The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #218 - Dom Irrera

00:00:03.000 Is that it?

00:00:05.000 I never know how to start these things, Dom Irera.

00:00:07.000 Hey, Joe Rogan.

00:00:08.000 What's up, my brother?

00:00:09.000 I was thinking comedy team for us.

00:00:11.000 Let me just throw it out there.

00:00:13.000 Like a Starsky Hutch kind of a thing?

00:00:14.000 Rogan and Irera.

00:00:15.000 He's wacky, I'm wackier.

00:00:17.000 What do you think?

00:00:19.000 Can we have a wife that always wins? 1.00

00:00:22.000 I can't hear my...

00:00:24.000 There's something wrong with this headphone, Brian.

00:00:26.000 Is that it?

00:00:27.000 Check it, check it, check it.

00:00:28.000 Okay, there it goes.

00:00:29.000 I found the volume. 0.97

00:00:30.000 There's something fucked with it. 0.95

00:00:31.000 Yeah, could we have, like, talking frog? 0.99

00:00:34.000 Wives that always win? 1.00

00:00:35.000 Yeah.

00:00:36.000 That would be great, right?

00:00:37.000 That's funny.

00:00:37.000 They're always outsmart.

00:00:38.000 A talking dog.

00:00:39.000 A talking dog?

00:00:40.000 Yeah.

00:00:40.000 That's bold.

00:00:41.000 Nuts.

00:00:41.000 Like, how about an alien?

00:00:42.000 Remember when they had, what was that, Alf?

00:00:44.000 Was that on the show? 0.99

00:00:44.000 They had a talking fucking alien. 0.99

00:00:46.000 My favorite Martian, but he was like a normal guy from Mars. 1.00

00:00:49.000 Didn't Alf eat cats or something crazy like that?

00:00:51.000 Yeah, he wanted to eat cats all the time.

00:00:53.000 Do you know the real Al? 1.00

00:00:54.000 He's a total jerk. 1.00

00:00:55.000 That's actually really funny when you think about it. 1.00

00:00:56.000 Do you know the real guy, the father in that show, he always wanted to blow derelicts?

00:01:02.000 What?

00:01:03.000 Did you ever hear that?

00:01:03.000 No.

00:01:04.000 I hope I'm right about this information, because I'd hate to ruin somebody's reputation, but he used to like to blow street people.

00:01:10.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:01:13.000 That could be high risk. 1.00

00:01:14.000 Holy shit! 0.99

00:01:15.000 Is this a way to start the show? 0.99

00:01:17.000 That's a beautiful way to start the show.

00:01:19.000 We haven't even done the commercial yet. 1.00

00:01:20.000 Fuck Fleshlight. 1.00

00:01:21.000 I love it. 1.00

00:01:21.000 I've got to figure out how to do these Fleshlight commercials in a different way. 1.00

00:01:26.000 After you've done it 200 times, there's no way.

00:01:28.000 Fleshlight?

00:01:29.000 Yeah.

00:01:29.000 This is a commercial right now.

00:01:31.000 They're terrific.

00:01:32.000 It's a terrific product.

00:01:33.000 Have you used one, Dom Arara?

00:01:34.000 All the time.

00:01:35.000 Really?

00:01:35.000 Every day.

00:01:36.000 They're pretty good. 0.99

00:01:36.000 Better than masturbating. 0.99

00:01:40.000 I choked on my words. 1.00

00:01:42.000 That's how excited I got about it. 0.99

00:01:44.000 Better than masturbating. 1.00

00:01:46.000 I'm like, choking and shit. 1.00

00:01:47.000 Your throat started coming. 1.00

00:01:49.000 I choked.

00:01:50.000 I gagged. 0.89

00:01:52.000 Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, and save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men, Shazam.

00:02:02.000 We are also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain and Shroom Tech Sport, which is completely unnecessary for Brian, because Brian is like, he's just not into pushing it.

00:02:14.000 You're the opposite of Shroom Tech Sport.

00:02:16.000 You need Shroom Tech Ludes.

00:02:18.000 I need Shroom Tech Sleep.

00:02:20.000 You have sleeping pills yet?

00:02:21.000 No.

00:02:21.000 That'd be awesome.

00:02:22.000 Just take some melatonin.

00:02:24.000 You don't have a high libido?

00:02:25.000 Huh?

00:02:25.000 I don't even know what that means.

00:02:27.000 Does your dick get hard often? 1.00

00:02:28.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:02:30.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:02:31.000 My dick, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:02:32.000 I don't have a high libido, though. 1.00

00:02:33.000 He's a little bit of a pervert, I believe. 0.97

00:02:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:37.000 Well, I found out last night on a podcast that, you know how you have that joke about the cum in the front of your shirt? 0.99

00:02:42.000 Yes. 0.97

00:02:43.000 I also have that happen all the time.

00:02:45.000 And I was saying how my laundry is one out of four shirts.

00:02:49.000 If I look at it, it has the cum crystals all over it. 1.00

00:02:51.000 Right. 0.97

00:02:51.000 And I sit in front of Dana DeArmond, Doug Benson, and Lexi Bell, and all of them thought I was psycho. 0.97

00:02:58.000 They're like, that's disgusting.

00:02:59.000 I've never heard of a guy having that before. 0.98

00:03:00.000 Porno people are telling you it's disgusting? 0.99

00:03:02.000 All porno, hardcore fisting, everything. 1.00

00:03:04.000 Oh, it's so silly. 1.00

00:03:05.000 I find that repetitive. 0.74

00:03:06.000 Impulsive.

00:03:06.000 So you guys agree with me, right?

00:03:07.000 Of course. 0.99

00:03:08.000 You'll have shirts that you look down and you're like, shit, is that sloppy? 0.99

00:03:11.000 Hey, I had a time. 0.99

00:03:12.000 I was going to play basketball. 0.95

00:03:13.000 It was like a Saturday morning and I forgot that I had put toilet paper all over my stomach and all from jerking off. 0.89

00:03:20.000 So, wait, it was so embarrassing. 0.93

00:03:23.000 I get up and I get down.

00:03:25.000 I just maybe had something to eat real late and I'm walking out with a friend of mine and he came to pick me up.

00:03:31.000 I'm walking down to the gym and I take off my shirt because it's so fucking hot and there's all those toilet paper stuff on.

00:03:35.000 Almost to my neck, right? 0.99

00:03:37.000 And he goes, oh, what the fuck's that? 0.99

00:03:40.000 I go, oh, jeez, never mind. 1.00

00:03:44.000 Oh, jeez, never mind.

00:03:48.000 I went to my friend.

00:03:51.000 He came in the house.

00:03:52.000 He was going to go out and have a beer with him.

00:03:53.000 We're all living together.

00:03:54.000 And I hear him go, oh.

00:03:57.000 Oh, and I hear him different parts of the house. 0.97

00:03:59.000 I think he's walking around the house with his pants down, jerking off.

00:04:01.000 So the next day, I'm at the basketball court, and he comes up, and he goes, didn't you hear me last night? 0.99

00:04:08.000 I go, yeah, I fucking heard you. 0.98

00:04:10.000 He goes, I broke my nose. 1.00

00:04:11.000 He bent down and broke his nose. 1.00

00:04:13.000 I said, wow, thank God, I thought you were jerking off. 0.99

00:04:16.000 What a relief. 0.99

00:04:17.000 What a similar sound.

00:04:20.000 It's very similar.

00:04:23.000 That broke nose feeling. 1.00

00:04:26.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:04:28.000 Anyway, Onnit.com. 1.00

00:04:29.000 O-N-N-I-T. Makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, which was the stuff that I was talking about. 0.99

00:04:34.000 Took four of them last night down Herrera. 1.00

00:04:36.000 Beat the shit out of that heavy bag, son. 1.00

00:04:39.000 Get that bag. 1.00

00:04:40.000 Bag hates you, Joe.

00:04:42.000 Bags are a beautiful thing. 1.00

00:04:43.000 If you don't have a heavy bag, if you can have a heavy bag, you're silly. 0.97

00:04:46.000 Get one of those things. 0.96

00:04:47.000 It's like the best stress reliever of all time.

00:04:50.000 Now imagine what would have happened if what you just went through when you were younger and much more volatile.

00:04:56.000 What I just went through before the show?

00:04:58.000 If you didn't have a family and peace with yourself and the whole thing.

00:05:01.000 There's a lot of nonsense in this world, Dom Irera. 0.99

00:05:03.000 What the fuck could be worth it with that guy? 1.00

00:05:05.000 How did he know who he was fucking with? 1.00

00:05:07.000 People were just talking about giving dudes the finger and whatever in the car, like road rage all the time. 1.00

00:05:14.000 It's just so common and it's so silly.

00:05:16.000 If someone gets in front of you, are you really that upset? 0.71

00:05:19.000 Are you really going to give me the finger?

00:05:21.000 The finger, that hurts too. 0.99

00:05:22.000 It's just so silly. 0.96

00:05:24.000 What kind of a man does that? 0.99

00:05:26.000 Brian, tell me.

00:05:28.000 Tell me you're almost a man. 1.00

00:05:30.000 Why is that shit? 1.00

00:05:31.000 You're man-like. 1.00

00:05:32.000 Tell him.

00:05:32.000 An angry guy that takes too much supplements before going to jiu-jitsu.

00:05:36.000 Could be.

00:05:37.000 Could be.

00:05:37.000 He's getting ready for combat.

00:05:38.000 Yeah, he's in war right now.

00:05:40.000 That's what it is.

00:05:40.000 He's in that frame of mind.

00:05:41.000 Yeah.

00:05:42.000 Anyway.

00:05:42.000 I don't like the idea of seeing myself, by the way.

00:05:45.000 I forget what I look like.

00:05:47.000 I really do.

00:05:48.000 I forget that I... Just close your eyes.

00:05:50.000 I'm like starting to look Mongolian.

00:05:52.000 Yeah, we talked about this the last time you were on the podcast.

00:05:54.000 It's true, bro.

00:05:54.000 It's a hint of Inuit.

00:05:57.000 That's how I think we described it.

00:05:58.000 I don't like saying it.

00:05:59.000 I don't believe it.

00:06:01.000 Cue the music, Brian.

00:06:02.000 Oh, yeah.

00:06:03.000 Enter in the codename Rogan, blah, blah, blah.

00:06:05.000 Shroom, tech sport.

00:06:06.000 It's the stuff that we were talking about.

00:06:08.000 Alpha Brain is another cognitive enhancing supplement that I didn't take before the show, so hopefully I won't suffer.

00:06:13.000 I'm going to take one.

00:06:14.000 I'm going to have to pull one out in the middle of a good story.

00:06:16.000 Joe, did you get the list of questions I want you to ask me so I can hit you back with my zingers?

00:06:21.000 So, Dom, I understand you just got back from the zoo.

00:06:24.000 Funny you should say that.

00:06:25.000 Joe, you wouldn't believe all the funny things that happened to me at the zoo today.

00:06:28.000 Go to onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, enter in the code name ROGAN, save yourself 10%.

00:06:33.000 We will have the kettlebells available this week, and all information about that soon to follow.

00:06:38.000 All right, I'll hit the music.

00:06:42.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.

00:06:44.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:06:46.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.

00:06:51.000 Wow.

00:06:52.000 He's got a new fade every time, the kid.

00:06:54.000 Just when you think, he can't just, he can't add a different flair.

00:06:58.000 There's no more flares to add.

00:07:00.000 Is this Retardo Montabomb over here? 0.99

00:07:05.000 I got so much good feedback calling you a retard. 1.00

00:07:07.000 It's the cool thing to do. 0.93

00:07:09.000 Well, Brian is slightly playing a character on the show, ladies and gentlemen.

00:07:14.000 It's subtle.

00:07:15.000 It goes in and out.

00:07:16.000 Even I don't know when it's there.

00:07:19.000 I don't recognize it.

00:07:21.000 But he balances me out.

00:07:25.000 Yeah, now you guys are the yin and yang of life.

00:07:29.000 That's what we've been trying to form a new band, and that's what it was going to be called.

00:07:33.000 We guys are the yin and yang of life.

00:07:36.000 The yin and yang twins. 0.96

00:07:36.000 That's kind of a long hook. 0.96

00:07:37.000 Yeah, we would have to go to war with the yin and yang twins. 1.00

00:07:40.000 They would kick our ass for jacking their name. 1.00

00:07:43.000 No, we could copyright that shit, because they don't have a podcast. 1.00

00:07:45.000 We do a podcast first called the yin and yang twins, and then we own the yin and yang twins podcast. 0.99

00:07:49.000 That seems unscrupulous. 0.97

00:07:50.000 I had no idea this show was this fucking big. 0.99

00:07:54.000 I swear to God. 0.99

00:07:55.000 I mean, it's amazing.

00:07:56.000 I'm in Chicago.

00:07:57.000 People are coming up to me.

00:07:58.000 One guy came to the show. 0.72

00:07:59.000 He goes, man, you know, I didn't really hear you before, but when you did the podcast, you and Rogan were so fucking funny. 0.99

00:08:05.000 I had to come and go, holy shit. 0.99

00:08:07.000 You know what I mean? 0.98

00:08:07.000 Like, I did the show, not like I felt like I was doing you a favor, but you got a show, of course I want to do it. 0.98

00:08:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:08:13.000 But you didn't think that that many people were going to actually listen to it. 0.99

00:08:15.000 I had no fucking clue. 1.00

00:08:16.000 I'm so retarded. 0.99

00:08:17.000 I don't know what the real numbers are right now. 0.78

00:08:20.000 It's pretty high, though.

00:08:21.000 And what it is, though, is the difference is they're with you for hours at a time.

00:08:27.000 And they're comedy people.

00:08:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:29.000 That's a big difference.

00:08:30.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:08:30.000 Because, like, late night shows, nobody gives a fuck. 0.98

00:08:33.000 Right. 0.99

00:08:34.000 You know what I mean?

00:08:34.000 It's hard too.

00:08:35.000 Don't you feel when you do a late night show that you don't even get a chance to really get cooking?

00:08:39.000 You're doing like five minutes or something like that or seven minutes.

00:08:43.000 Man, I can't do it.

00:08:44.000 My mind doesn't function like that for a set.

00:08:47.000 It's really hard to pull off and get a true...

00:08:51.000 Feeling what the experience of seeing someone live is. 0.98

00:08:53.000 Plus you like, like I like, just to do some stuff that's just improvisation and fuck around. 0.99

00:08:58.000 Always. 0.98

00:08:58.000 And the most fun I ever had was on Craig Ferguson when he introduced me and gave me the wrong credit. 0.98

00:09:04.000 He said, you can see Don with the Denver Comedy Works this week.

00:09:07.000 I said, thanks a lot.

00:09:08.000 What a crack stab you have.

00:09:09.000 I was there last week, but I'm so hot in the business, I have to post-plug things or the place will be stormed, right?

00:09:16.000 And then he said, well, let's just start it over.

00:09:17.000 He came out on stage like, oh, I'm starting over.

00:09:19.000 I got a spot at the Laugh Factory later.

00:09:20.000 I can't.

00:09:21.000 I don't have this kind of time.

00:09:22.000 But that was fun because it was real.

00:09:24.000 Right, right, right.

00:09:24.000 You can't do that every time.

00:09:26.000 To have enough time to fuck around is odd. 0.99

00:09:30.000 Most of the times it's so rigid. 0.99

00:09:32.000 You start with your first bit. 0.99

00:09:35.000 So fucking corny at the desk. 0.99

00:09:37.000 Like we were just saying about the zoo. 1.00

00:09:38.000 Ask me this, right?

00:09:40.000 Yeah.

00:09:41.000 I mean, it's cool when someone has a good story, you know, and you get some Nick Nolte character that's got some crazy story.

00:09:46.000 Yeah.

00:09:47.000 But for the most part, you're accepting a contrived conversation.

00:09:50.000 Yeah.

00:09:51.000 Is that right?

00:09:51.000 I mean, I saw an actress on one of the shows.

00:09:54.000 I couldn't watch it, but that's some of the most boring fucking TV there is. 0.98

00:09:57.000 And Letterman said, really, they just want to see you. 1.00

00:09:59.000 In other words, you're so fucking vapid. 1.00

00:10:02.000 Just sit here. 1.00

00:10:02.000 Don't even worry about talking. 1.00

00:10:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:10:05.000 I'll do the talking.

00:10:06.000 Just sit there because you have nothing to offer.

00:10:08.000 Has Kim Kardashian ever been on Letterman?

00:10:11.000 I don't know.

00:10:12.000 Probably.

00:10:13.000 What talk shows has she been on?

00:10:14.000 She has to be on everything, right?

00:10:16.000 I don't know.

00:10:16.000 I've never seen her interviewed.

00:10:17.000 It's one of the things that I was marveling at one day.

00:10:20.000 I was like, I don't think I know her voice.

00:10:22.000 She's been on the Lamar Odom Big Cock show. 0.73

00:10:26.000 If the character playing her voice was substituted with a new character, I don't know if I would be able to pick it out.

00:10:31.000 It's amazing that she became super famous in my world.

00:10:36.000 I know who she is on a regular basis, but without me ever hearing her talk.

00:10:41.000 That's incredible.

00:10:42.000 I might have heard one or two of the commercials or something like that.

00:10:46.000 Maybe I watched one episode of the show.

00:10:48.000 But you know what I'm saying?

00:10:49.000 If somebody tried to replace your voice, I would go, that's not Dom Herrera.

00:10:54.000 I know what he sounds like.

00:10:55.000 If someone tried to do Jeff Goldblum, I know what Jeff Goldblum sounds like.

00:10:59.000 But I hear your rhythm.

00:11:00.000 I know what Letterman's voice sounds like.

00:11:02.000 But I don't know what her voice sounds like.

00:11:04.000 Here she is, on Letterman. 0.75

00:11:06.000 Like, you could dub this with a completely different person's voice.

00:11:10.000 But she's as famous as, like, what's the chick's name from Friends? 0.99

00:11:14.000 Jennifer Aniston.

00:11:15.000 Jennifer Aniston, whose voice is, like, extremely well-known.

00:11:19.000 Yeah.

00:11:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:20.000 Like, Jennifer Aniston is very specific.

00:11:21.000 And an accomplished actress.

00:11:23.000 Yeah.

00:11:23.000 What did she ever do?

00:11:24.000 Exactly.

00:11:25.000 Like, it's amazing how famous she's got with very little words.

00:11:28.000 She's 25. 25? 0.99

00:11:29.000 Well, just a kid and she's getting married. 0.66

00:11:30.000 Was that exciting?

00:11:31.000 Yeah, it was very exciting.

00:11:33.000 That could be a totally fake voice.

00:11:35.000 And I wouldn't know.

00:11:37.000 It could sound nothing like what she sounds like.

00:11:39.000 Maria Bramford could be dubbing her voice. 1.00

00:11:41.000 It's amazing how far a human being can go in the world of fame without ever saying anything.

00:11:47.000 Well, don't you think, like, you know a lot of kids.

00:11:50.000 What did you do to her, Brian?

00:11:50.000 You turned her into an alien.

00:11:51.000 I should have done this.

00:11:52.000 Wow, she's the actress. 0.99

00:11:54.000 My brother Brody was here the other day.

00:11:56.000 Well, maybe that's red rum, red rum.

00:11:59.000 That's the nightmare.

00:12:00.000 He is a nice kid.

00:12:01.000 She's demonically possessed. 1.00

00:12:03.000 This is actually an encoder.

00:12:05.000 He's got a secret decoder ring, and it's deciphering what her real voice actually is before Lucifer's powers.

00:12:14.000 Oh, that's scary. 1.00

00:12:15.000 Well, that's the freakiest shit. 1.00

00:12:18.000 Why is that demonic when it's just shitty? 1.00

00:12:22.000 I went to Africa this morning. 1.00

00:12:24.000 This fucking bitch is going to kill me! 1.00

00:12:26.000 Diamond Empowerment Fund sent me and my sister and my boyfriend and we just went to Botswana and it was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there. 1.00

00:12:38.000 Wait a minute, what?

00:12:42.000 Back it up! 1.00

00:12:43.000 Holy shit! 1.00

00:12:44.000 Holy shit! 1.00

00:12:46.000 What the fuck did she just say? 1.00

00:12:49.000 Oh my god, that was hilarious. 1.00

00:12:53.000 Holy shit! 1.00

00:12:54.000 Life is not real, I'm telling you. 1.00

00:12:58.000 It's a fucking Coen Brothers movie. 0.99

00:13:00.000 My boyfriend and we just went to Botswana and it was really cool to see how all the diamonds really helped the country out there. 0.99

00:13:11.000 The nods, like thinking that people are going to applaud.

00:13:14.000 Right, right.

00:13:15.000 You know, conception of what was going on there.

00:13:17.000 And so every year I like to go on a vacation out of the country.

00:13:20.000 Well, I think that's good to get out and see what's going on.

00:13:22.000 But see, I had, and believe me, I'm ignorant in most matters, a different impression that the diamond industry...

00:13:31.000 Maybe on a global stage was generating huge sums of money, but locally in these countries where they were mined, that the people were being exploited.

00:13:41.000 That's what I assumed before I went there and so that's kind of why I wanted to go and it's completely the opposite.

00:13:46.000 These diamonds fund the schools and the hospitals.

00:13:50.000 They fund pretty much the entire country.

00:13:51.000 But I was a little bit disappointed.

00:13:54.000 In Africa because I wanted to go see some wildlife animals.

00:13:58.000 And it's like this 24-hour flight.

00:14:00.000 I was so excited to see like giraffes and these crazy animals like lions.

00:14:05.000 I saw a few cubs, but when I get home off of the 24-hour flight in Calabasas, California, my sister and I are driving into my mom's house and the neighbor is having a little party with giraffes.

00:14:18.000 And we flew 24 hours all the way to Africa to see giraffes, wild giraffes, did not see a thing.

00:14:25.000 We go to Calabasas and they're having a birthday party where they hire giraffes. 0.90

00:14:31.000 Where can you get giraffes?

00:14:34.000 How do you get them?

00:14:36.000 Well, I rented a monkey for my mom for a week because she was missing the baby.

00:14:41.000 So the monkey for your mom was a rental?

00:14:44.000 Okay, Jesus Christ.

00:14:46.000 Her material is funny, Joe.

00:14:47.000 Oh my God.

00:14:50.000 She's got some good animal stuff.

00:14:52.000 I mean, wow.

00:14:56.000 Does she have a point?

00:14:58.000 I'm really stoned from watching that.

00:15:00.000 Does she have any point at all?

00:15:02.000 I mean, maybe she does have a point.

00:15:03.000 Her point was that diamonds are good for the whole general population.

00:15:06.000 They pay for the schools and pay for the hospitals.

00:15:08.000 That's what she's saying.

00:15:09.000 I don't know.

00:15:10.000 Maybe they do.

00:15:11.000 And, you know, you can do that and still exploit children. 0.99

00:15:14.000 If you had to fucking Kardashian or Aniston, which one? 0.99

00:15:20.000 I bet Jennifer Aniston knows how to throw it down. 1.00

00:15:24.000 I would imagine she knows how to throw it down. 1.00

00:15:27.000 If you could cut off her head. 1.00

00:15:29.000 And switch the bodies? 1.00

00:15:30.000 Which one?

00:15:31.000 Kardashian. 0.99

00:15:32.000 If you can cut off her head, why would you want to cut off her head? 1.00

00:15:34.000 No, I'm kidding. 1.00

00:15:35.000 I would want to cut off her head. 1.00

00:15:36.000 She's really pretty. 1.00

00:15:37.000 She's very pretty.

00:15:38.000 She's so vapid that... 1.00

00:15:41.000 I mean, I think she really cares if she's watching this whether or not I'd want to fuck her or Jennifer Aniston. 1.00

00:15:46.000 Yeah, probably. 1.00

00:15:47.000 I think...

00:15:48.000 Jennifer Aniston would be more fun. 1.00

00:15:49.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:15:50.000 She takes it.

00:15:50.000 I think.

00:15:51.000 I don't know, though.

00:15:52.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:15:52.000 Kim Kardashian does have a porno with a black dude. 0.99

00:15:55.000 That's a chick that's willing to go deep. 0.99

00:15:56.000 Sure, that's why I think Jennifer Aniston would be great. 1.00

00:16:00.000 You can't fail to disappoint her.

00:16:03.000 Exactly, that's right.

00:16:06.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:16:07.000 What kind of conversation is this? 1.00

00:16:09.000 Who would you fuck? 1.00

00:16:10.000 Jennifer Aniston or... 1.00

00:16:12.000 Well, how did it even get under her?

00:16:14.000 Oh, it was like Jennifer Anderson's voice.

00:16:16.000 That's what we were talking about. 0.99

00:16:18.000 It's fucking hard out there for a chick. 1.00

00:16:20.000 A chick's trying to be famous, you know? 1.00

00:16:22.000 If she was doing the same thing, if Kim Kardashian was a guy, though, and she was doing what she's doing, she would be like, especially for the marriage part, like she married for like 72 hours or whatever the fuck it was. 0.98

00:16:34.000 To that basketball player, right? 0.98

00:16:35.000 Yeah.

00:16:35.000 How long was she married for?

00:16:37.000 I think it was a month or something like that.

00:16:40.000 But whatever it was, you know, it's like...

00:16:42.000 It's a shame they had it all...

00:16:43.000 The thing that you do that, and you do it as like a piece of...

00:16:47.000 It's a plot.

00:16:47.000 It's like this is her life all of a sudden becomes theater, and they start introducing false things, like false marriages, like hire some other high-profile guy to come in and marry her on this show, and then they break up, and...

00:17:02.000 Wow.

00:17:03.000 Is that what they're doing?

00:17:04.000 Because if it is what they're doing, it's pretty brilliant.

00:17:06.000 If you think about what she's done, I mean, just tactically, the way she's sort of entered into the entertainment industry.

00:17:13.000 Like a lot of people get mad.

00:17:14.000 They say she's vapid, she's this and that. 0.52

00:17:16.000 But what she is, is she's been super successful in getting people to pay attention to her. 0.90

00:17:22.000 It's amazing. 0.97

00:17:23.000 It's fucking incredible. 0.97

00:17:24.000 I mean, it's amazing what you can pull off. 0.98

00:17:27.000 When you're single-minded and you pursue that and you do it the way she's done it and obviously you look like her.

00:17:34.000 You know what it reminded me of going back when this kind of point hit you is when the OJ trial and Cato Kaelin went out and did comedy for a while.

00:17:43.000 And for that one brief moment in time, he was more famous than almost any of the comedians.

00:17:48.000 Right at the top of the OJ trial, Cato Kaelin was selling out the MGM. And he was trying to do comedy?

00:17:56.000 Yeah, he did stand-up.

00:17:58.000 Did he do it before?

00:17:59.000 No.

00:18:00.000 Oh, that's horrible.

00:18:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:02.000 Well, Charlie Sheen can prove that.

00:18:03.000 Yeah, Charlie Sheen.

00:18:05.000 Well, you know who did that? 1.00

00:18:05.000 Who's got fucking balls? 1.00

00:18:07.000 I've talked about it before. 1.00

00:18:08.000 But Charlie Murphy.

00:18:09.000 Charlie Murphy.

00:18:10.000 Oh, I know.

00:18:11.000 Didn't have a lot going on, like, as far as his career, and then got on the Chappelle Show, and he was in his 40s.

00:18:16.000 And then started doing stand-up, and he was famous.

00:18:19.000 And not only was he famous, he was famous of, like, the brother of one of the greatest stand-ups ever.

00:18:25.000 So he's got Charlie Murphy, his brother's Eddie Murphy, they look alike, and, you know, I mean, he's going out there, literally, he's done comedy for, like, a couple of months.

00:18:35.000 And he had a close. 0.99

00:18:36.000 And he's fucking headlining! 0.99

00:18:37.000 Yeah, he had an unbelievable. 1.00

00:18:39.000 He's got balls. 1.00

00:18:40.000 That guy has fucking balls. 1.00

00:18:42.000 We did a month Maxim tour on the road together, and Charlie Murphy, man, he's got fucking balls. 1.00

00:18:50.000 That guy, we would alternate headlining, and he'd only been doing comedy. 0.99

00:18:54.000 Wait, he couldn't follow you.

00:18:55.000 He did.

00:18:56.000 He did a couple times.

00:18:57.000 What did he do?

00:18:58.000 He did well.

00:18:58.000 Really?

00:18:59.000 Yeah, I mean, people, first of all, he's a good storyteller and people love him.

00:19:03.000 And if he's in his right groove, he's just got to be comfortable.

00:19:07.000 You know, when Charlie's comfortable, when he's comfortable, he's got like a couple different gears.

00:19:11.000 When he's comfortable and he's telling a story, there are very few people in the world as entertaining as that guy.

00:19:17.000 He has this realistic, sort of like aggressive, kind of like real brutal honesty, but with a cool voice. 0.94

00:19:27.000 He can tell a fuck out of a story. 0.72

00:19:30.000 Well, for brothers of famous people, I'll take Tony Rock. 0.95

00:19:33.000 Yeah.

00:19:34.000 Tony Rock's hilarious.

00:19:35.000 He's good, yeah.

00:19:36.000 He's very funny.

00:19:37.000 That guy gets slept on.

00:19:38.000 You know, I had seen him a couple of years ago, like, way back at the Laugh Factory, and he was really funny then.

00:19:45.000 He was, like, promising, you know?

00:19:46.000 No, he's really good.

00:19:47.000 And then I saw him at the Improv, like, recently, and I came up to him after his set.

00:19:51.000 I was like, dude, you got way better.

00:19:53.000 Like, that was, like, really fun to watch. 0.96

00:19:55.000 It's fun to watch a guy that you haven't seen for years, and then you see him and you're like, Damn, you've been working.

00:20:01.000 And he's like, thanks, man. 0.82

00:20:02.000 I'm in the gym.

00:20:03.000 I'm in the gym, you know?

00:20:05.000 He's got the right attitude about it. 0.99

00:20:07.000 He's fucking good. 0.97

00:20:07.000 And it is in the gym. 0.97

00:20:08.000 It is in the gym.

00:20:10.000 For us, it's the gym.

00:20:13.000 You've got to get on stage.

00:20:14.000 I mean, look at Bill Burr. 0.98

00:20:15.000 I mean, I've seen him take strides, and he's so fucking good. 0.97

00:20:18.000 Perfect example. 0.74

00:20:19.000 Bill Burr was always really funny, but now he's super prolific, too.

00:20:23.000 Now he's just nailing it.

00:20:25.000 He's constantly putting out new stuff.

00:20:27.000 You go to see him, it's fun.

00:20:31.000 I agree with him.

00:20:32.000 I don't agree with him.

00:20:33.000 I'm still laughing. 0.98

00:20:34.000 He says something completely ridiculous and overaggressive. 0.95

00:20:37.000 I'm still laughing. 1.00

00:20:38.000 It's fucking great. 0.98

00:20:41.000 He's one of the last of the Boston comics. 0.99

00:20:46.000 That real...

00:20:49.000 Intelligent, but still manly, aggressive sort of comedians.

00:20:53.000 There was a lot of guys like that in Boston.

00:20:56.000 Lenny Clark and that whole group.

00:20:57.000 One of the things that Dane Cook and I were talking about once, about growing up and doing stand-up together in Boston, was that those guys were men. 0.99

00:21:05.000 They were fucking like Lenny Clark. 0.98

00:21:07.000 Oh yeah, they were tough guys. 0.99

00:21:08.000 They were comedians.

00:21:08.000 They were like nebuchadnezzar problems with their mother.

00:21:11.000 They were animals. 1.00

00:21:12.000 Lenny Clark was a fucking savage when I met him. 1.00

00:21:15.000 I met Lenny right after you guys did... 0.99

00:21:17.000 Didn't you do the HBO comedy special?

00:21:19.000 Yeah, the Rodney Dangerfield.

00:21:21.000 I got a chance to open...

00:21:23.000 He was the second guy I ever got paid to open for.

00:21:26.000 I used to forget about the first guy and pretend he was the first for a while.

00:21:30.000 First time I ever got paid, I opened up for Lenny Clark, because it sounds good, but it was really the second time.

00:21:34.000 First time was a guy named Warren McDonald.

00:21:36.000 He was actually a very funny guy, too.

00:21:39.000 I worked with him right after he just got done doing the Rodney special.

00:21:43.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:21:44.000 He's a fucking animal. 1.00

00:21:46.000 Such balls. 1.00

00:21:47.000 Oh, he was an animal. 0.99

00:21:48.000 We were up in Seattle to see the NCAAs. 1.00

00:21:51.000 And these guys, they were fucking drinking all day. 0.99

00:21:53.000 I can't. 0.99

00:21:54.000 I mean, Don Gavin and all of them.

00:21:55.000 And we're at a party.

00:21:57.000 And this CBS guy comes up to me.

00:21:58.000 And he says, I'm a big fan of yours.

00:22:00.000 And I didn't have a ticket.

00:22:01.000 Lenny's like Jackie Gleason, bigger than life. 0.98

00:22:03.000 He goes, hey, if you're such a big fucking fan, get him a ticket to the game. 0.97

00:22:07.000 The guy goes, oh, okay. 0.99

00:22:09.000 You know, sheepishly, like, what's he gonna do?

00:22:12.000 What is that movie that, I think it's Fran Salamita did that movie on Boston Comedy? 0.67

00:22:19.000 Yeah.

00:22:20.000 How do you spell Fran Salamita?

00:22:23.000 I don't know.

00:22:26.000 R... F-R... Z... Yeah. 1.00

00:22:31.000 Oh, when stand-up...

00:22:32.000 Fran Salamita, when stand-up stood out, which is a great documentary on stand-up comedy.

00:22:38.000 And about the one town, about Boston, and what it was like, you know, back then.

00:22:44.000 And it's a really accurate depiction because there's a lot of old video.

00:22:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:22:49.000 Like old video, Lenny Clark.

00:22:51.000 Those guys and Jimmy Tingle and talking about the Ding Ho, like the Chinese restaurant was like the first place.

00:22:57.000 Man, I was like right after that wave.

00:23:01.000 Those guys were like, those guys were the big established headliners right when I was becoming an open mic.

00:23:07.000 They were good to me too because they could bury people if they wanted to.

00:23:09.000 Nick's was tough.

00:23:11.000 Well, you know, for the people that don't know, Dom was one of the only guys that ever paid to see do comedy after I was a comedian.

00:23:21.000 There was only like a few guys once I became a comedian, like once I had done like open mic nights.

00:23:26.000 But I went to see you.

00:23:28.000 You remember how much it cost to see me?

00:23:29.000 I wish I did.

00:23:30.000 Did you bring a date?

00:23:31.000 I went to see you a couple times.

00:23:32.000 Did I get you laid too?

00:23:34.000 I went to see you before I ever did stand-up, I'm pretty sure.

00:23:38.000 It was either before or right before or right when I was doing it.

00:23:41.000 But I went to see you and you didn't make the flight.

00:23:44.000 Something happened.

00:23:45.000 And Dennis Leary was in your place.

00:23:47.000 It was the first time I ever saw Dennis Leary. 0.99

00:23:48.000 He fucking destroyed. 0.99

00:23:51.000 Yeah, Dennis was always good. 1.00

00:23:52.000 Back then, he was on fire.

00:23:54.000 He was my favorite comedian for six months until I saw Bill Hicks. 0.99

00:23:58.000 And I was like, what the fuck is going on here? 0.99

00:24:00.000 See, I didn't... 0.99

00:24:01.000 I didn't see as much as other people did with the parallels.

00:24:04.000 Bill was a friend of mine, but yeah.

00:24:07.000 Bill had a funny joke about it, though.

00:24:09.000 He actually went back in time and did the jokes, stole them, then went back in time and did them before and added punchlines.

00:24:18.000 Right, right.

00:24:20.000 I think I butchered the quote, but when they asked him who stole it from who...

00:24:27.000 Well, you know what my nightmare was about the HBO thing, about Roddy Dangerfield, was I'd rather not get a compliment than the compliment I would get.

00:24:34.000 I'd have somebody come up to me and go, man, you were my favorite on that show.

00:24:37.000 Beat you and that guy Dice. 0.98

00:24:40.000 Don't fucking compliment me if you're gonna compare us. 0.99

00:24:42.000 See, you have always had a problem with Dice, you know, and you and Dice have actually gotten into it, but... 0.98

00:24:48.000 When I was a kid, man, I was a fucking huge fan of Dice.

00:24:51.000 Well, yeah, you were a kid. 0.95

00:24:51.000 I don't think there's anything wrong. 0.95

00:24:52.000 I like his comedy.

00:24:54.000 It doesn't bother me.

00:24:55.000 I like it.

00:24:55.000 His comedy doesn't bother me.

00:24:57.000 I just don't like him.

00:24:58.000 You don't like him?

00:24:59.000 Yeah.

00:25:00.000 I never have a bad problem with him.

00:25:02.000 I've never had any issues with him.

00:25:05.000 How can you be a 50-, 60-year-old Fonz?

00:25:09.000 See, I look at him, I think he's a character.

00:25:11.000 You look at him as like he's some guy who disrespected you or something.

00:25:15.000 Something happened, right?

00:25:16.000 There's only three comedians I hate.

00:25:19.000 Let me guess one.

00:25:20.000 Billy Crystal.

00:25:25.000 What is that about?

00:25:27.000 Because I heard there was... 1.00

00:25:28.000 Billy Crystal was such an asshole to me. 1.00

00:25:30.000 Really? 1.00

00:25:31.000 And he's always been really nice to me. 0.98

00:25:33.000 But he was with De Niro, and I was hosting this thing for Comedy Central, and we're doing a review of that shit movie, analyze that. 0.95

00:25:42.000 Remember the first one was good, analyze this. 0.97

00:25:44.000 It was the De Niro movie.

00:25:45.000 Yeah.

00:25:46.000 And then the second one wasn't good?

00:25:48.000 Yeah, but all of a sudden he's buddying up with De Niro and he starts acting condescending towards me. 0.99

00:25:53.000 So I fucked with him right away. 0.98

00:25:54.000 I go, Billy, are you hosting the Academy Awards this year? 0.99

00:25:56.000 He goes, I don't know why.

00:25:58.000 I said, can you mention me to the people of the Academy?

00:26:00.000 He goes, for what?

00:26:01.000 I go, I don't know, some kind of award.

00:26:03.000 You figure it out.

00:26:04.000 Then he realized I had duped him.

00:26:09.000 For what?

00:26:10.000 You figure it out.

00:26:14.000 Yeah, he lost his sense of humor, right?

00:26:16.000 Yeah, he got too cool.

00:26:17.000 But I mean, you know, he was always the right beginning.

00:26:20.000 But in that situation, he lost his sense of humor.

00:26:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:26:22.000 Well, he was trying to act like him and De Niro were these dear friends.

00:26:25.000 And I'm thinking, this is Robert De Niro sitting next to you.

00:26:28.000 Come on, Billy.

00:26:29.000 You're Billy Crystal.

00:26:30.000 People.

00:26:31.000 People love to be friends with someone like De Niro. 1.00

00:26:34.000 You can put that shit on your resume. 1.00

00:26:35.000 Hey, I'm going over Bobby D's house for barbecue this weekend. 1.00

00:26:38.000 I did a reading with him.

00:26:42.000 Rarely do I get impressed.

00:26:45.000 Can you imagine someone saying that to you and wearing like a running track suit while they're saying it? 1.00

00:26:50.000 Fuck that noise. 1.00

00:26:51.000 Those like fake Italian immigrants. 1.00

00:26:54.000 These immigrants to California from the East Coast. 0.97

00:26:57.000 Fake Italian dudes. 0.95

00:26:58.000 Oh yeah.

00:26:58.000 Who were always connected.

00:27:00.000 You know those guys who were always trying to break into acting.

00:27:03.000 Those fake tough guy dudes.

00:27:05.000 Right, right.

00:27:06.000 Go to Bobby D's house.

00:27:08.000 Yeah.

00:27:09.000 Good guy that Bobby D. Yeah, who else?

00:27:14.000 Who else is it real?

00:27:15.000 Sean Connery.

00:27:16.000 If you could say you're friends with Sean Connery.

00:27:19.000 I'm going fly fishing with Sean Connery, actually.

00:27:21.000 Well, that's people who have to drop, even like countries. 0.87

00:27:25.000 Yeah, I got these nice shoes.

00:27:26.000 Yeah, I got them in France. 0.99

00:27:27.000 That makes it a fucking big deal. 0.98

00:27:29.000 Oh, you got them in France. 0.98

00:27:31.000 Would you be friends with...

00:27:33.000 What's his face?

00:27:34.000 The guy from Pulp Fiction? 1.00

00:27:35.000 Shit, that's... 1.00

00:27:37.000 Oh my god, I just had a brain fart. 0.99

00:27:38.000 John Travolta?

00:27:39.000 Yeah, John Travolta. 1.00

00:27:40.000 I think he'd fuck you. 1.00

00:27:41.000 I think if you're friends, that's what happens. 1.00

00:27:43.000 He fucks you. 1.00

00:27:44.000 Somebody... 1.00

00:27:44.000 Some friend. 1.00

00:27:45.000 I heard it on some radio station.

00:27:46.000 Yeah, what a pal.

00:27:47.000 What's the other guy that was in Greece that recently died from a drug overdose?

00:27:50.000 Was that Knicky or not?

00:27:51.000 Is it Knicky?

00:27:52.000 Greece that recently died of a drug overdose?

00:27:54.000 Yeah, the other main guy in Greece that was in Celebrity Rehab.

00:27:58.000 Oh, is he the guy that was from Taxi?

00:28:01.000 Yeah.

00:28:02.000 Is that the guy? 1.00

00:28:03.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:28:05.000 You're talking about Jeff something or another? 1.00

00:28:07.000 The one that just recently died.

00:28:08.000 I don't know.

00:28:09.000 I don't know that guy's name.

00:28:10.000 I don't know.

00:28:11.000 I'll look it up.

00:28:11.000 I had heard that that...

00:28:12.000 See, I've only really watched Celebrity Rehab once.

00:28:16.000 And I get depressed.

00:28:18.000 I don't like watching people that are falling apart.

00:28:20.000 I don't like taking in that vibe.

00:28:24.000 Occasionally I like to know what Jeff Conway is.

00:28:28.000 Yeah, he said that he spent the night once at his house.

00:28:32.000 Supposedly, this is what I heard on the radio, that he went over there to spend the night at his house and he crashed and he woke up and he was fondling him.

00:28:40.000 Who was fondling him?

00:28:41.000 Travolta?

00:28:42.000 Travolta was fondling him.

00:28:43.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.93

00:28:44.000 I hate that. 1.00

00:28:45.000 Don't you hate it when you wake up and one of your friends is playing with your balls? 1.00

00:28:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:48.000 You wake up and the dude from Pulp Fiction is sucking your dick. 1.00

00:28:51.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:28:52.000 Really?

00:28:53.000 If I let you suck my dick, will you leave me alone? 1.00

00:28:56.000 Mike Wallace, I heard that, Mike Wallace from whatever the Inquirer is or whatever he works for that released all this shit, said they asked him, is this shit fake? 1.00

00:29:07.000 Are you guys just trying, are these people really telling the truth? 0.99

00:29:11.000 And they're like, do we give them lie detector tests? 0.99

00:29:13.000 We fucking go and check. 0.99

00:29:15.000 If they say any detail, like going to hotels or something like that, they get it. 0.99

00:29:19.000 This was on the Howard Stern show that he said this.

00:29:22.000 And stuff like that.

00:29:23.000 All these people are all telling the truth.

00:29:26.000 So all these masseuses are all telling the truth? 0.57

00:29:29.000 Yeah, is that crazy?

00:29:30.000 Well, who knows?

00:29:31.000 We don't know.

00:29:32.000 We don't have an official stance on this.

00:29:34.000 Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, nor Brian Redman.

00:29:37.000 I'm just regurgitating what I've been hearing.

00:29:39.000 I happen to know, but I'm not talking.

00:29:43.000 Dom, you know what I'll be talking about?

00:29:44.000 Tell us about the time that you worked as a masseuse for the Hollywood Elite.

00:29:50.000 I'm not talking.

00:29:51.000 You know what I'll be talking about?

00:29:52.000 June 30th at the Tropicana in Atlantic City.

00:29:54.000 That's when I'll be talking.

00:29:55.000 Those big manly hands that you have, I bet you would give a good massage.

00:29:59.000 My hands are very soft.

00:30:00.000 You know what I mean?

00:30:01.000 Yeah.

00:30:02.000 They could toughen up quickly.

00:30:03.000 You know what would be a good show is Dom and Joey Diaz dressed up as women, like bosom buddies, but with them.

00:30:10.000 Man.

00:30:15.000 You know, I never thought I'd say this.

00:30:17.000 I never thought I'd say this, but I'd be the hot one.

00:30:20.000 Wouldn't I be awesome if it was like Golden Girls?

00:30:22.000 Maybe throw in another person.

00:30:26.000 I like seeing people like Joey because it makes me feel not as fat.

00:30:32.000 I'm not that fat.

00:30:34.000 Yeah, I do a joke about like, no matter how chaotic my life is, when I'm hanging around with Joey Diaz, I'm like, I'm fine.

00:30:40.000 It's just like a balancer, a leveler.

00:30:44.000 He's your canary.

00:30:45.000 Yeah, he's my canary in the coal mine.

00:30:46.000 I love Joey, and I always love to know what he's thinking.

00:30:49.000 Oh, he's an animal.

00:30:50.000 When he has that look on his face.

00:30:51.000 Joey Diaz could just read the newspaper and have you cry and laughing.

00:30:55.000 Yeah.

00:30:55.000 Just point out anything.

00:30:56.000 I've never met a dude who makes me laugh like that guy does on a consistent basis. 0.99

00:31:01.000 He gets fucking crazy. 0.99

00:31:02.000 He'll get crazy about ketchup. 1.00

00:31:04.000 This ain't fucking ketchup, Joe Rogan. 0.99

00:31:06.000 When I was Cuban back in Jersey, when we had fucking ketchup, it was real ketchup. 1.00

00:31:11.000 This is some watery bullshit. 1.00

00:31:14.000 It doesn't taste like... 1.00

00:31:16.000 He'll get fucking angry. 0.99

00:31:17.000 No, Heinz is actually pretty good. 1.00

00:31:18.000 Get the fuck out of here! 1.00

00:31:20.000 Heinz! 1.00

00:31:22.000 You fucking momos buying up Heinz. 1.00

00:31:24.000 Joe, I just got off the road with him, right? 1.00

00:31:26.000 And one of the hotels we stayed at had a business center.

00:31:28.000 He was like, come on, you got to go to the business center with me.

00:31:31.000 And just watching him sit here checking his thing-majiggers, like, look at that picture. 1.00

00:31:35.000 He's just sitting there with his glasses on doing the computer system.

00:31:38.000 I worked with him at Miami Improv.

00:31:43.000 And the whole day he hung at the club so he could use the phone.

00:31:46.000 Really?

00:31:46.000 Just to make local calls.

00:31:47.000 He could fucking do it from the room, but he chose to do it from the club. 0.97

00:31:52.000 He used to, yeah, he used to not even have a cell phone. 0.98

00:31:55.000 Yeah.

00:31:56.000 For the longest time, Joey just had a pager.

00:31:58.000 When everybody else had a cell phone, Joey still had a pager.

00:32:00.000 Yeah.

00:32:01.000 He would just, you would never be able to find him.

00:32:04.000 Dude, now he's embraced it, man. 0.99

00:32:06.000 He has number one fucking CD on iTunes. 0.99

00:32:09.000 Comedy. 1.00

00:32:09.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:32:10.000 He's gone completely digital.

00:32:11.000 Really?

00:32:12.000 Yeah, we got Joey on Twitter, and then Joey started really getting into it. 0.99

00:32:15.000 For a while, like, fuck this MySpace Facebook. 0.99

00:32:18.000 What the fuck am I doing online? 1.00

00:32:19.000 And then after a while, I'm not sending you a fucking text message, Joe Rogan. 0.99

00:32:23.000 Remember you had a whole video about you sending him text messages and he would get angry. 0.97

00:32:28.000 We made a video about it.

00:32:30.000 It was one of the earliest videos.

00:32:33.000 That was a Death Squad one, right?

00:32:34.000 What number was it?

00:32:35.000 No, that was Joey Diaz Ready to Die. 0.95

00:32:38.000 Oh, Joey Diaz ready to die. 1.00

00:32:40.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:32:40.000 If you can find that, is that online somewhere? 0.99

00:32:42.000 Yeah.

00:32:43.000 What's his health? 0.99

00:32:44.000 It's fucking, it's a brilliant, brilliant video. 0.99

00:32:47.000 What's his health like, Joe? 0.99

00:32:48.000 Is he working out?

00:32:49.000 He's alive.

00:32:50.000 He's a science project.

00:32:53.000 If Joey Diaz just sits you down and goes over all the substances, dog.

00:32:58.000 All the years. 1.00

00:33:00.000 All the Pink Floyd albums I listen to, motherfucker. 1.00

00:33:03.000 If he wouldn't go over his history, you'd be like, there's no way he could be alive. 0.99

00:33:07.000 How is this guy, how is it possible?

00:33:08.000 It's unfair.

00:33:09.000 He's healthy as a horse. 1.00

00:33:11.000 Joey Diaz is a fucking savage. 1.00

00:33:13.000 He'll live to be a thousand. 1.00

00:33:15.000 It's amazing, isn't it?

00:33:16.000 High school football players die on a field from dehydration.

00:33:19.000 Then you get guys who wake up every day and think, how can I kill myself today?

00:33:23.000 And they're still alive.

00:33:24.000 Well, Joey's really healthy now.

00:33:25.000 He lost a lot of weight, too.

00:33:27.000 He lost like 80 pounds.

00:33:28.000 He lost a lot of weight because he got real big for a while.

00:33:31.000 And it sucked because we would go places.

00:33:34.000 We would go to the airport.

00:33:35.000 And he hated when he had a long walk to the rental car.

00:33:39.000 Oh, that's a bad sign.

00:33:40.000 Yeah.

00:33:41.000 He was getting big.

00:33:43.000 But he didn't want to do it with surgery.

00:33:45.000 He just did it with his will.

00:33:47.000 He just got on Weight Watchers and slowly shed it away.

00:33:50.000 How do you get on Weight Watchers on the road, though? 0.99

00:33:52.000 How do you cook the shit and all? 0.99

00:33:54.000 I think it's like they give you a point system. 0.99

00:33:57.000 I think the way it works is like pizza is X amount of points, and this is that amount of points.

00:34:02.000 You get so many points a day.

00:34:05.000 They have it broken down where really healthy things are, like, very few points.

00:34:09.000 Like, I think, like, celery is, like, zero points.

00:34:11.000 You can just eat celery by itself all day.

00:34:13.000 Yeah, because that's mostly water.

00:34:14.000 Yeah, you can't even...

00:34:15.000 It actually is really good for you.

00:34:16.000 It cleans your poop chute out.

00:34:18.000 Oh, that's good to know.

00:34:19.000 It's tremendous.

00:34:20.000 Speaking of Travolta...

00:34:21.000 I drink this kale shake that has a lot of celery.

00:34:24.000 It has five stalks of celery in it.

00:34:25.000 So I take every day five stalks of celery. 0.97

00:34:28.000 Five stalks of celery, a big bushel, a big fucking leaf of kale, pears, garlic, ginger, and it grinds it all a lot. 0.97

00:34:38.000 And makes it like a soup, like pea soup. 0.99

00:34:42.000 Very much like pea soup.

00:34:43.000 Were you in a cover of a magazine?

00:34:45.000 I was on a couple of martial arts magazines.

00:34:49.000 Yeah, I haven't seen that.

00:34:51.000 I want to see it.

00:34:52.000 You're like split in half?

00:34:53.000 You're like doing a split?

00:34:55.000 One of them, yeah.

00:34:57.000 I think I was throwing it.

00:34:59.000 No, you know what?

00:35:00.000 On the black belt one, no. 0.99

00:35:01.000 I was just standing there like a dish bag. 1.00

00:35:03.000 I was really stupid. 0.99

00:35:05.000 I should have never let them make me pose like that. 0.99

00:35:07.000 They're like, why don't you cross your arms, look at the camera, like, very serious.

00:35:10.000 So that's what I did.

00:35:11.000 And then I was like, ew.

00:35:13.000 Ew.

00:35:14.000 What message is that?

00:35:16.000 I should be smiling.

00:35:17.000 Do you think you could beat the two of us if we just charged you right now?

00:35:21.000 I would hope I would never have to know.

00:35:22.000 Yeah, how douchey do I look?

00:35:23.000 And look at your old tattoo right there.

00:35:25.000 Thank you.

00:35:25.000 My poor tattoo.

00:35:26.000 It's still there.

00:35:27.000 I gotta get it lasered off to finish my right sleeve, the Aaron Della Vadova sleeve.

00:35:31.000 That's graphics bong, right?

00:35:32.000 No, no, no.

00:35:33.000 It was like a thing that I drew.

00:35:36.000 It was like a demon with a jester's mask on it.

00:35:38.000 It's so crazy because I always thought it was the graphic spawn. 1.00

00:35:41.000 I was like, damn, that dude loves fucking Wii. 1.00

00:35:43.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:35:45.000 It's such a stupid little tattoo. 1.00

00:35:46.000 Well, I was an artist. 1.00

00:35:47.000 I actually drew that, you know?

00:35:49.000 And when I was a kid, I used to draw a lot of demons with, like, hats. 0.98

00:35:54.000 And demons, like, demons with baseball hats on and shit. 0.99

00:35:56.000 Like, standing over little kids' beds. 1.00

00:35:59.000 Oh, jeez. 1.00

00:35:59.000 I used to draw some creepy shit. 1.00

00:36:01.000 And I drew that, and so that was my first tattoo. 0.99

00:36:04.000 I just noticed it says, Joe Rogan proves fear is not a factor.

00:36:10.000 Yeah.

00:36:10.000 How young were you, Joe?

00:36:12.000 I guess I was in my early 30s.

00:36:15.000 Yeah.

00:36:15.000 Yeah, because Fear Factor...

00:36:17.000 Went on for like six years.

00:36:20.000 Were you still in your 20s when I met you?

00:36:22.000 Yes.

00:36:22.000 Yeah, when we met, I was really young.

00:36:25.000 You and I met when we did Montreal together.

00:36:28.000 We did Showtime.

00:36:30.000 That's right.

00:36:30.000 I think I was only like 24 or 25. And then we met in New York at the David Brenner's pool.

00:36:35.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:36:36.000 We played pool together.

00:36:36.000 We met at Amsterdam.

00:36:38.000 And Dom's one of the few.

00:36:39.000 I brought my cue today.

00:36:40.000 Dom's one of those guys we threaten to play each other like once a month.

00:36:45.000 That's what we always say.

00:36:46.000 We try to do it.

00:36:46.000 But sometimes we'll go like years.

00:36:48.000 Did you show me something doing splits?

00:36:49.000 Oh, that's the one I was talking about.

00:36:51.000 Now, if I was a gay man... 1.00

00:36:53.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:36:54.000 I'd be into me. 0.99

00:36:59.000 I just did a new thing for this Fighters Only magazine.

00:37:04.000 Just did a more recent one where I don't look as good.

00:37:07.000 What's the last fight you've been in?

00:37:08.000 Like a real fight?

00:37:09.000 Like a fist fight?

00:37:10.000 Like a street fight.

00:37:11.000 Not since I was a teenager.

00:37:13.000 Oh, yeah.

00:37:14.000 Yeah, I avoid everything.

00:37:15.000 Yeah, you've got to. 1.00

00:37:17.000 You kill people. 1.00

00:37:18.000 Or you get stabbed or shot. 1.00

00:37:20.000 Or guess what?

00:37:20.000 There's a lot of people out there that know how to fight.

00:37:22.000 They might beat your fucking ass. 1.00

00:37:24.000 The idea of going around and getting in fights with people, it's like almost everything. 1.00

00:37:31.000 We can get along without that. 0.51

00:37:33.000 Almost every situation in life can get along without someone beating the fuck out of somebody. 0.95

00:37:38.000 Almost everyone. 0.64

00:37:39.000 That's what I was saying today.

00:37:40.000 And when it's not, when you can't get along without it, it's like, well, you're in the presence of some sort of a dangerous, scary person who's not thinking clearly.

00:37:48.000 You think Brian would win that fight?

00:37:52.000 Brian would just quit right away.

00:37:55.000 Get out of breath?

00:37:56.000 He has this move.

00:37:57.000 Are you ticklish?

00:37:58.000 I don't know.

00:38:00.000 I never got tickled by a guy.

00:38:03.000 What if I just give you a little tickler? 1.00

00:38:04.000 He just drops his pants and he opens up his butt and the vision is so horrific and his shirt falls down into his armpits so his gut hangs down and he's just opening up his assholes. 1.00

00:38:17.000 You'll just run away. 1.00

00:38:18.000 You won't want none of that. 0.94

00:38:20.000 What he's willing to do to you and then you come close to him and he'll try to lick you or something. 0.82

00:38:25.000 It's like you don't want that. 0.57

00:38:27.000 You know what? 0.99

00:38:28.000 He'll just grab your face and just start licking you. 1.00

00:38:30.000 I'm glad I am. 0.99

00:38:31.000 He'll tongue kiss you.

00:38:32.000 He would tongue kiss you to get out of trouble.

00:38:34.000 He would tongue kiss you, just grab you and just start making out with you.

00:38:37.000 And you would run. 0.59

00:38:38.000 You would run.

00:38:39.000 You know, every animal has its own way of defending itself and its environment.

00:38:43.000 You know, like octopuses, they blend in.

00:38:47.000 They become camouflaged, right?

00:38:49.000 Yes.

00:38:50.000 There's a lot of animals, they blend in with the reef.

00:38:53.000 Right, Domimera?

00:38:54.000 Yes, that's right.

00:38:54.000 That's why Nemo is so brightly colored.

00:38:56.000 Is that why?

00:38:57.000 So Nemo could blend in with the reed.

00:38:59.000 I was hoping we'd get the Nemo by this point in the show.

00:39:03.000 I assume that's a beautiful fish.

00:39:05.000 Why would nature want something so brightly colored?

00:39:07.000 Because it's cute. 0.65

00:39:08.000 It's pretty fucking bizarre, man, when you think about the colors that nature has chosen and stuck with as far as designs of things. 0.95

00:39:15.000 Like tigers. 0.99

00:39:16.000 Like a big, giant, crazy killing machine that's beautiful with like White and different stripes to it. 0.96

00:39:23.000 It's not just like, why does it have to have different stripes to it? 0.99

00:39:26.000 It's obviously just fucking things up.

00:39:28.000 That's all this thing does. 0.81

00:39:29.000 It's not worried about anybody.

00:39:31.000 That thing has no natural predators. 0.99

00:39:33.000 So it's completely fearless.

00:39:34.000 So it's expressing itself as boldly as it wants to. 1.00

00:39:37.000 It's not hiding from shit. 1.00

00:39:39.000 It's on the apex of the predators. 1.00

00:39:42.000 But why is it so beautiful?

00:39:44.000 Why is it colored like that?

00:39:45.000 What benefit of natural selection was it that the tigers that made it to maturity and lived the longest and decided to outbreed the others were the ones that were brightly colored and beautiful?

00:39:57.000 That's wild, man.

00:39:58.000 You know how we find new species all the time?

00:40:00.000 Wouldn't it be cool if we found, like, new colors once in a while?

00:40:02.000 Like, we just found this new color.

00:40:04.000 It would blow your mind.

00:40:05.000 Yeah, like, if they just figure out, like, something that they can add, like, hard disk space to your optical nerves, and all of a sudden you see a broader spectrum of colors.

00:40:14.000 Or just a different color.

00:40:15.000 Like, imagine, because we grew up with all these colors, but if you just threw a new color into the mix and it blew all the charts...

00:40:21.000 You know, it's amazing that you guys smoke a pot doesn't seem to affect you.

00:40:25.000 LAUGHTER I mean, is it possible that there could be another color?

00:40:32.000 I don't know enough about colors.

00:40:33.000 I don't know, because we have this whole graph, like the color wheel and rainbows and shit to go on as proof, and that's the only thing that's colored, is Spectrum.

00:40:41.000 But what if there's something that just throws a wrench into that mix, and now you're like, oh.

00:40:46.000 I mean, that has to have happened throughout history, right? 0.96

00:40:49.000 Where they thought they had shit figured out. 1.00

00:40:52.000 How about those assholes that were using leeches? 1.00

00:40:55.000 How the fuck did that ever happen? 1.00

00:40:57.000 The bloodletting. 0.99

00:40:57.000 Were they doctors that were using leeches? 0.99

00:41:00.000 They had gone to doctor school and they were like, certain leeches appear to help.

00:41:04.000 Well, how about bloodletting, Joe? 0.99

00:41:05.000 The worst thing you can fucking do for a sick person is let more blood out. 0.99

00:41:10.000 Lobotomy. 1.00

00:41:10.000 And they thought there was bad blood inside of them. 1.00

00:41:13.000 Yeah, poison blood. 1.00

00:41:14.000 There was so much stupidity when it came to the human anatomy and how to fix things. 1.00

00:41:19.000 They used to use leeches on black eyes for fighters. 1.00

00:41:22.000 Oh, Jesus!

00:41:22.000 They did.

00:41:23.000 On the swollen eye, they put a leech.

00:41:25.000 It would suck the blood out. 0.81

00:41:26.000 Do you remember in Rocky that he couldn't see out of his eyes? 0.94

00:41:29.000 Cut me, Mick!

00:41:29.000 He actually asked him to cut him?

00:41:31.000 Yeah.

00:41:31.000 Cut me, Mick!

00:41:32.000 Cut me! 1.00

00:41:33.000 What kind of nonsense is that?

00:41:34.000 I've done that during sets. 0.98

00:41:36.000 But isn't that ridiculous?

00:41:37.000 Like, no one's ever done that. 0.86

00:41:38.000 No.

00:41:38.000 Why'd they put that in the movie?

00:41:41.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:41:42.000 Sly. 0.99

00:41:42.000 I want some answers. 0.99

00:41:44.000 Come on.

00:41:44.000 Burgess Meredith is dead.

00:41:46.000 That guy is fucking way bigger than everybody says he is. 0.99

00:41:48.000 I am so tired of everybody telling me that Sylvester Stallone is like this little tiny guy. 0.99

00:41:53.000 Like, people have some weird thing to take guys like him and Tom Cruise and go, yeah, well, he's only 5'1".

00:41:59.000 Oh, yeah, right. 0.98

00:42:00.000 Yeah, well, maybe he's got fucking billions and maybe he looks good at 70, but he's only fucking 5'3". 0.99

00:42:06.000 But he does wear heels. 0.99

00:42:07.000 I'm 5'8 and he's bigger than me.

00:42:09.000 But he wears heels.

00:42:09.000 Whatever he's wearing.

00:42:11.000 I'm telling you.

00:42:11.000 He's a big guy.

00:42:12.000 I've met him a few times.

00:42:13.000 His physical width.

00:42:14.000 That's a thick dude, man. 0.98

00:42:16.000 Can I tell you what he said to me, which is fucking hilarious? 0.94

00:42:18.000 What did he say to me? 0.94

00:42:19.000 I met him at this thing.

00:42:21.000 The name drop was Bruce Willis was at the opening in Montreal for Planet Hollywood.

00:42:26.000 And very nicely, though, he comes up to me.

00:42:27.000 And I'm with Sophie.

00:42:28.000 And he goes, Hey Dom, I'm Sly.

00:42:31.000 I don't know if I met you in Paul Reiser's thing.

00:42:34.000 And I go, yeah, Sly, I remember you.

00:42:36.000 I'm thinking, in the back of my head, I'm thinking... 0.99

00:42:38.000 This is fucking Rocky. 0.99

00:42:41.000 This is Rambo. 0.99

00:42:42.000 Do I remember you? 0.99

00:42:43.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.95

00:42:45.000 I got a chance to interview him for one of the UFCs. 0.99

00:42:49.000 I think it was before The Expendables or one of his movies.

00:42:52.000 And I got a chance to interview him.

00:42:54.000 And I was like, this is crazy, man.

00:42:56.000 Because when I was a kid, I mean, how many people have told him this story?

00:42:59.000 I saw his movie and then I went out and I ate raw eggs and ran around the block.

00:43:04.000 Trying to catch a chicken.

00:43:05.000 I ate raw eggs.

00:43:07.000 I did.

00:43:07.000 Just like he did it.

00:43:08.000 I put on a sweatsuit and I ran around the block like a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:43:12.000 I was so inspired. 1.00

00:43:13.000 I hadn't done any martial arts training at all at this point.

00:43:17.000 You know what?

00:43:17.000 It was the perfect movie for that kind of inspiration.

00:43:20.000 Yeah.

00:43:21.000 It was so interesting how touching that simple movie could be.

00:43:26.000 We love watching someone try to pull something off.

00:43:31.000 People love underdogs.

00:43:33.000 I don't know if you know this, but...

00:43:36.000 UFC light heavyweight champ John Jones just got into a car accident.

00:43:40.000 Do you know about this?

00:43:41.000 No.

00:43:41.000 He's okay.

00:43:43.000 He was drunk though.

00:43:44.000 And apparently, allegedly, the story is that at least they arrested him for DUI. I don't know whether or not he was drunk.

00:43:53.000 I don't know the full particulars of the story.

00:43:56.000 But...

00:43:57.000 So many people are, like, shitting on this kid, you know, and angry with him, as they should be for anybody who's driving drunk and anybody who loses control of their car and crashes into a tree. 0.93

00:44:09.000 But I think there's a little extra venom about this guy because he's so successful. 0.92

00:44:17.000 Because he's, like, it's come so easy to him.

00:44:21.000 And it's not easy.

00:44:22.000 Obviously, it's hard work.

00:44:23.000 But he's been, like, dominating all these people.

00:44:26.000 And I think we like to shoot people down when they get too big.

00:44:30.000 We like to look for the first flaw.

00:44:32.000 And make no mistake about it, there's no apology for what he's done.

00:44:36.000 Because what he's done scares the fuck out of me.

00:44:37.000 The one thing that I'm terrified of is finding myself on the road and seeing someone who's drunk coming towards you who doesn't have control of their car.

00:44:45.000 It's a terrible feeling.

00:44:46.000 And we've seen drunks on the highway before. 1.00

00:44:48.000 It's a scary, scary fucking thing. 0.99

00:44:50.000 So this guy loses control of his car and slams into a pole. 1.00

00:44:54.000 Whatever the fuck costs him to do that, that's bad. 0.99

00:44:57.000 That's fucking real bad. 0.99

00:44:59.000 But I think people are also, like, chipping away at this dude as a human because he's been so successful so quick. 0.99

00:45:07.000 And because he sort of tries to promote himself as, like, a God-fearing man, and he tries to promote himself as...

00:45:16.000 As a good Christian. 0.89

00:45:19.000 And because of that, when he makes a mistake and does something fucked up, people really go after him. 0.89

00:45:25.000 Because it's very difficult when you set a big example and you want to set an amazing path for kids and then you do something.

00:45:37.000 You say that's what you're doing and you say you're going to be a hero for these kids and And then, boom, you have this horrible situation.

00:45:45.000 Well, everybody's waiting for Tim Tebow to fail. 0.99

00:45:48.000 They're waiting for him to get pictures of him fucking a goat or something. 1.00

00:45:52.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:45:53.000 They would love that. 0.99

00:45:53.000 Look, I think the whole thing is a fucking tragedy on the human... 0.99

00:45:59.000 The human personality, the individual that allows themselves to get to a situation where they smash a car into a tree because they're fucked up on a drug. 0.99

00:46:11.000 It's scary because you're taking all of our lives at risk, too, with your craziness. 0.76

00:46:18.000 I just don't drive since DUI. I had a DUI. I don't fucking drive.

00:46:23.000 The appeal of Rocky is the same appeal that we all want to see somebody rise up and stop the unstoppable. 1.00

00:46:34.000 And beat up a black guy. 0.94

00:46:35.000 And when someone's really good, we want him to fail. 0.98

00:46:38.000 We secretly wanted Tyson to fail before he failed.

00:46:41.000 And then when he failed, there was like a weight lifted off the world of like a million men.

00:46:46.000 You like to see the bully knocked down.

00:46:48.000 Yeah.

00:46:48.000 And they're never the same.

00:46:49.000 He was never the same after that.

00:46:51.000 He never fought the same.

00:46:52.000 He never had the same confidence.

00:46:53.000 Well, I think you could only maintain the sort of pace that he was doing.

00:46:59.000 Depending upon your personality, but it could only go for a few years.

00:47:02.000 The amount of rage...

00:47:04.000 It was menacing, wasn't it?

00:47:06.000 Oh, he was the best ever!

00:47:08.000 Everybody wants to say that Ali was a great fighter, no doubt about it.

00:47:12.000 Tyson was better.

00:47:13.000 I really think Tyson was better.

00:47:14.000 I think Tyson in his prime, like the Marvis Frazier prime, I don't think Ali would have been able to keep him off.

00:47:20.000 I was ringside when he fought Michael Spinks in Atlantic City.

00:47:25.000 It was like up-jumped the devil.

00:47:27.000 It was like smoke was coming out of his nostrils. 1.00

00:47:29.000 He took shit to a whole new level. 1.00

00:47:32.000 It was unbelievable. 1.00

00:47:33.000 There was a bunch of guys.

00:47:35.000 I was a big boxing fan in high school.

00:47:37.000 And this was around that time that Tyson sort of rose to prominence right when I was getting out of high school.

00:47:42.000 It was like the cover of Sports Illustrated.

00:47:44.000 They called him Wonder Kid, and he was 19 years old.

00:47:46.000 19, yeah. 0.99

00:47:46.000 Yeah, and he was just fucking smashing people. 0.99

00:47:50.000 Can you imagine when he was like robbing purses? 0.99

00:47:52.000 Oh my God.

00:47:52.000 How scary that would have been.

00:47:53.000 Oh my God.

00:47:54.000 He was such an amazing specimen, but he's also intelligent.

00:47:58.000 But the physical speed that that guy had while maintaining 220, 200 and whatever pounds he was, was incredible.

00:48:06.000 No, we'd never had anybody that could punch that fast.

00:48:08.000 The Marvis-Fraser fight is one of the worst maulings in a professional heavyweight fight ever, of all time.

00:48:15.000 Well, I'll tell you what was bad.

00:48:16.000 Randall Cobb, when he got beat by Larry Holmes.

00:48:19.000 That wasn't as bad.

00:48:20.000 But we wanted him to go down.

00:48:21.000 We were all friends with him.

00:48:22.000 Go down, Randall.

00:48:23.000 Go down.

00:48:23.000 I know he couldn't, but it was horrible.

00:48:26.000 That was a ferocious beating.

00:48:27.000 But you know what he did after that?

00:48:28.000 He went to school and got a master's degree.

00:48:31.000 That guy, he got out of boxing, did acting, and I don't know if he suffers anything from his great career.

00:48:37.000 Yeah, he does.

00:48:38.000 You talk to him and he repeats himself.

00:48:41.000 There's no way around that, man.

00:48:42.000 And then you'll talk to him and he'll repeat himself.

00:48:44.000 There's no way around that. 1.00

00:48:45.000 That's scary shit. 1.00

00:48:47.000 Getting struck in the head on a repeated basis. 1.00

00:48:50.000 There's a lot of guys that suffer what they call pugilistica dementia.

00:48:55.000 A lot of guys suffer it that never even go pro.

00:48:57.000 Just guys who have good gym fights.

00:48:59.000 Well, you know Maymay Ali.

00:49:00.000 You know her, don't you?

00:49:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:01.000 And she would tell me...

00:49:03.000 She goes, my father knows everything that's going on.

00:49:06.000 His body's just failing him.

00:49:07.000 But his mind is right there.

00:49:09.000 He's like trapped in his body.

00:49:10.000 Could you imagine, man?

00:49:12.000 Well, you know, that's what cracks me up about the football thing with like all the research they're doing on concussions.

00:49:17.000 Of course they're concussions.

00:49:18.000 Of course.

00:49:19.000 Of course.

00:49:19.000 Every 40 seconds they're like in a car accident.

00:49:21.000 Yeah.

00:49:22.000 Yeah.

00:49:22.000 Well, I don't know if it's that much, but it's pretty horrendous.

00:49:25.000 Yeah.

00:49:26.000 If you look at some of those...

00:49:27.000 That's football.

00:49:28.000 They used to call them dingers.

00:49:29.000 What's the biggest linebacker they have now?

00:49:31.000 Who's the biggest?

00:49:32.000 I don't know.

00:49:32.000 I don't know who the biggest is.

00:49:33.000 Give me a big fucking scary guy. 0.99

00:49:36.000 Like 6'5 for a linebacker, 270. That'd be pretty big. 1.00

00:49:42.000 But fast, that's the thing. 0.99

00:49:43.000 You have to remember, they're fucking fast. 0.98

00:49:45.000 And they're hitting you with a lot of speed. 0.99

00:49:47.000 And they're super athletes.

00:49:48.000 Yeah. 0.80

00:49:51.000 You know, Herschel Walker's still beating the fuck out of people. 0.92

00:49:55.000 I know. 0.98

00:49:55.000 Do you know that? 0.98

00:49:55.000 48 years old. 0.98

00:49:56.000 He was a phenomena.

00:49:58.000 Yeah, I mean, what a freak combination of, like, a guy who's completely driven is a natural super athlete and has incredible discipline.

00:50:08.000 He had multiple personalities, too, you know?

00:50:10.000 He came in with different personalities in therapy.

00:50:13.000 You heard about that, right?

00:50:13.000 Yeah, I did hear about that.

00:50:14.000 How fucking crazy is that? 0.99

00:50:15.000 Wasn't that supposedly trauma-induced? 0.99

00:50:18.000 Oh, I don't know.

00:50:19.000 I thought that that was one of the issues, that this was something related to his football career.

00:50:25.000 Yeah, that I don't know.

00:50:26.000 But I just know that...

00:50:27.000 Imagine him coming in as Big Sue.

00:50:29.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:50:30.000 Hi, Big Sue.

00:50:31.000 How are you feeling today?

00:50:32.000 I'm going to look this up.

00:50:33.000 What, multiple personality?

00:50:34.000 Yeah.

00:50:35.000 You know what I think it is?

00:50:36.000 All of a sudden, I'm a therapist.

00:50:38.000 But it's not a psychosis.

00:50:40.000 It's an erotic disorder.

00:50:42.000 An erotic?

00:50:43.000 Erotic? 0.98

00:50:43.000 No, neurotic. 0.98

00:50:44.000 Oh, I thought you said erotic. 0.97

00:50:46.000 I was like, hey, Dom.

00:50:47.000 I find that very erotic.

00:50:48.000 I'm just listening to this here.

00:50:51.000 Oh! 0.60

00:50:52.000 Oh, digg! 0.81

00:50:53.000 Multiple personality trauma induced.

00:50:56.000 Is that what it says?

00:50:58.000 No, I'm googling that.

00:50:59.000 Sorry.

00:51:00.000 But I believe it did have something to do with that.

00:51:03.000 Yeah, trauma induced.

00:51:05.000 Yeah.

00:51:05.000 No kidding.

00:51:06.000 Yeah.

00:51:09.000 This sort of usually has its roots in childhood trauma.

00:51:14.000 Oh, so it could be emotional trauma too.

00:51:16.000 Could be that, yeah.

00:51:17.000 Like Sybil had that. 0.77

00:51:18.000 Yeah, okay.

00:51:19.000 You remember Sybil?

00:51:21.000 Yes.

00:51:21.000 Very dear friend of mine.

00:51:24.000 Her and Bobby D and I used to get brunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

00:51:35.000 He was talking also about how he became a completely different guy when he was playing.

00:51:42.000 Brought out his rage, right?

00:51:44.000 Yeah, his exact quote was, you don't want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child.

00:51:50.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:51:51.000 I'll punt that baby. 0.99

00:51:52.000 Could you imagine that coming out of Herschel Walker's mouth, how scary that would be?

00:51:55.000 No.

00:51:56.000 You do not want the Herschel that plays football babysitting your child.

00:52:00.000 Even though he would think of that, it's scary.

00:52:03.000 Yeah, well, he's ruthless.

00:52:05.000 I mean, I think to get that good at something, like as good as Herschel Walker was at football, I really do believe that madness and excellence are just next-door namers.

00:52:13.000 I really do.

00:52:14.000 I think in order to hit the levels of proficiency that those guys hit, like the true greats, like a guy like Jordan, a guy like Chris Walker. 0.99

00:52:22.000 Jordan's a good example because he's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:52:24.000 Yeah, of course. 0.99

00:52:25.000 He's one of those guys, like when he did his acceptance speech for the Hall of Fame, he was complaining about people who rejected him.

00:52:33.000 Instead of taking it and going, hey, I'm number one, he came angry at it.

00:52:39.000 Yeah.

00:52:39.000 Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that, you know, they never find peace.

00:52:43.000 Their life is always chasing something, chasing, you know, a win, chasing a victory, chasing whatever the fuck it is. 0.96

00:52:51.000 Don't you love that about stand-up, Joe? 1.00

00:52:52.000 Like, we can get better until we get fucking cocked on the head. 0.99

00:52:55.000 It's true. 0.98

00:52:56.000 But no matter what Jordan does, no matter what nutrition he can go visit, you know, the monks in Nepal, nothing's going to make him Michael Jordan again.

00:53:05.000 Yeah, the physical body wanes a lot quicker than the mind, but we're going to be shitting our pants and dying in fear just like him.

00:53:13.000 Hey, you'll be walking me.

00:53:14.000 You'll come and visit me at the home before I'll come and visit you.

00:53:18.000 Well, who knows?

00:53:19.000 Who knows how we all go, but it's not going to be good.

00:53:24.000 But Herschel Walker is at 48 years old. 0.99

00:53:27.000 He's fucking shredded. 1.00

00:53:28.000 Shredded. 0.99

00:53:29.000 I don't know if he's going to fight again, but he's had a bunch of MMA fights.

00:53:32.000 I think he's had three or four.

00:53:33.000 Well, he's the one that used to do like 2,000 sit-ups.

00:53:35.000 Yeah, he still does. 1.00

00:53:36.000 He still does that crazy shit. 1.00

00:53:37.000 He does all calisthenics. 1.00

00:53:38.000 He's just fucking just a freak. 1.00

00:53:41.000 He's so goddamn strong. 1.00

00:53:42.000 He takes these guys like... 0.98

00:53:43.000 I mean, he's good.

00:53:44.000 He's physically talented.

00:53:45.000 I know he's like a black belt in some martial art, karate or taekwondo or something along those lines.

00:53:50.000 Yeah.

00:53:50.000 So he physically knows how to kick and punch.

00:53:52.000 And then, you know, he's been training at AKA, which is a big gym up in San Jose.

00:53:57.000 One of the, like, big gyms in the country as far as MMA is concerned.

00:54:01.000 Like, Josh Koscheck came out of there.

00:54:03.000 John Fitch.

00:54:05.000 A lot of good guys.

00:54:07.000 Like, real good.

00:54:07.000 Gilbert Melendez.

00:54:09.000 No, excuse me.

00:54:10.000 Josh Thompson, rather, came out of there.

00:54:11.000 Gilbert Melendez and him just fought this past weekend. 0.99

00:54:14.000 Fucking incredible fight. 1.00

00:54:16.000 Holy shit, that was amazing. 1.00

00:54:17.000 When do you announce a fight again? 0.99

00:54:19.000 This weekend.

00:54:20.000 It's an upcoming weekend.

00:54:21.000 Where is it?

00:54:21.000 Vegas.

00:54:23.000 Fuck, I love it. 1.00

00:54:23.000 I think you're so fucking good at that. 1.00

00:54:25.000 It's fun. 0.97

00:54:25.000 Well, thanks. 0.97

00:54:26.000 I love hearing you.

00:54:27.000 I don't want to make it the Sammy Magdalene show, but you really break it down and you make people understand it.

00:54:33.000 Like I told you that before.

00:54:34.000 It's like so much fun because you're enthusiasm, but you know what you're talking about, but you're not above. 0.99

00:54:40.000 I don't even know what the fuck some guys are talking about. 0.97

00:54:42.000 He threw a right classanga. 0.99

00:54:44.000 Yeah, there's a little of that that goes on where it gets real sports specific.

00:54:48.000 He hit him with the 3-2 and dig in with the 5. Come on, man.

00:54:52.000 How many motherfuckers out there watching at home know what a 5 is? 1.00

00:54:55.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:54:57.000 Punches are...

00:54:58.000 One is the jab.

00:55:00.000 Two is the straight right hand.

00:55:01.000 Three is the left hook.

00:55:02.000 Four is the right upper...

00:55:03.000 So what's the 5?

00:55:05.000 I don't know.

00:55:05.000 It's probably a liver hook.

00:55:07.000 I don't know.

00:55:07.000 I don't even know what it is.

00:55:08.000 You can't go that far and not tell me the five, Joe.

00:55:12.000 They'll go as far as trying too hard.

00:55:15.000 You get a lot of sports guys that do that.

00:55:17.000 They try too hard to use the correct phrases.

00:55:21.000 Right, right.

00:55:21.000 They'll say exotic shapes, but they'll get it wrong.

00:55:23.000 Like, this is a Kimura.

00:55:25.000 No, no, this is Americana.

00:55:27.000 You know, it's a different situation.

00:55:29.000 See how the grip is?

00:55:30.000 It's totally different.

00:55:31.000 But, you know, they're calling it out anyway because it sounds like the cool sports guy thing to know.

00:55:36.000 The omoplata is a good one.

00:55:38.000 There's a guy named Walt Frazier who's an old guy who's played for the Knicks and he announces Knicks games and he does that.

00:55:44.000 Yeah.

00:55:45.000 It was, you know, juxtaposition of the imperialistic. 1.00

00:55:48.000 Get out of here, bitch. 1.00

00:55:49.000 It's like, come on. 1.00

00:55:50.000 Is there anything grosser?

00:55:52.000 Remember when Dennis Miller used to make references, like, to the Tigers and Euphrates River?

00:55:56.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:55:57.000 These fucking guys in Pittsburgh are watching a game drinking, but what's he talking about? 1.00

00:56:01.000 The what? 1.00

00:56:02.000 Dennis Miller had the weirdest act going on for a long time like that.

00:56:04.000 But this was when he was on Monday Night Football I'm talking about.

00:56:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:07.000 Well, he pissed a lot of people off on that, didn't he?

00:56:09.000 Yeah.

00:56:10.000 Because he was trying to, like, insert jokes into it.

00:56:12.000 Yeah, but I mean, also, with his references and, you know...

00:56:15.000 One time I did a thing.

00:56:16.000 I enjoy his first two specials.

00:56:18.000 Oh, he's a good comedian.

00:56:19.000 There's no doubt.

00:56:21.000 Before he became all crazy right-winger, he got a little deep end after 9-11-ish.

00:56:25.000 He went a little pro-Bush-ish.

00:56:27.000 But you go back to his earlier stuff, he's a very funny comic.

00:56:31.000 You know, it's amazing.

00:56:32.000 I was asking a writer, and you know the guy.

00:56:35.000 I won't say I'm on the air.

00:56:36.000 But he wrote for Dennis, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher.

00:56:40.000 And he said, by far, Dennis was the most decent guy to work with.

00:56:43.000 He's a great guy to talk to.

00:56:44.000 I've done his radio show a few times.

00:56:46.000 He's a great guy to talk to.

00:56:47.000 Yeah, he is.

00:56:48.000 You know, there's a lot of guys that I enjoy talking to.

00:56:52.000 There's a guy named Sam Harris that I had on the podcast.

00:56:54.000 He's very much like...

00:56:56.000 I thought he was...

00:56:59.000 He's a brilliant dude, but he shares a lot of the same sort of ideas that a lot of right-wing people share, like about the good ideas about war and the good things that we're doing by going over to these other countries and ignoring and minimalizing all the bad shit and ignoring and minimalizing All the damage that it does to these societies and the fact that people are profiting from it.

00:57:27.000 See, I would just like it explained to me.

00:57:29.000 Like, the way you were saying you explained martial arts.

00:57:32.000 Yeah.

00:57:32.000 Or AMA, rather.

00:57:34.000 I would just like somebody to explain to me why we're in Afghanistan.

00:57:37.000 What the whole purpose...

00:57:38.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:57:39.000 I still don't fucking know. 1.00

00:57:40.000 It's a massive mindfuck. 0.99

00:57:41.000 If you really sit down with someone who tells you on one side that it's an important thing as far as stabilizing that region and keeping Al-Qaeda from getting a stronghold and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, you can listen to that and you go, wow, okay, I see the point. 0.98

00:57:58.000 You know, maybe...

00:57:58.000 Maybe our military's working hard to keep us safe, and they know better than us, and that's why they're there, and they know there's a threat there.

00:58:05.000 But then when you look at it on the other side, and you talk to someone who is very educated in the history of the ways of this country, and they explain to you what's most likely going on, is that there's resources over there that we need to control. 0.99

00:58:19.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

00:58:20.000 Yeah, the Russians couldn't beat them. 1.00

00:58:22.000 They could walk there.

00:58:23.000 Yeah.

00:58:23.000 Well, apparently we're supposed to leave now.

00:58:25.000 That's what Obama's saying.

00:58:27.000 Obama's having these things while he's running for re-election where he's sitting down with Karzai.

00:58:31.000 By the way, Karzai's brother, somehow or another he got busted being in cahoots with the opium dealers down in Afghanistan.

00:58:44.000 And he was getting CIA money.

00:58:46.000 So this guy was working with the opium trade, getting CIA money.

00:58:51.000 And he's the brother of the president of Afghanistan.

00:58:54.000 Of course. 0.86

00:58:54.000 It's all crooked. 0.86

00:58:55.000 But it's amazing how...

00:58:57.000 You don't even have to look for...

00:58:58.000 It's not like six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

00:58:59.000 Right, right. 1.00

00:59:00.000 It's like his fucking brother is in the heroin business. 1.00

00:59:02.000 There's no degrees. 1.00

00:59:03.000 He's right there.

00:59:04.000 You know what, man?

00:59:05.000 I don't know.

00:59:06.000 I don't know.

00:59:07.000 I look at both sides, both arguments.

00:59:10.000 The pro argument is very shaky, in my opinion.

00:59:12.000 And I can understand the Saddam Hussein paranoia, but the Afghanistan... 0.92

00:59:16.000 My brother Joe's a colonel in the Marines.

00:59:18.000 I think the thing is the worried about Al-Qaeda taking control of the area.

00:59:22.000 The Taliban taking control of the resources.

00:59:26.000 Apparently the idea is that there's a lot of money to be made in that country.

00:59:29.000 They don't have oil though.

00:59:30.000 They have a lot of minerals.

00:59:32.000 Trillions of dollars in minerals.

00:59:34.000 And there's natural gas.

00:59:35.000 That's what the Soviets were trying to control. 0.59

00:59:37.000 And then there's the opium trade. 0.98

00:59:38.000 People don't want to believe it, but the reality is the poppies, the production has gone up through the fucking roof since America occupied. 0.94

00:59:47.000 I mean, all the statistics are available online. 0.95

00:59:50.000 You can look at it.

00:59:52.000 People don't want to believe it, but they're not stopping it.

00:59:55.000 No one in the United States that goes over there, none of those army guys, are stopping the production of poppies.

01:00:00.000 In fact, they're guarding poppy fields, and that's a fact.

01:00:04.000 Americans are guarding poppy fields?

01:00:05.000 Guarding poppy fields.

01:00:06.000 That's hilarious.

01:00:07.000 People don't believe it. 0.99

01:00:08.000 Brian, pull that shit up because we've had this on the podcast before. 0.99

01:00:12.000 Unfortunately, people have heard about this before. 1.00

01:00:14.000 It's a nutty situation.

01:00:16.000 And a lot of that stuff, I don't know what they use it for.

01:00:19.000 If it's for pharmaceutical drugs, which that is a legitimate use for that stuff.

01:00:24.000 Or if it's getting sold right into the heroin market. 0.98

01:00:26.000 I don't fucking know. 0.97

01:00:27.000 But to pretend that this isn't a factor, that these trillions of dollars, oh please, conspiracy theory, blah, blah, blah. 0.99

01:00:33.000 You're talking about something that generates just fucking insane amounts of money.

01:00:37.000 Insane amounts of money. 0.82

01:00:39.000 And I wonder how much pressure something like this, like some sort of a business venture like this, has on the introduction and the legalization of other drugs in this country.

01:00:49.000 You know, the only way they could pull off a heroin deal like this is if heroin's illegal.

01:00:54.000 So everything gets moved in under the table.

01:00:57.000 Everything gets snuck in through, you know, prearranged shipping routes.

01:01:01.000 Everything's clandestine.

01:01:03.000 You know, that's really the only way to do it because otherwise other people are going to do it.

01:01:08.000 Are we still getting opium from Afghanistan?

01:01:10.000 Of course we are.

01:01:11.000 We must be.

01:01:12.000 How's it get through?

01:01:12.000 Where's it going?

01:01:14.000 Look, they're making 90 plus percent of the world's opium in Afghanistan. 0.53

01:01:19.000 90 plus percent.

01:01:21.000 That's insane.

01:01:23.000 I mean, just that number alone is almost like a joke.

01:01:25.000 It's almost like this is a comic book.

01:01:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:01:29.000 The bad guy lives in a place where all the opium is.

01:01:32.000 We've got to let these people grow.

01:01:33.000 The bad guy is the opium.

01:01:35.000 How about that?

01:01:35.000 The opium takes care of the schools, just like in Botswana, the diamonds.

01:01:38.000 You want to find the enemy in Afghanistan?

01:01:40.000 It's heroin.

01:01:41.000 That's the enemy.

01:01:42.000 But if you like it, go for it.

01:01:45.000 Especially if you're a musician. 1.00

01:01:46.000 Because they make good shit when they're on heroin. 1.00

01:01:48.000 A lot of them do. 1.00

01:01:51.000 Eric Clapton was best when he was on heroin.

01:01:54.000 Yeah, I mentioned Hendrix before, but apparently I've been corrected that Hendrix didn't do heroin until after he made his music. 0.98

01:02:02.000 He put out his studio albums, and then he started fucking around with heroin. 0.89

01:02:06.000 Is that what he died on? 1.00

01:02:07.000 No, he died on a bunch of shit, man. 1.00

01:02:10.000 There's a lot of people that believe that he was murdered. 1.00

01:02:12.000 Like his former manager was a roadie.

01:02:17.000 And the roadie just released a book about it.

01:02:20.000 The roadie, I think, was also in a band himself when he was younger.

01:02:24.000 Like the Animals or something like that.

01:02:25.000 Oh, yeah?

01:02:25.000 And I think that's the story.

01:02:28.000 Anyway, the roadie apparently said that Jimmy had a really fucking dangerous manager. 1.00

01:02:37.000 And his manager was like mob connected and shit. 0.99

01:02:39.000 And he did a lot of fucked up things. 0.99

01:02:41.000 And one of the things he claims he did was kidnap Jimmy Hendrix. 0.95

01:02:44.000 His own manager had guys kidnap Jimmy and leave him in a hotel for three days, and then he rescued him, in quotes, to show him how powerful he is, how he can get anything done.

01:02:55.000 And they're all like, we didn't know he was with you.

01:02:58.000 And this guy, you stay with me, Jimmy, I'll protect you from these guys.

01:03:02.000 Well, apparently he also had like, you know, there was a big life insurance policy that they're saying was on Jimi Hendrix.

01:03:08.000 Now that, the veracity of that, I don't know.

01:03:12.000 You'd have to check.

01:03:13.000 I'm not really into it enough that I'm on Wikipedia, the latest. 0.98

01:03:18.000 Who the fuck knows, you know? 0.89

01:03:21.000 But the other thing was that Jimi Hendrix's girlfriend at the time, she was killed. 0.99

01:03:25.000 Somebody threw her off the top of a roof of a building somewhere in New York, but the speculation was that that had to do with Jimi Hendrix's death.

01:03:34.000 If you wanted to paint a beautiful conspiracy mystery, that's how you would go with it, whether or not that's true or not.

01:03:40.000 My favorite conspiracy was going back to Michael Jordan.

01:03:43.000 They said that because he didn't pay a lot of his golf bets.

01:03:47.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:47.000 Well, that was a big thing.

01:03:49.000 That his father was killed over that.

01:03:50.000 Oh, my God.

01:03:51.000 Yeah, his father was killed in North Carolina.

01:03:54.000 Oh, my God.

01:03:55.000 They said that was connected to that.

01:03:56.000 Who knows?

01:03:57.000 Oh, my God.

01:03:57.000 So many conspiracy theories, but...

01:03:59.000 Holy shit, is that scary. 1.00

01:04:01.000 But he was a big gambler, I know that. 1.00

01:04:02.000 Well, I know.

01:04:02.000 There was an article that was written in Esquire or one of those.

01:04:08.000 Esquire or maybe Vanity Fair.

01:04:10.000 I don't remember what magazine it was.

01:04:11.000 But it was an article that was written by a guy who was a golf hustler who Michael Jordan owed like a half a million dollars.

01:04:20.000 Oh, yeah.

01:04:20.000 He never paid up.

01:04:21.000 I heard he goes to places and has dinner and doesn't pay.

01:04:24.000 Oh, wow.

01:04:25.000 Just because he graced them with his presents.

01:04:27.000 Wow.

01:04:28.000 Really?

01:04:28.000 Doesn't tip.

01:04:29.000 They call Scotty Pippen no-tippin'-pippin'.

01:04:32.000 Yeah, I heard that.

01:04:33.000 That's so unfortunate.

01:04:34.000 It's amazing that a guy can get so successful and still be so selfish.

01:04:39.000 You know? 1.00

01:04:40.000 Maybe it's just he works so fucking hard that he just thinks everybody else is shit. 1.00

01:04:46.000 He's such a... 1.00

01:04:48.000 Hard-working, badass motherfucker that everybody else is like, bitch, you want money for serving me? 1.00

01:04:53.000 Right. 1.00

01:04:53.000 The irony of it is he has the worst team in the history of basketball this year. 1.00

01:04:57.000 Oh, he owns a team now, right?

01:04:58.000 He owns Bobcats, and they were the worst team ever.

01:05:00.000 Wow.

01:05:01.000 He went from being arguably the greatest player to the worst general manager ever.

01:05:05.000 I wonder if he's...

01:05:07.000 Do you think he's not a good owner, or do you think he just doesn't have good...

01:05:10.000 I think he's got that syndrome where, you remember the Al Capone thing where everybody would laugh when he laughed and stop when he stopped?

01:05:16.000 I think he has that.

01:05:16.000 A lot of yes people around him.

01:05:18.000 So nobody says no.

01:05:19.000 So he makes moves that he doesn't really know what he's doing.

01:05:22.000 But there's nobody to confront him. 0.99

01:05:25.000 Nobody has the balls to confront him. 0.99

01:05:26.000 I think that's part of the problem. 0.99

01:05:27.000 Yeah, that's the thing that people always look for.

01:05:30.000 People always look for sycophants.

01:05:32.000 When you want to see a guy who's falling apart, you look towards a sycophant.

01:05:36.000 And if you want to insult guys, you call them sycophants, which is always hilarious.

01:05:42.000 Like, guys can't be friends.

01:05:43.000 No.

01:05:44.000 If one guy is more successful than the other, well, the rest are just sycophants. 1.00

01:05:48.000 In the moron's mind, that's the conversation that comes up. 0.99

01:05:53.000 So that's demeaning to all the other guys that hang out with a guy. 0.96

01:06:00.000 Do you find people change towards you in some ways?

01:06:04.000 In what way?

01:06:06.000 What do you mean?

01:06:06.000 Well, deferring to you because they think they can get something or anything.

01:06:10.000 Well, there's going to always be people that are weird, man.

01:06:13.000 They're trying to hustle.

01:06:17.000 They're trying to sell something.

01:06:20.000 They want to get close to you because they think it'll be advantageous to them.

01:06:23.000 There's people that give it away, man.

01:06:26.000 They give it away quick.

01:06:27.000 I just find that people kind of hit on me for stuff that I really don't...

01:06:31.000 I can't write them a strong act.

01:06:33.000 Right.

01:06:34.000 But Dom, you think you can sit down and write with me?

01:06:36.000 Yeah, right.

01:06:37.000 It's just funny.

01:06:38.000 But I mean, sometimes I think people want stuff that I'm not even powerful enough to give them.

01:06:43.000 You know, one thing would it be cool to do, and I have thought about doing this before, I think it would be really kind of a fun thing, to have guys like you and me and maybe Stan Hope or, you know, someone else weird along those lines.

01:06:57.000 Have, like, a series of guys.

01:06:58.000 Have Joey Diaz do some and Ari Shaffir do some. 0.98

01:07:01.000 And have it so comics will have, like, a meeting at the, you know, the improv on, like, Saturday at, like, 5 in the afternoon.

01:07:09.000 And we'll just answer any questions.

01:07:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:07:12.000 Wouldn't that be great?

01:07:13.000 Sure.

01:07:13.000 Can you imagine if you were a guy who'd been doing comedy a year and you could talk to the you of today just to ask you, what do you do?

01:07:20.000 How do you get started?

01:07:22.000 What do you write about?

01:07:22.000 How do you write?

01:07:23.000 Do you write it down?

01:07:24.000 Do you write bullet points?

01:07:25.000 How do you practice it?

01:07:27.000 Do you practice it in order?

01:07:28.000 Do you practice alone at home or only on stage?

01:07:30.000 Do you do the same order every time?

01:07:32.000 I had a guy ask me, and he was so disappointed that I just told him the reality.

01:07:35.000 He said, how do you get on The Tonight Show and those kind of shows?

01:07:38.000 I said, well...

01:07:39.000 The first, you know, the most important thing is it's very hard to write those sets.

01:07:43.000 Because I'm like you.

01:07:44.000 I'm more freeform and I don't like to write tight sets.

01:07:47.000 Right.

01:07:47.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:48.000 But it's hard.

01:07:49.000 And I said, you know, you really have to write them and, you know, construct them so that they're only five minutes.

01:07:54.000 And he goes, you got to write?

01:07:56.000 And I go, well, yeah.

01:07:57.000 What do you think you do?

01:07:58.000 Call up the president of show business and ask him for a favor?

01:08:01.000 Yeah.

01:08:01.000 You gotta write?

01:08:02.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:08:03.000 I didn't expect that. 1.00

01:08:05.000 Yeah, some people don't like writing.

01:08:06.000 I break my head.

01:08:09.000 I've done that before, and I'm not nearly as prolific.

01:08:12.000 I gotta sit down.

01:08:13.000 Prolific.

01:08:14.000 Well, because you're working so much, too.

01:08:15.000 You were so busy with that.

01:08:17.000 Well, it's...

01:08:17.000 You know, it seems like a lot of work, but everything that I do is fun.

01:08:21.000 So it doesn't seem like work at all.

01:08:23.000 But it's still time-consuming.

01:08:24.000 It's time-consuming, yeah.

01:08:25.000 I mean, but...

01:08:26.000 It's very hard to crack the starting lineup, don't you think?

01:08:29.000 You just got to do it. 0.99

01:08:30.000 The harder it is for me, the better you get and the more strong shit you have, the harder it is to break the starting lineup because you're thinking, fuck, I don't want to put that in. 1.00

01:08:38.000 It's not strong enough. 1.00

01:08:39.000 Well, once you get it down, you get an opening bit or a whole chunk down like fucking hardened Japanese samurai sword, just fold it over and Just polish that bitch down until it's lethal. 1.00

01:08:52.000 Until it's perfect. 0.99

01:08:54.000 You don't want to let it go.

01:08:55.000 But unfortunately, you have to.

01:08:57.000 There's no other way.

01:08:59.000 We're doing a show here at the Ice House Wednesday night.

01:09:03.000 Do you do anything Wednesday?

01:09:08.000 I have one spot at the store.

01:09:09.000 What's up?

01:09:10.000 10 o'clock show.

01:09:10.000 We're doing a show here.

01:09:11.000 I'll come out.

01:09:12.000 Will you do a set?

01:09:13.000 Sure.

01:09:13.000 What time is your spot at the store?

01:09:15.000 10 o'clock.

01:09:16.000 Will I make it?

01:09:17.000 Yeah, you could do it just late.

01:09:19.000 If you just do your set there, and then if the store's not too late, the store's sometimes running late.

01:09:24.000 Nah, I can get on.

01:09:26.000 Well, we sometimes don't even start at 10 o'clock.

01:09:28.000 We'll start at like 10, 10. We're crazy.

01:09:30.000 What's it going to go to?

01:09:31.000 It'll go to at least midnight, right?

01:09:32.000 Yeah.

01:09:32.000 Well, if you come, you know, and I'm already on stage, I'll bring you on stage.

01:09:37.000 All right. 1.00

01:09:37.000 And we can fuck around. 1.00

01:09:38.000 Okay. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Or you can just do your act.

01:09:40.000 I mean, I'll introduce you at any time.

01:09:42.000 Any time you get here, we'll throw you up.

01:09:43.000 That'll be awesome.

01:09:44.000 What, is it a benefit? 0.99

01:09:45.000 No, we're fucking around. 0.99

01:09:46.000 Oh, yeah. 0.69

01:09:47.000 We're going to have a podcast at 9, 10, and that's May 23rd if you're listening to this later.

01:09:51.000 Yeah, so if you're listening to this later and you want to come down to the Ice House and stalk us.

01:09:55.000 Can I plug a couple days?

01:09:56.000 Please do.

01:09:57.000 I got Atlanta.

01:09:58.000 June 15th and 16th, I think it is.

01:10:00.000 Punchline.

01:10:01.000 Oh, great club.

01:10:02.000 And a big gig for me, because it goes to Philly, is June 30th.

01:10:06.000 I'm at the Tropicana in the big room upstairs.

01:10:10.000 Tropicana, Atlantic City?

01:10:11.000 Yeah, which I love.

01:10:12.000 Do you love Atlantic City?

01:10:13.000 Well, for me. 1.00

01:10:15.000 We got all the fucking Italians coming from Hamilton. 1.00

01:10:18.000 The mayor and everybody. 1.00

01:10:20.000 Well, you know, you're one of those guys that you never stuck with the same act. 0.99

01:10:26.000 You know, you're not one of those guys where you go see them like three years later and you'll see the same shit verbatim. 0.99

01:10:32.000 It's always writing. 0.99

01:10:33.000 I fucking try. 0.99

01:10:35.000 You love it. 0.99

01:10:35.000 You're a real comic, man. 0.99

01:10:38.000 You're a real craftsman.

01:10:39.000 You could not have picked a better occupation. 0.99

01:10:42.000 It's not like Dom Herrera should have been a plumber, should have been an electrician, should have been a doctor, whatever the fuck it was. 0.95

01:10:48.000 That's the one thing about my lack of talent in many things. 0.96

01:10:51.000 It's easier for me to focus.

01:10:53.000 Well, you've always loved comedy, man.

01:10:55.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:55.000 I mean, since the moment I met you, we've had so many conversations about comedy, and I've got to see you always working on shit and tightening shit. 0.99

01:11:04.000 There's some guys, and we all know them. 0.99

01:11:06.000 There comes a point in time where they just start phoning it in.

01:11:09.000 But you never hit that.

01:11:10.000 You never hit that.

01:11:12.000 You even say that, too.

01:11:13.000 You're always saying, like, I'm trying to get better.

01:11:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:15.000 That's in your head all the time.

01:11:17.000 Absolutely.

01:11:17.000 If you're not getting better, you're getting worse.

01:11:19.000 You don't stay at the one spot. 0.99

01:11:20.000 And what the fuck are you doing if you're not getting better? 1.00

01:11:22.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:11:23.000 Why are you wasting your time? 1.00

01:11:24.000 That's why I do so many sets.

01:11:27.000 It's fun, too.

01:11:29.000 It's a fun thing to do.

01:11:30.000 Make people laugh is a fun time.

01:11:32.000 We're the luckiest human being.

01:11:34.000 New rules!

01:11:36.000 One of my favorites.

01:11:37.000 I wish you could reenact that bit.

01:11:39.000 I loved that bit.

01:11:40.000 That was a labor of love, that bit.

01:11:42.000 That was a bit that I... What's her name? 0.93

01:11:45.000 Anna Nicole Smith.

01:11:46.000 Anna Nicole Smith, yeah.

01:11:47.000 That was a bit that I was actually forbidden from saying at the comedy store.

01:11:51.000 Really?

01:11:51.000 Yeah, Mitzi came up to me once.

01:11:54.000 That's not funny.

01:11:56.000 Leave it alone. 1.00

01:11:57.000 Show your fucking neck got longer when you went new rules. 1.00

01:12:00.000 New rules! 1.00

01:12:00.000 The joke was about, you know, everybody was like, oh my god, Anna Nicole Smith, she's marrying this old billionaire that's so horrible. 1.00

01:12:10.000 Like, what she's doing is so terrible, she's taking advantage of him. 0.99

01:12:13.000 And my joke was, don't you think he fucking knows? 0.96

01:12:16.000 He's 90 years old, he made a billion dollars from scratch. 0.99

01:12:21.000 Chances are, the dude's a tad crafty.

01:12:23.000 Right. 1.00

01:12:24.000 And it was him getting her to do all his crazy fucked up shit or he wouldn't give her money. 1.00

01:12:29.000 And it just kept getting nuttier and nuttier as he was dying. 1.00

01:12:33.000 He wanted her to lick his ass while he was dying. 1.00

01:12:35.000 He was screaming. 1.00

01:12:36.000 It was one of my favorite bits to do because it was like...

01:12:41.000 It felt justified. 0.88

01:12:42.000 Right, right.

01:12:43.000 You could get away with it.

01:12:44.000 I didn't know you were told not to do that.

01:12:46.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:12:46.000 So then how did new rules come in when you do something perverted?

01:12:49.000 Oh, yeah.

01:12:50.000 You can't do this in the hospital? 1.00

01:12:52.000 Yeah, she says, he goes, lick my balls. 1.00

01:12:54.000 And she says, sugar, I would love to stay here and be with you. 1.00

01:12:57.000 But the visiting hours between 9 and 11, he goes, no, I just bought the hospital.

01:13:05.000 New rules.

01:13:06.000 That's it. 1.00

01:13:07.000 Lick my balls 24 hours a day! 1.00

01:13:11.000 I love that fucking bit. 1.00

01:13:13.000 He would be in a wheelchair, man, and she'd be standing over him, this insanely hot, big-titted guest model. 1.00

01:13:21.000 And you'd just look at her and go, oh my god, that fucking body she had. 1.00

01:13:26.000 Just this insane fuck body. 1.00

01:13:29.000 She was like a giant Jane Mansfield. 1.00

01:13:31.000 When those early pictures, like when she was in Playboy or whatever the fuck she did, you look at her body and go, Jesus Christ, what a body that woman had. 1.00

01:13:38.000 Just all voluptuous and legs and, you know, like you and I like them. 0.99

01:13:43.000 We don't like no skinny broads. 1.00

01:13:45.000 I like a little meat on the bone. 1.00

01:13:47.000 I like a girl I can take a good fucking, because you know how I deliver. 1.00

01:13:50.000 Oh, I know. 1.00

01:13:51.000 Oh! 0.90

01:13:53.000 I like to bang a head into the wall the whole time. 0.78

01:13:55.000 I like to deliver. 0.78

01:13:57.000 Oh! 0.60

01:13:58.000 That sounds like him.

01:13:59.000 That's my best impression.

01:14:01.000 He's one of my best impressions, right?

01:14:03.000 I went to a strip club in Cleveland, and it was one of the most...

01:14:06.000 The name of the club was...

01:14:08.000 The name of the club was Sexy Secret, or something like that.

01:14:14.000 Something secret.

01:14:15.000 Sexy Secret.

01:14:16.000 It was something secret.

01:14:17.000 And so I walk in and I was the only white person in the whole entire club.

01:14:21.000 So like the secret was I was, you know.

01:14:25.000 But it was crazy.

01:14:26.000 Sexy secret. 0.84

01:14:27.000 Secret in, we gonna rob you! 0.99

01:14:30.000 But I immediately got swarmed.

01:14:32.000 It was like zombie style.

01:14:34.000 One by one, all the strippers looked over and was like, wow, white guy.

01:14:37.000 And it came over.

01:14:38.000 At one point, I had two girls on each lap. 1.00

01:14:43.000 One girl giving me a massage.

01:14:44.000 Wait a minute.

01:14:45.000 You can't support two girls on each leg. 1.00

01:14:47.000 That's ridiculous. 0.91

01:14:48.000 That's a lot of weight. 0.96

01:14:49.000 Two girls on each leg. 1.00

01:14:50.000 So you got four girls on your lap. 1.00

01:14:52.000 No, no, two.

01:14:53.000 I'm sorry.

01:14:53.000 A girl on each leg.

01:14:55.000 Oh.

01:14:55.000 I'm sorry.

01:14:55.000 I meant two girls.

01:14:56.000 Two girls.

01:14:57.000 One on each leg.

01:14:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:14:58.000 One on each leg.

01:14:59.000 That's a lot of weight, too.

01:15:00.000 That hurts after a while.

01:15:01.000 That's not funny.

01:15:02.000 Yeah, you can't act like it hurts.

01:15:03.000 They weren't very big.

01:15:04.000 Move a little, honey. 1.00

01:15:05.000 Your ass is bony. 1.00

01:15:06.000 Yeah, you got to step up. 1.00

01:15:07.000 Your fucking left leg's numb. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Right. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Fall down and smash your face in a cocktail glass. 1.00

01:15:12.000 But they just took turns putting their butts in my face. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Oh, Jesus, son. 0.99

01:15:17.000 It was so much butt.

01:15:18.000 I felt butt juice on my arms like it was moisturizer or something like that after a while.

01:15:23.000 It was so hot in there. 0.98

01:15:24.000 But anyways, check out a black strip club in the ghetto sometime. 0.98

01:15:28.000 It's pretty weird. 0.93

01:15:29.000 You okay?

01:15:30.000 What?

01:15:31.000 No, it's really interesting.

01:15:33.000 Butt juice.

01:15:33.000 Did you...

01:15:35.000 So you let them sort of get butt juice on you all over the place? 0.99

01:15:40.000 The thing is, you know how you go to a normal strip club like what you're used to and it's all about big boobs, perfect body, nice butt or something? 1.00

01:15:48.000 There, it was all about huge fucking bubble asses. 1.00

01:15:52.000 Just girls, normal looking girls, but with I think butt implants or something. 1.00

01:15:57.000 It was all about butts. 1.00

01:15:58.000 Can I ask you something? 0.97

01:15:59.000 Yeah.

01:15:59.000 Have you ever been officially diagnosed?

01:16:05.000 I went to a strip club in Philly, and this black chick asked me for a lap dance, and I said, no thanks, and she said, you're a racist. 0.97

01:16:12.000 And the bouncer was black, big guy, and he knew me. 0.99

01:16:16.000 And I go, what'd she say? 0.93

01:16:17.000 I said, she said, I'm a racist.

01:16:19.000 With the fact that I don't think you're hot. 0.82

01:16:21.000 How rude.

01:16:22.000 Yeah, how does that make me a racist?

01:16:23.000 I have a new thing to say to you.

01:16:25.000 Meanwhile, there you are, hold on a second, because meanwhile there you are arguing with a stripper. 1.00

01:16:29.000 That's a good line.

01:16:41.000 Wow, that's good.

01:16:43.000 Oh my god, that guy.

01:16:44.000 I think he's really cute and he totally wanted to dance, but I look like his sister and that is kind of creepy. 1.00

01:16:50.000 That motherfucker! 1.00

01:16:52.000 He said I look like his sister! 1.00

01:16:55.000 And you'll start a fight in the dressing room. 1.00

01:16:57.000 And then I'll come out and fucking shank you. 1.00

01:16:59.000 Maybe you were like that close to death and you don't even know. 1.00

01:17:02.000 No.

01:17:03.000 I think I was fine.

01:17:03.000 It was pretty amazing how they just swarmed to me.

01:17:08.000 Like all these other guys were kind of getting pissed.

01:17:10.000 Really?

01:17:10.000 Dudes were getting pissed?

01:17:11.000 Yeah.

01:17:12.000 Was this in Cleveland?

01:17:13.000 Was this by the flats?

01:17:14.000 Where was it?

01:17:15.000 I forget the name of it.

01:17:16.000 I know a strip club there. 1.00

01:17:17.000 A friend of mine gave this girl like a thousand dollars because she said she was studying classical music. 1.00

01:17:24.000 Some shit. 1.00

01:17:25.000 She believed him. 1.00

01:17:26.000 Or he believed her.

01:17:27.000 Really?

01:17:27.000 Can you imagine?

01:17:28.000 She was studying like the oboe or something.

01:17:31.000 You know, some highfalutin musical school.

01:17:36.000 I can't even remember the name.

01:17:38.000 Juilliard or something. 0.99

01:17:39.000 You know, it's like, give me a fucking break. 0.99

01:17:42.000 How many girls do, like, are strippers and have, like, high-functioning jobs on top? 1.00

01:17:48.000 Not many.

01:17:49.000 Do you know there was, like, there's, like, a chick who got fired from somewhere. 0.98

01:17:53.000 I forget where she got fired from.

01:17:55.000 But she writes for, like, a local paper.

01:17:57.000 I think it was, like, the Houston Chronicle or something like that.

01:18:00.000 And she was writing a column, but she was also, like, on the side, she was a stripper.

01:18:04.000 And they found out, so they fired her. 0.93

01:18:06.000 Somebody, like, turned her in, so they fired her. 0.75

01:18:08.000 You know what?

01:18:08.000 I think I would be if I was a woman and won some extra cash.

01:18:11.000 Well, first of all, anybody that would turn her in like that, I guess if it's a moral thing, you're silly. 1.00

01:18:17.000 And if it's not a moral thing, you're a cunt. 1.00

01:18:19.000 Why are you turning her in? 1.00

01:18:20.000 Yeah, there's no upside.

01:18:21.000 Why are you getting her fired? 1.00

01:18:22.000 Is she a bad person?

01:18:24.000 She's just out there hustling. 1.00

01:18:26.000 What do you give a fuck? 1.00

01:18:27.000 Just keep it yourself and now you can go see her naked. 1.00

01:18:30.000 What's wrong with you? 0.97

01:18:31.000 Right?

01:18:32.000 If you've got a weird thing with somebody, the best thing to do is go visit them while they're naked.

01:18:37.000 Right? 1.00

01:18:37.000 Yeah, you can resolve that shit. 1.00

01:18:39.000 I got a stripper bit. 1.00

01:18:42.000 You know my stripper bit, Joe?

01:18:44.000 Like, I'm serious.

01:18:46.000 Brian's like, really?

01:18:47.000 Yeah, man.

01:18:49.000 I'm trying to break down the whole stripper and boyfriend relationship. 0.96

01:18:53.000 I'm trying to break it down, Brian.

01:18:55.000 You have to have a certain mentality if you're going to date a girl as an active stripper. 1.00

01:19:00.000 I couldn't do that.

01:19:01.000 You really got to be able to let things go.

01:19:02.000 You got to let things go.

01:19:03.000 Well, how about those dudes that date porn stars? 1.00

01:19:06.000 Oh, that's disgusting. 1.00

01:19:06.000 You're only allowed to fuck while you're at work. 1.00

01:19:09.000 You can't fuck on the side. 1.00

01:19:10.000 That's where I draw the line. 1.00

01:19:11.000 Yeah.

01:19:11.000 I'm the boss around here.

01:19:12.000 They have rules like that.

01:19:13.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:19:14.000 You're allowed to fuck people, but only while you're working. 1.00

01:19:17.000 So, this dude's just working all day, every day. 1.00

01:19:20.000 Imagine she's a mother, too.

01:19:21.000 Like, the mother of your children.

01:19:23.000 A lot of a mother.

01:19:24.000 A lot of them are.

01:19:25.000 A lot of them are.

01:19:26.000 There's girls that have babies and look, what are they going to do? 1.00

01:19:29.000 They're going to make a lot of money doing porn or they're going to make no money not doing porn.

01:19:32.000 So they either do porn or they're going to do feature dancing. 0.99

01:19:35.000 It's a fucking grind out there, man, for everybody. 1.00

01:19:38.000 And if you're a chick that's banked on your looks, There's guys that think they're going to be professional pitchers and their fucking elbow blows out. 1.00

01:19:47.000 Everybody makes a risky gamble in this life. 0.99

01:19:50.000 We're all one pitch away.

01:19:52.000 Yeah, we are.

01:19:54.000 Yeah, if you look at it that way down where we are.

01:19:56.000 Joe Rogan.

01:19:57.000 I try to be as fair as possible.

01:19:59.000 Don't you?

01:20:00.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:20:01.000 That's what my life's about.

01:20:03.000 Fairness.

01:20:03.000 The balance of justice.

01:20:05.000 Yeah, a balance of justice.

01:20:07.000 That's a good way of putting it.

01:20:08.000 You know?

01:20:09.000 I got offered to go in a coal mine.

01:20:12.000 It was a mile and a half deep.

01:20:15.000 I declined it, but he was telling me how you travel on this thing, I forget, where you lay back and you're laying on your back and you just go down this hole slowly, you know, a mile down or something.

01:20:27.000 And he's like, dude, if you want to go, we can totally do this whenever you want to. 0.98

01:20:31.000 And I was like, fuck no. 1.00

01:20:33.000 I would rather try to commit suicide than do that. 1.00

01:20:39.000 That sounds scary as fuck. 1.00

01:20:40.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:20:42.000 Yeah, why are people into doing things that are really terrifying?

01:20:44.000 I don't know.

01:20:45.000 I don't think they have a choice.

01:20:46.000 Yeah, coal miners are... 1.00

01:20:47.000 Can you imagine being a coal miner?

01:20:48.000 No way.

01:20:49.000 That's a different species.

01:20:49.000 There was a show that they had on Spike that I only could watch one episode because it freaked me out so bad.

01:20:54.000 I think it was called Coal.

01:20:55.000 It was a reality show about coal mining. 0.99

01:20:57.000 It was fucking terrifying. 1.00

01:20:59.000 They're deep, deep, deep inside this fucking mountain hoping it doesn't do this. 1.00

01:21:04.000 Boom! 0.99

01:21:04.000 They're pulling out giant chunks of it so they're going to make it brittle. 0.99

01:21:08.000 I mean, you know how brittle coal is anyway, man.

01:21:11.000 When you feel coal, you know how brittle coal is.

01:21:13.000 Coal breaks.

01:21:14.000 It's not steel.

01:21:16.000 You know, when you feel it, you can chew into it with those machines and they pull it out of there. 0.99

01:21:22.000 It can crack and move and shit. 0.98

01:21:25.000 How about the guys that were down there in Chile? 0.99

01:21:28.000 They were beaten off.

01:21:30.000 Was that like a month or something?

01:21:32.000 Didn't they send them flashlights?

01:21:33.000 They were beaten off?

01:21:34.000 Really?

01:21:35.000 No. 1.00

01:21:35.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:21:36.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

01:21:37.000 Here's some water, and here, fuck this. 1.00

01:21:39.000 Here's a candle so you can look each other in the eye while you're doing it. 1.00

01:21:43.000 And some butter for the canary.

01:21:45.000 You gotta kinda clean it off, though, so save the water.

01:21:48.000 Remember the one guy who had a wife and a girlfriend they found out when he was still down there?

01:21:52.000 Once he was in the hole.

01:21:52.000 The guy's bawling.

01:21:53.000 What are you going to do?

01:21:55.000 Can you imagine being in a situation where that's the only way you could feed your family?

01:22:00.000 You have to go to work in a mine. 1.00

01:22:02.000 That's really scary shit. 0.99

01:22:04.000 To be one of the people that's responsible for pulling chunks out of the earth so that we can use it. 0.99

01:22:09.000 When you look at humans and the relationship that we have to the earth...

01:22:13.000 It's so parasitic and strange.

01:22:15.000 And we never consider it that way.

01:22:17.000 We look at it as natural resources. 0.85

01:22:18.000 But if you look at the earth as like a living organism, we've got to go inside of it and pull shit out of it that we use to light things on fire on the surface. 0.52

01:22:26.000 We'll literally have our whole society run on the blood of the earth. 0.71

01:22:31.000 The whole thing is run on oil. 0.99

01:22:33.000 Everything is run on some black liquid that is fucking trillions of gallons of it inside the earth and we're sucking it out. 0.96

01:22:40.000 And we're pretty sure it's finite. 0.97

01:22:42.000 Well, it has to be finite.

01:22:43.000 We don't even know what's going to happen if it is finite.

01:22:46.000 What happens?

01:22:47.000 The Earth's going to implode?

01:22:49.000 Is it going to light on fire? 0.99

01:22:50.000 What the fuck's going to happen? 0.98

01:22:51.000 Is it going to spin faster and days will go shorter? 1.00

01:22:54.000 We'll die instantly? 1.00

01:22:55.000 Who the fuck knows? 1.00

01:22:56.000 That's bad science, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

01:22:58.000 I don't believe in any of that.

01:22:59.000 I don't want to get any angry Twitter messages.

01:23:02.000 The Twilight Zone.

01:23:03.000 Remember the morning sun?

01:23:05.000 The one in the episode where they thought it was getting hotter every day because the Earth had fallen out of its elliptical orbit and was coming closer and closer to the sun.

01:23:15.000 Then finally the painting started melting and they knew it was over. 0.99

01:23:18.000 Holy shit. 0.97

01:23:19.000 And she wakes up and she finds out it's just the opposite. 0.99

01:23:22.000 The Earth is going farther away from the sun.

01:23:23.000 Oh my god.

01:23:24.000 And every day it's getting colder.

01:23:25.000 So it just shows the fragile existence which we have.

01:23:28.000 Anyway, I've been Don Marrera.

01:23:30.000 You guys have been great at that.

01:23:32.000 I like to bum a crowd out.

01:23:33.000 A lot of guys, they go for the left, not me.

01:23:35.000 It is true, though, that we live in a delicate balance.

01:23:39.000 I mean, think about, we don't experience it here in California, but when I lived in Boston, or anybody on the East Coast knows, there's a vast difference between what it's like to go outside in January and what it's like to go outside in August. 0.86

01:23:50.000 There's a fucking world of difference. 0.82

01:23:53.000 I'd rather have January. 0.99

01:23:54.000 Would you really?

01:23:55.000 Well, then I'd rather be in 10 degrees than 110, for sure.

01:23:58.000 Really?

01:23:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:23:59.000 That's interesting.

01:24:00.000 Is that because you've spent too much time out here? 0.99

01:24:03.000 It's because I'm a fat pig and I hate myself. 0.99

01:24:05.000 Did I remind you? 0.99

01:24:07.000 No, I never liked heat.

01:24:09.000 Really?

01:24:09.000 Yeah, hot tubs, saunas.

01:24:11.000 I like it.

01:24:12.000 I like it hot.

01:24:13.000 You like Vegas in the summer?

01:24:14.000 No, that's too hot.

01:24:15.000 That's crazy. 0.95

01:24:16.000 That's silly. 0.98

01:24:17.000 That's different planet hot. 0.95

01:24:18.000 I like 90 degrees.

01:24:20.000 I like going outside when it's 90 degrees, especially East Coast 90 degrees because it's funky and sweaty.

01:24:24.000 I think it's healthy.

01:24:25.000 I think it's good for you.

01:24:26.000 I like 50 degrees with a thong on, a couple boiled potatoes down on clogs, and a guinea tea.

01:24:33.000 Dirty toenails.

01:24:35.000 I got dirty toenails.

01:24:37.000 Big afro wig.

01:24:38.000 Toilet paper all over my chest.

01:24:42.000 That's an image you'll never forget.

01:24:44.000 Sorry, I started the show with that.

01:24:46.000 It's not that I'll never forget it.

01:24:48.000 It's just that we could all relate.

01:24:49.000 Everyone could have seen themselves in that situation.

01:24:52.000 Especially if you didn't get expected to get, you know, woken up.

01:24:55.000 Oh, jeez.

01:24:56.000 What?

01:24:56.000 Where are we going?

01:24:57.000 Where are we going?

01:24:58.000 That's a good album cover if you're ever having a CD. It would be hilarious if it was the actual photo, if you realized it and you said, oh my god, here, hold my camera.

01:25:06.000 Take a picture of this.

01:25:07.000 I just remember him pointing at it.

01:25:09.000 What's that?

01:25:10.000 What?

01:25:10.000 I could paper all over up to my neck.

01:25:12.000 That is hilarious.

01:25:15.000 Loads.

01:25:17.000 How much of our time on this earth is spent devising new ways to get rid of loads?

01:25:22.000 I would say 35 to 40%.

01:25:26.000 I mean, think about some of the relationships that you have were really just exchanges from a load extracting contractor.

01:25:33.000 Yep.

01:25:33.000 You know, it's like there's relationships that guys have, especially like young men early on in life when you're essentially, you know, you're like a vampire that must feed.

01:25:42.000 And you only have so long where you can go before you start going crazy.

01:25:46.000 You start dating somebody like, I'm pretty close to feeding.

01:25:49.000 Here we go.

01:25:49.000 And then once you get close enough so you can actually have sex, by the time you do that, Most of us have already compromised our position considerably.

01:25:57.000 And the relationship that we've agreed to and relented to is completely not what we're looking for.

01:26:04.000 We just had to get some sex in.

01:26:07.000 It's impossible to avoid. 0.82

01:26:08.000 So we tried to pretend to be the guy that you wanted us to be.

01:26:11.000 Because that's the way you get laid. 1.00

01:26:12.000 It becomes a junkie situation.

01:26:14.000 You know, it becomes a situation where you're making irrational decisions. 0.98

01:26:17.000 You're hoping that it works out and the person you wind up fucking is someone you actually like. 0.85

01:26:22.000 And just compatible personalities get together and you raise a family or whatever. 0.91

01:26:27.000 You're hoping that you get to that situation.

01:26:29.000 But most of the time, you don't.

01:26:31.000 Most of the time, you're completely incompatible.

01:26:33.000 No, you're telling me. 0.99

01:26:34.000 You date someone and there are all sorts of problems and complaining and whining and bullshit. 0.99

01:26:40.000 The funniest one, you know, Dub David off. 0.98

01:26:42.000 Yeah, very much so.

01:26:43.000 Funny guy.

01:26:44.000 Very funny guy.

01:26:45.000 You know, you got to talk to him sometime about this because he did it.

01:26:49.000 I thought he took the ring off the girl while she was asleep, but he just stole it from the dresser.

01:26:54.000 But in the middle of the night, he unengaged himself by taking the ring back.

01:26:58.000 Oh my God.

01:26:58.000 Imagine her waking up the next day and...

01:27:01.000 But he got engaged in like two weeks. 0.99

01:27:03.000 What is this, a fucking movie? 1.00

01:27:05.000 That's not real. 1.00

01:27:05.000 Some people, they want that. 1.00

01:27:08.000 It's a fun thing to think of, man.

01:27:10.000 It's a love junkie.

01:27:11.000 It's like loving that feeling, that instant magic.

01:27:14.000 Well, everybody wants that.

01:27:16.000 Everybody wants to knock one out of the park.

01:27:19.000 You meet someone, and she's nice, and she's friendly, and she's interesting.

01:27:25.000 Oh my god, I just know it's the one, Dom.

01:27:27.000 I only know her for four hours, but I'm telling you, I'm marrying this girl tomorrow morning.

01:27:31.000 I already asked her to marry. 1.00

01:27:32.000 We fucked five times already. 1.00

01:27:33.000 We've known each other for four hours. 0.99

01:27:35.000 There's people that throw themselves with abandon.

01:27:38.000 It's because they want someone to believe in them. 0.96

01:27:41.000 They want someone to love them the same way they want to love someone they have this massive need To both love and be loved they are they're in a love deficit So when love comes along they they fucking throw a shit fit they go crazy They'll ban and their friends they stop and yeah, yeah phone. 0.99

01:27:59.000 They'll throw their phone in the toilet I don't care. 0.99

01:28:01.000 I'm just by your side as long as I'm with you.

01:28:03.000 I don't want anything else.

01:28:04.000 I We are complete.

01:28:05.000 You make me complete.

01:28:06.000 You make me complete, Tom Herrera.

01:28:08.000 They're just ready.

01:28:09.000 You know, Sophie and I only dated once before she moved in.

01:28:12.000 Shazam, son.

01:28:13.000 That's what I'm talking.

01:28:13.000 That's how Dom do.

01:28:14.000 No, but I mean, the thing is, it lasted nine years.

01:28:16.000 But that was a very rare situation.

01:28:19.000 She moved to China.

01:28:20.000 And the only way I was going to get her to come back was for her to move in. 0.95

01:28:24.000 How many comics do you know that have healthy relationships?

01:28:31.000 That's a good question.

01:28:32.000 Seven.

01:28:34.000 Seven?

01:28:34.000 Seven.

01:28:36.000 I think it's especially hard.

01:28:39.000 Yeah, I do.

01:28:40.000 I think it's especially hard in any sort of a creative sort of a job.

01:28:49.000 You have to have a cool chick.

01:28:51.000 Yeah.

01:28:52.000 That understands that you...

01:28:53.000 You have to have someone who lets you think.

01:28:55.000 You have to have someone who gives you space.

01:28:58.000 You know, it's not all up in your grill constantly.

01:29:01.000 But you also have someone when you talk to, they're fun to be around.

01:29:04.000 Their brain works.

01:29:05.000 Yeah, their brain works and they have a positive spin on things.

01:29:09.000 There's certain people, we all know this, like when you meet them and then you see them and you smile and then you become enhanced.

01:29:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:19.000 Like Joey Diaz, perfect example.

01:29:20.000 What's up, baby?

01:29:20.000 What are we doing here?

01:29:21.000 And you see him and we would all start smiling and we feel enhanced.

01:29:24.000 And then there's other people that come around and they drag on you.

01:29:27.000 You know, there's other people that come around and they just start complaining and whining and bitching. 0.75

01:29:31.000 And I've had both, man.

01:29:33.000 I've had both.

01:29:34.000 And the life of you, if you're someone that complains all the time, someone that takes that negative point of view all the time, your life will be hell.

01:29:41.000 It's gut-wrenching.

01:29:42.000 A friend of mine said there's two people in life.

01:29:43.000 There's fountains and drains.

01:29:45.000 Ah, that's beautiful.

01:29:46.000 Yeah, and it's true, but when those drains, they just, you know, it's like, how you doing?

01:29:51.000 Ah, I'm hanging in there.

01:29:53.000 Oh, it's brutal.

01:29:54.000 Brutal. 1.00

01:29:54.000 There's a comic that I know I love in the depth, and I won't say his name, but I spoke to him once, and I said, I'm never talking to this motherfucker again. 1.00

01:30:01.000 Do an impression of him. 0.99

01:30:02.000 I can't.

01:30:03.000 He's too obvious.

01:30:04.000 Oh, really?

01:30:05.000 No.

01:30:06.000 I'm making that up, too.

01:30:06.000 I'm just throwing people off the track now.

01:30:08.000 He was part cat.

01:30:10.000 He grew up in Afghanistan.

01:30:12.000 But, you know, I would say, hey, what's going on?

01:30:14.000 Well, I'm not so good.

01:30:15.000 I'll tell you the whole situation.

01:30:17.000 The wife, she walked out. 1.00

01:30:19.000 Okay.

01:30:19.000 She walked out on you, Mr. Joy?

01:30:21.000 13 years, I thought this was something that we had both agreed to, and apparently she hadn't agreed to that. 1.00

01:30:27.000 Oh, jeez, you motherfucker. 1.00

01:30:29.000 Listen to yourself. 1.00

01:30:30.000 I haven't seen you in years and you just hit me with just a bucket of diarrhea. 1.00

01:30:35.000 There's people that don't even think at all about the person they're talking to. 0.99

01:30:40.000 All they think about is the shit that they want to burden you because their life has taken some terrible turn for the worst. 1.00

01:30:48.000 Mostly with a lot of people because of their shit personality. 1.00

01:30:52.000 People just go... 1.00

01:30:53.000 Fucking get away from me! 1.00

01:30:54.000 Ah! 1.00

01:30:55.000 And they just run. 1.00

01:30:56.000 And then that same shitty personality is what makes you get trapped by this guy at a fucking party. 1.00

01:31:01.000 Do you know Jeremy Hatz? 1.00

01:31:03.000 The comedian from Canada.

01:31:04.000 I do not know him.

01:31:05.000 Okay. 0.99

01:31:05.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:31:07.000 Yes, I know. 0.99

01:31:08.000 Very good comedian.

01:31:08.000 Very funny.

01:31:09.000 I've only seen him in video, though.

01:31:11.000 When he's serious.

01:31:12.000 We were doing Russell Peters' special in Montreal this summer.

01:31:15.000 He was my roommate.

01:31:17.000 And he'd come in and, hi, Jeremy, how you doing?

01:31:21.000 Oh, you don't have any Tums, do you?

01:31:24.000 I got like a bad stomach.

01:31:26.000 I said, no, I don't carry Tums.

01:31:27.000 He goes, you got any beer? 1.00

01:31:29.000 I go, who the fuck goes from Tums to beer? 0.99

01:31:31.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:31:32.000 But he was always like, and he's so fucking good on stage, but he was such a, I mean, I still enjoy him, but he is such a bummer, you know? 0.90

01:31:41.000 He's a bummer? 0.94

01:31:42.000 Well, in that sense, you know, like he's talking about his sinuses one night at the lab factory.

01:31:47.000 I said, Jerry, let me tell you something.

01:31:49.000 No group of comedians is going to be concerned about your sinuses.

01:31:52.000 No matter what, unless you have your sinuses removed, it's not an interesting story. 1.00

01:31:57.000 We don't want to hear about your fucking post-nasal drip. 1.00

01:32:00.000 Yeah, I'm not into being around people that complain about stupid shit. 1.00

01:32:03.000 You just man up and deal with it. 1.00

01:32:04.000 Yeah.

01:32:05.000 So you nose bugs you.

01:32:06.000 Just deal with it.

01:32:07.000 Right. 1.00

01:32:07.000 Bitch. 1.00

01:32:09.000 Right? 1.00

01:32:09.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:32:10.000 I went through most of my life with a broken nose. 0.99

01:32:12.000 I broke my nose when I was five.

01:32:14.000 Fell down a flight of stairs. 0.92

01:32:15.000 And for most of my life, I had, like, shitty breathing out of my nose. 0.99

01:32:18.000 It was all fucked up. 0.99

01:32:19.000 DBA septum? 1.00

01:32:20.000 Yeah, it was a mess. 1.00

01:32:21.000 And then from getting punched in the face, from wrestling and kickboxing and Taekwondo, just always getting hit in the fucking face. 0.99

01:32:29.000 I don't know how many times I got hit in the face. 0.97

01:32:30.000 So the inside of the nose was just a mess.

01:32:32.000 I had like one little baby channel.

01:32:34.000 They opened it up.

01:32:36.000 They cleaned it all out.

01:32:37.000 It was one of the best things I ever did.

01:32:38.000 It's amazing that you didn't even know what you were missing.

01:32:40.000 I was mouth breathing.

01:32:42.000 I was mouth breathing for a giant chunk of my life.

01:32:44.000 And I was trying to do like hardcore athletics.

01:32:47.000 I was trying to do martial arts. 0.55

01:32:48.000 And with a broken nose, a useless nose.

01:32:52.000 That was my nose. 0.61

01:32:54.000 Literally.

01:32:55.000 But now it's like...

01:32:56.000 Now I can breathe.

01:32:58.000 When did you have the operation?

01:32:59.000 A couple years ago.

01:32:59.000 A few years ago.

01:33:00.000 It was so important to me that I made a little video.

01:33:02.000 So I knew you when you were breathing like that.

01:33:04.000 It probably got worse.

01:33:06.000 It got worse as time went on.

01:33:07.000 And I broke it again.

01:33:10.000 In like 2007, I broke it pretty bad. 0.99

01:33:13.000 It was pretty bloody and I got black eyes and shit. 0.99

01:33:16.000 From a head butt. 0.99

01:33:18.000 We collided in Jiu Jitsu class.

01:33:20.000 Jiu Jitsu is, you know, there's two things that happen to hurt you.

01:33:24.000 One, accidental collisions.

01:33:25.000 Like sometimes you'll be throwing up a knee for a triangle and you hit someone in the eye and it fucks their eye up.

01:33:29.000 That's happened to me.

01:33:30.000 I've done it accidentally.

01:33:32.000 It's just one of the things that happens.

01:33:34.000 And another thing that happens is sometimes... 1.00

01:33:36.000 People that are rolling right next to you collide in you, and you bonk heads and shit. 1.00

01:33:41.000 That's fucked up. 1.00

01:33:42.000 I've had that happen, where you get hit pretty fucking hard. 1.00

01:33:45.000 I got suckered in a bar. 0.98

01:33:47.000 I was a doorman at a bar.

01:33:49.000 Me and Randall Cobb were the doorman.

01:33:51.000 Really? 0.99

01:33:51.000 And Joe, I don't fucking know anything. 0.99

01:33:53.000 What year was this? 0.98

01:33:54.000 I don't know, 78, 77. Where?

01:33:58.000 In Philly, in a place called Doc Watson.

01:33:59.000 You and Randall Cobb.

01:34:01.000 Do you have a picture of you two together?

01:34:02.000 Nah. 1.00

01:34:03.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:34:05.000 He was the North American heavyweight karate champion at the time. 1.00

01:34:09.000 Yeah, that's what a lot of people don't know.

01:34:10.000 He was a kickboxer.

01:34:11.000 Oh, he could kick over your head, man.

01:34:13.000 Yeah. 0.88

01:34:14.000 The first thing he showed me was his nose.

01:34:16.000 He had no cartilage in his nose.

01:34:17.000 Yeah, it was a mess.

01:34:19.000 Anyway, I got suckered by this guy and broke my nose.

01:34:23.000 And the worst thing was, it wasn't the pain.

01:34:25.000 It was the sound of them putting it back in place.

01:34:28.000 Ah, yeah.

01:34:30.000 You know, like with the pliers they take.

01:34:33.000 Well, when I got my nose fixed, the boogers that came out were so horrendous that I saved them and I took pictures of them.

01:34:40.000 You want to look at it?

01:34:41.000 Would you look at it?

01:34:42.000 I want you to see.

01:34:43.000 I want you to see.

01:34:44.000 Asteroids.

01:34:44.000 I'm just going to show it to you because you're not even going to believe it.

01:34:46.000 What is this?

01:34:46.000 This is when he had to clean it out.

01:34:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:34:48.000 This is right after.

01:34:50.000 This is, I would have to blow snot out.

01:34:52.000 And I would use a water pick and throw it through my nose to clean my nose out.

01:34:57.000 It's pretty deep.

01:34:58.000 It's pretty intense.

01:34:59.000 Oh! 0.60

01:35:02.000 Oh, jeez.

01:35:05.000 Oh, jeez.

01:35:13.000 Is that like a saline solution? 1.00

01:35:14.000 Wait, you ain't seen shit, son. 0.99

01:35:16.000 Wait till you see these boogers I'm going to pull out. 1.00

01:35:20.000 If you email me, I can show the audience. 0.98

01:35:22.000 Okay, let me find the really good ones because they're so ridiculous. 0.86

01:35:26.000 Okay, here we go. 0.85

01:35:27.000 But, you know, what was happening was that my body was, you know, making these clots.

01:35:33.000 Oh, jeez.

01:35:34.000 You're throwing up from your nose.

01:35:36.000 Yeah.

01:35:38.000 I've got to find them.

01:35:39.000 I don't know where they are, though, unfortunately.

01:35:40.000 They're probably deep in this iPhoto.

01:35:43.000 Well, give us a good excuse to get together again.

01:35:46.000 I need to.

01:35:46.000 Oh, here's a picture of it.

01:35:47.000 Here's a still from it.

01:35:48.000 You got one of my boogers?

01:35:49.000 Yeah, hold on.

01:35:50.000 Let me, uh... 0.95

01:35:50.000 They were so ridiculous, I think I put them on Twitter. 0.95

01:35:52.000 Did I put them on Twitter? 0.97

01:35:55.000 It's at the beginning of this video.

01:35:57.000 I definitely put him...

01:35:59.000 See, there it is.

01:36:00.000 That thing in the middle.

01:36:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:01.000 That's the clot.

01:36:02.000 That's actually the clot the doctor pulled out of my nose. 0.99

01:36:05.000 There's some shit I showed. 0.99

01:36:06.000 I showed Tommy Segura at the airport, and he almost threw up. 1.00

01:36:11.000 I got him real close to throwing up.

01:36:14.000 He had to turn away.

01:36:15.000 He had to hold his mouth.

01:36:16.000 It was pretty badass.

01:36:18.000 I think I'm closing in on it here, Dom.

01:36:20.000 I think that was the first time I met Tom Segura.

01:36:22.000 It was that weekend right after he had that operation. 0.99

01:36:24.000 There's certain shit that, you know, if you can get it fixed, man, if you have a deviated septum and you get it fixed, your life will change. 0.99

01:36:32.000 You will have an easier life. 0.99

01:36:35.000 Like, it's hard. 1.00

01:36:36.000 When you only can breathe out of your fucking mouth, that sucks. 1.00

01:36:39.000 You can get sleep apnea. 1.00

01:36:40.000 Oh, beautiful.

01:36:41.000 I just found it.

01:36:42.000 Is it 100% though?

01:36:43.000 I mean, could you go back right now and have them fix it?

01:36:45.000 Look at the size of that. 0.99

01:36:49.000 Look at the size of that goddamn thing. 0.99

01:36:51.000 Looks like a date. 1.00

01:36:51.000 Looks like a jewel. 1.00

01:36:53.000 Email it to me.

01:36:55.000 That's disturbing.

01:36:57.000 So do you think you could go back and they could actually fix it up even more?

01:37:00.000 No, no, it's clean now.

01:37:02.000 Yeah, it's awesome now.

01:37:03.000 100%.

01:37:03.000 Yeah, now it's 100%.

01:37:04.000 But there's different colors in it.

01:37:07.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

01:37:08.000 It shouldn't even be real.

01:37:08.000 There's something beautiful about it.

01:37:10.000 Yeah, it's disgusting.

01:37:13.000 And yet hot.

01:37:14.000 You can reduce the message.

01:37:16.000 I don't want to reduce it. 1.00

01:37:17.000 Actual size, bitch. 1.00

01:37:18.000 Actual size, that shit. 1.00

01:37:19.000 Why are you trying to save gigabytes? 1.00

01:37:21.000 Why are you trying to be like that, motherfucker? 1.00

01:37:23.000 I sent the photo of the booger. 1.00

01:37:25.000 Not even the best photo of it. 0.94

01:37:27.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.78

01:37:29.000 It doesn't even look real. 0.99

01:37:30.000 It doesn't look like it could come out of your nose.

01:37:32.000 And it came out in one giant, really super satisfying hunk.

01:37:36.000 There we go.

01:37:37.000 Look at that.

01:37:38.000 There's another photo of it.

01:37:39.000 That's a close-up.

01:37:40.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

01:37:42.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:37:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:44.000 It looks like crystal or something. 1.00

01:37:45.000 That came out of my nose in one hunk. 0.66

01:37:47.000 Gross.

01:37:48.000 But I'll tell you what, man. 1.00

01:37:49.000 For me, that shit was sweet relief. 1.00

01:37:51.000 For me, I know you're looking at it and you go, Joe, I don't want to see your snot. 1.00

01:37:54.000 Then why are you looking, bitch? 1.00

01:37:55.000 We told you what we were going to do. 0.99

01:37:56.000 Listen, I'm feeling bad that I'm showing these people this and that they're going to get sick, Brian. 1.00

01:38:01.000 Let's kill it. 1.00

01:38:01.000 Kill it. 1.00

01:38:02.000 I think we made our point. 0.99

01:38:04.000 But for me, man, that represents freedom.

01:38:07.000 That's my shackles.

01:38:08.000 You're quite the host.

01:38:09.000 I feel fantastic.

01:38:11.000 I breathe out of my nose.

01:38:12.000 You look good.

01:38:13.000 You look good as well.

01:38:14.000 Thanks, Joe.

01:38:15.000 I feel good.

01:38:16.000 I'm doing a lot of stretching now.

01:38:18.000 Are you updating your Twitter?

01:38:19.000 Have you been getting on Twitter?

01:38:20.000 Let me see.

01:38:21.000 When was the last time you got on Twitter?

01:38:22.000 What's my Twitter?

01:38:24.000 It's Dom Irary, you fella.

01:38:25.000 Don Marrera?

01:38:26.000 That's it?

01:38:27.000 Yeah.

01:38:28.000 It's not at Don Marrera?

01:38:29.000 It says at Don Marrera, yeah.

01:38:31.000 Oh, at Don Marrera.

01:38:31.000 Everything's at something.

01:38:32.000 Oh, okay.

01:38:33.000 We were just saying the other day about how, remember when people used to use the at as if it's them and the third person is going to the movies right now?

01:38:42.000 Right.

01:38:42.000 People tried that for a while, right?

01:38:44.000 Remember?

01:38:44.000 Yeah.

01:38:44.000 It got too pretentious, though.

01:38:46.000 Do you tweet a lot?

01:38:47.000 Yeah, I tweet all the time.

01:38:48.000 You know what's the best thing about Twitter?

01:38:49.000 I gotta get into a habit of it.

01:38:51.000 It's fun, really.

01:38:52.000 It's really fun.

01:38:53.000 If you're interested, Dom Herrera, the two R's are in the first position. 0.98

01:38:58.000 It's D-O-M-I-R-R-E-R-A. I, even myself, have fucked up upon occasion and made it I-R-E-R-R-A, like Carrera. 0.97

01:39:09.000 Right, I have a friend, I worked a club, and they misspelled it. 0.76

01:39:14.000 I don't even know if that's how a career is.

01:39:16.000 They misspelled it at the club you worked at?

01:39:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:18.000 Some motherfuckers? 1.00

01:39:20.000 Captain Brian's, Off the Hook. 1.00

01:39:22.000 Jesus Christ, where's that place?

01:39:23.000 Off the Hook, Marco Island.

01:39:24.000 It's dead to me!

01:39:27.000 No, it's a great place, actually.

01:39:28.000 Wow.

01:39:29.000 Is it?

01:39:29.000 Marco Island?

01:39:30.000 Oh, fuck, beautiful. 1.00

01:39:31.000 Florida's fucking crazy, isn't it? 1.00

01:39:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:33.000 Florida's crazy on a totally different level.

01:39:35.000 That's not the rest of the country.

01:39:36.000 Florida is...

01:39:37.000 I love it, and I love that improv in Hollywood.

01:39:39.000 Hollywood, Florida.

01:39:40.000 Oh, yeah.

01:39:40.000 That's a great place.

01:39:41.000 Yeah.

01:39:41.000 The Indian Casino?

01:39:43.000 Yeah.

01:39:43.000 Hard Rock?

01:39:43.000 You know what they're telling me, Joe?

01:39:44.000 Wow.

01:39:45.000 Make sure you don't say anything about the Seminoles, anything bad.

01:39:47.000 I go, like, I got 15 minutes on the Seminole Indians.

01:39:50.000 They actually said that to you?

01:39:51.000 Yeah.

01:39:51.000 Wow.

01:39:51.000 So, of course, I went up and said nothing but good things about them.

01:39:54.000 You know, just because somebody's going to tell me what to say.

01:39:56.000 I go, I got to say something.

01:39:58.000 Of all the tribes, the Seminole are my favorite.

01:40:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:01.000 I'm not a big fan of the Apache, the Arapahoe, go fuck them. 1.00

01:40:05.000 I love the Seminole people. 1.00

01:40:06.000 So what could they say?

01:40:07.000 The Seminoles sponsor a bunch of professional pool matches.

01:40:11.000 Oh, do they?

01:40:12.000 Yeah, they used to have a whole tour.

01:40:13.000 The Seminole Indians used to... 0.99

01:40:16.000 Seminole tribe, rather, used to be...

01:40:18.000 I don't know if you're allowed to call...

01:40:19.000 Are you supposed to call them Indians?

01:40:20.000 Why would you call them Indians?

01:40:21.000 Native Americans.

01:40:22.000 Yeah, it's natives.

01:40:23.000 Or collards. 0.98

01:40:25.000 The idea that we called them Indians deep into the 20th century is really pretty fucking crazy. 0.99

01:40:29.000 Where did Indian come from? 0.97

01:40:31.000 Columbus.

01:40:32.000 Oh, he thought he was going to India.

01:40:33.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

01:40:33.000 These fucking assholes. 1.00

01:40:34.000 They just would get in the ocean. 1.00

01:40:36.000 Oh, we're in India.

01:40:37.000 That's funny.

01:40:39.000 They saw these little brown people.

01:40:40.000 These are Indians!

01:40:41.000 Like, they had no idea they were in the Bahamas.

01:40:43.000 Like, the whole thing is preposterous.

01:40:46.000 It's really funny when you stop and think about that they still celebrate Columbus Day.

01:40:50.000 First of all, Columbus never even came here.

01:40:52.000 Watch it. 0.99

01:40:52.000 You know, and second of all, have you ever read some of the shit that Columbus did? 0.99

01:40:56.000 Lee Ferguson, right? 0.99

01:40:57.000 Was it Lee Ferguson?

01:40:58.000 No, he was the Viking.

01:40:59.000 No, but he was the first one here.

01:41:01.000 Wasn't he here?

01:41:01.000 Well, no, not even.

01:41:02.000 Eric the Red?

01:41:03.000 No, they've actually found, the really crazy thing is the oldest body that they've found in North America was Chinese. 1.00

01:41:09.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

01:41:11.000 The Chinese were everywhere. 1.00

01:41:13.000 Well, they don't know.

01:41:15.000 They're still trying to figure out when people got in ships and traveled all over the world. 0.93

01:41:20.000 By the way, we are going to do a podcast with John Anthony West speaking of this because this is a fucking fascinating topic. 0.75

01:41:25.000 I've been exchanging email.

01:41:27.000 I owe him an email, but he wants to do it.

01:41:28.000 We're probably going to have to do it on Skype.

01:41:29.000 It may be the first time we ever do one on Skype.

01:41:32.000 But it's worth doing it for this guy.

01:41:33.000 John Anthony West, if you don't know, is the guy who's like the main Egyptologist who's out there trying to predate the Egyptian empire.

01:41:40.000 And he says that it's like there's many empires.

01:41:42.000 It's not just like one.

01:41:44.000 And he goes back thousands and thousands of years earlier.

01:41:46.000 And he has geologists on his side. 0.85

01:41:48.000 It's really interesting because all these different academics are fighting it tooth and nail because it makes everything they've been teaching everybody in school bullshit. 0.94

01:41:56.000 Yeah, right.

01:41:56.000 Because it's off by thousands of years.

01:41:58.000 They've dated the enclosure of the Sphinx.

01:42:01.000 There's these huge fissure marks that are in the walls of these stones.

01:42:07.000 And what they come from, every geologist agrees on this, is thousands of years of rainfall.

01:42:12.000 These are clearly like the way water erodes things.

01:42:15.000 Do you think the aliens built the pyramids?

01:42:17.000 No, no.

01:42:18.000 I think the Egyptian civilization was most likely as advanced, if not more advanced, than we are today, but in a different direction.

01:42:28.000 They became advanced with a language like hieroglyphics, with incredible mathematics that were allowing them to make these geometric structures. 0.98

01:42:36.000 However the fuck they figured out how to do it. 0.96

01:42:38.000 There's a lot of speculation. 0.99

01:42:39.000 But to pretend that the Great Pyramid of Giza is not an astronomically incredibly amazing fucking accomplishment is great. 0.99

01:42:49.000 It's ridiculous. 0.97

01:42:49.000 It's one of the greatest accomplishments of human engineering of all time. 0.97

01:42:53.000 And no one even knows when it was made. 0.59

01:42:54.000 The guess is 2500 BC and it's based on like carbon samples and shit they found at the area.

01:43:01.000 But they're not completely sure about that.

01:43:03.000 There's a lot of weird speculation.

01:43:05.000 And the Sphinx?

01:43:06.000 The Sphinx with all the deep water erosion around the enclosure?

01:43:10.000 What they're saying is that if that was thousands of years of rainfall, then the last time there was heavy rainfall in the Nile Valley was something crazy like 9000 B.C. So instead of being 2500 BC like they thought it was, it was like thousands of years older still than we are to them.

01:43:27.000 It's raining again.

01:43:28.000 Crazy.

01:43:29.000 Well, there used to be a jungle.

01:43:31.000 It used to be a rainforest.

01:43:32.000 The Nile Valley used to be like a rainforest.

01:43:34.000 It was raining constantly.

01:43:35.000 And then slowly it became a desert.

01:43:37.000 And the last time there was like heavy rainfall, it was like 9000 BC. It's fucking nuts. 0.99

01:43:42.000 And this area, this cutout area, shows thousands of years of rainfall. 0.99

01:43:48.000 And the Egyptologists don't want to address it.

01:43:50.000 They look at it and it's freaking them out.

01:43:51.000 Because it's pretty obvious.

01:43:52.000 And there's no getting around it.

01:43:54.000 If it is rainfall, the whole thing's got to be thrown out.

01:43:57.000 And it's the only physical thing they have to show that there was something that existed that long ago.

01:44:03.000 And that's why they resist it.

01:44:04.000 Like the scholars are like, you know, where's the evidence of this civilization that would have existed 10,000 plus years ago?

01:44:10.000 There is no evidence.

01:44:12.000 And what they're saying is, or guys like this John Anthony West is saying, is there wouldn't really be much.

01:44:18.000 There's like this stuff.

01:44:19.000 There's like, I mean, 10,000 years is an insane amount of time.

01:44:22.000 10,000 B.C.? Think about how long ago 12,000 fucking years is. 0.99

01:44:28.000 Think of how crazy that is. 0.98

01:44:30.000 Well, Christ was only 2,000-something.

01:44:32.000 Yeah.

01:44:33.000 Well, supposedly.

01:44:34.000 Do you think Christ was real?

01:44:35.000 Do you think Christ was a real guy?

01:44:36.000 Yeah.

01:44:37.000 You think so, for sure?

01:44:38.000 Well, I don't know why they would make it up.

01:44:41.000 I'm not saying he's God or anything.

01:44:42.000 What about Santa Claus?

01:44:44.000 Santa Claus, for sure.

01:44:45.000 100%.

01:44:46.000 And you know what's amazing about him?

01:44:48.000 No matter how many people there are, he takes care of everybody.

01:44:50.000 If you're good, you leave a cookie out.

01:44:54.000 You know what's funny about that?

01:44:55.000 We're talking about these phrases come down in history.

01:44:59.000 I was staying at a hotel in Rochester, and for some reason they didn't register my name. 0.98

01:45:04.000 And so this friend of mine finally gets through, and she goes, what are you, fucking King Tut? 0.97

01:45:09.000 And I'm thinking, isn't that interesting that King Tut came down? 0.99

01:45:12.000 You're talking about Egypt.

01:45:13.000 Like this kid who died thousands of years ago, he's still a reference for like a wise-ass remark.

01:45:21.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:45:22.000 Yeah, it is pretty ridiculous. 1.00

01:45:24.000 You king-fucking-tut in common? 1.00

01:45:27.000 You know, he had a lopsided head. 1.00

01:45:29.000 Yeah, he had a crazy, fucked-up, elongated head. 1.00

01:45:32.000 Who knows that but you? 1.00

01:45:34.000 Well, you ever seen images of him?

01:45:36.000 What are found of esoteric knowledge?

01:45:38.000 Him and his family, there were some weird physical characteristics to his family that a lot of the crazy conspiracy theorists guys really latch onto because it's like, look at his head, he's clearly an alien!

01:45:48.000 You know, because he had like kind of a weird shaped head, you know?

01:45:52.000 No normal person has a head like that. 1.00

01:45:54.000 What a bad motherfucker he is, though, that we're talking about him still. 1.00

01:45:57.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:45:58.000 Yeah.

01:46:00.000 How old was he when he died?

01:46:01.000 He was a kid, right?

01:46:02.000 He was a kid, yeah.

01:46:02.000 And I think he was murdered, wasn't he?

01:46:05.000 Wasn't he murdered?

01:46:06.000 I don't know.

01:46:06.000 He went into a bad neighborhood in Cairo.

01:46:08.000 They probably killed people all day back then.

01:46:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:46:11.000 The idea that John Anthony West is promoting is that the idea of a lot of these...

01:46:17.000 There's a lot of guys that are getting on this notion, this possibility of ancient civilizations that were wiped out by disasters. 0.86

01:46:25.000 Once we see shit like the tsunami and we see things like what Hurricane Katrina can do... 0.85

01:46:30.000 And we go, well, these aren't even like the biggest storms or the biggest events in history. 0.99

01:46:34.000 What the fuck must have been like with something like this times 10 hit 10,000 years ago? 0.92

01:46:39.000 It might wipe out most of us, you know? 0.98

01:46:42.000 And they think that that has probably happened several times to people.

01:46:46.000 And that civilization would reach a great height and then something would happen.

01:46:50.000 And by the way, this coincides with two things.

01:46:52.000 One, the end of the Ice Age, which happened fairly abruptly, which might have been caused by some sort of an event.

01:46:58.000 Like an asteroid?

01:46:59.000 Like an asteroid.

01:47:00.000 And evidence of asteroid impact somewhere around that long ago.

01:47:04.000 I think 10,500 plus years ago is the estimation of when this asteroid hit.

01:47:09.000 They're not completely exact on the date, I think, but they're all similar.

01:47:14.000 And so there's evidence also that we've been pelted numerous times with asteroids.

01:47:20.000 Like once they started taking satellite photos.

01:47:22.000 I would think they would hit us all the time with all the randomness of space.

01:47:25.000 Well, they get chewed up by our atmosphere for the most part, but some of them don't, man.

01:47:30.000 The really big ones don't.

01:47:31.000 And there's been several extinction events in the lifetime of the Earth, more than three, and at least two of them that involve giant impacts. 0.94

01:47:41.000 Two of them are just big fucking volcano-sized explosion asteroids of five miles wide slamming into the earth and lava shoots up into the fucking sky and blankets have to... 0.91

01:47:53.000 That causes an ice age. 0.99

01:47:55.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:47:55.000 I was reading a Fred Flintstone book about a lot of that stuff.

01:48:00.000 Fucking imagine. 0.98

01:48:01.000 Fred Flintstone wrote books? 0.99

01:48:03.000 Okay.

01:48:04.000 Could you imagine what it must have been like living back, you know...

01:48:08.000 In the bedrock years? 0.99

01:48:09.000 In the caveman years when there was just grunt and shit. 0.99

01:48:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:48:15.000 No TV. Just trying to follow around the herd of buffalo that know you're trying to kill them.

01:48:20.000 So they always want to move by night.

01:48:21.000 So you got to get up in the middle of the night.

01:48:23.000 The buffalo are moving.

01:48:24.000 We got to follow them.

01:48:25.000 Follow after them. 0.99

01:48:26.000 Your baby gets killed by tigers. 1.00

01:48:29.000 Jaguars jack your whole fucking family. 1.00

01:48:32.000 Pulling women by the hair sounds pretty cool. 1.00

01:48:33.000 Do you think they did that?

01:48:34.000 They clubbed them over the head, dragging them? 0.77

01:48:36.000 Isn't it funny that that image of the caveman is like the predominant image?

01:48:39.000 Caveman clubbing the chick over the head, dragging her by her hair. 0.90

01:48:43.000 That's the predominant image of what is a caveman doing. 0.90

01:48:45.000 First of all, he's always got to club.

01:48:47.000 Right?

01:48:47.000 Caveman's always had clubs.

01:48:48.000 Yeah.

01:48:49.000 And they always had a bear skin.

01:48:51.000 Some sort of animal skin.

01:48:52.000 That was like a Saturday night date.

01:48:53.000 She was waiting for him. 1.00

01:48:54.000 Where the fuck is Harry? 0.99

01:48:55.000 Why is it? 1.00

01:48:55.000 But who invented the clubber over the head and drag her by her hair? 1.00

01:48:58.000 You know?

01:48:59.000 I don't know.

01:49:01.000 Maybe it was King Tut.

01:49:02.000 But it's an amazing...

01:49:04.000 I mean, isn't it like that's the symbol we all see?

01:49:08.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:49:08.000 How the fuck did that happen? 0.99

01:49:10.000 Club her over the head and drag her by the hair. 1.00

01:49:11.000 How many times have you heard that expression when it comes to cavemen?

01:49:15.000 It's super common.

01:49:16.000 Like, what, is it a caveman?

01:49:17.000 Who thinks every girl you meet is going to club her over the head and drag her by her hair? 1.00

01:49:20.000 Is that so common?

01:49:21.000 Did, like, Looney Tunes invent that, maybe?

01:49:23.000 I wonder.

01:49:24.000 I wonder who came up with it.

01:49:25.000 But it stuck, culturally.

01:49:27.000 Like, all throughout my life, I remember that.

01:49:29.000 The images of...

01:49:31.000 Clubbing a girl over the head, dragging her by her hand.

01:49:33.000 I never knew that there weren't cavemen and dinosaurs together, because we always put them together.

01:49:37.000 Well, if you hung out with Sarah Palin, you would know that that's not factually correct.

01:49:41.000 As a matter of fact, there was a schoolteacher from Alaska that says that Sarah Palin said that the Earth is less than 10,000 years old, and that dinosaurs and men did live together, but mainstream science is trying to keep that from you, and that there's images on the Internet of dinosaurs with a human footprint inside of it.

01:50:00.000 Dinosaur footprint?

01:50:03.000 I wonder if it's true. 0.99

01:50:04.000 It could be just some hater bitch from Alaska, you know, who's the local librarian. 1.00

01:50:08.000 Maybe she's a cunt, you know, and maybe Sarah Palin blew her husband or something, you know? 1.00

01:50:13.000 Not that she would do that. 1.00

01:50:14.000 Would you do Sarah Palin? 1.00

01:50:16.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:50:17.000 It depends on where I was. 1.00

01:50:18.000 Where I was in my life. 0.98

01:50:19.000 In the butt? 0.98

01:50:19.000 No. 0.98

01:50:22.000 Where I was.

01:50:22.000 You see, he lays back.

01:50:23.000 Maybe it takes him two hours.

01:50:25.000 The kid gets warmed up.

01:50:26.000 He gets crazy.

01:50:28.000 He lets loose.

01:50:30.000 Shenanigans ensue.

01:50:32.000 I'm doing Adam Carolla's podcast later if you can't get enough of me.

01:50:37.000 Tune in on that.

01:50:38.000 Did you get that email that said who's coming here next Wednesday?

01:50:42.000 Yeah, Bobcat Goldwyn. 1.00

01:50:43.000 Fuck, yeah. 1.00

01:50:45.000 Well, don't do that in front of him, you fuck. 1.00

01:50:47.000 And he wants to forget those days. 1.00

01:50:49.000 And apparently he has an awesome movie.

01:50:50.000 Do you know about this movie?

01:50:53.000 Anthony was talking all about it on Opie.

01:50:56.000 And Anthony, the name is called God Bless America.

01:50:58.000 You want to see a trailer?

01:50:59.000 I got a trailer.

01:50:59.000 Yes.

01:51:01.000 I do want to see it. 1.00

01:51:02.000 Pull that shit up. 0.99

01:51:03.000 Bobcat's one of those guys that's so mild-mannered before he goes on stage. 1.00

01:51:07.000 And then goes on stage and goes crazy?

01:51:09.000 Yeah.

01:51:09.000 I never knew him as a comic.

01:51:11.000 The first time I ever met him, he was directing The Chappelle Show.

01:51:14.000 And I was with Dave.

01:51:16.000 We were in New York City.

01:51:17.000 And Dave was just walking down the street with a fake mustache on. 0.96

01:51:21.000 And he was giving out awards for the best New York boobs. 0.96

01:51:25.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:51:25.000 Yeah, it was ridiculous. 0.99

01:51:26.000 This was in the show? 0.91

01:51:27.000 Yeah, that was the first time I ever met Bobcat.

01:51:29.000 I ran into him on the street.

01:51:30.000 I'm like, what are you doing, Dave?

01:51:31.000 He goes, hey, Joe Rogan, you want to help me out?

01:51:33.000 I go, I only got like a half an hour.

01:51:35.000 Oh, that's cool. 0.97

01:51:36.000 So for a half an hour, I carried his box of New York boob ribbons, and he would go in, you got some great New York boobs.

01:51:43.000 We would give people like ribbons, and Bobcat was like directing the whole thing.

01:51:48.000 So that's the first time I met him.

01:51:49.000 Very nice guy, though.

01:51:50.000 I always liked him as a comic.

01:51:52.000 Here's the trailer, which is a Red Band trailer.

01:51:55.000 B-A-N-D? The most hilarious ringtone ever!

01:51:59.000 Just text P-I-G... God, it's bad!

01:52:02.000 God, it's bad!

01:52:04.000 We have a press that just gives them a free pass! 0.99

01:52:07.000 The boys were caught after setting the homeless man on fire. 1.00

01:52:10.000 Did you mother f***ing poop in my food? 1.00

01:52:13.000 What? 1.00

01:52:13.000 You bitch! 1.00

01:52:15.000 A tumor this size is very dangerous. 1.00

01:52:24.000 Do you have any family?

01:52:27.000 Oh, gotta take this.

01:52:32.000 My name is Chloe, I live in Virginia Beach, and everyone loves me because I'm so pretty.

01:52:37.000 I wanted an Escalade!

01:52:38.000 This is the biggest day of my life and you're up, daddy!

01:52:42.000 Hey Creepy, isn't the schoolgirl thing a little played out?

01:52:45.000 Don't move and don't make a sound.

01:52:47.000 If you want the car, just take it.

01:52:48.000 My parents got me the wrong one anyways. 0.99

01:52:50.000 Yeah, that's a fucking tragedy. 1.00

01:52:52.000 Did you just kill Chloe? 1.00

01:52:55.000 Awesome.

01:52:57.000 And that was a fantastic start. 0.99

01:52:59.000 But you know who else really riffs my cock off? 1.00

01:53:01.000 The Kardashians. 0.99

01:53:02.000 People who use rockstar as an adjective. 0.99

01:53:04.000 Women who call their tits the girls. 1.00

01:53:05.000 Anyone who wears crystals. 1.00

01:53:09.000 You're aiming at the bear, right?

01:53:10.000 This is the best day ever!

01:53:17.000 Frank, don't.

01:53:18.000 Let me.

01:53:21.000 I'm recording this.

01:53:24.000 Thanks for turning off your cell phone.

01:53:27.000 You're welcome.

01:53:29.000 Why have a civilization if we no longer are interested in being civilized?

01:53:35.000 That's awesome.

01:53:36.000 Hey buddy, what's wrong? 0.96

01:53:39.000 A lot of crazy people out there. 1.00

01:53:43.000 I only want to kill people who deserve to die. 1.00

01:53:46.000 We gonna do this or what? 1.00

01:53:48.000 I know it's not normal to want to kill, but I am no longer normal.

01:53:58.000 Whoa.

01:53:58.000 You really gotta take both those spots?

01:54:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:01.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:54:02.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:54:03.000 Sounds like an amazing movie. 1.00

01:54:06.000 Whoa.

01:54:07.000 That's awesome.

01:54:10.000 That's a scary movie.

01:54:11.000 That's really cool.

01:54:13.000 Looks very Pulp Fiction-y kind of again. 0.90

01:54:15.000 Like, you know, just badass, you know, kill, kill, kill kind of movie.

01:54:19.000 It looks pretty sweet. 0.98

01:54:19.000 Yeah, it's obviously got an anti-douchebag slant. 0.98

01:54:22.000 Yeah.

01:54:23.000 Which is always nice.

01:54:25.000 That's really cool because he's a great director.

01:54:27.000 Didn't he do Windy City Heat?

01:54:29.000 No. 0.75

01:54:30.000 Well, I don't know if he did that, but he did that clown movie. 1.00

01:54:33.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:54:33.000 Shakes the Clown. 1.00

01:54:34.000 Shakes the Clown, which is great.

01:54:35.000 I saw that in the movie theater.

01:54:36.000 Windy City Heat.

01:54:37.000 Yeah, was that the one where they faked the guy?

01:54:40.000 Don Barrera, or Don Barris, isn't it?

01:54:42.000 It's Don Barris and Jimmy Kimmel.

01:54:44.000 Jimmy Kimmel is one of the producers.

01:54:46.000 That's really funny.

01:54:47.000 There's tons of people in that movie.

01:54:49.000 I can't watch that movie.

01:54:50.000 I've met that dude.

01:54:51.000 It's too tragic. 0.81

01:54:53.000 You meet someone who's crazy, who thinks they're actually famous.

01:54:56.000 Yeah, we're actually having a...

01:54:57.000 And he got an attitude.

01:54:58.000 That's what cracked me up about it.

01:54:59.000 That's hilarious.

01:55:00.000 He got an attitude once he made it?

01:55:01.000 Yeah.

01:55:01.000 Once he fake made it, yeah.

01:55:04.000 For people who don't know what we're talking about, Dom, explain the whole situation because it's really pretty fascinating for people who don't know the story behind it.

01:55:10.000 The best I remember is they fabricated this guy becoming a celebrity, gradually becoming a star, and he had a movie, and the whole thing was a mock.

01:55:21.000 On him.

01:55:23.000 And how else would I explain it, Joe?

01:55:24.000 He thinks it's real.

01:55:25.000 This guy named Perry thinks it's real. 0.93

01:55:27.000 He's kind of crazy and he thinks that he's... 0.57

01:55:30.000 He gets a star attitude. 0.78

01:55:32.000 Well, it's a weird thing because people are paying attention to him and he isn't a movie.

01:55:37.000 Right.

01:55:37.000 It's like, what is that?

01:55:39.000 Yeah, so that's, yeah.

01:55:40.000 So he's so crazy and so not, he's tuned into a dimension that's like right next door to ours.

01:55:46.000 You ever met people that are like that?

01:55:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:55:48.000 They're not quite seeing things the way everybody else around us is seeing.

01:55:51.000 Right.

01:55:51.000 You know, and you've got to wonder, what does the world look like to them?

01:55:54.000 You know, how many times have you met a comic?

01:55:56.000 Okay, perfect example.

01:55:57.000 Oh, I know what you're going to say. 1.00

01:55:58.000 The open mic guys, they come off stage and they fucking ate dick and they hear phantom laughs. 1.00

01:56:02.000 They'll come off and go, I think that went pretty good. 1.00

01:56:04.000 Yeah.

01:56:05.000 Pretty good set. 0.86

01:56:05.000 I killed. 0.86

01:56:06.000 Yeah.

01:56:06.000 Oh, I've asked people.

01:56:07.000 You know, I've asked them.

01:56:09.000 Watching them just do silence.

01:56:11.000 Having silent performances.

01:56:14.000 Actually, Bobcat Goldwaite definitely directed Windy City Heat here on Amazon.

01:56:19.000 Oh, he directed that as well?

01:56:21.000 Yeah.

01:56:21.000 And we're having this Friday because we're not having an Ice House show Friday.

01:56:25.000 We're having it Wednesday this week.

01:56:26.000 We're having the whole Ding Dong show, having a special podcast here so you can meet them.

01:56:30.000 And then they're going to talk about their podcast, which is the Big Three Podcast Network.

01:56:36.000 So we're going to have Don in the studio.

01:56:38.000 The Big Three Podcast Network?

01:56:40.000 What is it?

01:56:40.000 The Big Three is Don Barris' podcast with all the characters from this movie, Scary Perry.

01:56:46.000 You gonna bring that guy here?

01:56:47.000 Yeah.

01:56:48.000 When is this?

01:56:49.000 Friday at 10 o'clock.

01:56:51.000 Wow.

01:56:51.000 You gonna deal with that guy?

01:56:53.000 Oh, I hang out with all those people all the time.

01:56:55.000 Do you want that Perry guy, like here, hanging out?

01:56:57.000 Oh, he's a normal.

01:56:57.000 He's fine.

01:56:58.000 He's just crazy. 0.96

01:56:59.000 Really? 0.95

01:56:59.000 But he's not gonna do anything bad or anything like that. 0.95

01:57:02.000 Plus, I just upped the insurance, and so it'd be fine.

01:57:04.000 No, he's not gonna buy.

01:57:05.000 No, he's not gonna buy.

01:57:06.000 No, he's not gonna be that, but it's gonna be a descent into madness.

01:57:09.000 If you haven't listened to our podcast, it's the most amazing soap opera of a podcast.

01:57:14.000 It's great.

01:57:14.000 It's very addicting.

01:57:15.000 When did this podcast get started?

01:57:17.000 It was for a while.

01:57:19.000 It used to be on Adam Carolla's network and stuff like that.

01:57:21.000 And now Don has a whole studio in his house.

01:57:24.000 Pretty much has a studio like this inside his house.

01:57:27.000 And it's great.

01:57:28.000 Neil leads.

01:57:29.000 You can't be beat.

01:57:30.000 The mattress guy that owns that mattress store right here.

01:57:34.000 A couple mattresses stores.

01:57:36.000 Big celebrity in LA. He's now one of the new sponsors.

01:57:39.000 And he's now, every Ding Dong show, he comes to the Ding Dong show and he's just crazy.

01:57:44.000 Really? 0.86

01:57:44.000 It is insane. 0.86

01:57:46.000 That dude's nuts. 0.98

01:57:47.000 But it's hilarious, man. 1.00

01:57:49.000 I get uncomfortable talking to crazy people. 0.51

01:57:52.000 You don't. 0.54

01:57:53.000 Well, you can have that guy in the studio.

01:57:55.000 I would be freaking out.

01:57:56.000 I'd be like, I can't, this is not, I can't have a conversation while there's someone here that's not having the same conversation.

01:58:01.000 Right.

01:58:01.000 Someone here is in another room looking at the whole thing through plexiglass.

01:58:05.000 Right.

01:58:05.000 I can deal with those people in spurts.

01:58:07.000 Like, I'm not going to have the person over to my house, or I'm not going to, like, fucking start hanging out. 0.98

01:58:10.000 But you know those people, they almost have, like, a consciousness condom on. 0.99

01:58:14.000 Right.

01:58:14.000 Like, they're not feeling everything that's happening.

01:58:16.000 It's not.

01:58:17.000 They're in a different reality.

01:58:18.000 Yeah.

01:58:18.000 Remember that guy, Joe, late at night on the comedy?

01:58:21.000 He's still there.

01:58:22.000 I talked to him the other day.

01:58:24.000 He ran away.

01:58:25.000 He always liked me.

01:58:27.000 Me and him always used to get along.

01:58:28.000 He was a nice guy.

01:58:30.000 Don Behrens would always be mean to that dude.

01:58:32.000 I'm like, he's not a bad guy, man.

01:58:34.000 He's just kind of crazy, but he's pleasant to be around.

01:58:38.000 He's a nice guy. 0.94

01:58:39.000 He's not being mean to anybody.

01:58:41.000 He would walk from downtown.

01:58:42.000 He still does.

01:58:43.000 High as a kite.

01:58:45.000 Is he high?

01:58:45.000 No, not high, but I don't know.

01:58:48.000 I smoked weed with that dude.

01:58:49.000 Have you ever seen his web show that he did with Mary Jane and Don produced it?

01:58:57.000 It's a show for him.

01:58:58.000 It's kind of like this, but a podcast.

01:59:00.000 I'll show you a clip of it.

01:59:01.000 It'll blow your mind.

01:59:01.000 How long ago did they start doing this?

01:59:03.000 Like two years ago.

01:59:03.000 They did like...

01:59:04.000 Don Barris?

01:59:04.000 Don Barris helped film it.

01:59:07.000 But I thought him and Don Barris hated each other.

01:59:09.000 Oh, you know they all love each other.

01:59:11.000 Don takes care of so many people there.

01:59:13.000 He takes care of Robert William Abravia?

01:59:15.000 Well, you know, Mary Jane... 1.00

01:59:17.000 Wow, that's great, because for the longest time, remember he was calling him Hitler, and he would always see them and put his finger over his nose and say that they're Hitler? 0.94

01:59:23.000 Well, you've got to remember, Don Barris has been there so fucking long. 0.74

01:59:26.000 Don Barris has been there for a long time. 0.81

01:59:27.000 How long would you say, 20 years, maybe?

01:59:29.000 At least.

01:59:30.000 Always got along with Don Barris. 0.99

01:59:31.000 He's a fucking sweetheart of a guy. 0.98

01:59:33.000 I don't think in the 20 years that I've known that guy, or however long it's been, not quite 20 years, but... 0.99

01:59:39.000 However many years it's been in L.A., never, ever had an even unpleasant word with Don Barris.

01:59:46.000 He's a sweetheart of a guy.

01:59:48.000 Our relationship is very funny because Eddie Haskell's me.

01:59:51.000 Good evening, Mr. Herrera.

01:59:52.000 How are you doing?

01:59:52.000 You look great tonight.

01:59:53.000 That's a beautiful color for you. 0.99

01:59:55.000 It's always like some sort of an act, you know, always like put on a certain voice or fuck around with you. 0.99

02:00:02.000 Him and Brian Callan have some elaborate rape theme they do every time they see each other where Don Barris winds up raping Brian Callan. 0.98

02:00:12.000 It starts out, it always starts out the same way, it always ends the same way. 0.99

02:00:16.000 There's something about the store where people do stupid shit like that and keep it going forever. 0.99

02:00:21.000 Remember the thing they used to have with Eleanor? 1.00

02:00:23.000 We used to ask her about it. 0.99

02:00:24.000 You got changed for a dollar and she would go dig in her apron and start masturbating. 1.00

02:00:27.000 And we would do this. 1.00

02:00:29.000 This is a stupid fucking thing. 1.00

02:00:31.000 We would do literally once a week for years. 1.00

02:00:34.000 You and her used to get rough together though. 0.98

02:00:36.000 She's crazy. 0.60

02:00:37.000 That girl's strong, too. 0.97

02:00:38.000 Remember when she was a pro wrestler?

02:00:39.000 Yeah.

02:00:40.000 We used to go see her.

02:00:41.000 Easy Rider?

02:00:41.000 Easy Rider, right.

02:00:42.000 We went to see her.

02:00:43.000 She was one of the waitresses. 0.98

02:00:44.000 And now she's a very funny comic. 0.99

02:00:47.000 Eleanor Kerrigan is her name.

02:00:48.000 She's hilarious.

02:00:49.000 And we're so happy she's finally doing stand-up.

02:00:51.000 Because she was always one of the funniest people that would hang around at the store.

02:00:55.000 And she wasn't even a comic.

02:00:56.000 She was a waitress. 1.00

02:00:57.000 Well, we had a thing called the punch to the twat, where I would go to her, Ellie, I think you need it. 0.97

02:01:03.000 She goes, I think so too. 0.97

02:01:04.000 And I go, and I would hit her, and I would hit her, and she would act like it hurt, and she'd stagger around. 1.00

02:01:09.000 I remember that.

02:01:10.000 And then she acted like she came. 0.97

02:01:12.000 She'd be like, oh, yeah.

02:01:13.000 That's right.

02:01:13.000 Ooh, what a relief.

02:01:15.000 Nothing like a good punch to the twat. 0.99

02:01:17.000 She's really committed to it. 0.99

02:01:19.000 She would start off in deep, deep pain, and then she would start coming.

02:01:22.000 Ooh.

02:01:23.000 Yeah.

02:01:23.000 And then she would start coming after the initial impact of the punch.

02:01:27.000 In a way that only someone who really probably enjoys a good twat punch could deliver it.

02:01:31.000 Right.

02:01:31.000 She embodied that.

02:01:33.000 She did.

02:01:34.000 The idea of it.

02:01:35.000 But she was... 0.99

02:01:35.000 We would have a long... 0.99

02:01:37.000 I mean, we have this thing that was running at the Comedy Store for fucking years. 0.87

02:01:41.000 Where I'd go, do you have any...

02:01:43.000 Do you have any change?

02:01:45.000 Hold on a second.

02:01:46.000 And she would just start with asking me.

02:01:48.000 She'd like reach into her apron.

02:01:50.000 She'd be like... 0.56

02:01:54.000 And she would like completely commit.

02:01:56.000 Eyes closed, legs pinched together, toes, pigeon feet.

02:02:01.000 And you'd be like, I mean, I only need like a quarter.

02:02:03.000 If you just have one quarter, I'll give you a dollar.

02:02:05.000 No, no, no.

02:02:05.000 Hold on.

02:02:06.000 I'm going to get it.

02:02:08.000 I get it.

02:02:10.000 It was so over the top.

02:02:13.000 And every time she would do it, she would try to top it. 0.99

02:02:15.000 Because, you know, we're doing the same goddamn gag over and over again for years. 0.98

02:02:20.000 So she would try to double it over. 1.00

02:02:23.000 But I remember the cunt punch. 1.00

02:02:24.000 I remember when you would cunt punch her. 1.00

02:02:26.000 And I think you stomped on the ground too, pro wrestling style, to make it seem like it was real. 0.99

02:02:33.000 Check this out, Joe.

02:02:34.000 The Robert Albert Show.

02:02:35.000 Robert William Acrobya.

02:02:37.000 This is Robert William Acrobya.

02:02:42.000 Inviting you to join me for stand-up telling by the official comedian for the 1996 elections and a speech on the following subject.

02:02:48.000 The United States of America should re-legalize hemp.

02:02:51.000 And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Robert Acrobya.

02:02:57.000 That was Robert by the way.

02:02:59.000 Yeah, that's him.

02:03:00.000 There he goes.

02:03:04.000 He wears that same shirt everywhere he goes.

02:03:06.000 That same outfit.

02:03:07.000 It's green.

02:03:08.000 Yeah, and he keeps a paper plate that he carries around that's covered up with aluminum foil and stuff like that.

02:03:14.000 A paper plate covered up with aluminum foil?

02:03:16.000 Yeah, and he protects his head from lasers.

02:03:19.000 Remember, he used to always take this and block his head because he thinks people are shooting lasers at him when he walks into the comedy store.

02:03:28.000 Whoa.

02:03:29.000 Jesus Christ.

02:03:31.000 Lasers.

02:03:32.000 Yeah.

02:03:33.000 What is it, you know, I wonder if he was crazy always or if one day just reality just became too difficult.

02:03:42.000 Well, I've never seen him not crazy, so I wouldn't, I mean...

02:03:45.000 But isn't it weird that there's like shades of crazy?

02:03:48.000 And he's functioning.

02:03:48.000 Yeah, he's functioning.

02:03:49.000 How does he make a living?

02:03:51.000 I don't know.

02:03:53.000 I don't know.

02:03:54.000 But he does get on stage at the store.

02:03:56.000 Still goes up.

02:03:58.000 Here's Don Barris is like at a store and Robert's walking behind us.

02:04:06.000 It's funny here.

02:04:08.000 There's just a bunch of... 0.93

02:04:09.000 Don Barris is so crazy.

02:04:10.000 He's so awesome.

02:04:11.000 He's one of those guys that just...

02:04:14.000 Like I said about guys you're around, you automatically have a smile.

02:04:17.000 You know?

02:04:18.000 Guys that add.

02:04:19.000 There's Robert right here.

02:04:20.000 And wasn't he one of the original guys that was supposed to take over for the Letterman?

02:04:32.000 That's what he used to always talk about.

02:04:34.000 What?

02:04:35.000 There's that thing.

02:04:35.000 Oh, there's the aluminum store.

02:04:37.000 Yeah.

02:04:37.000 And I think, yeah, he was one of the guys who...

02:04:45.000 Is he cool with them doing this and putting this shit online and everything? 0.99

02:04:48.000 I have no idea. 0.99

02:04:50.000 Oh, they're following him around and just filming him, dude.

02:04:54.000 This is probably not the best thing.

02:04:56.000 I wonder if they got his permission for this.

02:04:58.000 Is that Charles Fleischer?

02:04:59.000 Yeah.

02:05:00.000 There's a guy.

02:05:00.000 I haven't seen it forever.

02:05:02.000 This is for the folks watching at home.

02:05:04.000 They're just following around a guy who has a slippery grip on reality.

02:05:09.000 Yeah.

02:05:11.000 But a nice enough guy.

02:05:12.000 Yeah, he's really nice.

02:05:12.000 I always try to talk to him, but it's impossible now to talk to him.

02:05:15.000 Like, I even tried to give him a joint the other day, and he just ran away.

02:05:18.000 Isn't it interesting how the store just sort of, like, attracts those types of characters?

02:05:22.000 Yeah.

02:05:23.000 I mean, we've talked about it so many times with that vortex of Hollywood, that whole area between the Rainbow Room and the Roxy and where the Viper Room is and all the way down to where the store is and even the Laugh Factory.

02:05:36.000 That area is so strange.

02:05:39.000 It's such a vortex of bizarre people.

02:05:42.000 The Viper Room especially is one of them.

02:05:44.000 You ever done stand-up there?

02:05:45.000 No.

02:05:46.000 I've seen a lot of music there.

02:05:47.000 And also the rainbow is like that 80s.

02:05:49.000 Yeah.

02:05:50.000 Tight pants, rocker look.

02:05:52.000 They won't let it go.

02:05:53.000 They found a spot.

02:05:54.000 They found a spot and they agreed to all go there.

02:05:57.000 Yeah, they found a spot where you know you're going to be able to see someone from that era is going to come by.

02:06:03.000 It reminds me of the Kennison days, that place.

02:06:05.000 Yeah, right?

02:06:06.000 He used to talk about it.

02:06:08.000 It was on his HBO special.

02:06:10.000 He talked about the Rainbow Bar and Grill. 1.00

02:06:11.000 About meeting crazy girls over there that can't wait to meet you and blame their whole miserable, fucked up life on you. 1.00

02:06:20.000 Right. 1.00

02:06:22.000 He had some great tortured relationship shit. 1.00

02:06:25.000 Oh, he was funny. 0.99

02:06:26.000 One of the best, right? 1.00

02:06:28.000 When it comes to tortured relationship shit, I was married for two fucking years! 1.00

02:06:32.000 Talking about going and meeting the devil. 1.00

02:06:34.000 Yeah. 0.94

02:06:35.000 Hell would be like Club Med!

02:06:38.000 Hell would be like Club Med.

02:06:42.000 He was a real game changer, that dude.

02:06:46.000 It's hard to change the game today.

02:06:47.000 Everybody's seen everything. 0.99

02:06:49.000 With the internet, the way it is now, it's amazing how much more educated people are today and how much more weird shit they've been exposed to. 0.53

02:06:57.000 Yeah, you've got to keep changing stuff.

02:06:59.000 I did a bit about how there's no place to go in comedy.

02:07:03.000 I don't know if you've ever seen this place.

02:07:05.000 We've been sacrilegious as you can be, as vulgar as you can be.

02:07:08.000 The only thing left to do is actually come on the crowd. 0.99

02:07:11.000 At the end of his act, his pants open up and he just started like a fucking machine gun. 0.98

02:07:16.000 People are running at you, but you can't help but turn and look back and you get it right in the eye. 0.99

02:07:20.000 I could imagine easily a culture where it would be okay if the performer came on the audience. 1.00

02:07:26.000 There's way worse shit out there. 1.00

02:07:28.000 There's way crazier shit out there that people are doing. 1.00

02:07:30.000 I mean, just even circumcision is pretty fucking nuts. 1.00

02:07:33.000 Cutting baby dicks. 1.00

02:07:34.000 You've been cutting baby dicks for thousands of years. 1.00

02:07:36.000 Hey, it's a living. 0.99

02:07:37.000 It's a living.

02:07:40.000 Remember that show?

02:07:42.000 No.

02:07:44.000 Some sitcom with some chick that was on, I think she was on Celebrity Rehab, one of the first ones.

02:07:52.000 I remember.

02:07:52.000 Here's George Jetson.

02:07:55.000 Here's Doyle Galroy.

02:07:56.000 Yeah, what year was the Jetsons supposed to be in?

02:07:59.000 The future, like 1980. Isn't it funny that when you go and look at shit that they thought was going to be... 0.99

02:08:08.000 It's a disappointment. 0.99

02:08:10.000 Do you know what Blade Runner was supposed to be taking place in?

02:08:12.000 No.

02:08:13.000 2019. Oh, really?

02:08:14.000 Yeah.

02:08:16.000 What is this?

02:08:17.000 It's a living.

02:08:18.000 I don't remember this at all.

02:08:21.000 Wow, look at all these fake acting women. 1.00

02:08:26.000 Susan Sullivan. 0.59

02:08:28.000 Ooh, she's milfy. 1.00

02:08:31.000 Where are all these women now? 1.00

02:08:33.000 Oh, don't even bring it up.

02:08:35.000 Oh, I bet she's hot. 1.00

02:08:36.000 I bet she's still hot. 1.00

02:08:38.000 She's got a lot of milfy shit going on. 1.00

02:08:40.000 That's milfy. 1.00

02:08:42.000 I hope she works out.

02:08:43.000 She's pretty. 0.99

02:08:45.000 Somebody put a Photoshop together with what all these girls look like now. 1.00

02:08:50.000 And Jillian, I know her.

02:08:51.000 Do you?

02:08:52.000 I did.

02:08:53.000 I did a roast with Mike Ditka.

02:08:54.000 She was on it.

02:08:55.000 Is that guy a comic?

02:08:57.000 I don't know.

02:08:59.000 It's weird sitcoms from the 70s.

02:09:01.000 The Wacky Chef.

02:09:02.000 He's dead.

02:09:03.000 Oh my god.

02:09:06.000 I've never seen this show before.

02:09:07.000 Wow.

02:09:08.000 No, me neither.

02:09:08.000 Isn't it crazy just going back in time?

02:09:10.000 What year was that, Brian?

02:09:12.000 That's Danny Thomas' son.

02:09:13.000 Yeah?

02:09:14.000 What year was that, that It's a Living was on the air?

02:09:16.000 Joe, I never saw that show.

02:09:18.000 I don't know why I remembered it.

02:09:20.000 Not only that, you remember the theme.

02:09:22.000 It's like 1980s is always.

02:09:25.000 1980s.

02:09:25.000 Wow.

02:09:26.000 Early 80s.

02:09:26.000 I remember that show.

02:09:27.000 I think I was in high school.

02:09:28.000 It was on the air.

02:09:29.000 Weird.

02:09:30.000 It's amazing how much culture has evolved from that to...

02:09:35.000 What's Larry David's show?

02:09:37.000 Curb Your Enthusiasm.

02:09:38.000 Curb Your Enthusiasm.

02:09:39.000 Think of that.

02:09:39.000 Think of the difference between that show, how complex and hilarious and how...

02:09:44.000 Brilliant.

02:09:45.000 Brilliant.

02:09:46.000 Brilliant and multi-layered and faceted is where it just gets twisted up into things.

02:09:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:09:51.000 You know, where, you know, I mean, he, remember when he had a water bottle in his pants and the girl came in the bathroom?

02:09:56.000 I mean, he's just...

02:09:57.000 Oh, he's unbelievable.

02:09:58.000 Unbelievable.

02:09:59.000 Well, they used to say that, like, a friend of mine worked for both the, Everybody Loves Raymond and Seinfeld.

02:10:04.000 And he said to me, Raymond was so simple because it was an A-plot.

02:10:07.000 The whole show was an A-plot, sometimes a B. Seinfeld was A, B, C, D. And they'd throw everything.

02:10:12.000 The guy would hit the golf ball, goes in the whale's blowhole, and Jason Alexander lies about being a marine biologist.

02:10:19.000 Marine biologists, everything, the way everything fit together, in 22 minutes.

02:10:23.000 Yeah.

02:10:24.000 Clean!

02:10:24.000 And they had to work clean.

02:10:25.000 Yeah.

02:10:26.000 It was a brilliant, brilliant show.

02:10:27.000 And, you know, if you look at, like, those old Father Knows Best, it's almost like a different species of thing.

02:10:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:10:34.000 Like, people were so stupid. 1.00

02:10:36.000 Like, how could you have this show on the air? 1.00

02:10:39.000 You realize how naive culture was just in the 1950s.

02:10:43.000 Oh, yeah.

02:10:43.000 The only one that holds up to me and makes me laugh still is Andy of Mayberry.

02:10:46.000 But just listen to what you said about the Twilight Zone.

02:10:48.000 That holds up.

02:10:49.000 That story holds up.

02:10:50.000 They wake up and they realize they were actually getting further away from the sun.

02:10:54.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:10:54.000 That's a creepy fucking show. 1.00

02:10:56.000 Twilight Zone was amazing. 1.00

02:10:57.000 Remember To Serve Man? 0.54

02:10:59.000 Yes.

02:10:59.000 The aliens came.

02:11:00.000 It was a cookbook.

02:11:01.000 It was a cookbook.

02:11:01.000 It's a cookbook!

02:11:06.000 Well, if you think about the way we treat dolphins and the way we treat killer whales, I would think that if aliens came here, they might either fuck us or eat us. 1.00

02:11:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:11:13.000 It's very possible, right? 0.99

02:11:14.000 If they're way smarter than us. 1.00

02:11:16.000 If they look at us, we're so stupid. 1.00

02:11:18.000 We're still using nuclear power and assholes are polluting everything. 1.00

02:11:22.000 You don't give a fuck. 1.00

02:11:23.000 They'd eat us. 1.00

02:11:24.000 That's why I have a poor diet.

02:11:25.000 I don't want to be delicious.

02:11:27.000 Well, you really think about it.

02:11:28.000 Your diet probably makes you delicious.

02:11:30.000 Oh, you're right.

02:11:31.000 It's all fat.

02:11:32.000 Yeah, like a Wagyu steak.

02:11:35.000 Like when they get that Kobe beef.

02:11:38.000 Yeah, I mean, they feed it liquor and they massage it. 0.91

02:11:40.000 It's perfect.

02:11:41.000 It's just like me.

02:11:44.000 That's a day in the life on the road.

02:11:46.000 Get a nice deep tissue before the show.

02:11:48.000 Loosen up.

02:11:49.000 You mind if I drink while you rub my back?

02:11:55.000 Yeah.

02:11:55.000 Do you ever get a deep tissue massage?

02:11:58.000 No, I'm not a big massage guy.

02:12:00.000 Really?

02:12:01.000 Not even at the Rub and Tug kind of massages?

02:12:03.000 I used to.

02:12:04.000 Do you have any fetishes?

02:12:05.000 Those are hard to find, right?

02:12:07.000 Fetishes?

02:12:08.000 Yeah.

02:12:08.000 Like do you dress up in diapers or do anything weird like that?

02:12:11.000 No.

02:12:12.000 Diapers?

02:12:13.000 Brian.

02:12:14.000 I think the funniest fetish I ever heard, I don't know if it's true, was Elton John. 1.00

02:12:17.000 He liked to run across the room naked, and guys would throw oranges at him, at his ass. 0.99

02:12:22.000 That was his thing? 1.00

02:12:23.000 Yeah.

02:12:24.000 Supposedly.

02:12:25.000 Supposedly.

02:12:25.000 But that's like Rod Stewart supposedly had to get his stomach pumped because there was like a quart and a half a comer.

02:12:30.000 Yeah, he blew his soccer team. 0.60

02:12:33.000 Hey guys, in lieu of pay, I'd like to blow all of you. 0.99

02:12:38.000 The best rumor of all time, though, the king of the rumors, is the rigid-geared gerbil up the ass rumor. 0.98

02:12:43.000 That's the Mike Tyson of 1985. How do you deny it? 0.95

02:12:47.000 I never had a gerbil up my ass. 1.00

02:12:49.000 I think Scientology might have done it to him. 1.00

02:12:51.000 I think he had been involved. 1.00

02:12:53.000 You think they really put a gerbil up his ass? 1.00

02:12:54.000 No, they probably spread the rumor. 1.00

02:12:56.000 How the fuck did that rumor get? 0.99

02:12:57.000 Eddie Bravo grew up here in LA. I grew up in Boston, and we both heard that rumor. 0.99

02:13:05.000 Who's the first guy that thought, I'm going to put an animal in my ass? 1.00

02:13:09.000 I think people are nuts. 1.00

02:13:10.000 They put all kinds of things in their ass. 1.00

02:13:11.000 What do you mean? 1.00

02:13:11.000 An animal? 1.00

02:13:12.000 A live animal? 1.00

02:13:13.000 How fucking terrifying. 0.99

02:13:14.000 There's always someone looking to take it to the next level. 0.99

02:13:16.000 Nipping?

02:13:16.000 They found a guy who was drunk driving.

02:13:18.000 He had a zebra in his car. 0.97

02:13:20.000 A zebra and a giraffe or some shit like that. 0.97

02:13:22.000 I just tweeted it. 0.98

02:13:23.000 What?

02:13:23.000 Yeah.

02:13:24.000 Yeah, you think you've seen everything?

02:13:25.000 You think, well, I've pretty much figured out what people are capable of and what they're not capable of.

02:13:31.000 No.

02:13:32.000 No, no, no.

02:13:32.000 Let me read this to you.

02:13:34.000 Because it is the most ridiculous shit. 1.00

02:13:38.000 We had on Sam Tripoli's naughty show last night a woman that was a bondage mistress. 1.00

02:13:43.000 And she had her own personal slave.

02:13:45.000 And it was so weird.

02:13:47.000 It was like Pulp Fiction.

02:13:47.000 We're like, bring out the gimp.

02:13:48.000 And this girl just, like a month at a time, would just live with this woman and her boyfriend who was the guy from NoFX. 0.97

02:13:54.000 People are so crazy, man. 0.67

02:13:56.000 Didn't they just be like, alright, you want to see us beat her? 1.00

02:13:59.000 And so she's like wailing on this girl with these whips and stuff. 1.00

02:14:03.000 By the way, the guy had a zebra and a parrot in the front seat of his truck.

02:14:08.000 Sounds like a joke.

02:14:08.000 And he got arrested in Dubuque, Iowa, driving drunk with a zebra and a parrot.

02:14:14.000 I don't know how the fuck... 0.99

02:14:16.000 How can he put a zebra in? 1.00

02:14:17.000 I don't understand it.

02:14:18.000 I'm looking at it here.

02:14:20.000 It's a little zebra, obviously. 1.00

02:14:21.000 It's not a big zebra, but it's a fucking zebra. 1.00

02:14:24.000 This asshole's driving around with a zebra like it's his Jack Russell terrier. 1.00

02:14:27.000 Hey, you guys want to go for a ride? 1.00

02:14:29.000 He's going to train a zebra.

02:14:30.000 Isn't it amazing that you could just, there's some animals like zebras you could just buy?

02:14:33.000 You could just figure out a way to buy it? 0.99

02:14:35.000 How the fuck can you just buy a zebra, man? 0.99

02:14:38.000 Craigslist. 1.00

02:14:39.000 You can buy a fucking tank in this country if you have enough money. 1.00

02:14:42.000 Wow, they have a little zebra, man. 1.00

02:14:43.000 I'm looking at this.

02:14:45.000 Man arrested for OWI with zebra parrot in front seat of truck.

02:14:49.000 Just Google that. 0.98

02:14:52.000 And then there's a video, and he's got a parrot, or the lady has a parrot sitting on her shoulder, and there's a guy, he's just a fucking crazy old cracker, and he has a pet zebra. 0.98

02:15:02.000 Oh, wow, look at this. 0.98

02:15:03.000 Look at what I just found.

02:15:04.000 Wow, looking at this.

02:15:05.000 What?

02:15:06.000 Breeder of miniature donkeys, giant grant zebras.

02:15:10.000 What?

02:15:10.000 You could buy zebras?

02:15:12.000 Let's see what's for sale right now.

02:15:13.000 Oh, my God.

02:15:14.000 Oh, look at that.

02:15:15.000 You could buy a zebra. 1.00

02:15:16.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:15:17.000 Fucking buy a zebra, dude. 1.00

02:15:18.000 Dude, look at it. 1.00

02:15:19.000 How about a Z donkey? 1.00

02:15:20.000 It's only $3,000.

02:15:20.000 What's a zedonky?

02:15:21.000 Look at that.

02:15:22.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

02:15:23.000 Scroll up.

02:15:23.000 That's half zebra, half donkey, son.

02:15:25.000 A zedonk! 0.98

02:15:26.000 It is!

02:15:26.000 Oh my god!

02:15:26.000 I was joking around!

02:15:28.000 That's what it's called!

02:15:29.000 A zedonk! 0.98

02:15:30.000 A jasmine, a zedonk!

02:15:31.000 When I said zedonky, I was joking! 1.00

02:15:34.000 Dude, you need to get a zedonky. 1.00

02:15:35.000 There's a half donkey, half zebra. 0.94

02:15:37.000 That's insane!

02:15:38.000 A giant zebra, $5,000.

02:15:40.000 You have your own zebra for $5,000. 1.00

02:15:41.000 The fuck would I do with a zebra, man? 1.00

02:15:42.000 Get one, dude. 1.00

02:15:43.000 Look!

02:15:44.000 More zedonks! 0.98

02:15:45.000 I want to watch the videos of a zebra.

02:15:46.000 What's that, an alpaca? 1.00

02:15:47.000 Fucking that donkey. 1.00

02:15:49.000 I wonder if the zebra fucked the donkey or the donkey fucked the zebra. 1.00

02:15:51.000 I would imagine the zebra did the fucking. 1.00

02:15:53.000 Look at this little Applejack. 1.00

02:15:54.000 I think your beaters are wild.

02:15:56.000 I think you're being presumptuous, Joe. 1.00

02:15:58.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

02:16:00.000 Applejack. 0.99

02:16:00.000 We're looking at something that says spotted miniature donkey jack. 0.99

02:16:04.000 Oh my god, I gotta get out of here.

02:16:06.000 I gotta be at Adam Carolla's place in half an hour.

02:16:10.000 Okay.

02:16:10.000 The end.

02:16:12.000 Dom Herrera, you're the fucking king, as always. 1.00

02:16:14.000 Those are always fun, man. 0.99

02:16:15.000 Thank you.

02:16:15.000 It couldn't have been more fun.

02:16:17.000 It's impossible.

02:16:18.000 Anytime you want to do it again, we keep doing it.

02:16:20.000 We do it constantly.

02:16:21.000 I love it.

02:16:21.000 We'll never stop, Dom Herrera.

02:16:22.000 I'll be back after Ireland. 0.75

02:16:24.000 You are officially in the Death Squad now.

02:16:25.000 Are you comfortable with that?

02:16:26.000 I'm very comfortable.

02:16:27.000 Death Squad, Dom Herrera?

02:16:28.000 Thank you, boys.

02:16:28.000 Can we agree?

02:16:29.000 We'll have a meeting.

02:16:30.000 We'll cut thumbs.

02:16:31.000 June 30th, Tropicana, if I can.

02:16:34.000 Boom.

02:16:34.000 Please.

02:16:35.000 June 30th.

02:16:35.000 Go see the great Don Marrera.

02:16:37.000 One of the funniest comics of all time.

02:16:38.000 That's even in Comedy Central.

02:16:40.000 Ditto, my friend.

02:16:40.000 Comedy Central even says that.

02:16:42.000 Number 79. You fucking savage. 1.00

02:16:43.000 Better than Slayton who was 78. Oh, Slayton! 1.00

02:16:46.000 Suck it! 1.00

02:16:47.000 Suck it, Bobby! 1.00

02:16:48.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. 1.00

02:16:52.000 Go to JoeRogan.net.

02:16:53.000 Click on the link for The Fleshlight.

02:16:54.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN. Save yourself some money so I'm 15% off.

02:16:57.000 How about that?

02:16:58.000 Thanks also to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, Shroom Tech Sport, which I take before I work out, which keeps me so yoked. 0.76

02:17:07.000 Shroom Tech Immune, pumps up your immune system, and New Mood, which is a 5-HTP. It's all explained on Onnit.com.

02:17:14.000 It's fabulous.

02:17:15.000 It's wonderful.

02:17:16.000 And we've got kettlebells coming out very soon.

02:17:18.000 O-N-N-I-T.com. 0.99

02:17:20.000 Talk to you freaks soon. 1.00

02:17:21.000 Oh, next, what do we got tomorrow?

02:17:24.000 We have Joey Coco Diaz.

02:17:26.000 Joey Diaz is tomorrow.

02:17:28.000 At 1 o'clock, I believe.

02:17:29.000 And then we got Burt Kreischer.

02:17:30.000 What time is Burt Kreischer?

02:17:31.000 Burt Kreischer is on Thursday.

02:17:33.000 Cool.

02:17:33.000 Sweet.

02:17:34.000 Isn't that what I said?

02:17:35.000 I didn't know about Burt Kreischer.

02:17:36.000 I shouldn't be taking care of this. 0.97

02:17:38.000 I'm too fucking scatterbrained to be... 0.97

02:17:41.000 I made a tweet about it. 0.97

02:17:44.000 Let me read my own tweet so I'll know who's on a podcast this week.

02:17:52.000 I want to get one of these little zebra cherry darts. 1.00

02:17:54.000 You don't want to have a fucking zebra wandering around your household, dude. 0.99

02:17:57.000 What about this little horse thing? 1.00

02:17:58.000 What was it called again?

02:17:59.000 A cherry dart?

02:18:00.000 Yeah, bird crashers on Thursday, yes.

02:18:02.000 I just wanted to confirm, because I know we tried to do another day, but he couldn't make it.

02:18:06.000 And then next week, we've got Shane Smith coming up, Bass Nectar. 0.99

02:18:09.000 We've got a lot of shit coming up. 1.00

02:18:11.000 Bobcat! 1.00

02:18:11.000 Bobcat Goldthwait next Wednesday. 1.00

02:18:13.000 So next Wednesday, that's a hot three right there, ladies and gentlemen.

02:18:15.000 Bass Nectar.

02:18:16.000 Come on, son.

02:18:18.000 We're going to have a good time. 0.97

02:18:19.000 And Shane Smith will return and tell us some more fucking crazy stories about wherever that guy's been all over the world. 0.97

02:18:24.000 Sweet. 0.98

02:18:25.000 You've got to get Anthony Bourdain on the show and talk about Olive Garden. 0.99

02:18:28.000 Bro, Olive Garden sucks. 1.00

02:18:29.000 You've got to shut it up. 1.00

02:18:30.000 He's going to stab you. 1.00

02:18:31.000 Anthony Bourdain's going to stab you. 1.00

02:18:32.000 I'll see you guys tomorrow. 0.99

02:18:34.000 Early.

02:18:35.000 It'll be 1 o'clock for Joey Diaz.

02:18:36.000 Later, bye.

02:18:36.000 Later.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 22, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #218 - Dom Irrera

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript