The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #215

00:00:02.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

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00:00:14.000 Do you hear that lighter, bitches?

00:00:15.000 It's Andrew Dice Clay in the background, alright?

00:00:18.000 Respect.

00:00:19.000 And it's also a loophole, Joe.

00:00:21.000 It's a loophole, Brian?

00:00:22.000 Yeah, because that means I can also use a lighter, right?

00:00:24.000 Oh, yeah, you can loophole it.

00:00:26.000 You can smoke while Dice is here.

00:00:27.000 Yes.

00:00:28.000 Normally, I forbid him from smoking.

00:00:30.000 But look at his lighter, and look at my lighter.

00:00:31.000 Your lighter's a man's lighter.

00:00:32.000 That's a Zippo.

00:00:33.000 That's how you do it.

00:00:34.000 That's real.

00:00:35.000 That's legit.

00:00:36.000 That's like some HBO special type shit.

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00:01:52.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew motherfucking Dice Clay is in the house.

00:01:56.000 Respect.

00:01:57.000 Cue the music, Brian.

00:01:58.000 We have to do this.

00:02:00.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:02:02.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:02:08.000 It's not official until the music begins.

00:02:12.000 I like the music.

00:02:13.000 Thank you, sir.

00:02:14.000 Andrew Dice Clay and his son Max is here as well.

00:02:16.000 What's happening?

00:02:17.000 And Andrew, when I was a kid, man, when I was like 19 years old, I had this girlfriend, this hot, dirty little Latino girl that I dated for a while, and she fucking loved your comedy.

00:02:29.000 We would sit in my car and we would play your cassette and this chick would fucking howl.

00:02:35.000 She would cry and curl up in a ball.

00:02:37.000 And I remember being a teenager, a kid.

00:02:41.000 You know, sitting there listening to how fucking funny this stuff was and how dirty and different than anything there was ever...

00:02:49.000 You had broken a total new barrier for comedy to me when I was a kid.

00:02:54.000 There was never a comedian like you before that had this sort of really aggressive sort of attitude about it, and it was fun, and it was like you could repeat the shit with you.

00:03:05.000 It was a weird phenomenon, man.

00:03:07.000 So for me, to go from listening to your stuff, before I even got into an open mic, and then being able to hang out with you at the store and getting advice from you at the store, you were the first guy that ever told me to go on the road.

00:03:18.000 Well, you know what?

00:03:19.000 Because it was sort of driving me a little nuts with you.

00:03:23.000 Because you were a new guy at the store and, you know, you had a big career already.

00:03:29.000 I mean, I don't know what people listening to this know of your whole career, but you had a hit sitcom on at the time.

00:03:36.000 This is before Fear Factor.

00:03:38.000 It wasn't really a hit.

00:03:39.000 It was only a hit when it got off the air.

00:03:42.000 But it was on for, what, five years?

00:03:46.000 And I was like, why isn't this guy on the road?

00:03:49.000 Like, it would bother me.

00:03:50.000 I always liked...

00:03:51.000 You know, comics that were into their careers, and obviously you were.

00:03:56.000 And, you know, I saw you on stage doing your thing, and I'm like, why isn't this guy on the road?

00:04:00.000 I mean, that's what this is all about.

00:04:02.000 Yeah.

00:04:03.000 You know, and I saw that you loved, you know, after seeing like one three-hour set, You know, that you did?

00:04:10.000 I'm going, obviously he likes being up there, but why be up there for $25 for three hours when you could be on the road making all this money?

00:04:19.000 I remember the conversation.

00:04:20.000 It was out back.

00:04:21.000 It was out back near that wall.

00:04:23.000 And I was like, you've got to go on the road.

00:04:25.000 Now's that moment, you know?

00:04:27.000 And because even though, you know, I love what I do, I also think business-wise, and when I started out and when I saw How, you know, to me, how boring comics were.

00:04:41.000 You're not one of them, obviously.

00:04:43.000 You know, but no matter how funny they were, I would also get, like, bored with them after, like, five or six minutes because they knew nothing about performance.

00:04:52.000 And that's even how the whole dice thing started because I decided if I'm going to stay in comedy, my aim was never even comedy.

00:05:00.000 I couldn't give a fuck about comics or comedy.

00:05:03.000 I used the comedy stage because I wanted to get into acting.

00:05:07.000 And when I decided, okay, I'm going to do this, because I had a different act way before you knew me.

00:05:12.000 I would do like impressions of Travolta.

00:05:15.000 Yeah, and you used to close with the Diceman.

00:05:17.000 Yeah, no, what happened is my initial act was coming on stage as Jerry Lewis's nutty professor, you know, with the glasses and actually, ladies and gentlemen, and doing all that shit.

00:05:29.000 Yeah.

00:05:30.000 And I would take my magic potion and I would turn into John Travolta from Grease.

00:05:35.000 Because Travolta, at the time I started my act, was the biggest thing in the world.

00:05:41.000 Because he had Saturday Night Fever and he did Grease.

00:05:44.000 And when I saw Grease, me and Travolta could have been brothers back then when I was like 17. So when I saw Grease, I was like, if I could sing and dance like this guy, I could put together this act that just won't miss.

00:05:59.000 And so I went to a studio in Brooklyn, took the album from Grease, they took the lead vocal out of Grease Lightning, and I started doing this act.

00:06:09.000 I mean, the first time I went up in Pips in Brooklyn on audition night, you know, I came up as Jerry Lewis and it's a Brooklyn crowd.

00:06:20.000 You know, and I'm up there with a giant tuxedo shirt covering the leather and my pants are rolled up under the tuxedo shirt.

00:06:27.000 And I'm on stage going, actually, I'm a human pity, ladies and gentlemen.

00:06:32.000 And, you know, it's a Brooklyn audience and my whole family is there, you know.

00:06:37.000 And everybody's yelling, get the fuck off!

00:06:39.000 You fucking suck!

00:06:40.000 Fuck you!

00:06:42.000 Scumbag!

00:06:43.000 And now I take the magic potion and they shut the lights.

00:06:47.000 And they turn, like you did, the music on, which was my intro.

00:06:50.000 And I turn around as Travolta from Grease.

00:06:53.000 And the place went fucking insane.

00:06:56.000 And now I come up to the mic because it was like the potion could turn you into that kind of...

00:07:02.000 As Jerry Lewis, I would go, this potion, ladies and gentlemen, as they're throwing shit at me, can turn you into that kind of macho man or foxy woman or both.

00:07:15.000 You know, so I take the potion and I turn into Travolta.

00:07:19.000 They go nuts.

00:07:20.000 I come up to the mic and I go, so you thought it couldn't be done, right?

00:07:25.000 And they go crazy.

00:07:26.000 Now I do the Grease Lightning number.

00:07:29.000 So you're dancing and everything?

00:07:30.000 Oh, I do the whole thing.

00:07:32.000 Choreographed.

00:07:32.000 Is music playing?

00:07:34.000 Yeah, the whole Grease number with a dance in the middle that I had cut in between Fever and Grease.

00:07:43.000 And the place goes nuts.

00:07:44.000 And on the way out, the two owners, Marty and Seth Schultz, go, wait a minute, where are you going?

00:07:48.000 Because they wrecked the club.

00:07:50.000 They started throwing tables over.

00:07:53.000 Because I'm doing jokes as Travolta, like, so Mr. Carter says to me, he goes, Vinny, did you do your homework?

00:08:00.000 What?

00:08:00.000 You know, I was doing that whole Barbarino thing, you know.

00:08:03.000 So, he was so hot at the time, Travolta, and there was such a resemblance, and the impression was so dead on, they go, we want you to headline this weekend.

00:08:13.000 And they go, who's your manager?

00:08:15.000 And I go, and I look at my dad, I go, he is.

00:08:18.000 And they're going, well, it's only $50, but, you know, he gets the headline.

00:08:22.000 And I'm like, great!

00:08:23.000 We couldn't even fucking believe what happened.

00:08:25.000 So, when I came out to the comedy store, you know Mitchell Walters?

00:08:29.000 Yeah, I know he is.

00:08:30.000 Okay, so Mitchell Walters was a comedy store comic who's from Brooklyn.

00:08:34.000 So he was back in Brooklyn, like about four months into my career when he saw me on stage.

00:08:40.000 And he goes over to my father and he goes, he's got to come out to LA to do the comedy store.

00:08:45.000 And I'm like, you know, I wasn't even into comedy.

00:08:48.000 I couldn't care less, you know.

00:08:49.000 And he kept calling.

00:08:50.000 He goes, I spoke to Mitzi, the owner of the comedy store.

00:08:53.000 She's psyched for him to come out there.

00:08:55.000 So I come out and I do the act.

00:08:57.000 I do a 28-minute audition on, you know, the Monday night, whatever it was, where, you know, the emcee starts screaming at me when I come off stage.

00:09:07.000 This guy, what was his name?

00:09:08.000 Rob Aguayo.

00:09:10.000 And I'm looking at the guy and I go, are you the manager?

00:09:14.000 No, I go, are you the owner here?

00:09:16.000 And he goes, no.

00:09:17.000 And I go, then why are we even talking?

00:09:19.000 I go, I didn't come across the country to do three minutes.

00:09:23.000 And of course, Mitzi, I got the call, I was in.

00:09:28.000 How many times had you been on stage total at that point?

00:09:32.000 You know what?

00:09:33.000 I was in the business for about six months, but from the night I went on stage at Pips, I never came off.

00:09:39.000 Wow.

00:09:40.000 Because I was totally driven to become this humongous star, whether it's a movie star or get my own show.

00:09:47.000 And so when Mitzi met me, she goes, you're an absolute movie star.

00:09:52.000 You know, I had more hair back then.

00:09:56.000 But she goes, you're going to stay here and you'll hone your craft.

00:10:00.000 The whole thing, just like you know about.

00:10:02.000 And actually, I took that Travolta act all the way to Don Kirshner's rock concert.

00:10:08.000 And after Kirshner's rock concert, I was like, well, movie producers aren't going to buy me to be Jerry Lewis or John Travolta.

00:10:15.000 I've got to be myself on stage.

00:10:17.000 And that's where the whole Dice type of character started.

00:10:21.000 And when Mitzi saw it for the first time, it was so great.

00:10:25.000 She goes...

00:10:27.000 It's never going to work.

00:10:28.000 She goes, it's too tough.

00:10:30.000 It's angry.

00:10:31.000 It's tough.

00:10:32.000 So I told her, just keep me at the Westwood Comedy Store.

00:10:35.000 I go, don't worry about it.

00:10:37.000 And when she said that, I knew how wrong she was.

00:10:40.000 And I just went to work.

00:10:42.000 You know, Westwood was where she would put all the newer guys like myself and Kennison and, you know, Roseanne, people like that that were new.

00:10:50.000 Like the Sunset Store.

00:10:50.000 What part of town was that?

00:10:51.000 That was in Westwood.

00:10:52.000 Right on Westwood Boulevard.

00:10:55.000 And, um, that's where I got to see, like, this first, uh, this guy stabbed a guy in the alley there that had to stop a knife fight.

00:11:03.000 Oh, it was nuts!

00:11:04.000 This guy's just stabbing a guy.

00:11:06.000 Jesus Christ!

00:11:07.000 Like this, and I'm going, what the- I had to run into the comedy store and get a stool to hit him.

00:11:11.000 Wow.

00:11:12.000 You know, because I'm not going to get stabbed, but I wanted to save the guy without the knife, you know?

00:11:16.000 Jesus Christ.

00:11:17.000 And so I stayed at Westwood and I developed the character.

00:11:21.000 And, you know, the rest became history because what I was trying...

00:11:26.000 I'm going the long way, but when I would see the comics, that was my whole point, on stage, whether it was Leno or Richard Lewis, these were the cleaner guys, but they would bore me after five or six minutes.

00:11:40.000 I'd go, they're funny, but...

00:11:42.000 They're boring.

00:11:43.000 They don't perform it.

00:11:45.000 There's no danger in it.

00:11:46.000 Well, I decided I'm going to become the most exciting stand-up ever in history.

00:11:51.000 If I'm going to do this, I want to give people something they never saw with a comedian.

00:11:56.000 And growing up, like I said, I didn't really study comics.

00:11:59.000 I studied big personalities, whether it be Elvis, whether it was Muhammad Ali.

00:12:05.000 In movies, it was everybody from Stallone to Travolta.

00:12:09.000 To when I was a kid, James Dean and Brando.

00:12:12.000 And I said, give him that.

00:12:14.000 I'm from Brooklyn.

00:12:15.000 Give him that because producers will buy that for films.

00:12:19.000 And that's how the acting stuff started.

00:12:21.000 Wow.

00:12:22.000 And through the years, I developed it.

00:12:25.000 And then when the career took off, that's where the jackets became more elaborate.

00:12:29.000 From everything I learned from Elvis growing up, his performance, his style.

00:12:34.000 And I said, well, I don't want to be Elvis, but I want to give people the Elvis of comedy.

00:12:39.000 You know, and that's how the whole thing happened.

00:12:41.000 You know, and then when Rodney gave me the shot on his special, that was the best because I would watch all these fucking bozo comics at the store not working their ass off for that special.

00:12:54.000 And they know who they are, you know what I mean?

00:12:57.000 But I'm saying like on those nights where you got three people in the audience, they're going up and fucking around and they were going to be on the same special with me.

00:13:05.000 And I'm going, I don't give a fuck if the room is empty.

00:13:09.000 I just need to rehearse what I'm going to do.

00:13:11.000 Because I knew when I'd be in front of the cameras how nerve-wracking it is.

00:13:15.000 And I didn't want to have to think about material.

00:13:18.000 I just wanted to think about perform for the country.

00:13:21.000 Let them see what you've been working on all these years.

00:13:25.000 And, you know, three months later I'm in, you know, Nassau Coliseum.

00:13:29.000 You know, it was that quick.

00:13:31.000 Jesus Christ!

00:13:33.000 Yeah, I did over 300 sold-out arena shows at 20,000 people a night.

00:13:38.000 And nobody had ever done anything like that before.

00:13:40.000 Well, that went on from 88 to 95, and then it was the cut-down arenas, like 10,000 people a night.

00:13:47.000 I just kept going.

00:13:49.000 Wow.

00:13:50.000 You know, and then...

00:13:53.000 Nobody had ever seen that kind of comedy before.

00:13:55.000 The difference between what you were doing and what anybody else was doing is...

00:13:59.000 It wasn't just that it was great stuff, and it was funny, and people were enjoying it and laughing.

00:14:03.000 They could also do the rhymes along with you, and people fucking loved that!

00:14:09.000 Well, you know what?

00:14:10.000 Those rhymes, I still close with the Mother Goose stuff, because it's almost like the hits.

00:14:16.000 Yeah!

00:14:17.000 We're working on the special now, and even Max, even though he's a lot greener in the business, he knows a lot about it, and he goes, Dad, you've got to pull the hits.

00:14:29.000 He goes, you got all this great new stuff, but you got to give him some of those hits because I made it 25 years ago.

00:14:35.000 It's not just that.

00:14:37.000 Your stuff is more like a song.

00:14:39.000 Like, it's great to hear it again.

00:14:41.000 Yeah, if I don't do those poems, if I don't do the poems, the audience is depressed.

00:14:47.000 They're mad, yeah.

00:14:48.000 They're like, why didn't he do the poems?

00:14:51.000 It's like going to see Leonard Skinner and they don't do Freebird.

00:14:53.000 That's right.

00:14:54.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:14:56.000 I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard, what's in the bowl, bitch?

00:15:02.000 It just became this gigantic thing that, you know, even now since Entourage, that was the resurgence that I did a Southern tour recently.

00:15:12.000 And I didn't know it was going to go on, you know, because I haven't really been out there in a decade.

00:15:17.000 And I was with Don Jameson and Jim Florentine from that metal show.

00:15:21.000 And they've opened for me for years before they got the metal show.

00:15:25.000 And they would come over to me and they go, it's just happening all over again.

00:15:30.000 Because the mania of the crowds now, it might as well be 1988. And I didn't see that coming.

00:15:37.000 I just didn't see it coming again.

00:15:40.000 But I'm also that type, and I think you got that in you, that fighter instinct, that belief in yourself that you can overcome anything.

00:15:50.000 And it was like, you know what?

00:15:52.000 To do this special, I'm going to give them something once again where they think they can't be shocked anymore, where they think it's all been done, and it's not.

00:16:04.000 Because I don't care...

00:16:06.000 What anybody does on stage, I take my thoughts and I create these fucking pictures in their head that are like cartoons.

00:16:14.000 Because I'm not a political comic.

00:16:16.000 I talk about, you know, if I'm talking about technology, I'm basically talking about, you know, even if you get on your computer to make believe you're going to your email, we know you're headed for the porn sites.

00:16:27.000 We know where people are going.

00:16:28.000 That's what it's all about.

00:16:31.000 Even this new generation of women, it's like they grew up on porn.

00:16:37.000 I didn't come on here to do my material, but that's what it is.

00:16:41.000 I've had a friend come to me and go, yeah, I went out with this chick, I really liked her, and I wound up doing everything with her the first night.

00:16:50.000 You know, and so I'm not going to call her again because she's a real pig.

00:16:53.000 And I go, you know, I go, but she did what you wanted her to do.

00:16:57.000 And maybe you're the only fucking guy she ever did that with.

00:17:00.000 Did you ever think of that?

00:17:02.000 You know, maybe she doesn't do that with every fucking guy and she liked you enough to do it.

00:17:07.000 And the guy wound up marrying her.

00:17:11.000 But I'm saying, I always loved sex.

00:17:16.000 The reason I even got out to the women's stuff with what I do on stage is because when I grew up in Brooklyn, I always had a girlfriend, but I always treated them with a lot of respect.

00:17:27.000 I wouldn't even think of touching that tit for the first couple months.

00:17:31.000 I just wouldn't do it unless they pushed the issue.

00:17:35.000 But when I moved to LA in 80...

00:17:38.000 It wasn't even 89 yet.

00:17:40.000 No, it wasn't even 79 yet.

00:17:43.000 It was a whole different set of fucking rules out here.

00:17:46.000 Like, I would try...

00:17:47.000 Like, if I met a girl, why don't we go over to Ben Frank's?

00:17:49.000 Well, where do you live?

00:17:51.000 I go, no, we'll go for a bite.

00:17:52.000 Well, we could just go up to your house and hang out.

00:17:55.000 And then it was just one after the other.

00:17:57.000 And that's where the material would come from.

00:18:00.000 Because girls that another guy would be writing a love letter to, you know, is now, you know, licking my balls like she's the house dog.

00:18:10.000 You know, and I was like, this is the subject matter right here.

00:18:14.000 You know, that's where lines like, treat me like the pig that I am, because that's how they wanted to be treated.

00:18:21.000 But back then, when my career took off in 88, and I did my special, and I would do, you know, they're wearing the heels and the hair, with that attitude, like, treat me like the pig that I am.

00:18:32.000 And women would get insulted from that back then.

00:18:37.000 They knew what fucking slobs they were.

00:18:39.000 They just wouldn't admit it.

00:18:41.000 Today, they're the most aggressive fucking generation I've ever come to know.

00:18:48.000 Do you think it was like Sex and the City?

00:18:50.000 Did it start that?

00:18:51.000 Yeah, definitely.

00:18:52.000 Yeah, with the little piglets on there.

00:18:55.000 Like, it's okay to be a hooker.

00:18:56.000 Yeah, and that was a smart show because they didn't put, you know, women on there that were tens.

00:19:01.000 Right.

00:19:02.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:02.000 They were okay.

00:19:03.000 Yeah.

00:19:03.000 You know, so I do a bit on, you know, the sex in the city with Sarah Jessica.

00:19:07.000 Got a face that looks like it did fucking prison time.

00:19:10.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:11.000 But the one that always got me was Myrna, the short red hair, whatever the fucking name is.

00:19:17.000 And there was an episode where she was talking about, you know, licking a guy's ass, calling it in a cute way, tushilingus.

00:19:25.000 And I'm watching this going, even if a girl wanted to do that to me now, I wouldn't want it because I'm going to picture this little pigeon face coming out of my ass with a face full of shit.

00:19:36.000 You know, with no tits, concave.

00:19:39.000 Then I'm going, what do you do with concave tits?

00:19:41.000 Put a scoop of ice cream in each fucking one?

00:19:43.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:45.000 But it was a smart show because women in America, you know, that weren't that great looking could look at that show and go, well, if they could get all that cock, so can I. You went through a period of time in your career where there was so much pushback against your material and against what they were calling misogynist comedy that you kind of cleaned it up a little bit for a while, right?

00:20:13.000 I never cleaned it up.

00:20:15.000 What I did when I did a series for CBS called Bless This House, they wanted me...

00:20:21.000 That's the fucked up thing with doing a network show.

00:20:24.000 They wanted to...

00:20:26.000 Like on that show, they won't even put the credit as Andrew Dice Clay.

00:20:29.000 It was Andrew Clay.

00:20:30.000 And I'll never forget my booking agent going, what do they think?

00:20:34.000 People aren't going to know who it is?

00:20:36.000 You know what I mean?

00:20:38.000 And...

00:20:40.000 And that's what...

00:20:41.000 It didn't tone me down because, thank God, the show got canceled when it did.

00:20:45.000 Because I was so fucking bored every day.

00:20:48.000 I put on like 40 pounds in three months playing a postman.

00:20:54.000 And, you know, when...

00:20:58.000 And when the show got cancelled, Max loves this.

00:21:02.000 The day the show got cancelled, I was the happiest guy in the world.

00:21:07.000 I came home and I ran three miles.

00:21:10.000 My wife goes, what's the matter?

00:21:12.000 Why are you home early?

00:21:13.000 I go, the show got cancelled.

00:21:15.000 I go, I'm going running.

00:21:16.000 I got to get ready for the special because I booked the special with HBO for three months down the road and I had to get in shape to do the special.

00:21:23.000 You know, and the next day after the show was canceled, I went to Cannon Drive in Beverly Hills where Kathy Moriarty, who starred with me in the show, owned a pizza place.

00:21:35.000 And the whole cast is sitting around this table outside, like, with their head in their hands, like, how's everybody doing?

00:21:43.000 I get out of the truck because I'm coming to get dinner for, you know, my family.

00:21:47.000 Oh, well, you know, I go, yeah, I know.

00:21:49.000 I got to grab a pizza.

00:21:49.000 I got to get out of here.

00:21:50.000 I was just thrilled as, you know...

00:21:53.000 Thrilled to death that I didn't have to show up at that studio anymore.

00:21:57.000 That's one of the worst prisons for a comic, is doing something that's not funny.

00:22:01.000 Well, they really tied my hands.

00:22:03.000 I would have fights with the producer over lines, especially when they make you say the word, Which I always hated.

00:22:12.000 I hate that word, too.

00:22:13.000 Yeah, I'm going, you know, like people don't know what you're saying.

00:22:15.000 Just write something else.

00:22:16.000 He goes, well, we're not a joke story.

00:22:18.000 I go, then just send me the fuck home.

00:22:20.000 You know, one time I did a line on that show.

00:22:22.000 He had this director.

00:22:24.000 The guy that did the pilot got the job directing the season.

00:22:27.000 And, um...

00:22:29.000 You know, it was the opening of an episode, and I walk in, and the kids are watching TV, and I come in, and I go, Daddy made it through another day, and I look at the TV, I go, by the way, they never get off the island, and you shut the TV, right?

00:22:43.000 So I come in, and it's a full audience, you know, studio audience, you know about it, and...

00:22:49.000 You know, so I go, you know, they never get off the island, and before I click the thing, I go, but I'll tell you, that ginger keeps getting better looking.

00:22:56.000 And the director comes over, he goes, what are you playing to, a bunch of fucking skinheads?

00:23:01.000 And I look at this guy, and I go, you know what?

00:23:03.000 You play my part.

00:23:04.000 I'm going home.

00:23:05.000 And I leave the studio, and at that time, I was with Michael Rotenberg, who was my manager, but he was also producer of that show.

00:23:13.000 And I get a call from him, and he goes, where are you?

00:23:16.000 And I go, I'm going home.

00:23:18.000 He goes, you can't go home.

00:23:20.000 There's 300 people here.

00:23:22.000 What do you mean you're going home?

00:23:23.000 I go, the guy fucking said this, and I don't want to work with him anymore.

00:23:26.000 I don't want to do the show.

00:23:27.000 And he goes, you got to come back.

00:23:30.000 Please come back.

00:23:31.000 We'll straighten it out tomorrow.

00:23:32.000 And I go to the guy, because I'm like a five-year-old, can I stop and get a Slurpee first?

00:23:36.000 He goes, get the fucking Slurpee and get back here.

00:23:40.000 You know, and then they fired the director the next day, and then they canceled the show like four weeks later, and I was really happy about it.

00:23:47.000 My first show I was ever on got canceled pretty quickly.

00:23:50.000 It was a real similar thing.

00:23:51.000 There was a producer who was completely out of his head who rewrote everything himself.

00:23:56.000 He'd take it from the writers.

00:23:58.000 Really funny guys.

00:23:59.000 The guys who wrote The Simpsons, they wrote Married with Children.

00:24:01.000 I was on a baseball show called Hardball.

00:24:04.000 Yeah, that one I don't know about.

00:24:05.000 It's terrible.

00:24:06.000 It was only on for like six episodes.

00:24:07.000 What did you do?

00:24:08.000 Just move to LA and get series?

00:24:09.000 Yeah.

00:24:10.000 That's amazing.

00:24:11.000 I came out here for that show.

00:24:12.000 I was living in New York and I did the MTV half-hour comedy hour.

00:24:18.000 And when I did that, I started getting all these development deal offers out of nowhere.

00:24:23.000 It was crazy.

00:24:23.000 I just did this one TV show.

00:24:25.000 One thing and you got a TV show?

00:24:26.000 One little seven-minute thing.

00:24:28.000 You get a TV show and I get banned for life from MTV. I had never done any acting.

00:24:32.000 I didn't know anything about...

00:24:34.000 Are you still banned today?

00:24:36.000 Like, could you...

00:24:36.000 You know what?

00:24:37.000 They invited me this past MTV Awards to be in the audience.

00:24:42.000 You know, so I guess the banning is over now, but it was banned for life.

00:24:46.000 That's so ridiculous.

00:24:47.000 You know, and then I'm watching Chris Brown, who beat a girl to a pulp, you know, flying through the air.

00:24:54.000 So, in other words...

00:24:56.000 You know, I can't say, you know, a couple little, you know, rhymes, because the poem that got me banned was the Jack, oh no, Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean, so Jack ignored her flabby tits and licked her asshole clean.

00:25:13.000 And the reason I even did that material on the awards is because before I came out, You know, Arsenio was hosting it, and Dick Clark, I'm supposed to bring on Cher, that was my job.

00:25:26.000 And Dick Clark comes over to me, he goes, look, if you've got a stretch, if Cher's not ready, you know, Arsenio will come over.

00:25:33.000 And I go, how can't she be ready?

00:25:35.000 She's putting on a thong.

00:25:36.000 What won't she be ready for, you know?

00:25:38.000 I go, don't send Arsenio over, we didn't prepare anything here.

00:25:42.000 And as he's doing this, he's going, no, you'll stress.

00:25:45.000 I go, please, don't tell me what to fucking do when I'm out there.

00:25:49.000 And I'm thinking, this is Dick Clark, and I love the guy.

00:25:53.000 But now they introduced me, and I came out angry.

00:25:56.000 And there were a couple other comics that were on that night.

00:26:00.000 Paul Reiser came out there.

00:26:02.000 As a comic, he's a good comic, but he's talking about the hats that Frank Sinatra wore.

00:26:07.000 And I'm sitting in the crowd going, nobody's paying attention.

00:26:11.000 And I had all this heat from the Rodney special.

00:26:14.000 I'm not going to go out there and bomb.

00:26:16.000 I'm going to let them fucking have it.

00:26:17.000 That's it.

00:26:18.000 So afterwards, when they would take me into the press tents, not one question was asked.

00:26:24.000 It was amazing to see.

00:26:26.000 And then the next day it was, you know, Dice banned for life from MTV. And then, you know...

00:26:32.000 So silly.

00:26:33.000 Well, it was silly, but it also, you know, upped the career even more.

00:26:37.000 Then the arenas were selling even crazier.

00:26:40.000 And...

00:26:41.000 Can you imagine that happening now, though?

00:26:43.000 Being banned from MTV now?

00:26:44.000 No.

00:26:44.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:26:45.000 But your point about Chris Brown is such a good one.

00:26:48.000 No doubt.

00:26:49.000 We need to start an internet campaign.

00:26:51.000 Dice back to MTV. Would you be interested in a show?

00:26:56.000 If they were smart, they'd have me host.

00:26:59.000 Because since that award show, nothing exciting has happened all day.

00:27:04.000 You don't understand, I didn't get press for a week.

00:27:07.000 I got press for three years.

00:27:11.000 From that MTV. They didn't even mention the fucking winners when it happened.

00:27:15.000 I was in every newspaper, on every news show, and I'm going, I'm a fucking comic.

00:27:21.000 Like, it was so overwhelming.

00:27:23.000 Would you live with a Snooki or a Loader if they wanted you to?

00:27:27.000 No, I don't want to do that kind of show.

00:27:29.000 You know, I watch that show, you know, but, you know, I don't need Snooki in my life.

00:27:35.000 It's fun to just say Snooki, though.

00:27:37.000 Yeah, I mean, you know.

00:27:39.000 Can you imagine him living with Kurt Loader?

00:27:41.000 Or is that his name?

00:27:42.000 He's the guy, the original guy.

00:27:44.000 Well, Kurt Loader's the guy that had to talk about me being banned from MTV. Who is it that got really pissy about it, though?

00:27:50.000 Somebody was really disappointing.

00:27:52.000 They were like, misogyny is not funny.

00:27:55.000 Oh, no, I had every group, the NOW organization.

00:27:59.000 Like, over what?

00:28:00.000 Like, what kind of unrealistic expectations do these people have?

00:28:04.000 Well, you also got to understand that was when the gays were coming out of the closet when I hit and I would do all the jokes like, you know, bisexual.

00:28:14.000 And I'm like, what do you mean?

00:28:15.000 You either suck dick or you don't suck dick.

00:28:18.000 And it wasn't hateful jokes.

00:28:21.000 It was just on the money.

00:28:23.000 You know, and then the rest of the joke was, what do you do?

00:28:25.000 Wake up in the world, flip a coin to decide you know the joke.

00:28:28.000 Yeah.

00:28:28.000 It's, you know, offensive comedy is a legitimate genre of comedy that does not get the respect that it deserves.

00:28:36.000 Well, it's like I tell Max, be truthful on stage.

00:28:38.000 Talk about your life.

00:28:39.000 It's the funniest shit, and it's proof positive that despite the fact that, look, they could never put any of your stuff that you did, they could never put it on The Tonight Show, they could never put it on, you know, any sort of mainstream show, but yet...

00:28:52.000 You sold out arena after arena like no other comic.

00:28:56.000 So it's really ridiculous.

00:28:58.000 But even with the talk shows, I used to look at them like, you know, you got a guy here selling 80,000 seats a weekend, you know, and guys like Letterman and Leno, that wasn't good enough for them, you know what I mean?

00:29:11.000 You should do your own talk show.

00:29:13.000 You know what?

00:29:13.000 I don't want to do a talk show.

00:29:15.000 What about on the internet?

00:29:17.000 Would you be interested in doing a podcast?

00:29:18.000 Not really.

00:29:20.000 Anything you could just turn on anytime you want?

00:29:22.000 What I'm going to do, I'm going to do this special.

00:29:26.000 I see what's going on on the road.

00:29:27.000 And then I'm going to go into these big places again.

00:29:29.000 I want to do the type of tour that fans have been wanting from me for years again.

00:29:35.000 So I'm making damn sure that this special, you know, just is a sledgehammer over people's heads.

00:29:42.000 And, you know, when I got all that negative press, I wasn't expecting that when my career took off.

00:29:47.000 I didn't grow up going, I want to be a controversial comic.

00:29:51.000 I didn't even think of this shit.

00:29:52.000 But the day after my first special ad, the Diceman Cometh, the New York Times put the demise of Western civilization.

00:29:59.000 And that's what started all that shit.

00:30:02.000 And it bothered me.

00:30:03.000 It was like, wait a minute, don't they get it?

00:30:05.000 I'm a comic.

00:30:06.000 But today, I got all this history, and I'm like, who gives a fuck what anybody thinks about me?

00:30:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:13.000 As long as my kids know what I am and my wife knows what I am, you know, that's what matters to me.

00:30:18.000 If they want to write bad shit, write it.

00:30:20.000 Because what I'm talking about there is truthful.

00:30:23.000 It might be in a cartoon sense when I'm talking about crazy sex, you know, and I'm talking about this new generation.

00:30:29.000 I'm talking about...

00:30:30.000 You know, years ago, you go out on a first date.

00:30:33.000 What'd you do?

00:30:33.000 You made out with the girl a little.

00:30:35.000 Maybe you got some side tit through her coat that you could tell your friends the next day.

00:30:39.000 I go, this generation of women, when you go out on a first date, if you don't come all over her, she thinks you don't fucking like her.

00:30:47.000 I go, I went on a second date with a girl.

00:30:49.000 She goes, I didn't even think you were going to call because you didn't come on.

00:30:53.000 I'm going, honey, relax.

00:30:55.000 I go, tonight it's going to be like I put your head under a fucking yogurt machine and pulled the nozzle.

00:31:00.000 I go, that's what it is today, so why not be truthful about it and let people laugh over what fucking animals they've become?

00:31:09.000 One of my favorite things that I know about you is that you always have a camcorder and you're always documenting everything.

00:31:15.000 And like myself, I do the exact same thing.

00:31:17.000 Are you ever going to take all that footage and digitize it and do a documentary?

00:31:22.000 Well, now there's people that want to do Dice documentary.

00:31:28.000 I'm talking with, you know who George Gallo is the writer?

00:31:31.000 He did movies like Midnight Run with Daenerys.

00:31:34.000 He's done a lot of, you know, he's got a 20, what was it, 29th Street.

00:31:38.000 Who was the guy who was in Midnight Run?

00:31:40.000 Grodin.

00:31:41.000 What ever happened to that guy?

00:31:42.000 I don't know.

00:31:43.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:31:44.000 I don't care if he fell off a cliff.

00:31:47.000 Is he sitting there going, I want to wear dices?

00:31:50.000 Well, do you care about John Travolta?

00:31:52.000 This whole story that John Travolta...

00:31:54.000 Well, you know what?

00:31:54.000 I think they should just leave fucking Travolta alone.

00:31:57.000 You know what I mean?

00:31:58.000 Because I'm a fan.

00:31:59.000 I've always been a fan.

00:32:01.000 And his personal life, his personal life.

00:32:03.000 Who gives a fuck what he does?

00:32:04.000 Yeah, it's weird that these people are willing to jump on board now, like new masseuses now are coming out and saying that he tried to grope them too.

00:32:11.000 Why are you saying it now?

00:32:13.000 Isn't it expected anyways?

00:32:15.000 Well, it's not just Travolta.

00:32:17.000 And you know what?

00:32:18.000 Like I said, I don't want to do all this material I'm going to do on the special.

00:32:22.000 Right.

00:32:22.000 But, you know, when they make such a big deal, you know, this new presidential race, and these guys are coming up, there shouldn't be gay marriage.

00:32:30.000 I'm going, wait a minute.

00:32:31.000 The country's falling apart.

00:32:32.000 Nobody could even fill that fucking gas tank without getting angry.

00:32:36.000 And you're worried if two guys want to put a ring on each other's finger and say, I fucking love you?

00:32:42.000 I would love to see a 24-hour camera on Travolta's love life.

00:32:46.000 Yeah.

00:32:47.000 Come on.

00:32:48.000 He must be living like a savage.

00:32:50.000 I think it must be such a charge just to get guys, like if he's getting massages.

00:32:54.000 He's John Travolta.

00:32:55.000 I bet.

00:32:56.000 How many guys do you think he probably got to jerk him off like that?

00:32:59.000 Most of them, right?

00:33:00.000 You know, I'm not staying on it.

00:33:02.000 I'm a fan.

00:33:03.000 I'm a fan, too.

00:33:05.000 He's a fucking great actor.

00:33:06.000 He made that Pelham 123, whatever the fuck it was.

00:33:09.000 The one with Denzel Washington, the remake of that movie.

00:33:12.000 He's a fucking great bad guy.

00:33:14.000 Right.

00:33:14.000 You forget sometimes what a bad motherfucker John Travolta still is.

00:33:17.000 Yeah, but he also did Swordfish.

00:33:19.000 He was bad in that.

00:33:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:21.000 He was a bad guy in that.

00:33:22.000 Yeah, I forgot about that.

00:33:23.000 Pulp Fiction.

00:33:24.000 Well, Pulp Fiction was the resurgence for him.

00:33:26.000 This Pelham123 or whatever the numbers were, I think it's 123, he was fucking, it was a stellar performance.

00:33:32.000 I mean, he really comes off like a real psycho.

00:33:35.000 Yeah, he does.

00:33:35.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

00:33:36.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

00:33:37.000 I was watching Grease last night.

00:33:39.000 I love that movie.

00:33:40.000 That's so stupid to say, but it feels good.

00:33:42.000 Why try to knock a guy down that's done and accomplished what he's done in his life?

00:33:47.000 I would like the guy to be free.

00:33:49.000 I would like the guy to be able to just come out and say, look, I like girls, and sometimes I like guys, too.

00:33:54.000 What do you give a fuck?

00:33:55.000 Leave me alone.

00:33:55.000 That's what I'm saying.

00:33:56.000 We live in 2012. I remember one time I was on Howard Stern, and he goes...

00:34:01.000 This was over the last couple of years.

00:34:03.000 He goes, the truth dice, you know, did you ever like, you know, like, you know, like he plays like, did you ever go gay or anything?

00:34:09.000 I go, let me tell you something.

00:34:11.000 I'm in my early 50s.

00:34:13.000 Do you think if I wanted to suck dick, I'd be afraid to fucking say it?

00:34:17.000 You know what I mean?

00:34:17.000 If that's what I wanted, if I wanted some guy's balls rolling around my face, I'd fucking have it.

00:34:24.000 And I wouldn't be shy about it, and I wouldn't care what they fucking said about it, because that's what I like to do.

00:34:29.000 That's something, as you become a man, you really come to grips with that.

00:34:33.000 Dom Herrera was on the podcast, and he said, I wish I was gay just so I could come out.

00:34:40.000 Because that's how little of a fuck I give.

00:34:43.000 You know what it is?

00:34:47.000 You get this one life, you owe it to yourself to be what you want to fucking be.

00:34:51.000 I just happened to love the box.

00:34:54.000 I always did.

00:34:55.000 Since I'm a kid, that's what I like.

00:34:57.000 It's all good.

00:34:58.000 I would like a guy like Travolta to be in a society where it wouldn't even be an issue.

00:35:03.000 It's always going to be an issue.

00:35:04.000 They're going to have something to yell about.

00:35:06.000 It's so silly.

00:35:07.000 It's just so dumb.

00:35:08.000 Who cares?

00:35:08.000 Gay marriage.

00:35:09.000 People being thrown out of their homes.

00:35:12.000 They want to talk about gay marriage.

00:35:13.000 And I think they talk about it because they're sucking dick.

00:35:16.000 They're masking it.

00:35:17.000 How great would a documentary, remember that Mike Tyson documentary where Mike Tyson just sat down and he started talking about his life?

00:35:23.000 Yeah, I saw that.

00:35:24.000 How great would a documentary just Travolta sitting in a room just on a chair by himself talking about how many different masseuses he's got to suck his dick?

00:35:32.000 And just going over how he breaks them down.

00:35:35.000 He's not going to leave.

00:35:38.000 No disrespect.

00:35:40.000 I think the guy's a beautiful actor.

00:35:42.000 I think he's fucking fantastic.

00:35:43.000 And I don't care what he does.

00:35:44.000 But I would think that would be a brilliant thing to watch.

00:35:47.000 Because I've got to think he probably seduces a lot of those guys.

00:35:49.000 A lot of those guys are probably straight guys.

00:35:52.000 I don't know.

00:35:53.000 I don't have the answer for you.

00:35:54.000 That's something, for whatever reason, that's something that a lot of gay guys get a kick out of, supposedly.

00:35:59.000 Hey, you feel like jerking me off right now?

00:36:01.000 I mean, we only got ten minutes.

00:36:06.000 Apparently he was telling dude shit like, I actually admired his game.

00:36:09.000 He was telling dude shit like, I don't like elbows and I don't like forearms.

00:36:13.000 Only hands and work exclusively on the buttocks.

00:36:16.000 And you know what?

00:36:17.000 All I want is elbows and fucking it, right?

00:36:20.000 I'm constantly getting my back.

00:36:22.000 I got the worst fucking back in history.

00:36:25.000 Yeah, I've just gotten over a back injury.

00:36:27.000 I got a back injury in jujitsu that it took like three months to heal.

00:36:31.000 It's like I tell Max, the only guy in comedy I'd never want to have a fight with, Joe Rogan.

00:36:35.000 You're the only guy I give it up to.

00:36:37.000 I go, any comic that's ever fucked with me, I look at them and go, why would you want to do this to yourself?

00:36:43.000 Because I'm an animal, you know what I mean?

00:36:45.000 I go, Rogan is the real deal.

00:36:48.000 I go, you've got to be an asshole to come over to him and start.

00:36:50.000 I've seen Rogan go after his fans outside the comedy club.

00:36:55.000 He would have an argument in the fucking...

00:36:59.000 He's having an argument with this guy.

00:37:01.000 Well, I'll tell you another argument, which was even funnier.

00:37:04.000 He has an argument with this guy, Max.

00:37:06.000 And the guy walks out, and then after a show, he comes out and continues with like 20 people between.

00:37:12.000 He's going, fuck you, what the fuck are you going to do?

00:37:15.000 And he's like spitting at the guy.

00:37:18.000 He hated him so much.

00:37:20.000 Well, he threatened one of the other comedians.

00:37:21.000 No, I know.

00:37:22.000 I know the deal.

00:37:23.000 But it was just so great to see because you have a temper like mine.

00:37:28.000 I go fucking nuts.

00:37:29.000 I got a bad temper.

00:37:30.000 And then one night you got mad.

00:37:32.000 This wasn't about a physical thing.

00:37:34.000 But we were sitting out back and just talking.

00:37:37.000 And this woman just said the wrong thing to you about salt?

00:37:41.000 Like, salt isn't good for you?

00:37:43.000 And you went, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:37:48.000 Salt is a fucking, what'd you say?

00:37:50.000 It's a mineral.

00:37:51.000 Yeah, it's a fucking mineral!

00:37:53.000 But I'm like, like it was the most important thing in your mind.

00:37:57.000 Do you understand?

00:37:58.000 You don't know what the fuck you're even fucking talking about!

00:38:01.000 I'm going, he's not even on stage and he's going berserk!

00:38:05.000 And I'm like getting this show, and it went on for a good 10 minutes, and she's going, no, salt is not.

00:38:10.000 You don't know what the fuck.

00:38:12.000 You don't know anything about the body.

00:38:13.000 You don't know anything about nutrition.

00:38:15.000 It's a fucking mineral.

00:38:18.000 Oh, you went insane over it.

00:38:20.000 And I'm going, you know, the man needs a couch.

00:38:23.000 He needs to talk to somebody.

00:38:24.000 That's all.

00:38:25.000 You know.

00:38:26.000 But it was hysterical.

00:38:28.000 You know, anytime I've seen you blow up like that, I take it...

00:38:31.000 Like, I'd rather watch you outside screaming at somebody than watch any ten comics on stage.

00:38:36.000 You know what I mean?

00:38:37.000 It's so entertaining.

00:38:39.000 That's why you love what you do, because you know you go nuts.

00:38:42.000 You know?

00:38:43.000 You know you.

00:38:44.000 You know when you're on stage how you get.

00:38:45.000 Yeah, totally.

00:38:46.000 It's fucking crazy.

00:38:47.000 I love it.

00:38:48.000 That's what I like to watch.

00:38:51.000 You know, I can't sit there and go, ha ha, it's not good enough.

00:38:55.000 Ha ha, just doesn't fucking work.

00:38:57.000 Not today.

00:38:59.000 That mineral lady threw a cigarette at me.

00:39:01.000 Oh, did she?

00:39:02.000 I don't remember that.

00:39:02.000 That was before that.

00:39:04.000 Well, look at how you were screaming at her.

00:39:05.000 She was scared to death.

00:39:06.000 No, it was before that.

00:39:07.000 She threw a cigarette at me before that.

00:39:10.000 That's why I was pissed.

00:39:11.000 I was like, why are you even here?

00:39:12.000 What are you doing?

00:39:13.000 You're just some crazy person hanging out back here, interrupting conversations.

00:39:17.000 I'm much better now.

00:39:18.000 I've calmed myself dramatically over the years.

00:39:20.000 But what about on stage?

00:39:22.000 On stage you're going on.

00:39:23.000 Well, until something ridiculous happens.

00:39:25.000 But I try to be friendly about it as much as possible, even while they're getting kicked out.

00:39:30.000 I should be interviewing you, because I'll come over to Joe at the store and go, what should I do for this muscle or that muscle?

00:39:36.000 Because he knows anything you want to know about working out, that's who you talk to, Max.

00:39:39.000 You know what you have to tell him?

00:39:40.000 What?

00:39:40.000 What happened at the Riv a couple nights ago when the guy got thrown out and then you came out?

00:39:45.000 Oh, yeah.

00:39:46.000 I wanted to fight this guy.

00:39:49.000 What I do, you know, if somebody talks during my show or I see a phone, I'll throw them out.

00:39:55.000 I actually throw them out.

00:39:57.000 Good.

00:39:58.000 And the funniest part of the whole thing, like I warn them one time, I go, let me tell you something.

00:40:04.000 You're going to have to face the back wall for 10 minutes, you know, if you do that one more time.

00:40:10.000 But the funniest part is when I decide to throw them out and security comes over, the look in their face like, what are you kidding?

00:40:16.000 And like when they're thrown out, what was I throwing out?

00:40:18.000 You were fucking talking.

00:40:20.000 I was having a good time.

00:40:22.000 It's a comedy.

00:40:22.000 You were fucking talking.

00:40:24.000 And he told you, don't talk.

00:40:26.000 So anyway, I wasn't on stage yet.

00:40:29.000 Eleanor was.

00:40:30.000 And all of a sudden, I hear her going, what the fuck is your problem?

00:40:36.000 I gave you eight fucking minutes already.

00:40:39.000 So I start screaming at the producer of the show.

00:40:42.000 I go, get that fucking guy out of this fucking room before I go up.

00:40:47.000 I'll kill this fucking guy.

00:40:48.000 So now...

00:40:50.000 And I've never done this.

00:40:52.000 I'm in the back dressing room and I come out of the back and the guy's out there now who's coming to see me, right?

00:40:59.000 And he's being read the riot act and being told to leave.

00:41:03.000 I go, you motherfucker!

00:41:05.000 And he looks at me and he goes, Dice, I just want...

00:41:07.000 I go, I would have fucking thrown you out.

00:41:10.000 You're just a drunken fucking cocksucker.

00:41:13.000 And he's going, but I said, I want to throw you down that fucking flight of steps.

00:41:17.000 Do you understand me?

00:41:18.000 I go, I don't want you to be my fan.

00:41:21.000 I fucking hate your fucking gut.

00:41:24.000 And he's like, he goes, oh yeah, you want to make some?

00:41:27.000 And Max is there.

00:41:29.000 And I go, yeah, I'll throw you down that fucking escalator.

00:41:32.000 You understand me?

00:41:33.000 And now my wife comes running over Valerie, and she's going, please go in the back.

00:41:37.000 That's what he wants.

00:41:38.000 I go, I don't give a fuck what he wants.

00:41:40.000 I want to get my hands around his fucking throat.

00:41:42.000 That's what I fucking want.

00:41:44.000 And then I'm hearing Eleanor start to introduce me from the showroom, and then I just come out to my music like nothing fucking happened.

00:41:53.000 And I notice guys in his car flinging my CDs out the fucking window.

00:41:58.000 Yeah.

00:41:59.000 And Max was like, I don't give a fuck.

00:42:02.000 That was like the greatest thing I ever saw.

00:42:04.000 When you do live comedy, you can run across your share of fucking drunk retards.

00:42:09.000 Drunk retards and assholes and crazy people at a show.

00:42:12.000 But one of the things about working at the store was you were guaranteed to have confrontations.

00:42:18.000 The stores, it's a vortex.

00:42:19.000 All the time.

00:42:19.000 A vortex of craziness.

00:42:21.000 Some of the funniest shows I ever saw was just you just attacking people in the audience.

00:42:27.000 Well, you know, you came up with something that I've been using for years that I don't know if you know came from you.

00:42:33.000 You were sitting with Eleanor one night in the back of the store and I was ripping some guy apart.

00:42:37.000 And you told Eleanor, you go, I love when he turns into Dice Mean.

00:42:42.000 Yeah.

00:42:44.000 Because a lot of them, I actually, the minute they talk, I just hate their guts, but it's for real.

00:42:49.000 It's not like a stage persona thing.

00:42:51.000 I just turn into myself.

00:42:52.000 Now I'm just from Brooklyn again.

00:42:54.000 And it's like I want that person to know how much I fucking hate them.

00:42:59.000 It's like I know you brought up at the beginning this puppet head, whatever the fuck his name is, that fucked with Max.

00:43:06.000 Yeah.

00:43:08.000 And the reason he fucked with Max was because he just had to talk more on your show.

00:43:14.000 He wanted more TV time, whatever the fuck this computer is.

00:43:20.000 I don't really know about the technological world that much, but that's why he opened his fucking mouth.

00:43:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:27.000 And I'm not going to rip him apart.

00:43:30.000 I know the guy.

00:43:31.000 He's a nice guy.

00:43:32.000 But he should shut his fucking mouth.

00:43:33.000 When somebody else is talking, just shut your fucking mouth because nobody cares what the fuck you got to say.

00:43:40.000 For people that have no idea what any of this is about, there was a show that we did with a good friend of ours, Mark Ellis.

00:43:47.000 And he was sitting there with Max.

00:43:50.000 And Max was telling...

00:43:52.000 A passionate tale of youth.

00:43:55.000 A passionate tale of discovery and getting laid as a band member.

00:43:59.000 And this guy kind of mocked his tale, saying, well, that's what you're supposed to do when you're in a band.

00:44:05.000 It would be cool, except you're in a band.

00:44:07.000 Yeah, only he wasn't...

00:44:08.000 Was this guy 14 years old at the fucking Whiskey?

00:44:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:44:13.000 If you ever heard their music, you'd be blown out.

00:44:16.000 Because they were off at record deals their second time at the Whiskey.

00:44:19.000 And my other son, Dylan, who's four years younger than Max, was only 14 at the time.

00:44:26.000 What Max, or rather what Mark said, was totally blown out of proportion.

00:44:31.000 We're friends.

00:44:32.000 Me and Mark are friends.

00:44:34.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:44:35.000 He shouldn't have talked.

00:44:37.000 You know, I'm glad you're friends with him, but when you got a face that looks like a squeeze doll that your eyes, nose, and tongue could pop out, you should shut your fucking mouth when somebody's telling a story.

00:44:49.000 But now I'm going to end up running into him.

00:44:51.000 Oh, it's going to be fine.

00:44:52.000 It's going to be fine.

00:44:53.000 Oh, Brian, you put a picture up online, you motherfucker!

00:44:56.000 Oh, Brian, how dare you?

00:44:57.000 He should just keep his mouth shut.

00:44:59.000 I like the guy.

00:45:00.000 He's a good guy, Dice.

00:45:01.000 I got nothing against the guy.

00:45:03.000 He was totally joking around, right?

00:45:04.000 Max will tell you.

00:45:05.000 It was totally just a thousand percent just goofing around.

00:45:08.000 I'll handle this guy when I see him at the store.

00:45:10.000 I'm going to see him at the store.

00:45:11.000 I'll handle this fucking guy.

00:45:13.000 He doesn't have a malicious bone in his body.

00:45:15.000 I'll get the pipe for this fucking guy.

00:45:17.000 He's a great guy.

00:45:17.000 I'll bang his head through his fucking shoes and we'll see if he ever talks again.

00:45:21.000 He's just trying to be funny.

00:45:23.000 No, I'm just goofing around.

00:45:24.000 I like Mark Ellis.

00:45:26.000 I'm just kidding around.

00:45:29.000 I never pick my hands up to nobody.

00:45:32.000 I know you don't.

00:45:33.000 You know that.

00:45:35.000 Nice guy.

00:45:36.000 Puppet head.

00:45:37.000 It's amazing to get through.

00:45:39.000 Mark the Puppet Ellis.

00:45:41.000 Let's see how he gets laid with that name when a girl goes, aren't you Mark the Puppet?

00:45:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:45:47.000 Let's see how much pussy he gets.

00:45:49.000 That should be the fucking quote on the cover of his book.

00:45:52.000 Well, you know what?

00:45:53.000 Mark, if you write a book, use that as a quote.

00:45:55.000 Yeah, Mark the Puppet.

00:45:57.000 And I like him.

00:45:58.000 I got nothing against the guy.

00:45:59.000 I see him every night at the store.

00:46:01.000 I think the store is about...

00:46:02.000 No, when I give a nickname, it sticks.

00:46:04.000 That's it.

00:46:05.000 Anybody ever give a nickname to?

00:46:07.000 I think the store is about to get caved in by that mountain in the back, you know, where everyone goes to smoke pot and stuff like that.

00:46:12.000 It's sliding?

00:46:12.000 Dude, big, huge chunks are now falling from it.

00:46:15.000 Like the other day, something hit the wall, and it was like...

00:46:17.000 Yeah, but that's going on for 30 years.

00:46:18.000 It has been.

00:46:19.000 Yeah, that's the reason why it's falling.

00:46:21.000 Everybody's always going on, a mountain's going to fall into the store, right?

00:46:24.000 So if it does, we'll perform on the street.

00:46:26.000 It is kind of a crazy thing to have one of those houses up there above it.

00:46:29.000 I lived up there for six years.

00:46:31.000 Crest Hill?

00:46:31.000 Yeah.

00:46:31.000 That was a beautiful place.

00:46:32.000 Nobody lived in that house longer than me.

00:46:34.000 Really?

00:46:35.000 Yeah.

00:46:35.000 I almost bought that house.

00:46:36.000 You want to hear the funniest story?

00:46:38.000 Yeah.

00:46:39.000 You know, I've had a bunch of wives.

00:46:40.000 I got a brand new wife now that I just got.

00:46:43.000 And...

00:46:45.000 My first wife, when I married her, you know, we come back to LA and she had an apartment, like off a fountain somewhere, so we take a cab to her apartment.

00:46:58.000 We come back from New York and she goes, okay, tomorrow we'll go, we'll pack all your stuff up and, you know, you'll move in here.

00:47:06.000 And I'm standing there and I go, I'm not moving out.

00:47:11.000 She goes, what do you mean you're not moving out?

00:47:13.000 I go, I gotta stay in Cresthill till I make it.

00:47:15.000 I go, I'm not going to live with you.

00:47:17.000 She goes, you married me.

00:47:18.000 I go, yeah, but it's not like I won't see you.

00:47:21.000 You know, I'll come over a lot.

00:47:22.000 You know, she actually used to come by my house 7 o'clock in the morning on her way to work because I was like in the maid's room in Crestal and I'd sleep with the windows open.

00:47:32.000 It had those, you know, it's a Spanish house with the bars.

00:47:35.000 And she'd be like, Andrew.

00:47:37.000 I go, yeah.

00:47:38.000 And she goes, no, I just wanted to stop by.

00:47:40.000 I'm going to work.

00:47:41.000 I go, yeah, I'll call you later.

00:47:42.000 We'll go out tonight.

00:47:44.000 You know, because, you know, it was like an emergency wedding, and because she thought she was pregnant at the time, whatever, and I wouldn't move in with her, so she moved into, so she winds up moving into Cresthill, you know, she moves into Cresthill, and I said, don't tell anybody we're married.

00:48:02.000 Nobody can know we're married.

00:48:04.000 And she goes, why not?

00:48:05.000 I go, well, your parents can know, but I go, I'm building a certain image.

00:48:08.000 You know, I was like 26, you know.

00:48:10.000 I go, you know, and I married you for you, you know, not really for me.

00:48:14.000 You know, so, you know, when you have this baby, you know, it'll be legitimate, whatever.

00:48:19.000 And she goes, so nobody could even know we're married?

00:48:22.000 I go, for what?

00:48:23.000 We know we're married.

00:48:24.000 Yeah.

00:48:24.000 You know, and obviously that marriage fell apart.

00:48:28.000 She moved into Cresthill and then Mitzi threw us out, you know, because she didn't want girlfriends up there.

00:48:33.000 God forbid she knew I got married.

00:48:36.000 But I was in Cresthill for over six years.

00:48:39.000 Did Mitzi ever give you advice?

00:48:42.000 Yeah, not to do the act I was doing when I started.

00:48:45.000 That's it.

00:48:46.000 Because she couldn't figure it out.

00:48:47.000 Right, because it was too aggressive.

00:48:49.000 But when she couldn't figure it out, I go, it's never been seen.

00:48:52.000 And that's why I knew it would work.

00:48:54.000 It was almost like taking the kind of characters you would see, like Travolta doing movies, like Tony Manero, those kind of, and putting them on a comedy stage.

00:49:04.000 That was my idea.

00:49:06.000 Wow.

00:49:07.000 That was an interesting time too.

00:49:10.000 Mitzi another time told me, alright, here's another time I knew I was going through the roof.

00:49:15.000 My second album, which was called The Day the Laughter Died, was a double CD with like no people in the audience.

00:49:23.000 From Dangerfield?

00:49:25.000 Yeah, so you know the album.

00:49:26.000 I know it well.

00:49:28.000 So, Mitzi...

00:49:29.000 What do you want me to tell you about?

00:49:30.000 Yeah, go ahead.

00:49:30.000 I was introduced to it by a guy named Mike Donovan, who's a top-notch Boston comic.

00:49:34.000 Really funny guy, but a local guy, one of those guys who just never leaves.

00:49:37.000 And he is in fucking tears, crying in the back of the Comedy Connection.

00:49:43.000 And he's listening to this cassette, and he's crying.

00:49:47.000 Tears are coming out, and the guy can't breathe.

00:49:48.000 And you're doing this thing about doing Nixon in a girl's ass, like doing a Nixon impression while you're eating a girl's ass.

00:49:55.000 And I'm telling you, Mike He's fucking crying.

00:49:58.000 He goes, this is the greatest CD I've ever heard in my life.

00:50:00.000 And he goes, the fucking guy just goes into a club.

00:50:03.000 No one knows he's going to be there.

00:50:04.000 There's ten people in the fucking audience.

00:50:06.000 And he has nothing planned.

00:50:08.000 Does whatever the fuck he wants.

00:50:09.000 Talks about whatever he wants.

00:50:10.000 He walks the whole crowd.

00:50:12.000 They're screaming and yelling at him.

00:50:13.000 He goes, it's fucking brilliant.

00:50:14.000 And he goes, and he put it all on a CD. This guy was crying.

00:50:17.000 Tears were coming down his eyes.

00:50:18.000 His face was red.

00:50:20.000 Listening to you do Nixon.

00:50:21.000 Well, what happened with that album is I was doing the Arenas at the time.

00:50:25.000 So the first album was like a high-powered album.

00:50:28.000 And, of course, we also recorded The Garden.

00:50:31.000 That was an album, Dice Rules.

00:50:33.000 But then I wanted to do a concept of the ultimate late-night set.

00:50:38.000 So Rick Rubin was the producer, but David Geffen would put out the albums.

00:50:43.000 So first I get a call from David Geffen going, I heard the new album.

00:50:49.000 And I go, yeah.

00:50:50.000 He goes, I don't get it.

00:50:54.000 I go, what's not to get?

00:50:56.000 He goes, there's no people.

00:50:58.000 And you hear people walking out on you.

00:51:00.000 And I go, well, it's a concept.

00:51:02.000 It's the ultimate late night set.

00:51:04.000 He goes, okay, but why does it have to be a double CD? Because it's like two and a half hours.

00:51:11.000 Two and a half hours.

00:51:13.000 And I go, because it's never been.

00:51:15.000 Nobody's ever done anything like that.

00:51:17.000 He goes, okay, it's your career, you know.

00:51:19.000 So now Mitzi wants to hear some of the new album.

00:51:24.000 So she comes up to my house like late at night.

00:51:27.000 I'm with my friend.

00:51:28.000 And we start playing it for her.

00:51:29.000 And she's sitting there listening.

00:51:31.000 And she starts smoking.

00:51:33.000 You know, she smokes cigarettes.

00:51:35.000 And she goes, Andrew, um...

00:51:38.000 This is going to ruin your career.

00:51:41.000 I go, you don't like it?

00:51:43.000 You know, I'm like goofing on her.

00:51:44.000 She goes, no, I don't like it.

00:51:46.000 She goes, you're playing the LA Forum.

00:51:49.000 Why would you put this out?

00:51:50.000 I go, it's never been done.

00:51:52.000 Why don't people understand that shit?

00:51:54.000 So the album comes out and it goes gold in four days.

00:51:58.000 And to this day, it's the favorite album of any of my fans.

00:52:03.000 Right.

00:52:05.000 I actually did a sequel, The Day to Laugh the Died Part 2, because people loved it so much.

00:52:11.000 Well, it's such a real moment, you know, when that guy, you're about as funny as a glass of milk.

00:52:16.000 Yeah, and any other comic would have cut that out of the album.

00:52:19.000 I wanted that reaction.

00:52:21.000 It was like a late night tourist crowd.

00:52:25.000 They're not expecting me.

00:52:26.000 It was perfect.

00:52:27.000 You know, I had like some bachelorette party there.

00:52:30.000 You know, I'm telling them, you know, I forgot what's even on the album because I was making it up.

00:52:35.000 You know, I had some notes in my pocket that said, like, Bette Midler shit yodels, nobody believes me.

00:52:41.000 You know, that people, when they run into me, they go, what did that mean exactly?

00:52:44.000 What does hour back mean?

00:52:47.000 You know, I'll call you in an hour back, get it?

00:52:49.000 But you keep saying it.

00:52:51.000 Like, why?

00:52:52.000 What's the meaning?

00:52:53.000 And I never talk about it.

00:52:55.000 I never give up on my own goofs.

00:52:57.000 You know, and I just never will.

00:53:01.000 That's a goof to a fucking very high scale, though.

00:53:04.000 Yeah, that album went in platinum.

00:53:06.000 You know, I mean, but the speed of the sales and how much people loved it.

00:53:12.000 Like, if it was the computer age, it would have just been a million tweets and a million, you know.

00:53:17.000 Well, what people loved it, what they loved about it was, first of all, there was nothing like it.

00:53:21.000 No one ever put a CD out of a 15, 20-person audience and half the people leaving and yelling at them.

00:53:27.000 No one's ever done that before.

00:53:27.000 Well, the second one ends with, I gotta fight this guy.

00:53:30.000 Yeah.

00:53:31.000 Well, you know, I was looking on the second on the second day to laugh that died, you know, because there's no beginning, middle or end.

00:53:37.000 I'm looking, how am I going to end this?

00:53:39.000 And these like two couples come in and they're drunk.

00:53:43.000 And I forgot what they were even saying.

00:53:45.000 But I get into it with the guy.

00:53:47.000 And then I dropped the mic to go after him.

00:53:50.000 And the album goes to nothing.

00:53:53.000 That's how the album ends because at that time, Club Soda Kenny, who was my bodyguard, he jumped on me as I was running to jump on the guy because he didn't want me to have a multi-million dollar lawsuit, you know.

00:54:07.000 I love Club Soda Kenny.

00:54:09.000 Yeah, but stuff like that would always go on, but this was recorded.

00:54:13.000 That's why it was so great.

00:54:14.000 And then those people were still there when I was done recording, and I went over to thank the guy for getting me angry and explained to the guy because I had no end for the album, and now I do, so I bought the guy a drink.

00:54:30.000 Because the guy thought I'm coming over now to fight him because he's out like me at a bar.

00:54:34.000 And I'm like, no, I don't want to fight you.

00:54:36.000 That was great inside.

00:54:37.000 You made the album happen.

00:54:39.000 I now have a great ending.

00:54:41.000 Nobody's going to know what happened once I dropped the mic.

00:54:44.000 Because I really got crazy.

00:54:46.000 Like, I lose it.

00:54:47.000 I don't know what happened.

00:54:49.000 It's what always happened to me, you know.

00:54:51.000 Well, you're also in that enhanced environment when you're on stage.

00:54:55.000 You know, when you're jacked up like that on stage, especially when you're in the middle of something.

00:54:59.000 Was the guy heckling?

00:55:01.000 Yeah.

00:55:01.000 He was just yelling shit.

00:55:03.000 You know, when I get somebody too drunk in an audience, that's when I lose it.

00:55:07.000 Yeah.

00:55:08.000 Because I make no excuses for adults.

00:55:10.000 I just don't.

00:55:11.000 That's why, you know, with the puppet, you know.

00:55:14.000 Yeah.

00:55:15.000 He's an adult.

00:55:16.000 I don't make an excuse.

00:55:17.000 Yeah.

00:55:17.000 Poor Mark.

00:55:19.000 No, he's a good guy.

00:55:19.000 I love the guy.

00:55:20.000 He fucked up.

00:55:21.000 He did fuck up, though.

00:55:22.000 Now he knows.

00:55:24.000 Yeah, now he knows.

00:55:25.000 Forever now, I guess, yeah.

00:55:26.000 Yeah, and when he sees me at the store, he shouldn't even bring it up.

00:55:29.000 That would be the smart thing.

00:55:30.000 The smart thing is correct, yes.

00:55:32.000 Don't even talk about it.

00:55:33.000 I don't want to get mad.

00:55:34.000 Save it.

00:55:34.000 I've been trying to, you know, watch.

00:55:35.000 Maybe say, hello, sir.

00:55:37.000 That might be nice.

00:55:38.000 Yeah, how you doing?

00:55:40.000 Mr. Clay.

00:55:41.000 I'm going to now have to have a conversation with you just to let him know it's cool.

00:55:45.000 I know.

00:55:46.000 No, but I love that Max is doing the comedy.

00:55:49.000 He actually worked with me last week in Vegas.

00:55:52.000 He did it down here at the Ice House a couple weeks ago and killed it.

00:55:55.000 Everybody came back with great reports.

00:55:57.000 So much.

00:55:58.000 It's amazing, man.

00:55:59.000 It's beautiful to see.

00:56:00.000 I mean, you are the son of one of the all-time greatest comics.

00:56:03.000 I mean, that's a fact.

00:56:04.000 Dice is, without a doubt, one of the all-time greats.

00:56:07.000 In my book, he's right up there.

00:56:09.000 There's only a few comics.

00:56:11.000 There's only like...

00:56:13.000 If you had room for top five, like five greatest comics of all time, he's in there for sure.

00:56:18.000 100%.

00:56:18.000 You are the son of that, dude.

00:56:20.000 Stop and think about comics.

00:56:20.000 No, but it's not a big deal.

00:56:21.000 I don't make it a big deal with them.

00:56:23.000 You should know.

00:56:25.000 No, but he does know.

00:56:26.000 He knows the history.

00:56:27.000 He knows it all.

00:56:28.000 But I always taught Max and Dylan.

00:56:32.000 They know who I am, but it's always...

00:56:35.000 Make your own road.

00:56:36.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:37.000 You know, not to live in my shadow.

00:56:39.000 If you do comedy, do your own kind of comedy.

00:56:42.000 Well, I remember I ran into you at the improv, and you were telling me how he was doing comedy, and you were so proud of him, man.

00:56:48.000 It was really cool to see.

00:56:50.000 You were so happy that it was working out well for me.

00:56:53.000 He just had a set and just killed, and you could see you had this, like, just a real genuine...

00:56:59.000 Appreciation of it.

00:57:00.000 Well, you know what it is?

00:57:01.000 He also has the work ethic.

00:57:03.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:03.000 He's at it every night.

00:57:04.000 He doesn't even let me come where he performs unless he's working with me.

00:57:08.000 And I can't blame him.

00:57:09.000 That's awesome, man.

00:57:10.000 You don't need that pressure in the crowd of me watching you.

00:57:13.000 But in Vegas, I would make mental notes, and we'd talk about...

00:57:16.000 Like, he'll come home, like, 2 in the morning, and I'll be out, like, on the curb, like I'm in Brooklyn, smoking cigarettes, and we'll first talk comedy until 4 o'clock.

00:57:24.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:57:25.000 That's the best.

00:57:26.000 That's awesome.

00:57:27.000 You know, so, I mean, he knows what he's doing, and he'll be on the special, too.

00:57:30.000 Does it give you an extra, like, an extra push, seeing your son going through the whole beginning stages, you know, and seeing him, you know, putting together an act?

00:57:40.000 Does it, like, charge you up for it?

00:57:41.000 Like, make you more creative or more excited about it?

00:57:46.000 Well, you know what?

00:57:46.000 I always believed in teaching kids by example.

00:57:50.000 Like, I'm one of those fathers that actually raised my kids, and A big part of what I'm doing now.

00:57:59.000 And yeah, it's a personal thing.

00:58:01.000 It's a job that's unfinished.

00:58:03.000 And that's why this special is going to be my last special.

00:58:06.000 I'm actually going to do it at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston.

00:58:10.000 Because Boston's always been great with me.

00:58:12.000 It's like a second home from Brooklyn.

00:58:14.000 Great common town.

00:58:14.000 Boston, Philadelphia.

00:58:18.000 So I'm going to do it there.

00:58:19.000 Max is going to be part of that show.

00:58:21.000 And he's going to show what he's got on that show.

00:58:24.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

00:58:25.000 But I always taught them by example and by me doing this, by me training physically and mentally and being on stage every night, shows him that even after all these years of comedy, I'm not taking this special and going, all right, I'll do the little special and see what happens.

00:58:42.000 I'm making sure that every comic watching this thing, especially the haters, sit there and go, fuck.

00:58:53.000 Why?

00:58:53.000 Why does he still have that fucking thing?

00:58:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:58:58.000 Because, you know, I'll be honest, right before I got Entourage, I was about a 42 waist, okay?

00:59:06.000 And then I got Entourage, and I'm like, alright, I can't be the fat guy in the Entourage.

00:59:11.000 So I started training, and I got in good enough shape to do the show.

00:59:15.000 And then I kept going because I don't just think of, well, let's see what happens from Entourage.

00:59:20.000 I didn't wait for the phone to ring.

00:59:22.000 I'm 10 steps ahead thinking, okay, start touring, build up, do the specials.

00:59:26.000 special then do a major tour I was with David Ritz last night he's gonna do my autobiography he's done people he did Don Rickles as far as comics he's done Marvin Gaye he did Wow what's the movie Jamie Fox started Ray Charles.

00:59:44.000 Ray Charles.

00:59:44.000 He wrote that book.

00:59:46.000 He's written a ton of books and now he wants to do mine.

00:59:49.000 And George Gallo wants to do the movie.

00:59:54.000 Who would play you?

00:59:55.000 Well, I'll let Max tell you how that came about.

00:59:58.000 You can tell him the story.

01:00:00.000 Who should play me?

01:00:01.000 Well, the name that I guess we've all been discussing is James Franco.

01:00:07.000 And I met with Franco about two and a half years ago to discuss the movie, because he would have that look of me like in the 30s, like when I was in my 30s.

01:00:17.000 He can act his fucking ass off.

01:00:18.000 Yeah, he can do it.

01:00:20.000 We met for about three hours.

01:00:22.000 By the time he left my hotel, he was doing, not Dice, he was doing Andrew.

01:00:28.000 I mean, he's a real method actor.

01:00:30.000 He would know how to play that role perfectly.

01:00:32.000 Yeah, he's a real fucking actor.

01:00:34.000 Yeah, I mean, you do a role, there he is.

01:00:38.000 And he's the type of guy that he'll move in with you to learn everything you do.

01:00:44.000 Did you ever see Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, where Johnny Depp played Hunter S. Thompson?

01:00:51.000 No.

01:00:51.000 He lived with Hunter S. Thompson.

01:00:53.000 Lived in his basement for like six months.

01:00:55.000 Just hanging out with that crazy old asshole while he was like shooting guns off his back porch.

01:00:59.000 You know, Hunter S. Thompson was gone.

01:01:01.000 Well, Depp is incredible.

01:01:03.000 Depp is, you know.

01:01:04.000 Yeah.

01:01:04.000 I did a movie with Johnny Depp.

01:01:06.000 Me, Johnny Depp, and Rob Morrow.

01:01:08.000 You know Rob Morrow?

01:01:09.000 He starred in Quiz Show.

01:01:10.000 Yeah.

01:01:11.000 Did the show Northern Exposure.

01:01:13.000 And we did this movie called Private Resort.

01:01:16.000 It was one of Johnny Depp.

01:01:17.000 This is a funny story.

01:01:18.000 Yeah.

01:01:19.000 So it's me, Johnny Depp, and Rob Morrow.

01:01:22.000 And even the producer said, the three of you guys are going to be major stars.

01:01:27.000 And then I met, you know Jim Schubert, right?

01:01:30.000 Sure, yeah.

01:01:31.000 Okay.

01:01:31.000 So I was friends with Jimmy Schubert back then, and Jimmy Schubert thought he was going to be James Dean.

01:01:38.000 Okay?

01:01:39.000 And I would say, well, you're not going to be James Dean, but on top of that, you know Johnny Depp.

01:01:45.000 And he would laugh because he didn't know who Johnny Depp was yet.

01:01:48.000 You know, Johnny Depp was unknown.

01:01:50.000 And he goes, what the fuck is Johnny Depp?

01:01:52.000 I go, Johnny Depp is James Dean, trust me.

01:01:55.000 And then Jump Street happened, 21 Jump Street, and Schubert comes to me and goes, there really is a Johnny Depp.

01:02:03.000 I thought that was a name you made up, like one of your names.

01:02:06.000 I go, I'm telling you, this is the real deal.

01:02:09.000 And Johnny obviously has had an incredible acting career.

01:02:12.000 And every time I see him, it's like, I did that movie with that guy who's done all these great...

01:02:18.000 It's like an honor when you get to work with somebody that blew up like he did.

01:02:22.000 Yeah, he's an all-time great actor.

01:02:24.000 Yeah, he's amazing, but Franco's the right age to play the main part of that movie.

01:02:30.000 And he would be doing all your material, so would you coach him?

01:02:34.000 Yeah, that's a guy that moves in with you, learns about your whole life, You know, from what you are off stage to what you are on stage.

01:02:43.000 Because he's got to play it all.

01:02:45.000 That would be fascinating.

01:02:47.000 What part of your life is it going to cover?

01:02:49.000 When you explode?

01:02:49.000 Well, no.

01:02:50.000 From childhood on.

01:02:51.000 But not much about childhood.

01:02:53.000 Because a lot of that movie would show what really went on with the controversy.

01:02:58.000 How they pulled the premiere of Ford Fairlane.

01:03:01.000 Which was going to be at the LA Forum.

01:03:04.000 I mean, a lot went down.

01:03:06.000 The studio heads...

01:03:07.000 Lives were being threatened by the gay community.

01:03:11.000 You know, Barry Diller, they were telling them they're going to blow up his house with a pipe bomb.

01:03:15.000 You know, I mean, that was all.

01:03:17.000 They were plastering up.

01:03:18.000 You know, I was with...

01:03:19.000 Sandy Gowen was my manager.

01:03:21.000 David Geffen put out the albums.

01:03:23.000 And Barry Diller was the movie studio.

01:03:26.000 So, you know, the gay community were posting them on all the, like, telephone poles in Hollywood saying how they have to get rid of this guy...

01:03:35.000 And, you know, and it wound up a mess.

01:03:38.000 It wound up, you know, I got blackballed.

01:03:41.000 I got banned.

01:03:43.000 You know, I got banned from everything, including my cousin Herschel's bar mitzvah at Leonard's in Long Island.

01:03:49.000 I had, when I was first starting out, I was dirty, you know, and open mic guys, the open mic hosts would always tell you, oh, you got to clean it up, you got to clean it up.

01:04:00.000 And they would say, like, what do you think?

01:04:01.000 You're Dice Clay?

01:04:02.000 Are you Dice Clay?

01:04:03.000 No, you're not.

01:04:04.000 So clean it up.

01:04:05.000 But how did Dice Clay get to be Dice Clay?

01:04:07.000 That's right.

01:04:08.000 If it's funny, isn't that enough?

01:04:11.000 You know what?

01:04:12.000 The first time I did Vegas with the Dunes, when Mitzi had the Dunes there, I got fired the second night.

01:04:17.000 Because what she would do, she would rehearse the comics act.

01:04:22.000 You had to rehearse for her and do the jokes exactly the way you rehearsed it.

01:04:27.000 Oh, just her and the crowd?

01:04:29.000 Yeah.

01:04:29.000 Just her.

01:04:30.000 So now the show happens and now it's a live crowd.

01:04:33.000 So, of course, I just go into, you know, all my gay material and, you know, I'm doing what I have to do to kill the crowd because I'm closing the show.

01:04:42.000 Right.

01:04:42.000 So after the show, she goes, I told you to stick to the act you rehearsed.

01:04:48.000 I go, I'm not a puppet.

01:04:50.000 Did we say that word today?

01:04:52.000 Yeah.

01:04:52.000 Anyway, I'm fucking around.

01:04:55.000 I go, I'm not a puppet.

01:04:57.000 And I go, Mitzi, you know about talent.

01:04:59.000 You know how to pick talent.

01:05:00.000 But you don't know the feeling on stage when you've got an audience.

01:05:03.000 You have to go the way the audience is going.

01:05:06.000 So the second night, after my set, I actually come over to her because I know I'm going to get fired.

01:05:13.000 And I go, look, don't feel bad about sending me home.

01:05:16.000 And she goes, I don't.

01:05:18.000 You know?

01:05:19.000 And it was funny because I sat in that showroom after and I go, you know what?

01:05:23.000 They're just not ready for you yet.

01:05:25.000 And it was funny, outside, right across the street was Bally's.

01:05:29.000 And the marquee read, Tom Jones is here.

01:05:32.000 That's how he would, you know, have it on the marquee.

01:05:34.000 And I go, well, that's where I'm going to be.

01:05:37.000 And two years later, you know, there's my name up at Bally's.

01:05:42.000 You know, so I just knew they weren't ready for me yet.

01:05:46.000 But I stuck to my guns.

01:05:47.000 I did my material the way I thought I should.

01:05:49.000 And I always have.

01:05:51.000 And I still do.

01:05:52.000 It's one of those things that if you compromised and just tried to make everybody happy from the beginning, you would have never found that audience.

01:05:57.000 I'd be back in a clothing store going, what are you, a 42 regular?

01:06:01.000 That's what I'd be doing.

01:06:03.000 It's amazing how you just sort of calculated it all out, though.

01:06:07.000 I'm doing it again, though.

01:06:08.000 Yeah.

01:06:09.000 You know, like, I know the day after New Year's, and this is not, you know, you have the career you have, which is, to me, an incredible career.

01:06:16.000 I mean, you've gone, I mean, between Fear Factor and what you did, how you took it back to the martial arts and doing your comedy that way.

01:06:24.000 You know, you get my respect.

01:06:25.000 If you didn't, I wouldn't even be here today.

01:06:27.000 Thank you very much, man.

01:06:27.000 No, I think you're great.

01:06:28.000 I was watching you when you first came to the store.

01:06:30.000 That's why I would even take the time to give you some advice.

01:06:33.000 I really appreciate it.

01:06:34.000 For me, that was huge.

01:06:36.000 It meant a lot to me.

01:06:37.000 Well, you know what?

01:06:37.000 When I met Dane Cook and he was doing The Bigger Places, you know...

01:06:42.000 I actually met him the day his father passed away, and I met him in Beverly Hills, and he was telling me how I influenced him, and I felt good that I'd been sticking up for the guy, because I never knew who the guy was until he took off.

01:06:56.000 And you know, just like all these scumbag comics, that's why I hate these guys, they all stab you, you know how they are.

01:07:02.000 And they're all in the back of the comedy store.

01:07:04.000 They're not even on that night.

01:07:06.000 You know, they're making nothing.

01:07:08.000 Going, ah, he's a fucking thief.

01:07:09.000 He's this, he's that.

01:07:11.000 He took my bit.

01:07:12.000 I go, well, why didn't you go over and smack him in the face five years ago for taking your bit?

01:07:18.000 But now that the guy's doing great, he's not funny.

01:07:20.000 He's no good.

01:07:21.000 In the meantime, he's drawing 10, 15,000 people a night.

01:07:25.000 And you're not making $20 tonight.

01:07:28.000 He hit some rarefied air, that's for sure.

01:07:30.000 So, yeah, I would always back, you know, when Eminem took off, how people would come down on him.

01:07:35.000 And I became friends with him over that.

01:07:39.000 Actually Eminem was going to do seven albums with me.

01:07:43.000 He gave me a deal for seven CDs that he was going to produce and at that time I had no heat on me and he was with I think EMI and they said we're not giving him the deal because there's no heat right now.

01:07:57.000 But that's how I became, you know, friendly with Eminem.

01:08:00.000 And it was all of a sudden, Max had the story with Eminem.

01:08:04.000 What year would you say there was no heat?

01:08:08.000 I had nothing going on from around 2000 on.

01:08:15.000 Really?

01:08:16.000 Till when?

01:08:17.000 Till recently.

01:08:18.000 So is Entourage, you think, 100% for all this?

01:08:21.000 Well, what happened is, obviously, I went through divorce.

01:08:24.000 And it was, you know, my personal life's always been more important to me than, you know, a career life.

01:08:30.000 So, yeah, I would do the road and I would do my gigs, but I didn't have the management.

01:08:35.000 I didn't have the publicists out there.

01:08:38.000 All I really cared about was, when I left, my boys was 7 and 11 years old.

01:08:43.000 So it was more important for me to be around and raise them the right way.

01:08:48.000 And they both live with me.

01:08:52.000 But I prepared through this whole past decade, as bad as it was, I would work on the new material and say, at the right time, I'm going to hit them again.

01:09:03.000 Because if you walk around telling people you're the undisputed comedy king, well, if you do another special, you better prove that.

01:09:11.000 You know, and that's the bottom line.

01:09:13.000 So you like challenging yourself like that?

01:09:15.000 Completely.

01:09:16.000 You make yourself rise to the occasion.

01:09:18.000 You know, Max could tell you how I train for this thing.

01:09:21.000 You know, what goes on in the gym.

01:09:23.000 Louis CK does that too.

01:09:25.000 Louis told me that he trains for a special, like a fight.

01:09:28.000 Like he gears up like he gets in shape.

01:09:30.000 No, you explain it.

01:09:31.000 My dad really, he trains like a bodybuilder.

01:09:34.000 You know, it's not even like I got to lose five pounds.

01:09:37.000 It's like, no, I got to put on 10 pounds of muscle and drop 20 pounds of whatever.

01:09:41.000 But yeah, we're always in the gym, always training.

01:09:43.000 Yeah, the guy that actually trained Stallone for Rocky, when I was getting ready to do Ford Fairlane, I became friends with Stallone, and he introduced me to his trainer.

01:09:54.000 The guy's name is George Pippasek.

01:09:57.000 And the guy was from Czechoslovakia and he was Mr. Czechoslovakia four years in a row.

01:10:04.000 And then when steroids came into the business, he quit and moved to America and he built, he didn't just open a private gym, he built every, he was also a machinist and built every machine in that gym.

01:10:19.000 And this guy really taught me how to change my body when I have to change it, how to amplify any muscle, you know?

01:10:28.000 So with this special, you know, I am.

01:10:31.000 I'm 54 years old.

01:10:33.000 And when I walk out there, it's almost like when I see certain guys in the crowd that are my age or old, and I ask how old they are, and they go, you know, I'm 55 years old.

01:10:43.000 And I'm looking at the guy like he's 75. So it's like I almost want to be hopeful to those people because even as you get older, one of the other things I would call myself is like the Rocky of comedy.

01:10:55.000 Like I'll watch Rocky 6 and go, that's where I am and that's who I am.

01:11:00.000 And his messages in those movies about taking your life and reaching your potential is what I always use.

01:11:08.000 So yeah, I could just throw on a leather and walk out there and have a belly sticking out the gear.

01:11:14.000 But it's like, why do that when I'm more than capable of completely restructuring my body and giving the fans exactly what they want from me?

01:11:25.000 And it makes you feel like you're gearing up for something, too, right?

01:11:27.000 Yeah, it does.

01:11:28.000 I go up the mountains, I go to the gym, and Max had the funniest line.

01:11:34.000 There was this producer in the gym the other day that...

01:11:39.000 I'm going to get on the treadmill.

01:11:40.000 And he got on one of these bouncing things.

01:11:44.000 And I go, why don't you do the workout with me?

01:11:46.000 And he goes, why am I going to work out with you?

01:11:49.000 And Max is standing there, but this other guy comes over that works in golds.

01:11:52.000 His name's Travis.

01:11:54.000 And he goes, because he knows what he's doing.

01:11:57.000 And this guy, Travis, is what, like 30 years old?

01:11:59.000 And he's completely ripped.

01:12:01.000 He's like 6'2".

01:12:03.000 And he goes, when I train with Dice...

01:12:07.000 I shake when I'm writing the next day.

01:12:10.000 He goes, that's how hard he trains and what he does to each muscle.

01:12:14.000 So when Max gets me alone, he goes, you know, because in the gym, like you could be in a tank top, you're in different clothing.

01:12:22.000 And Max goes, why would this producer even question you?

01:12:26.000 You have worked out.

01:12:27.000 It's on you.

01:12:31.000 And it just cracked me up because people look to...

01:12:37.000 Instead of building you up, they always look to knock you down.

01:12:40.000 And I always use those negatives to propel myself.

01:12:46.000 See, before I walk out on stage, I gave Chris Rock the same advice before he did.

01:12:50.000 Bring the pain.

01:12:52.000 And it's actually a funny story because I came into the comedy store...

01:12:57.000 And Chris was on stage rehearsing his material, and he came to the back, and me and Chris, our bondingers were both from Brooklyn, went to the same high school.

01:13:06.000 I'm like 10 years older than them, but we always had that bond.

01:13:09.000 So I said to Chris, I go, you know, what's going on with your life?

01:13:13.000 He goes, well, you know, I'm getting ready to do this special for HBO. You know, how many are they going to give me?

01:13:18.000 And I look at him and I go, let me ask you something.

01:13:21.000 I go, we're friends, right?

01:13:23.000 And he goes, yeah.

01:13:24.000 I go, does it bother you at all that when you leave this club, every comic looks at you like a fucking zero?

01:13:32.000 And he's looking at me going, why would you say that?

01:13:35.000 I go, because that's how they look at you.

01:13:37.000 You're a fucking zero in their eyes.

01:13:40.000 You've done nothing other than what Eddie Murphy did for you.

01:13:43.000 How does that sound?

01:13:45.000 That's what they think of you.

01:13:47.000 He goes, why would you say that?

01:13:48.000 I go, because you're standing and talking about a special like it's just another special.

01:13:53.000 I go, when a network like HBO or Showtime, they give you a special, they're giving it to you because that's what they think you are.

01:14:01.000 And if you treat it with the attitude you just said it to me with, that's what's going to happen.

01:14:07.000 Nothing.

01:14:08.000 I go, when you are behind the stage and you're thinking you're going out there in two minutes, think of every comic watching going, he's a fucking zero.

01:14:20.000 And you know what the other side of your brain should be thinking about?

01:14:22.000 The family that's been backing your ass.

01:14:25.000 All these years and they're praying for you.

01:14:28.000 And you use both those things and start moving around on stage a little because you stand there like a fucking soldier and as good as your material is, people are going to fall asleep watching you.

01:14:39.000 And that's when he developed that crazy walk back and forth.

01:14:42.000 So you coached him into that?

01:14:43.000 I coached him with that.

01:14:44.000 Nothing about his material.

01:14:46.000 He gave me a thank you on the special.

01:14:48.000 That's awesome.

01:14:49.000 And he scored and became a big star because he listened.

01:14:53.000 No, he listened because what I do understand, Joe, is about performance.

01:14:58.000 Because I studied rock stars.

01:15:00.000 I studied the greatest of the greats.

01:15:02.000 If it was with the drums, it was Buddy Rich.

01:15:05.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:06.000 The greatest drummer to ever live.

01:15:08.000 Buddy was doing shows when he was two years old.

01:15:11.000 Wow.

01:15:13.000 So I studied the greats.

01:15:14.000 I didn't study comics because, like I keep telling you, they bored me to fucking tears.

01:15:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:19.000 The only one...

01:15:20.000 Like Rodney Dangerfield or Don Rickles.

01:15:23.000 When I watch Don Rickles, I'm on the floor banging my hands laughing because he's a fucking animal.

01:15:29.000 He gets it.

01:15:30.000 You know what I mean?

01:15:31.000 Other guys come out there.

01:15:33.000 Well, you know, I started dating.

01:15:35.000 I go, just fucking move!

01:15:37.000 You know, even with Max, when he's performing in Vegas, I go, just take a pace...

01:15:42.000 Grab that mic and start pacing a little.

01:15:45.000 And they will follow you and they'll be with you.

01:15:47.000 But if you just stand in one spot, they're going to get tired and start nodding off just to the sound of a voice.

01:15:54.000 It's true.

01:15:55.000 It's excellent advice.

01:15:56.000 It is.

01:15:57.000 Unless you're Joey Diaz.

01:15:58.000 Joey Diaz just stands there.

01:15:59.000 Yeah, well, look at him, though.

01:16:02.000 Man's a human mountain screaming at an audience.

01:16:04.000 You're going to pay attention.

01:16:06.000 I love Diaz.

01:16:07.000 You know what's so funny about Diaz?

01:16:10.000 My new wife, she's half Latin and half Italian, Jewish, whatever she is.

01:16:18.000 But years ago, Diaz was talking about girls, and he's talking about Latin girls.

01:16:23.000 He goes, you don't want that Latin pussy.

01:16:25.000 You never want Latin pussy.

01:16:27.000 And I go, how come?

01:16:29.000 He goes, because you never get out.

01:16:32.000 Right.

01:16:32.000 You know, he goes, you never get out.

01:16:35.000 They're fucking crazy.

01:16:36.000 It's the hottest shit on the fucking planet.

01:16:37.000 Do you understand?

01:16:38.000 You don't want to go near that.

01:16:40.000 This is, you know, 20 years before I met my wife, but now I know what the fuck he's talking about.

01:16:46.000 That's classic Joey Diaz.

01:16:48.000 Oh no, he was on the back staircase talking about Cuban food and every other fucking food.

01:16:55.000 Those fucking bitches will stab you while you're coming.

01:16:58.000 You know what?

01:16:59.000 He's right.

01:17:01.000 I was talking about a Latina girl that I was dating when I first listened to your cassette.

01:17:06.000 When I was 19, that bitch was off the charts.

01:17:09.000 Nothing like it.

01:17:10.000 I married my wife within a year's time.

01:17:12.000 Wow.

01:17:13.000 And we've been happy ever since.

01:17:15.000 You just said, I'll take it.

01:17:16.000 Other than when we're breaking the house apart.

01:17:19.000 Because at the beginning, it was always funny because if we got into a fight, I'm fucking leaving.

01:17:26.000 Here go, the bags are rolling out.

01:17:27.000 I'm throwing them down the stairs.

01:17:30.000 Max is looking.

01:17:31.000 And it got to a point where my sons would be like, You know what?

01:17:35.000 We're not even going to pay attention to this anymore.

01:17:37.000 How often were you breaking up?

01:17:38.000 Well, at the beginning, a lot.

01:17:40.000 You know, like every other day.

01:17:42.000 No, there was a couple months stretch of...

01:17:44.000 But she's the only girl, you know, number one, my wife, you know, knows more about me than me, and she's a lot younger than me, and she has studied it now.

01:17:55.000 So she was a Dice fan?

01:17:56.000 No, she wasn't a Dice fan.

01:17:58.000 Her friend, when I met her, her friend knew everything about me, but she didn't even know who I was.

01:18:03.000 So once we started going out, she started on the internet and studying it, and she watches every show I do, and she's the one that got me into the social media with the fucking Twitter shit.

01:18:15.000 You know, years ago when people would go, Dice, do you tweet?

01:18:18.000 I go, you know what?

01:18:19.000 I eat pussy.

01:18:19.000 That's as far as I take it.

01:18:21.000 You know, but she got me into all that stuff and, you know, she's good with the material.

01:18:25.000 I never listened to anybody about material, you know, in my whole life.

01:18:30.000 Any woman I went with, any friend.

01:18:33.000 But she actually knows.

01:18:35.000 She gets it and she'll give me like little things to say and it kills.

01:18:40.000 You know, she really just gets what I do and really studies it.

01:18:44.000 That's hilarious.

01:18:45.000 So she's almost like she can be a writer, too.

01:18:47.000 Because she knows you so well.

01:18:49.000 She's my number one fan.

01:18:51.000 She's my groupie.

01:18:52.000 And she's the only one I want.

01:18:54.000 Trust me.

01:18:54.000 You know?

01:18:55.000 That's hilarious.

01:18:56.000 You've met her.

01:18:56.000 You've met her at the improv.

01:18:57.000 Yeah, she's great.

01:18:58.000 She's great.

01:18:59.000 Valerie, I hope you're listening.

01:19:01.000 She's also on Twitter under Miss Dice Clay.

01:19:04.000 Yeah, she loves being Mrs. Dice Clay.

01:19:06.000 She loves it.

01:19:09.000 Yeah, she does the merchandise at the shows.

01:19:12.000 Oh, does she?

01:19:13.000 Yeah.

01:19:13.000 That's awesome.

01:19:13.000 And I'll talk about my Latin wife.

01:19:16.000 I go, yeah, the day after we got married, a mother moves in.

01:19:20.000 Then the father and then 90 cousins.

01:19:23.000 Here come 90 cousins.

01:19:25.000 Half of them aren't cousins.

01:19:26.000 And I'm going, all I know is half my fucking truck is missing.

01:19:30.000 But she's got the greatest family.

01:19:33.000 I carry a picture of her mother.

01:19:38.000 Where's my bag?

01:19:39.000 I gotta show them this.

01:19:40.000 I don't have a picture of my wife on me.

01:19:43.000 So your Twitter's the real Dice Clay.

01:19:44.000 The real Dice Clay.

01:19:45.000 Anything else is not.

01:19:47.000 Is that your fanny pack?

01:19:49.000 Yeah.

01:19:49.000 I have one as well.

01:19:50.000 This is my little fake bag.

01:19:51.000 I enjoy the fanny pack and I'm proud of you for sporting one as well.

01:19:55.000 For years.

01:19:55.000 I'll add you to the list.

01:19:56.000 Yeah, it's a great way.

01:19:58.000 Look at a nice picture I carry of her mother.

01:20:00.000 Take a look.

01:20:02.000 Oh wait, where's her mother?

01:20:04.000 It's the mommy.

01:20:05.000 There's Mamacita Senior.

01:20:07.000 There's me.

01:20:08.000 Look how handsome.

01:20:11.000 My wife will see that.

01:20:13.000 She'll go, you took out the wrinkled picture?

01:20:17.000 Fort Fairline used to be...

01:20:18.000 But I gotta tell you this, too, because obviously you're friends with Eleanor.

01:20:22.000 You know, Eleanor's like my extra wife, and, you know, so she also opens the shows for me.

01:20:29.000 So anytime there's a problem with me and Eleanor, Eleanor goes to my wife, and now I gotta get it in the dressing room from the two of them.

01:20:38.000 Max has witnessed this.

01:20:39.000 It's hysterical.

01:20:41.000 They gang up on him?

01:20:41.000 They do.

01:20:42.000 Does he enjoy it a little bit?

01:20:43.000 Yeah.

01:20:44.000 Yeah.

01:20:45.000 Yeah, because, see, you know, they both have different talents.

01:20:48.000 Like, you know, I told you about my neck.

01:20:50.000 Right.

01:20:50.000 You know, my wife's a little lazy about it because she's got, like, fingernails, like, longer than your foot.

01:20:55.000 You know, and they're always, like, different things, whatever she does.

01:20:59.000 But Eleanor, she's South Philly, so she gets in there with the elbows.

01:21:04.000 You know what I mean?

01:21:04.000 So be like, Eleanor, you got to work on me tonight.

01:21:07.000 You know what I mean?

01:21:08.000 And she'll, like, dig in for a good hour.

01:21:11.000 Yeah.

01:21:11.000 Yeah, it's all different styles.

01:21:12.000 Is that from lifting your back?

01:21:15.000 Yeah, I just always had a bad neck and back.

01:21:17.000 Do you stretch a lot?

01:21:18.000 No, I don't stretch enough.

01:21:20.000 I know.

01:21:20.000 You told me that.

01:21:21.000 Yeah, it's also your hamstrings.

01:21:23.000 A lot of times when people are experiencing pain and tightness in their back, it really has a lot to do with your hamstrings.

01:21:28.000 If you don't have a flexible back, you've got to think about all the different ways your back moves.

01:21:33.000 No, I do stretch.

01:21:34.000 I just don't stretch as long as I should.

01:21:36.000 You've got to stretch a lot, especially as you get older.

01:21:38.000 I saw that thing of you in one of the...

01:21:40.000 Martial arts magazines, like, doing the split.

01:21:44.000 Yeah, I could do that.

01:21:45.000 You know, and that's when I decided, never have a problem with him.

01:21:49.000 Never have a problem with him.

01:21:51.000 He knows too much.

01:21:53.000 Flexibility is one of the most important things, as you get older especially.

01:21:57.000 It's something you have to do like brushing your teeth.

01:21:59.000 If you don't brush your teeth, you can go to bed and not brush your teeth for a few fucking months and nothing really will happen, except you get bad breath.

01:22:06.000 You've got to think about stretching like that.

01:22:08.000 It's an important piece of body maintenance, especially as you get older.

01:22:12.000 Even as you're younger, especially if you're younger and you're lifting weights, there's a lot of people that fuck their body up because they lift weights and they don't stretch out.

01:22:18.000 You've got to make sure you get a full range of motion.

01:22:21.000 Do you still, talking about that, do you actually still fight?

01:22:24.000 I still do jujitsu.

01:22:25.000 I do jujitsu sparring.

01:22:27.000 I don't do any kickboxing anymore because I hit the bag and I work with trainers and hit the pads and stuff, but sparring is not good for your brain.

01:22:35.000 Yeah, because you're an interesting guy.

01:22:36.000 I mean, to learn what degree are you?

01:22:41.000 Well, I stopped taking Taekwondo, which was the martial arts that I first got my black belt in when I was a second degree.

01:22:47.000 And I stopped because I started getting into kickboxing.

01:22:50.000 I started getting into Muay Thai.

01:22:51.000 So I mixed all this other stuff in with the Taekwondo and sort of changed my whole style of kicking.

01:22:57.000 So that was the last time I was ever ranked was a second degree.

01:23:00.000 So let me ask you, because you also do like an aggressive show.

01:23:03.000 You know, as a comic, do you get, because people know that about you, do you get fucked with like that?

01:23:09.000 No.

01:23:09.000 The people that come to the shows are so fucking friendly.

01:23:12.000 I have no problems.

01:23:14.000 Everyone's so nice, man.

01:23:16.000 We have a friendly podcast.

01:23:17.000 It's a fun podcast, you know, and I do martial arts and I've started doing martial arts because For two reasons.

01:23:24.000 One, because I was picked on when I was younger, and I didn't like it.

01:23:27.000 And I didn't have an older brother, and my stepfather was hardly ever around.

01:23:30.000 So I had a fight.

01:23:31.000 And I didn't like it.

01:23:32.000 I didn't like people fucking with me.

01:23:33.000 So I learned how to fight.

01:23:34.000 It was really that simple.

01:23:35.000 Then once I got really good at it, I did it because I think martial arts is the most dangerous, challenging, and character-building path for human development.

01:23:45.000 I think, to really know about yourself, there's two ways.

01:23:48.000 You could go to war, you could find out about yourself shooting people overseas, fighting hand-to-hand combat in a fucking ditch, and stab a guy with a knife.

01:23:54.000 You could find out a lot about yourself in that situation, or you could travel around the country and fight in martial arts tournaments.

01:24:00.000 You can do that, and you can find out an incredible amount about Your tolerance to pain.

01:24:05.000 You're willing to push through adversity.

01:24:07.000 That's what would get me nuts with you, though.

01:24:09.000 That's what the joke was for me.

01:24:11.000 Because I know with martial arts, it's all the mind and body.

01:24:16.000 So when I would see you lose it, I'd be like, isn't this guy supposed to be zen?

01:24:24.000 You know when I'm bad at it?

01:24:25.000 I'm bad at it for two times.

01:24:27.000 One, if I'm drinking and someone's just talking shit and they're being aggressive.

01:24:30.000 I get so angry.

01:24:31.000 Yeah, but that's what they teach you to just be, you know.

01:24:33.000 Oh, I'm way better at it now.

01:24:34.000 I'm way better at it now.

01:24:35.000 But the real problem, I would always have two problems.

01:24:38.000 The biggest one was when I saw someone bullying someone.

01:24:41.000 That shit would drive me fucking crazy.

01:24:44.000 It drives me crazy.

01:24:45.000 When I see someone bully someone.

01:24:47.000 You know what?

01:24:47.000 That's how I am too.

01:24:48.000 I was never like.

01:24:49.000 I fucking hate it.

01:24:50.000 You know, it was never about, like, being a bully.

01:24:53.000 It was just being able to protect myself.

01:24:57.000 And I would also hate when I saw people get fucked with.

01:25:00.000 Yeah.

01:25:01.000 Like that.

01:25:01.000 I understand where you're coming from.

01:25:03.000 Well, that was the hot point.

01:25:05.000 The one story that you were talking about was screaming at this guy in front of the club.

01:25:08.000 He was threatening that he was going to kill one of the guys that worked there.

01:25:12.000 They were kicking him out of the club because he was drunk, and he was saying he was going to kick my ass, and I didn't think anything of it.

01:25:17.000 But then I got off stage, and my friend's worried, and he's in the front of the club.

01:25:21.000 He's like, that fucking guy's still out here, man.

01:25:23.000 He's saying he's going to kill me.

01:25:24.000 He's saying he just got back from Iraq, and I just...

01:25:27.000 I just couldn't.

01:25:28.000 No, you lost it.

01:25:29.000 I saw Red and I was like, I'm going to beat this guy.

01:25:31.000 Yeah, I saw you weren't going to hit him or anything, but I just found it.

01:25:34.000 I was trying to get him to hit me.

01:25:36.000 No, I know that.

01:25:37.000 That's all I was trying to do.

01:25:38.000 I just wanted to swim.

01:25:39.000 Oh, I was there for that.

01:25:39.000 I was there for them and see a fight.

01:25:41.000 Well, that was totally different.

01:25:43.000 I didn't want to hurt that guy.

01:25:44.000 No, I know that, but it was so beautiful because you were like, if the mic was his nose, you were right here.

01:25:51.000 It was so enjoyable.

01:25:52.000 Well, you know and everybody knew that Wencia was a different case.

01:25:55.000 He's a guy who unfortunately has some sort of a psychological issue.

01:25:59.000 I don't know what it was, but we had this guy that was around the comedy community that wasn't like everybody else.

01:26:04.000 And he would literally go right on before you and do your best bit.

01:26:08.000 Say if you had a bit about fucking hitting your computer with a hammer, he would open with his version of your hitting the computer with a hammer bit.

01:26:16.000 I mean, it was just...

01:26:17.000 He was aggressive in it.

01:26:19.000 It wasn't just that he was trying to do good for himself.

01:26:21.000 He was also trying to shut you down.

01:26:23.000 He was trying to step on your material.

01:26:24.000 It was a real, real fucking big problem.

01:26:28.000 But even still then, I never tried to hit that guy.

01:26:30.000 No, I know.

01:26:31.000 I was there that night with the argument.

01:26:33.000 What was so crazy is, Max, that night...

01:26:36.000 It was like they advertised him that he's going to be performing there.

01:26:40.000 So it's so embarrassing.

01:26:43.000 He comes up there.

01:26:45.000 But I was there when it happened.

01:26:48.000 There's so many comics in the room that were backing me up.

01:26:52.000 I felt like I was representing them as much as I was representing myself.

01:26:56.000 We were so sick and tired of it by that time.

01:27:00.000 And if it wasn't for Brian catching it on video...

01:27:04.000 That guy probably would have pulled that off for another couple of years and victimized a bunch of other guys.

01:27:08.000 And it ain't good for him either, man.

01:27:09.000 He's a talented performer.

01:27:11.000 He can do his own thing.

01:27:12.000 Well, you know what?

01:27:12.000 I always tell Max, I go, if you're truthful up there and write your own material, you got a career.

01:27:19.000 You don't want to depend on other people to write your material.

01:27:21.000 So just use your mind.

01:27:23.000 And when you're on stage, just let it go.

01:27:26.000 You know, that's all you got to do.

01:27:27.000 And he's getting better and better at it.

01:27:30.000 And...

01:27:31.000 You know, the special, he's going to do something else, but, you know...

01:27:35.000 Did you talk to Joe about your drums and all that stuff?

01:27:38.000 I brought up the drums on the last podcast.

01:27:39.000 Yeah, you never saw him play?

01:27:40.000 No, I've never seen him play.

01:27:42.000 Yeah, we're going to have him do a podcast sometime, like maybe play some songs or something.

01:27:46.000 No, no, but he'll be on the special.

01:27:48.000 He's going to do a huge thing on the drums, because...

01:27:50.000 He's like untouchable.

01:27:52.000 Dice, if you had a podcast, Dice's view on the world, I would subscribe to it.

01:27:57.000 I guarantee you millions of people.

01:27:58.000 You'd probably have the number one podcast in the country.

01:28:00.000 I would tell people immediately, go get it.

01:28:03.000 I don't know if I get the discipline to do this.

01:28:05.000 It's not hard.

01:28:05.000 It's fucking easy.

01:28:06.000 No, you do it whenever you want to.

01:28:07.000 You smoke a cigarette, you drink a cup of coffee, you just start talking shit about Chris Brown.

01:28:11.000 It's that simple.

01:28:12.000 It's that simple.

01:28:13.000 You press record.

01:28:14.000 You can have an engineer come to your house.

01:28:16.000 Yeah, Max always tells me.

01:28:16.000 You know what?

01:28:17.000 I should start the podcast and then just have my dad on.

01:28:19.000 Listen, how about you two guys do a podcast together?

01:28:22.000 Brian will produce it and he'll put it out for you.

01:28:25.000 Yeah.

01:28:25.000 Just come here once, twice a week.

01:28:27.000 Easy peasy.

01:28:28.000 Once every two weeks.

01:28:29.000 Easy peasy.

01:28:29.000 What do you do on the road, though?

01:28:31.000 Well, on the road, I don't do anything.

01:28:32.000 I just promote my gigs, though.

01:28:34.000 I don't do radio anymore.

01:28:35.000 I only do radio when they're my friend's radio shows.

01:28:37.000 How do people know when you're going to be on?

01:28:39.000 On the podcast?

01:28:41.000 Well, the podcast is at least two or three times a week we do it.

01:28:44.000 We put it out on Twitter.

01:28:46.000 We tell people in advance, you know, hey, Monday is going to be Chael Sonnen.

01:28:50.000 Tuesday is going to be Michael Rupert.

01:28:51.000 That's the schedule for next week.

01:28:53.000 And if they miss it, they can download it on iTunes.

01:28:55.000 And one of the things I was thinking that you should do, because I know that Ford Fairlane doesn't have a DVD commentary, and it would be really funny if you just did a podcast watching Ford Fairlane so people at home could hit start at the same time, and you're just talking about the movie.

01:29:07.000 And I think that would be one of the best things ever.

01:29:09.000 They asked me to do it.

01:29:10.000 I wouldn't do the commentary for it.

01:29:11.000 What if you did it, though?

01:29:13.000 No, but I'm sorry.

01:29:13.000 Why?

01:29:14.000 Because this was a movie that could have gone through the roof and they pulled it in a week.

01:29:19.000 And it was doing big numbers.

01:29:21.000 And because of what happened with Fox, 20th Century Fox put it out.

01:29:26.000 They played the movie for a week.

01:29:28.000 I had to go see it on Hollywood Boulevard.

01:29:30.000 That's how I saw Ford Fairlane.

01:29:31.000 So it was doing really well, and they pulled it just to punish you?

01:29:35.000 Yeah, at that time, you got to understand, this thing came out in 1990. So, you know, an opening weekend for that movie today would be like, you know, $45 million.

01:29:44.000 You know, back then, it was like an $18 million opening weekend because, you know, the price it cost to go into a movie theater.

01:29:52.000 And it got this big hit even though they didn't do the premiere.

01:29:56.000 And then they pulled it in a week.

01:29:58.000 And what happened with that movie is then they added all around the world.

01:30:02.000 So they made a ton of money with it.

01:30:04.000 Then at that time there were no DVDs.

01:30:06.000 It was just tapes.

01:30:07.000 It was just videotapes.

01:30:09.000 And the month that it came out...

01:30:11.000 You know how years ago it was like $2 to rent the tape?

01:30:15.000 But if you kept the tape it was like $100?

01:30:18.000 Right.

01:30:19.000 The first month it came out, they sold at the $100 price, 400,000 units.

01:30:25.000 Wow.

01:30:26.000 So it was like by the time they called me years later to do commentary, I was like, you know what?

01:30:32.000 You pulled my movie out of the theaters.

01:30:33.000 Why would I do commentary about it?

01:30:36.000 You know what I mean?

01:30:36.000 I didn't care anymore.

01:30:37.000 Yeah.

01:30:38.000 No, I can see it from that point of view.

01:30:39.000 But from the fans' point of view, people would love it, especially if you did it for yourself instead of doing it for them.

01:30:43.000 We still talk about a sequel to it because it has the audience.

01:30:47.000 It always had the audience.

01:30:48.000 If you do a podcast, I guarantee you, how many people would watch that fucking thing with you watching Ford Fairlane?

01:30:55.000 You'll give me all your information.

01:30:57.000 Would you be able to play, legally play Ford Fairlane and talk over it?

01:31:01.000 You don't even have to.

01:31:02.000 You just...

01:31:02.000 What you do is you watch it at home and you just have it in the background playing.

01:31:06.000 So you're watching the movie at home.

01:31:08.000 Oh, I see.

01:31:08.000 So you get people to press play and watch the movie at the same time.

01:31:12.000 Absolutely.

01:31:12.000 So they have his commentary on the laptop or something.

01:31:14.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:31:15.000 Absolutely.

01:31:16.000 That's ultra crap.

01:31:16.000 I'll tell you one thing.

01:31:17.000 I had a blast.

01:31:18.000 We've done it.

01:31:19.000 We do it with the UFC drunk cast all the time.

01:31:20.000 Oh, that's right.

01:31:21.000 Yeah, I had a blast doing that movie, I'll tell you that much.

01:31:24.000 That was a fun movie to do.

01:31:25.000 Hey, by the way, Brian, before I say anything, there's a UFC coming up soon, and we should do that.

01:31:29.000 Yeah.

01:31:29.000 Because I'm not doing it.

01:31:30.000 It's one of those FX shows.

01:31:31.000 Let's do a drug cast.

01:31:32.000 Oh, the Australia one?

01:31:33.000 No, it's not Australia.

01:31:35.000 Let me find out what the card is.

01:31:36.000 I think it's soon.

01:31:38.000 I think it's like Tuesday.

01:31:39.000 Let's do it.

01:31:40.000 I think it's next Tuesday.

01:31:41.000 In high school, that was my favorite movie ever, and I had your poster for the movie above my bed because I used to work at a movie theater, and one of my favorite shit was just the ridiculousness of it.

01:31:52.000 When you fell off the building, you're like, my hair, my hair.

01:31:55.000 This silly shit.

01:31:56.000 I would quote you most of my life.

01:31:59.000 You know what?

01:31:59.000 They let me do my thing in the movie.

01:32:01.000 It was a fun movie to do.

01:32:02.000 I thought it was a great movie.

01:32:04.000 But with everything surrounding it, it wasn't fun.

01:32:08.000 Yeah.

01:32:08.000 You know, even like, you know, they had me go on a Saturday Night Live before the movie came out.

01:32:15.000 And, you know, everybody was walking off the show.

01:32:18.000 You know, I don't even want to say the stupid girl's name.

01:32:21.000 And, you know, it just started, like, nothing I got to do was a pleasant experience.

01:32:27.000 You know, so, you know, but that was then.

01:32:30.000 You know, and the beauty of being around today and still doing what I do is that I survived all that stuff.

01:32:37.000 Because a lot of people would have folded.

01:32:39.000 I don't fold for anything.

01:32:40.000 I always just keep going.

01:32:42.000 And I always find a way back one way or another.

01:32:45.000 When we were talking about the period where you had nothing going on until Entourage put you back on again, did you try some stuff that didn't work?

01:32:53.000 What were you doing back then?

01:32:55.000 I did a reality show about seven years ago.

01:32:58.000 And, you know, with all these tapes, you know, these producers at Fox TV, they saw my tapes and they said, this is a show.

01:33:08.000 You know, so they sold it to VH1. And the way I would film myself is that it could be cut together.

01:33:16.000 And they got picked up for seven shows.

01:33:19.000 And I said, why don't you guys just take these tapes and cut it together?

01:33:23.000 But they had a budget.

01:33:25.000 It was like they got like 315 grand an episode.

01:33:29.000 And I said, all you need is editors.

01:33:32.000 You know, and I'll do some voiceover.

01:33:33.000 I go, you have the show.

01:33:35.000 I have filmed my life.

01:33:36.000 You know, I was filming, which you saw me do.

01:33:39.000 Yeah, all the time.

01:33:40.000 You know, and they go, no, we have ideas.

01:33:42.000 And as they're shooting these ideas, even my kids were like, what are they doing?

01:33:47.000 And they came over with this episode, a rough cut of what they called the image episode.

01:33:52.000 And, you know, they put like a grill in my mouth and dressed me like a rapper.

01:33:57.000 And I hated it.

01:33:58.000 You know, I hated it.

01:33:59.000 And I forgot if it was either Max or Dylan that looked at the producers and said, if you were doing a show with Axl Rose, wouldn't you just let him be Axl?

01:34:09.000 Yeah.

01:34:09.000 So why don't you just let Dice be Dice instead of making up all this bullshit?

01:34:14.000 I just remembered you were in Foolish.

01:34:16.000 Oh, that's right.

01:34:17.000 Yeah.

01:34:19.000 That's right.

01:34:19.000 One of my favorite crazy Eddie Griffin movies.

01:34:23.000 Eddie Griffin in full prime crazy form.

01:34:26.000 He played a comic named Foolish Ways.

01:34:29.000 You were like the club owner, right?

01:34:31.000 Eddie Griffin, man.

01:34:33.000 There was a kid who had some fucking talent.

01:34:35.000 There was moments where that kid would be on stage just crushing.

01:34:38.000 I thought Eddie Griffin at one point in time was going to be one of the biggest acts ever in the country.

01:34:43.000 Eddie Griffin, I sort of found Eddie.

01:34:47.000 You found him?

01:34:48.000 Well, what happened was I was at the comedy store one night and he walks over to me and he goes, I'm going to open for you one day.

01:34:56.000 And, you know, we talked for two minutes and then a couple weeks later I was getting ready to go on tour and I already had opening acts.

01:35:04.000 And Eddie was on stage and he had like, you know, 2% material.

01:35:10.000 But what he had, he was exciting to watch.

01:35:13.000 You know what I mean?

01:35:15.000 So he came on stage and I said, you know, come over here, you know.

01:35:19.000 I said, you know what, I saw you on stage tonight.

01:35:22.000 And I said, you really do have that potential.

01:35:24.000 You're going to be great.

01:35:25.000 I said, so why don't you go pack your bags and we leave in the morning.

01:35:29.000 It was the Dice Rules Tour.

01:35:31.000 And the next thing you know, we're in Philadelphia.

01:35:35.000 I was going to do, I think, two nights at the Spectrum.

01:35:38.000 And I see Eddie doesn't have a coat, no socks, and there's snow on the ground.

01:35:43.000 I go, where's all your stuff?

01:35:45.000 He goes, I don't have anything.

01:35:48.000 So, next thing you know, we're on a shopping spree, and he gives me the nickname Uncle Dice to this day, you know, because I just saw him in Vegas last week.

01:35:57.000 Wow.

01:35:57.000 And, yeah, I bought him all these clothes, and he did a lot of that tour with me.

01:36:01.000 Was he in the movie?

01:36:03.000 He was in Dice Rules.

01:36:04.000 Yeah, he was, right?

01:36:05.000 He played a scene in Dice Rules, and he was great.

01:36:07.000 That's right.

01:36:07.000 You know, he had to do this take where he's yelling at me in a gas station.

01:36:11.000 I was like doing, you know, before I turned into Dice, I'm doing like my own version of like a nerd.

01:36:16.000 But I was really doing my impersonation of Max, who was a baby at the time, you know.

01:36:22.000 And, you know, Eddie Griffin screaming at me in a...

01:36:26.000 In a gas station, he rips off the windshield wiper.

01:36:30.000 He's going, motherfuckers like you are just taking him away from a black man.

01:36:34.000 And I'm sitting there going, you know, and he goes, say what, motherfucker?

01:36:39.000 And then he gets in the car and he's screaming at me.

01:36:41.000 He was great.

01:36:42.000 He was great in Deuce Bigelow.

01:36:44.000 Did you see him in Deuce Bigelow?

01:36:45.000 He can act his fucking ass off.

01:36:47.000 Eddie's got a lot of talent.

01:36:48.000 A lot of talent.

01:36:49.000 A lot of crazy.

01:36:50.000 A lot of talent.

01:36:51.000 But he'll admit to that.

01:36:52.000 Yeah.

01:36:52.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:53.000 Yeah.

01:36:53.000 It's why it's fun to be around.

01:36:55.000 Yeah.

01:36:55.000 He's a great guy.

01:36:56.000 Yeah.

01:36:57.000 But, you know, he is a great talent.

01:37:00.000 Yeah.

01:37:00.000 And, you know, at that time, he'd come on stage twirling a baton with a big top hat, you know, making the crowd going, hey, motherfucker, hey, motherfucker, hey.

01:37:12.000 And then he didn't know what he was going to do once the music stopped.

01:37:15.000 Ah!

01:37:15.000 But he had a couple bits, and he would kill the crowd.

01:37:18.000 He did great.

01:37:19.000 He's a great performer.

01:37:20.000 I remember his first special that he did, I think he did an HBO half hour, and he had shorts on.

01:37:27.000 Yeah, that's what he would do to Michael Jackson and Prince and guys like that.

01:37:31.000 Was it a half an hour?

01:37:33.000 I don't know if that was a half hour.

01:37:35.000 You're talking about the one where he was wearing the big yellow shorts.

01:37:38.000 Yes, yes, yes.

01:37:39.000 That was good.

01:37:40.000 I was fucking strong.

01:37:41.000 Fucking strong.

01:37:42.000 And then I did try to train him for another special, like a one-hour HBO thing, and he didn't listen.

01:37:51.000 You know what I mean?

01:37:52.000 Because I said, first we trained physically, then we trained mentally.

01:37:55.000 Oh, you wanted to work out with him?

01:37:57.000 Yeah.

01:37:57.000 So he went up this mountain with me, and he goes, all right, after the mountain, we're going to go to the gym.

01:38:04.000 And then halfway up the mountain, he's like, Fuck this!

01:38:08.000 And then the next day when I'm calling him, you know, he's not even returning the calls.

01:38:12.000 There he is right there.

01:38:15.000 He's a hell of a fuck.

01:38:16.000 Can they hear him?

01:38:16.000 Nah.

01:38:17.000 He can make it here.

01:38:19.000 Had the balls to do it yesterday.

01:38:22.000 And the news camera couldn't shut the shit off quick enough.

01:38:25.000 You could see what the motherfucker was thinking.

01:38:29.000 His brains hit the ground.

01:38:30.000 I said, look at him.

01:38:31.000 He was thinking about killing himself.

01:38:35.000 You dead, dumb motherfucker.

01:38:38.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:38:39.000 But only white people do silly shit like that.

01:38:46.000 I like how you got the cameraman in the background.

01:38:48.000 Great job, director.

01:38:49.000 You fuckhead.

01:38:50.000 You're fired.

01:38:51.000 What a stupid shot.

01:38:53.000 That's the stupidest shot I've ever seen in a comedy special.

01:38:56.000 Talk about a shot that brings you away from the special.

01:38:59.000 See a guy with a fucking head sitting on a camera behind him.

01:39:02.000 That's so stupid.

01:39:03.000 Did they have a shot of the audience they could have used there?

01:39:09.000 Look at what's making you mad today.

01:39:15.000 This is the first moment of you getting heated up.

01:39:18.000 You want to hurt that camera guy.

01:39:20.000 I want to hurt him.

01:39:21.000 I want to talk to the director.

01:39:23.000 Did you see the new Avengers movie, Joe?

01:39:25.000 Did you like the Hulk?

01:39:26.000 It was fucking amazing.

01:39:28.000 When the Hulk grabs that guy and smashes him into the ground.

01:39:32.000 It doesn't matter.

01:39:34.000 I won't say anymore, but it's fucking tremendous.

01:39:37.000 The Hulk is amazing.

01:39:39.000 Man, they gotta do a new Hulk movie.

01:39:41.000 And what's the guy's name that plays the Hulk?

01:39:43.000 What's the actor's name?

01:39:43.000 I don't know his name.

01:39:45.000 I still can't get past how friendly your audiences are.

01:39:49.000 Oh, they're the nicest audiences ever.

01:39:51.000 They're super friendly.

01:39:51.000 And you're an animal up there.

01:39:53.000 You go berserk.

01:39:53.000 But I'm a nice guy still.

01:39:55.000 I know you're a nice guy, but when you're doing your stage thing, I've seen it enough times to know.

01:40:01.000 Because my audience is the most aggressive audience I've ever seen from anybody ever.

01:40:07.000 Like mean?

01:40:08.000 I'm not even talking about comics.

01:40:10.000 I'm talking even rock shows.

01:40:12.000 Yeah, they're there to go nuts.

01:40:17.000 They're there to go crazy.

01:40:18.000 That's why it's about controlling the crowd, half of it.

01:40:21.000 My dad's audience is the only audience that ever heckles me.

01:40:25.000 I never get heckled anywhere.

01:40:28.000 People are always cool.

01:40:29.000 Whenever I open for my dad, I know I have to do a dirtier set.

01:40:33.000 And he has to attack them.

01:40:35.000 A more hardcore set.

01:40:37.000 They're hardcore.

01:40:38.000 Just out of respect.

01:40:39.000 The actor's name is Mark Ruffalo.

01:40:41.000 That's the guy who plays the Hulk.

01:40:43.000 Fucking tremendous actor.

01:40:45.000 Yeah, I would imagine you have pretty aggressive crowds.

01:40:47.000 Well, it's in events.

01:40:48.000 Going to see a dice show is not just going to see a regular comedy show.

01:40:51.000 Like, the testosterone in the room must be pretty intense.

01:40:54.000 It's insanity.

01:40:55.000 It's like he's leading an angry mob of people.

01:40:57.000 It's not even, like, about laughter.

01:40:58.000 Tell us in the bowl, bitch!

01:41:02.000 Tell him I was playing this set for him because like I said, I'm going around the country testing everything and I was playing this set for him.

01:41:10.000 I just did the Bergen Center in Jersey and so we sat down late at night to listen to the set for a few minutes and we shut it off and Max goes, now I know why the government and everybody else had a problem with you.

01:41:24.000 He goes, it sounds like this angry mob cheering you on.

01:41:30.000 And it would be scary to government, you know, because of what he's saying and the way they're reacting to it.

01:41:37.000 That's why government officials could be like, I don't know with this.

01:41:40.000 And it's the dumbest shit I could think of.

01:41:43.000 I mean, some of it, there is no thought that goes into it.

01:41:48.000 As far as, you know, certain bits, like I don't do my homework.

01:41:53.000 I just want to do the bit in the funniest way I can.

01:41:56.000 I don't care if it's got any kind of truth to it sometimes.

01:42:01.000 You know, it's just got to be...

01:42:03.000 There are certain bits that are truthful, but certain bits I'm doing just to affect them and make them laugh their balls off, that when I see a guy banging his fists on the stage and his head's laying on the stage that he can't laugh anymore...

01:42:18.000 I know I'm doing my job.

01:42:21.000 That's how I look at that.

01:42:22.000 And I come off and I go, did you see them?

01:42:26.000 And as great as the crowds might be in Vegas, it's the road crowds that are really insane because Vegas, there's a lot of things that come into it from gambling to drinking to fighting with your wife over losing the money.

01:42:41.000 There's a lot of that in Vegas, right?

01:42:43.000 Vegas is tense.

01:42:44.000 But when you come to a concert on the road, they're coming just for that.

01:42:48.000 So I could really drive them.

01:42:50.000 I want them to leave there going, I've never seen anything like that or witnessed that.

01:42:54.000 And the crowd is half of it.

01:42:56.000 You know, when I do this thing about, you know, that I've been doing for years where...

01:43:02.000 Where I pick on a guy in the crowd and then I turn it around and go, but look what we've been through.

01:43:09.000 Now me and you are fucking friends, right?

01:43:11.000 You're the fucking best.

01:43:12.000 I want to take my glass.

01:43:14.000 I want to toast you.

01:43:15.000 I go, no, I want everybody to raise their glasses to this guy.

01:43:18.000 And then Max goes, you should make them get up.

01:43:22.000 So I'm in Vegas last time.

01:43:24.000 So I go, forget about raising.

01:43:26.000 Everybody, get the fuck up.

01:43:28.000 You know, get up for this man.

01:43:30.000 Some just guy sitting there.

01:43:32.000 And I go, so I want to say to you right now, here's to you.

01:43:36.000 And then everybody go, suck in my dick.

01:43:41.000 Oh!

01:43:42.000 You know, it's just the most ridiculous stuff, you know, and it's just so enjoyable for me because I go, they've gotten to leave their life for an hour, you know, because, you know, I might say, you know, I hate going up there some nights, but once I'm out there, I just, that's my freedom to just go nuts, you You know, I'll even tell the crowd, like, you know why I'm up here right now?

01:44:07.000 Because sometimes I get into a fight with Eleanor on the stage.

01:44:10.000 I go, because she just went to tell my wife what happened here.

01:44:14.000 And when I come off this stage, they're both going to let me fucking have it.

01:44:17.000 So I'm just going to hang out here with you for a little more.

01:44:20.000 You know what I mean?

01:44:21.000 I used to sit in the back of the comedy store where that back porch is.

01:44:26.000 You know, there's the steps where Joey Diaz always just smokes cigarettes.

01:44:30.000 The steps are where the belly room is.

01:44:32.000 And we could be back there and Dice would be on stage.

01:44:35.000 Your dad would be on stage.

01:44:37.000 And all of a sudden we would just hear screaming.

01:44:40.000 Just screaming.

01:44:42.000 You fucking dummy!

01:44:44.000 You dumb fucking dummy!

01:44:47.000 Dumb...

01:44:47.000 And we would go, uh-oh, mean dice is up, mean dice is up.

01:44:50.000 And we would run in the back, dice mean in the back, and we would sit and watch you torture people.

01:44:55.000 You've had some of the funniest brutalizations of people I've ever seen.

01:45:00.000 There's a bunch of people dealing with hecklers that are on the internet.

01:45:04.000 I don't think there's any of you.

01:45:06.000 Are there any of you?

01:45:07.000 Of those comedy store sets?

01:45:09.000 I don't know.

01:45:10.000 I don't even know.

01:45:13.000 So, last summer in Vegas, you know, obviously Max is single and he's out there looking for girls.

01:45:20.000 Can we tell him a little of the story?

01:45:23.000 Sure, yeah.

01:45:24.000 Well, I'll start it.

01:45:25.000 You can finish it.

01:45:27.000 So this is...

01:45:28.000 I just want to preface this by saying the story I told last time that Ellis said the thing...

01:45:33.000 No, this is a...

01:45:33.000 This story blows that story away.

01:45:36.000 Okay.

01:45:37.000 That's how you're supposed to do it.

01:45:38.000 You learned well from your father.

01:45:39.000 It's so much better now.

01:45:40.000 Start strong and then build up.

01:45:41.000 Well, this is the thing.

01:45:43.000 So there's this girl in the front and she's a 10, you know, and she's alone.

01:45:48.000 A blonde girl, just, you know, 10 from head to toe, you know, with the big tits, a nice big fat ass, the right package.

01:45:56.000 So I'm talking to her, you know, about what she does.

01:46:01.000 She's a dominatrix.

01:46:03.000 The way she put it, she said she's in the fetish industry.

01:46:07.000 Yeah, she goes, I'm in the fetish world, you know.

01:46:09.000 And, you know, I go, how old is she?

01:46:11.000 She's only 21 years old, you know.

01:46:14.000 And, you know...

01:46:16.000 So I go, 21. I go, you like young guys?

01:46:19.000 She's going, yeah.

01:46:20.000 So now I'm out of the show, because now it's all about getting Max hooked up.

01:46:25.000 I'm going, Max, I think I got one for you here.

01:46:28.000 So the next thing you know, here comes Max with the girl after the show backstage to get the picture.

01:46:34.000 Well, I'm off the stage when he's talking to her.

01:46:37.000 I don't know what she looks like.

01:46:39.000 All I know is he's going, you know, I have a son.

01:46:41.000 You should meet him.

01:46:42.000 I'm like...

01:46:42.000 Well, I didn't say I have a son.

01:46:43.000 I go, he was up here.

01:46:44.000 You know, he was up here, you know, a half hour ago, whatever.

01:46:46.000 So I'm like, I got to meet this girl, but I don't know what she looks like.

01:46:50.000 So I run out to hang out near the t-shirt rack and, you know, meet this girl when everyone comes out.

01:46:56.000 And...

01:46:57.000 So I see this.

01:46:58.000 She's literally the last person out of the place.

01:47:01.000 Because she was right in the front row.

01:47:02.000 Yeah, she went to the bathroom or something.

01:47:04.000 She's the last person.

01:47:05.000 Eleanor.

01:47:06.000 You know Eleanor.

01:47:07.000 She brings the girl out to me.

01:47:09.000 And I'm like, hey, what's up?

01:47:11.000 Yeah, you know, I'm like, you remember I was on, he was talking about me.

01:47:17.000 I'm like, alright, you want to get a drink or whatever?

01:47:20.000 You should write cards.

01:47:21.000 First it was, I want to get a picture.

01:47:25.000 So he comes back.

01:47:26.000 But what's funny is, you've got to tell Joe what you tell people that want to meet me.

01:47:31.000 Because he's always out there after the show with my wife and Eleanor.

01:47:34.000 How you tell them...

01:47:36.000 Like you're not great socially.

01:47:39.000 I always kind of have to let people know before...

01:47:41.000 Because I don't like meeting people.

01:47:43.000 No, I don't.

01:47:44.000 I'm not good with it.

01:47:45.000 No, and the reason is because a lot of these guys will come backstage and they'll try to put me in a headlock.

01:47:52.000 And I get physical about it.

01:47:55.000 I'm not going to lie to you.

01:47:56.000 And it's not about being tough or anything.

01:47:58.000 Are they trying to put you in headlocks?

01:47:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:47:59.000 There was this one guy.

01:48:00.000 This was a couple months ago.

01:48:03.000 I thought I was going to break his arm when he did that because I just react.

01:48:06.000 I don't say, take your hands off me.

01:48:08.000 I react to it.

01:48:10.000 And a lot of these guys are a lot bigger than me.

01:48:12.000 But when I'm in that frame of mind, you don't see it.

01:48:15.000 It's like, don't fucking put your hands on me because I'll break your shoulder.

01:48:19.000 So he knows not to bring people back to me because I hate people.

01:48:25.000 99% of people, we just tell them that...

01:48:28.000 He left.

01:48:29.000 But they ask him, like, why can't I meet him?

01:48:33.000 I just can't take you back there because he's just not great socially.

01:48:39.000 I try to let them know, like, you're not going to get the experience that you want.

01:48:45.000 Like, it's awesome to watch the show, but if you meet him, you're probably going to, I don't know, you're not going to be too happy.

01:48:50.000 One of my favorite things you did, I don't know if you want to talk about this, but one of my favorite things you did is you started taking less and less shirts with you when you would go to shows.

01:48:57.000 Oh yeah, I heard about this.

01:48:59.000 What do you mean?

01:48:59.000 We use shirts.

01:49:00.000 Oh, the ones we sell?

01:49:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:49:02.000 Oh, well that was...

01:49:03.000 You would take less every time.

01:49:05.000 We would do auctions.

01:49:06.000 Yeah, what I decided is, what do I got to bring 100 shirts when I could bring 10?

01:49:12.000 Mike Black was the opener back then and my kids were with me on the road.

01:49:16.000 So Mike Black was the barker, the auctioneer.

01:49:21.000 And we would sell the shirts.

01:49:23.000 He would start like at $150.

01:49:26.000 And we were selling shirts for anywhere from $150 to $500 a shirt.

01:49:33.000 And of course with that I would take a picture and sign the shirt, whatever.

01:49:39.000 But what was funny is my son Dylan at the time was 12 and he's taking the money and making the change with Max who was 15. And that was my crew.

01:49:52.000 Mike Black and these two little kids wearing die shirts.

01:49:56.000 That's hilarious.

01:49:57.000 So from the time you were like 11 you were watching them do stand-up?

01:50:01.000 I wouldn't really...

01:50:02.000 Okay, well the first time I ever really saw my dad do stand-up was in 2000 when I was 10 because my dad went back to Madison Square Garden.

01:50:11.000 I gotta tell you this story.

01:50:13.000 There's a lot of good stories.

01:50:15.000 Is there an ending on this?

01:50:17.000 No, whenever we want.

01:50:21.000 That's a problem in a lot of shows, right?

01:50:24.000 You worry about running out of time.

01:50:25.000 Well, I also want to keep it interesting for you.

01:50:27.000 This is a great show.

01:50:28.000 This is very interesting.

01:50:30.000 So, you know, since my kids were born, I always thought about, like, how do I explain what I do as their father?

01:50:40.000 You know, and plus, they can't really see it.

01:50:43.000 You know, so from an early age, like, I groomed them into the business, like, understanding, you know, what I do and sort of how big it was, but it's not that big of a deal to me because I'm daddy.

01:50:57.000 You know what I mean?

01:50:57.000 When they were kids.

01:50:58.000 Right.

01:50:59.000 So now, Max was 10 and Dylan was 6. And at that time, this was the year 2000, and I had nothing going on.

01:51:09.000 I didn't have any TV shows or specials.

01:51:14.000 So...

01:51:16.000 I decided...

01:51:17.000 I started doing...

01:51:18.000 Opie and Anthony were on in the afternoons.

01:51:23.000 And at that time, I was in a war with Howard Stern.

01:51:26.000 We weren't talking.

01:51:27.000 And they were the same network.

01:51:31.000 So I didn't give a fuck.

01:51:33.000 I would go on their show.

01:51:35.000 And they were pretty new at it.

01:51:37.000 And the audience started building pretty rapidly between them and me.

01:51:42.000 And I would call in three days a week.

01:51:44.000 Or if I was in New York, I'd go in.

01:51:46.000 And there was always drama.

01:51:48.000 I had like this huge fucking thing happen with Jay Moore that he was calling.

01:51:53.000 You too?

01:51:54.000 Yeah, but I don't want to go...

01:51:56.000 Is there a fucking single comic that hasn't had a problem with that?

01:51:59.000 That's what I'm saying, Joe.

01:52:00.000 It was a simple thing.

01:52:02.000 Don't make me go into that, but it was a simple thing that he could have said he was sorry.

01:52:06.000 I haven't had a problem with him.

01:52:07.000 But he wanted to be a tough guy over the air, and I was in L.A. Really?

01:52:12.000 And he goes, Hey, Dice, I'm not afraid of you.

01:52:15.000 What happened is he went on Letterman and did a very close thing of Pacino to mine.

01:52:20.000 So when we were on the air, I said, you know, Jay, I go, you did my Pacino thing on Letterman.

01:52:25.000 And he started in rather than go, well, you know, it was like, no, it wasn't Letterman, it was Conan.

01:52:31.000 And I said, well, that's my thing.

01:52:33.000 You know what I mean?

01:52:34.000 It's my bit.

01:52:35.000 And...

01:52:36.000 And he got, I forgot how it got out of control, but then he got into like the tug.

01:52:42.000 You know, I'm from Jersey.

01:52:43.000 You know, I'm not afraid of you.

01:52:45.000 I go, okay.

01:52:46.000 You're doing a little bit of Jay Moore impression.

01:52:48.000 You got a little bit of a Jay Moore impression.

01:52:50.000 Do I when I do it?

01:52:51.000 Yeah, you did.

01:52:51.000 That was pretty good.

01:52:51.000 Well, it was a huge fight because...

01:52:54.000 How did he say it?

01:52:55.000 Like, what did he say to you?

01:52:56.000 Well, now I'm thinking about it, but he goes, well, I'm not afraid of you.

01:52:59.000 You know, I'm from Jersey.

01:53:00.000 And I go, look, Jay, you know, it's not about that.

01:53:04.000 It's about being tough, and I'm really fucking tough.

01:53:06.000 Okay?

01:53:07.000 I go, there aren't too many guys that scare me.

01:53:10.000 Where you're from.

01:53:11.000 Where are you from?

01:53:12.000 But you gotta understand, you know, I was put in the hospital a bunch of times when I was a kid.

01:53:16.000 I've had my nose busted, my head split open, my face split open.

01:53:21.000 You know, so I know what it is to lose.

01:53:24.000 Like, when you lost your first fight, you weren't afraid to fight again because you know what it is to get hit.

01:53:29.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:30.000 So the last person on earth that's going to frighten me is a guy with a beige sweater and his sleeves rolled up, Jay Moore.

01:53:38.000 It doesn't scare me at all.

01:53:40.000 But if you're going to tell me in front of millions of people you're not afraid of me, well now you've got a problem you're not going to be able to fucking handle.

01:53:48.000 So, I told him over the air, remember you telling me this, because now when you get back to LA, you better come to find me at the Comedy Store, because if I gotta come and look for you, it's gonna be even fucking worse.

01:54:01.000 I'm warning you.

01:54:03.000 So, what happens is, after I get off the air, Ralph E. May calls me, because he had my phone number.

01:54:09.000 And he goes, you know, Jay was just fucking around.

01:54:12.000 I go, you're not involved in this.

01:54:14.000 I go, the guy opened his mouth.

01:54:16.000 He didn't fucking apologize to me.

01:54:18.000 I go, and now, you know, he's going to have a problem.

01:54:21.000 If he don't come look for me, I'll look for him.

01:54:23.000 It's that simple.

01:54:24.000 That his wife even called me.

01:54:27.000 All of a sudden, I get a call from a detective.

01:54:30.000 I thought it was a joke.

01:54:31.000 It was at night.

01:54:32.000 Is this Andrew Clay, this and that?

01:54:34.000 And I go, yeah.

01:54:35.000 He goes, well, uh...

01:54:37.000 I'm actually a fan of yours.

01:54:38.000 I can't believe I'm calling you, but we had a complaint.

01:54:42.000 And he went to the police station with his wife at the time.

01:54:46.000 And the cop was even telling me, it felt more like a domestic dispute than anything else.

01:54:52.000 And I said, we're having a radio fight.

01:54:55.000 We were arguing on the Opie and Anthony show.

01:55:00.000 And we wound up making up, whatever.

01:55:02.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

01:55:04.000 He went to the fucking police and filed a domestic dispute.

01:55:09.000 Yeah, that was between him and his wife.

01:55:12.000 What happened, he made a Jew reference to me, and that's when I snapped out on the radio, and even the New York Post wrote it.

01:55:22.000 It was one of the only times I got protected.

01:55:26.000 They wrote up what he said that was very wrong.

01:55:30.000 How hilarious is the fucking news?

01:55:33.000 Jay Moore said a Jew joke!

01:55:36.000 But you're getting me off what happened with the garden.

01:55:39.000 But it's a beautiful story.

01:55:41.000 But at that time, I was back to clubs.

01:55:45.000 My agents knew that.

01:55:47.000 So I decided that instead of telling my kids about my history, I want to show them one.

01:55:56.000 I want to do an arena that I knew they were young, but at least they would have that picture in their head.

01:56:02.000 Something in years to come, that's how I really looked at it, would click in their minds that they didn't just hear about their father, they got to see it, you know, in that big of a place.

01:56:13.000 So I decided to do an album.

01:56:16.000 I put the album out.

01:56:17.000 The first day it's out, my agent calls me up and he goes, what do you think the move is?

01:56:22.000 And I go, I say, you should book the garden.

01:56:26.000 And he goes, book the garden?

01:56:27.000 He goes, last time you did Westbury, you did half a house.

01:56:31.000 Now I'll explain to the people listening the difference.

01:56:34.000 Westbury sold out is about 3,000 seats.

01:56:37.000 So if I did half a house, 1,500 seats.

01:56:40.000 So why would I be thinking I could be at Madison Square Garden now?

01:56:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:56:46.000 Because I hadn't done arenas in a bunch of years.

01:56:49.000 So I go, I'm telling you, Dennis, I've been doing this radio show, you know, in New York, Opie and Anthony.

01:56:56.000 He goes, so based off a radio show you're doing, you think you're selling the garden?

01:57:01.000 He goes, why don't we do the Beacon Theater?

01:57:04.000 I go, I'll sell the Beacon in 20 minutes, which the Beacon's like 3,500 seats.

01:57:09.000 He goes, well, if you sell it in 20 minutes, we could always move it to the garden.

01:57:13.000 He didn't think in any way possible that I'm going to sell the beacon in 20 minutes.

01:57:19.000 Bottom line, I'm telling you the story short.

01:57:21.000 I sell the beacon out in 35 minutes.

01:57:24.000 So my agent calls me up and he goes, I don't get it.

01:57:28.000 But obviously that's something you know and I don't.

01:57:31.000 So Ron Delzner, who did my first arena with me, he's a very famous promoter.

01:57:36.000 He works under the umbrella now of Live Nation.

01:57:39.000 He said the same thing to my agent.

01:57:42.000 He goes, obviously Dice knows something we don't.

01:57:45.000 So they put 10,000 seats on sale at The Garden.

01:57:49.000 Okay, the first day we do 7,000 seats, which, if I didn't have to do the beacon, the beacon was on the 20th of October, 2000, and the garden was now going to be on the 26th, not even a week later.

01:58:01.000 Holy shit!

01:58:02.000 So I sell 7,000 seats, and now the ticket sales slow down because the Subway Series was announced, the Yankees and the Mets.

01:58:11.000 So ticket sales slow down, but the bottom line of what happened is the day of the garden, I get a call.

01:58:19.000 The reason I even stopped doing arenas, I would get claustrophobic from the whole thing being sold and people around me, so I couldn't take anymore.

01:58:27.000 So I get a call from my agent knowing if Delsner could open up the back.

01:58:32.000 Which was incredible because it was going to be the last night of the World Series, the Yankees playing the Mets.

01:58:39.000 And we did 13,000 people at the Garden that night.

01:58:43.000 Max was allowed to watch as much of the show as he knew when I would start getting too filthy, leave that part of the arena, and then come back in when it's not that bad.

01:58:56.000 laughter You know what I mean?

01:58:57.000 You know, because it's not like...

01:58:59.000 And you were 11, Max?

01:58:59.000 I was like 10. He was 10 years old.

01:59:01.000 What was the feeling that you had when you watched your dad go up there in front of 13,000 screaming animals?

01:59:07.000 What was that like?

01:59:08.000 When you realized...

01:59:10.000 I mean, what was the realization?

01:59:12.000 Well, I guess the way I thought about it at that time...

01:59:16.000 I just thought it was really cool.

01:59:19.000 You know, I was just 10 years old and the language didn't really faze me because even at that age I knew it was just a joke because my dad was never like that with me when he was offstage.

01:59:29.000 I just knew, alright, when my dad goes onstage he's like that.

01:59:33.000 When he comes off he's somewhat normal, you know?

01:59:36.000 Yeah.

01:59:37.000 I just saw it as a 10-year-old kid just thinking, whoa, that's just so cool that my dad is doing that and that there's all these people here.

01:59:46.000 I wasn't thinking in terms of, whoa, what this means to stand up and what my dad has done.

01:59:51.000 I didn't have that mindset at the time.

01:59:52.000 I just thought it was awesome.

01:59:54.000 Yeah, and my whole thing was, like I told you, I always teach my kids by example.

01:59:58.000 I wanted to show them that with hard work and with belief and with that drive that's built into you, that you could accomplish anything you want to accomplish.

02:00:11.000 That's always been what, you know, when I do certain things and people talk to me like, you made all these millions and then you lost it and went through a divorce and you gambled and you bought shit.

02:00:21.000 I go, it's never been about money to me.

02:00:24.000 I go, I could always make, yeah, I'm making money again now.

02:00:27.000 But the point is that, you know, it's what you do with your life, what you could accomplish with your life.

02:00:33.000 And I didn't really know starting out what it would become when I made it.

02:00:38.000 You know, you're never prepared for what fame brings.

02:00:41.000 But I knew, like even when I saw Rocky 1 with my father in Brooklyn, when I left that theater, I told my father, I was 16 years old, I said, I'm going to do that with my life.

02:00:52.000 And my father goes, what, you're going to become a boxer?

02:00:56.000 And I go, no, I have that thing in me where I could really accomplish with my own life.

02:01:02.000 I'm just not sure how I'm going to go about it yet.

02:01:05.000 And that's what it's always been for me.

02:01:09.000 It's always been like, reach your highest potential in what you do.

02:01:13.000 Give the very best and show people what you got to offer them and I always think of myself and I know my history you know and I know you know that that I mean I don't know who the guy will come around that you know I did the Rose Bowl with Guns N' Roses you know I did things like that you know it takes a certain person in my mind that God puts here at a certain time to do these different things And I always felt like I

02:01:43.000 was born when I was born to do exactly what I'm doing now.

02:01:47.000 And that's how it is for me.

02:01:50.000 I believe if you believe something like that, if you truly believe something like that, it's incredibly empowering and it becomes real.

02:01:56.000 It can become real.

02:01:57.000 When I used to come off at the Comedy Store at 2 in the morning, you know, when there's four people, and, you know, the asshole comic, whoever it would be, went, oh, it didn't go too good.

02:02:05.000 I'd look at that guy and go, I'm the biggest in the world.

02:02:08.000 They just don't know it yet.

02:02:10.000 And this is when I was a struggling comic, and that's what comics can handle with me.

02:02:15.000 It was the real part of who I am.

02:02:18.000 Forget about onstage, the jokes, everything, was this unbelievable confidence that I was given.

02:02:24.000 You know, and it's always been inside me.

02:02:27.000 Like, just a complete belief in I could conquer whatever I have to conquer.

02:02:32.000 That's completely different than most comedians.

02:02:34.000 Yeah, most comics.

02:02:35.000 If you think of comics years ago, I mean, you know, I'm no fag or anything, but you're a nice-looking guy.

02:02:41.000 I'm a nice-looking guy.

02:02:42.000 My son's a nice...

02:02:43.000 What I'm saying is comics years ago, think of what Buddy Hackett looked like.

02:02:47.000 That guy didn't walk around, look in the mirror and go, I could bang anything I want.

02:02:51.000 You know what I mean?

02:02:52.000 The comics were goofy looking fucking guys.

02:02:54.000 I think it comes to the point where you can't really define comedy.

02:02:57.000 It's either comedy or it's not comedy.

02:02:59.000 And there's a fucking billion different examples.

02:03:01.000 There's Mitch Hedberg, there's you, there's a million different versions of it.

02:03:04.000 And that's why I never understood why comics had no camaraderie between them because everybody's just an individual.

02:03:10.000 You know, everybody...

02:03:11.000 You know, there are guys that do prop comedy.

02:03:14.000 That's why I hate when guys pick on Carrot Top, because I go, guy could own fucking Las Vegas.

02:03:18.000 Okay?

02:03:19.000 He's cooking.

02:03:20.000 And he always seems like a nice guy.

02:03:22.000 He's one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet.

02:03:24.000 Yeah, Carrot Top seems real friendly.

02:03:26.000 I don't know what the fuck he's doing.

02:03:27.000 I did this fucking roast for Kiss, for Gene Simmons, and I'm downstairs waiting to go on, and Gene Simmons didn't even know I'm going to do the roast.

02:03:36.000 I came from the front doors, and...

02:03:39.000 And they're all picking on fucking Carrot Top.

02:03:41.000 And I came up to annihilate these fucking guys for doing that.

02:03:46.000 And when I got to Carrot Top, he thought I was going to destroy him.

02:03:50.000 And I said, and you're all sitting here and you're picking on fucking Carrot Top.

02:03:55.000 And he gave me like 20 calls after this because I was like, it was...

02:04:00.000 It was the bully effect.

02:04:01.000 They were bullying this guy.

02:04:03.000 And I was like, I could shred anyone.

02:04:05.000 This fucking guy that hosts the show, this ugly motherfucker.

02:04:09.000 Who was that?

02:04:11.000 Ross.

02:04:12.000 Jeff Ross?

02:04:12.000 Yeah, Jeff Ross.

02:04:13.000 This fucking little piece of cum that came from his dad's dick.

02:04:19.000 Whoa!

02:04:19.000 You know?

02:04:20.000 Well, no, the guy introduced, remember from the 80s, Andrew Dice Clay.

02:04:24.000 That's what he said?

02:04:25.000 That's how he introduced you?

02:04:26.000 No respect.

02:04:27.000 Well, that's what I'm saying.

02:04:29.000 It's like, to this day, who the fuck even knows him?

02:04:32.000 You know, he's just this little fucking roly-poly cocksucker that couldn't fucking lick the fucking dirt from under my toenails.

02:04:41.000 You know what I mean?

02:04:43.000 There's a visual.

02:04:44.000 Yeah, well, that's what he is, in my mind.

02:04:47.000 Well, you know, Jeff's thing.

02:04:48.000 He's the roast master.

02:04:49.000 He's an asshole human being.

02:04:53.000 There's nothing better than that Brooklyn version of asshole.

02:04:57.000 He's an asshole.

02:04:58.000 It's an asshole.

02:04:59.000 He's got a face that resembles a fucking asshole.

02:05:03.000 You understand?

02:05:04.000 I'm not calling him an...

02:05:05.000 I'm saying he's got an asshole face.

02:05:08.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.

02:05:08.000 So what I'm saying is he's got a face that on a lot of levels resembles a fucking asshole.

02:05:14.000 He's always been a nice guy to me.

02:05:16.000 Well, fuck him where he breathes.

02:05:19.000 Anybody looking to knock me down, they're getting knocked down, and I fuck him where he breathes.

02:05:23.000 It's unnecessary, and first of all, you gotta...

02:05:27.000 Nice guy, I guess.

02:05:28.000 I got nothing against him.

02:05:30.000 Just you want to open your mouth about me.

02:05:32.000 You've got an enemy for life, and one you don't want.

02:05:35.000 Why are you enemies with Opie right now?

02:05:37.000 Are you still enemies with Opie?

02:05:38.000 No, we're all good.

02:05:39.000 No, what I got mad at them from was when Max was a kid, and I was...

02:05:44.000 And I was going to do The Garden.

02:05:47.000 Max was in the studio, and they had a problem with this talk show guy, Mancow, out of Chicago.

02:05:54.000 And they were pressing the issue, and I didn't even know what happened.

02:05:57.000 And I was looking at Opie like, end this.

02:06:00.000 You know what I mean?

02:06:00.000 My kid's here.

02:06:01.000 And he didn't end it.

02:06:03.000 And we became enemies for a little while, but we made up.

02:06:08.000 They're good guys.

02:06:09.000 We have a good time.

02:06:10.000 Max, you were coming out, she was the last one out of the audience, the dominatrix chicks that we were talking about.

02:06:15.000 Yeah, what happened with that story?

02:06:17.000 Why talk about anything other than fucking box?

02:06:20.000 How did we even get, that's a weird term.

02:06:22.000 Thank God Brian was here to bring this back around.

02:06:25.000 So what happened?

02:06:26.000 Okay, so...

02:06:27.000 After the show, rather.

02:06:29.000 Okay, so I meet her at the t-shirt stand.

02:06:32.000 Bring her backstage.

02:06:33.000 Yeah, bring her backstage.

02:06:34.000 And this is the kid that tells, the young man, I should say, that tells everybody, it's impossible.

02:06:40.000 He's not good with people.

02:06:42.000 But the minute there's a girl, here comes Max.

02:06:46.000 Which I loved.

02:06:47.000 And my dad was really cool with her, super friendly, because he knew what I was going for, so he knew to be cool.

02:06:56.000 They take the picture.

02:06:57.000 We get out of there, go downstairs.

02:06:59.000 And then here comes my wife, you know, the Latina wife with Eleanor.

02:07:04.000 Right.

02:07:04.000 And I'm going, is my wife Valerie?

02:07:06.000 You know.

02:07:08.000 We don't want anyone getting jealous.

02:07:09.000 Yeah, we don't want anybody getting the wrong idea like she's back there for me.

02:07:12.000 Right.

02:07:14.000 Okay, I'm not going to give every detail.

02:07:16.000 No, you don't have to.

02:07:16.000 So we go downstairs, have a couple of drinks.

02:07:19.000 We ended up having some more drinks than I really thought we were going to have.

02:07:22.000 We had like four apiece or whatever.

02:07:24.000 And...

02:07:26.000 I'm not even sure how to tell it.

02:07:28.000 The next day when I get mad.

02:07:30.000 It was the greatest night of my life.

02:07:32.000 That's the only way to say it.

02:07:33.000 It was single-handedly the greatest night of my life.

02:07:36.000 Any peacock feathers?

02:07:37.000 Any dominatrix stuff involved?

02:07:39.000 Because it's what she does.

02:07:42.000 She was just so relaxed and open about anything sexually that it just made me completely relax and feel completely at ease because it's what she does.

02:07:51.000 It's her job.

02:07:52.000 When she came backstage, I had to question her a little because You know, I still got to look out for them.

02:07:57.000 Right.

02:07:58.000 I still have a lot more.

02:07:59.000 Of course.

02:08:00.000 Yeah, you know, so I'm like asking her like what she does.

02:08:03.000 You sent me the text message.

02:08:04.000 She was telling me about different things like I do smoking fetish.

02:08:08.000 I go, what's a smoking?

02:08:09.000 She goes, guys will just come and I just smoke cigarettes around them and act tough.

02:08:15.000 Crazy shit.

02:08:16.000 Did you wind up dating this girl at all?

02:08:18.000 When I went down to the bar, I got a text from my dad in all capitals because my dad likes to text in all capitals.

02:08:25.000 So it always sounds like he's yelling through the text.

02:08:28.000 I got a problem with my left eye, so I don't see the phone as good.

02:08:31.000 And it was like...

02:08:33.000 Stay in the hotel, don't give her any money, and have fun.

02:08:37.000 Oh, that's awesome.

02:08:39.000 So, all caps.

02:08:40.000 Yeah, look at Joe.

02:08:42.000 Joe changes the screen size, actually, so it's like...

02:08:45.000 Yeah, I nearly texted to you yesterday that I text in capital letters because of my arm.

02:08:51.000 Oh, you do all caps also?

02:08:52.000 No, no, no, that's his.

02:08:53.000 But look, I made the text larger so I could see it better.

02:08:57.000 Yeah, it's in the options.

02:08:57.000 Yeah, it always sounds like he's yelling through the text message.

02:09:00.000 Oh, I don't know how to do that.

02:09:02.000 Do you have an iPhone?

02:09:03.000 No, I don't believe in them.

02:09:04.000 2012, you should look into one of those.

02:09:06.000 They exist, I swear.

02:09:07.000 They're awesome.

02:09:08.000 What do you believe in?

02:09:09.000 You don't believe in iPhones?

02:09:10.000 Not really.

02:09:11.000 But it's real.

02:09:12.000 I have two of them.

02:09:13.000 I just don't believe in them.

02:09:14.000 I think it's too much.

02:09:15.000 They're like leprechauns.

02:09:17.000 What is it that you don't believe in them?

02:09:20.000 Too much connection and shit?

02:09:21.000 How much do I need to do with it?

02:09:22.000 You know what I mean?

02:09:23.000 Right.

02:09:24.000 I don't know.

02:09:24.000 For me, I'm a technological junkie.

02:09:27.000 I love new shit.

02:09:28.000 Well, my wife has the iPhone we use for the Twitter and everything.

02:09:31.000 Oh, okay.

02:09:31.000 You know, I use Commando.

02:09:33.000 Do you tell her what to do and she does it for you?

02:09:35.000 I'll show you my phone.

02:09:36.000 Commando.

02:09:37.000 I love the fanny pack.

02:09:38.000 That's actually a very nice one.

02:09:40.000 Where'd you get that?

02:09:41.000 Roots.

02:09:42.000 Roots.

02:09:43.000 Roots has the best ones.

02:09:44.000 Oh, look at this.

02:09:45.000 I'm making a note right now.

02:09:46.000 Roots fanny pack.

02:09:48.000 I just love fellow fanny pack users.

02:09:50.000 This is Commando.

02:09:53.000 Just to sum up the rest of the story real quick for all the listeners.

02:09:56.000 Oh, that's that one that you could fall on the ground.

02:09:58.000 Isn't that like a super durable one?

02:10:00.000 300 feet underwater.

02:10:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:10:02.000 Okay.

02:10:02.000 All right.

02:10:02.000 Well, that's smart.

02:10:03.000 Like if you're having a fight with somebody and they chase you from the beach, you go underwater and you call the cops.

02:10:12.000 Yeah, it's like, why does it need to go underwater?

02:10:15.000 What am I doing underwater?

02:10:16.000 I gotta text somebody while I'm swimming?

02:10:17.000 Can you really fucking call someone underwater?

02:10:20.000 That's amazing.

02:10:21.000 It's a crazy phone.

02:10:22.000 I love it, though.

02:10:23.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of those they're making now.

02:10:24.000 Military style.

02:10:26.000 Yeah, that's what this is.

02:10:27.000 Yeah, they make those Toughbooks, too.

02:10:30.000 Panasonic makes those.

02:10:31.000 Well, my brother-in-law's a Navy SEAL. Oh, really?

02:10:33.000 Yeah.

02:10:33.000 Okay.

02:10:34.000 He's the real deal.

02:10:35.000 So does he have like that kind of computer, everything he could just fucking throw into the ocean?

02:10:38.000 He don't even have command, though.

02:10:39.000 Whoa, he doesn't even have that?

02:10:40.000 He doesn't even have that.

02:10:41.000 Does he have an iPhone?

02:10:42.000 I love when people show you their phone and go, you can't even get this.

02:10:47.000 And I go, well, how the fuck did you get it?

02:10:49.000 From NASA? Who the fuck do you know?

02:10:52.000 Well, what you can get today.

02:10:54.000 That's what people do with their electronics.

02:10:56.000 It's always, oh, you can't get...

02:10:57.000 Well, who the fuck you gotta know to get this?

02:11:00.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:11:01.000 Assholes.

02:11:02.000 I'm telling you, I do a whole thing on that now.

02:11:05.000 I can't take, with the technology, like, you know, when you go to parties, it's all they talk about.

02:11:11.000 You know, instead of what a party should be, fucking the ugly girl on everybody's jackets.

02:11:16.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:17.000 That's a party.

02:11:18.000 Remember that?

02:11:19.000 You move your jacket out of the pile and go, yeah, come in here.

02:11:22.000 That's a nice dark room.

02:11:24.000 Come here, chubby.

02:11:25.000 Just come in your pockets.

02:11:28.000 First thing I would do when I'd go to a party years ago, when I was like 17, 18, you'd spot the ugly girl in the corner going, alright, if that don't work out, she'll still be there.

02:11:37.000 Nothing like a fat girl.

02:11:39.000 I tell it to Max all the time.

02:11:40.000 What else happened?

02:11:41.000 Did anything else happen to the dominatrix?

02:11:43.000 The best way to say it.

02:11:45.000 You know what you can't explain?

02:11:46.000 What happened with the condoms.

02:11:48.000 Oh, this is a really cool story.

02:11:50.000 I hope so anyways.

02:11:52.000 Because when I think about it, it's cool, but let's see how it comes out.

02:11:55.000 How old are you, Max?

02:11:56.000 I'm 21. So I didn't have any condoms on me.

02:11:59.000 Okay.

02:12:00.000 And I figured she would because of what she does.

02:12:03.000 Yeah, Jesus.

02:12:04.000 So everything's just about to go down.

02:12:06.000 And this is after, you know, we go to the hotel room.

02:12:08.000 I play her my rock band's music, which there's really nothing better to do with a girl than play her your own band on like an iPod or whatever.

02:12:18.000 So she's really into the music.

02:12:20.000 Everything's about to go down, and we don't have any condoms.

02:12:23.000 So she starts going, you know, I feel everything happens for a reason.

02:12:27.000 Maybe we're not supposed to get together.

02:12:30.000 And I go into a panic because I'm like, there's no way.

02:12:32.000 We're in the bed.

02:12:33.000 It has to go down.

02:12:34.000 There's no way this is not happening.

02:12:36.000 She goes to the bathroom.

02:12:38.000 I pick up the phone, call the operator.

02:12:39.000 I'm like, can we get some condoms up to room 5245, please?

02:12:44.000 Yeah.

02:12:45.000 Wow, they delivered condoms?

02:12:46.000 They send up like this classic Bellman, like 50-something years old, full head of solid gray, gives me the condoms.

02:12:55.000 I give them the money.

02:12:57.000 I didn't know they would do that.

02:12:58.000 See, I would be the guy running out in the lobby trying to get a taxi.

02:13:03.000 No, he knew if he left, the game is wrong.

02:13:05.000 That's a strong move, Max.

02:13:06.000 That is a strong move.

02:13:07.000 I had read it once in an article that said Michael Jordan did that once, and he called down and had condoms brought up.

02:13:13.000 Once a week.

02:13:14.000 For whatever reason, that came into my mind, and I'm like, just call down and ask for them, and the dude really hooked it up.

02:13:20.000 That's awesome.

02:13:20.000 And then this girl, she showed me the sexual light, and she still hasn't texted me back.

02:13:26.000 Really?

02:13:27.000 Really.

02:13:27.000 You just hit it and quit it, huh?

02:13:28.000 You know, it's crazy.

02:13:30.000 You want to know that?

02:13:31.000 That's another thing with guys today.

02:13:33.000 Like, I was talking to this producer, this guy, one of the guys that was on.

02:13:40.000 His name is Rob Weiss.

02:13:41.000 He's a really funny guy.

02:13:42.000 And he was telling me, like, a story of a girl he was with.

02:13:47.000 And, you know, how they did everything.

02:13:49.000 And then, you know, like, the next day how you would call.

02:13:51.000 How you doing?

02:13:52.000 Let's get together again.

02:13:53.000 And the girl, like, blew him off in a minute going, I'll call you right back.

02:13:57.000 And he goes, now I'm sitting there like the fucking girls used to do, waiting for the call back that never comes.

02:14:04.000 You know what I mean?

02:14:05.000 It's the funniest thing.

02:14:07.000 This generation of women, they could go out, bang a guy all night, and then just, you know, forget about it the next day.

02:14:14.000 They say that when the birth control pill came along, the whole fucking world changed.

02:14:18.000 And now when the internet came along, it changed again.

02:14:21.000 It changed one more time.

02:14:23.000 It's insanity.

02:14:24.000 It's a strange thing that I can't figure out.

02:14:26.000 If you really hit it off with someone, why not stay in touch or whatever?

02:14:30.000 But I can't figure out her mind.

02:14:32.000 How quick did you come?

02:14:33.000 Be honest.

02:14:36.000 I'm not going to give the exact amount of time, but it was so much fun.

02:14:40.000 Lightning.

02:14:40.000 It was the best.

02:14:41.000 You know what?

02:14:42.000 You are talking a lot about his music.

02:14:44.000 You know, they could play one of your songs if they go to that site.

02:14:47.000 You could play them one of the songs up there.

02:14:49.000 You should.

02:14:49.000 You want us to?

02:14:50.000 You will.

02:14:51.000 Absolutely.

02:14:52.000 Tell them what to go to.

02:14:53.000 Okay.

02:14:53.000 What's your favorite?

02:14:54.000 Everyone laughed at me when I said it was on MySpace last time.

02:14:57.000 No, it doesn't matter.

02:14:58.000 MySpace is still legit.

02:15:00.000 No, but the point, and they're revamping MySpace anyway.

02:15:04.000 It's making a comeback.

02:15:05.000 Yeah, MySpace is making a comeback.

02:15:08.000 If you go to myspace.com slash official L.A. Rocks, that's where we can find the music.

02:15:14.000 Official L.A. Rocks.

02:15:16.000 Because there was an L.A. Rocks.

02:15:17.000 But don't play the song until I set this up for you.

02:15:20.000 You've got to understand, when these songs were recorded, Max, I don't even know if he was 17 yet, he's on the drums, and Dylan was how old?

02:15:29.000 13, 14?

02:15:31.000 Dylan was like 13. He was 13 years old.

02:15:34.000 Dylan wrote the music, plays the lead guitar, does the bass, the lead vocal, the words.

02:15:44.000 So people listening to this got to realize this is a 13-year-old kid on lead vocal and guitar.

02:15:50.000 Jesus Christ.

02:15:50.000 He was only playing guitar about a year and a half.

02:15:52.000 Wow.

02:15:53.000 Okay?

02:15:53.000 And, you know, it just happened as a fluke because I was going to use...

02:15:59.000 Which song are we going to play?

02:16:00.000 Rottencore or Junkyard?

02:16:01.000 Junkyard.

02:16:02.000 Alright.

02:16:04.000 When we went into the studio, they were just going to lay the music down for my album that I still never put out.

02:16:10.000 And Dylan asked, can I sing it?

02:16:12.000 This is the night before.

02:16:13.000 And I go, well, yeah, sure you could sing it.

02:16:16.000 I didn't know you could sing.

02:16:17.000 I go, but you know I would never put anything on an album that would embarrass you.

02:16:22.000 So if it doesn't sound right, we'll just use the music.

02:16:25.000 So they go in, they lay the music track down in one take, then Dylan did the bass line in one take, and then the engineer goes, you know, if you want, because he's a little kid, he goes, you could come back tomorrow and do the vocal, and he goes, rock and roll happens at night, okay?

02:16:43.000 It's the best.

02:16:43.000 So now, with that being said, this is, you know, a couple years ago, so do the one that's Junkyard.

02:16:51.000 So 13, how old at this time?

02:16:52.000 13. Dylan's 13, I'm 17. 13 and 17. For

02:17:37.000 For 13 and 17, this is fucking unbelievable.

02:17:40.000 If you picked up a scrap, would it make you choke?

02:17:46.000 Down in the junkyard when the dead things lay.

02:17:51.000 Down in the junkyard when the dead things lay.

02:17:57.000 Yeah, at the playground you could never escape.

02:18:02.000 This is your final day.

02:18:06.000 Oh yeah.

02:18:09.000 Are you guys Alice in Chains fans?

02:18:12.000 Oh yeah.

02:18:13.000 Yeah.

02:18:14.000 It's fucking good, dude.

02:18:16.000 Yeah, it's really great today.

02:18:17.000 Let them hear it.

02:18:19.000 Okay.

02:18:21.000 It gets better.

02:18:26.000 Breathing in the smoke Looking at destruction Like it's one big fucking joke If you picked up a scrap Great

02:19:33.000 drumming, Max.

02:19:35.000 Yeah, you know what else I like?

02:19:37.000 It's not some boy band bullshit.

02:19:39.000 No, this is adult rock.

02:19:41.000 Yeah.

02:19:42.000 They wanted to be like a two-band Guns N' Roses.

02:19:47.000 Well, you got talented kids, man.

02:19:49.000 That's got to feel great.

02:19:50.000 How many songs you got up there?

02:19:52.000 I think there's only like three or four on the actual MySpace.

02:19:55.000 What's on there?

02:19:56.000 Where are they going to if people at home want to listen to this?

02:19:58.000 If you go to myspace.com slash official L.A. Rocks.

02:20:03.000 Official L.A. Rocks.

02:20:03.000 What are the songs around there?

02:20:04.000 What are you dedicating your time to more?

02:20:06.000 Stand-up or that?

02:20:07.000 Well, I've really been doing the stand-up mostly because the band actually broke up for a couple of years.

02:20:13.000 You and your brother broke up?

02:20:14.000 Well, what happened, real short, when these record companies came at them, Dylan got a little overwhelmed, and I couldn't blame him.

02:20:22.000 13. I was overwhelmed, yeah.

02:20:24.000 I would actually tell him, I go, look, I'm not Joe Jackson.

02:20:26.000 I'm not going to force you into stardom.

02:20:28.000 You know what I mean?

02:20:29.000 Good for you.

02:20:29.000 But now he's back into it, and they're actually going to open my special for me.

02:20:34.000 That's fucking awesome.

02:20:35.000 That's really cool.

02:20:36.000 That's got to be so cool, man, to have your kids doing something like that.

02:20:39.000 And the reality is, regular life sucks.

02:20:43.000 Having a regular job, being some fucking dude, working in an office.

02:20:46.000 When you see your dad living the way he lives and doing what he wants to do and being free, there's really not that many other paths for you.

02:20:54.000 You grew up with it.

02:20:54.000 You see it.

02:20:55.000 It's the greatest way to make a living in the history of the fucking universe.

02:20:58.000 Creating your own shit, putting it out there.

02:21:00.000 People love it.

02:21:00.000 They come to see you.

02:21:01.000 They give you money, and you fucking have a great time.

02:21:03.000 And you live this life like the big, fat, stupid party that it's supposed to be.

02:21:07.000 Well, you know...

02:21:09.000 You know, he already realizes what assholes people could be.

02:21:16.000 So he goes, I can't wait to become famous so I could just get a house and put a big wall between me and the rest of the world.

02:21:27.000 When he'll come home from the Comedy Store at night because of everything he sees out there.

02:21:33.000 It's just the funniest way in how he puts it to me.

02:21:37.000 It's weird watching kids like Max being raised.

02:21:40.000 He's had the internet his whole life, too.

02:21:42.000 They're different.

02:21:43.000 Kids today, 21-year-old, you are much more mature, advanced, aware.

02:21:48.000 Than I was when I was 21. When I was 21, I was a fucking idiot.

02:21:52.000 When I first started doing stand-up, I didn't know what the fuck was going on in the world.

02:21:56.000 I didn't care.

02:21:57.000 One of the reasons why I like dirty jokes, because that's the only shit that I thought was actually funny.

02:22:02.000 That's all I cared about.

02:22:03.000 I was 21 years old.

02:22:04.000 What did I care about?

02:22:05.000 I cared about fucking.

02:22:06.000 That's what I want to do.

02:22:07.000 I want to get drunk and have fun.

02:22:08.000 It's a dirty world.

02:22:09.000 And fuck, it is a dirty world.

02:22:11.000 That's why I initially started off trying to be a really clean comic, and it just has not really gone that way, because it's really hard to just be clean now.

02:22:22.000 I admire Jerry Seinfeld as a craftsman.

02:22:25.000 I admire him as a man who crafts jokes.

02:22:27.000 If you go and you listen to...

02:22:29.000 Yeah, he's phenomenal.

02:22:29.000 Yeah, he's a craftsman.

02:22:31.000 I mean, he knows how to...

02:22:32.000 His pacing, his delivery, his writing.

02:22:34.000 What do I tell you is the best clean comic there is.

02:22:37.000 My dad always uses Seinfeld as an example.

02:22:39.000 Gaffigan is another great example.

02:22:40.000 Gaffigan is a goddamn craftsman.

02:22:42.000 And he likes doing that kind of comedy.

02:22:44.000 You hang out and talk to the guy.

02:22:45.000 That's how he talks.

02:22:46.000 But to me, what's always been the funniest to me is people just get fucking crazy.

02:22:51.000 I don't want to go see...

02:22:52.000 I love comedy, period.

02:22:54.000 I mean, I'll go to see a clean comic if he's really funny.

02:22:56.000 I would love to go see Gaff again or something like that.

02:22:58.000 But if I had my choice, I want to see something crazy.

02:23:02.000 Well, it's just what people live in.

02:23:03.000 We're in a dirty world.

02:23:04.000 We live in reality.

02:23:05.000 With a lot of dirty things going on.

02:23:07.000 So if you're on stage as a comic, our whole job is commentary on the world.

02:23:13.000 Yeah.

02:23:14.000 Yeah, and you need to address every unturned rock.

02:23:17.000 And it's like to be a new comic in the year 2012. You know, Seinfeld even came up in the early 80s.

02:23:23.000 You know, it seemed like it might have been a little easier to be cleaner at that time.

02:23:27.000 Yeah, that clean shit's done, son.

02:23:28.000 The internet came along.

02:23:29.000 Once Goatseed was around, once you saw people pulling apart their asshole with a wedding ring in your hand.

02:23:34.000 You ever see that picture?

02:23:35.000 Of course you have.

02:23:36.000 How about television?

02:23:36.000 Tub Girl.

02:23:37.000 You ever see Tub Girl?

02:23:37.000 Oh yeah.

02:23:38.000 The girl with her asshole up in the air.

02:23:39.000 A fountain spray of diarrhea is splattering on her face.

02:23:43.000 She has a cheesecloth over her face.

02:23:45.000 Yeah, I can't.

02:23:45.000 I can't look at those things.

02:23:46.000 It's incredible.

02:23:47.000 This is a new world.

02:23:48.000 I'll make fun of it.

02:23:48.000 Have you seen Mr. Hands?

02:23:50.000 No.

02:23:50.000 I haven't seen a lot.

02:23:51.000 I've heard of a lot of these things, but I haven't seen it.

02:23:53.000 Mr. Hands is a guy that gets fucked to death by a horse.

02:23:55.000 Oh, interesting.

02:23:56.000 He was a guy, they started, they changed a law in Washington State about this guy.

02:24:00.000 They made a documentary about it called Zoo.

02:24:02.000 Apparently for the longest time, Washington State was legal to have sex with animals.

02:24:06.000 So people would fly to Washington State and move in and make farms together and have sex and make videos.

02:24:11.000 Oh, man.

02:24:12.000 Ridiculous shit.

02:24:13.000 No, I did see that video.

02:24:14.000 It's insane.

02:24:15.000 None of this was around when your dad was around when he was young.

02:24:18.000 None of this was around when I was your age.

02:24:20.000 You were growing up in an area of exposure, a different world than anything that I saw when I was 21. Legal to have sex with animals.

02:24:29.000 It's not anymore.

02:24:30.000 They changed it.

02:24:30.000 It was just an old law that was on the books forever, and so they found this loophole.

02:24:35.000 It's actually like a clinical psychological disorder.

02:24:38.000 It's called zoophilia.

02:24:40.000 So like in Washington like if you ask somebody like you seen anybody?

02:24:43.000 Yeah, I'm living with a ferret right now They were into horses.

02:24:48.000 They were into things fucking them.

02:24:50.000 The guy had a perforated colon bled out.

02:24:52.000 You know what?

02:24:53.000 It's filthy as I get on stage.

02:24:55.000 And I get filthy.

02:24:57.000 You know?

02:24:58.000 Like, that's the kind of stuff I can't even look at.

02:25:01.000 Do you...

02:25:01.000 Would you go on the internet and fuck around and, like, go to message boards and...

02:25:05.000 No, I don't.

02:25:05.000 I don't.

02:25:06.000 Nothing?

02:25:06.000 I don't.

02:25:07.000 You know?

02:25:07.000 And I even...

02:25:08.000 You know, because I knew they grew up with the, you know, the computer generation that even when they were kids, I would say, like, look...

02:25:16.000 I know what's out there.

02:25:18.000 The one good thing about having me as a father is you know you can talk to me about anything.

02:25:23.000 You don't have to watch your language if you're talking about a girl.

02:25:27.000 You could talk straight to me.

02:25:30.000 Just tell me straight out how it is.

02:25:32.000 That's got to be nice.

02:25:32.000 And I would always tell my kids, do yourselves a favor.

02:25:36.000 Stay away from the porno on the internet.

02:25:38.000 I go, you're going to grow up.

02:25:40.000 You're going to start dating girls.

02:25:41.000 You don't want your mind twisted and bent that badly.

02:25:45.000 Too late for me.

02:25:47.000 Too late.

02:25:48.000 No, but it's the truth.

02:25:50.000 And, you know, Max was honest enough at that time.

02:25:52.000 He had a friend that went to it a few times.

02:25:55.000 I said, well, just stay away from it.

02:25:56.000 But this is also when I was, like, 12. Well, that's what I'm saying.

02:25:59.000 That's the age where, like, you know, you could see a thing like, you know, some chick blowing a horse and think, oh, that's what you're supposed to do?

02:26:07.000 You know, kids don't get it.

02:26:09.000 You know what I mean?

02:26:10.000 They don't know it's fucking sick in their head.

02:26:12.000 Yeah, especially early exposure to really graphic sexual images like video and porn.

02:26:16.000 That probably can't be good for a kid.

02:26:18.000 It's probably not.

02:26:19.000 No, it can't be good.

02:26:21.000 It's impossible for it to be good.

02:26:22.000 Maxi hardcore type shit, you know who that guy is?

02:26:25.000 No.

02:26:25.000 He's one of the only guys in recent memory that has been arrested for obscenities.

02:26:30.000 They took him to trial in Florida.

02:26:33.000 His videos are so obscene that they took this guy to trial in one state because they knew they could get him if they went in...

02:26:40.000 Florida has very strict obscenity laws.

02:26:42.000 That's how they got two live crew in Florida.

02:26:44.000 Remember that shit when they got arrested?

02:26:46.000 Did you ever have an issue in Florida?

02:26:48.000 Not in Florida.

02:26:49.000 I had it in Cleveland, though.

02:26:51.000 What happened there?

02:26:52.000 The entire...

02:26:54.000 And I'll never forget, you know, because management, they try to keep you out of it.

02:26:57.000 And I come into my dressing room and, well, there's a problem, you know, and I'm like, what's the, this is, you know, an arena in Cleveland.

02:27:05.000 And all of a sudden, the dressing room is flooded with cops.

02:27:10.000 You know, telling me if anybody complains, anybody, you're going to jail.

02:27:15.000 And I was like, what year are we living in?

02:27:19.000 I go, I'll tell you what.

02:27:21.000 You tell me what words you don't want me to say.

02:27:23.000 As long as I step on that stage, I get my check.

02:27:26.000 I'll do five fucking minutes.

02:27:28.000 I don't care.

02:27:29.000 I go, but who would complain that's buying a DICE ticket?

02:27:33.000 Jesus Christ.

02:27:35.000 And obviously I didn't go to jail.

02:27:37.000 What year was this?

02:27:37.000 This was probably around 93. Holy shit.

02:27:41.000 Yeah, I mean, yeah, I went through some stuff.

02:27:44.000 That's incredible, though.

02:27:45.000 You know, with...

02:27:46.000 93?

02:27:47.000 In Canada, you know, where they would really detain you on the bus and really go through everything.

02:27:53.000 And I'm going, look, we're not druggies on this bus.

02:27:55.000 We're just doing comedy shows.

02:27:57.000 Right.

02:27:57.000 It's not what I do.

02:27:58.000 They can be rough when you cross the border to Montreal, but I've been over there a few times.

02:28:01.000 They made us take a walk in the snow that I had to take a nap afterwards.

02:28:05.000 It was so hard.

02:28:07.000 And it was like four in the morning.

02:28:08.000 It made you walk in the snow.

02:28:10.000 All the way to this fucking thing where their office was.

02:28:13.000 Wow.

02:28:14.000 And all of us on the bus.

02:28:15.000 You know, I traveled with a band.

02:28:17.000 I traveled with my guys.

02:28:18.000 That's why Canada is so nice.

02:28:19.000 They have a zero douchebag rule.

02:28:22.000 If you're even remotely douchebaggish at the Border Patrol, they're like, get the fuck out of here, man.

02:28:27.000 If you have a DUI, get the fuck out of here.

02:28:30.000 If you have an assault, get the fuck out of here.

02:28:32.000 Isn't that crazy that if you get a DUI, you can't go to Canada.

02:28:34.000 That's why Canada is so awful.

02:28:36.000 We can never go together.

02:28:36.000 It's why Canada is so awesome.

02:28:38.000 They just ban you.

02:28:38.000 Because they won't let in any American douchebags.

02:28:41.000 I mean, there's a fucking smart thing to that.

02:28:45.000 You can really think about what you do.

02:28:46.000 You live in Canada.

02:28:47.000 You're like a bunch of nice people in this frozen country that's connected to the craziest fucking savages that have ever existed on the face of the planet.

02:28:55.000 There's no crazier country, if you look at total impact on the world, than America.

02:29:00.000 Fuck Rome.

02:29:00.000 Rome can suck our dick.

02:29:02.000 We're in 140 different countries with fucking nuclear arms.

02:29:05.000 We got bombs and tanks and jets and drones.

02:29:09.000 Everybody sit the fuck down.

02:29:11.000 So Canada's like above us and every now and then one of us is running from the law and they try to get into Canada.

02:29:16.000 So of course they have to have like really fucking strict laws.

02:29:19.000 Yeah, they do.

02:29:19.000 Any criminal tendencies, any conditionness.

02:29:22.000 They saw that coming a long time ago and they're like, eh, we gotta shut it down.

02:29:25.000 Shut it down.

02:29:26.000 I appreciate it.

02:29:27.000 That's why I have such a great time up in Canada, because they do that.

02:29:30.000 They're so stringent.

02:29:31.000 It is great there.

02:29:31.000 It's fucking amazing.

02:29:32.000 Canada really is awesome.

02:29:33.000 It's amazing.

02:29:34.000 I'm at the River Creek Casino in June.

02:29:36.000 You're going to love that place.

02:29:38.000 Yeah, I've been to it a bunch of times.

02:29:39.000 Oh yeah, I've got to say where my gigs are.

02:29:41.000 Yeah, I've got them right here for you.

02:29:43.000 So next Wednesday, Dice will be at Westbury Music Fair, and that is...

02:29:48.000 In Long Island.

02:29:48.000 Where in Long Island?

02:29:50.000 Westbury.

02:29:53.000 That's next Wednesday and then Friday and Saturday.

02:29:55.000 He's at the Joker's Wild in New Haven, Connecticut.

02:29:58.000 My old stomping club.

02:29:59.000 I used to do that club when I lived in New Rochelle.

02:30:02.000 And that should be a lot of fun.

02:30:04.000 And then next Sunday.

02:30:05.000 This is the big one.

02:30:06.000 Asbury Park, New Jersey.

02:30:08.000 Bamboozled.

02:30:09.000 And who are you working with there?

02:30:10.000 Well, I'm going on right before Bon Jovi.

02:30:12.000 Holy shit.

02:30:13.000 I'll do my show and then he'll do his.

02:30:16.000 I don't know what stage I'm on, but my show's the one right before his.

02:30:19.000 I met Bon Jovi and I've met him a couple times.

02:30:22.000 I opened for them once in Queens.

02:30:24.000 I did this MTV theater in the round.

02:30:26.000 They were very nice guys.

02:30:27.000 And I always had an opinion of them.

02:30:29.000 Just real friendly guys.

02:30:30.000 But then I read this thing with him and his wife.

02:30:32.000 They own a restaurant.

02:30:33.000 And they have a restaurant where the people that go to the restaurant pay whatever they can afford to pay.

02:30:39.000 So instead of it being a soup kitchen, people can go with dignity and just pay whatever little money they have for a nice meal.

02:30:47.000 They're like really compassionate, nice people.

02:30:49.000 I've heard about that.

02:30:50.000 That's a wild concept.

02:30:51.000 That's a beautiful concept.

02:30:52.000 It's a beautiful thing that they do, especially in this fucked up economy.

02:30:56.000 So, props to Bon Jovi.

02:30:58.000 And you'll be here with him.

02:30:59.000 That's next Sunday, Asbury Park, New Jersey, at Bamboozle.

02:31:02.000 That should be fucking crazy.

02:31:04.000 Dude, thank you very much.

02:31:05.000 It's been an honor.

02:31:06.000 For me, as a comic, like I said, when I came up, man, you were one of the guys that I really looked up to.

02:31:11.000 And so to have you on the podcast is like a crazy experience for me.

02:31:14.000 I'm super happy to do it.

02:31:15.000 We'll do it again.

02:31:16.000 Thanks again for, back in the day, giving me advice.

02:31:19.000 And you really did.

02:31:20.000 You were the reason why I decided to go on the road.

02:31:22.000 I listened to him.

02:31:23.000 I was like, yeah, why don't I go on the road?

02:31:25.000 It may be a better comic, too.

02:31:27.000 Going up to the store only can kind of make you a little bit of a monster.

02:31:31.000 You could get sucked into his demonic spell and be a real fucking creep.

02:31:37.000 Thank you everybody for tuning in to the podcast and we will see you next week.

02:31:41.000 We've got a lot of show coming up next week.

02:31:43.000 Next week we've got Michael Rupert.

02:31:45.000 He's going to be here on Tuesday and Chael Sonnen the day before on Monday.

02:31:49.000 And then Shane Smith will be the week after that.

02:31:52.000 We've got a lot of shit going on.

02:31:53.000 A lot of new people that I'm putting in.

02:31:56.000 John Anthony West and I are exchanging emails so we're going to be doing that as well too which I'm fucking super psyched about.

02:32:02.000 Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring us always.

02:32:05.000 Our first sponsor, when nobody would take us seriously, they've been there from the beginning, and they're solid, and it's a fucking solid product as well.

02:32:13.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the codename ROGAN, and save yourself 15%.

02:32:18.000 And thank you to Onnit.com, that's O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain and various nootropics like Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech Immune and 5-H-T-P, Enhanced New Mood.

02:32:30.000 Go check that shit out.

02:32:31.000 And 100% money back guarantee on the first 30 pills you order.

02:32:35.000 You don't even have to sell this stuff back to us.

02:32:38.000 Just say it sucks and you get your money back.

02:32:40.000 Use the code name ROGAN. Save yourself 10% on any and all orders.

02:32:43.000 Alright, you dirty bitches.

02:32:45.000 This is the end of this show, but it is Friday and it's 7 o'clock in about two hours.

02:32:50.000 Two hours.

02:32:51.000 We will be doing the Ice House Chronicles, and that takes place right here at the Ice House in Pasadena.

02:32:56.000 You can only listen to it on Desquad, so subscribe to the Desquad on iTunes, or you can watch it on my Ustream page tonight, this one here, Joe Rogan, Ustream.tv, forward slash Joe Rogan.

02:33:09.000 Hey, Joe, I got t-shirts on sale, too.

02:33:10.000 Oh, shit!

02:33:12.000 Desquad t-shirts?

02:33:13.000 They're pretty badass.

02:33:14.000 Where can they get these?

02:33:14.000 Desquad.tv?

02:33:15.000 Desquad.tv, click on Desquad Shop, and there's stickers and shirts.

02:33:18.000 Yeah, and for all you rumor-mongering cunt faces out there that thought for some reason, because me and Brian did a couple of podcasts away from each other, I wasn't with my little snuggle bunny, there's some sort of bridge or gap between us.

02:33:33.000 This is not true.

02:33:34.000 And he is my friend, and Brian will always be on the Joe Rogan Experience as long as he wants to.

02:33:39.000 Unless he gets really fucking crazy.

02:33:41.000 Unless he blows a fuse or...

02:33:44.000 Gets AIDS. Alright, that's it.

02:33:46.000 See you soon, you dirty bitches.

02:33:48.000 Icehouse Chronicles, 9 o'clock.

02:33:50.000 Follow Dice Clay, the real Dice Clay, on Twitter.

02:33:53.000 And anything else, Dice?

02:33:54.000 I'm all good.

02:33:55.000 And follow Max.

02:33:56.000 This was great.

02:33:56.000 Beautiful.

02:33:57.000 Thank you, sir.

02:33:57.000 Appreciate it.

02:33:58.000 And follow Max.

02:33:59.000 What's Max's?

02:34:00.000 I'm at Max D-U-Z-Z Comedy.

02:34:03.000 Max D-U-Z-Z Comedy.

02:34:05.000 That's it.

02:34:05.000 Follow Max.

02:34:06.000 Follow Dice.

02:34:07.000 Follow Redband.

02:34:08.000 R-E-D-B-A-N. Love you, dirty bitches.

02:34:09.000 We'll see you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 11, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #215 - Andrew Dice Clay

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