The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #212

00:00:02.000 Today's all about positivity, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:05.000 Today, we're bringing it back to the plus sign.

00:00:09.000 There's been some ripples in the force over the last few days.

00:00:12.000 We've gone through them, and through a strict diet of staying awake all night and not getting enough food in our system, we're back.

00:00:21.000 I'm living off macaroni salad.

00:00:23.000 And living off macaroni salad and fleshlights.

00:00:26.000 The Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:30.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:39.000 It's also brought to you by Onnit.com.

00:00:42.000 Brian, we're going to get you some Onnit pills.

00:00:45.000 We're going to get you up Onnit.

00:00:46.000 Get up Onnit.

00:00:48.000 What is Onnit?

00:00:49.000 What is that?

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00:01:11.000 There's a bunch of research to suggest that there are nutrients that can enhance the levels of neurotransmitters that your brain makes and enhance the way your brain functions.

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00:01:43.000 And go to this website and check out all the different information and all the different explanations for what each thing is supposed to do and do your research.

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00:02:05.000 If you try it and you're like, this is just not my shit.

00:02:08.000 I take it.

00:02:08.000 I took it before I ever endorsed any of this stuff.

00:02:12.000 I took Bill Romanowski's Neuro One.

00:02:15.000 If you know about Bill Romanowski, he had a lot of head injuries, a lot of concussions.

00:02:19.000 And one of the ways he dealt with it was concocting this nootropic blend.

00:02:23.000 And I became fascinated with nootropics.

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00:02:27.000 It's good stuff.

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00:02:36.000 Go to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, my friend.

00:02:38.000 Brian Callens here, and the party will now begin.

00:02:41.000 Ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:42.000 Ladies.

00:02:44.000 It's a Jack Rogan experience.

00:02:46.000 Train by day.

00:02:47.000 Joe Rogan podcast by night.

00:02:49.000 All day.

00:02:50.000 Is that my boy Nick?

00:02:51.000 That's Nick Diaz.

00:02:52.000 Nick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:53.000 Nick Diaz is in the opening forever.

00:02:55.000 That was one of the coolest moments of my UFC broadcasting career.

00:02:59.000 How about Rory McDonald giving you a shout out?

00:03:01.000 He's in there too.

00:03:02.000 He's in the beginning.

00:03:02.000 That kid is ridiculous.

00:03:05.000 Oh my God, he's scary.

00:03:05.000 That guy was so much bigger than him too.

00:03:07.000 So scary.

00:03:07.000 He's like, I'm going to shoot a single leg on you at will and then I'm going to climb you and I'm going to beat you up.

00:03:11.000 He's so scary because, first of all, he's super-duper dedicated.

00:03:16.000 And he's one of those kids, he's only like 22. When you're only like 22, 23 years old, man, if you get that good that young, you can get away with a lot of shit.

00:03:26.000 He's the one who came up with just pure MMA. But I also think, as good as these athletes are now and everything else, there are some people that have a real edge, but it's got to be because of their philosophy and who's teaching them.

00:03:40.000 It's that.

00:03:41.000 It's certainly part of that.

00:03:42.000 But to get a Roy McDonald, it's so rare.

00:03:45.000 It's so rare that you get someone who has that kind of focus, that kind of intensity.

00:03:49.000 Dude, how about his stare in the beginning of that fight?

00:03:53.000 Yeah, it's a creepy stare.

00:03:54.000 Dude, he just goes quiet.

00:03:56.000 His whole body just goes fucking quiet.

00:03:58.000 Like a predator.

00:03:59.000 Like the way a lion, when it stops really quickly, sees a gazelle.

00:04:03.000 Yeah.

00:04:04.000 Just shoot.

00:04:05.000 And I was like, that dude's so focused, it's ridiculous.

00:04:08.000 Yeah, he's very unusual.

00:04:09.000 Yeah.

00:04:09.000 Very unusual kid.

00:04:11.000 Yeah, he really is.

00:04:12.000 He seems like a really nice guy outside of fighting, super friendly, really easy going, and just mauling motherfuckers.

00:04:19.000 Yeah, he just does what he wants.

00:04:21.000 And at 22, you see, at that age, when you're really young like that, you can get so good so quick.

00:04:26.000 Yeah, I know.

00:04:27.000 With kids that are really focused and really dedicated at those early ages, they make these huge leaps.

00:04:33.000 In like six, eight months, these giant leaps that take a grown man years to hit.

00:04:37.000 They can just really accelerate so quickly.

00:04:40.000 I think that's like, my buddy is writing a book on learning, and he's kind of like just one of these guys who went to Harvard and studied.

00:04:46.000 He speaks literally, he really does speak like seven languages fluently, like really does.

00:04:51.000 Wow.

00:04:51.000 And he has his degree in biomedical engineering and all that.

00:04:54.000 He's kind of a genius.

00:04:55.000 And I said, how do you speak all those languages?

00:04:59.000 He goes, well, it's funny because I'm writing a book about learning.

00:05:01.000 And I said, well, what's your philosophy?

00:05:03.000 He said, well, most of the time with learning, when you have to learn something, you already have a lot of preconceived notions about what you can and can't do.

00:05:11.000 So you usually come to the equation with this notion that I'm good at this, I'm not good at that.

00:05:15.000 Because somebody along the way told you that.

00:05:17.000 So most of what learning is is just getting out of your own way before you can even learn anything.

00:05:23.000 Because you come to it with your own projection, your own sort of scaffolding that you put on it.

00:05:32.000 And so his philosophy is like he just said, I can speak languages.

00:05:36.000 I'm going to get out of my own way.

00:05:37.000 I can speak languages.

00:05:38.000 I'm going to find the system.

00:05:39.000 So it's like Tim Ferriss says, if you want to learn Spanish, you only have to know really 2.5% of the words and you can understand 95% of Spanish.

00:05:47.000 It'll take you five more years to learn 5% of all the Spanish words, but you'll only understand 98% of Spanish.

00:05:54.000 The increment is very small.

00:05:55.000 So there's a system to learning.

00:05:58.000 It's just like when you want to educate yourself.

00:06:00.000 There's a system to it.

00:06:01.000 There's a way to do it.

00:06:03.000 There's a methodology and actually a pattern and a path to follow.

00:06:08.000 And most people spend a lot of time wasting a lot of time with a lot of periphery stuff.

00:06:15.000 Mainly dealing with the fact that they're not good at this.

00:06:18.000 I'm not good at math.

00:06:19.000 I'm not good at languages.

00:06:21.000 I'm not good with money.

00:06:22.000 And what he'll do in his book, his premise, is those are all belief systems that somebody else put on you.

00:06:28.000 That's actually not true.

00:06:29.000 And you can get rid of them if you know how to approach something.

00:06:33.000 So it's pretty wild.

00:06:35.000 So, you know, someone like Rory McDonald probably started so young that this is a language and it's the only language he's ever known.

00:06:42.000 So when you teach him something, he's not in his own way.

00:06:44.000 He's like, well, I'll just incorporate this into my arsenal.

00:06:46.000 That's a real good point because when we used to get guys who came from other styles that would want to learn Taekwondo, there's a difference to the style of kicking and a lot of it incorporated how you lifted up your knees.

00:06:59.000 And they had developed a style of kicking where the knee was down and then the foot was above the knee.

00:07:06.000 And it's a more like leg-centric style of kicking.

00:07:09.000 Whereas the Taekwondo style, the knee is up high, which opens the hips up.

00:07:14.000 And when the hips open up, then there's a turn of the whole body and it's got so much more power to it.

00:07:20.000 But we couldn't teach them how to do it.

00:07:22.000 They all would, especially when sparring, they would just drop their knee and it would be normal stuff and be like, you gotta get your knee up.

00:07:28.000 That's the most important thing.

00:07:29.000 The knee is everything.

00:07:30.000 The knee comes power.

00:07:32.000 A huge part of learning also is exactly what you're saying because like a lot of times, you go to what's comfortable.

00:07:38.000 And because practicing, actually the way to get good at something obviously is to practice what you're not good at and what makes you uncomfortable.

00:07:44.000 It doesn't have to make you uncomfortable.

00:07:46.000 What's making you uncomfortable is the notion that you, is the things that you've put on it.

00:07:50.000 So I'm weak, I'm not good.

00:07:52.000 You see a lot of guys that come into Jiu Jitsu and they only do what they're good with.

00:07:55.000 They don't spend time on their back or they don't spend time whatever.

00:07:58.000 Why?

00:07:59.000 Because they're gonna look vulnerable.

00:08:01.000 But you're defining that process as vulnerable.

00:08:05.000 You can redefine the process.

00:08:06.000 You can decide that it's just you getting better because you're working on where you're soft, right?

00:08:10.000 So it's really, so much of it is your attitude monitors your talent.

00:08:15.000 What you come in with.

00:08:16.000 And actually, a more specific way of saying it is what you don't come in with it.

00:08:22.000 So much of learning is actually not an addition, a process of addition.

00:08:26.000 It's a process of deletion.

00:08:27.000 You're deleting, you know?

00:08:31.000 You're, I think actually, you know, it's funny as you become an adult and you get better at something, you know, certainly for me with stand-up, so much of it is just like letting go of a lot of stuff, like deleting things in my mind that I don't need to be thinking about.

00:08:44.000 I should be thinking about something very positive.

00:08:46.000 So you start learning, oh, I start drifting off into something I'm worried about.

00:08:49.000 I just gently bring my mind back to writing about stand-up.

00:08:53.000 I bring it back to stand-up.

00:08:54.000 I bring it back to writing a joke.

00:08:55.000 I bring it back to I'm thinking about this TV show I'm trying to do.

00:08:58.000 So you can actually get very disciplined and good at redirecting your mind.

00:09:03.000 It's not an active process.

00:09:06.000 You can make it a very passive process.

00:09:08.000 You know, a lot of times when you hear people talk about work, I gotta go to work.

00:09:12.000 I gotta do this work.

00:09:13.000 We put this sort of sacred scaffold, this sacred fence around work.

00:09:18.000 I'm playing and now I'm going to work.

00:09:20.000 It shouldn't be that way.

00:09:21.000 You can completely blur that line.

00:09:23.000 You can completely just decide, well, work is what I do anyway.

00:09:27.000 I'm just going to gently start thinking about what I want to be and what I want to be doing and how to create something.

00:09:35.000 Yeah, the work issues are very, it's a very touchy issue for a lot of people because most people, that's the bane of their existence.

00:09:41.000 Yeah.

00:09:41.000 And with us, it's actually what we love to do.

00:09:44.000 That's a trick pill for a lot of people to swallow.

00:09:47.000 That's really fucking hard.

00:09:48.000 It's really hard.

00:09:49.000 A lot of people don't want to hear that.

00:09:50.000 We associate the idea with work at some point in our life with displeasure.

00:09:58.000 That's right.

00:09:58.000 With uncomfort.

00:09:59.000 You don't want to be there.

00:10:01.000 It's not fun.

00:10:02.000 It's not what you look forward to.

00:10:04.000 Well, because I think the ideal, when you talk about work, the ideal is, and I think anybody who's in a position where they don't like, if you're in a job you hate or whatever, the only way to get out of that job is, people say, well, I'm going to move and I'm going to do this, is actually to come up with another idea.

00:10:21.000 If you can try to come up with a better idea, it'll beat the other idea.

00:10:27.000 So you might be doing something, but the work actually is about imagination.

00:10:31.000 It's about just sitting there and letting it come to you.

00:10:35.000 Figuring out, what is your process?

00:10:37.000 What is your process?

00:10:39.000 Everybody has a different process.

00:10:39.000 I'm listening to music, some people walk.

00:10:41.000 What's the process you have to undertake?

00:10:43.000 To feel, to get yourself into a creative mode where you're coming up with ideas.

00:10:48.000 Whether you're an entrepreneur, whether you're a writer, whether you're a painter, even if you're an athlete.

00:10:53.000 I mean, you know, Rory McDonald, those guys have to constantly, the thing about MMA that I'm noticing is they always have to reinvent.

00:10:59.000 They've got to keep adding to their arsenal.

00:11:01.000 They've got to keep growing.

00:11:01.000 And a lot of that's imagination, man.

00:11:04.000 Right?

00:11:04.000 Isn't it?

00:11:04.000 I mean, a lot of it's imagination.

00:11:06.000 Yeah, that's how it's manifesting itself.

00:11:08.000 Their creativity isn't beating the fuck out of people.

00:11:10.000 What people don't understand is you actually have to be creative in fighting.

00:11:15.000 It's a very creative thing.

00:11:18.000 When you get good at it, a lot of it is figuring out how to hit someone in a way where they can't hit you back.

00:11:26.000 Or where you hit them first, where they're trying to hit you but you get out of the way and then you counter and hit them.

00:11:31.000 And in doing that, you can pick up.

00:11:34.000 Dumb people fight dumb.

00:11:36.000 They waddle forward.

00:11:39.000 First they throw the left and then they throw the right.

00:11:41.000 And all you have to do is keep your wits about you.

00:11:44.000 You see the left coming, you know the right's coming.

00:11:46.000 It's not going to be an uppercut either.

00:11:48.000 It's going to be a big stupid overhand right.

00:11:49.000 And that's the language that they communicate in.

00:11:53.000 When you're creative, you become very scary.

00:11:56.000 A guy like Jon Jones is very frightening to people because he's very creative in his attack.

00:12:01.000 You don't know what he's going to do.

00:12:02.000 He fights Shogun.

00:12:04.000 Shogun's like the best striker he's ever fought.

00:12:05.000 He opens with a flying knee, cracks him in the jaw, and Shogun's never the same.

00:12:09.000 That's right.

00:12:09.000 He fucked him up from the first few seconds of the fight.

00:12:12.000 Well, when he threw Rashad Evans in that flying triangle, he's just like, I'm doing MMA. I just want to see if I can do it.

00:12:20.000 He just pulled guard for no reason.

00:12:22.000 Sakuraba was that way.

00:12:23.000 I remember Sakuraba would show up in a t-shirt that said water, or he'd paint muscles on himself, and he was completely creative, and I think that's the lesson, right?

00:12:31.000 Yeah, you don't know what he's doing.

00:12:32.000 Yeah, but that comes from, if you actually look at most people, and we all do it, A lot of people, especially young people, as they start becoming aware of the world around them, what they'll do is they'll look for something very strong to define themselves as.

00:12:47.000 I'm a fighter.

00:12:49.000 I'm a slacker.

00:12:50.000 I'm a skateboarder.

00:12:51.000 I'm a fucking rebel.

00:12:53.000 I get tattooed.

00:12:53.000 And when you define yourself along really strong lines, I think it becomes very...

00:13:02.000 Character-wise.

00:13:03.000 I'm talking about defining yourself just as a person, as a thing.

00:13:06.000 I am a Republican.

00:13:07.000 Well, I'm a right-wing guy, so I feel as a conservative.

00:13:11.000 Exactly.

00:13:12.000 And what happens when you do that is that it's very hard not to take yourself very seriously in that regard, right?

00:13:18.000 Yeah.

00:13:18.000 And then you don't have room to create because that's what I'm talking about.

00:13:23.000 Those lines are very precious and you don't want to break those lines because then you don't know where to go.

00:13:28.000 Then you're in the danger zone.

00:13:30.000 When you define yourself very strongly like that, it's kind of like a way of Protecting yourself.

00:13:36.000 But I think someone like, what's his name?

00:13:37.000 The Spider.

00:13:39.000 Anderson Silva.

00:13:40.000 He comes up dancing.

00:13:43.000 That's part of his technique.

00:13:44.000 He's very loose.

00:13:45.000 He stays loose.

00:13:46.000 He doesn't take it too seriously.

00:13:48.000 Kind of raises his hands when Cheryl Sonnen is calling him out.

00:13:51.000 Hey Brian, is the image down?

00:13:52.000 Huh?

00:13:53.000 Is the image down on Ustream?

00:13:55.000 Image?

00:13:55.000 No.

00:13:55.000 It's a big black screen.

00:13:59.000 Lately, Ustream's been weird with browsers.

00:14:01.000 A lot of people are saying the sound doesn't work and stuff.

00:14:04.000 I think Chrome mostly.

00:14:07.000 I'm using Safari.

00:14:09.000 What do you use?

00:14:10.000 Oh, okay.

00:14:11.000 I refreshed it.

00:14:12.000 It came back.

00:14:12.000 By the way, people watching this are probably wondering why I'm dressed like a professional athlete.

00:14:16.000 A real professional athlete.

00:14:18.000 Well, I look like a professional soccer player.

00:14:19.000 I look like a European soccer player.

00:14:21.000 Maybe rugby.

00:14:22.000 Maybe rugby.

00:14:23.000 Dude, I've got a thick neck.

00:14:24.000 You can't tell right now because I'm wearing a collar.

00:14:26.000 But I have a beautiful body under this.

00:14:28.000 What was your Showtime special called?

00:14:30.000 It's called Man Class.

00:14:32.000 Man Class?

00:14:32.000 It's called Man Class.

00:14:35.000 And it was ridiculous.

00:14:37.000 I need to come up with a name for mine.

00:14:39.000 I've had very good feedback.

00:14:41.000 Why Man Class?

00:14:43.000 Because I was like, I'm talking about what it is to be a man in 2012. And I was like, I'm just going to fucking teach a man class right now.

00:14:51.000 And I'm obsessed with this problem of masculinity in a fucking world that's so technological.

00:14:56.000 Like, we're still producing testosterone and I know.

00:14:59.000 We're aggressive.

00:15:00.000 All we can do is simulate.

00:15:02.000 I go to the gym.

00:15:03.000 I'm doing fucking kettlebells.

00:15:04.000 Why?

00:15:05.000 What the fuck do I need to swing a kettlebell for?

00:15:09.000 But I got to keep my traps up to fucking...

00:15:11.000 I'm learning how to box with my buddy Kieran Gallagher.

00:15:14.000 In my backyard, he's bringing me through all this stuff.

00:15:17.000 Really, Brian?

00:15:17.000 Well, listen, man.

00:15:18.000 Here's the deal.

00:15:19.000 Somewhere along the line, we got made to feel guilty for being manly.

00:15:23.000 For being men.

00:15:24.000 For liking men's shit.

00:15:26.000 For liking manly things.

00:15:28.000 We got, somehow or another, we became guilty of that.

00:15:31.000 I think women, you gotta let chicks be chicks.

00:15:35.000 You gotta let them wear their crazy heels and their nutty short skirts and the heels that you don't understand, the dresses that don't mean anything to you, but to them it's super important.

00:15:45.000 Yeah.

00:15:45.000 That's all girly shit.

00:15:46.000 If that's what you're into, that's fine.

00:15:48.000 But if you're into manly shit, if you're into man-style things, you're looked down upon.

00:15:54.000 Like, oh, come on.

00:15:55.000 That's what makes me so angry.

00:15:58.000 That's what makes me so angry because, listen, up until very fucking recently, we've had to fight.

00:16:04.000 And hunt for our own food.

00:16:06.000 Think about what kind of aggression it takes to get on a horse or run through the forest and spear a wild animal and then cut its throat with a stone knife or just a regular knife.

00:16:17.000 You smell that animal?

00:16:19.000 I use a stone knife personally.

00:16:21.000 I don't want to brag, but I like to hunt with stone tools.

00:16:24.000 I watched a whole special, I believe it was on the History Channel, where guys made bows and arrows the traditional way and went hunting with it.

00:16:32.000 I just pitched a show to Discovery with my buddy Sam Sheridan, who you know, and we're going to go and find all the masculine pockets in a demasculated America.

00:16:42.000 So we're basically going to find guys in Hawaii who hunt wild boar using traditional Hawaiian, like the ancient hunting tools, like stones, spears, and whatever the fuck it is.

00:16:55.000 And we're going to go find those groups and just kind of like showcase these groups and kind of join them and it could be a funny fucking show.

00:17:01.000 That's hilarious.

00:17:02.000 Yeah.

00:17:02.000 That could be amazing.

00:17:03.000 There's a huge need for men.

00:17:05.000 You know, women have an instinct to preen, right?

00:17:06.000 They just have an instinct to preen.

00:17:07.000 They're like birds.

00:17:08.000 You see them, they got 15 different lip glosses and different creams.

00:17:12.000 They're rubbing their hair.

00:17:12.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

00:17:13.000 Combing it 100 strokes.

00:17:15.000 Right.

00:17:15.000 Guys, you know, my joke about guys, the criteria for guys, the way they dress is they don't want to look like a pussy and they got to be comfortable.

00:17:21.000 That's all it is.

00:17:22.000 I don't like any loose hanging shit, okay?

00:17:25.000 Yeah.

00:17:27.000 And I even think that, you know, I can't prove this, but whenever you see a dude, like I always make this joke, but it's true.

00:17:33.000 If you're in Boston or parts of Long Island or New York and you show up in a cool, you're a guy and you show up in like a really sexy, like hipster outfit and you got like fucking awesome bangles and you got a nose ring, you can get beat up.

00:17:47.000 By just dudes.

00:17:48.000 Just because of the way you fucking look.

00:17:50.000 They're like, I don't like that guy.

00:17:51.000 How come?

00:17:52.000 He's got a fucking nose ring and he's got bangles.

00:17:55.000 I'm going to punch him in the face.

00:17:56.000 And I think it might be because that guy's not part of our hunting party.

00:18:00.000 Because all that fucking jewelry makes a lot of noise.

00:18:02.000 And the fucking animals hear him.

00:18:04.000 And they smell his fucking cologne.

00:18:06.000 And they can smell that too.

00:18:07.000 So I'm going fucking hungry.

00:18:09.000 So you're not my hunting party.

00:18:10.000 So I'm going to beat you up.

00:18:11.000 Because you represent hunger to me.

00:18:13.000 I really think that's part of what we have.

00:18:15.000 That instinct.

00:18:15.000 That's a funny way of thinking about it.

00:18:17.000 I always thought it was just, you know, want some douche coming around dressed like, you know...

00:18:22.000 Stealing my women?

00:18:23.000 Like a pirate, you know?

00:18:26.000 You want some dude who thinks he's Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean and he's walking down your street wearing mascara talking to girls.

00:18:32.000 Like, what are you doing, dude?

00:18:33.000 Dude, I fucking...

00:18:34.000 I live in Venice, okay?

00:18:35.000 I see dudes with hoop earrings and they're straight.

00:18:38.000 If you're gay, it's fine.

00:18:39.000 You get away with a lot.

00:18:40.000 But I see guys just show up with like a...

00:18:41.000 I saw a guy with a leather, like...

00:18:43.000 Like a leather holster.

00:18:44.000 When you say hoop earrings, how big are these hoops?

00:18:46.000 They were very big.

00:18:48.000 They were very fucking big, okay?

00:18:50.000 Is that the new thing?

00:18:51.000 Dudes are trying to wear big Diana Ross in the 70s earrings?

00:18:54.000 He had a mane of thick hair that he tied with this awesome bow.

00:18:58.000 Part of it was I was just jealous of the fact that he has great hair.

00:19:00.000 But he looked like a fucking pirate.

00:19:03.000 He had his jeans rolled up just so with these awesome boots.

00:19:08.000 I was like, where can I vote for you, dude?

00:19:10.000 Joe, did you have both ears pierced?

00:19:12.000 No, just the left.

00:19:13.000 I had two piercings.

00:19:14.000 I had a lower one and then a diamond.

00:19:17.000 And by lower one, he means his dick, ladies and gentlemen.

00:19:20.000 And then I tried to rock two hoops at the same time, but I was like, what is that about?

00:19:25.000 You can't do that.

00:19:25.000 You're too tough looking.

00:19:26.000 And then I tried to rock two studs at the same time, and I'm like, oh, this is so stupid.

00:19:30.000 So then I went to one tiny little hoop earring, I think somewhere around news radio.

00:19:35.000 And then jujitsu, just constantly taking it out to roll.

00:19:39.000 I'm just like, this is stupid.

00:19:40.000 It's how you get staffed, by the way.

00:19:41.000 Have you tried to put one in recently?

00:19:43.000 I just tried it the other day, and it went right in.

00:19:45.000 I'm like, oh, shit.

00:19:46.000 Really?

00:19:46.000 I'm hearing both pierce, though.

00:19:48.000 Did you think about doing it?

00:19:49.000 I did it for a day, as a joke.

00:19:52.000 My dad was an Irish kind of marine, just kind of a rough dude who grew up on a farm.

00:19:59.000 If I showed up with a hat...

00:20:01.000 Or like just something cool at dinner.

00:20:03.000 He'd just do shit like this.

00:20:04.000 He was just this big fucking dude and he'd go...

00:20:07.000 Why are you wearing that hat?

00:20:08.000 That's all you have to ask me.

00:20:10.000 One time I had a goatee.

00:20:11.000 I grew a mustache, a little awesome soul patch on my chin, and I was going to Italy, and I spent way too much on clothes because I was going to be Italian.

00:20:20.000 And my father...

00:20:22.000 I was like 28. My father looks at me and he goes like this.

00:20:25.000 He goes, what's going on with your face?

00:20:28.000 And I go, oh, no, I just thought I'd grow a mustache and a little goatee, you know?

00:20:32.000 And he goes...

00:20:33.000 Yeah.

00:20:34.000 How long are you going to wear that for around me?

00:20:37.000 I go, you don't like it?

00:20:39.000 He goes, it's not you.

00:20:41.000 It's not you.

00:20:42.000 There is something weird about when you go really try hard to change your image.

00:20:46.000 But it's one of those things where it's really kind of dependent upon...

00:20:51.000 How transparent are your intentions?

00:20:53.000 Or are you just one of those dudes that really can just pull that shit off like Joey Diaz could he could pull off anything he wanted if he really believed in it was 100% behind it.

00:21:02.000 Joey Diaz could start wearing jumpsuits.

00:21:04.000 Yeah, I'm bringing back jumpsuits and fanny packs like if you had a backpack everywhere of Joey Diaz just all sudden started wearing like running suits with a backpack.

00:21:13.000 We would go.

00:21:14.000 All right, I guess that's how he's doing it now.

00:21:16.000 Dude, I've never been able to...

00:21:18.000 That's the other reason is I just don't know how to do it.

00:21:21.000 I'm really bad with putting clothing together.

00:21:23.000 I don't have any creativity.

00:21:24.000 When I shot my special, I went to see this stylist, and the dude shows up, and he's got me in a hat.

00:21:31.000 I have a hat, a fucking necklace, and a blazer.

00:21:35.000 And by the way, I looked outstanding!

00:21:39.000 I look fucking outstanding.

00:21:40.000 I was like, I'm the best looking guy in America.

00:21:43.000 I was like, this is great.

00:21:44.000 Problem is, I don't know how to wear a hat or jewelry or a fucking blazer.

00:21:48.000 It's too hot.

00:21:49.000 It feels too constrictive.

00:21:50.000 And I'm doing it for the wrong reasons.

00:21:52.000 I'm doing it because I'd be very aware of the fact that I looked awesome.

00:21:56.000 Or at least I'd act that way.

00:21:57.000 And I just can't do it.

00:21:58.000 You know, it just doesn't work.

00:22:00.000 Well, being a comedian, too, you can only be so ridiculous.

00:22:03.000 Oh, dude.

00:22:04.000 I know.

00:22:05.000 You know, you can only, like, try.

00:22:07.000 So, like, who wants to watch a comedian go on stage dressed like he's trying to get laid?

00:22:11.000 Who wants to watch a comedian with, like, skin-tight shirts with a button-up?

00:22:15.000 What are those things called?

00:22:16.000 The button-up?

00:22:17.000 The thermals or whatever?

00:22:18.000 No.

00:22:19.000 But you know that style.

00:22:20.000 There's like a style to it.

00:22:21.000 You can't be too...

00:22:23.000 All sexy and tight and then pants that already have rips in them.

00:22:27.000 If you're Russell Brandt, you can do that.

00:22:28.000 But I don't really...

00:22:29.000 Again, I'm not as good looking as Russell Brandt.

00:22:31.000 I saw that the other day where the guy had his hair done up like 90210. Like the slick poof in the top front.

00:22:38.000 And he had the white shirt that kind of was cut too low.

00:22:41.000 And then he had a little shell necklace thing going on there.

00:22:43.000 And he was doing jokes about how everyone...

00:22:46.000 Everyone confuses me with Dylan from 902. He actually brought up the way he looked.

00:22:53.000 Was this like an open mic night?

00:22:54.000 No, this was a show, just a regular show.

00:22:57.000 Dove Davidoff tells us this real joke, which is based on a true story, where a guy got out of a BMW when he first got to LA. And Dove grew up in a junkyard in Jersey.

00:23:04.000 So the guy fucking gets out of a BMW and he's wearing kind of a cape.

00:23:08.000 Like a cape.

00:23:09.000 Kind of like a long...

00:23:10.000 It's not even a duster, it's a cape.

00:23:12.000 And the guy goes, hey, you know what time it is?

00:23:14.000 And Dove's like...

00:23:15.000 You're just going to ask me what time it is?

00:23:16.000 Like, you're not wearing a fucking cape?

00:23:18.000 It's time to take the fucking cape off, jerk off!

00:23:21.000 What the fuck are you doing?

00:23:22.000 I'll punch you in the face right now and I don't even know you!

00:23:25.000 It's so hilarious, you know?

00:23:27.000 Have you seen that thing that Robert Kelly wears?

00:23:29.000 He talks about it once in a while in Opie and Anthony, and it's like a...

00:23:33.000 I can't remember the name of it, but it's like a fanny pack that instead of having it around your crotch, it's like this thing that goes from the left side to the right side like a seat belt.

00:23:42.000 Only Robert Kelly can get away with that.

00:23:44.000 I love Robert.

00:23:44.000 It's a man purse.

00:23:45.000 Robert could get away with it though.

00:23:47.000 It's a man purse.

00:23:48.000 As you get older and you're not trying to get laid, you start saying things like, what the fuck?

00:23:53.000 Why don't I just have a purse?

00:23:56.000 You start saying shit like, sometimes I have cargo shorts on.

00:24:00.000 You know why?

00:24:01.000 Because I have a lot of shit.

00:24:02.000 I got my keys.

00:24:03.000 I got some money.

00:24:04.000 I got some gum.

00:24:06.000 The other day I was in my car singing at the top of my lungs and these girls pulled up and usually I would have been like, I'm a fucking idiot.

00:24:12.000 Nah, I was like...

00:24:13.000 I was singing as loud as I could.

00:24:15.000 What is the song you're singing?

00:24:17.000 I was singing a new song by Springsteen called Death to Our Hometown.

00:24:20.000 Whoa, you just went deep.

00:24:22.000 I sure did, guys.

00:24:23.000 You told me you had some sort of religious experience at a Springsteen show?

00:24:26.000 I had, and I'm not joking.

00:24:28.000 I went and saw him.

00:24:29.000 He's 62. I've seen Springsteen, let's call it, because I'm on the podcast and I want to exaggerate 30 times.

00:24:34.000 It's probably closer to 15. And he's 62 and, well, he's never been better.

00:24:42.000 He's writing songs on a level that he's just as good as anything he's ever done.

00:24:47.000 And, you know, everybody else, the Rolling Stones, you see, it's a revival tour.

00:24:50.000 They're just singing the San Diego Eagles.

00:24:51.000 This guy's still producing on a level that he was producing at when he was 24 years old.

00:24:56.000 It's amazing.

00:24:56.000 He's more than amazing because he literally...

00:24:59.000 I was watching him and I was literally having...

00:25:04.000 This is going to sound really cheesy, but I'm a huge fan of his.

00:25:07.000 I became an actor because of him.

00:25:08.000 I became a stand-up because of him.

00:25:10.000 I listened to his songs because there was something in his voice.

00:25:12.000 But for me, it was literally so overwhelming because he's so timeless.

00:25:16.000 He's aligned with something, the dude.

00:25:18.000 And it's because what motivates him is way more than his own appetites and what he wants to do.

00:25:24.000 What motivates him is...

00:25:26.000 Something much bigger than himself.

00:25:27.000 And I don't know what that is, but you can feel it.

00:25:30.000 It's probably the love of all those people.

00:25:31.000 He's got such a fanatical crowd.

00:25:33.000 Oh, but it's also about saying something, man.

00:25:36.000 Yeah, but the love of all those people that are responding to what he's saying.

00:25:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:25:39.000 The intense connection that Springsteen has to his fans.

00:25:43.000 It's because of, you know, like, it's like Born to Run.

00:25:47.000 There's songs that like people just, you hear that and that's like, that's a slice of history.

00:25:53.000 Go read the lyrics of Greetings from Asbury Park and Darkness on the Edge of Town.

00:26:00.000 Because what he was doing there was literally like, he kind of almost invented a language that changed a lot of like the artistic landscape in New York at least.

00:26:09.000 You know, Sam Shepard was writing plays based on that album, man.

00:26:13.000 No one has ever got rid of a chick that was a problem in his life and wrote a better song about it than Springsteen did.

00:26:20.000 She's the one?

00:26:21.000 She's the one?

00:26:22.000 You ever hear that?

00:26:22.000 I don't know that one, but I know Brilliant Disguise.

00:26:25.000 I remember hearing that because I was like early 20s when I heard that.

00:26:30.000 And I was, you know, always in terrible relationships.

00:26:34.000 Always chaos.

00:26:35.000 Some of them just didn't work out because of you.

00:26:38.000 Some of them was because of her.

00:26:40.000 But...

00:26:41.000 You knew enough crazy people in your life at a certain point to realize that you could get fucked in a relationship.

00:26:46.000 And when I saw that Bruce Springsteen got fucked, and then I realized, I was like, oh, see what happened?

00:26:51.000 She was really hot, so she pretended to be something, and then he got close to her, and he got to know her, and she was kind of a cunt.

00:26:57.000 Right, right.

00:26:57.000 Go listen to Jungle Land, She's the One.

00:27:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:02.000 Oh, I know that song.

00:27:03.000 Oh, fuck, man.

00:27:04.000 And Backstreet's?

00:27:05.000 Yeah.

00:27:06.000 Backstreet's is about this...

00:27:07.000 And by the way, the brilliant disguise is like 15 years later.

00:27:11.000 Oh, my God.

00:27:13.000 Not only is he prolific like that, he's given songs away to people like the Pointer Sisters and Patti Smith, and that was their biggest hit.

00:27:20.000 Because there's a documentary called The Promise where he'd been...

00:27:24.000 Born in Rome was the biggest album in the country and he was on the cover of Newsweek and Time Magazine.

00:27:29.000 He was 24 years old.

00:27:30.000 And then he went to write The Promise.

00:27:32.000 I'm sorry, he went to write Darkness on the Edge of Town.

00:27:36.000 And they wanted him to write more of the stuff from Born to Run.

00:27:40.000 That's what his fans want.

00:27:41.000 And not only that, he was writing hit songs and giving them away.

00:27:45.000 And Steve Van Zandt was like, writing hit songs is so fucking hard and he's giving them away.

00:27:49.000 And he comes into the studio and he goes, well, let's see what we're going to throw away today.

00:27:53.000 And you see Steve Van Zandt go, please don't throw that song away.

00:27:56.000 Please don't.

00:27:56.000 It's so perfect.

00:27:56.000 Please.

00:27:57.000 And he's like, it doesn't fit in the album.

00:27:58.000 It just doesn't fit in the album.

00:27:59.000 And he was so uncompromising.

00:28:01.000 They said, what drove you?

00:28:02.000 He said, I want it to be great.

00:28:04.000 Because I knew I had it inside me.

00:28:05.000 And I wanted to be great.

00:28:07.000 And I wanted to do something that nobody else...

00:28:09.000 I just didn't want to do anything derivative.

00:28:11.000 And I talked to him for an hour and a half about songwriting, which is kind of exciting.

00:28:16.000 Where was this?

00:28:16.000 I went backstage a long time ago with Jeremy Piven.

00:28:19.000 And I literally talked to him about stand-up and about writing songs for an hour and a half.

00:28:24.000 It was just me, him, Jeremy, his wife, and my buddy Anthony Tambakis.

00:28:28.000 Wow.

00:28:28.000 Who's going to be my next guest in the Brian Callen show.

00:28:31.000 Anthony Tambakis?

00:28:32.000 Yeah, he wrote Warrior.

00:28:35.000 Warrior was a good movie.

00:28:37.000 That movie did not get nearly enough respect.

00:28:39.000 It really did.

00:28:39.000 I was surprised.

00:28:41.000 My wife loved it.

00:28:42.000 It's a great movie.

00:28:43.000 It's a good movie.

00:28:44.000 The only unrealistic thing is that they fought two days in a row.

00:28:48.000 They didn't have to do that.

00:28:49.000 Right.

00:28:49.000 That could have been worked out.

00:28:50.000 Well, because Anthony and Gavin, who's the director, and they wrote it, they don't know a lot about fighting.

00:28:56.000 That's all.

00:28:56.000 They were more concerned with the story, you know?

00:28:58.000 Yeah.

00:28:58.000 But it was still good.

00:29:00.000 Yeah.

00:29:00.000 It was still good.

00:29:01.000 Even though that was kind of nonsensical, it's a very good movie.

00:29:05.000 It's a great movie.

00:29:05.000 God damn, Nick Nolte's a motherfucker.

00:29:07.000 Oh, my God!

00:29:08.000 He's a motherfucker.

00:29:09.000 That dude just showed up and just did that and did that take 50 times.

00:29:12.000 Like, literally, there's like, what else do you want, guys?

00:29:14.000 Oh, my God.

00:29:15.000 If people don't know what we're talking about, there's a breakdown scene.

00:29:18.000 Nick Nolte's a recovering alcoholic.

00:29:19.000 He was a terrible father.

00:29:21.000 He basically gave birth to these two savages that meet in the finals of this MMA tournament, which, by the way, is a very accurate statement for many fighters.

00:29:32.000 There's a lot of fighters that grew up...

00:29:33.000 Broken homes.

00:29:34.000 Fucked up households.

00:29:35.000 You know, a lot of fighters grew up, you know, in dire straits as youngsters from some asshole father.

00:29:42.000 And a lot of those asshole fathers even wind up teaching those kids at first, just like his dad did in this movie.

00:29:48.000 So it was really accurate.

00:29:50.000 Like, the way they did it, it didn't seem fake.

00:29:53.000 The interactions, like, what was that dude's name?

00:29:55.000 Tom?

00:29:55.000 Tom Hardy.

00:29:56.000 Tom Hardy.

00:29:56.000 What a bad motherfucker he is.

00:29:57.000 And he's English, too.

00:29:58.000 He's from England.

00:29:59.000 But his interactions with the father, it was so realistic.

00:30:02.000 It was so believable.

00:30:04.000 Well, Anthony had a very...

00:30:06.000 He doesn't talk to his dad.

00:30:07.000 He had a very, very tough childhood with his father.

00:30:10.000 His father was not...

00:30:11.000 This is the guy who wrote it.

00:30:12.000 Yeah.

00:30:12.000 So, you know, there's a lot of personal shit in there.

00:30:15.000 Anthony, what's his last name again?

00:30:15.000 Tambacis.

00:30:16.000 Tambacis.

00:30:16.000 We just did a podcast, and it was so much fun to talk to him about art and about what's important, and he's just one of those fucking guys who really...

00:30:23.000 I'll tell you what, he nailed that movie, because that's a tired genre.

00:30:27.000 It's the martial arts champion, the good guy's gonna rise above and do it for his kids.

00:30:33.000 It's a tired genre, and he really connected, and it was really good.

00:30:38.000 It sucked, man.

00:30:39.000 I was really bummed out that movie didn't get nearly as much attention as it deserved.

00:30:43.000 Is it out yet on DVD or anything?

00:30:45.000 I think it is.

00:30:46.000 For a while, it was the number one DVD in the country.

00:30:48.000 It's a good fucking movie, man.

00:30:49.000 Like I said, the only thing that bothered me is the non-realism.

00:30:53.000 If you tried to fight two days in a row, your whole face would be swollen.

00:30:57.000 You wouldn't be able to close your hands.

00:30:59.000 You can't do it.

00:31:00.000 You can't fight two days in a row.

00:31:01.000 It's too hard.

00:31:02.000 It's hard to fight more than once in a day.

00:31:04.000 I've done it.

00:31:04.000 The last kickboxing tournament, I fought three times in one day.

00:31:07.000 It's stupid.

00:31:08.000 It happens all the time in Taekwondo and wrestling.

00:31:11.000 We used to wrestle more than...

00:31:13.000 If you went to a tournament, sometimes it was two days long or even it was one day long.

00:31:18.000 A lot of times you wrestle at least three times.

00:31:20.000 Yeah, totally.

00:31:20.000 Sometimes four times.

00:31:21.000 The only problem is there's no head contact in wrestling.

00:31:23.000 And the head contact in kickboxing and in MMA, that's why you can't do it two days in a row.

00:31:29.000 You just can't.

00:31:30.000 No way.

00:31:31.000 You know, you get rocked the first day.

00:31:33.000 The next day, you need fucking rest, man.

00:31:35.000 You can't be getting punched in the face again.

00:31:36.000 It's actually really dangerous, too.

00:31:38.000 Sure.

00:31:38.000 If you have a mild concussion, you get hit again.

00:31:39.000 A lot of guys get concussed and still win.

00:31:41.000 It happens all the time.

00:31:42.000 They get concussed and make it to the final round and the final round ends and they go back to sit on the corner and the corner will tell them the fight's over.

00:31:51.000 It happened recently with Alex Caceres.

00:31:53.000 He got head kicked.

00:31:54.000 I believe it was in the second round.

00:31:55.000 He got head kicked and at the end of the third round he couldn't believe the fight was over.

00:31:59.000 He's like, what are you talking about?

00:32:00.000 The fight just started.

00:32:01.000 They go, no, it's over.

00:32:02.000 He goes like, come on, man.

00:32:03.000 You guys are playing with me.

00:32:04.000 Did he win?

00:32:05.000 No, he did not.

00:32:06.000 I believe he lost the decision.

00:32:08.000 It was a really close fight.

00:32:09.000 It was a crazy fight.

00:32:10.000 And he actually came back from getting head kicked and was doing really well.

00:32:14.000 It was really amazing.

00:32:16.000 He just got hit with a really hard shot, and that's just part of the game.

00:32:19.000 The human head is...

00:32:21.000 What's it doing to you that you're ringside for all that violence?

00:32:25.000 I'm really numb to it.

00:32:26.000 It's really strange.

00:32:27.000 I've seen street fights up close and personal.

00:32:31.000 I've seen shit go down right in front of me.

00:32:33.000 My heart doesn't even skip a beat.

00:32:35.000 It's like everything's moving in slow motion.

00:32:36.000 It's real weird.

00:32:38.000 I've gotten so used to watching people beat the fuck out of each other.

00:32:43.000 On a high level.

00:32:43.000 The highest level.

00:32:44.000 The highest level in the world.

00:32:45.000 From feet away.

00:32:47.000 And then calling it.

00:32:49.000 It's an honor to do, really.

00:32:52.000 I really say that, and people say it almost sounds kind of like a false statement when you say it's an honor, but it's one of those things where the word honor doesn't get used It gets judiciously kind of tossed out.

00:33:05.000 It's actually used...

00:33:06.000 I don't think it's used enough...

00:33:08.000 Honor is something...

00:33:09.000 When a man talks about honor, it's like, oh, you're old-fashioned and stuff.

00:33:12.000 But honor is very important.

00:33:14.000 It's a very important word.

00:33:15.000 It's very important.

00:33:15.000 And a sacred word.

00:33:16.000 It's very important.

00:33:17.000 That's why...

00:33:18.000 If I'm doing any sort of commentary on it, I feel like I have this massive obligation to say exactly what I think is going on.

00:33:29.000 Why I think this guy is getting hit with this sort of shot.

00:33:33.000 Why he's moving in certain directions.

00:33:34.000 And it gets to the point sometimes where fighters will think that I'm being disrespectful.

00:33:39.000 Well, I don't know if that's true because I've never seen...

00:33:41.000 I've had conversations with dudes.

00:33:42.000 And I've got to tell them, I'm just critical.

00:33:45.000 If I can see it, it's there.

00:33:46.000 If I can see a hole, it's there.

00:33:48.000 It doesn't mean you can't win with that hole.

00:33:49.000 But if I see a hole, it's there.

00:33:50.000 And if you get mad at me because I'm pointing out a hole in your game, that's silly.

00:33:55.000 I'm not criticizing you.

00:33:56.000 I'm looking at the whole thing as a mathematical proposition.

00:34:00.000 And I'm saying, here's an entry.

00:34:01.000 Here's an entryway, and here's the issue with this one particular attack.

00:34:06.000 You've always had enormous respect for fighters, and one of the things I think that you're so good at, and a lot of people have said this, is you take yourself completely out of the equation.

00:34:14.000 That's a very hard thing to balance, actually, because when you're calling a fight, and you have to be...

00:34:18.000 You have to call...

00:34:20.000 You know fighting.

00:34:21.000 You've been watching it for many years now, and you've been doing it.

00:34:25.000 You do see where there's a hole, and so the balancing act is calling that, but not...

00:34:31.000 Not saying, well, I would have done something different.

00:34:34.000 You're always very careful about that, you know?

00:34:36.000 That's the grossest thing that anybody ever does when they do commentary.

00:34:39.000 Oh, if that was me, I would go in there and hit him with a left-right and just put him away.

00:34:42.000 You got no idea.

00:34:42.000 You got no idea what it's like, you know?

00:34:44.000 It's gross when I hear commentators.

00:34:46.000 It doesn't happen very often with MMA commentators, but with these prognosticator-type characters that make predictions on fights, I don't think he's going to be able to handle...

00:34:54.000 And they'll use, like, numbers.

00:34:55.000 Like, I don't think he's going to be able to handle a 2-3.

00:34:58.000 You know, when he shoots the double and can't handle that 2-3.

00:35:00.000 Yeah.

00:35:01.000 Yeah.

00:35:01.000 That kind of bananas, like, you're going to predict the future talk?

00:35:06.000 Like, stop.

00:35:06.000 I'll tell you something.

00:35:07.000 I had an experience, though.

00:35:08.000 My buddy Kieran Gallagher, who's a stuntman, but a lot of guys who are real MMA guys know who he is because he came out of University of Arizona, Arizona State, I think, and was high-level, like, black belt in jiu-jitsu from Higa Machado's and was a pro boxer.

00:35:23.000 By the time he was in college, he had 24 pro fights as a boxer.

00:35:25.000 Yeah.

00:35:26.000 And really knows his stuff, and he's been teaching me.

00:35:28.000 He's got all kinds of crazy tricks.

00:35:30.000 I watched the last fights with him.

00:35:32.000 I was with him, and I was with a group of people.

00:35:34.000 I got witnesses, like Will Sasso there and stuff.

00:35:36.000 The dude not only called every fight, but he told me what was going to happen before they would do it.

00:35:42.000 Like, oh, here comes a single leg.

00:35:43.000 It was so amazing.

00:35:45.000 And I said, dude, Kieran, you called every single fight, and not only that, you told me what was happening before.

00:35:50.000 He goes, I've been doing that for 10 years.

00:35:52.000 But he knows the game that well, but you'd never know it.

00:35:54.000 He's just a stuntman now.

00:35:56.000 Damn, he should probably do commentary for somebody.

00:35:59.000 Dude, that's not his personality.

00:36:01.000 He's not going to do that.

00:36:02.000 Yeah, but if you know the guy, why don't you hook him up with somebody?

00:36:06.000 Hook him up with shark fights or something.

00:36:08.000 Maybe the guy would wind up being an awesome commentator.

00:36:11.000 He's uncanny.

00:36:12.000 He's one of those guys who's really intelligent.

00:36:14.000 He's a stuntman.

00:36:15.000 I know he's a high-level fighter.

00:36:16.000 Why don't you talk him into Dude, he's also read every book.

00:36:19.000 I started mentioning books with Anthony, who's a writer who wrote a novel.

00:36:22.000 He starts mentioning everybody from Charles Bukowski to Kerouac to fucking Norman Mailer.

00:36:27.000 He's read them all!

00:36:28.000 He's read more than I have.

00:36:29.000 I go, what the f- I go, have you read all these books?

00:36:32.000 He goes, I read everything, dude.

00:36:33.000 I mentioned an obscure book called Extreme Fear that Sam Sheridan recommended that I'm reading now.

00:36:38.000 Fascinating.

00:36:38.000 He goes, yeah, I read it.

00:36:40.000 What?

00:36:40.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

00:36:42.000 And he starts giving me a critique about it.

00:36:43.000 I was like, you know.

00:36:44.000 Stuntman has a lot of free time, I think.

00:36:45.000 He's got a lot of free time?

00:36:46.000 Sometimes.

00:36:47.000 But he's also a really special, smart guy.

00:36:49.000 Like, he's a genuine friend.

00:36:51.000 Like, he's just a really, really smart guy.

00:36:53.000 But I mean, when you're on a set, there's a lot of times, especially, I don't know if the Fear Factor set was indicative of how it would be in a movie, like stunt guys in a movie set, but there's a lot of downtime.

00:37:03.000 There's a lot of times where they're setting things up.

00:37:06.000 He's also one of the few stuntmen who was really actually a professional fighter and still rolls with Olympians and still fucking has an MMA gym.

00:37:15.000 Why don't you talk this guy into doing commentary, man?

00:37:18.000 It seems like, look, a lot of people probably don't think that it could be possible.

00:37:22.000 That's why they don't want to do it.

00:37:23.000 They don't think that it could be real.

00:37:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:37:25.000 They don't even think about it.

00:37:26.000 It doesn't even pop in their head.

00:37:27.000 But if the guy knows that much, is he entertaining to talk to?

00:37:30.000 Yeah, he's really, really smart.

00:37:32.000 Sounds like he's perfect.

00:37:33.000 Somebody hire him.

00:37:34.000 He's probably better than me.

00:37:36.000 Nobody's better than you.

00:37:37.000 Nobody's better than you, my friend.

00:37:39.000 That's not true.

00:37:39.000 That's ridiculous.

00:37:40.000 I don't know anybody who's better than you.

00:37:41.000 And I think Mike Goldberg's unbelievable, too.

00:37:43.000 He's great.

00:37:44.000 I think he's unbelievable.

00:37:45.000 He's a great dude, too.

00:37:45.000 You guys are the perfect fucking combination.

00:37:47.000 Well, Goldberg's a good dude.

00:37:49.000 One of the good things about working with him, I enjoy that guy.

00:37:52.000 I enjoy his company.

00:37:53.000 Yeah, you told me that before.

00:37:54.000 He's a nice guy, man.

00:37:55.000 He's a sweetheart of a guy.

00:37:57.000 He's always nice.

00:37:58.000 He's always hugging everybody and always friendly.

00:38:00.000 He's a sweet, positive guy.

00:38:02.000 So I like being around him.

00:38:04.000 And he's fucking good.

00:38:05.000 He's a great play-by-play guy, man.

00:38:07.000 He's smooth as fuck.

00:38:09.000 He knows how to keep the whole machine.

00:38:10.000 He's poetic.

00:38:11.000 He's really poetic.

00:38:12.000 People critique him, they criticize him, but you're criticizing one or two weird things that he might have said while we're free-balling for fucking hours at a time, six hours at a time, several times a month.

00:38:26.000 You've got to realize, look, man, you're going to find some stupid shit that everybody says if you look at it for that long.

00:38:31.000 Speaking of free-balling, I just did the Adam Carolla podcast.

00:38:34.000 He's so unbelievable at coming up with like one premise and just being fucking hilarious.

00:38:39.000 When he was on the podcast, I credited you as to saying that he's like the best guy at improvisation.

00:38:46.000 I've never seen anything like it.

00:38:47.000 Coming up with like a whole rant on a set, like the best rant guy.

00:38:51.000 And like real bits.

00:38:52.000 Yeah, they become bits.

00:38:54.000 I said, do you ever do stand-up?

00:38:56.000 He goes, nah.

00:38:56.000 I go, you have five hours of fucking material.

00:38:59.000 He's doing stand-up now.

00:39:00.000 I don't know.

00:39:01.000 He does the podcast, which is stand-up in front of an audience.

00:39:04.000 No, he's doing stand-up.

00:39:06.000 Yeah, he was doing regular stand-up.

00:39:09.000 He did a show at the Irvine Improv.

00:39:14.000 I did one of his live podcasts, which I liked, but I don't like as much.

00:39:20.000 Because it's a completely different thing.

00:39:22.000 Well, they're looking to be funny.

00:39:24.000 They're looking to be silly.

00:39:26.000 Well, I felt like, it's not even that.

00:39:27.000 I felt like, why am I even talking?

00:39:28.000 I should be doing stand-up right now.

00:39:30.000 I shouldn't be sitting here talking.

00:39:32.000 There's 300 people that want to laugh their ass off.

00:39:34.000 I can do that.

00:39:34.000 I can get you to laugh, but let's just do stand-up, you know?

00:39:37.000 But I didn't want them putting my stand-up on the internet, because it was like, this is all stuff that I was going to put in my next album.

00:39:43.000 I was like, you can't just put that on your podcast.

00:39:45.000 That's like Byron Allen.

00:39:47.000 You ever see that show he did called...

00:39:49.000 Comics Sit Down?

00:39:51.000 Comics Unleashed?

00:39:52.000 Meanwhile, I get there...

00:39:53.000 Comics Unleashed!

00:39:54.000 I get there and I go, wait a minute, you want me to do...

00:39:56.000 You're paying me 150 bucks or whatever it is to do...

00:39:59.000 Your act.

00:40:00.000 My act!

00:40:00.000 20 minutes of my act?

00:40:01.000 Nah!

00:40:02.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

00:40:03.000 I'm not doing that.

00:40:04.000 And they could fucking probably sell it in syndication.

00:40:08.000 Oh, sure.

00:40:09.000 They own it, right?

00:40:10.000 He'll be like, hey, what's up with your hair?

00:40:12.000 He prompts you.

00:40:13.000 And then you go into your bit.

00:40:14.000 I'm watching guys give up 20 minutes.

00:40:17.000 It took them like fucking three years.

00:40:19.000 I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind?

00:40:21.000 Well, the worst is there's some shows, I'm sure, where they own that material now, and you're not allowed to repeat that material.

00:40:29.000 You know, if you do it, I'm sure there's contracts that, I don't know what shows they would do.

00:40:33.000 Well, actually, though, my thing on Showtime, they had some stipulation, but I was able to do stuff on, I just did Comedy Central's mashup, where I have to rear up on a horse, by the way.

00:40:44.000 Did I mention that?

00:40:45.000 Whoa.

00:40:45.000 Yeah, I'll be...

00:40:46.000 I believe they're going to take my stand-up bit where I rescue a bunch of women on horseback and they're surrounded by wolves.

00:40:52.000 It's called the Wolf Whisper.

00:40:53.000 Thank you.

00:40:54.000 Yeah, I talk about really heavy shit with my stand-up.

00:40:56.000 But...

00:40:56.000 How come your stand-up is so fucking silly and you're such a...

00:41:01.000 When I talk to you, you're such an intense and serious guy.

00:41:03.000 I don't know, dude.

00:41:04.000 Because yesterday I just did a fucking whole stand-up.

00:41:07.000 I did 20 minutes on Saving a Whale.

00:41:09.000 And they...

00:41:10.000 And they were fucking dying, and I love the bit!

00:41:13.000 It's so funny.

00:41:14.000 So what's wrong with it?

00:41:15.000 You say that, like, reluctantly.

00:41:17.000 Nothing, I don't know.

00:41:18.000 I just can't help it.

00:41:19.000 I start thinking...

00:41:19.000 Because it's silly.

00:41:20.000 I guess.

00:41:21.000 I just...

00:41:21.000 I guess I just...

00:41:22.000 I start laughing at the idea of saving a fucking whale.

00:41:25.000 And then I didn't save it, and I had to sit on its blowhole and kill it.

00:41:28.000 And then...

00:41:30.000 No, because I didn't want it to die of dryness, so I had to sit on this blowhole.

00:41:34.000 Anyway, but it was fucking retarded, but they loved it.

00:41:37.000 I don't know, dude.

00:41:38.000 Now my next hour that I'm working on is a little bit different.

00:41:42.000 I'm dealing with larger motifs.

00:41:44.000 Listen, larger motifs?

00:41:45.000 You've been living in Venice too long, son.

00:41:47.000 We need to get you the fuck out here to San Gabriel Valley.

00:41:49.000 Did you hear that, Brian?

00:41:51.000 What the fuck did he just say?

00:41:52.000 Larger motifs.

00:41:53.000 Did you understand that at all?

00:41:54.000 If someone said that in front of you, would you get disgusted?

00:41:57.000 Guys, sorry, I'm very educated.

00:41:59.000 I'm highly educated.

00:42:00.000 Highly educated, sophisticated, zip-up boots.

00:42:03.000 Can't help myself.

00:42:04.000 I've got it all.

00:42:04.000 Guys, I'm a reader.

00:42:06.000 It is weird seeing you hang out with different people, though, because it seems like certain people you act different, you know, like you're more sillier when you're with Delia.

00:42:12.000 You mean I'm a chameleon?

00:42:14.000 Yeah.

00:42:14.000 You mean like my sister who calls me the chameleon?

00:42:17.000 You know what my buddy Anthony Tambacca said about me?

00:42:20.000 He goes, you know, if Brian takes a walk with seven Cherokees, you know what comes back?

00:42:26.000 Eight Cherokees.

00:42:27.000 I was like, ah, fuck.

00:42:29.000 Shut up.

00:42:30.000 It's true though.

00:42:31.000 I had to be that way as a kid.

00:42:32.000 I had to blend in.

00:42:33.000 I moved every two fucking years.

00:42:35.000 But you're also very unique.

00:42:36.000 I mean, it's not like, you know, you're very unique.

00:42:38.000 Well, I appreciate it.

00:42:39.000 I try to be.

00:42:40.000 Oh, you certainly are.

00:42:41.000 Not like short bus unique either.

00:42:43.000 Yeah, you're a unique dude.

00:42:45.000 But yeah, you and I always wind up with caveman conversations.

00:42:49.000 You and I always go fucking right to the bottom of the man's soul.

00:42:53.000 It's what we think about.

00:42:54.000 Violence and sexuality and, you know, all this fucking society's an illusion.

00:42:59.000 And what happens when it crumbles down, that fucking guy's going to fall apart.

00:43:02.000 But that's what...

00:43:03.000 You and I have always had this friendship where, like...

00:43:06.000 Where no matter what, if we're lying to each other, if we just don't want to deal with the truth right now, we'll just start saying something.

00:43:12.000 I would be like, I really love her.

00:43:14.000 And he'd be like, hey, who are you fucking talking to?

00:43:17.000 No, you don't.

00:43:18.000 I'm like, but I live with her.

00:43:19.000 Yeah, so what?

00:43:20.000 You don't love her.

00:43:21.000 Break up with her immediately.

00:43:23.000 We can never really get away with lying to each other.

00:43:25.000 Well, you know, you were just too good of a friend to have these crazy girls you were dating.

00:43:29.000 When I say crazy girls, folks, I'm not an invasive sort of a friend when it comes to friends, girlfriends.

00:43:36.000 Brian can tell you.

00:43:37.000 I'm usually pretty supportive, right?

00:43:39.000 Wouldn't you say, Brian?

00:43:40.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:43:41.000 And I date a lot of crazy girls.

00:43:42.000 And he's dated a lot of crazy girls.

00:43:43.000 So fun and bad.

00:43:44.000 But my take on it was always just be sweet to them, be nice to them, fuck the shit out of them, and if they leave, they leave.

00:43:51.000 That's how you go.

00:43:52.000 But with you, you had a totally different kind of crazy.

00:43:55.000 I developed an addiction.

00:43:56.000 You had a fascination with girls who were gigantic problems.

00:44:00.000 Yeah.

00:44:00.000 Brian's girls are sweet girls.

00:44:02.000 They just...

00:44:02.000 What happens in life?

00:44:04.000 You take a left when you should have taken a right.

00:44:06.000 You get stuck.

00:44:07.000 You can't pay your rent.

00:44:07.000 There's a lot of shit that happens to people in life.

00:44:10.000 So he's dealing with essentially sweet girls that go down a bad track.

00:44:14.000 You're dealing with fucking crazy people.

00:44:17.000 Where you can lose your fucking house.

00:44:18.000 Oh, not just lose your house.

00:44:20.000 Lose your life.

00:44:21.000 He had a few of them, man, where he would bring over, like, it was like Joe Louis' Bum of the Month Club.

00:44:28.000 He would bring over all these new silly bitches that he was dating.

00:44:32.000 One of them I called Bunch of Naps.

00:44:33.000 Yeah, that's the greatest!

00:44:35.000 That was the greatest!

00:44:36.000 She came over, I met her, right?

00:44:37.000 She lived on cookies.

00:44:38.000 Yeah, she comes over, and I go, that chick looks like she needs a bunch of naps, right?

00:44:42.000 And then ten minutes into hanging out at my house, she goes, oh my god, I'm so tired.

00:44:46.000 She takes her shoes off and curls up on the couch.

00:44:49.000 She was a cat.

00:44:49.000 She was a fucking cat.

00:44:50.000 Yeah.

00:44:51.000 Literally, she was like owning a high-tech pet.

00:44:54.000 She was so strange.

00:44:55.000 I was like, look, she's my pet.

00:44:56.000 It was so strange.

00:44:57.000 I have never met a more cat-like human being.

00:45:01.000 I've never met a person who just had no desire to have an intelligent conversation, just wanted to take naps.

00:45:07.000 Well, I talked to this guy, this fucking I talked to this awesome dude who's a well-known psychiatrist.

00:45:16.000 He's got his PhD.

00:45:17.000 He's a really smart guy.

00:45:18.000 And he said a lot of times people in relationships, like he works with a lot of couples and stuff like that and addicts and stuff.

00:45:24.000 And he said a lot of times what human beings do is we apply a construct on someone.

00:45:31.000 So you'll find somebody that looks the part and then you just apply a construct.

00:45:35.000 You just go, oh, that's who you are.

00:45:36.000 You're this girl.

00:45:37.000 You really like to work out.

00:45:39.000 Yeah, you're the J.Crew girl on the front of a sailboat.

00:45:42.000 That's what I want to date.

00:45:43.000 Meanwhile, the girl's like, I'm from fucking Michigan.

00:45:45.000 I've never been on a sailboat in my fucking life, and I like to do drugs every day.

00:45:48.000 What are you talking about?

00:45:49.000 No, you don't!

00:45:51.000 Why were you trying to construct that sort of a really non-realistic reality, though, all the time?

00:45:57.000 I don't know.

00:45:58.000 Because it wasn't like, it was really strange.

00:46:00.000 It's like, that's the kind of behavior that you get from people that have a hard time meeting girls.

00:46:04.000 But you had no problem meeting girls.

00:46:07.000 It wasn't that at all.

00:46:07.000 You were not shy, you were always charming, and you were always funny.

00:46:11.000 So, I mean, I can't remember a time where you're like, dude, I can't meet girls.

00:46:15.000 I'm just tired of being alone.

00:46:17.000 It was never that.

00:46:18.000 It was you, you know, for whatever reason, would wind up getting connected to the story.

00:46:24.000 They were so nuts, dude, that I was trying to figure out.

00:46:27.000 I spent many an hour by myself thinking about you after many of our crazy adventures.

00:46:35.000 Thinking about you going, how did this happen?

00:46:38.000 How did this guy get to this state of mind where he lets this person in his life and then he can't see that?

00:46:43.000 I don't understand that.

00:46:44.000 I don't know.

00:46:44.000 Because when I'm hanging out with you, I'm like, here's this insightful, intelligent, objective, self-deprecating guy who's really well-read, and yet he's hanging around with legit meth heads.

00:46:56.000 Right.

00:46:56.000 You were hanging around with scary people.

00:46:58.000 I don't know.

00:46:59.000 I really don't know what that was.

00:47:00.000 I think part of it was just, I think what it was was I'd go, oh, that's a project and I can save that person.

00:47:07.000 Yeah, I think that was...

00:47:08.000 A lot of that was...

00:47:08.000 I found that very intriguing where I'd say, you know what?

00:47:11.000 All you need is someone like me to change your life and I know how to help you.

00:47:15.000 And it took me a long time to realize that that is the dumbest shit you can ever do for anybody.

00:47:20.000 I mean, that's a dead fucking end.

00:47:23.000 You never want to do that shit.

00:47:24.000 My goodness, it is.

00:47:26.000 You know, you never want to do that because you can't...

00:47:29.000 You know, my father said something interesting to me the other day.

00:47:31.000 He said, look, you want to give advice to a kid?

00:47:33.000 Very different.

00:47:34.000 Don't ever get advice ever, ever to an adult.

00:47:37.000 Even if they can use it, never do it.

00:47:40.000 I said, yeah, but the guy, he's headed toward a wall.

00:47:42.000 He goes, that's right.

00:47:43.000 They know they're headed to a wall.

00:47:45.000 Never.

00:47:45.000 This is your dad?

00:47:46.000 Yeah, and he said- Why doesn't your dad do a talk show?

00:47:47.000 I gotta get him on my podcast.

00:47:49.000 Yeah, you get him on the podcast.

00:47:50.000 He's one of my favorite people in the world.

00:47:51.000 He's the greatest.

00:47:51.000 Dude, get him on your podcast.

00:47:53.000 Why don't you get him?

00:47:54.000 Can I go on with your dad?

00:47:56.000 Oh, that'd be great.

00:47:57.000 Please.

00:47:58.000 Well, he's a great guy to talk to about politics, about the state of the fucking world, about everything.

00:48:03.000 Because he's been in a hundred countries.

00:48:05.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:48:06.000 He's going to Italy right now to brush up on his Italian.

00:48:09.000 I'm like, why are you doing that?

00:48:10.000 He goes, I don't know.

00:48:11.000 I'm going to Rome for three weeks.

00:48:13.000 Wow.

00:48:13.000 He was the greatest.

00:48:14.000 He said, we were talking about when you're with a woman, you want to be able to talk to her.

00:48:19.000 And sometimes he goes, talk to her?

00:48:21.000 Why would you want to talk to her?

00:48:22.000 I've been married to your mother for 50 years.

00:48:23.000 I don't want to talk to her.

00:48:25.000 That's ridiculous.

00:48:26.000 Go to work.

00:48:26.000 Go to fucking work.

00:48:27.000 That's stupid.

00:48:29.000 He's so great.

00:48:30.000 He's such a bottom line guy and has read Everything, but he's also just a real man.

00:48:38.000 Sounds like a fun guy to talk to.

00:48:40.000 The world needs more of those.

00:48:41.000 I call him every day when I want to talk about something in the news or talk about just advice.

00:48:46.000 Do you get crazy with him?

00:48:47.000 How deep do you go in the rabbit hole?

00:48:49.000 As deep as it gets.

00:48:50.000 Really?

00:48:50.000 With that guy?

00:48:51.000 You can go all the way in the rabbit hole with him?

00:48:53.000 Oh my god.

00:48:53.000 Personal secrets?

00:48:55.000 Fuck yes.

00:48:55.000 Anything, huh?

00:48:56.000 Fuck yes.

00:48:57.000 Wow.

00:48:57.000 And be careful, by the way, because he'll fucking...

00:49:00.000 He'll smell you.

00:49:01.000 He'll smell you lying.

00:49:03.000 Oh, my God.

00:49:03.000 Smell you holding back.

00:49:04.000 Smell you.

00:49:05.000 How about this?

00:49:06.000 How about this?

00:49:06.000 I'll give you a great story.

00:49:07.000 Ready?

00:49:08.000 Watch this.

00:49:08.000 My buddy comes in.

00:49:10.000 I swear to God, I'm with my dad.

00:49:11.000 We're in my office.

00:49:13.000 My buddy comes in.

00:49:14.000 He just happened to be around because he was going to...

00:49:16.000 He just comes in and goes, Hey, Brian, how you doing?

00:49:18.000 I go, hey!

00:49:18.000 You know, let's say his name is Jeff.

00:49:20.000 I go, hey, Jeff, what's up?

00:49:21.000 And he goes, not much.

00:49:22.000 How you doing?

00:49:22.000 I go, I'm good.

00:49:23.000 And he goes, all right, man.

00:49:25.000 He says a couple words, and he goes, hey, Mr. Cowell, how you doing?

00:49:27.000 Nice to meet you.

00:49:28.000 And he just leaves.

00:49:30.000 And my father goes, what's that guy do?

00:49:33.000 And I go, he's a writer.

00:49:35.000 My father said, oh, I suspect that's not going to work out for him.

00:49:40.000 And I go, how did you know that?

00:49:44.000 And he goes, pattern recognition.

00:49:46.000 I've been around.

00:49:47.000 I'm 71 years old.

00:49:49.000 That's how.

00:49:50.000 Pattern recognition.

00:49:52.000 So he's like that guy from the Ben Stiller movie where he has the human lie detector on this.

00:49:56.000 That's what he can read you in a heartbeat, dude.

00:49:58.000 He can see you walk across the street.

00:50:00.000 He knows your whole fucking life.

00:50:01.000 Okay, then again, how the fuck are you so bad at that?

00:50:04.000 Well, I'm actually good at it.

00:50:06.000 I choose to ignore it.

00:50:07.000 Really?

00:50:07.000 Yes.

00:50:08.000 Actually, I think I'm very good at it.

00:50:10.000 But when I see a project, I go, hey...

00:50:14.000 I need to help you.

00:50:15.000 There was a self-destructive aspect to you that always disturbed me being your friend.

00:50:22.000 That's what would drive me nuts.

00:50:25.000 It was a distraction and it hurt me.

00:50:27.000 It hurt my career, by the way.

00:50:28.000 Really?

00:50:29.000 Yeah.

00:50:29.000 It hurt my career and it hurt my relationships with people that were significant in my life.

00:50:35.000 And I think a lot of that self-sabotage, we all go through that stuff.

00:50:39.000 You go through it, man.

00:50:41.000 You weigh less than anybody I knew, actually.

00:50:43.000 You were always very good at cutting out the fat.

00:50:46.000 And I kept it because I wanted an excuse maybe to, you know, it was like a parachute, you know what I mean?

00:50:52.000 I think there's very few reasons in life to give yourself more problems.

00:50:57.000 And if you can find all your own problems and address them and try to deal with all your own problems and be real honest about that, then it makes it really easy to see other people's problems.

00:51:08.000 but I found that in my life when I wasn't being honest with myself about my own problems when I had issues when I had unresolved things in my mind just when I was a really young man I was still growing up and trying to get over my fucked up childhood I found it much more difficult for me to see problems in other people because of the the shield that I put on recognizing my own issues

00:51:29.000 I wasn't as intuitive or insightful when it came to recognizing other people as I got older and I became as honest as is humanly possible which is how I am now now Then it became where I just see it everywhere.

00:51:46.000 Then it became really obvious.

00:51:48.000 That's what I have now become obsessed with.

00:51:50.000 And that's why I don't suffer fools anymore like that.

00:51:52.000 Because what I'm very interested in is figuring out...

00:51:56.000 I want to stay as undiluted as I can and as authentic.

00:51:59.000 When I was watching Springsteen, the word that kept popping into my head was just authentic.

00:52:03.000 He's never lying.

00:52:04.000 It's everything about him.

00:52:05.000 The way he dresses, the way...

00:52:07.000 Everything about it.

00:52:08.000 And nothing is in his way.

00:52:09.000 There's no resistance.

00:52:10.000 That's why he can do a backbend and touch his head at 62. Wow.

00:52:13.000 Literally, backbend.

00:52:14.000 That's amazing.

00:52:14.000 He went all the way back and hit his head.

00:52:16.000 He can run.

00:52:18.000 He's 62. That's amazing.

00:52:19.000 On stage he did this?

00:52:20.000 On stage, on a backbend at 62. And I went, that guy's so out of his own way.

00:52:26.000 You know, I've said this before, maybe on the podcast, but it's one of my favorite metaphors that Michelangelo said when he was carving.

00:52:32.000 I like how he says his name.

00:52:33.000 Michelangelo.

00:52:34.000 When Michelangelo.

00:52:34.000 Sorry, guys.

00:52:35.000 I speak Italian.

00:52:36.000 When Michelangelo.

00:52:37.000 Sorry, there are no girls here?

00:52:38.000 Okay.

00:52:39.000 Sorry, sorry.

00:52:40.000 When Michelangelo said, when he carved the David, the statue of David, and he had this piece of marble, and he said, and this is a great metaphor for art, he said, it's already in there.

00:52:51.000 I just have to get all this shit out of the way.

00:52:53.000 And he said, that's how you should look at yourself as a human being.

00:52:56.000 You're born and you acquire a lot of shit as you're growing up.

00:53:00.000 So as you grow up, a lot of shit's put on you.

00:53:03.000 Your family, how they define you, what they do to you, school, high school, the trauma of school, the grief you go through, your body isn't what you want, the losses and stuff, and you put on a lot of stuff.

00:53:16.000 You come to the world when you're ready to take it on at 30 with a whole lot of fucking baggage, and a lot of it's negative.

00:53:24.000 And the job then is to figure out a way to get that stuff off you, to shed that stuff and get back to who you really are, the authentic You.

00:53:37.000 And that to me is, at least as a comic and as somebody who writes and stuff, that's all I think about now.

00:53:43.000 How honest can I truly be with my expression?

00:53:47.000 Even if I'm being silly and like talking about saving a whale, there's a lot of me in there that I'm talking about.

00:53:54.000 And especially now the stuff that I'm working on now, just being a father and things like that and that responsibility and what that really means.

00:54:03.000 And with my daughter and not being able to show her a part of me.

00:54:07.000 And who I want.

00:54:09.000 She's going to model the men she dates after me.

00:54:11.000 So I got to be a fucking...

00:54:13.000 I got to be her hero.

00:54:15.000 I got to be the guy that she actually...

00:54:17.000 I don't want her dating the guy I used to be.

00:54:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:21.000 So all those responsibilities that you start taking on as you get older.

00:54:24.000 But so much of that is, and so much of fucking thought, you know, I gotta think.

00:54:29.000 They act like it's an active process.

00:54:32.000 Thinking and being creative is actually learning what not to think about.

00:54:37.000 Because the rest of it comes to you.

00:54:40.000 That's a real philosophy.

00:54:42.000 If you can open yourself up and think of thinking as being more of a channel for what's Available to you.

00:54:50.000 That's a very important distinction.

00:54:52.000 This notion that...

00:54:54.000 See, a lot of people come and say, well, I'm missing something.

00:54:56.000 I'm missing something that I have to add to my arsenal.

00:54:59.000 No.

00:55:00.000 In fact, what you're probably doing is there's something you've got to let go of.

00:55:03.000 And when you let go of that, you'll get what you're looking for or you'll find it.

00:55:08.000 That's a fundamental difference in thinking about things.

00:55:11.000 And I think a lot of times we're taught, hey, you're missing something.

00:55:14.000 You've got to put another arrow in your quiver.

00:55:18.000 In fact, a better advice may be to say, you gotta let some stuff go, man.

00:55:25.000 You're holding on to some stuff.

00:55:27.000 You gotta let some stuff go.

00:55:28.000 You're still defining yourself along lines that are not helpful to you.

00:55:32.000 You still have people in your life that are not your friends, even though they seem like they are.

00:55:37.000 You're still doing a job that you hate because it's an excuse to not go for what you really want.

00:55:45.000 There are a lot of things that you should be deleting.

00:55:46.000 You should be taking out of your life.

00:55:48.000 And then there will be room for something that's much better.

00:55:53.000 That's a very...

00:55:54.000 It's a scary way to think of it, but I don't think we talk about that enough.

00:55:58.000 I don't think that that is something that is given enough voice to.

00:56:02.000 It's definitely something when I get older, I feel myself doing that.

00:56:05.000 Just like deleting shit out of your life that constantly bugs you.

00:56:10.000 Sure.

00:56:10.000 Like if it's people or friends or...

00:56:12.000 I mean, that's one of the biggest things I've been running into lately is just how many people that I keep in almost a book, like, hey, this person's my friend, this person's my friend, but then actually going through it, I'm like, why am I friends with this person?

00:56:24.000 There's a million other people that want to be my friend that I could just start hanging out with and that could just take this place and this person's positive.

00:56:31.000 Yeah, well, watch when people go into a room.

00:56:33.000 Like, a lot of times, my mother will go into a room and find everything that's dangerous in a room.

00:56:37.000 She'll look at the world and she can see a whole bunch of things that are dangerous.

00:56:41.000 How many times do you watch people talk to their kids and say, be careful, it might break your arm.

00:56:45.000 Careful of that, don't do that.

00:56:47.000 You're always putting restrictions on people.

00:56:49.000 Now, you gotta do that to an extent with children, of course.

00:56:52.000 But we grow up with that kind of guidance.

00:56:58.000 And a lot of times, they mean well, but it's the wrong guidance.

00:57:02.000 It's getting in your way.

00:57:04.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:57:05.000 There's definitely patterns that people can set down early in their life and then continue to follow those patterns and have them not be productive at all.

00:57:15.000 It's a real dangerous thing about human beings that we operate in patterns.

00:57:18.000 And once a pattern has been established, even if it's completely ridiculous, we'll follow it.

00:57:24.000 Whether it's circumcision or whether it's cutting holes in your lip to stretch it out to put a plate in it like those crazy women in Surrey.

00:57:31.000 Why do they do that?

00:57:32.000 Well, because a pattern's been established.

00:57:34.000 They just fall right into it.

00:57:35.000 And it can get real weird, man.

00:57:37.000 There can be patterns for cannibalism, the semen ingesting tribes of New Guinea.

00:57:42.000 Do you know about all that?

00:57:43.000 How fucking nutty is that?

00:57:45.000 If you don't know, the story behind that, just look up semen tribes New Guinea, and there's no way we could delve into how fucking unbelievably bizarre and twisted it is.

00:57:57.000 But there's a whole tribe, and not just one, but...

00:58:00.000 Hundreds of them that live in New Guinea that they're feeding kids sperm.

00:58:05.000 They're making them suck their dicks and they're fucking them in the ass to make these kids grow older.

00:58:11.000 And they even in fact believe, some of them believe, that the only way that a child develops semen is it has to be planted in his body by fucking them in the ass.

00:58:19.000 Wow.

00:58:20.000 Yeah.

00:58:21.000 I mean, how did that pattern get going?

00:58:22.000 History is riddled with those kinds of crazy, you know, I mean, Charles Taylor, one of the slogans, I just was listening to NPR, Charles Taylor was the president of Liberia.

00:58:33.000 And there was, I mean, Charles Taylor, when he came to power, he took, what's his name?

00:58:37.000 Go, they made the guy eat his own ears and they videotaped it, right?

00:58:40.000 What?

00:58:41.000 Yeah, then they killed him.

00:58:42.000 When he overthrew that government, Samuel Doe, who was, I believe, the current president of Liberia, he and his henchmen, Charles Taylor, was a military guy, I think a major in the army, or a general, and they had him on a plane, and they staged the coup out on the plane, and before they killed him, they made him eat his own ears.

00:59:02.000 Wow.

00:59:03.000 Dwayne Rock Johnson?

00:59:04.000 Because he was a bad guy, and they made him eat his own ears, and I think another part of his body.

00:59:08.000 And then they castrated him and let him bleed out.

00:59:12.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:59:12.000 But the point is that he was a ruthless guy.

00:59:14.000 Whoa.

00:59:15.000 And he's the one who said to Fode Sanko in Liberia...

00:59:18.000 They let him bleed out on a plane?

00:59:20.000 Yes.

00:59:20.000 What a puddle that must have been.

00:59:22.000 Yeah, I don't know all the details, but it was a very brutal way of coming to power.

00:59:25.000 And Charles Taylor was a sociopath, just convicted in The Hague, by the way.

00:59:29.000 Just convicted for war crimes and crimes against humanity.

00:59:31.000 Yeah.

00:59:31.000 But he was the one who said to Fodessanco, who was the warlord in Sierra Leone, he said, you have to brutalize the people so badly that they have no other choice but to vote you in because they're too afraid not to vote for you.

00:59:43.000 And that was Fodessanco who used to go from town to town and said, if you voted for the government currently, we're going to cut all your hands off.

00:59:50.000 And he'd cut everybody's hands off.

00:59:52.000 Oh my God.

00:59:52.000 Nice guy.

00:59:53.000 And what Charles Taylor said, one of the slogans when he was running for president was, you killed my mother, you killed my father, but I'm still going to vote for you.

01:00:03.000 And it worked for him.

01:00:05.000 It worked for him.

01:00:06.000 That's how insane mind indoctrination can become if somebody is vicious enough to do it or manipulate it enough.

01:00:16.000 There was an ancient Japanese story that Duncan told me about a king or an emperor who hired someone to keep his concubines in line.

01:00:25.000 He hired this famous military advisor to keep his concubines in line.

01:00:31.000 Concubine is a prostitute.

01:00:32.000 Prostitute.

01:00:33.000 So he said, if you can keep my concubines in line, then surely you can run my army.

01:00:39.000 So what the guy did is he stepped up and he said, he clapped his hands and he said, listen to me.

01:00:47.000 I'm going to say move to the left, and you move to the left.

01:00:50.000 Ready?

01:00:51.000 And he claps his hands.

01:00:52.000 They move to the left, but a couple of them move to the right.

01:00:55.000 And some of them don't do anything.

01:00:57.000 So he says, I'm going to say it one more time.

01:00:59.000 I'm going to clap my hands.

01:01:00.000 And when I say move to the left, you all move to the left.

01:01:03.000 So he does it again and again.

01:01:05.000 Half of them don't pay attention.

01:01:07.000 So he takes the emperor's favorite concubine.

01:01:11.000 He brings her in front of everyone and he cuts her fucking head off.

01:01:14.000 Jesus Christ.

01:01:15.000 And the emperor tries to stop him.

01:01:16.000 The emperor runs in and he goes, no, no, not her, not her.

01:01:20.000 She's my favorite.

01:01:20.000 He goes, no.

01:01:21.000 He goes, you cannot win a war if you're not willing to do what must be done.

01:01:25.000 Right.

01:01:26.000 And he goes, this is what must be done.

01:01:27.000 Whack!

01:01:28.000 Cuts her fucking head off on everybody.

01:01:30.000 And then he claps his hands and he said, when I say move to the left, you move to the left.

01:01:33.000 Jesus Christ.

01:01:33.000 And they fucking fell in line, man.

01:01:35.000 Everyone fell in line.

01:01:36.000 They knew that that was his favorite one.

01:01:38.000 That's why he took the favorite one and cut her head off.

01:01:40.000 Right.

01:01:41.000 Because there's certain things you have to do if you want to run shit.

01:01:44.000 Right.

01:01:44.000 And that's one.

01:01:45.000 And that was a true military move.

01:01:48.000 Right.

01:01:48.000 Well, what's interesting about that's how every society was ruled, especially with the Romans.

01:01:54.000 The Romans basically, in this book Extreme Fear, the Romans literally just trained their army in constant warfare.

01:02:01.000 Their training was constant and their battles were as simulated, their training was as close to reality as they could simulate.

01:02:09.000 They were a very hard group.

01:02:11.000 One of the reasons being if you want to be ready for combat, you know this from MMA, you better be training in situations that mimic combat as closely as you can.

01:02:22.000 We all know this.

01:02:23.000 But one of the things that's interesting about that way of ruling, which was always by the sword and with extreme measures...

01:02:30.000 Was that the political experiment that happened in this country 250 years ago in Philadelphia, the drafting of the Federalist Papers and the Constitution, was in fact completely the opposite.

01:02:41.000 It was the notion that in fact you as a ruler were the servant of and for the people.

01:02:53.000 And that was what was such a radical notion, this idea that there is not going to be a king, an all-powerful king.

01:02:58.000 It's why when George Washington said, I don't want to be king.

01:03:01.000 I am not a king.

01:03:03.000 We are not going to have a king in this country.

01:03:04.000 We're going to have a president who's voted in by the people.

01:03:09.000 At that time, it was white land-owning people, but it was still a radical notion.

01:03:13.000 It started, the kernels of that began In England, where the king actually had to start listening to the parliament, but it was such a radical notion that you had a group of people that were not military,

01:03:31.000 that didn't have guns, yet they had the balancing power of the authority to make laws, to raise taxes, to pass taxes, but they were ultimately At the behest of the population they were serving.

01:03:48.000 Never been done before.

01:03:49.000 And what it gave rise to is the strongest, most innovative country in the world.

01:03:53.000 In a lot of ways, if you talk to political philosophy, you know, people who are political, you know, People who make politics of life.

01:04:05.000 That experiment solved the political problem.

01:04:08.000 They solved the political problem.

01:04:10.000 No one ever argues about the fallibility of the Constitution.

01:04:15.000 It's always a question of how you interpret.

01:04:17.000 But we always stay within the confines of the Constitution, which is kind of amazing.

01:04:22.000 And it's such a radical difference.

01:04:23.000 That is how you control people.

01:04:25.000 It is how you control people.

01:04:27.000 Look at Russia.

01:04:28.000 Russia is run by a group of ex-KGB guys who are all military guys.

01:04:33.000 Their one resource is oil.

01:04:34.000 They have a lot of money.

01:04:36.000 When was the last time you saw anything come out of Russia, like a car, like a computer, or even clothing?

01:04:42.000 What innovation has ever come out of Russia?

01:04:45.000 Nothing but minerals, nothing but oil.

01:04:48.000 You know why?

01:04:48.000 Because that kind of thinking, that kind of brutality, that kind of might makes right, actually, at the end of the day, makes a country weaker.

01:04:57.000 It doesn't make it stronger.

01:04:59.000 They were so good with rocketry, though.

01:05:03.000 It's amazing.

01:05:03.000 They were amazing.

01:05:04.000 It's amazing how far ahead they were when it came to the space race.

01:05:08.000 It's really incredible.

01:05:09.000 Oh, you mean the Soviets?

01:05:10.000 Yeah, the Soviets.

01:05:11.000 And what's fascinating is also how their designs were parallel to what Wernher von Braun and NASA was doing, but yet different, like different sort of setups with the rockets.

01:05:21.000 They had a little bit of a different thing, though.

01:05:23.000 The Soviets, first of all, had a very rich tradition of Art and literature and culture.

01:05:30.000 And they also, you know, back in the day, communism for a lot of Soviets, a lot of Russians, was an idealistic, was an ideology they really believed in.

01:05:40.000 And so there was, for a long time, a real communal effort.

01:05:44.000 There was this notion that we as a country are not only doing the right thing, but we're going to beat the American, the imperialists, at their own games.

01:05:51.000 What I was going to say is they really are very innovative when it came to certain aspects of technology.

01:05:58.000 Mike Swick, the guy out of San Jose the Fighter, UFC guy, really good dude, was working in a U.S. Embassy in Russia a long time ago.

01:06:09.000 And he said they found, like, they would find, like, little hearing devices and shit that the Russians had put into their stuff to look at them and to listen in on them.

01:06:19.000 And one of them they found was powered by the swaying of the building.

01:06:23.000 They had never seen anything like it.

01:06:25.000 They had to, like, back-engineer this fucking thing and go, like, what?

01:06:29.000 If you look at, though, the Cold War and what won the war was the fact that the Soviets ultimately, actually, from a technological point of view...

01:06:36.000 First of all, they stole...

01:06:37.000 Remember, they stole from the Rosenbergs, the guys that were put to death by, I believe, Truman, the couple that sold the Soviets the technology for the nuclear weapon.

01:06:50.000 Really?

01:06:51.000 Yes.

01:06:51.000 Is that what it was?

01:06:52.000 The Soviets got the bomb from us.

01:06:55.000 They threw espionage.

01:06:56.000 But...

01:06:56.000 Having said that...

01:06:57.000 Did I read something about that being a bad decision?

01:07:02.000 Well, the fact that Truman put them both to death.

01:07:05.000 What the hell is that?

01:07:07.000 I can't believe I'm blanking on their name.

01:07:09.000 Check your X-Flex.

01:07:10.000 It's the...

01:07:11.000 I can't believe I'm...

01:07:12.000 It's Rosenberg or Rosenberg.

01:07:14.000 It was a couple that sold the Soviets the secret to the bomb.

01:07:20.000 And that started the arms race.

01:07:21.000 Julius and Ethel Rosenberg?

01:07:24.000 Yes, thank you.

01:07:25.000 And they were put to death for selling the Soviets the bomb.

01:07:27.000 And the Soviets got a lot of their technology, not from within their own sort of, you know, their own laboratories, but from other places.

01:07:34.000 And then, you know, worked on it.

01:07:36.000 But one of the things that the Soviets lost...

01:07:38.000 For example, their MiG fighter jets couldn't fly as higher as fast.

01:07:42.000 You know why?

01:07:42.000 They couldn't come up with the kind of steel.

01:07:44.000 When you deal with fighter jets, it's all about what kind of temperature-resistant steel you can come up with.

01:07:51.000 That way you can burn hotter.

01:07:52.000 And our F-14s and F-16s, F-15s or whatever, could burn fuel at a much higher temperature without melting the metal so we could fly higher and faster.

01:08:03.000 They couldn't keep up with us.

01:08:04.000 Have you heard about this new thing that went...

01:08:07.000 What is it, 180 times faster than the speed of sound, Brian?

01:08:10.000 What was this new experimental craft that they had?

01:08:13.000 I didn't hear that.

01:08:14.000 You didn't hear about this on Twitter?

01:08:15.000 No.

01:08:16.000 Dude, it's some new NASA spacecraft that they've developed.

01:08:20.000 It's a drone right now, but it went 100,000, some insane miles per hour.

01:08:25.000 Let me give you the exact...

01:08:27.000 This is what raises all kinds of questions.

01:08:29.000 Did you see that cheetah?

01:08:31.000 That fucking mechanical cheetah that they're going to put guns on?

01:08:34.000 It runs like a cheetah?

01:08:35.000 It runs like...

01:08:36.000 I mean, robotics?

01:08:38.000 The DARPA robots?

01:08:39.000 Yeah.

01:08:39.000 It's like Transformers.

01:08:40.000 Dude, robotics are...

01:08:41.000 We're going to have, like, all kinds of crazy shit.

01:08:44.000 It raises a lot of questions, man.

01:08:46.000 I don't know.

01:08:47.000 Yeah, I've got to find this drone.

01:08:48.000 Like, in other words, when we get that good at killing, what does that mean, right?

01:08:51.000 I don't know.

01:08:52.000 So that drone, that would be pretty much as fast as a bullet, wouldn't it?

01:08:55.000 This fucking thing apparently went so fast that it peeled the skin off of it.

01:09:00.000 What?

01:09:00.000 Wow.

01:09:01.000 Yeah, they anticipated that the speed was going to peel some of it off, but apparently it peeled all of it off.

01:09:07.000 Peel, skin.

01:09:09.000 Yet another device where we're not going to need soldiers anymore.

01:09:13.000 That's my joke where I go, the war hero in 20 years is going to be the chubby dude with huge thumb muscles.

01:09:18.000 Smells like Doritos and weed because he's working toggle switches.

01:09:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:09:21.000 Well, you know, you think about how good guys get at video games where it's so frustrating to play them.

01:09:26.000 Imagine if those guys are in control of, like, some sort of a death machine with no lag time.

01:09:30.000 So that means Kreia wins, right?

01:09:32.000 It's a hypersonic glider.

01:09:34.000 And then what they're saying is the skin was peeled off by the speed of this fucking thing.

01:09:42.000 This is incredible.

01:09:44.000 This is another DARPA project.

01:09:45.000 DARPA, they're so scary.

01:09:46.000 Well, dude, you know, video games are responsible for Top Gun fighter pilots and for SWAT team guys.

01:09:53.000 You get these 16-year-olds that come in and they can fly a plane after learning a little bit on the simulator as well as any Top Gun fighter pilot or shoot more accurately than the best sniper.

01:10:01.000 You know why?

01:10:02.000 They've been playing fucking gun video games and fighter pilots since they were three years old.

01:10:06.000 So they have that hand-eye coordination.

01:10:09.000 Yeah, the ability to aim at things.

01:10:10.000 There was a shooting in a school where the kid shot eight kids in his classroom, and none of the SWAT team, when they looked at what happened, he was shooting kids in the head as they were running and catching them in headshots, squeezing them off, and they were like, we don't have anybody who can do that.

01:10:24.000 I mean, that's kind of a physical impossibility.

01:10:25.000 It's a lag thing.

01:10:27.000 But the kid had been doing that.

01:10:28.000 He'd been shooting whatever.

01:10:30.000 So by the time he was 16, he was an expert with a gun.

01:10:34.000 I wonder if there's going to be less car accidents because of video games for kids.

01:10:38.000 Or I wonder if you were to go back like 10 years.

01:10:41.000 Like if they have better hand-eye coordination?

01:10:42.000 Yeah, it makes sense.

01:10:43.000 Yeah, cars are also going to be communicating with each other.

01:10:45.000 It's a physical thing though.

01:10:47.000 Especially when you're shifting gears and stuff.

01:10:49.000 So this thing went 20 times faster than the speed of sound.

01:10:53.000 What?

01:10:53.000 Fast enough to fly from New York to Los Angeles in 12 minutes.

01:10:57.000 Hold on, I'm going to tell you how fast that is.

01:10:59.000 750 miles an hour is the speed of sound.

01:11:02.000 It went for 9 minutes.

01:11:04.000 It flew.

01:11:06.000 And apparently this thing could go from New York to LA in less than 12 minutes.

01:11:11.000 My fucking God.

01:11:13.000 What was that?

01:11:14.000 It could go to New York to L.A. in less than 12 minutes.

01:11:17.000 It's 2,000 times faster than the speed?

01:11:18.000 20 times the speed of sound.

01:11:21.000 Okay, and you know how fast that is?

01:11:22.000 That's 15,000 miles an hour.

01:11:25.000 Wow.

01:11:26.000 Actually, 13,000.

01:11:27.000 13,000 miles an hour.

01:11:29.000 That's what this thing is saying.

01:11:30.000 The result gaps in speed.

01:11:32.000 So it's actually a little less than 20 times.

01:11:34.000 Well, you know what?

01:11:35.000 Actually, I think it's capable of more than that.

01:11:38.000 I think what they're saying is at 13,000 miles an hour, the skin peeled off of it.

01:11:42.000 13,000 miles an hour?

01:11:44.000 Oh my god!

01:11:46.000 13,000 miles in an hour?

01:11:48.000 What are you talking about?

01:11:50.000 Jesus Christ.

01:11:51.000 Think about how fucking fast that thing would be.

01:11:54.000 It flew to New York in how long?

01:11:55.000 12 minutes.

01:11:56.000 From where?

01:11:56.000 Well, it couldn't make it because it burnt to death in 9 minutes.

01:11:59.000 Yeah, what's the fuel?

01:12:01.000 Adderall?

01:12:01.000 I don't know.

01:12:02.000 Adderall?

01:12:03.000 It's coke.

01:12:04.000 It runs on coke.

01:12:05.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:12:07.000 What if they found out that cocaine was like the best fuel ever?

01:12:10.000 Well, in some ways it is.

01:12:12.000 And you could use it to get to the moon, no problem.

01:12:15.000 For a little while it is.

01:12:15.000 To slow burn.

01:12:16.000 For a little while you feel invincible.

01:12:18.000 If you figured out how to put it into some sort of an engine that made a combustion that's only possible with cocaine.

01:12:23.000 Well, that's the thing.

01:12:25.000 It's like trying to come up with fuel that really is that way.

01:12:29.000 I guess we are.

01:12:30.000 Well, we're going to have to because we're going to run out of fucking oil.

01:12:33.000 It might be 100 years from now.

01:12:34.000 It might be 50 years from now.

01:12:35.000 Yeah, but eventually.

01:12:36.000 It looks like it's going to run out.

01:12:37.000 Cars are already running.

01:12:38.000 I mean, I got a Prius.

01:12:39.000 You don't even have a car, sir.

01:12:41.000 It's a dishwasher.

01:12:42.000 A man who's so manly, why do you not have a Shelby Mustang?

01:12:46.000 Why don't you come with me?

01:12:47.000 Come with me to the dealership.

01:12:48.000 Let me tell you something.

01:12:49.000 I don't think you know.

01:12:50.000 I don't think you know.

01:12:51.000 I think you're missing out because I don't think you've ever experienced it.

01:12:54.000 This is like you and I going to buy a game bread pit bull, remember?

01:12:56.000 Yeah, I remember that very well.

01:12:58.000 You and I, a couple of idiots, we go find this complete bad...

01:13:02.000 You know how to drive a stick shift, right?

01:13:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:03.000 You're going to drive my GT3 when we get out of here.

01:13:05.000 Okay.

01:13:06.000 You have some money.

01:13:07.000 Get a fun car.

01:13:08.000 You don't even have to floss.

01:13:10.000 Get a goddamn Mustang GT. Ford Edge.

01:13:12.000 Ford Edge is not...

01:13:13.000 Not what I'm talking about.

01:13:14.000 A Mustang GT? Yeah, they're fun.

01:13:16.000 They're fun.

01:13:17.000 It's a fucking big V8, 400-something horsepower.

01:13:20.000 Yeah, but I drive too much.

01:13:20.000 I gotta fill it up with gas all the time.

01:13:22.000 So you go to the gas station.

01:13:24.000 It sucks.

01:13:24.000 It takes five minutes.

01:13:26.000 Don't be a pussy.

01:13:26.000 You know when you need gas and you don't need gas.

01:13:28.000 Get yourself a goddamn manly car.

01:13:30.000 You would love it.

01:13:31.000 I'm in traffic all the time.

01:13:32.000 You know what you should get?

01:13:32.000 Get a goddamn Dodge SRT8 Challenger.

01:13:35.000 That's what fucking Doug Davidoff has.

01:13:37.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:13:38.000 See?

01:13:38.000 He's happy, I bet.

01:13:39.000 He's got a distinction with a racing thing.

01:13:41.000 Yeah, I bet he's happy.

01:13:42.000 I was in it yesterday.

01:13:42.000 I got seasick.

01:13:44.000 I got carsick.

01:13:45.000 I bet he was happy, though.

01:13:46.000 Did he look like he was happy?

01:13:46.000 He can't drive slowly.

01:13:48.000 He looked pretty happy though, didn't he?

01:13:49.000 He cannot drive slowly.

01:13:51.000 He wants a giant V8. His cars need to be monsters and totally inappropriate.

01:13:55.000 It's perfect.

01:13:56.000 His wheels are that fat.

01:13:57.000 He's enjoying his life.

01:13:59.000 A Challenger?

01:14:00.000 It's kind of scrawny wheels.

01:14:01.000 He's got the racing.

01:14:02.000 He's got the expensive one.

01:14:03.000 Oh, the SRT8 racing package.

01:14:05.000 That's great.

01:14:06.000 Those cars, they don't handle that well because it's a big car.

01:14:09.000 It's like more than 4,000 pounds, I believe.

01:14:11.000 I have the Shelby GT 500, and that's like...

01:14:15.000 Yeah.

01:14:20.000 3,000 pounds.

01:14:21.000 Right.

01:14:21.000 Porsche's really light.

01:14:22.000 And when you get a big, heavy car like that, it's fucking really hard to make handle.

01:14:27.000 But in straight lines, in some ways, the Challenger's like one of the last real old school muscle cars.

01:14:33.000 Really?

01:14:33.000 A challenger.

01:14:34.000 And the Mustang GT. You know, the GT500, the Shelby, it's still stupid.

01:14:40.000 It's like way too much power for the back.

01:14:42.000 And the new ones, they're coming out with new ones that have 650 horsepower.

01:14:46.000 Mine has 550 and it's ridiculous.

01:14:48.000 550?

01:14:49.000 550. And it sounds majestic.

01:14:51.000 It makes your balls feel good.

01:14:53.000 Like when you hear the noise.

01:14:56.000 See, I've driven other cars.

01:14:58.000 If I had to pick what's my best car, I would say the Porsche, the GT3, the race car.

01:15:04.000 That's a great car.

01:15:05.000 But it's not as stupid, put a big stupid grin on your face fun.

01:15:09.000 The Shelby's more fun because it's got a big dumb engine.

01:15:13.000 And when you hit the gas, it goes.

01:15:14.000 It's American.

01:15:15.000 It's American versus German.

01:15:18.000 It's America, fuck yeah!

01:15:19.000 It's got low-end torque, like it throws you back in the seat with a...

01:15:23.000 They should have just added balls to it.

01:15:27.000 This challenge only starts off at 24, and it gets 27 miles per gallon, which is actually really good.

01:15:33.000 That car gets 15. It's a beautiful car.

01:15:37.000 Your car only goes 52 if you drive like a girl.

01:15:41.000 It's true.

01:15:42.000 Didn't you tell me that the...

01:15:45.000 That actually it gets not as good gas mileage as your BMW or something?

01:15:48.000 Yes, an M3. Not even a regular BMW. If you take it on a track.

01:15:53.000 Oh, really?

01:15:53.000 Yes.

01:15:54.000 Top Gear.

01:15:55.000 I love them to death.

01:15:56.000 Those guys out of England.

01:15:57.000 Jeremy Clarkson went around a track and he had a BMW M3 and he floored it and the guy tried to keep up with him.

01:16:05.000 No, he had to keep up with the guy in the Prius.

01:16:08.000 That's all he had to do.

01:16:09.000 And the BMW, it was much easier for the BMW to keep up like a really easy, for the BMW, an easy pace, like 90 miles an hour or something like that.

01:16:16.000 Whereas the Prius was fucking struggling to keep it up.

01:16:20.000 So the Prius actually burnt more gas.

01:16:21.000 Yeah, it's not made for that.

01:16:22.000 It's a piece of shit!

01:16:24.000 You're a man!

01:16:26.000 What about the X5? You're a man, Callan.

01:16:29.000 Get away from me with that.

01:16:30.000 You need a goddamn challenger with a stick shift, too, you pussy.

01:16:33.000 Don't get the automatic.

01:16:35.000 That's what I'm talking about.

01:16:36.000 That's part of being a man.

01:16:37.000 You gotta be able to fucking keep it in neutral.

01:16:39.000 Would you really recommend a challenger, though?

01:16:41.000 Fuck yeah.

01:16:42.000 I would recommend one.

01:16:42.000 I didn't know it was this cheap.

01:16:43.000 Dude, I would buy one.

01:16:44.000 I love a joke.

01:16:44.000 It's irrational.

01:16:45.000 It's like, come on.

01:16:46.000 Don't be a baby.

01:16:47.000 It's traffic in LA. Stick shift.

01:16:49.000 500 horsepower.

01:16:50.000 I might buy one of those when my Mustang's lease is up.

01:16:53.000 I might.

01:16:53.000 I might get one of those.

01:16:54.000 I'll fucking buy a horse.

01:16:56.000 I'm going to trade my car in.

01:16:57.000 Yeah, that's a good car.

01:16:58.000 If you're going to trade it in for a Challenger, that's a great car.

01:17:01.000 What do you drive, bro?

01:17:01.000 Chrysler makes solid cars, man.

01:17:03.000 And they're fun to drive.

01:17:04.000 It sounds cool.

01:17:05.000 It's easy to see out of.

01:17:07.000 Give me another car.

01:17:09.000 What about it?

01:17:09.000 Get a manly car!

01:17:12.000 I can't tell you what you should get.

01:17:14.000 What you should get is like a fucking 911. Get a new Porsche.

01:17:17.000 They have a new 991. Oh, yeah.

01:17:19.000 You don't even have to drive a stick shift.

01:17:21.000 They have a dual-clutch transmission, paddle shifting.

01:17:24.000 Really?

01:17:24.000 If you've got some cash and you're ready to party, Yeah.

01:17:27.000 It's fun.

01:17:28.000 Yeah.

01:17:29.000 You don't have to drive irresponsibly either.

01:17:30.000 No, I know.

01:17:31.000 Even just merging on the highway.

01:17:33.000 I drove Arnold Schwarzenegger's old Porsche because my buddy had it in his lot.

01:17:38.000 And I was like, in first gear the whole time, I can't go anywhere.

01:17:41.000 It's traffic.

01:17:42.000 Yeah.

01:17:42.000 Well, you know, you're going to get a little bit of that.

01:17:44.000 But if you want to buy a new car, you can get a car that has a dual clutch.

01:17:48.000 But it was my feeling.

01:17:49.000 I bought the 335i BMW. It's a great car.

01:17:51.000 I couldn't drive it, though.

01:17:53.000 I was just always...

01:17:54.000 I could never open it up.

01:17:54.000 It was always like...

01:17:55.000 It just felt like it wanted to go, and I couldn't.

01:17:57.000 I felt like I kept...

01:17:58.000 I was keeping a dog in a cage.

01:18:00.000 Really?

01:18:00.000 Because I have the M3, and it always feels...

01:18:02.000 That's like my favorite road, driving traffic.

01:18:03.000 Yeah, but you live...

01:18:03.000 The way you live out there, you got some open road, too.

01:18:06.000 Yeah, but even if you don't, you know...

01:18:07.000 I think the modern...

01:18:08.000 You love cars, dude.

01:18:09.000 I do.

01:18:10.000 I'm fascinated by that.

01:18:11.000 Yeah.

01:18:11.000 I love technology, and my favorite technology, like interactive technology, is cars.

01:18:15.000 Why is that, do you think?

01:18:16.000 Because they're connected.

01:18:17.000 Well, first of all, because I'm an idiot, and I see these amazing things like computers, and I'm like, who the fuck?

01:18:23.000 How is this possible?

01:18:25.000 Who's doing this?

01:18:26.000 How are they making this?

01:18:27.000 Even what they do with the Mustang, I love the fact that they've taken this really shit design.

01:18:32.000 It's a live axle car.

01:18:33.000 It doesn't even have independent rear suspension.

01:18:35.000 What does that mean?

01:18:36.000 It means the back rear tires act on one giant axle as opposed to a much more modern car like the Porsche has active independent suspension.

01:18:46.000 So if you go over a bump at the right, the right absorbs it, the left doesn't.

01:18:51.000 It keeps you planted to the ground better.

01:18:53.000 If you hit a bump in the Shelby, your fucking whole ass end goes up in the air.

01:18:56.000 It's a stupid design, but they've taken it to the utmost limits.

01:19:01.000 They've really done the best job to harness this really ridiculous design.

01:19:03.000 It's like driving a bodybuilder.

01:19:05.000 It's not like an MMA fighter.

01:19:06.000 It's just a huge fucking bodybuilder.

01:19:08.000 It's a gorilla.

01:19:09.000 It's a gorilla that wants to stomp on the gas.

01:19:12.000 It can corner, especially the coupes.

01:19:16.000 The convertible is a little flip-floppy, but the coupe is pretty stiff.

01:19:20.000 They corner really good.

01:19:21.000 You can get them around a racetrack.

01:19:23.000 The new ones have a sport suspension.

01:19:26.000 But just as far as something that's pure fun, it's pure fun to hear on the highway.

01:19:31.000 It's pure fun to drive around.

01:19:32.000 It's hard to beat one of those Shelby Mustangs.

01:19:34.000 Just the sound of it.

01:19:35.000 It's so satisfying.

01:19:37.000 It's like, you're driving a goddamn sewing machine, man.

01:19:40.000 Yeah, it's true.

01:19:41.000 It's really...

01:19:42.000 Even the...

01:19:43.000 When I bought...

01:19:44.000 Did I tell you the story?

01:19:45.000 When I went to lease the Prius, I go in there and I go, I want red.

01:19:49.000 And the guy goes, but you do?

01:19:52.000 Because it's Barcelona red.

01:19:54.000 And he goes, you do?

01:19:55.000 You sure you don't want black?

01:19:57.000 He was trying to talk to me, and I go, no, I want red, please.

01:20:00.000 I want a red Prius, and please refer to it as the Red Ram.

01:20:03.000 And he's like, what do you mean?

01:20:04.000 I go, it's called the Red Ram.

01:20:06.000 And he goes, sir, your Prius is ready.

01:20:07.000 I go, my what is ready?

01:20:08.000 He goes, your Red Ram is ready.

01:20:11.000 And I made them all stand there, and I drove out with my fingers like this, curled like a ram's horns.

01:20:16.000 On the fucking thing like that.

01:20:17.000 And I fucking, I was like, gentlemen, thank you for your time.

01:20:21.000 And I just fucking rolled out of my Prius like this.

01:20:23.000 Like a fucking idiot.

01:20:25.000 Yeah, it's called the Red Rim.

01:20:26.000 These Challengers are so sexy.

01:20:29.000 Let me see.

01:20:29.000 You know what?

01:20:30.000 If you want to look up a sick one, dude, look up the SRT8. And I believe they're 45 or 46. That's a good looking car.

01:20:37.000 For their top of the line one.

01:20:38.000 It's a great looking car.

01:20:39.000 Now, is this Challenger, does this have independent suspension or no?

01:20:42.000 Yes.

01:20:42.000 Yes, those do.

01:20:43.000 Only the Ford Mustangs don't.

01:20:45.000 It's a really good looking car.

01:20:46.000 That's what fucking Dove has when he has the racing one.

01:20:49.000 Yeah, the RT, SRT. Yeah, it's ridiculous.

01:20:52.000 Brian, look that up.

01:20:52.000 Look up the SRT8 Challenger.

01:20:55.000 I love the fact that America is finally making cool cars again.

01:20:58.000 For the longest time, all the cars looked like shit.

01:21:01.000 Even go back to old Z28 Camaros.

01:21:04.000 Yeah, I know.

01:21:04.000 They look so stupid.

01:21:06.000 And if you compare like the really old ones, like the 1967, 69 Camaros, they were amazing cars.

01:21:12.000 Even the 70. They were works of art, bro.

01:21:14.000 Works of art.

01:21:15.000 Amazing when they're done upright, but then something happened in like the 80s and the 90s.

01:21:19.000 They were just dog shit, and now they're fucking cool again.

01:21:23.000 Like I saw a Camaro SS the other day.

01:21:25.000 Some dude drove by me.

01:21:26.000 I'm like, that is a great shaped car.

01:21:29.000 Right.

01:21:29.000 Look at that shit.

01:21:30.000 Yeah, that's the SRT8. Yeah, that's the most expensive one, I think.

01:21:34.000 Yeah, it's 46. That's the special speed yellow, whatever the hell it is.

01:21:39.000 Maybe I'll get that one.

01:21:40.000 Fuck yeah, dude.

01:21:41.000 Are you crazy?

01:21:42.000 That's a fun car to drive around.

01:21:44.000 Greg Fitzsimmons, by the way, just like you, conflicted family man, the whole deal.

01:21:49.000 Not that you're conflicted as a family man.

01:21:50.000 Conflicted in your ability to express your masculinity because you have children.

01:21:53.000 He got a Prius, and he wanted this so bad.

01:21:55.000 He wanted a Challenger so bad.

01:21:56.000 He was...

01:21:57.000 I almost fucking bought it.

01:21:58.000 He goes, I hate this piece of shit.

01:21:59.000 He goes, and it doesn't get good gas much because I drive it like an asshole.

01:22:03.000 He's like stomping on the gas.

01:22:05.000 That's not me.

01:22:06.000 The way I'm a retard is I'll be in the backyard with my buddy Kieran learning different choke holds and learning his brand of jiu-jitsu and boxing.

01:22:14.000 Dude, let me tell you something.

01:22:15.000 That car will make you funnier.

01:22:16.000 You get in that car, it'll make you feel like you're having a good time.

01:22:19.000 That's the car that my car, that rides car, should have been.

01:22:24.000 Right.

01:22:24.000 My rides car was a hunk of shit.

01:22:26.000 It was a beautiful looking car, an amazing construction, but it would break down constantly.

01:22:32.000 Someone said to me, why'd you get rid of it?

01:22:34.000 This is why I got rid of it.

01:22:35.000 I was driving on the highway going like 70 miles an hour.

01:22:38.000 Then 10 minutes later, I pull into my driveway and my wheel and suspension detaches from the frame in my driveway.

01:22:46.000 Clank!

01:22:47.000 What?

01:22:47.000 The car goes sideways.

01:22:48.000 What?

01:22:49.000 So I get out.

01:22:49.000 The wheel is shoved into the fender.

01:22:51.000 The fender's dented.

01:22:52.000 And I was like, I was just on the highway with this thing.

01:22:54.000 Holy shit.

01:22:55.000 And like, these old cars suck.

01:22:57.000 They handle like a rhino on roller skates.

01:23:00.000 Yeah.

01:23:00.000 Like a drunk rhinoceros on a fucking ice skating rink.

01:23:03.000 That's a great one.

01:23:03.000 They're terrible.

01:23:05.000 They're all designed fucked up.

01:23:06.000 They look amazing, though.

01:23:08.000 They look incredible.

01:23:09.000 Well, this car, what these new challenges are, is like, here's a car you can fucking actually drive, and it actually has real brakes, ABS brakes, and it's got a real traction management system.

01:23:20.000 It looks the same.

01:23:21.000 It's very similar.

01:23:23.000 This is the car you're talking about.

01:23:24.000 That Challenger.

01:23:25.000 It looks just like my car.

01:23:26.000 It's so similar to my Barracuda.

01:23:29.000 Although there's something about those old Barracudas where you knew it was all metal.

01:23:33.000 It was just so much more legit.

01:23:35.000 With all that plastic and stuff.

01:23:36.000 That was a gorgeous car.

01:23:37.000 You sold that for probably...

01:23:38.000 I made some money on it.

01:23:41.000 Then I just bought the Porsche.

01:23:43.000 It was so much more fun.

01:23:45.000 But if I had to choose one, I would take a Mustang.

01:23:47.000 Really?

01:23:48.000 Because it's fun.

01:23:49.000 It's not the best car.

01:23:50.000 It's not the most refined.

01:23:51.000 The interior is made out of shit plastic.

01:23:53.000 Ultimately, it really is about having fun.

01:23:55.000 It's fun.

01:23:55.000 It's about having fun.

01:23:56.000 Yeah.

01:23:57.000 When I hit the gas in the car, and I'm not even talking about going fast, it's satisfying.

01:24:02.000 Even my father, he goes, what is this thing?

01:24:06.000 Yeah, what the fuck is that?

01:24:07.000 What is it?

01:24:08.000 And Dove Davidoff always says, he goes, they should call it, they should call it, instead of the Prius, they should call it, I won't punch you back no matter what you do to me.

01:24:17.000 Well, the thing is, the reason why I say this is that I know you're not broke.

01:24:21.000 You have money.

01:24:22.000 You're a very successful guy.

01:24:23.000 You do very well.

01:24:25.000 You could get a car like this and it's an easy choice.

01:24:28.000 It's not irrational at all.

01:24:29.000 I could definitely afford the car that I want.

01:24:31.000 That's true.

01:24:32.000 I looked at the Audi A5. Cut to Twitter.

01:24:35.000 Oh, that's great.

01:24:36.000 Two fucking rich guys talking about what kind of car to drive.

01:24:39.000 It's not about that, sir.

01:24:41.000 It's about seizing passion.

01:24:42.000 It's about having fun and your fucking life.

01:24:44.000 That's exactly right.

01:24:44.000 And if you have a car that's a fun car to drive, if you can afford it, only if you can afford it.

01:24:49.000 If you can't afford it, it becomes the exact opposite.

01:24:52.000 Instead of being this cool thing, it becomes this fucking velvet prison you have to drag around with you everywhere.

01:24:57.000 It's slowly sinking you and taking away your time because you have to work extra hours.

01:25:01.000 I've got to say, I've had some such nice people on Twitter say things.

01:25:05.000 I get such great feedback.

01:25:07.000 People are just so nice.

01:25:08.000 I had a guy, I wasn't feeling very good about my one hour special because it was an hour and a half.

01:25:13.000 I wanted to cut it down to 42 minutes.

01:25:15.000 There's a lot of reasons.

01:25:15.000 It doesn't matter.

01:25:16.000 And I was feeling a little bad.

01:25:17.000 I was like, I wish I could do it over again.

01:25:18.000 We talked about it.

01:25:19.000 And a guy tweets me, this guy tweets me a video of his one year old daughter laughing her ass off at my special.

01:25:27.000 I was like, what a fucking great thing to do.

01:25:29.000 Literally, like, tweets it, and the kid is howling, and then you go to me on the screen and come back to her face, and the kid is fucking howling at my jokes!

01:25:38.000 It was such a fucking great tweet.

01:25:40.000 I was like, that's what I love about, you know, This whole technology is...

01:25:45.000 You can't connect to really good people.

01:25:47.000 Yeah, it brings you...

01:25:48.000 It just brings everybody together and, you know, I don't know.

01:25:50.000 Like-minded people.

01:25:51.000 Yeah, like-minded people.

01:25:52.000 They know you're a nice guy and nice people are attracted to that.

01:25:55.000 Yeah.

01:25:55.000 You know, the shows that we've been getting at...

01:25:57.000 I filmed my special in Atlanta a couple weeks ago.

01:26:00.000 The crowds, they're better than any crowd that you could reasonably hope to ever get in your life, ever.

01:26:06.000 I believe it.

01:26:06.000 And they're there at every show.

01:26:07.000 It's like the same kind of crowds at every show.

01:26:09.000 Well, I was in Canada, I was in Toronto, and Yuck Yucks, and I had a bunch of people that listened to your podcast.

01:26:14.000 So they came out to see me.

01:26:16.000 Oh, by the way, I'll be in Houston June 14th, 15th, and 16th at the Houston Improv.

01:26:21.000 That place is fun.

01:26:22.000 Yeah, and then I'll be at, I'm going to be at Kansas City, Stanford and Sons, June 20th, 22nd.

01:26:28.000 Oh, that guy's classic.

01:26:29.000 Oh, Craig Glazer?

01:26:31.000 Yeah.

01:26:31.000 He's awesome.

01:26:32.000 Brian Callen, if you come in this week and do some comedy.

01:26:35.000 That's a good Craig Glazer right there.

01:26:37.000 Make me some blue fried potatoes.

01:26:40.000 He's the greatest.

01:26:41.000 He's the greatest.

01:26:42.000 He introduced me to a stripper that had a tattoo of a stripper on her back.

01:26:47.000 Yeah.

01:26:48.000 And it looked like a five-year-old had drawn it.

01:26:52.000 I mean, it was like the worst tattoo of a...

01:26:54.000 She was such a pretty girl, too.

01:26:56.000 And then I had this spark moment of like, this girl needs to be rescued.

01:27:01.000 Hardcore.

01:27:01.000 I thought that would have been me.

01:27:02.000 You could totally have taken her.

01:27:04.000 She was really pretty.

01:27:05.000 Yeah.

01:27:05.000 But this tattoo was just like this giant warning sign.

01:27:11.000 There's something really wrong here.

01:27:13.000 This is complete craziness.

01:27:15.000 The tattoo was so bad, man.

01:27:18.000 You would have to kill the person who put that tattoo on your body.

01:27:21.000 You would have to kill them.

01:27:22.000 There's no way they would not be able to pay you enough in court to make you feel good about it.

01:27:27.000 I've never known what to get as a tattoo.

01:27:28.000 That was another thing.

01:27:29.000 It just wasn't me.

01:27:30.000 How about just man class?

01:27:31.000 How about a Prius?

01:27:32.000 Man class and then TM. Did you see the picture of my man class?

01:27:38.000 Go to briancallan.com and they superimpose my body to look really muscular.

01:27:44.000 Show Joe.

01:27:45.000 Show that.

01:27:45.000 It's so stupid.

01:27:47.000 They make me look really muscular.

01:27:49.000 How muscular?

01:27:49.000 Bodybuilder muscular?

01:27:50.000 Yeah, you'll see.

01:27:51.000 It's so dumb.

01:27:52.000 Why did they do that?

01:27:53.000 Did you allow them to do that?

01:27:54.000 Yeah, I wanted them to.

01:27:55.000 I wanted two girls to be clutching each leg and I'm standing with fire.

01:27:58.000 It's so cheesy.

01:27:59.000 It's so cheesy.

01:28:00.000 It looks like the shittiest...

01:28:02.000 Why would you do that?

01:28:03.000 Would it be even funnier if you did it in your underwear with your real body?

01:28:07.000 I wanted to, but we were like, ah, fuck it.

01:28:09.000 We just had that.

01:28:11.000 It's so creepy looking.

01:28:11.000 Yeah, you look like Husamar Palhares.

01:28:13.000 Look at that.

01:28:14.000 You look like some big Brazilian guy.

01:28:17.000 I'm very good with the late luck.

01:28:18.000 I just saw Fabrizio Verdum down in Venice outside Jelena, this restaurant.

01:28:22.000 Man, class.

01:28:23.000 What a stud that guy is.

01:28:24.000 Fucking stud.

01:28:26.000 He's a big boy.

01:28:26.000 Yeah, he's a big boy.

01:28:28.000 I'm a fucking baboon.

01:28:30.000 I'm a fruit thrower.

01:28:31.000 I live in the trees when that guy's around.

01:28:33.000 He's a silverback.

01:28:34.000 I'm literally like...

01:28:35.000 Yeah, Fabricio Redoom's a bad motherfucker when it comes to jiu-jitsu.

01:28:39.000 Do you see that fight with Roy Nelson?

01:28:40.000 It took Roy Nelson's back within seconds of the fight.

01:28:43.000 Roy threw a big punch, missed, and Fabricio had his back.

01:28:46.000 You're not doing a thing with him.

01:28:48.000 I was watching him.

01:28:49.000 He was just sitting on the curb, actually.

01:28:51.000 I think he was texting, and I was looking at him, and I said to my buddy, I go, I think I'm right about this.

01:28:55.000 On the ground, on the ground, there may be one other person on the planet that could actually tap that guy.

01:29:03.000 Maybe.

01:29:03.000 Who knows?

01:29:04.000 Maybe not.

01:29:04.000 Yeah, maybe not.

01:29:05.000 But what he's great at, man, his fucking guard is ridiculous.

01:29:09.000 He's one of the hardest guys to ground and pound.

01:29:11.000 Like Ryan Parsons, he manages Mayhem, used to manage King Moe, and a lot of those guys.

01:29:17.000 We talk about when they would be training with Fabricio, the ground and pound just did not work on him.

01:29:22.000 He was just so good at putting feet on hips and his guard is so active.

01:29:26.000 He's a fucking top of the food chain black belt.

01:29:29.000 And really good off his back for a giant man.

01:29:32.000 He's a natural 260. He's a big fucking guy.

01:29:37.000 It's no steroids.

01:29:38.000 He's just a natural 260. He's so good at like his dexterity with his legs, like moving his legs.

01:29:43.000 That's why like when Fedor fell to his guard, I remember watching it.

01:29:46.000 My eyes went up.

01:29:47.000 I was like, really?

01:29:48.000 Like how ballsy is this guy?

01:29:50.000 And then all of a sudden he caught Fedor in the triangle and I was like, he's fucked, man.

01:29:53.000 I'm like, this is not a regular triangle.

01:29:55.000 You are not getting out of that, son.

01:29:56.000 And then when he started breaking his arm, Fedor finally tapped.

01:29:59.000 But watching that, I was like, as soon as Fedor went to his guard, my immediate instinct was like, wow, this guy's crazy.

01:30:06.000 Why would you think that you could get locked up by this dude?

01:30:09.000 And then I thought about it.

01:30:09.000 I was like, he probably never fought anybody like Verdum in his whole life except for Minotauro.

01:30:14.000 And Minotauro couldn't catch him.

01:30:15.000 So he probably felt if Minotauro couldn't catch him, this guy can't catch him either.

01:30:19.000 But that's how good Fabrizio Verdum's guard is.

01:30:22.000 Probably the best heavyweight guard in MMA. Frank Mir is pretty goddamn good, too, man.

01:30:26.000 Frank Mir catches you.

01:30:28.000 He's so good at jiu-jitsu, man.

01:30:29.000 He's so explosive, too.

01:30:31.000 And he breaks shit, man.

01:30:32.000 He's like, no one has had the record of breaking shit in the MMA world like Frank Mir.

01:30:37.000 Jesus!

01:30:39.000 If Steve Mazzagotti had fucked up for one extra second, because he missed a tap and he didn't rush in and stop it quick enough, if it had gone on for just a couple extra seconds, that knee could have blown out.

01:30:50.000 It scares me.

01:30:50.000 He broke Tim Sylvia's arm, and then of course he broke Noguera's arm.

01:30:53.000 I mean, he's a big boy, too.

01:30:56.000 Frank Mir's a solid 260 now.

01:30:58.000 He's going to fight Mr. Junior Dos Santos.

01:31:01.000 Yeah, in May.

01:31:03.000 That's going to be...

01:31:04.000 Fuck yeah, that's going to be amazing.

01:31:05.000 I can't wait for that.

01:31:06.000 I really was hoping to see Overeem.

01:31:08.000 Of course, yeah.

01:31:10.000 Apparently Overeem says that he took a shot by a doctor that was an anti-inflammatory and it had testosterone in it.

01:31:16.000 He didn't know about it.

01:31:18.000 And this doctor is apparently a very controversial doctor.

01:31:23.000 And the doctor's got in trouble for some things.

01:31:25.000 He did put on 50 pounds of muscle.

01:31:28.000 Listen, it's only 50. It's just 50 pounds of muscle in your 30s.

01:31:32.000 But I'm sure that was all eating a lot of steak and drinking roll milk.

01:31:35.000 No, horse meat.

01:31:36.000 Is that what it was?

01:31:36.000 Oh, okay.

01:31:37.000 He ate a lot of horse meat.

01:31:37.000 Interesting.

01:31:38.000 Have you ever seen 60 steaks stacked up?

01:31:40.000 Go to the supermarket.

01:31:43.000 Go to the supermarket and just stop and think about 60 steaks.

01:31:47.000 It's from pull-ups and rolling jiu-jitsu, dude.

01:31:48.000 What are you talking about?

01:31:49.000 Listen, I don't care how it got there.

01:31:50.000 Just keep it on.

01:31:51.000 It looks great.

01:31:52.000 He looks good.

01:31:52.000 He's a goddamn superhero.

01:31:53.000 I met him.

01:31:54.000 I met him and talked to him for a brief, a little bit, about his Brock fight, and he had nothing but respectful things to say.

01:32:00.000 Listen, man, all the roids in the world is only going to do you so much good.

01:32:03.000 What does Aleister Overeem good is that he can fight his fucking ass off.

01:32:07.000 He's a scary fighter.

01:32:09.000 You can talk all the shit you want about his roids that may or may not have...

01:32:15.000 Taken.

01:32:16.000 I don't know.

01:32:16.000 He trains hard.

01:32:18.000 He's a very tactical fighter.

01:32:20.000 Skilled fighter.

01:32:20.000 Dude, his fucking fight with Brock was a beatdown.

01:32:24.000 That was a good, convincing fight to let Brock Lesnar know.

01:32:27.000 He does not want to have any part of any people like that.

01:32:30.000 When he kicked him in the body, you saw that shin kick to the liver.

01:32:33.000 I don't think...

01:32:34.000 In your 30s like Brock in your late 30s or whatever he was, you can't learn how to strike.

01:32:40.000 No way.

01:32:41.000 Not at that level.

01:32:41.000 Not with high level guys.

01:32:42.000 No way.

01:32:43.000 He's so ridiculous.

01:32:43.000 And learning to take a punch.

01:32:45.000 He's essentially a blue belt in striking.

01:32:46.000 A big, strong, athletic blue belt.

01:32:48.000 And he's taking on a 10th degree black belt.

01:32:50.000 He's taking on a K-1 Grand Prix champion.

01:32:52.000 It's not going to happen.

01:32:53.000 I mean, Alistair Overeem, as far as, like, decorated fighters in MMA, he's the most decorated striker, period.

01:32:59.000 He won the Grand Prix.

01:33:00.000 Even though Badr Hari wasn't in it that year, he still won the goddamn Grand Prix.

01:33:05.000 No one's ever done that and then been a high-level MMA guy.

01:33:08.000 It's so impressive.

01:33:09.000 He came out of those Dutch schools, which are the best kicks in boxing.

01:33:13.000 I mean...

01:33:13.000 Savages!

01:33:15.000 You're not going to be able to bang with dudes who've been doing that for the past 10 years.

01:33:20.000 They're so technical, too, man.

01:33:22.000 The Dutch guys are so technical.

01:33:23.000 You've got to give Brock Lesnar a lot of credit to anybody, obviously.

01:33:26.000 I have such respect for anybody who gets in that fucking octagon.

01:33:30.000 But it's really hard.

01:33:32.000 When I watched him lose to Cain Velasquez, I remember thinking to myself, I said, it's really hard to meet those hands when you're...

01:33:40.000 You can't just...

01:33:42.000 You know, bang and protect yourself against a guy who's been boxing that long.

01:33:46.000 It's really hard to do, you know?

01:33:48.000 It's very hard to do, especially when you're coming off a fucking surgery to your bowels.

01:33:52.000 Yeah, and Kane can also...

01:33:53.000 He'll take a punch.

01:33:55.000 You can punch him in the face and he keeps his eyes open.

01:33:57.000 Did he have the Kane fight?

01:33:59.000 Was that fight pre-surgery?

01:34:01.000 How did it go?

01:34:03.000 I believe that that was actually...

01:34:05.000 No, I think that was after.

01:34:07.000 I believe it was.

01:34:08.000 Because he had diverticulitis, right?

01:34:09.000 Right.

01:34:09.000 I think what happened was he had the cane fight and then he was supposed to have another fight.

01:34:15.000 Right.

01:34:15.000 And then realized...

01:34:17.000 When he was supposed to fight Junior Dos Santos, right?

01:34:19.000 Yeah.

01:34:19.000 And then he realized that he had to back out because of diverticulitis.

01:34:22.000 He almost died, I think.

01:34:23.000 He had 12 inches of his colon removed.

01:34:25.000 Goddamn.

01:34:26.000 Yeah, the whole thing is just so crazy.

01:34:28.000 The fact that it came from, you know, eating meat without fiber and that it can be that dangerous.

01:34:34.000 Yeah, that it can back up inside your body and the walls of your lining of your gut get caked with excess protein.

01:34:41.000 I didn't know that's what it was.

01:34:42.000 It creates abscesses and it can actually eat its way through the wall and the lining of your body.

01:34:46.000 It's super duper dangerous.

01:34:48.000 And apparently he cleared it up initially with diet, and they were worried that he was going to need surgery, but he cleared it up with diet.

01:34:54.000 But then as he's training, the real heavy, high-level training breaks your immune system down so much, it started coming back.

01:35:00.000 And then they realized, this is a damaged area that's never going to quite fully heal, so we have to cut it out.

01:35:05.000 So then they went in there and they cut out 12 inches of his colon, and then put it all back together.

01:35:12.000 By Alistair Overeem.

01:35:26.000 And it's just perfect technique, giant legs slamming into your body.

01:35:32.000 I remember watching Boss Rutten kick a bag at Beverly Hills Jiu Jitsu.

01:35:37.000 This is like literally 12 years ago.

01:35:39.000 And I was watching him roundhouse kick this bag.

01:35:43.000 And I was just like...

01:35:44.000 The power and the force of that guy, that just...

01:35:46.000 I was just like...

01:35:47.000 Boss could hit hard.

01:35:48.000 What an athlete.

01:35:50.000 I was just like...

01:35:50.000 I remember thinking to myself, getting kicked in the leg or the side with that, you're done.

01:35:54.000 You should see Boss kicking the pads.

01:35:57.000 There's like videos of him kicking the tie pads.

01:35:59.000 He did it very differently.

01:36:01.000 Like a lot of guys, what they would do is they would hit the pads...

01:36:04.000 Or hit the bag, and they would sort of pace themselves.

01:36:07.000 They do a round, but they wouldn't throw everything full blast.

01:36:10.000 Boss would throw every punch, every kick, 100%.

01:36:14.000 He goes, that's what I do, 100%.

01:36:16.000 He's like, I start off, I can only do 30 seconds, so that's what I would do.

01:36:19.000 I'd do 30 second rounds.

01:36:21.000 He's another guy who was really good at keeping things light, and even his fighting.

01:36:25.000 He was always good at just being playful.

01:36:27.000 I think that's how he dealt with the pressure.

01:36:28.000 Well, his strategy for training was that he would do one minute full blast, as much as he could do, full blast, and then he would start adding time onto that.

01:36:38.000 You know, he'd do a minute and 10 seconds, a minute and 20 seconds.

01:36:40.000 Next thing you know, it's two minutes.

01:36:41.000 Next thing you know, he can go five minutes like a fucking jackhammer.

01:36:45.000 In this book, Extreme Fear, it's really interesting.

01:36:48.000 They do a clinical study of fear, and fear in different forms, like Fear, combat fear, and performance fear, whether you're a performer or whether you're an opera singer or you're an actor, but mainly athletes, and a lot of athletes get what they call the yips, like in the middle of their career, when they're high level, like all of a sudden they can't throw a baseball over a plate, yet they're the best pitcher, you know, and it's because what happens is...

01:37:14.000 People start to watch them.

01:37:16.000 Dan Jensen, I think that's his name, the most decorated speed skater of all time, three Olympics in a row, he just fucking just kept choking.

01:37:25.000 Really?

01:37:26.000 He kept choking until finally he just gave up, just because he got into his own head, and he had to learn how to talk to himself.

01:37:32.000 Finally, he goes, fuck it.

01:37:33.000 I guess I'll just skate this thousand meter, and he apologized to Wisconsin.

01:37:38.000 Ahead of time to say, hey guys, I'm not going to win this.

01:37:43.000 Sorry.

01:37:43.000 Sorry, Milwaukee.

01:37:45.000 Or sorry, Wisconsin.

01:37:46.000 And because he gave up and there was no pressure on him whatsoever, he won the fucking gold.

01:37:50.000 And they talk about how a lot of athletes and a lot of people in general, that fear, that second guessing, that self-doubt when you're working on a high level and trying to be the best at something, It's something that you have to come to terms with.

01:38:05.000 And there are psychological techniques in which to deal with it, but it's so interesting to me that human beings that perform on such a high level and have so much success and get so good at something still have dragons to slay.

01:38:17.000 They still have fucking psychological dragons to slay.

01:38:20.000 It never ends.

01:38:21.000 You know when you really have a dragon to slay?

01:38:23.000 When you think that you don't have a dragon to slay.

01:38:25.000 That's when you're really fucked.

01:38:26.000 And that's what happens to a lot of people.

01:38:28.000 They reach a certain point, whether it's artistically, whether it's athletically, they reach a certain point where they feel like they've made it or they're beyond reproach or they're not hungry or growing anymore and stagnation sets in and then mediocrity is coming next.

01:38:41.000 Absolutely.

01:38:42.000 And one of the things I always find with young people, and I think a lot of young people listen to this, is that self-doubt always stops people.

01:38:49.000 But you've got to realize that successful people, all successful people, have self-doubt.

01:38:54.000 They just learn not to indulge it.

01:38:56.000 They learn to ignore it or they use it to their advantage.

01:39:01.000 Self-doubt is a human emotion.

01:39:04.000 It's there.

01:39:05.000 Not believing in yourself is human, but you can learn how to deal with that.

01:39:10.000 That should never stop you from going for things.

01:39:12.000 So what if you don't believe in yourself?

01:39:14.000 So take the action anyway.

01:39:15.000 Take the first fucking step, right?

01:39:17.000 That's what you see with this.

01:39:18.000 And one of the things that I think is so interesting is you see people with, oh, this is great.

01:39:21.000 This guy who's this therapist, he deals with a lot of top CEOs, like big-time fucking people who run huge corporations.

01:39:29.000 And they don't want anybody knowing that they see him, but they'll see him and they'll bill out at $500 an hour or whatever, but he gets results.

01:39:36.000 And I said, what's the overriding thing you have to help very successful people with?

01:39:43.000 I'm talking about big-time business leaders and big-time athletes.

01:39:46.000 And you know what he said?

01:39:48.000 He was talking about business leaders.

01:39:49.000 He goes, most of them feel like frauds.

01:39:54.000 And I went, really?

01:39:55.000 And he goes, yeah, most of them feel like they don't deserve to be where they are.

01:39:59.000 They feel like they're going to be found out.

01:40:01.000 They feel generally like they're frauds.

01:40:03.000 Like they just got there by fucking, just the God smiled on them and now they're here and what the fuck do they do?

01:40:10.000 And I was like, God, that's crazy shit.

01:40:12.000 You see these people who run entire corporations and in their hearts they feel like complete frauds.

01:40:18.000 That's human.

01:40:19.000 I think you have to have a certain amount of humility to achieve excellence.

01:40:22.000 Yeah.

01:40:22.000 And in that humility there's going to come an observing eye upon you that's so critical.

01:40:28.000 Your self-observations are so much more critical than anybody else's observations to you if you're good at it because you know yourself more than anybody does.

01:40:36.000 You're with yourself 24 hours a day.

01:40:38.000 So a guy like that, of course, is going to look at himself going, you fucking pussy.

01:40:42.000 You're faking this whole thing.

01:40:43.000 Right.

01:40:43.000 Because really his way of looking at himself is he's not really impressed with himself.

01:40:47.000 Right.

01:40:48.000 Which is why he's done so well in the first place.

01:40:49.000 Well, I couldn't watch my one-hour special.

01:40:50.000 I fucking hated it.

01:40:52.000 I went into a funk.

01:40:53.000 Yeah.

01:40:54.000 Because I know I'm much better than that.

01:40:55.000 Yeah.

01:40:55.000 You've got to be careful with that.

01:40:57.000 You can really fuck your head up.

01:40:58.000 Yeah.

01:40:58.000 Again, watch my old shit.

01:41:00.000 If I watch my old shit, I'll get disgusted with myself.

01:41:02.000 I'm the same way.

01:41:03.000 Sloppy timing.

01:41:04.000 And I thought I was great.

01:41:06.000 I'm killing the room.

01:41:07.000 The audience is going crazy.

01:41:08.000 Then I watch it and I'm like, what the fuck is this?

01:41:11.000 You know what's really fucked up, man?

01:41:12.000 Try watching some old comedy.

01:41:14.000 I mean, you're growing and you're getting better, but try watching some shit from Bob Hope from the 1950s.

01:41:20.000 Try watching that.

01:41:21.000 It's dated, dude.

01:41:22.000 My God, is it dated.

01:41:23.000 It's craziness.

01:41:24.000 You know what kind of holds up?

01:41:25.000 Who?

01:41:25.000 Fucking Don Rickles.

01:41:27.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:27.000 Oh, my God.

01:41:28.000 He holds up.

01:41:29.000 He's still around.

01:41:30.000 Yeah, he's still throwing down.

01:41:31.000 He was just in Vegas in April.

01:41:33.000 Jesus Christ.

01:41:34.000 He tweets Don Rickles.

01:41:35.000 Does he?

01:41:35.000 Yeah, he's a good Twitter.

01:41:36.000 What's his Twitter?

01:41:37.000 He said to Bob Saget, when Bob Saget was doing dirty work, he was directing a thing, and he comes to set, and he goes, he comes up to Bob Saget, and he goes, Yeah, I'm here to do this movie for you.

01:41:48.000 I understand you're directing the movie.

01:41:50.000 I told Mr. Martin Scorsese.

01:41:51.000 I said I just came from, by the way.

01:41:53.000 I just told Martin Scorsese that you were directing a film.

01:41:56.000 The man clutched his chest.

01:42:00.000 I'm already following him.

01:42:01.000 It's Don Rickles.

01:42:02.000 I gotta follow him.

01:42:03.000 D-O-N-R-I-C-K-L-E-S. Yeah, he's got good tweets.

01:42:06.000 Don Rickles is a monster.

01:42:08.000 Let's get him on a podcast.

01:42:09.000 That would be amazing.

01:42:10.000 Yeah, he's a still funny old dude.

01:42:13.000 Some guys can keep it up, man.

01:42:15.000 In comedy, there's not that many.

01:42:18.000 There's a certain age that a lot of them hit.

01:42:20.000 Very few get to be like George Carlin, who was really funny right till his death.

01:42:24.000 He also decided somewhere along the line to not just do jokes.

01:42:29.000 He was like, I want to talk about stuff that matters to me.

01:42:32.000 Yeah, and he was so prolific.

01:42:34.000 Look at Don Rickles' latest photo.

01:42:36.000 He has a picture of him and his cat.

01:42:38.000 I mean, John Rivers.

01:42:39.000 He's almost 90, dude.

01:42:40.000 John Rivers is not Don Rickles.

01:42:42.000 No, no, no.

01:42:43.000 I mean, his latest photo, she looks like a cat.

01:42:45.000 Oh, okay.

01:42:46.000 Like, there's a photo of him and her in, like, a green room or something like that.

01:42:48.000 And she looks like a puma.

01:42:51.000 Whoa.

01:42:51.000 Isn't that weird looking?

01:42:55.000 Dude.

01:42:56.000 Okay, do you remember the time?

01:42:58.000 I like her too, by the way.

01:42:58.000 Still doing it.

01:42:59.000 Are you seeing that face, man?

01:43:00.000 Pull that picture up, man.

01:43:03.000 75 years old.

01:43:04.000 I went into the green room once at the Breyer Improv, and I just arrived, and me and Joey Diaz smoked weed in the parking lot.

01:43:12.000 We just blitzkrieged.

01:43:14.000 That initial rush of intoxication where you're really too high to be talking.

01:43:19.000 Words are not going to come to you.

01:43:20.000 You're awash in a wave of feeling and weirdness and I sit down, I look up, and there's some Joan Rivers reality show.

01:43:28.000 And I'm looking at her face.

01:43:31.000 I'm looking at her poor face.

01:43:32.000 And her face is a goddamn mask.

01:43:34.000 It's not a face.

01:43:36.000 Look at that.

01:43:38.000 Come on, Joan.

01:43:38.000 And that's when she's not talking.

01:43:42.000 But when she's moving, it's all stuffed out there with fillers and stuff that keep your skin from looking wrinkly.

01:43:50.000 You have to stretch your skin out.

01:43:52.000 There's a reason in the Judeo-Christian mythology vanity is one of the seven deadly sins, right?

01:43:57.000 It's scary.

01:43:57.000 Vanity eats itself.

01:43:58.000 It's a snake eating its own tail.

01:44:00.000 Pull that picture up again, Brian.

01:44:02.000 You're worshipping false gods, you know?

01:44:04.000 Dov and I were talking about that.

01:44:05.000 Like, what happens to you when you worship false gods, when you worship money, shiny things, when you worship even your own looks?

01:44:11.000 But that's craziness.

01:44:12.000 You run into some fucking problems.

01:44:13.000 Don Rickles is actually a little better looking and a little younger looking in some ways than she is.

01:44:17.000 Oh, well, at least he looks natural.

01:44:19.000 He doesn't offend you when you look at him.

01:44:21.000 He looks like Don Barris' dad.

01:44:23.000 Yeah, but you look at Don Rickles, you're like, there's a guy.

01:44:25.000 Hi, mister.

01:44:27.000 How are you, sir?

01:44:28.000 But if you look at her, you're like, oh my god, this lady's wearing a mask.

01:44:30.000 That's the craziest thing I've ever seen.

01:44:31.000 She looks like she has a kabuki mask on.

01:44:33.000 Yeah.

01:44:34.000 Jesus!

01:44:35.000 It's like an Egyptian drawing.

01:44:37.000 With the nose, how it's like straight down.

01:44:39.000 She looks like she's fighting G-forces.

01:44:42.000 She's literally falling through the air.

01:44:44.000 And does it make her happy?

01:44:46.000 I don't know.

01:44:47.000 She's obviously working a lot.

01:44:49.000 She's happy to be working.

01:44:50.000 She does a lot of jokes about her plastic surgery.

01:44:53.000 Yeah, but I think that's one of those people that I think is driven by a hole they can never fill.

01:44:58.000 God bless her.

01:44:59.000 I love her.

01:44:59.000 But I think that...

01:45:00.000 She's certainly driven by a sense of her own inadequacy in some way.

01:45:05.000 I heard a documentary is amazing.

01:45:07.000 Yeah, so did I. You haven't seen it?

01:45:09.000 No, but I want to see it.

01:45:10.000 Did you see it, Brian?

01:45:11.000 It's on my list.

01:45:11.000 No.

01:45:12.000 I heard it was really good, but it just doesn't seem entertaining enough for me.

01:45:16.000 I don't know.

01:45:16.000 I'm sure it's good.

01:45:17.000 I've heard really good things, but I think that's somebody who never came to terms with With who she is.

01:45:26.000 She never let go of something.

01:45:27.000 She's still trying to hold on.

01:45:29.000 It's actually a form of madness.

01:45:31.000 To hold on to your youth like that is just mad.

01:45:35.000 It's actually crazy.

01:45:38.000 It's another pattern.

01:45:39.000 You know, it's a pattern just like the people that stuff the fucking plates in their lips.

01:45:42.000 Yeah.

01:45:43.000 There's a crazy pattern of plastic surgery that a lot of women engage in, and they start getting nips and tucks.

01:45:48.000 Is that her?

01:45:49.000 Yeah, look how hot she used to be.

01:45:50.000 Oh my god, look at her.

01:45:51.000 She was great.

01:45:52.000 Can you turn it on so we can hear it?

01:45:53.000 Yeah.

01:45:54.000 She was great.

01:45:54.000 All he has to be is clean and able to pick up the check.

01:45:57.000 He's a winner.

01:45:57.000 You know that.

01:45:59.000 A man can call up anybody in the whole world.

01:46:02.000 You know that?

01:46:03.000 Hello, I saw your name in the locker room.

01:46:04.000 I thought I'd give you a quick call.

01:46:07.000 A girl can't call.

01:46:10.000 Girl, you have to wait for the phone to ring, right?

01:46:12.000 And when you finally go on the date, the girl has to be well-dressed, the face has to look nice, the hair has to be in shape, the girl has to be the one that's bright and pretty, intelligent, a good sport?

01:46:23.000 Howard Johnson's again, hooray, hooray!

01:46:27.000 Kills me!

01:46:29.000 That's actually pretty funny.

01:46:30.000 She's great.

01:46:30.000 A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married, you're an old maid.

01:46:34.000 A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married, he's a catch.

01:46:37.000 It's a whole different thing!

01:46:41.000 It took guts back then, too.

01:46:44.000 It took guts.

01:46:44.000 Look at that, man.

01:46:45.000 Yeah.

01:46:45.000 Look at her.

01:46:46.000 She's pumping fists and shit.

01:46:46.000 She kind of has a Sarah Silverman type kind of feel to her.

01:46:50.000 Bring him along.

01:46:51.000 Bring him along.

01:46:52.000 He's 98. Bring him.

01:46:53.000 Bring him.

01:46:55.000 He's dead.

01:46:56.000 Run on.

01:46:58.000 We'll prop him.

01:47:00.000 Just bring him.

01:47:01.000 We'll say he's quiet.

01:47:03.000 I know what I'm speaking about, because my mother had two of us at home that weren't, as the expression goes, moving.

01:47:09.000 And I'm from a little town called Larchmont, where if you're not married, you're a girl, and you're over 21, you're better off dead.

01:47:20.000 It's that simple, you know?

01:47:21.000 And I was the last girl in Larchmont!

01:47:25.000 Do you know how that feels?

01:47:26.000 Sitting around my mother's house, 21, 22, 24, having a good time, living, eating candy bars, enjoying myself, but single!

01:47:36.000 And the neighbors would come over and they'd say to my mother, how's Joan?

01:47:39.000 Still not married?

01:47:41.000 And my mother would say, if she were alive, do you know how that hurts?

01:47:45.000 When you're sitting right there?

01:47:51.000 Some of it's a little dated, but some of it's pretty funny.

01:47:54.000 She's sexy.

01:47:55.000 Would you like that, Brian?

01:47:57.000 She's pretty sexy.

01:47:58.000 Would you try to get her a podcast if she was today?

01:48:03.000 Yeah, I would love to have her on a podcast.

01:48:05.000 No, no, no, that's not what I mean.

01:48:06.000 I mean, if you saw her back then, would you be like, hey, want to do a podcast?

01:48:09.000 Oh, yeah, totally.

01:48:10.000 You might hear about me on the internet and come on in and do a podcast.

01:48:14.000 You would try to hit it?

01:48:15.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

01:48:17.000 I wouldn't, actually.

01:48:18.000 I'd never try to date a...

01:48:19.000 A comic?

01:48:20.000 Really?

01:48:21.000 That's interesting.

01:48:21.000 I would think you would...

01:48:23.000 I think because I see...

01:48:24.000 You have, though, right?

01:48:25.000 I see the...

01:48:25.000 No, never, never.

01:48:27.000 I see the...

01:48:28.000 I love...

01:48:28.000 I mean, look, I love certain comics.

01:48:30.000 I love Sierra Tiana.

01:48:31.000 Anybody who ever dated her would be lucky.

01:48:34.000 Yeah, I agree.

01:48:35.000 I got a lot of friends like that.

01:48:37.000 But, I mean, a lot of...

01:48:39.000 I love Liza Schlesinger.

01:48:41.000 She's my friend.

01:48:42.000 I think she's...

01:48:43.000 I just like her.

01:48:44.000 I think she's a person.

01:48:44.000 She's funny.

01:48:45.000 But you wouldn't want to date?

01:48:46.000 No, I don't know about that.

01:48:47.000 Those two girls I can see, you know, because they're friends of mine, I can see dating someone like that.

01:48:51.000 So I don't want to say I wouldn't date a comic.

01:48:53.000 It's rare.

01:48:54.000 Yeah, I'm just watching her and I kind of, I see a lot of a need to be, an overwhelming need to be loved.

01:49:00.000 And coupled with the fact that that's her first love when she's on stage, that's a lot to compete with.

01:49:06.000 You know, two comics is tough to make work because you're both coming together like with your own crazy shit.

01:49:13.000 Yeah, you know who it works with?

01:49:15.000 Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky?

01:49:17.000 They at work.

01:49:18.000 Tom Segura, by the way, is a great fucking guy.

01:49:20.000 He's a fucking awesome guy.

01:49:20.000 He's a great...

01:49:21.000 I got to know him recently, and we did this mashup, Comedy Central mashup together.

01:49:25.000 He's such a fucking nice, supportive dude who's genuine.

01:49:29.000 He'll be like, you're fucking hilarious.

01:49:31.000 He's just a great...

01:49:32.000 Just one of those guys not competing with you.

01:49:34.000 He's not trying to one-up.

01:49:35.000 He's just genuinely happy for you.

01:49:37.000 Yeah, he's an awesome dude.

01:49:39.000 He's a rare gift.

01:49:41.000 That guy.

01:49:42.000 We did that whole Maxim comic tour, you know, with me and Hefron and Charlie Murphy.

01:49:47.000 We did it in every town.

01:49:48.000 They had, like, a local guy would go up and do, like, ten minutes.

01:49:50.000 Yeah.

01:49:51.000 And we did it in Phoenix, and somehow or another, Segura was on, because he's not really from Phoenix, but he was in the area or whatever.

01:49:57.000 So he went up, and I was like, holy shit, this guy's funny.

01:50:00.000 And it was like, his timing and his rhythm were so good.

01:50:06.000 I'm like, how the fuck do I not know about this guy?

01:50:07.000 Yeah.

01:50:08.000 It's one of those weird things.

01:50:09.000 Yeah.

01:50:10.000 It kind of weirded me out.

01:50:13.000 How come this guy's not famous?

01:50:14.000 He kind of lets the audience reach for him.

01:50:16.000 That's a different thing.

01:50:18.000 She's controlling the space and she's going to make you like her no matter what.

01:50:21.000 Sigoura just kind of sits up there like, whatever, I'm just going to talk and he's fucking hilarious.

01:50:24.000 He's got a big midget bit though.

01:50:26.000 He does?

01:50:27.000 Yeah.

01:50:28.000 He asked me about it, and I was like, man, really?

01:50:30.000 Do midgets need more people shitting on them?

01:50:32.000 Yeah.

01:50:33.000 You know?

01:50:34.000 Well, also, because I'm friends with Brad Williams, so I don't like...

01:50:36.000 Yeah.

01:50:36.000 I love the guy, so, you know.

01:50:38.000 He's so good.

01:50:38.000 Or little people, rather.

01:50:40.000 Little people.

01:50:40.000 You know, I would like to get that.

01:50:41.000 Well, there's dwarves, there are midgets...

01:50:43.000 Yeah.

01:50:43.000 But you're not supposed to ever say midget, apparently.

01:50:46.000 Did you ever see that fucking office, the British one, where they're like, well, there are dwarves, there are midgets, there are sprites, there are elves.

01:50:53.000 It's like, are they real?

01:50:54.000 Yes, they're real, you idiot.

01:50:55.000 They have this debate about all the different small people.

01:50:58.000 You can YouTube it.

01:50:59.000 It's really, really funny.

01:51:01.000 Have you seen those people that they found that lived 10,000 years ago that really were tiny people on the island of Flores?

01:51:06.000 No.

01:51:07.000 You've never seen that?

01:51:08.000 No.

01:51:08.000 The Flores Hobbit Man?

01:51:10.000 Really?

01:51:10.000 Oh my god, how do you not know about this?

01:51:11.000 Brian, pull that shit up so Brian can look at it.

01:51:13.000 That's pretty wild.

01:51:15.000 Yeah, apparently they lived alongside humans as recently as 10,000 years ago.

01:51:18.000 Wow.

01:51:19.000 They found their bodies.

01:51:20.000 Well, it's like pygmies.

01:51:21.000 It's like the pygmies of the Congo.

01:51:22.000 Something like that.

01:51:23.000 Pygmies are very small.

01:51:24.000 They were totally different.

01:51:25.000 They were a different species of human.

01:51:27.000 They had different, you know, their proportions were different.

01:51:31.000 I always forget that pygmies exist.

01:51:33.000 I know it's weird, but I always forget.

01:51:34.000 Sometimes I'll go, holy shit, pygmies are out there.

01:51:37.000 They're fucking pygmies in the Congo.

01:51:39.000 How tall are they?

01:51:40.000 They're like four feet tall and really muscular.

01:51:43.000 So what do you think happened?

01:51:44.000 That was the best way to be?

01:51:46.000 I think you evolved to your circumstances.

01:51:50.000 Maybe if there's not a lot of food.

01:51:52.000 The ones that survived were smaller.

01:51:54.000 I don't know.

01:51:55.000 It's definitely a genetic mutation.

01:51:57.000 It's a genetic strain of people.

01:51:59.000 They're proportioned.

01:52:01.000 They're not dwarves.

01:52:01.000 They're not midgets.

01:52:03.000 They're small people.

01:52:05.000 Have you ever seen the videos of them fishing in the Congo River?

01:52:09.000 Oh my god, look at how cute they are.

01:52:11.000 Yeah, that's how tall they were.

01:52:12.000 That's a depiction of them, but there's some better ones.

01:52:15.000 They're actual more technical ones than a dude with a fish over his dick.

01:52:19.000 What's up with that?

01:52:20.000 That guy right there.

01:52:21.000 The ones in the far right.

01:52:22.000 Yeah, all those.

01:52:24.000 Wow, fucking that's weird.

01:52:26.000 No, I meant the one that was right above that, Brian.

01:52:29.000 Yeah, that guy.

01:52:30.000 That's what he supposedly looked like.

01:52:32.000 How crazy is that?

01:52:33.000 Yeah, he's much more monkey-like.

01:52:35.000 Jesus.

01:52:35.000 But it was a type of human being.

01:52:38.000 That's incredible.

01:52:39.000 Yeah, apparently there were several different types of human beings, not just Neanderthals, not just Homo sapiens.

01:52:44.000 The real issue, and this is the number one issue, that other one is him as well, Brian, the depiction.

01:52:49.000 Right, bring up some pygmies.

01:52:50.000 Pull up that fake depiction to the second from the left.

01:52:55.000 Yeah, that one.

01:52:56.000 That's what he supposedly looked like if it was a real person.

01:53:00.000 Sexy as fuck.

01:53:00.000 If that's a girl, not my type.

01:53:02.000 He could be at the helm of some British band.

01:53:05.000 You know, some crazy, raucous British band.

01:53:08.000 I hate you.

01:53:08.000 You are correct.

01:53:09.000 Are you ready to walk New Zealand?

01:53:15.000 They apparently lived alongside a bunch of other ones.

01:53:18.000 What I was going to say is that what's really difficult is that everything that dies doesn't make a fossil.

01:53:25.000 So they find fossils, but they don't necessarily have a completely accurate record of everything that ever lived.

01:53:30.000 And they don't know how many holes are missing.

01:53:32.000 It's really difficult to tell.

01:53:33.000 They just found some recent fucking thing.

01:53:36.000 Some amateur paleontologist found some recent...

01:53:39.000 Some seven foot long thing with all this weird, crazy fucking skin.

01:53:44.000 They don't know what it was.

01:53:45.000 We've never seen this thing before.

01:53:46.000 Some new thing.

01:53:47.000 This is the first fossil of it that they found.

01:53:49.000 We'll just try to figure out what the fuck it is.

01:53:50.000 Sure, I'm sure there were life forms that just didn't make it.

01:53:53.000 Did you hear about the Titan boa that they just recently found?

01:53:55.000 Yes, I did.

01:53:56.000 Holy fucking shit, huh?

01:53:57.000 How about a boa constrictor that eats crocodiles?

01:54:00.000 It's the fucking craziest thing in the world.

01:54:01.000 That's a giant serpent.

01:54:03.000 65 foot long animal.

01:54:05.000 It's a dragon.

01:54:06.000 Confirmed size.

01:54:07.000 It's a dragon.

01:54:07.000 There were dragons, man.

01:54:08.000 Yeah.

01:54:09.000 You know, and that's the thing that there's a reason why all those myths exist.

01:54:12.000 Because things like the Komodo dragon, which by the way, will fucking kill you.

01:54:16.000 Hey, how about the fucking Nile crocodile?

01:54:18.000 Yeah.

01:54:19.000 Good luck with those.

01:54:19.000 28 feet long.

01:54:20.000 Yeah, good luck with the Nile crocodile.

01:54:22.000 Swim for miles out into the ocean.

01:54:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:54:24.000 Yeah.

01:54:24.000 Mm-hmm.

01:54:25.000 And I talked to a zoologist in Florida about it.

01:54:27.000 They're like, oh, oh, Nile Crocodiles will eat a tire.

01:54:30.000 If you throw a tire at it, sometimes they eat the tire.

01:54:33.000 I go, what do you mean?

01:54:33.000 They go, they eat everything!

01:54:34.000 I said everything.

01:54:35.000 He goes, everything!

01:54:37.000 They'll grab an elephant by the trunk.

01:54:39.000 There's video of it.

01:54:41.000 Have you seen the video of these dudes in the Congo that got, not video rather, it was a thing on CNN. There were three adventurers on kayaks and one of them got killed by a crocodile and they're depicting death on the Nile and they're just depicting this crocodile jacking them.

01:54:56.000 Yeah, but here's the thing.

01:54:57.000 Here, ready?

01:54:58.000 I'm not going on the fucking, I'm not going on the Nile.

01:55:01.000 It's like the thing I do.

01:55:03.000 It's like, oh, the Nile with crocodiles in a fucking kayak?

01:55:07.000 Nah!

01:55:08.000 I'll go rock climbing.

01:55:09.000 How's that sound in the Andes or in the Rockies?

01:55:12.000 And I won't even do that.

01:55:13.000 Or it's like, how about the woman who got her face eaten by...

01:55:16.000 I was thinking about that.

01:55:17.000 She gets attacked.

01:55:18.000 Yeah, hands and face eaten.

01:55:19.000 If you've got a 200-pound chimp just running around the house, I'm not fucking coming over.

01:55:25.000 Yeah.

01:55:25.000 I'll Skype with you, dude.

01:55:27.000 It's a man creature with six, seven times the upper body strength of a grown man with a three-year-old's brain.

01:55:30.000 That's a bad combination.

01:55:32.000 They said the crocodile was pulling the kayak under like a shake.

01:55:35.000 No!

01:55:35.000 As it was trying to pull the guy out of it because it turned him over.

01:55:38.000 Oh my God!

01:55:39.000 It reached up, grabbed him, and he's still stuck in the kayak.

01:55:42.000 Oh no!

01:55:42.000 So he's trying to hang on.

01:55:43.000 The crocodile pulled him and plopped him.

01:55:44.000 Oh no, no, no, no, no.

01:55:45.000 And then he just went under the water and they never saw it again.

01:55:47.000 Dude, I don't want any part of that shit.

01:55:49.000 I don't want to die by biting.

01:55:51.000 20 plus feet long.

01:55:52.000 I don't want to die by biting.

01:55:53.000 It's why I don't go swimming in the fucking Santa Monica Bay because there are great whites all over.

01:55:59.000 They just swim around.

01:56:00.000 How's that go?

01:56:01.000 This is a cool video of one that was taken right off the Malibu coast by a helicopter.

01:56:06.000 Saw it.

01:56:06.000 Crazy.

01:56:07.000 Just swimming around.

01:56:09.000 I know all about the Santa Monica Bay and great whites.

01:56:12.000 Thank you.

01:56:12.000 I'm old.

01:56:13.000 I'm like, saw it.

01:56:15.000 I'm obsessed.

01:56:15.000 I know of a couple of deaths, and they haunt me.

01:56:18.000 One of them was a guy that was in, they were training for a triathlon, and so they were swimming in the ocean, and there was something, there was quite a few of them, and one guy got bit in half by a great white, and that was right off of San Diego.

01:56:30.000 And then recently, in Santa Barbara, I think last year, a guy got bit in half again by another great white.

01:56:36.000 Yeah, because he was surfing in water.

01:56:38.000 He was bodyboarding.

01:56:40.000 He's bodyboarding.

01:56:41.000 And guess what?

01:56:43.000 Well, what they found was on that Geo that in the Santa Monica Pier at any given time, I think it's during the fall, there are as many great whites there as anywhere in the world.

01:56:52.000 That's where they come to breed.

01:56:53.000 So they're swimming among the pylons.

01:56:55.000 All right?

01:56:56.000 Guess who's not going swimming in that water?

01:56:58.000 Jesus Christ, that's scary.

01:57:00.000 I'm not going in that water.

01:57:01.000 If you had to choose what animal to die by, what would it be?

01:57:07.000 I would say a big cat because they kill you quick.

01:57:09.000 Yeah, because they know where your juggler is.

01:57:11.000 Yeah, you would just go out.

01:57:12.000 I'd go hamster.

01:57:13.000 You'd go right out.

01:57:13.000 It's like being choked.

01:57:14.000 You know how bad it would take for a hamster to kill you?

01:57:17.000 I asked Crystal Leah.

01:57:18.000 They'd have to tie you down and fill the hamster up with steroids.

01:57:20.000 I asked Crystal Leah, and we're all coming up, and Crystal Leah goes, ants.

01:57:24.000 I go, dude, that would be terrible.

01:57:25.000 He goes, I don't care, I'm brave.

01:57:28.000 And he just walked away.

01:57:29.000 I was like, you fucking asshole.

01:57:30.000 When you hear about what ants do, one of the things they do is they kill elephants.

01:57:34.000 They climb up the elephant's leg, and they go into his ear, and they start eating the elephant from the ear, from the inside of their ear.

01:57:40.000 This is what, you know, I have the 10-minute podcast that I do with Will Sasso and Chris D'Elia.

01:57:45.000 If you guys want to, it's called the10minutepodcast.com, and this is the kind of shit we talk about.

01:57:49.000 We pick a topic like this, and we just fucking talk about it, and it's 10 minutes.

01:57:53.000 And if we don't finish the topic, the music's down, then we're fucking done.

01:57:56.000 The music starts a minute.

01:57:57.000 It's great.

01:57:57.000 It's been really fun.

01:57:58.000 That's a fun thing to do like on a commute, like to listen to on your way to work.

01:58:02.000 That's why we've been doing well because we get together, Will and I said, let's do a podcast, but let's make it only 10 minutes.

01:58:09.000 That's really smart.

01:58:09.000 Yeah, and so that's what we've been doing.

01:58:11.000 And calling it 10 Minute Podcast is smart too.

01:58:13.000 It's called the 10 Minute Podcast and you go to 10minutepodcast.com and you can download it.

01:58:17.000 Yeah, that's...

01:58:18.000 I've been killing it.

01:58:18.000 That's a funny idea.

01:58:20.000 Yeah.

01:58:20.000 But ants, I think ants are the number one killer of any animal in Africa.

01:58:25.000 I believe that's true.

01:58:26.000 I don't know.

01:58:27.000 I know that ants, there's more ants.

01:58:29.000 I think mosquitoes are from malaria.

01:58:32.000 There's more weight per ant or commensurate rate as it is human beings.

01:58:37.000 Total body mass.

01:58:39.000 I believe it.

01:58:39.000 That's insane.

01:58:40.000 Think about how much bigger a person is than a fucking ant and they weigh.

01:58:44.000 If you added up all the weight of all the ants and all the weight of all the people, it would be basically the same.

01:58:48.000 Makes sense.

01:58:49.000 Somebody said something interesting about, like if you took, this is really interesting about, they said, this biologist was saying, if you took all the ants and you killed, if you killed all the ants on the planet, life on Earth would cease to exist in about five years, as you know it, because ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem for a thousand reasons.

01:59:07.000 Isn't that amazing?

01:59:12.000 Life would go on even just the ecosystem would be totally intact in five years.

01:59:17.000 It's just kind of an interesting distinction where how much more important in some ways ants are to life on this planet than humans are.

01:59:23.000 Now why is that?

01:59:24.000 Because ants are such an integral part of the ecosystem whereas human beings are actually in a lot of ways an intrusion.

01:59:31.000 On endoconstructures and all kinds of things that require sustainable life.

01:59:35.000 Look what we've done to the environment as it stands just by living.

01:59:38.000 This inexorable rise of human flesh pushing and fucking, you know...

01:59:43.000 Yeah, but why ants?

01:59:44.000 Just because they...

01:59:45.000 Well, ants are like a very important part.

01:59:47.000 They provide food and aeration and all kinds of things.

01:59:50.000 I don't know what the, you know, I'm not a biologist, but it was just a kind of a really interesting distinction to think that Ants, in a lot of ways, as a whole, are way more important and actually crucial to life on planet Earth.

02:00:01.000 Whereas human beings, if you got rid of every human being, life on planet Earth would probably carry on really, really well.

02:00:11.000 It's kind of a humbling kind of concept.

02:00:15.000 Ants kill 30 people per year.

02:00:17.000 30?

02:00:17.000 30 people every year.

02:00:18.000 More than weed.

02:00:20.000 Well, bees.

02:00:20.000 I'm sure bees kill a lot more people, I'm sure.

02:00:23.000 You think so?

02:00:24.000 Yeah, people are allergic to bees.

02:00:26.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

02:00:27.000 And wasps and things.

02:00:28.000 Aren't people allergic to...

02:00:31.000 Probably fire ants, right?

02:00:32.000 Do you know how they, in Australia, you know how they get rid of crocodiles in an area?

02:00:36.000 It's really wild.

02:00:36.000 They'll just kill a shitload of them in one area, and then crocodiles will avoid that area for the next five, ten years.

02:00:45.000 Really?

02:00:45.000 They can smell the death there, even when the carcass is removed.

02:00:48.000 They'll shoot a bunch of crocodiles in one area, and they'll keep doing that, I don't know for how long, and then crocs will not go to that area.

02:00:56.000 How many people do you think hippos kill every year?

02:00:58.000 That, they say, kills more people in Africa than any other animal because you get in the way of a hippo in the water and you're fucking done.

02:01:05.000 Take a guess.

02:01:05.000 I don't know, but my guess is...

02:01:08.000 All right, I'll give you my guess.

02:01:09.000 And then we're going to Google how many people die by snake bite in India, which is about 20,000 from what I heard, which is actually an inflated figure because a lot of times when you brain your wife in a village, you blame it on a snake.

02:01:20.000 Having said that, I'm going to say that the number of people in Africa killed by a hippo are upwards of 500. 2,900 annually.

02:01:31.000 What?

02:01:31.000 That's way more than that.

02:01:32.000 What?

02:01:33.000 What?

02:01:34.000 Oh, that's so scary.

02:01:35.000 That's as many people as killed in 9-11, practically.

02:01:38.000 2,900 people annually in Africa are fucked up by hippos.

02:01:44.000 What?

02:01:44.000 They're very aggressive, unpredictable, and have no fear of humans.

02:01:49.000 People die most often when they get between a hippo and deep water or between a mother and her calf.

02:01:55.000 That's a bitch to be in the way of.

02:01:58.000 They're monstrous.

02:01:59.000 They're so huge and they can run faster than you can and they'll crush you.

02:02:02.000 Yeah, they bite you in half.

02:02:02.000 And they'll chase you down.

02:02:03.000 They'll chase you down.

02:02:04.000 And they'll bite your head and kill you.

02:02:06.000 They'll bite your whole body in half.

02:02:07.000 They bite crocodiles in half.

02:02:09.000 They're so powerful.

02:02:10.000 There's a photo of a guy running in Africa.

02:02:13.000 He's running full clip down the street and the hippos chasing him.

02:02:16.000 And in that photo...

02:02:18.000 This poor fuck.

02:02:19.000 I don't know what happened to him.

02:02:20.000 But you see in that photo what really is going on.

02:02:24.000 You see this monster from a movie.

02:02:27.000 It's like from that movie Relic.

02:02:28.000 Remember that movie Relic with Tom Sizemore?

02:02:30.000 This crazy monster comes out.

02:02:31.000 That's so primal.

02:02:32.000 That's what a hippo's like.

02:02:33.000 It's so primal.

02:02:34.000 Human beings...

02:02:35.000 Being eaten for a human being is actually an instinct.

02:02:39.000 With children, when you take an infant and you go...

02:02:41.000 In their face, they'll scream and cry.

02:02:44.000 Of course.

02:02:44.000 Because that's a primal fear for us.

02:02:47.000 It goes back to our genetics, our ancestors.

02:02:50.000 100%.

02:02:50.000 And hippos are about as primal as you can get.

02:02:52.000 A big, stupid, giant, muscle-bound animal.

02:02:55.000 That's a rhino.

02:02:56.000 That's a rhino, son.

02:02:56.000 Oh, is it poop?

02:02:58.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:02:59.000 That's really funny.

02:03:00.000 Wait, can you bring up that picture of the hippo?

02:03:03.000 Yeah, see if a man running from a hippo.

02:03:05.000 See if you find that.

02:03:06.000 That's hilarious.

02:03:08.000 Oh, that's Ace Ventura.

02:03:10.000 Rhino birth.

02:03:11.000 Oh, this is so silly.

02:03:13.000 He's fucking hilarious.

02:03:13.000 Is this the new Ace Ventura or is this the old one?

02:03:15.000 Isn't there a new...

02:03:16.000 Aren't they going to do a new Ace Ventura?

02:03:18.000 I think they're doing a new Anchorman.

02:03:20.000 A new Anchorman.

02:03:21.000 A new Dumb and Dumber, right?

02:03:22.000 Yeah.

02:03:23.000 What happened to him?

02:03:24.000 He kind of got bored of making movies?

02:03:25.000 Jim Carrey?

02:03:26.000 Yeah.

02:03:27.000 Probably just overdosed on pussy.

02:03:29.000 Yeah, and money.

02:03:30.000 And money.

02:03:31.000 Wasn't he banging Jenny McCarthy for the longest time?

02:03:33.000 Yeah.

02:03:34.000 That takes a lot of time.

02:03:35.000 Yeah, look at that poor guy.

02:03:36.000 Oh my God.

02:03:37.000 Jesus Christ.

02:03:39.000 Fucking A. There's a couple photos too.

02:03:40.000 It's not just this one.

02:03:41.000 There's another one where the thing is actually on the road.

02:03:43.000 Could you punch it in the nose?

02:03:44.000 Good luck.

02:03:45.000 Oh my god.

02:03:46.000 Throw some marbles on it.

02:03:47.000 Look at the size of that thing.

02:03:48.000 Throw some marbles.

02:03:49.000 Look at the size of that thing's fucking head.

02:03:51.000 Look at images.

02:03:52.000 Yeah, the one on the far left, Brian.

02:03:55.000 Oh yeah, look at that.

02:03:56.000 Oh my god.

02:03:57.000 Poor fuck.

02:03:58.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

02:03:59.000 Oh my, look at the head on that thing.

02:04:01.000 And look at the guy's just in the air.

02:04:03.000 He's running so fast, he's in the air.

02:04:05.000 Yeah, that would be me.

02:04:06.000 And the thing is right on him.

02:04:07.000 That would be me.

02:04:08.000 Well, you know what?

02:04:09.000 Very few people have ever had to run for their lives, and that's you running for your life.

02:04:15.000 Oh, yeah.

02:04:15.000 That is legit running for your life.

02:04:17.000 The upper left one is terrifying.

02:04:19.000 That one right there?

02:04:20.000 Because it's like he's making the turn.

02:04:22.000 Look at the eyes on it.

02:04:23.000 Oh, my God.

02:04:23.000 It's so close to that poor guy.

02:04:25.000 That thing is going to fucking kill him.

02:04:27.000 I hope it didn't catch him.

02:04:28.000 Oh, he snuck up on it, this stupid fuck.

02:04:31.000 He's a gamekeeper.

02:04:33.000 Look, he was like walking near it.

02:04:35.000 And then all of a sudden the thing turned on him.

02:04:37.000 Oh, Jesus!

02:04:38.000 This is some of the most frightening photos on the internet.

02:04:41.000 I'm not doing that shit.

02:04:43.000 If I see a hippo, I'm running.

02:04:44.000 It's like when I was down, they brought a lion on set.

02:04:47.000 They brought a lion.

02:04:47.000 Guess who was fucking hiding in his dressing room?

02:04:50.000 Literally, I was like, yeah!

02:04:51.000 You don't know how to control a lion.

02:04:53.000 It was a male lion that they modeled the Lion King after.

02:04:56.000 525 pound male lion.

02:04:58.000 Guess what?

02:04:58.000 And all the other actors are like, oh, that's so neat.

02:05:00.000 They're like, want to pet it.

02:05:01.000 And they're like, oh, yeah, he's fine.

02:05:03.000 The trainer, he's got a ponytail and a fucking, you know, safari outfit on.

02:05:06.000 What the fuck are you going to do when Mr. Leone decides, oh, you're food.

02:05:10.000 Nothing.

02:05:11.000 Oh my god, that's so scary.

02:05:13.000 I hid.

02:05:13.000 That's such a scary fucking animal, dude.

02:05:15.000 Oh my god.

02:05:16.000 And the idea that it could just snap at any moment.

02:05:18.000 There's a lot of goddamn YouTube videos.

02:05:20.000 It's like, do you not go on YouTube?

02:05:22.000 Do you not see these animals that are being held by the trainers and all of a sudden they just lash out?

02:05:25.000 I was in Alaska with my dad...

02:05:28.000 What is that picture?

02:05:29.000 It's giving birth to something.

02:05:30.000 Oh, that's a hyena eating its ass out.

02:05:33.000 That's a hyena eating a hippo's asshole.

02:05:37.000 That's what it's doing.

02:05:38.000 Have you ever seen the videos of lions eating hippos?

02:05:41.000 They just climb on them and start biting them?

02:05:43.000 Yeah, I saw the video where the hippo bit the lion in the head and killed it.

02:05:47.000 Crush it?

02:05:47.000 Yeah.

02:05:49.000 How hungry do the lions have to be where they want to eat a hippo?

02:05:51.000 Very hungry.

02:05:52.000 Tough times, man.

02:05:53.000 Yeah, man.

02:05:53.000 That's not easy life on the Serengeti.

02:05:56.000 People complain about Hollywood.

02:05:57.000 People complain about having a job.

02:05:59.000 Jesus Christ.

02:05:59.000 Right.

02:06:00.000 Look at what some life forms have to go through.

02:06:02.000 Yeah.

02:06:02.000 And it's amazing when you look at Africa.

02:06:04.000 Africa has always fascinated me because out of all the really places on earth where there's just an overwhelming amount of dangerous monsters, it's Africa.

02:06:14.000 I mean, Africa has everything.

02:06:15.000 They have Nile crocodiles.

02:06:17.000 They have great white sharks.

02:06:18.000 They have lions.

02:06:20.000 They have hippos.

02:06:21.000 They have hyenas.

02:06:22.000 Even ostriches.

02:06:22.000 They have poisonous snakes.

02:06:23.000 Ostriches are kicking the shit out of you.

02:06:25.000 Kicking the fucking head right away, yeah.

02:06:26.000 They're mean cunts too.

02:06:27.000 Oh, fuck yeah.

02:06:28.000 We had them in a set of Fear Factor.

02:06:30.000 They try to bite you, man.

02:06:31.000 They try to jack you.

02:06:32.000 I was in Indonesia in the rainforest.

02:06:35.000 They got wasps.

02:06:37.000 With like three abdomens, orange fur, fucking you can see the stingers, and they're just hanging out.

02:06:43.000 One got caught in my sister's hair.

02:06:45.000 And you know, usually as a brave guy, you'd kill the wasp that's in your sister's hair.

02:06:48.000 I fucking ran for the hills.

02:06:51.000 Have you seen this new wasp they discovered that looks like a goddamn science fiction movie?

02:06:55.000 No, they scare the fuck out of me, though.

02:06:56.000 Brian, pull up new giant wasp discovered.

02:07:00.000 Well, that's what you get in Indonesia.

02:07:02.000 I was playing with a snake with a stick, and Biruti Galdikas, a woman, she goes...

02:07:06.000 If that thing bites you, young man, you'll be dead in a half hour, and we're six hours upstream on a boat from the nearest hospital.

02:07:13.000 If you Google it, Brian, there's a crazy photo of one.

02:07:17.000 It's as big as the guy's hand.

02:07:18.000 Yeah, I don't want any part of that.

02:07:19.000 Look at this thing.

02:07:20.000 Yeah, nah, no thanks.

02:07:22.000 Yeah, that's got mannibals, so it bites you and it hump stings you.

02:07:25.000 And if you go back, Brian, to do an image search...

02:07:28.000 Dude, how about the Death Star Scorpion?

02:07:30.000 Death Star Scorpion.

02:07:31.000 Look at the size of this fucking thing.

02:07:33.000 Why is that in the guy's hand?

02:07:35.000 Jesus Christ, look at the size of that thing.

02:07:36.000 What is he doing with that thing?

02:07:37.000 Look at the size of that thing.

02:07:39.000 That's a Japanese yellow wasp, I think.

02:07:41.000 A hornet, you mean?

02:07:42.000 Yeah, that's a Japanese yellow hornet.

02:07:43.000 Have you ever seen the video?

02:07:45.000 Yeah, they kill bees.

02:07:45.000 They'll kill 30,000 bees.

02:07:47.000 Yeah, a whole hive will be coming and they just chop them in half.

02:07:49.000 Six of them.

02:07:49.000 Six of them will kill 30,000 bees.

02:07:51.000 Six of them.

02:07:51.000 Do you know how they kill them?

02:07:52.000 Yep.

02:07:52.000 They surround...

02:07:53.000 Oh, who are you talking to?

02:07:54.000 Who are you talking to?

02:07:55.000 Let me finish your sentences.

02:07:57.000 You mean when they cover them and flap their wings and the wasp dies of heat?

02:08:02.000 Yeah, you might have told me that.

02:08:04.000 Well, because they send the scout in.

02:08:06.000 The scout goes flying around and he goes, oh, look, a hive.

02:08:10.000 Let me drop some scent here.

02:08:12.000 Be right back.

02:08:13.000 Have a good day.

02:08:14.000 And they go back and then they come back with six fucking just...

02:08:17.000 It's like all of us hanging out having tea and helicopter gunships come in and just go...

02:08:23.000 And you're like, what is that?

02:08:25.000 Is that...

02:08:26.000 Do you want some more milk?

02:08:28.000 And you get fucking blown.

02:08:29.000 You know what it really would be like is if we were just hanging out and giants came into town and just started eating us.

02:08:35.000 Biting your head off.

02:08:36.000 Biting your head off and throwing your body down and grabbing another one and biting your head off.

02:08:39.000 I'm bored with this.

02:08:40.000 Do you think there were ever giants?

02:08:42.000 I don't know.

02:08:43.000 Is that possible?

02:08:44.000 I know.

02:08:44.000 I want a giant.

02:08:45.000 I want a pet giant.

02:08:46.000 They're very loyal, as long as you don't feed them meat.

02:08:48.000 If you see, like, movies with giants in them, you've got to wonder, like, I wonder what the biggest person ever was.

02:08:53.000 Well, you know, Andre the Giant was 525 pounds.

02:08:56.000 But I mean, like, giants.

02:08:58.000 I mean, like, 20 feet tall.

02:08:59.000 Well, I don't think anatomically the body can really work, but I love this conversation.

02:09:03.000 It's my favorite.

02:09:04.000 Joe, look at this.

02:09:05.000 Why can't it work?

02:09:06.000 Two guys.

02:09:06.000 Oh, my God.

02:09:07.000 Look at this thing running at the...

02:09:10.000 Oh, shit!

02:09:12.000 That's fucking scary!

02:09:15.000 It hit the jeep, dude.

02:09:18.000 Are they really slowing down?

02:09:20.000 That made me scared.

02:09:21.000 Why are they shutting the engine off, ever?

02:09:23.000 That looks alright.

02:09:29.000 You know, it's really horrible to watch somebody...

02:09:31.000 It must be terrible.

02:09:31.000 Well, with that one with it, it goes after the lion.

02:09:34.000 What is that?

02:09:34.000 Oh, yeah, that's a water buffalo.

02:09:36.000 Did you see the one with the lion...

02:09:38.000 Honey badger and a lion.

02:09:41.000 Oh yeah, look at these lions trying to bring down this hippo.

02:09:43.000 Oh, this is so crazy.

02:09:45.000 I love this song.

02:09:47.000 This week on Hippo Attacks.

02:09:50.000 And this guy's just sitting there in a fucking truck taking video of it.

02:09:54.000 Well, you know, animals a lot of times won't bother you.

02:09:57.000 Whatever, man.

02:09:58.000 When David Blaine, if I can get David Blaine on this thing, ask him to show you his video of him swimming with gray whites.

02:10:04.000 That guy's a strange cat, man.

02:10:06.000 He has a legit record for holding your breath, right?

02:10:09.000 Yeah, he's held his breath on Oprah for 17 minutes.

02:10:12.000 How is that possible?

02:10:13.000 He talks about it on TED.com.

02:10:15.000 He tried to do it as a trick and realized he couldn't do it.

02:10:18.000 And then he said the craziest trick of all is if I really did it.

02:10:20.000 And he started training for it.

02:10:22.000 And he did a 15-minute lecture on TED.com about how he broke the world record holding his breath.

02:10:26.000 And it's fucking amazing.

02:10:28.000 You should watch it.

02:10:29.000 Jesus Christ.

02:10:30.000 He also caught a bullet in his mouth.

02:10:31.000 What?

02:10:32.000 Yeah, he puts a steel cylinder in his mouth and he had his buddy Bill Kalush actually shoot because Bill shoots and he just trusted Bill and he didn't move and Bill shot a fucking shot at 22 right into his mouth.

02:10:42.000 Do you think it would be possible?

02:10:43.000 He's always been obsessed with like human suffering and going beyond the physical.

02:10:47.000 Do you think it would be possible for him to, like, swallow a oxygen container and then have a tube coming out into his mouth?

02:10:54.000 He tried.

02:10:54.000 He tried it.

02:10:55.000 He tried it.

02:10:55.000 He even tried to get surgically, tried to get a breathing tube stuffed down his throat that nobody could see.

02:11:00.000 It just didn't work.

02:11:01.000 You see him.

02:11:01.000 You see him on the operating table.

02:11:03.000 Whoa.

02:11:03.000 He's pushed his body.

02:11:05.000 On the operating table.

02:11:05.000 Yeah.

02:11:05.000 They opened him up and they tried to put a tube in there and they said, all right, fuck this.

02:11:09.000 Go to ted.com, ted.com, and watch David Blaine.

02:11:13.000 Just type in David Blaine and he talks about it.

02:11:15.000 So then it's not a trick.

02:11:16.000 No.

02:11:17.000 That's so crazy.

02:11:18.000 He actually held his breath for 17 minutes.

02:11:21.000 Well, didn't he do a lot of shit that wasn't a trick?

02:11:23.000 Didn't he stand in ice in Times Square for days?

02:11:26.000 Yes, but what bothered David was that when David would spend all this money and time doing a great trick that took him a year to perfect, and it was for entertainment, to make people feel good.

02:11:36.000 By the way, he didn't take any, he doesn't let anybody sponsor him.

02:11:38.000 And then he finally let Target sponsor him, and only if Target gave that money to underprivileged children.

02:11:43.000 They could all have a shopping spree.

02:11:45.000 So David was actually not making any money off this shit because he wouldn't, like, he turned, I think it was Coca-Cola, one of the soft drink companies, down.

02:11:53.000 They wanted to give him a million dollars.

02:11:54.000 To do what?

02:11:55.000 To promote it to soda.

02:11:56.000 And he said, it's bad for you, I'm not going to do it.

02:11:58.000 Wow.

02:11:59.000 You know that he was offered the believe that Chris Angel did in Vegas?

02:12:05.000 That was his deal.

02:12:07.000 They offered him $250 million to do that fucking thing, and he said no.

02:12:10.000 He didn't want to be a Vegas act.

02:12:12.000 So David is one of those guys who just...

02:12:15.000 Penn and Teller are a Vegas act, though.

02:12:17.000 They're pretty badass.

02:12:18.000 They're great.

02:12:18.000 They pull it off.

02:12:19.000 How do they pull it off?

02:12:21.000 He probably doesn't want to do all those shows, too.

02:12:24.000 He also doesn't want to be...

02:12:25.000 He's just a really particular guy that way.

02:12:27.000 So what does he do?

02:12:28.000 He puts together specials and then...

02:12:29.000 What happened was he would do a show.

02:12:33.000 He'd spend all his time on it.

02:12:34.000 And then Fox would say...

02:12:36.000 They'd come out with a special called Behind the Magic.

02:12:39.000 And they'd say this is how he did it.

02:12:41.000 And a lot of times they did it wrong.

02:12:42.000 That's not how he did the trick.

02:12:44.000 That's not how he did it.

02:12:45.000 So they would lie.

02:12:46.000 They'd fucking lie and they'd say, this is how he did it.

02:12:48.000 When David was like, that's not how I did it.

02:12:50.000 No, you're wrong.

02:12:51.000 But it would ruin the trick.

02:12:54.000 It took all the magic out of it.

02:12:55.000 It just made him feel bad.

02:12:57.000 I was just like, fucking, what are you doing?

02:12:58.000 It's like, why is that entertainment?

02:13:01.000 The whole point, it's an illusion.

02:13:03.000 So was that when he started doing these endurance feats?

02:13:05.000 Yeah, but I've known him since he was 17. He was always obsessed with Houdini.

02:13:13.000 And David had a tough childhood and went through a lot and I think had to learn how to deal with a lot of things that he wanted that he didn't get.

02:13:25.000 He had to be very stoic growing up.

02:13:27.000 I don't want to betray anything because if you get him on there, he can talk and speak his mind.

02:13:31.000 But David did not have an easy childhood.

02:13:34.000 At all.

02:13:34.000 So he holds the record for holding his breath for 17 minutes.

02:13:37.000 And what else did he do?

02:13:38.000 Didn't he do something where he stood in a block of ice for like three days or something crazy?

02:13:42.000 Yeah, he's always been obsessed with...

02:13:44.000 What did he do?

02:13:46.000 He was in a block of ice.

02:13:48.000 For how long?

02:13:48.000 I think it was like three days or something.

02:13:50.000 But that might have been a trick.

02:13:52.000 I don't know.

02:13:53.000 Sometimes it's a trick.

02:13:54.000 Yeah, I would imagine.

02:13:56.000 Although when I was hanging out with him, he was walking around in a t-shirt in the middle of February in New York to get used to the cold.

02:14:02.000 Really?

02:14:03.000 Yeah.

02:14:03.000 To get used to the cold.

02:14:05.000 He was conditioning his body to deal with extreme hunger and extreme cold.

02:14:10.000 He does these things.

02:14:12.000 I hope when he's here, ask him to show you, I don't want to give this away, but ask him to show you his Great White video.

02:14:17.000 Ask him to show you what he did with Great Whites.

02:14:19.000 What would he do?

02:14:20.000 Oh, it'll blow your fucking mind.

02:14:22.000 It'll blow your mind.

02:14:24.000 Nobody's really done it.

02:14:25.000 He's a weird guy, man.

02:14:27.000 It's a weird way to make a living.

02:14:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:14:29.000 Holding your breath the longest.

02:14:31.000 He likes going to extremes.

02:14:32.000 He's an extreme dude.

02:14:35.000 He's the real deal.

02:14:37.000 Does he have any children?

02:14:38.000 He called me today.

02:14:39.000 He just didn't leave me a message.

02:14:41.000 Does he have any children?

02:14:42.000 He does.

02:14:42.000 He has one child now.

02:14:44.000 Is this a recent thing?

02:14:45.000 Uh-huh.

02:14:46.000 I wonder if it'll change how he does these things.

02:14:49.000 He's a very loving guy, so I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

02:14:52.000 You could probably make that kid disappear if it doesn't work out.

02:14:54.000 Exactly.

02:14:55.000 No, he's a really loving person.

02:14:57.000 He was encased in a massive block of ice located in Times Square.

02:15:02.000 Lightly dressed and seemed to be shivering even before the blocks of ice sealed around him.

02:15:07.000 A tube supplied him with air and water while his urine was removed.

02:15:11.000 With another tube, he was encased in the box for over 63 hours.

02:15:15.000 There you go.

02:15:16.000 63 hours and 42 minutes and 15 seconds before being removed with chainsaws.

02:15:21.000 The ice was transparent and resting on an elevated platform to show that he was actually inside the ice the entire time.

02:15:28.000 Wow.

02:15:28.000 C&M confirmed that thousands of people braved the pouring rain Wednesday to catch a glimpse of Blaine as workers cut away the ice.

02:15:35.000 Wow.

02:15:36.000 Thousands of people out there in the rain watching this guy fucking in a block of ice.

02:15:39.000 There you go.

02:15:40.000 He removed the ice and he was obviously dazed.

02:15:43.000 Wow.

02:15:44.000 Well, this is dazed and disoriented.

02:15:47.000 Wrapped in blankets, taken to the hospital immediately because doctors feared he might be going into shock.

02:15:53.000 Yeah.

02:15:54.000 Yep.

02:15:56.000 Wow.

02:15:57.000 That may or may not have been a trick.

02:15:58.000 Who knows?

02:15:58.000 I said it took a month before he was able to walk again.

02:16:01.000 Yeah, he went through some shit.

02:16:03.000 That's so nuts.

02:16:04.000 He's got this awesome crucifix on his back, like this incredible rendition.

02:16:08.000 He just has always been obsessed with that sort of human suffering and going beyond.

02:16:13.000 That's pretty crazy.

02:16:13.000 Well, it's just that thing, you know, that someone can do something that you can't do.

02:16:17.000 Yeah.

02:16:18.000 Someone's willing to do something that you can't do.

02:16:20.000 Right.

02:16:20.000 Didn't he try to do something in London, though, and they started mocking him?

02:16:23.000 Yeah, he was suspended in a bridge in a glass case with nothing but water for like 14 days or something.

02:16:31.000 That was in London, right?

02:16:32.000 Yeah, it was when Chris Rock was like, we got a trickless magician.

02:16:36.000 He's living in a box with nothing.

02:16:37.000 That's called the projects, motherfucker.

02:16:41.000 Come to my neighborhood.

02:16:42.000 I'll show you.

02:16:43.000 It is true, too.

02:16:44.000 It's so ridiculous.

02:16:46.000 That's a dumb one.

02:16:46.000 I haven't seen Chris Rock in a while.

02:16:48.000 He kind of takes long hiatuses.

02:16:49.000 I think he stopped doing stand-up.

02:16:51.000 Really?

02:16:51.000 Yeah, I think I read something that he stopped doing stand-up for a while.

02:16:55.000 I think he was doing something on Broadway, too.

02:16:57.000 Maybe he's just really getting into acting or something.

02:16:59.000 Yeah, actually he was doing something, I think.

02:17:01.000 I think some guys get to a point where they don't want to do it anymore.

02:17:04.000 Well, I think that, like anything, when it loses its mystery, when it loses its challenge, I find stand-up incredibly challenging because I always try to keep, like I'm coming up with a whole new hour, I'm trying to reinvent myself.

02:17:14.000 It's fun.

02:17:15.000 You know, it's one of the things, yeah.

02:17:17.000 You're making people laugh.

02:17:18.000 It's like the greatest gift of all time.

02:17:19.000 Yeah, and you're making yourself laugh and surprising yourself.

02:17:22.000 Yeah, and it's like the only reason why it would ever be a drag to me is the traveling or if my health started to fail.

02:17:28.000 For some reason, I didn't want to get on planes all the time.

02:17:31.000 Well, I find traveling difficult.

02:17:33.000 The road kind of kicks my ass.

02:17:35.000 It's so great to be able to work around L.A. There's so many clubs around LA. Between the improvs, like the Improv of Brea, great club.

02:17:42.000 Ontario, great club.

02:17:43.000 Irvine, great club.

02:17:44.000 There's Comedy and Magic Club.

02:17:45.000 There's the Ice House in Pasadena, where we're always at.

02:17:47.000 There's so many great clubs in LA that if you wanted to, you could still keep your stand-up going and stay around LA for a while.

02:17:53.000 Yeah, you're right.

02:17:53.000 You could get shit done.

02:17:56.000 You're right.

02:17:56.000 The fucking getting in the planes all the time, it's so unhealthy for your body.

02:18:01.000 I can't stand traveling on planes.

02:18:03.000 I fucking hate it.

02:18:04.000 It's crazy.

02:18:04.000 When are we going to come up with better air travel?

02:18:06.000 We're still in the 50s because we can't break the sound barrier because we'll crack windows.

02:18:12.000 Well, that's what they were trying to do with this crazy fucking rocket ship.

02:18:16.000 And let the Earth come back down.

02:18:19.000 The real problem is that's not really what they're using it for.

02:18:22.000 They're using it to be able to fuck somebody up in New York in 12 minutes.

02:18:25.000 That's what the idea is.

02:18:27.000 The idea is not for passengers.

02:18:29.000 The idea is to be able to fuck somebody up on the other side of the world with immediate precision.

02:18:34.000 It's so fucking crazy.

02:18:35.000 It's true.

02:18:35.000 Like the drone that got...

02:18:37.000 Funny, the drone that Iran has supposedly now back-engineered.

02:18:41.000 That, to me, was one of the greatest moments in my theory that life is just theater and it's not really real and that this is all just a work of fiction.

02:18:50.000 When Obama was on TV and said, well, we asked for it back.

02:18:54.000 When he was talking about the drone?

02:18:56.000 Yeah.

02:18:56.000 Do you remember that?

02:18:57.000 Yes.

02:18:57.000 Have you seen that?

02:18:58.000 Yes.

02:18:58.000 You've seen him actually say that?

02:18:59.000 Yes.

02:19:00.000 We asked for the drone back.

02:19:01.000 Oh, sorry we were spying on you with a fucking automated UFO that shoots missiles.

02:19:06.000 Exactly.

02:19:07.000 But can we have it back?

02:19:09.000 Brian, on my podcast, I had this CIA paramilitary guy, like a real CIA guy I grew up with, and he's been in Iraq for a long time and Afghanistan and stuff.

02:19:18.000 And I fucked the sound up, and I hope, Brian, you can fix it.

02:19:21.000 Yeah, I may try.

02:19:22.000 Yeah.

02:19:22.000 All right, try, because I want to post it, but the dude...

02:19:25.000 Brian's done some magic.

02:19:27.000 You've got to do some magic with this guy.

02:19:28.000 I'm telling you, I was so enlightened.

02:19:30.000 Like, I follow politics, I follow you.

02:19:31.000 Well, where does this guy live?

02:19:32.000 Well, he just got back from, you know, Iraq.

02:19:35.000 So he's here?

02:19:36.000 Yeah.

02:19:36.000 Bring him in the studio.

02:19:36.000 No, no, no, he's not here.

02:19:38.000 He's in...

02:19:38.000 I can't really say where he's...

02:19:40.000 Why don't you get him to come in here?

02:19:41.000 I can the next time he comes, but he's really hard to get.

02:19:45.000 He won't be on camera.

02:19:46.000 Well, you don't have to be on camera.

02:19:47.000 Just do it again.

02:19:48.000 We can have it like the shadow, where it's just like a shadow.

02:19:51.000 It was such a schooling for me.

02:19:53.000 Keep the camera on the exercise.

02:19:54.000 It was such a schooling, though, for me on what really goes on, how politics really work, how countries really work, how we really work.

02:20:02.000 Like, for instance, we...

02:20:07.000 As far as any kind of conspiracy theory, he was saying, look, he goes, the way shit works is everybody has different ideas.

02:20:12.000 And it just snowballs.

02:20:14.000 Somebody floats the idea out there that Iraq is a dangerous threat ultimately to U.S. national security and they create an intellectual argument around it.

02:20:25.000 The argument starts to win the day because a lot of other people get involved in it.

02:20:29.000 Then there are a lot of people that disagree with it.

02:20:31.000 But what happens is then people that disagree with it get bullied and shut their fucking mouths.

02:20:35.000 And before you know it, there's a lot of also private enterprise that's going to make a lot of money off this stuff.

02:20:40.000 And pretty soon, before you know it, there's a company making fucking 100 grand just for importing sand to Iraq.

02:20:49.000 And Afghanistan, which are deserts for the volleyball courts on the military bases.

02:20:54.000 They're making money, and pretty soon the private sector is making a whole shitload of money on this thing called the Iraq-Afghanistan War.

02:21:00.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

02:21:01.000 Oh, one example.

02:21:02.000 Oh, just one example.

02:21:03.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

02:21:04.000 Oh, what?

02:21:04.000 They're bringing sand?

02:21:06.000 Yeah, it costs a hundred.

02:21:07.000 In one instance, for one court, it costs about a hundred grand.

02:21:10.000 What?

02:21:10.000 To bring sand in from Kansas or wherever, from a sand farm in Kansas.

02:21:15.000 A sand farm?

02:21:15.000 Because you couldn't find fucking sand in Iraq for your volleyball course.

02:21:19.000 That's how the war effort works.

02:21:21.000 Oh my God, that's so stupid.

02:21:22.000 The business and everything else becomes enmeshed in this massive effort.

02:21:26.000 So before you know it, you've got a shitload of interests.

02:21:30.000 Working and making lots of money off this conflict.

02:21:33.000 Now, on top of that, you have a situation like Iraq, and he described our relationship with the Middle East and Iraq as a dysfunctional relationship, where it was kind of abusive, but we were trying to do something.

02:21:43.000 We got in there, and two years later, we're like, we can't cut and run now.

02:21:46.000 I asked him this.

02:21:47.000 I said, do you think that Pakistan knew that fucking Osama bin Laden was in that town of Arawat, which he had been in, by the way, six months before they caught him?

02:21:59.000 And he said, fuck yeah.

02:22:01.000 I said, why?

02:22:02.000 I said, why would they keep him there?

02:22:05.000 Why would they protect him?

02:22:06.000 He said, how many billions of dollars did they get from the US government for free, for finding, to find Osama bin Laden and fight the terrorism problem?

02:22:17.000 He was sitting a mile away from their West Point.

02:22:21.000 You don't think they knew where he was?

02:22:23.000 You don't think that he had been protected?

02:22:25.000 That town that he was in is the vacation spot for all of the military's elite.

02:22:31.000 It is a beautiful fucking town.

02:22:34.000 It's high up, really cool.

02:22:37.000 My buddy said it's some of the most beautiful, majestic scenery he's ever seen.

02:22:41.000 He was all through those mountains.

02:22:42.000 Yeah, it looked pretty amazing when they showed the photos of the compound.

02:22:45.000 You know what's funny about him?

02:22:45.000 He said when he was in Afghanistan.

02:22:47.000 That's a crazy conspiracy then.

02:22:48.000 It's not a conspiracy.

02:22:49.000 All those people over there, the Pakistani conspiracy, they all knew he was there and they all kept their mouths shut.

02:22:54.000 They were making billions of dollars.

02:22:57.000 From us.

02:22:59.000 To help us find Osama Bin Laden and to contain the terrorism problem in their country.

02:23:05.000 Why in the world would you give up your goose that lays the golden eggs?

02:23:09.000 Why would you give that goose up?

02:23:10.000 Why?

02:23:10.000 So how'd they spread the money around to keep everybody quiet?

02:23:12.000 Because there was also a big bounty on Osama Bin Laden's head.

02:23:15.000 Well, $25 million.

02:23:17.000 So to individuals.

02:23:19.000 But for individuals, how is that not like something worth them stepping out for?

02:23:23.000 First of all, we all knew, our military intelligence elite knew that that was probably what was going on.

02:23:29.000 We knew the Pakistanis were shielding them.

02:23:30.000 The way we found them, you know how we found them, was through DNA. Every time that we would, they would take DNA samples.

02:23:36.000 They would take DNA samples from his family members.

02:23:39.000 That was one of the ways.

02:23:40.000 And they would just track those, they would try to, they basically, they would track And then they knew who his courier was.

02:23:48.000 And they basically, I believe, it's a great story and I can't remember all the details, but when somebody would go to a hospital who was part of that family and they get a checkup or something, they would take a DNA sample.

02:24:00.000 And they would find, and I guess they just kind of tracked wherever his DNA was, you know, whoever he was related to.

02:24:07.000 They knew he had to be around relatives of some kind.

02:24:09.000 And somehow they drew a, you know, they had all these ingenious ways of actually finding him.

02:24:13.000 It's amazing that the Pakistanis, if they did have him there, were able to keep that secret so well for so long.

02:24:21.000 He was in the town where all the elite, political and military elite, vacation.

02:24:27.000 They have vacation homes there.

02:24:28.000 He was there.

02:24:30.000 What a surprise!

02:24:31.000 It's amazing, though.

02:24:32.000 Of course it is.

02:24:33.000 It's amazing that they were able to step away from that $25 million reward or whatever the hell it was and keep their mouth shut.

02:24:39.000 Because there was so much more money.

02:24:41.000 Right, but for individuals, it wasn't.

02:24:44.000 How many do you think the individuals are making more than $25 million?

02:24:46.000 How does that $25 million spread around?

02:24:48.000 First of all, if you were a guy...

02:24:51.000 Who gave him up?

02:24:52.000 If you were a guy...

02:24:53.000 Well, they found him.

02:24:54.000 They found him by his DNA. They tracked him through his courier.

02:24:56.000 They tracked him through his chauffeur, I believe.

02:24:59.000 But I don't know how they found him.

02:25:01.000 Do you buy the 100% of the story?

02:25:03.000 It seems kind of wonky.

02:25:04.000 Yeah, I do.

02:25:05.000 Do you buy the Death at Sea?

02:25:07.000 Yeah, I buy all of it.

02:25:08.000 And the reason I buy all of it is there are so many people in that room that watch that shit go down.

02:25:11.000 Try keeping it a secret in Washington.

02:25:13.000 Try.

02:25:13.000 Impossible.

02:25:14.000 Pretty easy to keep a secret in Pakistan.

02:25:16.000 So I guess the Pakistanis have better intelligence.

02:25:17.000 Very different system of government.

02:25:19.000 And a better system.

02:25:20.000 And a clannish group.

02:25:20.000 Oh, those motherfuckers aren't playing around.

02:25:22.000 Oh, and by the way, if you think there's any profit in giving up where he is, and you're going to give the Americans...

02:25:27.000 Think about the guy who gets the $25 million.

02:25:30.000 You think he's going to be able to hang out in Pakistan with that money?

02:25:33.000 With that intelligence service?

02:25:34.000 The ISI? Well, he could be living in Miami then.

02:25:37.000 You're not going to fucking...

02:25:38.000 You're dead.

02:25:39.000 $25 million in Miami.

02:25:40.000 You can get a nice condo.

02:25:42.000 You're fucking dead.

02:25:43.000 Spend the rest on security.

02:25:44.000 Hit the clubs every night.

02:25:46.000 And you know what else?

02:25:47.000 Most people knew that you're not going to get that $25 million.

02:25:52.000 Yeah.

02:25:52.000 How are you going to collect it?

02:25:53.000 They're probably going to shoot you in the head.

02:25:54.000 How are you going to collect it?

02:25:55.000 Here's your money, stupid.

02:25:56.000 Why didn't you tell us yesterday?

02:25:57.000 Yeah, you're not going to collect that money.

02:25:59.000 Could have saved American lives.

02:26:00.000 Who do I go to?

02:26:01.000 Where's my reward?

02:26:02.000 Who do I go to with the U.S. government?

02:26:03.000 By the way, they'd be like, see you later.

02:26:05.000 Thanks.

02:26:06.000 What do you think about the story that he used someone as a human shield, one of his wives or something crazy?

02:26:12.000 No, I think what happened probably was that they were afraid.

02:26:15.000 First of all, I think they probably had to shoot to kill orders.

02:26:17.000 But I also think that stuff is all weighed out and weighed beforehand.

02:26:21.000 But I also think when a SEAL team like that comes in, probably, the danger and the worry is that he's got explosives on him.

02:26:28.000 He's going to blow himself up.

02:26:29.000 So you don't take a chance.

02:26:30.000 So the standard operating procedure is put a bullet in his fucking head.

02:26:32.000 That's what I think.

02:26:33.000 So they don't even try to take him?

02:26:34.000 No, I don't think that was ever the idea.

02:26:37.000 If somehow they could take him, it would have been maybe, you know.

02:26:39.000 But there was more profit in just getting rid of him fucking.

02:26:42.000 And what they did is they took a picture of his face.

02:26:44.000 They ran it through that facial recognition technology.

02:26:47.000 They took a picture, sent it back to the White House.

02:26:49.000 This is after they put a hole in his head.

02:26:50.000 Yeah, they were all watching it.

02:26:51.000 They were all watching it.

02:26:53.000 They were watching it on a screen.

02:26:54.000 Biden, Hillary Clinton.

02:26:57.000 You can see the picture.

02:26:58.000 And then some faceless CIA guys in the back.

02:27:01.000 They didn't show their faces.

02:27:02.000 But they were watching that.

02:27:04.000 That was high stakes.

02:27:05.000 Obama had to go away for the weekend.

02:27:06.000 They knew where he was.

02:27:07.000 He had to go away for the weekend.

02:27:08.000 And he deserves credit.

02:27:09.000 He had to go away for the weekend.

02:27:10.000 And the decision was the president's.

02:27:12.000 Do we go in?

02:27:13.000 We know where he is.

02:27:14.000 They didn't know it was Osama Bin Laden.

02:27:16.000 They knew there was a very high-value target there.

02:27:18.000 They knew that one of their ace of spades or whatever they call it was there.

02:27:22.000 And it was probably Osama Bin Laden.

02:27:24.000 And Obama had to go home alone and make the decision of whether or not to risk American lives to go in there and do it.

02:27:30.000 Supposedly.

02:27:31.000 A bunch of, from that Bill Hicks joke, the industrialists in a smoke-filled room sucking their cigars.

02:27:37.000 Here's your agenda.

02:27:38.000 Yeah.

02:27:40.000 The problem is that great book, The Black Swan, you can never control anything.

02:27:43.000 There's always the unforeseen that happens.

02:27:46.000 Does the photo get out, you think?

02:27:48.000 You think the photo ever gets out?

02:27:49.000 I think it's definitely classified.

02:27:53.000 It's somewhere though still.

02:27:53.000 They're holding on to that.

02:27:55.000 So it could somehow or another get out.

02:27:56.000 Yeah, I thought it was a bit of a mistake and they said they are going to release it eventually.

02:27:59.000 Really?

02:28:00.000 Yeah, I thought it was a bit of a mistake for conspiracy theorists because what happens is if you don't show his body and you bury him at sea because nobody else is going to take it.

02:28:07.000 You know when they're going to release it?

02:28:09.000 No.

02:28:10.000 When Photoshop 16 comes out because it's going to be indetectable.

02:28:14.000 That's right.

02:28:14.000 Photoshop 16 is going to be the new shit.

02:28:17.000 It's going to be pre-installed on your iPhone too.

02:28:20.000 That's when they're going to release it when reality is indiscernible.

02:28:22.000 Osama Bin Laden, when he met the SEAL Team 6 that did the job, he never asked any of them who the actual shooter was.

02:28:30.000 They never said it.

02:28:31.000 He just shook all their hands and thanked them.

02:28:32.000 You mean Obama.

02:28:33.000 Yeah.

02:28:33.000 You said Osama Bin Laden.

02:28:34.000 I'm sorry.

02:28:36.000 Sorry about that, everybody.

02:28:37.000 Which one's going to shoot me?

02:28:38.000 Let me just shake all your hands.

02:28:39.000 Wait a minute, no.

02:28:39.000 Barack Obama, actually, when he met them and congratulated them on their mission, he never asked any of them.

02:28:44.000 He never asked who the actual shooter was.

02:28:46.000 Really?

02:28:46.000 And they probably wouldn't tell you.

02:28:47.000 I think it's like protocol to go to that with your grave, only they know and all that, you know.

02:28:51.000 Now, when, and then there was the other big conspiracy theory that I thought was pretty silly, where there was a crash, you know, a bunch of SEAL Team 6 guys died in a helicopter, and they're like, this is a cover-up because of Osama bin Laden.

02:29:01.000 Like, it wasn't even the same guys.

02:29:03.000 No.

02:29:03.000 Wasn't even the same guys.

02:29:05.000 The people were like, but still.

02:29:06.000 Conspiracy theories are really hard to pull off.

02:29:09.000 It's really hard to organize all that.

02:29:10.000 Well, it sounds like that's not the case in Pakistan.

02:29:12.000 It's really interesting.

02:29:13.000 They had a real legitimate conspiracy going on in Pakistan for a long period of time.

02:29:17.000 I don't know that it was so much conspiracy.

02:29:18.000 They just are very good at control.

02:29:20.000 If you cross the I, what is it called?

02:29:22.000 The intern services.

02:29:23.000 Well, that's conspiring.

02:29:24.000 They conspired to keep a secret.

02:29:25.000 They'll fucking kill you.

02:29:26.000 It's amazing, though, that they did that for so long.

02:29:28.000 How long do you think he lived in that spot?

02:29:31.000 Well, since 2011, so a long time, I think.

02:29:34.000 Well, what about all those stories that he was on dialysis, that he was going to, you know, he had probably been dead for years, and this was all horseshit.

02:29:40.000 Did you ever hear those?

02:29:41.000 Yeah, I knew that he, there was a fact that he had to get dialysis, I believe.

02:29:45.000 I believe he had an issue with his kidneys and stuff like that, which is one of the ways they wanted to find him.

02:29:50.000 He was, I guess, in Waziristan for a while.

02:29:52.000 Where they said they thought he was, he actually had been.

02:29:55.000 And most of the high-ranking military and intelligence officials would always say he's probably somewhere in Pakistan.

02:30:01.000 But they thought he wasn't in Arawat.

02:30:03.000 They didn't expect him to be a mile away from their West Point.

02:30:06.000 They didn't expect that.

02:30:07.000 They thought he was in Waziristan, that lawless region where my buddy, who's the CIA guy, I actually talk about on my podcast, the dude was in the fucking hills with a couple of the guys.

02:30:16.000 And I said, what happens when you get caught?

02:30:20.000 He goes, you don't get caught, dude.

02:30:21.000 And I said, what do you mean?

02:30:22.000 He goes, you're not letting them catch you.

02:30:24.000 I said, so what is the alternative?

02:30:25.000 He goes, you got enough ammo, you shoot it, and then you save one bullet for yourself.

02:30:29.000 And I went, I went, really?

02:30:31.000 He goes, you don't want to get caught by those guys.

02:30:32.000 You don't want to get caught by Afghanis or those Pashtuns.

02:30:35.000 They will fuck you up.

02:30:36.000 You shoot yourself.

02:30:38.000 I was like, that's where my buddy lives.

02:30:40.000 I was like, that's living on the edge.

02:30:41.000 Jesus Christ.

02:30:42.000 He's a real, he's always been the baddest dude I know.

02:30:44.000 He's always been the baddest motherfucker on the planet.

02:30:46.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

02:30:46.000 He's such a badass.

02:30:48.000 And you would never know it.

02:30:49.000 He's the guy who used to fight four guys just to open up on you.

02:30:53.000 He would fight four guys?

02:30:54.000 No problem.

02:30:55.000 Why would he do that?

02:30:55.000 Four marines.

02:30:56.000 Take his jacket off.

02:30:57.000 I want to fight these guys.

02:30:58.000 For no reason?

02:30:59.000 No.

02:31:00.000 These fucking guys were chasing them.

02:31:02.000 My buddy told me the story.

02:31:05.000 He didn't tell me the story.

02:31:06.000 My buddy said he stopped.

02:31:08.000 They were running down an alley, four guys, and he goes, I'm going to fight him.

02:31:10.000 My buddy goes, what?

02:31:11.000 He goes, I'm going to fight him.

02:31:12.000 I want to see if I can fight him.

02:31:13.000 My buddy goes, don't do that, dude.

02:31:14.000 Please don't do that.

02:31:15.000 He goes, nah, I'm going to do it.

02:31:16.000 He took his jacket off and he fought him.

02:31:19.000 Just fucking started swinging and kicking, but he was a really, really, really good fighter and could hit like a heavyweight and fucking did just fine.

02:31:27.000 His buddy had to sit there and fight now, but those guys were like, why am I getting hit like this?

02:31:31.000 Why am I getting fucking kicked and hit and wheel kicked in my head?

02:31:35.000 Pretty wild.

02:31:36.000 There's a lot of people out there that have lived some pretty fucking intense lives.

02:31:39.000 He loved danger.

02:31:40.000 He was really good in the violent spaces.

02:31:42.000 He told me it was the only time he fell alive.

02:31:43.000 It's funny when we talk about David Blaine, this desire to try to push the envelope of what a human being can do with holding his breath or with ice.

02:31:54.000 We had talked about it on the podcast before, this David Goggins guy who's one of those Iron Man guys.

02:31:58.000 You ever seen him before?

02:31:59.000 He's got a bunch of videos online.

02:32:01.000 He engages in 48-hour races.

02:32:04.000 Jesus Christ.

02:32:05.000 Where they run for 48 hours straight on a track and people monitor them to one mile track.

02:32:10.000 Human beings are the best long distance animals on the planet.

02:32:14.000 Persistence hunting would kill certain animals in Africa.

02:32:17.000 But these people that are trying to push the limits.

02:32:22.000 It takes a long time to build up to it.

02:32:25.000 An interesting thing that happens with a lot of young MMA fighters is they kind of underestimate the kind of conditioning that's required to To be a five-round fighter and how intense and how much is involved, how long the process is to build your body into a body that can withstand work for 25 minutes in an octagon.

02:32:47.000 That's an eon.

02:32:48.000 Anybody who's wrestled, which I did, six minutes is a fucking eternity.

02:32:52.000 25 minutes is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life.

02:32:54.000 It's insanity.

02:32:55.000 It's the amount of...

02:32:57.000 Exertion that your body has to go through.

02:32:59.000 It takes a long fucking time to build up to it.

02:33:01.000 And a lot of guys suffer from overtraining in the beginning of their career because their body's simply not conditioned to be able to handle that kind of work rate.

02:33:11.000 It's just not.

02:33:12.000 Especially when it comes to a lot of kickboxers who go into MMA, they have no idea how difficult the wrestling aspect of it and how much more it takes out of you.

02:33:21.000 And they almost always gasp when the fights turn into wrestling matches initially.

02:33:25.000 Like a lot of the I mean, people really don't respect MMA fighters enough as far as the amount of discipline that it's required to be in condition to fight a full five-round MMA fight, or even a three-round fight.

02:33:44.000 My experience with that was I was on a date in my house.

02:33:47.000 I remember I had my two pit bulls, Piggy.

02:33:50.000 I'm sorry, Piggy was my pit bull and Stella was my German Shepherd, my police German Shepherd, my fucking working class German German Shepherd, a fucking wolf.

02:34:00.000 And they locked onto each other.

02:34:03.000 And it wasn't that I didn't want them to kill each other.

02:34:06.000 I was just seeing vet bills.

02:34:07.000 I was just seeing $1,000 here as they were ripping into each other.

02:34:11.000 And I was on my front lawn wrestling with these two dogs and choking one out, then the other one would fall asleep and then the other one would get a hold of the other one, then I'd choke that one out and went back and forth as I'm trying to break them up.

02:34:23.000 I kept choking each fucking dog out and I was so furious.

02:34:28.000 And when my buddy Bob came home and jumped into the yard and jumped on both dogs and put his knees on both their heads and just held them there, and finally they let go from exhaustion, I was so exhausted.

02:34:44.000 I don't even know how long I was there.

02:34:46.000 I was like 15 minutes fighting with two dogs.

02:34:47.000 I remember crawling up in the corner in my yard.

02:34:50.000 I crawled up in a corner, and I was like breathing like I've never, like from wrestling, all that shit, there's no comparison because I was literally- Fighting for you.

02:34:58.000 I was fighting for my life and I was going, and I was on a date.

02:35:02.000 I didn't even have time to look cool.

02:35:03.000 I was going, and my hands, I didn't realize my own hands for fucking a week after that I had trouble closing and opening my hands because I had torn all the muscles in my hands from trying to pull them apart.

02:35:16.000 And imagine you weren't even engaged in combat with them.

02:35:19.000 You were trying to stop them.

02:35:20.000 What if one of them was trying to kill you?

02:35:22.000 Well, that's like this book, Extreme Fear, where the woman gets in a fight with a mountain lion.

02:35:25.000 This female mountain lion stalked her and tried to kill her.

02:35:28.000 And she ended up just fucking...

02:35:30.000 She took this...

02:35:31.000 Some kind of like a knife or something, a spike, and was sticking it in its eye.

02:35:36.000 And she just turned...

02:35:37.000 Her fear turned to fury, and she started fighting back.

02:35:40.000 But, you know, she was fucking...

02:35:43.000 When you get in a fight with a real animal, you're done.

02:35:47.000 We're so fleshy.

02:35:49.000 You're food.

02:35:49.000 They're predators.

02:35:50.000 You're food.

02:35:51.000 Our skin's made of toilet paper, whereas theirs is made of leather.

02:35:54.000 That's right.

02:35:55.000 Like deer have leather.

02:35:56.000 That's right.

02:35:57.000 Like deer skin.

02:35:57.000 That's exactly right.

02:35:58.000 They make shoes out of it, man.

02:35:59.000 Their skin is so tough.

02:36:01.000 Nobody makes skin out of human shoes.

02:36:05.000 No, they take down elk.

02:36:07.000 So go try to bite it.

02:36:08.000 With their face!

02:36:10.000 Try biting an elk to death.

02:36:11.000 Yeah.

02:36:11.000 They grab it with their claws and they bite it with their face.

02:36:14.000 Yeah.

02:36:15.000 That's it.

02:36:15.000 Yeah.

02:36:15.000 Good luck.

02:36:16.000 Good luck measuring up to that.

02:36:17.000 Go kill a deer with your face.

02:36:18.000 That's what I say about great whites.

02:36:20.000 I go, try biting a seal to death.

02:36:21.000 It'll bite it on a flipper.

02:36:22.000 It'll fucking be like, get the fuck off me.

02:36:24.000 Yeah.

02:36:25.000 Well, that's my argument was to those people when I lived in Colorado when I was saying you should kill these fucking things.

02:36:31.000 And people were so angry at me after one of them killed my dog.

02:36:33.000 That really did happen.

02:36:34.000 Like, I was telling them, like, why do you allow mountain lions to stick around?

02:36:37.000 Well, you know, hey, they're a part of nature, and, you know, they're here, too.

02:36:41.000 I go, if there was a guy running around that could kill a deer with his face, and occasionally he would eat dogs, wouldn't you want him in jail?

02:36:47.000 Yeah.

02:36:48.000 Well, this is way scarier than a guy that could do it, you stupid fuck.

02:36:50.000 This is an animal, and they fuck, and they make a bunch of other animals just like it.

02:36:53.000 And then they live in the woods, and they eat dogs.

02:36:56.000 And people, too.

02:36:57.000 Whatever there.

02:36:58.000 They've had, I think, six to eight mountain lion attacks.

02:37:01.000 But I love mountain lions.

02:37:01.000 It doesn't mean you want to kill mountain lions.

02:37:03.000 You've just got to be aware of where they are.

02:37:05.000 Fuck them.

02:37:05.000 Kill them.

02:37:06.000 Light them up.

02:37:07.000 Fuck those mountain lions.

02:37:08.000 No, you don't want to kill an apex predator.

02:37:10.000 Get rid of them.

02:37:12.000 Get them out.

02:37:12.000 The joke I did in my special.

02:37:14.000 What the hell are you talking about?

02:37:15.000 I'm pro-mountain lion, you bastard.

02:37:17.000 What I was saying was the argument that I got in with the guy, and this is actually in my act, but it is true.

02:37:23.000 The guy told me that we needed him to keep the deer population down.

02:37:26.000 And I said, do you know the deer are not bulletproof and they're made out of food?

02:37:30.000 Stupid fuck.

02:37:31.000 It was a real conversation.

02:37:33.000 I was like, this is the dumbest conversation ever.

02:37:35.000 You need wild monsters running through the woods to eat up all the extra food.

02:37:38.000 It's an interesting thing.

02:37:39.000 It's an interesting question because I personally think all animals like that, like tigers and lions, should all be preserved just for the sake of how beautiful they are.

02:37:46.000 I believe everything in other continents.

02:37:50.000 Just not where I live.

02:37:51.000 Nothing that can swim across the ocean and jack you.

02:37:53.000 I'm not even big on leopards who live in Mexico and are making it across the border.

02:37:58.000 Is it jaguars?

02:37:59.000 Jaguars.

02:38:01.000 Jaguars are way more dangerous than a leopard.

02:38:02.000 They're much bigger.

02:38:03.000 They're big.

02:38:04.000 And they are not afraid of people.

02:38:05.000 They will kill a human being.

02:38:06.000 They eat people.

02:38:07.000 You don't have a chance against a jag.

02:38:09.000 Not a chance.

02:38:10.000 It's in the Amazon when people take ayahuasca, you know, that crazy jungle intoxicant.

02:38:16.000 One of the things, the visions that they see is jaguars.

02:38:18.000 Like a constant bunch of jaguars watching them and jaguars communicating with them.

02:38:23.000 Dude, my buddy told me a story of this guy who's a CIA guy.

02:38:26.000 Told me a story that in the Congo or somewhere in Africa, this dude decided he wanted...

02:38:30.000 He was like an embassy guy.

02:38:33.000 He just wanted to be part of the culture.

02:38:34.000 And he went to this African tribe and he drank some tea that they gave him.

02:38:38.000 And all of a sudden, he fucking starts hallucinating.

02:38:41.000 And he runs off with his cell phone naked.

02:38:45.000 And he decided that they were trying to eat him.

02:38:47.000 Which...

02:38:48.000 I don't know.

02:38:49.000 But he goes, these people are trying to eat me.

02:38:51.000 And they had to send this huge search and park rescue team out to the middle of the fucking Congo and track him down with his cell phone and find him.

02:38:59.000 And it was this massive operation.

02:39:00.000 They found him.

02:39:01.000 He was eaten to shreds by bugs, cut up by thorns, all fucked up.

02:39:06.000 Had to go to the hospital.

02:39:06.000 He was there like three days, like running through the forest away from what he thought were people trying to eat him because of this fucking hallucinogenic T. Meanwhile, there were probably like really sweet African people, you know, who were...

02:39:17.000 Who had degrees and shit.

02:39:18.000 Or maybe they were trying to eat him.

02:39:19.000 Or maybe they were trying to eat him.

02:39:20.000 Who the fuck knows?

02:39:21.000 Maybe he just came to grips with a lot of people eating people in parts of the world.

02:39:26.000 Actually, ever meet Africans in this country?

02:39:28.000 They all have like six degrees.

02:39:30.000 Like Nigerians?

02:39:30.000 Find me a Nigerian who doesn't have at least his masters.

02:39:33.000 Every single time.

02:39:34.000 Yes, well, I have my degree in all kinds of things in mechanical engineering and my doctorate in...

02:39:42.000 Imagine if the whole world was like Africa.

02:39:47.000 I talked to my buddy about Africa, who is the CIA. I shouldn't even say CIA. Let's just say he's whatever.

02:39:54.000 He said he's really optimistic about Africa and not optimistic about the Middle East.

02:39:58.000 Really?

02:39:59.000 So optimistic about the progress of Liberia, not about Afghanistan?

02:40:03.000 Yeah, very much.

02:40:03.000 Because Africa actually, in a lot of ways, has...

02:40:06.000 It has come to terms through these terrible wars with a lot of their civil strife, their tribal strife.

02:40:11.000 And what's the big thing?

02:40:11.000 And their mineral issues.

02:40:13.000 A lot of these wars in Liberia and Sierra Leone was fighting over...

02:40:18.000 Resources?

02:40:19.000 Diamonds.

02:40:19.000 Right.

02:40:20.000 The diamond mines.

02:40:22.000 And the material in the Congo, the material that goes into cell phones.

02:40:25.000 That's really where these warring factions...

02:40:30.000 But also, they're solving a lot of their political problems.

02:40:33.000 I mean, a lot of these, a lot of African states were dictatorships, just like in South America.

02:40:37.000 So he thinks that they can be worked out, but why?

02:40:40.000 They are being worked out.

02:40:41.000 Why not the Middle East?

02:40:42.000 The Middle East, mainly because the Middle East is, there are a couple reasons.

02:40:48.000 One is, and one of the things he brought up was very interesting, he said, the notion that you can separate Islam from Democracy.

02:40:57.000 One of the tenets that we have is the separation of church and state.

02:41:01.000 The Quran is a blueprint for how to run a society, even how to manage your banking laws and things.

02:41:08.000 It's very difficult to separate Islam from state-run affairs.

02:41:15.000 Traditionally, in the Middle East, the only way you did do that was by imposing an iron fist, the way Saddam Hussein did, the way countless Arab dictators did.

02:41:26.000 That's one of the issues.

02:41:27.000 But the other issue is the Sunni-Shia rivalries that are constantly playing out now, not just in Bahrain, but in Syria and a lot of different parts, and certainly in Iraq.

02:41:42.000 And the only way to control that is one side's got to have more guns than the other side.

02:41:46.000 And I have a different point of view, by the way, which is that I think commerce ultimately, when commerce comes to these countries, which it is, I think people are going to have a lot more to lose.

02:41:57.000 I think economic Economic prosperity.

02:42:00.000 Equality.

02:42:01.000 Yeah, economic prosperity, equality, and technology, I hope for the Middle East is going to make it a better place to live for the people there.

02:42:08.000 But I do think that if you look at, for example, Egypt now, Egypt has, if you look at who's running for election, they have essentially hardline Islamists who are going to impose, you know, or the worry is that they're going to impose...

02:42:25.000 Well, Sharia or something like that, that's certainly not very democratic.

02:42:29.000 So, you know, but did you want to go back to Mubarak's reign?

02:42:32.000 How do they stop that?

02:42:34.000 How is that going to be stopped?

02:42:35.000 You think it's only money that's going to be able to stop it?

02:42:37.000 I think what happens with all countries, look, you don't have to stop at time.

02:42:42.000 What happens is take a look at what happened in Europe.

02:42:44.000 Take a look at what happened in Central America.

02:42:46.000 These are democracies, imperfect democracies, but they're certainly not military dictatorships.

02:42:52.000 Do you think there's a real possibility?

02:42:54.000 Even in China, China is learning that basically democracy is an inevitable thing that they have to come to terms with.

02:43:04.000 And when I say democracy, I mean a government that listens to its people.

02:43:09.000 How do you keep people ignorant when they have access to the internet?

02:43:15.000 You don't.

02:43:16.000 Human beings now have access to real information and the truth of what's really going on.

02:43:22.000 And more importantly, they can see how other countries are living.

02:43:24.000 It's very difficult to control and have power over a people when they know the truth.

02:43:30.000 And one of the most unique things about what's going on in the Middle East today is that these uprisings These are uprisings that are happening organically from within the population.

02:43:40.000 They are not being manipulated by an imperialistic power.

02:43:44.000 They're not being manipulated by another Arab country.

02:43:47.000 These are homegrown, grassroots rebellions.

02:43:51.000 That are very difficult to ignore.

02:43:55.000 And the people that are doing it are young people who just want a better life.

02:44:00.000 And I can tell you right now that if these theocracies, if they vote in these Islamists and they don't see results, you're going to see more rebellion.

02:44:09.000 And so I think that whether or not these countries are Islamist, they're going to have to listen to their populations and they're going to have to respect individual freedoms.

02:44:18.000 That's my belief.

02:44:19.000 That's my hope anyway.

02:44:21.000 I may be naive.

02:44:22.000 Yeah, well, it's a good hope.

02:44:24.000 The idea is a beautiful idea that eventually we're all going to come to some sort of a utopian system of government that we're all going to accept because it's all going to be the will of the people.

02:44:33.000 It's just the will of the people in this country is slowly being choked and all the provisions provided by the Constitution are slowly being choked out I agree with you.

02:44:43.000 In government, the biggest problem is I think a lot of governments, and I'm talking about municipal governments, state governments, well, they're becoming more concerned with their own employees and the people they're trying to serve.

02:44:56.000 They want to keep jobs going, so they want to keep laws in place, because if there's no one to arrest for anything, then there's no need for that job.

02:45:02.000 There's a lot of people in the DEA, a lot of people in drug enforcement that are actively lobbying to keep certain really non-lethal, non-dangerous drugs and keep them illegal because they want to have people to arrest for things.

02:45:14.000 And then you have the problem with private prisons.

02:45:17.000 There's so many different fucking problems!

02:45:19.000 Well, anytime somebody has a vested interest in something, they're going to try to protect that interest, regardless of whether they're a good person or a bad person.

02:45:26.000 We have a vested interest in marijuana.

02:45:28.000 That's right.

02:45:29.000 We're trying to protect that marijuana.

02:45:30.000 I'm going to have to run.

02:45:33.000 We're going to have to close this thing down.

02:45:34.000 Yeah.

02:45:35.000 Let's shut it off.

02:45:35.000 Shut it down!

02:45:36.000 Once again, my dear friend, thanks for having me on.

02:45:38.000 Another fascinating, driven sort of a conversation into all sorts of bizarre subjects.

02:45:44.000 Love it, man.

02:45:45.000 I never have a bad time.

02:45:46.000 It's always enlightening.

02:45:47.000 Make sure you check out Brian Kylan's own podcast.

02:45:51.000 Brian Kylan has...

02:45:52.000 It's called The Brian Kylan Show.

02:45:54.000 Perfect name.

02:45:56.000 Couldn't be any better.

02:45:57.000 I feel pretentious with the Joe Rogan experience.

02:45:58.000 I got some great guests.

02:46:00.000 My Sam Brown, my buddy, is dying of cancer.

02:46:02.000 I mean, not dying, I don't want to say, but he's fucking hilarious.

02:46:05.000 He's got pancreatic cancer, and he's hilarious.

02:46:08.000 That's awesome.

02:46:09.000 I'm going to do another one.

02:46:09.000 I got fucking Anthony Tam back, because I'm going to post soon, which was a great podcast.

02:46:16.000 The Brian Callen Show!

02:46:18.000 Yeah, baby!

02:46:18.000 Do you have music for your Brian Callen Show?

02:46:20.000 Not yet.

02:46:21.000 Do you have an opening yet?

02:46:21.000 I don't, but I'm going to start coming into the studio.

02:46:24.000 Oh, go to the 10-Minute Podcast.

02:46:25.000 Yes.

02:46:26.000 10-Minute Podcast is funny as shit.

02:46:27.000 With Chris D'Elia and Will Sassa.

02:46:30.000 Two very funny motherfuckers.

02:46:31.000 All right, that's the end of this dirty ride, ladies and gentlemen.

02:46:34.000 That's probably the end for this week, too.

02:46:35.000 We were going to do something with a certain controversial person tomorrow, but you know what?

02:46:40.000 It's just...

02:46:41.000 Why even bother?

02:46:43.000 Yeah.

02:46:44.000 We just, uh, sorry.

02:46:46.000 There's too much crazy going on in this world at this moment.

02:46:48.000 I don't feel like jumping in a river of any more crazy.

02:46:51.000 Right.

02:46:52.000 That's it!

02:46:53.000 Thanks to the Fleshlight for tuning in to this, sponsoring this excursion.

02:46:58.000 This weekend you're in New York, but it's already sold out, right?

02:47:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:47:01.000 It's me and Duncan.

02:47:02.000 For people who come to the show who don't know who's on it, it's me and Duncan and Joey Diaz.

02:47:08.000 And it is the day before there is a UFC in New Jersey.

02:47:13.000 And we're at the Grand Ballroom.

02:47:16.000 In the Manhattan Center.

02:47:17.000 Should be a lot of fun.

02:47:18.000 I haven't been to New York in about...

02:47:20.000 It's probably been about a year.

02:47:22.000 Good times, you dirty freaks.

02:47:24.000 Thank you, again, to our sponsors, The Fleshlight.

02:47:27.000 Please go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, save yourself 15% off.

02:47:33.000 Thank you, again, to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.

02:47:42.000 All of them, all of your questions can be answered on onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. And for people that are asking about the kettlebells, everything's going to be handled really soon.

02:47:50.000 It's just a shipping issue we're trying to work out, so we have to move everything into a different location.

02:47:54.000 So within the next couple weeks, it'll be all for sale, and we'll let you know what's going down.

02:48:00.000 A lot of cool shit's coming up.

02:48:01.000 Good protein powder, hemp protein powder, and a bunch of other stuff.

02:48:05.000 So that's it.

02:48:06.000 We will see you all, like, Monday.

02:48:09.000 Kevin Smith wants to do next week.

02:48:10.000 I think I'm going to do his, though.

02:48:11.000 I think I have to do his.

02:48:12.000 I think that's how it works.

02:48:13.000 I think, you know, because he did ours last, so yeah, I've got to do his.

02:48:17.000 So I'll do that next week.

02:48:18.000 And we're going to try to get Dice next week, too.

02:48:20.000 Holla!

02:48:21.000 Yeah, we should have a bunch of fun ones coming up soon.

02:48:23.000 So that's it.

02:48:25.000 Sorry about the big bummer yesterday, ladies and gentlemen.

02:48:28.000 Sometimes things go wrong.

02:48:30.000 We don't mean that.

02:48:32.000 and it's much more fun to have a calm and cool and interesting podcast like this.

02:48:36.000 And the situation's been fixed if you did listen to it.

02:48:38.000 Yeah.

02:48:38.000 Ice House is now paying I don't have anything to do with it.

02:48:41.000 Yes.

02:48:41.000 We have a show Friday with Sarah Tiana.

02:48:44.000 There you go.

02:48:44.000 Sarah Tiana.

02:48:45.000 Make sure you tweet me that and I'll retweet that and we'll probably do one next week as well because I'm going to be back in town.

02:48:51.000 So thank you to everybody Thanks to all your messages, even your cunty ones about the little spat yesterday.

02:48:58.000 I see a lot of you have opinions and it's nice that you care.

02:49:02.000 Just try to be nice.

02:49:04.000 Try to be friendly.

02:49:05.000 Try not to be so twatty.

02:49:06.000 There's just too much twatty behavior in this world.

02:49:09.000 Don't be twatty.

02:49:10.000 So next week, which is like the 11th, we'll probably have another one at the Ice House.

02:49:14.000 So if you're planning on flying in from...

02:49:16.000 Where did people fly in from?

02:49:17.000 We had people fly in from.

02:49:18.000 Canada.

02:49:18.000 They were going on a comedy tour.

02:49:20.000 The Dust Squad show was the last show of the tour.

02:49:23.000 He just wrote me just to thank me.

02:49:26.000 That's the guy with the green shirt?

02:49:28.000 Yeah.

02:49:28.000 So I gave him a tour of the studio, which I usually don't do, but he's such a nice guy.

02:49:33.000 Yeah, great guy.

02:49:34.000 What's cool about that guy, too, is that he said that he ran into me at Sal's Comedy Hole a year ago, and I told him to do comedy.

02:49:41.000 So he went and did comedy, and now he's a comedian.

02:49:44.000 He was thinking about doing it, and I was like, go fucking do it, man.

02:49:46.000 And so he listened to me, and now he's actually a comedian.

02:49:50.000 He's touring all over the country.

02:49:52.000 Wow.

02:49:52.000 Crazy.

02:49:53.000 Isn't it amazing how fast you can change your fucking life?

02:49:56.000 Come on, do it!

02:49:57.000 Little inspiration, you pussies!

02:49:58.000 All that fear, get in the way!

02:49:59.000 Now you gotta get rid of that fucking Prius and get a man's car.

02:50:01.000 I'm gonna do it.

02:50:02.000 I figured out anything from this podcast.

02:50:04.000 Yes, I have to get a Charger.

02:50:05.000 Is that what I have to get?

02:50:06.000 Yeah, Challenger.

02:50:07.000 Fucking Challenger.

02:50:07.000 Charger's not bad, too.

02:50:08.000 Charger's got four doors pretty goddamn fast.

02:50:11.000 Excellent interior.

02:50:12.000 The SRT8 Challenger, very nice car.

02:50:15.000 So is the Charger.

02:50:16.000 Both very good cars.

02:50:16.000 And they're fucking American.

02:50:17.000 You can feel good about it.

02:50:18.000 Pull up to your dad's house in a goddamn American car.

02:50:21.000 He'll be so happy for you.

02:50:22.000 Damn right he was.

02:50:22.000 Wouldn't he be?

02:50:23.000 Yes, he would.

02:50:24.000 Son, I knew you'd come around and get off those Japanese gay cars.

02:50:28.000 My son.

02:50:29.000 So you don't like the penis.

02:50:30.000 Alright, you dirty bitches.

02:50:32.000 We'll see you soon.

02:50:32.000 Thanks for everything.

02:50:33.000 Bye-bye.

02:50:34.000 See you guys in New York.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 01, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #212 - Bryan Callen

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