The Joe Rogan Experience - December 13, 2023

Joe Rogan Experience #2075 - Protect Our Parks 10 (Part 2)

Topics

Lizzo accusations Call of Duty women power and mind reading sharing porn in school Scientology in acting schools brain feeds myth pissology David Lee Roth mushrooms queers for Palestine memes

Hosted by

Joe Rogan

Guests

Protect Our Parks 10

Joe Rogan Experience #2074 - Shane Gillis Joe Rogan Experience #2076 - Tristan Harris & Aza Razkin

Episode Stats

Length

2 hours and 16 minutes

Words per minute

174.83

Word count

23,943

Sentence count

4,324

Harmful content

Misogyny

199

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,222

sentences flagged

Hate speech

148

sentences flagged

Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, the boys talk about the Lizzo case, the Khloe Kardashian case, and why they don t give a fuck about Beyonc s flute. They also talk about why the Smithsonian should be mad about the drone attack in Yemen. Joe also talks about why he doesn t care about Lady Gaga's new album and why he thinks she should be fired for being a diva. Joe and the boys also discuss why they think Lady Gaga is the greatest artist of all time and why it s a good thing she doesn t play the flute anymore. They also discuss the time Lady Gaga played a 200-year-old flute on stage at a concert and how she should have been fired for it. Also, they talk about what they would do if they were the president of the United States and how they would handle the situation if they had a flute in the Oval Office. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. All rights reserved. Please do not use this music in place of any other music used in this episode. Thank you for any amount you can manage to pay for this podcast. We are working on transcribing this podcast and making sure the audio quality is as good as possible. Please don t forget to rate, review and review it on Apple Podcasts, and share it with your friends and family! and tag us on Insta: . if you like what you're listening to this podcast, we'll be sure to send us your thoughts on the podcast and we'll get a shoutout in the next episode! and the next one will be getting a shout out :) of course, we're listening out on the next week's episode will be the best music you listen to it on the pod! of the podcast, too! Cheers! -Joe Rogan Podcast, by day, by night! -JOEJOE ROGAN PODCAST by night, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. -The Joe Rogans Podcast by Night Train by Night, by Night Crew by Night - by night Crews -Night Crew by Day, Night Crew, by Norm and Night Crew? -Day, Night, Day, and Night, All Day, By Night, By Day, by Day - by Night! by Night

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.

Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .

Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .

Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .

Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.

Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.

Show only flagged segments

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!

00:00:11.000 Fights are nuts because all cats will fight each other.

00:00:14.000 Like if they find each other out in the wild, they're never really cool with each other.

00:00:18.000 Oh, sometimes they are.

00:00:19.000 Sometimes if they're in the neighborhood.

00:00:21.000 They get buddies, yeah.

00:00:22.000 But don't they have to grow up together?

00:00:24.000 Yeah, it's like women. 1.00

00:00:26.000 They hate each other.

00:00:27.000 You ever notice how women don't have friends? 0.99

00:00:31.000 You know who hates women the most? 0.99

00:00:33.000 Women? 1.00

00:00:34.000 Girl power! 1.00

00:00:37.000 Who runs the world?

00:00:38.000 Girls.

00:00:39.000 Who runs the world with Jews? 1.00

00:00:41.000 I bought you that book, by the way.

00:00:43.000 What about all those bridges?

00:00:44.000 Who runs the world with Jews? 1.00

00:00:45.000 No, the Lizzo book that I was saying in the picture.

00:00:47.000 Oh, I thought you were joking.

00:00:48.000 Lizzo's got a book?

00:00:49.000 Is it a cookbook?

00:00:50.000 I'm gonna read it.

00:00:53.000 What was the book?

00:00:54.000 What did it say?

00:00:56.000 I... I don't know.

00:00:57.000 I don't want to hate part of this.

00:00:59.000 Chicken Soup for the Soul?

00:01:01.000 I was like, I gotta buy this.

00:01:02.000 Chicken Soup for the Soul.

00:01:03.000 You actually bought that?

00:01:04.000 Yes.

00:01:04.000 I gave you Bloodlands.

00:01:08.000 That sounds like a balance topper.

00:01:12.000 Bro, I can't even read that.

00:01:14.000 Oh, you mean the Lizzo way?

00:01:15.000 Yeah, that way.

00:01:16.000 100% that book you need.

00:01:18.000 That's it.

00:01:19.000 I got you that.

00:01:20.000 Oh, you got me that?

00:01:21.000 Yeah, I'll bring it in.

00:01:22.000 I thought when she got in trouble, it would just... 0.92

00:01:25.000 Blow a hole through everything.

00:01:26.000 Ah, come on.

00:01:28.000 I thought when she, they were coming after her for bottom shaming. 1.00

00:01:31.000 You think you're gonna get a...

00:01:32.000 For what?

00:01:33.000 For being a diva?

00:01:34.000 Like, what was the worst thing she did?

00:01:35.000 I thought it was like, it would put an end to like, do you see the worst thing she did?

00:01:39.000 What's the worst thing she did? 0.92

00:01:40.000 Can we just enjoy...

00:01:41.000 She didn't do anything.

00:01:42.000 Yeah!

00:01:43.000 She's innocent.

00:01:43.000 Also, for real.

00:01:44.000 I know it's like, Free Lizzo.

00:01:46.000 Free Lizzo.

00:01:47.000 Free Lizzo. 1.00

00:01:47.000 She didn't do shit. 1.00

00:01:48.000 She didn't do shit. 1.00

00:01:48.000 What'd she do? 1.00

00:01:48.000 She didn't do shit. 1.00

00:01:49.000 What was her accusations? 1.00

00:01:50.000 Like, she made a performer show a banana for pussy or something? 1.00

00:01:53.000 Yeah, like, come on. 1.00

00:01:54.000 Normal shit. 1.00

00:01:55.000 Fucking baller shit, dude. 1.00

00:01:56.000 Those are rules. 1.00

00:01:57.000 Those are rules.

00:01:58.000 I've seen her.

00:01:59.000 Puts on a good concert.

00:02:00.000 She's good.

00:02:00.000 I've seen her.

00:02:01.000 Although I will say I was actually pissed when they made her twerk with, I think it was James Madison's flute.

00:02:08.000 Why?

00:02:08.000 It pissed me off.

00:02:09.000 Why? 1.00

00:02:10.000 It was just such a bullshit. 1.00

00:02:12.000 I kind of like it. 1.00

00:02:13.000 I think it symbolizes the time we're living in.

00:02:15.000 I think it does too. 0.99

00:02:17.000 I think the time sucks. 0.94

00:02:20.000 Maybe, but maybe not. 0.96

00:02:22.000 It depends on your perspective.

00:02:23.000 I'm with you.

00:02:24.000 It's the most fun time to be alive.

00:02:27.000 Here's genuinely, it's like...

00:02:29.000 I get it. 1.00

00:02:30.000 I genuinely don't care about that guy's fucking flute. 1.00

00:02:33.000 Fuck him. 1.00

00:02:34.000 I don't like it. 1.00

00:02:35.000 But I know why they're celebrating it.

00:02:40.000 Right. 1.00

00:02:40.000 They're like, yeah, yeah, in your fucking face. 1.00

00:02:44.000 And it's like, come on, dude. 1.00

00:02:45.000 The guy founded America?

00:02:47.000 Yeah.

00:02:47.000 Yeah, what did you do wrong?

00:02:49.000 I know they don't give a fuck about history. 0.96

00:02:52.000 Right. 0.99

00:02:54.000 And by they, I mean white liberals.

00:02:57.000 She played a 200-year-old flute.

00:02:59.000 Jesus.

00:03:00.000 Man.

00:03:02.000 That was Zembic. 0.99

00:03:05.000 Yeah, I guess I don't give a fuck about it. 0.98

00:03:07.000 I have zero problem with that. 0.98

00:03:08.000 That could have been a replica.

00:03:10.000 She wasn't playing it, like, recklessly.

00:03:12.000 She's the only one who has track flow anymore.

00:03:14.000 Which is fine. 1.00

00:03:15.000 Imagine the street cred you would get if you spiked it and said, fuck white supremacy. 1.00

00:03:20.000 That would kill. 1.00

00:03:22.000 Oh my god.

00:03:24.000 That would be the most polarizing moment in human history.

00:03:26.000 That would be big.

00:03:28.000 I'd be like, wow. 1.00

00:03:29.000 I'd be like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:03:31.000 For the record, I take back my opinion from one minute ago. 1.00

00:03:33.000 I still think it sucks. 0.96

00:03:35.000 The thing that does suck about it, though, is them covering it. 0.99

00:03:39.000 That's the problem. 0.77

00:03:40.000 They're covering it because they want you to be mad.

00:03:48.000 The Smithsonian was like, you play the flute.

00:03:51.000 You're a major performer.

00:03:52.000 We want you to play the flute.

00:03:54.000 So she did it. 0.98

00:03:55.000 But all she did is wriggle her butt a little. 1.00

00:03:58.000 Is that the biggest problem we have? 1.00

00:04:00.000 There's fucking drone bombings in Yemen and invasion of Ukraine. 1.00

00:04:06.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:04:07.000 That's where it gets confusing. 1.00

00:04:09.000 She did what she does.

00:04:10.000 First of all, she did it in her underwear.

00:04:13.000 Yeah.

00:04:14.000 Costume.

00:04:14.000 I mean, look how she's dressed.

00:04:16.000 Go back to that, please.

00:04:17.000 Please?

00:04:18.000 Please.

00:04:18.000 I'm eating here.

00:04:19.000 Is the wiggling of the buttocks...

00:04:21.000 I take it back.

00:04:23.000 I mean, imagine if they approved that costume, so they approved this costume.

00:04:29.000 I take it all back.

00:04:30.000 She's gonna run for Senate. 1.00

00:04:32.000 Nah, I'm back.

00:04:33.000 I hate it.

00:04:35.000 We're all over the place with this.

00:04:36.000 Can I hear how good she played it?

00:04:39.000 She's a good flautist.

00:04:40.000 She is.

00:04:46.000 She does love flute.

00:04:47.000 Keep that in mind.

00:04:49.000 It would be funny if they were like, this is actually a Native American flute.

00:04:52.000 This is her instrument.

00:04:54.000 I take it all back.

00:04:55.000 Mark, now I take it back.

00:04:57.000 Now I'm back in.

00:04:58.000 I like what she did.

00:04:59.000 Who cares?

00:04:59.000 I think it actually rules.

00:05:00.000 Her one instrument is the flute.

00:05:02.000 And she's like, I'm playing a president's my instrument.

00:05:05.000 And she did it well. 0.99

00:05:06.000 And so she fucking moved her body a little bit. 1.00

00:05:09.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:05:10.000 That's fine. 1.00

00:05:10.000 I agree with that. 1.00

00:05:11.000 Joe.

00:05:11.000 What does it say?

00:05:12.000 Joe, please.

00:05:14.000 While racists play dog whistles? 0.97

00:05:16.000 What is the problem?

00:05:17.000 What?

00:05:17.000 The problem people are having with Lizzo has nothing to do with the flute or history.

00:05:22.000 Thank you, Rex.

00:05:22.000 It has everything to do with the fact that she's a black woman playing a flute that belonged to a slave owner.

00:05:27.000 Oh, shit, Rex. 1.00

00:05:28.000 Dude, what a good downer. 1.00

00:05:30.000 Can you write any positive stories?

00:05:32.000 Here's my take.

00:05:35.000 If you're a right-wing conservative person and you get mad at Lizzo playing the flute like that...

00:05:42.000 That's left-wing.

00:05:43.000 The left-wing people are mad at that?

00:05:44.000 No, no, no.

00:05:45.000 He's mad at that we're playing a blood slave owner.

00:05:48.000 No, the right-wing people are mad that she played that. 0.99

00:05:50.000 The right-wing people are mad.

00:05:52.000 He's saying it's dog whistles. 0.90

00:05:54.000 Listen, he's saying that the right-wing people are mad.

00:05:57.000 He's saying the right-wing people are mad because she's playing the flute of a slave owner?

00:06:00.000 Exactly.

00:06:01.000 That's what he said.

00:06:02.000 Wouldn't left-wing be mad?

00:06:03.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

00:06:04.000 She's playing the instrument of the enemy? 0.95

00:06:06.000 Yes, I hear what you're saying.

00:06:07.000 Why would it be the other way?

00:06:08.000 You could go that way, too.

00:06:09.000 Why would it be the other way?

00:06:10.000 Because the right-wing people are mad that she is being disrespectful. 1.00

00:06:15.000 The angel again!

00:06:16.000 The right-wing people are being mad.

00:06:17.000 No!

00:06:18.000 Ari! 1.00

00:06:18.000 Angel Salazar! 1.00

00:06:20.000 No! 0.90

00:06:20.000 The Jews killed Jesus and an angel. 0.90

00:06:24.000 The right-wing people are mad because Lizzo is supposedly being disrespectful to a historical flute.

00:06:32.000 But clearly she's not being disrespectful at all.

00:06:35.000 She's loving the flute.

00:06:36.000 She's playing the flute.

00:06:37.000 It's got to be left-wing people mad.

00:06:39.000 She's holding it very carefully.

00:06:40.000 Yes, I agree with that.

00:06:41.000 She's playing it well.

00:06:42.000 It's got to be left-wing people mad.

00:06:44.000 No, it's right-wing people.

00:06:46.000 But she's being Lizzo while she's doing it. 0.87

00:06:48.000 If you're going to hire Lizzo to do it, What do you want her to do?

00:06:50.000 She's going to do what Lizzo does.

00:06:52.000 It's like Rosanna at the National Anthem.

00:06:54.000 Exactly.

00:06:54.000 I'm going to make sure.

00:06:56.000 Exactly.

00:06:57.000 Perfect.

00:06:58.000 Lizzo.

00:06:59.000 Lizzo.

00:07:00.000 Lizzo.

00:07:01.000 Lizzo.

00:07:01.000 We are Team Lizzo.

00:07:02.000 We're Team Lizzo. 1.00

00:07:03.000 Play Lizzo's fucking first song. 1.00

00:07:05.000 That was good. 1.00

00:07:06.000 We're Team Lizzo.

00:07:06.000 I stand behind her.

00:07:07.000 I just took a DNA test.

00:07:08.000 You just can't see me.

00:07:10.000 Minnesota Viking.

00:07:11.000 Yes. 1.00

00:07:13.000 Shit, that's rules. 1.00

00:07:13.000 Yeah, this song fucking actually rules. 1.00

00:07:16.000 It rules. 1.00

00:07:16.000 Fat women are funny. 1.00

00:07:17.000 Don't get involved in the anger. 0.98

00:07:19.000 Just this song rules.

00:07:21.000 Yes, Joe.

00:07:22.000 This is a good tune.

00:07:24.000 How many views?

00:07:24.000 Oh my god, you missed...

00:07:25.000 You almost broke my TV, you fucking idiot. 1.00

00:07:29.000 How many views on this song? 1.00

00:07:30.000 There you go, perfect.

00:07:31.000 Five million.

00:07:32.000 That's...

00:07:36.000 You're surprised this lady made money to eat a banana? 1.00

00:07:39.000 This song slaps.

00:07:40.000 This is a good song.

00:07:43.000 Crazy that her backup dancers are mad at her. 0.83

00:07:46.000 She's fun. 0.93

00:07:47.000 She's having fun.

00:07:48.000 That's always how it works, little man.

00:07:51.000 That's always how it works.

00:07:52.000 Backup dancers always get upset.

00:07:54.000 But also, it's like, how do you run the thing?

00:07:56.000 If they're your backup dancers, how do you run the thing?

00:07:59.000 Do you run the thing like someone...

00:08:01.000 You know, who's a tyrant?

00:08:02.000 Do you run the thing like, are you a benevolent dictator?

00:08:05.000 How do you run that camp?

00:08:07.000 I know.

00:08:08.000 You gotta keep control of these ladies and look at them out of line. 1.00

00:08:11.000 Bad ladies. 1.00

00:08:12.000 Wasn't she saying they were losing weight?

00:08:14.000 Also, who's she bringing with? 0.99

00:08:15.000 But there was also that show that she had. 0.99

00:08:17.000 You're a fat dancer. 1.00

00:08:18.000 Be lucky to be alive. 1.00

00:08:18.000 Put those ladies on tour and their ankles couldn't sustain it. 1.00

00:08:21.000 Like, you're on tour now.

00:08:22.000 She had a show?

00:08:23.000 There they were on tour!

00:08:24.000 These ladies were dancing on tour. 1.00

00:08:26.000 Wasn't there like some kind of crazy thing?

00:08:27.000 My 600 pound life.

00:08:28.000 It was like a lot- No!

00:08:30.000 It was like these big girls that were dancing on tour.

00:08:33.000 There you go, they're big!

00:08:34.000 They were all blowing out MCLs and- Well that just looks like an airport. 0.99

00:08:38.000 Damn, look at that big dog back in the- An airport! 0.99

00:08:40.000 These are big girls? 1.00

00:08:41.000 This just looks like- Look at the fucking- Saturday night at the club. 1.00

00:08:44.000 So they'd get out there and just- Wow. 0.99

00:08:46.000 You guys see the guy on the left?

00:08:48.000 Whoa, what's going on there?

00:08:50.000 Is that a guy?

00:08:50.000 Is this the California Panthers?

00:08:52.000 It's a fucking H Foley, dude. 1.00

00:08:54.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:08:56.000 Sumo team.

00:08:57.000 It's an Ozemba kid. 0.77

00:08:58.000 Oh my god.

00:09:04.000 She's a fun lady. 1.00

00:09:05.000 Yeah, she's a fun lady. 1.00

00:09:06.000 We gotta get her on here. 1.00

00:09:08.000 I highly doubt she'd be interested in that.

00:09:11.000 I think she would.

00:09:12.000 I think she would. 0.99

00:09:12.000 I think she might stop herself, but she would be interested because she fucking rules. 0.99

00:09:16.000 Well, listen, man, if you watch all that, that's all fun to me. 0.99

00:09:20.000 I don't have any problem with the way she played that flute. 1.00

00:09:22.000 She was really good at it.

00:09:23.000 Good flute.

00:09:24.000 Who else is doing rock flute?

00:09:25.000 It went to the 70s, then nothing till today.

00:09:28.000 They also must have, like, Greenlit it.

00:09:32.000 It's not like it was her idea.

00:09:33.000 Of course they greenlit it. 0.99

00:09:35.000 They were saying it was fucking liberal-ass Smithsonian. 0.99

00:09:40.000 So they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute of a slave owner? 1.00

00:09:45.000 No, a president.

00:09:46.000 Yes, they did.

00:09:47.000 Yeah, they wanted to be like, we did it.

00:09:50.000 But kind of didn't they do it?

00:09:53.000 Isn't that okay to celebrate?

00:09:56.000 Isn't that a weird thing?

00:09:58.000 I know.

00:09:59.000 I agree.

00:10:00.000 It is a weird thing.

00:10:01.000 It's kind of pretty badass.

00:10:03.000 One of the most famous black artists is playing a flute of a guy who owns slaves. 0.76

00:10:10.000 That's the most American thing possible. 1.00

00:10:12.000 It's pretty fucking American. 0.99

00:10:13.000 Imagine being at the concert and this guy's playing a fucking president's flute and you hear the audience go, I don't know how I feel about this. 1.00

00:10:21.000 Instead of going, this rules. 0.98

00:10:22.000 Yeah, but then I saw it on Twitter, and I had a couple drinks, and I was looking at it, and I was going, I don't know how I feel about this. 0.94

00:10:27.000 I thought the show would have been like, I was at the show where she played the fucking president's flute. 0.88

00:10:33.000 That is cool. 0.99

00:10:34.000 They're not doing that in Germany.

00:10:36.000 They're not doing it in Germany.

00:10:37.000 They're not playing Bobby Weinstein. 1.00

00:10:40.000 It really all depends upon your fucking harmonica. 1.00

00:10:46.000 He's just doing the fucking Imperial March. 1.00

00:10:48.000 Although I will say, if some Jew ripped a fucking electric guitar that Hitler owned, it would be cool. 1.00

00:10:55.000 Like, if somebody let Paul McCartney play Napoleon's piano, that would be pretty fucking dope to watch. 0.99

00:11:05.000 Wait, did he attack us? 0.98

00:11:07.000 Napoleon?

00:11:07.000 I don't think he ever touched America.

00:11:09.000 The Beatles took over America.

00:11:11.000 They took America's youth. 0.98

00:11:13.000 That's right. 0.99

00:11:15.000 Well, they stole black rock and roll and then they came over here and corrupted our sluts. 1.00

00:11:20.000 Oh, the British? 0.99

00:11:23.000 The Beatles? 1.00

00:11:25.000 Bro, their fucking story from Hamburg is like one of the wildest stories ever. 1.00

00:11:29.000 What? 0.99

00:11:30.000 They went over to Hamburg, Germany, and they played like six days a week, eight hours a day.

00:11:35.000 Yeah.

00:11:36.000 Eight clubs.

00:11:37.000 In small clubs.

00:11:37.000 For like two years.

00:11:39.000 And they came back to Liverpool, and everybody's like, what the fuck happened? 0.98

00:11:44.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:11:44.000 Hey. 0.98

00:11:45.000 How are you guys so good?

00:11:46.000 They got good. 1.00

00:11:47.000 If you drink that, I'm gonna punch you in the stomach. 1.00

00:11:49.000 Water? 1.00

00:11:49.000 You don't like what you drink from water? 1.00

00:11:51.000 What are you doing, man?

00:11:52.000 What are you doing, man?

00:11:53.000 That's a studio!

00:11:55.000 That's stolen from a stream somewhere.

00:11:56.000 What are you, pouring that out for the Hamas people?

00:12:00.000 Don't do it.

00:12:00.000 What are you doing now?

00:12:01.000 Ari, don't piss in that. 1.00

00:12:02.000 Go to the bathroom. 0.98

00:12:03.000 I will.

00:12:03.000 Go to the bathroom.

00:12:06.000 Ari, come on! 1.00

00:12:08.000 Jesus Christ, dude.

00:12:10.000 What happened? 0.99

00:12:11.000 Ew, your piss is so yellow. 0.98

00:12:13.000 It's really leveled up. 0.99

00:12:14.000 This is so unnecessary.

00:12:16.000 You're so unhydrated.

00:12:17.000 I know that's not vitamins.

00:12:18.000 This is way worse than Lizzo.

00:12:20.000 Okay, squeeze it.

00:12:22.000 Now get out of here. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Put it down.

00:12:24.000 Ari, you gotta top it off? 0.84

00:12:27.000 He's top it off!

00:12:27.000 We're popping it off like we're at a gas station.

00:12:31.000 Jamie, I hope you're getting a zoom on this.

00:12:33.000 No, no, no.

00:12:34.000 Cut this out.

00:12:34.000 Why are you doing this?

00:12:36.000 Blur that out with Asian porn. 1.00

00:12:38.000 Zoom on this Semitic head. 1.00

00:12:40.000 Why are you doing this? 1.00

00:12:41.000 Because I had to fucking pee. 0.99

00:12:42.000 I didn't know how much I had. 0.99

00:12:44.000 Why don't you just go out? 1.00

00:12:45.000 No, don't piss in the fucking not buffalo face. 1.00

00:12:48.000 You're not going to make it. 1.00

00:12:50.000 It's also a small hole.

00:12:51.000 You're going to make a problem.

00:12:53.000 I've done this plenty of times.

00:12:54.000 Now I agree with Dr. Gay.

00:12:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:58.000 This is fucked up, dude. 1.00

00:13:00.000 This is horrible. 1.00

00:13:01.000 I have to pee, too. 0.68

00:13:01.000 You're ruining Harvard. 0.68

00:13:02.000 I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna go... 1.00

00:13:04.000 I beat you fatty on the piss. 1.00

00:13:10.000 Joe, he thought it was a competition. 0.99

00:13:12.000 Oh.

00:13:12.000 He's saying he's gonna beat you.

00:13:14.000 That's a lot of urine. 0.93

00:13:15.000 I got out urine.

00:13:16.000 There's more urine than I expected, I'll be honest.

00:13:18.000 What are you doing?

00:13:20.000 I can go longer without peeing.

00:13:21.000 You could, or we could both die trying.

00:13:24.000 Why don't you actually drink this time?

00:13:27.000 I've had six of these.

00:13:29.000 I've had three beers.

00:13:32.000 Well, now you gotta hold it.

00:13:33.000 The competition's all ruined, because Ari just pissed in front of us. 1.00

00:13:36.000 That's true.

00:13:37.000 Why'd you do that? 1.00

00:13:38.000 Because he's a psycho. 1.00

00:13:39.000 I've seen Ari piss more than I've seen any other man piss in the entire 56 years I've been alive. 1.00

00:13:46.000 You should've seen no one piss.

00:13:49.000 I've seen Ari piss on air. 1.00

00:13:52.000 It's like you had a pie chart of all times I've seen Ari piss. 1.00

00:13:56.000 It would be like Ari and a few fucking drunken shadows in the back alleyway of a bar where a bunch of guys are pissing together. 0.99

00:14:05.000 You're Ari Kelly. 0.99

00:14:06.000 It would mostly be Ari pissing. 1.00

00:14:11.000 It's just easier. 0.97

00:14:12.000 You can piss.

00:14:13.000 It's not easier.

00:14:14.000 Ari's like, what are you in the bathroom right here? 1.00

00:14:17.000 What are you in the bathroom right here? 0.64

00:14:18.000 Did I piss in my own house in a bottle? 0.62

00:14:20.000 The other day I had to pee and I was leaving.

00:14:21.000 I was like, it is kind of a good point.

00:14:22.000 I have to do all this all.

00:14:23.000 Yeah, I finally saw it.

00:14:25.000 You finally saw it.

00:14:26.000 You got a point.

00:14:27.000 I can't get what you're saying.

00:14:29.000 The piss tapes.

00:14:31.000 You know who has a good is, Stanhope has a urinal right outside of his bar in his house.

00:14:36.000 Really?

00:14:36.000 Oh, his house.

00:14:37.000 It's literally a urinal attack.

00:14:39.000 There's no piping.

00:14:40.000 It's just to the fence that goes outside.

00:14:42.000 That's hilarious.

00:14:43.000 Yeah, it's a good one.

00:14:45.000 I hope he's alright, though.

00:14:47.000 He's great.

00:14:48.000 I think he's doing good.

00:14:49.000 Is he cutting back a little?

00:14:51.000 I think he cut back.

00:14:53.000 That's not him.

00:14:54.000 That's not him.

00:14:55.000 Stay on it.

00:14:55.000 Your better days.

00:14:56.000 I think he chilled on smoking cigs, right?

00:14:59.000 Yes, he did.

00:14:59.000 And then somebody just told me he killed.

00:15:02.000 Yes, he opened up for Burt in Worcester.

00:15:05.000 He went out there as the mayor of Worcester.

00:15:07.000 That's his hometown, I believe.

00:15:08.000 Burt said he destroyed.

00:15:09.000 Yeah, so he's like Worcester stand-up.

00:15:11.000 He's like Worcester material.

00:15:13.000 Just material for Worcester.

00:15:16.000 I love him to death.

00:15:17.000 Oh, stand-up rules.

00:15:18.000 He pissed on me one time.

00:15:19.000 He's one of my favorite people that I've ever known. 1.00

00:15:21.000 He's fully pissed on my fucking... 1.00

00:15:22.000 Look at him. 1.00

00:15:23.000 He's the mayor of Wester.

00:15:24.000 Yeah, he looks good. 0.98

00:15:25.000 He's an animal.

00:15:27.000 He's great.

00:15:29.000 He's got some of the best stand-up, like, just over the years.

00:15:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:33.000 What is it?

00:15:34.000 The one...

00:15:35.000 No refunds.

00:15:36.000 He's got great points.

00:15:37.000 No refunds is like a...

00:15:38.000 I saw him at King King in Hollywood, and he goes, you know, I make fun of everybody.

00:15:41.000 People ask me, like, how come no one makes fun of Jews?

00:15:44.000 And I thought about it, and I was like, I mean, that's a decent point.

00:15:49.000 Here's 35 minutes on Jews. 0.72

00:15:51.000 Yeah.

00:15:52.000 That Jew Chunk is incredible. 1.00

00:15:54.000 It's a masterpiece.

00:15:56.000 The what? 0.66

00:15:56.000 The Jew Chunk, yes. 0.66

00:15:58.000 Yeah, oh my god. 0.98

00:15:59.000 He's just a real deal.

00:16:01.000 He's a great comic.

00:16:02.000 He's a great guy.

00:16:03.000 What you see is what you get. 0.99

00:16:04.000 There's no hidden bullshit. 0.99

00:16:05.000 He is who he is 24-7. 0.99

00:16:07.000 Fashion-wise, I love it. 0.99

00:16:08.000 He went silly. 0.99

00:16:10.000 And he went silly in our lifetime. 0.99

00:16:13.000 It happened someday. 0.94

00:16:15.000 One day he started wearing these suits.

00:16:16.000 And I'm like, what are you doing with the suits? 0.99

00:16:18.000 And he's like, I fucking went to the thrift store. 0.98

00:16:21.000 I got some suits. 0.99

00:16:23.000 I like it.

00:16:24.000 I like it too.

00:16:25.000 He's just saying, hey guys, I'm not going to take any of this seriously.

00:16:29.000 Yeah, I'm having fun.

00:16:30.000 I won't do it.

00:16:31.000 He's having fun.

00:16:32.000 He sold out when I started comedy.

00:16:35.000 The internet was still weird, but he was all over it.

00:16:39.000 And he couldn't get a thing on Netflix or whatever, and he just sold out all these theaters in New York, and we all went to every show.

00:16:45.000 And it was great, but I didn't know you could do that.

00:16:48.000 You needed gatekeepers back then.

00:16:50.000 You needed to get Comedy Central or Tonight Show.

00:16:53.000 Huh?

00:16:53.000 No.

00:16:54.000 Well, somewhere along the line, people realize that they can become the gatekeepers.

00:16:58.000 Yeah.

00:16:59.000 And that's what we're doing.

00:17:01.000 Exactly.

00:17:01.000 Well, he had an offer for San Jose Improv, like, we'll give you $20,500 for the week.

00:17:04.000 He goes, I can do that one night at a bar show.

00:17:07.000 Right.

00:17:07.000 And then he goes, oh, wait, I can do that one night at a bar show.

00:17:09.000 Yeah, and then he started doing that everywhere.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, I'll just do that.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, and he got a mailing list.

00:17:13.000 And he also just stayed himself.

00:17:15.000 Yeah.

00:17:16.000 Yeah.

00:17:16.000 No matter what happened, he just stayed himself.

00:17:18.000 He figured out a way to stay himself.

00:17:20.000 And not everybody does, man.

00:17:21.000 We were talking about this last night, like negative examples.

00:17:24.000 People just went off the rails.

00:17:25.000 Off the rails. 0.98

00:17:26.000 It's just like you gotta figure out a way to go through all whatever the fuck you're going through and say, okay, this is what's happening to me, but I'm still me. 0.99

00:17:34.000 You know? 0.97

00:17:34.000 And some guys can't do it, man. 0.97

00:17:38.000 Yeah, they try to be something.

00:17:39.000 You get a brand going.

00:17:40.000 You gotta keep it up, and you can't keep it up forever.

00:17:43.000 That's so exhausting.

00:17:44.000 Why are you in a brand?

00:17:45.000 I get it, but it's like...

00:17:45.000 You just piss in a bottle.

00:17:47.000 It's your brand, dumbass. 1.00

00:17:50.000 Why'd you go to the bathroom without pissing bottles? 1.00

00:17:53.000 It's your brand, dumbass! 1.00

00:17:55.000 I mean, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:17:56.000 That is your thing, but it's a smart brand.

00:17:59.000 Pull out the plastic one.

00:18:00.000 That's way more impressive.

00:18:01.000 If you drink it, you'll be the king of Skankfest.

00:18:04.000 Oh.

00:18:05.000 No, no.

00:18:06.000 No!

00:18:07.000 God, I was terrified.

00:18:09.000 I almost vomited.

00:18:09.000 Imagine if you drank it.

00:18:11.000 Jesus Christ.

00:18:12.000 It's been the ice. 0.99

00:18:13.000 It's still fucking hot. 0.99

00:18:14.000 This guy should drink it. 0.99

00:18:16.000 The guy who did the baby bird, he would have drank it.

00:18:18.000 He goes, I'll eat all this if I get an internship job for free!

00:18:22.000 I'm going to make money!

00:18:24.000 He was already an intern.

00:18:26.000 Oh really?

00:18:26.000 I thought he was going to hire an intern.

00:18:28.000 There was nothing to gain.

00:18:30.000 Nothing to gain.

00:18:32.000 And he got the props.

00:18:34.000 He's a legend.

00:18:35.000 Your brand is this.

00:18:36.000 You've got to be this because you're already 71. So you've got to be this guy all the way.

00:18:42.000 You want to go pee with me, Norman?

00:18:44.000 No, no, I'm here.

00:18:45.000 I'm good.

00:18:45.000 I'll go pee with you.

00:18:46.000 I'm very comfortable.

00:18:47.000 You win.

00:18:49.000 Clipping.

00:18:50.000 You know what's fun? 0.99

00:18:51.000 Fucking acid Joe Rogan. 0.99

00:18:53.000 He was so nice. 0.99

00:18:54.000 That was fun.

00:18:56.000 He literally, we were standing there with Jamie, and he was like, Jamie's the best.

00:19:00.000 You remember that, Jamie?

00:19:02.000 I didn't hear that.

00:19:03.000 Jamie, you went home and jacked off to that compliment. 0.90

00:19:05.000 Jamie, how hard did you jack off, dude? 0.75

00:19:07.000 On a scale of 7 to 10. Just last night or today?

00:19:10.000 Just last night about it.

00:19:12.000 Jamie, ooh, low-key funny.

00:19:15.000 Low-key.

00:19:16.000 Oh, my God.

00:19:18.000 Gate bump. 1.00

00:19:18.000 Jamie, you are such a bitch, dude. 1.00

00:19:20.000 Now that Joe's not here, I'm going to tell you the truth. 1.00

00:19:21.000 I hate you. 1.00

00:19:22.000 This ass is going to get deleted. 1.00

00:19:23.000 Now that Joe's not here, I'm going to tell you the truth. 1.00

00:19:25.000 I fucking hate you. 1.00

00:19:26.000 I heard you're a virgin. 1.00

00:19:27.000 Can't get it up. 1.00

00:19:28.000 Jamie, you got a little bitch, tiny penis, dude. 1.00

00:19:31.000 Did you see that fucking... 1.00

00:19:33.000 Keep it going, bully. 1.00

00:19:35.000 Shut up, dude. 1.00

00:19:36.000 You're fucking Dr. Gay, dude. 1.00

00:19:39.000 They keep bullying me. 0.99

00:19:41.000 I don't bully you, dude.

00:19:42.000 You and me are friends. 0.94

00:19:43.000 He's gonna shoot up a school.

00:19:43.000 He's like a real FSU fan over here.

00:19:45.000 Oh, F you! 1.00

00:19:47.000 No, they deserve to be in. 0.93

00:19:48.000 He's an Ohio State fan.

00:19:51.000 Yeah, we don't deserve to be in.

00:19:52.000 He tried to bully me.

00:19:53.000 He bullied me earlier in the football season because he knows I like Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

00:19:58.000 And then he tried to bully me and then his team got puffed out in front of everybody.

00:20:03.000 Everybody laughed at them.

00:20:04.000 The Seattle Storm?

00:20:06.000 Yeah.

00:20:08.000 This year I'm a Michigan football fan.

00:20:11.000 Really?

00:20:11.000 Yeah, this year.

00:20:12.000 That's funny, because they are literally the Jewish team.

00:20:14.000 Are they?

00:20:15.000 Yeah.

00:20:16.000 A lot of Jews go to Michigan.

00:20:17.000 Yeah.

00:20:17.000 Really?

00:20:18.000 Yeah.

00:20:19.000 It's the Jewish team.

00:20:19.000 A lot of Jews go there.

00:20:21.000 I'm also a Tottenham Hotspurs fan.

00:20:23.000 The ultimate.

00:20:24.000 Yeah.

00:20:24.000 Yeah.

00:20:25.000 I was in Edinburgh.

00:20:26.000 They're like, you've got to start watching Football League.

00:20:28.000 And they're like, what team?

00:20:29.000 Arsenal.

00:20:30.000 And somebody goes, no, Tottenham.

00:20:31.000 They're like, yeah, Tottenham is right.

00:20:33.000 Tottenham.

00:20:33.000 Yeah.

00:20:34.000 Especially with that beard.

00:20:36.000 Yet Army, what's up?

00:20:38.000 Callum a Jew. 0.97

00:20:39.000 What'd I miss?

00:20:40.000 Not much.

00:20:41.000 We're talking about how cool you are, Nassid. 1.00

00:20:44.000 Jamie's a bitch. 1.00

00:20:45.000 No, we were just supporting Jamo. 1.00

00:20:47.000 Shane's starting to get real nasty.

00:20:48.000 It's a good thing you can't.

00:20:49.000 Shane was getting nasty.

00:20:50.000 I was not getting nasty.

00:20:52.000 Shane claims nastiness in others a lot, but he's quite often nasty.

00:20:55.000 Do you think YouTube would allow us to show piss on your desk? 0.99

00:21:00.000 Yeah, just gotta cover the dickhead. 0.98

00:21:02.000 We'll make it as the seventh day of Hanukkah. 0.98

00:21:04.000 Oh, don't be sacrilegious.

00:21:07.000 Please don't be sacrilegious.

00:21:10.000 Menorah.

00:21:11.000 Labia Majora. 0.97

00:21:12.000 Oh, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I have to handle your piss bottle.

00:21:16.000 Thank God for plastics. 0.99

00:21:19.000 It's so warm, you're gonna die real soon.

00:21:23.000 Whatever's going on inside, you can't be fixed by science.

00:21:25.000 That could be chlamydia.

00:21:26.000 Bro, it's everything.

00:21:28.000 I peed in a cup once, they were like, you have it.

00:21:30.000 They just felt the cup. 1.00

00:21:32.000 Scarlet letter C's in a fucking window. 1.00

00:21:34.000 How'd they know? 1.00

00:21:34.000 They were like, this is too warm to be healthy. 1.00

00:21:38.000 Chlamydia.

00:21:39.000 That's legit boiling piss. 0.97

00:21:41.000 Boiling.

00:21:42.000 Remember when you first got committee and you're pissing in two directions, you're like, something's up.

00:21:46.000 I don't know what it is.

00:21:47.000 I never got it.

00:21:49.000 Honorable discharge.

00:21:50.000 You'll get it.

00:21:50.000 How weird is it?

00:21:52.000 It's going on.

00:21:53.000 Steaming right along.

00:21:55.000 How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex?

00:22:00.000 Yeah.

00:22:00.000 AIDS? That's God.

00:22:01.000 No, that's other ones.

00:22:03.000 No, AIDS. AIDS, chlamydia, herpes.

00:22:05.000 But no, that's needles, too.

00:22:08.000 I'll quote Sam Kennison.

00:22:10.000 Name one.

00:22:12.000 Well, you got chlamydia, gonorrhea.

00:22:15.000 They say it's an infectious disease.

00:22:16.000 Chlamydia, gonorrhea, HPV, herpes, AIDS. Are we just naming STDs?

00:22:21.000 Yep.

00:22:21.000 But the wild ones are the ones that kill you, like syphilis kills.

00:22:25.000 Syphilis.

00:22:26.000 Slowly. 1.00

00:22:26.000 It makes you have holes in your face and you see your fucking jawbone. 1.00

00:22:30.000 Is that right? 1.00

00:22:31.000 I bet it was worth it though.

00:22:36.000 Syphilis was the one they brought back from Native Americans. 1.00

00:22:40.000 That's the one that fucked up your- Really? 0.98

00:22:42.000 Yes. 0.63

00:22:42.000 They had it? 0.63

00:22:42.000 Yeah, what happened was they had a There was a form of it that existed in Europe from people fucking animals, but then they got another one when people went over to North America and they fucked Native Americans. 0.63

00:22:55.000 It was a combo. 0.93

00:22:56.000 And then they went back and brought it to Europe.

00:22:57.000 There seems to be some real evidence in the 1400s that started happening right after guys went back from North America. 0.99

00:23:05.000 Damn. 1.00

00:23:06.000 And people started getting like holes in their head and shit. 1.00

00:23:09.000 They have holes in their faces. 0.99

00:23:11.000 There's like these really ancient drawings of what people looked like when they were suffering from syphilis.

00:23:16.000 Ooh, it's scary, dude. 0.99

00:23:17.000 Imagine fucking a hot Choctaw back then, though. 1.00

00:23:21.000 That one must have been hot. 1.00

00:23:22.000 You speak the same language.

00:23:24.000 You're just banging some lady in a teepee. 1.00

00:23:26.000 That's wild. 1.00

00:23:27.000 And then you get some disease that makes holes in your fucking scalp. 1.00

00:23:31.000 Yikes! 1.00

00:23:32.000 Show images of people dying from syphilis, Jamie.

00:23:35.000 Like the holes in their head.

00:23:36.000 What did you do? 0.99

00:23:37.000 Take the piss jug?

00:23:38.000 I just ruled him. 0.99

00:23:41.000 I didn't know you could get a STD from a Native American. 1.00

00:23:45.000 And again, I'm not exactly sure about the simplest thing.

00:23:47.000 I've been told two different things.

00:23:49.000 I've been told that it existed already, but then I've been told that it's also different strains, that the one that existed in Europe was very different than the one that existed in North America. 1.00

00:23:58.000 Imagine, instead of going to the fucking doctor at the Bob Hope Clinic, you'd have to take a rod down your fucking cock hole. 1.00

00:24:03.000 And they didn't have antibiotics back then. 1.00

00:24:06.000 And guys are still going for it!

00:24:07.000 Guys are still like, I'd rather not use a comic.

00:24:09.000 Look at the holes on people's faces.

00:24:11.000 What?

00:24:12.000 Imagine going to church with that in your face.

00:24:14.000 Nah, it's from a toilet seat.

00:24:16.000 This is also how Al Capone died.

00:24:19.000 Al Capone died of syphilis.

00:24:20.000 Rotted his brain.

00:24:23.000 Jamie, show photographs of people dying from syphilis. 1.00

00:24:27.000 It's fucking terrifying, man. 0.99

00:24:29.000 Really? 1.00

00:24:29.000 It makes you rot holes in your fucking head. 1.00

00:24:32.000 And now we got penicillin. 1.00

00:24:34.000 Look at that guy's head. 1.00

00:24:36.000 Look at the top of his fucking head, man. 1.00

00:24:39.000 That's what Crocodile does. 1.00

00:24:41.000 Yeah, real similar.

00:24:43.000 Crocodile.

00:24:43.000 What's that?

00:24:44.000 Russian drug.

00:24:45.000 It eats away at your skin. 1.00

00:24:46.000 Look at that guy's fucking... 1.00

00:24:56.000 That's a terrifying disease. 1.00

00:24:59.000 How did the kid get it?

00:25:01.000 There's a bunch of diseases that before things like penicillin, they just killed everyone.

00:25:08.000 They just killed you. 0.99

00:25:10.000 Before they came up with antibiotics, people were fucked. 1.00

00:25:12.000 Do you know that if the Spanish flu happened today, that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics? 1.00

00:25:19.000 Really?

00:25:20.000 Yeah, I was listening to this podcast.

00:25:22.000 They were discussing what was the cause of the death of the Spanish flu.

00:25:25.000 And it was a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune system from the flu.

00:25:32.000 You're getting devastated by the flu, and then you get emphysema or tuberculosis or something like that.

00:25:39.000 But they were saying that whatever these diseases were, in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they'd give you antibiotics, and you'd probably survive.

00:25:48.000 Do you think I'd be with COVID a hundred years from now?

00:25:50.000 Like, just give them, like, muscle, total, that doesn't mean...

00:25:52.000 Well, the Spanish flu would just kill everybody. 0.65

00:25:55.000 The COVID thing, there was a lot going on.

00:25:58.000 Yeah, but I'm saying, wouldn't they have some new medical thing?

00:26:01.000 They're like, oh, you just give them a shot of this.

00:26:02.000 Oh, 100%.

00:26:03.000 They definitely would.

00:26:04.000 But it also would be like, why was everybody so sick?

00:26:07.000 Why was everybody so vulnerable?

00:26:10.000 Yikes.

00:26:11.000 We're lucky to be alive now and in this country.

00:26:14.000 Dude, we're also, we, like, what the COVID thing should wake people the fuck up to is that this whole thing is super fragile.

00:26:21.000 And you think it's not because it's not right now. 0.97

00:26:24.000 Because right now Ari can cough and I can fucking unzip my, or pull my fucking cord and adjust my seat and everything's fine. 0.96

00:26:31.000 But if right while all this is going on, we got hit by an asteroid, like, right now. 0.98

00:26:36.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:26:37.000 All your safety.

00:26:38.000 I just did ten push-ups.

00:26:39.000 I ain't gonna help you now.

00:26:40.000 We could just be chilling, and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance, like, boom.

00:26:47.000 And that's a five-mile-wide chunk of iron hitting China. 0.99

00:26:54.000 And then the whole world is fucked. 1.00

00:26:56.000 The whole world is fucked for a million years. 1.00

00:26:59.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:00.000 And we probably don't survive.

00:27:01.000 And what probably survives is crows.

00:27:04.000 Crows probably evolve and crows grow thumbs and their wings start having hands on them and they start making buildings.

00:27:12.000 Yeah.

00:27:13.000 Just like humans came out of shrews.

00:27:16.000 I was just in Yucatan, and they said the whole Gulf of Mexico was just the comet. 1.00

00:27:19.000 You didn't know that, you stupid idiot? 1.00

00:27:20.000 And then all the cenotes... 1.00

00:27:22.000 You didn't know that you stupid idiot? 1.00

00:27:24.000 You didn't know that already? 1.00

00:27:25.000 I didn't know that at all. 1.00

00:27:26.000 You fucking dumbass. 1.00

00:27:28.000 Fucking shit, James. 1.00

00:27:30.000 Yeah, that was just a theory until, like, I think the 80s. 1.00

00:27:32.000 I think if you look at a fucking map... 0.98

00:27:35.000 It's obvious? 1.00

00:27:36.000 Kinda. 0.95

00:27:37.000 Yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit. 0.93

00:27:40.000 They had to figure out iridium. 0.87

00:27:42.000 Iridium's the big one.

00:27:43.000 Ew.

00:27:44.000 We haven't had a...

00:27:45.000 Stop doing that, dude.

00:27:46.000 Everybody's gonna use that.

00:27:47.000 Or a comet.

00:27:48.000 We haven't had a mile, but it's inevitable. 0.99

00:27:50.000 It's not like boys dick, you little rabbit. 0.99

00:27:51.000 No, it's 100% inevitable. 1.00

00:27:54.000 Just come.

00:27:55.000 Just get us already.

00:27:56.000 Well, the thing is, it's like every June and every September, we go...

00:28:00.000 What is it?

00:28:01.000 The Leonid Comet Showers?

00:28:04.000 We go through these things.

00:28:06.000 Every June or every November, I think it is.

00:28:09.000 How was that?

00:28:10.000 It hurts.

00:28:11.000 America is the best country on Earth.

00:28:12.000 It hurts the throat.

00:28:13.000 Yeah, it hurts the throat.

00:28:14.000 It's so cold. 1.00

00:28:17.000 Can you imagine how gay you'd feel if you were from another fucking country? 1.00

00:28:20.000 Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail. 1.00

00:28:25.000 Straight jail.

00:28:26.000 Straight up jail.

00:28:27.000 You imagine how pissed the Taliban would be if we were in Afghanistan and having fun like this?

00:28:30.000 America!

00:28:31.000 The rest and the right would hate us.

00:28:34.000 They hate our freedoms.

00:28:35.000 Yeah.

00:28:36.000 If we were in Afghanistan doing this, first of all, you cussed. 0.98

00:28:40.000 They must watch our porn and be like, this is pretty good. 0.98

00:28:42.000 You promoted a woman. 1.00

00:28:44.000 Shit goes sideways. 1.00

00:28:45.000 What if Saudi Arabia steps in and buys to protect our parks? 1.00

00:28:50.000 People that put on the Francis Ngato, Tyson Fury fight, they step in and go, listen guys, America has fallen.

00:28:58.000 You can either accept that and move to a place where we have zero crime.

00:29:04.000 Let's go to Dubai.

00:29:05.000 Give me those glasses back.

00:29:06.000 You accept that move to a place where we have zero crime.

00:29:09.000 Did you switch already? 0.93

00:29:11.000 Are you guys switching glasses like little gaylords? 1.00

00:29:12.000 Have I been wearing them the whole time? 0.95

00:29:14.000 Yeah.

00:29:14.000 You didn't switch.

00:29:15.000 Am I retarded? 0.96

00:29:16.000 Yes.

00:29:16.000 What do you mean?

00:29:17.000 What happened? 0.96

00:29:17.000 I think I'm just retarded. 0.96

00:29:19.000 I got these from your house. 0.93

00:29:21.000 Yeah.

00:29:24.000 Guys, Saudi Arabia.

00:29:26.000 I bid I perform for the troops.

00:29:27.000 Best golf in the world.

00:29:33.000 Saudi Arabia is the best.

00:29:34.000 Number one.

00:29:35.000 UAE, I'm with you.

00:29:36.000 Saudi Arabia is number one.

00:29:38.000 That place is a bummer.

00:29:39.000 Joe Biden agrees.

00:29:40.000 I went there and it's just sand and murals.

00:29:43.000 Whoa. 0.99

00:29:43.000 Murals of weird guys in turbans and shit. 0.99

00:29:47.000 It was a real bummer. 1.00

00:29:49.000 It was sad.

00:29:50.000 Jesus Christ, you just ruined our deal with Netflix.

00:29:53.000 We're trying to go to Saudi Arabia.

00:29:55.000 I was performing for the troops.

00:29:57.000 That's even worse, dude.

00:29:59.000 We've got to start supporting...

00:30:00.000 It was the Taliban. 0.88

00:30:02.000 Yeah, there we go.

00:30:03.000 We've got to start supporting those guys, because we're going to have to make the jump, dude.

00:30:07.000 America's dead.

00:30:08.000 The move is we need to get in the oil business.

00:30:10.000 Gotta get in oil.

00:30:11.000 We gotta start drilling.

00:30:12.000 That's where it's all at.

00:30:13.000 Protect our parks oil.

00:30:15.000 Imagine we have Protect Our Parks gas stations.

00:30:17.000 How many bros would only get their gas at Protect Our Parks gas stations?

00:30:21.000 Can you imagine?

00:30:24.000 That's when they would all arrest us. 1.00

00:30:26.000 If we branched off into gas stations, they'd be like, hey, fuckers. 1.00

00:30:30.000 We get one stripper, we keep them. 1.00

00:30:32.000 There's a stripper inside the gas station. 1.00

00:30:35.000 She's dancing on the pole.

00:30:38.000 I would go.

00:30:40.000 It would just be Mark doing puns.

00:30:42.000 That's what it would be.

00:30:43.000 Every guy named Philip filling up would go fill her up.

00:30:44.000 Metal hologram Mark going, gas!

00:30:47.000 Fart.

00:30:48.000 Gas station.

00:30:50.000 Gas station. 0.99

00:30:51.000 What's that, Lizzo's butt? 0.99

00:30:54.000 That's not bad. 0.98

00:30:56.000 Gotta use that for real.

00:30:58.000 Gas station.

00:30:59.000 That's what killed Ari's family.

00:31:05.000 Is this the only time in your life where you can't really predict what the world's gonna be like in two years?

00:31:14.000 You can't anymore.

00:31:15.000 It's so fast now.

00:31:16.000 It's so fast now.

00:31:17.000 90s fashion's back.

00:31:19.000 Soon, like, seven years ago fashion will be back.

00:31:21.000 You're excited about the fashion? 0.99

00:31:23.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:31:24.000 Everything goes faster and faster. 1.00

00:31:25.000 70s was in five years ago.

00:31:27.000 Then 80s, then 90s.

00:31:28.000 But it makes you wonder, are kids younger than us, really young, going to go the other way?

00:31:34.000 Yeah.

00:31:35.000 And go, hey, we should, uh...

00:31:36.000 Oh, they're off Instagram.

00:31:38.000 Are they? 0.99

00:31:39.000 Yeah, they're like, this sucks. 0.99

00:31:40.000 Everybody's angry at each other. 0.99

00:31:41.000 I think they like it.

00:31:42.000 Let's not work. 1.00

00:31:43.000 Let's go out and fucking hike. 0.99

00:31:44.000 Are you one of those guys that has, like, idealistic views of the younger generation? 0.99

00:31:48.000 Yeah. 0.86

00:31:49.000 Because that's, like, the gayest version of dudes possible. 1.00

00:31:52.000 Gen Alpha. 0.95

00:31:52.000 Like, this next generation's gonna save us. 0.95

00:31:55.000 The next generation always blows. 1.00

00:31:58.000 Millennials sucked. 1.00

00:31:59.000 Well, there's gotta be one good one. 1.00

00:32:00.000 The next one that was like, hey, our fucking older sisters sucked. 1.00

00:32:03.000 Let's do something different. 1.00

00:32:05.000 We're due for a good one.

00:32:05.000 We're due for a fun group.

00:32:07.000 We're in due for a fun group.

00:32:08.000 Drinking during 9-11.

00:32:09.000 Forget about this idea of generations, but just a collective group of human beings is only pushed to action when they have to be.

00:32:17.000 And if everything collapses, and if the corruption and the chaos is so bad that you don't feel safe ever, then we'll do something.

00:32:27.000 But every step before that, you get more and more cowards that figure out a way to just... 0.99

00:32:36.000 Yeah, hard guys make soft dicks. 1.00

00:32:40.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

00:32:42.000 Hard guys make soft dicks. 1.00

00:32:44.000 Soft dicks make hard guys. 1.00

00:32:50.000 Ah, that's it! 1.00

00:32:52.000 You know, this is like a fucking cycle of nature. 0.99

00:32:55.000 They talked about this in the ancient Hindu texts and the Vedas. 0.99

00:33:00.000 This is the Kali Yuga.

00:33:02.000 This is the Kali Yuga.

00:33:04.000 This is the Kali Yuga.

00:33:05.000 This is the age of confusion.

00:33:07.000 It's like they figured it out a long time ago.

00:33:09.000 These are like these times where people are working towards something and then they achieve it and they get too successful and things get weird and strife. 0.99

00:33:18.000 And then they start creating their own bullshit and not appreciating anything, and not practicing gratitude, and it all fucking comes tumbling down with greed and deception. 0.98

00:33:29.000 Yeah, they're like, we've accepted this already, now what's wrong? 1.00

00:33:31.000 Instead of going, hey, it's pretty great, huh?

00:33:33.000 At least we get to talk about it.

00:33:35.000 We get to talk about the hard times.

00:33:36.000 Because in Gaza Strip, they're not bringing up gender.

00:33:39.000 Yeah, they're not at all.

00:33:40.000 Very good point.

00:33:41.000 Very good point.

00:33:43.000 But they're also... 0.99

00:33:44.000 They're also not very divided on whether or not kill all the Jews is okay to say. 1.00

00:33:53.000 I'll be honest, if I was a guy in Gaza and they blew up a fucking block of a city, I'd go, it's time to kill all the Jews. 1.00

00:34:01.000 Sure. 1.00

00:34:02.000 I mean, I'm close anyway, and nothing's happened to me.

00:34:05.000 I know.

00:34:06.000 I do that in Brooklyn.

00:34:07.000 You already hate me.

00:34:08.000 Isn't it crazy?

00:34:08.000 He's like, I met one and he ain't great.

00:34:10.000 I'm just joking.

00:34:11.000 For the record, I'm just joking around.

00:34:13.000 We're comedians.

00:34:14.000 You are the creator and founder of Shroomfest.

00:34:16.000 Yeah.

00:34:16.000 Oh, true.

00:34:17.000 And isn't it kind of amazing that there really is a solution?

00:34:23.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 Just take some mushrooms.

00:34:26.000 To world conflict.

00:34:26.000 To realize the solution to world conflict.

00:34:28.000 If we really made every world leader, if they all got together, and, you know, we obviously wouldn't have the security do it.

00:34:36.000 Everybody come together.

00:34:37.000 It can't be the whole world.

00:34:38.000 They have to be protected.

00:34:39.000 Otherwise, it'd be bad actors who'd take advantage of the fact that we were trapped somewhere, something.

00:34:44.000 You guys love camp.

00:34:45.000 Make them all do it.

00:34:47.000 Do mushrooms.

00:34:48.000 Have a good time.

00:34:49.000 Everything's safe.

00:34:50.000 Mushwits.

00:34:51.000 And then have someone talk to you about things.

00:34:53.000 Yeah.

00:34:53.000 We're going to have some speakers, do mushrooms the whole weekend.

00:34:57.000 And have some really calm people talk to you about alternative ideas.

00:35:00.000 Yeah.

00:35:01.000 I think it's July 21st weekend this year.

00:35:04.000 There you go.

00:35:05.000 I think.

00:35:06.000 When did you start it, Ari?

00:35:07.000 Ten years ago, maybe.

00:35:08.000 Jamie?

00:35:10.000 Jamie, play cool music.

00:35:12.000 You should keep that folder always open when this party's gone.

00:35:16.000 Actually, play Christmas music. 1.00

00:35:18.000 Oh, America, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:35:19.000 I know, America, fuck yeah, but also this is the holiday edition. 1.00

00:35:22.000 It is a Christmas episode. 0.99

00:35:23.000 So maybe we should start bonging beers for America, also Christmas.

00:35:27.000 What song?

00:35:27.000 We got a poinsettia here.

00:35:28.000 It's jolly, jolly Christmas.

00:35:31.000 Whoever's bonging gets to pick the wonderful Christmas song. 0.71

00:35:34.000 Doesn't Mariah Carey have a Christmas song? 0.95

00:35:37.000 You're gonna have to pay for that one.

00:35:39.000 Let's go.

00:35:40.000 You think so?

00:35:40.000 She'll be mad?

00:35:41.000 Yeah.

00:35:42.000 That's yours?

00:35:43.000 Okay, who else?

00:35:45.000 No, that's it.

00:35:46.000 Oh, okay.

00:35:47.000 I was singing.

00:35:48.000 Will we get in trouble for that one, Jamie?

00:35:49.000 I like the waitresses also. 1.00

00:35:52.000 Will they come for us?

00:35:52.000 I'm skipping.

00:35:53.000 Yeah, this is good.

00:35:57.000 It's an ad.

00:35:58.000 This is an ad.

00:35:59.000 It sounded nice.

00:36:00.000 You guys can't get the ad free.

00:36:02.000 We were talking about this last night.

00:36:05.000 When I was a kid, I'd get mad at people.

00:36:07.000 Come on, man.

00:36:08.000 Bonging the beard of this is very fun.

00:36:10.000 This is kind of nice.

00:36:11.000 This is fun. 1.00

00:36:13.000 She was a hot whore. 1.00

00:36:13.000 Wait for the drop, then bong it. 1.00

00:36:17.000 Oh, look at the midget. 1.00

00:36:18.000 They had a hot midget in there? 1.00

00:36:22.000 Look at her.

00:36:23.000 I didn't remember a hot midget. 1.00

00:36:25.000 I don't remember a hot midget. 1.00

00:36:26.000 Oh, there's another hot midget. 1.00

00:36:27.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:36:31.000 Nick Cannon fucked her. 1.00

00:36:33.000 Does she, uh... 1.00

00:36:33.000 What? 1.00

00:36:34.000 Nick Cannon used to fuck her. 1.00

00:36:35.000 Mike Cannon. 1.00

00:36:36.000 Nick Cannon. 1.00

00:36:36.000 Mike Cannon used to fuck Katy Perry. 1.00

00:36:39.000 Joe, drop's coming. 1.00

00:36:41.000 Wait.

00:36:41.000 This is when it kicks in.

00:36:43.000 Wait.

00:36:44.000 Yes, dude.

00:36:45.000 This is the most played Christmas song of all time.

00:36:48.000 Shotgun!

00:36:49.000 Shotgun!

00:36:54.000 Happy holidays, everybody!

00:36:56.000 That's fun!

00:36:57.000 That's fun!

00:36:58.000 Let's keep doing it.

00:36:58.000 Let's keep doing it.

00:36:59.000 Listen to this song.

00:37:00.000 This song is fun.

00:37:00.000 It's killer.

00:37:01.000 Play it all in the background.

00:37:02.000 Play it all the way out the back. 0.99

00:37:05.000 Goddamn, she was hot. 1.00

00:37:05.000 What a body she had. 1.00

00:37:06.000 I think she's interracial. 0.99

00:37:09.000 Yeah, you think?

00:37:09.000 She's human, bro.

00:37:11.000 That's a hot human. 1.00

00:37:13.000 Stop messing with details.

00:37:17.000 Ooh, I think P. Diddy was up in that for a hot minute. 0.99

00:37:21.000 P. Diddy fucked Mariah Carey? 0.99

00:37:22.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:37:23.000 I'll tell you what, it turns out P. Diddy fucked a lot of boys. 1.00

00:37:26.000 That's what I heard. 0.99

00:37:29.000 Allegedly.

00:37:29.000 That's the rumor.

00:37:30.000 Allegedly is the word. 1.00

00:37:31.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:37:34.000 Bro, no one's funnier about P. Diddy than 50 Cent. 1.00

00:37:38.000 Oh, my God.

00:37:38.000 50 Cent is a savage.

00:37:43.000 Really?

00:37:43.000 He goes after everybody.

00:37:45.000 He's rich, and he doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:37:49.000 Nat Kinkle. 1.00

00:37:52.000 Uh-oh.

00:37:53.000 Yeah, 50 Cent doesn't care.

00:37:54.000 He's out.

00:37:55.000 Pull up the 50 Cent.

00:37:55.000 What did he do?

00:37:57.000 Yeah, why are you distracting us from 57?

00:37:59.000 I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

00:38:00.000 50 rules.

00:38:01.000 I just wanted to chug.

00:38:02.000 50's hilarious.

00:38:04.000 He's hilarious.

00:38:05.000 Why don't you subscribe to the premium?

00:38:07.000 I do have it.

00:38:07.000 I've never gotten this.

00:38:08.000 Come on! 0.99

00:38:09.000 This is like when you fucking roll with Pandora and the ad comes on. 0.99

00:38:12.000 Pandora! 0.99

00:38:13.000 I've done that.

00:38:14.000 Me, undies.

00:38:17.000 Oh my god.

00:38:19.000 Let's hit WYX at their point.

00:38:23.000 Oh, look at that guy.

00:38:24.000 Wait for the drop.

00:38:25.000 Guys, this is your Christmas. 0.96

00:38:27.000 And this is back when black folk weren't allowed to do stuff. 0.99

00:38:33.000 This is a duet with John Legend.

00:38:35.000 Aw, that's a new version!

00:38:36.000 This is not what I want, dude.

00:38:37.000 Give me the original!

00:38:39.000 Maybe it's good.

00:38:40.000 I mean, I'm sure it's awesome.

00:38:42.000 Are you allowed to play any Spotify song here?

00:38:45.000 You better be.

00:38:46.000 We don't even know.

00:38:47.000 You should have a Spotify account.

00:38:49.000 Let me be honest with you.

00:38:51.000 While I'm drunk, the only way to do this properly is to not pay attention.

00:38:55.000 That's smart.

00:38:56.000 James Brown.

00:38:57.000 I pay attention to almost nothing.

00:38:59.000 You gotta head to Spotify.

00:39:00.000 They fired Meghan Markle, Bruce Springsteen, Obama, and Kardashian.

00:39:05.000 Obama.

00:39:06.000 Yeah, but they also hired them.

00:39:08.000 Yeah, true.

00:39:09.000 Yeah, well, they took a shot.

00:39:10.000 They thought it was a moneymaker.

00:39:12.000 They need someone...

00:39:13.000 Can we just enjoy the holiday season?

00:39:16.000 ...to tell them...

00:39:17.000 We are!

00:39:18.000 We got a poinsettia here.

00:39:20.000 Can we enjoy it?

00:39:21.000 The thing about podcasts...

00:39:23.000 This is important.

00:39:27.000 It's not as easy as it seems.

00:39:30.000 It's like stand-up.

00:39:31.000 And in stand-up, people are talking.

00:39:36.000 And you're like, I can talk.

00:39:38.000 I see Ari on stage. 1.00

00:39:39.000 He's talking.

00:39:39.000 Everyone's laughing.

00:39:40.000 I can talk, too.

00:39:41.000 I think I can do...

00:39:43.000 No, it's not a stretch.

00:39:44.000 Just like being a doctor.

00:39:44.000 You're wrong.

00:39:45.000 I've been already getting laughs.

00:39:46.000 Genuinely, I watch it.

00:39:50.000 I watch Ori on stage and I go, I can do that. 1.00

00:39:52.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

00:39:54.000 I've never seen somebody on stage more that I've been like, wait, him? 1.00

00:39:57.000 I can grow a beard.

00:39:58.000 I'll do that.

00:40:02.000 Oh my god, I inhaled cigar. 0.99

00:40:04.000 Oh shit. 0.99

00:40:06.000 Do not inhale. 1.00

00:40:07.000 I laughed too hard.

00:40:08.000 Dr. Gay over there.

00:40:10.000 Dr. Gay, she's so gay too. 1.00

00:40:13.000 I laughed too hard. 1.00

00:40:14.000 She was so fucking gay. 1.00

00:40:16.000 I can't believe I took in cigar smoke. 1.00

00:40:19.000 Come on, you've taken in worse.

00:40:22.000 Is that a punchline?

00:40:24.000 I dropped my left hand.

00:40:27.000 What were we just talking about?

00:40:29.000 The best song is Sandler.

00:40:31.000 Adam Sandler's Hanukkah or The Waitress's Christmas, rather.

00:40:33.000 Nah, you gotta go Sandler.

00:40:34.000 Oh, Sandler for Hanukkah.

00:40:36.000 That's a classic. 1.00

00:40:38.000 Sandler's the fucking man. 1.00

00:40:39.000 I love Sandler. 1.00

00:40:41.000 We never discuss it.

00:40:42.000 I think Sandler might be the goat. 0.98

00:40:44.000 He might be the goat. 0.99

00:40:45.000 He might be the goat.

00:40:47.000 I just ran into him when I went to New York for the UFC. I landed at the airport right when he was about to leave.

00:40:53.000 And I ran into him. 1.00

00:40:54.000 That guy's the fucking man. 1.00

00:40:56.000 He might be the coolest. 1.00

00:40:58.000 He's so genuinely nice.

00:41:01.000 Sandler is so genuinely nice.

00:41:03.000 He used to come to Swartzen parties and just hang out, just be chill. 0.98

00:41:06.000 I've known that guy for, fuck, I don't even know now. 0.98

00:41:09.000 More than 20 years. 1.00

00:41:11.000 He never got serious.

00:41:11.000 He's always been so genuinely nice.

00:41:15.000 Great guy.

00:41:16.000 My daughter loves him.

00:41:17.000 During the pandemic, we watched a bunch of his movies. 1.00

00:41:21.000 Crazy fucking penguin. 1.00

00:41:22.000 Everybody hits penguins. 1.00

00:41:23.000 Shut up, Ari. 1.00

00:41:24.000 He's telling a story. 1.00

00:41:25.000 During the pandemic, when everybody got locked in their houses for fucking two months, remember those days? 0.98

00:41:31.000 Pandemic. 0.87

00:41:31.000 We watched nothing but Adam Sandler movies because it was something that I would enjoy and they would enjoy. 0.87

00:41:37.000 We'd all enjoy it together.

00:41:38.000 So we watched everything.

00:41:40.000 We watched Waterboy.

00:41:41.000 We watched everything.

00:41:43.000 Waterboy might be number one.

00:41:44.000 Billy Madison. 1.00

00:41:44.000 Billy Madison is the shit, dude. 1.00

00:41:46.000 Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. 1.00

00:41:48.000 Everybody's number one, too. 1.00

00:41:48.000 Happy Gilmore is the shit. 1.00

00:41:50.000 True Gilmore. 1.00

00:41:50.000 True connoisseur? 1.00

00:41:52.000 Yeah.

00:41:53.000 Waterboy.

00:41:54.000 You can't beat it!

00:41:55.000 Waterboy.

00:41:56.000 But they're all at the same level.

00:41:58.000 Vicky Valencourt.

00:41:59.000 You know who's not a fan is the Harvard president.

00:42:02.000 Hamas. 0.73

00:42:03.000 Hamas hates Waterboy.

00:42:04.000 Can you imagine? 0.94

00:42:05.000 Death to Adam Sandler.

00:42:09.000 I don't want to get involved.

00:42:11.000 That's what controls the Waterboy.

00:42:12.000 But here's the crazy thing.

00:42:13.000 If you look at the reviews, like professional critics.

00:42:16.000 Not good.

00:42:17.000 If professional critics review Adam Sandler movies, they're horrible about it.

00:42:21.000 You're so wrong. 1.00

00:42:22.000 It's stupid. 1.00

00:42:22.000 It's stupid and silly. 1.00

00:42:24.000 If you don't like the Zohan, if you can't watch that movie and laugh your fucking ass off, then... 1.00

00:42:31.000 Which is about the conflict, by the way. 0.99

00:42:32.000 We're not looking at the same thing. 0.98

00:42:34.000 You can't pretend this is fucking apocalypse now. 0.96

00:42:38.000 You're either on the side of funny or against funny. 0.99

00:42:41.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:42:42.000 If you don't like Hubie Halloween, you are the dumbest motherfucker of all time. 1.00

00:42:49.000 Hubie Halloween is so fucking good. 1.00

00:42:53.000 It's amazing! 0.97

00:42:55.000 He's fun!

00:43:00.000 Hey, Jews! 0.96

00:43:02.000 That's good for the Jews. 1.00

00:43:04.000 That's all you, Ari.

00:43:05.000 It's been a while since you guys called it W. Well, they're doing alright in business.

00:43:13.000 But everything else is not great.

00:43:15.000 Athletics.

00:43:16.000 That was a good win.

00:43:18.000 My management team.

00:43:20.000 Yeah, same.

00:43:22.000 If you're doing well.

00:43:24.000 Get a good Jew. 1.00

00:43:28.000 Susan Sarandon got a nice taste of a little dreidel up her ass. 1.00

00:43:32.000 What happened? 1.00

00:43:33.000 She got fired. 0.97

00:43:34.000 For what?

00:43:34.000 She got let go for making some Hamas stuff.

00:43:38.000 Let go from what?

00:43:39.000 Being old?

00:43:39.000 Oh god.

00:43:41.000 You know, everybody wants to be a fucking political activist. 1.00

00:43:45.000 Just stay out of it. 1.00

00:43:46.000 Just be like Sandler. 0.99

00:43:47.000 Just stay the fuck out of it. 0.99

00:43:48.000 He stays out. 0.99

00:43:49.000 Stays out.

00:43:50.000 He just keeps making fun stuff.

00:43:52.000 Making fun stuff always.

00:43:53.000 You're either on the side of funny, you don't care, or you're against the funny.

00:43:56.000 And they don't care either.

00:43:58.000 They have to care.

00:44:00.000 Susan Sarandon apologized for a terrible mistake of making anti-Jewish comments at pro-Palestinian rally.

00:44:06.000 She's just like Will Smith. 0.99

00:44:07.000 She's just an actress who got caught up in shit and was like, oh, people aren't. 0.99

00:44:10.000 They get caught up in attention, man. 1.00

00:44:12.000 If I was up there and they handed me a mic and there were Palestinian flags, I would say the wildest shit. 1.00

00:44:18.000 I would be like, yo. 1.00

00:44:20.000 Yo.

00:44:21.000 Here are the rules.

00:44:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:44:24.000 Kidback and killing Jews. 1.00

00:44:25.000 There's nothing. 1.00

00:44:26.000 Yeah, I would get caught up to it.

00:44:27.000 I don't even eat pork.

00:44:29.000 I am delivered.

00:44:32.000 I don't eat pork no more. 1.00

00:44:36.000 Dogs suck! 1.00

00:44:37.000 I'm not gay no more. 1.00

00:44:40.000 I am delivered. 0.95

00:44:42.000 I am delivered.

00:44:43.000 I don't date women. 1.00

00:44:49.000 I only date women. 1.00

00:44:53.000 I don't want to wear a purse.

00:44:56.000 He's just clearly, specifically naming what he wants to do.

00:45:00.000 Wait, what is this?

00:45:00.000 We need a bomb factory at every hospital!

00:45:03.000 I would not put on makeup!

00:45:05.000 I would not put on makeup!

00:45:07.000 He wants to put on makeup so bad.

00:45:09.000 Love a woman.

00:45:11.000 No one's talking about this.

00:45:13.000 Now watch the dancing.

00:45:14.000 Listen, y'all praise God with him.

00:45:17.000 Hold on, wait a minute.

00:45:18.000 Somebody believe God with him. 0.91

00:45:22.000 I'm not gay no more. 1.00

00:45:26.000 Let's kill Tony. 1.00

00:45:34.000 This is Tony in Redman every day. 1.00

00:45:38.000 I'm not gay, not am I. Man, Jordan Peele is cooking.

00:45:46.000 It really does look exactly like Kevin Jones.

00:45:51.000 I'll get one to this.

00:45:54.000 Do you get it at the beginning?

00:45:55.000 I'd like to get one to this.

00:45:56.000 Keep going.

00:45:57.000 What's the song?

00:46:00.000 This is my song.

00:46:01.000 Here we go.

00:46:03.000 I'm not gay no more. 0.97

00:46:05.000 I am delivered. 0.94

00:46:06.000 He's delivered.

00:46:08.000 Make that a gift. 0.99

00:46:10.000 Damn, that was quick, Combs! 0.99

00:46:15.000 I really need sunglasses. 0.99

00:46:22.000 You gotta do it. 0.94

00:46:26.000 I'm not gay no more. 0.75

00:46:28.000 He just lists everything he wants to do. 0.63

00:46:31.000 Sunglasses.

00:46:32.000 Wow.

00:46:33.000 Oh yeah, look at that.

00:46:35.000 He's gotta be a comedian now.

00:46:37.000 How's he doing?

00:46:38.000 Is he still going?

00:46:41.000 We gotta get him on the pod.

00:46:42.000 Why wouldn't you be?

00:46:44.000 It doesn't go away.

00:46:46.000 Right. 0.98

00:46:46.000 You don't just cure gay. 0.98

00:46:48.000 You think what Angel Salazar did with Scarface, that dude should be able to do with that YouTube video.

00:46:54.000 Exactly.

00:46:55.000 Ride it till the sunset.

00:46:56.000 Probably the same amount of numbers.

00:46:59.000 I mean, that's as funny as it gets.

00:47:01.000 I would literally pay to see that guy.

00:47:03.000 After being delivered from homosexuality, Andrew Caldwell says he now has a girlfriend. 0.77

00:47:09.000 Do you see this lady like confused? 1.00

00:47:11.000 Look at his outfit! 1.00

00:47:12.000 Look at his fucking outfit! 1.00

00:47:14.000 His girlfriend's Big Mike. 1.00

00:47:17.000 Why'd you go black? 1.00

00:47:17.000 We all look very heterosexual. 1.00

00:47:20.000 Us?

00:47:21.000 Yeah, the way we're dressed.

00:47:22.000 We're all hammered.

00:47:24.000 We're all hammered.

00:47:25.000 Mari's dabbled.

00:47:26.000 Mari.

00:47:27.000 Right? 1.00

00:47:28.000 I went to a fucking EDM show. 1.00

00:47:30.000 That doesn't count how high. 1.00

00:47:32.000 That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. 1.00

00:47:33.000 What did you show me, Jamie? 0.97

00:47:34.000 What was up about?

00:47:35.000 Nothing.

00:47:36.000 Hold on. 0.93

00:47:37.000 Who's the gayest one in Protect Our Parks? 1.00

00:47:40.000 Who's the gayest? 1.00

00:47:41.000 I think you would do some gay shit. 1.00

00:47:45.000 You've made out with Big J. Where's the whiskey? 1.00

00:47:47.000 No, I haven't.

00:47:48.000 Oh, that was Louis.

00:47:49.000 That was Louis.

00:47:49.000 Louis really made out with him, but yet no one worries about either one of them being gay.

00:47:55.000 Yeah, that's why it's funny.

00:47:56.000 They're not gay.

00:47:57.000 They're doing this gay thing. 0.99

00:47:58.000 Well, that's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community. 0.99

00:48:01.000 Nobody gives a fuck if you're gay if you're funny. 1.00

00:48:03.000 Nobody gives a fuck if you're trans, if you're a girl, if you're a boy. 1.00

00:48:07.000 No one cares about anything. 1.00

00:48:08.000 The gayest dudes are so funny. 0.99

00:48:11.000 Gay guys are funny. 0.98

00:48:11.000 People are just fussed. 0.98

00:48:12.000 It's like, let me do something super gay that is hilarious. 0.98

00:48:15.000 Yeah, but that's straight dudes. 0.97

00:48:16.000 I'm talking like literally gay dudes.

00:48:19.000 Like Mateo Lane is funny. 0.99

00:48:21.000 Mateo is so fucking good. 0.98

00:48:23.000 He's funny. 0.96

00:48:23.000 He's a funny guy. 0.96

00:48:24.000 Mateo is the band leader for gay funny. 1.00

00:48:28.000 He fucking rules. 1.00

00:48:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:48:30.000 He had a joke, he had a joke, I don't know if he put it out, whatever.

00:48:33.000 If he didn't delete it, ruin it.

00:48:36.000 He had a joke about, he plays Call of Duty, him and his gay friends play Call of Duty, and they're like, in there, like, looking at, like, like, ooh, look at the wallpaper! 0.92

00:48:47.000 Call of Duty.

00:48:50.000 I could not stop playing Call of Duty. 0.93

00:48:54.000 He's killer. 0.99

00:48:56.000 Fortnite is a gay version. 1.00

00:48:57.000 Fortnite is so gay. 1.00

00:48:58.000 It's the only game where you're shooting and decorating at the same time. 0.94

00:49:02.000 You're literally mid-battle.

00:49:03.000 You're like, ceasefire!

00:49:04.000 We need a bay window.

00:49:05.000 I'm like, what?

00:49:08.000 Call them, dude.

00:49:09.000 They want it to be so real.

00:49:10.000 To the point where you go in the battlefield, your commander yells at you. 0.55

00:49:13.000 He's like, all right, everyone, your mission, murder everyone!

00:49:16.000 And I'm so naive.

00:49:18.000 I'm just like, I played Nathan Lane in the birdcage.

00:49:20.000 I'm like, ah!

00:49:21.000 Like, I'm so...

00:49:24.000 And this is a feature...

00:49:25.000 I don't even understand how this is legal.

00:49:27.000 Everyone's wearing headsets, right?

00:49:28.000 So you can only hear your own teammates.

00:49:30.000 But in Call of Duty, when you kill someone else on another team, you can hear three seconds of their audio.

00:49:36.000 So all you hear on the battlefield when you kill someone is like...

00:49:43.000 And I'm so naive, I'm like, how do they know?

00:49:47.000 He should be able to say it.

00:49:48.000 He's so good.

00:49:50.000 Ken, why don't they beep that out?

00:49:52.000 It's his channel.

00:49:55.000 There's a couple of... 1.00

00:49:56.000 What a stupid world we're living in. 1.00

00:49:57.000 I can't wait for mind reading. 1.00

00:49:59.000 Bring it on.

00:50:00.000 Bring it on.

00:50:01.000 Expose everyone.

00:50:02.000 Mind reading.

00:50:03.000 Let's go.

00:50:04.000 Joe, we cannot have mind reading.

00:50:06.000 Mind reading plus legal acid.

00:50:07.000 We can fix this.

00:50:08.000 Mind reading is bad.

00:50:09.000 Mind reading is going to result in...

00:50:12.000 Your woman is in a... 1.00

00:50:13.000 Women are going to be segregated. 1.00

00:50:15.000 Why?

00:50:16.000 Why?

00:50:16.000 If you brought...

00:50:17.000 Dude.

00:50:18.000 What would happen?

00:50:19.000 Dude. 1.00

00:50:19.000 If you meet your best friend's wife, and in your head's like, yeah, I'd like to fuck her from behind. 1.00

00:50:27.000 And then they know about her. 1.00

00:50:28.000 It's going to be disastrous.

00:50:30.000 You're going to have to learn how to curb those thoughts, homeboy.

00:50:33.000 Never going to happen.

00:50:34.000 It's a blink.

00:50:35.000 It's a blink.

00:50:36.000 What are you talking about?

00:50:37.000 This is what it'll be.

00:50:39.000 There'll be many layers of what a thought is.

00:50:43.000 There's a thought about... 0.99

00:50:45.000 Yeah, we have to categorize it, but the early days, when it's like Mark comes in, dressed nice, shaven, I'm like, oh, I want to fuck that. 0.99

00:50:51.000 Wait, what? 1.00

00:50:52.000 You are the gay one, dude. 1.00

00:50:54.000 What? 1.00

00:50:54.000 I knew you were nasty and gay. 1.00

00:50:57.000 What is this? 0.99

00:50:58.000 This is a movie with Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley, who was in Star Wars.

00:51:04.000 The sci-fi thing is explaining what you guys are talking about.

00:51:07.000 Men's thoughts are out loud, and women's are not in this movie.

00:51:12.000 I thought it was very interesting, but what you're saying is what is happening.

00:51:17.000 Well, Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14. He sounds like a little bitch in this movie. 1.00

00:51:21.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

00:51:22.000 Chappelle had that old bit when he was 14. She ran away through the woods.

00:51:25.000 He's like, I'd like to hold her down and fuck her. 1.00

00:51:27.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:51:27.000 Mark's just one part of me. 1.00

00:51:30.000 I'm just trying to talk, you fucking animals. 0.99

00:51:32.000 Chappelle had a bit when he was 14 about how superheroes, he's like, you know, what if Batman went to a black neighborhood? 0.99

00:51:38.000 Where's the car, Robin?

00:51:39.000 Whatever.

00:51:39.000 But he had a great bit about...

00:51:42.000 Wonder Woman has a lasso of truth, so if she scooped you up, you'd be like, nice tits. 1.00

00:51:48.000 That was when he was 14. But it's true, that's what we would think. 0.99

00:51:53.000 If you could do mind reading, we'd be fucked. 0.95

00:51:56.000 But would we be, but isn't the problem is that we can't read minds? 0.98

00:52:00.000 Shouldn't people adjust the way they think about things?

00:52:02.000 No!

00:52:03.000 You can't help it.

00:52:04.000 I bet you can if technology arises.

00:52:06.000 Here's the thing.

00:52:07.000 There's no way.

00:52:08.000 That's not progress.

00:52:09.000 What about Google?

00:52:10.000 Are you willing to give up Google on your phone?

00:52:11.000 Joe.

00:52:12.000 Are you willing to give up Google on your phone?

00:52:14.000 You're not.

00:52:15.000 Google is fine.

00:52:16.000 Yeah, you're gonna get to the next Google.

00:52:18.000 The next Google is mind reading.

00:52:20.000 Joe.

00:52:21.000 What?

00:52:21.000 There's no way.

00:52:23.000 It's in your head.

00:52:24.000 Get in there, bro.

00:52:25.000 Look around.

00:52:27.000 Get in there, man.

00:52:28.000 Look around.

00:52:29.000 A lot of meat recipes.

00:52:31.000 Hold on.

00:52:32.000 I really am pretty consistent.

00:52:34.000 Joke.

00:52:36.000 Oh, here's another jalapeno steak.

00:52:38.000 A hot lady. 1.00

00:52:39.000 I'm really into reverse here, but...

00:52:41.000 A hot lady comes up to you. 1.00

00:52:43.000 Hot lady. 0.99

00:52:44.000 Hot lady walks up. 1.00

00:52:46.000 Imagine a hot lady. 1.00

00:52:47.000 She looks directly into your mind.

00:52:49.000 You're not going, nice.

00:52:53.000 Literally every single woman is like, deal with it. 1.00

00:53:00.000 If we get mind reading, what if a hot lady walks up to you and goes, I think I don't have to work anymore. 1.00

00:53:09.000 That would be that too.

00:53:10.000 That would be the other side of it.

00:53:12.000 She looks at you and goes, this guy, he's a sweet guy.

00:53:16.000 Yeah, I don't think we need technology for that.

00:53:19.000 I could make myself love him.

00:53:21.000 Imagine you're a married woman on a treadmill, and then you look over and you're like, oh, there's Jerry Seinfeld. 0.99

00:53:28.000 Maybe I could suck that Bentley after looking out online. 1.00

00:53:36.000 I can suck his dick into a full future. 1.00

00:53:39.000 That's going to be a thing. 1.00

00:53:40.000 It's so easy.

00:53:41.000 We're so vulnerable.

00:53:44.000 Women are so... 1.00

00:53:45.000 A hot woman, a really hot woman is so fucking powerful. 1.00

00:53:52.000 Take it easy. 0.99

00:53:55.000 When you see Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos, you're like, I get it.

00:54:01.000 Yeah, and they know it, too.

00:54:03.000 Who's the chick from Transformers? 0.99

00:54:05.000 Megan Fox.

00:54:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:07.000 It's just like, you can do whatever you want with anybody.

00:54:09.000 Yeah, Stavros was talking about her the other day.

00:54:12.000 It's like, yeah, like angular.

00:54:14.000 Just like superior genetics.

00:54:17.000 Why are you talking slow and soft?

00:54:20.000 Yeah, why are you trying to get us hard?

00:54:22.000 Come on, Joe. 0.97

00:54:23.000 I'm going to take these headphones off and keep talking sexual.

00:54:26.000 Sorry, boys.

00:54:28.000 Who just did the Transformer voice?

00:54:32.000 What voice?

00:54:33.000 Didn't one of you guys just do that?

00:54:34.000 Robots in disguise.

00:54:35.000 Oh, that was me.

00:54:36.000 Sorry.

00:54:36.000 Alright, nice.

00:54:37.000 That was good. 0.99

00:54:38.000 I'm just fucking around. 0.99

00:54:39.000 But yeah, we can't have too much... 0.99

00:54:40.000 A little ignorance is bliss.

00:54:42.000 You need a little bit of...

00:54:43.000 Yeah, but that's not gonna happen, man.

00:54:46.000 I'm telling you, that's the bottleneck.

00:54:48.000 The bottleneck is...

00:54:49.000 That's the end of society.

00:54:50.000 You'll need some...

00:54:50.000 It'll be so bad.

00:54:52.000 It'll be way worse.

00:54:52.000 We think social media is bad.

00:54:54.000 We think social media is bad where we're like, everybody shouldn't be talking.

00:54:57.000 The last thing I want is to bring my girlfriend... 1.00

00:55:01.000 Around my friends and listen to my friends thought of like... 1.00

00:55:05.000 I'd fuck her. 1.00

00:55:05.000 I'd fuck her, I'd fuck her. 1.00

00:55:06.000 Yeah, of course. 1.00

00:55:07.000 Well, how about this? 1.00

00:55:08.000 I wouldn't fuck her. 1.00

00:55:09.000 It would also be terrible. 1.00

00:55:12.000 Yeah, good point.

00:55:13.000 I'll tell you what, Ari.

00:55:15.000 Ari? 0.99

00:55:16.000 I've never heard a better...

00:55:17.000 Ari? 0.99

00:55:18.000 Yeah.

00:55:18.000 Whatever.

00:55:21.000 I mean, that's the worst.

00:55:24.000 Yeah.

00:55:24.000 You bring a hot...

00:55:25.000 You think, oh, this is my girl.

00:55:27.000 Wait, why does that guy not?

00:55:29.000 And then you bring your girl around, and the guy goes, ew. 1.00

00:55:33.000 Well, I have to kill him. 0.98

00:55:36.000 Or how about this, when you see your friend, he's with this woman, and you're like, oh, that's gonna be the end of him. 1.00

00:55:42.000 Yeah.

00:55:43.000 Oh, your buddy's mad at you?

00:55:45.000 Jesus Christ.

00:55:46.000 That's the one.

00:55:46.000 We've seen that one.

00:55:47.000 Oh, we've all seen it so many times.

00:55:50.000 I go, that'd be the end.

00:55:51.000 Hey, it's been good hanging out with you the last ten years. 1.00

00:55:54.000 We're not gonna hang out with you anymore, because you've got some fucking controlling lady. 1.00

00:55:57.000 Damn! 1.00

00:55:59.000 I've seen some guys who had real potential and then all of a sudden they got involved in some woman and then the woman forces them to quit their job and get a regular job. 0.99

00:56:11.000 We've all seen that one.

00:56:13.000 We need to get a job. 0.99

00:56:14.000 Oh my god, he's at the fucking verge. 0.98

00:56:16.000 So many guys aren't in comedy anymore because of that. 0.99

00:56:20.000 Yeah, for real.

00:56:21.000 But if you're a woman and you're banking on a dude to pay the bills... 1.00

00:56:26.000 How many women have saved all of us from some just fucking retard lingering around? 1.00

00:56:32.000 What do you mean? 0.99

00:56:33.000 What do you mean? 0.87

00:56:34.000 I'm saying like a lady going, like, so there's a guy you started with that sucks, and then a woman, he finally meets a babe, and she goes, please God, stop doing stand-up. 1.00

00:56:49.000 You suck. 1.00

00:56:50.000 Oh, good point. 1.00

00:56:51.000 It's important.

00:56:52.000 We're like, he's annoying everybody. 0.99

00:56:54.000 It's important to have a nasty woman there to ruin everything. 1.00

00:56:57.000 Yeah, wounded antelopes can't walk by the waterhole. 0.98

00:57:00.000 Crocodiles take them out.

00:57:02.000 It's almost like we need them as buffers.

00:57:04.000 That's what we need.

00:57:04.000 That's why the crocodiles are there.

00:57:06.000 For every guy who could have been something that got taken away by a woman, there's seven guys who need to be taken out.

00:57:12.000 Yeah, there's way more antelopes where the crocodiles live.

00:57:16.000 That's funny.

00:57:16.000 They talk about it.

00:57:18.000 They talk about how behind every great man is a very strong woman.

00:57:21.000 Behind every complete loser is a truly strong woman that crushed his spirits.

00:57:29.000 Right. 0.96

00:57:30.000 It's totally true.

00:57:33.000 It's so true. 0.84

00:57:34.000 Some smart woman was like, stop... 1.00

00:57:36.000 What you're doing, you have no future.

00:57:40.000 Also, it's like that's a weird dynamic when the woman has all the power. 1.00

00:57:44.000 I was fucking around on stage about Mackenzie Bezos, how she married a science teacher. 0.97

00:57:50.000 Mackenzie Bezos divorced Jeff Bezos. 0.98

00:57:52.000 She made like $38 billion and she married a dude worth $3,200. 1.00

00:57:59.000 This is like, how is this gonna work?

00:58:01.000 I remember that bit.

00:58:02.000 It lasted 16 months. 1.00

00:58:05.000 Yeah, you fucking tapped out. 1.00

00:58:07.000 You got no power. 1.00

00:58:07.000 You can pretend for as long as you want, but you don't, like, that's a hard fucking... 1.00

00:58:12.000 That's what women should focus on, is guys who have potential but don't know it yet. 0.98

00:58:17.000 Yeah, but how could you do that? 0.99

00:58:18.000 And then let them build your business, and you just say, I was with you from the beginning, I support you, Ari's pissing again, holy shit. 1.00

00:58:24.000 Right, but if you're a woman that's worth 38 billion dollars, like, what do you do? 1.00

00:58:27.000 Are you worth that much money?

00:58:29.000 Exactly.

00:58:30.000 What do you do?

00:58:31.000 Like, what are your options?

00:58:31.000 You can't find any man.

00:58:32.000 But women like a successful talent. 1.00

00:58:35.000 Listen, listen, listen, listen.

00:58:36.000 You're looking at it wrong.

00:58:37.000 You're looking at it wrong.

00:58:40.000 You're looking at it wrong.

00:58:41.000 I'm looking at it right.

00:58:41.000 That's a big head on that menorah.

00:58:43.000 A woman who has 38 billion doesn't need anything from you, so why don't you listen to anything you have to say? 1.00

00:58:48.000 All she wants is big dick. 1.00

00:58:49.000 Every NBA player, every wife they have, every hot actor, They just get an Instagram fucking influencer. 1.00

00:58:55.000 None of them get a scientist. 0.99

00:58:57.000 Alright, I gotta ask this.

00:58:59.000 I don't know if that's 100% true.

00:59:00.000 Not 100%, but a massive majority.

00:59:03.000 They don't get any smart check. 0.96

00:59:04.000 Look at all that piss. 0.98

00:59:05.000 That's a lot.

00:59:06.000 I'll admit to that.

00:59:10.000 Jamie, can you play Joy to the World by Nat King Cole?

00:59:13.000 Joy to the world.

00:59:15.000 All the boys and girls.

00:59:18.000 No, no, different one.

00:59:19.000 Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea.

00:59:22.000 Joy to you and me.

00:59:25.000 Oh, here it comes, dude.

00:59:26.000 This is a jam.

00:59:30.000 Oh, that's way different than ours.

00:59:33.000 Look at him.

00:59:34.000 Look at him go. 0.99

00:59:35.000 Damn, that went down easy. 1.00

00:59:37.000 Shane's a boy. 0.99

00:59:38.000 Shane's a boy.

00:59:38.000 Shane's a dog.

00:59:39.000 You know what, Shane?

00:59:40.000 You have a fun thumb.

00:59:41.000 Let me tell you something, bro.

00:59:43.000 You got a fun thumb.

00:59:45.000 Because your thumb doesn't go straight up.

00:59:48.000 Your thumb goes all the way back.

00:59:50.000 Look at that extra angle you have.

00:59:52.000 I don't have that angle.

00:59:54.000 I got it.

00:59:55.000 Yeah, Ari's got it. 0.61

00:59:56.000 Ari's thumb is crazy. 1.00

00:59:59.000 Jamie, I saw you throw that thumb up, dude.

01:00:00.000 You got no curve on there.

01:00:03.000 Jamie's got it hard.

01:00:04.000 Oh my god, that's insane.

01:00:07.000 You guys all have fun thumbs except me.

01:00:09.000 Fun thumbs.

01:00:10.000 Fun thumbs.

01:00:11.000 You and I, it's pretty close.

01:00:14.000 Yeah.

01:00:14.000 You guys have unfun thumbs.

01:00:16.000 My ears are connected.

01:00:17.000 I get that all day online.

01:00:19.000 That's a weird one.

01:00:19.000 You can look at Biden.

01:00:21.000 What's the difference?

01:00:22.000 Hitchhiker's thumb.

01:00:24.000 If it doesn't go all the way back, it's a serial killer.

01:00:30.000 Hypermobile.

01:00:31.000 You might have a fishhiker's thumb.

01:00:33.000 Bro, when I was in high school, I remember there was dudes that could take their thumb and push it all the way to their forearm.

01:00:40.000 I remember that.

01:00:41.000 That's insane.

01:00:41.000 Oh, I already got it.

01:00:42.000 Can you do that?

01:00:44.000 Oh my god, you can do that?

01:00:46.000 Easy, big fella. 0.78

01:00:47.000 Is that touching your forearm?

01:00:48.000 It is.

01:00:48.000 Ow.

01:00:49.000 Oh my god, mine's not even close.

01:00:51.000 Oh, I can't do it on this hand.

01:00:52.000 Jamie used to be able to do it.

01:00:53.000 I can't do it when I was younger.

01:00:54.000 I heard you go, I can't do it anymore.

01:00:56.000 It hurts. 1.00

01:00:57.000 My shit's not even close. 1.00

01:00:59.000 Wow. 0.99

01:01:00.000 Comfortably thumbed.

01:01:01.000 Which way do you go?

01:01:02.000 Not bad.

01:01:03.000 This side's better.

01:01:04.000 Under?

01:01:04.000 Whatever way you can go.

01:01:05.000 Under.

01:01:06.000 Hands here.

01:01:06.000 You can get it there.

01:01:07.000 No, no.

01:01:08.000 I can't even come close.

01:01:09.000 I'm a solid inch and a half away.

01:01:12.000 Inch and a half away.

01:01:13.000 Thumb fights.

01:01:14.000 I can't even get any closer than that.

01:01:16.000 Jamie, I got a request for the next one.

01:01:18.000 Maybe an inch.

01:01:19.000 I literally just said that.

01:01:21.000 Christmas wrapping.

01:01:24.000 That's another weird one. 0.99

01:01:26.000 Some people could do weird shit with their wrists, too. 0.99

01:01:27.000 Can you just play Nat King Cole, Joy to the World? 0.99

01:01:29.000 Well, pre-internet, double-jointed guys were king.

01:01:32.000 Were king. 0.99

01:01:33.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00

01:01:34.000 They dominated grammar school. 1.00

01:01:37.000 Double-jointed.

01:01:38.000 You're like, wah!

01:01:40.000 Yeah.

01:01:40.000 They dominated grammar school.

01:01:42.000 They dominated grammar school.

01:01:44.000 They were the kids.

01:01:44.000 They were the guy who did the flip-up of the eyelids.

01:01:46.000 Remember that guy?

01:01:46.000 Oh, yeah.

01:01:47.000 That was a big one.

01:01:48.000 That was a big one.

01:01:49.000 Got it.

01:01:49.000 There was no entertainment.

01:01:50.000 The flip-up of the eyelids freaked everybody out.

01:01:52.000 Yeah, that thing, the inside out.

01:01:54.000 Oh, that was a big one.

01:01:55.000 That was a big one.

01:01:56.000 Well, we had to make fun. 1.00

01:01:57.000 Remember the bat wing with your dick? 1.00

01:01:59.000 You remember the first guy that cummed? 1.00

01:02:01.000 I got a spider butt. 0.99

01:02:02.000 You remember that guy?

01:02:03.000 When you were a kid?

01:02:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:04.000 You go, God damn, that guy's a freak. 1.00

01:02:06.000 What do you mean? 1.00

01:02:07.000 We had a guy in my group of friends that...

01:02:10.000 Came?

01:02:11.000 Came first, and then he got like hairy.

01:02:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:02:14.000 Dude, my boy hit puberty like a year and a half before all of us.

01:02:18.000 Yeah.

01:02:19.000 I like the background.

01:02:20.000 How old was he?

01:02:21.000 He was my age.

01:02:22.000 What was the age that you both were?

01:02:25.000 Uh, bro.

01:02:27.000 What does that mean?

01:02:28.000 What does that mean, though, bro?

01:02:30.000 Aren't you back in time with me right now?

01:02:32.000 Oh my god, look at this stack of Bud Light.

01:02:33.000 No, no, no, this is everybody's. 1.00

01:02:35.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:02:36.000 Two of those are Ari's. 1.00

01:02:38.000 Oh my god, I'm taking a picture of that.

01:02:40.000 No, no, no.

01:02:41.000 This guy's having fun. 1.00

01:02:41.000 No, shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:02:43.000 That's amazing. 1.00

01:02:43.000 No, no. 1.00

01:02:45.000 Some of those are bomb beers.

01:02:46.000 It's everybody's.

01:02:47.000 It's everybody's. 0.99

01:02:48.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:02:49.000 I'm putting that shit online. 1.00

01:02:50.000 Give me that bomb, dude. 1.00

01:02:51.000 I'm the king of misinformation.

01:02:52.000 Keep it wrong.

01:02:54.000 King of misinformation.

01:02:56.000 Shout out Mike.

01:02:57.000 I'm spreading that misinformation.

01:02:59.000 Shout out Mike Connolly.

01:03:01.000 He got pubes and hair before all of us.

01:03:04.000 An Irish gun. 0.60

01:03:06.000 And then he played, he would call my house and he would go like, Hey, is Shane there?

01:03:12.000 And I remember my parents being like, No, who is this?

01:03:16.000 Oh, really?

01:03:18.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:03:18.000 Did you guys jerk off together? 1.00

01:03:20.000 Oh yeah, we all did. 1.00

01:03:21.000 We did that.

01:03:21.000 I did that.

01:03:22.000 No, guys, it's fun.

01:03:23.000 You should try it. 0.99

01:03:24.000 I get a lot of shit for that online. 0.99

01:03:25.000 Everybody's like, no one did that. 0.99

01:03:26.000 We all sat in a room.

01:03:27.000 All the guys who say they didn't do it, I understand why they think it's crazy, but they didn't have friends.

01:03:35.000 I guess so. 0.99

01:03:36.000 If you had friends and one guy had porn, you jacked off. 1.00

01:03:40.000 Why wouldn't you share it? 1.00

01:03:41.000 Why wouldn't you share this awesome thing?

01:03:42.000 You shared a sweet treat.

01:03:43.000 VHS tape.

01:03:45.000 Well, we got the Pam and Tommy tape mail to us, and that was a big deal.

01:03:50.000 We all got together, got under the covers.

01:03:52.000 When I was a kid, the VHS tape came out.

01:03:55.000 I was a kid in high school.

01:03:58.000 And you could get porn.

01:04:00.000 And other kids started getting porn. 0.87

01:04:03.000 Sharing porn in school. 1.00

01:04:05.000 And we'd fucking trade porn with each other. 1.00

01:04:07.000 Get VHS tapes. 0.99

01:04:09.000 It was an orange tape or a blue tape.

01:04:10.000 It was always colorful.

01:04:12.000 Really?

01:04:12.000 I don't remember that.

01:04:13.000 The little fucking adhesive you'd be able to write on what it was. 0.98

01:04:17.000 Yes, exactly. 0.99

01:04:19.000 Bro, it was difficult to jack off back then.

01:04:22.000 No, it wasn't.

01:04:22.000 You just used your imagination back then.

01:04:24.000 Right.

01:04:24.000 I said, if you want to watch this.

01:04:25.000 Fast Times New Age on High.

01:04:26.000 Good enough.

01:04:27.000 I know.

01:04:28.000 That was huge.

01:04:28.000 I'll tell you what.

01:04:29.000 I'll tell you what.

01:04:30.000 You jack off to that now, you've got a problem. 1.00

01:04:32.000 Yeah, now it's like you're fucking... 1.00

01:04:33.000 That girl's young. 1.00

01:04:34.000 Yeah.

01:04:34.000 Really?

01:04:35.000 The whole point of it was just...

01:04:37.000 She was in high school, right?

01:04:38.000 But when you were younger, it was like, I don't know.

01:04:41.000 We were in high school, too.

01:04:42.000 Lately, me and that guy, we're both jacking off.

01:04:45.000 Yeah, we've all, we all did that.

01:04:47.000 Oh, that guy was my acting teacher in L.A., yeah.

01:04:51.000 Oh, what?

01:04:52.000 Did he try to convert you to Scientology?

01:04:55.000 No, no, it wasn't one of those schools.

01:04:56.000 That was in Silver Lake.

01:04:58.000 That's a big thing with acting schools, man, is Scientology.

01:05:02.000 Really?

01:05:02.000 That's a big thing.

01:05:03.000 Don't do it, kids.

01:05:05.000 A girl I dated went to a Scientology acting school.

01:05:08.000 It was right behind that. 0.99

01:05:09.000 And I had to go to this fucking thing and watch. 0.99

01:05:10.000 What? 1.00

01:05:11.000 Oh my god.

01:05:12.000 What?

01:05:12.000 One of the things that was fascinating was they'd have these moments where they would just, like, they'd give them the opportunity to do whatever they wanted on stage.

01:05:19.000 Wow.

01:05:20.000 They'd call it, like, a private moment.

01:05:21.000 They would go up and, like, pretend to read a book and, like, cough.

01:05:24.000 It was like...

01:05:25.000 It was so strange.

01:05:26.000 I was like, what's going on here?

01:05:27.000 I'm like, why is everybody Scientologist?

01:05:30.000 Yeah.

01:05:30.000 And then Callan was involved in one.

01:05:32.000 I bet.

01:05:32.000 And Callan told me about it.

01:05:34.000 And he said, dude, that everyone was Scientologist.

01:05:36.000 What is this?

01:05:37.000 Oh, Phoebe Cates. 0.98

01:05:37.000 Yeah, Phoebe Cates was so pretty. 0.98

01:05:39.000 So hot.

01:05:40.000 She quit the business.

01:05:41.000 Fire that up, J-Mo. 0.93

01:05:42.000 She was around 17 or 18 during filming.

01:05:44.000 Alright, that's legal.

01:05:45.000 Definitely don't film it up.

01:05:46.000 Don't film it up.

01:05:48.000 Wow, that's a classic scene, her coming out of the pool.

01:05:50.000 Christmas wrapping.

01:05:51.000 Guys, I got a question.

01:05:52.000 What was your favorite Christmas gift, dude?

01:05:55.000 You're excluded.

01:05:56.000 I mean, come on, dude.

01:05:57.000 Obviously, I'm out.

01:05:58.000 You had some good moments in Hanukkah.

01:06:01.000 You got a candle.

01:06:03.000 I'll tell you mine.

01:06:04.000 Yeah, go ahead.

01:06:05.000 I got nothing forever.

01:06:09.000 What do you mean nothing?

01:06:11.000 Your parents didn't give you gifts? 0.99

01:06:13.000 Yeah, it just sucked. 0.98

01:06:15.000 It wasn't good.

01:06:16.000 And then one year, eighth grade, I got a TV in the guest room in our house.

01:06:24.000 They had a TV room now.

01:06:26.000 And then they got me a PS2. Whoa!

01:06:29.000 That was number one.

01:06:30.000 That's pretty good.

01:06:32.000 Have you ever seen the black kid gets a fake Xbox? 1.00

01:06:35.000 And my dad hid the PS2. What do you mean?

01:06:37.000 So I opened all the gifts, and they were like, that was what you got this year.

01:06:42.000 I was like, alright, yeah, great.

01:06:45.000 Socks, underwear.

01:06:47.000 And they go, hey, check behind the couch.

01:06:50.000 PS2, Grand Theft Auto.

01:06:51.000 That's nice.

01:06:52.000 See, now that'd be filmed.

01:06:54.000 And they'd have you be like, oh, socks.

01:06:56.000 They'd be like, oh, bring it down, they'd build you up like life.

01:06:59.000 Yeah.

01:06:59.000 That kid gets a fake Xbox.

01:07:01.000 You got an Xbox. 0.99

01:07:03.000 Little black kid.

01:07:04.000 It's me.

01:07:05.000 Is that Jamie?

01:07:05.000 Is that you?

01:07:06.000 My Nintendo.

01:07:10.000 Jamie, that's crazy. 1.00

01:07:12.000 Look at this fucking house! 1.00

01:07:13.000 Look at the Woodstock thing in the back. 1.00

01:07:15.000 Wow! 0.99

01:07:16.000 The shitty TV on the floor. 0.99

01:07:19.000 That's a great TV with a system. 1.00

01:07:20.000 Hell yeah! 0.95

01:07:21.000 I don't like to think that there was a Jamie before I met him.

01:07:25.000 Younger Jamie.

01:07:26.000 He just appeared from another dimension.

01:07:28.000 I can't believe your parents love you.

01:07:31.000 That was nice. 1.00

01:07:32.000 You were young when you got that good shit. 0.99

01:07:34.000 Yeah, I was about to turn six. 1.00

01:07:36.000 We had a tough Christmas. 0.99

01:07:37.000 My parents got us all garage sale shit, and we opened it. 0.99

01:07:41.000 We're like, oh! 0.99

01:07:44.000 A used wrestling buddy with stains on it.

01:07:48.000 What's a wrestling buddy?

01:07:50.000 What's a wrestling buddy? 1.00

01:07:51.000 Wrestling buddy, you take up to your room and you cut a hole in it and you fuck it. 1.00

01:07:55.000 It's a stuffed animal, macho man, Randy Savage. 1.00

01:07:59.000 And you know they spent a lot of money on it and they saw your fucking... 0.99

01:08:03.000 There they are. 1.00

01:08:04.000 Damn, I look exactly like Stone Cold. 0.99

01:08:09.000 Oh my god! 1.00

01:08:10.000 I can't stop laughing! 1.00

01:08:12.000 Yeah, yeah, I used to fuck the shit out of them. 1.00

01:08:14.000 I jizzed all over those. 1.00

01:08:15.000 Oh my god!

01:08:16.000 Those were the two I had.

01:08:17.000 Oh my god.

01:08:18.000 You had them too?

01:08:18.000 I had those too.

01:08:20.000 Oh my god, this is hilarious.

01:08:21.000 The Hulk rules shirt?

01:08:23.000 With the Hulk rules shirt on?

01:08:25.000 Well, that's the thing.

01:08:26.000 I got used ones.

01:08:27.000 They had jizz on it and stains.

01:08:29.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:08:29.000 You're gonna fuck it. 1.00

01:08:31.000 That's a real problem if they ever really do invent robot fuck dolls. 1.00

01:08:36.000 I mean, just think about what they're able to do now with Face Swap. 0.99

01:08:40.000 Go.

01:08:40.000 My song first.

01:08:41.000 You give them another one?

01:08:42.000 Go.

01:08:43.000 We just haven't a gooeya. 0.99

01:08:45.000 Or I'm gonna be.

01:08:46.000 Again.

01:08:46.000 No.

01:08:47.000 Yeah.

01:08:47.000 I gotta pee.

01:08:49.000 I'm hydrated.

01:08:49.000 I'm feeling really healthy.

01:08:52.000 I will say you've changed.

01:08:54.000 Since our challenge, you tried to push me to the brink last week.

01:08:57.000 I could, but I don't...

01:08:58.000 You could, but you didn't.

01:09:00.000 What's the point?

01:09:01.000 Let's just pee.

01:09:02.000 Joe, as a listener, you pushed me to the brink one time.

01:09:05.000 Since then, you've been peeing every episode.

01:09:07.000 I broke you, dude. 0.55

01:09:09.000 Yeah, you broke me. 0.85

01:09:10.000 I just have to pee.

01:09:11.000 Yeah, you broke me.

01:09:12.000 Put on having a gila for your fear. 1.00

01:09:18.000 Damn. 1.00

01:09:20.000 Shotgun that. 1.00

01:09:20.000 Beacon Theater, January 27th. 1.00

01:09:22.000 Shut up, you fucking pussy. 1.00

01:09:23.000 January 27th, go see Mark Norman. 1.00

01:09:25.000 Shut up. 0.96

01:09:26.000 Shreveport, tickets are low. 1.00

01:09:28.000 All right, go, Harry.

01:09:29.000 Hop in a gila.

01:09:30.000 Hit it, baby. 0.85

01:09:39.000 Nice. 0.99

01:09:39.000 Put it down, fatty. 0.99

01:09:41.000 Yeah.

01:09:42.000 I do, actually.

01:09:43.000 Yo, for real, though.

01:09:44.000 Free Palestine.

01:09:45.000 There you go.

01:09:46.000 Yo, look at me in the face.

01:09:49.000 Free Palestine.

01:09:50.000 Hey, Ari.

01:09:51.000 You mean they had been since 2005?

01:09:53.000 Free Palestine.

01:09:53.000 Guys, I'll be in the Palace of Fine Arts January 13th.

01:09:56.000 Can I get out?

01:09:57.000 I'll be in Tempe and Tucson this week.

01:09:58.000 Get tickets at AriShaffir.com.

01:10:01.000 Denver's setting the record for shows.

01:10:02.000 AriShaffir.com.

01:10:03.000 From the river to the sea.

01:10:05.000 Where are you setting the record?

01:10:06.000 Denver, straight sold out shows in Comedy Works.

01:10:09.000 Doing two straight weeks.

01:10:11.000 Two weeks.

01:10:13.000 Two straight weeks.

01:10:14.000 First week of March, second week of March.

01:10:16.000 First week of March is on sale now.

01:10:18.000 Setting the record.

01:10:19.000 Best club in the country.

01:10:19.000 Why would I go anywhere else?

01:10:20.000 Palestine pro people, go bomb that. 1.00

01:10:23.000 Yeah, Palestinians are welcome. 0.83

01:10:26.000 You pay 1.25%.

01:10:28.000 Go bother him.

01:10:30.000 Protest.

01:10:31.000 Protest outside and be great for sales.

01:10:34.000 So much.

01:10:35.000 Boston, Toronto on sale this week.

01:10:37.000 There you go.

01:10:38.000 Markdomey.com.

01:10:42.000 Markdomey.com.

01:10:43.000 The shotguns go down so hard so fast.

01:10:46.000 The throat, it hits the throat. 0.96

01:10:47.000 It's like the brain freeze.

01:10:49.000 Yeah, it's cold.

01:10:50.000 Well, can you explain what brain feeds is?

01:10:51.000 Because I always thought it's when your throat gets really cold.

01:10:53.000 I got whiskey here.

01:10:54.000 You're up, brother.

01:10:55.000 I think it's just a vast amount of cold.

01:10:58.000 Oh, you never got it?

01:10:59.000 I only get it in here, where it hurts here, where I gotta go.

01:11:01.000 That's how I get it.

01:11:02.000 I get it.

01:11:03.000 What's brain feed?

01:11:04.000 Up into the temples.

01:11:05.000 You don't get into the temples.

01:11:05.000 Brain feeds is a myth.

01:11:07.000 It means the roof of your mouth.

01:11:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:09.000 I get it in here, I'm like too cold to go after a slurpee.

01:11:12.000 But I never get it in anywhere up here.

01:11:14.000 What is it?

01:11:15.000 I think people have a hard time discerning what... 1.00

01:11:18.000 Oh, you coward. 0.99

01:11:20.000 Did you back out of it? 1.00

01:11:21.000 It's his turn.

01:11:21.000 No, I was going to take it.

01:11:22.000 Is it your turn?

01:11:23.000 It is his turn.

01:11:24.000 Oh, alright.

01:11:24.000 I think people have a hard time.

01:11:25.000 It's so much pain back here that you think it's in your brain.

01:11:29.000 Really?

01:11:29.000 Yeah, I think it's flaring from the back of your throat.

01:11:32.000 It's so hardcore that your brain is like... 1.00

01:11:35.000 Holy shit, what is this? 0.99

01:11:37.000 Because it's literally like your floor is rattling. 0.99

01:11:40.000 Like, what is going on down there?

01:11:42.000 Why is it so cold down there immediately?

01:11:44.000 Brain freeze is a myth.

01:11:45.000 Like a slurpee?

01:11:46.000 Like the clip.

01:11:46.000 Slurpee, though, but it gets you in the throat where you're like...

01:11:48.000 But I kind of get it in the back of my brain.

01:11:51.000 You do?

01:11:52.000 Yeah.

01:11:52.000 Yeah, I kind of get it.

01:11:53.000 Nice, Mark!

01:11:55.000 Norman.

01:11:55.000 Nice, Mark!

01:11:57.000 Norman.

01:11:57.000 You know what's funny?

01:11:58.000 I get brain freeze any time I do coke.

01:12:03.000 Really?

01:12:04.000 You ever get that in the back of your head?

01:12:06.000 Not on coke.

01:12:07.000 Not on coke, no.

01:12:08.000 You ever snort something and it hurts kind of the back of your head? 0.99

01:12:10.000 Oh, when I shit, when I move fast, sometimes I'm like, ow, what is that? 0.99

01:12:13.000 Speaking of coke, Hunter Biden's in trouble. 0.99

01:12:16.000 Is he? 1.00

01:12:16.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:12:18.000 He's indicted. 1.00

01:12:18.000 They got him good. 1.00

01:12:19.000 Because wait for the days that they're going to do a Hunter Biden movie and it's going to fucking rule because his life fucking rules. 0.99

01:12:25.000 Nick Cage. 0.99

01:12:26.000 Nick Cage is Hunter Biden.

01:12:28.000 Joe, give me that.

01:12:29.000 Oh yeah, he should!

01:12:31.000 Nick Cage is Hunter Biden. 0.99

01:12:32.000 I think he spent 827k on hookers. 1.00

01:12:35.000 He rules! 0.95

01:12:36.000 He should be!

01:12:38.000 Isn't that what you do when you win the lottery?

01:12:42.000 The dad president lottery?

01:12:44.000 I mean, this is the thing.

01:12:45.000 What's your dad do?

01:12:45.000 My dad does, oh, the ultimate.

01:12:48.000 It's like winning the lottery.

01:12:50.000 It's like winning the lottery.

01:12:51.000 Dad's never around.

01:12:52.000 My dad was second in charge.

01:12:53.000 He went to first in charge.

01:12:55.000 There you go.

01:12:56.000 He knew the black guy. 1.00

01:12:57.000 My dad sold bottle caps, and I still got hookers. 1.00

01:13:02.000 James. 0.96

01:13:02.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:13:03.000 You know?

01:13:04.000 Stop that.

01:13:05.000 You can't judge him.

01:13:06.000 What's your song, Joe?

01:13:07.000 The same song.

01:13:08.000 Okay.

01:13:09.000 No, no, no.

01:13:10.000 What's your Christmas song?

01:13:10.000 Get a Christmas song.

01:13:11.000 Let me think.

01:13:14.000 I don't know an actual Christmas song.

01:13:17.000 Really?

01:13:17.000 Just whatever comes to mind when you think Christmas.

01:13:19.000 Come on.

01:13:20.000 Jingle Bell Rock.

01:13:21.000 Yeah, that's a good one.

01:13:22.000 Who does it?

01:13:24.000 Run DMC, Christmas and Hollis.

01:13:26.000 There we go!

01:13:28.000 Run DMC. Christmas and Hollis is up there.

01:13:31.000 Hollis Queen.

01:13:32.000 It's number three all the time.

01:13:33.000 Christmas and Hollis.

01:13:34.000 Let's go with that.

01:13:37.000 All right.

01:13:38.000 Keep that Hunter Biden tab open.

01:13:40.000 Jamie, can you bring that up?

01:13:42.000 He's just Googling it.

01:13:46.000 Wait for it.

01:13:48.000 Wait for the drop.

01:13:49.000 Oh, there it is.

01:13:50.000 December 24th at Hollis Queen.

01:13:52.000 Yeah, it's wonderful.

01:13:54.000 Very nice.

01:13:55.000 Come on, fire it up. 1.00

01:13:57.000 It's crazy that Aerosmith had to throw them a bone.

01:14:00.000 Nah, it was the other way around.

01:14:02.000 They needed street cred.

01:14:03.000 Oh, interesting.

01:14:04.000 Yeah.

01:14:07.000 It was December 24th when Hollis happened to dark When I seen a man chilling with his dog in the park I approached him very slowly with my heart A little reindeer!

01:14:18.000 That's very fun.

01:14:19.000 Shotgun that.

01:14:20.000 Joseph?

01:14:21.000 Come on, this is your era.

01:14:23.000 Yes, Joseph.

01:14:25.000 There you go. 1.00

01:14:26.000 Joseph sucks it. 1.00

01:14:27.000 Man, well done, buddy. 1.00

01:14:30.000 We're going to be retarded. 0.97

01:14:32.000 We're already retarded. 0.97

01:14:34.000 Dude, me and DeRosa went to see them. 0.82

01:14:36.000 The world needs this.

01:14:37.000 Let me tell you something, boys. 0.99

01:14:38.000 We're already retarded. 0.96

01:14:39.000 The world needs this right now. 1.00

01:14:41.000 The world needs this kind of four-level stupidity that we provide. 0.99

01:14:46.000 Dude, me and DeRosa went to see them at Forest Hills, and it was LL Cool Jays, like Rock the Bells, and they're like saying everybody's got to stay on time. 0.99

01:14:53.000 Run DMC's there in Queens.

01:14:55.000 And they're like, hey, we've got to wrap it up, everyone's behind.

01:14:57.000 And whoever the leader is, I don't know whichever one, they're older here, he goes, no, we're not getting off.

01:15:02.000 We're Run DMC, and this is Queens, New York. 0.99

01:15:05.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:15:07.000 Hurry up. 0.99

01:15:08.000 I don't hurry.

01:15:10.000 I'm Run DMC and this is Queens.

01:15:13.000 You're gonna wait.

01:15:14.000 That's exciting. 0.97

01:15:14.000 It was so fucking cool. 0.97

01:15:16.000 I will never have that. 0.97

01:15:17.000 I'm like, oh, I gotta get off?

01:15:19.000 Okay, I got it.

01:15:20.000 You gotta go, you gotta go.

01:15:21.000 Alright, thank you.

01:15:22.000 Thank God.

01:15:23.000 The weird thing about shows is people get so controlling.

01:15:26.000 It's literally the opposite of entertainment.

01:15:29.000 Yeah, he was like, what's that?

01:15:30.000 What?

01:15:30.000 Oh, time's up?

01:15:31.000 Oh, cool, thanks.

01:15:33.000 He was like, nah.

01:15:37.000 What's that, water?

01:15:39.000 Mark's trying to balance out. 1.00

01:15:41.000 You're always the biggest coward. 1.00

01:15:42.000 Why are you the biggest coward? 1.00

01:15:45.000 I want six, seven, eight, or nine of these. 0.99

01:15:48.000 Why do people describe you as cowardly?

01:15:51.000 Jamie, what are you doing to it? 0.68

01:15:53.000 Can you find...

01:15:54.000 There's only one coffee cup in this whole room.

01:15:56.000 Oh, you have coffee?

01:15:57.000 Hilary Duff Sleigh Bells.

01:15:59.000 Want some?

01:16:00.000 Oh.

01:16:00.000 Yeah.

01:16:01.000 Jamie Bell, can we get some more coffee cups?

01:16:03.000 I'd get a mug.

01:16:06.000 There we go.

01:16:07.000 These get hot here.

01:16:10.000 Yes, that's the one.

01:16:11.000 Oh, Hilary Duff got hot. 1.00

01:16:13.000 Hilary Duff got a little thicky.

01:16:15.000 I like her.

01:16:16.000 This is for the troops.

01:16:18.000 There you go.

01:16:19.000 Thicky dicky. 0.98

01:16:19.000 Is he gonna piss in that too? 0.98

01:16:22.000 What do you got?

01:16:23.000 Oh my god, Ari! 0.98

01:16:25.000 Jesus Christ, don't piss! 0.99

01:16:30.000 Hell yeah! 1.00

01:16:31.000 Hit me there!

01:16:33.000 Give me just a little caffeine!

01:16:36.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:16:37.000 Look at this!

01:16:39.000 Hey! 0.99

01:16:41.000 Remember she threw that bog out the window?

01:16:43.000 Duff Riders.

01:16:45.000 I'm into it.

01:16:46.000 Thank you.

01:16:48.000 What am I looking at?

01:16:49.000 Hillary Duff. 1.00

01:16:50.000 She's got a fucking fat ass. 1.00

01:16:52.000 It's Duffing season. 1.00

01:16:54.000 Holy hell.

01:16:55.000 And it's good.

01:16:55.000 It's helping everybody.

01:16:57.000 The whole country's coming out of Iraq for it. 1.00

01:16:59.000 What was her Disney show?

01:17:01.000 She had a show.

01:17:02.000 Or Nickelodeon or something.

01:17:04.000 She was a kid.

01:17:05.000 Lizzie McGuire.

01:17:06.000 That's the one.

01:17:07.000 Lizzie McGuire.

01:17:08.000 Nice pulpeto.

01:17:09.000 Isn't this a good one?

01:17:10.000 Yeah.

01:17:11.000 It's fun.

01:17:12.000 I wasn't a pedo back then, dude.

01:17:14.000 I was a ped myself.

01:17:15.000 When she threw that bong out the window in Manhattan, out of an upper story, cops knocked on her door, she took a glass bong, a big one, and just chucked it out the window.

01:17:24.000 Real legalization.

01:17:25.000 Whoa.

01:17:26.000 There's something with the Mousketeers.

01:17:28.000 She rules.

01:17:29.000 They get hot, right?

01:17:29.000 She's trouble.

01:17:32.000 Timberlake's hot.

01:17:33.000 Freddie Spear.

01:17:33.000 They all get hot.

01:17:34.000 Christina Aguilera.

01:17:36.000 Aguilera! 0.98

01:17:37.000 Britney Spears, yeah, all of them.

01:17:38.000 They all got hot.

01:17:39.000 They got sexy.

01:17:40.000 Pressure creates diamonds.

01:17:42.000 There you go.

01:17:45.000 Harry loves diamonds.

01:17:48.000 Joe.

01:17:48.000 Justin Diamond.

01:17:49.000 What was your best Christmas gift?

01:17:51.000 Skateboard.

01:17:52.000 You got a skateboard?

01:17:53.000 Yeah, I was so excited. 0.98

01:17:54.000 I would love to see Joe fucking Ollie. 0.98

01:17:56.000 Different actress. 0.99

01:17:57.000 Amanda Bynes.

01:17:58.000 Amanda Bynes, that's what I'm thinking.

01:18:00.000 She rules. 1.00

01:18:01.000 Fuck Hilary Duff. 1.00

01:18:01.000 I knew Hilary Duff wouldn't do something like that. 1.00

01:18:03.000 Hilary Duff is a sweet angel.

01:18:05.000 Amanda Bynes is a wild stallion. 0.97

01:18:07.000 Who's that lady? 1.00

01:18:08.000 Amanda Bynes.

01:18:09.000 What'd you say, Jamie?

01:18:10.000 She's back in the news today because I think she announced a podcast.

01:18:14.000 Oh, really?

01:18:14.000 Good!

01:18:15.000 Everyone listen to it!

01:18:16.000 Yeah.

01:18:17.000 All you have to do is throw a bong out the window.

01:18:19.000 You got Ari's vote.

01:18:20.000 Oh, she's the best.

01:18:22.000 Jim Cox!

01:18:23.000 Harry is super simple.

01:18:24.000 Who is she? 0.99

01:18:25.000 Amanda Bynes?

01:18:26.000 She was on like...

01:18:27.000 She's a Nickelodeon girl.

01:18:28.000 She was on like the witch show or something. 0.62

01:18:30.000 And she's throwing bongs out the window. 1.00

01:18:32.000 Chops in on her window and men are...

01:18:33.000 I fully support her work.

01:18:35.000 Thank you, Joe.

01:18:36.000 I knew you would.

01:18:37.000 I like what you're doing. 1.00

01:18:38.000 Yeah, those kid stars are fucked. 1.00

01:18:40.000 Yeah, but make sure it's like doesn't hit people in the head. 1.00

01:18:44.000 Is that her tattoo?

01:18:45.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:18:46.000 Is that her?

01:18:46.000 That's her now, yeah.

01:18:47.000 Ooh.

01:18:48.000 Okay.

01:18:49.000 I'm off the train.

01:18:51.000 I'm off the train.

01:18:52.000 No, you're back on, dude.

01:18:53.000 That's all in.

01:18:54.000 The nose ring, the face tattoo.

01:18:56.000 I'm like, slow down.

01:18:58.000 No, it's not.

01:19:00.000 We might want to look at different options.

01:19:06.000 I knew this was going to be a good podcast.

01:19:09.000 This is a good one.

01:19:10.000 How about George Santos?

01:19:11.000 He got expelled.

01:19:13.000 DeSantis?

01:19:14.000 George Santos.

01:19:16.000 Who is George Santos?

01:19:17.000 Moms in the Holocaust, dads in 9-11, eating the whole thing. 0.98

01:19:20.000 What?

01:19:20.000 He made up a lot of stuff and he got elected.

01:19:23.000 Oh, that guy.

01:19:24.000 Well, they like victims.

01:19:25.000 He's awesome.

01:19:27.000 In talks with federal prosecutors about possible plea deal.

01:19:33.000 He'll be on here soon.

01:19:35.000 Bro, it's so wild that crazy people can get all the way to positions of power. 0.98

01:19:39.000 Like, full-on fucking insane people. 1.00

01:19:42.000 Turns out the voter class is retarded, so... 1.00

01:19:45.000 Well, here's the thing. 1.00

01:19:46.000 If you're going for low-level stuff, like city councilmen, who the fuck is paying Who's going to say whether you lie or not? 0.99

01:19:54.000 Who's paying attention? 0.98

01:19:56.000 Well, I was actually a...

01:19:57.000 What's he saying?

01:19:58.000 He's on Cameo now.

01:19:59.000 He's on Cameo!

01:20:00.000 I want him to say happy birthday to me before my birthday.

01:20:03.000 He's got to be making a fortune.

01:20:05.000 For $300, you can get that.

01:20:07.000 Is that what it costs?

01:20:08.000 I bet.

01:20:08.000 $500.

01:20:10.000 Are you allowed to post it on Instagram?

01:20:12.000 I don't know.

01:20:12.000 Yeah, Cameo doesn't stop anyone from posting anything.

01:20:15.000 They're the worst.

01:20:16.000 That'd be a funny post.

01:20:17.000 If I only had him announce all my tour dates...

01:20:20.000 Joe is gonna be at...

01:20:23.000 Joe, I'm getting that for you.

01:20:26.000 Oh my god.

01:20:27.000 Ruined my Christmas present.

01:20:29.000 I gotta find a new one.

01:20:32.000 If you had one person that would announce every show you ever did, who would it be?

01:20:40.000 Woody Allen.

01:20:44.000 By the way, Annie...

01:20:45.000 Remind me of that after the show's over.

01:20:47.000 Annie Hall, there's a scene where the other guy, his friend goes, I had two women last night, 16-year-olds.

01:20:54.000 Pull it up.

01:20:56.000 That's great.

01:20:56.000 Really?

01:20:57.000 It's just a different time.

01:20:58.000 It wasn't even like, can you believe?

01:21:00.000 It's like they put it out as big as they could have.

01:21:02.000 Yeah, Tony Roberts.

01:21:03.000 And nobody cares.

01:21:03.000 That was his name.

01:21:04.000 Wow.

01:21:05.000 Different times.

01:21:07.000 It's crazy looking at different times. 0.99

01:21:08.000 The way slavery was accepted, the way smoking on fucking late night was like, man, whatever. 0.97

01:21:13.000 Smoking is now like a label. 0.99

01:21:16.000 Like, hey, watch out there's smoking in this movie.

01:21:18.000 Wow. 0.99

01:21:18.000 Not even anal, just smoking. 0.99

01:21:22.000 You not even anal. 0.99

01:21:25.000 Cameo is a good question. 0.99

01:21:27.000 What do you mean?

01:21:28.000 Who would you pick?

01:21:29.000 Who would you pick?

01:21:30.000 For what?

01:21:31.000 Or like all time?

01:21:33.000 O.J. Simpson.

01:21:34.000 O.J.? You do Donald.

01:21:38.000 I mean, if I could get Trump.

01:21:40.000 If you get Trump for a thousand bucks a date.

01:21:44.000 You would do it.

01:21:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:21:45.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:21:46.000 Shane's rich, bro.

01:21:46.000 It would pay for itself.

01:21:48.000 What'd you say?

01:21:49.000 You'd go straight to arenas.

01:21:50.000 Shane's rich?

01:21:51.000 He could get a thousand to show.

01:21:53.000 I'm not rich. 1.00

01:21:53.000 Bitch, you drove here. 1.00

01:21:54.000 You're a thousand to show rich. 1.00

01:21:55.000 Listen to me, Shane. 1.00

01:21:56.000 I'm rich as fuck. 1.00

01:21:57.000 You drove here in a fucking Mercedes. 1.00

01:21:59.000 I didn't think I was going to make any money, but I thought I was definitely going to be a dead, retarded guy. 1.00

01:22:04.000 Well, you got like a hot mom car. 0.93

01:22:08.000 That's a nice car.

01:22:09.000 Nice car.

01:22:10.000 What are you talking about?

01:22:12.000 The white Benz.

01:22:13.000 No, that's a dude.

01:22:15.000 He's got a Dodge Caravan.

01:22:16.000 Thank you, Joseph.

01:22:18.000 That's a dude.

01:22:19.000 Listen, tell him about our test drive.

01:22:23.000 Tell him about our test drive.

01:22:26.000 Hold on a second, Mark Garmin. 1.00

01:22:28.000 Shane Gillis, I came to your fucking house and I took you to the Mercedes dealership. 1.00

01:22:33.000 Really? 1.00

01:22:34.000 Tell... 0.99

01:22:35.000 Hell about my test drive with you! 0.71

01:22:38.000 I would have literally never bought a nice car.

01:22:41.000 What'd you do, Joe?

01:22:42.000 Open it up? 0.99

01:22:42.000 Joe has literally, every single thing I do, I need Joe Rogan going, do it, bitch. 0.99

01:22:50.000 Otherwise, I'll never do it. 0.99

01:22:54.000 Actually, I need Joe to see my fucking closet in my house. 0.99

01:22:57.000 That's a nice closet. 0.99

01:22:59.000 With your only six pairs of sneakers?

01:23:01.000 No, no, I have nothing.

01:23:02.000 I have like two pairs of sneakers.

01:23:04.000 Yeah, but that's what's important.

01:23:06.000 I need you going.

01:23:06.000 What's important was like, you were telling me, I'm thinking of getting a nice car.

01:23:11.000 I go, let's get you a nice car.

01:23:12.000 I get a nice car.

01:23:13.000 He goes, you go with me? 1.00

01:23:14.000 I go, fuck yeah, I'll go with you. 0.99

01:23:16.000 And so I know a lot about Mercedes. 0.99

01:23:18.000 I love them.

01:23:19.000 I don't even own one.

01:23:20.000 Yeah, I've never gotten one.

01:23:22.000 I'm just a giant fan of engineering.

01:23:24.000 It's a great car. 1.00

01:23:25.000 And I'm like, dude, that S-Class is the shit. 1.00

01:23:27.000 S-Class is nice. 1.00

01:23:29.000 It's the shit. 1.00

01:23:30.000 Because it's fast enough. 1.00

01:23:32.000 What do you want, a fucking racetrack? 1.00

01:23:34.000 It's fast enough. 1.00

01:23:35.000 And it's this luxurious...

01:23:38.000 I could see when you pulled onto the highway, it was like, the pickup was great.

01:23:43.000 You're traversing through these lanes in a lap of luxury. 1.00

01:23:50.000 These fucking New York guys. 1.00

01:23:52.000 These New York guys these days. 1.00

01:23:55.000 No place to charge your phone.

01:23:56.000 I know, I'm joking.

01:23:58.000 I'm joking. 1.00

01:23:59.000 But I will say you guys are fucking complete losers. 1.00

01:24:03.000 I got a Beamer. 1.00

01:24:04.000 Yeah, I bet you do.

01:24:06.000 I got a city bike rental.

01:24:07.000 I have an old Beamer.

01:24:08.000 I got a year-long city bike rental.

01:24:10.000 I knew as much or more about that car. 1.00

01:24:12.000 I knew as much or more about that car than the fucking dude who was selling it to you. 0.99

01:24:16.000 But I was like, dude, you gotta tell him how fun this is to own it. 1.00

01:24:20.000 He didn't know shit. 1.00

01:24:21.000 He didn't know shit. 1.00

01:24:22.000 I was telling him, I'm like, dude, this has four-wheel steering. 0.99

01:24:26.000 Let's go!

01:24:27.000 Dude, Joe took me in his Porsche once, and he was just like, let me open it up. 0.98

01:24:31.000 We just went on the fucking 101. It wasn't even like a test track. 0.96

01:24:35.000 And he's like, let's go.

01:24:36.000 And I got to the point, I was like, hey, Joe, Joe, I'm actually pretty frightened.

01:24:39.000 You gotta slow it down.

01:24:40.000 Did you see the super truck beat that Porsche?

01:24:43.000 What?

01:24:43.000 You didn't know.

01:24:43.000 What?

01:24:44.000 Yeah, yeah, the Cybertruck.

01:24:45.000 Cybertruck, sorry.

01:24:46.000 Yeah, that was crazy.

01:24:47.000 Towing a Porsche beat a Porsche in a drag race.

01:24:51.000 In a big-ass truck.

01:24:53.000 A 2023 Porsche 911. Pull it up.

01:24:56.000 And then you have a Cybertruck towing the same car and beats it in a race.

01:25:01.000 Look at this.

01:25:01.000 What?

01:25:02.000 So it beats it in a drag race. 0.99

01:25:05.000 It's fucking towing a car! 0.99

01:25:08.000 That can't be real. 1.00

01:25:10.000 That's real.

01:25:10.000 It's 100% real.

01:25:10.000 That's real, baby.

01:25:12.000 Listen to me, man.

01:25:13.000 The fastest car I own.

01:25:15.000 The fastest car I own.

01:25:18.000 This is the ultimate commercial.

01:25:21.000 And by the way, if it wasn't towing that Porsche, it wouldn't even be close.

01:25:24.000 Right.

01:25:25.000 That thing gets to zero to 60 in like under three seconds, and it's 7,000 pounds.

01:25:30.000 It's immediately at 100%.

01:25:32.000 Immediately.

01:25:33.000 It's also, it doesn't have gears.

01:25:36.000 It doesn't have gears.

01:25:37.000 Yeah, there's no shift.

01:25:37.000 This is Leah Thomas.

01:25:38.000 This is Leah Thomas.

01:25:39.000 Ah!

01:25:40.000 That's the breaststroke, Leah Thomas.

01:25:42.000 It's not even close.

01:25:44.000 It's not even close.

01:25:45.000 Leah Thomas could carry a woman behind her and still win the gold medal. 1.00

01:25:50.000 I know a lot about regular cars.

01:25:52.000 Like regular combustion engine cars.

01:25:55.000 There's only one car that can beat that in a drag race.

01:25:57.000 And that's the Dodge Demon.

01:25:59.000 There's a new Dodge Demon.

01:26:01.000 What is it, the 170?

01:26:02.000 I don't know the Dodge Demon.

01:26:03.000 There's a new Dodge Demon that has over a thousand... 0.99

01:26:06.000 You could buy it from a fucking Dodge dealership. 1.00

01:26:09.000 It has over a thousand horsepower. 1.00

01:26:11.000 It goes zero to 60 in 1.6 seconds.

01:26:16.000 What?

01:26:16.000 It's the fastest car that's ever been made.

01:26:20.000 Look at this fucking thing. 1.00

01:26:22.000 Challenges fucking rule. 1.00

01:26:24.000 Dude, this thing is insane. 1.00

01:26:27.000 This car is insane.

01:26:30.000 Zero to 60 is what?

01:26:32.000 1.66 seconds!

01:26:35.000 Zero to 60!

01:26:37.000 Crazy.

01:26:38.000 From a factory!

01:26:40.000 1,025 horsepower.

01:26:44.000 It's the only thing faster than a Tesla. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Well, look at it off the fucking wheels. 1.00

01:26:47.000 Bro, it gets wheelies. 1.00

01:26:49.000 It's moving like Bandit does.

01:26:52.000 Like back legs only for like three steps. 1.00

01:26:54.000 It's like a fucking terrier. 1.00

01:26:57.000 It's like a little terrier. 1.00

01:27:00.000 No, dude, you've changed.

01:27:01.000 Nice, Mark.

01:27:03.000 Welcome to the world.

01:27:05.000 What is he peeing?

01:27:06.000 I didn't know I missed the video.

01:27:08.000 Mark and I are supposed to be in Memphis the same day.

01:27:10.000 Come check out one of the two of us.

01:27:11.000 What is the bottle he's peeing in so I know not to drink out of it?

01:27:13.000 Water.

01:27:14.000 A water bottle.

01:27:15.000 No, no, no, like the water jug.

01:27:18.000 The jug?

01:27:19.000 Gotta use that.

01:27:21.000 What jug?

01:27:22.000 Did you drink all the water?

01:27:23.000 Is there water in it before you pissed in it?

01:27:25.000 I drank all of it.

01:27:26.000 Now we need a new one.

01:27:28.000 Oh, that's...

01:27:29.000 Mark, you can't piss in the thing we drink water out of.

01:27:32.000 Mark's not cool.

01:27:33.000 Don't listen to him.

01:27:34.000 It is cool.

01:27:36.000 Sorry.

01:27:38.000 Corrects it.

01:27:40.000 Oh, sorry.

01:27:41.000 What if I have a scientist in tomorrow?

01:27:44.000 And I'm like, we'll play some water.

01:27:46.000 We've done a really good job of scrubbing all the piss out of it.

01:27:50.000 You might want to get a new one.

01:27:52.000 How do you have time?

01:27:54.000 He's still going. 1.00

01:27:56.000 Mark, I didn't know you had a tiny penis. 1.00

01:27:58.000 I see it right now. 1.00

01:28:00.000 You see, this is a detrimental effect. 1.00

01:28:03.000 Mark has a tiny penis. 1.00

01:28:06.000 The detrimental effects of rude actions in society. 1.00

01:28:09.000 I'm feeling this.

01:28:10.000 It's a trickle down.

01:28:12.000 Do that.

01:28:13.000 The old wizard Shafir, he cast the spell on the young Jew. 1.00

01:28:18.000 Nice, Mark.

01:28:18.000 You filled it up, bro.

01:28:20.000 That was full.

01:28:20.000 Wow.

01:28:21.000 Let me see what that is.

01:28:22.000 Reusable.

01:28:23.000 Don't touch that.

01:28:24.000 That's insane.

01:28:25.000 There is no way.

01:28:25.000 There was water in there.

01:28:26.000 There was water in there.

01:28:27.000 There was no water.

01:28:28.000 There was water. 1.00

01:28:30.000 Dude, fuck off. 1.00

01:28:32.000 Hold it up to that. 1.00

01:28:34.000 I can piss.

01:28:35.000 That's not the same.

01:28:36.000 No way.

01:28:37.000 That's way wise. 1.00

01:28:38.000 You're a liar. 1.00

01:28:38.000 I chugged all the water. 1.00

01:28:41.000 Hold on.

01:28:42.000 The bottom's warm.

01:28:43.000 The bottom's warm?

01:28:44.000 The bottom's warm.

01:28:45.000 Wow.

01:28:46.000 The bottom's warm.

01:28:47.000 The middle's warm.

01:28:48.000 The top's warm. 0.78

01:28:48.000 What a urethra. 0.78

01:28:49.000 I can piss. 0.99

01:28:50.000 I was a bed wetter. 0.81

01:28:51.000 Jamie, can you see this? 0.87

01:28:53.000 It's disgusting.

01:28:54.000 Can you see it though?

01:28:55.000 Not really.

01:28:56.000 Is there any way?

01:28:57.000 Where can I bring it?

01:28:58.000 Right to that camera.

01:28:59.000 Right to that camera.

01:29:01.000 You have to tip it.

01:29:02.000 Tip it right out at that camera.

01:29:04.000 Why?

01:29:05.000 I piss.

01:29:05.000 I could have gone more.

01:29:07.000 I'm higher.

01:29:08.000 Oh, there it is.

01:29:09.000 Higher?

01:29:10.000 Higher?

01:29:10.000 Higher?

01:29:11.000 Higher?

01:29:11.000 This is a new level.

01:29:12.000 No, no, not bad. 0.97

01:29:14.000 He's going to make you drop the piss. 0.56

01:29:18.000 You can't see it. 0.92

01:29:19.000 That's all piss.

01:29:20.000 I swear to God, I emptied it. 0.90

01:29:22.000 This is here. 1.00

01:29:23.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:29:41.000 He's being pulled in so many directions right now This might be the best protect our parks of all time. 0.99

01:29:59.000 Are we on number 10?

01:30:01.000 It's a holiday spectacular. 0.99

01:30:03.000 We fucking did it. 1.00

01:30:05.000 I think we brought America back. 1.00

01:30:08.000 We were on the break, but I think we brought it back.

01:30:12.000 We've been holding that since 2. Oh my god.

01:30:15.000 That pierce is extraordinary.

01:30:17.000 Get a new metal pitcher, because that thing's ruined.

01:30:23.000 I'm going to drink out of that tomorrow.

01:30:25.000 Yeah, just wash it out.

01:30:27.000 Just wash it out.

01:30:28.000 Dude, I was sick last week. 0.78

01:30:29.000 I'm not scared to piss. 0.52

01:30:30.000 I was sick last week.

01:30:30.000 I came down and I just...

01:30:32.000 My chick was like, can I drink out of that bottle? 0.75

01:30:36.000 And I was like, um, yeah.

01:30:38.000 She was like, you can.

01:30:39.000 She was like, I'm joking.

01:30:41.000 I saw how yellow it was.

01:30:44.000 Oh my god.

01:30:45.000 When I was a kid, our plumbing went out for like a week, so we had to pee and stuff.

01:30:49.000 And I peed in a cup and put it on the counter.

01:30:52.000 I was like nine.

01:30:53.000 And my dad drank it.

01:30:55.000 And I've never seen him more angry.

01:30:57.000 He took my own piss down.

01:30:59.000 He thought it was like apple juice or something.

01:31:01.000 Yeah.

01:31:02.000 Oh, that's a college thing.

01:31:03.000 It was bad.

01:31:05.000 He flipped out on me. 0.99

01:31:06.000 That's a frat thing where people are like 18, like, oh, it's beer, and they just fucking go for it. 0.99

01:31:10.000 Have you tasted piss? 0.99

01:31:12.000 It's a wild taste.

01:31:14.000 It tastes like nothing you've ever tasted.

01:31:16.000 What's your favorite kind of piss? 0.83

01:31:18.000 Do you have hydrated piss? 0.99

01:31:20.000 That's the worst guy. 0.93

01:31:21.000 Ultra runner piss? 0.99

01:31:22.000 The more yellow or orange, the worse. 0.77

01:31:24.000 Swimmer piss? 1.00

01:31:25.000 But there's some bad piss out there. 0.98

01:31:28.000 Well, that brings us back to squirting. 0.91

01:31:30.000 Let's go full circle.

01:31:32.000 Full squirt. 0.97

01:31:33.000 I don't believe it's piss.

01:31:34.000 What piss goes out like that in a quick matter?

01:31:37.000 It's like a rooster tail.

01:31:38.000 All piss.

01:31:39.000 All piss, Ari. 1.00

01:31:39.000 All piss. 1.00

01:31:41.000 If a woman just lies down and pisses, it squirts out. 1.00

01:31:44.000 You know how male dogs have two fucking urinal cakes? 1.00

01:31:47.000 No. 1.00

01:31:48.000 One is for pissing and one is for marking territory. 0.93

01:31:50.000 I'm saying squirting is that second kind of urine. 0.64

01:31:53.000 Interesting. 0.82

01:31:54.000 I've tasted it.

01:31:55.000 It ain't piss.

01:31:56.000 It's got no smell. 1.00

01:31:57.000 It's just a fucking clear gel. 0.99

01:32:00.000 Clear piss. 1.00

01:32:01.000 Clear.

01:32:02.000 Yeah.

01:32:03.000 It's just water.

01:32:05.000 It's pretty much clear.

01:32:06.000 Well, the thing about urine is, like, the more uric acid is in it, the more vitamins are in it, the more dehydrated you are, the more it's going to smell, asparagus, all the different things, the elements that could lead.

01:32:19.000 I'm a piss expert, bro.

01:32:20.000 I went to piss.

01:32:21.000 I have a master's in pissology.

01:32:27.000 I just know that regular piss doesn't even smell bad.

01:32:30.000 Piss HD. If you're really hydrated.

01:32:35.000 Because it's water.

01:32:37.000 It's when you're not that it's a problem.

01:32:39.000 It's when you're not hydrated.

01:32:40.000 It's all bad.

01:32:42.000 So if you have a really well hydrated lady who pisses in your mouth like, what's the big deal? 1.00

01:32:48.000 But you gotta be really hydrated.

01:32:50.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:32:51.000 But what's the big deal? 0.99

01:32:52.000 Who gives a shit? 0.99

01:32:53.000 What's the big deal? 1.00

01:32:53.000 Are you scared of period blood? 1.00

01:32:55.000 Are you really scared of period blood?

01:32:57.000 Dude, it's a power move to go, ah, my period. 0.99

01:32:59.000 I don't fucking care. 0.99

01:33:01.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:33:01.000 It's also honest. 0.98

01:33:03.000 Like, who gives a fuck? 0.99

01:33:05.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:33:05.000 It's all moisture. 1.00

01:33:06.000 It's all moisture.

01:33:07.000 I'll wipe my mouth off this week.

01:33:09.000 I'm so not scared of blood.

01:33:10.000 Oh, you're talking about going down on it?

01:33:12.000 Yeah, dude.

01:33:12.000 Yeah, let's go.

01:33:13.000 That's impressive.

01:33:14.000 Red wing pilot.

01:33:15.000 Please stay up top.

01:33:16.000 You stay on the top shelf of the vaginal. 1.00

01:33:18.000 Nah, you just let it all happen.

01:33:20.000 You put a towel down. 1.00

01:33:23.000 Nah, you fucking get your tongue in there. 1.00

01:33:27.000 Guys, do that. 1.00

01:33:29.000 The thing of a Hanukkah is an oak. 0.99

01:33:30.000 Oh shit, Ari's up and at him. 1.00

01:33:34.000 Oh, he's gone. 1.00

01:33:35.000 He's not going to kill Tony.

01:33:37.000 He's going to fall asleep.

01:33:42.000 Luke Combs did at the end.

01:33:44.000 Oh man, that was quite a spit.

01:33:49.000 Jesus.

01:33:50.000 I forgive you.

01:33:52.000 Like Christ. 0.60

01:33:54.000 Even though you guys killed him.

01:33:55.000 I forgive you like Christ!

01:33:57.000 Welcome to our religion.

01:33:59.000 We forgive.

01:34:00.000 We forgive, dude.

01:34:01.000 We forgive.

01:34:02.000 Listen, if there's any one message we can take out of this podcast and project to the rest of the world is that You can have as much fun as we're having.

01:34:10.000 You can have as much fun. 0.99

01:34:12.000 You can have to be inside of anger and fucking, look what that guy did! 1.00

01:34:15.000 Or you can be like, oh, that guy's cool. 0.99

01:34:16.000 Or you can be four dudes just having a good time.

01:34:20.000 And then you can operate motor vehicles.

01:34:23.000 We're going to have to hire people tonight.

01:34:26.000 Drink and drive, everybody.

01:34:28.000 What's really important about the future of the world? 1.00

01:34:30.000 Mark, don't be a pussy for once in your life. 1.00

01:34:33.000 Hey Mark, instead of every day in your life where you're a pussy, should you not be a pussy? 1.00

01:34:36.000 Hold on. 1.00

01:34:38.000 Let's inspire him with some Mariah Carey.

01:34:41.000 Please.

01:34:42.000 Give me some Mariah Carey. 1.00

01:34:44.000 Let's mix it up.

01:34:46.000 We haven't done...

01:34:47.000 We haven't done the Beatles.

01:34:50.000 We haven't done...

01:34:52.000 Paul McCartney has a Christmas song?

01:34:54.000 Oh, it's a great one.

01:34:55.000 Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

01:34:59.000 Let's do it.

01:34:59.000 Let's do it.

01:35:00.000 I need the tune.

01:35:03.000 How about Elton John wearing sequins for Christmas?

01:35:06.000 Well, let's do that, then.

01:35:07.000 Never heard of it.

01:35:08.000 That's better.

01:35:09.000 We can get with some LBGTQ. I don't want to get AIDS. AI Plus. 1.00

01:35:13.000 Guys, I'll be honest with you.

01:35:14.000 That's a song I made up just now.

01:35:16.000 Yeah.

01:35:16.000 I never heard that one.

01:35:17.000 You got me.

01:35:18.000 I was ready to write a substack on that.

01:35:24.000 Jewish propaganda.

01:35:25.000 I was ready to start tweeting.

01:35:26.000 I was ready to start tweeting.

01:35:28.000 Oh, all right, all right.

01:35:32.000 J-Mo, this is not what we needed, dude.

01:35:34.000 J-Mo, squirrels.

01:35:37.000 J-Mo's always a saboteur.

01:35:43.000 Chug to this, dude.

01:35:44.000 I don't love it.

01:35:45.000 This is going to become your favorite song.

01:35:47.000 Obviously.

01:35:47.000 Give me some volume.

01:35:48.000 It's Elton John's.

01:35:49.000 It's not going to not be good. 0.99

01:35:51.000 Elton John's a killer. 1.00

01:35:52.000 Elton John is a fucking man. 1.00

01:35:54.000 He was so good, people were like, nah, he's not gay. 1.00

01:35:56.000 Give me Freddie Mercury.

01:35:57.000 Freddie Mercury, people are like, no way.

01:36:00.000 Nobody.

01:36:02.000 Nobody beats Liberace.

01:36:04.000 Liberace was so wild, he had his boyfriend get surgery to lose his head.

01:36:09.000 AI cover.

01:36:09.000 No, no, no.

01:36:10.000 Don't allow this.

01:36:11.000 AI cover.

01:36:12.000 What do you mean?

01:36:15.000 Jamie, if you don't play Paul McCartney, not AI cover.

01:36:20.000 Hold on a second, please.

01:36:22.000 Everyone's talking.

01:36:22.000 What is AI? Which one?

01:36:24.000 What do you mean, what is AI? No, which video that we just saw is AI. Freddie Mercury singing was not real.

01:36:29.000 Oh, back up.

01:36:30.000 Back up.

01:36:30.000 Let's see it.

01:36:31.000 Let's see what the fuck they did with AI. Why are you making decisions here? 0.97

01:36:35.000 Play that. 0.99

01:36:36.000 I want to hear what the fuck they did. 1.00

01:36:38.000 They're gonna nail it! 0.99

01:36:46.000 It's actually pretty good.

01:36:49.000 Of course it is!

01:36:50.000 They do it better than us!

01:37:04.000 It's not giving it to me.

01:37:05.000 Wait for it.

01:37:06.000 Wait for the drop.

01:37:09.000 Just empty your mind, Grouse Hopper.

01:37:12.000 Shotgun that. 0.89

01:37:13.000 Finish that, boy. 0.64

01:37:14.000 I need the right...

01:37:16.000 Here it is.

01:37:16.000 Right here.

01:37:16.000 Right here.

01:37:17.000 Stop being a coward. 1.00

01:37:20.000 Did you drink any of that? 1.00

01:37:21.000 He's about to.

01:37:22.000 He's about to. 1.00

01:37:23.000 Give me that pussy. 1.00

01:37:25.000 He's about to. 1.00

01:37:26.000 That was my cue.

01:37:28.000 Mark, you do this every time.

01:37:30.000 Thank you, Joseph, for being a Patriot.

01:37:32.000 That was fast.

01:37:34.000 That was fast.

01:37:34.000 Joseph Patriot.

01:37:35.000 That's why he does some.

01:37:36.000 Keep it going.

01:37:37.000 We're right in the hole there.

01:37:39.000 Oh, they got a Michael Jackson one.

01:37:41.000 Ooh.

01:37:42.000 Yes.

01:37:43.000 Come on, man.

01:37:44.000 This is for Santa and the troops.

01:37:45.000 He's cute.

01:37:47.000 Think about Santa.

01:37:48.000 Hurry up.

01:37:49.000 Go! 0.95

01:37:50.000 Wait for the hook.

01:37:52.000 Wait for her, Mark.

01:38:01.000 I don't want a lot for Christmas.

01:38:03.000 There is just one thing I need.

01:38:06.000 It's so cold.

01:38:08.000 It's so cold.

01:38:10.000 No, it's fun.

01:38:13.000 Look at that guy.

01:38:15.000 Tony Hinchcliffe had the best Michael Jackson joke of all time.

01:38:19.000 Let's hear it.

01:38:19.000 Michael Jackson was...

01:38:22.000 Keep it going. 0.98

01:38:22.000 If Michael Jackson is gay, then so am I. You think he's gay? 0.98

01:38:33.000 No. 1.00

01:38:33.000 He goes, Michael Jackson was so good that when Beat It comes on, you're like, I don't give a fuck about those kids. 1.00

01:38:41.000 It was that good. 0.94

01:38:42.000 They still play his music.

01:38:44.000 If he had a vote, a worldwide vote, what are the odds that he was a pedophile?

01:38:49.000 He's dead.

01:38:50.000 I'm above 50%.

01:38:52.000 Above 50%.

01:38:53.000 Easily above.

01:38:53.000 Pedophiles are talented.

01:38:55.000 But dude, those songs are so good.

01:38:57.000 He was so good. 0.99

01:38:59.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:39:00.000 He was so good. 0.99

01:39:01.000 I'll be honest, dude. 0.96

01:39:02.000 I don't know how many boys' butts he fucking ruined, but I bet it was worth it when it comes to how good the music was. 0.99

01:39:07.000 Dude, I think he was chemically castrated. 0.99

01:39:10.000 I think he was chemically castrated.

01:39:13.000 That's what his doctor said.

01:39:14.000 The doctor that went to jail for killing him.

01:39:20.000 The doctor who gave him propanol, the doctor who gave him anesthesia and put him under and he went up dying.

01:39:26.000 That doctor went to jail.

01:39:28.000 Probably McCartney, bro. 1.00

01:39:30.000 You've been such a bastard today. 1.00

01:39:33.000 Here we go. 1.00

01:39:34.000 You've been so nasty. 0.94

01:39:35.000 This is a good tune. 0.78

01:39:37.000 Can we get DMX? Hold on.

01:39:39.000 Pause.

01:39:40.000 We'll do DMX next.

01:39:42.000 Let me get this one.

01:39:43.000 Okay, get that in there.

01:39:47.000 Hold on.

01:39:49.000 Having a wonderful Christmas time.

01:39:52.000 This is a great tune.

01:39:54.000 He made it his own.

01:39:56.000 That's the key.

01:39:59.000 Shane!

01:39:59.000 I'm gonna be...

01:40:01.000 I'm struggling to walk.

01:40:03.000 Bro, Shane. 0.99

01:40:04.000 Bro, Kill Tony's gonna be a disaster. 0.99

01:40:08.000 It's gonna be a disaster. 0.92

01:40:10.000 I'm gonna be like Mitch McConnell up there.

01:40:12.000 I wanna see this DMX. We're gonna let these motherfuckers know. 1.00

01:40:17.000 Alright, here we go. 1.00

01:40:19.000 I don't know this one.

01:40:21.000 He's trying to visit his grandmother in the hospital.

01:40:23.000 They're like, do a song first.

01:40:24.000 Really?

01:40:25.000 No.

01:40:30.000 In real life, it talks like Gilbert Gottfried.

01:40:35.000 Where is he?

01:40:36.000 He's gone.

01:40:40.000 Yeah, J-Mo.

01:40:41.000 Come on.

01:40:42.000 He's gotta edit this.

01:40:44.000 This is nine years old. 1.00

01:40:45.000 Nah, fuck J-Mo. 1.00

01:40:51.000 Good job. 1.00

01:40:59.000 Good job.

01:41:07.000 Forever.

01:41:08.000 Are there Jewish Hanukkah songs?

01:41:12.000 Do you have Netanyahu doing a thing?

01:41:14.000 Yeah, what's the guy's name?

01:41:16.000 When Anderson Silva was in his prime, and he was about to fight, he would come out to DMX. He knows sunshine when she's gone.

01:41:27.000 Boom, boom, boom. 0.99

01:41:30.000 And the fucking lights would come on, and we'd see Anderson walking into the ring. 0.99

01:41:34.000 He'd be like, oh my god, someone's about to get executed. 1.00

01:41:37.000 Watch this.

01:41:38.000 Put that up there. 1.00

01:41:39.000 Watch this shit. 1.00

01:41:40.000 When Anderson Silva comes under the octagon, it's like his mouth just pissing on top. 1.00

01:41:43.000 Dude, you gotta realize this is like when Anderson Silva was in the Matrix.

01:41:50.000 He was the number one.

01:41:52.000 He's in the argument in my mind as one of the best ever.

01:41:57.000 Pound for pound.

01:41:58.000 Come on.

01:42:02.000 What year?

01:42:03.000 The music comes out.

01:42:04.000 I might have been out of this one.

01:42:10.000 Is that Bill Withers?

01:42:13.000 Yeah.

01:42:13.000 Yeah.

01:42:14.000 Exactly.

01:42:16.000 He's a Brazilian guy.

01:42:18.000 Bill Withers?

01:42:20.000 Silva.

01:42:21.000 Oh, of course.

01:42:21.000 Yeah.

01:42:24.000 I was like, are you teaching me something?

01:42:26.000 Yeah.

01:42:27.000 Yeah.

01:42:28.000 And he'd walk out there, but everybody was like, oh my god, someone's gonna get nuked.

01:42:34.000 What's so crazy about fighting is, like, Israel Asanya beat him up, and then Sean Strickland...

01:42:41.000 Well, Israel Asanya decisioned him.

01:42:44.000 Barely.

01:42:45.000 He decisioned him.

01:42:46.000 No, he decisioned him.

01:42:47.000 I thought he won that one.

01:42:48.000 Listen, it was good.

01:42:49.000 It was a really good fight, but Israel was better. 1.00

01:42:51.000 He was younger, he was better, he was more efficient.

01:42:54.000 Yeah.

01:42:54.000 I wouldn't say beat him up.

01:42:55.000 But that was his hero.

01:42:57.000 100%.

01:42:57.000 That's the crazy part.

01:42:58.000 Everybody's here.

01:42:59.000 Anderson just fought too long.

01:43:01.000 But if he didn't fight too long, he'd be no questions asked.

01:43:04.000 The guy.

01:43:04.000 They all do, brother.

01:43:05.000 They all do.

01:43:06.000 It's Christmas.

01:43:06.000 After he broke his leg.

01:43:08.000 It's Christmas.

01:43:08.000 Shane's right.

01:43:08.000 It's Christmas.

01:43:09.000 The leg break.

01:43:10.000 The leg break was the thing.

01:43:10.000 The leg break was it.

01:43:12.000 Ari, why don't you come out with me and pee? 1.00

01:43:13.000 I'm gonna pee.

01:43:14.000 What are you pouring out water for?

01:43:16.000 No, no, no.

01:43:16.000 No, no, no.

01:43:17.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:43:18.000 Then now it's just me and Mark. 1.00

01:43:19.000 All right, all right, all right.

01:43:21.000 No good?

01:43:23.000 We can have fun.

01:43:24.000 I bet we can. 1.00

01:43:25.000 This motherfucker I didn't know we could go pee like that. 1.00

01:43:28.000 I just ruined that picture. 1.00

01:43:30.000 You can pee whenever you want.

01:43:31.000 Yeah, I don't want to leave.

01:43:33.000 No, it's good.

01:43:35.000 What are you thinking about?

01:43:36.000 Well, we're the only people who like Napoleon.

01:43:39.000 It got horrible reviews.

01:43:41.000 I love Napoleon.

01:43:42.000 I loved it.

01:43:44.000 Thought it was good.

01:43:46.000 Ridley Scott still got it, 85. Ridley Scott, he's my favorite.

01:43:51.000 He's good.

01:43:53.000 Gladiator?

01:43:53.000 Yeah.

01:43:55.000 Ooh, when Napoleon...

01:43:57.000 It's a true quote.

01:43:58.000 The part where he says, I found the crown in the gutter and I picked it up with my sword and put it on my own head.

01:44:04.000 Yeah! 0.99

01:44:05.000 I mean, god damn, if you don't like that. 0.99

01:44:07.000 Real quote. 0.99

01:44:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:09.000 And the part, you know when him and his dumbass brother are in there and, like, Congress is beating their ass? 1.00

01:44:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:15.000 And throw him outside and his brother, like, points a sword at him and he goes, if Napoleon's lying, I'll kill him. 1.00

01:44:21.000 And they both look at each other like... 0.97

01:44:23.000 Yeah.

01:44:25.000 It's true.

01:44:26.000 Oh, really?

01:44:27.000 I mean, the quote's true.

01:44:28.000 And that's probably how they...

01:44:30.000 I mean, they're humans.

01:44:32.000 Yeah.

01:44:32.000 It's probably how they actually did it.

01:44:34.000 Probably. 1.00

01:44:35.000 It was like, oh, shit. 1.00

01:44:36.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:44:36.000 Yeah, fuck it. 1.00

01:44:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:38.000 Yeah.

01:44:39.000 They gave a lot of attention to the wife. 1.00

01:44:41.000 Josephine.

01:44:42.000 Josephine.

01:44:43.000 But I guess he was obsessed with her.

01:44:45.000 Yeah, I mean, that was his babe, dude.

01:44:47.000 And that was his last words.

01:44:48.000 But the book I read said, and read, I mean, listen.

01:44:55.000 Audio.

01:44:55.000 Yeah.

01:44:56.000 I'm not pretending to be smart.

01:44:59.000 That counts. 1.00

01:45:01.000 They said all the, like, cuck shit. 1.00

01:45:04.000 That was a lot of British propaganda. 1.00

01:45:08.000 Oh, really?

01:45:10.000 Yeah.

01:45:10.000 Also, all the height stuff.

01:45:12.000 He's got Napoleon syndrome.

01:45:14.000 Like, everyone was that tall.

01:45:16.000 Yeah, he was that tall.

01:45:17.000 And then he was always around grenadiers, who were all French grenadiers at the time, were all the big dogs.

01:45:22.000 Yeah.

01:45:23.000 So he was an average height, surrounded by, yeah, whatever.

01:45:26.000 He's not gonna see this movie.

01:45:28.000 Alright.

01:45:29.000 What's your guys' favorite Christmas gift?

01:45:32.000 Also, how's the new material coming?

01:45:34.000 Because you put the special out, and now you're back on the road.

01:45:37.000 I just want to talk about how it's pissed.

01:45:39.000 Not good.

01:45:40.000 Really?

01:45:40.000 No, it's fine.

01:45:42.000 Well, it's hard.

01:45:43.000 You put out a special, you work on this.

01:45:45.000 It's hard.

01:45:45.000 It's always fun.

01:45:46.000 The new shit is very funny. 1.00

01:45:48.000 All right. 0.99

01:45:49.000 Thank you.

01:45:49.000 It's very, very funny.

01:45:50.000 I was howling the other night.

01:45:52.000 It was very, very funny.

01:45:53.000 Thank you, Joe. 0.99

01:45:53.000 It is interesting where you're like, hey, fuck, I don't know what to do. 0.99

01:45:56.000 And then you're like, oh, right. 0.99

01:45:57.000 Shane, Mark, Joe, everybody's like, oh, I'm actually a really good comic.

01:46:01.000 Yeah, you know what it is?

01:46:02.000 If you don't have that fucking weird thing where you're like, I don't know what I'm going to talk about next. 0.88

01:46:08.000 It's the best feeling in the world. 0.98

01:46:10.000 It's the best feeling.

01:46:10.000 And then you have a joke.

01:46:12.000 Yeah, you don't want to feel...

01:46:14.000 It's like you haven't been cold plunging with Shane and I. You don't know what it's like.

01:46:20.000 You don't know what it's like to suffer. 1.00

01:46:23.000 I do love, for real, when it comes to stand-up, the best feeling is, oh, fuck. 1.00

01:46:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:29.000 How's this gonna go?

01:46:30.000 Right!

01:46:31.000 You know?

01:46:32.000 There's a weird moment where you're like, I'm about to do a new bit.

01:46:35.000 Should I do it?

01:46:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:36.000 Should I pussy out? 0.99

01:46:37.000 That is nice. 1.00

01:46:37.000 Yeah, but then you're like, the failure is doing an old bit. 1.00

01:46:40.000 Now, the worst part is, while you're up there and you're like, I'm not doing good.

01:46:46.000 I gotta do good.

01:46:48.000 Here's this next joke that I know is good.

01:46:50.000 And you don't have anything else. 1.00

01:46:52.000 They're like, oh shit. 0.99

01:46:54.000 If you guys didn't like that one, get ready. 1.00

01:46:56.000 Get ready for another shitty one. 1.00

01:46:58.000 There's nothing but shit. 1.00

01:46:59.000 Oh, we like this guy. 1.00

01:47:01.000 He's good.

01:47:01.000 And you have nothing.

01:47:03.000 And they're like, oh, maybe he's not good.

01:47:06.000 Here's the thing that's real about that.

01:47:08.000 If you think it's nothing, they think it's nothing.

01:47:11.000 What do you mean nothing?

01:47:12.000 If you think it's nothing, like what you're talking about is nonsense, it's nothing to them too.

01:47:17.000 But if you're really genuinely engaged in what you're talking about, you could talk about almost anything.

01:47:24.000 And it's just like a numbers thing.

01:47:27.000 You have to be closer enough to that frequency when you connect with the whole crowd with the least amount of resistance.

01:47:36.000 Where they're all on your side.

01:47:38.000 Well, you're engaged with them.

01:47:40.000 You're engaged with them.

01:47:41.000 They know this is a good faith show.

01:47:44.000 You're trying to find out what's funny.

01:47:45.000 And you're not terrified.

01:47:48.000 You're engaged.

01:47:49.000 And you're all locked in together.

01:47:51.000 But that's why it's a numbers thing, too.

01:47:54.000 You can't do that with more than 400 people.

01:47:57.000 You get to like 400, 500, 600, there's too many people.

01:48:01.000 Right.

01:48:01.000 You don't lock them in.

01:48:02.000 Too many people.

01:48:02.000 That's kind of exactly what I'm running into.

01:48:04.000 That's where I'm at, yeah.

01:48:06.000 They buy a ticket, I feel bad.

01:48:07.000 But I was explaining to Ari last night, there's something uniquely intimate about arenas too.

01:48:12.000 What?!

01:48:12.000 Yes!

01:48:13.000 Listen to me.

01:48:13.000 But John Denver, if he said, if I had one show left to do in the world, it would be a Red Rocks.

01:48:19.000 And that's John Denver.

01:48:20.000 He's a massive guy.

01:48:21.000 It's 9,000 people.

01:48:22.000 Yeah, he loves that place, though.

01:48:23.000 That's an amazing place, but it's also 9,000 people.

01:48:25.000 It is big.

01:48:26.000 He's a musician, though.

01:48:27.000 Yeah, it's an arena.

01:48:28.000 But it's like, if you had one show left to do, where would you do it?

01:48:32.000 Well, he's a famous singer.

01:48:33.000 I'm saying you.

01:48:34.000 If you had one show left to do...

01:48:36.000 That's it.

01:48:36.000 You're done forever.

01:48:37.000 Where would you do the show?

01:48:38.000 I'd go back to the main room of the store.

01:48:39.000 Okay.

01:48:40.000 Well, I mean, it's different with stand-up.

01:48:42.000 Where would you be?

01:48:43.000 Anywhere.

01:48:43.000 No, no, no.

01:48:44.000 Music's like something spiritual. 0.99

01:48:46.000 Stand-up's like, alright, here's my bullshit bit. 0.99

01:48:49.000 I gotta get to my clothes. 0.97

01:48:51.000 Yeah, where would you be?

01:48:53.000 MSG's in play?

01:48:53.000 Hold up, hold up.

01:48:55.000 When you're saying that, it's bullshit for you. 1.00

01:48:59.000 Because it has to be bullshit for you to be so good at it. 1.00

01:49:04.000 If you thought it was, like, super important... 1.00

01:49:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:49:07.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:49:08.000 It wouldn't work. 1.00

01:49:09.000 Yeah, then you'd suck. 1.00

01:49:10.000 Yes. 1.00

01:49:10.000 It wouldn't work. 1.00

01:49:11.000 You gotta work out.

01:49:12.000 But where would you do it?

01:49:13.000 But it's not the same mindset.

01:49:15.000 If you thought it was super important for the world to hear your bit about your niece...

01:49:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:49:22.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:49:23.000 About anything.

01:49:25.000 About anything. 0.99

01:49:25.000 About any fucking thing. 0.99

01:49:27.000 It's not. 0.99

01:49:28.000 But it is.

01:49:29.000 But it is.

01:49:29.000 How about this?

01:49:30.000 But it is.

01:49:31.000 But you can't think it is.

01:49:32.000 How about this?

01:49:33.000 You're gone. 0.99

01:49:34.000 You're dead. 0.84

01:49:35.000 You're in heaven.

01:49:36.000 What would you have performed more?

01:49:37.000 What place would it be?

01:49:39.000 Me?

01:49:40.000 Yeah.

01:49:40.000 It could be Main Room.

01:49:42.000 Me, it'd probably be Comedy Works.

01:49:43.000 Zero places.

01:49:45.000 I have zero regrets.

01:49:47.000 Not regrets, but like, I should do more shows there.

01:49:50.000 Zero.

01:49:51.000 It's not about where. 0.96

01:49:52.000 I've been able to do that, but I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time. 0.98

01:49:57.000 I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time. 0.97

01:50:00.000 I've been able to decide, I want to do the Ice House, I want to do the store. 0.96

01:50:04.000 Yeah, but you got one left.

01:50:06.000 You got one left.

01:50:07.000 Somebody goes, this is it.

01:50:08.000 Main room, store.

01:50:09.000 Yeah?

01:50:09.000 Main room, store.

01:50:10.000 I'm OR store, probably.

01:50:12.000 Really?

01:50:12.000 Main room, store.

01:50:13.000 Of all the places.

01:50:14.000 OR store's my spot.

01:50:15.000 100%.

01:50:15.000 Yeah.

01:50:16.000 Comedy Works is two.

01:50:17.000 Just for, also for like...

01:50:22.000 What? 1.00

01:50:22.000 The place is fucked. 1.00

01:50:24.000 No, it's not. 1.00

01:50:24.000 It's been a great spot. 1.00

01:50:25.000 No, listen to me.

01:50:26.000 Not the store.

01:50:27.000 Listen to me.

01:50:28.000 Listen to me.

01:50:28.000 Not the store.

01:50:29.000 You little pussy. 1.00

01:50:29.000 Los Angeles is fucked. 1.00

01:50:31.000 It's great. 1.00

01:50:32.000 It's about to be a rebirth.

01:50:34.000 It's about to be a rebirth.

01:50:35.000 Everybody's gone. 0.99

01:50:36.000 It's about to be a rebirth of artistic integrity instead of fame and fucking fortune. 0.99

01:50:41.000 Or Babylon. 0.99

01:50:42.000 What?

01:50:43.000 Or Babylon.

01:50:44.000 Or complete dissolving of civilization.

01:50:50.000 It might be great.

01:50:51.000 It's gonna be great.

01:50:51.000 But it also might be like every other failed civilization.

01:50:54.000 New York's awesome.

01:50:56.000 Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, late night of the cellar is the best.

01:51:02.000 It's pretty great. 1.00

01:51:02.000 There are pieces of shit in the audience. 1.00

01:51:04.000 There are degenerate drug addicts. 1.00

01:51:06.000 They're out at 1am having a good time on a Monday! 1.00

01:51:09.000 And the city's fucked. 1.00

01:51:10.000 It's just... 1.00

01:51:11.000 Bail reform, homeless, subway stabbings.

01:51:14.000 As soon as you leave this teller, there will be crack-outs outside to meet you.

01:51:19.000 There's 13 million illegal immigrants there.

01:51:23.000 It's great.

01:51:24.000 It's great.

01:51:25.000 What a great place to do stand-up comedy.

01:51:27.000 Yeah, they need it.

01:51:28.000 They need a laugh.

01:51:29.000 They need it.

01:51:29.000 They see all the craziness.

01:51:30.000 Just McDougal Street is bananas now.

01:51:32.000 That exact block.

01:51:33.000 But don't you ever wonder if any of this chaos, any of this degeneration of society is engineered? 0.98

01:51:40.000 Weekends suck. 0.72

01:51:42.000 That's what I worry about. 0.99

01:51:43.000 I worry if it's engineered.

01:51:45.000 What do you mean? 0.99

01:51:45.000 The degeneration of society, the fucking open of the borders, the chaos in the streets, the fucking letting people out immediately after they commit violent crimes. 0.99

01:51:56.000 What's there to gain from doing that? 0.99

01:51:58.000 Collapse society.

01:51:59.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

01:52:00.000 Another country going, let me collapse.

01:52:02.000 Jamie, play Van Halen.

01:52:04.000 Panama!

01:52:05.000 Panama!

01:52:07.000 Play Panama. 0.57

01:52:08.000 Yeah, that's all we need, dude.

01:52:10.000 All we need is to drink a little beer.

01:52:11.000 What's another song, Better Than Panama? 0.82

01:52:13.000 How come Jamie never drinks on podcasts?

01:52:15.000 No, he did a couple shows.

01:52:17.000 I didn't see any of them, though.

01:52:18.000 Bro, David Lee Roth's on the wildest guest I've ever had in here.

01:52:22.000 You had him in here?

01:52:23.000 Oh, my goodness.

01:52:25.000 Remember when we talked to him in the store? 0.83

01:52:26.000 He's an animal.

01:52:26.000 Yeah.

01:52:27.000 Diamond Dave.

01:52:27.000 We were at the store, and this wasn't Joe Rogan now.

01:52:30.000 This is Joe Rogan like, I'm lucky to meet this guy.

01:52:32.000 100%.

01:52:33.000 And he was like, tell us stories. 1.00

01:52:35.000 He was like, I fucked a mom and a daughter once. 0.99

01:52:37.000 I'm like, what? 0.99

01:52:39.000 I don't remember that, but it was in the front patio.

01:52:43.000 What is this?

01:52:45.000 Oh, here it is.

01:52:45.000 Panama.

01:52:46.000 Give me some volume.

01:52:48.000 You don't think America's number one, dude? 0.99

01:52:51.000 When I was in high school, my sister's boyfriend Had a fucking license plate. 1.00

01:52:57.000 Yo, you got cocked. 1.00

01:52:57.000 And it's my sister's boyfriend! 1.00

01:52:59.000 You got cocked.

01:53:01.000 Wait, you have a sister?

01:53:02.000 I have a sister. 1.00

01:53:04.000 His fucking, his license plate said Van Halen. 1.00

01:53:07.000 Beast. 1.00

01:53:08.000 Beast.

01:53:09.000 Beast.

01:53:09.000 Really?

01:53:10.000 When he pulled up, you were like, Beast.

01:53:12.000 Yeah, bro, he was the man.

01:53:13.000 Was it a van?

01:53:14.000 He was the man.

01:53:16.000 I think he had a Cutlass.

01:53:17.000 I forget what he had.

01:53:19.000 Oldsmobile.

01:53:20.000 One of my sister's boyfriends got me an Austin 316 t-shirt.

01:53:25.000 And I was like, I hope you guys get married, dude.

01:53:29.000 Wait a minute.

01:53:30.000 Is he Jewish?

01:53:33.000 Yeah.

01:53:33.000 Roth is always Jewish.

01:53:35.000 One for the team, bro. 1.00

01:53:35.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00

01:53:36.000 He's a good dude. 1.00

01:53:38.000 One time I went to dinner with him and Bruce Buffer.

01:53:41.000 Me, him, Bruce Buffer, and a bunch of my other friends. 0.99

01:53:44.000 Damn, that's a crew. 0.99

01:53:45.000 He has a handler. 1.00

01:53:46.000 Bruce Buffer's nuts. 0.93

01:53:47.000 Listen to me. 0.86

01:53:47.000 David Lee Roth doesn't even have a phone number. 0.86

01:53:50.000 He has a handler.

01:53:51.000 So I have to communicate with David Lee Roth's lady. 0.97

01:53:56.000 And David Lee Roth is like, he's like, He doesn't carry a wallet.

01:54:01.000 She's like, make sure he's okay.

01:54:03.000 I go, I got him.

01:54:04.000 I go, I'm going to take care of him.

01:54:06.000 I go, if you have any problems, text me.

01:54:08.000 I'll text you if there's any issues.

01:54:09.000 How's he doing now?

01:54:10.000 He's awesome.

01:54:12.000 That's nice to hear.

01:54:13.000 That dude lives in Pasadena, rides his bike to the grocery store.

01:54:18.000 He's living life.

01:54:19.000 Bro, he lived in Japan for two years learning kendo, and he just lived with his dog by himself.

01:54:25.000 Wow!

01:54:26.000 He was like the legit David Lee Roth from Van Halen.

01:54:30.000 He lived in Japan.

01:54:31.000 He's the man.

01:54:32.000 Wow.

01:54:33.000 You know he's all covered in tattoos?

01:54:35.000 No.

01:54:35.000 David Lee Roth?

01:54:36.000 Fully sleeped.

01:54:37.000 Well, can't be better than your sanitary as well.

01:54:39.000 He has tattoo, like, care products.

01:54:42.000 What?

01:54:43.000 Yeah, he does.

01:54:44.000 Yeah, he does.

01:54:45.000 Good for him.

01:54:45.000 What are they called, Jamie?

01:54:47.000 He's gonna be.

01:54:48.000 Hey, do you put an extra sunblock on yours?

01:54:50.000 Yeah, I do.

01:54:51.000 Extra. 0.99

01:54:52.000 Yeah, I don't wanna fuck him up. 0.97

01:54:53.000 Jamie, ain't talking about love. 0.93

01:54:55.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:56.000 Just the beginning.

01:55:00.000 Ain't talking about love.

01:55:01.000 There he is.

01:55:03.000 Yeah, there's his tattoos.

01:55:04.000 He still looks pretty good.

01:55:05.000 By the way, oh, he's in very good shape.

01:55:07.000 But all those tattoos, look at his back.

01:55:10.000 All those tattoos are done traditional Japanese style.

01:55:13.000 Tommy Lee Roth.

01:55:14.000 Like tapping.

01:55:15.000 They tap.

01:55:16.000 So it's not like with a gun?

01:55:18.000 Like we're like...

01:55:18.000 It's like way more painful.

01:55:22.000 So Indonesia, I knew this guy.

01:55:23.000 He goes, I want a bamboo tattoo.

01:55:27.000 Ink the Original?

01:55:29.000 Is that what it's called?

01:55:30.000 Ink the Original?

01:55:32.000 But he gave me a bunch of it.

01:55:33.000 He gave me a bunch of it.

01:55:34.000 It's really good stuff.

01:55:35.000 He's a really nice guy.

01:55:36.000 I really like him a lot. 0.78

01:55:38.000 And me and him and Bruce Buffer at dinner, it was fucking amazing. 0.94

01:55:42.000 Wow. 0.98

01:55:43.000 A bunch of other people, I can't remember who the fuck else was there.

01:55:46.000 But I remember, I was like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever brought together.

01:55:49.000 Bruce Buffer, David LeBron, and me and Ron just getting hammered.

01:55:54.000 Wow.

01:55:54.000 And just eating steaks.

01:55:55.000 Wait, this reminded me.

01:55:56.000 One time...

01:55:57.000 Me and you were going to a movie at, like, Universal.

01:56:01.000 And we got to the parking lot, and then we just ran in randomly to Ron Jeremy.

01:56:07.000 No way!

01:56:08.000 And then we were talking to Ron Jeremy, and Mr. Belding showed up.

01:56:11.000 David Haskins?

01:56:13.000 From the Saved by the Bell.

01:56:14.000 No, what do you know that guy's name?

01:56:15.000 Pull it up.

01:56:15.000 From Saved by the Bell.

01:56:17.000 Taskings?

01:56:18.000 Is this a dream you're having?

01:56:19.000 Oh no, dude.

01:56:20.000 This is real.

01:56:21.000 Universal?

01:56:22.000 Universal, like that parking lot.

01:56:24.000 Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell.

01:56:25.000 Okay.

01:56:26.000 Ron Jeremy, you know.

01:56:27.000 You might not know who Mr. Belding was, but he was on a major sitcom.

01:56:31.000 Okay.

01:56:32.000 Saved by the Bell.

01:56:32.000 And we all just started talking.

01:56:34.000 I was a young guy. 0.99

01:56:35.000 I was like, what the fuck is going on here? 0.99

01:56:37.000 When I met Ari, Ari was the door guy. 0.99

01:56:39.000 Door guy.

01:56:41.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:41.000 Yes.

01:56:42.000 You remember him?

01:56:43.000 Ari, how old were you when I met you?

01:56:45.000 My wife's name.

01:56:49.000 For real.

01:56:50.000 In real years, 11. Were you like 25?

01:56:53.000 25, maybe.

01:56:55.000 But I was unfulfilled.

01:56:57.000 I'm gonna tell you something about Ari. 0.99

01:56:58.000 I met him, and the first time me and Ari had a legitimate conversation, we were in the parking lot of the store where the back area was, and I'm like, who is this motherfucker? 1.00

01:57:10.000 I don't remember what he said, but I just remember, oh, this guy doesn't kill a fuck. 0.99

01:57:16.000 I go, this dude was sharp. 0.99

01:57:18.000 I'm like, this dude's wild. 1.00

01:57:20.000 What the fuck are you on? 1.00

01:57:21.000 The first time I met Ari was at JFL. You were walking out. 1.00

01:57:27.000 You threw me a bag of mushrooms.

01:57:29.000 I was doing new faces at JFL. He was doing what got him booked on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:57:34.000 And I was like, bro, great.

01:57:36.000 Do what you do.

01:57:37.000 Take these also.

01:57:38.000 Yeah, he tossed me a bag of mushrooms.

01:57:39.000 And that was the first time I ever did mushrooms.

01:57:41.000 And boy, that was a trip.

01:57:44.000 You didn't know before that?

01:57:46.000 No.

01:57:46.000 I gave Shane enough for the party.

01:57:48.000 But Shane was like, is this enough mushrooms for me?

01:57:52.000 How much did you take?

01:57:53.000 That was for the whole party.

01:57:55.000 I had a bag.

01:57:56.000 It was at least a quarter, maybe more.

01:57:58.000 A Ziploc bag.

01:57:58.000 It was a quarter in grams.

01:57:59.000 Do we have any mushrooms, by the way?

01:58:01.000 It was four grams.

01:58:02.000 Are there any here?

01:58:03.000 It was at least four doses.

01:58:04.000 Seven grams.

01:58:05.000 It was a lot.

01:58:05.000 It was at least four doses.

01:58:07.000 But I assumed he knew!

01:58:08.000 Seven grams.

01:58:09.000 This is for everybody!

01:58:10.000 It's not going to give you this bottle!

01:58:11.000 A lot been there, Joe.

01:58:12.000 Was that song, Don't Pay the Ferryman?

01:58:15.000 You know that song?

01:58:16.000 That was fun.

01:58:17.000 Jamie, don't pay the ferryman.

01:58:20.000 You're the bro.

01:58:22.000 This is a song you eat when you hit seven grams.

01:58:27.000 Hold on, we ain't talking about love.

01:58:29.000 First of all, give me some volume. 1.00

01:58:32.000 You coward, Jamie. 1.00

01:58:34.000 Yeah, you're a coward, bitch. 1.00

01:58:36.000 That's the guy from the end of the video show. 1.00

01:58:38.000 That's the guy from the end of the picture.

01:58:40.000 That's a vampire.

01:58:41.000 I've never heard this song in my life.

01:58:42.000 You know what I listen to?

01:58:43.000 Yeah, you have.

01:58:44.000 Have I? He gave me those.

01:58:45.000 I listen to the...

01:58:46.000 Not Interstellar.

01:58:48.000 I listen to...

01:58:51.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:58:52.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:58:52.000 Who cares? 1.00

01:58:53.000 If you're on 7grams, this song starts playing?

01:58:56.000 What is this?

01:58:57.000 It sounds like it's serious.

01:58:58.000 I have a good time.

01:58:59.000 This is going to be Ari in ten years.

01:59:00.000 Is it a terrible song from like 1982?

01:59:02.000 Ain't talking about love.

01:59:03.000 It's time.

01:59:04.000 Ain't talking about love, dude.

01:59:06.000 Who's shocking?

01:59:06.000 I don't know this tune.

01:59:07.000 Hold on.

01:59:08.000 Keep this playing a little bit.

01:59:09.000 I need the hook.

01:59:10.000 It's not going anywhere.

01:59:12.000 Damien's got some tabs open.

01:59:14.000 This might be the longest podcast we've ever done.

01:59:17.000 No, last one was five hours.

01:59:19.000 We got another 20 minutes.

01:59:21.000 Easy.

01:59:22.000 Easy.

01:59:23.000 I think we've been on for four hours.

01:59:25.000 No, no.

01:59:27.000 I'm not trying to stop it.

01:59:30.000 We started at 520. It's been two hours even.

01:59:33.000 No, no, no.

01:59:33.000 We started at 520. We started at 320. That's my phone.

01:59:36.000 Oh, that's your phone. 1.00

01:59:38.000 That's how fucked up we are. 1.00

01:59:40.000 Where's the goddamn shrooms? 1.00

01:59:42.000 We usually have shrooms on the table. 1.00

01:59:44.000 Allegedly. 0.99

01:59:45.000 No, you're crazy. 0.97

01:59:46.000 Please respect the federal government. 0.93

01:59:49.000 Sorry.

01:59:49.000 Here we go.

01:59:50.000 Here we go.

01:59:51.000 This is 2015 remastered.

01:59:56.000 Hey, 27 million views on this puppy.

02:00:00.000 Yeah, well, you guys just got 10 million.

02:00:03.000 By the way, we did Stairway to Heaven last time, or whatever that was.

02:00:08.000 Freebird, bro.

02:00:09.000 Freebird! 1.00

02:00:10.000 I got so much shit for talking during it. 1.00

02:00:13.000 Did you throw a dreadle up my head? 1.00

02:00:14.000 Listen, Mark Norman.

02:00:17.000 Listen to me, Mark Norman.

02:00:18.000 Listen to me.

02:00:19.000 Stop reading the comments.

02:00:21.000 Ah!

02:00:23.000 That's okay.

02:00:24.000 Hold on.

02:00:26.000 Flock of Seagulls has 161 million views.

02:00:31.000 Which song?

02:00:32.000 Iran? 0.79

02:00:32.000 That's a good song. 0.79

02:00:33.000 That's a good fucking song. 1.00

02:00:35.000 Bad country. 1.00

02:00:36.000 Good song.

02:00:39.000 Guys, I care about you guys.

02:00:41.000 I care about you guys too.

02:00:43.000 Guys, I beat off two guys every night.

02:00:45.000 You know what hurts me the most?

02:00:46.000 What?

02:00:46.000 Is I get so excited when you guys come here.

02:00:49.000 Me too.

02:00:50.000 Actually, before I even live here.

02:00:51.000 I love how quick you got to hear.

02:00:52.000 Listen, we got two of us living here. 0.99

02:00:55.000 What are you two other pussies doing? 1.00

02:00:58.000 I know. 1.00

02:00:59.000 That's some other bullshit out of state. 1.00

02:01:01.000 Wait till they're going to start making a little bit of bread. 1.00

02:01:04.000 I'm thinking about buying more clubs. 1.00

02:01:06.000 Shut up. 0.99

02:01:08.000 Let's go. 1.00

02:01:09.000 Around the country?

02:01:09.000 No, right here.

02:01:11.000 Oh, interesting.

02:01:12.000 Let's go.

02:01:12.000 You gotta hate running a club.

02:01:14.000 I love it.

02:01:15.000 He doesn't seem to mind.

02:01:18.000 I'm having a good time.

02:01:19.000 Come on! 0.61

02:01:20.000 I'm trying to make it a wonderful place for us all to thrive.

02:01:23.000 It is great.

02:01:25.000 You're at the mothership, and you're like...

02:01:27.000 I'm about to go on.

02:01:28.000 Hey, I'm thirsty.

02:01:29.000 Eight bottles of water come at you from every direction.

02:01:32.000 And then there's Terry Blacks, there's sushi, there's crowds. 0.98

02:01:35.000 Well, last night for sure.

02:01:37.000 I wish I had enjoyed it. 1.00

02:01:38.000 I was on another fucking planet. 1.00

02:01:40.000 Great holiday, boy. 1.00

02:01:40.000 Yeah, you were on acid. 1.00

02:01:41.000 I was flying.

02:01:42.000 Yeah.

02:01:43.000 Allegedly.

02:01:44.000 Allegedly.

02:01:45.000 Allegedly.

02:01:47.000 Hurling through this dimension.

02:01:48.000 Yeah, it was nice though.

02:01:49.000 It was nice.

02:01:50.000 Joe took acid and was like, being nice.

02:01:53.000 Yeah, you were all complimenting.

02:01:54.000 Joe was being nice. 1.00

02:01:55.000 He's usually a real cocksucker. 0.99

02:01:58.000 Unsupportive in every way. 0.99

02:01:59.000 I try to be extra nice.

02:02:00.000 If I do anything, even if I get a little drunk, I try to be extra nice.

02:02:04.000 Ron White acid.

02:02:05.000 That's all I want to do.

02:02:05.000 I just want to be extra nice.

02:02:07.000 Always.

02:02:07.000 I'll tell you what.

02:02:08.000 Watching the Eagles lose to the Cowboys, sitting next to Ron White.

02:02:12.000 Jack!

02:02:13.000 You're still not the guy.

02:02:14.000 You've got to prove it in the playoffs. 1.00

02:02:16.000 Suck. 1.00

02:02:17.000 Ron White's a good egg. 1.00

02:02:19.000 Ron White's a good egg.

02:02:20.000 He's such a sweetheart.

02:02:20.000 Full shaman mode.

02:02:21.000 We were talking last night about doing a fucking commercial for his tequila. 0.99

02:02:26.000 Should do it. 0.99

02:02:27.000 Yeah, we should do some commercials.

02:02:28.000 I told him, I go, Ron White, I'll do commercials for your tequila for free.

02:02:32.000 I saw Big Frida doing an ad for a local lawyer. 1.00

02:02:35.000 Nice, Mark!

02:02:36.000 He's figuring it out.

02:02:37.000 Comedy.

02:02:39.000 Yeah, but I was like, Ron White's tequila is really solid.

02:02:42.000 I would legit write a sketch.

02:02:44.000 In fact, I'm going to.

02:02:45.000 Write a sketch about Ron White's tequila.

02:02:47.000 We'll shoot it.

02:02:47.000 I've learned it.

02:02:48.000 Do a YouTube video.

02:02:50.000 I got it now.

02:02:51.000 Can you do just a YouTube video if you're not even getting paid for it?

02:02:54.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:02:54.000 Yeah, why not?

02:02:55.000 Just do it for free.

02:02:57.000 You probably have to go through some hoops and ladders if you want to do an ad.

02:03:00.000 But if you want to do an actual ad?

02:03:02.000 Yeah, you don't have to do that.

02:03:03.000 Just do it.

02:03:04.000 Let's do it for free, just because we love them.

02:03:06.000 Yeah.

02:03:07.000 And it's also, if you like tequila, it's really good.

02:03:10.000 All right.

02:03:11.000 Load it up.

02:03:12.000 BodegaCat.

02:03:13.000 Who's next?

02:03:14.000 BodegaCat on sale.

02:03:15.000 BodegaCat.

02:03:16.000 Whiskey.com.

02:03:17.000 Shane can bury us all.

02:03:20.000 No.

02:03:20.000 That's an extraordinary number of Bud Lights.

02:03:24.000 That might be more Bud Lights sold than in any geographic block since Kid Rock shot those cans.

02:03:32.000 Oh, almost.

02:03:33.000 We're back, baby.

02:03:34.000 If you have to think about how many Bud Lights have been drank in this square, this room, I think we win.

02:03:40.000 Oh, this room has a lot.

02:03:41.000 Since Kid Rock shot those cans, I think we win.

02:03:46.000 It's getting cold in here. 1.00

02:03:47.000 No, it's not, pussy. 1.00

02:03:48.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:03:49.000 You need to get in that goddamn cold plunge of me and Shane. 1.00

02:03:52.000 You guys doing a show? 1.00

02:03:52.000 Cold plunge. 1.00

02:03:53.000 No, thank you.

02:03:54.000 Jamie.

02:03:55.000 What are you saying?

02:03:55.000 No, I was asking, do they have a show to do tonight?

02:03:57.000 No, we don't.

02:03:57.000 In a half hour.

02:03:59.000 Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

02:04:01.000 I knew you were going to be a buzzkill dude trying to run the show. 1.00

02:04:03.000 Goddamn, Jamie. 1.00

02:04:04.000 Jamie's so nasty. 1.00

02:04:05.000 People don't know.

02:04:06.000 Shane's got a good point about Shane. 1.00

02:04:07.000 Jamie, you kid fucker. 1.00

02:04:08.000 Relax. 1.00

02:04:10.000 There we go.

02:04:11.000 Listen, if we can make Tony Hinchcliffe sweat Yeah!

02:04:15.000 I love how he texts like, how you guys doing?

02:04:17.000 Let me know the updates. 0.99

02:04:19.000 Yeah, there's no updates, bitch. 1.00

02:04:21.000 The best was Ric Flair with Louis and Zach Amico in the little backdrop. 0.98

02:04:28.000 By the way, Ric Flair, that was a lot of editing. 0.98

02:04:31.000 He talked about Asian pussy for half an hour, and then he gets mad at us for making a joke about an open-miker. 0.98

02:04:37.000 If anybody knows what I stand for, it's not for wasting people's time. 0.99

02:04:43.000 That's what you are, Ric Flair?

02:04:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:04:45.000 Listen, in all fairness, the dude is like going from...

02:04:49.000 Legend.

02:04:50.000 Yeah.

02:04:51.000 Also...

02:04:52.000 What are you doing?

02:04:53.000 I farted.

02:04:53.000 It was silent.

02:04:54.000 I thought it would be louder.

02:04:55.000 You did a weird thing.

02:04:56.000 I was like, why is he going over here to fart? 0.99

02:04:57.000 I was trying to get my ass to the mic. 0.99

02:04:59.000 He comes from a different time. 0.98

02:05:01.000 He comes from, like, Porky's.

02:05:04.000 Remember that movie?

02:05:06.000 I jacked off to Porky's.

02:05:09.000 Just the anti-Semitic through line.

02:05:14.000 You know, like, you gotta realize, like, you can't expect everybody to completely catch up. 0.97

02:05:20.000 Yeah, he's a drunk wrestler.

02:05:22.000 You gotta give people a little bit of flexibility.

02:05:23.000 Just be a nice person, but have different opinions.

02:05:27.000 That's inclusive.

02:05:28.000 That's okay.

02:05:29.000 That's open-minded.

02:05:29.000 That's real inclusiveness, right?

02:05:32.000 Right.

02:05:33.000 Be a nice person. 1.00

02:05:34.000 Be nice to people, but go, hey, maybe some of these people are fucking crazy. 1.00

02:05:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:05:38.000 And not be a Nazi because of that. 0.99

02:05:40.000 What are you doing?

02:05:41.000 You lighting things on fire?

02:05:43.000 Go behind the...

02:05:45.000 Dude, Christmas rules.

02:05:48.000 Let's...

02:05:48.000 Does it ever make you want to convert, Harry?

02:05:51.000 Christmas...

02:05:51.000 Oh, yeah, dude.

02:05:52.000 I'm thinking about converting to new religions all the time.

02:05:55.000 We'll take you right in.

02:05:56.000 Which one do you want?

02:05:58.000 Let's all join together.

02:05:59.000 It was the Mormons.

02:06:00.000 Unfortunately, it was the Mormons. 0.97

02:06:02.000 Mormons? 0.55

02:06:03.000 That's South Park.

02:06:04.000 Roman Catholic.

02:06:05.000 Listen, I think Scientology is our way.

02:06:07.000 Buddhist, bro. 0.88

02:06:08.000 It's obviously Buddhist.

02:06:09.000 It's obviously Buddhist.

02:06:10.000 They've been super solid with Tom Cruise.

02:06:12.000 I think we can get a good deal.

02:06:13.000 I was about to pour some water, but I realized it's all piss.

02:06:17.000 Jesus Christ.

02:06:18.000 That's the dream.

02:06:19.000 Left middle for dead.

02:06:20.000 Jesus Christ.

02:06:22.000 You gotta be jealous of Christmas, though, you guys.

02:06:24.000 Obviously.

02:06:25.000 Come on.

02:06:26.000 Obviously.

02:06:27.000 It's a hell of a holiday.

02:06:28.000 It's the best holiday.

02:06:29.000 The best!

02:06:30.000 We did it.

02:06:31.000 Catholics did it again. 1.00

02:06:33.000 Christians in general, yes.

02:06:34.000 Obviously not Catholics. 0.90

02:06:35.000 Christians in general, yes. 0.99

02:06:37.000 If you want to look at all human interactions as being like some gigantic fucking thing designed to move us in a certain direction, how crazy is it that Israel exists surrounded by Islamic states? 1.00

02:06:50.000 Yeah, I guess it is crazy. 1.00

02:06:52.000 It is crazy. 0.99

02:06:53.000 It's fucking insane. 1.00

02:06:54.000 Maybe we shouldn't even fucking be there. 1.00

02:06:56.000 Oh yeah, maybe we should let them all kill each other. 1.00

02:07:00.000 Common enemy. 1.00

02:07:02.000 You have a dome built to stop rockets.

02:07:05.000 Yep.

02:07:05.000 That's crazy.

02:07:06.000 That's crazy.

02:07:06.000 You have to build that.

02:07:07.000 And we funded it.

02:07:08.000 Yeah.

02:07:09.000 Allegedly.

02:07:10.000 Hey, remember Jordan has no voting rights. 1.00

02:07:12.000 A Palestinians are the majority. 0.61

02:07:13.000 That's crazy, huh?

02:07:15.000 Liberal college students.

02:07:17.000 Let's bong a couple beers and then talk Israel-Palestine.

02:07:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:22.000 The funniest shit is queers for Palestine. 1.00

02:07:26.000 Same thing that's fake. 1.00

02:07:27.000 I might agree with them.

02:07:29.000 That's not real.

02:07:30.000 No, it's a meme, but it's just people being funny.

02:07:33.000 No, no, it's real.

02:07:34.000 But there's 100% people that have said queers for Palestine.

02:07:37.000 They've said it.

02:07:38.000 They've put it on a sign.

02:07:39.000 They just haven't thought it through.

02:07:40.000 But the funniest thing is the memes. 1.00

02:07:43.000 Fucking queers for Palestine and Palestine throwing people off roofs. 1.00

02:07:48.000 Like, it's so funny because it just, like, it so signifies, like, this crazy state of complete chaos. 1.00

02:07:55.000 Chaos.

02:07:55.000 You have to realize, like, if you and I, you and I are the oldest people here.

02:07:59.000 I'm the oldest.

02:07:59.000 Yeah, well, you're the oldest.

02:08:02.000 I'm bottom three oldest. 0.99

02:08:04.000 Oh, shit, it's my birthday. 0.99

02:08:05.000 He's 100% more, he's biologically the oldest here. 1.00

02:08:08.000 He owned for Moses. 0.98

02:08:10.000 But the most important thing is, like, no one knows what the fuck is going on. 0.97

02:08:14.000 No one. 0.96

02:08:15.000 No one knows.

02:08:16.000 Zero.

02:08:17.000 Yeah.

02:08:17.000 Zero people.

02:08:18.000 And if you don't admit that, then you're a part of the problem.

02:08:20.000 Yeah.

02:08:21.000 Mmm.

02:08:21.000 This whole thing is nuts.

02:08:23.000 Remember how Palestine executed two Palestinians in West Bank?

02:08:27.000 What? 1.00

02:08:27.000 Fucking a week ago. 1.00

02:08:28.000 Is that right? 0.99

02:08:29.000 What did you say? 1.00

02:08:29.000 Open air fucking just executed two fucking Palestinians. 1.00

02:08:32.000 Open air? 1.00

02:08:32.000 Palestine did that? 1.00

02:08:33.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:08:34.000 Crazy.

02:08:34.000 Why?

02:08:34.000 For what reason?

02:08:35.000 One Ethiopian, one fucking, I don't know, two Palestinians. 1.00

02:08:38.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:08:38.000 What did they do? 0.99

02:08:39.000 I don't know. 0.98

02:08:40.000 We execute Americans. 1.00

02:08:41.000 Oh yeah, sure. 1.00

02:08:44.000 Yeah, but you gotta do wild shit. 1.00

02:08:45.000 Way to say, oh, that wasn't wrong. 0.99

02:08:48.000 What are you working for, Harvard, Shane Gillis? 1.00

02:08:52.000 Shane, you working for UPenn, you piece of shit. 1.00

02:08:55.000 Free Palestine. 1.00

02:08:56.000 Free Palestine.

02:08:59.000 Free Palestine. 1.00

02:09:00.000 Who the fuck is that? 1.00

02:09:04.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:09:07.000 I don't give up. 0.99

02:09:09.000 That's what I'm going to do. 1.00

02:09:09.000 I'm going to move to the UK and just start talking shit. 1.00

02:09:11.000 Who the fuck is that? 1.00

02:09:12.000 That was the best. 1.00

02:09:13.000 Who the fuck is that? 1.00

02:09:14.000 I'm going to move to the UK and just start talking shit about America. 1.00

02:09:17.000 That's the best. 0.99

02:09:18.000 America is number one.

02:09:21.000 Ireland's going at it.

02:09:22.000 They're fighting like crazy.

02:09:24.000 Ireland's always been free Palestine. 0.93

02:09:27.000 Yeah, they relate to Palestine.

02:09:28.000 They relate the most to them.

02:09:29.000 What? 0.98

02:09:30.000 Where they're like, hey, we've been fucking taken by other people. 0.98

02:09:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.93

02:09:33.000 Yeah, don't go over there now.

02:09:35.000 And they can't.

02:09:35.000 No, Ireland rules.

02:09:36.000 Jew face. 0.94

02:09:37.000 Ireland's number one.

02:09:38.000 Ireland's fun.

02:09:40.000 I'm just saying.

02:09:41.000 Jesus Christ.

02:09:42.000 You are the most Jewish-looking guy of all time. 0.95

02:09:44.000 Yeah, propaganda face. 0.94

02:09:46.000 And the beard ain't helping there.

02:09:48.000 It ain't helping.

02:09:49.000 Who's more Jewish-looking than Ari? 1.00

02:09:51.000 There's got to be people.

02:09:54.000 What's his name?

02:09:55.000 The Jewish guy from the cellar? 1.00

02:09:58.000 The one.

02:09:58.000 Dan Natterman?

02:10:00.000 No, no, no.

02:10:00.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:10:01.000 Famous people.

02:10:02.000 Famous people.

02:10:03.000 That's what I'm talking about.

02:10:03.000 Dan Natterman versus me.

02:10:05.000 He looks more Jewy, but I'm bigger. 0.56

02:10:07.000 Who's like more famous?

02:10:09.000 Gargamel? 0.99

02:10:11.000 Who the fuck is Gargamel? 1.00

02:10:13.000 He's the Smurfs guy. 1.00

02:10:15.000 But he was clear.

02:10:16.000 Pull him up, J-Mo. 0.95

02:10:17.000 He's a clear anti-Semitic Jewish cartoon. 0.93

02:10:22.000 Jesus Christ. 0.95

02:10:23.000 Gargamel versus me. 1.00

02:10:24.000 I haven't thought about Gargamel since I was a fucking Jewish villain. 1.00

02:10:29.000 Oh my God, it's so insane. 1.00

02:10:32.000 Let's do it.

02:10:33.000 Oh my God, that's so insane. 0.98

02:10:35.000 And he's killing the Smurfs. 0.98

02:10:36.000 Someone will do it.

02:10:37.000 You can't ask Jamie to do it.

02:10:38.000 That's too much work.

02:10:39.000 He can do it.

02:10:40.000 Someone will do it.

02:10:40.000 Side by side right now.

02:10:42.000 You put it on Instagram.

02:10:43.000 You're going to be fine.

02:10:44.000 Let's do it.

02:10:44.000 I already did it.

02:10:45.000 You already did it.

02:10:47.000 Oh my god.

02:10:48.000 I already did it.

02:10:48.000 I'm actually good at my job.

02:10:50.000 That's why I make over $45,000 a year.

02:10:53.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:10:54.000 Gargamel with his stupid shoes. 1.00

02:10:57.000 Go see Ari at the Comedy Works. 1.00

02:10:59.000 Those are Danny Brown's shoes.

02:11:01.000 That's what Danny Brown wears on stage.

02:11:02.000 Those shoes.

02:11:03.000 Oh my god.

02:11:04.000 I don't know about you guys, but I'm done for.

02:11:07.000 Done.

02:11:08.000 I'm pretty banged up.

02:11:09.000 Let's go ruin Tony's dream. 1.00

02:11:12.000 Hey, he's doing arenas now with this shit. 1.00

02:11:14.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:11:15.000 What's really important is you interrupt him every time he tries to talk.

02:11:18.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:11:19.000 Tony, you know what sucks? 0.98

02:11:21.000 That's what I was about to say. 1.00

02:11:22.000 If Tony had a fucking nuclear missile. 0.99

02:11:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:11:26.000 He could destroy the universe.

02:11:27.000 He's Kim Jong-un. 1.00

02:11:29.000 He would fucking... 0.99

02:11:30.000 He would, dude. 1.00

02:11:32.000 If you fucking interrupt him three times, you'd be like, enough! 1.00

02:11:36.000 He would fucking hit it. 0.99

02:11:38.000 I didn't mean it that way! 1.00

02:11:39.000 He would hit it.

02:11:42.000 Alright.

02:11:42.000 I think we can save the world.

02:11:44.000 Yeah, how's that, Joe?

02:11:46.000 With more of these kind of conversations.

02:11:47.000 That would help.

02:11:48.000 I know it sounds ridiculous, but if four people can get along like this and have a good time, why can't 400 billion?

02:11:55.000 Instead of focusing on the negatives, forget all that.

02:11:59.000 Focus on the positives.

02:12:01.000 Try to have a good time.

02:12:02.000 Just try. 0.90

02:12:03.000 Think about how sick America is. 0.96

02:12:04.000 Try. 1.00

02:12:05.000 America's the sickest. 0.96

02:12:06.000 Think about the best ways. 0.98

02:12:07.000 What about this?

02:12:08.000 Forget that.

02:12:09.000 What about the good ways?

02:12:10.000 We are the world, Jamie.

02:12:10.000 Thank you.

02:12:11.000 We are the current generation that is the furthest along in the journey of escaping the barbarism of history.

02:12:20.000 We have tried to figure out the best possible path to a beautiful, free, and equitable society.

02:12:29.000 And yes, there have been mistakes made along the way.

02:12:33.000 But if we can continue to all have the mentality to move into a path that's better for everyone.

02:12:40.000 There you go, Criss Angel.

02:12:41.000 We can make a better world!

02:12:45.000 Look at Paul Simon.

02:12:47.000 Sing it, Kenny Rogers!

02:12:50.000 How tall is Kenny Rogers?

02:12:54.000 500 feet tall!

02:12:56.000 No, I'm dead.

02:12:56.000 He's taller than the Empire State Building.

02:12:58.000 You can't, brother.

02:12:59.000 Oh, that's Tina Turner! 0.97

02:13:01.000 You're the angel?

02:13:02.000 Looking good.

02:13:03.000 Look at Billy Joel.

02:13:04.000 Young Billy Joel.

02:13:05.000 Hold on.

02:13:06.000 Not my sweet angel.

02:13:07.000 Look at young Billy Joel.

02:13:09.000 That's Captain Jack.

02:13:11.000 He was still kind of drunk.

02:13:13.000 Drunk.

02:13:14.000 People forgot how good Billy Joel was.

02:13:16.000 I've seen him in concert.

02:13:17.000 You know what happened to Billy Joel?

02:13:21.000 He's got a hundred hits.

02:13:23.000 Oh my god, he's got so many hits.

02:13:25.000 But, like, the young Billy Joe, like, Piano Man? 0.99

02:13:28.000 Goddamn. 0.94

02:13:29.000 Yeah, he was fun. 0.99

02:13:30.000 Captain Jack, boys, we gotta wrap this up.

02:13:32.000 Listen, you can't trick out of that.

02:13:34.000 Why not? 0.91

02:13:34.000 You eat cancer. 0.91

02:13:35.000 It's from China. 0.99

02:13:36.000 You eat cancer.

02:13:37.000 That's not...

02:13:38.000 Don't do it already.

02:13:39.000 This is anti-American. 1.00

02:13:40.000 Oh, you fucking Jew, you can't do this. 1.00

02:13:43.000 That's actually a good point. 1.00

02:13:44.000 Captain Jack?

02:13:45.000 I've seen that with Ice Clay.

02:13:47.000 It's like a skit they did.

02:13:49.000 I'd like to say one thing.

02:13:50.000 Play Captain Jack.

02:13:51.000 Let's wrap this up.

02:13:52.000 I'm here for America.

02:13:53.000 I think Danny Brown and Billy Strings should do a duet together.

02:13:57.000 That's the only thing I want to prove in the world.

02:13:58.000 Hold on, hold on.

02:13:59.000 Who?

02:14:00.000 Billy Strings and Danny Brown.

02:14:02.000 I think if they did a duet together, it would be the number one hit in America.

02:14:05.000 What makes you think that, Ari?

02:14:06.000 Because Billy Strings rules and Danny Brown rules. 0.95

02:14:09.000 And I think there's opposite fucking genres, and I think if they got together, no one would be against it.

02:14:14.000 Give me some music, Jeremy. 0.97

02:14:15.000 Billy Strings and Danny Brown.

02:14:17.000 Who's Billy Strings? 1.00

02:14:18.000 Billy Strings fucking rules, dude! 1.00

02:14:21.000 Tug that, coward. 1.00

02:14:22.000 You're drinking out of the bottom of an angel. 1.00

02:14:25.000 Oh, Billy Strings.

02:14:28.000 Lollapalooza! 0.75

02:14:30.000 Look at him pouring down his nasty beard. 1.00

02:14:33.000 That beard smells like jizz. 1.00

02:14:38.000 Oh my god. 0.98

02:14:41.000 He already had a hair on his strings.

02:14:43.000 String theory.

02:14:45.000 They rule!

02:14:45.000 Get it together, boys!

02:14:47.000 Do something great for society!

02:14:49.000 Get that clip.

02:14:51.000 We're gonna end with this, ladies and gentlemen.

02:14:53.000 This has been Protect Our Parks 10. We are dedicated and focused on the improvement of humanity.

02:15:01.000 The improvement in the way human beings communicate with each other and how we move forward.

02:15:08.000 Well, that's part of the problem.

02:15:08.000 In this time of chaos.

02:15:09.000 You can't discuss.

02:15:11.000 You can't discuss. 1.00

02:15:11.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:15:15.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:15:17.000 You know, you go, what gender? 1.00

02:15:18.000 And they go, I'll kill you! 1.00

02:15:19.000 And you're like, well, can't we just talk about it? 1.00

02:15:20.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:15:23.000 All right. 1.00

02:15:25.000 Well, tickle me Elmo.

02:15:27.000 It's a hot item. 1.00

02:15:28.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:15:29.000 Hold on, keep that song rolling. 1.00

02:15:30.000 This might be the worst one.

02:15:30.000 Put those headphones right on.

02:15:32.000 This is the best one we've ever done. 0.99

02:15:33.000 Dude, those drinks fucking rules. 0.99

02:15:35.000 Sorry. 1.00

02:15:36.000 Wow, Billy Joel looks weird.

02:15:39.000 Listen to me.

02:15:42.000 Oh, this is not Billy's strings at all.

02:15:45.000 That's terrifying.

02:15:46.000 Didn't he drive through a couple of playgrounds? 0.85

02:15:51.000 He's a real booze bag. 1.00

02:15:53.000 Bro, he was a bad motherfucker back in the day. 1.00

02:15:55.000 You don't understand. 1.00

02:15:55.000 Listen to this. 1.00

02:15:56.000 Give me some volume.

02:15:58.000 Here we go.

02:15:58.000 Here we go.

02:16:02.000 Oh, that is a good tune. 1.00

02:16:09.000 This is a fucking jam, son. 1.00

02:16:14.000 Bangin' L. McPherson. 1.00

02:16:16.000 Yeah, crazy.

02:16:18.000 Just a little push. 1.00

02:16:18.000 Ugly man, fuck the hottest chicks in the world. 1.00

02:16:20.000 He's like 5'5". 1.00

02:16:22.000 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of Protect Our Parks 10. No, there's gotta be 11. Mark Norman.

02:16:29.000 We have no idea the number.

02:16:31.000 Nah, it's all a blur.

02:16:32.000 Shane Gillis.

02:16:33.000 Ari Shafir and Joe Rogan signing off.

02:16:36.000 We love you.

02:16:38.000 Most importantly, we love America.

02:16:40.000 We would like the whole world to be America.

02:16:44.000 You'll be safer and happier!

02:16:50.000 Everybody's trying to move here.

02:16:51.000 We've got a lot of microphones coming.

02:16:52.000 We're going to start with Canada! 0.50

02:16:53.000 People like coming here.

02:16:55.000 We love you.

02:16:56.000 We love everybody.

02:16:57.000 Good night.

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