The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #228

00:00:02.000 Alright, here we go.

00:00:03.000 Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:05.000 But we wish we were brought to you by WD-40.

00:00:08.000 Because, Brian, I think our shit is constantly squeaking.

00:00:11.000 We would be like...

00:00:13.000 You hear all that?

00:00:15.000 It's really the springs.

00:00:17.000 The springs are the problem.

00:00:18.000 But I wonder if just a little splash of WD-40 wouldn't save the day, Joe.

00:00:21.000 Maybe it would.

00:00:22.000 Maybe it wouldn't.

00:00:23.000 Maybe it would just smell like a garage in here, then.

00:00:25.000 You know, I think you guys need a free case of that.

00:00:28.000 A free case of WD-40?

00:00:30.000 Check it out and then maybe a little bit of sponsorship.

00:00:32.000 I think the reality of the uncensored nature of this podcast makes it very problematic for anybody to want to be professionally associated with it.

00:00:40.000 No, if I go to my dad's garage, he has a fucking Pamela Anderson poster on the wall, and he has all these WD-40 products.

00:00:47.000 They have, like, these WD-40 pens now, where it's just like, if you just want to dab something with...

00:00:51.000 The fleshlight?

00:00:52.000 Yeah.

00:00:52.000 WD-40's a lubricant?

00:00:54.000 Could you imagine?

00:00:55.000 Dude, that's true.

00:00:56.000 Can you imagine what kind of damage you'd do to your dick if you fucked the fleshlight and you squirted WD-40?

00:01:01.000 That's what Jay Leno does.

00:01:01.000 Jay Leno does that shit all day.

00:01:05.000 That's what Jay Leno does!

00:01:07.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:01:08.000 What do you think that black spot in his hair is?

00:01:10.000 It's from juicing all over his fucking head.

00:01:12.000 WD-40 squirting out the tip of the fucking...

00:01:14.000 Jay Leno's got black loads.

00:01:17.000 Oil-like loads.

00:01:20.000 It's been around cars too long.

00:01:21.000 Could you imagine if you love cars so much that you really try to jerk off to gasoline?

00:01:26.000 You really try to pour gas in your hand and beat off with it?

00:01:29.000 I mean, it is like a lubricant, right?

00:01:30.000 It is liquid.

00:01:31.000 Gas is a great smell.

00:01:33.000 Could you jerk?

00:01:33.000 No, that would have to be unbelievably painful, right?

00:01:36.000 You realize you're pitching some sort of extreme reality show.

00:01:39.000 What can you jerk off with?

00:01:41.000 Yeah, and it's a combination of some perverted show and name that tune.

00:01:45.000 Like, I can jerk off with gasoline.

00:01:47.000 Joe Rogan, jerk off with that gasoline.

00:01:50.000 I just got a fucking bandana on because of the fumes.

00:01:54.000 I can come in three strokes.

00:01:58.000 Jesus, that didn't take long.

00:01:59.000 How many minutes?

00:02:01.000 Three minutes into this?

00:02:02.000 If you had a race to come, ready, go.

00:02:04.000 There's a fucking camera on you.

00:02:06.000 You're alone in a fucking white room, and you don't get to watch anybody else beat off, so you have to imagine, and it's for a million dollars.

00:02:15.000 The people who get off on that are people who always fantasized about being in a room with just a camera.

00:02:21.000 Game shows always turned me on.

00:02:23.000 I don't know what it was.

00:02:23.000 If you were a freak reality star gay dude, that would probably be a good gig for you.

00:02:29.000 You could probably win that contest the quickest.

00:02:32.000 Outright.

00:02:32.000 Yeah.

00:02:33.000 Because you would really be worried about guys watching you beat off.

00:02:37.000 Or like athletes who don't freeze up in like game sevens.

00:02:40.000 Can take the big shot.

00:02:41.000 They don't care with all that attention.

00:02:43.000 I was watching some documentary on prison and there was one dude who claimed that he had an affair with, there was a female prison guard and he wound up fucking this female prison guard and some shit went on and she got in trouble for it.

00:02:57.000 Wow!

00:02:58.000 The guy, apparently he could make his dick hard and ejaculate all without touching himself.

00:03:07.000 That's how much free time that dude had.

00:03:09.000 That dude was in jail for so long, he figured out a way...

00:03:12.000 Talk about game, though.

00:03:13.000 Yeah.

00:03:14.000 To be in the prison cell.

00:03:15.000 You know, she's fucking with her career, her ability to pay her mortgage, and he's still got it.

00:03:20.000 He probably did that trick.

00:03:22.000 She got all fascinated.

00:03:22.000 I think he showed her that.

00:03:24.000 I think he showed her that.

00:03:25.000 I bet she just couldn't take it.

00:03:26.000 I mean, that was like the ultimate pimp move.

00:03:28.000 You're in a cage, locked up in a cage.

00:03:31.000 And you can make yourself nut all over yourself, and it's so hot that the guard, the one person, she's free.

00:03:38.000 She just works there.

00:03:40.000 She just works around you, and you're stuck in a box.

00:03:42.000 What did he do for a crime, too?

00:03:44.000 I don't know.

00:03:45.000 I wish I had all the details of the story.

00:03:47.000 Or that it was actually true.

00:03:48.000 I mean, she could have just made that shit up.

00:03:50.000 That's a pretty extraordinary thing.

00:03:53.000 Is there a guy who can do that?

00:03:54.000 I've seen guys blow themselves.

00:03:55.000 I didn't know if it was entirely...

00:03:57.000 I was with a guy who...

00:03:59.000 We went to a titty bar.

00:04:02.000 I don't think he got a lap dance.

00:04:03.000 He was just looking at this girl.

00:04:05.000 He got so turned on.

00:04:07.000 He blew it in his pants.

00:04:08.000 And I laughed.

00:04:10.000 He didn't tell me until like weeks later.

00:04:12.000 And it was one of the hardest I ever laughed because he was laughing.

00:04:15.000 He had a great sense of humor about himself.

00:04:17.000 So dude, it was just one of those fucking, you're just crying, laughing.

00:04:22.000 Like there was the first wave of what?

00:04:24.000 This is the fucking way.

00:04:26.000 And he was like, dude, I don't know.

00:04:29.000 I was just sitting there.

00:04:30.000 He's like a pothead.

00:04:31.000 I was just sitting there.

00:04:31.000 I don't know.

00:04:32.000 He just came in his pants.

00:04:35.000 Anyway, this is the longest Fleshlight commercial of all time.

00:04:39.000 That's like some shit.

00:04:40.000 Maybe you do it when you're like, I don't know, 11?

00:04:43.000 Is that a clock?

00:04:43.000 Is that what that is?

00:04:44.000 That's the commercial reminder.

00:04:45.000 Oh.

00:04:46.000 12?

00:04:48.000 Yeah, that's ridiculous.

00:04:49.000 Yeah, the ability.

00:04:50.000 I think we got Bill Burr contact high.

00:04:52.000 What do you think?

00:04:52.000 I think so.

00:04:53.000 I think, Bill Burr, you might be contact high right now, son.

00:04:56.000 You might have got hotboxed in this small room.

00:04:58.000 It could have happened.

00:04:59.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for the flashlight, enter the code name ROGAN, and you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:05:06.000 We are also brought to you by Onnit, Onnit, makers of AlphaBrain.com.

00:05:10.000 Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood, the 5-HTP and Serotonin Boosting Supplement.

00:05:17.000 All that stuff is answered on Onnit.com if you have any questions rather.

00:05:21.000 It's all answered on Onnit.com.

00:05:23.000 What they are is essentially they're nutrients that make your brain function better.

00:05:28.000 It's very controversial.

00:05:30.000 I believe in it and I want to make it as easy as possible where people don't feel even remotely ripped off.

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00:05:50.000 We're way more concerned with making sure that nobody feels ripped off than we are with making money.

00:05:55.000 That is my number one priority.

00:05:57.000 And all of these things, all these different nootropics, Are all things that I've been into before I ever had anything to do with Onnit.

00:06:05.000 If you use the code name Rogan, you'll save yourself 10% off.

00:06:09.000 Okay, cue the music.

00:06:11.000 Bill Burr's here.

00:06:13.000 And like I said, I think...

00:06:14.000 I think you got a contact.

00:06:17.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:06:19.000 Train by day!

00:06:20.000 Joe Rogan Podcast by night!

00:06:21.000 All day!

00:06:26.000 Is that a new thing you're doing there, DJs?

00:06:28.000 I'm just really stoned.

00:06:30.000 DJ RD... Powerful, Bill Barr.

00:06:33.000 Good to see you, buddy.

00:06:34.000 What's going on?

00:06:35.000 Good to see you too, sir.

00:06:36.000 It's fucking awesome to have you come down here again.

00:06:38.000 Always a good time.

00:06:40.000 And you were telling a fucking hilarious story about eating a pot brownie and about how fucked up it got you.

00:06:46.000 Yeah, I did that now.

00:06:47.000 It's brutal.

00:06:47.000 I guess this is a story that you had told on our first podcast, but I forgot it.

00:06:51.000 But it's fucking hilarious.

00:06:53.000 It's true, kids.

00:06:54.000 Don't just eat pot.

00:06:56.000 That shit is way stronger than smoking pot.

00:06:59.000 Four to five times more psychoactive.

00:07:02.000 Yeah, nobody told me that.

00:07:03.000 The person I was with didn't know.

00:07:05.000 And, yeah, so I had two and a half.

00:07:07.000 I have a sweet tooth, you know what I mean?

00:07:09.000 Oh, no.

00:07:10.000 I had one.

00:07:11.000 She had half of one.

00:07:13.000 Right?

00:07:14.000 She had half of one.

00:07:15.000 Then I ate her other half.

00:07:18.000 I don't remember.

00:07:19.000 And then there was another half left, and I threw that.

00:07:22.000 Because she was getting high, and I wasn't feeling anything.

00:07:24.000 And then we got in a car and went to Newark Airport to go fly to Costa Rica.

00:07:29.000 And by the time I got there, dude, it was insane.

00:07:32.000 I was borderline hallucinating.

00:07:34.000 Dude, the eating of it is, if you go back to early literature on hash eating, Like the kind of things that people were describing when they were eating hash.

00:07:45.000 These incredible psychedelic experiences.

00:07:48.000 People don't realize that's not just like getting high.

00:07:51.000 You're not just like smoking a little reefer and kicking back and, hey, this movie's kind of funny.

00:07:57.000 This fucking pizza tastes so good now.

00:07:58.000 No, you ate two pot brownies where you probably should have ate a quarter of one of them because they're fucking notoriously strong.

00:08:06.000 When was the last time you ever heard of anybody getting really shitty brownies?

00:08:10.000 Seven days ago.

00:08:11.000 Seven days ago you heard someone getting shitty brownies?

00:08:14.000 Me, I got shitty brownies.

00:08:15.000 Where?

00:08:16.000 I think they were mushroom brownies.

00:08:18.000 Oh, you just got them from a dude.

00:08:19.000 Some guy just gave it to me at a fucking show, and then I felt like I was tripping.

00:08:23.000 You're crazy.

00:08:24.000 You're eating things people are just giving you at shows?

00:08:25.000 Yeah, that's like Jim Morrison shit, walking down the street eating whatever anybody gives you.

00:08:29.000 Yeah, I go to a dispensary that I trust, and you get used to whatever they're...

00:08:36.000 Their sort of labeling is.

00:08:38.000 But when you've got to ask them, what do you do?

00:08:40.000 It really is the new frontier.

00:08:42.000 There's really no governmental sticker that's on there.

00:08:45.000 This is 4.5% alcohol.

00:08:48.000 It gets silly because they have X's, especially baked goods.

00:08:52.000 See, with marijuana, if it's just marijuana that you smoke, it's pretty obvious.

00:08:56.000 Even if it's really strong marijuana, you know what you're smoking, you know what the size of it is, how much THC is going to get in there from a bowl or a joint.

00:09:06.000 When you eat something, they have these weird labels on them like 5X and 3X, but X is, there's no real X. It's not like X equals 10 milligrams.

00:09:17.000 It's just, they're just making it up.

00:09:18.000 So it doesn't mean anything.

00:09:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:09:20.000 No, just smelling when you guys smoked it took me back to that fucking horrific.

00:09:24.000 I could tell.

00:09:25.000 Yeah, I'm all set on it.

00:09:26.000 It'd be like if you ever puked on a drink, you know what I mean?

00:09:29.000 Like a long time ago, one of the worst I ever puked was drinking rum and cokes.

00:09:34.000 And for like 25 years, I never had another rum and cokes.

00:09:37.000 Not 25. What am I talking about?

00:09:38.000 That old.

00:09:39.000 Like 20 years.

00:09:40.000 You just smelled it and it would just make you sick?

00:09:41.000 I just immediately associated with puking outside, you know, underage drinking and that type of shit.

00:09:48.000 So when I smelled that stuff, I was just like, oof.

00:09:50.000 I had one of those with Jack Daniels for a long time.

00:09:54.000 Oh, it was fucking...

00:09:55.000 The first time I got drunk, I got drunk with some friends in high school, and oh my God, I had no idea what I was doing.

00:10:02.000 I mean, there's just no idea how to drink at all.

00:10:03.000 First time you got drunk, you drank Jack Daniels?

00:10:05.000 Yeah.

00:10:06.000 Jesus.

00:10:07.000 Yeah, at a party with a bunch of my friends that were all like serious stoners, but I wouldn't smoke pot because I was...

00:10:14.000 Doing martial arts, and I thought that pot was a drug, and pot would fuck you up.

00:10:18.000 But I would drink every now and then with them, and the first time I ever did, it was, oh my god, I was so disgustingly blasted.

00:10:25.000 On Jack Daniels!

00:10:25.000 I was old Milwaukee, just in comparison.

00:10:29.000 Jack Daniels is not the way to go.

00:10:30.000 My dad had a couple of strows, and I drank like a third, and I'm like, am I drunk?

00:10:36.000 There's no way I would do Jack Taylor.

00:10:38.000 I threw up in a car.

00:10:39.000 I threw up in a taxi cab.

00:10:42.000 I threw up in the backseat of the cab.

00:10:44.000 It was fucking horrible.

00:10:46.000 I can barely remember it.

00:10:47.000 When I talk about something that happened when I was like 14 or whatever the hell I was, it doesn't seem like I'm telling the truth.

00:10:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:10:54.000 It seems like I kind of have a memory of that, but boy, is it fucking fuzzy.

00:11:00.000 You know, if I had to describe to you, like...

00:11:03.000 Moments in high school.

00:11:03.000 Why?

00:11:03.000 Because it was so long ago?

00:11:04.000 It was a long fucking time ago, man.

00:11:06.000 I'm 44 now.

00:11:08.000 When I look back when I was 14, I don't really remember what the fuck happened back then.

00:11:12.000 I remember a few things.

00:11:13.000 I can tell you where we lived.

00:11:15.000 I can tell you what street we lived on.

00:11:16.000 But if I try to get specific, I went back to where I grew up the other day.

00:11:21.000 It was really fascinating, man.

00:11:24.000 I went back to the house when I went to high school, that area of my life.

00:11:30.000 And everything looked different than I imagined it.

00:11:32.000 It was very strange.

00:11:33.000 It was like, man, my memories of this shit are blurry as fuck.

00:11:37.000 Like, you can start pulling them when you go back to towns.

00:11:40.000 Then, like, you go, oh, yeah, remember, this is where we did this.

00:11:43.000 Oh, yeah, this is where we did that.

00:11:44.000 They'll start pulling back.

00:11:46.000 How long had it been since you went back home?

00:11:48.000 Oh, it had been a long fucking time.

00:11:50.000 I moved out of Boston in probably 90...

00:11:55.000 Ninety-one, maybe?

00:11:56.000 Ninety-two?

00:11:56.000 So you haven't been back in, like, 21 years?

00:11:58.000 Yeah, I've been back just every now and then to do gigs.

00:12:02.000 Like, Boston itself made sense to me.

00:12:05.000 But then I went to Newton, where I grew up, and I went, like, the house where I used to live.

00:12:09.000 I went and looked at that, and I was like, wow, this is crazy.

00:12:12.000 This is strange.

00:12:13.000 I've done that.

00:12:13.000 Going back to houses when I was a kid, and you thought the front yard was, like, nine miles long.

00:12:17.000 It's like you could make it to the front door in two steps.

00:12:20.000 That's why when you were a kid, you thought it snowed more.

00:12:22.000 It's because you were a midget.

00:12:23.000 You were just walking around.

00:12:25.000 Every snowstorm is up to your waist, you know?

00:12:27.000 I think that's good for you.

00:12:29.000 I think it's good to grow up in a place where it snows, to have a little respect for nature.

00:12:34.000 A little versity.

00:12:35.000 We grew up in Boston, man.

00:12:37.000 In Boston, you fucking respected nature for six months out of the year.

00:12:41.000 For six months out of the year, you knew what the fuck was going on.

00:12:44.000 If you had a flat on the side of the road, you might die, okay?

00:12:47.000 How about that?

00:12:48.000 How about that?

00:12:49.000 You know, you could be out on your way to Mansfield.

00:12:51.000 And they don't find you in time.

00:12:53.000 The state patrol, you know, the patrol.

00:12:55.000 You get hit by some guy driving by?

00:12:57.000 Yeah.

00:12:57.000 That happened to a friend of mine from high school.

00:12:59.000 Dead.

00:13:00.000 He was changing a tire.

00:13:01.000 Guy hit the car and killed him.

00:13:03.000 Oof.

00:13:03.000 Yeah.

00:13:04.000 Fuck that, man.

00:13:05.000 That bring up a bad memory.

00:13:07.000 I remember being convicted of drinking and driving.

00:13:09.000 I had to go to a Mother's Against Drunk Driving meeting.

00:13:11.000 And I was all paranoid.

00:13:13.000 There was gonna be like 10 mothers screaming at me about what a piece of shit I was.

00:13:16.000 And when I went there, it was the exact opposite.

00:13:17.000 It was like 200 drunks sitting there and some woman trying to tell the story about her kid while all these fucking drunks bitched about their cases.

00:13:27.000 Two are going like, I only blew a.08!

00:13:30.000 And she's standing up.

00:13:31.000 They go, well, you know, you probably should discuss that with the judge.

00:13:35.000 So Johnny was changing his tire after bad practice.

00:13:38.000 It was fucking...

00:13:39.000 No, that was a watershed moment for me because I couldn't judge him.

00:13:42.000 I was like, I am in this demographic of fucking idiots.

00:13:44.000 It was like, I am a 22-year-old freshman in college.

00:13:48.000 I'm a fucking loser.

00:13:49.000 And like within 12 months, I started doing stand-up and I got away from all of that crap.

00:13:54.000 You don't drink at all anymore, right?

00:13:56.000 No, I do.

00:13:56.000 You do?

00:13:57.000 I do.

00:13:57.000 I took a year and two days off.

00:13:59.000 I wish I didn't start back up.

00:14:01.000 It's just a bad habit.

00:14:02.000 I mean, I don't get like, you know.

00:14:03.000 But I love it.

00:14:05.000 I love drinking.

00:14:05.000 I love getting hammered.

00:14:07.000 I hate the next day, how I feel.

00:14:11.000 Yeah.

00:14:12.000 But I like all that shit.

00:14:14.000 I mean, all the shit that's bad for you.

00:14:16.000 I like it.

00:14:17.000 Yeah, it's a very unfortunate, that next day feeling, you know.

00:14:21.000 You gotta switch the waters at some point.

00:14:23.000 That's when you become a professional.

00:14:25.000 That still doesn't really help.

00:14:27.000 You're wrecking yourself.

00:14:29.000 Yeah, I understand.

00:14:30.000 I mean, none of it's good.

00:14:31.000 I do bad shows if I'm hungover.

00:14:34.000 I don't like my shows.

00:14:35.000 They don't feel good.

00:14:36.000 They don't have the flow to them.

00:14:39.000 I just hate that feeling.

00:14:41.000 I hate the feeling of being on stage.

00:14:43.000 And it would be my fault if I was hungover.

00:14:46.000 If I was hungover on stage, it's my fault that I'm working at like three-quarter speed right now or it's not clicking right now.

00:14:53.000 Well, I wish I could just have one, but it's not satisfying because you have one and then you want a hundred.

00:14:59.000 And then you drink a hundred and then you feel like shit.

00:15:02.000 And like if I just drink one, like if I have one at lunch, then it's like I want to go take a nap.

00:15:09.000 Really?

00:15:09.000 I either got to keep going.

00:15:10.000 If I keep going, I can go for like, you know, a good hardcore four or a gentleman six.

00:15:19.000 And then I'm done.

00:15:22.000 Do you feel pulled to it?

00:15:26.000 No!

00:15:27.000 Is it like Gollum in the ring?

00:15:28.000 No, I don't even know what that means.

00:15:30.000 Precious!

00:15:31.000 Oh, precious!

00:15:33.000 No, no, no, no.

00:15:35.000 It wants us to drink it, precious!

00:15:38.000 I don't even know what that is.

00:15:39.000 You didn't see the Lord of the Rings?

00:15:41.000 You didn't see the Lord of the Rings?

00:15:42.000 I went to one of those and it was so fucking long and every time...

00:15:46.000 They would fade to black.

00:15:47.000 I'd be like, just roll the credits.

00:15:49.000 Just roll the credits.

00:15:51.000 And then they would open up on some big field and it's just like, Jesus, get the fucking thing back to the guy so we can get out of here.

00:15:58.000 I hate...

00:15:59.000 You know what?

00:16:00.000 I fucking hate all of those movies.

00:16:02.000 And I fucking hate people who don't have a sense of humor about the bullshit that they watched when they were kids.

00:16:08.000 Like, adults who talk about Star Wars.

00:16:11.000 Like, that isn't a fucking weak movie now when you watch it.

00:16:15.000 I mean, like, how...

00:16:16.000 It's terrible.

00:16:17.000 It's horrific.

00:16:18.000 I was making fun of the other night.

00:16:20.000 The other night, I came home.

00:16:22.000 I got free Cinemax, which is the greatest fucking channel ever.

00:16:27.000 24 hours a day, they're either showing the greatest movie ever or the worst fucking movie ever, and it's all compelling.

00:16:33.000 I watched like nine movies in a row.

00:16:35.000 This fucking channel is unbelievable.

00:16:37.000 So, I ended up flipping up...

00:16:41.000 Because later night they just had some sort of you know softcore porn which is ridiculous now when you have the internet so it just was redundant so I got off of that so I went on to VH1 and they were playing this show Metal Mania and I was watching all these bands and these videos that I just thought were fucking sick and they're into the devil dude I was just, by the end of it, I was like, how was this better than disco?

00:17:01.000 Like, why did disco get so much shit?

00:17:03.000 Like, I'm not talking about, like, the Iron Maidens, the Metallicas, but you know what I'm talking about.

00:17:08.000 That middle of the fucking ground, those people with the spiked fucking gloves, and all this stupid shit, and raw meat, and it was just, it was horseshit.

00:17:17.000 It was fucking...

00:17:18.000 I watched it.

00:17:19.000 It was the dumbest shit ever.

00:17:20.000 It was embarrassing that I... Granted, I had all of that music still on my iPod.

00:17:26.000 I'm not above it.

00:17:27.000 But if someone from this generation were to come back and tell me that music was awful and was stupid, I would laugh.

00:17:33.000 There's no way I could defend it.

00:17:35.000 Isn't it weird how you look at...

00:17:37.000 If you look at music or you look at movies...

00:17:40.000 That's like one of the clearest examples of, like, some sort of evolution or progress is going on with humans.

00:17:48.000 Because, like, the movies of the past, like, so many of them are, they're so clunky and the style of communicating is so artificial.

00:17:58.000 It looks...

00:18:00.000 It's such a shit representation of life in comparison to a real good movie.

00:18:06.000 Until the 60s.

00:18:07.000 Once they figured out just acting on film, those people just learning how to do it.

00:18:13.000 So everything was going to be not...

00:18:15.000 Let me tell you something.

00:18:16.000 That type of acting had to go away with the Brandos and the James Deans and those guys.

00:18:22.000 And then you had to have the...

00:18:24.000 There's movies back there like Jack Lemmon, The Apartment.

00:18:28.000 Well, The Hustler.

00:18:29.000 It's way ahead of its time now.

00:18:31.000 The Hustler.

00:18:31.000 The Hustler is an amazing movie.

00:18:32.000 Stanley Kubrick.

00:18:34.000 Yeah.

00:18:34.000 That type of shit.

00:18:35.000 There were some people that were getting it right.

00:18:36.000 Still holds up, though.

00:18:37.000 But the bad movies from the 60s and the 70s?

00:18:40.000 Try to watch Jaws 3D. Oh yeah, no, that's just bad.

00:18:45.000 That's a bad one.

00:18:46.000 There's some bad movies.

00:18:47.000 But they still have movies like that.

00:18:49.000 Oh yeah, for sure, to this day.

00:18:51.000 That Transformer shit, even though I didn't see it.

00:18:53.000 I never vibe with sci-fi people, like sci-fi listeners.

00:18:57.000 I always get trashed by them because I just don't...

00:19:00.000 I just don't get it.

00:19:01.000 You don't get sci-fi at all?

00:19:02.000 No.

00:19:02.000 If it's like Aliens, it has to be high quality.

00:19:06.000 Aliens is like the Goodfellas of that sci-fi.

00:19:10.000 On top shelf sci-fi, I'm going to be in the Blade Runner, Aliens, and that type of shit.

00:19:15.000 But if I'm just going to go, oh, we're in Hoth.

00:19:18.000 I don't know what the fuck that's from.

00:19:19.000 What is Hoth?

00:19:20.000 That's a Star Wars thing?

00:19:21.000 I don't know.

00:19:21.000 I don't know what that is.

00:19:22.000 Yeah, like one of those fucking things with the action figures and shit.

00:19:26.000 It's just...

00:19:27.000 Did you like Transformers?

00:19:28.000 I didn't like Chewbacca.

00:19:31.000 You didn't like Chewbacca?

00:19:32.000 I didn't get Chewbacca.

00:19:33.000 It's like, dude, you're a fucking...

00:19:34.000 He's a fucking awesome guy to have around.

00:19:35.000 He's huge.

00:19:36.000 Can you imagine you could party with Bigfoot?

00:19:38.000 I would totally party with Bigfoot.

00:19:40.000 Yeah, but he should be ripping somebody's arms off.

00:19:41.000 He's shooting a gun like he's a...

00:19:43.000 Well, he's a badass.

00:19:45.000 He's limited.

00:19:45.000 He knows how to shoot guns, too.

00:19:46.000 He'll rip your fucking arms off, but he can also shoot you from a distance.

00:19:49.000 Bitch!

00:19:49.000 He's limited.

00:19:50.000 Oh, I like Chewbacca.

00:19:51.000 I would totally hang out with him.

00:19:53.000 You know what I didn't like about him?

00:19:55.000 He was a follower.

00:19:56.000 He started hanging out with all the humans.

00:19:58.000 Next thing you know, he's sitting upright in chairs.

00:20:01.000 Right?

00:20:01.000 Sipping little juicy juices.

00:20:04.000 Yeah.

00:20:06.000 I wonder if he can understand us.

00:20:07.000 Could they understand him?

00:20:08.000 They could speak that?

00:20:09.000 I think it was a language, but we just didn't understand it.

00:20:13.000 He said the same fucking thing every time.

00:20:15.000 Not that many Wookiees.

00:20:17.000 It's like Chewbacca and there's no other famous Wookiees.

00:20:21.000 He was like the Dodo bird.

00:20:23.000 Isn't that weird?

00:20:23.000 We're going to be destroyed on Twitter because our Star Wars knowledge sucks and you know we're going to get this shit forever.

00:20:29.000 Dude, there's a fucking million Wookiees!

00:20:32.000 There's a nation of Wookiees!

00:20:34.000 There's a federation of Wookiees!

00:20:37.000 You know not what you're talking about!

00:20:39.000 Yeah, but there's nothing better than just having a fucking 10% knowledge of those movies and just criticizing them because it's just driving some kid nuts.

00:20:48.000 If you look at old TV shows like Father Knows Best and then watch something good today, The Office.

00:20:55.000 Is The Office good?

00:20:56.000 That's what you're supposed to say.

00:20:58.000 I haven't watched it.

00:20:59.000 I think it's good.

00:21:00.000 I haven't watched a sitcom in years.

00:21:02.000 I haven't watched anything since maybe Larry Sanders.

00:21:06.000 I just watched sports.

00:21:08.000 Larry Sanders?

00:21:09.000 No, not Larry Sanders.

00:21:10.000 Unless something huge happens.

00:21:11.000 What the fuck's his name?

00:21:12.000 Larry David?

00:21:13.000 Larry David.

00:21:14.000 Jesus Christ.

00:21:14.000 I was watching some classic Seinfeld last night.

00:21:16.000 That shit is fucking hilarious.

00:21:18.000 Larry Sanders was awesome too, by the way.

00:21:18.000 That was an awesome show, Larry Sanders.

00:21:20.000 I don't know why I pulled that out of my ass.

00:21:21.000 Yeah.

00:21:22.000 But yeah.

00:21:23.000 Yeah, it was an amazing show.

00:21:24.000 Seinfeld, remember that episode where Elaine, every time she went to the doctor, that doctor wrote down notes about her?

00:21:30.000 I only saw a few Seinfelds, quite honestly.

00:21:33.000 Maybe saw like five or six of them ever, for whatever reason.

00:21:36.000 Because you were headlining and you were on a hit sitcom.

00:21:39.000 I was not on a hit sitcom.

00:21:41.000 I was on a sitcom that was like number 84 in the ratings.

00:21:45.000 When news radio was on, it did terrible.

00:21:47.000 It was terrible in the ratings.

00:21:49.000 It did good when it was in good time slots.

00:21:51.000 But they moved us around nine times over five years.

00:21:55.000 So nobody ever got cocky.

00:21:58.000 Everybody was like, you can't fucking...

00:22:00.000 There was always that good show that they just kept moving around.

00:22:04.000 And the creators were losing their fucking minds.

00:22:07.000 But you guys made syndication though, right?

00:22:09.000 Yeah, it did, but barely.

00:22:10.000 It's kind of funny.

00:22:11.000 We only did 98 episodes.

00:22:12.000 You're supposed to have 100 for syndication.

00:22:15.000 I'm pretty sure we only had 98. How does that work?

00:22:18.000 Do you get checks now for like 3 cents?

00:22:20.000 Does it still work?

00:22:21.000 Is it halfway decent?

00:22:22.000 I should be asking that on air.

00:22:24.000 No, it's okay.

00:22:25.000 People think you get really rich from it.

00:22:27.000 The people that get rich from it are the people that own it.

00:22:29.000 So if you own the show and you sell it, the actors, they're going to get compensated.

00:22:34.000 They get compensated very well, but it's not like what a show runner makes.

00:22:39.000 So when people see, like, oh, he's on syndication, he's rich, not necessarily at all.

00:22:43.000 Yeah, because it seems like the stuff I do, the first time you get paid, it's great.

00:22:47.000 Next time they cut it in half on the second running, and then all of a sudden you start getting checks for $1.30.

00:22:53.000 But when you're Tim Allen or someone like that who has a home improvement, then he owns, I'm sure he must have owned at least a chunk of that show.

00:23:01.000 So when that shit goes to syndication, you just fucking rake it in.

00:23:04.000 It was worth it for him, I guess, to stop doing stand-up for a long time.

00:23:08.000 I shouldn't speak out of turn because I don't know if this is really true.

00:23:11.000 This is just what I had heard.

00:23:13.000 Was that Tim Allen was a very good stand-up.

00:23:15.000 You ever watched Tim Allen back in the day?

00:23:17.000 No, that's what I heard.

00:23:18.000 He was a very good stand-up.

00:23:19.000 And, you know, a fun guy to watch.

00:23:21.000 He was fun.

00:23:22.000 But his show was just a little rowdy.

00:23:25.000 Not dirty.

00:23:27.000 It wasn't like Kinnison or anything like that.

00:23:30.000 But I guess it was too rowdy for the show.

00:23:34.000 They were saying, look, you're going to be on...

00:23:37.000 Home improvement.

00:23:38.000 You should tone that shit down.

00:23:39.000 You should stop performing.

00:23:42.000 You're out there and you're saying crazy things about drills and hammers and you've got to get us in trouble.

00:23:48.000 This probably wasn't the shit about the drills and hammers.

00:23:50.000 I imagine it was the shit about being in jail in fucking Michigan or whatever.

00:23:55.000 That's all the stuff.

00:23:56.000 Yeah, that I would want to hear.

00:23:58.000 Yeah, well that was a weird thing when you hear about that.

00:24:00.000 You're like, whoa, you could go to jail and then wind up on TV. That's pretty fucking badass.

00:24:04.000 Yeah.

00:24:04.000 No, when you get out of jail, you either get into sales or show business.

00:24:08.000 Those are the only two places they don't give a fuck.

00:24:10.000 I hacked a guy up.

00:24:12.000 Alright, well, you know, do like five.

00:24:14.000 Bring up the next guy.

00:24:15.000 There was a dude that we knew from Rhode Island that beat a guy to death with a stick.

00:24:20.000 I'm just thinking about this guy right now.

00:24:22.000 Do you know Eddie Galvin?

00:24:26.000 Uh, no.

00:24:27.000 From Rhode Island?

00:24:28.000 Was he gone by the time you were coming around?

00:24:31.000 Eddie Galvin?

00:24:32.000 Yeah.

00:24:33.000 I would remember the guy if he got beat to death.

00:24:35.000 No, no, no.

00:24:35.000 He didn't get beat to death.

00:24:36.000 He beat a guy to death.

00:24:37.000 Oh, Heckler?

00:24:38.000 I'm sure I'm saying his name right.

00:24:41.000 He was a really funny guy, though.

00:24:43.000 He was one of those Brian Holtzman type guys that was just like comics would get into the back of the room to watch him when he would go on stage and just go, Jesus fucking Christ, did he just say that?

00:24:52.000 He was a crazy dude.

00:24:55.000 Who did he beat to death?

00:24:56.000 Oh, some guy.

00:24:58.000 I don't know the story.

00:25:00.000 I don't know what happened.

00:25:02.000 I might not even be right.

00:25:04.000 Jesus, what did you smoke before this?

00:25:07.000 This is so random.

00:25:09.000 I don't even know if that happened.

00:25:11.000 You just thought of Rhode Island and this whole movie started playing in your head.

00:25:15.000 What's a famous movie that was shot in Rhode Island where someone gets beat to death?

00:25:19.000 I bet that's just playing in his head right now.

00:25:21.000 That's what he's remembering.

00:25:22.000 Did you ever see Friends of Eddie Coyle?

00:25:24.000 Is that it?

00:25:25.000 I saw that.

00:25:27.000 The Mitchum movie?

00:25:28.000 Robert Mitchum?

00:25:29.000 Yeah.

00:25:29.000 What a fucking great movie.

00:25:30.000 Yeah, that was a good movie.

00:25:31.000 What's-his-face from Everybody Loves Raymond is in it, right?

00:25:34.000 Yes, yes.

00:25:34.000 Peter Boyle.

00:25:36.000 Yeah, Peter Boyle.

00:25:37.000 I just saw that in the past year.

00:25:39.000 All of a sudden, it resurfaced.

00:25:40.000 Peter Boyle was a fucking amazing actor.

00:25:43.000 Holy shit, was that guy good.

00:25:44.000 That's a great movie.

00:25:46.000 That is a really good movie.

00:25:48.000 I like those kinds of movies.

00:25:49.000 That's the kind of shit I still like.

00:25:50.000 If I buy something on DVD, I'm going to buy like the Dirty Dozen.

00:25:54.000 Yeah.

00:25:55.000 Magnificent Seven, like that era.

00:25:57.000 You know what I bought the other day?

00:25:58.000 Le Mans with Steve McQueen.

00:26:00.000 Steve McQueen, yeah.

00:26:01.000 Goddamn.

00:26:01.000 That's a badass movie.

00:26:02.000 That used to come out once a year.

00:26:03.000 They would play that on either TV 38 or WLVI Channel 56. I'm just saying this shit because I know you grew up that area.

00:26:11.000 That's why I watched all those guys.

00:26:13.000 All that Bronson, Lee Marvin, Clint Eastwood.

00:26:17.000 All of that shit.

00:26:17.000 And it was on a rotation the same time every year that they would play like the 8 o'clock movie.

00:26:22.000 Steve McQueen.

00:26:23.000 Did you ever watch it?

00:26:24.000 You've seen Le Mans?

00:26:25.000 Yeah.

00:26:25.000 There was like parts in that movie for like 5, 10 minutes where no one said a word.

00:26:31.000 Yeah.

00:26:32.000 For like 10 minutes.

00:26:33.000 Like you watch the movie.

00:26:34.000 They're changing tires.

00:26:35.000 They're setting things up.

00:26:36.000 People go and get a cup of coffee.

00:26:38.000 All this shit is taking place.

00:26:39.000 No one's talking at all.

00:26:40.000 They're like, wow.

00:26:41.000 Wow!

00:26:42.000 This is like a different era.

00:26:43.000 It's a different world.

00:26:45.000 Yeah, that's when the directors took over.

00:26:47.000 The world of, like, Stanley Kubrick.

00:26:48.000 You know, the world of 2001. You know, before that whole movement happened, that back in the day, like, the director, all the director did, for the most part, was just make sure that you were in frame.

00:27:00.000 Really?

00:27:00.000 And that you said everything you said.

00:27:02.000 And then the second you wrapped on the movie, the studio took it and they edited the thing.

00:27:07.000 Wow.

00:27:08.000 And it wasn't until...

00:27:09.000 I don't know.

00:27:10.000 I'm really speaking out of turn because I know about as much about this as I do about Star Wars.

00:27:14.000 But like somewhere in the 60s is when the director started taking it over going like, no, this is my fucking film.

00:27:19.000 I'm going to edit this and we want to do it this way.

00:27:22.000 That was sort of the first wave of that.

00:27:24.000 And when that happened, that's when you had all the...

00:27:26.000 That's on Apocalypse Now.

00:27:28.000 Yeah.

00:27:28.000 Oh, that was sort of the...

00:27:29.000 Later.

00:27:30.000 That was 10 years after.

00:27:32.000 Yeah.

00:27:32.000 But that kind of...

00:27:33.000 All that type of stuff.

00:27:33.000 That kind of movie, that's where that comes from.

00:27:35.000 Yeah.

00:27:36.000 And that was like...

00:27:38.000 During that time, art was ridiculous.

00:27:40.000 The music, you had the tail end of the Beatles going on, those directors were taking over, and then Richard Pryor was finding his voice, and stand-up was coming out to the forefront.

00:27:48.000 That whole era in art is incredible.

00:27:51.000 Yeah.

00:27:52.000 But it's funny, but then they just...

00:27:54.000 That 70s show, they just boil it down to lava lamps.

00:27:57.000 It's like...

00:27:58.000 It was a little more interesting shit going on back then than that.

00:28:01.000 I mean, I know it's just a sitcom, but I'm just saying, you know.

00:28:05.000 The early 70s is Nixon resigning, and the late 70s is everybody doing coke, listening to disco, and then like, well, that's that decade.

00:28:13.000 Now we're into the 80s.

00:28:14.000 How about Nixon?

00:28:15.000 Michael J. Fox picture.

00:28:18.000 I remember when Nixon was president.

00:28:19.000 Do you remember?

00:28:21.000 I remember when I was a kid listening to him crying on the radio when he stepped down.

00:28:25.000 First Kent State and then Watergate.

00:28:28.000 Like, has there ever been a more fucked up, crooked guy shooting at fucking college students?

00:28:35.000 I thought Johnson was in office then.

00:28:37.000 No, no, that was Nixon.

00:28:38.000 That was Nixon.

00:28:39.000 Well, he wasn't there with the rifles, was he?

00:28:40.000 He probably was.

00:28:42.000 That's probably his idea.

00:28:44.000 He probably was.

00:28:44.000 Son of a bitch.

00:28:45.000 He probably wanted to silence these fucking punk kids.

00:28:49.000 Nixon was a creepy dude, man.

00:28:51.000 He was.

00:28:52.000 The fact that you're so paranoid that you fucking record yourself having conversations like what you thought was going to happen to you.

00:28:59.000 I think losing to Jack Kennedy just fucked with his head.

00:29:02.000 Yeah.

00:29:03.000 Because I guess he blew him away in the debates on the radio, but if you watched it on TV, Jack was sitting there looking like a movie star, looking like fucking Tony Curtis.

00:29:11.000 He's sitting there looking like some guy waiting to get his teeth cleaned.

00:29:17.000 It is true.

00:29:18.000 People will vote for looks.

00:29:20.000 No, he went from almost winning the presidency to his entire career being fucking over.

00:29:25.000 He then lost, I think, the governor race or something like that in California.

00:29:30.000 And he was completely out of office.

00:29:33.000 And they were like, that's it.

00:29:34.000 Game, set, match.

00:29:35.000 And like within four years, I don't know what happened.

00:29:37.000 Signed a deal with the devil.

00:29:38.000 That guy was in office.

00:29:40.000 Lyndon Johnson was growing his hair, going crazy.

00:29:43.000 And Nixon slid in.

00:29:45.000 Bobby Kennedy got whacked.

00:29:46.000 Doesn't it kill you that they just fucking knocked down the Ambassador Hotel?

00:29:49.000 Like, they just don't give a fuck about history out here.

00:29:51.000 Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?

00:29:52.000 If that was in Dallas, they would have like an entire, like, the entire block would be preserved.

00:29:56.000 Do you think it's an embarrassment?

00:29:59.000 You think that's why they knocked it down?

00:30:01.000 Because that's where Kennedy was shot?

00:30:02.000 No, because I think they do it with everything.

00:30:03.000 I find it frustrating out here because it's very hard to feel grounded out here with just the endless strip malls.

00:30:12.000 If there's a piece of history, there's a way to be like, okay, this is from then, and this is what happened, and then this happened, and now we're here.

00:30:19.000 This is the steakhouse where John Gotti shot Paul Castellano.

00:30:23.000 Yeah, that type of shit.

00:30:24.000 Like in New York, the Triangle Shirtwaist fire, and they got a little plaque.

00:30:27.000 They got all that shit.

00:30:29.000 You can kind of be like, all right, there's a bunch of Native Americans buried under here.

00:30:32.000 The Astros got a bunch of blood money, and now they have a subway stop named after them.

00:30:36.000 Cooper Union, that type of shit.

00:30:38.000 But you're out here, and it's just like, you know, like they had like, you know, before 9-11, like the biggest like act of terrorism, like, you know, blowing up a building, people jumping to their deaths and shit was the first L.A. Times building.

00:30:50.000 And it's not the one that's there.

00:30:51.000 Somebody blew it up at like 2 in the morning at the turn of the century.

00:30:55.000 And I can't find it on the fucking internet where it was.

00:30:57.000 I don't know what's there.

00:30:58.000 There's no plaque.

00:30:59.000 There's no nothing.

00:31:00.000 Go fuck yourself.

00:31:01.000 It burned down.

00:31:02.000 Here's the new one.

00:31:04.000 Wow.

00:31:04.000 And that's it.

00:31:05.000 Yeah.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, that's true.

00:31:07.000 There's not much of a sense of history here.

00:31:09.000 I mean, there's like the Chinese theater, right?

00:31:11.000 That's the big thing.

00:31:12.000 Man's Chinese theater.

00:31:13.000 That's like a landmark.

00:31:15.000 Dude, they'll knock that Ambassador Hotel.

00:31:16.000 I guarantee you there's like a Burger King sitting on top.

00:31:18.000 They don't give a Staples...

00:31:20.000 It's just, I don't know.

00:31:21.000 That's the one thing out here that fucks with me after a while.

00:31:26.000 We filmed Fear Factor there.

00:31:27.000 We filmed an episode there.

00:31:29.000 I remember being weirded out.

00:31:31.000 You went to it?

00:31:32.000 I'm killing myself that I never went.

00:31:33.000 Yeah, I walked through the kitchen.

00:31:35.000 I walked through where he got shot.

00:31:38.000 And what was going on at that time?

00:31:40.000 Was it shut down?

00:31:41.000 Yeah, they rented out for filming.

00:31:45.000 They rented out to people make movies there, and they were making TV shows there.

00:31:49.000 Wow!

00:31:49.000 How creepy was that?

00:31:51.000 I would have loved to have gone in there.

00:31:52.000 It was bizarre.

00:31:52.000 I wish I had known.

00:31:54.000 I don't think I knew you then, but if I had known, or you weren't here then, right?

00:31:58.000 I think I was living in New York.

00:31:59.000 Yeah, I'd met you, but if I knew someone was like a crazy Kennedy freak...

00:32:03.000 No, no, just a history, like that type of stuff.

00:32:06.000 But I mean, come on, man.

00:32:08.000 Did you ever go through that place in Dallas?

00:32:10.000 Have you ever driven through Dealey Plaza?

00:32:12.000 It was weird, right?

00:32:13.000 No, that was too much.

00:32:15.000 They preserved the...

00:32:16.000 You feel like it's weird that you're not in black and white as you're walking around.

00:32:21.000 I mean, they literally...

00:32:21.000 If you've never been there, to your listeners, the entire block is this...

00:32:26.000 Just watch...

00:32:27.000 Was it the Zapruder film?

00:32:29.000 Yeah, that's the one in color.

00:32:30.000 You're going to see...

00:32:32.000 You're going to see those buildings.

00:32:33.000 I mean, they're the same color, the whole thing.

00:32:36.000 Yeah, it's a real mindfuck, too.

00:32:38.000 Yeah, because a block away, it's 2012, and you go there, and it's November 1963. Bill Hicks had a great fucking joke about that place.

00:32:47.000 He goes, you go up to the book depository, and he goes, and I'm trying to do a Bill Hicks accent, and he goes, and they have it marked off, and it looks exactly the way it did in 1960, what was it, 3?

00:33:01.000 Yeah.

00:33:01.000 He goes, 1963. You know why?

00:33:03.000 Because Oswald's not there.

00:33:08.000 Oswald's not there either.

00:33:10.000 That's hilarious.

00:33:11.000 He goes, they don't let you look out the window.

00:33:13.000 Dude, just that line he says as he walks in, oh, so I'm the patsy.

00:33:16.000 That's the one that always sends a chill.

00:33:19.000 You know me.

00:33:20.000 Dude, I think everything is bullshit.

00:33:22.000 I think the NBA is fixed all the way up to this thing.

00:33:25.000 That's one of the most obvious pieces of bullshit.

00:33:26.000 And you know what?

00:33:27.000 Some fucking sports are fixed, man.

00:33:30.000 That's reality.

00:33:31.000 It's a lot of money.

00:33:32.000 The NBA had a mobbed-up ref, and then they did an in-house investigation, and then they did the Oswalt.

00:33:38.000 He acted alone.

00:33:40.000 Nothing to see here.

00:33:41.000 And they found...

00:33:42.000 How'd they catch the guy?

00:33:44.000 Dude, had a yacht.

00:33:47.000 Dude, had a Ferrari.

00:33:49.000 You know what?

00:33:50.000 I don't even know.

00:33:51.000 I just remember it came on the news and, you know, all gamblers were all yelling, I fucking knew it!

00:33:59.000 I knew it!

00:34:00.000 I knew this shit was fixed.

00:34:02.000 And then they tried to say it was just him.

00:34:04.000 And, you know, I'm not saying they all are.

00:34:07.000 I'm just saying, like, look, I compare it to this, like, Like, dude, remember when you had a day job and shit?

00:34:12.000 If two people were hooking up on the down low, how long did it take you to figure...

00:34:17.000 They thought nobody knew.

00:34:18.000 You could tell by their body language.

00:34:19.000 You could tell what the fuck they were doing.

00:34:21.000 You can't tell me you're on an NBA officiating team and you can't tell somebody is fixing games.

00:34:27.000 How many times?

00:34:27.000 Okay, he was kind of weird tonight, then he's weird again, and then weird again.

00:34:31.000 All of a sudden, you've got to be like, this guy is...

00:34:34.000 I don't know.

00:34:35.000 If you're sitting in the crowd and you can notice, I just don't think another professional referee can't notice.

00:34:39.000 I think it's...

00:34:40.000 They're investigating it right now, I heard.

00:34:43.000 One guy?

00:34:44.000 Yeah, well, I mean...

00:34:45.000 No, he already went to jail.

00:34:46.000 He's already in jail.

00:34:47.000 Oh.

00:34:48.000 I thought you were talking about the PAC fight.

00:34:50.000 Never mind.

00:34:51.000 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

00:34:52.000 We weren't talking about that, but we were going to.

00:34:54.000 We were going to.

00:34:55.000 I was going to ask you, what do you think about Pacquiao Bradley?

00:34:58.000 Was that fixed?

00:34:59.000 That was the worst decision I've ever seen in the history of boxing.

00:35:02.000 Never seen such a bad decision.

00:35:04.000 I didn't watch it, but here's my...

00:35:05.000 I don't know shit about the fight game, believe it or not, to look at me.

00:35:10.000 I don't know anything about it.

00:35:11.000 But I find it amazing that someone could come in at his light of weight, put on 40 pounds, not lose any speed, actually be stronger.

00:35:22.000 Like, I don't know.

00:35:22.000 How do you do that?

00:35:23.000 I don't know, man.

00:35:24.000 Okay.

00:35:25.000 I don't know, man.

00:35:26.000 You got to talk to him about all that.

00:35:27.000 I wouldn't.

00:35:28.000 I would never.

00:35:28.000 That guy, he'd headbutt me, then sing me a song, and then wait for me to wake up and kick the shit out of me again, right?

00:35:34.000 What do you need?

00:35:35.000 Explosives.

00:35:35.000 I'm looking for my phone, man.

00:35:37.000 Did you leave it in the bathroom?

00:35:39.000 No, that's what I was worried about.

00:35:40.000 I'm sorry.

00:35:41.000 I panicked.

00:35:43.000 I think the NBA is just as filthy as boxing.

00:35:49.000 Did you watch the boxing match?

00:35:52.000 Did you see the Pacquiao-Bradley fight?

00:35:53.000 No, I didn't.

00:35:54.000 But I've watched boxing.

00:35:55.000 I see what happens.

00:35:56.000 It's the only fight where I've never heard of a fight before where I haven't met a single person that thought Bradley won.

00:36:04.000 Not one person.

00:36:06.000 I mean, they must be out there.

00:36:07.000 So what's the reason for doing it?

00:36:08.000 To just make a bunch of money on all the people who made...

00:36:11.000 For a rematch?

00:36:12.000 For a rematch?

00:36:12.000 Because they don't think Mayweather's going to happen.

00:36:14.000 Yes.

00:36:14.000 Mayweather's in jail right now.

00:36:16.000 Yeah.

00:36:16.000 And look, if I... Not eating, from what I heard.

00:36:19.000 Oh, really?

00:36:19.000 Like a hunger strike?

00:36:22.000 Yeah, like, let me out of here or I'm going to die, is how I could tell.

00:36:27.000 Really?

00:36:28.000 Look, I have an AM radio in my truck.

00:36:31.000 I went under a bridge halfway through that story, so...

00:36:34.000 I don't know.

00:36:38.000 I don't know.

00:36:39.000 That's hilarious.

00:36:41.000 But that's what it sounded like.

00:36:42.000 Like a hunger strike?

00:36:43.000 Because the prosecuting attorney was like, well, what do you think?

00:36:46.000 He's in prison.

00:36:47.000 This isn't the fourth season.

00:36:49.000 Well...

00:36:49.000 See, this is how rumors get started in bars by shitheads like me who have like fucking half the information they need and then they just start pontificating to somebody's...

00:36:58.000 On the internet.

00:36:59.000 Who's...

00:36:59.000 Taking a couple of hits, and then you'll back me up.

00:37:02.000 Yeah, totally, dude.

00:37:04.000 Dude, I'm telling you.

00:37:04.000 Listen, I'm just happy to be in the conversation.

00:37:06.000 Yeah, dude.

00:37:07.000 Yeah, I bet that's exactly how they did it there.

00:37:10.000 You didn't even listen to the first half of it because you're freaking out about your phone.

00:37:16.000 Well, I know that Bob Arum and Floyd Mayweather did not get along.

00:37:20.000 And Bob Arum was Pacquiao's promoter, and Floyd Mayweather tried to make some sort of a deal with him, but he didn't want to do 50-50.

00:37:26.000 Like, they were having a hard time bargaining it out.

00:37:29.000 But if I was a promoter, and I was a crooked guy, and I was trying to fix something...

00:37:37.000 That would be, like, the perfect fight to fix.

00:37:40.000 Because there's nobody else that's interesting out there now that Mayweather's in jail.

00:37:44.000 So who else is interesting for him to fight?

00:37:47.000 I mean, if you were a mastermind...

00:37:48.000 There it is.

00:37:49.000 If you wanted to put together a conspiracy...

00:37:51.000 I'm convinced.

00:37:53.000 Exactly.

00:37:53.000 It's a brilliant money-making move.

00:37:56.000 And you've got to admire them, really.

00:37:58.000 Now everybody wants to watch Pacquiao get his revenge.

00:38:01.000 Exactly.

00:38:01.000 Dude, I mean, I think the NBA's the same way.

00:38:04.000 I think they have their guys that they want in the ring.

00:38:07.000 They finesse it.

00:38:08.000 Yeah.

00:38:09.000 Finessed.

00:38:09.000 And I also bet that Pacquiao's...

00:38:12.000 I bet there's probably some verbiage in his contract that changes how much money he gets based on whether or not he's a champion.

00:38:19.000 Based on whether or not he wins or loses.

00:38:21.000 I mean, I would imagine there would be something.

00:38:23.000 Maybe not.

00:38:24.000 I mean, he's such a draw.

00:38:26.000 Maybe that's nonsense.

00:38:27.000 Why would they gamble?

00:38:28.000 Something like that.

00:38:30.000 I like your theory that they would try and keep it interesting.

00:38:33.000 I think that's exactly what I would do if I was a corrupt guy.

00:38:36.000 I'm not saying that they did that, but I'm saying, look, if I was some dude in a Batman comic book that was manipulating, I got this boxing world under my thumb!

00:38:43.000 I don't think it's like that, dude.

00:38:45.000 It's a business.

00:38:46.000 It's a business, and you had a major asset.

00:38:49.000 Just get taken off the table.

00:38:51.000 What can we do to keep excitement going like that?

00:38:54.000 Did you hear today on Jim Rome, he asked David Stern if the NBA lottery was fixed.

00:39:03.000 I know it doesn't mean shit to you.

00:39:05.000 What is the NBA lottery?

00:39:06.000 The NBA lottery is basically, in most sports, if you have the worst record, When the draft comes around, all the new talent comes out of college or whatever, you get first pick.

00:39:16.000 So that way the worst teams can get better and it creates some sort of parity in theory.

00:39:24.000 But the NBA, to make it more exciting, they have a lottery.

00:39:28.000 So the lower ten or whatever the fuck it is, they all get a shot at possibly being number one.

00:39:36.000 So then they put a bunch of ping-pong balls into the thing, and then they pull it out like the Massachusetts State fucking lottery.

00:39:41.000 Whoa.

00:39:42.000 And they do that for whatever reason.

00:39:44.000 And some people think that they do it so every three or four years when there's a serious guy coming out who's going to be like a Pacquiao-level guy, but like a basketball player, as far as a drawing power of a Pacquiao.

00:39:57.000 And they have a major market that's hurting.

00:39:59.000 They manipulate it.

00:40:01.000 The first year they did it, all of a sudden, New York City, which had the worst chance of winning it, they won it.

00:40:06.000 And then they got Patrick Ewing, which was great for Hoop.

00:40:10.000 Like, that's something, if they do manipulate that, I'm just thinking, you know, that's just a good business plan.

00:40:14.000 You know?

00:40:15.000 But anyway, so this guy, Jim Rome, asked him, he asked him if it was fixed, which is a fucking hilarious and insane question to ask the commissioner of basketball.

00:40:24.000 Like, he's going to be like, yeah, you know what it is!

00:40:26.000 But he asked it, and I guess Stern freaked out.

00:40:30.000 And what did he say?

00:40:31.000 He said, how could you even ask me that?

00:40:33.000 He said, Jim, let me ask you this.

00:40:34.000 He goes, when did you stop beating your wife?

00:40:37.000 So everybody takes that literal.

00:40:39.000 I never heard of that, but I guess it's some old school expression that what he's really doing is he's criticizing your question by saying, when did you stop beating your wife?

00:40:53.000 The insinuation is that you're already beating your wife, even if you're totally innocent.

00:40:57.000 So Jim Rome didn't beat his wife.

00:40:59.000 He threw it at him like that, saying, that's what you're doing to me right now.

00:41:04.000 Wow, what kind of hidden fucking Stanley Kubrick symbolism is that?

00:41:08.000 I don't know.

00:41:09.000 And once again, I have not heard the audio.

00:41:13.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:41:14.000 I was driving over on the AM radio, going under bridges, and this is what I heard.

00:41:19.000 This is all I heard, you know?

00:41:20.000 I heard they found Sasquatch.

00:41:22.000 No, this is the thing about me, though.

00:41:23.000 I admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

00:41:26.000 It cuts down on so many angry emails, and it also makes people feel good about themselves.

00:41:30.000 Most people think they're as full of shit as I am, but they never have that honest moment with themselves.

00:41:36.000 Well, your full of shitness, though, creates art, creates comedy, you know?

00:41:40.000 Yeah, by being the butt of the joke.

00:41:42.000 I know how it works.

00:41:43.000 I think I don't know how my bread's buttered.

00:41:45.000 I got my voice down.

00:41:47.000 I'm a fucking idiot.

00:41:48.000 I make people feel smarter than they really are.

00:41:51.000 I set the bar low, Joe.

00:41:53.000 It's not a bad move.

00:41:54.000 I really like how you're rocking it.

00:41:56.000 Yeah.

00:41:57.000 I shouldn't be here.

00:41:58.000 I should have died of an appendicitis in 1980. Really?

00:42:03.000 But they had enough medicine to keep me going.

00:42:05.000 I'm one of the weak, Joe.

00:42:07.000 I shouldn't be here.

00:42:08.000 Whoa, one of the weak.

00:42:09.000 Yeah.

00:42:10.000 Is that how you feel?

00:42:12.000 I'm going to be allowed...

00:42:13.000 Yeah, I think that that's why, like, the sea of fucking morons that's out there, that's what it is.

00:42:19.000 It's all the penicillin that's available.

00:42:21.000 If you just brought it back a little bit, you know, I think we'd have a lot more shining stars out there.

00:42:27.000 You'd see people driving better.

00:42:29.000 If there was more disease?

00:42:31.000 If you just let the weak die off.

00:42:33.000 And I know I'm not going to make the cut.

00:42:35.000 Well...

00:42:38.000 Dude, there's only so much chicken.

00:42:40.000 There's only so much water out there.

00:42:42.000 We've outfucked all of it.

00:42:43.000 But that's a terrible decision because it's often...

00:42:47.000 I mean, there's a weird balance to the way life works.

00:42:50.000 And when you say the weak, often it's those weak that are inventing fucking iMacs.

00:42:57.000 Those are the ones that are figuring out how to make your internet faster and 4G phones.

00:43:01.000 They would have come up with that.

00:43:02.000 Yeah.

00:43:02.000 I don't think they would have come up with it.

00:43:04.000 Yes, they will.

00:43:05.000 You could leave those fucking sword-swinging dudes, you could leave them alone for a million years, come back, they'd still be hacking each other to death with swords.

00:43:13.000 No, no, I'm not painting with one color here.

00:43:16.000 I'm saying the best of the best of the IMAX guys, the best of the best of the guys who will beat you down, the dream team of human beings.

00:43:25.000 Is what I'm talking about here.

00:43:27.000 What I'm saying is the physically weak often are the most innovative.

00:43:31.000 I'm talking about the people when the fucking aliens show up.

00:43:33.000 The guys who got an actual game plan.

00:43:36.000 Those are the guys who are going to figure out how not to get on that spaceship and get eaten.

00:43:40.000 I mean, isn't this obvious, Joe?

00:43:43.000 This is...

00:43:45.000 Walking right down the street here.

00:43:47.000 If I was living in another planet and want a food source, people would be a good one.

00:43:51.000 We're like fucking rats on a sinking ship.

00:43:53.000 We're everywhere.

00:43:54.000 We're just scrambling.

00:43:56.000 I would come here.

00:43:57.000 We would be like a nice steakhouse with all the fat, marbled people.

00:44:00.000 Oh, we'd be the best.

00:44:01.000 We're well-fed.

00:44:04.000 It'd be like, instead of corn-fed, it'd be like, this one's from Texas.

00:44:08.000 This one's from Houston would be like the Kobe beef of human beings.

00:44:10.000 People would market vegans.

00:44:12.000 This is 100% vegan diet.

00:44:14.000 The guy ate nothing but plants.

00:44:17.000 Nothing but plants.

00:44:18.000 That would be like the edamame of human beings if he ate one of those guys.

00:44:23.000 Cannibalism, everybody, on the Joe Rogan Experience.

00:44:25.000 Well, we know that chimps eat monkeys.

00:44:28.000 Chimps eat.

00:44:28.000 Dude, and they have fucking assholes about it.

00:44:30.000 I hate chimps.

00:44:31.000 I fucking can't stand them, man.

00:44:33.000 I watched this fucking chimp rip this fucking...

00:44:38.000 They had this whole thing.

00:44:39.000 I know you've seen this.

00:44:40.000 You watch all of this shit.

00:44:42.000 They were basically...

00:44:43.000 I don't know what they did.

00:44:44.000 Set a trap.

00:44:45.000 Yeah, that one.

00:44:46.000 And they had the infrared thing where you could see where the chimps were going.

00:44:50.000 It's really scary.

00:44:51.000 Yeah, it's like they chased them down the street except it was in trees.

00:44:54.000 And they had two of their tufts hanging there.

00:44:56.000 And they basically drove this monkey right into the trap.

00:44:59.000 And this fucking chimp...

00:45:01.000 Grabs him, he's standing on his back, and rather than just twisting his head and ending his misery, he just starts digging into his back, pulling pieces out of him, and this fucking monkey's just going like...

00:45:13.000 Just freaking out.

00:45:14.000 Screaming.

00:45:14.000 And this fucking thing is just sitting there like...

00:45:17.000 He's biting on its hips.

00:45:18.000 I remember that.

00:45:18.000 He's like biting on its hips.

00:45:19.000 The monkey's screaming.

00:45:21.000 No way.

00:45:21.000 His little eyes are like bugging out of his head.

00:45:24.000 It's dark.

00:45:25.000 And that's our closest relatives.

00:45:27.000 Yeah.

00:45:27.000 And just like us, they're fucking evil.

00:45:30.000 Man.

00:45:30.000 I'd shoot a chimp, dude.

00:45:32.000 Would you?

00:45:33.000 If you saw him in the wild?

00:45:35.000 No, if he's in the wild...

00:45:36.000 In the zoo?

00:45:37.000 Right up to him.

00:45:37.000 Fuck you.

00:45:38.000 Pull it out.

00:45:40.000 This is for the monkey!

00:45:42.000 No, no.

00:45:43.000 There's certain animals I could kill.

00:45:45.000 I would be...

00:45:46.000 Once that person got their face ripped off by a chimp, I would be like a trigger-happy cop...

00:45:52.000 Well, that lady, she was giving that chimpanzee Xanax, man.

00:45:55.000 That's crazy.

00:45:56.000 She was giving it Xanax and wine.

00:45:58.000 I used to give my cat Flonase because it's Persian and always had breathing problems, and I was really stoned.

00:46:03.000 I'm like, I'll just put a little drop on the tip of her nose, and I'm like, that's probably the dumbest thing you could probably do.

00:46:07.000 Well, from what it's explained to me, I've never tried Xanax.

00:46:10.000 Jesus Christ, dude.

00:46:10.000 What the fuck is...

00:46:11.000 That stuff's bad for humans.

00:46:12.000 I have a cold.

00:46:13.000 Now I don't.

00:46:14.000 You still have one.

00:46:15.000 It's like that five-hour energy.

00:46:17.000 It's liquid Coke.

00:46:18.000 I need a nap.

00:46:19.000 Now I want to work all night.

00:46:20.000 You know what that is mostly?

00:46:22.000 It's a lot of vitamin B12. It's not even that much caffeine.

00:46:26.000 Those five-hour energies are actually healthier, like on a chemical profile level, than it is to drink a big Starbucks coffee.

00:46:34.000 I read that they are insane levels of everything that's good for you, which is never good.

00:46:38.000 A little bit, one glass of alcohol is good for you.

00:46:41.000 You're not supposed to chug the whole...

00:46:43.000 The whole thing.

00:46:44.000 You piss that out.

00:46:45.000 None of those you have to worry about.

00:46:47.000 It's not like you're drinking them all day, every day, and you're going to develop toxic amounts of vitamins.

00:46:51.000 Once again, Joe, I haven't read about it, but I've already made up my mind.

00:46:54.000 It's liquid coke.

00:46:55.000 That fucking stuff will kill you!

00:46:58.000 Do you remember that there was some shit called Redline?

00:47:01.000 Did you ever try Redline?

00:47:02.000 No.

00:47:02.000 I don't drink any of that shit.

00:47:04.000 It would say like three servings or something.

00:47:06.000 I don't know.

00:47:07.000 This I'm making up.

00:47:08.000 I don't know if it said three servings.

00:47:09.000 Hey, you're driving your car underneath a bridge.

00:47:11.000 You're in my arena now.

00:47:12.000 Let's go.

00:47:13.000 I'm in your arena because I don't want to get sued.

00:47:15.000 I don't want red line people to piss at me.

00:47:16.000 But it was the strongest fucking caffeinated beverage I've ever had in my life.

00:47:20.000 I remember drinking one.

00:47:22.000 I was tired and I was driving back from some gig and I got one at one of those 24 marts at a gas station.

00:47:27.000 And I said, I'll fucking drink this.

00:47:29.000 And I'm on my way home and I'm like...

00:47:31.000 Holy shit!

00:47:32.000 I am wide awake.

00:47:34.000 I'm thinking all the shit I'm going to do back when I get home.

00:47:36.000 I got to clean my fucking office.

00:47:38.000 Jesus Christ.

00:47:39.000 I could still get a workout in if I could put an hour and a half cleaning and then I do an hour of kettlebells.

00:47:43.000 I'm thinking all this shit.

00:47:44.000 I'm like, oh, I'm like on crank right now.

00:47:46.000 I'm essentially on some liquid amphetamine.

00:47:49.000 I don't mess with any of those sports drinks, energy drinks, anything that's fizzy.

00:47:52.000 I don't fuck with it.

00:47:54.000 Coffee?

00:47:54.000 Unless it's like a root beer or a Coke or something like that.

00:47:56.000 I'll do that shit.

00:47:57.000 Okay.

00:47:58.000 Speaking of that, can I plug something?

00:48:00.000 Yes, please.

00:48:01.000 I'm doing something for the Oakland A's.

00:48:04.000 They got Root Beer Float Day, I swear to God, and it's to raise awareness for childhood diabetes.

00:48:11.000 I swear to God.

00:48:13.000 I guess a long time ago, the Root Beer Company, this was their cause, and they were into it, and I guess there was no irony back in the day, so they are the ones...

00:48:24.000 They are the ones.

00:48:25.000 So, I already know.

00:48:26.000 I already know.

00:48:27.000 Everybody on my Twitter thought that they were the most clever person ever.

00:48:30.000 Like, I didn't notice how ridiculous it is to...

00:48:33.000 How funny it is.

00:48:34.000 I think it's kind of funny.

00:48:35.000 I think it's awesome.

00:48:35.000 Let's talk alcohol.

00:48:36.000 You know, come on down.

00:48:37.000 Open bar.

00:48:38.000 Let's end alcoholism, you know?

00:48:39.000 It's just something...

00:48:41.000 There's something what I like about it.

00:48:42.000 There's something almost like Anchorman, like old school about it that I love it.

00:48:46.000 So I'm going to go up there.

00:48:48.000 And plus, you know, being a baseball fan of the way it used to be where teams like the Pirates and the A's were good before all this, you know, the money markets won.

00:48:56.000 The money markets won?

00:48:58.000 Baseball?

00:48:58.000 Yeah, in the big business, including the Red Sox.

00:49:00.000 Roger Clemens, they said that he's still getting tried.

00:49:04.000 He's getting tried again for something now?

00:49:05.000 Yeah, but none of that shit's about steroids.

00:49:07.000 It's about perjury, perjuring yourself.

00:49:10.000 About steroids.

00:49:11.000 About steroids, but it's really you lied under oath.

00:49:13.000 It's the Clinton thing.

00:49:15.000 It wasn't the blowjob.

00:49:17.000 It's that you said you didn't get one under oath.

00:49:19.000 You swore that you would tell the truth.

00:49:21.000 Wow, that's crazy.

00:49:22.000 Yeah.

00:49:24.000 They're going after that dude for doing steroids in baseball.

00:49:28.000 Leave the bankers.

00:49:29.000 That's fine.

00:49:29.000 Leave those guys alone.

00:49:30.000 That's okay.

00:49:30.000 With this motherfucker trying to claim he's got 300 victories.

00:49:33.000 That's amazing.

00:49:34.000 We've got to stop this.

00:49:35.000 How strange is that?

00:49:37.000 It isn't.

00:49:38.000 That's how it works.

00:49:39.000 But I mean, in 2012, they would waste any time on that.

00:49:42.000 The fact that it got to Congress.

00:49:46.000 Congress.

00:49:47.000 They had congressional hearings.

00:49:49.000 I don't know.

00:49:50.000 I was talking about baseball.

00:49:51.000 Everybody gives a fuck about baseball.

00:49:53.000 You got a mobbed up ref.

00:49:54.000 The fucking NBA is able to handle that in-house.

00:49:58.000 It was just him.

00:49:59.000 All right.

00:49:59.000 See you later.

00:49:59.000 Go fuck yourself.

00:50:00.000 Let's go.

00:50:01.000 Games at seven.

00:50:02.000 And this stuff here, for some reason, they had to get involved.

00:50:06.000 I don't know why.

00:50:07.000 I don't fucking read.

00:50:08.000 I don't know what's going on.

00:50:09.000 I really don't.

00:50:10.000 I have no idea.

00:50:12.000 I never notice how truly uninformed I am until I get behind a microphone.

00:50:17.000 Because I always just hear the audience going like, dude, that isn't how it is.

00:50:20.000 And it's just fucking ridiculous.

00:50:23.000 Dude, it is so fucking ridiculous that I've been able to earn a living and be able to eat three times a day with just the unbelievable lack of fucking information that I have.

00:50:33.000 You can just act like an idiot in strip malls around the country.

00:50:36.000 Yeah, but there's a beauty in that.

00:50:38.000 There's a beauty in that lack of information.

00:50:41.000 That's the weed talking.

00:50:42.000 No.

00:50:42.000 There's a beautiful thing.

00:50:44.000 There's a beauty in it.

00:50:46.000 That's your thing.

00:50:48.000 This has been driving me nuts the whole time.

00:50:50.000 Oh, I see.

00:50:51.000 I thought this was added prosthetics to this fucking cat's head.

00:50:54.000 Poor cat's head broke.

00:50:55.000 When I moved in here, that was the first thing that broke.

00:50:58.000 It was my favorite cat.

00:51:00.000 Are you a cat person?

00:51:01.000 I used to be until recently.

00:51:03.000 Now I'm done with all animals, I think.

00:51:07.000 You have to give them too much attention, and I don't have that time.

00:51:12.000 Well, cat would be good.

00:51:13.000 Cats are like the loners, man.

00:51:16.000 Go fuck yourself.

00:51:17.000 I'll come to you when I need you.

00:51:19.000 Yeah, you think that, but, you know, it's...

00:51:21.000 My cat's a needy bitch.

00:51:22.000 Yeah, my cats are getting...

00:51:23.000 The older they get...

00:51:24.000 Yeah, my cat is super needy when I'm trying to write.

00:51:27.000 Meow, meow, meow.

00:51:28.000 Tries to get in my lap all the time.

00:51:29.000 And I'll give her, like, a little bit and try to send her on her way.

00:51:32.000 But after a while, I'm like, come on, I gotta write.

00:51:34.000 Leave me alone.

00:51:35.000 Stop.

00:51:36.000 And then I have to pick her up and take her out of the room.

00:51:38.000 I have to take her out of the room and shut the door.

00:51:40.000 Cats have that voodoo vibe.

00:51:41.000 Yeah.

00:51:42.000 They know the date you're going to die.

00:51:44.000 They have that look in their eye.

00:51:45.000 They're definitely different.

00:51:47.000 I would not be surprised if cats couldn't see some shit that we can't see, know some shit that we can't know.

00:51:53.000 They say that animals are the ones that know when earthquakes are coming.

00:51:57.000 They start fucking freaking out, and they run uphill.

00:51:59.000 Like when the tsunami came, no animals died in that shit.

00:52:03.000 Well, not no animals died.

00:52:04.000 Very few animals died, like regular animals, like deers and shit.

00:52:07.000 Because they all ran away.

00:52:09.000 They all knew it was coming.

00:52:10.000 They feel it.

00:52:11.000 They have senses that we don't need.

00:52:15.000 It's because they're barefoot.

00:52:17.000 They're on their hooves.

00:52:18.000 They can feel the rumbling.

00:52:20.000 You're sitting there on your flip-flops.

00:52:22.000 That rubber, that's all you need.

00:52:23.000 That little half-inch of rubber.

00:52:25.000 And you're not going to feel it.

00:52:26.000 No barefoot guy died in that tsunami, though.

00:52:29.000 That's true.

00:52:32.000 The last thing people heard before that wave crash was the slap of human feet running by them.

00:52:38.000 It's true.

00:52:39.000 Remember that video?

00:52:40.000 100% true.

00:52:41.000 The dog bit this video?

00:52:42.000 When the dog heard the earthquake?

00:52:45.000 No, I don't think I know this video.

00:52:47.000 Watch this.

00:52:47.000 There's no sound to this, I don't believe.

00:52:49.000 Which earthquake is this?

00:52:50.000 Well, then how the fuck can we prove it?

00:52:51.000 But watch, you can hear the dog freaks out.

00:52:53.000 What earthquake is this?

00:52:53.000 I don't know.

00:52:54.000 It was in 2010. We can find out in a sec.

00:52:57.000 Is this Japan?

00:52:59.000 No, but see, the dog runs.

00:53:02.000 And then watch.

00:53:05.000 Oh, shit.

00:53:08.000 Oh, shit.

00:53:10.000 Whoa, that is scary as fuck, man.

00:53:13.000 Here's another view of the dog just running.

00:53:17.000 The dog's just like, go fuck yourself.

00:53:20.000 Whoa, look at all those cars move outside.

00:53:24.000 This is such a dumb place to live.

00:53:27.000 We live in the dumbest place ever.

00:53:30.000 We're just rolling the dice and hoping that the ground doesn't open up and swallow the city while we're here.

00:53:37.000 Yeah, but it's all...

00:53:38.000 Every place is dumb.

00:53:39.000 Yeah, it's true.

00:53:40.000 Yeah.

00:53:41.000 This is gonna be something...

00:53:42.000 You live out in the middle of nowhere, then some grizzly bear can come and eat your face.

00:53:46.000 Have you been watching Mountain Men?

00:53:48.000 No, but I have the utmost...

00:53:50.000 You mean like Out Your Window?

00:53:51.000 No, it's a new show.

00:53:52.000 It's a new show.

00:53:53.000 History Channel.

00:53:54.000 I have the utmost respect for fucking rednecks and mountain men and people who can just live off the land.

00:54:02.000 Green berets.

00:54:03.000 Just fucking drop them in the middle of nowhere and they can just get a fire going and just live out there.

00:54:09.000 You should know how to do that.

00:54:11.000 This is a mountain man show.

00:54:13.000 It's a fascinating show.

00:54:15.000 A bunch of guys who live in different parts of the country, all of them in the mountains.

00:54:18.000 One guy runs his whole farm and he puts on classes and teaches people how to survive, trains people how to survive in the wilderness so that you can live off the land.

00:54:28.000 Shows you how to plant kale, shows you how to hunt deer, shows you how to make homemade deer stands.

00:54:33.000 He's doing all this shit, and another guy is living up in Montana, and this motherfucker has a gigantic grizzly bear that's stalking his house, and they see this thing.

00:54:42.000 They got this thing on film, and they're shining a light on it.

00:54:45.000 It's fucking enormous, and it's just wandering around his yard.

00:54:48.000 They footprints this thing the next day, and they're huge.

00:54:51.000 I mean, it's a fucking giant bear, and it's hungry because it's starting to get snowy, and he wants to hibernate, but it doesn't have any food in his stomach.

00:54:58.000 So go get him some fucking sandwiches.

00:55:01.000 Fucking have a big bag of raw meat out there.

00:55:03.000 Let him get the itis.

00:55:05.000 That's the last thing you want to do.

00:55:05.000 No, he'll chow that down.

00:55:07.000 He'll get sleepy.

00:55:08.000 You can never do that.

00:55:09.000 If you feed a bear, they always remember where they got it from and they come back for more.

00:55:13.000 Nah, that's an urban myth.

00:55:14.000 It started by those park rangers just trying to get some press.

00:55:22.000 You know what I wanted to watch was...

00:55:24.000 The tweets are coming in now.

00:55:25.000 Fuck you, Bill Burr.

00:55:26.000 You don't even respect animals.

00:55:29.000 Unfollow.

00:55:30.000 I know.

00:55:30.000 I love that.

00:55:31.000 Like, I give a shit.

00:55:32.000 That's my favorite.

00:55:33.000 Unfollow the fuck out of me, please.

00:55:34.000 I like the threat that I'm going to unfollow you.

00:55:37.000 Dude, if you have one more sports text, I'm going to unfollow you.

00:55:41.000 Unfollow.

00:55:41.000 Yeah, go ahead.

00:55:42.000 Follow through with it.

00:55:43.000 Yeah.

00:55:44.000 I want to see that show with the people who are preparing for the apocalypse.

00:55:50.000 Yeah, what is that?

00:55:51.000 I wanted to watch that.

00:55:52.000 What show is that?

00:55:54.000 That's another thing that you're an idiot until it goes down.

00:55:57.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:58.000 Yeah, you look like a nut until everybody needs water.

00:56:01.000 The guy who sticks the money in the mattress is a fucking idiot because what if someone breaks into the house and then the banking system collapses, right?

00:56:06.000 The real problem is not going to be storing food and containing water, because you could do that.

00:56:12.000 You could store food and water, and likely you could ride it out for a couple of months or so.

00:56:16.000 The real problem is going to be your neighbor probably didn't do that.

00:56:19.000 That's going to be the real problem.

00:56:21.000 The other people that are close that were poor, that were living day to day and check to check, what the fuck are they going to do when food stops coming in?

00:56:28.000 That's when the real problem kicks in.

00:56:30.000 So it might not help that you have a lot of water and a lot of food.

00:56:33.000 Plant your food in the backyard.

00:56:35.000 You don't advertise it by being in the backyard.

00:56:37.000 Everyone's going to see.

00:56:38.000 Or what you do is...

00:56:40.000 They're going to be coming through your yard in the middle of the night and stealing your vegetables.

00:56:42.000 What you got to do is link up with your other paranoid neighbors.

00:56:47.000 This is like a great beginning to a fucking movie, right?

00:56:50.000 You fucking, they link up.

00:56:51.000 You got like three or four paranoid families on one block.

00:56:54.000 And when the shit goes down, my house is the rally point, and we fight off all these other suckers.

00:56:59.000 And meanwhile, we're bringing them bunt cakes and everything's fucking cool, right?

00:57:03.000 I only got the first ten pages.

00:57:05.000 Don't look at me like this is going to go all the way through.

00:57:07.000 This is like a Shane Black script.

00:57:09.000 Who's Shane Black?

00:57:11.000 Shane Black?

00:57:12.000 Wasn't that famous screenplay guy?

00:57:15.000 It's like Red Dawn where you gotta kill your classmate except it's your fucking neighbor.

00:57:20.000 Somebody pees into a radiator.

00:57:21.000 I don't know.

00:57:22.000 You know, Russia is getting involved in Syria and they're selling Syria these giant attack planes.

00:57:28.000 That's awesome.

00:57:28.000 They were talking about this in the news.

00:57:31.000 That now Syria is going to have these crazy Russian attack helicopters.

00:57:35.000 Can I be honest?

00:57:36.000 None of that scares me anymore.

00:57:37.000 Really?

00:57:37.000 I have given in to the fact that this is our destiny.

00:57:40.000 Our destiny is that we are going to fuck ourselves over.

00:57:44.000 And, you know, you can only die once.

00:57:46.000 You just hope you don't have a chimp on your back eating your hip.

00:57:51.000 I just don't want to go out that way.

00:57:53.000 You know, you want to shoot some shit at me and fucking, you know, blow me to smithereens?

00:57:57.000 How long am I going to give a fuck for?

00:57:58.000 I'm just going to be like, for like half a second, it's over.

00:58:01.000 Hopefully.

00:58:01.000 What if you get your legs blown off and then you have to live as a prisoner of war?

00:58:05.000 I'll bleed out.

00:58:06.000 How do you know you'll be able to bleed out?

00:58:08.000 What am I going to push my legs up against a frying pan and try to cauterize the, is that the right word?

00:58:13.000 Sometimes they get fused from the blast.

00:58:17.000 No, there's no way.

00:58:17.000 I talked about this on my podcast.

00:58:19.000 If I was ever faced with that challenge, I don't...

00:58:23.000 No, I could do that, but if I was neck down, there's no way.

00:58:27.000 There's no way.

00:58:27.000 I would just sit there and I would be going along with everybody and be like, wow, he's so positive.

00:58:31.000 I'd learn how to steer my own wheelchair with my tongue and the first chance daylight I got at a staircase, I'd just fucking steer it right over.

00:58:39.000 I'd set myself right down.

00:58:40.000 There's no way.

00:58:41.000 There's no fucking way.

00:58:43.000 People who do that and they can write a book are the most amazing human beings on the planet because there's no way I would pass that test.

00:58:52.000 Stephen Hawking is the craziest situation, huh?

00:58:54.000 Guy in a wheelchair, can't even talk, can barely move his hand to communicate, and he scrolls through words.

00:59:01.000 He has some method of doing that, and then this thing reads what he says, and says it out loud.

00:59:09.000 That's un-fucking-believable.

00:59:11.000 Yeah, and he's like the top scientist in the world.

00:59:13.000 Like I said, I should have died after the appendicitis.

00:59:16.000 I'm one of the weak.

00:59:17.000 There's just no way...

00:59:18.000 Well, he's like one of the rare guys that lived...

00:59:20.000 Took three jiu-jitsu classes.

00:59:21.000 I tapped out for good.

00:59:23.000 LAUGHTER I'm out.

00:59:24.000 I'm out.

00:59:25.000 You should come to jiu-jitsu.

00:59:26.000 My elbows hurt.

00:59:26.000 Come with me tonight, man.

00:59:27.000 Look, I know I'm not a man.

00:59:29.000 You would love it.

00:59:29.000 I don't need to go down there and have it reinforced.

00:59:31.000 All you guys could twist me to a pretzel.

00:59:32.000 Just for exercise, it'll calm you down and make you feel better.

00:59:37.000 Dude, I'm like the calmest I've been in my life.

00:59:40.000 I'm always going to sound like I'm in a bad mood because I have the East Coast accent.

00:59:43.000 Right.

00:59:44.000 Look, dude, you're fucking phony calm down.

00:59:47.000 You smoke weed.

00:59:50.000 Well, I calm down from exercise, too.

00:59:53.000 Weed doesn't necessarily calm me down as it does make me just a little more sensitive.

00:59:58.000 Red Band, are you buying this?

00:59:59.000 You think weed calms me down?

01:00:01.000 Yeah.

01:00:02.000 Dude, you are a completely different person.

01:00:04.000 Like, when I met you in, like, 96, 97...

01:00:09.000 You were a good guy, but you were one of the most intense fucking dudes.

01:00:13.000 It was like this switch somewhere in your life was flipped and the shit was on.

01:00:18.000 I don't even know how you slept.

01:00:20.000 You were like fucking goal line defense.

01:00:25.000 Middle linebacker.

01:00:26.000 That shit doesn't mean anything to you.

01:00:27.000 I'm using sports analogies.

01:00:28.000 Like, you were a fucking intense dude.

01:00:31.000 And every story I heard about you at Taekwondo events, I believed all of it after meeting you for, like, literally about 25 seconds.

01:00:41.000 Well, I was transitioning then, still.

01:00:45.000 That was still just a few years after I stopped fighting.

01:00:47.000 You sound like a guy trying to make parole.

01:00:49.000 No, it was true.

01:00:50.000 He was transgender.

01:00:51.000 When I was a young guy.

01:00:53.000 Crazier when I was younger?

01:00:54.000 I was going three.

01:00:55.000 My entire childhood was spent competing in martial arts tournaments from the time I was like 15 to the time I was 22 was my last fight.

01:01:04.000 So do you think it made you like that or it tapped into something that was already there?

01:01:08.000 I don't think I would have been that intense if I didn't have to deal with really dangerous shit on a regular basis.

01:01:14.000 It was the fact that you were fighting in tournaments on a regular basis and Nothing ever happened to me.

01:01:21.000 I never got hurt, but I easily could have.

01:01:23.000 I easily could have zigged when I should have zagged and got knocked the fuck out.

01:01:27.000 It just never happened.

01:01:28.000 I only lost once in a kickboxing match.

01:01:31.000 Not that I didn't lose before in Taekwondo, but lost once by stoppage.

01:01:36.000 The only time I ever got stopped was in a kickboxing match.

01:01:38.000 That was the third fight in a day, and I had terrible nutrition back then.

01:01:44.000 Always getting sick.

01:01:45.000 You know, didn't really take vitamins and shit.

01:01:47.000 And I was on the fence back then.

01:01:48.000 I was, like, doing stand-up and fighting at the same time.

01:01:52.000 So it wasn't, like, a bad knockout.

01:01:54.000 I got dropped by a left hook, and then I got up, and my legs just wouldn't work.

01:01:58.000 And he hit me again, and I fell down again, and they stopped the fight.

01:02:01.000 Like, it was just, uh...

01:02:02.000 He had hit my jaw, like, in the perfect spot, and everything gave out.

01:02:05.000 And I was thinking about it, like, when I was going back, that there's one of two things I'm going to do.

01:02:09.000 Either I'm going to go fucking crazy now...

01:02:12.000 and rededicate myself and try to be a world champion kickboxer and just use the fact that I got tired in the third fight of the day as motivation to just run extra miles and do extra plyometrics and do extra rounds Or be a stand-up.

01:02:30.000 Yeah, that's kind of a no-brainer.

01:02:31.000 That's the way I'm built.

01:02:33.000 That's a no-brainer.

01:02:33.000 I was like, I can't.

01:02:34.000 There's no reward in that.

01:02:36.000 There was no Ultimate Fighting Championship back then.

01:02:38.000 So I had to reprogram my brain.

01:02:43.000 My brain was used to always thinking about martial arts competition.

01:02:47.000 That's all it was.

01:02:48.000 It was dodging kicks, landing your own.

01:02:50.000 Getting in, closing the distance, and forcing your game plan.

01:02:54.000 That's what my whole day was spent fighting in my head.

01:02:57.000 Even if I wasn't fighting, I'd be fighting in my head.

01:02:59.000 When I had girlfriends, they'd sleep over, and I would throw kicks in the middle of the night.

01:03:08.000 Like, boom!

01:03:09.000 My whole body would jolt like a kick, because I was having a fighting dream.

01:03:13.000 So I was terrified.

01:03:14.000 I was constantly terrified.

01:03:16.000 I got really good at it because I was absolutely horrified of it.

01:03:19.000 I just did not want to get my ass kicked.

01:03:21.000 And I was already doing it.

01:03:23.000 I'm like, well, if this is what we're doing, then we've got to get really fucking good at this because this is not something you can half-ass.

01:03:29.000 Dudes are kicking dudes in the face and knocking people unconscious.

01:03:32.000 Like, this is fucking terrifying.

01:03:34.000 I saw it happen so many times.

01:03:36.000 I saw it happen to good friends.

01:03:38.000 I saw it happen to people who are better than me.

01:03:40.000 They just fought the wrong dude at the wrong time, which easily could have happened to me.

01:03:44.000 It didn't, but it easily could have.

01:03:47.000 Like, our instructor never protected us at all.

01:03:50.000 He put us, even when we were like kids, we were teenagers, he would put us in the men's division.

01:03:54.000 And tell you you're good enough to fight as a black belt when you were a blue belt or a red belt.

01:03:59.000 He wanted to see who was crazy.

01:04:01.000 He wanted to develop a team of people who didn't give a fuck.

01:04:05.000 That's so funny that you could do that with kids.

01:04:07.000 That guy would be on the, at the very least, local news.

01:04:12.000 It was very cultish.

01:04:14.000 The martial arts schools are very cultish.

01:04:16.000 It's, yes sir!

01:04:17.000 No sir!

01:04:18.000 It's almost military.

01:04:20.000 It's always bowing when you see them.

01:04:23.000 You always bow.

01:04:25.000 You always call them sir.

01:04:26.000 It was very much like that.

01:04:28.000 I've never been able to exist in that dynamic, no matter what it was.

01:04:32.000 I needed it.

01:04:35.000 I needed it.

01:04:35.000 I grew up without a dad.

01:04:37.000 I have a stepdad, but my real dad, I knew he was alive and I didn't communicate with him, so it always fucked with me.

01:04:44.000 So I needed some sort of intense discipline to get my shit together.

01:04:48.000 It's the first time I ever felt like I had any control of my life at all was when I started doing martial arts.

01:04:52.000 I was like, finally, I can fucking get good at something.

01:04:55.000 Look at this, I'm good at this shit.

01:04:59.000 So that's why I was so wound up when you first met me.

01:05:03.000 It took me a while to relax.

01:05:05.000 If you're trying to be the best in the world to kick a people in the face, that's an intense pursuit.

01:05:12.000 But I find that the few fighters that I have met, most of them, and I always felt, because it's like they already proved...

01:05:19.000 That they're a fucking guy's guy in the ring.

01:05:22.000 That when they're hanging around, they're just relaxed.

01:05:24.000 They don't want any problems.

01:05:26.000 Most of them, yeah.

01:05:27.000 Most of them are really tired from training, too.

01:05:29.000 You know, when you're a fighter, you know, man.

01:05:31.000 When you're not training, you're just trying to kick back.

01:05:33.000 Oh, I never thought of that.

01:05:33.000 I just always thought, like, eh, I just knocked the guy out on television.

01:05:36.000 No, they're usually confident.

01:05:37.000 I went into a ring wearing no shirt.

01:05:39.000 It's just like blood sport.

01:05:40.000 I kicked the fuck out of this guy.

01:05:42.000 I don't give a shit about you and your darkest.

01:05:44.000 Go ahead, talk shit.

01:05:45.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:05:46.000 Like, I always felt like that vibe.

01:05:47.000 So I always felt that they were...

01:05:49.000 After I met a couple, it's like, oh, these guys, yeah, they're chill.

01:05:52.000 They don't have anything to prove walking around.

01:05:54.000 Yeah, it's definitely that, too.

01:05:55.000 Definitely that they don't have anything to prove.

01:05:56.000 The worst part about being a man is dealing with dickheads, you know, and the less dickheads, like the smallest amount of dickheads in the world that I operate in is guys at the gym.

01:06:09.000 Nicest guys.

01:06:10.000 When I go to jiu-jitsu class, fucking everybody in the class is nice.

01:06:14.000 There's no dickheads.

01:06:15.000 None.

01:06:16.000 Everybody's just training hard, doing their thing, and it's fun.

01:06:19.000 I think it's way easier to be a nice guy when you know how to fight.

01:06:25.000 It's just way easier.

01:06:27.000 It removes a big thing that fucks with a lot of dudes' heads.

01:06:30.000 It's also easy if you don't know how to fight, like me, if you just be nice.

01:06:34.000 Well, be nice, too.

01:06:35.000 People don't fuck with you.

01:06:37.000 I believe in being nice, too.

01:06:38.000 It's not like people fuck with me.

01:06:39.000 I really get away with very little fucking with.

01:06:43.000 Most people are really nice to me.

01:06:44.000 People say, is it weird, like, people coming up to you that, you know, you don't know them, they know you.

01:06:48.000 No, most of the time they're just being nice.

01:06:50.000 Like 99.999% of the time they're being nice.

01:06:54.000 But I'd rather be the guy who can defend himself than a guy who worries about some weird fucking person doing something to them.

01:07:06.000 He just described me.

01:07:07.000 I don't want to plant any seeds in your head.

01:07:09.000 He just described me.

01:07:10.000 I don't overly worry.

01:07:11.000 But I've got...

01:07:12.000 I live in a house now.

01:07:13.000 And ever since I've lived in a house now, there is something fucking unsettling about that.

01:07:18.000 Where it's just you in that...

01:07:20.000 When someone comes in, they're getting you.

01:07:22.000 Whereas, like, an apartment building, there's a bunch of options.

01:07:25.000 It's like a buffet.

01:07:26.000 The apartment building thing is weird, too.

01:07:28.000 Because you don't know what the fuck these people are up to.

01:07:31.000 You know?

01:07:31.000 Who knows what that guy...

01:07:32.000 Where's this guy making his money?

01:07:34.000 But I know where you live.

01:07:36.000 So if you're gonna do something, you're gonna fuck with your neighbor.

01:07:38.000 You're crazy.

01:07:39.000 That's weird too though, isn't it?

01:07:40.000 When you look at each other across the hall.

01:07:43.000 Hey, how you doing?

01:07:44.000 You shut your door.

01:07:44.000 He shuts his.

01:07:45.000 This fucking door to his.

01:07:46.000 He's sleeping right there.

01:07:48.000 He's like feet away from you.

01:07:49.000 Or he moves out and then you feel like a loser.

01:07:52.000 I bet he's going to a better building.

01:07:55.000 They're never moving back home.

01:07:57.000 They're always moving on.

01:07:59.000 I remember Patrice used to talk about that.

01:08:01.000 He used to talk about how people moving out of...

01:08:04.000 When he was young, when he would see neighbors moving away, he would always be looking out the window all sad.

01:08:09.000 He would get, like, depressed.

01:08:11.000 Yeah.

01:08:13.000 Like, I don't know why.

01:08:14.000 We used to laugh our asses off talking about that kind of shit.

01:08:19.000 Just picturing Big Patrice sitting there.

01:08:22.000 A little sad Patrice.

01:08:23.000 All bummed out.

01:08:24.000 Yeah, like he's in some sort of Christmas episode or something.

01:08:27.000 I lived in a real cheap apartment complex in Revere.

01:08:31.000 When I was first moving out on my own, I lived with a girl there.

01:08:35.000 And I remember it was really cheap.

01:08:38.000 It was a shady place.

01:08:39.000 It was not good.

01:08:41.000 And all these fucking people would be cooking weird shit.

01:08:47.000 Walk down the hallway, you'd smell all kinds of weird ethnic food.

01:08:51.000 It was just very strange.

01:08:54.000 The aromas of food were so potent in poor neighborhoods.

01:08:59.000 It's very rare you walk into a real high-end apartment complex and you smell some fucking goulash.

01:09:07.000 Like goulash.

01:09:10.000 Tense spices.

01:09:11.000 Someone's fucking making fish head soup.

01:09:14.000 You know what's funny is I can hear that metal door slamming and echoing.

01:09:18.000 My first apartment I lived in in New York when I would walk in.

01:09:21.000 There's just that overwhelming smell of somebody cooking some fucking cow's head.

01:09:28.000 They got out of the market.

01:09:30.000 Me and Bobby used to live together in this place in the Upper East Side with this Nigerian dude.

01:09:34.000 He came home one day.

01:09:36.000 With all this fucking meat that he had bought or whatever.

01:09:40.000 And he cooked Bobby some and Bobby ate it.

01:09:42.000 It kind of tasted a little gamey.

01:09:43.000 He was like, what is this?

01:09:44.000 And he was like, it's a cow.

01:09:46.000 He goes, I don't know what kind.

01:09:47.000 It's a cow.

01:09:48.000 I don't know if he was eating a hoof.

01:09:50.000 It was just...

01:09:51.000 It wasn't like...

01:09:52.000 Part of the cheek or something.

01:09:55.000 I don't know what the fuck he was eating.

01:09:56.000 But it was the weirdest looking...

01:09:59.000 The texture of it.

01:10:00.000 I didn't fuck with it.

01:10:02.000 I didn't fuck with it.

01:10:03.000 That's when Bobby should have known that he had some sort of food issue or he was starving.

01:10:09.000 Because he said, fuck it.

01:10:10.000 You know, Bobby's a more open dude anyway.

01:10:13.000 So he's like, yeah, I'll try this shit.

01:10:14.000 And I looked at him and I was like, I'm not fucking with that.

01:10:16.000 That looks like a tree stump.

01:10:19.000 That's supposed to look like a rump roast.

01:10:21.000 He pukes easily, doesn't he?

01:10:23.000 Does he?

01:10:24.000 Doesn't he have like a gag thing where he just starts puking nonstop if he hears something?

01:10:28.000 You know, I've never seen that.

01:10:30.000 Doesn't Ebrock have that?

01:10:31.000 Yeah, I think he does.

01:10:32.000 Because remember, like, Jimmy pulled his...

01:10:34.000 He had his belly button.

01:10:36.000 He came in his belly button.

01:10:37.000 He put his finger in his belly button.

01:10:38.000 He was making people smell it.

01:10:40.000 I smelled it.

01:10:41.000 You did?

01:10:42.000 Why?

01:10:43.000 It's because I wanted to know.

01:10:44.000 I wanted to know what it smelled like.

01:10:46.000 What did it taste like?

01:10:48.000 I didn't taste it, you silly bitch.

01:10:50.000 That's the most disgusting thing.

01:10:51.000 I did smell it, though.

01:10:52.000 I got to tell you, though.

01:10:53.000 The guy asked me if I wanted to smell it.

01:10:56.000 You know, I'm right there.

01:10:57.000 I don't want to be rude.

01:10:59.000 The closest I ever came to puking in public like that was on the Opie and Anthony.

01:11:04.000 Oh, you were fucking there!

01:11:05.000 Yeah.

01:11:07.000 Baby Bird.

01:11:08.000 Baby Bird.

01:11:08.000 Oh, my God.

01:11:09.000 Yeah.

01:11:10.000 No, before that, when they had the eggnog drinking contest.

01:11:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:11:15.000 That, to this day, is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen.

01:11:19.000 And it was absolutely brilliant.

01:11:22.000 And it was...

01:11:24.000 Nathaniel.

01:11:25.000 You were the one who said the only thing they can top that is if somebody leaned back and opened their mouth and had somebody puke into it.

01:11:33.000 So you had the idea and then Nathaniel named it.

01:11:37.000 Nathaniel called it the baby bird.

01:11:39.000 Which made it.

01:11:39.000 That made it.

01:11:40.000 Because think about it.

01:11:41.000 Have you ever seen a baby bird get fed by its mother?

01:11:43.000 The mother essentially opens its mouth and fucking yaks in the kid's mouth.

01:11:48.000 It's so hard to watch.

01:11:50.000 It's so glorious.

01:11:51.000 I told that story three days later.

01:11:55.000 Tell the whole story so the people who didn't see it know what happened.

01:11:58.000 It was an eggnog drinking contest.

01:12:02.000 Even if you like eggnog, eggnog is fucking disgusting.

01:12:06.000 It's unbelievably sugary and heavy.

01:12:11.000 Dude, every time I tell the story, I start to gag.

01:12:13.000 I haven't told it in a while.

01:12:15.000 Incredible story.

01:12:15.000 So basically, what you had to do is you had to do a double shot of eggnog every 30 seconds or once a minute.

01:12:22.000 It was like every few seconds.

01:12:26.000 I don't remember what the time was.

01:12:28.000 It couldn't be once a minute because he had 72 shots.

01:12:30.000 So it couldn't have been once a minute.

01:12:32.000 No, he didn't know.

01:12:32.000 He was up to 40-something.

01:12:34.000 Really?

01:12:34.000 I don't remember.

01:12:35.000 Why do I want to say 72?

01:12:37.000 You wouldn't think it would be bad.

01:12:40.000 Yeah, let's just watch it.

01:12:43.000 That's the great Pat Duffy.

01:12:45.000 I remember this young man's name.

01:12:48.000 He's an intern, and I remember his name.

01:12:50.000 Pat Duffy.

01:12:51.000 Legend.

01:12:52.000 You are a savage, sir.

01:12:54.000 This is Pat from Budaki.

01:12:56.000 73. 73. Thank you.

01:12:58.000 Thank you.

01:12:59.000 How's the memory, kids?

01:13:01.000 73. Yeah, so anyway, Pat from Wunaki is, by the way, a diabetic.

01:13:05.000 Who lost a toe to the disease.

01:13:07.000 So he has to get this out, just right after it comes in.

01:13:11.000 And it starts going, and he's, oh my god!

01:13:13.000 And when it comes out, it comes out in giant clumps at first, but then after a while, it comes out cartoonish.

01:13:20.000 Right there!

01:13:21.000 That's cartoonish!

01:13:24.000 That is cartoonish.

01:13:26.000 That is cartoonish.

01:13:30.000 That is...

01:13:32.000 Oh my god!

01:13:34.000 That's cartoonish.

01:13:35.000 Oh my god!

01:13:38.000 Oh my god!

01:13:44.000 Oh my...

01:13:48.000 That's insane!

01:13:50.000 That's insane!

01:13:52.000 The sheer volume is insane!

01:13:55.000 Oh my god!

01:13:57.000 Again!

01:13:59.000 That guy's the Peter North to throw up.

01:14:06.000 Oh my God.

01:14:12.000 Spit on him!

01:14:14.000 That is the most fucked up thing ever!

01:14:19.000 How do you top that?

01:14:20.000 You can't top that.

01:14:21.000 That was the greatest moment in radio history.

01:14:24.000 And only Opie and Anthony would be fucking crazy enough to do something like that.

01:14:27.000 That was amazing.

01:14:29.000 That was genius.

01:14:30.000 I've only been watching the PowTalk version this whole time.

01:14:33.000 I just never really watched the real version.

01:14:35.000 I've always been watching the PowTalk version.

01:14:37.000 It's so much better quality.

01:14:38.000 Oh, yeah.

01:14:38.000 There's a couple different cameras in the room.

01:14:41.000 I told that story like three days later.

01:14:46.000 I mean, that's insane.

01:14:47.000 Check it out on openanthony.com if that's...

01:14:49.000 And then they try to clean his head off.

01:14:51.000 They didn't even have a shower for this young man.

01:14:53.000 It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

01:14:55.000 The greatest moment in radio history because it was just so...

01:14:58.000 The stars aligned with a guy who's 300 fucking pounds who could drink 73 shots of eggnog.

01:15:05.000 There's no morning show has ever even come close to that.

01:15:09.000 No!

01:15:09.000 Nothing!

01:15:10.000 Nothing in the neighborhood.

01:15:11.000 And then just the stars aligning with this Pat Duffy character being so incredibly insane.

01:15:17.000 He had already built his way up to it.

01:15:18.000 What about all the shit that led up to that?

01:15:21.000 There was all those funny nicknames we had.

01:15:23.000 There was the one guy, he would take the shot, and then when someone would go to puke, because basically, we didn't explain, last person to not puke wins.

01:15:32.000 So what would happen was people would be getting full of eggnog, and you're not going to puke, but then someone would puke, which would make you puke.

01:15:38.000 So this fucking guy, every time someone would go to puke, he would walk three steps away and just face the wall.

01:15:44.000 We started calling him Blair Witch.

01:15:46.000 Remember that?

01:15:47.000 And then there was the other guy who already puked, and he puked into like a fucking, I don't know, like a, what do you call it?

01:15:54.000 The thing you pour like orange?

01:15:56.000 Pitcher.

01:15:56.000 A pitcher.

01:15:56.000 He puked into that, then poured it on Froot Loops, and would start eating his own puke in Froot Loops to make other people puke.

01:16:03.000 That was the terrorist.

01:16:06.000 Because he was taking people out with him.

01:16:08.000 And I just remember there was so many...

01:16:10.000 And then I also remember...

01:16:11.000 And then there was Pat Fumunaki, the champion.

01:16:16.000 And after he won, he kept drinking.

01:16:18.000 And we were like, like a true champion, he's only competing with himself.

01:16:21.000 And he just...

01:16:22.000 He put the record...

01:16:24.000 He crushed the record.

01:16:26.000 That had to be like a gallon of eggnog.

01:16:30.000 Yeah.

01:16:31.000 More, I think!

01:16:32.000 Yeah, it was like buckets.

01:16:33.000 If you look at these, it's double shots.

01:16:36.000 I mean, he's not lying.

01:16:38.000 Bill's not lying.

01:16:38.000 If you go and watch it, you will not believe.

01:16:41.000 What is the video you just played?

01:16:44.000 What versions?

01:16:45.000 There's a bunch of them.

01:16:46.000 Yeah, I just went to YouTube and typed in Opium Anthony.

01:16:50.000 Baby Bird?

01:16:51.000 Baby Bird.

01:16:52.000 And the first one.

01:16:52.000 Don't do the PowTalk version.

01:16:54.000 That one's the bad quality version.

01:16:55.000 Okay.

01:16:56.000 So, Eggnog Champion.

01:16:58.000 Most insane, you know, this thing, so I've been trying to tell this, when I told, Nia had one of her friends over, and I was telling the story, dude, and I was literally laying on the floor, crying, laughing, retelling the story, this is like three days later, while gagging.

01:17:17.000 And I remember Nia's friend was horrified.

01:17:19.000 She finally says, where do they get these people?

01:17:21.000 And that's what set me over the top.

01:17:23.000 I was like crying, like, I don't know.

01:17:26.000 And that was it.

01:17:27.000 And I almost puked.

01:17:30.000 If I actually went into detail and went to tell that story, I would start gagging again.

01:17:34.000 I don't think I ever won't gag again.

01:17:37.000 Telling that story.

01:17:38.000 That was the most disgusting thing.

01:17:39.000 And the amount of people on the staff who...

01:17:41.000 Everybody gets the point.

01:17:42.000 The amount of people who puked.

01:17:43.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:43.000 The smell of fucking stomach lining.

01:17:48.000 Oh, God.

01:17:48.000 Whatever the hell it was.

01:17:49.000 All right, now it's getting gross.

01:17:50.000 That's my Sunday night.

01:17:51.000 I just got...

01:17:52.000 I'm now finally over that, but I had food poisoning, and it fucking ruined my life.

01:17:58.000 That's bullshit.

01:17:59.000 It's such a great way to lose 10 pounds, isn't it?

01:18:01.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:01.000 And it's true.

01:18:02.000 I did lose about 9 pounds.

01:18:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:18:06.000 Yeah, that's not good, dude.

01:18:08.000 You gotta be careful.

01:18:09.000 You gotta be careful with your sushi, son.

01:18:11.000 And I can't even eat now.

01:18:12.000 It makes me even feel nauseous.

01:18:13.000 Good.

01:18:13.000 You should use it as a time to get in great shape.

01:18:16.000 Yeah, I've been eating watermelon.

01:18:18.000 What did you eat?

01:18:18.000 That's good.

01:18:19.000 Sushi at Katsua or whatever it's called at Glendale Americana or whatever.

01:18:24.000 And that's a decent place, right?

01:18:25.000 That's a nice place.

01:18:26.000 But it was Sunday sushi.

01:18:27.000 People are like, dude, what the fuck?

01:18:28.000 You ate sushi on a Sunday?

01:18:29.000 Never do that.

01:18:30.000 I'm like, oh yeah, it was happy hour sushi Sunday.

01:18:33.000 That's the worst time to go.

01:18:34.000 Oh, because it's Friday sushi?

01:18:36.000 It's old fish, yeah.

01:18:37.000 Oh, and they're getting rid of it.

01:18:39.000 I never thought about that.

01:18:40.000 Did they not have a seven-day fish market?

01:18:42.000 I don't know.

01:18:43.000 But I guess that's the thing.

01:18:45.000 Sunday sushi.

01:18:45.000 I'd like to get Gordon Ramsay on in case.

01:18:47.000 It's so amazing how we've been able to cut that out of our lives.

01:18:51.000 That whole food gathering nonsense.

01:18:52.000 Like when I was watching this mountain men show and watching this poor guy with shitty rodeo knees.

01:18:57.000 He's going out looking for deer.

01:18:58.000 Like trying to get a deer some meat for the freezer while he's looking for bears constantly.

01:19:03.000 Like, what an amazing change of life it's happened when they figured out how to cut out that whole gathering food.

01:19:11.000 That was already bad enough.

01:19:12.000 Bad knees looking for a deer, and then he does the over-the-top wild looking for bears.

01:19:17.000 Yeah, it's amazing.

01:19:18.000 You've got to watch the show.

01:19:19.000 It's a great show.

01:19:20.000 I just watched it last night for the first time.

01:19:22.000 I'm comfortable being in the Matrix.

01:19:24.000 You know, I'll starve to death.

01:19:26.000 It'll be a brutal month.

01:19:27.000 And then that'll be it.

01:19:29.000 I don't want to be walking around with my bad bag out in the fucking woods trying to shoot deer in the face.

01:19:34.000 I don't want to do it.

01:19:36.000 Trying to gut it with some sharpened stick.

01:19:39.000 You got me, alright?

01:19:40.000 I'm part of the week.

01:19:41.000 I'm not supposed to be here.

01:19:42.000 That's just someone like you.

01:19:43.000 You'll tap back into your...

01:19:45.000 When you threw kicks at night.

01:19:48.000 Yeah, I'll just grow a crazy mountain man beard.

01:19:53.000 Wear animal skins.

01:19:55.000 Make my own spears.

01:19:58.000 That's the name of a good Bruce Springsteen album.

01:20:00.000 Make My Own Spirit?

01:20:02.000 No, When I Threw Kicks in the Night.

01:20:08.000 When I Threw Kicks in the Night.

01:20:11.000 When I threw kicks in the night When I threw kicks in the night They just had something It would have to be like a breakup and marching where we weren't meant to be together.

01:20:28.000 And something about being young and getting out of the town.

01:20:31.000 Yeah, and then getting away from all the boozers.

01:20:33.000 And then you go into the chorus when I threw kicks in the night He still write songs, huh?

01:20:43.000 Bruce Springsteen is still out there rocking.

01:20:44.000 I have to see that guy live because Jim Norton is finally the guy who put me over the top because Jim was yet another guy who, I don't want to speak for him, but he didn't seem like he was a fan and then saw him live and was just like, dude, you've got to see this guy live.

01:20:57.000 He's just fucking insane.

01:20:58.000 As a performer, you've got to go see the guy.

01:21:00.000 Yeah, that's what Brian Cowan was saying.

01:21:02.000 The dude's like in his 60s.

01:21:03.000 He does full back bends and slides on his knees on stage.

01:21:06.000 Just like, you know, he's in fucking tremendous shape.

01:21:10.000 Puts out a three and a half hour show.

01:21:11.000 I did a stand-up show and he was one of the acts on it.

01:21:14.000 Swear to God.

01:21:14.000 What?

01:21:15.000 Yeah.

01:21:15.000 Sickest lineup ever.

01:21:16.000 I did a thing called...

01:21:17.000 I know I've told this on like 20 different podcasts, but it's a great story.

01:21:21.000 I did this stand-up for the troops.

01:21:23.000 It's this great benefit.

01:21:25.000 It was at the Beacon Theater and this was the lineup.

01:21:28.000 It was the Max Weinberg band.

01:21:29.000 Was playing the music in between the acts and beforehand and afterhand.

01:21:34.000 Jon Stewart hosted.

01:21:36.000 First act out of the gate was Tony Bennett.

01:21:39.000 Then it was Bruce Springsteen.

01:21:43.000 Then they auctioned off one of Bruce Springsteen's guitar.

01:21:46.000 Went for like a hundred grand.

01:21:47.000 Then Joe McHale had to follow that.

01:21:50.000 Somehow did that.

01:21:51.000 Then me and then Seinfeld.

01:21:54.000 Oh my god.

01:21:55.000 That was the show.

01:21:55.000 It was insane.

01:21:57.000 It was insane.

01:21:58.000 And I remember looking over, you know, waiting, you know, didn't want to go over because that's like Jerry.

01:22:04.000 It's the king.

01:22:04.000 I don't want to piss the guy.

01:22:05.000 And I looked over and he was literally like backlit with his suit on, like Jerry ready to go out on stage.

01:22:10.000 It was like fucking iconic.

01:22:12.000 And I was looking over, like, I'm at the Beacon Theater, and that's Jerry Seinfeld right there, gonna go on next.

01:22:17.000 One of the great, great nights of being in this business, man.

01:22:22.000 But I saw Bruce Springsteen sang one song, he was jumping all around, I was on the piano and everything, and I was just like, wow, this guy's, I can't do that.

01:22:29.000 This guy's got 25 years on me.

01:22:30.000 What song was it?

01:22:31.000 I don't know, I never got into his stuff.

01:22:34.000 So were you the first guy to do stand-up?

01:22:36.000 No, Joe McHale had to.

01:22:37.000 Joe McHale did.

01:22:37.000 Joe had to, yeah.

01:22:40.000 He's a good dude, man.

01:22:41.000 I did that talk shoot.

01:22:41.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.

01:22:42.000 He's a great guy.

01:22:43.000 Really nice guy.

01:22:45.000 It's nice to know there's still nice guys out there that can meet people that hang out with them for the first time.

01:22:49.000 My theory is most people are.

01:22:51.000 A vast percentage in our business are.

01:22:54.000 In comparison to the way people think of us, people think of comedians as being like, comedians are always miserable.

01:22:59.000 They hate life.

01:23:00.000 They're really only funny when they're on stage.

01:23:03.000 There's a lot of stereotypes that go along with being comedians.

01:23:05.000 There's a lot of truth in that.

01:23:07.000 I was miserable for a while.

01:23:08.000 Some, but the vast majority, you were miserable for a while?

01:23:12.000 Yeah.

01:23:13.000 In what way?

01:23:14.000 Just, you know, what happens in your late 20s and early 30s when you don't think you're a psycho and you don't think you're out of your mind and then you realize, oh, wait a minute, I'm completely out of my fucking mind.

01:23:24.000 I'm just, you know, I, you know...

01:23:27.000 You're just walking around saying hello to people.

01:23:29.000 Hi, how are you?

01:23:30.000 Nice to meet you.

01:23:31.000 You know, paying your bills on time and you think you're normal.

01:23:34.000 And then all of a sudden, you know, some shit happens and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm this guy.

01:23:39.000 I need to work on this, need to work on that.

01:23:43.000 Hopefully, you make the right choices by the time you get to your late 30s.

01:23:47.000 I don't know, this is just how it happened for me.

01:23:48.000 I started leveling out and being like, alright, what am I going to be angry for the rest of my fucking life?

01:23:53.000 I certainly do that too.

01:23:55.000 Pot can't be 100% to blame for me calming down.

01:24:00.000 But it's a bunch of things.

01:24:02.000 There becomes that point where you're either going to steer it into the wall or you're just going to try to chill a little bit.

01:24:07.000 But getting back to the other thing, though, there's just way too many talented fucking people in this business for you, I feel, even if you...

01:24:16.000 We're a dick to get away with it.

01:24:18.000 Because all they're waiting for is that first project you do to flop.

01:24:22.000 Yeah.

01:24:22.000 They're just looking for it.

01:24:23.000 I mean, they're going to hang with you while you're making them money.

01:24:25.000 Well, there are a lot of people that are dicks, and then they stop working.

01:24:29.000 I have friends that are directors, and they tell me horror stories about having to work with some crazy lady who yells at them on the set and demands changes to her character because her character wouldn't do this.

01:24:41.000 I'm like, God, we've got to get through this fucking season with her, and then they're going to kill her off.

01:24:44.000 I mean, it's like, they tell you stories about shit like that, and you're like, God, this business is just...

01:24:50.000 No, you can get away with that for a little while, but like, you know...

01:24:53.000 Not very often.

01:24:54.000 Yeah, the next you is getting off the bus every day.

01:24:56.000 You know what I mean?

01:24:57.000 If you're just going to go the performer route.

01:24:59.000 So there's always going to be somebody younger, fresher face, whatever.

01:25:03.000 And so if you...

01:25:04.000 You can't...

01:25:05.000 I don't know.

01:25:05.000 I don't know how you survive doing it the other way, so...

01:25:08.000 Well, we all know guys.

01:25:10.000 I've yet to be on anything.

01:25:12.000 I mean, I haven't done a lot of acting stuff, but everything I've ever done, everybody's been unbelievably nice.

01:25:17.000 Yeah, but we all know guys, especially comics, that are kind of cunts.

01:25:22.000 Yeah, but how far did they get?

01:25:25.000 Some get pretty far.

01:25:27.000 They get pretty far.

01:25:28.000 You're killing me.

01:25:28.000 I was thinking there was a justice in the world.

01:25:30.000 No.

01:25:30.000 Well, the examples that I could pull up, especially my favorite example, has kind of been diffused.

01:25:39.000 But Mencia is a bad guy.

01:25:42.000 He was a vindictive guy.

01:25:43.000 What he was doing in comics was...

01:25:46.000 He was going after them.

01:25:47.000 He'd take their shit and do it right before they went on stage.

01:25:50.000 Like that kind of thing.

01:25:51.000 Take your clothes and a bit.

01:25:52.000 Do it right before you go up.

01:25:53.000 Try to kick your legs out from under you.

01:25:55.000 That was a bad guy.

01:25:56.000 And that was a guy who did it for a long time.

01:25:59.000 He did it for a long time.

01:26:01.000 It didn't last because eventually people figured it out.

01:26:04.000 But for a long time it did work.

01:26:09.000 I've never had to be around somebody like that.

01:26:11.000 We're lucky.

01:26:12.000 Show business shelters them though.

01:26:14.000 There's a little bit of shelter.

01:26:15.000 Subtle stuff I've been around, but nothing to that hardcore level.

01:26:21.000 I keep thinking that's Ellen DeGeneres.

01:26:23.000 Who, you?

01:26:24.000 No, Hillary Clinton.

01:26:28.000 I thought he was talking about me.

01:26:33.000 I thought you were looking at your video and going, what the fuck is going on?

01:26:36.000 No, Ellen's way, way better looking than Jesus Christ.

01:26:40.000 Don't do that to her.

01:26:41.000 I just thought of the corner of my eye.

01:26:43.000 Hillary Clinton stole Ellen DeGeneres' old school haircut.

01:26:50.000 Hillary Clinton.

01:26:51.000 Who she stole from Wayne Gretzky, if you really want to be honest.

01:26:54.000 Yeah, that's a...

01:26:56.000 Yeah, Wayne Gretzky.

01:26:58.000 Wayne Gretzky.

01:26:59.000 Okay, Ellen...

01:26:59.000 Okay, she had...

01:27:00.000 This is how that haircut goes.

01:27:02.000 Before her, Ellen DeGeneres had that.

01:27:05.000 Patrick Swayze.

01:27:05.000 Before that, it was Wayne Gretzky.

01:27:07.000 That's Patrick Swayze, bro.

01:27:08.000 That's Roadhouse.

01:27:13.000 That's what's amazing about the 80s is a guy had Hillary Clinton's haircut.

01:27:16.000 A lot of guys had Hillary Clinton's haircut in the 80s.

01:27:19.000 A lot of guys did.

01:27:20.000 I would have if my hair didn't grow out like an afro.

01:27:23.000 I would have rocked that thing.

01:27:25.000 I tried to grow the mullet.

01:27:26.000 I did.

01:27:27.000 But my hair was too afro-ish.

01:27:29.000 It would just grow out.

01:27:32.000 So I looked like a red-headed Juan Epstein.

01:27:35.000 So I was like, I can't do this.

01:27:36.000 Juan Epstein, he hits us with a Welcome Back Cotter reference.

01:27:42.000 Nobody knows who Juan Epstein is, man.

01:27:44.000 He just passed away.

01:27:45.000 He did?

01:27:46.000 He just passed away a few months back.

01:27:50.000 He played my brother on news radio.

01:27:53.000 He did?

01:27:54.000 How cool was it to meet him?

01:27:55.000 It was cool.

01:27:56.000 It was Nick DiPaolo, Brian Callen, and Epstein from Welcome Back Hotter.

01:28:03.000 Did he tell you any Juan Epstein stories?

01:28:07.000 No, really.

01:28:07.000 He was just happy to be working, nice guy to be around, friendly guy.

01:28:11.000 It's hard for them, man.

01:28:12.000 It's hard for a lot of those dudes that didn't work, you know?

01:28:15.000 They did this big hit sitcom, and then they had a hard time getting work after it.

01:28:18.000 Meanwhile, John Travolta takes off and becomes this fucking gigantic movie star and just sort of eclipses them.

01:28:24.000 And then it becomes a story of, well, how come these guys haven't gotten any work when John Travolta is a superstar?

01:28:31.000 You were in the same movie-ish TV show as John Travolta?

01:28:34.000 How come you're not a superstar?

01:28:35.000 I don't know how actors do it, because, like...

01:28:38.000 If you're on a movie and it ends as a comedian, you still have it.

01:28:42.000 You just be a comedian.

01:28:43.000 Then you put on a new hour special and you can reinvent yourself and all that.

01:28:47.000 I think trying to make it just as an actor, a character actor, that's one of the hardest things ever.

01:28:52.000 It's got to be brutal.

01:28:53.000 And that's why so many of them are so phony.

01:28:56.000 Because they're constantly being politicians.

01:28:58.000 They constantly have to sort of protect their image and sell a certain image.

01:29:03.000 I find the same thing with actors.

01:29:05.000 I find that nice.

01:29:07.000 It's definitely a different energy.

01:29:09.000 It's a much more not as intense...

01:29:14.000 As comics?

01:29:15.000 Yeah, comics, you know, comics just, you're up there by yourself, people are going to heckle you, you have defenses up, where they're kind of more like, they're a little more open, you know, they came about this in like acting class, and everybody's got to go up there, and much more healthier, sort of easing into this business.

01:29:36.000 Sort of, but I mean, that's the only way to be, as a comic, it's a nutty fucking business.

01:29:41.000 No, absolutely.

01:29:42.000 Go on stage and It was some shit that you wrote down and made up, and you're gonna tell it to these people, and they're gonna laugh?

01:29:48.000 Are you sure?

01:29:49.000 And they're gonna pay money to hear that?

01:29:51.000 For an actor, all you have to do is pretend to be crazy.

01:29:54.000 The first time you did that, you wrote something, you thought it was gonna be funny, and you just say it, and there's nothing.

01:29:58.000 Just that fucking invisible kick to the chest.

01:30:01.000 You're so confused.

01:30:02.000 Like, I knew this was gonna be a huge bit for me.

01:30:05.000 Like, I just think I found my new closer.

01:30:07.000 Or what's worse was when you had one and it destroyed and then you went out and the first time you tried to recreate what you did the night before but you were thinking about the night before but you didn't realize the reason why it worked before was because you were in the moment and then you try to do what you did the night before and it falls flat.

01:30:23.000 That quiet ride home with yourself.

01:30:25.000 Yeah, and there's There is a reality of different fucking crowds.

01:30:29.000 You know, a lot of people like to say it's never the crowd.

01:30:32.000 That is absolute horseshit.

01:30:34.000 Because there's some crazy fucking crowds.

01:30:36.000 And there's some crowds...

01:30:38.000 We'll tell a joke.

01:30:39.000 You know it's a great fucking joke.

01:30:41.000 This is your fucking ace in the hole.

01:30:43.000 Starting off slow, but I'm going to hit him with this, and away we go.

01:30:46.000 And clunk.

01:30:47.000 It just comes out.

01:30:48.000 No, this isn't the crowd.

01:30:49.000 There's something wrong with this fucking crowd.

01:30:51.000 You know, when you're just showing up.

01:30:53.000 Did you do any strip clubs or anything like that?

01:30:55.000 Did you ever emcee a strip club?

01:30:58.000 Strip clubs.

01:30:59.000 Rock and roll show.

01:31:00.000 I'm trying to filter all the ones that I went to, and I'm trying to think if there was ever a show.

01:31:06.000 Is there ever a show?

01:31:08.000 Yes!

01:31:09.000 Did you ever do road gigs?

01:31:10.000 Yes, I did.

01:31:10.000 You did.

01:31:10.000 Where?

01:31:10.000 I did.

01:31:11.000 There was this titty bar in New York City, but this was weird.

01:31:16.000 Like, on the other side was the titty bar.

01:31:18.000 It was during that Giuliani stuff where he was like, okay, 40% of this can't be pornography.

01:31:25.000 Yeah, pornographic.

01:31:26.000 Pornography?

01:31:27.000 Pornography?

01:31:28.000 You see how fucking stupid I am?

01:31:30.000 I was trying to say pornographic.

01:31:33.000 I said pornograph.

01:31:34.000 And I thought I was on the right track.

01:31:36.000 And I just kept going, pornograph?

01:31:38.000 It's going to come to you.

01:31:39.000 It's going to...

01:31:40.000 Ah, fuck.

01:31:42.000 Pornographic.

01:31:43.000 So technically, we were there.

01:31:47.000 But there was no girls walking around with titties out or anything like that.

01:31:52.000 Oh, it just reminds me.

01:31:53.000 I remember some girl told me a street joke.

01:31:54.000 A really bad street joke.

01:31:57.000 And involved lifting up her dress and show me her pussy.

01:32:00.000 What the hell was it?

01:32:01.000 And I couldn't end it hard to tell her that I already heard that joke.

01:32:04.000 And she went all the way with getting like the tattoo.

01:32:06.000 Did you want to see my...

01:32:07.000 You want to see my pussy?

01:32:09.000 That's what she said.

01:32:09.000 You want to see my pussy?

01:32:10.000 And she lifts up her skirt and it's a tattoo of a cat.

01:32:12.000 And says, I guess I'm mouse-aided or something.

01:32:14.000 What?

01:32:15.000 How the fuck does it go?

01:32:16.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:32:17.000 Yeah, it's a tattoo of a cat.

01:32:18.000 How the fuck does that go?

01:32:20.000 I don't know.

01:32:21.000 I can't remember the end of the joke.

01:32:23.000 And she did it, and I'd already heard the joke.

01:32:25.000 I laughed anyways because I didn't have the heart to be like, yeah, I already heard that one.

01:32:29.000 Someone else has that joke on their body.

01:32:32.000 Am I bombing at this point?

01:32:33.000 I feel like I am.

01:32:34.000 I have to go to this pit bull thing.

01:32:38.000 What is the pit bull thing?

01:32:39.000 I don't know.

01:32:41.000 It's for a shelter that gets people to rescue those beautiful dogs.

01:32:46.000 That are fucking awesome and they have you back and they'll love you to death and they'll rip somebody's face off if they come to the door.

01:32:52.000 They're tough action around other dogs.

01:32:54.000 You have to be careful with them around other dogs.

01:32:55.000 Dude, you know what it's like?

01:32:56.000 It's like driving a sports car.

01:32:59.000 You have a lethal weapon that there's a responsibility.

01:33:03.000 It's like owning a gun.

01:33:04.000 It's like anything else.

01:33:05.000 It's not like either one of those things because you can control both of those things.

01:33:08.000 You can't control an animal that has its own will and desire.

01:33:11.000 You need to step into my dojo.

01:33:14.000 Dogs, I love pit bulls to death, but they're dangerous dogs.

01:33:18.000 They are dangerous dogs, but you respect that.

01:33:20.000 But you have to respect that they are dangerous.

01:33:22.000 That's why I worked with a trainer for like almost a year.

01:33:24.000 And at this point, me and my girl could take our dog, walk it through a bunch of five-year-olds holding raw meat, and there wouldn't be a fucking problem.

01:33:31.000 There just wouldn't be.

01:33:32.000 You say that, but you don't know that.

01:33:34.000 Because dogs do strange things.

01:33:36.000 I had a dog kill one of my dogs.

01:33:39.000 Yeah, I know.

01:33:40.000 Came home and saw a fucking bloodbath in the kitchen.

01:33:42.000 I never would have suspected that.

01:33:44.000 I know.

01:33:44.000 But also, how much did you read up on the breed before you got it?

01:33:47.000 Oh, I read up a lot.

01:33:48.000 I've had them for years.

01:33:49.000 I've had them for most of my life.

01:33:50.000 I don't want to get into this debate.

01:33:51.000 No, look, I love the dogs.

01:33:53.000 I love the dogs.

01:33:54.000 I sat here.

01:33:54.000 I supported you and your lifestyle.

01:33:56.000 Thank you.

01:33:56.000 And as I'm walking out, hyping my fucking little charity thing I'm going to, all of a sudden I'm getting static.

01:34:01.000 I see how this game is.

01:34:02.000 I'm sorry.

01:34:03.000 You know what this is?

01:34:04.000 I do love them.

01:34:04.000 This is a bait and switch.

01:34:06.000 I do love them.

01:34:07.000 I've had a bunch of them.

01:34:09.000 All dogs are fucking nuts.

01:34:12.000 They're nuts, okay?

01:34:13.000 They are nuts.

01:34:14.000 These are great dogs.

01:34:15.000 I love mine to death.

01:34:16.000 It's tougher than I'll ever be.

01:34:18.000 You ever see my bodyguard?

01:34:19.000 That's what my dog is.

01:34:20.000 I'm like the little nerd riding on the handlebars trying to find that piece for the carburetor.

01:34:25.000 You have a pit bull?

01:34:26.000 Yes, I do.

01:34:27.000 How is he around other dogs?

01:34:29.000 Likes little dogs, gets competitive with big dogs.

01:34:31.000 So we don't take it to the dog park.

01:34:33.000 Problem solved.

01:34:35.000 Just make sure that you have a sturdy leash and you never have them around dogs, right?

01:34:38.000 Yeah.

01:34:39.000 They're great to have around the yard, man.

01:34:40.000 I'm way beyond that.

01:34:40.000 They're so smart.

01:34:41.000 That's like me saying, listen, make sure you don't stick your thumbs in here when you make a fist.

01:34:45.000 That's what you're saying to me right now, okay?

01:34:48.000 No, I'm not even suggesting it.

01:34:49.000 I'm just asking how you do it.

01:34:51.000 Do you have a philosophy behind it?

01:34:52.000 Some people don't have that philosophy.

01:34:54.000 They just say, I see problems coming, and I just cross them across the street.

01:34:58.000 That would be the martial arts version of just avoiding the fight.

01:35:02.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:35:03.000 There's that.

01:35:04.000 Hoping that collar holds up.

01:35:06.000 Yeah, you have to have the right kind of collar.

01:35:07.000 You have to know what to do with the collar.

01:35:08.000 If you know what to do and how to hold the leash, that thing's going to go the same way.

01:35:11.000 You get somebody in a hold, and where they want to stand up and sit down, they have no fucking control, because they're like, ah.

01:35:16.000 It's the same thing with, like, you know, the next, like, pivot point, you have...

01:35:25.000 a choker collar.

01:35:34.000 The ones with the points where it doesn't put them to sleep.

01:35:36.000 No, no, no.

01:35:37.000 Those are fine.

01:35:38.000 They don't hurt them.

01:35:38.000 I don't do that.

01:35:40.000 Listen, you're going to get me in trouble here.

01:35:41.000 I have to go to a bunch of fucking tree huggers right now.

01:35:44.000 All right, man.

01:35:45.000 We'll save some pit bulls.

01:35:47.000 Anytime you want to come back and do it again.

01:35:48.000 When can people see you do stand-up?

01:35:49.000 I am going to be at the Improv in San Jose.

01:35:53.000 This weekend?

01:35:54.000 This weekend.

01:35:55.000 Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

01:35:57.000 My whole new hour is coming together.

01:35:59.000 And that is it.

01:36:02.000 The San Jose Improv is fucking awesome.

01:36:03.000 That's a really old theater.

01:36:05.000 That's a cool, old, historic place.

01:36:08.000 So thanks for coming by.

01:36:10.000 Follow Bill Burr on Twitter.

01:36:11.000 We're the ones to talk to him again on a Twitter page.

01:36:14.000 And now you've got like 100,000 people on that shit, right?

01:36:16.000 I was the first one to make you one.

01:36:18.000 I'm getting up there, yeah.

01:36:19.000 Brian was responsible for you.

01:36:21.000 Thank you.

01:36:21.000 For your digital revolution.

01:36:23.000 It's Bill Burr, B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R. Thanks, buddy.

01:36:25.000 Thanks for having me, guys.

01:36:26.000 All right, we'll see you.

01:36:28.000 Thanks to...

01:36:29.000 Should we just end this, Brian?

01:36:30.000 Do you have anything you want to say?

01:36:31.000 No.

01:36:31.000 Okay.

01:36:32.000 Friday night, Ice House, 10.30 p.m.

01:36:34.000 show.

01:36:35.000 We got, so far, a mad lineup of Brendan Walsh.

01:36:41.000 Who else is it?

01:36:42.000 Brendan Walsh.

01:36:43.000 Burt Kreischer, maybe.

01:36:44.000 Maybe Burt Kreischer.

01:36:45.000 Maybe Burt Kreischer, Eliza, Doug Benson, Aiko Tanaka, and a couple other people.

01:36:51.000 That shit's devastating, people.

01:36:53.000 10.30 show, and me.

01:36:55.000 Oh, yeah.

01:36:55.000 I'm on that show, too.

01:36:55.000 Nick Yusuf.

01:36:56.000 Oh, Nick Yusuf, too.

01:37:00.000 Kicking in the throw kicks in the night.

01:37:03.000 I should name my special that throwing kicks in the night.

01:37:08.000 That's it.

01:37:09.000 So come on down Friday night Ice House in Pasadena.

01:37:12.000 Go to icehousecomedy.com for more details.

01:37:14.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast.

01:37:17.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and if you enter in a codename ROGAN, you will save yourself 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

01:37:27.000 Go get them, boys.

01:37:28.000 We're also sponsored by Onnit.com.

01:37:31.000 O-N-N-I-T, makers of Alpha Brain and the source of more twats on my message board than any other product I've ever been involved with in my life.

01:37:43.000 I want to thank you for exposing yourself.

01:37:47.000 Haters are like fucking snake venom.

01:37:49.000 You gotta go?

01:37:49.000 Later?

01:37:50.000 Bill Burr, I'm gonna leave.

01:37:51.000 Go to honor.com, click on the link for...

01:37:55.000 What does it say?

01:37:55.000 Alpha Brain on my website?

01:37:57.000 I didn't remember what the link says.

01:37:58.000 It says Alpha Brain.

01:37:58.000 Use the code name Brogan.

01:38:00.000 Save yourself 10% off any and all orders.

01:38:02.000 Lots of new stuff is coming down the pipes, including the kettlebells and the protein powder.

01:38:07.000 The kettlebells, I think you can buy them now online, but I'll let you know when the official launch happens.

01:38:11.000 All right, you dirty bitches.

01:38:12.000 We will see you Friday with the Nice House Chronicles that you can only listen to online, on Ustream, on my Ustream page, or on iTunes, on Death Squad.

01:38:22.000 So subscribe, and we'll see you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 13, 2012

Joe Rogan Experience #228 - Bill Burr

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