000 If you can't get your blood pressure down, you can't call me down.

01:08:10.000 Your cholesterol is 600. I'm little mama's baby daddy.

01:08:15.000 No, you little mama. 1.00

01:08:17.000 She's so nervous, dude.

01:08:20.000 Look at her.

01:08:20.000 Look at the nervous laughter.

01:08:25.000 I've never been to prison.

01:08:29.000 19 felonies, no convictions.

01:08:32.000 Prison and jail aren't the same.

01:08:34.000 No, no, [...

01:08:36.000 Only one of us has $12 worth of jewelry on.

01:08:39.000 No, no, no, no, no. 1.00

01:09:02.000 He's destroying this bitch! 1.00

01:09:04.000 She has no idea what she's up against. 1.00

01:09:08.000 On her own show.

01:09:12.000 Oh my god!

01:09:21.000 I mean, dude, just comes with a pack of new points.

01:09:26.000 You get everything she has on for $7.99.

01:09:28.000 How does she recover from that? 0.94

01:09:28.000 How do you recover from that? 0.94

01:09:30.000 I think you have to quit.

01:09:31.000 And when you go back to work tomorrow and everybody's like, how you feeling?

01:09:34.000 Dude, that follows you for a year.

01:09:36.000 Especially if she reads the comments and you know she reads the comments.

01:09:40.000 Dude, that video is just...

01:09:42.000 That's what people will know her from.

01:09:44.000 How about she saying he has old clothes on?

01:09:46.000 He looks awesome.

01:09:47.000 First of all, you know he's rich.

01:09:52.000 Kat Williams is rich, rich, rich, rich.

01:09:55.000 So he's been doing arenas for decades. 1.00

01:09:56.000 Yeah, she's the fourth mic on a fucking radio show. 1.00

01:10:00.000 Come on, lady. 1.00

01:10:00.000 What is that? 1.00

01:10:01.000 You got old clothes on. 0.98

01:10:02.000 It's a woman completely out of her depth who doesn't, who didn't appreciate that everybody was, you know, rightfully, like, respecting Kat as a fucking legend, and she probably just didn't like it. 0.96

01:10:12.000 She thought she was gonna get over on him. 0.96

01:10:14.000 How?

01:10:14.000 How do you think that?

01:10:15.000 People are delusional.

01:10:17.000 I'm looking at this.

01:10:18.000 What?

01:10:19.000 This story went crazy.

01:10:20.000 Oh no, did it?

01:10:21.000 Apparently at a show of his in Atlanta, her husband pointed a gun at him.

01:10:28.000 It says it's because of his ridicule of her.

01:10:32.000 Dude, imagine getting got so well. 0.81

01:10:36.000 Imagine getting roasted so bad, your husband points a gun at the guy.

01:10:40.000 Following the interview in the alleged altercation to be Williams and Sellers, Smith addressed both on air. 0.99

01:10:45.000 She said that at the comedy theater, Williams saw her and approached her and said, I told you, fucking with me will make you go viral. 0.93

01:10:51.000 This led to sellers chasing Williams into a Food Depot supermarket. 0.94

01:10:56.000 Because of legal reasons, Smith couldn't talk further about the altercation.

01:11:00.000 But she did discuss feeling attacked during her interview with Williams.

01:11:04.000 Oh! 0.60

01:11:05.000 The victim card!

01:11:07.000 Incredible, dude.

01:11:08.000 Good luck playing that card with that video.

01:11:09.000 Oh my god.

01:11:10.000 I felt like, as he started to talk in the beginning, he had an agenda to attack me, and I kept feeling some type of way, she explained.

01:11:17.000 Crazy.

01:11:17.000 Okay.

01:11:18.000 He kind of came for me, and I'm not that kind of comedian.

01:11:22.000 She's a comedian? 1.00

01:11:23.000 Oh my god.

01:11:24.000 Like, I don't go tit for tat.

01:11:26.000 When he started coming at me, it kind of threw me off.

01:11:28.000 I didn't know how to come back, because that's not how I wanted to talk to him, because of the respect.

01:11:33.000 Oh, now it's respect.

01:11:35.000 I'm not playing victim, she said.

01:11:37.000 I'm not a jokester like that.

01:11:39.000 I don't know how to do that.

01:11:40.000 He did it.

01:11:41.000 He won.

01:11:41.000 It threw me off.

01:11:42.000 Oh my God.

01:11:43.000 Just take the L, lady. 0.97

01:11:44.000 Oh my God.

01:11:45.000 It's like, yeah. 0.99

01:11:46.000 I put some smoked salmon up my ass and waved it in front of a bear's face, and it attacked me, and now I'm sad. 0.99

01:11:52.000 Worse! 1.00

01:11:53.000 You pimp slapped the bear! 0.98

01:11:56.000 It's insane, dude.

01:11:56.000 I mean, she went after him, 100%.

01:11:58.000 Crazy.

01:11:59.000 And he was letting her off easy. 1.00

01:12:01.000 And then at the end, when he's got the special bar charged up, he does his finishing move on her, she's fucked, dude. 1.00

01:12:09.000 Well, when he started with, run your gnarled fingers. 1.00

01:12:12.000 Gnarled fingers!

01:12:14.000 That's like, lady, that's the warning shot. 1.00

01:12:16.000 Yeah, you're fucking with an elite comic. 0.99

01:12:18.000 And also, he's real comfortable and relaxed. 0.99

01:12:21.000 And he's got his Starbucks.

01:12:23.000 He's the man, dude.

01:12:24.000 He's ready to go.

01:12:25.000 Oh my god, that was like one of the best takedowns I've ever seen. 0.98

01:12:28.000 It was fucking incredible. 0.96

01:12:29.000 But that's like a Mike Tyson fight in the 80s. 0.98

01:12:31.000 It's like, what are you doing in there with him?

01:12:33.000 It makes no sense. 1.00

01:12:34.000 You're a fucking tomato can. 1.00

01:12:35.000 This is a terrible idea. 1.00

01:12:37.000 How did you think this was gonna turn out?

01:12:38.000 I know, I know. 1.00

01:12:40.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00

01:12:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:42.000 Do you do radio anymore?

01:12:43.000 Do you ever do that?

01:12:43.000 Not really.

01:12:44.000 It used to be the thing that you did.

01:12:46.000 I know, it just doesn't...

01:12:47.000 Like, I did it...

01:12:48.000 It doesn't work.

01:12:48.000 At the very end of, like, when I first started headlining and, you know, playing, like...

01:12:52.000 I would feature, and then I would do the Sunday or something like that, you know, or the Thursday. 0.94

01:12:57.000 I did it a couple times, but I was like, why am I up at fucking 5am?

01:13:01.000 If it moves two tickets, you're lucky. 0.54

01:13:05.000 And it's just like, now it's like we kind of do the...

01:13:07.000 Like, I'll do the shows that, you know, depending.

01:13:10.000 I'll do some, you know, Lebitard is a really great show.

01:13:13.000 I'll do that.

01:13:13.000 I'll do...

01:13:14.000 But even those shows, it's like, he's also a podcast now, or like, I'll do local, you know, in certain markets.

01:13:19.000 I'll do Baltimore when I go home.

01:13:22.000 Shout out to my boy Justin Schlegel.

01:13:23.000 I'll do his show because, you know, he was one of the guys that started ahead of me.

01:13:27.000 And it's still a good show in the market, like 98 Rock, whatever.

01:13:30.000 But it doesn't feel worth it anymore, dude.

01:13:32.000 I kept doing Boston long after I stopped doing other places.

01:13:35.000 Same thing.

01:13:36.000 Yeah, because it matters.

01:13:36.000 It means something.

01:13:37.000 Yeah, but man, it used to be radio was fun.

01:13:41.000 Well, radio was probably what led me to get into podcasting.

01:13:43.000 Oh, interesting.

01:13:44.000 Because I would do radio shows.

01:13:45.000 I'd go, God, I want to do one of these.

01:13:47.000 This would be fun.

01:13:48.000 No one would ever give me one.

01:13:49.000 Right. 0.99

01:13:49.000 Yeah, better buy a shitty microphone. 0.99

01:13:52.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:13:52.000 Just record. 0.98

01:13:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:54.000 Goddamn. 1.00

01:13:55.000 It's kind of... 0.99

01:13:56.000 It used to be the only way to sell tickets.

01:13:59.000 That's insane.

01:14:00.000 It's kind of gone.

01:14:00.000 I think it is gone.

01:14:01.000 I mean, I assume...

01:14:02.000 I think maybe some part...

01:14:04.000 Like, I guess...

01:14:04.000 I don't know if, like, Bob and Tom is still big.

01:14:06.000 It used to work, though.

01:14:08.000 It used to work.

01:14:09.000 Like, if you went to Columbus and you did...

01:14:11.000 What was that? 1.00

01:14:12.000 There's a fucking... 0.99

01:14:14.000 There was a... 0.99

01:14:16.000 God, I can't remember their name.

01:14:17.000 The morning zoo was big there for a while, and then there was another show.

01:14:21.000 Depending on the year you're talking about.

01:14:23.000 But no, you're right.

01:14:24.000 I mean, if we really think about it, it really was like podcasts.

01:14:27.000 Because it's like how there's a ton of...

01:14:30.000 Even though there's like 200 podcasts that do really...

01:14:33.000 Just off the top of my head, you know, comedy podcasts.

01:14:36.000 There's a ton of successful ones. 0.99

01:14:37.000 It's the same way where it's like every market had a place where a guy was a fucking celebrity. 0.99

01:14:41.000 In their little town, you couldn't fuck with that guy, dude. 1.00

01:14:45.000 He was like a fucking Don. 0.99

01:14:46.000 And that has kind of gone away because now it's like... 0.99

01:14:50.000 Yeah, they were the morning guy. 1.00

01:14:51.000 The morning guy was the fucking man. 1.00

01:14:53.000 The brass ring, dude. 1.00

01:14:53.000 That's who he wanted to be. 1.00

01:14:54.000 Isn't that crazy that that went like blockbuster?

01:14:58.000 Blockbuster video, just like...

01:14:59.000 Totally.

01:15:01.000 Well, and it's like, you know, those shows were like...

01:15:02.000 I mean, again, I barely did them.

01:15:04.000 I did a lot of them.

01:15:06.000 Did you feel like you could be funny on there?

01:15:08.000 You just had to be, right?

01:15:10.000 I would show up lit.

01:15:12.000 Always.

01:15:13.000 Always.

01:15:14.000 I never did those sober. 0.99

01:15:17.000 Just fucking high or drunk or... 1.00

01:15:18.000 I'd be barbecued. 1.00

01:15:19.000 That's awesome.

01:15:20.000 Just barbecued.

01:15:20.000 That's hilarious, dude.

01:15:22.000 Just not knowing what I was talking about 15 seconds after I was talking.

01:15:25.000 This house was the most loose.

01:15:26.000 It's 6 o'clock in the morning.

01:15:27.000 Give me a big cup of coffee and a joint.

01:15:29.000 Let me go.

01:15:30.000 Let's go.

01:15:31.000 Let's get into it.

01:15:32.000 Yeah, let's have some fun.

01:15:33.000 And, you know... 0.99

01:15:34.000 I've drank on the radio, too, but that's hard, man, because then you go back to your hotel room and crash, and then you feel like shit at, like, 2 p.m. 1.00

01:15:43.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:15:44.000 I didn't even think of that. 1.00

01:15:45.000 Yeah, because the show's got to come after you. 0.99

01:15:46.000 That's the fucked up part. 0.99

01:15:48.000 Yeah, but if you're on a radio show and you're having fun, you've got to go. 0.97

01:15:51.000 I mean, this is like the advertisement to get people to come see you.

01:15:54.000 Right, right, right. 0.99

01:15:54.000 So you're fucking around, having a good time. 0.99

01:15:56.000 If you're crushing it, you've got to stay on. 1.00

01:15:58.000 Yeah.

01:15:58.000 You've got to have a good time.

01:16:00.000 But I always used to think, like, that would be the job, man. 0.99

01:16:03.000 Have a fucking radio gig would be the job. 0.99

01:16:05.000 You figured it out. 1.00

01:16:06.000 I don't know what the fuck happened. 0.99

01:16:08.000 What are you talking about? 0.99

01:16:09.000 This is exactly that. 1.00

01:16:11.000 Except you don't have to fucking... 1.00

01:16:12.000 You can talk about whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

01:16:14.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:16:14.000 Exactly. 0.99

01:16:15.000 That's why I never would have gotten one of those jobs.

01:16:16.000 They would have said, hey, hey, you can't talk about the pyramids again.

01:16:21.000 I'd be like, but hold on!

01:16:22.000 Come on, dude. 1.00

01:16:23.000 There's no way those motherfuckers made them. 1.00

01:16:27.000 It was a fucking alien, beamed us the fucking knowledge. 1.00

01:16:30.000 Also, you would have executives. 1.00

01:16:32.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:16:33.000 You would have a bunch of fucking, like, they would have meetings with the, like, I was friends with Kevin and Bean in LA. That was like one of the last shows that I ever did. 0.99

01:16:40.000 They were, no, they were the last radio show that I would ever willingly do.

01:16:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:44.000 Just because they were your boys.

01:16:45.000 They were fun.

01:16:46.000 They were good dudes. 0.91

01:16:47.000 And, you know, when they got fired, man, they just got fucking, they just got told they were fired and they weren't even allowed to go in the building to get their stuff. 0.90

01:16:54.000 And they were there for like 25 years. 0.99

01:16:57.000 I mean, that's fucking brutal. 0.99

01:16:58.000 But that's how those corporations work, man. 1.00

01:17:00.000 Fuck you, pay me. 1.00

01:17:01.000 Get out. 1.00

01:17:02.000 It's a business.

01:17:04.000 It's not art.

01:17:05.000 And they bled their industry dry, and it kind of made way for independent stuff, independent pot.

01:17:12.000 And it's like, they thought they could do that because they were a monopoly, and then...

01:17:16.000 In five years, it was like anybody could do their own show.

01:17:19.000 Yeah.

01:17:19.000 Well, I remember when I first started talking about doing it, like, radio guys were so dismissive.

01:17:23.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:23.000 Like, why are you doing that?

01:17:24.000 Yeah.

01:17:25.000 This is our thing.

01:17:26.000 Well, Howard Stern used to talk about it openly.

01:17:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:28.000 These people are idiots. 1.00

01:17:29.000 Like, what are you doing? 1.00

01:17:30.000 Waste your time podcasting.

01:17:31.000 Yeah.

01:17:31.000 It's kind of hilarious.

01:17:32.000 It really is.

01:17:33.000 But, I mean, you also get it because it, like, it's, of course, it threatens them because it's like, yeah, I'm just going to do it.

01:17:39.000 I'm going to do the thing you...

01:17:40.000 I get it, but I don't get it because things that threaten me, I don't attack.

01:17:44.000 Right.

01:17:45.000 Right.

01:17:45.000 I embrace things that threaten me.

01:17:47.000 If there's something that threatens me, if there was something like a podcast, if I was a radio host and podcasts were killing, I'd be like, I need to get a fucking podcast.

01:17:55.000 And I'd probably start talking openly about it to put pressure on my contract negotiations.

01:18:01.000 I'd be like, why don't I just get a...

01:18:03.000 I have enough money.

01:18:04.000 I have enough money.

01:18:05.000 Why do I have a boss?

01:18:06.000 Why do I have a job?

01:18:07.000 Why do I have shareholders?

01:18:08.000 Why do I have stocks?

01:18:09.000 Well, do you think it's a little bit of like what happens when, like, it's not so much a, I mean, I guess it happens now, too, where it's like, like, if somebody gets big off purely TikTok, right, or somebody does, like, funny videos, and then they start selling out comedy clubs, don't you think they looked at podcasters that way,

01:18:25.000 where they're like, they don't know how to They don't know how to be a radio guy.

01:18:28.000 Well, I mean... 0.99

01:18:30.000 Because I feel that sometimes where I'm like, these fucking guys can't put together an act. 0.99

01:18:34.000 Or whenever a celebrity gets canceled, now all of a sudden they're fucking comedians. 0.99

01:18:38.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:18:39.000 Right, that does happen.

01:18:40.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:18:41.000 That's like actors, their last hope.

01:18:43.000 Right.

01:18:44.000 Again, back to what comedy is, where comedy is. 0.99

01:18:47.000 It's like, well, if you are a rapist... 0.99

01:18:49.000 Come on to the comedy club. 0.99

01:18:51.000 You know what I mean?

01:18:51.000 It's like, that's how we're respected.

01:18:53.000 Well, like, TikTok made Ralph Barboza, but I think he's gonna make it.

01:18:56.000 But he's a good comic.

01:18:57.000 He's a good comic.

01:18:57.000 That's the difference.

01:18:58.000 But he was a middle act.

01:18:59.000 And then all of a sudden he's, like, headlining and selling out four, five, six shows in a row.

01:19:03.000 But that's the thing.

01:19:04.000 It's like...

01:19:05.000 If you're like that, he's good. 1.00

01:19:06.000 He's a good comic and he works hard as fuck. 0.97

01:19:08.000 Somebody who makes it off of the strength of their jokes is different from like, let's say you do skits. 0.99

01:19:14.000 Right.

01:19:14.000 Or you're a personality.

01:19:16.000 Right.

01:19:16.000 And like somebody like, like, Drewski's really funny.

01:19:19.000 That guy's hilarious.

01:19:20.000 And he goes on the road and he does his own thing.

01:19:22.000 He has his own show.

01:19:23.000 He's not doing stand-up.

01:19:25.000 He's like taking the experience of what makes him good.

01:19:28.000 But then you see other people who don't have that, like, imagination.

01:19:31.000 They don't want to work hard and craft their own special live show.

01:19:34.000 And they're like, I could do Stan.

01:19:36.000 The way we were talking about it.

01:19:37.000 Imagine if your friend, who's not funny at all, blows up because he puts a wig on and pretends to be a woman on TikTok.

01:19:43.000 You know what I mean?

01:19:44.000 I mean, not him.

01:19:45.000 Yeah, but you know what I'm saying.

01:19:46.000 It's that...

01:19:48.000 Very rarely do I say it's never gonna happen.

01:19:53.000 Hypothetically, a guy like that, it happens, and they have no stage presence.

01:19:58.000 They have nothing interesting about them. 0.99

01:19:59.000 And all of a sudden, they can sell out a fucking improv for the weekend. 1.00

01:20:04.000 And now, hopefully, Organically, people will stop going to see them if they're bullshit. 1.00

01:20:09.000 Or they can figure it out. 0.97

01:20:12.000 Like, come up with something that they can do.

01:20:14.000 Maybe show video clips.

01:20:15.000 Maybe talk about things.

01:20:17.000 Have a projector behind them.

01:20:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:19.000 Somewhere they can juice it up.

01:20:20.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

01:20:20.000 Some bullshit. 1.00

01:20:21.000 Yeah, somewhere they can juice it up. 1.00

01:20:22.000 More often than not, though, I think if they figure it out, they become hacks.

01:20:26.000 Because hack works.

01:20:27.000 You know what I mean?

01:20:28.000 Right.

01:20:28.000 That's why it's...

01:20:30.000 That's why it's hack.

01:20:31.000 Well, you know, Tom Green is a really good comic now.

01:20:33.000 And Tom Green, you know, was doing movies and all that other stuff and sketches, the Tom Green show.

01:20:39.000 And now he's doing stand-up.

01:20:40.000 Well, he's a super imaginative, very, like, creative guy.

01:20:43.000 Yeah.

01:20:43.000 You know?

01:20:44.000 He's also super unique.

01:20:45.000 He's also the main reason why I did this podcast.

01:20:48.000 The Tom Green show?

01:20:49.000 Yeah.

01:20:50.000 That was awesome.

01:20:50.000 The online one.

01:20:52.000 His talk show that he did.

01:20:53.000 I remember I went to his house.

01:20:55.000 It was, like, 2007. And I was like, this is crazy.

01:20:59.000 You've got wires running through your living room.

01:21:01.000 He had servers there.

01:21:03.000 A whole room dedicated to hard drives and servers and some crazy internet connection.

01:21:08.000 It was wild.

01:21:10.000 And I was like, dude, you've just got to figure out a way to monetize this.

01:21:12.000 This is it.

01:21:13.000 This is the future.

01:21:14.000 No executives.

01:21:15.000 No one will tell you what to do.

01:21:16.000 I think I started doing versions of, like, web shows after.

01:21:20.000 And then the other one that got me into it was doing the Opie and Anthony show.

01:21:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:24.000 Because it was such a hang.

01:21:25.000 Totally.

01:21:25.000 It was just a hang.

01:21:26.000 There was no organization to it at all.

01:21:28.000 Yeah.

01:21:28.000 Bunch of funny guys, Patrice and Voss and Norton, and everyone just hanging out.

01:21:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:33.000 Shitting on each other. 0.99

01:21:34.000 That was the predecessor. 1.00

01:21:36.000 That was like the...

01:21:37.000 That was the predecessor of the podcast.

01:21:38.000 That was the thing, yeah.

01:21:38.000 Especially when they went to XM and they were unfiltered.

01:21:40.000 You can say whatever the fuck you want. 0.99

01:21:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:42.000 It's so funny to hear the clips from when they were on terrestrial radio and you're like, they're like, easy, Patrice.

01:21:47.000 And they're like, oh, wait, he can't say...

01:21:48.000 Yeah, he can't say anything.

01:21:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:50.000 Yeah.

01:21:52.000 But yeah, it is very...

01:21:53.000 It's fascinating.

01:21:55.000 But yeah, I guess that's what the radio guys were thinking.

01:21:58.000 But I agree with you. 0.99

01:21:59.000 You should try and understand what the fuck's going on, not feel threatened. 0.98

01:22:03.000 Yeah, well, I get why you would feel threatened. 0.98

01:22:07.000 I just don't think it's productive.

01:22:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:09.000 It's just like, how's it going to help you to shit on something that is obviously killing it? 0.99

01:22:13.000 Once you're already successful, the people get set in their fucking ways. 1.00

01:22:16.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

01:22:17.000 Yeah, well, especially if you're, like, a Howard Stern type dude.

01:22:19.000 You're the biggest guy ever in radio.

01:22:21.000 And then something's coming along that's taking over radio.

01:22:23.000 Like, no way.

01:22:24.000 Yeah.

01:22:24.000 Impossible.

01:22:25.000 Although, I will say, none of us have an awesome black midget that we bring on. 1.00

01:22:30.000 Dude, you couldn't anymore.

01:22:32.000 Beetlejuice rocks.

01:22:33.000 Imagine if...

01:22:33.000 Imagine if he bailed on his contract and said, you know what, I've got a billion dollars in the bank.

01:22:37.000 I'm firing all the executives, I'm buying a warehouse, and I'm going to just build a wild-ass studio in there and just do podcasts.

01:22:45.000 And go back to Howard Stern from the 80s.

01:22:47.000 Yeah, but at a certain point you kind of You're not that guy anymore, either.

01:22:51.000 That's true.

01:22:52.000 Your temperament changes, you know?

01:22:53.000 Well, he got real scared of the virus.

01:22:56.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:22:57.000 He, like, didn't go into the city for, like, fucking two years. 0.99

01:22:59.000 Yeah, that's wild. 0.99

01:23:00.000 Yeah.

01:23:01.000 I just wish...

01:23:02.000 I just want to see Beetlejuice back.

01:23:03.000 That's another one of my classics.

01:23:05.000 Is he still alive?

01:23:05.000 I think...

01:23:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:23:06.000 He's thriving.

01:23:07.000 How?

01:23:08.000 I don't know.

01:23:09.000 I don't know, but I do like to throw on some Beetlejuice clips.

01:23:11.000 I saw a clip of his sister.

01:23:13.000 Yeah, him and his sister.

01:23:14.000 It became a thing.

01:23:15.000 Looks exactly like him.

01:23:16.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:23:16.000 My favorite one is when they trick him into thinking he's talking to Obama.

01:23:20.000 Oh my god.

01:23:22.000 Was it an Obama impersonator?

01:23:24.000 The guy was barely doing a voice. 1.00

01:23:27.000 And he's going like, fuck you, Obama. 1.00

01:23:29.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:23:31.000 Beetlejuice had a personal beef with him because he said he wrote a letter to his mother.

01:23:36.000 Oh my god.

01:23:37.000 You remember when Opie and Anthony got kicked off the air because they had a homeless guy on that said he was going to rape Condoleezza Rice?

01:23:44.000 Now that's radio, baby.

01:23:47.000 This was on Sirius.

01:23:49.000 This was on XM, where they thought they could get away with anything. 0.99

01:23:53.000 Like, nope, there's a fucking line. 0.99

01:23:57.000 They didn't even know the guy was going to say it. 0.99

01:24:01.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:24:02.000 That's fucking hilarious. 0.96

01:24:03.000 To be like, this is what we need to do. 0.98

01:24:05.000 This is what we need to have radio.

01:24:07.000 What radio waves were created for.

01:24:09.000 A homeless guy.

01:24:10.000 Three million followers on Instagram.

01:24:12.000 There he is.

01:24:12.000 Wow.

01:24:13.000 Killing it. 1.00

01:24:14.000 Good for him. 0.98

01:24:14.000 Shout out to Beat. 0.98

01:24:15.000 Good for him.

01:24:16.000 He's the man.

01:24:17.000 Look at him hanging out with Manny Pacquiao and Mike Tyson.

01:24:19.000 I believe that's a Photoshop.

01:24:21.000 So what?

01:24:23.000 Let's pretend it's real.

01:24:24.000 Conor's there?

01:24:25.000 Let's pretend it's real.

01:24:27.000 That's Roberto Duran, Conor.

01:24:29.000 Let's pretend it's real.

01:24:30.000 I would love to pretend it's real.

01:24:31.000 I like to think it's real.

01:24:33.000 In my heart it is.

01:24:33.000 Look at him, he's answering a very important call.

01:24:35.000 He's on the phone with Obama right there. 1.00

01:24:39.000 Oh, fuck, dude. 1.00

01:24:41.000 So you started doing radio just to promote when you started headlining? 1.00

01:24:45.000 Yeah, on the road.

01:24:46.000 Yeah, I did a little bit before.

01:24:48.000 I mean, you would do it anytime anybody would want you on a radio show.

01:24:51.000 It was like a big...

01:24:51.000 Yeah, but it was almost always when you were doing a road gig.

01:24:54.000 Yeah, I remember the first ones I did were in Connecticut.

01:24:57.000 I was living in New York.

01:24:58.000 You get gigs in Connecticut.

01:25:00.000 You'd have to go and do a literal tiny town morning show that reached...

01:25:06.000 Five miles.

01:25:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:25:08.000 You know, in each direction.

01:25:09.000 Yeah.

01:25:10.000 But that's how you got people to come see you.

01:25:11.000 Yeah.

01:25:12.000 It was like the pioneer days.

01:25:14.000 Totally.

01:25:14.000 You know, it was literally, you're on a covered wagon making your way across the country.

01:25:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:18.000 You know?

01:25:19.000 I know.

01:25:19.000 I do.

01:25:20.000 I mean, it's so funny to think about when you're, like, to, like, want that shitty, the old days, you know what I mean? 0.98

01:25:29.000 Like, the old one-nighters and shit. 0.93

01:25:31.000 Because, I mean, it wasn't as good. 0.99

01:25:33.000 Like, I caught, again, like, the tail end of that, where it was like, You're playing fucking wherever. 0.78

01:25:37.000 And it's like everywhere had... 1.00

01:25:38.000 The comedy clubs were very shit. 0.97

01:25:40.000 Like, when you were coming up, was it like right after a boom and it was like kind of down? 0.99

01:25:44.000 Yes.

01:25:44.000 It was like not good.

01:25:46.000 There was a boom in the 80s.

01:25:47.000 So the boom in the 80s was like 84 to 88. And I came around in 88. Okay.

01:25:54.000 And back then, it was really strange.

01:25:56.000 There was a bunch of comics that really were like...

01:26:02.000 Lounge acts, but not a lounge act like a lounge act comedian, like a lounge act comic.

01:26:06.000 Like they weren't even really comedians.

01:26:08.000 Interesting.

01:26:09.000 They would just talk about things with a comedy timing.

01:26:12.000 Right, right, right.

01:26:12.000 There was nothing there.

01:26:13.000 There was a bunch of these guys.

01:26:15.000 Because it just could sustain that.

01:26:16.000 Comedy was so successful.

01:26:18.000 They would just laugh.

01:26:19.000 And so they would pick premises that other people had covered. 0.86

01:26:23.000 And some of them were like arrogant.

01:26:25.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:26.000 It was bizarre. 1.00

01:26:27.000 Like, you're fucking terrible. 1.00

01:26:29.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:26:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:26:30.000 But they had this weird sort of way of delivering material that sounded like they were a comedian.

01:26:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:36.000 They had their sleeves rolled up.

01:26:37.000 They would talk about things.

01:26:39.000 A little blazer.

01:26:39.000 God, there was a lot of them, man.

01:26:41.000 Like doing Seinfeld's Cadence, but with nothing underneath it?

01:26:45.000 Something like that.

01:26:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:46.000 They had a way of talking that made them sound like a comedian.

01:26:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:50.000 And there was a lot of them, man.

01:26:52.000 And some of them were headliners.

01:26:53.000 It was crazy.

01:26:54.000 It was crazy.

01:26:56.000 It was like the whole world wanted comedy.

01:26:58.000 And then it kind of died off.

01:27:00.000 And then it died off and a bunch of the clubs went under and all the TV shows dried up.

01:27:04.000 There used to be like Evening at the Improv and MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour and all these different shows where you could go on and you could do five minutes and if you killed, all of a sudden you're headliner on the road.

01:27:15.000 You might have seen him on MTV's Half Hour Comedy Club.

01:27:18.000 So that's TikTok back then.

01:27:20.000 Something like that.

01:27:20.000 It's like a five-minute spot.

01:27:22.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:27:23.000 Yeah, and then you could do the road.

01:27:25.000 And so you wanted to have some sort of a credit.

01:27:28.000 Like if they saw you, oh, evening at the improv.

01:27:30.000 Oh, it's cool to see you.

01:27:31.000 And then, you know, you had a credit.

01:27:32.000 And hopefully you could put together 45 minutes and close.

01:27:35.000 But there was...

01:27:36.000 It was so many comedians.

01:27:38.000 But it wasn't the quality that there are today.

01:27:41.000 Not even close.

01:27:42.000 Like, there are so many at the top end.

01:27:45.000 Like, back then at the top end...

01:27:48.000 There was a dozen.

01:27:50.000 Like the NBA in the 50s?

01:27:51.000 Right. 1.00

01:27:53.000 It's like, okay, five of those guys could play today, but most of them were fucking dog shit. 1.00

01:27:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:59.000 Yeah.

01:27:59.000 There was maybe a dozen, like real good comics.

01:28:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.97

01:28:06.000 Now there's fucking hundreds of them. 0.97

01:28:07.000 A lot of good comics. 0.99

01:28:08.000 Yeah, there's a lot of them, man.

01:28:09.000 Well, it's harder to kind of stand out, I think, a little...

01:28:11.000 But also, it's just, it's the natural order of things. 0.99

01:28:13.000 It's like, as long as something goes on, shit's gonna get better. 0.95

01:28:17.000 I mean, I do think about sports as the analogy. 0.98

01:28:19.000 Like, I mean, UFC, UFC 1 is one of the funniest things of all time, where it's like a guy with one boxing glove.

01:28:26.000 Right.

01:28:26.000 You know what I mean?

01:28:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:28:27.000 And then you flash forward to now, and it's like, you have like, you know, fucking, you know, the fucking, all the Dagestani motherfuckers that are just trained to destroy people. 1.00

01:28:38.000 It's like, you drop that guy into UFC 1, You know what I mean? 1.00

01:28:42.000 It's like fucking crazy. 0.98

01:28:43.000 Yeah, they would steamroll everybody. 0.99

01:28:45.000 But that sport is the most obvious example of something that is almost unrecognizable from 30 years ago.

01:28:52.000 Yeah.

01:28:52.000 Because the first UFC was 30 years ago.

01:28:54.000 Wow. 0.79

01:28:54.000 And if you go to 1993 to 2023, the difference is so fucking stark. 0.79

01:29:00.000 Yeah, dude.

01:29:01.000 The people are so good now.

01:29:02.000 Yeah.

01:29:03.000 It's nuts.

01:29:04.000 Yeah.

01:29:05.000 We had the DVD of UFC 1, and it's just so funny to watch Ken.

01:29:10.000 Because we were wrestling fans, and it's like, I heard Ken Shamrock fought in this thing.

01:29:14.000 That was the draw for us, for me and my brothers. 0.99

01:29:16.000 And you just watch, and you're like, what the fuck is this? 0.99

01:29:19.000 World's most dangerous man. 1.00

01:29:21.000 And they were fighting every day?

01:29:23.000 All those fights happened in one day, right?

01:29:25.000 Yeah, they had multiple fights in a day. 0.99

01:29:26.000 That's fucking wild. 0.98

01:29:27.000 Yeah, they did a lot of those. 0.99

01:29:29.000 Yeah.

01:29:29.000 They did a lot of those up until, like, the late 90s.

01:29:32.000 And then they started doing individual matches.

01:29:35.000 So were you fighting when you were also, like, starting comedy?

01:29:39.000 Was that, like, your dual life?

01:29:40.000 Yes.

01:29:41.000 Yeah.

01:29:41.000 I had three kickboxing fights while still doing stand-up.

01:29:45.000 But then I realized I can't do it.

01:29:47.000 And I was not all in in fighting or comedy. 0.97

01:29:51.000 So not being all in in fighting is fucking dangerous. 0.99

01:29:54.000 You're gonna get stomped. 1.00

01:29:56.000 And then not being all in in comedy, I was like, what am I doing?

01:29:59.000 Why am I doing this?

01:30:00.000 I mean, there's plenty of guys like that.

01:30:02.000 Getting drunk. 1.00

01:30:03.000 Trying to get pussy after open mics. 0.99

01:30:05.000 But it was really just not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. 0.99

01:30:08.000 And not being very good at comedy.

01:30:10.000 And still pretty good at fighting.

01:30:12.000 It was easier at the time.

01:30:14.000 Yeah, I was like, maybe this is what I should do.

01:30:16.000 Maybe I should go all into that.

01:30:17.000 But with fighting, if you have a thought in your head that you maybe shouldn't be doing this, you better get out now.

01:30:24.000 Right, right.

01:30:24.000 You really should get out now.

01:30:25.000 Even that much doubt kills you. 1.00

01:30:29.000 Because the guys who don't have that much doubt are going to fuck you up. 0.99

01:30:31.000 Because me, when I was 20, would have fucked up me when I was 22. Yeah. 0.99

01:30:38.000 You know, because I was a different person.

01:30:40.000 When I was all in, that's all I did.

01:30:43.000 I would wake up in the middle of the night kicking. 0.99

01:30:47.000 I would have a fucking kicking dream. 0.99

01:30:49.000 So I'd literally throw kicks in the middle of the night. 1.00

01:30:52.000 Yeah, like dogs running in their sleep.

01:30:54.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:30:54.000 It was you fucking sparring. 1.00

01:30:57.000 But it was just, I didn't know what I was going to do. 0.99

01:31:01.000 And I was like, I don't know if I can really make it as a comedian.

01:31:04.000 And then I just had to pick one or the other. 0.99

01:31:06.000 Did you just get your shit split once and you were like, I can't do this? 0.99

01:31:08.000 I lost my last fight. 0.99

01:31:09.000 I got TKO'd in my last fight.

01:31:11.000 But it was also, I fought three times in a night.

01:31:14.000 I won the first two fights.

01:31:16.000 Stopped the first guy in the first round. 0.94

01:31:18.000 Second guy I beat the fuck out of.

01:31:19.000 And the third guy, I was exhausted. 0.95

01:31:21.000 And I beat him up in the first round and then I got clipped with the left hook.

01:31:24.000 And dropped.

01:31:25.000 And it wasn't too bad.

01:31:26.000 It wasn't like the next day I was fine.

01:31:29.000 I was fine like an hour after the fight.

01:31:31.000 But it was enough where I was like, okay.

01:31:33.000 Like part of me was like, you can't go out on a loss.

01:31:36.000 Get back in there.

01:31:36.000 You can beat that guy.

01:31:37.000 You're already fucking him up. 0.99

01:31:38.000 You should have been in better shape and you shouldn't have had two fights that day. 0.99

01:31:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:42.000 But the other part of me was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. 0.99

01:31:45.000 This is a good way to end this fucking thing. 0.99

01:31:49.000 And by the way, I've been doing that to other people for so long. 0.99

01:31:52.000 To me, to get beat up a little bit was probably good for me.

01:31:54.000 The circle of life.

01:31:56.000 It was good.

01:31:56.000 It was like, you need it.

01:31:57.000 Were you like a kid that was into fucking Taekwondo and shit? 1.00

01:32:00.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:32:00.000 That's what happened. 1.00

01:32:01.000 Yeah, in high school.

01:32:03.000 Found that.

01:32:03.000 Became obsessed.

01:32:04.000 Trained every day. 1.00

01:32:05.000 And before that, what was your shit as a little-ass kid? 1.00

01:32:10.000 I was into art. 1.00

01:32:11.000 Okay.

01:32:11.000 Yeah, I wanted to be a comic book illustrator.

01:32:13.000 Oh, sick, dude.

01:32:14.000 Yeah, I wanted to make comic books.

01:32:15.000 Can you draw?

01:32:15.000 Oh, yeah, real good.

01:32:16.000 Oh, I didn't know that. 1.00

01:32:17.000 Yeah, that was my shit. 0.99

01:32:18.000 I used to draw. 1.00

01:32:18.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:32:19.000 I'm a fucking renaissance man over here. 1.00

01:32:21.000 I was really good, man. 0.98

01:32:22.000 There's some stuff online that you could find. 0.91

01:32:24.000 Like, there's one thing that I did with three little pigs.

01:32:27.000 Like, with the big bad wolf. 0.98

01:32:28.000 Hell yeah.

01:32:29.000 There's a few of those that I did.

01:32:30.000 It was like...

01:32:31.000 I drew stuff that was like, there was a lot of black and white comic books that were like these creepy and eerie, like these different, like they were very gory.

01:32:43.000 That's something I drew from Marvin Hagler.

01:32:45.000 I drew that when I was 15. That's sick.

01:32:47.000 Yeah.

01:32:48.000 That's another one I did.

01:32:50.000 That one in the upper right-hand corner.

01:32:51.000 I drew a lot of those.

01:32:53.000 A lot of werewolves.

01:32:53.000 So you were into some Asian...

01:32:54.000 Oh, that's... 0.98

01:32:55.000 Because that to me looks like one of those Japanese devils, but that's a werewolf. 0.98

01:32:58.000 Yeah, werewolves.

01:32:59.000 I was just really into werewolves. 0.99

01:33:00.000 Oh, some horror shit? 0.99

01:33:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:33:02.000 Is that one that I drew, the little red...

01:33:05.000 The Big Bad Wolf?

01:33:08.000 Is that one in there?

01:33:09.000 The Three Little Pigs?

01:33:10.000 It's in there somewhere.

01:33:11.000 Now, did you ever...

01:33:12.000 This is something we used to get...

01:33:13.000 The kid who could draw, did you ever...

01:33:15.000 Were you ever hired to draw pornography for any place? 1.00

01:33:19.000 Did you ever draw tits and jack off to it? 1.00

01:33:22.000 That's a beautiful, like, self-fulfilling cycle. 1.00

01:33:24.000 You know what I did do, though?

01:33:25.000 I would draw tattoos on my friends. 0.94

01:33:27.000 Oh, sick. 0.64

01:33:28.000 So, like, I would use, like, tactical pens.

01:33:33.000 And I would, like...

01:33:34.000 You could have, like...

01:33:35.000 It's just got, like, a...

01:33:36.000 You can get good control of different thicknesses of tips.

01:33:41.000 And so I would draw cool tattoos on my friends that were thinking about getting tattoos.

01:33:45.000 I'd be like, let me draw something on you.

01:33:47.000 Yeah, feel it out.

01:33:48.000 Yeah, this is where you wash it off. 0.99

01:33:49.000 One of my friends got his ass kicked because he came home and the mother thought it was like a real tattoo. 1.00

01:33:54.000 You fucking son of a bitch! 1.00

01:33:56.000 He's like, Joe Rogan drew it on me, it's not real! 1.00

01:33:59.000 You know that family has great communication when he doesn't even get a chance to explain it's fake?

01:34:04.000 Yeah, he's getting swung on.

01:34:06.000 He came in with a t-shirt on. 1.00

01:34:09.000 She's like, you little son of a bitch! 1.00

01:34:11.000 Because back then, kids would get tattoos, like in high school. 1.00

01:34:15.000 Oh yeah, just come home. 0.97

01:34:16.000 Yeah, with some shitty tattoo. 0.98

01:34:18.000 My friend Jimmy got this terrible tiger head tattoo on his shoulder. 0.99

01:34:23.000 And one day his mother saw something peeking out under his sleeve and she fucking started screaming at him. 1.00

01:34:28.000 What the fuck did you do? 0.99

01:34:30.000 And it had his name on it like Jimmy. 1.00

01:34:33.000 And bro, the tiger looked like it was made by a drunk five-year-old.

01:34:37.000 It was so bad. 0.99

01:34:39.000 I had a friend who just got like fucking a leaf on her foot. 1.00

01:34:43.000 And it's like, this is just here. 1.00

01:34:44.000 I was 16 and dumb. 0.99

01:34:46.000 And now I have a leaf that looks like shit on my foot. 0.99

01:34:49.000 They can laser that off, though. 0.97

01:34:50.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:34:50.000 They're really good at it now.

01:34:51.000 It hurts, though.

01:34:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:53.000 Apparently.

01:34:54.000 I've never had it done, but the laser hurts.

01:34:56.000 Interesting.

01:34:56.000 They get in there...

01:34:58.000 It just cooks the skin and breaks up all of the ink. 1.00

01:35:01.000 Broils your shit. 1.00

01:35:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:02.000 Not good. 1.00

01:35:03.000 I'm a clean canvas.

01:35:06.000 You thinking about getting something?

01:35:07.000 I think once you're 34...

01:35:09.000 Maybe a large panda bear on your back.

01:35:10.000 That's not bad.

01:35:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:35:12.000 My favorite...

01:35:13.000 With a heart on.

01:35:13.000 Yeah.

01:35:15.000 A big black and white heart dick. 1.00

01:35:18.000 I think I want an eagle with a boner just on my back. 1.00

01:35:24.000 What does an eagle's penis look like? 1.00

01:35:26.000 Would it be a human penis? 1.00

01:35:27.000 Like death from the sky? 1.00

01:35:28.000 I would do a human dick. 1.00

01:35:29.000 Human penis on an eagle? 1.00

01:35:31.000 I bet someone's already drawn it. 1.00

01:35:34.000 I bet we're talking find Google eagle with human dick. 0.99

01:35:38.000 Oh, there's a guy on Long Island who signed up after 9-11 who's definitely got that tattoo. 0.99

01:35:44.000 Jamie just laughed at me.

01:35:45.000 Oh my god.

01:35:46.000 What you just asked for, but not exactly. 1.00

01:35:47.000 No, I want the eagle to have a penis. 1.00

01:35:50.000 That's an actual flying dick. 1.00

01:35:51.000 That's an actual flying dick. 1.00

01:35:52.000 Okay, Joe. 1.00

01:35:53.000 Is there an eagle with a dick? 1.00

01:35:54.000 There's gotta be. 1.00

01:35:55.000 I guarantee you it's out there.

01:35:57.000 Dude, maybe.

01:35:58.000 There's like a thousand tattoos of me out there. 1.00

01:36:00.000 There's gotta be an eagle with a dick. 0.99

01:36:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:36:03.000 How about you, but the eagle and the dick head is your head? 1.00

01:36:07.000 Mmm, right. 1.00

01:36:08.000 It's like a giant.

01:36:09.000 Right, big ol' veiny shaft.

01:36:10.000 Big ol' veiny.

01:36:11.000 And my head like this. 0.77

01:36:13.000 You're so pissed.

01:36:16.000 Like I'm deadlifting.

01:36:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:19.000 Your face on a PR, but it's just coming off an eagle's human dick. 1.00

01:36:23.000 Bro, someone's gonna get that. 1.00

01:36:25.000 Please do.

01:36:26.000 Guaranteed.

01:36:27.000 I'll give you $1,000 if you get that tattoo.

01:36:30.000 Yes, I'll throw in $1,000 as well. 1.00

01:36:32.000 Yeah, just an eagle with a total oversized dick. 1.00

01:36:35.000 And you know what? 1.00

01:36:36.000 Actually, I have to be one of the nuts if you get it. 0.99

01:36:38.000 My face has to be one of the balls. 1.00

01:36:40.000 With a big smile. 0.99

01:36:41.000 And the glasses on.

01:36:45.000 That's awesome. 1.00

01:36:46.000 And a dick that looks like a bodybuilder's forearm. 1.00

01:36:49.000 You have veins, brother. 1.00

01:36:52.000 Yeah, you need at least three veins.

01:36:54.000 Just a missile.

01:36:55.000 One main one, two off to the soul.

01:36:57.000 Two tributaries.

01:36:58.000 A lot going on.

01:36:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:59.000 A lot of blood flow.

01:37:02.000 I love it. 1.00

01:37:03.000 How many dudes have tattooed their dick? 1.00

01:37:05.000 I bet quite a few. 1.00

01:37:06.000 I've seen a bunch.

01:37:09.000 Online.

01:37:09.000 Yeah, have you tasted a many?

01:37:11.000 They're different.

01:37:13.000 It's not Gabe, it's ink.

01:37:14.000 It tastes like copper, like a penny, like you're sucking on a penny. 1.00

01:37:18.000 I think that's just what a dick tastes like. 1.00

01:37:20.000 The guy's like, Joe, it'll be cool. 1.00

01:37:22.000 It tastes different.

01:37:23.000 Are you sure?

01:37:25.000 Come on.

01:37:27.000 Yes, dude, and this will help you get your yellow belt.

01:37:30.000 That's you for day one.

01:37:32.000 I bet there's a lot of that going on, too.

01:37:37.000 Have you ever seen that video?

01:37:38.000 There was a guy who, a karate instructor molested his kid, and they were working, the cops had arrested the guy, and they were taking him, I think it was through an airport.

01:37:47.000 They were moving through an airport, and this guy's waiting by the phone, and as the guy walks by, bang!

01:37:52.000 Blows him in the head and puts his hands up. 0.97

01:37:54.000 Fucking honestly awesome. 0.99

01:37:56.000 Everybody loves that. 0.64

01:37:57.000 Everybody loves that video.

01:37:58.000 How are you mad at that?

01:37:59.000 How are you mad at that?

01:37:59.000 Because, by the way, okay.

01:38:02.000 You know, I think if somebody molests your kid, you should be able to kill him, right? 0.99

01:38:05.000 I think that's pretty fair. 0.99

01:38:07.000 But that's not easy, dude.

01:38:08.000 He's got a small window.

01:38:10.000 He was like a mob assassin, dude.

01:38:12.000 He knows he's going to jail.

01:38:13.000 And he's like, okay, I'm going to go to jail.

01:38:15.000 So what?

01:38:15.000 I'm not going to be able to live with this.

01:38:17.000 I'm going to go to jail.

01:38:17.000 Did you ever see that one?

01:38:18.000 There's one video of a woman. 0.65

01:38:19.000 Some man had raped and murdered her seven-year-old. 0.80

01:38:23.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:38:23.000 And she shot him. 0.99

01:38:24.000 Here's the video.

01:38:25.000 The guy's walking by.

01:38:26.000 This guy's got the bag.

01:38:27.000 Bang! 1.00

01:38:27.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:38:28.000 That's a wrap, son. 1.00

01:38:32.000 By the way, those guys have terrible technique when they went to disarm him.

01:38:35.000 Oh, yeah?

01:38:36.000 Yeah, just the way the guy moved in.

01:38:38.000 Yeah. 0.88

01:38:38.000 He could've got shot. 0.88

01:38:39.000 Yeah, if that guy wanted to, he could've dropped both of those guys. 0.97

01:38:41.000 100%.

01:38:41.000 Oh, dude.

01:38:45.000 Dude, look at the fucking... 1.00

01:38:46.000 Look at his face. 1.00

01:38:47.000 Sunglasses, baseball hat.

01:38:49.000 Byow! 0.99

01:38:50.000 Was that guy like in a cop or in the army or something?

01:38:54.000 If he's just a guy, that's pretty impressive.

01:38:55.000 I don't know.

01:38:57.000 I don't know.

01:38:57.000 It's too much reading.

01:38:59.000 It's a horrible story.

01:38:59.000 1984. But there's another video of a woman in court and the guy who murdered and raped her daughter was right there.

01:39:10.000 And she just pulls out a gun and just empties it into him in court. 1.00

01:39:13.000 Bang, bang, bang! 1.00

01:39:15.000 With, like, a dead look on her face. 1.00

01:39:17.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:39:17.000 You know? 1.00

01:39:18.000 Just fuck you. 1.00

01:39:20.000 Yeah, fuck that guy. 1.00

01:39:21.000 Fuck that guy. 1.00

01:39:22.000 I mean, I think that guy got off, didn't he? 1.00

01:39:24.000 I hope he did.

01:39:24.000 He only had to, like, serve a little bit or something.

01:39:26.000 He had to mop the jail.

01:39:27.000 Yeah, just clean up after the blood in the airport.

01:39:31.000 We'll give you a Wetzel's Pretzels afterwards, too.

01:39:33.000 Take it to Cinnabon.

01:39:37.000 But do a real good job.

01:39:39.000 That can't be really...

01:39:40.000 No, I think that's it, dude.

01:39:41.000 That's it.

01:39:42.000 Dude.

01:39:44.000 No, it is.

01:39:44.000 Like, look at the guy behind.

01:39:45.000 He's holding his ears. 1.00

01:39:46.000 Holy fuck, dude. 1.00

01:39:47.000 That's real. 1.00

01:39:48.000 No, that's real, dude.

01:39:49.000 Nice with it, honestly.

01:39:50.000 She looks...

01:39:51.000 That's...

01:39:52.000 Yeah, how are you mad, man?

01:39:54.000 I saw something on Twitter similar to this.

01:39:58.000 There was like an old woman in Mexico who something like that happened and she tracked down the gangsters.

01:40:04.000 The government wouldn't help and she tracked them all down one by one. 0.99

01:40:07.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

01:40:08.000 Until they were dead or in jail. 1.00

01:40:10.000 I need that movie, brother. 1.00

01:40:12.000 That's fucking action movie beautiful. 0.99

01:40:14.000 Like Revenge Grandma. 0.99

01:40:14.000 We haven't had a Revenge Grandma. 0.99

01:40:16.000 There's something about a lady who avenges her kid's murder that's intense.

01:40:20.000 Have you seen Lady Snowblood?

01:40:21.000 No, what's that?

01:40:22.000 That's a Japanese, like, you're gonna love that movie. 1.00

01:40:24.000 You're into a lot of Japanese shit. 1.00

01:40:26.000 This has come out just now. 1.00

01:40:27.000 I don't know what this is about.

01:40:29.000 Recent in life?

01:40:30.000 I don't know.

01:40:31.000 I had one time where I kind of went to recharge.

01:40:34.000 It was, my friend gave me a Murakami book where this all started. 0.99

01:40:38.000 When I was just like, it was right after, it was like during the pandemic I'd gained a ton of fucking weight and I felt like shit. 0.98

01:40:44.000 Career stalled, everything. 0.98

01:40:45.000 And I just went to like Baltimore for like I rented a place.

01:40:48.000 I worked out with my brother and I was like off my phone. 0.99

01:40:50.000 I was just like recharging and he gave me this Murakami book and I was like, okay, this Japanese shit's cool. 0.97

01:40:56.000 I started listening to like Japanese music. 0.98

01:40:57.000 I did get into a weird, so I think there's like a Pavlov's dog thing with me where it's like any Japanese shit, it almost reminds me of that healing thing. 0.98

01:41:06.000 Point in my life. 0.99

01:41:07.000 Oh, I see.

01:41:08.000 And I got into, like...

01:41:09.000 I'm also just so into, like, revenge action.

01:41:11.000 I really want to write an action movie when I take...

01:41:13.000 After the special comes out, which is, you know...

01:41:15.000 It's coming out.

01:41:17.000 And, you know, I'm trying to promote it. 0.99

01:41:19.000 I'm doing all this shit. 0.98

01:41:19.000 But my tour is over. 0.98

01:41:20.000 I just ended at the Beacon, which is fucking sick. 0.97

01:41:23.000 And once all the, like, promo stuff's done, I just want to fucking chill out. 0.99

01:41:27.000 I want to fucking... 0.99

01:41:29.000 Watch a bunch of fucking movies. 1.00

01:41:30.000 I probably will read some Japanese shit because in my head that is like the resetting. 1.00

01:41:35.000 But anyway, Lady Snowblood, revenge film, a woman whose mom has this woman in jail and she tracks down the people who raped her mom and fucking put her in jail. 1.00

01:41:48.000 It's awesome. 0.99

01:41:50.000 Lady Snowblood's good shit, dude. 1.00

01:41:51.000 Dude, a good revenge movie. 0.99

01:41:53.000 There it is right there.

01:41:54.000 Lady Snow... 0.99

01:41:54.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:41:55.000 Dude, she fucks people up, dude. 1.00

01:41:57.000 Jesus, that's... 0.99

01:41:58.000 Nah, you'd love this movie for sure. 0.99

01:42:00.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.97

01:42:01.000 It looks badass. 0.95

01:42:02.000 It's on Criterion, and I think it's also on...

01:42:04.000 What year is this?

01:42:05.000 73?

01:42:06.000 It's good.

01:42:07.000 Wow.

01:42:08.000 Look at the dude behind her. 1.00

01:42:09.000 She fucked up. 1.00

01:42:10.000 She fucked my man up. 1.00

01:42:12.000 Oh my god, this is gory. 1.00

01:42:13.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.98

01:42:15.000 There's something about a good revenge movie, man. 0.98

01:42:18.000 It's the best.

01:42:19.000 I mean, I just watched the first half of Hard Boiled.

01:42:23.000 I'll pop that little bad boy.

01:42:25.000 What's Hard Boiled?

01:42:26.000 Oh, John Woo movie?

01:42:28.000 Oh, that's right.

01:42:29.000 Dude.

01:42:29.000 Yeah.

01:42:30.000 Another banger, absolutely.

01:42:32.000 But yeah, I'm trying to get an encyclopedic.

01:42:35.000 I'm going to watch so many Revenge and Assassin movies.

01:42:38.000 And you want to write one.

01:42:39.000 But I want to write a comedy, you know what I mean?

01:42:41.000 I want to do where I'm the guy, you know what I mean?

01:42:44.000 Oh, okay.

01:42:46.000 But I want to have like a...

01:42:47.000 Yeah, this is hard-boiled.

01:42:50.000 So sick, dude.

01:42:53.000 Yeah, there's something about a good Revenge movie, man.

01:42:56.000 Uh-oh.

01:42:57.000 Well, it's so simple.

01:42:59.000 Oh, have you seen The Killer that just came out?

01:43:01.000 Yes.

01:43:02.000 Oh, I loved it.

01:43:02.000 The Killer's great.

01:43:03.000 The Killer's great.

01:43:04.000 That's great.

01:43:05.000 I saw, like, a bad review of it, and then I was, like, a little apprehensive watching it.

01:43:10.000 I'm like, what are you talking about?

01:43:11.000 This movie's amazing.

01:43:12.000 Amazing.

01:43:12.000 Fincher, so good.

01:43:13.000 Yeah.

01:43:14.000 And it's, like, it shows you, like... 0.99

01:43:16.000 It's also interesting to think about this fucking guy, because, like, all you have is his internal monologue. 0.99

01:43:21.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

01:43:22.000 So it's, like... 1.00

01:43:23.000 Yeah, he fucks some shit up, but that's what's interesting. 1.00

01:43:26.000 We don't know. 1.00

01:43:27.000 Is this guy as good as he thinks he is?

01:43:29.000 And then how methodical he is. 0.99

01:43:31.000 And that fight scene, that middle fight scene in fucking Florida. 1.00

01:43:36.000 Incredible. 0.99

01:43:37.000 And the Tilda Swinton thing, where it's the opposite, where it's like, that's all psychological.

01:43:43.000 Whereas the other one is brute force, and it's just like...

01:43:46.000 There's also no moments in that movie where you're like, get the fuck out of here.

01:43:49.000 Totally.

01:43:50.000 You know, in a lot of action movies, there's a get the fuck out of here moment. 0.73

01:43:53.000 Yes, yes. 0.99

01:43:54.000 Yeah, he fucks up constantly. 0.99

01:43:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:56.000 He fucks up constantly. 1.00

01:43:58.000 But he's also... 0.99

01:43:59.000 Yeah, there's like three really funny fuck-ups he does. 0.76

01:44:02.000 And it's just...

01:44:03.000 You're with his internal monologue. 0.99

01:44:04.000 And he fucking looks great. 0.99

01:44:07.000 And all of it is like believable and feels as grounded as a fucking... 0.99

01:44:11.000 Assassin movie can be. 0.98

01:44:13.000 And isn't it weird that you're rooting for him?

01:44:15.000 Absolutely.

01:44:15.000 Isn't that weird?

01:44:16.000 He's an assassin. 0.99

01:44:17.000 He's just as bad as them. 0.99

01:44:19.000 Yeah.

01:44:19.000 But it is the revenge factor of...

01:44:21.000 If they hadn't hurt his...

01:44:23.000 If they hadn't hurt his girl...

01:44:25.000 That's true.

01:44:26.000 That's the one thing.

01:44:26.000 That's true.

01:44:27.000 But then it also becomes this larger thing of like...

01:44:30.000 As he's taking it to the top, you're rooting for, not to give the movie away, but it's like, you're rooting for a final resolution, and then it's like, the movie plays with that, you know, it's just like, but yeah, you do, the revenge is the thing of how it gets us to root for these people that, you know, if you were to think about it, 0.99

01:44:46.000 they're also fucking monsters. 0.98

01:44:47.000 Well, that's Tony Soprano. 1.00

01:44:49.000 Yeah.

01:44:49.000 You know, Tony Soprano was the anti-hero.

01:44:52.000 Like, you rooted for Tony Soprano, he's a murderer.

01:44:54.000 Well, that's different, though, because that's even more sinister, because, like, the revenge movies are so simple.

01:44:59.000 Right.

01:45:00.000 It's like, this guy who's cool, even though he's bad, they hurt somebody good, and he's gonna, like, get them back. 0.99

01:45:06.000 Tony Soprano's even worse, where it's like, no, this guy's a piece of shit, but he's so charming and cool. 0.99

01:45:12.000 Yeah, you like him. 1.00

01:45:12.000 And he fucking eats fucking deli meats just like me. 1.00

01:45:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:16.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:45:17.000 It's like, yeah, he's getting pussy. 1.00

01:45:19.000 He's just like a fucking awesome guy. 1.00

01:45:20.000 And you see the charm of these guys. 0.91

01:45:22.000 Yeah.

01:45:23.000 Which, I don't know if that's real.

01:45:24.000 I don't know if the actual real mobsters are that charming.

01:45:27.000 I'm sure some at the top were.

01:45:28.000 Some of them were charming.

01:45:29.000 And Gandolfini's just such a great actor.

01:45:31.000 He is so good.

01:45:32.000 But that's what's so awesome about The Sopranos. 0.81

01:45:34.000 And that's why I think they put a couple of those episodes where they're like, No, these guys are Satan. 1.00

01:45:40.000 We're like, you know, Ralphie kills the fucking, the girl he gets pregnant. 0.99

01:45:43.000 And that's a big moment where you're like, oh, I shouldn't be rooting for these guys. 1.00

01:45:48.000 Right, right, right.

01:45:48.000 Well, they made it very complicated.

01:45:50.000 How about when Tony killed Christopher Moltisanti?

01:45:53.000 Like, oh, Jesus Christ.

01:45:55.000 But that's exactly it. 1.00

01:45:56.000 At the end, you're like, this guy is fucking Satan. 1.00

01:45:58.000 This guy is a completely irredeemable piece of shit. 1.00

01:46:01.000 And the scene where fucking Carmella goes to the therapist, and he's just like, because she's always been in denial, or she's always been able to pretend, and he's just like, no. 1.00

01:46:13.000 This is blood. 0.99

01:46:13.000 I won't take your blood money. 0.99

01:46:15.000 Maybe up until this point in your life, no one has explicitly told you you're being an accomplice for this fucking bullshit. 1.00

01:46:22.000 And staying with him is not equal to, but you're involved in this evil. 1.00

01:46:29.000 And the only way for him to be able to get out of this is to turn himself in and pray for fucking redemption. 0.99

01:46:36.000 And she's just like, oh... 0.99

01:46:38.000 Well, I guess I'm going to fucking keep being part of this. 0.97

01:46:41.000 I don't want to do this. 0.98

01:46:42.000 I don't want to lose all my money.

01:46:43.000 I don't want to lose my life.

01:46:44.000 She was just trying to go to therapy to feel better.

01:46:46.000 And the guy's like, I'm not Dr. Melfi. 0.99

01:46:49.000 I'm not fucking going to enable this bullshit because I'm also wrapped up in it. 0.99

01:46:55.000 The guy was just like, I know who you are. 1.00

01:46:57.000 I know what you're trying to do.

01:46:58.000 There's no way to feel good that's not fake here.

01:47:02.000 That's also the thing.

01:47:03.000 If you lived in those neighborhoods that were run by the mob, you were under their thumb.

01:47:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:47:07.000 It was scary.

01:47:07.000 For sure.

01:47:08.000 You had to pay protection money. 0.99

01:47:09.000 If you didn't pay protection money, they'd come and fuck you up. 0.99

01:47:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:12.000 Like, that's just how it went.

01:47:13.000 I know.

01:47:14.000 It's funny.

01:47:14.000 And yeah, I mean, it's like the...

01:47:15.000 That is definitely a culture that pervades it.

01:47:19.000 Have you ever read any of the books about the 1970s mob?

01:47:23.000 You ever read Murder Machine?

01:47:24.000 I haven't read Murder Machine.

01:47:25.000 I read the...

01:47:25.000 Murder Machine is terrifying.

01:47:27.000 It's about Roy DeMeo, who's a serial killer mobster. 0.96

01:47:31.000 Serial killer. 1.00

01:47:32.000 Damn. 1.00

01:47:32.000 Find reasons to kill people. 1.00

01:47:34.000 Joey Diaz gave it to me. 1.00

01:47:35.000 You gotta read this book, cocksucker. 1.00

01:47:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:38.000 These motherfuckers were wild. 1.00

01:47:40.000 He gave me this book and I remember I read it on the road. 1.00

01:47:43.000 I was like, holy shit, it's one of those books you have to put down a few hours before you go on stage. 0.98

01:47:48.000 I gotta reset my brain and be funny again. 0.99

01:47:51.000 This is horrific.

01:47:52.000 I will check it out.

01:47:53.000 The Five Families, it's almost like an encyclopedic thing of the entire... 0.96

01:47:57.000 I forget who wrote it, but I'll fucking find it and show you. 0.92

01:48:02.000 That book is almost like a history textbook about the mob. 0.99

01:48:07.000 It's really fucking good. 0.93

01:48:08.000 But it's not as like what you're talking about where it's getting into the psychology. 0.97

01:48:13.000 It's purely like, this is who was the ball.

01:48:15.000 You know, going from Lucky...

01:48:16.000 I used to train a guy who was a hitman for Whitey Bulger. 1.00

01:48:19.000 Whoa, what the fuck? 1.00

01:48:21.000 Yeah, I taught him. 1.00

01:48:22.000 That's crazy.

01:48:25.000 What did you teach him? 1.00

01:48:26.000 Just fucking people up? 0.98

01:48:27.000 He was a dude that... 0.98

01:48:28.000 There was a bunch of people that I knew that were in the Irish mob.

01:48:31.000 And one of them was the brother of a comedian who wound up going to jail.

01:48:35.000 Okay.

01:48:35.000 Comedian friend of mine.

01:48:36.000 Bill Cosby.

01:48:37.000 No.

01:48:38.000 Irish guys.

01:48:39.000 All Irish guys.

01:48:40.000 Oh, Bill O. Cosby?

01:48:41.000 And one of them was a guy who used to come to the gym who, 99% sure...

01:48:47.000 Went to jail for murder.

01:48:48.000 I know he went to jail, but I'm pretty sure it was for murder.

01:48:50.000 Okay.

01:48:51.000 He was a hit man, and he was just asking, he would ask me, like, if I wanted to hit someone and to kill him, where would I hit him? 0.81

01:48:58.000 He would just say that? 0.88

01:48:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:00.000 Damn. 1.00

01:49:00.000 Yeah, I said, I said, probably the neck. 1.00

01:49:03.000 And he said, I think so, too. 0.99

01:49:04.000 Damn. 1.00

01:49:05.000 Yeah, just strike them in the neck. 1.00

01:49:06.000 But I go, it's gonna take more than one shot. 1.00

01:49:08.000 He goes, oh, yeah.

01:49:10.000 Like, we're just looking at each other.

01:49:11.000 Okay.

01:49:12.000 So, this is how you gotta get your weight in it to generate more power.

01:49:15.000 The problem is, you're hitting it and then you're bouncing off it.

01:49:18.000 You don't want to bounce off, you want to drive through.

01:49:19.000 So me, I'm teaching this guy. 0.95

01:49:20.000 You teach this guy how to kill. 0.96

01:49:21.000 Teach this guy how to smash. 1.00

01:49:24.000 Goddamn, dude. 1.00

01:49:24.000 That was crazy. 1.00

01:49:25.000 How old were you?

01:49:27.000 I guess 19?

01:49:29.000 Somewhere around there?

01:49:30.000 Wow.

01:49:30.000 Yeah.

01:49:31.000 That was before I ever did comedy.

01:49:33.000 And that was when I was at my most insane with martial arts.

01:49:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:49:39.000 Whereas I had just gotten out of high school.

01:49:40.000 I had all the time in the world now.

01:49:42.000 Right. 1.00

01:49:42.000 And when you're 19, that kind of shit is cool. 1.00

01:49:44.000 Yeah, I lived at home until I was 20. So I still didn't have bills, really. 0.99

01:49:49.000 Right.

01:49:49.000 And I was traveling all over the country fighting.

01:49:52.000 That's all I was doing.

01:49:52.000 Whoa, sick.

01:49:53.000 And I taught.

01:49:54.000 So I was teaching at Boston University.

01:49:57.000 I had an accredited course.

01:49:59.000 The Jehun Kim Taekwondo Institute was a very prestigious place that I went to in Boston.

01:50:04.000 And they had developed a bunch of national champions.

01:50:08.000 Michael O'Malley and John Lee and guys who represented the United States in major world competitions.

01:50:14.000 So it was like an elite gym.

01:50:15.000 I just got lucky that I found this place.

01:50:17.000 Total luck.

01:50:18.000 It was where you were from.

01:50:19.000 That's where I started.

01:50:21.000 No, it wasn't even anywhere near my house.

01:50:23.000 Oh, really?

01:50:23.000 I was coming home from a baseball game with a buddy of mine.

01:50:26.000 And as we were coming home, we were waiting to get on the tee.

01:50:30.000 The tee is like, you know, public transit.

01:50:31.000 Yeah, so I was 15, maybe 14. And so we were just walking down the street, and there were so many people that were going to get on the tee, the line was going to be crazy.

01:50:40.000 And so we said, let's go check this karate place out.

01:50:44.000 And I walked up the stairs, and as I was walking up the stairs, I caught, at the perfect moment, one of the best guys in the world training. 0.99

01:50:54.000 Damn. 0.98

01:50:54.000 So it was this guy, John Lee. 0.98

01:50:56.000 And John Lee was the national 175-pound champion, and he was preparing to fight in the World Cup.

01:51:04.000 So as I'm going up the stairs, I'm hearing this sound.

01:51:08.000 And this sound is whoomp!

01:51:10.000 Ka-ching! 1.00

01:51:11.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:51:11.000 Whoomp! 1.00

01:51:12.000 Ka-ching! 0.99

01:51:13.000 And that whomp is him kicking the bag and the ka-ching is the chains rattling as his bag goes flying through the air. 0.94

01:51:22.000 So he's got a hundred pound heavy bag and he's sending this thing into the air.

01:51:26.000 And I remember watching going, this is insane.

01:51:30.000 Yeah, you had no idea you were watching the best in the world.

01:51:32.000 I had no idea.

01:51:33.000 Not just the best in the world, but one of the best in the world in his prime, fully prepared for the world championships.

01:51:41.000 So he's just full training, at his most focused.

01:51:46.000 And I'm looking at this dude, and I said, I want to know how to do that!

01:51:51.000 I didn't know a person could do that!

01:51:54.000 He was kicking so hard!

01:51:57.000 I've never seen anybody kick anything hard before.

01:51:59.000 So for me, and he was known for, he had the best spinning back kick in the world.

01:52:05.000 And everybody who fought him, there was always a moment you had to wonder if he's gonna spin.

01:52:10.000 If you got too close and he spun, it was so fast.

01:52:13.000 And when it hit you, your liver's destroyed.

01:52:16.000 He would just slam his right heel into the right side of your body and you would just go down like you got hit by a car.

01:52:24.000 It was horrible.

01:52:25.000 He did it to so many people.

01:52:26.000 And he taught me.

01:52:28.000 He taught me how to do it.

01:52:29.000 It became my number one technique, learning from this guy. 1.00

01:52:32.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:52:33.000 Total dumb luck. 1.00

01:52:34.000 Insane. 1.00

01:52:34.000 So that was the place that I was teaching out of, and that was the place where I was teaching this fucking hitman. 1.00

01:52:40.000 Right. 1.00

01:52:40.000 Damn. 1.00

01:52:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:41.000 Like, I know he was a hitman. 1.00

01:52:43.000 What did the guy look like?

01:52:44.000 100%.

01:52:44.000 That's the place.

01:52:45.000 That's the place.

01:52:45.000 I walked up those stairs thousands of times.

01:52:48.000 Damn, dude. 1.00

01:52:49.000 I used to teach there. 1.00

01:52:50.000 That's fucking sick. 0.99

01:52:51.000 I taught there, and then they got me the job at BU. So I was 19 years old, teaching kids my age Taekwondo, and I just told them, I go, I'll give you an A if you just try. 0.99

01:53:00.000 I said, this is pass-fail A, so it counts towards your GPA. I go, all you have to do is show up, and if you can't make it, just tell me.

01:53:06.000 I go, but if you just show up, I go, you get an A. That's awesome.

01:53:10.000 Just try.

01:53:10.000 Yeah.

01:53:11.000 And I go, we're going to have fun.

01:53:12.000 I'll show you some stuff.

01:53:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:53:13.000 That's a good guy to get.

01:53:14.000 You love this shit so much. 1.00

01:53:16.000 You're also a kid. 1.00

01:53:17.000 It was such a weird job, though, because I was a kid going into a college to teach them this thing.

01:53:23.000 And I just...

01:53:24.000 So I always had to put on a display before I taught. 1.00

01:53:29.000 To prove that you know what the fuck you're talking about? 0.99

01:53:31.000 We had to get the court cleared and these guys are playing basketball and they didn't want to give up the court a lot of times. 0.99

01:53:38.000 Basketball players are a lot taller than me too.

01:53:40.000 So I would have some dude hold the pad. 0.99

01:53:43.000 I'd hold this like body shield and I would just start wailing on that thing. 0.99

01:53:47.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.93

01:53:48.000 And then next thing on, everybody's going, what is this? 0.89

01:53:50.000 Like, what are you doing here?

01:53:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:53:51.000 I'm about to teach class.

01:53:52.000 Yeah.

01:53:53.000 So that must have been cool though because you graduate, you're out of high school and you're not, did you spend time on the campus at all or it was just to teach?

01:54:00.000 Just to teach.

01:54:01.000 I went to school.

01:54:02.000 I was going to UMass Boston.

01:54:03.000 Oh, you were going.

01:54:04.000 It was a waste of time. 0.94

01:54:05.000 I was literally only doing it so people didn't think I was a loser. 0.73

01:54:09.000 Yeah.

01:54:09.000 Like I could say, oh, I'm going to UMass.

01:54:11.000 I'm going to college.

01:54:11.000 Yeah, I'm going to college.

01:54:12.000 I didn't drop out to do fucking back kicks. 0.99

01:54:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:54:16.000 Well, there was no money in this thing that I was obsessed with.

01:54:19.000 Of course.

01:54:19.000 The only money was there's a little bit of money like you can get by teaching.

01:54:22.000 Teaching. 1.00

01:54:23.000 Fucking single mothers while you teach their kids. 1.00

01:54:27.000 None of that. 1.00

01:54:28.000 I was too young.

01:54:29.000 Ah, come on.

01:54:30.000 No, I was dating girls my age.

01:54:32.000 I didn't get a MILF until I was 21. Ooh, what was the setup?

01:54:34.000 Well, she was 25. She was one of my students.

01:54:37.000 Hell yeah.

01:54:37.000 Yeah, she was older than me.

01:54:39.000 She was like the first girl that I ever dated that used to tell me what to do, and I used to think it was fun.

01:54:42.000 Oh yeah, that's nice. 0.98

01:54:43.000 When you get somebody who knows what the fuck's going on? 0.97

01:54:45.000 Sort of. 0.99

01:54:46.000 She was off by a lot.

01:54:47.000 Okay.

01:54:48.000 Also very judgmental, but hot.

01:54:50.000 She was fun.

01:54:50.000 I'll take that.

01:54:51.000 She was really, really smart.

01:54:52.000 Yeah.

01:54:53.000 So I would listen to her.

01:54:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:54:54.000 But I got in a car accident.

01:54:57.000 Some old dude ran a light and fucking t-boned my car and fucked my car up. 0.98

01:55:02.000 And when I was leaving the car, I was taking my cassettes out. 0.99

01:55:06.000 And she saw Whitesnake and made me leave it in the car.

01:55:12.000 She was leaving the car.

01:55:14.000 I'm like, what?

01:55:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:55:16.000 She's like, here I go again on my own.

01:55:19.000 Come on, this is a banger. 0.99

01:55:20.000 But 21-year-old me, like this girl that I was fucking, and she was so hot. 1.00

01:55:24.000 Teaching you life lessons. 0.99

01:55:25.000 Well, I think... 1.00

01:55:26.000 Or just how to eat pussy. 1.00

01:55:28.000 I don't know which one. 1.00

01:55:29.000 Both.

01:55:30.000 But it was also just that she was older and smarter than me and accomplished.

01:55:35.000 She had a career.

01:55:36.000 Oh, wow.

01:55:36.000 And she was just learning karate?

01:55:38.000 Yeah.

01:55:38.000 She was learning Taekwondo and then you guys struck it up?

01:55:41.000 Was it self-defense or what was she going for?

01:55:43.000 No, she was taking a class.

01:55:44.000 Oh, at college?

01:55:46.000 No, no, no, no.

01:55:47.000 This was at the gym.

01:55:48.000 This was at the Taekwondo school.

01:55:50.000 Huh.

01:55:51.000 Yeah.

01:55:52.000 I don't think of single 25-year-old moms taking Taekwondo. 1.00

01:55:54.000 She wasn't a mom. 1.00

01:55:55.000 You said MILF. Yeah, but I don't really mean that.

01:55:59.000 You mean spiritual milf.

01:55:59.000 Yeah, that's why.

01:56:01.000 I'm sorry.

01:56:02.000 No, no, no, no.

01:56:03.000 She was not.

01:56:04.000 That word gets used too much.

01:56:07.000 But she wasn't really.

01:56:08.000 She was 25. I was 21. It was just the first time I dated a woman.

01:56:12.000 All the other girls I dated were dumb chicks that were my age. 1.00

01:56:16.000 We're all dumb. 1.00

01:56:17.000 She had a career and she graduated from college. 0.99

01:56:20.000 She was smart.

01:56:21.000 That's awesome. 0.97

01:56:22.000 Yeah, when I first moved to New York, I was 24 and I fucked a girl that was like 37. Oh shit. 0.99

01:56:27.000 And that was awesome. 1.00

01:56:28.000 That's a leap, son.

01:56:29.000 That was, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:56:29.000 I only got to fuck her once, which is, you know you didn't do a great job. 0.99

01:56:33.000 But I did eat her pussy for a while. 1.00

01:56:34.000 I got, that was my first encounter with a squirter. 1.00

01:56:38.000 We fucked her. 1.00

01:56:38.000 Congratulations. 1.00

01:56:39.000 Thanks, man.

01:56:40.000 That's amazing.

01:56:40.000 Thanks, man.

01:56:41.000 Are you sure it's real?

01:56:43.000 I mean...

01:56:44.000 Are you sure she wasn't peeing all over you?

01:56:46.000 It was clear.

01:56:47.000 I've thought about this a lot.

01:56:48.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:56:48.000 How often do you pee and it's not clear?

01:56:50.000 And it's not clear?

01:56:51.000 Yeah.

01:56:52.000 Quite a bit.

01:56:53.000 I'm not very hydrated.

01:56:54.000 Okay, that's not good.

01:56:57.000 You've got to think.

01:56:58.000 It's not Amber.

01:57:00.000 You've got to rationalize. 0.99

01:57:01.000 If someone has so much piss in them that they piss while you're fucking them, they're probably hydrated. 0.99

01:57:06.000 That's true. 0.99

01:57:07.000 She didn't seem hydrated.

01:57:08.000 She was a hefty gal.

01:57:09.000 She's probably very hydrated.

01:57:11.000 You think so?

01:57:11.000 I don't know.

01:57:12.000 I don't know.

01:57:13.000 She didn't seem hydrated.

01:57:13.000 I don't know what it is.

01:57:14.000 She drank a lot.

01:57:15.000 They do say it's real, but then they also say it's just pee.

01:57:20.000 I feel like it's real.

01:57:21.000 I've thought about this a lot.

01:57:22.000 It's sort of like Jesus.

01:57:23.000 If you believe in it, Right, right, right.

01:57:25.000 It can work for you.

01:57:26.000 You make your own thing.

01:57:26.000 Faith is beautiful, Joe.

01:57:28.000 And I believe it's real.

01:57:29.000 I believe it's another thing.

01:57:30.000 It doesn't taste like piss.

01:57:31.000 How do you know what piss tastes like?

01:57:33.000 Well, you could guess.

01:57:34.000 Clear piss?

01:57:35.000 I guess I haven't tasted it.

01:57:36.000 Like really?

01:57:36.000 I guess it doesn't smell like piss.

01:57:38.000 Like from an elite ultra runner?

01:57:39.000 Yeah.

01:57:43.000 Just run it with a water bladder on.

01:57:46.000 Sucking in all that water.

01:57:48.000 Alright, not bad. 0.96

01:57:49.000 It feels cool either way.

01:57:51.000 As long as you're right, it's pure faith.

01:57:54.000 And I choose to believe it's not piss.

01:57:57.000 Jamie, what is it?

01:57:58.000 Has it definitively been addressed by science?

01:58:01.000 Wait a minute, you're not a doctor.

01:58:03.000 Have you encountered squirters though, Jamie?

01:58:05.000 Yeah, I will, yes.

01:58:06.000 But Jamie, I would like to Google.

01:58:09.000 I would like you to Google what is squirting and is it really just pee?

01:58:13.000 I think you're gonna find a divided scholarship on the matter.

01:58:17.000 I think there's a lot of people that have a vested interest in believing they were pissed on.

01:58:21.000 Big piss.

01:58:21.000 Big squirt.

01:58:22.000 Big piss money is throwing off the data.

01:58:25.000 Conclusions.

01:58:26.000 The present data based on ultrasonographic bladder monitoring and biochemical analysis indicates that squirting is essentially the involuntary emission of urine during sexual activity.

01:58:38.000 Although a marginal contribution of prostatic secretions to the emitted flu and often it exists.

01:58:46.000 So that's like... 0.99

01:58:47.000 Pussy juice. 1.00

01:58:48.000 How can they just say pussy juice? 1.00

01:58:51.000 This says, doctor's theorize squirting is a form of stress incontinence. 0.99

01:58:56.000 Isn't it kind of interesting, though, that you couldn't say pussy juice? 0.99

01:59:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:59:01.000 If you're publishing a scientific paper, we must have another word for this term that's acceptable for everyone to discuss the exact same goddamn thing. 0.95

01:59:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:59:11.000 Pussy juice. 1.00

01:59:11.000 It's pussy juice. 1.00

01:59:12.000 So you're saying we should, in the medical journals, it should say pussy juice? 0.99

01:59:16.000 Well, I just want to understand. 0.99

01:59:17.000 How is their pleasure of a geyser?

01:59:19.000 If it's the same thing, because that's some ladies. 1.00

01:59:22.000 But if it's the same thing, why is pussy juice offensive, and why is that other long-ass word inoffensive, when they're literally just sounds you make so I know what you're talking about? 0.97

01:59:34.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:59:35.000 That's all it is.

01:59:36.000 No, I agree with you.

01:59:37.000 I mean, now we're talking about what is language.

01:59:39.000 Right.

01:59:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:59:40.000 It's like a different word.

01:59:41.000 But specifically with certain things.

01:59:42.000 Yes. 0.99

01:59:43.000 Like pussy juice. 1.00

01:59:44.000 Pussy juice. 1.00

01:59:44.000 I think you'd have to go at least, I think maybe vaginal juice. 1.00

01:59:47.000 Right, if you were talking to a doctor and the doctor was saying, you got a problem with your pussy juice. 1.00

01:59:51.000 You're like, this doctor's trying to fuck me. 1.00

01:59:52.000 You gotta get out of there. 1.00

01:59:52.000 I gotta get out of here. 1.00

01:59:53.000 Was he even wearing gloves?

01:59:56.000 Why did he smell like cologne? 0.99

01:59:57.000 He's like, oh yeah, your pH is fucked up. 0.99

02:00:02.000 Time for a little test? 0.99

02:00:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:04.000 He's talking about your pussy. 1.00

02:00:05.000 That's not good. 1.00

02:00:07.000 Nope. 1.00

02:00:08.000 Yeah, your cunt's all fucked up. 1.00

02:00:13.000 You absolutely need someone to use words. 1.00

02:00:17.000 You got what I like to call rusty cunt. 0.99

02:00:19.000 Squirting is related to glands in the urethral sponge, which is embedded in the vaginal walls along the sides of the urethra. 0.99

02:00:26.000 These glands, called skein's glands, are part of the urination process. 0.96

02:00:31.000 Researchers have long debated whether squirting liquid contains pee or if it's a unique substance.

02:00:35.000 In studies where researchers performed a chemical analysis of squirting fluid, they found chemicals that are also in urine.

02:00:42.000 But here's the thing.

02:00:43.000 I want to know, but hold on a second.

02:00:45.000 Chemical analysis of squirting liquid.

02:00:49.000 Researchers performed a chemical analysis of squirting liquid.

02:00:54.000 And how doth one acquire such squirting liquid?

02:00:57.000 What scientific studies are you finger-banging, ladies, until they squirt all over the place? 1.00

02:01:02.000 They asked a man to pleasure five women to find out. 1.00

02:01:04.000 Oh, my God.

02:01:05.000 They asked a man to pleasure five women. 1.00

02:01:07.000 They paid a guy for science.

02:01:08.000 That's got to feel awesome to be that guy.

02:01:10.000 What did he do?

02:01:11.000 Oh, it was in Japan.

02:01:13.000 It's all coming full circle, baby.

02:01:15.000 All roads lead to Japan. 0.66

02:01:18.000 That makes sense.

02:01:19.000 The land of the rising sun.

02:01:20.000 Now I'm not shocked.

02:01:21.000 Yeah.

02:01:22.000 Of course they did.

02:01:23.000 Some guy just bowing.

02:01:24.000 This guy probably came in with a briefcase.

02:01:26.000 Two of the women were in their 30s, two in their 40s, and one was in her 50s.

02:01:30.000 And all of them said they had previously squirted in past sexual encounters. 1.00

02:01:34.000 Let's fucking go. 1.00

02:01:36.000 Let's do it. 1.00

02:01:36.000 Unlike vaginal lubrication, where a person's vagina secretes a white and milky fluid when they're aroused, squirting involves a clear and odorless fluid. 1.00

02:01:43.000 A.K.A. Squirt. 0.98

02:01:45.000 Pussy juice. 1.00

02:01:47.000 Squirting can happen before, during, or after an orgasm and has geyser-like quality. 0.99

02:01:53.000 Sex educator Marla Renee Stewart previously told Cosmopolitan, imagine if you're a lady and you're a squirting expert. 1.00

02:02:00.000 Right. 0.99

02:02:01.000 That's a freak.

02:02:02.000 Hell yeah. 1.00

02:02:02.000 You know she knows how to fucking do tricks with her pussy. 1.00

02:02:05.000 Here's how it happens. 1.00

02:02:06.000 Okay.

02:02:06.000 Doctors examined the urine from each woman's bladder using a urethral catheter.

02:02:12.000 They injected them with 50 milliliters of blue dye saline solution.

02:02:16.000 In another room, women received manual penetration from a male subject the doctor recruited. 0.87

02:02:22.000 They're like, we need the finest finger popper in the land. 0.89

02:02:25.000 The finest.

02:02:26.000 And the shogunate.

02:02:27.000 Kaizen.

02:02:28.000 I have been fingering in the mountains for decades.

02:02:30.000 So yeah, some guy in the mountains just doing this? 1.00

02:02:32.000 They instructed the man to use his fingers and penis. 1.00

02:02:35.000 And penis! 1.00

02:02:36.000 In a way to facilitate squirting. 1.00

02:02:38.000 Let me just say, these gals sound cool. 1.00

02:02:40.000 This guy banged them.

02:02:41.000 That's awesome. 1.00

02:02:42.000 Fingers and penis. 1.00

02:02:44.000 This is crazy. 1.00

02:02:44.000 He banged them for the International Journal of Urology. 1.00

02:02:48.000 That is so insane.

02:02:50.000 Scientific finger popping.

02:02:51.000 So what does it find?

02:02:52.000 Each of the five women squirted the doctor saw blue liquid come out of their genital areas in videos that captured the experiment. 0.81

02:02:58.000 Their findings suggest the liquid women produce when they squirt comes, at least in part, from the bladder. 0.98

02:03:03.000 Okay.

02:03:04.000 Urologists wrote in their August 24 paper published in the International Journal of Urology.

02:03:08.000 This is so wild.

02:03:09.000 Okay. 1.00

02:03:10.000 They paid a guy to fuck the piss out of these girls. 1.00

02:03:12.000 Like literally. 1.00

02:03:14.000 What a job. 1.00

02:03:14.000 He fucked the piss out of them. 1.00

02:03:15.000 Mom, dad. 1.00

02:03:16.000 He literally fucked the piss out of them. 1.00

02:03:17.000 That's awesome. 1.00

02:03:18.000 And he was like, you thought I'd never amount to anything?

02:03:21.000 That is wild.

02:03:22.000 Okay, here's...

02:03:22.000 Okay, ready?

02:03:23.000 How about this?

02:03:23.000 Okay, it has piss in it, right?

02:03:25.000 But they have something else in there too, right? 1.00

02:03:27.000 So whatever pussy juice they couldn't say. 1.00

02:03:29.000 Yeah, whatever's on the walls of the vagina as it comes squirting out like a geyser. 1.00

02:03:35.000 So how about this? 0.98

02:03:36.000 It's probably like steroids they find in supplements, like accidental steroids.

02:03:39.000 Yeah, you can find it.

02:03:40.000 Absolutely.

02:03:40.000 So here's what I posit.

02:03:43.000 Even if it starts as piss, water, you add Kool-Aid to it, Kool-Aid powder.

02:03:48.000 Now it's Kool-Aid. 0.99

02:03:49.000 So the piss, you add special little concentrated pussy juice in there. 1.00

02:03:54.000 Okay. 1.00

02:03:54.000 Now it's squirt. 1.00

02:03:55.000 All right, piss.

02:03:57.000 I'm not buying it.

02:03:58.000 Maybe a couple of those.

02:03:59.000 I'm not scared of piss.

02:04:01.000 But let's just be honest about what it is.

02:04:03.000 That wouldn't bother me if someone peed on me.

02:04:05.000 Agree to disagree.

02:04:06.000 It's not that big a deal.

02:04:07.000 I wouldn't want...

02:04:08.000 I guess if it was very clear pit, I guess it was like the squirt I found. 0.98

02:04:12.000 Look, if you're really into a girl and you're having sex and she accidentally pees on you, are you going to stop? 0.98

02:04:16.000 You know what? 0.90

02:04:17.000 I actually...

02:04:18.000 No.

02:04:19.000 Well, have I busted yet?

02:04:20.000 No.

02:04:21.000 No.

02:04:21.000 Let it go.

02:04:23.000 Let it go. 1.00

02:04:25.000 This is fucking body fluid. 1.00

02:04:26.000 I will say, actually... 1.00

02:04:29.000 Maybe I have encountered some tough squirt.

02:04:37.000 That should be the name of your next special.

02:04:42.000 Oh my god, dude. 0.99

02:04:45.000 Now that we're thinking about it, and she was not hydrated, and it was like, you know when you crack open crabs and it has that little yellow shit in there? 0.99

02:04:55.000 That was left on the fucking sheets? 0.99

02:04:57.000 And it was so frank, I couldn't get hard afterwards. 1.00

02:05:03.000 I hate her pussy. 1.00

02:05:04.000 And then I got like... 1.00

02:05:06.000 Oh, my God.

02:05:09.000 Oh, man.

02:05:10.000 Oh, my God. 0.98

02:05:11.000 And she even was like, damn, I need to drink more water. 0.99

02:05:13.000 Did she blast on you? 0.99

02:05:14.000 Yeah, dude. 0.66

02:05:15.000 In the mouth?

02:05:16.000 Everywhere?

02:05:16.000 Very much so.

02:05:17.000 Oh, my God.

02:05:19.000 I'm just picturing this.

02:05:21.000 The amount of urine depends on when the person peed last and how hydrated they are.

02:05:25.000 New York University sex researcher Zana Wranglova told MindBodyGreen.

02:05:32.000 That's a hot name, too.

02:05:34.000 I bet she's hot, too. 1.00

02:05:35.000 She sounds like the evil lady we were talking about earlier. 1.00

02:05:37.000 Perfect features. 0.99

02:05:38.000 Talking about piss. 1.00

02:05:39.000 Angular big-ass tits. 1.00

02:05:41.000 How wild is that Japanese study, though? 0.99

02:05:44.000 But that's the kind of science you can get away with if you're living in a country that's more open-minded. 0.99

02:05:49.000 Yeah, but then again, they fucking blur out the genitals. 1.00

02:05:53.000 That's the fucking trade-off. 1.00

02:05:55.000 I know. 0.99

02:05:55.000 That's what's wild, but I'll take both. 0.99

02:05:56.000 Yeah.

02:05:57.000 The other thing is, like, the weird thing is, like, that this guy, how did he get that job?

02:06:02.000 Did he have to audition?

02:06:03.000 Like, how did he know he wasn't going to fall apart?

02:06:06.000 It says he was recruited.

02:06:07.000 Right, but how did they know he was going to get hard?

02:06:09.000 Maybe one of the doctors was a freak.

02:06:11.000 Yeah, they found this dude.

02:06:12.000 You gotta find the best.

02:06:14.000 That sounds also like the plot.

02:06:16.000 This study probably was recorded and put out with blurred genitals. 0.91

02:06:20.000 This sounds like the plot of a Japanese pornography.

02:06:23.000 This story could be a comedy movie if we had a time machine.

02:06:27.000 Yeah.

02:06:28.000 Yeah, all the squirt. 0.78

02:06:30.000 No, if we could bring it back to like 1994 when you could make a movie like this and not go to jail.

02:06:35.000 Yes, yes, yes.

02:06:36.000 And not get canceled.

02:06:37.000 If you tried to make this movie today, the outrage would be off the charts.

02:06:40.000 The Squirt Doctor?

02:06:41.000 You think you couldn't make The Squirt Doctor?

02:06:42.000 No chance. 1.00

02:06:44.000 This guy, you're gonna have him finger-banging these women and fuck the shit out of them, all five of them, and they're hiring this guy to come in and sling dick. 1.00

02:06:51.000 It would probably have to be a lesbian thing. 1.00

02:06:52.000 And you find out that these women are just pissing all over him. 1.00

02:06:55.000 I don't know. 0.94

02:06:55.000 And all their dreams are shattered because they thought they were squirters. 0.94

02:06:58.000 They were the rare hot squirter.

02:06:59.000 But meanwhile, they're just peeing on guys.

02:07:01.000 And now these guys are leaking that to the world. 0.70

02:07:04.000 It gets on the internet and everybody knows that you're just peeing on folks. 0.97

02:07:07.000 You're just peeing on folks! 0.98

02:07:08.000 What if the guy was hot and it's for women? 0.99

02:07:10.000 I'm sure he's hot.

02:07:12.000 I'm sure he's probably hot.

02:07:13.000 They wouldn't force the women to... 1.00

02:07:14.000 I mean, if they forced the women to have sex with some gross guy... 0.99

02:07:17.000 I made a nice discovery just now. 0.99

02:07:19.000 What?

02:07:20.000 I found a video of the test.

02:07:22.000 No!

02:07:23.000 Put it up.

02:07:24.000 The actual test?

02:07:25.000 Yeah.

02:07:25.000 Let's go.

02:07:26.000 Put it up.

02:07:26.000 I love learning, dude.

02:07:27.000 I love science.

02:07:28.000 Put it up there.

02:07:29.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:07:30.000 No! 0.99

02:07:31.000 This can't be the fucking actual test. 0.99

02:07:33.000 Let me see this. 0.99

02:07:35.000 I don't know if there's sound or not.

02:07:36.000 Well, the audience can't see this, right? 0.99

02:07:38.000 What the fuck is this? 0.99

02:07:40.000 Yo! 1.00

02:07:40.000 What am I looking at? 1.00

02:07:41.000 That's his fingers and her pussy from the back. 1.00

02:07:43.000 Those are ass cheeks. 1.00

02:07:45.000 And this is the blue liquid. 0.89

02:07:47.000 See, there's blue liquid everywhere. 1.00

02:07:48.000 Yo, that's him fucking! 1.00

02:07:50.000 Oh, you see her tits. 1.00

02:07:52.000 There's blue liquid coming out. 0.99

02:07:53.000 First of all, that has not been my experience.

02:07:56.000 It's dribbling out.

02:07:57.000 Look at them.

02:07:58.000 There's someone else under there catching it.

02:08:00.000 That's what's crazy.

02:08:01.000 That's sick, dude. 0.99

02:08:01.000 And look at those untamed Asian bushes. 0.99

02:08:04.000 It looks like the other guy.

02:08:06.000 Oh, wow.

02:08:06.000 Oh, my God.

02:08:07.000 Now we're talking.

02:08:09.000 That's what I... Oh, my God.

02:08:11.000 Look at her go. 1.00

02:08:12.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:08:14.000 Look, they're collecting it. 1.00

02:08:15.000 This girl's got it trimmed, though. 1.00

02:08:19.000 Oh my god, this is so wild.

02:08:21.000 You can tell it's not porn, though, because it's not blurred. 0.99

02:08:24.000 You're right, this is fucking science. 0.98

02:08:26.000 I'm not hard at all, honestly. 0.99

02:08:27.000 They should do that for all porn from Japan. 0.83

02:08:29.000 Just making science experiments.

02:08:33.000 The music's nice touch.

02:08:33.000 Yeah, the music's relaxing.

02:08:35.000 This is insane.

02:08:37.000 Dude, this man is going after it. 1.00

02:08:38.000 Can we see his penis? 1.00

02:08:40.000 I don't think they'll let you see his penis. 1.00

02:08:42.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

02:08:43.000 That's...

02:08:44.000 I mean, she's basically pissing out Blue Kool-Aid. 1.00

02:08:47.000 Look at that.

02:08:48.000 That is so crazy.

02:08:50.000 She's peeing! 1.00

02:08:51.000 She's just peeing. 1.00

02:08:52.000 But the one girl, the one was squirting. 1.00

02:08:55.000 You see that geyser? 1.00

02:08:56.000 That fucking pop. 1.00

02:08:57.000 She was peeing. 1.00

02:08:58.000 I don't know, man.

02:09:00.000 That's what girls do if they were peeing. 1.00

02:09:02.000 If they had to pee and just laid on their back and peed, it would just squirt up in the air.

02:09:06.000 Yeah, I guess you're right.

02:09:07.000 Yeah, of course I'm right.

02:09:08.000 Jesus Christ.

02:09:09.000 What are you talking about?

02:09:10.000 I want to believe, Joe.

02:09:11.000 I know you do.

02:09:12.000 I know you do.

02:09:12.000 It's fascinating.

02:09:14.000 I want to believe, brother. 0.98

02:09:15.000 I'm just really obsessed with this fucking Japanese department of urology that did this. 0.98

02:09:23.000 That's what's fascinating. 0.97

02:09:24.000 I want to know about the guy.

02:09:25.000 They got this run up the flagpole.

02:09:26.000 You should get the guy in here.

02:09:28.000 Maybe. 1.00

02:09:28.000 But those fucking doctors, they ran up the flagpole to, like, who? 1.00

02:09:34.000 And they were like, yeah, let's go. 1.00

02:09:36.000 Let's go. 0.99

02:09:36.000 We got a little extra money in the fucking... 0.99

02:09:38.000 That feels like they're going to be under budget unless they have one more study. 0.99

02:09:43.000 And they let one guy be like, what if we checked out a squirt is pissed?

02:09:47.000 They're like...

02:09:48.000 Beautiful idea.

02:09:48.000 I wonder how much money they spent to check out if Squirt is piss.

02:09:52.000 Jamie, will you send me that article?

02:09:54.000 This needs further investigation.

02:09:56.000 I'm still investigating this right now.

02:09:58.000 Please just text me that article.

02:10:00.000 Yes.

02:10:01.000 So there's five women. 1.00

02:10:02.000 There's one guy. 1.00

02:10:03.000 He only fucks them once. 0.99

02:10:04.000 Is it an afternoon? 0.99

02:10:05.000 Who knows?

02:10:06.000 He's probably banging them for months.

02:10:07.000 Yeah, do you think they kept in touch afterwards?

02:10:09.000 They have money.

02:10:10.000 They probably put together a whole series of bangs. 0.54

02:10:12.000 Wow.

02:10:13.000 You can't just count on one.

02:10:14.000 It's like you're filming a special.

02:10:15.000 That's true.

02:10:16.000 You want to have a few shows.

02:10:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:10:18.000 I also like they recruited him, but they had to recruit good squirters too.

02:10:22.000 Reliable squirters.

02:10:23.000 Reliable.

02:10:23.000 Girls had squirted multiple times.

02:10:25.000 But some women pee if they laugh. 1.00

02:10:28.000 True.

02:10:28.000 I mean, that's kind of probably similar.

02:10:31.000 The involuntary reaction.

02:10:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:10:33.000 Do they squirt when they're orgasming or they just squirt in the middle of intercourse? 0.94

02:10:37.000 No, no. 0.62

02:10:37.000 Orgasm. 0.62

02:10:38.000 Only?

02:10:39.000 Yeah.

02:10:40.000 Is that what they tell you?

02:10:41.000 Listen, like I said, I've been very upfront with having disgusting squirt in my mouth.

02:10:45.000 Why would I start lying now, Joe?

02:10:49.000 I've established my bona fides.

02:10:55.000 Oh my god, good point.

02:10:57.000 Thank you.

02:10:57.000 Very good point.

02:11:01.000 So you've never encountered it, or you have?

02:11:02.000 No, I've never encountered it.

02:11:04.000 Wow!

02:11:04.000 No.

02:11:05.000 Interesting.

02:11:05.000 Yeah.

02:11:06.000 Well, it wasn't a thing when I was a kid, man.

02:11:09.000 You think it's learned behavior?

02:11:10.000 I think it came about because of porn.

02:11:12.000 Interesting.

02:11:13.000 I mean, I'm sure, let me be clear, I'm sure it was happening before porn, but it was never a thing that was discussed.

02:11:22.000 Right, right, right.

02:11:23.000 When I was in high school, my friends, no one ever talked about a squirter.

02:11:27.000 Kids in high school talk about squirters now.

02:11:29.000 That's true.

02:11:29.000 They'll go, I heard she's a squirter.

02:11:31.000 Yeah.

02:11:31.000 They make things up.

02:11:32.000 They just heard of the term squirter.

02:11:35.000 They've heard someone say a girl's a squirter. 1.00

02:11:37.000 Well, they know more now, these children. 0.99

02:11:38.000 What was the wildest shit anybody did? 1.00

02:11:42.000 Was anal the most wild shit anybody would do? 1.00

02:11:45.000 There was no squirting? 1.00

02:11:45.000 There was no, I think, even anal back then. 1.00

02:11:48.000 It felt like a taboo. 0.92

02:11:50.000 Yeah, and girls didn't shave. 1.00

02:11:52.000 It was chaos.

02:11:56.000 First mentioned in the 7th century poem, female ejaculation and the Graftenberg spot, the G-spot, are described in detail in most works of Kama Sutra.

02:12:07.000 In ancient Western writings, the emission of female fluid is mentioned even earlier, depicted at about 300 BC by Aristotle in the 2nd century by Galen.

02:12:16.000 So even Aristotle got duped.

02:12:18.000 They didn't have a piss study.

02:12:20.000 So this magical piss study from Japan... 1.00

02:12:24.000 Really?

02:12:25.000 Wait, Aristotle was in the dark?

02:12:27.000 He's like, bro, I'm telling you, I get him to squirt.

02:12:29.000 Yeah, they're not pissing, bro.

02:12:32.000 There was no squirters.

02:12:33.000 No one talked about it. 0.75

02:12:34.000 Maybe that's why they killed Socrates, because he said it was piss. 1.00

02:12:37.000 They're like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:12:39.000 Probably. 1.00

02:12:40.000 Aristotle was like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:12:43.000 What did I tell you, bitch? 1.00

02:12:46.000 Let me believe! 1.00

02:12:47.000 I'm not drinking piss.

02:12:48.000 Now drink this hemlock. 0.99

02:12:49.000 Piss is gross. 1.00

02:12:52.000 A law, at least in 2014, a law in the UK where guidelines state it's fine to depict a woman gagging on a dick, but female ejaculation can only be shown in short sequences. 1.00

02:13:05.000 Wow. 0.99

02:13:06.000 Cannot land on anyone and cannot be consumed.

02:13:08.000 Cannot land?

02:13:09.000 Cannot be consumed.

02:13:11.000 The UK has strict guidelines when it comes to piss.

02:13:14.000 How did this become an issue for them?

02:13:15.000 Like in porn or just in movies? 0.81

02:13:17.000 Porn, porn, porn. 0.99

02:13:17.000 VOD porn. 0.99

02:13:18.000 You can't show squirt and porn.

02:13:19.000 They're still holding on to any type of control they have over people. 1.00

02:13:26.000 The empire's over, you pieces of shit. 1.00

02:13:28.000 But imagine... 1.00

02:13:29.000 Let people drink squirt. 0.91

02:13:30.000 Imagine if you're a grown adult, and you're the one who's passing rules, and you're like, here's one we have to address.

02:13:36.000 Do we or do we not let folks pee on each other?

02:13:38.000 Well, I find it rather distasteful when they drink the squirt.

02:13:42.000 Can we make a compromise?

02:13:44.000 Perhaps.

02:13:44.000 I would say, what if the squirt doesn't land on anyone?

02:13:48.000 And what if it's only for a short duration?

02:13:51.000 Let's put a time limit on the squirt. 1.00

02:13:54.000 I believe five seconds is sufficient. 0.98

02:13:57.000 Female ejaculating? 1.00

02:13:59.000 Oh no, that won't do. 1.00

02:14:02.000 Unfortunately, it is piss. 1.00

02:14:06.000 Kill him! 1.00

02:14:11.000 I love this idea. 1.00

02:14:12.000 I love this idea that this is like the biggest conspiracy.

02:14:15.000 This is like, you know, now only the Japanese have brought it to light.

02:14:19.000 But it's interesting because that would have never been, that research would have never been done in America.

02:14:23.000 And if it was done in America, it would seem creepy. 0.99

02:14:26.000 It would seem like there's some doctors trying to fuck some patients. 0.99

02:14:29.000 But because it's done in Japan, I'm like, oh, they probably follow the rules. 0.99

02:14:33.000 They probably did it exactly. 1.00

02:14:35.000 They bowed to the pussy after every time. 1.00

02:14:37.000 Yeah, thank you. 1.00

02:14:39.000 Respectful.

02:14:40.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:14:41.000 I feel like...

02:14:42.000 Yeah, here it would be weird.

02:14:44.000 It doesn't bother me. 1.00

02:14:44.000 But if I found that it came out of Cincinnati, I'd be like, oh, this fucking freak. 1.00

02:14:50.000 What agenda do they have? 1.00

02:14:52.000 Like that doctor.

02:14:53.000 What was his name?

02:14:54.000 Keyes?

02:14:55.000 No.

02:14:55.000 What was that sex doctor, the famous sex doctor they made a documentary about?

02:14:59.000 Dr. Ruth?

02:15:00.000 No.

02:15:01.000 Oh, no.

02:15:02.000 Kinsey.

02:15:03.000 Kinsey, yes.

02:15:04.000 Was it a documentary?

02:15:06.000 Didn't Liam Neeson play him?

02:15:07.000 That was right.

02:15:07.000 It was a movie.

02:15:08.000 It wasn't a documentary.

02:15:09.000 I think there has been a documentary as well.

02:15:11.000 There's probably a documentary about him as well. 1.00

02:15:12.000 This guy was into some wild shit. 0.99

02:15:15.000 Oh, yeah? 0.99

02:15:16.000 And so much of what, like, people quote his studies, you know, as if, like, this is information that we now know about people and sexuality.

02:15:27.000 But hold on.

02:15:29.000 Coming from who?

02:15:30.000 Yeah, Kinsey.

02:15:31.000 Some freak in a lab coat.

02:15:32.000 Yeah, what are you into, buddy? 0.99

02:15:34.000 Oh, hell yeah.

02:15:35.000 Widely regarded as the first major figure in American sexology.

02:15:38.000 His research helped pave the way for a deeper exploration of sexuality amongst sexologists and the greater public, as well as liberating female sexuality.

02:15:46.000 But what is the controversial aspects of his work, though? 0.98

02:15:49.000 There was some controversial shit about him. 0.96

02:15:54.000 The thing I know about him is the Kinsey scale, which is basically saying no one's fully gay, no one's fully straight. 0.99

02:16:02.000 It's like zero is you're the gayest guy of all time, five is you're the straightest guy of all time, I think. 0.97

02:16:07.000 Yeah.

02:16:07.000 Which seems to make sense.

02:16:09.000 Well, I would imagine... 0.98

02:16:11.000 If you lived in Rome in times, everybody would be gay. 1.00

02:16:16.000 But as a straight man... 0.92

02:16:17.000 The curve...

02:16:18.000 A straight man...

02:16:19.000 You've grown on a curve in Rome.

02:16:20.000 Who's reproduced.

02:16:21.000 Yeah.

02:16:24.000 You're lying if you think that if you were born in Rome...

02:16:29.000 Let's get into it.

02:16:31.000 ...in one B.C. that you wouldn't be engaging in gay sex. 1.00

02:16:36.000 Get your dick sucked after a nice bath. 1.00

02:16:37.000 They all did it. 1.00

02:16:38.000 Yeah.

02:16:38.000 So what are you gonna do?

02:16:39.000 You gonna be the one guy that doesn't get your dick sucked? 1.00

02:16:41.000 No. 1.00

02:16:42.000 One guy that doesn't suck a little cock? 1.00

02:16:43.000 Come on, dude. 1.00

02:16:44.000 You're bringing down the vibes, dude.

02:16:46.000 And I think there was a thing back then with men where they would go to war and they'd go on these campaigns.

02:16:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:16:52.000 And they're just a bunch of horny dudes fucking each other. 0.99

02:16:54.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

02:16:55.000 And it became, if it's acceptable, it's way more convenient.

02:16:58.000 Right.

02:16:59.000 Matter of... 0.99

02:16:59.000 I mean, the Spartans were gay as hell. 0.99

02:17:01.000 Gay as hell! 1.00

02:17:01.000 They barely saw... 1.00

02:17:02.000 They only saw women to fuck them to reproduce and then they're just hanging out in the barracks and they're fucking each other. 1.00

02:17:08.000 There's no way around it. 1.00

02:17:09.000 Fighting like savages.

02:17:11.000 That's what's crazy. 1.00

02:17:12.000 Some of the scariest armies in history were gay. 1.00

02:17:16.000 Absolutely. 1.00

02:17:17.000 Wild! 1.00

02:17:17.000 The British, they were taking over the world and fucking each other in the ass on the ships. 1.00

02:17:21.000 What do you think was going on in that long boat ride to India? 1.00

02:17:24.000 Bro, why do you think pirates dress like that?

02:17:27.000 Why has a pirate got a scarf on and big earrings? 1.00

02:17:31.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:17:32.000 That guy's gay as fuck. 1.00

02:17:33.000 Sorry to bring it back to this ejaculation. 1.00

02:17:35.000 Oh my god, Jamie's obsessed. 0.90

02:17:36.000 They did not have one guy do it, apparently.

02:17:38.000 Most of the samples also contain prostate-specific antigen, which does not originate in the bladder.

02:17:43.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:17:44.000 That suggests that squirting is not entirely composed of urine.

02:17:46.000 That's the Kool-Aid powder in my hypothesis.

02:17:49.000 It's the prostate-specific antigens.

02:17:51.000 Three were able to use their hands alone to squirt, while the other two required penetrative sexual stimulation. 0.56

02:17:57.000 In this case, from two male partners to squirt.

02:18:00.000 She was getting tag-teamed? 0.98

02:18:01.000 No, no.

02:18:02.000 Each of them had their own guy.

02:18:05.000 Oh, I see.

02:18:06.000 That makes sense.

02:18:07.000 The guy's going to get tight. 1.00

02:18:07.000 Maybe the girl's like, I can squirt, but I need two dicks. 1.00

02:18:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:18:11.000 This only happened five times. 1.00

02:18:12.000 Maybe a thumb in my ass, too. 1.00

02:18:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:15.000 Someone needs to choke me. 1.00

02:18:17.000 Who's got a tie?

02:18:17.000 Yeah.

02:18:18.000 They all do.

02:18:19.000 It's all science.

02:18:20.000 This is science.

02:18:21.000 This is the only way to get a sample.

02:18:23.000 I love it.

02:18:25.000 Males can apparently square two. 1.00

02:18:26.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

02:18:27.000 You're peeing, buddy. 1.00

02:18:28.000 No, this is bullshit. 1.00

02:18:30.000 We've gone too far. 1.00

02:18:31.000 No, no, no.

02:18:31.000 See, this is where your belief system falls apart.

02:18:34.000 No, don't do this to me.

02:18:36.000 International Journal of Urology described a man who ejaculated, then 20 seconds later squirted for about a minute.

02:18:43.000 This fluid was analyzed and also confirmed to be mostly urine. 0.97

02:18:47.000 Bro, you peed. 0.94

02:18:48.000 I'm talking about female squirt. 1.00

02:18:50.000 Get this fucking bullshit out of here. 1.00

02:18:52.000 Don't lock me in with these fucking lunatics. 1.00

02:18:55.000 What I'm talking about is good, honest women's pussy squirting. 1.00

02:18:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:18:59.000 It's pee. 1.00

02:19:00.000 Look, the description of the experiment sounds notably uncomfortable as it involved an ultrasound probe inserted into the man's rectum used to measure contractions in the bladder. 1.00

02:19:14.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:19:15.000 Our studies suck so hard compared to Japan studies. 1.00

02:19:18.000 You get the nice green tea. 0.99

02:19:20.000 I mean, Japan had a nail. 1.00

02:19:21.000 This guy's got a fucking radar machine up his ass. 1.00

02:19:26.000 He's glowing. 1.00

02:19:27.000 His balls are glowing red. 1.00

02:19:29.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

02:19:29.000 What are you doing to that guy? 1.00

02:19:31.000 I've never heard of male squirting. 1.00

02:19:32.000 But also, if you've got something up your ass, your body's behaving differently. 1.00

02:19:37.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00

02:19:37.000 If you had a finger up your ass and you peed, it would be different. 1.00

02:19:40.000 It would be different. 1.00

02:19:41.000 You've got a rod up your ass. 1.00

02:19:42.000 How do we know the rod's not pressing on the fish? 1.00

02:19:44.000 The rod probably feels good to him.

02:19:45.000 Yeah.

02:19:46.000 It's probably a little stimulating inside.

02:19:47.000 It's like, oh, I was squirting.

02:19:50.000 Bro, it's peeing.

02:19:51.000 He peed. 1.00

02:19:52.000 You're a fucking weirdo. 1.00

02:19:53.000 You just peed. 1.00

02:19:53.000 But I've never heard of that. 1.00

02:19:54.000 You didn't even hold it in.

02:19:55.000 Yeah, hold it in, man. 1.00

02:19:56.000 Maybe you can't hold it in if you have that rod in your ass. 1.00

02:19:58.000 Maybe it makes it more difficult. 1.00

02:19:59.000 Yeah, yeah, I just did some kegels.

02:20:01.000 Right, like I would imagine.

02:20:02.000 I just squeezed.

02:20:04.000 It might affect performance. 0.99

02:20:10.000 Yeah, if I got a big rod on my ass, I'm probably pissing too. 0.99

02:20:13.000 I'll probably be like, my life's already over. 1.00

02:20:15.000 I'm just going to piss all over these sheets. 1.00

02:20:19.000 Everybody, fuck you. 1.00

02:20:20.000 Yeah, I mean, male squirting is definitely pissing. 1.00

02:20:24.000 There's some common ground. 0.96

02:20:25.000 And girl squirting is pissing too, yeah. 1.00

02:20:26.000 You're really fucking fine. 0.99

02:20:28.000 I admitted it, man. 0.99

02:20:29.000 Stop rubbing my nose in it.

02:20:31.000 I just want to, like, respect the Japan Institute of Urology.

02:20:35.000 You're right, you're right.

02:20:35.000 What's the name of the organization again?

02:20:37.000 I mean, there's the International Institute.

02:20:40.000 International.

02:20:40.000 They brought it worldwide.

02:20:42.000 A lot of scientists are like, how do I get in on some of these tests?

02:20:46.000 I also want to know.

02:20:47.000 I hate y'all running some tests.

02:20:49.000 It's in the International Journal of Urology.

02:20:51.000 International Journal of Urology.

02:20:53.000 And let's shout them out.

02:20:55.000 Miyabi Inouye, Yuki Segaguchi, Noriko Ninomiya, Tomoko Kobayashi, Muto Araki.

02:21:03.000 Dude, you're really good at pronouncing names.

02:21:05.000 You want a job?

02:21:06.000 Yeah.

02:21:06.000 You can work here.

02:21:07.000 You just pronounce names for me because I can't do it. 0.99

02:21:10.000 I'm fucking terrible at it. 0.95

02:21:11.000 Can you say what the university or what the organization was that put it together? 0.97

02:21:15.000 First publish?

02:21:16.000 What was the...

02:21:17.000 I mean, there was an institute that published it.

02:21:20.000 Yeah, click that.

02:21:21.000 Does it say down there?

02:21:22.000 It was something Japan Institute of Urology or something like that, wasn't it?

02:21:27.000 Go up to the very first.

02:21:28.000 Which is even wilder, right?

02:21:30.000 Hit the PDF. Because it's a urology. 0.63

02:21:32.000 No, that link.

02:21:34.000 The link up there?

02:21:35.000 No, that link up there.

02:21:37.000 Oh, we have to have access. 1.00

02:21:38.000 Oh, these sons of bitches. 1.00

02:21:40.000 Well, salute to the proud Japanese people. 1.00

02:21:43.000 Anyway, whoever did it, way to go. 0.98

02:21:45.000 Female ejaculation and squirting is similar but comparatively different phenomenon. 0.99

02:21:49.000 A narrative.

02:21:49.000 A narrative review of current research.

02:21:50.000 There's a lot of people in denial.

02:21:52.000 There's a lot of people who want to believe in leprechauns, like I'm telling you.

02:21:55.000 Yeah, but it's fun, you know?

02:21:58.000 Leprechauns are real.

02:21:58.000 Like, no, you ate mushrooms.

02:22:00.000 Yeah.

02:22:00.000 Yeah, but maybe that's how you meet leprechauns.

02:22:03.000 That's true.

02:22:04.000 It might be.

02:22:05.000 Now we need to do a little research.

02:22:08.000 I'm into that research.

02:22:09.000 I think that research is good for humanity.

02:22:12.000 That's some real research.

02:22:13.000 I mean, yeah, a tree on mushrooms told me to date a woman I would date for two years, and it was nice.

02:22:19.000 Wow, interesting.

02:22:20.000 In Seattle, I'm on mushrooms.

02:22:21.000 I'm like, what should I do with my life?

02:22:23.000 Boy, they should make those legal.

02:22:24.000 They should make those legal and come up with the right doses for people and develop centers where professionals can introduce people to them.

02:22:33.000 Because just what they've found with people recovering, like soldiers coming back from the war, it's one of the very best things to help them get over it.

02:22:41.000 Just that alone, you would think that that's a resource that's very valuable.

02:22:46.000 If you require of people to go to a foreign land and kill people they don't know, and then when they come back, you just don't address the fact that their mind is completely fucked, or you purposely ignore One ancient method that's not dangerous, 0.77

02:23:04.000 that's been shown to be effective. 0.98

02:23:06.000 And if you're worried about abuse, I get it.

02:23:09.000 I get the worry about abuse. 0.97

02:23:10.000 But we need to figure out places where you have treatment centers for people that do wind up abusing things, and that you also have Trained physicians that can determine the effective dose and give you a pure product where you don't have to worry about buying it off some fucking weirdo you met in a parking lot. 0.96

02:23:30.000 Some hippie versus some mushrooms. 0.95

02:23:32.000 Mushrooms and fentanyl.

02:23:34.000 I think there are some stuff like that.

02:23:38.000 Well, they just denied it in California.

02:23:40.000 Oh, what?

02:23:41.000 Yeah, which I would think of any place that would take it.

02:23:44.000 But Newsom, even though I don't agree with him on most things, I actually saw his point.

02:23:49.000 Because he was saying that they didn't submit a protocol for use and for a bunch of other things.

02:23:57.000 Like, if it's going to be used therapeutically, like, what are the guidelines?

02:24:00.000 Right, right.

02:24:01.000 How does it get administered?

02:24:02.000 They were just kind of decriminalizing it.

02:24:05.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77

02:24:05.000 Let's do it. 0.77

02:24:05.000 And he felt like it should be decriminalized with information. 0.77

02:24:08.000 Medically first. 0.98

02:24:09.000 The same way weed was at first.

02:24:10.000 Come up with a protocol.

02:24:11.000 Come up with, like, this is what we can fall back on.

02:24:13.000 This is what we know you should do.

02:24:14.000 Yeah.

02:24:15.000 Like Amsterdam, they're legal, but it's like truffles.

02:24:18.000 It's like the fresh ones.

02:24:20.000 You can only buy certain doses. 1.00

02:24:22.000 But those bad boys will fuck you up. 1.00

02:24:23.000 They'll all fuck you up. 1.00

02:24:25.000 When Duncan Trussell lived in Asheville, he lived in North Carolina. 1.00

02:24:28.000 Yeah.

02:24:28.000 And they started putting certain chemicals into the cow's feed to keep them from making mushrooms.

02:24:35.000 Because so many of them made mushrooms.

02:24:37.000 Because apparently the spores are everywhere up there.

02:24:40.000 Really?

02:24:40.000 Yeah.

02:24:41.000 It's a mushroom's town in Asheville. 1.00

02:24:43.000 But that's why the town's fucked now. 0.99

02:24:45.000 They took the mushrooms away? 1.00

02:24:46.000 Well, you're filled with crime now.

02:24:50.000 Asheville, Duncan was telling me, has a crazy high crime rate.

02:24:53.000 Really?

02:24:54.000 Yeah.

02:24:54.000 I haven't been there for 10 years, but it felt like a real hippie town.

02:24:58.000 What's the crime rate of Asheville, North Carolina? 0.99

02:25:01.000 A lot of fucking wind chimes are getting stolen. 0.99

02:25:04.000 All their money went away during the pandemic. 0.99

02:25:05.000 I would imagine that ramped up crime everywhere.

02:25:09.000 Everybody's forced to not work.

02:25:11.000 Also, it's a small town.

02:25:13.000 It's not like a big, robust town that's backed up by a big industry or anything like that.

02:25:18.000 Well, are those people like service workers? 0.69

02:25:20.000 Because I had friends in New York who were like, they were on unemployment and they were like, whoa, this is better than my shitty job. 0.65

02:25:27.000 That was a problem. 0.93

02:25:28.000 Yeah.

02:25:29.000 That was definitely a problem.

02:25:30.000 And that made me rethink universal basic income.

02:25:33.000 Like pro or negative?

02:25:35.000 Well, I used to be pro.

02:25:36.000 I used to be super pro universal basic income.

02:25:38.000 And my thought was, if you give people, no.

02:25:42.000 I thought it was, I mean, I can only speak from like, this isn't like, you know, a study.

02:25:46.000 But it helped the people I knew, where it was like, it didn't, like, they didn't get lazy. 0.96

02:25:50.000 They were just like, holy shit, I can pay my bills. 0.97

02:25:52.000 That's unemployment. 0.99

02:25:53.000 I'm talking about universal basic income.

02:25:54.000 So universal basic income would be that everybody gets a certain amount a month, like $1,200.

02:26:00.000 And the idea is you never have to worry about food, you never have to worry about shelter.

02:26:03.000 And now you can pursue whatever you want to do.

02:26:07.000 Right, right, right.

02:26:08.000 Part of me thinks there's going to be a bunch of people that never do anything.

02:26:11.000 They're just going to live off that $12.

02:26:13.000 Which is fine though, right?

02:26:15.000 Kind of.

02:26:16.000 But if that wasn't available to them, would they figure out a path in life?

02:26:22.000 And how many people get tripped up by winning a lottery ticket?

02:26:27.000 Don't all of them get tripped up by winning a lottery?

02:26:30.000 Doesn't everybody get tripped up?

02:26:31.000 It's pretty high, yeah, unless you do certain things. 0.98

02:26:34.000 There's a human psychology aspect to giving people free shit that I don't think is beneficial. 0.95

02:26:39.000 I just don't think it's beneficial. 0.98

02:26:41.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with having a social safety net.

02:26:43.000 I feel like welfare is important.

02:26:45.000 I feel like food stamps are important.

02:26:47.000 I feel like healthcare is important.

02:26:48.000 All those things are very important.

02:26:49.000 And education.

02:26:50.000 I fully support that.

02:26:52.000 I mean, if you're going to use taxes, I fully support using...

02:26:55.000 Let's do that instead of tanks. 0.99

02:26:56.000 Yeah.

02:26:56.000 Well, that's the best one.

02:26:58.000 But I kind of think that people need to do things.

02:27:02.000 And I kind of think giving people free money is a bad idea.

02:27:05.000 Yeah, I mean, I think given those two options, I much prefer a social safety net for that reason.

02:27:10.000 100%. 0.97

02:27:10.000 It's like even if your job is kind of bullshit, if your basic human needs are taken care of, you still go to work and make ends meet, but it's like if you get sick, you're not worried that you're going to fucking bankrupt, your life's over. 0.97

02:27:24.000 But the thing is, you're not contributing if you're not doing anything. 0.98

02:27:27.000 Right.

02:27:28.000 If you're just taking that 1,200 bucks and you're just living and you're not contributing at all, you're literally a sponge.

02:27:34.000 I think people would feel better if they had something that they did that gave them a sense of purpose, whatever it is.

02:27:42.000 And I think that trying to find that thing and be successful at that thing is a part of the process that everybody has to go through to find themselves.

02:27:51.000 And you deny someone that thing if you just give them free money. 0.94

02:27:57.000 Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be able to give money to unemployed single mothers, people who get fucked over by society, you know, you get fired, you have a monthly nut. 0.66

02:28:09.000 I think we should have a social safety. 0.70

02:28:11.000 I think it's important.

02:28:12.000 But I also think if you just gave people money... 0.99

02:28:16.000 A lot of people wouldn't do shit. 0.99

02:28:18.000 More people than would. 0.99

02:28:20.000 The rare person that even with that free money says, I'm going to take this fucking money and I'm going to spend half of it and I'm going to invest the other half and I'm going to get a job as well. 0.98

02:28:29.000 And I'm going to go out there and I'm going to fucking make something. 0.79

02:28:32.000 There's some of those people, but those are super rare. 0.97

02:28:35.000 No, you're right about that.

02:28:36.000 It's human nature, man.

02:28:37.000 And I think the thing...

02:28:38.000 Yeah, I think the...

02:28:38.000 I prefer what you're saying is like, yeah, let's get...

02:28:40.000 Let's cover our bases, which we don't do right now.

02:28:43.000 Right.

02:28:44.000 And I think the thing that...

02:28:45.000 I think just as likely for... 0.98

02:28:47.000 If you give somebody free money, they're not going to do shit. 0.99

02:28:50.000 We're fucking trapped in this opposite thing where it's like people have to fucking work hard as shit to barely make it. 0.99

02:28:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:28:56.000 Where it's like that zapping all that human potential too because those people are just surviving... 0.99

02:29:01.000 They don't have time to fucking... 1.00

02:29:03.000 Because they just have to make rent fucking... 1.00

02:29:06.000 Everything is more expensive. 1.00

02:29:07.000 You don't have any time to fucking... 1.00

02:29:09.000 And I do agree with you that kind of the middle ground is get their basic needs met and then let them be able to work but not have to fucking work, you know... 0.99

02:29:17.000 60 hours a week or whatever the fuck, or work 40 hours, but it's grueling for less pay. 0.98

02:29:22.000 Because you do need that time. 0.97

02:29:23.000 You need that space to...

02:29:24.000 I think you're absolutely correct.

02:29:25.000 If you want to get ahead and you want to figure your own path in life, you've got to have some time.

02:29:29.000 Yeah.

02:29:29.000 It's going to either cut into your sleep or it's going to cut into your social life.

02:29:33.000 But you're going to need some time.

02:29:35.000 Totally.

02:29:36.000 And that's the one benefit for a motivated person for universal basic income.

02:29:40.000 Right.

02:29:40.000 But my feeling was when I watched everybody during the pandemic when they were all getting...

02:29:47.000 How many people did want to go back to work?

02:29:49.000 They just wanted that free money.

02:29:50.000 I was like, ooh, this is wild.

02:29:52.000 I mean, but some of that also is that they were like... 0.99

02:29:55.000 Because my friends were like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:29:57.000 This is like the... 1.00

02:29:58.000 Like, I'm making less money working hard as fuck... 0.96

02:30:02.000 On what unemployment pays like this is what the government thinks you barely need to subsist and when I go back to work I make less than this and I work fucking hard as shit I mean it's also a problem of like I think people also saw in that moment how mistreated they were being and how underpaid they were being a lot of the time where it's like this low pay which it wasn't that much money right well they started ramping up pay a lot of places after the pandemic Yeah. 0.99

02:30:25.000 They ramped up pay everywhere.

02:30:27.000 Like, they advertise, like, high pay.

02:30:30.000 Like, places like McDonald's.

02:30:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:30:32.000 Like, what does McDonald's pay now?

02:30:33.000 I think it pays, like, $18 an hour or something like that.

02:30:36.000 Right.

02:30:36.000 What is, how much does McDonald's pay?

02:30:38.000 I think it depends.

02:30:39.000 I was walking through Buc-ee's yesterday. 0.90

02:30:42.000 Buc-ee's is famous for paying well. 1.00

02:30:43.000 Buc-ee's is a shit. 1.00

02:30:44.000 I was looking at, like, if you're a manager, you make a quarter million dollars a year. 1.00

02:30:48.000 Pretty sick. 0.99

02:30:49.000 I'm like, damn! 0.99

02:30:50.000 And probably the only place where that's kept pace with inflation. 0.98

02:30:52.000 It still says pretty low, depending on...

02:30:54.000 Well, yeah, see...

02:30:55.000 21 to 21. 21. 20. 7.25 is in, like, Dothan, Alabama.

02:30:59.000 Yeah.

02:31:00.000 But I wonder, I wonder, even this...

02:31:02.000 Oh, Austin, Texas?

02:31:04.000 Yeah.

02:31:04.000 7.25 to 20. Boy, that's a big jump.

02:31:07.000 That's probably, like...

02:31:07.000 That's three times as much.

02:31:09.000 Yeah.

02:31:10.000 That's a cashier. 0.66

02:31:11.000 Yeah.

02:31:12.000 That's what a cashier makes, not a manager. 0.99

02:31:14.000 That's good.

02:31:14.000 The manager gets double that, son.

02:31:16.000 Yeah.

02:31:17.000 But even the place where they're ramping up pay, I wonder what that even is in comparison to inflation from that same job in 1970. That's a good question.

02:31:27.000 You know what I mean?

02:31:28.000 1255. 1255. National average.

02:31:30.000 Did you see that video?

02:31:31.000 There was a video that was going around today of people in Chicago that are furious That the government is giving so much money to all these immigrants that have illegally migrated into Chicago. 0.63

02:31:44.000 No, I didn't see that.

02:31:45.000 They're giving them cell phone and twelve hundred bucks, whatever it is. 0.99

02:31:48.000 And these people are fucking freaking out. 0.97

02:31:49.000 And these people that were Democrats are like, hey, if Trump wants to talk to us, come talk to us. 1.00

02:31:54.000 We're tired of this shit. 1.00

02:31:55.000 And I'm like, wow, this is wild to see. 1.00

02:31:58.000 These people are waking up like, why are you giving people that aren't even from here All this money and a free phone and all this shit. 0.96

02:32:04.000 You're not giving anything to us? 1.00

02:32:06.000 I mean, yeah, that is fucked. 1.00

02:32:08.000 It's fucked. 1.00

02:32:09.000 I think those people deserve... 1.00

02:32:11.000 But we're seeing this like, why aren't regular people getting that same shit? 0.99

02:32:15.000 Why doesn't everybody just get that? 1.00

02:32:17.000 Why is that person getting special treatment where it's like, we're just fucked? 1.00

02:32:22.000 I mean, that's the safety net shit. 1.00

02:32:24.000 They shouldn't get it either. 0.99

02:32:25.000 What they're doing is they're trying to buy votes.

02:32:27.000 That's what I think they're doing.

02:32:28.000 I see, I see, I see.

02:32:28.000 They're trying to get rid of voter ID and they're trying to bring people in or allow people to get in and make it easy for them to travel all around the country.

02:32:37.000 And if someone let you in the country, wouldn't you vote for them?

02:32:40.000 But they can't vote, can they?

02:32:41.000 Well, what if they can?

02:32:43.000 But they're talking about not having voter ID. What do you think?

02:32:48.000 They were talking about it in New York.

02:32:49.000 They were going to try to make it so that if you weren't a citizen, you could still vote in New York.

02:32:53.000 Interesting.

02:32:54.000 That was something that was discussed, right?

02:32:55.000 I don't know.

02:32:56.000 Google that thing about New York.

02:32:58.000 I think it was discussed, but I don't know.

02:33:00.000 Attempts to have people that were immigrants capable of voting in New York, whatever you would search it under.

02:33:05.000 My dad straight can't vote, and he's been here 40 years or 50-something years.

02:33:10.000 If they start changing things...

02:33:12.000 Look, why else would you want that many people to cross over? 0.99

02:33:16.000 I would want those people to cross over if I was one of two things. 0.98

02:33:20.000 I wanted chaos, or B, I wanted voters.

02:33:25.000 That's what Wild Wild Country did.

02:33:28.000 They brought in the homeless people.

02:33:29.000 It's the same kind of deal.

02:33:32.000 Struck down.

02:33:33.000 State Supreme Court judge from Staten Island said...

02:33:37.000 Click on it so I can read it.

02:33:41.000 So, state Supreme Court judge from Staten Island said the measure which would have allowed more than 800,000 non-citizens to vote violated the state constitution.

02:33:50.000 So, they're trying to pass this measure.

02:33:53.000 Imagine, what would be the motivation?

02:33:56.000 What would be the motivation of allowing people that Or illegal aliens. 0.95

02:34:01.000 Well, they're permanent legal residents.

02:34:03.000 Permanent legal residents.

02:34:04.000 So they're basically guys like my dad who've been here and don't have a citizenship.

02:34:07.000 So these are just people that are not American citizens.

02:34:09.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:34:10.000 Like, yeah.

02:34:11.000 Somebody with their green...

02:34:12.000 I mean, some people never...

02:34:12.000 Like I said, I don't think my dad is ever going to become a citizen.

02:34:14.000 Also only applied to local...

02:34:16.000 So non-citizens. 0.99

02:34:19.000 What's the technical term for a non-citizen?

02:34:21.000 If you're not a citizen and you're here...

02:34:23.000 Illegal resident.

02:34:24.000 Illegal resident.

02:34:25.000 No, no, legal.

02:34:26.000 Legal.

02:34:26.000 So do you have a green card?

02:34:28.000 Yeah.

02:34:29.000 Green card.

02:34:29.000 Forever?

02:34:30.000 Or does it expire?

02:34:32.000 Age and residency requirements.

02:34:33.000 Age and residency requirements.

02:34:36.000 Yeah, so it's like, I mean, look, you could debate that, but it's not the same as illegal immigrants.

02:34:40.000 It's basically people that have been in that place and they don't want to become citizens that could be able to vote for municipal elections, not national elections.

02:34:47.000 But if you're a Democrat or if you're a Republican, let's see it on the other side.

02:34:51.000 Imagine you're a Republican and you do this.

02:34:53.000 And you say, we're going to let people who aren't even citizens vote. 0.63

02:34:56.000 Who do you think those people are going to vote for?

02:34:59.000 They're going to vote for the people that are allowing them to vote.

02:35:01.000 Yeah.

02:35:02.000 Especially if you're not politically savvy. 1.00

02:35:05.000 It is kind of like the old, it's like fucking Tammany Hall, like in Gangs of New York where it's like you vote like four times and then you just bring the fucking Irish people off the boats and like shave your mustache and go vote again, like that kind of shit. 0.99

02:35:16.000 Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of that. 0.99

02:35:18.000 Well, that's the old, yeah, that's how it always used to be.

02:35:20.000 That's how they always did it.

02:35:21.000 But the thing is, it's like, if you wanted the laws on voting to be more lax, and you wanted citizens that are here, but they're not legal, they're not...

02:35:33.000 Or legal.

02:35:34.000 Or not legal.

02:35:36.000 That's next. 0.98

02:35:37.000 I don't think you'd be able to get anybody to fucking go for that. 0.97

02:35:39.000 How are you trying to get people to vote for someone who's not a citizen voting? 0.98

02:35:42.000 That's always been the thing.

02:35:43.000 Like, you cannot vote if you're not a citizen.

02:35:45.000 I guess, just reading off that, right?

02:35:47.000 I don't know anything else.

02:35:48.000 That to me, I don't know that I would have to think about it, but it's like, what they're saying is, if you've been here a while, you're a legal resident, you're part of this community, you pay taxes, you do all that stuff, You can vote in local municipal elections. 0.99

02:36:00.000 You can't vote for fucking senator. 0.99

02:36:02.000 You can't vote for fucking president. 1.00

02:36:04.000 You can vote for alderman. 0.99

02:36:05.000 You can vote for fucking state house representative because they directly affect your thing, which is at least a reasonable argument as opposed to a non-citizen can have the full legal protection. 0.98

02:36:17.000 But I see what you're saying. 0.99

02:36:18.000 Here's a better argument.

02:36:19.000 Why don't you make them citizens? 0.80

02:36:21.000 Yeah.

02:36:21.000 Like, what are you doing?

02:36:21.000 The guy's been here for 30 years?

02:36:23.000 You think he's a spy?

02:36:24.000 Yeah.

02:36:25.000 I know.

02:36:26.000 Like, what do they have to do?

02:36:27.000 My dad...

02:36:27.000 Like, if someone's a productive member of society, they've been here for 20 years.

02:36:30.000 Yeah.

02:36:31.000 And they work, but they just keep going from green card to green card.

02:36:34.000 Sit the guy down.

02:36:35.000 Is he cool?

02:36:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:36:36.000 Like, fucking let him in. 0.99

02:36:38.000 Let him in! 1.00

02:36:39.000 That's true.

02:36:39.000 I mean, I can tell you my dad didn't do it because he, like...

02:36:43.000 He got a question wrong and he spelled George Washington wrong or some shit. 0.90

02:36:48.000 That's it? 0.96

02:36:49.000 This is his recollection.

02:36:52.000 But he was not doing great at the whatever point. 0.99

02:36:56.000 He got mad and he was like, whatever, fuck it, I don't want to be an American anyway. 0.99

02:36:59.000 And he just stormed out because he just didn't ace the test. 1.00

02:37:02.000 And he never went back. 0.99

02:37:03.000 He was like, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

02:37:04.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

02:37:05.000 So he's just been here forever.

02:37:07.000 But yeah, I get what you're saying.

02:37:08.000 If they have shown some kind of Yeah.

02:37:12.000 Well, it's kind of crazy that you could just be born here.

02:37:14.000 Like, if you're geographically on the right pile of dirt, you could be an American. 0.99

02:37:18.000 You fucking won the geopolitical lottery. 0.99

02:37:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:37:21.000 Woo! 1.00

02:37:21.000 It's fucking sick. 1.00

02:37:22.000 America! 1.00

02:37:23.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

02:37:24.000 And then it's like, if you don't do that, it's like, Greece is a perfect example where, like, Giannis Adetokounmpo, right? 1.00

02:37:30.000 My favorite basketball player. 0.90

02:37:31.000 He's fucking awesome. 0.98

02:37:32.000 His family, they were Nigerian immigrants, and he was born in Athens. 0.98

02:37:37.000 You know, his family clearly loves Greek culture. 1.00

02:37:40.000 They named their fucking kids Greek names. 1.00

02:37:41.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

02:37:42.000 Like, he grew up there.

02:37:43.000 He didn't have anywhere...

02:37:44.000 He wasn't Nigerian, right? 0.71

02:37:45.000 He couldn't claim that. 0.99

02:37:46.000 And they didn't give him citizenship until he was a fucking famous basketball player. 1.00

02:37:52.000 Like, it's like, fucked, dude. 1.00

02:37:54.000 Where it's like, you gotta prove it. 0.99

02:37:56.000 But otherwise, it's like, what do you do if you don't...

02:37:58.000 But also, you have to make it kind of difficult.

02:38:00.000 Otherwise, you get spies that just come over here from Russia and become citizens and run for president.

02:38:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:38:07.000 Like, that's a real thing, too.

02:38:08.000 Yeah, we're back there.

02:38:10.000 I mean, isn't that what the real fear about someone like Arnold running for office?

02:38:14.000 Yeah.

02:38:14.000 They would say, oh, he's not born here.

02:38:16.000 But how nutty is that?

02:38:17.000 You have to be born here? 1.00

02:38:18.000 The fucking guy's been here most of his life. 1.00

02:38:19.000 Yeah, no, that's true. 1.00

02:38:20.000 But even though he's a citizen, since his mother didn't have him come out of her body on this soil, it doesn't count.

02:38:28.000 Yeah.

02:38:29.000 It's nuts.

02:38:29.000 No, that is weird.

02:38:30.000 And I do think there was some talk of when he was...

02:38:33.000 People love that guy so much that there was some talk of trying to challenge it, but...

02:38:37.000 Yeah, but that...

02:38:38.000 Obviously.

02:38:39.000 But here's even crazier.

02:38:41.000 If you're born in Vancouver...

02:38:44.000 Yeah.

02:38:45.000 That does not, you're not allowed to come over here. 0.99

02:38:47.000 But if you're born in fucking Hawaii, that's five miles across, five hours across the ocean in a jet. 0.99

02:38:54.000 That's America. 0.99

02:38:55.000 Dude, some guy in the 30s, we really wanted pineapples.

02:38:58.000 So that's, you know what I mean?

02:38:59.000 Or Alaska.

02:39:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:39:01.000 How about Alaska?

02:39:01.000 Yeah.

02:39:02.000 That place is nuts. 1.00

02:39:03.000 Yeah, that's fucking crazy. 1.00

02:39:04.000 They bought that in the 1800s. 1.00

02:39:06.000 Rush is like, yeah, what the fuck are we doing with this? 0.98

02:39:08.000 What are we doing with this place? 0.99

02:39:09.000 Yeah.

02:39:10.000 Have it.

02:39:11.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

02:39:11.000 We're tired of this shit. 1.00

02:39:12.000 That's the greatest purchase ever. 1.00

02:39:14.000 Alaska?

02:39:15.000 What about the Louisiana purchase?

02:39:16.000 That's pretty good.

02:39:17.000 Well, yeah, and then purchasing New York.

02:39:19.000 They go to New York for like $9.

02:39:21.000 I don't know that you'd call that a purchase.

02:39:22.000 That was more like a, come on.

02:39:24.000 Tony Soprano type deal.

02:39:25.000 I think they were just like, can we have it?

02:39:27.000 And they're like, don't even understand what they're talking about.

02:39:29.000 And they're like, he said yes!

02:39:30.000 It's ours now!

02:39:32.000 And they're like, hey, can we get this back?

02:39:33.000 And they're like, uh...

02:39:37.000 Imagine someone saying, can we buy this from you?

02:39:40.000 And you're like, yeah, give me $50.

02:39:41.000 You're like, okay, yeah. 1.00

02:39:42.000 Fucking idiots. 1.00

02:39:45.000 Like, nah, dude, we got them. 1.00

02:39:46.000 They said it.

02:39:48.000 Exactly, exactly.

02:39:49.000 They probably had no concept of it.

02:39:50.000 If you think about it, if you live in teepees and you're nomadic and you travel, the idea of owning a spot?

02:39:55.000 Yeah, whatever, dude.

02:39:56.000 Like, what are you going to do here?

02:39:57.000 Yeah.

02:39:57.000 You're going to stay here?

02:39:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:39:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:40:00.000 What if the fucking deer leave? 1.00

02:40:02.000 Yeah, you fucking morons. 1.00

02:40:03.000 People are morons. 1.00

02:40:04.000 They're gonna starve here. 1.00

02:40:06.000 Exactly.

02:40:07.000 That's what they...

02:40:07.000 Yeah, claiming it was sold is always like, come on.

02:40:10.000 That's a very good point that I really never considered until just now.

02:40:15.000 Let's talk about squirting for another 45 minutes.

02:40:18.000 Native Americans squirted. 1.00

02:40:20.000 And what did they call it?

02:40:22.000 The eagle's breath.

02:40:24.000 Ah!

02:40:27.000 This one will be a warrior.

02:40:29.000 Anyone conceived of the eagle's breath shall grow to be chief. 1.00

02:40:34.000 You ever see the video of the girl getting her vagina tattooed and she squirts in the tattooer's face? 1.00

02:40:39.000 That's crazy. 0.99

02:40:40.000 I think it's fake though.

02:40:41.000 Probably.

02:40:41.000 Do you think it's fake, Jamie?

02:40:43.000 I think it's set up.

02:40:44.000 Yeah, probably.

02:40:45.000 Too perfect.

02:40:46.000 The angle looks too good.

02:40:47.000 It's like you're seeing her leg and he's in there and takes it in the face from the side.

02:40:51.000 Nah.

02:40:52.000 You know, it just seems...

02:40:53.000 Nah, we saw some real footage.

02:40:55.000 And for the folks that know, I'm sorry you weren't a part of this educational process. 0.89

02:40:58.000 Also, I would imagine if you're getting your vag tattooed, you would probably want curtains up. 0.86

02:41:03.000 Yeah. 0.87

02:41:03.000 You know, you wouldn't be like out there. 0.87

02:41:05.000 Yeah, that's fake as shit. 0.99

02:41:06.000 Yeah, let me see it. 0.99

02:41:07.000 So it's running up. 0.99

02:41:08.000 It looks like someone had a hose underneath her butt. 1.00

02:41:10.000 See, like, look. 1.00

02:41:11.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:41:11.000 She's getting her vag tattooed. 0.99

02:41:12.000 Oh, that's not a great spot. 0.97

02:41:13.000 But she's also... 0.99

02:41:14.000 There's no way.

02:41:15.000 One more time, please.

02:41:15.000 It'll reset, I'm sure.

02:41:17.000 But it's also... 0.82

02:41:19.000 Like, why is she getting her vag tattooed while these guys are just hanging out looking at their phone? 0.99

02:41:24.000 Oh, that's like the SNL sketch where they were all throwing up with the tube out of their fucking wrist. 1.00

02:41:30.000 So fake. 1.00

02:41:30.000 That's so fake. 1.00

02:41:31.000 I think it's coming from the side, too.

02:41:32.000 Yeah, it's too thick, too. 1.00

02:41:35.000 She has a dick. 1.00

02:41:36.000 If it comes out that hard, she's got a big fat hog. 1.00

02:41:40.000 Dude, that's, yeah, think about that. 1.00

02:41:41.000 We're talking about a fucking hog. 1.00

02:41:43.000 Yeah, look at that. 1.00

02:41:44.000 That's insane. 1.00

02:41:45.000 We're talking about a five-inch around dick. 1.00

02:41:46.000 And it looks like it's coming from below her. 1.00

02:41:48.000 Yeah.

02:41:49.000 Like it's coming from under her cheeks.

02:41:50.000 Very poorly done.

02:41:52.000 Well, they got me.

02:41:53.000 Yeah, just like the Manhattan purchase.

02:41:56.000 There's so much of that now.

02:41:57.000 You never know what's real and what's fake.

02:41:59.000 I know, dude.

02:42:00.000 Except grainy ring camera footage from third world countries of people getting shot.

02:42:04.000 That's right.

02:42:05.000 There's a lot of that, bro.

02:42:06.000 Or Russian dash cam.

02:42:08.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that. 1.00

02:42:08.000 Those motherfuckers are getting fucked up. 1.00

02:42:10.000 Instagram is wild these days. 1.00

02:42:11.000 Did you see that drive-by yesterday?

02:42:14.000 Where? 1.00

02:42:15.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:42:15.000 There's a video that goes around, I feel like, every day that everybody ends up seeing. 0.99

02:42:18.000 Yesterday was this crazy drive-by video.

02:42:20.000 Where?

02:42:21.000 I don't know where.

02:42:22.000 Can we see it?

02:42:24.000 Let's close with that, Jamie.

02:42:26.000 Let's close with a good old American drive-by.

02:42:27.000 And by the way, before we close, I brought you a calendar again.

02:42:30.000 Another calendar!

02:42:31.000 Thank you!

02:42:32.000 The Stavi Baby Erotic calendar.

02:42:34.000 Go watch the special.

02:42:38.000 Buy the calendar.

02:42:40.000 I'm naked in all of them. 0.99

02:42:41.000 May I see your titties? 1.00

02:42:42.000 A lot of good stuff. 0.99

02:42:47.000 Shot in Austin at a pool in Austin, though.

02:42:49.000 Nice.

02:42:49.000 For reference online.

02:42:50.000 Oh, I like the Terminator.

02:42:51.000 The Terminator, huh?

02:42:52.000 Pretty good. 0.99

02:42:53.000 Yeah, that's fucking badass. 0.99

02:42:58.000 The Olympics. 0.96

02:43:00.000 So this is it?

02:43:01.000 Yeah, this is the video.

02:43:02.000 I'm not going to show it online, but there's a still frame if you want to find it yourself.

02:43:05.000 Look on Twitter, type in Drive-By. 0.99

02:43:09.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:43:13.000 That's too loud to watch, but there's a whole breakdown here. 0.99

02:43:15.000 Watch this guy down here.

02:43:18.000 He's still fighting.

02:43:19.000 This guy's still fighting. 0.99

02:43:20.000 Oh no, dude, that sucks. 0.96

02:43:22.000 This guy's still fighting. 1.00

02:43:24.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:43:24.000 But they come back. 1.00

02:43:25.000 The video's not over.

02:43:26.000 Oh, no, dude.

02:43:28.000 Coming back.

02:43:29.000 They're still shooting.

02:43:30.000 They're still shooting.

02:43:31.000 This guy's still...

02:43:32.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

02:43:33.000 Goddamn. 0.99

02:43:34.000 This definitely doesn't like America. 1.00

02:43:36.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

02:43:37.000 The fuck? 1.00

02:43:38.000 But they're about to come back and finish. 1.00

02:43:39.000 No!

02:43:41.000 Oh, my God.

02:43:42.000 See, this guy almost tries to get up. 1.00

02:43:45.000 Oh, this fucking guy. 1.00

02:43:46.000 What are you doing, man? 1.00

02:43:47.000 He's just checking.

02:43:48.000 He knows this is over now.

02:43:49.000 This is bad.

02:43:51.000 There's a guy up here.

02:43:52.000 You can't see.

02:43:53.000 And he starts unloading on him over here.

02:43:55.000 Oh, no, dude.

02:43:55.000 Oh, my God, dude.

02:43:57.000 And they all come up and finish. 1.00

02:43:58.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00

02:43:59.000 He shot the hat off his fucking head! 1.00

02:44:02.000 Oh, my God, dude. 1.00

02:44:03.000 That sucks, dude. 0.99

02:44:05.000 It gets really more violent here. 1.00

02:44:06.000 More violent?

02:44:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:44:09.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:44:10.000 There's still 20 seconds left in this video. 1.00

02:44:12.000 Oh, this sucks. 0.95

02:44:13.000 Oh, my God, dude. 0.99

02:44:14.000 No, no! 1.00

02:44:17.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:44:18.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

02:44:19.000 And it becomes not a drive-by anymore, too. 0.98

02:44:21.000 Dude, no, don't shoot the fat guy in the house.

02:44:24.000 It looks like those are the only guys that get shot here. 0.96

02:44:27.000 Very targeted.

02:44:29.000 They made sure that everyone was dead. 1.00

02:44:32.000 Oh my god, what the fuck, dude? 1.00

02:44:36.000 This went crazy viral yesterday. 0.99

02:44:38.000 Where is this supposedly taking place?

02:44:39.000 I don't know.

02:44:43.000 I just saw like this is the craziest drive-by video and then I saw five more times over the day.

02:44:48.000 Good god almighty. 1.00

02:44:49.000 There's so much of that kind of stuff now available online because of fucking these cameras and shit and cell phones. 1.00

02:44:56.000 Like Instagram is flooded with Dude, that's fucking wild. 1.00

02:45:00.000 Me and Segura every day send each other shit. 1.00

02:45:02.000 Like the worst shit we could find. 1.00

02:45:04.000 I'm kind of upset that I didn't send him that. 0.99

02:45:06.000 I'll get it to him before the podcast. 0.98

02:45:09.000 My Instagram is purely like, you know, is like girls with huge tits stretching. 1.00

02:45:15.000 Good for you. 0.99

02:45:16.000 That's a healthy algorithm.

02:45:18.000 Some steaks. 1.00

02:45:19.000 I've actually been watching guys grill steaks and then girls with huge tits stretching. 1.00

02:45:23.000 Muscle mommies, of course. 1.00

02:45:24.000 Oh, I'd be remiss not to take... 0.99

02:45:27.000 I come on the show yearly to beg for muscle mommy pussy, so we did it last time if anybody's around. 1.00

02:45:33.000 I did fuck one strong girl this year. 1.00

02:45:35.000 Congratulations. 0.99

02:45:35.000 But I'd like to get those numbers up, Joe. 0.99

02:45:36.000 I hear you.

02:45:37.000 This is the place to call for it.

02:45:40.000 This is probably a lot of jack girls in the gym right now going, he's funny. 1.00

02:45:45.000 How about enough big dick in my life? 1.00

02:45:47.000 Yeah, no. 1.00

02:45:48.000 Come on.

02:45:48.000 And of course, watch the special, please.

02:45:50.000 Special.

02:45:50.000 It's out now.

02:45:51.000 Out now.

02:45:52.000 Fat Rascal.

02:45:53.000 I'm very proud of it.

02:45:55.000 I can't, yeah.

02:45:56.000 I'm pumped.

02:45:57.000 Please watch it, folks.

02:45:58.000 Thanks for having me, dude. 1.00

02:45:58.000 You're a funny motherfucker. 1.00

02:45:59.000 I appreciate you. 0.99

02:45:59.000 I appreciate it. 0.99

02:46:00.000 It's always fun hanging out with you.

02:46:01.000 This one was a banger.

02:46:02.000 Yes, sir.

02:46:03.000 All right.

02:46:03.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 05, 2023

Joe Rogan Experience #2072 - Stavros Halkias

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript