The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #220 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:02.000 Shazam.

00:00:03.000 And we go live.

00:00:04.000 And then things are crackling.

00:00:06.000 And then people are talking and everybody's listening. 1.00

00:00:09.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:00:10.000 No one's telling us what to say. 1.00

00:00:11.000 We could just do it.

00:00:13.000 Alright.

00:00:14.000 Have we started?

00:00:14.000 Right now.

00:00:15.000 We're starting right now.

00:00:16.000 Just for a second.

00:00:17.000 Have we started?

00:00:18.000 Right now.

00:00:18.000 We're starting.

00:00:21.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:25.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and then use the code name ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off.

00:00:35.000 So you will not just shoot your little loads that you're trying to get rid of. 0.99

00:00:39.000 You'll save yourself a little bit of money.

00:00:42.000 I used mine the other day.

00:00:43.000 Remember I told you, you said save it for the podcast. 0.99

00:00:45.000 I just was sitting in my man cave and I was like, I think I'm going to fuck my flashlight. 0.99

00:00:48.000 Wow. 0.99

00:00:49.000 And I looked at it and it was just sitting there like, what are you doing?

00:00:52.000 I was like, what are you doing?

00:00:54.000 It was such a neat...

00:00:56.000 That's the thing.

00:00:57.000 Enjoy it.

00:00:58.000 When you take it on the road with you for a weekend, you feel like it's a horror.

00:01:01.000 Do you take it on the road with you?

00:01:02.000 I have.

00:01:03.000 I have. 1.00

00:01:03.000 And just fuck it like a Chechen whore at the bottom of a coal mine. 1.00

00:01:07.000 Just fucking... 1.00

00:01:08.000 That was a great analogy. 1.00

00:01:11.000 Yeah, it was great.

00:01:11.000 It's a little too good.

00:01:13.000 I don't think women are very comfortable with it. 1.00

00:01:15.000 It's a little too effective.

00:01:17.000 And, by the way, this is just the beginning.

00:01:20.000 I mean, technology's gonna improve, right?

00:01:21.000 200 years ago, we didn't have a car.

00:01:23.000 And now we have a flashlight.

00:01:24.000 What would this be the technology of Fleshlight, do you think? 0.99

00:01:26.000 It's a robot fuck doll. 1.00

00:01:27.000 You think? 1.00

00:01:28.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

00:01:29.000 It's going to be something that acts like the hottest porn star alive, but only exists to fuck. 1.00

00:01:36.000 You know, like you shut it off, but when you turn it on, it looks like a person who wants to fuck. 0.99

00:01:40.000 I mean, it's really creepy to us, but we have to assume that we're not a perfect being. 0.97

00:01:48.000 The human being is not perfect, right?

00:01:50.000 Not at all.

00:01:51.000 It's not done being evolved.

00:01:52.000 It's just a step along the way, just like monkeys are a step along the way, just like turtles are a step along the way.

00:01:58.000 This thing is still trying to advance and improve, right?

00:02:02.000 So, you've got to accept the fact that that's a part of the equation.

00:02:06.000 Part of the equation is we're going to duplicate...

00:02:09.000 I forgot this analogy was about jacking off!

00:02:12.000 Yeah, we're going to duplicate bodies. 1.00

00:02:13.000 We're going to duplicate them and fuck them. 1.00

00:02:17.000 Sometimes you don't want all the extra hassle that comes with dealing with a person. 1.00

00:02:23.000 You just want to be able to get rid of some loads.

00:02:26.000 And if you could have a fake person that could even make out with you and stuff, like a fake person...

00:02:33.000 It's creepy, though, because the idea is like, well, what is that?

00:02:36.000 Is this Blade Runner?

00:02:37.000 Is this some sort of human slavery?

00:02:41.000 Do you really wish you had a real person?

00:02:43.000 What if this inspires people to actually get real slaves?

00:02:46.000 The dude had that.

00:02:47.000 That guy had that girl trapped under his bed, and he was married.

00:02:50.000 He made her sleep under his bed.

00:02:52.000 Have you ever seen that thing?

00:02:53.000 Yeah, where was that? 0.98

00:02:54.000 Where the fuck was that? 1.00

00:02:55.000 Until she was like 18, and she could go to the mall with him and shit, and then she slept under the bed, and they just fucking did crazy shit to her. 1.00

00:03:01.000 Wow. 1.00

00:03:02.000 But it's that Stockholm Syndrome.

00:03:05.000 Is that right?

00:03:06.000 Stockholm Syndrome?

00:03:06.000 Where you believe that your captor is helping you out.

00:03:10.000 So I've been in relationships like that. 0.99

00:03:13.000 The robot fuck girl will start off with a mouth, and then as technology gets better, the mouth will get smaller and smaller and smaller, and then it will be no mouth. 1.00

00:03:21.000 Why would you say that? 1.00

00:03:22.000 Because she can talk? 0.93

00:03:24.000 I think Brian's going through some issues in this current relationship.

00:03:29.000 No.

00:03:31.000 Anyway, we're also brought to you by Onnit.com, makers of AlphaBrain, TroomTech, Immune, TroomTech Sport, and New Mood.

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00:04:23.000 What nootropic is, N-O-O-T-R-O-P-I-C. Google that and read some information because it's a very controversial subject.

00:04:32.000 I believe in nootropics.

00:04:33.000 I'm a big believer in vitamins and supplements and eating healthy.

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00:04:57.000 And we also make sure that there is a 100% money back guarantee on your first order of 30. We need like a cough button or some shit. 0.98

00:05:05.000 I just turned down my volume. 0.99

00:05:07.000 That was the most aggressive fucking sneeze. 0.98

00:05:09.000 In the UFC I have a button, right? 0.99

00:05:11.000 In the UFC I have like a button.

00:05:12.000 So if I have the sneeze or anything, I'm going to clear my throat, I have a button.

00:05:17.000 We should probably install those things, right?

00:05:20.000 For you.

00:05:21.000 We should just have a signal like you point to me.

00:05:23.000 Or we just sneeze.

00:05:24.000 That's a really good idea.

00:05:25.000 I think we just sneeze.

00:05:26.000 Whatever. 1.00

00:05:27.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:05:28.000 It's a big deal. 1.00

00:05:30.000 Anyway, go to JoeRogan.net.

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00:05:56.000 All right.

00:05:57.000 Hey, can I get some of that shroom tech from you? 1.00

00:05:58.000 Fuck yeah, son. 1.00

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00:06:02.000 That's my alpha brain, too. 1.00

00:06:03.000 Mix it up with the sherbet.

00:06:04.000 We're celebrating Joe Rogan.

00:06:06.000 Powerful Bert Chrysler's here, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

00:06:08.000 Strap the fuck in. 0.99

00:06:10.000 Joe Rogan Podcast. 0.99

00:06:11.000 Check it out.

00:06:12.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:06:14.000 Train by day.

00:06:15.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night.

00:06:17.000 All day.

00:06:18.000 Powerful Bert Kreischer I'm planning mine.

00:06:29.000 I'm going to try to match Nick Diaz on the biggest stage possible.

00:06:34.000 Like, whether it be Letterman, like, just slide it in.

00:06:37.000 But I want to make it awkward.

00:06:39.000 Like, Joe Rogan Podcast, but hey, Nick Diaz at night!

00:06:42.000 I mean, never mind! 1.00

00:06:43.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

00:06:45.000 Nick Diaz at night! 1.00

00:06:46.000 Man, fucking KLL Sonnen? 1.00

00:06:49.000 That dude is a motherfucker! 1.00

00:06:51.000 I fucking... 1.00

00:06:52.000 That guy's... 1.00

00:06:53.000 I've never been sold to an entity...

00:06:56.000 Yeah.

00:06:56.000 He could lead me into war.

00:06:57.000 He's a fascinating dude.

00:06:59.000 He really is a fascinating guy.

00:07:00.000 You know when it was really intense when he was talking about how he was willing to fight him in Brazil?

00:07:06.000 Yes!

00:07:06.000 And that he knew that if he beat him in Brazil in front of 80,000 people, they were going to want his head.

00:07:13.000 What did he say about the Brazilians? 1.00

00:07:15.000 Well, you know, I mean, he said a lot of shit. 0.99

00:07:18.000 He's insulted Noguera, who's, you know, who's Anderson Silva's jiu-jitsu trainer and a famous mixed martial arts fighter, a former pride champion, and one of the all-time greats. 0.99

00:07:32.000 It's like, it would be like insulting Muhammad Ali or something along those lines, or insulting, no, I wouldn't say Muhammad Ali.

00:07:37.000 Sugar Ray Leonard or something.

00:07:39.000 You know what I mean?

00:07:39.000 It's like...

00:07:40.000 Yeah.

00:07:40.000 Because he's not like a political figure.

00:07:42.000 Did you hear your Patrice O'Neill's joke about Michael J. Fox?

00:07:45.000 No.

00:07:46.000 That was my favorite.

00:07:47.000 I'm watching Michael J. Fox on a news conference about Parkinson's and this motherfucker's trying to out-shake the champ! 1.00

00:07:55.000 How you gonna out-shake the champ? 0.99

00:07:56.000 Muhammad's trying to catch up! 1.00

00:07:58.000 And he's like, I got you, Muhammad! 0.99

00:07:59.000 Oh, no. 1.00

00:07:59.000 Fucking Patrice was a genius. 1.00

00:08:01.000 Oh, he was so funny. 1.00

00:08:02.000 God, he was a fucking funny motherfucker. 1.00

00:08:03.000 So anyway, back to Chael Sonnen. 1.00

00:08:05.000 He was so funny.

00:08:06.000 Here you go, Brian.

00:08:08.000 Chilson, he insulted Minotauro Nogueira, who, like I said, is a great champion. 0.99

00:08:13.000 In Brazil, he's a fucking hero. 0.99

00:08:16.000 He insulted his jiu-jitsu. 1.00

00:08:19.000 It was a lot of negative things that he said about Brazilians. 1.00

00:08:25.000 And so they fucking hate him. 0.99

00:08:27.000 And people don't realize how nationalistic Brazilians are, man. 0.99

00:08:32.000 I got that from that podcast that I was like...

00:08:34.000 They take it to the next level. 0.95

00:08:36.000 I've never been in a crowd that's so nationalistic, that so wanted the Brazilian fighters to win and fucking hated when the foreign fighters won. 0.92

00:08:45.000 Really? 0.81

00:08:46.000 Yeah, only one foreign fighter won.

00:08:47.000 Mike Kyle was the only guy who won that night. 0.99

00:08:49.000 And there were some fucking scraps. 0.98

00:08:52.000 I'm telling you, the energy in the crowd is just so intense. 0.99

00:08:55.000 They love fighting in Brazil. 0.99

00:08:58.000 They fucking love it, man. 0.99

00:08:59.000 But very respectful people. 0.99

00:09:01.000 Very nice people.

00:09:02.000 Very friendly.

00:09:03.000 It's not like there's a bunch of thugs going around.

00:09:06.000 Everywhere you go, people are pretty chilled and laid back.

00:09:08.000 It's a beautiful country.

00:09:09.000 I'd like to go.

00:09:10.000 It's great.

00:09:12.000 Probably never going to happen.

00:09:14.000 You can go with me.

00:09:15.000 You want to go with me? 1.00

00:09:16.000 Fucking in. 0.99

00:09:17.000 Okay. 1.00

00:09:17.000 I'm done. 1.00

00:09:18.000 Why do you think it's not going to happen? 1.00

00:09:19.000 You travel like every fucking week. 0.99

00:09:20.000 You're about to go to Scotland. 0.99

00:09:21.000 There's a UFC in Brazil in June.

00:09:23.000 I'm in.

00:09:24.000 I'll take you with me.

00:09:24.000 I'm in.

00:09:25.000 If it fits in my fucking schedule. 1.00

00:09:26.000 My schedule is chaotic. 1.00

00:09:28.000 All right.

00:09:28.000 We'll see.

00:09:29.000 Yeah.

00:09:29.000 I'm in.

00:09:30.000 I'd love to do that. 0.99

00:09:31.000 I'd love to go to fucking Brazil. 0.99

00:09:32.000 Do you know how fucking wild that would get? 0.99

00:09:33.000 You know what it's crazy, man, when you just look out over the ocean? 0.96

00:09:37.000 The view that they have, especially in Rio, they're so connected to nature.

00:09:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:46.000 They're completely connected to nature.

00:09:49.000 When you look at how Rio is with the favelas and the hills and the city at the bottom and the oceans right there, and the way you look at it, it's like, man, they're constantly reminded by nature.

00:10:01.000 You know, that's something that a lot of places in America just don't have.

00:10:04.000 New York doesn't really have that.

00:10:05.000 You see mostly buildings. 1.00

00:10:07.000 You see mostly shit that we made. 1.00

00:10:09.000 There's something about being in the presence of something like mountains and ocean where it just makes you go, shit. 1.00

00:10:16.000 Or even just, like, wind. 0.98

00:10:18.000 Like, I went to the top of Mount Washington, and the winds were like 110 miles an hour.

00:10:22.000 And you were up there, and you literally... 1.00

00:10:25.000 Man, my heart sunk out of my asshole. 1.00

00:10:27.000 I was like, I could be lifted off this mountain by God. 1.00

00:10:29.000 Just, see ya, Bert! 0.98

00:10:31.000 Dude, could you fucking imagine? 0.98

00:10:32.000 That's happened before. 0.99

00:10:33.000 People have been taken off the sides of cliffs. 1.00

00:10:35.000 Fuck yes! 1.00

00:10:35.000 Fuck yeah, they have. 1.00

00:10:36.000 Dude, cars get tripped over by wind. 1.00

00:10:39.000 Wait, hold on.

00:10:41.000 So what you're telling me, when I'm driving on the street and I feel my car getting pushed by wind...

00:10:44.000 It's totally possible.

00:10:45.000 ...that there are cars that have...

00:10:46.000 Because I always go, it'll never happen.

00:10:48.000 And huge storms, of course.

00:10:50.000 Semis, awesome.

00:10:51.000 Hurricanes, yeah.

00:10:52.000 Well, you know, in Dallas, the last tornado, man, there were...

00:10:55.000 There were semis that were flying in the air.

00:10:58.000 You didn't see that?

00:10:59.000 No, I did not.

00:10:59.000 Oh my god.

00:11:00.000 Dude, that was just this year.

00:11:01.000 This year in Dallas.

00:11:03.000 Have you seen it?

00:11:04.000 Pull up the video, man. 0.99

00:11:05.000 You've got to show it to them because it's just so fucked up. 1.00

00:11:06.000 I have a video of a fucking... 1.00

00:11:07.000 It's so hard to look at. 0.99

00:11:09.000 It's just...

00:11:09.000 You try to wrap your mind around something that could take a semi and float it in the air.

00:11:16.000 Something that you can't see.

00:11:17.000 An 18-wheeler truck.

00:11:19.000 It's invisible. 0.99

00:11:20.000 And it's floating this fucking semi in the air. 1.00

00:11:23.000 And the only reason why it's visible at all is because it's got a swarm of shit that it's carrying. 1.00

00:11:28.000 It's circling around. 1.00

00:11:30.000 It's got a swarm of shit inside of it. 1.00

00:11:32.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:11:33.000 God damn it, that's scary! 1.00

00:11:35.000 What do you do in that situation? 0.99

00:11:36.000 You get pulled up in the wind.

00:11:37.000 Is there anything scarier than seeing that funnel cloud?

00:11:40.000 Just knowing there's nothing that can stop it.

00:11:43.000 But that thought where you go, there's no way this is going to get me.

00:11:47.000 Look at that, dude.

00:11:49.000 Can you see that? 1.00

00:11:51.000 That's a fucking semi! 1.00

00:11:52.000 That's a fucking semi! 1.00

00:11:54.000 Several semis, bro. 1.00

00:11:57.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 1.00

00:12:03.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 1.00

00:12:04.000 Oh my god! 1.00

00:12:09.000 Look at that!

00:12:10.000 Those are semis!

00:12:11.000 Semis, dude.

00:12:14.000 Those are 18 wheelers, man. 0.99

00:12:18.000 Look at that! 1.00

00:12:20.000 Holy shit! 1.00

00:12:21.000 There's like three of them. 1.00

00:12:22.000 It's juggling semis.

00:12:25.000 Those are light poles.

00:12:26.000 Those are light poles that are standing up.

00:12:28.000 The semis are like... 1.00

00:12:29.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:12:30.000 Look at that fucking thing, man. 1.00

00:12:35.000 It's so weird that we are so nonchalant about these things, about tornadoes, and living in just even the remote possibility that a tornado might hit your area. 1.00

00:12:49.000 Like, shouldn't you factor that into where you fucking live? 0.96

00:12:52.000 To everything you do. 0.99

00:12:53.000 That should be factored.

00:12:54.000 You should have definite escape plans into a cellar.

00:12:57.000 Like, you shouldn't just be like, well, if it comes, let's just hope.

00:12:59.000 Nope.

00:13:00.000 Did you ever see that Joplin, Missouri footage where they showed the before and after?

00:13:05.000 I believe it was Joplin, Missouri.

00:13:06.000 It was a town that was literally erased.

00:13:10.000 Literally erased.

00:13:11.000 No.

00:13:11.000 The tornadoes come and the scary thing is they can come in the middle of the night, man.

00:13:15.000 They can come in the middle of the night, so you have to have, like, tornado warnings.

00:13:18.000 So someone's gotta be paying attention.

00:13:20.000 And they gotta blow horns. 1.00

00:13:21.000 And then you gotta get in your basement while the monster made out of wind rips your house apart. 1.00

00:13:27.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:13:28.000 Like, dude, they had entire communities just vanished. 1.00

00:13:32.000 They completely vanished.

00:13:34.000 Down to the foundation.

00:13:35.000 From wind!

00:13:37.000 If that was a werewolf that was doing that, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:13:41.000 If there's a bad wolf that wants to huff and puff and blow to your house down, you'd be like, we gotta kill that fucking thing. 1.00

00:13:46.000 We gotta get away from where it lives. 1.00

00:13:49.000 But instead of it being a werewolf, it's a wind monster.

00:13:53.000 And we just sort of accept it. 1.00

00:13:56.000 You live in the path of a fucking werewolf. 1.00

00:13:59.000 It's a wind monster, man. 1.00

00:14:00.000 It's a god.

00:14:01.000 It's Thor.

00:14:02.000 It's ripping houses apart.

00:14:04.000 It's a god.

00:14:05.000 I mean, no wonder why storms, when people were savages, they thought it was the anger of the gods.

00:14:13.000 No wonder why.

00:14:15.000 Could you imagine?

00:14:16.000 You don't know when it's coming.

00:14:16.000 Can you imagine something like Katrina where you don't know when it's coming?

00:14:20.000 Well, maybe it is.

00:14:21.000 Maybe it's a reaction.

00:14:23.000 Maybe it's a reaction...

00:14:24.000 Of us being disrespectful.

00:14:26.000 Well, it's maybe a reaction just to the biological, the sheer size of the biological entities of the human race.

00:14:33.000 You know, the massive amount of waste that we put out.

00:14:35.000 And if that makes global warming, and if that really does pick up the intensity of storms... 0.99

00:14:40.000 I know all that shit's debated. 0.97

00:14:41.000 I don't know if that's true or not. 0.98

00:14:44.000 People have tried to make that connection between human beings, global warming, and the acceleration of these big storms, but I don't know where the status of that is, so I don't want to speak to that.

00:14:54.000 It's negative energy all collected.

00:14:56.000 But how weird would it be if we found out it was true? 0.76

00:14:59.000 If we found out that once people get to a certain fever pitch, you know, the earth just has a response of these big gusts of wind monsters to sort of like shut everybody the fuck up. 0.93

00:15:10.000 Why is it so fucking warm over here? 0.95

00:15:13.000 If we were all hippies, it would just be sunny everywhere. 0.93

00:15:15.000 Sunny and beautiful.

00:15:17.000 Yeah.

00:15:17.000 Can you imagine if that's what it is?

00:15:18.000 It's like God's death squad is the tornadoes.

00:15:21.000 And God just sends them down every now and then. 1.00

00:15:24.000 Please get these cunts off my planet. 1.00

00:15:27.000 And you just hear Joey Diaz going, listen, cocksuckers. 1.00

00:15:30.000 It's just a thing where God created people, but people just figured out how to get way too good at some shit. 1.00

00:15:37.000 Way too quickly. 0.99

00:15:39.000 And it's the race between nature trying to squash us and us trying to transcend being human. 0.99

00:15:45.000 That's a fucking bizarre concept. 0.99

00:15:47.000 It's the race. 1.00

00:15:48.000 It's the race right now. 0.79

00:15:49.000 It's the race.

00:15:50.000 It's between us coming up with some sort of technology that lifts us out of our monkey existence or the earth swallowing us up in a supervolcano.

00:16:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:16:02.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:16:03.000 That's some good champagne. 1.00

00:16:04.000 It's a great champagne. 1.00

00:16:05.000 That's fucking... 1.00

00:16:06.000 What are we celebrating? 1.00

00:16:07.000 We're celebrating...

00:16:08.000 Hold on, hold on.

00:16:08.000 Let's wrap this up because I'm a little...

00:16:10.000 My mind's a little fucking blown. 0.98

00:16:11.000 Okay. 1.00

00:16:12.000 That fucking concept is like... 1.00

00:16:14.000 Is bizarre. 1.00

00:16:16.000 The fucking God is just... 1.00

00:16:18.000 It's ridiculous, really. 1.00

00:16:20.000 It's just weather. 0.95

00:16:21.000 No!

00:16:23.000 Alright, so the reason I bought the champagne...

00:16:26.000 I mean, I just, I'm about to say it, but if nature was a system, and if like, you know, certain things got too high, like human waste, if human waste caused a certain amount of disease, which it does, you know, if things, where we fuck things up, cause a certain amount of death, it's almost like...

00:16:39.000 Cancer was sex. 0.93

00:16:42.000 You lost me, fella. 0.99

00:16:43.000 If you have sex, then that's the planet's way of getting back. 1.00

00:16:48.000 Stop having sex, then you read the fucking Bible. 1.00

00:16:50.000 We're going to make cancer. 1.00

00:16:52.000 So if you stop having... 0.99

00:16:53.000 Never mind, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. 0.99

00:16:57.000 Oh my god, I think I kind of get... 0.99

00:16:59.000 What if it was connected to cancer, the worst thing in the world, connected with the best thing in the world?

00:17:04.000 Kind of like the same kind of karma...

00:17:06.000 See, what happens when you get high is that, this is what I think, is that you have a paragraph in your head that is very well thought out.

00:17:14.000 But all you can piece together are like five words out of that paragraph and your brain scrambles and picks the five best ones. 0.98

00:17:20.000 And the worst is when you're halfway into the paragraph and you go, what the fuck am I even talking about? 0.98

00:17:26.000 It is the worst. 0.98

00:17:27.000 That's what you used to say.

00:17:28.000 You would cut that out if it was a normal thing.

00:17:30.000 Yeah, it was a normal thing.

00:17:34.000 You know how awesome I would look and you would look and we would all look if we edited all these things in the best hour?

00:17:40.000 Wait, wait, wait!

00:17:41.000 Definitely you, Brian!

00:17:43.000 Definitely you!

00:17:45.000 And Brad's like, edit that, edit that, edit that.

00:17:47.000 Oh, God.

00:17:48.000 Edit that, edit that. 0.96

00:17:49.000 I fucking, those best of the Brian clips on YouTube made me laugh so fucking hard. 0.92

00:17:54.000 Because there's something, I'm very similar to Brian in a lot of ways, is that, like, I think we're both very childish. 0.99

00:18:00.000 We both have, like, a very child heart.

00:18:02.000 And so I hear some of those things, and I can tell when he's trying to be funny, I can tell when he's trying to be serious. 0.97

00:18:07.000 I fucking laughed. 0.96

00:18:08.000 In a hotel room bed for an hour just watching it over and over again. 1.00

00:18:13.000 Yeah, it was pretty ridiculous. 0.58

00:18:15.000 If you call out all the best moments, you know. 0.67

00:18:19.000 The best, my favorite one is when he goes, my dad has magic glasses.

00:18:22.000 You can see. 1.00

00:18:23.000 One can see up close and one, and then I'm listening and I go, they're called bifocals, asshole! 1.00

00:18:29.000 Benjamin Franklin had them business. 0.98

00:18:31.000 My dad, when I was back in Ohio, bought one of those things where it's a belt that goes around really, really fast, and it has these metal prongs that just hover over the belt, the rubber belt, so it collects electricity.

00:18:45.000 And then you put this little dome on it, and the electricity then collects inside the dome, and it gets off, I think it's 20,000...

00:18:54.000 Volts of electricity it makes or something like that.

00:18:56.000 This is a quiz?

00:18:58.000 And so he's showing this to me and he's like, this is what he's doing on his free time.

00:19:04.000 He's like, look, he has all these batteries lined up and these wires.

00:19:07.000 He's like, I'm trying to have the electricity conduct and copper wires.

00:19:11.000 And he's explaining this whole, and he's like, if I could figure this out, we're going to be billionaires.

00:19:16.000 I'm like, what?

00:19:17.000 And then he goes, watch what happens when I turn off the light, and he takes a metal hammer with a rubber thing, and he just holds it out the thing, and the electricity just starts shooting towards the hammer, and in between the part where you pull out nails, like the little V thing, just electricity's going back and forth really, really fast. 0.99

00:19:34.000 I was like, Dad, what the fuck? 0.99

00:19:36.000 You need to start smoking weed, because this is really cool if you're high, just going into this little fucking thing. 1.00

00:19:42.000 But he's got to wear a dome over his head? 0.99

00:19:44.000 No, he just holds onto the rubber of the hammer.

00:19:48.000 Didn't you get your dad baked?

00:19:50.000 Didn't you get your dad high on edibles?

00:19:51.000 No, it was weed pop soda.

00:19:54.000 Weed soda?

00:19:55.000 Yeah, he didn't know.

00:19:56.000 He didn't know?

00:19:57.000 You dosed him?

00:19:58.000 Yeah.

00:19:58.000 Really?

00:19:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:59.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:20:01.000 Dude. 1.00

00:20:02.000 I have it on video also.

00:20:03.000 Why did you dose your dad?

00:20:04.000 Because I wanted him...

00:20:06.000 I wanted to see what would happen.

00:20:08.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:20:09.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

00:20:10.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:20:10.000 And you know what happened? 1.00

00:20:11.000 You know what happened?

00:20:12.000 He became very giggly and laughing and happy and it was really cute and I've never told him about it but...

00:20:21.000 I have it on video.

00:20:23.000 Why wouldn't you tell him?

00:20:25.000 Why wouldn't you tell him?

00:20:26.000 Because, you know, it was like...

00:20:27.000 I don't know.

00:20:28.000 Because he was hanging out at my house in California.

00:20:32.000 He was in town for work.

00:20:34.000 And he was, I only got to see him one night and he was hanging out with us, having us, he's, he likes to drink.

00:20:38.000 He likes to have a couple of drinks.

00:20:39.000 So he was having cocktails.

00:20:40.000 He was kind of having cocktails.

00:20:40.000 Okay, wasn't that in the blue?

00:20:41.000 Right, right.

00:20:42.000 He was having fun. 0.99

00:20:42.000 And then, so we were all sitting around and I think you or somebody gave me a bottle, this huge, don't blame me, bitch. 0.99

00:20:48.000 This huge champagne bottle. 0.99

00:20:49.000 You did it.

00:20:50.000 It looked like a champagne bottle, but it was a pop. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Don't blame me, bitch. 1.00

00:20:54.000 And so I poured a glass and Katie poured a glass and I was like, Dad, do you want some of this? 0.99

00:20:57.000 And I said it kind of like, I don't know if he knows what this is, but he's like, sure, I'll have some of that.

00:21:02.000 And I'm like, okay.

00:21:04.000 And then I just gave it to him.

00:21:05.000 And it started off, you know, my dad was just, you know, talking like he usually does, you know, about how to, you know, break perpetual motion or whatever he always talks about.

00:21:14.000 And then he just became giggly and happy, and it was just like a shitty grin the whole time.

00:21:21.000 Why wouldn't you tell him about this?

00:21:22.000 I don't know.

00:21:23.000 I guess it is like a big...

00:21:25.000 Yeah, but it seems like he enjoyed it.

00:21:27.000 Yeah, I know.

00:21:27.000 It seems like...

00:21:28.000 Yeah, but he has a real job.

00:21:30.000 If he would have got drug tested, he would have got fired from his job. 1.00

00:21:33.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:21:33.000 Why'd you dose up your dad? 1.00

00:21:35.000 Can you imagine he gets drug tested and you're like, I swear, I've never smoked pot in my life! 1.00

00:21:40.000 Well, according to your hair follicles, Mr. Michael, three weeks ago you were higher than fuck. 1.00

00:21:45.000 It was a long time ago. 0.99

00:21:47.000 I could never notice my dad. 0.99

00:21:48.000 My dad would fucking... 0.99

00:21:50.000 I just don't know why you wouldn't just tell him. 0.99

00:21:53.000 I know.

00:21:54.000 I will one day.

00:21:55.000 Listen, this is an unhealthy relationship.

00:21:56.000 When weed becomes legal in Ohio, I will tell.

00:21:58.000 Oh, that's so crazy.

00:22:00.000 Can't imagine my dad high.

00:22:03.000 That's so crazy, dude.

00:22:04.000 Just tell him.

00:22:05.000 I will.

00:22:05.000 Tell him what happened.

00:22:06.000 Or better yet, guys, if you're listening and you know Brian, tell him what happened.

00:22:10.000 No, don't say that.

00:22:11.000 Don't do that.

00:22:12.000 Let me tell him.

00:22:13.000 Let me tell him so I can videotape it at least. 1.00

00:22:16.000 What the fuck did your dad do to you when you were young that you wanted to torture him like this? 0.99

00:22:20.000 He made me look at his inventions and machines for hours and hours on end. 1.00

00:22:25.000 I just sat there and watched...

00:22:27.000 That's what you did with wires.

00:22:29.000 There's a picture of me on an old school computer.

00:22:32.000 I don't know if you've ever seen me tweet it or whatever.

00:22:33.000 I'm just playing on this old, I don't know what it was, machine.

00:22:37.000 That's pretty much what I did. 0.97

00:22:38.000 Every night, I would go downstairs and watch my dad try to invent crazy shit and fix things. 0.97

00:22:45.000 He was one of those guys that you could give him anything and he would fix it. 0.98

00:22:49.000 Anything. 1.00

00:22:50.000 You'd give him a TV, you'd give him a fucking car. 0.99

00:22:52.000 He'll take apart the car and figure out what's wrong with it and rebuild it. 0.99

00:22:55.000 If that part isn't made anymore, Build that part.

00:22:59.000 It's crazy.

00:23:00.000 Sounds like your dad might like meth better.

00:23:02.000 Yeah, I know, right?

00:23:03.000 Meth would be a fun drug for your dad.

00:23:04.000 Adderall.

00:23:05.000 You can make my dad on Adderall?

00:23:07.000 Brian, I reworked the fork. 0.99

00:23:09.000 He might close some shit down, right? 1.00

00:23:11.000 Man, Adderall fucking works. 1.00

00:23:14.000 Like, I love those, like... 0.99

00:23:15.000 This dude got an Adderall and went on a rage.

00:23:18.000 Who did, Brian?

00:23:19.000 Brian went on an Adderall rage.

00:23:21.000 I actually have my dad showing his computer machine.

00:23:23.000 You can hear how he talks. 0.99

00:23:25.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:23:26.000 Oh, I'd love to hear it. 0.99

00:23:26.000 Alright, let's listen to my dad talk about it. 0.99

00:23:30.000 This is him going into his workshop explaining his electricity machine.

00:23:35.000 Should you be giving this stuff out on the air?

00:23:37.000 Sure.

00:23:37.000 I mean, is this like a patent or anything that your dad's working on?

00:23:40.000 This is a Vanitycraft generator.

00:23:46.000 Now this hammer still shocks me, so I use this one with a leather handle.

00:23:50.000 Anything sharp like this, it doesn't spark too.

00:23:53.000 Like a lightning rod, you know?

00:23:55.000 Let me turn the light off.

00:23:57.000 That thing won't probably work in the dark.

00:24:00.000 Oh my god, your dad's like Mr. Science!

00:24:03.000 You have to get your eyes used to the dark.

00:24:09.000 It was so scary because you can't see in the video, but there's like blue lightning bolts flying over.

00:24:14.000 See the glow come over to the hammer?

00:24:18.000 I hear you're uninterested.

00:24:24.000 What people don't understand is this is in the dark, okay?

00:24:28.000 He's showing us this thing.

00:24:29.000 He's got one of those Tesla machines.

00:24:32.000 Yeah, it's something like that.

00:24:33.000 Yeah, so he's got one of those Tesla machines.

00:24:35.000 It's not a big laboratory either.

00:24:37.000 No, it's a little workspace that he built the other day, recently.

00:24:42.000 He built the whole thing.

00:24:43.000 He just, like, tore down, like, the side of his house, like, with a sledgehammer and built this humongous workshop for him.

00:24:49.000 Really?

00:24:50.000 And the other day he was like, I'm going to buy a new car.

00:24:51.000 So he bought a new car.

00:24:52.000 So he extended his garage by two cars.

00:24:55.000 Jesus Christ.

00:24:57.000 Are your parents still married?

00:24:58.000 No, they're divorced.

00:24:59.000 But he's been remarried for, like, I don't know, 15, 20 years or something like that.

00:25:03.000 That's a lot like you, I guess. 0.99

00:25:04.000 You like to figure shit out. 0.97

00:25:07.000 Yeah, he pretty much, if there was computers when he was my age, he would be doing the same thing with computers. 0.79

00:25:12.000 Do you think that your creativity with computers and just your interest from your dad?

00:25:20.000 100%.

00:25:20.000 Really?

00:25:20.000 Wow, that's amazing, isn't it?

00:25:22.000 How that can be translated.

00:25:24.000 You ever met the children of singers who can just naturally sing?

00:25:27.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:25:28.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:25:29.000 My kids are naturally, like I genuinely say, my kids are naturally funny. 1.00

00:25:33.000 Really?

00:25:34.000 Oh, 100%.

00:25:35.000 Like, my kids are...

00:25:37.000 Like, they make other people laugh.

00:25:40.000 Like...

00:25:40.000 How old are your kids?

00:25:41.000 Five and seven. 0.99

00:25:42.000 And they're fucking funny. 0.97

00:25:44.000 I don't know... 0.99

00:25:44.000 Do you think it's from being around you? 0.99

00:25:46.000 Being around a comic?

00:25:47.000 Or do you think it's genetics?

00:25:49.000 I think two things.

00:25:50.000 I think one is being around me.

00:25:51.000 And I'm constantly light-hearted. 0.98

00:25:53.000 And I always fucking... 0.96

00:25:55.000 My goal for everything is laughter. 0.95

00:25:56.000 About everything.

00:25:58.000 And then I think also that I have a group of friends that run through my house that my kids have been around, and they try to make them laugh.

00:26:04.000 And I think that that takes up to, you know, it's like, look, if you're sitting in a Baptist church, and nothing against Baptist people at all, but if you're sitting in a Baptist church, you're trying to make the Baptist preacher laugh, it's a pretty easy laugh.

00:26:13.000 You don't really, oh, isn't that right?

00:26:15.000 Good job.

00:26:16.000 But it's not like a cultivated sense of humor. 0.99

00:26:19.000 But when you've got Tom Segura sitting on the couch, and he's drinking beers, and my kids are trying to make him laugh, they come up with some funny fucking shit. 0.98

00:26:26.000 My daughter, this is going to sound like a lie because I'm just telling you this. 0.99

00:26:30.000 Yesterday, this is maybe the hardest I've ever laughed at my youngest daughter.

00:26:34.000 My wife is trying to brag on the fact that her and my youngest daughter, who we're having problems with developmentally, she's not retarded, but that sounds horrible too. 1.00

00:26:43.000 Fuck, I shouldn't be talking. 0.99

00:26:45.000 But she's not... 1.00

00:26:48.000 She just, emotionally, she's a very wild kid.

00:26:51.000 She's a spirited child.

00:26:52.000 Okay.

00:26:53.000 So my wife's trying to brag on her to a stranger. 1.00

00:26:56.000 I swear to God right now.

00:26:57.000 Okay.

00:26:58.000 My wife goes, Isla and I have been playing cooties.

00:27:01.000 And this lady, Kathy, is sitting right there.

00:27:03.000 Really?

00:27:04.000 And she goes, yeah.

00:27:04.000 And Isla, what do we say when we lose the turn on cooties?

00:27:08.000 And Isla, without missing a beat, goes, fuck your mother. 1.00

00:27:10.000 And I fucking fell apart laughing. 1.00

00:27:14.000 And my wife goes, no, no, no. 1.00

00:27:15.000 And I'm laughing so hard, Isla's going, fuck your mother. 1.00

00:27:18.000 Fuck your mother. 1.00

00:27:19.000 And Isla goes, no. 1.00

00:27:20.000 My wife's going, no. 1.00

00:27:21.000 We say, gosh darn it. 0.99

00:27:22.000 Gosh darn it. 0.99

00:27:22.000 Dag nub it. 0.99

00:27:23.000 And Isla goes, and then Isla just, then because she knows she's got a laugh, she fucking, everything's fucking mother that day. 1.00

00:27:31.000 Five years old, fuck your mother. 1.00

00:27:33.000 And I swear to you, on both of my children's life, that is exactly what happened. 1.00

00:27:38.000 And Leanne was like, I don't know where she heard that.

00:27:41.000 I was like, someone said it.

00:27:43.000 That's funny, isn't it?

00:27:44.000 That's the big concern amongst people that are raising children, is your kids learning how to swear and swearing, and that being a sign of bad parenting.

00:27:54.000 I'm a horrible parent then. 1.00

00:27:56.000 It's so foolish. 1.00

00:27:58.000 It's so foolish. 0.99

00:28:00.000 The idea that you're going to exclude certain words and that somehow or another this excluding of certain words is going to make people behave differently? 0.98

00:28:09.000 Yeah.

00:28:09.000 Is it really?

00:28:10.000 Cunts are going to be cunts. 0.99

00:28:12.000 It is what it is. 1.00

00:28:15.000 You can't change things by removing fucks. 1.00

00:28:20.000 If little kids say fuck, it's funny. 1.00

00:28:23.000 It's bad if you overfuck. 1.00

00:28:25.000 If you're talking to a guy who's like, this fucking guy with his fucking thing told the fucking guy... 1.00

00:28:29.000 After a while, you're like, dude, you're killing my head. 1.00

00:28:32.000 The way you're communicating is bizarre.

00:28:35.000 It's not comfortable.

00:28:36.000 I'm not receiving your information very comfortably.

00:28:39.000 But just the occasional use of the word that you want to use in the right place, I mean, there's a reason why those words exist.

00:28:46.000 Just because some folks aren't that good at using all the colors to paint with, it doesn't mean that those words should be excluded.

00:28:53.000 So I always get offended when people say that your kids shouldn't swear.

00:28:58.000 Because I'm like, really?

00:28:59.000 When is this going to stop?

00:29:02.000 When is this nonsense of bad words going to stop?

00:29:05.000 Well, if you started off young, then it would never be a big deal.

00:29:09.000 Exactly.

00:29:10.000 There's a reason why in European countries a lot of kids get to drink and smoke.

00:29:14.000 I was just in Italy and they were talking about this.

00:29:17.000 All of them were like, it's not a big deal in our house.

00:29:20.000 I can have wine if I want. 0.99

00:29:21.000 So why would I care about getting fucked up? 0.99

00:29:22.000 They don't have as many issues. 0.99

00:29:23.000 I think a lot of our issues with things that people have, like as far as obsessive compulsive issues or addictive issues, I think it's just a little game that your brain plays.

00:29:32.000 When you can't get something, then you get it, and you shouldn't have it, and then you want it.

00:29:36.000 I think it's just this weird seesaw thing that your brain can play.

00:29:39.000 And part of that, one of the triggers of that, is suppressing people.

00:29:45.000 Look, we all know this.

00:29:47.000 We all knew this growing up.

00:29:49.000 Who were the sluttiest girls? 1.00

00:29:51.000 Catholic school girls. 0.98

00:29:52.000 I was going to say black, but... 0.96

00:29:54.000 When I was growing up, the sluttiest girls were the girls that actually had to go to the Catholic school. 1.00

00:30:03.000 They had to go to all girls' schools. 0.71

00:30:05.000 The academy was where all girls went. 1.00

00:30:07.000 They suppressed the shit out of these girls, man. 1.00

00:30:10.000 They made them wear these little dresses, and they told them to stay away from boys. 0.99

00:30:14.000 And I remember, I dated two different girls that went to Catholic school, and they were both... 1.00

00:30:19.000 Fucking freaks! 1.00

00:30:20.000 And when you're that age, when you get introduced to a freak that way, it blows your fucking mind. 1.00

00:30:25.000 They just couldn't wait to get a hold of some dick because they were just told to stay away, stay away, stay away. 1.00

00:30:30.000 They don't realize what they're creating in those women. 1.00

00:30:33.000 And plus, it's all those savage bloodlines.

00:30:36.000 It's all Irish and Italian and all these people in the Catholic school.

00:30:41.000 Those are savage bloodlines, man.

00:30:42.000 Those are bloodlines of...

00:30:44.000 You know, people that have been cutting people with swords for thousands of years, you know?

00:30:48.000 It's an old European bloodline.

00:30:49.000 Cuban.

00:30:49.000 Ours was Cuban.

00:30:50.000 That was all Catholic girls' schools were Cuban. 0.99

00:30:52.000 Yeah, you're going to keep them away from dick. 0.99

00:30:53.000 Dude, I remember this chick. 1.00

00:30:55.000 How dare you?

00:30:55.000 This chick, Shannon.

00:30:57.000 Ninth grade, start dating her.

00:30:58.000 I go to her house from Academy. 0.99

00:31:00.000 And I go to her house for a date, like, to hang out, and her dad won't let her fucking leave. 0.98

00:31:05.000 So she goes, well, we'll just sit in here, Dad, and watch a movie. 0.97

00:31:07.000 And he goes, well, I'll be in the kitchen, like, a wall away, right? 1.00

00:31:10.000 The second he gets there, she grabs my hand and starts sucking my fingers, and I fucking came in my pants! 1.00

00:31:17.000 She's like, yes! 1.00

00:31:19.000 She sucked your finger and you came in your pants. 1.00

00:31:22.000 And I'm like, because I was fucking, I've been jacking off until then. 1.00

00:31:26.000 I had no concept... 0.99

00:31:28.000 And I remember I made the mistake of telling everyone at school.

00:31:34.000 I'll never forget, I showed up and I told Ty Rodriguez, and I sat down for lunch, and Ty was like, guess who came in his pants? 1.00

00:31:40.000 I was like, oh man, you fucking dick. 0.99

00:31:44.000 And then I think that's where I got my sense of humor, because you have to defend that in a weird way. 1.00

00:31:49.000 You can't be the guy that's a stud.

00:31:50.000 You're the guy that came in his pants. 1.00

00:31:52.000 So by that girl sucking your finger, she gave you a career in comedy? 1.00

00:31:55.000 Probably. 0.99

00:31:56.000 Man, I was cool up until then. 0.99

00:31:59.000 Like, I was fucking stud. 0.98

00:32:01.000 Shannon? 1.00

00:32:01.000 What's her fucking last name? 1.00

00:32:03.000 You gotta find her on Facebook. 1.00

00:32:05.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:32:06.000 There's this girl I used to date that every time after sex, like, when we're spooning, going to bed, like, I always have, like, one arm underneath her head, and the other arm she always wanted me to put in her mouth, like, to suck her thumb. 1.00

00:32:16.000 And so she'd sit there, and I found out that she liked it best after trial and error, that she always liked it better, like, on the nose. 0.58

00:32:22.000 So she would suck my thumb until she fell asleep, and then, like, I would have a grandmother thumb, you know, where it gets all wrinkly, and I'd be like, That's some issues, I think. 0.68

00:32:31.000 I know, but it was hot. 0.96

00:32:32.000 It was hot, dude.

00:32:33.000 It was really hot.

00:32:34.000 It's like, oh, she's my little baby. 1.00

00:32:37.000 Meanwhile, I know your fucking fingernails are not clean. 1.00

00:32:40.000 Oh, she made them clean. 1.00

00:32:41.000 If you looked at my thumb, it was always the cleanest one.

00:32:45.000 Oh, that's so nasty.

00:32:49.000 That's so nasty.

00:32:51.000 And then sometimes we would drink cranberry vodkas or whatever and I would have a stained thumb and it was kind of embarrassed because you can't really wash the stain of the cranberry off of your thumb so you would walk around with a red thumb.

00:33:04.000 Do you know that guy Julian Assange from WikiLeaks, the guy that's in trouble?

00:33:09.000 Can I be honest with you?

00:33:11.000 I don't even know what WikiLeaks is, but I know this story.

00:33:14.000 I don't even know any of this. 0.83

00:33:15.000 What's really crazy is this guy released all these documents, but what they're getting him on, what they're prosecuting him on, is having sex with a girl. 0.98

00:33:23.000 Right. 0.99

00:33:24.000 He had sex with a girl with a condom on. 1.00

00:33:26.000 And then, while they were sleeping together, he apparently stuck it in without a condom and was fucking her without a condom. 1.00

00:33:34.000 And she charged him with, it's like sexual surprise or surprise sex. 0.99

00:33:39.000 Like, for real.

00:33:40.000 That's a real thing?

00:33:41.000 Yeah, I'm not even joking.

00:33:43.000 And this is literally why they're making this guy live in a house arrest and constantly have to check in.

00:33:49.000 I mean, the ball-busting of him for this one thing is extraordinary.

00:33:57.000 It's really confusing how much they're going after this guy.

00:34:00.000 But it's really not about that, of course.

00:34:02.000 It's about the WikiLeaks organization.

00:34:03.000 What's WikiLeaks?

00:34:04.000 WikiLeaks is an organization that got a bunch of documents from someone who's in the army. 0.99

00:34:09.000 And a lot of it was very controversial and just horrible shit. 0.98

00:34:16.000 One of them, they put out a video called Collateral Murder, and it showed these guys that are in these helicopters, these fighter jets, whatever the fuck they were shooting from. 0.99

00:34:29.000 I think it was a helicopter. 0.99

00:34:30.000 And they're shooting on civilians.

00:34:34.000 And they're shooting on, they think that these people have guns, and in fact they have cameras, and they open up on these people. 0.99

00:34:41.000 And they open up on these people that were putting kids in their fucking minivan. 0.97

00:34:46.000 And when they hear that they had kids in the car, They go, well, shouldn't have been bringing kids with them anyway. 0.99

00:34:52.000 That was their response.

00:34:53.000 You shouldn't have been bringing kids. 0.99

00:34:55.000 It's not that we had to cut them down with these fucking.50 caliber rounds. 0.99

00:35:00.000 No, it's that they shouldn't have been bringing the kids in the first place. 0.99

00:35:02.000 What are we going to do?

00:35:03.000 It is what it is.

00:35:04.000 Shouldn't have been bringing kids. 0.88

00:35:06.000 It's like their glee in being able to take these people out like video games.

00:35:11.000 These are U.S. soldiers?

00:35:12.000 Uh-huh.

00:35:13.000 And then they put this video out, and it was really controversial.

00:35:16.000 People were saying it's terrible for morale.

00:35:18.000 It's this, it's that.

00:35:19.000 It shouldn't have been released.

00:35:20.000 And then it turns out that there's a fuckload of documents. 0.98

00:35:24.000 All kinds of shit that they didn't want to have released. 0.97

00:35:26.000 And this kid had gotten a hold of this stuff and passed it off to WikiLeaks. 0.99

00:35:30.000 And this kid is still in solitary confinement.

00:35:32.000 This kid's not Julian Assange.

00:35:34.000 No, no, no.

00:35:34.000 I forget his name.

00:35:37.000 He's a...

00:35:39.000 Avery?

00:35:40.000 What is his name?

00:35:41.000 Let me see.

00:35:42.000 I'll look it up. 0.93

00:35:44.000 So then the US government decided to go after WikiLeaks and then just basically fucking combed through this dude's life.

00:35:50.000 Yeah, Bradley Manning is the guy's name.

00:35:53.000 He's still in...

00:35:55.000 I believe he's in solitary confinement.

00:35:57.000 I think he has been for years. 1.00

00:35:59.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:35:59.000 I think they caught him and they just stuffed him in a cell and that's it. 1.00

00:36:03.000 It's really scary shit. 0.98

00:36:05.000 So wait, Julian Assange is the dude who leaked it Julian Assange is the guy who ran WikiLeaks, and he's the guy who leaked all this information. 0.99

00:36:16.000 Okay.

00:36:16.000 What was really crazy is that after he leaks the information, then this sex charge comes up, and they want to export him out of the country.

00:36:22.000 I think to Norway, when they have these crazy sex laws, like they have different, you know, people have weird laws on rape.

00:36:29.000 There's some feminists that believe, and I've actually read this and had to go back and read it several times just to really wrap my head around whether or not I'd heard them right, then the statement was that they believe that if a woman has been tricked by a man and deceived by a man and talked into having sex, then that's rape. 0.98

00:36:52.000 That's every girl I've ever had sex with. 0.85

00:36:56.000 Every girl. 0.68

00:36:57.000 I mean, isn't that amazing?

00:36:58.000 You should have the right, if you feel deceived after the act, after the voluntary act of intercourse, you should have the right.

00:37:06.000 Like if she just thought you were a good guy? 0.75

00:37:08.000 I mean, but to call that rape is crazy. 0.82

00:37:11.000 That's insane. 0.86

00:37:11.000 That is deception. 0.86

00:37:12.000 But the sex was voluntary, so it cannot be rape.

00:37:15.000 And just because you feel bad about something that you were coerced into doing that wasn't illegal...

00:37:21.000 Yeah, what if you come really fast?

00:37:23.000 That's my whole point.

00:37:24.000 I told everyone I'd be good at it, and I've never been good at it.

00:37:26.000 But it's not illegal.

00:37:27.000 It's sex. 0.91

00:37:29.000 Rape is illegal. 0.99

00:37:30.000 So you can't make sex rape. 0.97

00:37:33.000 You're turning it into rape. 1.00

00:37:35.000 It wasn't rape. 0.97

00:37:36.000 You were tricked, yes, but it was sex. 0.99

00:37:38.000 You had voluntary sex. 0.98

00:37:41.000 To call that rape, anybody that would even think that that would be an acceptable idea is an anti-human. 0.98

00:37:48.000 That's anti-human.

00:37:49.000 I will go as far to say that I believe, if you have me to put it down, I believe that rape is when a man assaults a woman and makes her have sex when she does not want to.

00:38:04.000 And I do believe there is a gray line where date rape is involved.

00:38:08.000 I do believe there are guys that...

00:38:10.000 That force it, and the woman's saying no, but they do it yes. 1.00

00:38:13.000 And I believe there's also a gray line where women are drunk, too drunk, and guys take advantage of it. 0.55

00:38:17.000 Well, I'm a dude.

00:38:18.000 I've been around dudes my whole life, and I know that's happened.

00:38:20.000 I've had friends that have done that.

00:38:21.000 And as they walk you through the night, you're like, sounds a little rapey to me.

00:38:26.000 But the truth is...

00:38:28.000 As they walk you through the night.

00:38:30.000 Yeah, you're like, you did what?

00:38:32.000 You're like, maybe I should report you.

00:38:34.000 So, but I do believe that, because this is not the subject I ever want to talk about, because it's, like, I went to college when the word rape became flip-floppy, and, like, chicks were saying they got rape when they genuinely didn't.

00:38:50.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:38:51.000 Like, the word rape was a buzzword.

00:38:53.000 And so women were using the word rape, like throwing it out there. 1.00

00:38:57.000 And then I think right after that is when comics got a hold of the word rape, like Sarah Silverman, and made it a joke and took it.

00:39:04.000 That's why I love Sarah, man. 0.99

00:39:05.000 I'll fucking always love that chick. 1.00

00:39:07.000 Because she took things that I think I would joke out about with my friends and as a woman said them on stage. 1.00

00:39:12.000 And I thought, I was like, fucking gangster, dude. 1.00

00:39:14.000 That's the way to fucking roll. 1.00

00:39:15.000 She's definitely a gangster. 1.00

00:39:16.000 She's funny, man.

00:39:18.000 She should be a Supreme Court judge. 1.00

00:39:20.000 Whatever she says is right, that should be it.

00:39:23.000 Like, there are women, I mean, I don't know, what am I talking about? 0.99

00:39:26.000 Well, it's human beings have to have their shit together in order to be able to judge people. 0.99

00:39:30.000 And it's been pretty obvious that the system that they're judging people under right now is just so flawed and fucked up. 0.99

00:39:36.000 And no one's saying that it should all be dismantled. 0.95

00:39:39.000 That's what's going to have to happen.

00:39:41.000 They would have to dismantle the whole system to make anything fair.

00:39:45.000 You know?

00:39:46.000 Supreme Court justice.

00:39:48.000 Supreme Court, period. 1.00

00:39:49.000 All your crazy fucking laws. 1.00

00:39:51.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:39:52.000 Man, I heard... 1.00

00:39:53.000 It's a big honeycomb of bullshit. 1.00

00:39:54.000 I heard Chris Rock say something one time that kind of fucking... 1.00

00:39:58.000 That redefined everything, man. 0.98

00:39:59.000 I've had things redefined for me within the last few months.

00:40:03.000 So big, man.

00:40:04.000 So big.

00:40:05.000 We were talking about ego.

00:40:06.000 My ego is...

00:40:08.000 That concept of ego, I've never understood. 0.98

00:40:11.000 I fucking now understand. 0.98

00:40:13.000 But Chris Rock said something about, was Saturday Night Live racist? 0.99

00:40:16.000 I don't know where I heard it on.

00:40:17.000 And he was saying, no, it's not racist, but there is a shorthand.

00:40:22.000 have that a black and a white guy don't have like two white guys like lauren michael and say chris farley there's a shorthand that they have that a black kid is not born with and when i heard that i went what what do you mean by a shorthand okay like um like uh like you ever got into a meeting with a bunch of white dudes and you just kind of you understand them and like or like when a guy goes uh man how about that fucking ds fight And then all of a sudden you and him have a shorthand. 0.93

00:40:47.000 You go to a meeting and you're like, oh, we have something in common.

00:40:49.000 We can talk without...

00:40:51.000 We know each other without having to guess to know each other.

00:40:54.000 Right. 0.99

00:40:55.000 And dudes love doing shit like that. 0.96

00:40:57.000 That's why they play golf together and stuff, right? 0.96

00:40:58.000 Exactly.

00:40:59.000 And white guys love it more than any...

00:41:01.000 Black guys love it too, but what happens is your shorthand comes from the people you grew up with.

00:41:06.000 I know white dudes who are in fraternities. 0.99

00:41:09.000 I don't even need to fucking say a word to them. 0.99

00:41:11.000 I can tell you what they do. 0.99

00:41:12.000 I can tell you how they act when their cameras aren't on.

00:41:14.000 I can tell you everything about them.

00:41:16.000 But black dudes, my shorthand is based on pretty much the dudes I partied with in New York.

00:41:22.000 I just don't know brothers.

00:41:24.000 I know Godfrey, Artie.

00:41:27.000 Tony Woods, That Night with Tracy Morgan.

00:41:29.000 That's my shorthand.

00:41:31.000 So I see what you're saying.

00:41:32.000 So you're saying that white guys on Saturday Night Live have more connectedness.

00:41:38.000 Right.

00:41:39.000 They all went to Harvard.

00:41:40.000 They all went to college.

00:41:41.000 They're all into comedy.

00:41:42.000 They all had the same comedy upbringing.

00:41:44.000 They all had parents that's probably either divorced.

00:41:48.000 They're part of the system.

00:41:50.000 Lauren Michaels being the head, but Chris Rock was saying, as a kid from Brooklyn, his shorthand wasn't there.

00:41:55.000 So when he met Lauren Michaels, he didn't...

00:41:57.000 He didn't know the, like, I mean, ultimately, you know, it's like when you meet a network executive, I kind of know what to say and what not to say.

00:42:04.000 And I know how to act.

00:42:06.000 I know to wear a college shirt if it's right and I know not to. 0.99

00:42:10.000 Because I'm white and I've had to deal with white men my whole fucking life. 0.99

00:42:14.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

00:42:14.000 Chris Rock never, if he dealt with a white man, I'm guessing this is speculation based on an interview, but it was a cop or a judge. 0.99

00:42:23.000 He never got arrested.

00:42:25.000 But you know what I mean?

00:42:25.000 When he saw white men, it was from a different place.

00:42:28.000 His average black man was like a dad or a friend's dad. 0.98

00:42:31.000 Those guys aren't running Saturday Night Live or running heads of business.

00:42:35.000 That blew me away.

00:42:36.000 That concept of...

00:42:39.000 Of racism not being how people act, but just being, like, as common as a shorthand.

00:42:45.000 Like, you know, like...

00:42:46.000 That's very astute of him, to point it out that way. 1.00

00:42:48.000 Oh, he's a fucking genius, man. 0.99

00:42:49.000 That guy blows me away consistently, because the way he sees life... 0.99

00:42:54.000 Like, I was just hearing...

00:42:55.000 I was talking to one of his contractors...

00:42:56.000 And his contractor was putting a window in his house.

00:43:00.000 Now this is the difference between me and Chris Rock.

00:43:02.000 The window was $20,000 that he was putting in his house.

00:43:04.000 I'm sure I'm not supposed to be talking about this.

00:43:06.000 Why are you doing this?

00:43:07.000 Yeah, why are you doing it?

00:43:07.000 I'm telling you.

00:43:08.000 Your ego is out of control.

00:43:09.000 Is it my ego?

00:43:10.000 Is it?

00:43:11.000 No.

00:43:11.000 Anyway, the window, it's an interesting story.

00:43:13.000 So he puts a window in, and it's $20,000.

00:43:15.000 And the guy goes, hey, look, I'll comp you the window.

00:43:17.000 I'll give you the window if you let me fucking put you on my TV show or whatever and show that I'm doing Chris Rock's house. 1.00

00:43:24.000 Chris Rock's like, man, if I show my family I'm putting in a $20,000 window into a house, they're going to want to stay in that house. 0.98

00:43:30.000 Like, I can't just fucking put that on TV. And I was like, well, I'd fucking put that shit on TV because my ego would come in and be like, fucking... 1.00

00:43:37.000 Bam! 1.00

00:43:38.000 Let's show everyone what I make.

00:43:39.000 Why were you saying before that you're having a problem with your ego?

00:43:42.000 I just am, man.

00:43:43.000 It's genuine.

00:43:45.000 I'm going to ask you to go back probably 15 years and try to connect to yourself then.

00:43:50.000 Okay?

00:43:51.000 Okay.

00:43:52.000 Because you've done a lot of work, I think, on yourself that a lot of people haven't done.

00:43:56.000 So, you know when people just go...

00:43:58.000 When people just say like...

00:43:59.000 They just show up to a bunch of comics and they're like...

00:44:01.000 Everyone's like, hey, what are you up to?

00:44:02.000 And he's like, oh, I got a sitcom on this.

00:44:04.000 I got a sitcom on that.

00:44:05.000 And then you just...

00:44:06.000 I was saying to Brian, you just casually try to slide in what you're doing.

00:44:10.000 Casually.

00:44:11.000 You're like...

00:44:11.000 Oh, that's so cool.

00:44:12.000 I know Brian.

00:44:12.000 Yeah, I'm doing a thing with him.

00:44:14.000 And that, to me, is fucking... 0.99

00:44:18.000 It's so unhealthy. 1.00

00:44:20.000 Like self-bragging.

00:44:22.000 Self-bragging.

00:44:24.000 It's so unhealthy, and it so disconnects your heart.

00:44:28.000 This is what I've been thinking.

00:44:30.000 Disconnects your heart from humanity.

00:44:31.000 Right.

00:44:32.000 What it does is it puts your brain in it, because your brain starts talking to your heart, going, hey, man, we're hurting.

00:44:37.000 And your heart's like, why?

00:44:40.000 He's like, because You heard what he's doing? 1.00

00:44:41.000 He's doing a bunch of shit. 1.00

00:44:42.000 You're not doing shit! 1.00

00:44:43.000 And he's like, well then fucking start talking to me. 1.00

00:44:45.000 So you hear other people talk about the stuff that they're doing and you want to pump yourself up? 0.99

00:44:52.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:44:53.000 You almost have to do a better hand at cards.

00:44:55.000 You try to one-up them.

00:44:56.000 You try to one-up them.

00:44:57.000 I had a conversation recently with a friend and he's a nice guy.

00:45:00.000 He's a comic.

00:45:01.000 And I ran into him and I said, hey, what's up, man?

00:45:04.000 And he just went on this embarrassing run about...

00:45:09.000 Some development deal and this, and if it doesn't go out, I have a buyout.

00:45:14.000 And they've said that this is their number.

00:45:16.000 And I'm like, whoa, really?

00:45:18.000 And then if that doesn't work, I've got to develop.

00:45:22.000 And it just went out.

00:45:23.000 And I'm like, I meant hi.

00:45:25.000 I'm like, good to see you.

00:45:27.000 Are you happy?

00:45:27.000 Because your heart's connected to him.

00:45:30.000 This is going to sound just...

00:45:32.000 Bear with me.

00:45:33.000 Can I get some Celine Dion music in the background?

00:45:34.000 No, stop it.

00:45:35.000 Don't do that.

00:45:36.000 Your heart's connected with him.

00:45:38.000 When you said, how are you doing, you were genuinely asking.

00:45:40.000 See, his head was connected to you.

00:45:42.000 Well, this is Joe Rogan.

00:45:43.000 He's got this going on.

00:45:44.000 I need to prove to him that...

00:45:45.000 See, he probably left that conversation going, that went perfect.

00:45:49.000 I think one of the nicest things...

00:45:51.000 Hey, easy.

00:45:52.000 Do not put Celine Dion.

00:45:53.000 Don't do it. 1.00

00:45:54.000 We'll start fucking kicking your dick under the table. 1.00

00:45:56.000 I like doing a lot of different things. 1.00

00:45:59.000 I don't want to have my whole entire identity connected to one thing.

00:46:03.000 Whether it's one thing in my life, whether it's one thing in what my occupation is.

00:46:09.000 I just think there's a lot to be gained in flexibility and in being able to do a bunch of different things and not having to rely on one.

00:46:20.000 I've been able to not have to define myself. 0.99

00:46:24.000 I do whatever the fuck I do. 0.99

00:46:26.000 I do what I do. 1.00

00:46:27.000 To worry about the world of comedy or worry about the world of MMA, I just do my shit. 0.99

00:46:34.000 That's you and that you are not the average of people. 0.99

00:46:39.000 Yeah, but I think everybody can do it.

00:46:41.000 I think everyone can do it.

00:46:41.000 I totally believe that.

00:46:43.000 I heard you talking.

00:46:44.000 I was in Europe, and I fall asleep.

00:46:47.000 I listen to the show when I sleep.

00:46:48.000 I play it all night long, and I just have it on repeat, so I hear it all night long.

00:46:53.000 It's one of the greatest things. 0.95

00:46:54.000 If you don't already do that, I'm telling you when I say that, it's the greatest way to fucking listen to podcasts, because you... 0.88

00:47:00.000 I feel like you're hanging out with friends and they're in the other room and you're safe. 0.90

00:47:02.000 And I get lonely on the road.

00:47:04.000 It's even better when it's you on the podcast.

00:47:06.000 And you hear, I heard me talking to you and I was like, oh!

00:47:10.000 And I'm in my own dream with you and I'm like, this is awesome!

00:47:13.000 But, there's no, like, I was listening to you talk about ego, destroying ego with drugs, with getting into the tank and getting rid of your ego.

00:47:24.000 And I was like, man, and I started thinking about ego.

00:47:26.000 And I was like, where is my ego? 0.99

00:47:29.000 And then I just saw myself fucking arguing with people. 1.00

00:47:32.000 Like, not arguing, but being argumentative, being difficult, just about ego-based shit. 1.00

00:47:37.000 Like, someone would say, this guy was a great host on this show, my crew. 1.00

00:47:40.000 And I'd be like, in my head, my head's going, fuck that guy. 1.00

00:47:43.000 You're better than him. 1.00

00:47:44.000 But I have not even...

00:47:45.000 Yeah, and so I've been doing a lot of work on my ego and trying to...

00:47:49.000 Like, I did it in front of Ari last night. 1.00

00:47:52.000 Play it. 1.00

00:47:53.000 I'll fucking own this shit. 1.00

00:47:57.000 I saw Ari last night. 1.00

00:47:58.000 When you say you're doing work on your ego, what do you mean?

00:48:01.000 Like, what are you doing? 0.98

00:48:01.000 I'm biting my tongue, and I'm letting myself feel the fucking disgusting feelings when you feel like an innocuous statement is directed at you. 0.98

00:48:12.000 Like, last night, this is a bad example. 0.99

00:48:14.000 I don't even want to fucking use that example. 0.96

00:48:16.000 Never mind. 0.98

00:48:17.000 I'm not going to use that example because that's a fucking really bad example. 0.99

00:48:19.000 But Ari saw me fucking bite my... 0.99

00:48:22.000 I started saying to... 0.99

00:48:23.000 I started to brag.

00:48:24.000 I started to say something to brag.

00:48:26.000 And then I went...

00:48:27.000 I stopped myself out loud and I went, I'm not doing that.

00:48:29.000 And Ari goes, what? 1.00

00:48:30.000 And I go, I'm not saying what I'm about to say because it's a fucking stupid. 1.00

00:48:32.000 This is stupid. 1.00

00:48:34.000 So that's what I'm trying to do. 1.00

00:48:35.000 I'm trying to be more connected to people by my heart and hear what they're saying as a human.

00:48:39.000 Just like when someone goes, hey man, what are you up to?

00:48:42.000 As a comic, you hear that and you're like, what do I have to?

00:48:44.000 I have this going on.

00:48:46.000 I have this going on.

00:48:46.000 Not like, oh, my kids are good.

00:48:48.000 They have a violin recital tomorrow. 1.00

00:48:50.000 Not like real shit. 1.00

00:48:51.000 Right. 1.00

00:48:52.000 Well, I think...

00:48:54.000 As a human being, when you have something that's your occupation or something that you're obsessed with, I think you build up a lot of stress when you're pursuing something.

00:49:04.000 And a lot of that stress can be evacuated physically.

00:49:07.000 And that's what a lot of people aren't aware of.

00:49:10.000 I goof around and talk to people about yoga and goof on yoga people.

00:49:17.000 Yoga is like a brilliant way of managing your emotions and your body.

00:49:23.000 And the idea, the word centered, I hate crystal talk.

00:49:28.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:49:29.000 I hate, you know, well, my yogi, I'm going on a retreat, there's a cleanse. 1.00

00:49:34.000 That's a fucking t-shirt, by the way. 1.00

00:49:36.000 I hate crystal. 1.00

00:49:37.000 I hate crystal talk.

00:49:38.000 It drives me nuts.

00:49:39.000 I hate it when I know that you've accepted this new age ideology.

00:49:46.000 There's a lot of yoga talk that goes along with that.

00:49:49.000 But yoga as a practice is a brilliant practice. 0.96

00:49:52.000 It's fucking hard to do, man. 0.90

00:49:54.000 There's people that think, oh, you're working out? 0.99

00:49:57.000 Oh, you're doing yoga?

00:49:58.000 That's not working out. 1.00

00:49:59.000 The fuck it's not, man. 0.99

00:50:01.000 Yoga's hard. 1.00

00:50:02.000 Some of the worst ass kickings I've ever had in jiu-jitsu was when I did yoga in the morning and then did jiu-jitsu at night. 0.98

00:50:08.000 Yeah, because you're beat. 1.00

00:50:08.000 I'm fucking beat! 1.00

00:50:09.000 You know, and I did it like, I could fucking do yoga in the morning. 0.99

00:50:13.000 I'm not even going to be tired for jiu-jitsu. 1.00

00:50:15.000 Fuck you're not, man. 1.00

00:50:16.000 Some of those poses are really difficult. 1.00

00:50:18.000 And they're designed to, like, wring all the stress out of your body.

00:50:22.000 And they humble you.

00:50:23.000 You walk out of there.

00:50:25.000 When you have to go through physical exertion, physical exertion to the point where your body's failing, that is very humbling.

00:50:32.000 And then when you get a speech at the end, that's what I love about yoga is you get into child's pose where you're just laying there and they talk to you.

00:50:38.000 Man, that changed my life.

00:50:39.000 Really?

00:50:40.000 Yeah.

00:50:40.000 I was in a relationship I wasn't happy with.

00:50:43.000 This was probably 10 years ago.

00:50:45.000 Right before 9-11 or right after.

00:50:46.000 But it's that area.

00:50:48.000 And I was in a relationship I wasn't into.

00:50:50.000 I did not love her.

00:50:51.000 I didn't even like her.

00:50:52.000 And I was drinking a ton. 0.99

00:50:54.000 And I was fucking as fat as I am now. 0.98

00:50:56.000 I mean, I've gotten back. 0.99

00:50:57.000 But I was as fat as I am now. 0.97

00:50:59.000 And one morning I was up and I was just fucking angry and depressed. 0.95

00:51:02.000 At like 6 in the morning my buddy Croy called me. 0.93

00:51:04.000 And he was like, hey, do you want to go to yoga? 0.99

00:51:05.000 And I was like, fuck yoga. 1.00

00:51:06.000 I'm not going to yoga. 1.00

00:51:07.000 He goes, it's a good workout, man.

00:51:08.000 You'll enjoy it.

00:51:09.000 Did yoga at the end of yoga, and I did every pose with integrity.

00:51:12.000 I, like, did them. 0.99

00:51:13.000 I was sweating like a bitch. 1.00

00:51:15.000 Laid down in child's pose, and this dude with fucking sleeved and tattoos, cool motherfucker, like, just walks around in yoga pants, and he's like, what? 1.00

00:51:24.000 And he's talking to Christ. 0.99

00:51:25.000 What do you hate in your life today?

00:51:27.000 What bothers you?

00:51:28.000 And just because I'm exhausted.

00:51:31.000 I'm exhausted.

00:51:32.000 I am tapped out physically. 1.00

00:51:33.000 My brain just went fucking Rachel. 0.99

00:51:35.000 And he goes, you can change that. 0.99

00:51:37.000 And I was like, I can't.

00:51:38.000 It's too hard.

00:51:39.000 And he goes, decide to change that today.

00:51:41.000 Decide to make that decision today and tomorrow will be better.

00:51:44.000 You do that right now.

00:51:45.000 And I was like, I guess I could break up with her.

00:51:47.000 And then I just heard him go, yes, you can.

00:51:49.000 You can do that. 0.99

00:51:49.000 And I was like, I could fucking break up with her. 0.99

00:51:51.000 And like the dumbest thing, I was like, I don't I'm going to fucking break up with her! 1.00

00:51:53.000 I'm going to fucking break up with this bitch! 1.00

00:51:54.000 Fuck this! 1.00

00:51:55.000 And I called her right out of yoga class! 1.00

00:51:56.000 I was like, it's over!

00:51:57.000 And she was like, what?

00:51:58.000 And I was like, we should go to dinner!

00:51:58.000 Let's talk!

00:51:59.000 Click! 0.98

00:51:59.000 But yeah, and I fucking did it! 0.98

00:52:01.000 Were you living with this chick? 0.99

00:52:02.000 No, I was dating her.

00:52:03.000 We were like dated for like a couple years.

00:52:05.000 You weren't living with her?

00:52:06.000 No, no, no. 0.97

00:52:07.000 And so I fucking broke up with her, literally, and I was like... 0.98

00:52:11.000 The whole thing about that one class was like, lose weight, man. 0.99

00:52:14.000 I can lose weight.

00:52:15.000 I just know how to lose weight.

00:52:16.000 You just got to work out like a beast.

00:52:17.000 Eat healthy.

00:52:18.000 That's the way to lose weight. 1.00

00:52:19.000 Fuck a book. 1.00

00:52:20.000 So I started losing weight. 1.00

00:52:21.000 I got down to 185 pounds.

00:52:23.000 Dude, I was a gangster.

00:52:25.000 Brian, if you pull up my Facebook page, on my fan Facebook page, the Burt Kreischer where I'm singing on the...

00:52:31.000 Joe, you'll see this.

00:52:33.000 I guarantee...

00:52:35.000 I'm almost waiting for your reaction of what you think I look like.

00:52:38.000 So you got super healthy. 0.99

00:52:39.000 And fucking met my wife in a good place. 1.00

00:52:41.000 Fucking fell in love. 1.00

00:52:43.000 Changed my life. 0.99

00:52:44.000 I'm the happiest man in the world.

00:52:46.000 And you think it's attributable to that one yoga class, one guy's speech.

00:52:51.000 That one dude, man.

00:52:52.000 Isn't that funny?

00:52:53.000 I hate that expression.

00:52:54.000 The wings of a butterfly can be the first steps.

00:52:59.000 There's many wings, though.

00:52:59.000 It will eventually become a hurricane.

00:53:01.000 Yeah, there's many wings. 0.95

00:53:02.000 I mean, my girlfriend in college also fucked my best friend and gave me the clap. 0.99

00:53:06.000 What? 0.99

00:53:06.000 Yeah, so that's part of... 0.99

00:53:10.000 Talk to me.

00:53:10.000 What is this?

00:53:11.000 She fucked my best friend. 1.00

00:53:11.000 When I was in Russia, she was fucking my best friend. 1.00

00:53:13.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:53:14.000 Who had the biggest dick in the world. 1.00

00:53:16.000 Like, I knew that. 1.00

00:53:17.000 Because she was my best friend. 1.00

00:53:19.000 Wow, your best friend fucked your girlfriend. 1.00

00:53:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:21.000 It happened to me in high school. 1.00

00:53:22.000 And then they went to my graduation, like, with his family.

00:53:27.000 Or with her family.

00:53:28.000 Brian, go to my pictures.

00:53:29.000 I know you're on my Facebook.

00:53:30.000 Go to my pictures on my fan page where I'm singing on top of the Braves.

00:53:34.000 Oh, right.

00:53:36.000 That's it.

00:53:36.000 And you'll see...

00:53:37.000 No, no.

00:53:38.000 That page.

00:53:39.000 And then just scroll through and you'll see one of me shirtless. 0.98

00:53:41.000 That you'll go, are you fucking kidding me? 0.96

00:53:43.000 So this was the wings of the butterfly. 0.99

00:53:46.000 This turned you into...

00:53:47.000 One of the many wings of the butterfly.

00:53:49.000 You know, you have a few. 1.00

00:53:50.000 Uncomfortably dumb. 1.00

00:53:51.000 But this was a big one. 0.99

00:53:52.000 I don't know, Brian.

00:53:55.000 What were your wings?

00:54:00.000 What is my wings?

00:54:02.000 Give me some moments where you went, well, this is what I do from now on. 0.99

00:54:07.000 I'm real good at committing to shit. 0.98

00:54:10.000 If I like to do something, I'm real good at throwing my entire brain at it and becoming obsessed with it. 0.99

00:54:17.000 It's probably not healthy.

00:54:19.000 It's probably a lot of success, I think, and this is my belief about athletics, that a lot of success in athletics comes down to almost like a psychosis.

00:54:30.000 At a real high level, Of anything.

00:54:35.000 There's a certain amount of almost crazy behavior to get to this incredible position like Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali or any elite highlight.

00:54:48.000 Mike Tyson in his prime.

00:54:50.000 There's a madness.

00:54:52.000 And I... From the time that I was a kid, I was involved in martial arts.

00:54:59.000 So it was like a choice that I made when I was like 14 or 15. And that was a choice that I was on until I was like 21. But when I realized that I had to stop fighting and stop teaching and just do comedy, I was talking to a kid.

00:55:16.000 His name was Jonathan.

00:55:17.000 I wish I remembered his last name.

00:55:19.000 We were open-mikers together, about six months into comedy.

00:55:22.000 I was still dabbling in it, and I still had my feet in all my other worlds, trying to find my place.

00:55:28.000 And this dude, who I'd done open mics with for like six months, goes, you were really funny in the beginning, but man, you just kind of petered out after a while.

00:55:37.000 And I was like, wow.

00:55:38.000 And I couldn't even say anything because I knew he was right.

00:55:41.000 Oh, he was accurate?

00:55:43.000 Yeah, I couldn't say anything.

00:55:44.000 I couldn't say anything because in my head... 1.00

00:55:46.000 If someone says, you don't work hard enough, my instinct is always to go, fuck you. 1.00

00:55:52.000 But I know as a person who's... 1.00

00:55:55.000 You know, benefited greatly from very uncomfortable criticisms before. 1.00

00:56:00.000 Like some of the biggest growth moments you can have was where someone just knocks your dick into the dirt and lets you know what the fuck is up. 1.00

00:56:07.000 Great statement. 1.00

00:56:07.000 And then you step back. 1.00

00:56:09.000 And so I recognized early on to, you know, to be able to step back and objectively obsess when challenged like that. 0.94

00:56:15.000 So when that guy said that, I wanted to go, that's a dickhead thing to say.

00:56:20.000 Because, you know, he was my friend.

00:56:21.000 Yeah.

00:56:22.000 But I was like, he's right.

00:56:23.000 So I couldn't say anything.

00:56:25.000 So I said, this is it. 1.00

00:56:26.000 Fuck this. 1.00

00:56:27.000 I'm a fucking professional comedian. 1.00

00:56:29.000 I'm not having one foot in the door. 1.00

00:56:31.000 I closed down my school.

00:56:33.000 I quit my job teaching at BU. Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:56:36.000 Yeah, I was teaching Taekwondo at Boston University, and I had a school in Revere at Nautilus Plus. 1.00

00:56:42.000 That's Bert Kreischer?

00:56:43.000 Sandy Bert Kreischer? 1.00

00:56:44.000 Dude, you're a fucking animal. 1.00

00:56:46.000 Oh, you saw the picture? 1.00

00:56:47.000 You look like a jiu-jitsu student. 0.99

00:56:48.000 Is that not fucking... 1.00

00:56:49.000 That's when I met my wife. 1.00

00:56:50.000 That's incredible, bro.

00:56:51.000 Dude...

00:56:52.000 I can't...

00:56:53.000 Bro, you look like a stud. 0.99

00:56:54.000 You look like you could choke somebody. 1.00

00:56:56.000 I was a fucking monster, man. 1.00

00:56:57.000 I wouldn't let you get double underhooks on me. 1.00

00:56:59.000 Look at you.

00:56:59.000 Look at that.

00:57:00.000 I was a fucking gangster. 1.00

00:57:01.000 If you want to see it, it's on my Facebook fucking... 1.00

00:57:04.000 What's my Facebook page, Brian? 0.99

00:57:06.000 Do you know the...

00:57:07.000 I just don't know the name.

00:57:08.000 Nah, I don't know what the name is.

00:57:09.000 Just type his name.

00:57:10.000 Just go to my Facebook page.

00:57:12.000 Hey, like me while you're there. 0.99

00:57:13.000 Why don't you just put that picture up on your mirror and fucking get up to it? 0.98

00:57:16.000 I'm trying hard. 0.99

00:57:17.000 I'm really trying hard.

00:57:18.000 Dude, you can do that.

00:57:19.000 I'm trying hard, man. 0.99

00:57:20.000 I'm not even fucking around. 0.97

00:57:22.000 I have my Fitbit. 0.97

00:57:24.000 I try to stay around 20,000 steps a day.

00:57:26.000 Oh, that's right.

00:57:27.000 You have that crazy thing you carry around.

00:57:29.000 I got the Fitbit scale.

00:57:30.000 Have you got that yet, Brian?

00:57:31.000 Explain to people if they don't know what the Fitbit is.

00:57:33.000 I want Fitbit. 1.00

00:57:34.000 Fucking money, Fitbit. 0.99

00:57:35.000 Do you hear me? 1.00

00:57:36.000 I talk about this thing all the fucking time. 0.99

00:57:38.000 I don't think they have any money, dude. 0.99

00:57:39.000 It's only you using it.

00:57:40.000 It's me and Brian!

00:57:42.000 And Tom Segura!

00:57:43.000 Yeah, but I bet they're not updating it as much.

00:57:45.000 They're not getting a lot of walkers! 0.99

00:57:46.000 Out of the three of us, we're like fucking paraplegics! 0.99

00:57:49.000 So I got this Fitbit. 1.00

00:57:52.000 This Fitbit is fucking... 0.99

00:57:54.000 It counts your steps, your calories, your flights of stairs as you walk. 0.99

00:57:58.000 It's the best thing.

00:57:59.000 You put it in your pocket, you just walk around with it, and it just keeps you active.

00:58:02.000 It counts your calories at the end of the day.

00:58:03.000 Did you have a butterfly moment that caused you to get a Fitbit?

00:58:08.000 You know what it was?

00:58:09.000 I've got to be dead honest with you.

00:58:11.000 I bought it, and I was like, oh, this is kind of neat.

00:58:14.000 And then I brought it here.

00:58:14.000 I guess I brought it here.

00:58:16.000 Or to the other studios.

00:58:18.000 And I had it, and Brian was like, oh, I'm going to get one.

00:58:20.000 And then Brian got one, and he emailed me, and he was like, hey, I'm following you on Fitbit. 0.94

00:58:24.000 That moment, I was like, fuck, I can't let Brian be here. 0.95

00:58:27.000 And I swear to you, I started like... 0.99

00:58:28.000 And then there was a Death Squad page, I guess, and they were all like fucking... 0.96

00:58:33.000 And I was like, I can't get... 0.95

00:58:34.000 Why don't you guys do this?

00:58:35.000 Would you both be interested in getting in shape?

00:58:38.000 100%.

00:58:39.000 Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, why not?

00:58:41.000 Brian, let me tell you something.

00:58:42.000 I'm going to be really honest, Brian. 0.99

00:58:43.000 If you don't get your life in order now, you're going to fucking pay for it when you're 39. Yeah. 0.99

00:58:49.000 That's only a year away.

00:58:50.000 I know.

00:58:50.000 That's what I'm talking about.

00:58:52.000 Start it today.

00:58:53.000 I'm trying to fix my life health-wise now.

00:58:57.000 Well, that's certainly good because it's going to end.

00:59:01.000 The last years, depending on how much you're poisoning it now, depends on how well it's going to work in the last year. 0.97

00:59:07.000 The poison feels so fucking good. 0.96

00:59:08.000 Which poison feels good for you? 0.97

00:59:10.000 All of them.

00:59:11.000 The alcohol?

00:59:13.000 My drink has been cut back a lot.

00:59:16.000 Yeah, what else?

00:59:17.000 That's it.

00:59:18.000 That's it?

00:59:18.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 People listen to this, Joe.

00:59:20.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

00:59:22.000 You're not a fucking real podcast. 1.00

00:59:24.000 You're fucking this podcast? 1.00

00:59:25.000 Yeah, those other podcasts are pussies. 1.00

00:59:28.000 I can fucking talk. 1.00

00:59:29.000 I can say, I go do some podcasts and I'll be like, fuck, I'll tell you anything you want. 1.00

00:59:32.000 No one's hearing this shit. 1.00

00:59:34.000 I've done podcasts where I've said things. 1.00

00:59:35.000 I was like... 0.99

00:59:36.000 That's fucking bad. 0.99

00:59:37.000 Well, I don't think that. 0.98

00:59:38.000 I think any podcast that gets on the internet, it's gonna...

00:59:40.000 But, you know, in this podcast, you can't back up.

00:59:42.000 Man, I've had panic moments on this podcast. 0.99

00:59:44.000 I've talked about shit, and I'm like... 0.97

00:59:46.000 And then you lay in bed, and you're like, it's not like this is Joe and his friends listening to it. 1.00

00:59:51.000 This is Joe and fucking... 0.99

00:59:53.000 A lot. 1.00

00:59:54.000 Okay.

00:59:55.000 Let's do this, okay?

00:59:56.000 And you just let it swing.

00:59:58.000 Let's do this.

00:59:59.000 Let's celebrate.

01:00:00.000 Do you have another bottle?

01:00:00.000 I thought you were on a diet or something.

01:00:03.000 I'm on a diet.

01:00:03.000 Champagne doesn't count.

01:00:05.000 It's hiding behind the eye.

01:00:06.000 Champagne's like party stuff.

01:00:09.000 It's like party stuff?

01:00:10.000 Yeah.

01:00:10.000 Yeah, it's fun.

01:00:11.000 Girls drink it on Sundays at noon.

01:00:13.000 Oh, okay.

01:00:13.000 Come on.

01:00:14.000 They do.

01:00:15.000 They have mimosas.

01:00:16.000 Yeah.

01:00:18.000 So this is what we're celebrating.

01:00:21.000 Okay.

01:00:21.000 And I say this in connection with what I was just saying.

01:00:24.000 And I've said this to you a number of times.

01:00:26.000 I've said this to you so many times that I have stopped saying it and I've thought it a lot.

01:00:31.000 And it's the reason I don't call sometimes when I want to thank you.

01:00:34.000 But this podcast has been life-changing for a bunch of us.

01:00:38.000 I think a lot of us that have done this have been fantastic.

01:00:42.000 This has been one of the greatest experiences of our lives, of our professional careers.

01:00:46.000 And because of this podcast, your boy...

01:00:52.000 Wrote a book.

01:00:53.000 You wrote a book?

01:00:54.000 I got a book deal, son.

01:00:55.000 Wow, that's awesome.

01:00:56.000 So I got a book deal.

01:00:57.000 It's coming out in a year and it is because of this podcast.

01:01:00.000 Wow.

01:01:00.000 And it is like one of my coolest life achievements ever.

01:01:04.000 It is something I'm so proud of.

01:01:06.000 It is something I will dedicate this next year to more than anything I'm working on that's obviously not like, oh, is that my book editor?

01:01:15.000 We're going, don't talk about it yet.

01:01:17.000 But I got to thank you, man, because I... I got the book deal, and the only reason I ever had an interest in doing a book is because of this podcast.

01:01:25.000 Well, you got a book deal because you're an interesting dude.

01:01:27.000 The only reason I got the meetings.

01:01:29.000 You know this better than anyone.

01:01:31.000 It's because you're you, man.

01:01:31.000 But the meetings showed up because people heard this podcast.

01:01:35.000 I appreciate that.

01:01:36.000 It's beautiful.

01:01:36.000 It's awesome to hear.

01:01:38.000 But it wouldn't have meant anything if you weren't talented.

01:01:41.000 I do see that.

01:01:43.000 I appreciate that. 0.99

01:01:45.000 I've said this to you a number of times, but man, distinctly, the whole reason the whole thing came up is this fucking podcast. 0.90

01:01:53.000 I went to New York and people had heard this podcast and they were like, hey man, I heard that machine story on Joe's podcast. 0.79

01:01:58.000 Can you do a book?

01:01:59.000 And this is from your podcast, that tape got passed to all the book editors.

01:02:04.000 Another way of looking at it is how lucky am I that I get to be on a podcast with guys like you who have such great stories and That make people want to listen again.

01:02:13.000 Because your ego's in check. 0.95

01:02:15.000 That's fucking really sweet of you to say, Joe. 0.99

01:02:16.000 But I will genuinely toast. 0.98

01:02:18.000 It's not that it's sweet of me to say it.

01:02:20.000 It's 100% how I feel.

01:02:21.000 I think we're all real lucky.

01:02:23.000 This podcast has been a lot of fun.

01:02:28.000 We got a connection with people that we never thought would take place.

01:02:33.000 And I respect it.

01:02:35.000 I know Brian respects it.

01:02:36.000 And I know the people that go on the show, they...

01:02:40.000 We're all aware that this is really cool.

01:02:43.000 We're all aware that we have... 0.99

01:02:45.000 It's like the impact of a regular show, and yet you can just film it out of my fucked up office. 0.99

01:02:53.000 It's bizarre. 0.97

01:02:55.000 It's like showing up to San Francisco when the first dude's like...

01:02:59.000 Hey, man, can you guys keep a secret?

01:03:00.000 Yeah, it's fun.

01:03:01.000 You know, and the connection with people. 0.91

01:03:03.000 Look, we did a show last night at the Ice House, and it was fucking amazing. 0.74

01:03:07.000 It's incredible. 0.96

01:03:07.000 The place is packed. 0.96

01:03:09.000 We sold it out on, like, one day's notice.

01:03:12.000 You know, we just said we were going to do a show there. 0.99

01:03:13.000 And it was mobbed with the coolest fucking people. 0.98

01:03:17.000 How badass was that show last night, Brian? 0.99

01:03:19.000 It was fucking awesome. 0.98

01:03:20.000 Amazing. 0.97

01:03:21.000 Best audiences ever.

01:03:22.000 Wednesday night, a late night show, too.

01:03:24.000 We did a 10 p.m.

01:03:24.000 show.

01:03:25.000 Didn't even get started until, like, 10.30.

01:03:27.000 Dude, we're totally changing that whole entire Ice House. 0.99

01:03:30.000 We're bringing that fucking club back. 0.95

01:03:32.000 Because, I mean, a lot of the comics last night said, like Doug Benson, I used to love coming to the Ice House, but then something weird happened, and it started getting kind of different, and it wasn't that fun to go to anymore. 0.98

01:03:44.000 But tonight, that was one of the funnest times ever.

01:03:47.000 These are the best crowds we've ever had ever.

01:03:49.000 It's almost hard to believe.

01:03:52.000 You would assume that...

01:03:54.000 You know, you don't think that people have really different crowds.

01:03:58.000 You don't think that people like, you know what I mean?

01:04:00.000 You feel like, well, Chicago's different than New York, and New York is different than San Francisco.

01:04:04.000 But what's changed recently for us is that everywhere we go, the crowds have been amazing, like really nice people, like really enthusiastic.

01:04:14.000 And you've got to go... 0.98

01:04:15.000 How the fuck does that happen? 0.99

01:04:17.000 Like, how can you pull that off? 0.99

01:04:18.000 Like, what is...

01:04:19.000 No one ever thought that there was a formula for doing that.

01:04:21.000 No one ever thought that there was a formula where you could go and ensure that you would have a huge percentage of the population that kind of thinks along the same way that you think.

01:04:31.000 Be nice to people.

01:04:33.000 Be generous.

01:04:33.000 Be cool to your neighbors.

01:04:35.000 But think about the way you think, though.

01:04:37.000 Can you imagine that you found those people?

01:04:39.000 Like, when you go, hey, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, they found each other. 0.99

01:04:42.000 Well, no shit. 1.00

01:04:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:04:43.000 Like, can you imagine that a bunch of people that are into DMT mushrooms, MMA, fucking spiritual, like, vitamins, being healthy, like, all those people just showed up at once and you're like, shut the fuck up! 1.00

01:04:55.000 Like, and love comedy! 0.99

01:04:56.000 Like, love good fucking friends, good stories, enjoying each other. 0.99

01:05:01.000 Like, there's a camaraderie that is this network. 0.99

01:05:04.000 I think everybody likes good comedy, man. 0.99

01:05:07.000 I think unless you're a cunt, you like good comedy. 0.99

01:05:09.000 Unless you're like, you guys don't funny. 1.00

01:05:11.000 Unless you're one of those assholes. 1.00

01:05:12.000 Some people enjoy comedy that's not good. 1.00

01:05:16.000 Everyone that I've ever heard on your podcast, I don't think there's one exception is a comic that I would fucking pay to see. 0.94

01:05:23.000 Genuinely. 0.92

01:05:24.000 That's a large statement.

01:05:25.000 When you had Dom Herrera, that's like a...

01:05:30.000 He's so awesome.

01:05:30.000 He was on last night.

01:05:31.000 He's not Olympus, but he's like one of the gods that deals with traffic or whatever. 0.99

01:05:35.000 He's one of the fucking 12 gods. 0.97

01:05:37.000 He's a great comic. 0.98

01:05:39.000 His podcast, I listened on repeat when I was in Boston, because I was in Boston, and I was like, oh, I'm going to bed, I'll listen to Dom's over and over.

01:05:46.000 God, man.

01:05:47.000 He was on Tuesday, too.

01:05:49.000 He did Tuesday, too?

01:05:50.000 Yeah, he did Tuesday. 1.00

01:05:51.000 He's a fucking monster, man. 1.00

01:05:52.000 Like, everyone. 1.00

01:05:53.000 He's awesome.

01:05:54.000 You couldn't name one comic.

01:05:55.000 I will go this far, is that I've become friends with the majority of people that are regulars on this podcast, through this podcast, like Joey Diaz, Duncan, Brian, Ari.

01:06:09.000 Those are my friends.

01:06:11.000 And my life has expanded exponentially, friend-wise.

01:06:15.000 Like that, just to have those guys in my life, you know? 1.00

01:06:18.000 To have Duncan at my house the other day in the man cave, we're talking about fucking Duncan shit. 1.00

01:06:23.000 You know how Duncan's brain works? 0.99

01:06:24.000 And you tell him something, and he goes, oh, well, you're thinking it's not that, it's this, and it's from the Carl Jung book.

01:06:29.000 And then you're like, oh, you want a cigar? 1.00

01:06:30.000 And he's like, fuck you, we can't smoke cigars in here? 1.00

01:06:32.000 Let's do it, let's fucking do it! 1.00

01:06:33.000 You know, like I hear his voice in my head sometimes. 0.99

01:06:35.000 And to have Ari and to have all these people in your life, Yeah.

01:06:39.000 Dude, come on.

01:06:40.000 Yeah, we're very fortunate, man.

01:06:42.000 We're all very fortunate.

01:06:43.000 You know, it's been really interesting.

01:06:46.000 It's like I always, you know, we tried to do some stuff before.

01:06:50.000 We did like these little things called Joe Shows where we did videos of everywhere we would go. 0.96

01:06:55.000 You calling out Jenna Jameson about being a whore? 0.98

01:06:58.000 No, I did not. 0.98

01:06:59.000 I wasn't a Joe show.

01:07:02.000 That is not me.

01:07:04.000 Jenna Jameson is nice. 0.98

01:07:05.000 I've never called her out for being a whore. 1.00

01:07:07.000 How dare you? 0.99

01:07:08.000 She's a nice lady. 1.00

01:07:09.000 Where'd you get this from?

01:07:12.000 You're confusing me.

01:07:13.000 No, I swear to God, Joe show.

01:07:14.000 You went into Jenna Jameson on the Joe show, right?

01:07:16.000 No.

01:07:18.000 No, seriously.

01:07:19.000 It was a video of Kevin Jameson. 1.00

01:07:21.000 It was Jenna Jameson explaining to me how to eat pussy. 1.00

01:07:26.000 She's teaching me. 1.00

01:07:27.000 I wasn't calling her out or anything.

01:07:29.000 I don't know.

01:07:30.000 Jenna Jameson's cool.

01:07:31.000 We like Jenna Jameson.

01:07:31.000 Yeah, she's very cool.

01:07:32.000 She's a very nice lady. 0.97

01:07:34.000 You know, she was, not her, but Ginger Lynn was on Dave Attell's show last night.

01:07:41.000 I did Dave Attell's show, Dave's Old Porn. 0.99

01:07:43.000 That's a fucking fun show, man. 0.94

01:07:45.000 Really, have you ever done it? 0.99

01:07:46.000 No.

01:07:47.000 Why do you laugh?

01:07:48.000 You can do it.

01:07:49.000 I can definitely do it, but it's like Dave Attell.

01:07:54.000 He's calling his buddies.

01:07:55.000 He's calling you, Stan Hope.

01:07:56.000 He's calling his friends.

01:07:57.000 He's not going to call.

01:07:57.000 He's not going to do a casting call for it.

01:07:59.000 But I think you would love to do it with any kind of comics.

01:08:02.000 I mean, I'd love to do it with Dave.

01:08:03.000 Don't put yourself down like that.

01:08:05.000 It hurts my feelings when you go down on yourself.

01:08:09.000 Birdie, sweetie.

01:08:10.000 Cue the music.

01:08:10.000 But anyway, you know, just to be sitting there with Dave riffing on guys getting coke dicks, it was really fun.

01:08:16.000 It was really fun.

01:08:17.000 And then Ginger Lynn came on. 1.00

01:08:20.000 She watched her videos.

01:08:22.000 Old school.

01:08:23.000 Yeah, she's one of the originators.

01:08:26.000 The Mount Rushmore porn, she's right up.

01:08:29.000 So if you could do a tour, right?

01:08:32.000 Dream tour.

01:08:32.000 No monies involved.

01:08:34.000 You and three comics.

01:08:36.000 Three of your equals.

01:08:37.000 Not like you can't bring Joey. 0.99

01:08:39.000 Not that Joey's not your equal, but I'm talking like three fucking big name draws. 0.96

01:08:44.000 Who would it be? 0.97

01:08:45.000 I wouldn't do that.

01:08:46.000 But you have to.

01:08:47.000 Let's pretend you have to. 1.00

01:08:49.000 You have a gun pointed at your butthole. 0.99

01:08:50.000 If it's like guys that I would want to work with, I would love to do a tour. 1.00

01:08:55.000 Okay.

01:08:55.000 I would love to do Stan Hope, Norton, me, and who else?

01:08:59.000 Jesus.

01:09:00.000 Joey Diaz. 1.00

01:09:01.000 What a fucking monster show that would be. 0.99

01:09:04.000 Yeah, Attell and I have talked about doing some stuff together. 0.99

01:09:06.000 We should totally do that.

01:09:08.000 Me, Attell, and stand-up would be a lot of fun on the road, too.

01:09:11.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:12.000 Yeah.

01:09:12.000 Well, Louis is way busy, man.

01:09:14.000 He's super successful right now.

01:09:16.000 He's so busy with his own stuff.

01:09:18.000 I don't think he has time to do anything like that.

01:09:19.000 Louis is busy redesigning the entertainment business.

01:09:21.000 Yeah, man. 0.99

01:09:22.000 I mean, the fucking guy produces his own comedy special, changes the whole game. 0.99

01:09:26.000 Everybody, including me, following suit now. 1.00

01:09:29.000 Produces his own fucking show, edits on a laptop, directs it, writes it all. 0.99

01:09:34.000 I mean, I'm not asking that guy to do shit. 1.00

01:09:36.000 I sent him an email, asked him to do the podcast. 0.98

01:09:38.000 He said he would someday when he gets time, but, you know, I'm not pushing it. 0.99

01:09:42.000 That guy's busy as fuck. 0.99

01:09:43.000 I love having a guy like that out there. 0.99

01:09:46.000 I think it's very inspirational. 1.00

01:09:48.000 Fuck, yeah. 1.00

01:09:49.000 He inspires me the most, any comedian. 1.00

01:09:52.000 And not even material-wise.

01:09:54.000 If I had to choose to treat the guy that makes me laugh the hardest, it's Stan Hope. 1.00

01:09:58.000 Stan Hope's new fucking CD before he turns a gun on himself. 0.99

01:10:01.000 It's great. 1.00

01:10:02.000 Maybe.

01:10:04.000 And I'll put this up there. 0.83

01:10:07.000 Patrice's last CD was great, but Patrice's Our Special, Elephant in the Room, was fucking awesome.

01:10:12.000 Yeah, that was really good. 0.95

01:10:13.000 And Stanhope's CD, I bought it myself, I purchased it as a consumer, and I fucking listened to it, and I was laughing out loud.

01:10:21.000 No, it's not what my wife likes, but I had to, I was like, I gotta test her. 0.94

01:10:25.000 I gotta bring her in the room and let her hear this track. 1.00

01:10:27.000 Because it's that fucking funny. 1.00

01:10:28.000 He's a monster. 1.00

01:10:29.000 He's in town right now. 1.00

01:10:30.000 Or he was yesterday.

01:10:32.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:10:33.000 He did Dave's show.

01:10:34.000 I gotta call him out. 1.00

01:10:36.000 He wants to fucking get behind Gary, whatever the fuck his name is. 1.00

01:10:40.000 The guy from New Mexico. 1.00

01:10:41.000 Former governor of New Mexico.

01:10:44.000 Man, there are some Stanhope stories that I tell.

01:10:46.000 You know what's really crazy?

01:10:48.000 I was sitting with a group of... 1.00

01:10:51.000 Shit, this would be... 1.00

01:10:53.000 Oh, I was sitting with a group of chefs. 1.00

01:10:56.000 Gary Johnson, sorry.

01:10:57.000 That's who Stanhope wants to get behind.

01:10:59.000 I was sitting with a group of chefs at a restaurant called Campanilli on La Brea, and they were talking about food.

01:11:06.000 They were talking about this great restaurant on Fairfax called Animal.

01:11:10.000 Have you ever been there?

01:11:10.000 He was just talking about it.

01:11:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:13.000 It's the best.

01:11:14.000 I've never been there.

01:11:14.000 I'd love to go.

01:11:15.000 It's amazing.

01:11:16.000 They have everything.

01:11:17.000 They have veal brains. 0.97

01:11:20.000 It's kind of expensive, though, but...

01:11:22.000 I'd heard it's great.

01:11:23.000 So they're talking about gossip, about food and what good food places are to eat.

01:11:28.000 And then I said to them, I was like, this is really cool.

01:11:30.000 It's like being in the green room of a comedy club and listening to a bunch of headliners talk about what comic I should look out for.

01:11:36.000 And they were like, well, what comic should we look out for? 0.99

01:11:38.000 And I was like, that's a fucking horrible question. 0.60

01:11:40.000 So I don't even know who you guys like. 0.98

01:11:42.000 And one of the guys goes, we love Doug Stanhope.

01:11:45.000 And I was like, I didn't see that coming.

01:11:47.000 Just because they're in the corporate world.

01:11:50.000 You know what I mean?

01:11:50.000 And I was like, really?

01:11:52.000 And they're like, man, his last special.

01:11:53.000 Who likes to be in the corporate world?

01:11:55.000 How many people are in there that are enjoying that?

01:11:58.000 Not a lot.

01:12:00.000 That's just where they're at.

01:12:01.000 They're stuck. 1.00

01:12:02.000 You know, that's a shit existence. 1.00

01:12:05.000 The weirdest thing about our whole society, our whole culture, is in order for it to work the way it is right now, we can go to the store and buy a fucking soda and get in a car and just turn the key and drive it. 1.00

01:12:15.000 Someone has to do some shit that they don't want to do. 0.99

01:12:17.000 They don't want to do. 0.99

01:12:19.000 Everywhere. 1.00

01:12:19.000 Someone's got to take it on the chin every fucking morning. 1.00

01:12:22.000 I mean, you've got to recognize that unless they can figure out how to make robots that do everything, And even that, are you really going to find a guy that wants to program that robot to do everything? 0.98

01:12:32.000 Or is it going to be a job that he has to do? 0.96

01:12:34.000 It sucks.

01:12:35.000 I mean, there's no way that everybody could live the life of Burt Kreischer. 0.98

01:12:38.000 It's not possible.

01:12:40.000 Someone's got to be out there huffing at Burt.

01:12:42.000 Ditches need to be dug.

01:12:45.000 Right?

01:12:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:47.000 Someone's got to dig a fucking ditch. 0.99

01:12:49.000 I mean, I genuinely... 0.99

01:12:52.000 Look up to those guys who build fences sometimes. 0.66

01:12:55.000 I'm not shitting on my existence at all.

01:12:57.000 I'm not saying that I have it hard.

01:12:59.000 But sometimes I do miss my family and I go, man, I don't have a choice.

01:13:02.000 I have to go to Scotland for two weeks.

01:13:04.000 It's a great gig to go to Scotland for two weeks or go to Italy for two weeks back to back with three days off. 0.98

01:13:09.000 But it does suck. 0.89

01:13:11.000 You miss your family. 0.99

01:13:12.000 And some days you look at the guy building the fence and you're like, man, he sees his kids every fucking morning. 0.91

01:13:17.000 And he's like, and no one gives him notes on his fence. 0.91

01:13:20.000 Like, hey man, you gotta like do it this way a little bit.

01:13:24.000 Are you getting that for your show?

01:13:25.000 You get notes on like what to do?

01:13:27.000 Of course, all the time.

01:13:28.000 I mean, yeah.

01:13:28.000 Is it annoying?

01:13:29.000 No, you know what?

01:13:32.000 I should write a book about how to get through the corporate world of television.

01:13:37.000 Like, not famous television, but making television.

01:13:40.000 And just be cool with it.

01:13:41.000 Because I get it, man. 0.94

01:13:42.000 I totally fucking get it. 0.97

01:13:44.000 I get when they go, we need more information. 0.99

01:13:51.000 You're not making comedy, though.

01:13:52.000 The grossest thing is when you're making comedy and you get the notes.

01:13:56.000 It was way easier for me to have a bunch of people that have a bunch of different opinions on how something should be done on Fear Factor than it would be if they were trying to deconstruct my stand-up.

01:14:07.000 Have you done a Comedy Central special?

01:14:10.000 Did you have to go over your material with them?

01:14:12.000 Yeah.

01:14:13.000 Yeah.

01:14:14.000 How'd that go?

01:14:15.000 Not well.

01:14:15.000 I had to do it.

01:14:16.000 I had to do two.

01:14:16.000 The first one I had to do, Pat Buckles.

01:14:19.000 I had to go over it with her.

01:14:20.000 Like, she read it back to me.

01:14:22.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:14:23.000 Fucking. 0.99

01:14:23.000 And I'm about to go on stage and not one laugh. 0.99

01:14:25.000 Like, silence. 1.00

01:14:26.000 Because I'm not going to laugh at my shit. 1.00

01:14:28.000 She doesn't understand it. 1.00

01:14:29.000 Of course.

01:14:30.000 No laugh.

01:14:31.000 Why would she laugh at you? 0.99

01:14:32.000 Yeah, Pat Pebble's a nice person, but she just was like...

01:14:35.000 It's part of the groove, though.

01:14:37.000 I'll never forget.

01:14:38.000 Her first thing was, alright, so let's do it.

01:14:40.000 My name's Bert.

01:14:40.000 I know you're thinking hot, sexy name.

01:14:42.000 Bert, Bert, Bert.

01:14:43.000 Hmm?

01:14:44.000 And I go, yep.

01:14:45.000 She goes, okay. 1.00

01:14:47.000 Where are the bitches at? 1.00

01:14:48.000 Is that you? 1.00

01:14:49.000 I go, yep.

01:14:50.000 Alright. 0.99

01:14:51.000 We're going to take bitches off. 1.00

01:14:51.000 Can you change that? 1.00

01:14:52.000 Sure.

01:14:52.000 Alright.

01:14:53.000 Whoa, she wants to change where the bitch is at? 1.00

01:14:55.000 Just real, like, it was real, like, going through it. 1.00

01:15:00.000 And I was about to go on stage and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? 0.80

01:15:03.000 So you were like, none of that's funny. 0.95

01:15:04.000 And Barry Katz the whole time is arguing behind me going, he wants a lav mic.

01:15:08.000 He wants a lav mic. 0.98

01:15:10.000 I go, no I don't. 1.00

01:15:10.000 I want a fucking microphone in my hand. 1.00

01:15:12.000 He wants a fucking lav mic. 1.00

01:15:13.000 Get him a lav mic. 1.00

01:15:15.000 I go, Barry, I don't want a lav mic. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Bill Bellamy, we're a lav mic. 0.98

01:15:18.000 Can he kill? 1.00

01:15:19.000 What the fuck about Bill Bellamy? 1.00

01:15:21.000 Was Barry Katz your manager at one point? 0.99

01:15:23.000 At the time he was.

01:15:24.000 You fired him too.

01:15:25.000 That's weird.

01:15:26.000 I fired him in an elevator.

01:15:28.000 How many guys have fired him?

01:15:29.000 Dave Chappelle.

01:15:30.000 Was he your manager at one point?

01:15:32.000 No.

01:15:32.000 Didn't he owe you money or something?

01:15:35.000 Yes.

01:15:35.000 He owed me money for a long time.

01:15:39.000 He owned a company that was called New York Comedy or Boston Company.

01:15:45.000 New York Entertainment.

01:15:47.000 They got in a hole and they started owing people money from college gigs.

01:15:51.000 But he paid me eventually.

01:15:54.000 But it took a while.

01:15:55.000 He's not a bad guy.

01:15:56.000 I don't know if I would say that.

01:15:59.000 I'll say it.

01:16:00.000 He's not a bad guy.

01:16:01.000 I definitely am not going to be my manager right now.

01:16:05.000 Everybody's fired him.

01:16:07.000 Who else fired him?

01:16:08.000 Think about Anthony Clark. 0.99

01:16:10.000 His list of being fired is fucking bad. 0.99

01:16:14.000 Dave Chappelle. 0.99

01:16:15.000 Jay still has him, right?

01:16:17.000 Yep.

01:16:17.000 Amazing.

01:16:18.000 Yep.

01:16:19.000 Does Dane still have him?

01:16:20.000 Nope.

01:16:21.000 No.

01:16:21.000 Dane fired him.

01:16:22.000 Whoa.

01:16:23.000 No way.

01:16:23.000 Dude, I tried.

01:16:24.000 Dane Cook fired Barry Katz.

01:16:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:16:27.000 We talked about it.

01:16:28.000 Joe, we talked about it on a podcast.

01:16:29.000 We did?

01:16:30.000 On the Ice House.

01:16:30.000 When Dane came in to talk about...

01:16:32.000 I thought I was thinking about myself.

01:16:35.000 Not paying attention to him at all.

01:16:39.000 I tend to blank out, too, when you start talking about Barry Katz.

01:16:42.000 I just go...

01:16:43.000 You're not a bad guy.

01:16:45.000 The...

01:16:45.000 What were we talking about?

01:16:47.000 Oh, yeah, so that was how I did my Comedy Central special with Barry going, he wants to wear a lav.

01:16:51.000 Why is he doing that?

01:16:53.000 I have no idea.

01:16:54.000 I go... 0.99

01:16:54.000 I get to the fucking... 0.99

01:16:55.000 I tell him a hundred times... 1.00

01:16:57.000 So he just decides that you'll be better off with a lav? 0.99

01:16:59.000 He looks better with a lav.

01:17:00.000 You should have worn a suit.

01:17:01.000 I love your impersonation.

01:17:02.000 I actually do.

01:17:03.000 I actually do a better impression.

01:17:05.000 I do a really great Barry impression.

01:17:09.000 If you know Barry, I do a great one.

01:17:12.000 Like, if you've worked with Barry, because, like, Brian, so you be me, okay?

01:17:16.000 All right. 1.00

01:17:16.000 Fuck off. 1.00

01:17:20.000 So, wait, this is exactly how real Barry works, okay? 1.00

01:17:23.000 So, Brian, tell me about your podcast.

01:17:28.000 Okay.

01:17:29.000 Okay.

01:17:31.000 What are you doing, Brian?

01:17:33.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:17:34.000 The point is, he listens and he never speaks.

01:17:37.000 So you end up telling him more than you'd ever want to tell anybody.

01:17:41.000 So he go, he just nods like, okay. 1.00

01:17:43.000 Well, you know, you need to turn that shit back on him. 1.00

01:17:46.000 I was a child. 1.00

01:17:48.000 I was a kid.

01:17:50.000 Don't just fill the air for him.

01:17:51.000 Just stare at him. 1.00

01:17:52.000 He did give me the best fucking advice. 0.99

01:17:54.000 He's given me the best pump-up speeches and the best advices of my life that I never took. 0.98

01:18:00.000 What would that be?

01:18:01.000 The best advice he ever gave.

01:18:02.000 The first development deal I got was I was doing comedy six months.

01:18:05.000 He was like, can I give you some advice, Papa?

01:18:07.000 I was like, yeah.

01:18:08.000 He goes, hold on for a second.

01:18:10.000 Then he just goes, disappears in his office and comes back.

01:18:12.000 He's like, Get information, don't give it.

01:18:15.000 And I go, what does that mean?

01:18:17.000 He goes, exactly.

01:18:18.000 And hangs up. 0.99

01:18:19.000 I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:18:21.000 That's how a manager should handle things. 1.00

01:18:23.000 Be mysterious.

01:18:25.000 Indirect.

01:18:26.000 And he basically was saying, do not tell anyone you've got a development deal.

01:18:30.000 Just listen.

01:18:31.000 I wish I did that.

01:18:32.000 I wish I'd done that, because I'd made a bunch of enemies, like, starting in comedy, because I was like, I signed a six-figure development deal, and everyone's like, but you worked the door, and I was like, I know, isn't that crazy?

01:18:41.000 And no one was like, congratulations! 0.99

01:18:43.000 Everyone's like, fuck this guy! 1.00

01:18:45.000 So, I wish I'd listened to him, but I didn't. 1.00

01:18:48.000 I'm not a get information, give.

01:18:50.000 I'm a give information kind of guy.

01:18:52.000 You know what I mean, Joe? 1.00

01:18:53.000 I'm pretty fucked up. 0.99

01:18:54.000 So why'd you fire him? 1.00

01:18:57.000 Because he didn't get me.

01:18:58.000 He didn't get my sense of humor.

01:19:00.000 I did a prank call.

01:19:02.000 He got purchased by New Wave Entertainment.

01:19:04.000 I did a prank call to New Wave one time.

01:19:06.000 I just called in, and it was their, like, voicemail for the entire 500-people-person company.

01:19:12.000 Right.

01:19:13.000 And I went, and I was like, and it was like, leave a message in the general mailbox.

01:19:17.000 And I hit that.

01:19:18.000 And then I go, Barry, it's Bert. 0.99

01:19:19.000 I'm fucked up. 0.99

01:19:20.000 Pick me up. 0.99

01:19:21.000 Barry, I know you're listening to this.

01:19:22.000 Pick up the phone. 1.00

01:19:23.000 Barry, pick up the fucking phone. 1.00

01:19:25.000 Barry! 1.00

01:19:26.000 Brian, I know you're there in your underwear.

01:19:27.000 Grab it.

01:19:27.000 Brian Volkweis.

01:19:28.000 Brian, grab it.

01:19:29.000 Grab it.

01:19:30.000 And then Barry got really upset.

01:19:31.000 He was like, dude, you can't do that. 0.99

01:19:33.000 I mean, there are fucking adults at work here. 0.99

01:19:37.000 I go, it was a joke, Barry. 1.00

01:19:38.000 I'm a fucking comic. 1.00

01:19:39.000 You gotta get that. 0.99

01:19:40.000 And he was like, it's not a joke.

01:19:42.000 You were hammered.

01:19:43.000 And I was like, no. 1.00

01:19:44.000 It was a fucking joke. 0.99

01:19:45.000 Do I really think you're sitting by a real answering machine at New Wave? 1.00

01:19:49.000 I got so upset.

01:19:50.000 Is he an AA guy at all?

01:19:52.000 No, but he is.

01:19:53.000 No, no, no.

01:19:54.000 I don't think he is.

01:19:55.000 I don't think he drinks.

01:19:56.000 I know he doesn't drink.

01:19:57.000 Is he against drinking?

01:19:58.000 Is he like the Tempe improv?

01:19:59.000 He is not.

01:20:01.000 I would definitely say he's not for drinking.

01:20:03.000 He was never for my drinking.

01:20:04.000 At his wedding, I was hammered and shirtless.

01:20:08.000 I was sitting with Bobcat, Jeff Ross, John DiMaggio.

01:20:15.000 You remember him?

01:20:17.000 John DiMaggio, the red giant around guy?

01:20:18.000 Yeah, sure, yeah, yeah.

01:20:19.000 And that table, that group of... 0.99

01:20:21.000 Where the fuck is that guy? 0.99

01:20:22.000 Dude, he's still around. 1.00

01:20:23.000 He's fucking... 0.99

01:20:24.000 Oh, he's fucking awesome. 0.98

01:20:26.000 I run into him so much. 0.99

01:20:28.000 So John DiMaggio and I... Oh, man, Barry's wedding was the best because everyone was fucked up except for Barry. 0.98

01:20:34.000 And Barry was trying to micromanage everything. 0.99

01:20:37.000 And all he had was just a bunch of fucking stone talent. 0.98

01:20:39.000 So me, Jeff Ross, and John DiMaggio go behind the stage to smoke a joint. 0.99

01:20:44.000 We all get smoking joint, and then John DiMaggio goes, don't worry, I know how to get in here.

01:20:50.000 And he just opens a curtain to get us to the ballroom where everyone's having the ceremony.

01:20:56.000 Opens a curtain, me, Jeff Ross, and him walk out, and we're on stage with Barry's grandmother reading a note.

01:21:03.000 And it was like, ugh! 1.00

01:21:04.000 And we're high as fuck. 1.00

01:21:05.000 And we're like, ugh! 0.99

01:21:06.000 So then we all go sit down and everyone starts giving personal notes, right?

01:21:15.000 I'm sitting next to...

01:21:16.000 I want to say it's either Bobcat or Jeff Ross. 0.99

01:21:20.000 And I'm fucking hammered. 0.99

01:21:22.000 I'm hammered. 0.98

01:21:24.000 And everyone's going up and saying special words.

01:21:26.000 Frank Caliendo came up and did...

01:21:28.000 Like six impressions in three minutes.

01:21:31.000 What?

01:21:31.000 I don't know.

01:21:32.000 It's three minutes of thunder.

01:21:33.000 He went and did it.

01:21:34.000 Every comic's coming up.

01:21:35.000 This is a wedding?

01:21:36.000 Yeah, I know.

01:21:37.000 It sounds awesome.

01:21:38.000 But it was actually a good impression.

01:21:39.000 Did some time at a wedding?

01:21:39.000 Frank Caliander was very talented.

01:21:41.000 Really?

01:21:41.000 So people are going up and...

01:21:44.000 Really?

01:21:44.000 Dude, I would have loved to have done five minutes at your wedding.

01:21:46.000 It was a fun wedding if you were not Barry.

01:21:50.000 Buddy Hackett's there, right?

01:21:51.000 This gets even better. 0.95

01:21:52.000 This gets even fucking better, okay? 0.95

01:21:54.000 So, everyone's going up and saying words. 0.95

01:21:58.000 John DiMaggio goes up and says words.

01:22:00.000 Jeff Ross goes up and says words.

01:22:01.000 I want to say Bobcat did.

01:22:03.000 I doubt he did, though, knowing who he is.

01:22:04.000 I'm sitting in between him and Bobcat and Jeff, and one of them starts going, you should talk.

01:22:10.000 And I was like, what?

01:22:11.000 I'm like, get on stage, say something. 0.98

01:22:13.000 Total dick move, right? 0.96

01:22:14.000 I should not be speaking at all, right? 0.99

01:22:17.000 Talk!

01:22:17.000 Say something!

01:22:18.000 So I get up on stage, grab the mic right when they start playing the voicemails from Australia from his wife's family who can't be there.

01:22:26.000 So I just talk over all of them.

01:22:28.000 It's really good to be here!

01:22:30.000 And they're like, let me miss you, Susanna! 0.99

01:22:32.000 It was a fucking nightmare. 0.99

01:22:33.000 Right? 1.00

01:22:34.000 And you kept talking? 0.99

01:22:35.000 Because I'm so fucked up I didn't hear a thing, right? 1.00

01:22:37.000 So the fucking... 1.00

01:22:39.000 I get off stage. 1.00

01:22:40.000 I get off stage.

01:22:41.000 Buddy Hackett gets on right after me. 0.99

01:22:42.000 They're still playing fucking voicemails, right? 0.99

01:22:44.000 Buddy Hackett gets on. 1.00

01:22:45.000 He's more fucked up than I am. 1.00

01:22:46.000 And there's a fucking... 1.00

01:22:48.000 There's a piano that's humming going... 1.00

01:22:51.000 And Buddy Hackett, in typical Buddy Hackett voice, goes, turn the fucking piano off! 0.99

01:22:55.000 And they're like, and everyone laughs. 0.99

01:22:57.000 And he goes, I'm being fucking serious! 1.00

01:22:59.000 Turn the fucking piano off! 1.00

01:23:01.000 And everyone laughs even harder. 1.00

01:23:02.000 He goes, do it or I'll fix it!

01:23:03.000 And everyone laughs even harder.

01:23:05.000 He throws his drink on the piano, right?

01:23:07.000 Electric piano.

01:23:08.000 It goes...

01:23:10.000 Like, we see sparks, smoke comes out, and the place falls on the ground laughing, right?

01:23:16.000 Buddy Hackett goes, that's what I'm talking about!

01:23:18.000 Everyone applauds.

01:23:19.000 It is awesome. 1.00

01:23:20.000 He threw a fucking drink on an electric piano. 1.00

01:23:24.000 And Barry had to pay like 25 grand for the fucking piano. 1.00

01:23:27.000 So at the end of the wedding, Barry's like, fucking worse. 1.00

01:23:30.000 I just cavalcaded up to shit on shit on shit. 1.00

01:23:34.000 It was a great wedding. 1.00

01:23:36.000 How much did he have to pay for the piano?

01:23:38.000 I don't know.

01:23:39.000 The way I tell the story, 25 grand.

01:23:40.000 But probably five grand.

01:23:41.000 Wow.

01:23:42.000 It was a Beatles cover man.

01:23:44.000 It was a great story. 0.99

01:23:44.000 Buddy Hackett's a badass and you fucked with him, Joe. 0.99

01:23:47.000 I didn't fuck with him. 1.00

01:23:48.000 Buddy got mad at me. 0.99

01:23:49.000 Buddy, I saw that.

01:23:49.000 I didn't even respond to him.

01:23:50.000 He's a gangster. 0.94

01:23:51.000 I didn't respond to him at all. 1.00

01:23:52.000 This whole time you fucked with a gangster. 1.00

01:23:53.000 I guess I did. 0.99

01:23:55.000 He apparently was a very angry dude.

01:23:57.000 Yeah.

01:23:57.000 He was a nice guy.

01:23:58.000 I met Buddy a few times.

01:23:59.000 I liked him a lot.

01:24:00.000 I was on the first season of Comicstown.

01:24:03.000 I watched it on my couch, Joe.

01:24:05.000 Fascinating.

01:24:05.000 It was like, really?

01:24:06.000 This guy was clearly stealing material in me.

01:24:09.000 I never heard those jokes! 1.00

01:24:11.000 He's like yelling at me, you're a fucking asshole! 1.00

01:24:13.000 And I was like, wow. 1.00

01:24:14.000 But you handled it like a gentleman.

01:24:16.000 Because he was a guy who stole jokes.

01:24:18.000 That's a guy who stole jokes.

01:24:19.000 For sure.

01:24:21.000 When a guy responds like that, exactly, that's how they did it.

01:24:24.000 But when a guy responds like that, there's only one reason, man.

01:24:26.000 I mean, psychologically speaking, why would you be so Adamant about the idea that this guy wasn't a thief and that you never heard those jokes before.

01:24:37.000 Like, what are you saying?

01:24:38.000 And then the other chick who was there was like, he made him his own. 0.80

01:24:42.000 He made those jokes his own.

01:24:43.000 I was like, wow.

01:24:45.000 It was Monique.

01:24:46.000 She was like, yeah, you made those jokes your own.

01:24:49.000 And I was like, whoa.

01:24:50.000 I was like, you made them your own.

01:24:53.000 Wow.

01:24:55.000 It's hilarious.

01:24:56.000 Last coming standing was not the yardstick for it.

01:24:58.000 And by the way, by the way, the judging.

01:25:00.000 This was a Barry Katz show, too.

01:25:02.000 Was it?

01:25:02.000 Oh, yeah, it was.

01:25:03.000 And by the way, the judging was complete, total horseshit. 0.97

01:25:06.000 It didn't matter. 0.90

01:25:06.000 There was people that we voted for that didn't get in and people that we didn't vote for that got in. 0.90

01:25:10.000 They had decided the producers all got together and decided how to how to put people on no I remember I did last coming to remember Drew Carey walked off It was a judge and who else did matter because of Dan Aderman Dan Aderman is a very funny comic and he should have won, but he just wasn't castable like He wasn't one of the guys they were looking for. 0.75

01:25:30.000 That's so ridiculous.

01:25:31.000 They're ideas of who's castable and who's not. 0.88

01:25:33.000 You know, it's so funny whenever you get a bunch of people, like, I'm so used to doing the podcast where there's no one telling us what to do, but to watch, like, Dave Attell do a show yesterday, and the guy's like, can you sit up?

01:25:44.000 Can you move this?

01:25:45.000 The guy actually asked me, can you push your right pant leg down a little?

01:25:50.000 And I was like, why?

01:25:52.000 Well, it's kind of puffy in that one spot. 0.99

01:25:53.000 I'm like, oh my fucking god. 0.99

01:25:56.000 There you go. 1.00

01:25:57.000 That's fucking insane. 1.00

01:25:57.000 What kind of weirdo micromanaging? 1.00

01:25:59.000 You're looking at puffs on pants?

01:26:01.000 But that's how they do it, man.

01:26:03.000 What's their job?

01:26:03.000 When you're on a show, yeah, exactly.

01:26:05.000 It is their job.

01:26:06.000 Five, six different people all yelling instructions and all trying to piece this thing together.

01:26:11.000 It's way less harmonious than you piecing it together on your own.

01:26:15.000 Less is more.

01:26:18.000 Do you feel like that with your show?

01:26:20.000 Do you ever feel like with Birth to Conquer? 0.99

01:26:21.000 Like, man, I should take the reins on this bitch and just... 1.00

01:26:24.000 Figure out how to do it myself. 0.98

01:26:27.000 Do you ever feel like that?

01:26:29.000 I do. 0.90

01:26:29.000 I do, but I feel like I would fuck it up. 0.90

01:26:32.000 You would?

01:26:32.000 Like, I don't know.

01:26:34.000 And I don't know if I could say this forever, but I will definitely say this for right now.

01:26:39.000 The people I'm working with right now, and I'm not talking about my whole production company.

01:26:43.000 I'm just talking about executive-wise.

01:26:45.000 Executives, the ones I'm working with, really seem like they know what they're doing.

01:26:48.000 Yeah, you have a good crew.

01:26:49.000 It's like the UFC. I have a fucking really good crew. 0.98

01:26:51.000 And so what they're doing now... 0.96

01:26:53.000 And I'm not doing Birth to Conquer anymore.

01:26:55.000 I'm doing a different show.

01:26:56.000 What are you doing now?

01:26:56.000 It's called Trip Flip.

01:26:58.000 That's awesome.

01:26:58.000 That's such a good idea.

01:26:59.000 It's a great... 1.00

01:27:00.000 It's a fucking... 1.00

01:27:00.000 What is it? 1.00

01:27:01.000 It's a great show. 0.99

01:27:02.000 We go and we fucking take people on vacation. 1.00

01:27:05.000 Like a fucking ridiculous vacation. 1.00

01:27:07.000 Really? 1.00

01:27:07.000 We show them how to vacation. 1.00

01:27:08.000 We tell them, we go to the Mall of America, or we'll find them there, we go to the Mall of America, and we go, who wants to go to Mexico? 0.55

01:27:15.000 And people go, I do.

01:27:16.000 And we go, great, I'll show you what to do in Mexico.

01:27:18.000 I'm taking it to Cabo, and I'm not going to make you go stay at the resort. 0.98

01:27:21.000 I'm going to take you, and I'm going to show you real cool shit to do in Cabo. 0.99

01:27:24.000 So as a viewer, you watch it, and you go, shut up, I can go fucking Baja racing? 0.99

01:27:28.000 Like, I can do that for the day? 0.99

01:27:29.000 I can ride camels on the beach to a tequila tasting? 0.98

01:27:32.000 Like, we show you the coolest shit to do in the cities. 0.99

01:27:35.000 It seems like the most ideal fucking job ever. 0.99

01:27:38.000 Imagine that. 1.00

01:27:39.000 You get the best vacations every fucking show. 1.00

01:27:42.000 We were in Cancun driving Lamborghinis, Ferraris, and Mercedes 140 miles an hour on open fucking roads. 1.00

01:27:49.000 Wow. 0.99

01:27:50.000 Because we found, and you'll find it too when you watch it, the company that has paid off the Federales to let them fucking drive these cars 140 miles on open roads. 0.98

01:28:00.000 Whoa. 0.97

01:28:00.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:28:01.000 It's Mexico.

01:28:02.000 I mean, that's the way it works.

01:28:04.000 They teach you on a track. 0.99

01:28:05.000 You've got to run a track for half the day, and then they take you out to Tulum, and you can just air these bitches out. 1.00

01:28:12.000 Have you seen that video online of the guy in a Lamborghini? 0.92

01:28:16.000 Yeah, Lamborghini.

01:28:17.000 He goes sideways around a corner and sandwiches in between.

01:28:20.000 Do you think that's a fake video?

01:28:24.000 I think it's a fake video.

01:28:25.000 It can't be.

01:28:26.000 Really?

01:28:26.000 No, it can't be.

01:28:27.000 Why do you think it's fake?

01:28:28.000 Because it's one of those videos that's like, one, why is a guy just, I don't know, recording the Lamborghini?

01:28:32.000 The people do that.

01:28:34.000 I know.

01:28:34.000 People do that all the time.

01:28:35.000 And then it's just like how it was placed. 1.00

01:28:37.000 Most people do stupid shit. 1.00

01:28:37.000 Like he was barely going fast and he loses control. 1.00

01:28:40.000 Did you notice that?

01:28:41.000 Like he just, he wasn't going like super fast.

01:28:43.000 He just like kind of sped up fast.

01:28:45.000 Like how did he lose control of his Lamborghini that bad?

01:28:48.000 And then how it was placed in between the two cars.

01:28:51.000 It's like, alright, this is some kind of weird, fake video.

01:28:54.000 Like, who's behind it, though?

01:28:56.000 Who knows?

01:28:56.000 Like, Lamborghini, maybe?

01:28:57.000 Well, I would say you probably got a good point, but Lamborghinis are notoriously hard to control.

01:29:03.000 That's a four-wheel drive car, too.

01:29:06.000 That's a funky car.

01:29:07.000 They're really hard to control.

01:29:08.000 Yeah.

01:29:08.000 Especially because it's all, like, paddle...

01:29:11.000 I might not be.

01:29:12.000 See, that's the Gallardo, the one that crashed.

01:29:16.000 And the Gallardo, you can still get him with a manual.

01:29:20.000 He might have overhit the gas on a shift.

01:29:25.000 He might have went sideways.

01:29:26.000 Joe, did you want any champagne?

01:29:27.000 Sure, I'll have some.

01:29:28.000 And he might have had to...

01:29:29.000 It might be real.

01:29:31.000 But I agree with you.

01:29:32.000 It doesn't look weird.

01:29:33.000 Suspicious physics, right?

01:29:34.000 It's weird that you said it because I saw it last night for my first time and immediately I looked at it going...

01:29:40.000 How did he just lose control that fast?

01:29:42.000 It wasn't that fast.

01:29:43.000 He wasn't going that fast.

01:29:44.000 Well, it doesn't matter when you're going around a corner, especially if the streets are wet.

01:29:50.000 You're using street tires. 0.97

01:29:52.000 When a car gets out of control, there's no fucking bringing it back. 0.97

01:29:54.000 Just a little bit. 0.98

01:29:55.000 Well, it's hard.

01:29:56.000 You have to know how to drive.

01:29:58.000 There's a great video of two guys in Corvettes, and there's a guy behind him who films it, and they're in Sugar Land.

01:30:03.000 Not in Sugar Land.

01:30:04.000 The Woodlands, I think, in Texas.

01:30:06.000 One of those.

01:30:06.000 And they take off at the light.

01:30:08.000 One guy fucking completely... 0.99

01:30:09.000 He loses control. 1.00

01:30:10.000 T-bones the other car.

01:30:12.000 Right in front of him.

01:30:13.000 It's a real video.

01:30:15.000 That's super real. 1.00

01:30:16.000 Because the guy that watched the video, alright, let's see what these assholes do. 1.00

01:30:20.000 You know they're going to race. 1.00

01:30:22.000 And he got it.

01:30:24.000 That guy's going to be filming everything from now on.

01:30:26.000 What a great thing to catch on film.

01:30:28.000 And here's another thing to always think about when you look at these videos.

01:30:31.000 It's like, you know the majority of people you know.

01:30:33.000 Like, I'm a little different.

01:30:34.000 If I were to have filmed it, it would be a little different. 0.98

01:30:37.000 The majority of people you know, when you're in a car, you're filming, you use your iPhone, you're steering, you're doing all this shit.

01:30:43.000 When you're going around a corner, he was really good with making sure he caught every single thing that happened while he's driving and filming.

01:30:51.000 It was just too good of like, okay, yeah, you got the money shot. 0.99

01:30:55.000 Where in reality, it was probably like this phone would be flopping around looking at fucking ceilings and shit. 0.99

01:31:01.000 That's a very... 1.00

01:31:01.000 Very good point. 1.00

01:31:02.000 And it's like you kind of forget that, yes, it's filmed on a shitty camera and it looks realistic, but the money shot was recorded perfectly.

01:31:10.000 Everything was recorded a little bit too perfectly. 0.99

01:31:12.000 And as somebody that does that kind of shit, it's kind of like I know what the reality is. 1.00

01:31:18.000 If this is just some guy filming it, he would have been filming his girlfriend's crotch. 1.00

01:31:22.000 It would have been just like... 0.98

01:31:23.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:31:25.000 Brian, if that had been you, you would have gotten the shot perfectly.

01:31:28.000 Absolutely.

01:31:28.000 But there's a lot of yous out there.

01:31:30.000 Yeah, you've got to realize this guy is a guy who's filming things.

01:31:34.000 By having a guy who's like, who knows?

01:31:38.000 Who knows?

01:31:39.000 Was it supposed to be the guy driving that was filming that?

01:31:41.000 I think it was.

01:31:42.000 I don't know.

01:31:42.000 I saw it last night, so I don't even remember.

01:31:44.000 Some guy showed it to me at the show last night. 0.81

01:31:48.000 Yeah, there's a lot of douchebags out there driving like that. 1.00

01:31:50.000 There are a lot of cars out there that are super powerful, and they're getting more powerful every year. 0.87

01:31:55.000 That's what's really nuts.

01:31:56.000 Every time Lamborghini has to put a new car out, they're going to make it more powerful.

01:31:59.000 Last year was 500 horsepower.

01:32:00.000 $600,000 was the car I was driving.

01:32:02.000 Jesus Christ.

01:32:04.000 I tried to explain to the people we were driving it with.

01:32:06.000 They were younger.

01:32:07.000 I was like, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

01:32:09.000 This will never happen again. 0.99

01:32:11.000 Unless you become a super baller and start buying up them bitches. 1.00

01:32:15.000 What kind of car was it that you were driving? 1.00

01:32:16.000 The fucking $600,000 one. 1.00

01:32:18.000 It's a Lamborghini? 1.00

01:32:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:19.000 Murcielago or the Aventor?

01:32:20.000 It was black.

01:32:21.000 Aventador? 0.86

01:32:22.000 It was black.

01:32:23.000 I think the Aventador is the new one.

01:32:24.000 Had the paddle shifters.

01:32:26.000 The sound those things make.

01:32:28.000 It's like demons.

01:32:30.000 I heard you and I want to say that by osmosis, you know, like by listening to you enough, I don't know if you've said this about cars, but I did say this on TV and I definitely, I could hear you in my head saying that the car barked at you.

01:32:46.000 Yeah, a lot of people say that. 0.98

01:32:48.000 Like, they would fucking... 0.98

01:32:49.000 And I could hear it barking at me, and I fucking loved it. 0.99

01:32:53.000 I loved to hear it. 0.98

01:32:54.000 Those are manly sounding cars.

01:32:57.000 Lamborghinis and Ferraris have some of the sweetest tones, like the exhaust tones.

01:33:01.000 God, man.

01:33:02.000 Yeah, people, there's like videos on YouTube where people just have Lamborghini exhaust notes.

01:33:11.000 It's got that crazy...

01:33:12.000 I think some of them have V12s, right?

01:33:14.000 Doesn't the Murcielago have a V12? I'm a horrible host because all I know is that it barked at me.

01:33:19.000 Yeah, those are fucking beastly cars. 1.00

01:33:22.000 But they're so stupid. 1.00

01:33:22.000 There's a Michael Vick dog in between my legs. 1.00

01:33:24.000 It's like, what are you doing with that crazy thing?

01:33:26.000 Really?

01:33:27.000 In the States, what are you doing?

01:33:28.000 Because you can't drive it over 100 miles per hour.

01:33:31.000 Like, you'll go to jail over 100 miles an hour.

01:33:33.000 Were you really?

01:33:34.000 Yeah, that's what they were saying.

01:33:36.000 The guy that started the company in Cancun was saying, I had all these cars, but I was in the States and I couldn't use them.

01:33:43.000 And I came down to Mexico once and some guy said, you know, you have a pair of Federales.

01:33:46.000 You can drive whatever you want.

01:33:48.000 Why did he have all these cars?

01:33:49.000 Because he was rich.

01:33:50.000 Wow.

01:33:51.000 As a business, he decided to take all his cars that he wasn't into or not driving, send them to Cancun, pay off the Federales, and you can just take them out for the day.

01:34:03.000 You've got to go in a group. 0.97

01:34:06.000 It's not like you just get a Lamborghini to air out, but it's fucking fun. 0.96

01:34:10.000 I've never driven anything 140 miles an hour. 0.94

01:34:13.000 Yeah, racing cars is fun.

01:34:15.000 It's got to be very addictive. 1.00

01:34:17.000 Fucking, dude, all this shit. 1.00

01:34:19.000 Anytime you get your body to go faster than it's supposed to. 1.00

01:34:22.000 You feel the G-forces when you're going around corners.

01:34:25.000 And you make up.

01:34:25.000 We were going around corners at 70 miles an hour.

01:34:28.000 That's fucking seven. 0.99

01:34:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:34:30.000 Like, put that in perspective.

01:34:31.000 What you do on an interstate? 1.00

01:34:32.000 I was taking corners at that shit. 1.00

01:34:34.000 Yeah, that's pretty great. 1.00

01:34:35.000 And you make your real face.

01:34:36.000 Like, there's no cool face when you drive a car that fast.

01:34:39.000 You make your real face like that.

01:34:40.000 Like, I did this.

01:34:41.000 Like, I go...

01:34:42.000 Because that's what I do when I do that speed.

01:34:45.000 Did you feel the rear end sliding on you at all?

01:34:48.000 Yeah, because it was raining.

01:34:50.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:34:52.000 For the morning, it was raining.

01:34:53.000 You have to be careful with a car that's got that much power, too, when you stomp on the gas. 0.99

01:34:58.000 You know, like that stupid car that I have, that Shelby, the Mustang. 0.97

01:35:02.000 Every time I hit second gear, you've got to make sure you don't stomp on the gas too much, because it will go sideways on you. 0.99

01:35:08.000 In second gear, it'll give you a little...

01:35:11.000 Yeah, if Burt Chrysler can drive this car, I doubt the odds that that guy in that video, you know? 0.98

01:35:16.000 Yeah, if I can drive that car, that guy should be able to fucking do it! 0.97

01:35:19.000 You say that though, but a lot of people buy cars and they don't necessarily know how to handle them when the ass hand goes out on them. 0.99

01:35:29.000 I would not be able to recover that car.

01:35:31.000 It's hard, man.

01:35:32.000 It's hard.

01:35:32.000 And sometimes you don't want to let go of the steering, or you don't want to let go of the gas either.

01:35:37.000 Sometimes you have to power oversteer.

01:35:40.000 You have to fight it with the throttle. 0.99

01:35:43.000 You have to keep your foot on the gas, because if it snaps back, if it catches grip, and then while you're already in a turn, you can get fucked. 0.96

01:35:51.000 It depends entirely on the car, too. 0.97

01:35:53.000 Yeah, those cars are meant to be driven like that.

01:35:56.000 Like Porsches are notorious for like, they have a rear weight bias because they have like an engine in the rear.

01:36:01.000 So like when you're going around corners like sideways, you're dealing with the physics of this engine hanging out back.

01:36:07.000 It's like 60% of the weight is in the ass end of the car.

01:36:12.000 So if you had a friend who came to you and was like, man, I just got my big deal.

01:36:17.000 Oh, I need some, I want to buy a car.

01:36:19.000 What's the one car would you get?

01:36:21.000 It depends on what kind of a person he was.

01:36:23.000 Single dude.

01:36:24.000 Yeah, but is he an animal?

01:36:25.000 Is he a calm fellow that likes a comfortable car?

01:36:30.000 No, you know who he is?

01:36:32.000 He's Dane Cook.

01:36:33.000 Because I'll never forget the conversation you had with Dane when Dane talked about his Maserati that was a lemon.

01:36:37.000 I'll never forget that.

01:36:39.000 I think it wasn't a Maserati.

01:36:40.000 I think it was a...

01:36:41.000 Bentley?

01:36:42.000 No.

01:36:44.000 Aston Martin.

01:36:45.000 Aston Martin.

01:36:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:46.000 So, like, if you could go back in time and give Dane a car to pick up to buy...

01:36:51.000 For like, hey, man, this is your first, like, there's a treat.

01:36:54.000 If you want a really well-engineered car, you can't go wrong with a Porsche.

01:36:58.000 They're just so well-engineered.

01:37:00.000 Except your first Porsche that you had. 1.00

01:37:02.000 That was like a shit. 1.00

01:37:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:03.000 Was it 411s? 1.00

01:37:04.000 911?

01:37:05.000 911. 911. It was called a 996. 996 Turbo.

01:37:11.000 Was it a 611 where you just called AT&T? That's when you want to find out what you owe.

01:37:17.000 But yeah, I had one car that I had five problems with it in two years before I got rid of it.

01:37:22.000 I liked your car after that.

01:37:23.000 You had the best car after that.

01:37:25.000 I wish you still had that car.

01:37:26.000 Oh, the Acura NSX? Fuck yeah, that was like a fucking Matchbox car. 1.00

01:37:29.000 That was so cool. 1.00

01:37:30.000 Yeah, it's a dope car.

01:37:31.000 They're coming out with a new one, you know.

01:37:32.000 Acura is ready to make a new NSX. I think it comes out in 2013. They had it in the Avengers.

01:37:39.000 Remember the car that he gets in?

01:37:41.000 That was a prototype. 1.00

01:37:43.000 I know that shit. 1.00

01:37:46.000 Are Jaguars girl cars? 1.00

01:37:49.000 Because I saw a Jaguar convertible the other day and a girl was driving and I was like, Damn, that's so beautiful. 0.79

01:37:54.000 Why does it have to be a girl car? 1.00

01:37:55.000 Jaguars are awesome. 0.92

01:37:56.000 Nick Schwartz has got a beautiful Jaguar.

01:37:58.000 They're super powerful, too.

01:38:00.000 The new ones, they have these XKSs, I think it is. 0.99

01:38:03.000 They have some beastly fucking cars now. 0.99

01:38:05.000 They're great cars, man. 1.00

01:38:07.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:38:08.000 Yeah, I would tell, for most people, I would say just get a well-engineered car. 1.00

01:38:12.000 You don't really want a race car or anything. 0.84

01:38:15.000 I'll tell you what the best fucking car around right now is, in my opinion, dead serious, like for the money, the, what's the Genesis? 0.98

01:38:23.000 The Hyundai? 0.99

01:38:24.000 Hyundai Genesis.

01:38:25.000 Oh, the one that looks like a Mercedes. 1.00

01:38:27.000 Dude, it is a great fucking car. 0.99

01:38:29.000 It's amazing. 1.00

01:38:30.000 Hyundai puts out a great fucking car. 1.00

01:38:35.000 Well, especially this one. 1.00

01:38:36.000 This one, they've basically taken all the design elements of Mercedes and Lexus.

01:38:41.000 They're the best cars.

01:38:42.000 They essentially made the same kind of car. 0.96

01:38:45.000 It's real fucking similar. 0.93

01:38:48.000 It's gorgeous. 0.97

01:38:49.000 It's a great car.

01:38:50.000 I mean, it looks like a Mercedes. 1.00

01:38:51.000 It looks like a Mercedes, and it's got all the shit a Mercedes has got. 0.98

01:38:53.000 It just doesn't have the, like, whatever the thing that makes the Mercedes $90,000. 0.99

01:38:58.000 Well, it's very high-end, they said.

01:39:00.000 They said it's very comfortable to drive.

01:39:02.000 And they're really reliable cars, too. 0.99

01:39:04.000 The thing about Hyundais is it's not like it's a shit car. 0.95

01:39:08.000 They're reliable cars, just as much so as any other car that's in that price range. 0.95

01:39:13.000 That's pretty nice.

01:39:14.000 $34,000 in comparison to...

01:39:16.000 Visually-wise, I don't think it's anything special.

01:39:19.000 Well, neither is the Lexus.

01:39:20.000 Look at the Lexus LS460, I think it is, the new one, whatever it is.

01:39:24.000 Beautiful car, but real sedate.

01:39:26.000 It's all about luxurious transportation in those cars, like a Lexus.

01:39:30.000 Those cars are so quiet and peaceful.

01:39:33.000 I love it.

01:39:34.000 It's like, yeah, if you're into that, man, I'd say get a Lexus.

01:39:37.000 Those Lexus four-doors are like the most relaxing.

01:39:42.000 They absorb bumps.

01:39:43.000 They're not handling cars. 1.00

01:39:45.000 It's not a car you're going to go around a corner and hit the gas and get a fucking good feeling in your balls. 0.99

01:39:51.000 Gary Valentine, when we were working together on the X show, had a green Lexus. 0.99

01:39:55.000 And his whole thing was that...

01:39:57.000 Joe, you did it with us.

01:39:59.000 I remember, I remember.

01:40:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:00.000 And he had a green Lexus, and his whole thing was how silent it was.

01:40:04.000 Yeah.

01:40:04.000 So we got the car one time, we're members of a country club called Robinson Ranch.

01:40:08.000 Me, Gary, and I think his brother, and a few other people. 0.93

01:40:11.000 So one time we get in valet, we get into the car, and he just shuts the door, and he looks at me, he goes, Burtzki, how fucking quiet is this car? 0.54

01:40:17.000 And he goes, pretty quiet. 0.89

01:40:18.000 And he goes, it's pretty fucking quiet, right? 0.93

01:40:20.000 And I go, yeah.

01:40:20.000 And he goes, put it in drive, it's not on.

01:40:23.000 Fucking totally drunk. 1.00

01:40:24.000 It's just fucking... 1.00

01:40:25.000 Fucking Gary Valentine. 1.00

01:40:27.000 I miss that motherfucker. 1.00

01:40:28.000 Do you remember Mike Burton? 1.00

01:40:30.000 Mike Burton.

01:40:32.000 What would I remember?

01:40:33.000 Mike Burton, a comic from L.A., hung around the improv comedy store.

01:40:40.000 Yeah, now he teaches Krav Maga.

01:40:42.000 But Mike Burton.

01:40:44.000 This is my favorite Gary Valentine story. 0.99

01:40:46.000 I fucking... 0.99

01:40:46.000 And I know that... 0.99

01:40:48.000 I mean, you've got to have Gary on one time.

01:40:50.000 I'd love to. 0.98

01:40:50.000 God, he's fucking funny. 0.98

01:40:52.000 So one time we decide, we do the X show, we wrap on Thursday, and we decide, we go to Formosa and have drinks, and I say to Gary, I go, we should go to Vegas. 0.96

01:40:59.000 And he was like, let's do it!

01:41:00.000 And we look at Mike Burton, and which one's that?

01:41:05.000 Mike Burton.

01:41:06.000 That's Mike Burton, yeah.

01:41:07.000 Oh yeah, I know that.

01:41:08.000 You know Mike Burton.

01:41:09.000 Yeah, absolutely. 0.99

01:41:09.000 So we go to him and Scott Henry and go, let's go to fucking Vegas. 0.99

01:41:12.000 And Mike Burton goes, nah, I don't want to go. 0.97

01:41:14.000 I'm like, come on, Burton, go.

01:41:15.000 And he's like, I don't want to go. 1.00

01:41:16.000 And Gary goes, fuck you. 1.00

01:41:17.000 This is the problem with you. 1.00

01:41:18.000 You need to go.

01:41:19.000 And he's like, I don't want to go.

01:41:20.000 I got a spot at the Hollywood Improv. 1.00

01:41:21.000 Fuck the Hollywood Improv. 1.00

01:41:22.000 So Gary goes, fuck it. 1.00

01:41:23.000 You guys work on Burton. 1.00

01:41:24.000 I'm going to go back to Santa Monica.

01:41:26.000 He was living with Kevin at the time. 0.99

01:41:27.000 I'm going to go back to Santa Monica and get my shit. 0.86

01:41:28.000 I'll meet you at Burton and Henry's house. 0.98

01:41:30.000 And we go, perfect.

01:41:31.000 So we go, and on the way to Scott Henry's house, we decide, we convince Burton. 0.99

01:41:36.000 And Burton goes, eh, fuck it, I'll go. 0.99

01:41:38.000 And I go, Burton, this is a great idea. 1.00

01:41:40.000 Why don't you hang out in the back of my truck, hide.

01:41:42.000 And we'll tell Gary that you're not going.

01:41:44.000 And then we'll get on the interstate and we'll surprise him and be like, Gary, look, he's coming. 1.00

01:41:48.000 Because Gary's not with us, he's packing his shit. 0.99

01:41:49.000 Burton goes, that's great. 0.99

01:41:50.000 So we pack all our shit, we go down to Burton and Henry's house. 0.92

01:41:53.000 Burton gets on the way back of the truck. 0.85

01:41:55.000 Like back where the beers are.

01:41:56.000 I had an expedition at the time.

01:41:58.000 And he hides back there.

01:41:59.000 And we wait for like 15 minutes and all of a sudden Gary Valentine shows up.

01:42:03.000 He shows up, he's got his bags, he's holding them in his hands, he opens the backseat door, like the middle, opens, hops in and he goes, where's Burton?

01:42:09.000 And we're like, he didn't come. 1.00

01:42:11.000 And he shuts the door and he goes, let me tell you what's wrong with that motherfucker. 1.00

01:42:14.000 Oh... 1.00

01:42:15.000 And we're like, uh... 0.98

01:42:16.000 And then he goes, and I'll tell you why he shouldn't be a comic anymore, because he's not fucking funny. 0.99

01:42:20.000 And as we drive, we're pulling out, and I see Mike Burton sit up in the way back, and Gary talks for like 10 fucking minutes, just talks shit about... 0.99

01:42:30.000 Oh my god. 0.98

01:42:32.000 And all of a sudden, I go, hey Gary, would you mind passing me a beer out of the back?

01:42:36.000 And he turns around and he goes, hey Burton!

01:42:37.000 Then turns back to us, he goes... 0.99

01:42:39.000 When are you going to fucking tell me? 0.98

01:42:41.000 We were like, there was never a good time. 0.99

01:42:43.000 It was the fucking most uncomfortable. 1.00

01:42:46.000 That's so shitty. 1.00

01:42:48.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:42:49.000 Oh, never.

01:42:50.000 And they talked.

01:42:50.000 Me and Scott Henry sat in the front.

01:42:52.000 Gary Valentine and Mike Burton sat in the back and talked.

01:42:55.000 Like, hashed it out.

01:42:56.000 How do you hash that out?

01:42:57.000 Yeah, right?

01:42:58.000 I think Burton, I don't know if Burton, I think he's teaching Krav Maga now.

01:43:02.000 Yeah, he is.

01:43:02.000 He's got his own training centers now.

01:43:05.000 He's a really smart dude.

01:43:06.000 Comedy's not fair, buddy, folks.

01:43:09.000 Krav Maga is Jewish, right? 0.96

01:43:12.000 Yes.

01:43:12.000 It's a really sort of system of assault defense based on a lot of different martial arts.

01:43:16.000 Slapping, right?

01:43:17.000 It's like Jewish. 0.98

01:43:17.000 What? 0.98

01:43:18.000 It's Jewish slapping. 0.99

01:43:19.000 No, no, no. 0.97

01:43:20.000 Let me just whittle it down to what I heard it was, okay? 1.00

01:43:23.000 It's Jewish bitch slapping. 1.00

01:43:24.000 Yeah, that's what I heard. 1.00

01:43:26.000 Who did you hear this from?

01:43:27.000 Some dude.

01:43:28.000 It's a German.

01:43:28.000 Yeah, no.

01:43:29.000 Krav Maga is like... 1.00

01:43:30.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00

01:43:31.000 From a guy that listens to this podcast that's in my daughter's dance class. 1.00

01:43:35.000 He told you he was slapping?

01:43:36.000 No! 1.00

01:43:37.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:43:37.000 Never mind. 1.00

01:43:38.000 I wish I hadn't said this.

01:43:41.000 Backpedaling bird! 0.95

01:43:43.000 Yeah, don't.

01:43:44.000 Settle down, Bert.

01:43:46.000 The problem, guys, is a legit form of self-defense.

01:43:50.000 It's mostly street stuff.

01:43:54.000 They show you correct applications of techniques in self-defense situations as opposed to just doing jiu-jitsu or just doing kickboxing or something along those lines.

01:44:03.000 It's more applicable to getting attacked.

01:44:06.000 Yeah, but it's all the basic techniques of all the effective martial arts.

01:44:11.000 They go over chokeholds, they go over arm locks, they go over all sorts of different...

01:44:16.000 It's not just self-defense.

01:44:19.000 They incorporate a lot of different things.

01:44:22.000 It's like a system of taking what's the most useful martial arts in a real-life situation.

01:44:26.000 Yeah.

01:44:27.000 So that's what it is.

01:44:28.000 Which is, you know, there's room for that.

01:44:30.000 I'm personally of the school that, you know, like people say, like, I've had these arguments with the so-called, like, street defense people, and they're like, what we learn is how to defend yourself on the street.

01:44:41.000 You know, there's no rules on the street.

01:44:44.000 And in the mixed martial arts dojo, you know, there's rules, and that's all well and good.

01:44:48.000 We appreciate the discipline, but there's no rules on the street.

01:44:51.000 So that's why our sport is different. 0.98

01:44:54.000 So they try to bite you and grab your balls or something like that. 0.90

01:44:58.000 But my take has always been that the most effective techniques aren't the techniques that work on people who don't know what they're doing. 0.94

01:45:05.000 And all the techniques, almost all of them, that you see in so-called self-defense courses, they only work if people don't know what they're doing.

01:45:12.000 Like all the grabbing hands and pulling. 0.99

01:45:15.000 You ain't grabbing my hand, bitch. 1.00

01:45:17.000 You know, I'm going to be a wild cat. 1.00

01:45:19.000 We got some crazy shit going on right here. 0.99

01:45:21.000 You're not grabbing me and just holding on to me. 1.00

01:45:23.000 That's nonsense.

01:45:24.000 And so when I see any of that self-defense nonsense, I go, this is the reason why this doesn't work.

01:45:28.000 And the reason why it doesn't work is because it doesn't work on a killer.

01:45:31.000 You need everything you need to do if you want to learn true martial arts.

01:45:35.000 You should learn what works on killers.

01:45:38.000 Learn what works on the best fighters on the planet.

01:45:41.000 Learn what works on Muay Thai fighters.

01:45:43.000 Learn what works on... 0.94

01:45:44.000 Learn what works on a guy who knows how to fuck people up, and he's been training in it for years. 0.94

01:45:50.000 Learn how to deal with that guy. 0.99

01:45:51.000 Don't learn how to deal with some dude pulling out your keys and going for his eyes, because most likely he'll knock you the fuck out before you get close enough to do that. 0.93

01:45:59.000 Learn how to do what works on killers. 0.98

01:46:03.000 That's my opinion.

01:46:05.000 So I'm not a big believer in self-defense courses.

01:46:08.000 I'm a big believer in martial arts.

01:46:10.000 I think if you want to learn jiu-jitsu, you should learn the type of jiu-jitsu where you know if you get a hold of someone, it doesn't matter.

01:46:16.000 That's it.

01:46:17.000 You own them now.

01:46:18.000 That's your world.

01:46:19.000 And you strangle them.

01:46:20.000 And you get to that point.

01:46:22.000 And that's a beautiful tool to have in your toolbox.

01:46:25.000 It's a beautiful thing to be in possession of.

01:46:29.000 Marshall Childs was saying that.

01:46:30.000 You don't ever get that if you're in a self-defense course.

01:46:32.000 Because first of all, you're not going to have the amount of proficiency in doing these techniques like knee breaks and attacks to the groin.

01:46:39.000 Because you're not really doing them full blast in training against people who are resisting.

01:46:43.000 So a lot of what you're doing, you're drilling repetition and you might get better at completing those movements. 0.91

01:46:47.000 But the odds of you doing it on a guy who knows how to fight is pretty fucking small. 0.95

01:46:52.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:53.000 You know, and some Anderson Silva type dude will knock your fucking dome off your neck. 0.99

01:46:56.000 And it's that simple. 0.99

01:46:57.000 You know, you're never going to get to eye gouge him. 1.00

01:47:00.000 He's going to light you up, bitch. 1.00

01:47:02.000 It's like, you got to look at it that way, in my opinion. 0.99

01:47:05.000 So there's nothing wrong with Krav Maga. 0.53

01:47:07.000 It's a good way to work out.

01:47:08.000 It's a good way to train.

01:47:09.000 You know, and it's a very effective system of martial arts.

01:47:13.000 You worked with Marshall at the Laughing School?

01:47:16.000 Uh-huh.

01:47:17.000 Yeah.

01:47:17.000 Did he talk to you about Jiu Jitsu?

01:47:20.000 No.

01:47:20.000 He does Jiu Jitsu.

01:47:21.000 Yeah.

01:47:22.000 Like aggressively.

01:47:23.000 I think we talked a little bit about it.

01:47:24.000 But he's definitely...

01:47:25.000 He said that exact same thing, that it just was like a nice...

01:47:32.000 abilities to have in place and that he became more relaxed around people.

01:47:36.000 Yeah.

01:47:36.000 Because he was smaller.

01:47:38.000 Not smaller, but smaller.

01:47:39.000 And he just never felt like he could ever get hurt because he knew how to get out of it.

01:47:44.000 Well, you know, you can still get hurt.

01:47:45.000 You got to always be careful, people.

01:47:47.000 First of all, there's knives and guns and gangs and sticks.

01:47:51.000 And, you know, you can always get hurt.

01:47:53.000 The idea that you're invulnerable now and you can just walk through any bad neighborhood is crazy.

01:47:57.000 But you certainly have less apprehensions because you know that you've reached a physical proficiency when it comes to defending yourself that very few people have ever reached. 0.98

01:48:08.000 So if some shit goes down, most likely you're going to be fine. 0.96

01:48:11.000 Most likely this guy's in for some horrible, rude awakening, which most people don't know how to fight are into. 0.99

01:48:17.000 If they get in there with a guy who knows how to fight, they're in for a terrifying awakening of what's the difference between someone who spends zero time training how to fight and someone who's dedicated a lifetime of doing it.

01:48:27.000 There's a difference.

01:48:28.000 That guy's going to own you, and it's a terrifying feeling.

01:48:30.000 To get owned by someone, especially if you get owned in the street, man.

01:48:34.000 Especially if you get owned in the street and you're the one who started it.

01:48:38.000 It's like that video of that dude.

01:48:40.000 Can you ever see the two kids where it's like a Mexican kid with his socks pulled up to his knees and there's some white kid in jeans?

01:48:47.000 And they're like, come on.

01:48:48.000 And then the white kid clearly knows some sort of Asian defense.

01:48:52.000 He starts doing steps and kicking, practice kicking.

01:48:55.000 And the guy was like, no, no, street fight, street fight only.

01:48:58.000 And he was like, no, this is what I'm doing. 0.99

01:48:59.000 He's like, no, no, man, I ain't doing that kind of shit. 0.98

01:49:01.000 No funky fights, just regular fights. 0.99

01:49:03.000 Ha ha ha.

01:49:05.000 It's one of my favorite fights.

01:49:07.000 I favorited it on my YouTube page.

01:49:08.000 I favorited it. 0.94

01:49:10.000 I'm fucking one of the first people to discover Kimbo Slice. 1.00

01:49:13.000 You know, the beautiful thing about being around people who know how to fight is they very rarely get in fights. 0.98

01:49:17.000 Most people who know how to fight are fucking pretty calm. 0.99

01:49:19.000 They get all that shit out in the gym. 1.00

01:49:21.000 You can get all that shit out in a controlled environment. 1.00

01:49:24.000 We have a desire for conflict. 1.00

01:49:26.000 We have a desire to fucking overcome things. 1.00

01:49:28.000 Fuck that guy. 1.00

01:49:29.000 There's a desire that all that shit can be erased in the gym. 1.00

01:49:33.000 And when you erase it in the gym, you deal with yourself on an even playing field instead of being overwhelmed by road rage or overwhelmed by disappointment in your own personal life and existence and whatever frustrations that have been building inside of you, percolating, fucking up your physical existence because the moment you're in any interaction, you're acting unbalanced. 0.99

01:49:53.000 Walking down the street on the curb just staring at cars. 0.99

01:49:56.000 What the fuck's wrong with you? 0.99

01:49:58.000 That's the guy from YET last night. 0.99

01:50:00.000 What was he doing?

01:50:01.000 I saw him walking in this curb just staring at cars.

01:50:03.000 He said, what?

01:50:04.000 And I was like, this chick was just walking on the sidewalk.

01:50:08.000 And I was like, man.

01:50:10.000 Maybe they were all methed out.

01:50:11.000 How many chicks get in street fights with their dudes? 1.00

01:50:14.000 Get together and fucking throw down together. 1.00

01:50:16.000 Go home and fuck. 1.00

01:50:17.000 Does that happen? 1.00

01:50:18.000 Pasadena.

01:50:19.000 Seems like a movie, right? 1.00

01:50:22.000 Street fuck fighter? 1.00

01:50:23.000 Yeah, something along those lines, right? 0.99

01:50:26.000 I don't know.

01:50:28.000 I can't imagine.

01:50:29.000 I've never been able to, with a girl that fought.

01:50:31.000 Conversation went south hard.

01:50:33.000 You've never been around a girl?

01:50:34.000 Brian, what's up with that?

01:50:35.000 You've never been around a girl that likes to fight? 1.00

01:50:37.000 No, my wife. 1.00

01:50:38.000 Scariest shit ever, man. 1.00

01:50:40.000 Girls that want to drag you into fights, that's one of the scariest things you could ever encounter. 1.00

01:50:43.000 I would imagine you would have tracked that when you were younger, though.

01:50:45.000 Yeah, a lot of them. 0.98

01:50:46.000 Yeah, they want to sick you on people like a dog. 0.99

01:50:49.000 Man, I heard some good behind-the-scenes stories about you that I've Fucking dying to talk about. 0.99

01:50:54.000 Behind the scenes? 0.91

01:50:54.000 Yeah, just like... 0.91

01:50:56.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:50:59.000 Why did I say that?

01:51:01.000 Your ego, dude, is out of control.

01:51:02.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:51:03.000 If it has to do with violence, it's almost 100%.

01:51:04.000 No, no, it's not.

01:51:04.000 Nothing about violence.

01:51:06.000 It's about you being a friend to dudes.

01:51:08.000 Like, uh...

01:51:09.000 Yeah, let's not.

01:51:10.000 If it's bad people, don't talk about bad people. 0.99

01:51:12.000 No, goddamn it. 0.99

01:51:13.000 I don't know why I fucking said that. 1.00

01:51:15.000 Fucking something's wrong with my brain. 1.00

01:51:16.000 Something's wrong with Bert Kreischer. 1.00

01:51:18.000 Let's turn these cameras off, Brian.

01:51:19.000 Seriously.

01:51:20.000 What's wrong with Bert Kreischer?

01:51:20.000 What happened with the weed thing?

01:51:21.000 You can't smoke weed in front of cameras anymore?

01:51:23.000 Yeah, you can.

01:51:24.000 You just gotta kind of be sneaky about it.

01:51:25.000 Okay. 1.00

01:51:26.000 Stupid. 1.00

01:51:27.000 Ustream has some sort of policy. 1.00

01:51:28.000 Yeah, we have a vaporizer.

01:51:30.000 Do you feel like you're taking a hit, Joe?

01:51:32.000 What, do you?

01:51:32.000 Yeah, I do.

01:51:33.000 Well, let's just wrap this bitch up, because you guys came a little late, and I still have to look at that property. 1.00

01:51:37.000 Oh, right. 0.98

01:51:38.000 We'll go with you.

01:51:39.000 Pretend we're your investors.

01:51:40.000 I'm looking at that. 0.99

01:51:42.000 And Vine and I will just inspect really bullshit stuff. 0.99

01:51:44.000 Let's do it. 0.97

01:51:45.000 Like, hmm, I don't know about the fault lines.

01:51:47.000 Hmm.

01:51:48.000 Things that make you go, hmm.

01:51:50.000 Mr. Redman?

01:51:51.000 Things that make you go, hmm.

01:51:52.000 So, next week in the podcast, we've got Shane Smith, Bass Nectar, and the great Bobcat Goldberg.

01:51:59.000 Yes, I can't wait.

01:52:00.000 It should be very fun.

01:52:01.000 Yeah, we'll have a great...

01:52:02.000 Talk about Barry Katz. 0.99

01:52:04.000 Bob has known Barry since he was fucking a child. 0.99

01:52:07.000 He's known Barry since he was a child. 0.99

01:52:09.000 Bobcat lived in Barry's closet, is the story.

01:52:13.000 Barry had a closet that he rented out. 0.97

01:52:17.000 I'm sure I'm raping this.

01:52:19.000 Barry rented out a closet in Boston University or Boston College, and Bobcat rented it when he was like 16. Wow. 0.70

01:52:29.000 Yeah, Bobcat's known Barry forever.

01:52:31.000 Bobcat's another Boston comic.

01:52:33.000 People don't realize, you know, he made it on the big screen, you know, and made it, you know, sort of almost as like a Hollywood guy.

01:52:39.000 But his origins are in Boston, too. 0.98

01:52:41.000 And funny as fuck. 0.99

01:52:42.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:52:43.000 Bobcat's always been fucking hilarious. 0.89

01:52:45.000 Did you ever hear the CD, Meet Bob? 0.94

01:52:47.000 No.

01:52:47.000 It's M-E-A-T, Bob, and it's like hamburger.

01:52:50.000 It's made out of hamburger or something like that.

01:52:52.000 He's great.

01:52:54.000 He's great.

01:52:55.000 Bobcat Goldthwait.

01:52:56.000 I grew up with Bobcat being a character.

01:52:59.000 It's really weird.

01:53:02.000 That's so weird.

01:53:03.000 Yeah, I wonder if he feels weird about that.

01:53:05.000 I wonder if that's weird.

01:53:06.000 Because J.J. Walker, when he got older, would hate when people would yell out dynamite.

01:53:12.000 He would hate it.

01:53:14.000 They would hate it.

01:53:14.000 Because he wasn't doing that anymore.

01:53:16.000 Now he's just a stand-up trying to make a living.

01:53:18.000 And apparently he didn't like that.

01:53:20.000 When people...

01:53:21.000 That's what they say.

01:53:22.000 I never did it.

01:53:23.000 Maybe the guy loved it. 1.00

01:53:24.000 Maybe one asshole did it. 1.00

01:53:26.000 Say dynamite! 1.00

01:53:27.000 Say dynamite!

01:53:28.000 And he's like, I don't like to do it.

01:53:31.000 Yeah, but that would be weird, though, because, I mean, that's what kind of got everyone to know who he is.

01:53:35.000 Yeah, but after, like, ten years, don't you think a man can stop saying dynamite?

01:53:40.000 I mean, but doing it even worse than that, imagine being Bobcat where you do the, like the...

01:53:44.000 Yeah.

01:53:46.000 I bet I worked with him...

01:53:48.000 He stopped doing that, right?

01:53:49.000 Yeah, well, he was doing...

01:53:51.000 Thank you.

01:53:51.000 I don't know.

01:53:52.000 I don't know.

01:53:52.000 Maybe it's like a go-to thing with a joke, like subtly.

01:53:55.000 Is he still doing stand-up?

01:53:56.000 Yeah, he's still doing stand-up.

01:53:57.000 Of course, yeah.

01:53:58.000 Didn't he stop for a while?

01:54:00.000 He stopped directing Kimmel.

01:54:02.000 I mean, he directs Kimmel, I think.

01:54:03.000 Yeah.

01:54:03.000 And he was directing The Man Show.

01:54:05.000 He directed...

01:54:06.000 Directed movies.

01:54:07.000 The Chappelle Show as well. 0.99

01:54:08.000 And he did The World's Worst Dad, which is a great fucking movie. 0.98

01:54:12.000 Have you ever seen that? 0.99

01:54:13.000 No, but I want to see it. 0.99

01:54:14.000 Oh, fucking let me tell you the logline. 0.97

01:54:16.000 What is his new movie that he's got coming out? 1.00

01:54:19.000 American Dream or something.

01:54:21.000 I can't find out.

01:54:22.000 World's worst dad, Robin Williams, plays a dad whose son dies from auto-asphyxiation erotica.

01:54:31.000 And he writes him a suicide note and says he killed himself so he doesn't want to deal with it.

01:54:35.000 And because of the suicide note, the kid's writings become popular.

01:54:39.000 Wow.

01:54:40.000 And the dad is doing all the writings and the dad always wanted to be a writer. 0.99

01:54:42.000 It's a great fucking movie. 1.00

01:54:45.000 It is a great fucking movie. 1.00

01:54:46.000 His new movie is called God Bless America and it's very violent and it just looks awesome. 0.99

01:54:53.000 I can't wait to meet Bobcat.

01:54:55.000 That'll be fun.

01:54:55.000 That'll be a fun interview.

01:54:56.000 Don't drool on him, dude.

01:54:57.000 No, no.

01:54:57.000 I just want to talk about some things with Bobcat.

01:55:03.000 I don't know.

01:55:03.000 Past, present, future, ex-wife.

01:55:06.000 You know, all those fun things.

01:55:09.000 Don't do that, Brian.

01:55:10.000 Promise me.

01:55:11.000 No, no, I'm just kidding.

01:55:13.000 Promise me you're not going to be a problem.

01:55:15.000 I'm just kidding.

01:55:16.000 Too late.

01:55:17.000 Too fast.

01:55:19.000 Holla! 1.00

01:55:20.000 Thanks to everybody who tuned in this week and thanks to everyone who came out to the Ice House Comedy Club last night. 0.98

01:55:26.000 It was a fucking tremendous show. 0.92

01:55:27.000 Seriously, thank you. 0.99

01:55:28.000 It was really amazing.

01:55:29.000 We had a great, great time.

01:55:30.000 It was so cool to be able to do that on a Wednesday night.

01:55:32.000 Are you doing Friday?

01:55:33.000 You know what, Joe?

01:55:33.000 Joe, I don't know if we've talked about this or not.

01:55:35.000 I'm thinking about it.

01:55:36.000 We should just take over Wednesday from now on.

01:55:39.000 Instead of doing Friday, Wednesday is when all the comics are in town.

01:55:42.000 Wednesday is good, but we can do Fridays too sometimes.

01:55:44.000 I like doing Fridays when I'm around.

01:55:45.000 Or we can keep our Fridays open so we can go out to the Olive Garden. 0.99

01:55:48.000 Whatever, bitch. 1.00

01:55:50.000 But either way, we'll be doing more shows at the Ice House. 0.99

01:55:53.000 It's a great place.

01:55:54.000 And I've got to develop some new material now before my special gets out.

01:55:57.000 Hey, are you releasing your special?

01:55:59.000 Yeah, online.

01:56:00.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:56:01.000 They're building a website for it now.

01:56:02.000 It's going to take a couple months.

01:56:04.000 So it probably won't be until August or September that I'll release it.

01:56:08.000 Joe, let's go on a mushroom trip so we can get new material.

01:56:10.000 I don't know if you can handle mushrooms anymore.

01:56:12.000 Yeah, I can.

01:56:13.000 Okay.

01:56:13.000 Alright, we'll do it.

01:56:14.000 This has to be a comfortable situation.

01:56:17.000 Like a comfortable situation.

01:56:18.000 It could be at the UFC. As long as it doesn't mean 100 degrees in a hotel room and you and me naked.

01:56:22.000 No.

01:56:23.000 No.

01:56:23.000 Wow.

01:56:24.000 Sounds like a great story, guys.

01:56:27.000 Let's go look at that property, Joe.

01:56:29.000 Yes, we're going to go do that.

01:56:30.000 We're going to go look at Death Squad West, also known as Higher Primate Studios.

01:56:35.000 Thank you to everybody who tuned in for the podcast.

01:56:37.000 Thank you to The Flesh Life for sponsoring our podcast.

01:56:40.000 And if you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link.

01:56:42.000 Click it.

01:56:43.000 Click it.

01:56:43.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN. Get yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

01:56:47.000 The shirt that Brian is displaying in his image is the Machine shirt. 0.92

01:56:51.000 Oh, please.

01:56:51.000 I am the Machine, the Burt Chrysler shirt.

01:56:53.000 And you can get that at BurtBurtBurt.com.

01:56:55.000 Holla.

01:56:55.000 Support your boy.

01:56:57.000 Baby needs new shoes. 1.00

01:56:58.000 Come on, Seven.

01:57:00.000 And you can also...

01:57:01.000 Bert, you're doing a podcast soon now?

01:57:04.000 I started taping it on the road with my bodyguards.

01:57:07.000 With your bodyguards?

01:57:08.000 I've been getting bodyguards everywhere I went, so I've been doing podcasts with them.

01:57:11.000 Because you go for your TV show?

01:57:13.000 Yeah, I go to crazy places so we get bodyguards.

01:57:15.000 But I don't know when it's coming out.

01:57:16.000 It's coming out when I get a little time under my belt. 0.84

01:57:19.000 Also, I'm fucking 75 pages due by August 1st on my book, so... 0.88

01:57:24.000 I'm a little overwhelmed. 0.58

01:57:25.000 So I appreciate everyone that emails me and says, start your podcast.

01:57:29.000 I'm working on it.

01:57:30.000 I'm working on everything.

01:57:31.000 Okay.

01:57:31.000 And being a parent.

01:57:32.000 You're a fucking savage. 1.00

01:57:34.000 God bless you. 1.00

01:57:34.000 God bless you, Joe. 1.00

01:57:36.000 That's it, you fucking dirty freaks. 1.00

01:57:38.000 We'll see you next week. 1.00

01:57:40.000 Thank you for everything.

01:57:41.000 We appreciate it all.

01:57:42.000 Thanks to Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune.

01:57:50.000 And next week... 0.98

01:57:53.000 We're gonna launch the kettlebells and let you know what the fuck is up. 0.98

01:57:56.000 We're ironing out all the details right now. 0.98

01:57:58.000 And that's it.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 24, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #220 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript