The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #2122 - Protect Our Parks 11

00:00:16.000 So much shit to talk about. 1.00

00:00:18.000 You see that wild shit that's going on in Scotland where they're targeting comedians for hate crime laws? 1.00

00:00:23.000 Still? 0.99

00:00:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:00:24.000 What's his name?

00:00:25.000 Count Chocula?

00:00:26.000 Count Chocula?

00:00:27.000 Well, yeah, that was the same place with that guy, Dankula, right?

00:00:30.000 Count Dankula?

00:00:30.000 Yeah.

00:00:31.000 Dankula!

00:00:32.000 Sounds like a weed head.

00:00:33.000 Do you remember that one?

00:00:33.000 No.

00:00:34.000 He got in trouble for making his dog do a Hitler.

00:00:36.000 He trained his dog to go, how little did he just do it? 1.00

00:00:39.000 To fuck with his girlfriend. 1.00

00:00:39.000 German Shepherd. 1.00

00:00:40.000 You got in trouble for that?

00:00:41.000 No, it was a little pug.

00:00:42.000 Yeah, he got by the law.

00:00:43.000 It was a cute little pug. 0.60

00:00:44.000 Pull it up.

00:00:45.000 Bro, I think he got arrested.

00:00:45.000 I've done that in my whole life.

00:00:47.000 They brought him to fucking jail. 0.99

00:00:49.000 You get in trouble? 1.00

00:00:50.000 I do that every time I see a dog.

00:00:52.000 I did it with my friend's kid.

00:00:53.000 Yeah, you push his elbow and he does it.

00:00:55.000 Oh, really?

00:00:55.000 Please, Scotland, we won't target comedians under new hate crime law.

00:00:59.000 That's what you say now.

00:01:01.000 But stand-up shows still come under its scope.

00:01:04.000 Hmm.

00:01:05.000 Jesus Christ, Scotland. 0.99

00:01:07.000 You have one of the biggest fucking comedy festivals on earth. 0.99

00:01:10.000 That's true. 1.00

00:01:11.000 Every year.

00:01:11.000 It's a huge comedy festival.

00:01:13.000 But they're pretty queefy over there. 0.94

00:01:14.000 They'll cancel the show dick. 0.98

00:01:16.000 They'll queef it up. 0.99

00:01:16.000 But this is so queefy. 0.99

00:01:17.000 Hate crime.

00:01:18.000 Age, disability, religion, sexual orientation. 1.00

00:01:21.000 Fuck my whole act. 1.00

00:01:21.000 Yeah, everyone's whole act. 1.00

00:01:23.000 I was gonna say Marilyn's whole act.

00:01:24.000 Stirring up hatred on certain grounds.

00:01:26.000 It's everybody's act.

00:01:28.000 Sexual orientation, yeah.

00:01:29.000 What?

00:01:31.000 These are just things that exist.

00:01:33.000 You gotta talk about age. 0.98

00:01:36.000 This is so ridiculous. 0.99

00:01:40.000 Wow, Scotland got weird. 1.00

00:01:41.000 Is that a real thing?

00:01:42.000 No way.

00:01:42.000 The training material is based on Scottish government's explanatory notes which accompany the legislation.

00:01:48.000 This included examples of a range of scenarios where offenses might take place, but this does not mean officers have been told to target these situations or locations.

00:01:59.000 But they can if they want.

00:01:59.000 Yeah, but if they can if they want.

00:02:00.000 Dude, the mugshots from this are going to be hilarious.

00:02:04.000 Every comic hamming it up, getting arrested for an AIDS joke.

00:02:08.000 What's been explained to me by my friends in the UK, specifically Francis Foster from Trigonometry, he's awesome. 1.00

00:02:18.000 He was telling me that this government is on the way out and that they're out of their fucking mind. 0.99

00:02:24.000 Every fucking generation goes this way, then that way. 1.00

00:02:28.000 This way, they go too far left, then they go too far right. 1.00

00:02:32.000 And so these fucking kooks have decided they're gonna target people and put them in jail. 0.99

00:02:37.000 Did you hear what happened in Belgium? 1.00

00:02:39.000 The dude got a year in jail for memes that were shared.

00:02:43.000 Memes that they shared in a private chat.

00:02:46.000 What?

00:02:47.000 Yes!

00:02:48.000 They gave him a year.

00:02:50.000 We saw the memes.

00:02:52.000 The memes are nothing.

00:02:53.000 Wait, we saw the memes?

00:02:54.000 Yeah, you can see the memes.

00:02:55.000 The memes are online.

00:02:57.000 They're not that funny?

00:02:58.000 No, one of them was like a Hitler one that was like anti-Hitler.

00:03:02.000 It was like an anti-Nazi meme.

00:03:05.000 And this was one of the ones that was cited as being one of the offenses. 0.99

00:03:09.000 It's in a fucking private chat. 0.99

00:03:12.000 Imagine if I protect our hearts. 0.99

00:03:14.000 Before the show started, the conversation was cut out.

00:03:17.000 We should delete our data right now.

00:03:19.000 I think we should have a mass delete.

00:03:24.000 Turn the keys.

00:03:27.000 Yeah.

00:03:28.000 Oh, man.

00:03:29.000 The podcast alone.

00:03:30.000 Yeah, this is worse than the group chat.

00:03:32.000 By the end of this episode, it'll be worse than...

00:03:34.000 You think?

00:03:34.000 That's how it always goes.

00:03:35.000 You gotta see this...

00:03:37.000 The group chat is like, look at this kid falling.

00:03:39.000 I don't remember most of the back half. 1.00

00:03:40.000 You gotta see this Belgium story and realize this fucking dumb shit is happening in 2024 with the internet. 1.00

00:03:46.000 2024. And you're going after people's phones and their private group... 1.00

00:03:51.000 Private chat?

00:03:52.000 What? 0.99

00:03:52.000 If everyone's private shit got leaked, we'd all be... 0.99

00:03:54.000 But they go to jail for it, too? 1.00

00:03:56.000 Here's the thing.

00:03:56.000 How far are we from being able to listen to anybody talk at any time?

00:04:02.000 The government can already do it.

00:04:03.000 How far is, like, everybody from being able to do that and everybody assuming that everything you say all the time is being recorded?

00:04:11.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97

00:04:11.000 You know how fucked we're gonna be if that happens? 0.97

00:04:13.000 Well, it's good. 1.00

00:04:13.000 You got Alexa in your house. 1.00

00:04:14.000 Your phone hears everything.

00:04:16.000 Yeah, but it's also, it's like if it was actionable, like if you start talking about things, like say if you're talking about some kind of medication that you can't use or some new law that they're going to pass that's going to fuck up free speech, whatever it is, if you're talking about that and then all of a sudden cops show up, 1.00

00:04:32.000 if you're like, I want to kill these motherfuckers, because people say that shit. 1.00

00:04:36.000 You get around a guy, and he's drunk, and he makes $50,000 a year, and he sees where his tax money's going to, and he can barely get by, and he's fucking hammering, I wanna fucking kill Nancy Pelosi. 1.00

00:04:45.000 They get crazy! 1.00

00:04:47.000 People get crazy.

00:04:48.000 It doesn't mean they're actually gonna do it.

00:04:49.000 He's just getting drunk.

00:04:51.000 It's just drunk talk.

00:04:52.000 Other than that guy.

00:04:54.000 Put that hammer down and listen to me. 1.00

00:04:56.000 I wanna kill Nancy Pelosi. 1.00

00:04:57.000 He goes, nope. 1.00

00:04:58.000 That real go-getter.

00:04:59.000 Yeah.

00:05:00.000 That guy was like, nope.

00:05:01.000 What a wild moment when he looks, he sees a cop, he's like, oh, I guess it's now.

00:05:05.000 How about How crazy is Paul Pelosi that he only had one hand on the dude because his other hand was on his drink?

00:05:14.000 How much faith did he have that he could get away with things?

00:05:19.000 Well, they knew each other, clearly.

00:05:20.000 Do you think so?

00:05:22.000 The guy broke into the house with a hammer.

00:05:24.000 Seems like Paul was trying to keep it chill.

00:05:27.000 I don't think they knew each other.

00:05:28.000 No, I think that was the rumor that he was a gay lover.

00:05:32.000 That's what I heard.

00:05:32.000 Yeah, no, no, no.

00:05:33.000 There's a video of the guy using the hammer he hit him in the fucking head with to break into the house. 0.98

00:05:38.000 Like, he's banging on the back door. 1.00

00:05:40.000 That sounds like ex-girlfriend shit, though. 1.00

00:05:42.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:05:43.000 Does it, though? 0.98

00:05:44.000 I think it's a schizophrenic in your house with a hammer. 0.93

00:05:47.000 Nancy Pelosi was like, you said you wouldn't embarrass me. 1.00

00:05:49.000 Yeah, it's a gay quarrel. 1.00

00:05:50.000 Maybe she sent someone in to whack him. 0.99

00:05:53.000 Maybe she thought about half of that $200 million she stole. 1.00

00:05:55.000 And she's like, you know what?

00:05:57.000 This is a horrible video, man.

00:05:59.000 I hate this video.

00:05:59.000 He's like, come on over.

00:06:01.000 Because look at him.

00:06:01.000 He's not even looking.

00:06:02.000 And this guy's got a fucking hammer, and he's got his hand on the hammer, and then the guy breaks the hammer loose and just bangs him in the head. 1.00

00:06:08.000 Jesus! 0.99

00:06:09.000 No, he hit him more than once, I think.

00:06:11.000 When he went down, he hit him again.

00:06:13.000 But the thing is, like, he's snoring. 0.97

00:06:15.000 Now, when you're that old, and you get knocked the fuck out like that, that is really bad. 0.51

00:06:22.000 I mean, he might not ever be the same again. 1.00

00:06:24.000 He got hit in the head with a fucking metal hammer. 0.99

00:06:27.000 Still holding the drink though, you're right. 1.00

00:06:29.000 Bro, it's crazy he only had one hand on that hammer.

00:06:31.000 That is so nuts.

00:06:33.000 It's his superiority.

00:06:35.000 His confidence that he has that everything's gonna be fine.

00:06:40.000 That's a big guy too. 1.00

00:06:42.000 Big crazy looking motherfucker who just broke into your house and he has a hammer. 1.00

00:06:49.000 He thought that he was gonna like keep that guy chill until the cops got there and once the cops got there he's gonna keep him chill then they're just gonna arrest that guy. 1.00

00:06:56.000 He's like leading him forward too.

00:06:57.000 He's like come on, come on. 1.00

00:06:59.000 You can't let a guy turn your hand that way stupid. 1.00

00:07:02.000 You're against your thumb now. 1.00

00:07:04.000 If someone's grabbing something and trying to take it from you, look, always have something this way.

00:07:10.000 Wait, that's the...

00:07:11.000 Yeah, this is the guy breaking into the house.

00:07:13.000 He's so calm.

00:07:14.000 I know. 1.00

00:07:15.000 He's a fucking psychopath. 1.00

00:07:16.000 I love it. 1.00

00:07:18.000 He's so calm.

00:07:19.000 So he pulls out a hammer.

00:07:20.000 Look, he's got a sleeping bag. 1.00

00:07:21.000 He's a fucking crazy homeless dude. 1.00

00:07:24.000 Wow, he got in there pretty easy. 1.00

00:07:25.000 Do you think he had any idea it was a Pelosi's?

00:07:27.000 Is that what we're saying?

00:07:28.000 How does this guy not have top-notch security?

00:07:32.000 I know, right?

00:07:32.000 How are you so confident that you could just sleep in that house?

00:07:35.000 Yeah, he could be, yeah.

00:07:37.000 In your crime-infested city?

00:07:40.000 That is so crazy.

00:07:41.000 I mean, that city is infested with crime.

00:07:44.000 He's so calm.

00:07:45.000 He looks like the comic book guy.

00:07:47.000 He's totally got a plan.

00:07:49.000 And he's also confident no one has a gun.

00:07:52.000 I like how he pulls out carefully all his tools and then the plan is, smash it!

00:07:57.000 He still can't get in. 0.99

00:08:02.000 So he bashes through this fucking door, which took a while. 0.99

00:08:06.000 It made a lot of noise. 1.00

00:08:07.000 Pelosi's pretty calm.

00:08:08.000 I would be freaking out.

00:08:09.000 Insane.

00:08:10.000 The guy broke the door with a hammer.

00:08:13.000 Good point.

00:08:15.000 Maybe we missed a whole chunk where the guy just runs up to him and blows him.

00:08:19.000 Maybe he broke in.

00:08:20.000 This was the fantasy.

00:08:21.000 The fantasy was like, and then Pelosi's like, I'm not pranking you.

00:08:24.000 The cops are here.

00:08:25.000 You broke my door.

00:08:26.000 Exactly. 0.90

00:08:27.000 And then he hits him with a hammer.

00:08:28.000 Maybe we're missing contacts.

00:08:30.000 Thank God you're here.

00:08:31.000 Bro, that's a horrific video to watch, though.

00:08:33.000 I won't listen to it.

00:08:35.000 It's horrible.

00:08:35.000 It's a clunk.

00:08:36.000 It's a horrible thud and then the snoring.

00:08:39.000 Regardless of what you think about them stealing money, that's terrible.

00:08:42.000 That's just terrible.

00:08:43.000 They definitely stole a lot of money.

00:08:44.000 I follow her stock tips.

00:08:47.000 I say stole money.

00:08:48.000 What I should be saying is engaged in insider trading that's legal.

00:08:51.000 There you go.

00:08:52.000 And it's just nuts that it's legal.

00:08:54.000 It's nuts that they can pass laws and they know the laws are coming and then they buy up stock and then they get...

00:09:02.000 Yeah, but who's...

00:09:02.000 They can't be stopped.

00:09:04.000 Who's going to stop them?

00:09:05.000 They would have to stop them.

00:09:05.000 Other than a hero.

00:09:06.000 A hammer.

00:09:07.000 Other than one heroic schizophrenic.

00:09:12.000 I mean, how do you stop them?

00:09:14.000 Bro.

00:09:15.000 They make the rules.

00:09:15.000 That's going to be a weird feeling to know that everybody knows that you got all your money by being a corrupt politician and you're just wandering around.

00:09:24.000 Yeah.

00:09:25.000 Just like, what are you going to do about it?

00:09:26.000 Yeah, what are you going to do about it?

00:09:27.000 Listen, the companies needed financial support.

00:09:29.000 We supported them and we were rewarded for that.

00:09:31.000 That's also why they probably need to keep making money. 0.87

00:09:33.000 Like, they need security.

00:09:35.000 Lots more and more security.

00:09:36.000 Yeah, they need a lot of security.

00:09:38.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:09:38.000 Higgins going wild. 0.71

00:09:40.000 He did so good.

00:09:44.000 Isn't it funny that Pelosi only gets the blunt of it?

00:09:47.000 Like, everybody else is doing it too.

00:09:49.000 She's the Speaker of the House. 1.00

00:09:50.000 Right, she's the Speaker of the House. 1.00

00:09:52.000 Well, she was.

00:09:53.000 Who's Higgins?

00:09:54.000 Who's Spy?

00:09:54.000 What does this mean?

00:09:55.000 Spy's like the S&P 500. Hold on, but this is based on the percentage of their returns.

00:10:01.000 Right.

00:10:02.000 So maybe Higgins is a new guy that just is in there getting really rich.

00:10:06.000 Pelosi's getting...

00:10:06.000 Right, but he's going after it hard.

00:10:08.000 He's going wild.

00:10:09.000 This is like the guy wearing the coat in Goodfellas.

00:10:12.000 Yes!

00:10:12.000 Higgins, you!

00:10:21.000 I'm only here for one term.

00:10:22.000 I'm going to get mine.

00:10:23.000 Bro, that was such a good scene.

00:10:25.000 Such a good scene in Goodfellas. 0.99

00:10:27.000 You realize they have to kill that guy because he's got a Cadillac. 0.97

00:10:30.000 Get your shine box. 1.00

00:10:32.000 No, no, no.

00:10:33.000 That was a different one.

00:10:34.000 In his defense, he said it lacks context.

00:10:36.000 Insider trading.

00:10:37.000 Viral post leads to claims of insider trading.

00:10:40.000 He says it lacks context.

00:10:42.000 What's the context?

00:10:42.000 Those numbers provide a distorted view of the facts.

00:10:45.000 Oh, okay.

00:10:46.000 Tell me more.

00:10:47.000 Tell me more, sir.

00:10:50.000 What does it say?

00:10:51.000 Higgins' argument is our argument.

00:10:53.000 It's like it's out of context.

00:10:54.000 Right.

00:10:55.000 It's funny that he has to...

00:10:57.000 Here it goes.

00:10:58.000 These numbers provide a distorted view of the facts that a spokesperson for Higgins, even better move, use a spokesperson.

00:11:04.000 In a statement to 7 News, the truth is Congressman Higgins has minimal investments and holdings.

00:11:10.000 In 2023, one position, which he had held for years and is held by millions of other people, performed well.

00:11:16.000 Rep.

00:11:16.000 Higgins follows all ethics and financial reporting requirements.

00:11:20.000 Relatively speaking, he is always ranked amongst the most modest income earners in Congress.

00:11:25.000 No, it said he had less than 100 grand in the stocks.

00:11:27.000 So when he went up 80 grand, it was like, that's massive.

00:11:31.000 It's like the Pistons winning two games in a row.

00:11:33.000 Also, if he has minimal investments and holdings, he just gets lucky and he's got one of them is like NVIDIA. NVIDIA is a common one to hold.

00:11:41.000 And he goes, I've had it for years, it doubled. 0.98

00:11:43.000 It definitely jumped up when Nancy Pelosi fucking passed them bills. 1.00

00:11:48.000 Hey Nancy, you know anything about NVIDIA? Anything, Chance, I could do better? 0.99

00:11:51.000 I got a lot of money to bring up with this.

00:11:53.000 You gotta admire it because it's in front of everybody.

00:11:55.000 What do they care?

00:11:57.000 I mean, she banged Kennedy. 0.88

00:11:59.000 Did she?

00:11:59.000 Pull that photo up.

00:12:00.000 Pelosi?

00:12:01.000 Yeah, she was super young and hot. 1.00

00:12:03.000 No.

00:12:03.000 But are you sure she banged him or did she just knew him?

00:12:06.000 Well, I think if you're in Kennedy's orbit, you're blowing him.

00:12:08.000 You kind of want to and have to.

00:12:10.000 Minimum.

00:12:11.000 That's true.

00:12:12.000 Minimum?

00:12:13.000 I think that's pretty standard.

00:12:14.000 Isn't it funny that everybody considers him like our greatest of all time president?

00:12:17.000 Hey, look at the young tans. 1.00

00:12:19.000 He's 17. She's 17, Pablosi.

00:12:23.000 Wow. 1.00

00:12:24.000 She's 17, Mark, you sex pervert. 1.00

00:12:26.000 Oh, is that right? 1.00

00:12:27.000 Well, that was legal.

00:12:29.000 She's still older than us.

00:12:30.000 Do you really think JFK was banging 17-year-olds?

00:12:33.000 Yes.

00:12:34.000 100%.

00:12:35.000 Wasn't frowned upon.

00:12:36.000 Is that an insane...

00:12:37.000 Imagine bringing that up in a history class.

00:12:40.000 Imagine being in, like, a history class.

00:12:42.000 That's a cool teacher.

00:12:44.000 And telling the teacher, you know what I think?

00:12:45.000 Yeah.

00:12:46.000 Wasn't he probably, though, begging a lot of 17-year-olds?

00:12:49.000 I'm like, no.

00:12:49.000 Let's get back to the Bay of Pigs.

00:12:51.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:12:52.000 Let's talk about that.

00:12:53.000 That's a good name for his pool. 0.99

00:12:54.000 Did he literally fuck everything that moved? 1.00

00:12:55.000 Bay of Pigs. 1.00

00:12:56.000 Sorry.

00:12:58.000 It's kind of crazy, but to be the leader of a country like that, it's almost like a prerequisite.

00:13:03.000 You have to be a poonhound.

00:13:04.000 That's the only reason why you have the ambition to get to that spot in the first place.

00:13:08.000 Yeah, and up until Clinton, you kind of made fun of the girls. 0.95

00:13:11.000 And if you're not and you get into that position, now I'm skeptical.

00:13:15.000 What's your motive?

00:13:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:18.000 Because it's either war and money or pussy. 1.00

00:13:21.000 I'll take the guy who just wants pussy every day of the week. 1.00

00:13:24.000 It seems like the best ones. 1.00

00:13:26.000 Clinton when he was president.

00:13:28.000 Trump.

00:13:29.000 Trump, for sure. 1.00

00:13:31.000 Obama won a dick. 1.00

00:13:32.000 That's allegedly, sir. 1.00

00:13:35.000 That's allegedly.

00:13:37.000 Allegedly.

00:13:39.000 But our favorite is JFK, and he's like the known biggest poon out. 1.00

00:13:42.000 He's the known.

00:13:42.000 The known biggest.

00:13:43.000 What about those older guys, the drawn guys?

00:13:46.000 Poonhounds?

00:13:47.000 Yeah.

00:13:47.000 Which ones?

00:13:47.000 Like the old-timey guys?

00:13:49.000 Yeah.

00:13:50.000 The ones that were drawn, not photographing.

00:13:52.000 Oh, what about the guy in the wheelchair?

00:13:53.000 Back in the drawing days, you could do whatever you wanted.

00:13:57.000 You're not going to be here long enough for someone to sketch this. 0.99

00:13:58.000 You could kill them. 1.00

00:13:59.000 You could kill a lady. 1.00

00:14:00.000 You could kill everybody. 1.00

00:14:01.000 And just go to the next town. 1.00

00:14:02.000 You could kill everybody. 1.00

00:14:03.000 And then they ask you, did you kill them? 1.00

00:14:04.000 We're moving to Annapolis.

00:14:06.000 Sorry, Philly.

00:14:07.000 And then he did it again.

00:14:08.000 He goes, let's go further.

00:14:09.000 What were their investigations like?

00:14:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:13.000 You know? 0.85

00:14:13.000 Did you kill him? 0.85

00:14:14.000 Nope.

00:14:14.000 Nope forensics.

00:14:15.000 Sounds good.

00:14:17.000 Yeah.

00:14:18.000 Yeah, just evidence.

00:14:20.000 God, the lawyers back then, it's like, I just lost the witch trials.

00:14:23.000 I'm your new attorney. 1.00

00:14:24.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:14:26.000 That was the worst lawyer of all time. 1.00

00:14:28.000 How did you lose that one? 1.00

00:14:29.000 The witch trials are the wildest shit of all time. 1.00

00:14:32.000 They're witches. 1.00

00:14:32.000 I got nothing. 1.00

00:14:33.000 They didn't even give you a lawyer back then.

00:14:34.000 That's like pretty new.

00:14:35.000 Yeah.

00:14:36.000 They have to give you a lawyer.

00:14:37.000 They're just like, I can read.

00:14:38.000 You can't.

00:14:39.000 Good luck with your trial.

00:14:40.000 I think mostly they drowned them, too.

00:14:42.000 It wasn't really a burning thing.

00:14:44.000 The burning thing is kind of a misnomer, right?

00:14:46.000 Is that right, Mark?

00:14:47.000 I don't know.

00:14:48.000 The drowning thing they used to do for sure...

00:14:49.000 He just pointed at me.

00:14:50.000 They definitely drowned them, right?

00:14:51.000 They had this thing where they would put you in, like, lock you to a chair and throw you in a pond.

00:14:55.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:14:55.000 And then they'd be like, if she's a witch, she's gonna get out. 0.71

00:14:58.000 Right.

00:14:58.000 And then no one ever got out.

00:15:00.000 No one ever got out.

00:15:00.000 But also, like, Jesus Christ.

00:15:02.000 If she was a witch, she would just leave. 1.00

00:15:05.000 If they floated, they were proven to be a witch.

00:15:06.000 If they drowned, too bad.

00:15:08.000 But at least they weren't a witch.

00:15:12.000 According to Smith, this type of test was also a myth carried over from early European history.

00:15:19.000 It's just like the burning at the stake. 0.99

00:15:21.000 Now they're just cunts. 0.99

00:15:23.000 Well, that's not true, though. 1.00

00:15:24.000 I guarantee they burn some people alive.

00:15:27.000 They definitely burn some people alive. 0.95

00:15:29.000 They definitely.

00:15:29.000 What if they didn't have a leg near them?

00:15:31.000 Listen, man, they killed people in horrific ways and just lied about it when they wrote it down afterwards.

00:15:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:15:36.000 There's a lot of that.

00:15:37.000 Museum of Torture in Amsterdam?

00:15:38.000 I went to that.

00:15:39.000 It rules. 1.00

00:15:40.000 It's just like this pyramid that you're supposed to let a guy put his ass on and just pull down. 1.00

00:15:45.000 That's a good way to go. 0.99

00:15:46.000 That's a good one.

00:15:46.000 Pull him apart.

00:15:48.000 That sucked. 0.99

00:15:49.000 One was the coffin with the spikes in it and they close it on you. 1.00

00:15:51.000 Well, that fucking Vlad the Impaler guy. 0.99

00:15:57.000 So the witch trials in Salem consisted mainly of a physical examination for the witch's test? 1.00

00:16:04.000 Teat.

00:16:04.000 The teat.

00:16:05.000 Oh, what is that? 0.99

00:16:06.000 Which the Puritans believed was a sort of third nipple from which witches familiar would suck blood. 0.99

00:16:13.000 Oh my god. 0.98

00:16:15.000 Woe be unto a woman with skin tags or a weird mole. 1.00

00:16:20.000 Damn. 1.00

00:16:21.000 Damn, you got a skin tag. 1.00

00:16:23.000 You're getting your head cut off. 1.00

00:16:25.000 Surprisingly modern language on that. 0.99

00:16:27.000 A weird mole. 0.94

00:16:28.000 They think of familiar sucking blood out of your third tit.

00:16:31.000 You know how those ended? 0.86

00:16:32.000 The witch trials? 0.97

00:16:34.000 Some lady was like, you're a witch! 1.00

00:16:36.000 And everybody went, ah. 0.99

00:16:38.000 And that was it.

00:16:39.000 It just ended because they were getting annoyed with how she was just calling everybody she hated a witch.

00:16:44.000 Well, you know how it started?

00:16:45.000 There's your fifth one.

00:16:45.000 It started with ergot.

00:16:47.000 They had an early frost, and when you have an early frost sometimes, it gives you...

00:16:51.000 I see you, Jamie.

00:16:52.000 This says that's a myth.

00:16:53.000 I saw it at the bottom. 1.00

00:16:55.000 I saw you, you nasty fucker. 1.00

00:16:57.000 And ergot has like an... 1.00

00:17:00.000 I watched him.

00:17:01.000 He knows the story.

00:17:02.000 No, it says it's a myth.

00:17:03.000 No, you can see that at the bottom.

00:17:05.000 That's what it says.

00:17:05.000 What's ergot?

00:17:05.000 Wait a minute, but they've proven that ergot was in wheat during that time.

00:17:09.000 I was just saying...

00:17:12.000 What's Urgot?

00:17:13.000 When you win all five awards?

00:17:14.000 Hold on, let Jamie talk so I can hear what he's saying.

00:17:18.000 Massachusetts would not have had that problem, but I don't know why.

00:17:20.000 It says they would have known how to fix it by then.

00:17:22.000 Yeah, but they found evidence of Urgot.

00:17:24.000 But the problem is they found evidence.

00:17:26.000 Find that.

00:17:27.000 Because I know they found, one of the reasons why they came up with this theory in the first place is they found evidence of Urgot.

00:17:32.000 What's ergot? 0.99

00:17:33.000 It's like a fucking fungus that grows on wheat and it makes people trip balls, like acid. 0.99

00:17:39.000 For sure there was one that happened in France, where a bunch of people died. 0.99

00:17:44.000 It's actually the thing that they found in those vessels that show that the Romans and the ancient Greek were doing those psychedelic rituals.

00:17:53.000 They found these pottery vessels that have ergot in them.

00:17:56.000 Is it available anymore?

00:17:58.000 Ergon, I think, it's still available.

00:18:01.000 But it's super toxic, too.

00:18:04.000 It kills people.

00:18:04.000 The theory that went popular was started in a 1976 edition of Science Magazine, where it talked about the ergot theory, but as of now, they think that it is not probably true.

00:18:16.000 Interesting, but why do they think it's not true?

00:18:20.000 When they start dismissing psychedelic stuff, I'm always like, how do you know for sure, for sure?

00:18:26.000 Because if ergot does exist, and ergot is a thing that grows on wheat, and a bunch of people are just fucking freaking out about things...

00:18:36.000 The cultural fascination of LSD during this period.

00:18:39.000 Was it the same?

00:18:39.000 It was in the 70s.

00:18:40.000 So this theory came out in the 70s, it said.

00:18:42.000 The theory came out.

00:18:43.000 So when people started using acid, the theory came out.

00:18:46.000 See, I was under the impression that there was actual evidence of ergot in samples that they got.

00:18:51.000 I'm looking for that.

00:18:52.000 I found this by typing in evidence of ergot.

00:18:54.000 I might be mixed up because I know they found evidence.

00:18:57.000 No, I've heard that story.

00:18:58.000 Yeah, I've heard it, but I'm not sure if it's true.

00:19:00.000 But I know they found evidence for sure in these ancient pottery vessels. 0.61

00:19:04.000 So they know these people that were involved in the Eleusinian mysteries and all that shit that was going down in Greece 2,000 plus years ago. 0.99

00:19:13.000 They were tripping balls. 0.97

00:19:13.000 It just says it led to this theory being put in the school curriculum as an explanation for the... 0.97

00:19:18.000 No way.

00:19:19.000 School curriculum's taught that?

00:19:20.000 I don't know that they have actual evidence of it.

00:19:23.000 Interesting.

00:19:24.000 Other than just being passed on.

00:19:25.000 I think I'm done with acid.

00:19:26.000 We got mushrooms, I don't need acid anymore.

00:19:29.000 I'm the opposite.

00:19:30.000 You like acid more?

00:19:31.000 I've been way more into acid lately.

00:19:32.000 What?

00:19:33.000 You can control it.

00:19:34.000 No.

00:19:35.000 Smooth, smooth.

00:19:36.000 It's a chemical.

00:19:38.000 You're not hitting the floor.

00:19:40.000 Bro, you are trusting bathtub chemists with your sanity.

00:19:44.000 Yeah.

00:19:44.000 Exactly.

00:19:45.000 You are trusting.

00:19:46.000 They're the most trustworthy.

00:19:48.000 The CIA's writing this down right now, and they're like, dos Ari Shafir with the good stuff.

00:19:54.000 The stuff we used on Jack Ruby.

00:19:57.000 Also, it's liquid.

00:19:58.000 You can put it on paper.

00:19:59.000 You can put it on your hand.

00:20:00.000 The cheeseburger seeps in.

00:20:01.000 It's so good.

00:20:02.000 That's gonna be a myth, too.

00:20:04.000 You think?

00:20:04.000 It seeps in your hands?

00:20:05.000 I don't think it seeps in.

00:20:06.000 No, it definitely does.

00:20:07.000 That's how the original...

00:20:08.000 Yeah, that's how...

00:20:09.000 What's his face?

00:20:10.000 Leary?

00:20:10.000 I have touched it a lot with my bare hands.

00:20:13.000 I've never gotten anything while I'm moving it place to place.

00:20:15.000 What was the name of Albert Hoffman?

00:20:17.000 That's how Albert Hoffman discovered it.

00:20:20.000 It was a women's fertility drug they're working on. 0.78

00:20:23.000 But wasn't it still wet?

00:20:24.000 It was to induce labor.

00:20:27.000 Was it dried in or was it still wet?

00:20:30.000 I think he just got it on his hands.

00:20:32.000 And he had a crazy dose, apparently.

00:20:35.000 And then went on a bike ride. 0.99

00:20:36.000 And this dude was just dripping balls. 0.97

00:20:39.000 We went to a festival in Western Georgia a couple years ago. 0.98

00:20:42.000 And somebody was testing all the coke.

00:20:44.000 We gotta test it first.

00:20:45.000 I thought that meant just try it.

00:20:46.000 But they were like...

00:20:47.000 You know, chemically tested.

00:20:49.000 Like a fentanyl.

00:20:49.000 They're like, 100% pure, buy coke from that guy.

00:20:51.000 And then later they went to get acid from this chick on a bus and they were like, tested it.

00:20:56.000 0% acid in that.

00:20:57.000 What was it?

00:20:58.000 Some sort of like liquid mescaline.

00:21:00.000 And then the guy who had it was like, it was freshly dipped.

00:21:03.000 It's all over my hands.

00:21:04.000 And he just started flying.

00:21:05.000 One of the stories I know as a music engineer of this being true because of the guy that like made acid was a Grateful Dead engineer.

00:21:12.000 Half a century.

00:21:13.000 The guy who made acid?

00:21:15.000 One of the guys.

00:21:16.000 Oh, a guy who made it.

00:21:17.000 Like one of the guys.

00:21:18.000 Oh, the guys, right.

00:21:19.000 Okay, so not only is LSD absorbed through the skin on contact, but it can apparently stay potent for half a century.

00:21:26.000 San Francisco sound engineer Elliot Curtis found that out for himself when he was fixing a 1960s synthesizer and then tripped for nine hours straight, completely unaware that the device had been encrusted with decades-old LSD. That guy took acid and made up a story,

00:21:48.000 bro.

00:21:49.000 Or somebody painted their... 1.00

00:21:51.000 Imagine if you leave a synthesizer and you go, I'm going to paint this bitch with acid. 1.00

00:21:56.000 Someone's eventually going to touch this. 1.00

00:21:57.000 Someone's going to get their greasy fucking hands on this. 0.99

00:22:00.000 Painted it. 1.00

00:22:00.000 Just go see God. 1.00

00:22:02.000 Well, the old myth is Manson dipped a bunch of Bible pages in acid and then brought a Bible into prison that would just eat it every day.

00:22:09.000 Well, Manson was in touch with Jolly West.

00:22:12.000 Jolly West visited Manson when he was in prison.

00:22:15.000 Jolly West was the head of MKUltra, and they did LSD experiments on people.

00:22:18.000 And that's the primary theory in the book, Chaos.

00:22:22.000 Chaos by this guy, Tom O'Neil.

00:22:23.000 They made him crazy?

00:22:24.000 He's Fitzsimmons, buddy.

00:22:25.000 Do you know Fitzsimmons was next door neighbor to this guy?

00:22:28.000 He was writing his book on the Manson family murders for like 20 years.

00:22:31.000 That's Tom O'Neil.

00:22:32.000 The book's insane.

00:22:33.000 So this Jolly West guy visited Manson when he was in jail, visited Jack Ruby when he was in prison, and Jack Ruby went nuts.

00:22:39.000 Wait, before they did the thing?

00:22:42.000 Yeah, before they did the thing.

00:22:44.000 Look, I think what it was was they were trying to get rid of the anti-war movement, and they were trying to get rid of the civil rights movement, and they were trying to get rid of a bunch of different things that were going on at the same time, and one of the ways they did it It was to, A, make all drugs illegal.

00:22:56.000 But one of the best ways to make all drugs illegal and discredit the hippies is dose up a bunch of them and get it to murder people in horrific ways.

00:23:04.000 And then all of a sudden the hippies become the most dangerous force in America.

00:23:07.000 And if you've got the power of the media behind you and you've pushed that narrative and you make it happen, You know, you're essentially waging war on American civilians.

00:23:18.000 You're essentially waging, like, a psychological war on the population that's paying your salary.

00:23:23.000 It is a wild thing they did, but they definitely did it. 1.00

00:23:27.000 Damn. 1.00

00:23:28.000 Yeah, CIA's fucking lame. 1.00

00:23:31.000 They have too much power. 1.00

00:23:32.000 Like, all groups that have too much power, you're gonna do some wacky shit. 0.99

00:23:35.000 The Dulles brothers, they can kick rocks as far as I'm concerned. 0.99

00:23:40.000 Who's that?

00:23:40.000 Dallas Airport?

00:23:41.000 Yeah.

00:23:42.000 That's them.

00:23:42.000 Dallas, Texas?

00:23:43.000 They might be involved in the assassination of Kennedy, too.

00:23:44.000 They probably killed JFK. Oh, shit! 1.00

00:23:47.000 I think there was a lot of people involved in that. 1.00

00:23:49.000 I think that guy was...

00:23:50.000 He was tossing up the apple cart a little too much.

00:23:52.000 Too much?

00:23:53.000 They were like, uh-uh.

00:23:54.000 Too many people.

00:23:54.000 And back then, again, this was just 50 years past the drawing of people.

00:23:59.000 I mean, like, you go to fucking look for a photo from 1890. Good luck, bitch. 1.00

00:24:05.000 So, you know, see, here you are. 1.00

00:24:07.000 60, 70 years later.

00:24:08.000 That's nothing.

00:24:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:24:09.000 And then you're dealing with one president that's gonna get rid of the fucking Federal Reserve. 0.99

00:24:14.000 Shut the fuck up, you are. 1.00

00:24:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:24:17.000 What the fuck is this guy doing? 0.99

00:24:19.000 And then he's gonna get in a convertible and drive through Texas where they hated him in Texas. 1.00

00:24:24.000 Pretty ballsy.

00:24:25.000 Suddenly it's a convertible.

00:24:26.000 But they hated him in Texas.

00:24:27.000 Great headshot.

00:24:28.000 They hated him in Texas.

00:24:30.000 Like, Texas was red.

00:24:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:32.000 He was driving through Dallas.

00:24:33.000 They hated him.

00:24:34.000 You ever go to the X in Dallas?

00:24:36.000 Yeah, go out the street.

00:24:37.000 That's fun.

00:24:37.000 Fun to see it.

00:24:38.000 Isn't it weird how little it is?

00:24:39.000 Like, the area?

00:24:40.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:24:41.000 Anybody who says you couldn't make that shot is out of their fucking minds. 1.00

00:24:44.000 Out of their fucking minds. 1.00

00:24:46.000 All the arguments that he couldn't make that shot are so stupid. 1.00

00:24:49.000 You think? 1.00

00:24:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:24:50.000 He got three off pretty quick, though, right?

00:24:52.000 Here's the thing.

00:24:52.000 And he missed one by, like, a mile?

00:24:54.000 It doesn't mean even that that was him.

00:24:57.000 It doesn't mean that.

00:24:58.000 It just means he was in that building.

00:25:00.000 I like it.

00:25:01.000 We're back on the same page.

00:25:02.000 The thing about it is, the thing about it is, they made up a theory.

00:25:06.000 On the count of three, one, two, three, and then everyone just shot.

00:25:09.000 No, they did something like that.

00:25:11.000 They saw him, they probably all had a signal, something happened.

00:25:14.000 Maybe an umbrella right next to him? 1.00

00:25:15.000 They're not- if they're gonna shoot the fucking president- His wife, Jacqueline? 1.00

00:25:18.000 No, there was a guy opening an umbrella for no- No, that's nonsense. 1.00

00:25:21.000 Nah, you saw it.

00:25:21.000 I've seen that.

00:25:22.000 It's nonsense.

00:25:22.000 It's just a guy opening an umbrella.

00:25:24.000 Some people think his fucking bodyguard shot him. 0.99

00:25:27.000 The whole Secret Service guy shot him. 1.00

00:25:28.000 Look, there was probably a bunch of people shooting at him.

00:25:31.000 He got hit in the neck, for sure.

00:25:33.000 He grabs his neck.

00:25:34.000 From the front.

00:25:35.000 Yeah, from the front.

00:25:36.000 He grabs his neck.

00:25:37.000 They altered it when they got to the second autopsy.

00:25:40.000 They did two autopsies.

00:25:41.000 They got his body initially in Dallas, and then they flew it to Bethesda.

00:25:45.000 So in the interim, they changed what was listed as an entry hole in his neck to a tracheotomy.

00:25:53.000 And they say it's just like, no, no, that was just like, they did it wrong over there.

00:25:57.000 Well, there was a lot of shenanigans between the two autopsies.

00:26:01.000 The autopsies, they wouldn't let them do it.

00:26:02.000 The federal, they took the body.

00:26:04.000 The generals showed up. 1.00

00:26:05.000 It was heavy-duty shit. 1.00

00:26:07.000 All people, they're like, he's got to go. 1.00

00:26:08.000 The best book on this is Best Evidence by a guy named David Lifton, who was an accountant.

00:26:12.000 They hired him to go over the Warren Commission report.

00:26:17.000 And he went, no, I'm sorry.

00:26:18.000 Sorry.

00:26:19.000 Back and to the left.

00:26:21.000 So this guy goes over this.

00:26:23.000 Nobody would read the whole Warrant Commission report. 0.99

00:26:25.000 It's like fucking 900 pages. 0.99

00:26:27.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:26:27.000 But this dude read all of it. 0.99

00:26:28.000 He read all of it and found all these inconsistencies, all these things that didn't make sense.

00:26:32.000 Yeah.

00:26:32.000 And so he writes this book about it.

00:26:33.000 His research was just reading it.

00:26:36.000 Yeah.

00:26:36.000 The thing that was out that no one went to.

00:26:38.000 Yeah, well, that's all he had to start doing.

00:26:39.000 A lot of people died, dude.

00:26:41.000 A lot of people that saw the assassination died in weird ways.

00:26:45.000 Bobby, too.

00:26:45.000 Like a giant number of people that were on the scene died.

00:26:48.000 Oh, really?

00:26:49.000 Yeah.

00:26:50.000 Yeah.

00:26:50.000 Yeah, weird ways.

00:26:51.000 Like, they did a statistical analysis of what are the likelihood of all these people being either murdered or suicide within a short period of time, and it was very low.

00:27:00.000 Well, thank God for Zapruder. 0.68

00:27:01.000 He was like the original world star.

00:27:02.000 He was the guy, yeah.

00:27:03.000 He was world star.

00:27:04.000 He was out there filming.

00:27:06.000 And isn't it crazy that we know about this because of Dick Gregory?

00:27:10.000 Is that right?

00:27:11.000 Dick Gregory the comic brought on the Geraldo Rivera show.

00:27:14.000 We know about this because of Geraldo and Dick Gregory.

00:27:16.000 I didn't know that. 0.99

00:27:17.000 Yep, they played it live on TV, and it's fucking crazy. 0.98

00:27:20.000 You gotta imagine, that was 12 years after the assassination. 0.98

00:27:23.000 You know Dick Gregory completely stopping a comic to become a full-time activist?

00:27:27.000 Yeah, he started that train.

00:27:29.000 Right around here.

00:27:30.000 Right around here.

00:27:31.000 He's going through here.

00:27:33.000 He gets hit.

00:27:35.000 Right here he gets hit.

00:27:36.000 Boom.

00:27:37.000 He's hit.

00:27:38.000 Is he?

00:27:39.000 Yes.

00:27:39.000 Oh, the neck.

00:27:40.000 He's hit.

00:27:40.000 Now we know something's going on.

00:27:42.000 My wife does nothing. 1.00

00:27:44.000 Thank you.

00:27:44.000 I mean, he literally got shot in the neck.

00:27:47.000 I mean, he's already probably dead.

00:27:49.000 Seems pretty serious.

00:27:51.000 But now watch this one.

00:27:52.000 This is a rough one.

00:27:52.000 This is why I'm voting for RFK. Oh, he's spewing!

00:27:57.000 Yeah, I mean, his head exploded.

00:27:59.000 His head just exploded.

00:28:00.000 Well, I missed it.

00:28:01.000 His head exploded.

00:28:02.000 Exploded.

00:28:02.000 And she's like, oh, it's over.

00:28:03.000 Now, is this an AI enhancement of this, Jamie?

00:28:06.000 It says it's a super slow-mo and sharpened version.

00:28:08.000 That's a good agent. 0.99

00:28:09.000 Yo, how come nobody's throwing the Zapruder film into AI to clean this shit up? 0.99

00:28:13.000 Yeah! 0.99

00:28:14.000 Good point.

00:28:15.000 Bro, that is the wildest video.

00:28:17.000 Can we see that again?

00:28:18.000 He definitely got hit again.

00:28:20.000 Head blow.

00:28:21.000 Head blow is tough.

00:28:22.000 You're right.

00:28:22.000 He's probably already dead.

00:28:23.000 He got hit through the neck with a bullet. 0.87

00:28:24.000 He's already dead. 0.92

00:28:25.000 He's dead.

00:28:26.000 He just hasn't died yet.

00:28:27.000 Wait a minute.

00:28:28.000 Oh! 0.60

00:28:31.000 She's lucky she didn't get in the way.

00:28:32.000 Jamie, slow that down again. 0.96

00:28:34.000 And then she freaks the fuck out. 1.00

00:28:36.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:28:37.000 Who's that guy behind? 0.98

00:28:38.000 Who's the guy behind, though?

00:28:41.000 Everybody's freaking out.

00:28:42.000 There's gunshots going off.

00:28:43.000 She had something to do with it.

00:28:45.000 This lady? 1.00

00:28:45.000 She had something to do with it. 1.00

00:28:46.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:47.000 It's so hot she's there with no man. 0.65

00:28:48.000 Now, here's what's interesting.

00:28:50.000 Here's what's interesting.

00:28:51.000 The spray goes forward, but the head goes backwards.

00:28:55.000 Yeah, that makes sense, though.

00:28:56.000 The head goes back into the left, but it doesn't really.

00:28:58.000 It does, because you open up a hole and it sprays out, and then you go back.

00:29:02.000 Right, but it generally doesn't go that way.

00:29:06.000 It goes the other way.

00:29:07.000 What, behind him?

00:29:07.000 The bullet goes through and then sprays out the back.

00:29:11.000 Did the bullet get out the back?

00:29:12.000 It could be more than one person hitting him in the head at the same time, too.

00:29:16.000 We're starting off heavy, huh?

00:29:18.000 What happened to a hello?

00:29:19.000 You know, you have to consider there's probably multiple gunners in the grassy knoll.

00:29:25.000 They're not gonna take a chance.

00:29:26.000 When they're gonna assassinate the president, they're gonna have multiple dudes shooting. 0.92

00:29:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:29:32.000 Mmm.

00:29:32.000 That's brain, bro.

00:29:33.000 That's brain. 0.82

00:29:35.000 Whoa.

00:29:36.000 They said that she climbed, it's crazy, the news report initially said that she climbed out to try to retrieve parts of her husband's brain, but that is just not true.

00:29:45.000 Didn't they say she brought it to the hospital?

00:29:46.000 I don't know.

00:29:47.000 I heard that.

00:29:48.000 She had it in her pocket.

00:29:49.000 She did look like she went and grabbed something and then went back in the car. 1.00

00:29:52.000 She maybe did grab a piece in full shot. 0.99

00:29:53.000 Apparently she brought it to the hospital.

00:29:55.000 It is a good one.

00:29:56.000 They glued that back in.

00:29:59.000 Imagine if they could do that and just glue your brains back together.

00:30:01.000 They could do it with teeth.

00:30:02.000 Like a Justin Bobbitt.

00:30:04.000 Same thing!

00:30:08.000 The teeth of the brain and the mouth.

00:30:09.000 Such a wild scene.

00:30:10.000 Hey, if we're doing this, what happened to the Boeing guy?

00:30:12.000 Oh! 1.00

00:30:13.000 Oh, the Boeing guy realized that he's a piece of shit. 1.00

00:30:15.000 We talked about this on stage yesterday. 1.00

00:30:17.000 Yeah, we did figure that out.

00:30:18.000 Yeah, we talked about it on stage yesterday.

00:30:19.000 What?

00:30:19.000 The Boeing guy realized, the guy who committed suicide realized that he did a terrible thing by accusing a company of cutting corners, and he felt embarrassed.

00:30:27.000 He felt stupid. 0.90

00:30:27.000 That he shamed this great company that has done so well for all of us. 0.90

00:30:31.000 How many times have we flown on a Boeing plane?

00:30:33.000 And he did the right thing.

00:30:34.000 Boeing planes are amazing.

00:30:35.000 They kill himself.

00:30:36.000 He knew it, and he was like, what have I done? 0.94

00:30:38.000 So he killed himself. 1.00

00:30:39.000 But the wheels are falling off, doors are coming off, planes are fucked right now. 1.00

00:30:43.000 That's allegedly. 0.99

00:30:44.000 That's allegedly.

00:30:45.000 Boeing whistleblower told friend not to believe suicide before he died.

00:30:49.000 Oh, Christ.

00:30:50.000 Hey, if somebody says I killed myself, that means I didn't kill myself.

00:30:53.000 Anytime you hear that, though, you're like, are you about to kill yourself, though?

00:30:55.000 What an odd thing to say.

00:30:58.000 But it's not if you're Julian Assange.

00:31:00.000 Yeah.

00:31:01.000 Right?

00:31:01.000 If you really think they're gonna whack you.

00:31:03.000 That's what, uh, what's his name said too?

00:31:05.000 McAfee.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, a lot of those guys.

00:31:08.000 McAfee is a wild boy.

00:31:11.000 Pat McAfee is going.

00:31:12.000 Did he guess the Chiefs?

00:31:14.000 John McAfee was one of the only guys that I just had on the phone.

00:31:18.000 I didn't even have him live on the podcast.

00:31:20.000 I had him on the phone.

00:31:20.000 We did a podcast with him when he was running from the law in his country because he says they set him up by killing his neighbor, but he was also allegedly online showing people how to cook meth.

00:31:35.000 That guy's awesome.

00:31:36.000 There was an account that was linked to him that was like he had a lab in his backyard.

00:31:41.000 I mean, it's documented. 0.99

00:31:42.000 This dude had a fucking full-on... 1.00

00:31:44.000 He was a genius billionaire who had a full-on meth lab. 1.00

00:31:47.000 He created McAfee antiviral software.

00:31:50.000 Hell yeah. 1.00

00:31:50.000 He's rich as fuck. 1.00

00:31:51.000 He had deus ex-machina. 1.00

00:31:52.000 Where was he?

00:31:53.000 In Bolivia?

00:31:53.000 That was his house.

00:31:54.000 Was he in Belize?

00:31:55.000 Jimmy, it's a wild story.

00:31:56.000 See if you can find the story of his meth lab.

00:31:58.000 He was in Belize.

00:31:58.000 This boy was wild.

00:31:59.000 We had him on our podcast. 0.99

00:32:00.000 Didn't he really want to have people shit through it? 0.89

00:32:02.000 Did you have him live in the room? 0.99

00:32:04.000 Zoom.

00:32:04.000 Yeah.

00:32:05.000 There he is!

00:32:06.000 That's amazing.

00:32:07.000 What a badass.

00:32:07.000 When was this?

00:32:08.000 What year was this?

00:32:09.000 This was during COVID. He's like a John Goodman character.

00:32:12.000 He's so crazy, dude.

00:32:13.000 He was so funny on this. 0.94

00:32:14.000 He was so crazy, but also really was in charge of, like, antivirus software.

00:32:20.000 He's a real genius.

00:32:20.000 Yeah, and he was on everyone's computer.

00:32:22.000 And what he said is that he donated them computers.

00:32:26.000 Here, have some computers.

00:32:27.000 And he had, like, malware in it, the government.

00:32:29.000 So he gave them, like, 50 laptops.

00:32:30.000 And they're like, okay!

00:32:32.000 And they take these, that's what he says.

00:32:34.000 I mean, that's how they do it.

00:32:35.000 I mean, that's how I would do it.

00:32:37.000 Yeah.

00:32:37.000 If I was him.

00:32:38.000 That's how we did it.

00:32:39.000 We sold, like, that type of, we sold, like, spy technology to our allies.

00:32:44.000 That's why Huawei phones.

00:32:45.000 That had malware in it.

00:32:46.000 Yeah.

00:32:46.000 Yeah, that's why you can't buy a Huawei phone.

00:32:48.000 Huawei phones are, like, the most sophisticated phones in the world.

00:32:51.000 What was the Alien movie?

00:32:53.000 That's how they beat them.

00:32:55.000 At the end.

00:32:56.000 He was making various types of bath salts.

00:32:58.000 Independence Day.

00:32:59.000 That's how they put them.

00:33:00.000 Malware.

00:33:00.000 Look what he says.

00:33:01.000 I think it's the finest drug ever conceived.

00:33:03.000 He wrote of one singling out the indescribable hypersexuality of the super perv powder, but warning that I had visual and auditory hallucinations and the worst paranoia of my life.

00:33:15.000 That guy!

00:33:17.000 That guy had the worst paranoia of his life.

00:33:19.000 Well, Hitler liked it. 0.96

00:33:20.000 Wow, he's so clean-cut there.

00:33:22.000 He's so different when Bat and Shane got to him.

00:33:26.000 By the time he fell off to me and Matt.

00:33:29.000 So when we had a podcast with him, he was on the run.

00:33:32.000 Look at that, what a hunk. 0.95

00:33:33.000 Look at this nerd. 0.95

00:33:35.000 He made himself a friend.

00:33:38.000 You know what, man?

00:33:39.000 It's something I admire about him.

00:33:40.000 He doesn't like him.

00:33:41.000 He's like drowning. 1.00

00:33:42.000 You're a nerd. 0.97

00:33:43.000 I kind of admire that. 0.90

00:33:45.000 I admire the billionaire who goes totally off the rails. 0.99

00:33:47.000 He just lived only with prostitutes. 0.99

00:33:49.000 Hit only prostitutes in his... 1.00

00:33:50.000 Is he the one that women shit through a hammock onto his chest? 1.00

00:33:53.000 Yes. 1.00

00:33:54.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:33:54.000 Is that true? 0.71

00:33:55.000 Yes, we asked him about it.

00:33:56.000 Alright, now I'm off the team. 0.97

00:33:58.000 Wait, tell me about the shitting for the hammock. 0.99

00:34:00.000 Apparently he was having ladies shit through a hammock on him. 1.00

00:34:03.000 Alright, that plane's at. 1.00

00:34:05.000 And he was like, do I ask you about your sexual proclivities?

00:34:10.000 And we're like, yeah, you asked us if we were gay right away. 0.52

00:34:15.000 Did he tell you the story?

00:34:16.000 He was awesome.

00:34:17.000 No, he was like, if that makes you uncomfortable, I've done way more.

00:34:21.000 And Matt was like, from like higher hammocks.

00:34:24.000 So the splat was bigger.

00:34:28.000 It was so good, dude. 1.00

00:34:30.000 What a psycho. 0.99

00:34:31.000 Don't you love the fact that there's a guy like that running around? 1.00

00:34:33.000 Of course.

00:34:34.000 Billions of dollars.

00:34:35.000 Unless you're his neighbor.

00:34:36.000 You gotta sell your property. 1.00

00:34:38.000 Smells like shit again. 1.00

00:34:40.000 I think they were framing the boy. 1.00

00:34:42.000 They might have been, or he might have been on that fucking hypersexuality. 0.99

00:34:46.000 He might have been on the drugs he said he was on. 1.00

00:34:49.000 And he was heavily armed.

00:34:51.000 Bro, he's a guy doing meth who's heavily armed. 1.00

00:34:54.000 Being shit on. 1.00

00:34:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:34:56.000 Who cares what happens there?

00:34:58.000 Allegedly.

00:34:58.000 He got a bunch of armed...

00:35:00.000 He just started building an army.

00:35:02.000 Yeah, he was off the rails.

00:35:05.000 He's having fun.

00:35:06.000 He's one of the bros.

00:35:06.000 He's still going, right?

00:35:07.000 Also, he's like, how come this guy gets to have an army?

00:35:10.000 I don't get to have an army.

00:35:10.000 He got suicided in Spain.

00:35:13.000 He got bowinged?

00:35:14.000 Yeah, I think so.

00:35:15.000 He got suicided.

00:35:16.000 I think he was when he tweeted.

00:35:17.000 He was like, if I die, I didn't do it.

00:35:19.000 Meanwhile, he's on a pound of crank.

00:35:22.000 Yeah, he might go.

00:35:23.000 He could go at any moment. 0.99

00:35:25.000 If he had one of them fucking Garmin watches on, he'd be like, 197! 1.00

00:35:29.000 It's crazy! 0.99

00:35:30.000 A minute after tweeting that, he goes, oh, but now we could blame them if I did do it. 1.00

00:35:34.000 Bro, he redlined his fucking heart. 0.99

00:35:37.000 He could have redlined his heart. 1.00

00:35:38.000 He's 80 years old doing Crank.

00:35:40.000 How old was the guy when he died?

00:35:42.000 89. No, he was 80. He's younger than that.

00:35:45.000 He's in methed-up 70s.

00:35:47.000 Methed-up 70s is like 99. Holy shit, he was 75? 0.99

00:35:51.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:52.000 He looked good.

00:35:52.000 He was like 70 when we interviewed him.

00:35:54.000 Methed-up 70s is like pro-athlete knees. 1.00

00:35:59.000 Pro-athletes, when they're 35, their knees are fucked. 1.00

00:36:01.000 Or a fat guy's heart. 1.00

00:36:03.000 Yeah.

00:36:04.000 That's a rough one.

00:36:05.000 Fat guys get two seats on the plane. 0.98

00:36:07.000 Speaking of Boeing.

00:36:08.000 Finally.

00:36:09.000 They get a free seat.

00:36:10.000 They're encouraging people.

00:36:11.000 I'm going back to Kevin.

00:36:13.000 Stretch it out.

00:36:15.000 Stretch it out.

00:36:18.000 Yeah, that's a weird one, huh? 1.00

00:36:20.000 That guy's an interesting fucking character. 0.99

00:36:23.000 He would be a great movie. 1.00

00:36:24.000 Yeah.

00:36:25.000 Yeah? 0.98

00:36:26.000 In the movie, have him kill his neighbor, too. 1.00

00:36:28.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:36:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:36:29.000 You're going to decide. 1.00

00:36:30.000 It's your movie. 1.00

00:36:31.000 Let's kill the neighbor. 1.00

00:36:32.000 And you've got to get the hammock. 1.00

00:36:33.000 I feel like the neighbor probably sucked. 0.97

00:36:36.000 Yeah, he didn't just kill them because they were awesome because they only mowed the glass. 0.96

00:36:39.000 Hey, could you keep it down?

00:36:39.000 Didn't the neighbor do something to his dog, too?

00:36:41.000 That's right.

00:36:41.000 That's what I heard.

00:36:42.000 What?

00:36:42.000 Yeah, the neighbor did something to his dog.

00:36:44.000 Maybe kill one of his dogs. 0.99

00:36:44.000 That's over the line. 0.99

00:36:45.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:36:46.000 You've got to go full John Wick.

00:36:47.000 It's cool when John Wick did it.

00:36:48.000 Yeah, that's how you do it.

00:36:49.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:36:50.000 Kill my dog. 1.00

00:36:50.000 Imagine hurting Carl. 1.00

00:36:51.000 Yeah.

00:36:52.000 I would never shoot my neighbor.

00:36:55.000 Yeah.

00:36:56.000 What do you say?

00:37:00.000 They killed my dog?

00:37:01.000 Not just meth, but meth. 1.00

00:37:05.000 Meth he engineered in a fucking lab he built on his property that he documented online. 0.99

00:37:12.000 He wanted the community to know about this meth lab. 1.00

00:37:16.000 He wanted to know about how proficient his meth lab was, you know, fucking really, like, scientifically accurate everything. 0.98

00:37:23.000 He was measuring everything perfectly, you know, beakers and all this shit. 0.98

00:37:26.000 He documented it all. 0.81

00:37:28.000 It's awesome. 1.00

00:37:28.000 Fucking meth lab in Belize! 1.00

00:37:31.000 You can call it bath salts all day, but what it is, that's just engineered meth. 1.00

00:37:35.000 That's what bath salts was.

00:37:37.000 What's the other meth?

00:37:38.000 Not engineered?

00:37:39.000 It's just different.

00:37:42.000 There's different things that you can do to a compound, so it's not exactly the same compound.

00:37:46.000 He made his own meth.

00:37:47.000 Like 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine was legal for a while because it wasn't technically dimethyltryptamine.

00:37:53.000 It's even stronger than...

00:37:55.000 So they add an oxygen molecule to it.

00:37:58.000 So this is better than meth. 0.99

00:37:59.000 If you can engineer meth, if you're a super genius who makes fucking software that can stop viruses, I bet you can figure out how to make some killer meth. 1.00

00:38:08.000 And this dude cooked up some fine shit, apparently. 1.00

00:38:13.000 Damn. 1.00

00:38:13.000 Makes you want to try it. 1.00

00:38:14.000 I'd give it a shot.

00:38:16.000 That seems like the best way to get into meth is that meth.

00:38:18.000 The thing is, I have a feeling you never want to go back to normal.

00:38:23.000 It's like flying first class.

00:38:24.000 That was one of the things that lady said. 0.99

00:38:26.000 The lady in the FTX trials, she was talking about how being on amphetamines all the time makes you realize how normal, sober interaction, how fucking boring they are. 0.92

00:38:38.000 And she, like, tweeted it. 0.95

00:38:40.000 I would take Adderall at work.

00:38:42.000 It was great.

00:38:44.000 I was working like customers.

00:38:46.000 I was front desk talking to people.

00:38:48.000 I was like, hey, that was nice.

00:38:51.000 So he got a dollar sign whacked.

00:38:55.000 So you got whacked for money?

00:38:56.000 Is that what it means?

00:38:57.000 He's saying this is when he said, like, just in case if I suicide myself, I didn't.

00:39:01.000 Okay.

00:39:01.000 Getting subtle messages from U.S. officials saying, in effect, we're coming for you, McAfee.

00:39:08.000 You got Epstein. 1.00

00:39:08.000 We're going to kill you. 1.00

00:39:10.000 We're going to kill yourself. 1.00

00:39:12.000 That's a good way to say it. 1.00

00:39:13.000 Yeah, that's an interesting way to say it.

00:39:14.000 I got a tattoo today, just in case if I suicide myself, I didn't.

00:39:19.000 I was whacked.

00:39:20.000 Check my right arm.

00:39:21.000 So what happened to him, though?

00:39:22.000 Was it a suicide or was it something else?

00:39:24.000 I think he was in...

00:39:25.000 Was he in Spanish prison?

00:39:26.000 He was in prison.

00:39:27.000 He was just about to be extradited when he was found supposedly hanging.

00:39:31.000 Whoa.

00:39:33.000 His wife claimed that it shouldn't have happened, but when looked into it, the Spanish authorities said suicide.

00:39:41.000 Of course they did.

00:39:41.000 Of course.

00:39:42.000 That's what their pages say.

00:39:43.000 That's what the money says to us like.

00:39:45.000 So you're getting a tattoo saying, hey, if it comes out that I'm dead, it's because somebody, like, killed me.

00:39:49.000 And instead you got an artful shwacked?

00:39:53.000 Yeah.

00:39:54.000 It looks nice.

00:39:54.000 You couldn't just do it.

00:39:55.000 Shwacked is nice, dude. 1.00

00:39:56.000 Don't talk shit. 0.99

00:39:57.000 I do want that shwack later. 1.00

00:40:00.000 But let's look at this logically.

00:40:03.000 Why would the government kill him?

00:40:05.000 That's what I don't get.

00:40:06.000 Let the guy have fun.

00:40:07.000 He knew too much about...

00:40:08.000 What did he do?

00:40:09.000 All the malware.

00:40:10.000 Did the malware to them?

00:40:11.000 Come on, man.

00:40:12.000 Come on, man.

00:40:12.000 NSA, Mossad, they all got the...

00:40:14.000 So what do you think it is?

00:40:15.000 You think he found some stuff out when he was looking to the computers?

00:40:17.000 I think he was one of the architects of that type of thing. 1.00

00:40:20.000 I think he'd probably fuck with them, and they were like, don't fuck with us. 0.99

00:40:22.000 Why'd you give us malware? 1.00

00:40:23.000 Now we're going to fuck with them. 1.00

00:40:23.000 He's like, I'm going to tell everybody. 1.00

00:40:25.000 He's on meth.

00:40:26.000 He's going, I'm going to tell everybody. 1.00

00:40:28.000 Oh, he's talking shit? 1.00

00:40:29.000 We're spying our own allies. 1.00

00:40:30.000 They like to talk on meth.

00:40:31.000 And if he really did have all their stuff, that is a crime. 0.99

00:40:34.000 Like, if you really did install malware and get top-secret shit, they'll kill you for that. 0.99

00:40:39.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

00:40:40.000 They might not even bother taking you to court.

00:40:41.000 Soon after joining the MGMT, McAfee said he and his team exploited a flaw in the Android operating system that allowed him to read encrypted messages from WhatsApp.

00:40:51.000 Whoa.

00:40:52.000 Oh, he could read messages.

00:40:52.000 Does Moto investigate it?

00:40:54.000 He reported he had sent reporters malware-infected phones to make this hack work.

00:40:59.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:41:00.000 You can't ruin his reputation, either.

00:41:02.000 Of course the phones had malware on them, he said.

00:41:05.000 How that malware got there is the story, which we will release after speaking with Google.

00:41:10.000 Good for you.

00:41:11.000 It involves a serious flaw in the Android architecture.

00:41:14.000 It's a crazy move.

00:41:15.000 Look at this.

00:41:15.000 It involves a serious flaw in the Android architecture.

00:41:21.000 What is that flaw?

00:41:22.000 I just wanted to make the MGMT joke.

00:41:25.000 MGMT? Go back to that, Jimmy.

00:41:27.000 Go back to that.

00:41:28.000 It says McAfee moved MGT to mining of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies. 0.91

00:41:34.000 Oh, he's a criminal.

00:41:37.000 Yeah, he rules. 0.72

00:41:38.000 It was like when Suge Knight said he stuck Eazy-E on Kimmel. 0.66

00:41:42.000 Oh yeah, he gave him AIDS. He was like, you know, there's lots of ways to kill somebody. 0.99

00:41:45.000 You might just hire someone to stick him with a needle with fucking AIDS. You know what I'm talking about. 1.00

00:41:49.000 And everyone in the audience is like, what the?

00:41:51.000 He did that on Jimmy Kimmel?

00:41:53.000 Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel was wearing a flak jacket.

00:41:55.000 Bro, how wild was it that Jimmy Kimmel had Suge Knight on?

00:41:57.000 It was cool Kimmel.

00:41:59.000 Right?

00:41:59.000 It was back then.

00:41:59.000 You can get canceled today for having Chris D'Elia on your podcast.

00:42:02.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:42:05.000 I mean, can you fucking imagine? 0.98

00:42:07.000 You're bringing Suge Knight on? 0.98

00:42:09.000 Yeah.

00:42:09.000 The dude hung Vanilla Ice off a balcony.

00:42:13.000 Was it Vanilla Ice?

00:42:14.000 Yeah.

00:42:14.000 He just ran over a guy.

00:42:16.000 By his ankles.

00:42:16.000 Ran over a guy and killed him on video.

00:42:18.000 Jeff Ross frightened.

00:42:20.000 Look at him.

00:42:20.000 Terrified.

00:42:23.000 Oh, this is back then.

00:42:25.000 Yeah.

00:42:25.000 Kimmel had no one back then.

00:42:27.000 This was a get. 0.99

00:42:28.000 Yeah, he's pretty much saying I fucking... 0.99

00:42:30.000 It's a wild... 1.00

00:42:31.000 Easy E with AIDS. That's why it progressed so fast.

00:42:33.000 That's a wild conversation.

00:42:34.000 Suge Knight looks like Kimmel.

00:42:36.000 That's Karl Malone.

00:42:38.000 Oh my god, he does!

00:42:39.000 He does.

00:42:40.000 Oh my god, he does!

00:42:41.000 You nailed it!

00:42:42.000 Oh my god, he does.

00:42:44.000 Is that Liguizamo?

00:42:46.000 Is it?

00:42:48.000 Imagine Leguizamo was the first guest before Suge Knight. 0.99

00:42:51.000 Who gives a fuck about some actor Leguizamo? 0.98

00:42:54.000 Leguizamo rules, dude. 0.99

00:42:55.000 He was at Super Mario Brothers. 1.00

00:42:59.000 Leguizamo was in John Wick, you piece of shit. 1.00

00:43:02.000 Leguizamo rules, dude. 1.00

00:43:03.000 I don't dare you.

00:43:05.000 I named my cat after him.

00:43:06.000 I lost touch after the second one-man show.

00:43:11.000 That's a slow death.

00:43:12.000 Feet up. 1.00

00:43:24.000 Damn! 1.00

00:43:32.000 Wally takes a puff of his cigar with his boots up. 1.00

00:43:34.000 You got a murderer! 0.90

00:43:39.000 Remember those days?

00:43:41.000 When there was a number?

00:43:43.000 Or a color, rather?

00:43:44.000 Today's yellow.

00:43:46.000 Let's go to the store.

00:43:46.000 It's yellow.

00:43:47.000 Come on.

00:43:48.000 Let's go do stand-up.

00:43:49.000 We're gonna stay home if it's orange. 0.99

00:43:50.000 It tastes fucking orange. 0.99

00:43:51.000 I'm not going anywhere. 1.00

00:43:52.000 What a great way to make everyone stay home on a day they need them to.

00:43:55.000 Well, what a great way to test how you can freak people out.

00:43:58.000 How quickly we forgot about those colors.

00:44:00.000 That was a weird one.

00:44:01.000 The color system for terrorism.

00:44:03.000 After 9-11.

00:44:04.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:05.000 They tried it.

00:44:06.000 They tried it.

00:44:06.000 We were like, come on.

00:44:08.000 Did you forget the email saying, avoid the mall on October 21st.

00:44:12.000 There's going to be an attack on a mall.

00:44:14.000 That's just the Jewish emails. 0.80

00:44:17.000 You guys got secret emails?

00:44:19.000 That's why you're tunneling.

00:44:21.000 How about a little heads up?

00:44:23.000 You never got those in the couple years after? 0.99

00:44:25.000 There's intel that's going to be on this day in a mall or on this day in a fucking airport. 0.98

00:44:29.000 I got an Amber Alert today. 0.99

00:44:30.000 Texas goes wild with Amber Alerts.

00:44:34.000 You know what I don't miss about California?

00:44:36.000 The forest fires.

00:44:39.000 The fires were crazy in California.

00:44:42.000 You ain't never seen anything like it.

00:44:44.000 They're here now. 0.99

00:44:44.000 Yeah, bullshit fires. 0.99

00:44:46.000 You guys took everything. 0.99

00:44:47.000 Listen, they're bad, but they're not bad like it is in L.A. Because it doesn't rain there.

00:44:52.000 Right.

00:44:53.000 You know they have those things, like the colors for fires, with the fire warning?

00:44:57.000 It was always red.

00:44:58.000 It was always red.

00:44:59.000 It's not red for like three months out of the year.

00:45:02.000 Do not smoke a cigarette on Laurel Canyon. 1.00

00:45:03.000 If you're an asshole, these fucking assholes that throw cigarettes out the window when they're done with them, these littering cocksuckers, You're not even allowed to smoke in your car with the windows up on the way up Loral Canyon. 1.00

00:45:13.000 You're not? 1.00

00:45:13.000 Yeah, when it's like dry, they're like, don't. 1.00

00:45:15.000 Because it just goes up in a blaze.

00:45:18.000 So I was coming home one night.

00:45:20.000 I got evacuated three times when I lived in California. 0.99

00:45:23.000 Three fucking times. 0.99

00:45:24.000 But I was coming home one night, and the whole side of the highway, I was coming home from Fear Factor, the whole side of the highway for an hour was on fire. 1.00

00:45:33.000 You sent us pictures from your flip phone.

00:45:35.000 Bro, it was madness.

00:45:35.000 It was just like one side of the highway fire, one side green.

00:45:38.000 It was madness. 1.00

00:45:40.000 It was like a scene from the fucking... 1.00

00:45:43.000 That's what it's like. 1.00

00:45:44.000 It was like a scene from fucking a Hobbit movie. 0.99

00:45:48.000 Where are we even going? 0.99

00:45:51.000 Why are we driving that way?

00:45:52.000 Lord of the Rings.

00:45:53.000 Apocalyptic.

00:45:54.000 Dude, this was not nearly as bad as...

00:45:56.000 This is the 405. This is the head of Santa Monica.

00:45:59.000 But this is much more contained than what I saw.

00:46:02.000 What I saw was an hour of driving.

00:46:05.000 A full hour going like 40 miles an hour.

00:46:08.000 Was it hot?

00:46:08.000 50 miles an hour.

00:46:09.000 Were you hot?

00:46:10.000 No, but it was raining ashes like snow.

00:46:13.000 So you were seeing ashes fall out of the sky like snow.

00:46:17.000 The whole right side of the highway. 1.00

00:46:19.000 And dude, sometimes that shit jumps. 0.99

00:46:21.000 You get a crosswind, it jumps, it hits a car, it gets other cars. 1.00

00:46:26.000 There was, in Northern California, a whole highway full of stopped cars.

00:46:30.000 Everybody died.

00:46:32.000 Yikes.

00:46:32.000 Everybody got consumed by fire.

00:46:34.000 Look at this shit, dude. 1.00

00:46:35.000 What are they doing? 1.00

00:46:36.000 Where are you going?

00:46:37.000 These people are praying.

00:46:39.000 Donald Trump, please help us.

00:46:40.000 Please save us.

00:46:40.000 Jesus Christ.

00:46:41.000 And you don't know where the fire is.

00:46:43.000 You're just guessing.

00:46:44.000 It's not like fire or Google.

00:46:44.000 You might be going right to it.

00:46:45.000 You might be.

00:46:46.000 You don't know.

00:46:47.000 You don't know where you're driving.

00:46:48.000 You can't see.

00:46:49.000 This is a windy road.

00:46:50.000 This is some poor Uber Eats driver.

00:46:52.000 He's like, I'm going to get there.

00:46:53.000 Bro, this is so nuts, man.

00:46:56.000 This is so nuts.

00:46:57.000 Oh, man.

00:46:59.000 So this is what I don't miss.

00:47:00.000 And I know they have fires out here, but bro, you ain't never seen fires like those dry climate, high grasses.

00:47:07.000 And the worst is when it rains a lot earlier in the year, because then you get extra grass.

00:47:12.000 And then it always dies off when it stops raining.

00:47:15.000 Everything turns brown.

00:47:18.000 But it's natural fires, right?

00:47:20.000 It's supposed to happen.

00:47:21.000 Somebody lit off one behind Pink Dot, behind my old window.

00:47:25.000 You saw it start just there.

00:47:26.000 It's like a straight uphill.

00:47:28.000 It's just gone.

00:47:30.000 Within like 20 minutes, it goes from a little one bush on fire.

00:47:33.000 It burns through the houses.

00:47:35.000 Yikes.

00:47:36.000 There was one time in L.A. when we were at the store and above Pink Dot was on fire.

00:47:41.000 That was it.

00:47:43.000 Was that with it?

00:47:43.000 Yeah.

00:47:44.000 Was I watching that with you?

00:47:45.000 But was that the one where we were seeing the helicopters fly overhead?

00:47:49.000 They were trying to dump water on it.

00:47:50.000 Planes were dumping water on it.

00:47:52.000 It was nuts.

00:47:53.000 It was like a war was going on right above the sign.

00:47:57.000 It went right up that hill.

00:47:59.000 I was in Salt Lake.

00:48:01.000 I was driving to Stanhope's down in Bisbee.

00:48:03.000 It was crazy.

00:48:05.000 I was driving.

00:48:06.000 You could watch the helicopters picking up the water out of the lake and flying over the highway and dropping it on the mountain that was on fire.

00:48:13.000 Wow. 0.98

00:48:14.000 Then I got to the fucking Grand Canyon and it had just burned. 0.99

00:48:17.000 For real, like, two hours straight, it was just the moon. 0.99

00:48:21.000 Like, there was no vegetation.

00:48:23.000 It was just stumps.

00:48:25.000 Everything was black. 0.62

00:48:26.000 It was crazy. 0.54

00:48:27.000 Yikes.

00:48:28.000 It was crazy.

00:48:29.000 Those forest fires are wild.

00:48:30.000 That's a wake-up call to how vulnerable we really are.

00:48:34.000 That was the one time where people in L.A. were cool.

00:48:37.000 Like, everybody was so cool.

00:48:39.000 After the fires, everybody was like, hi!

00:48:41.000 Good to see you!

00:48:42.000 Happy to be alive! 0.99

00:48:44.000 Did you remember in New York when fucking Canada caught on fire? 0.99

00:48:47.000 Yes! 1.00

00:48:47.000 That's how crazy those... 1.00

00:48:49.000 You know the conspiracy theory about that?

00:48:50.000 They popped up pretty quickly, so...

00:48:52.000 Just saying, I don't know.

00:48:53.000 The whole Manhattan was full of ash and dark smoke.

00:48:55.000 The conspiracy is the color of the smoke.

00:48:58.000 The color of the smoke was strange.

00:49:01.000 And it coincided with...

00:49:03.000 There was a shipment that was lost.

00:49:06.000 The shipment that was lost somewhere was some kind of chemical.

00:49:11.000 And this chemical, it was a toxic chemical and there was a high volume of it and it was lost.

00:49:17.000 And then all of a sudden these fires break out in Canada and this fucking orange smoke is making its way across New York. 0.93

00:49:24.000 Weird smoke! 0.98

00:49:25.000 Like a weird color smoke. 0.90

00:49:27.000 Now that could be, I'm a moron, that could be the sun, the way it goes through the light. 1.00

00:49:31.000 It could be the fucking sun. 1.00

00:49:32.000 But I've never seen orange smoke before. 1.00

00:49:35.000 It was orange.

00:49:36.000 I was in Montauk, it looked weird.

00:49:37.000 Nor has anybody that I know ever seen like that kind of orange smoke.

00:49:40.000 They told everybody to change every filter in your car.

00:49:43.000 Whoa.

00:49:44.000 It was like emails. 0.99

00:49:45.000 Did anybody do like an analysis of the smoke and go what the fuck is this? 0.98

00:49:48.000 No. 0.97

00:49:49.000 Is it just smoke?

00:49:50.000 Or did something burn somewhere that was toxic?

00:49:53.000 Never done a smoke analysis.

00:49:54.000 I was doing shows.

00:49:55.000 I was doing shows at the comedy podcast.

00:49:57.000 You were doing shows in that orange smoke? 1.00

00:49:59.000 Walking around that shit? 1.00

00:50:00.000 I didn't know. 1.00

00:50:01.000 I woke up late.

00:50:02.000 It was only in Manhattan though.

00:50:03.000 Could you tell on the ground? 0.95

00:50:05.000 The first day I was like, am I fucking this hungover that it's like... 0.86

00:50:09.000 One day it was cloudy. 0.94

00:50:11.000 Everything's hazy?

00:50:12.000 Yeah.

00:50:12.000 Right.

00:50:12.000 But did it look orange?

00:50:14.000 Not until like day two or three.

00:50:16.000 Day two or three.

00:50:17.000 Yeah, it changed every day, right?

00:50:18.000 You could see it coming.

00:50:19.000 It was crazy.

00:50:20.000 Like at first it was just slightly smoggy.

00:50:22.000 You were like...

00:50:23.000 I don't know. 0.93

00:50:24.000 I remember driving in being like, this is fucking weird. 0.99

00:50:25.000 Am I dumb? 0.99

00:50:28.000 Because no one's mentioning anything. 0.99

00:50:29.000 And I was like, it's fucking weird out, right? 0.79

00:50:31.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:50:32.000 And then by the most, like the height of it, it was fucking insane. 0.87

00:50:36.000 It was just orange. 0.91

00:50:37.000 It was like Ghostbusters.

00:50:39.000 It was scary.

00:50:39.000 Come on, that seems weird.

00:50:41.000 It was scary.

00:50:41.000 It was weird.

00:50:42.000 Isn't that weird?

00:50:42.000 Look at the color.

00:50:43.000 Yep, 2pm.

00:50:45.000 2pm, look at that. 0.99

00:50:46.000 Damn, it's like Rachel Dolezal. 1.00

00:50:49.000 I'm not a chemist, ladies and gentlemen. 0.98

00:50:51.000 I don't know anything about smog color, but that seems highly unusual.

00:50:57.000 It's unusual.

00:50:58.000 It's super unusual.

00:50:59.000 I'm just going to say that.

00:51:02.000 There's conspiracy theories that are warranted.

00:51:05.000 Toronto didn't get it nearly as bad as New York.

00:51:08.000 Well, it's because it was coming down towards us.

00:51:10.000 Jamie, can you flip through these faster? 0.99

00:51:11.000 Yeah, why don't you move quick, you fucking... 0.99

00:51:13.000 Jesus, you're already fell out. 0.99

00:51:14.000 Why don't you go for the two o'clock?

00:51:14.000 How about it?

00:51:15.000 It was only orange in the one photo.

00:51:16.000 Trust me, it was orange for a lot.

00:51:18.000 Neuro gums.

00:51:19.000 Don't take three Neuro gums. 0.61

00:51:21.000 That was just one day.

00:51:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:51:23.000 You guys can't look.

00:51:24.000 Old eyes.

00:51:25.000 Old eyes?

00:51:25.000 How dare you, young Jamie.

00:51:27.000 Jamie, you're being so nasty today. 0.91

00:51:28.000 You tried that earlier. 0.98

00:51:29.000 I'm sick of it.

00:51:30.000 You've changed.

00:51:30.000 Jamie, why are you so hostile today?

00:51:32.000 Young Ari, could you hand me a beer, please? 0.97

00:51:34.000 Here we go.

00:51:34.000 Sure, Shane.

00:51:35.000 Sure.

00:51:36.000 Fit change.

00:51:37.000 Hey, I've heard about...

00:51:39.000 There's these things, Shane, there's these things called Lucy's.

00:51:42.000 You've ever heard of Lucy?

00:51:42.000 Oh, I know about Lucy's.

00:51:43.000 That has 12 milligrams.

00:51:44.000 Lucy breakers?

00:51:46.000 They have 12 milligrams.

00:51:47.000 This is six.

00:51:48.000 Oh, you don't want that.

00:51:49.000 They're 12. That's too much.

00:51:50.000 Don't say that.

00:51:51.000 When you say that, I want two in my mouth right now.

00:51:53.000 Is that from Tucker?

00:51:54.000 I don't like the way you talk about it.

00:51:55.000 You can't handle 12. No, this is from the fucking gas station. 1.00

00:51:57.000 You're 4'2". 1.00

00:51:59.000 12 milligrams will put you on the boat.

00:52:02.000 I think it's a weight thing.

00:52:03.000 Yeah, all right.

00:52:06.000 You're a short, round guy.

00:52:07.000 You can consume a lot of alcohol.

00:52:09.000 That's true.

00:52:10.000 Yeah.

00:52:11.000 I don't know.

00:52:12.000 Yeah, Lucy's good.

00:52:13.000 But no one consumes alcohol like tall people.

00:52:15.000 Tall, big people like Shane.

00:52:17.000 Big people.

00:52:18.000 My friend Justin, I got a friend Justin Collett. 1.00

00:52:20.000 This motherfucker can put it down. 0.99

00:52:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:22.000 And he makes you keep drinking with him, and he's like 350 pounds.

00:52:25.000 Yeah.

00:52:25.000 He's just this big giant dude.

00:52:26.000 He's like, come on, bro, one more.

00:52:27.000 I'm like, okay.

00:52:28.000 Lineman.

00:52:28.000 There's always that one more.

00:52:30.000 Next thing you know, you're destroyed.

00:52:31.000 Of course.

00:52:32.000 But he's got like twice the body of you.

00:52:34.000 Shane's the king of that, comes into the cellar, and Debra's like, come on, one, come on, one. 0.98

00:52:38.000 Yeah, but this guy's at 3am.

00:52:40.000 You know that's your first bargain chip.

00:52:42.000 Get him that one, then we'll go.

00:52:43.000 He's drinking Crown and Cokes, though.

00:52:45.000 That's a different animal.

00:52:46.000 That's a different animal.

00:52:47.000 Me and DeRosa went out.

00:52:49.000 Makers. 0.84

00:52:49.000 Makers and Coke. 0.84

00:52:50.000 That'll fuck you up. 0.99

00:52:51.000 Me and DeRosa came down to Austin, and we were like, we'll go hang out. 0.99

00:52:55.000 We'll have two drinks at every bar.

00:52:56.000 We were just walking around.

00:52:57.000 I was getting two Bud Lights at every bar.

00:52:59.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:52:59.000 He was drinking whiskey at every bar.

00:53:01.000 Oh, my God.

00:53:02.000 By the fifth bar, he was like... 1.00

00:53:04.000 We were walking to a bar and he was like, oh shit man, are you not fucked up? 1.00

00:53:08.000 I was like, no, I've been drinking light beers. 1.00

00:53:10.000 I know.

00:53:10.000 That's pretty good.

00:53:11.000 Taking hours away.

00:53:12.000 This is all whiskey.

00:53:13.000 Nah, you have two drinks every time we do this.

00:53:15.000 I'm already on number two.

00:53:16.000 When DeRose is done.

00:53:17.000 What are you on?

00:53:17.000 Three beers?

00:53:18.000 Don't count mine.

00:53:19.000 I'll catch you up, brother.

00:53:21.000 I'm autistic.

00:53:22.000 That was the Stanhope strategy for years.

00:53:24.000 Stanhope was like, I'd just take a slow drip of alcohol through light beer.

00:53:28.000 And I was like, that's genius. 0.99

00:53:29.000 He's like, yeah, I don't want to get too fucked up. 1.00

00:53:31.000 It's like, keep the fucked up going. 1.00

00:53:34.000 You get a good buzz. 0.98

00:53:36.000 The best way to keep a good buzz is a light beer.

00:53:39.000 Right?

00:53:40.000 Because you don't go over the edge.

00:53:42.000 When DeRosa's done is when he says, let's do shots. 1.00

00:53:44.000 You're like, you're fucked up. 1.00

00:53:45.000 You're about to leave. 1.00

00:53:46.000 You're about to leave.

00:53:48.000 But the Coke brings him back to life.

00:53:49.000 The Coke brings him back to life.

00:53:50.000 DeRosa brings everybody back to life.

00:53:53.000 DeRosa brought his sandwiches to the club the other night.

00:53:55.000 They are great. 0.99

00:53:56.000 Fucking amazing. 0.99

00:53:56.000 Very good. 0.99

00:53:57.000 He gave me a roast beef with prosciutto with like some kind of peppers in there.

00:54:03.000 I forget whose favorite sandwich was.

00:54:04.000 Maybe his mom's. 1.00

00:54:05.000 What a fucking fantastic. 0.99

00:54:07.000 He's a shockingly likable guy. 0.99

00:54:08.000 He's the best.

00:54:09.000 Fun Egyptian. 0.98

00:54:10.000 I love Joe.

00:54:11.000 He's a great guy.

00:54:12.000 Adopt people. 1.00

00:54:12.000 Funny motherfucker, too. 1.00

00:54:13.000 They bring the heat. 0.99

00:54:14.000 He's just a good dude, man.

00:54:15.000 And I was like, dude, open up a place here.

00:54:17.000 He's like, we're talking about it.

00:54:18.000 So I hope they do.

00:54:19.000 We need a real good sub shop. 0.98

00:54:22.000 He would come a lot. 0.99

00:54:23.000 They're fucking good. 0.97

00:54:24.000 Oh, he'll come by. 0.99

00:54:25.000 Oh, he should move here.

00:54:26.000 He's coming back in April.

00:54:27.000 He's doing my podcast again next month. 0.92

00:54:29.000 Oh, he's worthless in New York.

00:54:30.000 I love that dude. 0.52

00:54:31.000 Is he?

00:54:32.000 Yeah, get him down here.

00:54:33.000 He can make a name for himself. 0.80

00:54:34.000 Why is he worthless in New York? 0.84

00:54:35.000 Well, nobody respects him. 1.00

00:54:37.000 He's ugly. 1.00

00:54:38.000 He's adopted. 1.00

00:54:40.000 He's adopted!

00:54:41.000 He's burned a lot of bridges.

00:54:42.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:45.000 Listen, this is a land of rebuilding.

00:54:47.000 Yeah.

00:54:47.000 That's right.

00:54:48.000 That's what they said after they stole it from the Comanche. 1.00

00:54:50.000 It's a land of rebuilding.

00:54:52.000 But you burned it.

00:54:53.000 We gave them a casino.

00:54:54.000 I don't even think they have a casino.

00:54:56.000 No, they don't get a casino. 1.00

00:54:57.000 They don't get shit. 1.00

00:54:58.000 They were too fierce. 1.00

00:54:59.000 They were nasty.

00:55:00.000 They had to put that fire out.

00:55:03.000 You guys should get something in Germany, like a water park or something.

00:55:07.000 You ever seen this?

00:55:08.000 Is that a Comanche air hood?

00:55:09.000 That's legit.

00:55:10.000 That's from right here, bro.

00:55:12.000 Is that the blood of the white man on it?

00:55:13.000 No, that's why we got it.

00:55:15.000 It's probably got some deer blood on it.

00:55:16.000 Wow, that's cool. 1.00

00:55:17.000 That's probably from before the white man even showed up and fucked everything up. 0.99

00:55:20.000 It's so smooth. 1.00

00:55:21.000 Damn! 0.99

00:55:21.000 I have a friend who has a ranch out here that apparently was where the Comanche lived, and it's just overrun with arrowheads. 0.99

00:55:27.000 They carve them down? 0.91

00:55:28.000 Well, they make them.

00:55:29.000 It's called flintknapping.

00:55:30.000 They actually put a piece of buckskin over their knee, and they hold this slate.

00:55:36.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:55:37.000 Don't do that.

00:55:39.000 Bro, that's like literally, it could be a thousand years old. 0.98

00:55:42.000 Like, who fucking even knows how old that thing is. 0.93

00:55:44.000 That's a spell on me. 0.97

00:55:45.000 It's actually probably about four or five hundred years old.

00:55:49.000 Wow.

00:55:50.000 Allegedly.

00:55:51.000 I don't know.

00:55:51.000 This is what someone told me.

00:55:52.000 But the thing is that, like, these fucking guys, man, they made those things by knocking rocks together. 0.99

00:55:58.000 There's like a very specific way. 0.99

00:55:59.000 It's called flintknapping.

00:56:01.000 Like you knock it off to make a flake and then you have to like knock it against like something soft like your leg.

00:56:06.000 And they chip away till they make like this razor edge to these things.

00:56:09.000 Jesus.

00:56:10.000 It's like they figured out how to do it. 1.00

00:56:12.000 And these fucking things are all over this guy's ranch. 0.99

00:56:16.000 He sent me a bunch of them. 0.99

00:56:17.000 He sent me like ones that are like marked off by like this.

00:56:21.000 Like this guy's flint knapping.

00:56:23.000 Whoa.

00:56:24.000 See how he does this?

00:56:24.000 They had all the time in the world.

00:56:26.000 He heated it up?

00:56:26.000 No.

00:56:27.000 No, this guy's a guy that knows how to recreate this shit. 1.00

00:56:31.000 This guy fucks hard. 1.00

00:56:32.000 They get it. 1.00

00:56:33.000 He does. 0.99

00:56:34.000 You can tell this guy fucks hard. 0.99

00:56:36.000 Probably with one of those butcher's aprons on. 0.99

00:56:42.000 With like a leather butcher apron on?

00:56:44.000 Yeah.

00:56:45.000 These people are a problem, though, because some of these people are, not this guy, I'm not saying this guy, but some of these people are unethical, and then they go leave these things.

00:56:53.000 So they bury it in the sand.

00:56:53.000 Oh, look what I found.

00:56:54.000 Wow.

00:56:54.000 This is appropriation, too.

00:56:56.000 It does look pretty real.

00:56:57.000 It looks a lot like that one.

00:56:58.000 You know what's okay to appropriate?

00:57:00.000 Indians? 0.96

00:57:01.000 White people. 0.69

00:57:01.000 Did you see the... 0.69

00:57:03.000 That makes sense.

00:57:06.000 There's a Boston...

00:57:08.000 It's like Boston Globe.

00:57:11.000 They had a photo of St. Patrick's Day, and it's a black dude dressed like a leprechaun.

00:57:14.000 I'm like, hey.

00:57:15.000 Hey.

00:57:16.000 What are we doing here?

00:57:17.000 That's ours. 1.00

00:57:18.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:57:20.000 Who the fuck is that guy? 1.00

00:57:22.000 Who the fuck is that guy? 1.00

00:57:23.000 That's how I wouldn't listen to that accent. 1.00

00:57:25.000 But it's like, hey, what are we doing here?

00:57:28.000 Are you just like sticking it in everybody's face?

00:57:30.000 You couldn't find an Irish guy in Boston?

00:57:32.000 It's literally their holiday?

00:57:34.000 Acting is harder than UFC, because he's in Roadhouse.

00:57:37.000 That was a quote from Conor.

00:57:39.000 Oh, really?

00:57:40.000 Acting is harder than UFC. Listen to me.

00:57:42.000 That's not true.

00:57:44.000 That's not true.

00:57:45.000 Because he trained UFC his whole life.

00:57:47.000 Okay, act in Roadhouse or fight Khabib again. 1.00

00:57:49.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:57:50.000 That is crazy talk. 1.00

00:57:51.000 That's crazy talk.

00:57:52.000 I think he probably just meant that he's bad at it. 1.00

00:57:54.000 He broke his fucking leg in a fight. 1.00

00:57:58.000 He broke his leg. 1.00

00:57:59.000 Like, that's harder.

00:58:00.000 Yes.

00:58:00.000 That's way harder than what's actually harder.

00:58:03.000 I think he was just making a statement, a quote.

00:58:05.000 He said it.

00:58:05.000 But a level of if he's good at it or not.

00:58:08.000 Listen, the guy's promoting a movie.

00:58:10.000 There you go.

00:58:11.000 I think he's making excuses.

00:58:12.000 He's a great promoter.

00:58:14.000 Learning how to act completely blown out versus doing UFC. He's an amazing promoter.

00:58:19.000 He is.

00:58:19.000 He's the best promoter in the history of the sport.

00:58:21.000 No one even comes close.

00:58:24.000 There's Conor McGregor and everybody else.

00:58:26.000 Can we bring up that interview?

00:58:28.000 Him on the red carpet, just blown out. 1.00

00:58:30.000 Oh yeah, out of his fucking mind. 1.00

00:58:32.000 There you go. 1.00

00:58:32.000 Reveals why acting is harder than him. 1.00

00:58:33.000 That's just a clickbait bullshit headline that you fell for, son. 0.99

00:58:36.000 Reveals why. 1.00

00:58:38.000 This is it.

00:58:39.000 Acting is harder!

00:58:40.000 Time-time consumption!

00:58:42.000 Do it, Jan.

00:58:43.000 You can do it better than me.

00:58:44.000 Hold on, I can't.

00:58:44.000 Go ahead.

00:58:45.000 Acting is harder.

00:58:47.000 Time, time, time.

00:58:48.000 I gotta see him, because he's on coke for this one.

00:58:50.000 Just saying.

00:58:51.000 Go for it.

00:58:52.000 Go for it.

00:58:53.000 Time consumption, and it's not just acting and fighting.

00:58:56.000 You got it.

00:58:57.000 You got it.

00:58:58.000 You got it.

00:58:58.000 You're on it.

00:58:59.000 You got it.

00:59:00.000 No, you got it, dude.

00:59:01.000 Get fired up.

00:59:02.000 Take a deep breath.

00:59:02.000 Come on!

00:59:03.000 This is harder than UFC. It's also remembering the line, and you have some things.

00:59:11.000 You got it.

00:59:11.000 You got it, dude.

00:59:13.000 You got it.

00:59:13.000 Let me see him say it, so I can...

00:59:16.000 Just give me a little bit.

00:59:17.000 We just need a little Coke.

00:59:18.000 Give me a taste.

00:59:18.000 It's just a difficult game and a lot more difficult than I give it credi- Ahhhh.

00:59:23.000 You sound like Colin Tyrell. 0.99

00:59:24.000 Damn. 1.00

00:59:25.000 He's dubbing. 1.00

00:59:27.000 There he is.

00:59:28.000 Who's the lady? 1.00

00:59:29.000 Acting.

00:59:30.000 Time consumption.

00:59:32.000 Time consumption.

00:59:34.000 Time consumption.

00:59:35.000 Action and fighting and stunts.

00:59:37.000 It's also memory in the line and you have to time things correctly.

00:59:41.000 You're engaging with another person.

00:59:42.000 It's just a difficult game.

00:59:44.000 Alright, I can get it now.

00:59:46.000 Time consumption.

00:59:47.000 Time consumption.

00:59:48.000 It takes a lot of time.

00:59:49.000 There's a lot of sitting around.

00:59:50.000 If you're acting, you're going to be on a set 16 hours a day.

00:59:54.000 You're probably going to be sitting around for 10, especially if you're Connor.

00:59:58.000 You're not Jake Lillenhall.

00:59:59.000 You're going to be waiting around for your line.

01:00:01.000 Yeah.

01:00:02.000 We don't need you again until tomorrow this time.

01:00:03.000 Mate, what was it like when you kissed that cowboy?

01:00:08.000 Was that for real?

01:00:09.000 Did you really kiss him?

01:00:10.000 Was it CGI? Do a Connor accent for me?

01:00:14.000 Torn consumption.

01:00:15.000 What was it like when you kissed that cowboy? 1.00

01:00:17.000 You fucked him so hard he killed himself. 1.00

01:00:20.000 I'm not that good at it. 1.00

01:00:21.000 I don't think that's why he killed himself. 1.00

01:00:23.000 He OD'd because you fucked his ass. 1.00

01:00:25.000 It was just shame. 1.00

01:00:26.000 But he wasn't into it.

01:00:27.000 That's correct.

01:00:29.000 The shame of it. 1.00

01:00:31.000 That lost the Oscar to some bullshit. 1.00

01:00:34.000 That was a great movie. 0.99

01:00:35.000 Do you think it should have won? 1.00

01:00:36.000 That was a good fucking movie. 1.00

01:00:36.000 Great movie. 1.00

01:00:37.000 Ang Lee.

01:00:39.000 The same guy who did the Hulk.

01:00:41.000 Yeah.

01:00:42.000 Oh, he did that.

01:00:42.000 What did they lose to?

01:00:43.000 The Eric Bana Hulk.

01:00:45.000 That's right.

01:00:45.000 That was a good one.

01:00:46.000 That was a good one.

01:00:46.000 That was the first CGI Hulk.

01:00:48.000 Mmm.

01:00:49.000 Eric Bana, that's a good hunk, dude.

01:00:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:53.000 He's a good hunk.

01:00:54.000 Munich.

01:00:55.000 He's one of my favorite hunks.

01:00:56.000 Underrated Hulk.

01:00:57.000 Yeah, he's great.

01:00:57.000 He was oiled up, though, bro.

01:00:59.000 What was that?

01:00:59.000 Bronson?

01:01:01.000 No, no, that's Tom Hardy.

01:01:02.000 Oh, that's right.

01:01:03.000 Tom Hardy's an elite hunk.

01:01:04.000 But Eric Bana did an indie movie early on that was really good.

01:01:10.000 Eric Bana?

01:01:11.000 Yeah.

01:01:11.000 Oh, that looks like right there.

01:01:13.000 Look at those tits. 1.00

01:01:14.000 Look at them tits. 1.00

01:01:15.000 Damn, he's got some pants. 1.00

01:01:17.000 Oh, no, it was about the jail guy. 1.00

01:01:20.000 Gregory Peck.

01:01:21.000 Who was it about?

01:01:22.000 What was that movie?

01:01:22.000 He was in Gladiator.

01:01:24.000 The movie about the guy that was in jail.

01:01:26.000 It wasn't Bronson?

01:01:28.000 What was the movie about the guy that... 0.94

01:01:30.000 There's some crazy, psychotic guy that was like an Australian... 1.00

01:01:34.000 Chopper! 0.98

01:01:34.000 That's what I've heard of it. 0.98

01:01:36.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:01:37.000 Dude, that's a fucking great movie, man. 0.98

01:01:40.000 I thought it was Bert. 0.99

01:01:41.000 I thought it was Bronson.

01:01:43.000 It's Chopper...

01:01:44.000 He wishes he was Fat Chopper.

01:01:45.000 Chopper's about this dude.

01:01:46.000 Can you show me the title again? 0.99

01:01:49.000 It's about this dude who's like this crazy fucking criminal, Australia's most notorious criminal, Mark Chopper Reed, in his years of crime, interest in violence, drugs, and prostitutes. 1.00

01:01:59.000 It's a fucking crazy movie. 1.00

01:02:01.000 And Eric Bana knocks it out of the park. 1.00

01:02:04.000 He knocks it out of the park in that movie.

01:02:06.000 It's a great movie.

01:02:07.000 I feel like he's out, sitting out.

01:02:08.000 I haven't seen him in a while.

01:02:09.000 Yeah, he's been chilling.

01:02:10.000 He's just being a hunk, dude.

01:02:12.000 Hunk it up.

01:02:13.000 Give me some of this.

01:02:14.000 Well, we can't play. 0.99

01:02:15.000 Oh, we can't play it because of fucking YouTube. 0.99

01:02:17.000 Listen to YouTube, I love you, but come on. 0.99

01:02:20.000 Don't get silly. 0.55

01:02:21.000 And you play YouTube videos? 0.98

01:02:23.000 What?

01:02:23.000 What happened?

01:02:24.000 That's a problem.

01:02:24.000 Oh, no.

01:02:25.000 It's like our favorite thing.

01:02:27.000 That's what we do.

01:02:28.000 We can play them, but then they have to all get cut out.

01:02:29.000 What about TikTok?

01:02:30.000 What?

01:02:31.000 We play TikTok videos? 1.00

01:02:32.000 It's a problem with copyright shit. 0.99

01:02:33.000 What about home movies? 0.99

01:02:35.000 You got some movies?

01:02:36.000 No, but I mean, there's one of those rules.

01:02:39.000 We need to see a little bit of a home video.

01:02:41.000 Whittle R.E. in Israel.

01:02:43.000 Where his dreams got dashed. 1.00

01:02:45.000 Hey, this is all bullshit. 1.00

01:02:48.000 How old were you when you- Little learned Ari? 1.00

01:02:51.000 Do you remember the moment when you decided that you were going to fall out of religion?

01:02:55.000 When I was like, oh, hold on. 1.00

01:02:56.000 Fuck, I wasted a lot of time. 1.00

01:02:57.000 What was the moment? 1.00

01:02:58.000 It was 19 in Israel and Jerusalem.

01:03:01.000 Oh, you were there!

01:03:02.000 Was there a thing that happened?

01:03:03.000 Was there a thing that happened?

01:03:05.000 Yeah, I was just like, oh, I'm done.

01:03:06.000 I don't care about any of this.

01:03:08.000 The Iron Dome got bombed.

01:03:10.000 What'd you say, Shane?

01:03:11.000 I just remembered.

01:03:12.000 I was like, if we can't show YouTube, we've got to find funny videos.

01:03:15.000 And I have a very funny video.

01:03:17.000 I've got to send it to JMO. Send it to JMO. Goddammit.

01:03:19.000 What can we show?

01:03:20.000 It's so annoying.

01:03:20.000 The thing is, if you have the volume and they see the image, you get hit with a copyright claim.

01:03:26.000 Copyright?

01:03:26.000 Wouldn't they want to be on here?

01:03:29.000 Look, we're fucking doing an ad for Chopper. 0.97

01:03:32.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:03:33.000 That fucking movie was awesome. 0.99

01:03:34.000 And Eric Banner was awesome. 0.99

01:03:35.000 I've never even heard of it.

01:03:37.000 There you go.

01:03:38.000 That was the big movie that he made it with.

01:03:39.000 Have you seen Magic with the guy from Westworld?

01:03:41.000 It's real similar to Bronson, though, isn't it?

01:03:43.000 I've never seen that one.

01:03:44.000 Isn't Bronson a similar situation? 0.99

01:03:46.000 He's a crazy criminal guy. 0.90

01:03:48.000 That's why I got him mixed up. 0.81

01:03:49.000 But you know what Tom Hardy's doing jujitsu?

01:03:52.000 He's a sexy man.

01:03:53.000 Yeah, I think Tom Hardy kissed guys too.

01:03:56.000 That's Tom Hardy?

01:03:58.000 No effing way. 1.00

01:03:59.000 He probably got tired of pussy. 1.00

01:04:00.000 He's so good looking, he probably got tired of pussy. 1.00

01:04:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:03.000 Look at him.

01:04:03.000 You know he was in Band of Brothers?

01:04:05.000 Was he?

01:04:05.000 Was he in Band of Brothers?

01:04:06.000 He was in Warrior.

01:04:07.000 Briefly.

01:04:07.000 Band of Brothers might have been the best series of all time.

01:04:10.000 No one gives it credit.

01:04:11.000 Good series.

01:04:11.000 That's crazy.

01:04:12.000 People give it credit.

01:04:13.000 Nah, it's never talked about.

01:04:14.000 They talk about The Wire.

01:04:15.000 It was a mini-series.

01:04:16.000 Six feet under.

01:04:16.000 Because it was only one season.

01:04:17.000 Well, they keep going.

01:04:17.000 They have Masters of Air.

01:04:19.000 They're still doing it. 1.00

01:04:19.000 Yeah, look at his young ass. 1.00

01:04:20.000 Look at his lips. 1.00

01:04:22.000 He's got some DSLs.

01:04:23.000 Oh my god, what sweet lips.

01:04:25.000 Go to Tom Hardy and Warrior.

01:04:27.000 I'm Hardy.

01:04:27.000 Wait, Tom Hardy?

01:04:28.000 I thought we were talking about hot guys now.

01:04:30.000 I thought we were talking about a different guy.

01:04:31.000 That's not who we were talking about.

01:04:32.000 Bro, look at him in Warrior.

01:04:33.000 Hachi Machi.

01:04:35.000 Look at those traps.

01:04:35.000 I thought we were talking about the Hulk.

01:04:37.000 I'd like to shit on him right now. 0.99

01:04:39.000 We're talking hot guys. 1.00

01:04:40.000 Shut up. 0.98

01:04:41.000 Eric Bana was Chopper. 1.00

01:04:43.000 I got Chopper confused with Bronson.

01:04:45.000 Bronson was Tom Hardy.

01:04:47.000 Warrior, bro. 1.00

01:04:48.000 It's a good time to be a whore. 1.00

01:04:49.000 Gyllenhaal jacked is nice, too. 1.00

01:04:51.000 He's jacked.

01:04:52.000 He's great in abs.

01:04:53.000 Well, he was great in Southpaw.

01:04:54.000 You ever see Southpaw?

01:04:55.000 Yeah, nobody watched that.

01:04:56.000 That's a good movie.

01:04:56.000 Yeah, that was a fun one.

01:04:57.000 I saw it on a plane.

01:04:58.000 You know what I like is Miles Teller in Bleed for this.

01:05:01.000 That was a good boxing movie.

01:05:02.000 Oh, yeah, about the Italian guy.

01:05:04.000 What's his name?

01:05:05.000 Rhode Island.

01:05:06.000 Bro, look at that.

01:05:07.000 That's a hot guy.

01:05:08.000 Man, he was plowing witherspoon.

01:05:11.000 He looks like... 0.99

01:05:12.000 That guy got in fucking serious shape. 0.99

01:05:15.000 Look at those abs. 1.00

01:05:17.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:05:18.000 He's hotter than his sister. 1.00

01:05:19.000 Nice medicine. 0.97

01:05:20.000 Alright.

01:05:21.000 So this is...

01:05:21.000 I gotta tell you guys this.

01:05:22.000 Underrated movie.

01:05:23.000 Oh, it's about Vinnie Pazienza.

01:05:25.000 That's the guy.

01:05:26.000 Yeah.

01:05:26.000 Hold on.

01:05:27.000 I sent Jamie this video.

01:05:29.000 It's...

01:05:31.000 My friend Nate Marshall, I told him I wouldn't share this.

01:05:35.000 The black. 0.95

01:05:36.000 He is black. 0.98

01:05:37.000 Yes. 0.98

01:05:37.000 You call him the black? 0.98

01:05:38.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

01:05:39.000 He's the black. 0.99

01:05:40.000 He's the number one. 0.97

01:05:41.000 He's the best black out there.

01:05:46.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:05:48.000 He's the black supremacist. 0.99

01:05:49.000 So this is me, Santino, and Big Cat. 0.99

01:05:52.000 We're at Barstool.

01:05:54.000 We're shooting around.

01:05:56.000 That's Santino, that's me, that's Big Cat.

01:05:58.000 Nate said he was like, I'm going to wait until everyone's gone to shoot the ball because I haven't shot in a while.

01:06:06.000 But while we're still out here, he picks one up. 1.00

01:06:08.000 Wait until you see this fucking shot. 1.00

01:06:13.000 He's not the black anymore. 1.00

01:06:16.000 Everyone was like, wait, what was that?

01:06:19.000 He didn't make it to the paint. 1.00

01:06:21.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:06:22.000 Let me see that again. 1.00

01:06:23.000 You gotta see the first one.

01:06:24.000 Ted Cruz is a better basketball player.

01:06:26.000 That's a dude who severely overestimates his ability to throw things.

01:06:30.000 He made it to the basket!

01:06:32.000 On the floor!

01:06:33.000 I've been there.

01:06:34.000 That's a tough feeling.

01:06:38.000 His hands behind his back and hasn't even hit the arc yet.

01:06:42.000 Has he ever played?

01:06:43.000 No chance.

01:06:44.000 No chance.

01:06:45.000 He's a fisher. 1.00

01:06:45.000 Listen, I talk a lot of shit, but my 10-year-old beat me at horse once. 1.00

01:06:48.000 Oh! 1.00

01:06:50.000 Basketball sucks if you can't do it. 1.00

01:06:51.000 But you're not black. 1.00

01:06:52.000 You're not expecting anything of you. 1.00

01:06:53.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00

01:06:55.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:06:56.000 Yeah, she's 10. Did you guys see Bobby Kelly working out? 1.00

01:06:58.000 No.

01:06:59.000 He does that?

01:07:01.000 We got videos of Bobby Kelly working out.

01:07:03.000 What is Bobby Kelly?

01:07:04.000 John Jones!

01:07:06.000 You ever see Mike Tyson throw basketballs?

01:07:09.000 No.

01:07:10.000 Mike Tyson's terrible. 0.99

01:07:12.000 He's awesome at fucking people up, though. 1.00

01:07:15.000 Terrible at basketball. 0.99

01:07:17.000 Bones.

01:07:17.000 So what is John doing?

01:07:18.000 He's gonna dunk?

01:07:19.000 No, he can't dunk.

01:07:20.000 No, it hit him on the head.

01:07:21.000 Yeah, you'll see Connor try to throw a football.

01:07:23.000 None of the UFC guys can do it.

01:07:24.000 Also, John is not gonna hurt himself.

01:07:26.000 Yeah.

01:07:27.000 Like going full clip.

01:07:28.000 Full seguro.

01:07:29.000 Yeah, full seguro. 0.99

01:07:30.000 Blowing his knee out, which can fucking happen. 0.99

01:07:33.000 Sure. 0.99

01:07:33.000 You get a little wacky. 0.99

01:07:35.000 Get a little wacky with your explosiveness.

01:07:36.000 He's not afraid to get a little wacky with his explosiveness, though. 0.99

01:07:38.000 I tore my meniscus in my knee once, wearing fucking jeans, doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling. 0.99

01:07:45.000 I tore my meniscus. 0.99

01:07:49.000 It was fucked up for like a year after that. 0.99

01:07:53.000 You gotta see Bobby Kelly working out. 0.94

01:07:55.000 Can you send it to him?

01:07:56.000 You can't just do stuff.

01:07:57.000 I know what he's gonna look like.

01:07:58.000 Ship breaks.

01:07:59.000 Well, you gotta know your wheelhouse. 0.99

01:08:00.000 Bobby Kelly's gonna look like a 50-year-old lesbian. 1.00

01:08:04.000 He's already there. 0.97

01:08:05.000 He's gonna look like that.

01:08:06.000 50?

01:08:06.000 Just working out.

01:08:07.000 He's gonna look like a...

01:08:08.000 74. He's gonna look like an old woman working out. 1.00

01:08:11.000 No, this is no offense to Bobby.

01:08:12.000 Why do you want to show this, Ari?

01:08:12.000 Santino found security footage.

01:08:14.000 They had a private workout.

01:08:15.000 And Santino found security footage. 0.99

01:08:16.000 Bobby's gonna kill us. 1.00

01:08:17.000 He's gonna kill us. 0.99

01:08:19.000 Why are you fitness shaming your friend? 0.59

01:08:21.000 Also, yeah, I just texted you.

01:08:23.000 Do we have to watch this?

01:08:24.000 Can I see it first to decide?

01:08:25.000 I feel bad.

01:08:26.000 I feel bad.

01:08:27.000 Bobby's a sensitive guy.

01:08:29.000 Can I just say this before we keep going?

01:08:31.000 I didn't get a chance to compliment him after I just trashed him.

01:08:34.000 I love Bobby.

01:08:35.000 Yeah, we all love Bobby.

01:08:36.000 Because I just trashed him and then we kept moving him.

01:08:38.000 Bobby's my boy.

01:08:39.000 He just did my potty. 0.92

01:08:40.000 Killed it.

01:08:41.000 He's great. 0.67

01:08:42.000 He's a great human being.

01:08:43.000 I've known Bobby for like 30 years.

01:08:45.000 Lap man. 0.56

01:08:46.000 He's fat again.

01:08:47.000 No, he's not.

01:08:48.000 Oh, he's back.

01:08:49.000 No, no.

01:08:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:08:51.000 Need to go back on the lap.

01:08:53.000 Another lap.

01:08:53.000 He's not that fat.

01:08:54.000 Oh, he's big, baby.

01:08:56.000 Really?

01:08:56.000 Yeah, I just had him on.

01:08:59.000 Oh, that sucks. 0.99

01:09:00.000 No, he's normal. 0.99

01:09:01.000 He's not even close.

01:09:03.000 He's husky.

01:09:04.000 Every time I see him, it's still like, I remember the old you.

01:09:07.000 So every time it's like, nowhere near the old him.

01:09:10.000 But he's hot Bobby.

01:09:10.000 What?

01:09:11.000 Hot Bobby.

01:09:11.000 No, I remember the fat Bobby.

01:09:13.000 And you haven't seen him in like two months.

01:09:14.000 You're like, oh, right.

01:09:14.000 Well, I met Bobby when he was like 20. Oh, that was Hot Bobby.

01:09:17.000 Yeah, I met Hot Bobby.

01:09:18.000 He looked Puerto Rican.

01:09:19.000 Full head of hair.

01:09:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:09:21.000 He was with Alan the Monkees.

01:09:23.000 Alan the Monkees was like a comedy troupe that would...

01:09:26.000 And Dane Cook was the main guy.

01:09:29.000 Oh, really?

01:09:30.000 He doesn't look any fatter.

01:09:31.000 Yes.

01:09:32.000 So this video of him falling down...

01:09:34.000 Oh no.

01:09:36.000 Oh no. 1.00

01:09:38.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:09:40.000 Oh no, man. 1.00

01:09:41.000 There's like zero...

01:09:42.000 Do you have a seizure?

01:09:44.000 It's like a Mr. Bean sketch. 1.00

01:09:46.000 I'm still gonna try to work out, this idiot. 1.00

01:09:48.000 That's what you have to do. 1.00

01:09:49.000 I'm okay.

01:09:50.000 I'm okay.

01:09:51.000 He's really heavily dressed.

01:09:52.000 He's got a beanie on.

01:09:53.000 Yeah, he's got the beanie on.

01:09:56.000 Oh, that's bad.

01:09:57.000 Right there.

01:09:58.000 I think I'm... 0.99

01:09:58.000 Oh shit. 0.99

01:09:59.000 Oh, it's a lot of weight. 1.00

01:10:00.000 Oh fuck. 0.99

01:10:00.000 This is like Rowan Atkinson. 0.99

01:10:01.000 But he had the wherewithal to not let go of the weight so it didn't fall on his fucking head. 1.00

01:10:05.000 It's like Pelosi and the drink. 0.99

01:10:08.000 He didn't let it go.

01:10:09.000 He's still holding it.

01:10:10.000 Yeah, that's what kept him alive. 0.93

01:10:12.000 Humping that machine, though. 1.00

01:10:13.000 That's a fucking five-pound weight. 1.00

01:10:15.000 No, no, he would have died. 1.00

01:10:17.000 That weighs 25 pounds.

01:10:19.000 What was he doing?

01:10:20.000 That's a 25. He was trying to do decline bench press.

01:10:24.000 It's a tough move. 0.99

01:10:24.000 Why the fuck would he be doing decline bench press? 0.99

01:10:26.000 Because he's been working out. 0.99

01:10:27.000 He wants to mix it up.

01:10:28.000 He wants to do some of these. 0.99

01:10:29.000 He needs some fucking kettlebells in his life. 1.00

01:10:31.000 A decline? 1.00

01:10:32.000 He keeps going.

01:10:33.000 He does it in a second.

01:10:34.000 Keep going.

01:10:34.000 He does it.

01:10:35.000 Once he gets up, he does it.

01:10:36.000 This keeps you funny, though.

01:10:38.000 If he was killing this, he wouldn't be as funny.

01:10:40.000 He's still trying to do it. 0.55

01:10:41.000 Alright, those are eight pound weights!

01:10:44.000 This is my grandmother with cancer does this. 1.00

01:10:46.000 Can we zoom in on the weight?

01:10:48.000 What are we doing here?

01:10:50.000 Intensify?

01:10:50.000 Yeah, enhance.

01:10:51.000 There's two numbers there.

01:10:53.000 Quadrant Dree 3. Enhance.

01:10:54.000 I think it says 6.0.

01:10:56.000 6.0?

01:10:57.000 You gotta see, first he goes to the plates and he goes, uh, actually, nah.

01:11:00.000 Hey, you know what, dude?

01:11:02.000 Look, he's looking at those plates and goes, eh, we're not going to do that.

01:11:05.000 You know what, dude?

01:11:05.000 I'll pick up these dens, do a little of this.

01:11:08.000 He's so lucky. 1.00

01:11:08.000 Are you going to show it again, you piece of shit? 1.00

01:11:10.000 One more time. 1.00

01:11:13.000 One more time.

01:11:14.000 Thankfully, Bobby's been nice to all of us.

01:11:16.000 He needs a trainer. 1.00

01:11:18.000 By the way, he's an asshole to all of us, so fuck him. 1.00

01:11:21.000 He's never an asshole to me. 1.00

01:11:23.000 Yeah, that's different. 0.98

01:11:24.000 But I've known him forever.

01:11:26.000 You're shorter than me.

01:11:27.000 I've known him forever.

01:11:28.000 I've known him since he was...

01:11:30.000 He has a problem with all these tall guys over 5'8".

01:11:32.000 Is that the issue?

01:11:33.000 Yeah.

01:11:33.000 Well, he was confident when you knew him.

01:11:34.000 No, we're just newer than him.

01:11:35.000 Yeah.

01:11:36.000 I've known that guy forever. 1.00

01:11:37.000 First time I met him, he was like, fuck it, I don't like your confidence, you're an asshole. 1.00

01:11:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:41.000 He's always like, welcome to the comedy scene.

01:11:43.000 He's a comedian.

01:11:43.000 Glad to have you.

01:11:44.000 It's out of love. 1.00

01:11:44.000 You're a piece of shit. 1.00

01:11:45.000 He's talking shit. 1.00

01:11:46.000 But he's always like, you youngsters, I'm like, Ari's 51. Yeah. 1.00

01:11:50.000 On a good day.

01:11:51.000 I'm older than your kid.

01:11:52.000 He's like boss.

01:11:54.000 Yeah, boss.

01:11:54.000 He's like, you're a middle.

01:11:55.000 I'm like...

01:11:56.000 I'm doing better than you! 1.00

01:11:58.000 Bunch of fucking middles. 1.00

01:12:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:01.000 Well, some guys, you stay a middle forever.

01:12:03.000 That's it.

01:12:04.000 That's true.

01:12:04.000 Yeah, that was Boston.

01:12:05.000 That's true. 0.99

01:12:06.000 In Boston, he's a fucking middle act. 0.98

01:12:08.000 How's he doing good? 0.99

01:12:10.000 I don't know, it's 28 years past.

01:12:11.000 He's in an arena!

01:12:12.000 He's in an arena, man.

01:12:14.000 Of all the things we just said about Bobby that he'll be mad at, me saying he's like Voss is going to be the one.

01:12:20.000 Voss is awesome.

01:12:22.000 Voss is hilarious. 1.00

01:12:23.000 I meant he's like Voss when it comes to talking shit. 1.00

01:12:26.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:12:26.000 And when you're new and you show up, Voss will be the first guy to be like, look at you, you dumbass. 1.00

01:12:31.000 What are you doing here? 1.00

01:12:31.000 Stupid. 1.00

01:12:31.000 But that's true. 1.00

01:12:32.000 They both do it.

01:12:33.000 And it's out of love.

01:12:34.000 It's both of them out of love.

01:12:35.000 Totally.

01:12:35.000 It's also like seeing if you can hang.

01:12:37.000 Yeah.

01:12:37.000 Right.

01:12:37.000 Like, are you going to get upset if someone talks shit about you?

01:12:40.000 He's making fun of you. 0.99

01:12:40.000 We're having fun. 0.99

01:12:41.000 So many people have told me Voss was mean.

01:12:44.000 No.

01:12:44.000 And it's like he's the nicest dude possible.

01:12:47.000 Sweet guy.

01:12:47.000 Listen, this is one of the best things that can ever happen, is you bomb and then you hang out with your friends.

01:12:51.000 And you go, oh my god, I just ate dick. 1.00

01:12:53.000 Bro, what the fuck happened to you up there? 1.00

01:12:55.000 And then you're laughing. 1.00

01:12:55.000 You feel terrible, but at least everybody's laughing. 1.00

01:12:58.000 And you're having a good time and busting each other's balls. 0.96

01:13:01.000 Bro, I watched 15 people walk out. 0.98

01:13:03.000 No.

01:13:03.000 Yeah, there's people walking out and shaking their head.

01:13:05.000 That was funny. 0.99

01:13:06.000 It was fucking hot death, dude. 0.99

01:13:07.000 What happened? 0.99

01:13:08.000 Montgomery tried to do that to me the other night.

01:13:12.000 I got off stage and I was like, you know, I always do.

01:13:15.000 This time I meant it, because I actually did do very bad. 1.00

01:13:17.000 I was like, fuck, I sucked up there. 1.00

01:13:19.000 And he was like, Yeah, what was that? 1.00

01:13:22.000 As soon as he said that, I was like, you fucking worry about you, motherfucker. 1.00

01:13:26.000 I went in there talking shit to myself. 1.00

01:13:31.000 The second somebody else was like, yeah, that sucked. 1.00

01:13:33.000 I was like, don't ever worry about what I'm doing.

01:13:37.000 He was like, God, I'll never do that again.

01:13:40.000 William, you never know, like, are we in a play together?

01:13:44.000 Like, are we having a real conversation?

01:13:45.000 Yeah, yeah, what is this?

01:13:46.000 Hey, William, how are you doing?

01:13:47.000 Right?

01:13:48.000 And you're like, I don't know that.

01:13:49.000 I guess we're playing along.

01:13:51.000 Yeah, what was that?

01:13:52.000 I got a free bear claw from a dumpster.

01:13:54.000 Like, I don't know where to go.

01:13:58.000 Okay.

01:13:58.000 I went too hard on him.

01:13:59.000 I feel bad about it.

01:14:00.000 Well, he was the best.

01:14:01.000 He murdered last night on Kill Tony. 1.00

01:14:04.000 I mean, fucking murdered. 1.00

01:14:05.000 Fresh minute. 1.00

01:14:06.000 Does a fresh minute every week.

01:14:08.000 Alright, he's got a minute.

01:14:09.000 That style is like, he could write about anything. 0.99

01:14:13.000 Because it's so, his style, and if you know who he is, he's so ridiculous. 0.97

01:14:17.000 It's one of those things like Hedberg. 0.86

01:14:19.000 Like when Mitch Hedberg would go on after like a rapper, like they would put him on after like comedy rap, and it would be death.

01:14:25.000 But once people figured out it was Mitch Hedberg and he got appropriate opening acts, then people came to see it.

01:14:32.000 They knew it, bro.

01:14:33.000 Like typical down-the-line comedy, and they're like, not this weirdo.

01:14:37.000 Some guys would play music, and they would have funny songs, they'd close with that, and then they'd have Hedberg go up.

01:14:43.000 Man, Hedberg was great. 0.99

01:14:44.000 He'd go on Letterman, and a joke would bomb, and he'd go, I'm aware that joke is stupid. 0.99

01:14:48.000 Which you never saw on Late Night. 0.99

01:14:50.000 It was so polished.

01:14:52.000 Yeah.

01:14:53.000 My mom loves those applause breaks. 0.56

01:14:55.000 Mitzi, she gave him two spots once. 0.87

01:14:56.000 He was going to be in town.

01:14:57.000 She gave him two spots.

01:14:58.000 And then somebody called in, whoever.

01:14:59.000 And she was like, oh, cancel that new guy.

01:15:02.000 And I was working the phones like, comedy hero.

01:15:05.000 New guy.

01:15:07.000 Cancel him? 0.99

01:15:07.000 Mitzi didn't give a fuck. 0.99

01:15:09.000 And I was like, yeah, call that Hedberg guy and tell him he's got one less spot. 0.99

01:15:12.000 What?

01:15:13.000 Hey, I'm sorry.

01:15:14.000 I know we had two spots for you.

01:15:16.000 So Tuesday's out. 0.99

01:15:18.000 Fucking Jeremy Dingle called in. 0.99

01:15:20.000 For who? 0.99

01:15:21.000 Somebody that she liked at the time.

01:15:23.000 Whoever it was.

01:15:23.000 I don't know.

01:15:24.000 It didn't matter. 1.00

01:15:25.000 It was like, the fucking head coach is going to do a spot! 1.00

01:15:26.000 Let me do a spot! 1.00

01:15:27.000 Was her finger that far off the pulse?

01:15:29.000 Yeah.

01:15:30.000 Very far.

01:15:31.000 By the night.

01:15:31.000 She hated Louis.

01:15:32.000 She hated Seinfeld.

01:15:34.000 No, it wasn't just that. 0.99

01:15:35.000 She didn't know about anything that was going on outside the store, nor did she give a fuck. 0.99

01:15:39.000 But she seemed kind of like a gimmick. 0.98

01:15:41.000 She seemed like a gimmick?

01:15:43.000 She seemed to like a gimmick.

01:15:44.000 She would've liked him then!

01:15:45.000 Yeah, she had some wacky ideas about selling sitcoms and she wanted comics. 0.57

01:15:50.000 But that was what was going on back in the day.

01:15:53.000 So you gotta imagine, that's why the Comedy Store has podcasts now.

01:15:56.000 Why?

01:15:56.000 Because we all started podcasts, the podcasts got huge.

01:15:59.000 So back in the day, the Comedy Store was seeing all these comics Developing and getting sitcoms.

01:16:04.000 All the way from Chico and the Man with Freddie Prinze. 0.99

01:16:08.000 He was like the first comic to get a fucking sitcom. 0.96

01:16:11.000 And then Sanford and Son was along that time with Red Fox. 0.99

01:16:14.000 And then it was of course Roseanne and Tim Allen and Seinfeld and Brett Butler.

01:16:19.000 So that was the formula. 0.99

01:16:20.000 Everybody wanted to get a fucking sitcom. 0.99

01:16:22.000 So Mitzi had these ideas of developing sitcoms. 0.99

01:16:26.000 So she created these characters.

01:16:28.000 You should be this guy.

01:16:30.000 Right.

01:16:30.000 She named Mencia.

01:16:31.000 She named it.

01:16:32.000 You're trying to fire it up.

01:16:32.000 What do you mean named him?

01:16:33.000 Named him.

01:16:34.000 That's not his name.

01:16:35.000 She told him that.

01:16:37.000 Wow.

01:16:39.000 And it's not just that.

01:16:41.000 She was right.

01:16:41.000 Yeah, she was right.

01:16:42.000 But it was not just that.

01:16:43.000 It was like a bunch of different things.

01:16:44.000 She wanted people to do things. 0.99

01:16:47.000 There's not as bad as some comedy club owners had terrible fucking suggestions. 0.96

01:16:53.000 What are you doing over there, Ari? 0.99

01:16:54.000 Ari's playing grab at us. 1.00

01:16:55.000 He's trying to kiss me or something.

01:16:58.000 Kiss.

01:16:58.000 My buddy opened for Gallagher and he was Joe List.

01:17:02.000 And Gallagher was like, you're tall.

01:17:04.000 You should do a whole basketball thing.

01:17:05.000 You should come on stage with a basketball and then dunk it and then do your act.

01:17:10.000 And List was like, ah, I'm not going to do that.

01:17:11.000 There's so many times.

01:17:14.000 Kid Rock will hit you with advice.

01:17:17.000 He was hitting me. 1.00

01:17:18.000 He was like, you dress like shit up there. 1.00

01:17:21.000 You should be wearing a suit and a bow tie. 1.00

01:17:25.000 Bowtie?

01:17:25.000 Sinatra, like those guys used.

01:17:27.000 You could really separate yourself.

01:17:28.000 Yeah, I like it.

01:17:30.000 I'm thinking he's right.

01:17:31.000 I'll never do that.

01:17:32.000 I'm thinking he's right.

01:17:33.000 I'm thinking you with a bowtie.

01:17:34.000 He was the first to FaceTime me after SNL to be like, dude, he FaceTimed me and was like, how do you think you did?

01:17:41.000 I hate that question. 0.99

01:17:42.000 And I was like, are you calling me to tell me I fucking bombed you, dickhead? 1.00

01:17:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:46.000 I fucking hung up on him, dude. 1.00

01:17:49.000 Yeah, good. 0.99

01:17:50.000 How do you think you did? 1.00

01:17:51.000 He was fucking with me. 1.00

01:17:52.000 He's funny, but... 1.00

01:17:53.000 How do you think you did?

01:17:54.000 He wanted me to own the libs, dude. 0.98

01:17:56.000 Yeah, you should get a bow tie, though.

01:17:57.000 He was right about that. 1.00

01:17:58.000 He was like, that was pussy shit. 1.00

01:18:00.000 He was like, you should have went on there. 1.00

01:18:01.000 He said retard, he said gay. 0.99

01:18:03.000 No, no, I know, but for him, that's... 0.98

01:18:05.000 He saw my stand-up show and was like, you're not going hard enough.

01:18:08.000 Oh, wow.

01:18:09.000 You need to say, like, the N-word.

01:18:11.000 I don't know.

01:18:13.000 That wasn't his actual note, for the record.

01:18:15.000 Sure.

01:18:17.000 Alright.

01:18:18.000 He'll get rowdy, though.

01:18:19.000 Oh, we haven't done this since you did SNL. Oh, yeah.

01:18:22.000 We did.

01:18:23.000 We don't need this.

01:18:23.000 Yeah, he and I did one.

01:18:24.000 Actually, I don't think we did.

01:18:25.000 I don't think we did.

01:18:26.000 No, that was before.

01:18:27.000 Oh.

01:18:28.000 Any nuggets behind the scenes that no one knows?

01:18:31.000 We talked.

01:18:31.000 You know, Green Room?

01:18:32.000 Green Room and podcasts spill over so much.

01:18:35.000 How nutty was it?

01:18:36.000 It was so weird. 1.00

01:18:36.000 It's such a fucking corporate thing. 1.00

01:18:38.000 You got in there finally. 0.99

01:18:39.000 I liked it. 1.00

01:18:40.000 What a completion of a fucking storyline. 0.99

01:18:42.000 Yeah, it was fun. 0.99

01:18:43.000 I know, but it seems like a fun night.

01:18:45.000 It is a fun night. 0.99

01:18:46.000 Just to do the sketches and fuck around and the party. 0.99

01:18:47.000 My family was there. 1.00

01:18:48.000 The party kind of sucks when you're the... 0.92

01:18:50.000 I've been to the party a bunch of times and it's great. 0.75

01:18:52.000 Yeah.

01:18:53.000 Sometimes.

01:18:53.000 It sucked even knowing the guy.

01:18:54.000 We're like, hey, we're gonna... 1.00

01:18:56.000 Say goodbye to another fucking person! 1.00

01:18:57.000 So we can go drink! 1.00

01:18:59.000 The whole time I just had to say hello, thank you, goodbye to every single person that was there.

01:19:04.000 It was like a wedding.

01:19:05.000 It was exactly like a wedding.

01:19:06.000 Did it feel like a rite of passage?

01:19:09.000 What did it feel like for you?

01:19:10.000 It's a cool win.

01:19:11.000 It's a cool closing on the whole story.

01:19:13.000 I think it's nice for that.

01:19:15.000 I mean, obviously it just brought the story back up again.

01:19:17.000 Yeah.

01:19:18.000 But you were defended quite a bit.

01:19:20.000 But it was also, it's like, honestly, this was like them saying sorry.

01:19:24.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:19:25.000 That's cool.

01:19:25.000 That's what it was.

01:19:26.000 Admission of guilt.

01:19:27.000 It was the closest they can come to an admission of guilt.

01:19:31.000 Yes.

01:19:31.000 Which is what it was.

01:19:32.000 We wish we hadn't had to do that.

01:19:34.000 We had to.

01:19:34.000 Here's the thing.

01:19:35.000 It's an acknowledgement of talent.

01:19:37.000 Yeah, that too.

01:19:38.000 It's like recognizing, hey, this guy might be one of the biggest comics ever, and it's happening right now, and we should probably get back on board.

01:19:45.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:19:45.000 Do it before it's too late.

01:19:46.000 Don't go 20 years.

01:19:47.000 Don't you think so? 0.99

01:19:48.000 I agree, but it's annoying with the cancel shit, because they go, he's doing great! 0.98

01:19:52.000 What are you talking about? 0.99

01:19:53.000 You're like, well, he's also a good comic who worked his way up and has a sketch show and all this other shit and sells a ton of tickets.

01:19:59.000 So they have to acknowledge it.

01:20:01.000 Yeah, but that's the thing.

01:20:02.000 Isn't that always the goal, just to become undeniable?

01:20:04.000 Sure.

01:20:05.000 Yeah, but if you were doing that well and not doing well, like, nationally, they wouldn't be like...

01:20:09.000 He still deserves an apology if he wasn't doing as well.

01:20:11.000 Exactly, exactly.

01:20:12.000 No, no, [...

01:20:26.000 It's better for everybody.

01:20:28.000 Everybody knows the truth.

01:20:29.000 But it's better for everybody if they don't say the words. 0.98

01:20:32.000 Because it also keeps them silly. 0.99

01:20:35.000 They stay silly. 0.99

01:20:36.000 What do you mean silly? 1.00

01:20:37.000 You stay silly. 1.00

01:20:38.000 You stay ridiculous. 1.00

01:20:40.000 You've made ridiculous decisions. 1.00

01:20:43.000 Oh, I see. 0.99

01:20:43.000 And you got kind of a ridiculous enterprise. 0.99

01:20:46.000 You stay ridiculous. 1.00

01:20:47.000 You stay ridiculous. 1.00

01:20:48.000 Yeah, that's what it is. 0.99

01:20:50.000 The worst starship ever.

01:20:51.000 You've got this thing.

01:20:53.000 You're trying to be the fastest runner, and you're wearing 150 pounds on your back.

01:20:58.000 And you had a fast runner, and you dropped him. 0.98

01:21:00.000 It's like stay ridiculous. 0.98

01:21:01.000 Don't apologize. 0.96

01:21:02.000 Stay on the course.

01:21:04.000 It's better for Gillian Key.

01:21:05.000 Don't sing a song around a piano.

01:21:06.000 I agree.

01:21:07.000 I just get annoyed.

01:21:08.000 I thought it was nice.

01:21:11.000 I think it's good. 0.95

01:21:12.000 If we're going to talk about all the culture shit, I think it's cool they brought me back. 0.94

01:21:17.000 And it's cool. 0.98

01:21:18.000 I said yes.

01:21:19.000 I think it's a nice moment for everybody. 1.00

01:21:22.000 You don't want to be a guy that's like, fuck everybody that said fuck me. 1.00

01:21:26.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:21:27.000 I don't want to do that.

01:21:28.000 Let's go on.

01:21:28.000 Can we just stop?

01:21:29.000 And that's what they offered the fucking olive branch. 0.99

01:21:31.000 They were the one to... 0.99

01:21:32.000 They should.

01:21:33.000 It's great.

01:21:34.000 And they should.

01:21:34.000 They did the right thing.

01:21:35.000 They did the right thing.

01:21:36.000 Because most people would just be like, that person forever that I hated once.

01:21:39.000 And you're like...

01:21:40.000 No, they did the cool thing.

01:21:42.000 Everybody there was cool.

01:21:43.000 They see where the tide is going.

01:21:45.000 It's just, you steer into the weights.

01:21:47.000 And also, they got caught up in it.

01:21:49.000 They got caught up in it.

01:21:50.000 Everybody did.

01:21:51.000 They got caught up in it, and so I don't have any problem with that. 0.99

01:21:54.000 Don't you think that shit is just less effective now? 1.00

01:21:57.000 100%. 1.00

01:21:58.000 I know.

01:21:58.000 TMZ tried to do a whole thing on him, and I read every single tweet about it, because I'm a psycho, and it was like, I'd like it even more now, bigger fan, that's hilarious, thanks for this, this was a great clip.

01:22:10.000 TMZ knew what they were doing.

01:22:11.000 There was another one too with like an Asian comic.

01:22:14.000 How do you feel about this?

01:22:16.000 TMZ didn't care at all.

01:22:16.000 It's just promotion.

01:22:17.000 They got fucking, what's his name? 0.99

01:22:18.000 They got a... 1.00

01:22:19.000 Corky.

01:22:21.000 Corky?

01:22:22.000 No.

01:22:22.000 Corky from Life Goes On?

01:22:23.000 Yeah, they interviewed him about my...

01:22:24.000 TMZ got him.

01:22:26.000 That's a...

01:22:26.000 No way.

01:22:28.000 He's not alive.

01:22:29.000 Corky was like...

01:22:30.000 That was fine, dude.

01:22:31.000 We're human.

01:22:31.000 We're allowed to be made fun of.

01:22:33.000 It was like, hell yeah, Corky.

01:22:34.000 That's going to be a sketch.

01:22:35.000 Corky from Life Goes On is still around.

01:22:37.000 I'm saying, Corky is going strong.

01:22:39.000 He's chugging along.

01:22:40.000 He's a go-getter, that kid. 0.99

01:22:42.000 Big-headed weirdo. 0.94

01:22:46.000 He had his own show. 0.99

01:22:47.000 That's right. 0.80

01:22:48.000 Corky's a beast, dude.

01:22:49.000 That show was the wildest thing.

01:22:52.000 They put a guy with Down Syndrome at the start of a show.

01:22:55.000 Oh, yeah.

01:22:55.000 Quite a noggin.

01:22:56.000 He's not a...

01:22:58.000 He's very high-functioning.

01:23:00.000 Oh, really?

01:23:01.000 Yeah, totally.

01:23:01.000 That's how powerful a role was.

01:23:02.000 He's still the reference to reference.

01:23:05.000 He's, yeah.

01:23:06.000 Of, like, Down syndrome.

01:23:07.000 I don't want to get going.

01:23:08.000 Well, Billy Elliot's in there.

01:23:10.000 Don't get going!

01:23:10.000 I don't want to get going.

01:23:11.000 Don't get going!

01:23:13.000 No, no, no.

01:23:14.000 I'm saying, I'm saying.

01:23:14.000 You're staying on the record, he's faking.

01:23:16.000 There's just a thing with whatever.

01:23:17.000 People with Down syndrome can have higher, significantly, they have regular IQs.

01:23:22.000 A lot of the time. 1.00

01:23:23.000 And huge dicks. 0.99

01:23:24.000 But you know the, you know the Louie, Mantra or whatever is like, they burn your house down, you build a couple twigs and leaves with a house, a new hut, and they go, he's got a house. 0.99

01:23:35.000 And you're like, well, I had a mansion, and now I'm living in a twig hut.

01:23:40.000 Alright, I hear you.

01:23:40.000 Yeah, they're not happy unless you're completely destroyed.

01:23:42.000 I hear you, but it's like, what do you choose to focus on?

01:23:44.000 It's great, he did SNL. I know, I know.

01:23:46.000 No, no, no, the truth, that is true, though.

01:23:49.000 That was like a thing that I was worried about, was I was like, I should say something in the monologue.

01:23:53.000 No, I'm not saying that.

01:23:55.000 No, but the idea is that because I'm hosting, they're going to go, see?

01:23:59.000 Right.

01:23:59.000 We didn't do anything wrong.

01:24:00.000 No, you did the right thing.

01:24:01.000 Right.

01:24:01.000 We didn't do anything wrong.

01:24:02.000 Look, he's doing fine.

01:24:03.000 But that was funny.

01:24:03.000 Don't look that up, please.

01:24:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:05.000 That was funny.

01:24:05.000 I was like, we've got to make it quick.

01:24:07.000 Great way to address it in a sentence.

01:24:08.000 It was perfect.

01:24:09.000 It was a perfect way to handle it.

01:24:10.000 You used to have a great joke at that New Jersey room about being like a waitress because where do I know you?

01:24:17.000 Oh, dude.

01:24:18.000 At the time because you were like the topic of conversation.

01:24:21.000 Every single time someone would be like, I'd see like, for real, it would always be like an Asian woman would come up to me and be like, you were really funny. 1.00

01:24:29.000 What was your name?

01:24:30.000 Can I look you up?

01:24:31.000 And I'd be like, please don't. 0.97

01:24:34.000 Literally, if you looked me up, the first thing would be like, hates Asians. 1.00

01:24:38.000 Damn. 1.00

01:24:39.000 The headline. 1.00

01:24:40.000 Oh, man, that's not true at all.

01:24:42.000 Yeah, I get to watch them go, oh.

01:24:46.000 You said there was a waitress. 0.80

01:24:47.000 It was like, hey, that was so funny.

01:24:48.000 Where do I know you from?

01:24:49.000 You're like, I've been here before.

01:24:50.000 She goes, no.

01:24:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:52.000 I was trying so hard.

01:24:53.000 I was like, I've been somewhere.

01:24:54.000 I think I've been here.

01:24:55.000 We probably hung out.

01:24:57.000 Well, Yang likes you.

01:24:58.000 Yang's the bro.

01:24:59.000 I love Yang.

01:25:01.000 Ron Yang?

01:25:03.000 David Taylor's old friend?

01:25:04.000 Yin Yang twins.

01:25:05.000 Whatever, we don't need to discuss this.

01:25:07.000 What else is going on?

01:25:09.000 Congratulations, it was fun.

01:25:11.000 What did you do this time?

01:25:14.000 You must be in trouble.

01:25:15.000 It's been a week.

01:25:16.000 What are you doing?

01:25:17.000 It's been 10 minutes.

01:25:18.000 I find if you stay offline.

01:25:20.000 That's the key.

01:25:21.000 If you don't see it, it doesn't exist.

01:25:22.000 Wait, do you have a new one?

01:25:23.000 I don't even know about this one.

01:25:24.000 No, I just got there.

01:25:25.000 I've just reached Not Online.

01:25:27.000 Yeah.

01:25:27.000 You're not online?

01:25:28.000 I'm not online.

01:25:29.000 Good for you.

01:25:30.000 SNL knocked me out of it.

01:25:32.000 The special, when I put out my Netflix special, I deleted, like, Twitter.

01:25:36.000 Twitter's evil.

01:25:37.000 And then I deleted Reddit, because I was reading those comments.

01:25:39.000 Reddit's really evil.

01:25:40.000 Every once in a while I'll slip back into that.

01:25:41.000 You had the app?

01:25:42.000 That's how much you...

01:25:43.000 Since SNL, I've been way off, because I know...

01:25:46.000 You don't want it.

01:25:47.000 I try to tell everybody... 0.99

01:25:48.000 A lot of people are saying I suck. 0.99

01:25:49.000 For sure. 1.00

01:25:50.000 Listen, there's going to be a bunch of people that think everything sucks.

01:25:53.000 You're dealing with giant numbers.

01:25:54.000 When you're dealing with giant numbers, each individual seems significant. 1.00

01:25:58.000 Even if they're fucking morons you'd never want to talk to. 1.00

01:26:00.000 Beethoven's Symphony has bad comments. 1.00

01:26:02.000 I bet it does.

01:26:04.000 I bet it does.

01:26:05.000 I'm telling you right now.

01:26:05.000 That's very funny.

01:26:07.000 It does.

01:26:07.000 That's really funny.

01:26:08.000 Shit was whack. 1.00

01:26:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:10.000 Boring.

01:26:11.000 Play more Drake.

01:26:12.000 You can't be focused on that.

01:26:15.000 Drake rules.

01:26:16.000 For real, Drake is better than Beethoven. 1.00

01:26:17.000 Great dick. 0.99

01:26:18.000 More hits than Beethoven. 0.99

01:26:19.000 This is why it doesn't work.

01:26:21.000 You gotta think of it in a numbers way.

01:26:23.000 So the human brain is designed to recognize threats and problems.

01:26:27.000 When everything's great, you don't think about it. 0.99

01:26:29.000 So if you have 10 positive people, Shane, you're the fucking man, that's great. 1.00

01:26:33.000 One guy goes, this guy's lame as fuck, tired of this kind of act, so fucking... 1.00

01:26:38.000 Take it easy, take it easy. 1.00

01:26:39.000 See what I'm saying?

01:26:41.000 So that one stands out. 1.00

01:26:43.000 You got nine people that think you're awesome, but one douchebag thinks you suck. 0.99

01:26:47.000 And now when you scale that up to millions and millions of people, and who's writing comments, the majority of them are disgruntled people that are unhappy with their position in life. 1.00

01:26:57.000 You think Toothpaste feels that way when they're like, who the fuck was that one dentist? 0.98

01:27:01.000 The one out of ten? 0.99

01:27:04.000 One guy won't recommend me?

01:27:07.000 After all I've done for you?

01:27:09.000 What else do I have to show you?

01:27:10.000 Also, I know what you're doing right now, and I appreciate it.

01:27:12.000 Game recognize game. 1.00

01:27:14.000 You drink one, motherfucker. 1.00

01:27:15.000 I'm drinking them. 1.00

01:27:16.000 I've been drinking them.

01:27:17.000 No, you're not.

01:27:18.000 You guys got to catch up.

01:27:19.000 I feel like the pod just got started.

01:27:21.000 The pod did just start.

01:27:22.000 And we're off.

01:27:22.000 And we got that mushroom chocolate.

01:27:24.000 It's not fucking around. 0.98

01:27:26.000 Allegedly. 0.99

01:27:27.000 Has it kicked in?

01:27:28.000 Oh, yeah.

01:27:28.000 Allegedly.

01:27:29.000 It's fun.

01:27:29.000 I can't look at the screen anymore.

01:27:31.000 It's too wavy.

01:27:36.000 Boy, imagine if they didn't make all that stuff illegal.

01:27:39.000 They didn't do the Manson thing and they just let psychedelics roam.

01:27:42.000 Marilyn?

01:27:43.000 No, the other one.

01:27:44.000 That one, too.

01:27:45.000 I mean, Charles.

01:27:46.000 But that one, too.

01:27:47.000 They whacked her, too. 1.00

01:27:48.000 They definitely whacked her, right?

01:27:50.000 Who?

01:27:50.000 Oh, I was talking about Marilyn.

01:27:51.000 Yeah, she's annoying. 1.00

01:27:52.000 She's annoying. 1.00

01:27:53.000 She's annoying. 1.00

01:27:55.000 Damn, James. 1.00

01:27:56.000 Damn! 1.00

01:27:57.000 Looks like my bed. 1.00

01:27:58.000 There's so many fucking amazing visual artists. 0.99

01:27:59.000 No, I'm saying they got rid of her. 0.99

01:28:00.000 She's bothering us.

01:28:01.000 Let's get rid of her. 1.00

01:28:02.000 Oh, that's exactly what it was.

01:28:04.000 Yeah.

01:28:04.000 She apparently was talking, and she banged both of them.

01:28:08.000 She banged both brothers. 0.98

01:28:09.000 Two candidates?

01:28:10.000 Yeah, Bobby and JFK. Do you think the second one was on recommendation from the first?

01:28:14.000 Probably get her off of his back. 1.00

01:28:16.000 Ah, you've got to fuck my brother. 1.00

01:28:17.000 If you fucked my brother. 1.00

01:28:18.000 You thought this was good. 1.00

01:28:20.000 Wait until you have Bobby's cock. 1.00

01:28:21.000 Marilyn, you're too fucking crazy for me. 1.00

01:28:24.000 I've got to run a country. 1.00

01:28:26.000 If you think, oh, I failed you.

01:28:28.000 That's not what you can do for me.

01:28:29.000 That's what you can do for my brother.

01:28:31.000 The mob and the CIA are trying to kill me. 0.99

01:28:34.000 I don't have time for your nonsense. 0.99

01:28:36.000 Why? 0.98

01:28:37.000 Some say, come on the face.

01:28:39.000 Oh, geez.

01:28:41.000 Do you think that one brother's watching her at whatever the inauguration was when she's sitting in front of the wife and the other brother just looking at his brother going...

01:28:48.000 Either way, she took a shot in the face too. 1.00

01:28:50.000 Can you imagine you're the president and you're banging everybody and everybody knows but nobody talks about it?

01:28:56.000 No one talks about it.

01:28:57.000 That was the world back then.

01:28:58.000 That was just guys being bros, dude.

01:29:00.000 Just being bros.

01:29:01.000 Everyone was being bros.

01:29:02.000 What I said earlier I think has merit to it.

01:29:05.000 Like, who do you want?

01:29:06.000 Do you want the warmonger or the pussyhound? 1.00

01:29:08.000 At least he's not fucking you over. 1.00

01:29:10.000 I don't want war. 1.00

01:29:10.000 All he's doing is fucking the chick from Barbie or whatever. 1.00

01:29:13.000 Just keep him pussy. 1.00

01:29:15.000 Jesus Christ, Marilyn. 1.00

01:29:17.000 She looks old in the face. 1.00

01:29:18.000 Shut your mouth, Ari. 0.99

01:29:20.000 What's that on the side? 1.00

01:29:21.000 She's making a face. 1.00

01:29:22.000 She's probably spitting out her gum before she sucks. 1.00

01:29:25.000 She's got a better picture. 0.99

01:29:26.000 Poor lady been through a lot. 1.00

01:29:28.000 That's a better picture.

01:29:29.000 Oh, wow.

01:29:30.000 Come on, son.

01:29:31.000 She was called hot. 1.00

01:29:32.000 Look at that 25-year-old.

01:29:34.000 Look at that normal Christian 25-year-old to the left. 1.00

01:29:37.000 Who was the playwright?

01:29:39.000 Tennessee Williams.

01:29:40.000 Yeah.

01:29:41.000 No.

01:29:42.000 Wait, what?

01:29:43.000 DiMaggio.

01:29:43.000 What did you just say?

01:29:44.000 DiMaggio, too?

01:29:46.000 DiMaggio was a playwright.

01:29:47.000 That's what I thought of.

01:29:48.000 Yeah, she married DiMaggio.

01:29:49.000 DiMaggio would put flowers on her grave.

01:29:51.000 Arthur Miller.

01:29:52.000 Arthur Miller.

01:29:53.000 Yeah, the DiMaggio one was rough.

01:29:55.000 Why?

01:29:55.000 Because he would put flowers on her grave.

01:29:57.000 He loved the babe, dude.

01:29:58.000 He loved her.

01:29:58.000 And this was like, wow.

01:29:59.000 Wasn't it like the overlap between Kennedy and DiMaggio?

01:30:02.000 Might have been a little overlap.

01:30:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:03.000 That's a good...

01:30:04.000 She was fucking killing his high level dick. 1.00

01:30:07.000 Yeah, she was killing it. 1.00

01:30:07.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:30:08.000 That guy's ugly. 0.98

01:30:08.000 Arthur Miller. 0.98

01:30:09.000 Look at this fucking... 1.00

01:30:10.000 The Jew got some. 1.00

01:30:11.000 He looks like the guy from The Wire.

01:30:12.000 He got a lot.

01:30:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:30:13.000 He didn't get a little...

01:30:14.000 Like Nolte.

01:30:14.000 Yeah, he got a lot.

01:30:15.000 Did he marry her then?

01:30:16.000 There he looks like Friedland. 1.00

01:30:18.000 Women like that, they're just a drug. 1.00

01:30:22.000 It's a drug. 1.00

01:30:23.000 It's fucking John McAfee's meth. 1.00

01:30:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:26.000 That's what it is, and you get a piece of that. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Look at this dumb fucking bitch at every fucking high-level fucking art. 1.00

01:30:31.000 A bunch of writers are meeting up, and it's like, hey Miller, you brought your dumb fucking bitch. 1.00

01:30:37.000 I hate when you're sexist. 1.00

01:30:38.000 I don't think she was dumb. 1.00

01:30:39.000 And misogynistic like this. 1.00

01:30:40.000 Oh yeah, she was a fucking high-level novelist. 1.00

01:30:42.000 She had a crazy IQ, higher IQ than Einstein's. 1.00

01:30:44.000 No way.

01:30:44.000 Give it a go.

01:30:45.000 There is literally zero shot on earth that that's actually true.

01:30:49.000 Let's bet.

01:30:50.000 I'll bet you a million dollars.

01:30:51.000 I'm sure it's on the internet.

01:30:53.000 There's no way.

01:30:54.000 I don't want a million dollars.

01:30:55.000 Slow down, SNL. How about five?

01:30:57.000 Five bucks.

01:30:58.000 Five bucks is respectable.

01:30:59.000 Twenty.

01:31:00.000 Twenty.

01:31:01.000 That's an SNL paycheck.

01:31:02.000 Whatever you got.

01:31:03.000 For the record.

01:31:05.000 Mad TV paid more.

01:31:06.000 Hold on.

01:31:09.000 Guess how much money you get paid to host SNL. How much?

01:31:12.000 $1,300.

01:31:12.000 $50,000.

01:31:13.000 $1,700.

01:31:14.000 $5,000.

01:31:16.000 Oh! 0.60

01:31:17.000 More than I thought.

01:31:19.000 Isn't that wild? 0.99

01:31:19.000 Dude, we rented 21 Jump Street's fucking dressing room afterwards. 0.99

01:31:24.000 $5,000 for a week of work. 0.99

01:31:26.000 We rented 21 Savages. 1.00

01:31:28.000 Unless they just fucked me again. 1.00

01:31:31.000 $5,000? 1.00

01:31:31.000 Wouldn't that be like a million? 1.00

01:31:34.000 $5,000.

01:31:34.000 Wait, so what does 21 get?

01:31:37.000 Musical guests?

01:31:38.000 They might get 10. Who knows?

01:31:40.000 They get more?

01:31:41.000 They don't have to do any work.

01:31:42.000 They got a little more.

01:31:43.000 21's the man, by the way. 0.99

01:31:44.000 Listen, if Siren Like bounces back, if that is what, like, the first step and then bouncing back and having more wild shit. 0.98

01:31:52.000 Who? 0.99

01:31:53.000 Big month for whites. 1.00

01:31:54.000 It went fucking guys saying gay and retard to massive, awesome tits are back. 1.00

01:32:02.000 I don't know who that is. 1.00

01:32:04.000 You don't know Sydney Sweeney?

01:32:05.000 She's Marilyn Monroe. 1.00

01:32:06.000 What?

01:32:06.000 You've seen her.

01:32:07.000 She's Marilyn Monroe. 1.00

01:32:09.000 Let me see her.

01:32:11.000 That's John McAfee's meth.

01:32:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:13.000 That's why she's at the party, Ari, you piece of shit. 1.00

01:32:16.000 Well, the 90s are coming back. 1.00

01:32:17.000 He brought meth.

01:32:18.000 Funny guys.

01:32:18.000 He's like, hey, everyone can get a gland.

01:32:20.000 He's going to bring her wherever the fuck she wants to go. 0.99

01:32:24.000 Timeless. 1.00

01:32:24.000 There she is. 1.00

01:32:25.000 Wow.

01:32:27.000 Ample bosom.

01:32:28.000 Congratulations to her genetics. 0.99

01:32:30.000 I love when you see a story like that.

01:32:31.000 She addresses those Glenn Powell rumors, and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

01:32:36.000 Well, someone wrote a monologue for Ari.

01:32:38.000 You know, she's got to talk about some things that are in the news.

01:32:41.000 You know, it's probably not really her act. 0.99

01:32:43.000 Ari's like, her act sucks. 1.00

01:32:46.000 She knows who Glenn Powell was. 0.99

01:32:48.000 The tragic truth about Marilyn Monroe's concealed and It is said that she was a star brilliant with a high IQ. There you go!

01:33:05.000 But it doesn't say it's higher than Einstein's.

01:33:07.000 Higher than Albert Einstein.

01:33:09.000 It's unproven, but it does say that it was as high as 168 and Einstein was at 160 or so.

01:33:14.000 Was he 160?

01:33:15.000 No, I know this is a urban level.

01:33:17.000 Okay, but hold on.

01:33:18.000 It says some believe.

01:33:20.000 Oh.

01:33:21.000 I believe that she was an alien.

01:33:23.000 Some believe different.

01:33:24.000 Illegal?

01:33:25.000 I don't know where the evidence is.

01:33:28.000 It's a tweet.

01:33:29.000 It has to be real.

01:33:30.000 It's verified.

01:33:31.000 Does it have community notes? 1.00

01:33:32.000 If not, shut the fuck up, Jamie. 0.99

01:33:34.000 Alright, that's a wash. 1.00

01:33:35.000 No, it's not.

01:33:36.000 You owe me five dollars.

01:33:37.000 It's made up.

01:33:39.000 I'm more proven than you.

01:33:40.000 I'm just certain that's not true.

01:33:42.000 Isn't that what community notes is for?

01:33:43.000 I can't go with that.

01:33:44.000 How come there's no community notes on that statement?

01:33:48.000 You have to, dude.

01:33:49.000 Well, can we amplify it?

01:33:50.000 Speaking of which, Ari went to the migrant meeting.

01:33:53.000 Oh yeah, I went to the meeting of the migrants in my neighborhood.

01:33:55.000 What to do with them.

01:33:56.000 What'd you do?

01:33:57.000 What'd you say? 1.00

01:33:57.000 I said, kill him. 1.00

01:33:58.000 You'd say, hey, we got some fucking tunnels. 1.00

01:34:01.000 What's the meeting like? 1.00

01:34:02.000 Is it like fucking in someone's basement? 0.99

01:34:04.000 No, it's in a community center. 1.00

01:34:05.000 Of course you went to a fucking community center, dude. 1.00

01:34:08.000 Protect our community. 1.00

01:34:09.000 On that whole line around the neighborhood of like new migrants. 0.99

01:34:12.000 They're going to piss in the bushes, so they all sound like me. 0.99

01:34:16.000 They're only going to raise money for port-a-potties or they're fucking pissing in the bushes. 1.00

01:34:18.000 Well, your park went to hell so the community's fucked. 1.00

01:34:21.000 Guess what? 1.00

01:34:22.000 Port-a-potties are gross. 0.93

01:34:23.000 They're going to keep pissing in the bushes. 0.96

01:34:24.000 No, they'll piss in them if we tell them to piss in them. 1.00

01:34:26.000 If we get them that, but they're not going to get it to them.

01:34:28.000 Yeah, but they're not going to regular port-a-potty.

01:34:30.000 They're going to want a good one that you can sit down in with a little sink in it.

01:34:34.000 They'd rather go behind.

01:34:35.000 Portable bathrooms.

01:34:36.000 These aren't homeless people. 0.99

01:34:37.000 Porta potties are just a hole with the fucking blue water in it. 1.00

01:34:40.000 That's all it is. 1.00

01:34:40.000 It's disgusting. 1.00

01:34:41.000 You ever look down that? 0.75

01:34:42.000 In London, they do it.

01:34:43.000 They set up port-a-potties.

01:34:44.000 It's all the drunks.

01:34:44.000 Instead of pissing in the park, they'll piss on the nose.

01:34:47.000 They still do it.

01:34:47.000 Do they?

01:34:48.000 Most of them.

01:34:49.000 But a few dudes pee on trees, right? 1.00

01:34:52.000 No, that's why they set them up.

01:34:52.000 They're like, hey, don't be an animal.

01:34:54.000 Fucking piss in these that we set up so we can have the trees tomorrow when you're sober. 1.00

01:34:57.000 No, I don't think your piss kills trees. 1.00

01:34:59.000 No, I don't think so.

01:35:00.000 It's natural.

01:35:01.000 It kills bushes.

01:35:01.000 No way, it does.

01:35:03.000 No way. 0.85

01:35:03.000 I'll tell you what, dogs piss... 0.85

01:35:04.000 If 200 people a night fucking piss at them... 1.00

01:35:06.000 Listen to me, dog piss kills your lawn. 1.00

01:35:09.000 Yeah, it does for sure. 0.93

01:35:10.000 Yeah, man, dogs.

01:35:11.000 Like, if you have...

01:35:12.000 What?

01:35:12.000 Girl dogs just squat and pee.

01:35:14.000 Boy dogs want to, like, mark.

01:35:15.000 So boy dogs piss on things, but girl dogs just squat. 1.00

01:35:19.000 So they leave these little dark puddles in your lawn.

01:35:22.000 Like, it kills the grass.

01:35:23.000 What?

01:35:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:25.000 Don't drink girl dog pee. 0.99

01:35:27.000 Wait a minute.

01:35:28.000 That's my advice.

01:35:28.000 Well, wouldn't the forest be ruined by, like...

01:35:32.000 Animal piss?

01:35:33.000 It's a good question.

01:35:34.000 It's a good question.

01:35:35.000 There's a lot of squirrels.

01:35:37.000 Yeah, so much vegetation.

01:35:39.000 There's a lot of stuff to piss on.

01:35:39.000 I think grass is pretty unnatural as it is.

01:35:42.000 Maybe it's just the grass.

01:35:43.000 When you're looking at a lawn.

01:35:44.000 But they're always putting the things around the trees.

01:35:46.000 Like, don't let dogs piss in so it'll kill the tree.

01:35:48.000 What's that, Jamie?

01:35:48.000 In the UK, they have urine deflectors everywhere because people pee all over the buildings.

01:35:52.000 So they set up porta-potties.

01:35:54.000 Look at the porta-potties in the parks.

01:35:55.000 Urine deflectors.

01:35:56.000 What's a deflector?

01:35:57.000 So it won't catch in a corner.

01:35:59.000 Forever.

01:36:00.000 Oh, so you can't piss on them because it'll splatter on you.

01:36:02.000 Yeah.

01:36:03.000 So just step back.

01:36:04.000 Or no, or it just won't gather in a corner.

01:36:06.000 You ever drank piss?

01:36:07.000 It's pretty wild.

01:36:08.000 So they just assume people are going to pee on that, or they're stopping people from peeing on it?

01:36:11.000 No, they can't get underneath it to piss up. 0.99

01:36:13.000 So they're going to pee, so let it drip away from the fucking crevices. 0.99

01:36:17.000 Should have put that on the R. Kelly chicks. 1.00

01:36:19.000 How weird.

01:36:20.000 Remember when we were talking about there was just pee and poop everywhere in the 1700s?

01:36:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:25.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

01:36:25.000 People just shitting everywhere. 0.98

01:36:26.000 People just shit everywhere. 1.00

01:36:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:28.000 Pre-plumbing. 1.00

01:36:29.000 They said they're having a problem with some people that come from other places to new cities where they just still decide to shit on the ground. 0.99

01:36:35.000 Because they don't know the difference. 0.99

01:36:37.000 They don't know the thing.

01:36:37.000 They've been doing it their whole life.

01:36:39.000 Like, I don't care. 1.00

01:36:39.000 I'm just going to shit. 1.00

01:36:40.000 I have to shit. 1.00

01:36:41.000 I'm not going to go to some little closet that smells awful when I get to shit right here. 1.00

01:36:45.000 I see human shit in New York all the time. 1.00

01:36:47.000 All the time. 1.00

01:36:48.000 You can tell.

01:36:49.000 It's unsettling. 1.00

01:36:49.000 Because you're like, damn it, that's a fucking person one. 1.00

01:36:52.000 I know. 1.00

01:36:53.000 Old school public urinal.

01:36:54.000 Whoa.

01:36:56.000 It's kind of pretty.

01:36:57.000 It looks like you're praying to the Lord of Piss.

01:36:59.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:37:01.000 They just go in there and piss on a wall.

01:37:03.000 It's so well made.

01:37:05.000 Isn't that incredible?

01:37:06.000 Look at the artwork involved.

01:37:07.000 I know.

01:37:08.000 What craftsmen we had back then.

01:37:10.000 Dude, I would love those right now.

01:37:12.000 You're out in New York, it's just a place that's three quarters enclosed to go in and piss on a wall.

01:37:16.000 Look how beautiful that looks. 0.70

01:37:18.000 Beautiful.

01:37:19.000 It's a vintage public urinal in Paris.

01:37:23.000 Amazing.

01:37:24.000 Wow.

01:37:24.000 Look how beautiful these public urinals used to be.

01:37:28.000 Pissoir.

01:37:29.000 Pissoir.

01:37:30.000 Look at the other ones, though.

01:37:31.000 Show Shane the other ones that you showed, the New York City one.

01:37:34.000 Oh, look at that one right there. 0.97

01:37:35.000 Really cool.

01:37:35.000 Look at that one.

01:37:36.000 That's in Paris.

01:37:37.000 That's insane.

01:37:38.000 But show the whole thing so you can see the top. 1.00

01:37:40.000 Look how beautiful that fucking thing is. 0.99

01:37:42.000 It's like a subway entrance. 1.00

01:37:44.000 But isn't that amazing?

01:37:45.000 Like the craftsmanship they have?

01:37:47.000 For that.

01:37:47.000 Standard.

01:37:48.000 Some guy got hired.

01:37:49.000 Big bucks to do that.

01:37:50.000 And they had little ads on the side.

01:37:52.000 What was that ad for?

01:37:53.000 Is that like a price, though?

01:37:55.000 15 minutes?

01:37:57.000 I'm sure you can get blown in there as well.

01:37:58.000 Is that what it says?

01:37:59.000 What does MTS say?

01:38:01.000 15 minutes?

01:38:03.000 Bonjour, you must pay.

01:38:05.000 Digestive depository is what this is.

01:38:07.000 Oh, interesting.

01:38:08.000 Is that below it?

01:38:10.000 Is that a price?

01:38:12.000 Do you have to pay to use it?

01:38:14.000 Because that would be nice.

01:38:15.000 Probably do.

01:38:17.000 What does A15 mean?

01:38:20.000 Close the door because the dogs really want to get in here. 0.66

01:38:25.000 So you get 15 minutes?

01:38:29.000 1875. All the New York subway bathrooms had to be locked up.

01:38:33.000 They still have that, though, now.

01:38:34.000 Those, like, public bathrooms.

01:38:36.000 But don't they have, like, the National Guard and the subway now or something?

01:38:39.000 Yeah, it's bad.

01:38:40.000 The lady got stabbed. 0.70

01:38:41.000 There was a shooting.

01:38:42.000 Good times.

01:38:44.000 Bro.

01:38:44.000 What is New York City doing?

01:38:47.000 I don't know.

01:38:48.000 It's getting wacky.

01:38:49.000 That whole letting everybody in thing is just crazy.

01:38:53.000 I think that might have been 15 minutes.

01:38:56.000 People started using them as places to talk for private conversation.

01:39:00.000 Without the Nazis finding out. 0.84

01:39:02.000 Without the Nazis finding out. 1.00

01:39:04.000 Come on in here while I take a shit. 1.00

01:39:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:39:05.000 I'm going to tell you that we're planning the rebellion. 0.99

01:39:07.000 Unisex.

01:39:08.000 Enclosed automatically self-cleaning unit.

01:39:10.000 Oh, 1980. Yeah, in 1980 they were replaced systematically.

01:39:14.000 1980. I had a good run.

01:39:17.000 100 years, 105. Dude, it seems like the 80s are so recent, but if you had to go back and live back then, like, you would...

01:39:25.000 When I grew up, you were in a different world.

01:39:28.000 You left the house, you were gone.

01:39:30.000 No one knew where you were.

01:39:32.000 There was two pictures of you.

01:39:33.000 One when you were like...

01:39:34.000 One when you were 10. This fucking... 1.00

01:39:37.000 No one has real evidence that you were ever alive. 1.00

01:39:39.000 You just...

01:39:40.000 You just...

01:39:41.000 People would vanish.

01:39:42.000 I think about that a lot when I'm laying in bed.

01:39:44.000 I think about my parents in the 80s and the 90s.

01:39:47.000 You just go out to dinner, you go to a friend's house, you skateboard all day, you bike ride.

01:39:51.000 You don't know where anybody is.

01:39:53.000 It was nice.

01:39:54.000 It's way better.

01:39:55.000 You need to think about it.

01:39:56.000 When I grew up, people would open the window and yell for their kids.

01:39:59.000 Yes!

01:40:00.000 They would yell, Bobby!

01:40:03.000 Get home!

01:40:05.000 Bobby!

01:40:06.000 That's great.

01:40:08.000 This is wild.

01:40:08.000 But now people would tweet and go, this mom is a little aggressive, she's a little controlling.

01:40:13.000 Oh yeah, the Homeowners Association.

01:40:15.000 Exactly.

01:40:16.000 They all gather and kick that people...

01:40:17.000 When I was a kid, I lived in San Francisco, and then we moved to Florida, and then we moved to Boston.

01:40:23.000 We moved to a place called Jamaica Plain.

01:40:25.000 And Jamaica Plain was rough back then.

01:40:28.000 We didn't have any money.

01:40:29.000 And our next-door neighbors were in a punk band. 0.97

01:40:32.000 And the fucking entire basement, they converted to a session place. 0.96

01:40:38.000 And so they had carpet, like seven, eight layers of carpet. 0.99

01:40:41.000 That was their own sound deadening.

01:40:43.000 And it was so loud.

01:40:45.000 Didn't we look them up once?

01:40:49.000 It was Alice in Chains?

01:40:50.000 Death in the Shopping Mall.

01:40:52.000 Oh, okay.

01:40:53.000 I remember the song, My Baby is a Mutant.

01:40:58.000 Oh, you know the music?

01:40:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:00.000 I heard them sing it 150 times.

01:41:04.000 Wow!

01:41:05.000 Were they any good?

01:41:06.000 They're pretty good, if you're into that kind of music.

01:41:08.000 And I would go down, they'd let me watch them perform.

01:41:11.000 Watch them rehearse.

01:41:12.000 I was like, eight. 1.00

01:41:13.000 Damn. 0.99

01:41:14.000 It was pretty cool. 0.99

01:41:15.000 No, I guess I wasn't eight.

01:41:16.000 No, I was 13. Because that was Boston.

01:41:18.000 Yeah, I was thinking San Francisco.

01:41:20.000 But that was Boston.

01:41:21.000 And so these people were, like, they recorded this.

01:41:24.000 There's a video, I think, that's available on YouTube, or at least the song's available on YouTube.

01:41:29.000 It's a different time.

01:41:30.000 We built this mini ramp in my backyard, and every kid in the neighborhood would use it.

01:41:35.000 There it is.

01:41:36.000 These are these guys.

01:41:37.000 Oh, look at that.

01:41:38.000 What's that, Jamie?

01:41:39.000 Not the song you asked for, but I found the...

01:41:41.000 Oh, they're working!

01:41:42.000 Oh, it's another one.

01:41:43.000 Man on a Tightrope.

01:41:44.000 They're still going?

01:41:44.000 They got 2,000 views.

01:41:48.000 That's probably all.

01:41:50.000 You can't play it.

01:41:51.000 We're gonna get copyrighted by then.

01:41:53.000 That's what you're allowed to?

01:41:54.000 You can check for one second.

01:41:55.000 Did you ever go over and knock on the door and go, hey, quiet down a little bit?

01:41:58.000 No.

01:41:59.000 Nobody did that back then.

01:42:01.000 It was just a weird time, if you consider how people grow up today.

01:42:06.000 If you grow up today, you're growing up in the weirdest time. 0.99

01:42:09.000 I know, it's fucked. 0.99

01:42:10.000 Ever. 1.00

01:42:10.000 It's kind of fucked. 1.00

01:42:12.000 Ever. 0.99

01:42:12.000 But it's like every civilization has had to deal with that. 0.99

01:42:15.000 When they invented the printing press, when they invented cars, when they invented airplanes, every generation has had to deal with some new weirdness.

01:42:24.000 Oh. 0.98

01:42:25.000 I told you to get the fucking Eagle beer ball. 0.99

01:42:29.000 It might be early. 1.00

01:42:31.000 I gotta pee.

01:42:32.000 It's behind the microwave.

01:42:34.000 I saw it and I was like, no. 0.96

01:42:36.000 And then I got in here and I was like, damn, I should've got it. 0.93

01:42:38.000 We're only an hour in. 0.99

01:42:39.000 We can't play the America Fuck Yeah song. 0.98

01:42:41.000 Why? 0.95

01:42:43.000 Because we'll get copyrighted.

01:42:44.000 I'm sure there's a copy on the internet.

01:42:47.000 Can't you reach out to those guys?

01:42:49.000 It doesn't have a...

01:42:50.000 Are we allowed to sing it as a group?

01:42:53.000 I think we can sing it.

01:42:55.000 America...

01:42:56.000 We gotta get it.

01:42:57.000 We'll say hell yeah!

01:43:03.000 Can we get in trouble for that?

01:43:13.000 Jamie, can we get in trouble for that?

01:43:14.000 I don't know.

01:43:16.000 Jamie.

01:43:16.000 I don't know, I'm not a lawyer.

01:43:18.000 I'm not a lawyer.

01:43:20.000 No, we'll have to sing it.

01:43:24.000 Doesn't Kid Rock own all his music?

01:43:26.000 I don't know, we should call him.

01:43:28.000 If we asked him if we could use American Badass.

01:43:32.000 Mmm. 0.98

01:43:33.000 That's just as ridiculous and awesome. 0.68

01:43:35.000 Wait, so we're not allowed to have fun and use music anymore?

01:43:37.000 What'd you guys sign?

01:43:38.000 I know, right?

01:43:39.000 It's just being on YouTube again. 0.99

01:43:43.000 Damn. 0.99

01:43:44.000 Let's go back to 4chan. 0.99

01:43:46.000 Why can't we play Spotify music?

01:43:48.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:43:49.000 Because it goes on YouTube.

01:43:51.000 Because there's like a different...

01:43:52.000 We're also the YouTube users.

01:43:53.000 Just bleep it out for them.

01:43:55.000 No, you can't do that.

01:43:57.000 You probably could.

01:43:58.000 Yeah, you probably could way easily.

01:44:00.000 Who needs a radio when I can sing?

01:44:02.000 Mock!

01:44:04.000 I think that's a copyright.

01:44:13.000 That's alright.

01:44:14.000 We can come up with our own stuff.

01:44:15.000 I guess that's what we're supposed to do.

01:44:16.000 Yeah, we can come up with our own songs.

01:44:17.000 Ur got a piss. 0.71

01:44:19.000 There you go.

01:44:20.000 Ur got a callback.

01:44:21.000 That's big.

01:44:21.000 Ur got a callback!

01:44:24.000 Did he dive?

01:44:26.000 Did he actually fall?

01:44:28.000 What if he unhooked us?

01:44:31.000 What if he disconnected us?

01:44:33.000 Mark? 1.00

01:44:35.000 What the fuck, Mark? 0.99

01:44:37.000 So what's going on with you guys now that Mark's gone? 1.00

01:44:40.000 I'm tired of all his quips. 0.99

01:44:42.000 He needs to get more fucked up. 1.00

01:44:45.000 He has no quips. 1.00

01:44:47.000 He's always ready.

01:44:48.000 We're trying to build a quilt.

01:44:49.000 It just hasn't presented itself.

01:44:51.000 Don't force the genius. 1.00

01:44:54.000 He left the door open to goddamn dogs, dude. 1.00

01:44:56.000 That's Carl and Bandit. 1.00

01:44:57.000 He left the doors open.

01:45:00.000 Bye, man.

01:45:01.000 Mark.

01:45:02.000 Hi, Bandit.

01:45:04.000 Bandit's trying to sneak into his dad. 1.00

01:45:05.000 Dude, you get outside that door and there's fucking two dogs. 1.00

01:45:07.000 Oh, Bandit came into her daddy. 1.00

01:45:09.000 The dogs are in.

01:45:11.000 He wanted to hold Carl so badly.

01:45:13.000 But will Bandit fuck things up?

01:45:15.000 She's cool?

01:45:16.000 Hey, Bandit.

01:45:19.000 She's not relaxed.

01:45:20.000 I've seen her chew cords. 1.00

01:45:21.000 Shut up, dude. 1.00

01:45:22.000 She's not. 1.00

01:45:23.000 He's trying to cause trouble.

01:45:25.000 Never once ever.

01:45:26.000 Has she been around cords?

01:45:27.000 What?

01:45:29.000 She's been here, but only for a brief period of time.

01:45:32.000 This is good dog. 0.99

01:45:33.000 She was a suck. 1.00

01:45:34.000 This is a good dog. 1.00

01:45:35.000 She wants her daddy. 1.00

01:45:36.000 She does.

01:45:38.000 Yeah.

01:45:39.000 We got a little tongue action.

01:45:40.000 We got a little hot tongue action.

01:45:41.000 Don't kiss the dog.

01:45:42.000 When Ari was inside before, she was sitting outside the door, just sitting, staring up at the door, knowing that he was in that room.

01:45:49.000 It is a cute dog, but it is autistic.

01:45:52.000 Yeah.

01:45:53.000 Why do I say that?

01:45:53.000 She's going for Bud Lights.

01:45:54.000 It's just one of those dogs.

01:45:56.000 It's not a dog.

01:45:57.000 It's more of a cat.

01:45:59.000 Just like staring.

01:46:00.000 It's not like a fun, it's a quiet, weird, you know what I mean?

01:46:02.000 It's a skittish dog. 0.63

01:46:04.000 She's not skittish, she's a lap dog. 0.99

01:46:05.000 She doesn't seem skittish at all.

01:46:06.000 That's literally every dog doesn't like fireworks.

01:46:08.000 My dog doesn't like fireworks.

01:46:09.000 No, but look at her.

01:46:09.000 It's quiet, just walks around.

01:46:11.000 It's weird, dude.

01:46:11.000 It's a very serious dog.

01:46:12.000 She is serious.

01:46:13.000 She's sad girl.

01:46:13.000 Where are you going with this?

01:46:14.000 It's a solemn dog.

01:46:15.000 She's sad girl.

01:46:15.000 If you're trying to insult her, it won't work.

01:46:17.000 She is awesome.

01:46:17.000 I'm not insulting her.

01:46:18.000 I'm just saying that you guys know these types of dogs.

01:46:21.000 You've seen these types of dogs.

01:46:24.000 Sell them.

01:46:25.000 Sell them.

01:46:26.000 Sell them.

01:46:28.000 You let the fucking doors open. 1.00

01:46:30.000 Oh, the dogs get in? 1.00

01:46:32.000 Somehow. 1.00

01:46:35.000 God damn it, Mark. 0.99

01:46:36.000 Anybody want cigars? 0.99

01:46:38.000 Cigars!

01:46:39.000 Cigars!

01:46:39.000 I'm okay, thank you.

01:46:40.000 It's a whole new foundation delivery.

01:46:42.000 Hell yeah.

01:46:43.000 Get some freshies.

01:46:44.000 They're both dogs in here or just one?

01:46:46.000 Both of them.

01:46:47.000 I know. 0.99

01:46:48.000 Are these gay dogs here? 1.00

01:46:49.000 I know, right? 1.00

01:46:51.000 Trying to have a good time with your gay dog. 1.00

01:46:53.000 Ruining everything. 1.00

01:46:54.000 Why do you have a bandana on this dog?

01:46:56.000 Is it blood? 1.00

01:46:57.000 Yo, shit, guys. 1.00

01:46:58.000 Because he's in the West, bro. 1.00

01:46:59.000 He's in Texas.

01:47:00.000 He's in Texas. 1.00

01:47:01.000 Obviously, he's got a fucking bandana on. 1.00

01:47:05.000 It went green last week. 1.00

01:47:09.000 Why did it have green on?

01:47:10.000 For the environment?

01:47:11.000 Because of your people.

01:47:13.000 Oh, nice!

01:47:14.000 The Irish!

01:47:16.000 By the way, free Palestine.

01:47:20.000 Try it.

01:47:21.000 They love Palestine, those mix.

01:47:23.000 They really do.

01:47:24.000 Well, everybody loves the underdog, and when you were the underdog forever...

01:47:29.000 They've been through it.

01:47:30.000 Yeah, the N-words of Europe. 0.96

01:47:32.000 I mean, literally, it's very similar. 0.98

01:47:34.000 Bro, when I went to Northern Ireland and I saw the fucking cars, the police cars that are to this day armored with big steel plates all around them because of the IRA bombs. 0.97

01:47:42.000 Oh, you found it. 0.99

01:47:43.000 We need headphones.

01:47:44.000 Otherwise, we're going to talk over each other.

01:47:45.000 It's going to be very annoying.

01:47:46.000 You have to have headphones, Ari.

01:47:48.000 You particularly.

01:47:49.000 And everyone?

01:47:50.000 And literally everyone else?

01:47:51.000 No, I was doing worse.

01:47:51.000 Ari just has disjointed, off-hand conversations.

01:47:56.000 The thing is, when you're listening, it's so hard.

01:47:59.000 I know we're having a good time, but...

01:48:00.000 I'm telling you, it was worse earlier.

01:48:02.000 Yeah, it was bad at one point in time.

01:48:03.000 The first hour was rough.

01:48:04.000 I never take the headphones off.

01:48:05.000 I was like, well...

01:48:06.000 We'll find our groove. 1.00

01:48:08.000 Ah, damn. 1.00

01:48:09.000 I took him off. 0.99

01:48:10.000 I had him on in the beginning, and it made me feel bad because we were talking over each other.

01:48:14.000 With him on?

01:48:15.000 On.

01:48:15.000 Everybody had him on.

01:48:16.000 We all had him on.

01:48:17.000 It's because of you, Ari. 1.00

01:48:18.000 Shut up. 0.99

01:48:19.000 No, really no one had him on. 1.00

01:48:20.000 No, we all did, and then you ruined it.

01:48:25.000 Is this supposed to look like you?

01:48:27.000 Ari, you're a destroyer of worlds. 1.00

01:48:30.000 Yeah, you fucking hebe. 1.00

01:48:35.000 Alright, going back in. 1.00

01:48:37.000 Ari, you're next for Saturday Night Live.

01:48:40.000 Dude, I went there a couple years ago and Che was giving me a tour.

01:48:44.000 It was pretty cool.

01:48:45.000 Were you allowed on the premises?

01:48:46.000 And he goes, if you go in the back way, I was like, can I go back there and see what's there?

01:48:49.000 He was like, yeah, there's nothing there.

01:48:51.000 And I'm like, can I walk through the doors?

01:48:52.000 He goes, yeah, but there's a superstition that if you walk through before you're actually hosting, you'll never host.

01:48:58.000 And I just looked at him for like five seconds and I was like, oh yeah, I'm going back there.

01:49:01.000 What are we talking about?

01:49:05.000 Superstitions are hilarious.

01:49:06.000 Especially when it comes to that.

01:49:08.000 Like, oh no, you're going to take away my five grand?

01:49:12.000 I could not believe.

01:49:14.000 They were like, alright, you gotta sign these contracts.

01:49:15.000 And I was like, alright, and then we'll pay you.

01:49:18.000 And I was like, how much is it?

01:49:19.000 Like, it's five grand, you get five grand.

01:49:21.000 I'm not signing it.

01:49:23.000 I didn't.

01:49:25.000 But your agent gets 10%, your manager gets 10%.

01:49:28.000 Yeah, I get $150.

01:49:30.000 For a week of work.

01:49:31.000 I know, that's hard work.

01:49:33.000 The most stress.

01:49:34.000 It'd be fun if I didn't have it.

01:49:36.000 I could see it on you. 0.97

01:49:37.000 I was fucking stressed out. 0.97

01:49:38.000 Yeah, you had both sides on your shoulder. 0.97

01:49:40.000 Yeah, but you know what, dude?

01:49:41.000 You went through it, and you went through it bigger than ever.

01:49:44.000 It's like, that's the beautiful thing about it.

01:49:46.000 You go through it bigger than ever.

01:49:47.000 And it worked out.

01:49:48.000 It worked out, it's great, and it shows that you're awesome at sketches, and it turns people to Gillian Keyes, which is, I think, the best sketch show on the internet.

01:49:56.000 Thanks. 0.67

01:49:56.000 Fucking awesome. 0.67

01:49:57.000 And it was, uh... 0.99

01:49:58.000 Brother fucking OnlyFans Dad is one of the best fucking sketches I have ever seen. 0.99

01:50:04.000 You got a gang of them, man. 1.00

01:50:06.000 The Trump speed dating. 1.00

01:50:07.000 It's fucking genius shit, dude. 1.00

01:50:09.000 That's all, yeah. 1.00

01:50:10.000 You got some genius shit. 1.00

01:50:13.000 And that's the best part, is that it sends people towards the real shit. 0.99

01:50:18.000 Independent comedy sketches that are done by the people that are actually funny. 0.99

01:50:22.000 There's no one fucking with them.

01:50:24.000 There's no network notes. 0.99

01:50:25.000 There's no executives. 0.99

01:50:26.000 There's no watering up the fucking chili. 0.99

01:50:29.000 It's just Yeah. 1.00

01:50:32.000 Speaker, don't fuck with that, dude. 1.00

01:50:34.000 I already had it last time. 1.00

01:50:36.000 Don't fuck with the Carolina Reaper, wicked cuts, beef jerky. 1.00

01:50:39.000 That was a bad night. 1.00

01:50:40.000 Mark, bong one of those.

01:50:41.000 Huh?

01:50:42.000 Bong one. 0.96

01:50:42.000 Bong one, dude, for the troops. 0.96

01:50:43.000 Well, I'd take a mushroom.

01:50:45.000 Think about it. 0.99

01:50:45.000 You had a fucking block earlier. 0.99

01:50:47.000 You're fine. 1.00

01:50:47.000 It's time for America. 1.00

01:50:49.000 It's time for America.

01:50:50.000 Don't count mine.

01:50:50.000 It's time to take America back, Mark.

01:50:53.000 That's the joke.

01:50:54.000 Mark, we gotta take America back.

01:50:56.000 Come on, man.

01:50:57.000 Do it for the troops.

01:50:58.000 Hold on.

01:50:58.000 We've had one drink.

01:51:00.000 One drink in four days.

01:51:01.000 Just for the troops. 1.00

01:51:02.000 You had two fucking little tiny whiskeys. 1.00

01:51:04.000 This is the fifth. 1.00

01:51:06.000 That's the one without the giant ice cube.

01:51:07.000 You're gonna be drunk on that. 0.99

01:51:08.000 When comics were eating dick, they would go. 0.98

01:51:10.000 How about a round of applause for the troops, everybody? 0.99

01:51:12.000 Yeah, it was an easy way out.

01:51:13.000 It was an easy way out, though.

01:51:16.000 Any round of applause for the ladies?

01:51:17.000 Yeah.

01:51:18.000 Who's having a birthday?

01:51:20.000 First date, last date.

01:51:21.000 How about a round of applause for the ladies? 1.00

01:51:23.000 Can you imagine bombing and someone's like, who's having a birthday?

01:51:26.000 And the audience would be like, no, you're not including me.

01:51:29.000 Right.

01:51:29.000 No.

01:51:30.000 I wouldn't cheer for that.

01:51:31.000 That's you, Ari.

01:51:32.000 But most unreasonable people would be like, me!

01:51:36.000 It's mine!

01:51:37.000 My birthday!

01:51:39.000 I'm a 45 year old white woman.

01:51:40.000 It's her birthday.

01:51:42.000 Especially if you don't have special days.

01:51:43.000 That's the only special day.

01:51:46.000 Well that and a bachelorette. 0.99

01:51:47.000 Most days suck. 0.97

01:51:48.000 Except for 90 Day Fiancé. 0.97

01:51:50.000 When that's on it's awesome.

01:51:54.000 My lady watches that.

01:51:56.000 That is a wild show.

01:51:58.000 That's the one lady show I can sit down and watch. 1.00

01:52:01.000 You want to talk about the threats to marriage.

01:52:04.000 This is like the argument against gay marriage.

01:52:08.000 It's bad for the institution.

01:52:10.000 What is it?

01:52:11.000 The institution of marriage.

01:52:12.000 What about this? 1.00

01:52:13.000 What about a fucking reality show? 1.00

01:52:15.000 A reality show! 1.00

01:52:17.000 We decided to get married after 90 days.

01:52:19.000 That's actually a day for 90 days and then you gotta get married.

01:52:22.000 You gotta pick one of these hoes? 1.00

01:52:24.000 And that's not even close.

01:52:25.000 There's other ones like The Bachelor or Love is Blonde.

01:52:28.000 They don't even talk to each other and then they get engaged.

01:52:30.000 I know. 0.97

01:52:32.000 That's way worse than gay marriage. 1.00

01:52:35.000 And you don't know what they even look like until you meet them.

01:52:38.000 You don't know anything. 0.99

01:52:41.000 They're going to hell. 0.98

01:52:42.000 But...

01:52:44.000 99 makes America look great because they're willing to leave this country to go live in Pensacola in a condo.

01:52:54.000 It's great for China. 0.95

01:52:55.000 It's great for China. 1.00

01:52:56.000 China's like, look at these idiots. 1.00

01:52:58.000 Not learning math. 1.00

01:52:59.000 Look what we're doing. 0.99

01:53:00.000 Over in China, every day, it's like fucking the ninja show. 0.99

01:53:04.000 What's that ninja show? 1.00

01:53:05.000 The ninja show.

01:53:08.000 American ninja?

01:53:09.000 That's the rules.

01:53:10.000 American ninja was a great show.

01:53:11.000 So they're all competing against each other. 0.99

01:53:13.000 There's all fucking chest puffing and they're getting rid of all femininity on television. 1.00

01:53:18.000 I bet China's TV is just ours 10, 15 years ago. 1.00

01:53:22.000 I bet China's TV is ours if we had fucking control of this fucking thing. 1.00

01:53:26.000 Well, they don't let them watch our TikTok. 1.00

01:53:29.000 You want state-controlled television?

01:53:31.000 State-controlled, that's what I'm saying.

01:53:33.000 But real men.

01:53:34.000 America needs state-controlled television.

01:53:35.000 But real men.

01:53:36.000 Real men.

01:53:37.000 Real men.

01:53:37.000 Well, their TikTok is engineering videos.

01:53:40.000 Just like, enough nonsense.

01:53:41.000 Daddy's home.

01:53:41.000 Yeah.

01:53:42.000 We need just Tom Hardy kissing.

01:53:44.000 Isn't it funny that everybody really kind of wants the big daddy in the sky to take care of everything?

01:53:51.000 That was a plot of, uh, Marvel.

01:53:54.000 Yeah, Thor, Thor's brother was like, you want to be led.

01:54:00.000 You want to be led.

01:54:00.000 Everybody's the big daddy in the sky.

01:54:02.000 Who's got the clippy?

01:54:03.000 You got the four skin?

01:54:05.000 Thank you.

01:54:06.000 Oh, you're good. 0.99

01:54:07.000 Oh my god, I lit my fucking face. 1.00

01:54:09.000 Carl! 1.00

01:54:10.000 Carl doesn't like ice?

01:54:13.000 Carl, don't get banged, dude.

01:54:15.000 He doesn't like noise. 0.99

01:54:15.000 He doesn't like Jews. 0.99

01:54:18.000 Carl's definitely free Palestine. 0.92

01:54:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:21.000 You think so?

01:54:21.000 Carl's definitely up the raw.

01:54:24.000 Carl looks grumpy.

01:54:25.000 Carl looks like he reads a newspaper at noon in a pub.

01:54:28.000 I think Carl is up the raw.

01:54:28.000 He's looking at you.

01:54:29.000 He's pissy.

01:54:30.000 I think Carl does now have strong convictions and he could be persuaded in either direction.

01:54:34.000 Yeah.

01:54:35.000 His eyes are about to pop out of his head.

01:54:37.000 Carl could convert.

01:54:38.000 If the Jews win this one, Carl could convert. 0.99

01:54:40.000 He's willing to go where the money is.

01:54:41.000 If...

01:54:43.000 Boy, if you want to convert to the Jews, they make it hard. 1.00

01:54:46.000 You guys make it probably the hardest.

01:54:48.000 I know, that test is crazy!

01:54:50.000 There's a lot in the Delta Club, dude.

01:54:52.000 There's a lot going on.

01:54:53.000 You want to be sure you're ready.

01:54:54.000 They don't make you take a tattoo at least.

01:54:55.000 How did Sammy Davis pass?

01:54:57.000 That's such a wild flex for a woman to force you to convert. 1.00

01:55:01.000 To get tattooed?

01:55:02.000 It's a wild flex.

01:55:03.000 Well, the foreskin looks better when it's gone.

01:55:06.000 That's a wild one.

01:55:07.000 What? 0.96

01:55:08.000 You gotta have a circumcision. 1.00

01:55:09.000 You can make a chick convert. 1.00

01:55:10.000 At 37. Who cares, don't say it, whatever. 1.00

01:55:13.000 Chop your forehead skin off and risk infection and death and the loss of your dick. 1.00

01:55:19.000 At 37. That's so good. 1.00

01:55:22.000 Yeah, well, my friend got circumcised at 33 and he's happy. 0.99

01:55:25.000 By the way, tip for everybody, you can just lie to the in-laws and tell them you did it.

01:55:29.000 What you just said is the ultimate anecdotal experience. 1.00

01:55:36.000 My friend got his dick mutilated and he loves it! 1.00

01:55:40.000 He kept getting infected. 1.00

01:55:41.000 There's a lot of shmegma. 1.00

01:55:43.000 Tell your friend to clean his dick. 1.00

01:55:46.000 What kind of dirty motherfucker is constantly getting dick infections. 1.00

01:55:51.000 He's Indian? 1.00

01:55:52.000 Yeah.

01:55:53.000 Indian fella.

01:55:54.000 What are you blaming that on?

01:55:57.000 Well, I'm just saying, it's a lot of curry. 1.00

01:55:59.000 But curry coming out of your dick? 1.00

01:56:01.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:56:02.000 It's gross. 0.85

01:56:03.000 Are you eating like an elephant? 0.95

01:56:07.000 Tossing it into your mouth. 1.00

01:56:10.000 Tossing fucking curry chicken into your mouth with your dick? 1.00

01:56:14.000 Slumdog. 1.00

01:56:14.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:56:20.000 Just saying. 0.98

01:56:20.000 It gets in there. 0.98

01:56:21.000 They're bacteria.

01:56:22.000 Yeah.

01:56:23.000 Yes.

01:56:24.000 Who's on circumcised here? 0.81

01:56:24.000 Anybody? 0.81

01:56:25.000 No way.

01:56:26.000 J-Mo. 0.90

01:56:26.000 J-Mo, definitely. 0.90

01:56:27.000 He's got a man-eater.

01:56:29.000 Carl's on circumcised.

01:56:30.000 Carl.

01:56:30.000 You haven't circumcised Carl yet?

01:56:31.000 Decent red rock.

01:56:32.000 Yeah, he's French.

01:56:33.000 He better circumcise.

01:56:34.000 I'll talk to a guy.

01:56:37.000 I think we might have talked about it before. 1.00

01:56:38.000 You guys ever see a dog's dick? 1.00

01:56:39.000 Yeah, I've seen a dog's dick every day of the week. 1.00

01:56:42.000 No, no, I'm talking about... 1.00

01:56:43.000 My dog in the morning.

01:56:46.000 No, no, I'm not talking about Red Rocket. 1.00

01:56:47.000 Every time I see him, his dick comes off. 1.00

01:56:48.000 I'm talking about actual boning. 1.00

01:56:49.000 The bone.

01:56:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:50.000 The real boning.

01:56:51.000 I've seen it.

01:56:51.000 It's weird.

01:56:52.000 It's fucking nuts, dude. 0.99

01:56:53.000 It's a weird-looking organ. 1.00

01:56:54.000 At the old studio, we had a walrus one, a petrified walrus one.

01:56:58.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:56:58.000 It was, like, giant. 0.71

01:56:59.000 How old was that fucking thing? 1.00

01:57:00.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:57:01.000 Where is it?

01:57:02.000 Where's that walrus?

01:57:03.000 I am the walrus.

01:57:05.000 Cuckoo-ca-choo. 0.55

01:57:06.000 You ever see him get hooked up?

01:57:07.000 Baculum!

01:57:07.000 That's right, it's called a baculum.

01:57:09.000 It's a bone.

01:57:10.000 Steve Brunellis.

01:57:11.000 You ever see him get hooked up?

01:57:13.000 Two dogs?

01:57:14.000 He's back, dude.

01:57:15.000 I told you.

01:57:17.000 He's sober earlier.

01:57:18.000 Now he's going.

01:57:19.000 Now he's going.

01:57:21.000 What show is that guy on?

01:57:22.000 Quantum Leap.

01:57:23.000 That's right!

01:57:24.000 Good show.

01:57:25.000 That's right. 1.00

01:57:26.000 Time travel show in the fucking... 0.99

01:57:28.000 What was that, the early 2000s? 0.99

01:57:30.000 No.

01:57:31.000 Early 90s.

01:57:32.000 Early 90s?

01:57:33.000 Early 90s.

01:57:33.000 Wait, is Quantum Leap the...

01:57:34.000 Mid...

01:57:36.000 There's one where he hops into a Down Syndrome guy.

01:57:39.000 He opens his bedroom door and the mirror shows a Down Syndrome guy and he's like, I'm retarded?

01:57:47.000 That's him!

01:57:49.000 Do it from the beginning. 0.94

01:57:52.000 He goes, I'm retarded?

01:57:57.000 That's the language they used on dramas on TV back then.

01:58:01.000 Beatles.

01:58:09.000 By the way, every female comic is like, you know what it's like getting attacked by the way you look? 1.00

01:58:20.000 I'm like, have you seen Gillis' page?

01:58:22.000 It's just nothing but Tardville all day long.

01:58:26.000 I love hearing that when it's like, you have no idea what it's like to get made fun of for how you look.

01:58:30.000 I'm like, it's all I do.

01:58:32.000 I have some idea.

01:58:33.000 It's the only thing I deal with.

01:58:34.000 But it's different.

01:58:35.000 This is why. 1.00

01:58:36.000 If you're a talented guy and you look like shit, you can still get laid. 1.00

01:58:40.000 Well, hold on. 1.00

01:58:41.000 I don't look like shit. 0.99

01:58:42.000 I'm not saying you. 0.99

01:58:43.000 I'm not saying you. 1.00

01:58:44.000 Just retarded shit. 1.00

01:58:45.000 Let's say someone far worse off than anyone in this room. 1.00

01:58:50.000 You can still get beautiful women because you're talented. 0.99

01:58:54.000 That does not work.

01:58:55.000 The opposite. 1.00

01:58:56.000 True, but they can get puss or they can get dick without being talented and hot. 1.00

01:59:02.000 And they cannot be hot and get dick. 1.00

01:59:03.000 That's true. 1.00

01:59:04.000 And they can be a seven and get real high level dick. 0.99

01:59:06.000 They cannot be attractive at all and get dick whenever. 0.99

01:59:09.000 We're talking about mathematics. 1.00

01:59:12.000 Terrible dick. 1.00

01:59:12.000 But we've all fucked a couple of twos. 1.00

01:59:13.000 No, put those back on. 0.99

01:59:15.000 I mean mathematics in the sense that each thing has a value to it.

01:59:19.000 And the more wealthy, famous...

01:59:23.000 What's that guy's name? 0.97

01:59:24.000 That super, super fucking old dude that owned Fox? 0.99

01:59:27.000 Rupert Murdoch. 0.99

01:59:28.000 This dude is worth billions of dollars and got divorced, right?

01:59:32.000 Or he was gonna get married, had this fiancée, and she's like really into Christianity or something.

01:59:37.000 But the crazy thing is he was talking about the rest of his life.

01:59:41.000 He was like, the second half of my life.

01:59:43.000 Wow.

01:59:43.000 Like, he's 90. If you see him walking around, you're like, this guy's crazy.

01:59:47.000 But it's because this guy knows he can still sling dick. 1.00

01:59:51.000 Uh, Stephen Hawking got laid. 1.00

01:59:53.000 That was his lady.

01:59:54.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:59:55.000 Oh, he did it again.

01:59:57.000 So he's got a new one.

01:59:58.000 He's engaged again.

01:59:59.000 He was a molecular biologist.

02:00:00.000 Yo, yo, he's 92. He just got engaged again.

02:00:03.000 This is what I'm talking about.

02:00:04.000 You got that kind of cheddar! 1.00

02:00:07.000 You can sling dick! 1.00

02:00:10.000 Deep into the 90s! 1.00

02:00:11.000 There is not a woman who divorced Jerry Hall, the woman who was married to Mick Jagger.

02:00:16.000 Easy, McAfee.

02:00:17.000 He's slinging.

02:00:20.000 Slinging-ish. 0.54

02:00:21.000 That's maybe because women like competency. 1.00

02:00:24.000 But this is the difference.

02:00:25.000 Maybe they're attracted to competency.

02:00:26.000 That's all it is.

02:00:27.000 But this is why.

02:00:28.000 Which is fine.

02:00:29.000 But this is why.

02:00:29.000 That's what people should be attracted to.

02:00:31.000 It's an even trade.

02:00:32.000 That's what people should be attracted to.

02:00:34.000 Yes.

02:00:35.000 But this is why a woman can say, you don't know what it's like. 1.00

02:00:39.000 Because you don't know what it's like.

02:00:41.000 Because there's always this other thing.

02:00:42.000 But I'd rather be the woman.

02:00:44.000 I'd rather be the woman. 0.98

02:00:45.000 She's bad. 0.88

02:00:46.000 If you're hot.

02:00:48.000 Or not hot.

02:00:49.000 But if you're not hot, then you're judged unfavorably about something that you have no control over, and that's your value to a lot of people.

02:00:56.000 That's the difference.

02:00:57.000 There's a difference.

02:00:59.000 Of course, the original statement, though, was female comics talk about People always comment on my looks. 1.00

02:01:08.000 And it's like, that's all they do with me.

02:01:10.000 I get it.

02:01:11.000 It's just, I think it has a different value for women.

02:01:14.000 True, I can go, yeah, whatever, yeah. 1.00

02:01:15.000 Yeah, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:01:17.000 I just sold out masks. 1.00

02:01:18.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:01:21.000 There's a thing that separates you from everybody, and that's talent.

02:01:25.000 And for a woman, it's like, unattractiveness is the Trumper. 1.00

02:01:29.000 That's number one.

02:01:31.000 A hot lady steals... 1.00

02:01:32.000 But you banged ugly ladies? 1.00

02:01:34.000 Not in my adult life. 0.96

02:01:38.000 Only as a kid.

02:01:40.000 I was a good looking guy.

02:01:41.000 I did well.

02:01:42.000 Yeah, you did alright.

02:01:43.000 I got lucky.

02:01:44.000 I got lucky with genes.

02:01:45.000 But it's just, if you're a woman and you don't get lucky, that's a bad sentence. 0.91

02:01:50.000 Like, if your whole world around you, especially today, if you're, like, that's one of the things that social media has fucked young girls up. 0.85

02:01:57.000 Yeah. 0.63

02:01:57.000 Because, like, you're looking at girls that are way hotter than you before they use filters. 0.63

02:02:02.000 Right.

02:02:02.000 Before they use filters.

02:02:04.000 And then they throw filters on, they look insanely good, and you know there's not a fucking chance in hell. 0.95

02:02:09.000 And that's your normal. 0.99

02:02:10.000 The genes that you got dealt, the fucking hand of cards you got, is gonna compete with that. 0.99

02:02:15.000 Yeah, but then you just... 0.99

02:02:15.000 Yeah, but then you get to... 0.99

02:02:16.000 Marry a nice guy.

02:02:18.000 Maybe.

02:02:19.000 You're not in that world of like, here's me in a bikini picture.

02:02:24.000 You're like, here's a nice guy.

02:02:25.000 We're going to raise a family together.

02:02:27.000 I don't know.

02:02:28.000 There's some benefits to that.

02:02:30.000 There's benefits to that. 0.99

02:02:31.000 Maybe they're not in our world of fucking... 0.99

02:02:33.000 But guess what? 0.99

02:02:33.000 If Kim Kardashian wants to marry a nice guy, she can do. 0.99

02:02:37.000 If she decides to just go grab some nice guy, well, he was the guy who was working on my house.

02:02:43.000 Do you know what's going to happen if she knows he's a nice guy?

02:02:45.000 Day one, TMZ's going to stick a camera in his face.

02:02:47.000 He'll never go outside.

02:02:49.000 He won't be nice. 1.00

02:02:49.000 He'll stay at home and she'll just fuck him. 1.00

02:02:50.000 He won't be nice again. 1.00

02:02:51.000 She'll tie him to the bed and just fuck the shit out of him. 1.00

02:02:54.000 Day one, and they'll ruin him. 1.00

02:02:56.000 Yeah.

02:02:57.000 I don't know.

02:02:58.000 Whatever.

02:02:59.000 We're having fun now. 0.99

02:03:00.000 Damn, I had a point and I lost it. 0.99

02:03:02.000 Here's the thing. 0.99

02:03:03.000 That's the super mindfuck is when people get famous, like Jordan Peterson style.

02:03:08.000 When they get famous when they're older. 0.97

02:03:09.000 He got hotter.

02:03:11.000 He got higher and then went loony bins.

02:03:12.000 What it is is he started eating only meat.

02:03:15.000 Little bonks.

02:03:16.000 Yeah, he got little cuckoos.

02:03:18.000 What do you think is bonker?

02:03:19.000 What do you say that's bonkers? 0.55

02:03:20.000 He's a little bonker. 0.93

02:03:21.000 I don't know. 0.76

02:03:21.000 He's like famous, famous. 0.76

02:03:24.000 Too famous?

02:03:25.000 Entering rehab.

02:03:26.000 Oh, but you know what that is?

02:03:28.000 He, unfortunately, did not know the side effects of benzodiazepines.

02:03:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:03:34.000 Sounds like an actor.

02:03:36.000 The guy just took him.

02:03:37.000 He'll tell you.

02:03:38.000 He took him because he was really struggling.

02:03:40.000 But I think part of the reason why he was struggling is his wife was going through cancer.

02:03:43.000 I thought he was supposed to be a smart guy.

02:03:44.000 Read the label.

02:03:49.000 Listen, man, if you did something, like if you play golf, you play golf, right?

02:03:55.000 If I came to you, but I don't play.

02:03:58.000 So if I came to you, what's a thing that you do that I don't do?

02:04:01.000 Golf, yeah.

02:04:02.000 Okay, so if I came to you and go, how do you do this?

02:04:04.000 I would just listen.

02:04:05.000 Because you do it, and I don't do it.

02:04:07.000 So if you're a doctor, a psychologist, you call your friend who's a psychiatrist, and you say, I'm going through this.

02:04:12.000 What should I do?

02:04:13.000 Take this, don't worry, you're gonna feel way better.

02:04:15.000 He takes Xanax, he feels way better.

02:04:17.000 But he doesn't realize that there's one of two things that's commonly used that'll kill you if you just jump off it.

02:04:22.000 One's alcohol, the other is benzos.

02:04:25.000 Oh no, is that right?

02:04:26.000 Alcohol?

02:04:27.000 If you're an alcoholic, if you're like a full-on, all-day drinking...

02:04:30.000 And his doctor told him that?

02:04:32.000 No, his doctor didn't tell him that.

02:04:34.000 So he didn't realize that until he tried to get off of him. 0.99

02:04:36.000 And it took like a fucking year, man. 0.99

02:04:38.000 That guy got physically wrecked. 0.99

02:04:41.000 Peterson rules.

02:04:41.000 But yeah, anytime any of those intellectuals become famous, they kind of stink.

02:04:45.000 And then when you get fully sucked into the culture war as an intellectual, Either side, I don't love it.

02:04:53.000 Yeah, because then it's like you're wasting all your mental energy on the culture war and not curing cancer or some social thing. 0.99

02:04:59.000 But it's also to recognize that if you don't fight against this shit, it just keeps pushing and gaining more boundary, more ground. 0.99

02:05:05.000 It moves the goalposts. 1.00

02:05:07.000 It does.

02:05:08.000 And you have to have really smart people.

02:05:10.000 He just went on a crying spree.

02:05:13.000 Sorry about your voice, bro.

02:05:16.000 Because he really feels that way.

02:05:18.000 I know it seems crazy when you look at it out of context, but if you look at him crying in the context of the conversation, it's because he really feels that way.

02:05:26.000 I go on crying sprees, but I keep them.

02:05:28.000 Keep them offline.

02:05:29.000 Don't record.

02:05:30.000 He's not...

02:05:33.000 He's just being himself.

02:05:34.000 And he's being himself in front of all these people.

02:05:37.000 In a three-piece suit.

02:05:37.000 And he's being himself with all these people watching him.

02:05:39.000 He's being himself in a three-piece suit.

02:05:41.000 He's getting dressed up to go be himself.

02:05:42.000 And the weird three-piece.

02:05:44.000 Sometimes they're like multicolored.

02:05:45.000 But he does that because he thinks that suits look good.

02:05:50.000 It's cool.

02:05:50.000 It's just fame ruins a lot of people's work.

02:05:53.000 They're doing great work.

02:05:54.000 The Kimmel, same sort of thing.

02:05:56.000 It's like, eh, you guys are all becoming something else.

02:05:58.000 But it's also because you're a part of a system.

02:06:01.000 Jordan's not necessarily a part of a system.

02:06:02.000 He's like removed from a system.

02:06:04.000 But then the problem becomes, are you constantly fighting that system?

02:06:07.000 Or are you just speaking about things the way you see them?

02:06:10.000 Well, the question is, why is there a system fighting him?

02:06:14.000 Why can't he just exist and talk about what he wants to talk about?

02:06:17.000 Why is someone always coming down on him?

02:06:19.000 Because he has a lot of influence.

02:06:20.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:06:21.000 But why can't he have an influence and why do we have to attack him?

02:06:24.000 It's because of the internet.

02:06:25.000 It's because who likes him.

02:06:27.000 It's just people arguing on the internet.

02:06:29.000 They're like, Jordan Peterson rules.

02:06:30.000 Listen to this quote.

02:06:31.000 And then people that don't like the things you like are like, he's actually a Nazi.

02:06:35.000 Right. 0.99

02:06:35.000 And then the people that call him a Nazi are like, you're gay. 0.99

02:06:38.000 Right. 0.97

02:06:39.000 But why do we have to be like that?

02:06:41.000 I thought I had something there.

02:06:43.000 No, you did!

02:06:44.000 Nazis never been subjective before.

02:06:47.000 It's a subjective term, which is weird.

02:06:49.000 You're right.

02:06:49.000 That's why you would infuriate me, that whole punch a Nazi thing.

02:06:53.000 I was like, who decides who's a Nazi?

02:06:55.000 He's been called a Nazi.

02:06:57.000 Jukeface101.

02:06:59.000 That's a fun one.

02:07:00.000 And I was like, oh, alright. 0.89

02:07:02.000 Well, they were calling Dave Smith a self-hating Jew. 0.85

02:07:04.000 Yes, yes! 1.00

02:07:05.000 Because he's criticizing the way Israel's bombing the fucking shit out of Gaza. 1.00

02:07:09.000 Free Palestine. 1.00

02:07:10.000 The whole thing is so nuts, man.

02:07:13.000 You guys are going a little overboard, dude.

02:07:15.000 You got them.

02:07:15.000 I'm on the side of Hamas.

02:07:16.000 I like the way they're killing the Palestinians. 1.00

02:07:19.000 You like how Hamas is killing Palestinians? 0.81

02:07:23.000 Tunnels is one that you guys can agree on.

02:07:26.000 You're saying how Hamas is killing the Palestinians?

02:07:28.000 Their own people. 1.00

02:07:30.000 Yeah, when they line them up and execute all their fucking people running against them. 1.00

02:07:33.000 Do they do that? 1.00

02:07:34.000 Yeah, it's cool.

02:07:35.000 I don't think Hamas does.

02:07:36.000 The Jews tried to have a ceasefire and they wouldn't go with it. 0.97

02:07:39.000 What?

02:07:40.000 The Jews threw out a ceasefire, like, hey, let's do a ceasefire, and Palestine was like, nah. 0.99

02:07:45.000 Nah, no deal.

02:07:45.000 When was this?

02:07:46.000 October 6th?

02:07:49.000 No.

02:07:50.000 The day before.

02:07:50.000 The day before?

02:07:51.000 Yeah, yeah, pull it up, J-Bo. 0.96

02:07:53.000 I'm sure the terms dictate whether they say yes or not.

02:07:57.000 You know what the wildest thing is?

02:07:58.000 That there was protests in the streets for months, hundreds of thousands of people protesting Netanyahu.

02:08:05.000 In Israel.

02:08:06.000 He's one of the leaders.

02:08:07.000 You can be against your leaders without being against the countries.

02:08:09.000 But it was right before it happened.

02:08:11.000 For sure.

02:08:11.000 And then when it happened, that put a squash.

02:08:13.000 Nehemiah was ready to throw down.

02:08:16.000 No, he's ready to go, brother.

02:08:18.000 Nehemiah, Hamas, get rid of all the old guard. 0.99

02:08:21.000 Get somebody young in there. 1.00

02:08:21.000 Get some 40-year-olds in there to fucking stay high. 1.00

02:08:23.000 The thing is, man, the people that have gone through this, you're not going to erase this. 0.99

02:08:28.000 You're not gonna erase the memory of what they did to Gaza. 0.98

02:08:30.000 You're not gonna erase the memory of what those people in Israel experienced when those dudes are fucking parachuting down and gunning people down and chasing down kids at a rave. 0.94

02:08:39.000 You're not gonna erase that. 0.97

02:08:41.000 Uh-oh.

02:08:42.000 What's she thinking?

02:08:43.000 Hillary said it.

02:08:45.000 Remember, there was a ceasefire on October 6th that Hamas broke by their barbaric assault on peaceful civilians.

02:08:50.000 Scroll up so we can see that trustworthy picture.

02:08:53.000 There she is.

02:08:53.000 Alright.

02:08:54.000 What'd she say?

02:08:55.000 There was a ceasefire.

02:08:56.000 It did not hold because Hamas chose to break it.

02:08:59.000 Dude, there you go.

02:09:00.000 Moss have consistently broken ceasefires over a number of years.

02:09:03.000 If Dave Smith was here, Dave Smith would be able to lay this out.

02:09:06.000 Yeah, I don't know anything about it. 1.00

02:09:07.000 We need a real Jew, not a fucking phony. 0.99

02:09:10.000 I found out about Dave because of Ari's State of the Country. 1.00

02:09:14.000 State of the Union.

02:09:15.000 Yeah, RIP. Smith's a smart guy.

02:09:19.000 I can't keep up.

02:09:20.000 Oh, he's a genius.

02:09:21.000 He's one of the best at retaining information.

02:09:23.000 Yeah, sometimes you talk to him and you're like, wait, wait, who?

02:09:26.000 Say that again?

02:09:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:09:28.000 No, I mean, he just can talk about basically any international crisis that he's investigated.

02:09:34.000 He investigates things to the point of, like, he'll be able to tell you the root of the conflict.

02:09:39.000 I'm sure his wife loves it.

02:09:41.000 Oh, my God.

02:09:42.000 That's got to be a tough household. 1.00

02:09:43.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:09:45.000 There's no way he's only telling us that. 1.00

02:09:48.000 He's telling her that, too.

02:09:49.000 She's probably petrified. 0.99

02:09:51.000 Back to the female comedian thing about you're looking retarded, that whole thing. 1.00

02:09:54.000 Thank you! 0.93

02:09:56.000 Well, what bugs me is that it's all men's fault, but they judge each other. 0.78

02:10:01.000 That's true, too.

02:10:02.000 There's a lot of lady-on-lady judging of appearance. 1.00

02:10:06.000 All this is going to go out the window with CRISPR. With CRISPR? With genetic engineering.

02:10:11.000 They're going to change people and turn them into fucking... 1.00

02:10:12.000 We'll get all hot chicks that are cool. 1.00

02:10:14.000 We'll always talk about his body positivity, but everybody's getting Botox, lap band, and they're all on a Zembik.

02:10:19.000 Which one is it?

02:10:21.000 Well, they don't want to die, but they want to pretend they're okay.

02:10:24.000 And they want to pretend that it's fine to be exactly how you are.

02:10:28.000 Because it's uncomfortable to deal with the fact that you've got to make some changes.

02:10:31.000 And so let's not make people uncomfortable.

02:10:33.000 Let's let China win. 0.98

02:10:35.000 There you go.

02:10:37.000 Let's let Russia win. 1.00

02:10:38.000 Let's keep everybody weak and fat and stupid and lazy and addicted to their phones. 1.00

02:10:45.000 And then let's shut the power off. 1.00

02:10:48.000 Alright, you're just describing Shane.

02:10:54.000 That wasn't a pun.

02:10:56.000 Well, you've been working out. 1.00

02:10:57.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

02:10:57.000 That wasn't a pun. 1.00

02:10:58.000 Usually you're a pun guy.

02:11:00.000 I got puns.

02:11:01.000 Yeah, get a pun going.

02:11:02.000 The puns are in the works.

02:11:03.000 You can work out here with us tomorrow.

02:11:05.000 You want to work out tomorrow?

02:11:06.000 What's tomorrow?

02:11:06.000 We're bringing it back.

02:11:07.000 The Comedian Workout.

02:11:08.000 The Comedian Workout?

02:11:09.000 Oh.

02:11:10.000 I gotta fly home tomorrow. 1.00

02:11:11.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

02:11:12.000 I thought you were home. 1.00

02:11:13.000 I thought you live here.

02:11:13.000 No, I got to go to my parents' house.

02:11:15.000 Ah.

02:11:15.000 Oh, isn't that cute?

02:11:16.000 We got a little fundraiser for the coffee shop.

02:11:19.000 Oh, yes.

02:11:21.000 Promote it.

02:11:21.000 Tomorrow.

02:11:22.000 Noor in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.

02:11:24.000 It's called Noor.

02:11:25.000 So this will come out tomorrow, so they'll hear it.

02:11:28.000 I'll be there.

02:11:28.000 They'll get flooded.

02:11:29.000 Yeah, that's probably a mistake.

02:11:32.000 But it's called Noor.

02:11:33.000 Check it out.

02:11:35.000 N-O-R-M? N-O-U-R. Noor. 1.00

02:11:38.000 Oh, Noor.

02:11:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:11:41.000 All right.

02:11:42.000 It's a good coffee shop.

02:11:43.000 You got a plug on SNL. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:11:46.000 Did you get a plug?

02:11:47.000 Yeah, I talked about it.

02:11:48.000 You heard the joke before.

02:11:49.000 The opening.

02:11:50.000 Oh, that's right.

02:11:51.000 Oh, that's right.

02:11:52.000 I didn't get to do the whole joke.

02:11:55.000 Apple juice.

02:11:55.000 So much more.

02:11:59.000 Yeah, I burnt all my premises.

02:12:01.000 You got away with a lot, though.

02:12:01.000 You got away with a lot.

02:12:03.000 Can you hand me one of those beers, Ari? 0.99

02:12:05.000 How's the new... 0.98

02:12:08.000 First of all, I got leaked that you were in a Tarantino thing, which I think was bullshit. 0.56

02:12:11.000 I'm not.

02:12:12.000 But then, uh...

02:12:14.000 I don't believe him. 1.00

02:12:14.000 Shit's so big now. 1.00

02:12:15.000 I don't believe him. 0.99

02:12:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:12:16.000 I feel like I'm talking to one of them UFO guys that's bullshitting me.

02:12:19.000 There's a few of those UFO guys that talk to him, I'm like, you're bullshitting me.

02:12:22.000 If I was in the Tarantino movie, I would tell you guys. 1.00

02:12:24.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:12:25.000 By the way, I would tell you right away. 1.00

02:12:26.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:12:27.000 You're in a fucking Tarantino movie. 1.00

02:12:28.000 It'd be the first thing I told you. 1.00

02:12:29.000 I don't believe him at all.

02:12:30.000 No.

02:12:31.000 He's in the movie.

02:12:32.000 I would tell you right away.

02:12:34.000 I'd tell you guys everything.

02:12:36.000 With Blabbermouth. 0.66

02:12:37.000 Tarantino's only got one movie left.

02:12:38.000 I'll tell you immediately.

02:12:39.000 If you're in Tarantino's last movie...

02:12:41.000 That would be very cool.

02:12:42.000 Did you meet with him?

02:12:43.000 Did you meet with Tarantino?

02:12:44.000 Did you meet with Tarantino?

02:12:46.000 No.

02:12:46.000 Did you have any discussions about it?

02:12:47.000 I've never met him in my life.

02:12:48.000 He loves comedy.

02:12:49.000 Did you have discussions about it?

02:12:49.000 Through agents, through Jews?

02:12:51.000 Powerful Jews. 0.92

02:12:52.000 People haven't told me anything. 1.00

02:12:53.000 He's the fucking man. 1.00

02:12:55.000 I sit down and talk to him. 1.00

02:12:56.000 He's like a legit movie genius.

02:12:59.000 He's awesome.

02:13:00.000 He's the man.

02:13:01.000 Would you tell me about Reservoir Dogs?

02:13:04.000 When they were like, you gotta put a woman in. 1.00

02:13:05.000 And he's like, no.

02:13:07.000 I just want to do the movie.

02:13:08.000 Why would I do that?

02:13:09.000 Didn't you tell me that?

02:13:10.000 Or was it a different guy with your face?

02:13:12.000 No, it wasn't me.

02:13:12.000 It was a different guy with your face.

02:13:15.000 But I believe it.

02:13:16.000 That's great.

02:13:16.000 He's like, no, we're doing it that way.

02:13:17.000 He's like, this is how we're doing the movie.

02:13:19.000 They're like, you gotta get a woman in there. 1.00

02:13:21.000 He's like, but it's about a bank robbery.

02:13:22.000 And they all shoot each other.

02:13:24.000 What are you talking about? 0.93

02:13:24.000 They cut a guy's ear off. 0.93

02:13:26.000 Yeah.

02:13:27.000 And he was like, no, I'm not doing it.

02:13:29.000 And it was a hit.

02:13:29.000 Wow.

02:13:30.000 Just let people do their thing.

02:13:32.000 Not a hit, though.

02:13:33.000 Underground.

02:13:34.000 Well, in India.

02:13:35.000 Well, it led to Pulp Fiction.

02:13:37.000 Yeah.

02:13:37.000 That was the big...

02:13:38.000 Creative hit.

02:13:38.000 Not a financial hit.

02:13:40.000 They were both speaking correctly.

02:13:41.000 What was the... 0.99

02:13:42.000 The guy that he was a partner with in the early days made this fucking... 0.99

02:13:46.000 Harvey Weinstein. 0.99

02:13:47.000 I believe he is tied up right now with legal issues of an undisclosed environment.

02:13:53.000 No female characters in Resoir Dogs because the movie took place over the course of an hour in this warehouse after this robbery.

02:14:00.000 These guys aren't going to bring their girlfriends to the robbery.

02:14:03.000 Joe didn't happen to hire any women.

02:14:07.000 We didn't get a normal life!

02:14:09.000 We gotta raise this baby! 1.00

02:14:11.000 You ruined your suit!

02:14:12.000 You got blood all over it!

02:14:13.000 When the piano starts in the movie, fast forward!

02:14:17.000 Was that movie an homage to a Chinese or a Japanese movie?

02:14:24.000 Probably.

02:14:24.000 What's it, Jamie?

02:14:26.000 I'm fucking dying! 0.99

02:14:27.000 Jamie, that's not the type of backtalk we need. 0.99

02:14:29.000 We need research, not backtalk.

02:14:31.000 That guy.

02:14:31.000 Has there ever been a guy that's never had one miss?

02:14:34.000 You're gonna be okay.

02:14:35.000 Never had a miss.

02:14:36.000 Never had a miss.

02:14:37.000 What?

02:14:40.000 What was that one?

02:14:41.000 Hateful Eight.

02:14:42.000 Still fun. 1.00

02:14:43.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:14:45.000 It's got moments. 1.00

02:14:46.000 You talked about it for weeks later.

02:14:47.000 It was still a great movie.

02:14:48.000 I didn't love it.

02:14:49.000 You didn't love it on a Tarantino level.

02:14:51.000 I was so excited.

02:14:52.000 Yes, of course.

02:14:52.000 I was so excited for it because Django and Inglourious Basterds are top.

02:14:57.000 Amazing.

02:14:58.000 Top banger.

02:14:59.000 Top five for me.

02:14:59.000 Inglourious Basterds.

02:15:00.000 All the time.

02:15:01.000 Me, Pulp.

02:15:02.000 Yeah.

02:15:03.000 Jango was kind of like a little bit over the line of like reality. 0.99

02:15:07.000 Holding the fucking body up with it. 0.99

02:15:09.000 Jango was so nice, dude. 1.00

02:15:11.000 Yeah.

02:15:12.000 But Hateful Eight.

02:15:13.000 Dude, I loved it.

02:15:14.000 It was so slow and tense.

02:15:15.000 I liked it.

02:15:16.000 When he's like, hey, put these handcuffs on.

02:15:17.000 And he goes, no.

02:15:18.000 And he puts it back. 1.00

02:15:19.000 And you're like, fuck, some shit's going to go back down! 1.00

02:15:21.000 He beat the hell out of Jennifer Jason Leigh. 1.00

02:15:23.000 Oh, that was fun.

02:15:24.000 I forgot about that.

02:15:25.000 Look at her with her black eye. 1.00

02:15:26.000 Bro, this movie has got some real Rihanna. 1.00

02:15:28.000 She looks like Rosebud. 1.00

02:15:30.000 Oh, yeah.

02:15:30.000 She does.

02:15:31.000 This movie fucking ruled, dude. 1.00

02:15:33.000 It ruled. 1.00

02:15:36.000 It's way too drawn out.

02:15:38.000 You were expecting action.

02:15:39.000 There was not a lot of action, but that was his response.

02:15:41.000 That was him going, shut up, I'll do my own thing.

02:15:43.000 It's a western whodunit.

02:15:45.000 It's an awesome movie.

02:15:46.000 You're going to be okay.

02:15:48.000 But Pulp Fiction still holds up.

02:15:51.000 Pulp Fiction.

02:15:52.000 Lost best movie to Forrest Gump.

02:15:54.000 Gump rules. 1.00

02:15:55.000 That's how dumb that fucking thing is. 1.00

02:15:58.000 Gump's a little silly. 1.00

02:16:00.000 Obviously. 0.98

02:16:02.000 Obviously you love Forrest Gump.

02:16:04.000 Get out of town.

02:16:05.000 What is this type of thing?

02:16:07.000 I don't understand this type of thing.

02:16:09.000 It was a good movie.

02:16:11.000 Gump ruled.

02:16:12.000 Where's your pre-posting now?

02:16:15.000 Gump was good. 0.99

02:16:16.000 Gump was great, but it was no fucking Pulp Fiction. 0.99

02:16:19.000 Gump was... 0.99

02:16:20.000 No, dude, giant drop down.

02:16:23.000 Guys, what are we talking about?

02:16:25.000 Gump in Vietnam?

02:16:27.000 Hilarious, dude.

02:16:28.000 Gump's a comedy.

02:16:29.000 Gump's a comedy.

02:16:30.000 Gump is so good.

02:16:31.000 Trips, dude.

02:16:32.000 You gotta really step aside. 0.99

02:16:35.000 Gump's fucking, his drill instructor would be like, Gump, why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Private Gump? 1.00

02:16:41.000 Because you told me to. 1.00

02:16:44.000 Jesus Christ, you must have an IQ of 160. You are gonna be a goddamn general someday! 1.00

02:16:50.000 Gump! 1.00

02:16:50.000 Disassemble your weapon and continue. 1.00

02:16:52.000 Tastes like cigarettes.

02:16:53.000 Shawshank was that year too?

02:16:54.000 And Jurassic Park?

02:16:55.000 And JP? Gump, dude.

02:16:56.000 Gump.

02:16:56.000 What a year!

02:16:57.000 It's Pulp Fiction.

02:16:59.000 Simultaneously.

02:16:59.000 Best soundtrack.

02:17:01.000 Gump.

02:17:01.000 Piss about that!

02:17:02.000 No, Pulp Fiction! 1.00

02:17:03.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:17:04.000 Pulp Fiction was the best soundtrack. 1.00

02:17:05.000 I'll go soundtrack for soundtrack on that.

02:17:07.000 Dude, Shawshank Redemption ruled.

02:17:09.000 Pulp Fiction soundtrack was legendary.

02:17:10.000 Shawshank Redemption rules for sure.

02:17:11.000 It was killer.

02:17:12.000 Pulp Fiction had the best soundtrack.

02:17:13.000 By far the best.

02:17:14.000 Man, the 90s were good.

02:17:15.000 They reinvented the idea of a soundtrack.

02:17:17.000 Hold on.

02:17:17.000 Pulp Fiction over Gump soundtrack?

02:17:19.000 It reinvented the whole, what is a soundtrack?

02:17:22.000 Gump's soundtrack was literally the quintessential American...

02:17:25.000 It's classic rock.

02:17:26.000 It's America.

02:17:27.000 It's good.

02:17:28.000 Also true.

02:17:29.000 Also true.

02:17:30.000 But both Pulp Fiction was like, we're having bands you've never remembered.

02:17:33.000 They're so cool.

02:17:34.000 Yeah, there's a difference.

02:17:36.000 There's a difference.

02:17:37.000 I mean, it's not even close.

02:17:37.000 Fortunate Son.

02:17:38.000 Let's go. 1.00

02:17:39.000 This is just a fucking collection of... 1.00

02:17:41.000 Popular songs. 1.00

02:17:42.000 Well this is mainstream.

02:17:43.000 What are you talking about?

02:17:45.000 Ari's right.

02:17:46.000 This is the most essential American song.

02:17:48.000 It's great.

02:17:49.000 This is the definition of made songs.

02:17:49.000 Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

02:17:51.000 Gump is the story of America.

02:17:51.000 If you've never heard that song, they're like, what is this?

02:17:53.000 Listen. 0.99

02:17:54.000 Pulp Fiction fucking rules. 0.99

02:17:55.000 I would probably rather watch that. 1.00

02:17:57.000 Jungle Boogie.

02:17:58.000 He's rediscovering old bands that were like the son of a preacher man.

02:18:01.000 Where you're like, I don't even remember this song.

02:18:02.000 And he's like, let's make it popular again.

02:18:04.000 Mainstream versus indie.

02:18:05.000 Yeah.

02:18:06.000 It's not just that.

02:18:07.000 Forrest Gump was mainstream, which is like, here are the biggest hits of each year.

02:18:09.000 But still great songs.

02:18:10.000 Yeah, they both rule.

02:18:12.000 They both rule.

02:18:12.000 We're arguing.

02:18:13.000 We can have both.

02:18:14.000 That's the problem with arguments of who's bigger.

02:18:16.000 That's the problem with awards.

02:18:18.000 It reached number 21. Fired up.

02:18:20.000 We need the right and the left.

02:18:21.000 JMO, let's fire it up.

02:18:22.000 Let's find top sales of all time.

02:18:24.000 I guarantee Forrest Gump's...

02:18:26.000 Soundtrack might be mainstream.

02:18:29.000 Listen, Forrest Gump was a great movie.

02:18:32.000 I'm not saying it's a bad thing.

02:18:33.000 It's not really in competition with Pulp Fiction, nor should it be.

02:18:36.000 They're two different kinds of things.

02:18:40.000 But to sit here and say Pulp Fiction should've won is crazy.

02:18:43.000 It should've won.

02:18:44.000 Number seven.

02:18:44.000 I think it's a better movie.

02:18:45.000 Way better movie.

02:18:46.000 More iconic.

02:18:47.000 More lovely.

02:18:48.000 More iconic.

02:18:48.000 More people love it.

02:18:49.000 I don't know about iconic.

02:18:50.000 Wait, what?

02:18:50.000 More people love it.

02:18:51.000 Cooler people love it. 1.00

02:18:51.000 You're just saying dumb things. 1.00

02:18:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:53.000 That way to catch up. 1.00

02:18:55.000 There's no stats.

02:18:56.000 There's no stats to back this claim.

02:18:58.000 By far better.

02:18:59.000 More manlier things.

02:19:00.000 In the face of evidence that shows that Forrest Gump is a superior product, according to the marketplace, Ari Shaffir rejects this.

02:19:08.000 In favor of just filibustering.

02:19:10.000 Dude, obviously Pulp Fiction was a cooler movie.

02:19:12.000 He's defending his career.

02:19:13.000 You're cool.

02:19:14.000 You have to be cool.

02:19:15.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:19:16.000 Urge Overkill is cool.

02:19:18.000 It's cool.

02:19:18.000 Discovering new bands is cool.

02:19:20.000 That soundtrack was awesome.

02:19:22.000 I'm not saying it's not awesome.

02:19:23.000 I should have never heard of anyone say the Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome.

02:19:27.000 What?

02:19:27.000 Nobody.

02:19:28.000 No, they put together a lot of great tunes.

02:19:30.000 Forrest Gump's soundtrack was awesome.

02:19:32.000 Yeah, I don't remember it at all.

02:19:33.000 Let's see what it is.

02:19:34.000 It was out that year. 1.00

02:19:37.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:19:38.000 Time has come today! 1.00

02:19:39.000 Where's it going to billboard?

02:19:40.000 Oh my god, look at what we got here.

02:19:41.000 Fortunate Son.

02:19:41.000 The album went to number two?

02:19:42.000 Wow.

02:19:43.000 Fortunate Son.

02:19:44.000 Come on, son.

02:19:44.000 Hound Dog by Elvis.

02:19:46.000 Respect by Otis Redding.

02:19:47.000 They're better songs.

02:19:48.000 Bob Dylan.

02:19:48.000 It just has a soundtrack.

02:19:49.000 It's just like...

02:19:50.000 Buffalo Spring, The Doors, Garfunks, get out of here! 1.00

02:19:54.000 Fuck up, Ari! 1.00

02:19:55.000 You Zionist! 1.00

02:19:58.000 Ari! 1.00

02:19:59.000 Zionist! 1.00

02:20:00.000 Put the headphones on. 0.99

02:20:01.000 You're being obnoxious and annoying.

02:20:02.000 Put your headphones on. 1.00

02:20:03.000 You stepped on all of us, you fucking Zionist. 1.00

02:20:06.000 Put the headphones on. 1.00

02:20:06.000 Free palestine. 1.00

02:20:07.000 Put the headphones on. 1.00

02:20:09.000 You colonized this fucking conversation, bro. 1.00

02:20:12.000 Yeah, go back to the tunnel. 1.00

02:20:14.000 I hate you, dude.

02:20:15.000 What movies do they play in the tunnels? 0.95

02:20:17.000 Tunnel's wild, right?

02:20:18.000 What are they playing in the tunnels?

02:20:19.000 It's just Schindler's list.

02:20:20.000 Tell me what you know about the tunnel.

02:20:21.000 What's the email list tell you?

02:20:22.000 They still won't talk.

02:20:22.000 Put your headphones on so we don't talk over each other.

02:20:24.000 No, we're all talking over each other.

02:20:26.000 You're the only one in the tunnel.

02:20:27.000 Everybody pauses when other people start talking because we have headphones on. 0.99

02:20:40.000 I was hoping Ari is too fucked up to notice. 1.00

02:20:46.000 He goes, we're all wearing headphones. 1.00

02:20:47.000 Let's all go.

02:20:49.000 No, literally nobody is.

02:20:50.000 No, man.

02:20:51.000 At least Norman's got him around his chin.

02:20:56.000 He can at least keep up.

02:20:58.000 You know what else is nice?

02:20:59.000 What?

02:21:00.000 Remember the Titans soundtrack.

02:21:03.000 Another great classic.

02:21:05.000 How about Vision Quest?

02:21:07.000 Vision Quest?

02:21:08.000 Yeah.

02:21:08.000 What's that?

02:21:09.000 Movie from the 90s about a wrestler. 1.00

02:21:11.000 You fucking stoner. 1.00

02:21:11.000 I've never heard of that. 1.00

02:21:12.000 Might not even be from the 90s.

02:21:13.000 Might be like 89. 80s.

02:21:15.000 It was a movie about...

02:21:16.000 It might be like late 80s now that I think about it.

02:21:18.000 I'm like 85, 86. It's a movie about a wrestler.

02:21:22.000 Matthew Modine.

02:21:23.000 We're not allowed to play music?

02:21:25.000 No, we can't.

02:21:25.000 Did you see Ironclaw?

02:21:26.000 I didn't.

02:21:27.000 Oh, you would like it.

02:21:29.000 It was Ironclaw.

02:21:29.000 It's heavy duty.

02:21:30.000 What is it?

02:21:31.000 Oh, come on, J-Mo! 0.97

02:21:34.000 What's Ironclaw?

02:21:35.000 It's about the, what is it, Van Hoos?

02:21:39.000 Yeah, yeah, what's his name?

02:21:40.000 Oh, that's the one where Homeboy, the handsome fella.

02:21:44.000 Yeah, Zac Efron.

02:21:45.000 Zac Efron, that handsome guy. 0.99

02:21:46.000 It's really well done and sad as shit. 0.99

02:21:48.000 Oh, bro, fucking the pro wrestling world is mostly sad at the end. 0.99

02:21:52.000 Well, it's like the dark days of wrestling. 1.00

02:21:56.000 Open mic, high school gym shit. 0.99

02:21:59.000 By the way, all those open mic, high school gym wrestling matches, that's part of your ticket that you get punched for CTE. You got that right. 1.00

02:22:07.000 Look at that!

02:22:09.000 There's the handsome guy.

02:22:10.000 Zach Efron. 1.00

02:22:11.000 Damn. 1.00

02:22:11.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:22:12.000 That's the real family with the dad.

02:22:14.000 It's a tragic family, man.

02:22:16.000 I heard the movie's awesome.

02:22:17.000 I have not seen it.

02:22:18.000 Is that Vader?

02:22:20.000 I was confusing you with the Man with the Iron Fist.

02:22:24.000 No, very different. 0.98

02:22:25.000 Which has got a fucking great soundtrack. 0.98

02:22:27.000 Really well done. 1.00

02:22:28.000 Holy shit, that's a good soundtrack. 0.99

02:22:31.000 Man with the Iron Fist? 0.99

02:22:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:22:32.000 Oh my god, dude.

02:22:34.000 And there's also a Wu-Tang.

02:22:36.000 Spirit in the Sky.

02:22:38.000 Any soundtrack with Spirit in the Sky.

02:22:39.000 There's a Wu-Tang Black Keys collaboration.

02:22:42.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:22:43.000 Really?

02:22:43.000 Yeah, man.

02:22:44.000 The baddest man alive. 0.90

02:22:45.000 The Black Clan.

02:22:46.000 That was Wu-Tang with them?

02:22:48.000 The one song?

02:22:50.000 One of the members of Wu-Tang.

02:22:51.000 Not Inspector Dick.

02:22:53.000 Who was it?

02:22:54.000 RZA. RZA did the whole soundtrack.

02:22:58.000 One of them cut their dick off. 1.00

02:22:59.000 To what? 1.00

02:22:59.000 What? 1.00

02:23:00.000 Yeah, one of the Wu-Tang cut their dick off. 1.00

02:23:03.000 No way. 1.00

02:23:03.000 Yeah, give it a go. 1.00

02:23:05.000 That's not true.

02:23:05.000 Swear to God.

02:23:07.000 Yeah, one of the lesser known associates.

02:23:09.000 Method Woman? 1.00

02:23:12.000 Come on, man.

02:23:13.000 Specter Dickless?

02:23:14.000 Isn't the Jizzle like a master level chess player? 1.00

02:23:17.000 Like a high level chess player?

02:23:19.000 Is that Jizzle anymore? 0.59

02:23:20.000 Not the Rizzle, the Jizzle.

02:23:21.000 I think the Rizzle is too.

02:23:22.000 Oh, I like that.

02:23:23.000 With the Jizzle specifically.

02:23:25.000 Are we listening to music?

02:23:27.000 We can't.

02:23:27.000 We can't play it.

02:23:28.000 Damn, YouTube, you cunt! 1.00

02:23:29.000 I don't want to keep asking. 1.00

02:23:30.000 It's a great...

02:23:31.000 Yeah, that is annoying.

02:23:33.000 Yeah, remember we played a whole Freebird on here.

02:23:36.000 What was that we played?

02:23:37.000 Oh my god, that was Glorious.

02:23:38.000 Glorious!

02:23:39.000 I talked too much.

02:23:40.000 No, you didn't talk too much.

02:23:44.000 Yeah, I read the comments.

02:23:46.000 What's that?

02:23:48.000 Yeah.

02:23:49.000 So you get the comments, you lose the music.

02:23:52.000 Hit it! 1.00

02:23:53.000 There you go, Fetty! 0.98

02:23:54.000 Put it down! 1.00

02:23:56.000 America! 0.92

02:23:57.000 Hell yeah! 1.00

02:23:58.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

02:24:00.000 We need some uncopywritten versions of this song. 0.99

02:24:03.000 Like, call in with a few...

02:24:04.000 But you can't even do a cover! 1.00

02:24:05.000 They'll fucking... 0.99

02:24:06.000 It's a cover's a problem. 1.00

02:24:07.000 They'll nick you.

02:24:08.000 They'll nick you with a cover.

02:24:10.000 I don't know who can take a cover, man.

02:24:13.000 They'll nick you.

02:24:15.000 To steal from ya.

02:24:17.000 I loved, my favorite one was Connor's, when Connor does, when he was talking about you, when, uh...

02:24:22.000 Uh-oh.

02:24:23.000 Khabib.

02:24:24.000 And he was like, that's an illegal me! 1.00

02:24:27.000 Shut up, Joe, you fool ya! 1.00

02:24:31.000 Call the police. 1.00

02:24:33.000 That's an illegal name.

02:24:34.000 Listen, I have to do commentary on the rules.

02:24:38.000 I have to.

02:24:40.000 If someone lands an illegal knee, I have to let the audience know it's illegal.

02:24:43.000 Conor was talking about the...

02:24:45.000 Conor was just fired up.

02:24:47.000 Talking about the commentary?

02:24:48.000 He gets fired up.

02:24:49.000 He gets on Twitter.

02:24:50.000 He gets on voice Twitter.

02:24:52.000 He's the only guy on earth that uses it.

02:24:54.000 I'm in your wife's DMs, Joe. 1.00

02:24:56.000 Shut up, Joe. 1.00

02:24:58.000 You fool ya. 1.00

02:24:59.000 You can't see the springbok. 0.86

02:25:01.000 Remember the Reebok?

02:25:02.000 Well, this is the springbok.

02:25:03.000 Yes, let me hear it.

02:25:04.000 It's so good.

02:25:16.000 Listen, this is my thing.

02:25:18.000 I think not only should it be legal, I think all knees on the ground should be legal, 100%.

02:25:23.000 I think knees to a grounded opponent to the head should be legal. 1.00

02:25:27.000 The only problem with that is the cage.

02:25:28.000 It's the only problem because you can't move your head out of the way.

02:25:31.000 If someone's got your head pinned against the cage and they knee you in the face, that's disastrous.

02:25:36.000 But every other place, I feel like you should be able to knee somebody in the head.

02:25:39.000 On top, on the bottom.

02:25:40.000 It would stop stalling.

02:25:41.000 It would stop people hanging out in the turtle position.

02:25:44.000 You wouldn't be able to.

02:25:45.000 There's a lot of reasons to stop.

02:25:46.000 You should have knees on the ground.

02:25:47.000 So I think what he did 100% should be legal. 0.58

02:25:50.000 If you're on your back and a guy's on top of you, you can knee him in the head.

02:25:53.000 That should be legal. 0.84

02:25:55.000 There you go.

02:25:55.000 There's a significant advantage of being on top.

02:25:57.000 Shut up, Joe. 0.99

02:25:58.000 But you should also be able to knee him in the head if you're on top. 1.00

02:26:01.000 That's like realistic.

02:26:02.000 That's what fighting really is.

02:26:03.000 That was during the Khabib fight?

02:26:04.000 Sure.

02:26:05.000 There's no chance he was on top throwing knees during the Khabib. 0.96

02:26:07.000 No, he was on the bottom.

02:26:08.000 That was the thing.

02:26:09.000 Even on the bottom, it's illegal.

02:26:11.000 Oh, on the bottom you're not allowed?

02:26:11.000 Yeah.

02:26:12.000 Because he's also got a knee on the mat.

02:26:14.000 Exactly.

02:26:15.000 So if a guy's grounded, he's on top of you, inside control, right?

02:26:18.000 So a guy's on top of you, his head is here.

02:26:20.000 If you lift your knee up, you can just slam his knee from here. 0.96

02:26:23.000 You can just slam his knee into your head. 0.95

02:26:25.000 It's illegal.

02:26:26.000 You can't throw a knee or a kick to a grounded opponent in the face.

02:26:31.000 I see.

02:26:32.000 Fire him up, dude.

02:26:33.000 Tell that to Don Fry.

02:26:35.000 Well, in the early days, everything was legal.

02:26:38.000 In Pride, they used to stomp.

02:26:41.000 They used to do soccer kicks and stomps.

02:26:45.000 No, no. 1.00

02:26:46.000 Back before Pride was about fucking dudes. 1.00

02:26:50.000 They love knees. 1.00

02:26:51.000 They're always on the knees.

02:26:53.000 Mark, here's a good question for you, Ari. 0.96

02:26:55.000 Because you're the gayest person here. 1.00

02:26:56.000 I agree. 0.98

02:26:57.000 What do you got? 0.51

02:26:57.000 Who is the gayest person here? 0.51

02:26:59.000 You look like you own a gun range. 0.98

02:27:01.000 Women are swooning over me. 1.00

02:27:02.000 When did Pride...

02:27:04.000 When did Pride become automatically associated with gay?

02:27:08.000 That's a big shift.

02:27:10.000 Oh, interesting.

02:27:10.000 That is.

02:27:10.000 Over UFC. Like, if you just say Pride...

02:27:13.000 First it was MMA, and then it became...

02:27:16.000 Well, it used to be America.

02:27:16.000 It used to be America.

02:27:18.000 It was the first Pride thing.

02:27:19.000 Well, they're called Proud Boys.

02:27:20.000 If you say you had Pride, though, you would say you had Pride in America.

02:27:24.000 Remember that Norm joke about that?

02:27:25.000 Yes!

02:27:26.000 I love that joke.

02:27:28.000 Can I get a little music from you, Mr. Shafir?

02:27:34.000 America!

02:27:36.000 That's the IDF talking.

02:27:38.000 America! 1.00

02:27:39.000 Fuck it! 1.00

02:27:40.000 Stop it again! 1.00

02:27:42.000 Yeah, you took it down there, family.

02:27:45.000 Nice.

02:27:45.000 I pay taxes.

02:27:46.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:27:47.000 I pay taxes. 1.00

02:27:47.000 I live in this country. 1.00

02:27:48.000 All right, easy, migrant. 1.00

02:27:49.000 Taxes, let me. 0.74

02:27:50.000 Let me.

02:27:51.000 Joe, fill us up for Mark. 1.00

02:27:53.000 Have my goddamn beer. 1.00

02:27:54.000 70! 1.00

02:27:56.000 Bro, stay away from that.

02:27:57.000 I got a joke on this.

02:27:58.000 So, in 1970...

02:28:00.000 Stay away from Stonewall, dude. 1.00

02:28:01.000 I got a joke on this.

02:28:02.000 But still, back then... 0.99

02:28:04.000 Gates didn't even have the fucking manhood to defend themselves. 1.00

02:28:06.000 The lesbos took it. 1.00

02:28:07.000 Stay away from Stonewall, dude. 1.00

02:28:08.000 That's my one good joke I got right now.

02:28:09.000 Please.

02:28:10.000 I missed you.

02:28:11.000 I'm moving on.

02:28:12.000 So, 1970. Yep.

02:28:14.000 It was 1970. With Pride.

02:28:16.000 Yeah, but that's when they started calling it Gay Pride.

02:28:18.000 1970. When did it catch on?

02:28:19.000 But the word Pride wasn't synonymous with gay.

02:28:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:28:22.000 Because the gays steal things. 1.00

02:28:24.000 They took the reins. 1.00

02:28:25.000 It was rainbow.

02:28:25.000 They took Pride.

02:28:26.000 Oh, yeah.

02:28:27.000 You ever see the black power speech? 0.97

02:28:29.000 When the guy invented black power? 0.97

02:28:30.000 No.

02:28:31.000 Oh, Martin Luther King took a day off one of the rally campaigns.

02:28:34.000 And this guy was like waiting for the opportunity. 1.00

02:28:36.000 He goes, fuck white power. 1.00

02:28:37.000 Fuck white power. 1.00

02:28:38.000 How about us? 1.00

02:28:38.000 How about black power? 1.00

02:28:39.000 And they all start chanting it. 0.94

02:28:40.000 What?

02:28:41.000 He's such a good speaker.

02:28:42.000 And he goes, it's too late.

02:28:43.000 Who's this guy?

02:28:43.000 Martin Luther King got back.

02:28:44.000 It was too late.

02:28:45.000 It caught on.

02:28:46.000 Who's this guy?

02:28:47.000 I don't know.

02:28:47.000 You made this up?

02:28:49.000 It's possible!

02:28:50.000 I don't think I did.

02:28:51.000 I don't think I did.

02:28:52.000 This is how Flat Earth got started.

02:28:56.000 They speak confidently. 0.88

02:28:58.000 They say a bunch of nonsense.

02:28:59.000 It's 50-50.

02:29:00.000 Both that I made it up and it's 100% truth.

02:29:02.000 I can't tell you. 0.99

02:29:04.000 I wish we had the fucking internet. 0.99

02:29:06.000 I wish we had Fred Hampton give a speech, dude. 0.99

02:29:09.000 I want to get the people going.

02:29:10.000 I am a revolutionary.

02:29:14.000 I die for the people.

02:29:16.000 Did you ever see this deleted scene from Forrest Gump since we were just talking about that?

02:29:19.000 Oh, yeah.

02:29:20.000 What is this?

02:29:21.000 No, this is wild, dude.

02:29:22.000 It's Forrest Gump was hanging out with Martin Luther King?

02:29:25.000 Yeah, they had to get rid of this scene, but it's good.

02:29:27.000 Smart.

02:29:27.000 Smart move.

02:29:28.000 There's no sound on this for some reason.

02:29:29.000 Why did they have to get rid of this?

02:29:31.000 Well, they raised the kid.

02:29:32.000 He's playing...

02:29:34.000 They just had to cut for time.

02:29:35.000 You see, he comes over, all the dogs are trying to attack him, and he, like, gets a stick, and he throws it. 0.94

02:29:39.000 It's too ridiculous.

02:29:41.000 I'm like, sorry about that. 0.95

02:29:43.000 It's too ridiculous. 0.97

02:29:43.000 Oh, my God, that's so ridiculous. 0.97

02:29:51.000 Whoa! 1.00

02:29:51.000 They would have torn him to shreds. 1.00

02:29:54.000 Oh, he would have had zero chance staying alive.

02:29:57.000 He would have had no skin left.

02:30:00.000 That's actually offensive.

02:30:02.000 What?

02:30:02.000 This?

02:30:03.000 I think even back then they were like, we gotta cut that. 0.99

02:30:05.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.70

02:30:08.000 All they had to do was toss the stick back and civil rights would have been accomplished. 1.00

02:30:11.000 I'm willing to buy that he's awesome at ping pong.

02:30:14.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:30:15.000 I will go that far.

02:30:17.000 They cut it. 0.95

02:30:18.000 It was ridiculous in the right way.

02:30:19.000 I'm a great actor. 0.85

02:30:20.000 I will go that far with Ping Pong.

02:30:21.000 You can't tell me that no one from the African-American community could have figured that out.

02:30:29.000 No dude was good at dogs.

02:30:31.000 Hold on a second. 0.99

02:30:31.000 He has a rapist uncle? 0.99

02:30:33.000 What is this? 1.00

02:30:34.000 From Home Alone.

02:30:37.000 Oh! 0.60

02:30:41.000 That's funny.

02:30:42.000 That's a Michael Jackson scene.

02:30:43.000 You can't do that anymore.

02:30:45.000 There's so much implied.

02:30:47.000 This is like day one.

02:30:48.000 You can't pants a kid? 0.65

02:30:50.000 Not these days anymore.

02:30:53.000 That's crazy.

02:30:54.000 I've been pantsing kids my whole childhood. 1.00

02:30:58.000 That balding old man who has zero chance at pussy can't pants kids. 1.00

02:31:04.000 If you can't do it, Mark can do it. 1.00

02:31:06.000 If you're bald, you can't pants kids.

02:31:10.000 It's the way he looks.

02:31:12.000 Listen to me, this is very important.

02:31:16.000 The odds of a woman choosing that guy over anybody are very small.

02:31:20.000 Forget women love competency, Joe. 0.98

02:31:23.000 And obviously not competent. 1.00

02:31:24.000 He's wearing a fucking vest. 1.00

02:31:26.000 What if he's a beast, dude? 1.00

02:31:27.000 I doubt he is. 1.00

02:31:28.000 This is a crazy person. 0.99

02:31:30.000 Look at his grimace as he pantses him. 1.00

02:31:32.000 A crazy person as hard as a rock while he's tormenting a child. 1.00

02:31:38.000 This is a fucking creep with two terabytes of kiddie porn on his fucking hard drive. 1.00

02:31:45.000 That dude runs a Discord server. 1.00

02:31:48.000 That was originally people looking at AI child porn.

02:31:51.000 That was supposed to be Kevin Spacey.

02:31:53.000 He didn't get the role.

02:31:54.000 Not in real life.

02:31:55.000 The real guy is, you know, it's an actor, it's a movie, it's a different time.

02:31:58.000 I'm just joking.

02:31:59.000 Yeah, that was 92. But if that was a real human that was alone with a little kid and that's your move?

02:32:06.000 Not like tell this little, hey Bobby, wanna know what I do for a living?

02:32:10.000 Who is that guy?

02:32:11.000 That's not his dad. 0.99

02:32:12.000 That's some fucking creepy dude he got stuck with. 1.00

02:32:15.000 You get stuck with this fucking 50-year-old incel who wants to pants you and then go jerk off to his Discord server. 1.00

02:32:23.000 It's psycho. 1.00

02:32:24.000 That guy's a psycho. 1.00

02:32:26.000 That guy's a straight-up psycho tormenting a young child who is so vulnerable. 1.00

02:32:31.000 He can't do anything. 0.99

02:32:32.000 I would pants my nephew. 0.65

02:32:34.000 I'd get a knife. 0.99

02:32:35.000 If that guy pantsed me, I'd get a knife. 1.00

02:32:38.000 You'd get a knife, and the next time he pantsed me, I'm going to take him. 1.00

02:32:41.000 You'd cut him. 1.00

02:32:42.000 That fucking guy would do a fish in that canoe trip. 1.00

02:32:45.000 He came close. 1.00

02:32:46.000 He tried.

02:32:47.000 That's what his goal was.

02:32:48.000 I think it was the opposite.

02:32:49.000 Me deep-throating him.

02:32:51.000 I had a little tiny knife back then.

02:32:53.000 It would have probably taken it away from me. 0.99

02:32:55.000 I had a little fucking Swiss Army knife. 1.00

02:32:58.000 One of those little bitch-ass knives. 1.00

02:32:59.000 You would have cut him? 1.00

02:33:00.000 A hundred.

02:33:00.000 100%.

02:33:01.000 Come on.

02:33:01.000 I was vulnerable, man.

02:33:03.000 This guy was a weird dude.

02:33:04.000 Just get a precocked. 0.98

02:33:05.000 He's telling me you love me.

02:33:05.000 Get a precocked and get ready to go.

02:33:07.000 These headphones are doing nothing!

02:33:08.000 I had my hand on a knife.

02:33:10.000 What? 0.85

02:33:10.000 You ever get sexually assaulted by a man? 0.85

02:33:12.000 You were in a very serious religious group.

02:33:14.000 January, but it was different.

02:33:16.000 That was the L trend. 0.93

02:33:18.000 Ari, Ari, Ari. 0.82

02:33:18.000 What happened to you in the tunnel? 0.82

02:33:20.000 Oh yeah!

02:33:22.000 It's storage space.

02:33:23.000 It's just storage space.

02:33:26.000 Why does it have to be sex trafficking? 1.00

02:33:28.000 What about this shit-smeared bloody mattress? 1.00

02:33:31.000 That's a Snopes! 1.00

02:33:34.000 That's a snow!

02:33:35.000 That's a snow!

02:33:36.000 That's a snow!

02:33:38.000 Let's give it a goob! 1.00

02:33:39.000 You won't look at the Black Power speech, but you won't look at the fucking Jew tunnels! 1.00

02:33:42.000 Give it a goob! 1.00

02:33:43.000 This guy's not a journalist.

02:33:44.000 There's one fake one that you guys made.

02:33:47.000 About the tunnels?

02:33:48.000 Yeah, you could be like, that's AI. I don't know why the acidic Jewish community literally won't just make a statement. 1.00

02:33:53.000 Just be like, hey, here's what it is. 0.92

02:33:55.000 Well, the Jewish communities aren't responsible for, like, one psycho who made a tunnel.

02:33:59.000 That synagogue should say something.

02:34:01.000 That wasn't one guy, brother.

02:34:03.000 One thousand guys.

02:34:05.000 Dude, there's so many towns you guys don't even know about.

02:34:07.000 Definitely.

02:34:08.000 They go all the way to Cleveland.

02:34:10.000 Wow.

02:34:11.000 There's a lot of tunnels.

02:34:11.000 Come on.

02:34:12.000 Hey, now that we're talking about the Jews, how much do you guys control the weather for real? 1.00

02:34:17.000 It's not like that, dude.

02:34:18.000 You can guide it.

02:34:19.000 Well, couldn't you help the forest fires in L.A.? You can't go from like 85 to like 60. If it's 78, you can go to 82. All right.

02:34:28.000 Pretty good.

02:34:29.000 No one's listening but me and you.

02:34:31.000 Okay.

02:34:31.000 Why was the smoke orange?

02:34:35.000 Just in New York and not in Toronto.

02:34:37.000 What did your people do?

02:34:38.000 What are you, burning foreskins? 1.00

02:34:39.000 Was it you guys or was it the CIA? Who burnt the fucking chemicals and made the fucking sky orange? 1.00

02:34:46.000 That's a lot of menorah candles. 1.00

02:34:47.000 There's gotta be a Jews made the sky orange. 1.00

02:34:49.000 These are the type of conspiracies that distract.

02:34:52.000 Air quality similar to Bay Area's 2020 orange sky.

02:34:56.000 Bay also has a lot of Jews and Asians. 0.91

02:34:59.000 It's super similar to when the Bay Area had fires right next door where you could see the fucking flames and it turned the sky orange. 0.98

02:35:06.000 Super similar to a place where the fire is thousands of miles away. 0.95

02:35:14.000 Super fucking similar to the flames that caused the gray to look red. 1.00

02:35:21.000 The fucking flames. 1.00

02:35:23.000 Trudeau. 1.00

02:35:23.000 Super similar. 1.00

02:35:27.000 Let's see that boy again.

02:35:27.000 Oh, it says air quality.

02:35:28.000 I'm sorry.

02:35:29.000 I misread it.

02:35:30.000 It said air quality.

02:35:31.000 Yeah, the air quality is real similar.

02:35:32.000 I thought they were talking about the sky color.

02:35:35.000 I'm sorry.

02:35:36.000 I'm sorry.

02:35:36.000 I got carried away.

02:35:38.000 I blame Protect Our Parks and Bud Light.

02:35:40.000 I think these types of theories distract from when we sit around and talk about controlling the weather and stuff, it distracts from actual what you guys are, you know.

02:35:51.000 What are you really up to in the temple?

02:35:53.000 What have you guys done?

02:35:55.000 No, no, no.

02:35:56.000 What have you guys done to the trans kids?

02:36:03.000 Weinstein, Epstein, Badoff.

02:36:05.000 What have you done?

02:36:05.000 Quite a list.

02:36:06.000 False! 0.97

02:36:10.000 Okay, what were we fucking Googling? 0.98

02:36:13.000 Mattress. 0.95

02:36:15.000 Oh, the description in this post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery, which was reported to police by synagogue officials.

02:36:23.000 Wait, wait a minute.

02:36:24.000 The synagogue officials?

02:36:27.000 You want to disbelieve it.

02:36:28.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

02:36:29.000 You don't want to believe in a fucking realistic explanation. 0.99

02:36:31.000 Look what this says. 0.99

02:36:32.000 Who wrote it?

02:36:33.000 Scroll up.

02:36:34.000 Scroll up.

02:36:34.000 It must not be true.

02:36:35.000 Let's examine the author.

02:36:36.000 Who wrote it?

02:36:37.000 Please.

02:36:38.000 Please.

02:36:39.000 For the audience.

02:36:41.000 For the audience.

02:36:42.000 USA Today is the article.

02:36:45.000 But let me be clear. 0.99

02:36:46.000 Go back to the fucking thing I was reading. 0.99

02:36:48.000 Hannah wrote this? 1.00

02:36:49.000 Okay.

02:36:50.000 It says...

02:36:51.000 The description in this post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery, which was reported to police by synagogue officials.

02:37:01.000 Did they report the tunnel?

02:37:03.000 Is that what they're saying?

02:37:03.000 Because that's not real.

02:37:04.000 I don't know who reported it.

02:37:05.000 There's no actual reports on what how it is.

02:37:07.000 People saw Jews coming out of the ground, and they were like, hey! 1.00

02:37:11.000 I've been a bit about it.

02:37:12.000 I've been a bit about it. 1.00

02:37:13.000 Is this a fucking movie? 0.99

02:37:16.000 City official? 1.00

02:37:17.000 City officials said there was one tunnel, not a series of tunnels.

02:37:22.000 Incorrect.

02:37:23.000 All the way to Cleveland.

02:37:25.000 I'm telling you.

02:37:26.000 All the way to Cleveland.

02:37:26.000 Cleveland.

02:37:27.000 I want to be clear.

02:37:29.000 The Protect Our Parks actual Jew. 1.00

02:37:32.000 All the way to Cleveland.

02:37:33.000 It was adjacent to the synagogue, not under it. 1.00

02:37:37.000 It wasn't under it, you fucking liars. 0.99

02:37:40.000 Mattresses shown in the viral video came from behind wood paneling inside the synagogue, not from the tunnel. 1.00

02:37:48.000 It's amazing how everybody wants to go to underage sex trafficking. 1.00

02:37:51.000 You idiots! 1.00

02:37:51.000 It's from behind the synagogue! 1.00

02:37:53.000 Kanye was right!

02:37:54.000 It's not related to the tunnel, guys!

02:37:57.000 It was underage sex trafficking.

02:37:59.000 Easily.

02:38:00.000 Everybody goes straight to that every time.

02:38:02.000 It's so funny. 1.00

02:38:03.000 What house was the tunnel for, you fucking dumbass? 1.00

02:38:06.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:38:07.000 Couldn't be storage space in Manhattan.

02:38:09.000 But hold on, guys.

02:38:09.000 Guys, guys, guys.

02:38:10.000 Storage for what?

02:38:12.000 But guys!

02:38:12.000 So much!

02:38:13.000 Guys!

02:38:14.000 Look how crazy this is saying.

02:38:18.000 The mattress is real!

02:38:20.000 This blood-stained mattress is still real. 0.99

02:38:23.000 Who gives a fuck if it was 12 feet to the left? 0.98

02:38:26.000 So it's in the synagogue, but it's not in a tunnel that's under the synagogue? 1.00

02:38:31.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

02:38:33.000 This is crazy. 1.00

02:38:34.000 You got a mattress.

02:38:35.000 It was in the garbage.

02:38:37.000 It's right there.

02:38:39.000 It's not right there!

02:38:41.000 I don't get it.

02:38:42.000 What's the blood from, though?

02:38:44.000 Why the blood?

02:38:44.000 Okay.

02:38:45.000 Chicks! 1.00

02:38:46.000 I see. 0.90

02:38:48.000 Menstrual?

02:38:48.000 This is his last part.

02:38:49.000 Last part says an unverified video...

02:38:52.000 Chicks! 1.00

02:38:53.000 It's every month with them!

02:38:54.000 Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari. 0.89

02:38:56.000 Slow down.

02:38:56.000 Look at the end of it.

02:38:57.000 It says an unverified video shows what appears to be a high chair.

02:39:01.000 But it shows only one such seat.

02:39:04.000 Little kids.

02:39:05.000 And it was located amid trash, clutter and dirt in a basement room, not in a tunnel.

02:39:12.000 There you go.

02:39:13.000 So it's there, not 12 feet to the right.

02:39:16.000 The whole thing is so crazy.

02:39:19.000 No, that wasn't in the tunnel. 0.99

02:39:20.000 That was in the other shit that we discovered when we figured out we had a tunnel. 0.99

02:39:22.000 We don't throw things out! 0.99

02:39:25.000 Someone else might need a high chair in two weeks. 0.98

02:39:27.000 I thought you'd just sell it.

02:39:29.000 Just clean it up.

02:39:30.000 Yeah, sell it for later.

02:39:31.000 Just save it.

02:39:32.000 Why chuck it?

02:39:33.000 We might need it.

02:39:34.000 When it's Catholics, I'm like, yeah, for sure. 1.00

02:39:36.000 Oh, confrontation began over an attempt to fill in the tunnel.

02:39:41.000 Why would you fill it in once it's already built?

02:39:43.000 Just regulate it.

02:39:45.000 Yeah, build a subway.

02:39:46.000 But isn't it crazy though?

02:39:48.000 But you're allowed to have a basement, you can't have a tunnel.

02:39:50.000 You can't have an attic, can't have a tunnel.

02:39:52.000 You have a secret room, that's fine.

02:39:53.000 No tunnels.

02:39:54.000 You gotta do it up to code.

02:39:55.000 The best of the guy was like, I heard everybody complain.

02:39:58.000 You have a tunnel in there?

02:39:59.000 I have a tunnel in my club.

02:40:00.000 Where?

02:40:00.000 When you go into the audience.

02:40:02.000 We need a real tunnel.

02:40:03.000 Alright, that wasn't real.

02:40:04.000 We're under the ground.

02:40:06.000 Listen, Shane Gillis.

02:40:07.000 The what?

02:40:07.000 I don't go in tunnels.

02:40:09.000 Shane Gillis, when you think about the architecture of my club.

02:40:12.000 It was not real.

02:40:12.000 It's a secret tunnel.

02:40:13.000 Obviously it's a secret tunnel.

02:40:13.000 When you go inside and you go downstairs, you're under everything.

02:40:17.000 You're under the street.

02:40:18.000 You're in a tunnel.

02:40:19.000 You feel at home there.

02:40:21.000 You do.

02:40:22.000 That tunnels was nuts.

02:40:23.000 Don't you?

02:40:24.000 You like tunnels.

02:40:26.000 The thing with the guy saying I heard Jews was not real?

02:40:30.000 I'm going to put a stained mattress in the tunnel so you can see it when you get up to the stage.

02:40:35.000 Right next to the stage.

02:40:36.000 You're like, no worries, Ari.

02:40:38.000 It's just a stained mattress.

02:40:39.000 It's not even in the real tunnel. 0.99

02:40:41.000 They were throwing it out, you fucking QAnon people! 1.00

02:40:44.000 Yeah, they were throwing it out by leaving it out. 1.00

02:40:46.000 It's the rubbish! 1.00

02:40:47.000 Duffed into a dark corner of their fucking building. 1.00

02:40:50.000 Yeah, throwing it out. 1.00

02:40:52.000 Dude, you don't know what it's like. 0.99

02:40:53.000 Eventually, when I get done fucking people on this mattress. 0.99

02:40:56.000 They find an old t-shirt. 0.99

02:40:57.000 They're like, well, somebody, we should find somebody who could use it.

02:40:59.000 Let's not throw it away. 0.99

02:41:00.000 Somebody wants a shit-stained mattress. 0.99

02:41:02.000 Oh, look at that! 1.00

02:41:02.000 That's a gay squirter. 1.00

02:41:05.000 That's a gay squirter. 1.00

02:41:06.000 That's an enema. 0.99

02:41:07.000 That's an enema release.

02:41:09.000 Whoa.

02:41:10.000 What's with the wigs, by the way?

02:41:12.000 With the ladies?

02:41:13.000 It's, you're not attractive.

02:41:14.000 That's how to do it.

02:41:15.000 Wear a wig and a costume.

02:41:17.000 Today you're gonna be a gypsy. 1.00

02:41:21.000 They threw out a high chair and everyone's like, underage sex trafficking. 0.99

02:41:23.000 Tomorrow you're a leprechaun. 0.94

02:41:26.000 Every day you're a different thing.

02:41:27.000 I'm so bored.

02:41:28.000 Listen, I want you to bake pies and dress up.

02:41:32.000 Tonight you're a squirrel.

02:41:34.000 What? 0.99

02:41:34.000 You're a Jew. 0.99

02:41:35.000 I mean, how do you feel about the Jew hate right now?

02:41:37.000 I don't see any of it.

02:41:38.000 Come on.

02:41:38.000 I think it's all internet related.

02:41:39.000 If you go to Palestine, you will 100% fucking see it. 1.00

02:41:43.000 If I went to a very specific region of the world, yes, I might be. 0.98

02:41:47.000 Online, it's more emboldened.

02:41:48.000 Is it not?

02:41:49.000 Yes.

02:41:49.000 But I'm in New York and all over the country and really the world, and I've never seen any.

02:41:54.000 I've not been all over the world since October 7th.

02:41:56.000 I've been all over the country. 1.00

02:41:57.000 I've never seen a single thing in my real life, so I think you've got to shut your computers off and live your fucking life. 1.00

02:42:01.000 Go on hiking. 0.99

02:42:02.000 But isn't it what we talked about, about reading comments?

02:42:05.000 It's that. 1.00

02:42:06.000 They're shoving the worst shit in front of you all the time. 1.00

02:42:08.000 So you think that's the world. 1.00

02:42:09.000 It's not the world.

02:42:10.000 I'm the Jewiest looking guy in the world. 0.98

02:42:12.000 If there was any fucking antisemitism, statistically realistic, it would come to me. 0.97

02:42:18.000 I want to send you as a correspondent for the JRE to go to the Free Palestine protests. 0.99

02:42:23.000 I'll go to that.

02:42:25.000 You should go to that.

02:42:26.000 I'll try to blend in. 0.76

02:42:27.000 That nose is so punchable.

02:42:29.000 Nah, I couldn't.

02:42:29.000 That nose is so punchable.

02:42:31.000 It's such a target, even for hooks.

02:42:33.000 Oh my gosh, everyone could do so much damage. 0.98

02:42:36.000 You're talking about Jew, you're a Jew, Jew face, super Jewish guy. 0.97

02:42:40.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.86

02:42:41.000 Never had a problem.

02:42:42.000 Would you say that goes to everything?

02:42:44.000 Black people are not that preyed upon.

02:42:47.000 100%. 0.64

02:42:47.000 Almost everybody. 0.64

02:42:48.000 Gays are not that preyed upon.

02:42:48.000 Me and his friend Dave Marshall had the same thing.

02:42:50.000 Just imagine all these terrible things happening.

02:42:52.000 When day-to-day life, 99.9% is fun, everyone just enjoying the weather at the same time.

02:42:57.000 No, if you're everybody.

02:42:59.000 Nate said the same thing to me.

02:43:00.000 You get clicks.

02:43:01.000 It's just like, oh, I'm in fear of all this stuff happening.

02:43:03.000 Depends who you talk to.

02:43:04.000 If you're online more, everything's terrible.

02:43:07.000 But if you're in the south side of Chicago where violent crime and murder is higher than it is in Afghanistan at the peak of the invasion, then that's not real.

02:43:16.000 I guess so, but I'm not there.

02:43:17.000 So what you're saying, imagine this terrible place.

02:43:19.000 No, you don't have to imagine it.

02:43:21.000 But I'm just saying, if you make a blanket statement that everybody's life is...

02:43:26.000 Less terrible than what you're seeing in the media.

02:43:29.000 Almost everybody.

02:43:31.000 Statistically insignificant.

02:43:32.000 If you just shut off your computer, you wouldn't see any anti-black hatred, anti-anti-Jewish, none of it.

02:43:38.000 Just go out and go for a hike.

02:43:40.000 Everybody's pretty cool with each other.

02:43:41.000 If you're talking about hatred, yes, that's true. 0.99

02:43:43.000 You can go find it in small things on college campuses on a day.

02:43:47.000 And wouldn't we all agree that most hatred is rooted in you just don't know that person?

02:43:51.000 Yeah, yeah, even that.

02:43:51.000 And you've got to understand them.

02:43:53.000 You'd be pretty cool.

02:43:54.000 Yeah.

02:43:55.000 And all...

02:43:55.000 SNL was pretty chill.

02:43:56.000 Yeah.

02:43:57.000 And you're like, guess what? 0.51

02:43:57.000 I hate them. 0.51

02:43:58.000 And you're like, nah.

02:43:59.000 You know what else is pretty chill? 1.00

02:44:00.000 Bud Light coming out of an eagle's asshole. 1.00

02:44:02.000 And I'd say that... 1.00

02:44:04.000 Bud Light rocks. 1.00

02:44:05.000 Bud Light coming out of an eagle's asshole is even better than regular Bud Light. 1.00

02:44:09.000 Bud Light coming out of an asshole. 1.00

02:44:11.000 Of an eagle? 1.00

02:44:12.000 Of an eagle.

02:44:12.000 Of American Eagle?

02:44:13.000 This is what you're doing.

02:44:14.000 America does rule. 1.00

02:44:15.000 You're felching a fucking American Eagle. 1.00

02:44:18.000 Damn, we're not even allowed to show that cool America's number one video that we always share in the group chat? 1.00

02:44:22.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:44:23.000 Can we just play that and see what happens? 1.00

02:44:25.000 Do it!

02:44:26.000 You gotta do it like this.

02:44:28.000 And... 0.98

02:44:29.000 I think the fact that we can say shit online, but you don't get any repercussions has added a lot. 0.98

02:44:36.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

02:44:36.000 You used to get beat up. 0.99

02:44:38.000 You say horrible, crazy things.

02:44:39.000 It's all fine.

02:44:40.000 It's all fine.

02:44:41.000 Life's great.

02:44:42.000 You mean this place?

02:44:43.000 This place here.

02:44:44.000 Us?

02:44:44.000 Everything.

02:44:44.000 I'm saying in general, you can say shit online, you say mean shit, and you'll never have a repercussion.

02:44:50.000 I think that adds to a lot of it. 1.00

02:44:52.000 It's all virtual.

02:44:53.000 It's all nonsense.

02:44:54.000 People are saying this.

02:44:55.000 No one's saying it.

02:44:56.000 They're posting these things.

02:44:58.000 They're posting mean things.

02:44:59.000 They would never say that in an elevator.

02:45:01.000 Never.

02:45:01.000 Never happens.

02:45:02.000 But they would say it online.

02:45:03.000 It's segmented tribalism.

02:45:06.000 We're so tribal.

02:45:07.000 It's all tribalism. 1.00

02:45:09.000 It's all stupid. 1.00

02:45:10.000 It's stupid. 1.00

02:45:11.000 And it's also if you have fucking social media, you have this ability to fucking isolate groups of people or attack groups of people. 1.00

02:45:18.000 It's so fucking dumb. 1.00

02:45:19.000 In the real world, most people get along if there's communication. 1.00

02:45:23.000 And it's a lot of optics.

02:45:24.000 And they're cool.

02:45:25.000 If you're cool in this communication, everybody's cool.

02:45:27.000 It just got warm in New York on a day.

02:45:29.000 High six.

02:45:30.000 There's no left and right.

02:45:32.000 There's no high class, low class.

02:45:33.000 What a good day.

02:45:35.000 There's no right. 1.00

02:45:36.000 How many dicks did you suck that day? 1.00

02:45:39.000 Seven or eight. 1.00

02:45:40.000 But they were from both sides.

02:45:41.000 From all sides of the galley.

02:45:43.000 I feel like that was what was next.

02:45:44.000 New York's.

02:45:46.000 It doesn't matter.

02:45:47.000 Oh, dude, the Upper East Side is right.

02:45:50.000 Where do you live?

02:45:51.000 The Upper West is right.

02:45:53.000 What do you mean, right?

02:45:54.000 Oh, they're dudes.

02:45:55.000 Economically, they're right.

02:45:57.000 Oh, yeah.

02:45:57.000 But they're quiet.

02:45:58.000 They're salty.

02:45:59.000 They love them.

02:46:00.000 Yeah, fired up.

02:46:00.000 We got everything there.

02:46:01.000 Let's just hit it, dude.

02:46:02.000 Who cares about the drugs?

02:46:04.000 God, America's right.

02:46:05.000 Ah, you sent me that once a month.

02:46:09.000 And then in?

02:46:10.000 Listen, this is the best place to be.

02:46:11.000 Despite all the chaos.

02:46:13.000 The chaos exists in the world.

02:46:14.000 We just talked about Scotland trying to arrest comedians.

02:46:17.000 I know, it's so easy here.

02:46:18.000 It's great. 0.72

02:46:19.000 These did Sean Connery hitting women. 0.94

02:46:21.000 Those were the days. 1.00

02:46:22.000 We didn't talk about that fucking guy in Belgium. 1.00

02:46:24.000 Jamie, show the memes so these guys could see the shit that this guy was sharing. 1.00

02:46:28.000 Gerard Depardieu? 1.00

02:46:29.000 The memes are fucking so innocuous. 0.99

02:46:32.000 They're so nothing. 0.97

02:46:32.000 They didn't even come close to the memes we share. 0.97

02:46:35.000 Oh my god.

02:46:36.000 Arrested?

02:46:37.000 You know why? 1.00

02:46:38.000 Because America rules it memes too, bitch. 1.00

02:46:41.000 America's number one. 1.00

02:46:41.000 You can keep shitting on America when everybody's trying to move things. 1.00

02:46:44.000 So what does that tell you? 0.99

02:46:46.000 What?

02:46:47.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:46:48.000 Well, everybody keeps coming here.

02:46:49.000 Exactly.

02:46:50.000 You sound like my uncle 15 years ago.

02:46:53.000 I'm just saying.

02:46:53.000 People are coming here.

02:46:54.000 You're talking about my grandparents.

02:46:57.000 Yeah, mine too.

02:46:57.000 I'm second generation.

02:46:59.000 Sicilian. 1.00

02:46:59.000 Who's talking shit on America like that? 1.00

02:47:02.000 All kinds of locals. 1.00

02:47:04.000 No, no.

02:47:04.000 Just online.

02:47:05.000 Shut it off.

02:47:06.000 No one's really doing that.

02:47:06.000 Everybody knows we're number one.

02:47:08.000 Well, how about the, I'm going to leave if this guy wins.

02:47:10.000 You're like, that's my favorite.

02:47:11.000 But you're not going to leave.

02:47:11.000 Yeah, but they don't ever leave.

02:47:12.000 They never leave.

02:47:13.000 Because it's great.

02:47:14.000 We got Chipotle.

02:47:15.000 Everything except PTO. We're bad in that.

02:47:17.000 Maybe this time they'll go to Canada where it's a thousand times worse.

02:47:20.000 Yeah.

02:47:20.000 Maybe this time.

02:47:22.000 How would you like to live in Minnesota if it was fucking gayer? 1.00

02:47:25.000 Welcome to fucking Canada. 1.00

02:47:28.000 Right. 1.00

02:47:29.000 Right.

02:47:29.000 Gayer and colder.

02:47:30.000 Imagine Minnesota, but not cool at all. 1.00

02:47:33.000 Just gay. 1.00

02:47:34.000 Yeah, no Somalians. 1.00

02:47:35.000 Yeah.

02:47:36.000 Unless Trudeau's on Halloween.

02:47:37.000 He's got the right wine.

02:47:38.000 Bro, they might get rid of that dude.

02:47:39.000 If they do, they can pull it around.

02:47:41.000 Who?

02:47:42.000 Trudeau.

02:47:43.000 Oh.

02:47:43.000 That Pierre Polivet?

02:47:45.000 How do you say it?

02:47:45.000 He's pretty sexy, that guy.

02:47:47.000 Polivet? 0.96

02:47:47.000 Did I say it right? 0.96

02:47:48.000 No, I didn't.

02:47:50.000 He's very French.

02:47:51.000 Let's also be honest, dude.

02:47:52.000 He's brilliant.

02:47:53.000 He's smart. 1.00

02:47:54.000 We've been trashing Canada because of how gay Trudeau is, but Canada does fucking rock. 1.00

02:47:58.000 Canada rules in the summer. 1.00

02:48:00.000 Canada's one of the old times. 0.51

02:48:01.000 Oh, you pissing in there? 1.00

02:48:04.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:48:05.000 He's pissing in Bud Light Canada's dirty bitch. 1.00

02:48:09.000 Make this part of your new campaign where I piss in bottles. 1.00

02:48:12.000 Try to ruin my campaign, you little nasty motherfuckers. 1.00

02:48:15.000 Piss in that whiskey. 1.00

02:48:16.000 Don't piss in that. 0.99

02:48:17.000 Get a bottle. 0.99

02:48:19.000 Piss in it. 0.97

02:48:20.000 No, don't piss in the bottle that's half full. 1.00

02:48:22.000 Someone might drink it, you monster. 0.99

02:48:24.000 Don't make it taste better. 0.99

02:48:27.000 Get a bottle.

02:48:29.000 Online. 0.74

02:48:30.000 Piss in it.

02:48:31.000 But yeah.

02:48:33.000 Toronto's a fun town, and Vancouver's fun.

02:48:37.000 Good crowds.

02:48:38.000 Good crowds, good chicks, good drugs. 1.00

02:48:40.000 Everything rules in Canada. 0.98

02:48:40.000 If you bring up Trudeau, though, they go apeshit. 0.98

02:48:42.000 Who brings up the government? 0.87

02:48:44.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

02:48:46.000 Everywhere I go, if I go to Canada, I'm like, fuck Trudeau. 0.99

02:48:50.000 I don't go to Canada. 1.00

02:48:51.000 I do.

02:48:52.000 Pisses the line, right? 1.00

02:48:53.000 I say, fuck Trudeau. 1.00

02:48:54.000 They get fired up. 1.00

02:48:55.000 The truckers hate him.

02:48:56.000 The truckers hate him.

02:48:57.000 Regular people hate him.

02:48:59.000 Historically, Canada is a good country.

02:49:00.000 They go hard, dude.

02:49:01.000 They're nice people.

02:49:02.000 They were a D-Day. 1.00

02:49:03.000 They were a fucking D-Day. 1.00

02:49:03.000 That's why they're so subject to this bullshit. 1.00

02:49:06.000 Because they're trying to be nice. 1.00

02:49:08.000 That's why they're so vulnerable.

02:49:09.000 Because they're trying to be nice.

02:49:10.000 Because they're genuinely nice people.

02:49:12.000 Sorry. 0.50

02:49:13.000 It's cold as fuck up there. 0.71

02:49:15.000 People cooperate. 0.95

02:49:16.000 They're nice.

02:49:17.000 Alright, I'm gonna get fired up.

02:49:18.000 Uh-oh.

02:49:18.000 Get fired up!

02:49:19.000 Uh-oh.

02:49:20.000 Hold on.

02:49:21.000 Uh-oh.

02:49:21.000 Hold on.

02:49:22.000 Easy, big fella. 0.78

02:49:23.000 No, they're not that fired up.

02:49:24.000 Fire up! 0.87

02:49:25.000 I might be dumb and wrong, but those are one of those countries that, like, the UK, like, when they go to war, which they always do, they always call on the bros. 0.95

02:49:34.000 It's always Scotland. 0.97

02:49:36.000 Canada, Australia, all the dominions that are just like settler white people. 0.98

02:49:41.000 We've been making money for you all these years.

02:49:43.000 When they call on Australia and Canada to go to war, they go to war, dude, and they go hard.

02:49:49.000 They've always gone hard.

02:49:51.000 Canada rules. 0.66

02:49:52.000 Historically, Canada rules.

02:49:54.000 Historically?

02:49:55.000 Yeah. 0.94

02:49:55.000 Right now they're being gay. 0.94

02:49:57.000 I think Banff is the same as it's always been. 0.71

02:49:59.000 Canada has a fantastic history of combat sports athletes.

02:50:03.000 Solid chick hockey players.

02:50:04.000 And comedians.

02:50:05.000 Rory?

02:50:06.000 Yeah.

02:50:06.000 Norm Macdonald.

02:50:08.000 Norm.

02:50:08.000 The other guy.

02:50:09.000 Jim Carrey.

02:50:10.000 Yeah.

02:50:11.000 Those donuts.

02:50:12.000 Great donuts.

02:50:13.000 Tim Hortons' rules.

02:50:15.000 Listen, there was a guy in the 1980s.

02:50:19.000 Whistler's awesome.

02:50:19.000 There was a guy in the 1980s, there was a French-Canadian named Jean-Nives Theriault.

02:50:25.000 And he was a fucking assassin in kickboxing. 0.99

02:50:29.000 He was the man. 1.00

02:50:31.000 What about St. Pierre or whatever?

02:50:33.000 Yeah, but I'm talking about the 1980s.

02:50:35.000 There was a guy named Jean...

02:50:36.000 It's not related at all, Mark.

02:50:39.000 He's not even close to related. 0.99

02:50:41.000 This is like, shut up! 0.99

02:50:42.000 This is like kickboxing in the 19-fucking-80s. 1.00

02:50:45.000 I read this guy's book. 0.92

02:50:47.000 I started running stairs because of this.

02:50:49.000 You read a kickboxer's book?

02:50:50.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:50:51.000 Are you dumb as fuck? 1.00

02:50:54.000 I'm dumb as fuck. 1.00

02:50:55.000 I've read about 30 kickboxer's books. 1.00

02:50:59.000 Every kickboxer's book that anybody ever wrote, I read. 1.00

02:51:03.000 I did sit-ups, and then I kicked that guy in the fucking head. 0.99

02:51:07.000 That would be a dumb fat dude's interpretation of what a world-class combat sport athlete would tell you what to do. 1.00

02:51:18.000 That's a nasty thing to say, dude. 0.99

02:51:20.000 That's true. 0.99

02:51:21.000 What a disgusting thing you just said. 0.85

02:51:22.000 When's the last time you read Steinbeck? 1.00

02:51:24.000 You're reading fucking GSB's book. 0.99

02:51:26.000 I was in high school. 1.00

02:51:27.000 You're reading fucking retard camouflage books. 1.00

02:51:30.000 I haven't read these books since I was like 21. You're forced to. 1.00

02:51:33.000 But from the time I was 15...

02:51:34.000 No, I did it because I was trying... 0.99

02:51:36.000 The same reason I got this stupid tattoo on my right arm of Miyamoto Musashi. 0.98

02:51:40.000 I read books on how to fight. 1.00

02:51:42.000 If this didn't work out, you would have been the dumbest motherfucker of all time. 1.00

02:51:45.000 I know. 1.00

02:51:47.000 But it worked out.

02:51:48.000 This is Miyamoto.

02:51:49.000 Boy, did it work.

02:51:49.000 I got lucky.

02:51:51.000 Telling girls at bars, this is a movie show.

02:51:54.000 But it's all connected.

02:51:54.000 It's all connected.

02:51:55.000 If you can read about a dude who's figured out how to fuck people up with his feet. 0.99

02:52:00.000 He just kicked people in the face for a living. 0.99

02:52:03.000 I'm like, tell me how you did this.

02:52:06.000 I saw my left foot.

02:52:06.000 That's what kickboxing books are about.

02:52:08.000 So this guy was Jean-Yves Theriault.

02:52:10.000 Can we watch this? 1.00

02:52:11.000 Oh my god, he was a fucking assassin, man. 1.00

02:52:14.000 And he's from Montreal. 1.00

02:52:16.000 And he's a French-Canadian. 1.00

02:52:18.000 Bro, he fucked everybody up. 1.00

02:52:20.000 He just turns and walks. 1.00

02:52:21.000 I'm telling you, man. 1.00

02:52:22.000 He was a fucking assassin. 1.00

02:52:23.000 What happened? 1.00

02:52:24.000 Dude, you don't understand.

02:52:25.000 This guy was my hero when I was a kid.

02:52:27.000 Where'd he go?

02:52:27.000 When I was kickboxing, this was the guy I was trying to be.

02:52:30.000 I was trying to be this dude.

02:52:32.000 Whoa.

02:52:33.000 Did he kill a woman?

02:52:33.000 You gotta understand, there was no money back then.

02:52:35.000 He jumped off those people so fast. 1.00

02:52:37.000 Bro, he was a fucking assassin. 1.00

02:52:40.000 He was a very nice guy. 1.00

02:52:41.000 He's drawing chest hair on himself. 0.97

02:52:43.000 He had a gay cop mustache. 0.57

02:52:46.000 It was awesome. 0.94

02:52:47.000 Yeah, he did.

02:52:47.000 And one of the things that he said was that he increased his kicking power substantially by running stairs.

02:52:52.000 So I started running fucking stairs. 0.95

02:52:55.000 I read this dude's book when I was like 15, 16 years old. 0.99

02:52:59.000 I love the chest hair.

02:53:01.000 Bro, he was a monster. 1.00

02:53:02.000 He was fucking everybody. 1.00

02:53:04.000 You gotta understand, this guy's record was just littered with chaos. 1.00

02:53:08.000 Everybody he fought.

02:53:13.000 Kickboxing back then...

02:53:15.000 Here's the deal about kickboxing.

02:53:18.000 Kickboxing back then was all...

02:53:20.000 It was all above the waist.

02:53:23.000 Come on, man.

02:53:24.000 Don't do that.

02:53:25.000 Nobody had figured out Thai boxing yet because the Thais had not come to America yet. 1.00

02:53:29.000 Jack talk Thai.

02:53:31.000 Jack talked I very well.

02:53:33.000 I don't know what that means.

02:53:34.000 Oh, it's a... 1.00

02:53:35.000 Remember the fuckers. 1.00

02:53:37.000 Remember the fuckers. 1.00

02:53:38.000 That's Rick Rufus. 1.00

02:53:39.000 Rick Rufus is the American hero.

02:53:41.000 Oh, he's a bad producer. 0.99

02:53:43.000 Oh, dude, he was a monster.

02:53:44.000 Rick Rufus was so good. 0.99

02:53:46.000 That's sexy, Asian.

02:53:48.000 That's Don the Dragon Wilson.

02:53:50.000 What?

02:53:52.000 It sounds like I'm making this up.

02:53:53.000 No, that guy's a legend.

02:53:56.000 Don the Dragon Wilson.

02:53:58.000 Oh, that guy's got Botox.

02:54:00.000 Listen, I want you to Google Don the Dragon Wilson versus...

02:54:04.000 69. Goddammit. 0.98

02:54:07.000 Dennis Alexio.

02:54:08.000 Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio.

02:54:11.000 This is like a peak in your childhood here.

02:54:13.000 Don the Dragon Wilson.

02:54:15.000 You could have gotten into wrestling.

02:54:17.000 You got into this.

02:54:18.000 What I could have gotten is serious brain damage.

02:54:21.000 This is Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio.

02:54:29.000 So Don the Dragon Wilson is like a legend in kickboxing.

02:54:33.000 When there was no money in kickboxing.

02:54:35.000 54 and 1. Look at that hairline.

02:54:38.000 He was a monster. 0.96

02:54:39.000 That's what I'm looking for. 0.95

02:54:40.000 He was so good.

02:54:41.000 So he fought this guy, Dennis Alexio. 0.98

02:54:43.000 And Dennis Alexio, who was a fucking assassin, but he didn't understand leg kicks as well as Don did. 0.98

02:54:49.000 So get a little further on this. 1.00

02:54:51.000 See, Don just kicked his fucking legs out from under him. 1.00

02:54:53.000 And Dennis Alexio was a tank. 1.00

02:54:55.000 He was actually in one of those Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.

02:54:58.000 Oh, really?

02:54:59.000 He was in Kickboxer.

02:55:00.000 He was like his brother that got killed by Tong Poe. 1.00

02:55:03.000 That's right.

02:55:04.000 We kicked the column.

02:55:06.000 Number three.

02:55:08.000 So this was like a really important fight because it was one of the first fights between kickboxes. 0.98

02:55:14.000 He started leg kicking them.

02:55:15.000 And by the way, Don the Dragon Wilson, as good as he was, was not a tie.

02:55:19.000 He wasn't like a real expert or a Dutch guy like Ernesto Hoost or any of the greats.

02:55:26.000 There were so many great guys that came out of Holland. 0.81

02:55:28.000 He was a guy that was like an American guy who learned how to do leg kicks and started fucking people up with them when they allowed them. 0.96

02:55:36.000 Were the Dutch nasty at it because they colonized Southeast Asia? 0.99

02:55:40.000 They were so nasty. 0.93

02:55:41.000 No, hold on. 0.94

02:55:42.000 First of all, they were big.

02:55:43.000 Yeah, but was it because they colonized Southeast Asia?

02:55:46.000 I don't know, man, but there's so many great guys.

02:55:48.000 Why else would they be good?

02:55:49.000 Listen, man, there's Rob Kamen, who's one of the greatest of all times, Ernesto Hoos, Peter Ertz, Bas Rutten, there's so many guys.

02:55:58.000 Do you think the possible Dutch brought it to Southeast Asia? 0.90

02:56:01.000 No, they learned it.

02:56:02.000 No, they learned it.

02:56:03.000 They learned it.

02:56:03.000 They were down there.

02:56:04.000 They learned it, but they were way bigger.

02:56:06.000 When World War II popped off, it was Japan attacking Dutch colonies to get the rubber in Southeast Asia. 0.90

02:56:12.000 So they were down there.

02:56:13.000 Is that what it was?

02:56:14.000 Yeah, that's why the Dutch were always down there. 1.00

02:56:16.000 That's why they had Sri Lanka forever. 1.00

02:56:19.000 They had East Timor. 1.00

02:56:20.000 They ran the shit. 1.00

02:56:21.000 That's why they're good at kickboxing is because they colonized Southeast Asia. 1.00

02:56:24.000 The Dutch are the best colonizers because once they had everything, they're like, you guys can take it back. 1.00

02:56:29.000 With certain countries, they're like, go ahead, we're done. 0.98

02:56:32.000 They were like fucking Cincinnati. 0.99

02:56:33.000 They were number one. 1.00

02:56:35.000 Yeah.

02:56:35.000 They did what England did.

02:56:36.000 They just became a bank.

02:56:38.000 They did that.

02:56:39.000 There's more money than that.

02:56:41.000 Dutch kickboxing roots can be traced back to the 1970s.

02:56:45.000 Dutchmen traveling to Japan learned Japanese kickboxing, which blended elements of Kyokushin karate and Muay Thai over the next 50 years.

02:56:54.000 Are you watching Shogun?

02:56:56.000 Oh my god, it's awesome.

02:56:57.000 It's fun, right?

02:56:58.000 How good is it?

02:56:58.000 It's like a Japanese Game of Thrones.

02:57:00.000 It looks good.

02:57:01.000 The commercial looks good.

02:57:02.000 Game of Thrones.

02:57:03.000 It's really well done.

02:57:04.000 I guarantee they ruin it.

02:57:05.000 I guarantee they put ladies in it. 1.00

02:57:07.000 They put ladies in it. 1.00

02:57:08.000 Ruined the story.

02:57:08.000 They already put ladies in it?

02:57:10.000 No.

02:57:11.000 There was an article written, why are there no black people on Shogun?

02:57:14.000 And people were like, it's because it's about Japan.

02:57:16.000 It's 1600. What the fuck happened? 0.99

02:57:19.000 What the fuck he's saying? 1.00

02:57:21.000 1600s Japan. 1.00

02:57:22.000 You're fucking swinging every virtue flag you have. 1.00

02:57:26.000 Like, leave it! 1.00

02:57:27.000 Let's get black people on Shoga. 1.00

02:57:29.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

02:57:31.000 I know.

02:57:31.000 That is so bananas.

02:57:33.000 That's so bananas.

02:57:34.000 That could be good.

02:57:35.000 Why were there no Japanese people on Alien? 0.99

02:57:38.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.98

02:57:40.000 What are you saying? 1.00

02:57:41.000 What are you saying? 1.00

02:57:42.000 It's a movie, you fuck! 1.00

02:57:44.000 Why is there no women in Reservoir Dogs? 1.00

02:57:46.000 Because it's a movie!

02:57:47.000 It's about a bank robbery.

02:57:48.000 It's a movie about a moment.

02:57:49.000 It happens to have only guys in it.

02:57:51.000 That's okay.

02:57:52.000 Just like the Barbie movie's okay!

02:57:54.000 It's fine!

02:57:56.000 It's all Barbie.

02:57:57.000 It's fine!

02:57:59.000 Barbie movie when... 0.98

02:58:00.000 Have you guys seen it?

02:58:01.000 It was great.

02:58:03.000 I enjoyed it!

02:58:03.000 Yeah, it was fun.

02:58:04.000 Yeah, I liked it.

02:58:05.000 I did not have a problem with it.

02:58:06.000 Really funny.

02:58:07.000 And I had a problem with people who had a problem with it.

02:58:09.000 There's no competition.

02:58:10.000 It's a good movie.

02:58:11.000 Where's the black people in the show?

02:58:13.000 There was one, I guess.

02:58:15.000 There is one in the show.

02:58:16.000 No.

02:58:16.000 Of course.

02:58:17.000 Yeah, there's a character.

02:58:18.000 But this is complaining.

02:58:20.000 Oh, Blackthorn. 1.00

02:58:21.000 Okay, I haven't gotten to that episode yet, you son of a bitch. 1.00

02:58:24.000 Is it that good? 1.00

02:58:25.000 It's fucking good, dude. 0.99

02:58:28.000 It's fucking good. 0.99

02:58:30.000 No, why with the war? 0.99

02:58:32.000 Way better.

02:58:33.000 Way better.

02:58:34.000 And historic. 1.00

02:58:35.000 By the way, fuck me. 1.00

02:58:37.000 Fuck me. 1.00

02:58:38.000 But why the awards? 1.00

02:58:39.000 Who cares?

02:58:40.000 To me, it's better.

02:58:42.000 Because I'm fascinated by Japanese culture.

02:58:44.000 Is it as well done as that?

02:58:45.000 Is it real as that?

02:58:46.000 Better than Married With Children? 0.92

02:58:51.000 Sons of Anarchy would be awesome if it was on HBO. If they got to go gangster.

02:58:59.000 First couple years, dude.

02:59:00.000 Right?

02:59:02.000 100%.

02:59:02.000 That show would be incredible.

02:59:04.000 It opens up with him executing a stalker and then fucking her while he's bleeding out. 1.00

02:59:08.000 It was pretty fucking good right away. 1.00

02:59:10.000 They got wild at the beginning. 0.99

02:59:11.000 At the beginning it was pretty fucking good. 0.98

02:59:13.000 Later it was like, eh. 0.96

02:59:14.000 Then they got that sweet, sweet ad money.

02:59:16.000 Went to Ireland and it was like, what are we doing here?

02:59:17.000 I have a Bud Light.

02:59:19.000 The Hells Angels should be a show.

02:59:22.000 They were all on crank.

02:59:23.000 Did you ever read Hunter S. Thompson's book, Hells Angels? 0.99

02:59:26.000 It's fucking great. 0.98

02:59:28.000 Shane, I got some bad news for you. 0.99

02:59:30.000 I had read chapters of it, but I never liked it.

02:59:33.000 What happened?

02:59:34.000 We're out of BL's. 0.99

02:59:35.000 Sorry to over-talk, but...

02:59:36.000 No, we have more beer.

02:59:37.000 This is the Joe Rogan experience.

02:59:39.000 Throw one million dollars at the problem.

02:59:41.000 You don't think we have cases?

02:59:43.000 J-Mo! 0.97

02:59:43.000 We have a million dollars that they can get us some beer. 0.97

02:59:46.000 To an esteemed guest like Shane Gill's?

02:59:48.000 And bring that manure over here, will ya? 0.51

02:59:50.000 What's that?

02:59:50.000 Train by day?

02:59:51.000 Train by day.

02:59:52.000 Oh yeah, get Carl out of here.

02:59:54.000 Look at that, Carl's like a 9-11.

02:59:55.000 Isn't that the greatest promo of all time?

02:59:57.000 I love it so much.

02:59:58.000 That's crazy.

02:59:59.000 The Diaz brothers are king.

03:00:00.000 But when Nick said that, I had no expectation.

03:00:02.000 I couldn't believe he said it.

03:00:03.000 I was like, oh my god.

03:00:04.000 That's our new introduction.

03:00:06.000 Yeah, you just made it.

03:00:08.000 Yeah, shout out to Red Band.

03:00:09.000 Red Band put it together.

03:00:11.000 What happened?

03:00:11.000 It's funny to see when you were there.

03:00:13.000 Yeah, I was like, oh shit, a shout-out? 0.89

03:00:16.000 And Nick Diaz, like my podcast? 0.99

03:00:17.000 I was like, this is incredible.

03:00:19.000 That was incredible. 0.99

03:00:20.000 Meanwhile, I'm like fucking in awe. 0.97

03:00:22.000 The one time you took me to one fight, and I was standing there, and Cameron Simons won a fight. 0.99

03:00:29.000 He's this little South African white guy. 1.00

03:00:31.000 South African bad motherfucker. 1.00

03:00:32.000 He just beat the fuck out of the guy, and then he stood up and like ran over to where I was sitting. 1.00

03:00:37.000 It was like... 0.95

03:00:38.000 Hey, big fan man!

03:00:41.000 And I was like, I'm sitting there holding a beer like, no way! 1.00

03:00:45.000 That's the dopest shit of all time. 1.00

03:00:48.000 He literally was on a dude's back. 0.99

03:00:53.000 You know how many times I've been with Theo and Dustin Poirier fights? 0.98

03:00:58.000 Dustin Poirier and Theo are homies and they'll like fucking point at Theo after he wins. 0.99

03:01:02.000 It's nuts. 0.99

03:01:03.000 It's amazing.

03:01:04.000 How about when Dustin Poirier said at the last UFC, I missed it, I missed it, because I'm just trying to get the most out of him in an interview.

03:01:12.000 He gave a William Montgomery reference. 0.99

03:01:14.000 Shut up. 0.99

03:01:15.000 I ain't never gonna stop! 1.00

03:01:17.000 No way.

03:01:18.000 He literally said it, and it sounded like William Montgomery, but my brain did not register it.

03:01:23.000 He and William Montgomery have been doing DMs back and forth. 0.99

03:01:26.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.98

03:01:27.000 He talked about it on Instagram. 0.99

03:01:29.000 Comedy is huge.

03:01:30.000 He's the man!

03:01:31.000 Poirier's win that night was gigantic.

03:01:34.000 The best.

03:01:34.000 That was like the coolest moment of the night.

03:01:36.000 Louisiana.

03:01:37.000 Lafayette.

03:01:37.000 My thoughts on that fight going in was that that dude is a dangerous grappler.

03:01:42.000 He's a judo black belt. 0.99

03:01:44.000 He's a fucking French special forces guy. 0.99

03:01:47.000 St. Denis. 1.00

03:01:47.000 He's a dangerous motherfucker. 1.00

03:01:49.000 But Poirier has an advantage to stand up. 1.00

03:01:52.000 And in stand up, you can't bridge that gap that quickly.

03:01:55.000 Oh yeah.

03:01:56.000 There's like...

03:01:57.000 How long have you been doing stand-up?

03:01:58.000 He's been doing stand-ups since he was a little kid.

03:02:00.000 And he's got a wicked...

03:02:01.000 Wicked everything.

03:02:02.000 Striking. 0.99

03:02:03.000 Everything is wicked. 0.81

03:02:04.000 Leg kicks are wicked. 0.60

03:02:06.000 His striking's wicked. 0.88

03:02:07.000 You can't beat him.

03:02:08.000 You get into the second, third, fourth, and fifth rounds, you start making fundamental, like, tactical mistakes. 0.98

03:02:13.000 That's when conditioning and just knowing what the fuck you're doing takes over. 0.82

03:02:18.000 And those guys with high-level experience, they've been in hell. 0.99

03:02:21.000 I know.

03:02:22.000 Like, Poirier's been in hell.

03:02:24.000 I know.

03:02:24.000 Absolute hell.

03:02:25.000 So many times.

03:02:25.000 I love Poirier, but Gagey, my favorite fighter.

03:02:29.000 Gagey's your guy?

03:02:30.000 He's amazing.

03:02:31.000 He beat Poirier.

03:02:32.000 Poirier beat him before he beat him.

03:02:34.000 I know, but he won in the end.

03:02:35.000 He won recently.

03:02:36.000 He won the second one.

03:02:37.000 He won recently.

03:02:37.000 Those guys can fight ten times, and they might be five and five.

03:02:40.000 That's true.

03:02:41.000 I love both of them, but I think Gagey's my favorite fighter.

03:02:44.000 Poirier passed me one of them.

03:02:45.000 Yeah, he was.

03:02:46.000 But Gagey's just an animal.

03:02:47.000 Gagey's awesome.

03:02:48.000 You can't stop him.

03:02:50.000 He's fighting Max Holloway at UFC 300. Really?

03:02:53.000 Who's coming?

03:02:54.000 Where is it?

03:02:55.000 Where is it?

03:02:56.000 When is it?

03:02:57.000 It's in Vegas.

03:02:58.000 Let's go!

03:02:59.000 April 13th, I think?

03:03:01.000 Is that what it is, Jamie?

03:03:01.000 Let's go!

03:03:02.000 Do it!

03:03:04.000 Yeah, April 13th.

03:03:05.000 Come on, son. 1.00

03:03:06.000 Where you going, bitch? 1.00

03:03:07.000 Fuck, I'm doing a show in Austin. 1.00

03:03:09.000 Where you going, bitch? 1.00

03:03:10.000 I'm recording a special two weeks later. 1.00

03:03:11.000 Two weeks is two weeks?

03:03:13.000 I've got to be in the road.

03:03:14.000 You'll be inspired.

03:03:15.000 Do you have a game book that weekend? 0.99

03:03:19.000 You're going to fucking do comedy for communists? 1.00

03:03:24.000 Bunch of fucking Trudeau bootluckers up there. 1.00

03:03:27.000 Alifax goes hard. 1.00

03:03:29.000 Alifax is outsider fishermen.

03:03:30.000 They don't even know who they're ruled by.

03:03:31.000 They're outsider. 0.98

03:03:33.000 They're so mad.

03:03:34.000 They just care about the lobster.

03:03:35.000 They're so mad right now.

03:03:38.000 Yeah, the UFC is tough because they're all cool.

03:03:43.000 They're all fun.

03:03:44.000 There's so many good ones.

03:03:45.000 Like Cheeto, Sugar Sean was tough.

03:03:47.000 I love Sugar Sean.

03:03:48.000 Because you love Cheeto.

03:03:49.000 No, because I love Cheeto.

03:03:50.000 And Sugar Sean's the man.

03:03:51.000 He's cool.

03:03:52.000 He's a Kiltony. 1.00

03:03:53.000 He's a cool guy.

03:03:54.000 You can't like them personally because they're going to get hit at least once.

03:03:57.000 I know, but of course you like him personally.

03:04:00.000 He's got the accuracy.

03:04:01.000 It's not like a football player where you're like, ah, you got beat on that play.

03:04:03.000 Somebody punched you in the face.

03:04:05.000 Sorry about that.

03:04:06.000 Sugar Sean's cool.

03:04:07.000 I've hung out with him a bunch of times.

03:04:08.000 He's awesome.

03:04:10.000 He likes comedy.

03:04:11.000 Last time I saw him, I was like, could you come please meet my friends?

03:04:14.000 He's awesome.

03:04:15.000 Sugar Sean's awesome.

03:04:17.000 Chito Vera's the bro.

03:04:19.000 Uh-uh.

03:04:19.000 Really?

03:04:20.000 Both those things are true. 0.81

03:04:21.000 They're both the bros.

03:04:22.000 They're both the bros.

03:04:22.000 So then they have to fight.

03:04:24.000 You sit there and you go, God damn. 1.00

03:04:26.000 Yeah, they're both cool fucking dudes. 1.00

03:04:28.000 I love both those dudes. 0.96

03:04:29.000 Yeah, they're both amazing.

03:04:30.000 It's real hard.

03:04:31.000 And it's hard when you're doing commentary on two people you love.

03:04:33.000 Oh, yeah.

03:04:33.000 And when one dude is just piecing the other dude up.

03:04:36.000 Till the end? 1.00

03:04:36.000 Sugar Sean put on a fucking clinic. 1.00

03:04:39.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

03:04:40.000 Till the end, though.

03:04:41.000 Yeah, and in the end, that's what Jason Perl was calling for the whole time.

03:04:45.000 Making it a brawl. 1.00

03:04:46.000 Fuck this dude up. 1.00

03:04:47.000 And he hit him with a shot to the body and really hurt him. 1.00

03:04:49.000 Oh yeah.

03:04:50.000 And also...

03:04:52.000 That was a good fight.

03:04:54.000 No one thought he had it.

03:04:56.000 Oh yeah, got me.

03:04:58.000 But he also, Cheeto put on a clinic, a chin clinic.

03:05:02.000 Oh my god.

03:05:03.000 Yeah, he's got a good chin.

03:05:04.000 Good lord.

03:05:05.000 He might have the best chin of all time. 1.00

03:05:07.000 That fucking, that knee to the face had him looking at his ankles. 1.00

03:05:11.000 Crazy. 1.00

03:05:12.000 His head snapped so far back.

03:05:14.000 Have you ever seen it?

03:05:14.000 Like on slow-mo?

03:05:15.000 His head snaps all the way back.

03:05:18.000 All the way back.

03:05:19.000 And he kept going.

03:05:19.000 And he never even stumbled.

03:05:21.000 No. 1.00

03:05:22.000 I should have killed him. 1.00

03:05:23.000 No indication that he was wobbled. 1.00

03:05:25.000 No indication that he was hurt. 1.00

03:05:27.000 He just fucking... 1.00

03:05:28.000 Still dangerous. 1.00

03:05:29.000 He stepped back. 0.81

03:05:30.000 Bro, he's an animal. 0.97

03:05:31.000 He's an animal.

03:05:32.000 He refused to be hurt.

03:05:33.000 All those guys like comedy.

03:05:34.000 Adesanya.

03:05:35.000 They do like comedy.

03:05:36.000 B.J. Penn used to like it.

03:05:37.000 I've never seen B.J. Penn coming up to you at the weigh-ins and be like, um...

03:05:42.000 BJ's the man. 0.99

03:05:43.000 You ever see that fucking camouflage jacket that I wear, like puffy camouflage jacket? 0.99

03:05:49.000 Cheeto got me that. 0.99

03:05:51.000 He was wearing that.

03:05:52.000 I go, bro, that is the dopest jacket I've ever seen.

03:05:54.000 He goes, you want one? 1.00

03:05:54.000 I go, fuck yeah. 1.00

03:05:56.000 So he sent me one. 1.00

03:05:57.000 Cheeto couldn't be...

03:05:58.000 He's the man, dude!

03:05:59.000 He could not be cooler. 0.99

03:06:01.000 Sugar Sean's cool as fuck. 1.00

03:06:02.000 Yo, I wish they didn't fight and beat the fuck out of each other, but that's just how it has to go. 0.99

03:06:08.000 And at the end of the day, you've got to admire what Sugar Sean did. 0.92

03:06:11.000 What he did was masterful.

03:06:13.000 Undeniable, dude. 1.00

03:06:14.000 He fucking... 1.00

03:06:16.000 He's nasty. 1.00

03:06:17.000 He's masterful. 0.89

03:06:18.000 He shared my special.

03:06:19.000 He just keeps getting better, man.

03:06:20.000 That's awesome.

03:06:21.000 That's fucking amazing. 0.99

03:06:22.000 That's fucking amazing. 1.00

03:06:23.000 That's huge. 0.98

03:06:23.000 You know what meant the world to me? 0.98

03:06:24.000 The first time I met Sugar Sean, it was a fight you brought me to.

03:06:27.000 I was in the back and he was like, I was like, hi, I'm Shane.

03:06:31.000 He was like, I know who you are.

03:06:32.000 I was like...

03:06:33.000 What's up, dude?

03:06:34.000 What's up, man?

03:06:35.000 It's cool to meet you, man. 0.97

03:06:37.000 Fighters are some of the coolest fucking people you'll ever meet. 0.58

03:06:40.000 We went to the fight in Atlanta, this was years ago, with Santino, and Theo was there. 0.98

03:06:45.000 It was like Elvis showed up.

03:06:47.000 Theo was huge in the UFC world, and then Poirier hugged him.

03:06:50.000 Yeah.

03:06:51.000 And I was like, oh god, I'm nervous.

03:06:53.000 Well, people in the UFC world, first of all, it's like real similar thinking ones.

03:06:57.000 It's very similar.

03:06:58.000 A lot of Protect Our Parks fans.

03:07:00.000 UFC world.

03:07:01.000 Bro, I can't tell you how many bros come up to me like, when's the next one, bro?

03:07:05.000 Do I love when you're on the road?

03:07:06.000 And they go like, in this last week, like, when's the next one?

03:07:08.000 I'm like, coming up, actually.

03:07:11.000 I know now!

03:07:13.000 Because in this culture, it's weird for dudes to just get together and just be dudes.

03:07:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:07:18.000 They're all homos. 0.99

03:07:19.000 It's so strange. 0.98

03:07:20.000 Isn't that weird?

03:07:21.000 We're not allowed to be dudes.

03:07:21.000 It's great, but you can.

03:07:23.000 You just have to achieve escape velocity.

03:07:25.000 You ever follow bros being bros?

03:07:27.000 Instagram?

03:07:28.000 No.

03:07:28.000 You would love it.

03:07:28.000 It's a bunch of guys kicking, like, boulders.

03:07:31.000 Like, launch boulders down a cliff.

03:07:33.000 And they're like, yeah!

03:07:34.000 Or throwing ice on ice, you know?

03:07:37.000 Anybody need another scar?

03:07:38.000 You good?

03:07:39.000 I'm good.

03:07:40.000 Dudes being dudes.

03:07:43.000 Guys, why is that not okay? 1.00

03:07:45.000 Women suck! 1.00

03:07:46.000 They're so gay, dude. 1.00

03:07:50.000 That's similar to a lot of gays. 1.00

03:07:51.000 They like dick. 1.00

03:07:52.000 There's a lot of similarities. 1.00

03:07:53.000 Women are gay. 1.00

03:07:54.000 In a lot of ways. 1.00

03:07:56.000 If they weren't girls, they'd be gay. 1.00

03:07:58.000 You could laugh out at a lot of dumb shit from where you should imagine it was a queen gay. 1.00

03:08:01.000 If they weren't girls, he'd be like, oh my god. 1.00

03:08:04.000 But I think women like dudes still. 0.99

03:08:07.000 Women like guys. 1.00

03:08:08.000 Yeah, which is gay if you're a girl. 0.99

03:08:10.000 Yeah, it's gay. 0.99

03:08:13.000 Women are gay as well. 1.00

03:08:14.000 That is gay. 1.00

03:08:15.000 And they're taking up the ass a lot of them. 1.00

03:08:17.000 I don't know what fucking sample group you're... 0.99

03:08:20.000 I'll send you a couple numbers. 0.99

03:08:23.000 It's out there.

03:08:24.000 Joe.

03:08:25.000 Joe.

03:08:26.000 Joe, give me a look.

03:08:30.000 Remember that joke? 1.00

03:08:31.000 All right, we're talking about fucking... 1.00

03:08:32.000 Slaking on a big brown dick. 1.00

03:08:34.000 We're having fun. 1.00

03:08:35.000 Yeah, girls are gay. 1.00

03:08:39.000 Imagine being a girl. 0.96

03:08:41.000 Imagine if all of a sudden you got transported into a girl's body with a dude's mind, but a girl's needs, so you need to get filled. 0.99

03:08:48.000 You're like, God damn it. 0.98

03:08:50.000 That's the real quantum leap. 0.99

03:08:51.000 Where he's like, oh, I'm a woman. 1.00

03:08:52.000 Oh, I need my dick. 1.00

03:08:54.000 And you're so straight, but you want cock so bad. 1.00

03:08:58.000 It's like, I'm not thirsty, but I need to drink. 1.00

03:09:00.000 I need it. 0.99

03:09:01.000 Yeah, but then the aftermath is a bitch. 1.00

03:09:03.000 Well, if you're a dude trapped in a girl's body. 0.99

03:09:05.000 I guess it wouldn't be that big of a deal. 0.99

03:09:07.000 You mean being gay?

03:09:08.000 Being a lady who gets filled is like, what are we doing after? 1.00

03:09:12.000 Here's the question.

03:09:13.000 If they ever get to a point where it's genetic engineering, Where you can literally become a woman and then go right back to being a dude. 1.00

03:09:20.000 Yeah.

03:09:20.000 It's just a matter of going through a procedure.

03:09:22.000 That'd be nice.

03:09:23.000 Get a new machine.

03:09:24.000 A pill.

03:09:24.000 Quick.

03:09:24.000 Would you be willing to do it for a couple of days just to see what it feels like?

03:09:28.000 100%.

03:09:28.000 No, I'm not kidding.

03:09:29.000 100%. 0.94

03:09:30.000 Wait, for sex? 0.59

03:09:31.000 100%. 0.57

03:09:32.000 I thought you meant the life experience.

03:09:33.000 Ew.

03:09:33.000 I thought you meant the life experience.

03:09:35.000 I thought you meant the life experience.

03:09:36.000 No, I meant the life experience.

03:09:38.000 Yeah.

03:09:38.000 You want straight to getting filled, guys.

03:09:40.000 You immediately want to get stuffed.

03:09:42.000 You want to get filled.

03:09:43.000 I'll be honest. 1.00

03:09:44.000 Wanting the life experience is gayer than having gay sex. 1.00

03:09:47.000 Just to see what it's like to live like a bird? 1.00

03:09:49.000 It's not wanting. 1.00

03:09:49.000 It's like fucking military service. 1.00

03:09:52.000 That's so gay. 1.00

03:09:52.000 No, dude. 1.00

03:09:52.000 What? 1.00

03:09:53.000 I want to see what it's like to have everyone looking at me for a minute.

03:09:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:09:56.000 I would like a vagina for a minute. 1.00

03:09:58.000 Well, you know how they actually feel pretty good. 0.99

03:10:00.000 Can you give me a discount on that coffee? 0.99

03:10:01.000 This is so gay. 1.00

03:10:01.000 Oh, you can? 1.00

03:10:01.000 Great. 1.00

03:10:03.000 You know how they have compulsory military service in South Korea and Israel?

03:10:09.000 Yeah.

03:10:09.000 Maybe try out being a woman for a few days.

03:10:11.000 Gotta be a chick. 1.00

03:10:12.000 Every guy.

03:10:13.000 Get some coffee.

03:10:15.000 Don't get any of you, chick. 1.00

03:10:15.000 Oh, this is what they mean when they say that. 1.00

03:10:18.000 Right.

03:10:19.000 Right. 0.95

03:10:19.000 It seems nice to have multiple orgasms and getting double-stuffed. 0.95

03:10:23.000 Also, double-stuffed Oreos! 0.78

03:10:25.000 Who wouldn't want to be?

03:10:26.000 Wait, wait.

03:10:26.000 We're talking about sex again.

03:10:27.000 Oh, sorry. 1.00

03:10:28.000 Get my ass in my vagina. 1.00

03:10:30.000 Fuck. 1.00

03:10:30.000 Being afraid to drink things that people give you. 1.00

03:10:33.000 That's gotta be tough.

03:10:34.000 Hold on.

03:10:34.000 For real though.

03:10:35.000 But a clit would be great. 1.00

03:10:36.000 For real though. 0.99

03:10:37.000 Allegedly. 1.00

03:10:38.000 Wanting to experience being a woman out of some type of fucking gay ass sympathy of like... 1.00

03:10:45.000 Not sympathy? 1.00

03:10:46.000 I wonder how hard it is.

03:10:48.000 Not sympathy?

03:10:49.000 Not how fun it is.

03:10:51.000 It's better.

03:10:52.000 Just have fun for a day.

03:10:54.000 Free drinks all night.

03:10:56.000 Wouldn't be cool.

03:10:57.000 I'll get you free drinks.

03:10:58.000 I've been asking for a decade.

03:11:00.000 I'll give you free drinks.

03:11:01.000 Thank you. 1.00

03:11:02.000 But you're going to have to give up that fucking bussy. 1.00

03:11:06.000 We'll talk. 1.00

03:11:07.000 What?

03:11:09.000 Bussy? 0.99

03:11:09.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

03:11:11.000 You remember that dude that had that fucking video where he was talking about what he did to dudes in jail? 0.99

03:11:16.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97

03:11:18.000 Chris Rock had a bit about it.

03:11:19.000 Wait, do you know about...

03:11:20.000 Toss salad, man.

03:11:21.000 Yeah, make him toss my salad.

03:11:23.000 Maple syrup or honey or whatever it was.

03:11:26.000 Do you know about SPR.org?

03:11:27.000 Who?

03:11:28.000 What?

03:11:29.000 Do you know about stopprisonrape.org?

03:11:31.000 Oh yeah, you told me about this.

03:11:33.000 Multiple, like, survivors' poems.

03:11:36.000 They have poems?

03:11:37.000 Yeah, they have poems. 1.00

03:11:38.000 Damn, they really knocked a gay right in on them. 0.99

03:11:39.000 It's pretty dark. 1.00

03:11:41.000 It's pretty dark.

03:11:42.000 It's just tails right away.

03:11:45.000 God, it's so funny making fun of guys who have been assaulted.

03:11:52.000 Yeah, that's tough, man.

03:11:53.000 I bet that poetry's good. 1.00

03:11:54.000 Fuck Robert Frost. 1.00

03:11:55.000 It rhymes, yeah. 1.00

03:11:56.000 It for sure rhymes.

03:11:57.000 How many prison rapes do people get in trouble for?

03:12:00.000 What's the ratio? 0.96

03:12:02.000 Yeah, that was a very intense video, and making fun of guys that get assaulted in prison does suck. 1.00

03:12:10.000 How many guys really think your asshole's a pussy, and what's wrong with them? 1.00

03:12:14.000 I mean, I get it. 1.00

03:12:15.000 I've gone down on a chick's butt. 1.00

03:12:16.000 Yeah, we all have. 0.99

03:12:17.000 Yeah, but that's a chick. 1.00

03:12:19.000 Not a dude with a fucking bandana around his head. 1.00

03:12:21.000 It's not a clean butt. 1.00

03:12:22.000 And a ball bag right in your face. 0.98

03:12:24.000 You make it decent, but I'm like, how decent?

03:12:27.000 It's clean.

03:12:27.000 How clean are you making that?

03:12:29.000 In a prison shower.

03:12:30.000 It's all in the shower. 1.00

03:12:30.000 It's literally a shit pipe. 1.00

03:12:34.000 Shit pipe. 1.00

03:12:36.000 Good band. 1.00

03:12:37.000 How clean can it be? 1.00

03:12:38.000 Let's eat off this fucking sewer. 1.00

03:12:39.000 Alright, let's clean it off. 1.00

03:12:40.000 A little dusted.

03:12:42.000 It's crazy.

03:12:43.000 Eat off the sewer pipe. 1.00

03:12:44.000 Eatin' ass has gone up tenfold since I was a kid. 1.00

03:12:47.000 Eatin' ass has gone up. 1.00

03:12:47.000 Girls did it. 1.00

03:12:47.000 They had that scene where she bent over the one hot chicken girls and the guy was eating her out. 1.00

03:12:52.000 You think that's what started it all?

03:12:54.000 Shot it up. 0.74

03:12:55.000 Shot it up. 0.98

03:12:56.000 It's porno.

03:12:56.000 Had nothing to do with porn, right Ari?

03:12:58.000 Well, that helped too. 0.99

03:12:59.000 That's what gave the girls writers the fucking idea. 1.00

03:13:02.000 You watch girls? 1.00

03:13:03.000 Damn it. 1.00

03:13:05.000 He watched girls pretending if he had to whisper. 1.00

03:13:07.000 You watch fucking girls? 1.00

03:13:08.000 He would be a girl. 1.00

03:13:09.000 Now, that's the gayest thing. 1.00

03:13:10.000 We talked about it. 0.99

03:13:11.000 That's so gay, dude. 0.99

03:13:12.000 You watch girls? 0.99

03:13:14.000 That wasn't a bad show.

03:13:14.000 That gave it like two years.

03:13:16.000 First year was good, second year got like...

03:13:18.000 You New York guys are different, dude.

03:13:19.000 Me and Joe are Texas guys. 0.98

03:13:21.000 We're kind of fucking tough and straight. 0.99

03:13:22.000 We don't watch that show. 1.00

03:13:23.000 We don't watch that fucking show. 1.00

03:13:24.000 We watch fucking BattleBots. 1.00

03:13:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:13:27.000 With Scar Brothers.

03:13:28.000 That's a 30-year-old show.

03:13:29.000 I watch Rodeo.

03:13:31.000 You watch Sons of Anarchy?

03:13:33.000 Yeah, I watch a lot of rodeo.

03:13:35.000 We watch rodeo on BattleBots, dude. 1.00

03:13:37.000 You guys are sitting back home in gay-ass Brooklyn watching fucking girls. 1.00

03:13:40.000 We watch prairie dogs get assassinated on YouTube. 1.00

03:13:43.000 Yeah, I do watch that.

03:13:44.000 Aw, that's sad.

03:13:45.000 You have prairie dogs that shoot them with.50 calibers.

03:13:48.000 You know what's sad?

03:13:49.000 When a fucking beautiful, beautiful horse steps in a prairie dog hole and snaps its leg and you gotta shoot it in the face. 1.00

03:13:58.000 Fuck prairie dogs. 1.00

03:13:59.000 Why? 1.00

03:13:59.000 Just say that. 1.00

03:14:00.000 No, prairie dogs are good boys, dude.

03:14:02.000 What about a cow?

03:14:03.000 What about those landmines?

03:14:04.000 I do love cows.

03:14:05.000 A beautiful cow that could provide you with many rib bites. 0.94

03:14:07.000 Cows are so fun. 0.98

03:14:09.000 Don't they send dogs out in the Middle East to run over landmines?

03:14:12.000 No.

03:14:12.000 Yes.

03:14:13.000 They send fucking people. 1.00

03:14:15.000 They do that too. 1.00

03:14:16.000 Oh, that's better. 1.00

03:14:17.000 They'll let fucking... 1.00

03:14:19.000 Jews? 1.00

03:14:20.000 People run across.

03:14:22.000 Alright, good.

03:14:23.000 Well, we gotta get those landmines out. 1.00

03:14:26.000 Yeah, we're not going to get those.

03:14:27.000 Oh, don't you dare.

03:14:29.000 Oh, that was a beaver! 0.72

03:14:30.000 Let me show that guy.

03:14:31.000 Show me that man again.

03:14:32.000 Was it a groundhog?

03:14:33.000 Oh, you're such an adorable guy.

03:14:35.000 Prairie dogs.

03:14:36.000 They're so cute.

03:14:36.000 At least they're gone.

03:14:37.000 You don't see it like the JFK assassination.

03:14:39.000 It's just gone. 0.97

03:14:40.000 Look at these cocks. 1.00

03:14:41.000 Oh! 0.99

03:14:42.000 Oh, man.

03:14:43.000 I'm talking landmines, J-Mo. 0.94

03:14:46.000 These aren't landmines?

03:14:47.000 These are shooters.

03:14:48.000 They don't even eat them?

03:14:49.000 Nobody's eating those. 0.85

03:14:50.000 They just get rid of them because they fuck up the cows. 0.96

03:14:53.000 J-Mo. 0.99

03:14:54.000 What was that?

03:14:54.000 Who's already there?

03:14:56.000 Is that like Groundhog or a Caddyshack?

03:14:58.000 What are we doing here?

03:14:59.000 What is it, a Nutria?

03:15:00.000 No! 1.00

03:15:02.000 Those are alright to kill. 1.00

03:15:03.000 Those are giant. 1.00

03:15:04.000 We're supposed to kill those, right? 1.00

03:15:04.000 They ruin the plant life in Louisiana. 1.00

03:15:07.000 Meanwhile, why is that okay but that's not okay?

03:15:08.000 I don't know.

03:15:09.000 One's cuter.

03:15:10.000 You know what's really not okay?

03:15:12.000 Squirrels.

03:15:12.000 Squirrels are cute.

03:15:13.000 They have fluffy tails.

03:15:14.000 Squirrels are great guys.

03:15:15.000 You know who's great and underrated?

03:15:17.000 Possums.

03:15:17.000 They're cute.

03:15:19.000 Opossums?

03:15:19.000 Possums are fun guys.

03:15:21.000 They're Irish.

03:15:22.000 Wait a minute. 1.00

03:15:23.000 Opossums are disgusting. 0.92

03:15:25.000 Well, that tail is bad news. 0.89

03:15:27.000 They look bad.

03:15:27.000 What's the difference between a possum and an opossum?

03:15:30.000 Nothing.

03:15:30.000 Oh.

03:15:31.000 Just possum.

03:15:32.000 It's like a cult and an occult.

03:15:34.000 They look bad.

03:15:36.000 Occult?

03:15:37.000 I got it.

03:15:38.000 That's a thing, right?

03:15:39.000 Occult?

03:15:40.000 Occult.

03:15:41.000 Occult.

03:15:42.000 Possum looks occult. 1.00

03:15:43.000 Like satanic shit. 1.00

03:15:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:15:44.000 Devil worshiping. 1.00

03:15:45.000 See if you can get some zebras running across a minefield.

03:15:49.000 No.

03:15:50.000 Yeah, just unleash Jamie into the darkest stuff.

03:15:53.000 Wait till you see these guys clearing out minefields with just animals they found.

03:15:57.000 Bring it on.

03:15:58.000 I've seen that.

03:15:59.000 Yeah, zebras? 1.00

03:16:01.000 Whatever they got their hands on, though.

03:16:02.000 They just send them through minefields.

03:16:04.000 Really?

03:16:05.000 Watch them detonate, yeah. 0.98

03:16:06.000 Jew tunnel. 0.99

03:16:07.000 Pull it up.

03:16:08.000 Did you say Jew-tah?

03:16:10.000 Jew tunnel. 0.94

03:16:11.000 Jew tunnel. 0.96

03:16:12.000 I said Jew talk. 1.00

03:16:14.000 I was trying to make a Utah connection.

03:16:17.000 I was like, I am not.

03:16:18.000 We've got to make a Jew turn. 0.99

03:16:19.000 Well, Jew tunnels equally is nonsensical. 0.99

03:16:24.000 It has nothing to do with zebras crossing a minefield. 0.99

03:16:28.000 Jew tunnel. 1.00

03:16:30.000 You gotta sit there and go, what the fuck does that mean? 0.99

03:16:33.000 What does that mean even though? 0.99

03:16:35.000 Hey, have we shamed you out of using the stack of notes?

03:16:38.000 No, he's still got them.

03:16:40.000 Let's see how big it is.

03:16:41.000 Well, I cut it down.

03:16:43.000 It's at Colm's new joke night last night.

03:16:45.000 He has it ready.

03:16:46.000 You cut it down in order to avoid back pain?

03:16:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:16:50.000 But the amount of shit I get on the road for this thing. 0.99

03:16:53.000 Because of this show? 0.99

03:16:54.000 Thanks to this pod, yeah.

03:16:55.000 Oh my god, dude.

03:16:57.000 It's gotten worse!

03:16:58.000 It's gotten far worse.

03:16:59.000 It's still there!

03:17:00.000 It's so much bigger.

03:17:01.000 That's way less.

03:17:02.000 It's so much bigger.

03:17:03.000 You don't even have that many jokes!

03:17:05.000 40% is smaller.

03:17:06.000 Did you write down every joke multiple times? 0.94

03:17:09.000 Don't fuck up the order. 1.00

03:17:11.000 Alright, because that top one is all my new shit. 0.99

03:17:14.000 Can I see it? 0.99

03:17:15.000 This is literally insane.

03:17:16.000 He does always have new.

03:17:17.000 This is like right up there with the writing in the movie 7. In fairness, he's always got new.

03:17:22.000 Don't fuck with the notes. 0.99

03:17:23.000 I won't, I promise. 0.99

03:17:24.000 That top one, just keep the top one abreast. 0.80

03:17:27.000 Why are you doing this?

03:17:29.000 I like the writing.

03:17:31.000 Try reading that. 1.00

03:17:34.000 That's my new shit. 0.99

03:17:35.000 I need that. 0.99

03:17:36.000 I won't read it.

03:17:36.000 I swear to God.

03:17:36.000 You can read it.

03:17:37.000 I just don't want you to ruin it.

03:17:40.000 That's a good 12 minutes right there.

03:17:43.000 They killed last night.

03:17:45.000 Crushed it last night at the creek.

03:17:47.000 It's a very effective method.

03:17:48.000 Mark, you're a great comic.

03:17:51.000 All right.

03:17:52.000 This is still odd.

03:17:54.000 Take it easy.

03:17:55.000 You're one of my favorite comics to watch. 1.00

03:17:57.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

03:17:57.000 Every time you go on, I go, I gotta see what he's got. 1.00

03:18:00.000 Shut up. 0.99

03:18:00.000 Why? 0.99

03:18:01.000 Why are you being nasty? 0.98

03:18:02.000 Well, you're being nasty. 0.97

03:18:03.000 No, I'm being honest. 0.98

03:18:04.000 You're being nasty. 1.00

03:18:04.000 Piece of shit. 1.00

03:18:05.000 Aggressively complimentary. 1.00

03:18:07.000 Norman, that's weird.

03:18:08.000 Norman, that's a fact.

03:18:09.000 You got maps?

03:18:11.000 Well, that was a...

03:18:12.000 I needed something to write on.

03:18:14.000 You wrote it on a map?

03:18:15.000 Well, that's what they give you at the hotel.

03:18:17.000 You know you have a phone, right?

03:18:18.000 Dude, you've got the shining, bro.

03:18:20.000 I don't like the typing.

03:18:20.000 I love the farts, queef.

03:18:26.000 That queef bit kills. 1.00

03:18:27.000 Dude, if you do mass murder, these notes are going to be evidence. 0.90

03:18:30.000 Oh my god.

03:18:31.000 A lot of this is working.

03:18:32.000 It just says farts, queef.

03:18:34.000 If you ever try to apply for a visa to another country, they're going to go, let me see the notes.

03:18:39.000 New page is good.

03:18:40.000 Oh yeah.

03:18:41.000 Get a book.

03:18:42.000 Pegging.

03:18:42.000 Yeah, have it organized.

03:18:43.000 Why don't you have one of them little books?

03:18:46.000 What book?

03:18:48.000 A notebook.

03:18:49.000 It's called a notebook.

03:18:50.000 What are those little tiny books?

03:18:53.000 Yeah, a moleskin. 0.88

03:18:54.000 Get a moleskin. 1.00

03:18:54.000 Nah, it's too hard on the back. 1.00

03:18:56.000 That's not...

03:18:58.000 You literally have a football in your pocket.

03:19:02.000 Oh, yeah.

03:19:03.000 I've been told that before.

03:19:07.000 Football was a bad reference.

03:19:09.000 That's all I had.

03:19:09.000 I was looking for catcher's mitt.

03:19:11.000 There you go.

03:19:12.000 That's better.

03:19:13.000 All right. 0.97

03:19:14.000 Crying orgasm is killing. 0.94

03:19:15.000 You have a baseball in your pocket. 0.99

03:19:17.000 Soder has that one.

03:19:18.000 What?

03:19:19.000 You gotta watch that. 0.97

03:19:20.000 Crying orgasm.

03:19:21.000 Oh, he's got a bit on that? 1.00

03:19:23.000 His new shit, I did a... 0.99

03:19:24.000 He did the mothership last week. 1.00

03:19:26.000 Yeah.

03:19:27.000 And I opened...

03:19:29.000 He just put out a special, and he's got a new 40-something.

03:19:32.000 Soder's... 0.98

03:19:33.000 He's a monster. 1.00

03:19:34.000 He's a monster. 1.00

03:19:35.000 He's a monster. 0.95

03:19:36.000 Soder's the most underrated.

03:19:37.000 He's so good on a podcast.

03:19:39.000 He's in the top 20 of that, at least.

03:19:42.000 What do you mean top 20?

03:19:44.000 Of that.

03:19:45.000 He's in the top 20 of comics.

03:19:46.000 Of underrated.

03:19:47.000 No, he's in the top 20 of comics.

03:19:49.000 I'm saying easily he's underrated.

03:19:50.000 We're going to make awards again.

03:19:52.000 Yeah.

03:19:52.000 He's underrated.

03:19:53.000 People don't give him his respect.

03:19:55.000 He's awesome. 0.95

03:19:56.000 I think he went to the acting road and all this shit, maybe, and then... 0.96

03:19:59.000 No, he's finding his lane. 0.99

03:20:02.000 This is what it is.

03:20:03.000 He's coming into his own right now.

03:20:04.000 So does...

03:20:04.000 That's what it is.

03:20:05.000 I don't know.

03:20:06.000 This guy's just like...

03:20:07.000 Yeah, he rules.

03:20:08.000 Everybody's like, oh my god, they're so good.

03:20:09.000 It was you, Shane.

03:20:10.000 It was you.

03:20:11.000 It was like, oh my god, this guy's so good.

03:20:12.000 And then the whole world knows.

03:20:14.000 Sodor is the best.

03:20:15.000 It's gonna happen with him.

03:20:16.000 Yeah, but it's it's a weird process and you just gotta like kind of just keep grinding.

03:20:20.000 Well, I think you gotta put it on the internet.

03:20:21.000 Like you put a YouTube special out and everybody's like, oh, he's a Jew. 0.98

03:20:24.000 Like Ari with Jew. 1.00

03:20:25.000 When Ari with Jew, when that popped out, everybody's like, oh, okay. 0.99

03:20:28.000 He's a fucking legit comic. 0.98

03:20:30.000 The special. 0.99

03:20:31.000 The special.

03:20:32.000 It's called Jew. 1.00

03:20:32.000 Sodor's on the road. 1.00

03:20:33.000 It's on YouTube right now.

03:20:35.000 Yeah, it's good.

03:20:35.000 One month old right now.

03:20:37.000 Got a million views.

03:20:38.000 He's an animal.

03:20:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:20:39.000 Well, it's kind of nice because there's so much YouTube shit and the cream rises. 1.00

03:20:44.000 It's also like the community. 0.99

03:20:46.000 If we say he's awesome, we're not lying.

03:20:49.000 No.

03:20:49.000 We're not going to lie.

03:20:51.000 If someone's good, he's pretty good.

03:20:53.000 He's working on it.

03:20:54.000 He's got potential.

03:20:55.000 He's got something. 0.96

03:20:56.000 But when you get to that soda level, you go, yeah, this guy's fucking super legit. 0.87

03:21:00.000 Go see him. 0.95

03:21:02.000 He came to the club.

03:21:03.000 He murdered the whole weekend.

03:21:04.000 He only murders.

03:21:05.000 Everybody was talking about it.

03:21:06.000 He always murders since the day I met him.

03:21:09.000 And he's so nice.

03:21:11.000 I've never seen him not kill.

03:21:12.000 Likeable, fun dude.

03:21:14.000 He's awesome.

03:21:15.000 We didn't kill Tony together.

03:21:16.000 Someone mentioned Cat Williams.

03:21:17.000 He just goes into a Cat Williams.

03:21:19.000 He got a standing O at some point.

03:21:21.000 And he opened the podcast with a Cat Williams impression.

03:21:23.000 There you go.

03:21:24.000 He's like, I listened.

03:21:25.000 It's crazy.

03:21:27.000 And then you're like, I can write a joke, but I can't do any of these.

03:21:30.000 So he can do the impressions and the impressions.

03:21:32.000 He's thinking about drones are only fun in the United States. 1.00

03:21:38.000 Fuck! 1.00

03:21:40.000 That's so true. 1.00

03:21:41.000 That's so true.

03:21:43.000 It's an awesome time for comedy.

03:21:45.000 There's so many good guys coming up.

03:21:47.000 It really is.

03:21:47.000 And you read the comments.

03:21:48.000 We were like, I can't believe it.

03:21:49.000 I got Kill Tony on YouTube.

03:21:52.000 Then you got my favorite podcast.

03:21:53.000 Then you got my favorite comedian doing a new special.

03:21:55.000 Everybody likes what they like.

03:21:57.000 It's great.

03:21:57.000 It's a great time.

03:21:59.000 Yeah, quick complaining. 1.00

03:22:00.000 They can find out about so much stuff.

03:22:02.000 There's so much stuff that's available to see now.

03:22:05.000 I know.

03:22:06.000 But people are getting spoiled. 1.00

03:22:07.000 They're like, hey, that went on Patreon, you fucking cum guzzler. 0.99

03:22:10.000 I can't give everything away yet. 0.99

03:22:12.000 You're just reading comments.

03:22:15.000 Most people are really happy.

03:22:16.000 The overall thing is like, wow, what a fun time to be a comedy fan.

03:22:20.000 It is.

03:22:20.000 New stuff all the time.

03:22:21.000 If I was a kid like I was when I was listening to Richard Pryor tapes from my girlfriend when I was like 16. Everybody loved that shit. 1.00

03:22:27.000 This is amazing. 1.00

03:22:28.000 All the ideas like, oh, college kids or whatever.

03:22:30.000 No, they're all like Adam Sandler.

03:22:32.000 They're always the generally fun fans.

03:22:34.000 We have a Dave Attell special coming out in a week.

03:22:38.000 He's on the podcast Friday.

03:22:40.000 It's going to be crazy.

03:22:41.000 Hell yeah! 0.95

03:22:42.000 I've seen it.

03:22:43.000 It rules.

03:22:44.000 It rules. 1.00

03:22:45.000 He's a monster. 1.00

03:22:46.000 He's another one. 1.00

03:22:47.000 He's so underappreciated.

03:22:49.000 That's what I mean.

03:22:49.000 Top 20 of underrated.

03:22:51.000 It's a weird plus minus.

03:22:53.000 Well, you know what it is?

03:22:55.000 Putting Soder in the top 20 underrated comics is...

03:22:58.000 You're saying leave him out of the top 20?

03:23:00.000 No, I'm saying...

03:23:01.000 I'm saying no matter what the argument is, he's in there.

03:23:03.000 He's a great comic.

03:23:05.000 Guys like Earthquake and Scruncho and Soda.

03:23:08.000 Why are we rating?

03:23:08.000 They're all great.

03:23:08.000 You're saying underrated versus talent.

03:23:10.000 This is how dumb men are. 0.99

03:23:11.000 When I say top 20, I mean it goes, don't even talk about it anymore. 1.00

03:23:14.000 He's in this range of whatever.

03:23:16.000 The point is, he's great and he's underrated. 1.00

03:23:18.000 I think he's trying to cover up for his bullshit. 1.00

03:23:19.000 I think Soda is number one. 1.00

03:23:20.000 No, I'm saying when you talk about Louis, you're like, top 20 of all time.

03:23:23.000 It doesn't matter what kind of comedy you're into.

03:23:24.000 He's in there.

03:23:25.000 Let's move on to the next thing.

03:23:26.000 We got a David Tell special coming out.

03:23:28.000 Yeah, that's great. 1.00

03:23:29.000 The problem is, dudes are so gross, we have to argue even though shit we agree on. 1.00

03:23:33.000 I'm with Ari. 0.99

03:23:33.000 David Tell is top 20 underrated comics. 0.99

03:23:36.000 Yes.

03:23:37.000 That's what you said.

03:23:39.000 He's top 10 comedians.

03:23:41.000 I know, but I'm saying also underrated.

03:23:43.000 I'm saying people don't give him his due.

03:23:44.000 He is underrated.

03:23:46.000 But do you understand what I'm saying?

03:23:46.000 Can we just say he's awesome?

03:23:48.000 Can we just not argue like a bunch of fucking queens? 0.99

03:23:51.000 I agree. 1.00

03:23:51.000 I also agree. 1.00

03:23:52.000 I didn't start the argument.

03:23:54.000 You're the one who's a queen.

03:23:55.000 You're the one acting queenie. 1.00

03:23:56.000 You guys are a bad neighborhood back alley queens with knee scabs arguing over stupid shit. 1.00

03:24:08.000 We all agree. 1.00

03:24:09.000 It's fun.

03:24:09.000 Most underrated is a fun argument.

03:24:11.000 Of any sport, of any whatever.

03:24:13.000 Then you go to who's best versus ratings.

03:24:16.000 It's a fun argument.

03:24:17.000 Who's the most underrated football player?

03:24:19.000 It's fun.

03:24:20.000 It's a fun argument.

03:24:21.000 Who's the most underrated fighter, Ari? 1.00

03:24:26.000 Chris Brown.

03:24:27.000 Ben Henderson.

03:24:30.000 Dan Henderson?

03:24:31.000 Benson.

03:24:31.000 Benson Henderson.

03:24:33.000 Yeah, because he was great and maybe...

03:24:35.000 The most wins versus whatever dominate his division.

03:24:38.000 People don't give him his respect.

03:24:39.000 That's the formula I'm talking about.

03:24:42.000 It's a fun argument.

03:24:43.000 He's more of a pioneer.

03:24:45.000 But it's a fun argument.

03:24:46.000 Who's the most underrated?

03:24:47.000 It's a fun argument.

03:24:47.000 All time.

03:24:49.000 Not appreciated.

03:24:50.000 World champion.

03:24:51.000 All time.

03:24:51.000 Underrated doesn't mean best or worst.

03:24:53.000 Right, right, right, right.

03:24:54.000 You have to take rating into account.

03:24:56.000 That's actually a really good one.

03:24:58.000 Thank you.

03:24:58.000 That's a real good one.

03:24:59.000 Who?

03:25:00.000 Thank you.

03:25:00.000 One episode of Fighter's Companion.

03:25:02.000 Sorry, what was the name? 1.00

03:25:03.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

03:25:04.000 Dan Henderson? 1.00

03:25:04.000 Ben Henserson. 1.00

03:25:05.000 Ben Henderson.

03:25:06.000 Benson Henderson.

03:25:08.000 Give me one of those brewskis. 0.99

03:25:09.000 He was a killer. 1.00

03:25:10.000 Oh, damn. 1.00

03:25:11.000 What about Mighty Mouse? 0.99

03:25:13.000 Benson Henderson, he's a fun fact.

03:25:15.000 Mighty Mouse actually is a beast.

03:25:18.000 He was one of the greatest ever.

03:25:20.000 Agreed.

03:25:20.000 Iminari.

03:25:22.000 Underrated.

03:25:22.000 People don't know about him.

03:25:23.000 His stats, his highlight reels are fucking crazy. 0.98

03:25:26.000 Jason Ellis Skateboarder. 0.99

03:25:27.000 Underrated.

03:25:28.000 Great skateboarder.

03:25:29.000 Underrated. 0.56

03:25:30.000 Horrible skateboarder. 0.98

03:25:31.000 Wow.

03:25:32.000 Top 10?

03:25:33.000 Ellis?

03:25:33.000 He was top 10 in his prime.

03:25:34.000 I don't know anything about the sport.

03:25:36.000 No, no.

03:25:36.000 He was not?

03:25:37.000 You know more than me.

03:25:37.000 No, are you kidding?

03:25:38.000 He wasn't like top 10 in his prime.

03:25:39.000 Top 10 in skating?

03:25:41.000 Street skaters?

03:25:41.000 No.

03:25:41.000 He's got a huge dong, a lot of tattoos.

03:25:45.000 Not now. 1.00

03:25:45.000 Back then, before fucking Jackass got to him. 1.00

03:25:48.000 No. 1.00

03:25:48.000 You're crazy. 1.00

03:25:49.000 Wow. 1.00

03:25:50.000 You're way off.

03:25:51.000 There's so many better skateboarders.

03:25:53.000 No offense to him.

03:25:54.000 Street skatesboarders of that time?

03:25:56.000 No.

03:25:57.000 He never can be wrong.

03:25:58.000 Have you noticed this?

03:25:58.000 I'm saying I'm giving up for you.

03:26:00.000 You know more than me with that.

03:26:01.000 Shane, do you feel this?

03:26:02.000 It's a real flaw.

03:26:03.000 You know what he does, which is actually really impressive?

03:26:05.000 What?

03:26:06.000 Is whenever he is wrong, he goes, wow, I never...

03:26:09.000 Congratulations to you.

03:26:10.000 I'm gracious.

03:26:11.000 He would know more.

03:26:13.000 It's a psychotic movement.

03:26:14.000 Oh, wow.

03:26:15.000 I learned something.

03:26:15.000 Thank you.

03:26:15.000 You never called it a black power speech.

03:26:18.000 Interesting. 1.00

03:26:19.000 You're disgusting. 1.00

03:26:20.000 I hate you. 1.00

03:26:20.000 I think you made that black power thing up. 1.00

03:26:22.000 It's possible. 1.00

03:26:23.000 Or you're just not willing to see greatness because you hate black people. 1.00

03:26:27.000 America! 0.99

03:26:28.000 America does rule. 1.00

03:26:31.000 We're complaining about all types of gay shit. 1.00

03:26:34.000 What's your guys' favorite shit in America right now, dude? 1.00

03:26:37.000 My poop yesterday. 1.00

03:26:39.000 Now we're all sitting around going, yeah, what's the best stuff?

03:26:41.000 Let's go positive.

03:26:42.000 Cancel culture's bad, man.

03:26:43.000 Whenever there's a bunch of people telling you what you can say and what you can do.

03:26:49.000 No, that's a noise.

03:26:51.000 There's always the coolest thing is the people that go, no.

03:26:55.000 You can do whatever you want.

03:26:56.000 And that's what the coolest thing is today.

03:26:57.000 And that's like the punk rockers of today, the people that are rebelling against this bizarre system that even like the artists have somehow or another accepted as being the right thing to think and believe and trust. 0.99

03:27:11.000 Go along with, even though you know you're in a fucking cult. 0.99

03:27:14.000 And the people that are resisting that, knowing you're going to get labeled a fascist or a Nazi, just because you see what the fuck is going on, people are out of your mind. 1.00

03:27:23.000 How about leaving everybody the fuck alone? 0.99

03:27:26.000 Those people are the coolest thing about America. 0.97

03:27:29.000 Because this is one of the rare places on earth where you could still do that for now without being prosecuted.

03:27:35.000 But why do we blow the people who complain the most?

03:27:40.000 I feel like they're the biggest voices.

03:27:42.000 We don't.

03:27:42.000 We spend the most time talking about them.

03:27:44.000 But only if you pay attention.

03:27:46.000 If you don't pay attention to that, it goes away, like radio.

03:27:49.000 I know, but when Elvis was shaking his hips, they're like, can you believe it?

03:27:53.000 This is appalling.

03:27:54.000 This is inappropriate.

03:27:55.000 Why are we listening to them still?

03:27:58.000 But why would you want to be that guy?

03:27:59.000 Why would you want to be that guy?

03:28:00.000 It is funny.

03:28:02.000 You're a hater.

03:28:03.000 It's funny when you see somebody going, this guy, Jordan missed three shots today.

03:28:08.000 Don't be on that side.

03:28:09.000 Exactly.

03:28:10.000 Listen, not everybody's going to make it.

03:28:12.000 That's the reality.

03:28:13.000 If you're all running from wolves, not everybody's going to make it.

03:28:17.000 There's going to be a bunch of people that get taken out.

03:28:19.000 Yeah.

03:28:20.000 That's the only way that we stay alive.

03:28:21.000 It feels like a weird stance to take, like, I'm upset about this, I'm gonna complain about that, and you're like, this is your lot life? 0.99

03:28:28.000 No, there is great shit. 0.97

03:28:28.000 Of course, but you're concentrating on the musings of more. 0.97

03:28:32.000 But we know these people.

03:28:33.000 But you're doing it too.

03:28:34.000 Yeah.

03:28:35.000 Forget that.

03:28:36.000 All right, all right. 1.00

03:28:36.000 What's the great shit out there? 1.00

03:28:37.000 All right. 1.00

03:28:38.000 Sodor.

03:28:40.000 There's a lot of specials coming out. 1.00

03:28:41.000 There's a lot of great shit out there. 0.99

03:28:42.000 This is a great time. 1.00

03:28:43.000 UFC is great.

03:28:44.000 You said it best, Ari.

03:28:45.000 You said comedy is awesome right now because it's dangerous.

03:28:47.000 It's dangerous.

03:28:48.000 It's fun.

03:28:48.000 People get so mad and everyone laughs at them walking out angry.

03:28:50.000 And it's better.

03:28:51.000 The reactions are better.

03:28:53.000 You've got to be grateful.

03:28:54.000 It rules.

03:28:55.000 We should be so grateful.

03:28:56.000 It's so popular right now.

03:28:57.000 The failures among us are making more.

03:28:59.000 I've got to host Saturday Night Live.

03:29:01.000 He's not even a model! 1.00

03:29:04.000 If they didn't fire me, I would have never hosted that motherfucker. 1.00

03:29:08.000 He would have still just been on there. 0.99

03:29:10.000 I know, I just get weirded out.

03:29:12.000 People we know are angry about stuff that's cool.

03:29:16.000 I know, but you want to give them a hug.

03:29:18.000 Let's go for a hike.

03:29:19.000 People we know, comedians, are like, can you believe you said this and said that?

03:29:22.000 I'm like, I'm a comedian.

03:29:24.000 I have filtered all those people out of my life.

03:29:26.000 I don't want to name names.

03:29:28.000 You know what I'm talking about.

03:29:29.000 You gotta figure out how to change conversations. 0.99

03:29:31.000 That's legitimately what everyone has to do is as they talk, talk about that horrible shit, just be like, hey, great weather today, huh? 0.99

03:29:37.000 Or I don't know, whatever it is. 1.00

03:29:38.000 What the fuck kind of advice is that? 0.99

03:29:40.000 Shift conversation away. 1.00

03:29:41.000 When they go, politics sucks. 0.99

03:29:44.000 He just wanted to talk. 1.00

03:29:44.000 Race relations sucks. 1.00

03:29:46.000 You gotta go, hey, did you see the new development in this? 0.99

03:29:49.000 I've hung out with you at comedy clubs.

03:29:51.000 That's not how you talk.

03:29:52.000 That is too interesting.

03:29:54.000 Have you had this McAllen?

03:29:55.000 It's great.

03:29:56.000 With this advice, you should be president.

03:29:58.000 Exactly.

03:29:58.000 Bring us all together.

03:29:59.000 100%.

03:30:00.000 Your advice is so rock solid. 1.00

03:30:03.000 I'm saying, everybody downs you with fucking conversation. 0.99

03:30:07.000 Talk about the weather, guys. 0.99

03:30:08.000 Can't you just go with something fun?

03:30:09.000 Here, Ari, practice. 0.64

03:30:10.000 I'll go, hey, you see the genocide going on in Gaza? 0.93

03:30:13.000 No, but dude, there's a hike up there that is so fucking good. 0.84

03:30:17.000 You can go up to Masada.

03:30:18.000 Not right now. 0.99

03:30:19.000 Ari, they'll shoot you. 1.00

03:30:20.000 You're a dude. 0.99

03:30:20.000 That's a different side. 0.99

03:30:21.000 They'll shoot your nose off. 0.96

03:30:22.000 Negative, negative, positive. 0.97

03:30:23.000 Bro, they have long range rifles. 1.00

03:30:25.000 They'll fucking kill you. 1.00

03:30:25.000 You can still go to Masada. 1.00

03:30:27.000 There's no doubt if they see you in the crosshairs.

03:30:28.000 Oh yeah, that's one of them.

03:30:30.000 Dude, I love it.

03:30:31.000 As soon as I got back from me, everyone was like, oh, there's a genocide going on there.

03:30:33.000 I'm like, I don't know, man. 0.75

03:30:34.000 It was pretty fucking cool. 0.94

03:30:36.000 Tea leaf salad's great. 0.99

03:30:37.000 You at the cool genocide?

03:30:38.000 I wasn't at the genocide! 1.00

03:30:40.000 You guys are nuts! 0.99

03:30:42.000 No, we're not nuts. 0.99

03:30:44.000 We're just trying to get you to clarify. 0.99

03:30:46.000 I'm saying focus on positive shit. 0.99

03:30:48.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

03:30:48.000 Ignore the genocide. 0.99

03:30:49.000 Ignore the genocide.

03:30:50.000 Ignore the genocide. 1.00

03:30:52.000 You guys ruined fucking conversation with talking about genocide. 1.00

03:30:56.000 Shut up! 1.00

03:30:57.000 What do you mean, shut up about the genocide? 1.00

03:30:59.000 Shut up! 1.00

03:31:00.000 Let's have fun! 1.00

03:31:01.000 I agree!

03:31:02.000 Let's just ignore all the horrific things that are happening.

03:31:04.000 Well, let's focus on the genocide a little bit.

03:31:08.000 I think we should focus on the genocide slightly and then have fun once we figure that out.

03:31:12.000 Which what?

03:31:13.000 Which genocide?

03:31:14.000 You want to go down that road?

03:31:16.000 How many of the multiple genocides going on right now do you want to focus on?

03:31:20.000 What about the Uyghurs? 1.00

03:31:22.000 Should we focus on that for a while?

03:31:23.000 Should we take a break from having a good time with bros and be like, let's focus on genocide? 0.99

03:31:27.000 You ever in a bar where somebody brings up a fucking genocide? 0.99

03:31:30.000 It's the lamest conversation, guys. 0.99

03:31:31.000 No one likes it. 1.00

03:31:32.000 What I'm saying is, you gotta have a tool ready to go, change the conversation away from fucking dumb shit like genocide and horrible shit like politics and have it come back to some, hey, did you see this new movie? 0.99

03:31:42.000 Oh, that was great. 1.00

03:31:43.000 I'm not talking about genocide.

03:31:44.000 I'm talking about people annoyed by a word or a joke. 1.00

03:31:48.000 Same shit. 0.99

03:31:49.000 When it comes up, you're like, let's shift this conversation. 1.00

03:31:51.000 Alright, I'll shift.

03:31:53.000 The problem is social media, right?

03:31:54.000 Yeah.

03:31:55.000 Adam Schiff.

03:31:55.000 Because those people will post it.

03:31:57.000 And then they get a bunch of other cucks.

03:31:59.000 Pile on.

03:32:00.000 It's going to be a vicious clip.

03:32:02.000 This thing is it.

03:32:04.000 I'm saying, in real life, don't you think you should have a tool to steer a conversation away from the dogs, anger-inducing stuff?

03:32:11.000 So I'm saying, as a society, we've got to start having these conversations.

03:32:14.000 Let's shift. 1.00

03:32:15.000 As soon as politics, religion, genocide, any of this dumb shit comes up... 1.00

03:32:21.000 The negative shit was like, guys, what are we doing? 1.00

03:32:23.000 That one seems important. 0.99

03:32:24.000 Sure, sure, sure.

03:32:26.000 That's what everybody says about their thing.

03:32:27.000 Let's shift. 0.91

03:32:29.000 You guys ever go on Netanyahu?

03:32:34.000 He's going as OnlyFans.

03:32:35.000 Ask Jews. 0.99

03:32:37.000 Imagine if he had an OnlyFans. 1.00

03:32:38.000 God, you hear both sides of this stuff get so fucking downery. 0.99

03:32:42.000 No, no, no. 0.96

03:32:43.000 If we're going back to comics that became...

03:32:45.000 Look, I'm not worried about comics that are, like, actually righteous and have, like, a good point.

03:32:50.000 It's just the comics that became, like...

03:32:52.000 Speakers.

03:32:54.000 Like, just CNN Democrat.

03:32:56.000 Yeah.

03:32:57.000 Hardcore.

03:32:58.000 You know what they have in common?

03:32:59.000 It's weird.

03:33:00.000 You know what they have in common?

03:33:01.000 That's insanity.

03:33:03.000 Low ticket sales.

03:33:04.000 All of them.

03:33:05.000 Any time you see somebody start to post a lot about politics, their art goes.

03:33:10.000 Especially if you're talking about hardcore Democrat politics or other comedians.

03:33:14.000 It's almost entirely.

03:33:17.000 Well, it's weird.

03:33:17.000 They'll get mad even if it's a joke, but they'll try to ruin your life.

03:33:20.000 You see people, that's all they talk about, and it becomes like, ugh, you're just not doing jokes.

03:33:24.000 You're focusing on external things because you're not happy with the way you're being received.

03:33:30.000 Yeah, or it's making you not just write a joke.

03:33:33.000 I was going to do a joke about it, but Jimmy Carr did it.

03:33:36.000 And it's how, like, if you go on stage and you're like, for real, I didn't mean that.

03:33:40.000 I'm sorry.

03:33:41.000 They still won't believe you.

03:33:43.000 But it's like, you'll not believe my apology, but you'll believe the joke.

03:33:48.000 Right.

03:33:49.000 They want to believe it.

03:33:50.000 You want to believe the joke?

03:33:51.000 That's the weird thing.

03:33:52.000 It's a game.

03:33:53.000 They're just playing I Got You.

03:33:55.000 They're playing I Got You.

03:33:56.000 But why?

03:33:56.000 This is what you want to do with your life?

03:33:57.000 Because it's just a fucking game. 1.00

03:34:00.000 It's just like playing fucking pickleball. 1.00

03:34:02.000 It's the same shit. 1.00

03:34:03.000 It's just they're playing a game. 1.00

03:34:05.000 They're trying to win.

03:34:05.000 If they get you to complain about it, you lost too.

03:34:08.000 I guess so.

03:34:08.000 Exactly.

03:34:09.000 You let them do it.

03:34:09.000 Now you're corny.

03:34:10.000 You do to a certain extent, but sometimes you can make things seem as foolish as they actually are. 0.94

03:34:16.000 And if someone else isn't doing it, maybe you should.

03:34:20.000 At a certain point, with some arguments, it really depends on how much energy you want to invest in it.

03:34:26.000 Sure.

03:34:26.000 Whether or not you recognize whatever energy you put out on this thing is coming back at you, like times a hundred.

03:34:32.000 Right, right.

03:34:33.000 So you have to figure out what you want to engage with and what you don't.

03:34:36.000 Sometimes you should.

03:34:37.000 I just get confused by it. 1.00

03:34:39.000 It's confusing because you're not a fucking idiot. 1.00

03:34:42.000 If you were a fucking idiot, you'd be diving right in. 1.00

03:34:45.000 Why would you do that? 1.00

03:34:46.000 Trying to get virtual.

03:34:47.000 Why would you do that?

03:34:48.000 Trying to get people to give you likes. 1.00

03:34:50.000 It's fools. 0.99

03:34:51.000 I don't mean to harp on it. 0.99

03:34:53.000 It is fun to see a comic shitting on another comic, and you look down at the timestamp, and it's like 2.48 a.m., and you're like, all right, you're just drunk. 0.99

03:34:59.000 You should be DMing a slut, but you're doing this instead. 1.00

03:35:03.000 You went down a YouTube rabbit hole, and we're all going to die one day. 1.00

03:35:06.000 What are you doing?

03:35:06.000 Daddy's only half sold, and it's Friday night, and you have 150,000 Twitter followers.

03:35:13.000 You don't do that when there's an after party. 0.99

03:35:18.000 What do you care about people who suck? 1.00

03:35:20.000 Isn't there so much awesome shit to pay attention to? 1.00

03:35:22.000 I know! 0.99

03:35:23.000 We got a great time here.

03:35:24.000 But the thing is, if people suck in your industry and they're doing better than you, you just have to understand, someone disagrees with you.

03:35:32.000 All these people that are going to see that guy, they disagree with you.

03:35:36.000 You maybe should think about your delivery.

03:35:39.000 You should maybe think about what you are.

03:35:41.000 How you are being seen by people other than you.

03:35:44.000 Also, you're on the side of everyone's having a good time?

03:35:47.000 Or you're against that?

03:35:49.000 Yeah.

03:35:50.000 You decide that everyone having a good time is bad?

03:35:53.000 Yeah.

03:35:54.000 They're bad because they don't love your stance. 0.99

03:35:56.000 Not walking out, let me go fucking do something else. 0.99

03:35:58.000 You hate good, fun stuff. 0.99

03:36:00.000 My friend is an agent.

03:36:01.000 She's like, so who do you know that's funny?

03:36:05.000 Because we're getting back into the funny stuff.

03:36:07.000 We're not checking box anymore.

03:36:09.000 We're getting back into 500 people?

03:36:11.000 What are you getting back into funny?

03:36:12.000 You're a comedian agent!

03:36:14.000 What a hilarious thing to say!

03:36:15.000 But that's a true sentence.

03:36:16.000 We're gonna focus on the funny.

03:36:18.000 We're going back to funny.

03:36:19.000 We're forgetting this and that.

03:36:22.000 It's all about funny now.

03:36:23.000 I'm like...

03:36:23.000 JFL used to be buck wild.

03:36:26.000 They used to have a naughty show.

03:36:27.000 They would show you the best, coolest stuff.

03:36:28.000 The people who get Saturday Night Live for the shortest amount of time possible.

03:36:31.000 And anyone who could be good, they'd be like, here it is.

03:36:34.000 And now it's like, here's a bunch of checkboxes.

03:36:36.000 No one bothers going.

03:36:37.000 Yeah.

03:36:38.000 But was that a DEI thing?

03:36:40.000 Was that a money thing?

03:36:42.000 They didn't hold the line.

03:36:45.000 All these clubs hold the line.

03:36:48.000 That's why UFC is the winner.

03:36:51.000 UFC's the winner.

03:36:52.000 Are you going to do well?

03:36:53.000 Hold the line.

03:36:55.000 And it's, by the way, the most diverse company.

03:36:57.000 That's also what comedy does, too.

03:36:59.000 Comedy clubs hold the line.

03:37:00.000 No, they don't.

03:37:01.000 They're booking whoever's funny.

03:37:03.000 Yeah, that's when they don't.

03:37:04.000 It's when they don't hold lines when they don't book.

03:37:05.000 It's funny. 0.99

03:37:06.000 They're fucking whoever sells tickets. 0.99

03:37:07.000 Don't. 1.00

03:37:08.000 Ari, you're concentrating on comedy clubs and festivals the same way idiots comment on comedy. 1.00

03:37:15.000 Festivals are gay and dead. 1.00

03:37:17.000 Gay, yeah. 1.00

03:37:18.000 But holding the line is funny.

03:37:19.000 You've seen clubs go from, like, great bookers to, like, suddenly, like, oh, what happened here?

03:37:23.000 Ari, I'm telling you as a guy who owns a club.

03:37:25.000 No, the mothership is holding the line.

03:37:26.000 But, yeah, but I'm telling you it's not easy to do.

03:37:29.000 You have to have extraordinary resources to hold the line.

03:37:32.000 Yeah, but...

03:37:33.000 Why is that? 1.00

03:37:33.000 That's the reason, because you have to have money to say, fuck you. 1.00

03:37:38.000 You have to be able to say fuck you. 1.00

03:37:39.000 He used to have a list of people that would show the lineups to only one woman or less on the lineups. 1.00

03:37:44.000 And he's like, well, he didn't show yesterday's when there was four women.

03:37:47.000 And he'll look back and go, I just, I wish I would have just been funny.

03:37:51.000 But he was getting pressure.

03:37:52.000 He's getting pressure from people that own the club who are getting pressure from other outside sources.

03:38:00.000 And I'm saying, hold the line.

03:38:01.000 You'll just do well financially.

03:38:02.000 You'll do well comedically.

03:38:04.000 Everyone will be happy.

03:38:05.000 Just book funny comics.

03:38:06.000 You've got to be willing to let it all fall apart.

03:38:09.000 If you have a business, and this is the only way you make money, and you have 50 employees, and all of them are dependent upon you to keep the doors open.

03:38:17.000 If you have an email campaign or some kind of crazy campaign or protest or something, you run the risk of losing money, and you get scared.

03:38:27.000 Most comedy clubs make a little bit more money than it takes to run the place.

03:38:35.000 Most comedy clubs.

03:38:36.000 Right, right, right.

03:38:37.000 They don't do great.

03:38:38.000 Yeah.

03:38:38.000 So in order to do- So you're saying that Seattle place should ban those people because it's not holding a line?

03:38:44.000 What are you, Captain Strawman?

03:38:45.000 No, I'm saying hold the line.

03:38:46.000 I'm saying hold the line, book funny people, and don't worry about them because they're not real people.

03:38:51.000 They're not real people.

03:38:52.000 Ari, most do.

03:38:54.000 Yeah.

03:38:54.000 Great.

03:38:55.000 You're concentrating on the few that can't or don't or aren't cowards.

03:38:58.000 No, I'm saying hold the line when you have a good club that books good comics.

03:39:01.000 It's great.

03:39:02.000 And then suddenly they don't hold the line and you're like, oh, you're just booking people who sell tickets.

03:39:05.000 I'm talking about holding the line, bro.

03:39:06.000 Well, the craziest non-holding the line is the Canadian place that banned Dave, Louis, and who else?

03:39:13.000 Schultz?

03:39:13.000 Louis Gomez.

03:39:15.000 Oh, oh.

03:39:15.000 Seattle.

03:39:16.000 Who else?

03:39:17.000 Jim Florentine.

03:39:19.000 Who else?

03:39:20.000 One more person.

03:39:20.000 Seattle.

03:39:21.000 One more person.

03:39:22.000 Dave Smith.

03:39:23.000 No, no.

03:39:24.000 Florentine.

03:39:25.000 Oh, you're right.

03:39:25.000 You're right.

03:39:26.000 Seattle.

03:39:26.000 I thought Canadian.

03:39:27.000 Because they're behaving like Canadians. 1.00

03:39:28.000 Yeah, they're not holding the line.

03:39:29.000 They're not just like, we're just going to make fun of you. 1.00

03:39:31.000 You guys do whatever the fuck you want. 0.99

03:39:32.000 But they don't understand that they just Bud Lighted themselves. 0.99

03:39:34.000 And that's what's going to happen now.

03:39:36.000 Hey, Bud Light's great.

03:39:37.000 It is great.

03:39:37.000 But there was a thing that happened.

03:39:40.000 You remember?

03:39:41.000 Before you?

03:39:42.000 No, no, no, I don't.

03:39:43.000 Before you?

03:39:44.000 But that's what happens. 0.99

03:39:46.000 That's what happened to Google when they released that fucking Gemini AI that showed the Founding Fathers as being all black people and all the Nazis were diverse. 0.99

03:39:54.000 It's not going to work out for you. 0.99

03:39:56.000 The whole line, just do what's good and don't fall prey to that.

03:39:59.000 I understand, but they don't know that.

03:40:01.000 They're just trying to stay alive.

03:40:03.000 I'm just telling you that comedy club owners, for the most part, are barely making it.

03:40:07.000 They're just doing okay.

03:40:08.000 They're doing okay, and they have maniacs working for them. 0.99

03:40:11.000 I have to fucking count on a guy like you, showing up, you're dropping bathtub acid you got from some dude in the parking lot on Friday night. 0.99

03:40:19.000 I'm telling these comedy clubs, if you actually do want to make a living, don't fall prey to what the fucking bloggers are saying. 0.99

03:40:24.000 Just book who's funny. 0.99

03:40:25.000 Just book the good comics.

03:40:26.000 You're right.

03:40:27.000 Forget all that.

03:40:28.000 You can do that now. 0.99

03:40:28.000 As a club, when you get a world of shit online, it's scary. 0.99

03:40:31.000 It's scary, but I'm saying hold the line. 0.99

03:40:33.000 Don't fall prey to it.

03:40:35.000 I know, but they're scared.

03:40:35.000 Just book the great comics, and we'll keep coming out in droves.

03:40:38.000 If they have good social media and good marketing, that's possible. 0.99

03:40:41.000 But if they fucked up and they went all Ice House, and they don't have- Yeah, then it sucks. 0.99

03:40:46.000 Then you have a real problem. 0.99

03:40:47.000 Ice House did that?

03:40:48.000 Well, the Ice House never was good at booking the show.

03:40:50.000 I say Ice House not in reference to the new Ice House, but with the old one.

03:40:54.000 The old one was like one of the greatest clubs of all time, but like, on so many nights, it'd be like just the worst comedy there.

03:41:01.000 It just wasn't good.

03:41:02.000 Yeah.

03:41:03.000 You know, because they didn't have anybody that was booking it correctly.

03:41:05.000 And then you could come in and you could do shows there and it'd be amazing!

03:41:09.000 You could book your own shows, put it on your Twitter, it would be amazing!

03:41:13.000 But then you come the next night when you didn't do that, you're like, what the fuck is going on here?

03:41:17.000 Because they didn't establish the right social media presence.

03:41:21.000 They didn't establish the right email list.

03:41:23.000 They didn't have a good booking agent.

03:41:25.000 But look what happens to a JFL who doesn't hold it.

03:41:28.000 They're gone.

03:41:28.000 We'll just book what we think you guys will want.

03:41:30.000 And then it's like, actually nobody really wants that in terms of ticket buyers.

03:41:33.000 Well, we want to laugh. 0.95

03:41:34.000 So just fucking stay with what's funny. 0.99

03:41:37.000 You will be good. 0.99

03:41:38.000 Well, they're finding out, bro.

03:41:39.000 They're finding out.

03:41:41.000 But that industry is fueled by Hollywood.

03:41:44.000 Just for Laughs was always in bed with Hollywood.

03:41:46.000 And it never figured out how to disconnect itself even after Hollywood wasn't valid anymore.

03:41:51.000 It should have been just like, this is the best comics that we know of that are alive right now.

03:41:56.000 Skankfest.

03:41:57.000 Forget all the books.

03:41:57.000 Skankfest.

03:41:58.000 Nope. 1.00

03:41:58.000 No upscale tickets for fucking industry. 1.00

03:42:01.000 Not only that, with Skankfest, you can't... 0.99

03:42:03.000 Shane did bail on that.

03:42:05.000 Shane did bail on that.

03:42:07.000 But this speaks to what you're saying. 0.99

03:42:09.000 At Gamefest, you fucking can't get tickets. 0.98

03:42:11.000 It sells out. 1.00

03:42:12.000 It's fucking swarmed. 0.99

03:42:14.000 Exactly. 1.00

03:42:14.000 It's swarmed. 1.00

03:42:15.000 Hold the line.

03:42:16.000 That's what people want.

03:42:16.000 Mike, when you get to my level, you'll bail.

03:42:19.000 I'll be there every year.

03:42:21.000 Hey, good luck, buddy.

03:42:22.000 There's always like, it's Tim, Bill, and Shane on Sunday.

03:42:25.000 Everyone's like, I think they might be going.

03:42:27.000 One day, I'll bail.

03:42:28.000 One day, when you get to me, you can bail, bud.

03:42:31.000 Alright.

03:42:31.000 I think he's going to hold the line.

03:42:33.000 I'm gonna hold the line.

03:42:34.000 We'll see.

03:42:35.000 Then I'll snort it.

03:42:37.000 I actually got sick.

03:42:38.000 I'll be there this year.

03:42:39.000 Yeah!

03:42:40.000 I'll be there every year.

03:42:41.000 I actually genuinely got very sick.

03:42:43.000 It's a fun time!

03:42:44.000 I'm going this year.

03:42:45.000 It's a blast.

03:42:45.000 It's an important thing for comedy.

03:42:46.000 My agent pushed back every year and I'm like, I gotta go.

03:42:49.000 You gotta go.

03:42:50.000 It's an important thing for comedy because it's a festival made by comics for comics.

03:42:54.000 Yeah.

03:42:55.000 Wild.

03:42:56.000 It's a wild festival.

03:42:56.000 Oh yeah, bong and beer.

03:42:57.000 Bong and beer.

03:42:58.000 I already had like four of them.

03:42:59.000 Nah, bong and beer.

03:42:59.000 One more!

03:43:01.000 You're talking too much.

03:43:02.000 Also, come to Skankfest, Joe.

03:43:04.000 No, you're not.

03:43:06.000 Ari is. 1.00

03:43:06.000 Ari is talking about gay ass shit. 1.00

03:43:09.000 You guys are fighting about stuff you actually agree with. 1.00

03:43:11.000 You're talking about gay ass shit, but I'm talking about important shit. 1.00

03:43:14.000 I don't give a fuck about some Seattle club that fired fucking Lewis. 1.00

03:43:18.000 They fucked up. 1.00

03:43:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:43:19.000 And Lewis was cool about it. 0.99

03:43:20.000 Lewis was like, stop attacking this club.

03:43:22.000 They do what they want to do.

03:43:24.000 I do what I want to do.

03:43:25.000 Yeah, that's when you know you won. 1.00

03:43:26.000 That's the kind of shit you said. 1.00

03:43:27.000 Yeah, you go, alright, whatever. 1.00

03:43:28.000 Respect my opponent.

03:43:29.000 He's a good man.

03:43:30.000 Thanks for showing up.

03:43:31.000 Yeah, he went the bigger man on there.

03:43:33.000 Which is good of Lewis.

03:43:36.000 Easy, big fella. 0.78

03:43:38.000 There you go, Fatty.

03:43:39.000 Chug it down.

03:43:39.000 It's cold.

03:43:41.000 It was a cold one and he's putting it down, dude. 0.99

03:43:43.000 Damn, that was fast. 1.00

03:43:44.000 Damn, Joseph. 1.00

03:43:45.000 Such a nice feeling. 1.00

03:43:46.000 Yikes. 0.91

03:43:47.000 If you did that in Iraq, they'd shoot you. 0.96

03:43:49.000 They'd throw you off a building.

03:43:50.000 You'd do that in Iraq?

03:43:51.000 From an eagle.

03:43:52.000 Yeah, if you try to marry a guy.

03:43:55.000 Iraq, if you wear a dress. 0.93

03:43:57.000 You know what my favorite meme is?

03:43:59.000 Don't waste it. 0.71

03:43:59.000 Gays for Palestine? 0.71

03:44:00.000 Yeah, gays for Palestine and Palestine for gays. 0.99

03:44:03.000 Gays for Palestine rules. 0.99

03:44:04.000 And they still push in there.

03:44:06.000 They're still on board with it.

03:44:08.000 I swear to God, that's a Jewish Psy-Up, bro. 1.00

03:44:10.000 It's Russia. 0.81

03:44:11.000 It's Russia and China. 0.94

03:44:12.000 That's a Psy-Up.

03:44:12.000 Yeah, it's all a Psy-Up.

03:44:13.000 What's a Psy-Up?

03:44:14.000 What does that mean?

03:44:14.000 A psychological operation designed to subvert the people's opinions about things.

03:44:20.000 Gaslight you.

03:44:21.000 It's a good trick.

03:44:22.000 Yeah.

03:44:22.000 China's doing it right now.

03:44:23.000 That's why everyone's trans.

03:44:24.000 It's happening.

03:44:25.000 It's real.

03:44:28.000 One school, they found that 50-something percent of the kids identified as LBGTQ or non-binary.

03:44:35.000 Just joking around.

03:44:36.000 50 percent?

03:44:37.000 Yeah, 50%.

03:44:38.000 Jesus, that's way up.

03:44:39.000 What are the odds that that's real?

03:44:40.000 Well, Dr. Phil.

03:44:42.000 Zero.

03:44:43.000 I like that Dr. Phil.

03:44:44.000 He's a good man.

03:44:45.000 He said it best.

03:44:46.000 What?

03:44:46.000 I can't remember.

03:44:48.000 But he had a good line. 0.98

03:44:50.000 Oh, he said, if it's all about equity and equality, why the fuck am I paying $150,000 for this college? 0.97

03:44:56.000 If it's all going to come out equal in the wash, what am I going to the school for? 0.96

03:45:00.000 They never do the math on it.

03:45:01.000 Which is a good point.

03:45:02.000 Well, the thing is, we're entering into a world where AI is going to eliminate most jobs.

03:45:07.000 Yep, 30% of jobs.

03:45:08.000 Go on. 0.99

03:45:08.000 We have to realize that right now, if you're involved in computer programming, good luck, fuckface. 0.99

03:45:15.000 I know they told you you're supposed to major in this. 0.99

03:45:16.000 Good luck, fuckface, if you're studying that. 0.99

03:45:19.000 But by the way, you can learn from that and go on. 0.99

03:45:22.000 Jamie, what was your major?

03:45:24.000 Walmart. 1.00

03:45:26.000 The one I got is Recording Arts, but it's bullshit. 0.99

03:45:28.000 No, Gender Studies. 0.99

03:45:30.000 Whatever it was.

03:45:31.000 Kinesiology.

03:45:32.000 That's why you got that girl name, dude.

03:45:34.000 Became the number one podcast producer in the world.

03:45:37.000 How?

03:45:38.000 Just doing different stuff.

03:45:40.000 Not humble at all.

03:45:41.000 No.

03:45:42.000 Is that your business card?

03:45:44.000 Yeah, I'm getting a little nasty.

03:45:46.000 Leave my Jamie alone.

03:45:48.000 He's a good man.

03:45:48.000 I love Jamie so much.

03:45:49.000 Jamie, how come you don't come to my house anymore?

03:45:51.000 He's impotent.

03:45:52.000 You've been gone.

03:45:53.000 Come hang out with me, man.

03:45:55.000 You've been very busy, Shane.

03:45:55.000 Since you've been gone!

03:45:56.000 I need to bring you that meat thermometer.

03:45:58.000 I bought a meat thermometer for you. 0.99

03:46:00.000 Oh, that's a gay code. 1.00

03:46:02.000 No. 0.89

03:46:02.000 It's not gay. 0.89

03:46:03.000 No, no, no, no, no. 0.96

03:46:05.000 It's about digital meat.

03:46:06.000 Dude, it unlocks meat.

03:46:07.000 It unlocks grilling.

03:46:08.000 Yeah.

03:46:09.000 It unlocks grilling.

03:46:10.000 There's no guesswork anymore.

03:46:11.000 Can I see that bong? 1.00

03:46:12.000 Norman needs one.

03:46:13.000 It just unlocks it.

03:46:14.000 What?

03:46:14.000 I'm knee deep in whiskey.

03:46:16.000 Shut the fuck up and suck on this eagles asshole. 1.00

03:46:20.000 That's a new cup! 1.00

03:46:21.000 Nah, you've had that for two hours.

03:46:22.000 Alright. 1.00

03:46:23.000 Shut up and suck on this eagles asshole. 1.00

03:46:25.000 Bring it on, fatty. 1.00

03:46:26.000 Put it in my ass. 1.00

03:46:28.000 That's my favorite thing that you call me fatty. 1.00

03:46:31.000 I like when you call me fatty. 0.99

03:46:33.000 I like when he calls you fatty. 0.98

03:46:34.000 I feel a little less pressure. 0.92

03:46:36.000 I only say it to people who are not fat.

03:46:39.000 It's a good thing when you call it to me. 0.51

03:46:40.000 You said it after my Conan, you're like, good job fatty.

03:46:44.000 It's not one of my insecurities.

03:46:45.000 I like being short.

03:46:46.000 So when you call me fatty, I'm like, that one doesn't even register.

03:46:48.000 I don't like when they call you short.

03:46:50.000 I never call you short.

03:46:51.000 It doesn't bother me.

03:46:51.000 I call you shorty.

03:46:52.000 It's a term of endearment. 0.92

03:46:53.000 You called me fat earlier. 1.00

03:46:54.000 You fucking piece of shit. 1.00

03:46:56.000 That was me. 1.00

03:46:56.000 I said you're a big fat fuck. 1.00

03:46:57.000 I didn't call you fat. 1.00

03:46:59.000 He said the amount of fuck you are is fat. 1.00

03:47:02.000 If there's anybody that loves you more than I do, they're related to you. 1.00

03:47:05.000 I never called you a short little tiny guy.

03:47:07.000 But I am.

03:47:07.000 So there you go.

03:47:08.000 But I don't do that.

03:47:09.000 Because I love you.

03:47:10.000 I actually love you, so I don't call you a tiny guy.

03:47:12.000 I only said it because it was important for trying to get a laugh. 0.97

03:47:15.000 No, you were reading a kickboxing book and you were gay. 0.99

03:47:20.000 I was. 0.96

03:47:21.000 It's too cold.

03:47:22.000 Oh, you didn't finish it?

03:47:23.000 Give me that, Marcus. 1.00

03:47:24.000 Oh, you son of a bitch. 1.00

03:47:25.000 You have to finish. 1.00

03:47:26.000 You can't give anybody all the truth.

03:47:28.000 I didn't finish it.

03:47:28.000 I thought I didn't, but I did.

03:47:30.000 You can't give people your backwash.

03:47:31.000 No, no, that's all clean.

03:47:33.000 Bro, you ever see those people that make beer, they make this fermented beverage, and the women spit into it? 1.00

03:47:37.000 What?

03:47:38.000 Yeah, Bourdain told me about it.

03:47:39.000 Pull up. 0.98

03:47:40.000 He went to this place, and they made him drink this shit, and he's like, dude, this lady was spitting in it, and you have to drink it. 0.99

03:47:47.000 I've had that. 0.99

03:47:48.000 It was some South American.

03:47:50.000 I've had that.

03:47:50.000 You've had it?

03:47:51.000 They spit into it, they bury it, they spit into it again, they give you a bucket, and you're like, how much should I drink?

03:47:55.000 Like, as much as it should not be insulting.

03:47:57.000 That's not kosher. 1.00

03:47:58.000 You fucking drink a bucket of fucking... 1.00

03:47:59.000 Where was it? 1.00

03:47:59.000 Where were you? 1.00

03:48:00.000 Ecuador, the Amazon.

03:48:01.000 Oh, that's right, yeah. 1.00

03:48:02.000 Damn. 1.00

03:48:02.000 New podcast, you've been tripping out now. 1.00

03:48:04.000 Yes.

03:48:04.000 More stories of this.

03:48:05.000 Listen, can I give you advice?

03:48:07.000 Mark Norman's on tomorrow.

03:48:07.000 I actually wanted to talk to you about this.

03:48:09.000 Okay.

03:48:09.000 I don't think you should have a podcast that's about anything other than everything.

03:48:14.000 Yeah, I like to hear about travel.

03:48:15.000 Yeah, I hear you.

03:48:16.000 But you can always hear about travel.

03:48:18.000 Let's do another podcast.

03:48:19.000 No, but no, no, no, no, no.

03:48:21.000 Uh-oh.

03:48:22.000 Just Ari Shafir sees the world.

03:48:24.000 Yeah.

03:48:24.000 It doesn't matter if it's travel.

03:48:27.000 It doesn't matter if it's fucking some AI dork. 1.00

03:48:30.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

03:48:32.000 A shoot-the-shit podcast like this one. 0.99

03:48:33.000 Yeah, just you. 1.00

03:48:34.000 Yeah, I hear you.

03:48:35.000 Just you.

03:48:35.000 But don't limit yourself.

03:48:37.000 I hear ya.

03:48:37.000 That's another one.

03:48:38.000 The thing that always drove me crazy is like, you had to have these themes for every show, and I'm like, but it never stuck on theme when you and I get it.

03:48:45.000 The only time it never stuck on theme, you and I reviewed one of my comedy specials.

03:48:49.000 One of my earliest, earliest comedy specials.

03:48:51.000 That's risky.

03:48:52.000 Which one was it?

03:48:53.000 God.

03:48:54.000 That'd be tough.

03:48:55.000 I think it was like my first one.

03:48:56.000 No.

03:48:57.000 No?

03:48:57.000 No, usually I did a first one, but that one, because I was on tour with you, was not that one.

03:49:01.000 Oh, I think it was Talking Monkeys in Space.

03:49:02.000 Talking Monkeys in Space, yeah.

03:49:03.000 Was that Denver?

03:49:04.000 That was fun.

03:49:05.000 It was, uh, no.

03:49:07.000 No, Ohio.

03:49:08.000 That was Ohio.

03:49:09.000 Ohio, yeah.

03:49:09.000 Yeah, Rocky Mountain High was Denver.

03:49:11.000 LH? Yeah, that's a fun one.

03:49:14.000 But you had this thing where you would have guys review their comedy. 0.98

03:49:17.000 And I had not listened to it in fucking 20 years. 0.96

03:49:21.000 So I forgot about it all. 0.99

03:49:22.000 I was like, well, this is crazy.

03:49:24.000 But...

03:49:25.000 That's also okay, too.

03:49:27.000 Yeah, absolutely.

03:49:28.000 Like, instead of having this, like, one—this Ari Shafir sees the world. 0.94

03:49:31.000 I get what you're saying.

03:49:32.000 You're saying that's all I can do.

03:49:34.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.

03:49:35.000 But I'm saying that's just one thing.

03:49:36.000 Travel podcast.

03:49:37.000 You'll be tripping out now.

03:49:38.000 Mark Norman's on tomorrow.

03:49:39.000 But I'm saying there's lots of other stuff you can do, too.

03:49:42.000 Right, like this thing.

03:49:42.000 You know what?

03:49:43.000 You can do this.

03:49:43.000 Trust me.

03:49:44.000 Trust me.

03:49:44.000 Trust me about this model.

03:49:45.000 We should go to Spain to discuss Spain.

03:49:47.000 We should go to Spain to discuss Spain.

03:49:49.000 I would like to discuss Spain in Spain.

03:49:51.000 Why don't we bring some equipment and we'll do it in Madrid?

03:49:54.000 Okay.

03:49:54.000 Fatador.

03:49:55.000 That's fun.

03:49:56.000 Fatador is funny.

03:49:57.000 It wasn't Madrid, though.

03:49:58.000 It was outside Madrid.

03:49:59.000 There you go, Mark.

03:50:00.000 There you go.

03:50:01.000 We've been waiting for three hours.

03:50:02.000 Fatador! 0.99

03:50:03.000 But my point is, Ari, you can do all those things together.

03:50:07.000 Like, I have MMA podcasts.

03:50:10.000 You have more than one thing.

03:50:11.000 I think you doing a travel one is alright, though.

03:50:14.000 Yeah, it's cool.

03:50:15.000 But it's okay to mush them all together.

03:50:16.000 He loves travel.

03:50:17.000 Or you do lots of different things.

03:50:18.000 I think you should bourdain it.

03:50:19.000 I think you should actually do it. 1.00

03:50:20.000 Kill yourself. 1.00

03:50:21.000 I do. 1.00

03:50:21.000 I do some of those things at foreign places. 1.00

03:50:23.000 But here's my thing.

03:50:24.000 Put it all under one hub.

03:50:25.000 Instead of having it all on a bunch of different podcasts, like, I like the travel one, but I don't like the music one, Put it all together.

03:50:32.000 I get it.

03:50:32.000 That's a good point.

03:50:33.000 High level yoga as well.

03:50:35.000 This is the name.

03:50:39.000 You've never done it?

03:50:40.000 You can't touch your toes?

03:50:41.000 This is the name.

03:50:42.000 I'll touch my toes right now, dude.

03:50:44.000 Watch this.

03:50:46.000 Not bad, not bad.

03:50:47.000 Fair enough.

03:50:48.000 I stand corrected.

03:50:49.000 Ari Shafir.

03:50:49.000 You can't touch your toes.

03:50:51.000 Ari Shafir sees the world.

03:50:53.000 That's your heel. 1.00

03:50:54.000 You dumbed you. 0.99

03:50:55.000 Ari Shafir sees the world. 1.00

03:50:58.000 Dumb Jew, that's a pod. 1.00

03:50:59.000 Dumb Jew is a pod. 1.00

03:51:00.000 That's not bad either. 1.00

03:51:01.000 Especially right now.

03:51:02.000 A lot of people click on it just for hate.

03:51:04.000 Yes, I agree.

03:51:05.000 Yes, yes. 1.00

03:51:06.000 These dumb Jews. 1.00

03:51:08.000 You could be like, stand up here. 1.00

03:51:10.000 Travel podcast, you've been tripping about now.

03:51:12.000 Travel podcast is not here.

03:51:14.000 This out there, this out there. 1.00

03:51:15.000 It's all under the umbrella of these guys doing shit. 1.00

03:51:17.000 I think travel podcast. 1.00

03:51:19.000 One.

03:51:20.000 Put it all together.

03:51:21.000 It is all together if you search Ari Shaffir.

03:51:24.000 No, one podcast with all those things connected.

03:51:27.000 Don't have multiple podcasts.

03:51:28.000 We do different things like travel and eat food and do yoga.

03:51:32.000 That was my old one.

03:51:34.000 Just put them all together.

03:51:35.000 Ari Shafir Seize the World. 0.92

03:51:38.000 You got a lot of content.

03:51:39.000 Put it all together.

03:51:40.000 But if you have it, if you call it Ari Shafir Seize the World, it's everything.

03:51:46.000 It's everything you do.

03:51:48.000 It's anything all together, and it's just you.

03:51:50.000 That's what you need.

03:51:51.000 You don't need a bunch of people downloading. 0.99

03:51:53.000 I don't want to subscribe to four different fucking podcasts. 1.00

03:51:57.000 Shut the fuck up, stupid. 1.00

03:51:58.000 Put it all together. 1.00

03:51:59.000 My stand-up's not a podcast. 0.99

03:52:00.000 Whatever the fuck. 0.99

03:52:01.000 I'm not talking about it. 1.00

03:52:02.000 He can't lose.

03:52:04.000 He can never admit he's wrong.

03:52:07.000 What?

03:52:07.000 He can't admit he's wrong.

03:52:09.000 Well, what are you saying?

03:52:09.000 Because he has a skeptic tank or whatever.

03:52:12.000 Skeptic tank was great.

03:52:14.000 Skeptic tank was that.

03:52:14.000 It was great.

03:52:15.000 It's dead.

03:52:16.000 But it wasn't that.

03:52:17.000 It was themed.

03:52:18.000 But it was also Seize the World.

03:52:20.000 We did stuff about areas.

03:52:22.000 You had a theme.

03:52:24.000 I will say, I did your pod, and it's a good idea.

03:52:28.000 I did it too. 0.98

03:52:29.000 But it's all us talking about our bullshit travel. 1.00

03:52:32.000 We're trash in his pod right now. 1.00

03:52:33.000 I'm just saying. 0.89

03:52:33.000 No, we're trying to boost it. 0.89

03:52:35.000 I missed you.

03:52:35.000 I missed talking to you.

03:52:36.000 We're trying to boost it.

03:52:37.000 I know.

03:52:37.000 We also do that.

03:52:38.000 You're saying start another podcast.

03:52:40.000 Ari Shaffir, Seize the World. 0.97

03:52:43.000 I see you in the top 10 of iTunes right now.

03:52:47.000 Can I have an opinion?

03:52:48.000 Can I have an opinion?

03:52:49.000 Well, obviously not.

03:52:51.000 When it comes to podcast advice, maybe you should listen to the guy who might have invented it.

03:52:59.000 But what?

03:53:00.000 What are you going to say?

03:53:01.000 You've been wrong every time you've ever suggested anything when it comes to podcasts.

03:53:05.000 You are consistently wrong.

03:53:07.000 I have one of the best early new podcasts in the world. 1.00

03:53:10.000 No, that's so stupid and shitty. 1.00

03:53:12.000 In 2003? 1.00

03:53:12.000 Yeah! 1.00

03:53:13.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

03:53:14.000 I love you. 1.00

03:53:15.000 I think you suck. 1.00

03:53:20.000 I think you got a little gay-ass Bourdain in you. 1.00

03:53:25.000 Yeah, I got a Bourdain in me. 0.96

03:53:28.000 I think if you do the travel pod and you actually incorporate traveling into it, I think that would be wonderful.

03:53:34.000 Let me tell you.

03:53:36.000 Mark Norman, have you peed yet?

03:53:37.000 No.

03:53:38.000 Those episodes are coming, Shane.

03:53:40.000 I didn't know we were competing.

03:53:42.000 I've done them in France.

03:53:43.000 I've done them in Romania.

03:53:44.000 I've done them in another place.

03:53:45.000 I think, let's go to Spain and do yours.

03:53:49.000 100%.

03:53:49.000 Are you going to go overseas?

03:53:51.000 Going overseas, doing them there.

03:53:53.000 That's going to be too hard on the pod.

03:53:54.000 I do it when I'm out.

03:53:56.000 When I'm gone, let's do one Royale. 1.00

03:53:58.000 And I don't think you have to...

03:54:00.000 It doesn't have to be weekly.

03:54:02.000 You can just do it when you do it.

03:54:04.000 Right now I'm doing bi-weekly.

03:54:06.000 You want it twice a week.

03:54:08.000 And...

03:54:09.000 I think...

03:54:10.000 I get it.

03:54:11.000 It could be whatever.

03:54:11.000 That's what it is.

03:54:12.000 Cheers.

03:54:13.000 Keep doing you.

03:54:14.000 I would love to go to Spain. 0.98

03:54:16.000 You and me fucking hang out and chat. 0.99

03:54:18.000 Away from Madrid. 1.00

03:54:18.000 Kiss a little. 1.00

03:54:19.000 A little in El Norte.

03:54:21.000 Where everybody looks down on it.

03:54:22.000 What's in that pitcher?

03:54:23.000 This?

03:54:24.000 Yeah.

03:54:24.000 Coffee?

03:54:25.000 Water?

03:54:25.000 Yeah, give me some agua.

03:54:28.000 I'm going whiskey and beer.

03:54:29.000 By the way, you guys are only going beer.

03:54:31.000 You're always the most sober, dude.

03:54:34.000 I took mushrooms and you didn't?

03:54:35.000 You took one block.

03:54:37.000 It turns out it wasn't bad.

03:54:38.000 I took two blocks and it didn't do anything.

03:54:39.000 I knew it!

03:54:40.000 I knew I should have taken two right away. 0.97

03:54:41.000 You're a bad shaman.

03:54:43.000 I mean, I'm just trying to warn you with those blocks. 0.94

03:54:47.000 I feel the half a block.

03:54:51.000 But I'm doing whiskey.

03:54:52.000 Next special.

03:54:54.000 April 26th in Washington, D.C. Let's go.

03:54:57.000 Oh, a special.

03:54:58.000 Yeah.

03:54:59.000 Even though I should not devote my time to a podcast, I am also doing a special.

03:55:03.000 It's my time.

03:55:04.000 I also happen to be a stand-up comic. 0.99

03:55:06.000 We're both selling horribly in Tennessee, so come see us in Memphis and all that shit. 0.99

03:55:10.000 Forget Memphis, but on the road. 0.98

03:55:12.000 Next special, April 26th, AriShavira.com.

03:55:15.000 Dang, good for Ari. 1.00

03:55:16.000 Washington, D.C., Capital Turnaround.

03:55:17.000 And now you've got a new one.

03:55:18.000 Yeah.

03:55:19.000 We both put one out, I don't know, I put one out in September.

03:55:22.000 This past year?

03:55:24.000 October?

03:55:24.000 Yeah.

03:55:25.000 Yeah.

03:55:26.000 It's harder. 1.00

03:55:26.000 You've got to write new shit. 1.00

03:55:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

03:55:28.000 And we're working on it.

03:55:29.000 So come see us.

03:55:30.000 Yeah.

03:55:31.000 Now that Joe's gone, we can promote.

03:55:34.000 So, uh, say hello on the road.

03:55:36.000 Also, I think a travel podcast is...

03:55:38.000 Obviously! 0.96

03:55:39.000 It's a fucking great idea! 0.98

03:55:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:55:42.000 That's crazy! 0.99

03:55:44.000 But you gotta watch out if you interview fucking Ian Fidance about going to fucking eerie Pennsylvania. 0.99

03:55:50.000 It's not gonna be that. 0.98

03:55:51.000 It's all weird, fun places.

03:55:52.000 But I will go to Spain with you and do it there instead.

03:55:54.000 I would love that.

03:55:54.000 Instead of a studio.

03:55:55.000 Are you gonna fly to Spain?

03:55:56.000 Yeah.

03:55:56.000 I'll fly you to Spain.

03:55:58.000 You know what I'm thinking?

03:55:59.000 When we're free, over the summer.

03:56:01.000 I'm thinking as soon as I get done with this hour.

03:56:03.000 Yeah.

03:56:03.000 I can't wait.

03:56:04.000 Yeah.

03:56:05.000 I'm going to take like a couple months.

03:56:06.000 I think I'm going to...

03:56:07.000 This is his dream.

03:56:09.000 My real Chappelle Africa is I'm going to go live in Spain for... 0.92

03:56:12.000 Spain?

03:56:13.000 I love Spain, bro.

03:56:14.000 I've never been.

03:56:15.000 It's... 0.99

03:56:16.000 You've never met a culture that doesn't give a fuck about anything. 0.99

03:56:20.000 Dude, 2 p.m., let's just drink and eat small foods. 1.00

03:56:23.000 Dude, I'm talking no one gives a fuck. 0.99

03:56:25.000 Really? 0.99

03:56:26.000 Across the board.

03:56:27.000 The term siesta. 0.99

03:56:29.000 Banks are just like, yeah, it's fucking noon. 0.99

03:56:31.000 We're going to all take a nap. 1.00

03:56:33.000 A little siesta?

03:56:34.000 Yeah.

03:56:34.000 No, the siesta is, yeah.

03:56:36.000 How long were you there for?

03:56:37.000 A year?

03:56:38.000 I was there.

03:56:38.000 I was only there six months.

03:56:40.000 Six months?

03:56:41.000 Yeah.

03:56:41.000 Wait, when was this?

03:56:42.000 I was there for a year.

03:56:43.000 It's coming in an episode of You Be Trippin'.

03:56:45.000 You were there for six months?

03:56:46.000 It's coming.

03:56:47.000 It's coming.

03:56:48.000 It's coming.

03:56:49.000 I miss that.

03:56:50.000 Spain rules. 0.96

03:56:51.000 Uh-oh.

03:56:52.000 Get him, get him! 0.99

03:56:53.000 Oh, doesn't like black guys. 1.00

03:56:55.000 Doesn't like part black guys. 1.00

03:56:57.000 I know, I know. 0.99

03:56:59.000 He's shaped like a monkey, but it's still okay.

03:57:01.000 It's still okay, man.

03:57:02.000 He's a human. 1.00

03:57:02.000 Holy shit. 1.00

03:57:04.000 Cut that joke. 1.00

03:57:05.000 It's about me.

03:57:08.000 It's okay.

03:57:09.000 No, but...

03:57:10.000 He's short, but he looks like...

03:57:12.000 He's got gorilla hands.

03:57:14.000 I'm shaped like a primate. 0.94

03:57:17.000 You are very primate. 0.83

03:57:18.000 Not a bad thing. 0.99

03:57:19.000 You're primate-like. 0.98

03:57:21.000 It's better than being a stork. 0.99

03:57:22.000 I wish I had more primate. 1.00

03:57:25.000 Imagine getting stork fucked? 1.00

03:57:26.000 You do until it goes sideways. 1.00

03:57:30.000 Yeah.

03:57:31.000 Like that dude came up, William Montgomery?

03:57:34.000 Yeah.

03:57:35.000 Came up to you?

03:57:36.000 He's like, what was that? 1.00

03:57:38.000 And you're like, I'll fucking kill you. 1.00

03:57:40.000 Everyone's got a percentage. 1.00

03:57:41.000 Well, I did do that.

03:57:41.000 Right.

03:57:42.000 Well, I actually did.

03:57:44.000 Well, you put out a, what do you call it, a cold tank video, and your dong was really popping.

03:57:50.000 Thank you.

03:57:50.000 I'll tell you this.

03:57:52.000 In the cold.

03:57:53.000 By the way, Joe.

03:57:53.000 Don't let that be lost.

03:57:54.000 In the cold.

03:57:55.000 Yeah.

03:57:56.000 It was before I got a pre-cold.

03:57:57.000 I don't know if you saw it.

03:57:58.000 I don't know if you ever saw it.

03:57:59.000 First time we did the cold plunge, me and Matt, we had our podcast that week.

03:58:04.000 I was like, bro, I did the cold plunge with Joe. 0.99

03:58:08.000 God damn. 0.99

03:58:10.000 And then when you have to get in next and he's standing next to you and his dong's just right like... 1.00

03:58:14.000 You got a good dong, bro.

03:58:16.000 Thank you.

03:58:16.000 You have like an exceptional dong.

03:58:18.000 You got a thick one.

03:58:18.000 You got a thick one, bro.

03:58:20.000 Big dong. 1.00

03:58:20.000 And you can suck your own dick. 1.00

03:58:22.000 I can. 1.00

03:58:23.000 No.

03:58:23.000 Which, where was that fear factor up?

03:58:25.000 No, it's just, that's a flexibility thing. 1.00

03:58:28.000 No, it does require a huge dick. 0.99

03:58:30.000 Just flexibility. 1.00

03:58:31.000 If you had a one-incher. 1.00

03:58:32.000 Yeah, you can't suck your own dick. 1.00

03:58:33.000 But girls can eat their pussies. 1.00

03:58:35.000 What? 1.00

03:58:35.000 I've seen it. 1.00

03:58:36.000 No.

03:58:37.000 You have a different algorithm than I do.

03:58:39.000 Wait a minute. 0.99

03:58:40.000 You see those girls that are allowed to breastfeed and pull their tits out because they have a fake baby? 1.00

03:58:47.000 That's nice. 0.99

03:58:49.000 They found a hack in the system. 1.00

03:58:51.000 They have a rubber baby and they pull all these big juicy tits and they stick them in the mouth of a rubber baby. 1.00

03:58:57.000 Yeah, they have giant milky boobs. 1.00

03:58:59.000 The whiskey bottle. 0.99

03:59:00.000 Whoa! 1.00

03:59:03.000 Girls can eat their own pussy. 1.00

03:59:04.000 Wow, that looks like there's two girls there. 1.00

03:59:07.000 I don't recommend any of this behavior, but it is possible.

03:59:16.000 It has been done. 0.99

03:59:18.000 I licked my own dick once. 1.00

03:59:19.000 This is what I'm talking about when someone brings up politics. 1.00

03:59:20.000 You licked your own dick. 1.00

03:59:22.000 But there's a giant difference between a dick and a pussy. 1.00

03:59:26.000 What? 1.00

03:59:27.000 Norman just said he licked his own dick. 1.00

03:59:29.000 I licked it, but it took a lot of stretching and a lot of yoga and a lot of hours. 1.00

03:59:32.000 You spit on it.

03:59:33.000 You didn't lick it.

03:59:34.000 No, I got a lick.

03:59:34.000 No way.

03:59:36.000 Yeah, exactly.

03:59:37.000 Touch it to your tongue.

03:59:38.000 But then I felt weird about it.

03:59:39.000 As well you should.

03:59:41.000 I watched a dude in a video that a friend sent me.

03:59:44.000 I really wish he hadn't.

03:59:45.000 But this guy was inverted. 1.00

03:59:49.000 And he was like pumping into his own mouth and ejaculating. 0.99

03:59:54.000 And then he pumps into his own mouth again and ejaculates again. 0.99

03:59:57.000 Again? 0.99

03:59:58.000 He's a hero.

03:59:59.000 If it was a woman, the guy would be a hero. 1.00

04:00:02.000 If he's really filled with scum Tony. 1.00

04:00:05.000 Did you say that? 1.00

04:00:06.000 Come Tony.

04:00:07.000 Oh my god!

04:00:09.000 I can't believe I'm a gay man. 0.81

04:00:11.000 He's the straightest gay guy that's ever existed. 1.00

04:00:13.000 He's like at the cusp of being...

04:00:16.000 He could cross over with any stiff wind.

04:00:23.000 Any stiff breeze, that fence blows down. 0.99

04:00:25.000 And he's in the land of gay. 0.86

04:00:27.000 I think he's a heterosexual, but if in 35 years he comes out as gay, we'd all be like, oh, I mean, yeah. 0.93

04:00:35.000 I wouldn't be.

04:00:37.000 Tony does so well.

04:00:40.000 It's stunning.

04:00:42.000 The girls that he dates are so beautiful.

04:00:47.000 They're so pretty.

04:00:49.000 Listen to me.

04:00:50.000 Tony has been killing it since the moment I met him, even when he wasn't doing well. 1.00

04:00:56.000 Tony, again, it's a fucking talent thing. 0.99

04:01:01.000 Do you have the talent? 1.00

04:01:02.000 If you have talent, Jeff Ross gets laid.

04:01:07.000 No disrespect to Jeff Ross!

04:01:09.000 Highest lay-to-eyebrow ratio in comedy.

04:01:13.000 Tony, me and Theo, like two days ago I was with Theo and we were talking about Tony and it's so funny, we all do the same thing about Tony where we like, we make fun of him like, that show was, what I just did was unbelievable.

04:01:29.000 But we all make fun of him, and then we're all like, for real though, I love Tony.

04:01:35.000 I love him.

04:01:35.000 The show's amazing.

04:01:37.000 He's one of my favorite people on earth.

04:01:38.000 But him, personally, every time I see him, I'm like, nice.

04:01:42.000 Hey, buddy, nice to see you.

04:01:43.000 I love Tony.

04:01:45.000 When he hosts Kill Tony, he is the best host of any show that has ever existed.

04:01:50.000 Yeah.

04:01:51.000 That's my position.

04:01:52.000 He's a good host.

04:01:52.000 He's so good.

04:01:53.000 But even when you see him, I got Tucker Carlson to kill Tony last night.

04:01:58.000 Tucker Carlson had no idea.

04:02:00.000 What'd you say?

04:02:01.000 How'd you set it up?

04:02:02.000 How'd you set it up?

04:02:02.000 This is how I set it up.

04:02:03.000 We were all having dinner.

04:02:08.000 I'm having dinner with Tucker Carlson and Lex Friedman.

04:02:11.000 And we're having steaks and having a good time.

04:02:13.000 We were talking about women's rights?

04:02:15.000 We were.

04:02:16.000 A little bit. 1.00

04:02:18.000 We were talking about wild shit. 1.00

04:02:20.000 He told me some wild shit that I can't wait to tell you. 1.00

04:02:23.000 I can't wait to tell you some wild shit. 1.00

04:02:27.000 Please tell me about the war in Ukraine. 1.00

04:02:28.000 I'm going to tell you some shit that you're going to... 0.99

04:02:31.000 Dinner? 1.00

04:02:32.000 You're just going to go, whoa. 1.00

04:02:33.000 Some Putin shit? 1.00

04:02:33.000 We have 20 minutes. 1.00

04:02:34.000 Anyway, I like the guy.

04:02:35.000 He's a fun guy.

04:02:36.000 When we're done here?

04:02:38.000 I'm hanging out with Tucker.

04:02:39.000 We're talking about the club.

04:02:40.000 He's like, I think it's amazing what you've done here.

04:02:42.000 I go, you want to come to the club?

04:02:44.000 I go, Kill Tony's on tonight.

04:02:45.000 I go, Kill Tony is the foundation.

04:02:47.000 It's the bedrock of stand-up comedy in the known universe.

04:02:50.000 Does he have any idea what you're talking about?

04:02:52.000 No idea.

04:02:53.000 So I have to tell him.

04:02:54.000 He goes, how much can comedians make doing comedy?

04:02:57.000 So I say, Kill Tony sold out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row in an hour.

04:03:03.000 In an hour.

04:03:05.000 He goes, what?

04:03:06.000 I go, really?

04:03:07.000 I go, I'm going to take you to Kill Tony right now.

04:03:08.000 I'm going to go, let's just go to the club.

04:03:11.000 Do you have anything to do tonight?

04:03:11.000 He's like, no.

04:03:12.000 I go, great.

04:03:13.000 So I text Tony.

04:03:15.000 I'm on my way with Tucker Carlson.

04:03:17.000 Tony texts me back during the show.

04:03:18.000 Show's happening.

04:03:19.000 It's already going on.

04:03:20.000 By the way, at the beginning of the show, before anything, Ashley Judd sings.

04:03:24.000 No, Winona.

04:03:25.000 Winona.

04:03:26.000 Winona.

04:03:26.000 Wait, what?

04:03:27.000 Ashley doesn't sing.

04:03:28.000 Winona Drudge.

04:03:28.000 And Kiltony?

04:03:29.000 She sings? 0.89

04:03:30.000 How did I fuck that up? 1.00

04:03:32.000 What the fuck? 1.00

04:03:33.000 I blame Bud Light for my poor man. 1.00

04:03:36.000 Judd Nelson?

04:03:37.000 Bud Light's the best.

04:03:40.000 One thing I love about Shane is he's not a sellout.

04:03:42.000 When that guy...

04:03:43.000 No, it turns out Bud Light's nice, dude.

04:03:45.000 Drink responsibly.

04:03:46.000 I've been drinking it all night.

04:03:47.000 Wait, wait.

04:03:48.000 Judd? 0.97

04:03:49.000 Yeah, she killed him.

04:03:51.000 She goes on stage and sings. 0.84

04:03:52.000 And the audience goes, bananas.

04:03:54.000 They don't even know she's coming.

04:03:55.000 They go, ladies and gentlemen, Ashley Judd.

04:03:57.000 Banana Judd.

04:03:58.000 45 second round of applause, right?

04:04:00.000 Anyway, so in the middle of the show, the show's already going on, I text him, I'm coming over with Tucker Carlson.

04:04:07.000 Norton's on right now.

04:04:07.000 He goes, jump on stage.

04:04:09.000 I go, fuck yeah. 1.00

04:04:10.000 Wow. 1.00

04:04:11.000 So Tucker doesn't know this.

04:04:12.000 So I'm in the backstage, right behind the curtain.

04:04:14.000 I go, this is the crowd.

04:04:16.000 You hear him?

04:04:16.000 He goes, this is amazing.

04:04:17.000 I go, we're gonna go on stage right now.

04:04:19.000 He's like, what?

04:04:20.000 I go, I'm gonna bring you up.

04:04:21.000 And so Tony goes, my two favorite people just dropped by, Joe Rogan and Tucker Cousin!

04:04:27.000 We go to the curtain, pah!

04:04:30.000 Everybody goes nuts.

04:04:31.000 It was hilarious. 0.95

04:04:33.000 Kim Patterson goes, my grandma hates you. 1.00

04:04:35.000 It was amazing.

04:04:36.000 We saw him afterwards. 1.00

04:04:37.000 He was like, I called him a fuck-n-word. 1.00

04:04:40.000 What? 1.00

04:04:41.000 It was hilarious.

04:04:43.000 Wow.

04:04:44.000 Tucker Carlson had some zingers.

04:04:46.000 Really?

04:04:46.000 He had some zingers?

04:04:47.000 To surprise him with it.

04:04:48.000 It's not just like, I'm going to bring you on stage to a comedy show.

04:04:51.000 He had no idea.

04:04:52.000 This is a very specific kind of thing.

04:04:54.000 By the way, Tony, you can do lots of stuff.

04:04:55.000 Don't just do Kill Tony.

04:04:58.000 But you just bring him into that environment.

04:05:00.000 Wait, what did you just say? 1.00

04:05:01.000 What the fuck did you just say? 0.99

04:05:02.000 You giving advice to Tony like I gave advice to you? 1.00

04:05:04.000 Yes, I'm making fun of you.

04:05:06.000 I was like, Tony, don't just do the one thing.

04:05:07.000 Not make fun of me. 1.00

04:05:07.000 I'm giving you good advice, you fucking dumbass. 1.00

04:05:10.000 He likes the zen, too, there, Tucker. 1.00

04:05:12.000 Yeah, he does.

04:05:13.000 Interesting.

04:05:14.000 But to bring him into that environment, no idea?

04:05:16.000 No idea.

04:05:17.000 No idea.

04:05:19.000 And so he just goes on stage.

04:05:20.000 Wow.

04:05:21.000 The audience goes nuts.

04:05:22.000 He sits down.

04:05:23.000 He's like, this is incredible.

04:05:24.000 Yeah.

04:05:25.000 Yeah, this is what we do. 1.00

04:05:26.000 Damn. 0.99

04:05:28.000 Did he have zingers? 1.00

04:05:29.000 He had some zingers!

04:05:31.000 Did Lucas come in?

04:05:33.000 David Lucas?

04:05:34.000 No, David's out of town, unfortunately.

04:05:36.000 That would have been perfect.

04:05:37.000 But William Montgomery murdered.

04:05:40.000 William Montgomery murdered. 1.00

04:05:43.000 Damn. 1.00

04:05:44.000 William Montgomery is another dude who's just coming into his own right now. 0.99

04:05:48.000 He's coming into his own.

04:05:50.000 By the way, I saw it day one.

04:05:53.000 Listen, I've known that guy forever.

04:05:55.000 I saw William day one.

04:05:55.000 I've known William.

04:05:56.000 I remember you guys.

04:05:57.000 I remember we were at the Vulcan.

04:05:58.000 He would go on.

04:06:00.000 He'd sit backstage. 1.00

04:06:01.000 You guys would be like, man, you sucked. 0.99

04:06:02.000 I'd pull him aside and go, bro. 0.99

04:06:04.000 Well, that's not real.

04:06:06.000 That's not real.

04:06:07.000 I've known William Montgomery since L.A. I've known him since L.A. I watched it happen.

04:06:11.000 L.A.? I never said he sucked. 0.99

04:06:13.000 Not sucked, but like, what the fuck? 1.00

04:06:14.000 I never said he sucked. 1.00

04:06:15.000 I tried to get him to ditch his notes. 0.97

04:06:16.000 You hit me with the David Lucas. 0.99

04:06:17.000 What the fuck was that? 0.99

04:06:19.000 All I tried to ever do, which he did, was ditch the notes. 0.99

04:06:23.000 Ah, yeah.

04:06:23.000 That's it.

04:06:24.000 William Montgomery.

04:06:25.000 He used to go on stage with a notebook.

04:06:26.000 I remember that.

04:06:27.000 And read off the notes.

04:06:28.000 You can't do that.

04:06:29.000 I remember that.

04:06:30.000 You're so menacing.

04:06:31.000 I was sitting there going, dude, keep reading the notes.

04:06:33.000 It's so funny.

04:06:34.000 I for real was.

04:06:34.000 He's so much better though, right?

04:06:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

04:06:37.000 Right now he's better.

04:06:37.000 I think he's extremely funny.

04:06:40.000 He's funny as fuck, dude. 0.99

04:06:42.000 I saw him at Kill Tony Houston, I think. 0.98

04:06:45.000 And it was like, you just don't know what you're going into.

04:06:48.000 It's just like, are you really mad?

04:06:49.000 You know who's a fan of his?

04:06:51.000 The Black Keys.

04:06:52.000 So I have the Black Keys in the podcast. 0.98

04:06:54.000 I'm like, we fucking love William Montgomery.

04:06:55.000 You want to see him tonight? 1.00

04:06:56.000 And they're like, fuck yeah. 0.99

04:06:58.000 So they were coming to the club already. 0.99

04:06:59.000 By the way, never been to see stand-up.

04:07:02.000 Both Dan and Patrick.

04:07:03.000 No, that's not true.

04:07:04.000 Dan?

04:07:05.000 Not both.

04:07:06.000 No way.

04:07:06.000 One of them hung out with Schumer.

04:07:08.000 But never saw stand-up live Patrick, 100%.

04:07:11.000 And he's the big stand-up fan.

04:07:13.000 They're both stand-up fans.

04:07:14.000 But I don't know if Dan had seen it before, but Patrick 100% told me he had never seen live stand-up until he came to my club.

04:07:22.000 What?

04:07:22.000 Never seen live stand-up?

04:07:24.000 Why not?

04:07:24.000 He only watched it on YouTube or on Netflix or whatever.

04:07:28.000 So they tell me they're a fan of Williams.

04:07:31.000 I go, William, you're going to go up tonight.

04:07:32.000 I'm going to have you go up second.

04:07:34.000 Because you can't have William go up first because it's too weird. 0.99

04:07:37.000 People don't know what the fuck is going on. 0.98

04:07:39.000 So he goes up second and murders all the greatest hits. 0.99

04:07:43.000 I was in the balcony with the Black Keys while they were dying, watching William Montgomery, and I set it up.

04:07:50.000 It was amazing.

04:07:51.000 It was amazing.

04:07:54.000 So what's Tucker doing?

04:07:55.000 What does he think after the show?

04:07:56.000 Did he like it?

04:07:57.000 He was blown away.

04:07:57.000 We went to Mitzi's.

04:07:59.000 We hung out at Mitzi's.

04:08:00.000 He doesn't drink, right? 1.00

04:08:01.000 He doesn't drink, but he's hanging out with a bunch of fucking drunks. 1.00

04:08:05.000 Got a lot of hugs. 0.99

04:08:06.000 There was a lot of sweaty armpits on his shoulder.

04:08:08.000 Do you ever see that guy trying to get Tucker Carlson without realizing it's him?

04:08:13.000 He's fishing in Central Park.

04:08:15.000 And some guy's like, what are you doing here?

04:08:17.000 He goes, what do you mean?

04:08:18.000 How much longer do we have?

04:08:19.000 He was very nice.

04:08:20.000 How much time?

04:08:21.000 An hour. 0.99

04:08:21.000 Whatever the fuck we want. 0.99

04:08:23.000 Go to the bathroom and come back. 1.00

04:08:25.000 Go whiz, bro.

04:08:25.000 But he goes, what are you doing?

04:08:26.000 He goes, I'm allowed to fish.

04:08:28.000 This podcast is like six hours old.

04:08:30.000 It always is.

04:08:31.000 It's fun.

04:08:31.000 But this is the craziest one.

04:08:32.000 It's the best.

04:08:33.000 How many hours are we in, Jamie?

04:08:34.000 I'm fired up, Jamie.

04:08:35.000 Four hours?

04:08:36.000 Four?

04:08:36.000 What?

04:08:36.000 We could just turn it off and keep going, but we've been doing the same thing.

04:08:39.000 We're going to be doing the same thing in an hour in the fucking green room. 0.98

04:08:43.000 That felt like an hour. 1.00

04:08:44.000 That's what I'm talking about, bitch. 1.00

04:08:45.000 The guy's like, why are you filming? 1.00

04:08:47.000 The guy's like, I'm allowed.

04:08:47.000 He goes, I know you're allowed, sir.

04:08:49.000 I'm asking you why you're doing it.

04:08:51.000 He was so nice.

04:08:51.000 He goes, no, it's legal to fish here.

04:08:53.000 The guy had no idea who he was filming.

04:08:54.000 He just thought he was filming a random...

04:08:56.000 But this was a long time ago.

04:08:57.000 It was.

04:08:58.000 I thought it was like five years ago.

04:08:59.000 No, I think this was like early 2000s.

04:09:01.000 Well, there's so many narratives.

04:09:02.000 He's like, you're allowed to fish in any pond in New York, obviously.

04:09:05.000 Everybody's so mean.

04:09:05.000 Everybody's bad.

04:09:06.000 It's all narrative. 1.00

04:09:08.000 It's all just like vibes and bullshit. 0.99

04:09:10.000 He's not a bad guy, man. 0.99

04:09:12.000 He's not.

04:09:13.000 I hung out with the dude.

04:09:14.000 He's not a bad guy.

04:09:15.000 I met him a couple of times.

04:09:16.000 Tour with the dead.

04:09:16.000 He's just a guy.

04:09:18.000 Went on the road with the dead, followed him around.

04:09:20.000 He was a Grateful Deadhead.

04:09:21.000 They got the bad idea about all these people. 1.00

04:09:24.000 He's in the fucking belly of the beast. 1.00

04:09:27.000 And he recognizes. 1.00

04:09:28.000 10 years ago, 2015 or something.

04:09:30.000 Okay, 2015. Fly fishing in Central Park.

04:09:33.000 What a fucking What a hippie nerd he is. 1.00

04:09:36.000 And you guys think he's the evil. 1.00

04:09:38.000 He's a hippie! 0.62

04:09:39.000 Well, he's a fly fisherman.

04:09:41.000 In Central Park!

04:09:42.000 Yeah.

04:09:43.000 He lives in Maine.

04:09:44.000 He hunts and fishes in Maine.

04:09:46.000 Yeah.

04:09:46.000 And he lives in Florida sometimes.

04:09:48.000 He's a good dude, man.

04:09:50.000 How you doing, buddy?

04:09:50.000 I'm telling you.

04:09:51.000 He's just very odd.

04:09:53.000 He's very odd.

04:09:54.000 He's the most Canadian-American there is.

04:09:56.000 Is he Canadian?

04:09:56.000 No, but he's like, how you doing, sir?

04:09:58.000 Right.

04:09:59.000 He just got that vibe.

04:10:00.000 But he's from California.

04:10:01.000 Yeah, he's from L.A. He's a nice guy, man.

04:10:04.000 I'm telling you.

04:10:04.000 It's just like he takes on controversial subjects and becomes a lightning rod for hate.

04:10:09.000 If he told me he's never done mushrooms.

04:10:11.000 For sure he's done mushrooms.

04:10:12.000 He did a lot of coke.

04:10:13.000 I'd say, I don't believe you.

04:10:15.000 He did a lot of coke, man.

04:10:17.000 He talks about it.

04:10:17.000 Really?

04:10:17.000 That was his thing.

04:10:18.000 Whoa.

04:10:19.000 I'm telling you, man.

04:10:21.000 He's a lightning rod for what?

04:10:22.000 Why is it?

04:10:22.000 Why do they get a vibe on someone?

04:10:24.000 Because he was on Fox News.

04:10:26.000 He was challenging them.

04:10:28.000 He goes, we shouldn't be at war.

04:10:30.000 Wow.

04:10:31.000 On Fox News.

04:10:33.000 Not in his off time.

04:10:34.000 On Fox News. 1.00

04:10:35.000 What are we doing in this fucking stand? 0.99

04:10:38.000 RFK's against war. 0.99

04:10:39.000 Well, the problem is that we all want to classify people as on our tribe or not on our tribe.

04:10:46.000 Good or bad.

04:10:47.000 Are we in or are we out?

04:10:49.000 It's ideological.

04:10:50.000 It's too easy. 1.00

04:10:50.000 It's too dumb. 1.00

04:10:51.000 Minimalist. 0.98

04:10:51.000 And it's people like us, people like you and me, and you as well, that used to be on the left. 0.98

04:10:55.000 I would consider myself on the left most of my life, until I was in my late 40s, and I was like, what are you guys doing?

04:11:02.000 This is crazy.

04:11:03.000 Well, they lost the plot. 0.99

04:11:04.000 The plot was supposed to be free speech, open dialogue, communication, acceptance of all people as long as they're not doing something fucked up to fucking destroy other people's lives. 0.76

04:11:18.000 I think it's just the militant left is what we're against, so it pushes everyone to the right, but we're like, no, no, you guys are speaking for us suddenly. 0.90

04:11:25.000 That's where China won.

04:11:26.000 They won. 1.00

04:11:27.000 They empowered that fucking radical, excitable, insane, schizophrenic, fucking SSRI addled left. 1.00

04:11:36.000 The left that was like the most bonkers of bonkers. 1.00

04:11:40.000 Shane, put your fucking headphones on. 1.00

04:11:41.000 TikTok got in there. 1.00

04:11:43.000 TikTok got in there and fucked us all up. 0.99

04:11:45.000 My headphones were on the whole time. 0.99

04:11:46.000 You didn't get any.

04:11:47.000 What do you think about this ban on TikTok?

04:11:49.000 It's coming.

04:11:50.000 I love it.

04:11:51.000 It's coming.

04:11:51.000 We need it.

04:11:51.000 Get it out of our society.

04:11:53.000 You don't want it, Ari. 1.00

04:11:54.000 It's garbage. 1.00

04:11:54.000 Get it out of our society. 1.00

04:11:55.000 And Instagram.

04:11:56.000 And Twitter.

04:11:57.000 And Facebook.

04:11:58.000 Ban it all.

04:11:59.000 Spoken like a true Jew. 0.99

04:12:00.000 Ban it all.

04:12:01.000 Listen, this is the problem.

04:12:03.000 You know how to ban it?

04:12:04.000 True Jew. 0.89

04:12:06.000 Because IDF? Because they're exposing what's happening in Palestine?

04:12:10.000 Ban it all.

04:12:11.000 I'm so drunk, I said two-Jew, I think. 1.00

04:12:13.000 Two-Jew. 1.00

04:12:15.000 He's spoken like a two-Jew. 0.97

04:12:17.000 Ban it all.

04:12:18.000 It's a waste of my time.

04:12:20.000 I'm a weird officer!

04:12:20.000 I don't even...

04:12:23.000 Two-Jew's gonna call the Skler brothers. 1.00

04:12:25.000 I know my rights.

04:12:29.000 But no.

04:12:30.000 Fire that up.

04:12:31.000 Who's getting it next?

04:12:31.000 You can't ban anything, Ari.

04:12:34.000 I say ban it all. 1.00

04:12:36.000 Listen, bitch. 1.00

04:12:37.000 Stay off Twitter. 1.00

04:12:38.000 I did one. 0.99

04:12:39.000 Mark, you did one, you cow.

04:12:40.000 I did four.

04:12:41.000 I did four.

04:12:44.000 Ari, don't smoke John McAfee's meth.

04:12:48.000 Okay?

04:12:49.000 Don't go on TikTok.

04:12:51.000 Same thing.

04:12:52.000 Obviously, don't ban it. 1.00

04:12:53.000 But not obviously, you fuck. 1.00

04:12:55.000 But ban it all. 1.00

04:12:56.000 You What you said was ban it, you piece of shit. 1.00

04:12:59.000 Yeah, you're a goddamn fascist. 1.00

04:13:01.000 Any time we can get off the phone is better. 1.00

04:13:03.000 Ban it all.

04:13:04.000 No.

04:13:04.000 Ban it all.

04:13:05.000 Let people stay on the phone if they're so fucking dumb. 1.00

04:13:08.000 If they get killed by wolves, they're the slowest motherfuckers at the end of the line. 1.00

04:13:13.000 Well, there's no wolves. 1.00

04:13:14.000 Let them get killed by... 1.00

04:13:15.000 There's wolves, motherfuckers. 1.00

04:13:16.000 There's Chinese wolves. 1.00

04:13:17.000 There's Chinese TikTok wolves, and they're trying to make you trans. 1.00

04:13:22.000 And they know what the fuck they're doing. 1.00

04:13:25.000 And over there, in China, they're doing push-ups and kung-fu, and they're fucking people up. 1.00

04:13:32.000 Nah, we're gonna fuck them up, bro. 0.99

04:13:34.000 You ever seen Chinese movies? 0.99

04:13:36.000 I love Chinese movies. 0.64

04:13:38.000 Chinese movies where they hire a hotshot American actress who are B-level, and they just have them get the fuck beaten out of them by Chinese super soldiers. 0.79

04:13:46.000 They're amazing.

04:13:47.000 Yeah, Frank Grillo did a couple of those.

04:13:49.000 I've seen the blurry porn.

04:13:50.000 No, it's Japanese. 0.86

04:13:51.000 Oh, is that Japanese? 1.00

04:13:53.000 Chinese does not blur.

04:13:55.000 They don't blur?

04:13:56.000 They break out the minors.

04:13:58.000 Oh, hey, well, bring it on.

04:14:00.000 Just saying.

04:14:02.000 Send me a link.

04:14:03.000 As long as they're Uyghurs. 1.00

04:14:04.000 I don't have a...

04:14:06.000 But for real, what are they doing?

04:14:07.000 When they're 17, it's like, you know they wanted it.

04:14:10.000 What are they doing with the Uyghurs? 1.00

04:14:11.000 Making iPhones?

04:14:12.000 Do you want an iPhone or not?

04:14:13.000 No one cares about the Uyghurs. 1.00

04:14:13.000 Shut the fuck up or buy a Samsung. 1.00

04:14:15.000 The Muslims are getting killed. 1.00

04:14:16.000 They're slavery right now. 1.00

04:14:17.000 You know you can't even buy a Fairphone in America?

04:14:20.000 You can't.

04:14:20.000 I got high the other day and I decided I'm gonna go full eco.

04:14:24.000 You can't even do it.

04:14:25.000 You can't buy a Fairphone in America.

04:14:26.000 What's a Fairphone?

04:14:27.000 A $700 phone with no slavery.

04:14:30.000 It's a phone that is like sustainably sourced materials.

04:14:35.000 No, it's not expensive.

04:14:36.000 It'd be a couple hundred dollars more.

04:14:38.000 You can replace the battery.

04:14:40.000 It's modular.

04:14:41.000 Let's do regular ones.

04:14:43.000 You're doing good. 1.00

04:14:43.000 Ari, you cocksucker. 1.00

04:14:44.000 Thank you. 1.00

04:14:45.000 We're talking about Fairphones. 0.99

04:14:47.000 Yeah, why can't you buy one?

04:14:48.000 You can, but you can only buy it if you live in another country.

04:14:52.000 Yeah, that's crazy, right?

04:14:53.000 All these labels here, you can't buy a Fairphone.

04:14:56.000 I don't know what the deal is, but in America, you can't buy this phone called a Fairphone.

04:15:01.000 And the Fairphone is a phone that's sustainably sourced.

04:15:04.000 They get all their cobalt through ethical mining, allegedly.

04:15:08.000 I don't know what's real.

04:15:09.000 But you can pop off the back, remove the battery, you can take every single piece of it as modular, it can be replaced.

04:15:16.000 Yeah, why don't they have those?

04:15:17.000 That's crazy.

04:15:18.000 They have it in another country.

04:15:20.000 It should be readily available here for all the liberals who are like...

04:15:23.000 Yeah, you're literally tweeting on a phone that's made by slaves. 0.96

04:15:28.000 Most of the virtual signaling, if you get to the...

04:15:31.000 Siddharth Kara, who wrote this book, and he did a lot of investigative journalism on the Congo, talking about cobalt mining.

04:15:37.000 Tiny Asian hands. 0.99

04:15:39.000 No, it's Africans. 1.00

04:15:41.000 If you get to the end of the cobalt mining, it's fucking people pulling out minerals with rocks, sticks and shit, pulling shit out, and they're getting toxic fumes. 1.00

04:15:51.000 Yeah, but Trump's mean sometimes. 1.00

04:15:54.000 Yeah.

04:15:54.000 Give me a beer.

04:15:56.000 I'm trying to get more Americans.

04:15:57.000 Yeah, which one of you guys is going to vote for Donald Trump?

04:16:01.000 Which one of us isn't?

04:16:02.000 I don't vote, but I'm in whatever you guys decide as a country.

04:16:06.000 I like that RFK. You're going to vote for RFK? He seems fun.

04:16:09.000 Over Trump?

04:16:10.000 I'm going to vote for Donald Trump.

04:16:12.000 Donald Duck, as always.

04:16:12.000 So if you had to vote for Trump or Biden, who are you voting for?

04:16:15.000 Well, I voted for Biden last time.

04:16:18.000 What?

04:16:19.000 I did, yeah. 0.99

04:16:20.000 That's so gay. 1.00

04:16:21.000 I was mad about the comedy stuff. 0.99

04:16:26.000 That makes it worse.

04:16:29.000 You don't think it's going to kick up again?

04:16:31.000 What's that?

04:16:31.000 You just bong another one?

04:16:32.000 Yeah.

04:16:33.000 You might be my king.

04:16:34.000 Silently.

04:16:35.000 I didn't want to do this, but this is just to honor you.

04:16:39.000 I didn't want any fanfare.

04:16:40.000 I just want to do that for the love of the game.

04:16:42.000 I did a bunch of them secretly.

04:16:43.000 That's how I do it.

04:16:44.000 For the love of the game.

04:16:46.000 It's good to see.

04:16:47.000 I honor you with this.

04:16:49.000 I'm all about the love of the game.

04:16:50.000 Show the honor. 1.00

04:16:51.000 Can I just say, if you vote, you're a fucking dork. 1.00

04:16:54.000 Get out of the system. 1.00

04:16:55.000 You're a fucking dork. 1.00

04:16:57.000 I like what you're saying. 1.00

04:16:58.000 Ban TikTok and no voting.

04:17:00.000 Good call.

04:17:00.000 There you go.

04:17:00.000 I like Elizabeth Warren.

04:17:02.000 Ramp up the Patriot Act, Ari.

04:17:04.000 Let's make it even more hardcore. 0.95

04:17:06.000 And definitely start your travel podcast.

04:17:08.000 You just collected that can and put it in your thing.

04:17:09.000 That was the first one.

04:17:11.000 That was the first one.

04:17:12.000 That's how you were even close.

04:17:12.000 It was the first one.

04:17:13.000 It was the first one.

04:17:14.000 It was the first one.

04:17:15.000 I was hoping you didn't see it.

04:17:16.000 Ari.

04:17:17.000 You did?

04:17:17.000 Yes.

04:17:18.000 Definitely start your travel podcast when you can't fucking travel anymore because you signed up for a ban on TikTok. 0.96

04:17:23.000 You signed up for a centralized digital currency. 0.99

04:17:26.000 You took the vaccine.

04:17:27.000 I'm going to Cuba.

04:17:28.000 You did everything!

04:17:29.000 Oh, great!

04:17:30.000 Communist!

04:17:31.000 Because I want more bananas! 1.00

04:17:34.000 Go plant bananas, you fucking bitch! 1.00

04:17:37.000 Do you think we did bananas? 1.00

04:17:38.000 What?

04:17:39.000 Plantains!

04:17:40.000 Plantains?

04:17:41.000 I need fried Cuban food.

04:17:43.000 Jamie, wake up! 1.00

04:17:43.000 Jamie, play the fucking thing. 1.00

04:17:44.000 We're already banned on YouTube. 1.00

04:17:46.000 Just play it.

04:17:46.000 Jamie, will you bong a couple?

04:17:48.000 Can you do some extracurricular offshore work? 0.99

04:17:52.000 Is there a cover of America Fuck Yeah We Can Play? 0.99

04:17:55.000 Jimmy Wayne from America! 0.99

04:18:01.000 America! 1.00

04:18:18.000 I can't believe people think we're dumb. 1.00

04:18:20.000 Is it suck my ass? 1.00

04:18:22.000 Well, listen, let's be real. 1.00

04:18:24.000 They're right.

04:18:25.000 If you're right now doing a lot of string theory work on a yellow legal pad, you're right.

04:18:30.000 I was before this podcast. 0.99

04:18:31.000 We're dumb. 1.00

04:18:32.000 We're dumb. 1.00

04:18:34.000 If you get on stage tonight, you're dumb. 1.00

04:18:38.000 Huh? 1.00

04:18:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

04:18:39.000 If you try to get on stage after fucking Ari Shafir, you're dumb. 1.00

04:18:44.000 You don't know what you're doing. 1.00

04:18:45.000 The same thing.

04:18:47.000 Wait, we are getting on stage tonight. 0.99

04:18:49.000 Yeah, but you, but if you're a string theorist, if you're a string theorist and thinks everybody is fucking stupid because they don't understand your nonsense, you write on a chalkboard with squiggly lines and N's and A's. 0.99

04:19:02.000 Who was that academic guy who said stand-up's easy because you have a captive audience and they're all drinking? 0.99

04:19:07.000 A Democrat said that?

04:19:08.000 Like an academic. 0.99

04:19:10.000 Goddammit, I'm going to find you. 0.99

04:19:11.000 Guarantee it was a Democrat.

04:19:12.000 No, it was some academic.

04:19:14.000 It was stand-up is easy.

04:19:15.000 It was one of those high-level academic names you know.

04:19:17.000 Stand-up is easy, it's a captive audience, and you're all drinking.

04:19:20.000 So it's obviously easy.

04:19:21.000 What?

04:19:21.000 I want to bring you to the stand for three shows in a row.

04:19:23.000 How about bringing you to the mothership?

04:19:25.000 Go on after Shane.

04:19:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

04:19:27.000 Good luck, fuckface. 1.00

04:19:29.000 Good luck, fuckface. 1.00

04:19:31.000 Gang, gang. 1.00

04:19:32.000 Who was that?

04:19:34.000 Who said that? 1.00

04:19:35.000 But everyone's stupid if you don't know. 1.00

04:19:37.000 It's like Malcolm Gladwell, one of those kind of guys. 1.00

04:19:39.000 They're all silly. 0.99

04:19:41.000 Malcolm Gladwell would never say that, dude. 0.99

04:19:43.000 Jamie, you've got to find this for me.

04:19:45.000 Malcolm is a sweet guy.

04:19:46.000 I've had him on the podcast. 0.99

04:19:47.000 I can kill him in a small room in a minimal amount of time. 1.00

04:19:52.000 Is he the British gay guy? 1.00

04:19:54.000 Malcolm would eat hot dog shit if he went after Shane. 1.00

04:20:01.000 Brian Simpson's got a new Netflix special. 1.00

04:20:04.000 Simpsons out now.

04:20:05.000 Live at the Mothership.

04:20:07.000 Available right now. 1.00

04:20:08.000 Go on after Brian Simpson, Malcolm Gladwell, or stop talking shit. 1.00

04:20:13.000 Wait, that's him? 0.99

04:20:14.000 That's why stand-up is easy.

04:20:16.000 Dude, I'm uncomfortable that I remembered this.

04:20:19.000 I'm sure.

04:20:21.000 I'm sure he said this in jest, in good faith.

04:20:25.000 No.

04:20:26.000 No.

04:20:26.000 I think he said...

04:20:27.000 Well, I don't know.

04:20:28.000 You're right.

04:20:29.000 You're right.

04:20:29.000 Maybe I'm getting caught up in the headlines.

04:20:31.000 I've had Malcolm on the podcast.

04:20:32.000 He's a good guy.

04:20:33.000 Doesn't mean he doesn't stand up.

04:20:35.000 ...is dealing with people in a tightly controlled setting...

04:20:39.000 ...with a rich set of expectations governing their behavior...

04:20:49.000 This one's making fun of us.

04:20:53.000 I cannot imagine a better set of circumstances, an easier set of circumstances for navigating a sort of situation than those.

04:21:16.000 In 1989, Greg Fitzsimmons got attacked on stage at Stitch's Comedy Club in Boston.

04:21:23.000 In 89. This guy jumps on stage Fitzsimmons and him get into a fucking Donnybrook. 0.97

04:21:29.000 They're fucking brawling in the middle of this comedy club in 1989 in Boston. 0.98

04:21:34.000 The security guards jump on stage. 0.99

04:21:36.000 They tackle this guy. 0.99

04:21:37.000 Fitzsimmons and this guy are fucking duking it out. 0.96

04:21:40.000 Fitzsimmons, the guy goes into the audience. 0.98

04:21:42.000 They arrest him.

04:21:43.000 They take him out of there.

04:21:44.000 Fitzsimmons goes...

04:21:45.000 Anybody else want some of this?

04:21:50.000 Imagine being an audience member and going, here's some short, pale guy.

04:22:01.000 I can take him.

04:22:02.000 And you're like, you chose Greg Fitzsimmons? 1.00

04:22:04.000 You idiot. 1.00

04:22:05.000 All he does is fight. 1.00

04:22:08.000 He fights people that get him in trouble socially.

04:22:11.000 He's an Irish guy.

04:22:12.000 He's an Irish.

04:22:13.000 I've been friends with Greg.

04:22:14.000 Greg and I started out one week apart from each other.

04:22:16.000 Wow.

04:22:17.000 Great egg. 1.00

04:22:18.000 He's a fucking awesome human being. 1.00

04:22:21.000 He's awesome. 0.99

04:22:21.000 But I I mean, this is like 89. This is like before Greg was Greg. 0.99

04:22:26.000 Before he was the Emmy Award winner, all that bullshit. 0.99

04:22:29.000 Well, that makes you softer. 0.99

04:22:31.000 Yeah, but he's like, he's still the same dude.

04:22:33.000 He still goes hard.

04:22:34.000 Oh, yeah.

04:22:35.000 He still goes hard.

04:22:36.000 He still goes hard.

04:22:37.000 Angry Irishman. 0.75

04:22:38.000 I try to get him to move here. 1.00

04:22:39.000 I'm like, it's goddamn... 0.98

04:22:40.000 Nah, he's got a life. 0.99

04:22:41.000 He's got a life.

04:22:42.000 What does that mean?

04:22:43.000 I got a life, too!

04:22:44.000 He has a golf course right next to him. 1.00

04:22:46.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

04:22:47.000 There's golf courses out here that aren't filled with... 1.00

04:22:50.000 Liberals!

04:22:52.000 Give one to Mark.

04:22:54.000 Mark's over there.

04:22:55.000 You still have the same one.

04:22:58.000 Mark pours whiskey.

04:23:01.000 He takes that much whiskey and pours water into it.

04:23:04.000 Mark's basically a beer.

04:23:06.000 But you guys haven't had any whiskey.

04:23:07.000 Hold on, can I say this?

04:23:09.000 I have a lot.

04:23:10.000 I've got the bottle right here.

04:23:11.000 I saw Joe drink three different glasses.

04:23:13.000 Joe saw me drink five.

04:23:14.000 There's no way I'm driving anywhere tonight.

04:23:18.000 I'll drive. 1.00

04:23:18.000 I have to go on at the end of all of you fucking imbeciles. 1.00

04:23:21.000 Can I say this? 1.00

04:23:22.000 Joe's got over the improv tonight.

04:23:23.000 We've done this.

04:23:24.000 Now this is the 11th time.

04:23:25.000 And I took mushrooms.

04:23:26.000 I want to open up an improv here just for a flex.

04:23:29.000 Joe, give me one second.

04:23:32.000 Is it the same where I will let Adam Carolla keep the number one podcast in the world on Guinness Book of World Records?

04:23:37.000 Joe, they've had a comedy festival in town and Joe was doing his own festival three days in a row at his club.

04:23:45.000 It's a flex!

04:23:47.000 Hold on.

04:23:49.000 It's a flex!

04:23:50.000 Let me get one timeout.

04:23:51.000 Okay, Shane, timeout.

04:23:52.000 Timeout.

04:23:52.000 SNL timeout.

04:23:53.000 Jihad! 1.00

04:23:54.000 Shut up. 1.00

04:23:55.000 So this is the 11th? 1.00

04:23:57.000 The eleventh one.

04:23:58.000 Fourteenth.

04:23:59.000 So far, we've all died.

04:24:01.000 Yeah.

04:24:01.000 The one person who has always never died.

04:24:04.000 What do you mean, died?

04:24:06.000 Mark Norman.

04:24:07.000 No, listen, we gotta keep him right where he is.

04:24:09.000 I died.

04:24:09.000 Joe died.

04:24:10.000 He knows where he's doing.

04:24:11.000 What do you mean, keep him where he is?

04:24:12.000 We've all died.

04:24:12.000 We all need our certain place.

04:24:15.000 Barf.

04:24:15.000 Well, you've died.

04:24:16.000 But listen, we need our certain place in the world.

04:24:18.000 Every single one of these, we all die. 0.74

04:24:19.000 Leave him alone. 0.99

04:24:20.000 You're the one who doesn't die.

04:24:22.000 I don't have those quips inside of me.

04:24:24.000 Let him be functional. 0.60

04:24:25.000 He puked on the table.

04:24:27.000 Leave him alone! 1.00

04:24:28.000 I disagree.

04:24:29.000 I think it's too late for this one, but Mark, you gotta catch up, bro.

04:24:33.000 You gotta catch up.

04:24:34.000 Every time you go, you gotta catch up.

04:24:36.000 He goes, I was drinking whiskey. 1.00

04:24:37.000 You had two sips, coward. 1.00

04:24:40.000 You're the guy who chugs and we use it out. 1.00

04:24:43.000 We're all dying.

04:24:46.000 And I took shrooms.

04:24:47.000 Listen to me.

04:24:48.000 Listen to me.

04:24:50.000 We are approaching five hours into a podcast that can change the election.

04:24:56.000 Trump!

04:24:57.000 Trump!

04:24:57.000 Shout out to Truman!

04:24:59.000 Truman, everybody!

04:25:01.000 I think, McGovern, I think we need to...

04:25:05.000 We need to respect our position in this cultural world.

04:25:09.000 I don't respect it.

04:25:11.000 I hate it.

04:25:12.000 But you do.

04:25:12.000 You do, and that's why I respect you.

04:25:14.000 Mark, call it strong for next time.

04:25:15.000 Call it.

04:25:16.000 What do you want from me?

04:25:17.000 I never turn down a bong head. 1.00

04:25:20.000 Give me bong. 0.99

04:25:20.000 This is what I want from you. 0.99

04:25:21.000 Bring on the bong! 1.00

04:25:22.000 This is what I want from you, Mark.

04:25:24.000 That's nothing!

04:25:24.000 Those are water!

04:25:27.000 He's been counting mine. 1.00

04:25:29.000 No, fuck off. 1.00

04:25:30.000 They're all full of refuse also. 1.00

04:25:32.000 Wait a minute.

04:25:32.000 Shane only has two.

04:25:33.000 Something is amiss.

04:25:35.000 Dylan Mulvaney drank more than that. 1.00

04:25:37.000 You've been stealing his empties, you fucking idiot. 1.00

04:25:40.000 I don't want it. 1.00

04:25:41.000 Oh, you son of a bitch! 1.00

04:25:43.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

04:25:45.000 Obviously Shane drinks more than me. 1.00

04:25:46.000 I'm drinking responsibly.

04:25:48.000 Drink Bodega Cup.

04:25:55.000 America! 1.00

04:25:55.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

04:25:57.000 Coming again! 1.00

04:25:58.000 It's a motherfucking day! 0.99

04:26:00.000 Yeah, America! 1.00

04:26:01.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

04:26:03.000 They suck all my balls! 1.00

04:26:06.000 Obesity! 1.00

04:26:08.000 Ah!

04:26:09.000 Jamie's back!

04:26:10.000 We're back!

04:26:11.000 Jamie, don't be afraid.

04:26:13.000 Jamie, have a YouTube version.

04:26:15.000 I know it's more work, but it's 20 extra minutes.

04:26:17.000 AI will do it for you.

04:26:20.000 Alright guys, now it's time to talk turkey.

04:26:25.000 Let's talk about the economy.

04:26:27.000 Let's talk about Supreme Court, and civil liberties, and Wow, that smash and grab is out of control.

04:26:40.000 And TikTok bands!

04:26:42.000 Yo, did you watch the State of the Union?

04:26:44.000 Any of you guys watch that?

04:26:45.000 I watched it.

04:26:46.000 It was nutty. 1.00

04:26:49.000 I watched it with my dick in my hand. 1.00

04:26:52.000 I was doing bodyweight squats. 1.00

04:26:55.000 It's kind of sad to watch.

04:26:56.000 Well, they hit Biden with some good chemicals.

04:26:59.000 The whole gang was on the same page.

04:27:00.000 Can you imagine?

04:27:01.000 You get on that Biden cocktail.

04:27:04.000 Oh, I'd love to get that cocktail.

04:27:08.000 It's got to be better than the Kennedy cocktail.

04:27:11.000 Oh, yeah.

04:27:12.000 The Biden cocktail's got to be like Days From Death cocktail.

04:27:16.000 Well, you know what's got to be tough?

04:27:17.000 It's like, can't you have one less stroke per day?

04:27:20.000 Bandit, buddy?

04:27:22.000 Bandit, you can't be this cute.

04:27:23.000 You cannot be this cute, Bandit.

04:27:26.000 Come on, Bandit.

04:27:27.000 It's unfair to be this cute.

04:27:28.000 You know what's unfair is the Viagra.

04:27:32.000 Old people just had to suck it up and not get a boner. 1.00

04:27:35.000 And now, kids today are doing Viagra at, like, 21. Yeah, back in the day, you had a rope around the base of your balls. 1.00

04:27:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

04:27:48.000 You risk blacking out.

04:27:50.000 Pull it up like a bull.

04:27:53.000 You're, like, pulling on it.

04:27:57.000 Remember those nights you couldn't get it up?

04:28:02.000 Bro, the day they figured out Viagra was like the day they figured out the internet.

04:28:07.000 Like, everything has changed!

04:28:08.000 Everything's changed.

04:28:09.000 The game has moved on!

04:28:11.000 The game has moved on. 1.00

04:28:12.000 80-year-olds are fucking... 1.00

04:28:15.000 That's fucking Rupert Murdoch! 1.00

04:28:16.000 Rolling Stones is having kids. 1.00

04:28:17.000 Rupert Murdoch!

04:28:18.000 I'm telling you.

04:28:18.000 92!

04:28:19.000 That changed everything.

04:28:21.000 Having a butter is nice. 1.00

04:28:23.000 Why don't you pee through that goddamn whiskey bottle, you fucking savage? 1.00

04:28:26.000 Okay, Joe. 1.00

04:28:27.000 I accept your fucking critique. 1.00

04:28:29.000 Squeeze that dick off like a fucking... 1.00

04:28:30.000 You're being fair? 1.00

04:28:32.000 Squeeze that dick off like a garden hose in the 70s. 1.00

04:28:35.000 You're going to fill that bottle up, aren't you? 1.00

04:28:36.000 I would have if I started it from scratch.

04:28:38.000 Joe, you're being fair and I apologize.

04:28:40.000 I can't believe you're doing what you're doing.

04:28:41.000 I should have just pissed in the bottle.

04:28:42.000 I wish you did it in the hallway, but it's okay.

04:28:44.000 Well, that was the original, like, one more?

04:28:48.000 Can I ask a question? 1.00

04:28:49.000 Do we ever show you fucking barfing like a fucking baby? 1.00

04:28:52.000 I have the video. 1.00

04:28:53.000 How's babies barf? 0.91

04:28:55.000 Like you?

04:28:57.000 How do adults barf? 0.94

04:28:58.000 How's babies barf? 1.00

04:29:05.000 How much do you think it would cost to get someone to drink a fucking whiskey bottle filled with your piss? 1.00

04:29:16.000 A bottle. 1.00

04:29:16.000 Not a whiskey shot. 1.00

04:29:18.000 A bottle.

04:29:19.000 Sell it.

04:29:19.000 If you had that dude from Opie and Anthony.

04:29:22.000 The gay? 0.92

04:29:23.000 No, the dude. 0.99

04:29:24.000 The gay? 0.88

04:29:25.000 No, no, no, no, no. 0.89

04:29:27.000 Pat Duffy.

04:29:28.000 The baby bird.

04:29:30.000 No, Pat Duffy.

04:29:34.000 Pat from Munaki is the guy who threw up. 0.94

04:29:38.000 That's all piss. 0.98

04:29:40.000 Imagine, how much money would you ever dick into your Patreon account? 0.99

04:29:46.000 Well, you've got to hand it to Ari, because you're old, and you're hanging in there. 1.00

04:29:50.000 Dude.

04:29:50.000 With what?

04:29:51.000 You could have retired by now.

04:29:53.000 I'm 10 years older than him.

04:29:55.000 I know, but he's a... 0.99

04:29:56.000 Yeah, but shit's going well. 1.00

04:29:58.000 His career's been a goddamn train wreck. 1.00

04:30:00.000 He's a piece of garbage. 1.00

04:30:01.000 I have $87 for the bank, Joe. 1.00

04:30:03.000 I have a happy team.

04:30:04.000 Younger than Ari?

04:30:06.000 And you work out currently, regularly.

04:30:08.000 He's a mess.

04:30:10.000 His life is hell. 1.00

04:30:11.000 I eat chopped cheese all day for a fucking week. 1.00

04:30:13.000 But Ari's capable of firing up. 1.00

04:30:16.000 Me and him went out to the bar last night.

04:30:18.000 When we had that sober October fitness challenge, he was the only guy I worried about.

04:30:22.000 Really?

04:30:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

04:30:23.000 Really? 1.00

04:30:25.000 Because he's a psycho. 0.95

04:30:25.000 Also, I will do the thing where I'm like, guys, guys, let's not try, let's not try, let's not try. 0.95

04:30:30.000 Secretly not try until they discover it.

04:30:32.000 You know what I almost did?

04:30:33.000 You know what I almost did? 0.99

04:30:34.000 But I had Aquaries out, getting Michelle Wolf to wear my strap for a fucking... 1.00

04:30:38.000 I know. 0.98

04:30:40.000 But when you said that, when you said that...

04:30:44.000 And Michelle, to regret it, was like, 100%, I'll be quiet forever for that.

04:30:48.000 But when you said that, I was like, Michelle's gonna die. 0.99

04:30:52.000 I'm going to take Michelle to hell. 1.00

04:30:54.000 Wow, that's how deep you go. 1.00

04:30:56.000 I'm going to take everybody to hell. 1.00

04:30:57.000 Michelle rules. 1.00

04:30:58.000 There's no doubt.

04:31:00.000 Michelle runs. 1.00

04:31:00.000 I was going to take you all to hell. 1.00

04:31:02.000 It's just that one fucking hunting trip where you worked out for fucking 18 hours a day for four straight days. 1.00

04:31:09.000 No, it was the one day that I watched John Wick 50 times in a row. 0.99

04:31:12.000 And I literally did seven hours of cardio on an elliptical and set off my fire alarm.

04:31:17.000 I set off my fire alarm with my body steam.

04:31:21.000 Can I say what a motivator spite is that no one's taking advantage of?

04:31:26.000 Spite as a motivator to hurt your friends, to work out, to read, do whatever, is so there.

04:31:32.000 It wasn't even that.

04:31:33.000 Spike? 1.00

04:31:34.000 Yeah, it was.

04:31:35.000 You wanted to be Burt.

04:31:36.000 No, you think that was what it was.

04:31:38.000 Well, Burt's athletic.

04:31:38.000 But it was like, I was feeding that wolf.

04:31:41.000 He is, he is.

04:31:43.000 He is athletic. 0.99

04:31:44.000 He's athletic if you look at Division 3 fucking... 0.99

04:31:48.000 Yeah, he's athletic. 0.99

04:31:49.000 Gauntlet thrown.

04:31:50.000 I was like letting the wolf out of the cage.

04:31:54.000 Now what does the wife think? 1.00

04:31:56.000 She didn't like it.

04:31:57.000 She was going to say.

04:31:58.000 She didn't want me to do it next year.

04:32:02.000 I've met Rogan's boyfriend.

04:32:03.000 He's not happy when Rogan gets in the cage.

04:32:06.000 It's not when I get in the cage.

04:32:07.000 It's like, unlock it.

04:32:08.000 Wow.

04:32:09.000 That was the problem.

04:32:10.000 You're like the Hulk.

04:32:11.000 I'm always this.

04:32:12.000 The problem is I was like, oh, I forgot this was in there.

04:32:15.000 Right.

04:32:15.000 And then we were doing that fitness thing.

04:32:18.000 I was like, I'm going to kill everybody.

04:32:19.000 Because everyone would think it'd be GSP who unlocks it. 0.97

04:32:22.000 Let's kickbox together.

04:32:22.000 It's not.

04:32:23.000 It's the fucking fattest piece of shit alcoholic who fucking gets you the fucking wildest. 1.00

04:32:28.000 Well, he was just saying he was going to win. 1.00

04:32:29.000 I'm like, I'm going to kill you. 0.99

04:32:31.000 Yeah, that's the whole thing. 1.00

04:32:32.000 You're going to die. 0.98

04:32:33.000 You're going to die. 1.00

04:32:34.000 I'm going to drag you to where I'm about to die and you're not going to live. 1.00

04:32:39.000 Right. 0.99

04:32:40.000 I'm gonna make it.

04:32:41.000 I'm gonna get, like, let's see what you can do.

04:32:43.000 If you can get close, I'm gonna go further.

04:32:46.000 I'm like, I'm leaving a little bit. 0.99

04:32:47.000 Yeah, you're a freak. 0.98

04:32:48.000 I was drinking electrolyzed all day. 1.00

04:32:50.000 I was eating nothing but ribeyes.

04:32:52.000 It was bizarre.

04:32:53.000 We need to protect our parks challenge or we just drink.

04:32:56.000 We're just like, don't care.

04:32:57.000 This is much easier.

04:32:59.000 That's way healthier.

04:33:00.000 Yeah, way healthier.

04:33:01.000 It's way healthier.

04:33:01.000 I don't like that part of me.

04:33:03.000 Really?

04:33:04.000 Yeah, I don't like it.

04:33:05.000 I don't like it.

04:33:06.000 Competitive.

04:33:07.000 I cannot lose.

04:33:08.000 It's not a competitive thing.

04:33:09.000 It's murderous.

04:33:11.000 It's way different than competitive.

04:33:13.000 Interesting.

04:33:13.000 It shows IDF. It goes way further.

04:33:16.000 Yeah, it's basically like bombing Gaza forever. 0.67

04:33:18.000 Yeah, it's like, you will not win this.

04:33:20.000 There'll be no more.

04:33:22.000 I was saying to a friend of mine today, I was like, what Israel's doing in Gaza is like what a fifth grader would do if he said, if you were the president of the world, how would you stop all wars? 1.00

04:33:32.000 Somebody fuck me, I'll fuck you up 50,000 times more! 1.00

04:33:39.000 I'm gonna bomb hospitals. 1.00

04:33:41.000 Yeah, I'm gonna bomb nurseries, mosques. 1.00

04:33:45.000 Yeah.

04:33:45.000 Why are they voting?

04:33:47.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

04:33:48.000 I don't vote. 1.00

04:33:50.000 You're not going to get caught into this.

04:33:51.000 I'm not trying to say you are.

04:33:53.000 I don't think you are.

04:33:53.000 I don't care.

04:33:54.000 Listen, that's why there's human beings.

04:33:57.000 My side's America.

04:33:59.000 I'm not over there.

04:34:00.000 That's crazy.

04:34:01.000 The reason why there's human beings still in 2024 is because somewhere along the line, someone decided that the only way to do this is to go full Bhagavad Gita.

04:34:12.000 Full I am become death destroyer of worlds.

04:34:15.000 I will drop nuclear bombs. 1.00

04:34:17.000 That's what fucking Oppenheimer said. 1.00

04:34:19.000 I will drop nuclear bombs out of airplanes. 1.00

04:34:22.000 I will show you what I'm capable of. 0.98

04:34:26.000 America. 0.97

04:34:37.000 I think when Palestine raped those Thai nationals who are at a music festival. 0.99

04:34:41.000 That ruled Palestine. 0.97

04:34:43.000 Thai nationals?

04:34:44.000 Yeah, that ruled.

04:34:45.000 They're just out at a festival, having a good time.

04:34:48.000 Good job, Palestine. 1.00

04:34:50.000 Way to rape Thai nationals. 1.00

04:34:54.000 What about the Jews? 1.00

04:34:55.000 What about? 1.00

04:34:56.000 For just one second, you go, hey, maybe we shouldn't have raped those Thai nationals. 1.00

04:35:02.000 Maybe that was an oopsie. 0.99

04:35:03.000 Did that happen?

04:35:05.000 Yeah.

04:35:06.000 There's other people at the festival.

04:35:08.000 Did you see the Thai ladyboys? 0.98

04:35:11.000 Four Thai nationals got raped and murdered. 0.99

04:35:14.000 At a 1,200? 0.98

04:35:15.000 No, no, I'm just saying...

04:35:17.000 Wouldn't that an oopsie, Palestine? 1.00

04:35:20.000 Hey, everybody on that side, couldn't you be like, that was wrong? 0.93

04:35:22.000 Couldn't you just, for one moment, go, yeah, we shouldn't have raped and murdered those Thai nationals. 0.61

04:35:27.000 Brother, I think they admit that that was a... 0.56

04:35:29.000 I think Candace Owens is making a video about you right now. 1.00

04:35:32.000 Show me anywhere. 1.00

04:35:32.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

04:35:33.000 Show me anywhere they've said that. 1.00

04:35:35.000 Both sides are fucking retarded. 1.00

04:35:37.000 Stop killing. 1.00

04:35:38.000 End of story. 0.98

04:35:38.000 Jamie, pull up the Thai versus the trans women are going at it. 0.98

04:35:42.000 That's it.

04:35:42.000 Obvious, right?

04:35:43.000 Hold on.

04:35:44.000 What he just said.

04:35:44.000 Say it again.

04:35:45.000 Stop killing.

04:35:46.000 End of story.

04:35:47.000 That's it.

04:35:48.000 Okay?

04:35:49.000 What about the hostages?

04:35:50.000 What about them?

04:35:51.000 What about them?

04:35:52.000 What about them?

04:35:52.000 Hey, guys, I'm having a great day in Austin.

04:35:55.000 I'm getting paid way too much to do a comedy clip tonight where I'm too drunk to perform.

04:35:59.000 Everything's pretty good in my world.

04:36:00.000 Allegedly.

04:36:01.000 Allegedly.

04:36:02.000 You're gonna be fine.

04:36:03.000 Yeah.

04:36:04.000 Yeah.

04:36:04.000 You're doing comedy.

04:36:06.000 America.

04:36:07.000 America's obviously still number one.

04:36:09.000 Did you see the Thai ladyboys are fighting with the trans people?

04:36:12.000 Why? 0.98

04:36:12.000 Because they're like, hey, you're stealing our thunder. 0.98

04:36:15.000 I did a bit in my special about ladyboys.

04:36:17.000 They're like, that's transphobic.

04:36:18.000 I'm like, they're different than you.

04:36:20.000 Oh, they're fighting.

04:36:21.000 Yeah.

04:36:22.000 They're going at it.

04:36:22.000 It's a news story.

04:36:24.000 Really?

04:36:24.000 Pull it up.

04:36:25.000 Ladyboys, different category.

04:36:27.000 Give it a goog. 1.00

04:36:28.000 Thank you.

04:36:28.000 Give it a goog.

04:36:30.000 It's a real problem.

04:36:32.000 J-Mo, also, cheer up, dude. 0.99

04:36:34.000 You've been a real cocksucker this entire year. 0.99

04:36:36.000 Cheer up for Brian Simpson. 0.99

04:36:37.000 His new Netflix special available right now, live at the mothership.

04:36:41.000 On Netflix.

04:36:43.000 Look great.

04:36:44.000 Look great.

04:36:44.000 Yeah, what's it called again?

04:36:46.000 Comedy is great.

04:36:46.000 Live from the Mothership!

04:36:48.000 That's the one.

04:36:49.000 That's the one.

04:36:49.000 Or at the Mothership.

04:36:50.000 Or at the Mothership.

04:36:51.000 Brian Simpson.

04:36:52.000 Just put in B-R-I-A. There it is.

04:36:54.000 Huge transsexual prostitute brawl. 1.00

04:36:57.000 This is the Brian Simpson trailer? 1.00

04:36:59.000 Sees 100 strong ladyboy mob fighting in Bangkok turf war.

04:37:05.000 Dude, they'll go nuts on ya.

04:37:06.000 I knew this was gonna happen.

04:37:08.000 Keep going.

04:37:10.000 With escorts?

04:37:12.000 Well, the ladyboys are fighting with the trans people because that was their thing. 1.00

04:37:15.000 Hold on a second.

04:37:16.000 I'm trying to take a good look at these new shabbies. 1.00

04:37:18.000 Trans prostitutes from the Philippines and Thai ladyboys brawled in Bangkok. 1.00

04:37:24.000 What are the Philippines doing on the fucking opposite side? 1.00

04:37:26.000 First of all, they shouldn't be there. 0.99

04:37:28.000 Where is the live stream?

04:37:29.000 Hell yeah.

04:37:29.000 Now you understand Gaza.

04:37:34.000 Close and throw punches.

04:37:39.000 Clambering over each other. 1.00

04:37:40.000 What the fuck are they doing there? 1.00

04:37:41.000 To tear off rivals' clothes and throw punches. 0.99

04:37:45.000 Well, I mean, this was...

04:37:46.000 Because they got kicked out of Jordan.

04:37:47.000 We all knew this was coming.

04:37:47.000 They had no place to go.

04:37:48.000 Here's the video footage. 0.92

04:37:50.000 Jordan to Egypt, like, ooh, they're gross. 1.00

04:37:52.000 Kick them out. 0.99

04:37:52.000 Look at everyone with their phone out. 0.99

04:37:53.000 Jews, you deal with them. 1.00

04:37:54.000 Look at everyone with their phone out.

04:37:56.000 Yeah.

04:37:56.000 Oh, that was nothing.

04:37:57.000 That was propaganda.

04:38:02.000 It's an Android phone!

04:38:03.000 Whoa! 0.71

04:38:04.000 Look at that guy.

04:38:05.000 He's just laughing.

04:38:06.000 He's like, look at this ladyboy. 1.00

04:38:07.000 He's not laughing, he's just Asian. 1.00

04:38:09.000 You can only see his eyes.

04:38:10.000 He loves it.

04:38:12.000 Bro, this is wild.

04:38:14.000 Oh, look at that!

04:38:16.000 Meanwhile, there's three people still wearing masks.

04:38:19.000 I'm sorry buddy.

04:38:20.000 Look at the mask wearers! 0.99

04:38:22.000 Well, we all knew that the trans community was gonna butt up against the ladyboy community. 0.98

04:38:27.000 Yep.

04:38:28.000 It's a different thing.

04:38:29.000 It's a different thing.

04:38:30.000 Ladyboys and trans are not the same thing. 1.00

04:38:33.000 They're similar.

04:38:34.000 Unfortunately, when I was in Thailand, I was with my whole family.

04:38:37.000 I would have paid a visit to those boys and I would have given them the business. 0.99

04:38:42.000 I got to look, watch a little kickboxing, keep moving, fish eat, eating your fucking calluses off your feet. 0.99

04:38:48.000 Jay, Joe, you gotta come on an episode of You Be Chippin' and I'll tell you about some stuff in Thailand that you should have done if you had left your family. 0.99

04:38:55.000 How about we just do it Ari Shafir Seize the World? 0.99

04:38:57.000 100%.

04:38:58.000 Let's do it. 1.00

04:38:58.000 Stop this fucking bullshit now. 1.00

04:39:02.000 Just trust me. 1.00

04:39:03.000 I got good instincts.

04:39:06.000 Joe has, if you were going to trust anyone when it comes to maybe a podcast being successful, Joe Rogan's a decent guy.

04:39:13.000 Joe, what if they've run podcasts, you've done this.

04:39:16.000 I've got good instincts.

04:39:17.000 By the way, the worst advice I've ever had in the history.

04:39:22.000 Other than my wife.

04:39:25.000 One time, my kids, they were going to Disneyland.

04:39:29.000 My wife was like, you don't have to do a podcast. 0.97

04:39:31.000 I'm like, but I do.

04:39:32.000 I have to.

04:39:33.000 She's like, thank God you didn't listen to me.

04:39:35.000 And I was like, I have to.

04:39:36.000 I told people I was going to do it.

04:39:38.000 But Ari was like, you gotta edit that. 1.00

04:39:40.000 Gotta be under an hour.

04:39:41.000 Gotta be under an hour.

04:39:42.000 Gotta be under an hour.

04:39:43.000 It makes no sense.

04:39:45.000 Who would listen more than an hour?

04:39:46.000 Who would listen more than an hour? 1.00

04:39:49.000 It's stupid. 1.00

04:39:50.000 I know what's wrong. 1.00

04:39:51.000 But this is what I said.

04:39:52.000 I said, so they don't have to listen. 1.00

04:39:54.000 The most important thing is just do whatever the fuck you want to do. 1.00

04:39:57.000 Joe? 1.00

04:39:57.000 I had not considered that. 1.00

04:39:58.000 And now, the people listening to this show have made it this far.

04:40:04.000 Yeah.

04:40:04.000 Now they've been to the new stratosphere of us being...

04:40:07.000 I'm trying to tell you, Ari Shafir sees the world.

04:40:12.000 Ari Shafir, I'm into it.

04:40:13.000 What is this drummer?

04:40:16.000 It's a cover.

04:40:19.000 Jamie just consulted with a lawyer.

04:40:21.000 That's what he came up with.

04:40:22.000 Jamie, you just ruined our show.

04:40:24.000 No, I like this guy.

04:40:25.000 It's a cover, but it doesn't matter.

04:40:27.000 It's so good.

04:40:28.000 This guy's mustache rules. 1.00

04:40:30.000 Hey Shane, how come McCaffrey wouldn't do your fucking thing? 0.99

04:40:34.000 How come he bitched out about it? 0.99

04:40:35.000 I'll tell you why.

04:40:36.000 How come he bitched out about it?

04:40:37.000 Because he didn't want to win the Super Bowl anyway?

04:40:41.000 No, no, no.

04:40:41.000 Don't ever talk about McCaffrey that way.

04:40:43.000 This fucking McCaffrey guy bitched out. 1.00

04:40:45.000 Wouldn't do Shane's fucking thing. 1.00

04:40:47.000 Everyone else did it, but one guy who didn't win the Super Bowl didn't do it. 0.99

04:40:50.000 McCaffrey got too fired up.

04:40:52.000 Too fired up.

04:40:53.000 When he was scoring a touchdown, he was genuinely...

04:40:56.000 He wasn't thinking about anything.

04:40:57.000 That's fair.

04:40:58.000 I accept that.

04:40:58.000 He got too fired up.

04:41:00.000 I accept that.

04:41:01.000 I accept that.

04:41:02.000 All the other bros, when they scored...

04:41:04.000 Not as fired up.

04:41:05.000 They're more normalized with touchdowns.

04:41:07.000 They're fired up.

04:41:08.000 But they still remembered.

04:41:09.000 McCaffrey's just a white running back, dude.

04:41:11.000 That's a different type of man.

04:41:13.000 If you're a white running back and you score any touchdown ever in the NFL, you're like... 0.92

04:41:16.000 That was wild.

04:41:17.000 Well, but he's good.

04:41:18.000 This guy's good.

04:41:19.000 McCaffrey?

04:41:20.000 McCaffrey's on another level.

04:41:21.000 Yeah, he's the MVP. I don't know what's going on.

04:41:24.000 Joe, imagine a football player version of someone hitting like eight rails and then pocketing.

04:41:29.000 I mean, he's in good.

04:41:31.000 Christian McCaffrey is a white NFL running back.

04:41:34.000 Beast. 0.98

04:41:34.000 He shouldn't be there. 0.98

04:41:36.000 He's a white NFL running back. 0.99

04:41:37.000 It's a position that white guys are incapable of playing. 0.93

04:41:40.000 And a fun guy. 0.97

04:41:41.000 What's the problem?

04:41:42.000 He's the best ever.

04:41:43.000 Generally, guys like Christian McCaffrey are GMs.

04:41:47.000 And he's out of running back.

04:41:49.000 What does that mean?

04:41:50.000 The problem is, the initial thing, the problem is, normally if I'm friends with a guy in the NFL, like a superstar, sexual icon like Gabriel Davis, when he scores a touchdown, he'll do...

04:42:05.000 Watch this, watch this.

04:42:06.000 This shade on MSSP... Buffalo Bills.

04:42:10.000 Is that the one?

04:42:10.000 Gabe versus Miami.

04:42:12.000 No, you gotta give him the shade thing.

04:42:14.000 Shane's been promoting this special needs kid.

04:42:17.000 I was at that one.

04:42:18.000 That was the one he gave me his jersey. 0.94

04:42:20.000 I looked like a retarded guy in the crowd. 0.98

04:42:23.000 So Shane's promoting this kid. 0.92

04:42:25.000 This kid right there.

04:42:26.000 Back up.

04:42:26.000 This kid.

04:42:28.000 Who's this kid?

04:42:29.000 I just keep sending Gabe that celebration.

04:42:32.000 This kid.

04:42:33.000 I'm like, Gabe, just hit that one. 0.99

04:42:34.000 He's a weird, fat Irish kid. 1.00

04:42:36.000 Watch, Gabriel. 0.98

04:42:39.000 That's a hot kid.

04:42:40.000 And then the NFL, the number one to two sports in the world.

04:42:44.000 Gabriel hit it.

04:42:45.000 In the world?

04:42:46.000 What's number one?

04:42:47.000 UFC and then this.

04:42:49.000 No, no, no.

04:42:50.000 Oh, football, football.

04:42:52.000 Number two or three.

04:42:54.000 Formula One is pretty high.

04:42:57.000 Five, top five.

04:42:58.000 Viewership.

04:42:59.000 This is why I say top 20. Top 10, no matter what, sports in the world.

04:43:02.000 But cricket's like a billion.

04:43:04.000 Can't even talk.

04:43:04.000 Soccer's up there.

04:43:07.000 Soccer, cricket.

04:43:08.000 Soccer number one.

04:43:09.000 F1, football number one.

04:43:11.000 No, no, no.

04:43:12.000 It's top ten.

04:43:13.000 It's top ten no matter what.

04:43:14.000 It's cricket because of Indian people. 1.00

04:43:18.000 Very popular.

04:43:19.000 Is that bigger than everything?

04:43:21.000 They drop loads.

04:43:22.000 Soccer and cricket.

04:43:23.000 Soccer's number one.

04:43:24.000 What's number one?

04:43:25.000 Soccer or cricket?

04:43:26.000 Soccer.

04:43:26.000 Number one by far.

04:43:28.000 I don't know, because China and India don't play soccer.

04:43:30.000 Soccer does play China, they just don't make the World Cup. 0.99

04:43:32.000 They do, and they pour out and they watch World Cup all day and all night at the fucking bars. 0.98

04:43:38.000 China number one. 1.00

04:43:38.000 You would go to China, you nasty communist. 1.00

04:43:40.000 I love it. 1.00

04:43:41.000 Still available.

04:43:41.000 As long as you're not dissident, head over to China.

04:43:43.000 What about the Uyghurs? 1.00

04:43:45.000 What?

04:43:46.000 I'm going Don Lemon on it.

04:43:48.000 See the Uyghurs. 1.00

04:43:49.000 Absolutely.

04:43:50.000 By the way, now that we're drinking a little?

04:43:51.000 Yeah.

04:43:52.000 A little. 1.00

04:43:52.000 Elon Musk fucking dominated that fucking motherfucker. 1.00

04:43:56.000 He ruled. 1.00

04:43:56.000 It was a bad interview. 1.00

04:43:57.000 He fucked Don Lemon up. 0.98

04:43:59.000 He had an interview? 0.99

04:44:00.000 And then fucked that up.

04:44:01.000 Also, he didn't have a contract signed yet. 0.95

04:44:03.000 I know. 1.00

04:44:04.000 You fucking dummy. 1.00

04:44:04.000 Who didn't have a contract signed? 1.00

04:44:05.000 He has for a super truck, too.

04:44:07.000 Yeah, I was going to give him a truck.

04:44:09.000 Elon Musk is like, you guys don't understand.

04:44:11.000 He doesn't really care.

04:44:13.000 Also, what Elon said was so apt.

04:44:17.000 He said, Don Lemon was doing CNN off CNN. You don't have to do that.

04:44:22.000 You're on the internet. 1.00

04:44:23.000 Have a fucking conversation with a dude. 1.00

04:44:26.000 Don't just berate him with questions. 1.00

04:44:29.000 Allow him to express himself.

04:44:32.000 Have you thought about the difference between free speech and hate speech?

04:44:39.000 Where is the line?

04:44:40.000 Do you think about the line?

04:44:41.000 Do you think it's more important that people decide what the line is?

04:44:45.000 Right?

04:44:46.000 Yeah, and he's saying that to him, and Don Lemon's like, oh, I just thought I was going to get you.

04:44:50.000 But Don Lemon never asked it that way.

04:44:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

04:44:53.000 He doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. 0.98

04:44:55.000 It's hilarious, because Don Lemon is talking about, like, oh, it's been so hard for me. 0.98

04:44:59.000 And Elon said, you're extremely successful.

04:45:02.000 He's like, yeah, but that was, you know...

04:45:06.000 Accidentally. 1.00

04:45:07.000 Mark, don't be a fucker. 1.00

04:45:08.000 Against all odds. 1.00

04:45:09.000 Like, no, it's not against all odds.

04:45:11.000 It's because of the current climate.

04:45:14.000 That's why you were successful.

04:45:16.000 Do it, Mark.

04:45:16.000 You're not good at what you do.

04:45:17.000 I don't drink.

04:45:18.000 Become great.

04:45:19.000 Become great, Mark.

04:45:20.000 Become the...

04:45:21.000 Yeah, exactly.

04:45:21.000 And what did he say?

04:45:22.000 He goes, I can't.

04:45:23.000 I don't know.

04:45:23.000 I was in the...

04:45:24.000 Become great.

04:45:27.000 So what happened?

04:45:29.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

04:45:33.000 Wait, what were we talking about?

04:45:34.000 I don't know what we were talking about, but Shane's there.

04:45:36.000 Beautiful, beautiful elixir.

04:45:40.000 Beautiful elixir of domination.

04:45:42.000 Put on your wooden beads.

04:45:46.000 And pray to Mother Gaia.

04:45:48.000 Oh, look at that. 0.99

04:45:49.000 Your girlfriend's hideous. 1.00

04:45:52.000 Three, two, one, Mark, go. 0.99

04:45:56.000 One, two, one.

04:46:09.000 That's just guys having fun.

04:46:10.000 That's just guys having fun.

04:46:11.000 Bros Babe Bros. 0.99

04:46:14.000 People hate it.

04:46:15.000 People hate to see it.

04:46:16.000 Who are these people? 0.99

04:46:19.000 What kind of loser people do? 0.99

04:46:20.000 What do they love? 0.99

04:46:22.000 Who are these people?

04:46:23.000 And what do they love?

04:46:25.000 And what do they care about?

04:46:27.000 What do they love?

04:46:27.000 And what do they care about?

04:46:29.000 Finish that, dude.

04:46:30.000 You didn't even finish it.

04:46:31.000 Mark, you didn't finish it?

04:46:31.000 You're breaking my heart.

04:46:33.000 Mark, you didn't finish it?

04:46:36.000 Oh, God.

04:46:43.000 Didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo sound, didgeridoo, didgeridoo sound, yes man.

04:46:54.000 Mark, sometimes you break my heart and it makes me so dang gum sad.

04:46:59.000 I don't want to break the beer down.

04:47:02.000 This is the last beer.

04:47:04.000 No way.

04:47:04.000 Thank God.

04:47:05.000 I told you we needed more.

04:47:07.000 Another case.

04:47:07.000 It's the last beer.

04:47:08.000 We for sure have more cases.

04:47:10.000 Hey, can I say something? 0.98

04:47:11.000 A memory of scraping together fucking $3 each to get a case of beer and everybody drinking it. 0.98

04:47:18.000 Back in the day. 0.98

04:47:19.000 Back in the high school.

04:47:21.000 I got $1.20.

04:47:22.000 That'll do.

04:47:22.000 Let's go.

04:47:23.000 You didn't know whether or not you were going to be able to get drunk.

04:47:26.000 You didn't understand what the world was.

04:47:29.000 You didn't understand what all these expectations meant and all these people that were telling you what to do and what not to do.

04:47:35.000 They were wrong.

04:47:37.000 Not only were they wrong, they were trying to impart their control on you to try to justify their own existence.

04:47:46.000 Man, you remember how fun it was to get drunk when you were a kid?

04:47:50.000 I don't know if we're allowed to say that on here.

04:47:52.000 I remember puking in a cab when I was 15. It's one of my favorite moments.

04:47:57.000 Me and my boys, we would go to Ocean City, Maryland every year.

04:48:02.000 Let's go!

04:48:03.000 I'd love to talk about this, but I gotta pee.

04:48:05.000 O.C. Grab a case while you're out there.

04:48:09.000 Get a couple of bruskies, will ya? 1.00

04:48:11.000 Get us a case, bro.

04:48:13.000 We would go down to...

04:48:15.000 OC, bro.

04:48:16.000 No one understands the Delmarva connection.

04:48:18.000 I love it.

04:48:19.000 The Philly-Delmarva connection.

04:48:21.000 Ocean City, Maryland.

04:48:22.000 A 24-pack of Natty Ice was $11.

04:48:26.000 And what did you do down there?

04:48:27.000 What did you do there in Ocean City at the boardwalk?

04:48:31.000 We used to sit on a tree trunk and drink them.

04:48:33.000 It's the best.

04:48:34.000 It's the best. 0.96

04:48:35.000 When you're young, getting fucking hammered, there's nothing better. 0.95

04:48:37.000 Now, I don't want anybody under the age of 21 to drink. 0.97

04:48:42.000 Don't, but just know that when we drink under 21, it's a rule.

04:48:46.000 No one carded.

04:48:47.000 Well, you guys shouldn't do it.

04:48:49.000 When we did it, it ruled.

04:48:50.000 I did not do it.

04:48:51.000 I waited until I was 21 to enjoy Bud Light responsibly, and I've always enjoyed it responsibly.

04:48:57.000 But I'll tell you what, if I had a daydream, if I imagined what it would be like if I was 15 and...

04:49:07.000 Keep drinking...

04:49:08.000 Shotgun and beers in Ocean City, Maryland.

04:49:10.000 Oh, man.

04:49:12.000 That was God's character.

04:49:14.000 OC, Rehoboth, Dewey, Screwy.

04:49:16.000 You go to head over to Screwy Beach?

04:49:18.000 Delaware Beach?

04:49:20.000 Oh, dude.

04:49:21.000 God gave us these beaches.

04:49:23.000 God gave us these!

04:49:24.000 God gave us these.

04:49:25.000 What's the pizza place down there?

04:49:28.000 Grotto's.

04:49:29.000 Grotto's pizza, dude!

04:49:30.000 Grotto's pizza!

04:49:32.000 Grotto's pizza is crazy!

04:49:33.000 You gotta get a fresh slice of Grotto's.

04:49:35.000 Yes, dude.

04:49:36.000 You got a fresh slice?

04:49:37.000 I got molested at Grotto's.

04:49:39.000 Oh, you go say, hey, what's the plan tonight?

04:49:41.000 Mama said Love Jump. 1.00

04:49:42.000 Dude, you know what I saw there?

04:49:45.000 What?

04:49:46.000 Scorpion King.

04:49:46.000 I saw that movie with The Rock.

04:49:50.000 Me and Jared Dupes.

04:49:51.000 Yo, shout out Jared Dupes.

04:49:52.000 Let's get it.

04:49:54.000 Show up Grotto's Pizza. 1.00

04:49:56.000 Damn, dude. 0.99

04:49:57.000 I'm going to Ocean City, Maryland. 1.00

04:49:59.000 Oh, Grotto's!

04:50:00.000 I've been to literally that one. 1.00

04:50:02.000 Oh, I got fucked in the ass in that bar. 1.00

04:50:05.000 Dude, nobody reps the Maryland flag. 1.00

04:50:07.000 Maryland flag might be the tightest United States flag.

04:50:12.000 And nobody rocks it.

04:50:13.000 Full hat, all Maryland flag. 0.87

04:50:14.000 It's the sickest flag.

04:50:15.000 I want a ski outfit, all Maryland flag.

04:50:18.000 That got you?

04:50:19.000 Here, do this one.

04:50:20.000 Do that one.

04:50:20.000 No, no, no.

04:50:21.000 Do that one, Mark.

04:50:21.000 Give it away for me.

04:50:22.000 Why are you a coward, dude? 1.00

04:50:23.000 You'll die. 1.00

04:50:24.000 That's why no one will remember your name. 0.99

04:50:28.000 I got the hiccups.

04:50:30.000 America!

04:50:31.000 America!

04:50:32.000 America!

04:50:33.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

04:50:34.000 We're saving the day of motherfucking beer! 1.00

04:50:36.000 That dog should be taken away. 1.00

04:50:39.000 SBCA, get in here. 1.00

04:50:42.000 Rogies is good, dude.

04:50:44.000 St. Rogies.

04:50:45.000 St. Rogies.

04:50:46.000 St. Rogies.

04:50:48.000 Now we're drinking a little.

04:50:49.000 Ari said the N-word. 0.85

04:50:50.000 I'm going to tell you this.

04:50:51.000 Wait, wait, what happened to the beers?

04:50:53.000 What happened to the beers?

04:50:53.000 You might be the best, dude.

04:50:55.000 You are the best, dude. 0.99

04:50:56.000 Aw, don't fucking, don't make me regret it. 0.99

04:51:00.000 Don't make, yeah. 0.99

04:51:01.000 Nobody supports stand-up like Rogan.

04:51:03.000 I don't know.

04:51:04.000 Pauly Shore's pretty good.

04:51:06.000 Who?

04:51:07.000 Who?

04:51:08.000 Pauly Shore.

04:51:09.000 Pauly Shore.

04:51:10.000 Mark's got the hiccups.

04:51:12.000 Nobody supports all stand-ups like Rogan. 1.00

04:51:17.000 You're the goddamn bro. 1.00

04:51:19.000 Who saw that coming? 1.00

04:51:20.000 Who saw that coming? 1.00

04:51:22.000 Some fucking meathead fucking workout guy supporting stand-up more than anybody in the world. 1.00

04:51:27.000 Nobody does. 1.00

04:51:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

04:51:28.000 Making it normalized.

04:51:30.000 Having open micers on.

04:51:31.000 Having going, hey, sorry, Oliver Stone, can't have you on tonight.

04:51:33.000 I got an open micer on.

04:51:34.000 I got to push. 1.00

04:51:35.000 I got a Jewish freak who fucks his dog. 1.00

04:51:38.000 I got to bring him on. 1.00

04:51:41.000 Why don't you do this dog this way?

04:51:42.000 Let that dog go. 1.00

04:51:44.000 He doesn't fuck his dog, he just loves it. 1.00

04:51:46.000 I love it. 1.00

04:51:46.000 Yeah, but he loves it too much for a man. 1.00

04:51:48.000 Yeah, let it run wild.

04:51:50.000 Let it go.

04:51:50.000 She's been running wild.

04:51:51.000 She's fine.

04:51:53.000 Alright.

04:51:53.000 That tail will stay different.

04:51:56.000 She's like...

04:51:57.000 That curled up tail's a sign of anxiety.

04:51:59.000 Yeah, put the dog down, bro.

04:52:01.000 Let it go.

04:52:02.000 Hey, hey. 1.00

04:52:03.000 Don't get the fucking... 1.00

04:52:05.000 Shane Gillis from SNL doesn't want me to love you. 1.00

04:52:08.000 Shane Gillis from SNL! Blame Lorne Michaels for my lack of affection right now.

04:52:13.000 Sorry, buddy.

04:52:13.000 How was Lorne on the SNL night?

04:52:16.000 He was a beast, dude.

04:52:17.000 Was he cool?

04:52:18.000 Was he like, we made it?

04:52:20.000 He was awesome.

04:52:21.000 Me and Sal went.

04:52:22.000 It was a fun night.

04:52:23.000 Me and Sal and Becky.

04:52:24.000 It was so cool.

04:52:27.000 It was so fun.

04:52:28.000 Literally, I called every favor I had to get into the showroom.

04:52:32.000 I was trying so much.

04:52:34.000 Me and Sal Volcano came up empty.

04:52:38.000 What do you mean?

04:52:39.000 Called in every favor we got.

04:52:40.000 He called, uh, uh, uh, Colin.

04:52:42.000 Jost.

04:52:43.000 I can't do it.

04:52:44.000 Literally every comic.

04:52:46.000 Yeah, because every New York comic was like, I want to be there.

04:52:48.000 Kyla was there.

04:52:49.000 Christine was there.

04:52:50.000 I got mine.

04:52:51.000 You got yours in?

04:52:52.000 I said, hey, I'm going to call your manager.

04:52:54.000 He goes, yeah, yeah, just follow up, make sure. 1.00

04:52:55.000 I'm like, hey, idiot. 1.00

04:52:57.000 I'm obviously coming to the show. 1.00

04:52:58.000 She's like, can't help you.

04:52:59.000 I said to Becky, I said, make sure Ari's in there. 1.00

04:53:03.000 There you go. 1.00

04:53:05.000 You were in there, you dumbass. 1.00

04:53:06.000 In the showroom watching a telecast in a green room with a bunch of fucking dorks. 1.00

04:53:12.000 Shane, you made me be a dork. 1.00

04:53:14.000 How dare you be nasty like this? 1.00

04:53:16.000 Joseph, where are you going? 0.94

04:53:17.000 He's going to get more beers.

04:53:18.000 He's going to get more beers!

04:53:19.000 Anyway, you being there meant literally nothing to me.

04:53:25.000 I was so pissed you were there.

04:53:31.000 But DeRosa was there, right?

04:53:33.000 Nope.

04:53:33.000 DeRosa did not make it.

04:53:35.000 He came to the aftermarket.

04:53:36.000 I told Shane, I was like, hey, get DeRosa here.

04:53:38.000 And Shane just goes, he's taking pictures on the outside of the aftermarket.

04:53:41.000 He goes...

04:53:42.000 Let DeRosa in?

04:53:45.000 What do you want me to do?

04:53:46.000 I don't know.

04:53:46.000 Just paparazzi.

04:53:47.000 I was like...

04:53:48.000 Dude, it ruled so hard.

04:53:51.000 We got a picture of us.

04:53:53.000 My niece was pumped that Sal was there.

04:53:55.000 My niece got there and was like...

04:53:57.000 She loves Sal.

04:53:59.000 What was the date?

04:54:02.000 Uh, February 24th. 1.00

04:54:04.000 Fuck me. 1.00

04:54:04.000 Dude, it was fun. 1.00

04:54:05.000 The fact that we happened to be there, too.

04:54:08.000 Welcome.

04:54:09.000 Welcome to the party for once, bro.

04:54:12.000 Well, a whiskey. 0.99

04:54:13.000 You had fucking two whiskeys. 1.00

04:54:15.000 Shut up. 1.00

04:54:15.000 Dude, we rated 21 Savage's dressing room seven decks of cards, so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. 1.00

04:54:22.000 By the way.

04:54:24.000 No one deserves more credit than 21. That's the bro, dude.

04:54:32.000 What was so impressive about him?

04:54:34.000 That's a sick picture. 0.82

04:54:35.000 That's a sick picture. 0.97

04:54:36.000 Hey, me, Shane, and Sal in front of it, and Shane just automatically going to cover his nuts because he knows. 0.94

04:54:43.000 Rightfully so. 1.00

04:54:44.000 I was wrong to not do it, to not just fucking dick punch him. 0.99

04:54:48.000 No, 21 was like, you know, he's 21. The whole time he's like, yeah, what's up, man? 1.00

04:54:55.000 How you doing?

04:54:58.000 But my niece really wanted a picture with 21, and he was already leaving.

04:55:03.000 He was out of the room.

04:55:05.000 And I was like, could 21 come back and take a picture with my niece?

04:55:09.000 And he said yes.

04:55:11.000 That's crazy.

04:55:12.000 Really?

04:55:12.000 That's cool.

04:55:12.000 Yeah, he came back in.

04:55:14.000 It was wild.

04:55:15.000 Here's Sal pissing in 21's dressing room.

04:55:20.000 That's fun.

04:55:21.000 Let's have a few more.

04:55:23.000 Oh, there you go.

04:55:25.000 Another five hours.

04:55:27.000 I'll do it.

04:55:27.000 We can keep going.

04:55:28.000 It's only 7 p.m.

04:55:30.000 Show starts right now.

04:55:32.000 Show starts right now. 0.99

04:55:34.000 I got the fucking hiccups. 0.99

04:55:35.000 Do you have a show right now? 1.00

04:55:37.000 Allegedly.

04:55:38.000 How does it feel to be a club owner?

04:55:40.000 It's interesting.

04:55:41.000 Yeah.

04:55:41.000 Some good and some bad.

04:55:44.000 Pros and cons.

04:55:49.000 Jmo, Jmo, how do you feel about that?

04:55:53.000 That's terrible, dude. 0.99

04:55:55.000 Shut up, I got most of it. 1.00

04:55:56.000 Pros, you got a secret weapon. 1.00

04:55:57.000 You can do an hour every night, but cons, you gotta deal with the bullshit. 0.99

04:56:03.000 Are you legally allowed to take a Lone Star on camera? 0.99

04:56:06.000 Not legally?

04:56:08.000 For real?

04:56:12.000 Bud Light, let it go.

04:56:14.000 We're good.

04:56:15.000 That's all I had left.

04:56:16.000 Bud Light's a better beard.

04:56:17.000 Everything on earth comes with pros and cons.

04:56:19.000 Bud Light doesn't do that.

04:56:20.000 Why'd you dump all these? 1.00

04:56:21.000 Shut up, dude. 1.00

04:56:22.000 Everything that exists comes with pros and cons. 1.00

04:56:25.000 Yeah.

04:56:26.000 The pros outweigh the cons.

04:56:27.000 Open a comedy club.

04:56:28.000 If you have the money, do it.

04:56:30.000 If you can do it, if you're me, do it.

04:56:32.000 That's how I feel.

04:56:33.000 If anybody's going to do it, I've got to do it.

04:56:35.000 You've got to do it.

04:56:36.000 It's like the obligation.

04:56:38.000 You get put in this weird spot where you have like resources that most people never have.

04:56:43.000 You have to do it if you care. 0.98

04:56:45.000 If you really give a fuck about what you're talking about. 0.97

04:56:50.000 It is great. 0.98

04:56:50.000 There's phones locked up. 0.98

04:56:52.000 Everything's great. 1.00

04:56:53.000 The fucking setup is great. 1.00

04:56:54.000 The way it was established is great. 1.00

04:56:56.000 The fact that it's stress-free, relatively, is great.

04:56:59.000 The fact that comics have embraced it.

04:57:02.000 Shane's moved here. 1.00

04:57:04.000 You two bitches having committed. 1.00

04:57:04.000 Brought all the dogs down. 1.00

04:57:06.000 Brought all the Philadelphia dogs down.

04:57:09.000 Nate.

04:57:09.000 Guard dog.

04:57:10.000 Road dog.

04:57:10.000 LeMay Pope.

04:57:11.000 You need to move here. 0.99

04:57:11.000 You guys fucking need to move here. 0.99

04:57:14.000 O'Connor Pope. 0.99

04:57:15.000 Playing around with these other places.

04:57:17.000 We should get a condo.

04:57:18.000 We should get a condo.

04:57:19.000 Mark, let's share it.

04:57:19.000 Let's share it too, Betty.

04:57:21.000 Mark, let's share it too, Betty.

04:57:23.000 Mark, let's share it too, Betty.

04:57:25.000 Don't wait for it in the same place as you, Mark.

04:57:27.000 Let's share it too, Betty.

04:57:28.000 Get your own spot.

04:57:30.000 Don't wait till the housing crisis happens here in Austin. 0.99

04:57:33.000 I don't give a fuck about that. 0.99

04:57:35.000 Let that collapse. 0.99

04:57:36.000 It's already happened.

04:57:38.000 Wait till McKeever gets down here.

04:57:40.000 All the bros are down here.

04:57:42.000 Everyone's down here already.

04:57:44.000 McCusker. 1.00

04:57:44.000 The fucking group we have right now is insane. 1.00

04:57:50.000 From Kill Tony to all the people that came from Kill Tony. 1.00

04:57:53.000 It is cool when you go like, hey, I'm here in a week.

04:57:56.000 I'm like, who can feature?

04:57:57.000 I'm like, well.

04:57:58.000 Everybody.

04:57:59.000 Oh, McCusker, Paziski, Rogan, I mean, Segura, Shane, whoever.

04:58:07.000 All of them. 0.96

04:58:07.000 It was like, hey, come down and fucking open for me. 0.96

04:58:10.000 Everybody. 0.99

04:58:11.000 Everybody.

04:58:12.000 It's what we wanted.

04:58:14.000 We're only a year in, man.

04:58:16.000 We're only a year one year in.

04:58:18.000 No, no, no.

04:58:20.000 Norman?

04:58:21.000 One more.

04:58:21.000 Give me a minute.

04:58:22.000 I'm still burping.

04:58:23.000 Joe, for real though, congratulations. 0.99

04:58:25.000 One year doing fucking stand-up comedy the right way. 0.99

04:58:28.000 Holding the line. 1.00

04:58:29.000 Fucking great job. 0.99

04:58:30.000 Not just holding the line. 0.99

04:58:31.000 Just fucking funny. 0.99

04:58:32.000 We're fucking telling everybody what the line is. 0.99

04:58:34.000 Yeah. 0.98

04:58:35.000 It's not just holding a lot.

04:58:36.000 Hey, I gotta say this.

04:58:38.000 Paying people the right way.

04:58:39.000 This is one thing I'm proud of.

04:58:40.000 What?

04:58:41.000 It's a small room.

04:58:43.000 I did the first set ever.

04:58:46.000 Yeah.

04:58:46.000 In the little boy.

04:58:47.000 You did.

04:58:47.000 That's not true.

04:58:48.000 Yes, you did.

04:58:48.000 Wait, really?

04:58:50.000 100%.

04:58:50.000 He opened up for Chappelle.

04:58:51.000 I'll tell you what.

04:58:52.000 Whoa. 0.93

04:58:52.000 Bully oh bully, did I bomb. 0.93

04:58:56.000 Not true.

04:58:57.000 I heard about that.

04:58:58.000 Not true. 1.00

04:58:59.000 That's humble Shane, talking shit. 1.00

04:59:02.000 And then Joe introduced it. 0.99

04:59:04.000 Joe was on the mic like, hey everybody.

04:59:08.000 He introduced the show.

04:59:09.000 I got on stage.

04:59:11.000 Everybody in the show was just Chappelle's...

04:59:14.000 No, no, [...

04:59:19.000 All this is inaccurate. 1.00

04:59:20.000 Norman, shut the fuck up. 1.00

04:59:22.000 Hold on, I gotta hear this. 1.00

04:59:24.000 Take it, coward. 0.98

04:59:25.000 Literally, no one knew what the show was gonna be. 0.94

04:59:29.000 I said, special, intimate show, 11.30pm, in the little room, sells out immediately.

04:59:37.000 Shane Gillis goes on stage, does 15 minutes, they have no idea Dave's going up.

04:59:42.000 He killed. 1.00

04:59:43.000 He's so full of shit. 1.00

04:59:44.000 He killed. 1.00

04:59:44.000 What was that? 1.00

04:59:45.000 The first guy ever, ever on stage.

04:59:49.000 Professionally, in that room.

04:59:50.000 Shane.

04:59:51.000 Okay.

04:59:51.000 Second guy, Chappelle.

04:59:53.000 Who brought him on?

04:59:53.000 I brought him on.

04:59:54.000 I brought him on.

04:59:55.000 Really?

04:59:55.000 Just to say hi.

04:59:56.000 From the DJ band. 0.99

04:59:57.000 You coward, I saw that. 1.00

04:59:59.000 No, no, no. 1.00

04:59:59.000 Is this yours? 1.00

05:00:01.000 That's his.

05:00:02.000 Wow.

05:00:02.000 No, no.

05:00:03.000 He's right.

05:00:03.000 That's his.

05:00:03.000 He's right.

05:00:04.000 Joe, stop.

05:00:04.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:05.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:06.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:07.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:08.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:09.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:10.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:12.000 Joe, don't do it.

05:00:14.000 Joe, don't do it. 1.00

05:00:15.000 Joe, Norman, Norman, Norman, you coward. 1.00

05:00:19.000 You'll never live this down. 1.00

05:00:20.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

05:00:21.000 Internet attack. 1.00

05:00:23.000 Wow.

05:00:24.000 Internet destroy him.

05:00:25.000 He yelled free Palestine in the hallway.

05:00:28.000 Did you guys hear that?

05:00:30.000 No, but I support it.

05:00:31.000 He supports it regardless.

05:00:37.000 It's hard to analyze any Shane Gillis story because his rise is so fucking quick that three months later you're like, oh, it was a different time.

05:00:49.000 He was slightly lower than he is now.

05:00:52.000 No, no, but that one was...

05:00:54.000 I would do that today.

05:00:55.000 No problem.

05:00:56.000 That was...

05:00:57.000 What?

05:00:57.000 First show at the Little Wolf.

05:00:59.000 Oh, yeah.

05:00:59.000 It was amazing.

05:01:00.000 That was an honor.

05:01:01.000 And then Chappelle goes on stage after.

05:01:02.000 They have no idea Chappelle's going up.

05:01:04.000 Wow.

05:01:05.000 Wow.

05:01:06.000 So I just say, all I said on Twitter, intimate show.

05:01:11.000 That's it.

05:01:12.000 So Shane goes up, and then Chappelle goes up.

05:01:14.000 And it's insane.

05:01:15.000 Wow.

05:01:16.000 It's insane.

05:01:17.000 What a show. 0.68

05:01:17.000 You gotta see it from my perspective. 0.68

05:01:19.000 Joe is on the mic introducing me.

05:01:21.000 On the DJ mic.

05:01:22.000 Which is crazy.

05:01:24.000 Just having Joe Rogan be like, hey everybody, coming up.

05:01:27.000 I said, welcome to the first ever show in the small room, little boy, at the Comedy Mothership.

05:01:35.000 What's up?

05:01:36.000 What's up?

05:01:36.000 How's everybody doing?

05:01:37.000 Alright, let's get going.

05:01:38.000 You guys ready to do this?

05:01:39.000 Alright, yeah!

05:01:41.000 Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite comedians.

05:01:44.000 Some guy you haven't heard of. 0.99

05:01:46.000 And then I had to get down and go, holy fuck, my bad. 0.99

05:01:50.000 So this is one year ago. 0.99

05:01:52.000 That's how much your world has changed in one year.

05:01:54.000 It's so crazy.

05:01:55.000 The rise is so non-stop that you can't analyze it.

05:01:58.000 Any story that happens a week after it happens is like, it doesn't mean the same thing.

05:02:04.000 Dude, you've gone up so fast.

05:02:06.000 I would do that tonight.

05:02:08.000 What, the little bit?

05:02:09.000 That show.

05:02:10.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

05:02:11.000 You might have to.

05:02:12.000 Tonight?

05:02:13.000 We're about to go rogue.

05:02:17.000 Here's the one thing.

05:02:18.000 What?

05:02:18.000 Norman never gets wrecked on this.

05:02:21.000 He's wrecked.

05:02:22.000 No, no.

05:02:24.000 He's wrecked.

05:02:25.000 He's wrecked for Norman.

05:02:26.000 No, I don't think he is though.

05:02:28.000 I've seen him wrecked.

05:02:29.000 I've been to 6am with him.

05:02:30.000 They say that.

05:02:31.000 All three of us have been destroyed on Protect Our Parks.

05:02:35.000 But he knows he's got to come with the quips.

05:02:38.000 When were you destroyed?

05:02:39.000 When were you destroyed?

05:02:41.000 When were you destroyed?

05:02:42.000 When were you destroyed?

05:02:42.000 When was I destroyed?

05:02:43.000 Yeah.

05:02:44.000 Right now.

05:02:46.000 I legitimately hold.

05:02:47.000 No, you've been more.

05:02:48.000 When were you destroyed, though?

05:02:50.000 Not when you drank more.

05:02:51.000 He doesn't get destroyed.

05:02:53.000 He's been destroyed.

05:02:53.000 I've been destroyed.

05:02:55.000 706. I've puked after.

05:02:57.000 We've got to end this.

05:02:58.000 We have to end this.

05:02:59.000 Norman Bong won, and then we'll end.

05:03:02.000 I yacked.

05:03:03.000 Norman bong that and we'll end it. 1.00

05:03:06.000 The best way to fix that is a fucking freedom bong. 0.99

05:03:09.000 Bong that and we'll end it. 1.00

05:03:12.000 America!

05:03:14.000 Please bong that and we'll end it.

05:03:17.000 Don't be a communist.

05:03:19.000 Norman.

05:03:19.000 Don't be a Uyghur.

05:03:21.000 What are you doing? 1.00

05:03:22.000 Don't get his dick on camera. 1.00

05:03:25.000 America! 1.00

05:03:26.000 Bong that and we'll end it.

05:03:27.000 Wait, what'd I miss?

05:03:29.000 You didn't miss anything, Mark.

05:03:30.000 We missed us waiting for you.

05:03:31.000 And we'll end it.

05:03:32.000 Norman's got self-protection instincts.

05:03:34.000 What about the whiskey? 1.00

05:03:36.000 Shut up. 1.00

05:03:38.000 I like how it distorts things. 1.00

05:03:40.000 What'd I miss?

05:03:42.000 What'd I miss?

05:03:42.000 Mark's bong that one.

05:03:43.000 This guy's pulling his dick out. 1.00

05:03:45.000 He's filling whiskey bottles. 1.00

05:03:46.000 That's a full whiskey bottle full of piss.

05:03:50.000 And he's not even halfway done.

05:03:52.000 Alright, before we end it, Norman, please bong that.

05:03:56.000 Alright, well, we should have a parting words, some words of wisdom.

05:04:04.000 Thank you, Joe.

05:04:05.000 Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. 0.95

05:04:08.000 We are retarded. 0.99

05:04:10.000 Farmers bummed it up. 0.99

05:04:12.000 We are here.

05:04:13.000 We are here for comedy.

05:04:15.000 We are here for comedy.

05:04:17.000 We hold the line.

05:04:18.000 We hold the line.

05:04:19.000 We hold the line.

05:04:20.000 We hold the line right here. 1.00

05:04:23.000 All that free speech shit. 1.00

05:04:25.000 This is Scotland. 1.00

05:04:26.000 We hold the line.

05:04:28.000 Come on, Scotland.

05:04:29.000 Step up like the JRE. I'm learning.

05:04:33.000 Under, under, under.

05:04:34.000 He's going with Scott.

05:04:36.000 Hold the line, Scotland.

05:04:38.000 Scotland!

05:04:39.000 Scotland!

05:04:41.000 We hold the line.

05:04:43.000 Underneath that hand.

05:04:46.000 Teach me.

05:04:47.000 We hold the line now.

05:04:50.000 I don't want to hurt him.

05:04:52.000 Good luck.

05:04:54.000 Good luck.

05:04:56.000 He's doing everything he can to not bong that beer.

05:04:58.000 BONG THAT BEAR! Good boy!

05:05:01.000 BONG THE BEAR! Can you hand me a brusky? 1.00

05:05:06.000 To support the truth?

05:05:07.000 He did throw up!

05:05:08.000 He's the first of us to throw up.

05:05:10.000 Um, no.

05:05:11.000 Today?

05:05:12.000 Today.

05:05:13.000 This is the first time he ever buked on one of these.

05:05:16.000 Shout out to Lone Star as Shane.

05:05:19.000 Lone Star?

05:05:24.000 America!

05:05:26.000 America!

05:05:29.000 Chug that, boy.

05:05:31.000 Chug it, boy.

05:05:31.000 Do it for the troops.

05:05:32.000 This is it.

05:05:33.000 Do it for the troops.

05:05:34.000 Do it for the ladies. 1.00

05:05:35.000 Mark, do you hate the troops?

05:05:39.000 Norman, bro.

05:05:40.000 Did you just take asthma medication?

05:05:42.000 Yeah.

05:05:43.000 Oh my god.

05:05:44.000 Oh my god, I knew asthma.

05:05:46.000 Three, two, one! 1.00

05:05:49.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

05:05:52.000 You better do it all the way, bro. 1.00

05:05:56.000 If you quit now, it'll be bad for you.

05:05:59.000 You gotta finish it.

05:06:00.000 It's such slow swallows.

05:06:02.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks, 11. That was definitely a good one.

05:06:06.000 14. It might be 80. Yeah.

05:06:10.000 What?

05:06:10.000 Time is relative.

05:06:12.000 Oh, man.

05:06:13.000 We started this at 2.30.

05:06:15.000 It's in the books.

05:06:16.000 150. Holy shit. 1.00

05:06:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

05:06:19.000 Damn. 1.00

05:06:19.000 The show's already started. 1.00

05:06:21.000 All right, let's go.

05:06:22.000 Derek Poston's on stage right now.

05:06:25.000 Good night, America.

05:06:26.000 The rest of the world that wished they were America.

05:06:29.000 Good night.

05:06:30.000 Uyghurs never quit. 1.00

05:06:32.000 We never quit Uyghurs. 0.97

05:06:34.000 China and Russia.

05:06:37.000 You can be us.

05:06:40.000 I said China and Russia.

05:06:42.000 You can be us.

05:06:43.000 All of us.

05:06:45.000 Together.

05:06:46.000 One world.

05:06:47.000 United.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 21, 2024

Joe Rogan Experience #2122 - Protect Our Parks 11

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