The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #21 - Brian Redban

00:00:00.000 And action, ladies and gentlemen, in response to your complaints about the horrible audio quality, we figured it all out, folks.

00:00:11.000 We have, first of all, we have these mics that you have to hold.

00:00:14.000 We're going to hold them this week.

00:00:15.000 Next week, we're going to have these little clip-on things.

00:00:17.000 But we have a mixer now, and we're listening to headphones, and we understand your complaints.

00:00:23.000 See, the problem was these things, these microphones were in stands, and they were over here. 0.54

00:00:28.000 And it makes a huge fucking difference how it sounds here and here. 0.84

00:00:32.000 It's not me, buddy. 0.98

00:00:34.000 It's you, fella.

00:00:38.000 Someone always has the laptop on, the volume on.

00:00:41.000 But we're live.

00:00:42.000 And...

00:00:43.000 What is that?

00:00:47.000 We're live.

00:00:48.000 And, uh...

00:00:50.000 It's not me, fella.

00:00:51.000 It's you.

00:00:52.000 Oh, it's my other computer, too.

00:00:55.000 We had two computers that were on.

00:00:57.000 Hold on one second.

00:01:00.000 Yeah.

00:01:03.000 So how's it sounding, guys, that are in there?

00:01:06.000 It should be nice and loud, I would imagine.

00:01:10.000 Much, much better.

00:01:12.000 Okay.

00:01:14.000 We're back.

00:01:15.000 Sorry.

00:01:16.000 Sorry for everything being retarded. 1.00

00:01:17.000 I'm drinking coffee that came out of an animal's ass. 0.99

00:01:20.000 Oh, that's one of those ones where they filter it through, like, something. 0.99

00:01:23.000 It's called Kopi Luwak.

00:01:25.000 That's the name of the coffee.

00:01:27.000 And there's an animal called a palm civet.

00:01:31.000 And this animal eats these coffee beans, eats the bean itself, you know, like it looks like a little fruit.

00:01:39.000 Shits it out.

00:01:40.000 And then they take them and clean them, I guess. 0.97

00:01:44.000 Hopefully they clean them.

00:01:45.000 And then they make coffee out of it.

00:01:46.000 And it's smoother coffee.

00:01:48.000 It's like a different, it's sort of a different flavor to it because it went through this animal's digestive tract.

00:01:55.000 Now, if the animal ate a lot of berries and stuff, does it have like hints of other different things in it?

00:02:02.000 It just tastes like coffee.

00:02:03.000 I mean, it's really kind of gross when you think about it.

00:02:06.000 But I was curious.

00:02:07.000 I had it once before.

00:02:08.000 Remember Tate and I, we were in Florida and they had it at a restaurant and I'd heard about it, so we tried it out.

00:02:13.000 Apparently, whatever the stomach acids or whatever it is inside the civet's body changes the actual chemical structure of the coffee.

00:02:21.000 And it just makes it much smoother.

00:02:23.000 And it's okay.

00:02:25.000 You know, I mean, it's not really... 0.99

00:02:30.000 Fuck yeah, it's super expensive. 0.99

00:02:31.000 It's way more expensive than regular coffee. 1.00

00:02:34.000 Way more.

00:02:34.000 I remember the restaurant was like $90 a cup.

00:02:37.000 Something stupid like that. 1.00

00:02:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:42.000 Animal butt. 0.94

00:02:43.000 How's it sounding for everyone? 0.88

00:02:44.000 What's the people saying?

00:02:46.000 I think it's sounded good.

00:02:47.000 I think we're golden with this thing. 1.00

00:02:49.000 This shit is so much louder. 1.00

00:02:51.000 Cool. 1.00

00:02:52.000 Seems louder.

00:02:53.000 Yeah, it's way, way, way, way better.

00:02:55.000 So anyway.

00:02:57.000 Sponsored by Fleshlight, by the way.

00:02:58.000 I haven't talked that. 0.99

00:03:00.000 Sponsored by a rubber vagina. 1.00

00:03:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:02.000 Did you ever fuck the asshole one? 1.00

00:03:04.000 No. 1.00

00:03:04.000 No? 1.00

00:03:05.000 I don't think that's necessary.

00:03:06.000 Well, it's just tighter.

00:03:07.000 It might feel good.

00:03:07.000 It doesn't have to be, you know.

00:03:09.000 Fleshlight's tight enough.

00:03:10.000 Yeah.

00:03:11.000 I think it's good. 0.77

00:03:12.000 I don't think you need the butthole one. 1.00

00:03:14.000 Unless you're just a freak and your wife won't let you have the butthole. 1.00

00:03:17.000 You can have a rubber butthole. 1.00

00:03:18.000 You know, she should be happy. 1.00

00:03:20.000 You get your butthole fantasies out of the way. 0.98

00:03:22.000 Did you know about the bottom that it unscrews and it's like a suction? 1.00

00:03:26.000 Because I didn't know the first time I fucked it. 1.00

00:03:28.000 It was like this really suction, like crazy blowjob. 1.00

00:03:32.000 And it was like too much, too intense. 1.00

00:03:34.000 He couldn't take it because Brian's got a giant hog.

00:03:37.000 It was hitting the back. 1.00

00:03:38.000 Brian's got a fucking oatmeal Quaker Oats box. 1.00

00:03:41.000 That's his dick. 1.00

00:03:42.000 And so then I unscrewed it and I guess that adds like air to it and makes it a lot better. 1.00

00:03:46.000 So you get to fuck a slut. 1.00

00:03:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:47.000 So that's either a tight girl or a slut or a big giant slut. 1.00

00:03:51.000 Right. 1.00

00:03:51.000 And by the way, it was awesome. 1.00

00:03:52.000 I fucking love it. 0.81

00:03:55.000 What's crazy though is that at first I started out putting a bunch of juice in it and then it was just whatever that oil is. 0.97

00:04:03.000 The lube. 0.99

00:04:03.000 I'm like, what are you fucking oranges and shit? 0.99

00:04:05.000 What are you doing? 1.00

00:04:06.000 I wasn't that impressed.

00:04:07.000 I was just like, all right, this is just too much.

00:04:10.000 So then you took the lube down. 0.98

00:04:11.000 Took it down a notch and now it's fucking fantastic. 0.99

00:04:13.000 Perfect, huh? 0.98

00:04:14.000 So you have a formula to use.

00:04:15.000 How many squirts of lube?

00:04:17.000 Just a teeny bit around the lips of it.

00:04:18.000 Really?

00:04:19.000 That's it.

00:04:19.000 Yeah.

00:04:20.000 That's all you need.

00:04:20.000 Yeah, it's that they're water.

00:04:21.000 Get the party started.

00:04:22.000 Right.

00:04:23.000 Do you ever spit on it if you're feeling dirty? 1.00

00:04:26.000 Fucking whore and then stick it right back on there. 1.00

00:04:29.000 No, but you know, I tried warming it up in the microwave. 1.00

00:04:31.000 Oh, you're not supposed to do that?

00:04:33.000 No, no, no, the juice.

00:04:34.000 Oh, the liquid stuff.

00:04:35.000 I put it in a cup. 1.00

00:04:36.000 It's like, you're going to melt it and stick your dick in there. 1.00

00:04:38.000 It's going to fucking fuse to your dick, then hot molten plastic. 1.00

00:04:41.000 You'd be screaming third-degree burns all over your dick. 1.00

00:04:45.000 Could you imagine? 1.00

00:04:46.000 Somebody must have. 1.00

00:04:47.000 Somebody must have nuked something, got it too hot, fucked it, and ruined their dick. 1.00

00:04:52.000 That's happened. 1.00

00:04:53.000 Totally, totally.

00:04:54.000 If you thought about it, it's happened.

00:04:56.000 It's like I was saying, I put this picture up on my Twitter the other day.

00:04:59.000 Somebody sent me this Twitter.

00:05:01.000 Hey, Joe, have you ever seen a triangle like this before?

00:05:04.000 So I click on it, thinking that it's probably a guy caught somebody in a triangle.

00:05:08.000 Well, sorta.

00:05:10.000 What it is, is this site called ghetto gaggers.com.

00:05:14.000 Do you know that site?

00:05:15.000 No.

00:05:15.000 It's a site that is dedicated to...

00:05:28.000 And so I tuned into this picture.

00:05:29.000 I clicked this link this guy sends me.

00:05:31.000 And it's this white nerdy dude with these pale, skinny white legs with black socks and black sneakers on. 0.76

00:05:38.000 And he's got a no-arm triangle like this around this chick's head. 1.00

00:05:43.000 This chick's head is like right here. 1.00

00:05:44.000 And she's, you know, he's shoving his dick in her mouth with his triangle. 1.00

00:05:48.000 And she's like literally throwing up all over his balls and his asshole. 1.00

00:05:52.000 And I'm like, it said so much to me, though, that what kind of a strange world do we live in where it's so normal to just click a link and it takes you to a guy stuffing his dick into some chick's mouth and she's throwing up all over his balls and asshole. 1.00

00:06:11.000 And all I do is giggle. 1.00

00:06:12.000 All I do is go, haha, you got me, you fuck. 1.00

00:06:15.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:06:16.000 I mean, if this was just 10 or 20 years ago, that picture would fucking freak you out. 0.92

00:06:22.000 There was no pictures like that. 0.99

00:06:25.000 When I was in high school, the most you got is like Hustler, where they spread their pussy lips apart. 1.00

00:06:31.000 You're like, wow, this bitch is crazy dirty. 1.00

00:06:33.000 Like, they weren't even allowed to show penetration. 1.00

00:06:36.000 They would show like a guy, they would have like a sex scene, and the guy would be like grabbing his dick to try to keep it hard and looking at her. 1.00

00:06:42.000 And it would look totally fake and posed, and it didn't look like real sex at all. 0.99

00:06:47.000 They, you know, it was hard to find pictures of fucked up things. 0.98

00:06:52.000 But now. 0.93

00:06:53.000 What's the link?

00:06:54.000 What's the website?

00:06:55.000 Ghetto Gaggers. 0.97

00:06:56.000 Ghetto Gaggers. 0.97

00:06:58.000 If you just go to twitter.com slash Joe Rogan and look at my past tweets, you'll find that a few days ago.

00:07:05.000 I forget how many days ago it was. 0.99

00:07:07.000 But this motherfucker got me with this picture. 0.99

00:07:10.000 It's just so crazy that it's so easy to find images like that. 0.99

00:07:14.000 There's so many out there. 0.99

00:07:16.000 Kids today, dude, they're growing up in a totally different fucking world. 0.99

00:07:20.000 A world where you can click a link. 0.98

00:07:22.000 I mean, how many kids subscribed to my Twitter? 1.00

00:07:24.000 How many kids clicked that link and went to that guy stuffing his dick in that ghetto girl's mouth and she's throwing up all these shit? 1.00

00:07:32.000 Half of it's not fair. 1.00

00:07:32.000 And I wonder if it's like, because I mean, I got off with like Sears catalog looking at underwear ads and stuff like that. 1.00

00:07:38.000 And now you can just see the inside of a girl's asshole, you know, anytime you want to get it. 1.00

00:07:42.000 Yeah, I used to be able to beat off to like a workout like VHS cover, you know, of like a girl bent over, you know, trying to look sexy. 1.00

00:07:50.000 Right.

00:07:50.000 You used to be able to beat off to something like that.

00:07:52.000 Like you go, oh, look at that dirty bitch. 1.00

00:07:54.000 But now it's like, these dudes are desensitized. 1.00

00:07:57.000 Yeah, these kids are going to grow up and not going to be able to get off unless like somebody like goat sees them and like shits in their face and stuff like that. 0.99

00:08:03.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:08:04.000 Some people do get to like really crazy points where the only thing that gets them off is like really fucked up shit. 0.99

00:08:04.000 Because they're starting off. 0.99

00:08:10.000 There's porn that caters just to those dudes. 1.00

00:08:13.000 I told you about the time that Tate and I went to see a porno being taped.

00:08:16.000 We walked in.

00:08:17.000 We walked in.

00:08:18.000 This is this dude Salami that we used to do jiu-jitsu with.

00:08:21.000 Great guy.

00:08:22.000 And he was directing porn. 0.88

00:08:25.000 And he told us, come by, I'm doing this shot. 0.58

00:08:26.000 Come by.

00:08:27.000 Check it out.

00:08:27.000 So, all right, we're on our way back from a gig.

00:08:30.000 Land at the airport. 1.00

00:08:30.000 We go, before we even go home, let's go check out this fucking dude's, go to this, watch this dude's porn film. 1.00

00:08:35.000 We walk in, and there's this one guy fucking this girl in the asshole, and the other guy's fucking this girl in the mouth, and they're spitting in her mouth. 1.00

00:08:42.000 Everyone's spitting in her mouth. 1.00

00:08:44.000 Both guys and the director. 0.81

00:08:46.000 And he was like, grab her by the hair, spit in her mouth, and this guy'll spit in her mouth. 0.99

00:08:50.000 I mean, it was like, it was fucking, it was rough, man. 1.00

00:08:55.000 The guy's fucking her in the asshole, and then he stuffs it in her pussy, and he goes, yeah, I went from your asshole to your pussy. 1.00

00:09:00.000 That's real fucking healthy. 1.00

00:09:02.000 I'm like, whoa. 0.98

00:09:04.000 I remember. 0.94

00:09:05.000 What kind of porn is this, man? 1.00

00:09:06.000 I remember watching porn and then first seeing like how, like, you know, people spitting on the girl's crotch before fucking in. 1.00

00:09:11.000 And so I tried it with my ex-girlfriend back in the day. 0.99

00:09:14.000 She got mad at it. 0.97

00:09:15.000 She says, did you just spit on my crotch? 1.00

00:09:18.000 I was so drunk. 1.00

00:09:19.000 I think I goobed on her crotch. 1.00

00:09:21.000 I didn't just spit. 0.98

00:09:22.000 I was like, I was like, and then I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. 1.00

00:09:27.000 Yeah, there's something dudes like that when girls spit on dicks. 1.00

00:09:30.000 You know, like, I love those pornos where girls spit on a guy's dick. 1.00

00:09:33.000 I'm like, that's just showing me there's like anger there or something. 1.00

00:09:37.000 That's like craziness.

00:09:38.000 You don't need to spit on it. 0.99

00:09:40.000 You know, you want to lick it.

00:09:41.000 You want to get it all sloppy wet. 0.96

00:09:42.000 That's all good.

00:09:43.000 That's all good.

00:09:44.000 You don't need to get crazy. 1.00

00:09:45.000 The worst is when they spit in a girl's butt and it's like, it disappears. 1.00

00:09:49.000 And you see little bubbles and shit. 1.00

00:09:50.000 Like, come on. 0.99

00:09:53.000 People will never find the end.

00:09:56.000 There's no end.

00:09:58.000 You know, it's just advancing and escalating. 1.00

00:10:01.000 And it's the more exposure to this shit that we have, the more it desensitizes people to like regular sex. 1.00

00:10:07.000 Girls are taking it in the ass left and right now. 1.00

00:10:09.000 There's like reports about it. 1.00

00:10:10.000 Like all these doctors are having problems with girls having like butt V D. Yeah, they're shitting themselves by the age of 30. 1.00

00:10:17.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

00:10:18.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

00:10:19.000 Get yourself a rubber butthole from the fleshlight. 1.00

00:10:22.000 If you got that butthole thing inside you. 1.00

00:10:24.000 So I tried to warm up the juice.

00:10:27.000 So then I had to do the microwave thing. 0.99

00:10:29.000 I went into the bedroom, I didn't have a boner anymore because I was like doing like kitchen shit. 0.99

00:10:33.000 So then I had to get myself hard again by looking at some porn. 0.99

00:10:37.000 And then I went over and the juice was not warm anymore.

00:10:39.000 And it was just like, ah, so I... 0.95

00:10:46.000 I do not set aside time to jerk off. 1.00

00:10:49.000 I don't like sit down and my dick's not hard. 1.00

00:10:52.000 I go, oh, I should jerk off and start rubbing myself. 1.00

00:10:54.000 Yeah, I got to be horny to do it now. 1.00

00:10:56.000 You've never done that?

00:10:57.000 Oh, I have in the past, for sure. 0.59

00:10:58.000 Dude, I've had days where I jerked off like four and five times in a day. 0.82

00:11:03.000 You don't even know why you're doing it. 0.91

00:11:04.000 It's like, this doesn't even feel good anymore.

00:11:05.000 Like, why do I keep doing this? 0.99

00:11:07.000 You're doing it just because you're obsessed, you know, just because you got a wacky bug, you know, and you just want to keep jerking off. 0.99

00:11:14.000 It relaxes me. 1.00

00:11:16.000 You know, it's like when you say, like, when you talk about how you take a big shit and then you're like, I can't believe I had this shit. 1.00

00:11:21.000 That's how I feel, like the sperm. 1.00

00:11:22.000 It's controlling me.

00:11:24.000 No, for sure, but not when you do it five times. 1.00

00:11:26.000 For one shot, yeah, one shot a day, even two shots a day, maybe if you're feeling crazy, you know, you just got a text message from your ex-wife, and she's having a hard time with her husband, and you're thinking, I should fuck this dirty bitch. 1.00

00:11:38.000 You know, I hate her, and she took all my money. 1.00

00:11:39.000 And just beat one off real quick.

00:11:41.000 You know, you might get a second one out of it, and it's exciting.

00:11:43.000 But other than that, one a day is all you need. 1.00

00:11:46.000 When you start jerking off five times a day, you're just a fucking weirdo. 1.00

00:11:49.000 You know, what do you do? 1.00

00:11:50.000 I used to get blisters on my dick from jerking off. 1.00

00:11:52.000 Yeah, me too. 1.00

00:11:53.000 And I really would just hold it another way.

00:11:55.000 I would figure out another way.

00:11:57.000 No, I did, man. 0.99

00:11:59.000 On two separate occasions in my life, I jerked off so much that I developed like a little sore spot on my dick. 1.00

00:12:05.000 So stupid. 1.00

00:12:07.000 There's no way you could be enjoying that. 1.00

00:12:09.000 Like, why are you jerking off that much? 1.00

00:12:11.000 Because you're fucking crazy. 1.00

00:12:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:13.000 I mean, that's what it is. 0.99

00:12:14.000 It's like you just get it in your head that you have to jerk off. 0.99

00:12:17.000 When I used to fuck pillows, what was so bad is, because I never used my hand. 1.00

00:12:21.000 I would fuck pillows. 1.00

00:12:22.000 The worst is watching my mom like, you drool so much when you sleep. 1.00

00:12:26.000 And I'm like, what are you talking about?

00:12:27.000 She's like, go in the laundry room. 1.00

00:12:28.000 And she's like taking off pillow sheets that were sticking to it. 0.99

00:12:31.000 And you just look at my pillow and it looked like, you know, fucking raindrops. 0.99

00:12:35.000 Your mom has for sure touched your loads. 0.99

00:12:37.000 How does that feel?

00:12:37.000 Oh, totally.

00:12:38.000 I don't know.

00:12:39.000 I just can't believe how this is.

00:12:40.000 How weird is that? 1.00

00:12:41.000 Your mom has touched your semen. 1.00

00:12:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:45.000 Yeah.

00:12:46.000 Well, she made it.

00:12:47.000 That's true.

00:12:48.000 It all came from her, right?

00:12:50.000 She cooked it up inside of her.

00:12:51.000 If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be alive. 0.99

00:12:53.000 You wouldn't have any sperm. 0.99

00:12:54.000 Totally. 0.98

00:12:55.000 Jesus.

00:12:56.000 I just got a 3D TV, one of those news.

00:12:58.000 Yeah, you were telling me about this. 0.76

00:12:59.000 And you watched porn on this? 0.71

00:13:00.000 Yeah, I watched. 0.95

00:13:01.000 So explain to me.

00:13:01.000 How does this work?

00:13:03.000 What company makes this?

00:13:04.000 This is a Samsung TV.

00:13:05.000 Because I saw a Sony, but the Sony said it's not even out yet.

00:13:08.000 The Sony's not out until summer.

00:13:09.000 It was very impressive, though.

00:13:11.000 Yeah, the Samsung, what it does is I got a 3D TV and a 3D Blu-ray player, and it converts first.

00:13:11.000 Right.

00:13:18.000 You could watch anything on TV, any show, any TV, and it will convert it into 3D if you want to. 0.97

00:13:23.000 How the fuck does it do that?

00:13:24.000 You know, it has like a smart technology where it detects what a background is and what the main character is, and it tries to layer it, and it does a really good job, actually. 0.97

00:13:33.000 I was so impressed.

00:13:34.000 I thought it was gonna be like bullshit, but it was like I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, and it looked like it was made for 3D. 0.99

00:13:40.000 That's insane. 0.99

00:13:41.000 Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

00:13:42.000 And you wear goggles?

00:13:43.000 Yeah, you wear these little glasses.

00:13:44.000 When are they gonna fix that?

00:13:45.000 Well, supposedly, they already invented the technology to do it, and what it does, it's like this grate that goes over your TV, and it detects where you're sitting in the room, and it kind of like splits the images up for you, like from left eye to right eye.

00:14:00.000 And it makes it 3D, but it's too expensive right now.

00:14:02.000 They said that in the next five to eight years, you'll start seeing it coming out.

00:14:06.000 And then it will be integrated into the television and be a part of it.

00:14:09.000 And what's weird about it is that you using the 3D, you immediately get it.

00:14:09.000 Right.

00:14:15.000 Like, I get it.

00:14:16.000 Like, you're going to have a TV that's going to be three-dimensional soon, where it's going to look like you're a window, but you're going to be able to kind of, you know, it's crazy when you start really getting it.

00:14:27.000 But just TVs themselves are insane.

00:14:29.000 We're just so used to it.

00:14:30.000 Just the idea of capturing image, capturing any image.

00:14:36.000 And I mean, you're literally taking a snapshot of what's in front of you.

00:14:41.000 And somehow or another, you can send that.

00:14:44.000 You can put it in a, and you don't even have to connect it to anything.

00:14:47.000 It goes from your phone, and it can go to the whole world.

00:14:49.000 You put it on Flickr.

00:14:50.000 Right.

00:14:51.000 And someone in Nicaragua can look at it.

00:14:53.000 Not to mention that TVs are like this skinny, by the way.

00:14:56.000 And so pretty soon you're just going to have a warm iPad.

00:14:56.000 Yeah.

00:14:58.000 Look at an iPad.

00:14:59.000 3D.

00:15:00.000 How nuts is that? 0.99

00:15:01.000 Those things are fucking crystal clear. 0.97

00:15:03.000 Those really awesome image. 0.99

00:15:05.000 And it's this little skinny ass thing, like a piece of paper. 0.78

00:15:08.000 You know, it's like a couple pieces of cardboard stacked together. 1.00

00:15:11.000 It's fucking nuts, man. 0.99

00:15:12.000 TVs today, you know, you go and look at these TVs and just think about how long ago it was that, you know, you had like this stupid looking like rounded circles, rounded edges on the corner, and it was big as fuck, and everybody had to help you move it. 0.99

00:15:28.000 Did you have those when you were? 0.97

00:15:29.000 Do you remember what my grandmother used to have?

00:15:31.000 Like where it used to be a record player on the top and then the speakers on the cabinet.

00:15:35.000 Yeah, and they were to open it.

00:15:36.000 They had to put the TV out.

00:15:37.000 Yeah.

00:15:38.000 And it was black and white and it was tiny. 0.99

00:15:39.000 It was like fucking smaller than your laptop. 0.99

00:15:42.000 It was a piece of furniture. 0.99

00:15:43.000 It was a coffee table that was super long.

00:15:46.000 Yeah.

00:15:47.000 And that was just a lifetime ago.

00:15:49.000 I mean, that's what my parents grew up with. 1.00

00:15:51.000 My parents grew up with that shit. 1.00

00:15:53.000 That shit's bananas. 1.00

00:15:54.000 It is. 1.00

00:15:56.000 It's pretty fucking insane where technology is headed, but it's just as insane just thinking about where it's gone.

00:16:03.000 If you ever wanted evidence of evolution, evolution seems to be a pattern that everything follows. 0.62

00:16:10.000 People want to get angry whether or not evolution exists and whether or not evolution is real.

00:16:15.000 And very few people even truly understand the argument.

00:16:18.000 It's a very, very, very complex argument.

00:16:21.000 But the argument really isn't, is there a God?

00:16:23.000 The argument is everything seems to evolve.

00:16:27.000 Every single thing seems to change.

00:16:29.000 And human beings are the clearest example of that just based on our culture. 0.99

00:16:34.000 If you look at just the shit that we have now in comparison to the things we had a few years ago and the movies, if you like watch movies and listen to songs from like the 40s and the 50s and then you listen to some new shit, even if you don't like most new shit or you think it's stupid or you think it's, I'm with you on all that. 0.93

00:16:52.000 But just the technical level that they're able to, like the kind of music they're able to make now, you know, it's very, very different. 0.97

00:17:00.000 It's incredibly powerful.

00:17:01.000 Like you might not be into pink. 0.99

00:17:03.000 Listen to a goddamn pink song and then try to go like back in time and listen to some Jefferson airplane and shit and see the like the how they recorded it. 0.99

00:17:11.000 Even if you love that song, it's like they did a terrible job of like putting it all together. 0.99

00:17:16.000 You know, like the evolution of music, the evolution of television shows.

00:17:20.000 Like try watching Father Knows Best. 1.00

00:17:21.000 Try watching any of those fucking stupid movies from the 50s. 1.00

00:17:24.000 Those goddamn things are terrible. 1.00

00:17:25.000 They're terrible. 1.00

00:17:26.000 It's like everybody falls in love immediately.

00:17:28.000 The bad guy's super obvious.

00:17:31.000 Everything happens.

00:17:32.000 It's so corny and phony.

00:17:34.000 And now, you know, it's very clear that things are moving in a certain direction.

00:17:41.000 Everything is.

00:17:42.000 Like when you go to a gas station and you prepay for like 20 bucks and that last dollar takes slows down.

00:17:42.000 Not everything, though.

00:17:50.000 Why does it do that?

00:17:51.000 Because they want to make sure it doesn't go over.

00:17:53.000 You think they need technology to fix that?

00:17:54.000 No, because when you undo it yourself, you could just turn it off like that and it's like three cents, spam.

00:17:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:00.000 They don't want you to go over because if you go over just a little bit and everybody goes over just a little bit and you add that little bit all together, it's probably millions of dollars.

00:18:07.000 No, but there should be a technology where it just turns it off at this time. 0.94

00:18:10.000 Well, really the problem is the real technology issue is this fucking fuel issue. 0.91

00:18:15.000 The real technology is the gasoline thing. 0.97

00:18:17.000 We need gasoline to make every single thing on this earth and we need gasoline to move.

00:18:22.000 That's the real technological, that's the hurdle.

00:18:25.000 The hurdle isn't your last dollar when you're pre-paying for gas. 1.00

00:18:30.000 The real hurdle is for the fucking oil. 1.00

00:18:33.000 That's some frightening shit, man. 1.00

00:18:34.000 Well, there is things. 0.99

00:18:35.000 What my point was, there is things that you're just, I'm amazed that such things are so different from 20 years ago.

00:18:43.000 Other things like that.

00:18:44.000 It's just like, come on, gas pumps.

00:18:47.000 Well, yeah, I hear you, but I don't think overall, I don't think it's important for that.

00:18:51.000 There's no innovation as far as the fuel.

00:18:55.000 Eventually, they're going to have to come up with something new.

00:18:56.000 And then when that happens, then we'll reach some new point where we have to abandon gasoline entirely.

00:19:03.000 But they're going to have to make some gigantic discoveries.

00:19:06.000 But that's so possible, man.

00:19:08.000 People don't even think about how possible that is. 0.70

00:19:10.000 They could come up with some new way to fucking make hydrogen tomorrow and it would change everything, or some other new type of new way of making batteries that makes batteries last longer. 0.98

00:19:21.000 They could figure out some weird shit, man, and then instantly everything changes. 1.00

00:19:24.000 Yeah, battery technology is slow as fuck. 0.99

00:19:27.000 I mean, Mac just released a new refresh of their MacBook this week, and it added two or three more hours to the last model. 0.98

00:19:35.000 So that's actually a huge.

00:19:36.000 That's a pretty good.

00:19:36.000 That's pretty good.

00:19:37.000 but usually they do that by making the batteries larger and making it so you can't pull them out.

00:19:41.000 Yeah, but they didn't with this one.

00:19:42.000 Really?

00:19:43.000 It's a replaceable?

00:19:44.000 No, this is the same size.

00:19:45.000 I mean, you know what I mean?

00:19:47.000 They didn't change anything.

00:19:48.000 Yeah, the new MacBooks can get 10 hours, supposedly.

00:19:50.000 Yeah, 9 to 10 hours.

00:19:52.000 I have this 17-inch MacBook Pro, whatever it is.

00:19:56.000 But this thing doesn't get nearly as much as they say it does.

00:19:59.000 If you're actually using it.

00:20:00.000 I got this one, which was last model, and it's supposed to get five hours.

00:20:06.000 I get two hours, and this is a brand new battery.

00:20:09.000 Yeah, well, it's like you have to turn the volume on the brightness on the screen way down.

00:20:15.000 That saves a lot of it.

00:20:17.000 You can't be cranking volume.

00:20:18.000 You can't be watching movies.

00:20:20.000 If you use Wi-Fi, it eats it up.

00:20:22.000 If you have a cellular card, it eats it up.

00:20:24.000 But yet the iPad seems like you can do all that and not even take a dent to that amazing thing. 0.99

00:20:28.000 That's a fucked up battery. 0.92

00:20:30.000 What's up with that battery? 0.99

00:20:31.000 That battery is crazy, dude.

00:20:32.000 I use that battery for a whole weekend.

00:20:34.000 It says like 50%.

00:20:35.000 They should just get like three of those batteries.

00:20:35.000 I know.

00:20:37.000 Yeah, when I'm in a hotel, dude, I sit with that thing.

00:20:40.000 I'll get on the net and I'll do it for hours.

00:20:43.000 I'll read. 0.99

00:20:43.000 I'll even write some shit on there, write like little notes. 0.99

00:20:46.000 And then I look at it. 0.99

00:20:46.000 It's like 96% battery. 0.99

00:20:48.000 I'm still liking that iPad, by the way.

00:20:49.000 It's a pretty cool little thing, man.

00:20:50.000 That's the future, son. 0.82

00:20:52.000 The future is some new fucked up thing that's even easier to transport around than that. 0.87

00:20:57.000 Because that right now is the portable typewriter of the future. 0.90

00:21:02.000 It really is.

00:21:03.000 God, I miss typewriters.

00:21:05.000 Did you type on a typewriter?

00:21:07.000 I had to do it for school.

00:21:07.000 Oh, yeah.

00:21:08.000 And you make a mistake and you have to take that white marker thing and go over it. 1.00

00:21:13.000 What a fucking pain in the ass it must have been to write a book back then. 1.00

00:21:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:21:17.000 You had to actually click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

00:21:20.000 That TV, though, has this, that new 3D TV I got has this thing called the 240 megahertz mode.

00:21:26.000 It's auto motion plus mode. 0.99

00:21:28.000 And it is the most fucked up thing. 0.96

00:21:30.000 What it does is it is so fast that it actually makes up frames in between frames. 0.99

00:21:36.000 And what the outcome is, is awful.

00:21:38.000 It makes any show or any movie look completely fake.

00:21:42.000 Like when you watch, if you take Titanic and if you sit there with a movie camera and film Titanic, it looks like a movie because it's a movie camera.

00:21:50.000 You take that same scene and record it with a video camera, it would look fake and kind of like cheap.

00:21:55.000 Right, right.

00:21:56.000 That's what this does, though, to every show.

00:21:58.000 So you sit there and watch Lost or anything, you'll get pissed off because it looks like a soap opera.

00:22:03.000 Isn't that kind of weird that video, like people, they don't use video for things, and one of the reasons is because it makes stuff look fake.

00:22:09.000 Yeah.

00:22:10.000 It makes stuff look, it doesn't look as cool.

00:22:12.000 But what it means is it doesn't look as good.

00:22:14.000 It's not as clear an image.

00:22:14.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:22:16.000 Right.

00:22:17.000 It's not as foggy.

00:22:18.000 It's also that you can focus, like in film, you can focus on the guys in the foreground, whereas video kind of just captures everything.

00:22:25.000 Right.

00:22:25.000 And that's what this, I guess this TV does is it takes each frame and makes everything in focus.

00:22:30.000 So it makes everything seem really phony.

00:22:33.000 Like if you watch Lost, it looks like a soap opera from Mexico. 0.99

00:22:36.000 I mean, it's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:22:38.000 It ruins everything. 0.92

00:22:39.000 So I don't know why if Samsung made that mode, but I get that now.

00:22:42.000 I want to make everything look fake.

00:22:43.000 That sounds awesome.

00:22:44.000 It's pretty bad, man.

00:22:46.000 I want that, though.

00:22:47.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:22:47.000 It's fun to fucking. 0.99

00:22:48.000 What's great is doing it and not telling somebody and going, dude, what's your favorite movie? 0.99

00:22:52.000 Godfather.

00:22:53.000 Okay, let's watch it.

00:22:54.000 Okay.

00:22:55.000 This doesn't seem as good as I remember.

00:22:58.000 It will make you freak.

00:22:59.000 Even Godfather?

00:23:00.000 Old movies like that?

00:23:02.000 So it's some sort of a software thing.

00:23:02.000 Any movie.

00:23:06.000 It just takes every frame, makes it a function.

00:23:07.000 Is it a hardware conversion?

00:23:08.000 Yeah, it's a hardware in the TV.

00:23:10.000 So the TV is actually making...

00:23:22.000 It's kind of like a really fast monitor, you know?

00:23:25.000 So it doesn't look fast or anything, but it looks crisper and clear and it looks crisper.

00:23:30.000 How much time do you think there is before they make movies just completely artificial that look like real movies?

00:23:37.000 Where it's like, you know, like a video game, like video game style.

00:23:41.000 Like what was that one movie they did where they did a whole movie like that?

00:23:44.000 Final Fantasy.

00:23:45.000 Final Fantasy?

00:23:45.000 Is that what it is?

00:23:46.000 A sci-fi movie?

00:23:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:47.000 But it looked kind of fake, you know, kind of goofy.

00:23:49.000 It looks really fake now too, by the way. 1.00

00:23:50.000 Yeah, now it looks stupid as fuck, right? 0.99

00:23:52.000 But back then it was like, wow, this is kind of impressive what they did. 0.99

00:23:55.000 Not really good enough, though, to warrant making a whole movie.

00:23:58.000 But how many more years are going to go by before they can make like Humphrey Bogart movies?

00:24:03.000 Yeah.

00:24:03.000 Like make a fake Humphrey Bogart movie, recreate his voice, recreate his intonations.

00:24:09.000 You know, that's going to happen, right?

00:24:10.000 Yeah.

00:24:11.000 I think it's only a few years off.

00:24:13.000 They're going to be able to make porn with anybody. 0.99

00:24:15.000 They're going to be able to make any Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton are going to have lesbian porn. 1.00

00:24:21.000 They're going to fuck each other and fist each other. 1.00

00:24:24.000 That's going to be a video game. 1.00

00:24:25.000 Choose your character.

00:24:26.000 Obama.

00:24:27.000 It's going to look so realistic, but totally be unrealistic. 1.00

00:24:30.000 Like, it could look exactly like Hillary is just armpit deep into Sarah Palin's pussy, just punching it. 1.00

00:24:37.000 I mean, you could make that. 1.00

00:24:39.000 Splattering just pussy juice all over the wall. 1.00

00:24:41.000 Whoops, I killed the mic. 1.00

00:24:43.000 Splattering pussy juice all over the wall. 1.00

00:24:45.000 You're going to be able to recreate that. 0.99

00:24:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:47.000 Beowulf is another one that somebody just said that.

00:24:49.000 Beowulf.

00:24:50.000 Yeah, it was terrible.

00:24:51.000 I like that movie.

00:24:52.000 It was alright, but it didn't look real.

00:24:53.000 It didn't look real at all.

00:24:55.000 But it was cool.

00:24:56.000 It was a fun little fantasy movie.

00:24:57.000 I think they should have done the Lords of the Rings that way, actually.

00:25:00.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:00.000 The Lords of the Rings, like, Gollum is fake, but everybody else was real.

00:25:04.000 It's like, there was some fake shit there that was hard to swallow, even though they were awesome movies, don't get me wrong. 0.96

00:25:10.000 I think it would have been even cooler if the whole movie was kind of fantasy. 0.99

00:25:14.000 I don't need real actors, you know?

00:25:16.000 Plus, real actors look too human to me. 0.99

00:25:18.000 I want a hobbit to be fucking weird looking. 1.00

00:25:20.000 I don't want you to just be some dude wearing like furry shoes that look like feet. 0.98

00:25:24.000 But yeah, I just watched Alice in Wonderland last night, and that was actually kind of cool how they took real characters, but they distorted them.

00:25:32.000 They made their heads bigger and smaller.

00:25:34.000 That was cool.

00:25:35.000 Yeah.

00:25:36.000 The main, the Queen of Hearts.

00:25:39.000 What's that lady's name again? 1.00

00:25:39.000 Who was that lady? 1.00

00:25:40.000 Helena Bottom Carner. 1.00

00:25:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:42.000 She had the big giant fucking head. 1.00

00:25:44.000 That was pretty trippy. 1.00

00:25:45.000 I love that cat, too.

00:25:46.000 Yeah, the cat was badass.

00:25:47.000 But that was a movie to only go to see if you're really high.

00:25:49.000 You know what?

00:25:50.000 It was okay.

00:25:51.000 It wasn't that good.

00:25:51.000 It was not good, no.

00:25:52.000 It was interesting because I was barbecued.

00:25:55.000 I ate a pot cookie like an hour before I went to see that movie.

00:25:58.000 So when I went to the movie, I was just, by the time the first frame started to the film, I was full-blown.

00:26:03.000 I was like, just completely blown out.

00:26:06.000 So it was fascinating.

00:26:07.000 The cat was really interesting. 0.99

00:26:09.000 But like, as a plot and everything, it was like, so you didn't give a shit. 0.99

00:26:13.000 You didn't give a fuck what happened. 0.99

00:26:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:26:15.000 You know?

00:26:16.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:26:17.000 But yeah, getting really baked and watching your favorite movie get fucked up by that Motion Plus thing. 0.93

00:26:23.000 You should check it out. 0.91

00:26:23.000 It'll creep you out. 0.91

00:26:24.000 I can't change my TV.

00:26:26.000 That seems really...

00:26:29.000 You should do a 3D one.

00:26:30.000 I don't want to do it.

00:26:31.000 But you know what's also cool about it is how this TV is so connected to the internet.

00:26:36.000 Like, I hit a button and it tells me like Yahoo News, my Gmail, my Flickr.

00:26:41.000 I hit another button and I got Netflix and I got Amazon video on demand all through my TV remote.

00:26:46.000 Like it's yeah, mine does that.

00:26:48.000 My VCR, mine VCR, my DVD player can download Netflix.

00:26:54.000 It can store things on Netflix.

00:26:56.000 It can stream things.

00:26:57.000 It can go to YouTube and watch YouTube clips.

00:27:00.000 It's pretty crazy.

00:27:01.000 Yeah, I like it.

00:27:02.000 Yeah.

00:27:02.000 It's the future, son.

00:27:04.000 The future is, you know, shit like this. 0.99

00:27:06.000 I mean, probably there's somebody right now that can watch this. 0.99

00:27:09.000 There's probably some sort of an application, some sort of a way to watch this on your actual TV.

00:27:13.000 Oh, totally.

00:27:14.000 Totally.

00:27:15.000 I mean, you can do it on your iPhone.

00:27:18.000 If this wasn't a real TV show.

00:27:19.000 By the way, I was watching.

00:27:20.000 When I was here, this would be called Dead Air.

00:27:22.000 People would be yelling at us. 1.00

00:27:23.000 You're boring as fuck right now, son. 1.00

00:27:25.000 I was watching you guys last week on top of a waterfall, and it was so weird. 1.00

00:27:28.000 I was like, I'm in the middle of nowhere in Portland, Oregon, watching you on an iPhone.

00:27:32.000 Did you do any math when you were out there in Portland?

00:27:34.000 No, no.

00:27:35.000 But I'll tell you what, man.

00:27:36.000 Portland, Oregon, I was in a Costco, and I always like to play this game when I'm out of town. 0.99

00:27:41.000 And I was like, all right, I have, you know, 15 minutes to find one person in this store that I would fuck. 0.99

00:27:47.000 You know, like, you get to fuck one person in the store. 1.00

00:27:49.000 Who would it be? 0.99

00:27:50.000 And I could not find one person in that store.

00:27:53.000 Not even like a mediocre person until right when I was walking out, one of the employees, she looked like an LA2. 0.98

00:28:00.000 And I was like, okay, I'll pick her because I have to pick one. 0.88

00:28:02.000 LA2. 1.00

00:28:02.000 Yeah, I have to fuck that one. 1.00

00:28:04.000 Wow. 1.00

00:28:04.000 Well, maybe you have really high standards. 1.00

00:28:06.000 No, no. 0.98

00:28:07.000 I mean, it's every single person in Portland is fat. 0.90

00:28:13.000 They look very depressed and sad. 0.91

00:28:17.000 And yeah, I guess it's the meth capital of the world.

00:28:19.000 But yet nature everywhere.

00:28:20.000 Beautiful everywhere you go.

00:28:21.000 Amazing.

00:28:22.000 Hot.

00:28:23.000 People that live in Portland don't feel bad.

00:28:25.000 Yeah, I'm sorry for that. 1.00

00:28:26.000 Brian doesn't want to fuck you. 1.00

00:28:27.000 I did not meet you. 1.00

00:28:29.000 Yeah, you might be the shit. 1.00

00:28:30.000 He might have just got to a real ugly spot. 1.00

00:28:32.000 Tons of armpit hairs on all the chicks, too.

00:28:34.000 What do you think, though, about all the...

00:28:38.000 There's something I read on forums where women were complaining, saying, you know, that men should know that women have hair on their legs and armpits. 1.00

00:28:45.000 This is silly. 0.99

00:28:46.000 Yeah.

00:28:46.000 I went to a sushi place, first sushi place I've ever been to, where they gave you forks.

00:28:51.000 And then I was like, wait, wait, where's the chopsticks?

00:28:54.000 And I had to go to like the hostess stand, and they had to look for chopsticks at a sushi place. 0.99

00:28:58.000 Like they were like, oh, you want to see.

00:29:00.000 It's America, son.

00:29:02.000 I know, but. 0.99

00:29:02.000 You want to fucking go back to China? 0.99

00:29:04.000 You can use those chopsticks. 0.99

00:29:05.000 That's what kind of sushi place they have there. 0.83

00:29:07.000 What do you think about all those people that get depressed and want to kill themselves because it's, you know, sunny five days a year?

00:29:13.000 I believe it.

00:29:14.000 I lived in Ohio, and it was like that every day, and I wanted to kill myself.

00:29:17.000 I just wanted to go to work and get done with the day and go back home and play on the internet.

00:29:22.000 And that was because it was cloudy.

00:29:23.000 It was just disgusting outside.

00:29:24.000 It was just gray.

00:29:25.000 Every day, the sky was gray.

00:29:28.000 How many days?

00:29:29.000 I would say 50%, 60% of the days were gray.

00:29:33.000 The other were like partly cloudy to sunny.

00:29:35.000 But 60% was like gray sky, like nothing, just death.

00:29:39.000 Yeah, I've been there, man.

00:29:40.000 I've been to Columbus a bunch of times doing stand-up, and that's what I've found.

00:29:44.000 It's just real gray there.

00:29:46.000 There's a bunch of parts of the country that are just real gray for like a long part of the year. 1.00

00:29:50.000 That shit ain't good for you. 0.99

00:29:52.000 No, it's not. 1.00

00:29:53.000 Sucks.

00:29:54.000 It's weird, right? 0.93

00:29:55.000 We're kind of programmed, you know, though the human body needs a certain amount from its environment.

00:30:00.000 One of the things we need is sunlight.

00:30:01.000 We literally need sunlight for vitamins.

00:30:03.000 We need it for vitamin D, but we also need it for happiness.

00:30:06.000 There's something about skies that are gloomy, that are depressing.

00:30:10.000 And it's like encoded into your DNA.

00:30:13.000 It's like your DNA is telling you, hey, you're living in a place where it's going to be uncomfortable.

00:30:18.000 You're going to get drenched.

00:30:19.000 You're not going to get that vitamin D that you need.

00:30:22.000 But if you can get past that, you'll be okay.

00:30:25.000 If you can go to the sun and get to the sunny parts, then you'll be happy.

00:30:27.000 Like you can literally changes your state to be in different weather.

00:30:31.000 You know, like physically changes it.

00:30:34.000 And if you live in a place where it's just, you don't get that sun, you don't get enough of that sun.

00:30:38.000 Yeah.

00:30:39.000 And it's also different people have different needs too, I think, genetically. 0.99

00:30:43.000 You know, I bet if you're black, I bet living in a place where it's never sunny is fucking terrible. 1.00

00:30:47.000 I bet it's terrible for you. 0.99

00:30:48.000 Because like the whole dark skin, the whole dark skin is supposed to be in response to bright sun and living in hot climates. 1.00

00:30:56.000 Oh, really?

00:30:57.000 Yeah, dark skin, like Brazil, you know, they're dark skinned and that's supposed to be because they have to deal with the hot sun and that kind of a climate. 0.99

00:31:05.000 And if you go to places like Siberia, people are pretty fucking white. 0.93

00:31:08.000 It's because no one's ever outside in the sun. 0.99

00:31:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:11.000 It's like you grow accustomed to it.

00:31:14.000 So maybe if you're a person that like, you know, is like got super pale skin, it would be way easier to live in a place where it doesn't get sunny.

00:31:21.000 You know, maybe there's like genetic needs.

00:31:24.000 Very possible, right?

00:31:26.000 Yeah.

00:31:26.000 I mean, I wish I knew about those lights before, though, when I lived in Ohio, like the sunlight lights.

00:31:31.000 Have you heard of those?

00:31:32.000 And those, they're artificial lighting.

00:31:33.000 Artificial lighting?

00:31:34.000 Yeah, they have alarm clocks that have that built into them, too.

00:31:37.000 I was thinking about getting one of those.

00:31:37.000 Really?

00:31:38.000 That's a trick, though.

00:31:39.000 That's a trick. 0.98

00:31:40.000 How the fuck would that be as good as going outside on a sunny day? 0.97

00:31:42.000 Sunny days are awesome because everybody else is happy too. 0.98

00:31:44.000 Right.

00:31:45.000 I guess that's tricks you. 0.82

00:31:46.000 When I lived in Boston, I appreciated the fuck out of those sunny days. 0.79

00:31:50.000 But now in LA, you're just so used to it. 0.56

00:31:51.000 It's like sunny days are just what you get every day.

00:31:54.000 Yeah, it's actually the opposite.

00:31:55.000 Today it's cloudy.

00:31:56.000 Yeah, you get fired up when it's cloudy.

00:31:58.000 You get, oh, we're going to get some nice rain.

00:32:00.000 Because it literally is sunny here 360 days a year almost. 0.98

00:32:04.000 I mean, it's fucking crazy. 0.94

00:32:05.000 How many days a year? 0.97

00:32:06.000 I'm exaggerating, but it's maybe 320.

00:32:09.000 Yeah.

00:32:10.000 Right?

00:32:10.000 It's pretty high, definitely.

00:32:11.000 There's sometimes there's like a month, though, that it rains like every day.

00:32:14.000 Sometimes, like every other year, two years. 0.99

00:32:17.000 Yeah, it's fucked up. 0.98

00:32:20.000 You can get used to that. 0.99

00:32:23.000 But it's terrible for your skin. 0.99

00:32:25.000 In Australia, when I was in Australia, they have all these ads for skin cancer because Australia doesn't have a fucking Ozone layer. 0.93

00:32:31.000 Remember when there was the big hole in the ozone layer worry? 0.97

00:32:33.000 Well, it's all over Australia. 0.99

00:32:35.000 And apparently, Australia doesn't give a shit. 1.00

00:32:37.000 But they have all these ads everywhere you go about being careful because if you go outside without sunscreen on, you could get skin cancer. 0.99

00:32:44.000 So they have these really graphic skin cancer ads on the side of buses with stitches and shit. 0.97

00:32:49.000 You see big pieces of meat cut out of people. 0.94

00:32:52.000 Like where when you get cigarettes in like Canada and it shows like some guy with throat cancer on the back of your box.

00:32:52.000 I hate that.

00:32:58.000 England's rough about that too.

00:33:00.000 You see people smoking in England.

00:33:02.000 They have big giant warnings in the back of their cigarettes.

00:33:06.000 But you need that, son.

00:33:07.000 Look at you.

00:33:08.000 You got illnesses right now. 0.97

00:33:09.000 You're ready to die. 1.00

00:33:10.000 Brian's been shitting blood. 1.00

00:33:12.000 No. 1.00

00:33:13.000 It's shitting black. 1.00

00:33:14.000 It's blood, right? 0.99

00:33:15.000 Isn't it blood?

00:33:16.000 Stomach ulcers.

00:33:17.000 Brian's got a stomach ulcer. 1.00

00:33:18.000 He's fucked. 1.00

00:33:19.000 I have this doctor, and I was talking to him today, and he's just like, so what, your stool is black? 1.00

00:33:19.000 It's great. 1.00

00:33:25.000 And I'm like, yes, last night I felt like I was going to throw up.

00:33:28.000 I haven't ate in 24 hours and I feel really lightheaded and my stool is black.

00:33:33.000 And he goes, man, we need to get you to the emergency room quick.

00:33:36.000 All right, I'm going to call you back and schedule an appointment.

00:33:38.000 And I'm like, okay, okay.

00:33:40.000 And he's like, and you're not going to be able to drive home.

00:33:41.000 I'm like, all right, that's cool.

00:33:42.000 Four hours, five hours later, he hasn't called me back.

00:33:45.000 So this is going on right now as we speak.

00:33:47.000 I might just die right now.

00:33:48.000 What kind of a trooper is Brian? 0.99

00:33:50.000 This dude is bleeding out of his butthole and he's just hanging out with us. 0.99

00:33:53.000 Yeah, it might be stomach cancer. 0.99

00:33:56.000 Somebody just said it might be cancer.

00:33:58.000 I don't think it's cancer.

00:33:59.000 You don't smell like you got cancer.

00:33:59.000 No.

00:34:01.000 You smell like you got some ulcer.

00:34:03.000 Where's your dogs at? 0.94

00:34:04.000 You should let your dogs smell me instead of you. 1.00

00:34:06.000 Growling at your asshole. 1.00

00:34:09.000 Like angry. 1.00

00:34:11.000 Imagine a dog locks onto your asshole. 1.00

00:34:15.000 Oof. 1.00

00:34:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:34:16.000 It's happened.

00:34:17.000 It's happened before.

00:34:18.000 There's dogs that can smell cancer.

00:34:21.000 They can take test tubes and align this, like, you know, they did this test with them where they just have this big giant 20-yard line.

00:34:29.000 And down the line, there's a different test tube and, you know, increments.

00:34:33.000 And each different test tube has a different thing in it.

00:34:35.000 And they'll go right to the ones with cancer and they bark.

00:34:38.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:34:39.000 They can smell fucking cancer. 1.00

00:34:39.000 That's nuts. 1.00

00:34:42.000 I love that.

00:34:42.000 I love that whole thing where there's stuff we don't know about things like dogs and like that.

00:34:46.000 Or just that.

00:34:47.000 Did they know that?

00:34:48.000 And like earthquakes.

00:34:50.000 Just the fact, yeah, they know tsunamis are coming.

00:34:53.000 They go run.

00:34:54.000 I mean, in the Thailand tsunami, the last big one that happened, very few animals died, man.

00:35:02.000 If any, I think the animals all escaped. 0.94

00:35:04.000 They all saw it coming and got the fuck out of Dodge, like way, way in advance.

00:35:08.000 Because they don't have a language, I think that the Earth itself probably has some sort of a language. 0.82

00:35:13.000 And if you have a language yourself, you know, like human beings do, we have this ability to communicate.

00:35:18.000 We're so wrapped up in communicating with ourselves that we don't receive any communication from animals or from plants or from the world.

00:35:25.000 You know, I'm not talking about like words, like dogs talk to you. 0.99

00:35:28.000 But you ever meet a dog and you know you can't fuck with this dog? 0.99

00:35:32.000 You never meet a dog and you're like, what's going on, buddy? 1.00

00:35:33.000 And you're looking at him and he's looking at you and you're like, okay, let me get the fuck away from you. 0.97

00:35:37.000 That dog is sending, there's somehow or another, I mean, it's not even his demeanor. 0.98

00:35:42.000 He's not growling at you, but he's just giving you a look and you're getting a message. 1.00

00:35:48.000 He's communicating with you, but you got all sorts of shit inside your head. 1.00

00:35:51.000 The stock market and your divorce and your fucking homework and this and that and language and English and I'm learning Spanish and you got all this shit going on in your head. 0.99

00:36:00.000 I bet the earth itself actually has like some sort of a way of communicating with beings and with animals that don't have languages. 1.00

00:36:09.000 Like they can tune into shit that we can't tune into. 0.81

00:36:13.000 That's how dogs can smell things and tune into things and I mean they have super, super, super powered senses. 0.99

00:36:19.000 Yeah, but they can't sense that if they have cancer, you know?

00:36:23.000 Right.

00:36:23.000 Well, that's maybe they can.

00:36:25.000 Maybe they just can't communicate it. 1.00

00:36:27.000 You know, but dumb dogs, you know. 0.99

00:36:30.000 It's funny when the doctor was asking me if it was black, and I'm like, I don't know. 1.00

00:36:34.000 It's like very dark, dark brown.

00:36:36.000 He goes, well, dark brown and black is completely different. 0.91

00:36:39.000 And I'm like, it's not really different.

00:36:41.000 I'm like, do you want me to take a photo of it?

00:36:42.000 And he goes, no, that's not necessary.

00:36:44.000 Like, well, are you talking about $10,000 difference? 1.00

00:36:46.000 Like, if I say, no, it's black, are you going to make me go to the hospital and do all this shit? 0.99

00:36:51.000 That's why I just don't get doctors, you know? 1.00

00:36:56.000 Yeah.

00:36:57.000 Every day deals with people that are broken.

00:36:58.000 Could you imagine what that'd be like?

00:37:00.000 That's like psychology.

00:37:02.000 I was a psych major for a while in college, and I was thinking, maybe I should be a psychologist.

00:37:07.000 I give people good advice. 0.98

00:37:08.000 And then I thought about it and I was like, you're going to be dealing with fucked up people every day. 0.99

00:37:13.000 Every day you're on fucked up energy. 0.99

00:37:16.000 The best you can do with these people is make them not fucked up. 0.99

00:37:18.000 You know, that's the best you can do. 0.98

00:37:20.000 But you're not getting any fucking happiness and joy and excitement and all powerful feelings all day, creativity. 1.00

00:37:27.000 You're just dealing with fucked up people. 0.99

00:37:29.000 And some people want to do that. 0.99

00:37:30.000 Some people want to help you.

00:37:31.000 And good on you.

00:37:32.000 Good on you. 0.99

00:37:33.000 But man, that would have to be a fucking drag. 0.99

00:37:35.000 And also in LA, I think it's completely worse. 0.99

00:37:38.000 Like if you're in Columbia.

00:37:39.000 It's so self-indulgent out here.

00:37:40.000 Yeah, and plus there's just so many people.

00:37:42.000 So many people and so many people trying to do something completely unrealistic.

00:37:46.000 How many people out here want to be famous?

00:37:48.000 You know, and I live out in the burbs and you run into people and you don't think that they're the type.

00:37:53.000 And then as you get to know them, you find out, oh, I came out here to be an actor.

00:37:57.000 It didn't work out.

00:37:58.000 And then I got into plumbing.

00:38:00.000 I always wanted to be an actor.

00:38:02.000 I always wanted to do this.

00:38:03.000 And how'd you get your spot?

00:38:04.000 Oh, I always wanted to do that, man.

00:38:05.000 How'd you get on that show?

00:38:06.000 Oh, I always wanted to do that.

00:38:07.000 And you find out that literally, the percentage of people that move out here for even in the back of their head, they have some weird show biz dream. 0.98

00:38:14.000 It's like fucking 60%. 0.95

00:38:17.000 That's a completely unrealistic number. 0.99

00:38:19.000 If you think about how many people there are out there that actually become famous from acting, especially acting, man. 0.98

00:38:25.000 I mean, it's fucking, who's to say you're a good actor? 0.99

00:38:28.000 How the hell do you get good at pretending to be someone you're not? 0.99

00:38:31.000 You know, I mean, I guess there's some methods to it, and I guess, you know, it all depends on your personality, what kind of energy you're packing inside of you.

00:38:37.000 But then somebody has to agree to put you in a movie, and somebody has to agree they like you, and what are the odds that's going to happen? 1.00

00:38:44.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:38:45.000 So those people are all, they have these unrealized dreams, and that fucking chips away out of them. 1.00

00:38:51.000 And then the reason why they wanted to be actors in the first place, a lot of them, is because they're fucked up because they didn't get any attention as a child. 0.99

00:38:58.000 Ooh, I coughed up. 0.98

00:39:00.000 I was getting all broken up with this story.

00:39:02.000 They didn't get any attention as a child, which is the same reason why people become comedians and any kind of extreme attention performer like that.

00:39:09.000 So then you're dealing with so many people with that, so many people with problems, so many people that need to be fixed.

00:39:16.000 Just give them some pills. 1.00

00:39:17.000 Just give them a fucking pill and shut them up. 1.00

00:39:19.000 After a while, I think these doctors get just tired. 1.00

00:39:21.000 Just tired of dealing with shit. 0.99

00:39:23.000 Could you imagine being the guy who has to deal with your problem every day? 1.00

00:39:27.000 Every day, someone comes to him and has got some sort of an ulcer or something. 0.77

00:39:30.000 Especially when it's like a butt doctor. 0.72

00:39:32.000 Can you imagine what that is like seeing buttholes all day? 0.99

00:39:35.000 Yeah, you gotta fix it.

00:39:37.000 You gotta fix them.

00:39:38.000 Nobody's coming in with the perfect butthole and you're like, I have good news for you. 0.99

00:39:41.000 Your butthole is perfect. 1.00

00:39:43.000 Now, if you're going to see the butt doctor, you got a butthole problem. 1.00

00:39:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:47.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:39:49.000 You could be dehydrated. 1.00

00:39:51.000 It depends what color your shit was. 1.00

00:39:53.000 Do you drink a lot of water? 1.00

00:39:54.000 Yeah, I had two Gatorades already today, so I'm not dehydrated.

00:39:57.000 That's not wonderful.

00:39:57.000 And did you know that you could pinch your hand and you could tell if you're dehydrated if your skin goes back slower?

00:40:02.000 Did you know that?

00:40:03.000 That's a good way to tell if you're dehydrated.

00:40:05.000 I've heard about that from dudes that cut weight.

00:40:07.000 Yeah, when they know that they're ready to die.

00:40:07.000 Yeah.

00:40:10.000 They cut so much weight that their body's failing on them.

00:40:14.000 A lot of guys who cut weight get really crazy with it.

00:40:16.000 Like they'll go down from like, you know, there's dudes that go from well over 200 pounds and they go all the way down to 170. 0.99

00:40:24.000 Damn. 0.98

00:40:25.000 Like Tiago Alvez. 1.00

00:40:27.000 You've seen that guy before, right?

00:40:28.000 He's huge.

00:40:30.000 When I stand next to that guy, I cannot believe that that guy gets to 170 pounds.

00:40:34.000 He's so much bigger than me.

00:40:36.000 I weigh 185 pounds and that guy is way bigger than me.

00:40:40.000 He is gigantic.

00:40:41.000 And somehow or another, he dries himself out totally to 170, gets on the scale, and then rehydrates and gets to like 200 pounds by the time it comes to fight.

00:40:53.000 It's crazy.

00:40:53.000 I don't know how they do it.

00:40:55.000 I don't know how they do it, but it's dangerous.

00:40:58.000 And when dudes are like at that last drop, you know, I mean, Tiago's never looked bad, but I've seen some guys look real bad.

00:41:06.000 It's like Travis Luter once didn't make weight for the Anderson Silva fight, and he was trying to try and try, but he could not cut the weight for whatever reason.

00:41:13.000 And he's walking towards the scale, and he was shuffling because he couldn't even pick his feet up, and his cheeks were all sunken in.

00:41:18.000 He looked like he was going to die.

00:41:19.000 His lips were all chapped and broken. 1.00

00:41:21.000 And I was like, whoa, like this dude looks like he's in a goddamn concentration camp. 0.99

00:41:25.000 This is crazy. 0.99

00:41:27.000 All just to be bigger than the other guy.

00:41:30.000 What are you doing, man? 1.00

00:41:32.000 You're going to die. 0.98

00:41:34.000 Losing composure, son.

00:41:35.000 Pull it together.

00:41:36.000 Pull it together, boy.

00:41:37.000 So we wanted to talk about that the Miss America, the Miss USA.

00:41:42.000 You don't want to confuse them because apparently one's legit.

00:41:44.000 Mrs. Rogan was telling me that one of them's legit. 0.84

00:41:47.000 One of them's important and the other one's silly. 0.95

00:41:50.000 Yeah.

00:41:51.000 Which one owns Trump own? 0.99

00:41:53.000 They're the fucking same thing to me. 0.99

00:41:55.000 I don't see how Miss America or Miss USA, but I guess one of them is like the cooler one and like Miss USA wishes she was Miss America or Miss America wishes she was Miss USA. 0.99

00:42:06.000 Right.

00:42:06.000 And the other one is like cheesy.

00:42:07.000 Yeah, one's like Hooter girls. 1.00

00:42:09.000 I heard. 0.99

00:42:10.000 One of them I think has, you have to like talk and give like a speech and shit. 0.99

00:42:15.000 And the other one you just fucking flur your baton and Miss America. 1.00

00:42:20.000 Flip your, what's the word? 0.99

00:42:20.000 What's it called? 0.99

00:42:22.000 Flip your.

00:42:23.000 For batons.

00:42:24.000 Flip your lid. 1.00

00:42:26.000 All they are is a who I'd most like to fuck contest. 1.00

00:42:30.000 And the fact that we still give a shit who wins the who I'd most like to fuck contest in 2010, that's very strange. 0.99

00:42:37.000 And this one is very controversial because the last woman who was in the big controversy was that Carrie Prijon chick who hated gays or didn't want him to get married or whatever. 0.99

00:42:49.000 She didn't hate gays.

00:42:51.000 I'm just putting words in her mouth.

00:42:52.000 She was just upset.

00:42:54.000 She only thought regular marriage.

00:42:55.000 She was opposed to opposite marriage.

00:42:57.000 Or she was opposed to same-sex marriage, but she supported opposite sex marriage.

00:43:04.000 That's how she described it, like opposite marriage. 0.62

00:43:07.000 She was a train wreck. 1.00

00:43:08.000 Well, she was just a dumb chick who's hot. 1.00

00:43:11.000 If you're a dumb chick and you're hot, how hard is it to have your shit together? 1.00

00:43:14.000 Virtually impossible. 1.00

00:43:16.000 You're around people that tell you you're awesome all day long. 1.00

00:43:19.000 Everybody wants to fuck you. 1.00

00:43:21.000 You don't even know what color the sky is. 1.00

00:43:22.000 What the fuck do you know? 0.99

00:43:25.000 Could you imagine what it must be like? 1.00

00:43:27.000 How hard is it to be enlightened and to be free and to be without ego if you're a hot chick in like your 20s?

00:43:36.000 Dude, everywhere you go, everyone treats you like you have the Willy Wonka golden ticket.

00:43:44.000 Everywhere you go, guys are willing to leave their wives.

00:43:48.000 They're tripping over themselves.

00:43:49.000 They're trying to buy you things.

00:43:51.000 They're trying to take you out.

00:43:52.000 Everywhere you go. 0.99

00:43:55.000 It sucks dating those girls, too. 1.00

00:43:57.000 Why does it suck? 0.99

00:43:58.000 Because then they're so used to a certain way that you're, you know what I mean? 0.97

00:44:02.000 You got to keep the pimp pants strong, son. 1.00

00:44:03.000 You got to fuck them right, and then don't call them. 1.00

00:44:06.000 Just make them know the game's different now, okay? 1.00

00:44:10.000 I'm not that 60-year-old man that bought you a Ferrari, all right? 0.99

00:44:14.000 I'm here to give you some dick, and then we're on equal terms. 1.00

00:44:18.000 We're not getting crazy. 0.99

00:44:19.000 I don't have to buy you things. 1.00

00:44:20.000 Settle the fuck down. 1.00

00:44:23.000 They'll get mad at you if you don't buy them things, though, right? 0.99

00:44:25.000 Yeah.

00:44:26.000 You don't care.

00:44:27.000 The last boyfriend cared.

00:44:28.000 Look what he bought her. 0.97

00:44:29.000 He bought her all these diamonds.

00:44:30.000 He bought her all these things.

00:44:32.000 And they get to walk around with them.

00:44:34.000 And the walking around with them is very important.

00:44:36.000 It's more important than having them. 0.99

00:44:38.000 They want everybody to see that someone loves them so much they spent all this fucking money. 1.00

00:44:44.000 So that Miss USA chick, she was a big problem because she didn't like the gay. 1.00

00:44:49.000 So the fucking Christians got all crazy with her. 1.00

00:44:51.000 And they were like, yes, you're on our side. 1.00

00:44:53.000 Then it turned out she did some porn. 1.00

00:44:54.000 She had made her own home movies with a big dildo and shit. 1.00

00:44:57.000 She had a dildo in her ass or something. 1.00

00:44:59.000 There's all these different versions of what actually happened. 1.00

00:45:02.000 But she went into sue.

00:45:03.000 She was trying to sue Miss USA and she was like talking crazy lawsuit talk. 0.95

00:45:07.000 And they're like, really? 0.99

00:45:08.000 Why don't you sit the fuck down? 1.00

00:45:10.000 We're going to show you this video of you with a big black rubber dick in your asshole or whatever happened. 1.00

00:45:16.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:45:17.000 We just should clarify for the broadcast. 0.98

00:45:19.000 We don't know what exactly was on that tape, but apparently it was some shit that you're not supposed to do if you're Miss USA, which is hilarious. 0.99

00:45:26.000 You're in a who I'd most like to fuck contest, and there can't even be a video of you out there fucking. 1.00

00:45:30.000 We can assume that you fuck, but if you capture it on video, that's in violation and you're going to attract undue attention to our cause. 1.00

00:45:39.000 Our cause of the Miss Who I'd Most Like to Fuck contest. 1.00

00:45:42.000 Like, What the fuck is wrong with people? 1.00

00:45:46.000 When I was in high school, I would go to Hooters and just be complete assholes. 1.00

00:45:50.000 We would go, all right, since it's called Hooters, we're allowed to look at their Hooters. 0.98

00:45:54.000 So we're just going to go in there and stare at their Hooters and not even look at their face as a joke.

00:45:58.000 How old are you guys?

00:45:58.000 Let's do it.

00:45:59.000 This is like 15, 16 years old. 0.99

00:46:01.000 And so we just go there and like the whole time just staring at their tits. 1.00

00:46:04.000 That's rude, dude. 0.98

00:46:05.000 I hope you feel bad about that.

00:46:06.000 I do feel bad about it.

00:46:07.000 When you get really stoned, does it haunt you?

00:46:09.000 Yeah.

00:46:10.000 It does.

00:46:10.000 When you eat like a brownie?

00:46:12.000 When chicken wing.

00:46:13.000 You ever eat a brownie in your childhood haunts you? 0.99

00:46:16.000 You think I did some douchey shit when I was in eighth grade? 0.99

00:46:19.000 There was like this baby cardinal once where it was like fell out of its tree and was hurt and stuff. 0.99

00:46:23.000 And I just remember being a kid throwing rocks at it.

00:46:26.000 And I'm just like, and it haunts me, like that little cardinal.

00:46:28.000 Yeah.

00:46:29.000 Me and my friend Tim, we went hunting for squirrels.

00:46:34.000 And no, it was my friend David.

00:46:36.000 We went hunting for squirrels with slingshots.

00:46:39.000 And then we tagged the squirrel and he fell out of the tree and then we killed him. 0.99

00:46:42.000 And I was like, what the fuck are we doing? 0.99

00:46:44.000 Like, why are we killing the squirrel? 1.00

00:46:46.000 The squirrel didn't do shit to me. 0.99

00:46:46.000 Like, why? 0.99

00:46:48.000 You know, it's just like we wanted to see if we could do it and we did it.

00:46:52.000 Yeah, we played squirrel baseball, throwing baseballs at squirrels on power lines.

00:46:56.000 Oh, dude.

00:46:58.000 It's fun. 1.00

00:46:59.000 It's so fucked up, the things you do. 1.00

00:47:01.000 Like, you're so inconsiderate when you're 15. 1.00

00:47:04.000 You know, and then you, I don't think I was even 15.

00:47:06.000 I was 14, and I never did it again.

00:47:08.000 I was like, God, it was like one thing about eating that squirrel, but I just killed that squirrel with a marble. 0.91

00:47:13.000 I shot him with a marble. 0.93

00:47:14.000 Like, for what? 1.00

00:47:16.000 How stupid is that? 0.99

00:47:17.000 You know, but you learn from those experiences and then you learn from that terrible feeling and you never do it again. 1.00

00:47:23.000 But God, I wish I didn't have to do it in the first place to learn that. 0.99

00:47:27.000 Some people are so fucking insensitive. 0.98

00:47:30.000 Like, some people, like, how many people do you see just throwing cigarettes out the window? 1.00

00:47:33.000 We were talking about that.

00:47:34.000 All the time.

00:47:36.000 So inconsiderate, man.

00:47:37.000 It's funny because you trained.

00:47:38.000 I used to do it, though. 0.96

00:47:39.000 That sucked.

00:47:40.000 When did you stop doing it? 0.97

00:47:41.000 When I moved to California.

00:47:43.000 Really?

00:47:43.000 Yeah.

00:47:44.000 It's like a California thing, I think.

00:47:46.000 Why did California make you stop doing it?

00:47:47.000 Because in Ohio.

00:47:48.000 It was normal.

00:47:49.000 It was normal.

00:47:50.000 And in California.

00:47:51.000 I mean, cops would do it.

00:47:53.000 Whoa.

00:47:54.000 Really?

00:47:54.000 Yeah.

00:47:54.000 Cops would be smoking a cigarette while they're writing you a ticket and just flick it on the ground.

00:47:58.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00

00:48:00.000 What is it about smokers that makes them think that the world is a garbage? 1.00

00:48:03.000 Because up to recently, that was normal. 0.98

00:48:06.000 Right, but why is that normal?

00:48:08.000 Why is it normal?

00:48:09.000 I had a friend who used to do it. 1.00

00:48:10.000 He goes, hey, fucking taxes. 1.00

00:48:11.000 They pay to clean the streets. 1.00

00:48:12.000 Like, that was his thing.

00:48:13.000 He would smoke, he'd flick it on the ground, and I go, why don't you just pick that up?

00:48:17.000 Why do you have to throw that on the ground? 1.00

00:48:18.000 He's like, hey, fucking taxes. 1.00

00:48:20.000 There's a guy who does his job. 1.00

00:48:21.000 Is it because it decomposes?

00:48:22.000 Is that what it is?

00:48:24.000 No.

00:48:24.000 It's decomposed?

00:48:25.000 Oh, man. 0.99

00:48:26.000 There's a fucking, there's plastic in that thing. 1.00

00:48:27.000 Who knows what the goddamn shelf life is on a cigarette filter? 0.99

00:48:30.000 Because, I mean, like, you know how you can, like throw, like, a banana out the window, and that's not good. 1.00

00:48:34.000 That's a fucking organic thing. 0.95

00:48:35.000 I know, but a cigarette filter is not an organic thing. 0.98

00:48:38.000 I mean, there may be biodegradable cigarette filters, but I mean, how long does it take them?

00:48:43.000 How many of them are biodegradable and how long does it take them to dissolve?

00:48:47.000 Flicking your cigarette out the window creates jobs.

00:48:50.000 Yeah, that's what my friend's argument was.

00:48:52.000 Someone saying that on Twitter.

00:48:53.000 That's what my friend's argument was. 1.00

00:48:55.000 Hey, this fucking guy does this for a living. 1.00

00:48:57.000 This is what he does. 1.00

00:48:57.000 He has to clean up. 1.00

00:48:59.000 His argument was that somebody gets paid to do it, so it's like cleaning up at a restaurant.

00:49:03.000 Why should you clean up?

00:49:05.000 You know, you don't clean up.

00:49:06.000 The waitress is there to clean up.

00:49:07.000 That's her job. 0.97

00:49:08.000 He thought the city streets were there to be clean.

00:49:10.000 So he would just flick his ashes everywhere.

00:49:13.000 Yeah, it's one of those things I guess I never got.

00:49:15.000 I never understood.

00:49:16.000 I just did what everybody else did.

00:49:17.000 Because everybody else did it.

00:49:19.000 Did you start to feel bad about it?

00:49:20.000 You were the one that made me feel bad about it because when we were at the comedy store, I flicked it on the ground and you were just like, pick that up. 0.99

00:49:24.000 What the fuck are you doing? 0.98

00:49:25.000 And I'm like, what? 1.00

00:49:26.000 What are you talking about?

00:49:27.000 You just don't throw it on the ground.

00:49:29.000 And it was you who were like, and I was like, really?

00:49:30.000 I have a thing for you.

00:49:33.000 I have a thing for you.

00:49:33.000 Yeah, man.

00:49:34.000 You were the first person to say it, though.

00:49:36.000 Really?

00:49:36.000 No one ever told you not to litter.

00:49:38.000 Ever.

00:49:38.000 That's crazy.

00:49:39.000 Not cigarettes.

00:49:40.000 Really?

00:49:40.000 No.

00:49:40.000 Yeah, ever.

00:49:41.000 You're the first person to ever do that.

00:49:46.000 I'm very sensitive about mess, like, leaving a mess.

00:49:50.000 Like, I don't ever want to inconvenience other people because I'm lazy and inconsiderate.

00:49:55.000 So it's like, I'll never like throw garbage on the ground.

00:49:58.000 If I drop something, I'll chase after a little receipt because I want to make sure that I pick that up and throw it out. 0.99

00:50:04.000 You know, I'm very sensitive about that shit. 1.00

00:50:06.000 I just think that that's a gross fucking characteristic of human beings. 1.00

00:50:10.000 And I don't ever want to see that myself. 1.00

00:50:12.000 That inconsiderate, like, lazy litterer. 0.94

00:50:16.000 You know, it's just a gross characteristic. 1.00

00:50:18.000 Like, we need to fucking move past that. 0.99

00:50:21.000 I see people in fucking hybrid cars all the time flicking cigarettes out the window. 1.00

00:50:27.000 That drives me nuts. 1.00

00:50:28.000 Remember, I was talking about that.

00:50:29.000 I did a whole thing about it like a year and a half ago in San Francisco.

00:50:32.000 Yeah.

00:50:33.000 I was screaming at them because I saw like four of them in a day.

00:50:36.000 Four guys in hybrid cars just throwing cigarettes out the window. 0.98

00:50:39.000 It's like, this is ridiculous. 1.00

00:50:41.000 Like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:50:44.000 What makes you think that that's okay? 0.99

00:50:46.000 You're fighting the oil companies and you're trying to be conservative with gasoline and everything like that.

00:50:52.000 Make sure that you leave a small footprint and you're throwing cigarettes out the window.

00:50:56.000 It's weird.

00:50:57.000 I'm like that with a lot of things where I'm like, I'm ashamed of myself at how I act. 0.94

00:51:01.000 Like, especially when I'm in a hotel room and I flick cum on the walls and stuff. 0.99

00:51:05.000 I'm like, yeah, fuck this. 1.00

00:51:06.000 Come on the wall. 1.00

00:51:06.000 Do you do that? 1.00

00:51:07.000 Yeah, I don't know why.

00:51:08.000 You do that still?

00:51:10.000 I do it all the time.

00:51:10.000 Yeah.

00:51:12.000 Oh, you're gross. 0.99

00:51:13.000 That's what the deal is. 0.96

00:51:14.000 There's a reason why a hotel room has so many washcloths.

00:51:17.000 Okay.

00:51:17.000 You're supposed to come in a few of those.

00:51:19.000 You're not supposed to be flicking around.

00:51:21.000 I think it's because I can't do it at home.

00:51:22.000 Oh.

00:51:23.000 You know what I mean? 0.97

00:51:23.000 I'm like, you know, I want to throw my cum everywhere. 0.97

00:51:25.000 Have you ever seen those television shows like Inside Edition or whatever the fuck they are? 0.99

00:51:29.000 You know, when they 2020, where they go to hotel rooms, we're going to take you into hotel rooms, find out what's really going on. 0.99

00:51:35.000 And they use like black light and they find jizz everywhere. 0.86

00:51:38.000 Dude, jizz.

00:51:39.000 And then on the glasses, I guess those glasses, they don't really clean them.

00:51:42.000 It's just like the woman like rinses it out and then puts a thing on it. 1.00

00:51:46.000 So I guess they did it.

00:51:47.000 They swabbed all these glasses and like 90% of the glasses like had fecal matter on them. 0.98

00:51:52.000 Dude, they took the fucking black light to this one comforter and it looked like a Jackson Pollock painting. 0.99

00:51:59.000 It was just all Jizz. 1.00

00:52:00.000 It was just dried jizz all over this fucking thing. 1.00

00:52:04.000 It was like a goddamn constellation. 1.00

00:52:07.000 It was disgusting. 1.00

00:52:08.000 There was just loads all over it.

00:52:10.000 And they were like talking about what the different things was.

00:52:13.000 This is blood.

00:52:14.000 This is probably, and they were saying that it was one of them was period blood.

00:52:17.000 They were very specific.

00:52:18.000 This is menstrual blood, most likely.

00:52:22.000 This is sperm. 1.00

00:52:23.000 Like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:52:25.000 You know, if you think about it, that's what you're sleeping in. 1.00

00:52:27.000 You know?

00:52:28.000 What all the loads that you've blown on hotel sheets.

00:52:32.000 And those sheets just get washed. 0.85

00:52:34.000 They probably do a shitty job.

00:52:35.000 What's crazy is they don't even wash the comforter. 0.90

00:52:37.000 You know, like once a month or something like that.

00:52:39.000 That's the thing, yeah.

00:52:40.000 That's where all the loads are.

00:52:41.000 That's what they found this show.

00:52:44.000 It was the comforter and the headboard.

00:52:46.000 You know, especially those beds that have like a cloth headboard. 0.99

00:52:49.000 It's just fucking boom. 0.95

00:52:51.000 It's just like the back windshield in pulp fiction. 1.00

00:52:54.000 Josh Walter shot that dude in the head. 0.86

00:52:57.000 Boom. 1.00

00:52:58.000 It's just loads all over that fucking headboard. 1.00

00:52:58.000 That's what it is. 1.00

00:53:01.000 What was that dude's name, Kenny?

00:53:03.000 I forget.

00:53:03.000 He just shot Kenny in the head.

00:53:06.000 That was the really uncomfortable scene where Quentin Tarantino tried to be down and said the word nigger to Samuel Jackson and kept saying it. 0.99

00:53:14.000 I got a dead nigger in my house. 1.00

00:53:15.000 Like, why do I have a dead nigger in my house? 1.00

00:53:17.000 And it was like, what? 1.00

00:53:18.000 Who the fuck talks like that? 1.00

00:53:20.000 You know, who, there's not even gangsters, even, there's no white guys that talk like that to black guys. 1.00

00:53:28.000 Why do I have a dead nigger in my house? 1.00

00:53:30.000 I mean, that scene was so fake. 0.99

00:53:32.000 And it was so like him living out some weird white boy fantasy where he wants to be able to say nigger to a black guy because he wrote it in a script. 0.90

00:53:39.000 Yeah.

00:53:39.000 You know, I used to be a big Quentin Tarantino fan, but, you know, when I see, I saw that TMZ video.

00:53:44.000 You ever see that where he attacks like the cameraman?

00:53:47.000 No. 1.00

00:53:47.000 And he just came off such a, like a dick. 1.00

00:53:52.000 I've seen him come off really cool in interviews, and I've seen him come on off like a dick, but I think he's a volatile guy because he's a creative guy and he's probably super fucking busy all the time, man, a lot of stress. 1.00

00:54:02.000 And if you catch him at the wrong time and you're trying to talk shit to him and be stupid, he's very likely to talk shit back to you and come off all douchey. 0.99

00:54:09.000 But you've got to think, what's the situation? 1.00

00:54:11.000 It's not him forcing his doucheiness on someone.

00:54:14.000 It's someone wanting to videotape him when he doesn't want to be videotaped.

00:54:17.000 Someone coming up.

00:54:18.000 I can't remember, but I think it was just somebody. 0.93

00:54:20.000 Damn, I wish I could find that link right now. 0.54

00:54:22.000 I think it was somebody going, hey, I'm a big fan of your movies and stuff like that. 0.97

00:54:25.000 And he was just like.

00:54:26.000 Really?

00:54:26.000 Yeah, I think it was something like that.

00:54:27.000 I remember thinking, wow, that's...

00:54:33.000 Maybe that just drives him nuts.

00:54:34.000 I don't know.

00:54:35.000 I'm a big fan of pulp fiction. 1.00

00:54:37.000 I love that fucking movie. 1.00

00:54:38.000 But then I read all that shit that Roger Avery said. 1.00

00:54:41.000 Roger Avery, who's in jail. 0.99

00:54:43.000 He claims that there was like a movie that Quentin Tarantino did, where he was a star in the movie, where he had this whole scene about Top Gun.

00:54:51.000 Do you remember the scene?

00:54:52.000 No.

00:54:54.000 It was a whole scene in this movie about Top Gun being a gay story. 0.95

00:54:58.000 And this is why it's gay. 1.00

00:55:00.000 And he goes into this whole rant. 0.87

00:55:03.000 Well, apparently that was like Roger Avery's rant.

00:55:06.000 And Roger Avery, yeah, Roger Avery wrote Killing Zoe, which is an awesome movie.

00:55:11.000 If you've never seen it, really interesting, cool crime movie.

00:55:15.000 And he wrote pulp fiction with Quentin Tarantino.

00:55:18.000 And, you know, they would collaborate on things.

00:55:20.000 And then, you know, he would say, tell me how these stories.

00:55:23.000 Oh, I see.

00:55:24.000 He's pushing that.

00:55:24.000 He slapped him.

00:55:25.000 Yeah, well, maybe that guy needed to be fucking. 0.99

00:55:27.000 Do you want to hear the audio real quick? 0.99

00:55:28.000 Okay, let's play the audio.

00:55:30.000 Play the audio and put it up to your microphone.

00:55:31.000 And it's called Tarantino Slaps a Cameraman.

00:55:34.000 This is what it's called.

00:55:35.000 Okay, let me pause this real quick.

00:55:37.000 And okay, let's play it.

00:55:43.000 So he's walking through this parking lot.

00:55:45.000 What's going on here?

00:55:46.000 I'm listening.

00:55:47.000 What's going on here?

00:55:48.000 What's going on here?

00:55:49.000 What's going on here?

00:55:49.000 Put that down.

00:55:50.000 What are you doing?

00:55:51.000 What are you doing?

00:55:52.000 Can you not talk to me?

00:55:56.000 No more.

00:55:56.000 What are you doing?

00:55:57.000 That's...

00:56:05.000 That's just me.

00:56:06.000 Hold on.

00:56:07.000 Keep it going.

00:56:08.000 Go.

00:56:09.000 Go for it.

00:56:10.000 Go, go, go, go.

00:56:11.000 Go for it.

00:56:12.000 Go for it.

00:56:13.000 Yeah.

00:56:16.000 You started it.

00:56:17.000 Oh, I'm starting it?

00:56:18.000 Yeah.

00:56:19.000 Are you.

00:56:20.000 So you achieve that as a guy running.

00:56:25.000 Yeah, you know, you can do it.

00:56:27.000 Yeah, because you're filming. 1.00

00:56:28.000 But if that was up, I mean, we'll put your ass up and down this tree. 1.00

00:56:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:56:31.000 go That's interesting.

00:56:44.000 And if you look at the...

00:56:53.000 I'll put it in your chat on the U stream.

00:56:56.000 But if you look at the other videos, like the related videos, like Quentin Tarantino spits on some guy, spits on a reporter. 0.99

00:57:04.000 Well, he doesn't like to be fucked with, maybe. 0.99

00:57:07.000 That guy just came up to him with a camera, and he wouldn't tell him what it was about, and he's just sticking a camera in his face. 1.00

00:57:11.000 And maybe he felt like he was being violated, and he felt like that guy was a dickhead. 0.98

00:57:15.000 You know, I mean, look, I could see his point. 0.99

00:57:18.000 Look, when someone's fucking with you like that, you know, they don't always catch you in the most perfect of moods. 0.99

00:57:26.000 You know, I mean, he could easily be involved in some big, stressful fucking thing with some movie he's doing, and he's in the middle of this shit, and then he steps outside and some guy's got a camera in his face. 0.99

00:57:35.000 He's like, what are you doing, man? 0.99

00:57:36.000 Why are you doing this?

00:57:37.000 And the guy won't say anything to him, or the guy won't explain it to him, and he gets mad.

00:57:41.000 It's possible. 0.98

00:57:42.000 Maybe he just sense the guy was a douchebag. 0.96

00:57:44.000 We're not seeing the guy with the camera. 0.83

00:57:47.000 I just posted it on my Twitter, Redband.com or Redband, R-E-D B-A-N. 1.00

00:57:52.000 Tarantino's a bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:57:53.000 Well, Pulp Fiction was an awesome movie, but I don't know. 0.99

00:57:56.000 The whole Roger Avery thing is unfortunate.

00:57:59.000 Roger Avery says that that whole Top Gun rant was like his rant and that Tarantino, he said it in front of Tarantino and Tarantino went and put it in a movie.

00:58:08.000 But Tarantino, that's what he does, kind of like with his movies.

00:58:11.000 A lot of his movies are like old stories that he kind of like redoes, right?

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:15.000 Well, you've been, we were talking about earlier about the Hurt Locker, how that guy's suing the writer of The Hurt Locker, saying that he took a article that he did for Playboy, I guess, about his time in the bomb squad and they re-wrote it into The movie The Hurt Locker.

00:58:31.000 And it's really similar.

00:58:33.000 Like, the guy had blonde hair, blue eye came from a trailer.

00:58:37.000 The whole deal.

00:58:38.000 Like, his story is exactly that story.

00:58:40.000 But in their defense, like, how many guys in the military are blonde hair, blue eye, come from trailers?

00:58:45.000 It's probably a lot.

00:58:46.000 Yeah.

00:58:46.000 You know?

00:58:47.000 Oh, totally.

00:58:48.000 The fact that he was actually a bomb specialist.

00:58:51.000 Right.

00:58:52.000 Detonation specialist, and this guy was as well.

00:58:54.000 Yeah.

00:58:55.000 And what's crazy even is the creator of those movies are supposedly going to sue thousands of BitTorrent users, people that have downloaded the movie illegally on the internet, and they're going to go after all these users, which I thought was very metallic-y.

00:59:09.000 Metallick-y. 0.85

00:59:10.000 Yeah, like the old nasty.

00:59:11.000 Very Mars Ehrlich.

00:59:13.000 Yeah, very douchey.

00:59:14.000 Do you think that that's douchey?

00:59:15.000 I think it is douchey.

00:59:16.000 Well, if it's his movie, right?

00:59:17.000 And if he's losing money because all these people I don't know.

00:59:22.000 I mean, that's an argument right there.

00:59:24.000 It is an argument, but it's, you know, look, no one has a right to it for free.

00:59:28.000 That's an argument as well.

00:59:30.000 You don't have a right to be downloading someone's work.

00:59:32.000 These guys worked.

00:59:33.000 They did all this time, Paul's time, put all this effort, made a script, cast it, got funding, the whole deal.

00:59:42.000 And all you do is just press a button on BitTorrent and boink, and you got it on your desktop and you watch it for free. 0.89

00:59:48.000 There's something fucked up about that. 0.84

00:59:50.000 It's not like a band. 0.97

00:59:52.000 If you go see a band, say if you download a band's MP3s and you got them, you know, off LimeWire or some shit, and then you go, well, I'm going to go support these guys.

01:00:00.000 I'm going to see them in concert.

01:00:02.000 I'm going to buy the CD because I liked it so much. 0.99

01:00:05.000 I'm going to become a fan of this band because I downloaded their shit for free. 0.66

01:00:10.000 Is that really going to help you with this guy, with his movie? 0.94

01:00:12.000 I mean, when's his next movie? 0.96

01:00:13.000 A fucking year from now or something like that? 0.94

01:00:15.000 I mean, are you really going to be excited to go see his next work? 0.99

01:00:19.000 Is it advertise him? 1.00

01:00:20.000 Does he get anything out of you stealing his shit? 0.99

01:00:22.000 It depends if he was how good this movie is and how good of a director he is. 1.00

01:00:26.000 If he was Quentin Tarantino doing Pulp Fiction and I downloaded that, I'd be like, holy shit, I'm buying that shit on Blu-ray. 0.99

01:00:30.000 I'm following. 0.99

01:00:31.000 I'm watching every movie this guy does.

01:00:33.000 You know what I mean?

01:00:34.000 Oh, I see that argument. 1.00

01:00:35.000 Or you might just decide to steal his next shit. 1.00

01:00:38.000 Like, oh, his next shit's coming out. 1.00

01:00:39.000 Like, you really, do you support them? 1.00

01:00:41.000 Do you do that?

01:00:42.000 Like, if you download something and you like it, do you support the artist?

01:00:44.000 Absolutely, absolutely.

01:00:45.000 Yeah, I do too.

01:00:46.000 I think that's important, man.

01:00:47.000 It doesn't happen quite as often that it should, though, I don't think.

01:00:52.000 Do you do that with movies?

01:00:53.000 Like, if you download a movie and you really like it, do you buy it?

01:00:55.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, totally, totally.

01:00:56.000 Beowulf was one of them.

01:00:58.000 I downloaded Beowulf and I'm going to go to the back of the corner.

01:00:59.000 How does that work?

01:01:00.000 What if you have a legal copy in your house and then you also have an illegal copy on your computer?

01:01:05.000 It should cancel it out, but I don't think that's how it works.

01:01:07.000 It should totally, right?

01:01:08.000 Yeah.

01:01:09.000 You should be able to have a copy as long as you're not putting it up on some sites or something like that. 0.92

01:01:13.000 If you have your own copy, what the fuck is wrong with that?

01:01:15.000 Yeah, you know, it would be cool. 0.94

01:01:16.000 It's like if you got in trouble and they're like, all right, you're going to go to court for $100,000, but you have 24 hours to buy this movie on DVD.

01:01:23.000 Yeah, that's actually a good move, right?

01:01:26.000 That's a great move.

01:01:28.000 Just sue everybody, but you have to buy it on Blu-ray in 24 hours.

01:01:32.000 It's a tricky argument, man.

01:01:34.000 It's a tricky argument because, you know, what's going on on the internet now is that anything can be broken down to ones and zeros.

01:01:41.000 I mean, these images, these videos, these song files, these audio files, it's all just ones and zeros flying through the tubes.

01:01:49.000 And anybody can put it up there and anybody can pull it down. 0.92

01:01:53.000 And when you can convert a movie and you do all the time into something digital that's downloadable, it's like, how the fuck do you control that? 0.69

01:02:02.000 You have to just hope that you make enough money when the movie's out and that enough people get excited about it to buy the DVD for all the extra features and all that shit.

01:02:11.000 But then people take the DVDs after they're released and they put those up.

01:02:14.000 What I don't get is a friend of ours actually just got a letter from their ISP saying that ABC has caught them for downloading a bunch.

01:02:25.000 Did you? 0.99

01:02:27.000 That ABC has caught them for downloading a bunch of shit. 0.99

01:02:30.000 And they're like, this is just a warning. 0.99

01:02:33.000 Nothing's happening right now.

01:02:34.000 But we just wanted to let you know that ABC sent us this letter and they know about you downloading. 0.98

01:02:38.000 So chill the fuck out. 0.99

01:02:39.000 Whoa. 0.60

01:02:40.000 But what's crazy is it wasn't anything.

01:02:43.000 It was TV shows.

01:02:44.000 Free TV.

01:02:45.000 It was like lost and stuff like that.

01:02:48.000 It wasn't even a movie.

01:02:49.000 So, but was he downloading it illegally?

01:02:51.000 Yeah, he was downloading them illegally.

01:02:53.000 I'm not supposed to do that because they have their own sites and there's pay services.

01:02:57.000 I just thought it was crazy that they caught him for something free instead of like him getting caught for like avatar.

01:02:57.000 I know.

01:03:03.000 And did he do this through BitTorrent?

01:03:05.000 Is that how he did it?

01:03:06.000 Yeah.

01:03:07.000 That's it.

01:03:07.000 Wow, and they busted him.

01:03:08.000 But see, you know, he's one of those guys.

01:03:09.000 Yeah, but you know, he's one of those guys.

01:03:10.000 I don't know if you do this either.

01:03:12.000 But he's one of those guys that downloads a movie and then keeps it seeding for like two months.

01:03:17.000 You know?

01:03:18.000 Oh, really?

01:03:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:03:21.000 Oh, that's probably what they caught him doing.

01:03:21.000 Yeah.

01:03:23.000 They probably caught him seeding the video.

01:03:25.000 Yeah, so that's why they caught him.

01:03:26.000 But see, but I am one of those guys, once I download a seconds download, delete torrent file, you know, and just.

01:03:32.000 I wonder how many people do that. 0.98

01:03:33.000 Like, they look at their shit and they go, okay, where were all these coming from? 1.00

01:03:38.000 They're coming from this one. 1.00

01:03:39.000 And what is this guy doing?

01:03:40.000 Oh, look at this.

01:03:41.000 He's put up all these things that we have, and it's coming from this one user.

01:03:44.000 Let's find out who this ISP belongs to.

01:03:46.000 I think a lot of people don't even know how to use the torrent system.

01:03:48.000 So you get a lot of young kids or moms that are downloading Sex in the City, and they just keep the torrent going for life.

01:03:55.000 What do they do?

01:03:56.000 They get your IP from that, or they find out your ISP?

01:03:59.000 Your ISP is your internet service provider, and the internet protocol is your specific number that everyone that gets online, if you don't know this, you have a very specific number.

01:04:07.000 It could be static or it could fluctuate.

01:04:11.000 It could fluctuate if you have dial-up.

01:04:12.000 Like every time you do it, you get a different IP, right?

01:04:14.000 So what it is, it's these movie places putting out their own torrents and seeds and collecting IP addresses from, like, they'll put their own movies out.

01:04:14.000 Right.

01:04:23.000 Really?

01:04:23.000 Yeah.

01:04:24.000 So they put their movie out on purpose to see if you download it?

01:04:27.000 I think that's one of their ways they are doing it. 1.00

01:04:29.000 Dude, that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard of. 1.00

01:04:31.000 That's like, that should be... 1.00

01:04:35.000 I think that's a lot of it, though, is a lot of it is if you download, like I downloaded an Eminem CD once, and it was like all these songs were loops.

01:04:43.000 And I think it was like, there's like bait, you know.

01:04:45.000 So they put out shitty versions of it. 0.99

01:04:48.000 Well, that's ridiculous. 0.99

01:04:50.000 Didn't Madonna put out one? 0.95

01:04:52.000 I wish I got a hold of that one.

01:04:54.000 I would love to see that.

01:04:55.000 Because Madonna put out one where it was like her music, like her new CD. 1.00

01:04:59.000 And she's like, if you Fucking download music, I'll kick your ass. 1.00

01:05:03.000 Something crazy about that. 1.00

01:05:04.000 If you download music illegally, I'll kick your ass. 1.00

01:05:09.000 That to me sounds like you know, just the fact that they're doing that, putting out bogus versions of it or versions of their shit where they can track you from, you know, that sound, and that's that's that's ridiculous. 1.00

01:05:21.000 They're just trying to arrest people and scare people now. 0.99

01:05:24.000 I think that's dumb. 0.61

01:05:25.000 I think putting out versions of it to track people, like really, that's like, that's like you're putting out the bait. 0.96

01:05:31.000 You're putting it out there, you know, even if people are already downloading it, you're actually putting it out there hoping people will do things illegally with it.

01:05:38.000 But it's out there because of you. 0.99

01:05:39.000 That seems to me to be fucked up. 0.99

01:05:42.000 There's a funny story, man, about these undercover cops that arrested other undercover cops. 0.99

01:05:48.000 There was this whole drug deal that was set up between these undercover cops that were posing as drug dealers and these other undercover cops that were posing as buyers to the drugs.

01:05:57.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:58.000 And these fucking dummies, they went to arrest each other. 1.00

01:06:02.000 That's so awesome. 1.00

01:06:03.000 Man, I want to see that on video.

01:06:05.000 They're both undercover.

01:06:07.000 I don't know what state it's in.

01:06:09.000 I want to download that.

01:06:10.000 The Irdell County.

01:06:13.000 I don't know what that is.

01:06:14.000 I should find out just so everybody knows.

01:06:16.000 But the story is that these guys, they went to their superiors and they said, hey, we're about to make a bust.

01:06:22.000 Oh, North Carolina.

01:06:24.000 They're about to make this bust.

01:06:25.000 So they said they wanted to find out if they had anybody else, if somebody had anybody working undercover. 1.00

01:06:32.000 And they always say no to that shit because they could be dirty cops and the dirty cops could pay off drug dealers. 1.00

01:06:38.000 So the drug dealers find out that these guys are undercover and they kill them. 1.00

01:06:41.000 So they always say no.

01:06:43.000 Do you have anybody undercover?

01:06:44.000 No.

01:06:45.000 So they say, okay, they're not undercovers.

01:06:47.000 We've approved it.

01:06:48.000 Let's arrest them. 0.87

01:06:49.000 So they use all these resources and the whole thing is them.

01:06:54.000 They're the drug dealer. 0.98

01:06:55.000 They're the drug buyer. 0.99

01:06:57.000 They're fake drug dealers and fake drug buyers arresting each other.

01:07:02.000 We should get that money back.

01:07:03.000 We should find out how much that costs to do all that that you just did.

01:07:07.000 That's like a Roscoe Pico thing, you know? 1.00

01:07:10.000 That's a ridiculous cluster fuck. 1.00

01:07:12.000 That's one of the dumbest cluster fucks of all time. 1.00

01:07:14.000 Undercover cops arresting undercover cops. 1.00

01:07:17.000 Wow.

01:07:17.000 Yeah.

01:07:18.000 It's hilarious.

01:07:20.000 What's hilarious is that volcano, it's like taking all those planes and grounding planes.

01:07:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:26.000 Oh, yeah, still, right?

01:07:27.000 Yeah.

01:07:27.000 And what's great is Lindsay Lohan was out of town and she's supposed to like finish all these alcohol classes by like tomorrow.

01:07:33.000 And she's just like had four more to do.

01:07:35.000 And she was going to come back today and like do like four classes in one day. 0.98

01:07:39.000 She got grounded because of that.

01:07:40.000 So now she's going to jail. 1.00

01:07:42.000 Really?

01:07:44.000 She's going to go to jail because she had to be here for that? 1.00

01:07:47.000 She's supposed to be here tomorrow and she's supposed to have had all these classes done and she can't even get home to do it. 0.99

01:07:52.000 So they're saying there's that many planes are still being grounded because of that volcano.

01:07:56.000 Yeah.

01:07:56.000 Whoa.

01:07:57.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:07:58.000 Fucking by the way, when I was in Portland, how crazy was it driving down the highway seeing that Mount whatever? 0.98

01:08:03.000 Rushmore. 0.99

01:08:04.000 Rushmore.

01:08:05.000 What's the one?

01:08:06.000 What's the one that blew up?

01:08:07.000 Fuji?

01:08:08.000 No.

01:08:12.000 Mount St. Helens, you found it.

01:08:14.000 Yeah.

01:08:14.000 So it's so crazy seeing that thing in the middle, just this huge volcano.

01:08:14.000 Mount St. Helens.

01:08:18.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

01:08:20.000 People died from that one, right? 1.00

01:08:21.000 I think so.

01:08:22.000 They had to do it.

01:08:22.000 Is that in Oregon or is that in Washington State?

01:08:24.000 Mount St. Helens is in Washington State.

01:08:26.000 But you can see it?

01:08:27.000 Yeah, well, we're on the corner of.

01:08:29.000 I guess Portland and Washington is like right next to each other.

01:08:32.000 Because we were going to Washington over this bridge back and forth all day long.

01:08:36.000 I was watching a show on tsunamis.

01:08:37.000 We were talking about the Pacific Northwest and how many times over the last thousand years it's been jacked.

01:08:42.000 But civilization there is so recent, we don't even realize it.

01:08:45.000 Civilization on the Pacific Northwest of the United States has only been the last 300 years.

01:08:50.000 And less. 0.99

01:08:51.000 Before that, there was Indians, of course, but I'm talking like big buildings and shit. 1.00

01:08:54.000 So the cycle of them getting hit by giant tsunamis, I mean, it happens every thousand years or so. 0.99

01:09:00.000 The whole side of the country gets hit with some fucking 1,000-foot-high wave and everything gets crushed. 0.97

01:09:06.000 Wow. 0.98

01:09:07.000 I guess what would Tyler Durden do.com?

01:09:10.000 I looked up flights and there's tons of flights still going on.

01:09:13.000 So she was lying. 0.99

01:09:14.000 So she's just fucked even more. 1.00

01:09:16.000 Oh, the dirty bitch. 1.00

01:09:18.000 She's probably doing coke and didn't want to fly. 1.00

01:09:21.000 Lindsay can't get a fly. 1.00

01:09:22.000 It's lying.

01:09:22.000 Sources say she can't get a flight back to the States because of the volcanic ash from Iceland.

01:09:27.000 Airports all over Europe are jam-packed and it's impossible to get a seat is what she's saying.

01:09:31.000 But Delta has five non-stop flights from Paris to New York City.

01:09:35.000 And I guess they just went through and found all these flights.

01:09:39.000 So the flights, not only there are flights, but they're not booked?

01:09:42.000 I guess so.

01:09:44.000 What does Tyler Durden do?

01:09:45.000 What would Tyler Durden do?

01:09:46.000 He says that?

01:09:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:47.000 The whole thing is very funny that people even give a shit. 1.00

01:09:49.000 Follow this poor young kid that's all fucked up on drugs. 1.00

01:09:53.000 And everybody thinks it's a funny deal. 0.99

01:09:56.000 Do you know what you would be like if you were hot and you were Lindsey Lohan, you were 23 years old and you're a multi-multi-fucking millionaire just out there doing drugs, getting stuffed every night? 1.00

01:10:05.000 He'd be fucking crazy too. 1.00

01:10:07.000 Who the fuck would not be crazy? 1.00

01:10:09.000 I want to know what person could keep it together as Lindsey Lohan. 1.00

01:10:12.000 Who could?

01:10:13.000 Who could live that girl's life? 1.00

01:10:14.000 23 fucking years old. 1.00

01:10:16.000 Looks like she's 40. 1.00

01:10:17.000 Been doing drugs since she was a little kid.

01:10:19.000 I mean, who could keep it together?

01:10:21.000 You know, became famous as like a child. 0.99

01:10:25.000 She went from basically from like junior high school to fucking superstardom. 1.00

01:10:30.000 Multi-millions of dollars, totally unrealistic life. 0.99

01:10:33.000 And the whole time we're supposed to be developing.

01:10:36.000 So you're supposed to be growing as a human being and figuring yourself out and being insecure and establishing yourself in the world.

01:10:42.000 The whole time that's all supposed to be happening, she's getting millions and millions of dollars for being famous and for pretending. 0.99

01:10:49.000 Who the fuck could do that and do it right? 0.99

01:10:53.000 The Jonas brothers, Miley Cyrus. 1.00

01:10:56.000 Yeah, right.

01:10:57.000 Those are ticking time bombs, my friend.

01:11:00.000 Those are guarantees.

01:11:01.000 Those are social guarantees. 1.00

01:11:03.000 No doubt they're going to be fucked up. 1.00

01:11:04.000 Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, neither one of them could stop from being fucked up. 1.00

01:11:10.000 Even together, they weren't strong enough, Brian. 0.99

01:11:12.000 Together.

01:11:13.000 Do you know he lived by me?

01:11:14.000 I didn't know that.

01:11:14.000 When he died.

01:11:15.000 Yeah.

01:11:17.000 People were mourning him outside of this apartment down the street from me. 0.99

01:11:20.000 I'm like, oh, shit, he lived there there. 0.99

01:11:21.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:11:22.000 Wow.

01:11:23.000 Yeah, that dude had it bad. 1.00

01:11:25.000 Drugs are a motherfucker. 1.00

01:11:26.000 People thought I looked like him growing up. 1.00

01:11:28.000 Really?

01:11:28.000 Hmm.

01:11:29.000 I don't see it.

01:11:30.000 Nope.

01:11:31.000 Don't see it.

01:11:32.000 Do you see it?

01:11:33.000 I did back in the day.

01:11:34.000 Really? 0.99

01:11:35.000 So, back to this fucking Miss America, because what I want to talk about is how many people are upset that this Miss America chick is Armenian, I guess. 0.99

01:11:46.000 Something like that. 1.00

01:11:49.000 Lebanese.

01:11:50.000 Sorry.

01:11:51.000 Armenians would be pissed right now. 1.00

01:11:52.000 If Carl Parisian was right here, bro.

01:11:54.000 Oh, bro. 0.99

01:11:55.000 You can't fucking say Lebanese and say Armenian, bro. 0.99

01:11:59.000 Bro. 1.00

01:12:00.000 But this chick, the most important thing is that she's American and she's hot as fuck. 1.00

01:12:05.000 Like, that's the dumbest thing ever. 1.00

01:12:08.000 You can't be from another country. 1.00

01:12:10.000 Your family can't be from an Arab country.

01:12:13.000 And you can't be considered an American just because we have issues with Arabs in other parts of the world.

01:12:19.000 Like, guess what? 1.00

01:12:20.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:12:20.000 Those aren't the same people. 1.00

01:12:21.000 Like, how dumb are people that that becomes an issue? 0.97

01:12:25.000 And that are people that are actually debating whether or not she got this job, she became Miss USA, because of political correctness and the open border Nazis. 1.00

01:12:36.000 Like, look at some of this shit that these people have said. 0.99

01:12:38.000 Like, this chick, right-wing pundit and Fox contributor, Michelle Malkin, ranted that the girl's name is Falki F-A-K-I-H. 0.99

01:12:53.000 I don't know how to say her name.

01:12:54.000 Faki's cheerleaders are too busy touting the identity politics horn to care what comes out of her mouth and that the Miss USA pageant didn't want to risk the wrath of the open borders mob. 1.00

01:13:09.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

01:13:10.000 So you're saying that one of the other chicks should have won the Who I'd Most Like the Fuck contest, and you're upset that this chick won because the reason why she won is because everybody's super sensitive and wants to support Arabs? 1.00

01:13:22.000 Like, really? 1.00

01:13:23.000 Like, how dumb is it that even Miss USA becomes like a topic of debate with these fuckheads? 1.00

01:13:29.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:13:29.000 Like, a political correction topic of debate. 1.00

01:13:31.000 Who cares? 1.00

01:13:32.000 She's fucking hot. 1.00

01:13:33.000 She can be a terrorist. 1.00

01:13:34.000 She's hot as fuck. 1.00

01:13:35.000 And she grew up going to Catholic school, man. 1.00

01:13:38.000 I mean, the whole thing is so fucking poorly researched. 0.97

01:13:42.000 And you're not even making any sense. 0.94

01:13:44.000 So you're saying that anybody, even someone who grows up and goes to Catholic school, they can't be on the team because somewhere in their past, there's someone who lives in some other part of the world and those people are still there.

01:14:00.000 Really?

01:14:02.000 Is that how we're rolling in 2010?

01:14:05.000 I mean, America is a gigantic group of immigrants. 0.99

01:14:09.000 And this chick and her family, obviously, wherever they lived, sucked. 1.00

01:14:12.000 And that's why they came here. 1.00

01:14:14.000 And the fact that they would actually argue that she doesn't deserve to win the who I'd most like the fuck contest because of that. 1.00

01:14:21.000 I mean, if she was fat and disgusting, you know, if she was like some Susan Boyle looking chick and it was totally ridiculous, then I could see the argument. 1.00

01:14:28.000 But how the fuck could you argue that that chick's not hot? 1.00

01:14:31.000 You can't. 1.00

01:14:32.000 What else do you have to do to win Miss USA? 0.99

01:14:34.000 What is the...

01:14:37.000 Do you have to dance?

01:14:37.000 Do you have to talk?

01:14:38.000 What do you have to do?

01:14:39.000 I think you have like a bathing suit contest.

01:14:41.000 I think you have to do like some kind of like – He asked her about gay marriage.

01:14:50.000 So you have to talk. 0.99

01:14:50.000 I think you're only allowed to have small nipples. 0.99

01:14:52.000 You can't have the big areolas. 0.99

01:14:55.000 You have to have a certain breed look, kind of like a dog. 1.00

01:14:58.000 This other chick, Gretchen Carlson, a bunch of hating bitches. 1.00

01:15:02.000 Bunch of hating bitches and all on Fox News. 1.00

01:15:05.000 Fox News is awesome. 1.00

01:15:06.000 Why is Fox News still around?

01:15:07.000 They're awesome. 1.00

01:15:08.000 They're awesome in their stupidity. 1.00

01:15:10.000 Did we already talk about why? 1.00

01:15:11.000 How is it that they are news?

01:15:13.000 How is it that they're allowed to call it news?

01:15:16.000 But how is it that they're so like that, but yet they have some of the most edgy cartoons and TV shows on their shows?

01:15:22.000 You know, like Simpsons and Family Guy, but yet their news is so like, you know, right wing. 0.97

01:15:27.000 Rupert Murdoch is super, super, super fucking rich. 0.92

01:15:31.000 And when you get that rich, there's only one way to be that rich. 1.00

01:15:34.000 The way to be that rich is, you know, you got to be a ruthless motherfucker businessman. 0.99

01:15:39.000 And that's what he is. 1.00

01:15:40.000 He's a ruthless motherfucker businessman. 0.99

01:15:41.000 And when you're like that and super shrewd and ruthless, you want conservative politics. 1.00

01:15:45.000 You want people that are protecting your money.

01:15:47.000 You want, you know, to be able to do things that are going to earn you money. 0.99

01:15:50.000 You don't want to have to hear about liberals and whininess and fucking environmental freaks and all these assholes that are going to stop you from making a good return this quarter. 0.99

01:15:59.000 And that's what it is. 0.99

01:16:00.000 When you get to be that super rich, very few guys are like Ted Turner that are that rich.

01:16:05.000 Ted Turner is like this humanitarian and is always giving you charities and very liberal.

01:16:11.000 And his network is thought of as a liberal network.

01:16:13.000 CNN is like the only, I mean, that's the one.

01:16:16.000 I guess MSNBC is pretty liberal too, right?

01:16:20.000 But watch him.

01:16:22.000 You don't watch any of those news shows?

01:16:23.000 Cartoon Network, and that's got it.

01:16:25.000 I like Fox News sometimes, man.

01:16:26.000 I like it just to know that there's people out there like that. 0.99

01:16:28.000 When I hear Bill O'Reilly and his fucking dumb smugness, I'm like, there's really a guy out there like that that is that satisfied with himself. 1.00

01:16:36.000 And he's his fucking dildo that got busted, leaving a message on his assistant's machine about how hot she is. 1.00

01:16:42.000 He's a total hypocrite. 1.00

01:16:43.000 He's a fucking creep. 1.00

01:16:45.000 And, you know, and yet he's somehow or another, he's found this niche on TV where people enjoy watching him, this niche. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Is that what you hang? 0.99

01:16:55.000 And these people enjoy watching this fucking buffoon rant and rave and yell at people who go on a show and have dissenting opinions. 0.99

01:17:03.000 Did you ever see that one where he went on about some kid whose parents died in 9-11 and he was saying that it was the kid was saying that this is Bush's fault and the reason why they're attacking us. 1.00

01:17:12.000 And he just fucking went off on the kid. 0.99

01:17:14.000 And the whole thing was just so dumb. 1.00

01:17:16.000 He kicked him out of there. 1.00

01:17:17.000 And it's like the way he has conversations, he's just fucking infantile. 0.99

01:17:22.000 And you got to wonder whether or not it's like, is he doing an act or is he that much of a douchebag? 0.99

01:17:27.000 Is it a combination of both? 0.99

01:17:29.000 And why the fuck is it so entertaining? 0.99

01:17:32.000 It's like listening to Christian radio when you're driving. 0.99

01:17:32.000 You know? 0.99

01:17:36.000 Dude, a lot of people like that Bill O'Reilly guy. 0.95

01:17:38.000 I think this because there's a lot of douchebags out there and douchebags want to hear from other douchebags. 1.00

01:17:45.000 One of the things he had Richard Dawkins on, who's this renowned intellectual and atheist. 0.92

01:17:51.000 And he wrote The God Delusion and a couple other books about religion and he thinks that religion is bad.

01:17:57.000 And so he was saying to Richard Dawkins.

01:18:00.000 Now, you can't prove that God doesn't exist.

01:18:04.000 So I'm throwing in with God.

01:18:06.000 Like, he literally said it like that.

01:18:08.000 Like, you know, if it's true and there is a God, I'm throwing in with God.

01:18:14.000 You can't prove that there is no God.

01:18:16.000 Which is like, you can't prove there's no Cheshire Cat.

01:18:19.000 You can't prove there's no, there's nothing, you can't prove anything.

01:18:22.000 You can never not prove, you know, especially when it comes to things like people, like science has never disproven, you know, the existence of Christ.

01:18:30.000 You can't disprove someone's existence.

01:18:33.000 It's impossible. 0.57

01:18:34.000 Like, how the fuck do you know who existed and who didn't? 0.81

01:18:38.000 Science isn't there to disprove. 0.95

01:18:40.000 Science is there to show me some evidence.

01:18:42.000 If science finds evidence, then they examine the evidence.

01:18:44.000 That's what it's all about.

01:18:45.000 When there is no evidence and there's no way to determine one way or another, you can't disprove.

01:18:50.000 You could take something like the Shroud of Turin and they say, oh, this is Jesus' burial cloth.

01:18:55.000 It's sacred.

01:18:56.000 And then you could do, well, okay, let's take a little bit of this cloth and find out how old it is.

01:19:00.000 Oh, look, it's only 500 years old.

01:19:03.000 How could it be Jesus' cloth?

01:19:04.000 You disprove it that way. 1.00

01:19:07.000 He's fucking dummy. 1.00

01:19:08.000 So this guy, you know, has a huge presence on that network, and he's got, you know, he's got the number one show on cable when it comes to like those kind of stupid new shows. 1.00

01:19:17.000 It's a huge show. 0.99

01:19:18.000 And it's retarded. 1.00

01:19:20.000 It's so bad. 0.97

01:19:21.000 Don't watch it.

01:19:22.000 Is Nancy Grace on that?

01:19:23.000 Is she on CNN or is she on CNN?

01:19:25.000 Yeah, she's on CNN, right?

01:19:26.000 I don't know her.

01:19:27.000 She's brutal. 1.00

01:19:28.000 You know you fucked up if Nancy Grace is talking about you. 1.00

01:19:31.000 If Nancy Grace is talking about you, there's a dead baby or, you know, you drowned your wife or something, right? 1.00

01:19:39.000 It's something serious. 1.00

01:19:40.000 There's some serious shit. 0.99

01:19:41.000 And she will hawk on the same subjects for weeks, waiting for the next disaster to pop up in the news so she could switch gears. 1.00

01:19:48.000 She talked about Tiger Woods for two weeks. 0.97

01:19:50.000 Can you imagine being poor fucking Tiger Woods, just trying to tune in some CNN, find out what's going on in the world? 1.00

01:19:56.000 And you got that hatchet-faced old cunt just talking shit about you for two weeks. 1.00

01:20:02.000 Like you would have figured, well, she talked about me yesterday, she's done. 1.00

01:20:05.000 No chance, dude.

01:20:07.000 She's not done.

01:20:08.000 She's not done for weeks.

01:20:09.000 She's going to keep going.

01:20:11.000 Tiger Woods.

01:20:12.000 Is she the blonde hair girl? 0.99

01:20:13.000 She ain't a girl. 1.00

01:20:13.000 Yes. 1.00

01:20:14.000 She ain't a girl. 1.00

01:20:15.000 She's a woman. 0.82

01:20:16.000 Blonde hair hole. 0.99

01:20:17.000 She's a woman. 0.82

01:20:18.000 She's an older woman.

01:20:19.000 I don't know.

01:20:20.000 I mean, not that much older, but she's older.

01:20:23.000 That's one thing that Fox News does well.

01:20:25.000 They put on a bunch of hot chicks. 1.00

01:20:27.000 They're some hot bitches. 1.00

01:20:28.000 Hot, angry, mean bitches. 1.00

01:20:30.000 Fox local news. 1.00

01:20:31.000 No, I'm talking about Fox News, period.

01:20:33.000 No, all Fox News. 0.99

01:20:34.000 Like, the Fox Local News, they're straight-up hookers. 1.00

01:20:36.000 Really? 0.99

01:20:37.000 Talk to me.

01:20:37.000 Tell me what's going on.

01:20:38.000 Dude, I have collected a bunch of clips about the local Fox News channel.

01:20:43.000 And not only does the weatherman dance, like, every time he's given the weather, he does like a straight-up dance.

01:20:48.000 Like, he's dancing.

01:20:49.000 Yeah, it's pretty hilarious.

01:20:51.000 I guess they're on my Facebook.

01:20:52.000 I can't see.

01:20:53.000 Yeah, you sent one.

01:20:54.000 You put one of those on the message board.

01:20:55.000 On the message board.

01:20:56.000 And it's funny because I have to do it.

01:20:57.000 He dances every time he does the weather.

01:20:59.000 Right.

01:21:00.000 And then like, they're down with that.

01:21:03.000 Why not, right? 1.00

01:21:04.000 Let him fucking dance. 1.00

01:21:04.000 Why not? 1.00

01:21:05.000 But it's so funny how bad it is.

01:21:07.000 Like, there was the other day something like, it's going to be wet outside there.

01:21:10.000 You know a lot about wet, don't you, Tina?

01:21:12.000 And she's like, oh, that's disgusting. 1.00

01:21:14.000 And it's like, what?

01:21:15.000 They go there?

01:21:16.000 Yeah.

01:21:16.000 It was just like, are you really serious?

01:21:18.000 Have you seen that video clip where the black guy is sitting with these three white chicks and they're talking about some new Graftenberg spot shot?

01:21:26.000 It's like a shot of collagen. 1.00

01:21:27.000 They shoot inside a chick's pussy. 1.00

01:21:30.000 With a needle, they jab her fucking snatch and stuff this liquid up there. 1.00

01:21:34.000 And apparently it makes sex feel better. 1.00

01:21:38.000 It makes the enhances the G-spot. 0.87

01:21:40.000 And so they do this whole thing.

01:21:40.000 Wow.

01:21:43.000 And the black guy goes, well, so I guess she's enjoying penis now more. 1.00

01:21:49.000 Like he said that. 1.00

01:21:50.000 And all three chicks were like, oh, yeah, okay. 0.98

01:21:54.000 Yes, she's enjoying sexual relations again. 0.96

01:21:56.000 Like, you know, she tried to somehow or another clean it up. 0.74

01:21:59.000 Even though he used the right terminology.

01:22:02.000 I mean, he used the medical terminology, and he didn't say anything really inappropriate.

01:22:06.000 I mean, that's what sexual intercourse is, right? 1.00

01:22:07.000 She's enjoying his penis. 1.00

01:22:09.000 But somehow under the fact that he mentioned it, it was like he said fucking candyman three times or something, you know? 1.00

01:22:14.000 So and she enjoys penis. 1.00

01:22:16.000 And he's black too. 1.00

01:22:18.000 And so there's this black dude with probably a half a heart on and three white chicks talking about their G-spots getting pumped up. 1.00

01:22:24.000 I bet he fucks them anyway. 1.00

01:22:26.000 That's probably what's going on. 1.00

01:22:27.000 He's probably trying to keep it together, but really he fucks all three of them. 0.97

01:22:29.000 Ladies, let's talk about what happened on the air today. 0.97

01:22:32.000 Why don't you meet in my locker room?

01:22:34.000 They go in his dressing room. 1.00

01:22:35.000 He's got candles lit and shit and pulls out that big black fucking snake. 1.00

01:22:40.000 And they all just go ass-to-mouth with him. 1.00

01:22:42.000 I don't like when you talk about cock while you're staring at me. 1.00

01:22:47.000 You're like looking deep. 0.99

01:22:48.000 I wouldn't be staring at you if you weren't looking away uncomfortably.

01:22:52.000 I'm watching it on the webcam and I'm like, oh my God, he's getting really close to me. 0.99

01:23:00.000 Is that not the worst thing that can ever happen when your chick breaks up with you, starts getting drilled by a black guy? 1.00

01:23:06.000 There could be a lot of good scenarios. 1.00

01:23:08.000 For a lot of dudes, man, that black male equals just sexual prowess that you will not reach. 1.00

01:23:16.000 They equal big black dick and just athleticism and just gorilla fucking your woman. 1.00

01:23:23.000 Just doing it right. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Doing things to her that you can't do.

01:23:27.000 She's going to like it.

01:23:28.000 She's going to love it.

01:23:29.000 She's going to get addicted to that. 1.00

01:23:30.000 She's getting stuffed. 1.00

01:23:32.000 You're just going to stick your little fucking three-quarter hard, sad, little depressed boner in there and thinking about going to therapy. 1.00

01:23:40.000 And maybe I should take antidepressants. 1.00

01:23:42.000 Maybe I just need to start yoga and jogging.

01:23:44.000 He's not thinking about that. 1.00

01:23:46.000 He's got a big, giant, black, hard monster dick. 1.00

01:23:50.000 And she's so fucking wet. 1.00

01:23:51.000 She can't believe how wet she is. 0.98

01:23:52.000 She's just, she's leaving a big puddle under her. 1.00

01:23:55.000 Her DNA is crying for that big, giant dick. 1.00

01:23:58.000 He's fucking the shit out of her. 1.00

01:24:01.000 And he ignores her and doesn't call her. 1.00

01:24:03.000 And so she gets sad.

01:24:04.000 And so she calls you up.

01:24:05.000 And I'm sorry, what happened?

01:24:07.000 It was a lot of it.

01:24:08.000 It was my fault.

01:24:09.000 And, you know, I just, we don't have to, look, I know we can never be together again, but could we just talk?

01:24:15.000 Could we just get together and talk?

01:24:17.000 And you're like, hey, what's the harm? 0.97

01:24:18.000 I ain't got shit to do tonight. 0.98

01:24:19.000 And you go over her house. 0.92

01:24:20.000 And next thing you know, you're on the couch together.

01:24:23.000 You start making out. 1.00

01:24:25.000 And she grabs your dick and she starts kissing you. 1.00

01:24:27.000 And she squeezes your dick a little bit. 1.00

01:24:29.000 Like she's looking for more. 1.00

01:24:30.000 Where is it?

01:24:31.000 Where's the rest?

01:24:32.000 Is this what it?

01:24:34.000 And she stops.

01:24:35.000 And then she goes, We shouldn't do this.

01:24:39.000 She goes, We shouldn't do this.

01:24:41.000 And then you look over on her nightstand. 1.00

01:24:42.000 There's this fucking hulking black guy in a picture frame. 1.00

01:24:46.000 That guy that's been delivering the dick to her for the past few weeks. 1.00

01:24:50.000 And you just go, who's that? 1.00

01:24:53.000 It's nothing.

01:24:54.000 Can't they take nothing fix that nowadays?

01:24:56.000 Isn't there technology to fix that like a gas pump?

01:24:58.000 They haven't fixed that.

01:24:59.000 Can you take like an ankle out of your foot or something? 1.00

01:25:02.000 To grow your dick? 1.00

01:25:03.000 They cannot fix dicks. 1.00

01:25:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:04.000 They can't extend it. 0.99

01:25:05.000 They can take something out of your butt and put it in there. 1.00

01:25:07.000 You know what they can do, though? 1.00

01:25:08.000 They can make a fake dick if you're a chick. 1.00

01:25:10.000 Apparently, Chassity Bono, who used to be shit when she is still Cher's daughter, but now she's a boy because she went through a sexual reassignment and they give her a bunch of hormones and they make her a dick. 1.00

01:25:26.000 But I don't think it feels the same. 1.00

01:25:29.000 I don't think it shoots loads. 1.00

01:25:31.000 What's gross is when they take the dick and make it a pussy where they split it out like an apple. 1.00

01:25:36.000 I've seen that. 1.00

01:25:37.000 Or what's that, China?

01:25:38.000 You really have...

01:25:45.000 You want to switch to a girl part. 0.85

01:25:47.000 You're embarrassed.

01:25:48.000 You really wish you were a woman. 0.99

01:25:49.000 Do you think that they really are women trapped in men's bodies?

01:25:53.000 Or I do believe that. 0.94

01:25:55.000 But what about the possibility that throughout their life, they've just experienced so much sorrow and so much stress and so many fucked up situations and so much trauma in their life. 0.98

01:26:07.000 And on top of that, they're probably gay and they're probably, or at the very least, bisexual. 0.94

01:26:14.000 Their orientation naturally. 0.98

01:26:16.000 So it's like this natural sexual orientation that leans towards homosexuality and massive depression and craziness. 0.99

01:26:24.000 And they just decide that they want to be a girl.

01:26:26.000 That's possible too, right?

01:26:27.000 Too much Edoname.

01:26:27.000 Yeah.

01:26:29.000 Edamame.

01:26:31.000 I think there's either or.

01:26:31.000 Yeah.

01:26:34.000 I don't think it's either or rather.

01:26:35.000 I don't think there's any one scenario. 0.99

01:26:38.000 But I think with some people, they become, you know, it's a man who becomes a woman just because they're fucked up. 0.98

01:26:42.000 They're not getting laid either. 0.98

01:26:42.000 And when they're the people. 0.98

01:26:43.000 And they're full.

01:26:43.000 Yeah.

01:26:44.000 They'll just get some dicks from me. 1.00

01:26:46.000 Trick people. 0.99

01:26:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:26:48.000 And then from others, I think others are just, you know, that's, they're just, I mean, look, there's a broad spectrum of human behavior. 0.99

01:26:54.000 It's very, very, very, very, very likely to me that somehow or another, just someone gets a wacky gene and they just, shit, why don't I have a vagina? 1.00

01:27:02.000 You know, what the fuck? 1.00

01:27:03.000 They just, they have this feeling like they're missing something because they have a penis. 1.00

01:27:08.000 But that's a goddamn commitment. 1.00

01:27:10.000 That is a goddamn commitment. 1.00

01:27:12.000 I don't remember what the movie was, but there was some movie where this guy and a tranny were yelling at each other, you know, and she's like, and the tranny was yelling at the guy, and the guy goes, you don't even have a dick anymore. 1.00

01:27:24.000 You're so fucking stupid. 1.00

01:27:25.000 You chopped off your dick. 1.00

01:27:27.000 And she's like, I didn't chop off my dick. 1.00

01:27:29.000 I fucking turned it into a pussy. 1.00

01:27:31.000 And the guy's like, that's not a pussy. 1.00

01:27:33.000 That's a dick that's been cut in half. 1.00

01:27:33.000 That's a dick. 1.00

01:27:35.000 What movie was that? 0.98

01:27:36.000 I don't remember, but we're paraphrasing, obviously, because I don't remember where it came from.

01:27:36.000 Yeah, what was that?

01:27:40.000 Some movie or something. 1.00

01:27:42.000 But goddamn, that's got to burn. 1.00

01:27:44.000 Those words, you don't even have a dick. 1.00

01:27:45.000 You chopped your dick off. 1.00

01:27:46.000 Yay, yi-yay! 1.00

01:27:48.000 There was a guy who was a ladyboy in Thailand and was kicking a lot of ass. 1.00

01:27:52.000 It was a Thai boxer. 0.99

01:27:54.000 And he would go out there, a lot of ladyboys in Thailand, apparently. 0.97

01:27:57.000 And this guy was a Thai boxer. 0.99

01:27:58.000 He would go out there and fuck dudes up. 0.99

01:28:00.000 And he was a ladyboy. 1.00

01:28:01.000 He would wear fucking dresses and shit. 1.00

01:28:03.000 But it was a dude who would get in there and throw down and fuck guys up. 1.00

01:28:06.000 He was a badass Muay Thai fighter. 1.00

01:28:08.000 But then he went to the operation and he got his balls removed. 0.99

01:28:11.000 And when he got his balls removed, that's a wrap, son. 1.00

01:28:14.000 No more testosterone, baby. 1.00

01:28:17.000 The flow stops completely. 1.00

01:28:19.000 And he shriveled up and got all woman-like and started getting fucked up. 1.00

01:28:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:28:24.000 I don't know how many fights he had as a woman, an actual woman, after they took his balls off. 1.00

01:28:28.000 But once they took his balls off, he was useless. 1.00

01:28:30.000 They beat the shit out of that fool. 1.00

01:28:33.000 Damn. 1.00

01:28:35.000 Well, that's what makes you a man. 1.00

01:28:37.000 When you get ball cancer and stuff like that, you automatically start getting more woman-like? 1.00

01:28:43.000 That's a good question.

01:28:43.000 I wonder.

01:28:44.000 You know, I think with some guys, they wind up supplementing the testosterone because their balls don't work. 0.86

01:28:51.000 I've heard of bodybuilders having to do that. 0.97

01:28:53.000 Like, bodybuilders get to a point where they shoot so much test into their body that their balls just shut down for life. 0.99

01:28:59.000 Their balls won't come back. 0.99

01:29:01.000 So they have to give themselves testosterone shots. 1.00

01:29:04.000 I was watching that China porn the other day. 0.99

01:29:06.000 Oh.

01:29:07.000 I was looking for a video and it just happened to come up and I was like, oh, I forgot about this video.

01:29:11.000 Did you do that? 0.97

01:29:11.000 That's like that Mexican drug dealer getting his head cut off. 0.97

01:29:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:14.000 Did you see that? 0.99

01:29:15.000 Same thing to me. 1.00

01:29:16.000 She has a huge dick. 1.00

01:29:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:19.000 It's a dick. 1.00

01:29:19.000 That's a dick. 1.00

01:29:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:20.000 But that's what I was saying. 0.99

01:29:22.000 They can grow you a dick and when they give you testosterone, your clit grows to the size of a thumb. 1.00

01:29:28.000 It grows big. 1.00

01:29:29.000 Like, how big would you think? 1.00

01:29:30.000 Her dick is like two inches long. 1.00

01:29:31.000 Yeah, it was pretty big. 1.00

01:29:32.000 It was like a thumb.

01:29:33.000 Yeah.

01:29:33.000 Like two inches long, right?

01:29:34.000 She had a pierce, too, if I remember.

01:29:36.000 Oh, no, she didn't.

01:29:38.000 Really?

01:29:38.000 She did, if I remember.

01:29:40.000 Dude, she was on Fear Factor, and she completed this stunt. 0.76

01:29:44.000 And after she completed this stunt, she flexed and she goes, who's the man?

01:29:50.000 No way.

01:29:51.000 Yes, she did.

01:29:52.000 It's a ringtone right there.

01:29:53.000 Yeah, she said, who's the man?

01:29:56.000 What? 1.00

01:29:57.000 Bitch, are you crazy? 1.00

01:29:58.000 How crazy are you? 1.00

01:30:00.000 Would you have sex with her? 1.00

01:30:02.000 If I had to? 1.00

01:30:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:03.000 Yeah, if I lived in Michigan or some shit. 0.98

01:30:06.000 Standards lower. 0.97

01:30:08.000 You know, like you lived at Ohio, you had lower standards, right?

01:30:11.000 Yeah.

01:30:11.000 Which happens.

01:30:13.000 Lived in Portland, your standards would drop, son.

01:30:15.000 Oh, dude, Portland would be impossible.

01:30:17.000 Really? 1.00

01:30:18.000 You want to fuck a chick with hairy legs? 1.00

01:30:20.000 Sure, I'd shave them, but that wasn't even. 1.00

01:30:22.000 You could shave them first before you fuck her. 1.00

01:30:23.000 Yeah, that wasn't even the problem, though. 1.00

01:30:24.000 There wasn't even hot chicks with hairy legs. 1.00

01:30:27.000 It was no chicks. 1.00

01:30:28.000 It was fucking weird. 1.00

01:30:29.000 There was no Mexicans or blacks. 1.00

01:30:30.000 What if she refused to let you shave her legs? 0.95

01:30:32.000 What if she's like, listen, you have to accept me as I am? 1.00

01:30:35.000 Can you think you could fuck a chick? 1.00

01:30:36.000 Or would you go Olivia Newton John on her and make her put legworms on? 1.00

01:30:39.000 I guess I don't mind too much if it's like light hair, but like dark hair, like what's that precious chick? 1.00

01:30:46.000 Her legs just make me want to fucking throw shit at her. 1.00

01:30:48.000 Monique. 1.00

01:30:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:49.000 I just want to throw shit at her. 1.00

01:30:51.000 You want to throw shit at her? 1.00

01:30:52.000 Like a monkey. 1.00

01:30:53.000 What the fuck's wrong with you? 1.00

01:30:54.000 Splatter of shit. 1.00

01:30:56.000 It looks like tree trunks, too. 1.00

01:30:59.000 And her fucking husband that's just like, I like this shit. 1.00

01:31:02.000 Sure, you do, dude. 1.00

01:31:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:03.000 You just like not working.

01:31:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:05.000 You just like that Monique makes money. 1.00

01:31:07.000 You're ridiculous. 1.00

01:31:08.000 Well, who knows, man? 1.00

01:31:09.000 We're talking shit. 1.00

01:31:10.000 Everybody likes everything. 0.99

01:31:11.000 There's people that like things. 1.00

01:31:12.000 But man, if your girl doesn't shave her legs, what does she do with her pussy in her butthole? 1.00

01:31:18.000 That's the question. 1.00

01:31:19.000 What kind of a fucking environmental hazard is that thing? 0.99

01:31:23.000 What kind of a wasteland? 0.99

01:31:24.000 What kind of odiferous reaction are you going to get when you get near her panties? 1.00

01:31:30.000 Oh, the funk of the 1970s of a fucking just animal hair. 1.00

01:31:37.000 Just fur and butthole and the inability to completely clean everything because there's hair all around your butthole. 1.00

01:31:44.000 So every time you're fucking her, just a slight smell of shit every single time. 1.00

01:31:49.000 Especially when sweat starts dripping down there and those big fat meaty thighs start heating up and body wants to cool them down. 1.00

01:31:56.000 That perspiration drips down to her butthole and it just wafts up some fresh new fumes. 1.00

01:32:02.000 And it's pussy funk and old butthole hairs and fucking toilet paper dingle berries and your nuts slapping against it all and just like your fan in the fires. 1.00

01:32:16.000 And then right when you're about to bust a nut, you look down at her hairy feet. 1.00

01:32:19.000 Oh. 1.00

01:32:19.000 And your dick goes soft. 1.00

01:32:21.000 And her china dick. 1.00

01:32:23.000 And you got to close your eyes and plug your nose at the same time and try to regain your bow. 1.00

01:32:28.000 Oh, no.

01:32:30.000 Remember that striped club? 1.00

01:32:32.000 Yep, pussy's got to be so gross. 1.00

01:32:34.000 Did we ever talk about that? 1.00

01:32:35.000 When we're at the strip club and I thought the young chick was behind me and I was so drunk that. 0.57

01:32:40.000 Which strip club is it?

01:32:41.000 Remember?

01:32:41.000 Oh my goodness.

01:32:42.000 This is like 2001 in Brian's defense.

01:32:45.000 This is a long, long time ago.

01:32:47.000 We were at a strip club and Brian was hammered and there was a woman who sat next to Brian and Brian started making out with this woman.

01:32:56.000 Let's first talk about it.

01:32:58.000 There was a cute waitress that Brian was flirting with. 0.65

01:33:00.000 This is what happened first.

01:33:01.000 There was this cute waitress that Brian was flirting with and she was coming talking to him and she gave him a drink and she said, I'll be back to talk to you in a minute. 1.00

01:33:09.000 And Brian was so shit-faced that he leaned back and closed his eyes and this haggard old wizard woman, this witch, this bitch just appeared out of nowhere. 1.00

01:33:24.000 And the whole deal. 1.00

01:33:25.000 She just attacked me or something. 1.00

01:33:26.000 Like, yeah, like in her 50s, okay, and not like well-kept.

01:33:31.000 Like ragged, ragged in her 50s with bad tattoos and a cut-off shirt, like where her stomach was exposed. 1.00

01:33:39.000 And there's stretch marks from the 1930s on that fucking weathered old leather saddle of a stomach. 0.99

01:33:46.000 And her voice was cigarette. 1.00

01:33:47.000 Oh, just stinky breath. 0.91

01:33:50.000 She didn't have all her teeth either, man. 0.99

01:33:51.000 She was missing a couple of teeth. 0.98

01:33:52.000 I mean, it was ridiculous. 0.66

01:33:54.000 So she sat down next to Brian, and Brian leans up against her like this.

01:33:59.000 And when Brian leans up against her, she grabs his head and he turns towards her and they start making out.

01:34:06.000 I thought it was the waitress. 0.99

01:34:07.000 And I'm like, I got to get this fucking kid out of here. 1.00

01:34:10.000 How drunk is he? 1.00

01:34:12.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00

01:34:13.000 Like, this bitch just saw him hammered. 1.00

01:34:16.000 And by the way, we're at a table. 1.00

01:34:17.000 We're at a private little table.

01:34:18.000 So we didn't know her.

01:34:19.000 She just came over and sat down at our table and no one knew her.

01:34:23.000 And she just came over, sat down. 0.81

01:34:24.000 Like she's like a monster. 0.71

01:34:26.000 And she saw a victim. 0.97

01:34:28.000 And she saw that he was weak.

01:34:29.000 She saw that he was like so sloshed. 1.00

01:34:32.000 He couldn't keep his shit together and he was leaning back. 1.00

01:34:34.000 And when he like closed his eyes and leaned his head back, she just moved in for the kill. 0.99

01:34:40.000 She made the physical contact and he didn't know.

01:34:42.000 He thought it was the girl.

01:34:43.000 And she had an arm on him like this.

01:34:45.000 So he just responded to the physical contact thinking that it was his hot waitress.

01:34:49.000 Next thing you know, they're tonguing each other.

01:34:52.000 Oh, and you have it on video too.

01:34:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:53.000 I got it on video somewhere.

01:34:55.000 Don't fuck around, son. 1.00

01:34:57.000 We both have shit on each other. 1.00

01:34:59.000 So he's tonguing this chick, and then he looks at her, and he looks at her, and he goes like this. 1.00

01:35:08.000 In the middle of it, in the middle of it, he goes, he looks at her, and then he just turns away, and she's like touching his face and everything.

01:35:15.000 And he just goes like this.

01:35:16.000 I got to go to the bathroom.

01:35:17.000 And you get up and go to the bathroom, and she got up and walked away. 0.99

01:35:20.000 And you came back and you go, did I make out with that old lady? 1.00

01:35:28.000 And we were like, what the fuck was that about? 0.99

01:35:30.000 You go, dude, I thought it was the waitress. 1.00

01:35:33.000 I totally thought it was the waitress. 0.74

01:35:35.000 Like, oh, why didn't you stop me?

01:35:36.000 I'm like, we couldn't stop you. 0.98

01:35:38.000 How the fuck are we going to stop you? 0.99

01:35:40.000 She sat down next to you. 0.99

01:35:41.000 You leaned towards her. 1.00

01:35:42.000 And that bitch just planned it perfectly. 1.00

01:35:44.000 How many times has she done that? 1.00

01:35:46.000 I don't know.

01:35:47.000 But the next morning when I was driving her back to her hotel.

01:35:54.000 She never moved in again, right?

01:35:56.000 She realized that you realized that she was.

01:35:57.000 Yeah, I think she took off right after.

01:35:58.000 That was her thing.

01:35:59.000 You freaked her out.

01:36:00.000 Yeah.

01:36:01.000 Because you freaked out. 0.99

01:36:02.000 And she was like, what the fuck did I do? 0.99

01:36:05.000 She realized that she had tricked some poor young man. 0.99

01:36:08.000 Dude, this is how gross it was that the chair I was on at a strip club was a cloth chair, and I wanted to scrape the taste off my tongue. 0.96

01:36:16.000 So I started licking and dragging my tongue on the chair of a strip club to get the taste of her mouth off of my tongue. 1.00

01:36:23.000 It was that bad.

01:36:25.000 Why didn't you just use liquor?

01:36:26.000 I don't wash it.

01:36:27.000 It was just like, oh, you were so horrified.

01:36:31.000 It was hilarious.

01:36:32.000 It didn't even seem real.

01:36:34.000 It seemed like you were punking us, like you were doing a sketch, like you had hired this actress to come in to make out with you just to freak us out.

01:36:41.000 I remember looking at your guys' faces and you were recording me for one.

01:36:44.000 I'm like, why are they recording me?

01:36:45.000 That's kind of rude.

01:36:49.000 But then you guys were all freaking out.

01:36:51.000 And I'm like, I just remember then looking at her, like backing up a little and looking at her.

01:36:58.000 What an awesome strategy on her part. 1.00

01:37:00.000 She recognized that you were ripe for the taking.

01:37:06.000 She smelled blood in the water and she just plopped herself right next to you. 1.00

01:37:10.000 It's a great goddamn story. 0.99

01:37:13.000 I actually deleted it. 0.99

01:37:14.000 You did?

01:37:15.000 Yeah.

01:37:15.000 Oh.

01:37:16.000 I told you I would delete it.

01:37:18.000 You were freaking out.

01:37:18.000 Dude, whatever.

01:37:19.000 You have that in your private section?

01:37:20.000 No, no, no.

01:37:21.000 I don't have a private story.

01:37:23.000 I did the fleshlight out of it.

01:37:24.000 You were freaked out.

01:37:26.000 The next day, you were like, will you please delete that?

01:37:27.000 I said, I'll delete it.

01:37:28.000 I'll delete it.

01:37:29.000 Don't worry.

01:37:30.000 I showed it to you, though.

01:37:31.000 I remember I showed it to you, and you really didn't watch it.

01:37:33.000 You watched it for like a couple seconds.

01:37:35.000 You went, no!

01:37:36.000 God, I hate that.

01:37:37.000 You just tightened up and looked away.

01:37:38.000 Dude, that's the worst feeling the next day when you wake up friend being drunk, and you're like, oh, it is the worst feeling.

01:37:44.000 Slap on the forehead.

01:37:45.000 Well, how about like Eddie Bravo?

01:37:47.000 When he, you know, he gets really hammered.

01:37:49.000 There's like a couple times a year, like two or three times a year, well, he will not remember the night.

01:37:53.000 He really does not know what happened.

01:37:54.000 You're talking about it's like every week at least.

01:37:56.000 I don't think it's every week that he.

01:37:56.000 I don't know.

01:37:57.000 He blacks out a lot, dude.

01:37:59.000 I don't know how many times he blacks out.

01:38:00.000 When you ask him, he says it's a few times a year.

01:38:02.000 I believe him.

01:38:04.000 Maybe sometimes he forgets he blacks out. 1.00

01:38:06.000 Yeah, he blacks out about the blacking out.

01:38:09.000 The best Eddie Bravo blackout story, I told this in my blog.

01:38:12.000 This is a total true story.

01:38:14.000 It was like 8 o'clock in the morning.

01:38:17.000 Our car was picking us up at 9.

01:38:19.000 We were in Germany.

01:38:20.000 And I get up because I'm going to get some breakfast.

01:38:22.000 So I call Eddie to see if he wants to get some breakfast.

01:38:25.000 And he goes, what's up?

01:38:27.000 That's how he answers the phone.

01:38:29.000 I go, what's up?

01:38:30.000 I go, are you drunk? 0.82

01:38:31.000 He goes, hell yeah. 1.00

01:38:35.000 It's 8 in the fucking morning. 1.00

01:38:36.000 And he's hammered. 0.99

01:38:37.000 So I go, okay, dude, I go, our car is going to get us in like an hour.

01:38:41.000 Are you going to be ready?

01:38:42.000 He goes, dude, I'm ready.

01:38:43.000 I'm just going to power through.

01:38:45.000 I'm fine.

01:38:45.000 I'm ready.

01:38:46.000 So I go, all right, all right.

01:38:47.000 I'll see you in an hour.

01:38:48.000 I'm going to get some breakfast.

01:38:49.000 So I go and get some breakfast.

01:38:51.000 Hour goes by.

01:38:52.000 I call him.

01:38:52.000 He's not answering.

01:38:53.000 I call his hotel room, not answering.

01:38:56.000 I have someone go and knock on his door, not answering. 1.00

01:38:59.000 He's not in his fucking room. 0.99

01:39:00.000 And I'm like, did he never come home? 1.00

01:39:00.000 Shit. 1.00

01:39:02.000 Did he get lost? 1.00

01:39:03.000 What the fuck is happening? 1.00

01:39:04.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:39:05.000 So I'm calling him. 0.99

01:39:06.000 He's not answering.

01:39:07.000 I go outside and I said, well, let me just throw my luggage in the car.

01:39:10.000 So I say to the valet guy, I go, there's a car here for Rogan.

01:39:14.000 And he goes, Joe Rogan?

01:39:16.000 And I go, yeah, that's my worst German accent ever.

01:39:18.000 Joe is German.

01:39:19.000 What was that?

01:39:19.000 That's Indian or something.

01:39:19.000 What is that?

01:39:20.000 Joe Rogan?

01:39:21.000 Joe Rogan.

01:39:22.000 Joe Rogan.

01:39:23.000 Now I'm Colonel Klink. 1.00

01:39:26.000 Anyway, this fucking guy, he goes, Joe Rogan. 0.99

01:39:29.000 He goes, Joe Rogan just left. 1.00

01:39:31.000 I go, no, no, no, I'm Joe Rogan.

01:39:32.000 He goes, no, a guy said he was Joe Rogan and got in your limo and left.

01:39:37.000 I said, what does he look like?

01:39:38.000 He goes, long hair and tattoos. 1.00

01:39:40.000 I'm like, that motherfucker. 1.00

01:39:42.000 Because I knew it was Eddie, right? 1.00

01:39:44.000 There's not that many long-haired tattooed dudes in Germany, right? 1.00

01:39:46.000 It's like, fuck. 0.99

01:39:47.000 So I call him up and he answers the phone. 1.00

01:39:50.000 I go, what are you doing?

01:39:52.000 What's up?

01:39:53.000 I go, what are you doing? 1.00

01:39:54.000 You're in my fucking car. 1.00

01:39:56.000 What? 1.00

01:39:58.000 And he's looking at his watch and he goes, sir, where are we right now?

01:40:01.000 And the driver says, we're on our way to the airport.

01:40:03.000 He goes, I guess we're on our way to the airport.

01:40:05.000 I go, come back and get me.

01:40:06.000 And he goes, how close are we to the airport?

01:40:08.000 He goes, five minutes.

01:40:09.000 He goes, dude, I go, how long you been in the car for?

01:40:11.000 He had been in the car for an hour.

01:40:13.000 Wow.

01:40:14.000 It's like an hour ride.

01:40:15.000 Was he sleeping?

01:40:16.000 He went, he got, like, when I got off the phone with him at 8 in the morning, he went down there.

01:40:19.000 The car was already there.

01:40:20.000 Just told the guy he was me, got in the car, and woke up like an hour into the drive on the way to the airport.

01:40:27.000 Woke up without any memory of the night whatsoever.

01:40:30.000 Woke up in the car with his phone ringing.

01:40:37.000 He literally, oh my good, old man.

01:40:41.000 He literally had no idea what happened. 0.98

01:40:44.000 He doesn't remember a fucking thing about the night. 0.99

01:40:46.000 Wow. 1.00

01:40:47.000 That's crazy.

01:40:48.000 How terrifying must that be?

01:40:50.000 To have like some like just like litter of behavior around you and you don't even know what you did. 0.99

01:40:57.000 Like you created all these problems and caused all these people to get all fucking angry at you and shit. 0.98

01:41:02.000 You don't even know what happened. 1.00

01:41:03.000 You were just shit-faced. 1.00

01:41:05.000 Blacked out. 1.00

01:41:06.000 Gone.

01:41:07.000 And then he had to get on a flight, like a really long-ass flight all the way back home with that hangover. 0.98

01:41:12.000 It's like fucking 11 hours from Germany. 0.98

01:41:15.000 Being drunk and hungover on a plane is probably the worst thing ever. 0.99

01:41:18.000 And I hate it so much.

01:41:20.000 Is it though?

01:41:20.000 Because you just sleep.

01:41:22.000 What's the big deal?

01:41:23.000 Is it harder?

01:41:24.000 Is it really like, do you feel like you're at high altitude when you're on a plane?

01:41:27.000 Obviously, you're at high altitude, but the cabin is pressurized.

01:41:30.000 Is there the same amount of oxygen there is if you're at high altitude?

01:41:33.000 Obviously not, because like when you're at 30,000 feet, that's like Mount Everest. 0.98

01:41:37.000 Like you could fucking die up there. 0.98

01:41:38.000 There's no oxygen. 1.00

01:41:39.000 So that's a stupid question. 0.99

01:41:41.000 All right, so there's obviously way more oxygen than at 30,000 feet. 1.00

01:41:44.000 That was a dumb question. 0.98

01:41:45.000 I can't even believe I asked it. 1.00

01:41:47.000 I blame the weed.

01:41:49.000 But when you're in a plane, does your hangover feel any worse?

01:41:53.000 To me, it always does. 0.97

01:41:55.000 And it's usually, well, of course, I have acid reflex and all this shit that's fucking with me, so maybe it's worse for you. 1.00

01:41:59.000 You got a gremlin in your ass all side. 1.00

01:42:01.000 I got a gremlin in my belly. 1.00

01:42:03.000 Belly.

01:42:04.000 Yeah, there's something about planes, man. 0.99

01:42:06.000 Even if you sleep on a plane, even if you go and you come back, there's something about just getting up there, traveling, and coming back that leaves you feeling fucked up. 0.88

01:42:15.000 You just definitely feel a little off. 0.83

01:42:18.000 What is that?

01:42:18.000 What is a plane doing?

01:42:20.000 I think it's the change of pressure.

01:42:23.000 The pressure?

01:42:25.000 I mean, is it just getting in this tube with recycled oxygen and everybody's breathing their own air?

01:42:30.000 Is that what it is?

01:42:31.000 I don't think it's that because I actually saw a report saying that that recycled air is some of the best air and it's actually just like an old wise tale that it's bad for you.

01:42:40.000 It's actually the filtering system in those planes are so amazing.

01:42:44.000 Really? 0.99

01:42:45.000 So what the fuck is it that makes you so tired from flying? 1.00

01:42:48.000 Because that shit jacks you, dude. 1.00

01:42:50.000 There's no getting around it. 1.00

01:42:51.000 It jacks you.

01:42:52.000 You know, what I always like to do when I land somewhere, if I have the time, I always have a hard workout.

01:42:58.000 One hard workout seems to reset everything. 0.98

01:43:00.000 But if you don't have that hard workout, man, you're going to be fucked up for a couple of days. 0.98

01:43:05.000 It takes like a couple of days to feel normal again. 0.99

01:43:08.000 What is it?

01:43:10.000 It's not good.

01:43:10.000 You know, I was thinking about this the other day.

01:43:12.000 It's kind of on subject, but about workouts, where you say, like, how, you know, how you can't even imagine.

01:43:18.000 Like, to me, when I forget who it is, Jimmy Kimmel was talking about this the other day where he's, when he gets done working out, he does not feel great.

01:43:25.000 He feels awful.

01:43:26.000 He wants to go sleep.

01:43:27.000 He feels sad.

01:43:28.000 He hates it and stuff like that.

01:43:29.000 But when you work out, you have the exact opposite feeling. 0.96

01:43:32.000 You feel like, fuck yeah, you know, you're fired up and you feel great and like a natural. 0.96

01:43:38.000 I am like Jimmy Kimmel, though. 0.99

01:43:39.000 Like when I work out, I'm not happy.

01:43:41.000 I'm like miserable after I work out.

01:43:44.000 Well, why do you think that is?

01:43:45.000 There'd be two reasons for that.

01:43:46.000 One, because you're out of shape and working out is painful.

01:43:48.000 And then the recovery is even more painful. 0.99

01:43:50.000 No, but even when I was inner shape, better in shape, and I would work out, I never have a lot of shit. 0.91

01:43:56.000 Were you ever in really good shape? 0.95

01:43:58.000 Yeah.

01:43:58.000 Really?

01:43:59.000 Yeah.

01:43:59.000 I've been in shape a couple times in my life, like pretty good shape.

01:44:02.000 So were you working out and you feel like I was working out every day, you know, six days a week, five days a week.

01:44:08.000 But when you're working out, like, what kind of exercise are you doing?

01:44:10.000 How much exercise are you doing?

01:44:11.000 Like, 45 minutes to an hour of cardio, and then like 10, 10, 15 minutes of that.

01:44:15.000 Was my prime, was 45 minutes. 0.98

01:44:17.000 Are you like really fucking sweating and heaving and hovering? 0.98

01:44:19.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98

01:44:20.000 But I never, never enjoyed it.

01:44:22.000 And always hated it after it was done.

01:44:24.000 You don't have a runner's high when it's over?

01:44:26.000 No.

01:44:26.000 Wow.

01:44:27.000 See, I was just wondering, like, because like I've heard you talk about it before, and then Kimmel was talking about it, how it is the exact opposite for him.

01:44:34.000 And I'm like, yeah, that's the same way.

01:44:35.000 Well, no one can tell you how your body works.

01:44:38.000 Everybody's body has its own different thing.

01:44:40.000 Everybody's body works differently at different levels of efficiency.

01:44:44.000 And some people's bodies need extreme amounts of exertion.

01:44:48.000 They need exercise.

01:44:49.000 And mine could be because I grew up doing it.

01:44:52.000 Because my whole life, I mean, there's never been a time in my life, except like in between surgeries, there's never been a time in my life where I didn't have some sort of extreme exertion, whether it's kickboxing or jiu-jitsu or lifting weights or boxing for a while.

01:45:09.000 Everything was always just explosion.

01:45:12.000 My body's always been forced to behave a certain way.

01:45:16.000 And when your body's forced to behave like that for over 20 years, you know, it becomes accustomed to it.

01:45:22.000 And when I take a few days off, like I take three or four days off, I have this buildup of energy where my body is used to producing a certain amount of energy.

01:45:30.000 I don't get any of that energy.

01:45:31.000 Zero of that energy.

01:45:32.000 I actually have the opposite.

01:45:34.000 Like, I think it's so tired 99%.

01:45:36.000 I've never really been in the kind of shape, that kind of shape.

01:45:38.000 Like explosive.

01:45:39.000 Yeah.

01:45:40.000 I think for me, and it's different biomechanics, or not biomechanics, biorhythms, rather, you know, biochemistry.

01:45:48.000 Different people need different things out of life.

01:45:51.000 Some people need extreme exertion.

01:45:53.000 Some people just need a walk.

01:45:54.000 Some people feel great when they just walk up a hill.

01:45:57.000 They just go for a little walk around their neighborhood and they feel refreshed.

01:45:59.000 They don't need that extreme physical exertion.

01:46:03.000 Me, I need to hit the bag.

01:46:04.000 I need to do jiu-jitsu.

01:46:06.000 I need to do some kettlebells.

01:46:07.000 I need to do it.

01:46:08.000 And when I do it, it's like, like I can be myself again.

01:46:12.000 It's like I blow it all out and then I'm myself.

01:46:16.000 But if I don't, it builds up.

01:46:18.000 And if it builds up for one day, it's tolerable.

01:46:20.000 Two days, it's a little less tolerable.

01:46:22.000 Three days, a little less.

01:46:23.000 And then by the time four or five days go by with no workouts at all, I start getting very edgy.

01:46:29.000 Like people are talking to me and they're not talking quick enough.

01:46:29.000 I feel it.

01:46:32.000 And I'm like rude.

01:46:34.000 I'm like, okay, okay, okay.

01:46:35.000 I get it.

01:46:37.000 Because my patience is gone.

01:46:38.000 I just have no patience.

01:46:39.000 It's weird.

01:46:40.000 It's caveman genes.

01:46:42.000 I've got way too much caveman in me.

01:46:43.000 You know, there was some sort of a study recently about people that have Neanderthal genetics and they have a certain percent. 0.99

01:46:50.000 Fucking for sure I do. 0.99

01:46:52.000 For sure. 0.99

01:46:52.000 Right. 0.99

01:46:53.000 If there's people out there that have Neanderthal genetics in their system, I've got some of that shit for sure. 1.00

01:46:59.000 Somewhere in my life, somebody fucked an ape man. 1.00

01:47:02.000 Somewhere way back in my family's ancestry, someone fucked one of those little crazy ape men. 1.00

01:47:09.000 Where I'm like a lesbian trapped in a man's body. 1.00

01:47:12.000 You are. 0.98

01:47:13.000 You're very feminine. 1.00

01:47:18.000 You're very feminine, but you like girls. 1.00

01:47:19.000 What's that all about? 0.91

01:47:20.000 I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. 1.00

01:47:24.000 But you like fucking them. 1.00

01:47:25.000 I know. 1.00

01:47:26.000 Lesbians like fucking chicks, too. 1.00

01:47:28.000 Do they? 1.00

01:47:29.000 Do they put strap-ons on and just get sad?

01:47:29.000 Yeah.

01:47:31.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:47:31.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:47:32.000 I would get fucking sad if I was a chick and I wanted to be a dude and I'm putting this rubber dick on. 0.99

01:47:39.000 I'm like, how great would it be if I really fucking had one? 1.00

01:47:42.000 And I could really just fuck the shit out of you with my real dick instead of this rubber thing that I gotta tie on and strap in place and it wiggles and doesn't. 1.00

01:47:51.000 But yet scissoring would probably feel good because you have two open sores rubbing against each other. 1.00

01:47:56.000 The most sensitive part.

01:47:58.000 They want to get stuffed.

01:47:59.000 They're missing a hole.

01:48:00.000 They're missing something in the middle.

01:48:02.000 They want to get stuffed, dude. 1.00

01:48:03.000 Yeah, but I mean, you could throw a fucking dildo in there. 0.99

01:48:06.000 It probably feels the same or bad. 1.00

01:48:07.000 I don't think so. 0.93

01:48:09.000 Flesh lights, they feel pretty fucking good. 0.95

01:48:09.000 I don't think so. 0.95

01:48:11.000 I mean, I don't know how a lesbian's vagina feels, but I think heterosexual women desperately need to get stuffed. 1.00

01:48:17.000 That's why dudes desperately need to stuff it in them, and it just makes sense. 1.00

01:48:21.000 What feels the best to you? 1.00

01:48:22.000 The magical fucking promised land to get your hard, super sensitive dick inside the wet pussy. 1.00

01:48:29.000 And that's nature. 1.00

01:48:31.000 That's the great reward.

01:48:33.000 The great reward is this intense pleasure because that's the way you make babies.

01:48:36.000 So for a woman, the intense pleasure has got to come from getting stuffed. 1.00

01:48:40.000 It's the only thing that makes sense. 1.00

01:48:41.000 From getting a big fat dick to shoot goo inside you. 1.00

01:48:45.000 You know, that's what it is. 1.00

01:48:46.000 I mean, it's, that's, and it's a, it's a staple of our life and it's this big important part of our desires and our motivation to do things.

01:48:54.000 But really, it's just a trick to make people, you know, and that that trick has got to be set up correctly.

01:49:00.000 I mean, you know, people have been around for a fucking million years in this form. 0.87

01:49:03.000 That trick is good. 0.99

01:49:04.000 They got it down. 1.00

01:49:05.000 And if it's, if it's down, they got it good, then that means chicks must love big fucking dicks inside them. 1.00

01:49:11.000 And if they do, then scissoring is not going to be enough. 1.00

01:49:13.000 It's going to feel good.

01:49:14.000 It'll feel good.

01:49:15.000 But the reality is that pusher wants you to get filled up. 1.00

01:49:17.000 It wants you to get fucking stretched out with cock, son. 1.00

01:49:21.000 Cock! 1.00

01:49:22.000 Ah! 1.00

01:49:23.000 You and looking at me and talking about cock all day long. 1.00

01:49:26.000 All day. 1.00

01:49:27.000 Try to make you uncomfortable, son.

01:49:30.000 Try to make you uncomfortable.

01:49:35.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:49:35.000 Damn. 1.00

01:49:36.000 What was that? 1.00

01:49:37.000 That's me laughing.

01:49:39.000 I thought it was an earthquake.

01:49:40.000 We have much better sound now.

01:49:41.000 So when I'm laughing, what used to not be annoying, now it'll be annoying.

01:49:45.000 This week we're using these microphones, but next week we're going to have some clip-on jammies because this is ridiculous.

01:49:49.000 You don't want to be standing here like a stand-up comedian.

01:49:52.000 I do kind of like it, though, that for the fact if I need to drink water or do something, I could go like this.

01:49:57.000 Yeah.

01:49:58.000 Yeah, maybe we should just leave it like this.

01:49:59.000 Yeah, I don't mind this.

01:50:00.000 Maybe getting a mic stand that goes right here, though.

01:50:02.000 So we can just.

01:50:03.000 Right, yeah, we could totally do that.

01:50:05.000 But I just don't want anything that knocks around.

01:50:07.000 As long as we have the headphones on, that's the move.

01:50:09.000 Because for the longest time we were doing this and it just...

01:50:16.000 But now, it looks pretty killer. 0.99

01:50:19.000 Look, we got a mixer board and shit. 0.74

01:50:20.000 I'll show you guys all this stuff. 0.75

01:50:22.000 By the way, the autofocus is not something that you can turn off.

01:50:25.000 It isn't?

01:50:26.000 It doesn't look like it. 0.99

01:50:27.000 Here, we got all this shit here. 0.99

01:50:29.000 We got a soundboard now connected to two laptops connected to this high-level mp3 recorder jammy, and it's all just mishmashed in a fucking sea of wires. 0.99

01:50:42.000 And that all creates this podcast. 0.87

01:50:47.000 Hopefully, that'll be enough. 0.91

01:50:48.000 So, now that we have the sound issues out of the way, eventually we're going to have to deal with this goddamn green screen. 0.92

01:50:52.000 That's step two. 0.99

01:50:54.000 There's a couple different options to do it, but all of them seem super fucking complicated and a pain in the ass. 0.99

01:51:00.000 No, I think we just do a TV. 0.98

01:51:01.000 Get a 3D TV. 0.99

01:51:02.000 We can check shit out. 0.99

01:51:04.000 We can turn it on. 0.99

01:51:04.000 The problem is we couldn't do it through this Ustream producer if we were going to do it, right? 0.99

01:51:10.000 What, the green screen? 0.98

01:51:11.000 The caster, the fucking TriCaster? 1.00

01:51:14.000 Does it go through that? 1.00

01:51:14.000 I think you can do it. 1.00

01:51:15.000 I think you can do it through that.

01:51:17.000 So then we would have the same audio setup.

01:51:19.000 I think it's just way overkill to do a TriCaster through a Ustream producer, though.

01:51:23.000 It just seems weird.

01:51:24.000 I don't know.

01:51:24.000 You know what we need?

01:51:25.000 Folks on Twitter, if anybody knows, give us a simple way to do a green screen.

01:51:30.000 If anybody knows, throw me up some message or a link on Twitter at JoeRogan.

01:51:34.000 There's got to be some tech audio visual wizard out there that knows.

01:51:38.000 Should get Ustream involved.

01:51:39.000 We should tell Ustream what's the best hookup.

01:51:41.000 I don't think Ustream knows.

01:51:42.000 No?

01:51:43.000 They stopped doing those ads.

01:51:44.000 They had these ads that would pop up every 30 seconds.

01:51:47.000 Remember?

01:51:48.000 There was a bunch of people that were complaining.

01:51:50.000 It wasn't just an ad that popped up.

01:51:52.000 It was like took over the sound and audio and video. 0.91

01:51:55.000 That was ridiculous.

01:51:56.000 Who was it for? 0.97

01:51:57.000 Was it Macy's or Macy's?

01:51:59.000 Why would Macy's want to have anything to do with me? 0.99

01:52:01.000 Because they have fucking good ads. 0.99

01:52:02.000 I'm talking about ghetto gaggers. 1.00

01:52:06.000 Did you hear about that dildo that was discovered? 0.85

01:52:07.000 28,000-year-old dildo?

01:52:10.000 Did you hear about that?

01:52:11.000 How did they know, though, it was a dildo, not just like an ear cleaner or like an ear cleaner massager? 1.00

01:52:16.000 Big as your fucking ear, son. 1.00

01:52:17.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:52:18.000 Because it looks like a big stone dick. 1.00

01:52:19.000 Really? 1.00

01:52:20.000 And it's eight inches long.

01:52:21.000 That's the preferred size.

01:52:21.000 Maybe that's it.

01:52:22.000 It was used for something else.

01:52:24.000 Well, it was.

01:52:25.000 It was used to strike flints, too.

01:52:28.000 They had all these marks on it from someone striking flints.

01:52:31.000 But that just could have been the husband. 1.00

01:52:32.000 Like, give me that fucking vibrator. 1.00

01:52:34.000 Give me your dildo. 1.00

01:52:35.000 I need to make a fire. 1.00

01:52:36.000 Like, he got all angry and shit, and he was attacking the dick. 1.00

01:52:39.000 You know, it could have been that. 0.99

01:52:41.000 That's the reason why he used it as a dual-purpose instrument.

01:52:45.000 But that'd be a smart move to have.

01:52:48.000 You don't want to have that many stones laying around the cave.

01:52:51.000 Why not use it for dual purposes?

01:52:54.000 I was in Portland, and they had the biggest Rex with all the bones, the best collection.

01:53:01.000 No, no, T-Rex.

01:53:02.000 Oh, T-Rex.

01:53:03.000 Oh, really?

01:53:03.000 They had the biggest collection T-Rex.

01:53:05.000 And it was like, I forget how many, like 70% real bone.

01:53:09.000 Whoa.

01:53:10.000 Like, the whole thing was up. 0.99

01:53:11.000 And it's so weird sitting there by that skull of this dinosaur and just thinking, wow, that used to be a fucking monster, you know? 0.97

01:53:18.000 That was a real thing. 0.90

01:53:19.000 It's so weird that you're allowed to like go up to it and touch it and see it.

01:53:24.000 I wonder how many things existed that there are not fossils of.

01:53:28.000 Because one of the things when you start reading things about fossils and about, you know, archaeologists and all these different people like trying to dig up the past is that it's really difficult to make a fossil.

01:53:41.000 Like fossils don't just happen all the time.

01:53:43.000 Like an animal has to get trapped in mud.

01:53:45.000 They have to die in some sort of a landslide or something.

01:53:48.000 They have to be somehow or another preserved, which usually doesn't happen.

01:53:52.000 Usually when someone dies, they rot and their bones get eaten up by animals and their tissue gets eaten up by animals and bacteria and then they're gone.

01:53:59.000 They dissolve. 0.97

01:54:00.000 How many fucking things existed that aren't in the fossil record? 0.98

01:54:05.000 Probably the majority. 0.99

01:54:06.000 You really think so?

01:54:07.000 Yeah, I would imagine so.

01:54:08.000 You would think, though, that species are around for millions and millions of years, right?

01:54:11.000 Most of them.

01:54:12.000 They're around for a long period of time and then eventually they die off.

01:54:15.000 And before they die off, for whatever reason, we've had plenty of opportunity for at least a few of them to get stuck places.

01:54:21.000 Right?

01:54:24.000 We know so little.

01:54:25.000 It's so crazy that we try to reproduce the past or figure out what happened in the past by studying what was left behind.

01:54:32.000 It's like a giant crazy puzzle.

01:54:34.000 Wouldn't it be more, wouldn't it be incredible?

01:54:36.000 And maybe this would be possible someday, if they figure out, like, say if they make a model of the Earth, like they know what existed as far as if you could do like a core sample of the Earth, you can determine like what the temperature was like, what the environment was like, what animals and plants existed.

01:54:56.000 And what if they could put all this data into a computer?

01:54:59.000 What if they could put like core samples and what we know about climatological change, all this shit, put it into a computer with the known, all the known animals that exist today and literally run a computer program that goes backwards in evolution and takes us to what existed tens of thousands of years ago, 100,000 years ago, a million years ago, 10 million years ago.

01:55:21.000 And you have to account for known asteroid impacts, known craters, known things that probably wiped out almost everything.

01:55:29.000 They're going to get to a point in time computationally, scientifically, technologically, where they are literally able to recreate the past with a computer.

01:55:38.000 Totally. 0.99

01:55:40.000 What the fuck, son? 1.00

01:55:41.000 What kind of a crazy world we live in? 1.00

01:55:43.000 We won't see it.

01:55:44.000 You think so? 0.71

01:55:44.000 We'll be dead. 0.71

01:55:45.000 I don't think so.

01:55:45.000 Yeah.

01:55:46.000 I'm not that confident.

01:55:47.000 We might see the beginning of the world. 0.99

01:55:48.000 I think we're going to see some crazy shit, dude. 1.00

01:55:50.000 I think you, with your bloody butthole, you might not. 1.00

01:55:53.000 But me, I'm going to live to be a couple more decades, for sure. 1.00

01:55:56.000 I got a few decades.

01:55:57.000 Sylvester Stallone is 62 years old. 1.00

01:55:58.000 It looks like he's a fucking... 1.00

01:56:02.000 If he's alive, if he's alive, I'm not going to last till next pelot. 1.00

01:56:06.000 You know?

01:56:08.000 When do you think you're going to go?

01:56:09.000 Sunday?

01:56:09.000 Sunday.

01:56:10.000 Yeah.

01:56:10.000 Don't say that.

01:56:11.000 I'm going to miss you.

01:56:12.000 Oh, whatever.

01:56:12.000 Don't die.

01:56:13.000 I'll be reborn in your new child.

01:56:14.000 Wow.

01:56:15.000 That's creepy.

01:56:16.000 It's really creepy because I'm about to have a new child.

01:56:18.000 You don't even know. 1.00

01:56:19.000 If Brian died tomorrow and my daughter woke up or came out of the pussy and looked at me and went like this, hey, hang out with me at the strip club. 1.00

01:56:29.000 Yeah, and started saying things that Brian says, like first words, like shit Brian says all the time. 1.00

01:56:34.000 Don't lie! 0.99

01:56:35.000 We find a way to do it.

01:56:37.000 Don't come back as my child. 1.00

01:56:39.000 That would be just rude.

01:56:40.000 Be rude. 1.00

01:56:41.000 Let my wife sucking on my wife's tits. 1.00

01:56:43.000 That's creepy. 1.00

01:56:45.000 You fucking weirdo. 1.00

01:56:46.000 Why would you want to come back as a baby? 1.00

01:56:48.000 A baby girl?

01:56:49.000 Start this party here.

01:56:50.000 Oh, that would be gross. 0.86

01:56:50.000 Can you imagine just coming back as a baby girl and you have the mind of a man? 0.86

01:56:54.000 A 34-year-old man trapped in a baby girl.

01:57:00.000 Oh, Brian. 1.00

01:57:02.000 Oh, Brian, with your fake dick talk. 0.99

01:57:04.000 Let's go to the chat and see if there's anything interesting that anybody has to say. 1.00

01:57:07.000 I'm going to urinate in that.

01:57:09.000 this is what's wrong with the internet. 0.75

01:57:10.000 What's for me, Link. 0.99

01:57:12.000 What the fuck is that guy saying? 0.99

01:57:14.000 If you survive the next 30 years, you could possibly be immortal through cell regeneration. 0.99

01:57:20.000 Yeah, that is possible.

01:57:22.000 Or it might even be weirder.

01:57:24.000 The Ray Kurzwheel idea is that we're going to be able to download consciousness into a computer.

01:57:30.000 That's a very possible idea.

01:57:32.000 If they can figure out a way to make some sort of a reproduction of the human mind, some sort of a computer that actually, whether it's a software or hardware issue, where you reproduce all the functions of a human brain and then somehow or another download consciousness into that computer.

01:57:51.000 You could use that and replicate it. 0.98

01:57:54.000 And you could literally exist in a bunch of different fucking computers. 0.99

01:58:00.000 That would be very strange if it was all happening. 0.99

01:58:02.000 Say if you downloaded your consciousness into computers, but your consciousness was still attached to those computers.

01:58:08.000 So instead of you being able to live a different life inside this computer, what if that life is going on at the same time, like an echo in your head, and everything you do is like doubled and tripled. 0.70

01:58:20.000 And it's like you go fucking crazy because your consciousness is in a bunch of different computers and all these different things are going on at the same time, but it's all inside your head and you can't fucking get away and you ruined it. 0.99

01:58:29.000 So you got to find the computers that have your consciousness in it and fucking kill them just to stop the madness in your head because there's a fucking crazy echo because you're living a thousand different lives all at once inside fucking computers. 1.00

01:58:41.000 My dick smelled like pussy. 1.00

01:58:42.000 I forgot to take a shower this morning. 1.00

01:58:43.000 It was awful.

01:58:46.000 It's awesome.

01:58:46.000 How bad is that?

01:58:47.000 Is it good?

01:58:48.000 Does it smell good?

01:58:49.000 I love that. 1.00

01:58:50.000 Pussy has two smells. 1.00

01:58:51.000 None or awful. 1.00

01:58:53.000 You're not supposed to smell pussy. 1.00

01:58:54.000 It's just that slight pussy where you have a little bit of a drink. 1.00

01:58:56.000 Slight pussy? 1.00

01:58:57.000 I think you're thinking that it's a slight pussy, but really it's your dead loads. 1.00

01:59:01.000 That's what I think it is. 1.00

01:59:02.000 I think you're getting all excited smelling your own loads.

01:59:05.000 That's what it is.

01:59:06.000 It's your own loads that are trapped in your underwear.

01:59:09.000 You might be right.

01:59:10.000 I think that's what it is, man. 0.99

01:59:11.000 Probably my butthole I smell. 0.99

01:59:13.000 Ew! 0.99

01:59:15.000 Ew! 0.98

01:59:17.000 These rampaid versus Rashad.

01:59:20.000 Who's going to win?

01:59:21.000 Listen, ladies and gentlemen, I'm never, never going to answer. 0.99

01:59:24.000 I don't know who the fuck is going to win. 0.99

01:59:26.000 That's why they're fighting, man. 0.99

01:59:27.000 That's the whole deal.

01:59:28.000 I'm not doing comedy when I'm coming to Vancouver this time because I was supposed to do the Red Robinson Theater, but apparently they have some sort of a corporate thing that they booked out for three days in a row, and they can't cancel it.

01:59:40.000 And that's the only time I'm going to be there.

01:59:42.000 And they didn't want me doing another club because I always do their club.

01:59:45.000 I sort of have an agreement.

01:59:46.000 It's a big theater. 0.98

01:59:48.000 So this time I'm not going to be doing shit. 0.99

01:59:50.000 So I'm going to go find Bad Bobby. 0.99

01:59:52.000 I'm going to go eat steak like men. 1.00

01:59:54.000 He ain't show me around Vancouver.

01:59:57.000 All right.

01:59:58.000 Other questions here?

01:59:59.000 See, talk about Overeem.

02:00:00.000 You don't even know who Overeem is.

02:00:02.000 You only follow the UFC, right?

02:00:04.000 You didn't see the Strike Force on Showtime? 1.00

02:00:06.000 You poor fool. 1.00

02:00:07.000 You missed out on everything. 1.00

02:00:08.000 I don't have Showtime. 1.00

02:00:09.000 Dude, Alistar Overem is a motherfucker. 1.00

02:00:12.000 He beat the shit out of Brett Rogers. 1.00

02:00:14.000 Brett Rogers is that guy that fought Fedor last. 1.00

02:00:17.000 You don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:00:17.000 You don't care. 1.00

02:00:18.000 You don't care about something.

02:00:20.000 Not that fight.

02:00:22.000 Bumper sticker idea. 1.00

02:00:23.000 Real Catholics fuck kids. 1.00

02:00:25.000 Wow. 1.00

02:00:25.000 Okay, fella. 1.00

02:00:28.000 Boy, there's a lot of bad questions here in this trap.

02:00:32.000 Do you know who Mark Emery is?

02:00:34.000 You know, that guy's extraditing him or have extradited him to America.

02:00:38.000 Or he's going to spend five years in jail for selling seeds.

02:00:42.000 Seeds that make people happy.

02:00:43.000 Pot seeds.

02:00:44.000 Meanwhile, his own country, not only are they not prosecuting him, he was roaming the streets free.

02:00:50.000 He was fine in his own country.

02:00:51.000 He was fine.

02:00:52.000 And they're extraditing him because they're saying he's responsible for millions of dollars of sales of seeds here in America.

02:00:58.000 And he's ran a drug empire by selling these seeds. 0.99

02:01:02.000 It's pretty fucked up. 0.99

02:01:02.000 You know what I do? 0.99

02:01:03.000 Yeah, it's fucked up, but you know what? 0.99

02:01:04.000 I don't feel bad about because that's the risk you take when you have to do shit like selling seeds and stuff like that. 0.99

02:01:09.000 You know what I mean? 0.87

02:01:10.000 You don't feel bad? 0.99

02:01:12.000 I mean, I feel bad, but also, like, if I was selling marijuana seeds, I would know that, hey, there's a slight chance that I could be fucked somehow. 0.98

02:01:19.000 But in his country, there's not. 0.97

02:01:20.000 In his country, it's totally legal.

02:01:21.000 The problem, he was shipping them to America.

02:01:23.000 If he never shipped them to America and just sold them in Canada, he'd be golden. 0.99

02:01:26.000 Sounds like he's dumb for it. 1.00

02:01:27.000 In Canada, they don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:01:29.000 I mean, they do when they have to, they deal with shit. 1.00

02:01:31.000 But the reality is, like, it's like, it's not really legal in Vancouver, but it's legal. 0.99

02:01:36.000 I mean, they tolerate it.

02:01:37.000 They just let it happen. 0.94

02:01:39.000 They had smoke shops and shit, just like Amsterdam up there, you know, where you could just go and smoke weed. 1.00

02:01:43.000 And this motherfucker was just out in the open with it and selling seeds to America. 0.99

02:01:48.000 And now they're extraditing him. 0.99

02:01:50.000 He's going to have to do five years in jail.

02:01:52.000 And he's not a young man. 1.00

02:01:53.000 It's a long ass fucking time to be locked in a cage for a plant that makes you silly. 0.99

02:01:58.000 The fact that that's still even debated in 2010, that would be wasting any resources at all, prosecuting anyone for pot. 0.99

02:02:06.000 I mean, even a little bit.

02:02:07.000 Even if they're saying he broke the law.

02:02:09.000 So what? 1.00

02:02:10.000 The law is fucking stupid. 1.00

02:02:12.000 It's a dumb fucking law. 1.00

02:02:13.000 The law is stupid, but he knew what he was doing. 1.00

02:02:15.000 So what? 1.00

02:02:16.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

02:02:17.000 The law's dumb. 0.99

02:02:18.000 Well, for terrorism. 0.98

02:02:20.000 Yes, but no, he should be able to do it.

02:02:22.000 You shouldn't be able to put a guy in jail for that. 0.99

02:02:24.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

02:02:25.000 In 2010, we got so many discrepancies, so many fucked up hypocritical situations in our culture. 1.00

02:02:32.000 How about gambling? 0.95

02:02:33.000 How about the fact that dudes are getting busted having poker games?

02:02:36.000 You know that? 0.99

02:02:37.000 People are getting busted, like they're breaking open private poker games, and cops are coming and taking money and shit. 0.98

02:02:43.000 I've read a bunch of stories about shit like this happening, where people are getting in trouble for gambling, playing poker with their own money. 0.98

02:02:50.000 I mean, it's one of the reasons why you have to go to these goddamn Indian, not that there's anything wrong with an Indian casino, but you have to go to Indian casinos. 0.99

02:02:56.000 You can't have a casino down the street from your house. 0.99

02:02:56.000 You can't have one. 0.99

02:02:59.000 It has to be in certain places.

02:03:01.000 And you only play certain games in them, you know.

02:03:03.000 I mean, there's a lot of them in California, and there's Bellflower, and there's a few, but in most parts of the country, it's very difficult to find casinos.

02:03:10.000 And you can't play poker online because it's illegal.

02:03:13.000 So if you want to play online, you have to go through a third party.

02:03:16.000 And it's like you have to send your money to someplace. 0.86

02:03:19.000 It's fucking all cryptic and weird. 0.99

02:03:20.000 And you don't know what the fuck is happening. 0.99

02:03:22.000 It's all probably illegal anyway. 0.96

02:03:24.000 If you got in trouble for doing it the way you're doing it, even if you do it through a third party, you could probably get some Sort of a fine or something for it.

02:03:31.000 I mean, I don't know what they could do to you, but it's illegal. 0.98

02:03:34.000 But meanwhile, the government has a fucking lottery. 0.99

02:03:36.000 I mean, you know, the lottery is the worst odds available ever for gambling. 1.00

02:03:40.000 You ever be stuck behind someone who's a lottery addict? 0.99

02:03:43.000 Some poor fucking lady was in front of me the other day at the gas station, and I'm getting a Gatorade with my gas. 1.00

02:03:49.000 What's Gatorade theme day? 1.00

02:03:51.000 You had some Gatorade?

02:03:51.000 Notice that?

02:03:52.000 I had some Gatorade?

02:03:53.000 I'm getting a Gatorade, and this poor lady orders like 10 of these things, and she's like furiously scratching at these tickets. 1.00

02:03:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:58.000 And you're like, this lady's like addicted, man. 1.00

02:04:01.000 She's playing the worst odds ever.

02:04:01.000 Like, look at her.

02:04:04.000 She's bought 10 tickets.

02:04:05.000 What are the odds that any of them are going to be any good? 0.98

02:04:07.000 Pretty fucking low.

02:04:08.000 Have you ever won anything from those before? 0.98

02:04:10.000 No.

02:04:10.000 I've won like 10 bucks.

02:04:11.000 I won a free ticket once.

02:04:12.000 I played the lottery.

02:04:14.000 I won a free ticket.

02:04:15.000 I played that free ticket.

02:04:16.000 I lost.

02:04:17.000 I was done.

02:04:17.000 That was it.

02:04:18.000 Never played again.

02:04:19.000 But the odds are astronomical.

02:04:22.000 And the hook is that if you do win, it's so much money.

02:04:26.000 Oh my God.

02:04:27.000 You could do a dollar, a dollar, a dollar for 100 days.

02:04:30.000 Then all of a sudden you win $5,000.

02:04:32.000 Whoa.

02:04:33.000 You put $100 investment in, but it was worth it.

02:04:35.000 And then once you get that one $5,000 hit, you're like, oh, you get addicted. 0.95

02:04:39.000 I'm going to win the super fucking Powerball jackpot, $400 million, be set for life. 1.00

02:04:45.000 The government is the biggest fucking dealer when it comes to addicted gamblers. 1.00

02:04:50.000 The government's dishing it out. 1.00

02:04:53.000 You could gamble lottery in every fucking state, probably, right? 0.99

02:04:56.000 Is there a state where you can't gamble? 0.99

02:04:58.000 A state where you can't go to the lottery?

02:04:59.000 I don't think so. 1.00

02:05:00.000 How about the goddamn stock market? 1.00

02:05:01.000 That's a fucking gamble. 1.00

02:05:03.000 That's a gamble and it's legal. 1.00

02:05:05.000 Why can't you fucking play poker? 1.00

02:05:06.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

02:05:07.000 We live in a goddamn nanny state. 1.00

02:05:09.000 It's a nanny state, Brian. 1.00

02:05:13.000 So you think you're going to die? 1.00

02:05:15.000 You look like shit. 1.00

02:05:15.000 It's getting worse. 1.00

02:05:17.000 I don't know if it's just because I haven't ate in 2016.

02:05:17.000 Is it?

02:05:19.000 You haven't eaten in a long time, man.

02:05:21.000 This is a low energy show, and that's why.

02:05:26.000 This guy won $500 and got a new flat-screen TV.

02:05:29.000 Well, congratulations.

02:05:30.000 Quit now, and you're way ahead.

02:05:31.000 That's a good move.

02:05:32.000 Taxes, taxes, taxes.

02:05:34.000 Yeah, but here's the problem with the idea of taxes, taxes, taxes when it comes to poker.

02:05:38.000 Just make people pay taxes, just like strippers have to pay taxes. 1.00

02:05:42.000 They're not always right. 0.94

02:05:43.000 You know, I mean, you know, you just make people fucking make them accountable. 0.93

02:05:48.000 You know, if you really want, the whole tax situation is pretty disgusting as it is. 0.91

02:05:53.000 You know, especially if you're in a 48% tax bracket like a lot of people are.

02:05:56.000 It's gross.

02:05:57.000 The government should never get half your money. 1.00

02:05:58.000 That's fucking completely ridiculous. 0.99

02:06:00.000 You make $100, they get $50 or $48. 1.00

02:06:03.000 That's stupid. 1.00

02:06:04.000 That doesn't make any goddamn sense. 1.00

02:06:05.000 And you got to protect yourself and set up a bunch of different shit so that they'd only take a small slice out of your pie. 0.99

02:06:11.000 You know, you got to move to Nevada or open a corporation or do a bunch of different stupid things so that you can have less money out there that they get to steal from you. 1.00

02:06:21.000 Or are you just taking an ass like me and just give them all the money that they're going to be doing? 1.00

02:06:25.000 Yeah, you got audited like a motherfucker. 1.00

02:06:27.000 What happened, son? 1.00

02:06:29.000 Did you make a video about the IRS?

02:06:30.000 No.

02:06:31.000 And it sucks they're going to audit me again this year.

02:06:34.000 Well, you did it because you used one of those programs and you tried to take a lot of different things off.

02:06:39.000 TurboTax, and then I used home office and blah, blah, blah.

02:06:44.000 And then they just don't like it when you have a home office, I guess.

02:06:47.000 They don't like it when you have a lot of exemptions.

02:06:49.000 Is that what it is?

02:06:50.000 Well, I would like write off like, you know, like electricity, write off like gas and, you know, driving batteries.

02:06:56.000 Because it's a home office.

02:06:57.000 Yeah, and stuff like that. 0.99

02:06:58.000 You know, or whenever I'd buy batteries and stupid stuff like that. 0.99

02:07:01.000 Right. 0.99

02:07:01.000 But I thought, because I buy everything online. 0.99

02:07:05.000 So what I was thinking is like, oh, I have receipts for everything because I use credit cards and I buy online.

02:07:09.000 Well, Visa and Mascara and all these guys decided to, hey, we're not going to save all your stuff.

02:07:16.000 We're only saved the last year.

02:07:18.000 So they changed it where it used to be like you would have, you could go back.

02:07:21.000 I was able to go back like three years and check out my statements like three years ago, but they stopped it.

02:07:26.000 So now it's only one year.

02:07:27.000 So I just lost like all my receipts.

02:07:30.000 So you never kept anything in hard form.

02:07:32.000 Everything was online. 0.99

02:07:33.000 Yeah, so I got kind of got fucked by that. 0.98

02:07:35.000 They're in cahoots. 0.99

02:07:35.000 I wonder if they did. 0.99

02:07:36.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:07:37.000 Turbo TIRS. 0.86

02:07:38.000 TurboTax Responsible. 1.00

02:07:39.000 Contacts MasterCard says, listen, you don't have to keep that shit. 1.00

02:07:43.000 12 months? 1.00

02:07:44.000 That's enough, dude. 1.00

02:07:46.000 You don't have to hold shit for 10, 12 years. 1.00

02:07:48.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:07:49.000 They should have files. 1.00

02:07:50.000 It's not your responsibility.

02:07:52.000 It's not ours.

02:07:52.000 I agree.

02:07:53.000 I mean, we're just providing a service.

02:07:55.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

02:07:55.000 Fuck them. 1.00

02:07:56.000 Burn that shit. 1.00

02:07:56.000 Fuck the records. 1.00

02:07:58.000 What are they running out of hard drive space over at Bank of America? 1.00

02:08:00.000 That's ridiculous.

02:08:01.000 Is that a 12 kilobyte file? 1.00

02:08:02.000 You cunts. 1.00

02:08:03.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:08:04.000 You fucking inbed cunts. 1.00

02:08:06.000 The IRS in itself is supposedly illegal. 1.00

02:08:09.000 I mean, all these wacky people that don't think you should pay taxes. 0.98

02:08:14.000 Where the fuck does the money go? 0.99

02:08:14.000 Good luck with that. 0.99

02:08:16.000 That's the crazy thing when you really look at taxes.

02:08:18.000 There's no receipt.

02:08:19.000 It's no like, hey, Mr. Johnson, you spent $30,000 in taxes this year, and this is what we did with your money.

02:08:25.000 We spent this X amount on your local middle school and X amount on this.

02:08:31.000 And X amount went to that. 0.99

02:08:33.000 No, you don't get a fucking receipt. 0.99

02:08:34.000 They're not accountable. 0.99

02:08:36.000 That's why when you hear about crazy no-bid contracts and that they're in bed with these fucking Halliburton and all these different companies that are getting these crazy fucking contracts and then money winds up missing and they can't account for billions of dollars. 0.98

02:08:36.000 That's the problem. 0.98

02:08:53.000 This is mad clusterfuck of money and a big grab.

02:08:58.000 Who is stealing?

02:08:59.000 When it comes to this bank thing, this whole bank bailout thing, when you look at the money and they talk about $700 billion and all this money flying left and right and people still getting bonuses, is it really, do they have an accounting system for all this?

02:09:15.000 I mean, can we really tell where your tax dollars went to this bailout and how it was used? 0.98

02:09:19.000 They don't even have to fucking tell you. 0.97

02:09:21.000 They don't even have to tell you. 1.00

02:09:23.000 But yet, if you file a tax report, motherfucker, you better have receipts for everything. 0.99

02:09:28.000 You better have receipts for every goddamn thing you want an exemption for. 0.99

02:09:32.000 But when you ask them, like, what did you do with all my tax dollars? 0.97

02:09:34.000 You used it to get these bankers...

02:09:38.000 wait a minute these bankers set it up do you know that they were shorting they were making sure that they were protected on both ends they were selling clients a certain stock and then gambling that that stock was gonna fail you should probably not talk about the irs i should probably be quiet right that's amazing duncan trussell to give me the best advice don't talk about the irs look it is i'm talking about the whole System, man.

02:10:01.000 Man, man, man. 0.90

02:10:03.000 It's just, it's incredible that it's set up that way and that politicians don't do a goddamn thing to change it.

02:10:08.000 Obama was swearing before he got into office that he was going to end no-bid contracts.

02:10:13.000 And he just gave the former company known as Halliburton, I guess they changed their name to something else, but he just gave them some $500 million no-bid deal, exactly what he said he wouldn't do. 0.99

02:10:23.000 That motherfucker. 0.99

02:10:27.000 We're up to two hours and ten minutes, Joe. 1.00

02:10:29.000 Well, that's what Brian is saying, that his vagina's hurting, his butthole's bleeding, and he's a tired man. 1.00

02:10:35.000 Everybody's saying, wake up. 1.00

02:10:36.000 People are saying, wake up, Red Band.

02:10:38.000 Dying.

02:10:39.000 People are sad.

02:10:39.000 Wake up.

02:10:41.000 50% goes to the military.

02:10:43.000 Does it really? 0.98

02:10:43.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.98

02:10:44.000 Does anybody know what the actual numbers are of money going to the military? 0.99

02:10:48.000 All right, let's take a couple questions.

02:10:49.000 We'll go to the board.

02:10:50.000 See if anybody has anything interesting to say.

02:10:56.000 This is a Tron hoodie, by the way.

02:10:58.000 I'm in the movie Tron.

02:10:58.000 Is it?

02:10:58.000 Yeah.

02:11:00.000 Look at you. 1.00

02:11:02.000 You really are a fucking nerd, huh? 1.00

02:11:04.000 You're for real. 1.00

02:11:05.000 So a lot of dudes fake and nerddom.

02:11:08.000 Right?

02:11:09.000 Yeah.

02:11:10.000 I'm a real nerd.

02:11:13.000 Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bruce Buffer were on Sure Dog Radio today.

02:11:17.000 Whoa.

02:11:18.000 Good times.

02:11:20.000 Good times, ladies and gentlemen.

02:11:22.000 I think we went through the entire broadcast without me saying bananas.

02:11:25.000 I said it.

02:11:26.000 I tried to say like as little as possible as well.

02:11:29.000 Because, like, that's annoying.

02:11:30.000 Like, man...

02:11:32.000 Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...

02:11:37.000 Um...

02:11:39.000 Is the feed usually choppy? 1.00

02:11:41.000 How many people are in this stupid thing? 1.00

02:11:42.000 A thousand people. 1.00

02:11:44.000 That's all we ever get.

02:11:45.000 That's what we're good for.

02:11:45.000 We're good for 1,000 people.

02:11:50.000 These guys are just, they don't even have anything planned.

02:11:52.000 They're just reading questions now.

02:11:54.000 It's been going on for two hours.

02:11:59.000 This guy says, oh, he's quoting me. 1.00

02:12:01.000 Twice in my life I've developed blisters on my dick from jacking it. 1.00

02:12:04.000 My suspicions are confirmed. 1.00

02:12:06.000 There are others.

02:12:08.000 What does that mean?

02:12:09.000 Other suspicions?

02:12:10.000 What's trying to say?

02:12:12.000 What do I think about e-cigarettes? 0.99

02:12:13.000 I think the chemical they use for the smoke dries out your throat and causes your throat to get fucked up. 0.99

02:12:19.000 Does it? 0.99

02:12:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:12:20.000 I mean, I was spitting up blood from using e-cigarettes.

02:12:23.000 But that's you, dude.

02:12:24.000 You got a weak costume. 1.00

02:12:25.000 Yeah, but if you Google it, the chemical that they use for it is the same shit they use. 0.99

02:12:30.000 And it's an FDA-approved chemical, but it's used to make fog in nightclubs. 0.99

02:12:35.000 And one of the things it does is dries out your throat. 0.99

02:12:38.000 And my shit started getting jacked up. 0.99

02:12:40.000 And then I was spitting blood. 1.00

02:12:41.000 And I was like, fuck this. 1.00

02:12:42.000 I'd rather smoke a cigarette than this nonsense. 1.00

02:12:45.000 Really?

02:12:46.000 Yeah, so I don't know.

02:12:47.000 So they're not good, but don't they help you quit?

02:12:49.000 Because they don't want to get it.

02:12:49.000 You know what helps you quit?

02:12:51.000 Just fucking get a patch. 1.00

02:12:52.000 That helps me quit. 0.99

02:12:54.000 Yeah.

02:12:54.000 Did it?

02:12:54.000 I wear it one day, two days, and I'm good.

02:12:58.000 Two days is all it took.

02:12:59.000 Now, you were smoking for a while before this new girlfriend.

02:13:02.000 You had the old girlfriend.

02:13:04.000 You want to talk about that?

02:13:05.000 No.

02:13:05.000 Okay.

02:13:07.000 I don't mean about your situation.

02:13:08.000 I mean, she smoked, right?

02:13:09.000 Yeah.

02:13:10.000 Now I live with somebody that doesn't smoke, so it's easier.

02:13:14.000 But yeah, when you live with somebody that smokes, it's impossible to stop smoking when that other person's smoking.

02:13:19.000 Yeah, I can imagine, you know, if I get addicted to certain things, like for a while, I was addicted to cleaning out my ears at Q-tips. 0.96

02:13:26.000 I fucking love it.

02:13:27.000 It feels so good to get in there. 0.99

02:13:29.000 Sardines.

02:13:30.000 Sardines, but I wasn't really addicted to sardines.

02:13:32.000 But the Q-tips, man, it's hard for me to walk by a box of Q-tips and not want to stick one over my ear.

02:13:37.000 But if you live with someone and they're all cleaning their ear, making moaning noises, like, then it makes it even harder.

02:13:43.000 You know? 1.00

02:13:44.000 You're like, I'm trying not to fucking, my doctor told me not to be sticking shit in my ear. 0.99

02:13:47.000 I'm trying to do the right thing. 1.00

02:13:49.000 And you're over here digging in your ear and moaning. 1.00

02:13:53.000 One time, for real, though, I did put two Q-tips in my ear at the same time and I took a shit. 1.00

02:13:59.000 Wow. 0.99

02:14:00.000 It was the best feeling ever.

02:14:01.000 It was one of the best feelings ever.

02:14:05.000 My ex had one in her ear and then she answered the phone and she went like this. 0.92

02:14:09.000 And then she had a Q-tip shoved into her ear and pierced her eardrum and blood. 1.00

02:14:15.000 Well, she's retarded. 1.00

02:14:17.000 That's a dumb thing to do. 1.00

02:14:18.000 But yeah, I could feel it. 0.99

02:14:20.000 That's painful.

02:14:21.000 Ooh, puncturing your eardrum.

02:14:23.000 I've heard of dudes getting their eardrum punctured in fights, ruptured, you know, from getting headkicked or punched in the head.

02:14:29.000 Punch in the ear, you know, your ear ruptures, and then you can't hear out of your ear, and it's got to heal up.

02:14:33.000 Sometimes they have to do surgery on people's ears. 0.99

02:14:36.000 Guys have fucking ear problems from jiu-jitsu, too, like that cauliflower ear. 0.98

02:14:40.000 Sometimes it actually goes, the bleeding and the swelling goes inside the ear and the inside ear can get infected. 0.99

02:14:47.000 This dude, Dave Terrell, a guy who fought for the UFC for a while, and he's a very, very accomplished grappler.

02:14:55.000 He's had like some serious problems with his ears where he's actually had to get his ears cut off of his head.

02:15:00.000 They actually had it like peel his ears back, fix whatever the fuck was in it, and then sew them back on his head. 0.98

02:15:06.000 Yo. 0.99

02:15:06.000 Wow. 0.99

02:15:08.000 Yo.

02:15:08.000 Barf.

02:15:10.000 Things like that make me not want to stick a q-tip in my ear.

02:15:13.000 But I couldn't imagine if, you know, I had a cigarette thing. 0.97

02:15:16.000 If I had a cigarette thing and I was living with someone who's smoking all the time, especially when they're stressed out and they fucking fire that cigarette up. 0.61

02:15:25.000 And you see the relaxation come across their face. 0.70

02:15:27.000 I've seen it with you, dude.

02:15:28.000 I've seen that look on your face.

02:15:30.000 I've been thinking about it.

02:15:32.000 Wow.

02:15:32.000 Really?

02:15:33.000 I've seen that look on your face many times where you've been freaking out.

02:15:35.000 Something's been driving you crazy and you and you take that.

02:15:41.000 God, it sounds delicious right now.

02:15:45.000 And I see the relaxation, just the calmness wash over you.

02:15:49.000 What an evil trick.

02:15:50.000 And you know what the calmness actually is. 0.75

02:15:53.000 It's actually just satisfying that monkey on your back.

02:15:56.000 That's really all it is.

02:15:58.000 It's not like cigarettes make you calm.

02:16:00.000 It's that the lack of cigarettes makes you tense.

02:16:03.000 And when you get that cigarette in your system, then you become calm.

02:16:06.000 Like, what a terrible trick. 0.98

02:16:07.000 Like, it's so goddamn addictive. 0.97

02:16:09.000 We're not talking about something that's so addictive, you have to do it once a week. 0.98

02:16:12.000 You know, that's addictive.

02:16:13.000 You know, some people are addicted to certain things and they have to do them like once a day. 0.99

02:16:17.000 We're talking about every 15, 20 fucking minutes, man. 0.99

02:16:21.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:16:22.000 That's crazy.

02:16:23.000 It's like twirling your hair.

02:16:24.000 It's nuts that it's so popular.

02:16:26.000 How many people in America smoke cigarettes?

02:16:29.000 Like 40. 1.00

02:16:32.000 It's a big fucking number, and not a single politician ever says a goddamn thing about stopping it. 0.99

02:16:39.000 Do what you got to do, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

02:16:39.000 Whatever. 0.99

02:16:42.000 That's my advice to you.

02:16:44.000 Next gig.

02:16:45.000 I don't have anything coming up, to be honest with you, in America.

02:16:48.000 My next gigs are June 17th in Saskatoon, Canada, June 18th at Grand Prairie, Alberta, and June 19th in Winnipeg.

02:17:02.000 So those are my next comedy gigs.

02:17:04.000 And then the next big one in America is, well, in June, I'm at the improv in Irvine, but Brian doesn't have that up on my calendar.

02:17:15.000 It's the Ustream calendar.

02:17:16.000 It's not been updated. 0.99

02:17:17.000 Get the fucking Ustream calendar updated, son. 0.98

02:17:19.000 But that's towards the end of June, I'm at the Irvine Improv. 0.99

02:17:24.000 I don't remember, 20 something, something, something.

02:17:27.000 And then July 2nd, I'm at the House of Blues in Las Vegas.

02:17:32.000 If you want to find out the actual full schedule, you can go to joerogan.net and get it there.

02:17:38.000 They found a hole in space, this guy says.

02:17:40.000 What are you talking about, son?

02:17:42.000 You can't just say things like that in capital letters.

02:17:44.000 They found a hole in space. 0.99

02:17:46.000 Do you mean a floating vagina? 1.00

02:17:48.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:17:50.000 Is it a monster butthole? 0.91

02:17:52.000 Why do you need to wear headsets? 0.98

02:17:54.000 Why do you care?

02:17:55.000 Why do you care for wear headsets, sir?

02:17:56.000 What's wrong with you?

02:17:57.000 What is this hole in space, sir?

02:17:59.000 Can I Google hole in space and will you be vindicated? 0.94

02:18:04.000 Or will it be some fucking Snopes debunked article where there really isn't a hole in space? 0.85

02:18:11.000 Huge hole found in the universe from 2007. 0.94

02:18:14.000 Well, those things take a while to get to this guy.

02:18:18.000 Maybe he's in Ohio.

02:18:19.000 The universe has a huge hole in it that dwarfs everything, anything else of its kind.

02:18:24.000 The discovery caught astronomers by surprise.

02:18:27.000 The hole is nearly a billion light years across.

02:18:30.000 It's not a black hole, which a small sphere of densely packed matter.

02:18:34.000 Rather. 0.99

02:18:35.000 What the fuck that old news? 0.99

02:18:36.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:18:37.000 What?

02:18:38.000 San Diego.

02:18:39.000 Huge earthquake just hit.

02:18:40.000 Really?

02:18:41.000 Maybe a five-point something, it looks like. 1.00

02:18:43.000 That's not huge, Faggot. 1.00

02:18:44.000 Five-point. 1.00

02:18:45.000 That's nothing.

02:18:47.000 Is that the California Nevada font line?

02:18:47.000 That's the Cal.

02:18:49.000 Yeah, exactly where I was telling you last time how there's a million – So don't move to San Diego. 1.00

02:18:55.000 Fuck San Diego. 1.00

02:18:56.000 Oh, that is pretty nutty. 1.00

02:18:58.000 They say the Pacific Northwest is due, too. 0.99

02:19:00.000 They were talking about that in some paper I read about Oregon, that Oregon's due for another fucking gigantic blast. 1.00

02:19:06.000 Anyway, there's a fucking hole in the universe, son. 0.99

02:19:09.000 The universe is populated with visible stars, gas, and dust, but most of the matter in the universe is invisible. 0.99

02:19:14.000 Scientists know something is there because they can measure the gravitational effects of the so-called dark matter.

02:19:20.000 Voids exist, but they are typically relatively small.

02:19:23.000 Well, this fucking void, this gargantuan hole, was found by examining observations made by using the Very Large Array, the VLA telescope, in Chile, funded by the National Science Foundation. 0.99

02:19:36.000 Yeah, there's some shit out there, folks. 0.99

02:19:37.000 There's so much more shit out there than we have mapped out and understand. 1.00

02:19:43.000 It's one of the reasons why we tune into Fox News. 1.00

02:19:46.000 It's one of the reasons why we're fascinated by who Tiger Woods is fucking, because the universe itself is too scary and too much of a just gigantic reminder that we ain't shit. 0.97

02:19:55.000 And with that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into the podcast. 0.98

02:19:59.000 Fleshlight.com. 1.00

02:20:00.000 Yeah, go there and buy something and fuck it. 1.00

02:20:02.000 It's way better than your hand, and I don't think it's that expensive. 1.00

02:20:05.000 How much are those things?

02:20:06.000 Like $69, $79.

02:20:07.000 Is that really all it is?

02:20:08.000 Yeah.

02:20:09.000 It's worth it. 0.98

02:20:10.000 If you think about how much money you spend on dates with girls that you don't like, hoping that you can fuck them, when you could save that and reuse that flashlight over and over and over again, people are like, oh, you've got to clean it. 0.98

02:20:20.000 It's really not that hard. 0.99

02:20:21.000 No, no, you just hook it up to the Turn the faucet on.

02:20:24.000 And your comp squirts out.

02:20:25.000 It squirts out the back.

02:20:27.000 No problem.

02:20:27.000 It's not hard at all.

02:20:28.000 And then you get like a little squeegee in there and ram it and keep it.

02:20:33.000 How's the book coming?

02:20:34.000 The book is coming good.

02:20:36.000 It's doing very well.

02:20:39.000 It's weird and it's taking a long time.

02:20:42.000 It takes a long time to write, to actually write something out.

02:20:44.000 It would have been probably way easier if I tried to transcribe it and just talk, but use maybe a dictation program or something like that.

02:20:51.000 but I don't think it'll be as good.

02:20:52.000 I think it's better to, But when you do just write things out, you're forced to edit them, and you're forced to go over them again and see the poetry of each sentence.

02:21:03.000 It's much, much better for reading, I think, if you actually write it out.

02:21:07.000 If you actually just talk it, sometimes it's not going to be as smooth as if you've reviewed it.

02:21:15.000 It won't be done.

02:21:16.000 It's due in October.

02:21:17.000 That's when it's due. 1.00

02:21:18.000 It takes a long time to do these fucking things. 0.99

02:21:20.000 A lot longer than I thought. 0.99

02:21:21.000 Blogs are easy. 0.98

02:21:23.000 I put a blog up the most.

02:21:24.000 It's like 2,000 words.

02:21:25.000 That's a giant one.

02:21:26.000 And that takes like six or seven hours.

02:21:28.000 But it doesn't matter because no one's paying me to do it.

02:21:31.000 So it's like I do my best.

02:21:32.000 I do what I think it is and I throw it up there.

02:21:34.000 Whereas like this, I'm trying to put more attention and focus to.

02:21:38.000 So that's it.

02:21:40.000 You know my Twitter.

02:21:41.000 It's Joe Rogan.

02:21:42.000 You know my website, joerogan.net. 0.98

02:21:45.000 And I told you about the upcoming dates in June in Canada and in the Irvine Improv, and then July 2nd in Las Vegas at the House of Blues will be a fucking party. 0.94

02:21:56.000 Looks like Sam Tripley is doing that with me. 0.99

02:21:58.000 Should be fucking crazy. 0.98

02:21:59.000 Sam Triple, if you've never seen him. 0.99

02:22:01.000 Hilarious.

02:22:02.000 Very funny guy.

02:22:02.000 Shout out to Matty Kirsch.

02:22:04.000 All right, folks, that's it for this week.

02:22:05.000 We will see you next week.

02:22:06.000 Same bat time, same bat channel. 0.97

02:22:08.000 It's almost always around the same time, which is 3 p.m.

02:22:11.000 Pacific.

02:22:12.000 Thank you very much.

02:22:13.000 Red band.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 18, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #21 - Brian Redban

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript