The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #2144 - Chris Distefano

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:00:12.000 I never know what's going on with you, if this is like an act, or if this is part of the fun of being Chrissy D. I mean, no.

00:00:19.000 Well, Chrissy D was all fun and games. 0.92

00:00:22.000 Was.

00:00:23.000 Was.

00:00:23.000 Third person.

00:00:24.000 Now, we're coming into a part.

00:00:27.000 Two major things have happened here, okay?

00:00:29.000 One, I've re-found my love for Christ, and I'm back believing.

00:00:34.000 I'm back being Catholic.

00:00:36.000 Okay.

00:00:36.000 I'm back in.

00:00:37.000 Nice.

00:00:38.000 Got two feet in Catholicism. 0.90

00:00:39.000 Okay.

00:00:39.000 We're back, baby.

00:00:41.000 Okay.

00:00:41.000 And then the other thing is, I made...

00:00:44.000 Six months ago, I had this beautiful house, Staten Island, right?

00:00:50.000 Everything we wanted.

00:00:52.000 Sold the house because I was having anxiety about doing a show at Radio City.

00:00:57.000 Swear to God.

00:00:58.000 My brain couldn't process it that way, but through therapy...

00:01:03.000 The therapist figured out, and it's right, because I checked on this with my girlfriend, and she was like, that's exactly what you did.

00:01:09.000 I was very nervous about Radio City.

00:01:11.000 Didn't know where to put that energy, because it was a big show.

00:01:13.000 I'm a New York guy.

00:01:15.000 Biggest weekend of my life.

00:01:17.000 I... So I said, about two weeks before Radio City, came home and said, we're putting up the house for sale.

00:01:22.000 I want to be able to walk to a bagel store.

00:01:25.000 We can't walk to a bagel store at this house on Staten Island.

00:01:27.000 I need that for my creative process.

00:01:29.000 And my girl was like, what are you doing?

00:01:30.000 We just renovated our kitchen.

00:01:32.000 You just poured money into it.

00:01:33.000 This is our home. 0.83

00:01:34.000 I was like, I can't walk to a bagel store and it's going to fuck my comedy up.

00:01:38.000 It will.

00:01:39.000 What?

00:01:40.000 Yeah.

00:01:40.000 And then people, if you knew my address back then, you would know that there was a bagel store 0.9 miles away that I didn't know about.

00:01:51.000 But you had a dream house.

00:01:53.000 I had a dream house that we put to our liking.

00:01:56.000 And I said, I couldn't, didn't understand it then.

00:01:59.000 I said, we're selling the house.

00:02:00.000 And I convinced my family, because that's what we can do, right, as comics, I convinced them, I had them buy this story, convinced my girl, my family, what's going to be better for us is to sell this five-bedroom house.

00:02:12.000 Here's the move.

00:02:13.000 We're going to sell this five-bedroom house for about $300,000 under asking price.

00:02:18.000 We're going to get out of this puppy.

00:02:19.000 We're going to sell that.

00:02:20.000 We're going to move to Queens, where we can walk to stuff in bagel stores and be in civilization.

00:02:24.000 We're going to temporarily live in a two-bedroom apartment.

00:02:28.000 And then we're eventually going to move into a condo and life's going to be better because, you know, I won't have to care for these grounds anymore.

00:02:37.000 I won't have to throw out the garbage.

00:02:39.000 We'll be safe in an apartment.

00:02:40.000 People can come in the back window of our home and this will be the move.

00:02:45.000 And I did that.

00:02:47.000 And then the apartment that we had lined up fell through.

00:02:51.000 We left the apartment we were living in because it had roaches.

00:02:55.000 Jasmine almost left me. 0.89

00:02:56.000 She was almost like, I can't be a part of your chaos and self-sabotage anymore.

00:03:00.000 And I had to kind of really just say, what the hell did I just do?

00:03:05.000 Figure this problem out, went back into therapy, turned back into religion, starting to find some answers.

00:03:12.000 And now we're living in a home that we're renting, that we like, and we're kind of settling in.

00:03:18.000 But I learned the lesson of self-sabotage the hard way.

00:03:24.000 It's weird.

00:03:25.000 What's going on in my career right now, selling the most tickets I've ever had, financially the best I've ever done, getting all these opportunities, was the worst version of me as a human being.

00:03:35.000 Not because I was just self-sabotaging after self-sabotaging, and I couldn't, didn't know why.

00:03:41.000 Do you have friends that you could talk to about this stuff?

00:03:43.000 Yeah, but they're, you know, not, they call me gay.

00:03:46.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:03:47.000 Like, they're old school New York guys that are like, I don't fucking know, dude, get a therapist.

00:03:52.000 And I'm like, well, yeah, I, what I had to do, what I, I really felt like nobody could really help me with this.

00:03:58.000 I was like, I gotta just turn to professional therapist and then I go into And then I turned back to going to church, and I was like, well, at least I have, like, if anything for me, church is just an hour a week to just meditate and sit there, and I have nothing.

00:04:12.000 I have no thoughts.

00:04:13.000 I have no technology.

00:04:14.000 I'm like, it's just me and whoever I think God is.

00:04:18.000 That's how I feel about it.

00:04:20.000 But that chaos stuff, you know, because people always, you know, Chrissy Chaos, I was actually living in it, and I was like, okay, now what I've done, now I've, like, hurt my family.

00:04:31.000 Now I've done a thing that's, like, not funny.

00:04:33.000 Now I've, like, taken things from my kids because I thought my kids would be like, oh, yeah, Dad, like my eight-year-old.

00:04:40.000 We had this moment that kids are just kids.

00:04:43.000 I'm telling her, isn't this great, baby?

00:04:45.000 We can walk to the bagel store now.

00:04:47.000 We can go to the park.

00:04:48.000 We're not living off the side of a highway.

00:04:50.000 And she was like, well, I love that we had a pool.

00:04:53.000 And I was like, yeah, but isn't it better that we don't have a pool now and we can go to the pool club?

00:04:58.000 And she was like, you know, no.

00:05:01.000 She was like, honestly, she was like, we did it for you.

00:05:03.000 So I'm happy that you're happy, but I miss my friends. 0.98

00:05:06.000 And then I was like, oh my god, what the fuck did I do?

00:05:09.000 So I kind of have been backtracking as much as I can, little by little, to try to re-correct these mistakes. 0.94

00:05:17.000 And now my family is more on board.

00:05:19.000 Now my family's like, hey, we're with you.

00:05:23.000 We're with you, but we gotta figure this out.

00:05:26.000 So now we're settled, finally, in a place.

00:05:29.000 And we're kind of falling in love with the neighborhood we're living in as time has went on.

00:05:33.000 And my kids are finding friends and all that.

00:05:36.000 And I'm not going to take that from them.

00:05:39.000 I'm not going to be like, well, wherever we are now, we're going to stay for years so they can build the bonds and the friendships that they need that I inadvertently took away from them without me even realizing.

00:05:51.000 Yeah.

00:05:52.000 Hmm.

00:05:53.000 Can I have those edibles?

00:05:54.000 So this anxiety ramped up when success ramped up.

00:06:00.000 Yes.

00:06:00.000 So, here, I sound like a therapist here, but is it because you're worried it's going to go away?

00:06:06.000 Is that the anxiety?

00:06:08.000 Like, what is the anxiety?

00:06:09.000 No.

00:06:10.000 What is the fear?

00:06:11.000 No, it wasn't any of that.

00:06:12.000 It was...

00:06:14.000 It was, I believe, I have confidence, I believe that I'm in this business, I can do it.

00:06:19.000 And I believe that like we're all together now, especially how comedy is now, I feel like we're all like this big brother, sisterhood, like we'll help each other.

00:06:25.000 If one of us is falling, like we got each other.

00:06:27.000 I believe in that.

00:06:29.000 But I think that the actual anxiety of the day of, you know, again, being a New York guy, one night Radio City, the next night the theater at MSG, all these, for me, a lot of tickets, you know, 10,000 plus tickets, which is, you know, that's huge for me.

00:06:44.000 I was like, how am I going to balance all this?

00:06:47.000 What if I don't do well?

00:06:49.000 What if one of these 10,000 people realizes that I'm...

00:06:56.000 Thinks that I'm some kind of fraud.

00:06:58.000 Thinks that like, hey, you know.

00:07:00.000 One is going to.

00:07:01.000 Right.

00:07:02.000 Always.

00:07:02.000 Right.

00:07:03.000 There's always people that are going to find some negative thing in anything.

00:07:06.000 So now, now, I've gotten to that point to accept that I'm wildly different.

00:07:11.000 Not wildly different, but I'm much better now than I was in September when all this stuff was going on because I've just kind of accepted that I don't really have control of what others think.

00:07:22.000 Maybe you need a thing other than just comedy that you do that's not like career-oriented, like a hobby, like some kind of other interest that you really enjoy that you could focus on.

00:07:35.000 So what I did...

00:07:37.000 Trans people, is that what it is?

00:07:38.000 Yes, trans feet. 0.79

00:07:40.000 I'm really into WikiFeed for specifically trans women.

00:07:43.000 And so, no, what I think is...

00:07:46.000 Well, what I've done, because I haven't gotten to the hobby yet, what I've done is I've really, I thought I was always focused on my kids, always being a father is everything to me, but I said, what you just said, I said, I'm going to really just focus on being a dad, being home,

00:08:02.000 coming off the road a little bit, just temporarily doing my thing in New York, keeping my podcast going, keeping my name out there, but not going on this national tour, getting away from that, For now, I've shot a special.

00:08:15.000 It's going to come out at the end of the year.

00:08:16.000 I'm like, be home.

00:08:18.000 Be with the kids.

00:08:18.000 Be picking them up.

00:08:19.000 Be at the park with them.

00:08:21.000 Focus on, like, give yourself a schedule.

00:08:23.000 I'm a comedian from 9 to 5, or 9 to 3. And then when you pick up your kids, just for now, you just be with them.

00:08:30.000 And that's really helped.

00:08:32.000 And now, like last night I was at your club, which is awesome.

00:08:35.000 I was at your club, and that was the first time I was on stage in about six weeks since I shot the special.

00:08:40.000 Oh, really?

00:08:40.000 And I felt so...

00:08:42.000 I did some of the same material that I was, because I've been writing, but I was like, I don't want to try a brand new thing right here.

00:08:47.000 I did one new thing, but I was like, oh wow, I felt like that little mental experiment helped me.

00:08:52.000 Like, I was so excited to be on stage again.

00:08:54.000 I've found, like, reconnected.

00:08:56.000 And you, something that you do, that I noticed last night, and I was like, huh, you, you know...

00:09:03.000 There's really nothing more you can do in comedy, right?

00:09:07.000 I mean, you've done everything.

00:09:07.000 The biggest you can get is you've achieved, which is beautiful.

00:09:10.000 But I still saw you yesterday obsessing over your hour and thinking about, like, how do I make that joke better, which is why you've gotten here.

00:09:18.000 And I've had that question in my head yesterday when I got back to the hotel.

00:09:21.000 I was like, do I have that?

00:09:23.000 Is it okay that I don't have it like Joe?

00:09:26.000 Does that mean I'm going to not be?

00:09:30.000 Are we all just different?

00:09:32.000 Because I love comedy, but I was like, I don't know.

00:09:35.000 I just shot a special and was like, you know what, I need some time off where I don't know that you've ever done that, right?

00:09:40.000 I mean, you've never taken a big break from stand-up.

00:09:42.000 Well, I took a big break during COVID. Right.

00:09:44.000 But other than that, you've always been like, you have a love and a passion that's, you're not worried about, like you're never looking at your watch being like, is an hour up yet?

00:09:53.000 You know, when you're podcasting, you're never being like, I gotta get an hour.

00:09:57.000 You just flow.

00:09:57.000 You're just free in the moment, flowing with passion, which is very admirable.

00:10:01.000 And I look at that sometimes and I question myself.

00:10:05.000 I'm like, do I have that?

00:10:06.000 I know I've been relatively successful in this and I do love it.

00:10:09.000 But I'm like, do I have that?

00:10:11.000 I wonder if therapy is not a good thing for a person like you.

00:10:14.000 Okay, why do you think?

00:10:15.000 Because...

00:10:16.000 I've never heard that.

00:10:17.000 I wonder if, like, obsessing about your problems makes your problems bigger.

00:10:21.000 Mm-hmm.

00:10:22.000 And that maybe you just need another thing to focus on that maybe alleviates anxiety, like some kind of a hardcore workout thing.

00:10:29.000 Okay.

00:10:30.000 Do you work out?

00:10:31.000 Yes.

00:10:31.000 What do you do?

00:10:32.000 Well, yesterday I did hot yoga.

00:10:35.000 That's great.

00:10:36.000 Yeah, just because I was on the plane, wanted to do the hot yoga, dripping sweat.

00:10:40.000 That's a great thing to do.

00:10:41.000 It was crazy.

00:10:42.000 And then today, I ran two miles, and then I did, with 30-pound dumbbells, I did one burpee.

00:10:52.000 One press ten times, ramped that up to five, went all the way up to one, two, three, so it was a lot of burpees with that.

00:10:59.000 Then I did farmer's carries, ball slams, I was dripping in sweat, I was trying to do that.

00:11:04.000 Does that help you?

00:11:05.000 It does.

00:11:06.000 I always feel, after a workout, great.

00:11:09.000 Because I was an athlete, I played basketball my entire life, to the point where my friends from home Are like, you never mentioned basketball, and that's the thing you were known as in the neighborhood.

00:11:19.000 Everybody knew you as basketball.

00:11:21.000 They used to call me Gums, because I have big gums.

00:11:23.000 So they would call me Gums, but they would call me Dirk, you know, Little Dirk.

00:11:27.000 Like, basketball was my whole life.

00:11:28.000 You have big gums?

00:11:29.000 See how they're kind of vague?

00:11:31.000 No, you're doing that.

00:11:32.000 I could do that, too.

00:11:32.000 No, I know, but when I smile, like, they're just, I have gingivitis.

00:11:36.000 Let me see you smile. 0.85

00:11:37.000 No, they seem pretty fucking normal. 0.98

00:11:39.000 I think you're thinking too much. 0.95

00:11:41.000 I really do.

00:11:43.000 Yeah.

00:11:43.000 I mean, well, no, they used to call me gums.

00:11:45.000 Most people are rude.

00:11:46.000 I've had the same size head and teeth since I'm seven, so I've always looked kind of weird.

00:11:51.000 So your head grew into your teeth?

00:11:52.000 Yeah, I just was born with this big fat head and big teeth.

00:11:57.000 So basketball was an obsession.

00:11:59.000 Then physical therapy, getting my doctorate degree, was an obsession.

00:12:02.000 And then comedy became an obsession, and I think I have this thing in my head, where I know I have to stay in the present, but sometimes I can't help it, where I'm like, well, is this your obsession ending now, and you're going to find another obsession?

00:12:13.000 Yeah, it's the thinking about the negative possibilities that are dangerous.

00:12:18.000 Right.

00:12:19.000 You know, I think Elon posted this on Twitter, that having anxiety is literally like having a conspiracy theory against yourself.

00:12:28.000 Got it.

00:12:30.000 It is kind of.

00:12:32.000 Because you're thinking, oh my god, what if this all falls apart?

00:12:37.000 And so you're dwelling on that.

00:12:38.000 But it's not falling apart.

00:12:40.000 Which is what I don't understand.

00:12:42.000 Which is weird because I feel confident.

00:12:44.000 I don't feel like, help me, I feel like I can figure anything out.

00:12:49.000 I'm a biological male.

00:12:51.000 Do you think that maybe the worrying that it's going to fall apart is what keeps you on track?

00:12:56.000 Because you're like, I can't let it fall apart.

00:12:59.000 You know, I have a family.

00:13:00.000 I have a lot of responsibilities. 0.96

00:13:02.000 I have to keep killing. 0.95

00:13:04.000 I have to keep doing great. 0.98

00:13:05.000 Right.

00:13:06.000 Yeah.

00:13:06.000 It feels specifically, yeah.

00:13:11.000 I do feel like it's all on me with my family.

00:13:13.000 Nobody else in my family works, and I take care of multiple family members, which I'm proud to do.

00:13:18.000 I don't feel like that's a burden.

00:13:19.000 I feel like, this is great.

00:13:20.000 This makes me feel, at times when I feel emasculated, that's something that makes me feel masculine. 0.95

00:13:26.000 When I'm like, oh, I don't know how to build anything, and I got my girlfriend here putting up sheetrock, and I'm like, I can build fucking walls emotionally.

00:13:32.000 I don't know how to do anything else other than that.

00:13:35.000 I'm like, at least I feel like, you know what?

00:13:38.000 I can take care of this family.

00:13:40.000 You rely on me for that.

00:13:42.000 And I guess there is something in comedy.

00:13:45.000 I guess because it's not like a day job, a daily paycheck coming in every two weeks, maybe that seeps in.

00:13:52.000 But it's weird because I've always been confident in anything I do.

00:13:56.000 I've always felt like my father would tell me from when I was a little kid You control your part.

00:14:01.000 You control the output, not the outcome.

00:14:03.000 He said that to me a million times.

00:14:04.000 You control your output, not your outcome.

00:14:06.000 Just control your output.

00:14:08.000 And the outcome is irrelevant.

00:14:09.000 It doesn't matter if you win or lose.

00:14:11.000 I don't care about that.

00:14:12.000 How are you playing?

00:14:13.000 And so I feel like I control my output as best I can, but yet then I sit with these thoughts kind of...

00:14:21.000 You know, they eat at me sometimes, you know?

00:14:24.000 But, and then maybe it comes out in weird ways where I'm like, well, I'll just sell my house or I'll, you know, I have a grid family thing right now, but maybe I'll, you know, maybe I'll fall in love with the actress from Baby Reindeer.

00:14:34.000 I don't know.

00:14:34.000 Did you ever talk to anybody before you sold your house?

00:14:36.000 Like, talk to one of your friends?

00:14:38.000 I was able to convince all of them that it was the right move.

00:14:40.000 You couldn't have convinced me.

00:14:42.000 I wish I got on the phone with you.

00:14:43.000 I know.

00:14:43.000 And I got rid of a great mortgage rate.

00:14:46.000 I really fucked up. 1.00

00:14:48.000 So silly. 1.00

00:14:52.000 I had like free money from the bank. 1.00

00:14:53.000 I really fucked up. 0.99

00:14:54.000 But I'm aware of that. 1.00

00:14:56.000 And I'm kind of saying along these lines, you know, I really fucked up. 0.98

00:15:00.000 I do believe I've learned a lesson. 0.97

00:15:01.000 I do believe that I would never do that again.

00:15:04.000 And I do believe it wasn't fatal for us.

00:15:10.000 I would manufacture problems in my brain.

00:15:13.000 I would say, oh, you know, this is an issue, but it's minor.

00:15:17.000 It's not. 0.99

00:15:17.000 It's self-obsessed, narcissistic, like, disgusting. 0.99

00:15:20.000 Like, Chris, get over yourself. 1.00

00:15:22.000 Self-obsessed bullshit. 1.00

00:15:23.000 Get over yourself. 1.00

00:15:24.000 And I would do that and then kind of tell myself, like, you're being gross.

00:15:28.000 Stop, Chris. 0.96

00:15:29.000 Like, your family, you have a pain in your big toe.

00:15:32.000 It's not brain cancer. 1.00

00:15:33.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:15:33.000 And, you know, your family needs you. 1.00

00:15:35.000 And then, so I would do that, but then I actually did give myself a big problem.

00:15:41.000 I had two major problems.

00:15:42.000 I had this house sale and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy, like crazy, crazy, crazy, where I was like, this is now a nightmare.

00:15:53.000 This has become an issue.

00:15:54.000 So I'm like, now for the first time in the past nine months, I'm like, you, one self-induced, one not, And you've created, now how do you deal with this?

00:16:04.000 How do you think you created the problem with your family member acting crazy?

00:16:07.000 Because I enabled them.

00:16:11.000 Specifically?

00:16:12.000 How'd you do that?

00:16:13.000 Well, because I was giving them money.

00:16:17.000 I was not aware.

00:16:19.000 That an issue was going on.

00:16:21.000 A drug issue?

00:16:22.000 Yes.

00:16:22.000 And I was allowing them to do things and say things.

00:16:27.000 And I was just like, this is fun.

00:16:29.000 It's chaos, baby.

00:16:31.000 And then not realizing, hey, man, you're affecting way more.

00:16:36.000 You're going to be the head of this family than be the head of this family.

00:16:38.000 They're going to follow your lead.

00:16:39.000 And you're a lead right now.

00:16:40.000 No matter how much you tell yourself, I don't do drugs.

00:16:42.000 I don't drink too much.

00:16:45.000 I'm stable.

00:16:46.000 You're not, buddy.

00:16:47.000 You have to.

00:16:49.000 Put your feet down right now and your family's, you know, my eight-year-old is, she's old enough now to somebody will, you know, somebody in her class will be like, oh, your dad's the comic.

00:16:59.000 He's pretty filthy, right?

00:17:01.000 So my daughter now is at an age where she's, you know, I've never mentioned them.

00:17:04.000 Nobody knows what they look like.

00:17:05.000 I'm not that.

00:17:06.000 But I'm like, oh, there's responsibilities now.

00:17:09.000 There's repercussions for things we're doing now.

00:17:11.000 My kids, they're not little anymore.

00:17:13.000 My 13-year-old, I have 13, 8, and 2. My two-year-old's obviously a baby, but 13 and 8?

00:17:18.000 You're going to have to now really, really, really get your shit together. 0.99

00:17:22.000 And I think that was scary because nobody really in my family, no male figures at least, even though my father's a great man, nobody really got their shit together, right? 0.99

00:17:30.000 I was like, I'm the only one who went to college. 0.88

00:17:32.000 I'm the only one who pursued anything.

00:17:33.000 I'm the only one who's ever even owned a home, you know?

00:17:36.000 So even though I sold it immediately...

00:17:40.000 How long did you have it for?

00:17:42.000 About two years.

00:17:43.000 And I sold it for way under.

00:17:45.000 My neighbor, who I didn't consult with, was like, why?

00:17:49.000 If you wanted to move, fine.

00:17:51.000 I get it.

00:17:52.000 Staten Island's not for everybody, even though I love Staten Island.

00:17:54.000 But you ruined the property values.

00:17:55.000 He was like, yes. 1.00

00:17:56.000 He was like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:17:57.000 And he was like, you sold it. 1.00

00:17:59.000 Who the fuck did you sell this to? 0.99

00:18:00.000 And you sold it for hundreds of thousands of dollars less than it was worth. 0.99

00:18:04.000 Why did you do that?

00:18:06.000 Because I just wanted to get out.

00:18:07.000 I just wanted to move.

00:18:08.000 So you just accepted the first offer?

00:18:10.000 Yes.

00:18:10.000 I just needed action.

00:18:12.000 My father was a...

00:18:13.000 His marriage with my mother got ruined because he was a hardcore gambler.

00:18:18.000 Hardcore Gamblers Anonymous.

00:18:21.000 That's a scary disease.

00:18:22.000 Yes.

00:18:23.000 Gamble.

00:18:23.000 And my father told me, even before I started doing this, my father was always like, do not gamble, okay?

00:18:30.000 If I ever see you learning card tricks, if I ever see you knowing what...

00:18:35.000 Gambling on sports, any of that, you're really going to upset me and, like, this is the only demand I have of you is do not gamble.

00:18:43.000 And what I believe has happened is I don't gamble.

00:18:45.000 I don't even know what the point spreads and the vigs. 1.00

00:18:49.000 I don't know what any of that means because my – and card games, you could put cards in front of me.

00:18:52.000 I have no idea what's happening.

00:18:54.000 People talk about, you know, parlay bets.

00:18:57.000 I have no idea what's happening.

00:18:59.000 I don't know what – it's a foreign language to me.

00:19:02.000 Because I was like, I'm going to do that.

00:19:04.000 But what I've realized now is, well, of course I'm gambling still.

00:19:07.000 I'm just not playing card games and betting.

00:19:10.000 You're just taking risks with your life.

00:19:11.000 I might be taking bigger risks with my life than he could because now, you know, he was gambling.

00:19:18.000 Yes, he lost his marriage to my mom, which sucks, but...

00:19:21.000 Whatever. 0.98

00:19:21.000 He gambled. 0.98

00:19:23.000 Some guys wanted to kill him because he owed money, got taken care of, and then he went to Gamblers Anonymous, and at least he was like, well, I have this disease, and I don't do it anymore.

00:19:30.000 And I respect my dad for that.

00:19:32.000 He got out of it.

00:19:34.000 But I'm like, man, I was going down this path where, like, how many more decisions was I going to make?

00:19:39.000 How many more times was I going to gamble?

00:19:41.000 Because I was like, I didn't realize.

00:19:43.000 And this... 0.93

00:19:45.000 This last nine months, I was like, wow, dude, you really fucking are looking it in the face now. 0.96

00:19:52.000 These decisions... 0.99

00:19:53.000 I mean, dude, when your eight-year-old looks at you like, what the fuck did you do? 0.99

00:19:58.000 That's all... 1.00

00:19:58.000 Your mom and dad can tell you shit. 1.00

00:20:00.000 Even your wife and girlfriend can tell you shit, which I all love and respect. 1.00

00:20:03.000 Your daughter is like, what did you do? 1.00

00:20:05.000 Why did you do this to us?

00:20:07.000 You kind of have this major wake-up call where it was like...

00:20:10.000 Yeah, when I moved here, I was very lucky that my kids wanted to move here.

00:20:13.000 Right, right.

00:20:14.000 And it was lucky during the time that we moved. 0.99

00:20:16.000 There was a real clear reason, because LA was fucked. 0.99

00:20:19.000 Right. 0.99

00:20:20.000 And they love it here, so I'm happy. 0.98

00:20:22.000 But if they didn't, I'd feel fucking terrible. 0.88

00:20:24.000 And if I had sold the house like that, especially if there's a real bagel store.9 miles away. 0.96

00:20:31.000 Shout out Manor Bagels on Staten Island.

00:20:32.000 They had excellent bagels.

00:20:35.000 Shout him out.

00:20:36.000 You just didn't know?

00:20:37.000 I didn't know until I sold it.

00:20:39.000 Maybe you could buy back into the neighborhood.

00:20:40.000 I know.

00:20:40.000 Well, that's funny.

00:20:41.000 My girl was like, do you think we can contact the people who bought our home?

00:20:44.000 And buy it back?

00:20:45.000 And buy it back, even though it's twice the mortgage rate and you'll have to pay more money, like it would make us happy.

00:20:49.000 And I reached out to him and he was like, no.

00:20:51.000 You can't do it.

00:20:52.000 And it's funny, I sold it to, you know, Staten Island's like a funny, it's, the people on Staten Island are great.

00:20:57.000 They really, really are.

00:20:58.000 But like when we first got there, you know, it's like an old school, if you don't know Staten Island, it's like an old school New York City neighborhood.

00:21:05.000 It's like the only borough that is like, you know, kind of like more Republican than anything.

00:21:10.000 Like they are like freedom, like American flag, you will see American flags everywhere on Staten Island.

00:21:17.000 And Wu-Tang Clan.

00:21:18.000 And Wu-Tang Clan, right?

00:21:19.000 Wu-Tang is on one part, but you know...

00:21:21.000 It's Staten Island.

00:21:22.000 It's Staten Island, baby.

00:21:24.000 And so they, you know, they're, like when I moved in, you know, I come in here, it's me, you know, like, you know, I'm Italian, whatever, but then my whole family's Puerto Rican.

00:21:34.000 And my neighbors, for like the first two weeks, just because I didn't know, I told my neighbors that my wife was Italian, that my girl was Italian, not Puerto Rican.

00:21:42.000 I swear to God, I told her we were Puerto Rican.

00:21:45.000 And then my neighbor, who's a great guy, he's a doctor, he finally came over to me once and he goes, you know we know he's Puerto Rican.

00:21:54.000 He said, Chrissy, it's no issue.

00:21:57.000 Because I thought that that's what I was supposed to do.

00:22:00.000 And then I sold the house.

00:22:02.000 And again, it's not, you know, I sold the house to a Palestinian family, which, whatever, right? 0.98

00:22:09.000 They have Palestinian flags now?

00:22:11.000 Yes.

00:22:12.000 They're very nice people.

00:22:14.000 But I sold them.

00:22:14.000 And now, you know, they're proud of their country.

00:22:16.000 And then, you know, I sold them before this whole shit started popping off. 1.00

00:22:19.000 Oh, boy. 1.00

00:22:19.000 So now that same neighbor's like, way to fucking go. 1.00

00:22:23.000 And he'll send me pictures. 0.98

00:22:24.000 And then it's funny because they have a flag outside. 0.99

00:22:27.000 And now my neighbor got an American flag twice as big as theirs, just fucking stamping that. 0.97

00:22:33.000 So now I've caused a community conflict. 0.97

00:22:37.000 Why don't you just offer more money to Palestinians? 0.96

00:22:40.000 Maybe they're uncomfortable there.

00:22:41.000 No, well, so actually what has happened is when I contacted them is they have like multiple family members living in there now.

00:22:49.000 Oh.

00:22:49.000 So they're like, we can't, this is our house, like we have to stay, like we, they have a baby, they have a whole, so, and I fucked up, but I do feel, I do feel that we, I'm confident we can, we are getting out of it,

00:23:04.000 and I'm confident in my abilities.

00:23:06.000 Are you going to go back to Staten Island?

00:23:08.000 I have been looking at houses on Staten Island, yes.

00:23:12.000 I have.

00:23:13.000 And we actually put an offer in on one last week.

00:23:15.000 You're a fun mess.

00:23:17.000 Thank you.

00:23:17.000 It's a fun mess.

00:23:18.000 Because it's not the worst kind of mess.

00:23:20.000 If you were a gambling addict, that's a scary mess.

00:23:23.000 Or drugs.

00:23:24.000 Drugs is a scary mess.

00:23:25.000 Those are scary ones. 0.99

00:23:26.000 Because people slip away and then they find themselves at OTB and they're fucking betting money they don't have. 0.87

00:23:33.000 And they get that rush. 0.99

00:23:35.000 When you see people that get that gambler's rush, it's just like a drug addict.

00:23:38.000 Their eyes gloss over.

00:23:40.000 They just need that fix.

00:23:41.000 They need that bet. 0.57

00:23:43.000 You've seen Uncut Gems, right?

00:23:44.000 Sure.

00:23:45.000 It's phenomenal.

00:23:46.000 Does it give you anxiety?

00:23:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:48.000 That movie's so good.

00:23:49.000 So nuts.

00:23:50.000 Well, when I watched it with my dad, my dad was like, this is what life was like.

00:23:53.000 This is what it was for me.

00:23:55.000 I knew so many people like that in the pool hall that were like that.

00:23:59.000 It's a wild thing to watch because you realize like, oh, it's a drug.

00:24:02.000 You're getting a drug.

00:24:03.000 You're getting this weird anxiety fix, this dopamine fix, whatever it is from gambling.

00:24:09.000 Yeah, and my father, like, inadvertently, like, you know, my father loves me, you know, loves me, like, a phenomenal father, right?

00:24:16.000 They divorced when I was one.

00:24:18.000 You know, my mom, my dad lived on Staten Island, my mom all the way in Queens.

00:24:21.000 You know, if you're not, that's like a two-hour commute.

00:24:23.000 He didn't have a car.

00:24:24.000 He was taking the ferry and trains and never missed one visitation with me.

00:24:27.000 He was at all my games.

00:24:28.000 But even in the throes of the addiction, like, he would take me to the OTB racetrack, and I loved it.

00:24:34.000 He was like, we're going to watch the horse.

00:24:35.000 He's Chrissy.

00:24:35.000 You have a Yoo-Hoo.

00:24:37.000 We'll have fun.

00:24:38.000 You know, he would always tell me, you know, you could leave my mother's house, right, where she still lives, and you could go to the right was church, and to the left was the OTB racetrack, but it kind of, the church was like at a top of a triangle, so you could go either way and get to the church.

00:24:55.000 And my father told me, he'd always be like, you know, when you're going to church with your mother, though, you always go to the right, okay?

00:25:01.000 You don't walk to the left.

00:25:02.000 Never walk past that OTB with your mother to the right, because he knew that the dirtbags who hung out outside there knew me.

00:25:08.000 And so one day we walked that way, and they all started going on.

00:25:12.000 So like, here he is, Chrissy!

00:25:13.000 Good luck, John!

00:25:14.000 There he is!

00:25:15.000 And my mother was like, how do you know those men?

00:25:16.000 How do you know those men, honey?

00:25:18.000 And I was like, you know, sometimes dad walks with me past that way, and then she was like, you tell me right now.

00:25:23.000 Is he taking you into that OTB racetrack? 0.99

00:25:25.000 And then I, like, didn't know, like, what the fuck to do. 0.97

00:25:28.000 I had that moment, like, do I side with my mom or side with my dad? 0.78

00:25:32.000 And that was, I remember, like, first time feeling like anxiety, but, you know, one thing about...

00:25:37.000 I just kind of always sided with my dad.

00:25:39.000 So I was like, no, I was like, I've never been in there.

00:25:42.000 I don't know how those guys know me.

00:25:43.000 But then, of course, she found out and, you know, I got in big trouble.

00:25:46.000 But it's what it is. 0.99

00:25:51.000 Goddamn, man. 0.99

00:25:52.000 Dude, by the way, I love Austin so much. 0.99

00:25:55.000 I really do.

00:25:56.000 I got into the car today.

00:25:58.000 You know, send a car for me to come here.

00:26:01.000 I appreciate it. 1.00

00:26:02.000 I get in the car, you know, real nice suit and tie driver, and then he stepped in dog shit as soon as he got into the car. 1.00

00:26:08.000 He's walking, and I see him go, oh, fuck! 1.00

00:26:11.000 And then he steps in dog shit, and he's just driving in the car, and the entire car smells like dog shit. 1.00

00:26:17.000 And I said, sir, did you step in dog shit? 1.00

00:26:19.000 And he said, yeah, I did. 1.00

00:26:20.000 And I was like, oh, okay.

00:26:22.000 He was like, you want me to take my shoes off?

00:26:24.000 I can throw them out right here.

00:26:25.000 And I was like, you'll drive this car barefoot?

00:26:27.000 He goes, absolutely.

00:26:30.000 I was like, no, dude, it's okay.

00:26:32.000 I was like, you're willing to drive this car barefoot.

00:26:35.000 He goes, you're my customer.

00:26:36.000 I'll drive barefoot for you. 0.96

00:26:38.000 And I was like, dude, I fucking love it. 0.96

00:26:40.000 And then he's waiting for me here. 0.93

00:26:41.000 And I was like, what are you going to do, man?

00:26:43.000 He was like, I'm going to find a paper towel and I'm going to wipe down these shoes. 0.99

00:26:46.000 You better believe it ain't gonna smell like shit in here when you come back. 0.98

00:26:50.000 I was like, good for you, dude. 0.97

00:26:52.000 Thank you. 1.00

00:26:53.000 But full dog shit. 1.00

00:26:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:55.000 Good people out here. 1.00

00:26:56.000 They're good people out here.

00:26:57.000 I mean, there's nut jobs everywhere, though, right?

00:27:00.000 Oh, sure.

00:27:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:01.000 There's lots of crazy people here. 0.99

00:27:03.000 There's crazy people, whenever you have a large population, there's two million people in this area. 0.89

00:27:07.000 But that's not that much.

00:27:09.000 No.

00:27:10.000 No.

00:27:10.000 That's what's good about it.

00:27:11.000 It's like, people aren't a burden.

00:27:14.000 Yes, because you have the space.

00:27:16.000 Yeah.

00:27:16.000 If you live in New York City, if you live in LA, people become a burden, because there's so many of them, you don't appreciate them.

00:27:23.000 See, the thing with New York, I agree, and New York now, it never felt that way, you know, my whole life there, but recently, New York has become a place, still great, still my home city, but...

00:27:38.000 Yeah.

00:28:00.000 Three times in the past year, three times in the past year, I've been physically assaulted or had to defend myself against a mentally deranged homeless person.

00:28:12.000 One time I was walking to the comedy cellar, some guy came at me.

00:28:16.000 And, like, just put his elbow in my chest and I had to push him and he fell over a pile of garbage.

00:28:19.000 I just had to push him as hard as I can where I'm like, I never dealt with that.

00:28:23.000 And now you're starting to hear people who, like, would always kind of, you know, never, ever, ever even think about, like, voting any other way.

00:28:31.000 But the traditional New York way are like, I have to now vote another way because it's not safe for me anymore.

00:28:37.000 There's crime.

00:28:38.000 And the cops, I feel bad, man.

00:28:40.000 The cops...

00:28:43.000 A lot of my friends are NYPD. They're like, dude, we want to fucking police. 1.00

00:28:47.000 We can't. 0.98

00:28:48.000 I can't do anything.

00:28:49.000 My boy was telling me a story.

00:28:50.000 He's like, we were outside the projects, right?

00:28:53.000 He goes, and we see this drug dealer selling drugs, right?

00:28:56.000 We see him.

00:28:57.000 He's selling drugs.

00:28:57.000 And we know he's right there selling drugs.

00:29:00.000 We arrest him.

00:29:02.000 Out.

00:29:02.000 Right away.

00:29:03.000 Out.

00:29:03.000 He goes, then we saw him selling drugs to what we look like a 10-year-old kid.

00:29:08.000 So we arrest him.

00:29:09.000 We arrest this kid.

00:29:10.000 We were seeing a 10-year-old child walk with a bag of drugs, arrest him, back out. 0.99

00:29:14.000 He goes, so what do you want me to fucking do then? 0.99

00:29:17.000 Right. 0.99

00:29:17.000 I can't keep doing this. 0.99

00:29:19.000 Why do you think they're doing that?

00:29:20.000 Living in New York City, why do you think they're letting people out, like, right away?

00:29:23.000 There's no cash bail, right?

00:29:25.000 Right.

00:29:25.000 I was told that's by my police friends.

00:29:27.000 I was told that's what it is.

00:29:28.000 It's that law is the big thing.

00:29:30.000 It's like this bail law to get out, he said, which doesn't help anyone because I— Why was it made?

00:29:37.000 I don't know.

00:29:38.000 I honestly don't know.

00:29:39.000 It's not well received, though.

00:29:41.000 Nobody really...

00:29:42.000 You're gonna...

00:29:43.000 In New York now, even the people who are wearing, like, 40 masks during COVID are like, I don't want...

00:29:49.000 My city's, like, being destroyed now.

00:29:51.000 So now, I don't know if that changes in an election, if people will vote.

00:29:55.000 I don't know.

00:29:56.000 But I'm like, I see it now for the first time ever.

00:30:00.000 I'm, like, fully seeing people injecting heroin. 1.00

00:30:03.000 Fucking... 1.00

00:30:04.000 It's wild. 1.00

00:30:04.000 Whew. 1.00

00:30:05.000 Even my father, who was like, I grew up in New York.

00:30:07.000 My father was like, I remember New York in the 70s and 80s, which was like nuts.

00:30:10.000 He was like, you would get assaulted.

00:30:13.000 Everybody had AIDS. He was like, this is scarier New York.

00:30:17.000 I'm more scared of this New York.

00:30:19.000 He said, in the old New York, you knew which neighborhoods.

00:30:22.000 Don't go in that neighborhood, and then you're okay. 1.00

00:30:25.000 But this New York, I don't know where that shit's coming from. 0.99

00:30:28.000 It's gonna pop out of anywhere at any time. 0.99

00:30:30.000 And you'll have people that will hear this and be like, you're exaggerating, it's not true.

00:30:35.000 I'm telling you, it's true.

00:30:36.000 They just haven't run into it yet.

00:30:37.000 I'm telling you, dude, it's true.

00:30:39.000 And when you are friends with the police, you know the cops.

00:30:42.000 It's true.

00:30:43.000 Well, when you saw those illegal immigrants that came here that attacked the police officer and they were out of jail the next day, flashing the bird at the cameras, that's crazy. 0.99

00:30:54.000 You got someone who illegally enters from another country, assaults a police officer, and they're right back out in the street. 1.00

00:30:59.000 And by the way, any race or religion doesn't want that in New York.

00:31:04.000 Nobody wants that.

00:31:06.000 That's not a thing that's like, oh, nobody wants that at all.

00:31:10.000 So I don't know what it's going to take to change.

00:31:13.000 I mean, I will tell you that a lot of New Yorkers blame it on Mayor Bloomberg.

00:31:17.000 He's the most hated ex-Mayor Bloomberg.

00:31:20.000 He's the most hated person.

00:31:21.000 Really?

00:31:21.000 More so than the last guy?

00:31:22.000 Then de Blasio?

00:31:24.000 I'm sorry.

00:31:24.000 De Blasio is what I meant to say.

00:31:25.000 I'm sorry.

00:31:25.000 Not Bloomberg.

00:31:26.000 De Blasio is what I meant to say.

00:31:27.000 I'm sorry. 0.95

00:31:28.000 Mayor de Blasio is hated. 0.94

00:31:30.000 He's hated more than Satan. 0.97

00:31:32.000 I was at a gym once in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

00:31:35.000 He was on the elliptical.

00:31:36.000 And he has a security guard standing by him.

00:31:38.000 He was the acting mayor. 0.98

00:31:39.000 And I mean, people were just fucking trashing him as they walked by. 0.98

00:31:43.000 Just, I mean, outwardly trashing him. 0.99

00:31:46.000 Because nobody gives a shit. 1.00

00:31:48.000 One guy was like, you fucking suck! 1.00

00:31:50.000 And by the way, that's a girl's machine! 1.00

00:31:52.000 That's a girl's machine! 1.00

00:31:54.000 That's what they said.

00:31:55.000 And I was like, it's not.

00:31:56.000 Nobody's ever said that to me.

00:31:57.000 I use elliptical machines.

00:31:59.000 I mean, dude, they wouldn't say it to you.

00:32:01.000 But they said it was a girl's machine.

00:32:04.000 And I saw one of his security guards go like this.

00:32:07.000 He did that little laugh.

00:32:10.000 But people hate him, and they blame a lot of what's happened in New York on him. 1.00

00:32:14.000 Well, he was definitely a fool. 1.00

00:32:16.000 Sure. 1.00

00:32:16.000 He was a weird fool. 1.00

00:32:17.000 First of all, that's not his real name, right? 1.00

00:32:19.000 No.

00:32:19.000 He's not Italian.

00:32:20.000 De Blasio's not his real name.

00:32:21.000 It's like some sort of a German name.

00:32:23.000 What's de Blasio's real name?

00:32:24.000 It's like Wilhelm, I think, is it?

00:32:26.000 Yeah, something very, like, Nazi. 0.79

00:32:27.000 Wilhelm Wilhelm.

00:32:28.000 Wilhelm.

00:32:29.000 What's really crazy is that video where he was doing that thing, trying to get people to get vaccinated, and, like, you get a free burger, so he's eating a burger.

00:32:38.000 Does fries come with this?

00:32:40.000 Yeah.

00:32:41.000 Warren Wilhelm Jr., Yeah, and he just divorced his wife, which she also stole, they said, like $80 million or something like that went missing.

00:32:53.000 That's gone.

00:32:54.000 So they hated her.

00:32:56.000 Now they're divorced.

00:32:58.000 It's one of those things, though, where I just got to stay there.

00:33:02.000 It's just home.

00:33:03.000 You have to?

00:33:04.000 Yeah, well, especially after what I told you I just did, I can't now uproot the family to Austin.

00:33:08.000 What, are you thinking about it?

00:33:10.000 Yeah, well, when I come here, I'm like...

00:33:12.000 Are you renting right now?

00:33:13.000 We're renting right now.

00:33:14.000 I can't take my kid out of school, though, again.

00:33:16.000 I can't do it to my...

00:33:17.000 Well, school's almost over.

00:33:18.000 Yeah, but my kids have went to...

00:33:21.000 Now you're making me think about it.

00:33:23.000 Give me an edible.

00:33:23.000 Don't do it.

00:33:24.000 Don't do it.

00:33:25.000 This is only ten? 1.00

00:33:26.000 Because five puts me on my ass. 1.00

00:33:28.000 No, this is only ten. 1.00

00:33:28.000 Should I eat half or eat the whole thing? 1.00

00:33:30.000 Ten, you'll be fine.

00:33:32.000 Are you positive?

00:33:33.000 No.

00:33:33.000 Okay.

00:33:34.000 I'm not positive in anything about you.

00:33:36.000 Thank you.

00:33:37.000 Well, then you like trans girls' feet. 1.00

00:33:39.000 Yeah.

00:33:40.000 I'm pretty positive about that.

00:33:41.000 I don't think you'd lie.

00:33:42.000 I wouldn't lie.

00:33:43.000 That's the one thing about me. 0.99

00:33:44.000 I make shit up. 1.00

00:33:45.000 I exaggerate shit. 1.00

00:33:46.000 A lot of my comedy stories and stuff, exaggerate it. 1.00

00:33:49.000 Right. 0.99

00:33:49.000 When it comes to shit like that, I won't lie. 0.99

00:33:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:51.000 No, I believe you. 1.00

00:33:53.000 Um...

00:33:54.000 This is a good place to live, but I don't think you should uproot your family again.

00:33:59.000 Unless you can convince them.

00:34:00.000 Unless they come here and they really like it.

00:34:02.000 Well, Jasmine, my girl, has told me, you can move us again in five years.

00:34:08.000 Okay?

00:34:09.000 Five years.

00:34:09.000 That's not a good time to move them.

00:34:11.000 That's a bad time.

00:34:13.000 Why?

00:34:13.000 Well, she's saying a 13-year-old will be through high school.

00:34:17.000 Yeah, but then the other one...

00:34:18.000 The 8-year-old will be going into high school.

00:34:20.000 Yeah, you don't want to move them at high school.

00:34:22.000 You don't even think moving them in 8th grade?

00:34:25.000 I think before, this is my personal opinion.

00:34:27.000 I might be wrong.

00:34:29.000 Whoever's listening to this is about to move their kid.

00:34:31.000 Because listen, my family moved me to Newton, Massachusetts from Jamaica Plain for my first year of high school, and it was actually good. 0.97

00:34:38.000 It was good because Jamaica Plain was fucking sketchy.

00:34:41.000 Jamaica Plain, which is nice now, it's like they've done, you know, as Boston expanded, they sort of made They renovated a lot of places. 0.97

00:34:50.000 Jamaica Plain is a much more calm neighborhood. 0.99

00:34:52.000 When I was there in the 1970s, it was sketchy as fuck. 0.99

00:34:57.000 It was sketchy. 0.93

00:34:58.000 I think we moved there in 78 or 79. It was fucking weird. 0.97

00:35:03.000 You know, it was dangerous. 0.99

00:35:04.000 I had dangerous neighbors.

00:35:06.000 These kids were dangerous. 1.00

00:35:07.000 They were already having sex. 0.94

00:35:08.000 Like, I was 11, and they were like...

00:35:10.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:35:10.000 I remember this kid was telling me, like, you don't even know how your dick goes in a pussy. 1.00

00:35:14.000 You probably think it goes in straight. 1.00

00:35:16.000 I'm like, it doesn't?

00:35:17.000 He's like, you know, it goes up.

00:35:18.000 I go, it goes up.

00:35:20.000 What?

00:35:21.000 I thought, you know, I've never seen, like, a girl's... 0.99

00:35:23.000 No girls had ever shown me their vagina when I was 11. But they were trying to explain to me that it's like, I guess I wasn't, I guess I wasn't 11. I guess I was 13. Okay. 0.93

00:35:34.000 So it was like, we only lived in Jamaica Plain for a year and a half.

00:35:40.000 Yeah, I think we moved there before school.

00:35:43.000 I think I went through the summer and then I went to school.

00:35:46.000 It was sketchy.

00:35:49.000 So this is where I went to eighth grade.

00:35:51.000 I went to this like public school in Jamaica Plain.

00:35:54.000 We didn't have any money. 0.94

00:35:55.000 We lived in, it was a shitty area. 0.51

00:35:57.000 But the kids were like 17 in the eighth grade and they would show up for the first days of class then quit. 0.74

00:36:04.000 It was just like they had dropped out so many times.

00:36:08.000 Here they were the age where they should be graduating and they're not even in high school yet.

00:36:13.000 Wow.

00:36:14.000 It was weird.

00:36:15.000 Is that what we think got you into martial arts then?

00:36:17.000 Do you feel like you had to defend yourself in some ways?

00:36:19.000 I definitely felt super vulnerable, but I didn't get into martial arts until the next year.

00:36:24.000 What did you do?

00:36:25.000 Did you lose your virginity first or get into martial arts first?

00:36:28.000 Martial arts.

00:36:29.000 Nice.

00:36:29.000 Yeah.

00:36:30.000 Actual sex sex. 0.99

00:36:31.000 I mean, I'd been fondled by a lady. 1.00

00:36:34.000 She was 21. I was 13. That was a lot of fun.

00:36:37.000 Oh, that's interesting.

00:36:37.000 She's very pretty.

00:36:38.000 Yeah, believe it.

00:36:38.000 But nothing hardcore serious.

00:36:41.000 Not like sex sex until I was like 16. 16?

00:36:44.000 I was 17. 15?

00:36:45.000 I guess I was almost 16. First time I ever had sex, went raw dog, didn't pull out. 0.85

00:36:49.000 Ooh, Jesus. 0.96

00:36:50.000 First time?

00:36:51.000 I didn't know what to do.

00:36:52.000 Oh my goodness.

00:36:52.000 First time.

00:36:52.000 Nobody talked to you?

00:36:53.000 No.

00:36:54.000 Very Catholic family, wouldn't speak to me about these things. 1.00

00:36:57.000 Raw dog, not pulling out.

00:36:58.000 Not pull out.

00:36:59.000 Everyone's so fertile at that age.

00:37:00.000 Dude, and she's half Jamaican, half Italian. 0.86

00:37:03.000 Oh boy.

00:37:03.000 Super fertile.

00:37:05.000 Beautiful girl. 0.99

00:37:05.000 We actually were on the same basketball team playing basketball together and she had already had sex and I was a virgin and we had this sex and unprotected and I'll never forget she was you know she put like a do-rag on she had done this before My mom wasn't home. 0.99

00:37:21.000 She put this do-rag on. 0.99

00:37:23.000 She was ready to go.

00:37:24.000 And then she, you know, I couldn't really, I was so nervous I could barely get an erection. 0.88

00:37:28.000 I just couldn't.

00:37:28.000 It was like impossible.

00:37:29.000 And then finally got it in.

00:37:31.000 And then I finally got it up.

00:37:33.000 And it was, she wrote, dude, two pumps, blew it.

00:37:36.000 She was like, did you just come inside me? 0.78

00:37:38.000 Whoopsies. 0.98

00:37:38.000 And then I had this emotional swing where I immediately started hysterical crying the very first time I had sex. 0.98

00:37:44.000 It was the weirdest thing.

00:37:46.000 I can't explain it.

00:37:47.000 Hysterical crying to the point where she comforted me and then within two weeks broke up.

00:37:54.000 Of course.

00:37:55.000 She probably waited in two weeks. 0.99

00:37:56.000 I couldn't.

00:37:57.000 She was holding her breath.

00:37:58.000 Yeah, and I don't know.

00:37:59.000 My therapist can't tell me why that happened.

00:38:00.000 He's like, that's a rarity.

00:38:01.000 I can't tell you, man.

00:38:02.000 Well, I don't think you should dwell on it. 0.99

00:38:04.000 You were fucking 14 years old. 0.98

00:38:06.000 But it's anxiety. 0.99

00:38:07.000 It's anxiety.

00:38:08.000 So thinking about a thing, and a thing happens, and you're just overwhelmed, and you don't know how to handle it, so you just cry.

00:38:14.000 Anxiety for me is this interesting thing.

00:38:16.000 I know a lot of people suffer from it, but it's this interesting thing where I've connected now.

00:38:21.000 I used to lean into my anxiety, right?

00:38:24.000 Especially doing comedy.

00:38:25.000 I would make it a thing, whatever.

00:38:27.000 I... Pandora's box of anxiety opened up for me on 9-11 because I thought my mom was dead, this whole thing.

00:38:34.000 So I couldn't shake that feeling for 10 years after that.

00:38:37.000 I could not shake the feeling of thinking my mom or anyone I loved, any woman that I loved, girlfriend or mom or aunt, if they did not respond to me within five minutes of a text, I assumed they were dead.

00:38:49.000 That feeling of 9-11 every day came back because I was calling my mom, no response, no response.

00:38:54.000 Every day, coming back, coming back.

00:38:56.000 And so I would deal with that.

00:38:58.000 And then something happened where I started to look at my anxiety like narcissism and like disgusted with myself to the point where, because I used to put out these videos, Anxiety Tuesday, talk about my anxiety and people will still sometimes be like, oh, that Anxiety Tuesday stuff,

00:39:13.000 it helped me so much, why don't you do it anymore?

00:39:14.000 And I'm like, I hate that guy.

00:39:17.000 That guy was so pitiful because you were being worried about things that really didn't matter.

00:39:24.000 What I should have done and what I know now is dealt with that anxiety in a healthier way.

00:39:28.000 So instead of subconsciously, you know, selling my house because I was really nervous about a big show, we've been able to deal with that anxiety in a healthier way and make a better decision.

00:39:37.000 So I think like this relationship with anxiety is so like big and swings in my life that I used to kind of let, I'm trying to use the energy now to be like, well, how can you learn from this?

00:39:48.000 How does this build you up?

00:39:49.000 And how do you make better decisions?

00:39:51.000 You know, by doing this.

00:39:53.000 So I struggle with that.

00:40:12.000 And I would text my girlfriend at the time to make sure she got home from work, you know, whatever, what she was doing.

00:40:20.000 And if she didn't text...

00:40:22.000 I remember there was this one game.

00:40:23.000 We were playing Brooklyn College, which was like a big rival.

00:40:26.000 We needed to beat them.

00:40:27.000 I was, you know, one of the best players on the team.

00:40:33.000 I remember she wasn't texting me back.

00:40:36.000 I foolishly texted her before the game, like when we were in the locker room, and then thinking, okay, we're going to go in for warm-ups.

00:40:42.000 20 minutes, I would have to leave my phone in another room, because the anxiety of, like, is the phone ringing or not, I couldn't handle it.

00:40:50.000 So if I texted her, and then I went and did something else for 20 minutes, I would say, at the end of this 20 minutes, she's going to have a text, she's home, and you can relax.

00:40:57.000 Right?

00:40:58.000 Even though it was pure daylight in New York, like she was always going to be okay.

00:41:02.000 But my brain convinced me otherwise.

00:41:04.000 So one day, she's not texting back.

00:41:07.000 And now the game has begun.

00:41:09.000 So I'm playing this game like I can't even feel my body.

00:41:14.000 Like I am paralyzed.

00:41:16.000 Truly, I cannot feel my body.

00:41:18.000 My mouth is numb.

00:41:20.000 I'm having like a full panic attack, but I am the lead player on a college basketball game that we need to win. 0.99

00:41:25.000 So I don't know, like, what the fuck to do. 0.96

00:41:29.000 So I call a timeout. 0.99

00:41:31.000 I call a timeout.

00:41:32.000 Overrule my coach.

00:41:33.000 I'm like, timeout coach, I just need a breather.

00:41:35.000 Okay.

00:41:35.000 I say, I'm just gonna go back into the training room.

00:41:38.000 I just want to tape my ankle, which is normal.

00:41:40.000 Okay.

00:41:40.000 I come back out, because I wanted to look at my phone.

00:41:43.000 I look at the phone, still no message.

00:41:45.000 Still nothing.

00:41:46.000 You know, turns out it was just a delay on the train, and she, whatever, she's a 21-year-old girl. 0.60

00:41:50.000 She's not looking at her phone all the time.

00:41:52.000 Right.

00:41:52.000 And...

00:41:53.000 I come back and I have the phone stuffed in my pants.

00:41:57.000 I stuffed it in my like tidy shorts and I played the game with the cell phone stuffed in my pants because I said the only way I'd be able to do this is somehow When nobody's looking, even though it's a packed college crowd,

00:42:13.000 pull out this phone and make sure that she texts me or else I can't play.

00:42:17.000 I'm going to be paralyzed and I can't play.

00:42:19.000 So I had it, and then I was playing the game, realizing this is worse, because now I'm waiting for the phone to vibrate, and every time I thought it was vibrating, it wasn't.

00:42:28.000 I was just running in the game.

00:42:28.000 So then I stuffed it in towels and the warm-ups, which was in a pile in the back of the bench, and they would call...

00:42:35.000 Coach would call timeout, or I would call a timeout.

00:42:37.000 I did that twice.

00:42:38.000 And get out, and then I would go over and look at the phone to see if she had texted me.

00:42:45.000 And I dealt with this anxiety.

00:42:47.000 And then what happened was, we were kids, 18, 19. I opened up to one of my friends about it.

00:42:55.000 We used to call him Bam Bam.

00:42:57.000 He's a big boy.

00:42:58.000 And I opened up to him about it, thinking, you know, whatever.

00:43:01.000 And then what they did...

00:43:03.000 Again, back then, not knowing anything about mental health, not really caring, being from deep in Brooklyn. 0.59

00:43:08.000 What they did is they, on a road trip, one time we were going to a game, they found a way to, the star six-seventh called me from an unrestricted, it'll pop up nobody, and they said,

00:43:24.000 the girl's name was Melissa, they were like, hey, we kidnapped Melissa.

00:43:29.000 We have her in the trunk of our car. 0.70

00:43:31.000 She's going to die.

00:43:33.000 Like, everything that I confessed to them, they said.

00:43:36.000 And I had, and it was crazy, my freshman year, when she also played basketball as well that year, when I was a freshman, she was a senior, so we would always be in the same gym at the same time, so I had no anxiety.

00:43:47.000 I was a 90% free throw shooter.

00:43:49.000 9-0.

00:43:50.000 My junior and senior year, when I was a better basketball player in better shape, the leader of the team, but she was not with me every game, 50% free throw shooter, because my brain, I couldn't feel my body.

00:44:02.000 And I somehow got people, my teammates didn't even know this, I got all the way to Division III All-American.

00:44:07.000 I was like, I'm my school's all-time leading scorer, or maybe second now.

00:44:10.000 But I did all this stuff, and I was completely, 100%, absolutely having like this mental health Crisis.

00:44:19.000 As anxious as I could be, I swear, I would never joke about this.

00:44:22.000 I was like at 21 years old being like, I'm gonna have to kill myself.

00:44:26.000 I cannot live like this.

00:44:28.000 And nobody could help me.

00:44:30.000 My mother didn't know what to do. 1.00

00:44:32.000 This was 25, yeah, 20 years ago.

00:44:37.000 There was no mental health.

00:44:38.000 Nobody knew that.

00:44:39.000 Nobody knew about that.

00:44:41.000 I just dealt with every day reliving, I think my girlfriend's dead, I think reliving that 9-11 Pandora's box.

00:44:49.000 And it affected me to the point where every relationship I had, they broke up with me because they were like, I can't deal with this.

00:44:55.000 To them, it was control.

00:44:56.000 And in a way, it was.

00:44:57.000 I was trying to control.

00:44:58.000 I wouldn't care about if they cheated on me. 0.95

00:45:01.000 Where are you?

00:45:02.000 I was never jealous about that.

00:45:03.000 I'd be like, go have fun. 0.93

00:45:04.000 Have sex. 1.00

00:45:04.000 Let me know what big his dick is. 1.00

00:45:05.000 I'm kind of into it. 1.00

00:45:06.000 I don't give a shit. 0.98

00:45:07.000 But I cared about their safety, always. 0.99

00:45:11.000 And it was this thing I could not let go of.

00:45:13.000 And the biggest fear I have, the biggest fear I have, and that's why I'm trying so hard to work at this now, and sometimes it's fucking exhausting, but I'm trying so hard, is I don't want that anxiety to come back, and then I put it on my daughters.

00:45:26.000 Because I don't want them, I don't want to be their 18, 19, want to live their life and dad's here texting them and they don't write back and now I'm thinking, who has my daughter?

00:45:35.000 So I worry about that.

00:45:36.000 That's the first fear I had when I held my oldest daughter, who was, you know, love of my life.

00:45:41.000 I held her and I was like, what's going to happen when she goes outside?

00:45:46.000 Which I know you gotta stay in the present, you can't worry about that, but sometimes it hurts me.

00:45:51.000 How did you get over this everyday crippling anxiety to the point you thought you were gonna kill yourself?

00:45:55.000 How'd you get past that?

00:45:56.000 So what happened was, the only advice that I did get from a friend of mine who's my kid's godfather now, Was like, you are so much better basketball player, which is what I cared about back then.

00:46:08.000 You are such a better basketball player when you're single.

00:46:10.000 When you don't have a girlfriend, you are such a better basketball player, and that's what you need to do.

00:46:15.000 So the only way at that time I could overcome it is to be single and to not connect together.

00:46:20.000 To a girl in any way, shape, or form.

00:46:23.000 Because then, if I was single, I wasn't worried as much.

00:46:27.000 Because my mom always would text me back.

00:46:30.000 Or if I called her, she was always pretty much home.

00:46:32.000 I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding.

00:46:36.000 Because my mom, she is thinking about me all the time.

00:46:38.000 But these girls, rightfully so, would be like, I'm not going to sit here and respond to this behavior. 1.00

00:46:43.000 You know, like, he's nuts. 0.97

00:46:44.000 And I was. 1.00

00:46:45.000 Right.

00:46:46.000 And so that's the only way I could get over it.

00:46:48.000 Now, how I deal with it, like, you know, now my girl's out picking up my kids from school while we're doing the show.

00:46:55.000 I just have a feeling what I think about now is...

00:47:00.000 If something was to happen, I can handle it.

00:47:03.000 I'll be okay.

00:47:05.000 It's going to hurt, but I'll be okay.

00:47:06.000 I've had enough life experiences where things hurt, but you'll be confident you can get through it.

00:47:10.000 And I try as best I can to tell myself, hey, your brain is a defense mechanism.

00:47:15.000 It's always going to give you worst-case scenario for survival.

00:47:18.000 So just know that that worst case scenario is that statistically the least likely thing is going to happen.

00:47:23.000 And if, God forbid, it does happen, you'll be able to deal with it.

00:47:26.000 You can handle it.

00:47:27.000 Where I think the anxiety for me the last time came, I don't know what to do.

00:47:31.000 I don't have the tools to help me if something horrible happens.

00:47:35.000 So life experience, therapy.

00:47:38.000 Yeah, but it's interesting what you said to me about therapy is I felt that way myself.

00:47:43.000 I was like, you know, sometimes I feel like I have, we all have issues, but I'm like, sometimes I'm just like bitching to my therapist and I'm forcing myself to talk about these things that I feel like I have a better handle over from like my own kind of, you know, meditation and just, you know, thinking, you know, like seeking out help for myself,

00:48:00.000 listening to people speak, having life experience.

00:48:02.000 I'm like, you know, I like my therapist, but I'm like, I don't know, man.

00:48:06.000 Sometimes it's like, you don't want to be the guy that's like, I don't need help, because I get it.

00:48:10.000 But I'm like, yeah, I didn't need this today.

00:48:14.000 I feel like you made me nervous again now.

00:48:18.000 Like, I didn't need this at all today.

00:48:19.000 I was okay today.

00:48:20.000 But it's Tuesday, 11, 15, so that's our session.

00:48:23.000 That's what Abigail Schreier was saying.

00:48:25.000 I had her on and she had written a book about therapy in kids and that obsessing about problems sometimes can exacerbate the problem, make them worse.

00:48:34.000 So instead of just like allowing that problem to sort of go away and naturally recover from it, now you just rehash it over and over and over and over.

00:48:44.000 And it becomes a thing that you're concentrating on all the time.

00:48:47.000 And that you're not developing the ability to be resilient.

00:48:51.000 And resilience comes from a lot of things.

00:48:53.000 If you have bad things happen in your life, you can develop anxiety.

00:48:57.000 But also, when bad things happen in your life and you recover from them, you realize you can recover from bad things.

00:49:03.000 Yeah, that's how I feel now.

00:49:04.000 I feel like I'll just, you know, I've been through it.

00:49:07.000 Like, I'm not scared of anesthesia anymore. 0.98

00:49:10.000 I used to be that guy that's scared of anesthesia because I had to get a colonoscopy because I took a shit that looked like it had some blood in it. 0.96

00:49:15.000 And it turned out it was just a bunch of boysenberries. 0.98

00:49:19.000 That's what it was.

00:49:23.000 Every beat?

00:49:23.000 Yeah.

00:49:24.000 Every beat you go into a panic.

00:49:26.000 So I didn't know. 1.00

00:49:27.000 So the doctor, I showed him a picture of my shit. 0.99

00:49:29.000 And he was like, that doesn't look great. 0.99

00:49:30.000 Let's just get a colonoscopy.

00:49:31.000 And I got the anesthesia.

00:49:32.000 And I woke up and everything was fine.

00:49:34.000 And I'm like, well, now I'm not scared.

00:49:36.000 Now I feel...

00:49:36.000 Because a big anxiety for me would be...

00:49:39.000 Okay, I feel a pain in my chest, my stomach, you know, whatever.

00:49:43.000 Like, I had gas once in my stomach, and I had shows in England, and I literally went from literal gas pain, because you were eating all this British food, just a minor gas pain that was going to go away in 10 minutes, to...

00:49:56.000 Brain exacerbated it into potential appendicitis.

00:50:00.000 I'm across the ocean.

00:50:01.000 So now I have three more shows left.

00:50:04.000 So what I'm gonna have to do is figure out a way to get home preemptively.

00:50:07.000 So what I'm gonna do is I called the venue.

00:50:09.000 I said, I have an emergency.

00:50:11.000 They said, what's the emergency?

00:50:12.000 I said, my stepmom died, which wasn't true.

00:50:14.000 And I got on a flight.

00:50:15.000 No!

00:50:16.000 No, you didn't.

00:50:16.000 I swear to God.

00:50:17.000 And I got on a flight.

00:50:18.000 Jesus Christ.

00:50:19.000 Yes, I got on a flight, didn't tell the other people on the show, got on a flight, and got home.

00:50:24.000 And when I landed back at JFK, my stomach pain went away.

00:50:28.000 And it was all in my head to begin with.

00:50:30.000 Because what I was saying was, at that time, was I'm going to get...

00:50:34.000 My appendix removed over here.

00:50:36.000 I might die in the hospital.

00:50:38.000 I don't know how I'll react to anesthesia, but now that wouldn't happen.

00:50:44.000 Now what I would say, if I got an appendicitis feeling right now on the show, what I'd say was, well, if that's going to be the case, you'll deal with it.

00:50:51.000 You know what anesthesia feels like.

00:50:53.000 You won't know about it anyway.

00:50:54.000 We have enough modern medicine here where if this thing got really bad and this was like, you're going to die, You have enough medicine here where you can make this as painless as possible.

00:51:04.000 Were you the headliner of these shows?

00:51:04.000 Yes.

00:51:05.000 Oh my god.

00:51:06.000 They weren't selling, but still.

00:51:08.000 Jesus Christ.

00:51:09.000 I wasn't selling anything, but I still was the headliner.

00:51:12.000 I let people down, and I had to apologize to my stepmom that I said she died.

00:51:16.000 And the other people that were with you, did they fly over there to do those shows too?

00:51:18.000 No, they were from the UK. They were from the UK. But all I ever wanted to do was see the beach in the UK. I've always been obsessed with it.

00:51:25.000 I wanted to see the water in England.

00:51:27.000 And the day I left, they had a beach day.

00:51:29.000 And I left because I was like, I have stomach pains and I flew away because my brain would get the best of me.

00:51:35.000 But now I'm different.

00:51:36.000 Now I say, well, I'll be able to handle this.

00:51:38.000 That's how I feel.

00:51:39.000 Jesus.

00:51:40.000 It's a little nuts, right?

00:51:41.000 It is a little nuts.

00:51:42.000 But it's okay.

00:51:44.000 Yeah.

00:51:46.000 I don't know how to handle that.

00:51:47.000 I know.

00:51:48.000 My brain thinks so different than yours.

00:51:50.000 It's hard for me to...

00:51:52.000 But isn't it interesting that we can both...

00:51:54.000 But both of our outlets are comedy, even though our brains are different.

00:51:57.000 Because it's really a defense...

00:51:58.000 I do comedy because it's a defense mechanism.

00:52:01.000 That's why I do it.

00:52:03.000 It's an art form.

00:52:04.000 It's a discipline.

00:52:05.000 I like it because it's interesting and it's fun.

00:52:07.000 I like it because it makes people laugh and it excites my brain to come up with new stuff to talk about.

00:52:13.000 But when you were young in Jamaica Plains and doing those things, would your defense thing, would you always try to make people laugh from a defensive point of view?

00:52:24.000 No, but if you talked to my friends from high school, they wouldn't have told you I was funny.

00:52:28.000 They thought I was a psycho.

00:52:30.000 Got it.

00:52:31.000 I'd gotten obsessed with martial arts when I got to high school, and that's all I cared about.

00:52:36.000 That's all I wanted to do.

00:52:37.000 But back then, I just was a drawer.

00:52:39.000 I was an illustrator.

00:52:40.000 I did a lot of comic books.

00:52:41.000 Left-handed?

00:52:42.000 Right-handed.

00:52:43.000 You know what me?

00:52:43.000 Many people are good drawers who are right-handed.

00:52:46.000 Really?

00:52:46.000 Most of them are lefties.

00:52:47.000 Well, lefties are really good at a lot of things.

00:52:49.000 Yeah.

00:52:50.000 I think lefties learn things easier.

00:52:52.000 I don't know easier, but they seem to be better at learning things.

00:52:56.000 I mean, this is a gross exaggeration. 1.00

00:52:57.000 There's a lot of lefty morons, I'm sure. 1.00

00:52:59.000 But lefties are really good at boxing. 0.99

00:53:01.000 Like, some of the hardest sparring rounds I ever had to do were with left-handed guys.

00:53:06.000 It's a different angle.

00:53:08.000 You're looking at things totally different.

00:53:09.000 You're open for stuff that you're not...

00:53:11.000 Like, you're open for a straight left.

00:53:13.000 The right jab comes from a different place.

00:53:16.000 It's harder to manage.

00:53:17.000 It's weird.

00:53:18.000 Your brain gets used to a guy with a left hand in front, and you're standing and you're moving around with him. 0.99

00:53:23.000 As soon as the right hand's in front, you're like, oh, shit. 0.99

00:53:26.000 It throws everything off. 0.99

00:53:29.000 They're really good at pool.

00:53:30.000 A lot of world champions are left-handed.

00:53:33.000 Some of the best players in the world are left-handed.

00:53:35.000 Not all of them.

00:53:36.000 A lot of really good right-handers, too.

00:53:37.000 But there's something about left-handed people that they seem to excel at stuff.

00:53:41.000 I've never played pool once in my life.

00:53:43.000 Good, don't do it.

00:53:45.000 It's like golf.

00:53:46.000 Don't get it.

00:53:47.000 Oh, golf either.

00:53:48.000 If you get into it, the problem with pool is if you get into it, it's so engrossing.

00:53:54.000 It just takes over your mind.

00:53:57.000 Everything.

00:53:57.000 It's so difficult to do.

00:54:00.000 People don't understand like to play really good pool requires like this insane level of concentration that's sort of like a meditation.

00:54:08.000 You're thinking about so many things.

00:54:10.000 You're thinking about the exact amount of revolutions you're putting on the ball, the angle that ball is going to come off, what is going to come off with spin.

00:54:17.000 Are you going to put check spin on it so it shortens the angle?

00:54:20.000 Or are you going to put running English on it so it lengthens the angle?

00:54:23.000 Are you going to hit it soft or hard?

00:54:25.000 Where do you want to get for the next shot?

00:54:26.000 And then where do you want to get for the shot after that?

00:54:30.000 Oh my god.

00:54:31.000 I'm out already.

00:54:32.000 Yeah, and it's all this geometry and you have to understand angles and collisions and- What about chess?

00:54:39.000 That's another one.

00:54:40.000 Like, I'm scared to do it.

00:54:41.000 I remember when Howard Stern got really into chess.

00:54:42.000 I was listening to the show and he was taking chess lessons and all these different things.

00:54:47.000 I was like, ooh.

00:54:47.000 That's one of those things like in Boston, one of the things that I noticed is the guys who were really into golf, their careers suffered.

00:54:56.000 Because they weren't really thinking about comedy.

00:54:58.000 They're thinking about playing.

00:54:59.000 They wanted to play golf.

00:55:00.000 Comedy was like their job that they would do so they would have money and then during the day they would play golf.

00:55:05.000 And golf had become their thing.

00:55:06.000 That's interesting because I thought you were going to say it feels like...

00:55:10.000 The guys who I know who play golf have bigger careers because they're making these connections with people on the golf course and getting these things.

00:55:17.000 Well, that could happen too.

00:55:18.000 I mean, that's certainly a business thing.

00:55:20.000 Golf is a great business game.

00:55:21.000 If you're in a business, you kind of almost have to play golf.

00:55:24.000 Because guys like to do deals and talk about things on the course.

00:55:28.000 You get to know a person on a golf course.

00:55:30.000 Just like you get to know a person playing pool.

00:55:32.000 You get to know how they can handle pressure.

00:55:36.000 What kind of a person they are.

00:55:38.000 Like, Brian Callen famously told me this story where his mom was watching this guy that his dad was gonna do business with play golf, and the guy cheated at golf.

00:55:47.000 He moved the ball.

00:55:49.000 And she goes, don't do any business with him.

00:55:50.000 He cheats.

00:55:52.000 Moved that ball. 1.00

00:55:53.000 He's a liar. 1.00

00:55:54.000 Like, she was right. 1.00

00:55:56.000 Turned out she was right. 0.77

00:55:57.000 But there's a thing that you could see when a person plays pool or plays golf.

00:56:01.000 You see their character.

00:56:02.000 Yeah, that's like my father has a rule.

00:56:04.000 If you grew up in a city and you're not a fan of that team, you're a fan of a team from another city, he doesn't trust you.

00:56:13.000 And he never will.

00:56:14.000 He just won't.

00:56:15.000 And it has nothing to do with his team.

00:56:18.000 That makes sense.

00:56:19.000 He just says, what kind of traitor of a person are you that you want to live around people who hate you because of your fan choice?

00:56:24.000 Unless, he said, the only caveat to that is if their father was from, like, Pittsburgh, and you're a Dire Art Steelers fan, you moved to New York, I get that.

00:56:33.000 But if you're just...

00:56:35.000 You're the guy that just wants to go against the grain.

00:56:37.000 His advice is, no thank you.

00:56:40.000 I want nothing to do with you.

00:56:41.000 That's pretty good advice.

00:56:42.000 That's a pretty good rule to live by.

00:56:44.000 Sure.

00:56:44.000 That's like someone who's in your tribe that secretly wants to be in another tribe.

00:56:47.000 Yeah.

00:56:48.000 The only thing me and my father disagree on is, like, right now I'm wearing a Mets shirt, right? 0.62

00:56:52.000 And the only reason I'm wearing this is because, I'm going to be honest with you, I jerked off today.

00:56:58.000 I was coming in a little heavy.

00:56:59.000 I was a little anxious.

00:57:01.000 Whatever happens.

00:57:03.000 And then I kind of just let it sit there on me.

00:57:06.000 And I got up and the shirt that I had was at the edge of my bed that I was going to wear.

00:57:12.000 And I got up and it just leaked.

00:57:14.000 It fell onto the shirt.

00:57:15.000 So I was like, this is the only shirt I have. 0.99

00:57:17.000 So I threw in a Mets shirt, knowing that some of my friends back home are going to be like, are you a fucking Mets fan now? 0.99

00:57:23.000 Or are you a Yankees fan? 1.00

00:57:25.000 How dumb is that? 1.00

00:57:26.000 Because they're both from New York. 0.99

00:57:27.000 That's my thing.

00:57:28.000 For me, I'm New York.

00:57:30.000 I root for New York.

00:57:31.000 But Mets is like people who use Android phones.

00:57:33.000 Yes.

00:57:34.000 Like you're a rebel.

00:57:34.000 Yes.

00:57:36.000 It's true.

00:57:37.000 It's true.

00:57:38.000 Dude, you know why I'm a Mets fan?

00:57:40.000 I was born in Queens.

00:57:41.000 My father's from the Bronx, not a Yankees fan.

00:57:42.000 But Mets fan, the owner of the team, Steve Cohen, right?

00:57:45.000 He's, you know, big owner, you know, whatever.

00:57:47.000 Really nice guy.

00:57:48.000 I did, in the pandemic, I did...

00:57:52.000 His 60th birthday party.

00:57:53.000 A private party, right?

00:57:55.000 In a room like this. 0.99

00:57:56.000 Did it suck? 0.99

00:57:57.000 Here's what happened. 0.99

00:58:05.000 I can't wait for this one!

00:58:10.000 Okay, so here's what happened.

00:58:15.000 I get a call, right?

00:58:20.000 We're gonna do this show.

00:58:21.000 What happened was, Jasmine, my family's Puerto Rican.

00:58:25.000 My kids are Puerto Rican.

00:58:26.000 I have material about having this Puerto Rican family, right?

00:58:29.000 Steve's wife is Puerto Rican, okay?

00:58:31.000 They have his 60th birthday party, And what I thought the birthday party was going to be was him and his family.

00:58:39.000 I'll do my Puerto Rican jokes. 1.00

00:58:41.000 You know, the wife will like it. 0.60

00:58:42.000 You know, whatever.

00:58:43.000 It's 20 minutes.

00:58:44.000 You know, great money.

00:58:45.000 It's, you know, cool opportunity.

00:58:47.000 Do it.

00:58:48.000 It's a challenge, right?

00:58:49.000 It's the pandemic.

00:58:49.000 Not much going on.

00:58:50.000 They rented out this restaurant.

00:58:52.000 Nobody's supposed to know about it.

00:58:53.000 It's like in the back room thing.

00:58:55.000 So I go.

00:58:56.000 So I get there, and it's him and his 10 friends.

00:59:01.000 All guys.

00:59:03.000 Just all guys sitting at a table like this having dinner, they do not know comedy is supposed to happen.

00:59:07.000 The wife thought it'd be a good idea to get a comedian in there for his 60th birthday that she wasn't invited to because this was a guy's thing. 1.00

00:59:15.000 And so a 60-year-old billionaire doesn't know who the fuck I am. 0.97

00:59:20.000 If you're gonna have comedy, have Jerry Seinfeld, have Joe Rogan, have somebody that they know. 0.99

00:59:26.000 They have no idea.

00:59:28.000 So the guy who, you know, was like Steve's assistant, who, you know, has to answer to his wife, I think his name was Ned.

00:59:35.000 He goes, um, are you the comedian?

00:59:38.000 I was like, yeah.

00:59:39.000 He goes, all right.

00:59:40.000 He goes, what's your name again?

00:59:41.000 And I was like, it's Chris DiStefano.

00:59:43.000 I thought Mrs. Cohen knew me.

00:59:45.000 He was like, yeah, she's not here.

00:59:48.000 It's all guys in there.

00:59:50.000 I said, well, do you not want me to do it?

00:59:51.000 He goes, no, she already paid you.

00:59:53.000 You have to do it.

00:59:55.000 So I was like, okay.

00:59:56.000 So I was like, well, just show me where the microphone is.

00:59:59.000 He was like, we don't have anything.

01:00:00.000 There's no microphone.

01:00:01.000 There's no lights.

01:00:03.000 He goes, we were thinking.

01:00:04.000 He goes...

01:00:06.000 He goes, they just got served their entrees, so we were thinking you can just stand in the front of the table and do a few minutes.

01:00:12.000 So I was like, you know that this is a nightmare.

01:00:15.000 And he was like, it doesn't feel like they're going to like you.

01:00:25.000 Oh my god.

01:00:27.000 My hands are sweating for you.

01:00:30.000 So Ned goes, listen, they just got the entrees.

01:00:33.000 Just go out there.

01:00:34.000 And so I swear to god, I told him my name three times.

01:00:39.000 He goes, all right, Steve, your wife had a nice little surprise for you.

01:00:44.000 We got a comedian.

01:00:45.000 We got a fun comedian.

01:00:48.000 And he goes, so here he is.

01:00:51.000 And he goes, Chris.

01:00:53.000 And then one of the guys went, Chris Rock?

01:00:54.000 Is it Chris Rock?

01:00:55.000 And then he goes, no, it's not Chris Rock.

01:00:58.000 It's Chris...

01:01:00.000 What's your last name, kid?

01:01:01.000 And I was like, uh, DiStefano. 0.99

01:01:03.000 And then as I'm walking in, somebody goes, who the fuck is that? 0.95

01:01:06.000 And so I walk in, and I get up there right away, and I was like, hey, guys, I know this is probably not what you wanted. 0.97

01:01:14.000 I can leave right now, but I have, you know, if you want me to do some jokes, like, you know, I'll do them right now.

01:01:23.000 And then one guy was like, yeah, do it.

01:01:25.000 He goes, but make it quick.

01:01:27.000 So I was like, okay, this is good. 0.99

01:01:28.000 So I go out there, and Joe, I am fucking bombing like you can't imagine. 0.98

01:01:34.000 Like a full zero. 0.99

01:01:35.000 All you hear is knives and forks hitting the plate, people chewing.

01:01:39.000 At some point, I don't know who threw it, a shrimp bounced off my chest.

01:01:43.000 Somebody hit me with a shrimp, and they're dying in the back of the table.

01:01:46.000 Tommy Mottola was there, you know, the famous record producer, and, you know, was married to Mariah Carey.

01:01:55.000 So I go, oh, Mr. Mottoli, you know, I'm a big fan, you know, of your ex-wife.

01:02:01.000 You know, I love her work. 0.99

01:02:03.000 He goes, yeah, I bet you're a big fan of cock, too! 0.99

01:02:05.000 Big laugh, you know, like, I'm like, oh my God! 0.99

01:02:08.000 So then finally, the only person laughing...

01:02:10.000 Tommy Mottoli dunked on you and got the biggest laugh in the room?

01:02:13.000 Crushed.

01:02:15.000 The only person laughing is Steve's son, who's 30 years old, who's become a friend of mine, Josh, great guy.

01:02:20.000 He's laughing in the corner.

01:02:22.000 Not at my material, just because he knew my podcast. 0.97

01:02:24.000 He was like, oh my god, this sucks!

01:02:28.000 So then Steve finally goes, he goes, listen to me. 0.98

01:02:31.000 He stops.

01:02:32.000 He goes, I'm doing a joke.

01:02:34.000 He wasn't very nice.

01:02:35.000 He goes, okay.

01:02:36.000 He goes, uh...

01:02:37.000 What did my wife tell you?

01:02:39.000 And I said, well, you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here, birthday gift for you, you know, do 15 minutes and, you know, like just, you know, just do the best I can.

01:02:50.000 And she thought you'd like me because I talk about the Puerto Rican kids and all that.

01:02:53.000 He goes, yeah, yeah, that's I'm not Puerto Rican, though.

01:02:55.000 I was like, no, I know.

01:02:56.000 I know.

01:02:56.000 And he goes, how about this?

01:02:58.000 I'll make you a deal.

01:02:59.000 He goes, what are your five best minutes?

01:03:01.000 And I said, well, I did the David Letterman show a few years ago.

01:03:05.000 He goes, oh, I know David Letterman.

01:03:06.000 I said, yeah.

01:03:07.000 He said, why don't you do that?

01:03:09.000 And he goes, do that.

01:03:11.000 Do those five best.

01:03:13.000 He goes, I'm going to tell my guys to listen.

01:03:14.000 Do those five best.

01:03:15.000 He goes, if you can get me to laugh in those five minutes, I'll double whatever my wife gave you.

01:03:22.000 He goes, did you get it already?

01:03:23.000 I said, yeah, I think she wired it to my agent.

01:03:24.000 He goes, I'll double it, whatever it is.

01:03:27.000 I don't even know what the number is.

01:03:28.000 Times two, give me your best five.

01:03:30.000 So I just like planted my feet and I just, to the wall, didn't even look at anybody, just did my exact David Letterman set, which is about being on the subway.

01:03:39.000 I just came back from England like shit from 10 years ago, but I had it and I did it. 0.99

01:03:43.000 And they started to laugh and sure as shit. 0.99

01:03:45.000 That's what he did. 0.99

01:03:46.000 He doubled the money, turned out to be a big thing, you know, for me.

01:03:51.000 And then, what happened was, is I had to sign all these NDAs, not to talk about anything.

01:03:58.000 But you just talked about it.

01:03:59.000 Well, here's the thing.

01:04:10.000 I had to sign all these NDAs.

01:04:12.000 Not to talk about it.

01:04:13.000 But I thought I had to sign NDAs because it was during COVID times and they were like renting out a restaurant, which like you really couldn't do back then.

01:04:19.000 So I was like, just don't mention that.

01:04:21.000 And I was like, and I thought it was really more for like, you know, they don't want reporters showing up to the actual event and them getting in trouble.

01:04:29.000 But it's like, the next day, who cares?

01:04:31.000 So I do my podcast the next day, Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano. 0.98

01:04:34.000 And I start the show with, dude, I fucking ate it last night. 0.85

01:04:39.000 Here's the story, right? 0.99

01:04:40.000 Going crazy.

01:04:41.000 That episode comes out the next day.

01:04:43.000 We filmed it in the morning.

01:04:44.000 It came out that night.

01:04:45.000 So the next morning, so two days removed from the Cohen gig, I wake up.

01:04:49.000 I have 20 missed calls from my manager, my agent, lawyer.

01:04:55.000 I wake up. 0.99

01:04:55.000 I'm like, what the fuck happened? 0.99

01:04:57.000 So my manager gets on the phone. 0.99

01:04:59.000 He goes, take down that episode, dude.

01:05:02.000 Take it down.

01:05:02.000 I said, what?

01:05:03.000 He goes, you violated the NDA. You just said all these things about the Cohen gig.

01:05:10.000 You can't do that.

01:05:11.000 His lawyers are saying you're going to get sued right now and they're going to take you to court and they will not lose.

01:05:16.000 And so I just hung up the phone on him.

01:05:19.000 I was like, I need a second.

01:05:20.000 And I just hung up. 0.99

01:05:21.000 I said, what the fuck do I do? 1.00

01:05:22.000 Because I'm like, I'm not taking that shit down. 1.00

01:05:24.000 It's comedy, whatever. 0.99

01:05:26.000 And then so I'm like, let me calm down.

01:05:28.000 Let me calm down.

01:05:29.000 So I'm scrolling on Instagram, right?

01:05:31.000 This is what we do.

01:05:32.000 Baseline. 1.00

01:05:33.000 Scrolling on Instagram like a fucking crocodile. 1.00

01:05:34.000 I'm scrolling and I see DMs from Steve's wife, Steve's daughter, Steve's son. 1.00

01:05:43.000 And I'm... 0.99

01:05:44.000 Hearts like this now, I'm like, oh, maybe I am fucked. 0.97

01:05:47.000 Because like now the family themselves, it was all... 0.99

01:05:50.000 I can't believe you talked about it.

01:05:51.000 Hey, babe, we loved it.

01:05:53.000 That's amazing.

01:05:54.000 My dad's dying laughing.

01:05:56.000 Come to a Mets game.

01:05:57.000 Throw out the first pitch.

01:05:59.000 The mom being like, I want to meet your wife.

01:06:01.000 Oh, my God.

01:06:02.000 Thanks for mentioning that. 0.99

01:06:03.000 And I'm like, wait, what the fuck? 0.99

01:06:05.000 So I call my... 0.99

01:06:06.000 And I'm like, I have messages from the family saying that it's okay.

01:06:11.000 And then he's like, all right, hold on.

01:06:12.000 And then he calls.

01:06:13.000 He says, send me those messages.

01:06:15.000 I sent him the messages.

01:06:15.000 And then within five minutes, lawyers backed off because Steve didn't tell them to do that.

01:06:20.000 The legal team was just like, that's a violation.

01:06:23.000 I don't even check with Steve. 1.00

01:06:25.000 You fucked up. 1.00

01:06:26.000 And then it went away like that. 1.00

01:06:27.000 And then the family now has become like friends of mine.

01:06:31.000 It's like really, the Cohen family owns the Mets are like awesome, amazing people.

01:06:34.000 It's like, it's almost, even though it's a big Major League Baseball team, it's like when you go to the game, it's like, Josh, you don't even need a ticket, dude.

01:06:40.000 Come walk in the back door.

01:06:41.000 Walk in with us.

01:06:42.000 Like, so cool.

01:06:43.000 And then Steve goes, I'm going to let you redeem yourself.

01:06:47.000 In the baseball season.

01:06:49.000 He goes, I'm gonna let you redeem yourself, okay?

01:06:50.000 I was just at the game.

01:06:52.000 And he goes, here's what we'll do.

01:06:53.000 He goes, it looks like rain.

01:06:55.000 He was like, if there's a rain delay, I'm gonna give you the mic, I'm gonna put you on the Jumbotron, and you do five minutes.

01:07:05.000 I said, you want me to do five minutes to cold, wet Mets fans that are angry about the team not playing?

01:07:14.000 He was like, do you want to redeem yourself or not?

01:07:16.000 And I was like, I'll do it.

01:07:19.000 So...

01:07:22.000 I think it's on my Instagram somewhere. 1.00

01:07:24.000 So I'm wearing, dude, the worst shirt, like a floral printed stupid shirt. 1.00

01:07:29.000 My friends, I was sitting in the owner's suite, right? 1.00

01:07:32.000 My friends are diehard Mets fans.

01:07:35.000 They were sitting in the stands for this.

01:07:36.000 They didn't know this was happening.

01:07:37.000 So rain delay comes.

01:07:38.000 They have the Mets announcer, again, who messes up my name, called me Chris Destelopoulos.

01:07:43.000 I'll never forget that.

01:07:43.000 She goes, Chris Destelopoulos.

01:07:45.000 She goes, I was going to do a few minutes of comedy for you.

01:07:48.000 And then the camera's just on me.

01:07:50.000 And I don't even have a mic.

01:07:52.000 You know one of those mics that you pin to your shirts? 0.96

01:07:54.000 So I had that.

01:07:55.000 So I was like doing that bit where I was like, and I'm bombing.

01:08:01.000 Horrifically, horrifically bombing in front of, you know, 30,000 where when I got Steve Cohen,

01:08:17.000 by the way, and his friends are dying, dying laughing because they knew that that was going to happen.

01:08:23.000 And then Steve goes, he goes, you're all right, man.

01:08:25.000 You're good.

01:08:26.000 You're all right.

01:08:27.000 And then I got all these texts of my friends.

01:08:29.000 My boy, Pat, was like, dude, I was in the stands for that.

01:08:32.000 Like, you know, we're huddled under.

01:08:33.000 He goes, you were bombing. 1.00

01:08:34.000 He goes, I heard multiple people say they were going to unfollow you on Instagram for this shit. 1.00

01:08:40.000 And he goes, it was so bad. 1.00

01:08:42.000 He goes, it was literally so bad.

01:08:43.000 He said there was a little kid started to cry.

01:08:46.000 It was horrific. 1.00

01:08:48.000 And he goes, and your shirt fucking sucked. 1.00

01:08:50.000 And I was like, and so it was one of those moments. 0.99

01:08:55.000 But I say all that to say, that's why I wear the Mets shirt.

01:08:58.000 I'm New York first.

01:08:58.000 And the Cohen family is awesome.

01:09:01.000 And the Mets are awesome.

01:09:02.000 And yeah, it was like one of those things where a bad thing turned into a good thing.

01:09:09.000 That's hilarious.

01:09:10.000 Dude, it was, dude, bombing, like Joe.

01:09:13.000 The one at Citi Field was worse.

01:09:15.000 I mean, that was worse because not only, like, I was in the control room.

01:09:19.000 When did you, how, between knowing you were going to have to do it and doing it, how much time was it?

01:09:24.000 Less than five minutes.

01:09:25.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:26.000 Jamie, is there a way if you could, like, Chris DiStefano, Mets game, bombing, flower shirt?

01:09:32.000 I put it on my Instagram.

01:09:34.000 I don't know if you could be able to find it, but.

01:09:36.000 Oh, my God, my abs.

01:09:37.000 But, dude, it was, it was.

01:09:41.000 And you know what was the worst part?

01:09:43.000 Is I was sitting in the control room, that's where they had me go live from, and I was bombing for the people in the control room.

01:09:48.000 They were just, like, looking at me, and then they were still doing the thing, like, when are we back from rain delay?

01:09:52.000 I was, like, doing a bit, like, you know, like, doing, like, a clean bit, and they were like, what was it?

01:09:56.000 Is the storm coming in?

01:09:57.000 Not listening.

01:09:58.000 And then at one point, I was in the middle of my bit, and the guy was like, buddy, shh.

01:10:04.000 I'm listening to the MLB. And I was like, oh my god.

01:10:07.000 And I fucking ate it. 0.99

01:10:09.000 But they were pretty nice to me. 0.99

01:10:13.000 They've been pretty nice to me.

01:10:15.000 But it was bad.

01:10:17.000 And my friend Josh tells me, he goes, yeah, dude, you've eaten it as bad as you can eat it.

01:10:24.000 Wow.

01:10:25.000 Then they had me come out for a fundraiser.

01:10:27.000 This was like in a comedy club. 0.99

01:10:28.000 I fucking bombed that. 0.99

01:10:30.000 And I was just like... 0.99

01:10:31.000 In a comedy club?

01:10:32.000 Not a comedy club.

01:10:33.000 It was the Paramount Theater.

01:10:35.000 It was like a fundraiser.

01:10:36.000 But I had come out.

01:10:38.000 It's that classic thing where the one comic they have that nobody knows about comes out.

01:10:44.000 And I came out right after the video of the fundraiser for the kids with cancer.

01:10:48.000 And the mom and dad who lost their child to cancer.

01:10:51.000 And then I have to come out...

01:10:53.000 And just be like, let's forget about that and do this.

01:10:56.000 And then they had these polar bears on stage that were like raffled off.

01:11:00.000 They were like $1,000 stuffed animal polar bears for Pete Alonzo.

01:11:03.000 They call him the polar bears, the best player on the Mets.

01:11:05.000 And I didn't know that.

01:11:07.000 So I was bombing so hard for the thing.

01:11:08.000 I just started throwing these polar bears into the crowd just to be funny.

01:11:11.000 And they were like, that was $5,000 worth of raffle gifts you just threw into the crowd now.

01:11:16.000 And I was like, um, sorry?

01:11:19.000 I don't know what to do.

01:11:20.000 And then they were like, well, I don't know.

01:11:22.000 Like, you might have to pay for that.

01:11:23.000 Like, you know, and then I was like, all right, Mina, I guess if I have to do it, I'm sorry. 1.00

01:11:27.000 And then, again, his dad was like, fuck it, dude. 0.99

01:11:30.000 It's polar bears. 1.00

01:11:31.000 Just let him keep it.

01:11:31.000 He was like, that might have been the worst one of all three.

01:11:34.000 I was like, thanks.

01:11:35.000 Oh, boy.

01:11:36.000 But they still like me.

01:11:39.000 You gotta say no to some gigs.

01:11:41.000 I do now.

01:11:42.000 Now I do.

01:11:42.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

01:11:44.000 Now I do.

01:11:44.000 You can't do either one of those three things.

01:11:47.000 You can't go on after a video about kids with cancer.

01:11:50.000 You can't go on during a rain delay when people don't know a comedian's coming.

01:11:54.000 And you're talking into this thing, and you can't do that.

01:11:58.000 You can't do a guy's birthday party with a billionaire's birthday party with no mic.

01:12:03.000 They don't know you're coming, and they don't know who you are.

01:12:06.000 You can't do either of those things.

01:12:07.000 Yeah, I wouldn't now, but back then, I mean, it was...

01:12:11.000 How long ago was this?

01:12:13.000 The pandemic.

01:12:14.000 It's like 2021. The world started to open up a little bit.

01:12:19.000 And how about this?

01:12:21.000 This is what I don't like.

01:12:24.000 I just like the Mets.

01:12:28.000 I like New York.

01:12:28.000 But because I've talked about the Mets and went to Mets games, the Yankees people used to give me tickets, won't give me tickets to the game anymore.

01:12:34.000 They said, you're either with them or us.

01:12:35.000 I was like, that's kind of a dickish move.

01:12:37.000 Why? 0.64

01:12:37.000 Wow. 0.64

01:12:38.000 You won't let me go to Yankee games, you know?

01:12:40.000 They won't give you tickets anymore?

01:12:42.000 They say you're either with them or us?

01:12:43.000 Yeah, I used to be like...

01:12:44.000 My thing is, what I've always cared about is, like, I want to be...

01:12:47.000 I love New York, right?

01:12:48.000 I want to be the New York...

01:12:49.000 Like a Colin Quinn.

01:12:50.000 I look up to Colin.

01:12:52.000 He's the New York comic.

01:12:53.000 Dave Attell.

01:12:54.000 These are the guys, right?

01:12:54.000 So that's the aspiration.

01:12:56.000 So, like, going to the sporting events and people being like, Chrissy!

01:12:59.000 Like, all that stuff means everything to me.

01:13:00.000 I mean, I want to sell out Milwaukee, too, but it's not...

01:13:03.000 If it happens...

01:13:04.000 This is it?

01:13:04.000 Okay.

01:13:05.000 No, no, that's not it.

01:13:06.000 That's not it. 1.00

01:13:06.000 That's just me being an asshole. 1.00

01:13:09.000 That wasn't it. 1.00

01:13:10.000 Go back to...

01:13:10.000 This must have been 21 or 22. I'm sorry.

01:13:13.000 If you have someone...

01:13:14.000 Jamie will find it.

01:13:14.000 Yeah.

01:13:14.000 Jamie will find it.

01:13:15.000 It's me on the Jumbo.

01:13:17.000 It's like I'm on the Jumbotron with a floral print shirt. 1.00

01:13:20.000 I look like a real asshole. 1.00

01:13:23.000 But yeah, they won't... 1.00

01:13:25.000 That's crazy with the Yankees.

01:13:26.000 They won't do it.

01:13:27.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:13:28.000 They won't do it. 0.87

01:13:29.000 That's silly.

01:13:30.000 So, whatever. 0.82

01:13:31.000 I still root for them.

01:13:32.000 They're not even the same league. 1.00

01:13:33.000 It's dumb. 1.00

01:13:34.000 It's dumb. 1.00

01:13:35.000 One's American League, one's National League. 0.99

01:13:37.000 Exactly.

01:13:37.000 Mets are National League, right?

01:13:38.000 So what is that?

01:13:40.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:13:41.000 I don't know.

01:13:42.000 I mean, because, you know, you just deal with it.

01:13:44.000 But what's the beautiful thing about comedy is, you know, when you put out the comedy work or the podcast is the players, the actual Yankee players, Anthony Rizzo, these guys, they've reached out and been like, oh, I like that bit.

01:13:54.000 So they're like, text me if you want tickets.

01:13:56.000 So that's good now.

01:13:57.000 They'll let you in.

01:13:58.000 So they'll let me in.

01:13:59.000 But these, you know, the PR people who would give you the nice tickets, they said, that's not happening anymore for the Yankees, for the Mets. 0.98

01:14:05.000 The Mets were like, dude, we'll give you fucking dirt from the field, whatever you want. 0.91

01:14:09.000 So I kind of, you know, you go to where you're wanted, right? 0.99

01:14:12.000 That's just a normal life thing.

01:14:13.000 Sure.

01:14:14.000 Go where you're wanted.

01:14:15.000 Yeah, Mets people are rebels.

01:14:17.000 Rebels, dude.

01:14:18.000 But it was...

01:14:20.000 Because people don't even think about the Mets outside of New York.

01:14:22.000 No, people think like the Mets.

01:14:24.000 Yankees.

01:14:24.000 Like, if you think about New York, baseball, Yankees.

01:14:27.000 That's what everybody thinks outside of New York.

01:14:29.000 But in New York, it's the only place where people care about the Mets.

01:14:32.000 And you know what?

01:14:33.000 The Mets, I would say, the Mets fan base is a more rabid fan base than the Yankees.

01:14:40.000 The Mets, the Mets are, they will follow you anywhere, Mets fans.

01:14:46.000 Like the Chicago, like Chicago.

01:14:48.000 Cubs.

01:14:48.000 The Cubs.

01:14:48.000 Everybody loves the Cubs.

01:14:49.000 Yeah.

01:14:50.000 Even though they couldn't win.

01:14:51.000 Everybody still loved the Cubs.

01:14:53.000 Yeah, everyone loves it.

01:14:54.000 This edible is hitting me, by the way.

01:14:56.000 Chicago has the White Sox, too, though, right?

01:14:58.000 The White Sox, but they're kind of in the not good part of town, supposedly.

01:15:03.000 And the White Sox fans, like the Cubs, it's the Cubs are the Yankees in that city.

01:15:09.000 And are the White Sox the Mets?

01:15:11.000 The White Sox would be the Mets.

01:15:12.000 Yeah.

01:15:13.000 So it's kind of that thing.

01:15:14.000 Not a whole lot of cities have two teams.

01:15:16.000 How many cities have two teams?

01:15:17.000 In baseball, well, the Dodgers and the Angels, but the Angels are so far outside, but that's one.

01:15:23.000 Anaheim, right?

01:15:24.000 Yeah.

01:15:24.000 New York and Chicago.

01:15:25.000 That's really all I can think of.

01:15:27.000 And same with basketball.

01:15:30.000 Nobody really cares about the Brooklyn Nets.

01:15:32.000 It's all about the Knicks.

01:15:33.000 But LA is just the Dodgers.

01:15:35.000 Like, Anaheim is a different spot.

01:15:37.000 Right.

01:15:38.000 That's almost like San Diego.

01:15:40.000 Yeah, it's far.

01:15:40.000 You know?

01:15:41.000 Anaheim's far.

01:15:42.000 San Diego's got a team, too, though.

01:15:43.000 They do, yeah.

01:15:44.000 The Padres, baby.

01:15:45.000 The San Diego fathers.

01:15:46.000 I love San Diego.

01:15:47.000 Me, too. 1.00

01:15:47.000 I heard San Diego's fucked now, though. 1.00

01:15:49.000 My friends who used to live there say it's fucked. 1.00

01:15:51.000 They went back. 1.00

01:15:52.000 It's fucking tense everywhere and chaos. 0.99

01:15:54.000 Really? 0.99

01:15:54.000 Because I thought they were like the American Freedom First type Southern California city. 0.99

01:15:59.000 That's interesting.

01:16:00.000 Well, there's a lot of military there.

01:16:02.000 I mean, that's the base of that.

01:16:04.000 Right.

01:16:05.000 Navy SEALs, right?

01:16:06.000 Yeah.

01:16:06.000 There's a lot of bases there.

01:16:07.000 We did UFCs down there.

01:16:09.000 Because it was always a place where there's military bases, a lot of military.

01:16:16.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

01:16:17.000 But then there's always fucking weirdos, you know? 0.99

01:16:20.000 Like Southern California, you know? 0.99

01:16:22.000 And there's more of them than there are the military people. 0.98

01:16:25.000 Yeah, I... And they vote in shitty politicians, and... 0.98

01:16:28.000 I know. 1.00

01:16:28.000 And they let tents and all that shit happen. 1.00

01:16:30.000 How bad is San Diego now? 0.99

01:16:33.000 I heard it. 0.99

01:16:33.000 My buddy who just got back there, I mean, he said it was fucking awful. 0.99

01:16:37.000 Yeah, if they have the tents, that's not good. 0.92

01:16:39.000 He used to live there, and he bailed. 0.78

01:16:41.000 They realized, like, during the pandemic, we gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:16:43.000 Dude, my fucking feet are numb now. 0.99

01:16:45.000 From what? 1.00

01:16:46.000 The edible, dude.

01:16:47.000 I'm telling you, I can't.

01:16:48.000 It just hits me.

01:16:50.000 I don't know if it's what it is, but it's my feet are numb.

01:16:55.000 Don't think about it.

01:16:56.000 You think about yourself a lot.

01:16:57.000 Which is selfish and narcissistic, and I don't like it about myself.

01:17:02.000 Can you just stop doing it while it's happening?

01:17:05.000 Or does it overcome you?

01:17:09.000 But that's why I was thinking that maybe you needed another thing to think about.

01:17:13.000 Like another thing that you're into.

01:17:15.000 Like a thing that's like totally non-career related.

01:17:18.000 Like painting or cooking.

01:17:21.000 Something.

01:17:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:17:22.000 Something.

01:17:23.000 Somewhere you really get into that thing.

01:17:25.000 Where you think about that thing and like being better at that thing.

01:17:28.000 What about playing basketball again?

01:17:29.000 Sure.

01:17:29.000 That's a great one.

01:17:30.000 That's also a good one too because it's physical.

01:17:33.000 And I think the things that you get into that are physical require even more because it requires not just thinking, but it requires like execution.

01:17:42.000 There's like a physical thing that you have to do.

01:17:44.000 Yeah, I was going to do boxing a few years ago and then the very first day I was there, a guy got into the ring and sparred and he was, you know, kind of being really like, you know, Macho guy.

01:17:56.000 And he was like, I'm not wearing a cup.

01:17:58.000 And the trainer was like, we should wear a cup.

01:18:01.000 He's like, I'm not doing it.

01:18:02.000 I'm not wearing a cup.

01:18:02.000 I'm not wearing a headgear.

01:18:03.000 He got hit in the nuts and his testicle came out of the scrotum. 0.99

01:18:07.000 So that was my first 20 minutes there. 0.99

01:18:09.000 So I was like, I'm probably not going to do this, even though I know that that's not most likely going to happen to me because I would wear the cup.

01:18:16.000 But I was like, I just was like, you know what?

01:18:17.000 If you see a man's testicle fall out of his nutsack, You're probably not gonna go back to do that thing just because you're just, you know, it just gives you, it makes you uncomfortable.

01:18:26.000 But that's what happened to me.

01:18:28.000 But I do want to, I do envy, I do feel like I should know about MMA because not only is it such a cool sport you can defend yourself, also in the comedy community, It's big.

01:18:41.000 I mean, the only fight I ever went to was a PFL fight, that league, at the theater at Madison Square Garden.

01:18:49.000 And the fans, they were, you know, I had never been, I don't know anything about MMA. It was a lot of recognition from the pods because they were like, it's all one community.

01:18:57.000 And so I was like, this could be my golf.

01:19:00.000 This should be my golf.

01:19:01.000 This is what you should get into, not comparing that.

01:19:04.000 That would be very good for your anxiety, though, for sure.

01:19:07.000 Because it's very difficult.

01:19:09.000 So it makes the rest of the day a lot easier.

01:19:11.000 Because when I tried one jujitsu class and I felt like I don't even know how I don't blow out my knee.

01:19:19.000 It's a statistical impossibility I won't blow out my knee.

01:19:22.000 I'm gonna, of course, this guy's gonna fall me and I'm gonna blow out my knee.

01:19:25.000 But do you just deal with that and say, I'll get over that?

01:19:28.000 Or you just learn ways to not blow out your knee?

01:19:30.000 Well, I've had my knee blown out.

01:19:32.000 I've had three knee operations.

01:19:33.000 So I'm just going to have to accept that if I want to move forward in MMA, you're going to blow your knee out.

01:19:37.000 Not necessarily.

01:19:38.000 You can also strengthen your knees to make sure that it doesn't happen as often.

01:19:42.000 There's a lot of stuff you could do to mitigate that.

01:19:46.000 Also, just roll cautiously and be smart about it and don't roll with crazy people.

01:19:51.000 You see wild people that are just like way too aggressive and explosive and just like they just do it in a haphazard way. 1.00

01:19:57.000 Don't fuck with those people. 0.99

01:19:59.000 So you, because it's become second nature to you how to do these things, but someone like me who has a bit of fear just from being older and not doing it, like my father learned how to drive when he was 45, so he's just a terrible driver and can't drive. 1.00

01:20:12.000 Even though he's not scared of life stuff, he's gone into fist fight stuff, but he's like, I can't drive.

01:20:17.000 I learned how to drive when I was 17. I'll drive with one arm.

01:20:20.000 I'm in control.

01:20:21.000 So I feel like that way with MMA, it's like now I've developed all these bad things that can, you think, and I'm like, I can't do this.

01:20:29.000 I can't even get into this.

01:20:30.000 The thing about MMA, if you want to get involved in that, and the same thing as boxing, the thing is getting hit.

01:20:36.000 And getting hit is not a small thing.

01:20:38.000 It's a big thing.

01:20:39.000 It's a bigger thing than people want to pretend it is.

01:20:42.000 Getting hit in the head is really bad.

01:20:44.000 And you're going to get hit in the head.

01:20:46.000 And you're going to get hit in the head quite a bit in the beginning because you're not good.

01:20:49.000 And people, especially if someone is sparring you and it gets aggressive, you're going to get hurt.

01:20:56.000 And that's just fact.

01:20:58.000 Especially if you're sparring.

01:21:00.000 Now, if you're just learning skills, you can just learn skills with people.

01:21:04.000 If you have a really good place, they can show you how to hit mitts.

01:21:07.000 You can hit the bag.

01:21:08.000 You get a great workout and you don't actually spar.

01:21:11.000 Or if you do spar, you spar with an instructor who's going to be very gentle.

01:21:15.000 So they're just going to be touching you.

01:21:17.000 They're just going to be tapping you and explaining that you don't have to hit hard.

01:21:20.000 You just have to use technique.

01:21:21.000 When you hit hard, hit the bag.

01:21:22.000 You're not a professional.

01:21:23.000 You're not thinking We're not thinking about taking on fights.

01:21:25.000 There's no reason for you to get busted up.

01:21:27.000 Let's just work on your skills.

01:21:28.000 Got it.

01:21:29.000 So in some ways, then, it's like my fear of getting over anesthesia when I got the colonoscopy.

01:21:34.000 You just got to get hit a little bit and you'll get over the fear.

01:21:37.000 You'll understand you can accept that.

01:21:38.000 The problem is, like, if you're sparring with another guy and he hits you with a jab and then you hit him with a jab and he hits you a little harder, like, this guy's hitting hard.

01:21:46.000 Then you start hitting each other hard and next thing you know you're fighting.

01:21:49.000 That happens all the time.

01:21:50.000 Got it.

01:21:51.000 It happens all the time.

01:21:52.000 So sparring often times turns into like a real fight.

01:21:56.000 Yes.

01:21:56.000 Just with big gloves and pads on.

01:21:58.000 And I've only ever been in two fist fights my whole life. 0.96

01:22:01.000 My first fist fight I punched this kid Glenn in the face thinking I'm gonna knock him off his bicycle and I'll win and he didn't even move a muscle and then he beat the shit out of me.

01:22:08.000 And then the second fight I got into was just like a bar brawl and I got hit, but I got hit like in the back shoulder. 0.88

01:22:15.000 Wasn't too bad.

01:22:16.000 And then I just kind of, I never really got beat up.

01:22:19.000 Hard, like, you know, like I never...

01:22:21.000 Well, it's not necessary.

01:22:22.000 You don't have to get beat up.

01:22:23.000 But just learning how to defend yourself would just help, for sure, help anxiety.

01:22:30.000 And it's like, for a lot of people, it's like meditation.

01:22:32.000 It's like medication, in fact, for a lot of people.

01:22:35.000 And jujitsu is a really good one because there's a possibility of you getting injured.

01:22:39.000 With any combat sport, it's a possibility of you getting injured.

01:22:41.000 Right.

01:22:42.000 But jujitsu, at least you're not getting hit.

01:22:45.000 You know, jujitsu is clenching and chokeholds and arm bars and leg locks and stuff.

01:22:50.000 But you can learn those things.

01:22:51.000 And if you do it with a good school that has a good ethic about them, you could do it pretty safely.

01:22:56.000 Yeah, because I'm a person, you know, we talk about it, we get excited about it, but sometimes I don't put these things into practice, even though I know stand-up is...

01:23:04.000 We're doing difficult things here, but other things I'm like...

01:23:07.000 Like, for example, when I, you know, in the middle of the pandemic or whatever, 2022, sometime around there, I got nervous about...

01:23:14.000 I don't know how to fight.

01:23:15.000 I got to defend my house.

01:23:16.000 And there was, at times, talks of...

01:23:18.000 To some type of what if a nuclear bomb went off here because things are getting tight with Russia before they invaded Ukraine.

01:23:23.000 So I came home one day with night vision goggles, a 30-day supply of powdered fettuccine Alfredo and a gun.

01:23:31.000 And I don't know how to use the gun and iodine tablets.

01:23:35.000 And so I did all these things.

01:23:37.000 And then I was like, well, now what?

01:23:38.000 My family was laughing at me like, what is any of this stuff going to do? 1.00

01:23:42.000 You can't do any of this shit. 0.99

01:23:43.000 And I was like, you're right. 1.00

01:23:45.000 And I kind of just made a decision, but I don't put things into practice.

01:23:49.000 So I want to make a choice to say, if you're going to talk about it, then do it.

01:23:55.000 Go do MMA. Go try it.

01:23:57.000 Is there a place that you could go to that you know about?

01:23:59.000 Well, there's that grace.

01:24:01.000 I live 15 minutes from Midtown, and the place that Anthony Bourdain was always in.

01:24:05.000 Henzo Gracie's?

01:24:06.000 Yes, the main headquarters right there.

01:24:07.000 Great place.

01:24:08.000 And I always see guys walking in and out of there.

01:24:09.000 Yeah, go there.

01:24:10.000 Dripping sweat.

01:24:11.000 You're close to that?

01:24:12.000 15 minutes.

01:24:13.000 Go there.

01:24:13.000 That's the spot.

01:24:14.000 Go there.

01:24:15.000 Go take classes.

01:24:16.000 Yeah.

01:24:16.000 Perfect place to go.

01:24:17.000 Yeah.

01:24:17.000 And that's the workout for the day.

01:24:19.000 That's the hardest workout that you'll ever do, right?

01:24:21.000 Very hard.

01:24:21.000 Yeah.

01:24:22.000 Very hard.

01:24:22.000 Yeah.

01:24:22.000 And it's good for your brain.

01:24:24.000 The thing about it is it's really good for your head because it's so difficult that it really does make the rest of life's difficulties easier.

01:24:33.000 It's a safe, controlled, difficult.

01:24:37.000 If a guy gets you in a chokehold and you try to fight out of it and you can't, you can tap.

01:24:41.000 And then you go right back to training again.

01:24:42.000 And I won't be made fun of that I'm 30. No.

01:24:44.000 Like an old...

01:24:45.000 No, they encourage you.

01:24:46.000 They welcome you.

01:24:47.000 Yeah, a lot of people get into it and they're 40. Bourdain didn't even start until he was in his 50s.

01:24:53.000 What?

01:24:54.000 Yeah.

01:24:55.000 Bourdain was like 62 when he died, I think.

01:24:58.000 Is that how old he was?

01:24:59.000 I'm not sure.

01:25:00.000 How old was he, Jamie?

01:25:04.000 I think he got into Jiu Jitsu when he was 58. Yeah.

01:25:09.000 Damn. 0.99

01:25:09.000 So, when I did his show, I did one of the episodes of his show, we went pheasant hunting in Montana together. 0.99

01:25:17.000 So, flew to Montana, and Bourdain and I, and he's talking about dars chokes. 1.00

01:25:22.000 And, like, we're in the middle, like, we're out there pheasant hunting.

01:25:25.000 And then I go, do you know how to do a Japanese necktie?

01:25:27.000 And he goes, what's that?

01:25:28.000 And I go, when you go in for the dars, sometimes you can't get the dars, but you can get the Japanese necktie.

01:25:32.000 Let me show you. 0.99

01:25:32.000 And so we're on the ground, on the fucking ground, and I'm showing him. 0.99

01:25:37.000 Okay. 0.99

01:25:37.000 Now you got this. 0.99

01:25:38.000 Once you got this here, you're always looking for this, right?

01:25:41.000 Because that's the Darce.

01:25:42.000 I go, but from here, I'm going to tuck your head into my chest, and I'm just going to roll on my right shoulder.

01:25:49.000 He's like, ah! 0.99

01:25:50.000 I go, yeah, that's fucked, right? 0.99

01:25:52.000 I'm going to roll on my left shoulder. 1.00

01:25:53.000 I go, that's the Japanese necktie.

01:25:54.000 So I'm explaining him the Japanese necktie on the ground. 0.99

01:25:58.000 While the camera crew is there and shit. 0.99

01:26:00.000 And I'm like, go ahead, try it on me now. 0.99

01:26:01.000 He's got his friend Josh.

01:26:03.000 Josh is doing jujitsu too.

01:26:04.000 He's like, get in here.

01:26:05.000 So he did here.

01:26:06.000 I go, now from here.

01:26:08.000 Josh is a big guy.

01:26:09.000 I was like, it's hard to get this through, right?

01:26:11.000 But you don't have to get this through.

01:26:12.000 Once you get this clamp, I just want you to tuck that head and then roll on the shoulder. 0.99

01:26:16.000 And they're like, oh shit. 0.99

01:26:18.000 So we were like rolling around in the dirt in Montana. 1.00

01:26:21.000 That's how into it he was.

01:26:22.000 Did they air that?

01:26:23.000 That's all he cared about.

01:26:23.000 No, they didn't air that.

01:26:25.000 That'd be sick. 0.91

01:26:26.000 It was just us shooting birds and eating them.

01:26:28.000 It was really fun.

01:26:29.000 It was a really fun experience. 0.99

01:26:30.000 He was a fucking fascinating guy. 0.92

01:26:32.000 I always watch, if it's on the plane, this documentary Roadrunner that they made, I think, after he passed away. 0.96

01:26:38.000 And it was amazing.

01:26:39.000 He said something once where he was like, you know...

01:26:42.000 I, because sometimes I think about this, you know, when you get a little older, even though I'm not super old, but you start to think like, hey, are my best years behind me?

01:26:50.000 Like what, you know, what is life?

01:26:52.000 What's the next things?

01:26:53.000 And I heard him say, he was like, you know, when I, he only became famous or like people knew his name and read his book when he was 43 years old.

01:26:59.000 He said, so I was sitting there at 42 years old thinking, well, Whatever, all my fun, all my drug days, all my wild, it's all over.

01:27:08.000 I'm in the back half of my life now, and this is what life's going to be.

01:27:11.000 He goes, and I didn't realize that it was going to be the next 20 years of my life that would be me, be the best years of my life.

01:27:18.000 And I never heard someone talk about it that way.

01:27:21.000 It was like, I know we know that you never know what tomorrow holds.

01:27:25.000 Our whole lives can change in an instant.

01:27:26.000 But sometimes, I can't help but feel like, oh...

01:27:30.000 I'm coming into my 40s now.

01:27:32.000 But when I heard Bourdain, I was like, oh, that's a very hopeful thing.

01:27:38.000 There's no roadmap for everybody.

01:27:41.000 And sometimes the more interesting people are the people that lived their entire lives never thinking they were going to be famous.

01:27:47.000 And then became famous.

01:27:48.000 Jordan Peterson is a great example.

01:27:50.000 He was a professor.

01:27:52.000 He was opposed to this bill that would cause people to have to be forced, mandated to use a bunch of made-up gender pronouns.

01:28:00.000 And he's like, this is crazy.

01:28:01.000 You can't allow this.

01:28:02.000 This is just going to spiral and just going to snowball into something else.

01:28:05.000 So he becomes famous in his 40s, which is a very difficult thing for people to deal with.

01:28:09.000 Almost impossible.

01:28:10.000 It's possible.

01:28:11.000 Morgan Freeman is the only other one, and Rodney Dangerfield are the only other two big names that I know.

01:28:16.000 Rodney's a big one, right?

01:28:17.000 Rodney was an aluminum siding salesman.

01:28:20.000 Wild.

01:28:21.000 Yeah, and he never stopped writing, apparently.

01:28:23.000 He was always writing jokes during that time, but he'd quit doing comedy and just went back to regular life. 1.00

01:28:28.000 So fuck it. 0.97

01:28:29.000 I'm going back in right and like back to school and all those movies me right it was huge It's crazy like how many people are like that out there that could have made it and just didn't and just stopped just Stopped or got the whatever demons they had got the best of them. 1.00

01:28:44.000 Yeah, which is a lot of us Yeah, I mean there's a lot of guys out there that have demons and their demon might be cocaine they're dealing alcohol Gambling, whatever it is.

01:28:54.000 There's like a demon that gets people.

01:28:56.000 And just gets you.

01:28:56.000 And it's also timing, right place, right time.

01:28:58.000 I didn't know this about sports, but like, you know, like the same way, like we know funny, funny, funny people that just never really made it for whatever reason.

01:29:09.000 It actually happens in sports, too.

01:29:10.000 I thought sports being objective was being like, oh, the best player will get discovered.

01:29:14.000 But it's like, no, you got to have the right connections.

01:29:16.000 You got to play in the right tournaments to get noticed by the...

01:29:21.000 There's a guy out there who would have been as good as the Michael Jordan and the Kobes of the world, but he just never made it. 0.89

01:29:28.000 He never got in front of the right people.

01:29:30.000 Well, it's also a discipline thing.

01:29:32.000 Sometimes people are very, very talented, and they really could be amazing. 1.00

01:29:38.000 Talent sometimes can fuck you. 0.99

01:29:41.000 Because if you're really talented, you don't have to work as hard. 0.99

01:29:43.000 If you're better than everybody else, you can kind of half-ass things, and you can get through things without even training.

01:29:49.000 Like, Jon Jones is so talented.

01:29:51.000 He defended his title against Alexander Gustafson, who's like one of the best guys ever in the light heavyweight division, and didn't even train for it.

01:29:58.000 Didn't even train for it.

01:29:59.000 And won.

01:30:00.000 And it was the hardest fight of his career, because he was getting beat up in the first few rounds, and he pulled it off in the last two rounds.

01:30:05.000 That's when he won the decision.

01:30:07.000 It was a crazy fight.

01:30:09.000 First time he's ever been taken down.

01:30:11.000 I mean, he got busted up, got a big cut over his eyes, his eye was swollen up.

01:30:15.000 But he's so talented that he's able to beat one of the best guys in the division without even training. 0.89

01:30:20.000 Then he has a rematch with him later where he says, now I'm gonna fucking train, and he just annihilates him. 0.97

01:30:24.000 Yeah, it's crazy. 0.90

01:30:26.000 I've heard that he's the most talented one, people argue, of all the fighters.

01:30:31.000 He's very arguable.

01:30:32.000 He's certainly the most accomplished.

01:30:34.000 He's beaten every single person he's ever faced, except there's only one loss that he has, and it's a disqualification in a fight that he was dominating.

01:30:42.000 The Gustafson fight was close though.

01:30:45.000 But he didn't even train.

01:30:47.000 There was fighters that he was fighting where he was so much better than everybody that the way they would describe it was like he was playing with his food.

01:30:54.000 He wasn't threatened by them.

01:30:57.000 So he wasn't fighting to the best of his ability.

01:30:59.000 So does a guy like Jon Jones, you think, have some type of fear in the ring?

01:31:03.000 Or do you kind of lose that when you become a guy of his level at this stuff?

01:31:07.000 I think you're always going to have some doubts and thoughts that enter into your head.

01:31:13.000 But a guy who's that dominant knows how to dominate those thoughts.

01:31:16.000 Knows how to overcome them.

01:31:18.000 You don't let them in. 1.00

01:31:20.000 You're going to have anxiety.

01:31:21.000 You're going to have nerves.

01:31:22.000 But you just don't let them in.

01:31:24.000 Some guys don't have nerves.

01:31:25.000 Like Justin Gaethje says he doesn't get any nerves.

01:31:27.000 He says it kind of freaks me out.

01:31:28.000 I get in there and I'm not even nervous.

01:31:31.000 Yeah, but that's interesting because you could be killed by some of these high-level guys, right?

01:31:36.000 Even the best fighters.

01:31:36.000 It's possible.

01:31:37.000 You get a hit in the head the wrong way.

01:31:39.000 Well, that's one of the crazy things that Justin says.

01:31:41.000 When he goes to fights, he never plans anything for after the fight because he doesn't assume he's going to be alive.

01:31:47.000 Wow.

01:31:47.000 Yeah.

01:31:48.000 That's pretty deep.

01:31:50.000 Well, that's how he fights, too.

01:31:51.000 That's really how he fights.

01:31:53.000 That's interesting.

01:31:54.000 I respect that a lot. 0.99

01:31:56.000 He's a psycho. 0.99

01:31:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:58.000 He's born for it.

01:31:59.000 Well, yeah, the human brain's a funny thing.

01:32:02.000 I mean, I don't feel one ounce of anxiety on stage, whether I'm bombing, doing well, zero.

01:32:10.000 Always been that way, zero.

01:32:12.000 So it's all offstage.

01:32:14.000 After the fact, before...

01:32:18.000 I think?

01:32:37.000 Be in the moment for these big things.

01:32:39.000 Slow it down, all that.

01:32:41.000 I tell myself I'm doing it, but I never have any memory of it.

01:32:45.000 And I never kind of, you know, take over the night.

01:32:49.000 Like I did Radio City.

01:32:50.000 People are like, what'd you do after?

01:32:51.000 Where was the after party?

01:32:52.000 Where'd you go?

01:32:52.000 I said I was in bed at 11 o'clock with my family.

01:32:56.000 I was in bed.

01:32:57.000 The show ended at 9. I was in bed at 11. On the night, my biggest night.

01:33:02.000 And I don't know why.

01:33:04.000 That's just how I am.

01:33:05.000 There's nothing wrong with that.

01:33:07.000 No.

01:33:07.000 Yeah, there's nothing wrong with, like, just going on with your life.

01:33:12.000 You don't have to celebrate.

01:33:14.000 Right.

01:33:14.000 Yeah, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

01:33:16.000 Yeah, but, like, you've had, you know, so far a very, very, very cool life. 0.78

01:33:20.000 Do you feel, though, at times even you have FOMO and are like, shit, I wish I would have did something else? 0.97

01:33:27.000 No. 0.94

01:33:27.000 You don't feel that anymore. 0.94

01:33:29.000 Were you always that way or you got to this way after, you know, just the mounting success?

01:33:33.000 No, I genuinely don't think that way.

01:33:35.000 From day one?

01:33:36.000 No.

01:33:36.000 One thing that I used to do when I was on Fear Factor, though, I would be jealous of guys that were on the road.

01:33:42.000 Like, God, I wish I could go do the road right now.

01:33:44.000 I just couldn't.

01:33:45.000 The schedule was so hard.

01:33:47.000 It was very difficult to just do just comedy.

01:33:50.000 And the guys who were just doing comedy, I would admire that.

01:33:54.000 I'd go, God, I wish I could just do comedy.

01:33:56.000 Because Fear Factor, as great of a job as it was, was a job.

01:33:59.000 It was something I was doing just for money.

01:34:02.000 I do stand-up for free.

01:34:03.000 I do guest spots all the time for free.

01:34:05.000 I just show up and do comedy for free.

01:34:07.000 You work for free.

01:34:08.000 But that's how comedy is.

01:34:09.000 It's fun.

01:34:10.000 We don't think about it.

01:34:11.000 We enjoy doing it.

01:34:12.000 We constantly are working out.

01:34:14.000 If you're working out in the city, what are you getting for a spot?

01:34:17.000 20 bucks?

01:34:17.000 Yeah, it's nothing.

01:34:18.000 It's nonsense.

01:34:19.000 You get a free drink at 20 bucks.

01:34:20.000 You're doing it to work out.

01:34:21.000 I give it to the waitress, you know?

01:34:22.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:34:23.000 The comedy store would always cost me money.

01:34:26.000 What I pay out in tips, it would be way more than I would make for doing a set.

01:34:29.000 One thing that always stuck with me, when I was in eighth grade, at the same time, I had mono and my mom had gout, so none of us could, we just couldn't move.

01:34:38.000 I fucking had mono and she couldn't move her foot. 1.00

01:34:40.000 So she got us cable television and we watched cable and they would show reruns of Oprah, the Oprah Winfrey show. 0.99

01:34:48.000 My mom would just watch it. 1.00

01:34:49.000 And I remember one day, and it's like advice that just stuck in my head.

01:34:53.000 Oprah was on, I think it was one of the first times she was on with Dr. Phil.

01:34:57.000 Oprah was on and she said, you know, the thing about success is, real successful people, is the money always comes second.

01:35:05.000 It's the passion first, and then the money comes second.

01:35:08.000 If you reverse it and you go after the money first, you may get success, but there's a negative karmic energy attached to that money.

01:35:14.000 So the only way to do it the right way is you go passion first, and then the money will always come, but it will come second.

01:35:20.000 And I don't know, I was like in a fever, mono dream, and I just always remember, and it always stayed with me my whole life.

01:35:27.000 And that's why I brought up before, I was like, when I saw you kind of, you know, hammering out your set, I was like, oh shit, this is why.

01:35:33.000 The passion is there. 0.99

01:35:34.000 You can pay him, not pay him.

01:35:36.000 If you were at this level, not at this level, you'd be still the guy hammering out the hour.

01:35:40.000 Yeah.

01:35:41.000 Which is dope.

01:35:41.000 But that's if you have the ability to do that.

01:35:44.000 Like what Oprah's saying is true, but it's easy for people to say that that have already been successful.

01:35:49.000 That's like that whole secret thing.

01:35:50.000 Remember the secret?

01:35:51.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:35:52.000 Where people are like, you just got to manifest things and they'll happen.

01:35:54.000 Have a vision board.

01:35:56.000 Sort of.

01:35:56.000 If you talk to successful people, they'll tell you that they probably did that.

01:36:00.000 But they probably did a lot of things.

01:36:01.000 Right.

01:36:02.000 That's one factor.

01:36:03.000 And people want to pretend.

01:36:05.000 People want to...

01:36:06.000 Excuse me.

01:36:08.000 People want to pretend that it's insignificant. 0.99

01:36:11.000 That's foolish. 0.97

01:36:12.000 It is a factor. 1.00

01:36:13.000 But the people who want to pretend that it's the whole thing, that's foolish as well. 0.94

01:36:17.000 Because you can't just manifest things. 0.74

01:36:20.000 I remember we were at the Comedy Store once, and there was this lady that came to the store who was a friend of one of the comics.

01:36:27.000 And she was telling me that she is following the secret.

01:36:32.000 She's like, I have the secret now and now I know that I'm going to be married to the person that I love and I'm going to have an amazing career and all these different things.

01:36:43.000 As I go, I go, so you're confident in this?

01:36:46.000 You're like, sure.

01:36:47.000 I think this was, I don't know if I had seen the movie yet. 1.00

01:36:50.000 Because I remember when I saw the movie, I was like, whoa, these people are out of their fucking minds. 0.98

01:36:54.000 I was like, there's a lot more to it, kids, than just this. 0.99

01:36:57.000 You can't have a bunch of people just thinking they're going to manifest themselves being a rock star.

01:37:02.000 That's going to happen.

01:37:03.000 I'm going to make it happen.

01:37:04.000 No, there's a lot of things you have to do.

01:37:05.000 There's a lot of work involved, a lot of learning.

01:37:08.000 You've got to make mistakes and recover from those mistakes and do better and write better stuff and perform better and get better at skills.

01:37:16.000 You have to do stuff that people actually enjoy.

01:37:19.000 So what do people enjoy about my work?

01:37:21.000 What am I missing that other people have?

01:37:24.000 There's a lot that goes on.

01:37:25.000 It's not just, I want to be a rock star, I'm going to make it happen.

01:37:29.000 So this lady was telling this to me, and this was the only time I'd ever met her, but we were all hanging out in the back of the Comedy Store, so she was out there for a couple hours, right?

01:37:38.000 So then I saw her again, like a year, two years later.

01:37:44.000 I was doing a show at another club, and I ran into her outside.

01:37:48.000 I go, hey, how you doing?

01:37:50.000 She goes...

01:37:52.000 Last time we talked, we talked about The Secret, and she goes, it's not been working.

01:37:56.000 She's like, I don't understand.

01:37:59.000 Her father was messing up her life.

01:38:03.000 I don't know what was going on.

01:38:04.000 And she was like, I haven't found that relationship, and my career isn't going well.

01:38:10.000 And we had a very brief conversation. 0.99

01:38:12.000 I was like, damn. 0.99

01:38:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:14.000 Good to see you. 0.99

01:38:15.000 Bye.

01:38:16.000 Yeah.

01:38:16.000 And I was leaving and I was gone.

01:38:17.000 And then I remember thinking, like, people that thought that way, that really believed, you can hear that from a successful person.

01:38:26.000 I just knew.

01:38:27.000 I had a vision.

01:38:28.000 I stuck with that vision.

01:38:29.000 I made it happen.

01:38:30.000 So there was a lot of people running around during these days, like the early 2000s, that had this thing in their head that they could manifest a reality.

01:38:38.000 Yeah.

01:38:39.000 And I think it's become a popular thing, especially in this culture, where it's like, You know, be a boss.

01:38:44.000 Be the best.

01:38:45.000 It's like, that's not how society works.

01:38:46.000 Society would crumble.

01:38:47.000 You need people who don't want to do that.

01:38:49.000 You need people who are saying, I'm okay not being the boss.

01:38:51.000 I'm okay not being the best.

01:38:53.000 You need that.

01:38:54.000 Well, also, and I can tell you, like, in my own life, in doing this podcast specifically...

01:38:59.000 I fucking never thought it was going to be what it is.

01:39:02.000 I never even imagined it. 0.90

01:39:03.000 I didn't want it to be.

01:39:04.000 It never was a thought.

01:39:05.000 It was never, I want this thing to be, I want to have 15 million subscribers.

01:39:09.000 No, I never, never, not one time.

01:39:12.000 The whole thought was, do your best.

01:39:16.000 Who do you want to talk to?

01:39:17.000 What's interesting?

01:39:18.000 Have an interesting conversation.

01:39:20.000 Stay in the moment.

01:39:21.000 Just do your best.

01:39:22.000 Well, and also, correct me if I'm wrong, by the time you started your podcast, you were already successful, you were already the host, you were already kind of a household name, I'm sure financially successful, so you didn't need it for the money.

01:39:32.000 You were like, I just want to talk to my friends.

01:39:34.000 Yeah, I was just doing it for fun.

01:39:35.000 Right.

01:39:35.000 Because I always wanted a radio show.

01:39:37.000 I'm like, no one's going to give me a radio show.

01:39:38.000 And also, I'd probably swear. 0.97

01:39:39.000 I'd fuck it up. 0.99

01:39:40.000 Right. 0.94

01:39:40.000 And then there was XM, and back at the time, XM wasn't giving anybody any money. 0.94

01:39:44.000 They had all their money was going to Howard Stern.

01:39:46.000 Sirius XM, whatever it is, the whole- I think it still is.

01:39:48.000 It's a big thing.

01:39:49.000 Do they still call it SiriusXM?

01:39:51.000 Still SiriusXM, and I've heard that it's Howard's money. 1.00

01:39:54.000 Well, first of all, if he leaves, they're fucked. 1.00

01:39:56.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:39:57.000 Because how many subscribers will bail when that guy leaves?

01:40:01.000 Dude, I did Howard Stern Show.

01:40:04.000 Three months ago, and I thought he wasn't in the room, but the way they have that set up is you really believe he's in the room, like almost like a hologram.

01:40:13.000 They tricked you.

01:40:13.000 Dude, I was talking to Howard Stern, but he was in Long Island or wherever he was, Florida, and I was in...

01:40:19.000 In the city.

01:40:20.000 It was actually pretty crazy because, you know, it's Howard.

01:40:24.000 It's a big, big, big deal.

01:40:27.000 It's almost like a surreal...

01:40:28.000 For a New Yorker, particularly.

01:40:29.000 Of course, yeah.

01:40:29.000 It's almost like a surreal thing.

01:40:31.000 We're like, this is Howard Stern?

01:40:32.000 What?

01:40:32.000 And they told me, they were like, you're going to go on for five minutes.

01:40:34.000 So I was prepared to do that.

01:40:36.000 They had a segment on there where they... 0.92

01:40:39.000 I forgot what the name of it was, but you have to guess this guy's sexual fetish. 1.00

01:40:43.000 And the guy's fetish was that he liked his nuts and dick nailed to the wall. 1.00

01:40:47.000 That's what he was into. 1.00

01:40:48.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:40:49.000 His dick? 1.00

01:40:50.000 Yes. 1.00

01:40:50.000 Nailed to the wall? 1.00

01:40:52.000 Nailed to the wall with a fucking nail gun. 1.00

01:40:54.000 Oh! 1.00

01:40:56.000 Yeah.

01:40:57.000 That was when we have to guess it little by little. 1.00

01:41:00.000 Oh, goddamn! 1.00

01:41:02.000 How do you even stand for that? 1.00

01:41:05.000 He loved it, dude. 1.00

01:41:06.000 Do you have to get your dick on the side of a wall? 1.00

01:41:08.000 How do you find it out? 1.00

01:41:09.000 How do you get there?

01:41:10.000 How do you find it out?

01:41:11.000 Very good question, Jamie.

01:41:13.000 It's a very good question. 0.99

01:41:13.000 He would stick when he was a kid, when he was a kid, when he would get yelled at by his mom and dad, he would stick safety pins through his dick and balls as a way to cope with it all. 0.99

01:41:24.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:41:25.000 Oh my God.

01:41:26.000 That's so crazy.

01:41:27.000 Yeah.

01:41:28.000 So you just ramp up from there.

01:41:29.000 Oh my God.

01:41:31.000 Rock hard, he said, by the way.

01:41:32.000 He was rock hard on the show when he was taping his nuts to the wall.

01:41:35.000 Oh God.

01:41:36.000 So we had to guess it.

01:41:40.000 We had to guess it.

01:41:41.000 And he was like, you know, it was like this thing where they were like, the producer was like, hey, he's going to talk to you for five minutes.

01:41:46.000 Just get to know your name.

01:41:47.000 What do you do?

01:41:48.000 Comedy.

01:41:48.000 You know, whatever.

01:41:50.000 And then you're going to get into this segment.

01:41:52.000 And I was like, okay, great.

01:41:54.000 Baba Booey. 0.85

01:41:54.000 Gary, you know, is the one who hooked it all up. 0.85

01:41:57.000 And I was like, great, dude.

01:41:57.000 Five minutes.

01:41:58.000 That's awesome.

01:41:59.000 Like, excellent.

01:42:00.000 And then so we go.

01:42:01.000 We're starting to talk.

01:42:02.000 I don't know what I said. 1.00

01:42:03.000 I said something stupid. 0.99

01:42:05.000 And he started to laugh. 1.00

01:42:06.000 And then he was like, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second.

01:42:08.000 What is it?

01:42:09.000 Who are you?

01:42:10.000 And I was like, you know, on the show, I was like, hey, my name is what I do, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:42:14.000 We talked for like an hour and a half.

01:42:17.000 I got like a real Howard Stern interview.

01:42:20.000 And then we did the bit at the end.

01:42:25.000 You know, I didn't have any good guesses.

01:42:29.000 And then like 20 minutes later, I get a call from a random number and I pick up and he's like, hey, it's Howard.

01:42:37.000 And I thought initially it was one of my friends doing an impersonation because they knew I was on Howard.

01:42:41.000 It happens live.

01:42:42.000 And then he was like, no, it's me.

01:42:43.000 It's Howard.

01:42:44.000 He was like, man, that was great.

01:42:47.000 He was like, I don't know.

01:42:49.000 Whatever you're doing, just keep doing it.

01:42:51.000 He was like, I was very engaged with that stuff, man.

01:42:54.000 He was like, so good.

01:42:57.000 And then I was like, okay, thanks. 0.99

01:42:59.000 And then hung up and then I was like, holy shit, did that really just fucking happen from comedy? 0.99

01:43:06.000 And I felt really positive. 0.99

01:43:09.000 I still feel really positive and great about that, but sometimes my brain can't hold on to that for too long, and then what will happen is we'll say, okay, well, let's balance it.

01:43:18.000 Let's Catholic guilt come in. 0.97

01:43:20.000 Let's balance it and make ourselves, you know, not believe him in some way.

01:43:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:43:26.000 And so I hear from you a lot, you'd be able to kind of take that confidence, which is a beautiful thing, and just kind of have it make you stronger and say, all right, I'm going to keep going up, where I look for a way down from it to balance.

01:43:39.000 So I fight against that, but I'm getting close.

01:43:41.000 And I do think the next time I come on this podcast, I'll be fully gay. 0.81

01:43:45.000 Oh, okay.

01:43:47.000 I'll be fully in.

01:43:48.000 Okay.

01:43:48.000 I don't think too much about myself.

01:43:53.000 Right.

01:43:53.000 I try to just think about life and I think about what I'm trying to do.

01:43:58.000 Right.

01:43:58.000 You know, whatever thing I'm trying to be good at.

01:44:01.000 That's how I handle it.

01:44:03.000 I think dwelling too much about yourself is not...

01:44:07.000 It's like every comic has a tendency towards narcissism.

01:44:10.000 I don't think that should be encouraged.

01:44:12.000 I don't find any benefit to it.

01:44:15.000 Even you, do you think you have a...

01:44:16.000 Everybody does, I think.

01:44:18.000 We just have it, right?

01:44:18.000 Yeah, everybody does.

01:44:19.000 That's why you want to look good, you want to sound good, you want people to admire you, people think you're doing well, all that stuff.

01:44:26.000 But don't feed that.

01:44:30.000 Yeah, that's what it is, feeding it.

01:44:32.000 Don't feed it.

01:44:32.000 Think about the thing.

01:44:34.000 Whatever you're doing, whatever your art form is, or relationships, or friendships, or think about those things.

01:44:40.000 Don't think about you.

01:44:40.000 Feed the good wolf or the bad wolf.

01:44:41.000 Yeah, don't think about you.

01:44:43.000 Yeah, that's good.

01:44:44.000 I like that.

01:44:45.000 Don't think about you.

01:44:46.000 Think about the thing you're trying to do, and just be the best you can at the thing.

01:44:50.000 The best you could be at the thing is everything you could ever ask of yourself.

01:44:53.000 And the only thing that's going to get in the way of that is doubts, lack of discipline, lack of talent, lack of hard work.

01:45:00.000 Work ethic is a lot.

01:45:02.000 There's a lot of people that substitute work ethic for anxiety. 0.63

01:45:05.000 They substitute work ethic for a bunch of bullshit thinking that just distracts them from doing what they really should be doing. 0.96

01:45:12.000 Which is working. 0.98

01:45:13.000 Getting stuff done.

01:45:13.000 What is the thing you're trying to feel?

01:45:17.000 There's a giant difference.

01:45:18.000 If I'm in my office, there's a giant difference between how I feel, if I just Watch YouTube videos, even if it's like an interesting thing.

01:45:28.000 It's a giant difference between how I feel that then if I go over my material and I start writing and I write a new tagline, I write a new joke, I have a new premise, I have a new thing that I put into my phone.

01:45:39.000 Now I go to bed, I feel great.

01:45:40.000 Now I feel good.

01:45:41.000 So, it's like, you gotta learn, like, what is the thing that helps?

01:45:46.000 The thing that always helps my mental state is to be To be engaged in a thing and to be creative and to try to figure this thing out and then do the work that you need to be doing for your career, for the thing that you love,

01:46:02.000 which is comedy, right?

01:46:03.000 Or whatever it is, or even podcasting.

01:46:05.000 Work on that thing.

01:46:08.000 Work on the thing.

01:46:09.000 And then when you're done, you feel good. 1.00

01:46:10.000 If you're just fucking off, you just feel like a loser. 0.99

01:46:13.000 And if you feel like a loser and you start feeling that, maybe that's who I am. 1.00

01:46:18.000 Then you have imposter syndrome. 0.95

01:46:21.000 Just be professional.

01:46:23.000 Just do the things you have to do.

01:46:25.000 And then, if I do all that stuff, then I can actually enjoy a movie.

01:46:29.000 I can sit down and enjoy a movie. 0.90

01:46:31.000 If I fucking did everything I'm supposed to do, I can enjoy anything. 0.99

01:46:35.000 But if I have, like, in my head, like, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm not doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, then I feel like a loser. 0.98

01:46:44.000 So let's just do the work, and then you don't feel like a loser.

01:46:47.000 And then you could be sociable, then you're fun to hang out with, because you're not, like, overwhelmed, like, your mind is not on this thing that you should really be doing.

01:46:56.000 Instead of being here at this party with your friends, you really should be at home working on that thing. 0.93

01:47:01.000 Get all that shit done, so that you don't feel bad. 0.98

01:47:04.000 See, because I hear you, and I think that that's 100% accurate. 0.99

01:47:08.000 Right.

01:47:08.000 But a lot of times, I don't know what it is.

01:47:10.000 You need to coach yourself.

01:47:12.000 Well, that's what it is.

01:47:14.000 But I do think a lot of this stuff is baked into some of that Catholic guilt.

01:47:18.000 I'm sure.

01:47:19.000 I do think you can't feel good about yourself because it subconsciously tells you, well, then...

01:47:27.000 Something bad now will happen, right?

01:47:29.000 It's this weird thing that, so I think sometimes I flirt with that because I pretty much, you know, I do my writing and I do kind of say, all right, get into comedy, got the whole family behind you, you need to do this, let's do this, but sometimes it's that Catholic guilt, but I'm at a point in my life now, 0.52

01:47:47.000 I'm reading this book, Case for Christ.

01:47:49.000 You ever read this book?

01:47:50.000 No.

01:47:50.000 Case for Christ by this guy Lee Strobel.

01:47:54.000 I, you know, was very mad at Catholicism for a very long time because I grew up Catholic. 1.00

01:47:59.000 When I was 17, when our brains are forming is when all the Catholic shit came out, the priests raping, all that stuff. 1.00

01:48:06.000 And I was like, well, fucking, I have Catholic tattoos all over my body already. 1.00

01:48:09.000 What am I supposed to do now? 0.99

01:48:11.000 I can't, this, I'm like, want to rip my tattoos off.

01:48:14.000 And I was very angry for a while, initially didn't even want to get my kids baptized, came around, did it.

01:48:19.000 But then I read this book.

01:48:21.000 Case for Christ, and I was like, wow, this guy's putting forward, like, very compelling arguments for, like, not only Jesus's existence, but his actual, like, works being real.

01:48:32.000 Like, this all being fucking pretty real and pretty historically accurate. 0.99

01:48:37.000 And I was like, oh shit. 0.99

01:48:38.000 And then so I started to like go back a little bit, right? 0.99

01:48:41.000 And I started to say, you know, because some of the things I'm even talking about on the show are kind of like, you know, it's still me, but it's like it's not as much as me anymore.

01:48:53.000 Because I started to go back to church and I started to feel like this like, just like calmness and almost like even if it's forced, like this forced connection.

01:49:00.000 Let me give you some advice.

01:49:02.000 Yes.

01:49:03.000 You know what your problems are, right?

01:49:05.000 And you know how you're doing when you're doing your best, and you know the things that you're doing that lead you to go astray, to go haywire, right?

01:49:16.000 You know that, right?

01:49:17.000 I think so, yeah.

01:49:18.000 You're really aware of that.

01:49:19.000 If you were a coach And you were looking at you, and you know all this information, you would give yourself very solid advice, right?

01:49:28.000 I think I could.

01:49:29.000 Right, do that then.

01:49:30.000 Right.

01:49:31.000 Just have a coach in your head.

01:49:32.000 That's what I do. 1.00

01:49:33.000 I have like a part of my head that's like the general that just tells me what the fuck we're doing. 0.99

01:49:38.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:49:39.000 I'm like, I don't want to do this. 0.99

01:49:40.000 The general says, shut the fuck up and let's go. 0.99

01:49:43.000 Right. 1.00

01:49:43.000 And listen to that part. 1.00

01:49:45.000 Have that part in my head that's always there that knows this is gonna be fine.

01:49:51.000 You know how to handle this.

01:49:52.000 Just handle it.

01:49:53.000 Deal with it.

01:49:54.000 Breathe.

01:49:54.000 Go through it.

01:49:55.000 Move on.

01:49:57.000 Have like a set in your head Of ideals, of behavior that you're tolerating, behavior that you're not tolerating, the way to handle things when things come up.

01:50:10.000 And don't just dwell on every problem.

01:50:13.000 Instead, have this thing very rigid in your head.

01:50:18.000 This is what we're going to do.

01:50:19.000 Write it down.

01:50:20.000 Write it down.

01:50:21.000 Write down on a piece of paper.

01:50:24.000 If this comes up, this is what we do.

01:50:26.000 We don't do this. 1.00

01:50:27.000 We don't dwell on stupid shit. 1.00

01:50:29.000 We don't worry about nonsense. 1.00

01:50:31.000 We don't fucking fret about... 0.98

01:50:33.000 We don't sell our house because there's not a bagel shop close, even though there was. 0.96

01:50:39.000 Write those things down.

01:50:40.000 Write those things down.

01:50:41.000 Give yourself rock-solid rules.

01:50:45.000 And then go to those rules every time something comes up.

01:50:48.000 Instead of just like...

01:50:50.000 Riffing it, just winging it, being lost in this world of management of anxiety.

01:50:55.000 Have rigid ideas in your head of how you're going to handle it.

01:50:59.000 It seems like you've gotten through the worst parts, right? 0.98

01:51:02.000 It sounds like your anxiety during basketball was fucking crazy. 0.99

01:51:05.000 Nuts, dude. 0.99

01:51:06.000 That sounds crazy.

01:51:06.000 I used to bite my toenails off until they bled.

01:51:09.000 Because my nails, because I went through my fingernails.

01:51:11.000 That's crazy.

01:51:11.000 Yeah.

01:51:12.000 So you got through that.

01:51:13.000 So you got through the worst.

01:51:14.000 So you know how bad it can be when it goes sideways.

01:51:18.000 And you know how to coach yourself.

01:51:19.000 Yeah.

01:51:19.000 Write all this stuff down.

01:51:21.000 Write it down in the future.

01:51:23.000 Write down, like, these are problems that come up.

01:51:26.000 And this is how I'm going to avoid these problems.

01:51:29.000 Well, you know what I think happens, too, is...

01:51:31.000 Because of podcasting, sometimes I'm like, because my girl said something to me once, interesting, she was like, you know, on these podcasts, you talk about all these issues you have and whatever, she was like, but at home, you're like, not that guy.

01:51:42.000 Like, I don't know, like, this stuff is like, you're never like talking to us about it, you're never acting like that. 0.97

01:51:47.000 Like, she was like, I see you writing and doing things, but then you go on the pod and you're like, look at this fucking... 0.97

01:51:53.000 Look at my brain. 0.99

01:51:54.000 So she's like, what?

01:51:55.000 Like, don't feel like you have to just go on a podcast and to try to be interesting, say all your...

01:52:01.000 She was like...

01:52:02.000 Do you feel that?

01:52:03.000 Sometimes.

01:52:04.000 I never did until she said it.

01:52:05.000 I'm like, you know, I'll come on to a podcast.

01:52:08.000 Like I came on today and said, Chris, just come on.

01:52:10.000 Be confident.

01:52:11.000 Be who you are.

01:52:13.000 Project yourself.

01:52:14.000 You're doing good.

01:52:16.000 Joe and you are...

01:52:17.000 You're closer now than you were two times. 1.00

01:52:19.000 Just shut up and do it. 0.99

01:52:20.000 And then immediately I'm like, I'm a mistake. 1.00

01:52:30.000 Damn. 0.99

01:52:31.000 So that's who I am. 0.99

01:52:33.000 Right, but you're not that way when you're at home.

01:52:36.000 You're not that way when you're at your best.

01:52:37.000 According to my family, I wasn't that way.

01:52:39.000 You might be leaning into it.

01:52:40.000 It might be a problem because you do kind of think it's something to talk about that's interesting.

01:52:45.000 And so you lean into it and you make it worse.

01:52:48.000 Yeah, because, I mean, yesterday in the green room I wasn't like that. 0.85

01:52:50.000 We were just fucking talking around, hanging out, and I'll be that way tonight.

01:52:53.000 You didn't even seem a little anxious yesterday. 0.96

01:52:55.000 No.

01:52:56.000 Especially for someone who hadn't done stand-up in six weeks.

01:52:58.000 No, I went out there.

01:52:59.000 Yesterday I hadn't eaten and I did a 24-hour fast, so I was just, I was like in my body yesterday.

01:53:03.000 I felt like a lot of, I mean, I know you've done it before, but when you get on those fasts and you just get like all this energy, like I couldn't even sleep.

01:53:11.000 Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?

01:53:12.000 Yeah, I just loved it.

01:53:13.000 Yeah, the fact that you get energy from fasting is very strange.

01:53:16.000 I've done a lot of 24 hours.

01:53:18.000 I haven't done anything more than that, though.

01:53:20.000 I've been thinking about doing one of them three-day ones.

01:53:22.000 Yeah.

01:53:22.000 A lot of people I know that do three-day ones.

01:53:24.000 I heard that George St. Pierre talk about he does it three or four times a year.

01:53:28.000 I think it's probably really good to give your digestion a chance to rest.

01:53:32.000 Like, you're just constantly eating food.

01:53:34.000 Your body's like, Jesus, like, more work.

01:53:37.000 Like, give it some time off.

01:53:38.000 Do you think it's possible, like in ancient times, that, because sometimes in the Bible they'll say people live to 400, 500 years old.

01:53:46.000 Do you think it's not 400, but do you think it's possible people were living to as long as 120 years old back then?

01:53:53.000 Yeah, maybe 120. Yeah, in a rare genetic case with very good nutrition in a blue zone.

01:53:59.000 Some place where there's a lot of minerals in the water.

01:54:02.000 Yeah, you might be able to.

01:54:04.000 It's possible.

01:54:05.000 120s.

01:54:06.000 People have gotten there before.

01:54:07.000 But the 500 years old, like Noah. 0.99

01:54:10.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.62

01:54:12.000 It's true, but I think it's one of those things where they probably just took records differently back then. 0.97

01:54:18.000 I think in China, I think you only celebrate your birthday once every 10 years.

01:54:22.000 So you could be like, oh, I'm 500, but you're really not.

01:54:26.000 Well, that would mean you're 5. Yeah, exactly.

01:54:29.000 But I think, you know, human beings biologically, the only thing that's going to change how we age is science, and they're pretty close to being able to do that with a lot of things.

01:54:40.000 There's a few things you could do to mitigate aging today, and it does work.

01:54:44.000 It does help you, but you're 500 years old. 0.99

01:54:47.000 It's most likely that they just didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. 0.97

01:54:50.000 350 years after the flood. 0.98

01:54:52.000 He died at the age of 950. There you go.

01:54:55.000 Tara was 128. Noah, as the last, the extremely long-lived Anteluvian patriarchs, died 350 years after the flood at the age of 950 when Tara was 128. The maximum human lifespan, as depicted by the Bible,

01:55:11.000 gradually diminishes thereafter from almost 1,000 years to 120 years of Moses.

01:55:16.000 See what I'm saying?

01:55:17.000 Now, that's Old Testament.

01:55:19.000 So, you know, I don't know.

01:55:21.000 A lot of that stuff was story stuff. 0.97

01:55:23.000 But dude, I'm telling you, this book, Case for Christ, the fucking history, it's not even an opinion. 0.96

01:55:30.000 He's not saying, I want you to believe. 0.97

01:55:32.000 He's like, here's the history.

01:55:33.000 Here's why we...

01:55:34.000 Dude, so like, if I told you, if I said to you, Joe, you believe everything you've heard about Alexander the Great, right?

01:55:40.000 You believe it.

01:55:41.000 You believe that, you know, he's fought in these battles.

01:55:44.000 What they say, you just believe.

01:55:45.000 It's Alexander the Great.

01:55:46.000 I'll read his biography.

01:55:47.000 You'd say, yeah, sure. 0.99

01:55:49.000 But then you'd be like, oh, but I don't believe—they made the shit up about Jesus. 0.96

01:55:52.000 Okay, Alexander the Great, because what you'll always hear is, well, the Gospels were written 100-plus years after Jesus died. 0.97

01:56:00.000 Alexander the Great's first biography was written like 300 years after he died.

01:56:04.000 So that right there is like, well, his—Jesus is— Yeah.

01:56:23.000 Yeah.

01:56:32.000 Yes, the Gospels were 70 years later, but they were based off the accounts of people who were living at that time and up to like 25 years after it.

01:56:41.000 And they say, oh, well, game of telephone.

01:56:44.000 I can tell you something goes around the room.

01:56:46.000 Telephone.

01:56:46.000 By the time it gets to me, you know, 10 people.

01:56:49.000 What you just said is irrelevant.

01:56:51.000 It's a totally different thing.

01:56:52.000 I get it.

01:56:53.000 But what they said is because of that ancient thing of, you know, kind of having to pass down these Old Testaments because they couldn't write, it would be like if you're playing a game of telephone, but every person, I check with the person before to make sure the word I'm saying is right.

01:57:08.000 And then I keep going.

01:57:09.000 So then it's going to work because you're constantly checking.

01:57:12.000 So that's what they said happened there.

01:57:15.000 And I was like, okay.

01:57:17.000 Well, okay, that's a little bit of confirmation bias because the real problem is like who said it originally?

01:57:23.000 And who decided what the words were originally?

01:57:27.000 Okay.

01:57:28.000 I get that, which is true.

01:57:30.000 But just for Jesus, this book was saying that the reason why they believe the historical accuracy of it is because his...

01:57:39.000 Basically, his haters and the disciples were both saying the same thing.

01:57:42.000 So you have the Romans saying, yeah, this is what happened, who hated him, and at that point would be like, get this guy out of here.

01:57:49.000 He's basically causing a revolt. 0.99

01:57:51.000 That's why we have to kill him. 1.00

01:57:52.000 He's like somebody getting, you know, a protester today. 1.00

01:57:56.000 They were like, fuck this guy. 1.00

01:57:57.000 He's out. 1.00

01:57:58.000 Right.

01:57:58.000 And so they were saying, yeah, what you're saying happened.

01:58:01.000 And then the disciples are saying it.

01:58:03.000 Like, a big thing is the resurrection, right?

01:58:06.000 People say, really? 0.98

01:58:07.000 He fucking resurrected from the dead? 0.99

01:58:09.000 And you're like, well, everybody agreed. 1.00

01:58:13.000 Haters.

01:58:14.000 Romans and the Jewish people, everybody agreed he died.

01:58:18.000 That's 100%.

01:58:19.000 That's why when they stab him and you say water came out, it wasn't water.

01:58:24.000 It was fluid from his lungs because he was dead.

01:58:26.000 And that's what would happen to you or I when we die is we have this lung fluid that comes out.

01:58:30.000 So that's what they said, oh, that's water.

01:58:31.000 And that's what they made him divinity.

01:58:32.000 But it was like a natural thing.

01:58:34.000 He's dead.

01:58:34.000 Everyone agrees.

01:58:35.000 And you say, well, they buried him in a tomb.

01:58:39.000 And then the next day or three days later, the tomb's empty.

01:58:43.000 And people are like, so, you know, that made up.

01:58:46.000 And they say 500 people saw him in the town.

01:58:50.000 Romans and Hebrews, they saw him over the next couple of weeks.

01:58:53.000 500 independently sourced people, real, like corroborated, 500 people saw him.

01:58:59.000 So you say, okay, so there's that.

01:59:01.000 And then the other conspiracy theory is like, well...

01:59:06.000 The disciples robbed his body.

01:59:09.000 The disciples just robbed his body because they would hand over crucifixion victims to the wild dogs.

01:59:16.000 That used to be the way it was.

01:59:17.000 If you got crucified, throw you in a pit, wild dogs eat you, or leave you on the cross, birds will eat you.

01:59:21.000 That's how we deal with you.

01:59:22.000 So they're like, that's why they were taking his body.

01:59:25.000 And then you see that, well...

01:59:29.000 That's probably not what happened, and the Romans themselves acknowledged there's no body in that tomb that we put in there three days ago.

01:59:35.000 The body is not there, and we did it.

01:59:37.000 So in order to save ourselves, we're going to say the apostles robbed it.

01:59:42.000 But in reality, that's just a conspiracy because these apostles would have no reason to rob it.

01:59:49.000 So the Romans think the apostles robbed the body?

01:59:51.000 That's a conspiracy.

01:59:53.000 Why do you say conspiracy?

01:59:55.000 You're saying that conspiracy did diminish the story.

01:59:57.000 No, no, no.

01:59:58.000 I meant conspiracy in the sense of that's what people say as a reason why the...

02:00:03.000 Do the Romans say that?

02:00:04.000 The Romans have said that.

02:00:05.000 The Romans said that back then.

02:00:06.000 And then I guess conspiracy is the wrong word because I'm not...

02:00:10.000 Like, it's one story, one explanation, I'll say.

02:00:14.000 Explanation of...

02:00:15.000 But if you looked at it, like, what's the most logical explanation?

02:00:18.000 Is the most logical explanation that a dead guy came back to life, or the most logical explanation that someone took his body, because that's what the Romans said?

02:00:27.000 Oh...

02:00:28.000 I'm, just because I'm in, I'm saying that that is that one time.

02:00:35.000 And I'm not saying I'm crazy about it.

02:00:37.000 I'm just saying, you know what?

02:00:38.000 After reading that book, there was enough things that happened that historical scholars who aren't religious, some are believers, some are not, are like, this existed and this happened.

02:00:50.000 But you're talking about historical scholars from 2,000 years ago.

02:00:55.000 And their knowledge of science and biology and life and the universe itself was extremely limited.

02:01:05.000 Right.

02:01:05.000 And so their entire fundamentals, like everything they believed in was based on mythology.

02:01:13.000 Everything was based on gods and demons and...

02:01:18.000 Okay, so then what about this?

02:01:19.000 All right, fine.

02:01:20.000 What if the Romans... 0.84

02:01:21.000 Okay, they made it up, right?

02:01:23.000 I'm sorry.

02:01:23.000 I mean, the Romans are correct.

02:01:25.000 The disciples took the body who everyone agreed was dead.

02:01:29.000 What about the 500 people that saw him in the town over the next six weeks?

02:01:33.000 Did you talk to those people?

02:01:35.000 No.

02:01:35.000 I don't speak Hebrew.

02:01:36.000 So who knows what they actually believed?

02:01:39.000 Who knows how they said it?

02:01:41.000 Who knows if it was a religious thing?

02:01:44.000 Look, there's people that have mass hallucinations all the time about a lot of things, and there's people that you could give them false memory.

02:01:52.000 False memory is a real thing.

02:01:54.000 Someone can convince you that something happened that didn't happen.

02:01:58.000 It's real.

02:01:59.000 It's like they've demonstrated how to do it.

02:02:02.000 We all know friends that have a memory of something and you go, that's not what happened.

02:02:06.000 And then you say your version of it and then everybody has to figure out what really happened.

02:02:11.000 Right.

02:02:11.000 You know, you're like, do you remember that time we were at the game and you said this?

02:02:14.000 I didn't say that.

02:02:15.000 Like, that was not me.

02:02:16.000 Yeah.

02:02:16.000 That was Mike.

02:02:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:17.000 And you're like, what?

02:02:18.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:02:19.000 You remember Mike lost his job?

02:02:20.000 Right.

02:02:20.000 And he was drunk.

02:02:21.000 Do you remember?

02:02:22.000 And they're like, oh yeah.

02:02:23.000 Like, you thought it was me.

02:02:24.000 Like, you put it on me.

02:02:25.000 It was like, you change things.

02:02:27.000 Like, people change things.

02:02:28.000 Right.

02:02:28.000 They also, your memory becomes a memory of your memory and not the actual memory itself.

02:02:34.000 True.

02:02:34.000 It becomes a memory of the story you're telling.

02:02:36.000 Right.

02:02:36.000 And so if this person was this significant person A religious guru figure like Jesus was, right?

02:02:45.000 And he really does have this amazing view of how humanity can live in harmony, and he really does talk to people about this, and he really does preach forgiveness, and he really does treat everybody the same,

02:03:01.000 paupers and hookers and everyone. 1.00

02:03:03.000 Everyone's just God's children, loved. 0.93

02:03:06.000 When that guy's gone, you're gonna miss him, man.

02:03:08.000 You're gonna miss him bad.

02:03:09.000 And if you really do have a fundamental view of reality that's based entirely on myth, and you have connected this guy to the Son of Christ, or the Son of God, rather, this figure that is brought here to save us, and the Romans took him from us and killed him,

02:03:26.000 and now he died for our sins and the whole thing.

02:03:29.000 If you have that in your head, and then someone says, I saw him, like, I saw him too.

02:03:34.000 Right. 1.00

02:03:34.000 Like, people see the Virgin Mary in a fucking grilled cheese sandwich. 1.00

02:03:37.000 People see things. 1.00

02:03:39.000 Yeah.

02:03:39.000 You know, it doesn't mean those things aren't there.

02:03:41.000 Right.

02:03:42.000 It doesn't mean that it isn't a vision, but it also does mean that people see things that aren't...

02:03:46.000 And there's a lot of people that are not that bright.

02:03:49.000 Yeah.

02:03:49.000 They're not smart, and they're easily led, and they're easily manipulated.

02:03:53.000 It also doesn't mean that Jesus wasn't real.

02:03:55.000 Right.

02:03:56.000 Like, all those things.

02:03:57.000 But it's just...

02:03:58.000 The likelihood of someone coming back to life is very low.

02:04:02.000 Right.

02:04:03.000 The likelihood of someone taking his body is very high.

02:04:06.000 Right.

02:04:07.000 So if you used like Occam's razor, the simplest solution, the simplest answer is probably what you're searching for.

02:04:15.000 It's probably that someone took the body.

02:04:17.000 Right.

02:04:18.000 Dude.

02:04:19.000 Where do they put it?

02:04:20.000 Well, you could put it anywhere.

02:04:22.000 No one knows where Genghis Khan is buried.

02:04:24.000 No.

02:04:25.000 Genghis Khan, they did the wildest thing with him. 0.99

02:04:27.000 They sent a pack of people to bury Genghis Khan, then they sent another pack of people to kill the people That everybody that went to Genghis Khan's funeral was murdered.

02:04:38.000 They all got murdered by another group of people, and then those group of people got murdered by a separate group to make sure that no one had any understanding at all about where Genghis Khan was buried.

02:04:50.000 Oh my god!

02:04:51.000 To this day, no one knows where he was.

02:04:52.000 I think thousands of people died to hide his burial.

02:04:57.000 But it's got to be somewhere in Mongolia, right?

02:04:59.000 Somewhere, yeah.

02:04:59.000 Yeah.

02:05:00.000 No one knows.

02:05:00.000 Yeah.

02:05:01.000 Maybe they could do LIDAR over the entire country and figure it out.

02:05:04.000 Well, somebody will proclaim that they found it at some point.

02:05:08.000 Maybe.

02:05:08.000 You know?

02:05:09.000 They have no idea.

02:05:10.000 They have no idea.

02:05:11.000 See if you can find that story, because it's a pretty wild story.

02:05:14.000 What about people who they get canonized as saints because you exhume their body and they haven't, you know, decayed at all?

02:05:22.000 That's like a big thing.

02:05:24.000 Yeah.

02:05:24.000 What about those people?

02:05:25.000 Well, there's people—look, they found that guy who died in the glacier that was thousands of years old.

02:05:32.000 You know, people's bodies in the right situations.

02:05:36.000 Okay, hold on a second.

02:05:36.000 Marco Polo wrote, even by the late 13th century, the Mongols did not know the location of the tomb.

02:05:41.000 Secret history of the Mongols has the year Genghis Khan's death, 1227, but no information concerning his burial.

02:05:48.000 So, a frequently recounted tale, Marco Polo tells that 2,000 slaves attended his funeral, were killed by the soldiers sent to guard them, and that these soldiers in turn were killed by another group of soldiers, which killed anyone and anything that crossed their path in order to conceal where he was buried.

02:06:06.000 Finally, the legend states that when they reached their destination, they committed suicide.

02:06:11.000 Wow.

02:06:12.000 Oh, they commit suicide.

02:06:13.000 So that no one will ever know where he was buried.

02:06:17.000 Yeah.

02:06:18.000 That's wild.

02:06:19.000 That's pretty badass.

02:06:20.000 That's pretty badass.

02:06:21.000 That's pretty badass. 1.00

02:06:22.000 And they were fucking monsters, the Montgomery's. 1.00

02:06:24.000 They would kill everybody on horseback. 1.00

02:06:26.000 The best fighting force ever, some people say.

02:06:29.000 They killed 10% of the population. 1.00

02:06:31.000 Damn. 1.00

02:06:32.000 They killed so many people that they lowered the carbon footprint of Earth during the time he was alive. 1.00

02:06:38.000 Because so many people died that all the places that they had deforested, they chopped down the trees, trees grew back.

02:06:45.000 Right.

02:06:46.000 And they created more trees, so it created more oxygen, sucked out more carbon from the air, because nothing's better at eating carbon than trees.

02:06:56.000 They live off carbon dioxide.

02:06:58.000 So you could do a core sample and show that these people killed so many people that they lowered the carbon footprint of humans on Earth.

02:07:07.000 That's pretty nuts.

02:07:08.000 They killed somewhere during his lifetime, somewhere between 50 and 70 million people, depending on how you do the calculations.

02:07:14.000 So is there anybody, if you extrapolate that, did he kill more people than Stalin and Hitler? 0.86

02:07:20.000 Way more than, percentage-wise.

02:07:21.000 Yeah, he killed more than anybody ever.

02:07:23.000 His people did during his lifetime because they conquered a giant swath of the world.

02:07:29.000 The Mongols, I think they were in control of like a quarter of Earth. 1.00

02:07:34.000 Dude, Asians are fucking brutal. 1.00

02:07:36.000 White people, we get the worst rap in history, but Asians fucking kill each other and are so racist and hate each other like you can't imagine, dude. 1.00

02:07:44.000 You know like the rape of Nan King? 1.00

02:07:46.000 Yes. 0.98

02:07:46.000 Dude, it's like, white people never did that. 0.98

02:07:49.000 Yeah. 0.90

02:07:49.000 That was crazy. 0.90

02:07:50.000 Bayonetting babies and shit. 1.00

02:07:52.000 Yeah, horrific. 1.00

02:07:53.000 And Genghis Khan. 0.99

02:07:54.000 Sometimes I'm like, hey man, I get white people, I get we have our history, but it's like, so does fucking everybody else. 1.00

02:07:58.000 Stop it. 0.99

02:07:59.000 It's also just brutal times require brutal people.

02:08:03.000 I mean, that was a brutal time to be alive.

02:08:07.000 Yeah, right?

02:08:07.000 You can't...

02:08:08.000 I read something about those times back...

02:08:11.000 This was more medieval times.

02:08:12.000 This was interesting that sex was not taboo.

02:08:18.000 It was because we all had to live under one roof.

02:08:21.000 So sex was just animalistic to procreate to get more bodies on the farm.

02:08:24.000 So you would watch your mom and dad have sex right next to you It wasn't a thing about cleansiness. 1.00

02:08:31.000 I mean, I'm sure you had to get an erection and get wet, so there had to be some type of something.

02:08:35.000 But it was like this wild thing where this whole idea of taboo, sex being taboo, and having terms for everything is pretty much like a new...

02:08:45.000 I read this whole thing about impotence court in France.

02:08:50.000 So back in the day, dude, there was this guy who wrote this. 0.99

02:08:54.000 It's called Fucking History. 0.98

02:08:55.000 The author's name is The Captain. 0.99

02:08:57.000 This guy's the man.

02:08:58.000 And it's cool.

02:08:59.000 I read one page a day, and it's about different times in history, kind of applied to today.

02:09:03.000 But this one thing I read about was in the 1600s, there was an impotence court. 0.99

02:09:07.000 So if you could get divorced, if your wife or if you wanted a divorce, the wife wanted a divorce, The only way out was you had to go to this court and you had to prove that your husband is impotent and can't get his dick up. 0.97

02:09:23.000 So the court were there and then you'd have to perform the act. 0.99

02:09:27.000 And if the husband couldn't get it up, you have to have sex in front of people, couldn't get it up, would grant you...

02:09:33.000 The divorce because that was the only grounds that it was necessary for. 0.84

02:09:38.000 Right, because he needed procreation.

02:09:39.000 You needed procreation.

02:09:40.000 That's what this is about.

02:09:41.000 So he wouldn't deny a woman's ability to procreate. 0.98

02:09:43.000 The man can't get an erection, so you could leave him. 1.00

02:09:46.000 And then I think if he did prove his manhood and have sex with her and get a hard-on and cum, I think then he had the legal right to kill her. 1.00

02:09:54.000 Oh. 1.00

02:09:55.000 For even taking him to court. 1.00

02:09:56.000 So if you can fuck her in front of everybody, then you can kill her? 1.00

02:09:59.000 Isn't that like wild how times used to- They were a fucking brutal man. 1.00

02:10:04.000 It's not that long ago. 0.99

02:10:05.000 We have the same brain as them, right?

02:10:07.000 We're just more civilized.

02:10:08.000 It's not like our brain has went over this insane evolution yet.

02:10:11.000 I have that guy's brain, but I just don't do it.

02:10:15.000 I guess we're more societal pressures not to do it.

02:10:19.000 Well, also, society has changed where we have more access to information.

02:10:23.000 We know how other people feel.

02:10:26.000 Back then, they didn't care.

02:10:27.000 Dude, isn't that one?

02:10:28.000 Like, the smartest...

02:10:29.000 Like, the Elon Musks and the, you know, Stephen Hawkins of, like...

02:10:33.000 That time, they thought that the sun went around the Earth.

02:10:39.000 Yeah, they thought the Earth was the center of the universe.

02:10:45.000 And they were as confident as our smart people saying, we are positive that it's the other way.

02:10:51.000 Sort of.

02:10:52.000 But when Copernicus and all these different people figured out that that wasn't the case, Galileo...

02:10:59.000 No, I know that, but I'm saying, so what do you think today we believe in that we will be disproved in a major way?

02:11:05.000 Because when Copernicus and Galileo came out and said, I'm sure it's the other way, I have the proof, and then everybody was like, wait, what?

02:11:14.000 What do you think today...

02:11:17.000 We're believing, as fact, even you and me are believing, but it's going to be disproven.

02:11:22.000 If you had a hunch, what do you think it is?

02:11:24.000 That's an interesting question.

02:11:26.000 Thank you.

02:11:26.000 I don't know.

02:11:27.000 I don't know what it would be, obviously, because obviously this is a thing that we all believe today. 0.81

02:11:32.000 Like, how the fuck could I know that that would be the thing that wouldn't be?

02:11:34.000 You should read this part of the... 0.73

02:11:36.000 What is it?

02:11:36.000 This is about the impotence court.

02:11:38.000 What does it say?

02:11:40.000 The unhappy?

02:11:41.000 Yes.

02:11:42.000 The unhappy couple would then be subject to separate examinations to speculate groping by surgeons, physicians, and midwives. 0.93

02:11:50.000 Speculative, excuse me, groping by surgeons, physicians, and midwives.

02:11:54.000 A husband's natural parts were scrutinized for color, shape, and number.

02:11:59.000 The best thing he could hope for were the inspection...

02:12:02.000 Specters of delicate demeanor.

02:12:04.000 Various hypotheses were created. 0.97

02:12:06.000 Could he muster an erection? 0.94

02:12:09.000 Expel reproductive fluids on demand? 1.00

02:12:11.000 Was he capable of healthy performance?

02:12:14.000 Or had he been forcing his partner into...

02:12:17.000 How do you say that word?

02:12:20.000 Lascivious?

02:12:22.000 Lascivious.

02:12:35.000 I think so.

02:12:39.000 The experts waited around a fire.

02:12:42.000 Many a time did he call out, come, come now!

02:12:45.000 But it was always a false alarm.

02:12:47.000 The wife laughed and told them, do not hurry so, for I know him well.

02:12:53.000 The experts said after that, never had they laughed as much nor slept as little as on that night.

02:13:00.000 Oh my gosh, they're just laughing. 0.99

02:13:02.000 This poor fucking guy is freaking out. 1.00

02:13:03.000 There we go! 1.00

02:13:04.000 I got a hard-hunt. 1.00

02:13:05.000 She's like, he ain't got shit. 1.00

02:13:07.000 Shit. 1.00

02:13:07.000 Oh my God. 1.00

02:13:08.000 I mean, I couldn't do that.

02:13:09.000 If you want to ask me to...

02:13:10.000 I mean, it's very difficult.

02:13:12.000 It's crazy.

02:13:12.000 There's no way to be able to get hard.

02:13:13.000 Imagine you're in court and you got to fuck. 0.99

02:13:16.000 They're also saying that divorce was illegal then. 1.00

02:13:19.000 Okay.

02:13:19.000 So most of these would have to come from the women.

02:13:22.000 And most of their majority, like 20% of the cases, it was from nobility.

02:13:26.000 So like rich women were saying... 1.00

02:13:27.000 Oh boy.

02:13:28.000 My husband can't get a hard...

02:13:29.000 So they have to.

02:13:30.000 But then you would have to prove it.

02:13:31.000 That's real.

02:13:32.000 And then it was on whichever partner actually was found to not be able to get it up had to pay for the court proceedings and lawyers and everything.

02:13:40.000 They were checking a woman's wetness?

02:13:42.000 Like, what do you mean?

02:13:44.000 It could happen the other way.

02:13:45.000 They could say the woman's impotent. 1.00

02:13:46.000 Or a woman can't give birth. 1.00

02:13:48.000 That's a big thing.

02:13:48.000 You can't give birth to sons.

02:13:50.000 Yeah.

02:13:51.000 Yeah, that was a big thing. 0.82

02:13:52.000 King Henry VIII, right, he killed all his wives and he was the one that was controlling the sex. 0.87

02:13:56.000 But science didn't know that yet.

02:13:57.000 The thing is also that, boy, when human beings used to have fertility rituals, like they were always trying to reproduce because people died so early.

02:14:07.000 Yeah.

02:14:08.000 People died of everything.

02:14:10.000 They died of a broken leg, dead.

02:14:11.000 Injury, dead.

02:14:13.000 Infection, dead.

02:14:15.000 Blood infection, sepsis, dead.

02:14:17.000 Everybody just died.

02:14:18.000 That's when people look at the average age of people back then.

02:14:23.000 Oh, people only lived to 30. That's really because there was so much infant mortality, and infant mortality and childhood mortality factors in that, because half your kids were going to die.

02:14:33.000 It's not like today.

02:14:33.000 You have five kids.

02:14:34.000 Five kids are at my grandfather's house.

02:14:37.000 Hey, everybody's grown up now.

02:14:38.000 They have kids of their own.

02:14:39.000 Hey! 0.99

02:14:39.000 Back then, everybody died. 0.99

02:14:41.000 So you're saying back then, there were still plenty of 50, 60, and 70-year-olds walking around. 0.98

02:14:45.000 There's probably a few, you know, that, like, dodged bullets and made it to that way and fucking pulled arrows out of their back. 0.76

02:14:51.000 But the bottom line is, like, it's the same... 0.99

02:14:54.000 What's that guy's boner? 0.87

02:14:55.000 Why are you showing us this? 1.00

02:14:56.000 This gets into saying that big dicks were an issue back then or something. 0.98

02:15:00.000 They were using this statue as a scarecrow in many places because it would threaten rape, so it would just scare people away from the gardens and whatnot. 0.99

02:15:08.000 What? 0.91

02:15:09.000 You see a big boner that would keep people from raping people? 1.00

02:15:13.000 Look at the dogs on these folks. 1.00

02:15:15.000 It's crazy.

02:15:15.000 Jesus.

02:15:16.000 And that's them soft.

02:15:17.000 Look at that guy.

02:15:18.000 Look at that soft. 1.00

02:15:19.000 That guy's a liar. 1.00

02:15:19.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:15:20.000 No way.

02:15:21.000 Perfect.

02:15:21.000 That's what I have.

02:15:22.000 No circumcision back then either. 0.87

02:15:24.000 Or maybe there was.

02:15:25.000 I don't know.

02:15:25.000 No.

02:15:25.000 They said they would parade them around on comic stages of Athens until the 4th century.

02:15:31.000 Giant members.

02:15:32.000 Giant members.

02:15:33.000 Guys with giant hogs. 1.00

02:15:34.000 Yeah.

02:15:35.000 Wow.

02:15:36.000 Okay.

02:15:37.000 What's that word?

02:15:38.000 Tumescent.

02:15:39.000 Where do you see that? 0.99

02:15:40.000 Perhaps the abundance of tumescent dicks. 0.99

02:15:43.000 Tumescent? 0.99

02:15:43.000 Played a role. 0.99

02:15:44.000 Tumescent?

02:15:45.000 It sounds eloquent.

02:15:46.000 Maybe the abundance of...

02:15:48.000 Giant.

02:15:48.000 Giant hog.

02:15:50.000 Yes.

02:15:50.000 What does it mean?

02:15:52.000 Have you ever used that word?

02:15:54.000 I've never used that word.

02:15:55.000 Tumescent, no.

02:15:56.000 Swollen.

02:15:57.000 Swollen. 0.99

02:15:58.000 So hard dicks. 1.00

02:16:00.000 Hard dicks. 1.00

02:16:01.000 So they'd tie their dick off, get a boner, probably tie a little rope around the base of their balls and everything and keep it hard? 1.00

02:16:08.000 Look at what I got here. 1.00

02:16:09.000 Look at my fat cock. 1.00

02:16:11.000 I think back then, too, I think that soldiers, I read a lot of stuff about the Roman soldiers. 0.99

02:16:17.000 I think Greek soldiers were like, you know, had wives and kids, but on the battlefield the night before was totally okay to be gay, have an intimate relationship, because they thought you have to be in love with the man you're protecting next to you in order to protect him in the right way.

02:16:31.000 That's what the Spartans felt, right?

02:16:33.000 That's what it was.

02:16:33.000 Because that's who it was then.

02:16:34.000 Yeah, but there's a lot of gay sex going on back then. 1.00

02:16:37.000 I think people did a lot of gay stuff. 0.99

02:16:39.000 A lot of pedastry. 0.97

02:16:41.000 Bestiality, right? 0.99

02:16:41.000 I think we have a lot of terms now for shit, but I think back then, like James Buchanan, who was the president before Abraham Lincoln, they used to call him. 0.99

02:16:52.000 He didn't have a wife. 0.98

02:16:54.000 He had a senator who was like, they would call him Aunt Nancy. 0.96

02:16:59.000 That was like their nickname for him because they were like, these two guys are gay, right?

02:17:03.000 But the public at the time knew that, but didn't care.

02:17:07.000 You being, your sexuality was never in the minds of the American voter in the 1800s.

02:17:13.000 That came later.

02:17:14.000 I don't know when it came, but I was fascinated to read that I was like, oh wow, back then when you think that You know, people must have been much more conservative back then. 0.98

02:17:22.000 They were like, no, we don't give a shit at all. 0.94

02:17:23.000 Like, just do get the country in order. 0.99

02:17:26.000 And actually, it plays a part because James Buchanan being, you know, possibly gay and with this guy and, you know, calling him Nancy, this senator boyfriend of his.

02:17:36.000 Was a senator from the South, and it was James Buchanan's presidency because he was giving all these favors to, they think, his boyfriend of that state that tipped the balance scales and kind of caused the Civil War.

02:17:48.000 That's what they say.

02:17:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.96

02:17:50.000 Yeah, I don't have the hard facts on it, but I remember reading that and I was like, yo, that's fucking wild.

02:17:55.000 We're like, you just bet like Abraham Lincoln kind of took over a country that was the roller coaster had went down.

02:18:01.000 He could not stop it.

02:18:03.000 And they say that he really sided with the kind of freeing the slaves and the North and the Union because they had much more soldiers and were much bigger than the South.

02:18:13.000 But like, if that was the other way, Lincoln wasn't, at the time, you know, you can make up what you want, and some people agree and disagree, but it's like, he was going with what he thought was best to preserve the Union.

02:18:26.000 Not necessarily, you know, I think slavery at that time, a lot of people started to be like, this is gross now, stop doing it.

02:18:33.000 But I read a thing too where it was just geography where they said if the cotton plantations were in the north, you would have had the slaves and we would have been the non-slave holders.

02:18:42.000 So like we had to do that with the – of course they didn't, but they would say we had to do that with technology.

02:18:48.000 At the time, this is what we had to – we needed the manpower and they were the only people who would do it.

02:18:53.000 It's really just that they could do it.

02:18:55.000 They could, right.

02:18:56.000 They could do it.

02:18:57.000 They definitely didn't have to.

02:18:58.000 Yeah, because, you know, I read this thing about...

02:19:00.000 They could have just paid people.

02:19:01.000 Well, like, and Native, you know, because, you know, they were saying, like, where the specific place...

02:19:06.000 I forgot where it was.

02:19:10.000 Specific, tumulent, specific place they got the...

02:19:16.000 Slaves from in Africa were people who were very kind, giving people.

02:19:21.000 There wasn't any war there, so they believed you.

02:19:23.000 If you said, come with me, I'll come with you, because I listen.

02:19:28.000 We're all at peace here where we are, so why wouldn't I come with you?

02:19:32.000 And then the Portuguese were enslaving them and putting them on these ships, and then that's why they were able to get them from that part. 0.98

02:19:39.000 They knew that, which is really...

02:19:41.000 Sinister, these are good people that are just – their culture is to follow.

02:19:46.000 But then you have like the Native Americans who were on the land at the same time in America and you couldn't enslave them because they would be like, no, we're fighting everybody around us because they could have subjugated them too. 0.85

02:20:00.000 I forgot what book it was, but I was reading it.

02:20:02.000 They couldn't.

02:20:03.000 They just couldn't.

02:20:03.000 It was like wild horses.

02:20:05.000 So they purposely went to a place where the culture was to be kind people.

02:20:09.000 And I was like, oh, that's like a really horrible part of like the human brain, even though I know at that time things were different.

02:20:14.000 But I'm like, that's pretty just evil to do that.

02:20:18.000 There's a lot of evil in history.

02:20:19.000 Yeah.

02:20:20.000 History is flooded with evil.

02:20:22.000 There's almost no instances of people not being evil.

02:20:26.000 Every culture, by the way.

02:20:27.000 Every culture.

02:20:28.000 It's not just one group.

02:20:29.000 Every culture.

02:20:30.000 I saw this one thing.

02:20:32.000 I can't...

02:20:32.000 I'm blanking on all these things that I read it.

02:20:35.000 Where who we are as homo sapiens...

02:20:37.000 I'm sure you know this.

02:20:39.000 There's however many groups of homo sapiens there were, different types of humanoids.

02:20:45.000 But us homo sapiens, whether...

02:20:50.000 Yeah.

02:20:54.000 Yeah.

02:20:55.000 Yeah.

02:21:12.000 But what keeps me going is war.

02:21:14.000 What keeps me going is a problem that I have to fix like that.

02:21:17.000 So I was like, oh, that was interesting.

02:21:18.000 I don't know if any of it's founded.

02:21:19.000 Well, we're certainly hardwired for conflict.

02:21:22.000 Right?

02:21:22.000 Humans are hardwired.

02:21:23.000 I mean, there's no one today that's rational that believes that, like, in three years we'll have no war on Earth.

02:21:30.000 Right.

02:21:30.000 I mean, could you imagine a time with no war anywhere on Earth?

02:21:33.000 You can't.

02:21:34.000 No, that's not possible.

02:21:36.000 Humans do war, which is the thing that everyone's the most fearful of.

02:21:40.000 The most terrifying things in history are war, and we just, even though we know that, and most people don't want war, we assume there will never be a time with no war, which is a crazy thought.

02:21:51.000 You asked me earlier, why do you think the NYPD is not, you know, why do you think the city's going to fail?

02:21:58.000 Here's a conspiracy.

02:21:59.000 I guess you would call this a conspiracy or maybe an explanation, again, from one of my cop friends.

02:22:03.000 He's like, you know why they're doing that?

02:22:05.000 He's like, the high, high up people, you know, those people that don't even exist on paper that are worth 10 times as much as Elon Musk and whatever, those guys, they want AI, They want it in the police forces.

02:22:17.000 They want it in the world.

02:22:18.000 So what they're doing is they're causing chaos here.

02:22:20.000 And they're going to cause so much chaos that we're going to beg to just be ruled by AI. We're going to be begged for an indifferent AI piece of machinery that sees it in black and white and will do the right things, put the criminals in jail, is who will be ruling this city.

02:22:36.000 And it's going to take some time, but that's what it is.

02:22:39.000 Do cops tell you that?

02:22:40.000 A cop told me that.

02:22:41.000 Wow.

02:22:42.000 I didn't dismiss him.

02:22:44.000 I was like...

02:22:45.000 It makes sense.

02:22:46.000 And he was being like, that's what it is.

02:22:48.000 What else could it be? 0.97

02:22:49.000 And I was like, dude, I don't fucking know, man. 0.65

02:22:51.000 It's the idea. 0.92

02:22:53.000 I don't think they're thinking that far in advance, honestly.

02:22:56.000 I think the ideology of these woke people, it's really a cult.

02:23:00.000 And the cult is that there is some institutional racism that has caused all these people to be locked up, and the only solution is to just let them out.

02:23:13.000 And when they commit crime, it's because of institutional racism.

02:23:17.000 Let's put them in that position. 1.00

02:23:18.000 That's where they're committing crime. 0.64

02:23:19.000 And the only solution is to let them out and to just tolerate it. 0.96

02:23:24.000 And this is to try to break this cycle, which is ridiculous.

02:23:28.000 That's not how to do it.

02:23:30.000 The way to do it is to make wherever they live To enrich it so that it's not so crime-ridden and gang-ridden that there's other ways out.

02:23:38.000 Right.

02:23:38.000 So people don't lose their lives being connected to the culture of wherever they're at because it's just so criminally entrenched.

02:23:46.000 Yeah.

02:23:47.000 Yeah.

02:23:47.000 I mean, it's just they're not thinking that far in advance.

02:23:51.000 I think most of the people that are Propagating this stuff.

02:23:54.000 But I also think we're being influenced by other countries.

02:23:56.000 I think we're being influenced by social media, which is also being influenced by foreign actors that are doing things and saying things and promoting things specifically to degrade our confidence in our system. 1.00

02:24:10.000 Yeah.

02:24:11.000 Because we are the only system that's like this.

02:24:13.000 We're the first experiment in self-government in the world that we're aware of other than the Greeks, obviously. 0.90

02:24:19.000 But the Greeks did it out of psychedelics. 0.91

02:24:21.000 They learned to develop democracy.

02:24:25.000 I believe that, too.

02:24:26.000 And I think that maybe that's something that in the future, like we're living through it now, but in the future, they'll be like, oh, remember when the years those people were on social media and they got into all these wars and destroyed the planet if it gets there because of these things that weren't even real?

02:24:41.000 It's going to be history.

02:24:42.000 The influence of it is going to be measured.

02:24:44.000 It's going to be monitored.

02:24:45.000 It's going to be a very hotly discussed topic, because it's controversial even today while it's happening, and the evidence is irrefutable.

02:24:53.000 The evidence of its presence is irrefutable, but there's still some people that don't think that that's what's causing it.

02:24:58.000 I think it's certainly exacerbating it, at the very least.

02:25:01.000 I don't know if it's caused it, but the infiltration of the education institutions by other countries is well documented, too.

02:25:08.000 They know what they're doing, and it's working.

02:25:10.000 I mean, Yuri Bezmenov, we've talked about it a thousand times, unfortunately, that video from 84. I saw it.

02:25:15.000 All that stuff is crazy.

02:25:17.000 Lay the plan.

02:25:17.000 Yeah, they were talking about this in 84. Yeah.

02:25:20.000 It's actually, the chickens have come home to roost.

02:25:23.000 It's really going on right now.

02:25:25.000 Yeah.

02:25:25.000 You're seeing it on college campuses today.

02:25:27.000 I know.

02:25:28.000 New York, Columbia University.

02:25:30.000 Nuts.

02:25:30.000 It's all over the news.

02:25:32.000 They're cult people.

02:25:33.000 They're basically in this weird societal collapse cult.

02:25:38.000 They want society as it stands right now.

02:25:41.000 They think it's fundamentally terrible. 0.90

02:25:44.000 And it should be destroyed.

02:25:45.000 So like those people, when we speak about these people that want this and want that, do you think like there's things about the universe that they know for a fact that they're as human as you and I and they just know it and this is why they do what they do?

02:25:59.000 No.

02:25:59.000 Like, they're speculating.

02:26:00.000 I don't think they're thinking that far in advance.

02:26:02.000 That's the thing I'm thinking, the problem with all of this, is no one's...

02:26:06.000 Like, freedom of speech.

02:26:08.000 If you take away people's freedom of speech because you think they're wrong and you're right, the problem is then someone else who comes along can also take away your freedom of speech.

02:26:16.000 Sure.

02:26:16.000 If they get into power, if they think you're wrong, you gotta have people be able to talk about things so you can figure out what's right and what's wrong, and sort things out.

02:26:24.000 Find out what's true, what's not true, what's...

02:26:26.000 The only way to do that is freedom of speech, and you have to allow people to do that, even if they say things that you don't enjoy, you don't want to hear.

02:26:33.000 It's better to have someone refute that and work it out than to silence people.

02:26:38.000 As soon as you don't think that, then you've silenced discourse. 0.80

02:26:42.000 If you've silenced discourse, you've fucked up all progress.

02:26:45.000 And now people are just going to cling to whatever it is, like the reason why they went after Galileo.

02:26:52.000 Because people have an entrenched set of beliefs, and they don't want anything to come along and challenge that.

02:26:57.000 And anything that does, they'll squash that. 1.00

02:26:59.000 They'll kill you, they'll fucking torture you. 1.00

02:27:01.000 And that's the time we're in now, the puritanical. 1.00

02:27:03.000 Yeah.

02:27:04.000 It's very similar to that.

02:27:06.000 The woke stuff is very similar to religion in a lot of ways.

02:27:10.000 It's absolute adherence.

02:27:12.000 Anyone who deviates at all is cast out of the kingdom.

02:27:17.000 They attack you.

02:27:19.000 It's just like a cult.

02:27:20.000 Right.

02:27:21.000 I think it's lost a lot of, I mean, it feels like it's lost a lot of, more of its power now.

02:27:26.000 It feels like most people are like, well, just, well, you know.

02:27:28.000 People are coming out of the fever heat, the haze of it all. 0.99

02:27:32.000 Like, what the fuck was going on? 0.98

02:27:34.000 And I think they're more aware of how crazy it all is now than ever before. 0.99

02:27:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:27:38.000 But there's still a lot of people, on universities especially, that are just deeply entrenched.

02:27:43.000 And it's also their identity.

02:27:44.000 It's a way that they could be interesting.

02:27:46.000 It's a way that they can get social status.

02:27:48.000 Status is a big factor.

02:27:50.000 It's a giant factor in how people behave and why they do what they do.

02:27:54.000 And it's certainly – social media is the worst for that.

02:27:57.000 Because so many people, they post these cringy things on social media.

02:28:00.000 Like, I know what you're doing.

02:28:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:28:03.000 You're just fishing for likes, you fucking weirdo. 1.00

02:28:05.000 See, I think we all starting to know that now. 1.00

02:28:07.000 Because I remember when I was...

02:28:08.000 When my daughter, who's eight now, was like one or two, we had a friend.

02:28:14.000 And they were giving their kid, who was like, I think 10...

02:28:18.000 Social media as a birthday gift.

02:28:20.000 You would hear that a lot.

02:28:21.000 I'm going to give my kids social media.

02:28:22.000 But now nobody would do that.

02:28:23.000 Now we would know how poison that is for a kid.

02:28:26.000 And that was just five, six years ago where people weren't aware of the kind of dangers of it all.

02:28:32.000 That might be a thing where people, when they were smoking cigarettes, didn't know that they were killing themselves.

02:28:38.000 And the smoking industry was allowed to just promote.

02:28:41.000 That might be It's so pervasive, though.

02:28:45.000 I think it's going to turn into something even crazier.

02:28:48.000 I think with AI, the introduction of AI and then newer technology that allows some other form of communication, it's just going to get even weirder.

02:28:57.000 I just think this is the reality that we're living in.

02:29:00.000 We are a technological society.

02:29:03.000 We are technology creating species.

02:29:06.000 Right.

02:29:07.000 And we're going to keep going.

02:29:08.000 Just keep it going and then you think the first person who might live forever with their conscious uploaded into an AI is alive right now.

02:29:17.000 I don't know.

02:29:18.000 It's possible.

02:29:19.000 If that actually happens, I don't know if that happens.

02:29:21.000 I think something happens.

02:29:23.000 I think for me to speculate would be kind of crazy, but I think something wild is going to happen pretty soon.

02:29:29.000 I think with AI and the way AI is progressing, that it's going to be smarter than every human being alive inside of five years.

02:29:37.000 Oh, yeah.

02:29:37.000 Where does that take us?

02:29:39.000 Yeah.

02:29:40.000 Do we find ourselves in a position like your cop friend said, where AI has to govern the country?

02:29:45.000 Because that does make sense.

02:29:47.000 But the problem is, like, who is in charge of the AI? Who gets to program the AI? Right.

02:29:52.000 Because AI is not immune to being programmed. 0.97

02:29:54.000 We saw with that Google AI that the founding fathers were all black. 0.92

02:29:59.000 Did you see that? 0.86

02:30:00.000 They show us a photo of a poet with a black eye, Asian lady. 1.00

02:30:06.000 It's like it doesn't know how to avoid the woke bullshit that it's been programmed with. 1.00

02:30:11.000 Not yet. 0.99

02:30:11.000 But it could adapt. 0.99

02:30:12.000 It could adapt.

02:30:13.000 And if it does adapt and it becomes objective and it actually has...

02:30:17.000 Smart decisions that would benefit the entire country as a whole people are going to want to listen to it because it's going to be superior to us and it's not going to have the greed and Deception built into it that human beings do it's not going to be right supposedly influenced by money Yeah,

02:30:33.000 but of course I mean yeah well it becomes sentient that it doesn't you know right now it's controlled by people it's but if it becomes something that designed itself You know, if it surpasses the design of human beings and creates its own version of itself,

02:30:49.000 but a far superior version of it, and then we allow that thing to lead us.

02:30:53.000 So what we got to do is find jobs that you just want to be towards the back of the line, because AI is going to start to take over job after job.

02:31:01.000 But comedian, we're pretty far down the line I mean, I know AI could take us over on TV and on the internet.

02:31:08.000 Well, live performances are still going to be a thing.

02:31:10.000 Sports.

02:31:10.000 Live sports are still going to be a thing.

02:31:12.000 So you're at the back of the line for AI. I mean, they're trying to hold off technology in sports by limiting steroid use, right?

02:31:20.000 Because what is steroid use?

02:31:21.000 It's manipulating chemicals in order to achieve a superior human being physically.

02:31:26.000 A superior specimen that can do things that an average person can't.

02:31:30.000 Like, when you look at bodybuilders, that is not possible without technology.

02:31:34.000 No.

02:31:34.000 There's no way.

02:31:35.000 You don't get that big.

02:31:36.000 That's crazy.

02:31:37.000 You're not supposed to be that big.

02:31:38.000 Those people are that big because of human-invented technology that allows you to introduce massive amounts of hormones in your system that don't make any sense. 0.99

02:31:47.000 And you're fucking 350 pounds, you're 5'7". 0.99

02:31:50.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:31:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:31:51.000 But there's people like that in the world. 0.99

02:31:52.000 Yeah, they're monsters. 0.99

02:31:53.000 Monsters.

02:31:54.000 And I heard that, you know, I was always taught that steroids will give you cancer, all these bad things, but I read recently that was just based off one study a while ago that steroids done right is actually not healthy, but it's not going to kill you if you do these things right.

02:32:08.000 Where are all the bodies?

02:32:09.000 That's the thing.

02:32:09.000 There'd be so many bodies.

02:32:11.000 There's so many bodies of people who smoke cigarettes.

02:32:13.000 There's so many bodies of people who drank themselves to death.

02:32:16.000 And there are bodies for people that did overdo steroids and wind up having heart attacks and stuff.

02:32:20.000 But God, there's a lot of people that did it and didn't have anything go wrong with them.

02:32:23.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:32:24.000 It gets tempting, you know?

02:32:25.000 That's that documentary, Bigger, Stronger, Faster.

02:32:27.000 That's probably what it was, yeah.

02:32:28.000 Bigger, Stronger, Faster. 0.82

02:32:29.000 Yeah, because I just started taking creatine like three weeks ago and I feel like fucking awesome. 0.96

02:32:33.000 Creatine's great for your brain. 0.98

02:32:35.000 Yes.

02:32:35.000 There was a study recently that showed that creatine mitigates the effects of lack of sleep, too.

02:32:41.000 Wow.

02:32:41.000 Yeah, so if you have a lack of sleep and you take creatine, it's supposed to increase your performance and things and makes it so that the lack of sleep doesn't really affect you nearly as much.

02:32:51.000 Yeah, it says on my bottle not to take the creatine with caffeine.

02:32:54.000 It says don't do that.

02:32:56.000 Really?

02:32:56.000 My powder, naked creatine, it says don't mix this with caffeine.

02:32:59.000 And then I read it because they counterbalance the effects of each other somehow.

02:33:04.000 That makes sense.

02:33:05.000 So it's like you're taking it and you're not getting the full...

02:33:08.000 Benefit of it.

02:33:08.000 Yeah, creatine is actually a nootropic.

02:33:10.000 It actually helps brain function.

02:33:12.000 Interesting.

02:33:13.000 Creatine does a lot of good things.

02:33:14.000 Well, you got to think about, right, it helps your body hold more water, right?

02:33:18.000 Which is why one of the things it does, it makes you stronger.

02:33:21.000 Yeah.

02:33:21.000 Because it allows you to hold more water, you get a little bigger, stronger.

02:33:24.000 But people would always say you get bloated and fat, which that's not true either.

02:33:27.000 Yeah, you get bloated from, you know, you can get bloated from many things.

02:33:30.000 You definitely can get a fatter face if you have more water in your face.

02:33:33.000 But it's also...

02:33:34.000 It's like, what are you eating?

02:33:35.000 Well, I'm saying I've been on creatine for, you know, upwards of a month now, and I feel my performance is going up in the gym.

02:33:41.000 I'm a little bigger, but I haven't lost...

02:33:43.000 My scale number is the same.

02:33:44.000 I think I've lost body fat.

02:33:46.000 Well, that's probably because you're working hard.

02:33:48.000 I think that creatine is a very overall positive supplement.

02:33:52.000 I don't think there's any negatives associated with creatine.

02:33:54.000 I'm sure you could probably overdo it, like you could overdo anything.

02:33:58.000 Creatine is one of the safer supplements, like performance supplements.

02:34:02.000 Yeah.

02:34:02.000 And it's good for you in a lot of ways.

02:34:04.000 It's actually a part of food, right?

02:34:07.000 Isn't it like creatine from food itself?

02:34:09.000 It's in steak.

02:34:10.000 I take creatine and scoop a sauerkraut for the fermented food every day, baby.

02:34:16.000 I love sauerkraut.

02:34:17.000 How great is it?

02:34:17.000 A hot dog with sauerkraut and some brown mustard.

02:34:20.000 The kind of hot dogs that snap.

02:34:22.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:22.000 Oh, baby.

02:34:23.000 I fucking love it. 0.98

02:34:24.000 Talk to me. 0.99

02:34:25.000 Even though the bun's bad for you, who cares?

02:34:27.000 Let's go.

02:34:28.000 Well, they say the hot dog is bad for you, right?

02:34:30.000 Says it.

02:34:30.000 Who?

02:34:31.000 Communists?

02:34:32.000 Yes, exactly.

02:34:33.000 If it snaps in your mouth like those really good kosher hot dogs.

02:34:37.000 Love it, dude.

02:34:38.000 They're so good.

02:34:39.000 Oh, yeah. 0.97

02:34:40.000 It's fucking neat, dude. 0.99

02:34:41.000 There's so many foods that are so good that are so bad for you. 0.99

02:34:44.000 Yeah, like the other day, two sleeves of Oreos in one sitting. 0.99

02:34:46.000 Damn. 1.00

02:34:47.000 Damn, son. 1.00

02:34:48.000 Milk? 1.00

02:34:49.000 Oh, yeah.

02:34:50.000 Got it.

02:34:50.000 Milk was going wild.

02:34:51.000 Did you dunk?

02:34:52.000 Dunked them all.

02:34:53.000 But I did it in my fasting window, so I didn't feel too bad about myself.

02:34:56.000 Oh, there you go.

02:34:57.000 There it is.

02:34:57.000 You knock it out.

02:34:58.000 There you go.

02:34:58.000 But people can eat, man.

02:35:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:35:00.000 They'll go fucking wild. 1.00

02:35:02.000 For me, it's anything carbs. 0.99

02:35:04.000 Pasta and pizza.

02:35:06.000 That's my cheat stuff.

02:35:08.000 Right.

02:35:09.000 If I'm going to have a meal where I know I'm not supposed to eat it, but I'm just going to enjoy it, it's always like pizza, carbs, pasta, lasagna, something like that. 0.99

02:35:16.000 Yeah, just go fucking wild. 0.98

02:35:17.000 Let's go. 0.99

02:35:18.000 But then I just stop afterwards, like, okay, we did it.

02:35:21.000 I think I might have told you this the last time I was here, but my father is a big eater.

02:35:24.000 He ate an entire tray of lasagna one day, like, in front of us.

02:35:29.000 Like, throughout the day at Christmas, he ate the entire tray of lasagna.

02:35:32.000 Then he slept at my house, and he woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains.

02:35:37.000 And...

02:35:40.000 And him and his wife, my stepmom, were, you know, wake me up.

02:35:44.000 Like, you know, dad's, I don't know what's going on.

02:35:46.000 Like, he can't walk.

02:35:47.000 He's like, he's going, can't breath, chest pain, right?

02:35:50.000 Goes to the hospital.

02:35:52.000 They, you know, hook him up to the machines, whatever, do some tests.

02:35:55.000 Days overnight.

02:35:55.000 They call me the next day.

02:35:56.000 They said, hey, man, you know, we're sorry.

02:35:58.000 Looks like your dad here has congestive heart failure.

02:36:00.000 You know, this can be a year, four years, but he has congestive heart failure.

02:36:04.000 I mean, his fluids are backing up.

02:36:06.000 And, you know, so we just want to let you know, we're going to release him, but this is the protocol and the medicines and all that.

02:36:12.000 So now I'm going down to the hospital like, oh my God, like, this is it.

02:36:15.000 Time's running out with my dad.

02:36:17.000 And then it took me about 45 minutes to get there.

02:36:20.000 I get there and I guess they continue doing tests and I walk in and the people are there, the doctor.

02:36:30.000 And I say, you know, I was briefed, you know, I understand he has congestive heart failure, like, what do we have to do?

02:36:34.000 Can you, like, explain that to me?

02:36:36.000 And they were like, you know what?

02:36:38.000 We re-ran the test.

02:36:40.000 We had given him a diuretic.

02:36:43.000 Your father had eaten so much sodium in one sitting that it made our, I swear to God, it made our machines convince us that he had congestive heart failure, but in fact he had eaten so much sodium because of the food that he ate that this diuretic,

02:36:59.000 once the fluid cleared, his heart, he has a slight arrhythmia, but nothing like congestive heart failure that was purely from the sodium.

02:37:05.000 That's crazy. 0.99

02:37:06.000 And I was like, Dad, that's fucking nuts. 1.00

02:37:09.000 You almost killed yourself with lasagna. 1.00

02:37:10.000 With lasagna.

02:37:12.000 And now, and he's extreme, and now my dad's lost 120 pounds, intermittent fasting.

02:37:17.000 He looks phenomenal, but he said he's lightheaded all the time, and I'm like, well, what are you eating?

02:37:21.000 And he said, one half of a tuna fish sandwich a day.

02:37:24.000 That's all he eats.

02:37:25.000 Oh, he went the other way.

02:37:26.000 I'm like, Dad, can we get a little balance here?

02:37:29.000 Yeah.

02:37:30.000 Because now, you know, and he's like, I said, what did you do to lose all this weight?

02:37:33.000 He said, I eaten tuna fish sandwich and I walk in the pool.

02:37:36.000 I was like, yeah, but dad, you're eating, you're gonna, like, you could kill yourself that way now. 1.00

02:37:41.000 Yeah, you're gonna fuck your heart up. 1.00

02:37:42.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

02:37:43.000 Your body starts robbing its tissue.

02:37:46.000 Yeah.

02:37:46.000 If it doesn't get enough protein, it starts eating your muscles.

02:37:49.000 Yeah.

02:37:50.000 Don't do that.

02:37:51.000 No, I told him to try to eat more.

02:37:53.000 Just eat.

02:37:54.000 I was like, Dad, just eat in those windows.

02:37:56.000 He's like, I want to be ripped.

02:37:57.000 I'm like, you're 77 years old and you lost 120 pounds.

02:38:02.000 I was like, you look like you're wearing a dress.

02:38:05.000 It's fat.

02:38:06.000 It's fun.

02:38:06.000 You look great, Dad.

02:38:07.000 It's not about your abs now.

02:38:11.000 70, 70, 70, yeah.

02:38:13.000 And they have like a funny relationship. 0.99

02:38:14.000 He'll be like, oh, you know, you believe my fucking wife over here is 60. He's like, I should trade her in for two 30-year-olds, huh? 1.00

02:38:21.000 And my son was always like, I'd like to see you try, you fat fuck. 1.00

02:38:24.000 If you could bring home a 30-year-old, I'm glad that you give you the divorce. 1.00

02:38:27.000 And then he'll be like, oh, I'm gonna kill her. 1.00

02:38:29.000 I'm gonna bury her in the backyard. 1.00

02:38:30.000 I'm like, this is the kind of couple fighting that's just like old school.

02:38:34.000 That's fun.

02:38:35.000 That's fun to see.

02:38:35.000 Because I have one example of divorce in my family.

02:38:38.000 My mom and dad got divorced, but then my dad remarried my stepmom and they've been married 35 years.

02:38:42.000 So I see like kind of two things on like how it works one way and not the other way type thing.

02:38:48.000 It's interesting the way that they fight their old school.

02:38:51.000 Very extreme.

02:38:52.000 Gambling.

02:38:53.000 Now he's addicted to not eating.

02:38:54.000 What does that equal though?

02:38:55.000 Fun.

02:38:56.000 That guy. 1.00

02:38:57.000 Nobody's more fun than my fucking dad, man. 1.00

02:39:00.000 I mean... 1.00

02:39:01.000 Wild people are fun.

02:39:02.000 They're funny, fun guys.

02:39:04.000 I mean, when I had my first daughter, we told them, you know, you can't come into the delivery room.

02:39:11.000 You know, it's just me.

02:39:12.000 My girl and my mom and her mom.

02:39:15.000 That's what she wants, you know, women and whatever. 1.00

02:39:17.000 So my dad, I tell him that.

02:39:18.000 He's like, all right, you know, whatever.

02:39:20.000 And then I call him.

02:39:21.000 Obviously, when her water broke, we're giving birth. 0.61

02:39:23.000 And, dude, her water broke in the middle.

02:39:25.000 We were watching that movie Mad Max with Tom Hardy.

02:39:28.000 And her water broke.

02:39:29.000 And I love that movie.

02:39:30.000 We're right at the end.

02:39:30.000 I was like, is there any way we got like 10 minutes left?

02:39:33.000 And she was like... 1.00

02:39:33.000 Get to the fucking hospital! 1.00

02:39:35.000 Oh my god. 1.00

02:39:35.000 I know, like an idiot. 1.00

02:39:36.000 So we get, but, so she's giving birth, like crowning, like it's happening, and my dad walks in, because he's just like, this is my first, this is my grandkid, my first grandkid. 0.99

02:39:47.000 I walk in, and I was like, Dad, like you cannot at all be here.

02:39:52.000 And he was like, yeah, you know, like you're here, I want to be here.

02:39:55.000 And I'm like, nobody feels comfortable. 0.96

02:39:57.000 Like, I don't give a fuck, but like she doesn't want you here anymore. 0.99

02:40:00.000 At all. 0.99

02:40:01.000 And she was like, get out of here! 1.00

02:40:02.000 It was like this whole thing.

02:40:03.000 And then as he's leaving, right before he goes, he goes, I'll be in the waiting room.

02:40:08.000 Just let me know.

02:40:08.000 And I'm like, okay.

02:40:09.000 We're in the middle of the berth. 0.98

02:40:11.000 And he's like, by the way, Chrissy, Yankees got fucking rocked last night. 1.00

02:40:16.000 This team sucks. 1.00

02:40:18.000 And I was like... 1.00

02:40:19.000 All right.

02:40:20.000 The nurse, everybody's laughing because they're like, what is this guy screaming about the Yankees for his birth?

02:40:25.000 And then, you know, we had my baby and then he was like, it's a girl.

02:40:31.000 I said, yeah.

02:40:33.000 And, you know, great.

02:40:34.000 And he was like, oh, man.

02:40:34.000 He was like, I was hoping for a boy, hoping for a boy.

02:40:36.000 I'm like, you weren't at the gender reveal. 0.99

02:40:38.000 You fucking knew it was going to be a girl, dude. 0.99

02:40:40.000 What do you mean you were hoping for a boy? 1.00

02:40:43.000 And then he told me though, he was like, you know, if I was still in the throes of my gambling, he's like, I would have gambled with your uncles on your kids' gender.

02:40:50.000 I would have put a bet down.

02:40:51.000 I would have had to put my money on it.

02:40:53.000 That's how deep it got.

02:40:54.000 I was like, that's wild, dude.

02:40:56.000 He was like, I would have did it.

02:40:57.000 If I wasn't in control, I would have did it.

02:40:59.000 I would have gambled on it.

02:41:00.000 I would have gambled on the kid's birthday.

02:41:02.000 I would have gambled on it all.

02:41:03.000 We would have come up with real, you know, he was like, there was action on everything always.

02:41:09.000 Wild.

02:41:10.000 There's action on that evidence court, too.

02:41:12.000 What have we got now?

02:41:13.000 They were gambling on how long they would take to prove if they could actually do it or not.

02:41:18.000 There was this story of a guy that tried for 15 hours.

02:41:23.000 Can you imagine that? 1.00

02:41:25.000 Poor fuck. 1.00

02:41:26.000 15 hours trying to get it up. 1.00

02:41:28.000 I think the French, to this day, I think you're allowed to cheat on your wife in France as long as you don't Fall in love with someone else, you're allowed to step out and have sex, but, like, it'll get you in trouble, but, like, a night out with the guys drinking beers got you in trouble. 1.00

02:41:42.000 Like, you're not going to get divorced unless you fall in love.

02:41:45.000 Then you're out. 0.98

02:41:46.000 But I'm almost positive French men can have sex with women outside their marriage and their wives don't really care. 1.00

02:41:51.000 It's just French culture. 0.99

02:41:53.000 You think that's nuts? 0.98

02:41:54.000 Well, France is being invaded by Muslims now. 1.00

02:42:00.000 Not invaded, but I think 25% of France essentially lives under almost a form of Sharia law now.

02:42:08.000 Who said that?

02:42:08.000 Who was talking about that recently?

02:42:13.000 Someone's explaining that to us, like how much, you know, because so many Muslim immigrants have moved into European places, and they're trying to change, like, they've changed neighborhoods, they've changed the way people behave, the way they're allowed to behave. 1.00

02:42:27.000 Yeah, I was going to go to...

02:42:30.000 Dubai, just three weeks ago.

02:42:32.000 And, you know, it's the most progressive place, I think, I've heard in the Middle East.

02:42:38.000 But even with that, there were certain, like, I couldn't, you know, sometimes I have bits to joke around, like, oh, my friends think I'm gay.

02:42:44.000 They said, you can't do any of that.

02:42:45.000 Do not even mention that on stage.

02:42:48.000 Then they said, you know, no jokes about your government, our government.

02:42:52.000 Do not mention Muslim faith at all or religion at all.

02:42:57.000 And if you take videos of anything, Anywhere you can be arrested without the proper permission.

02:43:03.000 Really?

02:43:04.000 Like if you take videos of buildings?

02:43:06.000 Yeah, there's a kid TikToker who went to prison for a year. 0.99

02:43:10.000 He's in prison right now because he took unauthorized videos of like the public square in Dubai.

02:43:15.000 Yeah, and he got thrown in prison.

02:43:17.000 So all that was happening...

02:43:19.000 When I was about to go, I had, I was going on the, we were going on the trip in like two days.

02:43:23.000 It was my girls.

02:43:24.000 So how would you have to reorganize your act?

02:43:27.000 So that's what I was like thinking about.

02:43:29.000 And I was like, you know, so this was again, just three, three, four weeks ago we were going.

02:43:34.000 I only said yes to the gig because it was my girl's 40th birthday.

02:43:37.000 And she was like, what a great, like we should do it in Dubai.

02:43:40.000 I was like, I really don't want to go.

02:43:41.000 She was like, it's the show is on her birthday, April 17th.

02:43:45.000 So, I was like, alright, we'll go.

02:43:46.000 And then, but I was having all this anxiety.

02:43:48.000 Not even anxiety. 0.76

02:43:49.000 It was more like, you know, like, one of my, you know, I have a friend who, you know, gay cop, Mateo Lane.

02:43:54.000 You know Mateo Lane?

02:43:55.000 You know Mateo?

02:43:56.000 Mm-mm.

02:43:56.000 Great comic.

02:43:57.000 Unbelievable comic.

02:43:58.000 One of the most talented people I've ever seen in my life. 0.99

02:44:00.000 Cook, comedy, great comedy, fucking... 0.99

02:44:03.000 And then, you know, I was talking to Dubai... 0.99

02:44:05.000 Talking to the shows in Dubai with him, and he was like, yeah, man.

02:44:09.000 He was like, I would love to go to Dubai, but I'm gay.

02:44:11.000 I wouldn't even be allowed in. 0.99

02:44:13.000 And I was like, wow, that's fucking wild. 0.97

02:44:16.000 Why am I going to this place? 0.98

02:44:17.000 And I'm starting to think about it, right?

02:44:18.000 Even though I know the people in Dubai are progressive and cool and whatever.

02:44:21.000 But I was like, what's the point of all this?

02:44:23.000 And then that day, the night before, I'm sorry, of our flight, From JFK to Dubai, Iran and Israel got into that little skirmish, remember that, where people were like, World War III, 0.52

02:44:39.000 Israel's going to invade Iran. 0.88

02:44:41.000 Dubai borders with Iran.

02:44:42.000 So I was like, I don't want to go.

02:44:44.000 I was like, I know that it's probably safe, but I was like, I actually don't want to be.

02:44:49.000 Why am I going there?

02:44:50.000 Why are we going to where there's a possible conflict, it's boarding with the country, even though I know Dubai will be safe, I know it's a safe place, I get it, but like, what am I doing over there?

02:44:59.000 Why are you and I, me and my girl, going, our kids are back home, what happens if there is a war and we can't get home?

02:45:05.000 What's the point of all this?

02:45:07.000 Like, what is it?

02:45:09.000 And she was like, you know what?

02:45:10.000 Like, then cancel.

02:45:11.000 I just had like this gut feeling.

02:45:12.000 And then two days later is when the Dubai airports flooded.

02:45:16.000 Did you see all that?

02:45:17.000 My show got canceled.

02:45:20.000 The venue flooded.

02:45:21.000 You could not get anywhere.

02:45:23.000 And you had already canceled anyway?

02:45:24.000 I had canceled it anyway.

02:45:25.000 The fear that I had had was Israel, Iran.

02:45:27.000 But then two days later, it was the flooding.

02:45:30.000 Was that because of cloud seeding?

02:45:32.000 That's what they say.

02:45:35.000 Partially.

02:45:35.000 I mean, not 100% that, but there was a weird low-pressure zone where they did cloud seed, but the clouds didn't move for a few days or something like that.

02:45:43.000 Okay.

02:45:43.000 Yeah.

02:45:43.000 So that's what happened, is it got flooded, and I didn't go at all.

02:45:50.000 And that's why I'm with Christ.

02:45:53.000 Okay.

02:45:54.000 Let's wrap this up.

02:45:55.000 Chris, great talking to you.

02:45:57.000 Love you, too, buddy.

02:45:58.000 Love you, babe.

02:45:58.000 Thank you so much.

02:45:59.000 My pleasure.

02:46:00.000 It was fun.

02:46:00.000 Yeah.

02:46:02.000 Bye, everybody.

02:46:05.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 02, 2024

Joe Rogan Experience #2144 - Chris Distefano

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript