This week, the boys talk about coffee, sex, and sex toys. Also, we talk about sex toys, butthole lube, and a rubber vagina. We hope you enjoy this episode and stay tuned for next week's episode!
00:05:44.000And she's, you know, he's shoving his dick in her mouth with his triangle.
00:05:48.000And she's like literally throwing up all over his balls and his asshole.
00:05:52.000And I'm like, it said so much to me, though, that what kind of a strange world do we live in where it's so normal to just click a link and it takes you to a guy stuffing his dick into some chick's mouth and she's throwing up all over his balls and asshole.
00:06:25.000When I was in high school, the most you got is like Hustler, where they spread their pussy lips apart.
00:06:31.000You're like, wow, this bitch is crazy dirty.
00:06:33.000Like, they weren't even allowed to show penetration.
00:06:36.000They would show like a guy, they would have like a sex scene, and the guy would be like grabbing his dick to try to keep it hard and looking at her.
00:06:42.000And it would look totally fake and posed, and it didn't look like real sex at all.
00:06:47.000They, you know, it was hard to find pictures of fucked up things.
00:07:50.000You used to be able to beat off to something like that.
00:07:52.000Like you go, oh, look at that dirty bitch.
00:07:54.000But now it's like, these dudes are desensitized.
00:07:57.000Yeah, these kids are going to grow up and not going to be able to get off unless like somebody like goat sees them and like shits in their face and stuff like that.
00:08:30.000We go, before we even go home, let's go check out this fucking dude's, go to this, watch this dude's porn film.
00:08:35.000We walk in, and there's this one guy fucking this girl in the asshole, and the other guy's fucking this girl in the mouth, and they're spitting in her mouth.
00:11:24.000No, for sure, but not when you do it five times.
00:11:26.000For one shot, yeah, one shot a day, even two shots a day, maybe if you're feeling crazy, you know, you just got a text message from your ex-wife, and she's having a hard time with her husband, and you're thinking, I should fuck this dirty bitch.
00:11:38.000You know, I hate her, and she took all my money.
00:13:24.000You know, it has like a smart technology where it detects what a background is and what the main character is, and it tries to layer it, and it does a really good job, actually.
00:13:34.000I thought it was gonna be like bullshit, but it was like I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and it looked like it was made for 3D.
00:13:45.000Well, supposedly, they already invented the technology to do it, and what it does, it's like this grate that goes over your TV, and it detects where you're sitting in the room, and it kind of like splits the images up for you, like from left eye to right eye.
00:14:00.000And it makes it 3D, but it's too expensive right now.
00:14:02.000They said that in the next five to eight years, you'll start seeing it coming out.
00:14:06.000And then it will be integrated into the television and be a part of it.
00:14:09.000And what's weird about it is that you using the 3D, you immediately get it.
00:14:16.000Like, you're going to have a TV that's going to be three-dimensional soon, where it's going to look like you're a window, but you're going to be able to kind of, you know, it's crazy when you start really getting it.
00:15:12.000TVs today, you know, you go and look at these TVs and just think about how long ago it was that, you know, you had like this stupid looking like rounded circles, rounded edges on the corner, and it was big as fuck, and everybody had to help you move it.
00:16:29.000And human beings are the clearest example of that just based on our culture.
00:16:34.000If you look at just the shit that we have now in comparison to the things we had a few years ago and the movies, if you like watch movies and listen to songs from like the 40s and the 50s and then you listen to some new shit, even if you don't like most new shit or you think it's stupid or you think it's, I'm with you on all that.
00:16:52.000But just the technical level that they're able to, like the kind of music they're able to make now, you know, it's very, very different.
00:17:03.000Listen to a goddamn pink song and then try to go like back in time and listen to some Jefferson airplane and shit and see the like the how they recorded it.
00:17:11.000Even if you love that song, it's like they did a terrible job of like putting it all together.
00:17:16.000You know, like the evolution of music, the evolution of television shows.
00:18:00.000They don't want you to go over because if you go over just a little bit and everybody goes over just a little bit and you add that little bit all together, it's probably millions of dollars.
00:18:07.000No, but there should be a technology where it just turns it off at this time.
00:18:10.000Well, really the problem is the real technology issue is this fucking fuel issue.
00:18:15.000The real technology is the gasoline thing.
00:18:17.000We need gasoline to make every single thing on this earth and we need gasoline to move.
00:18:22.000That's the real technological, that's the hurdle.
00:18:25.000The hurdle isn't your last dollar when you're pre-paying for gas.
00:18:30.000The real hurdle is for the fucking oil.
00:19:08.000People don't even think about how possible that is.
00:19:10.000They could come up with some new way to fucking make hydrogen tomorrow and it would change everything, or some other new type of new way of making batteries that makes batteries last longer.
00:19:21.000They could figure out some weird shit, man, and then instantly everything changes.
00:19:24.000Yeah, battery technology is slow as fuck.
00:19:27.000I mean, Mac just released a new refresh of their MacBook this week, and it added two or three more hours to the last model.
00:21:38.000It makes any show or any movie look completely fake.
00:21:42.000Like when you watch, if you take Titanic and if you sit there with a movie camera and film Titanic, it looks like a movie because it's a movie camera.
00:21:50.000You take that same scene and record it with a video camera, it would look fake and kind of like cheap.
00:21:56.000That's what this does, though, to every show.
00:21:58.000So you sit there and watch Lost or anything, you'll get pissed off because it looks like a soap opera.
00:22:03.000Isn't that kind of weird that video, like people, they don't use video for things, and one of the reasons is because it makes stuff look fake.
00:25:16.000Plus, real actors look too human to me.
00:25:18.000I want a hobbit to be fucking weird looking.
00:25:20.000I don't want you to just be some dude wearing like furry shoes that look like feet.
00:25:24.000But yeah, I just watched Alice in Wonderland last night, and that was actually kind of cool how they took real characters, but they distorted them.
00:25:32.000They made their heads bigger and smaller.
00:28:30.000He might have just got to a real ugly spot.
00:28:32.000Tons of armpit hairs on all the chicks, too.
00:28:34.000What do you think, though, about all the...
00:28:38.000There's something I read on forums where women were complaining, saying, you know, that men should know that women have hair on their legs and armpits.
00:30:57.000Yeah, dark skin, like Brazil, you know, they're dark skinned and that's supposed to be because they have to deal with the hot sun and that kind of a climate.
00:31:05.000And if you go to places like Siberia, people are pretty fucking white.
00:31:08.000It's because no one's ever outside in the sun.
00:31:14.000So maybe if you're a person that like, you know, is like got super pale skin, it would be way easier to live in a place where it doesn't get sunny.
00:31:21.000You know, maybe there's like genetic needs.
00:32:35.000And apparently, Australia doesn't give a shit.
00:32:37.000But they have all these ads everywhere you go about being careful because if you go outside without sunscreen on, you could get skin cancer.
00:32:44.000So they have these really graphic skin cancer ads on the side of buses with stitches and shit.
00:32:49.000You see big pieces of meat cut out of people.
00:32:52.000Like where when you get cigarettes in like Canada and it shows like some guy with throat cancer on the back of your box.
00:34:54.000I mean, in the Thailand tsunami, the last big one that happened, very few animals died, man.
00:35:02.000If any, I think the animals all escaped.
00:35:04.000They all saw it coming and got the fuck out of Dodge, like way, way in advance.
00:35:08.000Because they don't have a language, I think that the Earth itself probably has some sort of a language.
00:35:13.000And if you have a language yourself, you know, like human beings do, we have this ability to communicate.
00:35:18.000We're so wrapped up in communicating with ourselves that we don't receive any communication from animals or from plants or from the world.
00:35:25.000You know, I'm not talking about like words, like dogs talk to you.
00:35:28.000But you ever meet a dog and you know you can't fuck with this dog?
00:35:32.000You never meet a dog and you're like, what's going on, buddy?
00:35:33.000And you're looking at him and he's looking at you and you're like, okay, let me get the fuck away from you.
00:35:37.000That dog is sending, there's somehow or another, I mean, it's not even his demeanor.
00:35:42.000He's not growling at you, but he's just giving you a look and you're getting a message.
00:35:48.000He's communicating with you, but you got all sorts of shit inside your head.
00:35:51.000The stock market and your divorce and your fucking homework and this and that and language and English and I'm learning Spanish and you got all this shit going on in your head.
00:36:00.000I bet the earth itself actually has like some sort of a way of communicating with beings and with animals that don't have languages.
00:36:09.000Like they can tune into shit that we can't tune into.
00:36:13.000That's how dogs can smell things and tune into things and I mean they have super, super, super powered senses.
00:36:19.000Yeah, but they can't sense that if they have cancer, you know?
00:38:07.000And you find out that literally, the percentage of people that move out here for even in the back of their head, they have some weird show biz dream.
00:38:17.000That's a completely unrealistic number.
00:38:19.000If you think about how many people there are out there that actually become famous from acting, especially acting, man.
00:38:25.000I mean, it's fucking, who's to say you're a good actor?
00:38:28.000How the hell do you get good at pretending to be someone you're not?
00:38:31.000You know, I mean, I guess there's some methods to it, and I guess, you know, it all depends on your personality, what kind of energy you're packing inside of you.
00:38:37.000But then somebody has to agree to put you in a movie, and somebody has to agree they like you, and what are the odds that's going to happen?
00:38:45.000So those people are all, they have these unrealized dreams, and that fucking chips away out of them.
00:38:51.000And then the reason why they wanted to be actors in the first place, a lot of them, is because they're fucked up because they didn't get any attention as a child.
00:39:00.000I was getting all broken up with this story.
00:39:02.000They didn't get any attention as a child, which is the same reason why people become comedians and any kind of extreme attention performer like that.
00:39:09.000So then you're dealing with so many people with that, so many people with problems, so many people that need to be fixed.
00:40:41.000And somehow or another, he dries himself out totally to 170, gets on the scale, and then rehydrates and gets to like 200 pounds by the time it comes to fight.
00:40:55.000I don't know how they do it, but it's dangerous.
00:40:58.000And when dudes are like at that last drop, you know, I mean, Tiago's never looked bad, but I've seen some guys look real bad.
00:41:06.000It's like Travis Luter once didn't make weight for the Anderson Silva fight, and he was trying to try and try, but he could not cut the weight for whatever reason.
00:41:13.000And he's walking towards the scale, and he was shuffling because he couldn't even pick his feet up, and his cheeks were all sunken in.
00:41:55.000I don't see how Miss America or Miss USA, but I guess one of them is like the cooler one and like Miss USA wishes she was Miss America or Miss America wishes she was Miss USA.
00:42:26.000All they are is a who I'd most like to fuck contest.
00:42:30.000And the fact that we still give a shit who wins the who I'd most like to fuck contest in 2010, that's very strange.
00:42:37.000And this one is very controversial because the last woman who was in the big controversy was that Carrie Prijon chick who hated gays or didn't want him to get married or whatever.
00:45:17.000We just should clarify for the broadcast.
00:45:19.000We don't know what exactly was on that tape, but apparently it was some shit that you're not supposed to do if you're Miss USA, which is hilarious.
00:45:26.000You're in a who I'd most like to fuck contest, and there can't even be a video of you out there fucking.
00:45:30.000We can assume that you fuck, but if you capture it on video, that's in violation and you're going to attract undue attention to our cause.
00:45:39.000Our cause of the Miss Who I'd Most Like to Fuck contest.
00:45:42.000Like, What the fuck is wrong with people?
00:45:46.000When I was in high school, I would go to Hooters and just be complete assholes.
00:45:50.000We would go, all right, since it's called Hooters, we're allowed to look at their Hooters.
00:45:54.000So we're just going to go in there and stare at their Hooters and not even look at their face as a joke.
00:49:20.000You were the one that made me feel bad about it because when we were at the comedy store, I flicked it on the ground and you were just like, pick that up.
00:53:06.000That was the really uncomfortable scene where Quentin Tarantino tried to be down and said the word nigger to Samuel Jackson and kept saying it.
00:53:32.000And it was so like him living out some weird white boy fantasy where he wants to be able to say nigger to a black guy because he wrote it in a script.
00:53:47.000And he just came off such a, like a dick.
00:53:52.000I've seen him come off really cool in interviews, and I've seen him come on off like a dick, but I think he's a volatile guy because he's a creative guy and he's probably super fucking busy all the time, man, a lot of stress.
00:54:02.000And if you catch him at the wrong time and you're trying to talk shit to him and be stupid, he's very likely to talk shit back to you and come off all douchey.
00:54:09.000But you've got to think, what's the situation?
00:54:11.000It's not him forcing his doucheiness on someone.
00:54:14.000It's someone wanting to videotape him when he doesn't want to be videotaped.
00:54:43.000He claims that there was like a movie that Quentin Tarantino did, where he was a star in the movie, where he had this whole scene about Top Gun.
00:56:53.000I'll put it in your chat on the U stream.
00:56:56.000But if you look at the other videos, like the related videos, like Quentin Tarantino spits on some guy, spits on a reporter.
00:57:04.000Well, he doesn't like to be fucked with, maybe.
00:57:07.000That guy just came up to him with a camera, and he wouldn't tell him what it was about, and he's just sticking a camera in his face.
00:57:11.000And maybe he felt like he was being violated, and he felt like that guy was a dickhead.
00:57:15.000You know, I mean, look, I could see his point.
00:57:18.000Look, when someone's fucking with you like that, you know, they don't always catch you in the most perfect of moods.
00:57:26.000You know, I mean, he could easily be involved in some big, stressful fucking thing with some movie he's doing, and he's in the middle of this shit, and then he steps outside and some guy's got a camera in his face.
00:57:53.000Well, Pulp Fiction was an awesome movie, but I don't know.
00:57:56.000The whole Roger Avery thing is unfortunate.
00:57:59.000Roger Avery says that that whole Top Gun rant was like his rant and that Tarantino, he said it in front of Tarantino and Tarantino went and put it in a movie.
00:58:08.000But Tarantino, that's what he does, kind of like with his movies.
00:58:11.000A lot of his movies are like old stories that he kind of like redoes, right?
00:58:15.000Well, you've been, we were talking about earlier about the Hurt Locker, how that guy's suing the writer of The Hurt Locker, saying that he took a article that he did for Playboy, I guess, about his time in the bomb squad and they re-wrote it into The movie The Hurt Locker.
00:58:55.000And what's crazy even is the creator of those movies are supposedly going to sue thousands of BitTorrent users, people that have downloaded the movie illegally on the internet, and they're going to go after all these users, which I thought was very metallic-y.
00:59:52.000If you go see a band, say if you download a band's MP3s and you got them, you know, off LimeWire or some shit, and then you go, well, I'm going to go support these guys.
01:01:16.000It's like if you got in trouble and they're like, all right, you're going to go to court for $100,000, but you have 24 hours to buy this movie on DVD.
01:01:23.000Yeah, that's actually a good move, right?
01:01:34.000It's a tricky argument because, you know, what's going on on the internet now is that anything can be broken down to ones and zeros.
01:01:41.000I mean, these images, these videos, these song files, these audio files, it's all just ones and zeros flying through the tubes.
01:01:49.000And anybody can put it up there and anybody can pull it down.
01:01:53.000And when you can convert a movie and you do all the time into something digital that's downloadable, it's like, how the fuck do you control that?
01:02:02.000You have to just hope that you make enough money when the movie's out and that enough people get excited about it to buy the DVD for all the extra features and all that shit.
01:02:11.000But then people take the DVDs after they're released and they put those up.
01:02:14.000What I don't get is a friend of ours actually just got a letter from their ISP saying that ABC has caught them for downloading a bunch.
01:03:56.000They get your IP from that, or they find out your ISP?
01:03:59.000Your ISP is your internet service provider, and the internet protocol is your specific number that everyone that gets online, if you don't know this, you have a very specific number.
01:04:07.000It could be static or it could fluctuate.
01:04:11.000It could fluctuate if you have dial-up.
01:04:12.000Like every time you do it, you get a different IP, right?
01:04:14.000So what it is, it's these movie places putting out their own torrents and seeds and collecting IP addresses from, like, they'll put their own movies out.
01:04:35.000I think that's a lot of it, though, is a lot of it is if you download, like I downloaded an Eminem CD once, and it was like all these songs were loops.
01:04:43.000And I think it was like, there's like bait, you know.
01:04:45.000So they put out shitty versions of it.
01:05:04.000If you download music illegally, I'll kick your ass.
01:05:09.000That to me sounds like you know, just the fact that they're doing that, putting out bogus versions of it or versions of their shit where they can track you from, you know, that sound, and that's that's that's ridiculous.
01:05:21.000They're just trying to arrest people and scare people now.
01:05:25.000I think putting out versions of it to track people, like really, that's like, that's like you're putting out the bait.
01:05:31.000You're putting it out there, you know, even if people are already downloading it, you're actually putting it out there hoping people will do things illegally with it.
01:05:42.000There's a funny story, man, about these undercover cops that arrested other undercover cops.
01:05:48.000There was this whole drug deal that was set up between these undercover cops that were posing as drug dealers and these other undercover cops that were posing as buyers to the drugs.
01:09:47.000The whole thing is very funny that people even give a shit.
01:09:49.000Follow this poor young kid that's all fucked up on drugs.
01:09:53.000And everybody thinks it's a funny deal.
01:09:56.000Do you know what you would be like if you were hot and you were Lindsey Lohan, you were 23 years old and you're a multi-multi-fucking millionaire just out there doing drugs, getting stuffed every night?
01:11:35.000So, back to this fucking Miss America, because what I want to talk about is how many people are upset that this Miss America chick is Armenian, I guess.
01:12:21.000Like, how dumb are people that that becomes an issue?
01:12:25.000And that are people that are actually debating whether or not she got this job, she became Miss USA, because of political correctness and the open border Nazis.
01:12:36.000Like, look at some of this shit that these people have said.
01:12:38.000Like, this chick, right-wing pundit and Fox contributor, Michelle Malkin, ranted that the girl's name is Falki F-A-K-I-H.
01:12:54.000Faki's cheerleaders are too busy touting the identity politics horn to care what comes out of her mouth and that the Miss USA pageant didn't want to risk the wrath of the open borders mob.
01:13:10.000So you're saying that one of the other chicks should have won the Who I'd Most Like the Fuck contest, and you're upset that this chick won because the reason why she won is because everybody's super sensitive and wants to support Arabs?
01:13:44.000So you're saying that anybody, even someone who grows up and goes to Catholic school, they can't be on the team because somewhere in their past, there's someone who lives in some other part of the world and those people are still there.
01:14:14.000And the fact that they would actually argue that she doesn't deserve to win the who I'd most like the fuck contest because of that.
01:14:21.000I mean, if she was fat and disgusting, you know, if she was like some Susan Boyle looking chick and it was totally ridiculous, then I could see the argument.
01:14:28.000But how the fuck could you argue that that chick's not hot?
01:15:40.000He's a ruthless motherfucker businessman.
01:15:41.000And when you're like that and super shrewd and ruthless, you want conservative politics.
01:15:45.000You want people that are protecting your money.
01:15:47.000You want, you know, to be able to do things that are going to earn you money.
01:15:50.000You don't want to have to hear about liberals and whininess and fucking environmental freaks and all these assholes that are going to stop you from making a good return this quarter.
01:16:26.000I like it just to know that there's people out there like that.
01:16:28.000When I hear Bill O'Reilly and his fucking dumb smugness, I'm like, there's really a guy out there like that that is that satisfied with himself.
01:16:36.000And he's his fucking dildo that got busted, leaving a message on his assistant's machine about how hot she is.
01:16:55.000And these people enjoy watching this fucking buffoon rant and rave and yell at people who go on a show and have dissenting opinions.
01:17:03.000Did you ever see that one where he went on about some kid whose parents died in 9-11 and he was saying that it was the kid was saying that this is Bush's fault and the reason why they're attacking us.
01:17:12.000And he just fucking went off on the kid.
01:18:16.000Which is like, you can't prove there's no Cheshire Cat.
01:18:19.000You can't prove there's no, there's nothing, you can't prove anything.
01:18:22.000You can never not prove, you know, especially when it comes to things like people, like science has never disproven, you know, the existence of Christ.
01:19:08.000So this guy, you know, has a huge presence on that network, and he's got, you know, he's got the number one show on cable when it comes to like those kind of stupid new shows.
01:21:16.000It was just like, are you really serious?
01:21:18.000Have you seen that video clip where the black guy is sitting with these three white chicks and they're talking about some new Graftenberg spot shot?
01:23:32.000You're just going to stick your little fucking three-quarter hard, sad, little depressed boner in there and thinking about going to therapy.
01:23:40.000And maybe I should take antidepressants.
01:23:42.000Maybe I just need to start yoga and jogging.
01:25:08.000They can make a fake dick if you're a chick.
01:25:10.000Apparently, Chassity Bono, who used to be shit when she is still Cher's daughter, but now she's a boy because she went through a sexual reassignment and they give her a bunch of hormones and they make her a dick.
01:25:55.000But what about the possibility that throughout their life, they've just experienced so much sorrow and so much stress and so many fucked up situations and so much trauma in their life.
01:26:07.000And on top of that, they're probably gay and they're probably, or at the very least, bisexual.
01:26:48.000And then from others, I think others are just, you know, that's, they're just, I mean, look, there's a broad spectrum of human behavior.
01:26:54.000It's very, very, very, very, very likely to me that somehow or another, just someone gets a wacky gene and they just, shit, why don't I have a vagina?
01:27:12.000I don't remember what the movie was, but there was some movie where this guy and a tranny were yelling at each other, you know, and she's like, and the tranny was yelling at the guy, and the guy goes, you don't even have a dick anymore.
01:31:24.000What kind of odiferous reaction are you going to get when you get near her panties?
01:31:30.000Oh, the funk of the 1970s of a fucking just animal hair.
01:31:37.000Just fur and butthole and the inability to completely clean everything because there's hair all around your butthole.
01:31:44.000So every time you're fucking her, just a slight smell of shit every single time.
01:31:49.000Especially when sweat starts dripping down there and those big fat meaty thighs start heating up and body wants to cool them down.
01:31:56.000That perspiration drips down to her butthole and it just wafts up some fresh new fumes.
01:32:02.000And it's pussy funk and old butthole hairs and fucking toilet paper dingle berries and your nuts slapping against it all and just like your fan in the fires.
01:32:16.000And then right when you're about to bust a nut, you look down at her hairy feet.
01:33:01.000There was this cute waitress that Brian was flirting with and she was coming talking to him and she gave him a drink and she said, I'll be back to talk to you in a minute.
01:33:09.000And Brian was so shit-faced that he leaned back and closed his eyes and this haggard old wizard woman, this witch, this bitch just appeared out of nowhere.
01:34:59.000So he's tonguing this chick, and then he looks at her, and he looks at her, and he goes like this.
01:35:08.000In the middle of it, in the middle of it, he goes, he looks at her, and then he just turns away, and she's like touching his face and everything.
01:36:34.000It seemed like you were punking us, like you were doing a sketch, like you had hired this actress to come in to make out with you just to freak us out.
01:36:41.000I remember looking at your guys' faces and you were recording me for one.
01:42:04.000Yeah, there's something about planes, man.
01:42:06.000Even if you sleep on a plane, even if you go and you come back, there's something about just getting up there, traveling, and coming back that leaves you feeling fucked up.
01:42:15.000You just definitely feel a little off.
01:42:31.000I don't think it's that because I actually saw a report saying that that recycled air is some of the best air and it's actually just like an old wise tale that it's bad for you.
01:42:40.000It's actually the filtering system in those planes are so amazing.
01:43:10.000You know, I was thinking about this the other day.
01:43:12.000It's kind of on subject, but about workouts, where you say, like, how, you know, how you can't even imagine.
01:43:18.000Like, to me, when I forget who it is, Jimmy Kimmel was talking about this the other day where he's, when he gets done working out, he does not feel great.
01:44:27.000See, I was just wondering, like, because like I've heard you talk about it before, and then Kimmel was talking about it, how it is the exact opposite for him.
01:44:34.000And I'm like, yeah, that's the same way.
01:44:35.000Well, no one can tell you how your body works.
01:44:38.000Everybody's body has its own different thing.
01:44:40.000Everybody's body works differently at different levels of efficiency.
01:44:44.000And some people's bodies need extreme amounts of exertion.
01:44:49.000And mine could be because I grew up doing it.
01:44:52.000Because my whole life, I mean, there's never been a time in my life, except like in between surgeries, there's never been a time in my life where I didn't have some sort of extreme exertion, whether it's kickboxing or jiu-jitsu or lifting weights or boxing for a while.
01:45:12.000My body's always been forced to behave a certain way.
01:45:16.000And when your body's forced to behave like that for over 20 years, you know, it becomes accustomed to it.
01:45:22.000And when I take a few days off, like I take three or four days off, I have this buildup of energy where my body is used to producing a certain amount of energy.
01:47:32.000I would get fucking sad if I was a chick and I wanted to be a dude and I'm putting this rubber dick on.
01:47:39.000I'm like, how great would it be if I really fucking had one?
01:47:42.000And I could really just fuck the shit out of you with my real dick instead of this rubber thing that I gotta tie on and strap in place and it wiggles and doesn't.
01:47:51.000But yet scissoring would probably feel good because you have two open sores rubbing against each other.
01:48:46.000I mean, it's, that's, and it's a, it's a staple of our life and it's this big important part of our desires and our motivation to do things.
01:48:54.000But really, it's just a trick to make people, you know, and that that trick has got to be set up correctly.
01:49:00.000I mean, you know, people have been around for a fucking million years in this form.
01:50:29.000We got a soundboard now connected to two laptops connected to this high-level mp3 recorder jammy, and it's all just mishmashed in a fucking sea of wires.
01:53:19.000It's so weird that you're allowed to like go up to it and touch it and see it.
01:53:24.000I wonder how many things existed that there are not fossils of.
01:53:28.000Because one of the things when you start reading things about fossils and about, you know, archaeologists and all these different people like trying to dig up the past is that it's really difficult to make a fossil.
01:53:41.000Like fossils don't just happen all the time.
01:53:43.000Like an animal has to get trapped in mud.
01:53:45.000They have to die in some sort of a landslide or something.
01:53:48.000They have to be somehow or another preserved, which usually doesn't happen.
01:53:52.000Usually when someone dies, they rot and their bones get eaten up by animals and their tissue gets eaten up by animals and bacteria and then they're gone.
01:54:34.000Wouldn't it be more, wouldn't it be incredible?
01:54:36.000And maybe this would be possible someday, if they figure out, like, say if they make a model of the Earth, like they know what existed as far as if you could do like a core sample of the Earth, you can determine like what the temperature was like, what the environment was like, what animals and plants existed.
01:54:56.000And what if they could put all this data into a computer?
01:54:59.000What if they could put like core samples and what we know about climatological change, all this shit, put it into a computer with the known, all the known animals that exist today and literally run a computer program that goes backwards in evolution and takes us to what existed tens of thousands of years ago, 100,000 years ago, a million years ago, 10 million years ago.
01:55:21.000And you have to account for known asteroid impacts, known craters, known things that probably wiped out almost everything.
01:55:29.000They're going to get to a point in time computationally, scientifically, technologically, where they are literally able to recreate the past with a computer.
01:56:19.000If Brian died tomorrow and my daughter woke up or came out of the pussy and looked at me and went like this, hey, hang out with me at the strip club.
01:56:29.000Yeah, and started saying things that Brian says, like first words, like shit Brian says all the time.
01:57:32.000If they can figure out a way to make some sort of a reproduction of the human mind, some sort of a computer that actually, whether it's a software or hardware issue, where you reproduce all the functions of a human brain and then somehow or another download consciousness into that computer.
01:57:54.000And you could literally exist in a bunch of different fucking computers.
01:58:00.000That would be very strange if it was all happening.
01:58:02.000Say if you downloaded your consciousness into computers, but your consciousness was still attached to those computers.
01:58:08.000So instead of you being able to live a different life inside this computer, what if that life is going on at the same time, like an echo in your head, and everything you do is like doubled and tripled.
01:58:20.000And it's like you go fucking crazy because your consciousness is in a bunch of different computers and all these different things are going on at the same time, but it's all inside your head and you can't fucking get away and you ruined it.
01:58:29.000So you got to find the computers that have your consciousness in it and fucking kill them just to stop the madness in your head because there's a fucking crazy echo because you're living a thousand different lives all at once inside fucking computers.
01:59:28.000I'm not doing comedy when I'm coming to Vancouver this time because I was supposed to do the Red Robinson Theater, but apparently they have some sort of a corporate thing that they booked out for three days in a row, and they can't cancel it.
01:59:40.000And that's the only time I'm going to be there.
01:59:42.000And they didn't want me doing another club because I always do their club.
02:01:12.000I mean, I feel bad, but also, like, if I was selling marijuana seeds, I would know that, hey, there's a slight chance that I could be fucked somehow.
02:02:37.000People are getting busted, like they're breaking open private poker games, and cops are coming and taking money and shit.
02:02:43.000I've read a bunch of stories about shit like this happening, where people are getting in trouble for gambling, playing poker with their own money.
02:02:50.000I mean, it's one of the reasons why you have to go to these goddamn Indian, not that there's anything wrong with an Indian casino, but you have to go to Indian casinos.
02:02:56.000You can't have a casino down the street from your house.
02:03:01.000And you only play certain games in them, you know.
02:03:03.000I mean, there's a lot of them in California, and there's Bellflower, and there's a few, but in most parts of the country, it's very difficult to find casinos.
02:03:10.000And you can't play poker online because it's illegal.
02:03:13.000So if you want to play online, you have to go through a third party.
02:03:16.000And it's like you have to send your money to someplace.
02:03:24.000If you got in trouble for doing it the way you're doing it, even if you do it through a third party, you could probably get some Sort of a fine or something for it.
02:03:31.000I mean, I don't know what they could do to you, but it's illegal.
02:03:34.000But meanwhile, the government has a fucking lottery.
02:03:36.000I mean, you know, the lottery is the worst odds available ever for gambling.
02:03:40.000You ever be stuck behind someone who's a lottery addict?
02:03:43.000Some poor fucking lady was in front of me the other day at the gas station, and I'm getting a Gatorade with my gas.
02:06:05.000And you got to protect yourself and set up a bunch of different shit so that they'd only take a small slice out of your pie.
02:06:11.000You know, you got to move to Nevada or open a corporation or do a bunch of different stupid things so that you can have less money out there that they get to steal from you.
02:06:21.000Or are you just taking an ass like me and just give them all the money that they're going to be doing?
02:06:25.000Yeah, you got audited like a motherfucker.
02:08:36.000That's why when you hear about crazy no-bid contracts and that they're in bed with these fucking Halliburton and all these different companies that are getting these crazy fucking contracts and then money winds up missing and they can't account for billions of dollars.
02:08:59.000When it comes to this bank thing, this whole bank bailout thing, when you look at the money and they talk about $700 billion and all this money flying left and right and people still getting bonuses, is it really, do they have an accounting system for all this?
02:09:15.000I mean, can we really tell where your tax dollars went to this bailout and how it was used?
02:09:19.000They don't even have to fucking tell you.
02:09:38.000wait a minute these bankers set it up do you know that they were shorting they were making sure that they were protected on both ends they were selling clients a certain stock and then gambling that that stock was gonna fail you should probably not talk about the irs i should probably be quiet right that's amazing duncan trussell to give me the best advice don't talk about the irs look it is i'm talking about the whole System, man.
02:10:03.000It's just, it's incredible that it's set up that way and that politicians don't do a goddamn thing to change it.
02:10:08.000Obama was swearing before he got into office that he was going to end no-bid contracts.
02:10:13.000And he just gave the former company known as Halliburton, I guess they changed their name to something else, but he just gave them some $500 million no-bid deal, exactly what he said he wouldn't do.
02:15:10.000Things like that make me not want to stick a q-tip in my ear.
02:15:13.000But I couldn't imagine if, you know, I had a cigarette thing.
02:15:16.000If I had a cigarette thing and I was living with someone who's smoking all the time, especially when they're stressed out and they fucking fire that cigarette up.
02:15:25.000And you see the relaxation come across their face.
02:18:58.000They say the Pacific Northwest is due, too.
02:19:00.000They were talking about that in some paper I read about Oregon, that Oregon's due for another fucking gigantic blast.
02:19:06.000Anyway, there's a fucking hole in the universe, son.
02:19:09.000The universe is populated with visible stars, gas, and dust, but most of the matter in the universe is invisible.
02:19:14.000Scientists know something is there because they can measure the gravitational effects of the so-called dark matter.
02:19:20.000Voids exist, but they are typically relatively small.
02:19:23.000Well, this fucking void, this gargantuan hole, was found by examining observations made by using the Very Large Array, the VLA telescope, in Chile, funded by the National Science Foundation.
02:19:36.000Yeah, there's some shit out there, folks.
02:19:37.000There's so much more shit out there than we have mapped out and understand.
02:19:43.000It's one of the reasons why we tune into Fox News.
02:19:46.000It's one of the reasons why we're fascinated by who Tiger Woods is fucking, because the universe itself is too scary and too much of a just gigantic reminder that we ain't shit.
02:19:55.000And with that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into the podcast.
02:20:10.000If you think about how much money you spend on dates with girls that you don't like, hoping that you can fuck them, when you could save that and reuse that flashlight over and over and over again, people are like, oh, you've got to clean it.
02:20:39.000It's weird and it's taking a long time.
02:20:42.000It takes a long time to write, to actually write something out.
02:20:44.000It would have been probably way easier if I tried to transcribe it and just talk, but use maybe a dictation program or something like that.
02:20:52.000I think it's better to, But when you do just write things out, you're forced to edit them, and you're forced to go over them again and see the poetry of each sentence.
02:21:03.000It's much, much better for reading, I think, if you actually write it out.
02:21:07.000If you actually just talk it, sometimes it's not going to be as smooth as if you've reviewed it.
02:21:45.000And I told you about the upcoming dates in June in Canada and in the Irvine Improv, and then July 2nd in Las Vegas at the House of Blues will be a fucking party.
02:21:56.000Looks like Sam Tripley is doing that with me.