The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #2333

00:00:01.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!

00:00:12.000 Alright, we're done.

00:00:13.000 We're rolling, don't do anything illegal.

00:00:15.000 Are we on the OZEM pick?

00:00:16.000 No.

00:00:17.000 Come on, everybody's on the ZEM.

00:00:19.000 I think it's probably bad for you.

00:00:21.000 It might, in the end, be bad for you.

00:00:24.000 There's also that part of me I can't bring myself to actually not work out.

00:00:28.000 You look ripped!

00:00:29.000 No, no, no.

00:00:30.000 You're allowed to work out.

00:00:31.000 You don't want to talk about it, but look at those shoulders.

00:00:34.000 Look at those shoulders, dog.

00:00:35.000 Those shoulders are coming in strong.

00:00:37.000 You look noticeably thicker.

00:00:41.000 Like, no, yeah.

00:00:42.000 That's what I said to my trainer.

00:00:43.000 He's like, you want to lose weight?

00:00:44.000 I said, no.

00:00:46.000 Bigger.

00:00:47.000 I want to get jacked.

00:00:48.000 Fucking huge.

00:00:49.000 Dude, you've been in this gym, like, super fucking consistent.

00:00:51.000 If I'm in Austin, I come here every day.

00:00:53.000 It's awesome.

00:00:54.000 Every day, it's very nice.

00:00:55.000 Every time you open that door and I see it pop out, I'm like, fuck yeah.

00:00:58.000 He's getting after it.

00:01:01.000 Getting after it.

00:01:02.000 Do you worry about the buff?

00:01:03.000 Comedy, though.

00:01:04.000 I will never actually get into it.

00:01:07.000 Well, I very rarely wear a t-shirt on stage.

00:01:10.000 Or anything tight.

00:01:12.000 Shirtless is my mood.

00:01:13.000 I just want to look like a fucking champ.

00:01:15.000 Take a shirt off like Hulk Hogan.

00:01:17.000 That's fun.

00:01:18.000 Start comedy.

00:01:18.000 Yeah, Greischer, when he started losing weight and he was getting jacked, I'm like, you're taking away from your act there, fella.

00:01:24.000 Exactly.

00:01:24.000 You look like a football player now.

00:01:27.000 Bert was getting some big, thick-ass shoulders.

00:01:29.000 I don't do a lot of fat jokes.

00:01:31.000 If any.

00:01:31.000 No.

00:01:32.000 No, you don't really.

00:01:33.000 You might make fun of yourself if it helps something.

00:01:36.000 It doesn't matter.

00:01:36.000 Yeah.

00:01:37.000 Well, you're not fat enough.

00:01:38.000 You're more like squishy.

00:01:40.000 You're just a fat guy.

00:01:41.000 You're not like a fat guy.

00:01:43.000 So absurdly fat that we have to talk about it.

00:01:45.000 Bert doesn't really do fat jokes either.

00:01:47.000 No.

00:01:49.000 Really?

00:01:50.000 No, not really.

00:01:51.000 Sometimes you just gotta attack the elephant in the room just to get it out of the way, but then after that, fuck it.

00:01:56.000 But if you're really good, you don't even need it.

00:01:59.000 But if you have a joke that's funny, who fucking cares?

00:02:03.000 That's the weirdest thing is comics, policing what should be talked about.

00:02:06.000 If someone comes up with the most amazing fart joke of all time, I'm going to die laughing.

00:02:12.000 It's like, I don't do any, I don't have any, but on anything and everything, there's a take on anything and everything that's like, ah!

00:02:21.000 You know?

00:02:22.000 You just gotta find where it is.

00:02:24.000 That's kind of my goal.

00:02:25.000 Just to come up with the best fart joke of all time.

00:02:27.000 Ate's dog?

00:02:28.000 No, not yet, Joe.

00:02:29.000 What's that?

00:02:29.000 Come on.

00:02:30.000 You're bad at Lucy today, dude.

00:02:33.000 What's up with you?

00:02:33.000 He's fired up, dude.

00:02:35.000 You've pulled out three drugs.

00:02:35.000 He's gamed it.

00:02:36.000 I've been here in eight minutes.

00:02:38.000 Shh.

00:02:39.000 There's no drugs.

00:02:40.000 No drugs.

00:02:40.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:02:41.000 Just Ozempic.

00:02:41.000 It's just nicotine.

00:02:42.000 Don't get the fence on us.

00:02:44.000 Lucy Breakers.

00:02:45.000 What's the heckle fish?

00:02:46.000 Oh, that's from, um, you ever see that, uh, YouTube show, The Y Files?

00:02:50.000 No.

00:02:51.000 It's a great fucking show.

00:02:52.000 It's all about, like, fucking aliens and why you can't go into the Grand Canyon and, you know, secret fucking temples and stuff like that.

00:02:59.000 And AJ Gentile is the host.

00:03:02.000 And then this is a fish that sits in the fish tank next to him and talks shit to him.

00:03:07.000 I will be a strict but fair lord of these lands and my thirst will come to idolize you.

00:03:13.000 Look at you.

00:03:14.000 There's drugs.

00:03:15.000 Can't say there's no drugs.

00:03:17.000 Hold up a fucking stuffed animal.

00:03:17.000 Yeah.

00:03:19.000 Guys, check this out.

00:03:21.000 He put his nose on his forehead.

00:03:23.000 Well, the thing is like now everybody comes and they give me something for the table.

00:03:27.000 That's like part of the fun.

00:03:28.000 I got this little Olmec head That's sick.

00:03:31.000 From Luke Caverns.

00:03:32.000 Pretty dope.

00:03:32.000 I also got an Aztec death whistle.

00:03:35.000 Do not blow it.

00:03:36.000 I blew it.

00:03:37.000 The last time we had one of these and we blew it, Callan blew it on the podcast and the pandemic started a month later.

00:03:45.000 I'm not kidding.

00:03:46.000 Fucking L.A. was locked down.

00:03:48.000 People were connecting it to the death whistle.

00:03:50.000 It was a conspiracy theory.

00:03:52.000 Oh, poor Bob.

00:03:55.000 Sorry.

00:03:56.000 You got me.

00:03:57.000 Ah, the death battle.

00:03:59.000 That one drives me nuts.

00:04:01.000 Yeah.

00:04:02.000 Pop Saget does?

00:04:02.000 Yeah, because it's the same thing that happened to Heather McDonald.

00:04:04.000 Blacked out, fell, smashed your head, died.

00:04:07.000 She lived, because she was on stage, and luckily they got medical help.

00:04:12.000 Rug, rung on the stage also.

00:04:13.000 It was fake?

00:04:14.000 No, rug.

00:04:15.000 No, it was hardwood.

00:04:15.000 Oh.

00:04:16.000 I don't think it was a rug.

00:04:17.000 Hardwood.

00:04:19.000 I've seen that video 30 times.

00:04:21.000 Her head bounces.

00:04:23.000 It's very terrifying.

00:04:24.000 That's how people die in street fights.

00:04:26.000 That's the big reason why people die in street fights.

00:04:29.000 They get knocked out and they hit their head.

00:04:31.000 It's not from getting punched to death most of the time.

00:04:33.000 Right.

00:04:34.000 Most of the time it's from falling and hitting your head.

00:04:36.000 Remember the knockout game?

00:04:37.000 Knockout game.

00:04:38.000 Bro, that is so scary.

00:04:40.000 That's so scary.

00:04:41.000 Filming crimes is a very...

00:04:44.000 We're already watching it again.

00:04:45.000 That stage is hard.

00:04:46.000 Here she goes.

00:04:47.000 Get the Hitler speech.

00:04:48.000 Oh!

00:04:49.000 Wow!

00:04:50.000 It kind of gets enveloped into the stage.

00:04:52.000 Fractured her skull.

00:04:52.000 That was crazy.

00:04:53.000 Really?

00:04:54.000 Fractured her skull.

00:04:55.000 Whoa!

00:04:56.000 Yeah.

00:04:57.000 Scary shit.

00:04:58.000 Yikes.

00:05:00.000 Nice Jamie.

00:05:00.000 You bleed in the brain.

00:05:02.000 That was perfect.

00:05:02.000 Didn't need the whole thing.

00:05:04.000 Possibility you'll never be the same again.

00:05:05.000 Question is, did it kill?

00:05:07.000 It was the biggest laugh of the set.

00:05:07.000 Did it get a laugh?

00:05:09.000 All right.

00:05:10.000 Well, it might have been worth it.

00:05:11.000 Until people found out it was real.

00:05:12.000 Yeah, they thought it was just being hilarious.

00:05:15.000 Oh, wow.

00:05:16.000 Which is the way you would do it.

00:05:17.000 You ever get an accidental joke where you say something and everyone laughs?

00:05:19.000 You're like, oh, I can see the double meaning on that.

00:05:22.000 I'll pretend I meant that.

00:05:24.000 Oh, yeah, definitely.

00:05:25.000 Well, that's the difference between writing it and saying it, right?

00:05:28.000 You write it, and you're like, I think I know how to go with this.

00:05:30.000 And then you get on stage and say it, and you're like, oh, that's the funny part.

00:05:33.000 This is fucking ridiculous.

00:05:35.000 The fact that this exists is ridiculous.

00:05:37.000 I'm always embarrassed if I wrote something.

00:05:39.000 And then say it, and it's not even close.

00:05:41.000 What the fuck was I thinking?

00:05:43.000 At this point, I always think of it as like a scaffolding.

00:05:47.000 I'm like, I don't know what's good until I get up there.

00:05:49.000 Yeah, well, it's funny how when you're in your apartment, you're killing.

00:05:52.000 You're like, man, this is good stuff.

00:05:53.000 And then when you get up there, you can feel, this won't work.

00:05:57.000 Yeah, right when you're on stage.

00:05:58.000 I don't know why I'm saying this.

00:06:00.000 But when you have people in front of you, you're like, oh, this is not gonna hit.

00:06:02.000 Oh my god, it's the best.

00:06:04.000 And then you went into it with so prepared, and then they're just looking at you like, You go into it like, I wrote a new bit today, this thing's gonna fucking kill.

00:06:12.000 Yeah.

00:06:13.000 Two words into it, you go.

00:06:13.000 In your notebook.

00:06:15.000 That's why comedy's great, because you can never really crack it.

00:06:17.000 You can get better at it, but you can never really go, this is gonna work.

00:06:21.000 It's also a truly collaborative thing.

00:06:23.000 You have to have an audience.

00:06:24.000 Yeah.

00:06:25.000 Gary Clark Jr. could write a fucking amazing album by himself in his private music studio, and nobody has to hear it until you listen to it the first time.

00:06:34.000 You're like, god damn.

00:06:36.000 Oliver Anthony's new album.

00:06:36.000 Yeah.

00:06:38.000 I haven't heard it.

00:06:39.000 Bro.

00:06:40.000 Really?

00:06:40.000 Bro.

00:06:41.000 There's a song.

00:06:43.000 We're going to play this song.

00:06:44.000 Leak it?

00:06:44.000 You can't play it on the air.

00:06:46.000 So we'll play it.

00:06:47.000 The same one you already sent me?

00:06:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:06:48.000 I should have it already.

00:06:48.000 We'll play it and then we'll react to it.

00:06:51.000 Okay.

00:06:52.000 I'll tell you guys.

00:06:53.000 Cut all this out.

00:06:55.000 I'll tell you guys what happened.

00:06:57.000 So Oliver Anthony has no money, right?

00:06:59.000 He's poor.

00:07:00.000 He's selling farm equipment.

00:07:02.000 He puts his song on YouTube.

00:07:03.000 He's a fucking superstar, right?

00:07:05.000 He doesn't know what to do.

00:07:06.000 He freaks out.

00:07:07.000 He asks me for advice.

00:07:08.000 I call him on the phone.

00:07:09.000 We have a conversation for like a fucking hour where I go, don't sign anything with anybody.

00:07:14.000 And he's like, they're telling me I have to strike while the iron's hot.

00:07:16.000 I go, bullshit.

00:07:16.000 They're trying to steal money from you.

00:07:18.000 I go, you're independent.

00:07:19.000 You're already there.

00:07:20.000 You already made it.

00:07:21.000 I know if you wrote that song.

00:07:23.000 I'm like, if you wrote that song, you could write a dozen of those fucking songs.

00:07:25.000 You don't need anybody.

00:07:27.000 He's like, they're offering me $7 million.

00:07:29.000 I go, no, no, no.

00:07:29.000 They're offering to steal money from you for the rest.

00:07:31.000 That's what they're doing.

00:07:32.000 I go, you don't need them.

00:07:33.000 You have talent.

00:07:35.000 So, cut to, he starts making millions of dollars, doing arenas.

00:07:39.000 The wife divorces him.

00:07:41.000 She wants everything.

00:07:42.000 She wants everything.

00:07:44.000 She wants more than half.

00:07:45.000 She wants all the money that he's going to be making in the future because she was with him when he was broke.

00:07:50.000 It's fucking crazy.

00:07:51.000 He's just tortured.

00:07:52.000 What a fucking idiot.

00:07:53.000 Wants to die.

00:07:54.000 Wants to die.

00:07:55.000 And he writes this song.

00:07:57.000 Wow.

00:07:58.000 Wait, this song you're about to play?

00:08:00.000 Yes.

00:08:00.000 He writes this song.

00:08:01.000 You got it, Jamie?

00:08:03.000 Bro.

00:08:03.000 By the time this episode comes out, that song will be out.

00:08:07.000 Okay.

00:08:08.000 Well, he just wrote the...

00:08:08.000 Really?

00:08:10.000 He just ethered his wife.

00:08:12.000 Oh, my God.

00:08:13.000 What a diss track.

00:08:17.000 Bro, that's the craziest diss track of all time.

00:08:19.000 Wait, it's coming out tomorrow?

00:08:20.000 The next day?

00:08:20.000 It's coming out tomorrow.

00:08:22.000 The song is?

00:08:25.000 The math don't seem right.

00:08:26.000 It's so funny.

00:08:27.000 Every divorced dude on earth is going to be just funny.

00:08:34.000 Woo-wee!

00:08:35.000 Oh, that's what he said.

00:08:36.000 It doesn't seem right for her.

00:08:37.000 For her.

00:08:38.000 That she wants more than that.

00:08:39.000 She's lucky he got out with a song.

00:08:39.000 Yay.

00:08:41.000 Yay.

00:08:42.000 Because he would have killed her.

00:08:43.000 Yeah, if he didn't have a guitar, that's a stringling.

00:08:47.000 That guy doesn't need a record deal.

00:08:50.000 That guy don't need nobody.

00:08:51.000 He's a hitman.

00:08:52.000 He don't need nobody.

00:08:54.000 He's Lisa Loeb.

00:08:54.000 Remember Lisa Loeb?

00:08:55.000 Did she do everything?

00:08:56.000 She had a top five hit on a subway.

00:08:59.000 And then every label was like, we want you.

00:08:59.000 Whoa.

00:09:03.000 And she's like, well, hold on now.

00:09:04.000 I think I got the upper hand.

00:09:06.000 Oh, very clever.

00:09:07.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of people that have done that now that just completely bypassed the system.

00:09:10.000 A lot of me.

00:09:11.000 Lobotomy?

00:09:12.000 What happened there?

00:09:13.000 No.

00:09:13.000 Lisa Loeb?

00:09:14.000 That's a stretch.

00:09:15.000 That's a stretch.

00:09:16.000 You see him?

00:09:17.000 That's a stretch.

00:09:18.000 Earlobe.

00:09:19.000 Some of those ladies, they kind of vanish.

00:09:22.000 You know, like, Lisa Loeb was huge.

00:09:24.000 She was.

00:09:24.000 She was the chick with the glasses, right?

00:09:26.000 She was cute.

00:09:26.000 Yep.

00:09:26.000 She was hot.

00:09:27.000 I did something with her on VH1 once.

00:09:30.000 Ooh!

00:09:31.000 Yeah, some talk show thing.

00:09:33.000 She was very nice.

00:09:34.000 Nice lady.

00:09:35.000 Yeah.

00:09:35.000 Time is this before 3, right?

00:09:37.000 Yeah.

00:09:37.000 Why, you want coughing?

00:09:38.000 Yeah.

00:09:38.000 At 3 p.m., you cut it off?

00:09:40.000 It starts to slow down.

00:09:41.000 Mr. Regimented.

00:09:42.000 I won't sleep.

00:09:44.000 Anyway, let's talk more about this.

00:09:45.000 You have a hard time sleeping?

00:09:46.000 If I have too much of this.

00:09:47.000 Same.

00:09:47.000 Damn.

00:09:48.000 I'm on the pills.

00:09:49.000 You're on what pills?

00:09:50.000 Sleeping pills.

00:09:51.000 Oh, no.

00:09:51.000 Which ones?

00:09:52.000 You've got to get on boner pills.

00:09:53.000 They're way better.

00:09:53.000 I'm taking an anti-schizophrenia thing.

00:09:56.000 What?

00:09:57.000 It's Seroquil.

00:09:58.000 I've taken that shit.

00:09:59.000 That shit sucks.

00:09:59.000 Give that a good.

00:10:00.000 Wait, that's the only thing it works for me.

00:10:02.000 Fucking Stanhope.

00:10:03.000 That makes you go to sleep?

00:10:04.000 Yeah.

00:10:05.000 Yeah, it makes you sleep.

00:10:05.000 Wait, isn't that right?

00:10:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:10:07.000 Have you tried deadlifts?

00:10:09.000 No.

00:10:10.000 Just work out real hard so you're exhausted.

00:10:11.000 You work out.

00:10:12.000 Wait, isn't that where Brody was on Seroquel?

00:10:14.000 No!

00:10:14.000 Is that when he got off?

00:10:16.000 I think he was.

00:10:16.000 Seroquel is serious.

00:10:17.000 Really?

00:10:18.000 I think it is.

00:10:19.000 I think he got off on his own and that's when he went off the rails.

00:10:22.000 Alright, there you go.

00:10:23.000 Yeah, that got real weird.

00:10:25.000 He's a deadlift.

00:10:26.000 Oh, you son of a bitch.

00:10:28.000 It's a friend!

00:10:29.000 When I got back from Stan Hopes, when I was out there, I had some Seroquel, the rapper, in my pocket.

00:10:40.000 And I got back to my parents' house.

00:10:41.000 It was during COVID.

00:10:42.000 My mom was doing laundry.

00:10:44.000 Oh, no.

00:10:44.000 It was like, what the fuck is Seroquel?

00:10:46.000 And I was like, I don't know.

00:10:49.000 So my guy gave it to me and I took it.

00:10:51.000 Yeah.

00:10:51.000 Did it help you sleep?

00:10:52.000 Yeah, it fucked me up for like three days.

00:10:54.000 Really?

00:10:55.000 I'd take it every night.

00:10:56.000 I don't think you're supposed to take somebody else's, especially not Stanhope.

00:10:59.000 Stanhope's got elephant doses.

00:11:00.000 Stanhope's dosage is not your dosage.

00:11:02.000 For anything.

00:11:03.000 For anything.

00:11:04.000 Yeah, I woke up on Wednesday.

00:11:05.000 You could go beer to beer with him for sure, but anything else.

00:11:08.000 Just beer, yeah.

00:11:08.000 Anything else, stay away.

00:11:10.000 Stand up as a tolerance.

00:11:12.000 If you need it.

00:11:12.000 He does.

00:11:12.000 He says, "Just don't go to the doctor!" You don't want to know.

00:11:18.000 It's so funny when somebody gives you drugs and you're like, it's strong.

00:11:21.000 To who?

00:11:22.000 Who are we talking about now?

00:11:24.000 Stanhope has various hernias all over his stomach.

00:11:27.000 He can just lay back and pop his stomach.

00:11:30.000 Really?

00:11:30.000 Oh, no.

00:11:31.000 Yeah, he's a mess.

00:11:32.000 He's the best.

00:11:33.000 He's the best.

00:11:33.000 He's riding it till the wheels fall off.

00:11:35.000 Hell, yeah.

00:11:35.000 He is.

00:11:36.000 He's a mess.

00:11:37.000 He's the best.

00:11:37.000 He's riding it till the wheels fall off.

00:11:38.000 Give that to Albert Anthony and say, run with it.

00:11:40.000 Run with it, yeah.

00:11:42.000 An ode to Stanhope.

00:11:43.000 Yeah.

00:11:45.000 I check out on his Instagram somewhere.

00:11:46.000 He's wearing fucking flea market clothes in some other country doing stand-up.

00:11:52.000 We're in Ukraine.

00:11:54.000 Get the fuck out of there.

00:11:57.000 We're in the smoking room at a bar in Luliana.

00:12:00.000 I think I'll film a special here.

00:12:02.000 There's 30 people.

00:12:02.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:12:03.000 Let's go.

00:12:04.000 He's a maniac.

00:12:05.000 He did my podcast recently and it's like 1 p.m.

00:12:09.000 He gets hammered and then he's like, what are we doing?

00:12:11.000 And we're like, we gotta do another one.

00:12:13.000 And he was like, what?

00:12:14.000 I thought we were hanging out all day.

00:12:16.000 And he was pissed.

00:12:17.000 I get it.

00:12:18.000 Well, you've got to set the terms for your agreement in advance.

00:12:21.000 I guess.

00:12:21.000 Hey, you do a bod, you leave after.

00:12:23.000 You can't just assume we're going to get hammered and hang out all day unless we talk about it.

00:12:26.000 Right.

00:12:27.000 I would say, though, if I get day drunk with people, I...

00:12:31.000 Yeah, it's a good plan.

00:12:32.000 Where are you going?

00:12:33.000 If we get together and have barbecue at Terry Black's at 1 o 'clock and like, let's fucking get blasted.

00:12:39.000 It's over.

00:12:40.000 The day's over.

00:12:41.000 You're hanging out all day.

00:12:42.000 Yeah, you're done for three days.

00:12:43.000 I rarely get those days.

00:12:45.000 I rarely get that.

00:12:47.000 Those days were fun back when you had all the time in the world.

00:12:50.000 You had nothing to do.

00:12:51.000 No pod.

00:12:52.000 My family went away for a week.

00:12:53.000 COVID was the best.

00:12:54.000 Noon, you'd be with DeRosa, you'd call Big J, like, it's 12.02, you want a drink?

00:12:59.000 That was the good thing about COVID, right?

00:13:00.000 The people who are risk-takers, you get together with them.

00:13:03.000 You go outside, too, and just drink out there.

00:13:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:05.000 How long did you guys go without being around anybody, though?

00:13:08.000 I was, like, good people the whole time.

00:13:08.000 Oh, man.

00:13:10.000 The whole time?

00:13:11.000 You never, like, took a week off of, I mean, other than, like, family and, like, real close friends?

00:13:11.000 Yeah, I was on the road.

00:13:16.000 Yeah, I did do that.

00:13:17.000 It was, like, three, four weeks, actually.

00:13:20.000 Bro, that's so bad for your brain.

00:13:22.000 I went three months.

00:13:23.000 How many guys never came back?

00:13:25.000 A lot of people never came back.

00:13:27.000 Some people are starting to come back.

00:13:29.000 I don't want to name them.

00:13:30.000 I know what you're talking about.

00:13:32.000 It's funny to see them the first week.

00:13:34.000 And you know, that's where I was when I got back.

00:13:36.000 I was like, hey, too close, too close.

00:13:37.000 Lewis immediately goes, I'm like, hey, I'm still trying to...

00:13:42.000 Come on, Lewis.

00:13:43.000 But you see people like, hi.

00:13:45.000 I'm like, oh, you just got back?

00:13:46.000 It took a week.

00:13:47.000 You gotta get back now, though.

00:13:48.000 Burr would only do elbow touches for a while.

00:13:52.000 Meet outside and do elbow touches.

00:13:56.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:13:57.000 I was hugging everybody.

00:13:59.000 Fuck it.

00:13:59.000 Those were dark days.

00:14:01.000 I remember not thinking it was going to end.

00:14:02.000 I know, man.

00:14:04.000 But there's a lot of good came out of it.

00:14:06.000 It forced me to move here.

00:14:06.000 It was my favorite.

00:14:07.000 It was my favorite, too.

00:14:09.000 What a fun time.

00:14:09.000 Really?

00:14:10.000 You had time to think.

00:14:10.000 Really?

00:14:12.000 Time to hang out with your friends.

00:14:13.000 Also, I had just gotten canceled.

00:14:15.000 It was perfect.

00:14:17.000 I just went to a beach house.

00:14:19.000 Same, actually.

00:14:21.000 It was $20 on Airbnb.

00:14:22.000 Nobody was traveling.

00:14:23.000 You went to North Carolina, right?

00:14:25.000 Didn't you have time to just sit in it, though?

00:14:27.000 No, I was drinking at the beach.

00:14:29.000 What advice did I give you when you went to North Carolina?

00:14:31.000 It was something normal.

00:14:33.000 Don't say gook.

00:14:34.000 Make a fire on the pitch.

00:14:35.000 Stop saying it.

00:14:40.000 That was my advice.

00:14:43.000 Don't say it.

00:14:45.000 Oh my god.

00:14:46.000 No, it was Hilton Head and it was Make a Fire.

00:14:49.000 We made fires every night.

00:14:50.000 I remember you called me like, hey, you were right.

00:14:52.000 Beach fires rule.

00:14:54.000 Wow, what a trash crew.

00:14:55.000 It's the trashiest.

00:14:56.000 That's fun.

00:14:57.000 crew of pigs.

00:14:58.000 We're big.

00:15:05.000 Oh yeah!

00:15:06.000 Good call.

00:15:08.000 You guys want a big one or a little one?

00:15:09.000 I'll do a little one.

00:15:10.000 Is that a short story?

00:15:14.000 These are all given to me by Jose Andres.

00:15:16.000 Is that a short story?

00:15:18.000 You know, maybe you know.

00:15:20.000 I know.

00:15:21.000 Cigari Shafir.

00:15:22.000 A short story, that's what they call them.

00:15:23.000 You want a short one?

00:15:24.000 Let me see.

00:15:25.000 I'm actually alright.

00:15:26.000 I don't like any of them.

00:15:27.000 Let me see all of them.

00:15:28.000 You don't know what the fuck that is.

00:15:30.000 Oh, this is the one.

00:15:32.000 It's OpenX.

00:15:33.000 This is a high-end version of this brand.

00:15:35.000 They're super legit.

00:15:37.000 The short stories are great, though.

00:15:37.000 What do you want?

00:15:38.000 I'll take a nice light one.

00:15:39.000 You won't appreciate it.

00:15:41.000 That might be too heavy for me.

00:15:42.000 Do a short story.

00:15:43.000 You'll like it.

00:15:44.000 Give me a little chode.

00:15:47.000 That's not a chode.

00:15:47.000 That thing's fine.

00:15:48.000 That's true.

00:15:50.000 Well, if you only want like a little bit, like Ron White has those little tiny ones.

00:15:54.000 Yeah, those are nice.

00:15:55.000 Darius has those all the time.

00:15:55.000 Tiny cigars.

00:15:57.000 But he inhales those motherfuckers.

00:15:58.000 He does.

00:15:59.000 He inhales them like he does a cigarette.

00:16:00.000 I'm like, that is so bad for you.

00:16:04.000 Those are so bad for you.

00:16:06.000 You're going, you're taking straight cigar smoke in your lungs.

00:16:10.000 There you go.

00:16:11.000 You know how to do it.

00:16:12.000 That's it.

00:16:13.000 Bro, how good is that song?

00:16:15.000 Very good.

00:16:15.000 That song freaks me out.

00:16:16.000 Good soulful song.

00:16:17.000 It feels like a throwback.

00:16:18.000 You can't fake that.

00:16:19.000 You can't fake that.

00:16:20.000 I've never heard a guy make a song about a divorce.

00:16:25.000 It's pretty funny.

00:16:26.000 He's going through it, dawg.

00:16:29.000 Rock's like, you'll be mad if you make 30 grand if you have to give up half.

00:16:33.000 Half at 10 million's nothing.

00:16:35.000 Half at 30 grand.

00:16:36.000 That's a fucking crazy song.

00:16:38.000 Great tune.

00:16:40.000 Reminds me of Mike Lawrence's joke on Ralphie Mae.

00:16:42.000 During Roast Battle, he goes, your wife's divorcing you, which is crazy to split up now and get half where you can just wait six months and get all of it.

00:16:50.000 Oh, that bro's killed him.

00:16:54.000 That's crazy.

00:16:55.000 That's crazy.

00:16:56.000 Hey, Jamie, do we have any beers in here?

00:16:58.000 There's a whole cooler of them right there.

00:16:59.000 Could you imagine...

00:17:04.000 Actually giving her that advice?

00:17:06.000 Imagine, like, if you're the lawyer.

00:17:08.000 Hey, just wait a little bit.

00:17:09.000 If you're the lawyer, you're like, you know, take him out to eat.

00:17:11.000 Yeah, just wait him out.

00:17:13.000 Take him to fucking Denny's.

00:17:15.000 Oh, sorry.

00:17:16.000 Two in one.

00:17:16.000 Same thing.

00:17:17.000 Keep him going.

00:17:18.000 Yeah.

00:17:19.000 Keep that party rolling.

00:17:20.000 Did you ever work with Panette?

00:17:22.000 Yes, I did.

00:17:23.000 He is a funny fat guy.

00:17:24.000 Bro, I saw Panette when I was like an open-miker.

00:17:26.000 He was like a few years ahead of me.

00:17:28.000 I saw him murder one night.

00:17:29.000 He was such a crusher.

00:17:30.000 He had this bit about going to a Chinese food, all-you-can-eat buffet.

00:17:33.000 And they're like, no!

00:17:35.000 You get out!

00:17:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:17:37.000 I saw it on TV.

00:17:39.000 Bro, he did that at Nick's Comedy Stop one night.

00:17:41.000 packed house, brought the it wasn't the first time I realized how phony Hollywood is.

00:18:02.000 He came into the improv and all the agents and managers and the suck-ups like, "John, you look amazing!

00:18:07.000 You look so good!" He looks like a 480-pound guy, and I'm like, "What?" We did it to Shane 20 minutes ago.

00:18:14.000 No, no, no.

00:18:15.000 And now everyone was very mean.

00:18:18.000 One of the guys outside was like, "You look good.

00:18:21.000 Well, better." That's fair.

00:18:23.000 That's like, I believe you now.

00:18:24.000 He wasn't joking.

00:18:25.000 He was totally genuine.

00:18:26.000 Being honest with you.

00:18:27.000 Yeah.

00:18:28.000 Pretty funny.

00:18:29.000 Well, better.

00:18:30.000 It's such a great...

00:18:33.000 With how much your privacy is being invaded online, VPNs are no longer just a nice thing to have.

00:18:38.000 It's a necessity.

00:18:39.000 Some people think, I don't need a VPN because I have nothing to hide.

00:18:42.000 But that's exactly what data brokers want you to think because their profits depend on you having nothing to hide.

00:18:49.000 What you do online is your business, and if you want to keep it your business, you need ExpressVPN.

00:18:55.000 With ExpressVPN, 100% of your online activity travels through secure, encrypted servers.

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00:19:43.000 And if you're watching on YouTube, you can get your four free months by scanning the QR code on screen or clicking the link in the description.

00:19:54.000 You're looking fucking good, dude.

00:19:56.000 They'll tell that to you.

00:19:56.000 You look great.

00:19:57.000 You look great.

00:19:58.000 You've never looked better.

00:20:00.000 You look 20 years younger.

00:20:01.000 Oh, look how fat.

00:20:04.000 Man.

00:20:06.000 He's already funny.

00:20:06.000 Unfortunately.

00:20:07.000 He just looks funny.

00:20:08.000 Oh, he was so funny.

00:20:09.000 He was so good.

00:20:10.000 If Ozempic was earlier.

00:20:11.000 Such a good comic.

00:20:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:13.000 Yeah, but then you have a big head.

00:20:16.000 He'd be alive.

00:20:18.000 Alive with a big head's pretty funny, too.

00:20:20.000 That's true.

00:20:20.000 Because when you have a big, fat guy's body, your head grows.

00:20:24.000 Your skull grows?

00:20:25.000 Physically.

00:20:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:20:26.000 Wait, what?

00:20:27.000 If you ever watch a big, giant, fat guy, when they lose a lot of weight, their head looks way too big for their body.

00:20:33.000 Because they were 500 pounds.

00:20:34.000 They had a head of a 500-pound man for 20 years.

00:20:37.000 And then all of a sudden, you know, you get a belly band.

00:20:40.000 And now you weigh a buck fifty.

00:20:42.000 You got 500 pound dude's head.

00:20:44.000 Go from a fighting style of this to...

00:20:49.000 Your jaw is one of the weirdest things.

00:20:52.000 That's what mewing is all about, when people change their jawline.

00:20:56.000 Your jaw moves.

00:20:57.000 Your jaw can get larger.

00:20:59.000 You can actually change your jawline from exercise.

00:21:01.000 Isn't it crazy?

00:21:02.000 You can't alter your dick.

00:21:04.000 You gain weight, nothing happens.

00:21:05.000 You can't work out your dick.

00:21:07.000 We work out our dick every night.

00:21:08.000 You can't do nothing to your dick.

00:21:09.000 Put a man on the moon!

00:21:12.000 We can't.

00:21:13.000 You can't fix the dick.

00:21:14.000 Can't fix the dick.

00:21:15.000 If you got a micropenis...

00:21:23.000 It's a fact now, proven.

00:21:23.000 Come on!

00:21:26.000 The Iranian one?

00:21:27.000 The Iranian one that won the Olympic gold medalist is a man.

00:21:31.000 So she's funny.

00:21:33.000 They released a medical report.

00:21:36.000 Who's that?

00:21:37.000 Well, the IOC is the one that allowed her to compete in the Olympics, but one of these amateur boxing organizations apparently did a test.

00:21:45.000 I thought it was one of those where I was like, you guys are wrong about this one.

00:21:47.000 It's not a trans, it's actually just some Yeah, that went through puberty, the whole deal.

00:21:53.000 Crazy.

00:21:54.000 She's teeing off on bitches in Paris.

00:21:55.000 WAP!

00:21:56.000 WAP!

00:21:57.000 I love it.

00:21:58.000 Crazy.

00:21:59.000 We should have that as an Olympic sport.

00:22:01.000 beating bitches I think this person him up.

00:22:04.000 I'll tell you what, Iran would Oh, yeah.

00:22:08.000 No, no, you got to uppercut.

00:22:10.000 It's like they have all the technique down from yours.

00:22:13.000 You know, it's really dark.

00:22:15.000 First you grab the arm.

00:22:16.000 You bend.

00:22:17.000 You say, shut the fuck up.

00:22:18.000 Shut the fuck up.

00:22:19.000 I told you not to bring that up in front of my fucking friends.

00:22:22.000 Did I see you driving?

00:22:23.000 I told you not to bring that up as such a good...

00:22:26.000 Give me a good pitch.

00:22:28.000 You see Greta Thunberg's on her way there right now.

00:22:31.000 She's gonna fix it.

00:22:32.000 What is this?

00:22:33.000 Thunberg's on her way to Iran.

00:22:34.000 She unfixed Gaza.

00:22:35.000 Oh, she's on a sailboat.

00:22:36.000 She's taking a sailboat to Gaza.

00:22:37.000 Three years fucking later.

00:22:38.000 I can't wait for them to meet her.

00:22:40.000 Bro, that little how dare you girl.

00:22:43.000 How dare you?

00:22:45.000 You know the climate change girl?

00:22:46.000 You know the little autistic girl?

00:22:47.000 She's an adult and nobody cares.

00:22:48.000 Well, now she's free Palestine.

00:22:49.000 She's singing things off her phone.

00:22:51.000 Now she's at the front of a boat like George Washington making its way to Gaza.

00:22:55.000 Really?

00:22:56.000 Bro, there she is.

00:22:57.000 Is the environment done?

00:22:58.000 Leonardo DiCaprio.

00:22:59.000 She's got a nice boat.

00:23:00.000 From the river to the rising sea.

00:23:03.000 Levels.

00:23:04.000 Not bad, dude.

00:23:05.000 She's gonna break the Israeli cable blocker.

00:23:07.000 I've worked on it.

00:23:08.000 Bro, those IDF guys are gonna turn her into cat food.

00:23:14.000 They will light her up from the fucking shore before she's even close.

00:23:19.000 They don't play no games.

00:23:21.000 Both sides are gonna blow that boat up.

00:23:22.000 Yeah, they don't play when they see it.

00:23:23.000 They actually maybe come together on who gets to blow it up.

00:23:28.000 She could be sacrificing herself for all of us.

00:23:30.000 Well, she could be just the best person ever.

00:23:32.000 Nothing greener than killing yourself.

00:23:34.000 Or she could be someone that they take advantage of and use at the front of the line for every cause.

00:23:39.000 It's one of those.

00:23:40.000 She's a young kid, man.

00:23:41.000 It's so crazy to take a young kid and like put them at.

00:23:45.000 This is going to be your life now forever.

00:23:46.000 You're the face of X, Y, and Z. This is...

00:23:51.000 Even if it's not up to her and it is obviously...

00:23:53.000 Not obviously, but it could be out of her hands.

00:23:55.000 She probably has handlers and political shit.

00:23:57.000 Oh, for now.

00:23:58.000 At least she's trying.

00:24:00.000 She is trying.

00:24:00.000 She's trying.

00:24:01.000 Yeah, gainfully employed.

00:24:01.000 She cares.

00:24:01.000 Yeah, she's trying.

00:24:03.000 But this is when they got the South Park kids to fight against Harbucks.

00:24:05.000 What's Harbucks?

00:24:07.000 Starbucks?

00:24:07.000 Starbucks coming in.

00:24:08.000 Was it Starbucks?

00:24:08.000 Starbucks?

00:24:17.000 Let a kid be crying about Trump.

00:24:19.000 Israel, Palestine, and Russia, Ukraine really ended the fucking climate change.

00:24:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:24:25.000 Ended everything.

00:24:26.000 It was like, there's World War III's coming.

00:24:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:28.000 It's like, we don't have time.

00:24:29.000 Yeah, none of the climate change people are like, these bombs are increasing the temperature.

00:24:33.000 Yeah.

00:24:33.000 I think Greta Thunberg, actually.

00:24:35.000 Unless that was fake.

00:24:37.000 It ended a lot of shit.

00:24:38.000 Like, the Palestine, it was like, oh, we forgot about Ukraine, we forgot about BLM, we forgot about...

00:24:48.000 They go, well, let me see where they were from first.

00:24:51.000 It's crazy how everybody's just not, this is all just terrible.

00:24:54.000 It's really terrible.

00:24:55.000 You can't kill them in Texas either.

00:24:56.000 It's a weird time.

00:24:58.000 I caught that one.

00:24:59.000 Hey, thanks.

00:25:00.000 I caught it too.

00:25:01.000 I just stared right through it.

00:25:02.000 I just stared at the table.

00:25:04.000 I don't even think that's funny.

00:25:08.000 It is crazy I can't watch porn here on my phone.

00:25:10.000 That's a real fucking bug.

00:25:11.000 You just have to take a photo of your ID and send it to the government.

00:25:11.000 You can.

00:25:14.000 What's the problem, Mark?

00:25:16.000 What am I, a migrant?

00:25:17.000 We want to know how into feet you really are.

00:25:19.000 Why are some of these states doing that?

00:25:20.000 What is that?

00:25:21.000 Tennessee?

00:25:22.000 I don't mind feet.

00:25:24.000 We just want to track you completely.

00:25:26.000 It is.

00:25:26.000 We want to see what your search history is on Pornhub.

00:25:28.000 It's a nice street, though.

00:25:29.000 You go on the road, you go, oh yeah.

00:25:30.000 Yes, exactly.

00:25:31.000 If you guys are out in New York, you don't know.

00:25:33.000 It's all the tax-free states, too.

00:25:34.000 Florida.

00:25:35.000 Tennessee?

00:25:36.000 Florida, I don't know.

00:25:37.000 Tennessee for sure.

00:25:37.000 It is a bummer, and the only way you find out is when you're doing the show in Tennessee.

00:25:41.000 Don't you guys know about ExpressVPN?

00:25:44.000 Get ExpressVPN.

00:25:44.000 Yeah.

00:25:45.000 Say you're fucking phoning in from Thailand.

00:25:47.000 You can see everything.

00:25:48.000 Yeah, but then sometimes it goes like, it's not registering right, it's not too...

00:25:51.000 Come on.

00:25:52.000 Really?

00:25:53.000 VPNs?

00:25:54.000 Sometimes I'll leave Texas and it's still the same VPN.

00:25:57.000 I'll tell you what the result is.

00:25:58.000 I go on Xvideos now.

00:26:00.000 More regular chicks.

00:26:02.000 Now I'm turned on on just regular bars.

00:26:04.000 Before it had to be at this level.

00:26:07.000 I'm into it.

00:26:08.000 X-videos is rough, though.

00:26:09.000 It's janky.

00:26:09.000 It's rough.

00:26:10.000 Bad lighting, bad stomachs.

00:26:12.000 Ladies need to know 10 pounds extra is way better than 10 pounds too thin, right?

00:26:16.000 Ozempic 10 pounds, that Ozempic 10, where your face gets sucked in.

00:26:19.000 It depends if you're sitting up.

00:26:20.000 I like soft.

00:26:21.000 Yeah, you don't want the Holocaust.

00:26:22.000 Yeah, like an extra few pounds is nice.

00:26:25.000 Like when girls start thinking they need to lose weight, that's when they're like, right there.

00:26:30.000 And they start fucking with their face.

00:26:31.000 Ugh.

00:26:33.000 They should get to the point where they think they should lose a little weight and stay right there.

00:26:37.000 That's where they're perfect.

00:26:39.000 Are you about to make point of someone's face?

00:26:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:43.000 I'll top it off afterwards, I gotta tell you.

00:26:45.000 It's fucking sketchy.

00:26:46.000 Ozempic is sketchy, man.

00:26:48.000 You gotta stay on that, bro.

00:26:50.000 You don't get on it and lose 100 pounds and then like, alright, now I get it.

00:26:50.000 It's gotta be.

00:26:54.000 Big J's doing great.

00:26:56.000 He's slowly going.

00:26:56.000 On Ozempic?

00:26:57.000 No, he's skinny.

00:26:58.000 He was just on the road with me this weekend.

00:27:00.000 He's like slowly going down.

00:27:01.000 How big is his head?

00:27:02.000 What's his head look like?

00:27:03.000 He's got a normal head.

00:27:04.000 He's turned into, you can see that he's an old Jew now.

00:27:04.000 It's okay.

00:27:08.000 Before that, he was fat enough that you didn't really see all the Jewish features.

00:27:11.000 You know who said that?

00:27:12.000 William Shachner.

00:27:13.000 William Shachner says he stays fat because he keeps the wrinkles away.

00:27:16.000 Because he keeps your plump face.

00:27:16.000 Shachner?

00:27:19.000 Captain, motherfucking Kirk.

00:27:21.000 Shachner.

00:27:22.000 Shatner, whatever.

00:27:24.000 Same shit, dog.

00:27:26.000 My favorite basketball player is Shat.

00:27:29.000 But it's funny to watch Jay.

00:27:31.000 Whenever we get in a car now to go somewhere, he's like, I'll get in the back.

00:27:34.000 And it's like, you're new, you're spry now.

00:27:38.000 As a big guy, I relate to that.

00:27:42.000 One day I dreamed to be like fellas.

00:27:44.000 I'll sit in the way back.

00:27:45.000 So what's he going to do with all those giant jean shorts?

00:27:48.000 Sell them.

00:27:49.000 He's got to buy new clothes.

00:27:50.000 Make a sale for Greta.

00:27:53.000 Sew them all together.

00:27:55.000 Make a tent out in Myanmar.

00:27:59.000 Weehawking.

00:28:00.000 I hope she live vlogs that shit.

00:28:02.000 I want to see her go down.

00:28:02.000 Some of the rebels we're arming need tents.

00:28:06.000 Fire him up.

00:28:07.000 Greta Thunberg going to Palestine is like those people going to the unchartable islands and be like, hi, I'm Christian!

00:28:13.000 Yeah, like North Sentinel Island.

00:28:16.000 Jesus, you've forsaken me!

00:28:17.000 That's just crazy.

00:28:18.000 Or the white social worker who goes into Baltimore ghetto, he's like, hey everybody, I'm here, and they just beat the fuck out of me.

00:28:25.000 How about the dude who was a Rockefeller?

00:28:29.000 The dude who was a Rockefeller who went to the Papua New Guinea tribe and they ate him?

00:28:34.000 You know why he fucked up?

00:28:35.000 Yeah, he fucked up because he said, I'm actually very important where I am.

00:28:39.000 They go, oh, that's...

00:28:41.000 What happened was he fucked up and was trying to get a sacred item from them and trying to buy it from them.

00:28:41.000 No, no.

00:28:47.000 And they didn't want to give it.

00:28:48.000 And he was very insistent.

00:28:49.000 And he apparently offended them deeply.

00:28:52.000 And then when he returned, they're like, oh, he's back.

00:28:55.000 And they stabbed him when he was in the boat.

00:28:56.000 They were taking him in the boat over there and they stuck him with a spear.

00:28:59.000 And he was like, oh!

00:29:00.000 Screaming out and he cried.

00:29:02.000 And the guy who told the story, there's a whole depiction of how he died.

00:29:06.000 I read that because also he was an important man in America.

00:29:10.000 In another country, that's better to eat that.

00:29:12.000 That's a good person to eat.

00:29:14.000 I think the big thing was the offense.

00:29:17.000 I think it was the offense, because they would have killed him the first time.

00:29:20.000 Maybe they would have killed him and not eaten him.

00:29:21.000 It was when he came back.

00:29:22.000 Yeah.

00:29:23.000 Here's one, and I'm trying to remember who it is.

00:29:25.000 It might have been a Rockefeller.

00:29:26.000 What?

00:29:28.000 Somebody's kid went to Africa and paid to watch them cannibalize a kid.

00:29:36.000 Yikes.

00:29:37.000 I gotta remember, it's a Rockefeller, like a DuPont, or like one of those names.

00:29:37.000 Whoa!

00:29:41.000 Yeah.

00:29:42.000 I wonder if he's telling this at a party.

00:29:43.000 He goes, guys, just so you know, they were going to kill him and eat him anyway.

00:29:46.000 He did?

00:29:46.000 No, I think that's exactly what he did.

00:29:48.000 He came back and was like, they were going to eat him anyway.

00:29:50.000 I just wanted to watch it.

00:29:51.000 Holy moly.

00:29:52.000 Did you imagine watching that?

00:29:54.000 How about that dude, General Butt Naked?

00:29:56.000 Remember that guy?

00:29:57.000 From Liberia?

00:29:59.000 They would kidnap a child and cut the child's heart out and eat it raw before they would go into battle.

00:30:06.000 And he would go into battle buck naked.

00:30:08.000 James Whiskey.

00:30:10.000 James Whiskey aired by a slave girl to watch her get cannibalized.

00:30:13.000 What?

00:30:15.000 Is that true?

00:30:16.000 Reference to 130-year-old what?

00:30:18.000 That's a tough one.

00:30:19.000 130-year-old scandal and a horrifying anecdote from a colonial expedition.

00:30:23.000 Jamil's been around for 130 years.

00:30:25.000 Wow, he bought a slave girl to watch her get cannibalized?

00:30:30.000 What's true?

00:30:31.000 Go up to the top, scroll up right there.

00:30:33.000 By his own admission, Jamison witnessed the murder and mutilation of a girl and is now the Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1888.

00:30:41.000 Incident took place after Jamison paid handkerchiefs to a man who said, give me a bill of cloth and see.

00:30:48.000 Oh, boy.

00:30:50.000 What?

00:30:50.000 So, Jamison insisted he did not set out with the intention of causing or witnessing any murder or act of cannibalism and describe what he ultimately witnessed as the most horrifyingly sickening sight I am ever likely to see in my life.

00:31:04.000 Just give me a handkerchief.

00:31:05.000 But if you're like, what do you guys do?

00:31:07.000 Do you guys eat people?

00:31:07.000 He's like, give me a handkerchief and you'll see.

00:31:09.000 And that's all you have to give the guy?

00:31:11.000 A handkerchief?

00:31:11.000 We all would have done it.

00:31:12.000 We all would have given a handkerchief.

00:31:13.000 Not knowing what it's gonna be.

00:31:14.000 What does this mean?

00:31:15.000 What do you mean?

00:31:16.000 First of all, I'd be terrified to not give him the handkerchief.

00:31:18.000 Yeah.

00:31:19.000 Because he's already killing and eating people.

00:31:20.000 You don't know what you're getting.

00:31:21.000 Like the guy who got killed and eaten in Papua New Guinea.

00:31:24.000 I bet he had no idea he offended them.

00:31:26.000 He thought he was bargaining.

00:31:26.000 No.

00:31:27.000 Yeah.

00:31:27.000 You know, like if you don't know their culture and you're deeply offending them by wanting some sacred item that they have.

00:31:33.000 Like whoopsies.

00:31:34.000 Pissing on the tree in Somar.

00:31:36.000 Yeah.

00:31:37.000 In Midsommar.

00:31:37.000 In where?

00:31:38.000 He pissed on the tree.

00:31:39.000 He's like, well, I just wanted to piss.

00:31:39.000 He's like, what are you doing?

00:31:41.000 I don't know what that is.

00:31:42.000 What is that reference to?

00:31:43.000 Oh, it's a hell of a movie.

00:31:45.000 Ari Aster?

00:31:45.000 Midsommar?

00:31:48.000 Do you know it, Jamie?

00:31:49.000 I've never said it.

00:31:51.000 It's a horror film.

00:31:52.000 Good rec.

00:31:53.000 Yeah.

00:31:54.000 Oh, I've never seen this.

00:31:55.000 Oh, it's a good one.

00:31:56.000 Oh, you would hate it.

00:31:57.000 Would I hate it?

00:31:58.000 You'd like it.

00:31:58.000 No, you wouldn't.

00:32:00.000 You would think it was fucked up.

00:32:01.000 It's an indie movie.

00:32:02.000 It's pretty great.

00:32:03.000 But it's cool.

00:32:04.000 It's an A24.

00:32:05.000 Anyway, the reference.

00:32:06.000 Forget it.

00:32:06.000 How many fucking AI movies are going to be made over the next year?

00:32:09.000 Oh, they're coming.

00:32:09.000 All of them.

00:32:10.000 Let's get rid of the actors.

00:32:11.000 They're coming.

00:32:11.000 I'm all for it.

00:32:12.000 Well, we don't have to hear from them.

00:32:13.000 Yeah, we don't have to hear from them.

00:32:14.000 All the mediocre actors, all the, like, CBS, like, cop show actors who always played, like, the deputy.

00:32:22.000 We've got the papers, but we don't know if he did it yet.

00:32:25.000 You know, that guy's gone.

00:32:26.000 That guy's gone.

00:32:27.000 All the NPCs are gone.

00:32:29.000 They're looking real good.

00:32:30.000 They can make a Protect Our Parks AI three hours long.

00:32:33.000 Do it.

00:32:34.000 It's so easy to replicate.

00:32:35.000 We replicate it.

00:32:36.000 We're easy.

00:32:37.000 Every single episode.

00:32:38.000 Play Freebird.

00:32:39.000 Let's get these guys nodded their best.

00:32:40.000 Play Freebird 40 minutes in.

00:32:42.000 Yeah, we'll do some Hitler stuff.

00:32:44.000 Get a couple drinks in this.

00:32:44.000 Get a pun in there.

00:32:46.000 Get some Hitler speeches going.

00:32:47.000 Hey, are we going to play Coming Out of the Closet?

00:32:49.000 Oh, no, we probably will play.

00:32:51.000 Hey, is that Kanye?

00:32:53.000 Kanye won the Hallelujah one.

00:32:54.000 Is that real?

00:32:55.000 I was going to say it changed it.

00:32:56.000 Is that legit?

00:32:56.000 He actually changed it?

00:32:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:32:58.000 Yeah, he made a Hallelujah one.

00:33:00.000 Another version.

00:33:01.000 Of the same song.

00:33:02.000 Yeah, but it's not.

00:33:04.000 It's like all my brothers Christians, Hallelujah.

00:33:06.000 They still have the N-word in it?

00:33:08.000 Nay, I do not believe so.

00:33:10.000 Does it, Jamie?

00:33:10.000 I don't know.

00:33:12.000 I think it's Brothers.

00:33:13.000 He says Brothers.

00:33:14.000 Oh, okay.

00:33:14.000 That song was the craziest song anybody's ever put out.

00:33:17.000 Boy, that was the craziest song I've ever heard.

00:33:18.000 Have we talked about that on this?

00:33:19.000 Catchy.

00:33:19.000 No?

00:33:19.000 No.

00:33:20.000 Which song?

00:33:20.000 Brothers?

00:33:21.000 Catchy and fucking insane.

00:33:22.000 It's a little catchy.

00:33:23.000 He said the three things you could never say all together.

00:33:26.000 Yeah.

00:33:27.000 Well, it was tough how tricky it was.

00:33:30.000 Or how catchy it was.

00:33:31.000 I know.

00:33:31.000 I'd listen to it, and then I'd be like, that was crazy.

00:33:33.000 And then the rest of my day, I'd be walking around like, hmm.

00:33:36.000 Exactly.

00:33:37.000 I was humming it.

00:33:38.000 It shows you how important Twitter is.

00:33:40.000 They kept it up.

00:33:41.000 I know.

00:33:42.000 It's up there.

00:33:43.000 It was number two in Israel.

00:33:45.000 What?

00:33:46.000 Yeah, it hit the chart.

00:33:47.000 No.

00:33:47.000 Pull it up.

00:33:48.000 Give it a goob.

00:33:49.000 Oh, it's still got the N-word in.

00:33:51.000 All right.

00:33:51.000 Good.

00:33:52.000 Oh, it is.

00:33:52.000 So you just changed that part?

00:33:54.000 Yeah, it's like that.

00:33:54.000 It's how the melody goes.

00:33:55.000 You've got to leave it.

00:33:56.000 Oh, okay.

00:33:56.000 I only heard one part where he's saying all my brother's Christians.

00:34:01.000 Google it is number two in Israel.

00:34:02.000 I swear I heard that on Spotify.

00:34:04.000 Wait, they changed the Heil Hitler song to the Hallelujah song?

00:34:07.000 Yeah.

00:34:07.000 It's wholesome.

00:34:08.000 That's nice now.

00:34:08.000 That's like when they changed the Let's Get Retarded to Let's Get It Started.

00:34:11.000 Yeah.

00:34:12.000 So they could do an NBA commercial.

00:34:14.000 It's not as good anymore.

00:34:16.000 Everybody forgets Let's Get Retarded in here with the song.

00:34:19.000 That's a clear shift of when things change.

00:34:21.000 You know the first one?

00:34:24.000 Is Tutti Frutti.

00:34:26.000 What?

00:34:27.000 Tutti Frutti, the original, was Tutti Frutti Good Booty.

00:34:30.000 It wasn't a Rudy.

00:34:32.000 Little Richard was singing about booties.

00:34:35.000 Tootie Fruity.

00:34:36.000 Tootie Fruity, good booty.

00:34:37.000 It's all about sex.

00:34:39.000 If you listen to the song, the original version of the song, you could see the lyrics online.

00:34:44.000 You could find them.

00:34:45.000 That was the original song.

00:34:54.000 Isn't that wild?

00:34:55.000 Good for him.

00:34:57.000 This episode is brought to you by UFC on ESPN+.

00:35:00.000 Alright, guys, mark your calendars because UFC 316 is going down Saturday, June 7th, live from Newark, New Jersey, and this card is stacked.

00:35:10.000 In the main event, Marab Dwavishwili, a.k.a.

00:35:13.000 The Machine, the bantamweight champion of the world, making his second title defense, and he's taking on none other than Sugar Sean O'Malley.

00:35:21.000 You heard that right.

00:35:21.000 It's a rematch from their wild clash at Noche UFC, then in the co-main.

00:35:26.000 It's Kayla Harrison finally getting her shot at UFC gold.

00:35:30.000 She's facing Juliana Pena, who is defending her title in her second reign.

00:35:35.000 And listen, there is some serious heat between these two because whoever comes out on top might just end up facing Hall of Famer Amanda Nunes.

00:35:43.000 Don't miss this one.

00:35:44.000 Purchase UFC 316 at ESPNPlus.com slash Rogan Saturday, June 7th at 10 p.m. Eastern.

00:35:53.000 See if you can find the lyrics.

00:35:55.000 He used to come to the store, Little Richard.

00:35:57.000 Stay beyond us.

00:35:57.000 Staying next door.

00:35:59.000 He used to live there, right?

00:36:00.000 Yeah, it was the Hyatt back then.

00:36:02.000 Holy shit.

00:36:04.000 Sometimes guys get to a certain point where they just want a maid to fucking clean their room.

00:36:08.000 Who cares?

00:36:09.000 An apartment, anywhere else.

00:36:10.000 Same thing.

00:36:11.000 Didn't Val Kilmer live in a hotel, too?

00:36:13.000 Probably.

00:36:14.000 It's a wild thing.

00:36:16.000 They did so much money.

00:36:18.000 Yeah, I know, right?

00:36:19.000 That Chateau Marmont.

00:36:21.000 A lot of people live there.

00:36:22.000 Yeah, when you're cracked out.

00:36:23.000 It's a good place to go to be fully cracked out.

00:36:23.000 Yeah.

00:36:25.000 It's the beginning of the end over there.

00:36:27.000 You go there with a fucking plan.

00:36:30.000 A velvet jacket and a plan.

00:36:32.000 We're gonna fucking die here.

00:36:34.000 We're gonna fucking die here.

00:36:35.000 Yeah.

00:36:36.000 It's the right level of coke where I think I have powers.

00:36:38.000 You got a cigarette holder with them long stems.

00:36:41.000 That must be so nice.

00:36:42.000 I know.

00:36:43.000 To be that high on cocaine that you're like, I am the man.

00:36:46.000 I am the man.

00:36:47.000 I'm gonna fucking die in this place.

00:36:49.000 I wouldn't want the maid coming in, though.

00:36:51.000 Living in a hotel, you got secret shit in there.

00:36:53.000 Yeah, but that's the thrill of it.

00:36:55.000 That's the thrill of it.

00:36:55.000 It's like spies.

00:36:57.000 Like spy versus spy.

00:36:58.000 Yeah, and you're so high.

00:36:59.000 Housekeeping.

00:37:00.000 Housekeeping.

00:37:01.000 You're absolutely convinced the maid is CIA.

00:37:04.000 Oh, 100%.

00:37:04.000 That's the maid.

00:37:05.000 It's like, you're coming in, you're coming all the way in.

00:37:08.000 There's no peeking your head in.

00:37:09.000 There's something hot about the maid in the room, isn't it?

00:37:11.000 It's because of your porn search.

00:37:12.000 Don't force it.

00:37:13.000 You can grease it and make it easy.

00:37:15.000 Whoa!

00:37:16.000 They're replaced with Tutti Frutti or Rudy.

00:37:19.000 Tootie Fruity already.

00:37:20.000 Tootie Fruity, good booty.

00:37:21.000 If it don't fit, don't force it.

00:37:23.000 You can grease it, make it easy.

00:37:25.000 What is the rest?

00:37:26.000 This is the original WAP.

00:37:26.000 This is WAP.

00:37:28.000 Tootie Fruity, good booty.

00:37:30.000 If it's tight, it's alright.

00:37:32.000 If it's greasy, it makes it easy.

00:37:34.000 I think it said he was playing this song live, and then when Wait, he was gay?

00:37:34.000 Wow!

00:37:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:37:42.000 What?

00:37:43.000 Get out of here.

00:37:44.000 Verses contain descriptions of anal sex.

00:37:46.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:37:48.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:37:51.000 What does it say about Go back to the bottom.

00:37:51.000 Gross.

00:37:56.000 Blackwell contacted local songwriter Dorothy Oswald.

00:37:56.000 Stop right there.

00:38:02.000 Boss Street to revise the lyrics.

00:38:04.000 Oh, there we go.

00:38:05.000 With Little Richard still playing in his characteristic style.

00:38:08.000 After a lively performance, Blackwell knew the song was going to be a hit, but recognized that the lyrics, with their minstrel modes and sexual humor, needed to be revised for lyrical purity.

00:38:19.000 Lyrical purity.

00:38:22.000 Yeah.

00:38:23.000 You could make that hit.

00:38:25.000 Yeah.

00:38:26.000 Yeah, Lil Nas actually put that out.

00:38:28.000 Oh, yeah.

00:38:30.000 It was 1955.

00:38:31.000 He was talking about greasing up guys' dicks and asses.

00:38:33.000 Fetty Wap could do it.

00:38:35.000 Free Fetty Wap.

00:38:36.000 Free Fetty.

00:38:38.000 What did he do?

00:38:39.000 Nothing!

00:38:42.000 What was he accused of?

00:38:44.000 Juicy J. I think it was selling drugs.

00:38:46.000 Juicy J could pull that song off of the list.

00:38:49.000 Yeah.

00:38:50.000 He never came off his game.

00:38:52.000 There's dudes out there that could pull that off.

00:38:53.000 Can't get a mouth pregnant.

00:38:57.000 Is that right?

00:38:58.000 Yeah.

00:39:00.000 That's fun.

00:39:02.000 They used to have to hide.

00:39:04.000 Gay guys used to have to hide.

00:39:05.000 Isn't that crazy?

00:39:06.000 Just like a metaphor.

00:39:07.000 Just have to hide.

00:39:08.000 The psycho, Anthony Perkis.

00:39:12.000 Oh, he was gay too?

00:39:13.000 Big homo.

00:39:16.000 Big.

00:39:17.000 You know where they still have to hide though?

00:39:19.000 Leading man roles.

00:39:21.000 Yeah, Tom Cruise.

00:39:23.000 I don't know if that's true.

00:39:24.000 Well, he's got to fly off a mountain.

00:39:27.000 He's grandfather, anyway.

00:39:30.000 He's got to do those stunts to get his mind on it.

00:39:33.000 Well, you know what I'm saying?

00:39:33.000 Like, if you know a guy's married and he has a husband, you don't want to see him in a leading role making out with a lady.

00:39:40.000 You're like, ah, he's all there thinking about dicks.

00:39:42.000 That's a good point.

00:39:43.000 but it's acting.

00:39:44.000 But it's the one thing where we don't Right?

00:39:49.000 Like, lesbians, it doesn't matter.

00:39:51.000 Like, if you know a lady who's a lesbian, like Jodie Foster, she's allowed to play a wife of somebody.

00:39:55.000 Nobody cares.

00:39:56.000 Nobody blinks.

00:39:57.000 But if you know...

00:39:58.000 Name one instance of a guy who's a young handsome gay guy who gets to play Big movie like who would use like?

00:40:14.000 Who are the gay movies?

00:40:18.000 He's like one of those actors like Daniel Day-Lewis.

00:40:20.000 Too good.

00:40:21.000 Where you're like, he's such a fucking artist that you'd be like, see something.

00:40:25.000 No one's pulled that off.

00:40:27.000 Tom Hardy's bi.

00:40:29.000 Tom Hardy's had some butt sex.

00:40:30.000 Is that true?

00:40:31.000 Yeah, pull it up.

00:40:33.000 Is that confirmed?

00:40:33.000 He played a Mohican.

00:40:35.000 That's for sure.

00:40:36.000 I'm Hardy.

00:40:37.000 So weird statements are fun.

00:40:39.000 He's explicitly stated that while he's not explicitly stated he's gay or bisexual, he's acknowledged exploring his sexuality.

00:40:46.000 All right, well, we do that.

00:40:47.000 He just wears masks.

00:40:48.000 He just wears masks.

00:40:50.000 He's exploring.

00:40:51.000 Hardy's a good one.

00:40:52.000 He wears goggles.

00:40:54.000 He's great on Mobland, bro.

00:40:55.000 Mobland is so good.

00:40:58.000 He's great in everything.

00:40:59.000 Have you seen it, Ari?

00:40:59.000 Uh-uh.

00:41:00.000 Paramount Plus, Mobland, five stars.

00:41:00.000 Oh, my God.

00:41:03.000 I give it all the stars.

00:41:04.000 Guy Ritchie show.

00:41:05.000 Oh, he's great.

00:41:06.000 Crazy English mob show.

00:41:08.000 You're like, Jesus Christ.

00:41:10.000 Every show gives me anxiety.

00:41:11.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

00:41:11.000 Every episode.

00:41:12.000 They need a rating system back on TV.

00:41:14.000 Because I am too deep into these shows where it's like, oh, this is made for children.

00:41:20.000 Paramount Plus has stuff on regular TV and stuff like that, and they just blend it all in together, and you don't know what you're getting into.

00:41:26.000 Are you watching fucking Bluey?

00:41:27.000 Yeah, you go watch a Cocoa Bellon.

00:41:29.000 And you're like, Blue's Clues.

00:41:33.000 This is for fucking kids.

00:41:34.000 Ari's high watching Miss Rachel.

00:41:35.000 Yeah, what is...

00:41:40.000 Like, violence, nudity, all that stuff at the beginning of the show?

00:41:43.000 So you need that, otherwise you're like, I can't have it?

00:41:46.000 I'm just saying they're half deer, all the kids are half animals and half deer.

00:41:50.000 Half animals and half animals.

00:41:50.000 What?

00:41:52.000 Yeah, I know what that is.

00:41:53.000 I saw the first, yeah, yeah.

00:41:54.000 You see a season in, you're like, oh.

00:41:59.000 Sweet Tooth.

00:41:59.000 I've never heard of it.

00:42:01.000 It's a little post-apocalyptic.

00:42:01.000 What is it about?

00:42:03.000 Sweet Tooth.

00:42:05.000 Yeah, where like women's animals started merging.

00:42:07.000 What?

00:42:08.000 Yeah, it's a cool idea.

00:42:09.000 But it's a kid show?

00:42:10.000 They don't tell you in the teaser.

00:42:11.000 It's not really a kid show.

00:42:13.000 What the fuck?

00:42:14.000 It's like not made for adults.

00:42:15.000 What are you missing?

00:42:18.000 More violence?

00:42:19.000 More real violence.

00:42:20.000 It's just too sweet.

00:42:21.000 It's made for, like, 15-year-olds.

00:42:24.000 That's cute.

00:42:25.000 Kids with antlers.

00:42:26.000 It's kind of weird.

00:42:27.000 Fun.

00:42:28.000 They got to sleep in the back.

00:42:29.000 Is this a new...

00:42:33.000 It's bullshit.

00:42:34.000 You think it's cute?

00:42:35.000 Give a kid a fucking headgear that he can't move around his house in?

00:42:39.000 What if he tries to get through the trees and he gets stuck?

00:42:41.000 He's gonna cry.

00:42:43.000 Human kids with antlers?

00:42:43.000 Yeah.

00:42:45.000 It's a terrible idea.

00:42:45.000 Terrible idea.

00:42:46.000 Don't do it.

00:42:48.000 And then your fucking neck hurts because you're carrying around all that extra weight, and then it falls off, and then it pops back up again.

00:42:54.000 And that means you only breed once a year if you have antlers.

00:42:57.000 Joe's taking it.

00:42:58.000 You got one month out of the year when you get horny.

00:43:01.000 Watch out for you, dude.

00:43:02.000 Not only that, you're going to stab your friends to death with those antlers.

00:43:05.000 You're going to shoot him with a crossbow.

00:43:05.000 You're going to be out in the woods.

00:43:08.000 I hunt those kids.

00:43:09.000 This show's recommended for you just 10 and up.

00:43:11.000 You're over 10. There you go.

00:43:13.000 You're over 10. Fair.

00:43:14.000 I'll give her another go.

00:43:14.000 Fair.

00:43:16.000 I'll give her another go.

00:43:17.000 Yeah, the antlers, sometimes they get stuck in a tree.

00:43:20.000 100%.

00:43:20.000 Yeah, animals die that way sometimes.

00:43:23.000 Damn!

00:43:24.000 You ever see those guys, like moose, like when they shake their fucking antlers off?

00:43:27.000 What's that called?

00:43:28.000 Oh yeah, shedding.

00:43:31.000 Giant paddles.

00:43:32.000 It's hilarious.

00:43:33.000 Yeah, giant paddles.

00:43:34.000 It like surprises them.

00:43:35.000 And then they're free because of all that weight.

00:43:37.000 You know how much those things weigh?

00:43:38.000 Those are bone.

00:43:39.000 But it's basically a weapon, right?

00:43:41.000 These two deer are locked.

00:43:44.000 This guy's gonna shoot the antlers off.

00:43:47.000 He's gonna separate them.

00:43:49.000 So he's gotta do that with a shotgun.

00:43:50.000 He's just gotta get a good shot.

00:43:52.000 Only he's going to shoot the antlers and not them?

00:43:54.000 Yeah, not them.

00:43:55.000 Oh.

00:43:55.000 He's an expert.

00:43:56.000 He's a really good shot.

00:43:58.000 And he's real close, so all he has to do is clip one of the antlers and it'll blow them all apart.

00:44:03.000 Boom!

00:44:04.000 Boom!

00:44:04.000 He got it.

00:44:05.000 So he shot the antler.

00:44:07.000 Boom!

00:44:08.000 They broke free.

00:44:08.000 What a guy!

00:44:10.000 Because they get eaten by coyotes that way, and the coyote eats your friend while you're stuck to him.

00:44:15.000 They found this one deer, a buddy of mine found one deer that was connected still to this dead deer.

00:44:22.000 The coyotes had eaten his friend.

00:44:24.000 They ate his guts out.

00:44:26.000 Everything was gone.

00:44:27.000 They just ate as much as they wanted.

00:44:28.000 In the morning, he's still stuck.

00:44:30.000 Whoa!

00:44:31.000 Yeah, and he lived.

00:44:32.000 Imagine how horrifying that would be.

00:44:33.000 You're handcuffed to your buddy, and your buddy gets eaten by zombies, but they're full.

00:44:37.000 You gotta chill with him for a minute.

00:44:39.000 But you're still handcuffed to him?

00:44:40.000 It's like when those guys fuck the Siamese twin, and they're like, well, it's only one asshole.

00:44:45.000 Here's another one of those.

00:44:45.000 Look at this.

00:44:46.000 So this happens more than, you know.

00:44:50.000 There's coyotes stalking them here.

00:44:51.000 So there's coyotes that are moving in on him that have already killed his buddy, and he's still attached to him.

00:44:56.000 And look, it's just gory and horrible.

00:45:01.000 That's brutal.

00:45:02.000 It's crazy.

00:45:03.000 And he was stuck with them the whole time.

00:45:04.000 Look how much they ate out of them.

00:45:05.000 Oh, fuck.

00:45:06.000 That's so dangerous.

00:45:08.000 By the way, coyotes are just little wolves.

00:45:11.000 That's all they are.

00:45:12.000 They're little wolves that are everywhere in every state.

00:45:14.000 Everywhere.

00:45:14.000 They're everywhere.

00:45:15.000 They're at my parents' house now in Pennsylvania.

00:45:18.000 Yeah, they spread across the whole country.

00:45:19.000 You hear him at night, it's fucking...

00:45:22.000 They start screaming.

00:45:23.000 You know, they go, somebody's fucking pet.

00:45:24.000 They triangulate, right?

00:45:25.000 Yeah.

00:45:26.000 They eat mostly pets.

00:45:27.000 My cat was out there, and I was watching TV one night, and I heard them all screaming.

00:45:35.000 And then I walked outside, and my cat was laying on the ground, and there were just three coyotes circling him.

00:45:41.000 And I don't run out there.

00:45:42.000 I was so scared.

00:45:44.000 I was like, hey, get the fuck out of here!

00:45:46.000 They don't listen.

00:45:47.000 But I picked my cat up, and he was purring.

00:45:49.000 It was very weird.

00:45:50.000 It was really sweet.

00:45:52.000 I love that cat.

00:45:53.000 He's dead now.

00:45:55.000 That's the problem with cats.

00:45:57.000 He got fucking mauled by something.

00:45:59.000 He was an outdoor cat.

00:46:01.000 Outdoor cats are little murderers, though.

00:46:02.000 He had it coming.

00:46:04.000 That's the ones that kill birds and present it to you.

00:46:06.000 Yes.

00:46:07.000 Brought rabbits into the house alive.

00:46:09.000 He was a fucking demon.

00:46:11.000 Can you imagine how fun it must be to be a cat?

00:46:13.000 You have all your food, so you're covered already.

00:46:16.000 This is funsies.

00:46:18.000 You're not eating for survival.

00:46:20.000 I like letting them out.

00:46:21.000 I feed off the screens.

00:46:22.000 I didn't want them to be a house cat.

00:46:23.000 Yeah, if a cat's got a yard, it's kind of brutal to not let him out, but it's brutal to let him out for everything else.

00:46:29.000 I love those missing cat pictures on the...

00:46:33.000 Yeah, in LA.

00:46:34.000 Guess what?

00:46:35.000 Buddy.

00:46:35.000 They're gone.

00:46:36.000 You ain't getting that guy.

00:46:37.000 Four coyotes, though, it wasn't...

00:46:39.000 Unreasonable.

00:46:40.000 But now it's like...

00:46:45.000 Every now and then, like a month later, that thing will come back.

00:46:48.000 Yeah.

00:46:49.000 Like a stepdad.

00:46:53.000 See?

00:46:53.000 Fucking mauled.

00:46:55.000 Really?

00:46:56.000 Like one of them had its eyeball hanging out and crawled back to the house.

00:47:01.000 It's like John Wick.

00:47:02.000 Come back torn up.

00:47:03.000 They go out and fight to the death.

00:47:05.000 Cats fight.

00:47:06.000 It's horrible watching cats fight.

00:47:07.000 Oh yeah.

00:47:08.000 Especially the outside ones where they really get after it because they're used to killing things.

00:47:13.000 Regular indoor cat, their whole life, they just like walk around with a boner.

00:47:17.000 Never get to fuck.

00:47:18.000 You know, that's what it's like.

00:47:19.000 You're a little murderer.

00:47:20.000 And you're a little murderer that's contained in a house.

00:47:22.000 And you're showing me your asshole.

00:47:22.000 That's true.

00:47:24.000 If you let that little murderer out, it could be 11 years old.

00:47:26.000 11 years of the perfect life.

00:47:29.000 Lock on a bird.

00:47:31.000 Who do you think wins?

00:47:33.000 City Cats or...

00:47:36.000 Rural cats.

00:47:36.000 Rural, right?

00:47:37.000 100%.

00:47:38.000 Just like humans.

00:47:39.000 Just like humans.

00:47:41.000 Appalachia wins over New York City.

00:47:44.000 If Dallas had to, like, fight the ranchers.

00:47:48.000 The ranchers would surround Dallas.

00:47:50.000 They're like my Stetson hat.

00:47:52.000 Fucking bloodbath.

00:47:53.000 It'd be a bloodbath.

00:47:54.000 Tim Walls versus Rogan.

00:47:56.000 It's not.

00:47:57.000 Yeah.

00:47:58.000 The world's got it all day long.

00:48:00.000 It's funny.

00:48:01.000 I had pride in that.

00:48:02.000 In Queens, when I was walking around, I'd see an outdoor cat and I'd just be like, Tibble would fuck you up.

00:48:09.000 My guy would fuck you up.

00:48:11.000 I got a Maine Coon.

00:48:12.000 It's huge.

00:48:13.000 Big paws, big ears, but I can't let it out.

00:48:16.000 No shit.

00:48:17.000 It's staying in my apartment.

00:48:20.000 It's like a honey badger.

00:48:21.000 That's so crazy.

00:48:22.000 People say a lynx is loose.

00:48:24.000 That thing's jumping up the stairs.

00:48:27.000 When I was in high school, we lived across the street from this park area, and I had this black cat.

00:48:33.000 This cat was evil.

00:48:34.000 He killed everything.

00:48:36.000 And one day, he killed a squirrel, and he was dragging it across the street.

00:48:40.000 The squirrel's as big as him.

00:48:41.000 He's got his mouth on the squirrel's neck, and the squirrel's body's between his legs, and he's walking like this, dragging it because he wants to show me that he killed the squirrel.

00:48:51.000 I was like, yo.

00:48:52.000 I was watching him do it from the window in the kitchen.

00:48:54.000 I was like, what the fuck?

00:48:56.000 I've told this story on here before, and stop me if I have.

00:48:56.000 I have to.

00:48:58.000 I watched, Tibble killed a rabbit in the yard, and I heard it screaming.

00:49:03.000 So I like went out to be like, I pulled him off the rabbit.

00:49:06.000 And when I lifted it, it was funny.

00:49:09.000 He was all muscle.

00:49:10.000 I was holding him under his chest and he was just, he, he, he.

00:49:14.000 Then I put him back in the house, and as soon as I put him down, he fucking scratched me and walked away.

00:49:19.000 He was mad at you.

00:49:20.000 He was crazy.

00:49:21.000 He was mad at you.

00:49:22.000 He ruined his fun piece of shit.

00:49:24.000 This is what I live for.

00:49:25.000 For real.

00:49:26.000 I got called gay by my cat.

00:49:30.000 Did I tell you when my dog got honeydicked by a coyote and tricked into breaking into the chicken coop?

00:49:36.000 Wait, honey-dicked what, huh?

00:49:37.000 Yeah, this coyote became his friend.

00:49:40.000 He was this big mastiff.

00:49:41.000 And the coyotes knew they couldn't eat him because he was huge.

00:49:44.000 So they became friends with him.

00:49:45.000 So he thought they were dogs.

00:49:47.000 And so the coyote hopped the fence.

00:49:49.000 He's like, hey, you know, there's a chicken in there.

00:49:50.000 We can get in there.

00:49:51.000 And he's like, I can get in there.

00:49:52.000 So he fucking tears open the chicken coop because he could at any time he wanted to.

00:49:57.000 The coyote grabs it and the coyote hopped over the fence.

00:50:00.000 I watched the coyote hop over a six-foot wrought iron fence like it was nothing.

00:50:04.000 That's awesome.

00:50:05.000 Leaped up in the air, touched the top of the fence with his feet, and then put his back feet on and hopped over with a chicken in his mouth.

00:50:11.000 It's like a Mexican.

00:50:13.000 You saw it taking the chicken?

00:50:15.000 No, I just saw the chicken.

00:50:16.000 I was playing a board game with my family in the living room, and one of my kids yelled out, one of my kids yelled out, it's a coyote!

00:50:25.000 And then you see this fucking coyote run across the backyard with a chicken in his mouth.

00:50:31.000 Just get to that fucking fence and leap!

00:50:34.000 It flew.

00:50:36.000 Gravity wasn't real.

00:50:37.000 Were you impressed or were you mad?

00:50:38.000 Super impressed.

00:50:39.000 Well, you can't be mad.

00:50:42.000 I was mad.

00:50:42.000 I wanted to kill it.

00:50:43.000 But that's what they do, and that was impressive.

00:50:47.000 That chicken's cost is worth you saying that.

00:50:50.000 Oh, 100%.

00:50:50.000 Yeah, 100%.

00:50:51.000 But then Johnny realized that there's this whole...

00:50:58.000 And when a chicken's brooding, you have to separate them from the other chickens because they won't lay eggs and they pick all their feathers out.

00:51:02.000 They think they're going to make a baby with this unfertilized egg, so they just want to sit on top of the egg.

00:51:07.000 They don't want to go around.

00:51:08.000 It's a weird psychological thing.

00:51:10.000 The way to break them of it, you take them and you put them in a little tiny, So then they can't nest, right?

00:51:18.000 And then they do it for a few days and like, I'm over it.

00:51:20.000 And then they go back to being a regular chicken.

00:51:22.000 They're not the smartest things in the world.

00:51:23.000 So this one was in this little tiny one.

00:51:26.000 But then Johnny Cash realized, I could just go through this wall.

00:51:30.000 Because he was a 140-pound Mastiff.

00:51:33.000 He was huge.

00:51:34.000 So he just tore the chicken wire open himself and killed nine chickens before I got to him.

00:51:41.000 Holy shit.

00:51:42.000 Yeah, that was a couple days later.

00:51:43.000 But the coyotes had talked to him and convinced him, like, chicken eating is fun.

00:51:49.000 You're not eating these chickens?

00:51:50.000 Look how big you are.

00:51:51.000 You can eat the chickens.

00:51:52.000 Good point.

00:51:53.000 It tricked him into doing it, man.

00:51:55.000 He had never done that before.

00:51:57.000 And then he's hanging out with his coyote, and the coyote's like his homie.

00:52:01.000 Damn.

00:52:02.000 Honeydict him?

00:52:03.000 What's that term?

00:52:03.000 Honeydict him.

00:52:04.000 They probably sent a female coyote and just like...

00:52:10.000 Smells like pussy, doesn't it?

00:52:12.000 The Mormons are on Salt Lake.

00:52:12.000 They sent all the cute ones to try to convert you, try to get you in.

00:52:15.000 I heard it works.

00:52:16.000 That would work on me in a second.

00:52:17.000 Except if you're 21. No, but the problem is it's a Utah hot.

00:52:22.000 So it's like a five.

00:52:25.000 Utah's pretty hot.

00:52:26.000 The ones out.

00:52:27.000 The ones still in are chubby and fucking not tattooed.

00:52:30.000 You see, Japan...

00:52:32.000 I already said they haven't been tattooed before I like them.

00:52:35.000 That's hilarious.

00:52:36.000 Anyone in Utah that's out of the Mormons that are just like, fuck, sleeves, heroin.

00:52:40.000 Once they get out.

00:52:41.000 Once they get out, they go far out.

00:52:43.000 They go hard.

00:52:43.000 Fake tits, they go in.

00:52:45.000 Well, seeing as they feel like they have to make up for lost time.

00:52:47.000 Right.

00:52:48.000 They've been wearing magic underwear since you're 24. They can't even drink coffee.

00:52:52.000 That's so crazy.

00:52:53.000 But you can drink energy drinks?

00:52:54.000 Did you know that?

00:52:54.000 Really?

00:52:55.000 No.

00:52:55.000 My friend was a Mormon.

00:52:56.000 He was downing these fucking giant monsters.

00:52:58.000 I was like, bro, that is way more caffeine than a cup of coffee.

00:53:02.000 He's like, yeah, but it says coffee.

00:53:04.000 It doesn't say energy drinks.

00:53:05.000 Like, yeah, but a guy wrote it.

00:53:06.000 We know the guy.

00:53:08.000 It's tough telling a Mormon.

00:53:10.000 They believe a guy wrote it.

00:53:12.000 What are you talking about?

00:53:13.000 A 14-year-old wrote that down.

00:53:14.000 Just some dude.

00:53:15.000 He had a gold tablet, and he was the only one that could read it.

00:53:17.000 He would deprive energy drinks of you, too.

00:53:19.000 That's true.

00:53:20.000 He would now.

00:53:21.000 He just didn't know about it.

00:53:22.000 No loopholes.

00:53:23.000 No porn, no caffeine, no booze.

00:53:25.000 Magic underwear.

00:53:26.000 And they got a soak.

00:53:27.000 They can't thrust.

00:53:28.000 That's fine.

00:53:29.000 I don't mind a little soaking.

00:53:30.000 Soak is actually pretty good.

00:53:32.000 I couldn't do it.

00:53:33.000 It's even a girl gets off on a soak.

00:53:35.000 Just leave it in, no movement.

00:53:36.000 She's like, that's what I like.

00:53:37.000 I'm like, whoa.

00:53:38.000 Where the fuck do you find her?

00:53:41.000 New York.

00:53:42.000 You gotta get an Amish lady.

00:53:44.000 New York, your address.

00:53:46.000 She's asleep.

00:53:48.000 Come on now, right now.

00:53:49.000 Do you wanna see your pictures?

00:53:50.000 Take it off-comers?

00:53:51.000 Yeah, no, when I found out about soaking, I was like, oh, that's...

00:53:56.000 It's so crazy that they allow them to do that.

00:53:58.000 Also, you know you're going to blow if you're soaking.

00:54:01.000 I blow just being next to a girl.

00:54:03.000 Of course.

00:54:03.000 It's a hot meat glove.

00:54:05.000 In there.

00:54:06.000 It's designed for that.

00:54:07.000 It's designed to trick you into making people.

00:54:09.000 Yeah.

00:54:10.000 It's designed to trick you into it.

00:54:12.000 You see, Japan's birth rate is so low, they're flying people in.

00:54:15.000 You get a birth rate.

00:54:17.000 Yeah, it is crazy.

00:54:17.000 Pull it up.

00:54:19.000 They make it real economical.

00:54:20.000 Real safe to live there, too.

00:54:22.000 A lot of appeal.

00:54:23.000 But you gotta learn Japanese.

00:54:24.000 I think they would learn of their submission.

00:54:26.000 Easy language to learn.

00:54:28.000 Is it?

00:54:28.000 No.

00:54:29.000 It's all symbols and outside of bushes and stuff.

00:54:31.000 It's so nuts that people develop these fucking languages that are just so different than anywhere else.

00:54:36.000 When you look at Russian writing, you're like, what are you doing with the letters?

00:54:40.000 I was in New York yesterday, and there was a white family speaking a language.

00:54:44.000 I'm usually pretty good at picking out what the language is.

00:54:47.000 No idea.

00:54:47.000 Yeah.

00:54:48.000 You should call Ari Matty.

00:54:49.000 Might have been Icelandic or some shit.

00:54:52.000 It was something like crazy.

00:54:54.000 Viking talk.

00:54:54.000 Viking.

00:54:56.000 They looked like Vikings.

00:54:57.000 I just played Reykjavik.

00:54:59.000 That is a great town.

00:55:01.000 Isn't it?

00:55:02.000 Unreal.

00:55:03.000 It's like otherworldly.

00:55:04.000 It's glaciers, it's volcanoes, it's saunas and hot springs.

00:55:09.000 And they all speak English.

00:55:10.000 In town, for sure.

00:55:10.000 Oh yeah.

00:55:12.000 It was great.

00:55:13.000 Deep out of town, they do Viking songs.

00:55:15.000 Deep in the whatever, they don't, but like...

00:55:18.000 That's a cool drink in town.

00:55:20.000 Yeah, great town.

00:55:21.000 Artists, interesting.

00:55:22.000 The chicks are, like, smart.

00:55:23.000 Yeah.

00:55:24.000 That's where all the strong men come from, too.

00:55:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:26.000 Big dudes out there.

00:55:27.000 All those Magnus von Magnussen-type dudes.

00:55:29.000 Blonde men.

00:55:31.000 Big fucking Viking leftovers.

00:55:33.000 I was hoping I had some Viking in me.

00:55:36.000 You don't?

00:55:36.000 No, just strictly fucking Irish.

00:55:38.000 I was hoping I was one of those fucking Irish people who got raped by Vikings.

00:55:42.000 Yeah!

00:55:43.000 I'm probably a fucking Viking.

00:55:45.000 No, just a fucking mud person.

00:55:48.000 How far back can they tell?

00:55:50.000 Like, what happened to you?

00:55:51.000 Yeah, what percentage?

00:55:52.000 They're always updating it, too.

00:55:54.000 Like, 23andMe.

00:55:55.000 Thank God they didn't get bought by the Chinese.

00:55:58.000 Some other company bought 23andMe.

00:55:59.000 Now our date is safe again, boys.

00:56:01.000 I don't know what they're going to do with my sins.

00:56:03.000 I know.

00:56:03.000 They're going to use it to make a fucking disease that only kills you.

00:56:07.000 They got your DNA now.

00:56:08.000 I got that.

00:56:09.000 I got that already.

00:56:11.000 It's gone fucking...

00:56:13.000 Yeah, me and my whole island that I came from.

00:56:18.000 I did Belfast.

00:56:20.000 You can't bring up the whole, you know.

00:56:23.000 Yeah, the Troubles, which is a cute name.

00:56:25.000 You can't bring it up.

00:56:26.000 I don't know if it's how weird.

00:56:28.000 Kneecap's back.

00:56:29.000 Let's go.

00:56:29.000 Kneecap's back.

00:56:30.000 I put the wrong flag on Instagram, and I got like 20 messages like, take that shit down, we'll kill you.

00:56:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:56:35.000 You can't put up any flag.

00:56:36.000 Don't put up flags.

00:56:37.000 If you put up a flag, you're going to get messages from somebody.

00:56:40.000 That's true.

00:56:41.000 Spain has like three flags.

00:56:43.000 The pride flag.

00:56:44.000 Got me in trouble, too.

00:56:46.000 It's the whole month, boys.

00:56:47.000 Oh, that's right.

00:56:48.000 Yeah, it's time.

00:56:50.000 It's a lot less talk about it.

00:56:54.000 Yeah, it's not everywhere anymore.

00:56:55.000 Every corporation.

00:56:56.000 The corporation was like, oh, we don't have to anymore?

00:56:56.000 It's funny.

00:56:57.000 Turns out we were always...

00:57:00.000 We never once actually gave a fuck.

00:57:02.000 They gave a fuck for one month.

00:57:03.000 Is it still Pride Month?

00:57:04.000 Yeah, it just started.

00:57:05.000 Did Sean say no Pride Month?

00:57:06.000 Did Sean say no Pride Month?

00:57:09.000 I hope he doesn't say no Pride Month.

00:57:10.000 Well, you can't.

00:57:11.000 But the thing is, you can't.

00:57:13.000 If we decide to protect our parks month, who the fuck is going to tell us?

00:57:17.000 It's not.

00:57:17.000 It's not an official thing.

00:57:19.000 Who are the officials at this point in time?

00:57:21.000 That's a good point.

00:57:22.000 The gay overlords.

00:57:23.000 Trump administration says June is Title IX month.

00:57:23.000 Prime month no more.

00:57:26.000 What is that?

00:57:27.000 That is the thing that allows women to compete with only women in sports.

00:57:31.000 Isn't Title IX where they have to get women's sports money?

00:57:35.000 Yeah, equal representation for women's sports.

00:57:38.000 And now Title IX is anti-trans?

00:57:41.000 It was pro-women.

00:57:42.000 It's pro-women and then there's trans women who think they're women and they want to compete with women and Title IX should be there protecting.

00:57:50.000 Some dude with a problem with his mom.

00:57:52.000 Yeah, some guy who hates women.

00:57:55.000 Some dude with a problem with his mom.

00:57:57.000 Some guy who had a rough time.

00:57:59.000 If you just were allowed to beat up women, if you made a league where men are allowed to fight women, how fucking scary is it?

00:58:07.000 Every morning I wake up, I go, ooh, you're lucky that my fucking league hasn't taken off yet.

00:58:13.000 You and me, fucking heavyweight title.

00:58:16.000 Matt has a joke about it.

00:58:18.000 I think he did it in a special.

00:58:20.000 Yeah, where it's like he went to like Iran or something with his chair, and she was like, we're supposed to come here.

00:58:24.000 I was like, you let her talk to you?

00:58:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:26.000 They're just like, oh, you're about to punch.

00:58:28.000 He's like, I'm going to take my baby on a nice vacation.

00:58:30.000 Yeah, some guy in the neighborhood might smack her in the head for you.

00:58:34.000 Some guy might walk by and just smack her if she's yelling at you.

00:58:37.000 You know Iran is one of the places that has the most gender transition surgeries?

00:58:44.000 No way.

00:58:45.000 Yeah, you know why?

00:58:45.000 Why?

00:58:46.000 Because you can't be gay.

00:58:47.000 Oh, yeah.

00:58:48.000 So they just become trans.

00:58:51.000 A lot of religious loopholes.

00:58:53.000 Yeah.

00:58:53.000 Interesting.

00:58:54.000 See if that's true.

00:58:56.000 I love that moment.

00:58:57.000 You say something out loud, you're like, actually, that might not be.

00:58:59.000 I'm pretty sure we've actually looked it up before.

00:59:01.000 And so you're not gay, you're trans, so it's okay.

00:59:04.000 But they don't allow trans.

00:59:05.000 They do.

00:59:06.000 You just gotta wrap it up.

00:59:06.000 They do.

00:59:08.000 You gotta be convincing.

00:59:09.000 Wrap it up.

00:59:10.000 And drag queens.

00:59:11.000 Cover the face.

00:59:11.000 Oh, yeah.

00:59:12.000 It's so easy to be trans there.

00:59:13.000 You could be a furry.

00:59:15.000 That's what furries are all about.

00:59:16.000 You get a hatch.

00:59:17.000 You're just a hatch.

00:59:18.000 You pop the hatch.

00:59:19.000 You're fucking a squirrel.

00:59:20.000 That's what's going on.

00:59:22.000 You're just a happy chipmunk banging a squirrel.

00:59:25.000 Don't get me started on these good ideas.

00:59:26.000 Great ideas!

00:59:28.000 Everybody just looks like a cute cartoon character.

00:59:30.000 You never go eye to eye with anybody because they're soulless.

00:59:33.000 There's no eye there.

00:59:35.000 Sex reassignment surgery is not only legal in Iran, but Tehran is considered to be an international hub for obtaining it.

00:59:42.000 Guys, let's go.

00:59:43.000 The procedure's been allowed since Ayatollah Khomeini.

00:59:47.000 But the first, the mental part, was Ruhola.

00:59:50.000 I've never heard that.

00:59:51.000 Khomeini learned of the hardships of trans women and issued a religious decree to legalize it in the mid-1980s.

00:59:58.000 What?

00:59:58.000 During the Italian Ayatollah Khomeini's rule?

01:00:00.000 That's crazy.

01:00:01.000 So it's illegal to be gay.

01:00:04.000 But you can switch genders.

01:00:06.000 Because that's what's really going on.

01:00:07.000 You're not really a gay man.

01:00:09.000 That's impossible.

01:00:10.000 Every time I read these Muslim Sharia things, I go, God damn, they're the bros.

01:00:16.000 It's just bro law.

01:00:17.000 They're like, dude, come on, man.

01:00:19.000 You can't be gay, but you can be a chick.

01:00:21.000 You can be a chick.

01:00:22.000 Okay.

01:00:23.000 Are you sure?

01:00:24.000 Alright, let's go.

01:00:25.000 Surgery.

01:00:25.000 Our guys are good at it.

01:00:26.000 We've been doing it since the 80s.

01:00:27.000 What?

01:00:28.000 Wow.

01:00:28.000 The 80s?

01:00:29.000 Yeah, we use a Kirby sword.

01:00:30.000 We slice your penis.

01:00:35.000 By the way, every October 7th.

01:00:38.000 Everybody's cat's trans.

01:00:40.000 Wait, what?

01:00:41.000 You have a male cat.

01:00:43.000 You castrate them.

01:00:44.000 Everybody does.

01:00:45.000 Because you leave them in the house.

01:00:46.000 If your cat goes in the house, they'll pee all over your fucking house.

01:00:48.000 That's true.

01:00:49.000 They will mark every spot in your house.

01:00:51.000 You have to cut their balls off.

01:00:53.000 I'm just trying to get Norman to say this.

01:00:55.000 It's amazing how many cats there are out there, because every male cat gets his balls chopped off.

01:00:55.000 R. Kelly.

01:01:00.000 That's true, but the straight cats do all the fucking.

01:01:03.000 They do a lot of fucking talk.

01:01:03.000 Oh, yeah.

01:01:05.000 Pick up the slack.

01:01:06.000 They do a lot of fuck.

01:01:07.000 Wow.

01:01:08.000 I think cat dicks have barbs on them.

01:01:15.000 Do you ever see that video where the crow talks these two cats into fighting each other?

01:01:21.000 He fucks with them.

01:01:22.000 He fucks with one cat and then he flies over to the other roof and fucks with the other cat.

01:01:26.000 He gets them fully worked up, fully worked up, and then they fucking start duking it out.

01:01:31.000 And the crow flies down.

01:01:32.000 He goes down while they're screaming.

01:01:34.000 He's like a ref.

01:01:34.000 He's fucking Herb Dean.

01:01:35.000 He loved it.

01:01:36.000 He instigated it, got it to happen, and was a fucking willing participant.

01:01:43.000 We should be using crows.

01:01:45.000 They're so smart.

01:01:46.000 They're crazy smart.

01:01:47.000 Yeah.

01:01:47.000 Crazy smart.

01:01:48.000 We gotta harness that.

01:01:49.000 I mean, Edgar Allan Poe figured that out way back in the day.

01:01:49.000 Just befriending them.

01:01:54.000 Ravens and crows.

01:01:54.000 Crowbar.

01:01:55.000 They're so fucking intelligent.

01:01:57.000 Edgar Allan the bro.

01:01:57.000 He had it.

01:01:58.000 Crowing machine.

01:01:59.000 Edgar Allan the bro.

01:02:00.000 He starts fucking with this one cat.

01:02:03.000 Just get real close to him.

01:02:04.000 Just kind of pecking at him.

01:02:06.000 Fuck out.

01:02:07.000 What the fuck is wrong with you, bitch?

01:02:08.000 Oh, shit.

01:02:09.000 What the fuck is just fucking with him?

01:02:11.000 Just completely riling up, pecking at him.

01:02:13.000 And just jumping just out of the way.

01:02:13.000 Look at this.

01:02:15.000 He knows how fast he is.

01:02:16.000 He knows how fast he can.

01:02:17.000 He's like, not quick enough, bitch.

01:02:18.000 Go get that one.

01:02:19.000 Damn.

01:02:19.000 And so he gets over.

01:02:20.000 He's like, fuck it up, that's guy!

01:02:21.000 Fight, fight, fight.

01:02:22.000 Wow.

01:02:23.000 Before that, though, he went over to the other side and was fucking with that.

01:02:26.000 Look at that.

01:02:27.000 They fall off the roof.

01:02:27.000 And then he goes down and follows him.

01:02:29.000 Still go at it.

01:02:29.000 Still getting after it.

01:02:30.000 They don't stop when they fall 30 feet.

01:02:32.000 Yeah.

01:02:33.000 They're still duking it out, man.

01:02:35.000 Just duking it out.

01:02:36.000 And then they go down those stairs.

01:02:37.000 Look at that little hole.

01:02:38.000 Look, they're going to fall down the hole.

01:02:40.000 Boom!

01:02:41.000 Still duking it out.

01:02:42.000 Look at this.

01:02:43.000 They're going after it, son.

01:02:45.000 That's a fight to the death.

01:02:46.000 They do love jujitsu, too.

01:02:47.000 They're good from their back.

01:02:48.000 They lay on their back and kick up.

01:02:50.000 They scratch the fuck out of each other.

01:02:52.000 My outdoor cat would come home with just deep scratches over his ears.

01:02:56.000 His ears were all tattered.

01:02:57.000 Yikes.

01:02:59.000 That's funny.

01:03:01.000 That's a funny idea.

01:03:02.000 And if they get locked when they're having sex, they get stuck.

01:03:05.000 Exactly.

01:03:05.000 Because they're a barbed dick.

01:03:06.000 I've seen dogs do that.

01:03:08.000 Wait, dogs what?

01:03:09.000 Dogs have the same thing.

01:03:10.000 They're just stuck with a hard dick.

01:03:16.000 It's honestly like every one I stand.

01:03:18.000 You're like, I want to get out of here.

01:03:19.000 We're the only mammals, I think, that don't have a bone for the dick because otherwise we just use it constantly.

01:03:24.000 Speak for yourself.

01:03:27.000 Dog's fucked.

01:03:28.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:03:29.000 Beagles.

01:03:31.000 Alright, we've reached.

01:03:33.000 This is exactly where this podcast goes.

01:03:36.000 I don't even know how you get them unstuck.

01:03:37.000 Do you throw cold water on them?

01:03:39.000 It's like antlers.

01:03:39.000 What do you do?

01:03:40.000 How do they get unstuck?

01:03:41.000 They gotta go back to the right position?

01:03:43.000 You gotta wait.

01:03:44.000 Wait till the dick goes soft.

01:03:47.000 Damn.

01:03:48.000 But it's just a bone.

01:03:49.000 That's what's crazy.

01:03:51.000 Is that right?

01:03:52.000 But you see dogs fucking on the side of the road.

01:03:52.000 Yeah.

01:03:54.000 It looks pleasant.

01:03:55.000 Yeah.

01:03:56.000 No one's ever said that before.

01:03:58.000 We've all seen it.

01:03:59.000 Like, hey, look at that.

01:04:00.000 Looks like a good time.

01:04:01.000 That's pleasant.

01:04:01.000 No one's ever said that.

01:04:02.000 That's like a warm cup of tea.

01:04:03.000 I don't think I've ever seen dogs actually fucking.

01:04:04.000 Oh, I've seen it all the time.

01:04:05.000 I see it at a dog park all the time, and it's so funny because the dog park.

01:04:08.000 The owners get like, hey, I'm so sorry.

01:04:10.000 And the dog's like, leave us alone.

01:04:11.000 Right.

01:04:12.000 We don't care.

01:04:13.000 But you never see a dog like, woo!

01:04:14.000 The owner's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

01:04:15.000 Yeah.

01:04:17.000 Kind of calm.

01:04:17.000 They just do it real quick and get out of there.

01:04:19.000 Yeah, like a Mormon.

01:04:21.000 The girl dogs aren't upset.

01:04:22.000 I saw a video of these bulldogs fucking and it made me actually kind of sad.

01:04:26.000 Jamie.

01:04:26.000 Find a sad bulldog's fucking.

01:04:29.000 What was sad about it?

01:04:30.000 You'll see.

01:04:31.000 It's a tale of all this time.

01:04:33.000 Genetically fucking twisted.

01:04:35.000 Just makes you feel the type of way.

01:04:37.000 Really?

01:04:38.000 I don't want to give you.

01:04:39.000 Yeah, there's a twist on this.

01:04:41.000 There's a shame twist on this video.

01:04:42.000 What happens?

01:04:43.000 No, nothing that bad.

01:04:44.000 It's just, you know.

01:04:46.000 Ooh.

01:04:46.000 Oh, baby.

01:04:49.000 What went wrong with this bulldog?

01:04:51.000 It's just a guy dog trying to talk to a girl and then another guy comes in and he's like, hey, what's up?

01:04:51.000 Nothing.

01:04:55.000 And they run off.

01:04:56.000 Oh.

01:04:56.000 And then the camera pans over and they're fucking again and then goes back to the bulldog.

01:05:00.000 He's sad.

01:05:01.000 Oh, I've been there.

01:05:03.000 God damn it.

01:05:03.000 Yeah, we've all been there.

01:05:04.000 That's the worst.

01:05:05.000 So, but J-Mo's quicker.

01:05:06.000 Bulldog's fucking sad.

01:05:08.000 J-Mo's losing.

01:05:08.000 I thought he was going to nail that.

01:05:09.000 J-Mo's losing.

01:05:10.000 He has a different algorithm than you.

01:05:12.000 He started describing a different thing.

01:05:14.000 We were talking about dogs stuck together, so I'm looking for two dogs stuck together, and now you said it was a third dog.

01:05:19.000 Guy gets one velvet suit.

01:05:21.000 Talking back.

01:05:21.000 Three-way, yeah.

01:05:22.000 You ever see a lady fuck a dog on the internet?

01:05:24.000 I did.

01:05:25.000 I saw one on VHS tape when I was 18. Me too!

01:05:28.000 It really does something.

01:05:29.000 Best day of my life.

01:05:30.000 It was a German Shepherd.

01:05:31.000 This lady was fucking a German Shepherd.

01:05:32.000 It's always a goddamn German Shepherd.

01:05:33.000 What is this?

01:05:34.000 Always.

01:05:35.000 I saw two guys get in a fight, Jim Painter and Carboni, and we were all watching a dog fucking a chick, and Jim was like, she has nice tits.

01:05:43.000 And Pete Carboni was like, "What the fuck?

01:05:45.000 She's getting fucked by a dog!" And he's like, "That has nothing to do with the tits!

01:05:48.000 The tits are nice!

01:05:49.000 What does that have to do with it?" I'm glad they had that argument.

01:05:52.000 That's everybody's internal.

01:05:53.000 They really had an argument about it?

01:05:53.000 Yeah, about whether her tits were nice or not.

01:05:55.000 She's being fucked up about it.

01:05:57.000 He needs to leave the room.

01:05:58.000 No, I had that fight in my head when I saw it.

01:06:00.000 Really?

01:06:01.000 Two sides of me were going, "What the fuck are you watching?

01:06:01.000 Yeah.

01:06:03.000 This is disgusting.

01:06:04.000 That lady should be put down." And then the other side of me is going, "It's fucking nice." Same with chick with dick.

01:06:11.000 You're like, "Eh." The balls are a problem.

01:06:16.000 Some guys get to a point where that's the only thing that turns them on.

01:06:19.000 Big tits and a hard-on.

01:06:21.000 Let's go.

01:06:22.000 Yeah, best of both worlds.

01:06:24.000 Get crazy.

01:06:25.000 Plus, you want someone who never says no.

01:06:27.000 You want someone who wants it all the time.

01:06:29.000 Oh, you want to fuck?

01:06:30.000 Okay.

01:06:31.000 I was into it.

01:06:33.000 Apparently, yeah.

01:06:34.000 He's like, I have a religious decree, dude.

01:06:36.000 Trans is fucking sick.

01:06:38.000 Let me be the first to try them.

01:06:41.000 Buy it, Dola.

01:06:43.000 Not bad.

01:06:47.000 Alright, the Bulldog video is not good enough for us to take this time.

01:06:50.000 I guess so.

01:06:51.000 It's falling out of favor.

01:06:53.000 I think Jamie's not looking enough because he's still worried about that money you owe him.

01:06:56.000 Oh!

01:06:59.000 Shit!

01:07:02.000 He owes me more money.

01:07:06.000 He owes me money for what?

01:07:08.000 I saved you.

01:07:11.000 It's back.

01:07:12.000 Leave it to the Jew to bring up the debt.

01:07:15.000 The debt is owed.

01:07:16.000 That debt is owed.

01:07:17.000 Oh, I definitely paid him the debt back.

01:07:19.000 I flew him back from the game.

01:07:20.000 He brought confetti onto the fucking flight.

01:07:23.000 I was telling someone the other day about how when you were a struggling comic, you would make a living going to those poker tournaments.

01:07:30.000 It definitely wasn't, comedy wasn't paying.

01:07:32.000 He was making a living playing poker.

01:07:34.000 What was this, a year ago?

01:07:37.000 Wham!

01:07:39.000 Yeah, the drunk Mexicans on Fridays.

01:07:41.000 Just steal money off them.

01:07:42.000 You can just say Mexicans.

01:07:44.000 They would just go all in with the Jack Dudes.

01:07:46.000 You didn't have to get so descriptive.

01:07:48.000 It was great.

01:07:50.000 That was how you were making a living.

01:07:53.000 It was crazy.

01:07:54.000 I don't think I've ever met anybody who reasonably approached gambling.

01:07:59.000 This is how I'm going to use this as a job.

01:08:02.000 You're the first guy that I ever met that used poker.

01:08:05.000 You played it professionally.

01:08:07.000 You were intelligent about it.

01:08:09.000 It's the mathematicians.

01:08:10.000 My math wasn't great.

01:08:11.000 These other guys are crazy.

01:08:13.000 They know the exact note.

01:08:14.000 But mine, compared to just a regular, I was pretty good.

01:08:17.000 And you took all the money from the poor, drunk Mexicans?

01:08:20.000 100%.

01:08:20.000 You really are a Jew.

01:08:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:08:22.000 Texas.

01:08:23.000 That wasn't even funny enough for them.

01:08:25.000 That one's gonna get you in trouble.

01:08:26.000 Yeah, it's an equalizer.

01:08:28.000 You play with the fucking owner of the Lakers, didn't know what was gonna become, and then like Jose Canseco was there, but you're all equal.

01:08:33.000 What?

01:08:34.000 You're all buying for the same.

01:08:36.000 And then I just started smoking weed.

01:08:38.000 At the time, I could see through people when I was high.

01:08:42.000 Really?

01:08:43.000 Yeah, you see something, right?

01:08:45.000 You're just like, got it.

01:08:48.000 Yeah, it was nice.

01:08:48.000 That's nice.

01:08:49.000 What happens if you've never won?

01:08:51.000 You've got to pay the rent.

01:08:53.000 Well, I play with the bank.

01:08:55.000 Oh, jeez.

01:08:56.000 So whatever I had already won a little bit, it's like you're just playing out of there.

01:09:00.000 And so when you win big, you see all these guys kind of looking at you as you're going to cash in, and you're just like, uh, can you keep this money here for me for next time?

01:09:07.000 And you're like, yeah.

01:09:08.000 I'm like, okay.

01:09:09.000 I need to walk to my car.

01:09:10.000 They'll trail you all the time.

01:09:12.000 They'll trail you.

01:09:13.000 They'll pull you over six blocks out.

01:09:14.000 100%.

01:09:15.000 100%.

01:09:16.000 You're leaving with $12,000 on a fucking second place victory at fucking Hustler Casino or Hollywood Park.

01:09:22.000 Man, so sad.

01:09:23.000 That's a better idea than being good at poker.

01:09:26.000 Just get a gun.

01:09:26.000 Yeah.

01:09:26.000 Right.

01:09:27.000 Just follow something.

01:09:28.000 You want to go, all right.

01:09:30.000 Right.

01:09:31.000 That's easy.

01:09:32.000 So glad I'm having a gambling addiction.

01:09:33.000 Shady times.

01:09:34.000 It's a scary addiction.

01:09:35.000 Yeah.

01:09:35.000 I don't have it.

01:09:37.000 I don't either.

01:09:38.000 It's fun to gamble on sports a little.

01:09:41.000 But I don't have the...

01:09:41.000 Yeah.

01:09:45.000 Same.

01:09:45.000 For some people, it's like a thrill.

01:09:48.000 And there's nothing else in their life that gives them a thrill.

01:09:51.000 They got a job.

01:09:52.000 The job sucks.

01:09:53.000 They got a family they don't like.

01:09:54.000 And they go out and they fucking risk it all.

01:09:58.000 Yeah.

01:09:58.000 Risk it all.

01:09:59.000 They're fucking shaking.

01:10:00.000 And they can't wait to do it again.

01:10:01.000 We'd go after spots.

01:10:04.000 And then we'd go like midnight one.

01:10:06.000 Go down there.

01:10:06.000 And then if you played for like five hours, you're alright.

01:10:09.000 Leave.

01:10:10.000 If it's seven, you're like, hey, it's rush hour.

01:10:11.000 That means you gotta play for ten.

01:10:13.000 You gotta miss rush hour to get back.

01:10:16.000 You'd just be there forever.

01:10:18.000 Yeah, and it's a 24-hour-a-day deal.

01:10:18.000 Damn.

01:10:20.000 Oh, yeah, there's no windows.

01:10:22.000 No windows.

01:10:22.000 It's just like...

01:10:24.000 Different world of people, too.

01:10:26.000 Real degenerates.

01:10:26.000 Sitting around with sunglasses, drinking.

01:10:28.000 Same as the pool hall people.

01:10:30.000 Probably those are worse, probably.

01:10:31.000 Same humans.

01:10:33.000 Yeah.

01:10:33.000 At least the pool hall people have some skill.

01:10:36.000 You get to know each other.

01:10:37.000 Yeah.

01:10:38.000 Like, oh, you're a regular as you talk all the time.

01:10:43.000 Yeah!

01:10:43.000 So we're like enemies, but we're being friendly.

01:10:46.000 That was pool hall banter.

01:10:48.000 It was all guys who were trying to rob other guys.

01:10:51.000 Like, I can't play you even.

01:10:52.000 I need the eight ball.

01:10:53.000 And they'd be sitting around talking forever.

01:10:55.000 Everyone's got a gambling addiction.

01:10:57.000 It's like, who can hold out the longest?

01:10:59.000 It's like two guys with a boner.

01:11:01.000 Like, ah, we can't fuck you.

01:11:02.000 Come on, no.

01:11:03.000 Let's fuck.

01:11:04.000 No, no, no.

01:11:04.000 Not yet.

01:11:05.000 They're like, hold off to try to get a better deal.

01:11:08.000 And you were in there.

01:11:09.000 That was funny when we were in the car, and we were talking about you playing pool all the time, and he was just like, I'm a psycho.

01:11:15.000 Yeah, he's a psycho.

01:11:16.000 We'd go out to shows and be like, let's go play pool.

01:11:18.000 It's like something to do, you know, after a show.

01:11:20.000 Okay, cool, an hour or two, seven.

01:11:23.000 At some point he was like, Joe, can we please get out of here?

01:11:26.000 I have a problem.

01:11:28.000 Yeah, but it's a good problem.

01:11:28.000 Really?

01:11:29.000 It's good problems.

01:11:30.000 Yeah, it's not a problem like I smoke crack.

01:11:34.000 My problem is when I lock on something, time goes away.

01:11:37.000 Yeah, you can catch heroin or you can catch fission.

01:11:39.000 Yeah.

01:11:40.000 That's a better one.

01:11:41.000 Fishing's a better one.

01:11:42.000 Pool's a better one.

01:11:43.000 Pool's a good one because you can only do it physically for so long.

01:11:45.000 Whereas video games, you can play video games 12 hours in a row.

01:11:49.000 That's true.

01:11:49.000 No problem.

01:11:50.000 All you're doing is sitting.

01:11:52.000 Yeah.

01:11:52.000 Keeps you up.

01:11:53.000 Drink Mountain Dew.

01:11:54.000 It keeps you totally dialed in.

01:11:55.000 Yeah.

01:11:56.000 You got explosions going off in your ear.

01:11:58.000 You're gunning folks down.

01:12:00.000 You're running down hallways.

01:12:02.000 All right.

01:12:02.000 One more level.

01:12:02.000 Yeah.

01:12:03.000 And then it's four hours past.

01:12:03.000 One more level.

01:12:04.000 Why am I going to bed?

01:12:05.000 Got the headset on, he called a guy Mumbai a fag.

01:12:08.000 You need a job in the morning that you have to get up for, otherwise you're scared.

01:12:11.000 Or a girlfriend.

01:12:12.000 Or a girlfriend.

01:12:13.000 Or a girlfriend gets mad at you.

01:12:14.000 Are you fucking serious?

01:12:17.000 It's four in the morning.

01:12:19.000 Come to bed.

01:12:20.000 I had a call of duty problem.

01:12:21.000 I had oversleep spots.

01:12:23.000 You go to sleep at like 4pm.

01:12:25.000 You know, just like up, up, up.

01:12:26.000 And then you're like, oh fuck, I missed my spot because I was sleeping.

01:12:29.000 Man, you've lived a lot of lives.

01:12:31.000 Dude, they're gonna put a fucking helmet on you one day.

01:12:35.000 And are you prepared to engage?

01:12:38.000 Oh, that's coming.

01:12:38.000 Yes.

01:12:39.000 You're going to be in the world.

01:12:41.000 Like, fully in the world.

01:12:43.000 Bombs going off.

01:12:44.000 You're running down a dirty street hoping that this is not real life.

01:12:48.000 That if you die, you're going to respawn.

01:12:51.000 Jesus!

01:12:52.000 Bullets are flying by.

01:12:53.000 breaking the bricks behind your head.

01:12:57.000 But Westworld, you could die.

01:12:59.000 You can tell, but the people didn't know that they were robots.

01:13:02.000 Right.

01:13:02.000 They thought they were in the game.

01:13:03.000 But they were like, whoa, who am I?

01:13:05.000 That's going to happen, man.

01:13:06.000 We're all ones and zeros.

01:13:07.000 We've been in the AI for a long time.

01:13:09.000 Did you hear that?

01:13:10.000 Yeah.

01:13:11.000 We're in the simulation.

01:13:13.000 Come on.

01:13:13.000 I'm kind of willing to do that.

01:13:14.000 Humanity ended hundreds of years ago, but they mined us for our info.

01:13:18.000 Well, this is just what reality is.

01:13:20.000 I think we have a version of reality that's not real.

01:13:22.000 The real reality is we're in a gigantic computer simulation.

01:13:26.000 Damn, I couldn't have gotten a bigger dick.

01:13:29.000 Nope.

01:13:29.000 That's what you get if you want that sense of humor.

01:13:32.000 Yeah, what happens?

01:13:33.000 Make the average eight.

01:13:35.000 It is kind of crazy that they've come up with so many medications, not one to grow a dick.

01:13:40.000 Yeah.

01:13:42.000 It's true.

01:13:42.000 There's probably a bunch of guys that don't want it.

01:13:44.000 You can't give them big dicks.

01:13:45.000 Because if you give them big dicks, if it's only a couple hundred bucks...

01:13:50.000 Nobody's gonna do a single thing.

01:13:52.000 Pussy so big they'll have to flop down to freedom.

01:13:55.000 Yeah, flying squirrel pussy people.

01:13:57.000 Remember that bit?

01:13:58.000 That's old school.

01:14:00.000 That was old school.

01:14:00.000 Right.

01:14:02.000 Yeah, it's a weird thing.

01:14:03.000 Stick around in a shopping cart.

01:14:04.000 If you have...

01:14:08.000 Like you're trying to stop people from getting just massive.

01:14:11.000 That's why China's so angry.

01:14:14.000 Little dicks are pissing them off.

01:14:17.000 Dude, they're using CRISPR now.

01:14:19.000 I bet they've got giant dicks.

01:14:20.000 We just haven't seen it yet.

01:14:21.000 What's CRISPR?

01:14:22.000 Genetic engineering.

01:14:23.000 They're editing people's genes.

01:14:26.000 That's the number one thing.

01:14:27.000 Give my son a big dick.

01:14:28.000 Let's see what happens.

01:14:29.000 Give a big dick a super brain.

01:14:31.000 They supposedly inoculated these kids from HIV.

01:14:35.000 They kept them from getting HIV, but in the process made them more intelligent.

01:14:38.000 Like, dude, I know what you're doing.

01:14:39.000 You're making them more intelligent.

01:14:41.000 We also made them way more intelligent.

01:14:41.000 Oopsie.

01:14:43.000 They're like, "You're not supposed to do that." So they put the guy in jail for a couple years.

01:14:46.000 Now he's back, kicking ass again.

01:14:48.000 He was like their top dude, their top genetic guy.

01:14:50.000 Like, "Yeah, you're gonna be in jail." And in jail, you get millions of dollars in hookers.

01:14:55.000 In jail, in jail, you get your dick sucked every day and you're eating roast beef.

01:14:59.000 Fuckin'jail.

01:15:00.000 In jail, jail sucks.

01:15:01.000 Oh wait.

01:15:02.000 You're a bad boy, you did a good job.

01:15:04.000 Hear me out here, maybe this is the shrooms talking, but I think the dick size you have makes you who you are.

01:15:14.000 Because you've got to overcome.

01:15:15.000 Tell it to that lady who was beating up on chicks in the Olympics.

01:15:18.000 All right.

01:15:19.000 How big was her dick?

01:15:20.000 I don't know.

01:15:21.000 That was a tiny dick.

01:15:22.000 That's a tiny dick move is to become great.

01:15:24.000 Exactly.

01:15:25.000 To beat up women.

01:15:26.000 Kevin Hart syndrome.

01:15:27.000 Tiny dick.

01:15:28.000 Oh, how dare you.

01:15:28.000 I can't beat up men because I'll go, don't you have a small dick?

01:15:31.000 You're like, damn it, good point.

01:15:33.000 And they leave to find a woman to beat up.

01:15:35.000 Oh, boy.

01:15:36.000 I'm telling you, you've got to work with what you've got.

01:15:38.000 If you have the choice through CRISPR, how big your son's dick's going to be.

01:15:43.000 You gotta give him a medium.

01:15:44.000 Medium?

01:15:45.000 Don't go crazy.

01:15:46.000 You can't go crazy.

01:15:47.000 He'll dominate your house.

01:15:48.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:15:49.000 What'd you say to me?

01:15:50.000 15-year-old with 12-inch dick.

01:15:52.000 He'll supplant you.

01:15:53.000 I said clean your room!

01:15:54.000 I paid for that dick, son.

01:15:56.000 I gave you that dick, you motherfucker.

01:15:59.000 Yeah, you created a monster?

01:16:00.000 Well, having a son is probably a lot like having a wild dog, where you have to train him, get him exercising every day, wear him out, get him calm.

01:16:10.000 Yeah.

01:16:11.000 Realize, like, hey, fella, I know you're ready to go all the time.

01:16:14.000 That's what we got to do.

01:16:15.000 We got to burn that out of you every day so you'd be a good citizen.

01:16:18.000 But if you're just fucking not paying attention, then you got a wild teenager.

01:16:18.000 Right.

01:16:23.000 They'll shoot at school.

01:16:24.000 It must be crazy.

01:16:25.000 Yeah, if you have a son, you just have to get him to not shoot up or rape until they understand why both of them are wrong.

01:16:31.000 Has there ever been a jacked school shooter?

01:16:33.000 Of course not.

01:16:33.000 Never.

01:16:34.000 They don't need it.

01:16:34.000 Not one.

01:16:35.000 Has there ever been one that's not on medication?

01:16:37.000 Not one.

01:16:38.000 Every school shooter looks like Michael Moore.

01:16:39.000 Thomas Matthew Crooks had a huge hog.

01:16:41.000 Who's that?

01:16:42.000 Who's that?

01:16:42.000 The guy who shot Trump.

01:16:44.000 Did he?

01:16:45.000 Huge hog.

01:16:47.000 The kid?

01:16:48.000 Every one of those guys.

01:16:49.000 The 20-year-old kid?

01:16:50.000 How do you know he had a huge hog?

01:16:50.000 Yeah.

01:16:51.000 Oh, it's all over the 4chan.

01:16:54.000 I sucked him off on the roof.

01:16:56.000 That's why he couldn't get away.

01:16:58.000 Hey, we took a shot at my old hog.

01:17:01.000 He didn't miss my mouth.

01:17:03.000 Don't you want to come in my mouth?

01:17:03.000 I will say, I didn't miss my mouth.

01:17:05.000 It was like those two handles locked on.

01:17:07.000 I was like, don't get away.

01:17:09.000 The school shooters do have giant dick builds, though.

01:17:12.000 Yeah, skinny.

01:17:13.000 They're all tall, skinny, weird guys.

01:17:13.000 You know what I mean?

01:17:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:15.000 Alien bodies.

01:17:16.000 Bro, there was this guy who was a professor of mathematics at MIT, and I did Taekwondo with him.

01:17:21.000 I don't want to say his name, but if I tell you his name, it's even more hilarious.

01:17:24.000 And this guy had a donkey dick.

01:17:26.000 Really?

01:17:26.000 Everybody would change in the locker room.

01:17:30.000 We would change.

01:17:32.000 Really?

01:17:33.000 He's like this really kind of uncoordinated, like crazy hair.

01:17:37.000 He had the Jufro, the whole deal.

01:17:38.000 He had a dick that was like a solid limp nine inches.

01:17:43.000 What the fuck?

01:17:43.000 It was a giant dick with giant balls.

01:17:46.000 And everybody would see it and be like, what the fuck?

01:17:48.000 And his wife never left his side.

01:17:50.000 She was protecting that diamond.

01:17:53.000 She had that diamond dick everywhere she went.

01:17:55.000 It was like a dog with a bone.

01:17:57.000 She was always there at every training session.

01:17:59.000 We traveled with him to tournaments.

01:18:01.000 She wasn't going nowhere.

01:18:02.000 Did the dick ever hit you on the mat?

01:18:03.000 You're like, Jesus.

01:18:04.000 No, it was type 1. You gotta wear a cup.

01:18:06.000 You're wearing a cup.

01:18:07.000 It's all tucked away.

01:18:09.000 Could you call it out at the locker room?

01:18:10.000 Could you go, Jesus, Harry.

01:18:12.000 No, it's the one thing you didn't talk about.

01:18:13.000 You wear cups of jiu-jitsu?

01:18:15.000 Yes, I do.

01:18:16.000 I gotta wear a pitcher.

01:18:17.000 You need to easily.

01:18:18.000 Some guys don't.

01:18:19.000 Some guys don't.

01:18:20.000 But I got a need in the balls too many times.

01:18:22.000 Thanks, man.

01:18:22.000 That's great.

01:18:22.000 A pitcher.

01:18:25.000 It is funny.

01:18:25.000 It's very funny when you see one of your buddies has a huge dick.

01:18:29.000 It changes the dynamic.

01:18:29.000 It's weird.

01:18:31.000 And people with huge dicks don't like talking about it.

01:18:33.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:18:34.000 You ever make fun of a guy for having a big dick?

01:18:35.000 They're like, shut the fuck up.

01:18:36.000 That's crazy.

01:18:36.000 Big dick embarrassment.

01:18:37.000 It's like you with your shoulders.

01:18:39.000 No, no.

01:18:40.000 You get jacked.

01:18:41.000 It's not a big deal.

01:18:42.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:18:42.000 You get jacked.

01:18:44.000 Yeah, the huge dong is a game changer.

01:18:45.000 It's like when you see your friend playing the piano.

01:18:47.000 You're like, well, where'd this go from?

01:18:48.000 Holy shit.

01:18:49.000 That's a weird thing.

01:18:50.000 That's a weird skill to have.

01:18:51.000 Piano?

01:18:52.000 Yeah, when someone sits down and all of a sudden they can play, and you're like, you never told me?

01:18:55.000 It's funny to see any friend who has awesome skill.

01:18:58.000 Hinchcliffe can play piano.

01:18:59.000 Come on!

01:19:00.000 He fucking checks out.

01:19:00.000 And drums.

01:19:01.000 And drums.

01:19:02.000 Piano checks out.

01:19:03.000 But he sits down and just starts playing piano.

01:19:03.000 He plays drums.

01:19:05.000 You're like, where'd this come from?

01:19:07.000 Plays the skin flute.

01:19:09.000 That's the trombone.

01:19:11.000 The old rusty trombone.

01:19:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:13.000 Yeah, the extracurricular skills off stand-up is interesting.

01:19:17.000 Bobby Lee can dance well and skate.

01:19:20.000 Mm-hmm.

01:19:20.000 No.

01:19:21.000 Wow.

01:19:22.000 I bet he plays the fuck out of some video games.

01:19:24.000 Yeah, and some math.

01:19:26.000 Yeah, certain guys are just good at other sports.

01:19:28.000 Andy Haynes can shred on skis.

01:19:31.000 Right.

01:19:31.000 There's certain guys that are just like, what's this other thing?

01:19:34.000 Right.

01:19:35.000 O 'Connor was D1 lacrosse.

01:19:36.000 Wow.

01:19:37.000 Really?

01:19:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:39.000 Wow.

01:19:40.000 Man, Penn State?

01:19:41.000 Drexel.

01:19:42.000 Nice!

01:19:43.000 You were thinking Duke.

01:19:45.000 I got my legs mixed up.

01:19:48.000 Michael Kosta!

01:19:49.000 Michael Kosta, professional tennis player.

01:19:52.000 He was like a really good tennis player.

01:19:54.000 1200th of the world.

01:19:55.000 Which doesn't sound good, but it's pretty good.

01:19:58.000 How about Voss being like a karate guy?

01:20:00.000 You see those pictures?

01:20:02.000 No.

01:20:02.000 What?

01:20:03.000 He's a golf guy.

01:20:04.000 It was like right when he started doing crack.

01:20:07.000 Oh, Jeff Ross.

01:20:08.000 No, Voss.

01:20:09.000 Oh, Jeff Ross is a black belt in Taekwondo.

01:20:11.000 Really?

01:20:12.000 You with Poole.

01:20:14.000 It's like there's people that can do something like what?

01:20:17.000 There's a photo of him throwing a kick.

01:20:19.000 He's got a jerry curl.

01:20:20.000 Oh, that's right.

01:20:21.000 And he just got addicted to fucking crack.

01:20:23.000 He was doing karate.

01:20:25.000 Let me see his form.

01:20:27.000 Let me see his form.

01:20:29.000 Let me see if you can find the photo.

01:20:30.000 Do you remember about kicking that guy?

01:20:32.000 Some young cop was trying to get in with him and be cool and he was making fun of his kid.

01:20:36.000 Just too familiar.

01:20:37.000 Jason Kanner.

01:20:40.000 Oh, sorry.

01:20:41.000 He doesn't care.

01:20:42.000 He just kicked him.

01:20:43.000 Boss kicked him.

01:20:44.000 Broke his ribs.

01:20:45.000 Boss fucking rules.

01:20:46.000 Broke his ribs.

01:20:47.000 He was like, actually, nah, Jason.

01:20:49.000 Nah.

01:20:50.000 Just broke a rib.

01:20:51.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:20:53.000 His drug stories.

01:20:54.000 Horse kicked him like that.

01:20:54.000 Broke his ribs?

01:20:55.000 Really?

01:20:56.000 Yeah, at the Caroline's Christmas party.

01:20:58.000 Fucking front kicked him at a Christmas party.

01:21:01.000 What the fuck?

01:21:02.000 I think I heard Jason was like, no, I was out of line.

01:21:04.000 He was.

01:21:04.000 What year was this?

01:21:05.000 What year was this?

01:21:06.000 2009.

01:21:07.000 Wow, that's a risky time.

01:21:09.000 Risky time to be front kicking people.

01:21:10.000 The internet exists.

01:21:11.000 Yeah.

01:21:15.000 You can front kick people in the 80s.

01:21:18.000 No one's gonna believe you.

01:21:20.000 You got any DNA?

01:21:22.000 You got nothing.

01:21:23.000 You got a story?

01:21:25.000 Yeah, what was that like?

01:21:26.000 It was wild.

01:21:27.000 Nobody knew anything.

01:21:28.000 What's that?

01:21:29.000 Barkley threw a guy through a window at a bar.

01:21:31.000 What?

01:21:31.000 Charles?

01:21:32.000 But there's no video.

01:21:33.000 He could just do it.

01:21:34.000 Whoa!

01:21:35.000 Threw a guy through a window is dangerous.

01:21:37.000 Bro, that's how people die.

01:21:39.000 I'd love to, too.

01:21:40.000 Cut your neck, glass.

01:21:41.000 I mean, the way you die, he's talking shit to fucking Charles Barkley.

01:21:44.000 Yeah.

01:21:45.000 Giant super high.

01:21:46.000 I might be 6 '5", but I rebound like 6 '9".

01:21:49.000 So, quiet.

01:21:50.000 He's a funny guy.

01:21:50.000 Also, that guy fucking punches you?

01:21:52.000 Oh, my God.

01:21:53.000 You get punched by an NBA player?

01:21:55.000 If you're going to bother me, I'm going to whip your ass.

01:21:57.000 Charles Bucky threw a man through a glass window.

01:21:59.000 Whoa!

01:22:01.000 Wow.

01:22:02.000 Imagine, like, you're just some dummy who just thinks you can just talk shit to a guy forever, and then this 300-pound giant man just grabs you and throws you away like you're a cushion on a couch.

01:22:18.000 He just chucks you.

01:22:19.000 It's like the guy on the flight who tried to fuck with Tyson.

01:22:22.000 Tyson, yeah.

01:22:23.000 Well, that's wonderful.

01:22:24.000 Yeah.

01:22:25.000 There's dudes out there sitting back and watching Charles Barkley become the coolest guy of all time.

01:22:32.000 So funny.

01:22:32.000 That guy's sitting there like, I bothered him once at a bar and he threw me through a window.

01:22:37.000 I hated him my whole life.

01:22:38.000 And then you watch him on TV, you're like, fuck, he's the coolest guy.

01:22:40.000 He's so cool.

01:22:41.000 He's literally the coolest guy.

01:22:43.000 I love when he was going to do the play-by-play or color, whatever, for L.I.V.

01:22:51.000 The colored comment.

01:22:53.000 For a live golf, and they were like, well, that's evil.

01:22:55.000 He goes, where did you get your money from?

01:22:56.000 Don't you all do, like, iPhone ads?

01:22:58.000 Like, that's easy on the judgment.

01:23:00.000 That's an interesting Charles Barkley.

01:23:03.000 It wasn't the best impression.

01:23:11.000 Kimmel is the best one.

01:23:12.000 This is a pretty crazy story.

01:23:14.000 The guy says, you're not going to do shit.

01:23:16.000 You're nothing but a big-ass pussy.

01:23:18.000 The taunt set Barkley off.

01:23:19.000 William reached for his radio to call for backup.

01:23:23.000 Oh, the cop.

01:23:24.000 According to the police report, as he released his grip, he felt Lugo escape, except the 20-year-old hadn't gotten away.

01:23:30.000 I felt the victim being pulled from my grasp, Williams wrote in the account of the incident.

01:23:37.000 I looked up and I saw Barkley holding the victim up in the air by his arm.

01:23:42.000 Oh, God.

01:23:43.000 What did he say to perceive that?

01:23:45.000 He flung him like he was a toy.

01:23:46.000 He says, do you know who the fuck I am?

01:23:48.000 Do you know who the fuck I am?

01:23:49.000 In a matter of seconds, Charles chucked Lugo through the plate glass window.

01:23:53.000 Oh, my God.

01:23:54.000 Even if he don't know who he is, he's 6 '9".

01:23:56.000 Flung him like he was a toy.

01:23:59.000 Flung him like he was a toy.

01:24:00.000 Right before this too, the cops told him not to go up to him.

01:24:03.000 I'm just gonna talk to him, I don't wanna I just wanna talk to him." "I won't hurt him, Charles assured the officer.

01:24:08.000 I just wanna talk to him.

01:24:09.000 Oh my god." And the officer's like, "Okay, you can just talk to him within arm's reach." And the guy says, "You're not gonna do shit.

01:24:16.000 You're nothing but a big-ass pussy." Bro, there's people like that out there in the world, you know?

01:24:24.000 You're like, "You're rich." You're like, "I wasn't raised rich, so that's who I am." You guys have seen the video of Joe Schilling knocking that guy out in a bar?

01:24:24.000 It's so funny.

01:24:31.000 No!

01:24:32.000 Pull it up!

01:24:33.000 Oh my god.

01:24:34.000 So there's this asshole at a bar, he's being rude, and apparently he was being rude all night, and Joe Schilling, who's a multiple-time world champion kickboxer, walks by this guy, and the guy, like, tries to, like, make him flinch, and Joe just goes, da-da-da!

01:24:49.000 Watch this.

01:24:50.000 So there's this guy drinking, having a good time, being an asshole, talking about beating somebody in arm wrestling or whatever, and He just touches him.

01:24:59.000 You know, nothing.

01:25:00.000 He says something to him.

01:25:01.000 He turns around.

01:25:02.000 Oh, that was quick.

01:25:05.000 Well, he's a world champion kickboxer.

01:25:05.000 Yeah.

01:25:07.000 You can't flinch on a guy.

01:25:08.000 That guy's trained.

01:25:08.000 He was out of his...

01:25:10.000 He delayed himself four seconds.

01:25:12.000 I don't think it was four.

01:25:13.000 I don't think it's four.

01:25:14.000 I mean, he knew the guy was out.

01:25:16.000 Like, look.

01:25:17.000 Okay, here, one.

01:25:18.000 He just passes by, and he calls him back.

01:25:22.000 Oh, that step forward.

01:25:24.000 The step forward with the chin up the door.

01:25:26.000 It's like, you can't do that to a guy like that.

01:25:28.000 He comes at him with, like, you want them?

01:25:29.000 Okay.

01:25:30.000 Like, what?

01:25:31.000 That's scary, because that could happen to anybody.

01:25:34.000 So he had to go to court for that, and he won.

01:25:39.000 Really?

01:25:40.000 Because it's Florida.

01:25:40.000 It's like staying your ground.

01:25:43.000 They have some good rules.

01:25:43.000 Florida does rule.

01:25:44.000 I love Florida.

01:25:45.000 What was that medicine they give you during COVID?

01:25:47.000 I forgot the name of it.

01:25:48.000 Ivermectin.

01:25:49.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:25:50.000 The treatment.

01:25:51.000 That.

01:25:51.000 Monoclonal antibodies?

01:25:52.000 That's what I was trying to remember.

01:25:52.000 Yeah.

01:25:53.000 Yeah, they banned that in a lot of places.

01:25:55.000 They stopped people from getting that.

01:25:57.000 I had a whole podcast about it.

01:25:58.000 Yeah, you got it.

01:25:58.000 I got it.

01:25:59.000 I got it to a lot of people.

01:26:00.000 When I was down there, you were like, oh, thank God, you're in Florida.

01:26:02.000 Okay, cool.

01:26:03.000 Do this.

01:26:04.000 There's places they wouldn't give it to you.

01:26:06.000 They restricted it.

01:26:07.000 Florida was pretty good during the pandemic.

01:26:09.000 They were a good place to go.

01:26:11.000 Did a lot of comedy there.

01:26:12.000 That's where I caught COVID.

01:26:14.000 That's where I got it, too.

01:26:15.000 That's where I was.

01:26:16.000 Thank God you got rid of that.

01:26:21.000 A lot of your people down there.

01:26:23.000 Olds.

01:26:23.000 Jews?

01:26:24.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:25.000 They don't come to shows.

01:26:25.000 They like to relax.

01:26:27.000 Go to Miami and relax.

01:26:30.000 That's true.

01:26:30.000 A place built on cocaine.

01:26:32.000 Imagine.

01:26:33.000 Cocaine, Jews, trannies.

01:26:35.000 And Hulk Hogan, Carole Baskin, Scientology.

01:26:38.000 A lot of rented Lamborghinis.

01:26:39.000 Yeah.

01:26:40.000 Oh, yeah.

01:26:41.000 A lot of rented Lamborghinis.

01:26:43.000 Before I got to the store, somebody pulled up in a limousine.

01:26:45.000 I was a door guy.

01:26:46.000 And I was like, ooh, who's this?

01:26:47.000 And the manager's already been jaded.

01:26:49.000 He goes, somebody with $50.

01:26:53.000 Already jaded.

01:26:55.000 The jaded guy.

01:26:56.000 When I got there, Harris Pete was the most jaded guy of all time.

01:26:58.000 Maybe of all time.

01:26:59.000 Of all time.

01:27:00.000 He had been through all the eras, and he was like, you gotta impress the shit out of Harris Pete.

01:27:04.000 Made a deal with, the rumor was, Leno and Letterman said, hey, all three of us, whoever makes it will take care of the other ones.

01:27:10.000 Really?

01:27:11.000 Does that sound like a deal you would make?

01:27:13.000 Sounds like a deal you make one night while you're drinking.

01:27:16.000 Not a real deal.

01:27:17.000 We're all in this together.

01:27:19.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:27:20.000 The guy who kind of sucks.

01:27:21.000 The guy who kind of sucks.

01:27:22.000 One of us is going to make it.

01:27:24.000 You bring us with you.

01:27:27.000 It's Shane Gillis, Dave Chappelle.

01:27:31.000 We're all in this together, boys.

01:27:33.000 We said we were in this together.

01:27:34.000 Like, hey, hey, hey.

01:27:36.000 You promised.

01:27:37.000 I said get away.

01:27:39.000 I said get me a beer.

01:27:40.000 That sounds like a promise.

01:27:44.000 Relax.

01:27:45.000 Relax.

01:27:45.000 We did the Boston Comedy Fest, and we were all in the finals, and we were like, alright, whoever wins, because the pot was 10 grand, which was enormous at that level, and we were like, whoever wins, we'll split it up this way, that way, you get first, second.

01:27:59.000 One guy was off in the shadows.

01:28:02.000 We're like, he's not going to make it.

01:28:03.000 This guy sucks.

01:28:04.000 He's no good.

01:28:05.000 That guy's definitely going to win.

01:28:06.000 He won.

01:28:07.000 He gave the whole thing to Boston Strong.

01:28:08.000 We all hated him.

01:28:09.000 What's Boston Strong?

01:28:10.000 The marathon.

01:28:11.000 It was that year.

01:28:13.000 What an asshole.

01:28:15.000 What a piece of shit.

01:28:17.000 Did he ever make it as a comic?

01:28:19.000 Yeah, he's hilarious.

01:28:20.000 He's a really funny guy.

01:28:21.000 But at the time, we're like, this guy's going nowhere.

01:28:23.000 And then he won.

01:28:24.000 Yeah, anytime I've done a comedy competition, the guy who's sitting by himself and quiet, you go, fuck.

01:28:29.000 He's doing the math.

01:28:31.000 He's not here having fun.

01:28:32.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:28:33.000 We're all hungover and drinking.

01:28:35.000 This little Indian kid.

01:28:37.000 They used to have this thing called the Boston Comedy Riot.

01:28:39.000 It was like the biggest comedy competition.

01:28:41.000 The WBCN radio would host it.

01:28:41.000 Yeah.

01:28:44.000 It was the Boston Comedy Riot.

01:28:45.000 It was like in the 1980s.

01:28:47.000 WBCN.

01:28:48.000 The Boston and the Seattle competitions were the big ones.

01:28:50.000 They never did either one of them.

01:28:52.000 But it was like weeks long, so you had to either keep going up there or be there.

01:28:56.000 Yeah, Seattle was like that.

01:28:57.000 It was hell.

01:28:58.000 So you have to be a guy with no life.

01:29:00.000 Or a Seattle resident.

01:29:02.000 Yeah, or a Seattle resident.

01:29:03.000 Willing to hang in there for the long haul.

01:29:05.000 For the golden prize of being the winner of the Seattle competition.

01:29:09.000 I think I lost one to Sam.

01:29:11.000 Yeah, I did a bunch at the beginning.

01:29:13.000 Which Sam?

01:29:14.000 Atlanta, Muriel.

01:29:16.000 I think he ended up winning.

01:29:17.000 I think we're both in the final.

01:29:18.000 Oh, the Laughing Skull.

01:29:19.000 He did win that.

01:29:21.000 Did they just kick them out?

01:29:23.000 Did the Vortex just kick out the Laughing Skull?

01:29:26.000 I don't know.

01:29:26.000 What happened?

01:29:27.000 I think the vortex said, like, you guys gotta go, the owner's gotta go.

01:29:30.000 Pull it up.

01:29:31.000 What happened?

01:29:32.000 You gotta pee.

01:29:32.000 I don't know.

01:29:33.000 You know why?

01:29:33.000 What is that about?

01:29:34.000 That was a great little room.

01:29:35.000 That was.

01:29:36.000 85 seats.

01:29:36.000 It's just a headline.

01:29:38.000 Great, great little room.

01:29:40.000 Fun room.

01:29:41.000 Someone's gotta film the special.

01:29:42.000 There's no space for cameras, but someone still had to.

01:29:44.000 I think someone filmed something there.

01:29:46.000 I think I've seen stuff from there.

01:29:48.000 Yeah, it's a great comedy.

01:29:49.000 Yeah, what happened?

01:29:50.000 There was this headline I kind of passed by for a second.

01:29:54.000 You ever do those?

01:29:54.000 And then go, and you're like, I actually read that one.

01:29:57.000 Yeah, yeah, the headlines.

01:29:59.000 You think, you're just getting overwhelmed by headlines.

01:30:02.000 That's the problem.

01:30:03.000 There's so much, oh, that's important, but maybe not as important as the next one.

01:30:03.000 That's true.

01:30:07.000 I'm going to scroll down a little bit.

01:30:08.000 But it all goes into your brain.

01:30:10.000 And you know the headlines are all lies.

01:30:12.000 Made by some other, not the writer.

01:30:12.000 They're all lies.

01:30:14.000 So you're like, oh, okay, I guess it's that.

01:30:16.000 Isn't that weird?

01:30:17.000 Yeah.

01:30:17.000 If you write a really good article, someone could fuck it up with some misleading shit in the headline.

01:30:22.000 Laughing Skull Lounge founder will leave the Vortex after 16 years.

01:30:26.000 Sad.

01:30:27.000 Wow.

01:30:27.000 That was a great room.

01:30:29.000 After two decades, they're splitting up.

01:30:31.000 There'll be no Laughing Skull or just the guys out?

01:30:31.000 What does that mean?

01:30:34.000 I think...

01:30:36.000 What does it mean for the lounge?

01:30:36.000 I don't know.

01:30:37.000 We'll still be open in the vortex, but...

01:30:41.000 Uh-oh.

01:30:41.000 The founder and team will be exploring other comedy avenues in the city.

01:30:45.000 So they'll do another laughing skull somewhere else.

01:30:49.000 No, no, no.

01:30:50.000 Nobody cares about the name.

01:30:51.000 Wow, that room.

01:30:52.000 Well, they know how to do it, though.

01:30:52.000 It's the venue.

01:30:55.000 They'll probably find one that's like it.

01:30:56.000 Nah, the rooms are important.

01:30:58.000 The size of a room.

01:30:58.000 It's not a Chipotle.

01:30:59.000 You can't just reproduce it somewhere.

01:31:01.000 But you might be able to find a similar size room.

01:31:03.000 I mean, yeah.

01:31:05.000 I mean, Atlanta's got a lot of...

01:31:08.000 They have a giant email list.

01:31:10.000 Why are you so pessimistic?

01:31:11.000 No, because the actual room, the old stand versus the new stand, they're different.

01:31:16.000 The La Jolla Comedy Store versus the regular comedy store.

01:31:18.000 The Comedy Store versus the main room.

01:31:19.000 Those are different rooms.

01:31:20.000 Elliot Page.

01:31:21.000 Yeah, Elliot versus Elliot.

01:31:23.000 So it's like, you can't reproduce that.

01:31:25.000 Right.

01:31:27.000 But you can make...

01:31:30.000 The little boy in the mothership.

01:31:32.000 Those are different.

01:31:33.000 Yeah, but we made that.

01:31:34.000 That's a new room, and it's a tiny little room just like that.

01:31:37.000 It's the same kind of thing.

01:31:38.000 It's like, you just know how to do it right.

01:31:41.000 You can be recreated.

01:31:43.000 The location is big, like what kind of people are in that area already, Yep, yep.

01:31:49.000 It's funny how a room has a feel, like the OR.

01:31:52.000 In the store has such a weird feel.

01:31:55.000 It's a specific.

01:31:56.000 Smoke is built into the walls.

01:31:57.000 evils built into the walls.

01:31:59.000 It's also like there's something good about the The good about it is it's chaos.

01:32:07.000 Chaos.

01:32:08.000 The show's chaos.

01:32:09.000 That room is a chaos room.

01:32:10.000 Diaz used to have the most chaos in that room.

01:32:14.000 Diaz would crush in the main room, but there's something about Diaz when he would go on stage in the fucking OR late at night when no one cared.

01:32:21.000 It just doesn't matter.

01:32:22.000 It just doesn't matter.

01:32:24.000 And then he would go and crush it.

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:26.000 He would go crush it.

01:32:27.000 He would go crush it.

01:32:28.000 Really?

01:32:28.000 I'd love to see him in that little of a room.

01:32:30.000 A few people know what that means.

01:32:32.000 Oh, you're sick.

01:32:33.000 And then he would shake his pants until his dick came out.

01:32:35.000 You sick fuck.

01:32:37.000 Oh, he came back with the bong.

01:32:39.000 It's just plastic.

01:32:40.000 It's just plastic made in America.

01:32:42.000 Hold on, I gotta piss.

01:32:43.000 Don't start it before I get that.

01:32:44.000 I won't.

01:32:45.000 Thank God you're leaving to piss.

01:32:49.000 We're trying to keep them from you.

01:32:53.000 We had a triple wash this fucking pitcher because Norman pissed at it once.

01:32:57.000 Oh, fuck.

01:32:58.000 I forgot about that.

01:33:01.000 We've had some really rough ones.

01:33:03.000 We've had some rippers.

01:33:04.000 Like, to the point where when it's, like, Protect Our Parks Day, I'm like...

01:33:09.000 It's like a marathon.

01:33:10.000 But American needs it.

01:33:11.000 Yeah!

01:33:12.000 The boys need it.

01:33:13.000 They tell me all the time.

01:33:13.000 They do.

01:33:14.000 I see them out in the streets.

01:33:15.000 I said, when?

01:33:16.000 When?

01:33:17.000 When's Protect Our Parks coming back?

01:33:18.000 They say it all the time.

01:33:19.000 All the time.

01:33:19.000 That's the first, when I do those Q&As after shows sometimes.

01:33:22.000 Like, number one question.

01:33:24.000 When's the next Protect Our Parks?

01:33:24.000 When's the next one?

01:33:25.000 But they take a year off your life, so you've got to spread them out a little bit.

01:33:28.000 You know, it's like, what's that?

01:33:31.000 The Tough Mudder.

01:33:32.000 Right, right.

01:33:33.000 You can't do them every weekend.

01:33:34.000 That one photo from the one where I had like 25 or 26 beers.

01:33:38.000 Every once in a while I see the photo, I'm like, oh my god.

01:33:41.000 What a nightmare that was.

01:33:43.000 But that is what people genuinely need.

01:33:45.000 They need bros.

01:33:47.000 Yes.

01:33:48.000 Having a good time as bros.

01:33:50.000 Yes.

01:33:51.000 With no restrictions.

01:33:52.000 Because they're doing it.

01:33:53.000 They want to.

01:33:54.000 If they can't, they wish they could.

01:33:56.000 Yeah.

01:33:56.000 They want to.

01:33:57.000 Everybody wants to.

01:33:58.000 I grew up doing this shit.

01:33:59.000 Every man wants to have fun.

01:34:01.000 I was really hoping I would stop doing this at some point.

01:34:04.000 No, never.

01:34:06.000 This was my first party in the woods in high school.

01:34:08.000 I was just like, well, I'm going to do this for the rest of my life.

01:34:11.000 At least now you're monetizing it, kind of.

01:34:13.000 You made it a living.

01:34:15.000 Listen, this is the best life.

01:34:17.000 This is the best life for guys.

01:34:19.000 Oh, 100%.

01:34:19.000 We are the luckiest fucking people that have ever lived.

01:34:22.000 Like, you had Jimmy Carr on, and he was talking like, he's like, I'm doing this today, then I'm going to Chappelle's thing.

01:34:27.000 Then I'm doing Kill Tony, then I'm doing The Mothership, then I'm doing an arena in fucking Scandinavia.

01:34:32.000 Best life.

01:34:33.000 What a life!

01:34:34.000 The best life.

01:34:35.000 Jimmy Carr was fucking hilarious.

01:34:37.000 He came out of the club with this new shit he's working on.

01:34:40.000 He just had a bunch of notes.

01:34:42.000 Oh my god, he was so good.

01:34:44.000 It was so fun to watch.

01:34:44.000 He's a beast.

01:34:46.000 When you watch a guy, he's just fucking dialed in.

01:34:51.000 Just dialed.

01:34:52.000 I saw him tell a story about what's his name fucking with him, too.

01:34:54.000 About me.

01:34:55.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:34:56.000 It's so funny because I remember it.

01:34:58.000 It's so funny.

01:34:58.000 Greg Giraldo.

01:34:59.000 Yeah, Greg Giraldo told him that Ari had cancer.

01:35:03.000 And then Greg Giraldo goes and dies, and Jimmy Carr's living with this, and then he sees Ari.

01:35:08.000 He's like, you look good.

01:35:10.000 He's like, what the fuck is going on?

01:35:10.000 You look good.

01:35:12.000 With half your face shaved?

01:35:13.000 No, no, this was like 10 years old.

01:35:15.000 I was like, no, it was only on one side.

01:35:17.000 It was fucking crazy.

01:35:19.000 It's like a cancer.

01:35:20.000 Appreciate it.

01:35:20.000 I was like, thanks, man.

01:35:21.000 And then a year later, I'd be like, so, you all right?

01:35:24.000 I'm like, What the fuck is going on?

01:35:26.000 But you're just weird-looking enough where you're like, yeah, he does look good.

01:35:29.000 He also said, like, when he told me that they said you had cancer, I'm like, what?

01:35:33.000 He goes, yeah, they said you had cancer, and that's why you're like that, because you don't care anymore.

01:35:37.000 I'm like, what?

01:35:39.000 Kobe!

01:35:40.000 He had cancer, and the guy's dying.

01:35:41.000 This was 15 years ago.

01:35:42.000 It was so crazy.

01:35:43.000 Let him spike your drink, he's dying.

01:35:45.000 That's so funny.

01:35:47.000 That's a nice fucking backup to have.

01:35:50.000 I wish people thought that.

01:35:51.000 Yeah.

01:35:51.000 They'd be like, yeah, he took a shit on stage.

01:35:53.000 You go, oh, he's getting cancer.

01:35:54.000 It's funny.

01:35:55.000 It was bloody, right?

01:35:56.000 It's bloody shit.

01:35:57.000 Geraldo said that to him and never told him any different.

01:36:05.000 And then got in a beer.

01:36:07.000 That's amazing.

01:36:08.000 Just fucked his head.

01:36:09.000 Love a comic.

01:36:09.000 Like I went to Harvard Law, too.

01:36:10.000 Love a comic.

01:36:11.000 Like a long burn of a joke.

01:36:14.000 Just waiting one day, years later, this joke will pay off.

01:36:17.000 That's amazing.

01:36:18.000 And I won't even be there.

01:36:20.000 I won't even be there.

01:36:23.000 Genius.

01:36:25.000 Gerald and I, we shared a parking lot when we were both on TV together.

01:36:30.000 The very first times we were both on TV.

01:36:32.000 When I was on news radio and he was on his own show.

01:36:34.000 He had his own show that was on the same lot.

01:36:36.000 I'd hang out with him at the lot all the time.

01:36:38.000 He had like a show about him being a lawyer.

01:36:40.000 That's why it works, though, right?

01:36:55.000 That's why it's so funny.

01:36:56.000 Oh, by the way, when's the new season?

01:36:58.000 June 5th.

01:36:59.000 Right now.

01:37:00.000 Go check it out on Netflix.

01:37:00.000 Today.

01:37:01.000 If you're listening to this, it's available right now.

01:37:03.000 Check it out.

01:37:04.000 Netflix.com to drop ship you a fucking CD.

01:37:07.000 Watch it.

01:37:08.000 Check your mailbox.

01:37:09.000 Check your mailbox right now.

01:37:10.000 It's going to be a DVD with tires.

01:37:12.000 Hopefully it didn't send you first season.

01:37:13.000 It's going to skip a little.

01:37:15.000 And while you're there, you can watch Ari Shaffir's special.

01:37:18.000 We all got shit on there.

01:37:20.000 That's right.

01:37:21.000 But yeah, tires.

01:37:24.000 You've managed to rein in trash Kyla in a way.

01:37:27.000 It's unrainable.

01:37:29.000 Everybody in the show plays literally themselves.

01:37:32.000 So Kylo was pretty easy.

01:37:35.000 What was the line?

01:37:36.000 Hold on.

01:37:37.000 I mean, she was my employee for a long time.

01:37:39.000 Ron White's in this season, right?

01:37:41.000 Ron White is, yeah.

01:37:42.000 Oh, fun.

01:37:43.000 What was the line you had before?

01:37:44.000 It was how to talk trash.

01:37:45.000 It was like, I spilled a coffee colada on my scratcher.

01:37:48.000 I was like, what?

01:37:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:37:50.000 Jeez.

01:37:52.000 Yeah, Ron fucking kills it.

01:37:53.000 Oh, he brought his own outfit in?

01:37:57.000 You're not going to believe it.

01:37:58.000 Ron plays himself.

01:37:59.000 Full Lebowski there.

01:38:01.000 That's all you'd want him to play.

01:38:03.000 Yeah, why fuck around?

01:38:04.000 He plays a washed-up NASCAR driver.

01:38:07.000 He's there for like a sign, like a meet-and-greet that no one shows up to.

01:38:12.000 That's pretty great.

01:38:15.000 Yeah, we had Woody Harrelson at the club last night.

01:38:18.000 Oh, was he there last night?

01:38:19.000 He's there a lot, man.

01:38:20.000 He's been there a lot.

01:38:21.000 I've missed him every fucking time.

01:38:23.000 He was a sweet, sweet man.

01:38:26.000 Doesn't have a phone, though.

01:38:27.000 Doesn't do email.

01:38:28.000 So if you want to get a hold of him, you've got to go through his wife.

01:38:31.000 You've got to run into him.

01:38:32.000 Like, he's smart.

01:38:33.000 He's protecting himself from bullshit.

01:38:35.000 The bullshit in the world.

01:38:36.000 He's like, I don't want to be a part of this.

01:38:38.000 I don't want to have a phone.

01:38:39.000 I got no social media.

01:38:41.000 I got no nothing.

01:38:42.000 I'm just a human, like I always was.

01:38:44.000 I was a human before this.

01:38:45.000 I'm staying a human.

01:38:46.000 It's really nice when you don't have a phone.

01:38:48.000 He's ear-to-ear.

01:38:49.000 He's the best.

01:38:49.000 He's walking on thin.

01:38:52.000 Is that it?

01:38:53.000 You don't want all that fucking input, man.

01:38:55.000 It's not good for you.

01:38:57.000 Also, nothing ever happens.

01:38:59.000 Nothing ever happens.

01:39:00.000 It's just like scrolling, scrolling.

01:39:01.000 Unless you live in Russia.

01:39:03.000 Right.

01:39:04.000 For us.

01:39:05.000 Man, I don't know.

01:39:06.000 We've got the Epstein file.

01:39:07.000 It's not changing.

01:39:07.000 You're right.

01:39:08.000 Why am I going to be aware of this?

01:39:10.000 Yeah.

01:39:11.000 I do.

01:39:11.000 I mean, I guess all of us remember before it, right?

01:39:14.000 You're the youngest.

01:39:15.000 Yeah.

01:39:16.000 But still, it's like, those were good.

01:39:18.000 Great times!

01:39:19.000 And so it's like, I get we have better stuff now, but like, parts of before were okay.

01:39:23.000 And not only were they great times, I'm so glad they weren't filmed.

01:39:27.000 Can you imagine if he had all that shit on film from taking a dump in your mouth?

01:39:31.000 You know, throwing up in the street and you gotta worry about somebody's filming you?

01:39:34.000 Yes!

01:39:35.000 Just the pure anxiety people are living with today.

01:39:39.000 People are living with, like, pure anxiety.

01:39:42.000 Like, on a level of just anxiety on your phone all day long.

01:39:45.000 Just giving you anxiety.

01:39:46.000 Stuff's terrible.

01:39:49.000 And then you wake up to fucking 20 texts.

01:39:52.000 They're like, what's up?

01:39:52.000 Yes.

01:39:53.000 From all these different people, you got to fucking...

01:39:56.000 Right, even that part.

01:39:57.000 That's not evil, but it's like...

01:40:02.000 I'm sending the dumbest replies.

01:40:04.000 You know how when you wake up and you...

01:40:10.000 No, I get it.

01:40:11.000 Yeah, it's 80 people coming at you to do...

01:40:11.000 I get it.

01:40:13.000 A show or something like that.

01:40:15.000 It's all nice.

01:40:15.000 And it's like, it's too much now.

01:40:17.000 I'm supposed to run into you and say, yes, I can do that date.

01:40:20.000 Yeah.

01:40:22.000 I need an answer now.

01:40:23.000 It's just constant.

01:40:24.000 I got all my buddies are in town.

01:40:26.000 All the Phillies.

01:40:28.000 All the Philly trash is here.

01:40:31.000 Tonight's going to get nuts.

01:40:33.000 Tonight is going to get nuts, and I was really hoping to avoid that.

01:40:36.000 What is the plan?

01:40:39.000 We'll do the show.

01:40:40.000 I guess we won't tell.

01:40:42.000 I knew we were doing a show.

01:40:45.000 When this airs tonight, but we'll tell it on time.

01:40:47.000 Well, at least we'll be safe in that green room.

01:40:49.000 Yeah, we'll be safe.

01:40:50.000 We're not going to be safe.

01:40:51.000 We're going to be at the fucking bar.

01:40:53.000 It's going to be a nightmare.

01:40:54.000 This is going to be a disaster.

01:40:55.000 We were talking about it yesterday, where it's like, what's the plan usually?

01:40:58.000 I'm like, okay, so we get way too fucked up.

01:41:01.000 Then we go shove meat in our mouth.

01:41:04.000 And then immediately, you're on in five.

01:41:06.000 I'm like, okay.

01:41:07.000 Run to the store, get up.

01:41:10.000 or the mothership, and then get up and be like, It'll get it all out.

01:41:17.000 You'll be good to go.

01:41:18.000 It's funny because I call it the store all the time.

01:41:20.000 Oh, right?

01:41:21.000 I even call it the main room.

01:41:22.000 That means you did it right.

01:41:23.000 Yeah, I don't even The main room and the Yeah.

01:41:25.000 Or the Yeah.

01:41:29.000 It's kind of a hybrid between the OR and the building room.

01:41:31.000 Because the main room is also the OR.

01:41:32.000 the OR is the main room.

01:41:34.000 In LA.

01:41:34.000 The main room at the club, at the mothership, is like, And then the other one is like if the OR and the belly room had a baby.

01:41:45.000 Yeah, I'm always like, you're going to the store tonight.

01:41:48.000 I mean, you built it with that in mind.

01:41:50.000 And Adam, he gets there.

01:41:51.000 He literally named the bar after Mitzi Shore.

01:41:53.000 Fucking gay.

01:41:54.000 He's the best.

01:41:55.000 He's the best.

01:41:56.000 I love him so much.

01:41:57.000 He might be my favorite homosexual of all time.

01:41:59.000 He's not gay anymore.

01:42:00.000 Holocaust denier.

01:42:01.000 He's not gay no more.

01:42:02.000 He cured it.

01:42:03.000 He is delivered.

01:42:04.000 I like women.

01:42:05.000 I like women.

01:42:08.000 How long after that video did that guy suck a dick?

01:42:11.000 Did he wait a week that night?

01:42:13.000 That fucking dick.

01:42:13.000 10 minutes.

01:42:15.000 Why are you gay?

01:42:16.000 First dick you saw.

01:42:17.000 It's like, I'm not gay no more.

01:42:19.000 This ain't even a dick.

01:42:21.000 Oh, it's not?

01:42:22.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:42:24.000 The devil's tricking you into believing my delicious penis is a dick.

01:42:28.000 But for a moment, he believed it.

01:42:30.000 The way we're all like, I'm not gonna do this one evil thing anymore.

01:42:34.000 That's the most brutal thing about homophobia.

01:42:39.000 Fine, I'll do a little coke.

01:42:41.000 How many times do you quit drinking for a week or quit weed for a week and then not made it that night?

01:42:45.000 Alright, so last week, I was like, alright, I gotta take a week off.

01:42:51.000 Fucking giant storm comes through Texas.

01:42:53.000 My power was out for three days.

01:42:55.000 Wow.

01:42:56.000 Wow.

01:42:56.000 Day three, I'm sitting in a hot house going...

01:43:01.000 Actually, I went right there.

01:43:02.000 Kelly's?

01:43:03.000 Yeah, they gave me this shirt.

01:43:04.000 They gave me this on Thursday.

01:43:06.000 There you go.

01:43:07.000 I got hammered.

01:43:11.000 Where's Kelly's?

01:43:12.000 I have no idea.

01:43:12.000 Where is that?

01:43:13.000 Kelly's Irish pub?

01:43:15.000 Is that here?

01:43:16.000 It's in Austin?

01:43:17.000 Yeah, shit rules.

01:43:17.000 Oh, no shit.

01:43:18.000 I've heard of that place.

01:43:19.000 The place was actually really great.

01:43:20.000 That's nice.

01:43:21.000 The owners, they're all Irish.

01:43:23.000 Irish people have exported the proper bar the best way.

01:43:27.000 The Irish bar is the same in every country in the world.

01:43:30.000 Yeah, they figured out the best place.

01:43:32.000 Is there an Irish pub in town?

01:43:34.000 People always ask that.

01:43:35.000 And it is the same.

01:43:37.000 Well, they're not blaring techno and all this shit.

01:43:39.000 Yeah, it's dark and you drink.

01:43:40.000 Yes, like you should.

01:43:41.000 A couple old Guinness signs.

01:43:42.000 It's like Ireland.

01:43:43.000 Do they play music at the Irish pub?

01:43:46.000 I think they actually have Irish music, like a live band called.

01:43:50.000 I think it's actually pretty sick.

01:43:53.000 The owner was the fucking man.

01:43:55.000 He gave me a bunch of...

01:43:57.000 Yeah, whatever.

01:43:58.000 That's one of the good things about...

01:44:00.000 He gave me some fucking IRA stuff.

01:44:03.000 I don't know if he gets in trouble.

01:44:05.000 Somebody gave me some Nazi money.

01:44:06.000 I have a wall for my You Be Trippin' podcast.

01:44:08.000 I put money up there from different countries.

01:44:11.000 Somebody's like, want some Nazi money?

01:44:12.000 I'm like, yeah, I want it.

01:44:13.000 For sure.

01:44:14.000 I was thinking about buying a fucking Adolf Hitler autograph.

01:44:17.000 It might as well.

01:44:19.000 And I don't know what's going on.

01:44:21.000 He'll sell you one.

01:44:22.000 Yeah, but you can buy them.

01:44:23.000 You can buy them.

01:44:24.000 They're really expensive, but you can buy an...

01:44:28.000 Yeah.

01:44:29.000 I mean, it's got to be worth a ton of money.

01:44:31.000 Yeah, no, and then I figure maybe when I'm...

01:44:38.000 The most evil man.

01:44:39.000 Maybe someday it'll be like Genghis Khan's autograph.

01:44:41.000 Exactly.

01:44:42.000 Of course.

01:44:42.000 It won't be forbidden anymore.

01:44:44.000 After like a thousand years.

01:44:44.000 Of course.

01:44:46.000 You're not revering him.

01:44:47.000 You're just like, he was notable.

01:44:48.000 That's the thing.

01:44:48.000 The most famous guy ever.

01:44:48.000 I know.

01:44:49.000 There's somebody who's like, I was reading Mein Kampf just to read it, but she was reading it on the bus, so she had to go...

01:44:57.000 Yeah, but you can get in trouble just having that.

01:45:00.000 You gotta get a book cover on that thing.

01:45:02.000 Few outstanding, very original document letters signed, autographed by Adolf Eichmann.

01:45:07.000 $7,800.

01:45:09.000 $7,700.

01:45:10.000 That's not bad for a fuck.

01:45:12.000 Adolf Eichmann?

01:45:13.000 Not just on a piece of paper.

01:45:19.000 It's not Adolf Hitler.

01:45:25.000 I can't believe you can just buy Nazi stuff.

01:45:30.000 It's in thrift stores too.

01:45:32.000 Look at that arm sleeve.

01:45:37.000 Officer's sleeve eagle.

01:45:39.000 From a guy's fucking uniform.

01:45:39.000 Hell yeah.

01:45:42.000 Damn.

01:45:42.000 See what I mean?

01:45:43.000 That guy killed your grandpa.

01:45:44.000 180 bucks.

01:45:46.000 I could spend fucking 500 bucks.

01:45:49.000 That's only 480 bucks?

01:45:50.000 That's crazy.

01:45:51.000 I have a new It's a new version of that.

01:45:53.000 The Chinese made new money to give it up for the workers during COVID.

01:45:59.000 And it's all these scientists on their bills.

01:46:02.000 They made a whole new bill.

01:46:03.000 Really?

01:46:04.000 Interesting.

01:46:05.000 Interesting.

01:46:05.000 I swear to God.

01:46:06.000 These are the people that caused the pandemic.

01:46:08.000 See, every time I've brought this up, people get upset.

01:46:12.000 He's a polarizing figure.

01:46:14.000 Of course he's polarizing.

01:46:16.000 I know, but I'm not like Hitler's the man.

01:46:20.000 Yeah, you're really guessing.

01:46:22.000 Because someone just edited that part.

01:46:23.000 Yeah.

01:46:24.000 Oh, man.

01:46:25.000 No, but it's like, he's the worst.

01:46:28.000 Of course.

01:46:29.000 Edit this part.

01:46:30.000 He's the biggest faggot that's ever lived.

01:46:31.000 Sure.

01:46:32.000 Actually, Mao is worse.

01:46:34.000 Wait, wait, that's so funny.

01:46:35.000 I mean, it's a whatever bit, but like...

01:46:40.000 That's true.

01:46:41.000 But he's like top five all time.

01:46:44.000 Top five.

01:46:45.000 Biggest fucking turds on earth.

01:46:45.000 Yeah.

01:46:47.000 He's the Michael Jordan of faggots.

01:46:48.000 Cranked out of his mind the entire time.

01:46:50.000 Yeah.

01:46:51.000 Like a poster boy for don't do drugs.

01:46:54.000 It was actually Eichmann was drove it more because Hitler was like whatever you need to go.

01:46:58.000 Eichmann was the one.

01:46:59.000 That's where I think I remember is him going let's find we need an other.

01:47:02.000 He was a smarter one about it because we need some other.

01:47:05.000 And he goes, let's do the Jews.

01:47:06.000 They stay to themselves.

01:47:07.000 But he was like, well, anyone will do.

01:47:09.000 Really?

01:47:10.000 He was the writer of all of it.

01:47:13.000 And Adolph was like, that'll help us get nationalism going.

01:47:16.000 So he was like the Dick Cheney to George W?

01:47:18.000 Yeah.

01:47:18.000 The guy behind the scenes.

01:47:19.000 Just let me speak.

01:47:20.000 Tell me who.

01:47:22.000 We found out Dick Cheney's still alive the other day.

01:47:25.000 Yeah.

01:47:25.000 Isn't that interesting?

01:47:26.000 I thought it's like a Berenstain Bears, Mandela effect thing.

01:47:29.000 I thought he was dead.

01:47:30.000 No, he endorsed Kamala Harris and they bragged about it.

01:47:33.000 Oh, that's right.

01:47:34.000 Oh, yeah, David Smith pointed out.

01:47:36.000 Yeah, yeah, someone with visual.

01:47:37.000 Yeah, dude, I'm so towards Washington.

01:47:39.000 It might be real, it says.

01:47:40.000 Bro, $240,000.

01:47:42.000 You got this, Shane.

01:47:43.000 What is that, his flask?

01:47:44.000 George Washington's powder flask.

01:47:50.000 Washington.

01:47:50.000 That might be real.

01:47:52.000 You can have that at your house.

01:47:52.000 See what I mean?

01:47:53.000 That's pretty dope.

01:47:54.000 But that's the founding father.

01:47:56.000 Same, same, but different.

01:47:57.000 We should be drinking beers out of this.

01:48:00.000 Don't tell anybody they won't Google it.

01:48:02.000 He had fucking slaves.

01:48:03.000 He did.

01:48:05.000 The Napoleon hat.

01:48:06.000 Was that you who sent me that, Jamie?

01:48:08.000 I don't think so, no.

01:48:10.000 Napoleon's hat is up for auction.

01:48:12.000 Hell yeah.

01:48:13.000 How do you know if it's really his hat, though?

01:48:14.000 You know how many hats I have?

01:48:17.000 I have a pretty distinct fucking hats.

01:48:19.000 I literally have a thousand baseball hats.

01:48:21.000 If somebody sold my hats, you can sell my hats.

01:48:23.000 Yeah, but you wouldn't know.

01:48:24.000 But you wouldn't know if it's his or just even created it like that?

01:48:26.000 I wouldn't even know if you sold one of my hats.

01:48:28.000 I remember an old, old pod we were doing at your place.

01:48:32.000 At your house.

01:48:33.000 That's how old it was.

01:48:34.000 And it was like, we were talking about art from like the whatever era.

01:48:37.000 And you're like, well, this one's hella old.

01:48:38.000 We're like, how do you know?

01:48:39.000 And it was like, oh yeah, I guess.

01:48:41.000 Yeah, you have no idea.

01:48:42.000 I don't really know.

01:48:42.000 Just painting.

01:48:43.000 Somebody told me it's all right.

01:48:44.000 Yeah.

01:48:45.000 There's a lot of lies out there.

01:48:46.000 Just looks.

01:48:46.000 A lot of fake paints.

01:48:47.000 A lot of dudes.

01:48:49.000 I mean, it looks good.

01:48:50.000 That's badass.

01:48:52.000 I think it's pretty expensive.

01:48:54.000 How much is that, bitch?

01:48:55.000 A million bucks?

01:48:56.000 One auction went for, what, $2 million?

01:48:59.000 $2.1, I think it said.

01:49:00.000 How much is Judges 63rd?

01:49:02.000 Jesus Christ, who wants that?

01:49:04.000 Imagine you got so much money, you spent $2 million on a hat.

01:49:07.000 You don't want to jack off wearing a Napoleon hat?

01:49:09.000 I do want to.

01:49:10.000 I do now.

01:49:11.000 I didn't until you brought it up.

01:49:13.000 You gotta wear that while doing doggy.

01:49:14.000 I want to do it in front of a full-length mirror, flexing.

01:49:17.000 Did we talk about what Hitler did to Napoleon?

01:49:20.000 Did we talk about this already?

01:49:22.000 When Napoleon's tomb, everyone had to bow their head together.

01:49:24.000 And Hitler built a series of mirrors so he wouldn't have to bow so he could look at it without bowing down.

01:49:29.000 That's wild.

01:49:30.000 It was before I go in.

01:49:31.000 Yeah.

01:49:32.000 I'd change all the mirrors so he could just go, you didn't get me, Napoleon.

01:49:35.000 But he loved them.

01:49:36.000 Yeah.

01:49:37.000 Interesting.

01:49:38.000 Interesting.

01:49:38.000 Yeah.

01:49:39.000 Every once in a while you hear a Hitler story where you go, God.

01:49:41.000 Damn, that was pretty sick.

01:49:43.000 Shit on my chest to get hard.

01:49:45.000 I feel that way about a lot of them.

01:49:45.000 I love it.

01:49:47.000 I don't know.

01:49:49.000 They told us, and I could see them.

01:49:51.000 That's being propaganda for Jim Hughes.

01:49:53.000 He was pretty stupid.

01:49:54.000 That's very meth-y.

01:49:55.000 Shit on my chest.

01:49:57.000 It might have been accidental shit on meth.

01:49:59.000 He did some meth.

01:50:00.000 As soon as you hear about a guy doing meth, you're like, oh.

01:50:03.000 Everything goes from that.

01:50:04.000 Yeah, meth.

01:50:05.000 Oh, he's doing mad.

01:50:06.000 The book I read about him, he was, by the end he was just sitting by his fire and you just had to listen to him tell stories and he would be on meth and he'd be screaming for hours.

01:50:15.000 I did for shit for I shouldn't even be doing this war.

01:50:23.000 I didn't even want to do it, but fucking Churchill made me.

01:50:27.000 I'm the best architect that's ever lived.

01:50:29.000 Everybody thinks he thought he was a great artist.

01:50:31.000 He thought he was the greatest architect.

01:50:33.000 This is Elvis.

01:50:35.000 With karate.

01:50:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:50:37.000 Look out, man.

01:50:38.000 No one can tell him.

01:50:39.000 That's right.

01:50:40.000 The Elvis karate shirt.

01:50:41.000 Oh, my God.

01:50:42.000 Oh, my God.

01:50:44.000 Shout out to Roots of Fight.

01:50:46.000 Yeah, Elvis would get pilled up, and they'd pretend that he was good at karate.

01:50:50.000 And dudes were just like, I can't believe you're doing this to me.

01:50:52.000 They would try to move him, and he'd put his neck out there and stop them from moving.

01:50:56.000 That's kind of nice.

01:50:57.000 That's kind of nice.

01:50:59.000 His liver was redlining all day long.

01:51:05.000 Just be like, I'm the best fighter I've ever done.

01:51:08.000 We went to Graceland.

01:51:09.000 That's right.

01:51:10.000 We were there at the same time.

01:51:11.000 We did a Graceland tour.

01:51:12.000 The racquetball court where he died.

01:51:14.000 He had multiple TVs so we could watch every channel in existence all at once.

01:51:17.000 We had four TVs.

01:51:18.000 Come on, man.

01:51:19.000 That was big back then.

01:51:20.000 Four TVs was crazy.

01:51:22.000 I thought it was on a turtlet.

01:51:23.000 Outside his racquetball court.

01:51:25.000 He was playing racquetball.

01:51:26.000 He said, I'm going to take a shit.

01:51:27.000 He had a separate house for racquetball.

01:51:29.000 He's like, well, those kids that got the vaccine, you just immediately have a heart attack.

01:51:33.000 He's Heather McDonald.

01:51:35.000 Yeah, he couldn't sleep, so he started playing racquetball, and he called a guy at 3 a.m.

01:51:40.000 Get down here.

01:51:40.000 Like, gotta come play with me.

01:51:41.000 Come on, man.

01:51:41.000 Get down here.

01:51:42.000 Fucking beat your ass in racquetball with the Kang.

01:51:42.000 Come on, man.

01:51:44.000 Your eldest.

01:51:44.000 Come on, play with the Kang.

01:51:45.000 I'm like, eh.

01:51:46.000 He was like, I gotta take a dump, and there it was.

01:51:48.000 He was the first super famous guy.

01:51:53.000 What about Hitler?

01:51:53.000 You think?

01:51:54.000 Yeah, different kind of famous.

01:51:56.000 Was he 60s?

01:51:58.000 50s?

01:51:59.000 When was he?

01:51:59.000 Well, started in the 60s.

01:52:01.000 60s.

01:52:02.000 50s.

01:52:02.000 Yeah, started in the 50s, went into the 70s.

01:52:05.000 Yeah, there was nobody.

01:52:06.000 He died.

01:52:11.000 I want to say, '78, maybe?

01:52:13.000 He was already past the huge then.

01:52:16.000 He was still huge, though.

01:52:18.000 But he got big.

01:52:19.000 He got real fat and crazy and was just drugged out of his mind.

01:52:22.000 You ever see the video of him singing from Vegas?

01:52:25.000 Yeah, Unchained Melody is incredible.

01:52:28.000 Still amazing.

01:52:29.000 Bloated, dying.

01:52:31.000 Still.

01:52:32.000 His injury, I got something good.

01:52:33.000 He got his entrance in some place where it's like, don't.

01:52:41.000 The mic's there.

01:52:42.000 Walks this.

01:52:42.000 He's like this.

01:52:43.000 He's just going back and forth.

01:52:45.000 And then immediately goes and starts singing.

01:52:47.000 What a fucking entrance.

01:52:50.000 My whole life I hated Elvis.

01:52:52.000 I thought he sucked.

01:52:52.000 And then I watched him.

01:52:54.000 What's the hate?

01:52:55.000 Young Elvis is so in.

01:52:56.000 I guess whoever liked Elvis, I thought too popular.

01:52:56.000 I don't know.

01:52:59.000 It's too obvious.

01:52:59.000 Right, right.

01:53:01.000 It's too obvious, but it's really good.

01:53:03.000 It's like ACDC.

01:53:06.000 Bitch, listen to Long Way to the Top.

01:53:09.000 Listen to that fucking song.

01:53:10.000 It's a long way!

01:53:12.000 If you don't like that song, you don't like America.

01:53:15.000 You don't like freedom.

01:53:17.000 You don't like hard work.

01:53:18.000 Shut the fuck up.

01:53:19.000 It's just too easy.

01:53:21.000 Elvis was too easy.

01:53:22.000 Fat, unchained melody.

01:53:23.000 Bro, he was so good.

01:53:25.000 He was so good.

01:53:26.000 Look how big he was.

01:53:26.000 Look at him.

01:53:27.000 Come on, man.

01:53:28.000 Damn.

01:53:29.000 Panette.

01:53:29.000 And he wasn't that old.

01:53:31.000 Yeah, what is he there?

01:53:32.000 40?

01:53:33.000 Funny we call him that fast.

01:53:34.000 He looks better than me.

01:53:38.000 Look at this.

01:53:39.000 Well, compared to how hot he was, he was like a hot guy.

01:53:41.000 Oh, he was so hot when he was young.

01:53:43.000 He was like the first black, white guy.

01:53:46.000 Is that the general?

01:53:47.000 Yeah.

01:53:48.000 You know, he was like the first wigger.

01:53:49.000 Is that the general right there?

01:53:50.000 Show me the right keys.

01:53:52.000 It's a different guy, different handler?

01:53:52.000 No.

01:53:53.000 No, I think that's one of his musicians.

01:53:56.000 So I heard Dolly talking about him.

01:53:57.000 Oh, he's cranked out of his fucking mind.

01:54:00.000 Dolly Llama?

01:54:01.000 Oh, this is nice.

01:54:03.000 I just recorded it and it, I don't know.

01:54:07.000 Is it out?

01:54:09.000 About two weeks.

01:54:10.000 Two weeks to be out?

01:54:11.000 He's not being no different than Winehouse late.

01:54:14.000 Wow!

01:54:15.000 You're thinking, how's this guy going to do this?

01:54:17.000 You're thinking, he's out of his mind.

01:54:20.000 He's in another dimension right now.

01:54:21.000 He's on uppers or downers?

01:54:22.000 You can hear how quiet the room is.

01:54:24.000 They're going, God damn.

01:54:25.000 This is like O 'Connor before he goes on drunk.

01:54:28.000 He's like, he'll be fine.

01:54:29.000 He'll figure it out.

01:54:30.000 That's funny.

01:54:31.000 I'll tell you in a second.

01:54:33.000 I was nervous about that.

01:54:36.000 Cranked out of his mind.

01:54:38.000 Listen to how good this is.

01:54:39.000 Wow.

01:54:40.000 Wow.

01:54:45.000 I can't get a mic stand?

01:54:48.000 That's the point.

01:54:49.000 Wow.

01:54:50.000 Time goes by so slowly, and time can do so much for you.

01:54:50.000 Wow.

01:55:13.000 Still now.

01:55:15.000 Wow!

01:55:16.000 God damn!

01:55:18.000 That's so good!

01:55:19.000 Oh, it's so good.

01:55:20.000 It was a...

01:55:25.000 Man, do you remember him shitting?

01:55:26.000 Makiber, before my special.

01:55:28.000 Damn, that's good.

01:55:29.000 We made that exact joke about O'Connor...

01:55:36.000 And then even then, it'd be like Fat Elvis on Jane Mountain.

01:55:39.000 I'm just going to the green room.

01:55:44.000 Do it.

01:55:47.000 Goddamn, that was good.

01:55:48.000 I mean, if you heard that guy talking before, if you were in the audience, like, oh no, we came to the wrong night.

01:55:54.000 You see, they're going, is this song out yet?

01:55:55.000 They go, two weeks, game.

01:55:56.000 It's just pure talent that'll overcome the obstacles.

01:56:00.000 Look how sweaty he is, dude.

01:56:02.000 Chubby some more this Jamie Oh He's launching this song right now?

01:56:10.000 He's showing it to them.

01:56:11.000 He's like, I know you're about to hear it all time.

01:56:13.000 They haven't even heard it yet.

01:56:14.000 Whoa!

01:56:15.000 That's a much fun song.

01:56:25.000 Damn!

01:56:26.000 My darling I've hungered for your love A long, lonely time Time goes by With a little so lonely And time can do so

01:56:55.000 much All you still want Woo!

01:57:04.000 Still hits.

01:57:11.000 God damn!

01:57:11.000 I need your love.

01:57:13.000 You guys are allegedly on Mushrooms.

01:57:14.000 That must have been fucking nice.

01:57:17.000 Man.

01:57:18.000 That's so good.

01:57:19.000 That is one fat talent.

01:57:20.000 That's what we live for.

01:57:22.000 We live for, like, if you could belt out one of them moments in your life, you did it.

01:57:26.000 Yeah.

01:57:27.000 One of those moments.

01:57:28.000 I mean, this guy had a ton of them.

01:57:30.000 But one of those moments.

01:57:31.000 And nobody had ever gotten that famous before.

01:57:34.000 Nobody had ever, like, nobody gets that famous ever and doesn't go crazy.

01:57:38.000 But nobody had ever gotten that famous before.

01:57:41.000 Elvis.

01:57:42.000 He was the first.

01:57:43.000 Yeah.

01:57:43.000 It's also, you go to his house, it's not that big.

01:57:46.000 Like, your house is probably the same size as Elvis's.

01:57:46.000 Oh, right.

01:57:48.000 No, it's pretty nice.

01:57:50.000 Come on, man.

01:57:50.000 Who?

01:57:51.000 Come on.

01:57:52.000 Oh, really?

01:57:52.000 I love a big-ass house, man.

01:57:54.000 Oh, okay.

01:57:55.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:57:55.000 Come over and watch me do a little jujitsu.

01:57:56.000 First of all, which house?

01:58:00.000 I was just saying, you see, like, a little Bow Wow.

01:58:02.000 I know.

01:58:02.000 He's got a suburban house.

01:58:04.000 It's just a house in the burbs.

01:58:05.000 That's all.

01:58:06.000 You don't need a big house.

01:58:08.000 If I was by myself, I'd have a regular house.

01:58:10.000 Yeah, you would.

01:58:12.000 It's all nonsense.

01:58:13.000 It's just where you live.

01:58:15.000 That's the first thing I figured out when I came to Hollywood.

01:58:17.000 I was 27 years old.

01:58:18.000 That was the first time I ever had a nice apartment in my life.

01:58:20.000 I had a loft.

01:58:21.000 I had a fucking pool table.

01:58:22.000 I was like, this is sick.

01:58:24.000 And then I'm like, oh, this is just where I live.

01:58:27.000 I felt like, oh, that's another trick you've got to be aware of.

01:58:30.000 Like this idea of always getting a bigger, better...

01:58:34.000 It's always just where you live.

01:58:35.000 This is all you need.

01:58:36.000 A place that's safe, that has a TV.

01:58:39.000 You have a kitchen, you have a TV.

01:58:41.000 No playground next to you to wake you up.

01:58:42.000 Yeah, you don't want anything crazy and loud.

01:58:44.000 You don't want to be near a train station.

01:58:45.000 I'm thinking about buying a house, and I'm like, I'm literally just going to hang out in two rooms.

01:58:49.000 I'm going to walk from my bed to the fucking couch.

01:58:51.000 The only time it changes is if you have a family.

01:58:54.000 You have a family, then you want a yard, then you want a pool.

01:58:57.000 Do you want a lot of things?

01:58:58.000 Or do you want a dog?

01:58:59.000 Yeah, you want to have a room to be like, I don't know where to put this.

01:59:02.000 I always had dogs.

01:59:05.000 I've always had dogs, so I always have a big yard.

01:59:08.000 I'm like, that's the thing.

01:59:09.000 That's the only reason why I never bought Cresthill.

01:59:12.000 The house above the store?

01:59:14.000 You thought about buying it?

01:59:15.000 Yes, I went to look at it.

01:59:17.000 Because it was like, Sam Kinison used to live there.

01:59:19.000 I'm like, this would be crazy to own this fucking house.

01:59:22.000 I had a crazy dog, and that yard was too little.

01:59:25.000 I was like, he'll find a way out.

01:59:26.000 Sam Kinston pissed on Marc Maron's bed up there.

01:59:29.000 Whoa!

01:59:31.000 What the fuck?

01:59:32.000 Imagine if that was on YouTube.

01:59:33.000 100 million views.

01:59:35.000 All over his bed, just standing up.

01:59:38.000 Wow, that's a credit.

01:59:39.000 That's Marc and his territory.

01:59:41.000 That's what your cat does.

01:59:42.000 That's why you gotta get him spayed.

01:59:45.000 Easy.

01:59:47.000 Spay and neuter your pets.

01:59:48.000 I'm Bob Barker.

01:59:49.000 Wow, what a weird thing he had.

01:59:52.000 That was his big cause.

01:59:53.000 That was his big thing.

01:59:55.000 Spay and neuter your pets.

01:59:57.000 Turn your dogs trans.

01:59:59.000 Everyone, turn your dogs trans.

02:00:01.000 It's important to have a trans dog.

02:00:03.000 How about just don't let your dog fuck random dogs?

02:00:05.000 Especially when your name's Bob Barker.

02:00:07.000 Oh, shit.

02:00:08.000 I never put that together.

02:00:10.000 What a fucking freak.

02:00:12.000 What a freak.

02:00:13.000 What a freak.

02:00:14.000 What was his real name?

02:00:16.000 K. Stevens.

02:00:21.000 That's not a good joke.

02:00:23.000 That's a good joke.

02:00:24.000 That's a solid joke.

02:00:26.000 That's a solid joke.

02:00:28.000 Come on, that made me laugh.

02:00:30.000 In this room, that's a solid joke.

02:00:32.000 Right now, it's good.

02:00:33.000 With three people laughing, that's a solid audience of three.

02:00:37.000 Jamie, were you laughing at that?

02:00:38.000 No.

02:00:39.000 Did you see that Stan Hope had uploaded a pilot they found of the Mitch Hedberg project they made back in 2001?

02:00:50.000 No way!

02:00:51.000 This looks like it's about to be some Sam Hyde stuff.

02:00:54.000 No, it's like a TV show they made.

02:00:56.000 Oh, cool.

02:00:57.000 Sam Hyde stuff.

02:00:58.000 You know that Sam Hyde thing where he sits down just with the fucking the chair and is like breaking down things that are going on in the world?

02:01:05.000 Oh, no, I don't know that.

02:01:06.000 You ever seen that video?

02:01:07.000 Yes.

02:01:07.000 It went fuck- You've seen it, right?

02:01:10.000 Yeah, I'm friends with him.

02:01:11.000 He's doing his premiere for Million Dollar Extreme 2. In Austin on Sunday.

02:01:17.000 What does that mean?

02:01:18.000 It's an adult show.

02:01:18.000 They had a sketch show called Million Dollar Extreme.

02:01:20.000 It was funny.

02:01:21.000 And it got canceled off Adult Swim.

02:01:23.000 Oh, that's right.

02:01:24.000 And now they've made it again.

02:01:26.000 He's a little too wild.

02:01:28.000 He's a wild fucking boy.

02:01:29.000 He's a little wild.

02:01:31.000 You ever see Moms or Mothers?

02:01:32.000 What is it?

02:01:33.000 That's a brilliant one.

02:01:34.000 What is it?

02:01:35.000 He writes a script.

02:01:36.000 Oh, man.

02:01:36.000 He realizes he can get some local, I'll try to be an actress, to read the lines.

02:01:40.000 So they're like, oh, well, let's write crazy lines.

02:01:43.000 And they're reading these lines not knowing what it is.

02:01:45.000 It's something like, "Yes!" I am the curly-haired one.

02:01:50.000 I think we should try to fuck the curly-haired one.

02:01:53.000 It's crazy.

02:01:55.000 And they're just trying not to laugh so hard.

02:01:57.000 Him and Nick Rochefort is one of the funniest dudes I've ever met.

02:02:02.000 Those guys are pretty great.

02:02:03.000 Locking a bunch of homeless people in a fucking room and just let's watch them.

02:02:08.000 Hold on.

02:02:09.000 I don't agree with all this.

02:02:10.000 I think this one's wild.

02:02:11.000 Like bum fights, you mean?

02:02:12.000 No.

02:02:13.000 You're talking fish tank.

02:02:14.000 Bum live.

02:02:15.000 It's just like, it's real world.

02:02:17.000 You're saying fish tank.

02:02:18.000 Yeah, it's real world.

02:02:19.000 You get the craziest people playing together.

02:02:20.000 Isn't it funny, like, real world's okay because they're only mildly mentally ill.

02:02:23.000 But they always got a racist and a black on real world.

02:02:26.000 I'm like, let's put them in.

02:02:27.000 Producers.

02:02:27.000 They know how to make drama.

02:02:29.000 That's what he's doing.

02:02:30.000 Yeah.

02:02:30.000 Fish tank.

02:02:31.000 I mean, if you're gonna make a show, you can't just have a bunch of people hanging out and having a good time.

02:02:35.000 You need a bunch of catfights.

02:02:37.000 Even the Kardashians went after each other.

02:02:42.000 Remember that?

02:02:43.000 They're fucking swinging at each other, slapping at each other.

02:02:46.000 They're in the hallway.

02:02:47.000 One of them threw a leg kick.

02:02:49.000 Joe was watching, commentating.

02:02:52.000 I was watching.

02:02:54.000 People know how to throw leg kicks now.

02:02:55.000 That's like a new thing with street fights.

02:02:57.000 people throw leg kicks.

02:02:58.000 I saw it after...

02:03:02.000 It was Patriots versus Broncos.

02:03:06.000 So there's some fucking drunk Boston fans who were leaving and some old man talked some shit to him.

02:03:12.000 He goes, alright, better luck next time.

02:03:14.000 He's like, shut your mouth.

02:03:16.000 And then just leg kick to the face, knocked him out.

02:03:18.000 To the face?

02:03:19.000 No, we're talking leg kick.

02:03:20.000 Not to the face.

02:03:21.000 Oh, to the leg.

02:03:22.000 A leg kick.

02:03:23.000 Using the leg and kicking something in the face is just a regular leg.

02:03:25.000 It's not an arm punch.

02:03:26.000 He hit him with a head kick?

02:03:27.000 He opened up with a head kick?

02:03:29.000 He just spun and kicked him.

02:03:30.000 This guy was just a nice Denver resident.

02:03:33.000 Didn't know what he was getting into.

02:03:33.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:03:34.000 You never know who knows that jiu-jitsu shit now.

02:03:37.000 He hit him with a wheel kick?

02:03:38.000 Or he spun around?

02:03:39.000 Spun around.

02:03:40.000 Spinning fucking back heel.

02:03:41.000 Wow.

02:03:42.000 Spinning heel kick in front of his wife?

02:03:43.000 Yeah.

02:03:44.000 Oh, God.

02:03:45.000 He was like 60. Oh, no.

02:03:47.000 Yeah, you can't do that.

02:03:48.000 Yeah, it was pretty brutal.

02:03:48.000 60?

02:03:49.000 That's how people die, and then you go to jail for the rest of your life for looking cool.

02:03:52.000 I think it was me and Simone.

02:03:54.000 I'll show people.

02:03:54.000 Use my karate skills.

02:03:56.000 Yeah.

02:03:57.000 Yeah, I mean, karate guys and MMA guys should not be allowed to drink.

02:03:57.000 So dangerous.

02:04:02.000 Yeah, true.

02:04:03.000 They're usually pretty cool.

02:04:04.000 Imagine getting drunk with something while he doesn't do anything.

02:04:06.000 He's sober.

02:04:07.000 Sean Strickland.

02:04:08.000 If I could do a cool kick, you're doing it.

02:04:11.000 I'm fucking kicking everybody.

02:04:13.000 The second I start drinking, I go, what did you fucking say, Jamie, about Ohio State, you motherfucker?

02:04:19.000 Oh, Jamie, can you bring up Michigan walking into Ohio State Stadium?

02:04:25.000 Nice change of subject.

02:04:26.000 The thing is, though, I don't think you would do it if you could do it.

02:04:29.000 True, yeah.

02:04:30.000 I guess it humbles you a little bit.

02:04:31.000 Yeah, you don't care.

02:04:32.000 I could do it.

02:04:32.000 I don't do it to anybody.

02:04:33.000 That's what I noticed about going to UFC's, the backstage stuff, is they're so quiet and just very chill, meek people.

02:04:40.000 Very nice.

02:04:41.000 I don't know.

02:04:41.000 I've hung out with Nate a lot.

02:04:42.000 Nate's not an animal.

02:04:44.000 He's a different animal.

02:04:46.000 But that's also why he's such a superstar.

02:04:47.000 Everybody loves him, because he's the same guy.

02:04:50.000 It's also why he's great fighting.

02:04:52.000 Absolutely.

02:04:53.000 Genuinely doesn't give a fuck.

02:04:54.000 Leon Edwards is my favorite fight I've ever seen.

02:04:56.000 Yeah, when he cracked him with the left hand, then pointed at him.

02:04:58.000 It's my favorite moment.

02:05:00.000 For four straight rounds, Leon's doing moves.

02:05:04.000 Like, trying shit.

02:05:05.000 Spinning elbow to the forehead, and it just goes...

02:05:05.000 Yeah.

02:05:10.000 Yeah, fucking gay ass spin.

02:05:13.000 Fucking gay bullshit.

02:05:14.000 Come here.

02:05:16.000 He's trying to come back to the UFC.

02:05:18.000 I hope so.

02:05:19.000 Yeah, I was reading articles.

02:05:20.000 I don't know if it's substantiated.

02:05:21.000 Money's there.

02:05:22.000 Fuck yeah.

02:05:23.000 That guy?

02:05:24.000 He's a superstar.

02:05:25.000 That guy shows up.

02:05:26.000 He'll fight anyone.

02:05:27.000 Bro, I always said that he was the most underappreciated superstar during the Conor McGregor times.

02:05:32.000 I was like, you guys are missing out.

02:05:32.000 Oh, yeah.

02:05:34.000 Like, you got Conor McGregor, but Nate Diaz just beat him and said, I'm not surprised, motherfucker.

02:05:40.000 Not just like, I can't believe it.

02:05:41.000 It wasn't Storm the Field, guys.

02:05:43.000 I'm not surprised, motherfucker.

02:05:44.000 What the fuck's a gazelle?

02:05:46.000 That's what got me into the sport.

02:05:49.000 I was at that one with Epstein.

02:05:49.000 What about this?

02:05:51.000 Oh, my God.

02:05:52.000 Amazing.

02:05:53.000 It was like, what?

02:05:55.000 Epstein.

02:05:56.000 This jiu-jitsu guy.

02:05:58.000 He caught a dude in a triangle.

02:06:00.000 Caught a dude in a triangle and then did a double flex.

02:06:05.000 While he had him in a triangle, like fully locked up.

02:06:09.000 Einstein, Einstein.

02:06:10.000 Amazing.

02:06:10.000 Damn.

02:06:11.000 His name was Einstein?

02:06:12.000 Yeah, his name was Einstein.

02:06:13.000 Nice going, Einstein.

02:06:15.000 What does he do in off-season?

02:06:17.000 How does he make money?

02:06:18.000 Nate?

02:06:18.000 Well, he got...

02:06:21.000 He had a boxing match with Jorge Masvidal.

02:06:25.000 He won.

02:06:25.000 He won, but they didn't give him the money.

02:06:29.000 See if that got resolved.

02:06:32.000 There was a crazy thing.

02:06:34.000 You have these fly-by-night promotions, and sometimes they're not funded correctly.

02:06:38.000 Like any black room?

02:06:39.000 We'll send you the check and give it to me now.

02:06:41.000 Give it to me now.

02:06:43.000 That's the wrong show.

02:06:45.000 I don't know what you're talking about.

02:06:46.000 Jamie, delete all the stuff I said about Hillary.

02:06:48.000 I had that with a mob club I used to work for in Connecticut.

02:06:52.000 Get paid if you're lucky.

02:06:53.000 Yeah, if you're lucky.

02:06:54.000 I saw you almost fucking beat a guy in Vancouver Island.

02:06:57.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:58.000 He's like, I'll send it to you later.

02:06:59.000 I've never seen him because the checks were always from him.

02:07:01.000 They're coming.

02:07:02.000 What happened?

02:07:03.000 He goes, no, we got to send it.

02:07:04.000 He goes, bro, he went into the back.

02:07:06.000 Yeah.

02:07:07.000 He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

02:07:08.000 Write the check now.

02:07:10.000 Pay me now!

02:07:11.000 Yeah, that guy was super sketchy.

02:07:15.000 Talking about his balance and his...

02:07:18.000 These have to clear.

02:07:19.000 Suze reported $9 million.

02:07:21.000 So they robbed him out of $9 million.

02:07:24.000 Pre-fight deal in place.

02:07:26.000 Promoter, blah, blah, blah.

02:07:28.000 Yeah, so he beat him, but he's owed $9 million.

02:07:31.000 I hope he gets his money.

02:07:32.000 Damn.

02:07:32.000 Me too.

02:07:33.000 It's hard to get money on a person who doesn't have any money, though.

02:07:36.000 That's impossible.

02:07:37.000 That's the problem.

02:07:37.000 You get an old Ferrari.

02:07:38.000 Yeah.

02:07:39.000 He could have his stuff.

02:07:40.000 But Nate does a...

02:07:42.000 they do like jujitsu shit.

02:07:47.000 Yeah.

02:07:47.000 Yeah, he does a lot of seminars.

02:07:48.000 They do that all the time.

02:07:49.000 Makes plenty of money doing seminars.

02:07:51.000 Nate's a legit jujitsu black belt.

02:07:53.000 Purple.

02:07:54.000 He always say purple, right?

02:07:56.000 As he was doing this, he was like, I'm just a purple belt.

02:07:59.000 Like, shut up, dude.

02:08:01.000 And his brother was one of the best of all time.

02:08:04.000 That was always cool.

02:08:05.000 Because any time I've hung out with Nate, I've never hung out with Nick, but he talks about Nick with this reverence.

02:08:12.000 That I've never seen anything like it.

02:08:12.000 There was a time...

02:08:14.000 People missed it because most of it happened in the Strikeforce days.

02:08:18.000 And, you know, it was a small...

02:08:21.000 Nick's Prime, he was a bad motherfucker, dude.

02:08:23.000 He was a terrifying guy because he had the most insane cardio that's ever existed.

02:08:28.000 This guy swam from Alcatraz to the shore.

02:08:34.000 What?

02:08:34.000 I said twice, and he corrected me online.

02:08:37.000 He said five times.

02:08:38.000 Since then, he's probably swam a bunch more, so it's probably like ten times now.

02:08:41.000 Holy shit.

02:08:43.000 Swim from Alcatraz in the ocean with the sharks, the thing that was supposed to keep people from ever escaping that island.

02:08:50.000 People voluntarily do it, and he's done it a ton of times.

02:08:53.000 His fucking cardio was off the charts, and you just couldn't keep his pace.

02:08:59.000 He'd put a pace on you and hit you with like 50% punches.

02:09:02.000 50% punches, but constantly having your face wise talking shit.

02:09:04.000 What are you going to do, bitch?

02:09:05.000 What are you going to do, bitch?

02:09:06.000 Pop, pop, pop, pop.

02:09:07.000 And then every now and then, rip one to the body.

02:09:09.000 Rip one to the body.

02:09:10.000 Pop, pop, pop.

02:09:11.000 And you're exhausted.

02:09:12.000 And you can't breathe.

02:09:13.000 Because when someone's punching you, you can't take a breath.

02:09:15.000 So even if he's only punching you like this, you're all tense.

02:09:20.000 He's relaxed.

02:09:22.000 He's a better boxer than you.

02:09:23.000 He's better at jiu-jitsu.

02:09:24.000 You going to take him down?

02:09:24.000 What are you going to do?

02:09:25.000 Like, what are you going to do?

02:09:27.000 How did he ever lose when he lost?

02:09:28.000 It got to a point where later in his career, everybody slows down.

02:09:34.000 But in Strikeforce, he was in his prime.

02:09:37.000 Frank Shamrock, Nick Diaz versus Frank Shamrock in Strikeforce, a great example.

02:09:42.000 Whoa, that's a fight.

02:09:43.000 He beat Shamrock.

02:09:44.000 He beat his ass.

02:09:45.000 But when he lost in his prime, how did he lose?

02:09:47.000 Well, he didn't really lose in his prime.

02:09:50.000 Well, he might have lost a couple of decisions in his prime in like three rounders.

02:09:54.000 I'd have to like go back and look at it.

02:09:56.000 But like he submitted Gomi, which is like this huge thing in Pride with a go-go plata, like off of his back while he was high.

02:10:03.000 He tested positive.

02:10:05.000 He was tested so positive after the fight that like he had to be fighting high.

02:10:11.000 Damn.

02:10:11.000 He'd be like, yeah.

02:10:12.000 Fuck yeah.

02:10:13.000 Fight high.

02:10:13.000 Let's go, bitch.

02:10:15.000 That new rock movie looks fun.

02:10:17.000 Oh, yeah.

02:10:18.000 Oh, The Smashing Machine?

02:10:19.000 I haven't seen it.

02:10:20.000 He's not gay.

02:10:20.000 But, yeah, the trailer is amazing.

02:10:23.000 Jamie, bring up Michigan walking onto the field versus Ohio State.

02:10:27.000 Oh, shit.

02:10:29.000 He won't do it.

02:10:31.000 He has the left.

02:10:32.000 He won't do it.

02:10:33.000 We're living high right now.

02:10:33.000 We won.

02:10:35.000 We don't need to go back to Michigan.

02:10:35.000 What'd you win?

02:10:36.000 Did you win Michigan?

02:10:37.000 No, we won the national championship.

02:10:38.000 What's this wee shit?

02:10:39.000 There's a lot of wee shit.

02:10:40.000 A lot of wee shit going on.

02:10:41.000 We did it.

02:10:42.000 We fucking did it.

02:10:43.000 Yeah, me and Nate almost beat Leon.

02:10:47.000 Man, when I slapped him, it was crazy.

02:10:49.000 We got the belt.

02:10:51.000 The bitch slaps.

02:10:52.000 That was the other thing.

02:10:52.000 Who'd hit you with bitch slaps?

02:10:55.000 It's crazy.

02:10:55.000 I never thought about the...

02:10:57.000 Because his punches were like...

02:11:02.000 Because if he went full, he'd tire himself out?

02:11:04.000 Exactly.

02:11:04.000 So he's putting a pace on you that you can't keep up with, and he's not hitting you at full blast.

02:11:04.000 For sure.

02:11:08.000 Like, Nick would throw kicks, like, for fun.

02:11:10.000 They were silly kicks.

02:11:11.000 Like, they were never going to hit you.

02:11:13.000 He would pretend to throw a wheel kick or throw a high kick.

02:11:17.000 He wasn't even trying to hit you.

02:11:18.000 He was just trying to put something in your face.

02:11:20.000 Put something in your face, and then letting you know that he's so relaxed in there with you, he'll throw silly kicks at you.

02:11:26.000 Yeah.

02:11:29.000 I might go to that New Orleans fight.

02:11:30.000 I think Poirier's fighting again.

02:11:33.000 Yes, Poirier's going to fight Max Holloway, right?

02:11:36.000 That's a hot one.

02:11:37.000 That's the last fight of his career, right?

02:11:40.000 That's in New Orleans.

02:11:40.000 Uh-oh.

02:11:42.000 Holloway or Poirier?

02:11:44.000 Well, Poirier wanted one more and he wanted a legend, so they got him.

02:11:47.000 I think Max Holloway might be the number one guy for fights in the stands.

02:11:51.000 Oh, really?

02:11:52.000 Really?

02:11:53.000 He's Hawaiian?

02:11:54.000 They go.

02:11:54.000 Yeah.

02:11:56.000 They love fucking fighting.

02:11:58.000 They love fighting.

02:11:58.000 And you're always in the 300s.

02:12:00.000 Think of the jeans.

02:12:02.000 Get them a couple fucking Coronas up there.

02:12:04.000 Here's some Medellas, dude.

02:12:05.000 Whatever they smuggled in, little airplane bottles, and then like, what are you talking about Holloway?

02:12:09.000 Are you talking about Hawaii?

02:12:11.000 Talking about Hawaii?

02:12:12.000 No, dude.

02:12:13.000 I've never been there.

02:12:14.000 Hawaiians are terrified.

02:12:15.000 The ancestors of people that had the balls to get out in the ocean.

02:12:19.000 Get out in a fucking homemade Canoe.

02:12:22.000 And make it across the ocean to an island.

02:12:24.000 That's why I was hoping I had Viking, dude.

02:12:25.000 I don't know.

02:12:26.000 I was just a farmer.

02:12:29.000 Just a farmer.

02:12:30.000 A billion years of just going, yeah.

02:12:35.000 Farmers only.

02:12:40.000 What a crazy dating app that is.

02:12:41.000 Farmers only.

02:12:42.000 I know.

02:12:43.000 It basically means whites only.

02:12:44.000 Yeah, they should have just gone.

02:12:46.000 That's all that is.

02:12:47.000 It's a how do you say it without saying it.

02:12:48.000 Not all black farmers unless you're talking weed.

02:12:50.000 I got good news and bad news, daddy.

02:12:54.000 Found a farmer.

02:12:55.000 His name's Tyrone.

02:12:59.000 He grows weed.

02:13:00.000 It's only watermelon.

02:13:01.000 I don't know what the hell.

02:13:03.000 It's worse than usual.

02:13:05.000 Sorry.

02:13:06.000 Isn't it crazy that a delicious food is racist?

02:13:10.000 Chicken, watermelon, they're both great.

02:13:11.000 I love them both.

02:13:12.000 It doesn't work with any other race.

02:13:14.000 You make fun of Italians for pizza, Irish potatoes, no one cares.

02:13:19.000 That one's super sensitive.

02:13:20.000 But the thing is, it's also foods that everybody loves.

02:13:20.000 Fish.

02:13:25.000 I know!

02:13:26.000 They're both delicious.

02:13:27.000 How did that happen?

02:13:29.000 Like, if you bring up fried chicken and black people, you're a piece of shit.

02:13:29.000 Yeah.

02:13:32.000 But, like, doesn't everybody love fried chicken?

02:13:34.000 Chappelle has a bit about it.

02:13:35.000 It's the best.

02:13:36.000 He does.

02:13:37.000 It's a great bit.

02:13:38.000 No, I was talking about fried chicken.

02:13:40.000 It's so good.

02:13:41.000 You ever go to Gus's in town?

02:13:43.000 Gus's fried chicken?

02:13:44.000 Oh, it's so good.

02:13:45.000 I try to genuinely actually avoid fried chicken.

02:13:47.000 It'll kill you.

02:13:48.000 I love it.

02:13:49.000 I grew up on Popeyes, and it'll weigh you down.

02:13:51.000 We used to get Roscoe's when I was in L.A. Roscoe's chicken and waffles.

02:13:56.000 Oh, my God.

02:13:56.000 It's perfect.

02:13:57.000 It's so good.

02:13:58.000 With butter and the syrup, and then you got the hot sauce with the chicken.

02:14:03.000 Oh!

02:14:04.000 Oh!

02:14:04.000 Doggy!

02:14:06.000 That's good stuff.

02:14:07.000 It's so good.

02:14:08.000 Diabetes.

02:14:09.000 It's coming, but not today.

02:14:11.000 Not today.

02:14:12.000 Today it's mouth pleasure.

02:14:14.000 Bro, I thought that diabetes was coming.

02:14:17.000 Yeah, but you're not.

02:14:17.000 You're good.

02:14:18.000 I got that fucking ways to well.

02:14:19.000 I was like, I gotta at least be pre-diabetic.

02:14:22.000 Nah, you got those fucking Irish genes, son.

02:14:24.000 You got the full ride.

02:14:26.000 Diabetes will do fucking nothing.

02:14:29.000 You know what it'll do?

02:14:30.000 Shut your fucking mouth.

02:14:33.000 I'm in your wife's DMs.

02:14:34.000 You know what it'll get us is the gout.

02:14:36.000 The gout's coming for us.

02:14:37.000 When I heard the calls for fatties, isn't it?

02:14:40.000 No, no, Kyle Kinane has the gout.

02:14:42.000 How do you get gout?

02:14:44.000 No.

02:14:45.000 I think it's a booze and beer.

02:14:47.000 That's it.

02:14:47.000 It's a booze and thing.

02:14:49.000 What causes gout?

02:14:51.000 Meat.

02:14:51.000 It's the king's disease.

02:14:53.000 Meat?

02:14:53.000 But what is the real cause?

02:14:55.000 This sounds like nonsense.

02:14:57.000 Literally all I eat.

02:14:59.000 I eat 90% red meat.

02:14:59.000 Uh-oh.

02:15:01.000 Are you sober?

02:15:01.000 Wait, wait, wait.

02:15:02.000 Yeah.

02:15:04.000 Dog, for three months.

02:15:06.000 Sober from alcohol.

02:15:07.000 Yeah.

02:15:08.000 Be clear.

02:15:08.000 And according to the law, everything else.

02:15:10.000 And nothing else today.

02:15:11.000 Gout, known as disease of kings, a type of arthritis characterized by painful swelling and inflammation in the joints.

02:15:16.000 Often the big toe.

02:15:18.000 Ow!

02:15:18.000 Caused by a buildup of uric acid in the body, leading to formation of urate crystals in the joints.

02:15:24.000 Eww.

02:15:26.000 Link to lavish diets and alcohol consumption of wealthy individuals, including royalty.

02:15:30.000 I guarantee you it's the alcohol.

02:15:33.000 And not moving.

02:15:34.000 Yeah, it has nothing to do with meat.

02:15:36.000 Tell you what, the first time I saw that description, I went, ooh.

02:15:40.000 That's the one that's going to get it.

02:15:42.000 It's coming to crystallize my joints.

02:15:46.000 Wait, are you going to church, too, or is that bullshit?

02:15:48.000 I have been to church.

02:15:49.000 Oh, fuck.

02:15:51.000 Have you ever been to church before?

02:15:51.000 Why?

02:15:52.000 I bet.

02:15:53.000 It's actually very nice.

02:15:54.000 They're all just trying to be better people.

02:15:56.000 It's a good vibe.

02:15:57.000 Why don't you go to a Catholic church?

02:15:59.000 I tried that.

02:16:00.000 I did that.

02:16:01.000 I went to St. Pat's in New York.

02:16:03.000 That's a beautiful place.

02:16:05.000 So nice.

02:16:05.000 Some guy gave me a rosary.

02:16:07.000 I keep it.

02:16:08.000 If it's not Catholic, which one is it?

02:16:10.000 It's just a Christian church.

02:16:11.000 A non-denominational Christian.

02:16:12.000 Yeah, all those fucking...

02:16:15.000 Yeah, I'm just giving all my money to Osteen.

02:16:18.000 Animal proteins such as pork, red meat, shellfish, and oily fish are high in purines, making an individual susceptible to gas.

02:16:24.000 There you go!

02:16:25.000 Huh.

02:16:27.000 Additionally, alcohol reduces the metabolism of uric acid, enhances the disease condition.

02:16:27.000 No shellfish.

02:16:33.000 Oh!

02:16:34.000 That's both, right?

02:16:34.000 I guarantee you it's the alcohol.

02:16:36.000 And we're getting a steak tonight and have to drink it all day.

02:16:38.000 The alcohol fucking lobby probably said, yeah, it's the meat.

02:16:42.000 It's just like they did with sugar.

02:16:44.000 You know, the sugar lobby's like, actually, it's not us.

02:16:48.000 It's saturated fat that's causing all these heart attacks to happen often.

02:16:52.000 Oh, yeah.

02:16:53.000 Yeah, it's a long COVID.

02:16:54.000 It has nothing to do with us.

02:16:56.000 It has nothing to do with us.

02:16:59.000 It's long COVID.

02:17:00.000 You're getting cancer because of COVID.

02:17:03.000 It's all the COVID gotcha.

02:17:04.000 That was a new strain.

02:17:05.000 Did you see that?

02:17:06.000 Of what?

02:17:07.000 COVID.

02:17:08.000 Come on.

02:17:09.000 It's a new one coming out of China.

02:17:09.000 You're lying.

02:17:11.000 There's always a new stream.

02:17:12.000 You're lying.

02:17:12.000 It's a new release.

02:17:12.000 It's a mixtape.

02:17:14.000 It's the Beastie Boys lost mixtape for Rick Rubin.

02:17:18.000 COVID hasn't been good since 2019, dude.

02:17:20.000 They fell off.

02:17:21.000 They got a new producer.

02:17:22.000 Oh, really?

02:17:23.000 They got a new producer of better beats.

02:17:25.000 This one gets the kids.

02:17:27.000 It only gets kids.

02:17:29.000 It's catchy with the kids.

02:17:30.000 I had to call it the Fauci.

02:17:32.000 Kids was a big one.

02:17:33.000 They always threw kids at you to make you like, oh, I guess we have to take care of the old people.

02:17:39.000 What about Grandma?

02:17:40.000 I saw someone on Twitter saying, you literally killed my mother to people who were out there doing shows.

02:17:45.000 Less than 20. We're back, dude.

02:17:47.000 20 cases of the new variant.

02:17:49.000 Less than monkeypox.

02:17:50.000 That's how it That happened in Seattle, remember?

02:17:53.000 You heard about the guys, or Portland, where was it, the first cases in the United States?

02:17:57.000 Of what?

02:17:57.000 Somewhere in the Northwest.

02:17:58.000 Someone had come over from China, they gave the Wuhan, they gave it over there, and that's the first cases.

02:18:05.000 And those people don't got no sunlight, so they got zero vitamin D. They're susceptible.

02:18:09.000 I hope that monkeypox joke worked in your storytelling show.

02:18:13.000 Look how they described this.

02:18:13.000 Look at this!

02:18:14.000 It was actually really funny.

02:18:16.000 We were all talking about it afterwards.

02:18:19.000 It's so silly.

02:18:20.000 Described as a slightly upgraded version.

02:18:23.000 I forgot about it.

02:18:23.000 That was really funny.

02:18:24.000 See?

02:18:24.000 Upgraded.

02:18:25.000 The slightly upgraded version of the variant that's prominent right now.

02:18:29.000 Oh, God.

02:18:30.000 Subhash Verma.

02:18:32.000 That's a person who's bred to be a scientist.

02:18:35.000 Ron got the COVID recently.

02:18:36.000 He got the COVID and it whacked him for like a week.

02:18:39.000 A week?

02:18:39.000 Really?

02:18:40.000 He fucking smokes 20 cigars a day.

02:18:43.000 He entails cigars.

02:18:44.000 He got the vax too.

02:18:46.000 He got the jab.

02:18:47.000 Thank God.

02:18:49.000 It would have been way worse for him.

02:18:52.000 Isn't that a funny thing?

02:18:54.000 It could have been worse.

02:18:56.000 My sister flipped her car once when she was in high school and she was totally fine.

02:19:01.000 Total the car.

02:19:02.000 The cigarette lighter was the only thing that was salvageable.

02:19:04.000 She was fine.

02:19:05.000 Wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

02:19:06.000 So she was on the roof of the car.

02:19:08.000 And we're all like, thank God you weren't wearing a seatbelt or it could have been worse.

02:19:12.000 That's what they always say.

02:19:13.000 Well, you ever see guys get flown out of the car and they live?

02:19:16.000 And the car flips 30 fucking times and they live?

02:19:18.000 Because they got thrown off.

02:19:19.000 Oh, never heard of that.

02:19:20.000 Isn't that a saying too?

02:19:21.000 Like an urban myth at least that if you're like Hayward.

02:19:27.000 You get in an accident and you're relaxed.

02:19:29.000 I've heard that.

02:19:31.000 Keep you drinking.

02:19:32.000 I've heard that.

02:19:34.000 It's the same thing as people falling.

02:19:36.000 Oh, that was somebody on This Not Happening.

02:19:38.000 Fucking Irish Chicago guy.

02:19:40.000 Sullivan something.

02:19:40.000 I forgot his name.

02:19:41.000 but he was listening to Hugh Lewis and walked off a building.

02:19:43.000 And the nurse was like, the nurse was like, the only thing to save you is, He goes, I was just walking.

02:19:51.000 Wow.

02:19:52.000 He's like, what the fuck is this?

02:19:57.000 Oh my god.

02:19:58.000 Oh my god.

02:20:01.000 Damn.

02:20:02.000 Oh my god.

02:20:02.000 Alright, let's bong a fucking beer.

02:20:04.000 There you go.

02:20:04.000 Let's bong.

02:20:05.000 It's about fucking time.

02:20:06.000 I'm feeling these envies, though.

02:20:10.000 The only reason I stopped the booze is because I wanted to see what it would be like to have no booze for a long period of time.

02:20:17.000 And it's a lot better.

02:20:19.000 You feel a lot better.

02:20:20.000 Don't you get bored though at night?

02:20:21.000 No, I thought I would.

02:20:22.000 That's the thing.

02:20:23.000 I have fun doing stand-up.

02:20:26.000 I have fun hanging out in the green room.

02:20:27.000 Yeah.

02:20:27.000 But you're also not like...

02:20:29.000 Well, when it comes to sobriety...

02:20:29.000 Action.

02:20:34.000 No booze.

02:20:35.000 Yeah, Diaz did that once at the Improv.

02:20:38.000 You're still cold, dude.

02:20:39.000 He goes, I stopped smoking weed and everyone booed.

02:20:41.000 He goes, oh, I mean, I'm still doing vapes and stuff.

02:20:44.000 I'll be like, oh, all right.

02:20:45.000 He goes, no, I just hurt my throat.

02:20:47.000 What flipped you?

02:20:48.000 What was the final switch?

02:20:49.000 Well, I wanted to try it.

02:20:51.000 You saw me fall down.

02:20:51.000 Well, I just got tired of fucking feeling like shit when I would work out the next day.

02:20:55.000 The hangovers are real later.

02:20:57.000 It's all the fucking...

02:20:57.000 It's real.

02:21:01.000 It's like, it beats you down.

02:21:02.000 And if I was doing three nights in a week at the club, Yeah, exactly.

02:21:07.000 Bye Bodega Cat.

02:21:10.000 He's got his 29-year-old metabolism.

02:21:14.000 So cold.

02:21:15.000 You'll be back.

02:21:16.000 You'll be back.

02:21:16.000 You think so?

02:21:17.000 That's a supportive friend.

02:21:17.000 Yeah.

02:21:18.000 Yeah.

02:21:19.000 I mean, it's not like I'm not alcohol.

02:21:19.000 Yeah.

02:21:20.000 You didn't have a fucking problem.

02:21:21.000 We're saying we don't judge you for your current situation.

02:21:24.000 But we would love to have you back.

02:21:24.000 Thank you.

02:21:26.000 It's just one of those things where you stop doing it and you're like, oh, I feel so much better.

02:21:29.000 Why was I doing that?

02:21:30.000 It's also like, at this point, like, who gives?

02:21:32.000 So don't drink.

02:21:32.000 See, I have a different thing.

02:21:34.000 I'll go like four or five days.

02:21:37.000 Yeah.

02:21:37.000 Typically, I try to get four or five days off.

02:21:40.000 By day five, I'm going, let's go.

02:21:44.000 I know.

02:21:45.000 I'm getting fucking wrecked.

02:21:47.000 Same.

02:21:48.000 Same thing.

02:21:49.000 It's not even like...

02:21:51.000 Yeah, you can't just have a beer.

02:21:52.000 And then you regret it.

02:21:53.000 No, no.

02:21:54.000 You regret it the next day, but you're like, no.

02:21:58.000 Let's keep going.

02:22:00.000 After the wheels fall off.

02:22:02.000 Look, I had a good time drinking.

02:22:04.000 Don't get me wrong.

02:22:04.000 I like it.

02:22:05.000 Yeah.

02:22:06.000 I don't like what it does to your body.

02:22:06.000 Oh, it's fun.

02:22:08.000 I mean, it's always done that.

02:22:16.000 I think I was listening to your podcast.

02:22:18.000 I would gladly pay you tomorrow for one hamburger today.

02:22:22.000 That guy.

02:22:23.000 The Popeye guy.

02:22:25.000 The guy was addicted to hamburgers.

02:22:27.000 He never had money.

02:22:27.000 He had no money.

02:22:28.000 Wimpy.

02:22:30.000 Who the fuck is this?

02:22:31.000 Wimpy's Burgers.

02:22:32.000 Wimpy's Big.

02:22:33.000 He's just a guy addicted to burgers?

02:22:34.000 Yeah.

02:22:36.000 He was a comic.

02:22:37.000 He died.

02:22:40.000 Yeah, five guys killed him.

02:22:42.000 Fucking assholes.

02:22:44.000 Those old cartoons were crazy.

02:22:48.000 Oh, don't get me started on the racist ones.

02:22:49.000 Oh, they're all racist.

02:22:50.000 I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.

02:22:54.000 I just wanted burgers.

02:22:54.000 That's it.

02:22:55.000 Did you ever see the stories of Blow on the set of Popeye?

02:22:58.000 Huh?

02:22:59.000 The blow on the set of Popeye.

02:23:01.000 Movie?

02:23:01.000 Movie Popeye with Robin Williams.

02:23:02.000 Because they were shooting in Malta.

02:23:04.000 They were shooting in Malta so they could be away from the studios.

02:23:06.000 And they would send filmcams back.

02:23:08.000 And they'd send the empty filmcams back full of cocaine for the set.

02:23:12.000 Because they wouldn't check through the filmcams.

02:23:14.000 Oh my god, that's so crazy.

02:23:16.000 When Popeye came to Malta, the film set was full of cocaine.

02:23:20.000 They had to be like, we're going to do something wild.

02:23:22.000 Of course.

02:23:22.000 He's not even in character.

02:23:25.000 He's coked up.

02:23:26.000 He's got one eye closed.

02:23:27.000 That's funny.

02:23:27.000 I've made that face.

02:23:29.000 Every single time I've ever done cocaine, I go.

02:23:32.000 You couldn't escape it.

02:23:33.000 They were actually shipping film cans at the time.

02:23:35.000 Film cans we sent back to LA for daily processing.

02:23:38.000 This was shot in Malta.

02:23:39.000 And we found out the film cans were actually being used to ship cocaine back and forth to this set.

02:23:44.000 Everyone was stoned.

02:23:46.000 What a lame way to talk about blowing out a blow.

02:23:46.000 I don't know what they're saying.

02:23:46.000 Stoned.

02:23:49.000 What a bunch of dorks.

02:23:50.000 Dorks.

02:23:51.000 It makes sense.

02:23:52.000 Shelley Duvall, she went through that and The Shining.

02:23:55.000 How did that lady survive?

02:23:56.000 Well, have you seen her now?

02:23:57.000 She died.

02:23:58.000 Oh, she did?

02:23:59.000 She died?

02:24:01.000 Wait, she died?

02:24:02.000 And then, Mark, you were saying, what were you saying?

02:24:03.000 She was ugly before she died?

02:24:05.000 Is that what you were saying?

02:24:06.000 You son of a bitch.

02:24:09.000 How many memes are the fucking Jack Nicholson with the axe coming through the wall?

02:24:14.000 Oh, Johnny.

02:24:15.000 Like inclusivity and then trans women on dating apps?

02:24:19.000 I think I sent this that one.

02:24:21.000 It was on the thread.

02:24:22.000 There's so many of those!

02:24:23.000 Like that one scene with Shelley Duvall in the bathroom and the axe is coming through.

02:24:28.000 Here's Johnny!

02:24:29.000 That fucking movie was crazy.

02:24:32.000 Slow build if you rewatch it.

02:24:33.000 Slow build.

02:24:34.000 It's really nice.

02:24:35.000 It's a really good movie to watch.

02:24:35.000 It's great.

02:24:37.000 You know what's crazy?

02:24:38.000 Aesthetically pleasing.

02:24:39.000 Stephen King didn't like it.

02:24:40.000 Kubrick.

02:24:41.000 King didn't like that person.

02:24:43.000 Stephen King doesn't like anything cool.

02:24:44.000 He likes Salem's Lot.

02:24:46.000 Tough follow on Twitter.

02:24:48.000 He is mean.

02:24:49.000 He hates the coolest shit, dude.

02:24:51.000 Yeah, it's fun.

02:24:52.000 He's zigging everybody.

02:24:54.000 Well, you got a guy got hit by a bus.

02:24:56.000 Did he?

02:24:56.000 He got hit by a guy driving a fucking truck, not paying attention, and he was walking on the side of the road, and he got clipped and broke like every bone in his body.

02:25:05.000 Whoa!

02:25:06.000 I'm not laughing at that.

02:25:07.000 It's just a funny way.

02:25:08.000 Oh, he was hospitalized for a long time.

02:25:10.000 He got clipped.

02:25:11.000 He got really broken apart.

02:25:13.000 He's an older man.

02:25:14.000 You know, not like as a young guy where he maybe kind of recovered.

02:25:18.000 How hot is it in here?

02:25:19.000 Not hot at all.

02:25:20.000 It's so hot.

02:25:20.000 It's Jamie.

02:25:21.000 It's Jamie's fault.

02:25:22.000 It's America.

02:25:23.000 Is it not hot?

02:25:23.000 Is it?

02:25:24.000 72?

02:25:25.000 Let's go 69. It's you, bro.

02:25:26.000 72 is a little hot, man.

02:25:27.000 It's you.

02:25:27.000 You're spitzing.

02:25:28.000 We can lower it.

02:25:29.000 72 is a little crazy.

02:25:30.000 You all right, Ari?

02:25:31.000 No, he met the devil.

02:25:32.000 69, 69. He met the devil.

02:25:36.000 Oh, you had it set at 72, Jamie?

02:25:39.000 That's unforgivable.

02:25:41.000 What are you, a girl?

02:25:42.000 You're riding, Jamie.

02:25:43.000 Girls like it warm.

02:25:44.000 They like it warm?

02:25:45.000 They love it warm.

02:25:45.000 Oh, yeah.

02:25:45.000 Yes.

02:25:46.000 If it's up to a girl, she'll go 75. Easy.

02:25:49.000 Hey, Bert Christ is going to sue you.

02:25:51.000 I'm legitimately hot.

02:25:52.000 Bert Christ is going to sue you.

02:25:53.000 I wish you weren't doing that.

02:25:54.000 That is a bad look.

02:25:57.000 Auschwitz 2025.

02:25:59.000 He did that for the thing.

02:26:02.000 It was a good bit.

02:26:03.000 For the survivors?

02:26:04.000 It was not a bit.

02:26:05.000 I'm legitimately out-schvitzing in here.

02:26:07.000 I was schvitzing too, dude.

02:26:08.000 You feel better now?

02:26:10.000 That'll be a meme.

02:26:10.000 You shirtless doing that?

02:26:12.000 I am hot.

02:26:13.000 Jamie.

02:26:14.000 I mean, it's obviously the stuff.

02:26:15.000 Jamie, can you bring up Michigan taking the field against Ohio State?

02:26:17.000 I think Joe's actually going to like him and I think he's going to respect football when he sees it.

02:26:21.000 Let's go.

02:26:22.000 Joe does not respect football.

02:26:23.000 I do respect football.

02:26:23.000 Let's go.

02:26:24.000 That's not true at all.

02:26:24.000 He actually has recently come around.

02:26:25.000 I started watching football.

02:26:27.000 I don't approve of the CTE.

02:26:28.000 Yeah, it's not good.

02:26:32.000 I've got a touch of CTE myself, for sure.

02:26:42.000 You don't escape it.

02:26:44.000 They tested high school kids to have CTE.

02:26:46.000 Yeah, I'm a little worried.

02:26:48.000 Yeah, you should be worried.

02:26:49.000 But you've got the touch.

02:26:51.000 A touch is good.

02:26:52.000 A little touch makes you a little reckless, a little funny, a little crazy.

02:26:55.000 Yeah, I got touched.

02:26:57.000 JML, I know what you're gonna do, cuz I know you're a nasty little fuck.

02:27:00.000 I know what you're gonna do!

02:27:02.000 Oh, you knew.

02:27:06.000 Gotta make a tackle.

02:27:07.000 Damn it.

02:27:08.000 He got you there.

02:27:10.000 I knew he was gonna do it, dude.

02:27:12.000 Oh, does that hurt you?

02:27:14.000 That actually did hurt.

02:27:15.000 That's very bad.

02:27:16.000 What a catch, though.

02:27:17.000 Look at that catch.

02:27:18.000 That's fucking beautiful.

02:27:19.000 Because that was a throw down.

02:27:20.000 You fucking little nasty little fuck.

02:27:23.000 I'm on an airplane.

02:27:25.000 He was ready.

02:27:26.000 He had that geared up when he was coming in.

02:27:28.000 It looks like a movie.

02:27:31.000 What I sent Jamie yesterday.

02:27:33.000 You want to get mad?

02:27:35.000 Let's get mad.

02:27:36.000 The LA Fire Fund.

02:27:40.000 They had this big show.

02:27:42.000 Big fundraiser.

02:27:43.000 They raised $100 million.

02:27:45.000 Wait till you find out where the money went.

02:27:50.000 No.

02:27:51.000 James Lee did a thing about it on Instagram.

02:27:54.000 Yeah, and there's been articles written about it where people are like, where's the money?

02:27:57.000 Uh-oh.

02:27:57.000 The way they distribute the money is so crazy.

02:28:00.000 You're going to read this and you're never going to want to donate to charity again.

02:28:03.000 Because you find out what charities, what a lot of these non-profits are really about.

02:28:08.000 The lady running the charity that got the money makes almost a million dollars a year.

02:28:08.000 I don't.

02:28:13.000 BLM, Me Too, this.

02:28:15.000 Same lady?

02:28:16.000 No, no, no.

02:28:17.000 Everyone's like, well, let me get a taste.

02:28:19.000 Same fucking lady.

02:28:19.000 She's killing it.

02:28:20.000 Listen to this.

02:28:22.000 I watched this, dude.

02:28:23.000 I looked into it a little bit.

02:28:25.000 We'll watch it, but...

02:28:30.000 Hold on, before you press play on that.

02:28:33.000 That guy with a fishing hat is not a reliable news source.

02:28:36.000 That's my number one source of news.

02:28:40.000 And then he's trying to blame the Annenberg Foundation.

02:28:43.000 That is one of the richest fucking families in California.

02:28:47.000 They're worth so much fucking money.

02:28:49.000 I wonder how they got money.

02:28:50.000 I mean, it doesn't matter.

02:28:53.000 Shut up, liberal ass Jamie.

02:28:55.000 You fucking know how I stay paying liberal.

02:28:56.000 How about play the video and let everybody figure it out for themselves?

02:29:00.000 Let's platform this guy.

02:29:02.000 Yeah, play it liberal.

02:29:03.000 Jesus.

02:29:04.000 The concert might be one of the biggest scams in disaster fundraising history.

02:29:08.000 And as usual, I'm bringing the receipts.

02:29:11.000 First off, according to reports, the FireAid benefit concerts raised over $100 million, supposedly for LA fire victims.

02:29:18.000 But since then, residents have been asking, where did all the money go?

02:29:22.000 $100 million raised for residents, community things, and funds that are supposed to help with the policies, and there's no accounting for it.

02:29:36.000 Let's figure this out.

02:29:37.000 So according to the FireAid website, it says that all direct donations will be distributed under the advisement of the Annenberg Foundation.

02:29:45.000 According to the IRS 990 form, the Annenberg Foundation is a 501c3 based in Kunshan.

02:29:51.000 I live there.

02:29:53.000 Conchi, baby.

02:29:54.000 One massive red flag by way is that only 33% of their annual expenses goes towards actual charity programs.

02:30:03.000 The rest goes to administrative costs like executive compensation.

02:30:07.000 Look at the numbers.

02:30:07.000 They treat you pretty good over there, starting with top dog Cynthia Kennard, who's making three quarters of a million dollars, plus another six figures in bonuses.

02:30:17.000 She started the fire.

02:30:18.000 Basically almost seven figures just for one person there.

02:30:21.000 Here is Cynthia, a.k.a.

02:30:23.000 Cinny, hanging out with Gavin Newsom, discussing or strategizing about things like how to solve it.

02:30:29.000 I would.

02:30:30.000 Both of them, six beers.

02:30:33.000 Anyway, just to give you a point of comparison with another non-profit, Doctors Without Borders, they spend almost 90% of their money on actual programs versus less than 1% on administrative costs.

02:30:45.000 Local journalists have also been asking, where's the money?

02:30:48.000 They found, quote, the FireAid website names only three Palisades organizations that receive grants, among almost 120 organizations listed as receiving grants.

02:30:57.000 You see who got the money?

02:30:57.000 A couple of true ones.

02:30:59.000 A couple of true ones.

02:31:00.000 Hold on, let me read it.

02:31:01.000 Because he's focused on the Palisades.

02:31:01.000 Why'd you stop?

02:31:03.000 Just play it.

02:31:04.000 We'll talk later.

02:31:04.000 Just play it.

02:31:06.000 What's Israel?

02:31:11.000 Listen, Scorpion's thing.

02:31:16.000 They were kind of given the runaround, various extension numbers, somebody saying they would call them back.

02:31:21.000 No one called back.

02:31:22.000 Also referring them to some mysterious man named Philip.

02:31:25.000 No last name.

02:31:27.000 He was never found.

02:31:28.000 This is just crazy.

02:31:30.000 So essentially what they're doing is taking the $100 million, then paying themselves roughly 70% of it.

02:31:35.000 Wow.

02:31:36.000 And with the rest of the money, they're dishing out to various other non-profits with their own administrative expenses.

02:31:41.000 And that's how $100 million just ends up disappearing.

02:31:46.000 Oh, yay, yay.

02:31:48.000 Okay.

02:31:48.000 Wow.

02:31:49.000 I'll believe it.

02:31:51.000 Maybe he's telling the truth.

02:31:53.000 Maybe he's exaggerating.

02:31:54.000 But at the very least, This is what the NFL does with the cancer research.

02:31:58.000 70% goes to administration.

02:32:00.000 30% goes to the actual cause.

02:32:02.000 These non-profits.

02:32:03.000 That's crazy.

02:32:04.000 They're for their own profit.

02:32:06.000 Well, it's just a loophole.

02:32:08.000 It's a loophole.

02:32:09.000 They found a loophole to make a great living by being virtuous.

02:32:12.000 And then they see a fire.

02:32:13.000 They're like, sick!

02:32:14.000 We're all getting raises.

02:32:16.000 But all we're saying, Jamie, is that this guy is saying that 70% traditionally goes to administrative costs.

02:32:23.000 30% goes to the actual.

02:32:26.000 That's for all charities.

02:32:27.000 Right.

02:32:28.000 That is for all charities.

02:32:29.000 For a lot of charities, but not Doctors Without Borders, which is one of the things that he brought up.

02:32:32.000 He just picked one, though.

02:32:34.000 He's comparing you with this stuff to just like, "I'll pick a charity," and he picked probably one of the worst ones, you know?

02:32:39.000 We've gone over the charity stuff many times.

02:32:41.000 There's good and bad charities.

02:32:42.000 There's good and bad charities.

02:32:44.000 But the point is that this $100 million, you're saying, was distributed to a bunch of different places, not just Pacific Palisades.

02:32:52.000 Looking into it, too, $100 million was a number that got used in advertising to make everything look big and look good.

02:32:58.000 Probably, my part I was trying to say, too, assuming that it is $100 million, there's a bunch of companies and a bunch of artists that said, I'm going to pledge a million, I'm going to pledge a million.

02:33:06.000 And you have to go collect it all.

02:33:07.000 You don't know if they all will send it in.

02:33:09.000 Oh, you know how many times I pledge stuff?

02:33:10.000 I pledged a million dollars to Notre Dame's NIL.

02:33:12.000 I haven't done one single thing.

02:33:14.000 Did you do it by yourself?

02:33:15.000 In your apartment?

02:33:16.000 No, I was at the fucking championship game watching Ohio State win, and I was going, Notre Dame needs a de-tackle.

02:33:21.000 I'm going to give them a million bucks.

02:33:23.000 Yeah.

02:33:23.000 For real?

02:33:24.000 And then they were like, hey, you want to give us that million bucks?

02:33:26.000 I was like, no.

02:33:28.000 I pledged.

02:33:28.000 Is that legally binding?

02:33:29.000 It was a pledge.

02:33:30.000 JMO.

02:33:31.000 Well, isn't that the weirdest thing about colleges?

02:33:34.000 Like, how much money colleges get in donations from people that are, like, really wealthy that used to go there?

02:33:39.000 Yeah.

02:33:40.000 Yeah, I didn't even go there.

02:33:41.000 Didn't go there.

02:33:42.000 But that's a big thing with colleges, right?

02:33:44.000 I just wanted to win before my dad dies.

02:33:46.000 That's why these college kids are getting money now.

02:33:48.000 It's kind of crazy.

02:33:49.000 I talked to one at Barstool in Chicago.

02:33:50.000 He's played at Indiana Center.

02:33:52.000 And it's like, how much?

02:33:53.000 Per year, he goes, 300 grand to transfer to Indiana.

02:33:56.000 Oh, that's for a year.

02:33:57.000 Notre Dame, Pat Coogan.

02:33:59.000 What?

02:33:59.000 Transferred to Indiana.

02:34:00.000 He was from Notre Dame.

02:34:01.000 And it's just like, that's a good living.

02:34:03.000 I don't have to go into this for my life.

02:34:04.000 I'm going to take my degree and actually start a life.

02:34:06.000 They should have been doing that for those kids forever.

02:34:07.000 100%.

02:34:08.000 They're making money off of them forever.

02:34:09.000 They're sold out in stadiums.

02:34:10.000 The only negative is you can't have a player for four straight years.

02:34:13.000 Yeah, there just needs to be regulation on it.

02:34:15.000 Because now they're letting them pay players, so now it's just the fucking Wild West.

02:34:20.000 They gotta make some Wild West.

02:34:21.000 They need to do that shit for the Olympics.

02:34:23.000 They gotta make a four-year pledge.

02:34:25.000 Even then, the big schools are all gonna get all the best players.

02:34:29.000 The Olympics, they don't get nothing.

02:34:30.000 The Olympics, they get zero.

02:34:31.000 Everybody else gets rich.

02:34:33.000 You're beat up by a man.

02:34:34.000 That can happen.

02:34:36.000 Enrolled in that women's boxing.

02:34:37.000 Some broad game.

02:34:39.000 You said that they were wrong about that one.

02:34:41.000 And now the new info came out.

02:34:43.000 What's that?

02:34:44.000 I thought you were like, no, that's actually not a trans.

02:34:46.000 That's a different...

02:34:54.000 Right.

02:34:54.000 Like some sort of medical issue.

02:34:55.000 The medical issue is testicles.

02:34:58.000 And an XY chromosome.

02:34:59.000 That is a medical issue.

02:35:00.000 XY chromosome and testicles.

02:35:02.000 Apparently internal testes that don't drop.

02:35:05.000 It's like a condition that some males have.

02:35:07.000 Yeah, some micropenis, internal testicles.

02:35:10.000 Micropenis, whatever.

02:35:10.000 Whatever, bro.

02:35:11.000 Call it big clit.

02:35:12.000 Call it micropenis.

02:35:13.000 It's fucking normal.

02:35:13.000 It's fine.

02:35:14.000 Come up with the pills, you scientists.

02:35:16.000 Fix it.

02:35:17.000 Dang, fixing shit.

02:35:19.000 Except in China.

02:35:19.000 They're crispering the shit out of those dicks.

02:35:21.000 Making a big, juicy dick.

02:35:23.000 That's a good math guy with a big dick.

02:35:25.000 Bro, they're all going to be an issue.

02:35:26.000 Man.

02:35:28.000 Long dividing and then fucking banging your lady.

02:35:30.000 Who the fuck was that guy?

02:35:32.000 Oh yeah.

02:35:33.000 With CCP hat on.

02:35:34.000 Show your work.

02:35:36.000 You know.

02:35:37.000 Man, I gotta look into this CRISPR.

02:35:39.000 I gotta do it.

02:35:39.000 I never heard of it.

02:35:40.000 Is it too late for us?

02:35:41.000 I think it's too late.

02:35:42.000 For now.

02:35:42.000 But in the future.

02:35:43.000 Yeah, we're fucked.

02:35:44.000 But not in the future.

02:35:46.000 In the future they're gonna be able to gene edit people that are alive.

02:35:48.000 Right now they're doing it to like fetuses.

02:35:50.000 We gotta go back in time and then shoot my dad up with the stuff to get me the real shit.

02:35:54.000 Fighting genes.

02:35:55.000 Yeah.

02:35:56.000 Fuck, I wish I had it.

02:35:56.000 Come back.

02:35:57.000 We do a Protect Our Parks four months from now.

02:35:59.000 Ari's 150 pounds heavier.

02:36:02.000 He's just gigantic.

02:36:02.000 Hi, guys.

02:36:04.000 A giant hog.

02:36:05.000 He pulled the balls out last night.

02:36:10.000 Huge balls.

02:36:12.000 They dwarf the dick.

02:36:13.000 A bighorn sheep.

02:36:14.000 You ever seen a bighorn sheep's balls?

02:36:16.000 No.

02:36:17.000 They're ridiculous.

02:36:18.000 The first time I saw a bighorn sheep, my friend Steve Rinell was like, look at his balls.

02:36:18.000 Pull them up.

02:36:22.000 You need to look at their balls.

02:36:23.000 It's extraordinary.

02:36:24.000 They're like church bells.

02:36:26.000 Whoa!

02:36:27.000 Giant fucking balls.

02:36:28.000 It's like master balls.

02:36:29.000 Oh my god!

02:36:31.000 Whoa!

02:36:32.000 Elephantitis!

02:36:33.000 Giant sacks.

02:36:34.000 Wow!

02:36:34.000 They all have giant balls.

02:36:35.000 Wow!

02:36:36.000 Can't be running with that.

02:36:37.000 Looks like a big puss.

02:36:40.000 No!

02:36:40.000 That one's got a problem.

02:36:41.000 That's an AI.

02:36:41.000 Of course, the black one.

02:36:43.000 You can't tell what's AI anymore, man.

02:36:45.000 You really cannot.

02:36:46.000 It's over.

02:36:46.000 There's no way to tell.

02:36:47.000 You gotta go straight to the comments and hopefully people pointed it out.

02:36:50.000 I got tricked by one.

02:36:52.000 By a sheep?

02:36:53.000 What happened?

02:36:53.000 I was embarrassed.

02:36:54.000 And he's like, I'm a guy.

02:36:54.000 You fucked it?

02:36:55.000 Some fucking hot-ass sheep came to the bar.

02:36:59.000 Oh, yeah.

02:37:02.000 No, it was a video of Trump giving a speech, but they AI'd what he was saying.

02:37:07.000 And I watched it, and I was like, no fucking way.

02:37:07.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:37:10.000 What did he say?

02:37:11.000 It was actually really funny.

02:37:13.000 It was like something about gay people.

02:37:15.000 Oh, no, no, no.

02:37:15.000 I forget.

02:37:16.000 But it was like really funny, and it seemed like something he might say.

02:37:20.000 Yeah.

02:37:20.000 He's so funny.

02:37:21.000 When they're close enough, they're like, well played.

02:37:24.000 But it took me like three minutes.

02:37:24.000 Fuck, it was close.

02:37:28.000 Three minutes is long.

02:37:29.000 He wouldn't say that.

02:37:30.000 He could finish coming.

02:37:31.000 But it's over now.

02:37:33.000 There is no truth.

02:37:34.000 There's no video.

02:37:35.000 I saw this yesterday.

02:37:35.000 Let me hear this.

02:37:36.000 Well, I'm going to be embarrassed, but yeah, I tricked you too.

02:37:39.000 Good.

02:37:39.000 Taking a careful note of the work of Colossal Labs, the biotech company.

02:37:43.000 They're the absolute worst group of people we've got in our country, and it's not even close.

02:37:48.000 I think we'd all be better off with them gone.

02:37:50.000 But as I was saying, my If they can bring back wolves, they can bring back dinosaurs.

02:38:04.000 Terrible lizard.

02:38:05.000 That's what dinosaur means if you break it down.

02:38:07.000 But picture this, folks.

02:38:09.000 Velociraptor, mounted border patrol agents.

02:38:13.000 They'll rip your head clear off.

02:38:15.000 Pterodactyls patrolling the skies.

02:38:17.000 Velociraptors on the ground.

02:38:19.000 To prevent the immigration apocalypse, we may have to counter with a dinopocalypse, folks.

02:38:24.000 I mean, it looks real.

02:38:24.000 It's real.

02:38:26.000 But I mean, you watch something like that, while you're watching it, you go...

02:38:30.000 Also, Trump's so wild, you just never know.

02:38:32.000 You never know.

02:38:33.000 Didn't he fucking post something the other day that Biden was assassinated and they used a clone?

02:38:38.000 Whoa.

02:38:38.000 God, I hope he did.

02:38:40.000 Didn't that like truth social, truth social, didn't he...

02:38:45.000 Damn.

02:38:45.000 Some wild thing that somebody posted?

02:38:48.000 Biden, this isn't even Biden.

02:38:49.000 Because he had a bunch of plastic surgery.

02:38:50.000 He had his face pulled back like a lizard.

02:38:52.000 Do you know what they're actually doing at the Forest Department?

02:38:55.000 Every email they sent that mentions biodiversity gets bounced back.

02:38:59.000 What does that mean?

02:39:00.000 They are so against the word diversity that biodiversity, those emails are not allowed to be sent from company emails.

02:39:07.000 Wow.

02:39:08.000 Yeah.

02:39:09.000 Did you see his N-word thing?

02:39:10.000 You gotta protect the parks.

02:39:11.000 Look at this.

02:39:13.000 You might actually be protecting the parks.

02:39:15.000 That's crazy.

02:39:15.000 Trump shares unfounded conspiracy theory claiming Biden was executed in 2020.

02:39:20.000 Holy hell.

02:39:21.000 Oh, who was he debating then?

02:39:23.000 Who did it?

02:39:24.000 Stairs?

02:39:25.000 That is so ridiculous.

02:39:27.000 But who was he debating?

02:39:28.000 He thinks he was...

02:39:32.000 He debated him in 2020.

02:39:33.000 Oh, he debated a different guy.

02:39:35.000 He's like it's a clone?

02:39:36.000 Yeah, not really Biden anymore.

02:39:37.000 Yeah, the one he kind of lost, I bet he was like, fucking clone showed up.

02:39:41.000 Well, there was that time that the tall Biden was at the White House.

02:39:47.000 That was crazy.

02:39:48.000 That was crazy.

02:39:49.000 There was a Biden that was like six inches taller than Biden.

02:39:52.000 And they have makeup.

02:39:54.000 They can do things to people.

02:39:55.000 They can make you look like Biden.

02:39:57.000 Maybe not you, but like some people with not so long a face.

02:40:02.000 Was he 6 '8"?

02:40:02.000 Yeah, Barron.

02:40:04.000 Barron would stand out.

02:40:06.000 He'd be too tall.

02:40:07.000 Why the long face?

02:40:09.000 Why the long face?

02:40:12.000 Biden, don't be depressed.

02:40:14.000 Don't be sour.

02:40:15.000 I know we're pulling you out.

02:40:16.000 I'll never forget.

02:40:17.000 But you were a great president.

02:40:18.000 You were like Lincoln.

02:40:19.000 This is way off topic, and you guys aren't going to think it's as funny as I do, but one time my family and I, we were out to dinner at Haas's in Mechanicsburg, and the waiter came over and goes, I got a joke for you.

02:40:32.000 We were like, what is it?

02:40:33.000 He's like, a horse walks into the bar, and the bartender goes, why the long face?

02:40:37.000 And my family and I erupted.

02:40:40.000 Laughing for like 20 minutes.

02:40:43.000 That's a classic.

02:40:43.000 No, but it became like, we can't stop laughing about how good that waiter was.

02:40:48.000 Oh, yeah.

02:40:49.000 And yeah, it stuck with me my whole life.

02:40:51.000 And I knew when I started telling that story, it wasn't going to be good.

02:40:55.000 That's literally the joke that I said to him.

02:40:57.000 I know, I know.

02:40:57.000 That's what it reminded me of.

02:40:59.000 Yeah.

02:40:59.000 But just that whole, you know, when you can't stop laughing.

02:41:03.000 Pull up the video that's all Biden, Jamie.

02:41:06.000 Been there.

02:41:07.000 What is hosses?

02:41:08.000 It's a tough one for me.

02:41:09.000 Restaurant.

02:41:10.000 like horses.

02:41:11.000 It's like a lower level Some reference I can't remember.

02:41:15.000 Yeah, the wheels are off.

02:41:16.000 The wheels are off, bro.

02:41:17.000 Chili's?

02:41:18.000 The wheels are off.

02:41:19.000 Sure, Cracker Barrel, whatever.

02:41:20.000 I'll go to a Chili's any day.

02:41:22.000 There's a salad bar at Hoss's.

02:41:23.000 Oh, hell yeah.

02:41:24.000 Untouched for generations.

02:41:26.000 No one touches it, but they do have nachos and melted cheese.

02:41:29.000 There you go.

02:41:30.000 I'm going to go to the salad bar.

02:41:31.000 That's a central PA salad.

02:41:33.000 Come back with melted cheese.

02:41:33.000 The salad bar's got that diced ham.

02:41:35.000 You know those little cubes?

02:41:36.000 Yes.

02:41:37.000 Now you're talking my language.

02:41:38.000 The Pittsburgh salad?

02:41:39.000 You know what the Pittsburgh salad is?

02:41:40.000 Is that what you shit on a guy's chest?

02:41:42.000 Just fries with some lettuce on top.

02:41:44.000 Oh, wow.

02:41:46.000 That's fun.

02:41:47.000 Pittsburgh people are fat.

02:41:49.000 That's a great city.

02:41:51.000 Underrated city.

02:41:52.000 Every fat city is the best city.

02:41:53.000 They know how to party.

02:41:54.000 I love them.

02:41:55.000 What's another fest?

02:41:56.000 Cleveland?

02:41:57.000 I like Great Lakes.

02:41:57.000 Buffalo, Cleveland.

02:41:58.000 Look at this.

02:41:59.000 Look at tall Biden.

02:41:59.000 Look at the size of him.

02:42:01.000 Whoa!

02:42:03.000 Bro, look at the size of him.

02:42:04.000 He doesn't look anything like Biden.

02:42:06.000 Shane, we were there.

02:42:07.000 Look how tall he is.

02:42:08.000 He's towering over his wife.

02:42:12.000 Like, what is that?

02:42:13.000 Wow, Biden dirty.

02:42:14.000 Like, what is that?

02:42:16.000 Damn.

02:42:16.000 That's weird.

02:42:18.000 I think there was times when he had some complications and they just brought in another guy.

02:42:18.000 Shane and I went to the White House.

02:42:23.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:42:25.000 I think they've probably done that before with people.

02:42:27.000 Roosevelt.

02:42:29.000 Apparently it isn't.

02:42:31.000 I mean, we should, kind of.

02:42:32.000 Who was telling the story?

02:42:34.000 Was it here that they were telling the story of Obama was sitting there talking to one of the people that he worked with, and then they removed the mask, and he realized that the person who he was talking to was not the person he works with, and they were showing him how good the CIA masks are?

02:42:48.000 Oh, it was green room conversation.

02:42:49.000 Someone was explaining in the green room.

02:42:52.000 Sounds like it might have been Metzger.

02:42:56.000 Looming over you!

02:42:57.000 You don't know?

02:42:58.000 You don't know?

02:42:58.000 You don't know about that?

02:42:59.000 Throw your reference of a name you've never heard of.

02:43:02.000 Like, why do you think he went to Seattle in 2016?

02:43:05.000 I'm like, who is any of these people?

02:43:07.000 Bro, and they'll hit you with five more in a row before you recovered from the first one.

02:43:10.000 Oh, the picture you took of me.

02:43:13.000 I took a picture of Ari getting trapped.

02:43:15.000 Because I loved Metzger for two decades, and then she's like, I'm in it.

02:43:19.000 You need a break after a while.

02:43:21.000 He cornered me at Terry Black's the other day.

02:43:21.000 Metzger's the best.

02:43:23.000 I was in the corner.

02:43:25.000 I heard he was at Terry Black's.

02:43:26.000 And he was, like, looming over at me.

02:43:27.000 And everybody else was having their own conversation.

02:43:29.000 I was like, hey!

02:43:29.000 Hey!

02:43:30.000 You're molested!

02:43:31.000 Help me!

02:43:32.000 Hey!

02:43:33.000 Help!

02:43:33.000 Molested with headlines.

02:43:35.000 Help!

02:43:35.000 The massage.

02:43:36.000 Safe word.

02:43:37.000 Epstein.

02:43:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:43:38.000 Bro, he just hits you with like five, six conspiracies in a row that you don't know about.

02:43:41.000 You don't know about that?

02:43:42.000 Cleveland?

02:43:43.000 36?

02:43:43.000 I don't know.

02:43:45.000 What happened?

02:43:46.000 You know, down to his room was just an experiment that got wrong.

02:43:48.000 What?

02:43:49.000 I think I was a part of that program.

02:43:51.000 It was the South Africans.

02:43:53.000 Yeah, programs.

02:43:54.000 All part of programs.

02:43:55.000 That's what happens when you grow up in a cult, and you think everything's a cult when you get out.

02:43:59.000 Everything's a cult.

02:44:00.000 And then he starts working for Jimmy Dore, so he finds out about real conspiracies.

02:44:03.000 Yeah, Metz got his first birthday like four years ago.

02:44:07.000 It's not an easy life.

02:44:09.000 Those eyeballs.

02:44:10.000 Enough's enough.

02:44:11.000 When he looms over you with the conspiracies, it's like he's not even a real person.

02:44:14.000 He's like a cartoon.

02:44:16.000 Oh, yeah.

02:44:16.000 He's like a guy in a movie.

02:44:17.000 There's no guy really like that that just traps you and hits you with 50 conspiracies.

02:44:21.000 Yep, Kirk Metzger.

02:44:22.000 He'll get you.

02:44:23.000 When I have him on a podcast, it's hilarious.

02:44:25.000 It's just like wind him up and then...

02:44:28.000 The first thing you said.

02:44:29.000 The first thing you said.

02:44:30.000 Let's go back to that.

02:44:31.000 What are you talking about?

02:44:32.000 What did they do in the Pacific?

02:44:34.000 Who did it?

02:44:35.000 They sunk a ship?

02:44:36.000 What happened?

02:44:39.000 Jesus Christ!

02:44:40.000 Oh, you don't know?

02:44:42.000 You don't know?

02:44:43.000 No, I don't know!

02:44:44.000 How can you know?

02:44:45.000 How do you know all these fucking things?

02:44:47.000 Oh, yeah, that's it.

02:44:49.000 When they put out the Epstein files, he's the guy who reads the 60,000 pages.

02:44:52.000 Oh, yeah, instantaneously.

02:44:53.000 Oh, he's jerking off.

02:44:54.000 He's doing other things on the side.

02:44:56.000 He's playing chess, jerking off, reading the stuff.

02:44:59.000 It's so weird, too.

02:44:59.000 He started in Black Rooms.

02:45:01.000 That's crazy.

02:45:03.000 Him and Big J. Yeah.

02:45:04.000 Wow.

02:45:06.000 Black Rooms will have you.

02:45:07.000 You're like a shitty young comic.

02:45:10.000 They love having a white guy.

02:45:13.000 There's dudes that are just joke machines.

02:45:15.000 Metzger's a joke machine.

02:45:17.000 If you got him in a writer's room, he's a machine.

02:45:19.000 Dude, Miss Pat got me a spot in Atlanta once.

02:45:21.000 I was down there for something.

02:45:23.000 And she was like, alright, go.

02:45:24.000 And the show started at 8. I got there at 7.30.

02:45:28.000 Doors are locked.

02:45:29.000 Till 8.45.

02:45:32.000 Then I go in, I'm like, hey, Miss Pat, send me like, oh, we got you, got you.

02:45:35.000 The MC does Almost an hour.

02:45:37.000 The emcee did an hour?

02:45:38.000 Yeah.

02:45:39.000 And then he goes, "Ah, y 'all!

02:45:41.000 Billy from Iowa!" Billy from Iowa?

02:45:45.000 You're Billy from Iowa.

02:45:46.000 What?

02:45:46.000 Oh, is that me?

02:45:48.000 A pure death.

02:45:49.000 It sounds like it.

02:45:50.000 Ari Shafir, Billy from Iowa.

02:45:52.000 Close enough.

02:45:53.000 After an hour.

02:45:54.000 Yeah.

02:45:55.000 Eight dicks in front of my manager at the time.

02:45:57.000 Oh, my God.

02:45:58.000 You invited your manager to the black room?

02:46:00.000 Oh, yes.

02:46:02.000 Fired up, dude.

02:46:02.000 This shit makes me laugh.

02:46:03.000 What is it?

02:46:04.000 Cameron and Mace?

02:46:05.000 Cameron and Mace.

02:46:05.000 What were they talking about?

02:46:06.000 I posted this on my story.

02:46:08.000 I was a little hungover, laying in bed, and this was killing me how funny this is.

02:46:14.000 Can you start from the beginning?

02:46:19.000 Diddy Trowell, some guy named The Punisher came in here yesterday.

02:46:26.000 I was watching the Diddy trial and some guy came to name the Punisher.

02:46:40.000 Did you ever see the clip of Mick Mill talking about how Suge Knight used to put handlebars on guys?

02:46:57.000 No.

02:46:58.000 That's horrific.

02:46:59.000 Meek Mel said some crazy shit about Suge Knight.

02:47:03.000 Whoa.

02:47:03.000 Suge Knight put handlebars on dudes.

02:47:05.000 That'd be funny if you put a helmet on, too.

02:47:07.000 He's fucking the guy.

02:47:08.000 Why are they all fucking each other?

02:47:11.000 What's going on?

02:47:12.000 They're homosexuals.

02:47:13.000 Power move.

02:47:14.000 I think it's a power move.

02:47:15.000 Mark, I'll tell you what, I never thought of it like that.

02:47:19.000 I think Ari's got it.

02:47:20.000 Ray J. Oh, it's Ray J. Oh, huge Don.

02:47:23.000 Okay.

02:47:24.000 Why do I think it was Meek Mill?

02:47:26.000 Who excuses Suge Knight of sexually assaulting men behind bars?

02:47:31.000 Maybe it was Ray J. That's a different video.

02:47:33.000 I've seen that one.

02:47:34.000 Yeah, no, no, no.

02:47:34.000 It is.

02:47:35.000 It's Ray J. 25 sticks of butter?

02:47:40.000 Use the letter as anal.

02:47:40.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:47:47.000 Margarine's bad for you.

02:47:49.000 Got to grease it up, bro.

02:47:52.000 That's so crazy.

02:47:54.000 You gotta grease that butthole.

02:47:55.000 Cameron and Mace are...

02:47:58.000 They have fun and they forget that they're on.

02:48:00.000 Mike and times have changed.

02:48:02.000 They don't give a fuck.

02:48:03.000 They might get off.

02:48:04.000 But times didn't really change.

02:48:06.000 It's just like people have to hide it.

02:48:07.000 And that's why people protect our parks.

02:48:09.000 The times are the same.

02:48:11.000 And times definitely don't change if you're fucking black dudes from Harlem.

02:48:15.000 Or rappers.

02:48:16.000 Cameron and Mace.

02:48:17.000 Yeah.

02:48:18.000 They can say whatever they want.

02:48:20.000 They can see whatever they want.

02:48:21.000 But...

02:48:27.000 Have you heard of that?

02:48:29.000 It's all dirt.

02:48:30.000 I want something concrete.

02:48:30.000 What the fuck are you doing with your chin?

02:48:32.000 Bro, listen to any story.

02:48:34.000 J-Lo, DiCaprio, are they going to talk?

02:48:38.000 Kid Cudi said...

02:48:40.000 Kid Cudi said...

02:48:40.000 Bieber.

02:48:43.000 Burned his car.

02:48:44.000 Broke into his house before Christmas and opened all the gifts for his kids.

02:48:49.000 No.

02:48:50.000 Really?

02:48:50.000 That's like the Grinch.

02:48:52.000 He called him when he was in his house.

02:48:54.000 Hey buddy, I'm in your house.

02:48:55.000 Just wanted to let you know about your house right now.

02:48:57.000 He opened all the presents under the tree.

02:48:59.000 Holy shit.

02:49:00.000 That's rude.

02:49:01.000 That's insane.

02:49:01.000 That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

02:49:03.000 That's hilarious.

02:49:04.000 Yeah, that's like Ari.

02:49:05.000 Ari might be fucking white-ditty.

02:49:07.000 That's a fucking Ari trick.

02:49:09.000 You hate Christmas, you heave.

02:49:16.000 Damn, dude, I can't believe you guys killed him.

02:49:20.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:49:23.000 Santa, too, you would if you could.

02:49:24.000 You would if the Jews got there.

02:49:26.000 You're going to burn your beak.

02:49:32.000 Jamie, delete the anti-semitist.

02:49:34.000 No, keep it.

02:49:35.000 It's allowed.

02:49:36.000 55 minutes out of this episode and everyone in the past.

02:49:39.000 Jamie, I'm not trying to add work.

02:49:40.000 I swear, brother.

02:49:41.000 Sorry, J-Mo.

02:49:43.000 He's very sensitive on these shows.

02:49:45.000 He needs to be respected.

02:49:47.000 I guess so.

02:49:47.000 I respect him.

02:49:48.000 J-Mo, bong a beer, brother.

02:49:50.000 We'd love to have you.

02:49:51.000 Are you sober, too, like gay rogue?

02:49:54.000 You have been losing weight.

02:49:55.000 You look fucking fit.

02:49:55.000 You look good.

02:49:57.000 Velvet.

02:49:58.000 Jamie, bong one beer.

02:50:00.000 Bong won.

02:50:02.000 He's actually, secretly, he's the best guy at bong and beers.

02:50:06.000 I know, right?

02:50:07.000 He does it quietly, and then he comes up here and does it, and he's like, yeah, it was nothing.

02:50:11.000 Luke Combs.

02:50:12.000 Luke Combs?

02:50:12.000 Really?

02:50:13.000 Shotgun?

02:50:14.000 No one can fuck with him.

02:50:15.000 He does it so quick, it doesn't even make sense.

02:50:18.000 How are you doing that?

02:50:18.000 Is that a magic trick, then?

02:50:20.000 He just punches the bottom of him straight from the can, and in two seconds, it's gone.

02:50:25.000 You're like, how?

02:50:26.000 Come over.

02:50:27.000 Skills.

02:50:29.000 You can't help yourself.

02:50:31.000 That's a problem.

02:50:34.000 There's so many country guys, I can't keep up now.

02:50:36.000 Yeah, it's a big popular country.

02:50:38.000 Brian, Zach.

02:50:39.000 Really did blow up.

02:50:40.000 Country blew up.

02:50:41.000 God's country.

02:50:43.000 Well, it used to be a thing that you would have to hide.

02:50:45.000 People like, what kind of music?

02:50:46.000 Like, anything except country.

02:50:47.000 Anything except country.

02:50:48.000 Yes!

02:50:48.000 That was like the standard.

02:50:50.000 They wouldn't mention polka.

02:50:50.000 That was a thing.

02:50:52.000 Right.

02:50:53.000 Have you listened to polka?

02:50:54.000 No, I guess I got him.

02:50:55.000 Shit rocks.

02:50:57.000 Go out to Western PA.

02:50:58.000 I remember I was dating this girl in the 90s, and I had to turn her on to Dwight Yoakam.

02:51:02.000 I'm like, you don't...

02:51:04.000 It's radio country.

02:51:06.000 Just listen to A Thousand Miles From Nowhere.

02:51:08.000 You tell me that's not a good song?

02:51:09.000 You're crazy.

02:51:10.000 Old Country's the best.

02:51:11.000 Old Country rules.

02:51:12.000 Oh, Old Country's great, but Dwight Yoke almost.

02:51:14.000 That's why a lot of the new guys are good.

02:51:15.000 Exactly.

02:51:16.000 There's a lot of guys doing Old Country.

02:51:18.000 That Oliver guy.

02:51:19.000 Guitars, Cadillacs, hillbilly music, that song?

02:51:22.000 Yeah, beer, swigging, fish fighting.

02:51:25.000 Zach Bryant.

02:51:25.000 I mean, what did Oliver Anthony do?

02:51:28.000 I mean, what is that?

02:51:29.000 Who?

02:51:30.000 Soulful.

02:51:31.000 Oh my god.

02:51:33.000 Oh my God, I mean, that is like some shit that's going to...

02:51:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:51:39.000 That song's going to be around a long time.

02:51:40.000 Fucking Beyonce's doing Country.

02:51:42.000 That's how popular it is.

02:51:43.000 Oh, shit.

02:51:44.000 Texas Hold 'em.

02:51:45.000 Yeah.

02:51:45.000 Blowing my mind here.

02:51:47.000 She's winning awards.

02:51:50.000 She's kind of turning white.

02:51:52.000 Well, I think what happens is...

02:51:57.000 She's like, come on now.

02:51:58.000 She's watching her kids.

02:52:00.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:52:01.000 Oh, Jesus.

02:52:03.000 I think what happens is the fucking country just swings one way.

02:52:06.000 They want simpler times.

02:52:08.000 terrified of nuclear war, terrified of fucking war.

02:52:11.000 What are we doing with Russia?

02:52:12.000 You know, it's a big one.

02:52:13.000 The military enrollment went up.

02:52:15.000 Oh, during Trump?

02:52:16.000 They put out a fucking white commercial.

02:52:19.000 A who?

02:52:20.000 They put out a white guy commercial.

02:52:21.000 They're trying to get the whites.

02:52:23.000 Well, the whites are out there.

02:52:24.000 The army's back.

02:52:24.000 They're going, hey, come on, whites.

02:52:26.000 Yeah.

02:52:27.000 It's funny to watch the left try to get the men.

02:52:29.000 You've got to fight Iran.

02:52:30.000 Come on, whites.

02:52:31.000 Why are we fighting Iran?

02:52:33.000 Trans thing in the military.

02:52:34.000 They stopped all that.

02:52:36.000 Let them fight.

02:52:36.000 What?

02:52:37.000 They're scary.

02:52:38.000 I love Jay Smith's point on that.

02:52:40.000 The left is like, the left is going, no, trans people should also kill innocent people in Yemen.

02:52:47.000 You guys are taking the wrong stance on this.

02:52:48.000 Is that Dave Smith?

02:52:49.000 Yeah.

02:52:50.000 It should be, don't kill random people at a wedding party.

02:52:52.000 Yeah.

02:52:54.000 Bro, how about when Trump tweeted out that Houthis thing, they got those guys in a circle, and they blow them all up, and Trump's like, they will never bomb our fucking ships again.

02:53:04.000 Okay, I don't have much advice for the Houthis other than stop fucking hanging out together.

02:53:12.000 Literally, in a circle, they all walk to a truck.

02:53:14.000 Oh, right.

02:53:15.000 It's like, stop!

02:53:16.000 Guys, one at a time.

02:53:18.000 I bet they don't pay any more.

02:53:21.000 They keep doing it.

02:53:22.000 Every time I see a drone strike, it's fucking 20 dudes walking together.

02:53:25.000 Well, what the anti-war people are saying is that that's a tribal ceremony.

02:53:30.000 That they get together in these groups that has nothing to do with the war.

02:53:34.000 Also possible.

02:53:36.000 I didn't know those guys.

02:53:37.000 Well, you can't ask questions when you're in a drone.

02:53:39.000 It's a terrorist group?

02:53:41.000 Yeah, you just label a terrorist.

02:53:43.000 Do I get a green light?

02:53:45.000 Do I get a green light or no?

02:53:46.000 Green light, green light, green light.

02:53:47.000 Yeah.

02:53:50.000 And that's been Bush, Obama, Biden, Trump.

02:53:53.000 Just kill anybody, label them later.

02:53:55.000 Well, the amount of people that get killed by drones that are innocents is off the charts.

02:54:00.000 Oh, yeah.

02:54:01.000 Any other type of warfare.

02:54:03.000 It's like 90%.

02:54:05.000 Yeah, we gotta go back to swords.

02:54:07.000 It'd be nice.

02:54:08.000 That'd be tough to catch a guy.

02:54:09.000 Like, that's the bad guy.

02:54:10.000 Catch a fucking bystander with a sword.

02:54:12.000 Yeah.

02:54:14.000 Well, back then, everybody was a bystander.

02:54:16.000 You know, the sword times, they didn't spare anybody.

02:54:19.000 You see they sent drones into Russia, Ukraine?

02:54:21.000 Oh, my God.

02:54:21.000 They hit them on that road.

02:54:23.000 I've heard about this.

02:54:24.000 Everything I've heard from Russia-Ukraine, I've never believed any of it.

02:54:27.000 It's been so much propaganda on both sides.

02:54:30.000 But the one thing that the Ukraine attack is legit, where they bombed all the bombers with the drones.

02:54:36.000 Yeah, they caused $7 billion in damage in one day.

02:54:40.000 They blew up all these...

02:54:44.000 Oh, planes.

02:54:45.000 They sent suicide drones to blow up all these bombers that were like on these airfields.

02:54:50.000 Suicide drones is such a great term.

02:54:51.000 It's just a bomb.

02:54:52.000 Yeah.

02:54:53.000 It's a remote control, but it doesn't shoot things.

02:54:56.000 It flies into things and detonates.

02:54:58.000 Whoa.

02:54:58.000 That's why they call them suicide drones.

02:55:00.000 Yeah, they fly the drone.

02:55:00.000 Yeah.

02:55:02.000 The drone is the weapon itself.

02:55:04.000 And it's, you know, it's intelligently controlled.

02:55:07.000 And they just fly them into these jets and blow them.

02:55:09.000 Japan was all over that.

02:55:11.000 Japan was?

02:55:12.000 Oh, yeah.

02:55:13.000 Also meth.

02:55:13.000 We got some drones.

02:55:15.000 That's why they got those guys to do it.

02:55:17.000 Really?

02:55:17.000 Meth.

02:55:18.000 Yeah, it was all meth.

02:55:20.000 The kamikazes, that was all meth.

02:55:22.000 Get those guys messed up and fly them right into the...

02:55:28.000 Same thing with the Nazis in the tanks.

02:55:31.000 The tank guys were the guys that had the most meth.

02:55:33.000 And the ones who dance at clubs.

02:55:35.000 It's the methiest molly.

02:55:37.000 Gets you going.

02:55:40.000 Remember the techno-viking?

02:55:41.000 Remember that guy?

02:55:42.000 That guy ruled.

02:55:42.000 Yeah.

02:55:43.000 Yeah, that guy ruled.

02:55:44.000 There was some guy who was being shitty to some girl, and he grabs him by the arm.

02:55:47.000 You, get out of here.

02:55:49.000 And some guy gives him a bottle of water, he drinks a little of the water, and then he starts working.

02:55:53.000 Viking dancing.

02:55:54.000 The techno-viking ruled.

02:55:55.000 Yeah, Viking dance rules.

02:55:57.000 I saw that on E-bombs World.

02:55:58.000 Can we see that guy, Jamie?

02:56:00.000 You got that guy?

02:56:00.000 I was like, here we go.

02:56:01.000 I loved E-bombs.

02:56:02.000 He's trying to steal.

02:56:03.000 So he takes this guy, hey, get out of here.

02:56:06.000 Get out of here.

02:56:07.000 I'm with that guy.

02:56:08.000 I'm going home.

02:56:09.000 Yeah, you're going home.

02:56:10.000 If you see this fucking dude, that dude has cardio.

02:56:12.000 He'll beat your ass for hours.

02:56:14.000 And then he has to point at him one more time.

02:56:16.000 Go!

02:56:18.000 You don't want to fuck with that guy.

02:56:21.000 Don't turn around.

02:56:22.000 That guy's, that's the bad motherfucker that hangs in the group.

02:56:25.000 And then look at this dork.

02:56:25.000 Let it go, bro.

02:56:26.000 Breathe it out.

02:56:27.000 The beta comes over, offers the water.

02:56:30.000 The beta.

02:56:30.000 Upside down water.

02:56:31.000 Trying to, like, you know, really important.

02:56:33.000 Yeah, but if that's your boy.

02:56:34.000 Yeah.

02:56:35.000 If one of your boys is the Viking guy.

02:56:36.000 He's like, chill bro, I know I'm dancing close to you.

02:56:38.000 And then the dance starts.

02:56:40.000 Give me some music, Jamie.

02:56:40.000 Is that a gun on the left of him?

02:56:43.000 Techno Viking in the house.

02:56:47.000 Holy moly, he can move.

02:56:49.000 Black socks all the way up.

02:56:51.000 That guy fucked all the dirty hippies that night.

02:56:53.000 No one else is dancing.

02:56:54.000 Yeah, I haven't seen it since I was a boy.

02:56:56.000 Now that I'm looking back on it, this guy's kind of fucking gay as shit.

02:56:59.000 No one else is dancing.

02:57:01.000 I remember being a kid thinking he was the man.

02:57:03.000 This guy blows.

02:57:04.000 People are walking through.

02:57:05.000 No one else is dancing like him.

02:57:07.000 You don't want to hang out with his guy.

02:57:08.000 Now they're dancing.

02:57:09.000 Fuck no, I don't want to hang out with him.

02:57:10.000 Although, oh, there's a cut to the dude who got sent away.

02:57:13.000 Poor dude.

02:57:15.000 Is this Detroit?

02:57:15.000 Where are we?

02:57:18.000 Oh, is it?

02:57:19.000 Okay.

02:57:20.000 Berlin!

02:57:21.000 Oh, Berlin!

02:57:22.000 That makes sense.

02:57:24.000 That could be the new name of Protect Our Parks.

02:57:31.000 That really is a fuck parade.

02:57:33.000 2000 Fuck Parade Berlin.

02:57:35.000 This is what pride is.

02:57:36.000 Boy, I hope they don't all gang up together and fight Russia.

02:57:39.000 Got crazy weird abs.

02:57:41.000 Oh, my God.

02:57:42.000 Yeah, mismatched.

02:57:42.000 Uneven.

02:57:43.000 A lot of abs are like that.

02:57:44.000 This almost says this whole thing could have been staged.

02:57:47.000 Because it was made by an artist, the whole video.

02:57:47.000 Really?

02:57:47.000 They're not sure.

02:57:49.000 Oh, it's totally staged.

02:57:51.000 That totally makes sense, because the way he pointed was so performatory.

02:57:55.000 to the guy too, why would they have followed up on the guy Jamie, always getting to the bond with things.

02:58:01.000 Jamie, you're great, and we all love you.

02:58:02.000 We do love you, Jamie.

02:58:03.000 You know we all love you.

02:58:04.000 I know you got fired up earlier.

02:58:06.000 Sorry about all that.

02:58:07.000 Well, you still bring it up Ohio, you get his fucking hackles up.

02:58:11.000 You get his hackles up.

02:58:12.000 This fucking asshole ass, he brought up fucking Notre Dame.

02:58:15.000 Yeah, but you gotta let him slide.

02:58:17.000 It's like when you have a little kid, you can't yell at him.

02:58:19.000 By the way, this is classic Ohio State.

02:58:22.000 They won the title, and they're still babies.

02:58:26.000 Oh boy.

02:58:27.000 They're still babies.

02:58:29.000 They like winning.

02:58:30.000 You can go, you know you guys lost to Michigan?

02:58:32.000 They all go, fuck you.

02:58:35.000 You guys won't even play them anymore.

02:58:36.000 Oh, boy.

02:58:37.000 They won't play us, dude.

02:58:39.000 Oh, whatever.

02:58:39.000 Be careful.

02:58:40.000 Look into that history.

02:58:41.000 You know what, Texas, though, Texas plays Ohio State, first game of the season, and they won't play them on Sunday night.

02:58:46.000 I did see that.

02:58:47.000 That pissed me off.

02:58:48.000 Why not?

02:58:49.000 They don't want it to be a night game.

02:58:52.000 Because fans, it's a much more rowdy environment.

02:58:52.000 Why?

02:58:56.000 They want a fucking noon kickoff.

02:58:58.000 It's Sunday.

02:58:59.000 It's the Lord's Day.

02:59:00.000 It's cowards work.

02:59:02.000 Yeah, they want hungover people.

02:59:03.000 That's funny when you have to schedule your games based on how fucked up people will be.

02:59:07.000 Let's be careful.

02:59:10.000 Oh, my God.

02:59:11.000 Joe, you would love watching Michigan walk into Ohio State.

02:59:14.000 Can I say it?

02:59:16.000 Uh-huh.

02:59:19.000 Jamie's got the controls.

02:59:21.000 Not today, Satan.

02:59:23.000 Only because you asked.

02:59:24.000 I'll show it.

02:59:25.000 Michigan, who I hate more than Ohio State, did suck this year.

02:59:29.000 They're playing at Ohio State.

02:59:31.000 Michigan has owned them for no fucking...

02:59:36.000 Yeah, three straight, yeah.

02:59:38.000 And it's just nice to watch a team walk into an entire environment that hates you.

02:59:44.000 Let me see.

02:59:45.000 And they're just together, just walking.

02:59:47.000 I mean, it's...

02:59:50.000 And Michigan's not even good here.

02:59:52.000 But it's nice to watch.

02:59:53.000 But they haven't lost to Ohio State, so it's like a great MMA game.

02:59:57.000 Okay, here we go.

02:59:59.000 Wait, they're not wanted?

03:00:00.000 It's only going to play 20 seconds, though.

03:00:02.000 That's alright, when it shows the stadium.

03:00:07.000 Wow, imagine being one of those guys about to play this game.

03:00:11.000 Fuck CTE.

03:00:12.000 Let's go.

03:00:12.000 Yeah, fuck CT.

03:00:13.000 Let's go.

03:00:14.000 Do I want to be smart when I'm fucking 70?

03:00:17.000 Who gives a fuck?

03:00:20.000 Is this it?

03:00:21.000 Is this it?

03:00:22.000 Oh, this is Ohio State.

03:00:24.000 You're going to watch that?

03:00:25.000 What's this?

03:00:27.000 Watch this.

03:00:28.000 Let's play this, too.

03:00:32.000 I want to hear this.

03:00:33.000 I want to hear this when they get out of the field.

03:00:36.000 They need four wins to restrict a crushing end of the season.

03:00:40.000 This is step one tonight.

03:00:42.000 This is not the Michigan game.

03:00:43.000 It's Tennessee.

03:00:44.000 Yeah.

03:00:46.000 Shit rules.

03:00:48.000 Man, he's got us fired up.

03:00:50.000 First ever December game?

03:00:53.000 That's when Ohio State turned it around.

03:00:57.000 What is first ever December gaming?

03:00:59.000 They just added the playoffs this year, so there's never been games this late.

03:01:04.000 That's exciting.

03:01:06.000 Oh, we're doing this?

03:01:07.000 This is amazing.

03:01:09.000 Enter Sandman, Virginia Tech, Miami.

03:01:11.000 We did that already.

03:01:14.000 We got some good entrances.

03:01:15.000 Hold on.

03:01:16.000 We got some good entrances.

03:01:17.000 Sandman's the greatest fucking, the greatest beginning of a game song of all time.

03:01:21.000 Fuck, I'm trying to think of some good entrances.

03:01:26.000 Metallica just played Blacksburg.

03:01:31.000 They played Virginia Tech Stadium.

03:01:32.000 But how about when they played Berlin after the fall?

03:01:35.000 Is that right?

03:01:36.000 Oh my god.

03:01:37.000 No, no, no.

03:01:38.000 You're thinking Moscow.

03:01:39.000 Moscow, that's right.

03:01:40.000 They played Moscow.

03:01:41.000 It's the best.

03:01:42.000 Like, a million people there.

03:01:43.000 We've definitely watched that.

03:01:44.000 We've watched that.

03:01:45.000 It's the most insane concert you've ever seen in your life.

03:01:47.000 You need to see it.

03:01:47.000 Well, fuck it.

03:01:48.000 Ari needs to see it right now.

03:01:49.000 Ari's definitely seen it in that seat.

03:01:51.000 But he needs to see it right now, because he's in another seat.

03:01:53.000 I love it.

03:01:54.000 This shit rocks.

03:01:54.000 After that, you've got to show Billy Joel in USSR.

03:01:57.000 We've done that, too.

03:01:58.000 We saw that.

03:01:59.000 We've done that as well.

03:02:00.000 Have we ever played Led Zeppelin?

03:02:02.000 Jump Around Wisconsin.

03:02:03.000 That's a good one.

03:02:05.000 The sound isn't as good as you need it to be.

03:02:08.000 There's an Ariana Grande concert in London.

03:02:11.000 Manchester, you asshole.

03:02:14.000 Imagine being in that audience.

03:02:17.000 Look at that fucking crowd!

03:02:26.000 Is this Berlin?

03:02:28.000 It's Blacksburg, Virginia.

03:02:30.000 They're about to watch some mediocre football.

03:02:30.000 show.

03:02:33.000 Yo, Hokies.

03:02:37.000 Take it over, head on the board, down on the side of the starting.

03:02:41.000 Now he goes to the plate.

03:02:43.000 Turn on straddle, back to the plate.

03:02:45.000 Fire, into the left side.

03:02:47.000 Hey, white band members.

03:02:52.000 I'd love to tell you I didn't watch this earlier today.

03:02:58.000 Oh, man.

03:02:59.000 is the fucking Coliseum.

03:03:09.000 Oh, you gotta run there.

03:03:20.000 What a fucking song.

03:03:21.000 America fucking rules.

03:03:23.000 What a country.

03:03:24.000 What are we talking about?

03:03:25.000 Of course people walk here from Guatemala.

03:03:28.000 Dude, if I saw Wisconsin going this crazy and I lived in Guatemala, I would go, bro, I gotta walk.

03:03:34.000 I'm going across that fucking desert.

03:03:37.000 Extra bottles of water, and I'm making it across that fucking desert.

03:03:41.000 That video we just showed has 65,000 people in the crowd.

03:03:45.000 The first one we watched was Ohio Stadium, and this place here is double.

03:03:48.000 Wow!

03:03:50.000 Holy shit.

03:03:50.000 This is the big house.

03:03:51.000 70,000 there.

03:03:52.000 Holy shit.

03:03:53.000 You know how I was supposed to perform there this year?

03:03:55.000 Really?

03:03:56.000 Me and Zach Bryan were going to do Michigan Stadium.

03:03:58.000 Yeah.

03:03:59.000 And they said no to me.

03:04:01.000 But then they cut you back on, I thought.

03:04:02.000 Well, Notre Dame got me.

03:04:04.000 Oh, that's right.

03:04:04.000 What?

03:04:05.000 They said no to you?

03:04:06.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

03:04:07.000 What did you do?

03:04:08.000 I have fucking some stuff.

03:04:10.000 I said a couple things.

03:04:13.000 Come on, man.

03:04:14.000 You guys are joking around.

03:04:15.000 Back in the day, I didn't mean it.

03:04:18.000 Let's leave with Russia.

03:04:20.000 Do Enter Sandman in Russia.

03:04:22.000 Oh, shit.

03:04:23.000 Don't.

03:04:23.000 That's the shit.

03:04:24.000 Don't do it.

03:04:24.000 Do we want to promote Russia?

03:04:26.000 Nah, it's just the fucking people.

03:04:26.000 Do you look at the size of the crowd?

03:04:27.000 No, this is America giving it to Russia.

03:04:29.000 This is America going, bro.

03:04:31.000 You want to see what's good?

03:04:32.000 Okay.

03:04:33.000 Look at the size of the fucking crowd.

03:04:35.000 This is Moscow, 1991.

03:04:37.000 Look at that crowd.

03:04:38.000 Holy shit, how many people is that?

03:04:41.000 Helicopter right over it?

03:04:42.000 Bro, it has to be millions.

03:04:44.000 They said it's over a million.

03:04:44.000 Why is the helicopter right there?

03:04:46.000 It's the end of your empire.

03:04:48.000 Look at this.

03:04:48.000 Yeah.

03:04:50.000 We're all poor.

03:04:51.000 Putin saw this and goes, I'll be back.

03:04:54.000 Yeah, he came back.

03:04:56.000 He's in the KGB at the time.

03:04:58.000 He's a kid here.

03:05:00.000 Moscow.

03:05:02.000 Fuel.

03:05:05.000 Oh shit.

03:05:06.000 Look at that fucking crowd.

03:05:08.000 Jesus Christ.

03:05:09.000 Can you imagine being on that stage what that energy feels like?

03:05:11.000 No. 1.6 million.

03:05:18.000 Oh my god.

03:05:20.000 In the crowd?

03:05:21.000 Man, it's like Sunset Club.

03:05:24.000 Sunset.

03:05:24.000 Up to 2 million.

03:05:25.000 1.6 million in the crowd?

03:05:28.000 That's so crazy.

03:05:29.000 You do one show, you retire.

03:05:31.000 Yeah.

03:05:32.000 How was the paycheck, I wonder?

03:05:32.000 No, they didn't.

03:05:34.000 Oh, it must have been in rubles.

03:05:36.000 Yeah, it must have been nothing.

03:05:37.000 You get five potatoes and your life.

03:05:41.000 You get to live.

03:05:42.000 We are not going to kill you.

03:05:45.000 Congratulations.

03:05:46.000 Long-haired gaze.

03:05:51.000 All right, wait.

03:05:52.000 I know we're trying to play it out.

03:05:53.000 This is crazy.

03:05:54.000 Keep it coming.

03:05:55.000 I don't want to go home.

03:05:56.000 Now, J-Mo.

03:05:58.000 Woodstock 99 corn.

03:06:00.000 All right, we really hit the bottom here.

03:06:02.000 Hold on.

03:06:03.000 Woodstock corn.

03:06:04.000 Trust me, Daddy.

03:06:06.000 Trust me, Daddy.

03:06:08.000 I hate corn.

03:06:11.000 That's a good night.

03:06:12.000 And tonight, 10. Oh, they need this.

03:06:22.000 This is protect our parks.

03:06:26.000 Damn.

03:06:28.000 I mean, there's supposed to be no experience on earth, like being...

03:06:35.000 There's no experience on Earth.

03:06:37.000 Also, there's no coming back.

03:06:39.000 What do you mean?

03:06:39.000 Yeah.

03:06:40.000 Have you seen that?

03:06:41.000 You go...

03:06:44.000 What?

03:06:45.000 What's the Asian guy who does the biggest song in the world?

03:06:48.000 Oh, that guy.

03:06:50.000 Gangnam Style.

03:06:52.000 I'm sorry, when he comes up from the stage.

03:06:57.000 Look, you're allowed to not like corn.

03:07:00.000 I didn't really like that until I saw this fucking video.

03:07:02.000 We'll see it.

03:07:03.000 I trust you.

03:07:05.000 You would never throw us a bad one.

03:07:07.000 I wouldn't do this other than that Bulldog video that never got brought up.

03:07:10.000 Trust me.

03:07:11.000 You fucked up with the Ohio video that never got brought up.

03:07:14.000 Here it is.

03:07:16.000 Alright, I saw some jigs.

03:07:17.000 Look at all those skanks fans.

03:07:20.000 Look at the jugs on Jiggly.

03:07:26.000 Fan flags him.

03:07:28.000 99!

03:07:29.000 It was pre-9 /11.

03:07:32.000 This was on pay-per-view.

03:07:34.000 Holy shit.

03:07:35.000 That guy's...

03:07:37.000 Full hood.

03:07:43.000 I remember this song.

03:07:45.000 With my youth.

03:07:48.000 I think the idea here, keep an eye on the crowd, right?

03:07:50.000 Yeah.

03:07:51.000 And also, you know what got me with...

03:07:54.000 The lead singer's face when he walks out and sees the crowd.

03:07:57.000 He gets it.

03:07:58.000 Like you just watch a guy like take that energy in.

03:08:01.000 *Dramatic music*

03:08:08.000 This is a weird time in music.

03:08:10.000 Like, rock, rap?

03:08:11.000 Yeah.

03:08:14.000 DMX played earlier in the day.

03:08:16.000 Okay.

03:08:17.000 Kid Rock.

03:08:18.000 Limp Bizkit.

03:08:21.000 Oh geez.

03:08:40.000 Oh my god!

03:08:41.000 Oh my god, look at that crowd!

03:08:43.000 Look at the crowd!

03:08:44.000 No, that crowd's alive!

03:08:45.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

03:08:46.000 That's a living organism.

03:08:49.000 Imagine being an alien, and you come down, you watch it, and you're like, what the fuck are they doing?

03:08:54.000 The pinnacle of their existence seems to be giving yourself CTE in front of a million people.

03:08:59.000 Yeah.

03:09:00.000 Headbanging.

03:09:02.000 Anyway, that one got me going.

03:09:03.000 That's fun.

03:09:04.000 That was the 90s, baby.

03:09:05.000 What was the last one that we wanted to do?

03:09:07.000 Gangnam Style.

03:09:08.000 When he does that jump out.

03:09:10.000 Jump out for the win.

03:09:13.000 Did he have any other big hits other than that?

03:09:15.000 No, he faded away.

03:09:16.000 No, he had one other big one.

03:09:17.000 Right off that one.

03:09:19.000 Really?

03:09:19.000 Yeah.

03:09:20.000 I kind of remember it, too.

03:09:21.000 Norman already shut him down.

03:09:22.000 Wow, I thought he got the COVID.

03:09:23.000 And his flowers, as the kids like to say.

03:09:25.000 Oh, shit.

03:09:26.000 My bad.

03:09:27.000 No one's like, fuck him.

03:09:29.000 Fuck him.

03:09:29.000 He went away.

03:09:30.000 Psy-op.

03:09:33.000 Psy-op.

03:09:34.000 There we go.

03:09:35.000 We'll sit in the festival.

03:09:37.000 It's just for him.

03:09:38.000 This isn't it, is it?

03:09:40.000 No, the one when he pops out of the floor.

03:09:42.000 That was like the fucking Asian Macarena.

03:09:45.000 He comes flying out of the floor.

03:09:47.000 This is it.

03:09:48.000 The Macarena.

03:09:49.000 Watch this.

03:09:54.000 Oh my god.

03:09:56.000 Oh my god.

03:09:57.000 That fucking rules.

03:09:59.000 And he goes right into it.

03:10:00.000 Holy shit.

03:10:02.000 Look at the size of that place.

03:10:05.000 They're gonna all kill us eventually.

03:10:08.000 Holy shit.

03:10:09.000 Oh, they're chanting it.

03:10:10.000 Fucking Squid Game.

03:10:12.000 Look at the size of that crowd.

03:10:15.000 Literally drone footage, dude.

03:10:16.000 We're gonna rock them.

03:10:21.000 Holy shit.

03:10:24.000 Holy shit!

03:10:25.000 That's insane!

03:10:29.000 Wow.

03:10:30.000 Wow!

03:10:32.000 How many people was that, I wonder?

03:10:34.000 Holy shit.

03:10:35.000 It shook the whole place.

03:10:37.000 Yeah, no shit.

03:10:37.000 That's millions of people.

03:10:39.000 Can you imagine being his wife?

03:10:40.000 Be like, hey, could you clean up a little?

03:10:44.000 See what I fucking did?

03:10:45.000 I just flew out of the floor.

03:10:47.000 Shut the fuck up and cook me a sandwich.

03:10:51.000 Alright, we're done.

03:10:52.000 Should we eat?

03:10:53.000 God bless America.

03:10:54.000 Yeah.

03:10:55.000 Yeah, hell yeah.

03:10:55.000 Let's go get some gout!

03:10:56.000 Yeah!

03:10:58.000 Gout of order.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 05, 2025

Joe Rogan Experience #2333 - Protect Our Parks 15

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