The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #24 - Eddie Bravo

00:00:00.000 There it goes.

00:00:01.000 Now it's recording.

00:00:02.000 All right, ladies and gentlemen, what's up?

00:00:04.000 Welcome to the weekly Ustream podcast.

00:00:07.000 I think it's like week 2000. What week is it, Brian?

00:00:12.000 24th week. 1.00

00:00:13.000 Brian is on top of shit, son. 1.00

00:00:16.000 Yeah, 24th week. 1.00

00:00:17.000 And joined today is jujitsu master, musician, best friend, Eddie the Twister.

00:00:24.000 Bravo.

00:00:24.000 Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big round of applause for Mr. Eddie Bravo joining us here today.

00:00:29.000 Eddie just had some pizza. 1.00

00:00:30.000 Fuck that diet up, son. 1.00

00:00:32.000 Yeah, fucked it up. 1.00

00:00:34.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:00:34.000 We got real mics now, man. 0.97

00:00:37.000 We're all in solidarity if you want.

00:00:39.000 Okay, cool.

00:00:40.000 I like this.

00:00:41.000 When you talk right into it, it makes it so much better.

00:00:43.000 We were having problems when we first started doing this.

00:00:45.000 We just figured out how to do a podcast basically without asking anybody. 0.99

00:00:48.000 We just trial and error and we fucked a lot of shit up. 0.98

00:00:51.000 But the biggest thing we fucked up in the beginning was the sound. 0.99

00:00:54.000 The sound was really bad at first. 1.00

00:00:55.000 But now we got that shit locked down. 0.99

00:00:58.000 So that's good. 0.99

00:00:59.000 What are you doing?

00:01:01.000 He's practicing. 0.97

00:01:02.000 Is it gay to hold a mic like this? 0.99

00:01:04.000 It's like smoking a cigarette in France. 0.97

00:01:06.000 What movie is this from?

00:01:07.000 There's a movie where a guy is singing karaoke and he's holding the mic like this.

00:01:11.000 There's a dude who used to do comedy like that.

00:01:12.000 Does anybody know?

00:01:13.000 He used to hang it in front of his face like this.

00:01:15.000 I don't remember who it was. 1.00

00:01:16.000 This is like you're sucking a cock right here. 0.99

00:01:19.000 Well, I've never even considered that. 1.00

00:01:21.000 Fleshlight.

00:01:22.000 Yes.

00:01:22.000 Before we go anywhere, we're sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:01:25.000 This podcast is a sponsored podcast.

00:01:28.000 But I'll be quite honest with you. 0.99

00:01:30.000 If we were not sponsored by The Fleshlight and we just became a subject of the conversation of the podcast, I would tell you, go buy one of those fucking things. 0.99

00:01:39.000 They're awesome. 0.99

00:01:40.000 Don't be embarrassed. 0.99

00:01:41.000 Everybody jerks off. 0.99

00:01:42.000 It's silly. 1.00

00:01:43.000 If you jerk off and you wouldn't fuck a rubber pussy, you're crazy. 1.00

00:01:47.000 It's just pleasure. 1.00

00:01:49.000 It's just pleasure. 0.99

00:01:49.000 And it feels way better than jerk off. 0.99

00:01:51.000 I got a good fleshlight story. 0.99

00:01:53.000 Yeah?

00:01:53.000 Oh, let's hear it.

00:01:54.000 Let's hear it.

00:01:55.000 Let's hear it.

00:01:55.000 It's about when I bought it.

00:01:58.000 I've had it for a while.

00:02:00.000 I've used it maybe 20 times.

00:02:04.000 Right. 0.99

00:02:04.000 It's fucking pretty good. 0.99

00:02:05.000 Pretty goddamn good. 1.00

00:02:06.000 If you're going to jerk off. 1.00

00:02:07.000 Something about your own hand touching your cock cancels out some feeling or something. 1.00

00:02:12.000 It doesn't feel as good as someone else jerking you off or sucking you off or whatever. 1.00

00:02:15.000 So that's where the fleshlight comes in. 1.00

00:02:17.000 I mean, it feels pretty fucking good. 0.98

00:02:20.000 You got the right porn or whatever. 0.98

00:02:21.000 But anyways...

00:02:22.000 About three years ago, maybe two years ago, I met this girl when we were on the road in Texas somewhere.

00:02:30.000 Maybe Houston or Dallas or something like that.

00:02:32.000 I was on the road with you.

00:02:33.000 Met her and we kept in touch.

00:02:37.000 She came out to LA and hung out for a weekend.

00:02:41.000 And for some reason, she wasn't down at all. 0.88

00:02:42.000 She wasn't Oh that's right Remember that She wasn't down at all She didn't want me to touch her Now she's Staying at my fucking house And she doesn't even want to touch me I didn't kiss her or nothing So I decided to take her to the Hustler store And go shopping for a fleshlight That's right This is a great story. 0.98

00:03:00.000 So she couldn't fucking believe that... 0.96

00:03:02.000 She thought I was kidding, that I went to the store to buy a fleshlight. 1.00

00:03:05.000 I'm like, hey, if you're not going to give me the pussy, I gotta... 1.00

00:03:08.000 You know, this is the second best thing. 1.00

00:03:09.000 Can't invite another girl over. 1.00

00:03:11.000 Come on.

00:03:12.000 So that's my fleshlight story.

00:03:14.000 I used it that night, too, while she passed out in bed.

00:03:19.000 Cool.

00:03:20.000 It's pretty good, isn't it?

00:03:21.000 It's better than using your hand.

00:03:23.000 It's better than using your hand.

00:03:24.000 If you could hire a Mexican to clean it up afterwards, then it would be awesome. 1.00

00:03:29.000 Hire a Mexican? 1.00

00:03:30.000 Why does it have to be a Mexican, man? 1.00

00:03:31.000 They work cheap. 0.96

00:03:34.000 You're not going to put a white dude to clean up your fleshlight when you're done. 0.97

00:03:39.000 You've got to go to Home Depot and pick up a couple guys and they'll switch off.

00:03:42.000 I was at Target the other day and there's these things called magic microphones for kids.

00:03:47.000 It's a kid's toy that looks just like a fleshlight.

00:03:50.000 If you look at it, you're like, oh, the same company that makes fleshlights must also make this microphone.

00:03:54.000 Oh my god.

00:03:54.000 And so I pick it up and I go to my girlfriend, I'm like, look, they got fleshlights here!

00:03:58.000 And right, I look, I'm like, oh, stupid. 1.00

00:04:00.000 I look around, there's kids everywhere, and mom's looking at me, and I'm like, oh, fuck. 1.00

00:04:05.000 It's funny how it's got a bad, like, you know, there's a bad feeling attached to it, that there's something wrong with this rubber pussy. 1.00

00:04:12.000 There's something wrong with pleasure. 0.99

00:04:13.000 If it was just a massage thing, it was just like, look, I got a massage thing that makes your back feel awesome.

00:04:18.000 Everybody would be like, oh, cool, the guy's making his back feel awesome. 0.99

00:04:21.000 There's something about making your dick feel awesome that freaks everybody out. 1.00

00:04:25.000 Would you freak out if your son was using the flashlight at 11? 1.00

00:04:29.000 Would that be bad?

00:04:30.000 No.

00:04:30.000 No, right?

00:04:30.000 No, not at all.

00:04:31.000 You'd get him one for his birthday, right?

00:04:32.000 I would say, listen, man, your body is a biological organism that doesn't understand your life.

00:04:39.000 It wants you to make decisions for it, not for you. 1.00

00:04:42.000 So it's going to try to trick you into fucking. 1.00

00:04:44.000 Someone with no condom and having babies. 1.00

00:04:47.000 I mean, that's what your body's trying to do. 1.00

00:04:48.000 And it can get real confusing who you actually like as opposed to who your dick is telling you you like. 1.00

00:04:54.000 You know, when you're horny all the time, your dick convinces you that you like people you don't even like just because you can fuck them. 1.00

00:05:00.000 And for a kid, when you're just learning how to get into relationships, that shit's very tricky. 1.00

00:05:04.000 I think every young kid could benefit from... 1.00

00:05:07.000 They should teach kids how to jerk off in school. 1.00

00:05:09.000 They should teach kids how your dick is going to confuse you, and how it's going to send you all these messages, and being horny is actually a baffling thing that takes years and years to master. 1.00

00:05:19.000 And they can make Hannah Montana fleshlights. 0.99

00:05:21.000 Can you imagine?

00:05:22.000 It'd be like a $20 billion industry. 1.00

00:05:25.000 I wonder if that would be illegal if she sponsored a fleshlight for high school kids and she's not saying it's her pussy. 1.00

00:05:31.000 Safe sex. 1.00

00:05:31.000 She's promoting safe sex. 1.00

00:05:32.000 Wouldn't that be insane?

00:05:34.000 Why not, right?

00:05:35.000 That'd be so smart. 1.00

00:05:36.000 I mean, are we really pretending that kids aren't fucking? 0.99

00:05:39.000 You know, kids get to be 16 years old. 0.99

00:05:40.000 She's like 16 or 17. They're fucking, man. 1.00

00:05:43.000 They're fucking. 1.00

00:05:44.000 The problem is, even if she wants to talk about it and shit... 1.00

00:05:48.000 It's still illegal. 1.00

00:05:51.000 They're not supposed to be fucking, and no one's supposed to be fucking them that's older than them. 0.99

00:05:56.000 You didn't go to jail. 1.00

00:05:57.000 If you're 18, and your girlfriend is 17 years and 10 months, and you fuck her, you go to jail? 1.00

00:06:04.000 Is that really happening? 1.00

00:06:05.000 Yes.

00:06:06.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:06:06.000 People have gotten arrested for shit like that. 0.99

00:06:07.000 Is that still happening? 0.99

00:06:07.000 Yeah, it's real. 0.99

00:06:08.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:06:09.000 You know what's happening that's even scarier than that? 1.00

00:06:11.000 Is a gang of kids are getting popped for child pornography for taking pictures of their pussies on their fucking cell phones. 1.00

00:06:18.000 Oh shit. 1.00

00:06:18.000 Taking pictures of their dicks. 1.00

00:06:19.000 That's really what's happening, man. 1.00

00:06:21.000 Damn. 0.99

00:06:22.000 People are getting in trouble? 1.00

00:06:23.000 They're calling it criminal tools.

00:06:25.000 A girl was arrested on child pornography charges because she's 15 years old.

00:06:30.000 She sent pictures of herself to a bunch of kids in her class and they eventually dropped the child pornography charges but they charged her with one count of using criminal tools.

00:06:39.000 The criminal tool was a cell phone.

00:06:42.000 That was an account they had against her. 1.00

00:06:44.000 She took a cell phone to take a picture of her pussy, so that was a criminal tool. 1.00

00:06:48.000 You hear that, guys? 1.00

00:06:48.000 Delete all that shit. 1.00

00:06:49.000 How crazy is that, man? 1.00

00:06:51.000 Think about what it would be like if that was your daughter, and you found out that your daughter was doing that.

00:06:57.000 I hope.

00:06:57.000 What?

00:06:57.000 Same thing.

00:06:58.000 I think we talked about...

00:06:59.000 Last time you guys were here, you guys talked about the exact same thing together.

00:07:01.000 The fleshlight story?

00:07:02.000 You guys just love talking about...

00:07:03.000 Did I? The fleshlight story?

00:07:05.000 The sexting.

00:07:06.000 Oh, the sexting.

00:07:07.000 Oh, the sexting.

00:07:08.000 Did we talk about it last time?

00:07:08.000 Yeah, you know what?

00:07:09.000 It's still fascinating to me.

00:07:10.000 That's a very important part of life.

00:07:12.000 Let's not pay attention to that Twitter feed, Brian.

00:07:14.000 I don't really want to know what people want us to talk about. 1.00

00:07:16.000 Shut that shit off. 1.00

00:07:17.000 That shit drives me crazy. 1.00

00:07:19.000 You're freaking me out, son. 1.00

00:07:20.000 Wait, isn't that what we got here?

00:07:22.000 Yeah, this is freaking me out too, but I don't read it.

00:07:25.000 You don't?

00:07:25.000 If you read it too much, man, then you're going to change the subject of your conversation.

00:07:29.000 You're going to start listening to what they're saying.

00:07:30.000 You're getting too serious about this, Joe.

00:07:32.000 No, I'm not getting serious.

00:07:33.000 It's distracting.

00:07:34.000 It's distracting for a good conversation.

00:07:36.000 So what do you guys think about the new iPhone that just was announced yesterday?

00:07:38.000 It's pretty crazy. 0.99

00:07:39.000 The iPhone is going to change a lot of shit, man. 1.00

00:07:43.000 First of all, everyone's going to be using it for phone sex. 1.00

00:07:46.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:07:46.000 Because you can see the other person. 0.98

00:07:48.000 You can see them. 0.97

00:07:49.000 That's what's fucked up because I was thinking about this the other day. 0.94

00:07:52.000 You know how texting and Twitter and everything's fucking up people's games or just lies in general? 0.55

00:07:57.000 Now people are going to be like, your ex is going to call you or your girl is going to call you and go, where are you at right now?

00:08:01.000 You're like, I'm with my friends.

00:08:02.000 Oh yeah, well turn on your video.

00:08:03.000 Let me see where you're at.

00:08:05.000 And that's going to happen with bosses and work. 0.99

00:08:07.000 You just say, bitch doesn't have any Wi-Fi. 1.00

00:08:09.000 Well, that's only for 2010. That's just because AT&T is trying to build up their network. 0.98

00:08:14.000 Do you think the network is ever going to get built up where they can handle two-way phone calls with everybody?

00:08:18.000 Absolutely. 0.99

00:08:18.000 Because, you know, people are going to leave that shit on. 0.99

00:08:21.000 Absolutely. 1.00

00:08:21.000 You're going to come to work with me, okay? 1.00

00:08:23.000 And they're going to be walking around.

00:08:24.000 People aren't going to be watching where they're going.

00:08:26.000 Absolutely.

00:08:26.000 That's why AT&T regulated their data plans the other day.

00:08:30.000 Because they know that that shit's going to happen. 0.98

00:08:33.000 So you think they're just building up to it? 1.00

00:08:35.000 How are they going to be able to handle that?

00:08:36.000 This is going to be like when texting first came out.

00:08:39.000 When you first got texting, everyone said, this is not going to work.

00:08:41.000 No one's going to ever do this.

00:08:43.000 But then texting plans were really expensive and ridiculous, you know, because all these newcomers, I used to have jokes about texting. 1.00

00:08:51.000 My fucking 2005 Showtime special, there's a joke in there when I'm like, it takes you four presses to get an S. Why don't you just fucking call me? 0.99

00:09:00.000 What are you doing? 0.99

00:09:01.000 Why are you making me read?

00:09:03.000 This is going to be exactly like this.

00:09:04.000 Just think about how much that's changed in five years.

00:09:07.000 Yeah, video calling in five years from now is going to be the norm.

00:09:10.000 That's all it's going to be.

00:09:12.000 People are going to laugh at you for normal calling.

00:09:14.000 You know, I think.

00:09:15.000 I think that's, you know, we're going towards Star Trek.

00:09:17.000 Yeah.

00:09:18.000 We are, we are, right?

00:09:19.000 It's going to be called something, too.

00:09:20.000 Like when someone, like your girlfriend calls you up and says, okay, I need a webcam scan.

00:09:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:26.000 Okay, here's the way.

00:09:26.000 So you got to tell all your buddies, like you could be at a party and go, Webcam scan!

00:09:30.000 Webcam scan!

00:09:31.000 All the girls duck under and go, look, look, honey, I'm here. 1.00

00:09:33.000 Boom.

00:09:34.000 Oh, look, and then bam, a quick little once-over.

00:09:36.000 You know what you would do?

00:09:37.000 You would just have the whole party spin behind you.

00:09:40.000 Just move really slowly, everybody.

00:09:43.000 Everybody, just stay with me.

00:09:45.000 Stay with me.

00:09:46.000 It's the webcam scan. 0.96

00:09:47.000 You're not I'm fucking moving fast enough. 0.96

00:09:49.000 Okay, you better webcam scan right now. 0.96

00:09:51.000 I just want you to spin around in a circle as quick as you can and show me the whole room.

00:09:55.000 I need to see the whole room.

00:09:55.000 After a while, you're going to have to do it quick.

00:09:57.000 It can't be fast.

00:09:58.000 But then people are just going to get faster.

00:10:00.000 It's going to be a sport.

00:10:03.000 You'll have gambling to see whether or not you can tell those people in the room.

00:10:06.000 Okay, let's go into the bathroom. 1.00

00:10:08.000 Look behind the curtain.

00:10:09.000 Okay, now let's go out to the back. 0.99

00:10:10.000 That's actually a cool fucking game. 0.98

00:10:12.000 How about this game? 0.99

00:10:13.000 How about you have a game where you bet whether or not someone is in someone's house.

00:10:18.000 And someone takes you on a tour of their house and you bet whether or not there's other people in the house hiding.

00:10:22.000 Hmm. 0.99

00:10:23.000 How about you have a pre-recorded fucking scenarios? 0.99

00:10:27.000 You have like 30 of them. 0.99

00:10:28.000 Your house one, you're at your mom's, you have all these.

00:10:30.000 So anybody calls, go look.

00:10:32.000 Yeah, boom.

00:10:33.000 And then, you know, they think it's live, but it's really a video.

00:10:35.000 We gotta get on that.

00:10:36.000 You know, my problem is you would have to show your face too.

00:10:39.000 You're supposed to show your face talking in that environment.

00:10:42.000 Oh, they're gonna have to.

00:10:42.000 It would have to be like almost like a green screen.

00:10:45.000 The great Joey Diaz said the best thing. 1.00

00:10:46.000 When I was talking to him about this, Joey Diaz says, he's going to be like, imagine calling your girl and go, let me see your pussy right now. 1.00

00:10:51.000 See how red it is. 1.00

00:10:52.000 I know what it looks like after you got fucked. 1.00

00:10:54.000 Hold it up against white. 1.00

00:10:55.000 Let me see the color.

00:10:58.000 Just to talk her into showing her Yeah, yeah, because then, because seriously, that's how it's going to come down to. 1.00

00:11:03.000 You're going to be able to just go, let me see what your pussy looks like right now. 1.00

00:11:07.000 I can tell if you got fucked. 1.00

00:11:08.000 Just that statement, that just shows you the mentality of Joey Diaz, how funny Joey is. 1.00

00:11:13.000 Joey's thinking about tricking girls into showing their pussy. 1.00

00:11:16.000 He's not, you know, he's all about, no, no, no, no, no, I need to see it right now. 1.00

00:11:21.000 Come on, let's go. 0.98

00:11:22.000 What do you got? 1.00

00:11:23.000 It's all about trapping them into showing their pussy. 1.00

00:11:26.000 It's not even really asking them. 1.00

00:11:28.000 It's like part of the hustle for Joey is you trick them.

00:11:31.000 I think it's going to make people a lot more faithful because I really believe that Twitter and Facebook has really...

00:11:38.000 It makes it so hard to cheat.

00:11:40.000 People are like, okay, if I'm...

00:11:41.000 There's a lot more single people because it's way too hard to cheat. 1.00

00:11:45.000 But if you decide to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, you're like, fuck it. 0.99

00:11:48.000 I ain't even going to try. 0.99

00:11:49.000 You make a comment on one person's picture, everybody knows that you just commented on some girl's picture.

00:11:55.000 So it's like, you don't even bother.

00:11:57.000 You might as well be faithful.

00:11:58.000 And it's not going to stay where it's at.

00:12:00.000 It's going to move on to some next craziness.

00:12:03.000 And I think that has to do with this iPhone camera.

00:12:05.000 I think that's the next stage of craziness.

00:12:07.000 The next stage of intrusion into people's lives.

00:12:09.000 And some people are going to reject it.

00:12:11.000 Did you do FaceTime? 1.00

00:12:13.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:12:13.000 Just like texting. 1.00

00:12:14.000 Just like picture message.

00:12:15.000 Just like everything.

00:12:16.000 That's why when people are freaking out about Flash, I feel the same thing about that.

00:12:20.000 People are freaking out because you're not thinking ahead.

00:12:22.000 You're not thinking about what's next or what's going to be the future.

00:12:26.000 When you say freaking about Flash for the non-technologically...

00:12:29.000 Macromedia Flash.

00:12:31.000 What Macromedia Flash is a program on your websites when you see like animation and different kinds of like, you know, you put your cursor over something and it does some funky thing.

00:12:40.000 Most of the time you're dealing with Flash on a lot of these sites and apparently Flash crashes a lot.

00:12:45.000 I've had it crash a bunch of times on me. 0.99

00:12:47.000 And Microsoft has their own version of shit. 0.99

00:12:50.000 What is it? 1.00

00:12:50.000 Silverlight? 1.00

00:12:51.000 Yeah.

00:12:51.000 But what's cool is that there's actually companies now that have software that if you put it into Flash, and I guess Flash is working with this company, that if you go to this website and it has Flash, Flash will detect that you do not have Flash on your iPad or whatever, and it will convert it into an HTML 5.0 program or whatever.

00:13:11.000 So that's what YouTube does.

00:13:13.000 No, I think YouTube just uses a different codec.

00:13:15.000 But there's some websites where you can go to on the iPad and you can still watch it videos.

00:13:19.000 And that's HTML5 you're watching?

00:13:21.000 You're watching it just a – Flash has moved on from – YouTube doesn't use Flash as much anymore.

00:13:27.000 It uses a codec, H2.64, I believe.

00:13:30.000 So it's not even in Flash anymore.

00:13:31.000 You're watching it just – you're just watching a video file.

00:13:34.000 I think you're right that people are hesitant to change and then they worry about flash falling apart and, you know, they say, oh, this is crazy, you know, my website is coded like this and that's just how it should be. 0.87

00:13:43.000 But when new shit comes along that's better, you just gotta accept it, you know?

00:13:47.000 I think what's more fascinating to me than anything is this FaceTime thing and the rise of the droid phones. 0.99

00:13:54.000 Dude, droid phones are like an infection. 0.92

00:13:57.000 There's like so many goddamn droid phones now and they do everything the iPhone does and more. 0.98

00:14:03.000 What about the new iPhone? 0.96

00:14:04.000 The new iPhone has the front face feature.

00:14:07.000 That's a pretty big feature.

00:14:08.000 And the HD camera?

00:14:09.000 Come on.

00:14:09.000 Blackberry is still number one, though.

00:14:12.000 Blackberry is still number one.

00:14:13.000 Droid is nothing new.

00:14:14.000 It's just an operating system, just like Windows Mobile was.

00:14:16.000 Yeah, but these are dope-ass phones.

00:14:18.000 They're dope-ass phones that are doing something that's trying to be like an iPhone.

00:14:23.000 Exactly.

00:14:23.000 And it's not doing it as good.

00:14:25.000 If you use any application on a Droid and compare it to the iPhone version, almost 99.9% of the time it falls a little short.

00:14:33.000 Okay, but you're saying this based on the little experience that you had for a couple weeks with that phone.

00:14:38.000 No, I've had it for a month.

00:14:40.000 I used it straight for a month.

00:14:41.000 And you think that that operating system, what they were doing back then, is the same as now?

00:14:46.000 It's all the same?

00:14:46.000 It's the exact same.

00:14:47.000 I used the newest one.

00:14:49.000 I had the newest version.

00:14:50.000 Okay, but yours was the Motorola Droid, which is not supposed to be as good as this HTC Evo.

00:14:55.000 No, you're talking about the hardware, though.

00:14:56.000 You're not talking about the operating system.

00:14:57.000 Yeah, but doesn't HTC alter the operating system a little bit?

00:15:02.000 No, it puts a skin on it.

00:15:04.000 That's all it is.

00:15:05.000 It's just a skin off the operating system.

00:15:07.000 Does it make it work more effectively?

00:15:08.000 Some say it hurts.

00:15:10.000 Some say it's better. 0.98

00:15:11.000 All it does is it gives you a nice little widget at the front that has the weather and a bunch of shit on it. 0.83

00:15:14.000 Okay, well, just saying that the iPhone is better. 0.94

00:15:17.000 Okay, I'll agree with you.

00:15:18.000 You believe the iPhone is better. 0.99

00:15:19.000 But it's still a fucking amazing phone. 0.99

00:15:22.000 And if it existed a year ago, you would be freaking the fuck out. 0.99

00:15:26.000 If it existed five years ago, it would be world-changing.

00:15:28.000 Well, five years ago, I would probably be freaking out a year ago.

00:15:30.000 I doubt it.

00:15:31.000 It's still, to me, a very impressive phone.

00:15:34.000 Yeah, the phone hardware itself is great.

00:15:36.000 But when you compare, like, somebody was going off on the other day about how, like, oh yeah, this has an 8 megapixel camera, where the new iPhone only has a 5 megapixel camera. 0.96

00:15:44.000 And I was like, megapixels don't mean shit.

00:15:46.000 That's why, like, every year we've stopped at 12 megapixels for most cameras. 0.95

00:15:50.000 And if you notice, like, most Sony cameras that were 12 megapixels last year are now 10 megapixels. 0.98

00:15:55.000 Okay, well, why doesn't it mean shit? 0.93

00:15:57.000 I mean, doesn't it have to do with how much information is in the photograph? 0.99

00:16:01.000 Megapixels don't mean shit. 0.93

00:16:02.000 Well, it means something. 1.00

00:16:04.000 One megapixel camera sucks. 1.00

00:16:05.000 We know that. 0.99

00:16:06.000 12 megapixel camera is awesome.

00:16:08.000 You could blow up giant billboards.

00:16:09.000 So it does mean something.

00:16:11.000 It means something to a point.

00:16:13.000 But the most important thing is the lens and the actual quality of the photo.

00:16:18.000 Okay, that makes sense.

00:16:19.000 That makes sense.

00:16:20.000 The new iPhone camera has what most normal cameras are just switching to.

00:16:26.000 It's this coil that goes around the lens.

00:16:30.000 And it used to be where the coil was in front of the lens optics.

00:16:33.000 So when you take a photo, the light has to go through all these coils in order to take a photo.

00:16:38.000 So now they've found out how to put the coil in the back.

00:16:40.000 So there's more light that goes in there.

00:16:43.000 Sony calls it the XMOR lens, whatever it's called.

00:16:47.000 But now, this new iPhone is going to have better low light just because they decided to do this new coil technology.

00:16:53.000 The photo quality looks pretty awesome. 0.99

00:16:56.000 Yeah, megapixel doesn't mean shit.

00:16:57.000 It does mean something though, Brian. 0.99

00:16:59.000 You're getting crazy.

00:17:00.000 No, no, no. 0.93

00:17:01.000 It means a lot.

00:17:01.000 I'm being serious.

00:17:02.000 Megapixels do not mean shit anymore when it comes to like 5 megapixels and above 8 megapixels. 0.91

00:17:08.000 Like 10 to 12 megapixels, there's nothing. 0.76

00:17:10.000 8 to 12, there's barely anything.

00:17:12.000 Okay, but it still means something.

00:17:14.000 Unless you're doing billboards.

00:17:16.000 It's not everything.

00:17:16.000 What's important is the lens and what's also important is the software they use.

00:17:20.000 It's also important, you know, that's why you have these Carl Zeiss lenses and shit on all these different phones.

00:17:27.000 You know, they're trying to get the dopest lenses possible. 0.92

00:17:29.000 Yeah, I agree.

00:17:30.000 Over a certain point, it's negligible. 1.00

00:17:32.000 Brian, you're a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:17:33.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:17:34.000 Your knowledge of all this shit is unbelievable. 1.00

00:17:37.000 He's a freak when it comes to this stuff. 1.00

00:17:38.000 But what I think of the iPhone, who knows when I get it, but goddammit, they just solved everything. 0.97

00:17:44.000 The video camera sucked.

00:17:46.000 I use it all the time, but now it's HP. Yeah, that's still true. 0.53

00:17:49.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:17:50.000 But it's even, you know, for me, I barely talk on the phone anyways. 0.99

00:17:54.000 I really don't give a shit. 0.89

00:17:56.000 What I care about is video, pictures, and texting. 0.98

00:18:00.000 That's huge.

00:18:01.000 And emails and stuff.

00:18:02.000 And then you get on Twitter and all that stuff.

00:18:03.000 The applications too are incredible.

00:18:04.000 I don't care about talking.

00:18:05.000 There's applications on your phone that you can time rounds with.

00:18:08.000 There's like a gym boss where you can time your workouts.

00:18:11.000 It's a free application, too.

00:18:13.000 You can set it so that it'll put interval training into your workouts and give you different alarms, like when you run, when you stop, when you rest, when you go.

00:18:21.000 I mean, the flash, the webcam, the HD video, 5 megapixels. 0.99

00:18:27.000 Goddamn! 0.65

00:18:28.000 I think that these new droid phones are catching up, though. 0.98

00:18:31.000 They're totally catching up, and I hope they beat the iPhone. 0.99

00:18:34.000 But the problem is, if all these droid users are saying, oh, fuck iPhone. 1.00

00:18:37.000 No, no. 1.00

00:18:38.000 Get this.

00:18:39.000 How's your Facebook?

00:18:40.000 You want to do a comparison?

00:18:41.000 How's your Facebook on your application, Facebook, compared to iPhone's application?

00:18:45.000 Right, but you haven't used that in a while, right?

00:18:47.000 Don't they update those applications?

00:18:48.000 Dude, I am on every single website every day on both Droid and everything.

00:18:53.000 I know exactly what's going on with Droid versus iPhone.

00:18:55.000 I would believe him.

00:18:58.000 Is that a common argument?

00:19:00.000 Dude, it's common down the line.

00:19:02.000 Every program that you get for the iPhone is way more fine-tuned on the iPhone for some reason.

00:19:07.000 I don't know if it's on purpose or if it's just the length or the developers or what, but even the Twitter applications.

00:19:14.000 And the same with the Palm Pre.

00:19:15.000 The Palm Pre should have been the number one phone.

00:19:19.000 That should have been way bigger than it was.

00:19:20.000 But the problem is every single application, like their Facebook, their Twitter and everything, it doesn't even come close to the iPhone.

00:19:27.000 It's still not.

00:19:28.000 You think that's really what killed them?

00:19:29.000 You don't think that it was on Sprint? 0.99

00:19:31.000 I could tell you as having a Palm Pre Plus that every single program that you can download for that thing sucks shit compared to the iPhone versions. 0.95

00:19:39.000 And the Palm Pre's been out for a year plus longer, the webOS. 0.98

00:19:42.000 So that ain't doing shit? 0.98

00:19:43.000 Palm Pre ain't doing shit? 0.98

00:19:44.000 No. 0.90

00:19:45.000 It's interesting because the Palm Pre was like the number one selling product that Sprint ever launched as a phone.

00:19:51.000 Until this HTC EVO came along. 0.89

00:19:54.000 And they're saying this Palm Pre thing, it's really what's interesting about it was it was like the number one thing, but then it petered out and nobody gives a fuck about it.

00:20:02.000 You know, like no one's like in line to get Palm Prees.

00:20:06.000 Not at all.

00:20:07.000 Actually, remember the trio?

00:20:08.000 The trio was the iPhone.

00:20:10.000 I had yours!

00:20:12.000 Remember you gave me your second hand one? 0.99

00:20:14.000 The trio was the original shit right there. 0.99

00:20:17.000 The trio was a brick, bro. 1.00

00:20:18.000 Why didn't it bother me?

00:20:20.000 I remember when you gave me your trio, dude, that first day.

00:20:22.000 I couldn't believe it, man.

00:20:23.000 I thought I was just... 0.99

00:20:25.000 I really thought I had a fucking diamond watch on. 0.99

00:20:29.000 I swear! 0.99

00:20:30.000 I thought I was like, wow, look at this thing.

00:20:32.000 It's so awesome.

00:20:32.000 I remember when I first got it, I got it out of the box and everything, and I was playing with it, and I was like, looking at it, weighing, and I was like, this is the ultimate piece of technology.

00:20:40.000 It's like Star Trek shit. 0.99

00:20:41.000 It's like a fucking computer in my pocket, man. 1.00

00:20:44.000 You know, another good thing is the texting on the droids, or just the keyboard alone. 0.99

00:20:49.000 Have you ever used the keyboard?

00:20:51.000 No, you know what I did use, though, that was pretty dope?

00:20:53.000 And I wish someone would figure out how to do it.

00:20:56.000 The iPhone sort of does it, but I had with my Microsoft phone, I had one of those Windows mobile phones.

00:21:01.000 It knew the words that I was going to use.

00:21:04.000 Like, if I would press A and then B, it would write absolutely, if I've said that a bunch of times in text before.

00:21:10.000 And then you just hit the space button and you keep going on to the next...

00:21:13.000 Predictive texting?

00:21:14.000 Yeah, but like crazy good, man.

00:21:16.000 It was really good.

00:21:17.000 It was really interesting.

00:21:18.000 The iPhone always gets things wrong and never wants to accept my swears. 0.99

00:21:22.000 Still wants to change fuck to duck. 1.00

00:21:24.000 I mean, how many times do I say fuck? 1.00

00:21:25.000 There's ways around that. 0.99

00:21:26.000 What do you have to do?

00:21:27.000 It's something like you just make a new contact and you just put all the cuss words you want in it or something like that.

00:21:32.000 Oh, that's smart.

00:21:33.000 It's something like that.

00:21:33.000 And so it looks it up.

00:21:35.000 Yeah, I forget how you do it. 1.00

00:21:36.000 I think you just make a contact and go fuck, cock, suck, dick, piss. 1.00

00:21:40.000 You know, just do everything you want. 1.00

00:21:41.000 Yeah, you just do it once, though.

00:21:43.000 You know? 0.98

00:21:43.000 I know, but it's so silly. 0.98

00:21:45.000 Like, why can't it remember swear?

00:21:47.000 Well, the new operating system, I guess, is a hundred times better when it comes to all this.

00:21:50.000 Like, the dictionary, the everything.

00:21:52.000 And, Scott, now we finally get multitasking now.

00:21:55.000 Brian's got an Apple boner.

00:21:58.000 Are you a fanboy?

00:21:59.000 I'm not a fanboy because I'm with any kind of technology.

00:22:03.000 I try them all.

00:22:04.000 I agree, man.

00:22:06.000 I'm just teasing you.

00:22:07.000 I don't think you're a fanboy.

00:22:08.000 How many phones have we both between you had?

00:22:10.000 We always go right back to the iPhone.

00:22:12.000 Yes.

00:22:12.000 The iPhone is most certainly the best all-around device.

00:22:15.000 Without a doubt.

00:22:16.000 But my main phone, I use a BlackBerry because it's Verizon.

00:22:20.000 Because Verizon's way better.

00:22:22.000 For me, I need to make calls.

00:22:23.000 That game's over for me now.

00:22:25.000 Really?

00:22:26.000 Yeah.

00:22:26.000 I have no problems with AT&T anymore in Los Angeles.

00:22:29.000 Well, my problems with AT&T are driving.

00:22:31.000 Driving from my house into Legends.

00:22:33.000 There's three places where I would lose people.

00:22:35.000 So if I'd be in a big conversation, I'd have to pull over because I didn't want to lose the call if it was something that was serious.

00:22:43.000 I can't talk in my bedroom on the phone.

00:22:45.000 If I want to talk, I've got to go to my living room.

00:22:48.000 If it's an important call, I walk down the street. 0.99

00:22:52.000 If you see me talking on the phone, walking, that's some important-ass shit right there. 0.99

00:22:57.000 Don't bother me. 0.98

00:22:58.000 Eventually, there's going to be no home phones, right?

00:23:01.000 There is barely any home phones.

00:23:02.000 I hardly know.

00:23:03.000 My dad doesn't even have a home phone anymore. 0.99

00:23:05.000 Yeah, it's like some ancient shit. 0.99

00:23:08.000 You know? 0.99

00:23:09.000 Home phone doesn't send no texts.

00:23:11.000 Can't get pictures. 1.00

00:23:12.000 Just some stupid line where people call you. 1.00

00:23:14.000 It's funny. 1.00

00:23:14.000 My mom lives in the middle of the country. 1.00

00:23:16.000 Emergency phones.

00:23:17.000 That's what it is.

00:23:17.000 In case the world ends, you need a landline.

00:23:20.000 In case the solar flares fuck up those satellites.

00:23:23.000 There was an article I was reading about that, about we're at a moment of the sun's awakening, and that the next couple years is unprecedented solar activity.

00:23:31.000 That's what they predicted.

00:23:32.000 So unprecedented solar flares that can wipe out satellites.

00:23:36.000 And so what they're trying to get really good at is predicting these events so that they can shut down or put these satellites on safe mode.

00:23:43.000 Which is pretty nuts when you think about how much we're reliant on these satellites and, you know, for satellite radio. 0.80

00:23:49.000 I fucking listen to it every day. 0.60

00:23:50.000 For, you know, for so many different things, for GPS. We're, you know, we're reliant on fucking satellites. 1.00

00:23:56.000 And those motherfuckers can get cooked. 1.00

00:23:58.000 They can get cooked. 1.00

00:23:59.000 I mean, at any time, the sun could just make some hiccup, a burp, a fart, and it just barbecues every fucking satellite it sees. 0.93

00:24:08.000 They've got to have backup satellites and just floating out there in protective cases.

00:24:12.000 So if anything happens, the other ones, they just press a button.

00:24:14.000 Launch it.

00:24:15.000 Yeah, they open the new case.

00:24:16.000 Boom! 0.99

00:24:16.000 What if they're going to put shields over satellites, like big radiation shields? 0.99

00:24:20.000 That's going to have to be the next thing, right?

00:24:22.000 Force fields.

00:24:23.000 Something like that, right?

00:24:24.000 It's got to be force fields.

00:24:24.000 It's got to have something to do with magnets and force fields.

00:24:27.000 Well, yeah, you're right, because that's what our gravity is, right?

00:24:29.000 Right.

00:24:29.000 I mean, our magnetosphere, right?

00:24:32.000 Right.

00:24:32.000 And the gas that surrounds the Earth and, you know, our atmosphere.

00:24:36.000 If we just suspend some gold dust particles up in the atmosphere, we'll be fine.

00:24:40.000 Zacharias Hitchin style?

00:24:41.000 Yeah, it's real simple.

00:24:42.000 So, Eddie's a big proponent of the ancient alien theory, and Eddie's the first person that ever got me into Zacharias Hitchin, and we've had, dude, how many bones have we smoked fucking talking about the Anunnaki? 0.85

00:24:54.000 God.

00:24:54.000 I mean, we've had more, more ridiculous spaceman, alien, Anunnaki conversations, ancient, ancient, you know, tribe theories, shit, where, you know, civilizations died off and left so much information that was just lost forever, like the Mayans and, of course, the Sumerians.

00:25:13.000 And the Sumerians talk of an even older civilization before then. 0.96

00:25:16.000 So Eddie's the one who got me into that.

00:25:19.000 Because of Scott, right?

00:25:20.000 Scott Redondo, right?

00:25:21.000 No, no, no.

00:25:21.000 He actually would...

00:25:22.000 He brought it up to me.

00:25:23.000 No, he brought it up, but it never registered.

00:25:26.000 He goes, dude, listen to this radio station, Coast to Coast.

00:25:28.000 This was like 10 years ago, and I never listened to Scott.

00:25:31.000 But Gina, the first girl I produced musically, she's about as crazy as they come. 1.00

00:25:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:36.000 And she was talking about a party last night.

00:25:38.000 Very talented girl.

00:25:39.000 Super talented singer, but crazy.

00:25:42.000 She goes, oh, my God, I was at this party last night, and this guy was talking about how we were created as slaves to mine gold for aliens on another planet... 1.00

00:25:52.000 I'm like, oh my gosh, shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:25:55.000 I was like, Gina, just shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:25:57.000 He goes, no, everybody was tripping out on this guy talking about this crazy... 1.00

00:26:01.000 I'm like, aliens made us slaves to mine gold? 1.00

00:26:05.000 Shut the fuck up, Gina. 1.00

00:26:06.000 Let's get to work. 1.00

00:26:07.000 So I thought about it later on that day.

00:26:09.000 That whole day I thought about it.

00:26:11.000 And I thought it was weird that, as crazy as all that sounded, it is weird that the one thing that we all agree on, every culture, every race, we can't agree on. 1.00

00:26:22.000 Shit! 1.00

00:26:23.000 Politics, religion, nothing. 1.00

00:26:24.000 But we all agree that gold is worth more than money.

00:26:28.000 Gold is the universal money.

00:26:29.000 And I thought that was weird.

00:26:31.000 I go, hmm.

00:26:32.000 And then I thought about how the Aztecs thought Cortez was a god and they gave him gold.

00:26:39.000 And then the people, the pharaohs that die, they get buried with gold. 0.52

00:26:44.000 I'm thinking about this.

00:26:46.000 I'm like, this...

00:26:47.000 And I called Gina.

00:26:48.000 I'm like, Gina, what was this guy's name?

00:26:50.000 Do you have his number?

00:26:50.000 He goes, hey, that was Jody or some guy.

00:26:52.000 I think his name was Jody.

00:26:53.000 So I called this guy.

00:26:54.000 I go, hey, I'm Gina's friend.

00:26:56.000 He goes, what?

00:26:56.000 You were talking about some gold and some slaves and aliens?

00:27:01.000 What the fuck was that about? 0.99

00:27:02.000 And he didn't even really know. 0.99

00:27:03.000 He said, you know what?

00:27:05.000 Yeah, yeah, I was talking about that.

00:27:06.000 Some guy told me.

00:27:07.000 It was the weirdest thing.

00:27:08.000 I think his name is Sitchin or Sitchin or something.

00:27:13.000 So I looked it up, and I just got on the internet, and I looked up Sitchin, started getting into it, and it blew me away. 0.98

00:27:20.000 It's pretty fascinating shit.

00:27:21.000 As crazy as all that sounds, if you really look into it, basically, Zachariah Sitchin is this guy that transcribed the ancient Sumerian texts. 0.99

00:27:32.000 They're like 20,000 tablets of all these stories and all this shit.

00:27:36.000 Who knows what they really say because very few people can actually transcribe it. 0.99

00:27:40.000 Some people think Zachariah Sitchin is crazy and he's just making shit up. 0.98

00:27:45.000 A lot of people believe him. 0.99

00:27:46.000 A lot of smart people. 0.97

00:27:49.000 Well, the interesting shit that he uncovers and shows in his videos that's just indisputable is the images that the Sumerians left behind. 0.98

00:27:58.000 That's where it gets really crazy. 0.98

00:28:00.000 Because there's images of a big giant person with a small person.

00:28:04.000 It's a person, but it has a tail like a monkey. 0.99

00:28:07.000 And you're like, what the fuck is that? 0.99

00:28:09.000 They have the double helix, the DNA double helix is their caduceus. 0.99

00:28:13.000 You know, they have that in their images.

00:28:15.000 What if it was just like a thespian guy that walked around the tribe, you know, that's dressed up as a cat and somebody drew up, you know what I mean? 0.99

00:28:22.000 It could be.

00:28:23.000 It could be.

00:28:23.000 But here's the other thing.

00:28:25.000 They also had a detailed depiction of the solar system.

00:28:27.000 They had a picture of the sun and then they had a picture of the planets with the proper size and the proper orbit.

00:28:34.000 And on top of that, their whole history in the Sumerian text, it talks about the different planets.

00:28:42.000 It talks about Uranus and it talks about Neptune.

00:28:45.000 It talks about the creation of Earth.

00:28:48.000 They have the exact same theory that we have as far as the creation of the moon.

00:28:53.000 The theory is that Earth 1, there was an Earth that was like billions of years ago, got hit with a planet and created the moon.

00:28:59.000 And now we are Earth 2, post-impact.

00:29:02.000 Now this is like something that scientists have just recently embraced over the past few decades. 0.99

00:29:06.000 But Sitchin wrote about this shit way back in the 70s. 0.99

00:29:10.000 This was what the Sumerians said. 1.00

00:29:13.000 The guy, if you watch his documentaries and you listen to Sitchin talk and get his shit online, it is fucking fascinating. 0.99

00:29:21.000 And I'm not saying that some aliens made us as a race of slaves, but I am saying that... 0.99

00:29:28.000 The world is so crazy as it is.

00:29:31.000 The fact that we can send photographs to people, and you can get video downloaded from your phone, and you can basically answer any question immediately by pressing, you know, Google Talk, or the Google thing, where, you know, you talk into it and you say, you know, what year did Columbus sail, blah, blah, blah.

00:29:48.000 And it'll give you the information, like, instantly.

00:29:50.000 This has never happened before, man. 1.00

00:29:52.000 This is crazy shit, and it's only going to get crazier. 1.00

00:29:54.000 Now, if we lived... 1.00

00:29:56.000 100,000 years longer and stayed alive and managed to keep evolving, for sure we would get to the point where we would be able to travel to other fucking planets and find other species that we thought weren't advanced enough and fuck with them. 0.87

00:30:09.000 If we decide at a certain point in time with all this investigation that we're doing into life, like what they're doing right now with synthetic cells where they are creating cells, creating cells and eventually creating living organisms, this is all really going to happen. 0.69

00:30:21.000 If we get to the point where we realize that life itself is just a code that we can manipulate and change to our will.

00:30:28.000 Well, when that happens, man, you're not going to think anything's wrong with taking some monkeys and making them smarter and having them work for you.

00:30:36.000 You know, and if there's a super intelligent being or a race of beings that's thousands of years advanced from us or millions or perhaps even a billion, you know, what if they live in a protected solar system where they don't have to worry about asteroids or What if the asteroid impact is not a common thing? 0.79

00:30:53.000 What if, you know, all this shit that happens in our solar system is kind of rare and in other solar systems they don't have meteor problems?

00:30:59.000 I mean, if that's the case, if that's true, they could be a billion years older than us. 0.99

00:31:03.000 We don't fucking know. 0.92

00:31:04.000 We have no idea. 0.98

00:31:05.000 Basically, Sitchin was one of very few people, again, that transcribed over 20,000 tablets.

00:31:12.000 And in these tablets were detailed descriptions of how they came down, The names of the rulers, the South American ones. 0.89

00:31:22.000 Real technical shit about how it all went down. 0.98

00:31:26.000 He transcribed all that shit in the 70s and he put all this information out. 0.99

00:31:31.000 All this information that he wasn't... 0.98

00:31:33.000 He's saying that he wasn't making it up.

00:31:35.000 He was just transcribing all these stories. 1.00

00:31:38.000 And a lot of people, his doubters were like, well, he's full of shit. 1.00

00:31:41.000 How could he know this and how could he know that? 0.98

00:31:43.000 But the few things that he did know in the 70s that we're just figuring out now, one...

00:31:48.000 In his transcriptions, he talked about how the Sumerians knew that Uranus and Neptune were both water twins.

00:31:55.000 And we just found that out in the 80s, that they actually are water twins.

00:31:58.000 That was new.

00:31:59.000 How the hell does Sitchin know this?

00:32:01.000 Another thing is, the basis of the story is...

00:32:04.000 Aliens need our... 0.68

00:32:06.000 They look just like us.

00:32:09.000 Supposedly.

00:32:11.000 Maybe taller or whatever.

00:32:13.000 I heard they're way better looking than us.

00:32:15.000 They need our gold to turn into gold dust to suspend in their atmosphere to protect their atmosphere.

00:32:22.000 That's what they need.

00:32:23.000 To protect them from radiation.

00:32:24.000 Yes.

00:32:24.000 That's what he's talking about in the 70s and the transcriptions.

00:32:27.000 He's not an astrophysicist.

00:32:29.000 We just found out like in 2001, 2002, that that's exactly how you protect atmospheres.

00:32:34.000 You take metallic particles and you suspend them in the atmosphere to, you know, either...

00:32:40.000 Keep radiation in or out.

00:32:42.000 We just figured that out.

00:32:43.000 How the hell did this guy figure out through the...

00:32:45.000 And he's saying, well, he didn't know.

00:32:46.000 He transcribed.

00:32:48.000 Did he just guess that that's the way we protect atmospheres?

00:32:52.000 He already talked about that.

00:32:53.000 There's a lot of... 0.99

00:32:54.000 I mean, he gets into detail There's a lot of shit that makes it like, huh, wow. 1.00

00:32:58.000 There's a lot. 0.99

00:32:59.000 There's a lot to it.

00:33:00.000 It sounds crazy, and we don't have all day to talk about it, but have an open mind.

00:33:04.000 It's fascinating stuff.

00:33:05.000 I thought it was totally insane, too.

00:33:07.000 Look into it.

00:33:08.000 There's a bunch of debate about this planet, Nibiru, and there's a guy who's got a website called SitchinIsWrong, and his website is SitchinIsWrong.com, and this guy does not believe that there was, that there's this planet, you know, this Nibiru, and he has the quotes to the text...

00:33:23.000 It's really involved, and I haven't really looked into it. 0.87

00:33:25.000 I don't know who the fuck is right and who's wrong. 0.94

00:33:27.000 I really don't. 0.99

00:33:28.000 But I do know that just all the shit that came out of that one area is really fascinating. 0.90

00:33:34.000 And when you find out that that one part of the world is responsible for the first mathematics, the first astronomy, first astrology, first written language, first use of the wheel, first everything, first agriculture. 0.97

00:33:44.000 It's Iraq. 0.56

00:33:45.000 It's Iraq, yeah. 0.99

00:33:46.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:33:47.000 Fucking nuts. 1.00

00:33:48.000 Iraq was the first civilization. 1.00

00:33:50.000 First... 1.00

00:33:52.000 Well, that's why they're so fucked up. 0.99

00:33:54.000 That's why I've always said that that part of the world, the reason why their laws are so archaic, they're like the townies of the world. 0.99

00:34:00.000 Those are the people that were there when civilization was created, and they're still rocking that ancient law.

00:34:06.000 You know, you dance, we throw rocks at you. 1.00

00:34:08.000 You fuck someone from the other tribe, we throw rocks at you. 1.00

00:34:11.000 You show your ankles, we throw rocks at you. 1.00

00:34:13.000 Why is a nation that's so smart, though, has not progressed?

00:34:16.000 They all moved out.

00:34:18.000 Everybody moved out.

00:34:18.000 They moved out.

00:34:19.000 It's like California.

00:34:20.000 Knowledge left.

00:34:20.000 What is California?

00:34:21.000 California is the group of people that landed somewhere else, knew it sucked, and moved to the best spot.

00:34:26.000 Yeah, eventually you figure out that the best spot is Southern California.

00:34:29.000 Yeah, you figure out, wait a minute, there's a spot where it never gets so cold that it snows.

00:34:33.000 Okay, there's no hurricanes.

00:34:36.000 You have to worry about earthquakes every now and then.

00:34:38.000 But there's no lightning.

00:34:40.000 It has the worst traffic in the world.

00:34:42.000 It has the worst traffic in the world.

00:34:43.000 Because it rules.

00:34:45.000 But climate has nothing to do with climate.

00:34:47.000 It's like the climate here is the reason why everybody flocks to this place.

00:34:51.000 It's way easier to live here.

00:34:54.000 That is true.

00:34:55.000 It's like club promoters.

00:34:56.000 When a club in LA, when a club rises and falls, the club promoters don't die with the club.

00:35:02.000 They just find a new location and they just keep moving.

00:35:05.000 The original club was Sumeria.

00:35:06.000 It was blowing up.

00:35:07.000 It was going off.

00:35:08.000 Then it closed down.

00:35:09.000 The promoters moved to Egypt.

00:35:10.000 They blew that up for a while. 1.00

00:35:12.000 That shit closed down. 1.00

00:35:13.000 People got tired of Egypt. 1.00

00:35:14.000 Then they blew it up in Israel.

00:35:16.000 They had to change all the names and all their stories of creation.

00:35:22.000 Then it went to Rome, and then it split off, and then it ended up in England and Germany.

00:35:26.000 It totally makes sense if that part of the world is backwards because it's just like going back home. 1.00

00:35:30.000 I mean, that's what I'm talking about.

00:35:31.000 It's like going back home. 0.99

00:35:32.000 If I went back home to Boston and hung out, I would think, like, God, the dudes I went to high school with, like, dude, you're still living in this fucking crazy land. 0.98

00:35:41.000 Like, why didn't you escape? 0.97

00:35:42.000 And that's what it's like in Sumer.

00:35:44.000 It's like Sumer, you know, it became Iraq, and everybody eventually moved on to other places in the world. 0.99

00:35:49.000 People who weren't satisfied with where they were and how life was, if that's where all human beings supposedly came from, everybody who left is the people that were trying to find something better.

00:35:57.000 It kind of makes sense. 0.97

00:35:58.000 It kind of makes sense that if everybody, if that really is the cradle of civilization and everybody left from there trying to find something better, of course the people that remain suck. 0.97

00:36:07.000 It just totally makes sense. 0.98

00:36:09.000 Saddam didn't suck. 0.99

00:36:10.000 How dare you? 1.00

00:36:11.000 How dare you?

00:36:13.000 How dare you all?

00:36:14.000 How dare everybody listening to this at this point in time?

00:36:17.000 Okay, what's next?

00:36:19.000 Zachariah Sitchin.

00:36:19.000 Did you see Get Him to the Greek, Eddie?

00:36:21.000 Hell yeah.

00:36:22.000 Did you like it?

00:36:22.000 I loved it.

00:36:23.000 I loved it.

00:36:24.000 What would you rate it as?

00:36:24.000 Like five stars?

00:36:26.000 Not quite as good as Hangover, but right under Hangover.

00:36:33.000 I thought it was really good, man.

00:36:35.000 I laughed out loud at least ten times.

00:36:37.000 That's good.

00:36:37.000 Ten times where I was like, oh!

00:36:39.000 They killed it.

00:36:40.000 That dude, the main dude, the fat guy, he's awesome.

00:36:43.000 I love that guy.

00:36:44.000 He is pretty good, man.

00:36:46.000 That guy is badass.

00:36:47.000 He's funny in every...

00:36:49.000 They must let him go off because it's not a coincidence that he always has great lines.

00:36:52.000 And you know who impressed me? 0.99

00:36:55.000 Fucking P. Diddy. 0.99

00:36:57.000 His acting was like 80% on. 0.99

00:36:59.000 It was way better than 50 Cent.

00:37:01.000 It was an Academy Award winning performance.

00:37:03.000 But he pulled it off and he made me laugh too.

00:37:05.000 There's a little argument with that one R&B singer, remember, with the pink shirt? 0.99

00:37:09.000 What's that guy's name?

00:37:10.000 Pharrell?

00:37:11.000 Dude, that was hilarious.

00:37:12.000 Dude, that was funny, dude.

00:37:13.000 It was so funny.

00:37:14.000 They're putting it in the previews now.

00:37:15.000 That's part of the previews.

00:37:16.000 I haven't seen this, so don't give any spoilers away.

00:37:19.000 Okay.

00:37:20.000 Yeah, you gotta see it.

00:37:21.000 I love that Russell Brand guy, too.

00:37:22.000 He's hilarious.

00:37:23.000 P. Diddy was probably the best part about that movie, though.

00:37:25.000 He was good.

00:37:26.000 I saw Splice, and I posted that on my Twitter.

00:37:29.000 That was one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life.

00:37:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:37:32.000 It was so ridiculous. 0.82

00:37:33.000 Did you see Splice? 0.96

00:37:34.000 No, you could tell.

00:37:35.000 Oh, dude.

00:37:35.000 I didn't think I could tell.

00:37:36.000 I thought that movie looked badass.

00:37:36.000 I thought it looked badass.

00:37:38.000 I was so looking forward to that movie.

00:37:40.000 I was like, oh my god.

00:37:41.000 Did it die a horrible death at the box office?

00:37:42.000 I don't know how it did.

00:37:43.000 It actually didn't do that good.

00:37:44.000 It wasn't in the top five.

00:37:45.000 It got 70-something percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

00:37:48.000 But listen how crazy this movie is, okay?

00:37:50.000 This guy has this girlfriend.

00:37:51.000 They're both scientists.

00:37:52.000 They're doing all these experiments with human DNA, and they figure out how to synthesize human DNA with animal DNA. I think it was lizards or some shit. 0.99

00:38:00.000 I don't know what the fuck they spliced it with. 0.99

00:38:02.000 So they just wanted to see if they could do it. 0.99

00:38:05.000 So she closes the door and does it, you know, like, so he can't stop her, and he runs in, and she presses the button. 0.78

00:38:12.000 It's, like, really ridiculous. 1.00

00:38:13.000 And she makes this half-human being, half-animal lizard fucking thing, whatever the fuck it was. 1.00

00:38:18.000 The story's so goofy. 0.99

00:38:20.000 So they raise this, and it becomes a person. 1.00

00:38:23.000 Yeah, oh, spoiler like a motherfucker. 1.00

00:38:26.000 You want to plug your ears? 1.00

00:38:27.000 Yeah, I'm still going to see it.

00:38:28.000 You're going to see this?

00:38:29.000 Okay.

00:38:30.000 Because I have a feeling that I'm going to like it.

00:38:33.000 Because I've read, I've actually, because after you made me not see it, and then I kind of got angry, and then I was talking to some friends of mine, and they said, dude, what is he talking about?

00:38:41.000 That movie was fucking awesome.

00:38:42.000 Oh my god, dude. 0.99

00:38:43.000 Well, you're like Nacho Libre, and we walked out.

00:38:45.000 Remember in Atlanta?

00:38:46.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:38:46.000 In Atlanta, we all walked out.

00:38:47.000 All right, all right.

00:38:48.000 Nacho Libre was just you guys walking out. 1.00

00:38:50.000 This movie is so dumb. 1.00

00:38:51.000 In three minutes. 1.00

00:38:52.000 No, you don't know how dumb this movie is. 0.99

00:38:55.000 This movie makes Nacho Libre look like Citizen Kane. 0.99

00:38:58.000 Nacho Libre was awful.

00:38:59.000 But you guys only gave it like three or five minutes or something.

00:39:02.000 You're like, let's get out of here.

00:39:03.000 It was so bad.

00:39:04.000 It was offensive.

00:39:05.000 It was hurting my head.

00:39:05.000 Yeah, there's no way.

00:39:06.000 There's no way they had like 20. I gave them 20 attempts at jokes.

00:39:11.000 And two people in the front laughed. 0.99

00:39:12.000 I'm like, damn, these are their jokes. 0.99

00:39:13.000 Like, if you're waiting this long to throw in some funny shit, there's no way the ending's going to be good. 0.99

00:39:18.000 And I'm a Jack Black fan. 0.98

00:39:19.000 I think he's hilarious.

00:39:20.000 I love his movies. 0.98

00:39:21.000 I love that Rock and Roll High, whatever the fuck it was. 0.95

00:39:23.000 Yeah, that was good. 0.99

00:39:24.000 Rock School.

00:39:24.000 That was good.

00:39:25.000 It was really good.

00:39:26.000 And he was excellent in Tropic Thunder.

00:39:27.000 Have you seen that?

00:39:28.000 He was great in King Kong.

00:39:28.000 No, I haven't seen Tropic Thunder.

00:39:29.000 You still haven't seen Tropic Thunder.

00:39:31.000 It's one of my must-sees.

00:39:33.000 That's a for-sure hangover.

00:39:34.000 Tropic Thunder is a for-sure hangover.

00:39:36.000 Okay, I'll see it. 0.99

00:39:37.000 I keep fucking putting it off. 0.95

00:39:40.000 But, yeah, I mean, that movie was... 0.99

00:39:42.000 Whatever.

00:39:43.000 This splice is way worse.

00:39:44.000 This splice... 1.00

00:39:45.000 Plug your ears, bitch. 1.00

00:39:46.000 I will see it by next week. 1.00

00:39:48.000 This is how crazy it is.

00:39:49.000 They make this thing.

00:39:49.000 It grows really quick.

00:39:51.000 And all of a sudden, it's from a baby.

00:39:53.000 It grows almost instantly to a grown woman.

00:39:55.000 So they have this grown woman alien thing, and they don't know where to keep her, so they keep her in a storage room. 0.98

00:40:00.000 They're like, nobody goes down there. 0.99

00:40:01.000 So they set up a bedroom in the fucking storage room of this place where they work, and they keep this fucking alien there. 1.00

00:40:07.000 The thing's only been alive for a couple months, and then Adrian Brody fucks it. 1.00

00:40:12.000 No. 0.91

00:40:12.000 Yes. 0.91

00:40:13.000 I gotta see it.

00:40:13.000 Now I'm seeing it.

00:40:14.000 Now I gotta see it. 1.00

00:40:15.000 It's a fucking... 1.00

00:40:16.000 Not only is it an alien, like real crazy, it's got a tail and fucked up legs and everything, but it's also three months old. 1.00

00:40:24.000 He's fucking this thing. 1.00

00:40:25.000 It's three months old. 1.00

00:40:27.000 How's her body? 0.98

00:40:28.000 She's got tits and she's kind of like sexy looking. 1.00

00:40:31.000 It's like they took a sexy chick and just did some CGI on her. 0.99

00:40:34.000 Wow.

00:40:34.000 Yeah, she escaped and eats a rabbit.

00:40:36.000 She escapes and she can fly.

00:40:38.000 She's got wings. 1.00

00:40:38.000 She flies. 1.00

00:40:39.000 She lands and eats a fucking rabbit and they're not even freaking out. 1.00

00:40:42.000 They're like, why are you doing that? 1.00

00:40:42.000 Don't do that. 1.00

00:40:43.000 Stop. 0.97

00:40:44.000 It's ridiculous. 0.98

00:40:46.000 It's so bad. 0.98

00:40:47.000 I'm gonna see it.

00:40:49.000 That sounds good.

00:40:50.000 You know why?

00:40:52.000 He has to go see it.

00:40:53.000 He has to.

00:40:54.000 I'm not hurting it.

00:40:55.000 Let me tell you something. 0.99

00:40:56.000 This movie is so goddamn bad. 0.98

00:40:59.000 I think it might turn into one of those movies that's like a cult hit. 0.98

00:41:02.000 Because it's so bad, people are going to go see it again and again.

00:41:05.000 Now, this is what I did hear about it.

00:41:06.000 I heard that there was actually parts in it that were supposed to be funny, and that has nothing to do with it. 0.90

00:41:11.000 Oh, shut your mouth. 0.84

00:41:11.000 There was like a humor to it. 0.84

00:41:12.000 They weren't trying to be funny.

00:41:13.000 If they were, they're brilliant.

00:41:14.000 They said it in an interview that a lot of people aren't getting the humor of the movie.

00:41:18.000 Oh my God, you mean the whole movie?

00:41:20.000 That's the humor.

00:41:20.000 The humor is the whole movie.

00:41:22.000 It's ridiculous. 0.94

00:41:22.000 Are you sure that you weren't baked and you didn't get the humor? 0.94

00:41:25.000 I wasn't baked at all.

00:41:26.000 You know what? 1.00

00:41:28.000 In your defense, Brian, I think you might like it because you like crazy shit like that. 1.00

00:41:32.000 You like Nacho Libre. 1.00

00:41:34.000 Nobody likes Nacho Libre. 0.94

00:41:35.000 If you go in and want to see something ridiculous, you're going to like it. 0.97

00:41:38.000 But if you go in thinking you're going to get the shit scared out of you like some new alien movie, that's what I thought it was going to be. 0.98

00:41:43.000 When I saw it, it looks like she was threatening in the previews. 0.97

00:41:47.000 It looks like she was threatening one of the scientists. 0.98

00:41:48.000 I'm like, oh, they create something, and it's fucking crazy, and it gets out of control, and it's scary. 0.57

00:41:52.000 I remember seeing it this week, and I can't wait to discuss it. 0.56

00:41:55.000 I can't wait to discuss it with you.

00:41:57.000 I might bring a bag of rocks. 1.00

00:41:59.000 Fucking throw at you. 0.99

00:42:00.000 Because there has been movies that we totally disagree on. 0.99

00:42:05.000 It's kind of funny how people get upset when someone likes something that they don't like.

00:42:08.000 Like iPhones?

00:42:08.000 Yeah, like anything.

00:42:09.000 What about MacGruber?

00:42:10.000 Did you like MacGruber? 0.99

00:42:11.000 I've not seen MacGruber, but when I first saw the preview, I thought it looked like the dumbest fucking movie I've ever seen in my life. 0.97

00:42:17.000 But I heard it was awesome. 1.00

00:42:18.000 I heard it was dog shit. 1.00

00:42:19.000 I heard it was awesome. 1.00

00:42:20.000 No, I heard it was dog shit. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Really? 1.00

00:42:21.000 MacGruber? 1.00

00:42:22.000 I haven't heard a thing. 1.00

00:42:23.000 It was stupid on SNL. How the hell did they make a movie out of that? 1.00

00:42:27.000 The preview looks retarded. 0.94

00:42:29.000 SNL is one of those things that's really been kept alive because of YouTube clips.

00:42:34.000 When a good SNL sketch gets on YouTube, it makes you want to watch SNL again.

00:42:37.000 But otherwise, I would have no desire.

00:42:40.000 It's been kept alive by Andy Sandler, whatever his name is.

00:42:42.000 Who's that?

00:42:43.000 The young guy that makes all those skits on a boat and stuff.

00:42:46.000 That dude's hilarious.

00:42:47.000 Oh, is he the one that's...

00:42:48.000 I've never seen that sketch, but I heard that song.

00:42:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:42:51.000 He does all these little skits on Saturday Night Live, and it makes the show, in my opinion.

00:42:56.000 That and the one main girl on there, that's hilarious. 1.00

00:42:58.000 Dude, I haven't watched Saturday Night Live in years.

00:43:00.000 I haven't watched it in so long.

00:43:02.000 But I watch a good monologue on YouTube or something like that.

00:43:05.000 There's just certain shows that after a while, I'm like, that's it.

00:43:08.000 Done.

00:43:09.000 I can't keep coming back that well. 1.00

00:43:11.000 You know, you fucked me too many times. 1.00

00:43:13.000 Andy Samberg. 1.00

00:43:14.000 I just got into True Blood.

00:43:16.000 You guys into True Blood?

00:43:17.000 No, I watched one half an episode and I was like, this is silliness.

00:43:22.000 Yeah, you gotta watch it from the first episode. 0.98

00:43:23.000 I am so goddamn tired of vampires that don't eat people. 0.98

00:43:27.000 I mean, what kind of nonsense are we playing? 0.99

00:43:30.000 Barely.

00:43:32.000 Do you know the premise of it?

00:43:33.000 Yeah, they have some fake blood that they use.

00:43:35.000 And they finally came out.

00:43:36.000 Vampires came out.

00:43:40.000 Why do you like that show?

00:43:43.000 I dig it.

00:43:44.000 Dude, seriously?

00:43:45.000 Because I'm bored?

00:43:47.000 No, I like it.

00:43:47.000 That's like mixing vampires with Gilmore Girls.

00:43:50.000 It's like that's the worst shit ever, man. 1.00

00:43:52.000 That's so gay. 1.00

00:43:54.000 Did you see episode one? 0.98

00:43:55.000 You gotta see the first episode.

00:43:56.000 I've seen the first, whatever, season, two seasons or whatever.

00:43:59.000 You saw two seasons and it was gay? 0.99

00:44:00.000 Oh, I hate it. 0.97

00:44:01.000 I don't understand.

00:44:02.000 You'll stop after five episodes.

00:44:05.000 There's been many shows where I've watched because of my girlfriend.

00:44:09.000 That's one of them.

00:44:10.000 Brian went to see Sex and the City.

00:44:12.000 Sex and the City, too.

00:44:14.000 It was 50 times better than that show.

00:44:16.000 That show to me was just...

00:44:18.000 I was amazed that people liked that show.

00:44:20.000 I like it.

00:44:21.000 I like the premise.

00:44:24.000 Dexter, on the other hand.

00:44:25.000 I never watched that show.

00:44:26.000 I watched Dexter.

00:44:27.000 I never watched that show, but I did watch half an episode.

00:44:29.000 And I was like, you know what?

00:44:30.000 I have just hit vampire overload. 1.00

00:44:33.000 There's just too many fucking vampire shows, man. 1.00

00:44:35.000 It's too silly. 1.00

00:44:37.000 There's too many different rules that people are making up for vampires now. 0.64

00:44:40.000 Like, oh, they can go in the light, but they just sparkle. 1.00

00:44:42.000 Like, fuck you, man. 1.00

00:44:44.000 No, there's some rules for vampires, alright? 1.00

00:44:46.000 The rule is, if you're going to drink people's blood, when the sun comes out, you fucking die, bitch. 1.00

00:44:50.000 You're supposed to hide. 1.00

00:44:51.000 You hide in the dark.

00:44:52.000 You can't be going to high school, walking around with everybody because it's cloudy. 1.00

00:44:55.000 That's retarded. 1.00

00:44:56.000 This is stupid. 1.00

00:44:57.000 This is fucking... 1.00

00:44:58.000 You can't keep doing this. 1.00

00:44:59.000 And it's like, to me, it's a symptom of our culture.

00:45:03.000 All these vampire movies are a symptom of our culture.

00:45:05.000 We live in fantasy lives.

00:45:07.000 For real.

00:45:08.000 The reason why people are so into this, it's like, when you... 1.00

00:45:11.000 When you look at how infantile our culture is, we want to believe that there is silly fake shit out there like vampires. 0.99

00:45:20.000 We believe so much retarded shit as far as just what the government feeds us and the news feeds us and what corporations feed us and our perceptions of how we have this world under control and everything's fine and wars are just and all the crazy shit that we justify ourselves doing. 1.00

00:45:35.000 If we can believe all that shit, why not vampires? 1.00

00:45:38.000 It's fucking half a step away. 1.00

00:45:39.000 It's half a step away. 0.99

00:45:40.000 Is there a movement?

00:45:41.000 Are there websites about people that really have evidence that vampires really exist?

00:45:45.000 There's people that think they're vampires.

00:45:46.000 People that think they're vampires are straight blood.

00:45:49.000 For real?

00:45:49.000 People have committed murders because of that.

00:45:51.000 Because they believe they're vampires.

00:45:52.000 Totally.

00:45:53.000 There's people that think they're werewolves. 0.99

00:45:54.000 They think they're fucking clothes off. 1.00

00:45:56.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:45:57.000 What if that's real? 1.00

00:45:57.000 There's people that shave their teeth into fangs, Eddie. 1.00

00:46:00.000 There's people that shave their teeth into fangs.

00:46:02.000 Oh, I've seen that, but that's just golf. 0.70

00:46:04.000 At a certain point in time, it's like, yeah, okay, look, the guy's not undead, and yeah, he's not going to live forever, and he's not going to drink people's blood to stay alive, but people are crazy enough to think that they are vampires to truly believe it and actually go out and murder somebody and drink their blood. 0.99

00:46:18.000 People are that nuts, man. 1.00

00:46:19.000 What if that's real shit? 1.00

00:46:20.000 If you're a fucking complete and total loser and you have nothing going on in your life, your life is unbelievably bad. 1.00

00:46:27.000 And the only thing that's exciting is the thought of biting someone's neck and sucking their blood out and killing them. 1.00

00:46:33.000 What if vampires have Anunnaki blood and they just mix it all up? 1.00

00:46:37.000 What if, man?

00:46:38.000 King Kong.

00:46:39.000 Did you guys hear about that case in Texas?

00:46:41.000 I think it was 2006, 2006, where the woman named her kids after Satan.

00:46:47.000 Like, they were named after, like, satanic names.

00:46:49.000 And then on that day, she murdered them all, and they, like, drank their blood or something. 0.80

00:46:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:46:54.000 Really?

00:46:55.000 Yeah.

00:46:56.000 I think it was 2006. It's acceptable.

00:47:17.000 It's like, okay, I understand where you're coming from.

00:47:19.000 I understand that's what you believe.

00:47:20.000 I understand, you know, everybody has their own point of view.

00:47:22.000 But when you start talking about devils, you start talking about Satan, like, Jesus Christ, really? 1.00

00:47:29.000 You think there's a fucking bad man who's pulling people's strings and tempting you with pussy and cigarettes, and you really, you think that's real? 1.00

00:47:37.000 That a devil makes you make bad decisions and makes you rape and beat people up and shit? 1.00

00:47:43.000 You think the devil's doing that, tempting you? 1.00

00:47:46.000 That's so infantile.

00:47:49.000 It's amazing that people even consider it.

00:47:51.000 And we know that. 0.97

00:47:53.000 There's a part of us that knows that talking about the devil is ridiculous. 0.82

00:47:55.000 That's why you don't hear the president talking about it. 0.84

00:47:57.000 The president will always talk about God.

00:47:59.000 He'll never talk about the devil.

00:48:01.000 The president was like, may God bless our troops.

00:48:03.000 We believe that God is on our side. 1.00

00:48:05.000 Bush said a bunch of wacky God shit. 0.99

00:48:07.000 Never once did he say, we've found Satan and he's in Iraq. 1.00

00:48:12.000 We know where Satan is.

00:48:13.000 We're going to drill to the core of the earth until we find Satan. 0.86

00:48:17.000 We're going to extract Satan.

00:48:18.000 You mentioned Satan at all. 1.00

00:48:21.000 You mentioned Satan at all and you're fucking crazy. 1.00

00:48:23.000 You can say, you know, we believe we have found the actual cross that Jesus was nailed on. 1.00

00:48:29.000 And people will go, wow, holy shit. 0.99

00:48:31.000 You can say, we think we've found where Satan used to live. 1.00

00:48:35.000 They'll go, get the fuck out of here! 1.00

00:48:37.000 You what? 0.99

00:48:38.000 Huh?

00:48:38.000 You can actually say, you can be an archaeologist, and you can say, we believe we found the cross that Jesus was nailed on.

00:48:44.000 But if you say, we think we found the box where Satan lived in, people would go, shut the fuck up! 1.00

00:48:50.000 They wouldn't even talk to you. 1.00

00:48:52.000 They wouldn't even take you serious for a second. 1.00

00:48:54.000 They would go, this crazy asshole thinks he found where the devil lives. 1.00

00:48:57.000 Isn't that crazy? 1.00

00:48:58.000 Satan is a force, dude.

00:49:00.000 It's not a person.

00:49:00.000 Dude, it's not a real guy, man.

00:49:02.000 Isn't he a fallen angel?

00:49:03.000 I'm confused.

00:49:05.000 I mean, isn't he supposed to be?

00:49:06.000 He used to be cool. 0.99

00:49:07.000 And they fucked up. 1.00

00:49:08.000 He got shitty with God. 0.99

00:49:09.000 I'm sorry for going off on True Blood. 0.72

00:49:11.000 I'm just on Team Jacob, and it kind of gets to me.

00:49:14.000 It's all right, brother.

00:49:15.000 It's all right, man.

00:49:15.000 Again, werewolves who don't eat people.

00:49:17.000 That's another fucking thing. 1.00

00:49:18.000 We want our goddamn cake, and we want to eat it, too. 1.00

00:49:21.000 We want all the sexy and none of the murder. 1.00

00:49:23.000 Werewolf was stupid, right? 1.00

00:49:25.000 You know what? 1.00

00:49:26.000 The Wolfman was stupid, but I bought it on DVD because I'm such a sucker for fucking horror movies. 1.00

00:49:30.000 That's how much I love horror movies. 1.00

00:49:32.000 I'll buy mediocre horror movies and watch them on DVD. I put it on the background while I was writing.

00:49:36.000 Nightmare on Elm Street, the new one.

00:49:38.000 Did you see it?

00:49:38.000 No.

00:49:39.000 No.

00:49:39.000 Brian?

00:49:40.000 No.

00:49:40.000 I like that actor, though.

00:49:41.000 That's that dude from The Watchmen.

00:49:43.000 He's the new Freddy Krueger.

00:49:45.000 The dude who played Rorschach.

00:49:47.000 Yeah, but what's wrong with the old Freddy Krueger?

00:49:50.000 He's too old.

00:49:51.000 He's too old.

00:49:52.000 You got an actor just to look like Freddy Krueger.

00:49:55.000 That's one character he could play until he's 98, because the older he is in real life, the better that character is going to look. 0.99

00:50:01.000 Yeah, why would they cut out the old Freddy when he was the shit? 0.99

00:50:03.000 You know what? 1.00

00:50:04.000 The problem is he became a joke.

00:50:06.000 Or money.

00:50:07.000 You think you wanted too much money?

00:50:08.000 Maybe, because, I mean, seriously, the new guy just had makeup on to look like the old guy, you know?

00:50:12.000 So there's not really any reason other than that.

00:50:14.000 No, he looked a little different.

00:50:15.000 You did?

00:50:16.000 Yeah, it looked a little creepier.

00:50:17.000 I saw some pictures of it online.

00:50:19.000 I didn't see the movie, but it looked a little creepier.

00:50:20.000 The new guy, is he young?

00:50:22.000 He's not, no.

00:50:23.000 Well, he's a little younger.

00:50:24.000 Did he play himself?

00:50:25.000 Was this like a prequel, like they showed before?

00:50:27.000 I don't know.

00:50:27.000 I didn't see it.

00:50:28.000 That may have been the case, because Robert Englund's like 75. I thought it was just a redo.

00:50:32.000 I thought he just rebooted it.

00:50:35.000 Maybe it is.

00:50:35.000 Is Robert Englund, is he in bad shape?

00:50:37.000 No, I mean, I think I saw on the news he was upset about it, you know?

00:50:40.000 So I was like, why didn't he just use him?

00:50:42.000 Well, when you try to reboot something, you want to do a different actor. 0.92

00:50:45.000 I mean, how many goddamn times are they going to do the Hulk? 0.97

00:50:47.000 You know, they did the Eric Bana one, and they're like, damn, what's just wrong about this one? 0.98

00:50:50.000 What about Captain America?

00:50:51.000 Aren't they doing it again, or they're trying it again?

00:50:54.000 I don't know.

00:50:54.000 I know they did one back, like, what, ten years ago?

00:50:57.000 The Hulk is the weirdest one, though, because they did it, like, a couple years after the old one. 0.86

00:51:01.000 The Eric Bana came out, and then like two or three years later, the fucking Edward Norton one came out. 0.75

00:51:05.000 When is Wonder Woman coming out? 0.96

00:51:07.000 I don't know.

00:51:08.000 Who would play Wonder Woman? 0.97

00:51:09.000 Megan Fox.

00:51:10.000 Megan Fox. 1.00

00:51:11.000 Fuck yeah, for sure. 1.00

00:51:12.000 Or Scarlett Johansson. 1.00

00:51:13.000 She's too short. 0.98

00:51:14.000 Dude, she's got some big tit ties though. 1.00

00:51:16.000 She's built like Wonder Woman. 1.00

00:51:18.000 She's got that wonder ass. 1.00

00:51:19.000 Chazam! 1.00

00:51:20.000 I think Wonder Woman gotta be tall. 1.00

00:51:22.000 Yeah, but you can make her tall. 1.00

00:51:23.000 Just put her with a bunch of short people. 1.00

00:51:25.000 You put her with a bunch of short people and you give her high heels. 1.00

00:51:27.000 That's how Tom Cruise rocks it in his movies.

00:51:29.000 You just give him a little lift and put him around people that aren't as tall as him.

00:51:33.000 I wonder what the tallest guy is that starred with Tom Cruise over the last 15 years. 0.97

00:51:37.000 Brad Pitt talked about how they had scenes where Tom Cruise had to stand on planks and shit. 0.98

00:51:42.000 Really? 0.99

00:51:42.000 No way. 0.99

00:51:43.000 They tried to make him appear to be the same height.

00:51:45.000 Brad Pitt was throwing him under the bus?

00:51:47.000 Not throwing him under the bus, but they were talking about it in the interview and Brad Pitt was confirming it.

00:51:51.000 Yeah, what about Evangely Lilly doing Wonder Woman.

00:51:56.000 The girl from Lost, Kate from Lost, that would be a hot Wonder Woman.

00:51:59.000 Yeah, she's pretty hot. 1.00

00:52:00.000 Yeah, that would work.

00:52:00.000 That would be great.

00:52:01.000 Megan Fox got to be Wonder Woman for sure. 0.99

00:52:03.000 No one would question that at all.

00:52:05.000 She's black hair, blue eyes. 1.00

00:52:07.000 Interesting conversation I read with Brad Pitt talking about Tom Cruise, about working on that movie together, and something about how- Vampire one?

00:52:13.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:13.000 Interview with the vampire, and saying that he wished that- Something about how he wished Tom Cruise wasn't so competitive.

00:52:19.000 Something like, you know, I wish they could be better friends if Tom Cruise wasn't more competitive.

00:52:22.000 I wish I remember the quote.

00:52:23.000 I hope I'm quoting it correctly.

00:52:25.000 But that's fascinating, you know?

00:52:27.000 For sure, because Brad Pitt was just coming up then.

00:52:29.000 That was a new guy.

00:52:30.000 He was just coming up.

00:52:31.000 And Tom Cruise, like, he, you know, he...

00:52:35.000 He campaigned for that role.

00:52:36.000 He wanted that role.

00:52:37.000 A lot of people did not want him to play that vampire.

00:52:40.000 The Anne Rice people didn't take him seriously because her work was so serious.

00:52:45.000 It was such good writing. 1.00

00:52:46.000 And they thought Tom Cruise is this cheeseball actor who did Top Gun, all these stupid movies. 0.99

00:52:50.000 They're like, this guy can't play Lestat, this really intense vampire. 1.00

00:52:54.000 But goddamn, that little freaking act. 1.00

00:52:56.000 He pulled that shit off strong, man. 1.00

00:52:58.000 How good was that? 1.00

00:52:58.000 That was a great movie. 1.00

00:52:59.000 One of the greatest... 1.00

00:53:00.000 That's a goddamn vampire movie, son! 1.00

00:53:03.000 That's the real shit, you know? 1.00

00:53:04.000 I mean, those are scary monsters trapped in, you know, a person's body. 1.00

00:53:09.000 A person, you know, their soul is trapped in this scary monster's body that needs to eat people.

00:53:15.000 That movie was badass.

00:53:17.000 The little girl, Kristen Dunst. 0.98

00:53:19.000 How fucking creepy was she? 0.99

00:53:21.000 That little chick could act, man. 1.00

00:53:23.000 In the Lost Boys.

00:53:25.000 Dude, the Lost Boys.

00:53:27.000 Come on.

00:53:27.000 Bram Strokers was the best, though.

00:53:29.000 Come on.

00:53:30.000 Yeah, that was a good one, man. 1.00

00:53:30.000 Gary Oldman's the motherfucker. 1.00

00:53:32.000 He crushes. 1.00

00:53:33.000 He's the motherfucker, dude. 1.00

00:53:34.000 He's that guy. 1.00

00:53:35.000 He's the best.

00:53:36.000 I think he gets into roles more than anybody does.

00:53:39.000 He, like, transforms. 0.99

00:53:41.000 Remember he played that fucking drug dealer in True Romance? 1.00

00:53:45.000 How good was that shit? 1.00

00:53:46.000 Fuck yeah, that movie was good. 1.00

00:53:48.000 The ghetto white guy? 1.00

00:53:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:53:50.000 Yeah, the dude with the dreadlocks. 0.99

00:53:52.000 Have you been following Gary Coleman's shit around lately? 0.99

00:53:55.000 I heard Anthony from Opie and Anthony say that he thought that Gary's wife killed him. 0.99

00:54:00.000 Well, she was trying to sell photos of him laying in bed minutes before he died to TMZ. Did you hear that?

00:54:07.000 Oh my god.

00:54:08.000 And she sold them.

00:54:09.000 Somebody bought them.

00:54:09.000 But she was shopping around.

00:54:12.000 She took a bunch of photos of him in bed, I guess all fucked up. 0.99

00:54:15.000 Right before she died, the nurses and doctors all saw it. 0.98

00:54:18.000 And then she shopped around the photos and somebody just bought them, I guess today or yesterday. 0.99

00:54:22.000 How fucked up is that? 0.99

00:54:24.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:54:25.000 He must have had a real tiny dick, huh? 1.00

00:54:27.000 Sometimes short guys, just like mini me, sometimes short guys have big ass dicks so it balances itself out. 1.00

00:54:33.000 But he probably was short. 1.00

00:54:34.000 It didn't matter even if he had a big dick. 1.00

00:54:37.000 He's a sad guy. 1.00

00:54:39.000 What are you talking about?

00:54:39.000 It would have helped.

00:54:41.000 Look at Vern Troyer is hanging in there.

00:54:43.000 He's partying. 1.00

00:54:44.000 Oh, that guy's depressed as fuck. 1.00

00:54:46.000 Did you ever watch him on a Celebrity Rehab show? 1.00

00:54:48.000 That was horrendous.

00:54:48.000 He was on Celebrity Rehab?

00:54:50.000 Yeah.

00:54:50.000 Oh my god.

00:54:51.000 Vern Troyer?

00:54:51.000 Dude, he was the biggest disaster of all time.

00:54:54.000 Not bigger than Tom Sizemore?

00:54:55.000 Oh my god, dude. 1.00

00:54:56.000 Dude, so fucked up. 1.00

00:54:57.000 I only saw the last season. 1.00

00:54:58.000 That is the best show on TV, Celebrity Rehab.

00:55:00.000 But I haven't seen anything else.

00:55:01.000 Vern Troyer was like pissing in his room.

00:55:05.000 He was crying.

00:55:06.000 Oh, that wasn't Celebrity Rehab.

00:55:07.000 What was it?

00:55:08.000 That was...

00:55:09.000 Yeah, that was the one with the...

00:55:11.000 What time is it, guy?

00:55:13.000 Like all the B-level celebrities.

00:55:16.000 Celebrity Rehab?

00:55:17.000 Celebrity House?

00:55:18.000 What was that?

00:55:19.000 What the hell was it?

00:55:20.000 Someone's going to talk about it.

00:55:21.000 It wasn't Celebrity Rehab.

00:55:22.000 I saw what you were talking about.

00:55:24.000 Yeah, he was pissing all over himself.

00:55:25.000 He's on this little buggy, driving around in a little buggy.

00:55:28.000 Anyway, the point is, I don't think that guy's that happy.

00:55:31.000 I think he's a mess.

00:55:32.000 Thank God we have Webster.

00:55:34.000 I follow him on Twitter.

00:55:36.000 Webster's stock just went up.

00:55:38.000 I'm going to follow him today.

00:55:39.000 What is it?

00:55:40.000 Vern Troyer?

00:55:40.000 Something like that.

00:55:42.000 I'll find it.

00:55:43.000 Surreal life.

00:55:44.000 Thank you, everybody.

00:55:45.000 Surreal life.

00:55:46.000 Twitter.com backslash tinypoop.

00:55:48.000 I think, yeah, man, I think that's got to be one of the greatest tortures in life, to be, you know, deformed, trying to make fun of your deformity to make a living. 0.97

00:55:57.000 And, you know, but think about that. 0.95

00:55:58.000 Most people, you look at, like, someone with no arms, no legs, and really, like, our first instinct is, like, damn, he's never going to be truly loved. 0.95

00:56:06.000 He's never going to be desired. 0.65

00:56:07.000 Like, can you imagine being this person who is not desired?

00:56:10.000 No one wants them sexually.

00:56:11.000 But really, we're all eventually going to be there. 1.00

00:56:14.000 Because I'm sure a hot 22-year-old supermodel would rather fuck Gray Maynard. 1.00

00:56:20.000 Not Gray Maynard. 1.00

00:56:21.000 What's his name?

00:56:22.000 What's that?

00:56:23.000 The guy with no arms, no legs?

00:56:25.000 Oh, Kyle.

00:56:25.000 Kyle Maynard.

00:56:26.000 Yeah.

00:56:27.000 Than some 90-year-old man.

00:56:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:30.000 We're eventually gonna get there.

00:56:32.000 We're gonna be just as desirable.

00:56:34.000 So that's what it's all about? 1.00

00:56:34.000 It's how much people wanna fuck you? 1.00

00:56:36.000 Desirable. 1.00

00:56:36.000 That's the quality of your life? 1.00

00:56:37.000 No, but that's the instinct.

00:56:39.000 When you look at someone who's deformed, you're like, oh my god, no one's ever gonna love them. 1.00

00:56:42.000 Because girls are programmed to stay away sexually, generally, from burn victims, people that... 1.00

00:56:49.000 Amputees.

00:56:49.000 Right.

00:56:49.000 We all are.

00:56:50.000 Cripples. 1.00

00:56:50.000 Yeah, we are. 1.00

00:56:51.000 It's a natural thing. 1.00

00:56:52.000 So when we look at someone who's in a wheelchair, we think, fuck, that sucks. 1.00

00:56:56.000 He's so young and he's fucked. 1.00

00:56:58.000 But eventually, we're going to get there. 1.00

00:56:59.000 They just got it in advance.

00:57:01.000 We're all going to walk through that fire unless we die early.

00:57:04.000 But we're all going to be just as desired as that person.

00:57:08.000 So it's something to think about.

00:57:09.000 It's like, really, what's life all about? 0.99

00:57:11.000 We're all going to end up living half our lives at least where no one wants to fuck us. 0.99

00:57:15.000 Right. 0.99

00:57:15.000 How are you going to handle that? 0.99

00:57:18.000 What's a much bigger issue is that they don't have freedom.

00:57:21.000 They're locked in a trap of a body and they never get to be a normal person.

00:57:24.000 They're surrounded by other people that are normal.

00:57:26.000 That's the torture, man. 1.00

00:57:27.000 It's not just whether or not people want to fuck them. 0.99

00:57:29.000 Yeah, but Eddie, isn't it that you're going to get married though, 50% of that time you're going to be with somebody maybe that That doesn't want to be desired by most people either, but you both are undesirable together. 0.99

00:57:40.000 And you go 20 years without having sex.

00:57:43.000 We haven't had sex in 20 years.

00:57:44.000 I don't think the desirable thing is as much of a, you know, as a factor with those people as why me? 0.98

00:57:50.000 You know, why did I get fucked? 0.70

00:57:52.000 Why am I the person with this terrible situation? 0.99

00:57:54.000 Why can't I just be normal?

00:57:55.000 I don't even, I mean, sure, everybody wants people to love them, but I think what they really want is to just not be a mess, you know, to not be a physical mess, not be...

00:58:05.000 You know, some sort of a genetic aberration.

00:58:07.000 You know, that's what the terrible feeling of pain is. 0.99

00:58:11.000 You know, that's why these guys are all fucked up and angry. 1.00

00:58:13.000 And Gary Coleman was angry as fuck before he died. 1.00

00:58:16.000 You know, you always hear about stories about him yelling at people. 0.99

00:58:19.000 He had to work a regular job, man.

00:58:21.000 He was working as a security guard. 1.00

00:58:23.000 Could you imagine people would just come up to him and fuck with him all day? 0.99

00:58:27.000 Yeah, the only reason I know that is because of the Dave Chappelle sketch that he did on Gary Coleman. 0.99

00:58:32.000 I never saw that.

00:58:33.000 Oh, it's amazing.

00:58:34.000 Oh, no.

00:58:35.000 It's amazing, dude.

00:58:37.000 What did he do?

00:58:37.000 He plays Gary Coleman, so he plays the whole sketch on his knees as a security guard.

00:58:42.000 Oh, no.

00:58:42.000 And then some chick, he fights a chick, some chick's fighting.

00:58:44.000 And then they cut to, like, the chick fighting a doll.

00:58:48.000 It's so bad.

00:58:49.000 It's so bad.

00:58:50.000 A doll in his security outfit?

00:58:52.000 And she's tossing Gary Coleman around.

00:58:54.000 She throws him, and then it's... 0.97

00:58:55.000 His show was so ridiculous. 0.70

00:58:56.000 What was the one sketch where he was fighting King Kong and he hit Godzilla with an uppercut and knocked him out? 1.00

00:59:03.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00

00:59:05.000 It was so ridiculous. 1.00

00:59:06.000 What was that sketch? 0.98

00:59:07.000 I don't know.

00:59:08.000 But remember when he has that sketch?

00:59:10.000 It was the last season, the unfinished season, where he goes back and he fucks with everybody who told him that people that didn't believe in him, like club owners and all that stuff.

00:59:20.000 He blew up the old...

00:59:22.000 club that he was banned from.

00:59:24.000 Right. 0.98

00:59:24.000 And he fucked up his old acting teacher who told him that he would never make it. 0.98

00:59:29.000 So it's like a sketch where he goes back. 0.98

00:59:31.000 And then at the very end, when he goes to the comedy club to blow up the comedy club, he blows it up and he walks out.

00:59:36.000 And there's like a lady walking across the street and he's so on fire that he blew the club up.

00:59:42.000 The club owner was in a wheelchair and he threw him down the steps and let the place on fire.

00:59:46.000 He takes his baby, this random lady's crossing the street, he takes his baby and punk kicks the baby. 0.98

00:59:51.000 Just out of nowhere.

00:59:54.000 That's how the sketch ends.

00:59:55.000 Like he was so happy that he got his revenge that he grabs his newborn baby and punt kicks it.

01:00:00.000 That had nothing to do with the sketch. 0.99

01:00:02.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.99

01:00:03.000 His show was so ridiculous. 0.99

01:00:04.000 You guys remember the first episode of Different Strokes where Mr. Drummond took his two new boys, Willis and Arnold, and they all got in the hot tub together and they were all wearing tighty-whities? 0.96

01:00:13.000 No.

01:00:14.000 It was really creepy as a kid and it haunts me every day.

01:00:17.000 Wow, how weird is that?

01:00:18.000 I love Different Strokes. 0.71

01:00:19.000 That was one of my favorite shows.

01:00:22.000 It's gross.

01:00:22.000 That episode's creepy.

01:00:23.000 Todd Bridges was on Fear Factor, and he's an angry dude.

01:00:27.000 He's got a...

01:00:28.000 I mean, he kept it together for the most part up until the part where he lost.

01:00:33.000 He got eliminated.

01:00:34.000 He didn't even want to shake my hand.

01:00:35.000 Really?

01:00:36.000 He walked away, wouldn't shake my hand.

01:00:37.000 Yeah, he was upset.

01:00:38.000 He thought it was some sort of conspiracy to make him lose. 0.96

01:00:41.000 I don't exactly know what the fuck he had to do or what he was upset about, but he was so upset he didn't want to shake my hand. 0.97

01:00:48.000 I'm like, wow. 0.99

01:00:49.000 Now you see why this dude, you know, why his life is kind of fucked up. 0.98

01:00:52.000 Like, his automatic way of looking at things is like negative. 0.98

01:00:55.000 His automatic way of looking at things is like, someone's out to get me. 0.99

01:00:58.000 Someone's fucking with me. 0.98

01:00:59.000 Oh, it ain't gonna be fair. 0.99

01:01:00.000 Oh, I see how it is.

01:01:01.000 You know, it's like automatically. 0.98

01:01:02.000 Like, dude, there's fucking six people on the show. 1.00

01:01:04.000 Five of them have to be losers. 1.00

01:01:06.000 You're one of the five. 1.00

01:01:07.000 Shit happens, man. 1.00

01:01:08.000 and you gotta move on with your life. 1.00

01:01:10.000 But not for him, man.

01:01:11.000 He's an angry dude.

01:01:13.000 Which is kinda interesting, man.

01:01:14.000 We were talking about this before, that toxoplasma, that's that cat tranquilizer, or the cat parasite, rather.

01:01:22.000 We talked about this on other shows before, but I watched a documentary yesterday, read some articles about it, and this thing called toxoplasma is a very common parasite that human beings get that completely alters our behavior.

01:01:35.000 And get this, in Brazil, 66% of the population is infected with this toxoplasma.

01:01:41.000 And it does two things. 0.99

01:01:43.000 It makes women submissive, and it makes men reckless jerks. 1.00

01:01:47.000 Makes men assholes, and it makes chicks submissive. 1.00

01:01:50.000 It sounds like... 1.00

01:01:52.000 Like Brazil.

01:01:53.000 Ecstasy.

01:01:53.000 Dude, no, no, no.

01:01:54.000 Not like that.

01:01:56.000 It makes men reckless. 1.00

01:01:57.000 It makes them do stupid shit. 1.00

01:01:59.000 Like coke. 1.00

01:01:59.000 No, no, no, no. 1.00

01:02:00.000 It reprograms the mind. 1.00

01:02:01.000 It's a parasite. 0.99

01:02:02.000 This is the crazy thing.

01:02:03.000 The parasite exists first in rats.

01:02:05.000 And what it does with rats is it gets rats convinced that it rewires their sexual brain, the sexual aspect of their brain, and it gets them to be aroused and connected to cat piss.

01:02:19.000 So these rats, it hijacks their sexual system.

01:02:23.000 So their sexual system all of a sudden becomes sexually aroused. 1.00

01:02:26.000 Like their testes swell, their balls swell, because they smell cat piss. 1.00

01:02:30.000 So these motherfuckers are searching after cat piss. 1.00

01:02:32.000 So they're going towards where cats live. 1.00

01:02:36.000 Where cats mark their territory.

01:02:38.000 They're attracted to that. 0.95

01:02:39.000 And they're not afraid of cats anymore for whatever reason. 0.76

01:02:41.000 So the cats obviously eat these rats because the rats are retarded. 1.00

01:02:44.000 They stand there while the cat's there with their balls all swollen and a heart on. 1.00

01:02:47.000 The cat eats them.

01:02:49.000 The cat eats the rats.

01:02:50.000 Then the cat hangs around with people. 1.00

01:02:51.000 And we, you know, have to clean the cat's shit. 1.00

01:02:54.000 And when people clean the cat's shit, sometimes people touch the cat's shit. 1.00

01:02:57.000 And if you touch the cat's shit and it gets inside your bloodstream through either an open sore or maybe something in your food or maybe you touch your eyes or something like that, that shit gets in your body, man. 1.00

01:03:06.000 And 60 million people in this country are infected by it. 1.00

01:03:09.000 And it affects your behavior.

01:03:12.000 It changes your behavior. 0.99

01:03:13.000 Can you get it from blowjobs? 0.99

01:03:14.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:03:14.000 You could get it from raining cat shit all over your dick. 1.00

01:03:17.000 You could get it from touching raw meat as well. 1.00

01:03:19.000 Yeah, 60-something million people in this country are affected by it.

01:03:24.000 And they said a disproportionate amount of people who die in motorcycle accidents. 0.99

01:03:28.000 One of the things he was talking about was that they would test motorcycle accident victims for toxoplasma because the toxoplasma, this parasite, this cat parasite, makes people do nutty shit. 0.99

01:03:40.000 It makes people wild. 0.99

01:03:40.000 Cats used to rule the world. 0.99

01:03:42.000 Maybe this used to be bigger than it is now.

01:03:44.000 Maybe that's what the cat's rule of the world thing is.

01:03:46.000 Are people getting rid of their cats now?

01:03:48.000 Are you getting rid of your cats?

01:03:49.000 No.

01:03:49.000 Maybe Redman has it.

01:03:51.000 He's all submissive.

01:03:52.000 He is.

01:03:53.000 But he'd be a woman. 0.85

01:03:55.000 Pyramids. 0.99

01:03:56.000 But look, if you think about Brazilians, Brazilian men are notoriously aggressive, Brazilian women notoriously submissive and sexual. 0.99

01:04:03.000 You know, maybe that's what it is. 0.99

01:04:04.000 I mean, 66%, two out of three women of childbearing age are infected with this cat parasite. 1.00

01:04:09.000 I wonder if it has something to do with their asses, if there's a connection. 0.99

01:04:13.000 You think? 1.00

01:04:14.000 That's why they put their ass in it. 1.00

01:04:15.000 There's a reason that 85% of all women between the ages of 18 and 48 have great asses in Rio. 1.00

01:04:24.000 There's got to be something. 0.99

01:04:25.000 It could be cat piss.

01:04:26.000 It could be the milk.

01:04:27.000 And why do cats put their butt up in the air when you tap on it? 1.00

01:04:30.000 Because they want you to get that dirty shit. 1.00

01:04:32.000 Yeah, that's right. 1.00

01:04:33.000 It's like, no, look, I got this for you. 1.00

01:04:35.000 Suck on this ass. 1.00

01:04:36.000 That's an interesting thing that you said that because that's one of the things that one of these articles was saying was that people who are normally polite people, when they sneeze, will sometimes inadvertently or unconsciously turn towards people and sneeze. 1.00

01:04:50.000 They don't even realize why they're doing it.

01:04:52.000 Really?

01:04:52.000 They almost have an instinct to turn towards people and sneeze.

01:04:55.000 I've seen people do it before.

01:04:56.000 Wow.

01:04:57.000 Well, they go like this.

01:04:58.000 Like, you stand here, you go... 0.99

01:05:00.000 Like, literally, you have, like, your body is trying to get you to fucking blow a sneeze on somebody. 0.98

01:05:06.000 This is the theory. 0.99

01:05:07.000 How many cats do you have, Brian?

01:05:08.000 It's very possible, if you think about what it does to cats and what it does to people, it's very possible that some viruses could try to get you to be attracted to people when they expel.

01:05:16.000 How many cats do you have?

01:05:17.000 I have two, but Joey Diaz has ten or nine. 1.00

01:05:19.000 What the fuck, cocksucker? 1.00

01:05:21.000 Stop bringing up my cats! 1.00

01:05:22.000 I got a good amount!

01:05:23.000 Y'all need to get tested.

01:05:25.000 Seriously, man. 1.00

01:05:25.000 No shit, right? 1.00

01:05:27.000 I'm being real here. 1.00

01:05:28.000 No, totally, dude.

01:05:29.000 If you think about that, if your cat has ever been outside and you think your cat may have eaten a rat, you know...

01:05:35.000 Oh, my cats have never been outside.

01:05:37.000 Well, then I don't think you have to worry about it.

01:05:39.000 I think in Brazil, they leave those cats out a little bit more.

01:05:41.000 What's the cure to it anyway? 1.00

01:05:42.000 You're fucked. 1.00

01:05:43.000 You might have to change the cat box with condoms on your face. 1.00

01:05:46.000 No, that's not a cure.

01:05:48.000 It's going to keep you from infecting other cats.

01:05:50.000 No, exactly.

01:05:52.000 It'll keep you from getting in your pores. 0.96

01:05:54.000 Right, but that's not a cure.

01:05:55.000 That's a preventive method.

01:05:57.000 But once you get it, I don't think you can do anything about it.

01:05:59.000 The cure is just a water bottle that you spray yourself with.

01:06:01.000 Yeah.

01:06:03.000 It's fascinating when you think about that your whole life could get hijacked.

01:06:06.000 Like some parasite could literally take over your body and talk your body into living a totally different life.

01:06:13.000 And what the doctor was talking about, the scientist, Sapolsky I believe his name is, what he was talking about was that the idea of free will is really an illusion.

01:06:22.000 Like there's a bunch of mitigating factors that cause you to move in one direction or another and to make certain decisions.

01:06:28.000 So to think that you have complete free will is kind of silly.

01:06:31.000 If you go on Amazon, there's a urine detector for cat urine.

01:06:35.000 And if you ever buy it, just be warned.

01:06:37.000 It doesn't just detect urine. 1.00

01:06:39.000 It detects a lot of gross shit. 0.99

01:06:41.000 So it's kind of cool. 0.99

01:06:43.000 Like what? 0.98

01:06:44.000 Like cum. 1.00

01:06:44.000 Like if you put it on your bed, it's just like all this shit comes up. 1.00

01:06:47.000 It's pretty scary. 0.97

01:06:48.000 Dude, but you've seen those inside edition things where they go to like hotel rooms and check the covers.

01:06:54.000 Oh, dude, dude just jizz all over the covers. 0.98

01:06:57.000 It's like a goddamn Jackson Pollock painting every time you walk in a room with a black light. 0.99

01:07:01.000 Just loads everywhere. 0.98

01:07:03.000 Loads all over the floor.

01:07:04.000 Loads on the wall.

01:07:05.000 You'll find loads everywhere. 0.99

01:07:07.000 Several times I've pulled out a load and just let it drip on the fucking carpet. 1.00

01:07:14.000 In a hotel? 0.99

01:07:17.000 Dude, have you ever thrown your come on the wall?

01:07:18.000 I've done that in come on.

01:07:19.000 You have it.

01:07:20.000 You have it just spilled on the carpet.

01:07:22.000 I might have.

01:07:23.000 I'm just not thinking about it.

01:07:24.000 I'm not judging you.

01:07:25.000 I might have, for sure, but I can't remember any.

01:07:27.000 You ever throw your come on the wall at a hotel room?

01:07:29.000 I've never done that.

01:07:30.000 No?

01:07:31.000 Try it.

01:07:31.000 It's so awesome.

01:07:32.000 Just take a look and just throw it on the wall.

01:07:33.000 It's like Spider-Man. 1.00

01:07:34.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99

01:07:35.000 Never done that. 1.00

01:07:36.000 Do it.

01:07:38.000 That is the nastiest fluid.

01:07:40.000 It's really pretty much the same thing as snot.

01:07:43.000 It's phlegm.

01:07:44.000 But the fact that it also can make babies, it just makes it ultra nasty.

01:07:49.000 It's weird how some girls love the taste of it and some girls don't.

01:07:53.000 If you had to choose between eating a dude's snot and eating a dude's load, for sure you're going to go with snot. 0.73

01:07:59.000 What?

01:07:59.000 You would take the load?

01:08:01.000 Aren't they meant chicks? 0.96

01:08:02.000 Yeah. 0.94

01:08:02.000 Say if a guy's got a gun to your head and says, listen, you're either going to eat this load or you're going to eat some snot. 0.94

01:08:07.000 You're like, alright, I'll eat your snot. 0.99

01:08:08.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:08:09.000 Eating your snot is just rude. 1.00

01:08:11.000 But what if the snot was coming from the guy's dick also? 1.00

01:08:14.000 What? 1.00

01:08:15.000 That doesn't even make sense.

01:08:17.000 Like if somehow they put it in there.

01:08:18.000 Brian lives in an alternate world.

01:08:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:21.000 If a dick had a cold. 1.00

01:08:22.000 That's a good question. 1.00

01:08:23.000 Like they packed the snot up in the dick and then squeezed it out. 0.99

01:08:25.000 Like a pastry thing. 0.99

01:08:27.000 Right. 1.00

01:08:27.000 Come from a dick or snot from a dick. 1.00

01:08:29.000 Which one would you take? 1.00

01:08:30.000 What are those pastry things called? 1.00

01:08:33.000 Those pastry squeezers.

01:08:34.000 I don't know.

01:08:35.000 I know what you're talking about.

01:08:36.000 I don't cook. 1.00

01:08:37.000 Imagine you could do that and stuff someone's snot up your dick like that and then squeeze it out. 1.00

01:08:42.000 Dick spit. 1.00

01:08:44.000 Dick spit. 1.00

01:08:45.000 I like that one. 0.99

01:08:46.000 I'm going to use that.

01:08:47.000 Have you guys been to Six Flags lately?

01:08:49.000 No.

01:08:50.000 I have.

01:08:51.000 I just found out I live like 15 miles away from it, so I got a season pass, go to the pool and stuff.

01:08:56.000 You go once.

01:08:57.000 It's amazing, though, if you go on the rides during the day, it's amazing how the people that work their roller coasters...

01:09:03.000 If you go on the highest, biggest roller coaster, you get the best employees, I guess, that work at Six Flags.

01:09:09.000 But if you go on that one boat that just rocks up and down, you obviously have the worst employees.

01:09:14.000 I had one guy, and I swear to God, he might be mentally handicapped, so I don't want... 1.00

01:09:20.000 But he literally is like...

01:09:22.000 Hey, everybody!

01:09:23.000 And he's operating the ride?

01:09:25.000 Operating the ride.

01:09:26.000 I looked at him and I'm like, can I put my water bottle on the ground here?

01:09:30.000 And he just was like glassy staring.

01:09:32.000 He had no idea he was even there.

01:09:34.000 And I recorded him.

01:09:35.000 And he's operating the ride?

01:09:36.000 Yeah.

01:09:37.000 You have a video of this guy?

01:09:38.000 I don't have video, but I have his voice of us getting on the ride.

01:09:41.000 Oh, my God.

01:09:42.000 And I'll play it for you in a second.

01:09:44.000 By the way, man, have you been on the roller coasters they've been playing or that they have?

01:09:50.000 X2 is insane.

01:09:51.000 I will never do that.

01:09:52.000 X2 is not like a regular roller coaster where you see where you're going.

01:09:57.000 You see the loops.

01:09:58.000 They flip you upside down.

01:09:59.000 You're upside down.

01:10:00.000 You're going backwards.

01:10:01.000 You start out backwards. 1.00

01:10:02.000 It's fucking horrifying. 1.00

01:10:04.000 You did it? 1.00

01:10:05.000 Yeah.

01:10:05.000 There's no way you can't be spinning.

01:10:06.000 Dude, my toes were curling.

01:10:08.000 Yeah, that's the one that does five dimensions or whatever they say.

01:10:12.000 Is that the one you're talking about where it spins up and down while you're going upside down?

01:10:15.000 You got the video?

01:10:16.000 Yeah, here it is.

01:10:17.000 All right, explain this again.

01:10:18.000 For people just tuning in?

01:10:20.000 Alright, this is the swing ride where you get on like a swing set.

01:10:23.000 So you have Six Flags.

01:10:23.000 Yeah.

01:10:24.000 You're about to get on the ride.

01:10:25.000 And this is the guy that... 0.99

01:10:26.000 And there's a guy operating the ride that was really dumb, scary, something's wrong with him. 0.99

01:10:29.000 Very scary right now. 0.99

01:10:30.000 Listen.

01:10:34.000 Before we embark on our journey, please ask that you please do not rock, twist, kick, or hold on to the pirate in front or behind you, or you will have to walk the plank.

01:10:50.000 If at any time you start to feel safe and wish for your adventure, Oh my god.

01:11:12.000 That was pretty incredible.

01:11:13.000 That's insane. 1.00

01:11:15.000 That guy's the guy who's operating this fucking death machine? 1.00

01:11:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:19.000 And I had said something to him. 1.00

01:11:24.000 And I had said something to him, and he looked at me right in the eye, but it was like glass.

01:11:28.000 It was like, wow, this guy is not, like, this murder guy.

01:11:32.000 I mean, you know, maybe the dude is super responsible, just because he has this tremendous speech impediment.

01:11:36.000 Maybe he's a super responsible, super, like, conscientious guy.

01:11:40.000 Maybe he's deaf, dude. 1.00

01:11:42.000 Have you ever thought about that?

01:11:43.000 Maybe he was deaf. 0.96

01:11:44.000 Well, then you can't hear people screaming to stop the ride.

01:11:46.000 That can't be good.

01:11:47.000 Maybe it was. 1.00

01:11:48.000 If you're the fucking dude who's got the hand on the ride button. 1.00

01:11:50.000 Dude, that ride was nothing. 1.00

01:11:51.000 Babies go on those rides. 0.90

01:11:53.000 It's like a merry-go-round with swings.

01:11:56.000 What was it?

01:11:57.000 Which one was it?

01:11:58.000 That one?

01:11:59.000 That ride.

01:11:59.000 That one is the one that just spins in a circle, which is swings.

01:12:02.000 But still, I mean, it's a ride, you know?

01:12:04.000 Right, okay.

01:12:05.000 So you still think it's too dangerous for a retired... 1.00

01:12:07.000 Well, I mean, if something were to happen...

01:12:08.000 What do you think was wrong with him?

01:12:11.000 I think maybe Special Olympics.

01:12:14.000 Special Olympics? 0.99

01:12:16.000 No, there's no way Magic Mountain would hire a retard. 1.00

01:12:19.000 Okay, but what if there's all sorts of levels of impairment that human beings suffer from?

01:12:23.000 Maybe he passed a test with colors and stuff.

01:12:26.000 Is there a test?

01:12:27.000 Probably.

01:12:27.000 What do you think the test is?

01:12:29.000 Colors and shapes.

01:12:30.000 Those shapes that you put in the circles.

01:12:32.000 That's why it seems like the test would be there.

01:12:33.000 You know, the odds of getting killed in one of those accidents is very, very slim. 0.99

01:12:37.000 But when it happens, god damn, that must suck. 0.99

01:12:40.000 You know, you put yourself on some wacky roller coaster that flips you around, you wind up dying. 0.99

01:12:45.000 Can you imagine hanging out with a dude?

01:12:46.000 We gotta get a deaf dude on crystal meth where he just can't shut up. 1.00

01:12:53.000 Can you imagine that where he just won't shut up?

01:12:55.000 He's got so many stories to tell you.

01:12:59.000 By the way, the guy was not deaf because when I asked him the question, he turned around when I asked about the water bottle.

01:13:04.000 It's 420, by the way.

01:13:06.000 Holla.

01:13:07.000 So he's not deaf.

01:13:08.000 He wasn't deaf.

01:13:09.000 So you think he maybe had some sort of autism or something?

01:13:12.000 Yeah, something like that, maybe. 0.99

01:13:13.000 But it was ridiculous. 0.96

01:13:14.000 Speech impediment, for sure, right? 0.97

01:13:16.000 Right.

01:13:16.000 And what's ridiculous is that on another ride, again, it wasn't the biggest ride.

01:13:21.000 It was called the Ninja, which is a roller coaster.

01:13:23.000 But they were going to check everybody's straps and stuff.

01:13:27.000 And the guy, you see him checking it, and then he goes to mine and he just tapped it.

01:13:32.000 I'm like, you weren't even lifting or anything.

01:13:34.000 You just touched it.

01:13:35.000 Just touching it does not check anything.

01:13:37.000 I was like, did he just touch it?

01:13:40.000 You know what I mean?

01:13:41.000 Like how they lift it?

01:13:42.000 They assume that it's set.

01:13:44.000 It could be loose and you could go flying out.

01:13:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:48.000 What a fucking scary way to die that must be. 0.99

01:13:51.000 And then there was this guy that kept on... 0.99

01:13:54.000 We were waiting in line for a raft ride and it was really hot.

01:13:57.000 And so every couple minutes he would splash...

01:14:00.000 Everybody that's in line with water, like he was the lifeguard.

01:14:02.000 He was the one that pushed you down over the side in this raft.

01:14:05.000 But every couple minutes he would like splash you. 0.99

01:14:07.000 He kept on like fucking kicking water in my face. 0.99

01:14:10.000 So when I got up there, I just started fucking kicking water back at him. 0.99

01:14:13.000 And he goes, and he blows the whistle and goes, hey, we got a problem here? 0.98

01:14:16.000 And I'm like, wait, wait, I can't splash you? 0.98

01:14:18.000 You just got done fucking splashing me for 15 minutes. 0.91

01:14:21.000 So now I feel like I'm getting in fights with people that are here to like make sure I know. 0.99

01:14:24.000 But isn't that a part of the ride that he splashes you?

01:14:27.000 No, no, no.

01:14:27.000 This is while we're waiting in line.

01:14:28.000 So he's just being a dick? 1.00

01:14:29.000 He's just being a dick, like spraying people with water. 1.00

01:14:31.000 And he was doing it like, he probably hit me like three or five times. 0.99

01:14:35.000 Did you ask him to stop? 1.00

01:14:36.000 No, everyone in line was like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:14:38.000 Stop, you know? 0.99

01:14:39.000 There was like parents and stuff and kids.

01:14:41.000 And the kids were liking it.

01:14:43.000 So the kids were liking it.

01:14:45.000 So you're a big party pooper.

01:14:47.000 No, I splashed them back. 0.99

01:14:49.000 Here's the thing you have to consider, back to the subject of parasites.

01:14:52.000 When you're at those water parks, man, you have to be real careful of swallowing that water. 0.99

01:14:57.000 That water is funky as fuck. 1.00

01:14:59.000 I saw a fucking turd in the water. 1.00

01:15:02.000 Oh, dude, no doubt. 0.99

01:15:03.000 There's like a pool, like a wave pool, and then they have like this small pool for just like kids and stuff like that.

01:15:08.000 Hey, man, I know a woman who was a nurse, and her daughter went to one of those parks, swallowed some water, and got horribly sick and became paralyzed.

01:15:17.000 She got some sort of terrible infection.

01:15:19.000 She was deathly ill, and she wound up with a limited use of her legs, man.

01:15:24.000 What?

01:15:25.000 Are you serious? 1.00

01:15:26.000 Dude, infections can fuck with your whole system, man. 1.00

01:15:29.000 A horrible infection. 1.00

01:15:31.000 You know, Cole Escovito?

01:15:33.000 You know Cole Escovito?

01:15:33.000 He had staph and he was paralyzed, man.

01:15:36.000 He almost couldn't walk again. 1.00

01:15:38.000 It took him over a year to recover from that shit. 0.99

01:15:42.000 You can get an infection, dude, that just wrecks your whole life. 0.99

01:15:45.000 And those water parks are prime.

01:15:48.000 That water is not clean at all.

01:15:50.000 That water is death.

01:15:52.000 You swallow a mouthful of that water.

01:15:54.000 Like, if you go to a water park with your kids, you gotta be real upfront with them about this.

01:15:58.000 You gotta say, you cannot take this water into your mouth.

01:16:01.000 This is bad, dangerous water.

01:16:03.000 For real, it sounds ridiculous, but you really shouldn't take your kids on those slides or those water rides. 1.00

01:16:08.000 They get a mouthful of that shit, your little four-year-old who doesn't know any better, they could get fucking deathly ill. 1.00

01:16:13.000 They could die. 1.00

01:16:14.000 Did you know you're not supposed to swallow even a drop of toothpaste?

01:16:18.000 Yeah, toothpaste has fluoride in it.

01:16:20.000 It's poisonous.

01:16:20.000 Yeah.

01:16:21.000 Fluoride is bad for you.

01:16:22.000 Fluoride is really bad.

01:16:23.000 It's old school.

01:16:24.000 I used to, as a kid, when I was drunk driving, I would keep toothpaste in my car, and I would put it in my mouth and swish it in between my mouth and swallow it.

01:16:29.000 Yeah, well, you're dying now.

01:16:31.000 That's why.

01:16:32.000 You're rotting out from the inside. 0.94

01:16:34.000 That's why you got that cat piss going on. 0.97

01:16:36.000 It's fighting the cat piss, my fluoride.

01:16:39.000 Dude, it's no joke, man. 1.00

01:16:41.000 Fluoride is scary shit. 1.00

01:16:42.000 That's the reason why it kills everything in the water and everything in your mouth. 1.00

01:16:44.000 It just seems like you should tell people that, hey, this thing that you put in your mouth, don't swallow it.

01:16:49.000 No one ever told me that.

01:16:51.000 I buy that hippie toothpaste.

01:16:52.000 I buy hippie toothpaste.

01:16:54.000 I buy that Uncle Tom's of Maine stuff.

01:16:55.000 It doesn't have anything in it.

01:16:57.000 Or Tom's of Maine.

01:16:58.000 Uncle Tom.

01:16:58.000 I made him Uncle Tom.

01:16:59.000 I used to eat TV Guy.

01:17:01.000 You used to eat TV Guy?

01:17:02.000 I used to eat the TV Guy.

01:17:05.000 Seriously.

01:17:05.000 That's how poor I was.

01:17:07.000 I would turn out pieces of paper.

01:17:08.000 I would eat a complete page, but I would snack on little pieces of it. 0.99

01:17:12.000 Are you fucking serious? 0.99

01:17:13.000 Yeah, seriously. 0.99

01:17:13.000 I guess I was mineral deficient or something and needed fiber or something. 0.99

01:17:18.000 I used to eat the TV guide.

01:17:20.000 I used to eat boogers.

01:17:22.000 Everyone used to eat boogers, right?

01:17:23.000 No, I was never into boogers.

01:17:25.000 I was into boogers. 1.00

01:17:26.000 I was into dirt and grass.

01:17:27.000 I like taking a real wet, tangy, sloppy booger and you just keep rolling it, working it on your finger until it's a solid ball.

01:17:36.000 And then you eat it.

01:17:37.000 Then I would munch on it.

01:17:39.000 It's like making bread, you know what I mean?

01:17:42.000 I'm fighting back a dry heave.

01:17:43.000 I used to eat grass so much as a kid that now I could get wheatgrass juice, and I love the taste of wheatgrass just because I used to eat so much grass as a kid.

01:17:52.000 Wow. 0.97

01:17:53.000 Oh, I fucked up the other day at Jamba Juice. 0.99

01:17:55.000 I totally did not mean to do this. 0.98

01:17:57.000 But there's this girl, she got me my wheatgrass juice, and she goes, do you want an orange chaser with it?

01:18:01.000 And I go, no, I'm okay.

01:18:03.000 I'm like, oh, this stuff is nasty.

01:18:04.000 And I downed it.

01:18:05.000 And she goes, you think it's nasty?

01:18:07.000 I love the taste. 0.99

01:18:08.000 I go, oh, that's because you're a cow. 1.00

01:18:10.000 Oh! 0.96

01:18:12.000 You really did that?

01:18:13.000 I didn't mean that, though.

01:18:15.000 What are you, a cow? 1.00

01:18:17.000 Was she fat? 1.00

01:18:18.000 Pig? 0.99

01:18:18.000 No, she wasn't fat. 0.99

01:18:19.000 But every girl thinks she's fat. 1.00

01:18:20.000 But if it was a dude, you know, we were joking around before that, you know?

01:18:24.000 It was like all friendly talk.

01:18:26.000 And I just, I totally didn't.

01:18:28.000 You can't call a girl a cow.

01:18:30.000 You can call a dude a cow.

01:18:31.000 Like, if a guy said, like, you know, oh, I'd like to taste a wheatgrass. 1.00

01:18:35.000 Like, what are you, a fucking cow? 0.99

01:18:36.000 Like, you'd be joking around with him. 1.00

01:18:38.000 Like, as long as you're laughing and smiling, it would be all fun.

01:18:40.000 But with a girl, you could never call her a cow.

01:18:43.000 I could call you a cow. 1.00

01:18:44.000 If you're eating grass, I'm like, what are you, a fucking cow? 1.00

01:18:46.000 Yeah, that's everything. 1.00

01:18:47.000 Then you would laugh. 1.00

01:18:47.000 Or you could call a white guy, like, if he's a beast, that motherfucker's a gorilla. 1.00

01:18:50.000 Right, right, right. 1.00

01:18:51.000 Like, I call you a gorilla all the time. 0.99

01:18:52.000 Yeah, you can't say that about a black dude. 0.99

01:18:54.000 Yeah, you can't. 0.98

01:18:55.000 They get mad.

01:18:56.000 Yeah.

01:18:57.000 What are you guys saying?

01:18:58.000 What are we saying?

01:18:58.000 Why would they get mad?

01:19:00.000 What the fuck, Brian? 0.99

01:19:02.000 Why are you even bringing it up? 0.99

01:19:03.000 I totally, right after it came out of my mouth, I wanted to take it back, but then I didn't want to address it.

01:19:08.000 I really don't mean you're a cow.

01:19:11.000 It was a terrible idea to joke that I wasn't thinking. 1.00

01:19:14.000 I just said it, and then after it escaped my mouth, I was like, oh, you dick. 1.00

01:19:18.000 But I didn't mean to be a dick. 0.99

01:19:21.000 So, I'm in this new part of a relationship where when I fart, I can't say it's a fart yet. 0.94

01:19:25.000 So how do you get to that part of the relationship where you can just be like, oh, I farted.

01:19:29.000 You know, because I'm so tired of blaming on cats.

01:19:32.000 Don't go there.

01:19:34.000 It'll kill everything.

01:19:35.000 I know.

01:19:36.000 Be honest, is the sex drive exactly where it was from the beginning to the way it is now?

01:19:42.000 Same thing?

01:19:42.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:19:43.000 Has it tapered off at all?

01:19:44.000 No, no.

01:19:44.000 Don't fart.

01:19:45.000 It's getting way better.

01:19:46.000 Don't fart.

01:19:46.000 Good reason to have all those animals around.

01:19:48.000 The other day, it was so bad.

01:19:49.000 I had no excuses.

01:19:51.000 I couldn't say the cat did it because I've said it so many times.

01:19:53.000 Luckily, she didn't say a word.

01:19:55.000 You just ignore it? 0.99

01:19:56.000 No, just, you know, in the middle of the night while you're sleeping, punch her in the nose. 0.98

01:20:01.000 And then her nose will swell up. 0.98

01:20:03.000 She'll get a deviated septum. 1.00

01:20:04.000 It makes it much harder to smell farts. 0.93

01:20:07.000 Yeah, farting in your sleep.

01:20:08.000 You ever fart so loud you wake up in your sleep?

01:20:11.000 Are you okay to fart in front of your girl? 0.90

01:20:12.000 I don't, just out of respect.

01:20:14.000 Do you leave the room?

01:20:15.000 Do you leave the room or just... 0.98

01:20:16.000 Like if she walks in, like she'll walk into my office, I'm like, you better back the fuck up. 1.00

01:20:20.000 I just farted. 0.98

01:20:22.000 But I don't fart in front of her because I don't want her farting in front of me.

01:20:25.000 This is what I'm thinking. 1.00

01:20:26.000 There's times where I have to fart really, really bad, but I'll just hold that motherfucker, and then I fall asleep. 0.99

01:20:31.000 Is there any way you hold it while you're still asleep? 1.00

01:20:34.000 No.

01:20:34.000 There's no way.

01:20:35.000 No way.

01:20:35.000 I had an ex-girlfriend wake me up because she was farting.

01:20:38.000 She farted so loud, it woke me up. 0.99

01:20:40.000 And I was like, what the fuck did I hear? 1.00

01:20:42.000 And I was like, look at her ass, and then a second one came out. 1.00

01:20:45.000 Like a really loud one. 1.00

01:20:46.000 And then she woke up.

01:20:48.000 She was like, what happened?

01:20:49.000 I go, yeah, what happened?

01:20:51.000 And then I went back to sleep.

01:20:52.000 You know those vacuums that they have at the car wash places, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:20:55.000 If they'd have one right by your bed, you'd just put it right on your ass. 1.00

01:20:58.000 Like a smoking one. 1.00

01:21:00.000 You'd always have to think about that thing stuck to your ass. 1.00

01:21:05.000 What I did last night is I got this tip off the internet is that you take a little bit of Vicks Vapor Rub and put it around your asshole. 1.00

01:21:11.000 So even if it does fart, it just smells like Vicks Vapor Rub. 0.99

01:21:13.000 So on the internet, I got a tip to do that. 1.00

01:21:15.000 Yeah, you try that and your asshole's gonna light on fire. 1.00

01:21:18.000 That's terrible advice, Brian. 1.00

01:21:19.000 You can't put chemicals in your asshole. 1.00

01:21:21.000 You gotta put capsaicin right on your butthole. 1.00

01:21:24.000 Your butthole is like open sores. 1.00

01:21:27.000 It's like an open wound. 1.00

01:21:29.000 It's super open skin.

01:21:31.000 It's incredible how airtight it is because you know there's a gigantic explosion right there at the end, but you can't smell it.

01:21:36.000 So what can you do besides fix vapor rub that would come?

01:21:39.000 It's right there.

01:21:39.000 If you rub shaving cream or alcohol aftershave on your hands, it never bothers you at all.

01:21:46.000 But if you rub that shit on your balls, it's going to fucking hurt. 1.00

01:21:49.000 And your balls, you dip your dick in it. 1.00

01:21:50.000 If you dip your dick in that stuff and it touches that soft tissue, you put that around your asshole. 1.00

01:21:55.000 What about just some bubble gum or something? 1.00

01:21:57.000 Just plug it up with some bubble gum before you go to bed?

01:22:00.000 Put roses around it, like glue roses around it so it goes through a rose filter.

01:22:04.000 Some lemon juice.

01:22:05.000 Maybe that's what you could do. 0.83

01:22:06.000 Make a filter out of roses, like a diaphragm, and it has little stickies on it on the side, and you just stick it right to your butthole so it's like a filter. 0.92

01:22:14.000 So when you fart, it goes through...

01:22:15.000 There was an SNL sketch like maybe 15 years ago.

01:22:17.000 It was a commercial parody where they go, now you can, you know, no more embarrassing farts. 0.99

01:22:23.000 They take a big horn, and you stuck a big horn in your ass, and then when you would fart, there'd be an electronic voice that said... 0.99

01:22:29.000 How about them Dodgers? 0.99

01:22:31.000 Oh, I remember that.

01:22:32.000 I remember that.

01:22:33.000 It was like the worst episode, buddy.

01:22:36.000 It was just, how about them Dodgers?

01:22:40.000 And then it did filter out your fart smell. 0.62

01:22:42.000 It is pretty incredible when you think about all the technology that we have, that we have zero invested in farts.

01:22:49.000 We have nothing invested in cleaning up the smell of farts.

01:22:52.000 There's no product.

01:22:53.000 Farts are like a normal part of everyone's day.

01:22:56.000 And yet there's no technology that exists to try to deal with these farts.

01:23:00.000 There should be like a fart sucker built inside the seat cushion where you sit down and it's like right there.

01:23:05.000 And you could secretly just press that button.

01:23:07.000 Why don't they have filters? 0.99

01:23:09.000 They have a filter on the top of my litter box so that I don't smell my cat's shit. 0.98

01:23:13.000 There's a charcoal filter. 0.98

01:23:14.000 Why don't they make filters for your underwear? 0.63

01:23:16.000 If you like to eat a lot of Mexican food or if you're going out drinking and you know you're going to be farting, why don't they have some filters?

01:23:22.000 Yeah, that's a good idea.

01:23:23.000 Like fart Kotex.

01:23:26.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:23:27.000 Like fart Kotex.

01:23:28.000 Building into your underwear.

01:23:30.000 Your Saturday night party in shorts. 1.00

01:23:31.000 Yeah, Velcro and shit. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Yeah. 0.93

01:23:33.000 It's built in.

01:23:34.000 These are your Saturday night partying underwear, and they have built-in charcoal filter.

01:23:38.000 Yeah, and they're just scented, like strawberries or something like that, too. 1.00

01:23:41.000 It's really like a butt plug, because you've got to fuck with the noise, too. 1.00

01:23:44.000 The noise is going to fuck everything. 1.00

01:23:45.000 So you need to stick something in your ass, like maybe a couple inches, and then it just, like something realistic. 1.00

01:23:49.000 Well, the noise would be way muffled if you got a Kotex over your butt hole. 1.00

01:23:54.000 How much? 0.98

01:23:55.000 Not a real loud one.

01:23:56.000 Not my farts.

01:23:57.000 I'll tell you what. 1.00

01:23:58.000 Tate Fletcher would be their fucking product management guy. 0.99

01:24:01.000 He'd be the one to test to see the efficacy of their individual filters. 0.99

01:24:05.000 Tate would be...

01:24:06.000 Nobody can fart like Tate.

01:24:07.000 Sound, though, is not really a problem.

01:24:09.000 White trench coat. 1.00

01:24:09.000 With a fucking clipboard, Tate. 1.00

01:24:11.000 He's like organizing. 1.00

01:24:13.000 He's like head of the science team.

01:24:14.000 And it's all built around his gas.

01:24:17.000 He has a stethoscope.

01:24:17.000 He put the stethoscope near his stomach to try to determine whether or not he's ready to fart.

01:24:22.000 Did you fart?

01:24:22.000 No, it's hot.

01:24:23.000 It's hot.

01:24:24.000 My AC broke on this side of the house.

01:24:26.000 I gotta get it fixed.

01:24:28.000 Get some Mexicans to fix that. 1.00

01:24:29.000 Hey, what the fuck again with the Mexicans, man? 1.00

01:24:33.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:24:34.000 So, speaking of Mexicans, the Gulf of Mexico, that fucking oil spill, they've just determined that the oil's coming out in multiple locations. 0.99

01:24:41.000 They've just confirmed that it's not just this one spot. 1.00

01:24:44.000 So even if they dig this relief well, it still might be fucked. 0.99

01:24:47.000 Because the oil's coming out from... 0.97

01:24:49.000 All these different spots, like, very far away from each other. 0.99

01:24:52.000 It's a fucking mess, dude. 0.99

01:24:53.000 Has it fucked up Cancun yet? 1.00

01:24:55.000 I don't know. 0.86

01:24:56.000 I don't think so.

01:24:56.000 Dude, once it goes around the Florida and goes up the coast, that's crazy.

01:25:00.000 Because, I mean, just think Myrtle Beach, Florida beaches, all that shit. 0.99

01:25:03.000 You're not going to be able to swim in that beach on the East Coast. 0.99

01:25:05.000 Yeah, all those beaches are jacked, dude. 0.96

01:25:07.000 It might go to England.

01:25:08.000 Yeah.

01:25:09.000 It's the whole thing.

01:25:10.000 That's fine.

01:25:11.000 It's so incredible that they don't have a way to stop the oil, that they're allowed to make these things and not have fail-safes.

01:25:17.000 You would think there would be a bunch of set fail-safes.

01:25:19.000 If there's a rupture in this line, we shut it off here.

01:25:21.000 If there's a rupture here, we shut it off here.

01:25:23.000 This way, we can absolutely ensure there will be no pollution that comes out of this one.

01:25:27.000 What kind of animals are going to evolve and thrive in the oil?

01:25:30.000 Like these crazy beasts?

01:25:32.000 It's probably not going to happen. 0.93

01:25:34.000 Maybe millions of years from now, if it kept like that, what's going to happen is it's going to kill all these animals off.

01:25:39.000 Oh, make-believe? 0.90

01:25:40.000 Some fire monster. 1.00

01:25:42.000 Some fucking dragon that eats the oil and then stores it in like a special gland and it's got rocks in the back of his throat and that's how it sparks up the flames. 1.00

01:25:51.000 He shits coal. 1.00

01:25:53.000 How many dragons are there in ancient cultures, and where the fuck did that come from? 1.00

01:25:57.000 Dragons still exist, man. 0.99

01:25:59.000 I went to the zoo, and some of these lizard things, those looked like fucking, like Komodo dragons. 0.99

01:26:03.000 Right. 1.00

01:26:03.000 That shit's crazy. 1.00

01:26:05.000 Have you seen a Komodo dragon? 1.00

01:26:06.000 You think that's what it is?

01:26:07.000 Yeah, I think Komodo dragons were just like, you know, dwarfs of their big old... 1.00

01:26:11.000 So you think like the Chinese dragon came from someone saw like a crocodile or a kimono dragon and just drew it and the story went back and forth throughout time.

01:26:19.000 Dude, drawings being misinterpreted.

01:26:21.000 You know, like when you were saying that dude, like there was drawings of people with tails and stuff.

01:26:24.000 That's probably just some gay guy that some dude was drawing.

01:26:27.000 You know, like he was dressed up as a dragon. 0.82

01:26:28.000 Or it could have been like, you know, the National Enquirer for 6,000 years ago. 0.99

01:26:32.000 They were just making shit up. 0.99

01:26:33.000 Exactly. 0.99

01:26:33.000 Yeah, that's possible. 0.99

01:26:36.000 Okay, if you had to believe in one, dragons or vampires?

01:26:41.000 You had to choose one.

01:26:42.000 Dragons? 1.00

01:26:43.000 Fucking vampires, dude. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Vampires are so stupid. 1.00

01:26:46.000 Don't forget about Gary Oldman. 1.00

01:26:47.000 Think about that.

01:26:48.000 Think about that.

01:26:49.000 I believe werewolves before I believe in vampires. 1.00

01:26:52.000 Name one cool dragon fucker. 1.00

01:26:53.000 No, I believe vampires before I believe werewolves. 1.00

01:26:55.000 Because I think vampires, what could it be, it could be some sort of a parasite. 0.98

01:26:59.000 Something that hijacks your system. 0.98

01:27:00.000 Yeah, but vampires are supposed to be dead.

01:27:02.000 Yeah, but what if the parasite hijacks your aging system, too, and keeps you alive, but it makes you feast on blood? 0.79

01:27:07.000 The idea of a blood-sucking person, a person that lives off blood, that a parasite could trick you into doing that, that is way more possible than a werewolf.

01:27:18.000 Someone changes back and forth to another animal, and then back again? 0.99

01:27:21.000 That's ridiculous. 0.75

01:27:22.000 So you're saying that sun can burn people during the day? 0.96

01:27:25.000 No, but I could say that if they had some sort of a crazy blood problem, where they may be intensely anemic, they might have a real aversion to sun.

01:27:35.000 They might lose the pigment in their eyes.

01:27:37.000 It's possible, man. 1.00

01:27:38.000 You see the shit that parasites do do to different insects? 0.99

01:27:42.000 Different caterpillars and bugs and ants and all sorts of different things. 1.00

01:27:46.000 Their whole bodies get hijacked by parasites.

01:27:49.000 Completely rewires their entire system.

01:27:51.000 It happens to frogs.

01:27:52.000 It happens to lizards.

01:27:54.000 So many different animals exist in the animal kingdom.

01:27:56.000 And they're just recently discovering new parasites that hijack new hosts and cause them to do...

01:28:01.000 So, let's get this straight. 0.81

01:28:02.000 The cat parasites make women more horny? 1.00

01:28:05.000 It makes women more submissive. 1.00

01:28:06.000 I mean, there's all sorts of interpretation of how it exactly affects them.

01:28:11.000 How did they figure that out?

01:28:12.000 It seems to make men and women the opposite.

01:28:14.000 It makes men more aggressive.

01:28:15.000 And are they going to bottle it? 0.99

01:28:16.000 There's some crazy guy with a beard. 1.00

01:28:17.000 Is there some shit that calms women down? 1.00

01:28:19.000 It doesn't calm them down. 1.00

01:28:20.000 Brazilian women aren't calm. 1.00

01:28:22.000 Well, then, that doesn't make sense, then. 0.97

01:28:24.000 Because they're wild, too.

01:28:25.000 And they have to deal with all those wild men.

01:28:26.000 So, it makes them extra wild.

01:28:27.000 What are you saying, man?

01:28:29.000 This is all based off the research of one guy, right?

01:28:32.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:28:33.000 Is this based off...

01:28:33.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:28:35.000 Toxoplasma is very well established.

01:28:37.000 No, I mean that's overtaking.

01:28:39.000 No, no, no.

01:28:40.000 No, it's not.

01:28:41.000 How do they know it makes them submissive?

01:28:43.000 The CDC says 6 million people, or 60 million people, rather, in America have it.

01:28:46.000 This is the CDC. If you look online, there's many different studies, many different reports, many different scientists working on this.

01:28:53.000 Toxoplasma is a very real parasite that is actually detectable in people that they know is also responsible in part or connected in part to all sorts of different psychological ailments.

01:29:06.000 Yeah, but the part that it's making girls submissive, that part of this whole thing.

01:29:11.000 No, it's not just one guy saying this.

01:29:13.000 No.

01:29:13.000 It would also, it changes all sorts of animals.

01:29:16.000 So like I said, it changes rats, makes them attracted to cat piss, changes men, makes them assholes, makes them reckless. 0.99

01:29:23.000 I mean, it's really fascinating stuff, man. 0.99

01:29:26.000 When you hear that guy's research and you think about how many different parasites might exist that we don't even know about.

01:29:31.000 Did your mic just unplug?

01:29:33.000 Mic?

01:29:33.000 Yeah.

01:29:34.000 No, I hear me.

01:29:35.000 You don't hear me? 1.00

01:29:36.000 My shit don't work. 1.00

01:29:37.000 Check. 1.00

01:29:39.000 There we go.

01:29:41.000 But I can't hear you.

01:29:42.000 We can't hear Joe.

01:29:43.000 That's the thing.

01:29:45.000 Your mic just went out.

01:29:46.000 What about now?

01:29:47.000 Check, check.

01:29:48.000 There you go.

01:29:48.000 Okay.

01:29:49.000 How much was out?

01:29:50.000 Check.

01:29:50.000 Just for like 20 seconds.

01:29:52.000 Yeah.

01:29:52.000 Okay.

01:29:53.000 We're talking about cat piss. 0.97

01:29:54.000 Anyway, we know that these parasites exist and we know that these parasites affect people.

01:29:59.000 And if we know there's just a couple of them, how do we not know that there's a bunch more that we haven't detected yet?

01:30:06.000 What about, did you as a kid used to eat those green weeds with the yellow flower on the top?

01:30:12.000 Did you ever eat those?

01:30:13.000 The dogs would piss on them. 0.73

01:30:15.000 Dogs would pee on them and I would eat them.

01:30:17.000 Oh, dandelions?

01:30:18.000 The green stalks with a yellow flower at the top.

01:30:21.000 Yeah, that's a dandelion.

01:30:22.000 Dandelions you eat, yeah.

01:30:23.000 You can eat the grass.

01:30:24.000 And dogs piss on them all the time. 1.00

01:30:26.000 Think about the parasites I got in my balls right now. 1.00

01:30:28.000 Piss is good for you. 1.00

01:30:29.000 Oh, man. 1.00

01:30:30.000 You have some sort of crazy piss parasite. 1.00

01:30:32.000 Have you ever thought about that? 1.00

01:30:34.000 How crazy that is, though? 0.98

01:30:35.000 That if there really is an animal parasite that makes people aggressive and makes women submissive, that is Brazil. 0.99

01:30:43.000 Dudes are super aggressive. 0.99

01:30:44.000 Cocaine.

01:30:45.000 Cocaine?

01:30:45.000 Yeah, I don't...

01:30:48.000 Cocaine makes women submissive? 1.00

01:30:50.000 It makes them drop to their knees immediately.

01:30:52.000 That's just because they need that coke, right?

01:30:54.000 Aren't they just happy to get that coke?

01:30:55.000 No, I think the coke makes them immediately submissive.

01:30:59.000 Yeah, I think it's coke too.

01:31:01.000 Remember Larry used to have coke around just girls? 0.81

01:31:04.000 Dude, you don't want to blow up anybody's spot.

01:31:06.000 No one knows who Larry is.

01:31:08.000 The cable guy. 0.93

01:31:11.000 That's one thing I've never fucked with and I'm very glad. 1.00

01:31:13.000 Never tried that shit. 1.00

01:31:14.000 Never fucked with it. 1.00

01:31:15.000 I knew too many people that had real problems with it. 0.95

01:31:17.000 I've done coke maybe five times in my whole life.

01:31:19.000 Maybe three to five times. 0.99

01:31:21.000 It sucked. 0.98

01:31:22.000 Scary. 1.00

01:31:22.000 Pussies. 1.00

01:31:23.000 It sucked. 1.00

01:31:23.000 They say you've got to get that rock star coke. 1.00

01:31:25.000 That's what Tom Sawyer from Cobbs in San Francisco, he's always saying you've got to get that rock star coke.

01:31:30.000 I read somewhere something about coke, how there's bad coke going around now that will eat your skin. 0.99

01:31:36.000 It has some kind of fucking chemical in it that just starts burning your skin. 0.99

01:31:40.000 What? 1.00

01:31:40.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:31:41.000 I've got to Google this now. 1.00

01:31:43.000 Bad cocaine.

01:31:45.000 You were telling me about Tylenol. 0.99

01:31:46.000 What the fuck is going on with Tylenol? 0.78

01:31:48.000 If you try to get Tylenol right now, I guess there's this huge Tylenol where they pulled it from the store shelves. 0.98

01:31:54.000 What's crazy is that I did some research on it and it seems like...

01:31:58.000 They did all these things where they went to the factories where Tylenol is made and they found...

01:32:06.000 They found bacteria inside tylenol.

01:32:08.000 They found the chemicals that were being made to make tylenol were off.

01:32:12.000 There was too much of one chemical and not enough of another chemical, so it could possibly have made kids sick.

01:32:18.000 And so they pulled off tylenol off the shelves, I guess.

01:32:22.000 But then the other day...

01:32:24.000 Christian Science Monitor.

01:32:25.000 There was this report that came out that Johnson& Johnson, the company that owns Tylenol or whatever, hired this third-party company from San Diego to act like customers and go into grocery stores and buy all this one product off the shelf.

01:32:41.000 Like they were doing a phantom recall, meaning they didn't want to tell anybody or anyone to know.

01:32:46.000 So they hired a company to go into grocery stores and to pharmacies to take this product off their shelf.

01:32:51.000 And then they got caught.

01:32:52.000 And then a month later, they recalled this other drug.

01:32:55.000 It's just like Tylenol.

01:32:57.000 I forget the name of it.

01:32:58.000 It was like another one of it, like kids Tylenol or something like that.

01:33:01.000 Something like that.

01:33:02.000 How much have you looked into this?

01:33:03.000 Seriously, it was like a half hour today.

01:33:05.000 I just read around today.

01:33:07.000 But Tylenol, Johnson& Johnson, was supposed to give over to the FDA this report about their findings and stuff like that, and they missed the deadline.

01:33:15.000 I think the deadline was yesterday or two days ago.

01:33:17.000 They missed the deadline, so something might be up with Tylenol.

01:33:20.000 So if you have any Tylenol from 2008, you might want to go check it out, throw it away, or do whatever you have to do.

01:33:25.000 There was another report I was reading that said something like there was 30 deaths related to Tylenol in the last two years, and they don't know if that's connected or not either.

01:33:32.000 So, I don't know.

01:33:34.000 Google search Tylenol recall. 0.98

01:33:36.000 There's some crazy shit going on with some Tylenol right now. 0.99

01:33:39.000 Wow. 0.97

01:33:40.000 They're saying that the pharmacist that we were at today said that there might not be Tylenol until 2011. Damn. 0.99

01:33:47.000 Who got in trouble for cyanide? 0.99

01:33:49.000 They're saying there's potential criminal charges and indictments.

01:33:52.000 Yeah.

01:33:53.000 That's what they're saying about Tylenol.

01:33:54.000 Yeah.

01:33:55.000 And it's crazy because you pay extra for Tyl.

01:33:59.000 Tyl's more expensive than the average pain reliever. 1.00

01:34:02.000 And you would think that they would have their shit together a little bit better than fucking buffering. 0.99

01:34:06.000 First Toyota, now this. 1.00

01:34:09.000 What's next? 1.00

01:34:09.000 Fucking Coca-Cola? 1.00

01:34:10.000 Can you imagine that shit? 1.00

01:34:11.000 Well, as the economy starts to fuck up, as people start to make less and less money, you're going to see more and more problems, I'm sure. 1.00

01:34:17.000 Less and less research is going to be done, less and less fail-safe measures.

01:34:22.000 Did you watch The Last Comic Standing last night?

01:34:25.000 No.

01:34:26.000 I gave up on that show a long time ago.

01:34:28.000 Was it good?

01:34:28.000 I didn't watch it, but I heard it was okay.

01:34:31.000 Wow, fucking fascinating. 0.97

01:34:34.000 Yeah, last comic standing, man. 0.99

01:34:36.000 I just don't like the fact that they make them sit in a room and do stand-up comedy for three people.

01:34:41.000 You know, that to me is just like, what?

01:34:43.000 That's how they're going to audition?

01:34:45.000 They're going to stand in front of three people and one of them is going to try to pretend that they're Simon?

01:34:48.000 Is that what happens?

01:34:49.000 One's really mean.

01:34:51.000 Is that how they do it?

01:34:52.000 If you had a tremendous migraine headache and you only had two things, Tylenol or cocaine, what would you do?

01:35:00.000 Cocaine.

01:35:01.000 Wow.

01:35:02.000 You trust cocaine that you don't even know where it came from? 1.00

01:35:04.000 Could come from some fucking greasy immigrant. 1.00

01:35:08.000 Are you going to trust cocaine over a nice American name brand like Tylenol? 1.00

01:35:12.000 So they made a few mistakes, Brian.

01:35:13.000 How many good pills did they put out, huh?

01:35:15.000 Millions and millions and millions of people all across the world have had relieved headaches because of Tylenol. 0.99

01:35:20.000 And you want to hate because they fucked up a little bit here and there? 0.99

01:35:22.000 That's deep. 1.00

01:35:24.000 Come on, man.

01:35:24.000 That's deep.

01:35:25.000 Tylenol doesn't get you laid.

01:35:27.000 Cocaine does.

01:35:28.000 Wow, you just got a good point, dude.

01:35:30.000 Yo, I got some Tylenol, baby.

01:35:31.000 If you crush up Tylenol into powder like Joey Diaz, that'll get you laid. 1.00

01:35:35.000 The girls that you can only fuck because you're giving them coke, you really shouldn't fuck them. 1.00

01:35:41.000 What, models? 1.00

01:35:42.000 No, the fucking... 1.00

01:35:43.000 People don't really want to fuck you. 1.00

01:35:45.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:35:46.000 You should only fuck the fat shits that like Tylenol. 1.00

01:35:48.000 You should only fuck girls who want to fuck you. 1.00

01:35:50.000 You shouldn't fuck girls who want to fuck you for coke. 1.00

01:35:52.000 I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do. 1.00

01:35:54.000 That's the only way you can get laid. 1.00

01:35:55.000 I understand your position.

01:35:56.000 I got cocaine or I got my personality.

01:35:58.000 Which one do you want, baby?

01:35:59.000 If you have two possibilities. 1.00

01:36:02.000 One, fucking girls who actually want to fuck you. 1.00

01:36:04.000 And two, fucking girls that you can only fuck because you give them drugs. 1.00

01:36:07.000 I would say go with number one. 1.00

01:36:08.000 Yeah.

01:36:09.000 Right?

01:36:09.000 Yeah.

01:36:10.000 Everybody wants the person who's fucking them to like to fuck them. 1.00

01:36:12.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:36:13.000 Nobody wants to be fucking some coked up chick who's just got her half an eye on the nightstand at all times looking over at that mirror while you're banging her and just wants another line. 1.00

01:36:21.000 Yeah, but what if you're annoyed with the chick? 1.00

01:36:23.000 You just want her to fuck out, but you want to drop a load first? 1.00

01:36:27.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:36:27.000 Then Coke's perfect. 1.00

01:36:28.000 Mm-hmm.

01:36:28.000 I guess, but doesn't she want more coke?

01:36:31.000 Doesn't that the thing about coke is that you can never get rid of them?

01:36:33.000 They'll be cool for like two hours.

01:36:35.000 You give them a little bit and they'll think that's enough.

01:36:38.000 You just give them the coke and tell them to leave with some coke?

01:36:40.000 You tell them you'll meet them at the club and you got more coke.

01:36:42.000 You're going to bring all the coke and meet them at the club.

01:36:44.000 Who has more aspirin stories than Joey Diaz? 1.00

01:36:48.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:36:49.000 I fucking crushed up aspirin. 1.00

01:36:51.000 Tell us a Joey story. 0.99

01:36:52.000 Let me tell you something.

01:36:53.000 There was this one time this chick was like, I just need to get a line. 1.00

01:36:56.000 I'm like, I just need to get my dick sucked. 1.00

01:36:57.000 What a coincidence. 1.00

01:36:58.000 So we're back.

01:36:59.000 Go back to my place. 1.00

01:37:00.000 I'm telling this bitch I got the best fucking coke ever. 1.00

01:37:02.000 This shit's coming straight from Pablo Escobar. 1.00

01:37:05.000 He delivered it himself. 1.00

01:37:06.000 He came over on a fucking donkey with a sombrero on and a fat bag of coke. 1.00

01:37:11.000 Hold on, honey. 1.00

01:37:12.000 I'm gonna get it.

01:37:12.000 I'll be right back.

01:37:12.000 I went to the bathroom.

01:37:13.000 I started fucking chopping up all these different pieces of vitamins, vitamin fucking B, and fucking talcum powder and shit. 1.00

01:37:21.000 I laid a couple of lines. 1.00

01:37:23.000 I stuck it in her mouth. 0.98

01:37:24.000 I shot off a load. 0.98

01:37:25.000 Before she even knew what hit her, I was gone.

01:37:27.000 You know what I'm saying, dog?

01:37:28.000 You know me.

01:37:29.000 You know how I roll, dog. 1.00

01:37:30.000 I'm like, oh shit, we gotta get out of here. 1.00

01:37:32.000 I realize the cops are coming at noon. 1.00

01:37:34.000 Run! 0.99

01:37:35.000 I got around to the fucking front. 1.00

01:37:37.000 I got in my car. 0.99

01:37:39.000 I told her, take a left at the light.

01:37:40.000 I'll meet you down the street.

01:37:41.000 I took a right. 1.00

01:37:42.000 Fuck her. 1.00

01:37:43.000 I'm gone. 1.00

01:37:44.000 I got on the freeway.

01:37:47.000 Got off the first exit. 1.00

01:37:48.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:37:49.000 I win. 1.00

01:37:51.000 Put away the whip.

01:37:53.000 Pony's dead.

01:37:54.000 Nice.

01:37:55.000 That's a good Joey story.

01:37:56.000 That was my Joey Diaz impression.

01:37:57.000 You do such a good impression.

01:37:59.000 Okay, review.

01:38:01.000 Joey Diaz.

01:38:02.000 Joey, what do you think about this whole cat piss thing? 1.00

01:38:07.000 The parasites.

01:38:08.000 Listen, that's a soft spot in my heart. 1.00

01:38:11.000 You know I got cats, you know I love them to death, but the bottom line is I'm an asshole and I live with a bunch of fucking cats. 1.00

01:38:19.000 I think he's probably got it. 1.00

01:38:21.000 Joey totally has it.

01:38:22.000 Joey brings in cats from outside.

01:38:24.000 Yeah.

01:38:24.000 He brings in like monster cats.

01:38:26.000 Like remember he was always talking about the samurai, that cat that had the big scars all over his face?

01:38:30.000 Yeah.

01:38:30.000 That's a wild tomcat.

01:38:32.000 He is one of the guys that's a grown adult that subscribes to Cat Fancy magazine that actually keeps that magazine in business, which I can't believe.

01:38:40.000 Cat Fancy still has a subscriber.

01:38:42.000 Does he really subscribe to Cat Fancy magazine?

01:38:44.000 Yeah, but then you get real magazines, like Time magazine or whatever, that are hurting because of the economy, but Cat Fancy.

01:38:49.000 I wonder if Joey would freak out.

01:38:51.000 He wouldn't watch that DVD, and I don't think he'd read that article.

01:38:54.000 You'd have to show him a documentary on the cat parasite.

01:38:58.000 There'd have to be a documentary.

01:38:59.000 Are you concerned at all about the oil spill or anything?

01:39:01.000 How does that affect your life?

01:39:02.000 Directly.

01:39:03.000 It affects me because I think it's going to be...

01:39:04.000 I meant Joey.

01:39:05.000 Oh.

01:39:06.000 Oh, thank you. 0.98

01:39:07.000 I was like, where the fuck's this coming from? 0.98

01:39:10.000 Listen, Eddie Bravo, look at me. 0.99

01:39:12.000 Do I look like a swimmer? 1.00

01:39:13.000 Do I look like I get in the fucking ocean and dodge sharks? 1.00

01:39:17.000 What am I, fucking Aquaman, cocksucker? 1.00

01:39:19.000 Listen, this is what I'm going to do. 1.00

01:39:20.000 I'm going to walk down to the weed store.

01:39:22.000 I'm going to roll a joint.

01:39:24.000 Say a prayer to the mother. 1.00

01:39:26.000 I hope they fucking clean this shit out. 1.00

01:39:27.000 If not, I guess I'm not going swimming. 1.00

01:39:33.000 What would he say? 1.00

01:39:34.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:39:34.000 I got enough problems in my own life, okay? 1.00

01:39:37.000 You think I give a fuck about a greasy pelican? 1.00

01:39:39.000 You got oil on you, you fuck. 1.00

01:39:41.000 Oh, man. 1.00

01:39:42.000 Tough shit. 1.00

01:39:43.000 Fly away, motherfucker. 1.00

01:39:44.000 You got wings. 1.00

01:39:45.000 You gonna sit there and let the oil hit you? 1.00

01:39:47.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:39:48.000 You finally got texting about six months ago. 1.00

01:39:51.000 Why are you busting my balls, Eddie Bravo? 0.99

01:39:53.000 What do you think about the iPhone and the HD camera and all that shit? 1.00

01:39:55.000 You gonna go into the iPhone now? 0.96

01:39:58.000 Do you think Joey would go into the iPhone?

01:40:01.000 I don't know.

01:40:02.000 You tell me.

01:40:02.000 He wants an iPhone back.

01:40:04.000 Listen, no, he's too old school for that.

01:40:05.000 No, he wants an iPhone.

01:40:06.000 He just got a iPhone, you know, like one of those phones that are acting like the iPhone.

01:40:10.000 He did?

01:40:11.000 Yeah.

01:40:11.000 What did he get?

01:40:12.000 A droid?

01:40:13.000 It's like Sprint iPhone.

01:40:15.000 I don't know.

01:40:15.000 Some Sprint.

01:40:16.000 Sprint.

01:40:17.000 He was supposed to be here this week.

01:40:18.000 Is Joey going to get an iPhone?

01:40:20.000 You think?

01:40:20.000 He would have.

01:40:21.000 Eddie Bravo, listen to me.

01:40:23.000 I'm old school. 0.99

01:40:24.000 I barely, barely get on that fucking thing to text. 0.99

01:40:27.000 Do you hear me? 0.99

01:40:28.000 You think I'm going to get there and we're going to fucking do apps together? 0.98

01:40:31.000 Oh, let's play Donkey Kong. 0.99

01:40:33.000 We'll fucking tether. 1.00

01:40:35.000 Come on, you can get online with my laptop through your asshole and you're going to fucking connect it with a fucking USB cable. 1.00

01:40:41.000 I don't need all this nonsense in my life. 1.00

01:40:43.000 I don't need all this aggravation.

01:40:44.000 I'm going to go to the weed store.

01:40:45.000 I'm going to roll a joint. 1.00

01:40:47.000 I'm going to walk down to the fucking weed store. 0.99

01:40:49.000 Alright, I'm not hurting nobody. 0.99

01:40:51.000 I'm not bothering nobody.

01:40:53.000 Did your weed store close?

01:40:54.000 No.

01:40:55.000 Here, never mind.

01:40:56.000 No.

01:40:56.000 Did they close them down?

01:40:58.000 They're closing a bunch because they're too close to churches, parks, or schools.

01:41:03.000 You have to be within a certain feet from a church, a park, or a school. 0.96

01:41:06.000 I don't know how many it is, but it's like a thousand or some shit. 0.98

01:41:10.000 Which is pretty far. 0.82

01:41:12.000 I checked all of my places, and none of them are closing.

01:41:14.000 How ridiculous is it that you can't be near a park?

01:41:17.000 Because that's where all the illegal dealers... 0.68

01:41:19.000 It's almost like the illegal dealers got in on the action.

01:41:22.000 That's where you buy all your weed.

01:41:23.000 I think that the people at the top of the weed movement, and especially the guys that own the most successful dispensaries...

01:41:31.000 I think they like these stores being raided and stuff. 0.97

01:41:34.000 Oh yeah, especially when guys fuck up when they're going against the regulations.

01:41:38.000 We had a conversation with Eidelman because we got our...

01:41:44.000 You alright there? 0.99

01:41:44.000 I'm just picking my balls. 0.99

01:41:45.000 Pulling your dick out, man? 1.00

01:41:45.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:41:47.000 This is radio.

01:41:48.000 The, um, uh, the, you know, the...

01:41:50.000 Balls are sweating. 1.00

01:41:51.000 The, uh, the doctor...

01:41:52.000 The Idelman went to jail for it.

01:41:53.000 And, and Idelman was talking about the November election.

01:41:56.000 And we were like, you know, if this stuff becomes legal in November, like, what are you gonna do?

01:42:00.000 You're not gonna be able to give out, you know, prescriptions anymore.

01:42:03.000 And he's like, yeah, well, it's actually kind of a dilemma for me.

01:42:06.000 I haven't really thought about that.

01:42:07.000 Wait a minute.

01:42:08.000 What are we doing?

01:42:09.000 If that guy, if weed became legal, his whole business shuts down. 0.99

01:42:12.000 What the fuck does he do then? 0.98

01:42:15.000 That's a tricky situation for a weed doctor, man. 0.99

01:42:18.000 It's going to be wild if it gets through the woo! 0.95

01:42:20.000 If it gets through in California and it becomes absolutely legal, it's going to be fucking crazy. 0.75

01:42:26.000 It's going to really change the culture here.

01:42:28.000 Because people realize how much it's changed the culture since medical marijuana became legal, but that's just the beginning, man.

01:42:34.000 When it becomes legal legal, when it becomes a personal use issue, when you just have to be over 21, you just go to the fucking corner drugstore and they're selling weed, they're selling weed everywhere, it's going to change things, man.

01:42:45.000 They're going to start selling weed at bars. 0.65

01:42:47.000 They're going to have weed smoking sections at bars, for sure. 1.00

01:42:49.000 They'll have a back patio where you can smoke weed.

01:42:52.000 It's going to be nuts, man.

01:42:53.000 When they allow you to buy a joint at a movie theater, like at the Arclight, because they have a movie theater designated with a bar.

01:43:02.000 You have to be 21 to get into this theater at the top.

01:43:04.000 They're going to have a weed theater.

01:43:07.000 But the problem is you can't even smoke cigarettes indoors because it's other people's health.

01:43:13.000 You get to choose.

01:43:14.000 But you have.

01:43:14.000 You get to choose.

01:43:16.000 You get to choose.

01:43:17.000 Yeah, but they don't let that.

01:43:18.000 They don't let that happen in California.

01:43:19.000 You can't even smoke at a bar.

01:43:21.000 It's not even an option.

01:43:22.000 You have to go to a cigar bar.

01:43:24.000 I belong to a cigar bar in Beverly Hills.

01:43:26.000 And you go there and you can smoke.

01:43:28.000 There you go.

01:43:28.000 The cigar bar.

01:43:29.000 That's the future. 0.52

01:43:30.000 Yeah, but cigar bar is like a bunch of, you know, stuffy rich dudes.

01:43:34.000 And it costs a lot of money.

01:43:36.000 It's like a thousand dollars a year.

01:43:37.000 Something like that.

01:43:38.000 Maybe more. 0.98

01:43:38.000 That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. 0.98

01:43:40.000 You take a failed cigar bar, they got the licensing for smoke, and convert it into a weed bar. 0.96

01:43:45.000 I wonder how many cigar bars there are.

01:43:47.000 There's a bunch of cigar stores that let you smoke.

01:43:49.000 Right next to the Improv, there's one.

01:43:50.000 There's vending machines everywhere.

01:43:52.000 That's what you would have, like a store that lets you smoke there.

01:43:55.000 In Canada, they got spots.

01:43:57.000 It's weird because in Canada, you can't buy the weed there if you're going to smoke, but they have places where you can smoke weed. 0.99

01:44:03.000 You've got to bring your own shit. 0.98

01:44:04.000 In Vancouver, right? 1.00

01:44:05.000 Vancouver and in Toronto.

01:44:07.000 There's places where the bottom floor is a restaurant and like a snack bar, cafe, and then you rent these rooms.

01:44:15.000 There's rooms like as big as this, giant screen TV. Xbox, PlayStation, DVDs, couches.

01:44:22.000 Well, you know who's taking us around in Vancouver?

01:44:25.000 We're going to Vancouver this weekend, by the way.

01:44:26.000 Hell yeah, we are.

01:44:27.000 And Friday night, if you want to come, I'm hanging out with Adam Skorgy, the guy who produced The Union.

01:44:34.000 And we're going to do another documentary together.

01:44:36.000 And one of the things that we're going to do is dispel a lot of the myths about people being lazy and And, you know, marijuana smokers being lazy and how much propaganda has been distributed to people about marijuana making you lazy.

01:44:49.000 And one of the things I want to do is feature your school and feature, you know, you teaching.

01:44:53.000 And how many times have you done this?

01:44:55.000 Where you teach class, you go, how many of you guys are high?

01:44:58.000 And, like, 30 dudes raise their hands.

01:45:00.000 I don't think I've taught a night class, not stoned.

01:45:05.000 Day classes, too, I go on stoned, too.

01:45:07.000 But I used to not get high for the day classes.

01:45:09.000 But night class, I mean, my classes are at 830 at night.

01:45:13.000 There's no way I'm gonna get to that class and not be stoned, you know?

01:45:16.000 Yeah.

01:45:17.000 And, you know, there was one of the things that came up in the UFC Q&A. They asked me about weed and about whether or not I think weed is an enhancer, a physical enhancement.

01:45:26.000 You know, whether or not I think that it's a performance enhancer.

01:45:30.000 And this guy said that he thinks it is.

01:45:32.000 And he was talking about him doing jujitsu.

01:45:33.000 And I said, I agree.

01:45:34.000 I think it is.

01:45:35.000 I go, I feel like when I'm stoned and I do jujitsu, I feel like I focus more.

01:45:39.000 I see it clearly.

01:45:40.000 I have more tunnel vision as to what I'm doing.

01:45:44.000 My movements are more precise.

01:45:45.000 Yeah, there's so many jujitsu players.

01:45:48.000 I mean, I'm sure in all sports it's the same thing in basketball, but jujitsu players...

01:45:51.000 Basketball's huge too, yeah.

01:45:52.000 For sure. 0.98

01:45:53.000 There's so many top jujitsu players that are stoned out of their fucking minds when they roll, including the Diaz brothers. 0.99

01:46:00.000 They admitted BJ Penn. 0.99

01:46:03.000 So many guys.

01:46:05.000 And then they say that it cuts down on your reaction time.

01:46:09.000 That's impossible.

01:46:10.000 If anything, if you're doing jujitsu and your reaction time is slowed down in any way, your jujitsu is going to suck. 0.85

01:46:17.000 Totally.

01:46:18.000 There's no way you can do anything that's going to slow your reaction time and be really good at it.

01:46:23.000 It doesn't work that way.

01:46:24.000 There's no way you could have slow reactions.

01:46:27.000 There's a reason why rappers always get high when they rap.

01:46:30.000 They're flowing.

01:46:31.000 They got a million words a minute coming out of their mouth.

01:46:33.000 There can't be any slow reaction time.

01:46:35.000 It's a myth.

01:46:37.000 There's no slowing.

01:46:38.000 It doesn't slow anything down.

01:46:40.000 It's not at all.

01:46:42.000 Are the mics on different levels?

01:46:43.000 People are complaining that the mics are on different levels.

01:46:45.000 I turned yours up.

01:46:46.000 I took yours down when you were doing the Joey Diaz because it was pulling the mics.

01:46:49.000 Oh, okay.

01:46:50.000 Yeah, dude, it doesn't slow you down at all. 0.99

01:46:52.000 People that say it does are silly.

01:46:54.000 If anything, it just puts you in a different state of mind. 0.94

01:46:58.000 It puts you in a very creative state of mind.

01:47:00.000 If it wasn't for Pod, I would say...

01:47:03.000 80% of my material would be different.

01:47:06.000 I think 80% of the things that I write, I write while I'm high.

01:47:10.000 And that's being very conservative.

01:47:12.000 Because it easily could be 90%.

01:47:14.000 It could be 90% of all the things that I write, I write under the influence of marijuana.

01:47:18.000 And I think if it wasn't for the marijuana, I think the material would be different. 0.99

01:47:22.000 It's much like that fucking cat parasite changes the way people behave. 1.00

01:47:26.000 Marijuana changes the way you behave. 1.00

01:47:28.000 But it changes it in a good way.

01:47:30.000 Sometimes.

01:47:31.000 Sometimes. 0.97

01:47:32.000 There's been many times where I've been stoned where I look back at shit I've thought or done while I was stoned. 0.99

01:47:37.000 I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? 0.99

01:47:39.000 Like what? 0.99

01:47:39.000 All the time. 0.99

01:47:40.000 Usually when it comes to like making videos or just anything.

01:47:42.000 Well, it doesn't give you great ideas.

01:47:45.000 It just gives you more of the...

01:47:47.000 Energy to do the ideas.

01:47:48.000 More ideas that you would already come up with, but you're getting them all at once and everything is supercharged and it's really fast. 0.99

01:47:54.000 It doesn't make dumb people smart. 0.89

01:47:56.000 It depends on a bunch of things. 0.97

01:47:57.000 It depends on, first of all, how high you get.

01:47:59.000 Because if you get too high, and you can get too high, everything spirals in front of you and it becomes like, it's like you have millions of dollars flying around you, but you're in the middle of a tornado and you can't grab any of it.

01:48:11.000 You know, and sometimes you get to that super paranoid super high state and like that's not manageable and you have to wait until you come down from that super high to a more manageable place then you can become creative then you sit down and write and you can keep a thought going and You say that, like, maybe sometimes Pod's made you make shitty decisions, but that's just making you take chances.

01:48:33.000 When you're sober, you know, and you go back and you look at it, you know, maybe you're just not seeing it in the way that you were seeing it then and it wasn't complete.

01:48:40.000 You know, you didn't fight complete the vision. 0.96

01:48:43.000 But look at how much cool shit you have created from Pod.

01:48:46.000 You know, I mean, Pod has been responsible for a lot of your really good editing too, don't you think? 0.98

01:48:51.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:48:53.000 I'm just saying it's not 100%.

01:48:56.000 Nothing's 100%. 0.78

01:48:58.000 But you've got to remember, you want to keep track of all the dumb ideas you come up with not stoned and then compare? 0.73

01:49:04.000 That's really how you get there. 0.97

01:49:05.000 Also, it's your state of mind, too.

01:49:07.000 It's like, how are you coming to the creative table?

01:49:10.000 Are you coming to the table tired?

01:49:11.000 Are you coming to the table in a good mood?

01:49:13.000 You know, I could have some personal issues going on.

01:49:16.000 I could have some things that are bothering me or some unfinished business that I need to get taken care of before my mind can be at peace.

01:49:21.000 And then you get high and then you don't have a good reaction.

01:49:24.000 But you could be in the best state.

01:49:26.000 And when I'm in the best state, when I'm Feeling the best and I'm the most loose and my mind feels free and I'm happy and I'm positive.

01:49:33.000 And then I get high.

01:49:33.000 Then it just feels like it all just tunes in.

01:49:36.000 Then I feel like I'm wide open to the point where there's nothing that's bothering me, nothing that's tightening me up.

01:49:42.000 So I'm wide open and loose and then the weed hits and it's just like it just washes you in this crazy energy. 0.99

01:49:48.000 It just hits you with this blast of like perception and this new way of seeing things that, you know, It sometimes can fuck you up, but I think even when it fucks you up, there's lessons in that shit. 0.99

01:49:59.000 There's lessons in why it fucked you up. 0.99

01:50:01.000 There's lessons in where your head was at when you weren't in the right place. 0.99

01:50:05.000 It needs to be fucking... 1.00

01:50:07.000 Someone needs to teach us how to do it. 1.00

01:50:08.000 That's what it is.

01:50:09.000 It's a very complicated thing.

01:50:11.000 Using any entheogens, using marijuana, using mushrooms, there should be people that are professionals that can talk people through the use of these things.

01:50:20.000 Like how you were talking last week about the Sharmans and... 0.99

01:50:22.000 Fuck yeah, man. 1.00

01:50:23.000 We need that. 1.00

01:50:24.000 We need that.

01:50:25.000 If we had that with...

01:50:27.000 I hope that's something that comes out of this whole marijuana legalization thing.

01:50:30.000 I hope, you know, marijuana therapy, therapy for people that...

01:50:34.000 You know, look, people need gambling therapy.

01:50:36.000 You don't.

01:50:36.000 I don't.

01:50:37.000 You know, we can gamble and quit and it's no big deal.

01:50:39.000 But some people get knocked up on gambling. 0.97

01:50:42.000 They get fucked up and they can't stop gambling. 0.92

01:50:44.000 And I think there needs to be a therapy for weed people too. 0.99

01:50:47.000 For some people that just get fucked up on weed. 0.94

01:50:49.000 And it's really just therapy they need. 0.98

01:50:51.000 You know, most of these addictions, like addiction to masturbation, addiction, these are all psychological addictions.

01:50:57.000 They're not physical addictions.

01:50:58.000 But they're still there.

01:50:59.000 So they're going to have to have that. 0.98

01:51:01.000 They're going to have to have therapy for people to get fucked up on weed. 0.92

01:51:03.000 You know, if we want to keep a healthy society during the transition. 0.97

01:51:07.000 But... 0.81

01:51:07.000 It's no different than therapy for guys that cheat on their wife or therapy for masturbation or therapy for anything. 0.81

01:51:13.000 It's like you just got an error.

01:51:14.000 Right?

01:51:16.000 Guys, I gotta take off.

01:51:18.000 We've been on two hours, right?

01:51:19.000 It's five o'clock on the button.

01:51:21.000 Has it been two hours?

01:51:22.000 It's perfect. 0.99

01:51:23.000 Holy shit, that was quick, man. 0.99

01:51:24.000 That's the way to do it, son. 1.00

01:51:25.000 Awesome, awesome.

01:51:26.000 We had some great conversations.

01:51:28.000 Interesting discussions, yeah. 0.94

01:51:29.000 You know, for anybody who is interested in following Brian's shit and more of Brian's stuff, go to redband.com. 0.88

01:51:39.000 For Eddie Bravo, go to 10thplanetjj.com. 0.98

01:51:43.000 What is that, bro?

01:51:44.000 I was pointing to the bottom.

01:51:46.000 Jump on the Nibiru forum.

01:51:48.000 The forum on my site's pretty cute.

01:51:50.000 It's very Joe Rogan-like.

01:51:52.000 We talk about it.

01:51:53.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:51:54.000 I'm just saying go to...

01:51:55.000 His website's on there?

01:51:56.000 No, I was just pointing to the name, Eddie Bravo.

01:51:58.000 Oh, I'm sorry. 0.99

01:51:59.000 I don't know what the fuck you're doing. 0.98

01:52:02.000 Yeah, I thought you were finding something. 0.99

01:52:04.000 And then that's me.

01:52:06.000 You're divining Rod.

01:52:07.000 Anyway, the Tenth Planet Jiu-Jitsu website is 10thplanetjj.com?

01:52:12.000 Yes. 0.90

01:52:13.000 And if they want to ask questions and shit, you got a forum. 0.98

01:52:16.000 What's the forum? 0.97

01:52:17.000 It's called the Nibiru Forum, the 10th Planet Forum.

01:52:21.000 Oh, by the way, 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu, even the name 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu, is all from the Zachariah Sitchin stories.

01:52:27.000 Yeah, the funny thing about 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu was I decided to, when I first decided to open the school, I needed a name for the school.

01:52:36.000 I needed a name for the style.

01:52:37.000 And I wanted something.

01:52:39.000 I definitely wanted something in the Sitchin world. 1.00

01:52:44.000 I was thinking Nibiru Jiu Jitsu.

01:52:46.000 I was actually thinking that.

01:52:48.000 I was like, Nibiru Jiu Jitsu, will people get that?

01:52:50.000 Something Anunnaki Jiu Jitsu or something.

01:52:52.000 And Joe goes, right when we were entering your security gate, you said, why not just 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu? 1.00

01:52:57.000 I'm like, that's stupid. 1.00

01:52:59.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:52:59.000 Something like Nibiru, Anunnaki, Sitchin Jiu Jitsu. 1.00

01:53:03.000 And I thought about it.

01:53:04.000 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu, huh? 1.00

01:53:07.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:53:08.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:53:08.000 I was like, yeah, that's it right there. 1.00

01:53:10.000 Fuck Nibiru Jiu-Jitsu. 1.00

01:53:12.000 That sounds gay. 1.00

01:53:14.000 You know, we're good friends, and so I don't necessarily talk about you too much just because, you know, I kind of take it for granted because we're good friends.

01:53:22.000 But I've done the forward to two of your books.

01:53:25.000 Hell yeah. 0.97

01:53:26.000 And we've been friends for shit like 10 years now, like strong. 0.99

01:53:29.000 And the weirdest thing about this whole Jiu-Jitsu thing is watching it back Blossom out of just hanging out when you were a purple belt and just talking about different techniques to now this nutty fucking thing where you've got affiliates all over the world and other countries and shit. 0.98

01:53:48.000 You're traveling all over the world doing seminars and teaching people all this shit. 0.99

01:53:52.000 Blew the fuck up. 0.99

01:53:53.000 It's this weird combination of stoner sensibility and open-minded, creative jiu-jitsu. 0.99

01:54:01.000 Even the fucking name is hilarious. 0.99

01:54:04.000 Tenth Planet Jiu-Jitsu. 1.00

01:54:06.000 This is like some crazy alien hybrid system.

01:54:11.000 The whole thing is in the world of martial arts. 0.87

01:54:15.000 It's very unexpected to have someone who's got this sort of silly, goofy outlook on so many different things and has got a sense of humor about so many different things and smokes weed and is always playing pranks on people. 0.64

01:54:29.000 You prank people all the time. 0.98

01:54:31.000 People don't know where's the best place to see some of those because some of them are fucking hilarious. 0.77

01:54:36.000 He's got jiu-jitsu students who pretend that they're angry Brazilians who come to fight Eddie and they come to challenge him like they're karate masters or You know, they're different things. 0.94

01:54:45.000 Sometimes he's not a Brazilian.

01:54:46.000 No, no, he was never a Brazilian.

01:54:48.000 It was always just some random guy.

01:54:48.000 But he was a Brazilian at the expo.

01:54:50.000 Yeah, now he's adding a Brazilian accent.

01:54:52.000 Oh, okay.

01:54:52.000 Now he is, but before.

01:54:53.000 But other times he's just a random karate guy.

01:54:55.000 Our friend Rahsaan.

01:54:56.000 Rahsaan Orange.

01:54:57.000 He's been like in Days of Our Lives.

01:54:58.000 Yeah, very talented, hilarious actor slash comedian.

01:55:01.000 He was tech, tech on Days of Our Lives years ago, and he's so funny.

01:55:06.000 And he trains with us at 10th Planet and they set it up all the time where he comes in and whenever there's a new person, they did it with Alan Belcher, they did it with Tim Lee, did it with a bunch of different people.

01:55:16.000 Whenever someone's there that doesn't know the gag, We got Tom Lawler with it.

01:55:20.000 Good.

01:55:21.000 We got Tom Lawler, hook, line, and sinker.

01:55:23.000 How about when you got Cecil Peoples?

01:55:25.000 Cecil Peoples. 1.00

01:55:25.000 Cecil Peoples freaked the fuck out. 1.00

01:55:27.000 Now, they get to the point where they do it so ridiculous where Eddie chokes these guys out and pretends to kill them, and then his students drag the guy off into the backyard. 0.99

01:55:35.000 I turn into a total douchebag. 0.97

01:55:37.000 I mean, the premise is Rahsaan comes in. 0.96

01:55:39.000 We give each other a wink.

01:55:41.000 He starts doing karate kata on the side.

01:55:43.000 He's disrupting the class.

01:55:44.000 And the crazy thing is I'll get the cameraman usually...

01:55:48.000 They'll be punk too.

01:55:49.000 I went up to Denny Prokopos, one of my black belts.

01:55:51.000 I went up to him a few years ago.

01:55:53.000 And when Rahsaan walked in, he never saw the Rahsaan sketches before.

01:55:57.000 So I went up to Denny.

01:55:58.000 I'm like, Denny, you got your camera on you?

01:55:59.000 And he goes, yeah, yeah, what's up, bro?

01:56:00.000 I go, get it out.

01:56:02.000 Keep the camera on this guy. 1.00

01:56:03.000 I might have to fuck this dude up. 0.99

01:56:04.000 He's like, oh, okay, okay, okay. 0.99

01:56:06.000 So he's videotaping him, and I try to sell it.

01:56:08.000 We get into an argument or a discussion for a couple minutes, so we don't want to get too crazy.

01:56:14.000 We slowly drag people into it.

01:56:16.000 We start arguing, and then we just start fighting, and then I get crazy. 0.99

01:56:19.000 I try to kill him. 1.00

01:56:20.000 I'm a total douchebag. 1.00

01:56:21.000 I actually try to kill the guy. 1.00

01:56:23.000 How about he twitches and shakes and shit and kicks his legs, and then people drag him off into the back. 1.00

01:56:28.000 We just did it at the UFC Expo in front of a lot of people. 0.99

01:56:31.000 Got it on camera.

01:56:32.000 And we got Tom Lawler and Vinny Magalash. 0.98

01:56:35.000 It was fucking hilarious, man. 0.84

01:56:37.000 What's so hilarious about it is it's completely unexpected. 0.98

01:56:40.000 How many people would think that a jiu-jitsu master would also be doing pranks?

01:56:45.000 Yeah.

01:56:45.000 Like on a regular basis, doing fighting pranks.

01:56:48.000 Most of those pranks are on my DVD, Mastering the Rubber Guard, a bunch of them.

01:56:52.000 And the original one, the original prank that I got on video was in 2000, 10 years ago, as Quatouf, when I put some black makeup on and I was a black guy, I was scaring my friends.

01:57:03.000 That's on my Mastering the Rubber Guard DVD. That was the original one.

01:57:06.000 That was before Punk'd.

01:57:08.000 And I've always had that...

01:57:10.000 In me for some reason.

01:57:11.000 Yeah, you have a very strange sense of humor.

01:57:13.000 It's like my default setting is constantly saying like inappropriate things and the wrong things and I don't know what it is.

01:57:20.000 You've been like that since I met you and that's why I try to talk you to doing stand-up and he did it for nine times.

01:57:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:57:26.000 Damn! 1.00

01:57:27.000 Stand-up is way harder than jujitsu, that's for damn sure. 1.00

01:57:30.000 No, it's not.

01:57:31.000 You have to spend a lot of time perfecting stand-up.

01:57:34.000 You can't just go up there and tell jokes.

01:57:35.000 You just forgot how hard jujitsu was in the beginning.

01:57:37.000 It's no different.

01:57:38.000 I think it's just like anything else.

01:57:40.000 To get great at anything just requires time and effort and thought and concentration and evolving.

01:57:45.000 That's all it is.

01:57:46.000 And comedy, you know, you got a bomb.

01:57:48.000 You started off terrible.

01:57:49.000 If you saw me when I first started off, if I had some video, I got some somewhere, some VHS tape of me on stage, like the 10th time I was ever on stage or something like that. 0.99

01:57:57.000 Dude, I was fucking terrible. 0.74

01:57:59.000 No one's good in the beginning. 0.99

01:58:01.000 It's like everything else.

01:58:02.000 I mean, you got good at jiu-jitsu.

01:58:03.000 You weren't good at jiu-jitsu when you first started, and think about you now.

01:58:05.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:58:07.000 I think about since when I tried stand-up for the first time, it was before I had a school.

01:58:12.000 We were hanging out at the comedy store every weekend. 0.99

01:58:14.000 I'm seeing all these guys go up and bomb, and I thought, I could do this shit. 0.99

01:58:18.000 I went up and I realized that if I put a lot of time into it, I might be able to be okay, but I was spreading myself too thin. 0.99

01:58:26.000 I had to really think about, was I going to be a comedian, a jiu-jitsu player, and a musician?

01:58:32.000 I had to figure it out, so I just decided to not pursue comedy anymore, just focus on jiu-jitsu and focus on my music.

01:58:39.000 And who knows, maybe one day, from teaching the last seven years, I think I've gotten a lot more comfortable speaking in front of people.

01:58:46.000 When before I was teaching, that was the hardest part of comedy, is getting up and talking to a crowd.

01:58:53.000 That's tough.

01:58:53.000 Well, didn't you crack jokes when you were on stage in the Viper Room?

01:58:57.000 Yeah, but you know what?

01:58:59.000 When people aren't paying for laughs, it's easier to make them laugh.

01:59:03.000 When they're paying, it seems like it's a little different.

01:59:06.000 Specifically just for laughs.

01:59:06.000 I don't have to be funny, so it's easy.

01:59:08.000 Well, coming from someone who's done it, and this is why I told you in the beginning that you could do it, it's just a matter of effort and concentration.

01:59:14.000 You have a comedian's sense of humor.

01:59:18.000 You have a comedian's mind.

01:59:19.000 Nowadays with YouTube, Eddie can make a video that's probably a million times funnier than him having to go on stage for three years just to get a joke out, you know?

01:59:27.000 Right, but it won't be stand-up comedy.

01:59:28.000 The difference is, stand-up comedy, you can actually have a bunch of people come to see you in a place and you can make a living off it. 0.98

01:59:34.000 Yeah, but he can make a living off these videos if he wanted to do the same shit. 0.98

01:59:37.000 You know what I mean? 0.94

01:59:38.000 How do you make a living off YouTube videos?

01:59:40.000 I have this really weird thing.

01:59:41.000 Are you making a living off YouTube videos?

01:59:42.000 I could if I wanted to, probably.

01:59:44.000 Really?

01:59:44.000 How much do people make off YouTube videos?

01:59:47.000 There's people that have whole careers based on YouTube videos.

01:59:49.000 Look at Tequila. 1.00

01:59:50.000 Okay, but how much money can you make off a YouTube video?

01:59:53.000 You're saying from advertising?

01:59:55.000 Or are you saying from people coming to see you live?

01:59:57.000 I'm saying back in the day, it used to be you had to get on stage and become a stand-up comic and really work to get 30 people in a room.

02:00:06.000 Where nowadays, you could take these same bits and jokes, make it into a YouTube video...

02:00:10.000 Get a billion people, and if you keep on doing that, then you could have a whole career based off either advertising, or you could have like a show on Crackle.

02:00:18.000 I mean, there's a lot of websites like Crackle that have sitcoms or TV shows, web-based series that are all based off people that did it, and they got picked up on TV shows.

02:00:26.000 Okay, I understand what you're saying. 0.60

02:00:27.000 However, what you're saying diminishes the idea of the art of stand-up comedy, and that's why it's silly.

02:00:31.000 I'm telling him that he could be an artist, a stand-up comedian.

02:00:34.000 He can go places and perform and do stand-up comedy.

02:00:37.000 What you're saying is he can instead do videos...

02:00:40.000 Well, I think a lot of stand-up people that want to be stand-up comics are now changing how they're getting their audience, you know?

02:00:48.000 Well, I definitely think people who want to be comedians are getting a lot of audience.

02:00:51.000 I mean, that Bob Burnham kid, he got a huge following from his YouTube videos.

02:00:55.000 And you could definitely, you know, get people attracted to stuff that you put online and then they want to come see you live.

02:01:00.000 But what I was saying to Eddie was that he could be an artist, a stand-up comedian as an artist.

02:01:05.000 He could do it.

02:01:06.000 He has a sense of...

02:01:07.000 He has that sense of humor.

02:01:09.000 He's got that way of looking at things. 0.98

02:01:10.000 He's always looking at the most ridiculous side of things. 0.97

02:01:12.000 Whenever there's a subject that comes up in the news, he's always looking at the most ridiculous aspect of it, like automatically. 0.92

02:01:19.000 And that's a comedian sensibility.

02:01:21.000 He's a funny guy looking for an audience, though.

02:01:24.000 Yeah.

02:01:25.000 He is, yeah.

02:01:26.000 But that's what I'm saying.

02:01:27.000 Like, stand-up comedy seems kind of diluted nowadays because I think if you're a funny guy looking for an audience, back in the day, stand-up comedy was like one of the only few options you could do because you couldn't get a TV show.

02:01:35.000 So now these people are like, hey, I'm a funny guy.

02:01:38.000 I want an audience.

02:01:38.000 I think a lot of these I think stand-up comedy is probably getting more and more diluted as more time goes on wouldn't you think?

02:01:45.000 No I disagree because I think the art of stand-up comedy to me as a patron as a person who goes to see it is still the most fun thing to see I went to see Louis C.K. the other day with Ari and I fucking loved it I had a great time I sat in the audience the other day when Aziz Anasari was working out his shit for the MTV Music Awards I was on that show and I enjoyed it I still enjoy the art of stand-up comedy in a crowd With a bunch of people there, it's funnier.

02:02:10.000 It's like the comedy club atmosphere I like. 0.98

02:02:14.000 I like sitting in a crowd.

02:02:15.000 I like drinking.

02:02:16.000 I like how everybody's laughing together.

02:02:18.000 I think that art form, to me, is insanely satisfying.

02:02:22.000 Way more satisfying than watching a video clip on YouTube.

02:02:24.000 It's not the same thing.

02:02:26.000 Haven't you said that there's barely any real stand-up comics nowadays?

02:02:31.000 How there used to be a bunch of real stand-up comics, and nowadays that number seems to be a lot smaller.

02:02:36.000 Well, it's just because there's less places to work.

02:02:38.000 I mean, in Boston, where I used to be, man, there were so many different comedy clubs in Boston and so many open mic nights that there was a real community developed around it.

02:02:46.000 But then as the economy tightened up and as a lot of these comics that were in that area moved out and the guys that had been there for a long time really didn't write any new material, the scene died out.

02:02:56.000 But if there was more comedy clubs and it was a thriving community, there'd be more comedians.

02:03:01.000 The real problem is they don't have enough places to perform.

02:03:04.000 There's not enough open mic nights.

02:03:06.000 Comedy comes and goes, man.

02:03:07.000 There's waves.

02:03:08.000 But I think right now is a very good wave for established guys.

02:03:12.000 If you look at all the guys that are around, like Louis C.K. and Chappelle, of course, Chris Rock, Dave Attell, Nick DiPaolo, Jim Norton, Patton Oswalt, of course.

02:03:26.000 He's one of my personal favorites.

02:03:28.000 And you see all these different guys that are out right now.

02:03:30.000 If you're a fan, Bill Burr, of course.

02:03:32.000 If you're a fan of stand-up comedy, there's so much good comedy going on right now.

02:03:36.000 Pablo Francisco.

02:03:37.000 Pablo Francisco.

02:03:38.000 I think this is one of the best times ever for stand-up comedy.

02:03:42.000 I think what's happened with the YouTube and the internet and MySpace and all this shit is that people have had a chance to extend their careers and make their careers penetrate further in than they would have ordinarily, not having any television shows, not having any movie credits.

02:03:57.000 Now people are getting big audiences just from stand-up comedy.

02:04:01.000 Just from using the YouTube clips.

02:04:04.000 Wouldn't you think that most stand-up comics are in it just to become actors?

02:04:08.000 No, dude.

02:04:09.000 No.

02:04:10.000 Really?

02:04:10.000 There's nothing more fun than real stand-up comedy.

02:04:13.000 I guarantee you Jim Norton is not in it to just become an actor.

02:04:16.000 I guarantee you Louis C.K. is not in it just to become an actor.

02:04:20.000 The really good guys are not.

02:04:21.000 There's so much fun in doing stand-up comedy.

02:04:24.000 That's just like a couple people compared to the thousands and thousands of people that are in it for stand-up comedy to become Well, we're talking about the best guys.

02:04:31.000 But we're talking about...

02:04:32.000 I just think that a lot of people look at the idea of doing stand-up comedy as a lot of pressure.

02:04:38.000 And that because of that pressure, they look to get off that pressure.

02:04:41.000 And that a television show is like a relief.

02:04:43.000 Like, oh, I'm free of the pressure.

02:04:44.000 Now, if the show bombs, it's not me that bombs.

02:04:47.000 It's the show.

02:04:48.000 If the bad writing was there when I got there, there's nothing I can do about it.

02:04:52.000 If I do a movie and the movie doesn't do well, but the next movie does fine, then I'm okay.

02:04:55.000 And so it becomes less responsibility on their back and a little bit easier.

02:04:59.000 And they look at it as a steady income as opposed to like something where stand-up comedy.

02:05:03.000 It's like, you know, no one's really going to be sure that people are going to come see you next week.

02:05:07.000 You know, you could only assume that you're going to continue to have an audience. 0.98

02:05:10.000 And you have to continue to produce and continue to do, you know, new sets on television, new Comedy Central specials, continue to write new material after that gets released so that people can come see you a year later and they know you got all new shit. 0.83

02:05:22.000 So there's a lot of pressure and a lot of people don't like that. 0.89

02:05:25.000 Maybe one day...

02:05:30.000 Me and Brian will get up and we'll battle.

02:05:32.000 On stage?

02:05:33.000 On stage.

02:05:34.000 Battle?

02:05:35.000 What do you mean by battle?

02:05:36.000 Why do we have to battle?

02:05:36.000 Yeah, why can't you just go up?

02:05:38.000 How about this?

02:05:38.000 How about we do a 10th Planet show and Joey will host and you guys will go up.

02:05:43.000 Oh yeah, that seems fair.

02:05:44.000 If we're in a battle.

02:05:45.000 No, we don't have to battle.

02:05:47.000 I didn't mean battle, battle.

02:05:48.000 We just go up and...

02:05:49.000 What I'm saying is do a 10th Planet show.

02:05:51.000 Joey goes up and hosts, brings Ari up, brings one of you guys up for five or ten minutes, whatever you're comfortable with, brings the other guy up, and then I'll go up.

02:06:00.000 I'll do a show.

02:06:02.000 I could do five minutes.

02:06:03.000 Yeah, I think you both could do five minutes. 0.98

02:06:05.000 Brian fucking killed it in Atlanta when he hadn't done comedy in years. 0.95

02:06:10.000 And he got talked to doing it during a nighttime show filled with UFC fans. 1.00

02:06:15.000 Oh, all fucking hammered on a Friday night. 0.98

02:06:17.000 So I was sold out. 0.99

02:06:19.000 You were good.

02:06:19.000 He killed.

02:06:20.000 Not only did he do good, he went into the abyss and pulled himself out of the flames.

02:06:24.000 He did good in the beginning. 0.97

02:06:26.000 And then he did a couple of jokes in a row that tanked and you were starting to fucking freak out. 0.92

02:06:31.000 And you kept it together. 0.94

02:06:33.000 I started doing it a lot, and I did a whole bunch.

02:06:36.000 I started doing it almost every week, a few times a week, but I got to a point where I just didn't have it in me.

02:06:42.000 You really have to give up your life to be a stand-up coach.

02:06:45.000 Well, you know what, dude?

02:06:46.000 Here's the thing, man.

02:06:47.000 You don't have to have it in you, but just because you don't have it in you doesn't mean that the art form isn't something that people should pursue if they want to be a comedian.

02:06:54.000 What you're saying, though, is that, I mean, as a comedian, I mean, I know you're not trying to offend me, but as a comedian, it's kind of offensive because you're saying that, like, somehow or another that someone, if they wanted to, should just go and do YouTube clips now and not become a stand-up comedian because it's too difficult.

02:07:09.000 No, I'm saying that if you are a stand-up comic, nowadays it seems like YouTube would make a lot more sense.

02:07:15.000 It's like Baba Booey and Howard Stern.

02:07:17.000 You know what I mean?

02:07:18.000 I just don't understand your point.

02:07:20.000 To be an artist, as a stand-up comedian, to be a real comic, you have to do it in front of an audience.

02:07:24.000 It's the only art form where you must have an audience to practice.

02:07:27.000 If you do not have an audience to practice, it's not going to be good.

02:07:30.000 Because you don't have immediate response of people laughing at you, whether you know whether or not it's funny.

02:07:34.000 Why?

02:07:34.000 We have immediate response right now.

02:07:35.000 You don't, though.

02:07:36.000 You're not hearing these people laugh. 1.00

02:07:37.000 I don't hear shit. 0.99

02:07:38.000 You just have people staring at you and texting things. 0.97

02:07:40.000 You don't get the same kind of direct, immediate, tangible response that you get when you're going on stage, where you know what various aspects of a joke are funny, how the transitions work.

02:07:49.000 You hear yourself in the recordings and you know this part sounded false or this part had too many words.

02:07:55.000 And it's an art form just piecing it all together and performing it in front of a live crowd.

02:07:58.000 But when you nail it, dude, When you're on stage and you fucking nail a joke where the audience is dying, and you're like, they're dying now, and I got like five more levels to this joke. 0.95

02:08:10.000 This joke, like, I'm hitting them now, and I'm like, I got some shit coming up after this I can't wait to get to. 0.96

02:08:15.000 Because I know if you think this is funny, this next part is my favorite part, and then boom, boom, boom, and it piles on. 0.95

02:08:21.000 There's nothing like that that you're ever going to get off YouTube.

02:08:24.000 You're not going to get that feeling.

02:08:26.000 You're not going to get that sort of a response from the people.

02:08:28.000 And as an audience member, you're not going to get something that's that much fun.

02:08:32.000 There's nothing to me more fun still after doing comedy for 20 years.

02:08:36.000 There's nothing more fun than watching comedy.

02:08:38.000 It's the best, man. 0.98

02:08:39.000 It's so much fucking fun. 0.88

02:08:41.000 It's, to me, the most fun art form, and that's why I'm a comedian. 0.96

02:08:44.000 What I was trying to say is that Eddie could have done that, too.

02:08:47.000 The only difference between me and him is that he had other things he was focusing on, and he went and pursued those.

02:08:53.000 But if he didn't, if he wasn't thinking about pursuing a career in jiu-jitsu, and wasn't thinking about pursuing a career in music, and had the kind of time that I had, When I started out doing comedy, for sure you would be just as successful as me.

02:09:04.000 For sure you'd be able to do everything that I'm doing.

02:09:06.000 It's true.

02:09:07.000 You'd be able to do everything that I did.

02:09:09.000 Everything.

02:09:10.000 It's not hard.

02:09:11.000 It's just a matter of focus. 0.98

02:09:12.000 And if you're an honest person and you evolve and you're objective and you look at your shit and you keep working at it, that's all it is. 0.99

02:09:18.000 Maybe one day I'll call it. 0.99

02:09:21.000 If you don't have the sense of humor, if you don't have the mind for comedy, the type of person who looks at things and goes, everybody else is agreeing, and you go, wait a minute, what the fuck is that? 0.98

02:09:29.000 That's how I was my whole life, and that's how you are.

02:09:31.000 And Brian, you are to a certain extent, too.

02:09:33.000 I mean, you have a different sense of humor than I do, and Eddie has a different sense of humor than you, and we're all different.

02:09:38.000 But we all have the same thing.

02:09:40.000 Where Brian, like, your sense, when it comes to technology, you're always doing this.

02:09:44.000 Someone will bring up a point, and you'll always be like, what?

02:09:47.000 No.

02:09:48.000 Everybody just thinks that because this, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

02:09:50.000 You'll go against the grain right away and pick out the flaws.

02:09:53.000 That's the idea, that's the mind of a stand-up comic. 0.99

02:09:55.000 The person who stands up, the person whose function in society is to stand up and look at things, besides being funny, stand up and look at things and goes, what the fuck is this? 0.98

02:10:03.000 That's what the comic does. 0.99

02:10:04.000 The comic looks at something and goes, what the fuck is this? 0.98

02:10:07.000 When everybody else just takes it for granted. 0.97

02:10:08.000 There's a lot of comics out there that just never become comics.

02:10:11.000 That's what I'm trying to say.

02:10:12.000 There's guys that work in gas stations that could be one of the funniest guys that have ever walked the face of the earth.

02:10:18.000 Just no one ever talked them into getting on stage.

02:10:20.000 They never directed their life in that order.

02:10:22.000 They never had the discipline to follow through.

02:10:23.000 You know, there's so many people like that that I met out there. 0.97

02:10:26.000 My friend Johnny B, my friend who was a pool player that died, that guy could have been one of the funniest fucking comedians that ever lived. 0.99

02:10:32.000 That dude could read human nature, knew when people were full of shit, knew what people's insecurities and weaknesses were, and always knew the funniest shit to say at any given moment. 0.98

02:10:42.000 There's a lot of people like that out there, and that's what a stand-up comic is. 0.99

02:10:45.000 You both are.

02:10:46.000 You both could do it.

02:10:47.000 Thank you very much, man. 1.00

02:10:49.000 This fucking show's over, bitches. 1.00

02:10:51.000 It's 519. Oh, yes. 1.00

02:10:53.000 Thank you for sponsoring us, Fleshlight. 1.00

02:10:56.000 Please, don't be a pussy. 1.00

02:10:58.000 If you are a pussy and you want to live your life just pretending you don't masturbate or pretending that it's something shameful about getting pleasure on your dick, then don't order the Fleshlight. 1.00

02:11:07.000 But everybody else, go order one of those things and fuck the shit out of it. 1.00

02:11:10.000 It's awesome. 1.00

02:11:12.000 Redband.com for my friend Brian Reichel.

02:11:15.000 TenthPlanetJJ.com.

02:11:17.000 If you're in Hollywood and you want to get some jujitsu instruction plus some weed shamanism, there's no better place to go than Legends in Hollywood.

02:11:26.000 What's the number there?

02:11:27.000 TenthPlanetJJJ.

02:11:28.000 Hollywood located inside Legends MMA. 5176 Santa Monica Boulevard.

02:11:36.000 And to find you online, you can go to Twitter.

02:11:39.000 It's Eddie Bravo.

02:11:41.000 It's up there on the screen if you're a Ustream guy.

02:11:43.000 E-D-D-I-E-B-R-A-V-O. Thank you very much, everybody.

02:11:47.000 We love you, bitches. 1.00

02:11:48.000 We love doing this. 1.00

02:11:49.000 This is a fun fucking show. 0.99

02:11:51.000 I'm excited that we've continued to do this every day, or every week, rather, all year. 0.99

02:11:56.000 And we're going to keep going.

02:11:58.000 And as long as we have cool friends, it's going to keep being fun.

02:12:01.000 Eddie Bravo, Brian Redman.

02:12:02.000 And what about next week?

02:12:03.000 Joey Diaz.

02:12:04.000 Next week, Joey Coco Diaz.

02:12:05.000 Hopefully, nothing crazy comes up.

02:12:08.000 The Colombian knocked on my door. 0.96

02:12:09.000 I had to go on an adventure.

02:12:12.000 It's the cat virus, Joe. 1.00

02:12:14.000 It's that fucking cat virus, cocksucker. 1.00

02:12:16.000 I can't concentrate. 1.00

02:12:17.000 My feet stink.

02:12:19.000 Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of this week, and we will see you next week.

02:12:22.000 Thank you.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 08, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #24 - Eddie Bravo

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript