The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #25 - Joey Diaz

00:00:00.000 There we go.

00:00:01.000 Beautiful, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:03.000 Welcome to day 25, Brian?

00:00:06.000 25. Week 25. Week 25 of the Ustream podcast.

00:00:09.000 We got a double podcast week.

00:00:12.000 We're getting crazy.

00:00:14.000 Today is my good friend Mad Flavor, a.k.a. 1.00

00:00:17.000 Joe Diaz, in the motherfucking house. 0.99

00:00:19.000 That's right. 0.99

00:00:20.000 One of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life.

00:00:22.000 I've known Joey for about a decade.

00:00:24.000 Oh, before we go anywhere, before we get started...

00:00:28.000 Fleshlight.com.

00:00:30.000 We are sponsored by the Fleshlight.

00:00:37.000 This is the butthole version of the Fleshlight.

00:00:40.000 It sponsors the podcast.

00:00:42.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link, you get a discount.

00:00:46.000 Joey Diaz, have you ever seen one of those in person?

00:00:48.000 No, no, no, no.

00:00:49.000 Let's rip it out. 0.99

00:00:49.000 Explain it to me. 0.99

00:00:50.000 Show them it real quick.

00:00:51.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:00:51.000 Let's talk about it here.

00:00:53.000 This is the one that I haven't fucked, so you can touch it. 1.00

00:00:55.000 Put your finger in there and tell me. 1.00

00:00:56.000 No, no, I don't want to fuck it. 1.00

00:00:57.000 That's the butthole version. 1.00

00:00:58.000 That is the butthole. 0.99

00:00:59.000 Is there a vaginal version? 0.99

00:01:00.000 Yes, of course. 0.99

00:01:01.000 What are they, retarded? 1.00

00:01:02.000 Did you hide it? 1.00

00:01:03.000 How perverted are they? 1.00

00:01:04.000 Could you imagine if the vaginal one went out of style because nobody wanted to fuck it? 1.00

00:01:08.000 It's like everyone just wanted the asshole one. 1.00

00:01:10.000 Well, it is tighter, so you think everyone would want to fuck it because everyone likes tight pussy. 1.00

00:01:14.000 Look at this. 1.00

00:01:15.000 It's fucking square. 1.00

00:01:16.000 It looks like your dick's got to be like a fucking square. 1.00

00:01:18.000 I love it. 1.00

00:01:19.000 I love it.

00:01:20.000 This is tremendous. 1.00

00:01:21.000 You've got to fuck one of these things. 1.00

00:01:22.000 I'm telling you. 1.00

00:01:22.000 Are you fucking crazy? 1.00

00:01:24.000 It's way better than beating off. 1.00

00:01:25.000 You beat off, right?

00:01:25.000 So you grab it like this and just go like this?

00:01:27.000 Yeah, you move it up?

00:01:29.000 Show him fish in the bucket.

00:01:30.000 Show him fish in the bucket.

00:01:32.000 Take the fish out of the bucket.

00:01:33.000 That's your move, dude.

00:01:34.000 I don't want to rip your move off.

00:01:35.000 Check this out.

00:01:37.000 How awesome is this?

00:01:38.000 Fish in the bucket.

00:01:40.000 Look at that thing. 0.92

00:01:40.000 That's how you wash it. 0.92

00:01:41.000 It pulls out.

00:01:42.000 It wiggles.

00:01:43.000 Oh, so you come in that thing too?

00:01:44.000 Yeah, you square the load in there.

00:01:45.000 And there's a cap on the bottom.

00:01:47.000 When you undo the cap, your load comes rocking.

00:01:49.000 I love hanging out with these guys.

00:01:51.000 There's technology. 1.00

00:01:52.000 They always keep me up this shit. 1.00

00:01:53.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:01:54.000 Yeah, we're up to the latest. 0.77

00:01:56.000 This is the latest in masturbation technology.

00:01:57.000 What kind of people are you people hanging out with?

00:02:00.000 This is a solid product.

00:02:06.000 This is a solid product.

00:02:07.000 And this product comes under a lot of unnecessary heat, in my opinion.

00:02:10.000 Let me ask you this.

00:02:11.000 What if you want to go the other way?

00:02:13.000 Does this come in different colors?

00:02:14.000 You get a brown one.

00:02:17.000 You get a Hindu one, I'm sure. 1.00

00:02:18.000 We gotta find out.

00:02:19.000 They got a Hindu one. 0.98

00:02:20.000 A slumdog millionaire one. 1.00

00:02:22.000 Smells like a fucking lottery ticket. 1.00

00:02:24.000 I bet there's a bunch of different colors. 1.00

00:02:27.000 It can't just be white. 1.00

00:02:28.000 Yeah, that's fucking prejudice. 1.00

00:02:30.000 It's 2010. You gotta mix it up a little bit. 0.99

00:02:32.000 What kind of shit is this? 1.00

00:02:34.000 Yeah, I guess I would do a black one. 1.00

00:02:37.000 You know, you might as well. 0.71

00:02:38.000 I want an Asian one.

00:02:39.000 I want the little muffler that smells like twice-cooked pork.

00:02:41.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:02:42.000 I want something going on. 0.58

00:02:42.000 I bet there's a reason why the black ones show the crust or how dirty it is more, probably. 0.58

00:02:47.000 You know, it gets white. 0.97

00:02:48.000 Why do we got to say black?

00:02:49.000 Why can't she be Puerto Rican? 1.00

00:02:51.000 Someone's a little too high.

00:02:53.000 What are you talking about?

00:02:55.000 Yeah, okay. 1.00

00:02:55.000 We're on the front page and I just see nothing but white pussy. 1.00

00:02:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:59.000 Let's go with the private collection.

00:03:01.000 The champagne collection.

00:03:03.000 They have a Lupe version.

00:03:04.000 You know who Lupe is? 1.00

00:03:05.000 This is all white pussy. 1.00

00:03:06.000 The Puerto Rican singer from the 70s? 1.00

00:03:08.000 No, Lupe. 0.99

00:03:09.000 It's this new porn star. 0.99

00:03:10.000 They have a Lupe version of the Fleshlight. 0.78

00:03:12.000 And I was just at the Hard Rock X-Fans convention and she was there.

00:03:15.000 Man, that chick is amazing. 1.00

00:03:16.000 She's like four feet tall, but yet the proportions perfect of a regular female. 1.00

00:03:22.000 Like everything fits perfect.

00:03:23.000 She just looks like a little girl. 0.71

00:03:24.000 Not like a midget. 1.00

00:03:25.000 I wonder if you can get a blue one so you can pretend you're fucking that Avatar chick. 1.00

00:03:29.000 They should totally... 1.00

00:03:30.000 They have vampires.

00:03:31.000 They have vampire ones.

00:03:32.000 They should totally make an Avatar one.

00:03:33.000 They have Twilight ones.

00:03:34.000 Do you see the Twilight one?

00:03:35.000 Twilight Fleshlights.

00:03:36.000 Twilight.

00:03:36.000 They have fangs.

00:03:37.000 Get the fangs. 1.00

00:03:38.000 They swear to God, they have fangs and the tube that goes down that, you know, rubs against your dick has like fangs on the tube or something like that. 1.00

00:03:45.000 So it's like fucking a vampire pussy. 1.00

00:03:46.000 Because I know you like vampires better than werewolves. 1.00

00:03:49.000 Have you lost your fucking mind, Brian? 1.00

00:03:51.000 You're so baked right now. 1.00

00:03:52.000 You're out of your mind.

00:03:53.000 That's 100% true.

00:03:54.000 Who likes vampires?

00:03:56.000 More than werewolves.

00:03:57.000 Huh?

00:03:57.000 Who likes vampires?

00:03:58.000 You do.

00:03:58.000 You said you liked them last week better.

00:04:00.000 Oh my goodness, Brian.

00:04:01.000 And I've been thinking about this whole time because...

00:04:03.000 I have not said that. 0.99

00:04:05.000 You are just making shit up. 0.99

00:04:07.000 Brian is just so high. 1.00

00:04:08.000 You didn't say that?

00:04:09.000 Brian just rocketed back to the 8th grade. 1.00

00:04:12.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:04:13.000 You're a silly 8th grader right now. 1.00

00:04:16.000 Outside when you're not supposed to be there. 0.99

00:04:18.000 You got out of the gymnasium and you and your buddies got high and now you're cracking jokes on them.

00:04:24.000 You're back in Columbus, Ohio right now, aren't you?

00:04:25.000 Wait, wait, wait.

00:04:27.000 What's going on here?

00:04:28.000 You're barbecued, son.

00:04:29.000 I am barbecued.

00:04:30.000 I know you are because I am.

00:04:32.000 And I'm listening to you talking.

00:04:33.000 I'm like, this kid's too high.

00:04:34.000 I gotta help him out here.

00:04:35.000 I gotta pull him out.

00:04:36.000 Pull him out of this conversation.

00:04:38.000 Yeah.

00:04:38.000 But they do have a vampire fleshlight.

00:04:40.000 That's unbelievably ridiculous. 0.97

00:04:42.000 But I'm more of a werewolf guy, so that's why it's ridiculous. 0.99

00:04:44.000 I don't even like vampires. 0.59

00:04:45.000 Really?

00:04:46.000 I'm tired of vampire movies. 0.97

00:04:47.000 The Wolfman sucked, okay? 0.94

00:04:48.000 I did not like that movie. 1.00

00:04:50.000 It was dumb. 0.99

00:04:50.000 It just didn't work. 0.99

00:04:52.000 And I still bought the fucking Blu-ray. 0.99

00:04:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:04:54.000 Okay, how about that? 0.99

00:04:55.000 That's how much I am of a werewolf.

00:04:56.000 Was there any special features?

00:04:58.000 I search iTunes for werewolf movies, bro.

00:05:01.000 Do you get this?

00:05:01.000 I watch werewolf movies that are terrible.

00:05:04.000 You know why? 0.98

00:05:04.000 Because I know there's going to be at least a guy who's going to turn into a werewolf and fuck some people up. 0.98

00:05:09.000 So you know what I do? 0.98

00:05:10.000 I watch the beginning to get their names.

00:05:11.000 Okay, this is Bob.

00:05:13.000 This is... 1.00

00:05:13.000 Okay, let me just know what the fuck's going on. 1.00

00:05:15.000 Let me fast forward until I see somebody turn into a werewolf. 1.00

00:05:18.000 I want to see the best latest technology and the dude turn into a werewolf and just fucking people up. 0.99

00:05:25.000 I just think those are the craziest movies. 0.94

00:05:27.000 The idea that American Werewolf in London got me hooked. 1.00

00:05:30.000 I saw that shit in 1981 and I was a werewolf fan. 1.00

00:05:34.000 I was done. 1.00

00:05:35.000 But do they still do all the shit like Lon Chaney? 0.99

00:05:37.000 Remember like The Sun? 0.99

00:05:37.000 That's the problem with this Wolfman movie. 0.99

00:05:39.000 They went with a mask.

00:05:41.000 It's Benicio Del Toro in a mask.

00:05:44.000 And he's like, rawr, and his lower jaw sticks out.

00:05:46.000 But then they'll show a transformation.

00:05:48.000 They do.

00:05:48.000 The transformation's good.

00:05:50.000 Yeah, no, they do.

00:05:51.000 I mean, there's a lot of cool CGI in the transformation, but the final product just doesn't look right. 0.78

00:05:59.000 Because it's like, he tried to use the old Wolfman from the 1940s or whatever the fuck it was.

00:06:04.000 Was it Claude Rains, I think it was?

00:06:06.000 He tried to use that version of the Wolfman and just make a more modern update.

00:06:12.000 But after you go to American Werewolf in London, you can't go backwards.

00:06:15.000 You can't go backwards.

00:06:16.000 You can't. 1.00

00:06:16.000 Because American Werewolf in London, that fucking thing was evil, man. 1.00

00:06:20.000 It was like a dog, person, demon thing. 1.00

00:06:24.000 It was on four legs.

00:06:25.000 Is that on Blu-ray? 0.98

00:06:26.000 Yeah, fuck yeah, it's on Blu-ray. 1.00

00:06:27.000 I got that shit sign. 1.00

00:06:28.000 And when they're running from it and you just see it, they did that movie so well, you don't really get to see it that much. 0.99

00:06:33.000 Because the technology was not that good.

00:06:35.000 The only one time you get to actually see the werewolf, he's going through the streets of London, snapping people's heads off.

00:06:41.000 Remember when he was running through the streets and everybody's freaking out and... 0.99

00:06:43.000 Car accidents and shit. 0.95

00:06:44.000 That's the only time you get to see it moving around. 0.99

00:06:46.000 Every other time in the movie, it's like you barely see it, but you see enough that it's fucking terrifying. 0.70

00:06:51.000 And the transformation scene's just off the chain. 0.99

00:06:54.000 You know, that's the kind of shit that we had in 1981, okay? 0.99

00:06:58.000 Now what do they have? 1.00

00:06:59.000 They have vampires that don't bite people and werewolves that just growl at everybody and can change back and forth when they want. 0.99

00:07:06.000 What the fuck have we come to? 1.00

00:07:10.000 The fuck have we come to, Joey? 1.00

00:07:11.000 Bro, I can't even... 1.00

00:07:13.000 I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking half of fruitcakes look like, and I can't believe they're vampires. 0.99

00:07:18.000 In my day, vampires were bad motherfucking Barnabas Collins. 0.99

00:07:21.000 That's a vampire. 1.00

00:07:23.000 Wow, you just went deep.

00:07:24.000 Deep!

00:07:24.000 That guy slung deep.

00:07:25.000 I don't even know what that is. 1.00

00:07:26.000 And you know, when you were a vampire, you fuck guys, you fuck chicks. 1.00

00:07:29.000 It don't matter. 1.00

00:07:30.000 You're a vampire. 0.98

00:07:31.000 You ain't gay. 1.00

00:07:32.000 You just sling dick, you fucking dogs. 1.00

00:07:34.000 It don't matter. 1.00

00:07:35.000 You're a fucking animal. 1.00

00:07:36.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:07:37.000 Right?

00:07:37.000 Gary Oldman?

00:07:40.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:07:41.000 These vampires are too... 1.00

00:07:42.000 I don't know how to say it. 0.96

00:07:44.000 They're too plain plain for me. 1.00

00:07:45.000 They're fucking Disney. 1.00

00:07:46.000 It's Disney. 1.00

00:07:47.000 We've got a whole group of kids now that are growing up with horrible, mediocre entertainment that's designed just for them.

00:07:54.000 As opposed to when we were kids. 0.99

00:07:55.000 There were still fucking kids shows. 0.99

00:07:57.000 You had Sesame Street. 0.99

00:07:58.000 You had a couple other different shows that you could watch.

00:08:03.000 Kid-oriented shows. 1.00

00:08:05.000 Then everything else was a fucking adult show. 1.00

00:08:07.000 Bro, the only kid's show I ever watched is Betty Hill like a motherfucker. 1.00

00:08:10.000 Anyway, that's a kid's show in Jersey. 0.99

00:08:12.000 That was a kid's show in Jersey.

00:08:13.000 That was an adult show in England.

00:08:14.000 That was a kid's show in Jersey. 1.00

00:08:16.000 What a fucking great show. 1.00

00:08:18.000 And every once in a while they show you a tit or an ass. 1.00

00:08:20.000 Yeah, great boobs. 1.00

00:08:21.000 And when you were six you lost your fucking mind for a week. 1.00

00:08:24.000 He was like the first guy to figure out that very simple combination. 1.00

00:08:28.000 Tits, tits, tits and comedy and silliness. 1.00

00:08:31.000 And an accent, a boot. 1.00

00:08:33.000 That dude started the accent way before Jimmy Masada hired that English chick to answer the phone. 1.00

00:08:38.000 English people do make you think that shit is legit. 1.00

00:08:41.000 That's why they use them for those late night infomercials. 1.00

00:08:44.000 It's always an English person describing some product.

00:08:46.000 Like, God.

00:08:47.000 People pay more attention.

00:08:48.000 They think they're cooler or something.

00:08:50.000 Dude, when you meet a chick that has an accent from over there, I don't know, but it makes her like two levels hotter. 1.00

00:08:56.000 Don't you think?

00:08:56.000 Well, you know, English dudes say that too.

00:08:58.000 Dave Bishop says that of American Girl.

00:09:00.000 Oh, really?

00:09:00.000 He has that American accent.

00:09:01.000 He said, you're just so hot to him.

00:09:03.000 I'm your soulmate, Dexter.

00:09:04.000 Haha.

00:09:06.000 I'm your son, mate.

00:09:08.000 There's an English chick, there's a Chinese chick at the Y with an English accent. 1.00

00:09:11.000 Oh, that's a power nation. 1.00

00:09:12.000 That when you talk to her, you lose your fucking mind. 1.00

00:09:15.000 Yeah, you might want to take a yoga class with that chick. 1.00

00:09:17.000 Yeah, no, no, she's very nice. 0.69

00:09:19.000 That's a strong, that's a strong combo right there.

00:09:21.000 That's a double exotic, you know?

00:09:23.000 That's a proper exotic and another exotic on top of that.

00:09:26.000 Oh, you gotta hear her, man.

00:09:27.000 That's a strong one, too.

00:09:29.000 You know? 1.00

00:09:30.000 A chick like that could fuck a guy's life up. 1.00

00:09:32.000 You know? 1.00

00:09:33.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:09:33.000 A chick like that breaks up with you and starts fucking some new guy, and you know what kind of pussy she's slinging at him. 1.00

00:09:39.000 You know what kind of crazy shit she's doing to him. 1.00

00:09:41.000 You know she's saying, put in my ass. 1.00

00:09:42.000 She's saying crazy shit. 1.00

00:09:44.000 With that English accent to fuck you up even worse. 1.00

00:09:46.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:09:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:48.000 You can't eat Chinese food and watch fucking Benny Hill no more because you have flashbacks. 1.00

00:09:52.000 It's horrible, Brian. 1.00

00:09:53.000 And you know her favorite shit. 1.00

00:09:54.000 She likes to get fucked in the mouth. 1.00

00:09:55.000 God. 1.00

00:09:56.000 Was Hee Haw a competition?

00:09:58.000 Was Hee Haw a competition?

00:09:59.000 Yeah, was that the American version of Benny Hill?

00:10:01.000 No, Hee Haw was a TV show.

00:10:03.000 It was a variety show.

00:10:04.000 A country show.

00:10:04.000 They used to have songs.

00:10:05.000 They would play songs.

00:10:06.000 They would do sketches. 0.96

00:10:07.000 Listen, it was a dumbass show, but when I was a kid, I enjoyed it. 0.99

00:10:10.000 I used to go there for boobs also. 1.00

00:10:12.000 I remember Benny Hill and Hee Haw were my two, like, I'll watch that for boobs. 0.97

00:10:15.000 I don't know if Hee Haw had cleavage. 1.00

00:10:17.000 Yeah.

00:10:17.000 They had the blondes.

00:10:18.000 Benny Hill would show you an ass cheat or something, and they wouldn't catch it on Channel 9 in those days, so it got away with murder, you know what I'm saying? 0.98

00:10:25.000 Benny Hill was the first guy to have a real silly show like that with him chasing after girls. 0.98

00:10:29.000 That's a weird combination. 0.68

00:10:30.000 And that famous song that they use all the time.

00:10:34.000 They always had a hard on. 0.99

00:10:35.000 They fucking stressed his hard on. 1.00

00:10:37.000 This country has forgotten about the hard on. 1.00

00:10:39.000 They give no fucking respect for the hard on no more. 0.99

00:10:42.000 You're right. 1.00

00:10:42.000 Benny Hill always had a fucking hard on. 1.00

00:10:44.000 Do you think that's because there's too many people? 1.00

00:10:45.000 Do you think that when it gets overpopulation, naturally people get more reluctant to hide shit like that? 0.99

00:10:51.000 Well, we disregarded the hard-on because they got Cialis now and shit. 1.00

00:10:56.000 And when fucking Benny Hill... 0.99

00:10:58.000 So they're just too common. 1.00

00:10:59.000 The hard-on's too common now because of dick pills. 0.99

00:11:02.000 Yeah, now it don't matter. 0.99

00:11:03.000 See, in the old days...

00:11:04.000 It was a big deal.

00:11:05.000 It was a big deal. 1.00

00:11:06.000 Especially when you get the hard-on because you can take fucking pills. 1.00

00:11:08.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:11:09.000 Everybody got a...

00:11:10.000 Like the old days, a 62-year-old guy that had a heart on was like, wow, that guy's excited.

00:11:15.000 You know, whoa, look at him. 0.94

00:11:15.000 He's got a boner. 0.94

00:11:16.000 He's 62. But now it's like, oh, that old creep. 0.97

00:11:19.000 He's on fucking Viagra. 1.00

00:11:20.000 Look at him. 1.00

00:11:20.000 Have you done any research on these GNC versions of Viagra that are big right now? 1.00

00:11:25.000 They're almost like, you know, they're just a bunch of vitamins and stuff like that.

00:11:28.000 Chris from the Fleshlight was telling us about that.

00:11:30.000 Yeah.

00:11:30.000 He was telling us about one that works.

00:11:31.000 Yeah, and the one that actually had Vicodin, or not Vicodin, but Viagra in it.

00:11:37.000 30% of it was Viagra.

00:11:39.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:11:40.000 Which is weird to me.

00:11:41.000 No wonder why it works.

00:11:42.000 Right.

00:11:43.000 Of course.

00:11:43.000 They had a booth like that at this X-Fans party I went to, and the guys were selling it, and he's like, I'm no doctor.

00:11:49.000 I'm like, yeah, what's in this? 0.92

00:11:50.000 And I was looking through it, and there was probably 300 different roots and fucking bird tears. 0.98

00:11:58.000 And then Viagra. 0.99

00:12:00.000 That's some shit that works. 1.00

00:12:02.000 Because all those roots and shit, those aren't going to work on a 60-year-old dick. 1.00

00:12:07.000 Taking your fucking ginkgo biloba, that's not going to give you a boner when you're 80. But Viagra will fucking rock it. 1.00

00:12:14.000 Viagra will rock it. 0.98

00:12:15.000 Have you ever taken Viagra, Joey? 0.97

00:12:16.000 No, but my uncle's 72 when he tells me the stories how he's banging the shit out of people. 0.99

00:12:22.000 My uncle fucking stays home Sunday through. 0.99

00:12:24.000 He walks Griffin Park every morning, four miles. 1.00

00:12:27.000 Then he goes home, eats Viagra, and fucks some chick to death. 1.00

00:12:31.000 Wow. 1.00

00:12:32.000 He's crazy. 1.00

00:12:33.000 He's got like a 30-year-old chick, and he just fucks her, and he goes to Lankers, and he gets pastramo, and he goes back and fucks her. 1.00

00:12:39.000 Remember Brian Holtzman? 1.00

00:12:41.000 I love Viagra. 1.00

00:12:42.000 Because now, these young girls that go out with these old rich guys, they have to fuck them now! 1.00

00:12:49.000 Remember that bit he would do? 1.00

00:12:51.000 Yeah.

00:12:51.000 And his load, his load, it's like paint that's been sitting in your basement for a year.

00:12:57.000 It's not a fresh product, ladies and gentlemen.

00:12:59.000 Remember that?

00:13:00.000 Remember that bit?

00:13:01.000 Brian Holtzman.

00:13:02.000 Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen, is probably one of the funniest guys that unfortunately you're not going to hear of.

00:13:08.000 Or you're not going to see on TV. You're not going to see him in a special.

00:13:11.000 I hope you do.

00:13:12.000 Unless you go to the comedy store.

00:13:13.000 Does he still even go there?

00:13:15.000 I heard he was going to the Laugh Factory.

00:13:17.000 Unless he gives you a ticket. 1.00

00:13:18.000 What a great fucking guy. 1.00

00:13:19.000 Is he a parking... 1.00

00:13:22.000 A meter-made combination dog catcher. 1.00

00:13:24.000 Which, how funny is he as a fucking dog catcher? 1.00

00:13:26.000 He's a goddamn reality show waiting to happen. 1.00

00:13:28.000 Why doesn't someone follow him around? 1.00

00:13:29.000 He's the meter man, dog catcher, and he's Brian Holtzman.

00:13:32.000 One of the funniest comics.

00:13:33.000 Lady, get your dog out of the street! 1.00

00:13:35.000 Give him a fucking camera, put it in front of him, and mic him up. 1.00

00:13:40.000 That's a great reality show. 1.00

00:13:41.000 Somebody out there, act on this.

00:13:42.000 Get a hold of Brian Holtzman. 1.00

00:13:44.000 But Brian Holtzman is like, there's only a few guys like that that you meet in your life and you go, man, this motherfucker. 1.00

00:13:49.000 What happened? 0.99

00:13:51.000 Why didn't anybody see this?

00:13:53.000 He's so good.

00:13:55.000 Why doesn't anybody see that?

00:13:57.000 Brody Stevens is another one.

00:13:58.000 Brody's got some stuff going on.

00:13:59.000 He was in The Hangover.

00:14:01.000 He's got good friends that are really funny guys.

00:14:03.000 Respect him.

00:14:04.000 Brody Stevens should be a national headliner. 0.99

00:14:07.000 He should be fucking killing it all over the country. 0.98

00:14:10.000 People should be buying tickets to see him in advance and looking forward to it and getting fired up that Brody's in town. 0.99

00:14:16.000 But you know what the weird thing about Brody Stevens is I almost don't want him to get that famous because I love just watching Chelsea lately and seeing miscellaneous parts in the movie The Hangover and stuff like that.

00:14:28.000 It's kind of like a hidden game.

00:14:30.000 Find Brody Stevens out of nowhere.

00:14:32.000 That's so selfish.

00:14:33.000 No, no, no.

00:14:33.000 I know.

00:14:34.000 Obviously, I don't mean it.

00:14:35.000 But it's kind of nice only knowing who he is.

00:14:39.000 They've been torching him at the store lately.

00:14:41.000 He hasn't been getting spots.

00:14:42.000 Brody, when we did the man show, Brody was the warm-up guy. 0.87

00:14:46.000 And his warm-ups were so fucking funny. 0.89

00:14:49.000 He can tell the same joke ten times in a row, and I'll ask for it. 0.93

00:14:54.000 I'll keep yelling out, did you do any modeling? 0.99

00:14:57.000 And he'll do his whole fucking, that whole piece that he does. 0.99

00:15:00.000 He'll model in Beirut. 0.99

00:15:01.000 In Pakistan.

00:15:02.000 I was on the cover of Camel Beats.

00:15:05.000 Enjoy it!

00:15:06.000 What's Brody Stevens' Twitter name?

00:15:08.000 Is that Brody Stevens?

00:15:10.000 My Brody's friend?

00:15:11.000 Yeah, I'm Brody's friend.

00:15:15.000 I'm Brody's friend.

00:15:17.000 Follow this guy.

00:15:18.000 This guy's quite the beauty. 0.99

00:15:19.000 He's a fucking great human being too. 0.99

00:15:22.000 And he starts Twittering at like 6 in the morning. 0.99

00:15:24.000 And he has the cutest dog that has the most human face I've ever seen in my life.

00:15:28.000 Brody's so hilarious.

00:15:29.000 I go back to Seattle with Brody.

00:15:32.000 That's how long I've known Brody.

00:15:33.000 When I used to drive his car to the Gig Harbor and he used to cry that I was speeding in his car.

00:15:39.000 Tell us a classic Brody story.

00:15:40.000 The time we put him in the trunk and drove to Gig Harbor.

00:15:42.000 He told me it would take him two hours. 0.98

00:15:44.000 And I said, I'll bet you any fucking amount of money I could do in an hour. 0.98

00:15:47.000 And he's like, no, you can't. 0.99

00:15:48.000 And we put him in the backseat with Soundgarden Blast and he kept saying, normal people don't live like this. 1.00

00:15:55.000 I'm doing 90 in the fucking right-hand lane, cutting off fucking Asians. 1.00

00:15:59.000 He's like, stop Joe Diaz! 1.00

00:16:02.000 I would not want to be in the car with you reckless driving if I was high.

00:16:05.000 That's the night he stopped the show because there was a bunch of head shots on the wall, and he stopped the show because there was no Jews on the wall. 1.00

00:16:13.000 Not one fucking Jew. 1.00

00:16:14.000 You got black people. 1.00

00:16:15.000 You got white people. 0.97

00:16:16.000 Where's the Jews? 0.99

00:16:17.000 Next time I come here, I want a Jew on the wall. 1.00

00:16:20.000 Brody gets these bad late night spots, or at least he used to at the store, and sometimes he'd get up there and the crowd would be dead.

00:16:25.000 There'd be no one left.

00:16:27.000 The show starts at 8 o'clock at night or something like that, and Brody would be on after 1 a.m., like 1.45 or something like that he'd go on.

00:16:33.000 And he would just start playing the drums. 0.96

00:16:35.000 He would pull chairs up and pull out his drumsticks and start playing the drums and just start ad-libbing and fucking around. 1.00

00:16:41.000 And before you know it, you had a fucking show. 1.00

00:16:42.000 You had a show. 1.00

00:16:43.000 There was eight people there, but that was a rockin' eight, you know?

00:16:47.000 And that's one thing that that creepy place was the best for.

00:16:51.000 The best for. 0.86

00:16:52.000 Giving you those little tiny-ass crowds.

00:16:54.000 Those tiny-ass crowds where there was no one in the audience and people were barely paying attention, but every now and then someone would go up and just do something magical in that zero crowd.

00:17:05.000 Eight people was all I needed.

00:17:06.000 Four.

00:17:06.000 Four I could do.

00:17:07.000 Let me tell the story about you.

00:17:08.000 Let me tell the story about you.

00:17:09.000 Joey Diaz, one night, we were at the Comedy Store, and it was one of those nights where it was just, it was kind of dead.

00:17:14.000 What was it, a Sunday?

00:17:15.000 When you get on stage and you were doing the Ozzy Osbourne.

00:17:18.000 Oh, that was a Saturday in the mainland.

00:17:20.000 And it was late at night.

00:17:21.000 Late at night.

00:17:21.000 Nobody.

00:17:22.000 This is the early day.

00:17:23.000 The comedy store went through some dark periods where we got real bad crowds for a long time.

00:17:28.000 And this was like pre-Fear Factor, right?

00:17:31.000 This was a long time ago.

00:17:32.000 Yeah, in between News Radio and Fear Factor.

00:17:35.000 So it's one of these late nights, and there's only maybe like fucking literally like five audience members left in this main room.

00:17:42.000 And Joey goes on stage, and Joey tells him to put on, what is it, War Pig?

00:17:46.000 Yeah.

00:17:47.000 He tells him to put on War Pig. 0.99

00:17:49.000 And he fucking cranks War Pig, and Joey fucking sings along, takes his shirt off, and screaming into the microphone on key with every lyric, and the place goes fucking bananas. 1.00

00:18:03.000 Bananas! 1.00

00:18:04.000 I said it.

00:18:05.000 I had to say it there, because that's what it was.

00:18:07.000 Everybody was going nuts. 1.00

00:18:09.000 Everybody came in from the fucking kitchen. 0.99

00:18:11.000 All the comics that were still left in the OR came in. 0.99

00:18:13.000 The dudes from the parking lot came in. 0.99

00:18:15.000 By the time Joey was offstage, it went from 10 people to the only 30 people that were in the whole fucking building. 0.98

00:18:22.000 And we were just clapping and laughing. 0.99

00:18:24.000 It was like, there's these magical moments where you know a dude just hits some rare place on stage where he's just free as fuck. 0.97

00:18:33.000 And that place, that place at the Comedy Store, there were so many of those moments. 0.98

00:18:37.000 That's where it took you to the Comedy Store.

00:18:38.000 When you did it, it was such the moment.

00:18:42.000 It was so real because there was no one there.

00:18:44.000 There was no one there.

00:18:46.000 It wasn't like you could...

00:18:47.000 Large audiences, sometimes you can trick them. 0.98

00:18:49.000 You can sing and sound like fucking some other singer and they clap and they love you and in the end they give you a big standing ovation. 1.00

00:18:57.000 But it's really a bunch of dumb shit. 1.00

00:18:59.000 You've just entertained them sufficiently. 1.00

00:19:02.000 But You're not going to get that kind of response out of five people. 0.99

00:19:05.000 When there's only five people there, you've got to give them some real shit. 1.00

00:19:09.000 It's got to come from some crazy place inside you. 1.00

00:19:12.000 When there's five or six people, there can be no fat in your act. 0.96

00:19:16.000 That's where your joke sounds so gross and jokey. 1.00

00:19:20.000 All the unnecessary parts of your act, they just seem so stupid. 1.00

00:19:24.000 Because now you're only talking to a few people. 1.00

00:19:26.000 It teaches you.

00:19:27.000 That's one thing I give the comedy store that I'll never take away from the comedy store.

00:19:30.000 I never hit magical moments like that at another club.

00:19:34.000 The original room and the main room, but emphasis on the original room after midnight.

00:19:39.000 See, a lot of comics you'll talk to and they'll go, I'm getting 12, 15 spots. 0.54

00:19:42.000 Little do you know, for a guy like me, a 12, 15 spot is a gold because I go in there and do what the fuck I want to do, which is really what comedy really is in a way.

00:19:51.000 You know, it's unprepared. 0.93

00:19:53.000 You go in there.

00:19:53.000 If you go up there with three of your jokes about me and my girlfriend broke up, it's going to be a long 15 minutes.

00:19:58.000 You know that.

00:19:59.000 And that's what the comedy store pulled out of you.

00:20:01.000 It pulled out how to entertain for.

00:20:03.000 I love going up in there before people.

00:20:05.000 That's my world. 1.00

00:20:06.000 That's my fucking world. 1.00

00:20:08.000 That's my world. 1.00

00:20:09.000 Four or five people on a Tuesday night somewhere at the ha-ha or something.

00:20:12.000 That's as fun as it gets.

00:20:14.000 When they start laughing and rocking, it's so genuine.

00:20:17.000 Those moments are so genuine.

00:20:19.000 There's no fat in those small crowds, man.

00:20:22.000 It's a totally different style of comedy.

00:20:24.000 And that's something I realized when I started doing larger venues.

00:20:26.000 It's harder sometimes to be one-on-one real with a large venue.

00:20:32.000 Because, like, you don't want to give them too much, like, dead air time.

00:20:34.000 You don't want to give them too much time to contemplate.

00:20:37.000 There's too many people.

00:20:38.000 It's just too hard to control all of them anyway.

00:20:39.000 It becomes more of, like, a show. 0.94

00:20:41.000 Whereas, like, if you're doing it for, like, just a few people, there's something fucking crazy about that, man.

00:20:46.000 Ever tell you the Andrew Field story where we did comedy?

00:20:49.000 Like, four different guys did comedy for two people?

00:20:52.000 We were at Dangerfields.

00:20:54.000 Show Sports started at 8 o'clock or something like that.

00:20:57.000 My spot was at 9.30.

00:20:58.000 I got there at 9 o'clock and everybody's just waiting in the bar.

00:21:02.000 I'm like, what's going on?

00:21:03.000 No one's here.

00:21:04.000 No one.

00:21:05.000 No crowd at all.

00:21:06.000 Nothing.

00:21:06.000 So what do we do?

00:21:07.000 Do we leave?

00:21:08.000 No, we're going to wait for people to show up.

00:21:09.000 See if anybody shows up.

00:21:10.000 So we wait.

00:21:11.000 And we're there for maybe 15 minutes and a couple walks in. 0.98

00:21:14.000 And there was a guy, Bobby, who was the doorman, this big fucking powerlifting Scottish guy. 0.99

00:21:19.000 He was this guy who used to do powerlifting with fucking bags of cement. 0.99

00:21:23.000 He would take bags of cement and pour them into those big white plastic buckets and do fucking powerlifting with them. 0.99

00:21:28.000 I mean, he's just a gorilla, just a gorilla of a man and a crazy sense of humor. 0.97

00:21:33.000 So he's probably way funnier than 99% of the comedians that ever worked at Dangerfields.

00:21:38.000 Funnier than me when I was a kid, for sure.

00:21:40.000 I was like, how come this guy is the doorman? 0.99

00:21:41.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:21:42.000 And I'm, you know, some dildo trying to do stand-up without a view of the world yet, you know, and I'm the one on stage. 0.99

00:21:49.000 So anyway, the couple walks in and he goes, Come right this way, ladies and gentlemen!

00:21:53.000 Show's about to stop!

00:21:54.000 You know, this crazy Scottish accent. 0.85

00:21:55.000 Terrible impression of him, by the way. 0.61

00:21:57.000 Pulls him down, sits him down.

00:21:58.000 The people are, like, sitting in this room like, We're by ourselves.

00:22:01.000 What's going on?

00:22:01.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dangerfields.

00:22:04.000 Please welcome your host and whoever the fuck the host was. 0.99

00:22:06.000 And the host goes out there by himself. 0.99

00:22:07.000 And he does stand-up for this couple.

00:22:09.000 And he does like 20 minutes.

00:22:11.000 And then he brings on the next act.

00:22:12.000 The next act is a half an hour.

00:22:13.000 Then he brings on the next act.

00:22:15.000 And he does a half an hour.

00:22:16.000 And then he brought on me.

00:22:17.000 And I did a half an hour.

00:22:18.000 And I brought on somebody else. 1.00

00:22:19.000 And these fucking people sat there and watched a whole comedy show. 1.00

00:22:22.000 Just two people. 1.00

00:22:23.000 And they sat through the whole thing.

00:22:24.000 They probably felt trapped.

00:22:26.000 But they probably had a blast, too.

00:22:28.000 They had a blast eventually.

00:22:29.000 They've seen comedy from a different end.

00:22:30.000 There were some good comics.

00:22:31.000 Take your water, Brian.

00:22:32.000 There were some good comics that night.

00:22:34.000 Dangerfields was a good place to work out.

00:22:35.000 It was very similar to the Comedy Store.

00:22:36.000 Nobody was there that was going to watch you.

00:22:38.000 There was no industry people there.

00:22:39.000 You know, Dangerfields is not where you're going to meet your manager or your agent.

00:22:42.000 It's this weird little club that only the comics like.

00:22:45.000 Because in a place like the Comedy Store, the good thing about, like, a lot of people are like, oh, industry won't come to the Comedy Store.

00:22:51.000 I'm like, well, you don't get this kind of a club, this kind of an atmosphere if the agencies want to come here.

00:22:58.000 They don't want to come to this kind of place. 1.00

00:23:00.000 They want to come to the kind of place where they're taken care of, it's very professional, and the manager takes care of their tab and seats them and shakes their hand and kisses their ass. 0.99

00:23:08.000 The Comedy Store never gave a fuck about the agents. 1.00

00:23:10.000 They don't give a fuck about you. 0.98

00:23:11.000 You don't even get free tickets. 1.00

00:23:13.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:23:13.000 The only way they get free tickets is if you call in. 1.00

00:23:15.000 You say, hey, I need two tickets for my agent.

00:23:17.000 Then the agent gets free tickets. 1.00

00:23:19.000 If the agent's on his own, he's fucked. 0.99

00:23:21.000 You're going to have to pay. 0.99

00:23:22.000 It costs 20 bucks, and this guy over here, he's going to take your money.

00:23:25.000 They don't do that in other clubs. 0.99

00:23:27.000 But because of that, that place was just this place where you just saw wild shit. 1.00

00:23:32.000 I saw your dick there at least 100 times. 1.00

00:23:35.000 There was at least 100 times where Joey pulled his dick out of his bitch. 1.00

00:23:39.000 Jealous. 1.00

00:23:39.000 The one that I took my fucking... 1.00

00:23:41.000 That's the first time ever. 1.00

00:23:45.000 What the fuck's her name? 0.99

00:23:47.000 The female comic. 1.00

00:23:48.000 Oh, the one that sued Don Barris?

00:23:49.000 Yes.

00:23:50.000 What is her name?

00:23:50.000 Judy.

00:23:51.000 Judy.

00:23:51.000 Judy Canciotti.

00:23:52.000 Yeah, okay.

00:23:53.000 So this is what happens.

00:23:54.000 She goes on stage.

00:23:55.000 We shouldn't have said her name.

00:23:57.000 She goes on stage.

00:23:59.000 So she's on stage and she's not doing very well.

00:24:02.000 And we're all barbecued. 1.00

00:24:04.000 We're high as fuck. 0.99

00:24:04.000 It's eight people. 0.99

00:24:05.000 It's a Monday night.

00:24:06.000 It's a Monday night.

00:24:06.000 You know, there's nobody there.

00:24:08.000 There's no one there.

00:24:08.000 It was a small crowd.

00:24:09.000 So, while she's on stage, Joey goes into the back area.

00:24:13.000 There's like this backstage area that's like in the OR. The OR is a small room.

00:24:18.000 It only seats about $1.50.

00:24:19.000 But it does have a stage with a little backstage area.

00:24:22.000 So, Joey goes into the backstage area.

00:24:24.000 He goes to the backstage area and takes off all of his clothes.

00:24:27.000 And he waits.

00:24:28.000 And so she's doing her act.

00:24:30.000 And when she gets to her punchlines, she hits the punchline. 0.99

00:24:33.000 And Joey opens the curtains and shakes his dick and then closes them up real quick. 0.99

00:24:37.000 And the people go crazy. 0.99

00:24:40.000 And you see this spark in her eye.

00:24:43.000 Like...

00:24:43.000 The jokes are finally working.

00:24:46.000 Like, I'm finally doing it.

00:24:48.000 Oh my god, now I see what it's like.

00:24:50.000 You could see her loosen up and get confident.

00:24:53.000 You could see her relax. 0.99

00:24:55.000 And every time she hit a punchline, Joey would pop open that curtain, shake his dick, and close it. 0.99

00:25:00.000 And the people were fucking just stomping their feet, laughing, slapping their tables. 0.99

00:25:06.000 She never did know that you did that. 0.99

00:25:08.000 I don't think she ever knew.

00:25:09.000 She never knew you did that.

00:25:10.000 We couldn't break her heart.

00:25:11.000 She thought that.

00:25:11.000 She was on the phone with CAA that morning.

00:25:13.000 She had so much confidence the next night.

00:25:15.000 You remember the next time we saw her on stage?

00:25:17.000 No.

00:25:17.000 And the same jokes just didn't work.

00:25:21.000 It just weren't the same.

00:25:23.000 She had the magic.

00:25:25.000 She had it for one night.

00:25:26.000 And she didn't even know.

00:25:28.000 I wonder if she's thinking back to what she ate that night, like, I gotta eat the same food every day, and she's been eating bologna sandwiches for the last 20 years. 0.96

00:25:35.000 It's hard to talk shit about anybody who's not funny because nobody's funny in the beginning. 0.94

00:25:39.000 It's like, how come some people figure out how to be funny and some people don't? 0.97

00:25:43.000 I mean, funny is a strange thing.

00:25:44.000 There's some folks that, you know, they might be intelligent, they might be cool, but there's something about them that's just not funny.

00:25:51.000 You know, and it's just, no matter how hard they try, for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to connect.

00:25:56.000 We all know guys who've been open micers for 20 years, right?

00:26:00.000 You know those guys?

00:26:01.000 Yeah.

00:26:02.000 And they're happy there.

00:26:03.000 Some of them. 0.99

00:26:05.000 Some of them still can't figure out what the fuck it is. 0.98

00:26:09.000 You know what's weird? 0.98

00:26:10.000 I've been following, like, really weird people on Twitter lately, but I've been following Dexter's...

00:26:15.000 Ex-wife, or I guess wife?

00:26:16.000 No, spoiler alert, but the main girl from Dexter on Twitter.

00:26:20.000 It is so weird to follow somebody that, you know...

00:26:24.000 Supposed to be dead or something?

00:26:25.000 Right, or that's supposed to be like, oh my god, I shouldn't be following her.

00:26:28.000 Dexter's gonna get pissed, you know?

00:26:32.000 Yeah, I saw what he did to the neighbor, you know, but it's weird.

00:26:34.000 You know about that dude that thought he was Dexter, that dude up in British Columbia?

00:26:38.000 Really?

00:26:39.000 Wait, wait, I haven't heard this.

00:26:40.000 He was a giant, crazy Dexter fan and wound up committing a murder and getting caught for it.

00:26:44.000 I do feel, like, after watching that show so much that I find myself doing things like, you know, like, I'm always thinking twice, like, what would my dad do, you know?

00:26:54.000 I'm like, wait a second, I'm just getting the mail. 0.65

00:26:58.000 When you watch ten episodes of The Fucking Wild, I have one shot stone. 0.98

00:27:02.000 That's got to be psychological damage. 0.98

00:27:03.000 That's what it is, man.

00:27:04.000 That's a dark show, and it's kind of weird.

00:27:07.000 It's good, though, huh?

00:27:08.000 The first season?

00:27:09.000 By the way, now I can talk about it.

00:27:11.000 I thought the John Lithgow season was the best season.

00:27:13.000 Oh, okay.

00:27:14.000 Maybe it was.

00:27:15.000 I mean, what I said was only based on the very first episode that I saw.

00:27:18.000 Oh, okay.

00:27:18.000 Granted, I was getting a little tired of the whole every week somebody gets murdered thing.

00:27:23.000 Yeah.

00:27:23.000 For whatever reason.

00:27:24.000 There was a formula to it.

00:27:25.000 Yeah.

00:27:25.000 That if you get caught in that formula.

00:27:27.000 Yeah, like, okay, it's 20 minutes late.

00:27:28.000 Right.

00:27:29.000 20 minutes left in the show.

00:27:30.000 Who's he going to kill?

00:27:31.000 Well, you know, I tell you what, that whole Schmitz third season, whatever his name is, Jimmy Schmitz or whatever his name is, I thought that was the worst season.

00:27:38.000 I hated that season.

00:27:39.000 Yeah, I did not like that season.

00:27:40.000 I did not mind it, but it wasn't the best.

00:27:42.000 The best season was the first one.

00:27:43.000 The first one was the best. 0.99

00:27:45.000 First of all, the first one was a motherfucker because... 1.00

00:27:47.000 I understand the guy got sick, and he had some health problems, but in the first one, he looked like a killer. 1.00

00:27:53.000 He was built, too.

00:27:55.000 I didn't buy him when he lost all that muscle.

00:27:57.000 I mean, I know it sounds silly, but I'm like, you're jujitsu-ing people, and you look like a skinny...

00:28:02.000 See, I never even thought he had muscle to begin with.

00:28:05.000 If you look at the first one, you know what it looks like to me? 0.99

00:28:08.000 There's dudes that you go to jiu-jitsu with, and you see them, and they're like purple belts or something like that, and you look at them, and you're like, this fucking guy's going to be a pain in the ass. 0.99

00:28:15.000 It's going to be hard to roll with this guy. 0.98

00:28:16.000 He's got like a big neck, strong shoulders, and this is going to be a battle.

00:28:19.000 You just look at him.

00:28:21.000 That's kind of what he looked like in the first season.

00:28:22.000 He looked like a dude who's like a sturdy dude, you know?

00:28:25.000 I bought that he was like this killer, and it made him look just a little more sinister, even though he was polite.

00:28:31.000 He looked so much like a victim.

00:28:32.000 Yeah, but maybe that's why they picked Jonathan Lithgow, because they're like, oh, anyone can beat him. 0.98

00:28:36.000 Well, see, here's my problem, and this is, I mean, granted, I'm a commentator for fucking cage fighting, but when John Lithgow got her in that weak-ass rear-naked choke, I was like, what the? 0.98

00:28:45.000 You ain't couldn't. 1.00

00:28:46.000 I put nobody to sleep with that bitch. 1.00

00:28:48.000 You know what's so funny? 1.00

00:28:49.000 And the fucking chick with a buck, people buck. 1.00

00:28:51.000 They don't just lay there and accept the fact that you're choking them. 1.00

00:28:54.000 Let me tell you something. 0.99

00:28:55.000 My daughter, she's fucking two, okay? 0.99

00:28:57.000 She's 30 pounds. 1.00

00:28:58.000 She had something stuck in her nose last night, alright? 0.99

00:29:01.000 And she had a little Barbie doll shoe and she fucking shoved it up her nose. 1.00

00:29:05.000 And it was like up her nose. 0.99

00:29:06.000 And she was pawing at it and I had to hold her down and get it out of her nose. 1.00

00:29:10.000 And dude, she's fucking 30 pounds and she's screaming and freaking and kicking and I can barely get a hold of her nose and hold her little tiny head to pull this thing out. 1.00

00:29:21.000 John Lithgow's got some woman, a grown-ass woman, who knows some crazy man's about to fuck her dead body. 1.00

00:29:28.000 And she's just gonna go, oh my god, you're putting me to sleep. 1.00

00:29:31.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:29:32.000 Retake that. 1.00

00:29:33.000 I wouldn't want to grab the actor. 0.98

00:29:35.000 I wouldn't want to grab the actor and just hold him down and just start smacking him in the face.

00:29:38.000 Come on, get up. 0.96

00:29:39.000 Get up.

00:29:40.000 Get up. 0.99

00:29:40.000 Have them fucking freak out. 0.99

00:29:41.000 Have them think that you're going to die. 1.00

00:29:43.000 Like, you might die in this. 1.00

00:29:45.000 I might not ever let you up, you fuck. 1.00

00:29:47.000 I might just beat the fuck out of you to death right here. 1.00

00:29:49.000 And there's nothing you can do about it. 1.00

00:29:51.000 But that's how you feel when someone's choking you to death in a bathtub.

00:29:53.000 You don't just, oh, he's got me. 1.00

00:29:55.000 That was stupid. 1.00

00:29:56.000 You know what, though? 1.00

00:29:57.000 It's so funny, because while I'm watching it, John Lithgow doing these moves and stuff, I'm thinking of you watching this, and I'm like, oh, you know Joseph's getting pissed right now. 0.97

00:30:06.000 But what's so funny is that you get so mad about just the choke, that to me, I'm like, alright, I'll buy the choke, but I can't buy that fucking cell phone. 0.97

00:30:13.000 It looks like it was made in paintbrush. 0.97

00:30:14.000 You're like, incoming call?

00:30:16.000 Where are you at? 0.99

00:30:18.000 When you look at the graphics, you know there's no fucking phone that makes that graphic. 0.99

00:30:22.000 What, cell text? 0.99

00:30:24.000 Cell text?

00:30:25.000 Celltech is not a real phone company.

00:30:27.000 That's hilarious.

00:30:30.000 To me, that scene where he kills that woman in the tub is just as unrealistic as Spock grabbing people by the neck and putting them to sleep.

00:30:37.000 That's just like a ninja death touch to me. 0.99

00:30:40.000 People freak the fuck out when you're choking them. 0.97

00:30:43.000 They hyperventilate, they kick, they spaz. 0.89

00:30:47.000 That's made by someone who's never seen anybody get choked, and the guy who's doing it's never choked anybody.

00:30:53.000 And there was no consultant on the set. 0.97

00:30:55.000 They should have been freaking the fuck out. 0.95

00:30:57.000 You don't just choke someone like that. 0.99

00:30:59.000 They go crazy.

00:31:00.000 They try to survive. 1.00

00:31:01.000 You're in a fucking bathtub with a naked old dude. 1.00

00:31:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:04.000 He's behind you and you just kind of just... 1.00

00:31:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:31:07.000 You would bite that motherfucker. 1.00

00:31:08.000 You'd be fighting for your life at that point. 1.00

00:31:10.000 I would be more believable that he would move his blood samples out of the air conditioning unit after the first, second, third, or fourth time. 0.99

00:31:17.000 See, I'm thinking more of shit like that. 1.00

00:31:18.000 I'm like, come on, you take your fucking blood samples and you put it underneath the toilet or something. 1.00

00:31:22.000 Yeah, I didn't need that. 0.99

00:31:23.000 I didn't need that little thing, that evidence, the little thing that he, you know, the trophies.

00:31:28.000 Right.

00:31:28.000 I didn't need that.

00:31:29.000 But I guess that's a thing that serial killers do though.

00:31:31.000 Right.

00:31:31.000 Well, yeah, I agree, but I look at a show like that, but then last week Eddie said that he liked True Blood, and I just get so angry.

00:31:39.000 I've been fighting people off Twitter all week about True Blood lovers. 0.99

00:31:42.000 Another goddamn vampire show. 0.99

00:31:44.000 How many vampire shows are there now? 1.00

00:31:46.000 There's a new one coming out.

00:31:47.000 There's a new one.

00:31:47.000 What?

00:31:48.000 What the fuck is going on? 1.00

00:31:48.000 What happened to the fucking capes? 1.00

00:31:50.000 What happened to the black shirt with the fucking thing? 1.00

00:31:52.000 What happened to the thing that they hypnotized you with? 1.00

00:31:54.000 They just fucking evolved? 0.99

00:31:56.000 That's it? 1.00

00:31:57.000 No cape?

00:31:57.000 No nothing?

00:31:58.000 They show up with fucking tail? 1.00

00:31:59.000 That Robert Pattinson? 1.00

00:32:00.000 Looks like he's been getting punched in the nose? 1.00

00:32:02.000 And the other fucking kid? 1.00

00:32:03.000 And the chick? 1.00

00:32:04.000 I don't know, bro.

00:32:04.000 I don't even play the vampire thing, guys.

00:32:06.000 I don't even fucking go there. 0.94

00:32:08.000 I don't go halfway there. 0.99

00:32:09.000 My wife watches True Blood. 1.00

00:32:10.000 I leave the fucking house. 1.00

00:32:11.000 You understand me? 1.00

00:32:12.000 On Sunday nights. 1.00

00:32:13.000 I don't like none of that shit. 1.00

00:32:14.000 I don't know where it came from. 1.00

00:32:15.000 It just snuck up on us like fucking Andy. 0.99

00:32:17.000 I know. 0.99

00:32:17.000 It just snuck up on us. 0.99

00:32:19.000 A swarm of vampire bullshit. 1.00

00:32:20.000 CW got a show now. 1.00

00:32:22.000 ABC got a show.

00:32:23.000 Everybody got a show about that.

00:32:25.000 Listen, bro.

00:32:25.000 I don't know.

00:32:26.000 I'm out of my fucking way. 0.99

00:32:28.000 What's that other popular show with kids right now? 0.99

00:32:30.000 There's another vampire show.

00:32:31.000 Vampire Diaries.

00:32:32.000 Vampire Diaries.

00:32:33.000 That one. 1.00

00:32:34.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:32:35.000 And there's another one that's just about to start that's brand new that's coming out soon. 1.00

00:32:39.000 Can you have too many fucking fans? 0.99

00:32:40.000 Will there be a bounce back? 1.00

00:32:42.000 Can we expect?

00:32:43.000 I don't know because there's people in the chat room that are saying, dude, True Blood is legit.

00:32:46.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.92

00:32:47.000 See, they just don't fucking get what we're talking about. 0.94

00:32:51.000 Just the fact that there's a chat room and people are talking about it. 0.99

00:32:55.000 That fucking kills me right there. 0.98

00:32:56.000 That destroys my inside. 1.00

00:32:58.000 Dude, life is too goddamn easy. 1.00

00:33:00.000 People are soft as fuck. 1.00

00:33:02.000 They are soft as shit on a hot summer day. 1.00

00:33:05.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:33:06.000 People are fucking soft. 1.00

00:33:07.000 And they're not even interesting fucking vampires. 1.00

00:33:09.000 That's what I'm saying to you. 1.00

00:33:10.000 They have no character in them.

00:33:12.000 Well, they don't kill anybody.

00:33:13.000 They live off animals.

00:33:14.000 At least the Twilight ones.

00:33:16.000 He lives off animals.

00:33:17.000 And he can go outside in the daytime?

00:33:19.000 What?

00:33:20.000 You know what they've done?

00:33:21.000 They've pretty much taken the soap opera, a dying thing.

00:33:23.000 They've taken off the evil guy with the patch and made him a vampire. 0.99

00:33:26.000 And that's what the shows you guys are watching is fucking soap operas with vampires. 0.99

00:33:31.000 Guys, I'm not going to lie to you. 1.00

00:33:32.000 I bought the fucking movie. 0.99

00:33:34.000 The first one with Wesley Slime, Spade. 1.00

00:33:36.000 Oh, Blades.

00:33:37.000 Spade.

00:33:40.000 Blade. 0.99

00:33:40.000 I don't fucking know. 0.99

00:33:42.000 Blade, Spade. 0.99

00:33:43.000 Let me tell you something.

00:33:43.000 I bought that.

00:33:44.000 If Spade wasn't a name for a black guy, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. 1.00

00:33:47.000 When he fucking met with the Chinese people, I bought that shit. 1.00

00:33:50.000 I was like, those Chinese people are fucking vampires. 1.00

00:33:51.000 Oh, dude. 1.00

00:33:51.000 I was a huge Blade. 1.00

00:33:52.000 I was a big Blade fan when I was a kid.

00:33:54.000 But that's it.

00:33:55.000 That's where it ends. 0.99

00:33:56.000 I don't want to see all this new shit. 1.00

00:33:58.000 Guys with Rastafarian hair and True Blood are the vampires. 1.00

00:34:01.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

00:34:02.000 I don't like that shit. 1.00

00:34:03.000 It scares me. 1.00

00:34:04.000 I don't fucking even want to see that shit. 1.00

00:34:04.000 When I was a kid, Blade was one of my favorite comic book characters. 1.00

00:34:08.000 That was a badass comic book character. 0.97

00:34:09.000 Was he black even then? 0.94

00:34:10.000 Yeah, he was black. 0.89

00:34:11.000 He used to have little knives made out of teak wood. 0.99

00:34:14.000 He would kill people with teak because they were all vampires. 1.00

00:34:17.000 He would kill them with wood. 1.00

00:34:18.000 So he had wood knives made out of this really hard wood. 0.97

00:34:20.000 I love that stuff. 0.99

00:34:21.000 Everything else, I got to tell you guys, I don't even fucking put this shit on. 0.98

00:34:25.000 They changed so much about the whole vampire lore. 0.99

00:34:27.000 I mean, the whole thing. 0.98

00:34:28.000 What the fuck happened to Transylvania? 1.00

00:34:30.000 Did they just blow this motherfucker up? 1.00

00:34:32.000 I want to see where the fuck the iPhone is to fucking Transylvania. 1.00

00:34:37.000 When I was a kid, you want to see a vampire, we got to go to Transylvania. 0.99

00:34:40.000 Now they don't even talk about fucking Transylvania. 0.98

00:34:42.000 It just disappeared. 0.98

00:34:44.000 Go look it up. 0.99

00:34:45.000 Fucking Transylvania. 1.00

00:34:46.000 Where the fuck is it? 1.00

00:34:47.000 It's in Pennsylvania, isn't it? 0.99

00:34:47.000 They were Russian people. 0.99

00:34:49.000 They had an accent and shit like that where they were from Bulgaria. 1.00

00:34:52.000 All of a sudden, now they're fucking Spanish. 1.00

00:34:54.000 So if I was a smart man, everyone should bet money what the next monster is going to be. 1.00

00:34:59.000 It's not going to be vampires.

00:35:00.000 What's the next thing?

00:35:01.000 Bigfoot's going to come back, make a comeback or something?

00:35:03.000 Well, there's another vampire thing by Guillermo del Toro.

00:35:08.000 I don't know how to say his name.

00:35:09.000 How do you say his name?

00:35:10.000 Guillermo?

00:35:10.000 Yeah, Guillermo.

00:35:11.000 Guillermo del Toro.

00:35:12.000 He wrote a book called The Strain, and I read the book.

00:35:15.000 It wasn't that good.

00:35:16.000 It started off really good. 0.96

00:35:18.000 It started off like, wow, this is a crazy-ass vampire movie. 0.94

00:35:20.000 This is really suspenseful. 0.66

00:35:22.000 But then towards the end, it was almost like he was just trying to finish it.

00:35:25.000 And then the guy jumps out of the car.

00:35:27.000 The guy kills him.

00:35:27.000 It was really bad.

00:35:29.000 Towards the end, it's almost like he was trying to jam...

00:35:32.000 A six series book, or a two or three series book rather, into one book.

00:35:37.000 So it dies.

00:35:39.000 But they're going to do something with that.

00:35:40.000 They're going to make that some sort of a big event. 1.00

00:35:43.000 But at least he's a murderous, evil fucking vampire. 1.00

00:35:46.000 And then he runs, you know, like takes over New York City. 1.00

00:35:50.000 It's pretty crazy shit. 0.99

00:35:51.000 But it just ends bad. 0.98

00:35:53.000 Maybe if they can fix the ending.

00:35:54.000 But in the writing, in the script, maybe it was creatively directed.

00:35:58.000 And they did a good job with it, but the writing was kind of clumsy at the end. 0.95

00:36:02.000 But what is it about people that are fucking obsessed with vampires? 0.95

00:36:06.000 Out of all the animal monsters, all the things to be worried about in the world, why would it be vampires? 0.99

00:36:12.000 It's not that they're obsessed.

00:36:13.000 It's the hot thing right now.

00:36:15.000 In two years, this vampire thing will be gone. 1.00

00:36:17.000 Twilight, those two fucking half a fags will be dead somewhere. 1.00

00:36:20.000 I'm telling you, I think it's going to keep going. 1.00

00:36:23.000 You know why I think it's going to keep going?

00:36:24.000 Sex in the City.

00:36:25.000 I didn't understand Sex in the City.

00:36:27.000 I couldn't believe that.

00:36:28.000 I mean, I watched it a couple times. 0.95

00:36:30.000 I'm like, yeah, it's kind of a cool show, but it's not just that people like it, but they go fucking crazy for it. 0.85

00:36:37.000 Girls love it. 1.00

00:36:38.000 They respond to it.

00:36:39.000 It resonates in them in a way that a guy can't understand.

00:36:43.000 To a guy like you or I, you watch it, you go, that's a funny show.

00:36:46.000 But to them, it's like a movement.

00:36:48.000 It's like something that validates them. 0.99

00:36:50.000 This fucking movie, the last one when they went to Dubai, I saw more people get fired up about going to see Sex and the City. 0.99

00:36:56.000 Did you see it? 1.00

00:36:56.000 No. 1.00

00:36:57.000 You saw it, though.

00:36:58.000 Right.

00:36:58.000 We talked about that.

00:36:59.000 Was it terrible?

00:37:00.000 No, it's not bad.

00:37:00.000 It wasn't bad.

00:37:01.000 It's not bad.

00:37:02.000 It's not alright.

00:37:02.000 I seen the first one on cable when the second one came out.

00:37:05.000 I was in a hotel room.

00:37:07.000 It wasn't bad, guys.

00:37:09.000 I think what that is...

00:37:10.000 And then Joey called me and we talked about it for two hours.

00:37:12.000 That's the kind of resonating entertainment for women that Twilight is for young girls. 0.89

00:37:19.000 Not just young girls.

00:37:20.000 Women in their 30s are in Twilight. 0.98

00:37:21.000 Yeah, women in their 40s are in Twilight. 1.00

00:37:23.000 There's a romantic aspect to the vampires.

00:37:27.000 There's something in the writing.

00:37:28.000 I know how we can do it. 1.00

00:37:29.000 We can kill vampires today, guys. 1.00

00:37:30.000 We make a movie about vampires that cheat. 1.00

00:37:36.000 Vampires are cheaters. 1.00

00:37:37.000 I don't want to be an asshole. 1.00

00:37:38.000 I never watch any movies. 1.00

00:37:40.000 They eat baby and they suck cock. 1.00

00:37:41.000 They don't even suck blood. 1.00

00:37:43.000 They just suck cock. 1.00

00:37:44.000 What is the whole thing of Twilight? 1.00

00:37:47.000 There's a family of vampires and they try not to eat people because they're nice.

00:37:50.000 But why are the women in love with them? 1.00

00:37:52.000 Because they don't cheat.

00:37:53.000 Vampires don't cheat.

00:37:54.000 He's super romantic.

00:37:56.000 If you read the book, it's all about him being really romantic.

00:38:00.000 He's this guy that lived hundreds of years ago. 1.00

00:38:02.000 Meanwhile, he's a fucking pedo. 1.00

00:38:03.000 He's banging some high school chick. 1.00

00:38:05.000 The whole thing's kind of creepy when you think about it. 0.99

00:38:07.000 The guy's fucking 300 years old and he's hanging out with some 17-year-old chick. 1.00

00:38:11.000 What the fuck do you have to say to a chick who's 17 when you're 300? 1.00

00:38:14.000 My problem is the chick in that movie. 1.00

00:38:16.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:38:17.000 What the fuck do you have to say? 1.00

00:38:19.000 The biggest problem in those movies is the chick, though. 1.00

00:38:21.000 She chose somebody that's dead instead of somebody that just turns into a dog once in a while, but he's alive. 0.99

00:38:26.000 Could you imagine if that chick was trying to talk to you about some stupid new song that was out? 1.00

00:38:29.000 Like, oh my god, I love this song. 1.00

00:38:30.000 He'd be like, bitch, I was around when they didn't have cars. 1.00

00:38:34.000 Do you understand that? 0.98

00:38:36.000 There was no photographs when I was born. 0.99

00:38:38.000 My friends had a fucking triangle. 0.99

00:38:40.000 That was it. 1.00

00:38:40.000 You want to come talk to me about an organ? 1.00

00:38:42.000 We used to find our way across oceans by staring at the stars. 1.00

00:38:46.000 What do you want to talk to me about, you stupid fuck? 1.00

00:38:49.000 He would just kill her and eat her. 1.00

00:38:50.000 He wouldn't be able to take that bullshit. 1.00

00:38:52.000 300-year-old man talking to a 17-year-old girl. 1.00

00:38:54.000 You're 44 years old.

00:38:56.000 Can you talk to a 17-year-old?

00:38:58.000 You could talk to her like she's a nice kid.

00:39:00.000 Like, so what do you want to do when you get out of college?

00:39:02.000 So what are you thinking?

00:39:03.000 Well, that sounds cool.

00:39:04.000 Yeah, well, that's a child. 0.86

00:39:05.000 This guy's banging her. 1.00

00:39:07.000 This is a stupid-ass fucking movie. 1.00

00:39:10.000 The premise is absolutely, completely ridiculous. 1.00

00:39:13.000 It would have been way better if it was a grown woman in her 20s or 30s or something, gets divorced, branches out of her own, meets a vampire, falls in love. 0.97

00:39:20.000 That would work. 0.99

00:39:20.000 This fucking high school chick, he's going to high school and he's banging a 17-year-old and no one thinks that's crazy. 0.99

00:39:27.000 Forget about the fact that he's even a vampire. 1.00

00:39:29.000 He's interested in her.

00:39:31.000 She's fascinating to him. 1.00

00:39:32.000 It's a fucking baby. 1.00

00:39:33.000 It's a baby. 1.00

00:39:35.000 Imagine how young a 17-year-old girl is to you.

00:39:38.000 You're 44. What the fuck would it be if you were 300? 1.00

00:39:41.000 You know? 0.99

00:39:42.000 I mean, what are you talking to her about? 0.99

00:39:44.000 What would my balls look like if I was 300? 1.00

00:39:46.000 That motherfucker can speak Latin, and he's talking to the 17-year-old girl. 1.00

00:39:49.000 And if you were 300 years old, you'd be fucking black chicks by then, you know? 1.00

00:39:52.000 You'd be done with the white race altogether. 1.00

00:39:54.000 You'd be like fucking... 1.00

00:39:57.000 Why does that happen with so many older Italian guys? 1.00

00:40:01.000 Like De Niro type guys?

00:40:05.000 Bill Maher's all black too. 1.00

00:40:07.000 They just go, fuck white bitches. 1.00

00:40:09.000 I'm tired of it. 1.00

00:40:10.000 I'm tired of it.

00:40:11.000 You don't want to get freaky?

00:40:12.000 You want to complain? 1.00

00:40:14.000 You don't want to shake that ass. 1.00

00:40:15.000 Hey, you're not down for the party? 1.00

00:40:17.000 Get the fuck out. 1.00

00:40:18.000 Go, go. 1.00

00:40:18.000 I'm done. 1.00

00:40:19.000 I'm done.

00:40:19.000 Alan Thicke's all black, too, I heard.

00:40:21.000 Alan Thicke? 1.00

00:40:22.000 Alan Thicke is a cool motherfucker. 0.99

00:40:24.000 Dude, he gets it on the side. 0.99

00:40:25.000 We had Alan Thicke on Fear Factor.

00:40:29.000 He did Celebrity Edition. 0.99

00:40:30.000 That dude is funny as fuck. 0.98

00:40:32.000 Smooth, professional, always got a smile on his face. 0.99

00:40:36.000 One-liners just coming left and right totally naturally.

00:40:39.000 I was kidding about Alan Thicke.

00:40:40.000 Hilarious.

00:40:41.000 Hilarious.

00:40:41.000 What'd you say?

00:40:42.000 I was kidding about that Alan Thicke thing.

00:40:43.000 Oh, you didn't make up something about it.

00:40:45.000 Hey, look, what about this chick that went around the world on the raft? 1.00

00:40:48.000 Fill me in. 0.99

00:40:49.000 Fill me the fuck up. 1.00

00:40:50.000 Dude, you know, we need to quit letting these stupid young chicks get on rafts just because they want to break records. 1.00

00:40:55.000 There has to be, like, laws against this. 1.00

00:40:57.000 They had to save her and they put her back on the boat. 1.00

00:40:59.000 Yeah, it's fucking retarded. 1.00

00:41:01.000 That's what Farmville is for, chick. 1.00

00:41:03.000 Well, you know what, man?

00:41:04.000 It's irresponsible of our parents, man.

00:41:06.000 It just flat out is. 1.00

00:41:07.000 There's no way you can have your shit totally together at 16 years of age. 0.99

00:41:10.000 There's no way. 1.00

00:41:11.000 You should be allowed not just out there living in an apartment by yourself or staying in a hotel room by yourself, unsupervised.

00:41:19.000 You might be a little bit naive about the way the world works. 0.98

00:41:23.000 You might not have ever been fucked over. 0.99

00:41:24.000 You might not truly understand how... 0.99

00:41:27.000 Deceptive people can be.

00:41:28.000 You shouldn't even let your 16-year-old be by herself in a big city. 1.00

00:41:31.000 You're going to let her out in the ocean, you crazy fuck? 1.00

00:41:34.000 You're going to let her get on a boat. 1.00

00:41:35.000 Now, where'd this start?

00:41:36.000 It started right here?

00:41:37.000 She's apparently like a really good boater. 0.99

00:41:39.000 Oh, what location?

00:41:40.000 I don't know.

00:41:41.000 Is it starting to count?

00:41:42.000 And then where's she going from?

00:41:43.000 I don't know.

00:41:43.000 She's on the ocean by herself.

00:41:44.000 I just want to know where it started and where it's supposed to be.

00:41:46.000 I was just looking pictures of her.

00:41:48.000 Yeah, I just want to know where it starts, where it ends.

00:41:50.000 What's the story, Brian?

00:41:52.000 16-year-old girl, right?

00:41:53.000 16 year old girl lost see butthole Lost see butthole Two words?

00:42:02.000 Two holes.

00:42:05.000 First one.

00:42:06.000 Now click on images and let me know if there's a butthole. 1.00

00:42:12.000 By the way, have you seen that Miley Cyrus, Perez Hilton shit that blew up? 1.00

00:42:15.000 This is high-level internet geek shit that Brian is throwing at you. 0.99

00:42:19.000 Brian probably does this with every story in the news. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Always adds a butthole at the end. 0.95

00:42:22.000 I just want to see who gets it. 0.98

00:42:24.000 Who gets the first butthole. 1.00

00:42:26.000 Someone will put up a Goatsy and attach it somehow with tags, and it will be on Google Images, and he'll hack his way to the first position.

00:42:32.000 Absolutely.

00:42:33.000 You know what happened with my girl, Miley Cyrus?

00:42:34.000 Yeah, so Perez Hilton was showing Miley Cyrus' vajayjay on his website.

00:42:41.000 He I don't know who took the picture. 1.00

00:42:57.000 Now, the picture is fucking vagina, whatever her name is, Miley Cyrus' vagina, and people are, like, saying, you know, that's child porn, she's 17, and stuff like that. 0.99

00:43:07.000 So then, there was, like, this whole movement showing the other pictures from that day, like, you know, minutes or seconds before, and it shows her having underwear on. 1.00

00:43:16.000 Now, Perez went on his website saying today, hey, that's not a real picture, blah, blah, blah, it's been photoshopped, blah, blah, blah.

00:43:24.000 Right, right, so...

00:43:25.000 But then you go to what would Tyler Durden do, www.tdd.com, and there's pictures of her from the same shoot where it doesn't show the underwear.

00:43:32.000 Like, you can't see the underwear anymore.

00:43:34.000 So you think the underwear was photoshopped on? 0.98

00:43:36.000 So now it's doing that whole shit when Britney Spears people did this too. 0.99

00:43:39.000 They're fucking putting fake photos out to cover up fake or real photos. 0.98

00:43:43.000 Right, so that Snopes or something grabs it and looks at it and goes, oh, here's her. 1.00

00:43:47.000 That's not really her vagina. 1.00

00:43:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:43:48.000 And people love to do the opposite, right? 0.99

00:43:51.000 It's Perez's people probably too.

00:43:53.000 Well, they should be.

00:43:54.000 He's pretty web-savvy, right?

00:43:55.000 I mean, he owns a giant website. 0.99

00:43:56.000 Yeah, but even if you put up a photo of a fake vagina on a 17-year-old, I believe it's illegal. 1.00

00:44:01.000 Absolutely, it's illegal. 0.51

00:44:03.000 Well, that's why, on the board, the mods have pulled pictures down many times, where it was girls that even just looked like they were under 18. You know, because you don't want to get caught with that kind of shit, man. 1.00

00:44:14.000 That's some serious, serious, serious shit. 1.00

00:44:16.000 Even just, like, a fake picture of a young girl's pussy can get you locked up. 1.00

00:44:21.000 You know, you can get in a lot of problems. 1.00

00:44:23.000 Prez is a fucking retard, dude. 1.00

00:44:25.000 When he used to make fun of Adam Sandler's kid and doing all that bullshit, that's just, you know, that dude just needs to be shut up. 1.00

00:44:31.000 He would benefit from three years in jail, I think. 0.99

00:44:33.000 Well, that's why that dude beat him up in the black eyed peas, whatever.

00:44:36.000 That's embarrassing enough. 0.95

00:44:37.000 Listening to him afterwards was so ridiculous when he was sitting on the couch going... 0.95

00:44:41.000 Violence is never the answer. 0.97

00:44:42.000 Oh my god.

00:44:43.000 Yes it is. 1.00

00:44:44.000 You need the fuck beat out of you. 1.00

00:44:46.000 You want to fuck with people? 1.00

00:44:47.000 People are going to hit you in the head, stupid. 1.00

00:44:49.000 The only thing that protects you from that is the law. 1.00

00:44:51.000 That's it.

00:44:52.000 Human beings want to pass that.

00:44:55.000 They want to just find their way around that.

00:44:56.000 They want to cause you pain.

00:44:57.000 You know why?

00:44:58.000 Because you're putting out a lot of negative energy.

00:45:00.000 You know what I want to see?

00:45:01.000 Jonathan Lithgow and Perez in a bathtub, him choking him out from behind.

00:45:05.000 I want to see that.

00:45:05.000 Do you think that he would struggle?

00:45:07.000 No, I think he would just let it go.

00:45:08.000 Let it happen. 0.99

00:45:09.000 Do you think his butthole would open up like a flower? 1.00

00:45:11.000 Like a fleshlight. 1.00

00:45:12.000 And just lock a hole in the Lithgow's body and pull him into his asshole? 1.00

00:45:16.000 Like a garbage disposal? 1.00

00:45:18.000 His butthole's got fucking shark teeth in it and shit, just grinding up. 1.00

00:45:22.000 He was so fucking disgusted at Perez's home, bro. 1.00

00:45:24.000 He is so fucking disgusting as a human being. 1.00

00:45:27.000 I look at him, I don't get it, man. 1.00

00:45:28.000 His whole sight is set up to be mean to people.

00:45:31.000 And some of it's funny.

00:45:33.000 I think some of what he says is funny.

00:45:34.000 But, I mean, I think we could all benefit from a little less negativity in the world.

00:45:38.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00

00:45:39.000 The negativity, the mean shit. 1.00

00:45:42.000 The mean shit doesn't make me laugh. 1.00

00:45:43.000 You know, when he shits on people's kids being ugly or calls certain women ugly, you know, you don't like the way they look? 1.00

00:45:48.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:45:49.000 You know? 1.00

00:45:49.000 Unless you're saying something really funny, you shouldn't shit on them like that. 1.00

00:45:53.000 Shit on things they can't control, what their fucking kids look like. 1.00

00:45:56.000 Like, really? 1.00

00:45:56.000 That's just negative. 1.00

00:45:58.000 And the people that enjoy that are cunts. 1.00

00:46:00.000 They're cunts. 1.00

00:46:01.000 The people that don't feel bad when someone's shitting on someone's kids, like, whoa, really? 1.00

00:46:06.000 Because they're ugly? 1.00

00:46:07.000 Man. 0.98

00:46:08.000 What was he saying about Sandler's kid?

00:46:10.000 He was just that it was ugly and blah blah blah and making fun of how she looked.

00:46:13.000 A kid!

00:46:14.000 Not Adam Sandler.

00:46:16.000 His kid. 0.98

00:46:16.000 I just think he's probably had a lot of people fuck with him in his life and he's probably got a lot of pent up hostility. 0.98

00:46:22.000 If I had to guess. 1.00

00:46:23.000 I can't wait to one of those locked up fucking rappers who don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:46:28.000 That's what happened. 1.00

00:46:29.000 The Will.i.am thing, they were so lucky that that was outside.

00:46:32.000 Yeah, but Will.i.am pulled his head.

00:46:33.000 That ain't enough.

00:46:34.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:46:34.000 It wasn't Will.i.am.

00:46:35.000 It was another dude. 0.99

00:46:36.000 It's because, you know what, Will.i.am said, you know, I'm a fucking artist. 0.99

00:46:41.000 Like, respect me. 0.98

00:46:41.000 I'm an artist. 0.98

00:46:42.000 And he goes, you're not a fucking artist. 1.00

00:46:43.000 You're a fucking faggot. 1.00

00:46:45.000 And someone went, oh no! 1.00

00:46:47.000 Bam! 1.00

00:46:48.000 This fucking hand came out of nowhere and clips him. 1.00

00:46:50.000 I mean, the dude barely got hit. 1.00

00:46:53.000 Okay, it was a scratch.

00:46:54.000 A tiny little scratch.

00:46:55.000 Violence.

00:46:55.000 It was nothing.

00:46:56.000 And he's screaming the next day, violence is never the answer!

00:47:01.000 I mean, it was like another version of Leave Britney Alone. 0.98

00:47:04.000 It was so ridiculous. 0.98

00:47:04.000 Yeah, it was like that. 0.98

00:47:05.000 And I wonder if he was thinking like, oh my god, I'm going to do this Britney thing.

00:47:08.000 I'm going to be so scary! 1.00

00:47:11.000 I think every person at one point in their life needs to get their ass kicked. 0.99

00:47:15.000 You know, I get my ass kicked all the time in jujitsu, and I think that is very good for you. 1.00

00:47:20.000 It's very humbling to get your ass kicked. 1.00

00:47:22.000 And when dudes have never experienced the frustration and anger of another dude on them, taken out in a physical form, if you've never experienced that, you're going to talk a lot of stupid shit. 1.00

00:47:32.000 You know, you're going to get mean to people for no reason. 1.00

00:47:34.000 You're not going to be civil when you can be.

00:47:36.000 You have the option to be a nice person.

00:47:38.000 You're choosing not to be. 0.99

00:47:39.000 And you're making it a pain in the ass for all the rest of us. 1.00

00:47:41.000 And someone's going to punch you in your fucking head. 1.00

00:47:44.000 Alright? 1.00

00:47:44.000 And if no one's around, you're fucked. 1.00

00:47:47.000 Okay? 1.00

00:47:47.000 If no one's around and they find you and you've been mean to people for no fucking reason, talk shit on someone's kid, they might kick you in the dick. 1.00

00:47:54.000 Or they're going to cover their whole kitchen with plastic and when he's going inside the kitchen, he's going to come up from behind him with a syringe into the neck and he's going to wake up covered up in Well, you know, he's part of that movement, dog. 1.00

00:48:04.000 That fucking guy is part of that movement where they say shit to you, and they think they're cool, and then when you smack them, they down 9-1-1. 1.00

00:48:11.000 That's 90% of these motherfuckers now. 1.00

00:48:13.000 There's a living in it, though. 1.00

00:48:14.000 See, there's a living in it.

00:48:15.000 People enjoy it. 1.00

00:48:16.000 They enjoy all this mean shit, and that's what the problem is. 1.00

00:48:19.000 The problem is, and I'm as guilty of it as anyone. 1.00

00:48:22.000 I'm not saying that I'm above this in any way, shape, or form, because I'm definitely not.

00:48:26.000 I'll go to those sites. 0.99

00:48:27.000 I'll pick up Us Weekly if I'm taking a shit. 0.99

00:48:30.000 I see an Us Weekly. 0.99

00:48:31.000 I'm like, alright, who's fucking up? 0.98

00:48:32.000 Who's doing something mean? 1.00

00:48:34.000 Who's an asshole? 1.00

00:48:35.000 Who's getting sued? 1.00

00:48:36.000 I draw cum coming out of your mouth all the time. 1.00

00:48:38.000 Oh, how rude! 1.00

00:48:40.000 But you know what I'm saying?

00:48:41.000 I mean, it's just...

00:48:42.000 There's a part of us that likes getting upset at people. 1.00

00:48:47.000 There's a part of us that likes going, fuck you, you fucking loser. 1.00

00:48:49.000 You posted before... 1.00

00:48:50.000 There's a guy on Twitter.

00:48:52.000 You posted before that I was going to come up.

00:48:54.000 Everybody put some nice stuff on there. 1.00

00:48:56.000 One guy said, fuck you, tubby. 1.00

00:48:58.000 Of course. 1.00

00:48:59.000 But what kills me is if you're going to be a tough guy, come out of the fucking internet. 0.99

00:49:03.000 There's a million tough guys on the internet. 1.00

00:49:05.000 There's a million fucking tough guys on the internet, and when you tell them to go fuck their mother in the ass, then you never hear from them again. 1.00

00:49:10.000 See, I don't fuck around. 1.00

00:49:11.000 I tell them exactly, go light your mother's pussy on fire or whatever, and then they don't bother me no more. 1.00

00:49:16.000 There's stuff that I don't like. 1.00

00:49:18.000 There's stuff that I don't like. 0.92

00:49:18.000 That's why I don't really fuck with it that much, you know? 0.92

00:49:21.000 I got into it with a kid from my hometown on Facebook a couple fucking weeks ago. 0.99

00:49:25.000 A bible beater. 1.00

00:49:26.000 20 years ago, he was selling me quaaludes.

00:49:29.000 Now he's telling me that I shouldn't curse on Facebook. 1.00

00:49:31.000 You know, those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:49:33.000 I hate all that shit. 1.00

00:49:34.000 You want to hear some negativity on the internet? 1.00

00:49:36.000 This is a hilarious story.

00:49:37.000 And this happened this weekend.

00:49:39.000 I was in Vancouver for the UFC. And apparently, I got in an elevator with some dude.

00:49:45.000 And the dude didn't say hi to me or nothing, but he said I gave him this look like I didn't like him or like a, you know, like back the fuck off look.

00:49:54.000 And then he says that he said, take care guys, and then we said nothing. 1.00

00:49:58.000 And then he left the elevator like, wow, Joe Rogan's a fucking asshole. 1.00

00:50:01.000 So he goes online and makes this whole thread about me being in an elevator with him, and no conversation taking place at all, but me being this asshole. 1.00

00:50:09.000 Like, I'm giving him this look. 0.97

00:50:10.000 I think I'm a badass, and I got short man syndrome, and I got problems communicating with people. 0.99

00:50:16.000 It was crazy shit. 0.95

00:50:18.000 And I'm like, if I saw you, if you said something to me, anything, if you said, you know, take care, I would have definitely said, you too, man. 0.99

00:50:24.000 I always say that. 0.99

00:50:27.000 I could fucking hate you. 0.99

00:50:29.000 And if you said, take care, man. 1.00

00:50:30.000 Have a good day.

00:50:31.000 I'd be like, alright, dude.

00:50:32.000 Take it easy. 0.99

00:50:33.000 I would fucking respond to you. 0.99

00:50:35.000 I wouldn't just stand there stone-faced. 1.00

00:50:36.000 Even if I fucking hated you, I would say something. 0.99

00:50:38.000 I'm not a mean person. 1.00

00:50:40.000 I'm not the type of person that does shit like that. 0.92

00:50:41.000 So it was either one or two things happened. 0.99

00:50:43.000 Either he...

00:50:44.000 Said it and I didn't hear it.

00:50:45.000 Or I responded like, alright dude, take care.

00:50:47.000 And he didn't hear that.

00:50:49.000 Either one.

00:50:49.000 And the dude was high.

00:50:50.000 That was the other thing.

00:50:51.000 So he was probably a little bit paranoid.

00:50:53.000 And a little bit starstruck. 1.00

00:50:54.000 But he makes this crazy fucking thread. 0.98

00:50:57.000 And then I tell him, you know, I get on and I said, hey, I'm sorry you had a bad experience. 0.99

00:51:00.000 But it was probably a misunderstanding.

00:51:02.000 I'm a nice guy.

00:51:03.000 If you're nice to me, if you're not retarded, you know, and you're cool to me, I'm going to be cool to you back. 0.94

00:51:07.000 I try to be cool to everybody.

00:51:08.000 I mean, it was just a misunderstanding.

00:51:10.000 Well, the thread, he says, alright, cool, man, sorry, no big deal.

00:51:13.000 Well, the thread keeps going on and on and on.

00:51:14.000 And he keeps commenting on it.

00:51:17.000 Like, he keeps going back to it and back to it.

00:51:18.000 Like, I did something to him.

00:51:20.000 And then finally I come back and I go, listen, man, I go, you're out of line.

00:51:22.000 I go, nothing happened.

00:51:23.000 You're making this thread about a conversation that didn't take place.

00:51:27.000 Do you understand?

00:51:27.000 We didn't even say a word to each other.

00:51:28.000 Like, this is crazy.

00:51:29.000 You're still going on about this.

00:51:30.000 And then he comes back. 1.00

00:51:32.000 Fuck you, I'm out of line, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

00:51:34.000 Wow. 1.00

00:51:35.000 You fucking short man syndrome. 1.00

00:51:37.000 You're like one of those chachis that wear those tight shirts and you walk around like you're a fucking badass. 1.00

00:51:41.000 How crazy is that? 0.99

00:51:43.000 And I'm like, wow.

00:51:43.000 Well, he can't back down now.

00:51:45.000 He has to pick on or not.

00:51:47.000 But this was crazy.

00:51:47.000 This is out of nowhere.

00:51:49.000 I'm not saying anything negative to this dude.

00:51:51.000 I'm saying he's out of line.

00:51:52.000 That's all I said.

00:51:52.000 But you were four other guys.

00:51:54.000 You were in the elevator with three other people?

00:51:55.000 No, me and Eddie Bravo. 0.99

00:51:57.000 So who the fuck is he anyway? 0.99

00:51:59.000 I'm on the phone before, on the way here. 0.99

00:52:02.000 I stop.

00:52:02.000 I'm talking to somebody, and the next thing you know, somebody comes up to me.

00:52:05.000 No, excuse me.

00:52:06.000 I would never come up to somebody, but that's the new tread.

00:52:09.000 I'm here, and you're Joe Rogan, so you have to say something.

00:52:12.000 I don't think it was that.

00:52:13.000 This is what I think it was.

00:52:14.000 I think he was a little high, he was a little paranoid, and I think he's a little sensitive.

00:52:18.000 And, you know, sometimes people think that people think they're better than you. 1.00

00:52:21.000 And that fucking sucks. 1.00

00:52:22.000 Nobody wants to be around someone. 1.00

00:52:23.000 If I'm around someone, like an actor or someone, and they get douchey, I'll say something stupid to them. 0.99

00:52:28.000 You know, if I'm around some asshole actor, it's one of the reasons why I don't like being around actors. 1.00

00:52:31.000 A lot of them play fucking games. 1.00

00:52:33.000 They say stupid shit to you. 1.00

00:52:34.000 They say, like, I was on a set with this one guy once, and we were about to do this scene, and I'm just being cool with him. 1.00

00:52:39.000 Like, alright, dude.

00:52:40.000 And he's about to walk away, and he goes, you have almost no hair.

00:52:43.000 And he walks away.

00:52:44.000 I go, what?

00:52:45.000 I go, what did you say?

00:52:45.000 Nothing.

00:52:46.000 And he just walks away. 0.99

00:52:47.000 He said something to try to fuck with my head before I did the scene. 0.99

00:52:51.000 Like picking on my hair for falling out. 0.99

00:52:53.000 So then I saw him the next day.

00:52:56.000 And it was still in my head. 1.00

00:52:58.000 And he started to try to fuck with me again. 1.00

00:53:00.000 And then I just said something to him like, dude, don't fucking get stupid with me. 1.00

00:53:05.000 Don't play little insult games for me. 1.00

00:53:07.000 I go, you and I will never have a real conversation ever again.

00:53:09.000 You know why? 1.00

00:53:10.000 Because you're a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:53:11.000 I was nice to you. 1.00

00:53:12.000 And you came with this.

00:53:14.000 It wasn't like a joke.

00:53:15.000 It was like he said something, like a little slightly insulting thing, and then walked away.

00:53:19.000 I mean, you could say that like, dude, your hair's falling out. 1.00

00:53:22.000 I'm like, fuck you, you ugly bitch. 1.00

00:53:23.000 You got a mirror? 1.00

00:53:24.000 And we could be joking with each other and we could be friends. 0.99

00:53:26.000 But when I know that someone's trying to fuck with me, like why are you doing that? 0.98

00:53:29.000 This isn't funny. 0.99

00:53:30.000 Like you're trying to be shitty with me. 0.94

00:53:32.000 That happens with actors all the time. 1.00

00:53:35.000 With actors, you're always dealing with a little psychological bullshit. 0.99

00:53:39.000 They're all fucking tweaked out and freaked out because they don't create anything. 0.99

00:53:42.000 They have to have someone come to them with scripts and ideas and pick them and choose them. 0.96

00:53:47.000 It's like the only art form where somebody has to pick you so you can perform. 1.00

00:53:50.000 If you're a fucking musician, you do your goddamn music. 1.00

00:53:53.000 You make your own shit. 1.00

00:53:54.000 You're a comic, you write your own jokes. 1.00

00:53:56.000 If you're an actor, you have to sit around and wait for someone to give you a role. 0.99

00:53:59.000 I guess you could put together your own shit and throw it up on YouTube if you want to get crazy. 0.99

00:54:03.000 I ran into something that goes along this whole line a couple days ago. 1.00

00:54:08.000 This guy I know wrote something to a friend of mine that was so fucked up. 0.97

00:54:13.000 So I took a screenshot of it. 1.00

00:54:15.000 He wrote, You're a dirty fucking whore. 1.00

00:54:17.000 Your tits look like shit. 1.00

00:54:19.000 Obviously you're desperate for attention. 1.00

00:54:21.000 Get a life.

00:54:21.000 Three minutes later he wrote, You are so desperate for your attention.

00:54:24.000 Your tits you post look like shit. 1.00

00:54:26.000 You're a funny girl who is lonely. 1.00

00:54:28.000 So, this guy, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? 0.98

00:54:30.000 And I'm like going, somehow he has a connection with Opie and Anthony, not really sure how yet. 0.99

00:54:34.000 But then I go through it, and he has this fucking envelope where it has his full address. 0.91

00:54:38.000 And so, Dexter style, I googled his address, fucking took a picture of his house, and on another Twitter account, sent it to him, and goes, that's a very rude thing to say. 0.96

00:54:47.000 Now he deleted all those posts and stuff like that. 0.94

00:54:50.000 Oh my god.

00:54:52.000 That's how you do it. 1.00

00:54:53.000 You fucking tweet them. 1.00

00:54:54.000 His latest tweets have been, I feel really sick. 1.00

00:54:57.000 I've never been this sick in my life.

00:54:59.000 Wow. 0.97

00:55:00.000 You freaked him the fuck out. 0.67

00:55:01.000 Yeah.

00:55:02.000 And it's so crazy because he has his pictures and his whole Twitter is a real Twitter.

00:55:06.000 He's a family guy.

00:55:07.000 He has a daughter.

00:55:08.000 He's a son.

00:55:09.000 And I'm thinking, how do you do this when you have a daughter?

00:55:11.000 Dude, that's so sad.

00:55:12.000 But I'm really interested to find out what his connection to the Open Anthony show is because he has all these shots from in the studio with Jim Norton, blah, blah, blah.

00:55:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:55:18.000 You can find out.

00:55:19.000 I know.

00:55:20.000 You got pictures of him and everything?

00:55:21.000 Oh yeah, I'm looking at it right now.

00:55:23.000 Okay.

00:55:23.000 We'll send it to Anthony.

00:55:24.000 Anthony can tell us, or Jimmy will tell us.

00:55:26.000 Yeah.

00:55:27.000 Wow. 0.97

00:55:27.000 Crazy people. 0.97

00:55:28.000 So this guy, I got on afterwards, and he goes back and forth and starts bringing up a video of me being an asshole to some guy from like nine years ago. 1.00

00:55:36.000 It's proof that I'm a douchebag. 0.99

00:55:37.000 I'm like, you're trying to distract from our conversation. 0.97

00:55:40.000 We didn't have a conversation.

00:55:42.000 Nothing took place and you made this whole thread about it.

00:55:45.000 Now you're screaming and swearing at me and insulting me.

00:55:48.000 This is craziness.

00:55:49.000 Do you understand this?

00:55:50.000 And so he actually came on and apologized.

00:55:52.000 And then I came on and said, it's all good.

00:55:54.000 No harm done. 0.99

00:55:55.000 It's just, I think, it sucks. 1.00

00:55:57.000 The fucking thread, by this time, everyone's piling on. 1.00

00:56:01.000 Everyone's like, you, insecure piece of shit. 1.00

00:56:03.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

00:56:04.000 What are you, crazy? 1.00

00:56:05.000 Like, so many people are saying the guy's crazy. 1.00

00:56:07.000 And a few people are saying, I met Joe Rogan, he's a douchebag. 0.99

00:56:10.000 Some of them are, like, making up stories. 0.99

00:56:12.000 Like, he told this fighter not to sign my autograph, which is just fucking complete horseshit. 0.94

00:56:16.000 So anyway, the dude, he apologizes, and I say, it's all good. 0.95

00:56:20.000 You know, I think that we all learn. 0.99

00:56:24.000 It doesn't feel good to hear people say you suck and to hear people call you a piece of shit and criticize you, but it's good because when you realize that you're having a negative effect on people, it makes you think, what is this effect that I'm not seeing? 0.99

00:56:37.000 I'm thinking I'm doing the right thing. 1.00

00:56:38.000 I'm thinking I'm living my life.

00:56:39.000 What am I doing that's making people so upset with me?

00:56:42.000 What is it?

00:56:42.000 Is it real?

00:56:43.000 What is it?

00:56:45.000 Is it a jealousy issue?

00:56:46.000 Is it an alpha male issue?

00:56:49.000 Am I being too insensitive?

00:56:52.000 What is it?

00:56:53.000 I think it sucks to admit that we all have little issues, but being criticized, especially online, I think it accelerates your social development.

00:57:02.000 Because it makes you a little bit more aware of what a bunch of anonymous people really, truly feel about what you say.

00:57:07.000 You don't get that too much in real life.

00:57:10.000 In real life, there's a lot of people that, especially until the internet came around, they could bullshit their way through. 0.99

00:57:16.000 You could bullshit your way and charm people, but you can't fucking charm anonymous douchebags on the internet. 1.00

00:57:21.000 Anonymous douchebags on the internet will go, fuck you, you fucking hack, you suck. 1.00

00:57:26.000 You know, you're nothing. 1.00

00:57:27.000 You're a loser. 1.00

00:57:28.000 You're going to die like that. 1.00

00:57:30.000 Like, they'll go after you, man. 1.00

00:57:31.000 They'll go after you.

00:57:32.000 But you develop two things.

00:57:34.000 One, you develop a thick skin from that where, like, it doesn't hurt anymore.

00:57:38.000 Now it just feels weird.

00:57:39.000 It's like, what is this guy doing?

00:57:40.000 Why would you think of that?

00:57:41.000 What would...

00:57:42.000 Make you do something like that in the middle of the day.

00:57:44.000 You gotta have hate.

00:57:45.000 There's gotta be something wrong with you.

00:57:47.000 So what?

00:57:47.000 I got on an elevator with a guy.

00:57:48.000 Having a good day, guys.

00:57:49.000 They didn't hear me or whatever.

00:57:50.000 I get off.

00:57:51.000 I go home.

00:57:51.000 It's like the people who go to comedy clubs and write a letter saying that you insulted them.

00:57:56.000 That you wrote a joke or you said something on stage. 0.99

00:57:58.000 What would make you go home and write a fucking letter about your experience at a comedy club? 0.99

00:58:03.000 Free tickets. 0.99

00:58:04.000 Well, here's a lady that wrote a... 1.00

00:58:06.000 Did I ever tell you the time that a lady wrote about my retarded Jesus joke?

00:58:10.000 Remember my Retired Jesus joke?

00:58:11.000 I had a joke about cloning because there was a group called the Second Coming Project.

00:58:16.000 In the Second Coming Project, they were going to take some DNA from the Shroud of Turin or some other religious artifacts and try to clone Jesus. 0.67

00:58:24.000 And they thought that that would be the bringing back of the Messiah.

00:58:27.000 That would be the Second Coming.

00:58:28.000 It would actually be through science and that they would clone Jesus.

00:58:31.000 And so I wrote this joke about, well, you know, cloning has not been perfected yet.

00:58:35.000 Like, Dolly the sheep, she had all sorts of genetic issues, and she died young.

00:58:39.000 And, you know, that was, like, considered a success. 1.00

00:58:41.000 There's a lot of failures, I'm sure, that we never heard about that were, like, horrible genetic disasters and fucking monsters and shit. 0.99

00:58:47.000 I'm like, what if they clone Jesus and the first one comes out retarded? 1.00

00:58:52.000 I mean, that's possible. 0.99

00:58:53.000 They have Down Syndrome.

00:58:54.000 What do they do? 0.93

00:58:54.000 Do they kill it? 0.93

00:58:55.000 Do they start from scratch? 0.97

00:58:57.000 Or do they just go?

00:58:58.000 Yeah.

00:58:59.000 Maybe it's a test.

00:59:00.000 It's a test.

00:59:00.000 He's testing us.

00:59:01.000 Instead of turning water into wine, he turns like dog shit into cookies. 1.00

00:59:05.000 And I had this whole thing where they were following Jesus everywhere. 1.00

00:59:08.000 He was like, I want to go to the park today!

00:59:10.000 They're like, don't you think we should heal the sick or help?

00:59:13.000 No, no, no.

00:59:14.000 The park.

00:59:15.000 So they were on the park waiting for him to come up with, you know... 1.00

00:59:18.000 The fucking answer to humanity. 0.99

00:59:20.000 Well, this woman got so mad. 1.00

00:59:22.000 She got so mad. 1.00

00:59:22.000 She wrote this fucking... 1.00

00:59:23.000 I thought it was really funny about it. 1.00

00:59:25.000 She said, not only did he tell this horrible joke, but when the audience didn't respond, he insisted on talking about the same subject instead of moving on.

00:59:36.000 She was upset that I wouldn't move on.

00:59:39.000 Her version of comedy is you got to do what the audience wants.

00:59:42.000 You're not supposed to be coming from your own head.

00:59:45.000 You only do what they like.

00:59:47.000 It's like you're a band.

00:59:48.000 They can yell out, do Hot for Teacher, and you have to sing Hot for Teacher.

00:59:53.000 I thought it was funny.

00:59:55.000 And there was people that were laughing.

00:59:56.000 That's the same woman that doesn't change the radio station when they're talking about boobs on Opian Anthem. 1.00

01:00:03.000 That's a form of retard right there. 1.00

01:00:06.000 Well, it's also a person who's very self-righteous because she thinks that she can get away with telling people what to say and what not to say. 0.72

01:00:12.000 You don't have to like comedy.

01:00:13.000 You don't have to like my comedy.

01:00:15.000 It's not for everybody. 0.99

01:00:16.000 But just either shut up or leave. 1.00

01:00:18.000 Don't fucking get angry. 1.00

01:00:20.000 Don't yell shit out at me because she's yelling out at me to stop. 1.00

01:00:23.000 Stop! 1.00

01:00:25.000 I'm talking about your fake guy. 0.99

01:00:27.000 Sorry, I'm talking about a fake, retarded guy that I made up. 1.00

01:00:30.000 That's killing you? 0.92

01:00:32.000 Remember one of the first videos I filmed for you was I was sitting behind a guy and he was getting so upset while watching your show.

01:00:40.000 I was filming his legs, starting to flinch. 0.97

01:00:43.000 He was fucking looking around. 1.00

01:00:44.000 That was the Noah's Ark shit. 1.00

01:00:46.000 And then he wrote this long-page letter a couple days later. 0.99

01:00:50.000 We've had a bunch of letters.

01:00:51.000 Hey Joey, where does the phrase, when you say science, where did that originally come from?

01:00:56.000 Thomas Dolby.

01:00:57.000 Thomas Dolby.

01:00:58.000 She blinded me with science.

01:00:59.000 Science.

01:01:00.000 If you ever seen the video, the guy was our answer to the scientist on TV in England.

01:01:06.000 He's old.

01:01:07.000 If you see the video, he would just yell science.

01:01:08.000 That guy's a real, he's like our Bill Nye the science guy in the video.

01:01:13.000 So that's it. 0.99

01:01:13.000 Oh, what I wanted to talk about while we were talking about the whole Jesus thing that I almost forgot was that giant fucking statue in Columbus. 0.99

01:01:21.000 Was it Columbus? 0.99

01:01:21.000 No, it was Cincinnati. 0.99

01:01:22.000 In Cincinnati, this fucking 70-foot Jesus got hit by lightning and caught on fire. 0.99

01:01:28.000 And right across the street from it was a big billboard for the Hustler store. 0.99

01:01:33.000 I love it.

01:01:33.000 The Hustler store billboard, not a scratch.

01:01:37.000 I love the quote.

01:01:38.000 Yeah, it's like, I think it's kind of messed up, but the Hustler billboard didn't catch on fire.

01:01:42.000 That's just not right.

01:01:44.000 One guy said, my favorite quote, one guy said, I didn't expect that.

01:01:47.000 Yeah, that's what it was.

01:01:48.000 I didn't expect that.

01:01:49.000 I didn't expect that!

01:01:51.000 I thought the magic man was going to be... 0.98

01:01:53.000 I mean, the stupidest thing about it is you're not supposed to make, like, idols of Jesus. 0.95

01:01:57.000 Isn't that, like, even in the Bible? 0.99

01:01:59.000 You're not supposed to, like, make false idols.

01:02:01.000 You're not supposed to make churches.

01:02:02.000 Doesn't that say in the Bible that he'd rather have you do it under a tree than break wood or something like that to make a church or something like that?

01:02:08.000 Something like that.

01:02:09.000 I don't know.

01:02:09.000 I cannot quote the Bible.

01:02:11.000 I just can't make no money at the park.

01:02:14.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.98

01:02:15.000 I don't know a goddamn thing in it anymore. 0.98

01:02:17.000 I read it when I was younger. 0.99

01:02:18.000 When I lived in Florida, they made us read it.

01:02:20.000 They didn't make us read it, but they gave it to us.

01:02:21.000 And they gave us an opportunity to read it.

01:02:24.000 They handed out Bibles in the class.

01:02:26.000 I went from San Francisco to Florida. 0.97

01:02:28.000 And San Francisco's super liberal, had gay neighbors. 0.80

01:02:30.000 My aunt used to go next door and smoke weed with gay neighbors, and they would get naked and play the bongos together. 1.00

01:02:35.000 So I was like around all these hippies and war protest type people in San Francisco. 0.93

01:02:39.000 So I moved from there to like super religious retard Florida. 1.00

01:02:43.000 So I'm like right around retards. 0.97

01:02:44.000 And they're handing out Bibles.

01:02:46.000 And this one kid, he gets his Bible. 0.99

01:02:48.000 I swear to God, we're fucking 11, okay? 0.99

01:02:50.000 He gets his Bible. 0.99

01:02:51.000 I'll never forget this.

01:02:52.000 He goes, I likes to read the Bible!

01:02:55.000 That's what he said.

01:02:56.000 I likes to read the Bible!

01:02:58.000 And then he sits there all like crazy, like excited to be reading this book.

01:03:03.000 Like, whoa. 1.00

01:03:04.000 That fucking kid's face and what he said is burned into my head forever. 1.00

01:03:09.000 Definitely Wapner. 1.00

01:03:11.000 I went to Catholic school and I don't remember shit from that Bible. 0.97

01:03:15.000 Three, four years I went to Catholic school. 0.98

01:03:17.000 And I went to a boarding Catholic school. 0.99

01:03:20.000 It's so fucked up that people should allow anyone to push any ideology on their kids. 0.99

01:03:25.000 Everybody thinks that having your kids grow up religion is no big deal and it's good for them. 0.99

01:03:30.000 I agree to give your kids some morals and set some standards of behavior and to tell them about communicating with people.

01:03:37.000 What's important is you be positive.

01:03:39.000 You do good things.

01:03:40.000 You be a good person.

01:03:41.000 Spread out that good energy.

01:03:42.000 Spread out love. 0.99

01:03:44.000 But to have them go to any fucking super religious school, you're going to fuck their programming up so bad. 0.99

01:03:51.000 But no one is objective enough to see that. 0.99

01:03:53.000 People just want to have good kids, and they want to carry on the tradition that their family had.

01:03:57.000 It seems like religion as a child should start off in a different religion and then move on to Christianity or whatever.

01:04:03.000 It should start off as Buddhist, just teaching to be a good person, and then you get into the... 0.98

01:04:08.000 What they should do is teach you the different principles of each religion and not say either one of them is the fucking answer. 0.97

01:04:14.000 There's too many of them. 0.93

01:04:16.000 You look at all the good aspects of all the different religions and say, well, where did all this come from?

01:04:20.000 We don't know.

01:04:22.000 We don't know where it came from.

01:04:23.000 We assume it came from some wise people that got through a lot of conflict and figured out some way to live life, and then they wrote it down, and some of it makes a lot of sense even today.

01:04:32.000 But when the book that you're basing everything on includes treating women as second-class citizens... 1.00

01:04:38.000 Condoning slavery, murder, a fucking angry god who punishes people by death, and you're going to burn in a fucking fiery hell. 1.00

01:04:45.000 Come on, just shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:04:47.000 Just stop it. 1.00

01:04:48.000 You're talking goofy nonsense. 0.97

01:04:50.000 You've got to show me something. 1.00

01:04:52.000 You've got to show me a fucking YouTube clip. 1.00

01:04:54.000 You've got to show me something before I want to believe in this kind of goofy shit. 1.00

01:04:58.000 It's just silly. 0.99

01:05:00.000 In 2010, we still let that slide.

01:05:04.000 We still say, well, you know, everyone has their own freedom of religion, do whatever you want. 0.99

01:05:09.000 But if you start saying, like, stop, this is fucking completely ridiculous. 0.99

01:05:13.000 You're saying your way is the only way. 1.00

01:05:15.000 You're saying people should die if they dance. 0.99

01:05:17.000 You're saying, you know, people can't be gay and get married. 1.00

01:05:20.000 You're imposing all your bullshit on other people. 1.00

01:05:23.000 We still accept it. 1.00

01:05:24.000 In 2010...

01:05:26.000 Except at the church of what's happening now. 0.99

01:05:29.000 That's where I'm from, cocksucker. 1.00

01:05:30.000 That's the only fucking church that matters in my book. 1.00

01:05:33.000 When are we going to get past this? 0.99

01:05:35.000 When are we going to step up and say, no one knows?

01:05:37.000 No one knows.

01:05:38.000 You don't know.

01:05:39.000 Don't say you know.

01:05:39.000 You can't say you know.

01:05:40.000 If you say you know, you're crazy. 0.90

01:05:42.000 Tell me your experiences. 0.92

01:05:43.000 Tell me what happened.

01:05:45.000 Throw it in the pile.

01:05:45.000 Let's all sort this out.

01:05:46.000 You can't tell me that, you know, this is the way and you're the chosen people and just shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:05:52.000 Stop. 1.00

01:05:53.000 All your Joseph Smith and your fucking nutty Scientology. 1.00

01:05:56.000 Stop. 1.00

01:05:57.000 Stop.

01:05:58.000 It's all crazy. 0.97

01:05:59.000 And it's fucking up everything. 0.84

01:06:00.000 Because when people pretend they have the answer, it fucks up everybody else that's searching for the answer.

01:06:05.000 Because there's an option to not even think. 1.00

01:06:07.000 There's an option to, like, fuck... 1.00

01:06:08.000 Join in the search to figure out how to live the life the best way. 1.00

01:06:12.000 Let's just fucking follow what these douchebags are doing. 1.00

01:06:15.000 Were you ever religious when you were a kid? 1.00

01:06:18.000 I made my first comedian.

01:06:19.000 I got thrown out of there.

01:06:20.000 I got thrown out of there before my confirmation.

01:06:22.000 What happened? 1.00

01:06:23.000 I beat up the fucking nun in the fourth grade. 1.00

01:06:27.000 That's a story you tell on stage? 1.00

01:06:28.000 That's a true story? 1.00

01:06:29.000 That's a true fucking story. 0.99

01:06:29.000 Tell me what happened. 0.99

01:06:30.000 Tell me what happened.

01:06:31.000 I was in the fourth grade, fifth grade, and my friends, I hung out with these two little twins. 0.98

01:06:36.000 And the one kid's mother was having a baby and he wanted to call and the nun wouldn't let him fucking call. 0.98

01:06:40.000 So he's crying. 0.99

01:06:41.000 You know how twins are.

01:06:42.000 One starts crying. 1.00

01:06:43.000 The other one starts fucking crying. 1.00

01:06:44.000 They're crying. 1.00

01:06:45.000 I'm trying to learn my fucking ABCs. 0.99

01:06:47.000 And I said, just let them call. 1.00

01:06:49.000 And she's like, mind your business. 1.00

01:06:50.000 Let them fucking call. 1.00

01:06:51.000 They pay your bill. 0.99

01:06:52.000 How can you not let somebody call the hospital?

01:06:54.000 This isn't like a call to Joe Rogan.

01:06:56.000 Hi.

01:06:57.000 This is your mother.

01:06:57.000 And the nun wouldn't let them.

01:06:59.000 So I said, you know, fucking get up and go. 0.99

01:07:01.000 So she made me and the two other guys get up and wait outside. 0.99

01:07:04.000 Then she took me into the stationary closet.

01:07:07.000 And bro, she beat him up first. 0.99

01:07:09.000 And I could hear it outside.

01:07:10.000 I'm in the fourth grade.

01:07:11.000 Now my mom used to always say, you know, don't let people hit you if they hit you, whatever.

01:07:16.000 So she takes me in the closet and she turned her ring around. 0.99

01:07:19.000 And she just started hitting me, hitting me, fucking hitting me, hitting me, hitting me. 1.00

01:07:22.000 Where was she hitting you? 1.00

01:07:23.000 In the face and shit. 1.00

01:07:24.000 Oh my God. 1.00

01:07:25.000 And I could taste the blood in my lip.

01:07:27.000 And that's when I couldn't take it no more. 0.99

01:07:28.000 I just fucking grabbed her and took her around. 0.99

01:07:31.000 And I didn't know nothing. 1.00

01:07:32.000 I just held her by the fucking throat. 1.00

01:07:33.000 And I said, I'm calling my mother. 1.00

01:07:35.000 This is going to fucking stop. 0.99

01:07:36.000 Wow. 0.99

01:07:38.000 No, but here's what was crazy.

01:07:39.000 There was a disciplinarian there that walked around with a stick, and he would hit me in the leg, and his name was Jack.

01:07:44.000 He had gone to the school, and he had stayed there as a teacher's assistant, and he's the one that lit you on fire every once in a while.

01:07:50.000 He would light you on fire, you know what I'm saying?

01:07:52.000 What do you mean? 0.99

01:07:52.000 He would hit you. 0.99

01:07:53.000 He would punch you or smack you. 1.00

01:07:55.000 He would punch you. 1.00

01:07:57.000 Oprah on the chest and shit. 1.00

01:07:59.000 But if you went home and told your mother, you were kind of scared. 1.00

01:08:02.000 I just couldn't take people hitting me.

01:08:04.000 I never liked that.

01:08:05.000 So I grabbed her. 0.99

01:08:06.000 He threatened to call her.

01:08:07.000 He didn't even threaten to call the cops because I had blood coming out of my mouth.

01:08:09.000 So I said, I'm getting to the payphone.

01:08:11.000 I'm calling my mother.

01:08:12.000 She's going to come here and we're going to straighten this out.

01:08:14.000 But the funny thing is my mother came with like 20 dudes from the bar.

01:08:17.000 So we made a deal.

01:08:19.000 They couldn't expel me because I didn't do nothing.

01:08:21.000 I just protected myself. 0.99

01:08:22.000 Here's my fucking lip hanging like Chuck Liddell. 1.00

01:08:25.000 Did your mother get mad at him? 1.00

01:08:26.000 Yeah, my mother went off.

01:08:27.000 And then that's when we made an agreement.

01:08:28.000 I'm going to stay until June.

01:08:30.000 This happened in April. 1.00

01:08:31.000 So for two months, any time Jack got close to me, remember when my mother said, I'll fucking kill you, motherfucker. 1.00

01:08:36.000 So for the last two months of my fourth grade, they couldn't even say nothing to me. 1.00

01:08:41.000 And I started revolting, having other kids telling their parents now.

01:08:45.000 It's just such a joyless religion.

01:08:47.000 How can you get hit?

01:08:48.000 I don't like nobody hitting. 0.89

01:08:49.000 I could see you pulling my ear or giving me a punch to the back or something.

01:08:52.000 Going to Catholic schools, I went to Catholic school for first grade.

01:08:56.000 I was very religious when I was a little kid.

01:08:58.000 When I was a little kid, my parents got divorced when I was five.

01:09:00.000 They separated, and I was really lost, and I was really scared.

01:09:03.000 I remember thinking, like, my dad's not around anymore.

01:09:05.000 This is crazy.

01:09:06.000 It's just me and my mom and my sister.

01:09:07.000 It was very unsettling.

01:09:09.000 My mom had to work all day, and we had to be in different people's houses while they babysat us, our grandparents, whatever.

01:09:13.000 It was unsettling.

01:09:15.000 And while this was all going on, I went to Catholic school.

01:09:18.000 And it was my first year in Catholic school, first grade. 0.99

01:09:20.000 And they were so fucking mean. 0.99

01:09:23.000 Dude, I don't remember shit about first grade, okay? 0.99

01:09:26.000 I don't remember anything about being six years old. 0.96

01:09:28.000 You know what I remember?

01:09:29.000 Sister Mary Josephine at Our Lady of Chesterhova.

01:09:33.000 In Patterson, New Jersey.

01:09:34.000 I think it was Patterson.

01:09:35.000 It's Patterson or Newark.

01:09:36.000 I remember that. 1.00

01:09:37.000 I remember that fucking hellhole. 1.00

01:09:38.000 Because it was a scary experience. 1.00

01:09:39.000 Religion is very scary. 1.00

01:09:40.000 I lived there for a year, okay?

01:09:42.000 I went to that school for a year.

01:09:43.000 And in that year, I went to school every day terrified. 1.00

01:09:46.000 And every day, there was this fucking cunt, old, wasted up, used up life nun that was just evil to everyone. 1.00

01:09:52.000 Every day. 1.00

01:09:53.000 It was always yelling at you.

01:09:55.000 I would cry.

01:09:56.000 Like, I missed my mother.

01:09:57.000 Like, the first day, I cried.

01:09:58.000 Don't let him.

01:09:59.000 He's a baby.

01:10:00.000 You want to cry like a baby?

01:10:01.000 Yeah.

01:10:02.000 I was like six years old. 1.00

01:10:03.000 You're fucking crazy, man. 1.00

01:10:03.000 I was six years old. 1.00

01:10:05.000 This fucking evil cunt. 1.00

01:10:06.000 And if you didn't do your work right or you didn't listen to her or anything was wrong, she would tell you she was going to make you sit on a nail in the closet. 1.00

01:10:13.000 It was like a fucking Pink Floyd video. 0.97

01:10:16.000 Is that just East Coast religion or something like that? 1.00

01:10:18.000 Because you guys both have crazy scary... 0.97

01:10:20.000 It's Catholic nuns, bro. 0.97

01:10:21.000 It's Catholic nuns. 1.00

01:10:21.000 That's scary shit, man. 1.00

01:10:22.000 Catholic, they don't let them fuck. 1.00

01:10:24.000 When people don't get to fuck, they're not happy. 1.00

01:10:26.000 Period. 1.00

01:10:26.000 End of discussion. 1.00

01:10:27.000 Your whole life is no dick. 0.84

01:10:29.000 How are you going to be happy? 0.99

01:10:30.000 You're not going to come.

01:10:31.000 You don't come at all.

01:10:32.000 What does a guy do?

01:10:33.000 He doesn't come. 1.00

01:10:34.000 Does he fuck? 1.00

01:10:35.000 He fucks no one? 1.00

01:10:35.000 He can't even jerk off? 1.00

01:10:36.000 What kind of a life is that? 1.00

01:10:38.000 That's a horrible existence.

01:10:40.000 It's not love.

01:10:40.000 It's not passion, emotion, celebration of life.

01:10:43.000 No, it's all just do what I tell you, follow my rules, or you burn in hell. 1.00

01:10:48.000 And let me touch your cock. 1.00

01:10:49.000 There's a lot of that going on. 1.00

01:10:50.000 I was going to go back and talk to them, but the school was done.

01:10:53.000 It's in Connery, New Jersey, and I was there one time, and I was going to go over there and just talk to them, but that school was closed up. 0.98

01:10:59.000 When I got older and I started hearing stories about kids getting molested, I get fucking angry. 0.97

01:11:04.000 I got angry at my mom. 0.98

01:11:05.000 I said, how are you letting me go to school in a place where people are getting molested?

01:11:09.000 There's priests that were molesting kids.

01:11:11.000 But nobody was exposing it then.

01:11:12.000 No, nobody was exposing it.

01:11:14.000 Nobody got exposed and got covered up fast.

01:11:16.000 But there was always this thing that they deserve it. 1.00

01:11:18.000 What the fuck are they doing being altar boys? 0.99

01:11:20.000 It was like, don't you know? 1.00

01:11:21.000 There was this weird little...

01:11:22.000 Come on, why is he being an altar boy?

01:11:24.000 Maybe when they're altar boys, there was almost an excuse.

01:11:27.000 Maybe he knew and he wanted it. 1.00

01:11:29.000 It's fucking crazy! 1.00

01:11:31.000 They're monsters, man! 1.00

01:11:33.000 My religion was completely different. 0.98

01:11:34.000 There was a Starbucks there, there was a band.

01:11:37.000 It was kind of like a party. 1.00

01:11:38.000 Religion is fucking... 1.00

01:11:41.000 That's totally different. 1.00

01:11:42.000 Yeah, there's a lot of good religions that are like...

01:11:44.000 I'm Lutheran.

01:11:45.000 They become a good part of the community.

01:11:47.000 It's like a nice step-off point where everybody gets together and promises to be nice. 0.98

01:11:52.000 You promise to abide by the laws and respect your friends and you have cookouts and shit. 0.53

01:11:57.000 There's a lot of positivity in being in a church. 0.98

01:12:00.000 There's a lot of positive shit about any big community gathering where everybody agrees to be nice. 0.95

01:12:04.000 And the best way to get everybody to agree to be nice is to say that's what God wants. 0.99

01:12:07.000 There's a lot of fucking great things about church, but not the Catholic Church, bro. 1.00

01:12:11.000 That shit ain't good. 1.00

01:12:12.000 This fucking thing that's going on with the Pope, we've talked about it already on the show, but for people who don't know, the guy who's the Pope right now has been accused, and there's all this evidence that points to the fact that he was shielding child molesters. 1.00

01:12:27.000 The guy! 0.99

01:12:28.000 This guy, who's the Pope, he was protecting the church and shielding known child molesters and then putting them back in action around other kids that the guy went on to molest again.

01:12:39.000 There's people that are calling for that guy to be arrested for crimes against humanity.

01:12:43.000 Christopher Hitchens is called for people to arrest him and charge him with pedophilia or charge him with child rape or child endangerment.

01:12:52.000 That's a crime. 0.99

01:12:52.000 Whatever the fuck he did, he was involved knowingly exposed pedophiles to children to try to protect the business of the Catholic Church. 0.99

01:13:01.000 Yeah, move you to a different place and behave yourself. 1.00

01:13:03.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:13:04.000 But you didn't let nobody know.

01:13:06.000 You didn't let the church know. 1.00

01:13:07.000 You didn't let nobody know that this fucking guy likes to dress up as Peter fucking Pan. 1.00

01:13:11.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:13:12.000 You know what I mean?

01:13:13.000 I mean, hey, I don't mind. 1.00

01:13:14.000 Let's handle the fucking problem. 0.99

01:13:16.000 But don't put them in the witness relocation plan for priests and ship them up to Albany and two years from now, you got another motor station. 0.99

01:13:22.000 Then they ship them across the world to Philippines. 0.99

01:13:25.000 Then they're at home and when they do something there, they ship them to Germany. 0.73

01:13:29.000 They just keep moving them around.

01:13:30.000 Well, it's been proven now.

01:13:32.000 What is that? 0.99

01:13:34.000 What is the fucking documentary? 1.00

01:13:36.000 The documentary, the horrible one with the priest. 0.99

01:13:40.000 Hold on, I'll find it in two seconds because I got it on my iTunes.

01:13:42.000 Did you watch it?

01:13:42.000 Yeah.

01:13:43.000 I watched half of it and I couldn't watch it anymore because it was just driving me crazy.

01:13:47.000 It was just so horrible.

01:13:48.000 Deliver us from evil.

01:13:49.000 And this is all about a guy who's just his whole life.

01:13:51.000 Boys, girls, just molested him. 0.63

01:13:53.000 Molested hundreds of them. 1.00

01:13:55.000 And they just moved this motherfucker around. 1.00

01:13:56.000 They just moved him around and protected him. 1.00

01:13:58.000 Protected the church.

01:13:59.000 There's so many of them that are doing it, man.

01:14:01.000 It's not like one or two.

01:14:02.000 There's so many of them.

01:14:03.000 It's a percentage.

01:14:04.000 It's not like a small number. 0.99

01:14:06.000 You know, it's fucking terrifying. 0.98

01:14:07.000 And a lot of it is just accepted. 1.00

01:14:09.000 A lot of people just keep their fucking mouth shut. 1.00

01:14:10.000 Just avoid the creepy fucks, you know? 1.00

01:14:12.000 And then I guess, like, you know, maybe some of the kids that get sucked in are like gay kids get sucked in. 1.00

01:14:16.000 Who knows, you know? 1.00

01:14:17.000 But the whole idea behind it is ridiculous. 1.00

01:14:20.000 That these crazy assholes that don't fuck have a front row seat to God. 1.00

01:14:24.000 Like, they have the best connection. 1.00

01:14:26.000 They got God's...

01:14:27.000 You know, best cell phone number. 0.99

01:14:29.000 Like, it's fucking crazy. 0.98

01:14:30.000 They don't even get a special spot in heaven. 0.99

01:14:32.000 You know?

01:14:33.000 And we all grew up with it.

01:14:34.000 I mean, Joey can tell you.

01:14:35.000 Anybody who went to Catholic school.

01:14:36.000 Nobody went to Catholic school and had an awesome experience.

01:14:39.000 I didn't even get molested.

01:14:40.000 That's the thing.

01:14:41.000 Not even molested. 0.99

01:14:41.000 Just beat the fuck out of. 0.99

01:14:43.000 Yeah, no. 0.98

01:14:43.000 Nobody even beat me. 0.98

01:14:44.000 I think she whacked me with a ruler once, but it wasn't bad.

01:14:47.000 It was just a little slap.

01:14:48.000 You know, it wasn't anything.

01:14:49.000 Like, nobody ever did what they did to you.

01:14:50.000 And, bro, don't get me wrong. 0.76

01:14:51.000 I was fucking fueled crazy with that. 0.95

01:14:54.000 That's why they put me there. 0.98

01:14:56.000 I'm sure.

01:14:57.000 Do you understand me?

01:14:57.000 I'm sure you are.

01:14:58.000 But it wasn't for the beating that they were giving me.

01:15:00.000 Listen.

01:15:00.000 Not for that beating.

01:15:01.000 You're never allowed to beat a kid, period.

01:15:03.000 No, that was terrible.

01:15:04.000 You're never allowed to do that. 0.99

01:15:05.000 That's a crazy, angry human being that had a terrible life. 1.00

01:15:09.000 She was an angry fucking bitch. 1.00

01:15:10.000 They're all angry, man. 1.00

01:15:11.000 Sister Hysent was her name.

01:15:12.000 Sister Hysent.

01:15:14.000 Mary Hysent or something like that. 0.98

01:15:16.000 Look, dude, if you had a choice between hanging out with an old nun or hanging out with an old porn star, who are you going to hang out with? 0.96

01:15:23.000 Pretty simple. 0.95

01:15:24.000 Hang out with Nina Hartley.

01:15:25.000 I bet she's a nice lady. 1.00

01:15:26.000 I bet she has a good conversation.

01:15:28.000 I bet she's cool and friendly.

01:15:29.000 And I bet her eyebrows look really creepy.

01:15:31.000 Her eyelashes.

01:15:32.000 Her eyelashes, right? 0.66

01:15:34.000 Big crazy fake eyelashes. 0.53

01:15:35.000 That's old school. 0.73

01:15:37.000 That's the old school look.

01:15:38.000 That's a hot look back in the day.

01:15:40.000 But you know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:15:41.000 It's just an unfortunate choice to waste your whole life in a non-loving, non-friendship-oriented sort of a situation like that based on a bunch of fucking silly, crazy old rules. 0.88

01:15:53.000 We need to, as a human being, the human beings as a race, we have to, as a race, get past where we're at right now and move into some new way of designing the way human beings behave and act. 0.98

01:16:04.000 And it can't be based on some nonsense.

01:16:06.000 It has to be based on just positive energy and success.

01:16:09.000 Success as a race, success as a neighborhood, success as a group of friends.

01:16:13.000 There's a way to live your life.

01:16:14.000 There's a way to be positive and there's a way to...

01:16:16.000 Figure out a way to spread the most positive energy and the way to be the most honest, the way to be the most creative and the most friendly and the most productive and the most satisfied.

01:16:25.000 There's a way to do that and it's not through religion.

01:16:27.000 It's kind of like retweeting.

01:16:30.000 Retweeting is like a little positive bump, right?

01:16:33.000 Like what you said, man.

01:16:34.000 Yeah.

01:16:35.000 Retweets and pokes.

01:16:37.000 Retweets are actually cool when someone cool retweets you.

01:16:39.000 Yeah.

01:16:39.000 I always forget to look, though, at the retweets because I use just the Twitter website.

01:16:43.000 I don't use it too much, you know?

01:16:45.000 So you have to go to like retweets, then buy.

01:16:47.000 Oh, do you go to the Twitter website?

01:16:49.000 Dude, I give up on TweetDeck and all that stuff.

01:16:51.000 It just keeps on timing out.

01:16:53.000 Yeah, it times out, but I love having all the different lines.

01:16:56.000 I love having my timeline.

01:16:58.000 I try to respond to as many of them as possible.

01:17:00.000 Some people get crazy, dude.

01:17:02.000 Some people, you don't respond to them.

01:17:03.000 They get upset.

01:17:04.000 You're like, dude, I get like a hundred of these in an hour.

01:17:06.000 There's no way I can keep them up.

01:17:08.000 When you get to like 130-something thousand people and you say something funny or say something interesting, you throw up something, I'll get like 100, 250, crazy.

01:17:20.000 If it's a crazy one, it might be a couple hundred.

01:17:22.000 You can't respond to them all.

01:17:23.000 It's impossible.

01:17:25.000 But the beautiful thing about Twitter is, even if you respond to them, it's a real quick thing. 0.99

01:17:28.000 Nobody can send you these goddamn story of their lives. 0.99

01:17:31.000 Some guy sent me some fucking material he wanted me to assess the other day. 0.99

01:17:35.000 So the guy says, I'm thinking about doing stand-up comedy, and it's a really weirdly written letter. 0.99

01:17:39.000 You tell the guy he's psycho.

01:17:41.000 And he wants me to review his comedy. 1.00

01:17:44.000 And then he just writes out his whole fucking routine. 0.99

01:17:46.000 I'm like, dude, come on, man. 0.99

01:17:47.000 I don't have the time.

01:17:48.000 I can't just sit here and review your comedy and tell you what I thought about this paragraph. 0.96

01:17:52.000 It's like fucking a two-page little email. 0.96

01:17:54.000 Dude, you just write back, send back that email and a tweet. 0.99

01:17:58.000 That's all you have to do.

01:17:59.000 That's what I've been doing lately.

01:18:00.000 All these people are sending me like, Brian, check out this documentary.

01:18:02.000 This scientist and blah, blah, blah.

01:18:04.000 I'm like, dude, write it back in 130 characters or less and I'll reply.

01:18:08.000 Yeah.

01:18:09.000 People need to learn how to edit in real life, too.

01:18:11.000 I think Twitter's awesome for that.

01:18:12.000 Yeah.

01:18:12.000 Twitter's great for jokes.

01:18:14.000 It teaches you to reply in a short amount.

01:18:18.000 To get your point across in the shortest amount of words possible.

01:18:21.000 Could you imagine being able to tell women that that's how you're supposed to talk to me from now on?

01:18:25.000 It has to be tweets.

01:18:26.000 130 words or less, lady.

01:18:30.000 Mrs. Rogan just hit me with a story the other day. 0.97

01:18:33.000 It was about chicken salad as opposed to a chicken salad. 0.99

01:18:37.000 And this fucking story took minutes. 1.00

01:18:40.000 It took minutes. 0.99

01:18:42.000 And meanwhile, I'm on the way to the gym, so I'm getting fired up. 1.00

01:18:45.000 I'm ready to fucking hit the bag and shit. 1.00

01:18:47.000 Fuck shit up, right? 1.00

01:18:47.000 So I'm all amped. 1.00

01:18:49.000 And she corners me with this chicken salad, chicken story about how, well, I always get...

01:18:55.000 The chicken salad at this place.

01:18:57.000 But today, I decided to try the chicken salad sandwich.

01:19:00.000 So, I ordered the chicken salad sandwich, but since I always get the chicken salad, they gave me chicken salad.

01:19:07.000 So I got home, and I was like, oh, it's chicken salad. 0.99

01:19:11.000 Damn it. 0.99

01:19:11.000 I wanted to try the chicken salad sandwich, and then it keeps going on. 0.99

01:19:15.000 Like, I got it!

01:19:15.000 I got it!

01:19:16.000 I see what happened!

01:19:16.000 He's on first base over.

01:19:17.000 I see what happened!

01:19:18.000 Stop it! 0.99

01:19:19.000 There's a window open.

01:19:21.000 She's somewhere in the neighborhood.

01:19:23.000 A callback.

01:19:25.000 Shiny happy jihad. 1.00

01:19:27.000 Somewhere in the fucking neighborhood. 1.00

01:19:30.000 Chicks love to just talk. 1.00

01:19:31.000 They love reassuring communication.

01:19:33.000 Some of them do.

01:19:34.000 There's rash generalization, of course. 1.00

01:19:36.000 But some of them just like to keep fucking talking, man. 1.00

01:19:38.000 They just like, keep talking. 1.00

01:19:41.000 I got an icy machine the other day, by the way, Joey.

01:19:43.000 This is a new snack for you.

01:19:45.000 I don't know if you like snow or ice.

01:19:47.000 You told me about this.

01:19:48.000 The margarita machine.

01:19:49.000 That's everything strong.

01:19:51.000 What did you drop on it?

01:19:52.000 130 or something, you said?

01:19:53.000 No, but it's great because you have this big cup of ice.

01:19:56.000 So that's like zero calories, right?

01:19:57.000 You get sugar-free syrups like root beer or grape or something like that.

01:20:01.000 It's just like those icy pops.

01:20:03.000 Remember those frozen pops at the bottom where it gets all mushy and just ice?

01:20:07.000 It's just like a whole cup of that, but there's no calories in it.

01:20:10.000 I restrict myself to one Diet Coke a week now.

01:20:14.000 Diet Coke?

01:20:14.000 Yeah.

01:20:15.000 As I'm getting older, I'm like, you've got to pay.

01:20:17.000 Okay?

01:20:18.000 Nothing is for free.

01:20:19.000 All right? 0.97

01:20:19.000 And when you're eating this stuff that tastes sweet, and it's not really sweet, and it doesn't have any calories, what the fuck is really going on? 0.97

01:20:26.000 Right. 0.98

01:20:27.000 What's going on, man?

01:20:28.000 I mean, you could tell me that Diet Coke is safe, and I'm sure it is.

01:20:31.000 I mean, I've been drinking a bunch of them.

01:20:32.000 Nothing's wrong with me.

01:20:33.000 You know?

01:20:34.000 I used to do a joke. 1.00

01:20:35.000 If you get cancer from Diet Coke, you're a fucking pussy. 1.00

01:20:37.000 You know? 1.00

01:20:38.000 But the reality is, that shit can't be good for you. 0.99

01:20:41.000 Yeah, but I mean, it's like, what do you want? 1.00

01:20:43.000 Diabetes?

01:20:44.000 Or do you want maybe ankle cancer?

01:20:46.000 Well, how about have a water?

01:20:48.000 You don't have to have a Coke.

01:20:50.000 You know, if you didn't have water, okay?

01:20:52.000 If you were just forced to drink Coca-Cola every day...

01:20:54.000 No big deal. 0.97

01:21:17.000 Water tastes fucking awesome. 0.96

01:21:19.000 We just don't think it tastes awesome because we want that goofy sugar rush. 0.98

01:21:23.000 That goofy Coca-Cola sugar rush that we're all addicted to.

01:21:26.000 That caffeine rush.

01:21:28.000 I went to Baja Fresh the other day. 0.98

01:21:30.000 I had a chicken burrito and it's a big motherfucking Diet Coke, dude. 0.98

01:21:33.000 It was giant. 0.98

01:21:34.000 I drank that thing and I was wired.

01:21:37.000 I was wired.

01:21:38.000 It was like I had a 20-ounce Starbucks.

01:21:40.000 It was a big-ass Coke.

01:21:41.000 The worst is, have you ever had...

01:21:42.000 You were really thirsty at night and you only had a Diet Coke on your nightstand and you chug it.

01:21:46.000 That's the worst The worst one is warm.

01:21:48.000 Oh, yes.

01:21:49.000 Sitting there all night.

01:21:50.000 It's like that caffeine.

01:21:51.000 Yeah.

01:21:51.000 Ugh.

01:21:52.000 Yeah.

01:21:54.000 You know what's good, man?

01:21:55.000 I got these new drinks that these dudes sent me. 0.98

01:21:57.000 If you're into energy, not an energy drink, but workout drinks, just healthy, good-for-you drinks, a lot of ginseng and shit in them. 0.96

01:22:03.000 They're called good-for-you drinks. 0.90

01:22:04.000 These guys sent me a whole case of these things. 0.97

01:22:06.000 They're fucking awesome. 0.97

01:22:07.000 They're like the best workout drink. 0.99

01:22:09.000 You know, you have Gatorade.

01:22:11.000 Gatorade is good after you work out, but it's like a little too sugary.

01:22:13.000 A little too sugary.

01:22:14.000 I did the light kind.

01:22:16.000 Oh, that's better.

01:22:18.000 I always add water to mine.

01:22:20.000 I do that with all juices, too.

01:22:23.000 Apple juice, orange juice.

01:22:25.000 Too citric for me.

01:22:26.000 Let's mix it with some water.

01:22:29.000 Hey, my dad's been...

01:22:30.000 Anyway, these people, it's good for you drinks, good, the number for you drinks.

01:22:35.000 You can find them on Twitter.

01:22:36.000 You can find them online.

01:22:37.000 Go Google them. 1.00

01:22:38.000 It's the shit. 1.00

01:22:39.000 If you're into a good workout drink. 1.00

01:22:40.000 And they support MMA. I found out about them through Shane Carwin, and I know they sent Jason Ellis some shit. 0.99

01:22:46.000 They're good guys. 0.98

01:22:46.000 Hey, dog, and now for a word from our sponsor. 0.98

01:22:49.000 Fleshlight? 0.97

01:22:50.000 Yeah, you gotta hit him again. 0.99

01:22:51.000 Hit him again. 0.98

01:22:52.000 Ladies and gentlemen, fleshlight.com. 0.99

01:22:55.000 If you masturbate, ladies and gentlemen, and I know you do, let's be real. 1.00

01:22:59.000 Wouldn't you want to fuck something that feels better than your hand? 1.00

01:23:01.000 I know I do. 1.00

01:23:02.000 Because I know when I'm masturbating, at least half of my body's saying, hey dude, you've got a dick in your hand. 1.00

01:23:07.000 And it doesn't feel as good when you're thinking about that, and you're thinking about the fact you've got a dick in your hand. 1.00

01:23:11.000 It doesn't feel as good. 1.00

01:23:12.000 So what I propose, ladies and gentlemen, is you go to fleshlight.com, you get one of these things, and you fuck it. 0.99

01:23:16.000 You've got to get past the embarrassment. 0.99

01:23:18.000 And I tell you from personal experience, because I knew about this shit, I'd heard about it on TV ads, not on TV ads, I heard about it on the internet. 0.99

01:23:25.000 I heard about people talking about, oh, Eddie Bravo told me his fleshlight story before. 0.99

01:23:28.000 He's had a fleshlight for a while.

01:23:29.000 But I was too proud to walk into a store or order one online. 0.99

01:23:33.000 I was too proud to even admit that I masturbate. 1.00

01:23:35.000 That shit's ridiculous, folks. 1.00

01:23:37.000 So my dad told me about this fucking thing that he's hooked onto right now called Resveratrol. 1.00

01:23:44.000 Resveratrol. 0.98

01:23:44.000 It's R-E-S-V-E-R-A-T-R-O-L. Yeah, it's an antioxidant, a very potent antioxidant that exists in wine. 0.98

01:23:53.000 I've been taking it for years.

01:23:55.000 He's a crazy research guy when he gets hooked on something.

01:23:59.000 It comes from plants when it's stressed by parasites or various infections. 1.00

01:24:03.000 The plants release this fucking chemical or whatever. 0.98

01:24:07.000 So people are taking this chemical and putting it... 0.99

01:24:10.000 You can go to GNC and stuff.

01:24:12.000 But then there's kinds that are mixed with other things.

01:24:15.000 But if you get it as pure as possible...

01:24:18.000 The benefits from it are, like, insane.

01:24:20.000 It's saying that, like, this is all in, like, rats.

01:24:23.000 They've found that rats have, like, cancer gone away from it.

01:24:28.000 This is the way you said that.

01:24:30.000 You said that in a foreign person. 0.71

01:24:31.000 Rats have, like, cancer gone away from it.

01:24:33.000 It blocks...

01:24:34.000 Sounds like Bas Routin.

01:24:35.000 They're saying that it will block colon cancer in humans, and it will...

01:24:40.000 Your life will be 30% more life.

01:24:43.000 You live longer.

01:24:44.000 Really?

01:24:44.000 And stuff like that.

01:24:45.000 It's also saying...

01:24:46.000 Well, isn't there a difficulty in absorption, though?

01:24:48.000 We were talking about this before.

01:24:49.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:24:50.000 I've heard that your body absorbs very little of most of the brands that you buy.

01:24:54.000 That's what...

01:24:55.000 You have to find out how pure it is.

01:24:57.000 And how do you do that?

01:24:58.000 If you look on the bottle, look to see how pure it is.

01:25:02.000 You want about 200 or 250 to 500. It goes up to 500. But look how the pure of the actual chemical of that So 250 to 500, what?

01:25:12.000 Milligrams.

01:25:13.000 Is that what it is in pills?

01:25:14.000 Milligrams?

01:25:14.000 Yeah, milligrams.

01:25:15.000 So the higher the milligram, the more pure it is?

01:25:18.000 The higher, it's just that chemical.

01:25:21.000 It's mixed with other things.

01:25:22.000 What is it mixed with?

01:25:23.000 What are the other things that they put in with it?

01:25:24.000 Oh, like grape.

01:25:25.000 It's like grape leaves and stuff like that.

01:25:27.000 Grape seed extract?

01:25:27.000 Grape seed is also an enzyme.

01:25:29.000 Have you been taking it, Brian?

01:25:30.000 I just started in two days, but my dad's been taking it for about a month now.

01:25:33.000 He says a couple things.

01:25:35.000 He said that he feels like he is just non-stop energy from when he wakes up to something that he hasn't had in years.

01:25:41.000 He also said that his hip pain, he has a bad pain, he stopped taking it for a week and his hip pain immediately came back.

01:25:47.000 He also said that his stomach is always getting full faster now.

01:25:53.000 He usually gets seconds out of dinner or something like that.

01:25:56.000 Now he says he feels full after the first time.

01:25:59.000 He's not selling resveratrol.

01:26:00.000 No, he's not. 1.00

01:26:01.000 He's an amway scam, motherfucker. 1.00

01:26:03.000 He's not, but he's somebody that when he finds something, he researches the fuck out of it. 1.00

01:26:10.000 I think if you said that whole thing in an English accent, I probably would have got online.

01:26:15.000 Yeah, but anyways, there's a whole thing that I emailed you, Joe, that you should look through.

01:26:19.000 Okay, I'll check it out.

01:26:19.000 I have some in my vitamin cabinet.

01:26:23.000 I don't know.

01:26:24.000 I never even looked at what the dosage is, though.

01:26:26.000 I mean, it says it blocks colon cancer on mice.

01:26:29.000 And that right now that they're trying to find out that...

01:26:31.000 The only problem is we're not mice.

01:26:33.000 Yeah, we're mammals, though.

01:26:34.000 We're mammals, though.

01:26:35.000 So they're looking into it, and a lot of the research they're finding is all positive.

01:26:40.000 Yeah, I'm sure there's definitely a connection with... 0.98

01:26:43.000 But there's a lot of shit that mammals can eat that we can't, and we can't, and that they can. 0.99

01:26:47.000 Like, dogs can't even eat chocolate. 1.00

01:26:49.000 You know, if you give a dog chocolate, they'll get fucked up. 0.99

01:26:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:26:51.000 It's poison. 1.00

01:26:52.000 It's poison to their stomach. 1.00

01:26:53.000 They'll kill them. 0.78

01:26:53.000 And if you give a sheep DMT, they die. 0.78

01:26:57.000 You know that?

01:26:58.000 Mm-hmm.

01:26:58.000 Sheep, there's certain types of grass that have DMT in it.

01:27:01.000 The sheep eat the grass and they just fucking fall down. 0.97

01:27:04.000 And their little feet just twitch in the air. 0.99

01:27:06.000 And they just, boom!

01:27:07.000 It explodes their brain.

01:27:09.000 If you put a snail on a Listerine strip, they melt.

01:27:12.000 Yeah, but Listerine strip's not a part of nature, son. 0.97

01:27:15.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:27:16.000 Well, if you fucking hit a monkey with a rock, he dies. 1.00

01:27:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:27:23.000 You got too much time on your hands, man.

01:27:25.000 That's all my dad. 0.98

01:27:27.000 My dad's the one that first told me, though, about Splenda, like, seven years ago, about all the bad shit about it, when people were just getting on Splenda. 0.99

01:27:33.000 He was, like, sending me reports about how the brain, like, things that's like sugar, and, like, this is seven years ago he was sending me this shit. 0.98

01:27:40.000 So he's pretty... 0.99

01:27:40.000 Splenda's Diet Coke. 0.99

01:27:41.000 The sucralose one's a weird one, right?

01:27:43.000 Splenda's Diet Coke.

01:27:44.000 Yeah, well, Splenda... 0.97

01:27:45.000 Any of those chemicals tricks the brain into thinking it's sugar, so it does the shit that it does to burn off the sugar, but it's not there, so I guess it has a lot of bad negative side effects. 0.98

01:27:56.000 It's pretty crazy. 0.95

01:27:58.000 Aspartame, there's a bunch of them now.

01:28:00.000 What's the best one?

01:28:01.000 I don't think any of them...

01:28:02.000 I think actually sugar's probably the best. 0.99

01:28:04.000 Sugar's the best fucking one. 1.00

01:28:04.000 Sugar's the best one for you. 1.00

01:28:06.000 That's why a lot of these companies...

01:28:07.000 The key is, though...

01:28:08.000 Here's the key.

01:28:08.000 You've got to exercise.

01:28:09.000 You can't just eat sugary shit, and if you're going to have one of those things, you have to have a body that can process that sugar. 0.99

01:28:15.000 You can't just be sedentary and be down in sugary drinks. 1.00

01:28:18.000 It'll fuck your whole system. 0.97

01:28:20.000 Everything in moderation, though. 0.99

01:28:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:28:21.000 There's nothing wrong with a little Coke in moderation.

01:28:24.000 The drink.

01:28:25.000 Yeah, lately I've been buying those small little mini regular codes. 1.00

01:28:28.000 What the fuck, cocksucker? 1.00

01:28:28.000 Why are you looking at me? 1.00

01:28:29.000 You know?

01:28:31.000 No, I don't drink.

01:28:33.000 You know, it's funny because I went on a Diet Coke drink for a while.

01:28:36.000 Terry bought like 95 of them at Costco.

01:28:39.000 And I stuck to my points and I actually gained weight. 0.99

01:28:41.000 And I asked Liz, she goes, you know how much fucking sodium is? 1.00

01:28:44.000 Oh yeah, you got so much water weight. 0.99

01:28:46.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

01:28:46.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:28:47.000 So now I got off them.

01:28:48.000 I just drink them when I go to a restaurant. 0.99

01:28:50.000 And even then I don't because I feel like they're going to give me the wrong batch of shit. 0.99

01:28:53.000 Right. 0.98

01:28:54.000 So I stopped, you know, because I just don't want it at all.

01:28:56.000 Right.

01:28:58.000 Yeah, I'm done. 0.83

01:28:59.000 Have you been following E3 at all this week, Joe, and seen all the new shit that's coming out with Xbox, Sony, and all that stuff?

01:29:04.000 No, I saw that they made the Xbox smaller, but what are they going to do that's really interesting?

01:29:09.000 Well, it's the new things.

01:29:10.000 They're all turning into the Nintendo Wii with the motion controllers and stuff.

01:29:14.000 But what's really cool is Sony has this one which looks like a microphone or a flashlight or whatever.

01:29:19.000 But in the game, you're in the game and then it turns your controller into a weapon.

01:29:24.000 Kind of like how CGI, they have the ping-pongs all over it and stuff.

01:29:27.000 So you're looking at yourself with a weapon and it's kind of trippy.

01:29:31.000 So that's the whole thing with the Xbox and the PS3 is that it's turning you into the controller.

01:29:36.000 But I think I'm sick of all this.

01:29:37.000 I just want to play video games.

01:29:39.000 I'm a grown man. 1.00

01:29:40.000 I don't need to be dancing around just trying to fucking... 0.99

01:29:43.000 Cast spells on dragons and stuff like that. 0.98

01:29:45.000 Right, but for a lot of people, they've lost a lot of weight.

01:29:46.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:29:47.000 For people, for young kids, I'm sure they're loving this shit. 1.00

01:29:51.000 But, you know. 0.99

01:29:52.000 Wii Fit, that Wii Fit shit, a lot of people have lost a lot of weight with that stuff. 0.98

01:29:55.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:29:56.000 And they also, Nintendo just released a new 3D Game Boy that I don't think you have to have glasses for.

01:30:01.000 Maybe you do, but I don't think you do, and they said that it's actually coming out at you.

01:30:06.000 What about, like, that's crazy, man.

01:30:08.000 What about that Microsoft thing?

01:30:10.000 There was a Microsoft thing that they were working on that was, like, it was a motion detective thing that we're going to be able to do with martial arts games.

01:30:16.000 Yeah, that's one of the things.

01:30:17.000 That's what Xbox will leave.

01:30:18.000 It's called, I forget what it's called now, Vizu or something.

01:30:21.000 I can't remember.

01:30:21.000 Hmm.

01:30:22.000 But, uh...

01:30:23.000 So that's Microsoft's version?

01:30:24.000 Which one's the better version?

01:30:26.000 I think they both have positives.

01:30:29.000 They're cheap.

01:30:30.000 They're $49 for the PS3. Do you think we're ever going to get to reality helmets?

01:30:35.000 Alternate reality helmets?

01:30:36.000 remember when they had those when they were trying to do that for a while the virtual reality that was like a big thing that someday we're going to be able to put a helmet on I don't even know if it's going to be like that when I was in Vegas I was talking to all these there was a tech conference going on there and this guy I know from San Francisco owns this whole company and he was telling me about what was big in the tech shows and he says you know the big thing that's going to be next he's like porn is kind of at a dead right now with no DVDs we talked about this three big porn

01:31:06.000 right right so 3D porn he says some of the technology he's like that's going to be big where you can just lay in bed with no pants on and you feel like the legs are wrapping around you and you're fucking sitting there with your fleshlight on and you're immersed into it like a helmet he's like that's what's going to be big He said the TVs weren't even that impressive.

01:31:25.000 He said what was impressive this year at this convention was the digital projection 3Ds. 0.64

01:31:30.000 He says that was just amazing. 0.99

01:31:32.000 So that's like some help me Obi-Wan type shit? 0.99

01:31:35.000 Kind of, yeah. 0.99

01:31:36.000 Imagine having this whole wall behind you be 3D. You're just fucking sitting there in this chair over here and you feel like you are in Lord of the Rings or whatever. 0.85

01:31:44.000 Yeah, you've got to think the next thing is going to be way more immersive. 0.98

01:31:46.000 Every step is more and more immersive.

01:31:47.000 It's going to be a wall.

01:31:48.000 The TV is going to be a wall and it's probably going to be 3D. When it moves past the flat plane, that's when it's going to get really crazy.

01:31:54.000 When somehow or another they figure out a way to bring you more into the action.

01:31:57.000 Some invention that allows you to be, like a virtual reality type of situation when you watch movies.

01:32:02.000 Well, the guy said at that convention they had a 40-inch TV that didn't require glasses. 0.65

01:32:07.000 He said it kind of sucked.

01:32:08.000 But he said he saw, just looking at it, how...

01:32:12.000 Eventually, it's going to be huge, and it's going to be 3D, so it's going to add a depth.

01:32:15.000 So you walk into your room, you could have a picture on the wall of this long hallway, and you're going to feel like that's a long hallway in your room.

01:32:21.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:21.000 There was a thing I went to at the Planetarium the other day.

01:32:24.000 It was one of those science shows where you lie on your back, and they take you on a tour of all the different astrological configurations in the sky and constellations and stuff.

01:32:32.000 And so they were taking you on this tour and all this different shit and space and everything, and I was like... 0.92

01:32:37.000 How intense is this? 0.99

01:32:38.000 The whole ceiling is a fucking screen. 1.00

01:32:40.000 And you're lying back. 1.00

01:32:42.000 It's almost like a Lazy Boy type chair.

01:32:44.000 You lie all the way back.

01:32:45.000 I fell asleep even.

01:32:46.000 I was tired when I was there.

01:32:48.000 I'm an old man.

01:32:49.000 I fall asleep at the movies. 0.99

01:32:50.000 So I'm sitting up there watching this fucking thing, and I'm like, well, this is so much more immersive than television. 0.99

01:32:55.000 That's what the next step is going to be. 0.99

01:32:57.000 It's going to be like you're going to go to the movies, but the movie's going to be like a ride.

01:33:01.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:33:01.000 It's going to be like some Space Mountain-type shit. 0.99

01:33:03.000 It's not just going to be you sitting there. 0.99

01:33:05.000 It's going to be everybody gets strapped into a seat, and you put a helmet on.

01:33:09.000 Captain EO2. Your fucking chair moves and shit, and you go on a ride through the movies. 1.00

01:33:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:14.000 I think they have similar things probably already at Disney World and stuff.

01:33:17.000 Yeah, don't they? 0.99

01:33:18.000 They suck. 1.00

01:33:19.000 And they're only for a couple minutes until the ride starts. 0.96

01:33:22.000 Oh, did you ever go on the Jurassic Park ride?

01:33:24.000 Yes.

01:33:25.000 Jurassic Park ride's a dope one.

01:33:27.000 That's one of those.

01:33:28.000 I think that's the one I'm thinking of.

01:33:30.000 It's almost all...

01:33:31.000 Old school.

01:33:31.000 No, no, no.

01:33:32.000 It's not Jurassic Park.

01:33:33.000 There was another one that they had.

01:33:34.000 That was old school.

01:33:35.000 I want to say Robocop? 1.00

01:33:36.000 Shit. 1.00

01:33:36.000 I don't know what the fuck it was. 1.00

01:33:37.000 Simpsons? 0.99

01:33:38.000 No, there was one...

01:33:39.000 Maybe it is Jurassic Park, but there was one they had at Universal Studios that was all 3D. It was all rather virtual.

01:33:46.000 You're in a chair, and the chair moves, and you go on this adventure, but it doesn't last very long.

01:33:49.000 I don't remember which one it was, but it was one of those ones where you're like, wow, someday this is going to be what movies are like. 0.98

01:33:56.000 We need a fucking 3D avatar. 0.98

01:33:59.000 We need this, rather. 1.00

01:34:00.000 A blue avatar vagina. 1.00

01:34:01.000 We need to really contact them. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Don't they need to kick that up a notch? 0.65

01:34:05.000 That would be a big seller among the geeks.

01:34:07.000 Chris, we gotta do this, man.

01:34:09.000 You gotta get in touch with James Cameron.

01:34:12.000 I'm sure he'll agree with this. 1.00

01:34:13.000 Or make a Smurfette pussy. 1.00

01:34:14.000 One of the two. 1.00

01:34:15.000 Just don't tell him it's an avatar pussy. 1.00

01:34:16.000 He won't agree to it. 0.99

01:34:17.000 There's a new Smurf movie coming out.

01:34:19.000 With little sparkles. 1.00

01:34:20.000 Have some little glitter on that pussy. 1.00

01:34:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:23.000 The new Jackass is in 3D, which is kind of gross and weird.

01:34:27.000 Did you hear about that?

01:34:28.000 Yeah, but you know what?

01:34:29.000 Here's the thing.

01:34:30.000 I have this problem where Johnny Knoxville or Bam or none of those people have been in the news at all for years, it seems like.

01:34:37.000 Now, in the last week on TMZ, they've been in the news like four times.

01:34:41.000 And I'm almost wondering if this is just all promotion for the new movie.

01:34:45.000 Yeah.

01:34:45.000 They're smart guys.

01:34:47.000 It's like, oh, you got beat up?

01:34:48.000 Isn't that what gets happened all the time?

01:34:50.000 But the problem is someone got arrested.

01:34:52.000 Someone got arrested and it's on the news.

01:34:54.000 Right.

01:34:55.000 Here's an $80 ticket or whatever for assault.

01:34:57.000 No, no, no.

01:34:58.000 It's like attempted murder.

01:34:59.000 She hit him in the head with a baseball bat. 1.00

01:35:00.000 Yeah.

01:35:01.000 This is like some serious assault charges.

01:35:02.000 Who did?

01:35:03.000 Some 59-year-old woman baseball batted Bam Marguerra outside his bar in Pennsylvania. 1.00

01:35:08.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:08.000 How much do you want to follow that shit and see what happens, what that girl finally gets? 1.00

01:35:13.000 Brian's so cynical, but so right, so right, so often. 1.00

01:35:16.000 You're right a lot, I'll tell you that, fella.

01:35:18.000 You've called a lot of fake things, and I was like, that ain't fake. 1.00

01:35:20.000 And you're like, fake, fake, it's fucking fake, you get angry, fake! 0.98

01:35:23.000 Well, what's crazy is when TMZ first announced it, they were like, he's in critical ICU condition, you know, blah, blah, it's looking bad. 0.99

01:35:28.000 And then the next thing is like, oh, just talk to Johnny Knoxville.

01:35:31.000 He said he was released earlier.

01:35:34.000 What were some of the fakes that you've called in the past?

01:35:36.000 You've called quite a few fakes where you were way ahead of the curve.

01:35:39.000 Well, there was one that there was like this really horrible fight and somebody had filmed it and it looked like the dude was punching the guy.

01:35:47.000 That fight, see, I think they added sound effects to a real fight.

01:35:50.000 They totally added sound effects to a real fight and it looked really bad because it was the same noise over again.

01:35:56.000 It was not synced up.

01:35:56.000 I blew up that video so you could see where the...

01:35:59.000 That's true, but I recognize from years and years of watching dudes get fucked up, that was real. 0.96

01:36:05.000 That guy got punted in the head when he was unconscious, and his whole body moved, dead. 0.97

01:36:09.000 You know what it was?

01:36:10.000 I don't think I ever told you.

01:36:12.000 I found out what happened about that video was actually made for one of those shocking TV things.

01:36:18.000 You know how America's Funniest Home Videos adds like, oh no, and voices and stuff to it?

01:36:23.000 They pump it up.

01:36:24.000 That's another thing, by the way.

01:36:26.000 I don't know if you guys have ever seen this.

01:36:28.000 America's Funniest Home Videos don't do it as much, but any of those send-in-your-video type shows, if you really pay attention, they don't want to pay people and stuff like that for certain things.

01:36:39.000 Most of the voices are all done by the same guy.

01:36:41.000 It's like, hey, honey, come over here and look at this.

01:36:43.000 Then you hear the same guy two videos later go, uh-oh, honey, look out.

01:36:47.000 And then you realize it's just one dude and it ruins the whole show for you.

01:36:51.000 So next time you watch one of these video shows, listen to the voices.

01:36:54.000 It's just one guy redoing all these voices.

01:36:56.000 Like, oh no, look at this.

01:36:58.000 And you can tell it's the same guy.

01:36:59.000 It's horrible.

01:36:59.000 Brian, you're ruining childhood memories.

01:37:02.000 You're crushing dreams right now, son.

01:37:03.000 Talk to me about Carlos Conduit. 1.00

01:37:05.000 What the fuck, cocksucker? 1.00

01:37:06.000 That's the real fucking wolf guy right there. 1.00

01:37:07.000 Carlos Conduit and Roy McDonald. 1.00

01:37:09.000 What a fucking fight! 1.00

01:37:11.000 Battle Royale! 1.00

01:37:11.000 That kid is a... 1.00

01:37:12.000 First of all, props to Carlos Conduit for coming back.

01:37:16.000 Absolutely.

01:37:16.000 After those first two rounds.

01:37:17.000 The first two rounds, he was getting beat.

01:37:19.000 He was getting taken down.

01:37:20.000 Hell yeah.

01:37:20.000 You know, he's getting clipped a little bit on his feet, but he tagged that kid quite a few times, too.

01:37:24.000 And the kid, you know, the kid took some big shots.

01:37:26.000 You know, a lot of people are saying, like, he can't take a punch. 0.99

01:37:28.000 I'm like, you're crazy. 0.66

01:37:29.000 Carlos Condit rocked him on the button, and he was coming forward. 0.96

01:37:32.000 I mean, no one takes good shots when they're coming forward.

01:37:35.000 You know, when you're coming forward, that's when you can get hurt.

01:37:37.000 And, you know, they had a rock-em-sock-em-roblocks fight, and then Carlos Condit pulled it out at the end, got him down, and just started blasting him with elbows, man.

01:37:45.000 Hit him with some hard left elbows. 0.99

01:37:46.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

01:37:47.000 Fucked his eye up. 0.99

01:37:48.000 And you know what? 0.99

01:37:49.000 The kid has massive class, man.

01:37:51.000 After it was over and I interviewed him, he was so classy. 0.97

01:37:54.000 Like, the way he handled it, there was no ego, no bullshit. 0.86

01:37:57.000 The kid was like, you know what? 1.00

01:37:58.000 He kicked my ass. 1.00

01:37:59.000 He was the toughest guy I ever fought. 1.00

01:38:01.000 You know, I was asking him, do you think the fight was stopped prematurely?

01:38:04.000 He was like, no, no. 1.00

01:38:05.000 He was kicking my ass. 1.00

01:38:06.000 The kid was just ultimate class and honesty and just the way he handled himself. 1.00

01:38:11.000 And he's so fucking talented. 0.92

01:38:13.000 And he's like one of the first guys, being 20 years old, he's one of the first guys that started out training MMA. That started out as a wrestler or a kickboxer or whatever. 0.98

01:38:20.000 He started out learning the whole sport all together as one thing.

01:38:23.000 So it's pretty impressive to watch that.

01:38:25.000 That kid's got a super great future.

01:38:26.000 And he did his homework on Carlos.

01:38:28.000 You know, you could tell.

01:38:29.000 What have you heard about the first fight?

01:38:31.000 The tap that wasn't.

01:38:32.000 Anything?

01:38:33.000 Are they going to redo it?

01:38:33.000 It's unfortunate.

01:38:34.000 Yeah, they're going to redo it.

01:38:35.000 They'll definitely redo it.

01:38:36.000 Dana knows the fans want to see that fight again.

01:38:38.000 That was just a mistake.

01:38:39.000 Eve Levine made a mistake.

01:38:40.000 It happens, man.

01:38:41.000 Being a referee is very hard.

01:38:43.000 What about my boy Tyson Griffin?

01:38:44.000 That was a good fight, too.

01:38:45.000 That was a great fight. 1.00

01:38:46.000 That was a great fucking fight. 0.99

01:38:47.000 That kid, Evan Dunham, is a stud. 1.00

01:38:48.000 Yeah, he is. 0.99

01:38:49.000 He's fucking good, man. 0.98

01:38:51.000 He's a great fight this week, by the way. 0.99

01:38:52.000 His stand-up is good. 0.99

01:38:53.000 His fucking jiu-jitsu is good. 1.00

01:38:55.000 How dare you? 1.00

01:38:55.000 How dare they? 1.00

01:38:57.000 In the middle of the goddamn pocket. 1.00

01:38:59.000 They shut that shit off. 1.00

01:39:00.000 That's probably my manager. 1.00

01:39:02.000 She's probably thinking about calling me to tell me that you're talking about the flashlight too much.

01:39:10.000 That was a good... 0.99

01:39:11.000 Anyway, that was a good fucking card. 0.99

01:39:13.000 There were some good fights. 1.00

01:39:15.000 What's up with Pat Berry and shit? 0.99

01:39:17.000 He broke everything? 1.00

01:39:17.000 Pat Berry broke his foot and he broke his hand. 1.00

01:39:19.000 He broke his knuckle when he punched Cro Cop in the first round.

01:39:22.000 And he dropped him.

01:39:23.000 The second punch he hit him with, he said he felt his knuckle get out.

01:39:26.000 And then he apparently broke his foot somewhere in the fight too.

01:39:28.000 His foot swole up like an elephant foot.

01:39:30.000 Pictures of it online, like he has the two feet together and one of them is like literally twice the size.

01:39:35.000 It's nasty.

01:39:35.000 What a great fight, though.

01:39:37.000 Woo! 0.99

01:39:37.000 That was fun. 0.99

01:39:38.000 That was a fun fight and a fun comeback, too.

01:39:40.000 Watching Krokop turn it on at the end and blast him and then take his back and choke him.

01:39:44.000 And then Krokop campaigned for the submission of the night.

01:39:46.000 That was a good card.

01:39:47.000 That was hysterical, yeah.

01:39:48.000 Tell him, man.

01:39:48.000 Will he call him stingy?

01:39:49.000 Yeah, I don't remember what he said, but it was pretty funny.

01:39:52.000 For him, man, I hope that's his last fight.

01:39:54.000 I really do, because he's been talking about retiring.

01:39:57.000 I hope he chooses to go out that way.

01:39:58.000 It's nice to see a guy go out on a high note.

01:40:01.000 That was a high note.

01:40:01.000 That was an awesome performance.

01:40:03.000 At the end, he addressed the crowd and addressed the Croatian fans.

01:40:06.000 And it was pretty cool.

01:40:07.000 I gave him the microphone.

01:40:08.000 And I just gave it to him.

01:40:09.000 I mean, it felt like I said something to him.

01:40:12.000 He was so proud and so happy.

01:40:14.000 And I was happy for the guy.

01:40:16.000 And the crowd was going nuts.

01:40:17.000 And everybody was happy.

01:40:18.000 And I looked down.

01:40:20.000 I saw those Croatian flags.

01:40:21.000 And I remember him talking about how many Croatian fans are going to be here in Vancouver because a lot of Croatian people live there.

01:40:26.000 And I said, do you have anything to say to your Croatian fans out there?

01:40:29.000 I see you got a lot of support.

01:40:30.000 And the crowd goes nuts. 1.00

01:40:31.000 All the Croatians go fucking apeshit. 1.00

01:40:33.000 And then I just knew I was going to give him the mic. 1.00

01:40:35.000 And he knew I was going to give him the mic.

01:40:36.000 I didn't say anything to him.

01:40:37.000 He didn't say anything to me.

01:40:39.000 I just handed him the mic.

01:40:40.000 And he took it and he just started walking and pacing and talking in his native language.

01:40:43.000 And the crowd went nuts.

01:40:44.000 It was just a beautiful ending.

01:40:46.000 If he decides that he doesn't want to compete anymore, I mean, who knows?

01:40:49.000 He might decide.

01:40:50.000 He might be saying that now because it was a lot of stress, but he'll get fired up and get back in there again because it was one of his best performances in a long time.

01:40:56.000 He looked real good, especially in that third round.

01:40:58.000 You know, when he had Barry backed up and he was nailing him with punches, he was looking sharp, dude. 0.99

01:41:03.000 He was nailing him with some fucking hands, you know? 0.98

01:41:06.000 So who knows, man? 0.99

01:41:06.000 He might decide to keep the party rolling. 0.99

01:41:08.000 And my fucking heart break. 1.00

01:41:09.000 My Liddell broke my fucking heart, man. 1.00

01:41:11.000 But it's good. 0.99

01:41:12.000 But this seems to me, it seems like it's happened like the last three fights, it's broken my heart.

01:41:17.000 I didn't know he was even going to fight again.

01:41:18.000 I was like, really?

01:41:19.000 I mean, because he's been getting knocked out.

01:41:20.000 What, the last three fights he got knocked out?

01:41:22.000 Yes.

01:41:22.000 I mean, it's like, I think it's...

01:41:24.000 Well, you know, also, you got to look at it two ways.

01:41:27.000 One way is the last four fights, actually.

01:41:29.000 You know, he had one in there with Vanderlei in between, and the Keith Jardine one actually was after the Rampage lost too, so two.

01:41:35.000 You've got to look at it two ways.

01:41:36.000 One, you've got to look at the fact that the guy is fighting top-level talent.

01:41:40.000 I mean, Rampage knocked him out.

01:41:42.000 You know, he got knocked out by Rashad, and he got knocked out by Shogun, and then he got knocked out by Ace, Rich Franklin.

01:41:48.000 So you've got to think about it.

01:41:49.000 Those are four killers, you know?

01:41:51.000 Yeah.

01:41:52.000 It's unfortunate.

01:41:54.000 Yeah, it's very hard to watch him lose like that, especially when you grow up.

01:41:58.000 Basically, I came up in the UFC watching that guy fight.

01:42:01.000 The first fight that he ever had in 1998, I was there live.

01:42:04.000 I saw him fight.

01:42:05.000 I think he fought.

01:42:07.000 I think the dude's name was Hernandez.

01:42:09.000 Noe Gonzalez. 0.85

01:42:12.000 Noe Hernandez, though, is the comedian.

01:42:14.000 Noe Gonzalez. 0.85

01:42:14.000 Noi Gonzalez is the comedian. 0.85

01:42:16.000 Noi Hernandez is the fighter, right?

01:42:17.000 The guy had real good hands.

01:42:18.000 When they said that too, I always go, what? 0.99

01:42:20.000 He fought a boxer, a real good boxer, and it was a good fucking fight. 0.97

01:42:23.000 And I'd seen a bunch of Chuck's fights. 0.98

01:42:25.000 I saw the fight that he had.

01:42:26.000 I wasn't there live, of course, but I saw the fight that he had in Brazil against Pele in Valley Tudo.

01:42:31.000 This was back when Pele was in his prime. 0.94

01:42:33.000 Pele was one of the baddest motherfucking Muay Thai guys to ever come out of Brazil. 1.00

01:42:36.000 And he's one of the guys that helped train Anderson Silva. 0.97

01:42:38.000 And he was the best shoot box guy.

01:42:40.000 Knocked out Matt Hughes with a knee.

01:42:42.000 Knocked out a lot of dudes. 0.99

01:42:43.000 He was a killer. 0.99

01:42:44.000 So anyway, Pele is fighting Chuck Liddell and he fucking head kicks him. 1.00

01:42:49.000 Ba-boom! 1.00

01:42:50.000 I mean, with a shot that would kill a normal man. 0.96

01:42:52.000 Chuck goes down, gets right back up. 0.68

01:42:55.000 He had kicked him twice in that fight and dropped him. 0.99

01:42:57.000 At the end of the fight, Chuck's on top of him, beating the fucking shit out of him. 0.99

01:43:00.000 Bare knuckle, into the netting on the bottom of the rope. 0.99

01:43:03.000 The bottom of the rope has a net, okay?

01:43:04.000 So that you can't slide out.

01:43:06.000 So you gotta get stuck in there and take your beating. 1.00

01:43:08.000 So Chuck's on top of him, just fucking punched him in the face. 0.99

01:43:11.000 I mean, it was a bare knuckle, old school, no rules war. 0.97

01:43:14.000 I mean, this is the kind of fight that that guy was involved in.

01:43:17.000 He wasn't just involved in, like, the UFC five rounds, you know, for the championship title, five-minute rounds, Nevada State Athletic Commission presides over it.

01:43:24.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

01:43:25.000 In Brazil, in the jungle, okay?

01:43:28.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:43:29.000 He's fighting.

01:43:30.000 No one in the audience has shoes on, okay? 0.99

01:43:31.000 They're fucking screaming and yelling. 0.99

01:43:33.000 Those IVC Valley tutos, those were savage fights, man. 1.00

01:43:37.000 There was always, like, brawls would break out.

01:43:40.000 Henzo Gracie got stabbed in one of those, okay?

01:43:42.000 He's fighting with Taddeo.

01:43:44.000 I think that's the guy's name.

01:43:45.000 Eugenio Taddeo.

01:43:47.000 Who's an old school luta livre guy.

01:43:50.000 And Henzo, of course, you know, old school Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Gracie family guy. 0.97

01:43:54.000 And they're fucking battling out and the lights go out, okay? 1.00

01:43:57.000 Somebody kills the fucking power. 0.99

01:43:58.000 You know, and there's a lot of speculation. 1.00

01:44:00.000 Who did it? 1.00

01:44:00.000 Maybe they thought that someone was getting their ass kicked. 1.00

01:44:02.000 Who knows? 1.00

01:44:02.000 There's a fucking crazy mad scuffle goes on. 1.00

01:44:04.000 Henzo gets stabbed, okay? 1.00

01:44:06.000 Fucking people are stabbing people in the audience. 0.99

01:44:08.000 I mean, these are the kind of fights that Chuck Liddell went through. 1.00

01:44:12.000 I mean, he did it all.

01:44:13.000 He fought in the early days.

01:44:14.000 He fought the first time in the UFC. He was wearing shoes.

01:44:16.000 He was wearing wrestling shoes kicking dudes.

01:44:18.000 You know, there was like very few rules.

01:44:20.000 You know, things were totally different back then.

01:44:22.000 And that guy's been through so much.

01:44:24.000 He's been through it all, you know?

01:44:26.000 It's just the last few guys that he fought, he's a step below, you know?

01:44:30.000 I mean, he's a step behind where he used to be. 0.77

01:44:32.000 If he was fighting lower-level competition, like, say, if they put Chuck against, say, some of the guys that fight at 205 on the Ultimate Fighter or some guys that are, like, lower-level guys that don't have the kind of stand-up that he has, he'd be fucking a lot of dudes up. 0.86

01:44:43.000 Do you think, though, that his brain just wants to go to sleep, though?

01:44:46.000 It knows that, like, hey, I know what a knockout is now.

01:44:48.000 You know, I mean, he's lost his chin.

01:44:51.000 That is what everybody says, and that is what happens with fighters.

01:44:55.000 That is what happens.

01:44:56.000 There's no getting away from that.

01:44:58.000 At a certain point in time, I mean, it happens.

01:44:59.000 Joey knows it.

01:45:00.000 It happens with football players, right?

01:45:01.000 Steve Young and whatever.

01:45:02.000 Once they got hooked on it, they never got off of it.

01:45:05.000 Yeah, when guys start getting knocked out, it's just when you've taken a certain amount of concussions.

01:45:10.000 I've seen him get hit on the side once.

01:45:13.000 He got hit on the side and he went out?

01:45:15.000 We'll talk afterwards because you're not mic'd up.

01:45:21.000 He's a legend.

01:45:22.000 He's a guy who's had a gigantic career.

01:45:25.000 When he was in his prime, he was one of the scariest guys ever.

01:45:28.000 One of the most exciting fighters ever. 1.00

01:45:30.000 When you went to see a Chuck Liddell fight, you knew that someone was going to get their fucking ass kicked. 0.99

01:45:34.000 It was going to be brutal. 1.00

01:45:35.000 He was going to smash somebody. 0.91

01:45:36.000 He was going to get a hold of you. 1.00

01:45:37.000 He was going to kick you and punch you and smash you. 0.98

01:45:39.000 I remember the first time he knocked out Randy Couture. 1.00

01:45:41.000 It was like, oh shit, he can knock out Randy? 0.98

01:45:44.000 I mean, Randy had been in there with Pedro Hizzo. 1.00

01:45:47.000 Randy had been in there with Maurice Smith.

01:45:49.000 Randy had been in there with big, strong, knockout, high-level kickboxer heavyweights.

01:45:53.000 And they hadn't knocked him out.

01:45:55.000 But to get in there with Chuck, and Chuck blasts him into orbit with one punch, it's like, the way he could knock dudes out, there was very, very few human beings that could stand in front of that guy when he blasts.

01:46:06.000 But...

01:46:07.000 Like a lot of guys who have a very particular style, once your reflexes start to go a little bit, once you've taken too much punishment, you don't have other ways to win.

01:46:18.000 The more ways you have to win, the more unpredictable you are, the more successful you're going to be.

01:46:23.000 So a guy like GSP, he doesn't even hardly get hurt.

01:46:25.000 He got hurt by Matt Serra, but he got clipped, and he says he took Serra a little bit lightly. 0.71

01:46:31.000 But if you're the type of guy that nobody knows what the fuck you're going to do, whether you're going to shoot and go for a takedown, or whether you're going to stand and bang if you're cautious, but you know when to attack and when to move, you've got to be always one step ahead. 0.72

01:46:42.000 It can't just be running there and brawling. 0.99

01:46:45.000 And Chuck was so fucking good at running there and brawling. 0.99

01:46:47.000 He had such a good chin. 0.99

01:46:49.000 He was such a good counterpuncher.

01:46:51.000 You know, he kind of based his whole style on that.

01:46:53.000 And because of that, he was one of the most successful guys and one of the most exciting guys.

01:46:58.000 But, you know, that's not the style that allows you to keep going deep into your 40s.

01:47:02.000 Like, Randy Couture, he's got a safer style. 1.00

01:47:05.000 Like, he stands with guys, but he just wants to get a hold of your ass. 1.00

01:47:07.000 He wants to get a hold of your ass, press you up against the cage, beat the fuck out of you, kick your knees. 1.00

01:47:12.000 Kick your legs, knee you in the legs, elbow you, punch you, get that dirty boxing going, and then hopefully get your ass on the ground, beat the shit out of you down there, and then choke you. 1.00

01:47:20.000 That's how Randy's rocking it these days, especially in the Coleman fight. 1.00

01:47:24.000 Whoa, that's loud.

01:47:25.000 In the Coleman fight, you get to see him in the Coleman fight.

01:47:29.000 He had a totally different strategy.

01:47:30.000 Beat Coleman standing up and then took Coleman down.

01:47:32.000 Choked him.

01:47:33.000 You know, he's diversifying. 1.00

01:47:35.000 Adding more shit to his game. 0.99

01:47:36.000 I think if Chuck had done that in his fight, he would have been, you know, a lot better off. 0.99

01:47:39.000 But I think he hits so fucking hard and he's, you know, he's so used to blasting guys and has so much success that it just feels good to him. 0.99

01:47:46.000 Once it starts going, he just chases these motherfuckers down. 1.00

01:47:48.000 Chases these motherfuckers down. 1.00

01:47:50.000 He wants to blast them. 1.00

01:47:51.000 But Franklin caught him with that really well-timed right hand, and he caught him over-committing.

01:47:55.000 So Chuck was moving forward, and he just catches him with that counter.

01:47:59.000 So even though it didn't look like the hardest punch in the world, Rich is a hard puncher, and Chuck was moving forward.

01:48:05.000 And so it was a hard shot, man.

01:48:06.000 It busted open his lip.

01:48:08.000 Did you see what his lip looked like?

01:48:09.000 It looked bad.

01:48:10.000 A big, big cut.

01:48:11.000 So it wasn't like...

01:48:13.000 You know, a shot that shouldn't have dropped him.

01:48:15.000 That shot could have dropped anybody.

01:48:16.000 That was a hard shot.

01:48:18.000 I think two years ago it wouldn't have dropped him.

01:48:20.000 I think it would have rattled him a little more.

01:48:22.000 Maybe.

01:48:22.000 I think he's gotten this in his head.

01:48:24.000 You know, when I had the sleep apnea at first, when you first have an extreme, you wake up like this, Joe.

01:48:30.000 So, what happens is, every time you lose your breath, when I was 400 pounds, every time I'd chase you or walk and I'd lose my breath, my body would go into anxiety.

01:48:40.000 That's why I had to go to acupuncture.

01:48:41.000 So your body would start thinking about the trauma that you've had in the past.

01:48:44.000 When you have sleep apnea, you wake up choking.

01:48:47.000 You wake up on your feet going like this.

01:48:51.000 You know, grasping for air.

01:48:52.000 So every time I ran out of air for a long time, even on planes.

01:48:56.000 There was just a connection.

01:48:57.000 Just a connection in your head.

01:48:59.000 Okay, so there's that.

01:49:00.000 And then on top of it, just the raw data that we know about people that take concussions.

01:49:04.000 You know, you cannot take too many concussions.

01:49:06.000 No, you don't want to.

01:49:08.000 Yeah, you don't want to.

01:49:09.000 You know, they're putting a finger in it.

01:49:10.000 Like I told Eddie, Eddie goes, well, Sakuraba came back and he just started covering himself.

01:49:14.000 I go, the way Chuck is right now, somebody will just hit his hand and he can hit himself and knock himself out.

01:49:19.000 That's how sensitive that switch is.

01:49:21.000 And it's a shame.

01:49:22.000 I'm his biggest fan.

01:49:23.000 Well, he took a couple shots before that.

01:49:24.000 Yeah, no, no.

01:49:25.000 He took some shots before that.

01:49:26.000 But not right there, bro.

01:49:27.000 He took one to the head.

01:49:29.000 He took one not right there.

01:49:30.000 I'll have to go back and watch the fight again.

01:49:32.000 But I remember him getting clipped a couple of times.

01:49:33.000 Yeah, he got clipped a couple of times.

01:49:35.000 I heard the whole place smelled like weed.

01:49:36.000 Was that true?

01:49:37.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:49:38.000 When I went to the bathroom, I went to go take a leak, and as I was running back to the bathroom, it just stunk of weed in this one area.

01:49:43.000 And it's the same area where dudes were stealing dudes' hats. 1.00

01:49:46.000 That was a story.

01:49:47.000 They stole two hats. 1.00

01:49:47.000 These guys were baked as fuck. 1.00

01:49:49.000 They kept snatching hats off people's heads. 1.00

01:49:51.000 As they would walk through the tunnel on the way to the arena, their music's on, they got their hat on, they were focused, and dudes were just snatching dudes' hats off.

01:49:58.000 And there's all these animated GIF files online of the guys doing it, and it's Hilarious. 1.00

01:50:03.000 It's the same guy and they got these big stupid shit-eating grins on their face like, ah! 1.00

01:50:07.000 That's awesome. 1.00

01:50:08.000 And the funniest one is when he tries to get Martin Kampman's hat and he just misses.

01:50:13.000 He just misses.

01:50:14.000 And Kampman walks by and you see the guy like, You gotta retweet that later.

01:50:18.000 Oh yeah, I will.

01:50:19.000 I'll find the link.

01:50:20.000 The funniest material I heard all week was the son of Sarah Palin.

01:50:24.000 He's losing his mind just like Sarah Palin.

01:50:26.000 Who's the son of Sarah Palin?

01:50:27.000 Chael Sonnen.

01:50:28.000 Oh, Chael Sonnen?

01:50:29.000 The son of Sarah Palin.

01:50:30.000 You know Chael Sonnen, he stole an Aziz Anasari joke?

01:50:33.000 He was like doing one of his speeches about Anderson Silva and his manager and he did an Aziz joke.

01:50:39.000 That's awesome.

01:50:40.000 Boom! 0.99

01:50:41.000 He called the Noguerra Brothers.

01:50:42.000 But he got busted on that.

01:50:43.000 You can't do that.

01:50:44.000 One is a punching bag, and the other one I'm not worried about.

01:50:47.000 Wow. 0.99

01:50:49.000 And he said that Noguerra's black belt, you get a McDonald's and a gift set or whatever, the happy meal or some shit. 1.00

01:50:54.000 He's the best shit talker by far. 1.00

01:50:56.000 He's a fucking nice guy too, man. 1.00

01:50:58.000 When you talk to Chael Sonnen outside, he's a fucking funny, nice guy. 1.00

01:51:02.000 He's just real good at talking shit. 1.00

01:51:03.000 shit. 1.00

01:51:03.000 He's a politician. 1.00

01:51:04.000 And he can fucking fight, dude. 0.99

01:51:06.000 This is a lot of this buffoonery and all this emotions that he's charging up. 0.99

01:51:10.000 Man, this is all like...

01:51:11.000 There's...

01:51:12.000 Look, you think about what Damien Maia got mad or got Anderson mad at.

01:51:16.000 Damien Maia...

01:51:16.000 This is what he said.

01:51:17.000 He said, I respect Anderson as a fighter.

01:51:18.000 I don't respect him as a person. 0.99

01:51:20.000 Whatever the fuck that means to Anderson. 0.99

01:51:21.000 Why? 0.99

01:51:22.000 I don't know.

01:51:22.000 But that made him crazy.

01:51:24.000 He got so angry. 0.99

01:51:25.000 And so we've never seen Anderson standing in front of a guy yelling and screaming at him, calling him rich boy and, you know, show me your jiu-jitsu and swearing at him, saying all these different swears, and then just beating his ass and mocking him. 0.92

01:51:37.000 Never seen Anderson do that before to anybody. 0.98

01:51:39.000 And Damien Maia is generally known as a really nice guy and respectful guy and a martial artist, but that one statement, whatever the fuck it meant, threw him into a tizzy.

01:51:47.000 What is going to happen when he gets in the cage with Chael Sonnen? 0.99

01:51:50.000 Chael Sonnen has talked so much shit about them making sacrifices to pygmy gods and fucking all kinds of nonsense. 1.00

01:51:58.000 He's going fucking nuts over there. 1.00

01:52:00.000 He's going crazy. 1.00

01:52:01.000 He doesn't stop.

01:52:02.000 He doesn't stop.

01:52:02.000 That's our Palin's son, Doug.

01:52:04.000 His Twitter is just rampant with it. 1.00

01:52:06.000 His Twitter is all like him talking shit about Anderson. 0.99

01:52:09.000 I'm going to follow him. 0.99

01:52:10.000 I have not even seen this.

01:52:11.000 Thank you for opening up my eyes.

01:52:13.000 He does these question and answers.

01:52:14.000 I missed the one he did in Vancouver.

01:52:16.000 I missed the other one before that, but everybody was talking about it. 0.99

01:52:19.000 He said it was the funniest fucking Q&A by far. 0.97

01:52:21.000 It's on my Facebook. 0.99

01:52:22.000 Somebody said this.

01:52:23.000 Peter Fogel, the guy at Willie Barcena, broke his nose, emailed it to me.

01:52:26.000 Well, he just did another one.

01:52:28.000 He just did another one.

01:52:29.000 Okay, this is the one from Friday.

01:52:30.000 So this is his second Q&A. He's done two of them so far, pumping up the Anderson fight.

01:52:33.000 Dude, he's fucking hilarious. 0.99

01:52:35.000 But he fucked up when he stole that Aziz Anasari joke. 1.00

01:52:37.000 The internet is not going to let him ride that out. 0.95

01:52:39.000 Have you been to a website called Wolfram Alpha?

01:52:43.000 Yeah, we were going to talk about this.

01:52:45.000 Wolfram Alpha, for people who aren't aware of it, is this project where they're trying to take the next step after Google.

01:52:50.000 And it's trying to be a website, literally, that you ask it a question, it gives you an answer.

01:52:54.000 It's so cool because I put in my birthday in the weather, and I got the exact temperature when I was born to the exact hour.

01:53:03.000 I got the lows, the highs during the day, the cloud cover, the population of Columbus at that time, the humidity, the pressure, the winds.

01:53:10.000 I got so much shit that if I was with Doc from Back to the Future, I could totally get to the right second of the day that I needed to go back in time with, you know? 0.54

01:53:18.000 This would give you the information for that. 0.98

01:53:20.000 You know, it's really funny that you just brought that up and that you're talking about this because there was a subject that was on the message board the other day that I thought was really interesting.

01:53:26.000 There's this new scientific discovery that they found where they do believe that it's possible that the universe might be far older than 14 billion years.

01:53:34.000 That's what they think it is now.

01:53:35.000 They think it's like 150 billion.

01:53:37.000 And it's just this small group of scientists and, you know, astronomers that have this possibility in their head.

01:53:44.000 And, you know, it hasn't been sold yet entirely.

01:53:47.000 But when you start thinking about stuff like that, people, there was like an argument on the board.

01:53:51.000 And the argument was, there's some things about the universe you're never going to be able to know.

01:53:55.000 It's pointless to even try.

01:53:56.000 You're never going to know when the universe began. 0.98

01:53:58.000 How the fuck do they know that?

01:54:00.000 How do you know that you're not going to ever be able to know? 0.98

01:54:02.000 If our understanding is constantly increasing, what we know today is so much more advanced than what we knew just 100 years ago, or 200 years ago, or 300 years ago. 0.98

01:54:11.000 A couple hundred years ago, to get around, you had to be on a fucking animal.

01:54:15.000 You wanted an image of someone, you had to draw it. 0.98

01:54:17.000 There was no cameras.

01:54:18.000 Think about that.

01:54:19.000 That's just a couple hundred years ago. 0.91

01:54:21.000 We don't know what the fuck kind of innovation is going to come up a couple hundred years from now or a couple thousand years from now.

01:54:26.000 It might very well be possible that not only can we decipher exactly how the universe began, but we're probably going to be able to get an accurate map of the history of the planet from the very beginning to now, much more detailed, much more precise than we have today.

01:54:43.000 day we're probably going to be able to recreate or encapture every single moment of every single day of every single hour that that's ever existed that's it's all very possible man they're going to get crazier and crazier with time they're going to get crazier and crazier with with breaking down like the the quantum mechanics of the universe you know when you start getting into like you know the crazy subatomic particles that disappear and reappear and exist in two different places at the same time or in a superposition and these things that they don't understand

01:55:10.000 well as you get more and more understanding and know more and more about the weirdness of the world we're going to be able to figure out how to fucking decipher it you know And it might be that like a time machine, when they invent a time machine or something like that, or whatever the fuck you want to call this next stage of understanding of matter, when they invent it, the idea of a time machine is the only way you're going to be able to travel back in time is once the first time machine is invented.

01:55:33.000 So they're going to invent a time machine, and you can't go before that, but what you can do is anything from that will be able to come back to that point.

01:55:39.000 So everything that exists from now until whenever, you can access it as soon as they invent a time machine.

01:55:46.000 Why not? 0.95

01:55:47.000 Why fucking not? 1.00

01:55:48.000 Shit's going to get crazy. 1.00

01:55:49.000 If you can do this, nobody would have ever thought you could be able to do this. 0.99

01:55:52.000 If you talk to someone in Shakespeare's day and say, do you think there's ever going to be a time where I take something out of my pocket and through the air I ask it a question.

01:56:02.000 Wolfram Alpha, you can't do that.

01:56:03.000 You can do that with Google.

01:56:05.000 You could Google Voice it.

01:56:07.000 What year did the Sistine Chapel get built?

01:56:09.000 Bam! 0.98

01:56:09.000 They tell you instantly. 0.98

01:56:10.000 And if it gets to a point, and it's got to, if they've got to Google it, if it gets to a Wolfram Alpha point, you can ask it a question, you can give it any answer, or it can give you any answer on any question of anything that's ever happened, ever, that human beings are aware of.

01:56:23.000 And you'll have all the information right there. 0.99

01:56:25.000 If you told that to people that lived in Shakespeare's day, they would have told you you're out of your fucking mind. 0.99

01:56:28.000 It's going to get crazier than this. 1.00

01:56:31.000 It has to because everything gets crazier. 0.99

01:56:32.000 What the fuck is next? 0.99

01:56:36.000 Sometimes I just drive in my car and I sit in traffic and I go, what the fuck is next? 0.99

01:56:40.000 Is there going to be some crazy new thing that's going to change everything? 0.99

01:56:43.000 Are we in a race between human beings figuring out what the next thing is, the next crazy innovation is, or us just completely fucking everything up with polluting the fucking ocean and nuclear explosions and wars and all that other crazy shit? 0.99

01:56:59.000 Are we in a race between human retarded chimpanzee instincts and technology? 1.00

01:57:05.000 You ever thought about it like that? 0.98

01:57:07.000 When we talk about this peak oil documentary that we watched we thought was bullshit, but the idea of peak oil is a terrifying idea if it was true, and if there was a finite amount of oil and they do bust into it and then we're fucked and we have no oil, things could get really crazy. 0.92

01:57:22.000 That is really possible. 0.86

01:57:24.000 But are they going to come up with something that's going to replace that and make everything better and make everything even more advanced and more simple and more natural to the environment?

01:57:33.000 Are they going to figure that out first?

01:57:35.000 Or are we going to run out of supplies and resources first?

01:57:38.000 Is that a battle?

01:57:39.000 Is it a battle between the human, retarded, monkey, chimpanzee behavior of take, take, take, don't think about the future, and technology and innovation and the ability to harness matter? 0.98

01:57:47.000 I think whatever happens is not going to happen during our lifetime.

01:57:50.000 You don't think so?

01:57:51.000 No.

01:57:51.000 I think something crazy is going to happen.

01:57:53.000 We've got 20 more fucking things that are going to happen in a lifetime. 0.99

01:57:55.000 20 years ago when you were finger banging that chick behind Boulder, Boston High School. 1.00

01:57:59.000 Do you think there was going to be a milkshake thing with a pussy in it? 1.00

01:58:04.000 Shake up for your arm. 1.00

01:58:05.000 It does. 0.99

01:58:06.000 It's not the same shit. 0.99

01:58:07.000 Guys, every year we get something new technology. 0.99

01:58:09.000 Every year.

01:58:10.000 Every year.

01:58:11.000 And there's going to be...

01:58:12.000 What do you think the reaction is going to be to all this oil in the ocean?

01:58:15.000 There's got to be a reaction.

01:58:17.000 There's going to be innovation.

01:58:18.000 It's a horrible, horrible disaster.

01:58:19.000 Hopefully Jersey Shore doesn't come West Coast.

01:58:22.000 That's all I... You know, I mean, hopefully, like, what if Jersey Shore and the whole East Coast beach gets destroyed, and all those people for summer vacations want to come to the West Coast this summer? 0.55

01:58:31.000 It might be fucking hard. 0.92

01:58:32.000 They won't fucking do it. 0.99

01:58:33.000 That's too much of a drive, bro. 0.99

01:58:34.000 Those jerseys need to go from fucking point A to point A. The problem with that show is there's so many people like that, and now they think they can be famous, too. 0.98

01:58:42.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:58:42.000 You know, they can get on a fucking Jersey Shore, bro. 0.99

01:58:45.000 I'm fucking auditioning for that. 1.00

01:58:47.000 I'm fake tanning every day. 0.98

01:58:48.000 Have you been to Glendale lately?

01:58:49.000 No.

01:58:49.000 Oh, dude, Glendale's off the hook now.

01:58:51.000 The Persian, yeah, the Persian. 1.00

01:58:53.000 Oh, fuck, bro. 1.00

01:58:54.000 It's all Armenian. 1.00

01:58:55.000 Have you ever seen that dude Psycho Mike from K-Rock in L.A., the thing that he did, the video about Glendale?

01:59:01.000 No.

01:59:01.000 Dude, it's hilarious.

01:59:03.000 I love it.

01:59:03.000 It's all Armenians and Glendale.

01:59:05.000 I forget the fucking bit. 0.99

01:59:06.000 It's a really, really funny song. 1.00

01:59:08.000 Dude, it's ridiculous. 0.68

01:59:09.000 There's one place I go to called Sushi Joint. 0.94

01:59:14.000 It's this strip mall that has outdoor stores, and there's a sushi place, but all the stores are fashion outlet, and then the windows are all black, and stuff like that, and then the next thing is something else.

01:59:28.000 But what's weird is if you go by there at 2 in the morning, none of those places are open, but yet every single car, there's like 100 cars in the parking lot. 0.94

01:59:36.000 It's like, what the fuck is going on? 0.93

01:59:38.000 That's how Glendale is. 1.00

01:59:40.000 Everywhere you drive, you see these fake Rug stores and shit. 0.99

01:59:43.000 It's Party Like an Armo. 0.99

01:59:45.000 Party Like an Armo.

01:59:47.000 That's the song, apparently.

01:59:48.000 I'm going to watch that later.

01:59:52.000 Yeah, somebody sent...

01:59:53.000 I think Opie... 0.99

01:59:54.000 I think that's the video.

01:59:55.000 I think Opie from Opie and Anthony Twittered the other day nature's little fleshlight and it was a monkey using a frog to whack off like a fleshlight.

02:00:03.000 Yeah, I've seen that before.

02:00:03.000 Yeah, that's an old school video, but it is a funny video.

02:00:06.000 The monkey fucks that frog's mouth. 1.00

02:00:09.000 That's what monkeys are down for. 1.00

02:00:10.000 They're down for rape and shit. 1.00

02:00:12.000 You know, we think about those chimps as, like, BJ and the Bear. 1.00

02:00:15.000 We think they're all cute and shit. 1.00

02:00:16.000 Then you find out about, like, that chimp that ate that lady's face. 1.00

02:00:18.000 And that other chimp that fucked that dude up and ripped his balls off and ripped his feet off. 1.00

02:00:23.000 Chimps eat babies, man. 1.00

02:00:24.000 There's been recorded instances of chimps stealing babies and eating them. 1.00

02:00:29.000 What the fuck, Joe Rogan? 1.00

02:00:30.000 Why you gotta bother me with this shit? 1.00

02:00:32.000 We're sitting here having a good time like gentlemen. 1.00

02:00:35.000 You gotta talk to me about chimps eating babies? 1.00

02:00:36.000 What the fuck kind of dinner table conversation is this, cocksucker? 1.00

02:00:41.000 He hit the two hour mark with me. 1.00

02:00:43.000 That's the two hour mark?

02:00:44.000 Yep.

02:00:45.000 Alright, we'll come up with one subject and then we're gonna wrap this up.

02:00:48.000 Joey, that's up to you.

02:00:49.000 The subject?

02:00:50.000 You had a good one. 0.99

02:00:54.000 Before you fucked Brian, you had a good one and stuff. 0.99

02:00:56.000 What was I talking about? 0.99

02:00:57.000 I don't even remember.

02:00:58.000 16 year old surf?

02:00:59.000 No, the other one before that.

02:01:00.000 You said you were going to bring it up during the podcast.

02:01:03.000 Oh.

02:01:04.000 I thought I don't remember.

02:01:08.000 I can't order an iPhone. 1.00

02:01:09.000 What kind of shit is this? 1.00

02:01:11.000 You're the fucking Captain Kirk of this program. 1.00

02:01:13.000 He couldn't order an iPhone. 1.00

02:01:14.000 One more time.

02:01:16.000 I want more word from our sponsor.

02:01:18.000 I was up from 1am till 3am just trying to access the iPhone.

02:01:22.000 Oh no, I know what I wanted to talk about. 0.99

02:01:24.000 That fucking guy, that Christian warrior who went looking for Osama Bin Laden. 1.00

02:01:28.000 That's what I wanted to talk about. 1.00

02:01:29.000 If you don't know this story, there's a fucking dude who is this old white guy, who's this Christian warrior from America, who put a fucking, he got a sword, he took a sword with him and a gun, and he went to the fucking mountains of Pakistan, and he went to the mountains of Pakistan to try to find Osama bin Laden to kill him, and they caught his ass. 1.00

02:01:49.000 Wow. 1.00

02:01:50.000 Like, what are you doing, dude?

02:01:52.000 But did they put him in jail?

02:01:53.000 I can't believe they didn't kill him. 1.00

02:01:55.000 I mean, this guy was sitting in Kentucky somewhere, and he said one day, fuck it. 1.00

02:01:59.000 I'm sick and tired of waiting for Osama bin Laden. 1.00

02:02:01.000 This shit's been going on for 10 years. 1.00

02:02:03.000 He borrowed money from his cousin, and he said, fuck it. 1.00

02:02:07.000 I'll go over there like a Boy Scout. 1.00

02:02:08.000 You made that grace your bitch. 1.00

02:02:09.000 If you ain't first, you last. 1.00

02:02:10.000 Here's a story.

02:02:11.000 A 52-year-old American citizen who said he was searching for Osama bin Laden was detained in Pakistan near the border with Afghanistan this week.

02:02:19.000 His name was Gary Faulkner from California.

02:02:21.000 He was carrying a pistol, a sword, night vision equipment, and Christian religious books.

02:02:27.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:02:29.000 That might be the last guy in the world you want looking for you. 0.99

02:02:32.000 The last dude in the world you want is a 52-year-old man with a sword and a Bible, and he flew to the other side of the fucking world to find you. 0.99

02:02:43.000 He's got religious books, a gun, and a Bible, and a sword. 1.00

02:02:47.000 Wow.

02:02:48.000 Oh my God.

02:02:49.000 Dude, there's guys like that.

02:02:51.000 They're out there.

02:02:52.000 They're out there.

02:02:52.000 They're out there and they're ready to go.

02:02:54.000 You gotta remember that. 0.98

02:02:55.000 Sometimes it's, you know, sometimes it's good to go online and watch some fucked up videos just to know that guy's out there. 0.98

02:03:00.000 I don't like watching murder videos, but I watched one recently. 1.00

02:03:03.000 The Mexican drug lords killed this fucking guy. 1.00

02:03:06.000 They cut this guy's head off. 1.00

02:03:07.000 They showed it on the video? 1.00

02:03:08.000 Yeah, they put that shit online. 1.00

02:03:09.000 Come on. 1.00

02:03:10.000 Yeah, woo! 1.00

02:03:11.000 How long do they keep it for now on YouTube?

02:03:12.000 I don't know.

02:03:13.000 I stopped watching as soon as he started cutting his throat. 1.00

02:03:16.000 Fuck that shot. 1.00

02:03:17.000 Yeah, I'm like, I don't need to watch the whole thing. 1.00

02:03:18.000 Apparently, he cuts his whole head off and the guy's squealing and making noises. 0.99

02:03:21.000 So over that crap. 1.00

02:03:22.000 Air's coming out of his hole. 1.00

02:03:24.000 Apparently, it's horrible.

02:03:25.000 It takes a while for them to saw his head off. 0.99

02:03:27.000 That's how they kill him. 0.92

02:03:28.000 Hard to watch, man.

02:03:29.000 Hard to watch.

02:03:30.000 They tied this dude up. 1.00

02:03:31.000 You know, just fucking cut his head off on video. 1.00

02:03:33.000 Next time you see a video like that, go to cakefart.com and watch that instead and refresh your memory like fucking ginger. 1.00

02:03:40.000 What is cakefart.com? 0.99

02:03:41.000 Dude, it's just this woman that puts a cake down and then she sits on it and then she farts into the camera. 0.99

02:03:45.000 And the icing and everything bubbles. 1.00

02:03:47.000 You're such a little fucking weirdo. 1.00

02:03:50.000 Why would you think that would be cool at all? 1.00

02:03:52.000 Because that would be like ginger to your fucking taste buds after watching a de-heading... 0.99

02:03:57.000 So do people fucking call you up and tell you about these websites? 0.99

02:04:00.000 Yes. 0.98

02:04:00.000 Well, it's on my website, my message board. 0.98

02:04:03.000 When I go to JoeRogan.net, that forum, I mean the forum right now is over 3 million posts.

02:04:08.000 Some guy emailed me that though.

02:04:09.000 Go to CakeFarts.com and watch that video.

02:04:11.000 That's good.

02:04:12.000 Just in the main forum, there's 2,737,000 posts now. 0.97

02:04:15.000 And then you count the retard room and all the other shit on there. 1.00

02:04:18.000 There's more than 3 million posts. 0.99

02:04:20.000 So anything that's fucked up, anything that's crazy in the internet, whenever it comes out, it's like a portal to all things interesting and fucked up. 0.87

02:04:27.000 It's my own website, so I can't get away from it. 0.96

02:04:30.000 If there's anything nutty that's out there in the world, I have the choice whether or not to watch it, but I don't have the choice whether or not to know it exists.

02:04:35.000 Because someone's going to put it up there, you know?

02:04:38.000 Like that Human Centipede?

02:04:39.000 I dodged that Human Centipede video for a long time because I thought that it was like a short clip. 0.94

02:04:45.000 Something fucked up, like somebody who's mutated or someone who did something crazy to somebody. 0.97

02:04:49.000 Then it turns out it's just some nutty horror movie. 0.98

02:04:51.000 You know the whole story behind the Human Centipede? 0.99

02:04:53.000 Did you go fucking see Splice?

02:04:56.000 No, I downloaded it, but the people who are pirating it don't like the movie, so they don't care about the quality of the torrents right now. 0.97

02:05:05.000 So I have to wait until...

02:05:06.000 Because it's so bad, I couldn't even watch it.

02:05:08.000 I was like, I'm not going to pay to see this movie either.

02:05:10.000 Just a bad version?

02:05:11.000 Yeah, it was a horrible version. 0.98

02:05:12.000 Like, halfway through, the cameraman's like, ugh, this sucks.

02:05:18.000 There's nothing funny than the ones where they do it in a movie theater. 1.00

02:05:22.000 How did they get away with that shit? 1.00

02:05:24.000 They just put a little fucking tripod on the little thing where the soda sits. 1.00

02:05:28.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

02:05:29.000 They put a little tripod in there, jack that sucker up, and keep an eye out for the guy who opens the door. 0.99

02:05:33.000 Did you see how they got caught?

02:05:33.000 People have gotten caught.

02:05:33.000 Did you see how they got caught?

02:05:34.000 No.

02:05:35.000 They were going to a theater in Chicago.

02:05:37.000 The big chain took codes, and you have them on the top side of your screen.

02:05:42.000 So it narrows it down to the theater.

02:05:44.000 And that's how they nail you now.

02:05:46.000 So they can break down the images, and they can find out where the codes are.

02:05:49.000 As soon as they find the movie, boom, they go to the top.

02:05:50.000 And it was out of theater, out of, like, where did we go?

02:05:54.000 What's that club we went to?

02:05:55.000 It wasn't Chicago, but it was the one with the owner.

02:05:58.000 Oh, yeah, Shamsburg.

02:05:59.000 It's right in that area, because I remember them showing it. 1.00

02:06:02.000 And it was an AMC, and AMC said, fuck it. 0.89

02:06:04.000 So they put codes on the film now. 0.97

02:06:06.000 But how do they know who did it, though?

02:06:07.000 They don't know who did it, but I guess the theater is getting charged for it, so they have to make sure they have ushers that go in and look for cameras and crap like that. 0.56

02:06:14.000 So they find the theater?

02:06:16.000 Right.

02:06:17.000 Well, at this theater here, at this theater here, this ring, all the ushers were part of the ring.

02:06:22.000 Oh, okay.

02:06:23.000 So that's how they knew that it was the screen on there.

02:06:25.000 Dude, I used to buy old school bootlegs back in New York. 0.97

02:06:29.000 We could walk down the street, be walking home from a comedy club, and there'd be some fucking guy who had a little box out looking for copies. 0.97

02:06:34.000 These are the same people. 0.97

02:06:35.000 They just put the video on their computers.

02:06:37.000 Yeah, these guys would do it on VHS. They would make copies, and every fucking copy would be shittier and shittier. 0.99

02:06:43.000 So if you came to the dude a couple weeks after the movie was out, you're getting fourth and fifth generation VHS copies of some fucking Bruce Willis movie. 0.99

02:06:50.000 So tomorrow you're going to have Bill Burr on the podcast?

02:06:52.000 Bill Burr's coming in tomorrow at 3 o'clock.

02:06:54.000 Cool.

02:06:54.000 This weekend I'm in three different places.

02:06:57.000 I'm going on a fucking mad Canada tour. 0.97

02:07:00.000 I'll tell you where I'm at right now. 0.93

02:07:02.000 And at the end we should always sponsor is Fleshlight.com.

02:07:06.000 We talked about the Fleshlight a hundred times.

02:07:08.000 I know.

02:07:08.000 In the contract we have to do at the beginning and the end.

02:07:10.000 Oh, really?

02:07:11.000 Do we?

02:07:12.000 Yeah.

02:07:12.000 Contract, schmank, track.

02:07:15.000 All right.

02:07:15.000 I'm in Saskatoon on Thursday night at the Saskatoon Arts and Convention Center.

02:07:20.000 I'm in Grand Prairie, Alberta at the Grand Prairie Regional College and then I'm in Winnipeg and at the Burton Cummings Theater.

02:07:30.000 So this is my just three Canada stop weekend.

02:07:33.000 I'm looking forward to that.

02:07:35.000 Canada's always a good time. 1.00

02:07:36.000 They won't let Joey Diaz up there because he's a fucking criminal. 0.99

02:07:39.000 You ever try to get to Canada? 0.99

02:07:41.000 Yeah, they turned me down two years ago.

02:07:42.000 What did they say?

02:07:44.000 They didn't tell the club what it was.

02:07:45.000 They just said my passport was no good.

02:07:48.000 And I didn't know what it was.

02:07:50.000 Canada doesn't let you in if you have assault.

02:07:52.000 They don't let you in if you have a felony.

02:07:53.000 They don't let you in if you're a drunk driver. 0.99

02:07:55.000 They don't let you in if you're fucked up at all. 1.00

02:07:58.000 And they don't fuck around, man. 1.00

02:07:59.000 But you know what? 0.99

02:08:00.000 It's one of the reasons why Canada's so nice. 0.99

02:08:02.000 Canada's fucking nice, man. 1.00

02:08:03.000 People are nice as shit up there. 0.99

02:08:05.000 Especially in Vancouver, because Vancouver doesn't really get that cold. 0.99

02:08:08.000 It doesn't get like Boston cold.

02:08:09.000 I mean, it snows a little bit here and there, but it's mostly rain in the winter.

02:08:12.000 You know, pretty temperate climate. 0.99

02:08:14.000 A little rainy and shit. 0.99

02:08:16.000 You know, it gets rainy, but god damn, it's cool up there. 0.99

02:08:18.000 Restaurants are awesome. 0.97

02:08:19.000 People are cool. 0.98

02:08:20.000 The UFC there was fucking fun as shit. 0.99

02:08:22.000 I had a good time, but it sucked because I couldn't do a show. 0.99

02:08:25.000 Because I usually get booked at the Red Robinson Theater, and unfortunately they had a gig there already, and they couldn't cancel it, and I couldn't.

02:08:34.000 So they didn't want me doing a local show, like a little place.

02:08:36.000 I'm like, what if I just do a little rock club or something like that?

02:08:39.000 They wanted me to not do it.

02:08:40.000 They moved the UFC from Utah because they couldn't sell tickets.

02:08:43.000 Couldn't sell any tickets on Sunday, man.

02:08:45.000 That's a Jesus day, bro. 0.94

02:08:47.000 That's awesome.

02:08:48.000 It's like the Chick-fil-A day.

02:08:50.000 Dude, Utah is very religious, man.

02:08:53.000 People are very religious.

02:08:54.000 You know, it's a strong Mormon community and a strong religious community.

02:08:58.000 People don't want to go out on a Sunday night.

02:09:00.000 That's amazing.

02:09:02.000 Everywhere else, the UFC sells like it's in Utah on a Sunday.

02:09:06.000 You know what?

02:09:07.000 You can criticize that.

02:09:08.000 No, I'm not criticizing.

02:09:09.000 I just couldn't believe it.

02:09:10.000 I could.

02:09:10.000 I'm saying myself.

02:09:11.000 But, you know, you're looking at it. 1.00

02:09:12.000 Utah's a nice fucking place to live. 0.99

02:09:14.000 Yes, it is. 0.99

02:09:14.000 People are nice there, you know? 0.99

02:09:15.000 It's a pretty decent place to live. 0.99

02:09:17.000 And I heard a lot of those Utah girls are kind of slutty. 1.00

02:09:19.000 Of course they are. 0.99

02:09:20.000 All religious girls are.

02:09:21.000 I was in Utah.

02:09:22.000 I used to do comedy there. 0.99

02:09:22.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

02:09:23.000 They get a little crazy, right? 1.00

02:09:24.000 The army base.

02:09:25.000 I used to do comedy there. 0.99

02:09:26.000 It's a drive up there from Boulder and shit. 0.98

02:09:28.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:09:29.000 If you want your kid to be a freak, number one rule of thumb is make him religious. 1.00

02:09:33.000 Because you're going to get one or two things. 1.00

02:09:34.000 You're going to get a really crazy, scared religious adult, or you're going to get someone who rebels, just sucks that cock with abandon. 1.00

02:09:39.000 Oh, when they snap. 1.00

02:09:40.000 The first time they sucked that cock at 16, she just snaps. 1.00

02:09:44.000 She takes that fucking cross and it's over. 1.00

02:09:46.000 The cross curls up. 1.00

02:09:47.000 It's like the fucking exorcist. 0.99

02:09:49.000 It's just the dark of the berry, the sweet of the juice. 1.00

02:09:51.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

02:09:52.000 Oh, she can't wait to get some black dick too, right? 1.00

02:09:54.000 The cross is a target. 1.00

02:09:56.000 What?

02:09:56.000 The cross is a target?

02:09:58.000 For what?

02:10:00.000 Brian, you know what?

02:10:01.000 Just took it to a bad place.

02:10:03.000 There's no need to end the show on such a sour note.

02:10:06.000 Yeah!

02:10:08.000 Jizz.

02:10:08.000 Jizz on the baby Jesus.

02:10:10.000 Well, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to follow Joey Diaz's exploits on Twitter, it is MadFlavor on Twitter.

02:10:16.000 M-A-D-F-L-A-V-O-R. And also JoeyCocoDiaz.com, right?

02:10:22.000 Yeah.

02:10:22.000 The website, JoeyCocoDiaz.com.

02:10:24.000 And do you do a Facebook?

02:10:25.000 Yeah, I got a Facebook. 0.99

02:10:26.000 I have no fucking idea. 0.97

02:10:28.000 It's out there. 1.00

02:10:29.000 Find me, cocksucker. 1.00

02:10:30.000 What are we playing? 1.00

02:10:31.000 Games here? 0.99

02:10:31.000 You want to fucking friend me or what? 0.99

02:10:33.000 So follow him on Twitter. 1.00

02:10:35.000 Fucking hilarious, dude. 0.95

02:10:36.000 Where are you at this weekend? 1.00

02:10:38.000 Donna Summer on Friday, bitches, at the Hollywood Bowl. 1.00

02:10:42.000 Are you going to go see Donna Summer? 0.99

02:10:42.000 Are you really saying that? 0.99

02:10:43.000 Fuck yeah, if you want to come. 1.00

02:10:44.000 Friday? 1.00

02:10:45.000 Yeah, I got studios. 1.00

02:10:46.000 I got fucking tickets. 0.99

02:10:48.000 They're inducting her in the Hall of Fame. 1.00

02:10:49.000 Who are you having butt sex with that night? 1.00

02:10:51.000 Nobody. 1.00

02:10:52.000 No one?

02:10:52.000 Nobody.

02:10:52.000 What?

02:10:53.000 And we can take a bus right from your house that drops us off right in front of the fucking Donna Summer. 0.99

02:10:56.000 Do you have any glow sticks? 0.99

02:10:57.000 I got glow sticks.

02:10:58.000 I got a pacifier.

02:10:59.000 Let's get there.

02:11:00.000 There's a pacifier right there.

02:11:01.000 Joe Rogans.

02:11:02.000 Joe, can we use your pacifier?

02:11:03.000 No.

02:11:04.000 You know what? 0.99

02:11:05.000 I forgot how fucking good Donna Summer was. 0.98

02:11:09.000 I really forgot. 0.99

02:11:10.000 I put her in the other day and I felt really gay.

02:11:12.000 Yeah, Friday if you want to call, I got tickets.

02:11:14.000 No, dude.

02:11:15.000 This is what I remembered.

02:11:17.000 I remembered when Joey Diaz told me. 0.97

02:11:20.000 Joey Diaz and I were at the fucking Brea Improv? 0.97

02:11:23.000 Was it the Brea Improv? 0.99

02:11:24.000 One of those. 0.99

02:11:24.000 We're at the Brea Improv, and I pull up, and my truck has a real good sound system, and he goes, put this in your fucking car, right now. 0.99

02:11:32.000 Joe Rogan, put this in your fucking car. 1.00

02:11:34.000 He goes, put on this fucking track. 1.00

02:11:35.000 Put on this track. 1.00

02:11:36.000 So he puts on Hot Stuff, this fucking track right here. 0.99

02:11:39.000 Does this guy come out? 0.99

02:11:42.000 Joe. 1.00

02:11:44.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:11:46.000 Can you hear? 1.00

02:11:48.000 Oh, you can't hear me.

02:11:50.000 Yeah, so, uh, for you people on iTunes, uh, Joe's playing a song.

02:12:01.000 And he's dancing.

02:12:03.000 And Joey Diaz is doing the wave.

02:12:08.000 And you can find me at redband.com. 0.96

02:12:10.000 I'm trying to, sorry for the volume right now, I'm trying to turn it down because Joe's going to kill all your ears. 0.93

02:12:23.000 Cheers. 0.95

02:12:25.000 Mute.

02:12:27.000 Mute.

02:12:28.000 Mute your laptop.

02:12:32.000 Here we go.

02:12:33.000 Ladies and gentlemen, that's not the most professional thing in the world.

02:12:36.000 Sorry about that.

02:12:37.000 You shouldn't have me pushing buttons over here, Brian. 0.99

02:12:39.000 I don't know what the fuck you're doing. 1.00

02:12:40.000 Oh, what? 1.00

02:12:41.000 Not me.

02:12:42.000 No, I'm saying it's me.

02:12:43.000 You shouldn't have me. 0.98

02:12:44.000 I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. 0.99

02:12:45.000 The point is, I forgot how fucking good Donna Summer was. 0.99

02:12:48.000 We were smoking a joint outside the Bray Improv in the parking lot, and Joey puts on hot stuff. 0.96

02:12:53.000 And I wrote a song about it.

02:12:54.000 I mean, I wrote a blog about it. 0.99

02:12:56.000 Donna Summer was a badass bitch. 1.00

02:12:57.000 Oh, it's amazing. 0.99

02:12:58.000 Some of that I wrote a blog about that night because it was so powerful.

02:13:01.000 I was listening to that music. 0.99

02:13:02.000 I'm like, God damn, that music was good. 1.00

02:13:04.000 That chick didn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:13:06.000 I had the opposite reaction happen to me last week when I put Donna Summer on a road trip and my girlfriend goes, What are you, a faggot? 1.00

02:13:14.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:13:16.000 I'm like, yeah, this does sound pretty gay when you say it like that.

02:13:18.000 That doesn't sound gay at all.

02:13:20.000 She had some jamming songs. 0.70

02:13:24.000 Like I said, she's a very intelligent girl.

02:13:31.000 Well, you Everyone's got their own taste, Brian.

02:13:34.000 But to diss Donna Summer is just totally unnecessary, man.

02:13:37.000 That's right. 0.99

02:13:37.000 Every now and then, you've got to respect that there's some shit that's not cool to like, but it's fucking good. 0.99

02:13:43.000 It's totally not cool to like. 0.98

02:13:43.000 Like Journey, too. 0.98

02:13:44.000 I agree.

02:13:45.000 I was in a bar the other day, and Journey, Don't Stop Believing started playing.

02:13:49.000 Great. 1.00

02:13:49.000 And I was like, God damn, that was a good fucking song. 1.00

02:13:52.000 Oh my God, Journey. 1.00

02:13:53.000 I listened to the one, Summer Night.

02:13:55.000 One summer night.

02:13:56.000 It was on the end. 0.99

02:13:57.000 It was fucking great. 0.96

02:13:58.000 I'm like, I forgot how good Journey was. 0.99

02:13:59.000 Dude, Journey had some hits.

02:14:00.000 That guy had a very unusual voice. 0.98

02:14:02.000 And God damn did he connect with Fat Bitches. 1.00

02:14:05.000 Fat Bitches will go crazy when you hear a Journey song. 1.00

02:14:07.000 Him and Kenny the Gambler.

02:14:10.000 Kenny Rogers.

02:14:10.000 They love that.

02:14:12.000 He couldn't sell no chicken though.

02:14:14.000 That chicken company went out of food.

02:14:16.000 He had a chicken company? 1.00

02:14:16.000 Yeah, Kenny Rogers roasters and shit. 1.00

02:14:18.000 You know, Jimmy Dean died. 0.99

02:14:19.000 Jimmy Dean sausages.

02:14:21.000 I'm not going to eat sausages for 30 days. 1.00

02:14:22.000 That motherfucker was 81. He just drank booze every day and ate sausage. 1.00

02:14:25.000 He lived to be 81. Can you imagine the jokes and ha-ha's he had with his wife?

02:14:29.000 Oh, well, just took my sausage. 1.00

02:14:31.000 You know, shit like that. 1.00

02:14:31.000 You think he had a lot of sausage? 1.00

02:14:35.000 When that guy had so much money, I bet he just mounted his wife's face, didn't even ask her questions, pulled his pants out.

02:14:40.000 She probably didn't even talk about it.

02:14:42.000 She probably didn't even say the thing.

02:14:43.000 He's so rich, she probably stopped at her mouth. 1.00

02:14:46.000 Sausage again, bitch! 1.00

02:14:47.000 Drinking whiskey, just fucking her mouth. 1.00

02:14:49.000 Shoots a batch down her throat and then walks out the door and gets on a horse. 1.00

02:14:52.000 Give me fucking Jimmy Dean. 1.00

02:14:54.000 He had a billion dollar sausage empire. 1.00

02:14:56.000 And he started out as a musician, right?

02:14:58.000 An actor, wasn't he?

02:14:59.000 Wasn't he? 1.00

02:14:59.000 One of those fucking things. 1.00

02:15:00.000 He was. 1.00

02:15:01.000 You know what?

02:15:01.000 Good for him.

02:15:02.000 This episode is dedicated to you, Jimmy Dean. 1.00

02:15:04.000 Good for you, you motherfucker. 1.00

02:15:06.000 You made a living selling ground up animals. 1.00

02:15:09.000 Ground up pigs.

02:15:10.000 Alright folks, that's the end of this podcast.

02:15:12.000 Thank you for tuning in.

02:15:13.000 We will see you actually tomorrow.

02:15:15.000 We got one tomorrow with Bill Burr.

02:15:17.000 Same bat time, same bat channel. 0.97

02:15:19.000 3pm.

02:15:20.000 Joey, Coco, Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. 0.94

02:15:22.000 Stay black, baby. 1.00

02:15:23.000 Brian, Red Band, Reichel. 0.93

02:15:25.000 Actually, it's his way.

02:15:27.000 No, there we go.

02:15:28.000 I can't get to you.

02:15:32.000 Thanks everybody.

02:15:33.000 We'll see you next week or tomorrow.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 15, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #25 - Joey Diaz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript