MadFlavor and Joe Diaz talk about the new butthole version of the Fleshlight, fish in the bucket, and Lupe vs. Lupe. Also, we talk about why Lupe should be Puerto Rican and why someone should be a vampire. And we discuss the latest and greatest in masturbation technology! We are sponsored by The Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link below, you get a discount on your first purchase of the $99.99 product. You can also get a copy of the private collection from The Private Collection, which includes Lupe's private collection of the 70's and 80's porn star, Lupe! They have a new porn star version of Lupe that looks like a vampire chick, so you can pretend you can get a midget chick too! And I wonder if they have an Avatar chick too? They should have a little girl that looks totally like a vampi girl so she can pretend she's a vampire too. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm pretty sure she's not a vampire, but she's pretty good looking. And she does have a nice ass. We also talk about what we would like to see in a Puerto Rican version of a female porn star. I mean, a real Puerto Rican Puerto Rican chick. Why can't she be a little bigger than a regular Puerto Rican girl? I mean really tall, but not like a normal Puerto Rican? We talk about that? Let me know what you think about Lupe and I'll talk about it on the next episode of the Ustream Podcast! - Brian and Joe talk about this on this episode of Ustream! XOXO, Brian and Joey - Ustream. - Day 25 - Episode 25 - The Motherfucking House - The Vaginal Version of the Butthole Version of The Buttholite - The Pussy Collection - The Pinky Collection - The Real Lupe Collection - Lupe is a little too tall for a regular chick? - and she doesn't have a big dick, but that's what we're going to do with it. XO - the new Fleshlight - We're getting crazy, baby! Brian and I are getting crazy with this one, man, we're getting Cute, man. Brian & Joe - I'm getting crazy!
00:03:38.000They swear to God, they have fangs and the tube that goes down that, you know, rubs against your dick has like fangs on the tube or something like that.
00:07:13.000I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking half of fruitcakes look like, and I can't believe they're vampires.
00:07:18.000In my day, vampires were bad motherfucking Barnabas Collins.
00:10:18.000Benny Hill would show you an ass cheat or something, and they wouldn't catch it on Channel 9 in those days, so it got away with murder, you know what I'm saying?
00:10:25.000Benny Hill was the first guy to have a real silly show like that with him chasing after girls.
00:14:04.000Brody Stevens should be a national headliner.
00:14:07.000He should be fucking killing it all over the country.
00:14:10.000People should be buying tickets to see him in advance and looking forward to it and getting fired up that Brody's in town.
00:14:16.000But you know what the weird thing about Brody Stevens is I almost don't want him to get that famous because I love just watching Chelsea lately and seeing miscellaneous parts in the movie The Hangover and stuff like that.
00:16:02.000I would not want to be in the car with you reckless driving if I was high.
00:16:05.000That's the night he stopped the show because there was a bunch of head shots on the wall, and he stopped the show because there was no Jews on the wall.
00:16:27.000The show starts at 8 o'clock at night or something like that, and Brody would be on after 1 a.m., like 1.45 or something like that he'd go on.
00:16:33.000And he would just start playing the drums.
00:16:35.000He would pull chairs up and pull out his drumsticks and start playing the drums and just start ad-libbing and fucking around.
00:16:41.000And before you know it, you had a fucking show.
00:16:52.000Giving you those little tiny-ass crowds.
00:16:54.000Those tiny-ass crowds where there was no one in the audience and people were barely paying attention, but every now and then someone would go up and just do something magical in that zero crowd.
00:17:49.000And he fucking cranks War Pig, and Joey fucking sings along, takes his shirt off, and screaming into the microphone on key with every lyric, and the place goes fucking bananas.
00:19:27.000That's one thing I give the comedy store that I'll never take away from the comedy store.
00:19:30.000I never hit magical moments like that at another club.
00:19:34.000The original room and the main room, but emphasis on the original room after midnight.
00:19:39.000See, a lot of comics you'll talk to and they'll go, I'm getting 12, 15 spots.
00:19:42.000Little do you know, for a guy like me, a 12, 15 spot is a gold because I go in there and do what the fuck I want to do, which is really what comedy really is in a way.
00:22:39.000You know, Dangerfields is not where you're going to meet your manager or your agent.
00:22:42.000It's this weird little club that only the comics like.
00:22:45.000Because in a place like the Comedy Store, the good thing about, like, a lot of people are like, oh, industry won't come to the Comedy Store.
00:22:51.000I'm like, well, you don't get this kind of a club, this kind of an atmosphere if the agencies want to come here.
00:22:58.000They don't want to come to this kind of place.
00:23:00.000They want to come to the kind of place where they're taken care of, it's very professional, and the manager takes care of their tab and seats them and shakes their hand and kisses their ass.
00:23:08.000The Comedy Store never gave a fuck about the agents.
00:25:28.000I wonder if she's thinking back to what she ate that night, like, I gotta eat the same food every day, and she's been eating bologna sandwiches for the last 20 years.
00:25:35.000It's hard to talk shit about anybody who's not funny because nobody's funny in the beginning.
00:25:39.000It's like, how come some people figure out how to be funny and some people don't?
00:26:40.000He was a giant, crazy Dexter fan and wound up committing a murder and getting caught for it.
00:26:44.000I do feel, like, after watching that show so much that I find myself doing things like, you know, like, I'm always thinking twice, like, what would my dad do, you know?
00:26:54.000I'm like, wait a second, I'm just getting the mail.
00:26:58.000When you watch ten episodes of The Fucking Wild, I have one shot stone.
00:27:02.000That's got to be psychological damage.
00:27:31.000Well, you know, I tell you what, that whole Schmitz third season, whatever his name is, Jimmy Schmitz or whatever his name is, I thought that was the worst season.
00:27:55.000I didn't buy him when he lost all that muscle.
00:27:57.000I mean, I know it sounds silly, but I'm like, you're jujitsu-ing people, and you look like a skinny...
00:28:02.000See, I never even thought he had muscle to begin with.
00:28:05.000If you look at the first one, you know what it looks like to me?
00:28:08.000There's dudes that you go to jiu-jitsu with, and you see them, and they're like purple belts or something like that, and you look at them, and you're like, this fucking guy's going to be a pain in the ass.
00:28:15.000It's going to be hard to roll with this guy.
00:28:16.000He's got like a big neck, strong shoulders, and this is going to be a battle.
00:28:32.000Yeah, but maybe that's why they picked Jonathan Lithgow, because they're like, oh, anyone can beat him.
00:28:36.000Well, see, here's my problem, and this is, I mean, granted, I'm a commentator for fucking cage fighting, but when John Lithgow got her in that weak-ass rear-naked choke, I was like, what the?
00:29:06.000And she was pawing at it and I had to hold her down and get it out of her nose.
00:29:10.000And dude, she's fucking 30 pounds and she's screaming and freaking and kicking and I can barely get a hold of her nose and hold her little tiny head to pull this thing out.
00:29:21.000John Lithgow's got some woman, a grown-ass woman, who knows some crazy man's about to fuck her dead body.
00:29:28.000And she's just gonna go, oh my god, you're putting me to sleep.
00:29:57.000It's so funny, because while I'm watching it, John Lithgow doing these moves and stuff, I'm thinking of you watching this, and I'm like, oh, you know Joseph's getting pissed right now.
00:30:06.000But what's so funny is that you get so mad about just the choke, that to me, I'm like, alright, I'll buy the choke, but I can't buy that fucking cell phone.
00:30:13.000It looks like it was made in paintbrush.
00:30:30.000To me, that scene where he kills that woman in the tub is just as unrealistic as Spock grabbing people by the neck and putting them to sleep.
00:30:37.000That's just like a ninja death touch to me.
00:30:40.000People freak the fuck out when you're choking them.
00:30:43.000They hyperventilate, they kick, they spaz.
00:30:47.000That's made by someone who's never seen anybody get choked, and the guy who's doing it's never choked anybody.
00:30:53.000And there was no consultant on the set.
00:30:55.000They should have been freaking the fuck out.
00:30:57.000You don't just choke someone like that.
00:31:08.000You'd be fighting for your life at that point.
00:31:10.000I would be more believable that he would move his blood samples out of the air conditioning unit after the first, second, third, or fourth time.
00:31:17.000See, I'm thinking more of shit like that.
00:31:18.000I'm like, come on, you take your fucking blood samples and you put it underneath the toilet or something.
00:39:10.000The premise is absolutely, completely ridiculous.
00:39:13.000It would have been way better if it was a grown woman in her 20s or 30s or something, gets divorced, branches out of her own, meets a vampire, falls in love.
00:42:26.000Someone will put up a Goatsy and attach it somehow with tags, and it will be on Google Images, and he'll hack his way to the first position.
00:42:57.000Now, the picture is fucking vagina, whatever her name is, Miley Cyrus' vagina, and people are, like, saying, you know, that's child porn, she's 17, and stuff like that.
00:43:07.000So then, there was, like, this whole movement showing the other pictures from that day, like, you know, minutes or seconds before, and it shows her having underwear on.
00:43:16.000Now, Perez went on his website saying today, hey, that's not a real picture, blah, blah, blah, it's been photoshopped, blah, blah, blah.
00:43:25.000But then you go to what would Tyler Durden do, www.tdd.com, and there's pictures of her from the same shoot where it doesn't show the underwear.
00:43:32.000Like, you can't see the underwear anymore.
00:43:34.000So you think the underwear was photoshopped on?
00:43:36.000So now it's doing that whole shit when Britney Spears people did this too.
00:43:39.000They're fucking putting fake photos out to cover up fake or real photos.
00:43:43.000Right, so that Snopes or something grabs it and looks at it and goes, oh, here's her.
00:44:03.000Well, that's why, on the board, the mods have pulled pictures down many times, where it was girls that even just looked like they were under 18. You know, because you don't want to get caught with that kind of shit, man.
00:44:14.000That's some serious, serious, serious shit.
00:44:16.000Even just, like, a fake picture of a young girl's pussy can get you locked up.
00:44:21.000You know, you can get in a lot of problems.
00:47:11.000I think every person at one point in their life needs to get their ass kicked.
00:47:15.000You know, I get my ass kicked all the time in jujitsu, and I think that is very good for you.
00:47:20.000It's very humbling to get your ass kicked.
00:47:22.000And when dudes have never experienced the frustration and anger of another dude on them, taken out in a physical form, if you've never experienced that, you're going to talk a lot of stupid shit.
00:47:32.000You know, you're going to get mean to people for no reason.
00:47:34.000You're not going to be civil when you can be.
00:47:36.000You have the option to be a nice person.
00:47:47.000If no one's around and they find you and you've been mean to people for no fucking reason, talk shit on someone's kid, they might kick you in the dick.
00:47:54.000Or they're going to cover their whole kitchen with plastic and when he's going inside the kitchen, he's going to come up from behind him with a syringe into the neck and he's going to wake up covered up in Well, you know, he's part of that movement, dog.
00:48:04.000That fucking guy is part of that movement where they say shit to you, and they think they're cool, and then when you smack them, they down 9-1-1.
00:48:11.000That's 90% of these motherfuckers now.
00:48:59.000But what kills me is if you're going to be a tough guy, come out of the fucking internet.
00:49:03.000There's a million tough guys on the internet.
00:49:05.000There's a million fucking tough guys on the internet, and when you tell them to go fuck their mother in the ass, then you never hear from them again.
00:49:39.000I was in Vancouver for the UFC. And apparently, I got in an elevator with some dude.
00:49:45.000And the dude didn't say hi to me or nothing, but he said I gave him this look like I didn't like him or like a, you know, like back the fuck off look.
00:49:54.000And then he says that he said, take care guys, and then we said nothing.
00:49:58.000And then he left the elevator like, wow, Joe Rogan's a fucking asshole.
00:50:01.000So he goes online and makes this whole thread about me being in an elevator with him, and no conversation taking place at all, but me being this asshole.
00:50:18.000And I'm like, if I saw you, if you said something to me, anything, if you said, you know, take care, I would have definitely said, you too, man.
00:54:28.000So, this guy, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?
00:54:30.000And I'm like going, somehow he has a connection with Opie and Anthony, not really sure how yet.
00:54:34.000But then I go through it, and he has this fucking envelope where it has his full address.
00:54:38.000And so, Dexter style, I googled his address, fucking took a picture of his house, and on another Twitter account, sent it to him, and goes, that's a very rude thing to say.
00:54:47.000Now he deleted all those posts and stuff like that.
00:55:12.000But I'm really interested to find out what his connection to the Open Anthony show is because he has all these shots from in the studio with Jim Norton, blah, blah, blah.
00:55:28.000So this guy, I got on afterwards, and he goes back and forth and starts bringing up a video of me being an asshole to some guy from like nine years ago.
00:56:24.000It doesn't feel good to hear people say you suck and to hear people call you a piece of shit and criticize you, but it's good because when you realize that you're having a negative effect on people, it makes you think, what is this effect that I'm not seeing?
00:56:37.000I'm thinking I'm doing the right thing.
00:56:53.000I think it sucks to admit that we all have little issues, but being criticized, especially online, I think it accelerates your social development.
00:57:02.000Because it makes you a little bit more aware of what a bunch of anonymous people really, truly feel about what you say.
00:57:07.000You don't get that too much in real life.
00:57:10.000In real life, there's a lot of people that, especially until the internet came around, they could bullshit their way through.
00:57:16.000You could bullshit your way and charm people, but you can't fucking charm anonymous douchebags on the internet.
00:57:21.000Anonymous douchebags on the internet will go, fuck you, you fucking hack, you suck.
00:58:11.000I had a joke about cloning because there was a group called the Second Coming Project.
00:58:16.000In the Second Coming Project, they were going to take some DNA from the Shroud of Turin or some other religious artifacts and try to clone Jesus.
00:58:24.000And they thought that that would be the bringing back of the Messiah.
00:59:23.000I thought it was really funny about it.
00:59:25.000She said, not only did he tell this horrible joke, but when the audience didn't respond, he insisted on talking about the same subject instead of moving on.
00:59:36.000She was upset that I wouldn't move on.
00:59:39.000Her version of comedy is you got to do what the audience wants.
00:59:42.000You're not supposed to be coming from your own head.
01:00:06.000Well, it's also a person who's very self-righteous because she thinks that she can get away with telling people what to say and what not to say.
01:01:13.000Oh, what I wanted to talk about while we were talking about the whole Jesus thing that I almost forgot was that giant fucking statue in Columbus.
01:02:02.000Doesn't that say in the Bible that he'd rather have you do it under a tree than break wood or something like that to make a church or something like that?
01:04:23.000We assume it came from some wise people that got through a lot of conflict and figured out some way to live life, and then they wrote it down, and some of it makes a lot of sense even today.
01:04:32.000But when the book that you're basing everything on includes treating women as second-class citizens...
01:04:38.000Condoning slavery, murder, a fucking angry god who punishes people by death, and you're going to burn in a fucking fiery hell.
01:10:06.000And if you didn't do your work right or you didn't listen to her or anything was wrong, she would tell you she was going to make you sit on a nail in the closet.
01:10:13.000It was like a fucking Pink Floyd video.
01:10:16.000Is that just East Coast religion or something like that?
01:10:18.000Because you guys both have crazy scary...
01:10:50.000I was going to go back and talk to them, but the school was done.
01:10:53.000It's in Connery, New Jersey, and I was there one time, and I was going to go over there and just talk to them, but that school was closed up.
01:10:59.000When I got older and I started hearing stories about kids getting molested, I get fucking angry.
01:12:12.000This fucking thing that's going on with the Pope, we've talked about it already on the show, but for people who don't know, the guy who's the Pope right now has been accused, and there's all this evidence that points to the fact that he was shielding child molesters.
01:12:28.000This guy, who's the Pope, he was protecting the church and shielding known child molesters and then putting them back in action around other kids that the guy went on to molest again.
01:12:39.000There's people that are calling for that guy to be arrested for crimes against humanity.
01:12:43.000Christopher Hitchens is called for people to arrest him and charge him with pedophilia or charge him with child rape or child endangerment.
01:13:16.000But don't put them in the witness relocation plan for priests and ship them up to Albany and two years from now, you got another motor station.
01:13:22.000Then they ship them across the world to Philippines.
01:13:25.000Then they're at home and when they do something there, they ship them to Germany.
01:15:16.000Look, dude, if you had a choice between hanging out with an old nun or hanging out with an old porn star, who are you going to hang out with?
01:15:41.000It's just an unfortunate choice to waste your whole life in a non-loving, non-friendship-oriented sort of a situation like that based on a bunch of fucking silly, crazy old rules.
01:15:53.000We need to, as a human being, the human beings as a race, we have to, as a race, get past where we're at right now and move into some new way of designing the way human beings behave and act.
01:16:04.000And it can't be based on some nonsense.
01:16:06.000It has to be based on just positive energy and success.
01:16:09.000Success as a race, success as a neighborhood, success as a group of friends.
01:16:14.000There's a way to be positive and there's a way to...
01:16:16.000Figure out a way to spread the most positive energy and the way to be the most honest, the way to be the most creative and the most friendly and the most productive and the most satisfied.
01:16:25.000There's a way to do that and it's not through religion.
01:17:08.000When you get to like 130-something thousand people and you say something funny or say something interesting, you throw up something, I'll get like 100, 250, crazy.
01:17:20.000If it's a crazy one, it might be a couple hundred.
01:20:19.000And when you're eating this stuff that tastes sweet, and it's not really sweet, and it doesn't have any calories, what the fuck is really going on?
01:23:12.000So what I propose, ladies and gentlemen, is you go to fleshlight.com, you get one of these things, and you fuck it.
01:23:16.000You've got to get past the embarrassment.
01:23:18.000And I tell you from personal experience, because I knew about this shit, I'd heard about it on TV ads, not on TV ads, I heard about it on the internet.
01:23:25.000I heard about people talking about, oh, Eddie Bravo told me his fleshlight story before.
01:27:27.000My dad's the one that first told me, though, about Splenda, like, seven years ago, about all the bad shit about it, when people were just getting on Splenda.
01:27:33.000He was, like, sending me reports about how the brain, like, things that's like sugar, and, like, this is seven years ago he was sending me this shit.
01:27:45.000Any of those chemicals tricks the brain into thinking it's sugar, so it does the shit that it does to burn off the sugar, but it's not there, so I guess it has a lot of bad negative side effects.
01:30:10.000There was a Microsoft thing that they were working on that was, like, it was a motion detective thing that we're going to be able to do with martial arts games.
01:30:36.000remember when they had those when they were trying to do that for a while the virtual reality that was like a big thing that someday we're going to be able to put a helmet on I don't even know if it's going to be like that when I was in Vegas I was talking to all these there was a tech conference going on there and this guy I know from San Francisco owns this whole company and he was telling me about what was big in the tech shows and he says you know the big thing that's going to be next he's like porn is kind of at a dead right now with no DVDs we talked about this three big porn
01:31:06.000right right so 3D porn he says some of the technology he's like that's going to be big where you can just lay in bed with no pants on and you feel like the legs are wrapping around you and you're fucking sitting there with your fleshlight on and you're immersed into it like a helmet he's like that's what's going to be big He said the TVs weren't even that impressive.
01:31:25.000He said what was impressive this year at this convention was the digital projection 3Ds.
01:31:36.000Imagine having this whole wall behind you be 3D. You're just fucking sitting there in this chair over here and you feel like you are in Lord of the Rings or whatever.
01:31:44.000Yeah, you've got to think the next thing is going to be way more immersive.
01:31:46.000Every step is more and more immersive.
01:31:48.000The TV is going to be a wall and it's probably going to be 3D. When it moves past the flat plane, that's when it's going to get really crazy.
01:31:54.000When somehow or another they figure out a way to bring you more into the action.
01:31:57.000Some invention that allows you to be, like a virtual reality type of situation when you watch movies.
01:32:02.000Well, the guy said at that convention they had a 40-inch TV that didn't require glasses.
01:32:08.000But he said he saw, just looking at it, how...
01:32:12.000Eventually, it's going to be huge, and it's going to be 3D, so it's going to add a depth.
01:32:15.000So you walk into your room, you could have a picture on the wall of this long hallway, and you're going to feel like that's a long hallway in your room.
01:32:21.000There was a thing I went to at the Planetarium the other day.
01:32:24.000It was one of those science shows where you lie on your back, and they take you on a tour of all the different astrological configurations in the sky and constellations and stuff.
01:32:32.000And so they were taking you on this tour and all this different shit and space and everything, and I was like...
01:35:34.000What were some of the fakes that you've called in the past?
01:35:36.000You've called quite a few fakes where you were way ahead of the curve.
01:35:39.000Well, there was one that there was like this really horrible fight and somebody had filmed it and it looked like the dude was punching the guy.
01:35:47.000That fight, see, I think they added sound effects to a real fight.
01:35:50.000They totally added sound effects to a real fight and it looked really bad because it was the same noise over again.
01:36:26.000I don't know if you guys have ever seen this.
01:36:28.000America's Funniest Home Videos don't do it as much, but any of those send-in-your-video type shows, if you really pay attention, they don't want to pay people and stuff like that for certain things.
01:36:39.000Most of the voices are all done by the same guy.
01:36:41.000It's like, hey, honey, come over here and look at this.
01:36:43.000Then you hear the same guy two videos later go, uh-oh, honey, look out.
01:36:47.000And then you realize it's just one dude and it ruins the whole show for you.
01:36:51.000So next time you watch one of these video shows, listen to the voices.
01:36:54.000It's just one guy redoing all these voices.
01:37:29.000Carlos Condit rocked him on the button, and he was coming forward.
01:37:32.000I mean, no one takes good shots when they're coming forward.
01:37:35.000You know, when you're coming forward, that's when you can get hurt.
01:37:37.000And, you know, they had a rock-em-sock-em-roblocks fight, and then Carlos Condit pulled it out at the end, got him down, and just started blasting him with elbows, man.
01:38:13.000And he's like one of the first guys, being 20 years old, he's one of the first guys that started out training MMA. That started out as a wrestler or a kickboxer or whatever.
01:38:20.000He started out learning the whole sport all together as one thing.
01:38:23.000So it's pretty impressive to watch that.
01:40:50.000He might be saying that now because it was a lot of stress, but he'll get fired up and get back in there again because it was one of his best performances in a long time.
01:40:56.000He looked real good, especially in that third round.
01:40:58.000You know, when he had Barry backed up and he was nailing him with punches, he was looking sharp, dude.
01:41:03.000He was nailing him with some fucking hands, you know?
01:43:06.000So you gotta get stuck in there and take your beating.
01:43:08.000So Chuck's on top of him, just fucking punched him in the face.
01:43:11.000I mean, it was a bare knuckle, old school, no rules war.
01:43:14.000I mean, this is the kind of fight that that guy was involved in.
01:43:17.000He wasn't just involved in, like, the UFC five rounds, you know, for the championship title, five-minute rounds, Nevada State Athletic Commission presides over it.
01:44:26.000It's just the last few guys that he fought, he's a step below, you know?
01:44:30.000I mean, he's a step behind where he used to be.
01:44:32.000If he was fighting lower-level competition, like, say, if they put Chuck against, say, some of the guys that fight at 205 on the Ultimate Fighter or some guys that are, like, lower-level guys that don't have the kind of stand-up that he has, he'd be fucking a lot of dudes up.
01:44:43.000Do you think, though, that his brain just wants to go to sleep, though?
01:44:46.000It knows that, like, hey, I know what a knockout is now.
01:45:55.000But to get in there with Chuck, and Chuck blasts him into orbit with one punch, it's like, the way he could knock dudes out, there was very, very few human beings that could stand in front of that guy when he blasts.
01:46:07.000Like a lot of guys who have a very particular style, once your reflexes start to go a little bit, once you've taken too much punishment, you don't have other ways to win.
01:46:18.000The more ways you have to win, the more unpredictable you are, the more successful you're going to be.
01:46:23.000So a guy like GSP, he doesn't even hardly get hurt.
01:46:25.000He got hurt by Matt Serra, but he got clipped, and he says he took Serra a little bit lightly.
01:46:31.000But if you're the type of guy that nobody knows what the fuck you're going to do, whether you're going to shoot and go for a takedown, or whether you're going to stand and bang if you're cautious, but you know when to attack and when to move, you've got to be always one step ahead.
01:46:42.000It can't just be running there and brawling.
01:46:45.000And Chuck was so fucking good at running there and brawling.
01:46:51.000You know, he kind of based his whole style on that.
01:46:53.000And because of that, he was one of the most successful guys and one of the most exciting guys.
01:46:58.000But, you know, that's not the style that allows you to keep going deep into your 40s.
01:47:02.000Like, Randy Couture, he's got a safer style.
01:47:05.000Like, he stands with guys, but he just wants to get a hold of your ass.
01:47:07.000He wants to get a hold of your ass, press you up against the cage, beat the fuck out of you, kick your knees.
01:47:12.000Kick your legs, knee you in the legs, elbow you, punch you, get that dirty boxing going, and then hopefully get your ass on the ground, beat the shit out of you down there, and then choke you.
01:47:20.000That's how Randy's rocking it these days, especially in the Coleman fight.
01:47:36.000I think if Chuck had done that in his fight, he would have been, you know, a lot better off.
01:47:39.000But I think he hits so fucking hard and he's, you know, he's so used to blasting guys and has so much success that it just feels good to him.
01:47:46.000Once it starts going, he just chases these motherfuckers down.
01:48:24.000You know, when I had the sleep apnea at first, when you first have an extreme, you wake up like this, Joe.
01:48:30.000So, what happens is, every time you lose your breath, when I was 400 pounds, every time I'd chase you or walk and I'd lose my breath, my body would go into anxiety.
01:48:40.000That's why I had to go to acupuncture.
01:48:41.000So your body would start thinking about the trauma that you've had in the past.
01:48:44.000When you have sleep apnea, you wake up choking.
01:48:47.000You wake up on your feet going like this.
01:49:49.000They kept snatching hats off people's heads.
01:49:51.000As they would walk through the tunnel on the way to the arena, their music's on, they got their hat on, they were focused, and dudes were just snatching dudes' hats off.
01:49:58.000And there's all these animated GIF files online of the guys doing it, and it's Hilarious.
01:50:03.000It's the same guy and they got these big stupid shit-eating grins on their face like, ah!
01:51:25.000And so we've never seen Anderson standing in front of a guy yelling and screaming at him, calling him rich boy and, you know, show me your jiu-jitsu and swearing at him, saying all these different swears, and then just beating his ass and mocking him.
01:51:37.000Never seen Anderson do that before to anybody.
01:51:39.000And Damien Maia is generally known as a really nice guy and respectful guy and a martial artist, but that one statement, whatever the fuck it meant, threw him into a tizzy.
01:51:47.000What is going to happen when he gets in the cage with Chael Sonnen?
01:51:50.000Chael Sonnen has talked so much shit about them making sacrifices to pygmy gods and fucking all kinds of nonsense.
01:52:35.000But he fucked up when he stole that Aziz Anasari joke.
01:52:37.000The internet is not going to let him ride that out.
01:52:39.000Have you been to a website called Wolfram Alpha?
01:52:43.000Yeah, we were going to talk about this.
01:52:45.000Wolfram Alpha, for people who aren't aware of it, is this project where they're trying to take the next step after Google.
01:52:50.000And it's trying to be a website, literally, that you ask it a question, it gives you an answer.
01:52:54.000It's so cool because I put in my birthday in the weather, and I got the exact temperature when I was born to the exact hour.
01:53:03.000I got the lows, the highs during the day, the cloud cover, the population of Columbus at that time, the humidity, the pressure, the winds.
01:53:10.000I got so much shit that if I was with Doc from Back to the Future, I could totally get to the right second of the day that I needed to go back in time with, you know?
01:53:18.000This would give you the information for that.
01:53:20.000You know, it's really funny that you just brought that up and that you're talking about this because there was a subject that was on the message board the other day that I thought was really interesting.
01:53:26.000There's this new scientific discovery that they found where they do believe that it's possible that the universe might be far older than 14 billion years.
01:54:00.000How do you know that you're not going to ever be able to know?
01:54:02.000If our understanding is constantly increasing, what we know today is so much more advanced than what we knew just 100 years ago, or 200 years ago, or 300 years ago.
01:54:11.000A couple hundred years ago, to get around, you had to be on a fucking animal.
01:54:15.000You wanted an image of someone, you had to draw it.
01:54:19.000That's just a couple hundred years ago.
01:54:21.000We don't know what the fuck kind of innovation is going to come up a couple hundred years from now or a couple thousand years from now.
01:54:26.000It might very well be possible that not only can we decipher exactly how the universe began, but we're probably going to be able to get an accurate map of the history of the planet from the very beginning to now, much more detailed, much more precise than we have today.
01:54:43.000day we're probably going to be able to recreate or encapture every single moment of every single day of every single hour that that's ever existed that's it's all very possible man they're going to get crazier and crazier with time they're going to get crazier and crazier with with breaking down like the the quantum mechanics of the universe you know when you start getting into like you know the crazy subatomic particles that disappear and reappear and exist in two different places at the same time or in a superposition and these things that they don't understand
01:55:10.000well as you get more and more understanding and know more and more about the weirdness of the world we're going to be able to figure out how to fucking decipher it you know And it might be that like a time machine, when they invent a time machine or something like that, or whatever the fuck you want to call this next stage of understanding of matter, when they invent it, the idea of a time machine is the only way you're going to be able to travel back in time is once the first time machine is invented.
01:55:33.000So they're going to invent a time machine, and you can't go before that, but what you can do is anything from that will be able to come back to that point.
01:55:39.000So everything that exists from now until whenever, you can access it as soon as they invent a time machine.
01:55:49.000If you can do this, nobody would have ever thought you could be able to do this.
01:55:52.000If you talk to someone in Shakespeare's day and say, do you think there's ever going to be a time where I take something out of my pocket and through the air I ask it a question.
01:56:10.000And if it gets to a point, and it's got to, if they've got to Google it, if it gets to a Wolfram Alpha point, you can ask it a question, you can give it any answer, or it can give you any answer on any question of anything that's ever happened, ever, that human beings are aware of.
01:56:23.000And you'll have all the information right there.
01:56:25.000If you told that to people that lived in Shakespeare's day, they would have told you you're out of your fucking mind.
01:56:36.000Sometimes I just drive in my car and I sit in traffic and I go, what the fuck is next?
01:56:40.000Is there going to be some crazy new thing that's going to change everything?
01:56:43.000Are we in a race between human beings figuring out what the next thing is, the next crazy innovation is, or us just completely fucking everything up with polluting the fucking ocean and nuclear explosions and wars and all that other crazy shit?
01:56:59.000Are we in a race between human retarded chimpanzee instincts and technology?
01:57:07.000When we talk about this peak oil documentary that we watched we thought was bullshit, but the idea of peak oil is a terrifying idea if it was true, and if there was a finite amount of oil and they do bust into it and then we're fucked and we have no oil, things could get really crazy.
01:57:24.000But are they going to come up with something that's going to replace that and make everything better and make everything even more advanced and more simple and more natural to the environment?
01:57:33.000Are they going to figure that out first?
01:57:35.000Or are we going to run out of supplies and resources first?
01:57:39.000Is it a battle between the human, retarded, monkey, chimpanzee behavior of take, take, take, don't think about the future, and technology and innovation and the ability to harness matter?
01:57:47.000I think whatever happens is not going to happen during our lifetime.
01:58:19.000Hopefully Jersey Shore doesn't come West Coast.
01:58:22.000That's all I... You know, I mean, hopefully, like, what if Jersey Shore and the whole East Coast beach gets destroyed, and all those people for summer vacations want to come to the West Coast this summer?
01:58:34.000Those jerseys need to go from fucking point A to point A. The problem with that show is there's so many people like that, and now they think they can be famous, too.
01:59:09.000There's one place I go to called Sushi Joint.
01:59:14.000It's this strip mall that has outdoor stores, and there's a sushi place, but all the stores are fashion outlet, and then the windows are all black, and stuff like that, and then the next thing is something else.
01:59:28.000But what's weird is if you go by there at 2 in the morning, none of those places are open, but yet every single car, there's like 100 cars in the parking lot.
01:59:55.000I think Opie from Opie and Anthony Twittered the other day nature's little fleshlight and it was a monkey using a frog to whack off like a fleshlight.
02:01:29.000If you don't know this story, there's a fucking dude who is this old white guy, who's this Christian warrior from America, who put a fucking, he got a sword, he took a sword with him and a gun, and he went to the fucking mountains of Pakistan, and he went to the mountains of Pakistan to try to find Osama bin Laden to kill him, and they caught his ass.
02:02:11.000A 52-year-old American citizen who said he was searching for Osama bin Laden was detained in Pakistan near the border with Afghanistan this week.
02:02:19.000His name was Gary Faulkner from California.
02:02:21.000He was carrying a pistol, a sword, night vision equipment, and Christian religious books.
02:02:29.000That might be the last guy in the world you want looking for you.
02:02:32.000The last dude in the world you want is a 52-year-old man with a sword and a Bible, and he flew to the other side of the fucking world to find you.
02:02:43.000He's got religious books, a gun, and a Bible, and a sword.
02:04:20.000So anything that's fucked up, anything that's crazy in the internet, whenever it comes out, it's like a portal to all things interesting and fucked up.
02:04:27.000It's my own website, so I can't get away from it.
02:04:30.000If there's anything nutty that's out there in the world, I have the choice whether or not to watch it, but I don't have the choice whether or not to know it exists.
02:04:35.000Because someone's going to put it up there, you know?
02:04:56.000No, I downloaded it, but the people who are pirating it don't like the movie, so they don't care about the quality of the torrents right now.
02:06:06.000But how do they know who did it, though?
02:06:07.000They don't know who did it, but I guess the theater is getting charged for it, so they have to make sure they have ushers that go in and look for cameras and crap like that.
02:06:23.000So that's how they knew that it was the screen on there.
02:06:25.000Dude, I used to buy old school bootlegs back in New York.
02:06:29.000We could walk down the street, be walking home from a comedy club, and there'd be some fucking guy who had a little box out looking for copies.
02:06:35.000They just put the video on their computers.
02:06:37.000Yeah, these guys would do it on VHS. They would make copies, and every fucking copy would be shittier and shittier.
02:06:43.000So if you came to the dude a couple weeks after the movie was out, you're getting fourth and fifth generation VHS copies of some fucking Bruce Willis movie.
02:06:50.000So tomorrow you're going to have Bill Burr on the podcast?
02:06:52.000Bill Burr's coming in tomorrow at 3 o'clock.
02:08:20.000The UFC there was fucking fun as shit.
02:08:22.000I had a good time, but it sucked because I couldn't do a show.
02:08:25.000Because I usually get booked at the Red Robinson Theater, and unfortunately they had a gig there already, and they couldn't cancel it, and I couldn't.
02:08:34.000So they didn't want me doing a local show, like a little place.
02:08:36.000I'm like, what if I just do a little rock club or something like that?