The Joe Rogan Experience - June 16, 2010


Joe Rogan Experience #26 - Bill Burr

Topics
fleshlight.com Snooker refereeing and gambling in basketball GPS raising a child Jimmy Superflash Snooker mixed martial arts Kopi Luwak coffee regional comedy Mike Donovan comedy bankers and bonuses diaper bombs road gigs in Boston Ric Flair back pain psychology Twitter
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Bill Burr
Mentioned
Dude The Bill Bixby Bill Barr Jimmy Superfly Snooker Jay Leno Jesse Ventura Chi-Chi Bernie Madoff Conan O'Brien Mike Donovan George Wendt Hulk Hogan Charlie Murphy Johnny Carson Anthony Clark Comedy Vault Don Gavin Put Richard Bowser Ed Begley Jr. Kenny Rogers and 110 more
JRE MMA Show #25 with Michael Chandler Joe Rogan Experience #28 - Joey Diaz

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 18 minutes

Words per minute

225.04

Word count

31,063

Sentence count

3,785

Harmful content

Misogyny

77

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,546

sentences flagged

Hate speech

85

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Bill Burr joins Joe and Joseph to talk about sex toys, serial killers, fake vaginas, and more. Joe and Bill are sponsored by the Fleshlight, a company that makes sex toys that look like vaginas. They are also the only ones left in stock at Walmart, but they don't have any black or white ones, so they have to be fake. They also have pink ones that don't look like a vagina, but look like the inside of a butthole. And they're not even white, which is a good thing, because white people get offended when they see a woman with a vagina that looks like they have a hole in their ass. And white people don't get offended because it's not a hole. They get offended by it because it looks like it's a vagina. And that's not even close to the worst thing we've ever seen a person do to a woman who has a hole, but it's still pretty cool, so why not try it out? and see how you feel about it? If you don't like it, maybe you should have a fake vagina instead of a real one? And if you do, maybe it doesn't really look like you have a vagina at all? Joe thinks it would be better than a real vagina? Bill thinks it's pretty good, but he's not sure if it's even good at all that would be good at what it does at all. Joe doesn't think it's worth it, but we'll see what he thinks it is at all, so we'll give it a try anyway. Thanks to our sponsor, Fleshlight! We hope you enjoy this one. We're looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this one, and we'll talk about it in the next episode of the podcast, and let us know what you think about it's good or not so we can give you a rating and review it in a review. We'll see you guys a rating on the pod! -Joe and Joe's thoughts on it in next week's mailbag. -Joes and Joe - Joe's Thoughts on the sex toys and sex toys we've found so far... Thank you for listening to this episode of The Joes & Joe's Joes Podcast. Joes and Joseph's Podcasts - The Fleshlight - Joe's YouTube channel: & the Joes' Podcasts: .

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 There it goes.
00:00:01.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another Ustream broadcast.
00:00:04.000 Who's that?
00:00:05.000 Me?
00:00:06.000 Me! 1.00
00:00:07.000 It's you, motherfucker! 1.00
00:00:07.000 Gotcha! 1.00
00:00:09.000 We only did one week where we didn't fuck anything up, and that was yesterday.
00:00:12.000 Yesterday we completely had it together.
00:00:14.000 Joining me this week is my good pal, the very funny Mr. Bill Burr.
00:00:18.000 Bill Burr, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:20.000 What's up, Joseph?
00:00:21.000 You might know Bill from all sorts of television, stand-up comedy things, The Chappelle Show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:00:26.000 One of the funniest guys out there.
00:00:27.000 I love the 80's Strikes Back.
00:00:29.000 Don't forget that.
00:00:30.000 That's on the IMDB page.
00:00:32.000 I also have a failed pilot, for some reason, on my IMDB page.
00:00:36.000 It didn't even air, and somebody still put it up there.
00:00:39.000 Before we even start talking about anything, we're sponsored by the Fleshlight.
00:00:41.000 This is a Fleshlight.
00:00:42.000 Have you ever seen one of these, Bill Burr?
00:00:43.000 A flesh-colored flashlight?
00:00:45.000 No, this is a thing you've...
00:00:48.000 You don't know what it is. 1.00
00:00:50.000 You fuck it. 1.00
00:00:52.000 That's the butthole version. 1.00
00:00:53.000 It's patent and rubber technology.
00:00:56.000 Really?
00:00:56.000 Put your finger in it.
00:00:58.000 Those toys freak me out. 1.00
00:00:59.000 You jerk off though, right? 0.99
00:01:00.000 I assume, right? 1.00
00:01:02.000 Constantly.
00:01:03.000 I had a good one on the way up to your house.
00:01:09.000 I'm all about rubbing one out. 1.00
00:01:11.000 This is a fucking tool to masturbate with. 1.00
00:01:13.000 Instead of your hand, it's a fake vagina. 1.00
00:01:15.000 Yeah, I'm not saying that you shouldn't... 0.99
00:01:17.000 I'm not against it, but it's just odd you handing it to me the first minute of your podcast.
00:01:22.000 Well, I'm just trying to see how you react.
00:01:24.000 I hope you got a good...
00:01:25.000 I got a good gauge. 0.97
00:01:28.000 I'm into porn.
00:01:29.000 I like the videos and that type of thing. 1.00
00:01:31.000 But I gotta admit, those sex toys, it's very serial killer-like where you're just sort of fucking a part of somebody. 1.00
00:01:41.000 I agree. 1.00
00:01:42.000 There's nothing else there.
00:01:43.000 Yeah, I know what you mean. 0.99
00:01:44.000 You know, like you went to the butcher and you're like, yeah, just give me a slice of crotch. 1.00
00:01:47.000 Yeah, this doesn't, it doesn't have to look like a pussy. 1.00
00:01:50.000 It looks exactly like a pussy. 1.00
00:01:51.000 The pussy one does. 1.00
00:01:52.000 It really doesn't have to. 1.00
00:01:53.000 It just has to be a hole.
00:01:54.000 Maybe you'd feel better if it was just a hole.
00:01:56.000 That doesn't look like a butthole. 0.98
00:01:57.000 That doesn't look like a butthole. 0.99
00:01:58.000 Hold it up to the camera. 0.99
00:01:59.000 That doesn't look like a butthole. 0.98
00:02:00.000 I think it needs a little work. 1.00
00:02:02.000 What, an eight-year-old's ass? 1.00
00:02:04.000 Look how little that is. 1.00
00:02:04.000 It's been bleached. 1.00
00:02:05.000 It's a girl with a butthole that's got a problem because that sucker's not airtight. 1.00
00:02:08.000 Look at that. 1.00
00:02:09.000 There's a little hole in there.
00:02:10.000 It's gaping.
00:02:10.000 See that?
00:02:11.000 That's not good.
00:02:12.000 Yeah, after you ruined it last night, trying it out. 0.99
00:02:15.000 I have never fucked this. 0.98
00:02:16.000 That's why I hand it to people. 1.00
00:02:17.000 I've fucked the vagina one. 1.00
00:02:18.000 I have never fucked the bottle one. 1.00
00:02:19.000 That's the name of your next CD. I have never fucked this. 0.99
00:02:22.000 You just hold something up. 0.99
00:02:24.000 That'll get into Walmart.
00:02:25.000 I know, right?
00:02:26.000 They're the only ones left.
00:02:27.000 Fleshlight.com.
00:02:28.000 If you want to sell something, yeah, go to fleshlight.com and buy it.
00:02:31.000 But, you know, we were disturbed because we went to the website.
00:02:34.000 We could not find a black one. 0.99
00:02:36.000 They have only pink fake vaginas. 1.00
00:02:39.000 Now, you know what? 1.00
00:02:40.000 You could go both ways on that one.
00:02:42.000 That is either racist or white people can get offended. 1.00
00:02:48.000 Like, how come you're slicing up white women and turning them into little plastic pillowy things for people to fuck, you know? 1.00
00:02:57.000 They should have like a swirl, like a jet pop, you know, like those old pudding pops where it's like vanilla and chocolate. 1.00
00:03:02.000 That's not bad.
00:03:04.000 The zebra one? 0.99
00:03:05.000 Yeah, why fucking pretend it's a person? 0.99
00:03:06.000 Why not a little mouth one, too? 0.99
00:03:08.000 And you have that other one, so you can finally have like a fake menage a trois. 1.00
00:03:11.000 Just have a fake mouth licking your balls as you fuck. 1.00
00:03:14.000 Whatever that is. 1.00
00:03:15.000 The flesh flashlight.
00:03:16.000 Whatever you call it. 0.99
00:03:17.000 Isn't it kind of creepier that it actually does look like a vagina? 1.00
00:03:20.000 Like if it was green or something like that, maybe it'd be easier to fuck. 1.00
00:03:23.000 You wouldn't have to think about it being a serial killer sort of a thing. 0.99
00:03:27.000 Right.
00:03:27.000 Joe, that really doesn't look like anything.
00:03:29.000 It doesn't. 0.98
00:03:30.000 It doesn't, but the vagina one does. 1.00
00:03:32.000 Like if a fourth grader made that, you'd just as a good father be like, oh yeah, yeah, I can see that. 0.98
00:03:37.000 It totally does.
00:03:38.000 You have a lot of talent.
00:03:40.000 You encourage them. 1.00
00:03:41.000 We were saying yesterday that it's funny that they sell the butthole version and the vagina version, and what if the butthole version just so outshowed the vagina version they just canceled making them because nobody wanted to fuck the rubber vagina. 0.99
00:03:52.000 Like left-handed guitars. 0.99
00:03:54.000 They're like 10% extra for the vagina. 1.00
00:03:56.000 Joe, next time you fuck it, try taking it out like fish in the bucket and fucking it out of the plastic thing. 1.00
00:04:02.000 Grabbing it with your hand? 1.00
00:04:03.000 Yeah, like your hand.
00:04:04.000 Really?
00:04:04.000 It's so much better.
00:04:05.000 Really?
00:04:05.000 Brian has a tip.
00:04:07.000 He's like the Martha Stewart of fake vaginas. 1.00
00:04:10.000 A healthy tip. 1.00
00:04:11.000 Do you review sex toys? 1.00
00:04:13.000 No, I don't review sex toys, only technology shit. 1.00
00:04:15.000 But I should. 1.00
00:04:15.000 I should review sex toys. 1.00
00:04:17.000 Why not, dude? 1.00
00:04:17.000 You should totally do a full you fuck it version of a review when you fuck the fleshlight. 1.00
00:04:22.000 I should. 1.00
00:04:23.000 Take the food blog to the next level. 1.00
00:04:24.000 And show us you fucking it. 1.00
00:04:26.000 We don't have to see your dick or anything, but we should know that you really are fucking it. 1.00
00:04:30.000 Like, you're naked. 1.00
00:04:31.000 No, no.
00:04:31.000 Take a picture right after you're done, and we'll try to gauge the level of satisfaction.
00:04:37.000 Just film my face the whole time using it, but that's it. 0.99
00:04:40.000 Is there a fucking thing on this earth that's more disgusting than another dude's loads? 1.00
00:04:44.000 If you think about it, if you had a choice between a guy pissing on you or shooting a load on you... 1.00
00:04:48.000 It's a no-brainer. 0.79
00:04:50.000 You know it's longer.
00:04:51.000 The load would get over...
00:04:53.000 And you have a washcloth right there and a stand-up shower.
00:04:56.000 Like...
00:04:57.000 So it's over really quickly.
00:04:59.000 Wow, that might be better.
00:05:00.000 Maybe it was just a pool.
00:05:01.000 A load might be better?
00:05:02.000 Well, he's right.
00:05:03.000 It's quicker.
00:05:04.000 It's just like, get it done, wipe it off.
00:05:05.000 You're not sitting there for two minutes getting pissed on.
00:05:07.000 I see what you're saying.
00:05:08.000 Maybe you get a laugh at the guy's face as he's like...
00:05:10.000 I see what you're saying, but to me, it's a dude just shot a load on me, and I can't deal with it. 0.92
00:05:14.000 I can deal with a dude pissing on me.
00:05:15.000 That's an act of aggression. 1.00
00:05:17.000 A guy shooting a load on me is like, that guy basically just fucked me. 1.00
00:05:20.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:05:21.000 It's just snot from below.
00:05:22.000 Yeah.
00:05:23.000 Yeah, but it's not.
00:05:25.000 Maybe it was just an accident.
00:05:26.000 It's a mark.
00:05:26.000 He's marking me.
00:05:28.000 It's an accident.
00:05:29.000 You've got to stop being so judgmental.
00:05:30.000 But peeing is how you usually mark it.
00:05:32.000 Animals usually use pee to mark.
00:05:34.000 That's okay.
00:05:34.000 Like I said, that's an act of aggression.
00:05:36.000 An act of aggression, like urinating on me, would not offend me nearly as much as dropping a load on me.
00:05:40.000 That's just me, though.
00:05:42.000 Bill, do you agree with that?
00:05:44.000 Those are honestly things that I don't really think of.
00:05:46.000 What if it was a long beer pistol, you know?
00:05:48.000 That's what I'm saying.
00:05:49.000 Asparagus piss.
00:05:50.000 Yeah, four hours, sitting in Yankee Stadium, drinking beer in the hot sun.
00:05:56.000 Are you a sports fan?
00:05:57.000 You're not a sports fan at all, right?
00:05:58.000 The only sport I watch besides mixed martial arts and boxing is pool. 0.92
00:06:03.000 I watch professional pool, which is completely ridiculous.
00:06:06.000 Actually, I'm watching the NBA Finals.
00:06:09.000 And I have to have the game on mute because I'm convinced the announcers hate my team.
00:06:15.000 And it just gets insane. 0.77
00:06:17.000 Dude, people get so fucking mad if they feel like someone's doing biased commentary. 1.00
00:06:22.000 I get so much shit. 0.99
00:06:24.000 from dudes who are angry at me because I call the fight as I see it. 0.99
00:06:27.000 I try to be as objective as possible and have like, no one's my favorite.
00:06:30.000 I don't want anybody in particular to win.
00:06:32.000 I just want it to happen.
00:06:33.000 I have a bunch of guys that I love watching when they fight because they're good.
00:06:36.000 But I try to never root for somebody.
00:06:40.000 Right.
00:06:40.000 So I do my best to stay objective.
00:06:42.000 But I call it like I fucking see it. 0.99
00:06:44.000 Some dudes get crazy. 0.99
00:06:45.000 Just because they're so emotionally invested.
00:06:48.000 Like me with the Celtics.
00:06:50.000 I want them to win.
00:06:52.000 I got invited to, hey, come on down and watch Game 7. It's like, I can't.
00:06:56.000 I can't fucking deal with all these. 0.98
00:06:58.000 I'm going to sit there by myself and I have to watch it on mute. 0.99
00:07:01.000 I can't be around a bunch of other people. 0.99
00:07:03.000 Because there's going to be people there who don't give a fuck. 0.99
00:07:05.000 Or they're going to be rooting for another team. 0.99
00:07:08.000 And I will literally have rage.
00:07:11.000 No, I've really been examining it. 0.98
00:07:14.000 It's so silly. 0.97
00:07:15.000 It is. 0.95
00:07:16.000 Somebody told me that I think Jay Leno said he wasn't into sports and he was just like, why do I care if the peanuts beat the kangaroos?
00:07:23.000 Something like that. 0.99
00:07:24.000 And it just really sort of was like, yeah, why do I give a shit? 0.99
00:07:27.000 It's a trick. 0.99
00:07:28.000 People think that the NBA finals are rigged.
00:07:31.000 Like that Kardashian's going on TMZ saying the whole thing's rigged.
00:07:34.000 Who is going on?
00:07:35.000 Kim Kardashian?
00:07:36.000 Robert Kardashian.
00:07:38.000 I think it's the brother of Kim.
00:07:40.000 And he's like going on saying like, you know, the whole thing.
00:07:42.000 That's an incredible source, that family.
00:07:44.000 Well, I mean, one of the guys is...
00:07:46.000 Are they going to re-examine the Warren Commission next?
00:07:50.000 Take another peek at the Zapruder film?
00:07:52.000 Yeah.
00:07:52.000 Come on, really?
00:07:54.000 I heard the Kardashians are looking into the moon landing.
00:07:56.000 Isn't somebody in the Kardashians married to an NBA player, though?
00:08:00.000 There were, yeah.
00:08:01.000 That is true.
00:08:02.000 And the NBA also had a ref that got busted with mob ties. 0.83
00:08:05.000 And I loved how they acted like he was the only one.
00:08:08.000 Oh, yeah, it was just him.
00:08:09.000 Like, you wouldn't notice that if you were refereeing with him?
00:08:12.000 Is he teeing everybody up?
00:08:13.000 You know, like, if he bet the under and everybody's, like, fouling out.
00:08:17.000 I mean, I know that's an exaggeration.
00:08:18.000 It's one of the easiest games to fix.
00:08:21.000 You know, they had a problem with that with professional pool.
00:08:23.000 With professional pool, the only one time...
00:08:25.000 That a sports book ever put a line on the event.
00:08:29.000 I forget what casino it was at, but it was in Vegas, and it was a big tournament.
00:08:33.000 These guys are grinding.
00:08:34.000 They're out there.
00:08:35.000 Professional pool players don't make much money, even the best in the world.
00:08:38.000 So there was an underdog, this guy Mike LeBron.
00:08:41.000 He hadn't won a big tournament like that in a long time.
00:08:43.000 So they all got together and said, Hey, Mike, guess what?
00:08:45.000 You won the tournament. 0.99
00:08:46.000 We're going to fucking bet on you. 0.99
00:08:47.000 And they all threw in, and everybody dumped. 0.99
00:08:49.000 And they all dumped.
00:08:50.000 Mike LeBron won.
00:08:51.000 They cleaned up, and the bookies never put a line on pool again.
00:08:54.000 Wow.
00:08:54.000 And they obviously figured it out?
00:08:58.000 Oh, fucking everybody knew. 1.00
00:08:59.000 They're driving balls into the rail. 1.00
00:09:00.000 They're fucking supposed to get out ball in hand. 0.99
00:09:02.000 They don't get out. 1.00
00:09:03.000 They scratch. 0.99
00:09:04.000 There was a bunch of shots where dudes were like, what the fuck is this? 0.98
00:09:07.000 They were obviously bad. 0.98
00:09:09.000 Well, you know, they do their best, but these guys, high-level pros, don't miss very often, you know? 0.99
00:09:14.000 So they can fuck up and take a bad path on purpose, and a path that gives them a high percentage of getting stuck behind balls or something like that. 0.98
00:09:20.000 So they make errors on purpose. 1.00
00:09:22.000 And you look at it, and you're like, why the fuck would that guy play that like that? 0.98
00:09:24.000 Like, this guy's top of the food chain world champion. 0.99
00:09:28.000 A snooker player got busted recently for taking a 300,000 euro bribe.
00:09:34.000 He was taking a bribe to dump a bunch of matches.
00:09:38.000 And this guy is like one of the very best in the world.
00:09:40.000 He's like a top line.
00:09:41.000 And snooker players make big bank.
00:09:42.000 But apparently, it's a common thing.
00:09:44.000 What was his vice?
00:09:46.000 Money.
00:09:47.000 That he took it.
00:09:48.000 He just wanted money.
00:09:49.000 He said that they've done it before. 0.99
00:09:51.000 And, you know, they got this guy on Hidden Camera and shit. 0.94
00:09:54.000 It was pretty devastating for the whole Snooker community because he's like one of their starbs.
00:09:58.000 What, all eight people who are in the Snooker community? 0.98
00:09:59.000 The fucking Snooker's huge over there, bro. 0.99
00:10:01.000 You don't understand. 1.00
00:10:01.000 In England, it's giant. 1.00
00:10:02.000 I don't know what Snooker is.
00:10:03.000 Snooker's this crazy game.
00:10:04.000 It's like pool, but it's played on a giant table, a 12 by 6. And the pockets are really small, and the balls are really small, and they're colored.
00:10:11.000 And I don't know the exact rules.
00:10:13.000 Is there mushrooms on the table?
00:10:14.000 Is that from the 70s?
00:10:16.000 Remember that bumper pool or something?
00:10:17.000 Remember that?
00:10:17.000 I do remember bumper pool.
00:10:19.000 That shit was ridiculous. 1.00
00:10:20.000 You got it. 1.00
00:10:20.000 Yeah, they had like little mushroom trees or something in the middle. 1.00
00:10:24.000 Little rubber ones to bounce it off.
00:10:25.000 That's because you didn't have space for a real table. 0.99
00:10:28.000 So you'd get one of these goofy fucking things. 0.98
00:10:29.000 It was only two feet wide. 0.99
00:10:30.000 And you had to make it more difficult.
00:10:31.000 That's right.
00:10:31.000 Yeah, that was the 70s, everybody.
00:10:34.000 Put some sort of reference to drugs right on the table.
00:10:38.000 Pool has always had a problem with people gambling and dumping money.
00:10:40.000 It's a common thing amongst guys who bet.
00:10:43.000 Guys will back pool players, and the pool players will dump and cut up the money because they know this way they're going to win.
00:10:49.000 That whole world, the world of gambling, when you get gambling involved with anything, and there's a lot of gambling on pro basketball, I would just assume it's rigged.
00:10:56.000 Wouldn't you?
00:10:57.000 Yeah.
00:10:58.000 I mean, I would think...
00:11:00.000 Well, I think the players make too much money...
00:11:04.000 So it's very hard like that.
00:11:05.000 And the way to definitely do it is some sort of authority figure on the court.
00:11:10.000 Like, you know, referee and umpire or something like that.
00:11:13.000 Giving bad calls.
00:11:13.000 I went to the game when Kevin Garnett hurt his knee against Utah, which I'm sure you still have on videotape.
00:11:19.000 I don't even know what you're talking about.
00:11:21.000 He's such a huge hoop fan.
00:11:21.000 I don't even know those humans.
00:11:23.000 The referees were literally dictating the pace of the game.
00:11:26.000 And it made like...
00:11:28.000 I'm trying to equate it to what you do.
00:11:31.000 Be like if a guy had no stand-up and all of a sudden he was great at stand-up and then five seconds later again, oh yeah, he doesn't have any stand-up.
00:11:38.000 It's not consistent.
00:11:40.000 They were calling everything, everything, everything, and then you could just see them loosen up the reins.
00:11:44.000 Then a guy would literally take a dude's head off and they'd just say, hey, no blood, no foul.
00:11:47.000 And then all of a sudden it was like, did these guys bet a specific number?
00:11:53.000 I don't know what it was, but it was one of the weirdest called games.
00:11:57.000 Guys have been busted for that though, right?
00:11:59.000 Referees have been busted for doing things that... 1.00
00:12:01.000 Well, they had that referee and I'm sure if other ones got busted, maybe they kept it quiet.
00:12:06.000 I have no idea.
00:12:07.000 As usual, I have like one story and then that becomes law.
00:12:10.000 I just spread it out over every sport and start pontificating. 0.99
00:12:14.000 Bill Burr is one of the more interesting conspiracy theorists that I know because Bill Burr, you'll start talking to him about it and then five minutes in he'll admit that he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. 0.95
00:12:24.000 He saw a YouTube video. 0.98
00:12:25.000 What's up with his GPS? I'm one of the few people.
00:12:28.000 He doesn't use GPS. I called him to give him directions.
00:12:31.000 I go, you got a GPS? Thinking I'm just going to give him my address.
00:12:34.000 Nah, I got a Thomas Guide. 1.00
00:12:36.000 We've got a fucking Thomas guy, like a goddamn pioneer. 0.99
00:12:39.000 You have a pencil and an eraser, and you're putting compass directions on. 1.00
00:12:43.000 First of all, you guys are acting like I'm churning butter.
00:12:45.000 You guys both had one five years ago, didn't you?
00:12:48.000 Yeah.
00:12:49.000 Did I get here all the time?
00:12:50.000 Yes, you were.
00:12:51.000 I was early on with the GPS. I had the first GPS. It was a CD-based GPS. It was a CD-ROM base, so I only had a map of Los Angeles.
00:13:01.000 I've never even used those books.
00:13:03.000 I think I've just always used MapQuest and stuff.
00:13:05.000 Maybe before that, my mom would write down the directions on a napkin. 0.99
00:13:09.000 When I first moved here, I used it.
00:13:10.000 I had it written down on an envelope.
00:13:13.000 How'd I get here?
00:13:14.000 There was no problems.
00:13:16.000 It was very easy.
00:13:17.000 When I first moved to LA, I had a Tom's gun.
00:13:19.000 But I haven't had one in a long time.
00:13:21.000 For LA, that just seems impossible.
00:13:22.000 It is impossible.
00:13:23.000 There's so many pages.
00:13:24.000 Yeah, you don't want to think.
00:13:25.000 Don't use your brain.
00:13:25.000 Let the computer do it.
00:13:26.000 That's right.
00:13:27.000 Type in the zip code.
00:13:28.000 Let a British woman tell me what to do. 1.00
00:13:30.000 So what is your deal with GPS? You think the GPS is possibly dangerous?
00:13:35.000 I think it's a waste of money. 0.97
00:13:36.000 Then also, one of my many non-researched opinions is I just don't like the fact that there's some sort of, I don't know, they beam a signal up to a satellite, it burns back down through the atmosphere and into my fucking car, and there's somebody talking to me. 0.88
00:13:53.000 Actually, I think it doesn't beam anything out. 0.92
00:13:55.000 I think it just is like a receiver.
00:13:57.000 It's always beaming at you, and it picks up what it's being beamed at you all the time.
00:14:02.000 It's always being beamed at me.
00:14:02.000 Yeah, I don't want that.
00:14:04.000 I don't want stuff always beamed at me.
00:14:07.000 You're getting it no matter what.
00:14:08.000 Yeah, you're getting it right now.
00:14:09.000 You're getting it right now?
00:14:10.000 How do you think I'm getting it right now?
00:14:11.000 If you receive it, there's a beam coming at you.
00:14:15.000 If there's something to receive it, like a box, like some sort of a GPS box, all that's doing is receiving something that's already there.
00:14:22.000 If your brain is going to be affected by it, it's getting affected by what's already there.
00:14:25.000 No matter if you have a box or not.
00:14:28.000 I have lead on the inside of my thing. 0.98
00:14:31.000 I'm going to die earlier because you guys don't want to fucking use a Thomas guide. 0.97
00:14:35.000 Why would you think the GPS would be dangerous, though? 0.99
00:14:38.000 It's like the radio being dangerous.
00:14:39.000 Or there's Wi-Fi.
00:14:40.000 We're doing this.
00:14:41.000 We're broadcasting this show to you.
00:14:42.000 That plastic bottle you're drinking out is more dangerous.
00:14:45.000 It is if you leave it in your car.
00:14:46.000 See that classic barroom point right there.
00:14:49.000 That plastic bottle is more dangerous.
00:14:51.000 Really?
00:14:51.000 You just got done doing research on that, didn't you?
00:14:53.000 You have no idea.
00:14:54.000 Yeah, it is.
00:14:55.000 Because actually, like he said, if you keep it in your car...
00:14:57.000 These things sit in warehouses for years.
00:15:00.000 Yeah, being heated up in a warehouse maybe.
00:15:02.000 Hopefully not.
00:15:02.000 Hopefully not.
00:15:03.000 But they say that if you leave one in your car and it gets really hot out, it actually releases chemicals that, especially for men, are not good for you.
00:15:09.000 Like female chemicals. 1.00
00:15:10.000 Even if it's just in here, just the fact that it's in a plastic container.
00:15:14.000 The chemicals are in the plastic.
00:15:16.000 See?
00:15:16.000 Well, now you're on my page.
00:15:18.000 See?
00:15:18.000 I like how you're concerned about this.
00:15:20.000 That's what I'm saying.
00:15:21.000 You're not concerned about anything. 1.00
00:15:22.000 Dude, you're going to fucking die anyway. 1.00
00:15:25.000 It always ends up going to that. 1.00
00:15:26.000 By the way, he just quit cigarettes like a month ago.
00:15:29.000 Oh, there you go.
00:15:32.000 That's like a buddy of mine. 1.00
00:15:34.000 I had a buddy of mine who was giving me shit. 0.99
00:15:39.000 I was about ready to head out. 1.00
00:15:40.000 A friend of mine was...
00:15:41.000 Oh, it's a long story. 0.99
00:15:43.000 I don't name names what the fuck I was doing. 0.98
00:15:44.000 I was doing something we were going to go celebrate. 0.99
00:15:46.000 We were going to go get shit-faced. 0.99
00:15:47.000 So this guy is married and he has a kid. 1.00
00:15:50.000 And he used to be a fuck-up. 0.99
00:15:51.000 So I'm not married. 0.99
00:15:52.000 I don't have any kids.
00:15:53.000 And he sends me a text.
00:15:55.000 He's like, you know, dude, it's pretty funny.
00:15:57.000 You know how things turned out.
00:16:00.000 He's like, I'm married and I have a kid now and responsibility and you're still out partying. 0.99
00:16:07.000 And it's just like, it's just one of those things, the fucking people, just because you have a kid, they think that automatically makes you responsible. 1.00
00:16:15.000 You're still a fuck up. 1.00
00:16:16.000 You're just passing it on now. 1.00
00:16:19.000 Well, what's really funny is the nobility that they attach to it.
00:16:22.000 And this is coming from someone who has two children.
00:16:24.000 But I used to get so annoyed when I would talk to people who had kids and they would compare their life to my life.
00:16:30.000 They'd be like, well, look at you.
00:16:31.000 You're just a single guy, just running around being a single guy.
00:16:34.000 What? 1.00
00:16:34.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:16:35.000 Do we have to make people? 1.00
00:16:36.000 Is there a shortage of fucking human beings? 1.00
00:16:39.000 There's six billion of us, alright? 1.00
00:16:40.000 There's plenty of people.
00:16:41.000 You're not more noble because you're raising a person.
00:16:44.000 I commend you for it.
00:16:45.000 I hope you enjoy it.
00:16:46.000 I hope you really commit to it and you raise a good person. 0.99
00:16:48.000 It doesn't turn out to be a fucking psycho, but it doesn't make you a more noble person because you have a child. 0.99
00:16:53.000 Some of them think that. 0.99
00:16:55.000 They're more moral.
00:16:56.000 They're more just.
00:16:57.000 They're doing the right thing.
00:16:58.000 They're not being silly with their life. 1.00
00:17:01.000 It's so stupid. 1.00
00:17:02.000 But this guy really wanted to go out and get wasted. 1.00
00:17:04.000 And he was jealous that I can continue to live my sad, lonely life.
00:17:09.000 They stick it in your face.
00:17:11.000 It's funny.
00:17:12.000 As a single person. 0.99
00:17:12.000 But he's a good shit though because I called him up the next day. 0.99
00:17:15.000 I'm like, dude, you fucking failed a drug test like six months ago and you took a header off your front steps walking your dog down the street and you had a red mark looking like fucking Jimmy Snooker when I came to met you, right? 1.00
00:17:28.000 And you're giving me shit? 1.00
00:17:30.000 Jimmy Snooker! 1.00
00:17:31.000 He comes with a Jimmy Snooker reference.
00:17:34.000 The superfly.
00:17:34.000 Remember that?
00:17:35.000 He would get on the top rope.
00:17:36.000 Yeah, and all that scar tissue up there.
00:17:37.000 I love you.
00:17:41.000 He did have that scar tissue.
00:17:43.000 That's what the old school guys would cut their own forehead to bleed.
00:17:46.000 You know, he's related to The Rock.
00:17:50.000 Is he really?
00:17:51.000 The Rock is somehow related to Superfly Snook.
00:17:54.000 I think that was his uncle.
00:17:56.000 Somebody name me a cooler uncle.
00:17:59.000 Jimmy Superfly Snooker, that's it.
00:18:00.000 Yeah, especially if you turn out to be a wrestler yourself.
00:18:04.000 Jimmy Superfly Snooker was my favorite when I was in high school.
00:18:06.000 He was my number one.
00:18:07.000 Bob Backlund was pretty good because he had a real wrestling stance.
00:18:10.000 I appreciated that.
00:18:11.000 He went in there and looked like he really knew how to wrestle. 0.99
00:18:13.000 He would arm drag dudes and shit. 0.98
00:18:15.000 I heard he didn't like a lot of the characters. 0.98
00:18:18.000 Really?
00:18:18.000 It's almost like a joke writer hating a performer.
00:18:21.000 You know, he's in there doing like the...
00:18:23.000 Well, he was a real wrestler. 0.73
00:18:24.000 You know, it really sucks about wrestlers.
00:18:26.000 Wrestling is one of the toughest sports in the world, but there's no professional avenue for it.
00:18:30.000 They tried it.
00:18:31.000 They tried a professional wrestling league a few years back, but nobody wanted to watch it.
00:18:35.000 It just hasn't caught on. 0.82
00:18:36.000 When things haven't caught on, it's very hard to get them to catch on, unless it's something fucking crazy like mixed martial arts. 0.95
00:18:42.000 Mixed martial arts is so crazy and so primal. 1.00
00:18:44.000 The ones that started getting on TV, everybody's like, whoa, holy shit. 0.99
00:18:47.000 You know, it just gets everybody in. 0.82
00:18:48.000 You're not going to get that from wrestling.
00:18:50.000 But wrestling is easily more exciting than a lot of sports that are already on TV, including, you know, soccer.
00:18:55.000 Soccer's not as exciting as wrestling to me.
00:18:56.000 I would way rather watch, like, really good wrestling.
00:18:58.000 I can defend soccer.
00:19:00.000 I don't mind, dude.
00:19:00.000 Not American.
00:19:01.000 American soccer's, like, if L.A. plays, like, D.C. Right.
00:19:05.000 The Columbus Crew.
00:19:06.000 Yeah.
00:19:07.000 Yeah, that's horrible.
00:19:08.000 It's horrible, but...
00:19:09.000 International-level soccer is pretty badass. 0.99
00:19:11.000 Yeah, because now you're dealing with, like, the shit-talking goes to a whole nother level. 0.96
00:19:15.000 You're talking, there's wars, won and lost between the two teams. 0.99
00:19:19.000 There's Holocaust, genocide. 0.80
00:19:21.000 Yeah, that's true.
00:19:22.000 Different fundamental, and they're singing songs.
00:19:25.000 You know, they're going nuts.
00:19:26.000 They got their Elton John scarves on.
00:19:28.000 Do you hear what's going on in Africa?
00:19:29.000 I forget what country it is in Africa, but two people have been killed and a bunch have been arrested for watching the World Cup.
00:19:37.000 Because it's like a super extreme Muslim village that has a very extreme interpretation of the Koran. 1.00
00:19:43.000 And apparently the Koran does not allow gambling, does not allow any sort of games, and does not allow dancing.
00:19:48.000 And any of those things they'll lock you up for.
00:19:49.000 So this is considered a game.
00:19:52.000 No happiness.
00:19:53.000 And so the World Cup is considered a game.
00:19:55.000 So they're going door-to-door and arresting people for watching the World Cup.
00:19:59.000 Brian, Google that real quick. 0.99
00:20:00.000 Tell me what the fuck that is. 0.99
00:20:02.000 By the way, how's that coffee taste? 0.99
00:20:03.000 It's great. 0.99
00:20:04.000 It's coming out of an animal's butt. 0.98
00:20:05.000 I'm loving that. 0.98
00:20:06.000 Oh, really? 1.00
00:20:06.000 This is the ass... 1.00
00:20:07.000 Butt coffee. 1.00
00:20:07.000 Ah, it's really good ass coffee. 1.00
00:20:08.000 It's good, right? 0.87
00:20:09.000 Isn't it smooth?
00:20:09.000 Yeah.
00:20:10.000 There's a coffee called Kopi Luwak, and it comes from the butthole of a thing called a palm civet.
00:20:17.000 There's this animal that eats coffee beans and shits them out. 0.99
00:20:20.000 And they go through his digestive tract, and they pull these little beans out of his shit, clean them up, and sell them. 0.99
00:20:27.000 And they make coffee out of them, and the coffee's super smooth. 0.99
00:20:30.000 Is it an insect?
00:20:32.000 No, it's like a cat.
00:20:33.000 Like a civet.
00:20:34.000 You know what a civet is? 1.00
00:20:35.000 It's just big, fucking... 1.00
00:20:36.000 Well, not big. 1.00
00:20:37.000 It's a little... 1.00
00:20:37.000 This is bullshit. 1.00
00:20:38.000 No, no, it's true. 1.00
00:20:39.000 It's totally true.
00:20:40.000 It's gross.
00:20:41.000 It's called K-O-P-I Luwak. 1.00
00:20:44.000 L-U-W-A-K. It's not a cat.
00:20:45.000 It's a civet.
00:20:46.000 But it looks like a cat.
00:20:47.000 You know, it's got a long tail.
00:20:48.000 It's like this weird animal that eats coffee beans.
00:20:50.000 So it eats the beans, shits them out, and then...
00:20:53.000 Somehow or another, I guess they thought the beans were worth too much money to let these animals eat. 1.00
00:20:57.000 I'm like, fuck, let's not let them go to waste. 0.99
00:20:59.000 Somebody must have been desperate when they first tried it. 0.99
00:21:01.000 But now it's worth a lot of money.
00:21:03.000 I probably wouldn't have tried it unless I'm deep in this coffee.
00:21:06.000 I snuck it in on you.
00:21:08.000 But then it added a new flavor.
00:21:12.000 Yeah, it makes it more mellow.
00:21:14.000 It makes it taste better.
00:21:15.000 It really does.
00:21:15.000 It's good.
00:21:16.000 Not that good.
00:21:17.000 My favorite coffee is from Hawaii.
00:21:19.000 But I'm a coffee freak.
00:21:21.000 What, some Samoan stuck it in his armpit? 0.64
00:21:25.000 Did you find the story?
00:21:27.000 Yeah, it said Samoans are going underground to watch band soccer.
00:21:30.000 Is that what you're talking about? 0.99
00:21:32.000 There was a bunch of arrests, too, because Somalia is fucking buck wild, man. 1.00
00:21:37.000 You know that People's Coast Guard of Somalia? 0.99
00:21:39.000 Those guys that are just jacking people every day out there?
00:21:41.000 I know the Georgia Week.
00:21:42.000 I remember those guys.
00:21:43.000 Do you know what they're doing?
00:21:44.000 You know the whole thing about Somali pirates.
00:21:46.000 You know, they're high on a drug.
00:21:48.000 They take this thing called cat. 0.91
00:21:50.000 It's like a plant that they chew, like the leaves of this plant, and it's a narcotic.
00:21:55.000 It's like crystal meth.
00:21:56.000 Oh, so like the boy soldiers over there?
00:21:58.000 I don't know.
00:21:58.000 What's the boy soldiers?
00:21:59.000 That's like when you're eight years old, but you're a soldier?
00:22:02.000 Oh, well, yeah.
00:22:03.000 I mean, the war over there is incredible. 0.98
00:22:05.000 Yeah, I mean, you see dudes with like hyenas on chains and they're carrying around fucking rocket launchers down the streets.
00:22:11.000 I mean, some of the, like Liberia, like some of the videos about, you ever seen the Vice Guide series online? 0.99
00:22:18.000 These guys, they go to some of the craziest fucking places in the world and you see some of the nuttiest shit. 0.98
00:22:22.000 Like, they went to the Arctic Circle with this guy who lives up there in a fucking cabin in the Arctic Circle and hunts caribou all day. 1.00
00:22:28.000 That's all he does. 0.99
00:22:29.000 He hunts and eats and hunts and eats.
00:22:31.000 That's what happens when you tap out.
00:22:33.000 Yeah.
00:22:33.000 This guy's been there for 30 years, though.
00:22:35.000 It's really fascinating.
00:22:37.000 But anyway, they went to North Korea and they also went to Liberia. 0.99
00:22:40.000 And Liberia is fucking crazy. 0.99
00:22:44.000 First of all, there's been war in Liberia forever. 0.99
00:22:47.000 Liberia was basically founded, from what I understand, is they had American slaves that they let go.
00:22:52.000 And they sent them back to Africa and they formed Liberia.
00:22:55.000 And the UN was there until like really recently, like 10, 20 years ago or something like that.
00:22:59.000 And now they're gone and the place is just chaos.
00:23:02.000 It's just war and cannibalism is running rampant.
00:23:05.000 They're eating each other left and right.
00:23:07.000 They sell like human food on the corner, like human meat.
00:23:10.000 And people don't know it and they buy it and guys turn people in.
00:23:13.000 There's this one guy. 0.81
00:23:14.000 His name was General Butt Naked because he would go to war and he would get butt naked. 0.98
00:23:20.000 And he believed that he could not be killed because he would eat the blood and flesh of an innocent child of the enemy. 0.95
00:23:26.000 So they would go to the enemy's camp. 1.00
00:23:27.000 They would steal a child, kill the child, and eat a piece of its fucking heart because they felt like they wouldn't be able to die in combat. 1.00
00:23:34.000 This is a guy that's alive right now. 1.00
00:23:35.000 Sounds like a plan. 0.96
00:23:38.000 You don't realize how fucking crazy the world can be until you watch what's going on in Africa. 1.00
00:23:44.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't know. 0.98
00:23:47.000 I take a lot of comfort in knowing that I can only die once.
00:23:51.000 What do you think?
00:23:53.000 I don't think, like, you work out too much, you wouldn't be worth...
00:23:56.000 Joe would be like a flank steak.
00:23:59.000 You know, just some tough piece of meat.
00:24:01.000 You want somebody more...
00:24:03.000 Joey Diaz would be delicious.
00:24:04.000 Oh, he'd be like veal.
00:24:10.000 And he could sell them for days.
00:24:12.000 If you think about the way Africa is right now with a lot of countries like Liberia and Somalia, it really is like the apocalypse. 1.00
00:24:18.000 If that was going on right here, if that was over here, if we were in fucking... 0.98
00:24:24.000 North Hollywood, there was gangs that were eating each other and fucking shooting each other and walking down the street with hyenas. 0.99
00:24:30.000 We would go, okay, the end is here. 0.99
00:24:31.000 This is the end. 1.00
00:24:32.000 Yeah, but you know what I love about that shit? 1.00
00:24:34.000 Those are the guys who win. 1.00
00:24:36.000 All these...
00:24:36.000 Who's that?
00:24:37.000 Not Bill Bixby.
00:24:38.000 What the hell's the name of that guy?
00:24:39.000 The guy with the...
00:24:40.000 He's been riding a bicycle out here forever.
00:24:42.000 Solar Panels and...
00:24:44.000 Not Bill Bixby.
00:24:45.000 Ed Bagley Jr. Oh, Ed Bagley Jr. Bill Bixby!
00:24:48.000 I'm bad with the names.
00:24:50.000 Ed Bagley Jr. Yeah, there's that Green show, yeah.
00:24:52.000 That...
00:24:53.000 He's gonna be... 1.00
00:24:54.000 Apocalypse comes, he's gonna be fucked. 1.00
00:24:57.000 I have this theory that people who gather all this shit for it, if you don't have... 1.00
00:25:02.000 You need a militia. 0.99
00:25:04.000 Because if you don't, all you're doing is you're just turning your house into a supply room.
00:25:08.000 A target.
00:25:09.000 Yeah, for the toughest guys who come down the block and then just take it from you.
00:25:12.000 My car's like that.
00:25:13.000 My car has walkie-talkies in it. 0.99
00:25:15.000 It's got fucking every single... 0.99
00:25:17.000 Like sleeping bags, just in case I'd have to escape this city real quick, but it's starting to get retarded. 1.00
00:25:23.000 Like I have batteries that I can recharge by the sun and stuff like that.
00:25:27.000 Do you realize the level of heads up, how on the inside you'd have to be that this entire city wouldn't be like gridlock of people leaving?
00:25:36.000 Yeah.
00:25:36.000 Yeah.
00:25:37.000 Oh, this city would be the worst ever.
00:25:39.000 They don't even know how many people in LA. That's why I won't fill out the census.
00:25:42.000 They're like, you know, fill out the census. 0.99
00:25:43.000 What the fuck is the point? 0.99
00:25:45.000 There's about 20 million Mexicans that you don't have a count on. 1.00
00:25:49.000 They literally have no idea how many Mexicans are here. 0.99
00:25:52.000 It's fucking just a flat-out guess. 1.00
00:25:55.000 I'm not shitting on Mexicans. 1.00
00:25:56.000 I would do the goddamn same thing. 1.00
00:25:58.000 My grandparents were immigrants. 0.99
00:26:00.000 I got no problem with immigration.
00:26:02.000 I don't even believe in countries. 0.98
00:26:04.000 I think the whole thing is ridiculous. 0.99
00:26:05.000 I mean, I think if they came over here, yeah, I would fuck things up. 0.99
00:26:08.000 But you know what?
00:26:08.000 Really, that's how it's supposed to be.
00:26:09.000 You're not supposed to keep people impoverished in a shitty place just because you claim this patch of dirt and you don't let them over here. 0.99
00:26:16.000 I think that's ridiculous. 0.89
00:26:17.000 You know, if there weren't countries and you were just allowed to just sort of cruise around, Where would you go?
00:26:23.000 That would be the problem.
00:26:24.000 Things would level out. 0.98
00:26:26.000 The problem is you let people go and move to wherever they want and people are always going to move to the place where it's better and they're going to abandon their shitty place. 0.99
00:26:34.000 But if you don't allow them, they have to stay in their shitty place and make their shitty place better, which they're never going to fucking do. 0.97
00:26:39.000 So you ensure that there's always going to be levels of people. 0.99
00:26:42.000 The only way to keep levels other than that is just fucking be heavily armed. 0.98
00:26:47.000 You have to be armed to the teeth. 0.99
00:26:48.000 Your whole town would have to be an armory, you know? 0.54
00:26:51.000 Like, literally, if you wanted to keep people out, you would have to, like, constantly be shooting people.
00:26:55.000 Plus the weapons they have now.
00:26:57.000 I just love how they've been stealing money from our paychecks to basically invent these weapons that'll make it impossible for...
00:27:04.000 There'll never be another revolution.
00:27:06.000 No.
00:27:06.000 Other than, you know who's doing it right is that guy out there in the Carolinas, the Blackwater guy, whatever.
00:27:11.000 Whatever the fuck it's called. 0.98
00:27:12.000 What are you talking about? 1.00
00:27:13.000 The Bill Bixby guy out there.
00:27:15.000 The Bill Bixby guy. 1.00
00:27:17.000 That fucking dude, he buys like old F-16s and old tanks. 1.00
00:27:22.000 And he basically, they're saying if he wanted to, could take over the White House and all of D.C. by the time they fucking responded. 1.00
00:27:30.000 Who the fuck is this guy? 1.00
00:27:32.000 He's fucking, he's a... 1.00
00:27:35.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:27:36.000 Blackwater.
00:27:36.000 So this is a private contractor?
00:27:39.000 Yeah.
00:27:39.000 I can't believe, Jesus Christ, I can't believe you haven't heard of the guy.
00:27:42.000 No.
00:27:43.000 Well, I know there's one guy that was...
00:27:45.000 Comedy Central has a development deal with him.
00:27:48.000 He's the final guy in show business.
00:27:50.000 If he was funny, they would do it.
00:27:53.000 Yeah, he has like, he's got like his own thing.
00:27:57.000 Did it come up?
00:27:58.000 Eric Prince?
00:27:58.000 Isn't that the guy that got popped for murder?
00:28:01.000 He's being processed for a bunch of different things. 0.98
00:28:05.000 Oh, he's the guy, he actually has his own, basically, from what I've heard, has his own militia, and actually he gets hired out by the U.S. government for them to go over there when they want to do some covert, extra filthy shit. 0.99
00:28:17.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:28:17.000 This is the conspiracy theory. 0.99
00:28:19.000 I have a friend who went over there.
00:28:21.000 Who worked for who?
00:28:21.000 He worked for Blackwater.
00:28:22.000 He went over there twice.
00:28:23.000 Dude, two seconds ago you asked me who they were.
00:28:25.000 No, I know who Blackwater is.
00:28:26.000 I didn't know who this guy is that stores all these weapons.
00:28:29.000 Oh, the head guy.
00:28:31.000 A private guy.
00:28:31.000 Well, I have a friend who was a sniper in the Marines.
00:28:35.000 And when he got out, he went back over.
00:28:38.000 I think he went to both Afghanistan and Iraq.
00:28:40.000 But he definitely went to Afghanistan.
00:28:42.000 He went twice for money.
00:28:44.000 Because he was opening up a gym, a mixed martial arts gym.
00:28:46.000 And he needed some cash.
00:28:48.000 So he just went over there for a few months and he made like some ridiculous amount of money, like something like $10,000 a month or something like that.
00:28:55.000 It was a lot of money.
00:28:55.000 So for him, they'd go over for a couple months, make 30 grand, you know?
00:28:59.000 Did he do like the stereotypical go up in the bell tower?
00:29:03.000 Yeah, he was in a bell tower.
00:29:04.000 There was times where he was in a tower.
00:29:07.000 Eric Prince is the owner of Blackwater, so I'm guessing that's who you're talking about.
00:29:11.000 That's the guy that's in trouble, right?
00:29:13.000 Right.
00:29:13.000 And he's like fleeing.
00:29:15.000 He's in trouble. 1.00
00:29:16.000 He's a murderer.
00:29:17.000 They had to take him down because he got too powerful because he could basically... 0.95
00:29:21.000 That guy could write out any sort of...
00:29:25.000 Uprising.
00:29:26.000 Any sort of craziness.
00:29:27.000 The economy went crazy or whatever.
00:29:29.000 It's just like, yeah, well, I got guns and an endless bag of snow peas or whatever.
00:29:35.000 And a bunch of mercenaries that are loyal to you that you've paid forever.
00:29:38.000 You know, you've been paying these guys to do all these campaigns for you overseas. 0.97
00:29:42.000 They're all murderers for you. 1.00
00:29:43.000 And, you know, you keep those guys on the line and say, hey, you know, we're going to run this shit. 1.00
00:29:46.000 I'm going to take care of you. 1.00
00:29:47.000 You take care of me. 1.00
00:29:48.000 You know, Semper Fi, motherfucker. 1.00
00:29:50.000 Blackwater for life. 1.00
00:29:51.000 The whole deal.
00:29:52.000 Right.
00:29:52.000 And when it kind of goes down, they can defend it.
00:29:55.000 But then what always ends up happening is eventually is somebody always wants your title.
00:29:59.000 So someone would want to be him.
00:30:01.000 And that's how it goes down.
00:30:03.000 That's how it goes down in Mexico.
00:30:04.000 The drug lords. 1.00
00:30:05.000 You know, it's just a matter of time before something happens with one of those fucking guys. 1.00
00:30:09.000 You got a guy who's got that much power, that many jets and fucking machine guns and tanks and shit. 1.00
00:30:13.000 He's going to get a little nutty. 0.99
00:30:14.000 You want to use them?
00:30:15.000 Yeah.
00:30:16.000 You know what I mean?
00:30:17.000 It's like you bought a bag of fireworks.
00:30:18.000 You're just gonna stick them in the corner of your bedroom, wait till the next 4th of July.
00:30:22.000 You're not.
00:30:23.000 Occasionally you're gonna light off an M80. They like to use them.
00:30:27.000 This is the first time in human history, or rather in the history of the United States, that we've had a deal with mercenaries. 0.98
00:30:33.000 We haven't had mercenaries in this country in a long, long, long fucking time. 0.90
00:30:38.000 This whole giant mercenary corporation sort of a thing, this is very recent. 0.99
00:30:42.000 This is just Cheney and Bush.
00:30:43.000 They didn't use mercenaries during Clinton.
00:30:46.000 There was no mercenaries during the Jimmy Carter days. 1.00
00:30:49.000 This is some crazy shit. 1.00
00:30:51.000 Cheney and Bush, the Hall and Oates... 1.00
00:30:53.000 I mean, the fact that they can hire these people to go do shit that you're not supposed to do. 1.00
00:30:57.000 Shit that's not in the Geneva Convention, shit that's totally illegal. 0.99
00:31:00.000 We've been doing that for a while, though. 1.00
00:31:01.000 I know we have, but we haven't been doing it this openly, you know?
00:31:04.000 Oh, yeah, no.
00:31:05.000 They just hire a company to do it?
00:31:06.000 They have a company specifically for that?
00:31:08.000 Well, I think it's like when wrestling finally just came out and said it's sports entertainment. 1.00
00:31:12.000 They're like, all right, you know, we hire these guys for some filthy shit. 0.99
00:31:15.000 What do you want from us? 1.00
00:31:16.000 It's entertaining, though, right?
00:31:18.000 Yeah, and they changed it to WWE. They changed the name of Blackwater.
00:31:21.000 What is it now?
00:31:22.000 I don't know.
00:31:23.000 Something short.
00:31:23.000 Something happier.
00:31:25.000 Yeah, Bunny Rabbits Incorporated.
00:31:27.000 Clear water.
00:31:28.000 Fresh drinking water for everybody.
00:31:31.000 Babies are us.
00:31:33.000 Arrowhead.
00:31:34.000 Yeah.
00:31:35.000 We love the children.
00:31:36.000 That's what they changed it to.
00:31:37.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:31:40.000 There's two schools of thought. 0.99
00:31:41.000 One is the world's a fucked up place. 1.00
00:31:42.000 Look at what's going on in Africa. 1.00
00:31:44.000 Look at what's going on in the Middle East.
00:31:45.000 Don't you want somebody over there protecting you?
00:31:47.000 They're just trying to keep America cool, keep our standard of life, keep our standard of living the same.
00:31:51.000 I see that argument, too.
00:31:53.000 But then, you know, you see also the other argument.
00:31:55.000 See, I don't believe in that whole that those guys have to live the way they live so I live the way I live.
00:32:01.000 So those guys on top can have as much as they have.
00:32:03.000 Well, that's definitely much more likely.
00:32:05.000 You know what was pissing me off the other day?
00:32:07.000 But I think they also do keep...
00:32:09.000 It's a two-fold argument.
00:32:11.000 One, it's like they keep conflict going on, and the more conflict they keep going on, the more we're going to need government, the more we're going to need protection.
00:32:17.000 I mean, that's been proven that they create conflict in other parts of the world in order to control different regions. 0.98
00:32:22.000 They'll arm someone if their enemy is, you know, the other side, and they'll fuck with things. 0.96
00:32:27.000 We've manipulated... 1.00
00:32:28.000 Yeah, but all that bullshit where they justify, like, sweatshop labor and moving factories out of the U.S., And, you know, they just went around the unions and then they just justified it by saying, you know, they always say, in order to compete in a global economy, it's like, fuck you. 0.99
00:32:46.000 It's like, in order for you to get another yacht. 0.99
00:32:48.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
00:32:49.000 You can't legally pay a child, you know, whatever the fuck they pay over there. 0.99
00:32:54.000 In America. 0.99
00:32:55.000 Yeah, you can't do it. 1.00
00:32:56.000 So they just went around all of that shit, and then they stuck all of... 0.99
00:32:59.000 Everybody's in cubicles now. 1.00
00:33:00.000 Dude, that's what scares me when I go on the road.
00:33:02.000 But that gets to who is they.
00:33:03.000 See, because we were just talking about the military before.
00:33:06.000 We were talking about the military.
00:33:07.000 Now we're talking about corporations.
00:33:07.000 Now I'm talking about corporations.
00:33:09.000 I'm talking about big business where I think corporations are at the end.
00:33:12.000 Every quarter they have to show a profit.
00:33:13.000 They're at the end of legal ways to do it. 0.85
00:33:16.000 So now they're just straight up beginning to steal. 0.99
00:33:20.000 Like my fucking bank that's taking 28 bucks a month out of my account for no reason. 0.99
00:33:25.000 I didn't even notice, you know, on the road, one of those fucking accounts, you just, you know, have a couple on a button. 0.99
00:33:29.000 I finally said, dude, why are you taking 28 bucks out of this? 0.95
00:33:32.000 And they did a on the laptop.
00:33:34.000 Oh, yeah, we shouldn't be doing that.
00:33:35.000 I go, all right, well, I've had this for five years.
00:33:39.000 Let's go back.
00:33:39.000 They go, unfortunately, sir, our records only go back four months.
00:33:42.000 Oh, isn't that convenient? 0.97
00:33:44.000 I bet if I was getting 28 bucks from you, you know, the other way, I bet they would fucking go back to the 60s. 0.98
00:33:48.000 Same thing happened to me. 0.96
00:33:49.000 It was three months.
00:33:51.000 And this is what they said to me.
00:33:52.000 I said, what if I bring in all my records?
00:33:54.000 What if I bring in all my records?
00:33:56.000 And then they go, sir, we're still only going to reimburse you four months. 0.76
00:33:59.000 I go, that's ridiculous.
00:34:02.000 And the guy at the bank goes, well, the bank looks at it like that's on you. 0.98
00:34:06.000 Right.
00:34:07.000 Because I didn't catch him.
00:34:08.000 It's on you to pay attention that they're stealing?
00:34:09.000 Yeah, it's up to you to pay attention.
00:34:12.000 What he was basically saying was, lawyer up.
00:34:17.000 Yeah.
00:34:17.000 Well, you're up, buddy.
00:34:18.000 Go ahead.
00:34:18.000 Pretty much how it works is that's why you have 30 days.
00:34:20.000 You know, for credit cards, you have 30 days to return shit. 0.74
00:34:23.000 You have 30 days to make sure all these charges are correct. 0.99
00:34:25.000 Once you get past 30 days, then you're pretty much screwed. 0.81
00:34:27.000 Dude, they do other shit where if you say you're one of these guys, I pay off my balance every month and you think you're getting them, this is what they do is if... 0.87
00:34:36.000 If you pay it three days before, this guy was telling me it ends up being late because they send it somewhere else to be processed. 0.92
00:34:43.000 They deliberately, they artificially delay it.
00:34:46.000 So by the time it does get to that, it's messed up.
00:34:51.000 And this is one of those other things.
00:34:52.000 Someone told me that in a Starbucks...
00:34:54.000 And it might not be true.
00:34:55.000 I got three quarters of the way through the sentence and I realized I didn't have any official words to use there.
00:35:00.000 I do know there has to be something official because nowadays you can write a check and within hours that check clears your bank.
00:35:07.000 And I'm like, that's a check and it's going through in two hours?
00:35:10.000 And they're like, yes, this is, you know, technology has changed in the banking system so this is new.
00:35:14.000 But yet, if you try to pay something off or do something like that, it's like immediately...
00:35:19.000 I mean, it takes like three days on your...
00:35:20.000 Like transfer funds.
00:35:22.000 Right.
00:35:22.000 You know, it takes like three days.
00:35:23.000 What?
00:35:24.000 It makes no sense.
00:35:25.000 Because it's not there.
00:35:26.000 It's artificial.
00:35:27.000 However long they can hold on to your money, they make interest off your money, too.
00:35:31.000 So I guess if you think about it like that, like, you know, if they hold on to your money an extra few days before they do something, and you add that up over, you know, the million people they have in their bank and the 365 days a year...
00:35:42.000 that practice probably nets them a significant amount of money.
00:35:45.000 If you look at it like that. - Dude, 28 bucks from every shithead like me who doesn't check for a fucking year. 1.00
00:35:50.000 And I didn't notice until it went under a thousand bucks 'cause I knew I had a thousand something in there. 0.99
00:35:55.000 It was one of the accounts I had back east.
00:35:58.000 So I came out here and I was always meaning to close it out.
00:36:02.000 You know, I had like 1200 bucks or something in it and then all of a sudden I'm out here for like a year and a half and all of a sudden I get my statement and it was like down to like 900 something bucks And that is on me. 1.00
00:36:11.000 It is on me because I didn't realize that your bank could fucking steal from you and then just say, well, you know, go fuck yourself. 1.00
00:36:17.000 That's kind of your fault. 1.00
00:36:18.000 Tell you what, we'll give you, like, 80, 90 bucks back.
00:36:21.000 All right there, buddy?
00:36:22.000 So is that what they gave you?
00:36:23.000 They gave you, like, three months back?
00:36:25.000 I don't even know if they did.
00:36:26.000 The guy just said he would.
00:36:27.000 I walked out disgusted, and then the NBA Finals started, bred the circus, and I started watching that, and I never followed up.
00:36:33.000 There's actually something that just passed, you guys.
00:36:35.000 Especially the audience might want to check this out.
00:36:38.000 It used to be a credit card like a bank or a credit card, if you had seven charges go through at the same time, they can take out all those seven charges and then charge you seven overdraft fees.
00:36:49.000 That's how they used to be able to do it.
00:36:50.000 But something just passed recently that you could tell your credit cards and your bank that if there's no money in your account, you're not allowed to pull money out.
00:36:58.000 So they're trying to trick you into signing and going, no, let's keep it the old way.
00:37:03.000 So they'll call you up or...
00:37:05.000 They'll tell you, like, hey, you know, you want to make sure all these charges go through, right?
00:37:09.000 Yeah, well, you need to accept these.
00:37:10.000 Is that what that letter was about?
00:37:11.000 That's what that new letter is.
00:37:12.000 That letter was that I blew off?
00:37:14.000 Yeah, don't blow it off.
00:37:15.000 Tell all your credit card companies know that if there is no money in the account, you don't want it to go through, and you'll save yourself all those.
00:37:21.000 You'll never have an overdraft charge again.
00:37:23.000 They're forcing overdraft fees on people.
00:37:25.000 They're trying to.
00:37:26.000 They're trying to go back to the old way where like you would have seven things go through like a $3 charge and then you get charged $39 for an overdraft fee.
00:37:33.000 You're like, well, why did it go through if I had no money in my account?
00:37:37.000 Or if you made a deposit to cover it, they input the deposit last.
00:37:41.000 Last, right.
00:37:42.000 And then bam, bam, bam, and they nail it.
00:37:44.000 Well, a deposit takes 90 days to go through where the charge only takes three seconds to cover it.
00:37:49.000 Yeah.
00:37:50.000 I'm sorry, sir.
00:37:51.000 Change that.
00:37:51.000 I know.
00:37:51.000 I understand.
00:37:52.000 There's nothing we can do.
00:37:53.000 I love that.
00:37:53.000 That's what you always get.
00:37:54.000 There's nothing we can do.
00:37:55.000 I don't...
00:37:56.000 I got on a plane ticket the other day and I show up and all of a sudden I don't have a seat reservation.
00:38:02.000 I have one on the way out.
00:38:03.000 Well, it's oversold.
00:38:05.000 Well, I didn't do that.
00:38:06.000 And then the lady has like an attitude with me. 1.00
00:38:10.000 And it's like, what the fuck? 0.99
00:38:11.000 I spent $400, $500. 1.00
00:38:14.000 They asked me where I wanted to sit. 1.00
00:38:16.000 I picked out the fucking seat. 1.00
00:38:17.000 And I was told I have a reservation. 1.00
00:38:19.000 And then you oversold.
00:38:21.000 Did you imagine if you did that with a car?
00:38:22.000 Yeah.
00:38:23.000 Somebody pays for a car.
00:38:24.000 And you go, okay, your car's waiting for you.
00:38:26.000 And the guy comes down.
00:38:27.000 No, no.
00:38:27.000 It was oversold.
00:38:29.000 I oversold the car.
00:38:30.000 That should be against the law.
00:38:31.000 I wanted to make sure I sold the car.
00:38:32.000 So I sold it twice. 0.99
00:38:33.000 Yeah, but that's not even as bad because you can get in your car and fucking drive home. 0.99
00:38:37.000 Imagine if they go... 0.98
00:38:38.000 What if somebody dropped you off there?
00:38:39.000 No, no.
00:38:39.000 We oversold whatever car you have.
00:38:41.000 So they had to come and take yours and took it away and you're fucking sitting in your house going, yeah, but I have to go to the airport. 0.96
00:38:46.000 I'm sorry, sir. 0.95
00:38:47.000 There's nothing we can do.
00:38:48.000 How can they do that?
00:38:50.000 I don't care if they're losing money.
00:38:51.000 How can they sell more seats than there are seats? 1.00
00:38:54.000 That should be a fucking fraud. 0.99
00:38:56.000 I think they figured out a way to have... 0.99
00:39:00.000 Remember 10 years ago when you used to go on the road?
00:39:02.000 How many times was the seat next to you empty?
00:39:05.000 All the time.
00:39:06.000 And occasionally you'd get the whole row and you'd curl up.
00:39:08.000 Back in the good old days.
00:39:09.000 The good old days.
00:39:10.000 The good old days.
00:39:10.000 When does that happen now?
00:39:11.000 It never happens now because they'll always say like...
00:39:14.000 They cancel flights and jam people together.
00:39:16.000 There you go. 0.98
00:39:16.000 They don't give a fuck about your convenience. 0.98
00:39:18.000 That's right. 0.96
00:39:19.000 And they'll just give away tickets to people that will...
00:39:21.000 Like, hey, you get a free ticket if you wait until the next flight.
00:39:24.000 So they're not actually overselling it because they'll get rid of those tickets for you.
00:39:27.000 You know what though? 0.97
00:39:28.000 The way I look at it, you have to have fucking airlines or I wouldn't have a job. 0.98
00:39:32.000 I literally need airlines to get along. 0.99
00:39:34.000 No, no.
00:39:35.000 Most people don't.
00:39:36.000 I'm not against airlines.
00:39:37.000 I'm just against telling me I have a seat and then I don't.
00:39:39.000 I hate that too. 0.99
00:39:40.000 But whatever the fuck they have to do to stay in business. 0.99
00:39:43.000 For us, for comics, could you imagine if you had a fucking drive to all your gigs? 0.99
00:39:47.000 Could you imagine if you had a drive if you had a New York gig? 0.96
00:39:50.000 Okay, I got a gig on Friday in New York, so it's Monday.
00:39:53.000 I'm packing up my car. 0.98
00:39:54.000 Could you fucking imagine? 0.99
00:39:56.000 No, you know what would be great? 0.99
00:39:58.000 Immediately how regional all our comedy would become.
00:40:01.000 Oh, sorry.
00:40:02.000 Back in the day in Boston.
00:40:03.000 I had jokes when I... There was a chain like 7-Eleven called Christie's.
00:40:09.000 Remember that?
00:40:09.000 Yeah.
00:40:10.000 I'll never forget the first time I did a gig outside of Boston.
00:40:12.000 I think it was like New Hampshire. 0.99
00:40:14.000 And I had some stupid joke about winning the lottery, how nobody respects you. 0.99
00:40:18.000 Like, you move into a rich neighborhood, and they're like, what do you do? 0.99
00:40:20.000 I'm a doctor.
00:40:21.000 I did this.
00:40:21.000 I'm a brain surgeon.
00:40:22.000 What do you do?
00:40:23.000 I say, oh, I went to Christie's.
00:40:24.000 Like, you know, meaning I got a lottery ticket. 0.98
00:40:26.000 It wasn't even a good fucking joke to begin with. 0.97
00:40:28.000 And then I went up to New Hampshire, and I told the joke. 0.99
00:40:31.000 And I'm like, I went to Christie's. 0.97
00:40:32.000 It was the first time I used a reference that nobody fucking got. 0.97
00:40:35.000 And I was... 0.97
00:40:35.000 Remember that high five? 0.97
00:40:36.000 You were gone by then.
00:40:37.000 The high five gig?
00:40:38.000 Where was that?
00:40:39.000 The top of the only skyscraper in, like, Manchester, New Hampshire.
00:40:42.000 Oh, no.
00:40:43.000 No, I didn't get that one. 0.99
00:40:44.000 Yeah, yeah, and I ate my balls. 0.99
00:40:47.000 I used to do a lot of local material when I was living in Boston because it would kill. 1.00
00:40:53.000 So you did jokes about girls from Revere with the big bulletproof hairdos and a lot of regional shit. 0.94
00:40:59.000 And then when I would go on the road, it was like I was disarmed. 0.92
00:41:02.000 Like none of my references would work.
00:41:05.000 I would tell a Revere Beach joke, and you would get recognition laughter in Boston.
00:41:09.000 But when you're on the road, they just, okay, where's the joke?
00:41:12.000 Well, you remember those guys, and they'd go down to Jersey and be like, what's the equivalent to Revere Beach down here?
00:41:19.000 You've got to regionalize all your references.
00:41:21.000 The only time that's happened lately is if I go over to Europe.
00:41:26.000 And I was saying to somebody the other day, one of the few things that not only I didn't have to change, but fucking destroyed was a reference to Ric Flair. 0.66
00:41:38.000 Really? 0.85
00:41:38.000 The wrestler? 0.85
00:41:39.000 Ric Flair.
00:41:39.000 That's how big those guys are.
00:41:41.000 Wow. 1.00
00:41:41.000 Fucking destroyed in London, Dublin, and Glasgow, Scotland. 1.00
00:41:46.000 Well, they have a lot of American culture over there. 0.99
00:41:50.000 England especially.
00:41:51.000 I find that English...
00:41:52.000 American comedians translate way quicker to England than England do to American.
00:41:58.000 Yeah, we're like, yeah, we're snobs over here.
00:42:01.000 We hear like a British accent.
00:42:02.000 We're like, English!
00:42:03.000 Yeah, but I mean, but I'm saying like the comedy doesn't translate as well.
00:42:08.000 They have a very specific type of humor, but they get ours, you know?
00:42:12.000 Yeah, I don't know what I feel like.
00:42:15.000 I feel like when British comedians or comedians from over there, I either love them or not only do I not like them, but I feel like they're like 15 years behind the time, which is odd.
00:42:25.000 They're so nice over there.
00:42:27.000 It's almost like the attitude they have as a country, as a culture, hampers their ability to tell real stand-up. 0.99
00:42:33.000 Because real stand-up, there's a part of real stand-up that's like, what the fuck are you doing? 0.98
00:42:36.000 They don't have that. 0.99
00:42:37.000 They don't get that.
00:42:38.000 But somehow it comes out in their music, though. 0.99
00:42:40.000 Like, it always seems like, you know, everything from, like, the Sex Pistols to fucking Ozzy Osbourne, all these broke, angry fucking dudes. 0.99
00:42:48.000 It comes out in fighting, too. 0.97
00:42:49.000 There's a lot of tough MMA guys that come out of the UK. Yeah, somehow.
00:42:52.000 I'm trying to think...
00:42:52.000 They're more polite.
00:42:53.000 There's something about their humor.
00:42:55.000 It's just like...
00:42:55.000 You know what it is?
00:42:56.000 It's cheeky.
00:42:57.000 Isn't that the word that they use?
00:42:58.000 Cheeky?
00:42:58.000 Cheeky.
00:42:59.000 I don't know what it is.
00:43:01.000 Some of them are really good, but some of them it just doesn't.
00:43:06.000 I think, first of all, the style of comedy that you and I come from, too, you get very spoiled for a certain particular type of comedy.
00:43:14.000 Boston comedy is a very specific kind of comedy.
00:43:18.000 If you stop and think about how many good comics have come from Boston...
00:43:21.000 You know, Jay Leno came from Boston.
00:43:23.000 Steven Wright came from Boston. 0.96
00:43:25.000 Guys that people don't know that are probably better than 90% of the fucking people that are like big name comics like Gavin. 0.98
00:43:31.000 Don Gavin is one of the funniest guys ever walked the fucking face of the earth. 1.00
00:43:34.000 He's a monster. 1.00
00:43:36.000 He's a masterful comedian. 0.97
00:43:38.000 I think it's all like the East Coast.
00:43:39.000 I think all the way down to like DC, the amount of guys...
00:43:43.000 But I think that's also...
00:43:45.000 No, but Boston was a rare place.
00:43:47.000 Yeah, Boston does have a lot of big guys.
00:43:49.000 Because they didn't leave.
00:43:49.000 They didn't leave.
00:43:50.000 Those guys stayed there.
00:43:52.000 No one left Boston.
00:43:53.000 The big monsters, Steve Sweeney, Kenny Rogerson, Don Gavin, Mike Donovan.
00:43:59.000 When I was a kid, okay, and when I first started doing open mics there, and those guys were all the national headliners, or the local headliners, rather.
00:44:06.000 They'd be at Knicks, and they'd be at The Connection.
00:44:09.000 Right.
00:44:10.000 I remember sitting there watching those guys, and they would have some national guy come through, like Billy Crystal.
00:44:15.000 And Billy Crystal would come through.
00:44:17.000 And they would put on Don Gavin, Steve Sweeney, and Lenny Clark in a row, and then bring up Billy Crystal.
00:44:25.000 Yeah, it wasn't fair.
00:44:26.000 They did it on purpose.
00:44:27.000 Yeah, oh yeah.
00:44:28.000 They knew that the level of comedy was so high there, and these guys were only doing 20 minutes tight.
00:44:33.000 The same 20 minutes they've been doing for five years.
00:44:35.000 But they're also doing, a lot of them were doing local references. 0.99
00:44:37.000 Dude, I don't give a, if you put on four local headliners in front of me, if I'm on the road, yeah, I'm fucked. 1.00
00:44:44.000 You're fucked. 1.00
00:44:44.000 Well, you're fucked for the first couple minutes until you can get them into your groove. 1.00
00:44:47.000 But people love local shit, and Boston especially. 1.00
00:44:51.000 Boston is such a city that's in love with being from Boston. 1.00
00:44:55.000 Mike Donovan was one of my favorites.
00:44:56.000 His name doesn't get brought up enough for people top to grade.
00:44:59.000 He used to do that joke about...
00:45:01.000 His comedy was so blue-collar, and I was coming up working in warehouses and stuff.
00:45:09.000 It was weird. 0.98
00:45:09.000 Both my parents were professional white-collar, but I was a moron. 0.98
00:45:14.000 Fucked up in school. 0.99
00:45:15.000 So I had like blue collar jobs. 0.98
00:45:16.000 So his comedy was just right out over the place.
00:45:19.000 He did something.
00:45:20.000 He had some sort of back and forth with the boss. 1.00
00:45:22.000 And he made this reference, you know, basically telling the boss to go fuck himself. 1.00
00:45:27.000 He said, I'll take a 20 minute shit on the clock if I want to. 1.00
00:45:30.000 And I fucking fell out because it was always that lazy fuck thing. 1.00
00:45:34.000 Wouldn't help unload the trucks. 1.00
00:45:36.000 He had every goddamn trick in the book on how to somehow make that eight-hour day go by. 1.00
00:45:40.000 And one of them was when he would grab the Herald of the Globe to go take a shit. 1.00
00:45:44.000 And it would somehow take like fucking 40 minutes. 1.00
00:45:48.000 Every day. 0.99
00:45:49.000 Donovan, he's another one.
00:45:50.000 He's a master.
00:45:51.000 There was a bunch of guys that were around back then.
00:45:54.000 I mean, they're still around.
00:45:55.000 I'm sure Donovan, if you live in Boston, you could probably find him headlining somewhere.
00:45:58.000 I mean, he's still doing comedy, I'm sure, right?
00:46:00.000 I know he ran afoul into the IRS for a bit.
00:46:03.000 A lot of those guys that were working for cash for a long time, they weren't paying taxes on it.
00:46:07.000 I didn't hear anything about that.
00:46:09.000 I heard they were all up to date.
00:46:10.000 I don't know what you're talking about, Joe.
00:46:12.000 Yeah, you're right.
00:46:13.000 You know what?
00:46:13.000 I misheard.
00:46:14.000 I misheard.
00:46:15.000 I think those are those guys out in Long Island.
00:46:17.000 I think some of them did that.
00:46:18.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:46:18.000 I miss her.
00:46:20.000 Oh, here's another one that doesn't get brought up.
00:46:22.000 Teddy Bergeron.
00:46:23.000 You ever get a chance to see Teddy Bergeron? 0.99
00:46:25.000 Holy shit, that guy was good. 0.99
00:46:27.000 Let me tell you something. 0.98
00:46:27.000 I saw that guy in 1988. I was at an open mic night. 0.98
00:46:31.000 It was one of the first times that I thought about quitting comedy. 0.99
00:46:34.000 I went up, it was an open mic night, and I went up, and I did my little five minutes of fucking nonsense, stupid, terrible, bad comedy, just trying to make people laugh, didn't know what the fuck I was doing, and didn't go so good. 0.99
00:46:47.000 You know, those early sets, it was like one of my third or fourth sets, so not so good. 0.99
00:46:51.000 Clumsy, you know, maybe one laugh, and then I fuck it up with a bad punchline, and I just didn't know what I was doing. 0.92
00:46:58.000 Teddy Bergeron goes up, and Just so fucking smooth. 0.98
00:47:03.000 Smooth and relaxed. 0.92
00:47:05.000 And the way he would talk, just like mesmerizing. 0.99
00:47:09.000 And I had heard about his Tonight Show fucking set. 0.99
00:47:11.000 He had just done the Tonight Show. 0.99
00:47:13.000 And somebody had a video of it. 1.00
00:47:14.000 And they played the video, and he plays the fucking piano. 0.99
00:47:17.000 He talks about commercials, and he plays the piano and talks about it. 0.99
00:47:20.000 It's so fucking smooth and so good. 0.92
00:47:22.000 You would look at him and go, okay, this guy's going to be gigantic. 0.95
00:47:25.000 This guy's going to be bigger than Robin Williams.
00:47:28.000 He's going to be the biggest stand-up comic in the country.
00:47:30.000 Never left Boston.
00:47:32.000 Just stayed.
00:47:33.000 Yeah.
00:47:33.000 They all stayed.
00:47:34.000 I don't...
00:47:35.000 Yeah.
00:47:35.000 They were...
00:47:35.000 It was like townies.
00:47:37.000 Fucking crazy. 1.00
00:47:37.000 They were like townies but comedians. 1.00
00:47:40.000 But that guy...
00:47:41.000 Well, they all got work.
00:47:42.000 They all got work in Boston.
00:47:43.000 They didn't have to leave.
00:47:44.000 See, when they were working at Nick's Comedy Stop and they were working at Stitches and all these different clubs...
00:47:49.000 They could hop around from club to club.
00:47:52.000 You ever see that documentary?
00:47:54.000 Yeah, stand-ups.
00:47:54.000 Stand-ups stood out.
00:47:55.000 Yeah, and Lenny Clark talks about all the different sets that he did.
00:47:58.000 He would do all these different sets at night, and I would go from here to there, and there to there, and there to there, and close.
00:48:02.000 They'd be making $1,500 a night.
00:48:04.000 Yeah, and he'd just hire a driver just to wait outside and do all the sets.
00:48:08.000 What I love about those guys is there was almost like a height requirement too. 0.98
00:48:12.000 They were all like fucking 6'2", 6'3", huge guys. 0.96
00:48:16.000 And they literally would have like a keg of beer over one shoulder and like an eight ball in their hand and would just be going from club to club destroying. 0.99
00:48:26.000 Hammered and doing blow all the way.
00:48:28.000 Yeah, just to keep their buzz going.
00:48:29.000 And then at the end of the night... 0.99
00:48:31.000 Dude, I heard some fucking... 1.00
00:48:33.000 That backroom at Nick's, man. 1.00
00:48:34.000 Somebody...
00:48:35.000 Oh, they offered to pay me in Coke.
00:48:37.000 What?
00:48:38.000 Yeah, they would offer to pay you in Coke.
00:48:39.000 Yeah, that was the deal.
00:48:40.000 Did they go, you do Coke?
00:48:42.000 They go, no.
00:48:42.000 We can pay you in Coke.
00:48:44.000 No.
00:48:45.000 I'll take cash.
00:48:46.000 Yeah, I'll take cash. 1.00
00:48:46.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:48:47.000 Like, I thought that was a joke. 1.00
00:48:49.000 I didn't realize they pay you in Coke.
00:48:51.000 They offered to pay you in Coke.
00:48:52.000 And that was what a lot of guys did.
00:48:54.000 A lot of guys got some of their money in Coke.
00:48:56.000 Because I guess...
00:48:56.000 Are comedians and porn stars the two careers that can get paid in Coke...
00:49:00.000 If it had to come down to it.
00:49:02.000 Yeah, I would say probably bands too.
00:49:04.000 Probably a lot of bands.
00:49:05.000 Bands, a portion of the boxers back in the day.
00:49:07.000 About DJs.
00:49:08.000 They'd give you some chips.
00:49:09.000 You ever see that?
00:49:09.000 I know it's just a photo op thing, but you ever see that great picture of Sonny Liston?
00:49:13.000 Yeah.
00:49:13.000 Where he looks like he just knocked somebody out and he's sitting there still in his boxer trunks, hands taped up.
00:49:19.000 I think his hands were on, but that had to have been a promotional.
00:49:21.000 Even those mob guys would be like, come on Sonny, let's get you showered here. 0.53
00:49:25.000 Yeah, let's get you showered.
00:49:28.000 Don't you think that starting out in Boston was like one of the best places you could have ever chose to begin your comedy career?
00:49:34.000 I think about that a lot.
00:49:35.000 So lucky.
00:49:36.000 Whenever I think about that because...
00:49:37.000 When did you start?
00:49:38.000 What year?
00:49:38.000 I started in March of 92. I was like 23, almost 24. So I started a little bit late.
00:49:45.000 And I remember just some of the times like when I've gone on the road And you meet the up-and-coming guys. 0.94
00:49:52.000 Like, yeah, the comedy scene here sucks.
00:49:54.000 And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 0.95
00:49:56.000 Like, it sucks so bad, like, they don't even know what to do.
00:49:59.000 Yeah.
00:50:00.000 And you always tell them, well, just go out and start a room.
00:50:02.000 Like, some of them, like, you know, the scene's so bad, they don't even think of doing that.
00:50:05.000 It's like, we don't even start a room. 0.83
00:50:06.000 It's like, go pick a fucking sports bar that does no business on a Monday, Tuesday, and tell them that you're going to get people in here. 0.99
00:50:14.000 You know, lie to them. 0.99
00:50:15.000 You know, you're going to get people to come in to watch these fucking open micers do five minutes each. 1.00
00:50:20.000 Dude, the first time I ate my fucking balls on stage, I was doing this place like Kelly's something or other in either Reading or North Reading. 0.99
00:50:28.000 It doesn't exist anymore. 0.99
00:50:29.000 This comedian Jack Lynch booked it and there would literally be like a Bruins game on TV. Yeah.
00:50:35.000 And they wouldn't shut the game off either. 1.00
00:50:36.000 Fuck no. 1.00
00:50:37.000 No, you had to do comedy over the game. 1.00
00:50:39.000 Yeah.
00:50:39.000 And the volume for the game was still on too.
00:50:41.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:50:41.000 A lot of those gigs down the Cape, I did a lot of those gigs, and you'd find out the fucking game was on while you got there. 0.99
00:50:45.000 Like, fuck the game. 1.00
00:50:46.000 Are they going to leave the game on? 1.00
00:50:47.000 That was like always an issue.
00:50:48.000 Yeah.
00:50:48.000 Are they going to leave the game?
00:50:49.000 And if they said, all right, we're going to turn the game off. 1.00
00:50:51.000 They would turn the game off for everybody to go, what the Fuck! 1.00
00:50:54.000 You're fucking shutting the game off! 1.00
00:50:56.000 You're shutting the... 1.00
00:50:57.000 And then you would have to go do comedy for a bunch of people who were angry at you for shutting the game off.
00:51:01.000 It was brutal.
00:51:03.000 And I remember the second question other than are you going to shut the game off is is there a stage?
00:51:10.000 Yes.
00:51:11.000 That was another thing.
00:51:11.000 No, you just stand right over there.
00:51:14.000 Dude, I remember doing a gig.
00:51:15.000 This is how green we were.
00:51:17.000 It was me, Al Delbeni, Patrice O'Neal, And I want to say Dane Cook was on it.
00:51:25.000 Bobby Kelly, I think it was his gig that he booked.
00:51:27.000 We were so green.
00:51:29.000 And years later, I finally figured it out.
00:51:31.000 They gave us this microphone.
00:51:33.000 It was a lapel mic.
00:51:35.000 So we had to go up and do comedy with just like a lapel on, like we were doing Letterman.
00:51:40.000 But we were so green.
00:51:41.000 We didn't know that you clipped it on.
00:51:43.000 So we were all standing there holding it.
00:51:45.000 I swear to God, holding a lapel mic. 0.99
00:51:48.000 I remember Patrice, he's like fucking 6'5". 0.99
00:51:51.000 Because I remember, that's right, Delbeni, Al Delbeni was hosting. 0.99
00:51:55.000 He was like, what the fuck is up with this mic? 0.81
00:51:57.000 He's like, this is the smallest mic ever. 1.00
00:51:59.000 Look, I'll put it in his mouth. 0.99
00:52:01.000 And we're all laughing at them like, yeah, what a half-assed fucking gig. 1.00
00:52:04.000 And we were so stupid that we didn't understand what it was. 1.00
00:52:07.000 And Al would bring me up and then hand me the mic like a teacup with his pinkies out. 0.99
00:52:12.000 Pinky out. 0.93
00:52:12.000 And I would just be like, hey, keep it going. 0.93
00:52:14.000 And my dad was pretty nuts growing up with like three fingers up in the air holding this thing.
00:52:20.000 Have you done stand-up on a talk show with a lapel mic?
00:52:22.000 Yeah, I actually really like it.
00:52:24.000 Do you?
00:52:24.000 Yeah.
00:52:25.000 You ever thought about going Bobby Brown style on stage?
00:52:27.000 Y'all ready for this?
00:52:28.000 I know Chris Titus does that.
00:52:30.000 Titus wears like a headgear thing.
00:52:32.000 I don't like that.
00:52:32.000 I don't like jackets and I don't like the head...
00:52:36.000 I don't know how you do comedy with a jacket on.
00:52:39.000 I don't mind it if it's cold.
00:52:40.000 If it's cold, I'll wear a jacket on stage.
00:52:42.000 I can wear a zip-up.
00:52:43.000 I can wear a zip-up, but the sport coat, it just doesn't move with the shirt.
00:52:48.000 I wore a sport coat the first time I went on stage because I thought that's how you're supposed to dress.
00:52:52.000 I had a sport coat with the sleeves rolled up like this.
00:52:54.000 I was talking about that Miami Vice t-shirt.
00:52:56.000 I had a wacky t-shirt.
00:52:57.000 A t-shirt with like a silly smile on it because I thought that's how you...
00:53:00.000 And a pin. 0.99
00:53:00.000 I had like a button or something on my fucking sports coat. 0.99
00:53:03.000 Did you guys see Chris Rock on Leno the other day just owning? 0.99
00:53:07.000 Oh, that was so great.
00:53:08.000 What happened? 1.00
00:53:09.000 Just fucking with... 1.00
00:53:10.000 Jay, what you doing here? 1.00
00:53:12.000 Last time I was here, there's a dude with red hair.
00:53:16.000 And then he started saying that Kevin, the band guy, you got a cheaper brother.
00:53:20.000 And the guy's like, man, that's cold.
00:53:23.000 It was pretty funny.
00:53:25.000 He attacked.
00:53:26.000 It was uncomfortable.
00:53:28.000 He kept on going into it.
00:53:30.000 You could tell Jay, let's do something else.
00:53:32.000 That is one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.
00:53:35.000 What is?
00:53:36.000 How he got that show back.
00:53:38.000 Oh, yeah.
00:53:38.000 Yeah, it's crazy.
00:53:39.000 It's fucked up. 1.00
00:53:39.000 I don't disagree with him, though. 1.00
00:53:41.000 Look, you know, everybody puts it this way.
00:53:44.000 Look, the guy was on top. 0.99
00:53:45.000 He was fucking number one. 1.00
00:53:46.000 Number one. 0.99
00:53:47.000 And they come along and say, we're going to lose you, or we're going to lose Conan...
00:53:51.000 Unless we give him the Tonight Show.
00:53:52.000 So we want to give him the Tonight Show.
00:53:54.000 And he's like, what? 0.99
00:53:55.000 Fucking really? 0.99
00:53:55.000 You're going to take my gig away from me? 0.99
00:53:57.000 And so he goes, okay, all right, I'm going to...
00:53:59.000 And under duress, he offers to give up the gig in five years.
00:54:02.000 See, that's the thing.
00:54:03.000 But he's number one.
00:54:04.000 I don't think it's under duress.
00:54:05.000 I think he's brilliant.
00:54:06.000 I think he's brilliant.
00:54:07.000 But he was number one.
00:54:08.000 So he gets kicked off.
00:54:09.000 They put this new guy on.
00:54:10.000 The new guy is bombing. 1.00
00:54:12.000 He's eating dick. 1.00
00:54:13.000 Okay, that's what nobody wants to talk about. 0.99
00:54:14.000 Conan O'Brien on The Tonight Show wasn't that good.
00:54:16.000 Yeah, but Leno's doing the exact same ratings right now as Conan was.
00:54:21.000 Time on.
00:54:22.000 We're going to go back to that.
00:54:24.000 It dropped substantially.
00:54:25.000 It dropped substantially from where it was before.
00:54:28.000 From where it was when Leno was hosting it to where...
00:54:30.000 Yeah, but ratings in general.
00:54:31.000 I can refute all that.
00:54:32.000 Hold on a second. 0.99
00:54:33.000 They fucked Conan by not letting him do any of his... 1.00
00:54:35.000 He couldn't do the masturbating bear. 1.00
00:54:37.000 Couldn't do all these different sketches. 0.72
00:54:40.000 Couldn't do Triumph the Insult Dog. 1.00
00:54:42.000 Couldn't do any of that shit. 1.00
00:54:44.000 Because it's an 11 o'clock show. 1.00
00:54:46.000 They fucked him. 0.98
00:54:47.000 If when Jay Leno got to Tonight Show, if he had to follow Johnny Carson bombing for an hour... 0.99
00:54:53.000 You're totally right about that.
00:54:54.000 The 10 o'clock...
00:54:54.000 That was the worst decision ever.
00:54:56.000 But that's like...
00:54:56.000 If a comedian bombs in front of you for a half hour...
00:55:01.000 In front of you.
00:55:02.000 I mean, you've got to spend...
00:55:03.000 Well, not only that, he's hijacked The Tonight Show because The Tonight Show was always the late night show where guys would go on and all the guests would go on and it would be like an important spot.
00:55:11.000 Well, the 10 o'clock spot became just as important, so they were like siphoning off guests.
00:55:17.000 You couldn't have a guy who's promoting...
00:55:19.000 Mel Gibson goes on Jay Leno's show and then goes on The Tonight Show as well.
00:55:22.000 No, you're only going to have one or the other.
00:55:24.000 Yeah, and TV is all about the leading. 0.97
00:55:26.000 So the brilliance of it was J-bombing actually fucked Conan. 0.96
00:55:32.000 They gave Conan... 0.97
00:55:33.000 We had this show for like six months.
00:55:35.000 Right.
00:55:36.000 But before they started going like, all right, let's get this guy out of here, and he got it back.
00:55:39.000 Now, I think...
00:55:40.000 I think taking...
00:55:41.000 I think it was a brilliant move.
00:55:43.000 But taking it away from him.
00:55:43.000 I think it was a brilliant...
00:55:45.000 Brilliant.
00:55:46.000 The way Jay played it was absolutely brilliant.
00:55:48.000 I don't think he bombed on purpose.
00:55:50.000 No, no.
00:55:50.000 I'm not saying he bombed on purpose.
00:55:51.000 But the way he played it, like, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll do it. 0.97
00:55:53.000 And then the fucking 12th hour, yeah, I'm going to leave, but I'm not retiring. 0.99
00:55:57.000 And then they freaked the fuck out. 0.99
00:55:59.000 So, like, he...
00:56:00.000 I don't...
00:56:01.000 This is how we look at it.
00:56:02.000 Like, I understand Jay being like, look, I had the number one show.
00:56:04.000 What are you kicking me off for?
00:56:05.000 He's totally right about that.
00:56:07.000 But I also...
00:56:07.000 I don't look at Conan like he failed.
00:56:10.000 Like...
00:56:10.000 No, no, no.
00:56:11.000 Conan got fucked. 1.00
00:56:12.000 Conan got fucked. 1.00
00:56:13.000 Yes. 1.00
00:56:13.000 He got fucked because... 1.00
00:56:14.000 I completely agree. 0.99
00:56:14.000 But what I'm saying is you got to realize that Jay Leno had the number one spot. 0.99
00:56:18.000 He was number one in the late night wars before they gave it to Conan. 0.99
00:56:22.000 So why would he give a fuck? 0.99
00:56:24.000 If they gave the show to Conan and offered it back to him, why would he not take it? 0.99
00:56:28.000 Conan took it from him.
00:56:29.000 I don't... 1.00
00:56:29.000 You know, but everybody's making out like Jay is this asshole for taking Conan's job. 1.00
00:56:33.000 Like, wait, Conan took his job. 0.99
00:56:35.000 Conan's not a...
00:56:36.000 He's not a poor man.
00:56:37.000 He's a rich man.
00:56:38.000 Like, we're really worried about him here.
00:56:39.000 It didn't work. 0.94
00:56:40.000 What's fucked up about it is Conan keeps saying, don't feel bad for me. 0.93
00:56:44.000 He made a great little... 0.95
00:56:45.000 He said a great little thing on his last episode.
00:56:48.000 He said, don't be cynical.
00:56:49.000 You know, blah, blah, blah.
00:56:50.000 I hate people who are cynical.
00:56:51.000 He said this really positive thing.
00:56:52.000 Don't feel bad for me. 0.98
00:56:53.000 Played fucking Freebird with the band. 0.98
00:56:56.000 Went out like a man, and that was it. 1.00
00:56:57.000 He's never bitched about it or any of that type of shit. 1.00
00:56:59.000 Dude, they gave him $40 fucking million. 0.99
00:57:01.000 I think that would smooth things over a bit. 1.00
00:57:03.000 See, no matter what Kona does, he's an asshole. 1.00
00:57:05.000 I don't think he's an asshole. 1.00
00:57:06.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:57:07.000 He's not an asshole. 0.99
00:57:09.000 I'm a big fan of the show. 0.96
00:57:10.000 He gave a lot of that money.
00:57:10.000 He gave a lot of that money out to people he worked with.
00:57:13.000 I know he did. 0.92
00:57:13.000 If they wanted to fucking move back, he felt bad for those guys. 0.92
00:57:16.000 The only thing that I find annoying about Jay Leno... 0.99
00:57:19.000 Is acting as though he isn't a shrewd businessman.
00:57:24.000 I mean, I'm going 10?
00:57:26.000 I'm going 10. He does do that, but if that's how he wants to portray himself, who gives a fuck? 0.99
00:57:30.000 That's fine. 0.99
00:57:30.000 But I'm saying that's the only thing that fucking annoys me about the whole thing. 0.99
00:57:33.000 The only thing that annoyed me was when everybody's making a big deal like, Jay's taking Conan's job, but Conan took Jay's job. 0.92
00:57:39.000 And Jay took Johnny's job. 0.97
00:57:41.000 He fucking forced him out. 0.99
00:57:42.000 Did he really? 0.99
00:57:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:57:43.000 I don't know about that.
00:57:44.000 How did he force him out? 1.00
00:57:45.000 Ah, that fucking book I read. 1.00
00:57:47.000 Ha ha! 1.00
00:57:47.000 I read the late shift. 1.00
00:57:49.000 I had a fucking book I read. 1.00
00:57:51.000 I read the fucking late shift book. 1.00
00:57:53.000 It's hilarious how much people pay attention to these late night wars. 0.99
00:57:56.000 No, but this is the thing though.
00:57:58.000 If Jay only got... 0.96
00:57:59.000 First of all, Jay, without Johnny bombing in front of him, going on after like fucking ER and Seinfeld and all those hit shows, dude. 0.56
00:58:06.000 It still took him 18 months. 0.98
00:58:08.000 Remember, Letterman was kicking the shit out of him. 0.97
00:58:10.000 Yes, until he got Hugh Grant on. 0.98
00:58:12.000 It took him 18 months to get it going.
00:58:14.000 You know what's really funny about this argument? 0.99
00:58:15.000 To give him only six fucking months and he's got to follow the previous host eating his balls for a half hour in front of him. 1.00
00:58:22.000 It was bullshit. 1.00
00:58:23.000 It was a ridiculous idea. 1.00
00:58:25.000 It was a ridiculous idea. 0.99
00:58:27.000 They were just afraid to let Conan go. 1.00
00:58:28.000 And Conan was like, look, I want the fucking Tonight Show. 0.99
00:58:31.000 And they didn't want to give it to him. 0.99
00:58:32.000 They go back and forth, and so they give it to him.
00:58:34.000 They thought that Jay's numbers were going to drop.
00:58:37.000 In five years, they're like, all right, he's going to be pushing 60. Who's going to want to watch this now? 0.99
00:58:42.000 That's the dumbest thing ever. 0.98
00:58:44.000 Johnny Carson got better as he got older. 1.00
00:58:46.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95
00:58:47.000 This is what I think. 1.00
00:58:48.000 I think Conan's going to be way better off on a network that just lets him do whatever the fuck he wants. 0.99
00:58:52.000 I think TBS is going to let him go crazy. 0.99
00:58:53.000 And he owns his show, dude.
00:58:54.000 He owns that show, dude.
00:58:55.000 It's going to be so much.
00:58:56.000 He's brilliant.
00:58:57.000 And, you know, when Conan is at his best, when you get to see how funny it is, like, you ever see that one sketch they did about baseball?
00:59:04.000 A bunch of people who play baseball, like 1800s baseball.
00:59:08.000 They wear vintage clothes.
00:59:10.000 They make their own clothes.
00:59:11.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:59:11.000 I saw this.
00:59:12.000 Fucking genius. 0.99
00:59:13.000 Hilarious. 1.00
00:59:13.000 Because he just goes balls out. 1.00
00:59:14.000 It's just him, you know?
00:59:16.000 It's just him being funny. 0.98
00:59:17.000 I guarantee you they fucked with him too much when they switched him over to 11 o'clock. 0.93
00:59:21.000 They probably cut all the meat and anything controversial out of his monologues or out of his sketches. 1.00
00:59:29.000 They probably stopped him from doing a lot of shit. 0.98
00:59:31.000 Yeah, and he said when he left, don't feel bad for me, and people are still saying that he's whining, which I don't get. 0.99
00:59:37.000 I mean, he did jokes about it in his monologue. 0.99
00:59:40.000 What the fuck are you supposed to do? 0.99
00:59:41.000 Is he sitting there talking about maybe you're going to get replaced? 1.00
00:59:44.000 You're supposed to go out there and be like, hey, did you see the earthquake in Haiti?
00:59:47.000 It was funny when they had a car.
00:59:49.000 I think it was a Bugatti, a million-dollar car, and they played the Rolling Stones, Get No Satisfaction, and there was a sketch just to spend money.
00:59:56.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw that.
00:59:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:59:58.000 Which I'm sure is bullshit. 1.00
00:59:59.000 It is bullshit. 0.99
01:00:00.000 But it's still pretty funny. 1.00
01:00:01.000 It's pretty funny that he did it like that.
01:00:03.000 Speaking of that, I was watching one of those car auctions yesterday.
01:00:07.000 And I'm just sitting there looking at all these awesome old cars that I would love to own. 0.90
01:00:12.000 And as the price kept going up and up and up on some fucking Ferrari, I started to resent the people in the crowd. 0.92
01:00:21.000 Like, are these the bankers? 0.99
01:00:22.000 Is this what they did with the trillion? 0.99
01:00:24.000 Who the fuck has the money? 0.99
01:00:25.000 There was some... 1.00
01:00:27.000 If you can bring it up for your listeners, there's a fucking car in 1958 that BMW made. 0.97
01:00:33.000 It was designed by a guy who actually was in refrigerating or whatever. 0.98
01:00:38.000 Literally, the front of the car fucking opens up like a refrigerator and you walk out the front and there's one back door.
01:00:43.000 It's like a mini car. 0.96
01:00:45.000 A 1950, I think it's a BMW 600 or 300. 19th.
01:00:49.000 There it is.
01:00:50.000 Bring that thing up, okay? 1.00
01:00:51.000 What the fuck? 1.00
01:00:52.000 It's a hunk of shit. 1.00
01:00:54.000 It's the Isetta. 1.00
01:00:55.000 I-S-E-T-T-A. 1957. Oh, I've seen that before.
01:00:59.000 I've seen one of those.
01:01:00.000 Looks like a little mini Cooper.
01:01:01.000 Yeah, it looks just like it.
01:01:02.000 There's one in this European car magazine.
01:01:05.000 There you go.
01:01:06.000 Spin it around so you can see it.
01:01:07.000 So basically, look, it's got one wiper in the front.
01:01:10.000 A five-year-old could get licensed to drive the thing.
01:01:13.000 So this guy paid like 11 grand for it.
01:01:15.000 He's like, hey, you know, I'm hoping to get 30. 35. I got 35. I got 40. The fucking thing went for $67,500.
01:01:23.000 $67,000 for that? 1.00
01:01:25.000 $67,500 for that hunk of shit. 1.00
01:01:28.000 Guys like Jay Leno, those car collector dudes, they like to have like old cars, like rare old cars. 1.00
01:01:34.000 Yeah, but never mind.
01:01:35.000 Jay's money's clean.
01:01:36.000 He didn't stand up.
01:01:37.000 He's doing that. 1.00
01:01:37.000 I'm talking about these other fucking guys. 1.00
01:01:39.000 It's like, you're not famous. 0.99
01:01:40.000 How do you know who's in the audience and where they got their money from?
01:01:42.000 Dude, what are they, all invented PlayStation?
01:01:43.000 Maybe they own farms.
01:01:45.000 They sell LCD electronics.
01:01:47.000 Who knows?
01:01:48.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00
01:01:49.000 Let me ask you, what do these fucking bankers spend all their money on? 1.00
01:01:52.000 Dude, they took a trillion dollars. 1.00
01:01:53.000 Where did it go? 1.00
01:01:54.000 They're at the fucking car auctions. 0.99
01:01:56.000 The amazing thing about that whole banker thing, the whole bailout, was that those guys still wanted bonuses. 0.99
01:02:02.000 They still wanted bonuses even though their bank failed and the government had to give them billions of dollars.
01:02:07.000 Dude, it goes beyond that. 1.00
01:02:08.000 They got the fucking houses. 1.00
01:02:09.000 They got the bailout money. 1.00
01:02:10.000 They kept it. 1.00
01:02:11.000 Then they're fucking guys like me. 0.99
01:02:12.000 28 bucks a month. 0.99
01:02:14.000 Our records only go back four months. 0.99
01:02:15.000 And they kept the money and they got the fucking houses back to do it again. 0.99
01:02:19.000 They're gonna do it again. 1.00
01:02:20.000 Cunts. 1.00
01:02:22.000 I swear they should get the death penalty. 1.00
01:02:24.000 You touch a kid, you fuck with an animal, or you make old people eat dog food for the last 15 years of their life when they thought they were going to live in their houseboat or their dreams. 1.00
01:02:31.000 You should be fucking murdered. 1.00
01:02:34.000 Publicly. 1.00
01:02:34.000 Bernie Madoff. 1.00
01:02:35.000 Dead? 1.00
01:02:36.000 Just kill him. 1.00
01:02:37.000 Bernie Madoff is a lightweight. 1.00
01:02:39.000 He's a lightweight?
01:02:40.000 50 billion?
01:02:41.000 That's nothing? 0.99
01:02:41.000 But he only fucked over six people. 0.99
01:02:44.000 These guys fucked over a whole country. 1.00
01:02:46.000 It's six. 1.00
01:02:46.000 Look it up. 1.00
01:02:47.000 It's on Wikipedia.
01:02:48.000 I'm kidding.
01:02:50.000 No, Bernie Madoff is the sacrificial lamb. 1.00
01:02:53.000 That guy should be killed too. 1.00
01:02:54.000 But he was the guy... 1.00
01:02:55.000 The funny thing is people look at Bernie Madoff and they look like...
01:03:00.000 Well, they took down one of the bankers.
01:03:02.000 He's not a banker. 1.00
01:03:04.000 He was like a fucking investment banker. 0.99
01:03:06.000 I don't know what I'm talking about. 1.00
01:03:09.000 He was like one of those private guys. 1.00
01:03:10.000 Like, Joe, I know what to do with your fucking money. 0.99
01:03:13.000 He didn't have like an ATM that you could use. 1.00
01:03:15.000 He was one of those guys.
01:03:16.000 The Smith Barney guys, right? 0.99
01:03:18.000 He fucked a lot of important people. 1.00
01:03:19.000 Jesus, I'm stupid. 1.00
01:03:20.000 Well, he fucked a bunch of people that should have known better. 1.00
01:03:23.000 There was a lot of people that were in the business. 1.00
01:03:25.000 I just like that he at least fucked other rich people. 0.99
01:03:28.000 Yeah, he fucked most rich, but he fucked also a bunch of different Jewish groups that had charities. 1.00
01:03:35.000 He fucked charities over. 1.00
01:03:36.000 He fucked a lot of people over. 1.00
01:03:38.000 But he was fucking over people that were in the whole, the industry, the financial industry. 1.00
01:03:44.000 So they should have known what he was doing was fucked up. 0.99
01:03:47.000 And they still were like, but look at the returns. 0.99
01:03:48.000 And so they just dove in.
01:03:50.000 Even though none of it made sense.
01:03:51.000 There was people that were calling for an investigation into his firm years and years ago.
01:03:56.000 And they ignored it.
01:03:56.000 They just kept going.
01:03:57.000 The guy was the fucking head of the FCC at one point in time. 0.99
01:04:00.000 Or what is it? 1.00
01:04:01.000 The New York Stock Exchange?
01:04:02.000 Was he the head of?
01:04:04.000 NASDAQ? Was it NASDAQ he was the head of?
01:04:05.000 I don't know. 0.97
01:04:05.000 I think he was the head of NASDAQ and the not FCC he's the head of NASDAQ and this fucking guy goes on to be the biggest Ponzi scheme Mastermind in the history of the country. 0.97
01:04:16.000 That's pretty incredible a guy that like worked in the system He must have known that it's impossible to figure it out like I always I never paid attention Like I look at the stock market. 0.99
01:04:25.000 I see all those numbers going back and forth and I'm like What the fuck is all that? 0.91
01:04:28.000 What does that even mean? 1.00
01:04:29.000 You know I somebody knows it's a crap table You know, it seems like it's all bullshit, but look, obviously, there's this Alan Greenspan guy. 1.00
01:04:36.000 He seems very bright. 1.00
01:04:37.000 He's got everything under wraps.
01:04:38.000 Someone knows.
01:04:39.000 Until this whole financial collapse came along and this Bernie Madoff thing came along, I was like, oh, they don't even know.
01:04:44.000 Nobody even knows.
01:04:45.000 Nobody knows how this thing works.
01:04:47.000 The financial institution?
01:04:48.000 No, it's a belief system.
01:04:49.000 That's crazy, yeah.
01:04:50.000 You have to believe that.
01:04:53.000 Well, it's a belief system because a lot of it's based on confidence.
01:04:55.000 I started reading up on it.
01:04:58.000 And I started, you know, as I always do, I read a little bit and then I start pontificating and then two follow-up questions and my whole argument falls on the ground. 0.92
01:05:06.000 But after reading a little bit more, I read that book, The Case Against the Fed, and I stopped talking to people about it because it's like if I really start informing people and everybody knows this whole thing is going to fucking collapse.
01:05:18.000 So I just became part of the line.
01:05:20.000 Yeah.
01:05:22.000 I like people going, put your money in the bank, it's safe.
01:05:27.000 It's insured.
01:05:29.000 Really?
01:05:29.000 And you're going to go with insurance companies?
01:05:31.000 The only people that's fucking more corrupt? 0.99
01:05:33.000 Yeah, it's insured until it isn't. 0.99
01:05:35.000 The craziest thing is when you go to New York and Times Square and you see that one building that has the national debt and how it's accumulating and it's just spinning. 0.91
01:05:43.000 They had to add an extra fucking zero to it recently. 0.96
01:05:47.000 Just humming around. 0.99
01:05:49.000 We hit a point, the legal amount of debt we're allowed to have, so we didn't know what the fuck to do. 0.92
01:05:55.000 So they had a quick meeting, and then they just doubled it. 0.92
01:06:00.000 They just doubled with the legal debt.
01:06:02.000 There you go.
01:06:02.000 Okay, so now it's not a problem.
01:06:03.000 We're only halfway there now.
01:06:06.000 Yeah, dude, I gotta admit, like, there's a lot of terrifying things about living out here in Los Angeles, living in a city that is in a bankrupt state with a, you know, doesn't really have a water supply, technically. 0.99
01:06:17.000 You live in a fucking desert. 0.99
01:06:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:06:19.000 The property is, like, really overrun, and all that crazy drug cartel shit, I mean, is essentially... 0.98
01:06:25.000 Right there. 0.98
01:06:26.000 A couple hours drive. 1.00
01:06:26.000 Geographically, it's right down the fucking street. 1.00
01:06:29.000 Two hours drive. 0.99
01:06:30.000 It's like if you're living in Afghanistan and the war is two hours away, you'd be like, wow, we're pretty close to the ship.
01:06:35.000 You know what I'm saying?
01:06:36.000 Like we could take a road trip.
01:06:37.000 You want to go to the war today?
01:06:39.000 Yeah, literally.
01:06:40.000 Especially when you're in San Diego. 0.99
01:06:41.000 Whenever I'm down in San Diego, you're fucking half an hour from Tijuana. 0.99
01:06:45.000 It's unsettling. 0.99
01:06:46.000 And those...
01:06:47.000 You know something?
01:06:47.000 This is something.
01:06:48.000 I wish it was...
01:06:51.000 Mexican comedian here right now.
01:06:53.000 I really wish it was because...
01:06:54.000 It's called Willie Barsena.
01:06:55.000 This one I've always wondered is why they got so offended by that sign that has...
01:07:00.000 The running Mexicans. 1.00
01:07:01.000 The running family across the street.
01:07:05.000 Right.
01:07:06.000 Why is that offensive?
01:07:07.000 We don't want to run over you.
01:07:09.000 People are embarrassed because they're embarrassed by the idea that Mexicans have to get into this country that way.
01:07:14.000 Oh, I get it.
01:07:15.000 It's embarrassing.
01:07:15.000 And it's not realistic because there's only three people in the family.
01:07:20.000 It's embarrassing, man.
01:07:21.000 The whole idea about Mexico being that close, you know, it's got to be embarrassing.
01:07:26.000 There's no other place in the world that I know of where there's a first world country connected to a third world country, you know? 0.99
01:07:32.000 But what the fuck is the solution? 0.96
01:07:34.000 See, if you open the borders and you let people go everywhere, like I said, this is not going to last. 0.99
01:07:38.000 No, you can't.
01:07:39.000 This standard of living that we have in America, it wouldn't be the same. 0.97
01:07:43.000 If we had open borders and anybody could just immigrate to America, it would get fucked quick. 0.99
01:07:47.000 Yeah, you gotta have the gated community. 0.94
01:07:51.000 Well, that's what the United States is. 0.99
01:07:52.000 It's like a big fucking gated community. 0.98
01:07:54.000 Well, I don't think you should just be able to walk. 1.00
01:07:56.000 We get a lot of shit for that. 0.96
01:07:58.000 Can you just walk into France? 1.00
01:08:01.000 Can you do that?
01:08:02.000 You can pretty much go anywhere you want to if you wanted to.
01:08:05.000 You know?
01:08:05.000 Well, I'm saying legally.
01:08:07.000 Can I just start living in France?
01:08:09.000 I don't know.
01:08:10.000 I think you could go there. 0.99
01:08:11.000 No, I know I can go there and visit and get fucking... 0.98
01:08:14.000 Dude, actually, that's one of my things I really want to do is I want to... 1.00
01:08:18.000 I would love to become fluent and be able to speak French and then go over there and act as the ignorant American just to hear the shit that they're saying and just act as dumb as I possibly can. 0.99
01:08:29.000 My ex... 1.00
01:08:30.000 Hey, where's the awful tower?!
01:08:32.000 Ain't that big.
01:08:34.000 Mona Lisa sitting there all expressionless. 0.99
01:08:36.000 Big fucking whoop. 1.00
01:08:38.000 Blonde hair. 1.00
01:08:39.000 My ex, just blonde hair girl, but could speak Spanish. 0.63
01:08:42.000 So it was great.
01:08:43.000 She would have her own fun just going in and listening to people talk about her when she walked by and stuff. 1.00
01:08:49.000 They must talk mad shit. 0.99
01:08:51.000 Did she ever bust them? 1.00
01:08:52.000 Oh, nonstop she would bust them all the time. 1.00
01:08:55.000 We'd be waiting in line at El Polo Loco and they would say, look at that chick's tits or something like that. 1.00
01:08:59.000 She'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00
01:09:01.000 But like, you know, back in Spanish. 0.99
01:09:02.000 Or she was giving her her phone number.
01:09:04.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:09:04.000 Damn. 1.00
01:09:05.000 If you hear like, cinco, seis, dash, zero, gordo. 0.99
01:09:12.000 No, I got the Rosetta Stone Spanish-speaking one. 0.94
01:09:15.000 You want to learn Spanish?
01:09:16.000 Yeah.
01:09:17.000 Dude, I got it in Christmas 08. Still in the box.
01:09:20.000 Still in the box.
01:09:21.000 Plastic's still on it.
01:09:22.000 It's like an olympical machine. 0.99
01:09:23.000 For me, it's like those fucking Mavis Baking learn how to type. 1.00
01:09:27.000 I buy those fucking things every couple of years. 1.00
01:09:29.000 Oh, they got a new learn how to type program. 1.00
01:09:30.000 Eventually, I'm going to learn how to type. 0.99
01:09:32.000 I type quick, but I use fucking three fingers. 0.98
01:09:34.000 I use like these two and this one. 1.00
01:09:37.000 Every now and then, I'll throw this motherfucker in the mix. 0.99
01:09:39.000 Maybe three fingers in this hand, and I would kind of move to two on this hand. 0.99
01:09:42.000 So, I don't use the whole...
01:09:44.000 Types like a burn victim.
01:09:45.000 Yeah.
01:09:45.000 Like a lobster claw thing going.
01:09:47.000 I type like I've had my hands smashed with hammers. 0.99
01:09:51.000 But I always say I'm going to eventually get that fucking Mavis bacon. 0.99
01:09:54.000 I'm going to get on it. 0.99
01:09:55.000 Dude, I'm really surprised at some of the shit that I finally... 0.98
01:09:59.000 The only thing I ever worked on was being a comedian because I thought it was going to solve all my problems. 0.98
01:10:04.000 People are going to see me on stage. 0.99
01:10:05.000 He's funny and everybody's going to stop fucking with me. 0.98
01:10:07.000 Everything was going to work out. 0.97
01:10:09.000 And then what ended up happening is the only thing I was remotely decent at was being a comedian. 0.99
01:10:12.000 So I finally learned how to start fixing shit. 1.00
01:10:15.000 Like what kind of shit? 1.00
01:10:16.000 I fixed my toilet in New York. 1.00
01:10:18.000 I got a tenant back there and he was bitching about something. 0.99
01:10:21.000 We got this fucking awful landlord. 0.99
01:10:23.000 He always comes in, I swear to God, with like used parts from other apartments and they never work. 0.99
01:10:28.000 So I just looked in the back. 0.99
01:10:30.000 I was just picturing how dumb he looks. 0.99
01:10:33.000 Yet he knows how to do it. 0.99
01:10:34.000 So I just...
01:10:35.000 I don't know what I did.
01:10:35.000 I went on YouTube.
01:10:36.000 I watched a couple of videos.
01:10:37.000 It's a toilet. 0.72
01:10:38.000 It's basic. 0.99
01:10:39.000 And I just sort of figured shit out. 0.99
01:10:41.000 And I listened. 0.99
01:10:43.000 I flushed it.
01:10:44.000 I looked.
01:10:45.000 And I figured out what to...
01:10:46.000 Oh, the flapper. 1.00
01:10:47.000 It's a fucking $8 flapper. 1.00
01:10:48.000 And then I got it. 1.00
01:10:49.000 And I was like, ah, fuck. 1.00
01:10:51.000 How does this go in? 1.00
01:10:51.000 And he's just like... 1.00
01:10:52.000 It's almost like when I got better at computers where I stopped freaking out.
01:10:57.000 And I just was like, just stop.
01:10:59.000 Take in information, process it, and think. 0.99
01:11:03.000 That's what I... Fucking two seconds. 0.98
01:11:05.000 I wish I had the time, the patience, and the interest to build my own car. 0.98
01:11:09.000 Because I would love to do that.
01:11:10.000 I'd love to do that.
01:11:11.000 Get one of those kits.
01:11:12.000 I'm so jealous of people who can do that.
01:11:14.000 The body's good. 0.99
01:11:15.000 I'll fucking toss a 350. I wish I could do that. 0.99
01:11:17.000 Fucking Bondo it. 0.99
01:11:18.000 Send yourself a mask on. 1.00
01:11:20.000 Shit. 1.00
01:11:20.000 The old Jeep kits. 1.00
01:11:21.000 Remember the old Jeep kits?
01:11:22.000 You could buy a kit and build your own army Jeep.
01:11:24.000 Remember it was like a thousand bucks or something like that?
01:11:26.000 They still have kit cars.
01:11:27.000 And you could take a kit car like a Noble.
01:11:30.000 I remember they used to sell the Noble in America, but you couldn't buy it with a powertrain.
01:11:34.000 You couldn't buy it with an engine.
01:11:35.000 You had to put your own engine and your own powertrain in. 0.99
01:11:37.000 So it's basically like a do-it-yourself fucking car. 0.96
01:11:39.000 They had a bunch of those. 0.98
01:11:40.000 I knew a guy who had a friend in this state I used to live in. 0.97
01:11:44.000 I'm not going to say where, but back in the day, the Jeep CJ7, they basically kept the same chassis, body, all that shit for like fucking 15 years. 0.99
01:11:55.000 So he had some old piece of shit one. 0.95
01:11:57.000 So what he did was he went out and he stole a brand new one and just parked him side by side in his garage and just took apart the new one and put all the new... 0.99
01:12:08.000 So all the numbers still match.
01:12:09.000 Whatever the numbers are supposed to be, like on the frame and all that, everything matched.
01:12:13.000 And he just...
01:12:14.000 He did like a...
01:12:15.000 Like plastic surgery. 1.00
01:12:16.000 And he just took all the new shit that he needed. 0.99
01:12:19.000 I think he had to keep his engine block and there was the frame or something like... 0.99
01:12:23.000 Gearheads would know what he would have to keep.
01:12:24.000 So what did he do with the rest of the stuff?
01:12:27.000 Then he just took like...
01:12:28.000 He had like a...
01:12:29.000 He's like a welding thing and he just sort of cut it into pieces and would just sort of...
01:12:33.000 Remember the Great Escape when they would just drop the dirt out of the bottom of their pants? 0.99
01:12:37.000 Yeah, they would just sort of dump shit here or there. 0.99
01:12:39.000 If you just have a piece of a frame, they're not going to give a fuck. 0.99
01:12:42.000 They don't even know what it is. 0.81
01:12:43.000 How do you prove it? 0.99
01:12:44.000 Yeah, I mean, I don't have the mechanical know-how to say exactly what he did, but I said, what did he do with the extra shit? 0.99
01:12:52.000 And that was basically it. 0.99
01:12:53.000 He cut it down into smaller pieces. 0.99
01:12:54.000 You can't fucking build a car today. 0.99
01:12:57.000 You can't build a new 2011 Shelby Mustang convertible. 0.99
01:13:01.000 You can't build it.
01:13:02.000 Yeah, with the computer chips. 0.99
01:13:03.000 It's computer and there's so much shit going on. 0.99
01:13:07.000 It's so complicated. 0.99
01:13:08.000 It's not like the old days. 0.99
01:13:10.000 In the old days, if your fucking engine blew, you could replace your engine. 0.99
01:13:15.000 All you need is a crane and a buddy who knew what the fuck he was doing. 0.99
01:13:18.000 Yeah, but it was also much more... 0.97
01:13:21.000 Like, my first car, I had a Ford Ranger, and I actually learned, if I wanted to go, I just didn't have the balls to do it, because I didn't have a friend who could fix the problem.
01:13:31.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
01:13:32.000 So I had to keep it very, like, I was like a hygienist, but like, working on a fucking car. 0.98
01:13:37.000 Like, you know, you learn, you know, changing the oil is the first thing, then you learn how to change the belts. 0.98
01:13:42.000 Then you start doing the spark plugs, then you get the timing light, and I got right to the fucking point where I was going to start fucking with, I don't know what, trying to do like the pistons and shit, and maybe I'll... 0.80
01:13:52.000 I'll try to get some more horsepower in this. 0.99
01:13:54.000 And I was just like, Bill, it's a fucking Ford Ranger, two-wheel drive. 1.00
01:13:56.000 What are you, a douchebag? 1.00
01:13:58.000 Just be happy that it's running. 1.00
01:14:01.000 I changed my oil once, and I dumped it into the sewer.
01:14:04.000 I dumped it into one of those...
01:14:06.000 It was the 80s.
01:14:07.000 It was legal.
01:14:08.000 I didn't even think.
01:14:09.000 I was 17 years old. 0.96
01:14:10.000 I was retarded.
01:14:11.000 And as I'm dumping it in, this guy walks by.
01:14:14.000 He goes, yeah, that's a good place for that.
01:14:16.000 And I thought, yeah, that's a good place for that.
01:14:17.000 And I thought about, oh, he's making fun of me. 0.98
01:14:20.000 I'm like, oh my god, I'm a douchebag. 1.00
01:14:22.000 God, why did I think it was okay to pour the oil in this fucking drain? 1.00
01:14:25.000 And then I thought, that fucks with me today. 1.00
01:14:27.000 Really? 0.99
01:14:28.000 Still?
01:14:28.000 Still, I think about it sometimes.
01:14:29.000 I think about it sometimes that I poured oil into the drain like a retard, and then this guy came by and go, yeah, that's a good place for that. 1.00
01:14:35.000 And then I was so dumb, I was like, yeah, it is a good place for it, right? 1.00
01:14:37.000 It fucks with you because you were into the environment or because he made you look stupid? 1.00
01:14:40.000 Because I was a retard. 1.00
01:14:41.000 Not because he made me look stupid, but I was stupid. 1.00
01:14:43.000 He probably thinks the same thing like that asshole. 1.00
01:14:45.000 I can't believe it. 1.00
01:14:46.000 He's probably dead, that old fuck. 1.00
01:14:48.000 It was a long time ago. 1.00
01:14:51.000 I like how you were uninformed. 1.00
01:14:53.000 Because you're uninformed, he becomes an old fuck. 1.00
01:14:56.000 Fuck you, you piece of shit. 1.00
01:14:57.000 Makes it funnier. 1.00
01:14:58.000 Do you know there's so many weird things like that?
01:15:00.000 I can't say that, gentlemen.
01:15:02.000 He's probably passed away.
01:15:03.000 There's so many weird things like that that you're not allowed to dispose of like that, too.
01:15:07.000 You're pouring it into the water, man.
01:15:08.000 It gets into the ocean. 0.99
01:15:09.000 But the crazy thing is that the oil that I put in is nothing compared to what's on the fucking road every day. 0.97
01:15:14.000 I mean, everybody's leaking oil. 0.97
01:15:15.000 You're driving up and down the street.
01:15:16.000 It rains.
01:15:17.000 It goes in the gutter.
01:15:18.000 It goes right in the ocean.
01:15:19.000 Don't justify it any way you have to.
01:15:20.000 No, I don't justify it.
01:15:21.000 I told you.
01:15:22.000 I'm ashamed to this day.
01:15:23.000 One time I was fishing.
01:15:25.000 I used to dump it in the woods.
01:15:27.000 Really?
01:15:27.000 I didn't know.
01:15:29.000 That's probably not as bad as putting it in the river.
01:15:31.000 I didn't know that you weren't supposed to do that.
01:15:35.000 But then I figured out they had this place down the street near the fire department.
01:15:38.000 They had this big, I don't know, it was this giant thing that you just dumped your oil in.
01:15:43.000 Right.
01:15:43.000 Back in the day when there wasn't computer chips and it was easy.
01:15:46.000 I was in the Charles River fishing once, and it was right across the street from my house where I lived in Boston, and I saw this bubbling in the water, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck it was.
01:15:55.000 I was looking, I was like, something's like bubbling, like water's coming up. 0.95
01:15:58.000 This is kind of crazy.
01:15:59.000 And then I saw a rubber. 1.00
01:16:02.000 And then I realized that what I was looking at was shit. 1.00
01:16:04.000 Some of it was shit. 1.00
01:16:05.000 It was a broken sewer pipe that was pouring directly into the river. 1.00
01:16:08.000 So every time people flush their toilets, shit and piss and rubbers and tampons were just floating in this fucking river. 1.00
01:16:17.000 Disgusting. 1.00
01:16:18.000 Unfinished medicine. 0.99
01:16:19.000 Oh, it was so nasty.
01:16:20.000 And I went a little bit further down.
01:16:22.000 There was a waterfall.
01:16:22.000 At the bottom of the waterfall, there was foam.
01:16:25.000 There was so much chemicals in the water that it made a thick white and yellow foam at the bottom of the water.
01:16:30.000 Yep, there you go.
01:16:31.000 That's Boston. 0.97
01:16:32.000 You know what's worse is like baby diapers in parking lots of like Target the other day I was at and there was fucking just these little squares where they like changed the diaper and they were like put it on the ground and stuff. 0.96
01:16:42.000 I got out and stepped right on it. 0.92
01:16:44.000 It's just like everywhere.
01:16:46.000 I see it all the time now.
01:16:47.000 That's just suburban landmine. 0.92
01:16:49.000 I apologize for that.
01:16:51.000 That's a big thing to do, I guess.
01:16:52.000 You don't want to keep it in your car while you drive home.
01:16:54.000 My car always has diapers in it.
01:16:56.000 My wife takes these diapers, wraps them up in these little bombs, and leaves them there. 1.00
01:17:00.000 And then I hop in my car. 1.00
01:17:01.000 My car smells like shit. 0.99
01:17:03.000 And I find those little diaper bombs everywhere. 1.00
01:17:05.000 Little piss bombs.
01:17:06.000 They're everywhere. 1.00
01:17:06.000 They're all over my fucking house. 1.00
01:17:07.000 It's that newborn smell. 1.00
01:17:09.000 It's not that bad. 0.67
01:17:10.000 My two-year-old has some pretty stinky poops, but... 0.99
01:17:13.000 At this point the kid's probably gone to like fucking McDonald's. 1.00
01:17:16.000 No. 1.00
01:17:16.000 Starting to screw up the colon. 1.00
01:17:18.000 I don't serve them shitty food. 1.00
01:17:20.000 Fuck that. 1.00
01:17:21.000 She gets fries and stuff occasionally and ice cream occasionally but for the most part she eats healthy. 1.00
01:17:26.000 You know, if you get them into eating shitty food or make shitty food a big deal, make it exciting, you know, make it something special. 0.99
01:17:32.000 You know, that's why McDonald's is a fucking playground. 0.99
01:17:35.000 You drive by McDonald's, she sees these bright colors and tubes and slides and shit, and they just want to go in there. 1.00
01:17:41.000 But the food's fucking terrible. 1.00
01:17:41.000 If I ever have kids, I'm going to feed them shit food, make them fat so I can feel better about them. 1.00
01:17:47.000 I actually do it about myself. 1.00
01:17:48.000 You're the first person I've ever seen feed their kid octopus.
01:17:51.000 I was like, whoa, octopus. 0.99
01:17:53.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99
01:17:54.000 She likes it. 0.99
01:17:54.000 She enjoys it. 0.99
01:17:55.000 She asks for octopus. 1.00
01:17:56.000 People are like, your fucking kid's asking for octopus? 1.00
01:17:58.000 Yeah, I can't. 1.00
01:17:58.000 That's too fishy for me. 1.00
01:18:00.000 Too chewy.
01:18:01.000 Do you ever eat octopus sushi?
01:18:04.000 Yeah, I've tried it. 0.99
01:18:06.000 Damn, delicious. 0.99
01:18:06.000 I love it. 0.99
01:18:07.000 No, dude, that's when the hardcore Japanese guys giving you the fucking heads up like you know what you're doing. 1.00
01:18:13.000 Like the grosser it is, that means you're really into sushi. 1.00
01:18:17.000 I eat good nasty shit. 1.00
01:18:17.000 I eat sea urchin. 1.00
01:18:18.000 That's my other favorite.
01:18:19.000 Dude, I'm the classic American sushi.
01:18:21.000 I'm like, yeah, let me get a yellowtail hand roll, spicy.
01:18:24.000 California roll.
01:18:25.000 Yeah, tuna roll.
01:18:28.000 I keep it real...
01:18:29.000 Salmon.
01:18:30.000 Salmon avocado.
01:18:31.000 I keep it really...
01:18:33.000 Me too.
01:18:33.000 Even like eel.
01:18:35.000 Eel roll I like, but it's just something to...
01:18:37.000 Like tuna, I don't have any sort of guilt when I eat that, even though they're dying off.
01:18:42.000 But eel, it just seems like an unnecessary one to eat.
01:18:46.000 Really?
01:18:46.000 Eel?
01:18:46.000 I like the eel sauce.
01:18:48.000 I don't like eel because of the sauce.
01:18:50.000 I only like sushi that you don't need sauce for. 1.00
01:18:52.000 I like yellowtail, tuna, that kind of shit. 0.99
01:18:55.000 How bad are the tuna going extinct? 0.99
01:18:57.000 Is that like a big deal?
01:18:59.000 I don't know. 0.99
01:18:59.000 Everything's going extinct because there's too many fucking people and we keep... 0.99
01:19:04.000 The problem is they make too much money off of us. 1.00
01:19:07.000 We're not people.
01:19:09.000 We're these things they make money off of.
01:19:11.000 So they need as much of us around.
01:19:12.000 Again, it's day.
01:19:13.000 It's always day.
01:19:14.000 All the animals are going to come back when the robots take over.
01:19:18.000 Just be like I Am Legend.
01:19:19.000 Deer running through the streets of Manhattan. 1.00
01:19:21.000 That kind of shit? 1.00
01:19:22.000 I don't think it'll be that bad, because they'll keep Manhattan, but it'll definitely be like in Jersey. 1.00
01:19:26.000 Jersey will all grow over.
01:19:28.000 I went to Colorado. 1.00
01:19:28.000 These people are useless. 1.00
01:19:29.000 I went to Colorado, and I was living there for four months, and when I came back, a deer had decided to make my backyard home in LA. It's right out here. 0.98
01:19:36.000 And every day, this deer would be wandering through my yard, chewing grass.
01:19:40.000 And they just decided that since nobody was here, there was no noise.
01:19:42.000 They just started moving in.
01:19:44.000 Interesting.
01:19:44.000 As soon as I moved back in, she stopped coming around.
01:19:47.000 But she could literally jump. 1.00
01:19:48.000 That fence is six feet high, and it's fucking wrought iron. 0.99
01:19:50.000 She would jump right over it. 1.00
01:19:51.000 Oh, yeah.
01:19:52.000 It's got to be eight feet.
01:19:53.000 I know I've got a buddy of mine who has a problem with that, so he's got this eight-foot.
01:19:57.000 My cheek, you're really not that neighborly.
01:19:58.000 He's like, no, dude, I've got a kid.
01:20:00.000 And then the deer come in.
01:20:02.000 Yeah, they really do.
01:20:03.000 They hop right over a six-foot fence.
01:20:04.000 It's incredible to watch it.
01:20:05.000 It's like, doink!
01:20:06.000 They just fly through the air.
01:20:08.000 But they were moving in.
01:20:09.000 They were ready to take over.
01:20:10.000 You got a gun range out here? 0.99
01:20:12.000 I got a fake pig that I shoot arrows into.
01:20:15.000 Can we do that after the podcast? 1.00
01:20:17.000 Fuck yeah, son. 1.00
01:20:17.000 Can you teach me how to do that shit? 1.00
01:20:19.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
01:20:19.000 You want to shoot arrows? 1.00
01:20:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:20:20.000 I'm learning how to pick a lock.
01:20:24.000 I'm going to be one of those urban survivor guys.
01:20:26.000 Is it like a thousand degrees in this room?
01:20:27.000 It really is.
01:20:28.000 Let me go turn on the AC. Talk to these people while I turn on the AC. All right.
01:20:32.000 I'm learning how to pick a lock.
01:20:34.000 On YouTube.
01:20:35.000 I'm trying to learn how to hotwire a car. 1.00
01:20:37.000 YouTube's great for that shit. 1.00
01:20:38.000 Yeah, you can find... 1.00
01:20:39.000 Dude, I've taught myself how to play guitar, how to play drums. 0.98
01:20:44.000 I've watched people get knocked out, get kicked in the balls. 0.94
01:20:47.000 Hide a camera into the toilet paper roll thing inside of the bathroom. 0.95
01:20:51.000 I found out how to do that. 1.00
01:20:52.000 Oh, yeah, you can become a real fucking creep on YouTube. 0.99
01:20:55.000 That's what I love about the internet. 0.99
01:20:56.000 You really can just become the person that you, if you feel like, you know, I want to be better read, you can go to Wikipedia and see what morons think about the subject that you want to learn about. 0.99
01:21:07.000 Or if you want to add a little creepy shit to your personality, you can do that. 1.00
01:21:12.000 I want to learn how to pick a fucking lock. 1.00
01:21:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:21:13.000 Just so I can do it. 0.99
01:21:14.000 Yeah.
01:21:15.000 Because I only know the credit card technique where you slide it in and that never works.
01:21:20.000 No, they were showing.
01:21:21.000 I was watching somebody.
01:21:22.000 First of all, you have to know how a lock works, what it is in there.
01:21:26.000 And this person, you know the little clip-on thing from the pen?
01:21:29.000 They'd somehow jam that in there and then take a hairpin. 1.00
01:21:32.000 I'm so full of shit. 1.00
01:21:33.000 I haven't learned. 1.00
01:21:34.000 I watched somebody do it, and now I want to try it.
01:21:37.000 That's basically it.
01:21:38.000 But the overhead is I have to buy a lock, so I haven't quite committed to it. 0.96
01:21:42.000 I'm going to buy the lock, and it's going to sit right on top of my fucking learn how to speak Spanish. 0.92
01:21:46.000 I figure if I'm breaking into a lock, I might as well kick the door in. 0.98
01:21:50.000 Yeah, but I don't have your martial art training. 0.98
01:21:52.000 Just let me kick a bag. 1.00
01:21:54.000 It's not going to move or hit you back. 0.99
01:21:55.000 It's not hard to kick a door.
01:21:57.000 Right.
01:21:57.000 Doors are easy.
01:21:58.000 That's why it's funny when you see a guy on those videos of cops breaking into doors, especially the old school ones from the 60s.
01:22:05.000 The guy's kicking the door over and over again.
01:22:07.000 He can't get it to break.
01:22:08.000 Doors are easy.
01:22:09.000 Oh, doors are easy?
01:22:10.000 Then how come he's not able to do it? 1.00
01:22:12.000 Because he's a faggot. 1.00
01:22:14.000 Well, there you go. 1.00
01:22:15.000 I never understood why they don't just go for the window.
01:22:17.000 There is something about, yeah. 0.91
01:22:19.000 Literally, he likes sex with the same... 0.99
01:22:21.000 Is that my water or yours? 0.99
01:22:23.000 This is empty.
01:22:24.000 I don't want to take a chance.
01:22:25.000 There's one behind your laptop.
01:22:26.000 Mine was right there.
01:22:28.000 You don't want to take a chance. 1.00
01:22:29.000 You're the one who busted out the fake asshole a minute into this podcast. 1.00
01:22:33.000 Well, I don't mean, when I say faggot, I don't mean faggot like as in a gay man. 1.00
01:22:37.000 You mean pussy. 1.00
01:22:38.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:22:39.000 That's one of my words I will not give up, no matter how much people give me shit about, you know, Louis C.K.'s got that big chunk on it. 0.96
01:22:45.000 I have a problem with that.
01:22:47.000 That word, to me, is not a gay slur. 0.94
01:22:50.000 You know what really drives me crazy? 0.62
01:22:51.000 When they're saying you can't say gay. 0.82
01:22:53.000 You can't say that's gay.
01:22:54.000 Like, it's offensive or insensitive. 0.99
01:22:57.000 Gay means lame. 1.00
01:22:58.000 Well, didn't it always mean joyful? 0.99
01:23:00.000 In the beginning it made, you know, like, have a gay old time. 0.97
01:23:03.000 It meant happy.
01:23:04.000 It means happy.
01:23:04.000 It meant happy.
01:23:05.000 The gay 90s, the 1890s. 0.97
01:23:06.000 Well, yeah, words changed.
01:23:08.000 And then it became homosexual. 0.92
01:23:09.000 And why can't they accept that it also means lame?
01:23:13.000 Because certain groups own words.
01:23:15.000 What if you spell it?
01:23:16.000 G-H-E-Y. Gays own gay. 1.00
01:23:19.000 Jewish people own Holocaust. 0.99
01:23:21.000 You know that whole thing with Jim Jeffries? 1.00
01:23:23.000 Black people own dope. 1.00
01:23:24.000 And white people own exquisite. 0.98
01:23:27.000 Were you on the ONA show when Jeffries was talking about his...
01:23:29.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.82
01:23:30.000 How ridiculous is that?
01:23:32.000 Jim Jeffries, a hilarious comedian, wanted to name his DVD Alcoholocost. 0.74
01:23:37.000 Yep.
01:23:38.000 And apparently it offended a bunch of Jewish people.
01:23:40.000 They got super upset.
01:23:42.000 I think it offended the ones who are in the group. 0.99
01:23:45.000 I think generally speaking, most people don't give a shit. 0.99
01:23:48.000 I don't know about that. 0.99
01:23:49.000 I would say that a lot of people who are Jewish would probably have a problem with that.
01:23:53.000 People are very, very sensitive to that. 0.94
01:23:55.000 They don't want you cracking jokes on something that fucked up their whole... 0.94
01:23:59.000 Well, yeah.
01:23:59.000 Well, he explained it, and he didn't even need to explain it.
01:24:02.000 I get it.
01:24:02.000 I didn't think he was making fun of Jewish people.
01:24:05.000 He was saying, like, he's drinking so much. 0.96
01:24:07.000 Yeah, that he's a holocaust. 0.95
01:24:08.000 He's having a holocaust of alcohol.
01:24:10.000 You can't own a word.
01:24:11.000 I mean, just calling something a holocaust. 0.81
01:24:14.000 Look, they need another word for what happened to the Jews in Nazi Germany.
01:24:18.000 I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing, and it is a holocaust. 0.97
01:24:21.000 But it's not the only holocaust. 0.92
01:24:22.000 You can't own that word now.
01:24:24.000 You can't use a holocaust for anything else. 0.95
01:24:25.000 Yeah, they treat it like the Ohio State University.
01:24:27.000 Yeah.
01:24:30.000 The Holocaust. 0.82
01:24:31.000 It's trademarked.
01:24:32.000 It's a word to describe anything that's atrocious, anything that's horrible.
01:24:36.000 I mean, that's really what it is.
01:24:37.000 It's a word to describe a terrible disaster.
01:24:39.000 I've never looked it up.
01:24:40.000 I don't know what it means.
01:24:41.000 Well, let's look up the official term of Holocaust, Brian.
01:24:44.000 Tell us what it is.
01:24:46.000 Look up A and then look up the.
01:24:48.000 I mean, look, it's not that he's making light of this horrible situation.
01:24:53.000 That has happened to people.
01:24:54.000 It was a play on words.
01:24:55.000 But then he did make light. 0.99
01:24:56.000 And then he fucked up and said, they should get over it. 0.99
01:24:59.000 It was fucking 60 years ago. 1.00
01:25:00.000 Fucking get over it. 1.00
01:25:01.000 Yeah, I thought with the accent he'd get away with it. 0.99
01:25:04.000 Because it sounded cheeky. 1.00
01:25:06.000 Australia is the shit. 1.00
01:25:07.000 Have you ever done comedy over there? 1.00
01:25:09.000 Yeah, I did.
01:25:10.000 But it was a typical thing where it was like...
01:25:12.000 It was a three-day thing where they flew you over for one day. 0.93
01:25:16.000 They gave you a day to get fucking used to it. 0.59
01:25:19.000 And then you did the gig and then they flew you back. 0.97
01:25:22.000 I stuck around for a couple days...
01:25:24.000 That's kind of how I was in Sydney.
01:25:26.000 I was only in Sydney for a couple days, but I did a gig up there. 0.99
01:25:29.000 I wanted to see all those fucking snakes over there. 0.99
01:25:32.000 We saw the kangaroos. 1.00
01:25:33.000 You know there's kangaroos that kill people all the time? 0.99
01:25:35.000 There's these big giant fucking kangaroos called gray kangaroos, and they tell you if you run into gray kangaroos, you better leave. 1.00
01:25:42.000 Just get the fuck away from them. 1.00
01:25:43.000 They're super aggressive, and they're really big. 1.00
01:25:46.000 They're fucking 300 pound kangaroos. 1.00
01:25:48.000 They kick you in the stomach and fucking gore you. 1.00
01:25:50.000 Like Bugs Bunny. 1.00
01:25:51.000 They lean back on their tail and do that.
01:25:54.000 They do lean back on their tail and attack you, but they have claws, man. 1.00
01:25:57.000 They'll rip your fucking stomach apart. 1.00
01:25:59.000 They'll fuck you up. 1.00
01:26:00.000 When they get inside, I've watched enough UFC, that fucking elbow. 1.00
01:26:03.000 You gotta clinch. 0.99
01:26:03.000 It's the most important thing. 0.99
01:26:04.000 Gotta get that clinch. 0.92
01:26:05.000 You've got no space between you and them.
01:26:07.000 No, you've got to take the kangaroo to the ground. 0.93
01:26:09.000 They've got a great stand-up game.
01:26:11.000 They bounce right back to their feet, bro.
01:26:12.000 Don't even try. 1.00
01:26:13.000 But their fucking arms are too small to grapple. 1.00
01:26:16.000 If you've got the underhooks, you've got the underhooks. 1.00
01:26:18.000 But you've got to go Randy Couture style.
01:26:19.000 We just press them up against a tree and work them up with knees. 0.97
01:26:22.000 Hey, does racking balls work on animals? 0.98
01:26:25.000 Racking balls? 0.96
01:26:26.000 Yeah, like if you rack a dog's balls, do they go, ooh, at all? 0.97
01:26:29.000 Or are we the only ones?
01:26:30.000 I think it hurts them, but I think when an animal gets into that state where they're attacking and trying to kill you, they don't think about pain the way people do.
01:26:38.000 I've seen dogs fight with each other, and they're wagging their tail like happy.
01:26:43.000 Meanwhile, they're ripping each other's faces apart, especially pit bulls. 1.00
01:26:46.000 Pit bulls, they don't seem to experience any pain when they fight.
01:26:49.000 They seem to just do it and then think about the pain later.
01:26:52.000 They block it out somehow. 0.99
01:26:53.000 I would not count on kicking a dog in the balls. 0.99
01:26:56.000 If a dog is attacking you, your best move is to choke it unconscious. 0.98
01:26:59.000 I wonder if there's videos of monkeys getting racked. 0.99
01:27:02.000 Monkeys, I'm sure it would suck. 1.00
01:27:03.000 They know it sucks because when they attack people, when chimps attack people, they go for your balls. 1.00
01:27:08.000 That's one of the number one things they do. 1.00
01:27:09.000 They try to eat your genitalia. 1.00
01:27:11.000 They rip your balls off and they usually twist your foot off too. 1.00
01:27:14.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:27:15.000 Take your fingers off. 0.82
01:27:16.000 They bite people's fingers off. 1.00
01:27:18.000 They go for your balls. 1.00
01:27:19.000 They try to blind you. 1.00
01:27:19.000 They try to take away everything that makes you human. 1.00
01:27:22.000 All your valuable assets.
01:27:24.000 Your ability to control things. 1.00
01:27:25.000 Your ability to use your dick. 1.00
01:27:26.000 I fucking... 1.00
01:27:27.000 I fucking... 1.00
01:27:28.000 I hate monkeys. 1.00
01:27:29.000 Really? 0.74
01:27:30.000 Just something about them.
01:27:31.000 I don't like them. 1.00
01:27:31.000 Chimps are scary as fuck. 1.00
01:27:32.000 I don't mind chimps. 1.00
01:27:33.000 I don't mind gorillas. 1.00
01:27:34.000 But those little fucking throwing shit at you. 1.00
01:27:37.000 Spider monkeys. 1.00
01:27:38.000 I just don't fucking like them. 0.99
01:27:39.000 I think it's from Indiana Jones. 1.00
01:27:40.000 Because that monkey was a dick. 1.00
01:27:42.000 And ever since then, I've hated small monkeys. 1.00
01:27:44.000 They're always dicks. 0.98
01:27:44.000 The organ grinder guy from back when I was a kid down in Faneuil Hall. 0.98
01:27:48.000 They were always... 1.00
01:27:49.000 Granted, they had to wear that stupid bellboy outfit. 1.00
01:27:51.000 So they probably weren't in a good mood. 1.00
01:27:53.000 But they were always creepy.
01:27:55.000 Yeah.
01:27:55.000 I grew up with a monkey.
01:27:56.000 Not my monkey.
01:27:57.000 My grandmother's monkey.
01:27:59.000 My grandmother had a monkey? 0.85
01:28:00.000 My grandmother had a monkey named Chi-Chi, and Chi-Chi lived in the attic.
01:28:03.000 And you couldn't have Chi-Chi around people because Chi-Chi would bite you. 1.00
01:28:06.000 Chi-Chi would chew gum. 1.00
01:28:08.000 She would give Chi-Chi gum, and he would unwrap the gum and put it in his mouth. 0.99
01:28:11.000 But he only liked my grandmother and didn't trust anybody else.
01:28:13.000 And if anybody got near him, Chi-Chi would attack you. 0.99
01:28:16.000 Yep.
01:28:17.000 When I was in Costa Rica, I had a monkey... 1.00
01:28:19.000 My grandmother was fucking crazy. 0.99
01:28:21.000 A monkey jumped on my back. 1.00
01:28:23.000 It was like the monkey that they had in the area, okay?
01:28:26.000 In the compound where I was staying.
01:28:28.000 Jumped on my back.
01:28:29.000 Hooked its tail around my neck.
01:28:31.000 And so now it's inverted, hanging upside down, went right in my pocket, took my hotel keys, and then went up the tree in like two seconds. 0.97
01:28:38.000 And I'm literally standing there like, did that just fucking happen? 0.91
01:28:41.000 Are you serious? 1.00
01:28:41.000 So now I'm sitting there, and I got some fucking, I don't know, some sort of Costa Rican Kiwi trying to get this fucking monkey to come down. 1.00
01:28:50.000 I forget it. 0.99
01:28:50.000 I remember I fucking, my human brain outdid his monkey brain. 0.99
01:28:55.000 And I got it back. 0.99
01:28:56.000 And I did a quick switcheroo, and I ran...
01:29:00.000 Because it was on a chain, and I was able to just get away, and the thing was so pissed. 0.99
01:29:04.000 As I was running away, I just heard it go, ah! 0.99
01:29:05.000 It just fucking screamed at me, pissed. 0.99
01:29:07.000 They get mad. 1.00
01:29:08.000 I was like, yeah, there you go, you fucker. 1.00
01:29:10.000 Well, that's what happens in India. 1.00
01:29:11.000 They steal things from people, and then they want you to give them food back.
01:29:14.000 You give them food, and they give you whatever they took from you.
01:29:18.000 They make deals with people.
01:29:19.000 Do they kill animals over there?
01:29:21.000 They've killed people.
01:29:22.000 Oh, they're into cows. 0.99
01:29:23.000 The mayor of one of the towns in India got killed by monkeys recently, like within the last couple of years. 1.00
01:29:28.000 They fucking swarmed his ass, just jacked him. 1.00
01:29:31.000 What's the monkeys with the big, puffy tumors on their face? 1.00
01:29:33.000 That's like the pit tumors on their face.
01:29:35.000 Yeah. 0.82
01:29:35.000 The monkey problem. 0.82
01:29:36.000 You know, like the ones that have, is it orangutan? 0.94
01:29:38.000 Yeah, the weird crazy head.
01:29:39.000 Those things are crazy.
01:29:41.000 How about baboons?
01:29:42.000 They look like half a dog, half a monkey.
01:29:44.000 That's a weird animal.
01:29:45.000 Baboons eat babies too, man.
01:29:47.000 So do chimps. 0.96
01:29:47.000 Chimps will eat babies. 0.96
01:29:48.000 If you leave babies around and chimps see them, they'll eat them.
01:29:52.000 Yeah, they're still not worse than bankers.
01:29:55.000 Have you ever seen the video of the chimp eating the monkey?
01:29:58.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:29:59.000 They're finally realizing that they do that. 0.99
01:30:01.000 And they also, they sort of all talk shit after they do it. 0.99
01:30:04.000 They feel like they start beating their chest. 0.99
01:30:06.000 They're very... 1.00
01:30:06.000 They're ruthless motherfuckers. 1.00
01:30:08.000 I thought for the longest time it was orangutan, like the orange drink. 1.00
01:30:12.000 No, it's tan.
01:30:12.000 I still did.
01:30:14.000 Well, that's also Neanderthal.
01:30:16.000 Neanderthal is not really Neanderthal.
01:30:17.000 It's Neanderthal. 0.91
01:30:18.000 Yeah.
01:30:18.000 You know, it's named after a part of France.
01:30:21.000 That's where they found the first skeletons.
01:30:23.000 They've been saying recently that people are, most people or a good percentage of people have Neanderthal genetics in them and that we somehow or another absorb them.
01:30:33.000 I do.
01:30:33.000 Look at my forehead.
01:30:34.000 I got a Frankenstein forehead, dude.
01:30:36.000 My eyebrows.
01:30:37.000 Like, look at that ultimate doom.
01:30:39.000 Tell me I don't have the same brow.
01:30:40.000 That's true. 1.00
01:30:41.000 It's that fucking thing. 1.00
01:30:42.000 Your brow is nothing. 1.00
01:30:43.000 I want to show you my dentist.
01:30:44.000 My dentist is so freaky.
01:30:45.000 I will drive you over to his office just to say hi, just so you can see his head.
01:30:49.000 Really? 1.00
01:30:50.000 His fucking forehead. 1.00
01:30:51.000 Switch dentist, man. 1.00
01:30:52.000 It sticks out like this far. 1.00
01:30:55.000 Like no bullshit. 0.98
01:30:56.000 It doesn't even look real. 0.99
01:30:57.000 It looks like he's wearing a Klingon plate. 0.99
01:31:00.000 Like you put a Klingon plate from fucking Star Wars The Next Generation. 0.99
01:31:03.000 Put it on his head. 0.99
01:31:04.000 I mean, it really looks like that.
01:31:05.000 He's just got these deeps. 0.99
01:31:07.000 His eyes, no bullshit, are like that deep into his head. 1.00
01:31:10.000 Jesus. 1.00
01:31:10.000 My dentist is kind of crazy. 1.00
01:31:12.000 My dentist is like that.
01:31:13.000 What's that movie, People Under the Stairs or whatever, where Danny...
01:31:17.000 I should say this in case my dentist is listening.
01:31:19.000 He's a great guy. 0.96
01:31:20.000 Look, I'm not fucking perfect either. 0.99
01:31:22.000 I look like a chimp. 0.95
01:31:23.000 I'm not the best looking guy in the world.
01:31:25.000 It's too late.
01:31:25.000 Those guys are all depressed.
01:31:26.000 He's a very nice guy. 0.81
01:31:27.000 He's a very nice guy, but he's got a big crazy forehead.
01:31:30.000 That's just a fact.
01:31:32.000 I didn't name any names. 1.00
01:31:34.000 You know what's funny about that shit with that big forehead? 1.00
01:31:36.000 I wonder if that affects that light that they have on their head. 1.00
01:31:39.000 If it's like too far and it just shines on the back of your head.
01:31:45.000 It's kind of adjusted.
01:31:46.000 It's too far in.
01:31:50.000 He's got to point it like straight down.
01:31:53.000 Do they even use that or am I thinking of minors? 1.00
01:31:55.000 I think dentists probably use that shit too. 1.00
01:31:58.000 Digging deep in your mouth? 1.00
01:31:59.000 They should, right?
01:32:00.000 Yeah, that's a rough job.
01:32:02.000 My dentist hypnotizes me.
01:32:04.000 There's a part where they check for cancer.
01:32:06.000 I don't know if your dentists do that where they go, okay, so this is where your so-and-so gland is. 0.99
01:32:11.000 Your dentist is broke.
01:32:13.000 Does your dentist stick his fingers in your mouth and you start sucking his fingers? 0.99
01:32:16.000 No. 1.00
01:32:16.000 He pulls his dick out and then you wake up and you're like, What happened? 1.00
01:32:19.000 Oh, did you ever see that guy? 1.00
01:32:21.000 Oh, that would feel girls up when you put them under? 0.99
01:32:23.000 Yeah, and they busted him.
01:32:24.000 They busted us.
01:32:25.000 And what I loved about that guy is you could so tell he never got arrested for anything in his life.
01:32:30.000 And he just, he just like, he just, you saw it in his whole body.
01:32:33.000 He was just like, okay, like the girl was under, right?
01:32:36.000 And she kept waking up feeling like her...
01:32:39.000 Bra wasn't right the way it should have been.
01:32:41.000 So they basically get her to go in there again to go under. 0.98
01:32:44.000 And they drilled in from like the CVS next door or some shit. 0.97
01:32:47.000 And they got this camera. 1.00
01:32:48.000 So he starts fucking... 0.99
01:32:49.000 Second, he starts sitting. 1.00
01:32:50.000 He seems like, yeah, I'm gonna go have a tits. 1.00
01:32:52.000 And he has all this type of shit. 1.00
01:32:53.000 And then immediately all these SWAT guys come in. 1.00
01:32:55.000 And he goes literally from that to, eh, my life's over. 0.98
01:32:58.000 And he's just fucking shoulder slumped. 0.99
01:33:01.000 Dragged out. 0.98
01:33:02.000 Can you imagine what happened to that guy in prison? 1.00
01:33:05.000 You're going in as a fucking sex offender dentist who probably hasn't had a fight since the third grade. 1.00
01:33:12.000 No gang affiliation. 1.00
01:33:13.000 He would have to join one.
01:33:15.000 Who would take him? 1.00
01:33:16.000 You've got to be somebody's bitch the first night. 1.00
01:33:18.000 Yeah, you've got to suck some cock right away. 1.00
01:33:20.000 You've got to put on a dress. 1.00
01:33:22.000 You think of some guys in prison like, what the fuck is going to happen to Bernie Madoff? 0.98
01:33:27.000 What's going on with that guy in prison? 0.99
01:33:29.000 They must be beating the fuck out of him. 0.99
01:33:31.000 Nah, that's white collar. 0.98
01:33:32.000 Guys who are getting out, he's probably holding court.
01:33:34.000 Is he in a white collar prison, you think?
01:33:36.000 Absolutely.
01:33:37.000 He probably can get fresco.
01:33:38.000 Despite the fact that his felonies were so egregious? 0.99
01:33:42.000 Because they're not violent, they don't give a shit. 0.97
01:33:47.000 So in all non-violent offenses, they put them with other non-violent people? 0.98
01:33:51.000 I don't know how it works, dude.
01:33:52.000 I just know if you're rich, you don't go to real jail. 1.00
01:33:55.000 But he actually fucked... 0.99
01:33:57.000 The problem was not how much money he took, was, I think, who he took it from. 0.99
01:34:01.000 And they had as much influence, if not more, as he did.
01:34:04.000 So he actually got life in prison.
01:34:07.000 You think that's unusual? 1.00
01:34:08.000 I just pulled that on my ass. 1.00
01:34:09.000 I have no idea. 1.00
01:34:11.000 No fucking idea. 0.99
01:34:11.000 You think it's unusual that he got life in prison? 0.99
01:34:13.000 I mean, what he did was, I mean, fucking $50 billion. 0.99
01:34:17.000 You gotta put him in jail for life. 0.99
01:34:18.000 There's no way he's gonna pay that back.
01:34:20.000 I mean, what would be...
01:34:21.000 Oh, did you see that thing in Rolling Stone this month?
01:34:25.000 Matt Taibbi's article?
01:34:26.000 It was the one about those kids, the biggest, like, internet...
01:34:32.000 Cyberspace crime ever?
01:34:34.000 Yeah, I haven't read that yet. 1.00
01:34:35.000 Oh, you gotta read that shit. 0.99
01:34:37.000 It'll make you super paranoid about where you use your credit card. 1.00
01:34:39.000 These guys would sit outside the mall.
01:34:41.000 This was their hacky way they first did it. 0.99
01:34:45.000 Would sit there in a car with like a fucking eight-foot antenna. 1.00
01:34:49.000 And they somehow tap in to whatever that shit in the fucking air is. 1.00
01:34:54.000 You know, that computer shit. 1.00
01:34:56.000 The satellite thing. 1.00
01:34:57.000 We're back to that.
01:34:58.000 And as you use the credit cards, somehow they would break into the system or something. 0.99
01:35:02.000 I don't know what the fuck. 0.96
01:35:03.000 I can't even explain it. 1.00
01:35:04.000 I'm too fucking dumb. 0.99
01:35:04.000 But even for a guy like me, it was fascinating. 0.99
01:35:07.000 So there was some sort of a wireless transmission of your credit card information?
01:35:11.000 You're in there.
01:35:11.000 Right.
01:35:12.000 Buying a thermal.
01:35:13.000 Okay.
01:35:14.000 All right? 1.00
01:35:15.000 And you swipe your card, and as they're putting it into the system, or as you swipe it, somehow they're tapped into this shit through the fucking air. 0.99
01:35:22.000 It's literally like magic. 1.00
01:35:24.000 Like all those years of people pulling out rabbits out of hats, and it was all bullshit. 1.00
01:35:28.000 These guys, I don't know how the fuck they were doing it. 1.00
01:35:30.000 So they would do that, and then they were like, alright, this is bullshit, it's too risky. 1.00
01:35:35.000 They somehow, then they took it to the next level, and they got into the main...
01:35:40.000 Database.
01:35:41.000 Database.
01:35:41.000 Thank you.
01:35:42.000 I needed a word.
01:35:42.000 I'll go with that.
01:35:43.000 The main database of like all the Macy's or whatever.
01:35:46.000 You got people's credit card numbers and jacked them.
01:35:49.000 Yeah, they got like, I don't know.
01:35:51.000 What number am I saying?
01:35:52.000 I'm going to say 50 million credit cards. 0.99
01:35:53.000 Well, if you think the banks are totally corrupt, do you think that the banks would hack into people's shit on purpose? 1.00
01:35:58.000 Like hire people to hack into people's shit? 1.00
01:36:00.000 Well, this is what I think about. 1.00
01:36:02.000 I don't think...
01:36:03.000 This is what I don't like.
01:36:05.000 It's not my money.
01:36:07.000 It's their money.
01:36:08.000 And they give it to me and my job is to get in debt with it. 0.99
01:36:11.000 And if I don't, then they just fucking take it from me. 0.94
01:36:13.000 That's basically what happens. 0.98
01:36:16.000 Right, but I mean the hackers.
01:36:18.000 Hackers?
01:36:18.000 I don't know.
01:36:19.000 You know how the CIA has always been accused of selling drugs, and the argument for it is the bad guy is going to sell drugs no matter what you do.
01:36:27.000 The CIA takes that money and uses it for covert operations to protect Americans, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:36:31.000 The CIA has always sold drugs, and that's just the way it is.
01:36:34.000 Do you think that the bankers would get involved in hacker activity just because they figured, look, someone's going to do this, we're going to do this?
01:36:40.000 At this point, it might be another...
01:36:42.000 They just look at everything as revenue streams.
01:36:44.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:36:44.000 I don't think that they look at shit. 1.00
01:36:46.000 Well, that'd be weird because they would be sabotaging themselves. 0.99
01:36:50.000 But this is my question.
01:36:51.000 I'm always looking at these hacker things.
01:36:53.000 But I really don't think bankers are above stealing.
01:36:56.000 No, of course they're not above stealing. 0.76
01:36:57.000 But I always look at these hacker situations and I go, okay, you hear about this fucking Russian teenager made $50 million in a year in his basement and then he started an empire, blah, blah, blah, and he was just a hacker. 0.84
01:37:08.000 Well, if I'm reading about this, there's got to be some people that are rich and powerful and recognize that $50 million is some real money. 0.94
01:37:14.000 And if this goofball kid in his fucking basement is making that kind of money, is there a way they can do that? 1.00
01:37:19.000 I mean, is there any of this shit? 1.00
01:37:21.000 Well, I don't think that they have to hack into their own system. 0.99
01:37:25.000 I think that they do it.
01:37:26.000 They steal from the people who put money, us, the customers, they steal through like fees.
01:37:35.000 Well, they definitely do that, too. 0.99
01:37:37.000 I think they're going to risk what they have for doing hacker shit. 0.99
01:37:39.000 You know what I mean? 0.98
01:37:40.000 If this guy's super rich, he's not going to risk everything he has. 0.99
01:37:42.000 Maybe not in America, but I bet in some other countries they're pulling some shit off. 1.00
01:37:46.000 There's something about that shit, though, where I find that that type of shit is so fascinating. 1.00
01:37:52.000 You learn how to pick a lock. 1.00
01:37:54.000 The bullshit that I'm doing is no big deal. 0.99
01:37:56.000 But those guys who can actually hack their way... 0.97
01:37:59.000 I tell you, what's even more interesting is that if you go on YouTube, there's ways to show you how to get those things that you put on ATMs at the gas pump, and there's videos showing how to do it and where to buy them.
01:38:11.000 It's like this thing that fits over the credit card slot at your gas pump, and there's a little camera that you tape into the corner. 0.99
01:38:18.000 I'll tell you right now, that's why you never use your fucking ATM card. 0.99
01:38:21.000 Because that's your money. 1.00
01:38:23.000 They get that shit, they get your money. 1.00
01:38:24.000 They get your fucking credit card. 1.00
01:38:27.000 That's Citibank's money. 1.00
01:38:28.000 So then they'll call you up and be like, you know, did you buy a tank top in Kansas City?
01:38:32.000 No, I did not.
01:38:33.000 You ever get that?
01:38:34.000 You ever be on the road so much?
01:38:35.000 I used to be on the road like they would constantly be shutting my credit card off and not realizing that I was a comedian.
01:38:40.000 They'd be like, did you get a lap dance in Toronto?
01:38:42.000 Yes, I did.
01:38:43.000 Did you get chicken wings two days later in St. Louis?
01:38:47.000 Yes, I did.
01:38:48.000 And they're finally like, what do you do?
01:38:49.000 I'm a comedian.
01:38:50.000 I'm on a college tour.
01:38:51.000 Yeah, you should never do debit either.
01:38:54.000 You should always do credit card, you know, where they always try to trick you to put in your PIN. And you're like, no, I'm not putting in my PIN. Run it as a credit card.
01:39:00.000 Don't ever do that.
01:39:01.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:39:01.000 Because then it also protects your shit for 30 days, too. 1.00
01:39:04.000 Yeah, fuck that. 1.00
01:39:06.000 Fuck all that, dude. 1.00
01:39:07.000 And they're trying to make it cashless. 1.00
01:39:09.000 Cash is the shit. 1.00
01:39:11.000 Cash is anonymous. 1.00
01:39:12.000 We gotta go back to one piece of gold equals one donkey.
01:39:15.000 That's what we gotta go back to. 1.00
01:39:17.000 You fucking bite a piece of it off to get some potatoes. 1.00
01:39:19.000 You gotta get something for something. 1.00
01:39:22.000 Your money has to represent something.
01:39:23.000 The problem is our money doesn't actually represent anything.
01:39:26.000 It's just an idea.
01:39:27.000 It's just confidence.
01:39:28.000 We have confidence that $100 is worth $100.
01:39:31.000 But it doesn't represent $100 that's worth a gold that's sitting in a vault somewhere.
01:39:34.000 Why can't we just keep that confidence?
01:39:35.000 I'm alright with it. 0.99
01:39:37.000 Dude, I like your Hall of Fame of fucking geese you have in there. 1.00
01:39:42.000 That's hilarious. 0.99
01:39:44.000 I'm looking into Joe's walk-in closet right now. 0.99
01:39:46.000 Most people have fucking jerseys from sports they never played. 0.99
01:39:50.000 That's his Dexter trophies. 0.99
01:39:52.000 Yeah, he still has like dried blood from some kid he fucking hammer-fisted back in his Revere days. 0.85
01:39:57.000 Those are all my Taekwondo medals on the doorknob. 1.00
01:40:00.000 That's all shit from the 80s. 1.00
01:40:01.000 Wow. 1.00
01:40:02.000 Dude, that was one of my favorite...
01:40:04.000 Some things I've kept from my other life. 0.99
01:40:05.000 Yeah, that's one of my favorite fucking responses. 0.98
01:40:07.000 I was on his... 1.00
01:40:08.000 I think it was your website way back in the day and some kid was giving him shit. 1.00
01:40:13.000 So Joe, you know, just blast them. 1.00
01:40:15.000 Whatever. 1.00
01:40:15.000 You're just a fucking loser. 1.00
01:40:17.000 And the kid writes, oh, what do you mean I'm a fucking loser? 1.00
01:40:19.000 He goes, I'm only 20 years old. 1.00
01:40:21.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:40:21.000 What were you doing at 20?
01:40:23.000 And Joe's like, I was a national champion in Taekwondo, you fucking loser. 1.00
01:40:29.000 You're like one of the few guys who was actually a success before they got into this shit. 0.99
01:40:33.000 Well, I was, but I definitely wasn't a financial success. 0.98
01:40:36.000 That's why I knew...
01:40:37.000 You weren't doing a Taekwondo tour?
01:40:38.000 I was teaching.
01:40:39.000 I was teaching at Boston University.
01:40:40.000 I was teaching at BU when I was 19. I taught at Boston University.
01:40:44.000 That's not normal.
01:40:45.000 That's way above most people.
01:40:46.000 Were you banging half the broads in your class? 1.00
01:40:49.000 I fucked a few of them. 1.00
01:40:51.000 I fucked one of them. 1.00
01:40:53.000 One of them, she was so hot. 1.00
01:40:55.000 I don't want to say her name, but she was this really hot Latina chick. 1.00
01:40:59.000 And then I saw her again like three years ago.
01:41:01.000 And she wasn't the type of girl to work out. 1.00
01:41:04.000 She was just the type of girl that, you know, when she was young, she was 19. When I was 19, she was just getting by on her looks.
01:41:09.000 But now she's like 41 and she doesn't exercise and it was so sad.
01:41:15.000 She's probably sad to see me too. 0.98
01:41:16.000 I was a fucking handsome looking fellow when I was younger. 0.98
01:41:18.000 I'm this old broken down man. 0.99
01:41:20.000 Joe coming in at 19 to teach the class. 0.99
01:41:22.000 He probably did that Jean-Claude Van Damme fucking split. 0.98
01:41:26.000 Between two desks, and that was it. 0.99
01:41:28.000 He fucking ran through the whole class. 0.99
01:41:29.000 From that year, from 15 until I was 21, I was literally... 0.99
01:41:34.000 All I did was fight.
01:41:36.000 All I did was train and fight.
01:41:38.000 That's all I did.
01:41:39.000 I didn't have any social life.
01:41:40.000 I had a girlfriend here and there.
01:41:42.000 They would always get sick of me and break up with me and whatever.
01:41:44.000 But all I did was train and fight.
01:41:47.000 I didn't party.
01:41:47.000 I didn't drink.
01:41:48.000 Very rarely did I drink.
01:41:50.000 I smoked pot twice, from like 15 to 21. That's all I did was fight.
01:41:54.000 I was completely out of my head.
01:41:56.000 And I went from that, from going to Taekwondo, straight into going to comedy.
01:42:01.000 Kickboxing.
01:42:02.000 I had three kickboxing fights, and then I went right into comedy.
01:42:05.000 Because I knew I was going nowhere.
01:42:06.000 There's no money in it.
01:42:07.000 Was your opening stand-up, was it about fighting?
01:42:11.000 No, I never talked about it.
01:42:12.000 Was it really intense?
01:42:13.000 It was like, hello, this is my comedy.
01:42:16.000 No, I tried to do it.
01:42:17.000 I figure you've got to talk about your life.
01:42:18.000 No, I never talked about that. 0.99
01:42:20.000 No one wants to think that some fucking guy's a martial arts champion. 0.99
01:42:24.000 That's the thing, because he was actually good at it. 0.99
01:42:26.000 You've got to have low self-esteem.
01:42:28.000 Yeah, right. 0.99
01:42:29.000 You could say, you know, if you could say, oh, I fought in a tag window tournament once, and I fought on Friday, and when I finally woke up on Tuesday, you know, after some guy kicked me in the fucking head. 0.96
01:42:37.000 Yeah, so now I'm doing comedy. 0.86
01:42:39.000 Yeah, everybody would like that. 0.98
01:42:39.000 You can't say that, oh, so I fucking kicked this dude in the head and knocked him into a coma. 0.98
01:42:44.000 That's not funny. 0.98
01:42:44.000 Dude, but when I started out, though, there was like, you know, because all those headliners didn't leave, we were like, how the fuck do you end up headlining? 0.98
01:42:52.000 We were looking at the only guys who kind of busted through. 0.71
01:42:55.000 It was you and Anthony Clark.
01:42:59.000 With the two guys at the time who had actually somehow gotten past the old boy network.
01:43:05.000 Yeah.
01:43:05.000 Well, they left.
01:43:06.000 Anthony was one of the...
01:43:07.000 And Nick DePaulo left, too.
01:43:08.000 They just left.
01:43:09.000 You had to leave.
01:43:10.000 You can't stay in Boston.
01:43:11.000 It was so intoxicating because you could make a living.
01:43:14.000 You could be in Boston, and even if you were a nobody, you could grind out $500 a week.
01:43:20.000 You could do here, do here, as long as you're willing to drive and travel.
01:43:23.000 If you had $500 cash a week, you could pay for your bills, you could eat.
01:43:26.000 But if you wanted to try to go on the road, man... 0.99
01:43:28.000 Good fucking luck. 0.98
01:43:29.000 No TV credits, no nothing, just some guy from Boston. 0.99
01:43:32.000 How much are they going to pay you? 0.99
01:43:33.000 But your fucking gas, your airfare is going to eat up all your profits. 0.99
01:43:36.000 It's fucking hard. 1.00
01:43:37.000 What do you think now? 0.99
01:43:39.000 Because I just went back to Boston.
01:43:41.000 Have you been back there lately?
01:43:42.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:43:42.000 It's sad.
01:43:43.000 There's nothing going on there now. 1.00
01:43:44.000 It's the fucking... 0.99
01:43:45.000 The Comedy Connection's a theater now, you know? 1.00
01:43:47.000 It's that big Wilbur Theater.
01:43:49.000 Right.
01:43:49.000 Comedy Connection used to be 150 seats.
01:43:51.000 That badass little room.
01:43:53.000 And now it's, you know...
01:43:54.000 No, but they reopened that right up the street.
01:43:56.000 The old Charles Street Playhouse.
01:43:58.000 Yeah?
01:43:58.000 What's it now?
01:43:59.000 Ah, what the fuck is it called? 0.98
01:44:01.000 I can't remember. 0.99
01:44:02.000 There's a small one in Faneuil Hall called Motley's.
01:44:04.000 I did that one.
01:44:05.000 Is that Tim McKenzie's place?
01:44:06.000 I can't remember.
01:44:07.000 I ran through all of them.
01:44:09.000 That was like an 85-seater.
01:44:11.000 I did Dick Doherty's Comedy Vault, where I put together, basically polished up my first five minutes of material ever, so I always go down there.
01:44:20.000 The vault.
01:44:20.000 I did the vault.
01:44:21.000 Oh, yeah, dude. 0.87
01:44:21.000 I fucking love that place. 0.87
01:44:23.000 And this is the thing. 0.99
01:44:24.000 It hasn't changed...
01:44:25.000 I remember when that place started. 0.98
01:44:28.000 This is how fucking old I am now. 0.98
01:44:29.000 And now they just celebrated. 0.99
01:44:31.000 Tim McIntyre.
01:44:31.000 Did I say Tim McKenzie?
01:44:32.000 I'm sorry if he's listening.
01:44:33.000 Tim McIntyre.
01:44:34.000 I think it started in 93. Yeah.
01:44:37.000 What, The Vault?
01:44:38.000 The Vault's earlier than that, son.
01:44:40.000 No, no, no.
01:44:41.000 The Vault?
01:44:42.000 Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault?
01:44:43.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00
01:44:43.000 That shit was around in the 80s. 1.00
01:44:45.000 Because in 88, when I was around, the Dick Daugherty Comedy Vault was around. 0.99
01:44:49.000 Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault.
01:44:50.000 At Remington's? 1.00
01:44:51.000 Yeah, that fucking bank. 1.00
01:44:52.000 It's like a bank. 1.00
01:44:53.000 Wow.
01:44:53.000 It's a vault.
01:44:54.000 I thought Spike Tobin was the first guy who opened that shit up. 0.99
01:44:58.000 Might have reopened it. 0.99
01:44:59.000 Might have reopened it.
01:45:00.000 Okay, that's what it is.
01:45:00.000 It might have went under and they brought it back.
01:45:02.000 But Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault was a staple back when I was living there.
01:45:05.000 And I moved out of Boston in like 92. Yeah, you were gone before.
01:45:09.000 Right when I started, you were already gone.
01:45:11.000 Yeah.
01:45:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:45:14.000 What the fuck was I working at? 0.99
01:45:15.000 I think I was... 0.99
01:45:16.000 First time I saw...
01:45:17.000 I saw you at the Kowloon.
01:45:18.000 Oh, that place.
01:45:19.000 That was a good place.
01:45:21.000 Yeah, that place.
01:45:21.000 Chinese food and comedy.
01:45:23.000 Chinese food and comedy is a weird combination that exists in Boston.
01:45:28.000 Like, the biggest...
01:45:28.000 The most famous historical comedy club in Boston was the Ding Ho.
01:45:32.000 It was a Chinese restaurant that they had comedy out of.
01:45:34.000 And now the only place that exists is that place that Rick Jenkins runs.
01:45:38.000 He runs a place in Cambridge.
01:45:39.000 Yeah, and that's another...
01:45:42.000 A Chinese restaurant.
01:45:43.000 A Chinese restaurant in the upstate.
01:45:45.000 The Comedy Lab, is that what they call it?
01:45:46.000 Yeah, remember the Aku Aku's?
01:45:49.000 Yeah, Aku Aku.
01:45:50.000 And then the other place is Mike Clark's place, Giggles and Saugus.
01:45:53.000 Yeah.
01:45:54.000 But there's more work in Boston, or at least there was, like just little road gigs, an hour drive here, hour drive there, more of those in that area than anywhere else in the country.
01:46:05.000 When I would talk to guys from other places, and then I'm like, where's your road gigs?
01:46:08.000 Where do you go for road gigs?
01:46:09.000 Oh, you know, sometimes I do Ohio.
01:46:11.000 Sometimes, like, what do you got?
01:46:12.000 No, don't you have gigs around here?
01:46:13.000 Like, no one could make a living around there.
01:46:15.000 Yeah, but half of that was because nobody would start, like, I don't know what it was about.
01:46:20.000 People would just start rooms.
01:46:21.000 Do you remember Bob Marley out of Maine? 0.98
01:46:23.000 He came down like a fully formed fucking headliner just because he had, like, 25 rooms going up in Maine. 0.93
01:46:30.000 Like, he started basically, it was like McDonald's, but he started with, like, Comrie's. 0.99
01:46:34.000 He used to tell me...
01:46:35.000 When he was living up there, and it was getting so big, he actually ended up leaving because he almost became, I think, kind of almost like a club owner at that point.
01:46:43.000 He could have done it, but he basically started the comedy scene up there.
01:46:49.000 Because before that, all they had was the connection, but like...
01:46:52.000 Portland.
01:46:52.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:46:53.000 And he had, at any given time...
01:46:56.000 It was before that.
01:46:56.000 I used to do gigs in Bangor, and Bob would do guest spots and shit when he was first starting out.
01:47:01.000 I don't know if you know how famous he is in Maine.
01:47:03.000 Do you know how big he is?
01:47:05.000 If you don't know who Bob Marley is, he's a very funny guy.
01:47:08.000 Very nice guy. 0.97
01:47:08.000 I've known him for fucking 20 plus years. 0.97
01:47:10.000 Always been just a great guy. 0.96
01:47:11.000 But when he first started out, he probably started out in 89 or 90. There's no one known for being from Maine.
01:47:20.000 There's no one Maine comic that stands out.
01:47:22.000 But Bart Marley in anywhere else in the country is like, people might have heard of him, you might have heard him on XM radio, you might have seen him on Comedy Central or something. 0.99
01:47:28.000 In Maine, that motherfucker is huge. 0.99
01:47:32.000 There's probably no comparison. 1.00
01:47:34.000 It's like Gabriel Iglesias in LA is giant.
01:47:39.000 Gabriel Iglesias does shows in LA. Well, he'll do like five shows on a Monday night, like something fucking nutty and sell out every one like days and days in advance. 0.66
01:47:48.000 That's how he is. 0.96
01:47:50.000 Nobody else is like that.
01:47:51.000 Yeah, no.
01:47:51.000 He used to go...
01:47:52.000 I remember he used to tell me...
01:47:52.000 He would basically...
01:47:53.000 He'd be in LA auditioning.
01:47:55.000 And then every year, right as the holidays came around, he would make like 10 times what I made on the road in that month.
01:48:02.000 Yeah.
01:48:03.000 Probably shouldn't be talking about his money.
01:48:04.000 But yeah, he would just go up there and do parties.
01:48:06.000 And then he'd do the New Year's thing.
01:48:08.000 Dude, this movie was like eight years in.
01:48:10.000 He would do like a 1,500, 2,000 theater. 0.99
01:48:13.000 And he'd be doing like adding shows and shit.
01:48:15.000 Yeah, and doing all this Maine material, you know? 0.98
01:48:18.000 So much Maine.
01:48:19.000 Like, I was listening to him on the radio the other day.
01:48:20.000 It was on XM Radio.
01:48:21.000 I was doing all these Maine jokes.
01:48:22.000 And he was doing them in Maine.
01:48:24.000 They were going crazy. 0.99
01:48:25.000 They were fucking going nuts for it. 0.99
01:48:26.000 No, and he also, dude, he has, like, a box set. 0.99
01:48:29.000 That's how many albums this dude has put out.
01:48:31.000 He's put out, like, 16 albums.
01:48:34.000 14 albums. 0.99
01:48:35.000 Fucking unbelievable. 0.99
01:48:36.000 That's incredible. 0.99
01:48:37.000 The amount.
01:48:38.000 Hours. 1.00
01:48:39.000 14 hours of fucking material. 1.00
01:48:42.000 Have you ever heard of anybody else who's done that? 0.99
01:48:44.000 Have you ever heard of anybody else who just nailed it in one area like that?
01:48:48.000 No, there's a couple.
01:48:50.000 Wait, who's the guy down there?
01:48:50.000 Nobody like that, though.
01:48:52.000 Not like that, but wasn't there a...
01:48:54.000 I always hear of those guys when you'd be down south.
01:48:56.000 Killer Bees.
01:48:57.000 Remember her?
01:48:57.000 Killer Bees guys, and there was one or two other guys who, south of the Mason-Dixon line, would just absolutely, if you just put their name up, they would sell like a thousand tickets.
01:49:10.000 A few of those guys.
01:49:11.000 But I don't think there's any one guy that's got a state nailed like Bob Marley does, and he created it.
01:49:17.000 Yeah.
01:49:18.000 But it's a state that's proud to be that state too.
01:49:20.000 That's a part of the whole key to it.
01:49:21.000 He's actually from Maine and the people in Maine are proud to be from Maine.
01:49:26.000 It's like a big deal.
01:49:26.000 Somebody's getting an idea.
01:49:27.000 There's a comedian right now in like South Dakota.
01:49:29.000 Trying to put it together. 1.00
01:49:30.000 Just be like, dude, I could run this fucking town. 1.00
01:49:32.000 State. 1.00
01:49:33.000 Whatever the hell I'm trying to say. 0.99
01:49:34.000 Does anybody give a fuck about being from South Dakota though? 0.99
01:49:38.000 That's right there. 0.99
01:49:39.000 Who gave a fuck about being from Maine? 0.98
01:49:41.000 A lot of Maine people. 1.00
01:49:42.000 You ever talk shit about Maine people in Maine? 1.00
01:49:44.000 Yeah, but people in South Dakota, they give a fuck about being there. 0.99
01:49:46.000 Not as much as Maine. 0.98
01:49:48.000 I've done dates in Maine.
01:49:49.000 I was in North Dakota and they were all right when Fargo came out.
01:49:52.000 I was like, we don't talk like that. 1.00
01:49:53.000 That's fucking bullshit. 1.00
01:49:55.000 It's like, well, you think we talk like Cliff Clavin on chairs? 1.00
01:49:58.000 We don't.
01:49:59.000 A lot of us do.
01:50:00.000 Kind of do.
01:50:00.000 Boston people?
01:50:01.000 No, he fucked that accent up. 0.93
01:50:02.000 He would go, hey there. 0.97
01:50:03.000 He'd go, hey there, Nami.
01:50:05.000 It's Norm.
01:50:06.000 It's not Nam. 0.94
01:50:08.000 Yeah.
01:50:08.000 Everything was parked the car, so they put an A. All you do is take the R out.
01:50:12.000 Instead of Norm, it's Norm.
01:50:12.000 Yeah, it wasn't a good Boston accent.
01:50:14.000 Am I really picking him apart?
01:50:15.000 You gotta get someone from Boston.
01:50:18.000 Poor Norm. 0.98
01:50:19.000 Did you hear he went on the Opie and Anthony show and apparently they fucking kicked him off? 0.99
01:50:24.000 Really? 0.98
01:50:25.000 Yeah.
01:50:25.000 He's got some beer book he's putting out now.
01:50:28.000 George Wendt, right?
01:50:29.000 Right.
01:50:29.000 Not George Wendt.
01:50:30.000 I'm talking to the other guy.
01:50:31.000 Yeah, George Wendt was Norm.
01:50:32.000 The mailman.
01:50:33.000 Right.
01:50:34.000 And the mailman was Cliff.
01:50:35.000 The beer guy, if someone was going to put out a beer book, it would have been Norm.
01:50:38.000 It would have been George Wendt.
01:50:39.000 Yeah, well, George Wendt was on the Opie and Anthony show, and I don't know what happened, but it was very unenthusiastic, and they wound up kicking him out.
01:50:46.000 Oh, because he was unenthusiastic.
01:50:48.000 I don't know what happened.
01:50:49.000 I'm as informed as you are about the economy. 0.99
01:50:53.000 Dude, those fucking guys, I always get excited. 0.99
01:50:57.000 Oh, they had so-and-so on. 1.00
01:50:58.000 How did it go?
01:50:59.000 John Ratzinger. 0.99
01:50:59.000 Fucking Jimmy went in the other room and started prank calling him. 0.99
01:51:04.000 You heard Jimmy with Jesse Ventura? 0.99
01:51:05.000 That's my favorite.
01:51:07.000 That's my favorite. 0.99
01:51:08.000 He fucking destroyed him. 1.00
01:51:09.000 He crushed him. 0.99
01:51:10.000 Thank you for your service to our country.
01:51:12.000 And he was saluting him.
01:51:14.000 Dude, I thought for once I was actually going to see Jesse in a real fight.
01:51:17.000 After all those years of watching him fake fight.
01:51:19.000 I was in Vietnam.
01:51:21.000 Where were you? 1.00
01:51:24.000 It's got to be one of those weird fucking stupid bullying things. 1.00
01:51:27.000 Norton hates it when someone tries to bully him. 1.00
01:51:29.000 You know, when someone just demands respect without fucking proving your point. 1.00
01:51:33.000 Put your fucking point. 1.00
01:51:34.000 And he gets crazy and just chewed him up. 1.00
01:51:36.000 I thought it was awesome.
01:51:37.000 Oh, it was hilarious.
01:51:38.000 It was the combination of awesome and then also he was beating him so bad.
01:51:44.000 I felt bad for Jesse.
01:51:46.000 I was like, Jesse, tap out.
01:51:47.000 Well, Jesse's got this...
01:51:49.000 Walk away and he did.
01:51:50.000 Yeah, he did.
01:51:50.000 He left.
01:51:51.000 It was so stupid. 1.00
01:51:52.000 He's got this weird conspiracy... 1.00
01:51:53.000 Oh, and Jimmy was going, oh, so you fucking leave? 0.99
01:51:55.000 So you're gonna fucking leave? 0.99
01:51:59.000 And he's leaving! 0.99
01:52:00.000 And it's just like, oh, God, Jesse.
01:52:02.000 It looked ugly at the end, though, like he was thinking about doing something, like throwing something at him or yelling at him.
01:52:06.000 Oh, I was so hoping because Kenny was right there, and I always wanted to see Kenny in action.
01:52:10.000 You know he would just go old-school dirty cop on him.
01:52:12.000 Probably.
01:52:12.000 Well, you know, Jesse's got bad hips.
01:52:14.000 Jesse's another one of those wrestlers that had hip replacement surgery.
01:52:17.000 A lot of them have their hips replaced.
01:52:19.000 Dude, you know Hulk is like three inches shorter?
01:52:21.000 Wow. 1.00
01:52:22.000 From all those years of jumping up and landing on his ass. 1.00
01:52:26.000 He's had a bunch of spine operations, right? 1.00
01:52:27.000 Yeah, because when I saw him, I was like, this guy's not that tall, but his fucking arms were hanging down below his knees. 1.00
01:52:31.000 This guy looks like a fucking gorilla. 0.99
01:52:33.000 And then I read his... 1.00
01:52:35.000 Well, I don't know where the fuck I saw it. 0.97
01:52:36.000 It said he used to be 6'7", and now he's 6'4". 0.99
01:52:40.000 Whoa.
01:52:40.000 There's a huge difference.
01:52:41.000 6'4", he used to play college ball.
01:52:44.000 6'7".
01:52:45.000 That's three inches off of his spine.
01:52:48.000 I wonder how many he's got fused. 1.00
01:52:49.000 A lot of guys get their shit fused, man. 0.99
01:52:51.000 That's a big thing in MMA right now. 0.99
01:52:53.000 Tito Ortiz just had his neck vertebrae fused.
01:52:56.000 And there's a bunch of guys that have had their back fused.
01:52:58.000 Can he fight anymore after that?
01:53:00.000 I don't know.
01:53:01.000 I mean, it really depends on how he recovers. 0.99
01:53:03.000 But it's some serious, serious shit. 0.99
01:53:05.000 You sure it wasn't just hairspray and heels? 1.00
01:53:08.000 Or something like that with Hulk Hogan?
01:53:10.000 No, that guy's had serious back surgery.
01:53:12.000 More than one.
01:53:13.000 Who's the guy that hangs out at the comedy store all the time, or he was for a while?
01:53:17.000 Roddy Roddy Piper.
01:53:18.000 Roddy Piper.
01:53:19.000 No, he's doing stand-up now.
01:53:20.000 He's telling stories.
01:53:21.000 That's so weird.
01:53:22.000 Steve Simone's going on the road with him.
01:53:24.000 Yeah.
01:53:24.000 You know Steve Simone?
01:53:26.000 Uh-oh. 0.99
01:53:26.000 Steve Simone's a comic out of the comedy store who's a huge fucking wrestling fan. 0.99
01:53:31.000 Huge. 0.99
01:53:31.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 0.99
01:53:32.000 Okay.
01:53:32.000 Really good guy, too.
01:53:34.000 Really good guy.
01:53:34.000 And he goes on the road with Roddy Roddy Piper and does a little stand-up.
01:53:38.000 Then Roddy Roddy tells his story.
01:53:40.000 Apparently, it's a hit. 0.98
01:53:42.000 Oh yeah, dude, this should really let your listeners know why I don't know shit about banking.
01:53:46.000 I actually ordered on Amazon the hard copy version of Ric Flair's autobiography. 0.89
01:53:53.000 To beat the man, you gotta be the man.
01:53:56.000 No, to be the man, you gotta beat the man. 0.99
01:53:58.000 Dude, it's just a fucking awesome book. 0.99
01:54:01.000 Dude, Ric Flair... 0.99
01:54:02.000 Have you ever watched his clips?
01:54:03.000 Yeah, yeah, I've seen his clips. 0.99
01:54:05.000 One of the funniest fucking dudes ever. 0.99
01:54:06.000 Great showman. 0.98
01:54:07.000 Yeah, and he's just like a comedian where they say, do you have writers...
01:54:10.000 You know, people write this, and he goes, writers? 0.97
01:54:12.000 He goes, dude, I used to come up with half that shit on the cab ride over from the airport. 0.99
01:54:16.000 I'm like, that's just like a comedian. 0.99
01:54:17.000 He's just sitting there.
01:54:18.000 Exactly.
01:54:19.000 He just gets loose. 1.00
01:54:20.000 He sees something, and he just says, fuck this. 1.00
01:54:22.000 Dude, he's got a couple where he's so into it, like you think he's going to pass out. 0.99
01:54:26.000 And when he's yelling at people in the veins, the way his eyes bulge out, he's got one where he keeps going, I inherit it, and his voice keeps cracking.
01:54:33.000 He's screaming, so I inherit it! 0.55
01:54:35.000 What are you talking about that born with a golden spoon in his mouth? 0.98
01:54:39.000 Dude, I'll be on the road, depressed, like, oh my god, I hate this, and I'll just start watching Ric Flair videos, and I'll just start laughing my fucking ass off going, this is what it's about! 0.98
01:54:48.000 This is why you do it! 1.00
01:54:49.000 That guy, he's the shit! 1.00
01:54:51.000 Ric Flair is fucking awesome. 1.00
01:54:53.000 My favorite wrestling video is that John Stossel video where John Stossel's talking to... 0.92
01:54:57.000 I don't remember what the wrestler was.
01:54:58.000 Telling him about, you know, that what you do is fake. 1.00
01:55:01.000 And he fucking slaps him in the head like full blast. 1.00
01:55:04.000 Slaps him in his ear and drops him. 1.00
01:55:05.000 He goes, is that fake?
01:55:06.000 Does that feel fake?
01:55:08.000 You telling me what's fake?
01:55:09.000 And he gets up.
01:55:09.000 Bam!
01:55:10.000 He slaps him in the other ear and drops him again.
01:55:12.000 And he gets up and runs out of there.
01:55:13.000 What was the one that was like...
01:55:15.000 Was it Mr. T or something like that where he goes crazy?
01:55:18.000 It was like a live show.
01:55:20.000 And he starts smacking or getting angry and freaking out.
01:55:23.000 What wrestler was that?
01:55:24.000 I think Mr. T was on it.
01:55:25.000 I think you're talking about Hulk Hogan choking out Richard Bowser.
01:55:28.000 Yeah.
01:55:29.000 Put Richard Bowser to sleep.
01:55:30.000 Yeah, that's what...
01:55:31.000 Richard Bowser fell and bonked his head.
01:55:33.000 Choked him out.
01:55:34.000 I gotta see that video.
01:55:35.000 Oh, I'm sure it's online.
01:55:36.000 How did I miss that?
01:55:37.000 Yeah, I'm sure it's online.
01:55:38.000 In this day and age, it would be a travesty if that wasn't available.
01:55:40.000 That's a typical wise-ass comedian. 1.00
01:55:41.000 I heard what you do is bullshit. 0.99
01:55:43.000 Yeah, you gotta be nice to those guys. 1.00
01:55:45.000 You can't disrespect them.
01:55:46.000 Plus, they're on gallons of juice, you know?
01:55:49.000 Oh, yeah.
01:55:50.000 I mean, come on.
01:55:50.000 They get the sicknesses, they say.
01:55:51.000 To get that big, you know, that Chris Benoit guy that wound up killing his whole family, juice to the gills. 0.93
01:55:58.000 Yeah, but that's also another thing, too, is a lot of getting on, like, pain meds, because those guys did, like, they guys were working, like, seven Seven nights of fucking week.
01:56:04.000 That's the thing about guys who fight in the UFC. Like, Brock says that pro wrestling is way harder than being the UFC heavyweight champion.
01:56:12.000 How about that?
01:56:13.000 Is that the video?
01:56:14.000 I'm sorry.
01:56:15.000 I'm going to watch a young... 0.87
01:56:18.000 Richard Belzer from back in the day.
01:56:20.000 If you just Google it, you could find it on Google.
01:56:22.000 They didn't work this out, did they?
01:56:25.000 No, I don't think so.
01:56:26.000 This isn't like a bit?
01:56:27.000 I don't think so.
01:56:29.000 Oh, here we go.
01:56:29.000 And Hulk Hogan.
01:56:36.000 Oh, he got him in a guillotine.
01:56:40.000 He put him to sleep.
01:56:43.000 Oh, he went out.
01:56:44.000 Look at that.
01:56:46.000 He's all right.
01:56:47.000 He's just sleeping.
01:56:48.000 He's sleeping.
01:56:49.000 Really?
01:56:50.000 I was asleep. 0.99
01:56:52.000 Yeah, I mean, that's pretty fucked up. 0.99
01:56:54.000 I mean, he really was out cold. 1.00
01:56:57.000 That's no bullshit. 0.99
01:56:58.000 And he just let him fall to the ground. 0.99
01:57:00.000 Like, head hits the...
01:57:01.000 I put a guy to sleep on a radio show once.
01:57:05.000 No, no, no. 1.00
01:57:06.000 He was just fucking around. 0.99
01:57:07.000 No. 0.99
01:57:08.000 No, no, he wasn't.
01:57:09.000 Watch him exit.
01:57:09.000 He wasn't.
01:57:10.000 You see the way he fell, dude?
01:57:12.000 He fell and slammed his head off the ground.
01:57:14.000 He was totally out cold.
01:57:15.000 Oh, he was trying to...
01:57:16.000 Yeah, he was trying to cover for it.
01:57:18.000 Anyway, that's a famous one.
01:57:21.000 In the lead up to that, it was like Hulk Hogan was getting really pissed off at him.
01:57:27.000 The whole time.
01:57:28.000 There was like seven minutes up to that or six minutes up to that. 0.81
01:57:32.000 He was being a smartass and just pissing the Hulk off.
01:57:35.000 Wow, why would you do that? 0.97
01:57:36.000 Even if what they did was really fake?
01:57:40.000 Obviously, they predetermined the victor and stuff. 0.99
01:57:42.000 When somebody fucking slams you down the back, it hurts. 0.98
01:57:45.000 Yeah, you gotta be conscious of who you're talking to. 1.00
01:57:48.000 Those guys are savages. 1.00
01:57:49.000 Even though they might not be actually fighting for a living, they will fuck you. 1.00
01:57:55.000 They'll beat the shit out of you if they want to. 1.00
01:57:57.000 You better be nice. 0.98
01:57:58.000 They live in a wild world, too.
01:57:59.000 A wild world of sweaty men that you hoist through the air and slam on their back.
01:58:04.000 Their idea of what's acceptable danger and punishment that you take with your body is not what most people's is.
01:58:10.000 For them, it's like, oh, he just fell asleep.
01:58:12.000 If Belzer was covering, that was pretty good.
01:58:14.000 No, he wasn't covering.
01:58:15.000 He went out.
01:58:15.000 I'm just saying, I think he was, because the lead-up was...
01:58:19.000 Trust me, that guy went out.
01:58:21.000 That's 100% unconscious.
01:58:22.000 No, that's what we're saying.
01:58:23.000 That's what we're saying.
01:58:23.000 He was covering up that.
01:58:24.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:58:25.000 Belzer was covering as a pro at the end.
01:58:27.000 Yeah.
01:58:27.000 Yeah, definitely.
01:58:28.000 Yeah.
01:58:29.000 Well, he went to sleep.
01:58:29.000 No doubt about it.
01:58:30.000 The way that guy squeezed is 100%.
01:58:33.000 The way his arms go limp.
01:58:34.000 How long does it take?
01:58:36.000 Two seconds.
01:58:37.000 When a guy puts a guy in a choke, there was a guy I choked out on a radio show.
01:58:41.000 There was this radio show.
01:58:42.000 He was like a PA. And they had him do little stunts and stuff.
01:58:47.000 And if he couldn't do it, then they would punish him.
01:58:49.000 There was like this gag they used to do.
01:58:51.000 It was in Boston.
01:58:52.000 So they had this dude dress up as a cow. 0.99
01:58:54.000 And he had to fucking try to jump over a chair on rollerblades. 0.99
01:58:58.000 And he couldn't make it over the chair. 0.99
01:58:59.000 He falls and crashes.
01:59:01.000 And they get him upstairs.
01:59:02.000 And they go, okay, now your punishment is going to be Joe Rogan has to choke you unconscious.
01:59:06.000 I go, what?
01:59:07.000 And he goes, okay, I'll do it.
01:59:09.000 I go, you really?
01:59:10.000 You sure about this?
01:59:11.000 And he goes, yeah.
01:59:11.000 I go, you sure?
01:59:12.000 And he goes, yeah.
01:59:13.000 I go, alright.
01:59:14.000 So I go, if you just, when you can't take it, just tap out.
01:59:17.000 And I lock the choke on him, squeeze on, and he goes to tap, and he's already unconscious. 0.98
01:59:22.000 And I let him go, thinking that he tapped, and he falls and fucking face plants on the carpet. 0.98
01:59:26.000 He boxed his head off the carpet. 0.99
01:59:28.000 He only fell a couple inches, but he was unconscious immediately.
01:59:31.000 If you just let someone squeeze your neck, he'd go out pretty quick.
01:59:35.000 You know, that became the thing to do for like maybe a week and a half when I was in seventh grade.
01:59:40.000 We didn't understand what we were doing, but somebody came up with it.
01:59:43.000 Choking?
01:59:43.000 No, what you do is you would just basically grab two handfuls of somebody's neck on each side.
01:59:49.000 Oh my god.
01:59:49.000 You're grabbing their jugular.
01:59:51.000 But the thing about it was...
01:59:52.000 Grabbing it like this?
01:59:53.000 Yeah, we didn't know what we were doing.
01:59:55.000 Oh my god.
01:59:55.000 We didn't know what we were doing, so some people were just grabbing like, you know, neck muscle.
01:59:59.000 They were back here, but occasionally people would grab them right. 1.00
02:00:05.000 Just this dumb shit. 0.99
02:00:07.000 Yeah, and the final one happened was someone did it correctly, and the dude did the same thing. 1.00
02:00:10.000 He fell straight forward, and then there was announcements at the end of the day. 0.97
02:00:17.000 And there's been a fad around the school to be grabbing your classmates' necks, this whole fucking thing about... 0.99
02:00:25.000 It's very dangerous. 1.00
02:00:26.000 You're depriving oxygen to the temporal lobe and all this fucking bullshit. 1.00
02:00:29.000 It's just basically, could you please stop choking each other? 1.00
02:00:31.000 I wonder how many kids today are practicing MMA moves on their friends at school.
02:00:35.000 You know, you watch The Ultimate Fighter or something like that.
02:00:37.000 You see what he's getting?
02:00:37.000 He got him in Kimura.
02:00:38.000 Let me show you.
02:00:38.000 Give me your arm.
02:00:39.000 Yeah.
02:00:40.000 Dude, the first time I ever threw it on my back was in fourth grade.
02:00:43.000 I let this kid put me in the figure four leg lock.
02:00:45.000 I swear to God.
02:00:47.000 Because I was also on a bleep.
02:00:49.000 Well, it's not real.
02:00:49.000 It doesn't hurt.
02:00:50.000 And it was killing me.
02:00:51.000 So I was leaning up to try to take his leg off.
02:00:55.000 It's the first time I felt lower back pain.
02:00:57.000 Fourth grade.
02:00:58.000 Wow.
02:00:58.000 So you jacked your back in the fourth grade?
02:01:00.000 Fourth grade. 1.00
02:01:00.000 It's been fucking with you ever since? 1.00
02:01:01.000 Fucking crazy. 1.00
02:01:03.000 Well, it didn't fuck with me until football a few years later. 1.00
02:01:06.000 Unorganized, of course, because I never had the grades. 0.97
02:01:08.000 But that's when it really got bad.
02:01:12.000 Yeah, first back pain I ever had.
02:01:13.000 Sigh.
02:01:14.000 What do you think about those people that say that back pain is all psychological? 1.00
02:01:18.000 That's bullshit. 1.00
02:01:19.000 Are you serious? 1.00
02:01:19.000 There's people that actually say that? 1.00
02:01:20.000 Oh yeah, that John Sarto guy.
02:01:22.000 He's got books on it.
02:01:23.000 I think there are a lot of people that have psychological back pain.
02:01:26.000 Oh, absolutely.
02:01:27.000 It exists.
02:01:27.000 But there's a lot of injuries too.
02:01:29.000 Yeah, it exists, but it doesn't mean that it's All.
02:01:32.000 This guy, I don't know if he says all of them, but I think he attributes a lot of them.
02:01:36.000 He's talking about how people, even if they have injuries, the injuries don't really hurt nearly as much as you think they do.
02:01:40.000 It's all psychosomatic.
02:01:41.000 I agree with that. 1.00
02:01:42.000 He's basically saying we're a bunch of pussies. 1.00
02:01:43.000 Bunch of pussies. 1.00
02:01:44.000 Bunch of pussies and the idea is that the injuries distract you from other stress. 1.00
02:01:50.000 I'm a firm believer of stretching, yoga, any of that type of shit. 0.99
02:01:55.000 Because I don't know what happens when you get older, but even just sleeping, the amount more that your tendons or whatever shrivel up... 0.93
02:02:03.000 Like, dude, if you ever saw me hobble to the bathroom in the morning, you would think that I played like five years of professional ball or something.
02:02:09.000 I don't know what's going on with me.
02:02:10.000 But if I stretch before...
02:02:12.000 I go to bed or something like that, I'm way better.
02:02:15.000 Really? 0.99
02:02:16.000 Yeah, like my foot is fucking jacked. 0.99
02:02:19.000 It's an old injury I had from playing drums, and it's a real hard fucking... 0.99
02:02:24.000 You got a drum injury? 0.99
02:02:25.000 Yeah.
02:02:26.000 You'd be surprised. 0.96
02:02:27.000 Some other drummers, one of the planters, fish a lot, I don't know what the fuck they call it, but it was from... 0.96
02:02:31.000 I had poor technique. 0.88
02:02:34.000 And I was trying to do this bass drum lick, this thing that John Bonham did in this song, Good Times, Bad Times.
02:02:39.000 These really quick 16th note triplets.
02:02:43.000 I'm sure you heard that in the fight game.
02:02:44.000 And I had bad technique, what I was doing, and I fucked up the arch of it.
02:02:49.000 And it literally felt like, as I was walking down the street, someone was, like I was stepping on nails. 0.60
02:02:53.000 Wow.
02:02:53.000 And I didn't know what to do.
02:02:55.000 Typical Irish guy. 1.00
02:02:56.000 I just thought, well, just fucking stick it in the air for a minute and it'll be fine. 0.99
02:02:59.000 And I toughed it. 0.99
02:03:00.000 I finally had to go.
02:03:01.000 There's literally, you gotta like take a...
02:03:03.000 Bottle water.
02:03:04.000 Freeze it in the fridge.
02:03:06.000 Right, and step on it.
02:03:07.000 And then just sit there rolling it on the bottom of your foot.
02:03:09.000 Anti-inflammatories.
02:03:10.000 Then you gotta rest it up.
02:03:11.000 So what is the actual injury?
02:03:13.000 Is it a tendon?
02:03:14.000 What is it? 0.99
02:03:14.000 I don't fucking know. 0.99
02:03:15.000 It's a carpal tunnel for drummers. 0.99
02:03:17.000 I always stop and think about it.
02:03:19.000 If I lived just 100 years ago, or even less, I would be useless.
02:03:23.000 My body's been screwed back together so many different times.
02:03:26.000 I've had three...
02:03:27.000 Pretty significant knee surgeries.
02:03:29.000 Two reconstructions, both knees.
02:03:31.000 I've had the ACLs replaced.
02:03:32.000 This one I had my meniscus done.
02:03:34.000 I had my nose fixed.
02:03:35.000 My nose was broken. 1.00
02:03:37.000 Who knows how many fucking times. 0.99
02:03:39.000 So I had to scoop out all the shit out of my nose and the deviated septum repair. 0.99
02:03:43.000 I stop and think about it. 1.00
02:03:44.000 If modern science wasn't around, modern medicine, I'd be fucked. 1.00
02:03:47.000 You'd be an ogre. 1.00
02:03:48.000 You'd be living under a bridge. 1.00
02:03:50.000 I'd be a cripple. 0.93
02:03:51.000 I wouldn't be able to do anything without fear of my legs giving out and popping out and falling to the ground in agony.
02:03:57.000 You know, that's just what people did back in the day.
02:03:59.000 Well, I would have been dead.
02:04:00.000 My appendix ruptured in the sixth grade.
02:04:02.000 That would have been it.
02:04:02.000 That would have been a wrap.
02:04:03.000 Wow.
02:04:03.000 I would have been one of those kids.
02:04:04.000 What happens when your appendix ruptures?
02:04:06.000 What happens?
02:04:07.000 Your parents just tell you to go take a nap and they don't believe you for three days.
02:04:12.000 And then finally they take you down there and you almost die.
02:04:16.000 Yeah.
02:04:17.000 Wow. 0.57
02:04:18.000 I always trash my parents for that one.
02:04:20.000 They just didn't believe you.
02:04:22.000 No, I don't know.
02:04:23.000 My brother's convinced I was playing baseball and that's when it happened.
02:04:25.000 I don't even remember.
02:04:26.000 I just kept having, like, side pain and then the next day I would feel fine.
02:04:31.000 Then I'd have a fever and then I would feel fine.
02:04:33.000 And then one day, I guess it just burst.
02:04:36.000 Isn't it crazy that what your appendix is is an organ that you don't use anymore because it's used to process raw meat?
02:04:42.000 Yeah.
02:04:43.000 I thought it was for bone.
02:04:43.000 It's an organ that we've evolved past.
02:04:45.000 It's for bone.
02:04:45.000 Breaking down bone.
02:04:46.000 Is your intestines or an organ?
02:04:49.000 I thought your organ is like a liver, pancreas. 1.00
02:04:50.000 Google that shit, son. 1.00
02:04:51.000 Google intestines. 1.00
02:04:52.000 Find out what the fuck it is. 0.99
02:04:53.000 I'm pretty sure that what an appendix is is an organ that we used to use when we processed meat. 0.99
02:05:02.000 We processed much more raw meat.
02:05:05.000 I thought it was when we ate leaves.
02:05:07.000 I thought it was bone.
02:05:09.000 Jesus, look at us.
02:05:10.000 Between the three of us.
02:05:11.000 Between the three of us. 0.99
02:05:13.000 Yeah, we don't have a fucking clue. 0.98
02:05:14.000 It's something that we're evolving. 0.98
02:05:17.000 You know, we're evolving so we don't use it anymore.
02:05:20.000 Which is pretty fascinating when you think about it.
02:05:22.000 It's actually, I mean, it couldn't have been that long ago.
02:05:24.000 It's like clear evidence that the human body is adapting to its environment. 0.99
02:05:28.000 You know, we literally don't use this fucking organ anymore and sometimes it blows up in your body. 0.99
02:05:34.000 You know? 1.00
02:05:35.000 I mean, that's what it does, right? 0.98
02:05:36.000 Just fucking, it's like, why am I here? 1.00
02:05:38.000 Suicide bombs. 1.00
02:05:39.000 I would have died of that. 0.74
02:05:40.000 There's a couple things I would have died of.
02:05:42.000 I broke my arm when I was six.
02:05:44.000 I got hit by a car.
02:05:45.000 If it was the 1800s, I would have died by getting hit by that car in the 1800s.
02:05:50.000 How'd you get hit by a car?
02:05:52.000 I didn't look.
02:05:52.000 I was racing my brother home, and he had stronger legs than I did, so I figured if I crossed...
02:05:58.000 Sure, I looked.
02:06:00.000 And I just do right out in front of a Jeep.
02:06:02.000 I wish I had video because I still don't know how I didn't get run over.
02:06:05.000 All I remember was being upside down and feeling the heat of the engine and seeing the bumper.
02:06:10.000 Oh, my God.
02:06:11.000 And then the next thing I remember, I was lying perpendicular to the double lines.
02:06:17.000 I was only out for a second, just like Belzer when he got choked out.
02:06:20.000 I was only out for a second because when I came to...
02:06:24.000 The biggest dude you ever saw in your life gets out of this Jeep.
02:06:28.000 He probably had nightmares because of the way I just rode out in front of him.
02:06:32.000 He got out already crying, going, Oh my God, I hit him! 0.99
02:06:37.000 And all I could think was my dad's gonna fucking kill me and I got up and I ran. 0.98
02:06:42.000 The only thing that fucking happened, the only thing that other than I got knocked out was, you know that thing here if you bite down on your back teeth, that thing that goes in and out on the side of your head? 0.99
02:06:52.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:06:53.000 That's right where I got hurt so I had to eat with a little spoon.
02:06:56.000 For a couple of days.
02:06:57.000 I remember it happened on a Wednesday because the doctor says you don't have to go to school for the rest of the week and I was psyched. 0.60
02:07:02.000 I finally didn't have to fake school and I had fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. 0.55
02:07:06.000 It was totally worth it. 0.94
02:07:08.000 It's one of the reasons why I stopped fighting is because when I was kickboxing there was many nights where I couldn't chew my food.
02:07:13.000 I'd come home and I literally couldn't chew.
02:07:15.000 Oh, because from getting hit on the side of the head?
02:07:17.000 Yeah.
02:07:17.000 And I would get headaches.
02:07:18.000 I'd lay in bed at night and get fucking vicious headaches. 0.94
02:07:21.000 That was not fun. 0.98
02:07:22.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00
02:07:22.000 That was scary shit. 1.00
02:07:23.000 But I'd be chewing food. 1.00
02:07:24.000 I'd be chewing food going... 1.00
02:07:25.000 You know, you get kicked in the fucking jaw. 1.00
02:07:29.000 That's not fun. 1.00
02:07:31.000 You know, you get kicked or punched in the head, like really blasted. 0.94
02:07:33.000 Oh, yeah. 0.85
02:07:34.000 Your jaw just gets...
02:07:35.000 Dude, I fought right up until fifth grade.
02:07:37.000 And then I went from being one of the bigger kids to one of the smaller kids.
02:07:41.000 And then also, kids started getting to be like a buck twenty and kind of knowing how to throw a punch.
02:07:47.000 That's scary.
02:07:49.000 Oh yeah, dude.
02:07:50.000 I totally became a coward.
02:07:51.000 I became funny.
02:07:52.000 I knew a bunch of dudes who had brain damage.
02:07:54.000 I knew a bunch of dudes from boxing gyms that had brain damage.
02:07:58.000 Wasn't too significant, but it was enough that you could see it.
02:08:00.000 And I'd seen guys from, you know, when I started, when I was 15, and I'd seen how they evolved, you know, how they developed brain damage up until, you know, when I was like 21, when I stopped fighting, 21 or 22. I got to see the deterioration.
02:08:12.000 That's some scary shit. 0.99
02:08:14.000 What's his face? 1.00
02:08:14.000 You know who saved me? 1.00
02:08:15.000 I wanted to get in shape when I was living in New York, so I started going to Gleason's gym, but I just did it like total actor.
02:08:22.000 I just wanted to get shredded. 0.98
02:08:23.000 They were calling me like Billery Swank and shit. 0.98
02:08:26.000 Did I tell you about this? 0.98
02:08:26.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:08:27.000 Giving me shit. 1.00
02:08:27.000 So Charlie Murphy fucking gave me great advice because I told him I was starting to go over there because he's all into that martial arts shit. 1.00
02:08:35.000 And he just called me and said, Hey, yo, Bill, let me tell you something. 0.99
02:08:38.000 And he totally fucking broke it down. 0.65
02:08:40.000 He's like, You're going to be over there. 0.99
02:08:41.000 He literally broke down because you're going to be over there for like fucking maybe a month, month and a half and somebody's going to come up to you and tell you That you look like you're decent. 0.89
02:08:53.000 And they're basically going to try to talk you into getting into the ring because they need fresh meat. 0.92
02:08:57.000 And he goes, do not go in there under any circumstances.
02:09:01.000 I'm like, whatever, Charlie. 1.00
02:09:02.000 You're always preaching this apocalyptic shit. 1.00
02:09:04.000 Dude, literally clockwork. 1.00
02:09:05.000 Six weeks over there, this fucking black dude shredded comes up to me. 1.00
02:09:09.000 Hey, man, you're a comedian? 1.00
02:09:11.000 Man, you don't look like a comedian.
02:09:12.000 You got a nice jab or whatever.
02:09:13.000 You know, we want to spar a few rounds?
02:09:15.000 I almost started laughing. 1.00
02:09:17.000 It was so exactly what the fuck he said. 1.00
02:09:20.000 I was like, get the fuck. 1.00
02:09:22.000 Six weeks in, a comedian, this fucking guy's been fighting for like 10 years. 1.00
02:09:27.000 Yeah, he wants to beat you up. 1.00
02:09:28.000 He wanted to try this shit that he didn't have the balls to try against a professional. 1.00
02:09:32.000 He was going to try some new... 1.00
02:09:34.000 I don't know.
02:09:35.000 Superman hook?
02:09:36.000 Is that a punch? 0.99
02:09:36.000 I don't know what the fuck it was. 0.99
02:09:37.000 He wanted to try it on my big Charlie Brown head. 0.99
02:09:38.000 Dudes do look for easy guys to spar with. 1.00
02:09:41.000 They look to beat guys up to improve their confidence and try their techniques on. 0.98
02:09:45.000 Nobody wants to spar with a guy that's going to beat the fuck out of you. 0.96
02:09:47.000 You want to spar with a guy who's going to just kind of barely put up a fight and you're going to be able to tee off on him.
02:09:52.000 It's like glorified padwork.
02:09:54.000 There you go.
02:09:54.000 That's basically what Charlie told me.
02:09:56.000 That's true.
02:09:56.000 Charlie Murphy gave you some good advice.
02:09:58.000 Great advice.
02:09:59.000 He laughed his ass off when I told him that. 1.00
02:10:01.000 Because he just started thinking about my big stupid Charlie Brown head getting battered around the ring. 1.00
02:10:07.000 Boxing gyms are notorious for that shit. 1.00
02:10:09.000 See, when that happens in jiu-jitsu, it's really no big deal. 0.99
02:10:11.000 I remember when I first started doing jiu-jitsu, I started rolling with guys who were really good and just getting humiliated, getting strangled.
02:10:18.000 There was this one purple belt kid. 0.98
02:10:20.000 I was a white belt, and I was on news radio, and I was just starting out, and there was this purple belt kid, this Brazilian kid who was badass, and he used to fucking rape me every day. 1.00
02:10:28.000 I would be terrified to have to fucking roll with this kid because he was really good, and I was terrible. 0.99
02:10:33.000 And every time I'd roll with him, this motherfucker would mount me and choke me and armbar me. 0.99
02:10:37.000 He would tap me three, four times, and I was exhausted. 1.00
02:10:40.000 Just over and over and over again, he would tap me.
02:10:42.000 But it didn't hurt me, you know what I'm saying?
02:10:44.000 But what was the level of frustration coming from being a national champion in Taekwondo?
02:10:48.000 Very frustrating.
02:10:49.000 Well, it was eye-opening.
02:10:51.000 Well, one of the reasons why I stopped doing Taekwondo is because Taekwondo, you don't punch to the head in the tournaments.
02:10:55.000 And I started kickboxing.
02:10:56.000 I started working with...
02:10:57.000 There was a guy named Joe Lake who was a boxing coach in Boston, and he was training at the same gym that I was at, and he was offering me to teach me boxing if I would teach him how to kick.
02:11:06.000 And so we sort of made this little deal and we worked back and forth with each other.
02:11:09.000 And I started boxing.
02:11:10.000 And as I started boxing, I realized how bad my hands were from Taekwondo. 0.99
02:11:14.000 And then I'm like, I've wasted all my time doing this Taekwondo shit. 0.98
02:11:16.000 But then when I go box with guys and kickbox, I'm fucking terrible with my hands. 0.97
02:11:20.000 So I started getting really good with my hands and working on it.
02:11:22.000 So I'd already been enlightened to the fact that my original path was not the best path in the world.
02:11:27.000 And one of the reasons why I stopped fighting, I stopped fighting in Taekwondo tournaments because I realized how silly it was, how easy it was for people to punch me in the face and how many techniques didn't work once you added punching. 0.98
02:11:36.000 Then when the Ultimate Fighting Championship came along, I realized like, oh, well look what this fucking guy does. 0.96
02:11:41.000 He just, you know, hoist Gracie, just takes guys down and strangles them. 0.99
02:11:44.000 What the fuck would I do if that guy got me? 1.00
02:11:46.000 I don't know shit. 0.99
02:11:48.000 So I started doing jujitsu, and I was just a rank beginner. 0.99
02:11:50.000 I wrestled one year in high school, so I knew how to throw bodies around a little bit, but I didn't know how to defend myself against anybody who was any good, and this kid just mangled me over and over.
02:11:59.000 But he never really hurt me.
02:12:01.000 You know, if this was kickboxing, and he did that to me, he would have given me brain damage, broke my face, knocked me out.
02:12:07.000 But this guy just choked me, and I just tapped, and he armbarred me, and I tapped. 0.71
02:12:10.000 But he's not really hurting you.
02:12:12.000 Every time he's doing this to you, you just tap.
02:12:14.000 It's just emotionally humiliation.
02:12:15.000 Devastating.
02:12:16.000 Just to know. 0.99
02:12:17.000 You don't realize, until you roll with a guy who's good, how a guy who's like that, you know, high-level purple belt, a strong guy, can just do whatever the fuck he wants to you.
02:12:26.000 Like, literally, you have no defense.
02:12:27.000 There's almost nothing you can do.
02:12:29.000 If you don't punch him and knock him unconscious as he's grabbing ahold of you, once he grabs you, you're a victim. 0.88
02:12:34.000 You're just a victim.
02:12:36.000 You know, it's almost like if you get grabbed by like a bear, like a wild animal.
02:12:40.000 It's the second they grab your button down, you're finished.
02:12:42.000 It's way worse for the bear.
02:12:43.000 You're finished.
02:12:44.000 Can you imagine what it must feel like?
02:12:45.000 There's a photo that a guy took.
02:12:47.000 He died.
02:12:48.000 He was killed by this bear.
02:12:50.000 But he got one last photograph of the female charging him.
02:12:53.000 Because he was a wildlife photographer.
02:12:55.000 It's a very famous photo.
02:12:56.000 And he was in the woods.
02:12:57.000 And as he's walking through the woods, he stumbled upon bear cubs.
02:13:00.000 And as he stumbled upon bear, it was just too late.
02:13:02.000 The female just runs at him. 1.00
02:13:03.000 A grizzly.
02:13:04.000 And he got a photo of her.
02:13:06.000 Lips curled, teeth bared, roaring and looking at him with dead eyes.
02:13:11.000 And that was his last photo that he ever took. 0.99
02:13:13.000 It's a fucking intense photo. 0.99
02:13:14.000 If you find it online, anybody who finds it online, Twitter that shit to me because I lost it. 0.99
02:13:19.000 I had it online. 0.95
02:13:19.000 I was showing it to somebody and then I cannot find it anymore. 0.95
02:13:21.000 I don't know if it was pulled or what.
02:13:24.000 Jesus.
02:13:25.000 You know when I was in Colorado, my dog got eaten by a mountain lion.
02:13:27.000 Oh yeah.
02:13:28.000 I know.
02:13:29.000 I've been keeping up on you.
02:13:32.000 Just so you know we're at 2 hour and 20 minutes.
02:13:34.000 I know where we are.
02:13:35.000 We should probably end this.
02:13:36.000 Nobody wants us to do a 2 hour and 20 minute podcast.
02:13:39.000 By the way, you have a podcast we should talk about. 0.99
02:13:41.000 First of all, Bill Burr does not have fucking Twitter. 0.99
02:13:44.000 So we got him a goddamn Twitter account. 1.00
02:13:47.000 Bill, you gotta have to use this. 1.00
02:13:48.000 I'm not gonna use that shit. 0.99
02:13:48.000 It helps you promote gigs. 0.99
02:13:50.000 It's the best thing for a comic to use right now.
02:13:52.000 It's so easy to promote gigs.
02:13:54.000 I would have known that you had a podcast if I heard it.
02:13:58.000 Don't you know that that's by design?
02:14:00.000 My podcast, I don't hype it.
02:14:03.000 I don't hype it.
02:14:04.000 My podcast, I totally, I do it for fun.
02:14:07.000 And it's, I go, I'm way dirtier.
02:14:10.000 I'm way dirtier. 0.54
02:14:11.000 Yeah, but people don't know. 0.99
02:14:12.000 But you guys, you fucking know me. 0.99
02:14:14.000 You know me. 0.99
02:14:15.000 You didn't even know I had one.
02:14:16.000 I knew you had one.
02:14:17.000 I didn't know you had one.
02:14:18.000 I remember it from your MySpace page.
02:14:19.000 You think that you knew that I had one, but you didn't.
02:14:22.000 I remember you used to do it with a phone.
02:14:24.000 You used to do it with a phone.
02:14:25.000 I do. 1.00
02:14:26.000 Yeah, but I just don't give a fuck. 0.99
02:14:28.000 How do you do it now? 0.99
02:14:29.000 Do you sit down with a microphone now and just rant?
02:14:31.000 How do you do it now?
02:14:32.000 It's the same thing. 0.99
02:14:33.000 Yeah, people send me questions and then I just go off on shit. 0.98
02:14:36.000 So now you don't do it on a phone? 0.97
02:14:38.000 You don't do that anymore?
02:14:39.000 No, I haven't done it on a phone now for about a year.
02:14:42.000 Oh, what are those voicemail things?
02:14:43.000 A year and a half.
02:14:44.000 Oh yeah, when I used to call up GCAS. That was a lot of fun though because I could be in airports making fun of fucking the creeps at Cinnabon and all that and people really liked that. 0.77
02:14:54.000 How come you don't have a fucking Twitter account? 0.99
02:14:57.000 Dude, I just got on Facebook. 1.00
02:14:59.000 Facebook's good, but Twitter's great for promoting gigs.
02:15:02.000 I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday.
02:15:05.000 There's nothing wrong with that.
02:15:07.000 I got a gig at the Punchline in Atlanta this Sunday.
02:15:09.000 I just booked it because I'm going to be in Atlanta on Monday and I had a fly-in Sunday afternoon. 0.99
02:15:14.000 So I said, well, I'll just do a fucking show there. 0.98
02:15:15.000 So I just started promoting it. 1.00
02:15:18.000 I started promoting it on fucking Twitter. 0.99
02:15:19.000 I just threw it up on Twitter. 0.99
02:15:20.000 I'm going to let people know.
02:15:21.000 So then people start retweeting it and letting people know. 0.96
02:15:24.000 It's almost fucking sold out. 0.82
02:15:25.000 That's all you have to do. 0.98
02:15:26.000 Yeah, but you're also Joe Rogan.
02:15:28.000 Yeah, but I mean it helps.
02:15:28.000 You're on television.
02:15:29.000 But people know who you are.
02:15:30.000 It helps.
02:15:31.000 You're a celebrity.
02:15:31.000 You're a celebrity too.
02:15:33.000 When I told people that you were coming on the podcast, people got all fucking excited and fired up on Twitter. 0.67
02:15:37.000 What, seven of them? 0.62
02:15:37.000 No, a bunch of them on Twitter. 0.62
02:15:39.000 I'll show you some.
02:15:39.000 You know something.
02:15:40.000 Are you against filling seats?
02:15:41.000 Bill Burr.
02:15:42.000 I'm against this fuzzy math.
02:15:45.000 Look, I'll show you.
02:15:46.000 There's a lot of people in here that were talking about Bill Burr.
02:15:49.000 There's a lot of people.
02:15:50.000 Look at that.
02:15:51.000 I'm scrolling.
02:15:51.000 I can't find Bill Burr on Twitter.
02:15:53.000 Right there.
02:15:54.000 Bam.
02:15:54.000 It's Bill Burr on Twitter.
02:15:55.000 People are trying to find you on Twitter.
02:15:58.000 And that's what you do.
02:15:59.000 You leave them wanting more, Joe. 1.00
02:16:02.000 Look, you know how much it's a pain in the ass to do all that shit. 1.00
02:16:06.000 It's so easy. 1.00
02:16:07.000 Do you have an iPhone?
02:16:08.000 What do you have?
02:16:08.000 Blackberry?
02:16:09.000 I fucking Twitter every week on my fucking podcast for an hour, and you can listen to it. 0.99
02:16:13.000 But that's not Twitter. 0.99
02:16:13.000 It's on iTunes. 0.99
02:16:15.000 It's not the same thing.
02:16:15.000 Twitter is like a text message that you send to all your fans.
02:16:18.000 So I've got 130-something thousand people on my Twitter.
02:16:22.000 Oh, quit showing off. 1.00
02:16:22.000 We already know you're a fucking black belt. 1.00
02:16:24.000 I'm a baller, son. 1.00
02:16:24.000 I know. 1.00
02:16:25.000 131,785.
02:16:26.000 So that is 131,000 people that I can get in contact with.
02:16:30.000 Pretty much instantly.
02:16:31.000 I mean, if they pay attention to their Twitter.
02:16:33.000 You know, all you have to do is your Twitter. 0.99
02:16:34.000 Hey, I'm going to be in fucking Newport Beach. 1.00
02:16:36.000 Bam! 0.99
02:16:36.000 And then you can get people to come to your shows. 0.99
02:16:38.000 It's so much easier.
02:16:39.000 It's so much easier than going on a radio show and getting up in the morning. 0.98
02:16:42.000 You know, you could fucking get things done with your Twitter. 0.87
02:16:43.000 Yeah, you know what I am always like? 1.00
02:16:44.000 I always like the old school way of doing shit. 0.99
02:16:46.000 I always think it's better. 0.99
02:16:48.000 I don't know why.
02:16:49.000 You're an old school sort of a guy, Bill Burr.
02:16:51.000 I'm a romantic.
02:16:52.000 You are a romantic.
02:16:53.000 And with that note, ladies and gentlemen...
02:16:54.000 By the way, Joe, that Burr photo is fake.
02:16:57.000 I'll get on Twitter, though.
02:16:58.000 It's fake?
02:16:58.000 Yeah.
02:16:59.000 Which one is fake?
02:17:00.000 The one with the dead body?
02:17:01.000 Oh, I don't know.
02:17:02.000 You're talking about...
02:17:03.000 Oh, no, no, no.
02:17:04.000 That's a different one?
02:17:04.000 Yeah, that is fake.
02:17:06.000 The other one is in the woods.
02:17:07.000 I will start tweeting.
02:17:07.000 It's a black and white photo.
02:17:08.000 That's what it was.
02:17:09.000 That tweeting. 0.98
02:17:10.000 That just sounded gay. 0.99
02:17:11.000 Tweeting. 0.98
02:17:12.000 Tweet.
02:17:12.000 Yeah, but say it, Joe.
02:17:14.000 Just say, yeah, I tweeted about that yesterday.
02:17:17.000 See how you looked away?
02:17:19.000 You couldn't look at me!
02:17:22.000 Bill, where are you going to be at this weekend?
02:17:24.000 Where can people see you?
02:17:24.000 I'm going to be at the Improv down on Melrose.
02:17:28.000 Hollywood Improv.
02:17:29.000 And next weekend, I'm going to be at the Orleans with Tom Papa.
02:17:33.000 Co-headlining with Tom Papa.
02:17:34.000 Last gig George Carlin ever did was at the Orleans Casino.
02:17:37.000 Wow.
02:17:38.000 In Vegas, huh?
02:17:39.000 That's a good place.
02:17:40.000 I'm going to be there.
02:17:40.000 I've been there for fights.
02:17:43.000 BillBurr.com.
02:17:44.000 B-U-R-R, BillBird.com.
02:17:45.000 And I have... 0.99
02:17:46.000 And what the fuck is... 0.99
02:17:48.000 I don't even know what it is. 0.99
02:17:49.000 I have a podcast.
02:17:50.000 If you click on the podcast link, BillBird.com slash podcast.
02:17:54.000 And you can find it on iTunes.
02:17:55.000 It's called the Monday Morning Podcast.
02:17:57.000 Yeah, the Monday... 0.99
02:17:58.000 We got him a fucking Twitter account, okay? 0.99
02:18:00.000 We're going to force him into getting Twitter. 1.00