Joe Rogan Experience #2122 - Protect Our Parks 11
Episode Stats
Length
5 hours and 6 minutes
Words per Minute
193.0704
Summary
We talk about the new hate crime law in Scotland, and the future of the internet, and why we should all be worried about our phones being hacked. We also talk about how the government is going to take over the internet in the near future, and how it s going to affect us all, and what we should do about it. And we talk about what we would do if the government got their hands on our data. And we discuss how we should protect our hearts from the government spying on us, because we can t do anything about it, and we should just let them do their job, because it s their job to protect us, not ours to protect them. Enjoy, and spread the word to your friends and family about this episode! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. The opinions stated here are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise stated. Thank you for your support and support of the podcast, we really appreciate it. If you like it, please leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and tell a friend about it! We re listening to it on Anchor.fm and we re sharing it on social media. Thanks for supporting the podcast! if you re a fan of the pod, please tell us what you think of it and what you re listening and sharing it with a friend, we re listening about it on Insta: and we ll send us a review! and a review and review it on the pod is a review on Instapod! Thanks again! <3 - - Timestamps: 0:00 - 0:30 - 5:40 - 5:20 - 6:15 - 7:00 - 8:15 9:30 11:40 12:00 | 13:30 | 15:20 16:40 | 17:15 | 16:30 // 17:40 // 16:20 | 17:10 | 18:00 / 17:00 // 18:20 // 15: 21:10 19:30 / 16:00 & 17: 15 :00 21 :20 22:00 +16:15 // 21:30 & 16:25 23:30 + 16:50 25:30 @ 3:15 +17:00 ?
Transcript
00:00:18.000
You see that wild shit that's going on in Scotland where they're targeting comedians for hate crime laws?
00:00:27.000
Well, yeah, that was the same place with that guy, Dankula, right?
00:00:34.000
He got in trouble for making his dog do a Hitler.
00:00:36.000
He trained his dog to go, how little did he just do it?
00:00:55.000
Please, Scotland, we won't target comedians under new hate crime law.
00:01:07.000
You have one of the biggest fucking comedy festivals on earth.
00:01:42.000
The training material is based on Scottish government's explanatory notes which accompany the legislation.
00:01:48.000
This included examples of a range of scenarios where offenses might take place, but this does not mean officers have been told to target these situations or locations.
00:02:00.000
Dude, the mugshots from this are going to be hilarious.
00:02:04.000
Every comic hamming it up, getting arrested for an AIDS joke.
00:02:08.000
What's been explained to me by my friends in the UK, specifically Francis Foster from Trigonometry, he's awesome.
00:02:18.000
He was telling me that this government is on the way out and that they're out of their fucking mind.
00:02:24.000
Every fucking generation goes this way, then that way.
00:02:28.000
This way, they go too far left, then they go too far right.
00:02:32.000
And so these fucking kooks have decided they're gonna target people and put them in jail.
00:02:39.000
The dude got a year in jail for memes that were shared.
00:02:58.000
No, one of them was like a Hitler one that was like anti-Hitler.
00:03:05.000
And this was one of the ones that was cited as being one of the offenses.
00:03:14.000
Before the show started, the conversation was cut out.
00:03:32.000
By the end of this episode, it'll be worse than...
00:03:37.000
The group chat is like, look at this kid falling.
00:03:40.000
You gotta see this Belgium story and realize this fucking dumb shit is happening in 2024 with the internet.
00:03:46.000
2024. And you're going after people's phones and their private group...
00:03:52.000
If everyone's private shit got leaked, we'd all be...
00:03:56.000
How far are we from being able to listen to anybody talk at any time?
00:04:03.000
How far is, like, everybody from being able to do that and everybody assuming that everything you say all the time is being recorded?
00:04:11.000
You know how fucked we're gonna be if that happens?
00:04:16.000
Yeah, but it's also, it's like if it was actionable, like if you start talking about things, like say if you're talking about some kind of medication that you can't use or some new law that they're going to pass that's going to fuck up free speech, whatever it is, if you're talking about that and then all of a sudden cops show up,
00:04:32.000
if you're like, I want to kill these motherfuckers, because people say that shit.
00:04:36.000
You get around a guy, and he's drunk, and he makes $50,000 a year, and he sees where his tax money's going to, and he can barely get by, and he's fucking hammering, I wanna fucking kill Nancy Pelosi.
00:05:01.000
What a wild moment when he looks, he sees a cop, he's like, oh, I guess it's now.
00:05:05.000
How about How crazy is Paul Pelosi that he only had one hand on the dude because his other hand was on his drink?
00:05:14.000
How much faith did he have that he could get away with things?
00:05:28.000
No, I think that was the rumor that he was a gay lover.
00:05:33.000
There's a video of the guy using the hammer he hit him in the fucking head with to break into the house.
00:05:44.000
I think it's a schizophrenic in your house with a hammer.
00:05:47.000
Nancy Pelosi was like, you said you wouldn't embarrass me.
00:05:53.000
Maybe she thought about half of that $200 million she stole.
00:06:02.000
And this guy's got a fucking hammer, and he's got his hand on the hammer, and then the guy breaks the hammer loose and just bangs him in the head.
00:06:15.000
Now, when you're that old, and you get knocked the fuck out like that, that is really bad.
00:06:24.000
He got hit in the head with a fucking metal hammer.
00:06:29.000
Bro, it's crazy he only had one hand on that hammer.
00:06:35.000
His confidence that he has that everything's gonna be fine.
00:06:42.000
Big crazy looking motherfucker who just broke into your house and he has a hammer.
00:06:49.000
He thought that he was gonna like keep that guy chill until the cops got there and once the cops got there he's gonna keep him chill then they're just gonna arrest that guy.
00:06:59.000
You can't let a guy turn your hand that way stupid.
00:07:04.000
If someone's grabbing something and trying to take it from you, look, always have something this way.
00:07:25.000
Do you think he had any idea it was a Pelosi's?
00:07:32.000
How are you so confident that you could just sleep in that house?
00:07:52.000
I like how he pulls out carefully all his tools and then the plan is, smash it!
00:08:02.000
So he bashes through this fucking door, which took a while.
00:08:15.000
Maybe we missed a whole chunk where the guy just runs up to him and blows him.
00:08:21.000
The fantasy was like, and then Pelosi's like, I'm not pranking you.
00:08:39.000
Regardless of what you think about them stealing money, that's terrible.
00:08:48.000
What I should be saying is engaged in insider trading that's legal.
00:08:54.000
It's nuts that they can pass laws and they know the laws are coming and then they buy up stock and then they get...
00:09:15.000
That's going to be a weird feeling to know that everybody knows that you got all your money by being a corrupt politician and you're just wandering around.
00:09:27.000
Listen, the companies needed financial support.
00:09:29.000
We supported them and we were rewarded for that.
00:09:31.000
That's also why they probably need to keep making money.
00:09:44.000
Isn't it funny that Pelosi only gets the blunt of it?
00:09:55.000
Spy's like the S&P 500. Hold on, but this is based on the percentage of their returns.
00:10:02.000
So maybe Higgins is a new guy that just is in there getting really rich.
00:10:09.000
This is like the guy wearing the coat in Goodfellas.
00:10:27.000
You realize they have to kill that guy because he's got a Cadillac.
00:10:42.000
Those numbers provide a distorted view of the facts.
00:10:58.000
These numbers provide a distorted view of the facts that a spokesperson for Higgins, even better move, use a spokesperson.
00:11:04.000
In a statement to 7 News, the truth is Congressman Higgins has minimal investments and holdings.
00:11:10.000
In 2023, one position, which he had held for years and is held by millions of other people, performed well.
00:11:16.000
Higgins follows all ethics and financial reporting requirements.
00:11:20.000
Relatively speaking, he is always ranked amongst the most modest income earners in Congress.
00:11:25.000
No, it said he had less than 100 grand in the stocks.
00:11:27.000
So when he went up 80 grand, it was like, that's massive.
00:11:31.000
It's like the Pistons winning two games in a row.
00:11:33.000
Also, if he has minimal investments and holdings, he just gets lucky and he's got one of them is like NVIDIA. NVIDIA is a common one to hold.
00:11:41.000
And he goes, I've had it for years, it doubled.
00:11:43.000
It definitely jumped up when Nancy Pelosi fucking passed them bills.
00:11:48.000
Hey Nancy, you know anything about NVIDIA? Anything, Chance, I could do better?
00:11:53.000
You gotta admire it because it's in front of everybody.
00:12:03.000
But are you sure she banged him or did she just knew him?
00:12:06.000
Well, I think if you're in Kennedy's orbit, you're blowing him.
00:12:14.000
Isn't it funny that everybody considers him like our greatest of all time president?
00:12:30.000
Do you really think JFK was banging 17-year-olds?
00:12:44.000
And telling the teacher, you know what I think?
00:12:46.000
Wasn't he probably, though, begging a lot of 17-year-olds?
00:12:58.000
It's kind of crazy, but to be the leader of a country like that, it's almost like a prerequisite.
00:13:04.000
That's the only reason why you have the ambition to get to that spot in the first place.
00:13:08.000
Yeah, and up until Clinton, you kind of made fun of the girls.
00:13:11.000
And if you're not and you get into that position, now I'm skeptical.
00:13:21.000
I'll take the guy who just wants pussy every day of the week.
00:13:39.000
But our favorite is JFK, and he's like the known biggest poon out.
00:13:53.000
Back in the drawing days, you could do whatever you wanted.
00:13:57.000
You're not going to be here long enough for someone to sketch this.
00:14:20.000
God, the lawyers back then, it's like, I just lost the witch trials.
00:14:29.000
The witch trials are the wildest shit of all time.
00:14:44.000
The burning thing is kind of a misnomer, right?
00:14:51.000
They had this thing where they would put you in, like, lock you to a chair and throw you in a pond.
00:14:55.000
And then they'd be like, if she's a witch, she's gonna get out.
00:15:05.000
If they floated, they were proven to be a witch.
00:15:12.000
According to Smith, this type of test was also a myth carried over from early European history.
00:15:31.000
Listen, man, they killed people in horrific ways and just lied about it when they wrote it down afterwards.
00:15:40.000
It's just like this pyramid that you're supposed to let a guy put his ass on and just pull down.
00:15:49.000
One was the coffin with the spikes in it and they close it on you.
00:15:57.000
So the witch trials in Salem consisted mainly of a physical examination for the witch's test?
00:16:06.000
Which the Puritans believed was a sort of third nipple from which witches familiar would suck blood.
00:16:15.000
Woe be unto a woman with skin tags or a weird mole.
00:16:28.000
They think of familiar sucking blood out of your third tit.
00:16:39.000
It just ended because they were getting annoyed with how she was just calling everybody she hated a witch.
00:16:47.000
They had an early frost, and when you have an early frost sometimes, it gives you...
00:17:05.000
Wait a minute, but they've proven that ergot was in wheat during that time.
00:17:14.000
Hold on, let Jamie talk so I can hear what he's saying.
00:17:18.000
Massachusetts would not have had that problem, but I don't know why.
00:17:20.000
It says they would have known how to fix it by then.
00:17:27.000
Because I know they found, one of the reasons why they came up with this theory in the first place is they found evidence of Urgot.
00:17:33.000
It's like a fucking fungus that grows on wheat and it makes people trip balls, like acid.
00:17:39.000
For sure there was one that happened in France, where a bunch of people died.
00:17:44.000
It's actually the thing that they found in those vessels that show that the Romans and the ancient Greek were doing those psychedelic rituals.
00:17:53.000
They found these pottery vessels that have ergot in them.
00:18:04.000
The theory that went popular was started in a 1976 edition of Science Magazine, where it talked about the ergot theory, but as of now, they think that it is not probably true.
00:18:16.000
Interesting, but why do they think it's not true?
00:18:20.000
When they start dismissing psychedelic stuff, I'm always like, how do you know for sure, for sure?
00:18:26.000
Because if ergot does exist, and ergot is a thing that grows on wheat, and a bunch of people are just fucking freaking out about things...
00:18:36.000
The cultural fascination of LSD during this period.
00:18:43.000
So when people started using acid, the theory came out.
00:18:46.000
See, I was under the impression that there was actual evidence of ergot in samples that they got.
00:18:54.000
I might be mixed up because I know they found evidence.
00:18:58.000
Yeah, I've heard it, but I'm not sure if it's true.
00:19:00.000
But I know they found evidence for sure in these ancient pottery vessels.
00:19:04.000
So they know these people that were involved in the Eleusinian mysteries and all that shit that was going down in Greece 2,000 plus years ago.
00:19:13.000
It just says it led to this theory being put in the school curriculum as an explanation for the...
00:19:20.000
I don't know that they have actual evidence of it.
00:19:40.000
Bro, you are trusting bathtub chemists with your sanity.
00:19:48.000
The CIA's writing this down right now, and they're like, dos Ari Shafir with the good stuff.
00:20:13.000
I've never gotten anything while I'm moving it place to place.
00:20:20.000
It was a women's fertility drug they're working on.
00:20:39.000
We went to a festival in Western Georgia a couple years ago.
00:20:49.000
They're like, 100% pure, buy coke from that guy.
00:20:51.000
And then later they went to get acid from this chick on a bus and they were like, tested it.
00:21:00.000
And then the guy who had it was like, it was freshly dipped.
00:21:05.000
One of the stories I know as a music engineer of this being true because of the guy that like made acid was a Grateful Dead engineer.
00:21:19.000
Okay, so not only is LSD absorbed through the skin on contact, but it can apparently stay potent for half a century.
00:21:26.000
San Francisco sound engineer Elliot Curtis found that out for himself when he was fixing a 1960s synthesizer and then tripped for nine hours straight, completely unaware that the device had been encrusted with decades-old LSD. That guy took acid and made up a story,
00:21:51.000
Imagine if you leave a synthesizer and you go, I'm going to paint this bitch with acid.
00:21:57.000
Someone's going to get their greasy fucking hands on this.
00:22:02.000
Well, the old myth is Manson dipped a bunch of Bible pages in acid and then brought a Bible into prison that would just eat it every day.
00:22:12.000
Jolly West visited Manson when he was in prison.
00:22:15.000
Jolly West was the head of MKUltra, and they did LSD experiments on people.
00:22:18.000
And that's the primary theory in the book, Chaos.
00:22:25.000
Do you know Fitzsimmons was next door neighbor to this guy?
00:22:28.000
He was writing his book on the Manson family murders for like 20 years.
00:22:33.000
So this Jolly West guy visited Manson when he was in jail, visited Jack Ruby when he was in prison, and Jack Ruby went nuts.
00:22:44.000
Look, I think what it was was they were trying to get rid of the anti-war movement, and they were trying to get rid of the civil rights movement, and they were trying to get rid of a bunch of different things that were going on at the same time, and one of the ways they did it It was to, A, make all drugs illegal.
00:22:56.000
But one of the best ways to make all drugs illegal and discredit the hippies is dose up a bunch of them and get it to murder people in horrific ways.
00:23:04.000
And then all of a sudden the hippies become the most dangerous force in America.
00:23:07.000
And if you've got the power of the media behind you and you've pushed that narrative and you make it happen, You know, you're essentially waging war on American civilians.
00:23:18.000
You're essentially waging, like, a psychological war on the population that's paying your salary.
00:23:23.000
It is a wild thing they did, but they definitely did it.
00:23:32.000
Like, all groups that have too much power, you're gonna do some wacky shit.
00:23:35.000
The Dulles brothers, they can kick rocks as far as I'm concerned.
00:23:43.000
They might be involved in the assassination of Kennedy, too.
00:23:47.000
I think there was a lot of people involved in that.
00:23:50.000
He was tossing up the apple cart a little too much.
00:23:54.000
And back then, again, this was just 50 years past the drawing of people.
00:23:59.000
I mean, like, you go to fucking look for a photo from 1890. Good luck, bitch.
00:24:09.000
And then you're dealing with one president that's gonna get rid of the fucking Federal Reserve.
00:24:19.000
And then he's gonna get in a convertible and drive through Texas where they hated him in Texas.
00:24:41.000
Anybody who says you couldn't make that shot is out of their fucking minds.
00:24:46.000
All the arguments that he couldn't make that shot are so stupid.
00:25:02.000
The thing about it is, the thing about it is, they made up a theory.
00:25:06.000
On the count of three, one, two, three, and then everyone just shot.
00:25:11.000
They saw him, they probably all had a signal, something happened.
00:25:15.000
They're not- if they're gonna shoot the fucking president- His wife, Jacqueline?
00:25:18.000
No, there was a guy opening an umbrella for no- No, that's nonsense.
00:25:24.000
Some people think his fucking bodyguard shot him.
00:25:28.000
Look, there was probably a bunch of people shooting at him.
00:25:37.000
They altered it when they got to the second autopsy.
00:25:41.000
They got his body initially in Dallas, and then they flew it to Bethesda.
00:25:45.000
So in the interim, they changed what was listed as an entry hole in his neck to a tracheotomy.
00:25:53.000
And they say it's just like, no, no, that was just like, they did it wrong over there.
00:25:57.000
Well, there was a lot of shenanigans between the two autopsies.
00:26:08.000
The best book on this is Best Evidence by a guy named David Lifton, who was an accountant.
00:26:12.000
They hired him to go over the Warren Commission report.
00:26:23.000
Nobody would read the whole Warrant Commission report.
00:26:28.000
He read all of it and found all these inconsistencies, all these things that didn't make sense.
00:26:41.000
A lot of people that saw the assassination died in weird ways.
00:26:45.000
Like a giant number of people that were on the scene died.
00:26:51.000
Like, they did a statistical analysis of what are the likelihood of all these people being either murdered or suicide within a short period of time, and it was very low.
00:27:06.000
And isn't it crazy that we know about this because of Dick Gregory?
00:27:11.000
Dick Gregory the comic brought on the Geraldo Rivera show.
00:27:14.000
We know about this because of Geraldo and Dick Gregory.
00:27:17.000
Yep, they played it live on TV, and it's fucking crazy.
00:27:20.000
You gotta imagine, that was 12 years after the assassination.
00:27:23.000
You know Dick Gregory completely stopping a comic to become a full-time activist?
00:27:52.000
This is why I'm voting for RFK. Oh, he's spewing!
00:28:06.000
It says it's a super slow-mo and sharpened version.
00:28:09.000
Yo, how come nobody's throwing the Zapruder film into AI to clean this shit up?
00:28:51.000
The spray goes forward, but the head goes backwards.
00:28:56.000
The head goes back into the left, but it doesn't really.
00:28:58.000
It does, because you open up a hole and it sprays out, and then you go back.
00:29:07.000
The bullet goes through and then sprays out the back.
00:29:12.000
It could be more than one person hitting him in the head at the same time, too.
00:29:19.000
You know, you have to consider there's probably multiple gunners in the grassy knoll.
00:29:26.000
When they're gonna assassinate the president, they're gonna have multiple dudes shooting.
00:29:36.000
They said that she climbed, it's crazy, the news report initially said that she climbed out to try to retrieve parts of her husband's brain, but that is just not true.
00:29:45.000
Didn't they say she brought it to the hospital?
00:29:49.000
She did look like she went and grabbed something and then went back in the car.
00:29:59.000
Imagine if they could do that and just glue your brains back together.
00:30:10.000
Hey, if we're doing this, what happened to the Boeing guy?
00:30:13.000
Oh, the Boeing guy realized that he's a piece of shit.
00:30:19.000
The Boeing guy realized, the guy who committed suicide realized that he did a terrible thing by accusing a company of cutting corners, and he felt embarrassed.
00:30:27.000
That he shamed this great company that has done so well for all of us.
00:30:31.000
How many times have we flown on a Boeing plane?
00:30:39.000
But the wheels are falling off, doors are coming off, planes are fucked right now.
00:30:45.000
Boeing whistleblower told friend not to believe suicide before he died.
00:30:50.000
Hey, if somebody says I killed myself, that means I didn't kill myself.
00:30:53.000
Anytime you hear that, though, you're like, are you about to kill yourself, though?
00:31:14.000
John McAfee was one of the only guys that I just had on the phone.
00:31:20.000
We did a podcast with him when he was running from the law in his country because he says they set him up by killing his neighbor, but he was also allegedly online showing people how to cook meth.
00:31:36.000
There was an account that was linked to him that was like he had a lab in his backyard.
00:31:44.000
He was a genius billionaire who had a full-on meth lab.
00:32:00.000
Didn't he really want to have people shit through it?
00:32:09.000
This was during COVID. He's like a John Goodman character.
00:32:14.000
He was so crazy, but also really was in charge of, like, antivirus software.
00:32:22.000
And what he said is that he donated them computers.
00:32:27.000
And he had, like, malware in it, the government.
00:32:39.000
We sold, like, that type of, we sold, like, spy technology to our allies.
00:32:48.000
Huawei phones are, like, the most sophisticated phones in the world.
00:33:03.000
He wrote of one singling out the indescribable hypersexuality of the super perv powder, but warning that I had visual and auditory hallucinations and the worst paranoia of my life.
00:33:22.000
He's so different when Bat and Shane got to him.
00:33:29.000
So when we had a podcast with him, he was on the run.
00:33:45.000
I admire the billionaire who goes totally off the rails.
00:33:50.000
Is he the one that women shit through a hammock onto his chest?
00:33:58.000
Wait, tell me about the shitting for the hammock.
00:34:00.000
Apparently he was having ladies shit through a hammock on him.
00:34:05.000
And he was like, do I ask you about your sexual proclivities?
00:34:10.000
And we're like, yeah, you asked us if we were gay right away.
00:34:17.000
No, he was like, if that makes you uncomfortable, I've done way more.
00:34:31.000
Don't you love the fact that there's a guy like that running around?
00:34:42.000
They might have been, or he might have been on that fucking hypersexuality.
00:34:46.000
He might have been on the drugs he said he was on.
00:34:51.000
Bro, he's a guy doing meth who's heavily armed.
00:35:07.000
Also, he's like, how come this guy gets to have an army?
00:35:25.000
If he had one of them fucking Garmin watches on, he'd be like, 197!
00:35:30.000
A minute after tweeting that, he goes, oh, but now we could blame them if I did do it.
00:35:47.000
Methed-up 70s is like 99. Holy shit, he was 75?
00:35:59.000
Pro-athletes, when they're 35, their knees are fucked.
00:36:36.000
Yeah, he didn't just kill them because they were awesome because they only mowed the glass.
00:36:39.000
Didn't the neighbor do something to his dog, too?
00:37:05.000
Meth he engineered in a fucking lab he built on his property that he documented online.
00:37:12.000
He wanted the community to know about this meth lab.
00:37:16.000
He wanted to know about how proficient his meth lab was, you know, fucking really, like, scientifically accurate everything.
00:37:23.000
He was measuring everything perfectly, you know, beakers and all this shit.
00:37:31.000
You can call it bath salts all day, but what it is, that's just engineered meth.
00:37:42.000
There's different things that you can do to a compound, so it's not exactly the same compound.
00:37:47.000
Like 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine was legal for a while because it wasn't technically dimethyltryptamine.
00:37:59.000
If you can engineer meth, if you're a super genius who makes fucking software that can stop viruses, I bet you can figure out how to make some killer meth.
00:38:08.000
And this dude cooked up some fine shit, apparently.
00:38:16.000
That seems like the best way to get into meth is that meth.
00:38:18.000
The thing is, I have a feeling you never want to go back to normal.
00:38:26.000
The lady in the FTX trials, she was talking about how being on amphetamines all the time makes you realize how normal, sober interaction, how fucking boring they are.
00:38:57.000
He's saying this is when he said, like, just in case if I suicide myself, I didn't.
00:39:01.000
Getting subtle messages from U.S. officials saying, in effect, we're coming for you, McAfee.
00:39:14.000
I got a tattoo today, just in case if I suicide myself, I didn't.
00:39:27.000
He was just about to be extradited when he was found supposedly hanging.
00:39:33.000
His wife claimed that it shouldn't have happened, but when looked into it, the Spanish authorities said suicide.
00:39:45.000
So you're getting a tattoo saying, hey, if it comes out that I'm dead, it's because somebody, like, killed me.
00:40:15.000
You think he found some stuff out when he was looking to the computers?
00:40:17.000
I think he was one of the architects of that type of thing.
00:40:20.000
I think he'd probably fuck with them, and they were like, don't fuck with us.
00:40:31.000
And if he really did have all their stuff, that is a crime.
00:40:34.000
Like, if you really did install malware and get top-secret shit, they'll kill you for that.
00:40:40.000
They might not even bother taking you to court.
00:40:41.000
Soon after joining the MGMT, McAfee said he and his team exploited a flaw in the Android operating system that allowed him to read encrypted messages from WhatsApp.
00:40:54.000
He reported he had sent reporters malware-infected phones to make this hack work.
00:41:02.000
Of course the phones had malware on them, he said.
00:41:05.000
How that malware got there is the story, which we will release after speaking with Google.
00:41:11.000
It involves a serious flaw in the Android architecture.
00:41:15.000
It involves a serious flaw in the Android architecture.
00:41:28.000
It says McAfee moved MGT to mining of Bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies.
00:41:38.000
It was like when Suge Knight said he stuck Eazy-E on Kimmel.
00:41:42.000
Oh yeah, he gave him AIDS. He was like, you know, there's lots of ways to kill somebody.
00:41:45.000
You might just hire someone to stick him with a needle with fucking AIDS. You know what I'm talking about.
00:41:49.000
And everyone in the audience is like, what the?
00:41:55.000
Bro, how wild was it that Jimmy Kimmel had Suge Knight on?
00:41:59.000
You can get canceled today for having Chris D'Elia on your podcast.
00:42:31.000
Easy E with AIDS. That's why it progressed so fast.
00:42:48.000
Imagine Leguizamo was the first guest before Suge Knight.
00:43:32.000
Wally takes a puff of his cigar with his boots up.
00:43:52.000
What a great way to make everyone stay home on a day they need them to.
00:43:55.000
Well, what a great way to test how you can freak people out.
00:44:08.000
Did you forget the email saying, avoid the mall on October 21st.
00:44:25.000
There's intel that's going to be on this day in a mall or on this day in a fucking airport.
00:44:47.000
Listen, they're bad, but they're not bad like it is in L.A. Because it doesn't rain there.
00:44:53.000
You know they have those things, like the colors for fires, with the fire warning?
00:44:59.000
It's not red for like three months out of the year.
00:45:03.000
If you're an asshole, these fucking assholes that throw cigarettes out the window when they're done with them, these littering cocksuckers, You're not even allowed to smoke in your car with the windows up on the way up Loral Canyon.
00:45:20.000
I got evacuated three times when I lived in California.
00:45:24.000
But I was coming home one night, and the whole side of the highway, I was coming home from Fear Factor, the whole side of the highway for an hour was on fire.
00:45:35.000
It was just like one side of the highway fire, one side green.
00:45:44.000
It was like a scene from fucking a Hobbit movie.
00:45:56.000
This is the 405. This is the head of Santa Monica.
00:45:59.000
But this is much more contained than what I saw.
00:46:13.000
So you were seeing ashes fall out of the sky like snow.
00:46:21.000
You get a crosswind, it jumps, it hits a car, it gets other cars.
00:46:26.000
There was, in Northern California, a whole highway full of stopped cars.
00:47:00.000
And I know they have fires out here, but bro, you ain't never seen fires like those dry climate, high grasses.
00:47:07.000
And the worst is when it rains a lot earlier in the year, because then you get extra grass.
00:47:12.000
And then it always dies off when it stops raining.
00:47:21.000
Somebody lit off one behind Pink Dot, behind my old window.
00:47:30.000
Within like 20 minutes, it goes from a little one bush on fire.
00:47:36.000
There was one time in L.A. when we were at the store and above Pink Dot was on fire.
00:47:45.000
But was that the one where we were seeing the helicopters fly overhead?
00:47:53.000
It was like a war was going on right above the sign.
00:48:06.000
You could watch the helicopters picking up the water out of the lake and flying over the highway and dropping it on the mountain that was on fire.
00:48:14.000
Then I got to the fucking Grand Canyon and it had just burned.
00:48:17.000
For real, like, two hours straight, it was just the moon.
00:48:30.000
That's a wake-up call to how vulnerable we really are.
00:48:34.000
That was the one time where people in L.A. were cool.
00:48:44.000
Did you remember in New York when fucking Canada caught on fire?
00:48:53.000
The whole Manhattan was full of ash and dark smoke.
00:49:06.000
The shipment that was lost somewhere was some kind of chemical.
00:49:11.000
And this chemical, it was a toxic chemical and there was a high volume of it and it was lost.
00:49:17.000
And then all of a sudden these fires break out in Canada and this fucking orange smoke is making its way across New York.
00:49:27.000
Now that could be, I'm a moron, that could be the sun, the way it goes through the light.
00:49:37.000
Nor has anybody that I know ever seen like that kind of orange smoke.
00:49:40.000
They told everybody to change every filter in your car.
00:49:45.000
Did anybody do like an analysis of the smoke and go what the fuck is this?
00:49:50.000
Or did something burn somewhere that was toxic?
00:50:05.000
The first day I was like, am I fucking this hungover that it's like...
00:50:24.000
I remember driving in being like, this is fucking weird.
00:50:32.000
And then by the most, like the height of it, it was fucking insane.
00:50:51.000
I don't know anything about smog color, but that seems highly unusual.
00:51:02.000
There's conspiracy theories that are warranted.
00:51:05.000
Toronto didn't get it nearly as bad as New York.
00:51:08.000
Well, it's because it was coming down towards us.
00:51:39.000
There's these things, Shane, there's these things called Lucy's.
00:51:51.000
When you say that, I want two in my mouth right now.
00:51:55.000
You can't handle 12. No, this is from the fucking gas station.
00:52:18.000
My friend Justin, I got a friend Justin Collett.
00:52:22.000
And he makes you keep drinking with him, and he's like 350 pounds.
00:52:34.000
Shane's the king of that, comes into the cellar, and Debra's like, come on, one, come on, one.
00:52:51.000
Me and DeRosa came down to Austin, and we were like, we'll go hang out.
00:53:04.000
We were walking to a bar and he was like, oh shit man, are you not fucked up?
00:53:08.000
I was like, no, I've been drinking light beers.
00:53:13.000
Nah, you have two drinks every time we do this.
00:53:24.000
Stanhope was like, I'd just take a slow drip of alcohol through light beer.
00:53:29.000
He's like, yeah, I don't want to get too fucked up.
00:53:36.000
The best way to keep a good buzz is a light beer.
00:53:42.000
When DeRosa's done is when he says, let's do shots.
00:53:53.000
DeRosa brought his sandwiches to the club the other night.
00:53:57.000
He gave me a roast beef with prosciutto with like some kind of peppers in there.
00:54:48.000
That's what they said after they stole it from the Comanche.
00:55:03.000
You guys should get something in Germany, like a water park or something.
00:55:17.000
That's probably from before the white man even showed up and fucked everything up.
00:55:21.000
I have a friend who has a ranch out here that apparently was where the Comanche lived, and it's just overrun with arrowheads.
00:55:30.000
They actually put a piece of buckskin over their knee, and they hold this slate.
00:55:39.000
Bro, that's like literally, it could be a thousand years old.
00:55:42.000
Like, who fucking even knows how old that thing is.
00:55:45.000
It's actually probably about four or five hundred years old.
00:55:52.000
But the thing is that, like, these fucking guys, man, they made those things by knocking rocks together.
00:56:01.000
Like you knock it off to make a flake and then you have to like knock it against like something soft like your leg.
00:56:06.000
And they chip away till they make like this razor edge to these things.
00:56:12.000
And these fucking things are all over this guy's ranch.
00:56:17.000
He sent me like ones that are like marked off by like this.
00:56:27.000
No, this guy's a guy that knows how to recreate this shit.
00:56:36.000
Probably with one of those butcher's aprons on.
00:56:45.000
These people are a problem, though, because some of these people are, not this guy, I'm not saying this guy, but some of these people are unethical, and then they go leave these things.
00:57:11.000
They had a photo of St. Patrick's Day, and it's a black dude dressed like a leprechaun.
00:57:28.000
Are you just like sticking it in everybody's face?
00:57:34.000
Acting is harder than UFC, because he's in Roadhouse.
00:57:52.000
I think he probably just meant that he's bad at it.
00:58:03.000
I think he was just making a statement, a quote.
00:58:14.000
Learning how to act completely blown out versus doing UFC. He's an amazing promoter.
00:58:19.000
He's the best promoter in the history of the sport.
00:58:33.000
That's just a clickbait bullshit headline that you fell for, son.
00:58:48.000
I gotta see him, because he's on coke for this one.
00:58:53.000
Time consumption, and it's not just acting and fighting.
00:59:03.000
This is harder than UFC. It's also remembering the line, and you have some things.
00:59:18.000
It's just a difficult game and a lot more difficult than I give it credi- Ahhhh.
00:59:37.000
It's also memory in the line and you have to time things correctly.
00:59:50.000
If you're acting, you're going to be on a set 16 hours a day.
00:59:54.000
You're probably going to be sitting around for 10, especially if you're Connor.
00:59:59.000
You're going to be waiting around for your line.
01:00:02.000
We don't need you again until tomorrow this time.
01:00:03.000
Mate, what was it like when you kissed that cowboy?
01:01:04.000
But Eric Bana did an indie movie early on that was really good.
01:01:30.000
There's some crazy, psychotic guy that was like an Australian...
01:01:49.000
It's about this dude who's like this crazy fucking criminal, Australia's most notorious criminal, Mark Chopper Reed, in his years of crime, interest in violence, drugs, and prostitutes.
01:02:15.000
Oh, we can't play it because of fucking YouTube.
01:02:28.000
We can play them, but then they have to all get cut out.
01:02:51.000
Do you remember the moment when you decided that you were going to fall out of religion?
01:03:12.000
I was like, if we can't show YouTube, we've got to find funny videos.
01:03:17.000
I've got to send it to JMO. Send it to JMO. Goddammit.
01:03:20.000
The thing is, if you have the volume and they see the image, you get hit with a copyright claim.
01:03:39.000
Have you seen Magic with the guy from Westworld?
01:03:41.000
It's real similar to Bronson, though, isn't it?
01:04:00.000
He's so good looking, he probably got tired of pussy.
01:04:07.000
Band of Brothers might have been the best series of all time.
01:04:30.000
I thought we were talking about a different guy.
01:04:58.000
You know what I like is Miles Teller in Bleed for this.
01:05:31.000
My friend Nate Marshall, I told him I wouldn't share this.
01:05:58.000
Nate said he was like, I'm going to wait until everyone's gone to shoot the ball because I haven't shot in a while.
01:06:06.000
But while we're still out here, he picks one up.
01:06:26.000
That's a dude who severely overestimates his ability to throw things.
01:06:38.000
His hands behind his back and hasn't even hit the arc yet.
01:06:45.000
Listen, I talk a lot of shit, but my 10-year-old beat me at horse once.
01:06:56.000
Yeah, she's 10. Did you guys see Bobby Kelly working out?
01:07:21.000
Yeah, you'll see Connor try to throw a football.
01:07:30.000
Blowing his knee out, which can fucking happen.
01:07:36.000
He's not afraid to get a little wacky with his explosiveness, though.
01:07:38.000
I tore my meniscus in my knee once, wearing fucking jeans, doing a kicking contest with Joe Schilling.
01:08:00.000
Bobby Kelly's gonna look like a 50-year-old lesbian.
01:08:08.000
74. He's gonna look like an old woman working out.
01:08:31.000
I didn't get a chance to compliment him after I just trashed him.
01:08:36.000
Because I just trashed him and then we kept moving him.
01:09:04.000
Every time I see him, it's still like, I remember the old you.
01:09:07.000
So every time it's like, nowhere near the old him.
01:09:14.000
Well, I met Bobby when he was like 20. Oh, that was Hot Bobby.
01:09:23.000
Alan the Monkees was like a comedy troupe that would...
01:10:01.000
But he had the wherewithal to not let go of the weight so it didn't fall on his fucking head.
01:10:20.000
That's a 25. He was trying to do decline bench press.
01:10:24.000
Why the fuck would he be doing decline bench press?
01:10:38.000
If he was killing this, he wouldn't be as funny.
01:10:57.000
You gotta see, first he goes to the plates and he goes, uh, actually, nah.
01:11:02.000
Look, he's looking at those plates and goes, eh, we're not going to do that.
01:11:08.000
Are you going to show it again, you piece of shit?
01:11:18.000
By the way, he's an asshole to all of us, so fuck him.
01:11:30.000
He has a problem with all these tall guys over 5'8".
01:11:37.000
First time I met him, he was like, fuck it, I don't like your confidence, you're an asshole.
01:11:46.000
But he's always like, you youngsters, I'm like, Ari's 51. Yeah.
01:12:14.000
Of all the things we just said about Bobby that he'll be mad at, me saying he's like Voss is going to be the one.
01:12:23.000
I meant he's like Voss when it comes to talking shit.
01:12:26.000
And when you're new and you show up, Voss will be the first guy to be like, look at you, you dumbass.
01:12:37.000
Like, are you going to get upset if someone talks shit about you?
01:12:47.000
Listen, this is one of the best things that can ever happen, is you bomb and then you hang out with your friends.
01:12:55.000
You feel terrible, but at least everybody's laughing.
01:12:58.000
And you're having a good time and busting each other's balls.
01:13:03.000
Yeah, there's people walking out and shaking their head.
01:13:08.000
Montgomery tried to do that to me the other night.
01:13:12.000
I got off stage and I was like, you know, I always do.
01:13:15.000
This time I meant it, because I actually did do very bad.
01:13:22.000
As soon as he said that, I was like, you fucking worry about you, motherfucker.
01:13:31.000
The second somebody else was like, yeah, that sucked.
01:13:33.000
I was like, don't ever worry about what I'm doing.
01:13:40.000
William, you never know, like, are we in a play together?
01:14:09.000
That style is like, he could write about anything.
01:14:13.000
Because it's so, his style, and if you know who he is, he's so ridiculous.
01:14:19.000
Like when Mitch Hedberg would go on after like a rapper, like they would put him on after like comedy rap, and it would be death.
01:14:25.000
But once people figured out it was Mitch Hedberg and he got appropriate opening acts, then people came to see it.
01:14:33.000
Like typical down-the-line comedy, and they're like, not this weirdo.
01:14:37.000
Some guys would play music, and they would have funny songs, they'd close with that, and then they'd have Hedberg go up.
01:14:44.000
He'd go on Letterman, and a joke would bomb, and he'd go, I'm aware that joke is stupid.
01:15:02.000
And I was working the phones like, comedy hero.
01:15:09.000
And I was like, yeah, call that Hedberg guy and tell him he's got one less spot.
01:15:25.000
It was like, the fucking head coach is going to do a spot!
01:15:35.000
She didn't know about anything that was going on outside the store, nor did she give a fuck.
01:15:45.000
Yeah, she had some wacky ideas about selling sitcoms and she wanted comics.
01:15:50.000
But that was what was going on back in the day.
01:15:53.000
So you gotta imagine, that's why the Comedy Store has podcasts now.
01:15:56.000
Because we all started podcasts, the podcasts got huge.
01:15:59.000
So back in the day, the Comedy Store was seeing all these comics Developing and getting sitcoms.
01:16:04.000
All the way from Chico and the Man with Freddie Prinze.
01:16:08.000
He was like the first comic to get a fucking sitcom.
01:16:11.000
And then Sanford and Son was along that time with Red Fox.
01:16:14.000
And then it was of course Roseanne and Tim Allen and Seinfeld and Brett Butler.
01:16:22.000
So Mitzi had these ideas of developing sitcoms.
01:16:47.000
There's not as bad as some comedy club owners had terrible fucking suggestions.
01:16:58.000
My buddy opened for Gallagher and he was Joe List.
01:17:05.000
You should come on stage with a basketball and then dunk it and then do your act.
01:17:10.000
And List was like, ah, I'm not going to do that.
01:17:34.000
He was the first to FaceTime me after SNL to be like, dude, he FaceTimed me and was like, how do you think you did?
01:17:42.000
And I was like, are you calling me to tell me I fucking bombed you, dickhead?
01:18:05.000
He saw my stand-up show and was like, you're not going hard enough.
01:18:19.000
Oh, we haven't done this since you did SNL. Oh, yeah.
01:18:28.000
Any nuggets behind the scenes that no one knows?
01:18:46.000
Just to do the sketches and fuck around and the party.
01:18:50.000
I've been to the party a bunch of times and it's great.
01:18:59.000
The whole time I just had to say hello, thank you, goodbye to every single person that was there.
01:19:15.000
I mean, obviously it just brought the story back up again.
01:19:20.000
But it was also, it's like, honestly, this was like them saying sorry.
01:19:27.000
It was the closest they can come to an admission of guilt.
01:19:38.000
It's like recognizing, hey, this guy might be one of the biggest comics ever, and it's happening right now, and we should probably get back on board.
01:19:48.000
I agree, but it's annoying with the cancel shit, because they go, he's doing great!
01:19:53.000
You're like, well, he's also a good comic who worked his way up and has a sketch show and all this other shit and sells a ton of tickets.
01:20:02.000
Isn't that always the goal, just to become undeniable?
01:20:05.000
Yeah, but if you were doing that well and not doing well, like, nationally, they wouldn't be like...
01:20:09.000
He still deserves an apology if he wasn't doing as well.
01:20:29.000
But it's better for everybody if they don't say the words.
01:20:53.000
You're trying to be the fastest runner, and you're wearing 150 pounds on your back.
01:20:58.000
And you had a fast runner, and you dropped him.
01:21:12.000
If we're going to talk about all the culture shit, I think it's cool they brought me back.
01:21:22.000
You don't want to be a guy that's like, fuck everybody that said fuck me.
01:21:29.000
And that's what they offered the fucking olive branch.
01:21:36.000
Because most people would just be like, that person forever that I hated once.
01:21:51.000
They got caught up in it, and so I don't have any problem with that.
01:21:54.000
Don't you think that shit is just less effective now?
01:21:58.000
TMZ tried to do a whole thing on him, and I read every single tweet about it, because I'm a psycho, and it was like, I'd like it even more now, bigger fan, that's hilarious, thanks for this, this was a great clip.
01:22:11.000
There was another one too with like an Asian comic.
01:22:52.000
They put a guy with Down Syndrome at the start of a show.
01:23:17.000
People with Down syndrome can have higher, significantly, they have regular IQs.
01:23:24.000
But you know the, you know the Louie, Mantra or whatever is like, they burn your house down, you build a couple twigs and leaves with a house, a new hut, and they go, he's got a house.
01:23:35.000
And you're like, well, I had a mansion, and now I'm living in a twig hut.
01:23:40.000
Yeah, they're not happy unless you're completely destroyed.
01:23:42.000
I hear you, but it's like, what do you choose to focus on?
01:23:49.000
That was like a thing that I was worried about, was I was like, I should say something in the monologue.
01:23:55.000
No, but the idea is that because I'm hosting, they're going to go, see?
01:24:10.000
You used to have a great joke at that New Jersey room about being like a waitress because where do I know you?
01:24:18.000
At the time because you were like the topic of conversation.
01:24:21.000
Every single time someone would be like, I'd see like, for real, it would always be like an Asian woman would come up to me and be like, you were really funny.
01:24:34.000
Literally, if you looked me up, the first thing would be like, hates Asians.
01:25:32.000
The special, when I put out my Netflix special, I deleted, like, Twitter.
01:25:37.000
And then I deleted Reddit, because I was reading those comments.
01:25:40.000
Every once in a while I'll slip back into that.
01:25:43.000
Since SNL, I've been way off, because I know...
01:25:50.000
Listen, there's going to be a bunch of people that think everything sucks.
01:25:54.000
When you're dealing with giant numbers, each individual seems significant.
01:25:58.000
Even if they're fucking morons you'd never want to talk to.
01:26:23.000
So the human brain is designed to recognize threats and problems.
01:26:27.000
When everything's great, you don't think about it.
01:26:29.000
So if you have 10 positive people, Shane, you're the fucking man, that's great.
01:26:33.000
One guy goes, this guy's lame as fuck, tired of this kind of act, so fucking...
01:26:43.000
You got nine people that think you're awesome, but one douchebag thinks you suck.
01:26:47.000
And now when you scale that up to millions and millions of people, and who's writing comments, the majority of them are disgruntled people that are unhappy with their position in life.
01:26:57.000
You think Toothpaste feels that way when they're like, who the fuck was that one dentist?
01:27:10.000
Also, I know what you're doing right now, and I appreciate it.
01:27:36.000
Boy, imagine if they didn't make all that stuff illegal.
01:27:39.000
They didn't do the Manson thing and they just let psychedelics roam.
01:27:58.000
There's so many fucking amazing visual artists.
01:28:04.000
She apparently was talking, and she banged both of them.
01:28:10.000
Yeah, Bobby and JFK. Do you think the second one was on recommendation from the first?
01:28:41.000
Do you think that one brother's watching her at whatever the inauguration was when she's sitting in front of the wife and the other brother just looking at his brother going...
01:28:50.000
Can you imagine you're the president and you're banging everybody and everybody knows but nobody talks about it?
01:29:10.000
All he's doing is fucking the chick from Barbie or whatever.
01:29:22.000
She's probably spitting out her gum before she sucks.
01:29:34.000
Look at that normal Christian 25-year-old to the left.
01:29:59.000
Wasn't it like the overlap between Kennedy and DiMaggio?
01:30:26.000
That's what it is, and you get a piece of that.
01:30:27.000
Look at this dumb fucking bitch at every fucking high-level fucking art.
01:30:31.000
A bunch of writers are meeting up, and it's like, hey Miller, you brought your dumb fucking bitch.
01:30:40.000
Oh yeah, she was a fucking high-level novelist.
01:30:45.000
There is literally zero shot on earth that that's actually true.
01:31:09.000
Guess how much money you get paid to host SNL. How much?
01:31:19.000
Dude, we rented 21 Jump Street's fucking dressing room afterwards.
01:31:44.000
Listen, if Siren Like bounces back, if that is what, like, the first step and then bouncing back and having more wild shit.
01:31:54.000
It went fucking guys saying gay and retard to massive, awesome tits are back.
01:32:13.000
That's why she's at the party, Ari, you piece of shit.
01:32:20.000
He's going to bring her wherever the fuck she wants to go.
01:32:31.000
She addresses those Glenn Powell rumors, and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about.
01:32:38.000
You know, she's got to talk about some things that are in the news.
01:32:48.000
The tragic truth about Marilyn Monroe's concealed and It is said that she was a star brilliant with a high IQ. There you go!
01:33:05.000
But it doesn't say it's higher than Einstein's.
01:33:09.000
It's unproven, but it does say that it was as high as 168 and Einstein was at 160 or so.
01:33:44.000
How come there's no community notes on that statement?
01:33:50.000
Speaking of which, Ari went to the migrant meeting.
01:33:53.000
Oh yeah, I went to the meeting of the migrants in my neighborhood.
01:34:05.000
Of course you went to a fucking community center, dude.
01:34:09.000
On that whole line around the neighborhood of like new migrants.
01:34:12.000
They're going to piss in the bushes, so they all sound like me.
01:34:16.000
They're only going to raise money for port-a-potties or they're fucking pissing in the bushes.
01:34:18.000
Well, your park went to hell so the community's fucked.
01:34:24.000
No, they'll piss in them if we tell them to piss in them.
01:34:26.000
If we get them that, but they're not going to get it to them.
01:34:28.000
Yeah, but they're not going to regular port-a-potty.
01:34:30.000
They're going to want a good one that you can sit down in with a little sink in it.
01:34:37.000
Porta potties are just a hole with the fucking blue water in it.
01:34:44.000
Instead of pissing in the park, they'll piss on the nose.
01:34:54.000
Fucking piss in these that we set up so we can have the trees tomorrow when you're sober.
01:35:15.000
So boy dogs piss on things, but girl dogs just squat.
01:35:19.000
So they leave these little dark puddles in your lawn.
01:35:28.000
Well, wouldn't the forest be ruined by, like...
01:35:44.000
But they're always putting the things around the trees.
01:35:46.000
Like, don't let dogs piss in so it'll kill the tree.
01:35:48.000
In the UK, they have urine deflectors everywhere because people pee all over the buildings.
01:36:00.000
Oh, so you can't piss on them because it'll splatter on you.
01:36:08.000
So they just assume people are going to pee on that, or they're stopping people from peeing on it?
01:36:13.000
So they're going to pee, so let it drip away from the fucking crevices.
01:36:20.000
Remember when we were talking about there was just pee and poop everywhere in the 1700s?
01:36:29.000
They said they're having a problem with some people that come from other places to new cities where they just still decide to shit on the ground.
01:36:41.000
I'm not going to go to some little closet that smells awful when I get to shit right here.
01:36:49.000
Because you're like, damn it, that's a fucking person one.
01:36:57.000
It looks like you're praying to the Lord of Piss.
01:37:12.000
You're out in New York, it's just a place that's three quarters enclosed to go in and piss on a wall.
01:37:24.000
Look how beautiful these public urinals used to be.
01:37:31.000
Show Shane the other ones that you showed, the New York City one.
01:37:38.000
But show the whole thing so you can see the top.
01:38:20.000
Close the door because the dogs really want to get in here.
01:38:29.000
1875. All the New York subway bathrooms had to be locked up.
01:38:36.000
But don't they have, like, the National Guard and the subway now or something?
01:38:49.000
That whole letting everybody in thing is just crazy.
01:38:56.000
People started using them as places to talk for private conversation.
01:39:05.000
I'm going to tell you that we're planning the rebellion.
01:39:10.000
Oh, 1980. Yeah, in 1980 they were replaced systematically.
01:39:17.000
100 years, 105. Dude, it seems like the 80s are so recent, but if you had to go back and live back then, like, you would...
01:39:37.000
No one has real evidence that you were ever alive.
01:39:42.000
I think about that a lot when I'm laying in bed.
01:39:44.000
I think about my parents in the 80s and the 90s.
01:39:47.000
You just go out to dinner, you go to a friend's house, you skateboard all day, you bike ride.
01:39:56.000
When I grew up, people would open the window and yell for their kids.
01:40:08.000
But now people would tweet and go, this mom is a little aggressive, she's a little controlling.
01:40:17.000
When I was a kid, I lived in San Francisco, and then we moved to Florida, and then we moved to Boston.
01:40:29.000
And our next-door neighbors were in a punk band.
01:40:32.000
And the fucking entire basement, they converted to a session place.
01:40:38.000
And so they had carpet, like seven, eight layers of carpet.
01:41:06.000
They're pretty good, if you're into that kind of music.
01:41:08.000
And I would go down, they'd let me watch them perform.
01:41:21.000
And so these people were, like, they recorded this.
01:41:24.000
There's a video, I think, that's available on YouTube, or at least the song's available on YouTube.
01:41:30.000
We built this mini ramp in my backyard, and every kid in the neighborhood would use it.
01:41:55.000
Did you ever go over and knock on the door and go, hey, quiet down a little bit?
01:42:01.000
It was just a weird time, if you consider how people grow up today.
01:42:06.000
If you grow up today, you're growing up in the weirdest time.
01:42:12.000
But it's like every civilization has had to deal with that.
01:42:15.000
When they invented the printing press, when they invented cars, when they invented airplanes, every generation has had to deal with some new weirdness.
01:42:36.000
And then I got in here and I was like, damn, I should've got it.
01:43:28.000
If we asked him if we could use American Badass.
01:43:35.000
Wait, so we're not allowed to have fun and use music anymore?
01:44:37.000
So what's going on with you guys now that Mark's gone?
01:45:05.000
Dude, you get outside that door and there's fucking two dogs.
01:45:29.000
She's been here, but only for a brief period of time.
01:45:42.000
When Ari was inside before, she was sitting outside the door, just sitting, staring up at the door, knowing that he was in that room.
01:46:00.000
It's not like a fun, it's a quiet, weird, you know what I mean?
01:46:06.000
That's literally every dog doesn't like fireworks.
01:46:18.000
I'm just saying that you guys know these types of dogs.
01:47:24.000
Well, everybody loves the underdog, and when you were the underdog forever...
01:47:34.000
Bro, when I went to Northern Ireland and I saw the fucking cars, the police cars that are to this day armored with big steel plates all around them because of the IRA bombs.
01:47:44.000
Otherwise, we're going to talk over each other.
01:47:51.000
Ari just has disjointed, off-hand conversations.
01:47:56.000
The thing is, when you're listening, it's so hard.
01:48:10.000
I had him on in the beginning, and it made me feel bad because we were talking over each other.
01:48:40.000
Dude, I went there a couple years ago and Che was giving me a tour.
01:48:46.000
And he goes, if you go in the back way, I was like, can I go back there and see what's there?
01:48:52.000
He goes, yeah, but there's a superstition that if you walk through before you're actually hosting, you'll never host.
01:48:58.000
And I just looked at him for like five seconds and I was like, oh yeah, I'm going back there.
01:49:08.000
Like, oh no, you're going to take away my five grand?
01:49:14.000
They were like, alright, you gotta sign these contracts.
01:49:15.000
And I was like, alright, and then we'll pay you.
01:49:25.000
But your agent gets 10%, your manager gets 10%.
01:49:41.000
You went through it, and you went through it bigger than ever.
01:49:44.000
It's like, that's the beautiful thing about it.
01:49:48.000
It worked out, it's great, and it shows that you're awesome at sketches, and it turns people to Gillian Keyes, which is, I think, the best sketch show on the internet.
01:49:58.000
Brother fucking OnlyFans Dad is one of the best fucking sketches I have ever seen.
01:50:13.000
And that's the best part, is that it sends people towards the real shit.
01:50:18.000
Independent comedy sketches that are done by the people that are actually funny.
01:50:36.000
Don't fuck with the Carolina Reaper, wicked cuts, beef jerky.
01:51:10.000
How about a round of applause for the troops, everybody?
01:51:23.000
Can you imagine bombing and someone's like, who's having a birthday?
01:51:26.000
And the audience would be like, no, you're not including me.
01:51:32.000
But most unreasonable people would be like, me!
01:51:58.000
That's the one lady show I can sit down and watch.
01:52:01.000
You want to talk about the threats to marriage.
01:52:04.000
This is like the argument against gay marriage.
01:52:19.000
That's actually a day for 90 days and then you gotta get married.
01:52:25.000
There's other ones like The Bachelor or Love is Blonde.
01:52:28.000
They don't even talk to each other and then they get engaged.
01:52:35.000
And you don't know what they even look like until you meet them.
01:52:44.000
99 makes America look great because they're willing to leave this country to go live in Pensacola in a condo.
01:53:00.000
Over in China, every day, it's like fucking the ninja show.
01:53:13.000
There's all fucking chest puffing and they're getting rid of all femininity on television.
01:53:18.000
I bet China's TV is just ours 10, 15 years ago.
01:53:22.000
I bet China's TV is ours if we had fucking control of this fucking thing.
01:53:44.000
Isn't it funny that everybody really kind of wants the big daddy in the sky to take care of everything?
01:53:54.000
Yeah, Thor, Thor's brother was like, you want to be led.
01:54:25.000
Carl looks like he reads a newspaper at noon in a pub.
01:54:30.000
I think Carl does now have strong convictions and he could be persuaded in either direction.
01:54:43.000
Boy, if you want to convert to the Jews, they make it hard.
01:54:57.000
That's such a wild flex for a woman to force you to convert.
01:55:03.000
Well, the foreskin looks better when it's gone.
01:55:13.000
Chop your forehead skin off and risk infection and death and the loss of your dick.
01:55:22.000
Yeah, well, my friend got circumcised at 33 and he's happy.
01:55:25.000
By the way, tip for everybody, you can just lie to the in-laws and tell them you did it.
01:55:29.000
What you just said is the ultimate anecdotal experience.
01:55:36.000
My friend got his dick mutilated and he loves it!
01:55:46.000
What kind of dirty motherfucker is constantly getting dick infections.
01:56:10.000
Tossing fucking curry chicken into your mouth with your dick?
01:56:39.000
Yeah, I've seen a dog's dick every day of the week.
01:56:54.000
At the old studio, we had a walrus one, a petrified walrus one.
01:57:36.000
There's one where he hops into a Down Syndrome guy.
01:57:39.000
He opens his bedroom door and the mirror shows a Down Syndrome guy and he's like, I'm retarded?
01:57:57.000
That's the language they used on dramas on TV back then.
01:58:09.000
By the way, every female comic is like, you know what it's like getting attacked by the way you look?
01:58:26.000
I love hearing that when it's like, you have no idea what it's like to get made fun of for how you look.
01:58:36.000
If you're a talented guy and you look like shit, you can still get laid.
01:58:45.000
Let's say someone far worse off than anyone in this room.
01:58:50.000
You can still get beautiful women because you're talented.
01:58:56.000
True, but they can get puss or they can get dick without being talented and hot.
01:59:04.000
And they can be a seven and get real high level dick.
01:59:06.000
They cannot be attractive at all and get dick whenever.
01:59:15.000
I mean mathematics in the sense that each thing has a value to it.
01:59:24.000
That super, super fucking old dude that owned Fox?
01:59:28.000
This dude is worth billions of dollars and got divorced, right?
01:59:32.000
Or he was gonna get married, had this fiancée, and she's like really into Christianity or something.
01:59:37.000
But the crazy thing is he was talking about the rest of his life.
01:59:43.000
Like, he's 90. If you see him walking around, you're like, this guy's crazy.
01:59:47.000
But it's because this guy knows he can still sling dick.
02:00:11.000
There is not a woman who divorced Jerry Hall, the woman who was married to Mick Jagger.
02:00:35.000
But this is why a woman can say, you don't know what it's like.
02:00:49.000
But if you're not hot, then you're judged unfavorably about something that you have no control over, and that's your value to a lot of people.
02:00:59.000
Of course, the original statement, though, was female comics talk about People always comment on my looks.
02:01:11.000
It's just, I think it has a different value for women.
02:01:21.000
There's a thing that separates you from everybody, and that's talent.
02:01:25.000
And for a woman, it's like, unattractiveness is the Trumper.
02:01:45.000
But it's just, if you're a woman and you don't get lucky, that's a bad sentence.
02:01:50.000
Like, if your whole world around you, especially today, if you're, like, that's one of the things that social media has fucked young girls up.
02:01:57.000
Because, like, you're looking at girls that are way hotter than you before they use filters.
02:02:04.000
And then they throw filters on, they look insanely good, and you know there's not a fucking chance in hell.
02:02:10.000
The genes that you got dealt, the fucking hand of cards you got, is gonna compete with that.
02:02:19.000
You're not in that world of like, here's me in a bikini picture.
02:02:33.000
If Kim Kardashian wants to marry a nice guy, she can do.
02:02:37.000
If she decides to just go grab some nice guy, well, he was the guy who was working on my house.
02:02:43.000
Do you know what's going to happen if she knows he's a nice guy?
02:02:45.000
Day one, TMZ's going to stick a camera in his face.
02:02:51.000
She'll tie him to the bed and just fuck the shit out of him.
02:03:03.000
That's the super mindfuck is when people get famous, like Jordan Peterson style.
02:03:28.000
He, unfortunately, did not know the side effects of benzodiazepines.
02:03:40.000
But I think part of the reason why he was struggling is his wife was going through cancer.
02:03:49.000
Listen, man, if you did something, like if you play golf, you play golf, right?
02:03:58.000
So if I came to you, what's a thing that you do that I don't do?
02:04:02.000
Okay, so if I came to you and go, how do you do this?
02:04:07.000
So if you're a doctor, a psychologist, you call your friend who's a psychiatrist, and you say, I'm going through this.
02:04:13.000
Take this, don't worry, you're gonna feel way better.
02:04:17.000
But he doesn't realize that there's one of two things that's commonly used that'll kill you if you just jump off it.
02:04:27.000
If you're an alcoholic, if you're like a full-on, all-day drinking...
02:04:34.000
So he didn't realize that until he tried to get off of him.
02:04:41.000
But yeah, anytime any of those intellectuals become famous, they kind of stink.
02:04:45.000
And then when you get fully sucked into the culture war as an intellectual, Either side, I don't love it.
02:04:53.000
Yeah, because then it's like you're wasting all your mental energy on the culture war and not curing cancer or some social thing.
02:04:59.000
But it's also to recognize that if you don't fight against this shit, it just keeps pushing and gaining more boundary, more ground.
02:05:18.000
I know it seems crazy when you look at it out of context, but if you look at him crying in the context of the conversation, it's because he really feels that way.
02:05:34.000
And he's being himself in front of all these people.
02:05:37.000
And he's being himself with all these people watching him.
02:05:45.000
But he does that because he thinks that suits look good.
02:05:56.000
It's like, eh, you guys are all becoming something else.
02:05:58.000
But it's also because you're a part of a system.
02:06:04.000
But then the problem becomes, are you constantly fighting that system?
02:06:07.000
Or are you just speaking about things the way you see them?
02:06:10.000
Well, the question is, why is there a system fighting him?
02:06:14.000
Why can't he just exist and talk about what he wants to talk about?
02:06:21.000
But why can't he have an influence and why do we have to attack him?
02:06:31.000
And then people that don't like the things you like are like, he's actually a Nazi.
02:06:35.000
And then the people that call him a Nazi are like, you're gay.
02:06:49.000
That's why you would infuriate me, that whole punch a Nazi thing.
02:07:02.000
Well, they were calling Dave Smith a self-hating Jew.
02:07:05.000
Because he's criticizing the way Israel's bombing the fucking shit out of Gaza.
02:07:16.000
I like the way they're killing the Palestinians.
02:07:26.000
You're saying how Hamas is killing the Palestinians?
02:07:30.000
Yeah, when they line them up and execute all their fucking people running against them.
02:07:36.000
The Jews tried to have a ceasefire and they wouldn't go with it.
02:07:40.000
The Jews threw out a ceasefire, like, hey, let's do a ceasefire, and Palestine was like, nah.
02:07:53.000
I'm sure the terms dictate whether they say yes or not.
02:07:58.000
That there was protests in the streets for months, hundreds of thousands of people protesting Netanyahu.
02:08:07.000
You can be against your leaders without being against the countries.
02:08:21.000
Get some 40-year-olds in there to fucking stay high.
02:08:23.000
The thing is, man, the people that have gone through this, you're not going to erase this.
02:08:28.000
You're not gonna erase the memory of what they did to Gaza.
02:08:30.000
You're not gonna erase the memory of what those people in Israel experienced when those dudes are fucking parachuting down and gunning people down and chasing down kids at a rave.
02:08:45.000
Remember, there was a ceasefire on October 6th that Hamas broke by their barbaric assault on peaceful civilians.
02:08:50.000
Scroll up so we can see that trustworthy picture.
02:08:56.000
It did not hold because Hamas chose to break it.
02:09:00.000
Moss have consistently broken ceasefires over a number of years.
02:09:03.000
If Dave Smith was here, Dave Smith would be able to lay this out.
02:09:10.000
I found out about Dave because of Ari's State of the Country.
02:09:23.000
Yeah, sometimes you talk to him and you're like, wait, wait, who?
02:09:28.000
No, I mean, he just can talk about basically any international crisis that he's investigated.
02:09:34.000
He investigates things to the point of, like, he'll be able to tell you the root of the conflict.
02:09:51.000
Back to the female comedian thing about you're looking retarded, that whole thing.
02:09:56.000
Well, what bugs me is that it's all men's fault, but they judge each other.
02:10:02.000
There's a lot of lady-on-lady judging of appearance.
02:10:06.000
All this is going to go out the window with CRISPR. With CRISPR? With genetic engineering.
02:10:11.000
They're going to change people and turn them into fucking...
02:10:14.000
We'll always talk about his body positivity, but everybody's getting Botox, lap band, and they're all on a Zembik.
02:10:21.000
Well, they don't want to die, but they want to pretend they're okay.
02:10:24.000
And they want to pretend that it's fine to be exactly how you are.
02:10:28.000
Because it's uncomfortable to deal with the fact that you've got to make some changes.
02:10:38.000
Let's keep everybody weak and fat and stupid and lazy and addicted to their phones.
02:11:16.000
We got a little fundraiser for the coffee shop.
02:11:25.000
So this will come out tomorrow, so they'll hear it.
02:12:08.000
First of all, I got leaked that you were in a Tarantino thing, which I think was bullshit.
02:12:16.000
I feel like I'm talking to one of them UFO guys that's bullshitting me.
02:12:19.000
There's a few of those UFO guys that talk to him, I'm like, you're bullshitting me.
02:12:22.000
If I was in the Tarantino movie, I would tell you guys.
02:13:42.000
The guy that he was a partner with in the early days made this fucking...
02:13:47.000
I believe he is tied up right now with legal issues of an undisclosed environment.
02:13:53.000
No female characters in Resoir Dogs because the movie took place over the course of an hour in this warehouse after this robbery.
02:14:00.000
These guys aren't going to bring their girlfriends to the robbery.
02:14:13.000
When the piano starts in the movie, fast forward!
02:14:17.000
Was that movie an homage to a Chinese or a Japanese movie?
02:14:27.000
Jamie, that's not the type of backtalk we need.
02:14:31.000
Has there ever been a guy that's never had one miss?
02:14:52.000
I was so excited for it because Django and Inglourious Basterds are top.
02:15:03.000
Jango was kind of like a little bit over the line of like reality.
02:15:19.000
And you're like, fuck, some shit's going to go back down!
02:15:39.000
There was not a lot of action, but that was his response.
02:15:41.000
That was him going, shut up, I'll do my own thing.
02:16:16.000
Gump was great, but it was no fucking Pulp Fiction.
02:16:35.000
Gump's fucking, his drill instructor would be like, Gump, why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Private Gump?
02:16:44.000
Jesus Christ, you must have an IQ of 160. You are gonna be a goddamn general someday!
02:17:22.000
Gump's soundtrack was literally the quintessential American...
02:17:30.000
But both Pulp Fiction was like, we're having bands you've never remembered.
02:17:51.000
If you've never heard that song, they're like, what is this?
02:17:58.000
He's rediscovering old bands that were like the son of a preacher man.
02:18:01.000
Where you're like, I don't even remember this song.
02:18:07.000
Forrest Gump was mainstream, which is like, here are the biggest hits of each year.
02:18:14.000
That's the problem with arguments of who's bigger.
02:18:33.000
It's not really in competition with Pulp Fiction, nor should it be.
02:18:40.000
But to sit here and say Pulp Fiction should've won is crazy.
02:19:00.000
In the face of evidence that shows that Forrest Gump is a superior product, according to the marketplace, Ari Shaffir rejects this.
02:19:10.000
Dude, obviously Pulp Fiction was a cooler movie.
02:19:23.000
I should have never heard of anyone say the Forrest Gump soundtrack was awesome.
02:19:50.000
Buffalo Spring, The Doors, Garfunks, get out of here!
02:20:22.000
Put your headphones on so we don't talk over each other.
02:20:27.000
Everybody pauses when other people start talking because we have headphones on.
02:21:16.000
It might be like late 80s now that I think about it.
02:21:18.000
I'm like 85, 86. It's a movie about a wrestler.
02:21:40.000
Oh, that's the one where Homeboy, the handsome fella.
02:21:48.000
Oh, bro, fucking the pro wrestling world is mostly sad at the end.
02:21:59.000
By the way, all those open mic, high school gym wrestling matches, that's part of your ticket that you get punched for CTE. You got that right.
02:22:20.000
I was confusing you with the Man with the Iron Fist.
02:23:14.000
Isn't the Jizzle like a master level chess player?
02:23:33.000
Yeah, remember we played a whole Freebird on here.
02:24:00.000
We need some uncopywritten versions of this song.
02:24:17.000
I loved, my favorite one was Connor's, when Connor does, when he was talking about you, when, uh...
02:24:40.000
If someone lands an illegal knee, I have to let the audience know it's illegal.
02:25:18.000
I think not only should it be legal, I think all knees on the ground should be legal, 100%.
02:25:23.000
I think knees to a grounded opponent to the head should be legal.
02:25:28.000
It's the only problem because you can't move your head out of the way.
02:25:31.000
If someone's got your head pinned against the cage and they knee you in the face, that's disastrous.
02:25:36.000
But every other place, I feel like you should be able to knee somebody in the head.
02:25:41.000
It would stop people hanging out in the turtle position.
02:25:50.000
If you're on your back and a guy's on top of you, you can knee him in the head.
02:25:55.000
There's a significant advantage of being on top.
02:25:58.000
But you should also be able to knee him in the head if you're on top.
02:26:05.000
There's no chance he was on top throwing knees during the Khabib.
02:26:15.000
So if a guy's grounded, he's on top of you, inside control, right?
02:26:20.000
If you lift your knee up, you can just slam his knee from here.
02:26:26.000
You can't throw a knee or a kick to a grounded opponent in the face.
02:27:04.000
When did Pride become automatically associated with gay?
02:27:20.000
If you say you had Pride, though, you would say you had Pride in America.
02:28:04.000
Gates didn't even have the fucking manhood to defend themselves.
02:28:16.000
Yeah, but that's when they started calling it Gay Pride.
02:28:31.000
Oh, Martin Luther King took a day off one of the rally campaigns.
02:28:34.000
And this guy was like waiting for the opportunity.
02:29:06.000
I wish we had Fred Hampton give a speech, dude.
02:29:16.000
Did you ever see this deleted scene from Forrest Gump since we were just talking about that?
02:29:22.000
It's Forrest Gump was hanging out with Martin Luther King?
02:29:25.000
Yeah, they had to get rid of this scene, but it's good.
02:29:35.000
You see, he comes over, all the dogs are trying to attack him, and he, like, gets a stick, and he throws it.
02:29:54.000
Oh, he would have had zero chance staying alive.
02:30:03.000
I think even back then they were like, we gotta cut that.
02:30:08.000
All they had to do was toss the stick back and civil rights would have been accomplished.
02:30:11.000
I'm willing to buy that he's awesome at ping pong.
02:30:21.000
You can't tell me that no one from the African-American community could have figured that out.
02:30:58.000
That balding old man who has zero chance at pussy can't pants kids.
02:31:16.000
The odds of a woman choosing that guy over anybody are very small.
02:31:32.000
A crazy person as hard as a rock while he's tormenting a child.
02:31:38.000
This is a fucking creep with two terabytes of kiddie porn on his fucking hard drive.
02:31:48.000
That was originally people looking at AI child porn.
02:31:55.000
The real guy is, you know, it's an actor, it's a movie, it's a different time.
02:31:59.000
Yeah, that was 92. But if that was a real human that was alone with a little kid and that's your move?
02:32:06.000
Not like tell this little, hey Bobby, wanna know what I do for a living?
02:32:12.000
That's some fucking creepy dude he got stuck with.
02:32:15.000
You get stuck with this fucking 50-year-old incel who wants to pants you and then go jerk off to his Discord server.
02:32:26.000
That guy's a straight-up psycho tormenting a young child who is so vulnerable.
02:32:38.000
You'd get a knife, and the next time he pantsed me, I'm going to take him.
02:32:42.000
That fucking guy would do a fish in that canoe trip.
02:33:39.000
You won't look at the Black Power speech, but you won't look at the fucking Jew tunnels!
02:33:48.000
Yeah, you could be like, that's AI. I don't know why the acidic Jewish community literally won't just make a statement.
02:33:55.000
Well, the Jewish communities aren't responsible for, like, one psycho who made a tunnel.
02:34:05.000
Dude, there's so many towns you guys don't even know about.
02:34:12.000
Hey, now that we're talking about the Jews, how much do you guys control the weather for real?
02:34:19.000
Well, couldn't you help the forest fires in L.A.? You can't go from like 85 to like 60. If it's 78, you can go to 82. All right.
02:34:39.000
Was it you guys or was it the CIA? Who burnt the fucking chemicals and made the fucking sky orange?
02:34:49.000
These are the type of conspiracies that distract.
02:34:52.000
Air quality similar to Bay Area's 2020 orange sky.
02:34:59.000
It's super similar to when the Bay Area had fires right next door where you could see the fucking flames and it turned the sky orange.
02:35:06.000
Super similar to a place where the fire is thousands of miles away.
02:35:14.000
Super fucking similar to the flames that caused the gray to look red.
02:35:32.000
I thought they were talking about the sky color.
02:35:40.000
I think these types of theories distract from when we sit around and talk about controlling the weather and stuff, it distracts from actual what you guys are, you know.
02:36:15.000
Oh, the description in this post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery, which was reported to police by synagogue officials.
02:36:29.000
You don't want to believe in a fucking realistic explanation.
02:36:51.000
The description in this post paints a false picture of the tunnel discovery, which was reported to police by synagogue officials.
02:37:07.000
People saw Jews coming out of the ground, and they were like, hey!
02:37:17.000
City officials said there was one tunnel, not a series of tunnels.
02:37:33.000
It was adjacent to the synagogue, not under it.
02:37:40.000
Mattresses shown in the viral video came from behind wood paneling inside the synagogue, not from the tunnel.
02:37:48.000
It's amazing how everybody wants to go to underage sex trafficking.
02:38:03.000
What house was the tunnel for, you fucking dumbass?
02:38:23.000
Who gives a fuck if it was 12 feet to the left?
02:38:26.000
So it's in the synagogue, but it's not in a tunnel that's under the synagogue?
02:38:57.000
It says an unverified video shows what appears to be a high chair.
02:39:05.000
And it was located amid trash, clutter and dirt in a basement room, not in a tunnel.
02:39:20.000
That was in the other shit that we discovered when we figured out we had a tunnel.
02:39:25.000
Someone else might need a high chair in two weeks.
02:39:36.000
Oh, confrontation began over an attempt to fill in the tunnel.
02:39:41.000
Why would you fill it in once it's already built?
02:39:48.000
But you're allowed to have a basement, you can't have a tunnel.
02:39:55.000
The best of the guy was like, I heard everybody complain.
02:40:09.000
Shane Gillis, when you think about the architecture of my club.
02:40:13.000
When you go inside and you go downstairs, you're under everything.
02:40:26.000
The thing with the guy saying I heard Jews was not real?
02:40:30.000
I'm going to put a stained mattress in the tunnel so you can see it when you get up to the stage.
02:40:41.000
They were throwing it out, you fucking QAnon people!
02:40:44.000
Yeah, they were throwing it out by leaving it out.
02:40:47.000
Duffed into a dark corner of their fucking building.
02:40:53.000
Eventually, when I get done fucking people on this mattress.
02:40:57.000
They're like, well, somebody, we should find somebody who could use it.
02:41:21.000
They threw out a high chair and everyone's like, underage sex trafficking.
02:41:35.000
I mean, how do you feel about the Jew hate right now?
02:41:39.000
If you go to Palestine, you will 100% fucking see it.
02:41:43.000
If I went to a very specific region of the world, yes, I might be.
02:41:49.000
But I'm in New York and all over the country and really the world, and I've never seen any.
02:41:54.000
I've not been all over the world since October 7th.
02:41:57.000
I've never seen a single thing in my real life, so I think you've got to shut your computers off and live your fucking life.
02:42:02.000
But isn't it what we talked about, about reading comments?
02:42:06.000
They're shoving the worst shit in front of you all the time.
02:42:12.000
If there was any fucking antisemitism, statistically realistic, it would come to me.
02:42:18.000
I want to send you as a correspondent for the JRE to go to the Free Palestine protests.
02:42:36.000
You're talking about Jew, you're a Jew, Jew face, super Jewish guy.
02:42:48.000
Me and his friend Dave Marshall had the same thing.
02:42:50.000
Just imagine all these terrible things happening.
02:42:52.000
When day-to-day life, 99.9% is fun, everyone just enjoying the weather at the same time.
02:43:01.000
It's just like, oh, I'm in fear of all this stuff happening.
02:43:07.000
But if you're in the south side of Chicago where violent crime and murder is higher than it is in Afghanistan at the peak of the invasion, then that's not real.
02:43:17.000
So what you're saying, imagine this terrible place.
02:43:21.000
But I'm just saying, if you make a blanket statement that everybody's life is...
02:43:26.000
Less terrible than what you're seeing in the media.
02:43:32.000
If you just shut off your computer, you wouldn't see any anti-black hatred, anti-anti-Jewish, none of it.
02:43:41.000
If you're talking about hatred, yes, that's true.
02:43:43.000
You can go find it in small things on college campuses on a day.
02:43:47.000
And wouldn't we all agree that most hatred is rooted in you just don't know that person?
02:44:05.000
Bud Light coming out of an eagle's asshole is even better than regular Bud Light.
02:44:18.000
Damn, we're not even allowed to show that cool America's number one video that we always share in the group chat?
02:44:29.000
I think the fact that we can say shit online, but you don't get any repercussions has added a lot.
02:44:44.000
I'm saying in general, you can say shit online, you say mean shit, and you'll never have a repercussion.
02:45:11.000
And it's also if you have fucking social media, you have this ability to fucking isolate groups of people or attack groups of people.
02:45:19.000
In the real world, most people get along if there's communication.
02:45:25.000
If you're cool in this communication, everybody's cool.
02:46:14.000
We just talked about Scotland trying to arrest comedians.
02:46:22.000
We didn't talk about that fucking guy in Belgium.
02:46:24.000
Jamie, show the memes so these guys could see the shit that this guy was sharing.
02:46:32.000
They didn't even come close to the memes we share.
02:46:41.000
You can keep shitting on America when everybody's trying to move things.
02:47:08.000
Well, how about the, I'm going to leave if this guy wins.
02:47:17.000
Maybe this time they'll go to Canada where it's a thousand times worse.
02:47:22.000
How would you like to live in Minnesota if it was fucking gayer?
02:47:54.000
We've been trashing Canada because of how gay Trudeau is, but Canada does fucking rock.
02:48:05.000
He's pissing in Bud Light Canada's dirty bitch.
02:48:09.000
Make this part of your new campaign where I piss in bottles.
02:48:12.000
Try to ruin my campaign, you little nasty motherfuckers.
02:48:40.000
If you bring up Trudeau, though, they go apeshit.
02:48:46.000
Everywhere I go, if I go to Canada, I'm like, fuck Trudeau.
02:49:03.000
That's why they're so subject to this bullshit.
02:49:25.000
I might be dumb and wrong, but those are one of those countries that, like, the UK, like, when they go to war, which they always do, they always call on the bros.
02:49:36.000
Canada, Australia, all the dominions that are just like settler white people.
02:49:41.000
We've been making money for you all these years.
02:49:43.000
When they call on Australia and Canada to go to war, they go to war, dude, and they go hard.
02:49:59.000
Canada has a fantastic history of combat sports athletes.
02:50:19.000
There was a guy in the 1980s, there was a French-Canadian named Jean-Nives Theriault.
02:50:59.000
Every kickboxer's book that anybody ever wrote, I read.
02:51:03.000
I did sit-ups, and then I kicked that guy in the fucking head.
02:51:07.000
That would be a dumb fat dude's interpretation of what a world-class combat sport athlete would tell you what to do.
02:51:27.000
You're reading fucking retard camouflage books.
02:51:30.000
I haven't read these books since I was like 21. You're forced to.
02:51:36.000
The same reason I got this stupid tattoo on my right arm of Miyamoto Musashi.
02:51:42.000
If this didn't work out, you would have been the dumbest motherfucker of all time.
02:51:55.000
If you can read about a dude who's figured out how to fuck people up with his feet.
02:52:00.000
He just kicked people in the face for a living.
02:52:27.000
When I was kickboxing, this was the guy I was trying to be.
02:52:33.000
You gotta understand, there was no money back then.
02:52:47.000
And one of the things that he said was that he increased his kicking power substantially by running stairs.
02:52:55.000
I read this dude's book when I was like 15, 16 years old.
02:53:04.000
You gotta understand, this guy's record was just littered with chaos.
02:53:25.000
Nobody had figured out Thai boxing yet because the Thais had not come to America yet.
02:54:00.000
Listen, I want you to Google Don the Dragon Wilson versus...
02:54:18.000
What I could have gotten is serious brain damage.
02:54:21.000
This is Don the Dragon Wilson versus Dennis Alexio.
02:54:29.000
So Don the Dragon Wilson is like a legend in kickboxing.
02:54:43.000
And Dennis Alexio, who was a fucking assassin, but he didn't understand leg kicks as well as Don did.
02:54:51.000
See, Don just kicked his fucking legs out from under him.
02:54:55.000
He was actually in one of those Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.
02:55:00.000
He was like his brother that got killed by Tong Poe.
02:55:08.000
So this was like a really important fight because it was one of the first fights between kickboxes.
02:55:15.000
And by the way, Don the Dragon Wilson, as good as he was, was not a tie.
02:55:19.000
He wasn't like a real expert or a Dutch guy like Ernesto Hoost or any of the greats.
02:55:26.000
There were so many great guys that came out of Holland.
02:55:28.000
He was a guy that was like an American guy who learned how to do leg kicks and started fucking people up with them when they allowed them.
02:55:36.000
Were the Dutch nasty at it because they colonized Southeast Asia?
02:55:43.000
Yeah, but was it because they colonized Southeast Asia?
02:55:46.000
I don't know, man, but there's so many great guys.
02:55:49.000
Listen, man, there's Rob Kamen, who's one of the greatest of all times, Ernesto Hoos, Peter Ertz, Bas Rutten, there's so many guys.
02:55:58.000
Do you think the possible Dutch brought it to Southeast Asia?
02:56:06.000
When World War II popped off, it was Japan attacking Dutch colonies to get the rubber in Southeast Asia.
02:56:14.000
Yeah, that's why the Dutch were always down there.
02:56:21.000
That's why they're good at kickboxing is because they colonized Southeast Asia.
02:56:24.000
The Dutch are the best colonizers because once they had everything, they're like, you guys can take it back.
02:56:29.000
With certain countries, they're like, go ahead, we're done.
02:56:41.000
Dutch kickboxing roots can be traced back to the 1970s.
02:56:45.000
Dutchmen traveling to Japan learned Japanese kickboxing, which blended elements of Kyokushin karate and Muay Thai over the next 50 years.
02:57:11.000
There was an article written, why are there no black people on Shogun?
02:57:14.000
And people were like, it's because it's about Japan.
02:57:22.000
You're fucking swinging every virtue flag you have.
02:58:07.000
And I had a problem with people who had a problem with it.
02:58:21.000
Okay, I haven't gotten to that episode yet, you son of a bitch.
02:58:51.000
Sons of Anarchy would be awesome if it was on HBO. If they got to go gangster.
02:59:04.000
It opens up with him executing a stalker and then fucking her while he's bleeding out.
02:59:16.000
Went to Ireland and it was like, what are we doing here?
02:59:23.000
Did you ever read Hunter S. Thompson's book, Hells Angels?
02:59:30.000
I had read chapters of it, but I never liked it.
02:59:43.000
We have a million dollars that they can get us some beer.
03:00:22.000
The one time you took me to one fight, and I was standing there, and Cameron Simons won a fight.
03:00:32.000
He just beat the fuck out of the guy, and then he stood up and like ran over to where I was sitting.
03:00:41.000
And I was like, I'm sitting there holding a beer like, no way!
03:00:53.000
You know how many times I've been with Theo and Dustin Poirier fights?
03:00:58.000
Dustin Poirier and Theo are homies and they'll like fucking point at Theo after he wins.
03:01:04.000
How about when Dustin Poirier said at the last UFC, I missed it, I missed it, because I'm just trying to get the most out of him in an interview.
03:01:18.000
He literally said it, and it sounded like William Montgomery, but my brain did not register it.
03:01:23.000
He and William Montgomery have been doing DMs back and forth.
03:01:37.000
My thoughts on that fight going in was that that dude is a dangerous grappler.
03:01:52.000
And in stand up, you can't bridge that gap that quickly.
03:01:58.000
He's been doing stand-ups since he was a little kid.
03:02:08.000
You get into the second, third, fourth, and fifth rounds, you start making fundamental, like, tactical mistakes.
03:02:13.000
That's when conditioning and just knowing what the fuck you're doing takes over.
03:02:18.000
And those guys with high-level experience, they've been in hell.
03:02:25.000
I love Poirier, but Gagey, my favorite fighter.
03:02:37.000
Those guys can fight ten times, and they might be five and five.
03:02:41.000
I love both of them, but I think Gagey's my favorite fighter.
03:03:19.000
You're going to fucking do comedy for communists?
03:03:38.000
Yeah, the UFC is tough because they're all cool.
03:03:54.000
You can't like them personally because they're going to get hit at least once.
03:04:01.000
It's not like a football player where you're like, ah, you got beat on that play.
03:04:11.000
Last time I saw him, I was like, could you come please meet my friends?
03:04:31.000
And it's hard when you're doing commentary on two people you love.
03:04:33.000
And when one dude is just piecing the other dude up.
03:04:41.000
Yeah, and in the end, that's what Jason Perl was calling for the whole time.
03:04:47.000
And he hit him with a shot to the body and really hurt him.
03:04:58.000
But he also, Cheeto put on a clinic, a chin clinic.
03:05:07.000
That fucking, that knee to the face had him looking at his ankles.
03:05:37.000
I've never seen B.J. Penn coming up to you at the weigh-ins and be like, um...
03:05:43.000
You ever see that fucking camouflage jacket that I wear, like puffy camouflage jacket?
03:05:52.000
I go, bro, that is the dopest jacket I've ever seen.
03:06:02.000
Yo, I wish they didn't fight and beat the fuck out of each other, but that's just how it has to go.
03:06:08.000
And at the end of the day, you've got to admire what Sugar Sean did.
03:06:24.000
The first time I met Sugar Sean, it was a fight you brought me to.
03:06:27.000
I was in the back and he was like, I was like, hi, I'm Shane.
03:06:37.000
Fighters are some of the coolest fucking people you'll ever meet.
03:06:40.000
We went to the fight in Atlanta, this was years ago, with Santino, and Theo was there.
03:06:47.000
Theo was huge in the UFC world, and then Poirier hugged him.
03:06:53.000
Well, people in the UFC world, first of all, it's like real similar thinking ones.
03:07:01.000
Bro, I can't tell you how many bros come up to me like, when's the next one, bro?
03:07:06.000
And they go like, in this last week, like, when's the next one?
03:07:13.000
Because in this culture, it's weird for dudes to just get together and just be dudes.
03:07:58.000
You could laugh out at a lot of dumb shit from where you should imagine it was a queen gay.
03:08:01.000
If they weren't girls, he'd be like, oh my god.
03:08:17.000
I don't know what fucking sample group you're...
03:08:41.000
Imagine if all of a sudden you got transported into a girl's body with a dude's mind, but a girl's needs, so you need to get filled.
03:08:54.000
And you're so straight, but you want cock so bad.
03:08:58.000
It's like, I'm not thirsty, but I need to drink.
03:09:03.000
Well, if you're a dude trapped in a girl's body.
03:09:08.000
Being a lady who gets filled is like, what are we doing after?
03:09:13.000
If they ever get to a point where it's genetic engineering, Where you can literally become a woman and then go right back to being a dude.
03:09:20.000
It's just a matter of going through a procedure.
03:09:24.000
Would you be willing to do it for a couple of days just to see what it feels like?
03:09:44.000
Wanting the life experience is gayer than having gay sex.
03:09:47.000
Just to see what it's like to live like a bird?
03:09:53.000
I want to see what it's like to have everyone looking at me for a minute.
03:09:58.000
Well, you know how they actually feel pretty good.
03:10:03.000
You know how they have compulsory military service in South Korea and Israel?
03:10:19.000
It seems nice to have multiple orgasms and getting double-stuffed.
03:10:30.000
Being afraid to drink things that people give you.
03:10:38.000
Wanting to experience being a woman out of some type of fucking gay ass sympathy of like...
03:11:02.000
But you're going to have to give up that fucking bussy.
03:11:11.000
You remember that dude that had that fucking video where he was talking about what he did to dudes in jail?
03:11:38.000
Damn, they really knocked a gay right in on them.
03:11:45.000
God, it's so funny making fun of guys who have been assaulted.
03:11:57.000
How many prison rapes do people get in trouble for?
03:12:02.000
Yeah, that was a very intense video, and making fun of guys that get assaulted in prison does suck.
03:12:10.000
How many guys really think your asshole's a pussy, and what's wrong with them?
03:12:19.000
Not a dude with a fucking bandana around his head.
03:12:44.000
Eatin' ass has gone up tenfold since I was a kid.
03:12:47.000
They had that scene where she bent over the one hot chicken girls and the guy was eating her out.
03:12:59.000
That's what gave the girls writers the fucking idea.
03:13:05.000
He watched girls pretending if he had to whisper.
03:13:37.000
You guys are sitting back home in gay-ass Brooklyn watching fucking girls.
03:13:40.000
We watch prairie dogs get assassinated on YouTube.
03:13:45.000
You have prairie dogs that shoot them with.50 calibers.
03:13:49.000
When a fucking beautiful, beautiful horse steps in a prairie dog hole and snaps its leg and you gotta shoot it in the face.
03:14:05.000
A beautiful cow that could provide you with many rib bites.
03:14:09.000
Don't they send dogs out in the Middle East to run over landmines?
03:14:50.000
They just get rid of them because they fuck up the cows.
03:15:07.000
Meanwhile, why is that okay but that's not okay?
03:15:27.000
What's the difference between a possum and an opossum?
03:15:45.000
See if you can get some zebras running across a minefield.
03:15:50.000
Yeah, just unleash Jamie into the darkest stuff.
03:15:53.000
Wait till you see these guys clearing out minefields with just animals they found.
03:16:24.000
It has nothing to do with zebras crossing a minefield.
03:16:30.000
You gotta sit there and go, what the fuck does that mean?
03:16:35.000
Hey, have we shamed you out of using the stack of notes?
03:16:50.000
But the amount of shit I get on the road for this thing.
03:17:11.000
Alright, because that top one is all my new shit.
03:17:17.000
This is like right up there with the writing in the movie 7. In fairness, he's always got new.
03:17:57.000
Every time you go on, I go, I gotta see what he's got.
03:18:27.000
Dude, if you do mass murder, these notes are going to be evidence.
03:18:34.000
If you ever try to apply for a visa to another country, they're going to go, let me see the notes.
03:19:29.000
He just put out a special, and he's got a new 40-something.
03:19:56.000
I think he went to the acting road and all this shit, maybe, and then...
03:20:16.000
Yeah, but it's it's a weird process and you just gotta like kind of just keep grinding.
03:20:20.000
Well, I think you gotta put it on the internet.
03:20:21.000
Like you put a YouTube special out and everybody's like, oh, he's a Jew.
03:20:25.000
When Ari with Jew, when that popped out, everybody's like, oh, okay.
03:20:39.000
Well, it's kind of nice because there's so much YouTube shit and the cream rises.
03:20:56.000
But when you get to that soda level, you go, yeah, this guy's fucking super legit.
03:21:21.000
And he opened the podcast with a Cat Williams impression.
03:21:27.000
And then you're like, I can write a joke, but I can't do any of these.
03:21:30.000
So he can do the impressions and the impressions.
03:21:32.000
He's thinking about drones are only fun in the United States.
03:21:53.000
Then you got my favorite comedian doing a new special.
03:22:02.000
There's so much stuff that's available to see now.
03:22:07.000
They're like, hey, that went on Patreon, you fucking cum guzzler.
03:22:16.000
The overall thing is like, wow, what a fun time to be a comedy fan.
03:22:21.000
If I was a kid like I was when I was listening to Richard Pryor tapes from my girlfriend when I was like 16. Everybody loved that shit.
03:22:28.000
All the ideas like, oh, college kids or whatever.
03:22:34.000
We have a Dave Attell special coming out in a week.
03:22:55.000
Putting Soder in the top 20 underrated comics is...
03:23:01.000
I'm saying no matter what the argument is, he's in there.
03:23:11.000
When I say top 20, I mean it goes, don't even talk about it anymore.
03:23:18.000
I think he's trying to cover up for his bullshit.
03:23:20.000
No, I'm saying when you talk about Louis, you're like, top 20 of all time.
03:23:23.000
It doesn't matter what kind of comedy you're into.
03:23:29.000
The problem is, dudes are so gross, we have to argue even though shit we agree on.
03:23:48.000
Can we just not argue like a bunch of fucking queens?
03:23:56.000
You guys are a bad neighborhood back alley queens with knee scabs arguing over stupid shit.
03:24:35.000
The most wins versus whatever dominate his division.
03:25:23.000
His stats, his highlight reels are fucking crazy.
03:26:03.000
You know what he does, which is actually really impressive?
03:26:06.000
Is whenever he is wrong, he goes, wow, I never...
03:26:23.000
Or you're just not willing to see greatness because you hate black people.
03:26:34.000
What's your guys' favorite shit in America right now, dude?
03:26:39.000
Now we're all sitting around going, yeah, what's the best stuff?
03:26:43.000
Whenever there's a bunch of people telling you what you can say and what you can do.
03:26:51.000
There's always the coolest thing is the people that go, no.
03:26:57.000
And that's like the punk rockers of today, the people that are rebelling against this bizarre system that even like the artists have somehow or another accepted as being the right thing to think and believe and trust.
03:27:11.000
Go along with, even though you know you're in a fucking cult.
03:27:14.000
And the people that are resisting that, knowing you're going to get labeled a fascist or a Nazi, just because you see what the fuck is going on, people are out of your mind.
03:27:26.000
Those people are the coolest thing about America.
03:27:29.000
Because this is one of the rare places on earth where you could still do that for now without being prosecuted.
03:27:35.000
But why do we blow the people who complain the most?
03:27:46.000
If you don't pay attention to that, it goes away, like radio.
03:27:49.000
I know, but when Elvis was shaking his hips, they're like, can you believe it?
03:28:03.000
It's funny when you see somebody going, this guy, Jordan missed three shots today.
03:28:13.000
If you're all running from wolves, not everybody's going to make it.
03:28:17.000
There's going to be a bunch of people that get taken out.
03:28:21.000
It feels like a weird stance to take, like, I'm upset about this, I'm gonna complain about that, and you're like, this is your lot life?
03:28:28.000
Of course, but you're concentrating on the musings of more.
03:28:45.000
You said comedy is awesome right now because it's dangerous.
03:28:48.000
People get so mad and everyone laughs at them walking out angry.
03:29:04.000
If they didn't fire me, I would have never hosted that motherfucker.
03:29:12.000
People we know are angry about stuff that's cool.
03:29:19.000
People we know, comedians, are like, can you believe you said this and said that?
03:29:24.000
I have filtered all those people out of my life.
03:29:29.000
You gotta figure out how to change conversations.
03:29:31.000
That's legitimately what everyone has to do is as they talk, talk about that horrible shit, just be like, hey, great weather today, huh?
03:29:46.000
You gotta go, hey, did you see the new development in this?
03:30:03.000
I'm saying, everybody downs you with fucking conversation.
03:30:10.000
I'll go, hey, you see the genocide going on in Gaza?
03:30:13.000
No, but dude, there's a hike up there that is so fucking good.
03:30:27.000
There's no doubt if they see you in the crosshairs.
03:30:31.000
As soon as I got back from me, everyone was like, oh, there's a genocide going on there.
03:30:52.000
You guys ruined fucking conversation with talking about genocide.
03:31:02.000
Let's just ignore all the horrific things that are happening.
03:31:04.000
Well, let's focus on the genocide a little bit.
03:31:08.000
I think we should focus on the genocide slightly and then have fun once we figure that out.
03:31:16.000
How many of the multiple genocides going on right now do you want to focus on?
03:31:23.000
Should we take a break from having a good time with bros and be like, let's focus on genocide?
03:31:27.000
You ever in a bar where somebody brings up a fucking genocide?
03:31:32.000
What I'm saying is, you gotta have a tool ready to go, change the conversation away from fucking dumb shit like genocide and horrible shit like politics and have it come back to some, hey, did you see this new movie?
03:31:44.000
I'm talking about people annoyed by a word or a joke.
03:31:49.000
When it comes up, you're like, let's shift this conversation.
03:32:04.000
I'm saying, in real life, don't you think you should have a tool to steer a conversation away from the dogs, anger-inducing stuff?
03:32:11.000
So I'm saying, as a society, we've got to start having these conversations.
03:32:15.000
As soon as politics, religion, genocide, any of this dumb shit comes up...
03:32:21.000
The negative shit was like, guys, what are we doing?
03:32:38.000
God, you hear both sides of this stuff get so fucking downery.
03:32:45.000
Look, I'm not worried about comics that are, like, actually righteous and have, like, a good point.
03:33:05.000
Any time you see somebody start to post a lot about politics, their art goes.
03:33:10.000
Especially if you're talking about hardcore Democrat politics or other comedians.
03:33:17.000
They'll get mad even if it's a joke, but they'll try to ruin your life.
03:33:20.000
You see people, that's all they talk about, and it becomes like, ugh, you're just not doing jokes.
03:33:24.000
You're focusing on external things because you're not happy with the way you're being received.
03:33:30.000
Yeah, or it's making you not just write a joke.
03:33:33.000
I was going to do a joke about it, but Jimmy Carr did it.
03:33:36.000
And it's how, like, if you go on stage and you're like, for real, I didn't mean that.
03:33:43.000
But it's like, you'll not believe my apology, but you'll believe the joke.
03:34:05.000
If they get you to complain about it, you lost too.
03:34:10.000
You do to a certain extent, but sometimes you can make things seem as foolish as they actually are.
03:34:16.000
And if someone else isn't doing it, maybe you should.
03:34:20.000
At a certain point, with some arguments, it really depends on how much energy you want to invest in it.
03:34:26.000
Whether or not you recognize whatever energy you put out on this thing is coming back at you, like times a hundred.
03:34:33.000
So you have to figure out what you want to engage with and what you don't.
03:34:39.000
It's confusing because you're not a fucking idiot.
03:34:42.000
If you were a fucking idiot, you'd be diving right in.
03:34:53.000
It is fun to see a comic shitting on another comic, and you look down at the timestamp, and it's like 2.48 a.m., and you're like, all right, you're just drunk.
03:34:59.000
You should be DMing a slut, but you're doing this instead.
03:35:03.000
You went down a YouTube rabbit hole, and we're all going to die one day.
03:35:06.000
Daddy's only half sold, and it's Friday night, and you have 150,000 Twitter followers.
03:35:20.000
Isn't there so much awesome shit to pay attention to?
03:35:24.000
But the thing is, if people suck in your industry and they're doing better than you, you just have to understand, someone disagrees with you.
03:35:32.000
All these people that are going to see that guy, they disagree with you.
03:35:41.000
How you are being seen by people other than you.
03:35:44.000
Also, you're on the side of everyone's having a good time?
03:35:50.000
You decide that everyone having a good time is bad?
03:35:54.000
They're bad because they don't love your stance.
03:35:56.000
Not walking out, let me go fucking do something else.
03:36:05.000
Because we're getting back into the funny stuff.
03:36:28.000
The people who get Saturday Night Live for the shortest amount of time possible.
03:36:31.000
And anyone who could be good, they'd be like, here it is.
03:36:34.000
And now it's like, here's a bunch of checkboxes.
03:36:55.000
And it's, by the way, the most diverse company.
03:37:04.000
It's when they don't hold lines when they don't book.
03:37:08.000
Ari, you're concentrating on comedy clubs and festivals the same way idiots comment on comedy.
03:37:19.000
You've seen clubs go from, like, great bookers to, like, suddenly, like, oh, what happened here?
03:37:26.000
But, yeah, but I'm telling you it's not easy to do.
03:37:29.000
You have to have extraordinary resources to hold the line.
03:37:33.000
That's the reason, because you have to have money to say, fuck you.
03:37:39.000
He used to have a list of people that would show the lineups to only one woman or less on the lineups.
03:37:44.000
And he's like, well, he didn't show yesterday's when there was four women.
03:37:47.000
And he'll look back and go, I just, I wish I would have just been funny.
03:37:52.000
He's getting pressure from people that own the club who are getting pressure from other outside sources.
03:38:06.000
You've got to be willing to let it all fall apart.
03:38:09.000
If you have a business, and this is the only way you make money, and you have 50 employees, and all of them are dependent upon you to keep the doors open.
03:38:17.000
If you have an email campaign or some kind of crazy campaign or protest or something, you run the risk of losing money, and you get scared.
03:38:27.000
Most comedy clubs make a little bit more money than it takes to run the place.
03:38:38.000
So in order to do- So you're saying that Seattle place should ban those people because it's not holding a line?
03:38:46.000
I'm saying hold the line, book funny people, and don't worry about them because they're not real people.
03:38:55.000
You're concentrating on the few that can't or don't or aren't cowards.
03:38:58.000
No, I'm saying hold the line when you have a good club that books good comics.
03:39:02.000
And then suddenly they don't hold the line and you're like, oh, you're just booking people who sell tickets.
03:39:06.000
Well, the craziest non-holding the line is the Canadian place that banned Dave, Louis, and who else?
03:39:29.000
They're not just like, we're just going to make fun of you.
03:39:32.000
But they don't understand that they just Bud Lighted themselves.
03:39:46.000
That's what happened to Google when they released that fucking Gemini AI that showed the Founding Fathers as being all black people and all the Nazis were diverse.
03:39:56.000
The whole line, just do what's good and don't fall prey to that.
03:40:03.000
I'm just telling you that comedy club owners, for the most part, are barely making it.
03:40:08.000
They're doing okay, and they have maniacs working for them.
03:40:11.000
I have to fucking count on a guy like you, showing up, you're dropping bathtub acid you got from some dude in the parking lot on Friday night.
03:40:19.000
I'm telling these comedy clubs, if you actually do want to make a living, don't fall prey to what the fucking bloggers are saying.
03:40:28.000
As a club, when you get a world of shit online, it's scary.
03:40:35.000
Just book the great comics, and we'll keep coming out in droves.
03:40:38.000
If they have good social media and good marketing, that's possible.
03:40:41.000
But if they fucked up and they went all Ice House, and they don't have- Yeah, then it sucks.
03:40:48.000
Well, the Ice House never was good at booking the show.
03:40:50.000
I say Ice House not in reference to the new Ice House, but with the old one.
03:40:54.000
The old one was like one of the greatest clubs of all time, but like, on so many nights, it'd be like just the worst comedy there.
03:41:03.000
You know, because they didn't have anybody that was booking it correctly.
03:41:05.000
And then you could come in and you could do shows there and it'd be amazing!
03:41:09.000
You could book your own shows, put it on your Twitter, it would be amazing!
03:41:13.000
But then you come the next night when you didn't do that, you're like, what the fuck is going on here?
03:41:17.000
Because they didn't establish the right social media presence.
03:41:25.000
But look what happens to a JFL who doesn't hold it.
03:41:28.000
We'll just book what we think you guys will want.
03:41:30.000
And then it's like, actually nobody really wants that in terms of ticket buyers.
03:41:44.000
Just for Laughs was always in bed with Hollywood.
03:41:46.000
And it never figured out how to disconnect itself even after Hollywood wasn't valid anymore.
03:41:51.000
It should have been just like, this is the best comics that we know of that are alive right now.
03:42:22.000
There's always like, it's Tim, Bill, and Shane on Sunday.
03:42:28.000
One day, when you get to me, you can bail, bud.
03:42:46.000
My agent pushed back every year and I'm like, I gotta go.
03:42:50.000
It's an important thing for comedy because it's a festival made by comics for comics.
03:43:09.000
You guys are fighting about stuff you actually agree with.
03:43:11.000
You're talking about gay ass shit, but I'm talking about important shit.
03:43:14.000
I don't give a fuck about some Seattle club that fired fucking Lewis.
03:43:41.000
It was a cold one and he's putting it down, dude.
03:44:00.000
Yeah, gays for Palestine and Palestine for gays.
03:44:14.000
A psychological operation designed to subvert the people's opinions about things.
03:44:28.000
One school, they found that 50-something percent of the kids identified as LBGTQ or non-binary.
03:44:50.000
Oh, he said, if it's all about equity and equality, why the fuck am I paying $150,000 for this college?
03:44:56.000
If it's all going to come out equal in the wash, what am I going to the school for?
03:45:02.000
Well, the thing is, we're entering into a world where AI is going to eliminate most jobs.
03:45:08.000
We have to realize that right now, if you're involved in computer programming, good luck, fuckface.
03:45:15.000
I know they told you you're supposed to major in this.
03:45:19.000
But by the way, you can learn from that and go on.
03:45:26.000
The one I got is Recording Arts, but it's bullshit.
03:45:34.000
Became the number one podcast producer in the world.
03:45:49.000
Jamie, how come you don't come to my house anymore?
03:46:16.000
Shut the fuck up and suck on this eagles asshole.
03:46:28.000
That's my favorite thing that you call me fatty.
03:46:40.000
You said it after my Conan, you're like, good job fatty.
03:46:46.000
So when you call me fatty, I'm like, that one doesn't even register.
03:47:02.000
If there's anybody that loves you more than I do, they're related to you.
03:47:10.000
I actually love you, so I don't call you a tiny guy.
03:47:12.000
I only said it because it was important for trying to get a laugh.
03:47:15.000
No, you were reading a kickboxing book and you were gay.
03:47:33.000
Bro, you ever see those people that make beer, they make this fermented beverage, and the women spit into it?
03:47:40.000
He went to this place, and they made him drink this shit, and he's like, dude, this lady was spitting in it, and you have to drink it.
03:47:51.000
They spit into it, they bury it, they spit into it again, they give you a bucket, and you're like, how much should I drink?
03:48:09.000
I don't think you should have a podcast that's about anything other than everything.
03:48:27.000
It doesn't matter if it's fucking some AI dork.
03:48:38.000
The thing that always drove me crazy is like, you had to have these themes for every show, and I'm like, but it never stuck on theme when you and I get it.
03:48:45.000
The only time it never stuck on theme, you and I reviewed one of my comedy specials.
03:48:57.000
No, usually I did a first one, but that one, because I was on tour with you, was not that one.
03:49:14.000
But you had this thing where you would have guys review their comedy.
03:49:17.000
And I had not listened to it in fucking 20 years.
03:49:28.000
Like, instead of having this, like, one—this Ari Shafir sees the world.
03:49:39.000
But I'm saying there's lots of other stuff you can do, too.
03:49:51.000
Why don't we bring some equipment and we'll do it in Madrid?
03:50:03.000
But my point is, Ari, you can do all those things together.
03:50:11.000
I think you doing a travel one is alright, though.
03:50:25.000
Instead of having it all on a bunch of different podcasts, like, I like the travel one, but I don't like the music one, Put it all together.
03:51:10.000
Travel podcast, you've been tripping about now.
03:51:15.000
It's all under the umbrella of these guys doing shit.
03:51:24.000
No, one podcast with all those things connected.
03:51:28.000
We do different things like travel and eat food and do yoga.
03:51:40.000
But if you have it, if you call it Ari Shafir Seize the World, it's everything.
03:51:53.000
I don't want to subscribe to four different fucking podcasts.
03:52:24.000
I will say, I did your pod, and it's a good idea.
03:52:29.000
But it's all us talking about our bullshit travel.
03:52:51.000
When it comes to podcast advice, maybe you should listen to the guy who might have invented it.
03:53:01.000
You've been wrong every time you've ever suggested anything when it comes to podcasts.
03:53:07.000
I have one of the best early new podcasts in the world.
03:53:20.000
I think you got a little gay-ass Bourdain in you.
03:53:28.000
I think if you do the travel pod and you actually incorporate traveling into it, I think that would be wonderful.
03:54:43.000
I mean, I'm just trying to warn you with those blocks.
03:54:59.000
Even though I should not devote my time to a podcast, I am also doing a special.
03:55:06.000
We're both selling horribly in Tennessee, so come see us in Memphis and all that shit.
03:55:19.000
We both put one out, I don't know, I put one out in September.
03:55:44.000
But you gotta watch out if you interview fucking Ian Fidance about going to fucking eerie Pennsylvania.
03:55:52.000
But I will go to Spain with you and do it there instead.
03:56:01.000
I'm thinking as soon as I get done with this hour.
03:56:09.000
My real Chappelle Africa is I'm going to go live in Spain for...
03:56:16.000
You've never met a culture that doesn't give a fuck about anything.
03:56:20.000
Dude, 2 p.m., let's just drink and eat small foods.
03:56:59.000
He's shaped like a monkey, but it's still okay.
03:57:44.000
Well, you put out a, what do you call it, a cold tank video, and your dong was really popping.
03:57:59.000
First time we did the cold plunge, me and Matt, we had our podcast that week.
03:58:04.000
I was like, bro, I did the cold plunge with Joe.
03:58:10.000
And then when you have to get in next and he's standing next to you and his dong's just right like...
03:58:40.000
You see those girls that are allowed to breastfeed and pull their tits out because they have a fake baby?
03:58:51.000
They have a rubber baby and they pull all these big juicy tits and they stick them in the mouth of a rubber baby.
03:59:07.000
I don't recommend any of this behavior, but it is possible.
03:59:19.000
This is what I'm talking about when someone brings up politics.
03:59:22.000
But there's a giant difference between a dick and a pussy.
03:59:29.000
I licked it, but it took a lot of stretching and a lot of yoga and a lot of hours.
03:59:41.000
I watched a dude in a video that a friend sent me.
03:59:49.000
And he was like pumping into his own mouth and ejaculating.
03:59:54.000
And then he pumps into his own mouth again and ejaculates again.
04:00:11.000
He's the straightest gay guy that's ever existed.
04:00:27.000
I think he's a heterosexual, but if in 35 years he comes out as gay, we'd all be like, oh, I mean, yeah.
04:00:50.000
Tony has been killing it since the moment I met him, even when he wasn't doing well.
04:01:13.000
Tony, me and Theo, like two days ago I was with Theo and we were talking about Tony and it's so funny, we all do the same thing about Tony where we like, we make fun of him like, that show was, what I just did was unbelievable.
04:01:29.000
But we all make fun of him, and then we're all like, for real though, I love Tony.
04:01:38.000
But him, personally, every time I see him, I'm like, nice.
04:01:45.000
When he hosts Kill Tony, he is the best host of any show that has ever existed.
04:01:53.000
But even when you see him, I got Tucker Carlson to kill Tony last night.
04:02:08.000
I'm having dinner with Tucker Carlson and Lex Friedman.
04:02:11.000
And we're having steaks and having a good time.
04:02:20.000
He told me some wild shit that I can't wait to tell you.
04:02:28.000
I'm going to tell you some shit that you're going to...
04:02:40.000
He's like, I think it's amazing what you've done here.
04:02:47.000
It's the bedrock of stand-up comedy in the known universe.
04:02:50.000
Does he have any idea what you're talking about?
04:02:54.000
He goes, how much can comedians make doing comedy?
04:02:57.000
So I say, Kill Tony sold out Madison Square Garden two nights in a row in an hour.
04:03:07.000
I go, I'm going to take you to Kill Tony right now.
04:03:20.000
By the way, at the beginning of the show, before anything, Ashley Judd sings.
04:03:40.000
One thing I love about Shane is he's not a sellout.
04:04:00.000
Anyway, so in the middle of the show, the show's already going on, I text him, I'm coming over with Tucker Carlson.
04:04:12.000
So I'm in the backstage, right behind the curtain.
04:04:21.000
And so Tony goes, my two favorite people just dropped by, Joe Rogan and Tucker Cousin!
04:04:48.000
It's not just like, I'm going to bring you on stage to a comedy show.
04:05:02.000
You giving advice to Tony like I gave advice to you?
04:05:07.000
I'm giving you good advice, you fucking dumbass.
04:05:14.000
But to bring him into that environment, no idea?
04:05:44.000
William Montgomery is another dude who's just coming into his own right now.
04:06:07.000
I've known William Montgomery since L.A. I've known him since L.A. I watched it happen.
04:06:19.000
All I tried to ever do, which he did, was ditch the notes.
04:06:31.000
I was sitting there going, dude, keep reading the notes.
04:06:45.000
And it was like, you just don't know what you're going into.
04:07:14.000
But I don't know if Dan had seen it before, but Patrick 100% told me he had never seen live stand-up until he came to my club.
04:07:24.000
He only watched it on YouTube or on Netflix or whatever.
04:07:34.000
Because you can't have William go up first because it's too weird.
04:07:39.000
So he goes up second and murders all the greatest hits.
04:07:43.000
I was in the balcony with the Black Keys while they were dying, watching William Montgomery, and I set it up.
04:08:01.000
He doesn't drink, but he's hanging out with a bunch of fucking drunks.
04:08:06.000
There was a lot of sweaty armpits on his shoulder.
04:08:08.000
Do you ever see that guy trying to get Tucker Carlson without realizing it's him?
04:08:36.000
We could just turn it off and keep going, but we've been doing the same thing.
04:08:39.000
We're going to be doing the same thing in an hour in the fucking green room.
04:09:02.000
He's like, you're allowed to fish in any pond in New York, obviously.
04:09:18.000
Went on the road with the dead, followed him around.
04:10:04.000
It's just like he takes on controversial subjects and becomes a lightning rod for hate.
04:10:39.000
Well, the problem is that we all want to classify people as on our tribe or not on our tribe.
04:10:51.000
And it's people like us, people like you and me, and you as well, that used to be on the left.
04:10:55.000
I would consider myself on the left most of my life, until I was in my late 40s, and I was like, what are you guys doing?
04:11:04.000
The plot was supposed to be free speech, open dialogue, communication, acceptance of all people as long as they're not doing something fucked up to fucking destroy other people's lives.
04:11:18.000
I think it's just the militant left is what we're against, so it pushes everyone to the right, but we're like, no, no, you guys are speaking for us suddenly.
04:11:27.000
They empowered that fucking radical, excitable, insane, schizophrenic, fucking SSRI addled left.
04:11:36.000
The left that was like the most bonkers of bonkers.
04:12:06.000
Because IDF? Because they're exposing what's happening in Palestine?
04:12:56.000
You What you said was ban it, you piece of shit.
04:13:05.000
Let people stay on the phone if they're so fucking dumb.
04:13:08.000
If they get killed by wolves, they're the slowest motherfuckers at the end of the line.
04:13:17.000
There's Chinese TikTok wolves, and they're trying to make you trans.
04:13:25.000
And over there, in China, they're doing push-ups and kung-fu, and they're fucking people up.
04:13:38.000
Chinese movies where they hire a hotshot American actress who are B-level, and they just have them get the fuck beaten out of them by Chinese super soldiers.
04:14:07.000
When they're 17, it's like, you know they wanted it.
04:14:17.000
You know you can't even buy a Fairphone in America?
04:14:20.000
I got high the other day and I decided I'm gonna go full eco.
04:14:30.000
It's a phone that is like sustainably sourced materials.
04:14:48.000
You can, but you can only buy it if you live in another country.
04:14:53.000
All these labels here, you can't buy a Fairphone.
04:14:56.000
I don't know what the deal is, but in America, you can't buy this phone called a Fairphone.
04:15:01.000
And the Fairphone is a phone that's sustainably sourced.
04:15:04.000
They get all their cobalt through ethical mining, allegedly.
04:15:09.000
But you can pop off the back, remove the battery, you can take every single piece of it as modular, it can be replaced.
04:15:20.000
It should be readily available here for all the liberals who are like...
04:15:23.000
Yeah, you're literally tweeting on a phone that's made by slaves.
04:15:28.000
Most of the virtual signaling, if you get to the...
04:15:31.000
Siddharth Kara, who wrote this book, and he did a lot of investigative journalism on the Congo, talking about cobalt mining.
04:15:41.000
If you get to the end of the cobalt mining, it's fucking people pulling out minerals with rocks, sticks and shit, pulling shit out, and they're getting toxic fumes.
04:15:57.000
Yeah, which one of you guys is going to vote for Donald Trump?
04:16:02.000
I don't vote, but I'm in whatever you guys decide as a country.
04:16:06.000
I like that RFK. You're going to vote for RFK? He seems fun.
04:16:12.000
So if you had to vote for Trump or Biden, who are you voting for?
04:16:35.000
I didn't want to do this, but this is just to honor you.
04:16:40.000
I just want to do that for the love of the game.
04:16:51.000
Can I just say, if you vote, you're a fucking dork.
04:17:08.000
You just collected that can and put it in your thing.
04:17:18.000
Definitely start your travel podcast when you can't fucking travel anymore because you signed up for a ban on TikTok.
04:17:23.000
You signed up for a centralized digital currency.
04:17:52.000
Is there a cover of America Fuck Yeah We Can Play?
04:18:25.000
If you're right now doing a lot of string theory work on a yellow legal pad, you're right.
04:18:39.000
If you try to get on stage after fucking Ari Shafir, you're dumb.
04:18:49.000
Yeah, but you, but if you're a string theorist, if you're a string theorist and thinks everybody is fucking stupid because they don't understand your nonsense, you write on a chalkboard with squiggly lines and N's and A's.
04:19:02.000
Who was that academic guy who said stand-up's easy because you have a captive audience and they're all drinking?
04:19:15.000
It was one of those high-level academic names you know.
04:19:17.000
Stand-up is easy, it's a captive audience, and you're all drinking.
04:19:21.000
I want to bring you to the stand for three shows in a row.
04:19:37.000
It's like Malcolm Gladwell, one of those kind of guys.
04:19:47.000
I can kill him in a small room in a minimal amount of time.
04:19:54.000
Malcolm would eat hot dog shit if he went after Shane.
04:20:08.000
Go on after Brian Simpson, Malcolm Gladwell, or stop talking shit.
04:20:16.000
Dude, I'm uncomfortable that I remembered this.
04:20:35.000
...is dealing with people in a tightly controlled setting...
04:20:39.000
...with a rich set of expectations governing their behavior...
04:20:53.000
I cannot imagine a better set of circumstances, an easier set of circumstances for navigating a sort of situation than those.
04:21:16.000
In 1989, Greg Fitzsimmons got attacked on stage at Stitch's Comedy Club in Boston.
04:21:23.000
In 89. This guy jumps on stage Fitzsimmons and him get into a fucking Donnybrook.
04:21:29.000
They're fucking brawling in the middle of this comedy club in 1989 in Boston.
04:21:37.000
Fitzsimmons and this guy are fucking duking it out.
04:21:50.000
Imagine being an audience member and going, here's some short, pale guy.
04:22:08.000
He fights people that get him in trouble socially.
04:22:14.000
Greg and I started out one week apart from each other.
04:22:21.000
But I I mean, this is like 89. This is like before Greg was Greg.
04:22:26.000
Before he was the Emmy Award winner, all that bullshit.
04:22:47.000
There's golf courses out here that aren't filled with...
04:23:01.000
He takes that much whiskey and pours water into it.
04:23:18.000
I have to go on at the end of all of you fucking imbeciles.
04:23:26.000
I want to open up an improv here just for a flex.
04:23:32.000
Is it the same where I will let Adam Carolla keep the number one podcast in the world on Guinness Book of World Records?
04:23:37.000
Joe, they've had a comedy festival in town and Joe was doing his own festival three days in a row at his club.
04:24:07.000
No, listen, we gotta keep him right where he is.
04:24:16.000
But listen, we need our certain place in the world.
04:24:29.000
I think it's too late for this one, but Mark, you gotta catch up, bro.
04:24:50.000
We are approaching five hours into a podcast that can change the election.
04:25:05.000
We need to respect our position in this cultural world.
04:25:37.000
You've been stealing his empties, you fucking idiot.
04:26:15.000
I know it's more work, but it's 20 extra minutes.
04:26:27.000
Let's talk about Supreme Court, and civil liberties, and Wow, that smash and grab is out of control.
04:27:08.000
It's got to be better than the Kennedy cocktail.
04:27:12.000
The Biden cocktail's got to be like Days From Death cocktail.
04:27:17.000
It's like, can't you have one less stroke per day?
04:27:32.000
Old people just had to suck it up and not get a boner.
04:27:35.000
And now, kids today are doing Viagra at, like, 21. Yeah, back in the day, you had a rope around the base of your balls.
04:28:02.000
Bro, the day they figured out Viagra was like the day they figured out the internet.
04:28:23.000
Why don't you pee through that goddamn whiskey bottle, you fucking savage?
04:28:32.000
Squeeze that dick off like a garden hose in the 70s.
04:28:35.000
You're going to fill that bottle up, aren't you?
04:28:40.000
I can't believe you're doing what you're doing.
04:28:42.000
I wish you did it in the hallway, but it's okay.
04:28:49.000
Do we ever show you fucking barfing like a fucking baby?
04:29:05.000
How much do you think it would cost to get someone to drink a fucking whiskey bottle filled with your piss?
04:29:40.000
Imagine, how much money would you ever dick into your Patreon account?
04:29:46.000
Well, you've got to hand it to Ari, because you're old, and you're hanging in there.
04:30:11.000
I eat chopped cheese all day for a fucking week.
04:30:18.000
When we had that sober October fitness challenge, he was the only guy I worried about.
04:30:25.000
Also, I will do the thing where I'm like, guys, guys, let's not try, let's not try, let's not try.
04:30:34.000
But I had Aquaries out, getting Michelle Wolf to wear my strap for a fucking...
04:30:44.000
And Michelle, to regret it, was like, 100%, I'll be quiet forever for that.
04:30:48.000
But when you said that, I was like, Michelle's gonna die.
04:31:02.000
It's just that one fucking hunting trip where you worked out for fucking 18 hours a day for four straight days.
04:31:09.000
No, it was the one day that I watched John Wick 50 times in a row.
04:31:12.000
And I literally did seven hours of cardio on an elliptical and set off my fire alarm.
04:31:21.000
Can I say what a motivator spite is that no one's taking advantage of?
04:31:26.000
Spite as a motivator to hurt your friends, to work out, to read, do whatever, is so there.
04:31:44.000
He's athletic if you look at Division 3 fucking...
04:32:12.000
The problem is I was like, oh, I forgot this was in there.
04:32:19.000
Because everyone would think it'd be GSP who unlocks it.
04:32:23.000
It's the fucking fattest piece of shit alcoholic who fucking gets you the fucking wildest.
04:32:34.000
I'm going to drag you to where I'm about to die and you're not going to live.
04:32:41.000
I'm gonna get, like, let's see what you can do.
04:32:53.000
We need to protect our parks challenge or we just drink.
04:33:16.000
Yeah, it's basically like bombing Gaza forever.
04:33:22.000
I was saying to a friend of mine today, I was like, what Israel's doing in Gaza is like what a fifth grader would do if he said, if you were the president of the world, how would you stop all wars?
04:33:32.000
Somebody fuck me, I'll fuck you up 50,000 times more!
04:34:01.000
The reason why there's human beings still in 2024 is because somewhere along the line, someone decided that the only way to do this is to go full Bhagavad Gita.
04:34:37.000
I think when Palestine raped those Thai nationals who are at a music festival.
04:34:45.000
They're just out at a festival, having a good time.
04:34:56.000
For just one second, you go, hey, maybe we shouldn't have raped those Thai nationals.
04:35:20.000
Hey, everybody on that side, couldn't you be like, that was wrong?
04:35:22.000
Couldn't you just, for one moment, go, yeah, we shouldn't have raped and murdered those Thai nationals.
04:35:29.000
I think Candace Owens is making a video about you right now.
04:35:38.000
Jamie, pull up the Thai versus the trans women are going at it.
04:35:55.000
I'm getting paid way too much to do a comedy clip tonight where I'm too drunk to perform.
04:36:09.000
Did you see the Thai ladyboys are fighting with the trans people?
04:36:12.000
Because they're like, hey, you're stealing our thunder.
04:36:34.000
You've been a real cocksucker this entire year.
04:36:37.000
His new Netflix special available right now, live at the mothership.
04:36:59.000
Sees 100 strong ladyboy mob fighting in Bangkok turf war.
04:37:12.000
Well, the ladyboys are fighting with the trans people because that was their thing.
04:37:16.000
I'm trying to take a good look at these new shabbies.
04:37:18.000
Trans prostitutes from the Philippines and Thai ladyboys brawled in Bangkok.
04:37:24.000
What are the Philippines doing on the fucking opposite side?
04:38:16.000
Meanwhile, there's three people still wearing masks.
04:38:22.000
Well, we all knew that the trans community was gonna butt up against the ladyboy community.
04:38:34.000
Unfortunately, when I was in Thailand, I was with my whole family.
04:38:37.000
I would have paid a visit to those boys and I would have given them the business.
04:38:42.000
I got to look, watch a little kickboxing, keep moving, fish eat, eating your fucking calluses off your feet.
04:38:48.000
Jay, Joe, you gotta come on an episode of You Be Chippin' and I'll tell you about some stuff in Thailand that you should have done if you had left your family.
04:38:55.000
How about we just do it Ari Shafir Seize the World?
04:39:06.000
Joe has, if you were going to trust anyone when it comes to maybe a podcast being successful, Joe Rogan's a decent guy.
04:39:13.000
Joe, what if they've run podcasts, you've done this.
04:39:17.000
By the way, the worst advice I've ever had in the history.
04:39:25.000
One time, my kids, they were going to Disneyland.
04:39:29.000
My wife was like, you don't have to do a podcast.
04:39:54.000
The most important thing is just do whatever the fuck you want to do.
04:39:58.000
And now, the people listening to this show have made it this far.
04:40:04.000
Now they've been to the new stratosphere of us being...
04:40:07.000
I'm trying to tell you, Ari Shafir sees the world.
04:40:30.000
Hey Shane, how come McCaffrey wouldn't do your fucking thing?
04:40:37.000
Because he didn't want to win the Super Bowl anyway?
04:40:47.000
Everyone else did it, but one guy who didn't win the Super Bowl didn't do it.
04:40:53.000
When he was scoring a touchdown, he was genuinely...
04:41:13.000
If you're a white running back and you score any touchdown ever in the NFL, you're like...
04:41:21.000
Yeah, he's the MVP. I don't know what's going on.
04:41:24.000
Joe, imagine a football player version of someone hitting like eight rails and then pocketing.
04:41:31.000
Christian McCaffrey is a white NFL running back.
04:41:37.000
It's a position that white guys are incapable of playing.
04:41:43.000
Generally, guys like Christian McCaffrey are GMs.
04:41:50.000
The problem is, the initial thing, the problem is, normally if I'm friends with a guy in the NFL, like a superstar, sexual icon like Gabriel Davis, when he scores a touchdown, he'll do...
04:42:40.000
And then the NFL, the number one to two sports in the world.
04:42:59.000
This is why I say top 20. Top 10, no matter what, sports in the world.
04:43:28.000
I don't know, because China and India don't play soccer.
04:43:30.000
Soccer does play China, they just don't make the World Cup.
04:43:32.000
They do, and they pour out and they watch World Cup all day and all night at the fucking bars.
04:43:41.000
As long as you're not dissident, head over to China.
04:43:52.000
Elon Musk fucking dominated that fucking motherfucker.
04:44:17.000
He said, Don Lemon was doing CNN off CNN. You don't have to do that.
04:44:32.000
Have you thought about the difference between free speech and hate speech?
04:44:41.000
Do you think it's more important that people decide what the line is?
04:44:46.000
Yeah, and he's saying that to him, and Don Lemon's like, oh, I just thought I was going to get you.
04:44:55.000
It's hilarious, because Don Lemon is talking about, like, oh, it's been so hard for me.
04:45:34.000
I don't know what we were talking about, but Shane's there.
04:46:43.000
Didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo sound, didgeridoo, didgeridoo sound, yes man.
04:46:54.000
Mark, sometimes you break my heart and it makes me so dang gum sad.
04:47:11.000
A memory of scraping together fucking $3 each to get a case of beer and everybody drinking it.
04:47:23.000
You didn't know whether or not you were going to be able to get drunk.
04:47:29.000
You didn't understand what all these expectations meant and all these people that were telling you what to do and what not to do.
04:47:37.000
Not only were they wrong, they were trying to impart their control on you to try to justify their own existence.
04:47:46.000
Man, you remember how fun it was to get drunk when you were a kid?
04:47:50.000
I don't know if we're allowed to say that on here.
04:47:52.000
I remember puking in a cab when I was 15. It's one of my favorite moments.
04:47:57.000
Me and my boys, we would go to Ocean City, Maryland every year.
04:48:27.000
What did you do there in Ocean City at the boardwalk?
04:48:35.000
When you're young, getting fucking hammered, there's nothing better.
04:48:37.000
Now, I don't want anybody under the age of 21 to drink.
04:48:42.000
Don't, but just know that when we drink under 21, it's a rule.
04:48:51.000
I waited until I was 21 to enjoy Bud Light responsibly, and I've always enjoyed it responsibly.
04:48:57.000
But I'll tell you what, if I had a daydream, if I imagined what it would be like if I was 15 and...
04:50:07.000
Maryland flag might be the tightest United States flag.
04:51:22.000
Some fucking meathead fucking workout guy supporting stand-up more than anybody in the world.
04:51:31.000
Having going, hey, sorry, Oliver Stone, can't have you on tonight.
04:52:05.000
Shane Gillis from SNL doesn't want me to love you.
04:52:08.000
Shane Gillis from SNL! Blame Lorne Michaels for my lack of affection right now.
04:52:28.000
Literally, I called every favor I had to get into the showroom.
04:52:46.000
Yeah, because every New York comic was like, I want to be there.
04:52:54.000
He goes, yeah, yeah, just follow up, make sure.
04:52:59.000
I said to Becky, I said, make sure Ari's in there.
04:53:06.000
In the showroom watching a telecast in a green room with a bunch of fucking dorks.
04:53:19.000
Anyway, you being there meant literally nothing to me.
04:53:36.000
I told Shane, I was like, hey, get DeRosa here.
04:53:38.000
And Shane just goes, he's taking pictures on the outside of the aftermarket.
04:54:15.000
Dude, we rated 21 Savage's dressing room seven decks of cards, so many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
04:54:24.000
No one deserves more credit than 21. That's the bro, dude.
04:54:36.000
Hey, me, Shane, and Sal in front of it, and Shane just automatically going to cover his nuts because he knows.
04:54:44.000
I was wrong to not do it, to not just fucking dick punch him.
04:54:48.000
No, 21 was like, you know, he's 21. The whole time he's like, yeah, what's up, man?
04:54:58.000
But my niece really wanted a picture with 21, and he was already leaving.
04:55:05.000
And I was like, could 21 come back and take a picture with my niece?
04:55:57.000
You can do an hour every night, but cons, you gotta deal with the bullshit.
04:56:03.000
Are you legally allowed to take a Lone Star on camera?
04:56:22.000
Everything that exists comes with pros and cons.
04:56:33.000
If anybody's going to do it, I've got to do it.
04:56:38.000
You get put in this weird spot where you have like resources that most people never have.
04:56:45.000
If you really give a fuck about what you're talking about.
04:56:56.000
The fact that it's stress-free, relatively, is great.
04:57:25.000
Don't wait for it in the same place as you, Mark.
04:57:30.000
Don't wait till the housing crisis happens here in Austin.
04:57:50.000
From Kill Tony to all the people that came from Kill Tony.
04:57:53.000
It is cool when you go like, hey, I'm here in a week.
04:57:59.000
Oh, McCusker, Paziski, Rogan, I mean, Segura, Shane, whoever.
04:58:07.000
It was like, hey, come down and fucking open for me.
04:58:25.000
One year doing fucking stand-up comedy the right way.
04:58:32.000
We're fucking telling everybody what the line is.
04:59:25.000
Literally, no one knew what the show was gonna be.
04:59:29.000
I said, special, intimate show, 11.30pm, in the little room, sells out immediately.
04:59:37.000
Shane Gillis goes on stage, does 15 minutes, they have no idea Dave's going up.
05:00:37.000
It's hard to analyze any Shane Gillis story because his rise is so fucking quick that three months later you're like, oh, it was a different time.
05:01:06.000
So I just say, all I said on Twitter, intimate show.
05:01:24.000
Just having Joe Rogan be like, hey everybody, coming up.
05:01:27.000
I said, welcome to the first ever show in the small room, little boy, at the Comedy Mothership.
05:01:41.000
Ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite comedians.
05:01:46.000
And then I had to get down and go, holy fuck, my bad.
05:01:52.000
That's how much your world has changed in one year.
05:01:55.000
The rise is so non-stop that you can't analyze it.
05:01:58.000
Any story that happens a week after it happens is like, it doesn't mean the same thing.
05:02:31.000
All three of us have been destroyed on Protect Our Parks.
05:03:06.000
The best way to fix that is a fucking freedom bong.
05:03:52.000
Alright, before we end it, Norman, please bong that.
05:03:56.000
Alright, well, we should have a parting words, some words of wisdom.
05:04:56.000
He's doing everything he can to not bong that beer.
05:05:13.000
This is the first time he ever buked on one of these.
05:06:02.000
Ladies and gentlemen, Protect Our Parks, 11. That was definitely a good one.
05:06:26.000
The rest of the world that wished they were America.