In this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, the boys talk about Blade Runner, sex robots, and the future of the sex industry. They also discuss the new Fleshlight flashlight and how it could be the next big thing in sex and masturbation. The Joe Rogans Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. If you use the code "ROGAN" at checkout, you get 15% off your first purchase when you enter the code: ROGAN when you sign up for the Fleshlight and then use code "ELISSA" when you purchase your first pack of Lube. You can get a Fleshlight for free when you click the link below and use code: ELISSA at checkout to save 15% on your purchase. Thanks to our sponsor, Onnit. Onnit is a high-performance sleep aid company that specializes in helping people get better at getting good rest and getting the most out of their sleep. They also make amazing sleep aids and meds to help combat anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, and panic attacks. We highly recommend them! They are a must-listen to podcast and listen to episode one of the podcast. Joe and the boys discuss the benefits of Onnit's newest drug, Xanax. Do you like Xanax? Do you need Xanax or do you want to start taking it? If so, go get some Xanax and start taking care of your anxiety? If not, go to the doctor? Do not hesitate to go get your anxiety and start spiraling. All of these meds and start meds are available at the doctor's office so you can get the treatment you need to get the best possible rest and recovery so that you can be the best of your life and get the rest you can have the most rest possible so you won t be overwhelmed by anxiety and anxiety I swear by that is a bold statement that is legit. Well, that s not a bad thing. -Joe Rogan Podcast, you ll have a good day, right here! -Jon and Brian Rogan Show, Jon Rogan . Jon Rogans podcast, Brian Rogans Podcast, Jon s podcast, Jon s Podcast, and Brian s podcast Joe s Podcast , and much more! , Tom s Podcasts, Brian s Podcast and more!
00:02:55.000Until she was like 18, and she could go to the mall with him and shit, and then she slept under the bed, and they just fucking did crazy shit to her.
00:03:06.000Where you believe that your captor is helping you out.
00:03:10.000So I've been in relationships like that.
00:03:13.000The robot fuck girl will start off with a mouth, and then as technology gets better, the mouth will get smaller and smaller and smaller, and then it will be no mouth.
00:05:33.000Enter in the code name ROGAN and you can save yourself 10% off any and all orders.
00:05:37.000And what I was saying earlier, we have 100% money back guarantee on the first order of 30 pills.
00:05:42.000So when you take something, if you try it and you're like, this is not worth it, this is bullshit, you don't even have to return the product.
00:07:15.000Well, you know, I mean, he said a lot of shit.
00:07:18.000He's insulted Noguera, who's, you know, who's Anderson Silva's jiu-jitsu trainer and a famous mixed martial arts fighter, a former pride champion, and one of the all-time greats.
00:07:32.000It's like, it would be like insulting Muhammad Ali or something along those lines, or insulting, no, I wouldn't say Muhammad Ali.
00:08:36.000I've never been in a crowd that's so nationalistic, that so wanted the Brazilian fighters to win and fucking hated when the foreign fighters won.
00:09:46.000They're completely connected to nature.
00:09:49.000When you look at how Rio is with the favelas and the hills and the city at the bottom and the oceans right there, and the way you look at it, it's like, man, they're constantly reminded by nature.
00:10:01.000You know, that's something that a lot of places in America just don't have.
00:12:35.000It's so weird that we are so nonchalant about these things, about tornadoes, and living in just even the remote possibility that a tornado might hit your area.
00:12:49.000Like, shouldn't you factor that into where you fucking live?
00:14:44.000People have tried to make that connection between human beings, global warming, and the acceleration of these big storms, but I don't know where the status of that is, so I don't want to speak to that.
00:14:56.000But how weird would it be if we found out it was true?
00:14:59.000If we found out that once people get to a certain fever pitch, you know, the earth just has a response of these big gusts of wind monsters to sort of like shut everybody the fuck up.
00:15:50.000It's between us coming up with some sort of technology that lifts us out of our monkey existence or the earth swallowing us up in a supervolcano.
00:16:23.000Alright, so the reason I bought the champagne...
00:16:26.000I mean, I just, I'm about to say it, but if nature was a system, and if like, you know, certain things got too high, like human waste, if human waste caused a certain amount of disease, which it does, you know, if things, where we fuck things up, cause a certain amount of death, it's almost like...
00:16:59.000What if it was connected to cancer, the worst thing in the world, connected with the best thing in the world?
00:17:04.000Kind of like the same kind of karma...
00:17:06.000See, what happens when you get high is that, this is what I think, is that you have a paragraph in your head that is very well thought out.
00:17:14.000But all you can piece together are like five words out of that paragraph and your brain scrambles and picks the five best ones.
00:17:20.000And the worst is when you're halfway into the paragraph and you go, what the fuck am I even talking about?
00:18:31.000My dad, when I was back in Ohio, bought one of those things where it's a belt that goes around really, really fast, and it has these metal prongs that just hover over the belt, the rubber belt, so it collects electricity.
00:18:45.000And then you put this little dome on it, and the electricity then collects inside the dome, and it gets off, I think it's 20,000...
00:18:54.000Volts of electricity it makes or something like that.
00:19:17.000And then he goes, watch what happens when I turn off the light, and he takes a metal hammer with a rubber thing, and he just holds it out the thing, and the electricity just starts shooting towards the hammer, and in between the part where you pull out nails, like the little V thing, just electricity's going back and forth really, really fast.
00:21:05.000And it started off, you know, my dad was just, you know, talking like he usually does, you know, about how to, you know, break perpetual motion or whatever he always talks about.
00:21:14.000And then he just became giggly and happy, and it was just like a shitty grin the whole time.
00:25:58.000And then I think also that I have a group of friends that run through my house that my kids have been around, and they try to make them laugh.
00:26:04.000And I think that that takes up to, you know, it's like, look, if you're sitting in a Baptist church, and nothing against Baptist people at all, but if you're sitting in a Baptist church, you're trying to make the Baptist preacher laugh, it's a pretty easy laugh.
00:26:13.000You don't really, oh, isn't that right?
00:26:16.000But it's not like a cultivated sense of humor.
00:26:19.000But when you've got Tom Segura sitting on the couch, and he's drinking beers, and my kids are trying to make him laugh, they come up with some funny fucking shit.
00:26:26.000My daughter, this is going to sound like a lie because I'm just telling you this.
00:26:30.000Yesterday, this is maybe the hardest I've ever laughed at my youngest daughter.
00:26:34.000My wife is trying to brag on the fact that her and my youngest daughter, who we're having problems with developmentally, she's not retarded, but that sounds horrible too.
00:27:44.000That's the big concern amongst people that are raising children, is your kids learning how to swear and swearing, and that being a sign of bad parenting.
00:28:00.000The idea that you're going to exclude certain words and that somehow or another this excluding of certain words is going to make people behave differently?
00:29:23.000I think a lot of our issues with things that people have, like as far as obsessive compulsive issues or addictive issues, I think it's just a little game that your brain plays.
00:29:32.000When you can't get something, then you get it, and you shouldn't have it, and then you want it.
00:29:36.000I think it's just this weird seesaw thing that your brain can play.
00:29:39.000And part of that, one of the triggers of that, is suppressing people.
00:32:06.000There's this girl I used to date that every time after sex, like, when we're spooning, going to bed, like, I always have, like, one arm underneath her head, and the other arm she always wanted me to put in her mouth, like, to suck her thumb.
00:32:16.000And so she'd sit there, and I found out that she liked it best after trial and error, that she always liked it better, like, on the nose.
00:32:22.000So she would suck my thumb until she fell asleep, and then, like, I would have a grandmother thumb, you know, where it gets all wrinkly, and I'd be like, That's some issues, I think.
00:32:51.000And then sometimes we would drink cranberry vodkas or whatever and I would have a stained thumb and it was kind of embarrassed because you can't really wash the stain of the cranberry off of your thumb so you would walk around with a red thumb.
00:33:04.000Do you know that guy Julian Assange from WikiLeaks, the guy that's in trouble?
00:33:15.000What's really crazy is this guy released all these documents, but what they're getting him on, what they're prosecuting him on, is having sex with a girl.
00:34:04.000WikiLeaks is an organization that got a bunch of documents from someone who's in the army.
00:34:09.000And a lot of it was very controversial and just horrible shit.
00:34:16.000One of them, they put out a video called Collateral Murder, and it showed these guys that are in these helicopters, these fighter jets, whatever the fuck they were shooting from.
00:36:05.000So wait, Julian Assange is the dude who leaked it Julian Assange is the guy who ran WikiLeaks, and he's the guy who leaked all this information.
00:36:16.000What was really crazy is that after he leaks the information, then this sex charge comes up, and they want to export him out of the country.
00:36:22.000I think to Norway, when they have these crazy sex laws, like they have different, you know, people have weird laws on rape.
00:36:29.000There's some feminists that believe, and I've actually read this and had to go back and read it several times just to really wrap my head around whether or not I'd heard them right, then the statement was that they believe that if a woman has been tricked by a man and deceived by a man and talked into having sex, then that's rape.
00:36:52.000That's every girl I've ever had sex with.
00:37:49.000I will go as far to say that I believe, if you have me to put it down, I believe that rape is when a man assaults a woman and makes her have sex when she does not want to.
00:38:04.000And I do believe there is a gray line where date rape is involved.
00:38:32.000You're like, maybe I should report you.
00:38:34.000So, but I do believe that, because this is not the subject I ever want to talk about, because it's, like, I went to college when the word rape became flip-floppy, and, like, chicks were saying they got rape when they genuinely didn't.
00:40:17.000And he was saying, no, it's not racist, but there is a shorthand.
00:40:22.000have that a black and a white guy don't have like two white guys like lauren michael and say chris farley there's a shorthand that they have that a black kid is not born with and when i heard that i went what what do you mean by a shorthand okay like um like uh like you ever got into a meeting with a bunch of white dudes and you just kind of you understand them and like or like when a guy goes uh man how about that fucking ds fight And then all of a sudden you and him have a shorthand.
00:40:47.000You go to a meeting and you're like, oh, we have something in common.
00:41:50.000Lauren Michaels being the head, but Chris Rock was saying, as a kid from Brooklyn, his shorthand wasn't there.
00:41:55.000So when he met Lauren Michaels, he didn't...
00:41:57.000He didn't know the, like, I mean, ultimately, you know, it's like when you meet a network executive, I kind of know what to say and what not to say.
00:43:11.000Anyway, the window, it's an interesting story.
00:43:13.000So he puts a window in, and it's $20,000.
00:43:15.000And the guy goes, hey, look, I'll comp you the window.
00:43:17.000I'll give you the window if you let me fucking put you on my TV show or whatever and show that I'm doing Chris Rock's house.
00:43:24.000Chris Rock's like, man, if I show my family I'm putting in a $20,000 window into a house, they're going to want to stay in that house.
00:43:30.000Like, I can't just fucking put that on TV. And I was like, well, I'd fucking put that shit on TV because my ego would come in and be like, fucking...
00:47:04.000It's even better when it's you on the podcast.
00:47:06.000And you hear, I heard me talking to you and I was like, oh!
00:47:10.000And I'm in my own dream with you and I'm like, this is awesome!
00:47:13.000But, there's no, like, I was listening to you talk about ego, destroying ego with drugs, with getting into the tank and getting rid of your ego.
00:47:24.000And I was like, man, and I started thinking about ego.
00:48:01.000I'm biting my tongue, and I'm letting myself feel the fucking disgusting feelings when you feel like an innocuous statement is directed at you.
00:48:12.000Like, last night, this is a bad example.
00:48:14.000I don't even want to fucking use that example.
00:48:54.000As a human being, when you have something that's your occupation or something that you're obsessed with, I think you build up a lot of stress when you're pursuing something.
00:49:04.000And a lot of that stress can be evacuated physically.
00:49:07.000And that's what a lot of people aren't aware of.
00:49:10.000I goof around and talk to people about yoga and goof on yoga people.
00:49:17.000Yoga is like a brilliant way of managing your emotions and your body.
00:49:23.000And the idea, the word centered, I hate crystal talk.
00:50:25.000When you have to go through physical exertion, physical exertion to the point where your body's failing, that is very humbling.
00:50:32.000And then when you get a speech at the end, that's what I love about yoga is you get into child's pose where you're just laying there and they talk to you.
00:51:15.000Laid down in child's pose, and this dude with fucking sleeved and tattoos, cool motherfucker, like, just walks around in yoga pants, and he's like, what?
00:54:19.000It's probably a lot of success, I think, and this is my belief about athletics, that a lot of success in athletics comes down to almost like a psychosis.
00:54:35.000There's a certain amount of almost crazy behavior to get to this incredible position like Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali or any elite highlight.
00:54:52.000And I... From the time that I was a kid, I was involved in martial arts.
00:54:59.000So it was like a choice that I made when I was like 14 or 15. And that was a choice that I was on until I was like 21. But when I realized that I had to stop fighting and stop teaching and just do comedy, I was talking to a kid.
00:55:19.000We were open-mikers together, about six months into comedy.
00:55:22.000I was still dabbling in it, and I still had my feet in all my other worlds, trying to find my place.
00:55:28.000And this dude, who I'd done open mics with for like six months, goes, you were really funny in the beginning, but man, you just kind of petered out after a while.
00:55:55.000You know, benefited greatly from very uncomfortable criticisms before.
00:56:00.000Like some of the biggest growth moments you can have was where someone just knocks your dick into the dirt and lets you know what the fuck is up.
01:01:17.000But I got to thank you, man, because I... I got the book deal, and the only reason I ever had an interest in doing a book is because of this podcast.
01:01:25.000Well, you got a book deal because you're an interesting dude.
01:01:59.000And this is from your podcast, that tape got passed to all the book editors.
01:02:04.000Another way of looking at it is how lucky am I that I get to be on a podcast with guys like you who have such great stories and That make people want to listen again.
01:03:25.000Didn't even get started until, like, 10.30.
01:03:27.000Dude, we're totally changing that whole entire Ice House.
01:03:30.000We're bringing that fucking club back.
01:03:32.000Because, I mean, a lot of the comics last night said, like Doug Benson, I used to love coming to the Ice House, but then something weird happened, and it started getting kind of different, and it wasn't that fun to go to anymore.
01:03:44.000But tonight, that was one of the funnest times ever.
01:03:47.000These are the best crowds we've ever had ever.
01:03:54.000You know, you don't think that people have really different crowds.
01:03:58.000You don't think that people like, you know what I mean?
01:04:00.000You feel like, well, Chicago's different than New York, and New York is different than San Francisco.
01:04:04.000But what's changed recently for us is that everywhere we go, the crowds have been amazing, like really nice people, like really enthusiastic.
01:04:19.000No one ever thought that there was a formula for doing that.
01:04:21.000No one ever thought that there was a formula where you could go and ensure that you would have a huge percentage of the population that kind of thinks along the same way that you think.
01:04:43.000Like, can you imagine that a bunch of people that are into DMT mushrooms, MMA, fucking spiritual, like, vitamins, being healthy, like, all those people just showed up at once and you're like, shut the fuck up!
01:05:39.000His podcast, I listened on repeat when I was in Boston, because I was in Boston, and I was like, oh, I'm going to bed, I'll listen to Dom's over and over.
01:05:55.000I will go this far, is that I've become friends with the majority of people that are regulars on this podcast, through this podcast, like Joey Diaz, Duncan, Brian, Ari.
01:12:05.000The weirdest thing about our whole society, our whole culture, is in order for it to work the way it is right now, we can go to the store and buy a fucking soda and get in a car and just turn the key and drive it.
01:12:15.000Someone has to do some shit that they don't want to do.
01:12:19.000Someone's got to take it on the chin every fucking morning.
01:12:22.000I mean, you've got to recognize that unless they can figure out how to make robots that do everything, And even that, are you really going to find a guy that wants to program that robot to do everything?
01:12:32.000Or is it going to be a job that he has to do?
01:13:52.000The grossest thing is when you're making comedy and you get the notes.
01:13:56.000It was way easier for me to have a bunch of people that have a bunch of different opinions on how something should be done on Fear Factor than it would be if they were trying to deconstruct my stand-up.
01:14:07.000Have you done a Comedy Central special?
01:14:10.000Did you have to go over your material with them?
01:18:32.000I wish I'd done that, because I'd made a bunch of enemies, like, starting in comedy, because I was like, I signed a six-figure development deal, and everyone's like, but you worked the door, and I was like, I know, isn't that crazy?
01:24:21.000When a guy responds like that, exactly, that's how they did it.
01:24:24.000But when a guy responds like that, there's only one reason, man.
01:24:26.000I mean, psychologically speaking, why would you be so Adamant about the idea that this guy wasn't a thief and that you never heard those jokes before.
01:25:06.000There was people that we voted for that didn't get in and people that we didn't vote for that got in.
01:25:10.000They had decided the producers all got together and decided how to how to put people on no I remember I did last coming to remember Drew Carey walked off It was a judge and who else did matter because of Dan Aderman Dan Aderman is a very funny comic and he should have won, but he just wasn't castable like He wasn't one of the guys they were looking for.
01:25:31.000They're ideas of who's castable and who's not.
01:25:33.000You know, it's so funny whenever you get a bunch of people, like, I'm so used to doing the podcast where there's no one telling us what to do, but to watch, like, Dave Attell do a show yesterday, and the guy's like, can you sit up?
01:27:50.000Because we found, and you'll find it too when you watch it, the company that has paid off the Federales to let them fucking drive these cars 140 miles on open roads.
01:30:34.000If I were to have filmed it, it would be a little different.
01:30:37.000The majority of people you know, when you're in a car, you're filming, you use your iPhone, you're steering, you're doing all this shit.
01:30:43.000When you're going around a corner, he was really good with making sure he caught every single thing that happened while he's driving and filming.
01:30:51.000It was just too good of like, okay, yeah, you got the money shot.
01:30:55.000Where in reality, it was probably like this phone would be flopping around looking at fucking ceilings and shit.
01:31:02.000And it's like you kind of forget that, yes, it's filmed on a shitty camera and it looks realistic, but the money shot was recorded perfectly.
01:31:10.000Everything was recorded a little bit too perfectly.
01:31:12.000And as somebody that does that kind of shit, it's kind of like I know what the reality is.
01:31:18.000If this is just some guy filming it, he would have been filming his girlfriend's crotch.
01:32:30.000I heard you and I want to say that by osmosis, you know, like by listening to you enough, I don't know if you've said this about cars, but I did say this on TV and I definitely, I could hear you in my head saying that the car barked at you.
01:33:51.000As a business, he decided to take all his cars that he wasn't into or not driving, send them to Cancun, pay off the Federales, and you can just take them out for the day.
01:35:32.000And sometimes you don't want to let go of the steering, or you don't want to let go of the gas either.
01:35:37.000Sometimes you have to power oversteer.
01:35:40.000You have to fight it with the throttle.
01:35:43.000You have to keep your foot on the gas, because if it snaps back, if it catches grip, and then while you're already in a turn, you can get fucked.
01:40:04.000So we got the car one time, we're members of a country club called Robinson Ranch.
01:40:08.000Me, Gary, and I think his brother, and a few other people.
01:40:11.000So one time we get in valet, we get into the car, and he just shuts the door, and he looks at me, he goes, Burtzki, how fucking quiet is this car?
01:40:52.000So one time we decide, we do the X show, we wrap on Thursday, and we decide, we go to Formosa and have drinks, and I say to Gary, I go, we should go to Vegas.
01:41:59.000And we wait for like 15 minutes and all of a sudden Gary Valentine shows up.
01:42:03.000He shows up, he's got his bags, he's holding them in his hands, he opens the backseat door, like the middle, opens, hops in and he goes, where's Burton?
01:42:16.000And then he goes, and I'll tell you why he shouldn't be a comic anymore, because he's not fucking funny.
01:42:20.000And as we drive, we're pulling out, and I see Mike Burton sit up in the way back, and Gary talks for like 10 fucking minutes, just talks shit about...
01:43:54.000They show you correct applications of techniques in self-defense situations as opposed to just doing jiu-jitsu or just doing kickboxing or something along those lines.
01:44:03.000It's more applicable to getting attacked.
01:44:06.000Yeah, but it's all the basic techniques of all the effective martial arts.
01:44:11.000They go over chokeholds, they go over arm locks, they go over all sorts of different...
01:44:28.000Which is, you know, there's room for that.
01:44:30.000I'm personally of the school that, you know, like people say, like, I've had these arguments with the so-called, like, street defense people, and they're like, what we learn is how to defend yourself on the street.
01:44:41.000You know, there's no rules on the street.
01:44:44.000And in the mixed martial arts dojo, you know, there's rules, and that's all well and good.
01:44:48.000We appreciate the discipline, but there's no rules on the street.
01:44:54.000So they try to bite you and grab your balls or something like that.
01:44:58.000But my take has always been that the most effective techniques aren't the techniques that work on people who don't know what they're doing.
01:45:05.000And all the techniques, almost all of them, that you see in so-called self-defense courses, they only work if people don't know what they're doing.
01:45:12.000Like all the grabbing hands and pulling.
01:45:51.000Don't learn how to deal with some dude pulling out your keys and going for his eyes, because most likely he'll knock you the fuck out before you get close enough to do that.
01:45:59.000Learn how to do what works on killers.
01:46:10.000I think if you want to learn jiu-jitsu, you should learn the type of jiu-jitsu where you know if you get a hold of someone, it doesn't matter.
01:46:30.000You don't ever get that if you're in a self-defense course.
01:46:32.000Because first of all, you're not going to have the amount of proficiency in doing these techniques like knee breaks and attacks to the groin.
01:46:39.000Because you're not really doing them full blast in training against people who are resisting.
01:46:43.000So a lot of what you're doing, you're drilling repetition and you might get better at completing those movements.
01:46:47.000But the odds of you doing it on a guy who knows how to fight is pretty fucking small.
01:47:47.000First of all, there's knives and guns and gangs and sticks.
01:47:51.000And, you know, you can always get hurt.
01:47:53.000The idea that you're invulnerable now and you can just walk through any bad neighborhood is crazy.
01:47:57.000But you certainly have less apprehensions because you know that you've reached a physical proficiency when it comes to defending yourself that very few people have ever reached.
01:48:08.000So if some shit goes down, most likely you're going to be fine.
01:48:11.000Most likely this guy's in for some horrible, rude awakening, which most people don't know how to fight are into.
01:48:17.000If they get in there with a guy who knows how to fight, they're in for a terrifying awakening of what's the difference between someone who spends zero time training how to fight and someone who's dedicated a lifetime of doing it.
01:49:29.000There's a desire that all that shit can be erased in the gym.
01:49:33.000And when you erase it in the gym, you deal with yourself on an even playing field instead of being overwhelmed by road rage or overwhelmed by disappointment in your own personal life and existence and whatever frustrations that have been building inside of you, percolating, fucking up your physical existence because the moment you're in any interaction, you're acting unbalanced.
01:49:53.000Walking down the street on the curb just staring at cars.