The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #2158 - Harland Williams

00:00:12.000 I think I've known you for 30 years.

00:00:15.000 You know how crazy that is?

00:00:16.000 31. Is it really?

00:00:17.000 Yeah.

00:00:18.000 Wow.

00:00:18.000 I remember the day we met.

00:00:20.000 Really?

00:00:20.000 Baskin Robbins on Melrose.

00:00:22.000 Really?

00:00:22.000 Yeah.

00:00:23.000 Did we meet at Baskin Robbins?

00:00:25.000 Baskin Robbins.

00:00:25.000 I got one of those memories like the girl from Taxi.

00:00:28.000 Oh, do you really?

00:00:29.000 He got a mint chocolate chip, double scoop, and I had peanut butter and chocolate.

00:00:33.000 I think you're making this up.

00:00:35.000 I think you're making this up.

00:00:37.000 He's making this up.

00:00:37.000 I was like, hold on, let's see how this goes.

00:00:39.000 Yeah, as soon as he was saying he's got a memory like the lady from Taxi, I was like...

00:00:43.000 And I couldn't even remember her name.

00:00:49.000 That lady's got a crazy memory. 1.00

00:00:51.000 She does! 0.98

00:00:52.000 She can tell you, like, dates in 1972 what day it was.

00:00:56.000 Dude, I bumped into her at a sushi joint once and she reenacted the day I lost my virginity.

00:01:01.000 It's unbelievable.

00:01:02.000 Wow.

00:01:03.000 She remembered it.

00:01:04.000 How does she know?

00:01:05.000 Do you think she's an alien? 0.98

00:01:06.000 No, it was her.

00:01:07.000 Oh, really?

00:01:08.000 Yeah.

00:01:08.000 She popped my cherry.

00:01:09.000 She was hot back in the day.

00:01:11.000 She drove my taxi.

00:01:12.000 Ooh.

00:01:13.000 Yeah.

00:01:13.000 She acted as your depot.

00:01:15.000 Wait, what's her name?

00:01:16.000 Mary Lou Retina? 0.98

00:01:17.000 No.

00:01:18.000 What is it?

00:01:19.000 Close.

00:01:20.000 Mary Lou Iris?

00:01:22.000 No.

00:01:22.000 Cornea.

00:01:23.000 Cornea.

00:01:24.000 Mary Lou Cornea. 0.99

00:01:25.000 What was her name?

00:01:27.000 Retin? 0.91

00:01:27.000 No, that's the gymnast. 0.91

00:01:28.000 She's the gymnast.

00:01:29.000 That's the gymnast.

00:01:30.000 What was her name?

00:01:32.000 Is it Marlee Matlin?

00:01:33.000 That's the deaf chick. 1.00

00:01:35.000 Yeah.

00:01:36.000 That's the one that everybody had to pretend was really good at acting.

00:01:39.000 But she did win an Oscar, didn't she?

00:01:42.000 Mary Lou Henner.

00:01:44.000 Oh, she did the tampon commercials. 0.95

00:01:47.000 Did she?

00:01:48.000 Yeah.

00:01:49.000 And who better to do them than a tumbler?

00:01:51.000 They get guys to do them now.

00:01:53.000 Yeah.

00:01:54.000 It's a new world.

00:01:55.000 Yeah.

00:01:56.000 Yeah, there she is. 1.00

00:01:57.000 Back in the day when she was on Taxi, she was hot.

00:02:01.000 But you can't ever lie to her.

00:02:04.000 Yeah, she knows everything.

00:02:05.000 I didn't say that.

00:02:08.000 Not only did you say that, you were wearing this.

00:02:10.000 Yeah, she just knows it all.

00:02:14.000 Unbelievable.

00:02:15.000 That's probably a real issue in relationships.

00:02:18.000 You can never argue with her about who is right.

00:02:20.000 She remembers it.

00:02:21.000 Yeah.

00:02:22.000 100%. 1.00

00:02:22.000 You've got a foggy-ass, bullshit, normal human. 1.00

00:02:25.000 How good's your memory? 1.00

00:02:26.000 My memory's not that good.

00:02:29.000 Maybe she's an elephant. 1.00

00:02:31.000 I don't think their memory's that good.

00:02:33.000 They say they are. 1.00

00:02:35.000 Yeah, but like shit that you would remember too. 0.99

00:02:38.000 Right, like how often do you watch one of those nature shows and you see like elephants wandering around aimlessly and you know they're looking for their car. 0.99

00:02:47.000 Because they can't remember where they parked. 1.00

00:02:49.000 Idiots. 1.00

00:02:50.000 Imagine if elephants could drive. 1.00

00:02:51.000 That would be a real problem. 1.00

00:02:52.000 How big would their fucking car be? 0.99

00:02:54.000 How big would their roads have to be? 1.00

00:02:57.000 If anybody else, any other animals, started developing electronics, I think we'd just kill them. 0.99

00:03:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:03:02.000 They'd be like, what the fuck are you doing over there? 1.00

00:03:04.000 Like, we wouldn't be cool with chimps fastening their own weapons if they started making guns. 1.00

00:03:08.000 If chimps start smelting iron, like figuring out ballistics, you see chimps on the range. 0.93

00:03:13.000 Yeah.

00:03:14.000 You're like, hey, hey, hey, only us.

00:03:16.000 Yeah.

00:03:17.000 Well, isn't that what Planet of the Apes is all about?

00:03:20.000 Similar.

00:03:20.000 They evolved to the point where...

00:03:22.000 Wasn't the new one, like, experiments?

00:03:26.000 Wasn't it, like, some kind of experiments?

00:03:27.000 On how it's, like, kicked off?

00:03:30.000 Like, back in the day, it was like a time machine thing.

00:03:33.000 Like, they went, right?

00:03:35.000 Like, the really old ones?

00:03:36.000 Yeah, the first one.

00:03:37.000 There was a time machine, and you go forward in time, and you realize, like, oh my god, the apes are now humans.

00:03:44.000 Yeah, they landed so far in the future on Earth.

00:03:48.000 You know who wrote that one?

00:03:49.000 Rod Serling.

00:03:50.000 Oh, did he really?

00:03:51.000 Yeah, from Twilight Zone. 1.00

00:03:52.000 He was the fucking man. 1.00

00:03:53.000 He was way ahead of his time. 1.00

00:03:55.000 With everything.

00:03:56.000 Genius.

00:03:57.000 So many good episodes.

00:03:59.000 You go back and watch the Twilight Zone, it's like, no production value, no money for special effects.

00:04:05.000 Incredible show.

00:04:06.000 And that's what was part of their charm.

00:04:08.000 But the music, everything worked.

00:04:11.000 And if you look at a lot of modern day movies...

00:04:15.000 They were predicated on those old shows.

00:04:18.000 Like Chucky, there's an old episode with Telly Savalas.

00:04:22.000 Talkie Tina. 0.99

00:04:23.000 Hi, I'm Talkie Tina, and I'm going to kill you. 1.00

00:04:27.000 This was a doll, remember? 0.99

00:04:30.000 Fast forward to Chucky, that demented, red-headed, freckle-faced freak. 0.98

00:04:35.000 Look at that. 0.99

00:04:36.000 There she is, Talkie Tina.

00:04:38.000 You know what my favorite one was?

00:04:39.000 To Serve Man.

00:04:40.000 Oh yeah, it's a cookbook!

00:04:42.000 Yeah.

00:04:44.000 And then Juliet Childs walks out of the UFO. Hello, everybody!

00:04:49.000 We're gonna serve your children!

00:04:51.000 What did the aliens look like on To Serve Man?

00:04:53.000 It was very bizarre.

00:04:54.000 Yeah, they had giant bulbous heads.

00:04:56.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:04:57.000 There it is.

00:04:57.000 Yeah.

00:04:58.000 They look like Herman Munster without the hair. 1.00

00:05:01.000 Look at how bad this fucking makeup is. 1.00

00:05:03.000 You can see where it's glued to his cheek. 1.00

00:05:05.000 You can see how everything is so shitty. 0.96

00:05:08.000 You could do better than that in a high school musical. 0.96

00:05:11.000 Speaking of human cookbooks, I have a buddy who just had a kid, and he told me him and his wife made placenta smoothies.

00:05:25.000 And I'm sitting here going, what if you love them?

00:05:28.000 What if you love the taste of your own kid?

00:05:30.000 And one day you're with Billy at the park, and you're just looking at him, and you're like...

00:05:36.000 You know, you start licking your lips like, he sure did taste good.

00:05:40.000 And then cannibalism and you eat your own kid.

00:05:43.000 I don't think it's actually eating your own kid.

00:05:45.000 I think it's eating the nutrients that provide nourishment to the kid while it's in the womb.

00:05:50.000 It's not, you're not eating the kid.

00:05:52.000 The kid is separate from the placenta. 0.64

00:05:55.000 It is?

00:05:55.000 Yeah, the kid is an actual...

00:05:56.000 Oh, I thought it was covered like, you know when a gazelle drops its baby on the Kalahari and it like licks all that film off it?

00:06:04.000 Isn't that placenta? 0.93

00:06:05.000 Or is that just like a pasta sauce?

00:06:08.000 It's like carbonara?

00:06:11.000 I think that is placenta, right?

00:06:13.000 I mean, it probably must be.

00:06:14.000 So isn't that what human kids have?

00:06:16.000 But it's not the kid itself.

00:06:19.000 It's the nutrients that the kid was consuming while they were in the womb.

00:06:23.000 I believe, obviously I'm not a doctor.

00:06:25.000 Yeah, look at this.

00:06:26.000 Is this one going to drop it?

00:06:27.000 They eat that.

00:06:28.000 Is she about to drop?

00:06:29.000 Boy, how vulnerable are they when they're giving birth? 1.00

00:06:31.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:06:32.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:06:33.000 And half of those kids get snatched up immediately by a cat.

00:06:38.000 Some cats or wild dogs or something come run over and steal your baby and that's it.

00:06:43.000 You carry that thing around inside of you for months.

00:06:45.000 You love it more than anything in life.

00:06:47.000 They'll protect it.

00:06:50.000 Obviously they have this insane connection with that baby and then it gets snatched away by a cat.

00:06:55.000 It literally doesn't get its first bleat out.

00:06:59.000 It lifts its head, and then bong, it's gone.

00:07:02.000 Well, that's one of the things that people have to be very aware about in North America.

00:07:05.000 What?

00:07:06.000 Bears.

00:07:06.000 What bears are doing to deer and moose, the same thing.

00:07:10.000 If you really love deer and moose and elk and stuff like that, half of those animals, babies get eaten by bears.

00:07:19.000 Yeah.

00:07:20.000 They eat like half of the babies that come out.

00:07:22.000 Half.

00:07:23.000 Half.

00:07:25.000 You know, it's a good thing in a good ecosystem.

00:07:29.000 To cull the herd.

00:07:30.000 Yeah, well, it's not even just to cull the herd.

00:07:33.000 That's what they're there for.

00:07:35.000 It's a system.

00:07:37.000 We look at it like it's this beautiful thing, because it is beautiful.

00:07:41.000 You see these animals and the wild and nature, but what it is, it's a system.

00:07:45.000 It's like a mathematical system.

00:07:47.000 You have numbers, and the amount of predators is based on the amount of prey and the amount of babies they have and the amount of babies that survive.

00:07:53.000 You know, animals that have less babies don't survive as well.

00:07:58.000 Animals that are bigger fight off the wolves better.

00:08:01.000 It's like there's a whole system.

00:08:02.000 It's a whole system, and it trickles down right to the vegetation and the ecosystem.

00:08:07.000 You know this.

00:08:09.000 If they remove the wolves, then the elk and caribou herds expand, and they start eating all the growth on the riverbanks, causing erosion.

00:08:19.000 The rivers flatten out.

00:08:21.000 So you have to have those predators.

00:08:23.000 So I'm glad they're eating half, and if they're listening, eat three quarters.

00:08:27.000 If they weren't eating half, we would be overrun by deer and elk.

00:08:33.000 You'd have a situation where you have, like in New Zealand, where they have to fly over the hills and just gun them down.

00:08:39.000 Moose in New Zealand?

00:08:40.000 New Zealand's a wild place.

00:08:43.000 Literally, but it's beautiful.

00:08:45.000 So beautiful.

00:08:46.000 Elves.

00:08:47.000 They got there in, I guess, the 1700s or something like that?

00:08:51.000 Maybe the 1800s?

00:08:52.000 And these European settlers, these European explorers, like, this place is so beautiful, but it doesn't have any things for us to kill. 0.93

00:08:59.000 Why don't we bring in a bunch of wild animals from Europe that we like to kill? 1.00

00:09:03.000 And so they turned it into like a wild game safari park for hunting.

00:09:08.000 Shizu.

00:09:09.000 Yeah, so there's all these animals like stags and all these different kinds of deer, all these animals that are not supposed to be in New Zealand.

00:09:16.000 Yeah.

00:09:17.000 And they're everywhere.

00:09:18.000 It's overwhelming.

00:09:19.000 Like if you buy elk, like if you go to a restaurant and you buy elk tenderloin, most likely that elk is coming from New Zealand.

00:09:25.000 No.

00:09:26.000 Yeah.

00:09:27.000 There's elk in New Zealand?

00:09:28.000 A lot of elk in New Zealand.

00:09:29.000 And they probably are allowed to consider stag elk, too.

00:09:34.000 That's a good question.

00:09:35.000 I don't know.

00:09:36.000 They're so similar.

00:09:37.000 They're such a similar animal.

00:09:38.000 They probably taste exactly the same.

00:09:42.000 Elk have a cool sound, but stags have a really cool...

00:09:45.000 Stags sound like a lion.

00:09:46.000 You ever heard a stag roar?

00:09:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:49.000 It's really fucking cool. 0.98

00:09:50.000 And when they mate, the male elks do that whistle. 0.99

00:09:54.000 You know, that sounds like they're playing a piccolo.

00:09:58.000 Listen to this.

00:10:04.000 What a weird noise.

00:10:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:09.000 Look at his penis going up and down. 1.00

00:10:16.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:10:16.000 They jizz all over themselves. 1.00

00:10:17.000 Wow.

00:10:19.000 Wow.

00:10:19.000 I've seen elk do it where they just piss all over themselves while they're screaming.

00:10:23.000 They're screaming.

00:10:24.000 Elks are even cooler.

00:10:25.000 Give me an elk bugle.

00:10:27.000 Elk bugle, I think, is the coolest sound in the world.

00:10:30.000 Oh, me?

00:10:30.000 Bro, if you didn't know, if you didn't know, if you were in the dark, and you were in camping, and you had an elk bugle, and you didn't know what that was, you'd think, oh my god, there's monsters out here.

00:10:40.000 Yeah.

00:10:41.000 Yeah, there it is.

00:10:43.000 Couldn't you imagine that being a monster?

00:10:45.000 Yeah.

00:10:46.000 Yeah.

00:10:47.000 It's sort of like an instrument.

00:10:52.000 Imagine if it's dark out, you hear that? 1.00

00:10:55.000 You're like, fuck! 1.00

00:10:56.000 It's demons! 1.00

00:11:01.000 Yeah, that's kind of haunting and scary.

00:11:04.000 That's the greatest animal life.

00:11:05.000 And then they go into...

00:11:06.000 The big cats go into Fleming.

00:11:11.000 You know this?

00:11:12.000 Fleming?

00:11:13.000 I ran into problems with girlfriends because of this.

00:11:15.000 It's like when the female lions or the leopards, they get ripe.

00:11:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:21.000 Ready to party.

00:11:22.000 Let's go.

00:11:23.000 The lions and the cheetahs, they do this thing where they smell the female scent and they go...

00:11:30.000 You know, they do this thing where they curl their lip up.

00:11:33.000 Yeah.

00:11:34.000 And it's like a sexual thing.

00:11:35.000 And for some reason, I don't know why, but I do that when I'm about to get into some lovemaking.

00:11:41.000 You do a little bit of that?

00:11:42.000 Do you, like, embody the lion?

00:11:44.000 I don't know.

00:11:45.000 I just have the thing.

00:11:46.000 You feel it?

00:11:47.000 And they never stick around.

00:11:49.000 Yeah.

00:11:50.000 Yeah.

00:11:50.000 Fleming response takes place when one lion of either sex sniffs or smells the urine of another.

00:11:55.000 Chemicals and hormones contained in the urine elicit the Fleming response.

00:11:59.000 Usually after smelling the urine patch on the ground or vegetation, the cat is doing the smelling, will lift his or her head and hold their lips back in a strong grimace.

00:12:08.000 Let me see it.

00:12:11.000 That's just like him, look.

00:12:13.000 I gotta start dating girls that wipe, I guess. 1.00

00:12:16.000 Look at that face. 0.99

00:12:17.000 That urine. 1.00

00:12:18.000 Imagine looking at that right before it fucking closes down on your neck. 1.00

00:12:23.000 And go, oh yeah, I'm not getting out of this. 0.99

00:12:25.000 There's fucking no escape. 0.98

00:12:26.000 There's no hip escape. 0.99

00:12:27.000 There's no jiu-jitsu move.

00:12:30.000 There's no poking in the eye.

00:12:33.000 That's a wrap.

00:12:33.000 It's a wrap.

00:12:34.000 Look at that mouth. 0.99

00:12:35.000 That is a wrap.

00:12:36.000 A wrapity wrap.

00:12:37.000 I had a moment when I was on safari in Africa where it's the only time in my life I started shaking.

00:12:45.000 We were on a private Land Rover.

00:12:48.000 We came up on two male lions that had just made a kill.

00:12:52.000 We were literally probably...

00:12:55.000 I'd say 25 feet from them.

00:12:58.000 And one of them got up, and we're in the open Land Rover, right?

00:13:01.000 With no protection, no windows. 1.00

00:13:03.000 That is such bullshit. 0.99

00:13:04.000 So we got the guy driving from our camp, and this thing, one of them got up, walked halfway to us, and just did that burning stare with its golden eyes. 1.00

00:13:16.000 Oh my god.

00:13:17.000 And I was holding my hand, because it was one of the few times in my life I felt like I was in death's door.

00:13:25.000 Like, that lion could have been on me in two seconds, and it was terrifying but exhilarating at the same time.

00:13:32.000 How do they know that the lions won't jump into the cab and pull people out?

00:13:37.000 They get acclimated to these kind of clunky things.

00:13:42.000 Look, believe me, I know nature's unpredictable.

00:13:45.000 How much trust do you have to have?

00:13:47.000 Well, I said to our driver, he was parked in front of a stump.

00:13:50.000 I said to him, I said, dude, I know you do this every day.

00:13:54.000 Get away from the stump.

00:13:55.000 We need to have an exit strategy.

00:13:58.000 And so he goes, oh, we'll be fine.

00:13:59.000 I said, no, move from the stump.

00:14:02.000 Because nature, you don't know when nature's going to do that.

00:14:04.000 Did you know that it was going to be an open air thing?

00:14:07.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:14:08.000 And you were cool with that?

00:14:09.000 Yeah, it's beautiful.

00:14:10.000 But I didn't know we were going to come up on two male lions that were in the middle of eating a wildebeest and be the only ones there and like 25 feet away, and one of them was going to shorten the distance by half.

00:14:23.000 Ugh.

00:14:25.000 God.

00:14:26.000 Was this before or after the lady from Game of Thrones, who was the video editor?

00:14:30.000 She was one of the video editors of Game of Thrones.

00:14:32.000 She got pulled out of a car by a lion.

00:14:34.000 Oh, she did?

00:14:35.000 Yeah, she got killed.

00:14:35.000 Well, there you go.

00:14:36.000 There's your answer.

00:14:37.000 Yeah, it can happen.

00:14:38.000 I think it was a different situation, though.

00:14:40.000 I don't think they were acclimated to the open-air ones, because in this one, it was cars, and she rolled her window down to reach out to take a picture, and the cat just snatched her. 1.00

00:14:51.000 Oh, idiot. 1.00

00:14:52.000 It's like a toy. 1.00

00:14:54.000 I mean, you're basically rolling a piece of yarn.

00:14:56.000 If a cat sees a thing that he couldn't get, but now he can get it, their instinct is just to get it.

00:15:03.000 Even if they never would do that, if the windows were rolled down from the beginning, the moment they see you peeking out, you're basically dangling.

00:15:12.000 Oh, it's just a video of it?

00:15:14.000 No, it's just a picture.

00:15:15.000 This is how it happened?

00:15:17.000 Oh God, that's so horrible, man.

00:15:20.000 Oh my god, look how big that thing is. 1.00

00:15:22.000 Imagine that pulling you out of the fucking car. 1.00

00:15:24.000 Oh my god. 0.99

00:15:26.000 So I was in Florida once and I was doing a gig like on one side of Florida and had to cross over to the other side.

00:15:34.000 Whoa.

00:15:35.000 And in between...

00:15:36.000 Were you walking?

00:15:36.000 No, no, no.

00:15:39.000 Daddy, here's where it got clunky, right?

00:15:41.000 I rented a convertible, right?

00:15:43.000 Because it's Florida.

00:15:45.000 So I had time to kill, so I looked on the thing.

00:15:48.000 Halfway across, there's a lion safari where you can drive through, right?

00:15:53.000 And you drove through in a convertible?

00:15:54.000 No, so I pulled up, and they said, Sir, you can't go through with a convertible, but for ten extra dollars, we'll rent you one of our little junkers.

00:16:05.000 And the junkers were painted like a zebra because it was a lion park. 1.00

00:16:09.000 So they painted them with stripes. 0.99

00:16:11.000 It was like a piece of crap that was just meant to go through the two-mile park and out. 0.97

00:16:16.000 So it's like a million degrees. 1.00

00:16:17.000 It's Florida.

00:16:18.000 It's Tuesday at one in the afternoon.

00:16:21.000 No one's there because I'm cutting across the country.

00:16:25.000 This is like a weekend place.

00:16:26.000 They put me in this zebramobile.

00:16:30.000 I'm all alone in this park.

00:16:32.000 I get right in the middle of the lion thing.

00:16:34.000 There's like 60 lions.

00:16:36.000 The car conks out.

00:16:39.000 300 degrees.

00:16:40.000 No AC because it's an old junker.

00:16:42.000 And I just got 60 lions just going, zebra?

00:16:47.000 And I'm just sitting there.

00:16:48.000 No one's coming.

00:16:50.000 Daddy's sitting there in the prize.

00:16:52.000 How long did you have to sit there for?

00:16:53.000 I sat there for about 15-20 minutes until they came, and I got to crack the window because it's like a dog in a Walmart parking lot.

00:17:02.000 And I'm sitting there going, I'm a zebra!

00:17:06.000 I'm sitting there, I'm a zebra!

00:17:07.000 You could die of heat exposure in there.

00:17:09.000 Or by getting mauled by a pride alliance. 0.99

00:17:11.000 Does that mean they're gay if it's a pride alliance, by the way? 0.88

00:17:14.000 No, pride isn't always gay. 0.97

00:17:16.000 Okay, they look gay to me. 0.65

00:17:17.000 Pride didn't used to be gay. 0.99

00:17:18.000 It used to be like, you're proud or something.

00:17:20.000 One of them had their hair fluffed out. 0.98

00:17:22.000 He looks pretty gay. 0.96

00:17:23.000 It's actually in the Bible. 0.99

00:17:25.000 Lions, they're gay? 0.98

00:17:26.000 Pride. 0.91

00:17:27.000 It's not good.

00:17:29.000 Wait.

00:17:30.000 Is it the same thing?

00:17:31.000 Is it the same thing?

00:17:32.000 I don't know.

00:17:32.000 It's in the Bible.

00:17:33.000 It's one of the sins.

00:17:35.000 What, pride?

00:17:36.000 Yeah.

00:17:36.000 Oh yeah, it's one of the...

00:17:38.000 Yeah, there's six like...

00:17:40.000 So why would you make a thing that is like, I have American pride.

00:17:45.000 I love America.

00:17:46.000 I do have American pride.

00:17:47.000 I'm a patriot.

00:17:48.000 I think this is an amazing place.

00:17:50.000 Yeah.

00:17:51.000 So I have pride.

00:17:53.000 So does that mean I'm gay or does it mean I'm sinning?

00:17:59.000 Well, if it's just the verb, you're just...

00:18:02.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:18:03.000 It's like, what a flexible word. 0.99

00:18:04.000 If you're trying to learn American English, like how we use things, like just English, and you spoke another language that was more logical, you'd be like, what the fuck? 0.92

00:18:13.000 Why don't you have different words? 0.94

00:18:15.000 Why do you have the same word that means such different things?

00:18:18.000 Like the word rose.

00:18:19.000 Isn't there like seven different meanings for the word rose?

00:18:22.000 Well, there's the flower.

00:18:24.000 The rose up.

00:18:25.000 Rose of corn.

00:18:26.000 Right?

00:18:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:18:27.000 Like, it's just like...

00:18:28.000 Right.

00:18:29.000 I didn't think of rose of corn.

00:18:31.000 Yeah.

00:18:31.000 Yeah, rose the boat.

00:18:33.000 Yeah.

00:18:33.000 Oh, my God.

00:18:34.000 There's so many. 1.00

00:18:35.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:18:36.000 Well, there's two there. 1.00

00:18:37.000 There's R-O-S-E and R-O-W-S. Same sound.

00:18:41.000 Same thing, yeah.

00:18:41.000 Did you run out of sounds?

00:18:42.000 Yeah, you could have called...

00:18:43.000 Obviously you didn't.

00:18:44.000 They're making new pronoun sounds every day.

00:18:46.000 Yeah, you could have called rows of corn like clonk of corn. 0.89

00:18:49.000 Yeah, something that doesn't make me fucking confused.

00:18:53.000 Especially if I'm learning the language, like I speak Portuguese or something, like, hold on my friend, you say the same word? 0.99

00:18:59.000 Like, what the fuck are you saying? 0.99

00:19:00.000 What a goofy... 1.00

00:19:01.000 You need so much context to be able to, like, figure out... 0.97

00:19:05.000 I think English is supposed to be one of the most difficult languages to learn.

00:19:10.000 I think Russian's very hard.

00:19:11.000 Chinese is very hard.

00:19:13.000 Mandarin's very hard.

00:19:14.000 Manatee?

00:19:15.000 Is that what you said?

00:19:15.000 Mandarin.

00:19:16.000 Like Chinese. 1.00

00:19:17.000 Oh, God.

00:19:18.000 Imagine, like, you can speak it, but you can't read it or write it.

00:19:23.000 Because that happens with a lot of Asian languages.

00:19:24.000 Like, to learn Japanese.

00:19:27.000 It's like, speaking Japanese is hard, but now you have to learn how to read it and write it?

00:19:31.000 Like, that's extra hard.

00:19:32.000 I got a story for you about that a little later.

00:19:35.000 Did you learn Japanese?

00:19:37.000 Well, Vietnamese. 0.98

00:19:38.000 Did you?

00:19:38.000 I sort of had to.

00:19:40.000 Were you in Nam?

00:19:41.000 Yeah.

00:19:45.000 Possibly.

00:19:46.000 I did two tours in Nam.

00:19:48.000 And I gotta say, Sunquest bus lines.

00:19:51.000 The best tours.

00:19:52.000 Oh, God.

00:19:53.000 Air-conditioned buses.

00:19:55.000 It's another thing.

00:19:56.000 Two tours.

00:19:56.000 Yeah.

00:19:57.000 Right?

00:19:58.000 Tours.

00:19:58.000 Yeah.

00:19:59.000 Very different meaning if you're talking about Vietnam in 1967. Huge difference.

00:20:03.000 Big difference.

00:20:04.000 And I found out.

00:20:06.000 Do you mind if I just dip into...

00:20:12.000 I brought a little something.

00:20:13.000 I have to do it about every 20 minutes.

00:20:15.000 I do apologize.

00:20:16.000 What is it?

00:20:17.000 I have to have an eating thing I have to do.

00:20:20.000 Really?

00:20:21.000 Well, if you don't mind.

00:20:22.000 No, no, not at all.

00:20:23.000 No.

00:20:23.000 Thank you.

00:20:23.000 Oh, God.

00:20:24.000 What is your eating thing?

00:20:29.000 I'm a little embarrassed.

00:20:35.000 I have a tapeworm.

00:20:36.000 For real?

00:20:37.000 Yeah.

00:20:39.000 It's almost four feet.

00:20:41.000 Have you ever had one?

00:20:42.000 You really do?

00:20:43.000 Yeah.

00:20:44.000 I never know with you, you know?

00:20:45.000 I don't know if I should feel bad or stop mocking you.

00:20:48.000 Well, you can do whatever.

00:20:50.000 I don't even want to bring it up.

00:20:51.000 But I don't know if I feel bad if it's true.

00:20:52.000 You have a real tapeworm?

00:20:53.000 I do.

00:20:54.000 How'd you get it, do you think?

00:20:55.000 I was in the Galapagos Islands recently, and they have a rodent over there called the Bermuda eel rat, and it's not a documented species, it's the local jargon.

00:21:12.000 Everything evolves.

00:21:15.000 As you know, through Darwin, everything evolved over in the Galapagos.

00:21:20.000 The tortoises, everything.

00:21:22.000 It's a unique place where evolution took place.

00:21:25.000 And I guess this rat became a bit elongated, its spine.

00:21:29.000 And so they call it the...

00:21:30.000 It came originally off a Bermuda-like transport ship or something.

00:21:37.000 And so they eat it over there. 0.98

00:21:41.000 And I ate the damn thing and I got a parasite that led to a tapeworm. 0.99

00:21:45.000 And she's about a four-footer. 1.00

00:21:47.000 What do they do to get it out?

00:21:50.000 Well, they have pills.

00:21:56.000 But, I don't even know if I should talk about this, but it's a little odd.

00:22:00.000 I sort of got attached to the little fella. 0.97

00:22:03.000 Oh, you like having it now?

00:22:04.000 Well, you know, we hear all this talk about, you know, women and men, and men can have babies.

00:22:10.000 They're telling men they can have children. 0.99

00:22:11.000 So you got a little baby tape for him.

00:22:13.000 Well, let's just say I have something living inside me and I sort of like it.

00:22:19.000 I sort of like, sometimes I can feel it moving around.

00:22:23.000 Sometimes I'll put a piece of cheese in the bed at night and it'll come out and I feel like I have a tail.

00:22:31.000 And so what I have to do is I have to...

00:22:34.000 I have to eat...

00:22:36.000 Celery.

00:22:36.000 Well, what it does, it reacts to the vibration of sound, and celery's kind of got the best kind of crunch, and it kind of settles the guy down.

00:22:52.000 Okay.

00:22:53.000 I just need to take a couple of bites.

00:22:55.000 Okay.

00:22:55.000 Go ahead, Drew.

00:23:03.000 Well, if you're gonna laugh.

00:23:08.000 You have to do this about every 20 minutes.

00:23:11.000 For the tapeworm.

00:23:13.000 Yeah.

00:23:14.000 Settles him down.

00:23:17.000 I think you're going to a bad doctor.

00:23:19.000 I think you're getting bad advice.

00:23:21.000 No, I just mean for me.

00:23:23.000 For you.

00:23:23.000 This is like a self-medicating...

00:23:25.000 Yeah, I think they can get rid of those things, man.

00:23:27.000 No, but what I'm saying, I've grown attached to Dimitri.

00:23:30.000 I understand.

00:23:30.000 I like little Dimitri.

00:23:32.000 He's probably like...

00:23:34.000 Um, you know, have a forced labor. 0.81

00:23:38.000 But I like Dimitri.

00:23:39.000 Yeah, but you can't keep a baby inside you forever.

00:23:41.000 The whole idea is the baby gets born and then it goes out.

00:23:43.000 Hold on, Dr. Spock. 0.87

00:23:46.000 These suckers can grow up to 30 feet long. 0.76

00:23:48.000 Mine's a four-footer. 0.84

00:23:50.000 Can they really get that big?

00:23:52.000 How do they know how big yours is?

00:23:53.000 Would they do an MRI or something?

00:23:56.000 Well, we did an ultrasound.

00:23:58.000 And they could see the tapeworm inside of you?

00:24:00.000 You could see it.

00:24:00.000 Do you have a picture of that?

00:24:02.000 I don't have a picture handy.

00:24:03.000 How do you not have a picture on your phone of that?

00:24:05.000 I've got my kid, little Dimitri.

00:24:07.000 Yeah, seems like you'd be really sad if you didn't have a picture of him.

00:24:11.000 I've got to bring one in.

00:24:12.000 When I come back next week, I'll bring one in.

00:24:15.000 Tapeworms or cestotodes could range in length one meter up to 50 feet.

00:24:23.000 50 feet, dude.

00:24:24.000 15 meters.

00:24:25.000 The length and width of the tapeworms can vary depending upon the species.

00:24:29.000 Wow.

00:24:31.000 Pork, beef, fish tapeworms can grow to be 15 to 30 feet.

00:24:34.000 And Bermuda eel rats.

00:24:36.000 Yeah.

00:24:37.000 Do they have that there?

00:24:38.000 How'd that rat taste?

00:24:39.000 You know, it's kind of good.

00:24:41.000 They season it up with the Galapagos seasoning.

00:24:45.000 It's kind of like blackened catfish, but it's like Galapagos seasoning.

00:24:49.000 So you think all those people that live there probably have tapeworms?

00:24:51.000 I don't know if they have it, but I sure got it.

00:24:53.000 They have to have it.

00:24:55.000 If you got it, that must mean everybody has it.

00:24:58.000 Unbelievable. 0.65

00:24:59.000 There's places in the world, especially tropical places, where most people have some kind of parasite.

00:25:06.000 It just becomes a part of your body.

00:25:10.000 You now exist with that thing in you.

00:25:13.000 Forever.

00:25:15.000 You know?

00:25:16.000 Have you ever had a tapeworm?

00:25:17.000 No, I have not.

00:25:18.000 Do you want one?

00:25:19.000 No, thanks.

00:25:21.000 What's the worst thing you've ever had?

00:25:23.000 Like the worst weird ailment?

00:25:25.000 Staph infection.

00:25:26.000 No way.

00:25:26.000 How many people on your staff?

00:25:30.000 It was a small business.

00:25:32.000 Wow.

00:25:33.000 Yeah.

00:25:33.000 Wow.

00:25:34.000 Yeah, just one employee.

00:25:35.000 What's a staph infection?

00:25:37.000 It's an infection that you get on your skin.

00:25:42.000 It's like a bacterial infection?

00:25:44.000 Exactly.

00:25:45.000 It's really common in jujitsu, and a lot of people get it, and they don't recognize it.

00:25:49.000 Ari actually had it, and Ari didn't know he had it until I pointed it out.

00:25:54.000 And we got him to the hospital like right away.

00:25:56.000 Ari and I were playing pool and he was limping.

00:25:58.000 I'm like, why are you limping?

00:25:59.000 And he goes, I got a spider bite.

00:26:01.000 And I go, let me see it.

00:26:02.000 And he pulls his pants up and his knee, he has this swollen like pimple on his knee and the pus at the end of it.

00:26:08.000 I go, dude, you have a staph infection.

00:26:10.000 I go, we got to get you to the hospital right now.

00:26:12.000 He goes, are you serious?

00:26:13.000 Is it lethal?

00:26:14.000 Yeah.

00:26:14.000 It's lethal.

00:26:15.000 Yeah.

00:26:16.000 People die.

00:26:16.000 If it gets systemic, if staph infections get systemic, if your body becomes septic, like you could die.

00:26:22.000 Yeah, people have died from staph.

00:26:24.000 It happens all the time.

00:26:25.000 Yeah, people get it in hospitals a lot, don't they?

00:26:28.000 Yes, and unfortunately, in hospitals, they get something called MRSA, and MRSA is medication-resistant staph infection.

00:26:35.000 Wow, a lot of black gospel singers get that, I hear.

00:26:38.000 Mercy?

00:26:39.000 Oh, that's mercy.

00:26:40.000 I'm sorry.

00:26:41.000 What were you saying, Jamie?

00:26:43.000 Didn't you say something?

00:26:45.000 Oh, I thought I heard something.

00:26:47.000 I thought I heard something.

00:26:49.000 Yeah, I thought I heard one, too.

00:26:51.000 How many people a year die from staph infections?

00:26:55.000 I think it's a big number.

00:26:56.000 Wow.

00:26:57.000 I know quite a few people that have been deathly ill from staph infections and had to go to the hospital and get their legs cut open and get their legs drained.

00:27:07.000 Yeah.

00:27:08.000 Yeah, it's a horrible, horrible thing to watch.

00:27:10.000 Like, it eats holes in people.

00:27:12.000 You've watched staph infection surgeries?

00:27:15.000 No, no, no.

00:27:15.000 I mean, I've seen them online.

00:27:17.000 2017, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported that almost 20,000 people in the United States died from bloodstream infections caused by staph.

00:27:27.000 That's 2017. It killed 20,000 people.

00:27:31.000 Yeah, so that's the worst thing I've had, for sure.

00:27:34.000 How long did it last?

00:27:35.000 Didn't last very long, because I caught it.

00:27:37.000 I got real lucky.

00:27:38.000 I caught it quick.

00:27:39.000 I was at an airport with my friend Tate, and I had these little pimples on my calf.

00:27:44.000 And he goes, hey, what is that on your calf?

00:27:48.000 I go, I don't know, something.

00:27:49.000 And he goes, did I think that's staph?

00:27:50.000 I go, really?

00:27:51.000 He goes, yeah, you should get it looked at.

00:27:53.000 So immediately I went to the dermatologist, and he's like, yeah, it looks like staph.

00:27:57.000 And he put me in antibiotics before they even got the results of the test back.

00:28:00.000 He put you on it, not your cow. 0.52

00:28:03.000 My cow. 1.00

00:28:04.000 I thought you said your calf.

00:28:06.000 Calf, like leg.

00:28:07.000 Part of your leg.

00:28:09.000 That one, you really went out there with that one.

00:28:16.000 That's the worst thing.

00:28:17.000 Do you really have a tapeworm?

00:28:18.000 I do.

00:28:19.000 For real?

00:28:19.000 Yes.

00:28:20.000 Please.

00:28:21.000 Do they have you on ivermectin?

00:28:23.000 What do they have you on?

00:28:25.000 You can't get it. 1.00

00:28:27.000 All they do is kill it.

00:28:29.000 It can live in your system, they told me, for your whole life. 0.96

00:28:32.000 Right.

00:28:33.000 Yeah, have you ever seen bears? 0.99

00:28:34.000 They have them, like, sticking out of their ass? 0.99

00:28:36.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:28:36.000 Like a fucking hose, like a garden hose, just hanging down. 1.00

00:28:40.000 You ever seen the worms that come out of praying mantises? 1.00

00:28:43.000 Oh, yeah, that's disgusting.

00:28:44.000 They're, like, huge. 0.98

00:28:45.000 Huge.

00:28:46.000 They put a praying mantis in water. 1.00

00:28:48.000 And that bastard must not have been praying enough because it's got a tapeworm longer than Dolly Parton's ass hair. 1.00

00:28:55.000 Not only that, those worms, those aquatic worms trick grasshoppers into drowning themselves. 1.00

00:28:59.000 Excuse me.

00:29:00.000 What are you doing, man?

00:29:01.000 Don't do that.

00:29:01.000 No, the pulp.

00:29:02.000 I know, but don't just grab it and put it on the table.

00:29:04.000 I know, but I felt like I was chewing cud.

00:29:07.000 Well, I put it on the other celery.

00:29:09.000 Okay.

00:29:10.000 I would never put cud on your table. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Just stop the celery. 0.64

00:29:13.000 Please.

00:29:13.000 Well, I don't want Dimitri to get upset.

00:29:17.000 You need to reach into your asshole and pull Dimitri out. 1.00

00:29:21.000 You need to, like, you know, with your shoulders down the ground, ass up here, just get in there and give birth. 1.00

00:29:31.000 Joseph, dial it down. 0.98

00:29:34.000 I'm not gonna...

00:29:36.000 Is he ever turtle on you?

00:29:38.000 Yes!

00:29:39.000 Does he?

00:29:39.000 That's why I call him Dimitri.

00:29:41.000 One night I put out a piece of feta cheese, the Greek stuff, and he went nuts, came out.

00:29:46.000 Came out, huh?

00:29:47.000 Have you ever seen a Burmese python?

00:29:50.000 Yes.

00:29:51.000 I had a lady friend over, and I guess little Dimitri got jealous, and I woke up, all I heard was...

00:29:58.000 He was choking there.

00:30:01.000 He was, yeah.

00:30:03.000 Unbelievable.

00:30:04.000 How are you laying?

00:30:06.000 Spooning.

00:30:08.000 Where's her face? 1.00

00:30:09.000 Is it right where your ass is? 1.00

00:30:10.000 Well, we spoon upside down. 1.00

00:30:12.000 I don't know if that makes sense.

00:30:13.000 She uses my nose like a bicycle rack. 1.00

00:30:16.000 You have to come out.

00:30:23.000 Yeah.

00:30:24.000 It's not pretty, but he's my boy. 1.00

00:30:28.000 How long is it going to take to kill him? 1.00

00:30:29.000 I don't want to kill him. 1.00

00:30:31.000 This is why I'm...

00:30:32.000 No, but for real, for real. 1.00

00:30:33.000 How long is it going to take to kill him? 1.00

00:30:34.000 Well, once you take those pills, you can kill it within about three days. 0.99

00:30:38.000 And you're not taking the pills?

00:30:40.000 No.

00:30:41.000 I'm telling you, guy.

00:30:42.000 You know, I feel like I have a boy inside me.

00:30:46.000 Wow, wait a minute.

00:30:47.000 Like a child.

00:30:49.000 Okay.

00:30:50.000 Well...

00:30:51.000 Good luck with that.

00:30:52.000 Thank you.

00:30:54.000 I want to see a photo of those bears.

00:30:56.000 The bears that have it.

00:30:58.000 It's so disgusting. 1.00

00:30:58.000 It looks like enormous spaghetti just falling out of their ass. 1.00

00:31:04.000 Have you ever been attacked by a bear? 1.00

00:31:05.000 No.

00:31:06.000 I'm here, right?

00:31:09.000 Look at that.

00:31:11.000 There are survivors. 1.00

00:31:12.000 Look at that tapeworm coming out of his asshole. 1.00

00:31:15.000 How crazy is that? 1.00

00:31:16.000 Whoa, looks like he just got married.

00:31:18.000 You should put tin cans on the end of those. 1.00

00:31:21.000 He's just hoping someone steps on it so he can pull it out of his ass. 1.00

00:31:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:25.000 Looks like he was parachuting and he landed and he's dragging the parachute.

00:31:30.000 I mean, how insane is that?

00:31:32.000 Wow. 0.99

00:31:33.000 I mean, their whole body is just a disgusting mess. 0.98

00:31:36.000 Yeah.

00:31:37.000 Like when you eat bears.

00:31:39.000 You eat bear?

00:31:40.000 Yeah, I've eaten bear.

00:31:41.000 Grizz, black bear, polar?

00:31:43.000 Black bear.

00:31:44.000 Black bear, not grizz?

00:31:45.000 No, I've never had one of those.

00:31:48.000 Why'd you eat black bear?

00:31:49.000 I hunted them.

00:31:50.000 Yeah.

00:31:51.000 Yeah, they have to.

00:31:52.000 But I heard it's kind of a musky kind of weird taste.

00:31:55.000 No, it really depends on what they've been eating.

00:31:58.000 But most, unfortunately, most of those bears are probably eating calves, moose calves and fawns, deer fawns.

00:32:07.000 They tasted good.

00:32:08.000 Black bears are kind of like goats though.

00:32:10.000 They'll eat just about anything.

00:32:12.000 They eat a lot.

00:32:13.000 Do you know that in the early days the pioneers used to eat bear and they'd use deer for skin?

00:32:18.000 Say again?

00:32:19.000 They just used deer skins.

00:32:19.000 They just used the hide from deer.

00:32:22.000 They were eating bear.

00:32:23.000 Oh, I see.

00:32:24.000 They ate bear more than they ate anything else.

00:32:26.000 Is that right?

00:32:26.000 Yeah, isn't that crazy?

00:32:27.000 Well, maybe there was a reason for that because the bear...

00:32:32.000 Was a threat to them. 0.77

00:32:34.000 So maybe it's like, let's kill the thing that could kill our cattle, or kill our children, and let's eat that, versus the docile... 0.98

00:32:43.000 This is just a theory I just came up with. 0.92

00:32:45.000 No, it's a good theory.

00:32:46.000 That makes sense. 0.95

00:32:46.000 You would definitely want to kill the thing that's killing your food. 0.95

00:32:49.000 And if you could eat it, too, all the better. 0.94

00:32:51.000 And apparently, they thought it tasted the most like beef, whereas venison was different.

00:32:56.000 Yeah, venison has its own taste.

00:32:58.000 Mm-hmm.

00:32:59.000 Yeah.

00:33:00.000 So they ate a lot of bear.

00:33:02.000 Black bears are dangerous, but grizzles are the one you gotta be careful about.

00:33:07.000 They're all dangerous, man.

00:33:08.000 They're all bears.

00:33:09.000 I don't know.

00:33:10.000 Can I share something with you?

00:33:12.000 Please do.

00:33:14.000 I'm a blueberry nut.

00:33:17.000 When blueberry season hits in early spring, I'm nuts about it.

00:33:22.000 How's Dimitri feel about that?

00:33:23.000 Well, he likes celery.

00:33:26.000 Don't give him berries.

00:33:29.000 How dare you make fun of my boy, Joe?

00:33:33.000 Anyway, blueberries?

00:33:34.000 So, this was about seven years ago.

00:33:37.000 I'm up on a hill in Banff, out in Canada, in the Rocky Mountains.

00:33:43.000 Grizz.

00:33:44.000 You know Grizz.

00:33:45.000 And I'll use a line from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

00:33:48.000 Remember Karakadis Potts?

00:33:50.000 He was the father to Dick Van Dyke.

00:33:53.000 And he used this line where he's singing, he goes, he's doing a song in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and he does a line where he goes, and the bear came a lollipin' over the mountain.

00:34:04.000 And I'm sitting there picking blueberries, and this behemoth comes flying over the hill.

00:34:11.000 So that was a grizzly bear.

00:34:12.000 It was a grizz.

00:34:13.000 And when they attack, they roll you.

00:34:17.000 They roll and claw.

00:34:20.000 And I've never done this, but... 1.00

00:34:24.000 You're such a dork. 1.00

00:34:31.000 What do you mean? 1.00

00:34:36.000 Well... 0.99

00:34:37.000 Is that a real fucking tattoo? 0.99

00:34:40.000 Let me see that again. 1.00

00:34:42.000 Let me see that again.

00:34:43.000 Dude, this is not easy for me to talk about.

00:34:46.000 Let me see...

00:34:47.000 The bear came a-looping over the mountain.

00:34:53.000 And, uh...

00:34:54.000 That tattoo belongs to a mechanic in Idaho, and you need to give it back to him.

00:35:02.000 So...

00:35:05.000 Let me see it again.

00:35:06.000 What the?

00:35:07.000 Let me see it again.

00:35:08.000 The bear came a-lolloping over the mountain.

00:35:13.000 What?

00:35:15.000 How dare you, sir?

00:35:16.000 Is that the longest anyone's ever gone for a gag?

00:35:19.000 That's- that is- yeah, that's the furthest anyone's ever gone.

00:35:22.000 You actually got it tattooed on your chest.

00:35:24.000 Well, hang on, guy.

00:35:26.000 I'm trying to tell you I got attacked by a grizz. 1.00

00:35:32.000 You know what?

00:35:39.000 Oh my god!

00:35:43.000 Probably the bear herdy chewing celery. 0.95

00:35:46.000 And you know what I did?

00:35:47.000 I did a thing, I invented it called the jelly roll.

00:35:50.000 Because I'm in the blueberries.

00:35:52.000 The only way to evade the grizz, I roll down the hill. 0.98

00:35:56.000 He's ripping my chest straight down the hill into a river.

00:36:01.000 Boom.

00:36:01.000 Bouncing around like Moses with tuberculosis teeth.

00:36:05.000 You're making jelly as you roll through the blueberries.

00:36:07.000 Yeah, I'm crushing the, yeah. 1.00

00:36:10.000 And this bear was just befuddled, just stood there, looked like Forrest Gump with a Chinese dildo up his ass. 0.99

00:36:22.000 Now, mountain lion, on the other hand, can I share something with you? 0.99

00:36:28.000 Does this involve another tattoo?

00:36:30.000 Well, no, the mountain lion... 0.99

00:36:34.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

00:36:36.000 Did you glue those on? 1.00

00:36:38.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99

00:36:41.000 The mountain lion scrapes. 1.00

00:36:44.000 He digs in with his claws.

00:36:48.000 What is wrong with you?

00:36:52.000 Have adventure stories in nature?

00:36:55.000 Yeah, that makeup artist, whoever did that, they're like from the Twilight Zone.

00:37:00.000 Same person.

00:37:01.000 Same person who did that alien's head.

00:37:05.000 It fell off.

00:37:07.000 Hey, you're healing by the power of Jesus.

00:37:09.000 Oh, God.

00:37:12.000 You're healing.

00:37:13.000 Yeah.

00:37:15.000 But here's where I talked to you earlier about learning Mandarin.

00:37:21.000 Here's the difference between the evolution of nature, mammals, critters, and human beings.

00:37:30.000 Cut to about eight years ago.

00:37:34.000 I'm on the Mackenzie River, and there's white water like you wouldn't believe.

00:37:40.000 Little Vietnamese boy named Kimmy Long Wow.

00:37:44.000 Freckles on his face.

00:37:46.000 Unbelievable.

00:37:49.000 Tips.

00:37:49.000 Okay?

00:37:51.000 Bears, wild cats, they just scratch. 0.95

00:37:56.000 The ingenuity, the intelligence of a human.

00:37:59.000 I jump in, grab little Kimmy Long Wow, he starts scratching me.

00:38:04.000 Can I show you something?

00:38:07.000 Look at this. 0.96

00:38:10.000 This kid scratched the shit out of me and even in a panic state, I had to learn Mandarin. 0.99

00:38:21.000 This was the night before Christmas. 0.98

00:38:27.000 Well...

00:38:27.000 Jeez, man.

00:38:34.000 Unbelievable.

00:38:35.000 What was his name again?

00:38:36.000 Little Kimmy Long Wow.

00:38:38.000 He had freckles on his face.

00:38:40.000 It looked like Dolly Parton serving apple cobbler if you joined them.

00:38:46.000 He was Vietnamese?

00:38:47.000 Vietnamese boy, Kimmy Long Wow.

00:38:49.000 Why would a Vietnamese kid have freckles? 1.00

00:38:50.000 It seems uncommon.

00:38:51.000 That's what was so weird.

00:38:52.000 That's how he stood out amongst all the other boys.

00:38:55.000 He's like a child of an American GI. I don't know, but just unbelievable kid.

00:38:59.000 To see a little Vietnamese boy with freckles, you don't get that.

00:39:04.000 How many American, like that was always a thing, like those Chuck Norris action movies, remember? 0.91

00:39:11.000 Like Missing in Action?

00:39:12.000 Yeah.

00:39:13.000 It was always about guys that were still stuck over there and we had to go get them.

00:39:16.000 Yeah.

00:39:16.000 Everybody kind of forgot about that.

00:39:18.000 Are those the guys that inspired you?

00:39:20.000 Like Norris?

00:39:21.000 Oh yeah, definitely.

00:39:22.000 Yeah, Bruce Lee.

00:39:23.000 Like when you were a kid, did you sneak into the movies?

00:39:25.000 I went to the movies.

00:39:26.000 And it was on television, too, when I was a kid.

00:39:29.000 The first Bruce Lee movie I ever saw was on television.

00:39:31.000 I couldn't believe it.

00:39:33.000 I was like, look at that guy.

00:39:34.000 That's insane.

00:39:35.000 How's he doing that?

00:39:36.000 But those missing in action movies was all about missing POWs.

00:39:42.000 And that was always a thing.

00:39:44.000 The POWs from Vietnam got left behind.

00:39:48.000 And Chuck Norris is going to go back and get them and set them free.

00:39:53.000 How many POWs got left behind in Vietnam? 0.99

00:39:55.000 Because that's a fucking real thing, man. 1.00

00:39:58.000 Not only was it a bullshit war, but people went over there and they left them there. 1.00

00:40:02.000 John McCain, remember him? 0.99

00:40:04.000 The politician?

00:40:05.000 Yeah, he was a prisoner for years. 1.00

00:40:07.000 His shoulders were all fucked up. 0.98

00:40:09.000 Yeah, he couldn't put his arms down. 0.99

00:40:12.000 I remember I went on a rollercoaster with him once, and at the end of it, I was like, guy, it's done.

00:40:18.000 And he was still... 0.99

00:40:21.000 That's how crazy Trump is. 0.98

00:40:22.000 Trump made fun of him getting caught. 0.99

00:40:24.000 Yeah.

00:40:26.000 No, Trump said, well, I like guys that didn't get caught. 1.00

00:40:29.000 What the fuck are you saying? 0.99

00:40:32.000 Like, you were going to run away? 1.00

00:40:33.000 You would run away?

00:40:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:36.000 If you're his enemy, he doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:40:38.000 He'll just say anything. 1.00

00:40:40.000 You're skewered.

00:40:41.000 You're skewered.

00:40:42.000 Even if it doesn't make any sense, they'll say it.

00:40:45.000 Like, what?

00:40:45.000 Guys who don't get caught.

00:40:46.000 What?

00:40:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:47.000 How can you fucking say that about a war hero? 0.99

00:40:50.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:50.000 Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:40:51.000 That's true.

00:40:52.000 It's wild. 0.95

00:40:53.000 Crazy, but he's my enemy. 1.00

00:40:55.000 Fuck him. 1.00

00:40:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:40:56.000 No holds barred.

00:40:59.000 Battle mode.

00:41:00.000 How many American soldiers got left behind in Vietnam?

00:41:04.000 I was trying to find a...

00:41:06.000 And this is, by the way, they're not going to tell you the real number, right?

00:41:09.000 They're not?

00:41:10.000 No, they didn't tell you why we're going into the war in the first place.

00:41:13.000 I'm sure that even the death count is probably disputed.

00:41:16.000 Who knows?

00:41:17.000 Have you ever romanticized being in combat like that, even though it's the death zone?

00:41:23.000 Have you ever, like, because you're a hunter, you're skilled with the rifle.

00:41:27.000 Have you ever sort of imaginary, like, immersed yourself into a Vietnamese, like, battle scene?

00:41:35.000 No.

00:41:36.000 Nor could I imagine those guys who got conscripted.

00:41:40.000 They got drafted.

00:41:41.000 So you didn't even want to do it.

00:41:42.000 Maybe you just wanted to build cars.

00:41:44.000 Maybe you wanted to be a painter.

00:41:45.000 And all of a sudden, you're over there with a rifle, and you're in the dark, in the jungle.

00:41:50.000 But does the hunter side of you go in there and imagine you could excel in that environment?

00:41:58.000 No.

00:41:58.000 The hunter is a totally different experience.

00:42:01.000 The hunting side of me is like...

00:42:04.000 Dipping my toe into the natural world.

00:42:07.000 Like getting my food the hard way.

00:42:10.000 The hunter in me is going out and finding food and interacting with nature.

00:42:16.000 But the elk are not my enemy.

00:42:18.000 I love them.

00:42:19.000 Right, but is there a thrill to the kill, though?

00:42:21.000 There has to be a moment of sort of adrenaline and jubilation when man conquers beast?

00:42:28.000 Does that exist?

00:42:29.000 No, the thrill is that you pulled off a difficult thing.

00:42:31.000 It's very hard to do.

00:42:33.000 And it's very hard to make a shot with a bow and arrow on an animal.

00:42:36.000 It's hard.

00:42:37.000 And a lethal shot.

00:42:38.000 And to be able to do it consistently.

00:42:41.000 To do it every time you hunt to be able to make a lethal shot.

00:42:44.000 And I'm talking about it like 50 yards, 60 yards.

00:42:47.000 Oh, wow.

00:42:47.000 Do you strictly use bow and arrow?

00:42:49.000 Yes.

00:42:49.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

00:42:50.000 I thought you had rifles too.

00:42:52.000 I shoot with rifles. 0.97

00:42:53.000 I killed a pig last year with a rifle. 0.85

00:42:55.000 Wow, what did the farmer say? 0.97

00:42:57.000 Turned him into sausage.

00:42:57.000 It was a wild one.

00:42:58.000 Oh, how big? 0.97

00:42:59.000 They actually had to kill him. 0.72

00:43:00.000 It was pretty big, 200 pounds.

00:43:01.000 Texas?

00:43:02.000 No, this was in California.

00:43:03.000 And so I ate him just the other day.

00:43:06.000 Was she SAG? No, it was a boy.

00:43:08.000 It was a boy pig. 0.92

00:43:09.000 No, I said, was she SAG? I know what you're saying. 0.94

00:43:13.000 California?

00:43:13.000 Is that a joke?

00:43:14.000 An actor joke?

00:43:14.000 Yeah.

00:43:17.000 Gotcha.

00:43:17.000 What was I saying, though?

00:43:18.000 What was I on about?

00:43:19.000 Well, you were talking about...

00:43:20.000 Oh, the hunting versus war.

00:43:23.000 War, to me, is insane.

00:43:24.000 I don't know.

00:43:25.000 War, to me, is like, I don't want to have nothing to do with that.

00:43:27.000 Really?

00:43:28.000 No.

00:43:29.000 There's no little piece of you that you're in the dark jungle.

00:43:32.000 That's someone's boy.

00:43:33.000 That's someone's baby boy.

00:43:35.000 I don't think of it even as a man.

00:43:37.000 It's someone's baby boy that I don't know.

00:43:40.000 That guy has parents, and they probably love him, and he probably has a wife, and she loves him, and he probably has friends, and they love him.

00:43:45.000 I like it that you said that. 0.98

00:43:46.000 And then some fucking politician is telling me that that guy's my enemy? 0.99

00:43:51.000 I bet that guy and I, if we could speak the language, we'd have a beer together and have a good time. 0.99

00:43:55.000 What a great answer.

00:43:55.000 He probably doesn't want to have anything to do with killing me, and I don't want to have anything to do with killing him.

00:43:59.000 And we're both being suckered into this thing by a bunch of assholes who are just making money. 1.00

00:44:03.000 I love that answer, Joe. 1.00

00:44:05.000 If I could fly over this table and hug you, I would.

00:44:08.000 We hug a lot.

00:44:09.000 But it reminds me of a movie.

00:44:10.000 Did you ever see this old movie with Lee Marvin?

00:44:14.000 And I can't remember the other actor.

00:44:16.000 He was a Japanese actor.

00:44:18.000 But this was a movie, I think, in the 60s, where they're both in the war.

00:44:22.000 The Japanese pilot and Lee Marvin, they both crashed on a remote island.

00:44:28.000 Supreme enemies.

00:44:30.000 And they only had each other.

00:44:32.000 And a box of sake somehow got stranded on the island.

00:44:36.000 And they became the best friends in the world.

00:44:39.000 And I think if everyone looked through that prism in life...

00:44:43.000 They would forget about all the war and the violence when you realize someone else is exactly like you.

00:44:49.000 Exactly like you.

00:44:49.000 And that you need someone else, and they have the same fears, desires, passions, and wants as you.

00:44:56.000 It's such a beautiful movie, you know?

00:44:58.000 We're all the freaking same.

00:45:00.000 Whenever you get into an altercation with someone you feel disliked towards someone, you should always just picture yourself trapped on an island with that person and go, You know what?

00:45:09.000 If I were alone with them, I would love them.

00:45:12.000 They'd be my best friend.

00:45:13.000 You'd figure it out.

00:45:14.000 It's a mental thing.

00:45:15.000 If everyone kind of adopted that mentality, I think things would be nice.

00:45:19.000 Things could be a lot better.

00:45:21.000 We're divided by so many things in this world.

00:45:24.000 We're divided by politics.

00:45:25.000 You hear Robert De Niro screaming in front of people about Trump. 0.96

00:45:30.000 Horrible.

00:45:30.000 What are you doing?

00:45:31.000 What is this? 0.99

00:45:32.000 This is silly behavior. 0.99

00:45:34.000 All this is so silly. 0.99

00:45:36.000 Not only that, labeling them, calling them clowns, and denigrating them, saying, you're less than me because I like this and you like that. 0.99

00:45:44.000 It's all insane. 0.86

00:45:45.000 Do you remember that there was a beautiful experiment done by Jane Elliott in the 1960s?

00:45:53.000 Where she took a classroom of children and she said all the children with brown eyes raise your hands and all the children with blue eyes raise your hands and she separated them.

00:46:03.000 And you can find it on YouTube.

00:46:06.000 She told all the blue-eyed children that they were beautiful, they were smarter, they were more superior than the brown-eyed children.

00:46:15.000 And she conducted this experiment for a week, and over the course of the days, the blue-eyed children started denigrating and looking down on the brown-eyed children and acting superior.

00:46:30.000 And then halfway through the experiment, Jane Elliott goes, oh, I made a mistake.

00:46:35.000 It's the brown-eyed children that are more superior, and so the whole thing shifted, and all the children in that class got to feel what it was like To be put down, to have racism towards them.

00:46:51.000 It was a fascinating experiment.

00:46:54.000 It's on YouTube.

00:46:55.000 If you ever want to watch it, it's mesmerizing. 0.99

00:46:58.000 It's an interesting experience, but what the fuck, lady? 1.00

00:47:01.000 You're playing tricks on kids? 0.99

00:47:02.000 Well, I think she was trying to...

00:47:05.000 I get you're demonstrating, but you're also tricking these kids into thinking that way.

00:47:09.000 Well, I think she was setting the table for them in life, saying, hey, don't think you're better than anyone.

00:47:15.000 We're all the same.

00:47:16.000 And don't let people tell you you're better than everyone.

00:47:21.000 And it was also a social experiment that was documented, too.

00:47:25.000 Would you let your kid do that?

00:47:27.000 Do that kind of experiment?

00:47:28.000 Yeah, if they didn't know, would you let them sign up for that?

00:47:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:31.000 And talk shit to the blue-eyed kids? 1.00

00:47:34.000 You know what? 1.00

00:47:35.000 I'd let my kid live through that.

00:47:37.000 I would hope I would have told my kid a long time ago that that would be nonsense and that they wouldn't believe that.

00:47:41.000 Right.

00:47:41.000 I would teach my kid that.

00:47:44.000 It's one thing to tell a kid something and then to let something play out in the real world.

00:47:50.000 It's a different thing.

00:47:52.000 Humans have a tendency to get caught up in the fever of things.

00:47:56.000 Like COVID. Like COVID. Like politics.

00:48:00.000 Politics.

00:48:00.000 Like all of this stuff.

00:48:02.000 Anytime there's any sort of international conflict.

00:48:05.000 Palestine and Israel, Ukraine and Russia.

00:48:08.000 You have a sect of people that sort of know what's what, and then you have a large sect of people that just get caught up in the furor of it.

00:48:17.000 And it's scary to see how quickly people are absorbed by it and caught up in it.

00:48:25.000 It's frightening.

00:48:26.000 Well, you ever been to a protest?

00:48:29.000 No.

00:48:30.000 Protests feel like a mob.

00:48:33.000 It feels dangerous.

00:48:34.000 When there's a bunch of people walking around, even if it's peaceful, and they're cheering, especially if they're cheering about something that happened that was violent, and they're angry, and they're demanding something, and they're all marching.

00:48:46.000 It's like, ew.

00:48:48.000 I think that ignites in human beings the same feelings of war.

00:48:52.000 Yeah.

00:48:53.000 Is my cough button still busted, Jamie, or did you swap that out?

00:48:56.000 You okay? 0.99

00:48:57.000 It's going to be a pain in the ass to swap it. 0.99

00:49:00.000 We had a cough button. 0.98

00:49:01.000 I don't think that's right.

00:49:02.000 There.

00:49:02.000 It's working there, yeah.

00:49:03.000 Do you want to try it?

00:49:05.000 No.

00:49:05.000 No, it's just phlegm.

00:49:07.000 Well.

00:49:08.000 I'm good to go.

00:49:09.000 I don't eat celery.

00:49:11.000 Please, friend.

00:49:11.000 No, thank you.

00:49:12.000 Why?

00:49:13.000 I don't have any tapeworms and I don't enjoy celery.

00:49:15.000 Can't you accept the gift?

00:49:17.000 I like it with peanut butter.

00:49:17.000 Do you have any peanut butter?

00:49:24.000 This motherfucker might have peanut butter. 1.00

00:49:26.000 How about a cauliflower? 1.00

00:49:27.000 No, that's not the same thing.

00:49:29.000 Well, it's got the same letters in it.

00:49:31.000 No, no, no.

00:49:32.000 It doesn't have all of them.

00:49:33.000 It's missing the B. I thought you liked cauliflower.

00:49:36.000 No.

00:49:37.000 Well, now what am I going to do?

00:49:39.000 Just put it down.

00:49:40.000 Well, what were we just talking about before that?

00:49:43.000 Vietnam.

00:49:44.000 Are you okay, guy?

00:49:45.000 Yeah, I just got this phlegm thing.

00:49:47.000 Nothing.

00:49:48.000 Maybe you've got phlegmen.

00:49:50.000 Maybe.

00:49:51.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:49:52.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:49:54.000 Ooh, I like that.

00:49:57.000 Imagine what they can smell.

00:49:58.000 You ever do that noise when you're making love?

00:50:00.000 No.

00:50:01.000 Why not? 1.00

00:50:01.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:50:02.000 Dude, it's primal. 1.00

00:50:03.000 Women love it. 1.00

00:50:04.000 She'd get up and leave. 0.91

00:50:05.000 No, here's an experiment from me to you.

00:50:08.000 I want you to try that.

00:50:09.000 Animal noises?

00:50:10.000 Next time you're making love, not to get into your purse, I respect your personal space, but doggy style, right by her ear. 0.95

00:50:21.000 Carl just started barking.

00:50:23.000 Listen to Carl!

00:50:24.000 Listen to Carl!

00:50:35.000 Wow.

00:50:35.000 Have you ever seen Carl do that?

00:50:37.000 Has Carl ever done that before?

00:50:38.000 Wow.

00:50:41.000 He's fired up.

00:50:43.000 That is crazy.

00:50:43.000 He really believes.

00:50:46.000 If calling dogs was a thing, I'd have a really good career in dog calling.

00:50:51.000 Let's hear your growl. 1.00

00:51:04.000 Dude, you gotta...

00:51:06.000 Carl believes it.

00:51:07.000 You gotta try that with your wife. 1.00

00:51:08.000 That's poor Carl!

00:51:11.000 Sorry, Carl.

00:51:12.000 Poor Carl!

00:51:13.000 Oh, God, he thinks he's...

00:51:15.000 Walked into a wolf pack.

00:51:16.000 Yeah, he's like, someone's gonna eat me. 1.00

00:51:17.000 This is bullshit. 1.00

00:51:18.000 These guys have been pretending to be my friends. 1.00

00:51:20.000 They've been letting me bite their fingers the whole time.

00:51:22.000 They're setting me up.

00:51:23.000 Dude, I'm telling you.

00:51:24.000 Sorry, Carl.

00:51:25.000 Try that with the wife. 1.00

00:51:27.000 Okay.

00:51:28.000 You gotta try it.

00:51:28.000 Sorry, Carl.

00:51:31.000 Poor Carl.

00:51:33.000 Poor little Carl.

00:51:34.000 Poor Carl. 1.00

00:51:35.000 He's like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:51:37.000 That's a good noise. 0.99

00:51:39.000 Thank you.

00:51:40.000 Where'd you acquire that skill?

00:51:41.000 Because I learned it when I had a puppy.

00:51:44.000 I would try to...

00:51:45.000 I like to communicate to animals in their own language if you can.

00:51:50.000 Right.

00:51:50.000 You have dogs, right?

00:51:51.000 Yeah, but I just talk to him.

00:51:53.000 You don't do that?

00:51:54.000 He hardly ever barks.

00:51:55.000 He very, very, very rarely barks.

00:51:58.000 He'll bark if he has to go outside, like if he has diarrhea.

00:52:00.000 He'll bark.

00:52:01.000 He'll get by the door and go, fire!

00:52:04.000 Or he'll bark if he sees something.

00:52:07.000 You know what he used to bark?

00:52:08.000 Carl's done, huh?

00:52:10.000 Wow, he's terrified.

00:52:11.000 He's tired.

00:52:12.000 Now he wants to bite us, man. 0.99

00:52:13.000 He's a little gangster.

00:52:16.000 You remember those inflatable snowmen that people would have on their front lawn around Christmas time?

00:52:23.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:23.000 He barks at those.

00:52:24.000 What, your dog?

00:52:25.000 Why?

00:52:26.000 I don't know.

00:52:27.000 He thinks it's a thing.

00:52:29.000 He wants to tell me there's a big animal there.

00:52:31.000 He's letting me know.

00:52:32.000 He's like, Dad! 1.00

00:52:34.000 What the fuck is that, Dad? 1.00

00:52:35.000 Maybe he thinks it's a Yeti, like one of those abominable snowmen. 1.00

00:52:37.000 I bet he thinks it's a bear.

00:52:38.000 I bet it's just like...

00:52:39.000 I bet in a dog's mind, there's a shape that has two arms that stands up big, and you go, Bark!

00:52:45.000 Bark! 0.98

00:52:46.000 Bark! 0.98

00:52:46.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:52:47.000 And I have to go, Dude, that is just...

00:52:49.000 That's a snowman.

00:52:50.000 Don't worry about it.

00:52:51.000 I love it that your dog has a diarrhea bark.

00:52:54.000 He has a, I gotta go out now bark.

00:52:56.000 But you said diarrhea.

00:52:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:58.000 What's that one sound like?

00:52:59.000 Same thing.

00:53:01.000 It's basically, hey!

00:53:03.000 I got to run!

00:53:05.000 Let's go to Taco Bell!

00:53:07.000 I got a funny video that I'll send to Jamie, and then we go watch it, because it was him last night.

00:53:12.000 Because last night, he hadn't gone out in like...

00:53:16.000 Four hours.

00:53:17.000 And there was thunderstorms outside. 0.99

00:53:20.000 And when there's thunderstorms outside, he fucking freaks out. 0.99

00:53:24.000 He freaks out. 0.99

00:53:25.000 Like, I can't watch TV with him when there's thunderstorms.

00:53:28.000 He just, like, when we watch TV together, we sit on the couch and we cuddle.

00:53:34.000 And so I sit like this and he, like, puts his head, like, on my lap.

00:53:37.000 What kind of dog is this?

00:53:39.000 Golden Retriever.

00:53:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:39.000 The sweetest dog of all time.

00:53:41.000 Yeah, perfect.

00:53:42.000 And sometimes, I don't even hear it, you know, because I'm watching the movie.

00:53:45.000 But all of a sudden, he starts like spinning around.

00:53:52.000 I'm like, dude, chill out.

00:53:53.000 And then he just jumps off the couch, jumps back on the couch, kisses me off the couch, back on the couch.

00:53:59.000 So last night, Jamie, I just sent this to you.

00:54:02.000 Last night, he had to pee.

00:54:04.000 I'm like, I know you have to pee.

00:54:05.000 It's like midnight.

00:54:06.000 Come on, bro.

00:54:07.000 Like, look at this.

00:54:08.000 He kept jumping at me.

00:54:09.000 He kept jumping at me.

00:54:12.000 Go potty.

00:54:15.000 This is all just because of the lightning.

00:54:17.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

00:54:20.000 He's a giant pussy when it comes to lightning. 1.00

00:54:24.000 Dude, please go pee in four hours. 1.00

00:54:27.000 Come on.

00:54:27.000 I love you too.

00:54:29.000 Come on.

00:54:29.000 Go potty.

00:54:30.000 He just keeps jumping at me.

00:54:33.000 All he does is just jump at me.

00:54:36.000 You gotta pee.

00:54:36.000 I know.

00:54:37.000 But normally he'd just go out and pee.

00:54:40.000 100%.

00:54:40.000 He literally never does this.

00:54:43.000 Wow.

00:54:44.000 But he's wagging his tail.

00:54:45.000 He loves it.

00:54:46.000 I mean, he's excited, right?

00:54:48.000 His tail's not between his legs, but he's just freaked out.

00:54:52.000 Maybe he's got the diarrhea, but he's afraid to start so he doesn't get electrocuted.

00:54:56.000 Yeah.

00:54:57.000 Wow.

00:54:57.000 Marshall, I know, but you gotta pee, dude.

00:55:00.000 Come on.

00:55:01.000 Go potty.

00:55:03.000 Marshall, please go potty.

00:55:07.000 He wouldn't pee.

00:55:08.000 I had to bring him back in the house.

00:55:09.000 He just would not pee.

00:55:10.000 He just wanted to jump up and just freaked out.

00:55:13.000 He wanted to make sure that I was okay.

00:55:16.000 I'm with him.

00:55:17.000 You're okay.

00:55:17.000 He wants to be on top of you when the lightning's happening.

00:55:20.000 Weird.

00:55:21.000 Yeah, he's just like, are we okay?

00:55:23.000 I'm like, we're okay.

00:55:24.000 As long as I'm okay, he thinks it's okay. 0.96

00:55:27.000 He's like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.93

00:55:28.000 His instincts are like, we're not supposed to be out in the open. 0.97

00:55:31.000 This is dangerous.

00:55:33.000 Wait, how old is he?

00:55:34.000 Seven.

00:55:34.000 Oh, so you'd think by now he'd sort of have it figured out the way animals do.

00:55:39.000 Well, the thing is, when he was young, until he was, I guess, three-ish, we moved here four years ago, and he never really saw lightning.

00:55:50.000 Like, very rarely do you see lightning in California.

00:55:53.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:55:54.000 Or hear thunder.

00:55:55.000 Yeah.

00:55:55.000 Very rarely do you have those kind of crazy storms they have out here.

00:56:00.000 The storms they have out here are fire. 0.98

00:56:02.000 Fucking wild. 0.99

00:56:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:56:03.000 Some guy posted a video yesterday, Jamie, on Instagram of his car getting destroyed by hail in Texas. 0.99

00:56:11.000 Like some insane, like four-inch hail chunks.

00:56:15.000 You see his windshield shattering, his back windshield got blown out while he's driving.

00:56:21.000 He's like, this is insane!

00:56:23.000 He's watching his car just get destroyed.

00:56:25.000 It's rocks, just rocks dropping out of the sky.

00:56:28.000 Yeah.

00:56:29.000 Sometimes I think they actually puncture right through the roof, like through the metal.

00:56:33.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:33.000 You've got to think of how far.

00:56:35.000 If you've got a four-inch chunk of ice that's hurling from space, like it's basically in the clouds.

00:56:42.000 Look at that.

00:56:43.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

00:56:43.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

00:56:45.000 That looks like JF Kennedy's car. 1.00

00:56:47.000 He had a convertible.

00:56:49.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:49.000 It broke windows.

00:56:51.000 Wow.

00:56:51.000 Yeah.

00:56:52.000 Fucks these cars up, man. 0.99

00:56:53.000 Whoa, he's fingering it. 1.00

00:56:55.000 I wonder how many people get killed by hail every year.

00:56:58.000 There's a good question. 1.00

00:56:59.000 Looks like they got hit by assholes. 1.00

00:57:00.000 What kills more, staff or hail? 1.00

00:57:03.000 I don't know, but I know they say about, I think they say 12 to 30 people a year, this is for real, get killed by a falling coconut.

00:57:14.000 150. Well, not where I come from.

00:57:16.000 150 people a year.

00:57:17.000 150 now.

00:57:18.000 Yeah.

00:57:19.000 So it's gone up.

00:57:20.000 We were talking about, like, things that kill people, but they, like, inflate numbers.

00:57:24.000 Like, marijuana kills zero.

00:57:25.000 Coconuts.

00:57:26.000 Falling on people's hands kill 150 people.

00:57:28.000 We're not outlawing coconuts.

00:57:30.000 Yeah.

00:57:30.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:31.000 Can you imagine getting killed by a coconut? 0.99

00:57:33.000 It would suck. 0.99

00:57:34.000 What a way to go. 0.95

00:57:35.000 It's not good.

00:57:37.000 It's not a good way to go.

00:57:38.000 Especially if you're like an accomplished person.

00:57:40.000 Yeah.

00:57:41.000 Everything's going great.

00:57:41.000 Like if Steve Jobs had gotten killed by a coconut or his little brother.

00:57:46.000 Elon Musk.

00:57:46.000 Imagine Elon Musk gets killed by a coconut.

00:57:48.000 Yeah.

00:57:48.000 No one would believe it.

00:57:49.000 The fucking CIA made that coconut. 1.00

00:57:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:57:52.000 Wild dangerous, according to the NOAA. Since 2000, only four people have been killed by hail. 1.00

00:58:01.000 Wow.

00:58:01.000 Oh, wow.

00:58:02.000 How many people get killed every year by lightning?

00:58:05.000 Let's guess.

00:58:06.000 Okay.

00:58:07.000 60. I'll say...

00:58:10.000 I don't know why I said 60. 200. 200. Worldwide?

00:58:13.000 Globally.

00:58:14.000 Globally.

00:58:14.000 Yeah, you're probably right.

00:58:16.000 20 in the U.S. 20 in the U.S., wow.

00:58:19.000 Every year.

00:58:20.000 So what is it globally?

00:58:23.000 Gotta figure the Chinese are getting picked off by...

00:58:26.000 Because they got billions, right?

00:58:28.000 You got...

00:58:29.000 The odds are.

00:58:30.000 And they have skyscrapers.

00:58:32.000 They live in skyscrapers.

00:58:33.000 I wonder if Kimmy Long Wild's gonna get it. 0.99

00:58:35.000 24,000.

00:58:36.000 Wow.

00:58:37.000 24,000 a year?

00:58:38.000 Yeah.

00:58:39.000 Killed by lightning?

00:58:40.000 Wow.

00:58:41.000 We were both way off.

00:58:42.000 Wow.

00:58:43.000 Whoa.

00:58:44.000 It was a lot less than I thought it would be in America.

00:58:48.000 Yeah.

00:58:48.000 60 is what I thought in America.

00:58:52.000 Have you ever been hit by lightning?

00:58:53.000 No but my friend Remy has.

00:58:56.000 Remy, did he live?

00:58:57.000 Yeah, he lived.

00:58:58.000 He was here on the podcast a couple days ago. 1.00

00:59:00.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:59:00.000 He got hit by lightning, I think, when he was in high school. 0.99

00:59:03.000 I think it made him deaf for a little bit. 0.96

00:59:06.000 Like, really fucked him up. 0.99

00:59:07.000 Wow. 0.98

00:59:08.000 Yeah, he didn't realize what happened.

00:59:10.000 He just woke up on the ground.

00:59:12.000 And they had to piece it together that he got hit by lightning.

00:59:16.000 The electronic charge going through the air.

00:59:19.000 Unbelievable.

00:59:20.000 Have you seen what's going on right now in...

00:59:24.000 Where is it where there's these, is it Uruguay?

00:59:28.000 Where is it where there's insane lightning storms that are coming out of that volcano?

00:59:33.000 Oh yeah, I saw that.

00:59:35.000 Have you seen that?

00:59:35.000 It's a different kind of lightning.

00:59:36.000 So it's the particles, the charged particles that are being released by the lava ignites with the air somehow.

00:59:45.000 We'll get to explain.

00:59:47.000 Yeah, in the smoke too.

00:59:47.000 So it's a different kind of lightning.

00:59:49.000 The steam, the particles get caught in the steam, the translucent.

00:59:52.000 And it makes these insane lightning shows.

00:59:55.000 Like, look at this.

00:59:56.000 Yeah.

00:59:57.000 Indonesia.

00:59:59.000 But it's been going on a lot lately, even during the day.

01:00:04.000 There's a lot of films on TikTok and Instagram and stuff about it.

01:00:09.000 Bro, that is so bonkers.

01:00:11.000 That means if you were alive 5,000 years ago and you saw that, you're like, oh, Satan. 0.91

01:00:16.000 That's where Satan lives.

01:00:17.000 Satan's back. 1.00

01:00:18.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:00:18.000 He's back. 1.00

01:00:19.000 Dude, I got news, everybody. 1.00

01:00:21.000 We're fucked, man. 1.00

01:00:22.000 Satan's back. 1.00

01:00:23.000 Look.

01:00:24.000 Look at the mountain.

01:00:25.000 Satan landed on the top of the mountain. 1.00

01:00:27.000 He's there with lightning and shit. 1.00

01:00:28.000 It's a summer home. 0.99

01:00:29.000 If you saw this, you'd be like, okay, that's where Satan is.

01:00:34.000 100% you would think that.

01:00:35.000 That's where Thor is.

01:00:36.000 That's where the god of thunder is.

01:00:38.000 That's where Beelzebub lives. 0.96

01:00:39.000 Look at that.

01:00:41.000 You would 100% Sauron lives up there.

01:00:43.000 That's the eye of Sauron.

01:00:45.000 People don't know that lightning comes up out of the ground, too.

01:00:49.000 Did you know that, Joe?

01:00:50.000 Does it really?

01:00:50.000 Yeah, lightning comes...

01:00:51.000 People just think all lightning comes from...

01:00:54.000 And I'm not talking a volcano.

01:00:56.000 I'm talking regular time. 0.99

01:00:57.000 So you could get it right up your ass if you're in the wrong spot? 1.00

01:00:59.000 You could get a bolt up your arse. 1.00

01:01:01.000 But for real. 1.00

01:01:02.000 Can you imagine? 0.86

01:01:04.000 You could just, your nuts blasted by lightning. 0.58

01:01:06.000 Poor Dimitri. 0.99

01:01:08.000 How bad would that suck?

01:01:10.000 Just be walking along in the field going, wow, what a beautiful night.

01:01:13.000 Bang.

01:01:14.000 From the ground.

01:01:15.000 Yeah, it's true.

01:01:16.000 Right to your sack.

01:01:17.000 Yeah.

01:01:18.000 Do you have any pictures of that?

01:01:22.000 Out to your head. 0.99

01:01:24.000 Three balls out to your head. 1.00

01:01:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:01:29.000 Just cooked.

01:01:31.000 Cooked.

01:01:32.000 Cooked.

01:01:33.000 Never be the same again.

01:01:34.000 Cooked.

01:01:35.000 What's that noise you did at the end there?

01:01:37.000 That's the nuts.

01:01:39.000 You gotta think.

01:01:40.000 The electricity's going through the ground, in your nuts, and out the top of your head.

01:01:46.000 Just imagine your whole body captured by this lightning.

01:01:53.000 It would be like stepping on a landmine, but you didn't blow up.

01:01:56.000 Look at that.

01:01:58.000 Right up out of the ground.

01:02:00.000 Lightning trailing from ground to clouds in slow motion.

01:02:03.000 Isn't that wild?

01:02:04.000 Wow, that's insane.

01:02:06.000 It's like an Etch-a-Sketch.

01:02:07.000 Wow.

01:02:08.000 People don't really know these things, and that's why it's important you have me on the show twice a month type of deal.

01:02:15.000 I'm really glad you're here for this.

01:02:16.000 Yeah.

01:02:16.000 Look how cool that looks in slow motion.

01:02:18.000 That's what's really happening. 1.00

01:02:19.000 Fuck, that's amazing. 1.00

01:02:20.000 Look at that, right out of the ground. 1.00

01:02:22.000 That's as big as any lightning strike you'll see coming out of the sky. 0.99

01:02:26.000 God damn, that's amazing. 0.99

01:02:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:29.000 That looks a lot like Dimitri, I gotta say.

01:02:32.000 Oh, the little branches.

01:02:33.000 And this is all in slow motion.

01:02:34.000 Look how quick those little branches flicker off in the corners and the sides.

01:02:38.000 That looks a lot like Dimitri's ultrasound, by the way.

01:02:40.000 I bet.

01:02:41.000 Yeah.

01:02:42.000 Wow.

01:02:42.000 Just so we're clear.

01:02:44.000 Lightning is fucking cool. 0.96

01:02:45.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:02:46.000 That's one of the interesting things about living here is we have these lightning storms.

01:02:49.000 You get to watch lightning.

01:02:50.000 Yeah.

01:02:51.000 Florida.

01:02:52.000 I think it's one of the most lightning active places on the planet.

01:02:57.000 Oh, yeah.

01:02:57.000 Yeah.

01:02:58.000 Florida.

01:02:58.000 Florida's like, this is the hurricane season there.

01:03:02.000 Yeah.

01:03:02.000 Like, if you're planning a trip to Florida now, like, hey, you know, you gotta check that weather.

01:03:07.000 Yeah, but it can be stunningly beautiful, though.

01:03:10.000 I've been in scenarios where I've been in Florida at night, and you got celery juice on me, and you look out, like, two, three miles out, and there will be active storms going on in the cumulus, right?

01:03:23.000 Mm-hmm.

01:03:24.000 The degenerative molecular charged transphyxiation particles...

01:03:31.000 Are lighting up the clouds.

01:03:34.000 And it's like you're at a Judas Priest concert covered in mayonnaise.

01:03:38.000 You got another thank God.

01:03:40.000 Yeah, just like...

01:03:40.000 And it's like all over.

01:03:43.000 Do you believe in the Matrix?

01:03:44.000 Yeah.

01:03:46.000 I don't disbelieve in it.

01:03:47.000 Because if you ever want to have it, I've got this chemically reversed inverse magnetron camera.

01:03:55.000 And one of the things we associate with the matrix is what?

01:04:00.000 Those little numbers coming down in green.

01:04:02.000 So if you can take a picture, think of it.

01:04:05.000 Where does that exist in reality?

01:04:08.000 But if you can go out on a stormy night like that, rain coming down with your magnetized nitronic reverse camera and take a picture while lightning's flashing, think of it.

01:04:22.000 What are raindrops?

01:04:24.000 Water.

01:04:25.000 Right.

01:04:26.000 But not when you take them with an infrared matronic camera.

01:04:30.000 What are they then?

01:04:31.000 You'll see- Numbers?

01:04:33.000 In the raindrops?

01:04:33.000 You can see it.

01:04:34.000 Yeah.

01:04:35.000 Interesting.

01:04:35.000 If you believe in that stuff.

01:04:37.000 Well, a person's got to believe in something.

01:04:39.000 Do you believe in it?

01:04:41.000 What?

01:04:42.000 The Matrix.

01:04:43.000 I don't disbelieve in it.

01:04:45.000 You know, I can tell you that you've experienced it in real time.

01:04:48.000 How can you do that?

01:04:50.000 A little term, Joe Rogan, called déjà vu.

01:04:54.000 Have you ever experienced déjà vu?

01:04:57.000 Yes.

01:04:57.000 So think of it.

01:04:58.000 How can you be in a place that you've never been before, you're standing somewhere foreign, somewhere new, and all of a sudden your brain computes that you've been in this exact moment and it's undeniable.

01:05:13.000 Right?

01:05:13.000 How is that happening?

01:05:15.000 Well, it's not really undeniable.

01:05:17.000 Well, it is undeniable because you're in it, right?

01:05:21.000 But it's probably a glitch in how you interface with reality.

01:05:25.000 Therefore, a glitch in the matrix.

01:05:27.000 Well, it's probably how your brain's firing.

01:05:30.000 Your brain has just like...

01:05:32.000 Brain is essentially just like a computer in a way.

01:05:35.000 There's a lot of calculations that are going on simultaneously.

01:05:38.000 A lot of sensors are being considered.

01:05:40.000 Different senses are affecting the way you view the world.

01:05:43.000 And I think it's very possible that you can have a situation where things just get a little wonky for a second and you think, have I done this before?

01:05:51.000 Have I done it before?

01:05:53.000 But how?

01:05:54.000 Or you have done it before.

01:05:58.000 And every time you do this, you try to do it better.

01:06:03.000 And you live the same life over and over and over again until you get it right.

01:06:08.000 A lot of people believe that.

01:06:10.000 That's a good theory.

01:06:11.000 It plays into what I'm going for here.

01:06:14.000 I had a moment in time where I had deja vu.

01:06:18.000 I'm not going to say where and when because I don't want anyone to interfere with it.

01:06:22.000 But I've never told anyone this before.

01:06:25.000 I had a place in time where I was walking.

01:06:28.000 I was going under a bridge.

01:06:31.000 A pigeon flew out, okay?

01:06:34.000 Right.

01:06:36.000 A child was laughing in the background.

01:06:39.000 You know, like a child, like, hee-hee, you know, like a giggle, a playground giggle.

01:06:44.000 And a red car went by, and I was like, I've been here before, a place I'd never been.

01:06:50.000 Okay.

01:06:51.000 So I documented the experience, the time, the place, and I've gone back to that same place for nine years to the exact same place at the same time.

01:07:04.000 Check this out.

01:07:06.000 Red car goes by, bird flies out, pigeon, kid laughing in the background.

01:07:14.000 But this year, something different happened that I'd never seen.

01:07:19.000 A feather...

01:07:22.000 Fell off of the bird when it flew out.

01:07:25.000 So check this out.

01:07:29.000 Don't get ahead of me.

01:07:33.000 Well, the Matrix must be real.

01:07:35.000 Well, hold on.

01:07:36.000 I got this examined.

01:07:38.000 I have a lot of friends in the science community.

01:07:41.000 I know a bunch of Scientologists.

01:07:44.000 And I had them analyze this.

01:07:48.000 Pigeon flew out.

01:07:50.000 Here.

01:07:51.000 I'm good.

01:07:52.000 This is a feather from a great auk.

01:07:55.000 Do you know what that is?

01:07:57.000 It's an extinct species of bird from South America.

01:08:02.000 Please.

01:08:03.000 That's okay, just put it down.

01:08:05.000 Well, I think you'd like to touch it.

01:08:06.000 No, I'm good.

01:08:07.000 So how does an extinct species of bird drop a feather from a common pigeon?

01:08:14.000 Who knows, man.

01:08:15.000 That's it?

01:08:16.000 That's the animal?

01:08:17.000 That's the auk. 1.00

01:08:18.000 Looks like that animal didn't really have feathers.

01:08:21.000 It did, believe me, and I'm holding one right here.

01:08:24.000 What extinct?

01:08:24.000 350 years ago?

01:08:27.000 Is that what it was?

01:08:29.000 Hmm.

01:08:31.000 Matrix.

01:08:33.000 Oh, from healthy to extinct in 350 years.

01:08:36.000 They probably taste delicious. 1.00

01:08:37.000 They're probably stupid and they taste delicious. 1.00

01:08:39.000 That's what happens. 1.00

01:08:40.000 Whoa, whoa.

01:08:41.000 The great auk.

01:08:43.000 Little cutie.

01:08:44.000 Can that thing even fly? 0.94

01:08:46.000 No. 1.00

01:08:47.000 Sounds like a bullshit story. 1.00

01:08:49.000 How's that feather get there? 1.00

01:08:51.000 Well, this is what I'm saying.

01:08:53.000 This thing lives near the ocean.

01:08:54.000 The Matrix.

01:08:55.000 You just found a feather that maybe someone dropped.

01:08:57.000 It floated off of the pigeon for nine years.

01:09:00.000 Maybe not.

01:09:00.000 Maybe it just was near where the pigeon was and it was flying through the air because someone had an auk.

01:09:06.000 Like, taxidermy in their apartment building.

01:09:08.000 And that feather just kept drifting in the way.

01:09:10.000 And just coincidentally, as the pigeon was passing, that feather was making its way.

01:09:15.000 Like, oh my god, look what fell off the pigeon.

01:09:17.000 An ancient extinct auk feather.

01:09:20.000 But meanwhile, it was just someone who was in an apartment building with taxidermy of the auk, and they had the window open, the fan on.

01:09:28.000 Touche.

01:09:28.000 You never know.

01:09:31.000 Could be magic, though.

01:09:32.000 I like what I'm hearing.

01:09:34.000 Do you think this is the Matrix?

01:09:36.000 If this is a simulation, what does it say about your choice of how you've chosen to exist in the simulation?

01:09:43.000 I don't know that we have a choice.

01:09:44.000 You don't think so?

01:09:45.000 Well, the matrix is numbers, it's mathematical, so do we really have a choice?

01:09:49.000 Did we have a choice that we were conceived?

01:09:52.000 Did we have a choice that our- We don't think we did.

01:09:55.000 Right?

01:09:55.000 But maybe we do.

01:09:57.000 Or maybe it's inevitable.

01:09:59.000 Maybe there's just this mathematical cycle of atoms and protons and molecules interacting with each other.

01:10:07.000 This is the way it's always going to go.

01:10:10.000 It's going to go this way the same way over and over and over again.

01:10:14.000 And the only thing different is that you get to learn from your past mistakes at least some way in the essence of your being and do a better job of existing this next go around.

01:10:26.000 I don't know that we have to do a better job.

01:10:28.000 I don't think we have a choice.

01:10:30.000 I think evolution just takes us.

01:10:32.000 We're just hanging on to bear's tapeworms at this point, you know?

01:10:37.000 Yeah, but if you live the same life over and over and over again, you're going to go through the same nature interaction over and over again.

01:10:43.000 It's not going to be like a differently evolved world.

01:10:46.000 You're going to live the same thing over and over again.

01:10:49.000 Like, if you thought about it, like you and I. How old are you?

01:10:52.000 Wow.

01:10:53.000 I'm 56. How old are you?

01:10:55.000 61. Are you really?

01:10:57.000 Yeah.

01:10:57.000 For real?

01:10:58.000 Yeah.

01:10:58.000 You look really good.

01:10:59.000 Thank you.

01:11:00.000 You do.

01:11:00.000 You look really good.

01:11:01.000 Except the scars.

01:11:02.000 You're a little beat up.

01:11:05.000 I've been rolled by a grizz.

01:11:07.000 We have gone through one of the weirdest lives.

01:11:10.000 You know, and if the simulation is real, and if you wanted...

01:11:13.000 If the simulation wanted you to go through the most...

01:11:19.000 Profound changes that human beings have ever experienced in the time of their life, just in how people interface with the world.

01:11:25.000 You and I have done that.

01:11:27.000 We exist.

01:11:28.000 We were born in a time where there was no internet and you got your news from television and everybody had a sort of a limited understanding of the world.

01:11:36.000 You could bullshit your way through most things because nobody could Google you. 0.51

01:11:40.000 Nobody could get a book on you. 0.99

01:11:41.000 You couldn't just run to the library and find out if Mike was telling the truth about his war stories.

01:11:45.000 You had to just believe people.

01:11:47.000 You had to microfiche things.

01:11:48.000 Everything was possible.

01:11:50.000 The world was a different place. 0.85

01:11:52.000 Then there's answering machines and cell phones, and then the internet comes along, and now we're living in a fucking insane world where AI's about to take over.

01:12:02.000 If you were gonna pick a timeline to go through if it wasn't real, and you wanted the most profound adventure, you've chosen that.

01:12:11.000 You've chosen the most profound changes that people will experience in a relatively safe timeline.

01:12:19.000 Relatively safe in comparison to the Genghis Khan days or the days of the Roman Empire. 0.91

01:12:24.000 Just relatively safe in comparison.

01:12:27.000 But profound changes for this moment.

01:12:30.000 And we're accelerating so rapidly, Joe, that things are going to be at a whole other level quickly where we're going to be looking in the rearview mirror and going, oh yeah, AI. Remember that?

01:12:45.000 There's going to be something that takes us to the next level.

01:12:49.000 And then another level after that.

01:12:51.000 We are going to transcend so far that I don't even know what humans and humanity looks like in a thousand years, if not less.

01:13:00.000 Oh, I don't think it's even 50 years.

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:03.000 That's what's crazy.

01:13:04.000 You and I are living through the weirdest time ever.

01:13:07.000 Yeah, because it started like we kind of had in high school for us, it was the Texas Instrument Calculator was the mind blower.

01:13:16.000 Then we got a fax machine like 15 years later.

01:13:20.000 Insane.

01:13:21.000 And then we got the home computer and then the internet, and that was again like a decade in between.

01:13:29.000 And cut to smartphones, and it's been about, what, 15 years with them now, and now AI, and it's just like, everything's happening exponentially quicker.

01:13:41.000 I remember I was on news radio with Dave Foley in the 90s.

01:13:45.000 Dave Foley, he's a big computer internet technology nut.

01:13:50.000 He loves that stuff.

01:13:51.000 And at the time, he was the first person I ever met who had a laptop.

01:13:54.000 Okay.

01:13:55.000 So he had a laptop back then.

01:13:56.000 It was one of those Mac laptops.

01:13:59.000 You know, black plastic ones back in the day.

01:14:02.000 And he had this app running in the background where it gave him constant news.

01:14:09.000 He's like, look, if I keep it connected to the internet, it constantly gives me news.

01:14:13.000 Yeah.

01:14:14.000 And I was like, whoa!

01:14:15.000 You get any news from the internet?

01:14:17.000 This is crazy.

01:14:18.000 So it's like all the news stories of world events.

01:14:21.000 And so when I look back now at how we're just inundated, like constantly inundated with like world conflict stories, world events, world problems, world environmental crises, world starvation, world floods, like world volcanoes with lightning.

01:14:37.000 Like, oh, it's good. 0.96

01:14:38.000 You never fucking saw. 0.97

01:14:39.000 I remember that moment, that very moment when I was looking at Dave's laptop and I I was like, wow. 0.99

01:14:45.000 The internet is just going to feed you the news in real time.

01:14:47.000 You don't have to tune into the news.

01:14:49.000 You don't have to go buy a newspaper.

01:14:50.000 This was like this profound moment for me where I still look back at that day, and I go, that was the first time I ever saw a baby.

01:14:59.000 A baby supercomputer.

01:15:01.000 Oh, look, it's a little baby.

01:15:02.000 The news.

01:15:03.000 The news on the laptop.

01:15:04.000 Ironically, you're on a show called News Radio.

01:15:06.000 Crazy.

01:15:07.000 Very ironically.

01:15:08.000 Matrix.

01:15:09.000 Very ironically.

01:15:10.000 Yeah.

01:15:11.000 Wow.

01:15:11.000 Yeah, I'm excited to see where it goes.

01:15:15.000 Because I think the next evolution of this could be tractor beams, it could be particle movers, it could be, you know, as ridiculous as it sounds, the transporter beam on Star Trek.

01:15:28.000 Mm-hmm.

01:15:29.000 I feel like, you know, maybe 50 years, maybe 100 years, people are going to look back and go, wait, you went to a place called an airport?

01:15:37.000 You got on a tube and flew 18 hours to Australia?

01:15:41.000 Like, I think we're going to be at a place one day where maybe they can rearrange our molecules and particles and beam us.

01:15:49.000 I feel like if we can imagine it, it's going to happen.

01:15:52.000 Yeah, I bet it's going to happen.

01:15:55.000 I mean, isn't it funny that Star Trek figured that out, but they didn't figure out computers.

01:16:00.000 And they didn't figure out cell phones.

01:16:02.000 They had walkie-talkies, remember?

01:16:04.000 Well, they had the communicators.

01:16:06.000 Yeah, but it was a walkie-talkie.

01:16:08.000 Spock, I've got diarrhea.

01:16:10.000 Send me some Pepto-Bismol immediately.

01:16:12.000 But it wasn't, you couldn't both talk.

01:16:14.000 Like, if you and I were on a phone call together, what's up, Harlan?

01:16:17.000 Hey, what's up, dude?

01:16:18.000 It's like, hey, Harlan, how are you?

01:16:20.000 Over.

01:16:20.000 Yeah, and there was no video component.

01:16:23.000 Idiots. 1.00

01:16:24.000 Those idiots didn't even have FaceTime. 1.00

01:16:25.000 Dumb. 1.00

01:16:25.000 They gotta get back to the future. 1.00

01:16:27.000 They didn't have nothing. 1.00

01:16:28.000 Dumbasses. 0.96

01:16:30.000 Yeah, remember that? 0.99

01:16:31.000 Yeah, it had a twirly thing. 1.00

01:16:32.000 Look at that stupid piece of shit. 1.00

01:16:34.000 It had an acid trip-like kaleidoscope. 1.00

01:16:36.000 And who knows what those buttons are even for?

01:16:37.000 They're not even labeled.

01:16:38.000 What if I find that thing on the beach?

01:16:40.000 I know what to do with it.

01:16:41.000 I think it's an electric razor, if you ask me. 1.00

01:16:43.000 I think it's straight bullshit. 0.99

01:16:45.000 Yeah, I think it's a garage door opener. 1.00

01:16:47.000 I like how it had to flip closed, though.

01:16:49.000 I used to love that about old phones, when you could hang up like that.

01:16:51.000 Oh, I love that.

01:16:52.000 Snap.

01:16:53.000 Snap. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:16:54.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:16:56.000 Yeah, like those razor phones. 1.00

01:16:57.000 Shut the garage door.

01:16:58.000 I remember I had one of those Razer phones.

01:17:00.000 I thought I was James Bond.

01:17:02.000 Yeah, you could express yourself with them. 1.00

01:17:04.000 The Razer phone was the shit. 0.99

01:17:06.000 Yeah, what did that one do? 1.00

01:17:07.000 It was just this thin, little, beautiful piece of metal.

01:17:11.000 It had a terrible battery life, unfortunately.

01:17:14.000 Because most phones had insane battery life back then.

01:17:17.000 A phone would last for days.

01:17:18.000 Right.

01:17:19.000 Because the phones now, they just have so much electronics and this beautiful screen and high resolution.

01:17:25.000 It's doing things.

01:17:26.000 You're playing games on it.

01:17:27.000 You're taking pictures.

01:17:30.000 But still, your battery's good for a day. 1.00

01:17:32.000 That was the shit. 1.00

01:17:33.000 I had one of those. 1.00

01:17:34.000 I thought I was in space.

01:17:36.000 Well, I also liked the little side saddle.

01:17:39.000 Did you have the holster on your belt?

01:17:41.000 I tried that.

01:17:42.000 I couldn't do it. 0.93

01:17:42.000 I felt like such a dork. 0.93

01:17:44.000 And this is coming from a guy who wears a fanny back. 0.99

01:17:46.000 Yeah, right.

01:17:47.000 And you like to play with guns.

01:17:48.000 You have guns.

01:17:49.000 I don't play with guns, sir. 1.00

01:17:51.000 But this phone right here, for me, was the fucking shit. 1.00

01:17:56.000 I could never imagine seeing somebody with one of those today. 1.00

01:18:00.000 I would be like, what are you doing with that thing?

01:18:02.000 But aren't they bringing them back?

01:18:03.000 They have a different one.

01:18:04.000 But the new one is like a new phone.

01:18:07.000 It's like a modern phone.

01:18:08.000 The new one folds.

01:18:09.000 Yeah, look at that.

01:18:10.000 But it has apps.

01:18:12.000 It's essentially a regular phone.

01:18:15.000 But it does close, and it's real slim.

01:18:18.000 Like, look, it looks pretty similar.

01:18:20.000 I think you might have to get one.

01:18:23.000 Would you do it?

01:18:24.000 I thought about switching to Android, just because I don't like being trapped in the Apple ecosystem.

01:18:28.000 I don't like the idea of it.

01:18:30.000 But Google does a lot of, like, really shady stuff with...

01:18:32.000 There's different things they do that I don't like.

01:18:39.000 And one of the things they do is...

01:18:43.000 Like, if you look at...

01:18:44.000 What was their most recent declaration?

01:18:48.000 They were talking about censoring things in a time of social problems.

01:18:53.000 Remember that, Jamie?

01:18:56.000 They reserved the right to censor information under certain circumstances.

01:19:02.000 It had something to do with Google Ads, yeah.

01:19:07.000 There's...

01:19:09.000 There's things that I don't like in terms of search results, curation, because that's the thing that Google does, that Robert Epstein has been working on for a long time, like, showing that when you...

01:19:20.000 Like, say if you Google a presidential candidate, right?

01:19:24.000 If you Google a candidate that's Democrat, you'll get...

01:19:28.000 You know, especially someone who they want to win, you'll get like a lot of positive stories that come up first, and you have to go deep if you want to find something about corruption or accusations or anything like that.

01:19:38.000 But if you do Google Republican, it'll go right to that.

01:19:42.000 Now, I'm not saying this is just an example.

01:19:44.000 I'm not saying you could find that.

01:19:45.000 But his research shows this, and I'm doing a bad job of paraphrasing it because I don't remember exactly what it said.

01:19:51.000 But essentially, his claim was that in curating search results, you can have an impact on elections.

01:19:58.000 In curating search results and putting positive things for the people that you want to be elected in the prominence of the search result, if it's not an organic search result, if you actually are curating it, you can affect the way people feel about candidate, and that will affect the election results.

01:20:14.000 Okay.

01:20:15.000 And so that's an issue.

01:20:16.000 That's Google.

01:20:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:20:17.000 So I have an issue with that, and Google is Android.

01:20:19.000 I agree.

01:20:20.000 But I also have an issue with the Apple walled garden, and I think there's a lawsuit going on right now about that, where they're trying to get people to, you know, because of iMessage and FaceTime and all that stuff doesn't work on other phones.

01:20:34.000 Oh, right, right, right.

01:20:36.000 FaceTime does sort of, but you have to take a few steps, and that's a new thing.

01:20:39.000 A new thing is like if you FaceTime someone on an Android phone, they have to take a few steps to do it.

01:20:45.000 Okay.

01:20:46.000 I wonder how that works.

01:20:46.000 I've never tried that.

01:20:47.000 Have you ever tried that?

01:20:48.000 I haven't tried it.

01:20:48.000 Let's try it right now.

01:20:49.000 Okay.

01:20:50.000 I'm going to FaceTime Brian Simpson.

01:20:51.000 Okay.

01:20:52.000 FaceTime Brian Simpson.

01:20:54.000 I'm going to FaceTime OJ Simpson.

01:20:56.000 Yeah, it gives you like a link to send him or something, right?

01:20:57.000 Okay.

01:20:58.000 Is he still alive?

01:20:59.000 Okay.

01:21:00.000 It said, I haven't seen O.J. Simpson.

01:21:03.000 Wait.

01:21:03.000 Yeah, it's answering questions.

01:21:05.000 What the F? It thought we were really asking about O.J. Simpson.

01:21:07.000 Maybe I should reach out to him.

01:21:10.000 It didn't give me a link to send.

01:21:12.000 Where's the link?

01:21:14.000 I think it's up on the top, like where the other buttons are.

01:21:16.000 No.

01:21:17.000 Hold on a second.

01:21:17.000 It didn't work.

01:21:19.000 How do I do it if I want to send him a text?

01:21:25.000 FaceTime Brian Simpson.

01:21:27.000 FaceTime OJ Simpson.

01:21:29.000 Okay, send. 1.00

01:21:30.000 What the fuck, you piece of shit? 1.00

01:21:33.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

01:21:35.000 Went right to Hertz Rent-A-Car.

01:21:37.000 Hold on, be quiet for a second.

01:21:38.000 Well... 1.00

01:21:39.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:21:40.000 Well... 1.00

01:21:41.000 FaceTime Brian Simpson.

01:21:46.000 Okay.

01:21:47.000 Alright, it said join my FaceTime.

01:21:49.000 Alright, I sent it to him.

01:21:50.000 And let's see if it works.

01:21:52.000 So let's see what he has to do.

01:21:53.000 Who's Brian Simpson?

01:21:55.000 He's a hilarious stand-up comedian that is performing tonight at the Comedy Mothership.

01:21:58.000 Oh, awesome.

01:21:59.000 And he just released a special on Netflix that's amazing.

01:22:03.000 Wow.

01:22:03.000 That he filmed at the Mothership.

01:22:05.000 So it says Invite Sent.

01:22:09.000 Maybe I should call him and tell him what's going on.

01:22:12.000 Who, Brian?

01:22:13.000 Yeah.

01:22:15.000 Okay, this is just holding me up here.

01:22:20.000 Call Brian Simpson.

01:22:24.000 Alright, here we go.

01:22:35.000 Hey, brother.

01:22:36.000 It's Joe.

01:22:37.000 I'm on the podcast right now.

01:22:38.000 You're live on the podcast with Harlan Williams.

01:22:40.000 We were talking about how Apple keeps people from being able to use certain features like iMessage and FaceTime.

01:22:47.000 And I was saying that you can FaceTime someone that has an Android phone, but there's a bunch of steps they have to take.

01:22:53.000 I don't know how to do it.

01:22:54.000 So we're trying to figure out how to do it.

01:22:56.000 I'm going to FaceTime you right now, okay?

01:22:58.000 All right.

01:22:58.000 I'll FaceTime you in like two seconds.

01:23:00.000 Bye.

01:23:03.000 Cool.

01:23:04.000 FaceTime Brian Simpson.

01:23:07.000 Alright.

01:23:08.000 I sent him.

01:23:09.000 Join my FaceTime.

01:23:10.000 Let's see how that works.

01:23:12.000 So here it goes.

01:23:13.000 Let's see how this feature works. 0.93

01:23:15.000 And I know, all you Android dorks, I know there's other shit that you could use to do this, like WhatsApp. 0.83

01:23:22.000 And I guess you could use Instagram, right? 0.96

01:23:26.000 Don't people use Instagram for video calls?

01:23:28.000 Yep, yep.

01:23:29.000 This is not so fluid. 0.81

01:23:31.000 Now, if I wanted to FaceTime you, because you're a little Apple fanboy over there, you're a little bootlicker. 0.93

01:23:36.000 Hell yeah, I am.

01:23:37.000 I could just FaceTime you, and it would work instantly.

01:23:41.000 See, he's got this invite.

01:23:43.000 Yeah.

01:23:44.000 This takes so long.

01:23:45.000 It ruins the spontaneity about a fun FaceTime call.

01:23:49.000 A fun FaceTime call, you're at a concert, dude, what's up?

01:23:52.000 Look where we are!

01:23:53.000 And ironically, his initials are BS, because this is BS. This is bullshit. 1.00

01:23:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:58.000 This is like straight bullshit. 1.00

01:23:59.000 Would you ever shoot your cell phone? 1.00

01:24:02.000 I've shot a bunch of them. 0.99

01:24:04.000 Like with a high-powered rifle?

01:24:05.000 Yeah, we used to take them out to the range and shoot hard drives and cell phones.

01:24:09.000 No!

01:24:09.000 That's a good way to get rid of stuff.

01:24:12.000 Boom! 0.99

01:24:13.000 300 Win Mag at 100 yards.

01:24:15.000 Ooh, it's amazing what it does to a cell phone.

01:24:18.000 Ooh.

01:24:18.000 Yeah.

01:24:20.000 Do you line it up in a scope?

01:24:21.000 Of course.

01:24:22.000 Yeah, I can't see that far.

01:24:24.000 Wait, how far?

01:24:24.000 100 yards.

01:24:26.000 Wow.

01:24:27.000 Yeah.

01:24:29.000 There's a video of it, I think.

01:24:32.000 Didn't Red Band have a video?

01:24:33.000 Yeah, we made a video.

01:24:34.000 Yeah.

01:24:35.000 Have you ever shot a machine gun?

01:24:37.000 Yes.

01:24:39.000 And?

01:24:39.000 Elation?

01:24:40.000 It's kind of interesting.

01:24:42.000 It's scary.

01:24:42.000 It says, I'm waiting to be let in.

01:24:45.000 This piece of shit. 1.00

01:24:46.000 Yeah, forget it. 1.00

01:24:47.000 I'm going to tell him forget it.

01:24:49.000 Yeah.

01:24:50.000 Wait a minute.

01:24:51.000 What is it doing here?

01:24:52.000 It says join.

01:24:53.000 Is it working?

01:24:55.000 Waiting for others. 0.99

01:24:56.000 No, this is horseshit. 0.95

01:24:58.000 It doesn't work. 0.99

01:25:01.000 I'm telling him forget it, brother.

01:25:03.000 So. 1.00

01:25:05.000 Oh, bitch. 1.00

01:25:07.000 See, this is the thing that people are complaining about. 1.00

01:25:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:25:10.000 That it forces people to think you're a fool for having an Android phone. 0.99

01:25:14.000 So you just go out and get an iPhone, and iPhones have dominated the market because of that. 0.83

01:25:18.000 Yeah.

01:25:18.000 So, like, I think the numbers are with young kids, the numbers is like, it's something like 80-something percent of kids have iPhones.

01:25:27.000 Yeah.

01:25:28.000 So the kids that don't have iPhones, they get left out of iMessage group chats. 0.98

01:25:33.000 They get talked shit to. 0.99

01:25:35.000 Oh, what are you, poor? 0.99

01:25:36.000 You got an Android phone?

01:25:37.000 Yeah, it's a class thing.

01:25:39.000 It's a class thing.

01:25:39.000 It's weird.

01:25:40.000 It's a weird thing.

01:25:41.000 I don't like it.

01:25:42.000 What do you think the evolution of cell phones are?

01:25:45.000 Do you think it's like Neuralink, where we're just like, you know, we're thinking?

01:25:50.000 Are communicative thoughts?

01:25:52.000 Or what's your thought on that?

01:25:54.000 Yeah, 100%.

01:25:54.000 Really?

01:25:55.000 Yeah, that or a wearable.

01:25:57.000 Maybe something that you wear and it touches your temples.

01:26:00.000 Right, because the concept that we're...

01:26:02.000 This goes back to what I was saying about flight.

01:26:05.000 Like, wait, you guys carried these boxes around and held them to your head?

01:26:10.000 Yeah, well, I mean, just this alone was magic 100 years ago. 0.95

01:26:15.000 If you brought this 100 years back, people would think you're the craziest wizard. 0.80

01:26:18.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:18.000 We have the answers to all questions.

01:26:20.000 Yeah.

01:26:21.000 And they would say, oh my god, people in 2024 must be so smart.

01:26:24.000 And then he comes 2024 to like a MAGA convention.

01:26:26.000 Yeah.

01:26:27.000 You see Robert De Niro getting yelled at. 1.00

01:26:29.000 He's doing a fucking press conference. 1.00

01:26:32.000 He'll never leave. 1.00

01:26:33.000 Yeah.

01:26:35.000 What was the point of that?

01:26:36.000 I don't know, but this is people in 2024. Whereas if you gave this to people in 1924, they'd be like, there's no way everybody will have the world solved.

01:26:44.000 Once they have these, oh my god, then they have all the information.

01:26:47.000 And then people will know exactly what everybody looks like.

01:26:49.000 There'll be no more catfishing.

01:26:50.000 Still chaos.

01:26:54.000 And now, like, there's filters that you could use where I, from just a small snippet of your conversation on this podcast, I think they need about 30 seconds, 30 seconds of your voice, and then I could pretend to be you, like, just talk like this,

01:27:10.000 and the audience would see you with what you're wearing, the way your hair is, everything, in your voice.

01:27:16.000 So everything that I say, like me saying this right now, It would be you saying this right now.

01:27:21.000 Your voice, your face, your body, everything looks like you.

01:27:26.000 All through AI. Whoa.

01:27:28.000 So there's no fucking way to know what anybody is saying that's not true. 0.98

01:27:33.000 And then there's a big issue right now with celebrities, especially women. 0.99

01:27:37.000 They're making porns with them.

01:27:40.000 Oh, they're superimposing like a celebrity's face onto a...

01:27:46.000 They just face swap with AI. So this porn star is having sex with this person. 0.99

01:27:51.000 You face swap Natalie Portman or fucking Angelina Jolie. 1.00

01:27:56.000 And now you have a realistic looking sex tape of famous people getting fucked. 1.00

01:28:03.000 So I could see Judge Judy plowing the pizza boy? 1.00

01:28:05.000 Judge Judy. 1.00

01:28:06.000 Just sucking cock like it's going out of style. 1.00

01:28:09.000 Wow. 1.00

01:28:09.000 It's a closing sale. 1.00

01:28:11.000 Wow.

01:28:12.000 Imagine Judy Dent in a Pool Boy video.

01:28:16.000 Who's that one, Judy Dent? 1.00

01:28:17.000 Remember from the British actress?

01:28:21.000 I do not.

01:28:22.000 M from, what's her name?

01:28:25.000 Dench.

01:28:26.000 Judy Dench.

01:28:27.000 Bench?

01:28:27.000 Dench.

01:28:29.000 Dench.

01:28:29.000 Oh, there she is.

01:28:30.000 Imagine her and a pool boy.

01:28:32.000 Oh, she was hot when she was young.

01:28:34.000 No, I mean now.

01:28:35.000 But look at her when she was young.

01:28:36.000 She's so pretty.

01:28:37.000 Imagine her rubbing chlorine all over a pool boy. 1.00

01:28:40.000 Time is a ruthless bitch, isn't it? 1.00

01:28:41.000 She puts the net over his head. 1.00

01:28:43.000 I'm trying not to imagine.

01:28:44.000 I'm trying to power through this.

01:28:45.000 She's 89 years old.

01:28:46.000 Give the woman her due. 1.00

01:28:47.000 Give her her respect, son of a bitch. 1.00

01:28:50.000 How about I give her a check for cleaning the pool? 1.00

01:28:53.000 Wow.

01:28:53.000 Getting stuck in the dryer.

01:28:55.000 Whoa.

01:28:56.000 I can't.

01:28:57.000 Help me.

01:28:58.000 I can't get out.

01:29:00.000 Stuck in the dryer is my favorite. 0.95

01:29:02.000 The stuck in the dryer porns are my favorite because it's so ridiculous.

01:29:05.000 You can get out of the dryer.

01:29:07.000 I love it when they pull their head out and there's a cling-free sheet on their head.

01:29:15.000 They got a mouthful of lint.

01:29:17.000 Looks like they've been blowing an elf.

01:29:20.000 I can't believe I'm stuck in here.

01:29:21.000 Thank you for saving me.

01:29:23.000 You know what?

01:29:23.000 I tried the dryer sex once, and I accidentally, I was so impassioned, I hit the tumble cycle.

01:29:31.000 Oh, wow.

01:29:32.000 And so imagine being in your woman, and she starts swirling around, and you're holding on like a horse, a rodeo horse. 0.97

01:29:40.000 It was some of the best sex I've ever had. 0.97

01:29:42.000 Did you stay still while she spun? 0.98

01:29:44.000 She spun.

01:29:45.000 I just held on to her muffin top, and we swirled around like...

01:29:50.000 Did you get any concussions?

01:29:51.000 She did.

01:29:52.000 Yeah, holy God.

01:29:54.000 A lot banging around in there.

01:29:55.000 Oh, her head came out. 0.78

01:29:56.000 She looked like this cauliflower. 0.93

01:29:58.000 But I had one of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life. 0.95

01:30:01.000 That's a one-time deal, right? 0.53

01:30:03.000 Not really.

01:30:03.000 It's hard to trick her into doing that again.

01:30:05.000 Well...

01:30:07.000 Some women like adventure. 1.00

01:30:10.000 Yeah.

01:30:11.000 What's the weirdest place you've ever done it?

01:30:15.000 Your house.

01:30:16.000 That was you?

01:30:18.000 Wow.

01:30:20.000 I thought I heard that dog growling under the bed.

01:30:23.000 Yeah, I was doing it under the bed while you were on top of the bed to sleep.

01:30:27.000 Okay, pre-marriage, because I don't want to get you in trouble.

01:30:30.000 Where was the wildest place?

01:30:32.000 We were only 15, remember?

01:30:33.000 Yeah, where'd you do it?

01:30:35.000 Wildest place.

01:30:36.000 I guess in the woods.

01:30:37.000 When we were kids, there was nowhere to go.

01:30:39.000 So you go in the woods.

01:30:40.000 One time we got eaten up by mosquitoes, like our whole body.

01:30:42.000 Yeah!

01:30:43.000 Both of our bodies is covered in mosquitoes.

01:30:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:45.000 Because we're so retarded. 1.00

01:30:46.000 We got naked in the woods. 0.99

01:30:47.000 Yeah.

01:30:48.000 In July in Massachusetts.

01:30:50.000 Wow. 1.00

01:30:50.000 Yeah, but you're fucking 17. You don't know what the hell you're doing. 1.00

01:30:54.000 You're crazy. 1.00

01:30:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:55.000 Wild kids.

01:30:56.000 A lot in the woods?

01:30:58.000 Yeah, well, there was always...

01:31:00.000 Woods were always there.

01:31:01.000 Yeah.

01:31:02.000 There was a place when you were kids, you could just go to the woods.

01:31:04.000 Yeah.

01:31:04.000 Just bring a towel or a blanket or something.

01:31:06.000 Did you love it?

01:31:07.000 Just go to the woods.

01:31:08.000 Yeah, but the woods are scary, because anything in the woods is scary.

01:31:11.000 Things in the woods become scary, even if they're not scary anywhere else.

01:31:15.000 Like a baby, a naked baby in the woods just staring at you. 0.99

01:31:18.000 It's fucking terrifying. 1.00

01:31:19.000 There's no other place where a naked baby is scary. 1.00

01:31:23.000 If you're walking down the street, you see a naked baby like, oh my god, whose baby is this? 0.99

01:31:27.000 Does anybody know whose baby is this?

01:31:29.000 Hey little guy, hold on.

01:31:30.000 And then you call the police, you pick up the baby.

01:31:33.000 In the woods, you're like, we're gonna die! 1.00

01:31:35.000 It's a fucking naked baby just staring at us. 1.00

01:31:37.000 If it's hanging upside down from a red pine staring at you, that's pretty creepy. 1.00

01:31:42.000 Yeah, holding on by its feet.

01:31:44.000 Like a bat. 0.99

01:31:45.000 If you saw a baby in the woods just staring at you, you'd be fucking terrified. 0.99

01:31:49.000 Any other place. 0.97

01:31:51.000 So the woods are automatically scary.

01:31:54.000 And you're scared that you're gonna get caught, so that's exciting.

01:31:57.000 We're gonna get caught.

01:31:58.000 We're not going to get caught.

01:31:59.000 Don't worry.

01:31:59.000 We're going to go deep in the woods.

01:32:01.000 What about in the city though?

01:32:02.000 You ever do it in a crazy place in the city?

01:32:05.000 No, not really.

01:32:05.000 You?

01:32:06.000 Sewers? 1.00

01:32:07.000 You ever go in the sewer?

01:32:08.000 You ever go in a manhole?

01:32:09.000 I had a little fun on a Ferris wheel once.

01:32:12.000 Really?

01:32:12.000 Yeah.

01:32:13.000 Whoa.

01:32:13.000 Yeah.

01:32:14.000 We worried you were going to be at the bottom and wouldn't be able to stop?

01:32:17.000 Well, that was cool.

01:32:18.000 We would time it so that when we came down, it was like hands off, and then we'd swirl.

01:32:26.000 So it was like kind of this really fun sort of start and stop thing.

01:32:30.000 And then one time, I'm not kidding, the guy sort of recognized me.

01:32:35.000 And we were having, the guy here, the carny who ran it, like, when I got on, I said, oh, dude, I love you, right?

01:32:40.000 And so we were having so much fun, but we weren't finished.

01:32:44.000 And so he was letting everyone off.

01:32:48.000 I said, just leave us on.

01:32:49.000 Just please, Jed.

01:32:50.000 He goes, okay, I got you.

01:32:51.000 And we just, like, finished swirling.

01:32:53.000 Wow.

01:32:54.000 Yeah.

01:32:54.000 Congratulations.

01:32:55.000 Did you ever do it in the swirling teacups at Disneyland?

01:32:58.000 No.

01:32:59.000 Imagine if you did.

01:33:01.000 Boy, imagine throwing up right when you come.

01:33:04.000 It'd probably feel amazing.

01:33:05.000 Because even though throwing up sucks, it feels amazing when you have to throw up and you finally do.

01:33:11.000 It's purging.

01:33:12.000 You know that feeling?

01:33:13.000 Last time I threw up was about a year ago.

01:33:15.000 And it was in the middle of the night. 0.98

01:33:17.000 I got up and I was like, I feel like I'm going to fucking puke. 0.96

01:33:19.000 I didn't feel good going to bed. 0.98

01:33:22.000 And in the middle of the night, I was like, whoa.

01:33:23.000 And I woke up and I went to the bathroom to pee or throw up.

01:33:28.000 And I was like, oh boy, they might both happen at the same time.

01:33:32.000 And I held to pee.

01:33:33.000 And then I peed right over my throw up. 1.00

01:33:38.000 I don't give a fuck, dude. 1.00

01:33:39.000 Wow. 1.00

01:33:40.000 That's how wild that happened.

01:33:42.000 Mix and match.

01:33:43.000 I just pissed on the throw up.

01:33:44.000 Just left it.

01:33:46.000 Surf and turf.

01:33:47.000 Just a little throw up.

01:33:49.000 Did you do the thing when you barfed, like, right after you just curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position?

01:33:56.000 No, I never.

01:33:56.000 And felt the cool tiles on your naked skin?

01:33:59.000 No, I've never done that.

01:34:00.000 Me neither.

01:34:01.000 I do lay down on the bathroom floor sometimes when I get out of the sauna, though.

01:34:06.000 Oh, yeah. 0.80

01:34:07.000 Because the tile floor, like, right when you get out of the sauna, it's 185 fucking degrees or whatever it is. 0.85

01:34:12.000 Yeah. 0.74

01:34:12.000 I like to lay down that cool... 0.74

01:34:15.000 Can you do the ice soaking?

01:34:17.000 Yeah, but I mean inside my house.

01:34:19.000 When I'm inside my house, I have a sauna inside my house.

01:34:22.000 I have one outside, too.

01:34:23.000 I'd love to come over later and sit in it with you.

01:34:26.000 Come on over.

01:34:26.000 Let's hang out.

01:34:26.000 We got one here, too.

01:34:27.000 Just a couple hours.

01:34:27.000 We got one here.

01:34:28.000 I'd rather do the one at your house, I think.

01:34:30.000 Then we can have dinner, too.

01:34:31.000 Okay.

01:34:32.000 What, do you want to sleep over?

01:34:33.000 I wouldn't mind.

01:34:34.000 I bet you do.

01:34:35.000 We're going to work out in the morning?

01:34:37.000 No.

01:34:39.000 You can.

01:34:40.000 You're going to get the cold plunge?

01:34:42.000 No.

01:34:42.000 Oh, come on.

01:34:43.000 I'd sit in ice cream.

01:34:44.000 In a hot day, the cold plunge feels good for about five seconds.

01:34:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:49.000 In a hot day, you get in there like, oh, fuck. 0.98

01:34:52.000 I jumped in Lake Superior once, and it was one of those things, I probably stayed in about five minutes, and I've never experienced it, but when I got out for about 40 minutes after, I was shaking. 0.99

01:35:06.000 Mm-hmm.

01:35:06.000 Like it was so cold.

01:35:07.000 Here's a question.

01:35:08.000 Lake Superior.

01:35:09.000 Massive lake.

01:35:10.000 Used to be a glacier, right?

01:35:12.000 Yeah.

01:35:12.000 Okay.

01:35:12.000 Biggest of the Great Lakes.

01:35:13.000 Most of North America at one point in time, at least half of North America was covered by like a mile high sheet of ice.

01:35:20.000 Okay.

01:35:21.000 Right?

01:35:21.000 So you have this time period after the ice age where all that melts.

01:35:27.000 How the fuck do the fish get in there? 0.90

01:35:30.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:35:31.000 How the fuck did those fish get in there? 0.99

01:35:33.000 It's a mystery. 0.99

01:35:35.000 That's a really good question.

01:35:36.000 How did those lake trout get in there in the middle of the country?

01:35:39.000 Yeah.

01:35:39.000 This big-ass, giant lake trout.

01:35:41.000 How the fuck did they get in there? 0.99

01:35:43.000 Did they just evolve once the water melted? 0.99

01:35:45.000 Yeah.

01:35:45.000 Were there seeds of the fish in the ice waiting to be melted?

01:35:52.000 For real, though.

01:35:52.000 Yeah.

01:35:53.000 If that's all ice, the fish ain't getting in there.

01:35:57.000 How do they get in the middle of the lake? 0.99

01:35:58.000 The lake is fucking huge. 0.99

01:36:00.000 It's filled with fish. 0.98

01:36:01.000 There is a possibility, it's an extreme one, but I'm trying to answer your question, that a predatory bird, like an osprey or a gull or some kind of fish-eating bird...

01:36:13.000 Flies from the ocean.

01:36:15.000 ...caught a fish in a local river or a nearby lake adjacent to...

01:36:21.000 Where are those nearby lakes if the entire continent is covered in ice?

01:36:25.000 If the entire region was...

01:36:26.000 Well, have you ever been to a farm or anything like that, and sometimes they have those water troughs that they leave out for the cows, but they've been abandoned?

01:36:37.000 Or you come to a place where there's like a little puddle in a field or something, and somehow there's fish in it, and there's newts, and there's aquatic creatures, and you go, how did they get here?

01:36:51.000 Right.

01:36:51.000 How did a newt get up an aluminum bin and get down into this ecosystem that's evolved here?

01:36:59.000 It's fascinating.

01:37:01.000 Your question kind of raises the questions for all of creation.

01:37:09.000 We can look at evolution, we can look at the dawn of time, but really, has it ever been answered?

01:37:17.000 Not totally.

01:37:19.000 I mean, they don't have an exact time-by-time, like day-by-day timeline, but do they have an answer to how fish got into the Great Lakes?

01:37:27.000 I can't believe I never asked that before.

01:37:29.000 I never even thought of it before.

01:37:30.000 A huge body of water, of course, there's fish in there. 0.92

01:37:33.000 But if the whole continent was covered 10,000 years ago in ice, what the fuck happened?

01:37:38.000 Well, you might have to say, okay, somewhere there was a tributary that came from the ocean. 0.89

01:37:45.000 No, it would be from north.

01:37:46.000 It would be from up north.

01:37:47.000 But where did the fish come from from there?

01:37:49.000 Hudson's Bay down into Superior, and the ocean fish...

01:37:54.000 Maybe they probably swim up river from the warm areas.

01:37:58.000 Well, that's what salmon do when they spawn. 0.98

01:38:00.000 Yeah, I bet they swim up area.

01:38:02.000 That makes the most sense how they got in those lakes.

01:38:04.000 So those lakes must be connected to rivers, right?

01:38:07.000 Oh yeah, they have to be.

01:38:09.000 They all are.

01:38:09.000 They probably swim up into the lake and then evolve to become like these big lake creatures like lake trouts.

01:38:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:38:17.000 Because lake trout are fucking huge. 0.99

01:38:18.000 Lake trout can get huge, yeah. 0.99

01:38:20.000 Oh, man.

01:38:21.000 Yeah.

01:38:21.000 People ice fish them.

01:38:22.000 Yeah.

01:38:23.000 That's like a big way of fishing. 1.00

01:38:24.000 They're fucking crazy looking. 1.00

01:38:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:26.000 So that thing, you don't really find them, I mean, in the southern areas, right? 0.99

01:38:31.000 Those are northern fish, aren't they?

01:38:33.000 Lake trout?

01:38:34.000 Yeah.

01:38:35.000 They're sort of a deep water, really cold fish.

01:38:38.000 Right.

01:38:38.000 So they don't necessarily have to be way up north.

01:38:40.000 Right.

01:38:40.000 So if they evolved, so these lakes and streams from the lower part of the country...

01:38:46.000 So if you're talking about New Mexico or something like that, some area that wasn't covered in ice, these things swim all the way up the river, and then they evolve in this lake to become bigger and to become adapted to the cold, deep water.

01:39:00.000 Different species, yeah.

01:39:01.000 Crazy.

01:39:02.000 Dude, this is the mystery of where we are.

01:39:05.000 How about sturgeon?

01:39:07.000 Sturgeon, they're like dinosaurs. 1.00

01:39:08.000 Where do those fuckers come from? 1.00

01:39:09.000 These things are, what, a thousand pounds or more? 1.00

01:39:11.000 Huge!

01:39:12.000 Monsters.

01:39:12.000 They look like dinosaurs.

01:39:14.000 Prehistoric, yeah.

01:39:14.000 They look prehistoric.

01:39:16.000 Have you ever seen that thing that's in the Amazon?

01:39:18.000 It has essentially bulletproof scales?

01:39:23.000 Yeah, they're black. 0.98

01:39:24.000 What is it called?

01:39:26.000 Arapaia? 0.54

01:39:26.000 Yeah. 0.54

01:39:27.000 What's up, Jimmy?

01:39:28.000 The way the fish got into the Great Lakes is a way deeper story than I've uncovered so far, but the way salmon got there, specifically in the 60s.

01:39:38.000 People brought them there.

01:39:39.000 Yeah, a guy had to bring them there.

01:39:41.000 Mmm, that makes sense.

01:39:42.000 Fishing became very popular back then, so there was a lot of dead fish swimming on the shores for some reason.

01:39:48.000 I was trying to find out.

01:39:49.000 But were there any fish in there before the salmon?

01:39:52.000 There had to have been.

01:39:53.000 As you were first asking it, I've seen this image recently.

01:39:57.000 The depth of Lake Superior specifically is very deep.

01:40:02.000 1,333 feet. 1.00

01:40:04.000 Fuck! 0.99

01:40:05.000 So there could maybe have been something under there waiting for the ice to melt that came back up. 1.00

01:40:11.000 There's a bunch of stuff saying what he said too, where fish eggs get dropped by other birds and end up in the water.

01:40:18.000 I gotta think the river has a lot to do with it.

01:40:21.000 So this is like, you can't go up Niagara Falls.

01:40:24.000 That's true.

01:40:25.000 Wow, you can't.

01:40:27.000 Good point, Jamie.

01:40:29.000 That's a very good point. 0.99

01:40:30.000 How the fuck does it get past those? 1.00

01:40:32.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:40:34.000 What a mystery! 0.99

01:40:35.000 Harlan, we've maybe cracked or uncovered one of the biggest mysteries in humankind.

01:40:40.000 And no one's talking about it, buddy.

01:40:42.000 Yeah.

01:40:42.000 Isn't that incredible?

01:40:43.000 Yeah, aren't you glad I showed up?

01:40:45.000 We busted it out.

01:40:46.000 Wow.

01:40:46.000 We're the ones.

01:40:47.000 We're the ones.

01:40:48.000 Imagine tomorrow, like front page of every newspaper, Harlan Williams and Joe Rogan pose serious question as to how fish got in the Great Lakes.

01:40:57.000 And scientists are baffled.

01:40:58.000 And they all start talking to us, coming to us like, how did you guys realize that Fish had to get into the Great Lakes when the Great Lakes used to be covered in a glacier.

01:41:07.000 You guys are geniuses, untouched geniuses of nature.

01:41:11.000 And then maybe when Trump gets in for a second term, he appoints us to some sort of a nature advisory board and we give...

01:41:17.000 We could be the master ichthologists.

01:41:20.000 Yes.

01:41:21.000 We could be the people telling everybody how to fix all these problems with animals and people and...

01:41:25.000 But see, here's the other layer of this lasagna that we're not talking about.

01:41:30.000 You're talking about lake trout.

01:41:32.000 Right.

01:41:32.000 How about that Lake Superior probably has 60, 70 different species of fish.

01:41:38.000 I've fished Lake Superior.

01:41:39.000 I've caught whitefish.

01:41:40.000 I've caught lake trout.

01:41:42.000 There's all kinds of fish in there.

01:41:44.000 Right.

01:41:44.000 How'd they get in there?

01:41:45.000 By the way, I used to work on the shores of Lake Superior.

01:41:49.000 You'd like this, because I know you like bears and you like guns.

01:41:54.000 Believe it or not, there's a place on the shores of Lake Superior called Nays Provincial Park, where it's such a desolate place.

01:42:02.000 And in World War II, they had a German Nazi prisoner of war camp on the shores.

01:42:08.000 Whoa.

01:42:08.000 And the prisoners, it was so remote, no one could escape because they would have gone into the Canadian wilderness.

01:42:14.000 But the German soldiers captured somehow a black bear.

01:42:19.000 And trained it to box.

01:42:20.000 They put boxing gloves on it, and the Nazi soldiers, for entertainment purposes, would box with this black bear. 0.75

01:42:28.000 Jesus Christ.

01:42:29.000 And they sunk a whole bunch of wartime vehicles in Lake Superior.

01:42:36.000 Whoa.

01:42:37.000 Yeah.

01:42:37.000 How many bodies do you think are in Lake Superior?

01:42:40.000 I don't know, but they might be preserved.

01:42:42.000 It's so cold.

01:42:43.000 That's what I'm thinking.

01:42:43.000 If you went down.

01:42:44.000 Yeah.

01:42:45.000 If you dropped them all the way to the 1,300 feet just to...

01:42:48.000 Creepy skeleton with his 1970s jeans on, bell bottoms.

01:42:52.000 He might not even be a skeleton.

01:42:53.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:42:54.000 It's so cold, he might still have flesh and just be like your baby in the woods.

01:42:59.000 Just like, hi, Joe.

01:43:01.000 Would you like a fresh cauliflower?

01:43:04.000 Don't you think something would eat him?

01:43:06.000 Maybe more lamprey eels.

01:43:08.000 This thing's alive down there.

01:43:09.000 Lampreys.

01:43:10.000 You ever seen a lamprey?

01:43:11.000 Aren't they a saltwater creature? 0.98

01:43:14.000 No, freshwater.

01:43:15.000 They're in Lake Ontario.

01:43:16.000 Oh, really?

01:43:16.000 Yeah.

01:43:17.000 I know they cling to the bottom of sharks a lot, right?

01:43:20.000 They feed off of what the shark...

01:43:21.000 Those are remoras. 0.82

01:43:22.000 Oh, that's right.

01:43:24.000 Remoras, by the way...

01:43:25.000 Is lamprey similar to remoras?

01:43:26.000 No, a lamprey is one of the more horrific...

01:43:28.000 It has a round...

01:43:29.000 It's like an eel with a round suction cup.

01:43:32.000 With teeth.

01:43:32.000 With circular buzzsaw teeth, it affixes itself on the fish and slowly sucks their interiors out.

01:43:39.000 Jesus Christ.

01:43:41.000 If that was in a movie, you would say, oh my God.

01:43:43.000 Well, God, that's not real.

01:43:45.000 That's like Dune, right?

01:43:47.000 That's like the worm in Dune.

01:43:48.000 There is a movie, what's it called?

01:43:50.000 Let me see that one where that dude's holding it again.

01:43:52.000 That's so creepy.

01:43:53.000 Yeah, the lamp rat. 1.00

01:43:54.000 Look at that fucking mouth, man. 1.00

01:43:56.000 Well, what's amazing is it sucks your insides out and slowly eats you alive. 1.00

01:44:00.000 So it pulls the skin apart and then just sucks out all the organs?

01:44:05.000 No, it literally creates a hole.

01:44:06.000 Look at it biting that dude's hand. 0.99

01:44:08.000 Yeah, it puts a hole in the fish and just stays affixed to the same spot and eats its insides out.

01:44:15.000 They're older than dinosaurs, dude.

01:44:17.000 Yeah, now they're in the Great Lakes.

01:44:21.000 That's crazy. 0.99

01:44:22.000 How the fuck did they get in there? 0.99

01:44:23.000 So that's one attached to a fish? 0.99

01:44:26.000 Yeah, that's on a lake trout right there.

01:44:27.000 Can you show me that photo?

01:44:29.000 Oh, so that's the hole where it was...

01:44:31.000 No, that's it hanging.

01:44:32.000 Invasive.

01:44:33.000 Oh, those are the ones hanging.

01:44:34.000 Yeah.

01:44:34.000 And then see the hole?

01:44:35.000 You can see a hole where one let go.

01:44:38.000 And they just...

01:44:39.000 Click on that link, please.

01:44:40.000 Consume the fish.

01:44:41.000 Where are they from originally?

01:44:43.000 It says it's an invasive species.

01:44:45.000 I don't know.

01:44:46.000 Maybe the Amazon?

01:44:48.000 Does it say?

01:44:50.000 Wow.

01:44:52.000 Right, right, but where are they from?

01:44:54.000 It says it's invasive.

01:44:56.000 It's a sea lamprey.

01:44:57.000 Yeah.

01:44:58.000 They're in the Great Lakes.

01:45:00.000 The sea lamprey is invasive and it can cause problems in local ecosystems.

01:45:05.000 It's a lot to do with its size.

01:45:06.000 Sea lampreys are big compared to native species, so it comes from the ocean somehow or another.

01:45:11.000 And they can live in fresh water?

01:45:14.000 That's crazy.

01:45:15.000 Well, apparently the girl, I think her name's Maria Bell, was the first person to ever swim across Lake Ontario.

01:45:22.000 And she had to swim through schools of those, apparently, when she swam across Lake Ontario. 1.00

01:45:28.000 Oh my god, imagine those little fuckers grabbing ahold of your asshole. 1.00

01:45:32.000 Yeah, they're the perfect—they almost got asshole suckers for mouths. 1.00

01:45:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:37.000 Like, they're perfect.

01:45:38.000 I hate to see Dimitri around one of those.

01:45:41.000 So in the 1950s, the U.S. and Canada teamed up for population control measures, and they have worked several strategies, including traps to capture adult lampreys, lampricides, poison, target seed lamprey larvae,

01:45:56.000 and installing barriers are a few tactics to use.

01:45:59.000 Look at that.

01:46:00.000 What does it say?

01:46:04.000 That's a good thing.

01:46:05.000 Left multiple IC lampreys could significantly damage to the region's $7 billion fishing industry.

01:46:11.000 Huh.

01:46:12.000 Lampreys.

01:46:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:13.000 Creepy little fuckers. 1.00

01:46:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:15.000 And then the Remora...

01:46:17.000 Look how weird that thing is.

01:46:18.000 The Remora has a suction cup on its head, so the top of its head is a suction cup.

01:46:25.000 Look at that. 0.97

01:46:26.000 And I was sexually assaulted in Florida. 0.99

01:46:28.000 I had been eating a bacon sandwich and spilled some on my lap and went swimming, and that thing sucked me for about an hour and a half. 0.99

01:46:35.000 Look at the top of his head. 0.86

01:46:37.000 Well, someone's not paying attention.

01:46:39.000 I'm paying attention.

01:46:40.000 Well, I had a sexual assault and you glazed right over it. 0.99

01:46:42.000 I didn't believe you.

01:46:43.000 Well, it's true.

01:46:44.000 It lasted too long. 0.99

01:46:45.000 I can show you the suck mark. 0.98

01:46:46.000 If you said for like 30 seconds, I would have said, oh my God, that thing clung to his leg for 30 seconds. 0.97

01:46:50.000 But maybe I wanted to last. 0.98

01:46:52.000 Remember, you're talking to the dryer sex guy here. 0.97

01:46:54.000 Right, the guy with the baby inside of him. 0.98

01:46:56.000 Do you know that the Suckerfish...

01:46:58.000 What does it say?

01:46:58.000 Suckerfish latches to swimmer?

01:47:00.000 Whoa.

01:47:00.000 There you go.

01:47:01.000 Look at her.

01:47:02.000 She's hot. 1.00

01:47:03.000 But you know, the Spanish fishermen, you know, there was a time when you could eat sea turtles.

01:47:08.000 Right.

01:47:09.000 And the remora will swim to whatever's moving, because they feed off of the...

01:47:15.000 They're like parasitic fish.

01:47:17.000 When the shark eats, they'll catch all the scraps.

01:47:21.000 Right.

01:47:21.000 So Spanish fishermen, to their ingenuity, they used to eat sea turtles, and when they'd catch a remora, they'd keep it alive in the boat, and when they saw a sea turtle, they'd put it on their line, throw it in the water, the remoras would go to the sea turtles,

01:47:38.000 stick on the shell, and they'd reel in sea turtles.

01:47:41.000 Really?

01:47:41.000 Used to be able to eat them, yeah.

01:47:43.000 That's how they get it?

01:47:44.000 No, you're making this up.

01:47:45.000 No, that's for real.

01:47:46.000 This was in the past.

01:47:47.000 They clung to the sea turtle, and that's how they pulled it. 0.98

01:47:50.000 So they used it like a magnet to get sea turtles.

01:47:52.000 Right, yeah.

01:47:53.000 You saw the size of the sucker on its head, right?

01:47:55.000 So it would stick to the sea turtle, and then they could, in essence, pull in the...

01:48:01.000 Yeah, see, there's one.

01:48:02.000 Wow.

01:48:03.000 Yeah, so if you want to go fishing for sea turtles later, let me know.

01:48:06.000 That's crazy.

01:48:07.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:48:08.000 Some good sucking going on in the ocean.

01:48:10.000 They used to take the sea turtles and flip them on their back and put them in the bottom of the ship.

01:48:14.000 And then when they wanted to eat one, they just pick it up.

01:48:16.000 Because when you flip them on their back, they can't turn over, so they just lay there.

01:48:19.000 Yeah.

01:48:19.000 And they could stay alive for a long time without food or water.

01:48:22.000 Yeah, because they're air breathers. 0.95

01:48:23.000 Yeah, so you just leave them in there until you want to cook one.

01:48:26.000 Yeah, throw a leave over it.

01:48:27.000 Pick it up.

01:48:28.000 It's like fresh food.

01:48:29.000 I've seen a bunch of videos of people cooking and eating sea turtles in other countries.

01:48:34.000 Because there's some cooking show or fishing show where some guy went with them, and you're not allowed to do it, but you can be there while people are doing it.

01:48:41.000 If you're an American, you're not allowed to kill a sea turtle.

01:48:43.000 Yeah.

01:48:43.000 But in some parts of the world, like their local culture...

01:48:46.000 You know, like in some places...

01:48:48.000 Eskimos.

01:48:49.000 Yeah, Inuits are allowed to eat whale. 1.00

01:48:51.000 They can kill whale.

01:48:52.000 Yeah.

01:48:52.000 They can kill walrus.

01:48:54.000 Seals, all that stuff.

01:48:55.000 So these people are allowed to kill sea turtles.

01:48:57.000 But there's something really disturbing about watching a sea turtle get hacked apart.

01:49:02.000 Yeah, because they're so gentle.

01:49:03.000 I know, and they're so like, what is happening to me? 0.77

01:49:05.000 Yeah, they're just like little dummies swimming around.

01:49:07.000 They're not like a fish. 0.98

01:49:08.000 No.

01:49:09.000 Fish is just like, their eyes don't move that good.

01:49:12.000 They just move around a little. 0.99

01:49:13.000 You're so removed from me, I'm going to cut your head off and serve you sushi. 1.00

01:49:16.000 They're so sweet. 0.99

01:49:17.000 I was just in the Galapagos Island swimming underwater with sea turtles holding their flippers.

01:49:23.000 Also...

01:49:23.000 So sweet.

01:49:24.000 That's cute.

01:49:25.000 Also, sea turtles...

01:49:27.000 Trying to seem tough, but...

01:49:28.000 Turtles are always good guys.

01:49:31.000 Yeah.

01:49:32.000 In movies, like Ninja Turtles, they're the good guys.

01:49:35.000 Yeah.

01:49:35.000 Right?

01:49:36.000 Turtles are like your friend.

01:49:38.000 Yeah, they're buddies.

01:49:39.000 Yeah, they're your wise pal. 0.90

01:49:41.000 The turtles are never cunts.

01:49:42.000 It's never really a cunty turtle.

01:49:44.000 In like movie depictions.

01:49:47.000 Yeah.

01:49:48.000 Can you think of a cunty turtle?

01:49:50.000 Uh...

01:49:52.000 God.

01:49:53.000 Remember that giant turtle that fought Godzilla?

01:49:55.000 And the fire would come out of his shell.

01:49:57.000 There you go.

01:49:58.000 There's your example.

01:49:59.000 He would go fly.

01:49:59.000 He would spin around.

01:50:00.000 What was his name again?

01:50:01.000 Kanti?

01:50:02.000 No.

01:50:02.000 I don't think so.

01:50:04.000 Wow.

01:50:05.000 But turtles, that's one of those things that happens with people.

01:50:08.000 That's why people love bears. 0.96

01:50:10.000 Because you have teddy bears.

01:50:11.000 You have teddy bears, and you've got Yogi, and only you can prevent forest fires, all that stuff.

01:50:18.000 Like, oh, bears are your friends.

01:50:19.000 They're sweet.

01:50:20.000 Yeah.

01:50:21.000 And it's what a great PR campaign these murderous assassins have pulled off.

01:50:25.000 Yeah.

01:50:26.000 Getting us to like reintroduce them into areas where people are like, we're your friends!

01:50:30.000 They're not.

01:50:31.000 They're monsters. 1.00

01:50:32.000 Big ass monsters. 1.00

01:50:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:50:34.000 With a good PR campaign.

01:50:35.000 Polar bears will eat you faster than they'll do anything else.

01:50:39.000 Here's a fact. 1.00

01:50:40.000 Owls are dumb. 1.00

01:50:42.000 I thought they were wise. 1.00

01:50:44.000 I did, too.

01:50:45.000 I talked to a woman who trains birds, and she had all these different birds.

01:50:49.000 She had hawks and paragon falcons and all that. 0.99

01:50:52.000 She's like, owls are the dumbest. 1.00

01:50:54.000 There's only one animal dumber than them. 1.00

01:50:56.000 That's one of those big animals, one of those big birds, rather, that's dumber than them. 0.99

01:51:00.000 One of them big birds from Australia. 0.96

01:51:02.000 What are those things called?

01:51:02.000 Emu?

01:51:03.000 That's it. 1.00

01:51:04.000 That one's dumber. 1.00

01:51:05.000 Really? 1.00

01:51:06.000 That's the only animal that's dumber than an owl. 1.00

01:51:07.000 She's like, owls are so dumb. 1.00

01:51:10.000 I thought they were wise. 0.99

01:51:12.000 I had one booing outside of my house about two weeks ago, keeping me awake all night.

01:51:16.000 And I'm like, how do you deal with the wisest of all the birds, right?

01:51:20.000 So I go outside, I throw a Rubik's Cube up into the tree.

01:51:24.000 It comes back 30 seconds later, perfectly done. 0.99

01:51:28.000 So I don't think they're that dumb. 1.00

01:51:29.000 Wow. 1.00

01:51:31.000 Maybe you've got an autistic kid living in your tree. 1.00

01:51:33.000 Yeah.

01:51:37.000 Johnny! 0.96

01:51:38.000 I'm trying to sleep!

01:51:40.000 Come down, Johnny!

01:51:42.000 He's up there counting out loud.

01:51:44.000 So check this out, Joe.

01:51:49.000 He's up there doing log math in his head.

01:51:52.000 He's up there eating celery.

01:51:54.000 5,000 divided by 16. A beautiful mind.

01:51:57.000 He throws it back to you.

01:52:02.000 He keeps going on with his math.

01:52:04.000 I did do a movie once where I played a wizard and I had a Eurasian eagle owl.

01:52:11.000 I think they're the biggest of all the owls.

01:52:14.000 And they trained it to land on my arm on the big leather glove.

01:52:18.000 And I'd never worked with owls up close like that.

01:52:22.000 And the trainer, he was sitting like this with his talons.

01:52:26.000 And the trainer said, grab the back talon and pull it. 1.00

01:52:30.000 And I said, well, I don't want to hurt the thing.

01:52:33.000 He said, no, pull it.

01:52:34.000 So I grabbed the back, and I gave it a tug, and it didn't move.

01:52:38.000 And he goes, no, pull it as hard as you can.

01:52:41.000 And these are these big claws.

01:52:42.000 I grab it.

01:52:43.000 I could not move it.

01:52:45.000 And he goes, this is what an owl's death grip feels like.

01:52:49.000 When it clanks onto something, it's over.

01:52:53.000 I could not believe the strength in that talon.

01:52:57.000 It was crazy.

01:52:58.000 Yeah, I mean, they're raptors.

01:53:00.000 Yeah.

01:53:00.000 They're just wild.

01:53:01.000 They're claws.

01:53:02.000 When you see an eagle's claw, when they give you a close-up, it's like a human hand, but with spears at the tip of the fingers.

01:53:08.000 But I didn't understand the strength of them.

01:53:10.000 So strong.

01:53:11.000 Much stronger than your hands.

01:53:13.000 Yeah.

01:53:13.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:14.000 Well, imagine what they do when they just snatch a salmon out of the water and fly away with it.

01:53:20.000 Look at those things, man.

01:53:22.000 That's insane.

01:53:23.000 I mean, that is straight-up dinosaur tools. 1.00

01:53:26.000 Look at that fucking crate. 1.00

01:53:28.000 It's crazy. 1.00

01:53:28.000 And look at all the texture to it, all the muscles and ten. 1.00

01:53:31.000 What a monstrous...

01:53:32.000 And way more powerful than you would think just by looking at it.

01:53:36.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:37.000 I actually...

01:53:38.000 If you look at the claws of the osprey...

01:53:41.000 Look at that owl.

01:53:43.000 Those are fake.

01:53:44.000 He's got two hands, bro.

01:53:45.000 That's real.

01:53:46.000 No, those are...

01:53:47.000 No, that's the wise owl.

01:53:48.000 That's the real wise owl.

01:53:50.000 That can't be.

01:53:51.000 I don't think those are real.

01:53:51.000 He reads books with those.

01:53:52.000 Yeah.

01:53:54.000 He's up there in the tree reading books.

01:53:55.000 I didn't even see the problem with it at first.

01:53:57.000 I was like, what's wrong with it?

01:53:58.000 Yeah.

01:54:00.000 Welcome to the internet. 1.00

01:54:03.000 But I was so shocked that owls are dumb. 1.00

01:54:05.000 Yeah, it's really dumb. 1.00

01:54:07.000 Whoa! 0.99

01:54:08.000 Look at those claws. 0.99

01:54:09.000 Is that the Eurasian eagle owl?

01:54:10.000 Oh my god.

01:54:13.000 Oh my god, the great horned owl.

01:54:14.000 Look at those things.

01:54:15.000 That's so amazing.

01:54:17.000 That's what took my chihuahua. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Did it really? 1.00

01:54:19.000 Yeah, I had a chihuahua and one of those bastards. 1.00

01:54:22.000 Because they're big too. 1.00

01:54:23.000 Oh, they're big.

01:54:24.000 Those are fairly big.

01:54:24.000 They get a lot of cats.

01:54:26.000 Imagine my little chihuahua getting picked apart by that.

01:54:30.000 Wow.

01:54:31.000 I have a friend, and he was telling, I think Steve Ranello was telling us on the podcast, was he?

01:54:37.000 About the, like, they found this one owl's nest, and it was filled with, like, cats' little collars.

01:54:44.000 Oh, wow.

01:54:44.000 Yeah, there's, like, 30 different cat collars.

01:54:46.000 Oh, yeah.

01:54:47.000 Something like that.

01:54:48.000 Yeah, that's... 1.00

01:54:49.000 You're like, what the fuck, man? 1.00

01:54:50.000 They're just snatching cats out of people's backyards. 1.00

01:54:52.000 Tabby! 0.89

01:54:53.000 Tabby! 0.89

01:54:54.000 Tabby! 0.89

01:54:55.000 Time for dinner.

01:54:57.000 Gone.

01:54:58.000 Gone.

01:54:59.000 Not even the sound.

01:55:01.000 If you hear this, if you hear...

01:55:02.000 You ever heard the difference between the sound an owl makes when it flies?

01:55:08.000 They've done these...

01:55:09.000 Where they record the noise.

01:55:11.000 There is no sound.

01:55:12.000 It's insane.

01:55:12.000 It's silent.

01:55:13.000 When you see a hawk do it or an eagle do it, there's all this different birds have noise and then the owl makes no fucking noise. 0.94

01:55:20.000 The aerodynamics of an owl, they're like stealth bombers. 0.95

01:55:23.000 Just silent.

01:55:24.000 You know, the other wild one is tuna.

01:55:26.000 When tuna go through the water, they can go through the water to grab someone and grab something, and they don't even make a ripple.

01:55:34.000 Like when they go over the top of the water.

01:55:35.000 Really?

01:55:35.000 It's crazy.

01:55:36.000 I watched video of it.

01:55:37.000 It's bizarre.

01:55:38.000 Wait, when they jump?

01:55:39.000 Yeah.

01:55:39.000 No, when they're going through the top of the water.

01:55:42.000 Oh, I see.

01:55:42.000 They just slide through it like a knife.

01:55:43.000 Like a knife, yeah.

01:55:46.000 So that's a hawk.

01:55:47.000 Yeah.

01:55:49.000 Now watch the owl.

01:55:51.000 It's Kenza's turn.

01:56:01.000 Nothing.

01:56:01.000 Silent.

01:56:02.000 Silent.

01:56:04.000 Silent nighttime killer. 1.00

01:56:06.000 Dumb as shit. 1.00

01:56:08.000 Big stupid head with giant eyes. 1.00

01:56:10.000 Dumb as shit. 1.00

01:56:11.000 Just fucking killing everything again. 1.00

01:56:13.000 They're not that dumb. 1.00

01:56:15.000 They've got to be smarter than a woodpecker. 1.00

01:56:17.000 I think woodpeckers are way smarter.

01:56:19.000 Really?

01:56:19.000 I don't know.

01:56:20.000 What about a blue heron?

01:56:21.000 I don't think you can train a woodpecker.

01:56:22.000 This lady probably has a limited database to work with. 1.00

01:56:26.000 Everything she's got on her arm is like a raptor, except for the owl.

01:56:30.000 The falcons, she said, are the hardest.

01:56:32.000 Hawks and falcons, she goes, they just kill everything.

01:56:35.000 You let them go, they just go find things.

01:56:36.000 They'll kill squirrels. 1.00

01:56:37.000 They just can't stop killing.

01:56:40.000 She goes, these things, they're killing machines. 0.99

01:56:43.000 She goes, I let them go, they just find things and kill it immediately. 1.00

01:56:47.000 Find a bird, kill it. 1.00

01:56:48.000 Fly up to the bird, kill it. 1.00

01:56:49.000 They come back to her, but they just go kill things first. 0.96

01:56:52.000 Oh, this is a trained falcon.

01:56:54.000 Yeah, they're all trained.

01:56:55.000 But it doesn't matter.

01:56:56.000 Like, if you let a hawk go, hawks just go find something to kill.

01:57:00.000 Like, what do I got to kill?

01:57:01.000 They just fly around, like, oh, bird! 0.99

01:57:04.000 Boom, dead.

01:57:05.000 They're not even trying to eat it. 1.00

01:57:06.000 Squirrel, fuck you! 1.00

01:57:07.000 Bam! 1.00

01:57:07.000 Kill that squirrel. 1.00

01:57:08.000 So sport killing. 1.00

01:57:09.000 Sport killing.

01:57:10.000 Really? 0.96

01:57:10.000 They're just designed to kill. 0.96

01:57:12.000 Because not a lot of animals do that.

01:57:14.000 Some animals can't help themselves.

01:57:16.000 Lions do it to hyenas.

01:57:18.000 Yeah.

01:57:18.000 I bet that lion did it to that lady in that car.

01:57:21.000 I bet she wasn't eating it.

01:57:22.000 I bet that was a little bit of sport. 0.75

01:57:24.000 There's another old video where some Danish guy's going through a lion safari with his wife and kids, and he got out with his camera, and literally the kids and the wife, you see them in the car going berserk, and his legs are kicking in the air,

01:57:40.000 and the lion just came and devoured him right in front of the wife and kids. 0.99

01:57:44.000 Like, the idiot got out. 1.00

01:57:46.000 Some people are just fucking stupid, man. 1.00

01:57:49.000 That's Darwin, right? 1.00

01:57:50.000 Yeah.

01:57:51.000 That's the whole idea.

01:57:52.000 It's like, those people are not supposed to make it.

01:57:54.000 Yeah.

01:57:55.000 Yeah.

01:57:56.000 You're not supposed to make it.

01:57:57.000 But they've already bred.

01:57:59.000 That's the problem. 1.00

01:58:00.000 At least the kid has the benefit of seeing his dad get, like, my dad was so dumb. 1.00

01:58:05.000 Like, you know, you can have a dumb dad and get through things and be a different person than your dad was. 1.00

01:58:10.000 And if you're a dumb kid and your dad is dumb as shit, your dad gets out and gets eaten by a lion in front of you, that has a profound effect. 1.00

01:58:17.000 I gotta be honest though. 1.00

01:58:18.000 Not even saying that kid's dumb. 0.99

01:58:19.000 Maybe the kid's a genius. 1.00

01:58:21.000 You could have a genius kid, be stupid. 1.00

01:58:24.000 I gotta be honest though, Joe, in this world we live in where humans expire primarily in a hospital bed or at home around their loved ones with a disease, with whatever, cancer. 1.00

01:58:39.000 Right.

01:58:41.000 I really would rather die like jumping a lion. 0.62

01:58:46.000 Like, you know, at the family function, how'd he die? 0.65

01:58:49.000 He attacked a lion.

01:58:51.000 He went out on his shield.

01:58:52.000 Huh?

01:58:52.000 Yeah, you went out on your shield.

01:58:54.000 Yeah.

01:58:55.000 Yeah.

01:58:55.000 Like, I want to noble the death of, like, a warrior, right?

01:59:00.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:59:00.000 And going back to that story, this is going to sound ridiculous. 0.98

01:59:05.000 No way. 0.71

01:59:06.000 Yeah.

01:59:10.000 Going back to the story where I told you I saw the lion when my hand was shaking, there was that terrified part of me.

01:59:18.000 This is for real.

01:59:19.000 There were two male lions, no one else in the middle of Africa. 1.00

01:59:24.000 Part of me wanted to jump out of the truck and just run at the lion and attack it, knowing that I'd die, but knowing that it would be the most glorious death Of a man with courage or stupidity, 0.94

01:59:41.000 but at least I would die in a fashion where in the real world, organic, nature, man versus beast, beast versus beast, because I don't like to think of us as superior to other creatures, but that actually popped into my head. 0.98

01:59:59.000 I thought, I don't want to expire in the leukemia ward.

02:00:04.000 I don't want to be in hospice.

02:00:06.000 I've lived a good life, so imagine I just run at a lion.

02:00:10.000 In that last moment, I get to see the shock in its face of a human daring to jump on it and grab its...

02:00:18.000 And they would have been on me in a second, but I don't know.

02:00:21.000 Is that weird?

02:00:22.000 No.

02:00:22.000 Like, have you ever thought how you want to die?

02:00:24.000 Well, if you're going to die, especially if you're older and you know it's soon, that's a good way to go.

02:00:32.000 What are you saying? 0.95

02:00:32.000 Just run at that lion next time. 0.95

02:00:34.000 Have you ever thought about that?

02:00:36.000 No.

02:00:38.000 Would you be fine just expiring in a hospital bed?

02:00:42.000 Yeah, that's better than being torn apart in front of your family.

02:00:46.000 Yeah.

02:00:47.000 I'm not saying do it in front of your family.

02:00:49.000 What about the other people that are there with you?

02:00:50.000 No, not in front of your family, but if you just have that one-on-one moment.

02:00:53.000 Someone's got to take you to the line, right?

02:00:54.000 Let's say you're out hunting a grizz, and one day you just go, you know what?

02:00:59.000 You put the rifle down, and you just run at him and go, this is how I want to go.

02:01:05.000 Punching a grizz in the face, knowing you're going to die, but you go out in that... 1.00

02:01:13.000 That wild... 1.00

02:01:14.000 Punching a grizz in the face is like an ant punching you. 0.99

02:01:18.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:01:18.000 It's like being attacked by a kitten with no claws. 0.98

02:01:21.000 It is!

02:01:22.000 But you get that moment of being a man, of feeling that power.

02:01:27.000 No.

02:01:27.000 You'd rather just...

02:01:28.000 That's a stupid way to die. 1.00

02:01:29.000 ...have a heart attack. 1.00

02:01:30.000 Yeah.

02:01:31.000 Okay. 1.00

02:01:32.000 Yeah, that's a stupid way to die. 1.00

02:01:33.000 Well... 1.00

02:01:34.000 I mean, it's one thing if you get attacked by an animal when you're out in the woods.

02:01:39.000 Right.

02:01:39.000 And it's like, hey, this is the price you pay for being in nature.

02:01:42.000 But see, that's the thing.

02:01:43.000 They attack us.

02:01:44.000 Why can't we attack them now?

02:01:46.000 Flip it around.

02:01:47.000 Okay.

02:01:48.000 I'd like to.

02:01:49.000 Yeah, you can.

02:01:50.000 Okay, good.

02:01:50.000 Maybe I'm even inviting you to come with me to do it.

02:01:53.000 If you ever find out that you're going to die and that's how you want to go, I'll go.

02:01:56.000 You'd come with me?

02:01:57.000 Yeah, definitely.

02:01:58.000 I'll bring a rifle in case you change your mind.

02:02:01.000 As you're running, like, Joe, I changed my mind!

02:02:03.000 Boom! 0.99

02:02:04.000 I'll have my crosshairs on him.

02:02:05.000 You wouldn't run to the animal with me?

02:02:07.000 No.

02:02:08.000 No, I'll be there to watch.

02:02:11.000 If you want me to.

02:02:13.000 Yeah, I'd love that.

02:02:14.000 Okay.

02:02:15.000 It'll be a special moment we share.

02:02:17.000 Love sharing.

02:02:18.000 I'll be there when you pass over into the next stage of life.

02:02:21.000 But you've got to do me a favor.

02:02:22.000 Yeah.

02:02:22.000 If, like, heaven's real, if, like, there is an afterlife, or whatever it is, just let me know.

02:02:27.000 Oh, I would.

02:02:28.000 Come back and tell me.

02:02:29.000 Come in a dream.

02:02:30.000 Tell me in a dream.

02:02:31.000 Yeah.

02:02:32.000 Have you had a dream of someone who died, and it seemed, like, super realistic?

02:02:36.000 Ooh.

02:02:39.000 Yes!

02:02:41.000 I think I have.

02:02:42.000 What was it?

02:02:43.000 It might have been my dad.

02:02:45.000 Ooh.

02:02:46.000 Yeah, I just remember being really sad like he's gone and there was like this wave of emptiness.

02:02:52.000 Because my mother did die.

02:02:54.000 And are your parents still with us?

02:02:56.000 Yes.

02:02:56.000 So when my mother died, like this hole formed in my heart.

02:03:02.000 Like it literally felt like a hole.

02:03:04.000 And it can't close.

02:03:06.000 Like I can come to peace with it.

02:03:09.000 I can...

02:03:10.000 I can be at harmony with the fact that she's gone, and I wasn't even super close with my mom, but the hole that got left in my heart, it's like, ooh, if I focus on it, I can feel it immediately.

02:03:23.000 And it's just that connection to the mother, the person that brought you into this world, you know, is really, really powerful.

02:03:33.000 And so in the dream, what happened with your dad?

02:03:36.000 I can't remember.

02:03:37.000 It's foggy.

02:03:37.000 What I remember more than the actual moment is that feeling, that feeling of emptiness, that, oh, they're gone, you know, just gone forever.

02:03:47.000 And it was really sort of this sad, crushing feeling on my soul.

02:03:54.000 It's powerful.

02:03:56.000 I had a dream after Phil Hartman died.

02:03:59.000 And it wasn't that long after his death.

02:04:04.000 And in the dream, I ran into him, and it was very realistic.

02:04:10.000 Because we were outside, and he had one of those folding lawn chairs, and it was on the ground.

02:04:17.000 And I said, I said, hello?

02:04:22.000 And he was explaining to me that him and his wife had worked it out.

02:04:28.000 This is after his wife killed him.

02:04:30.000 You were right there, too, right?

02:04:32.000 I wasn't there when it happened.

02:04:33.000 No, but you were working the show when it happened, right?

02:04:36.000 Yeah.

02:04:37.000 Jesus.

02:04:38.000 And he laughed about it, like, yeah, we had a lot to work through, but we're good now.

02:04:44.000 Something along those lines.

02:04:46.000 And then he sat down in the lawn chair and fell backwards, like it stumbled backwards.

02:04:52.000 And then I looked and he was gone.

02:04:55.000 It was really weird.

02:04:57.000 And then I realized it was a dream.

02:04:58.000 And then I woke up.

02:04:59.000 But I remember thinking, like, in the moment, like, that seems so realistic.

02:05:03.000 Like, he was, like, telling me he's okay.

02:05:05.000 Because I tried to get him to divorce that lady a bunch of times while I was working with him.

02:05:11.000 Yeah, because they would fight, like, crazy fights, where he would just disappear for a couple...

02:05:15.000 He would leave the house, and he was telling me he wanted to get divorced, but he did want the lawyers to take a third.

02:05:21.000 Because it's like...

02:05:22.000 I was like, just kidding.

02:05:22.000 A third?

02:05:23.000 How about a half?

02:05:24.000 No, no, no.

02:05:25.000 It's two-thirds.

02:05:26.000 So the lawyer takes a third.

02:05:28.000 This is what he was telling me.

02:05:29.000 He's like, I go, just give her half.

02:05:30.000 You're always going to make money.

02:05:31.000 Just get out.

02:05:32.000 Be free.

02:05:34.000 And he was terrified of that.

02:05:36.000 He was terrified of leaving.

02:05:37.000 And so when he finally decided to leave, she murdered him in his sleep. 0.52

02:05:40.000 She shot him and then she shot herself.

02:05:42.000 And my friend was actually, my friend who was a cop, was actually there when she shot herself.

02:05:48.000 Oh, so that happened when the police approached the house.

02:05:51.000 Yes, yes.

02:05:52.000 Oh, wow.

02:05:53.000 Yeah, the police broke into the house to try to save the kids and she shot herself.

02:05:58.000 The kids ran away from their mom, he told me.

02:06:02.000 I hadn't done stand-up in two weeks after the murder.

02:06:06.000 I just couldn't imagine anything being funny.

02:06:09.000 And then I decided two weeks later to try to go to the comedy store.

02:06:13.000 So I'm at the gas station.

02:06:14.000 And while I was at the gas station, my friend, who was a cop, was there.

02:06:18.000 And I was like, hey, what's up?

02:06:19.000 How you doing?

02:06:19.000 He goes, hey, how you doing?

02:06:20.000 You good?

02:06:21.000 And I go, yeah.

02:06:22.000 He goes, you know, I was there.

02:06:23.000 I go, really?

02:06:24.000 And then he told me the whole story about how he was there and they saw the mom in the bathroom with the gun.

02:06:30.000 And the kids ran away from the mom when the cops broke down the door.

02:06:33.000 Because the cops saw her in the bathroom with the gun. 0.99

02:06:36.000 Yeah.

02:06:37.000 A lot of times in murder suicides the mother will kill her children. 1.00

02:06:41.000 Yeah, of course.

02:06:41.000 Yeah, and so they were she was in there with the gun talking to the kids and the kids freaked out And then when they broke down the front door the kids ran away from the mom and she just blew her brains out The only good side is they didn't see her do that, I'm guessing.

02:06:56.000 I'm hoping they didn't see that.

02:06:57.000 There's no good side.

02:06:58.000 I mean, there's no good side.

02:07:00.000 You lose your mother and your father in a murder homicide in one night, and you're like, what?

02:07:05.000 I mean, there's no good side to that.

02:07:07.000 With your intuition, like, obviously you were advising Phil to get away.

02:07:12.000 Yeah.

02:07:12.000 Was there ever a foresight in your head that she would murder him?

02:07:17.000 No.

02:07:18.000 Wow.

02:07:19.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:07:20.000 Isn't that funny how we just don't know people?

02:07:22.000 First of all, she was also on Zoloft and cocaine.

02:07:26.000 And the family won some sort of a settlement with Zoloft.

02:07:31.000 Not much, but...

02:07:34.000 There's instances where people mix Zoloft with cocaine that they have psychotic reactions.

02:07:39.000 I suspect that's what was going on.

02:07:44.000 They hated each other.

02:07:46.000 Really?

02:07:47.000 They loved each other and they hated each other.

02:07:48.000 It was one of those deals.

02:07:50.000 She would insult him publicly.

02:07:52.000 It was rough, man.

02:07:55.000 I was just saying...

02:07:58.000 You're a great guy.

02:07:59.000 You don't need to be going through this.

02:08:01.000 You need to get divorced and share custody of your kids and try to set an example.

02:08:08.000 You can't do this.

02:08:10.000 The fighting was so bad.

02:08:13.000 He hated it.

02:08:14.000 He didn't want to be married to her.

02:08:15.000 He was stuck.

02:08:17.000 And I told him, like, you can't just stay stuck and just let these circumstances overcome your existence.

02:08:23.000 Yeah, no matter how hard it is, you have to push through.

02:08:27.000 So we had a break.

02:08:28.000 We were done filming for a bit until we went back for the next season.

02:08:32.000 And one day I woke up and someone called me and told me.

02:08:37.000 And then I saw it on the news and it was just like, what?

02:08:40.000 And then everybody was calling everybody and we all got together. 1.00

02:08:44.000 We were like, fuck. 0.99

02:08:47.000 It's just so hard to believe. 1.00

02:08:48.000 It doesn't make sense.

02:08:49.000 It's like, how?

02:08:51.000 Was he your buddy?

02:08:52.000 Like, were you friends with him off set?

02:08:54.000 Like, did you chum around and stuff?

02:08:56.000 Yeah, he actually took me up in his plane once to find where I wound up buying a house.

02:09:03.000 Because he goes, one of the cool things about flying is, like, I can show you.

02:09:07.000 Because he had gotten his pilot license while we were on the show together.

02:09:11.000 Yeah.

02:09:12.000 And so he was always practicing that he bought one of these single-engine planes.

02:09:16.000 It was pretty cool.

02:09:17.000 And so he said, do you want to come out for a flight?

02:09:20.000 I'll show you around.

02:09:20.000 I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

02:09:22.000 And so we flew around the valley and he showed me all these different areas.

02:09:27.000 He was a great guy, man.

02:09:30.000 Sweet, sweet guy.

02:09:31.000 Given the turmoil in his relationship, were you privy to the knowledge that they had a gun in the house?

02:09:39.000 No, no.

02:09:41.000 Because when you're going through something bad with a spouse, I don't think it's good having a gun in the house.

02:09:47.000 Because someone could flick like that, you know?

02:09:49.000 I guess.

02:09:50.000 Yeah, that's a horrible thing to think.

02:09:51.000 But I don't even know whose gun it was.

02:09:53.000 I don't know anything.

02:09:55.000 I don't know if it was her gun.

02:09:56.000 I don't know if I knew about the gun.

02:09:58.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:09:59.000 Damn. 0.98

02:10:01.000 But the dream was so strange because the dream was like him letting me know he's fine. 0.99

02:10:04.000 He was Phil.

02:10:05.000 He was laughing. 0.60

02:10:07.000 He made some sort of a joke about his wife killing him.

02:10:11.000 And we got through that now.

02:10:13.000 And then he sat down on the lawn chair and fell backwards.

02:10:16.000 It slipped back.

02:10:17.000 And I think I looked down at the ground and I looked at him and he was gone.

02:10:22.000 And then I was like, oh, this is a dream.

02:10:23.000 And then I woke up.

02:10:25.000 Did you feel like closure to a degree?

02:10:29.000 Yeah, weirdly, weirdly.

02:10:30.000 It felt like it was him letting me know not to freak out about it.

02:10:32.000 Yeah, like let it go.

02:10:34.000 Yeah.

02:10:35.000 Dude.

02:10:35.000 But you're always going to freak out about it.

02:10:36.000 You freak out about the kids.

02:10:38.000 Yeah.

02:10:38.000 The kids is a big one.

02:10:39.000 You just can't imagine what it'd be like if that was you, if you were a kid.

02:10:43.000 And then all of a sudden your mom shoots your dad and then shoots herself.

02:10:46.000 And then it's public.

02:10:47.000 It's not just...

02:10:48.000 It's not just that it's this thing that you have to deal with.

02:10:51.000 It's the thing that everybody wants to talk to you about, because the whole world knows about it, because he was a famous guy.

02:10:57.000 Yeah.

02:10:58.000 Well, not only famous, but what really kind of was hard to get your head around.

02:11:07.000 Is you have this guy who's an extreme comedy force, right?

02:11:11.000 And you don't think of joyous sort of comedy, people that elicit laughter and violence like that.

02:11:19.000 And so the fact here was this funny sort of ha-ha-ha guy that brought so much laughter, and then that kind of ending, it's like it just doesn't fit.

02:11:29.000 But not only that, it's like, when does the wife kill the husband with a gun? 0.88

02:11:32.000 How often is that?

02:11:33.000 That's so rare.

02:11:34.000 An execution style in the sleep.

02:11:36.000 While they're sleeping.

02:11:36.000 Yeah.

02:11:37.000 Oh, my God.

02:11:38.000 What must have been going through her head, too?

02:11:40.000 Zoloft and cocaine.

02:11:42.000 Yeah.

02:11:42.000 What's Zoloft?

02:11:43.000 It's an antidepressant, SSRI. Oh.

02:11:47.000 Yeah.

02:11:47.000 Wow.

02:11:49.000 Yeah.

02:11:50.000 Google the results of the side effects of mixing Zoloft with cocaine.

02:11:56.000 I think there's a few psychiatric medications that if you mix with alcohol or if you mix with cocaine, you get really crazy behavior. 0.99

02:12:05.000 Like, people just go off the fucking rails. 0.99

02:12:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:09.000 I don't know even how much control they have.

02:12:13.000 I don't know what that feels like.

02:12:14.000 Like, what does that feel like when you're on Zoloft and cocaine? 1.00

02:12:17.000 You might be fucking a raving maniac. 1.00

02:12:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:21.000 You know? 0.99

02:12:21.000 Just that maniac. 0.99

02:12:22.000 Anything on that?

02:12:25.000 Zoloft.

02:12:25.000 Yeah.

02:12:26.000 Like, just that name sounds like it's crazy time.

02:12:29.000 Sounds like it's from the Star Trek.

02:12:31.000 Yeah, it sounds like one of the planets they landed on, right?

02:12:34.000 Yeah, Zoloft is not comforting.

02:12:36.000 The Zolofts are here.

02:12:37.000 I wonder if they named it that to make it seem like it's super advanced.

02:12:40.000 Like, you're gonna take Zoloft.

02:12:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:12:42.000 Oh, it's fucking super advanced. 0.99

02:12:44.000 It just sounds like nutty time. 0.98

02:12:45.000 That's gonna fix it.

02:12:47.000 Yeah.

02:12:47.000 That's gonna fix it.

02:12:49.000 Look, if there was a legitimate happy pill that worked like that with everybody, that gave you sort of like a low dose of MDMA all throughout the day, it's probably a good thing for everybody.

02:12:59.000 As long as there's no side effects.

02:13:01.000 I'm mixed on that.

02:13:03.000 Yeah?

02:13:04.000 Because I think we were bioengineered.

02:13:08.000 To have what we have.

02:13:11.000 On a daily basis, if you start tinkering with what the structure was, how it was already the architecture of the structure, I feel like it's not maybe necessarily a good thing.

02:13:25.000 Taking cocaine and antidepressants can interfere with your medication's ability to balance the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain, making them ineffective and possibly worsening your symptoms.

02:13:35.000 Essentially, antidepressants are meant to correct any chemical imbalances that may contribute to depression such as low serotonin.

02:13:41.000 Cocaine, on the other hand, is abused to spike dopamine and serotonin levels producing an energetic and euphoric high.

02:13:50.000 Although this rush of dopamine and serotonin makes them feel great for a few minutes, Mixing antidepressants and cocaine can produce serotonin syndrome, which is marked by symptoms like confusion, anxiety, fear, diarrhea, vomiting, seizures, and coma.

02:14:03.000 Additionally, taking cocaine with other drugs also increases the individual's risk of addiction.

02:14:08.000 Chronic users often require cocaine addiction treatment and treatment for cocaine withdrawal symptoms to recover.

02:14:15.000 Is there mixing Zoloft and cocaine psychotic behavior?

02:14:20.000 Google that.

02:14:22.000 Oh, there's gotta be.

02:14:24.000 Because I think that was something that, like, in limited numbers of people, they observed some, like, craziness.

02:14:31.000 Yeah.

02:14:32.000 That's...

02:14:33.000 Poor guy, man.

02:14:35.000 Sorry, dude.

02:14:35.000 That's a traumatic story.

02:14:37.000 Yeah, it's a rough story.

02:14:39.000 But, you know, it happened 25 years ago or whatever it was.

02:14:42.000 Still, it's just like...

02:14:44.000 Crazy.

02:14:45.000 Crazy to believe. 0.52

02:14:46.000 It's hard to believe.

02:14:47.000 You know, it's hard to believe that someone could do that to someone that they're married to, that they have children with, that they love, supposedly. 0.98

02:14:54.000 That you would lose your mind that far that you would shoot them in the sleep. 1.00

02:14:58.000 It's fucking... 1.00

02:15:00.000 Well, it's the Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison from The Doors, Janis Joplin syndrome. 1.00

02:15:06.000 They were cut down.

02:15:08.000 They left us with who knows what else to offer us.

02:15:12.000 So many untold jokes, stories, moments.

02:15:16.000 Phil Hartman was obviously multi-talented as an actor, too.

02:15:19.000 He was an artist.

02:15:27.000 I don't think he even made it onto Saturday Night Live until he was in his late 30s.

02:15:33.000 Wow.

02:15:34.000 The thing of him is he...

02:15:39.000 Yeah.

02:15:44.000 Yeah. 0.52

02:15:54.000 And it was interesting because he came over from Saturday Night Live, which is like this really competitive, like shitty environment.

02:16:00.000 They snipe at each other and do horrible things to each other behind the scenes.

02:16:03.000 They do?

02:16:04.000 Yeah, he told me it was terrible.

02:16:05.000 And so when he came to news radio, to the sitcom, which was the opposite, everybody was...

02:16:11.000 Very loose. 0.99

02:16:12.000 Everybody was silly. 0.96

02:16:13.000 We'd all go out drinking together. 0.97

02:16:15.000 It was a good time.

02:16:16.000 There wasn't any weird shittiness.

02:16:18.000 Oh, good.

02:16:19.000 And he had to adjust.

02:16:21.000 So he would tell me about it.

02:16:24.000 He used to like to smoke a little weed.

02:16:26.000 So I'd hang out with him.

02:16:27.000 This was back when I wasn't smoking weed.

02:16:29.000 And he'd smoke a little weed.

02:16:30.000 We'd talk about stuff.

02:16:32.000 He hated being there.

02:16:33.000 It was just all backstabbers.

02:16:35.000 Yeah.

02:16:35.000 Yeah, I've heard that story at SNL. Yeah, they'll steal your ideas for your sketches, and Jim Brewer had horrible stories about that, where he had sketch ideas, and he'd put them in this spreadsheet, and they could read the spreadsheet of what you were going to do the sketches on.

02:16:52.000 Yeah.

02:16:53.000 Other senior writers would steal those sketches and say, we're doing something on that. 1.00

02:16:57.000 And just like, fuck you, man. 1.00

02:16:59.000 It was just like this constant battle. 1.00

02:17:02.000 And he said he had it with cast members, he had it with writers.

02:17:06.000 And so Phil was like, ugh.

02:17:08.000 That's not conducive for comedy.

02:17:10.000 It's the worst.

02:17:11.000 Yeah.

02:17:12.000 It's the worst for comedy.

02:17:12.000 But that's like that...

02:17:14.000 Really weak man, backstabbing shit when they get power. 1.00

02:17:20.000 That happens when they have too much power unchecked and no one's watching them and they get away with things like stealing younger writers' premises and it's all dog-eat-dog. 1.00

02:17:31.000 Everybody's just trying to get to the top.

02:17:33.000 That's always been a part of stand-up. 0.98

02:17:35.000 I've always been a part of comedies, like people stealing people's bits and the famous person steals them and the unfamous person's fucked and destroys their lives. 0.93

02:17:44.000 We've seen it happen before.

02:17:46.000 Has anyone ripped you off ever?

02:17:48.000 Yeah, sure.

02:17:49.000 A bunch of times.

02:17:50.000 Yeah.

02:17:51.000 Yeah, I've confronted people and they told me they wouldn't do it again.

02:17:54.000 Then I heard they were doing it again.

02:17:56.000 Like there's certain people that have always been buccaneers.

02:17:59.000 They've always been joke buccaneers.

02:18:01.000 You know, it's a problem.

02:18:03.000 And you know, they don't have any friends, those people.

02:18:06.000 They sometimes have like...

02:18:08.000 Like a vampire familiar opening act.

02:18:11.000 So this opening act will go with them and they'll steal bits from them too.

02:18:15.000 There was a bunch of guys that got away with that before the internet rolled around.

02:18:18.000 There was a predatory type of comedian that would just poach other people's premises and sort of rework them.

02:18:25.000 They didn't have any...

02:18:26.000 There was nothing that they did that was creative on their own.

02:18:30.000 Everything was derivative of somebody else's work.

02:18:32.000 Everything.

02:18:33.000 I always heard, and I'm sure he could do anything he wanted on his own volition, but I had always heard stories that Robin Williams was that guy.

02:18:43.000 Did you ever hear anything about that?

02:18:45.000 Yeah, I heard a lot of stories that he was that guy.

02:18:47.000 Yeah, and I think Robin Williams was so, like, part of that manic sort of style.

02:18:52.000 It's like this constant need to have a bit about anything that you're talking about ever.

02:18:58.000 Killing I think was more important and filling that hole inside of him was more important than anything.

02:19:03.000 And so he would just do other people's stuff if he didn't have anything to say.

02:19:07.000 Did he get confronted by other comedians?

02:19:09.000 Oh, yeah.

02:19:10.000 There's a lot of stories.

02:19:11.000 Kinnison got mad at him.

02:19:12.000 Oh, really?

02:19:13.000 He stole from Kinnison?

02:19:14.000 Yeah, he stole from everybody.

02:19:15.000 He stole from a lot of people.

02:19:16.000 So it is true.

02:19:17.000 I'd always heard that.

02:19:18.000 Yeah, it's true.

02:19:19.000 If you ask any of those comics from back then, there's always instances of Robin going on a talk show and doing your bit or going on this and doing your bit.

02:19:27.000 Yeah.

02:19:28.000 Doing your bit at a club.

02:19:29.000 Yeah.

02:19:30.000 With him, do you think it was because he was just so spontaneous, he would just like puke it out?

02:19:35.000 There's no way.

02:19:36.000 I think he wanted to kill more than he wanted to be ethical. 1.00

02:19:40.000 So at any cost, I will kill. 1.00

02:19:43.000 Yeah, at any cost. 0.98

02:19:43.000 And especially back then when no one was really watching you other than comedians. 0.98

02:19:47.000 Like even up into the 2000s, like the Mencia thing happened in 2007, right?

02:19:53.000 Yeah.

02:19:55.000 They were more willing to side with someone who they thought was more profitable than the truth.

02:20:04.000 Than the truth about what is this person doing and how are they getting this material?

02:20:07.000 This is pretty clear that they're plagiarizing.

02:20:09.000 And if it's any other form of entertainment, like music, they'll bring you to court and you lose.

02:20:17.000 And then all the money from those songs It has to come to the original person because you copied their song.

02:20:24.000 That's a classic thing.

02:20:26.000 Happens in literature all the time.

02:20:28.000 That woman who was the president of Harvard got busted plagiarizing. 0.99

02:20:31.000 She's not a president of Harvard anymore.

02:20:32.000 There's consequences always, but in comedy, It's always been self-policed.

02:20:40.000 It's a weird thing, that thing that people do, where they try to pawn off other people's bits as their own.

02:20:49.000 It's a vampire thing, because you're around all these creative people, and you're just stealing a little bit from this guy and a little bit from that guy, and people are scared of you.

02:20:58.000 Did you ever put a guy up against the wall?

02:21:00.000 No, I didn't have to do that.

02:21:01.000 How come?

02:21:02.000 Because I just said things.

02:21:04.000 Like you just verbally confronted... 0.99

02:21:06.000 I just said, hey, man, don't do my fucking material anymore. 0.99

02:21:08.000 You know that's my material. 0.99

02:21:10.000 Yeah.

02:21:11.000 Just like that.

02:21:12.000 And, you know, they're probably still going to do it, unless you want to hurt them. 0.51

02:21:16.000 But it's like, the thing about those people is they always get caught, and when they get caught, everything after that sucks.

02:21:22.000 This is how you know if a thief is legitimately a thief.

02:21:26.000 If they're being unjustly accused, they're always going to come up with new material.

02:21:29.000 They're always going to be creative.

02:21:31.000 They're always going to have new great jokes because they're actually writing and working on it.

02:21:34.000 But if it's true, what you see is an initial special or something or a few things they do that are really funny.

02:21:44.000 And then you see this massive drop-off in the concepts that they talk about, the irony that they discover.

02:21:54.000 They don't have any legitimate points where you're like, wow, that is crazy.

02:21:59.000 There's none of that.

02:22:00.000 It all goes away.

02:22:01.000 And it becomes almost like a person doing an impression of the original successful person.

02:22:06.000 Because they have no creativity.

02:22:07.000 And now they're exposed.

02:22:08.000 So now they have to be really careful.

02:22:10.000 So you see that with every thief.

02:22:12.000 You see a couple early, like, big specials or something, and then you see massive drop-off and terrible performances after that.

02:22:21.000 It's because they're not real.

02:22:23.000 Yeah, I think I can think of a few. 1.00

02:22:24.000 They're parasites. 1.00

02:22:26.000 That's what they are. 1.00

02:22:27.000 They're vampires. 0.91

02:22:28.000 And they're stealing from artists.

02:22:30.000 And they're tolerated a lot of times because they're very successful.

02:22:34.000 And one of the creepy things they do is they start hiring people to work for them.

02:22:38.000 Like they'll have a television show or something, and they'll hire legitimate people to work for them.

02:22:41.000 And those people now become like confidants.

02:22:45.000 And so they kind of keep it under wraps.

02:22:48.000 They try to defend that person publicly. 0.99

02:22:50.000 It's a very slick PR move for scumbags. 0.98

02:22:53.000 And some of those people working for them could be writers that will steal for them too on their behalf. 0.99

02:22:59.000 That becomes a problem too.

02:23:01.000 One of the things that we noticed in the early days of the store is that the guys who are thieves, their opening acts would become thieves.

02:23:07.000 Because even if the opening acts had potential, and some of them got out of it and actually became like legit comics eventually, but they were seeing the shortcuts that this guy was taking, they were seeing this guy driving a Mercedes, and they're like, I want to take shortcuts too.

02:23:19.000 This is how you do it.

02:23:20.000 If you want to get by, this is my mentor. 1.00

02:23:22.000 If that's your mentor, if your mentor is a buccaneer, and you're like, okay, I guess this is a fucking dog. 0.99

02:23:28.000 I thought I was an artist. 1.00

02:23:29.000 I guess this is a dog-eat-dog world.

02:23:31.000 Eventually I'll stop stealing, but right now I've got to make it.

02:23:33.000 Bad approach.

02:23:34.000 Crazy. 0.76

02:23:35.000 Kind of crazy. 0.58

02:23:36.000 Did anyone ever approach you and say, hey, Rogan, that's my bit?

02:23:40.000 No.

02:23:41.000 I have had people approach me where I know that it wasn't their bit, and I know they were trying to steal a bit.

02:23:47.000 Oh, really?

02:23:48.000 One of the things that thieves will do, I actually do a bit on that, too.

02:23:52.000 Yeah.

02:23:53.000 And you're like, that's really interesting because I've been doing this bit for two years and you've seen me do comedy.

02:23:57.000 Yeah.

02:23:57.000 So what do we do in here?

02:23:58.000 Yeah.

02:23:59.000 So there's like a thing they do to let you know, hey, I didn't steal this from you, but I have a bit on that too.

02:24:03.000 Yeah.

02:24:03.000 But you kind of did, didn't you?

02:24:05.000 Yeah.

02:24:05.000 You know, there's those moments.

02:24:06.000 Yeah, it's that little kind of poke the cage.

02:24:09.000 Yeah.

02:24:09.000 And then there's also like public events, like some big thing that happens.

02:24:14.000 Everyone's going to have a bit on it.

02:24:15.000 You know, like the submarine explosion.

02:24:17.000 You can't say, hey, I do a bit on the submarine.

02:24:20.000 The border wall.

02:24:22.000 Everybody's got a bit on the border wall.

02:24:24.000 There's certain things where it's just you know.

02:24:27.000 But we know who's writing.

02:24:31.000 We see them.

02:24:32.000 We see them go up.

02:24:33.000 If you go to the mothership, on any given night, someone's going to do a joke at the bombs.

02:24:36.000 And then that joke...

02:24:39.000 Maybe next time they'll tweak it.

02:24:40.000 You know, maybe they come up into the green room.

02:24:42.000 This many times has happened.

02:24:43.000 One of us will say a joke, I'll say a joke. 0.98

02:24:45.000 I'm like, this joke is just fucking, I can't go anywhere with it. 0.97

02:24:48.000 I know there's something there, but I can't. 0.99

02:24:50.000 And we'll fuck around. 1.00

02:24:52.000 We'll bounce off each other. 1.00

02:24:53.000 We'll network it.

02:24:54.000 And then someone will go up with the version of it that's tightened up, and then it starts killing.

02:25:00.000 We're like, ah, we got it!

02:25:01.000 It works!

02:25:02.000 And so it's like this cooperative project.

02:25:05.000 But it's just, if you're not doing that, then you're not creating new material.

02:25:09.000 Because new material's never perfect.

02:25:11.000 Sometimes it is.

02:25:13.000 Sometimes you have a bit, like, it came to you, and it's hilarious right away, and it kind of stays in that same form.

02:25:21.000 But then a lot of times, it's like, you know there's something there, but you don't know how you're going to extract it.

02:25:26.000 Yeah, some of my favorite moments is...

02:25:28.000 I'm one of these guys, I don't know why I do this.

02:25:31.000 I think it's for the thrill of the kill.

02:25:33.000 But I love to go to the show early, like at the store or whatever.

02:25:39.000 I'll go, like, you know, two comics early.

02:25:42.000 And I'll sit in the back...

02:25:44.000 And I don't know what my opening bit's going to be.

02:25:48.000 And I realize those two comics have between them about, I don't know, 25 minutes.

02:25:54.000 They're doing 12 minutes each.

02:25:56.000 And I go, between them and me going up, I've got to come up with my opening bit.

02:26:02.000 And I'll create it as I'm in the back of the room.

02:26:06.000 I call it kind of sort of like swimming, you know, reaching for air when you're drowning.

02:26:11.000 Right, where you know you have to say something.

02:26:14.000 I have to do it.

02:26:14.000 So it forces your brain to come up with something funny to say off the top.

02:26:17.000 Right, and I'll go up and do it as...

02:26:19.000 And again, the opening bit is always the hardest.

02:26:22.000 Right.

02:26:22.000 So if you can lay a new bomb...

02:26:25.000 As your opening bit that you just came up with, I love doing that.

02:26:29.000 That's a great way to put yourself under pressure.

02:26:32.000 Oh, I love it.

02:26:32.000 I love it.

02:26:33.000 Have you done Bottom of the Barrel yet at the Mothership?

02:26:36.000 No, what's that?

02:26:37.000 We did it last night.

02:26:38.000 Next time you're in town on a Tuesday night, Brian Simpson, who we just called...

02:26:43.000 Oh, are you reaching the bucket?

02:26:45.000 Yes.

02:26:45.000 Yeah, I did it about a month ago.

02:26:47.000 That's the best.

02:26:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:26:48.000 Because your back is against the wall.

02:26:49.000 Shane and I did it last night for a half an hour.

02:26:51.000 We do it together sometimes.

02:26:53.000 Oh, wow.

02:26:53.000 So Shane and I went up at the end of the show.

02:26:56.000 Oh my God, we had so much fun.

02:26:57.000 That's it?

02:26:57.000 It's fun, man.

02:26:58.000 We had so much fun.

02:26:58.000 It was so much.

02:26:59.000 We're laughing.

02:27:00.000 We're laughing so hard.

02:27:02.000 I'm laughing at him.

02:27:03.000 We're laughing at each other.

02:27:05.000 We're laughing at the audience.

02:27:05.000 The audience is laughing.

02:27:06.000 It was like such a party because they know we're just pulling these things out.

02:27:10.000 Yeah, you pull You pull out words, right?

02:27:11.000 Yeah, you pull out words.

02:27:13.000 Oh, yeah.

02:27:14.000 So it was cool as a team thing, too, because sometimes he's ranting about something, we're all laughing, and I'll just, while it's happening, I'll pull in the bucket, try to find another good one.

02:27:22.000 What's the next one going to be?

02:27:24.000 So we got one on deck.

02:27:25.000 Wow.

02:27:26.000 But it's like having that thing where you're forced to come up with something funny in the moment.

02:27:32.000 It's a good little exercise for creativity.

02:27:35.000 Yeah, and what I'm getting at too is when it hits.

02:27:38.000 When you do that, it's kind of like a 40-60 ratio a lot of the time.

02:27:44.000 Right, 40% success.

02:27:45.000 When you get that one that you just came up with and it's 100%, maybe even 110%.

02:27:52.000 They're rare, but it's like, oh, yeah. 0.94

02:27:54.000 Did you see the Andrew Schultz thing that he did about Los Angeles where he's like, you know, everybody's saying that you guys are a bunch of drug addicts and perverts and psychopaths, but... 0.82

02:28:06.000 That's just one part of L.A. called Diddy's House. 0.94

02:28:09.000 He goes through this Diddy bit.

02:28:11.000 He came up with that in the green room.

02:28:14.000 Oh, see?

02:28:15.000 Before the show.

02:28:16.000 Yeah.

02:28:18.000 Derek was there while he was getting ready.

02:28:21.000 He was trying to...

02:28:22.000 And nails it. 0.88

02:28:23.000 Yeah.

02:28:24.000 In front of everybody.

02:28:25.000 I love it.

02:28:25.000 First time he did it.

02:28:26.000 Kills. 0.54

02:28:27.000 It's a great exercise because...

02:28:30.000 You know you've got the rest of your whole act.

02:28:34.000 Yes.

02:28:34.000 So in my brain, I go, let's go up and dive on the sword, see if I can, you know, mine some gold.

02:28:41.000 And if I don't, I don't, because I got 12 minutes or 30 minutes in the chamber that I know works.

02:28:48.000 So I just, I love that opening few minutes where you just like throw it out there, man.

02:28:53.000 Yeah, it's good.

02:28:53.000 It's exciting.

02:28:54.000 Yeah, just putting yourself in a situation.

02:28:57.000 Like sometimes when you're on stage and you're doing a bit...

02:29:00.000 You ever go, like, in an other direction just to see where it goes?

02:29:03.000 Just take a little turn?

02:29:05.000 Oh, yeah.

02:29:05.000 Just see.

02:29:06.000 You never know.

02:29:07.000 And maybe that turn becomes, like, the best part of the bit.

02:29:09.000 Oh, absolutely.

02:29:10.000 But if you don't do that...

02:29:11.000 Yeah.

02:29:12.000 So, like, that's how you tell the difference between thieves and comics.

02:29:15.000 Thieves don't... 0.89

02:29:16.000 They don't do that.

02:29:17.000 Like, all of a sudden, they just have bits.

02:29:19.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:29:20.000 No, switching gears in the moment is amazing.

02:29:23.000 And back to what you're saying about SNL, that's one of the reasons I love the purity of what we do is because you can deviate.

02:29:33.000 You can create your own meandering pathway as opposed to structured sketches and stuff like that.

02:29:39.000 It's really, I don't know, it just lets you soar, man.

02:29:43.000 Yeah, I mean, you're great in sketches. 0.99

02:29:45.000 You're great in dumber and dumber. 1.00

02:29:46.000 That was fucking awesome. 1.00

02:29:47.000 Oh, thank you. 0.96

02:29:48.000 It was hilarious.

02:29:49.000 It was funny seeing you in there, because you were one of my first friends that was in a giant movie. 0.96

02:29:53.000 I was like, damn, look at Harlan.

02:29:55.000 Yeah, it was probably right around when I met you. 0.98

02:29:58.000 It was my first movie, and it was like, oh no.

02:30:01.000 Do you want some celery?

02:30:04.000 Does that help?

02:30:05.000 I think it just makes it...

02:30:06.000 If you rub it...

02:30:07.000 Jamie, tuck me those paper towels.

02:30:10.000 What is that, tea?

02:30:11.000 No, coffee.

02:30:15.000 I just want to...

02:30:16.000 I like this t-shirt.

02:30:18.000 I don't want to fuck it up. 0.98

02:30:20.000 Yeah, I mean, we're lucky as fuck, dude. 0.97

02:30:21.000 We're lucky that we get to do this for a living, and you and I have been doing it for so fucking long. 0.98

02:30:25.000 Jesus, I'm sorry. 1.00

02:30:27.000 What are you doing to your dick? 1.00

02:30:28.000 No, it's just... 1.00

02:30:31.000 What are you doing over there?

02:30:32.000 Are you pulling your tapeworm out? 1.00

02:30:34.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

02:30:35.000 You're preparing. 1.00

02:30:36.000 We need more preparation for this show.

02:30:39.000 Joe!

02:30:40.000 It's Dimitri. 1.00

02:30:41.000 He's such a sick fuck. 1.00

02:30:43.000 You really should go to jail. 1.00

02:30:44.000 You should go to jail. 0.87

02:30:45.000 We should deport you. 0.89

02:30:46.000 We're sending you back to Canada for what you've done to me. 0.99

02:30:56.000 It's warm! 0.88

02:30:57.000 It's been in my groin for two hours.

02:30:59.000 He had this in his pants the entire time. 0.96

02:31:01.000 You won't touch the cauliflower, you'll touch my groin more. 0.97

02:31:04.000 I'm not into plants.

02:31:05.000 But I really like snake. 1.00

02:31:07.000 Harlan Williams, you're the fucking man. 1.00

02:31:09.000 I love you to death. 1.00

02:31:10.000 Thanks for being here.

02:31:11.000 Dude, I'm so honored.

02:31:11.000 Thanks for having me, buddy.

02:31:13.000 Let's do it again.

02:31:13.000 I would be honored.

02:31:14.000 I'm going to need to recover for a few months, but then we'll do it.

02:31:17.000 Take Dimitri with me.

02:31:18.000 Okay, I'll leave him on the table.

02:31:20.000 He'll stay here forever.

02:31:21.000 Okay, good.

02:31:22.000 This is his new home. 1.00

02:31:23.000 He'll live amongst the arrowheads and skulls and shit. 1.00

02:31:26.000 Thank you, Joe. 1.00

02:31:26.000 My pleasure, brother. 1.00

02:31:27.000 Great to see you.

02:31:27.000 It's great to be your friend, to know you all these years.

02:31:30.000 I love you to death.

02:31:31.000 You're awesome.

02:31:31.000 Thank you, buddy.

02:31:31.000 You too.

02:31:32.000 Bye, everybody.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 30, 2024

Joe Rogan Experience #2158 - Harland Williams

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Transcript