The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #28 - Joey Diaz

00:00:01.000 Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, Joey Coco Diaz, a.k.a.

00:00:06.000 Mad Flavor.

00:00:07.000 What's happening?

00:00:07.000 Tuesday afternoon off the 101. Has joined the podcast.

00:00:11.000 That's right, baby.

00:00:12.000 Along with Brian Redban, the master blaster, Reichel.

00:00:16.000 What's up?

00:00:17.000 And ladies and gentlemen, we are still...

00:00:19.000 Sponsored by the Fleshlight. 0.99

00:00:21.000 Before we even get started, we've got to talk about the rubber vagina that we use on a weekly... 1.00

00:00:25.000 I've been using it weekly. 0.99

00:00:26.000 Weekly?

00:00:27.000 How many times a week?

00:00:28.000 Double day.

00:00:29.000 I'm opted twice a day now. 1.00

00:00:30.000 No wonder the fucking thing is falling apart. 1.00

00:00:32.000 His is falling apart. 1.00

00:00:33.000 That tropical helmet juice that's coming out of your helmet is fucking killing that stuff. 0.99

00:00:37.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:00:37.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:00:38.000 Plus he's got barnacles on his dick. 1.00

00:00:40.000 Yeah, that's what happens sometimes. 1.00

00:00:41.000 Yeah, it's from that rubber burn.

00:00:42.000 Sometimes you whack off and you leave it on your leg. 0.99

00:00:44.000 You wake up next morning, there's a big red spot like the fucking oil spill. 1.00

00:00:47.000 There's like a fucking stain. 0.99

00:00:49.000 That's when you know you got to eat more carrots or something. 1.00

00:00:51.000 You got to eat a carrot or a bowl of fucking soup. 0.99

00:00:54.000 It was like UFC 114. Everybody's feet were fucking yellow. 1.00

00:00:57.000 Did you notice that or was it me? 0.99

00:00:59.000 What?

00:00:59.000 Ew.

00:00:59.000 Everybody, when they pick up their feet, like the guard, their feet were fucking yellow.

00:01:03.000 They gotta start eating more oranges after the weigh-in, cocksuckers. 1.00

00:01:06.000 Never mind that powdered water drink. 0.98

00:01:08.000 Anyway.

00:01:09.000 Their feet are yellow?

00:01:10.000 I don't know what it was.

00:01:12.000 That's weird.

00:01:12.000 Maybe it was the weed you were smoking.

00:01:14.000 You never know.

00:01:15.000 I always look at the fighters in the eyes.

00:01:16.000 I never look at their feet.

00:01:18.000 Yeah, I'm not a big foot watcher.

00:01:18.000 I'm not looking at their feet.

00:01:19.000 I'm just saying they're wrestling.

00:01:21.000 They're in their guard.

00:01:22.000 Somebody's punching them.

00:01:23.000 Their feet are up. 1.00

00:01:23.000 And I'm like, dog, that guy's got fucking jaundice. 1.00

00:01:26.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:01:27.000 You got big foot fetish, don't you?

00:01:29.000 No, I was just thinking about it.

00:01:30.000 You often talk about feet a lot.

00:01:33.000 I don't like feet touching me.

00:01:34.000 That's why I don't go to jiu-jitsu. 0.99

00:01:35.000 If a man's foot touches me, I'll have a fucking heart attack. 0.99

00:01:38.000 I really would. 1.00

00:01:39.000 Dudes get their feet in your face in jiu-jitsu. 0.97

00:01:42.000 That's just something you have to deal with.

00:01:43.000 And you're sweaty, and their feet are sweaty, and their feet literally are on your face all the time.

00:01:48.000 Dudes always have their feet on my face. 0.99

00:01:50.000 I was watching an old fight last night.

00:01:52.000 Sometimes you get cut by dudes' toenails.

00:01:53.000 Listen, I was watching an old fight last night, and they were going for a heel hook, and I was getting grossed out.

00:01:58.000 Really?

00:01:58.000 Just watching I touch his feet?

00:02:00.000 I can never imagine grabbing Tate's foot.

00:02:03.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:02:04.000 Like getting the fucking Tate with the short nail polish and have a fucking heart attack. 1.00

00:02:08.000 So if you were going to fight in the Octagon, you'd want to wear socks? 1.00

00:02:11.000 Oh, like Chuck Liddell at Legends. 0.92

00:02:13.000 You ever see Chuck Liddell at fucking 10th Planet? 1.00

00:02:14.000 That motherfucker got combat boots, socks on. 1.00

00:02:17.000 Really? 1.00

00:02:17.000 He wears little socks. 1.00

00:02:19.000 Chuck's a fucking dude like that. 1.00

00:02:20.000 I love all that stuff. 1.00

00:02:21.000 I wonder why he wears socks.

00:02:22.000 Maybe he doesn't want to get his feet funky.

00:02:25.000 The mats at Legend, sometimes people walk on them.

00:02:28.000 I love what you guys do.

00:02:30.000 More the old place.

00:02:30.000 The new place is actually separate.

00:02:32.000 What killed me with jiu-jitsu was that they said over at the place, a lot of people show up there from work directly.

00:02:39.000 They've been working 12 hours. 1.00

00:02:40.000 They haven't washed that ass. 1.00

00:02:41.000 And they go, jiu-jitsu dog, if I catch a whiff of ass in my face from somebody else, I'm going to be pissed off, Joe. 1.00

00:02:48.000 And I can't handle it. 0.99

00:02:49.000 You couldn't handle the north-south position?

00:02:51.000 No, no. 1.00

00:02:51.000 I would fucking die. 1.00

00:02:52.000 An armpit in my face with onion in it? 1.00

00:02:54.000 I think I called it that position, smell your butt. 1.00

00:02:56.000 Oh, that's a horrible fucking position to be in. 1.00

00:02:59.000 Because that's what it is. 1.00

00:03:01.000 A guy's basically holding onto your hips and he's got his ass in your face. 1.00

00:03:04.000 And he's holding you down. 0.98

00:03:06.000 And it's a fight. 0.71

00:03:07.000 And he's allowed to punch you.

00:03:08.000 Why would you want to do this?

00:03:09.000 Seriously, man.

00:03:10.000 I get nervous when people sit next to me at McDonald's.

00:03:13.000 Like, man, there's another chair right there.

00:03:15.000 Get away from me. 0.97

00:03:16.000 And you guys are putting butts in your feet.

00:03:19.000 That's the weird thing about jiu-jitsu, too, is you go into a life-and-death struggle with some guy you just met five minutes ago.

00:03:25.000 You're like, what's up, man?

00:03:26.000 How you doing?

00:03:26.000 You want to roll?

00:03:27.000 Okay, let's roll.

00:03:27.000 You slap hands, and the next thing you know, you're trying to strangle each other.

00:03:31.000 What a great sport.

00:03:32.000 That's what's weird with that.

00:03:33.000 But everyone who does it is cool, though.

00:03:35.000 The thing is, it seems like it would be kind of a fucked up thing to do.

00:03:40.000 But the people that do it are so friendly and cool, and everyone's been tapped.

00:03:43.000 Everyone's been through the ringer.

00:03:44.000 Everyone knows what it is.

00:03:46.000 You just go out there and do it.

00:03:47.000 So even though it seems like it would be a douchey thing, it's actually very easy.

00:03:51.000 It's very fun.

00:03:53.000 You know, it seems like you'd be sweating it.

00:03:57.000 But just do it, you know?

00:03:59.000 You do it for so long.

00:04:00.000 It's just a part of your day.

00:04:01.000 Yeah, but what if you didn't know Joey Diaz and you're like, all right, you and Joey are going to do jiu-jitsu today, and I'm sorry about the air conditioner.

00:04:06.000 It's broke, and it's 120 degrees. 0.96

00:04:08.000 Oh, sometimes we have the windows open because it's hot as fuck in there. 0.96

00:04:11.000 I've dropped 80 pounds, and it's affected my stomach, which means my ball sack is three sizes bigger than the last time you did it. 0.97

00:04:18.000 The other day I stumbled upon a mirror.

00:04:19.000 So your stomach somehow was sucking your ball sack up into the pocket? 0.99

00:04:23.000 It was taking the effect and sucking the full effect of the ball sack. 0.98

00:04:27.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:04:28.000 Like it's a fucking amusement park, right? 1.00

00:04:30.000 If you've got a firecracker here, an explosion here, I'm not going to look at the fucking firecracker. 1.00

00:04:33.000 I'm going to look at the explosion. 0.98

00:04:34.000 So ever since I lost the other day, I stumbled by a mirror.

00:04:37.000 You know, sometimes you walk past the mirror and you're like, wow, what happened?

00:04:40.000 And I looked at my ball sack and I'm like, dog, if I ever have...

00:04:42.000 I could use it as a colostomy bag.

00:04:45.000 It could double. 1.00

00:04:45.000 Like, if I ever have a Brock Lesnar, fuck it. 1.00

00:04:47.000 Don't put a bag in me. 1.00

00:04:49.000 It's fucking gigantic, my balls. 1.00

00:04:51.000 And my dick's still got the size and the endurance, but the ball sack doesn't even have... 1.00

00:04:57.000 Like, I lost, like, three pounds on the ball sack, which makes the ball sack tighter. 1.00

00:05:01.000 It's fucking huge. 1.00

00:05:03.000 His balls. 1.00

00:05:04.000 I picked the dick up and pulled it out. 1.00

00:05:06.000 Joey Diaz is famous for showing his balls. 1.00

00:05:08.000 Famous for showing his balls at the comedy store, showing them on stage, just walking around, pulling them out on people, because they're ridiculous. 1.00

00:05:13.000 They really do, like, they look like oranges. 1.00

00:05:16.000 Like, oranges is in an old lady's pantyhose. 1.00

00:05:18.000 That's what it looks like. 0.99

00:05:19.000 I could not believe how different they fucking look. 1.00

00:05:21.000 They're fucking giant, man. 1.00

00:05:22.000 Why is it that comics always love to show their dicks and balls? 1.00

00:05:27.000 There's no other profession I think that you... 0.99

00:05:29.000 I didn't work at Gateway and it was like, all computer salesmen love ball showing. 0.99

00:05:33.000 Hey, look at my balls. 0.98

00:05:34.000 I was listening to Opie and Anthony the other day and Louis C.K. was on. 0.99

00:05:37.000 He was telling a story about Jay Moore.

00:05:40.000 Jay Moore was on an airplane with him once when he was really young. 1.00

00:05:43.000 And Jay Moore goes, if I pull out my dick, will you spit on it? 1.00

00:05:46.000 And he goes, from that, I fucking hated him. 1.00

00:05:49.000 I was so mad at him. 0.99

00:05:50.000 He goes, I actually like him as a person. 1.00

00:05:52.000 He goes, but it was just, you fucking fake faggot. 1.00

00:05:55.000 Put your penis away. 1.00

00:05:56.000 It was really funny. 1.00

00:05:58.000 But the fucking question's pretty funny, too. 1.00

00:06:00.000 If I pull out my dick, we spit on it. 1.00

00:06:03.000 I mean, it might have been even funnier if he just went, yeah, pull your dick out. 1.00

00:06:08.000 Why is it, though? 1.00

00:06:10.000 Comics are fucked up, man. 0.99

00:06:12.000 We want to do the inappropriate thing all the time. 1.00

00:06:15.000 That's what it is.

00:06:15.000 The way a guy becomes a comic is all your life people have been telling you, shut up, that's mean, don't say that, you're looking at it the wrong way, and get a job.

00:06:25.000 That's what everybody tells comics.

00:06:26.000 So once they become actual comics, they just can't wait to do what they're not supposed to do all the time. 0.99

00:06:31.000 They just want to pull their dick out all the time. 1.00

00:06:33.000 They want to say stupid shit. 1.00

00:06:34.000 They want to sing on the airplane. 1.00

00:06:36.000 That was weird, man.

00:06:38.000 We should talk about that.

00:06:39.000 I thought we were really going to jail.

00:06:42.000 I thought we were really going to jail.

00:06:43.000 I thought they were setting us up for a minute.

00:06:46.000 You know what's crazy?

00:06:48.000 Let's explain what happened.

00:06:49.000 We were on a plane.

00:06:50.000 We've done this twice.

00:06:51.000 We were on a plane and Joey says that he's with the band Ten Foot Screws and he would like to get on the PA. He would like to get on the PA and sing a song for everybody.

00:07:01.000 This is how high we are when we fly, okay? 0.99

00:07:05.000 I mean, he gets on the fucking PA. One, two, one, two, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

00:07:09.000 And he starts breaking into Notorious B.I.G. But with no swears, and no one knows what to do. 0.99

00:07:14.000 And there's people staring at their kids, and they're so confused.

00:07:18.000 And they announced it like, hey ladies and gentlemen, we have a short presentation by the band 10 Foot Screws.

00:07:23.000 Yeah, and they just let us do it.

00:07:24.000 And everyone on the plane was just sitting there like, what?

00:07:26.000 I shouldn't even say us, because if Joey goes to jail, I do not want to go down with you.

00:07:30.000 Ha ha ha!

00:07:30.000 I should not be saying uh.

00:07:31.000 Yeah, we were against it.

00:07:32.000 I was totally against it.

00:07:33.000 You were not against it.

00:07:35.000 You guys were just sitting there like, what is going on?

00:07:37.000 I couldn't believe you not only did it there, you did it coming back.

00:07:41.000 You did it on two different flights.

00:07:43.000 Yeah.

00:07:43.000 And these are jets.

00:07:44.000 These aren't like propeller planes.

00:07:45.000 This is after 9-11.

00:07:47.000 Remember the mother that was sitting next to us?

00:07:48.000 With the kid?

00:07:49.000 Yeah.

00:07:49.000 And the kid was laughing and smiling.

00:07:51.000 It was a church camp?

00:07:51.000 And the mom was...

00:07:52.000 Yeah, church camp.

00:07:53.000 And the girl was like 12 and she's just looking at the camera because I'm filming it.

00:07:57.000 She's looking at the camera like, hee hee hee, this is naughty.

00:07:59.000 You know, and you're rapping over PA. That poor kid was loving the chaos, wasn't she? 1.00

00:08:05.000 Post 9-11, too.

00:08:06.000 Post 9-11.

00:08:07.000 This was like, what was it, 2004 or something like that?

00:08:09.000 2005?

00:08:09.000 Yeah, you can find it online.

00:08:10.000 What was that?

00:08:11.000 Joe Show.

00:08:11.000 If you Google Joe Show, Joey Diaz Ready to Die.

00:08:14.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

00:08:15.000 Is that it? 0.97

00:08:15.000 Yeah, Joey Diaz Ready to Die. 0.97

00:08:17.000 Google it.

00:08:17.000 It's on YouTube.

00:08:18.000 That one's genius.

00:08:19.000 That's the best one.

00:08:20.000 You can also see it in Talking Monkeys in Space, your DVD that's out right now on Amazon.

00:08:24.000 Oh yeah.

00:08:25.000 Yeah, that's in the video you made, right?

00:08:27.000 Right.

00:08:27.000 It's called Talking Monkeys in Columbus.

00:08:30.000 It's one of the DVD extras. 0.99

00:08:31.000 Joey talked on the fucking PA on two planes. 0.99

00:08:35.000 Not just talked, sang songs. 1.00

00:08:38.000 And had like stewardesses clapping along and shit. 1.00

00:08:40.000 It was fucking weird. 1.00

00:08:41.000 It was weird. 0.99

00:08:42.000 That was weird that they let us after 9-11.

00:08:44.000 They just went with it.

00:08:45.000 They just went with it.

00:08:46.000 How did we even know?

00:08:47.000 How did she know?

00:08:48.000 I don't know, but it was not American Airlines.

00:08:50.000 What was it?

00:08:52.000 Oh.

00:08:52.000 The ultimate doom.

00:09:02.000 I think they should have people do shit like that more often. 0.99

00:09:05.000 Some girl got on the airplane the other day in Air Canada and sang a song. 0.99

00:09:09.000 Like some funny song about your luggage.

00:09:11.000 It was pretty funny.

00:09:13.000 And she was pretending that she was trying out for a Canadian Idol and everybody gives her a big round of applause.

00:09:17.000 I'm like, oh, come on.

00:09:18.000 Really?

00:09:18.000 Is this chick really going to sing?

00:09:19.000 And she got on the PA and had this little funny song prepared. 1.00

00:09:22.000 It was great.

00:09:22.000 It was fun.

00:09:23.000 It made it more interesting.

00:09:24.000 Yeah.

00:09:25.000 What do you mean?

00:09:25.000 Does everybody have to be quiet?

00:09:26.000 Once you shut your iPad off, it should be anything goes.

00:09:29.000 Bro, nobody breaks someone out in a flight like me. 0.99

00:09:32.000 One time we were flying, and I farted next to Joe Rogan, one of those fucking Brock Lesnar farts. 0.99

00:09:37.000 Those four-day fucking protein shakes. 0.99

00:09:40.000 The one when you were watching the Antonio Banderas thing that you kept waking up. 1.00

00:09:43.000 You couldn't know if it was a nightmare.

00:09:45.000 I was writing, too.

00:09:46.000 While I was writing, he was farting.

00:09:48.000 I put it in the blog.

00:09:49.000 His fart was so bad, I had to put it in the blog entry. 1.00

00:09:52.000 Damn. 0.99

00:09:53.000 That was the Happy Pills one. 0.99

00:09:54.000 I did not miss that because I mean...

00:09:56.000 I did not miss that.

00:09:59.000 Tate was really big and he ate protein all the time.

00:10:02.000 And he was always like a manhandler.

00:10:04.000 He'd be like, come here, bro!

00:10:06.000 And leave me alone! 1.00

00:10:07.000 And he would literally torture me with his farts. 0.99

00:10:10.000 Tate's farts were fucking 22 times worse than mine. 0.99

00:10:12.000 The best fart ever was the one at the bookstore in Houston when I farted. 0.99

00:10:15.000 And it bounced off the library shelves.

00:10:17.000 Everybody looked at us on the second floor.

00:10:20.000 What was the name of that bookstore in Houston, Doug?

00:10:22.000 All of us.

00:10:22.000 I know what you're talking about.

00:10:23.000 I remember that time.

00:10:24.000 You were sitting in a chair.

00:10:25.000 We were reading a magazine. 1.00

00:10:26.000 I was like, what the fuck, Joe Diaz? 0.99

00:10:28.000 That's still not as good as Tate's at the comedy store in San Diego. 0.99

00:10:31.000 The comedy store in La Jolla.

00:10:33.000 He farted in the lobby.

00:10:35.000 It was like somebody lit it on fire.

00:10:38.000 People were running from it, man.

00:10:40.000 They were running from it.

00:10:41.000 Yeah.

00:10:42.000 That was when we were selling shirts.

00:10:43.000 He farted right by the door, yeah.

00:10:44.000 No, it was, yeah, same weekend.

00:10:45.000 He farted right by the door and, like, ran towards the bar.

00:10:49.000 His farts had this aroma in the middle of the fart.

00:10:53.000 Like, first you get a hold of the fart that soak around you for, like, four or five seconds. 0.99

00:10:58.000 Then this complete other thing would evolve that would just climb into your nose, hands, and you had to step out of that fucking zone. 0.95

00:11:05.000 And then when you came back into that zone, you still smelt the fart in a post-courtem type way. 0.97

00:11:11.000 It was there, but not really. 0.99

00:11:12.000 His farts were fucking real. 0.99

00:11:14.000 They were ruthless. 0.99

00:11:15.000 He said he ate bars with a chemical.

00:11:17.000 Malamar.

00:11:18.000 His farts had a better credit rating than me. 1.00

00:11:21.000 Oh my god, his farts were fucking thick. 1.00

00:11:24.000 Like he could smell the root of the fucking asshole. 1.00

00:11:26.000 They were real. 1.00

00:11:28.000 They were living species. 0.79

00:11:29.000 And he would laugh his ass off. 0.63

00:11:31.000 He would turn bright red with laughter because part of it was he thought it was funny and part of it was shame.

00:11:36.000 It was all mixed together with horror because everybody was dying screaming.

00:11:41.000 I don't care what you say.

00:11:42.000 This is part of you.

00:11:43.000 No one's comfortable with smelling that bad.

00:11:45.000 You can pretend all you want, man. 0.98

00:11:47.000 You can cut the kind of farts that this dude would cut. 0.94

00:11:50.000 Oh my god, you've really never experienced anything like it. 0.95

00:11:53.000 It's like, unless you've been around a dude like that, it's like pointless to talk to people about it.

00:11:57.000 Like, yeah, yeah, farts stink, move on. 0.87

00:11:59.000 No, no, no.

00:11:59.000 No, you don't understand.

00:11:59.000 This is like fucking gas warfare.

00:12:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:02.000 I had two guys driving, man.

00:12:03.000 It was like assault you.

00:12:05.000 And a kid when I was growing up, Fernie Basesudo.

00:12:07.000 His family owned the restaurant. 0.99

00:12:08.000 BNS fucking diner. 1.00

00:12:10.000 What's his name, Fernie? 1.00

00:12:11.000 Fernie Basesudo.

00:12:12.000 He was Puerto Rican and Cuban.

00:12:14.000 His mother made pork chops. 1.00

00:12:15.000 Every day, you'd go in there and it'd destroy your fucking stomach. 1.00

00:12:18.000 But Fernie had the same type of farts as Tate. 1.00

00:12:20.000 That's a complete different animal to fart.

00:12:23.000 That fart grabs you. 1.00

00:12:24.000 It's just like you have to go home and change your shirt and shit, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:12:28.000 It sinks into your shirt. 0.99

00:12:29.000 Oh, and Tate would just light up an airplane. 1.00

00:12:31.000 It would fuck you up, man. 0.99

00:12:32.000 He would light up an airplane. 1.00

00:12:33.000 You could hear people in like 20 rows back going, Jesus!

00:12:39.000 I remember that.

00:12:40.000 You remember that?

00:12:41.000 You could hear it.

00:12:42.000 And you would look back and Tate would have his headphones on, sunglasses on, just a big smile on his face. 1.00

00:12:47.000 Fucking... 1.00

00:12:47.000 Chewing gum and ripping the most horrendous farts known to man. 1.00

00:12:52.000 I put his farts up against anyone that's ever lived.

00:12:54.000 The time with Antonio Banderas, when I farted, you heard the lady go, oh my god.

00:13:00.000 I put that in the blog.

00:13:02.000 I put it in the blog.

00:13:03.000 I was in the middle of writing and just, I know where I see Joey do this.

00:13:08.000 Just lean away from me a little bit.

00:13:09.000 Just a little lean.

00:13:12.000 Oh no!

00:13:13.000 As soon as I realize what he's doing, he's just clearing away.

00:13:16.000 You cartoon fart.

00:13:17.000 You actually make the motions and stuff like that.

00:13:19.000 I do that all the time.

00:13:21.000 Especially when I'm by myself.

00:13:23.000 Unless I want you to know I'm farting.

00:13:26.000 If I'm trying to sneak out a fart and not take the blame for it, which I'll do occasionally, then I'll just sit still.

00:13:31.000 Have you ever cupped your hand in the shower and made Donald Duck?

00:13:35.000 No, not Donald Duck.

00:13:36.000 I inhaled that fart. 1.00

00:13:38.000 I'll put it right to the fucking sleep back in your mask. 1.00

00:13:40.000 It's very satisfying about farting in a pool or a bathtub as well. 1.00

00:13:43.000 Oh yeah, pools are cool.

00:13:43.000 Your dad farted in Irvine Improv and I thought, you ever get so high, you're on the wall and you think, like I was watching you and I'm like, ain't nobody walking by me and I cut a fart.

00:13:51.000 And all of a sudden I turned around, a waitress is coming back. 0.99

00:13:53.000 With a tray of fucking glasses. 0.99

00:13:55.000 And I'm like, poor girl. 1.00

00:13:56.000 And they know it's you. 1.00

00:13:58.000 Who the fuck? 1.00

00:13:58.000 You're the only thing next to a smell of shit in 20 feet. 1.00

00:14:01.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:14:02.000 It's 20 feet of shit in you. 1.00

00:14:03.000 That's a terrible feeling when someone walks over and he just didn't plan it out. 1.00

00:14:07.000 He thought you were in the solo.

00:14:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:10.000 One time I went to Bob Hope Medical Center, and they did an EKG on me, and as they were picking me up, it was a small office, as they were picking me up, a little fart came out of my ass. 0.98

00:14:19.000 I just went, and the doctor and the nurse just sit there and look at each other, and I got up real quick and blocked them. 0.98

00:14:26.000 Let me tell you something.

00:14:26.000 When you fart in a little doctor's office and it kept expanding, it was one of those Tate farts and it just kept getting thicker.

00:14:32.000 When they know it's you, it's fucking embarrassing. 0.99

00:14:34.000 You know what I think is interesting? 0.99

00:14:35.000 The whole idea, especially amongst comics, that you're not supposed to talk about farts.

00:14:40.000 That somehow or another farts are like a cheap laugh.

00:14:42.000 Well, on stage.

00:14:43.000 But is it even a cheap...

00:14:46.000 I mean, is it not a part of how you look at the world?

00:14:50.000 I mean, farts are in there.

00:14:51.000 They're in the mix.

00:14:52.000 I guess it's like airplanes.

00:14:53.000 If it's about farts, it's been said.

00:14:56.000 Well, even airplanes.

00:14:57.000 You know, Patton did a joke.

00:14:58.000 Patton Oswalt did a joke on his latest CD about going on JetBlue. 0.98

00:15:01.000 It's an airplane joke, and I fucking loved it.

00:15:04.000 It's an airplane joke about how the airplane's like a sky bus now. 0.97

00:15:06.000 I don't care if it's a subject that's been beaten.

00:15:09.000 I want to hear your take on the subject.

00:15:11.000 I agree.

00:15:12.000 Yeah, and Patton's joke on airplanes was, I mean, and Louis C.K. did one recently on Conan, I think, right?

00:15:17.000 No, not on Conan.

00:15:18.000 Who did he do it on?

00:15:19.000 He did like a whole, was it on Leno?

00:15:21.000 Might have done it on Leno.

00:15:22.000 You know, it's funny, though, is that we were talking about farts and airplanes, but yet we just got done talking about farting on airplanes.

00:15:29.000 That's fascinating.

00:15:30.000 You know, that's, like, too.

00:15:31.000 What is it?

00:15:33.000 What I was going to say is, what is it about, like, things like farts, where, like, you know, if you talk about it, it's like a cheap laugh.

00:15:38.000 And a lot of times it is a cheap laugh, like bad comics.

00:15:41.000 But when it's telling the truth, you know, when it's you. 0.98

00:15:45.000 Like, you've talked about farts on stage before and had me fucking crying laughing. 0.99

00:15:49.000 It's the truth. 0.96

00:15:50.000 If anybody smelt one of Tate's farts, you would look at farts completely different, and it wouldn't be a hacky situation.

00:15:57.000 Well, it's still one of those things where I think a lot of comics are always worried about what other people, especially other comics, think about their material.

00:16:04.000 So they're scared to talk about anything, even if it's something they're really thinking about, if it's like a tired premise.

00:16:09.000 They don't want to talk about it.

00:16:10.000 Even if you have your own unique point of view on it, they just don't want to touch on it.

00:16:13.000 But I don't think that's good either, man.

00:16:15.000 I think if you give yourself any restrictions... 0.99

00:16:18.000 I mean, you could be dwelling on the dumbest fucking thing in the world, like the most obvious premise, but if you're actually dwelling on it, you should even address the fact that this is obviously a stupid premise. 0.99

00:16:27.000 Why am I fucking obsessed with this? 0.99

00:16:29.000 But, you know, that's like... 0.99

00:16:30.000 When you start cutting out subjects and, like, fucking... 0.97

00:16:34.000 How many comics played at the back of the room? 0.99

00:16:37.000 How many comics do comedy instead of for their own personal viewpoint?

00:16:41.000 They do it so that other comics will like them.

00:16:45.000 Remember in the beginning, open mic days, there were dudes who would only make comics laugh?

00:16:50.000 And a lot of guys, they got stuck in this weird spot where their audience was comics.

00:16:55.000 They would be good at making comics laugh, but regular audience members would just... 0.67

00:16:59.000 The comics wanted to see something fucked up. 0.98

00:17:02.000 How high are you, Joey? 0.99

00:17:04.000 You know what I'm talking?

00:17:06.000 Joey G is, it just kicked in and he sat back.

00:17:09.000 Whenever Joey sits back, let me tell you something. 0.99

00:17:11.000 Whenever Joey sits back like this and crosses his fingers on his chest, he's fucking gone. 0.99

00:17:16.000 He's gone. 0.99

00:17:17.000 He's on another planet right now. 0.96

00:17:18.000 No, I went to acupuncture and then got stoned and we smoked that stuff you had and that put me right the fuck over the wall. 0.78

00:17:23.000 Do you worry, do you ever think about what you're talking about on stage or do you just write out what you're thinking about?

00:17:28.000 Do you ever look at it and go, hmm, maybe this isn't a subject for me.

00:17:31.000 Maybe I shouldn't touch this.

00:17:32.000 There's maybe three subjects I won't touch on stage.

00:17:37.000 Just because of personal references, and I'm a failure for not touching them.

00:17:41.000 Really?

00:17:41.000 You feel like a failure?

00:17:42.000 For not touching them, because I'm letting my emotion get involved on that.

00:17:45.000 What are they?

00:17:46.000 I don't like abortion talk.

00:17:50.000 That's a tough subject. 0.99

00:17:52.000 I don't like kids with AIDS and punching kids. 0.86

00:17:56.000 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that either. 0.99

00:17:57.000 Even though I've said shocking shit like that before that was mean and funny, but probably not. 0.83

00:18:04.000 In comics, that's a weakness. 0.93

00:18:05.000 I should be able to go up and cover every spectrum of life.

00:18:09.000 Right, but maybe you just don't find humor in that.

00:18:11.000 I don't find humor in that.

00:18:12.000 I don't want to talk about rape. 1.00

00:18:15.000 I talk about fucking people in the ass and eating ass. 1.00

00:18:17.000 I've never mentioned the word rape. 1.00

00:18:19.000 The word rape makes my fucking neck hair stick up every time. 0.99

00:18:24.000 So, that's, you know. 1.00

00:18:25.000 Well, then that's just you, though.

00:18:27.000 That's me.

00:18:27.000 That's just you.

00:18:28.000 I'm a pussy, but not real. 1.00

00:18:30.000 I don't think so, man. 1.00

00:18:31.000 I don't think so.

00:18:32.000 I think, you know, you talk about what you want to talk about.

00:18:34.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 0.99

00:18:36.000 You know, I talked about some wild shit on stage. 0.99

00:18:38.000 I talked about kidnapping and mugging. 0.99

00:18:41.000 You told the truth about going to prison.

00:18:43.000 But I just cannot talk.

00:18:44.000 Being coked up, holding a guy down with a machine gun. 1.00

00:18:46.000 I can't listen to fucking, you know. 1.00

00:18:48.000 I totally understand what you're saying. 0.99

00:18:50.000 Yeah, it's a tricky situation, man.

00:18:53.000 And I have nothing against who does it.

00:18:54.000 You know what gets me about abortion?

00:18:55.000 Here's what gets me about the abortion subject.

00:18:57.000 It's like there's two sides, okay?

00:18:59.000 There's one side where you are, you know, you're pro-life and you don't think that people should be allowed to have abortions and that there's other options and that it's killing, it's murder.

00:19:08.000 And then the other side is, you know, you support a woman's right to choose and it's just a series of cells and the body doesn't have a soul. 1.00

00:19:17.000 The woman, she's carrying it in her body. 1.00

00:19:19.000 It should be totally up to her.

00:19:20.000 Why does it have to be just two points of view?

00:19:22.000 I see both.

00:19:23.000 I see I should not be able to tell you what to do.

00:19:25.000 I should not be able to tell anybody what to do.

00:19:27.000 And I could totally see wanting to have an abortion. 0.98

00:19:29.000 I could totally see not wanting to raise a child at certain points in your life.

00:19:32.000 I could totally see you having that option.

00:19:34.000 But let's be honest.

00:19:35.000 What you're doing is you're killing something.

00:19:37.000 You know, it's growing inside you, but it will eventually become a human being. 0.99

00:19:41.000 You know, I mean, we can play games and say, you know, at three days in it's not, at five days it is, or whatever the fuck you want to say. 0.99

00:19:47.000 But the bottom line is there's a little human being growing inside your body. 0.99

00:19:50.000 And I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

00:19:52.000 I mean, it's your body. 1.00

00:19:53.000 I really don't think anybody could tell you, you know, but you're killing something.

00:19:58.000 I mean, you're choosing not to let it grow.

00:20:01.000 You're terminating it.

00:20:02.000 I mean, let's be honest about what you're doing.

00:20:04.000 It's a symbiotic relationship.

00:20:05.000 Obviously, the baby needs you to stay alive.

00:20:07.000 It's a part of you until it becomes its own individual entity.

00:20:10.000 But the path has been set.

00:20:12.000 It's on the way.

00:20:13.000 You know, why is that?

00:20:14.000 Like, how come you can't say that?

00:20:16.000 I mean, it's either one or the other.

00:20:18.000 Either you support a woman's right to choose or you think it's murder. 0.99

00:20:21.000 But no one ever says, well, I support the right for you to do it, but let's talk about what the fuck it is. 0.98

00:20:26.000 I mean, it is a creepy thing. 0.97

00:20:27.000 And if I was a woman, it would creep me out that I would have to do something like that.

00:20:31.000 Especially when you talk to someone who's had kids.

00:20:33.000 Once you've had kids, you understand what babies really are and the whole thing.

00:20:36.000 You get this experience of having your own child.

00:20:40.000 And you go, oh, wow.

00:20:43.000 Abortion is really crazy when you think about it.

00:20:45.000 I'm glad I don't have the option.

00:20:47.000 I'm glad that I don't get pregnant.

00:20:50.000 Could you imagine if it was you that got pregnant?

00:20:53.000 How many abortions would you have? 1.00

00:20:55.000 You'd have like 10 abortions. 1.00

00:20:56.000 How many can you have? 1.00

00:20:58.000 Before your fucking plumbing breaks. 1.00

00:21:00.000 Is there a ceiling to this? 1.00

00:21:02.000 I went out with a girl once that had so many abortions that she can't get pregnant. 1.00

00:21:06.000 Really?

00:21:07.000 Yeah.

00:21:08.000 It's like three or four.

00:21:09.000 She was so crazy.

00:21:11.000 She's had like five or six. 0.99

00:21:13.000 She was so crazy.

00:21:16.000 I went to this abortion show or whatever. 0.95

00:21:20.000 It was at the Science Museum.

00:21:21.000 I guess it wasn't a show.

00:21:23.000 A convention.

00:21:24.000 No, it was just a display that showed from like every week of a baby's life all the way to that.

00:21:29.000 That meat thing, that life thing. 0.92

00:21:31.000 Yeah.

00:21:32.000 The bodies in motion, whatever it was.

00:21:33.000 They're all in glass jars though.

00:21:35.000 And at first I was like, they're not real.

00:21:37.000 These are just little models.

00:21:38.000 But then you read down that these are all real.

00:21:40.000 Yeah, including the mother.

00:21:42.000 Yeah, and you look at the very small one, and it looks like a little demon.

00:21:46.000 Like, I don't know if you've ever seen it.

00:21:47.000 It just looks like an alien or something.

00:21:49.000 Looks like a lizard.

00:21:49.000 Yeah, and then it's so weird seeing a girl, but then you get to the big one, and that is the most depressing thing you'll ever see in your life.

00:21:56.000 Just this baby sitting there with a face that's been frozen in time, like, and just, you know...

00:22:00.000 The whole exhibit freaks me out.

00:22:03.000 And if you don't know the exhibit we're talking about, it's a bodies exhibit.

00:22:06.000 And this guy invented some new process of preserving human tissue.

00:22:10.000 And he does it somehow or another in plastic.

00:22:13.000 And they have a whole video on it.

00:22:15.000 I think it's called...

00:22:16.000 Body worlds.

00:22:17.000 But I'm trying to think of the process.

00:22:19.000 Plasta something.

00:22:20.000 Anyway, so it's really like a bunch of bodies all cut up in weird positions, doing weird things. 0.98

00:22:27.000 And it gives you a sense of the anatomy, but it also gives you a sense like, how is this any different than something a fucking serial killer would do? 0.98

00:22:34.000 Right. 0.99

00:22:35.000 Dexter.

00:22:36.000 Could you imagine if this was all started? 1.00

00:22:39.000 By a guy who's just some sick fuck, and the way he pawned it off on people is like, you know, it's just checking out the anatomy. 0.99

00:22:47.000 Because there's some of them that are so questionable, dude. 1.00

00:22:49.000 One of them, they had a chick cut in half at the vagina. 1.00

00:22:53.000 Okay? 1.00

00:22:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:22:54.000 At the vagina, and there's like segments of her. 0.99

00:22:56.000 She's like cut in half at her fucking pussy. 1.00

00:22:59.000 Right. 1.00

00:23:00.000 Like, really?

00:23:01.000 I really need to see that?

00:23:02.000 You sure?

00:23:03.000 Are you sure about that? 1.00

00:23:04.000 You sure you want to put that fucking image out there? 1.00

00:23:05.000 It's pretty fucking demented. 1.00

00:23:06.000 It's weird, man. 1.00

00:23:08.000 They're like playing tennis and shit, and you know, it's just their muscle tissue with no skin on and fake eyeballs. 0.99

00:23:12.000 It's a trip. 0.99

00:23:14.000 Did we go together to see that?

00:23:15.000 I think we did.

00:23:16.000 And we saw that IMAX movie, The Body Ranks?

00:23:19.000 Yes, yes.

00:23:19.000 I remember being so stoned while seeing that, I almost had a panic attack.

00:23:23.000 Oh, we were so high.

00:23:23.000 We had lollipops, didn't we?

00:23:25.000 Yeah.

00:23:25.000 I think we had lollipops.

00:23:26.000 This was back in the days, the rookie days of edibles, where we didn't quite understand what was going on.

00:23:32.000 Like, oh, two lollipops would be fine.

00:23:33.000 We didn't know.

00:23:34.000 The people who don't know, when you eat pot, man, you get way different.

00:23:39.000 It's a way different high.

00:23:40.000 It's something called 11 hydroxy metabolites produced by your liver. 0.99

00:23:43.000 We've talked about it before, but that's why people freak out when they eat brownies and shit. 1.00

00:23:47.000 Like, you swore off edibles. 0.99

00:23:50.000 I only eat them on Mondays because the Armenians give me a free edible day on Monday. 1.00

00:23:54.000 So I always eat the three peanut butter cookies and get fucked up. 0.99

00:23:56.000 He called me once. 0.99

00:23:58.000 You called me once.

00:23:59.000 I'll never forget this.

00:24:00.000 You go like this.

00:24:01.000 Dog, that's it.

00:24:03.000 That's it, dog.

00:24:04.000 I go, what? 1.00

00:24:05.000 No more fucking edibles. 1.00

00:24:07.000 No more fucking edibles, Joe Rogan. 1.00

00:24:10.000 No more edibles. 1.00

00:24:10.000 Like, that's the whole conversation. 1.00

00:24:12.000 I'm done.

00:24:13.000 I'm done.

00:24:13.000 Oh, that bad.

00:24:14.000 Don't you wish phones had TiVo?

00:24:16.000 So you could just, like, record this.

00:24:19.000 Well, the recording would be awesome, but would be more awesome as the visual.

00:24:22.000 You know, to get some FaceTime on that.

00:24:24.000 Yeah, FaceTime.

00:24:25.000 It's always doing FaceTime.

00:24:26.000 Sometimes you eat those edibles, and I'd eat them like I ate in the morning, guys. 0.99

00:24:30.000 Like, I get up and pop a cup of coffee and eat a fucking chocolate cake. 0.99

00:24:33.000 By 9.30, I gotta go to the Y. Fear factor was all edibles. 0.99

00:24:37.000 Because that would last the longest.

00:24:39.000 And this is also one I didn't understand.

00:24:40.000 I just knew that I'd build up a tolerance if I had a lollipop every day.

00:24:44.000 I was getting...

00:24:46.000 Blitzkrieg.

00:24:46.000 I mean, like, so baked.

00:24:48.000 I was, like, freaking out about the colors of the sky and, you know, thinking how strange this life is and we're all pretending it's permanent, but it's really temporary.

00:24:56.000 While I was, like, forced to do this, you know, not forced, but, you know, while my job was to do this Fear Factor show. 0.99

00:25:01.000 High as fuck. 1.00

00:25:03.000 They fuck with you, those edibles. 1.00

00:25:05.000 They fuck with you, those edibles, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:25:07.000 Yeah, no, they do. 1.00

00:25:08.000 They really do.

00:25:09.000 It's way stronger.

00:25:10.000 People don't know.

00:25:11.000 It's four times more psychoactive than THC when you eat it.

00:25:14.000 Yeah.

00:25:14.000 That 11-hydroxymetapolate.

00:25:16.000 It doesn't feel like pot.

00:25:17.000 It doesn't feel like you're high.

00:25:18.000 It feels like some totally different kind of a psychedelic trip.

00:25:21.000 Yeah.

00:25:22.000 Very introspective. 0.99

00:25:24.000 It really makes you fucking consider your life. 1.00

00:25:27.000 When you're alone and you ate a brownie, you start going deep into your childhood and shit. 1.00

00:25:31.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:25:32.000 Don't you? 1.00

00:25:33.000 Thinking about your relationship with your parents and fucking... 1.00

00:25:37.000 All sorts of weird shit that made you become who you are. 1.00

00:25:40.000 You start really fucking going deep. 1.00

00:25:42.000 The last time I did Edibles was at a UFC. It was with you. 0.99

00:25:48.000 It got to the point where there was a good match going on and everyone was murmuring.

00:25:53.000 At once, like an arena.

00:25:55.000 You could hear everything.

00:25:56.000 That murmur started to get in me and I started feeling my heart.

00:26:01.000 When Clay Guida fought Diego Sanchez, I could feel the smacks.

00:26:05.000 There was one flurry in the first round where they were both just for a minute.

00:26:10.000 They must have connected on 20 punches apiece.

00:26:13.000 I felt all 20 punches.

00:26:14.000 I remember that I woke up like this, just holding on to myself. 0.99

00:26:18.000 I can't even block these fucking punches that Diego's throwing at me. 0.98

00:26:21.000 And all of a sudden I realized I had Brian Redman next to me. 0.98

00:26:24.000 And people like Jake Shields is over here.

00:26:26.000 I'm like, what's happening? 0.99

00:26:27.000 But I caught myself fucking blocking Diego's body kicks and shit. 0.99

00:26:31.000 Like twisted and everything. 1.00

00:26:32.000 That's when you know, fuck 3D glasses, motherfucker. 1.00

00:26:35.000 I was in that fucking ring. 1.00

00:26:37.000 When they broke, that was a very intense first minute. 1.00

00:26:40.000 Very intense.

00:26:40.000 If you remember, that's what, I think about edibles.

00:26:44.000 It swept you.

00:26:45.000 It just swept me. 0.98

00:26:46.000 And I remember like turning and fucking fading and You know, making believe he was jabbing. 0.94

00:26:51.000 Okay, here's the question. 0.97

00:26:52.000 Here's the question.

00:26:52.000 Do you think it's real?

00:26:54.000 Do you think that the connection that you have when you get super high, especially with edibles, that weird feeling that you have where you feel like you can tell if people are lying, you can tell if people are upset with you and they're not talking about it, that you can tell if they have issues.

00:27:06.000 Do I think that's real?

00:27:07.000 Yeah.

00:27:07.000 I think it's 100% real.

00:27:08.000 I think it's 100%.

00:27:09.000 It's real, right?

00:27:09.000 Totally real.

00:27:10.000 There's a different level of perception that comes.

00:27:12.000 It's like you have a new sense that you usually don't have. 0.92

00:27:15.000 Right, but when you get sober, you all of a sudden start thinking it's ridiculous. 0.93

00:27:18.000 Right.

00:27:18.000 When you sober up...

00:27:19.000 Because you're not feeling the same sense anymore.

00:27:21.000 Exactly. 0.96

00:27:21.000 But it's never more ridiculous. 0.96

00:27:24.000 There's no more ridiculous story than you telling someone that you have an enlightened perspective because you got intoxicated. 0.94

00:27:30.000 People will always make fun of that. 0.89

00:27:31.000 Like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:27:32.000 You're high on mushrooms and you figured out the world?

00:27:34.000 Sure you did.

00:27:35.000 Because when you're sober, it seems so preposterous.

00:27:38.000 But when you're really, really, really high... 1.00

00:27:41.000 You can see some shit. 1.00

00:27:43.000 And you figure out some shit. 1.00

00:27:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:44.000 Every time you get high and you get in your car, even if it's just go to Starbucks, you always figure out one component of your day. 0.99

00:27:50.000 Yeah.

00:27:51.000 Like one decision is made, and it's made, you know, and you stick to it.

00:27:54.000 And that's that weed.

00:27:55.000 It's the same reason why people think it makes you paranoid. 1.00

00:27:58.000 It's making you think about shit. 1.00

00:27:59.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:28:00.000 It's making you consider shit that you don't ordinarily consider. 0.99

00:28:02.000 And let me tell you something. 0.99

00:28:03.000 Weed in the isolation tank?

00:28:06.000 My god. 1.00

00:28:07.000 Joey Diaz, that fucking thing has changed my whole brain. 1.00

00:28:11.000 It's rewired my brain. 1.00

00:28:12.000 I have all the hardware from my old brain.

00:28:15.000 It's still laying around, but it's not even connected anymore. 0.99

00:28:18.000 That fucking isolation tank from just smoking weed. 0.98

00:28:21.000 I'm trying to figure out how to live my life as if I just entered into this world 10 years ago. 1.00

00:28:29.000 I entered into a body that's already existed and already had a history and already had a bunch of things that it's already done and dealt with.

00:28:34.000 And so, what have I done?

00:28:36.000 I've done all this?

00:28:36.000 Jesus Christ, what was I thinking when I did that?

00:28:38.000 You know what I mean?

00:28:39.000 It's like you become a totally different human being managing a new life.

00:28:43.000 That's what the tank does to you. 0.99

00:28:46.000 The tank is the It's the fucking freakiest thing ever. 0.98

00:28:48.000 I wish more of you guys would be into it. 0.98

00:28:51.000 Nobody does it.

00:28:52.000 I don't know why you guys wouldn't do it.

00:28:54.000 I always talk about it. 0.99

00:28:56.000 It is the craziest fucking experience that I ever do. 0.99

00:28:59.000 It's like doing a crime and going home and locking your door and smoking a joint for eight hours sitting there thinking the cops are going to break in. 0.99

00:29:06.000 That's a horrible feeling. 0.99

00:29:07.000 You get to see fucking life for what it is. 0.99

00:29:09.000 When you're sitting in that corner listening by the stairs to see if they're coming. 1.00

00:29:13.000 So it's a fucked up experience, you think. 1.00

00:29:15.000 Well, you clean your brain out of all that shit that you've done that's making you worry about people coming to get you. 1.00

00:29:20.000 All that shit, all the shady shit, you know, it makes you clean your brain out. 1.00

00:29:24.000 How come you've never done the tank? 1.00

00:29:25.000 How come you never go in?

00:29:26.000 I don't fit.

00:29:27.000 Do they fit?

00:29:28.000 You fit.

00:29:29.000 There's a giant one they have.

00:29:30.000 The guy in Venice can make any size one.

00:29:32.000 Where's the tank at?

00:29:33.000 It's a huge door, Joey.

00:29:34.000 It's not like you have to crop your little...

00:29:35.000 There's two places.

00:29:36.000 No, there's two places.

00:29:38.000 One is Soothing Solutions in Burbank.

00:29:40.000 You could go there.

00:29:41.000 That's near you.

00:29:42.000 Really?

00:29:42.000 That's real close.

00:29:42.000 You've been there?

00:29:43.000 And there's a very nice lady. 1.00

00:29:44.000 Let's do a Death Squad trip and tape it over there. 1.00

00:29:46.000 See what happens.

00:29:47.000 Let's do it.

00:29:48.000 She's a nice lady. 1.00

00:29:49.000 She's very nice.

00:29:50.000 Yeah, let's do it.

00:29:51.000 I'll do it with you guys.

00:29:51.000 Let's do it.

00:29:52.000 Let's tape it and let's see what happens.

00:29:54.000 Make a video out of it.

00:29:54.000 There we go.

00:29:55.000 How I feel when I come out of there.

00:29:57.000 I'm taking you guys all.

00:29:58.000 Eddie, too.

00:29:59.000 And Ari, too.

00:29:59.000 Let's see how I feel when you come out.

00:30:01.000 Ari's going to fuck it up. 1.00

00:30:01.000 Don't start screaming. 1.00

00:30:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:30:03.000 Start faking it.

00:30:04.000 Ah!

00:30:05.000 Yeah.

00:30:06.000 No, no.

00:30:06.000 No, he wouldn't.

00:30:07.000 If we just all said, let's all have an experience filming it and tell me what you think.

00:30:12.000 Yeah.

00:30:13.000 And we could advertise that lady's business, too. 0.99

00:30:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:16.000 And the guy in Venice, too. 1.00

00:30:17.000 Let's advertise him, too, because his place is the shit. 0.99

00:30:19.000 Is it really in Venice? 1.00

00:30:20.000 Yeah, Float Lab's the shit. 1.00

00:30:21.000 That guy, he's on another level. 0.99

00:30:23.000 See, everybody else is making these tanks like my old tank, the one I gave away, which is excellent.

00:30:27.000 I mean, it's way better than nothing.

00:30:29.000 It's good.

00:30:29.000 It works good.

00:30:30.000 But his are, like, super thick.

00:30:33.000 It's steel and insulated.

00:30:34.000 And his, like, maintained temperature much better.

00:30:37.000 And it's much bigger, so you have more oxygen inside of it.

00:30:40.000 And he actually adds an oxygen pumper, you know, an oxygen scrubber.

00:30:43.000 So it scrubs oxygen, pure oxygen, out of the air and pumps it into you.

00:30:46.000 He's just got it down. 0.99

00:30:48.000 He's nuts. 1.00

00:30:49.000 The guy at the float laptop, he's a crazy dude. 1.00

00:30:52.000 But the cool kind of crazy. 0.98

00:30:54.000 And he's like a mad scientist.

00:30:56.000 And he's got this new thing.

00:30:57.000 Did I tell you about the new thing?

00:30:58.000 The video cameras? 0.99

00:30:59.000 This motherfucker, if you don't know about the isolation tank, what the isolation tank is, it's a tank that was invented by a guy named John Lilly. 0.99

00:31:07.000 John Lilly was this crazy, psychedelic pioneer from the 60s. 1.00

00:31:10.000 He used to take ketamine and fucking lay in the tank for days. 1.00

00:31:14.000 Like, he was nuts. 0.99

00:31:15.000 He used to take acid, and this is how he figured out how to make the tank. 0.88

00:31:18.000 He wanted to figure out a way where he was completely separate from his senses.

00:31:24.000 So his brain doesn't have to listen to his body at all.

00:31:26.000 And first he started out with, he would be in a tank where he would be upright and the head, you would float by the head.

00:31:32.000 So basically you'd be hanging from your chin, which is probably not that comfortable, but you get used to it and then the rest of you feels like you're weightless.

00:31:39.000 But then he figured out all you have to do is just put a ton of salt in the water and that'll make you buoyant and then you can lie on your back and then like half of your body's exposed.

00:31:46.000 So that's the new models.

00:31:48.000 They all have like, mine has 800 pounds of salt in 11 inches of water and you lie in it And the water is 93.5 degrees, which is the same temperature as your skin.

00:31:57.000 And so as you lie in it, you don't feel the water anymore, and you just dissolve.

00:32:01.000 You have no body sensation at all.

00:32:03.000 And it's just pure mind.

00:32:06.000 It's just a mind with no connection to any input.

00:32:09.000 So the mind doesn't have any distractions. 0.94

00:32:11.000 Your mind gets to look at your whole life completely objectively, not thinking about your back or your fucking feet smell or, you know, you're touching the couch or you're hearing, you know, sounds and seeing lights. 0.94

00:32:21.000 It's just pure mind. 0.92

00:32:23.000 And in that state, that's one of the rarest states on earth.

00:32:28.000 It's pretty simple to achieve, but if you think about it, there's no place like that on earth where you can be separate from your body.

00:32:35.000 Literally, you don't feel your body.

00:32:37.000 It's just your mind.

00:32:39.000 We all get distracted.

00:32:42.000 Having a conversation in front of a giant crowd of people like when you're on stage, that's distracting.

00:32:46.000 Talking to people while people are next to you screaming, that's distracting.

00:32:49.000 But what we don't realize is life is distracting.

00:32:52.000 And sometimes you've got too much... 1.00

00:32:54.000 Why do people who have fucked up lives like to have a bunch of shit going on? 0.99

00:32:58.000 How many dudes do you know that complicate their lives on purpose because they've got some shit going on so they'll just... 0.99

00:33:04.000 I'm starting up a business. 1.00

00:33:05.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:33:06.000 You're starting up a business, man. 1.00

00:33:07.000 You're a fucking comic. 1.00

00:33:09.000 You're going to start up a business? 1.00

00:33:10.000 But why is he really starting up a business? 1.00

00:33:12.000 He's trying to distract himself with more shit so he doesn't have to think about his shit. 1.00

00:33:15.000 It's a classic psychological ploy. 1.00

00:33:18.000 Your whole life is a distraction.

00:33:20.000 You don't even realize it.

00:33:21.000 Everything you do is constant input coming in.

00:33:23.000 You've got to navigate your way through this world.

00:33:25.000 It takes away resources.

00:33:27.000 It takes away resources that your brain has.

00:33:29.000 Gotta get in there, Joey Diaz.

00:33:31.000 Let's go.

00:33:31.000 Burbank.

00:33:32.000 Next week. 1.00

00:33:32.000 After the fucking break. 1.00

00:33:34.000 How come you don't do it? 1.00

00:33:35.000 You're in Burbank.

00:33:35.000 How come you've never done it?

00:33:37.000 Because, you know, I just...

00:33:39.000 I don't know.

00:33:41.000 That's a thing.

00:33:41.000 It's one of those things.

00:33:42.000 Have you ever been in a tub?

00:33:44.000 Ever before?

00:33:44.000 Do you think you avoid that kind of like heavy lifting when it comes to like the mind?

00:33:50.000 No, you know, to me, I have my own kind of relaxing things that I do, and it seems like, I don't know, I guess it's not a necessity, so I don't really need to blow money on something that, you know.

00:34:03.000 Dude, I'll buy you a gift certificate.

00:34:06.000 If it was free, I would do it every day.

00:34:07.000 All right, well, let's get you on it then.

00:34:09.000 We're going to do that.

00:34:09.000 That's going to be our next video.

00:34:11.000 We're going to do the isolation tank.

00:34:13.000 I'm going to convert all you guys.

00:34:14.000 Because I think it's ridiculous that I've been using this thing for seven years and you guys don't use it.

00:34:17.000 Yeah, I'm sure it's better than the tanning bin.

00:34:18.000 And if you guys... 1.00

00:34:19.000 It's way better to jerk off. 1.00

00:34:21.000 And if you guys go to... 0.98

00:34:22.000 If you Google where to float, just that term, there will be a website that will pop up from Samadhi.

00:34:28.000 Samadhi.com, which are very awesome people that made my first tank.

00:34:33.000 And their website has a listing of places where you can rent time in a tank all over the world, all different countries, all the different places it's available.

00:34:41.000 And a lot of people have used it and emailed me about it and said that they found a tank, you know, like an hour away from their house or something like that. 0.98

00:34:47.000 It's a fucking great tool. 0.88

00:34:48.000 It's a great tool for the mind, you know, if you're the type of person that likes to meditate, and I think everyone should. 1.00

00:34:53.000 You know, everyone, I mean, you call it, you say meditate, you sound like you're full of shit and you're doing yoga with beads on. 0.99

00:35:00.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:35:01.000 It's like the word meditate has this connotation, this, you know, this fake spirituality connected to it.

00:35:08.000 You know, it's a term, right?

00:35:10.000 But thinking about your life is very important.

00:35:13.000 Especially in Boulder, they use meditate like that. 1.00

00:35:16.000 Motherfucker, them sandalwares. 1.00

00:35:17.000 There are so many sandal-wearing motherfuckers in Boulder. 1.00

00:35:20.000 Oh, in Boulder, aren't they? 1.00

00:35:20.000 I tell you what, though, they're nice. 1.00

00:35:21.000 Oh, they're fucking brilliant. 0.96

00:35:23.000 But I would talk to people, and they would say, oh, I've got this back injury. 0.98

00:35:28.000 I can't go to jiu-jitsu.

00:35:30.000 I go, oh, that's cool, man.

00:35:31.000 You okay?

00:35:32.000 You going to be all right?

00:35:33.000 He goes, yeah, I'm going to this healer.

00:35:34.000 He's doing a lot of body work on me, a lot of positive energy work. 1.00

00:35:38.000 I'm like, oh, you pay for that or do you suck his dick? 1.00

00:35:40.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:35:43.000 He was like totally straight-faced. 1.00

00:35:44.000 I'm going to a healer.

00:35:46.000 He's working on me, doing a lot of body work.

00:35:48.000 Oh, he's doing body work.

00:35:49.000 Oh, he's healing you.

00:35:50.000 With rocks and sand.

00:35:51.000 There's a lot of people that make a living doing that, man.

00:35:53.000 They're like healers.

00:35:54.000 They push on parts of your head and claim that they're healing you.

00:35:58.000 But the thing is, if you believe them, It works.

00:36:01.000 That's the crazy thing.

00:36:02.000 The human body is so fucking powerful, but we don't know how to use it. 0.95

00:36:06.000 It's like a computer, and we don't even have a manual. 0.99

00:36:08.000 We're just going into the registry and fucking with things. 0.54

00:36:11.000 We really don't know how it works. 0.97

00:36:12.000 So you can trick somebody with a placebo, and the placebo is just sugar. 1.00

00:36:16.000 It's just bullshit. 0.99

00:36:17.000 It doesn't do anything. 1.00

00:36:18.000 But because they think it's medicine, their body fixes itself.

00:36:21.000 But nobody knows how to just fix themselves.

00:36:24.000 It's crazy.

00:36:26.000 The placebo method, how come you can't just apply that on your own?

00:36:30.000 Why can't you just trick yourself?

00:36:31.000 You can't.

00:36:32.000 So then you don't have access to that pure belief.

00:36:36.000 You don't have access to the pure belief.

00:36:38.000 Literally, you have to be kind of crazy to have access to the pure belief that you can fix yourself with this magic pill that's just sugar. 1.00

00:36:46.000 It's a fucking mess. 0.99

00:36:47.000 Why can't we use it? 0.99

00:36:49.000 It's like a hidden part of the operating system.

00:36:52.000 You have to press four keys at the same time to get to it. 1.00

00:36:56.000 It's fucked up, man. 0.97

00:36:57.000 You know what's really cool to do stone, by the way? 0.99

00:36:59.000 I just thought of this while you were talking.

00:37:00.000 I don't want to lose it.

00:37:02.000 Get really, really baked.

00:37:03.000 Eat and go into your garage and get a ladder.

00:37:06.000 If there's one of those lights, the garage lights, I go up to it with a friend, and you both look at each other's face.

00:37:13.000 You turn off the lights, and you both stare at each other's face, and then you wait until your eyes adjust to the dark.

00:37:17.000 Then you flip the light real quick, and you see the other person's face as a ghost that's burnt into your retina.

00:37:22.000 Then you come down from the...

00:37:24.000 A ladder and you just walk around and you'll just see like this floating head in front of you.

00:37:28.000 For how long?

00:37:28.000 It probably lasts a good minute and a half, two minutes.

00:37:31.000 Does it work with black people? 0.97

00:37:32.000 No, no. 0.98

00:37:33.000 It doesn't.

00:37:34.000 You just see a canoe.

00:37:35.000 I gotta go upstairs to put a light bulb on it. 1.00

00:37:38.000 You fucking crazy guy. 1.00

00:37:40.000 I'm going up a fucking ladder. 1.00

00:37:40.000 What am I doing? 1.00

00:37:41.000 Am I wearing sandals? 0.99

00:37:41.000 When I fall down, I break my ankle to see Casper the Friendly Fucking Ghost. 0.99

00:37:44.000 Should I put angel wings on when I come here? 1.00

00:37:46.000 All that shit to get high. 1.00

00:37:48.000 That's too much drama to get high. 1.00

00:37:49.000 Just pass that fucking number. 0.99

00:37:51.000 It's something that you've never experienced. 1.00

00:37:53.000 Try it out.

00:37:53.000 Are you scared?

00:37:54.000 It's free.

00:37:54.000 That's free float tape.

00:37:56.000 You know what is cool as fuck when you're high? 0.99

00:37:58.000 What? 0.99

00:37:58.000 The L.A. Planetarium. 0.99

00:38:00.000 Or the Griffith Observatory, rather.

00:38:02.000 Did you go to it?

00:38:03.000 Yes.

00:38:03.000 Isn't it awesome?

00:38:04.000 Oh, my God.

00:38:04.000 When you lie back and you watch that star show, the show of the constellations.

00:38:08.000 It's amazing. 0.98

00:38:09.000 Fucking incredible, man. 0.98

00:38:10.000 You know what? 0.99

00:38:11.000 When I went to Hawaii, and we went to the Big Island, and we went up to the Keck Observatory.

00:38:17.000 It's in the top of the Big Island. 0.97

00:38:19.000 It's this gigantic fucking thing they have up there, you know, telescope. 0.97

00:38:24.000 It's like one of the world's biggest radio telescopes. 1.00

00:38:26.000 The fucking view up there is insane. 1.00

00:38:30.000 You go up there, you see every fucking star. 1.00

00:38:33.000 You see the whole Milky Way. 0.99

00:38:34.000 Like, you literally see the stripe, the Milky Way, and like...

00:38:38.000 100,000 times more stars than you normally see because it's way the fuck up there.

00:38:41.000 It's like 10,000 feet above sea level.

00:38:43.000 You're literally above the clouds.

00:38:45.000 You drive through the clouds to get to it.

00:38:46.000 Because we were driving. 0.96

00:38:47.000 I was like, this sucks, man. 0.99

00:38:48.000 It's fucking cloudy. 0.99

00:38:49.000 We're going to get up there. 1.00

00:38:50.000 We're not going to be able to see shit. 0.99

00:38:51.000 And then all of a sudden, you pop up above the clouds. 0.99

00:38:53.000 And that's where the observatory is. 0.99

00:38:54.000 God damn, it's beautiful. 1.00

00:38:57.000 The fucking stars are insane. 1.00

00:38:59.000 It's the best thing you could look at. 1.00

00:39:01.000 It's the best view.

00:39:02.000 And we deprive ourselves from it because of lights. 0.92

00:39:05.000 Even in LA, man, even in LA, if they shut off all the lights, if they shut off everything, above you would be fucking spectacular. 0.84

00:39:13.000 It's incredible.

00:39:14.000 It's the most amazing thing.

00:39:16.000 I stood there in Hawaii looking up going, is this here all the time?

00:39:20.000 This is there all the time and we can't see it.

00:39:22.000 You know what? 1.00

00:39:23.000 We have all these stupid gay holidays like Valentine's Day, Secretary's Day. 1.00

00:39:26.000 Why don't they have a holiday where everybody has to turn off their lights and there's no electricity for their day? 1.00

00:39:30.000 Have a blackout day?

00:39:31.000 Give me some knuckles. 0.95

00:39:32.000 How awesome would that be? 1.00

00:39:33.000 That's the greatest idea you've ever come up with in your fucking life. 1.00

00:39:35.000 Get Mayor Villaraigosa on the fucking bat phone right now. 1.00

00:39:38.000 Get him on the fucking bat phone. 1.00

00:39:40.000 Support blackout day. 1.00

00:39:40.000 But you know what? 1.00

00:39:41.000 If we had everybody do it, literally there would be nothing from the horizon.

00:39:45.000 It would be nothing.

00:39:45.000 God, how amazing would that be?

00:39:47.000 It would be insane.

00:39:47.000 The earth would reset.

00:39:48.000 It'd be like, oh, that's what I wanted.

00:39:50.000 It'd be insane.

00:39:50.000 It's like if you go to Vegas and you drive and you go into the mountains of Vegas, they have beautiful views in Vegas.

00:39:55.000 But because of all that fucking electricity all the goddamn time, you don't see shit. 1.00

00:39:59.000 Those lights, you don't see a goddamn thing. 1.00

00:40:01.000 You look up in the Vegas night, you don't see a fucking thing. 1.00

00:40:03.000 Can you imagine 200 years from now, Vegas had to shut the lights from Sunday to Thursday. 1.00

00:40:07.000 You ever think of that shit? 0.99

00:40:08.000 Do you remember when the Luxor had that light that shot up in the sky and was fucking up pilots? 1.00

00:40:12.000 That's crazy. 0.97

00:40:13.000 It was so strong, it was fucking with pilots. 0.99

00:40:15.000 Did you hear just the other day in LA, some guys were shining a laser at helicopters? 0.99

00:40:20.000 And they shined it on a police helicopter?

00:40:23.000 And man, they're getting like crazy charges against them.

00:40:26.000 They should.

00:40:27.000 They chase them down.

00:40:28.000 You've got to be responsible. 0.98

00:40:29.000 Well, first of all, it shouldn't be so easy to buy a fucking laser that you can shoot up to the sky. 0.99

00:40:32.000 Especially that new one that could fucking burn you. 0.99

00:40:35.000 How about the one that I got in Georgia? 0.99

00:40:36.000 Remember that one?

00:40:36.000 Yeah.

00:40:37.000 I got one that's illegal.

00:40:38.000 Totally illegal.

00:40:38.000 That's the only reason why I got it.

00:40:39.000 The guy told me, it's shitty buddies, man. 0.98

00:40:41.000 It's illegal. 0.97

00:40:41.000 I'm like, hmm. 0.97

00:40:42.000 Have it burned you?

00:40:43.000 But you sell it?

00:40:44.000 Do you sell this?

00:40:45.000 It's scary.

00:40:45.000 It's like a super powerful laser that you can literally go to the moon with.

00:40:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:49.000 Point it at the moon and it'll register on some fucking... 0.99

00:40:52.000 One of those Russian things. 1.00

00:40:54.000 One of those reflectors on the moon. 0.99

00:40:56.000 Like, no bullshit. 1.00

00:40:56.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00

00:40:57.000 Yeah. 0.87

00:40:58.000 You can buy these super powerful lasers. 0.99

00:41:00.000 I mean, this giant takes D-cell batteries and shit. 0.99

00:41:03.000 Wow. 1.00

00:41:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:41:03.000 You can just buy it. 1.00

00:41:04.000 Some asshole can just sell it to you. 1.00

00:41:05.000 I know. 1.00

00:41:06.000 Some asshole can sit... 1.00

00:41:07.000 On top of a building and just start blinding people. 1.00

00:41:09.000 Bam, bam, you're blind, you're blind, you're blind. 1.00

00:41:11.000 I just, just to fuck with it, I went outside and was putting little green lights on all the neighbors' houses, like seeing how powerful it was. 1.00

00:41:18.000 It's insane. 0.99

00:41:19.000 You could see it all the way.

00:41:20.000 I mean, it literally shot a straight line all the way across the valley to this house that was half a mile away, and I could see it.

00:41:26.000 Remember those little laser keychains that came out when lasers first came out in 97? 0.97

00:41:30.000 Dickheads would go to the movie theater and fucking shine them on the screen. 1.00

00:41:33.000 You want to kill them? 1.00

00:41:34.000 You remember that? 1.00

00:41:34.000 The Comedy Store 2 wheels when those guys used to have them. 1.00

00:41:37.000 Those came out in Myrtle Beach when I was in Myrtle Beach. 0.99

00:41:39.000 What was the name of that Russian dude that would always sell shit every Friday? 1.00

00:41:42.000 Monkey Bones. 1.00

00:41:43.000 Monkey Bones.

00:41:44.000 I still have a bunch of his lighters, man.

00:41:46.000 Yeah, he had lighters and those lights.

00:41:48.000 Boob lighters.

00:41:48.000 I just saw one the other day around here.

00:41:50.000 Yeah, they were awesome.

00:41:51.000 He used to have these lighters that would flip the top and these little titties would light up.

00:41:55.000 It was like a bikini.

00:41:56.000 I'm such a child.

00:41:57.000 Is he still around?

00:41:58.000 Yeah, he's been hanging out more at the rock bars lately, like the Roxy and stuff like that.

00:42:03.000 Really?

00:42:03.000 Has he been?

00:42:04.000 See, he's one of those dudes that, even though I wasn't looking forward to seeing him when I was at the comedy store, now that I think about it, I'm like, what a cool guy.

00:42:11.000 Yeah, I always was nice to that guy.

00:42:13.000 I always talked to that guy.

00:42:14.000 He gave me his phone number.

00:42:16.000 The Comedy Store back in the day had such a unique community in that parking lot area.

00:42:21.000 You know, that parking lot area was like a Lego club that we would go to.

00:42:25.000 It was like a hangout.

00:42:26.000 You know, that was like literally half the show was the parking lot show.

00:42:29.000 You put on your best shows first in the parking lot, and then you started putting on your best shows on stage.

00:42:35.000 On stage, yeah. 0.97

00:42:36.000 We used to fuck around a lot in the parking lot. 0.98

00:42:37.000 You became a much better comic in the parking lot. 0.97

00:42:41.000 Because it was like you got loose in that parking lot and started fucking around with us, and you don't have any restrictions about time or agents watching you or managers. 0.98

00:42:51.000 You could just be yourself, and you would fucking kill everybody in the parking lot, and then you would take that and just go on stage with it. 0.99

00:42:56.000 Go on stage with the anger, yeah. 0.99

00:42:57.000 But before, you were telling jokes, right?

00:43:00.000 When you first started out, you were telling jokes on stage, right?

00:43:03.000 Yeah.

00:43:03.000 What was a typical routine?

00:43:07.000 I have no fucking idea. 0.97

00:43:08.000 You don't remember what you talked about at all? 0.99

00:43:11.000 That was a long fucking time ago. 0.80

00:43:12.000 It was like you would go into a subject, but you wouldn't really go into it in depth. 0.95

00:43:16.000 Go into a subject, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:43:17.000 You would scratch it, and then you would go to the next subject.

00:43:20.000 That's really wild.

00:43:21.000 You never figured out how to get that momentum.

00:43:24.000 You get the momentum from going into a subject and then really exploring that subject.

00:43:28.000 So you take the audience on a little trip.

00:43:30.000 I know that's how I feel when I'm in the audience and I'm watching a really good comic and they start on a subject.

00:43:35.000 I want them to really explore that subject. 0.99

00:43:37.000 I'm like, there's a lot of shit in that subject. 0.99

00:43:38.000 Let's go in there. 1.00

00:43:39.000 A lot of shit, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:43:39.000 The best guy at that to me when I was coming up was Richard Jenney. 1.00

00:43:43.000 Richard Jenney, I got to see him a bunch of times.

00:43:45.000 I got to see him once before I ever even did stand-up.

00:43:48.000 I was just paying as an audience member.

00:43:51.000 I got to see him at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge.

00:43:53.000 And it was nice because nobody even knew who he was back then.

00:43:55.000 It wasn't even packed.

00:43:57.000 And I sat right on the front. 1.00

00:43:58.000 And the dude would take a subject man and just ring that motherfucker out. 1.00

00:44:03.000 Ring it out! 0.99

00:44:04.000 He would do a subject for like 10 minutes.

00:44:06.000 And then right when you thought it was over, bam!

00:44:08.000 He comes up with something else and more punchlines and more...

00:44:10.000 And it was like...

00:44:11.000 I was in awe.

00:44:12.000 I was like, I don't think anybody does it like that guy.

00:44:14.000 I think that guy's one of the most underappreciated stand-ups.

00:44:17.000 It was Richard Jenny.

00:44:18.000 You know, a lot of people, like, you know, they didn't give him the credit that he deserved because a lot of his premises were, like, kind of common premises.

00:44:26.000 You know, like, you know, common, like, almost like...

00:44:29.000 Talk show host, not talk show host, but like, you know, if you're doing a spot on Letterman.

00:44:33.000 Like, a lot of his premises just fit right into the standard, you know, Letterman spot.

00:44:37.000 But he was so good at writing.

00:44:39.000 His presence was brilliant on stage.

00:44:41.000 Timing.

00:44:41.000 His timing was amazing.

00:44:43.000 He had something that just, you know, and that's a shame.

00:44:46.000 He was in a plane with me just a couple weeks before he killed himself.

00:44:53.000 Just maybe a couple months.

00:44:55.000 Something along those lines.

00:44:57.000 But he was headed to Austin.

00:44:58.000 We were headed to Austin to do Cap City Comedy Club.

00:45:01.000 And he was headed there for a corporate gig.

00:45:03.000 And I got a chance to talk to him a little bit and say hi to him.

00:45:07.000 You know, I mean, you wish you said more.

00:45:09.000 But I've never really had long conversations with the dude.

00:45:13.000 But I always felt like Richard Jennings is always going to be around.

00:45:15.000 I always see him at the improv or whatever and say hi.

00:45:17.000 And he was always friendly.

00:45:18.000 So it's like, you know, you see him there, and you're like, what are you doing?

00:45:20.000 You going to a gig?

00:45:21.000 Oh, cool.

00:45:21.000 What are you doing?

00:45:22.000 Oh, corporate gig?

00:45:22.000 Oh, cool, cool.

00:45:23.000 Yeah, we're doing a comedy club.

00:45:24.000 Oh, all right, man.

00:45:25.000 Have fun.

00:45:25.000 Cool.

00:45:26.000 And that was, like, the conversation, you know?

00:45:27.000 It's like, man, I wish I'd talked to him, you know?

00:45:30.000 I wish I'd picked his brain.

00:45:31.000 I seen Bobcat yesterday at the doctor's office.

00:45:33.000 Oh, yeah?

00:45:34.000 Sure.

00:45:34.000 How's he doing?

00:45:35.000 On the way in, looks completely fucking different. 0.98

00:45:38.000 Really? 0.97

00:45:39.000 Like how?

00:45:40.000 Bald? 0.93

00:45:40.000 Skinny? 0.93

00:45:41.000 Yeah, glasses, weird glasses.

00:45:42.000 And I looked at him at first, and he looked at me, and he's like, I'm like, Bobcat, and...

00:45:49.000 He doesn't do that though.

00:45:50.000 No, he doesn't do that no more.

00:45:51.000 He was a funny comic.

00:45:53.000 But it was good to see him.

00:45:54.000 Bobcat does not get the respect he deserves either because Bobcat was in those Police Academy movies.

00:45:59.000 So people didn't respect him as a comic. 0.94

00:46:01.000 But as a comic, Bobcat was fucking hilarious. 0.96

00:46:04.000 Meet Bob. 0.86

00:46:05.000 Do you remember that CD? That's fucking brilliant. 0.99

00:46:09.000 I never knew he was a comic. 0.99

00:46:10.000 Because I was pre-internet.

00:46:12.000 So I only saw him as that annoying voice.

00:46:14.000 He's still doing it.

00:46:15.000 I think he's still doing it.

00:46:16.000 I worked bananas with him like six years ago.

00:46:18.000 That's what we're talking about.

00:46:19.000 He's like, bananas, that was a long time.

00:46:21.000 Is he still good?

00:46:22.000 I mean, how's his sets now?

00:46:23.000 I think he just works for Kimmel, right?

00:46:25.000 I don't know.

00:46:25.000 So when he does stand-up, he just does it every now and then?

00:46:28.000 Yeah, every now and then.

00:46:29.000 We didn't even talk about it.

00:46:30.000 That's a shame.

00:46:31.000 He was really good.

00:46:31.000 He would have benefited from the internet like crazy, having comedy clips or Twitter at that time.

00:46:36.000 Yeah, totally.

00:46:37.000 I mean, he was that.

00:46:38.000 He was a perfect fit for the internet.

00:46:39.000 If the internet had come along ten years earlier, Bobcat was a perfect fit. 0.99

00:46:43.000 Can you imagine people's careers if Twitter and Facebook and all this shit... 0.85

00:46:46.000 Imagine Richard Pryor at his prime if he had a Facebook page and a Twitter page and everything. 0.94

00:46:51.000 All of them.

00:46:53.000 Imagine Kinnison's Twitter.

00:46:54.000 Oh, wow.

00:46:55.000 It would be every day.

00:46:57.000 Some girl, cut me off! 1.00

00:46:58.000 You fucking whore! 1.00

00:46:59.000 That would be his Twitter every day. 1.00

00:47:02.000 It would be awesome.

00:47:03.000 Yeah, a lot of guys.

00:47:05.000 Back then, unfortunately, there was one avenue.

00:47:07.000 You had to get on television.

00:47:09.000 You had to get on HBO. That would be the big one.

00:47:11.000 Get on one of those comedy specials.

00:47:13.000 But now there's so many avenues and it's so easy now. 0.96

00:47:16.000 I always think about that like I would have been fucked if it wasn't for the internet because I would have been always labeled as a game show host guy. 0.84

00:47:25.000 Nobody would have taken my comedy seriously. 0.97

00:47:27.000 You'd have to see me live to know that I was actually a comic first.

00:47:32.000 I just took Fear Factor for money.

00:47:34.000 Back then, if you did something that wasn't cohesive for a good career, nobody forgave you.

00:47:40.000 You labeled that guy and then they moved on to the next thing.

00:47:45.000 Now, because of the internet, you can completely express yourself.

00:47:49.000 People know exactly who you are.

00:47:50.000 Like this, this podcast.

00:47:53.000 This is like the 26th one that we've done. 1.00

00:47:57.000 By that, people know who the fuck you are. 1.00

00:47:59.000 You are who you are. 1.00

00:48:00.000 You're broadcasting it.

00:48:01.000 Back then, man, you could fake an image. 0.99

00:48:04.000 How many fucking gay guys were straight and they got married and everything and the Hollywood image and the studio pushed an image for them and press people would talk to the press for you and you had a publicist. 1.00

00:48:15.000 Publicists are fucking useless now. 1.00

00:48:17.000 As long as you're Twittering, People know what you really like. 1.00

00:48:19.000 Look at Spencer Pratt and all these fucking people. 0.99

00:48:22.000 Anybody like that. 1.00

00:48:23.000 They become popular and then they just get to talk.

00:48:26.000 You could have a million publicists.

00:48:27.000 It doesn't matter.

00:48:28.000 Everybody's going to know eventually.

00:48:30.000 They're going to compile enough data to know exactly what you really like.

00:48:33.000 They're going to know your lows and your highs.

00:48:35.000 They're going to get to make an honest judgment.

00:48:37.000 Like Google knows everything about us.

00:48:40.000 How about we were talking about this Apple iPhone thing?

00:48:43.000 The iPhone, there's like some new thing where Apple's collecting and sharing iPhone users' precise locations.

00:48:49.000 And this is what it is, an updated version of the privacy policy.

00:48:52.000 The company's added a paragraph noting that once users agree, Apple and unspecified partners and licensees may collect and store user location data.

00:49:03.000 And I see what you're saying.

00:49:05.000 You're saying that it's totally anonymous.

00:49:06.000 And I appreciate that.

00:49:08.000 But you're selling it.

00:49:09.000 You're selling data.

00:49:11.000 You're collecting data on me and you're selling it.

00:49:13.000 Please don't.

00:49:15.000 Yeah, well, there gets to a point where everyone needs to make money.

00:49:18.000 I get that, but the money that they're making when you're doing stuff like this, like these ads, is spammers.

00:49:25.000 You're making money off spammers.

00:49:27.000 You're making money off people who are going to find out where you are and spam the fuck out. 0.59

00:49:30.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:31.000 I mean, probably.

00:49:31.000 That's what it is.

00:49:32.000 I mean, that's what they're doing.

00:49:33.000 They're trying to find out where you're at.

00:49:34.000 Are you buying things?

00:49:35.000 What are you buying?

00:49:35.000 What are you doing?

00:49:36.000 Eventually, your phone is going to be like it is in Japan, too, man.

00:49:38.000 Your phone's going to be money.

00:49:39.000 They're trying to customize, just like everything, customize your shopping experiences and everything.

00:49:46.000 We were talking about satellite radio.

00:49:47.000 I am a huge fan of Pandora, because it kind of makes you a radio station based around what you like.

00:49:54.000 And it keeps on getting...

00:49:56.000 And that streams off your phone, no problem.

00:49:58.000 Right, right.

00:49:58.000 Especially the iPhone, you Bluetooth it right to my car, and it's great.

00:50:03.000 It's like a non-stop...

00:50:04.000 Radio stations, satellite radio, all based right around what you like and don't like.

00:50:09.000 Right, but what I was saying about the phone eventually becoming money, in Japan, you can buy things with your phone.

00:50:15.000 I don't know if you scan it or you send something.

00:50:18.000 I don't know exactly how it works, but it's commonplace.

00:50:21.000 And that's going to happen over here eventually.

00:50:23.000 Oh, totally.

00:50:23.000 And people are going to start hacking it.

00:50:24.000 Now, once they're sharing data and they know where your precise locations are and you're buying things, you're going to get spam on your phone.

00:50:31.000 Something's going to happen. 0.96

00:50:32.000 Once you have a phone on, doesn't whoever the fuck know where you're at? 0.77

00:50:37.000 My point is that why would they be paying for it if they're not going to use it? 1.00

00:50:40.000 If they're going to use it, you're going to get some bullshit. 1.00

00:50:42.000 They shouldn't be able to sell your fucking info. 1.00

00:50:46.000 Unless it's benefiting... 1.00

00:50:48.000 Why would your precise location benefit the company's development?

00:50:52.000 I guess that's something you just have to be like, well, hey, then don't use it.

00:50:54.000 Just like, why would they get us on TV? Really, though?

00:50:56.000 But that seems like a douchey thing.

00:50:58.000 It seems like they're maximizing their profit, and one of the ways they're doing it is by selling your private information.

00:51:04.000 Yeah, but it's not your private information.

00:51:06.000 You just become a number.

00:51:07.000 You become a digit.

00:51:08.000 Right, but they know exactly where you are.

00:51:09.000 What kind of private information?

00:51:11.000 Is it your bank account?

00:51:12.000 I don't know.

00:51:12.000 Or is it no?

00:51:13.000 I think it's...

00:51:13.000 Precise locations.

00:51:14.000 Well, what I think it is is where you go every day, what your interests are. 0.99

00:51:19.000 Like if you call 800 fucking sex lines. 0.99

00:51:22.000 So now when a sex corporation calls AT&T and says, we want to buy names from you of people who use sex lines. 1.00

00:51:29.000 Yeah.

00:51:29.000 Well, you know what?

00:51:30.000 At least AT&T's working.

00:51:32.000 How many times have you gotten a call for a funeral parlor?

00:51:34.000 Ain't nobody dying with me. 1.00

00:51:35.000 If somebody calls you and says you want a dick sucking, at least they're narrowing it down. 0.99

00:51:39.000 Maybe that's what they're selling. 1.00

00:51:41.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:51:42.000 You follow me? 1.00

00:51:43.000 Listen, if you call a gambling, let's say you go to Vegas all the fucking time from LA. What do you go to Vegas for? 0.99

00:51:49.000 Either to get your dick sucked or to fucking gamble if you're a regular consumer. 1.00

00:51:53.000 So maybe that's the data they're collecting. 1.00

00:51:56.000 And when they sell it out there...

00:51:57.000 You know, how many times do you get calls, Joe, from people trying to sell you something?

00:52:01.000 How many emails do you get? 0.84

00:52:02.000 You get a lot of those calls where people want you to change banks and interest rates and shit like that. 1.00

00:52:06.000 Shit like that. 0.99

00:52:07.000 So how do you think they... 1.00

00:52:08.000 You know, it's stupid stuff. 1.00

00:52:10.000 Yeah, somebody sells your phone number. 1.00

00:52:12.000 Yeah, I don't think they sell your pin or your mother's maiden name, guys.

00:52:15.000 I just think they sell your interest.

00:52:17.000 What you be with...

00:52:19.000 It's very annoying when someone calls my house and they have my name and they ask, you know, may I speak to Joe?

00:52:25.000 Are you talking about home phone?

00:52:26.000 Yeah.

00:52:26.000 You know what?

00:52:27.000 Home phones are dead, man.

00:52:29.000 Since I got rid of my home phone like five years ago, I've never had a single stray call ever.

00:52:33.000 Man, I'm a little bit old school.

00:52:35.000 I like to have a home phone number, man.

00:52:37.000 Just in case.

00:52:37.000 Yeah, I don't want to just always be relying on my cell phone.

00:52:40.000 Right.

00:52:41.000 I'm a little old school.

00:52:42.000 You ever go buy a car, and a week after you buy a car, you get an application for a credit card?

00:52:46.000 What do you think that happens?

00:52:47.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 It just happens?

00:52:48.000 I don't get those.

00:52:49.000 The fact that I bought the paper.

00:52:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:52:50.000 Of course, they sold your shit. 1.00

00:52:51.000 You know what's the worst? 1.00

00:52:53.000 It's where they take a car and put it in a mall and it's like, sign up to win this car.

00:52:57.000 That is just the worst thing you could possibly ever do. 0.99

00:53:00.000 Like signing two weeks free at a fucking gym. 1.00

00:53:02.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:03.000 Anything like that. 1.00

00:53:03.000 Anything you see, anything online that you give you information about, you're fucked. 1.00

00:53:07.000 But I always knew they were doing... 1.00

00:53:09.000 See, once 9-11 came, dawg.

00:53:11.000 This became more available.

00:53:13.000 That was what law was passed. 0.99

00:53:15.000 We lost a lot of fucking freedoms that we don't even know we had. 0.98

00:53:18.000 That's why there's people freaking out, but they don't know that. 0.98

00:53:21.000 I don't know if it has to do with 9-11, but you're absolutely right about executive orders that Bush passed and Cheney passed.

00:53:27.000 We lost a lot of freedoms, bro.

00:53:28.000 So this is part of the freedoms that we were losing that people were complaining about.

00:53:32.000 I and you don't know.

00:53:33.000 This couldn't have happened 20 years ago. 1.00

00:53:35.000 That's why you used to get called from Peely Pastapedic trying to sell you a fucking mattress. 0.99

00:53:40.000 And you're like, what are you talking about? 0.99

00:53:41.000 I don't want no mattress because your name just got sold. 0.95

00:53:44.000 Let me ask you this.

00:53:46.000 Why do you think they concentrate on taking rights away? 0.98

00:53:49.000 Do you think they concentrate on taking rights away because they're worried the shit is eventually going to hit the fan and then they're going to have to really figure out how to control people? 0.98

00:53:56.000 So they're going to have to have more regulations, more ways to lock you up? 0.98

00:53:59.000 Why else would they be struggling to try to get more control over people?

00:54:02.000 Why would they be struggling to take away your rights and liberties?

00:54:05.000 Unless there's profit or unless they can control you in some sort of a time of great stress and disaster.

00:54:12.000 I think it's just protection.

00:54:13.000 If you don't murder anyone, you're fine.

00:54:17.000 Okay, that's not true.

00:54:18.000 Because the government can absolutely target people who are enemies of the government.

00:54:21.000 People have taken people out of the Green Party and put them on terrorist watch lists and no-fly lists just because they protest against the war.

00:54:27.000 That's fact.

00:54:28.000 That's already happened.

00:54:29.000 That's already done.

00:54:30.000 So there's no way they're doing it just to protect you.

00:54:33.000 They're doing it to profit.

00:54:35.000 They don't need to protect you like that.

00:54:36.000 If they needed to protect you like that, it would be much more obvious.

00:54:41.000 It's just, at a certain point in time, it's like, how much information is going to be available about... 0.97

00:54:46.000 I mean, right now, I can Google Brian Reichel and find out all kinds of shit about you. 0.93

00:54:50.000 I can Google your name. 0.98

00:54:51.000 I can Google my name.

00:54:52.000 When is it going to be just instantly available to everybody?

00:54:55.000 Not even a Google. 0.94

00:54:57.000 You know, I mean, what the fuck is the next thing? 0.97

00:54:59.000 Joe, it is available. 0.98

00:55:00.000 You think so? 0.98

00:55:00.000 If somebody's a 16-year-old computer hack that knows what the fuck he's doing, it's available to him. 0.98

00:55:06.000 To guys like me, I'm a moron. 0.99

00:55:07.000 I know nothing about the computer. 1.00

00:55:09.000 But there's a kid right now that can press three buttons and he'll call you here with your motherfucking pin number and your phone pin number. 0.99

00:55:14.000 Don't tell me you know nothing about the computer. 0.99

00:55:15.000 I saw you Twitter from your cell phone. 1.00

00:55:17.000 You're a monster. 1.00

00:55:19.000 Me? 1.00

00:55:19.000 You ever Twitter from your cell phone? 1.00

00:55:21.000 Because Brian set it up for me.

00:55:23.000 That's my witness right there.

00:55:26.000 You know what's going to be crazy?

00:55:27.000 FaceTime is going to be crazy.

00:55:28.000 Six months from now, FaceTime hackers are going to bust into your phone and turn on your cameras and just view whatever is going on in your room and listen to whatever you're going to listen to.

00:55:37.000 Do you think that's real?

00:55:38.000 I totally believe it.

00:55:40.000 Totally.

00:55:40.000 Will that be once it hits a network or will it be while it's on 3G? I don't think it matters.

00:55:45.000 I don't think it matters.

00:55:46.000 I think the government could be like, you know what?

00:55:48.000 This is what we're going to do now.

00:55:49.000 We're going to bust, go through AT&T's network. 0.99

00:55:52.000 We're going to fucking use their FaceTime. 0.99

00:55:55.000 Could you imagine the first fucking court case where somebody gets busted doing something? 0.99

00:55:59.000 How about dudes? 0.99

00:56:00.000 How dudes add keystroke things to their wives' computers to find out where their wife's going, meeting up with their ex-boyfriend, and shit like that. 0.99

00:56:07.000 You always hear things like that.

00:56:08.000 The guy put a keystroke on a...

00:56:09.000 Guys who are stalkers, they want to find out what you're doing.

00:56:11.000 Yeah, if you have a girlfriend that you want to stalk, you know...

00:56:15.000 Here's something completely easy to do that I thought of the other day.

00:56:18.000 Brian, why are you giving out stalking information?

00:56:19.000 Well, no, I'm just...

00:56:20.000 You don't stalk, do you?

00:56:21.000 No, I totally don't stalk.

00:56:22.000 Have you ever stalked?

00:56:23.000 Never stalked.

00:56:23.000 You were thinking about it, though.

00:56:25.000 Never?

00:56:25.000 Not even when you were a young kid?

00:56:26.000 Never drove by a girl's house? 1.00

00:56:27.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:56:28.000 Like, drove in.

00:56:28.000 Not, like, did anything crazy.

00:56:30.000 Did you put it in the windows? 0.99

00:56:31.000 I just masturbated in the car and cried. 0.99

00:56:33.000 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:56:34.000 That's cool.

00:56:35.000 That's normal.

00:56:36.000 Say your girlfriend has an iPhone.

00:56:38.000 You set up that where are you now location thing on her mobile meet.

00:56:41.000 Oh my goodness.

00:56:42.000 And then if you just log in and you know her password, you could always check on where exactly your girlfriend or wife is.

00:56:48.000 That's just wrong, dude.

00:56:49.000 Don't do that.

00:56:49.000 And then you could send her messages like...

00:56:52.000 Hey, I see you with him.

00:56:54.000 See, if Orange Juice Jones had that option, that song would have never come out. 0.99

00:56:58.000 And him, I flat out busted you and shit. 0.99

00:57:01.000 Now, for a word from our sponsor. 0.99

00:57:03.000 Hit it, Joe Rogan.

00:57:05.000 You were holding hands and I'd never be the same.

00:57:10.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

00:57:13.000 What does he say?

00:57:16.000 I missed you so much today.

00:57:17.000 I missed you so much, I followed you.

00:57:20.000 Remember?

00:57:21.000 He said something like that to him.

00:57:23.000 Please pull that up, Brian.

00:57:24.000 Pull that up and turn that on.

00:57:25.000 That is the greatest rap of all time.

00:57:28.000 I followed you.

00:57:30.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:57:30.000 You stone cold busted. 0.97

00:57:31.000 Close your mouth. 1.00

00:57:32.000 He says a bunch of shit to him. 1.00

00:57:33.000 What are you even singing? 1.00

00:57:34.000 Orange Juice Jones.

00:57:35.000 Orange Juice Jones.

00:57:36.000 I Saw You.

00:57:38.000 Just press Orange Juice Jones.

00:57:40.000 He only had one song. 0.98

00:57:41.000 It don't fucking matter. 0.99

00:57:41.000 Orange Juice Jones. 0.99

00:57:42.000 Just go right to it.

00:57:43.000 There's like one appearance with him on Soul Train where you're singing something that nobody remembers.

00:57:46.000 That's it. 1.00

00:57:47.000 But I Saw You and Him Walking Through the Rain is the shit. 1.00

00:57:49.000 It's the shit. 1.00

00:57:50.000 It's the greatest rap song at the end. 1.00

00:57:52.000 I Saw You.

00:57:53.000 And him.

00:57:55.000 Walking in the rain. 1.00

00:57:56.000 Shut your mouth, you cold, flat bastard. 1.00

00:57:59.000 I loved you so much, I followed you. 1.00

00:58:01.000 Wasn't it Silly Rabbit, Tricks It For Kids?

00:58:03.000 Yeah, that's what it came from. 0.96

00:58:04.000 Silly Rabbit, Tricks It For Kids.

00:58:06.000 Okay, we have it? 0.94

00:58:06.000 Yeah, I'm waiting for it. 0.94

00:58:07.000 There's a commercial before that video.

00:58:09.000 What is that?

00:58:10.000 Stop this.

00:58:11.000 Why are they 30 seconds now?

00:58:12.000 I tolerate your 15 second commercials. 1.00

00:58:15.000 If you give me a fucking 30-second commercial before I watch a YouTube clip with a dog that's barking, okay, some fucking 10-second video, I swear to God, I will stop buying your product. 0.99

00:58:28.000 15-second commercials is good. 1.00

00:58:30.000 Stop being greedy.

00:58:31.000 30-second Microsoft Windows.

00:58:37.000 Go, Joey.

00:58:38.000 This is old, old-school 1984. Was it 84?

00:58:41.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:58:57.000 You need a video too because the video is ridiculous. 1.00

00:58:59.000 This is what you people get in the afternoons.

00:59:04.000 Can you show the video?

00:59:07.000 Look at that dancing.

00:59:08.000 Look at that dude move.

00:59:10.000 Pip style.

00:59:11.000 I wonder what he's doing today.

00:59:12.000 I know, we gotta look him up after.

00:59:14.000 Barnes Juice Jones.

00:59:15.000 In Dorchester, he's probably doing some nightclub, an appearance.

00:59:21.000 You got it perfect.

00:59:26.000 You were holding hands and I'll never be the same.

00:59:32.000 Oh yeah, people. 1.00

00:59:33.000 Podcast motherfuckers. 1.00

00:59:34.000 Oh shit. 1.00

00:59:35.000 Fourth of July, baby. 1.00

00:59:37.000 Hit it. 0.99

00:59:38.000 Wait until he gets mad at her when he packs up all his shit and then he has a conversation with her at the end. 0.99

00:59:42.000 Well, he breaks it down. 0.99

00:59:44.000 Breaks it down. 1.00

00:59:45.000 Let's a bitch know. 1.00

00:59:46.000 Throw some strong pimp game. 1.00

00:59:48.000 You can speed it up, buddy.

00:59:49.000 No, no, no.

00:59:50.000 You don't need to.

00:59:50.000 Okay.

00:59:51.000 Come on, man.

00:59:52.000 People can live.

00:59:53.000 Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

00:59:57.000 Look at him. 0.99

00:59:59.000 That's a real black man right there. 0.99

01:00:00.000 Very few white dudes will floss with their clothes like a black guy does. 1.00

01:00:06.000 Very few white guys dress like that and wear fucking furs and suits and shit like that. 1.00

01:00:10.000 Someone's got to come along and do that. 1.00

01:00:12.000 Why doesn't some white guy start wearing crazy suits and furs and shit like that? 1.00

01:00:18.000 Big fucking diamonds, but sing like totally white-oriented music. 1.00

01:00:21.000 John Meyer. 1.00

01:00:22.000 Can you imagine if John Meyer started dressing in furs? 1.00

01:00:26.000 Furs and diamonds and shit, big fat pinky rings, and a fucking cane with a dragon's head on it, a silver cane. 0.99

01:00:35.000 I mean, why not, dude? 1.00

01:00:37.000 That guy has fucked every famous woman on the planet. 1.00

01:00:40.000 He might as well just go all out. 1.00

01:00:43.000 Just go straight pimp style. 1.00

01:00:44.000 Have a fucking diamond-encrusted staff. 1.00

01:00:47.000 Here it is. 1.00

01:01:17.000 To a Rambo! 0.99

01:01:20.000 Pull out the jammy and flat blast both of you.

01:01:25.000 $3,700 LYNX code!

01:01:28.000 $3,700 in 1984.

01:01:30.000 That's 10 G's there.

01:01:32.000 Oh my goodness, my credit card!

01:01:41.000 My charge counts?

01:01:42.000 Yeah.

01:01:49.000 Check it out.

01:01:50.000 Now, I can't give you nothing but advice.

01:02:17.000 Thank you.

01:02:20.000 Look, she's on the street now. 0.99

01:02:23.000 Look at that.

01:02:24.000 Cars driving by. 0.99

01:02:25.000 Silly rabbit tricks are for kids. 0.93

01:02:37.000 Thank you. 0.99

01:02:38.000 Without me you're like cornflake without the milk.

01:02:42.000 You just squirrel trying to get a nut.

01:02:44.000 It's my word.

01:02:45.000 God, I forgot all about that.

01:02:46.000 That was beautiful.

01:02:48.000 Beautiful, though.

01:02:49.000 That was amazing. 0.99

01:02:49.000 Damn. 0.99

01:02:50.000 Beautiful. 1.00

01:02:50.000 Half that song was like R. Kelly. 1.00

01:02:52.000 Oh, beautiful.

01:02:53.000 Wow, that's the original R. Kelly.

01:02:55.000 Yeah, he's the original R. Kelly. 0.99

01:02:56.000 Except R. Kelly's much more ridiculous. 0.97

01:02:57.000 This guy doesn't have the internet. 0.99

01:02:58.000 See, they showed him pissing on people. 1.00

01:03:00.000 R. Kelly is so much more ridiculous. 0.99

01:03:02.000 R. Kelly's the best. 1.00

01:03:03.000 That video that you guys sent me was fucking amazing. 0.94

01:03:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:06.000 When he's yelling at us, saying shit on the phone. 1.00

01:03:09.000 You know, what is it about black culture where the black guy never loses? 0.99

01:03:13.000 In black culture, and like, not all, obviously, but in shit like this, like these kind of songs, and like the R. Kelly type songs, or like Superfly movies or something like that, there's something about never losing. 0.98

01:03:25.000 You know, you can't get me. 0.97

01:03:27.000 I already planned this out.

01:03:29.000 It's like something about being clever.

01:03:30.000 Like, have you ever listened to the Superfly?

01:03:31.000 You ever watched Superfly?

01:03:32.000 The best.

01:03:33.000 One of the greatest blaxploitation movies ever. 1.00

01:03:35.000 But the end is so fucking dumb. 1.00

01:03:38.000 I took out a hit on you. 1.00

01:03:40.000 So if anything happens to me, you're dead. 1.00

01:03:42.000 Like, damn, he got him! 1.00

01:03:43.000 He got the man! 1.00

01:03:44.000 He planned in advance!

01:03:46.000 There's something... 1.00

01:03:46.000 You get him in the face of a garbage can and shit. 1.00

01:03:49.000 Oh, it's so ridiculous, man. 1.00

01:03:51.000 Those old blaxploitation movies were awesome. 0.97

01:03:53.000 But there's something about that, you know, this oppressed culture that just wants to win no matter what, you know?

01:03:58.000 I don't think white people will ever understand that.

01:04:00.000 You'll never understand. 0.79

01:04:02.000 Never understand what that's like.

01:04:04.000 To be an Orange Juice Jones.

01:04:06.000 I mean, that's why white people can't wear those lynx coats. 1.00

01:04:10.000 You know, who's that kid in Miami? 0.85

01:04:11.000 There's that one kid who's like a beat maker.

01:04:14.000 He's made a bunch of beats for like really famous hip-hop artists.

01:04:17.000 And he made millions of dollars, but then he wound up blowing it all on cocaine.

01:04:21.000 There's a big article about him.

01:04:22.000 And I think it was Esquire.

01:04:24.000 Esquire or GQ? Big article about him recently.

01:04:26.000 No idea.

01:04:27.000 Some famous beat guy.

01:04:28.000 I'm sure if you go look on it.

01:04:29.000 Where's Orange Juice Jones now?

01:04:30.000 Did he die?

01:04:31.000 Hey, Dorchester, bro.

01:04:33.000 Can you imagine if he just works at a grocery store now, but he still goes, I'm Orange Juice Jones, and I recommend this orange juice.

01:04:40.000 Like he uses it.

01:04:42.000 I wonder if he has.

01:04:43.000 Let's Google.

01:04:44.000 Google Orange Juice Jones.

01:04:46.000 Where is he today?

01:04:47.000 Yeah, I bet he's got a website and a community.

01:04:49.000 Hey, check my Twitter!

01:04:50.000 I told you, woman.

01:04:52.000 Scott Storch.

01:04:53.000 Thank you very much.

01:04:54.000 A-Y-K-O-7.

01:04:57.000 Oh, another guy got it.

01:04:58.000 Get down.

01:04:58.000 Dude, I mobile-med you.

01:05:00.000 I ticked your iPhone.

01:05:01.000 I found out where you is.

01:05:03.000 Yeah, I miss you so much, I followed you.

01:05:05.000 Ooh. 0.99

01:05:06.000 Silly rabbit. 0.98

01:05:07.000 See, in those days, it really wasn't following. 0.99

01:05:10.000 It wasn't even stalking.

01:05:11.000 Yeah, you were allowed to. 1.00

01:05:13.000 Well, you had to because you couldn't just text somebody and say, where are you, bitch? 1.00

01:05:17.000 Those days, man, guys must have just had extra families all over the place. 0.99

01:05:23.000 All right, I found him.

01:05:24.000 Where was he?

01:05:24.000 Alex, after Jones failed to have significant follow-up success, he left the music industry to tend to his terminally ill mother and raise a family.

01:05:33.000 He helps his son, Orin2, not Orin1, Orin2, better known as Mookie, with his rap career.

01:05:39.000 In addition to producing and scoring music for commercials and independent movies, Jones also contributes to a number of hip-hop blogs, including Houston's JustFlippin.com or Global Grind.

01:05:51.000 That's it.

01:05:52.000 Wow.

01:05:53.000 Well, now we know about Orange Juice Jones. 0.99

01:05:55.000 He's fucking out there in the community. 0.99

01:05:57.000 That's right. 1.00

01:05:57.000 Keeping shit popping. 1.00

01:05:58.000 He should have done stand-up comedy if he wrote those lyrics, you know? 1.00

01:06:02.000 Because that sounds pretty funny.

01:06:04.000 I think you would have to be funny on purpose.

01:06:06.000 No, that wasn't funny on purpose.

01:06:08.000 It seemed kind of humorous.

01:06:09.000 No, I don't think so.

01:06:11.000 Humorous in like, yeah, got you.

01:06:13.000 Yeah.

01:06:13.000 But it's not your type of way.

01:06:16.000 What you're laughing at is not...

01:06:18.000 He doesn't understand what you're laughing at. 0.98

01:06:20.000 You're laughing at it because it's ridiculous. 1.00

01:06:23.000 What the fuck are you laughing at when I'm talking to my woman? 1.00

01:06:25.000 Fine clothes, coochies, diamonds. 1.00

01:06:28.000 $3,700 links.

01:06:31.000 That's just brilliant.

01:06:32.000 That's poetry.

01:06:33.000 It is, but you have to really mean it in order for it to be poetry.

01:06:36.000 If you're just pretending...

01:06:37.000 There was that black exploitation parody that came out recently with Michael John White.

01:06:43.000 I didn't hear anything about it.

01:06:44.000 But I didn't have a desire to see it because they were trying to pretend.

01:06:49.000 They were making a fake movie.

01:06:51.000 They were doing it on purpose. 0.99

01:06:52.000 They were acting ridiculous on purpose. 0.99

01:06:54.000 It's only funny if you're acting ridiculous... 0.98

01:06:57.000 And you think it's cool. 0.99

01:06:59.000 It's not funny if you're trying to be funny acting ridiculous. 0.97

01:07:02.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.85

01:07:03.000 It's like, I mean, it's funny.

01:07:04.000 I mean, it's okay.

01:07:05.000 But it's never as funny as someone who really, you know, I saw you.

01:07:09.000 Sit down, baby.

01:07:11.000 It's way more funny when he's real.

01:07:13.000 Like R. Kelly.

01:07:14.000 That's the genius of the R. Kelly video is that that guy really thinks that way.

01:07:18.000 I guarantee why Orange Juice Joe's went into the studio and started saying that. 0.99

01:07:22.000 People in the studio were like, What the fuck is he doing? 0.97

01:07:24.000 Man, I know what I'm doing, alright? 1.00

01:07:26.000 Let me just lay this shit down on this bitch, alright? 1.00

01:07:29.000 And they were like, bro, it ain't gonna work. 1.00

01:07:30.000 Watch my shit! 1.00

01:07:31.000 And he just said it, and he goes, I said it's staying. 1.00

01:07:34.000 They argued for a little while.

01:07:35.000 I wonder when people break up with Orange Juice Jones, they're like, what are you gonna do, walk in the rain? 1.00

01:07:39.000 You're fucking retarded. 1.00

01:07:40.000 It's over. 1.00

01:07:42.000 You know, like... 1.00

01:07:42.000 What are you gonna write a song about me, asshole? 1.00

01:07:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:45.000 Move on with your life. 1.00

01:07:47.000 Keep me out of your shitty fucking CDs. 1.00

01:07:48.000 I saw you walking in the rain. 1.00

01:07:54.000 Have you ever had a girl tell you to not talk about her in your act?

01:07:57.000 Did you see that other thing Stanhope wrote about Bobby Barnett? 1.00

01:08:00.000 You know, he's got that joke about this chick Bobby Barnett that fucked him that's like way too hot to fuck him. 1.00

01:08:04.000 But she fucked him. 1.00

01:08:06.000 And, you know, he's like, you can't take that back. 1.00

01:08:08.000 A thousand repo men can't take that back, Bobby Barnett. 1.00

01:08:11.000 You fucked me. 1.00

01:08:11.000 And he put it in his... 1.00

01:08:13.000 To take the edge off.

01:08:14.000 It was like his closing bit.

01:08:15.000 Well, apparently this chick contacted him.

01:08:17.000 It's on...

01:08:17.000 If you go to DougStanhope.com, it's on his website.

01:08:19.000 It's one of his blogs.

01:08:20.000 This chick contacted him. 1.00

01:08:21.000 You know, she's like, you sick fuck. 1.00

01:08:23.000 I'm a born again Christian now. 1.00

01:08:24.000 And all this... 1.00

01:08:25.000 And so he wrote this fucking, basically a new bit explaining, fuck me, you can't take that back. 0.99

01:08:31.000 Like he redid the bit, like even funnier, in a blog, you know, talking about times and things that have happened and what, you know, I always wondered what you were, you know, what you're up to these days. 0.99

01:08:40.000 The where are you now, you know, screen that plays in my mind.

01:08:43.000 Very funny, man. 0.99

01:08:44.000 Very funny shit. 0.99

01:08:46.000 You never had a chick tell you not to talk about her in your act? 1.00

01:08:49.000 I had one chick get mad because she 99.9% positive cheated on me. 1.00

01:08:56.000 She went away and she went on vacation and she got fucking rug burn on her back. 0.98

01:09:02.000 She went to Florida to visit her cousin. 1.00

01:09:04.000 Her cousin's a whore. 1.00

01:09:06.000 She went to visit her cousin in Florida. 1.00

01:09:07.000 She had fucking rug burn on her back. 0.99

01:09:09.000 I had my hand on her back and I felt something. 1.00

01:09:11.000 I pulled up her skirt. 1.00

01:09:12.000 I turned around.

01:09:13.000 I looked at her. 1.00

01:09:13.000 I go, what the fuck is on your back? 1.00

01:09:15.000 And she goes, I was drinking. 1.00

01:09:17.000 Oh, I was drinking and I was leaning against this thing and there was like a nail on it.

01:09:21.000 I go, there's a nail.

01:09:22.000 I go, a nail did that?

01:09:23.000 I go, you didn't feel the nail?

01:09:24.000 You just kept rubbing your back back and forth on the nail.

01:09:27.000 I go, that's not carpet brand?

01:09:29.000 What are you saying?

01:09:30.000 What are you saying? 1.00

01:09:31.000 I'm saying somebody fucked you. 1.00

01:09:32.000 No! 1.00

01:09:33.000 No!

01:09:33.000 I go, okay.

01:09:34.000 You're saying that no one fucked you? 0.99

01:09:36.000 He goes, no, it's not carpet burn. 0.99

01:09:38.000 I told you.

01:09:39.000 I was drinking.

01:09:40.000 I don't know what I was doing.

01:09:41.000 And I was like leaning against this thing. 1.00

01:09:43.000 I was like, this crazy lying bitch. 1.00

01:09:45.000 It was like the dumbest lie ever. 1.00

01:09:47.000 Like this dumb whore didn't even know that she had this fucking scab on her back from getting fucked so hard. 1.00

01:09:52.000 Probably in the dirt somewhere. 1.00

01:09:54.000 Crazy bitch. 1.00

01:09:55.000 She was probably on a fucking asphalt parking lot. 1.00

01:09:58.000 Probably broken glass. 1.00

01:09:59.000 Construction site.

01:09:59.000 I was young.

01:10:00.000 I was like 21. 21 or 22. I think.

01:10:03.000 I might have been a little older. 0.95

01:10:05.000 But it was ridiculous. 0.72

01:10:07.000 But I'd already cheated on her, so I didn't care. 0.73

01:10:09.000 She was like, it was a bad relationship.

01:10:10.000 I didn't enjoy it.

01:10:11.000 It wasn't a fun one.

01:10:12.000 But she came to a comedy show that night with me, you know, after she got back.

01:10:18.000 All right, get your clothes on, this and that.

01:10:19.000 And we went and we left. 0.99

01:10:20.000 I don't even remember if I fucked her. 1.00

01:10:22.000 Probably not. 0.99

01:10:23.000 Because I was probably grossed out.

01:10:24.000 But I took her to my comedy show.

01:10:26.000 She wanted to come with me, and she was planning on it. 0.98

01:10:27.000 So I got on stage and immediately go into the whole fucking story about my girlfriend going to, you know, spring break and coming back with rug burn. 0.96

01:10:36.000 And I had, you know, like what, you know, I had like a what's worse. 0.98

01:10:39.000 And then I put that one out.

01:10:40.000 Like, how would you react to that one?

01:10:42.000 And then I tell the whole story. 0.99

01:10:43.000 She was fucking furious. 0.99

01:10:45.000 She was so mad. 1.00

01:10:46.000 She's like, if you don't fucking believe me. 0.99

01:10:48.000 I go, I believe you. 0.99

01:10:49.000 But it's funny.

01:10:50.000 It's just a joke. 0.99

01:10:51.000 I'm just pretending that you really did fuck somebody on stage. 0.99

01:10:54.000 The best thing about Facebook is finding your old babysitter. 0.99

01:11:00.000 I remember this babysitter was just fucking hot. 0.98

01:11:03.000 And she's still pretty hot. 1.00

01:11:05.000 Now she's divorced. 0.99

01:11:06.000 Did she touch you? 1.00

01:11:06.000 She never touched me, but what she let me do is she let me put my head in her crotch like sleep. 1.00

01:11:12.000 In her crotch, you know what I mean? 1.00

01:11:14.000 And then I would move my head around and she would kind of squeeze my head. 0.99

01:11:19.000 Grind up against her.

01:11:19.000 Oh my god.

01:11:21.000 I just remember it was so fucking hard. 0.91

01:11:22.000 How old were you? 0.55

01:11:23.000 I'd probably say 11, 10. Sniff a pussy? 1.00

01:11:27.000 Sniff a pussy? 1.00

01:11:28.000 He was giving her a fucking forehead job. 1.00

01:11:30.000 Sniff a monkey through the shorts. 1.00

01:11:32.000 I remember she would just have the blanket over her and be watching TV and I'd be underneath the blanket just doing whatever I wanted to.

01:11:38.000 Oh my god.

01:11:39.000 And then there was this one time, I remember it was the best feeling in the world. 0.99

01:11:43.000 I remember I climbed up, put my hands on both sides of her tits and just laid on top of her. 1.00

01:11:49.000 Did she let you do that? 0.99

01:11:50.000 Yeah, it was great.

01:11:51.000 So anyways, I found her on Facebook. 0.98

01:11:52.000 That chick is crazy. 1.00

01:11:53.000 She's a fucking child molester. 1.00

01:11:55.000 You're 10 years old. 1.00

01:11:56.000 She's making you eat her box. 1.00

01:11:57.000 Dude, she's fucking hot. 1.00

01:11:58.000 It doesn't matter. 1.00

01:11:59.000 It's like your bit. 0.99

01:12:00.000 I fucking loved it. 0.95

01:12:01.000 It was the greatest thing in the whole entire world. 0.96

01:12:03.000 What do you think it is? 0.98

01:12:04.000 Do you think that she's just a total attention whore and she just couldn't help anybody touch her? 1.00

01:12:08.000 I think she was probably 16 or 18 and she was just like, okay, this is great. 0.99

01:12:14.000 Wow.

01:12:14.000 Anyways, I found her on Facebook and she's still kind of hot.

01:12:16.000 And she's divorced, so I said, hey, we should get drinks sometime.

01:12:18.000 Wouldn't that be cool?

01:12:20.000 Where's she live now? 0.99

01:12:21.000 Huh?

01:12:22.000 Where's she live? 0.81

01:12:25.000 Delaware.

01:12:27.000 You've been to Delaware?

01:12:28.000 I've been to Maryland. 1.00

01:12:29.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:12:31.000 Are you planning on trying to bang this chick? 1.00

01:12:32.000 No, but I think that would be kind of hot. 0.99

01:12:34.000 To bang her? 0.99

01:12:35.000 To bang the... 0.96

01:12:36.000 You know, we started something 30 years ago.

01:12:39.000 Ah!

01:12:41.000 That would be the longest relationship I've ever had.

01:12:43.000 So she would only be like five years older than you.

01:12:45.000 So she'd be like 40, you think?

01:12:48.000 Yeah, she was something like that. 0.96

01:12:49.000 So 40. So it's probably still lubing up itself.

01:12:51.000 Yeah.

01:12:52.000 Still works.

01:12:52.000 Just do it once.

01:12:53.000 Get in and out.

01:12:54.000 See what it's all about.

01:12:55.000 What if you got her pregnant? 1.00

01:12:56.000 Got her pregnant and then we both molested our girl with child. 0.98

01:13:00.000 No, that's not funny.

01:13:02.000 I'm just kidding.

01:13:04.000 See, you just did what we were talking about earlier.

01:13:06.000 I'm just kidding.

01:13:07.000 That was completely...

01:13:08.000 That's disgusting.

01:13:09.000 Yeah, I know. 0.90

01:13:09.000 How rude. 0.90

01:13:10.000 Self-evaluate.

01:13:11.000 What if she fell in love with you?

01:13:13.000 Dude, what if she's always been in love with me?

01:13:15.000 I don't know why I did that when you were 11, but now I do know.

01:13:18.000 I know.

01:13:18.000 We were meant to be.

01:13:19.000 I know.

01:13:21.000 It's so hot.

01:13:22.000 How gross is the... 0.99

01:13:23.000 When someone says we were meant to be together and you just want to get the fuck away from them. 0.99

01:13:27.000 We were meant to be together, you can't see that? 0.96

01:13:30.000 And you're like, oh my god, do you know how much you annoy me? 0.99

01:13:33.000 Do you know how much I can't wait to get the fuck away from you and tell me we're meant to be together? 0.99

01:13:37.000 Some people just want someone... 0.99

01:13:39.000 They get so poisoned by music and songs and stories that they want it to work out the way it does in the movies.

01:13:47.000 They want it to be like that.

01:13:48.000 They want it to be some special person in their life.

01:13:50.000 So even if it's not a special connection that you have with some person, they pretend it is.

01:13:54.000 Because that's what they've always wanted. 0.99

01:13:55.000 They want to be in a fucking Sandra Bullock movie, right? 1.00

01:13:57.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

01:14:00.000 It's tough action, man. 1.00

01:14:01.000 I can't stop thinking about my babysitter's tits. 1.00

01:14:06.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00

01:14:07.000 Did you ever play doctor or do any of that creepy shit when you were a child? 1.00

01:14:10.000 I had a 21-year-old chick that used to grab my dick when I was 13. I didn't actually fuck her, but she would make out with me, I would tongue kiss her, and she would grab my dick. 1.00

01:14:18.000 Wow. 1.00

01:14:18.000 I was gonna fuck her, but I couldn't get it up. 1.00

01:14:21.000 I was totally paranoid and panicked. 1.00

01:14:24.000 I didn't know exactly what was going on.

01:14:26.000 I had never even orgasmed before. 0.79

01:14:28.000 I'd never masturbated before. 0.93

01:14:29.000 Nothing. 0.97

01:14:30.000 So I went from nothing to this woman.

01:14:32.000 She was 21. She had tits and an ass. 1.00

01:14:34.000 And she had a boyfriend who was a construction worker who was this fucking big manly dude with hairy chest. 1.00

01:14:41.000 And he would be doing his fucking construction work, bare-chested, like, in the neighborhood. 1.00

01:14:44.000 And I was like, this was her boyfriend. 1.00

01:14:46.000 And this bitch was a... 1.00

01:14:48.000 Right. 1.00

01:14:48.000 Apparently, anybody could fuck her. 1.00

01:14:50.000 All you had to do was ask. 1.00

01:14:51.000 Oh, that's nice. 1.00

01:14:51.000 And she would just let the whole neighborhood just fuck her. 1.00

01:14:53.000 You know, she was just completely insane. 1.00

01:14:55.000 And she had me come over when I was like 13. And I was like, there's no way this is really going to happen.

01:14:59.000 She's fucking 21. I'm 13. How is she even living at home? 1.00

01:15:02.000 All these thoughts are going through my head, right? 1.00

01:15:04.000 Next thing you know, she's grabbing my dick and she's sucking my tongue. 1.00

01:15:06.000 Wow. 1.00

01:15:07.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:15:08.000 Damn. 1.00

01:15:09.000 This crazy bitch wants to fuck me and I'm 13. Yeah. 1.00

01:15:12.000 Wow.

01:15:12.000 That's awesome.

01:15:13.000 There's a lot of those chicks out there, man. 1.00

01:15:15.000 I used to take...

01:15:15.000 Me and my friend would take all the neighborhood girls.

01:15:18.000 There was like four of them.

01:15:19.000 And we'd line them up and make them all take off their pants. 1.00

01:15:22.000 And then we'd stick pencils in them and smell them.

01:15:24.000 And my friend was like...

01:15:26.000 He was more... 1.00

01:15:28.000 You put pencils in their pussies? 1.00

01:15:29.000 Yeah, we do things like that. 0.99

01:15:30.000 It was like playing doctor or something like that. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Dude, you're fucking crazy. 1.00

01:15:33.000 You know how many girls you must have given use infections and shit? 1.00

01:15:36.000 Pencils in your pussy. 1.00

01:15:37.000 Pencils in your pussy. 1.00

01:15:38.000 Lead poisoning. 1.00

01:15:39.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:15:39.000 What did you grow fucking up in? 1.00

01:15:41.000 The fucking sexiest neighborhood in the whole entire world. 1.00

01:15:43.000 It was the sexiest neighborhood in the whole entire world. 1.00

01:15:48.000 Pencils up your snatch. 1.00

01:15:49.000 I tried to fuck my cousin once. 1.00

01:15:50.000 She wasn't really my cousin. 1.00

01:15:51.000 She was like, you know when your parents are tight with somebody?

01:15:54.000 Right, right, right.

01:15:55.000 And I found her on Facebook too.

01:15:57.000 And then when she didn't reply back to me, I started thinking about all those times and I used to give her a stab and I was like 11 and she was like 9. I would feel her stomach the next moment to see if she was pregnant. 0.97

01:16:06.000 I was fucking retarded. 1.00

01:16:07.000 You were banging her when you were 11? 1.00

01:16:09.000 I would go down to Miami for the summers.

01:16:11.000 And you were banging her? 1.00

01:16:12.000 Well, banging her. 1.00

01:16:12.000 You put your dick in your ass and you're pumped like a cat. 1.00

01:16:15.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:16:15.000 So you didn't actually get it in there? 1.00

01:16:17.000 Who knew?

01:16:18.000 You started sex at 11? 0.88

01:16:20.000 Like real sex? 0.99

01:16:21.000 Then I had sex. 0.99

01:16:22.000 Real sad. 1.00

01:16:22.000 And then I had another girl that had hair on her pussy. 1.00

01:16:27.000 She lived in the Bronx. 1.00

01:16:29.000 And I would go up there to spend it with her and her family on the weekends and I'd give her a little fucking malooka. 1.00

01:16:33.000 The girl that I told you that had a bunch of abortions, I was very young. 0.99

01:16:37.000 By the time I got older, she had all the abortions. 0.99

01:16:39.000 But when I was young, I tainted her, and this girl, all you have to do is touch her tits. 1.00

01:16:44.000 Just touch them. 0.99

01:16:44.000 And she would start freaking out and go like this. 0.99

01:16:49.000 I don't know what it was.

01:16:51.000 And I thought that would happen with other girls, too. 0.99

01:16:54.000 And you touch their tits, and they're like, yeah? 1.00

01:16:56.000 Okay, touching my tits. 1.00

01:16:57.000 Come on, let's keep going. 0.99

01:16:59.000 But it wasn't the same effect. 1.00

01:17:00.000 I'm like, are your tits broken? 0.99

01:17:01.000 Like, what's... 1.00

01:17:02.000 I'm grabbing your tit. 0.98

01:17:03.000 Why aren't you freaking out? 1.00

01:17:05.000 She would go into spasms. 1.00

01:17:09.000 Just touching her tits. 1.00

01:17:12.000 Catholic school. 1.00

01:17:13.000 That's what that shit was. 1.00

01:17:14.000 I would get new babysitters and I thought they were all the same. 1.00

01:17:16.000 So I would get a new one and she'd walk in and I would smack her in the ass. 1.00

01:17:18.000 She'd be like, what is that? 1.00

01:17:20.000 That happened to me with the girl who molested me when she was 21 and I was 13. I started playing with real girls after that, like my age.

01:17:30.000 And when they're my age, I'm trying to try to grab their ass or something. 1.00

01:17:33.000 They'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:17:35.000 I'm like, I thought we were going to do what boys and girls do. 0.99

01:17:37.000 Isn't this what...

01:17:39.000 They didn't have nothing to do with it. 1.00

01:17:40.000 They're like, you can't just jump right into fingering me, you crazy asshole. 1.00

01:17:46.000 That's the problem with any early sexual experience. 1.00

01:17:49.000 If you're having a sexual experience with someone who's older than you, you're just jumping right into the pool.

01:17:54.000 So all your contemporaries, everyone's going to go through this trial and error process.

01:17:59.000 It's normally 15-year-olds and 16-year-olds and whatever.

01:18:01.000 They just start playing with each other, but they're doing it all together. 1.00

01:18:05.000 And you just hop right into someone sucking your dick, some crazy bitch that fucks everybody on the block. 1.00

01:18:10.000 And you're like, what? 1.00

01:18:10.000 So this is what we do? 1.00

01:18:11.000 We just start fucking? 1.00

01:18:12.000 And we go from nothing to hanging out with this whore? 1.00

01:18:15.000 It's funny, the first girl I ever tongue kissed, I found on Facebook recently, and she is the biggest white piece of trash ever, and she's got like a hundred kids, and she lives in Florida, and we found a video of her, and she's like, oh, I don't know who's talking about Snoop Dogg, but I don't... 1.00

01:18:32.000 And she was fat, and it was like this dream girl that I think about all the time in my head, like frozen in my head, and now I see her, and I'm like, oh my god, that is so awful. 0.98

01:18:42.000 Yeah.

01:18:42.000 It's funny when you look back on the different types of people that you kind of experiment with when you first start dating.

01:18:49.000 You know, when you're young, and you don't even know what the fuck you like, and all of a sudden you catch yourself out with some chick who's just completely nuts. 0.99

01:18:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:55.000 Think about how many fucking nutty bitches you dated in your life, Joey Diaz. 1.00

01:18:58.000 One that showed up at Rascals Down the Shore. 1.00

01:19:01.000 Oh.

01:19:01.000 In between shows, and she weighed 400 pounds.

01:19:03.000 It looks like she had air tanks. 0.98

01:19:05.000 She called Rascals the night before.

01:19:08.000 Yeah?

01:19:08.000 Joey, you don't remember me from the sixth grade?

01:19:10.000 Yeah, Marjorie. 1.00

01:19:11.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:19:12.000 Come on down. 1.00

01:19:13.000 That bitch showed up. 1.00

01:19:14.000 That bitch was 480. Oh, my God. 1.00

01:19:16.000 Tipping the scales at a nickel.

01:19:18.000 And you should have seen me backpedaling.

01:19:19.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:19:20.000 Because on the phone, I was like, yeah, I'm going to suck your fucking shit. 1.00

01:19:22.000 Oh, no. 1.00

01:19:22.000 You were saying that? 1.00

01:19:23.000 Yeah.

01:19:24.000 Oh, come down. 1.00

01:19:24.000 I can't wait to fuck you and all this shit. 1.00

01:19:26.000 She didn't tell you. 1.00

01:19:27.000 We should have fucked 10 years ago. 0.99

01:19:28.000 But she threw the... 1.00

01:19:29.000 When she showed...

01:19:30.000 And here's the funny thing.

01:19:31.000 The black door guy came to get me. 1.00

01:19:33.000 He's like, dog, there's a fine bitch waiting for you at the door. 1.00

01:19:36.000 But to a blank dude, Marjorie, 480, blonde with a fucking Cadillac, he went bananas. 1.00

01:19:42.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:19:43.000 Bananas! 0.93

01:19:44.000 And I went out and I was like, Rascals Down the Shore off Route 34. Yeah.

01:19:48.000 Down the block from that crazy strip club where they have no air conditioning.

01:19:50.000 Yeah.

01:19:51.000 You know, what's the name of that place?

01:19:52.000 I forget this. 1.00

01:19:53.000 Oh, that shit's gone. 1.00

01:19:54.000 Rascals Down the Shore was the shit. 1.00

01:19:55.000 Rascals Down the Shore was the shit. 1.00

01:19:57.000 Those were totally different animals than the Rascals in West Orange. 1.00

01:20:00.000 Yes.

01:20:01.000 Totally different human beings.

01:20:02.000 Rascals West Orange is like a lot of cool people, normal people that worked in the city and commuted and lived in Jersey.

01:20:08.000 It was a nice neighborhood. 1.00

01:20:10.000 Rascals down the shore were fucking savages. 1.00

01:20:13.000 They were barbarians. 1.00

01:20:14.000 They're a totally different crowd, right? 0.96

01:20:16.000 The shore are savages. 0.93

01:20:18.000 They are. 0.87

01:20:19.000 The Jersey Shore.

01:20:20.000 It's funny.

01:20:21.000 We knew about that a long time ago, but now the whole world knows about that.

01:20:24.000 You ever do those Bob Gonzo gigs down on Jersey Shore?

01:20:27.000 Oh, please, yeah.

01:20:27.000 You ever do any of his gigs?

01:20:28.000 He does.

01:20:29.000 I had a bunch of them left, too.

01:20:30.000 He just contacted me on Facebook.

01:20:32.000 Did he?

01:20:32.000 Say hello.

01:20:33.000 Yeah, he's booking a few rooms.

01:20:34.000 I was thinking about going to Jersey and doing it.

01:20:36.000 He does Asbury Park or something.

01:20:39.000 He's got like six rooms.

01:20:40.000 Those were great rooms.

01:20:41.000 Yeah, in the summer.

01:20:42.000 I did a bunch of his gigs. 1.00

01:20:44.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

01:20:44.000 I did a TV show for him. 1.00

01:20:46.000 I did one where there's a guy named Uncle something or another.

01:20:50.000 Uncle Floyd.

01:20:51.000 You know who Uncle Floyd is?

01:20:51.000 Uncle Floyd's comedy something.

01:20:53.000 Uncle Floyd was this guy who had puppets and shit and he apparently had a TV show that was really popular in Jersey. 0.96

01:20:58.000 I did that show. 0.99

01:20:59.000 Yeah, and Uncle Floyd would do stand-up and I didn't know who the fuck he was. 0.99

01:21:03.000 And this Uncle Floyd goes up And fucking levels the place. 0.99

01:21:07.000 And I can't believe this. 0.98

01:21:08.000 I can't believe what I'm watching.

01:21:09.000 But to them, it's like nostalgia.

01:21:11.000 They're loving it.

01:21:12.000 They're going crazy.

01:21:13.000 And I'm like, wow, I had no idea this guy was popular.

01:21:15.000 So I had to follow Uncle Floyd. 0.99

01:21:17.000 And I was eating dick. 0.99

01:21:18.000 Eating dick on stage following Uncle Floyd. 1.00

01:21:20.000 Nobody wanted to hear me. 0.99

01:21:21.000 You know, like they had just heard this guy who was like really famous, you know, and I had no idea.

01:21:26.000 Where'd you shoot this at?

01:21:27.000 It wasn't a shot.

01:21:28.000 This wasn't a TV show.

01:21:29.000 This was just doing stand-up.

01:21:30.000 Right, in Jersey.

01:21:31.000 Yeah, it wasn't shooting.

01:21:32.000 No, no, but it was right on 68th.

01:21:34.000 It was right over the bridge.

01:21:35.000 I don't even remember.

01:21:36.000 It was a place that was on the beach.

01:21:39.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:21:40.000 It was a place that was actually on the beach.

01:21:41.000 It was like an outdoor little venue, and it probably sat like maybe a few hundred people, maybe two, three hundred.

01:21:48.000 I don't remember.

01:21:49.000 My memory's real shaky from this time, but I remember this guy went up, and I'd never heard of him, but they went nuts when he went on stage.

01:21:55.000 I was like, wow.

01:21:56.000 And then they told me, this is a local New Jersey television show.

01:21:58.000 It was really popular.

01:21:59.000 I'm like, whoa.

01:22:00.000 But it was really clean, too.

01:22:02.000 So after that, that's the worst thing you want.

01:22:04.000 Someone killing when they're clean, and then you go on after them dirty. 1.00

01:22:08.000 Especially if nobody knows you, you just feel like such a sack of shit. 0.97

01:22:12.000 There's a really great topic that I started on your forums that just has been becoming popular again in the last two days, and I don't know if you've ever read it. 0.99

01:22:19.000 It's called The Story of Hayley Riley.

01:22:22.000 And I just retweeted it on my Twitter at Red Band.

01:22:25.000 But it's about this girl that I used to be really good friends with that I met on the internet.

01:22:30.000 And every time I would talk to her on the phone, she would send me pictures. 0.96

01:22:33.000 She was fucking gorgeous. 0.98

01:22:35.000 And one time in Arizona... 0.98

01:22:36.000 We were talking and she wanted to meet me, but she acted really weird and wouldn't come see me and stuff like that.

01:22:42.000 And she said she has a secret or something like that.

01:22:44.000 Whatever. 0.98

01:22:44.000 It was kind of fucking weird. 0.98

01:22:45.000 So I stopped kind of talking to her after that because it was kind of creepy. 0.87

01:22:49.000 Anyways, I lately got an email from a guy and he goes, you know, he's asking me if I knew her and what I thought about her and stuff like that.

01:22:59.000 And there's this long email and there's this whole backstory of this thing on your forums.

01:23:03.000 So check it out. 0.98

01:23:05.000 Turns out, this girl was just a huge, crazy fat girl. 1.00

01:23:10.000 She just made up a fake personality, a fake name. 0.98

01:23:14.000 She stole somebody's identity, took all their photos from a MySpace or a Facebook, and she's been doing this for about 10 years. 0.99

01:23:23.000 This guy flew down, got a hotel, fucking spent all this money. 0.95

01:23:28.000 Then met the girl and she was completely different from what she is. 0.96

01:23:31.000 And now there's photos of what the real person looks like.

01:23:35.000 So this guy took this photo and took the whole story and made an article about it?

01:23:40.000 No, me and him just emailed back and forth.

01:23:42.000 He started sharing photos.

01:23:43.000 We started talking.

01:23:44.000 How did he know that you knew about her?

01:23:46.000 Because I think back in the day, somewhere in LiveJournal or something like that, I had my old website on there connected to her somehow, and he was just asking if I ever knew her, if I still talked to her.

01:24:00.000 How did you know that he wasn't some fat guy pretending to be some guy?

01:24:04.000 Totally.

01:24:05.000 But he started sending me photos, and we figured it out and everything out, and I tried to confront Hayley, and she wouldn't respond.

01:24:12.000 Anyways, that was two years ago.

01:24:14.000 Right.

01:24:14.000 And now, there's a new victim.

01:24:16.000 The thread on the message board is called what?

01:24:19.000 It's called The Story of Haley Riley.

01:24:21.000 And it's on the front page of the message.

01:24:23.000 H-A-L-E-Y? H-A-I-L-E-Y. Last name is R-E-I. L-E-Y. And it's on my Twitter.

01:24:31.000 If you go to forum.joerogan.net, it's in the Shit Talking 101 forum. 0.92

01:24:36.000 Yeah, I post it on my Twitter to Red Band. 0.80

01:24:38.000 Wow, that's interesting.

01:24:39.000 Could you imagine being that person?

01:24:40.000 That's got to be a weird fantasy world.

01:24:42.000 Some new guy, though, is emailing me.

01:24:44.000 How is that different than playing The Sims?

01:24:46.000 How is that different than playing World of Warcraft?

01:24:48.000 And what's the point?

01:24:49.000 She's playing World of Warcraft.

01:24:51.000 What's the point?

01:24:52.000 She's pretending. 0.99

01:24:53.000 Look, you're not a fucking wizard, okay? 1.00

01:24:54.000 I know. 1.00

01:24:54.000 She's not a hot chick, but she's pretending, and she's having a good goddamn time. 1.00

01:24:58.000 She's running around just scamming dudes and getting them to fly in and visit her, and she's probably crazy. 1.00

01:25:03.000 So weird, though, because your forum members have been saying, oh, I got the same thing happened to me.

01:25:08.000 And there's like three different side stories now completely of the same topic.

01:25:12.000 That's kind of cool.

01:25:14.000 I think it's kind of interesting.

01:25:16.000 I mean, she's not hurting anybody.

01:25:18.000 She's not asking for money.

01:25:19.000 Except for the guy that's flying out and spending money on Broken Promises.

01:25:23.000 You know what? 1.00

01:25:24.000 If you play that fucking game, you should get busted anyway. 1.00

01:25:27.000 Did I ever tell you this is a Crazy story. 1.00

01:25:29.000 You're supposed to fly her out.

01:25:30.000 Yeah, you're supposed to fly her out. 0.99

01:25:31.000 He played thinking he's a fucking stiff anyway. 0.99

01:25:34.000 He made a bad move. 1.00

01:25:35.000 Rook takes pawn.

01:25:36.000 I totally forgot about a story that I've never told you. 1.00

01:25:39.000 And it's the only time I've ever fucked a fat chick. 1.00

01:25:41.000 Same thing happened to me. 1.00

01:25:42.000 The only time?

01:25:43.000 Yeah, only time. 1.00

01:25:43.000 You've only fucked one fat chick. 1.00

01:25:45.000 Like a real one. 1.00

01:25:46.000 You know, not like a little chunky. 0.99

01:25:47.000 I'm talking about a fat chick. 1.00

01:25:48.000 How many fat chicks you fucked? 1.00

01:25:49.000 I don't like fat chicks. 1.00

01:25:51.000 It was... 1.00

01:25:54.000 They make me fucking nervous. 0.98

01:25:55.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:25:57.000 I don't even like when they're around giggling and shit. 0.99

01:26:00.000 I'm even scared to hug them. 0.98

01:26:01.000 When AOL first came out, they used to have profiles, kind of like Facebook back in the days, and you would chat to people and stuff like that.

01:26:07.000 This girl had all these fake photos. 1.00

01:26:09.000 Actually, it wasn't fake.

01:26:10.000 It was when she lost a lot of weight or something like that, and then she gained back maybe 100 pounds or something.

01:26:15.000 And she wanted to get laid. 0.64

01:26:16.000 She lived near me.

01:26:17.000 We used to private chat all the time. 0.99

01:26:19.000 So I was like, one day I got really horny and I was like, fuck, you know what? 1.00

01:26:21.000 Let's meet and I'll pick you up, come back to my place, drink, and fuck. 1.00

01:26:24.000 And she's like, oh yeah, let's do it. 1.00

01:26:25.000 So anyways, I come to her sorority house.

01:26:28.000 I come there and I'm like...

01:26:29.000 I see this big group of girls, and I see this hot girl, and I'm like, oh, there she is. 0.99

01:26:34.000 And then that whole girl got blocked like an eclipse of this fat girl that came into my vision, like stepped in front of the girl, and it was her. 0.96

01:26:42.000 And she was like a blonde chick, probably about 180, maybe? 1.00

01:26:47.000 200 maybe.

01:26:48.000 She was big.

01:26:50.000 How tall?

01:26:51.000 5'4".

01:26:53.000 It was big, but her face was cute. 0.99

01:26:55.000 I remember driving back to my place and I'm like, this is bullshit. 0.99

01:26:59.000 What do I do? 0.99

01:26:59.000 Do I just stop the car? 0.99

01:27:01.000 Why do I even let her in the car? 1.00

01:27:03.000 Anyways, I got drunk and I fucked her. 1.00

01:27:04.000 Then I took her right home and I... Deleted her. 1.00

01:27:08.000 I've never talked to her again.

01:27:10.000 But you know what? 1.00

01:27:11.000 It was some of the best pussy ever, though. 1.00

01:27:13.000 It was so fucking juicy. 1.00

01:27:16.000 There's a chick at Weight Watchers now that's got about 5'9". 1.00

01:27:19.000 She's about 190. This bitch is banging. 1.00

01:27:22.000 And I feel like going up to her. 1.00

01:27:23.000 I feel like going up to her and going, what the fuck you want to lose weight for? 1.00

01:27:26.000 Look at that ass. 1.00

01:27:27.000 Look at that fucking monster of a monster that you have. 1.00

01:27:30.000 She's in there counting points. 1.00

01:27:31.000 It's a waste of fucking time. 1.00

01:27:33.000 This chick's pretty hot. 1.00

01:27:34.000 Some dudes love a thick girl. 1.00

01:27:36.000 Some dudes just love it.

01:27:38.000 They do not like fit girls. 1.00

01:27:40.000 It felt good. 1.00

01:27:40.000 You go to that fucking Russian weed store on Sunset Across from Rock and Roll Rouse and you look at that behemoth of a chick and you come out and tell me that you wouldn't fuck this chick to death. 1.00

01:27:50.000 How big is she? 1.00

01:27:50.000 She's hotter than hot. 1.00

01:27:52.000 And this bitch, everybody who goes in there walks out of there mummified because you can't believe you want to fuck a little milkshake. 1.00

01:27:58.000 And how fat? 1.00

01:27:59.000 50 pounds overweight?

01:28:00.000 Yep. 1.00

01:28:01.000 Big fat dick. 1.00

01:28:03.000 Russian, her name is Natasha. 1.00

01:28:05.000 And she's got big blue eyes. 0.99

01:28:07.000 There's something dirty about Russian bras. 1.00

01:28:08.000 Bro, but this chick just throws heat from the fucking... 1.00

01:28:12.000 What is it about Russian bras? 1.00

01:28:13.000 It's like a hardness.

01:28:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:28:15.000 That's like extra dirty, but you don't want to go to sleep while you wake up with a fucking scar where your kidneys are. 0.99

01:28:20.000 There's something hot about that. 0.99

01:28:22.000 They need to be taught a lesson, you know?

01:28:23.000 I've waited online.

01:28:25.000 I've seen how the guys look at the guys with chicks, guys with the handsome guys, check her out. 1.00

01:28:29.000 Like, you know, man, I would fuck this shit. 1.00

01:28:31.000 Just tell she's dirty. 1.00

01:28:32.000 But you could tell she's hot. 1.00

01:28:34.000 She's young, 22. 22 and big.

01:28:37.000 Catch her now. 0.84

01:28:38.000 Catch her now before it all goes south. 1.00

01:28:40.000 But she looks like one of those girls that's just big bone, but she'll take you for the ride of her fucking life. 1.00

01:28:45.000 That ass is good when you're eating that ass from behind you. 1.00

01:28:48.000 And now, for a word from your sponsor... 1.00

01:28:51.000 60 pounds overweight and you're eating her ass? 1.00

01:28:53.000 50. Hey, bro, sometimes that ass is good. 1.00

01:28:55.000 They're eating cake and Carvel and Dairy Queen. 1.00

01:28:59.000 That ass is good. 1.00

01:29:00.000 It's yummy for your tummy. 1.00

01:29:02.000 I've never been a...

01:29:02.000 You know what?

01:29:03.000 I never fucked a chick fat when I was drunk or nothing like that. 1.00

01:29:06.000 But I think I had, like, a girlfriend once. 0.99

01:29:07.000 I was low on the heavy side. 1.00

01:29:09.000 I'd give her a stab. 0.60

01:29:09.000 When you're doing that, it's going off the headphones. 0.60

01:29:12.000 The, um... 0.90

01:29:14.000 The famous girl I ever fucked was probably about 170. What do you do? 0.99

01:29:19.000 Do you guys weigh them before you bring them in?

01:29:21.000 Do you guys take them in rounds and weigh them?

01:29:22.000 Well, I was probably about 170 at the time.

01:29:25.000 That's how you know. 0.99

01:29:25.000 I looked at them like, bitch, what about what I weigh? 0.99

01:29:27.000 Because she's shorter than me, but thick. 1.00

01:29:31.000 It's unfortunate.

01:29:32.000 It's a very sad thing when you see a girl who could be so hot, but she's just got some weird food thing going on. 0.97

01:29:39.000 Maybe it's in her DNA to be thick. 1.00

01:29:41.000 This girl would go back and forth. 0.98

01:29:43.000 There's a difference between a thick chick and a fat chick. 1.00

01:29:45.000 There's a big difference.

01:29:46.000 But this girl would like to... 1.00

01:29:48.000 She would have these weird eating things. 1.00

01:29:50.000 She would go on these weird eating things. 0.82

01:29:51.000 Like Beyonce.

01:29:51.000 She's thick.

01:29:52.000 You could tell a white burger castle could fuck her world up. 1.00

01:29:56.000 Could get her a little... 0.99

01:29:56.000 Yeah, but right now she's perfect. 0.99

01:29:59.000 You know what it is?

01:30:00.000 She's got that one foot up in the air and she's balancing. 0.87

01:30:03.000 But as long as she's balancing... 1.00

01:30:04.000 God damn! 0.99

01:30:06.000 That's the perfect shape, like Beyonce body. 1.00

01:30:09.000 That's what dudes like.

01:30:11.000 I don't get that whole skinny obsession. 1.00

01:30:14.000 The girls in Hollywood with this fucking stick figure body. 1.00

01:30:18.000 What is that? 1.00

01:30:19.000 Is that girls doing it for girls? 1.00

01:30:21.000 What is that really?

01:30:22.000 It's the fashion industry.

01:30:23.000 Is that what it is?

01:30:24.000 It's totally the fashion industry.

01:30:25.000 It's the magazine industry.

01:30:27.000 That they look better in those kind of clothes?

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:29.000 But they don't realize they don't.

01:30:31.000 They don't look better to us.

01:30:32.000 Right? 1.00

01:30:33.000 I'm just getting hot in this motherfucker. 1.00

01:30:34.000 Hot in here? 0.99

01:30:35.000 My whole air conditioning unit has crashed.

01:30:37.000 Look at the last time you grilled a skinny, skinny, skinny girl a good stab. 1.00

01:30:40.000 Was that pussy good or were you hitting uteruses and bones and shit? 1.00

01:30:44.000 Cartilage. 1.00

01:30:44.000 And a little pussy small. 1.00

01:30:46.000 Ligaments. 0.99

01:30:46.000 Tendons. 0.99

01:30:46.000 And they always got that big bone in front of the noodle. 0.99

01:30:49.000 Like that mountain because they're so skinny. 1.00

01:30:52.000 Sometimes you're eating a noodle and you bang like a fucking... 1.00

01:30:54.000 It's like somebody hits you in the fucking teeth because that fucking bone is right there. 1.00

01:30:59.000 I want a woman with some fucking meat down there, dog. 1.00

01:31:01.000 Tell me the truth. 1.00

01:31:02.000 Seriously. 1.00

01:31:02.000 You should start a website showing your balls dropping as you're losing weight, showing what your balls look like. 1.00

01:31:08.000 People don't want to see that. 0.99

01:31:09.000 They do want to see that. 0.99

01:31:10.000 I was just discussing this with you because I know you have a certain interest in my balls. 0.99

01:31:14.000 That's why I have an investment on my balls. 0.99

01:31:16.000 I'm on the new homeless diet. 0.99

01:31:17.000 I'm trying to lose 35 pounds, and I'm not shaving until I do because I fucking hate facial hair so much, so it's making me want to fucking do it quick. 0.97

01:31:25.000 I've never met anybody like you who goes so far down, you lose all the weight, and then you're getting it right back. 0.96

01:31:31.000 Yeah.

01:31:31.000 As soon as you start dating a chick.

01:31:33.000 Well, it's because we go out to eat so fucking much. 0.98

01:31:35.000 I haven't dated someone that likes to cook. 0.98

01:31:37.000 Is that what it is?

01:31:39.000 Yeah, it totally is.

01:31:40.000 It's a food thing.

01:31:42.000 I eat out every night.

01:31:43.000 Do you just get crazy and just gorge?

01:31:45.000 No, it's just normal.

01:31:48.000 I don't know.

01:31:49.000 Yeah, but I've lost 14 pounds in a week and a half.

01:31:52.000 But you like being skinny, right?

01:31:54.000 You get to be skinny, you like it, right?

01:31:56.000 Yeah, my metabolism's jacked, man.

01:31:58.000 Why don't you just start working out hard?

01:32:00.000 Just one hour.

01:32:01.000 Make one hour weightlifting.

01:32:03.000 When you weightlift, man, you burn off so many calories.

01:32:06.000 You don't have to lift heavy.

01:32:07.000 Just get 25-pound dumbbells and do a bunch of cleans.

01:32:11.000 Kettlebells are great.

01:32:12.000 Yeah, I want to get a kettlebell.

01:32:13.000 25-pound kettlebell is all you need, dude.

01:32:15.000 I do this one crazy cardio workout.

01:32:17.000 It's a DVD that I do with just one 35-pound kettlebell.

01:32:21.000 It seems like, how's that even going to get you tired?

01:32:24.000 Dude, your heart is flying.

01:32:26.000 Your heart's like 186, 190 beats a minute.

01:32:30.000 It takes forever to recover. 0.99

01:32:31.000 It's fucking hard, man. 0.98

01:32:32.000 It's a brutal, brutal workout. 0.99

01:32:34.000 One little kettlebell. 1.00

01:32:35.000 Just moving your whole body.

01:32:36.000 Making your whole body work.

01:32:37.000 You do something like that, dude. 0.99

01:32:38.000 You can eat whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

01:32:39.000 You know what's crazy is that resveratrol or whatever I've been taking for the last three weeks, that shit has destroyed my appetite. 1.00

01:32:47.000 Really? 0.98

01:32:47.000 I get full so fast now, or I don't even feel hungry. 0.98

01:32:51.000 Were you sure that's resveratrol?

01:32:53.000 It seems like it.

01:32:54.000 You're going through a bunch of different changes in your personal life.

01:32:56.000 Absolutely.

01:32:57.000 But that was one of the things my dad told me that I did for him.

01:33:00.000 So I'm like, oh.

01:33:00.000 Really?

01:33:01.000 Yeah, but now it's like I really have a hard time trying to eat right now. 0.94

01:33:04.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

01:33:05.000 Like, I would be halfway through a salad, and I'd be like, oh, shit. 0.99

01:33:07.000 Right after we're going, we're going with Joey Diaz. 1.00

01:33:09.000 Like a pussy makes you brave, you know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:33:11.000 Where are we going? 1.00

01:33:12.000 That Italian deli.

01:33:13.000 The place of the sausage and pepper subs. 1.00

01:33:15.000 Oh, shit, son. 1.00

01:33:16.000 Like a pussy make you brave, dog. 1.00

01:33:18.000 It makes dieting easy. 1.00

01:33:19.000 You're hanging on to Bill Burr's comb like it's your...

01:33:21.000 Ew! 0.98

01:33:22.000 Why are you touching that?

01:33:23.000 There's white things in it.

01:33:25.000 Bill Burr is so old school.

01:33:27.000 He carries a comb in his pocket.

01:33:29.000 Show it to the camera, Joey.

01:33:31.000 Bill Burr, show that comb to the camera.

01:33:32.000 Oh, you got it.

01:33:34.000 Bill Burr is so old school, he carries a comb in his pocket.

01:33:37.000 And when he was here, he left it.

01:33:39.000 So we're just going to leave it here out of respect until Bill Burr returns.

01:33:42.000 We're just going to leave it on his spot.

01:33:44.000 That's his seat.

01:33:45.000 I won't let anybody take it.

01:33:46.000 Hey, Joey, smell it and tell me what it smells like. 1.00

01:33:47.000 Fuck that shit. 1.00

01:33:48.000 Smells like redhead. 1.00

01:33:49.000 Smells like red little nubbies and shit. 1.00

01:33:54.000 Did you guys hear about that Foxcom shit? 1.00

01:33:56.000 That company that's... 1.00

01:33:58.000 We talked about it several times in the past. 1.00

01:34:00.000 This is the company that they make iPhones and their employees are killing themselves and shit. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Right. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Well, they put up suicide nets now. 1.00

01:34:08.000 So, thank God.

01:34:10.000 Can you imagine just being somebody that's like, hey, I'm going to get a job at Foxconn.

01:34:13.000 You know?

01:34:14.000 And then you're like touring the job during your job interview and you're like, what's that?

01:34:18.000 And they're like, oh, that's the suicide net. 1.00

01:34:19.000 Why would you be like, oh, fuck. 1.00

01:34:21.000 I don't think I want to work here. 1.00

01:34:22.000 Suicide nets are the shit. 1.00

01:34:24.000 You can just commit suicide, but you get a free pass. 1.00

01:34:27.000 You get a free shot. 1.00

01:34:28.000 Imagine you jump. 1.00

01:34:29.000 You're like, fuck it. 1.00

01:34:31.000 Shit, I should have done this. 1.00

01:34:32.000 Oh, net. 1.00

01:34:33.000 Yeah.

01:34:34.000 I think it might be fun.

01:34:35.000 What if everyone just starts trying to...

01:34:37.000 Diving.

01:34:37.000 Yeah, diving for fun.

01:34:38.000 If you're working in a place that sucks that bad that so many people are killing themselves, they have to have nets up, chances are jumping in those nets would be fun as shit. 0.99

01:34:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:34:45.000 Anyways, they're about to open another company, another location. 0.99

01:34:49.000 Really?

01:34:50.000 Yeah, for $300,000.

01:34:51.000 Well, you know, we talked about this before. 0.99

01:34:53.000 You can't get a fucking iPhone for $200 if you're paying the people to work for you. 0.99

01:34:56.000 You just can't. 1.00

01:34:57.000 You've got to get slave labor. 1.00

01:34:58.000 You've got to get people to work for fucking bowls of rice or 16-hour days. 0.99

01:35:03.000 And isn't the iPhone in most electronics made by precious metals? 0.99

01:35:08.000 Minerals, yeah.

01:35:09.000 Precious minerals.

01:35:09.000 Where people are shot daily for these, you know...

01:35:12.000 Well, all this shit that's going on in Afghanistan, a lot of what they're going to get out of the ground there is shit to make an iPhone. 0.99

01:35:17.000 Right, exactly. 1.00

01:35:18.000 It is. 0.98

01:35:18.000 It's a fucking incredible fine. 0.98

01:35:20.000 A trillion dollars worth of minerals. 0.99

01:35:22.000 They're like, we just found it.

01:35:23.000 We didn't even know it was there. 1.00

01:35:24.000 Meanwhile, they said the Soviet Union discovered this shit 30 years ago. 1.00

01:35:28.000 They just couldn't figure out how to get it out and couldn't figure out how to fucking control the region. 1.00

01:35:32.000 What the fuck are we doing? 0.99

01:35:34.000 Joe Diaz, give us your wisdom. 0.99

01:35:36.000 What the fuck are we doing having wars in 2010? 0.98

01:35:38.000 Why do people still tolerate it? 0.99

01:35:40.000 Because the heroin's kicking over that Afghanistan. 0.94

01:35:43.000 It's got to have something to do with the heroin, right? 0.99

01:35:45.000 You've got to do what you've got to fucking do. 0.96

01:35:47.000 It hasn't stopped. 0.99

01:35:48.000 This war hasn't stopped, but it ain't going to stop.

01:35:49.000 People think that it's ridiculous to think that heroin has something to do with this war, but all you need to know, and these are real facts, is that over 90% of the world's heroin...

01:36:00.000 It's grown in Afghanistan.

01:36:02.000 Over 90%.

01:36:03.000 Where's the other 10%? 0.99

01:36:04.000 Where the fuck is that money going? 0.99

01:36:06.000 Is it going to warlords? 0.99

01:36:08.000 Because if it is, where's their private jets?

01:36:10.000 Okay?

01:36:11.000 Where's the warlord? 0.99

01:36:12.000 How come the warlord isn't living like the fucking Sultan of Brunei? 0.99

01:36:14.000 You know? 1.00

01:36:15.000 Why?

01:36:15.000 How come they don't have that money?

01:36:17.000 Maybe they do.

01:36:18.000 They don't.

01:36:19.000 It's not like Mexico. 0.61

01:36:20.000 It's not like Mexico. 0.61

01:36:20.000 Where is that heroin money going? 0.61

01:36:22.000 That shit's coming straight to America, son. 1.00

01:36:24.000 That shit's being flown in. 1.00

01:36:25.000 Barry Seals and the fucking New World Order. 1.00

01:36:27.000 They're all flying that shit in and propeller planes. 1.00

01:36:30.000 Barry Seals. 1.00

01:36:30.000 Look Barry Seals up. 1.00

01:36:32.000 Educate these motherfuckers. 1.00

01:36:33.000 Barry Seals was the guy who got killed. 1.00

01:36:35.000 He was bringing in drugs from South America.

01:36:37.000 Guy got murdered while he was going to testify and he had Bush's phone number in his pocket.

01:36:42.000 Barry Seal was the definitive case.

01:36:45.000 He was connected to every single big-time drug dealer, Pablo Escobar, all those guys.

01:36:51.000 Everybody in South America this guy was connected to.

01:36:53.000 And he got busted.

01:36:55.000 In Mena, Arkansas, they dropped a package off.

01:36:58.000 What they used to do is they would fly in.

01:36:59.000 He would fly in from South America on his little propeller plane, fly into Arkansas.

01:37:03.000 Drop the package off by parachute, get out of the plane, and then the guys would go at the drop spot and pick up the parachute. 0.98

01:37:11.000 They'd show up in a fucking pickup truck or whatever they used. 0.98

01:37:14.000 Well, some kids were fucking around in the woods, and these kids spotted the parachute drop. 0.99

01:37:18.000 And when they went to go pick up the package, they saw these kids there. 0.99

01:37:22.000 So they killed the kids, and they took the kids' bodies and they laid them on the tracks.

01:37:27.000 What?

01:37:27.000 Yeah, and the autopsy came back, said that the kids were high and they fell asleep on the tracks.

01:37:32.000 So the parents said, that's ridiculous.

01:37:33.000 My children didn't do drugs. 0.97

01:37:35.000 I don't believe you.

01:37:36.000 So the parents paid for their own autopsies.

01:37:39.000 And their own autopsies concluded that the kids were murdered, that they were stabbed.

01:37:42.000 They found stab wounds on the body. 0.97

01:37:44.000 So the parents, like, started trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong. 0.94

01:37:47.000 And they started figuring out who landed planes and what happened and ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. 0.94

01:37:52.000 And then they bust this guy, Barry Seals. 0.98

01:37:54.000 And Barry Seals was a fucking employee of the CIA who had been flying drugs into this country for decades. 0.99

01:38:00.000 And he said that that's just what they do. 0.99

01:38:02.000 That's what they've always done.

01:38:03.000 There's money out there to be made and they know it and they make it.

01:38:06.000 And you're talking about the same people that are willing to start wars?

01:38:09.000 They're willing to do that whole Gulf of Tonkin thing where we went into the Vietnam War under false pretenses and false flag attacks just in order to make sure that we're involved in disputes with other countries.

01:38:19.000 And one of the things they do when we're involved with disputes with other countries is they jack their natural resources.

01:38:23.000 And one of their natural resources are drugs. 1.00

01:38:26.000 And you don't think that Afghanistan is a fucking gigantic money hole for those evil scumbags that are willing to do shit like that? 1.00

01:38:33.000 There's so much money there. 1.00

01:38:34.000 What the fuck do you do when there's 90% of the world's anything in one spot that's worth billions of dollars? 0.99

01:38:40.000 Billions. 0.99

01:38:41.000 But it's a ridiculous thing. 1.00

01:38:42.000 If you say it, you're a nut. 0.98

01:38:43.000 If you start saying part of the reason why we're in Afghanistan is because someone's making money off drugs, that's definitely got to be something to do with it. 1.00

01:38:49.000 People think you're crazy.

01:38:52.000 It's not the whole reason we're there.

01:38:53.000 But if you don't think it plays a part, you don't think it has a say...

01:38:56.000 Who's making money during the war? 1.00

01:38:57.000 You gotta finance that fucking war. 1.00

01:38:59.000 What do you think finances this shit, you know? 1.00

01:39:01.000 Well, you know, the whole thing that happened during the Reagan administration with the Contras, you know, and when that Michael Rupert guy busted the CIA selling drugs in Los Angeles ghettos, you know, all that stuff, that's just standard operational procedure. 0.99

01:39:18.000 It just takes a while for it to pop out and get into the news sometimes, you know? 0.99

01:39:23.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:39:24.000 Did you see Ari Shafir on TMZ today? 1.00

01:39:26.000 Yeah, I saw it.

01:39:27.000 Yeah, that's great.

01:39:27.000 I was there.

01:39:28.000 That was a fun time.

01:39:29.000 But him and Roddy Roddy Piper beat him up on stage.

01:39:36.000 Yeah, and people were thinking that he really was a racist.

01:39:39.000 Which is a big problem with that character he does.

01:39:41.000 People don't know that it's an act.

01:39:43.000 That he's just trying to get people's reactions and just be a nut and have people react to this. 0.72

01:39:49.000 Fake, racist character, so they get angry at him. 0.79

01:39:52.000 But he's not really racist. 0.57

01:39:53.000 Right.

01:39:53.000 Well, he kind of is, like everyone else.

01:39:56.000 What are you fucking saying, boy? 0.98

01:39:59.000 Ari's not a racist at all. 0.99

01:40:00.000 I think Ari's a very open-minded and objective person.

01:40:03.000 So it's kind of funny that Ari would be playing this character, the amazing racist.

01:40:07.000 It was a joke.

01:40:07.000 It was a joke for National Lampoon.

01:40:09.000 They should have moved on, but...

01:40:11.000 Do you think you should have moved on?

01:40:12.000 I think you should have moved on.

01:40:13.000 I've told him many times.

01:40:14.000 I don't know.

01:40:14.000 What have you told him, Brian?

01:40:16.000 I just think the character's done.

01:40:18.000 The whole idea of the character's done, and you don't want to really be known for that.

01:40:21.000 I would have kept doing videos as the character with new ideas.

01:40:25.000 Really?

01:40:26.000 Would you keep going?

01:40:27.000 I think at a certain point in time, how many stereotypes are you going to expect?

01:40:30.000 It's a joke.

01:40:32.000 You already did the joke.

01:40:33.000 There's no reason to keep on doing the same joke over and over again.

01:40:35.000 I think you should do a Jewish one and be done. 1.00

01:40:37.000 Do you think it's just because he had too much success with it and he just got caught up in it and wanted to keep it going?

01:40:43.000 That's one of the most successful things that he's done.

01:40:45.000 That National Lampoon thing is pretty famous.

01:40:47.000 You don't see me still making Carlos Mencia videos.

01:40:51.000 That was probably the most successful video I've done.

01:40:55.000 Kitty Fartcup.

01:40:56.000 Yeah, Kitty Fartcup is absolutely the best video I've ever done.

01:41:00.000 That's actually what all the girls like too, the kitty fart stuff. 0.98

01:41:03.000 It's hilarious when the cat reacts to your fart.

01:41:06.000 You see the one where I did Lindsay Lohan?

01:41:08.000 Yes, I saw that too. 0.97

01:41:10.000 That was pretty ridiculous. 0.77

01:41:12.000 So now what happened with Lindsay Lohan? 0.99

01:41:13.000 Because I drink that kombucha shit and everybody's saying that Lindsay Lohan lied and she said that her bracelet went off because she was drinking that kombucha and that kombucha has a A level of alcohol. 0.97

01:41:24.000 There's something going on with that because it was pulled off the shelves off of Whole Foods, and there's some questioning about the alcohol content of them. 0.99

01:41:34.000 Yes, that it's less than one half of a percent.

01:41:36.000 Right.

01:41:36.000 You don't have to mark it, but if it's more than one half of a percent, you have to mark it, and they're saying it's more.

01:41:41.000 Right, so she was wearing one of the scam bracelets, and it went off, and supposedly that's what made it go off.

01:41:48.000 Now, I don't know if that's true or not, but...

01:41:50.000 You know, they say that you're not even supposed to have any kombucha if you're an alcoholic. 1.00

01:41:54.000 You're not supposed to drink that shit. 0.99

01:41:55.000 It even tastes like alcohol, you know? 1.00

01:41:57.000 It does.

01:41:57.000 You know, I was rolling.

01:41:58.000 I did jujitsu after I drank one, and this dude said, did you have a beer before you went to jujitsu?

01:42:02.000 I said, no.

01:42:03.000 Drinking kombucha. 1.00

01:42:04.000 It's all healthy and shit. 1.00

01:42:05.000 Right. 0.99

01:42:05.000 But, I mean, maybe it has this little tiny bit of alcohol in it, but I've never gotten drunk off of it or even felt a buzz. 0.99

01:42:10.000 But I'll tell you one thing, man. 0.99

01:42:11.000 It's pumped my fucking immune system up through the roof. 0.99

01:42:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:42:15.000 I don't get sick anymore.

01:42:16.000 How many do you have a day?

01:42:17.000 One?

01:42:17.000 At least two.

01:42:18.000 Yeah, I drink like two a day.

01:42:19.000 I drink them all the time.

01:42:21.000 I love them.

01:42:21.000 I think they're delicious.

01:42:23.000 Do you like the regular the best?

01:42:24.000 I like the regular.

01:42:24.000 It's my favorite.

01:42:25.000 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that other one.

01:42:27.000 No.

01:42:27.000 The grape one, too strong.

01:42:29.000 Gingerade.

01:42:30.000 The gingerade I like.

01:42:31.000 It's kind of strong.

01:42:31.000 It's got a kick to it, but the regular one's fantastic.

01:42:34.000 But I'm telling you, man, all this travel I do, I was getting sick all the time.

01:42:38.000 It was like every couple months I was battling, and I'm still working out.

01:42:41.000 I'm still training.

01:42:42.000 I'm working out as hard as I've ever worked out, and I'm not getting sick.

01:42:45.000 It's crazy, and I think it has to do with the probiotics.

01:42:48.000 Staying really regular with your vitamins, that's very important, but it's also maintaining a healthy bacterial level in your body.

01:42:55.000 Acidophilus and probiotic drinks. 0.96

01:42:57.000 On the road, I take the acidophilus with me, and I just take that, and when I'm at home, I drink those fucking drinks, and I'm not getting sick. 0.99

01:43:03.000 It's crazy. 0.99

01:43:04.000 You're exposed to so many different varieties of germs and bullshit when you're on the road. 0.99

01:43:08.000 Plus, I'm way more careful now about washing my hands before I eat. 1.00

01:43:12.000 Smoking weed with fucking strangers that are creepy looking. 1.00

01:43:14.000 What about the germs that got into fucking Fedor this weekend? 1.00

01:43:19.000 Let's talk about Fedor. 0.99

01:43:21.000 Hey, this is the bottom line.

01:43:23.000 Fedor had never fought a guy who's got a guard like Verdum.

01:43:26.000 And who's he training with?

01:43:27.000 He's not training with anybody like Verdum.

01:43:28.000 Verdum is top of the food chain Abu Dhabi champion.

01:43:32.000 And he's a big man.

01:43:34.000 He's like 6'3", 6'4". 0.99

01:43:35.000 He's a big fucking dude, and he's good. 1.00

01:43:38.000 His guard is nasty. 1.00

01:43:39.000 He's got one of the best guards in the world.

01:43:41.000 You try getting sloppy with grounded power, you leave arms in there.

01:43:44.000 He's got to snatch those arms up quick, and he's got a tight game.

01:43:47.000 In the beginning of the round, Fedor wasn't slippery yet.

01:43:49.000 No one's sweaty.

01:43:50.000 They were just...

01:43:51.000 Barely broken a sweat, so he's got a nice grip on him, man.

01:43:55.000 And we're doomed, man.

01:43:56.000 You let him catch you in a technique battle, you battle his guard when you're on top and you leave an arm in there. 1.00

01:44:04.000 He's going to fuck you up, man. 1.00

01:44:06.000 Because as you go to defend, he set him up, man. 1.00

01:44:08.000 And it was really beautiful to watch what he did.

01:44:11.000 He attacked the arm, and as Fedor's defending the arm, he's got to pull the arm back.

01:44:16.000 So as he's defending the arm, pulling the arm back, that's when he slaps the triangle on.

01:44:20.000 It's like he just put him in a classic Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu chain of submissions.

01:44:26.000 He went one, you defend this, he goes to that, and as you defend the triangle, you expose the arm.

01:44:30.000 As you protect the arm, the triangle gets locked deeper.

01:44:33.000 Bang, bang, bang. 0.89

01:44:33.000 It was beautiful, man. 0.89

01:44:35.000 It was beautiful. 1.00

01:44:35.000 Look, Fedor is a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:44:38.000 He's really like a guy who could fight at 205 easy, and he's fighting at heavyweight, knocking guys out. 1.00

01:44:44.000 He's only 6 feet tall.

01:44:45.000 He's not a big guy.

01:44:46.000 Some people say he's actually only 5'11".

01:44:48.000 He's not a big guy, but he's incredibly talented and incredibly inspirational.

01:44:54.000 He's a dude that makes people excited.

01:44:57.000 They love the way he carries himself.

01:44:58.000 Even the way he handled the loss, man.

01:45:00.000 Do you hear what he said?

01:45:01.000 Afterwards, I said, how do you feel?

01:45:03.000 He says, I feel nothing.

01:45:04.000 He goes, because you can't stand it.

01:45:07.000 People who don't fall don't know what it's like to stand.

01:45:10.000 When was his last fight, like, main fight before that? 0.73

01:45:12.000 Was it like 70 years ago or something ridiculous?

01:45:14.000 No, no, no.

01:45:14.000 What are people saying about that?

01:45:15.000 No, he beat Brett Rogers less than... 0.99

01:45:17.000 Shit, it was only a few months ago. 1.00

01:45:19.000 Six months ago. 0.99

01:45:20.000 Yeah, probably less than six months.

01:45:21.000 Did he beat him good?

01:45:22.000 Yeah, he blasted him, knocked him out. 0.97

01:45:23.000 But right after he beat him, Alistar Overeem beat the fuck out of Brett Rogers. 1.00

01:45:29.000 Alistar Overeem... 0.96

01:45:30.000 Owned Brett Rogers.

01:45:31.000 The way he did it, man, was so precise. 0.99

01:45:33.000 On the feet, just high-level fucking Muay Thai. 0.99

01:45:37.000 Slip in the punch and the shin slams into the meat of the leg. 1.00

01:45:41.000 You could see right away, Brett Rogers was like, oh, fuck. 1.00

01:45:44.000 He could see right away. 1.00

01:45:46.000 He was in way, way, way, way, way over his head. 0.99

01:45:49.000 And then Alistar got Brett Rogers on the ground and fucking pummeled him. 1.00

01:45:52.000 It was a ridiculously one-sided fight. 0.98

01:45:54.000 What kind of party is Dana White having this weekend? 1.00

01:45:56.000 He's having a big party. 1.00

01:45:57.000 Do you know why he's having a fucking laugh your ass off? 0.99

01:46:00.000 I just saved $30 million party. 0.99

01:46:02.000 Because now Fedor, unfortunately, really does become irrelevant.

01:46:06.000 Because part of what made him exciting was the fact that he was this undefeated guy who seemed to be superhuman and destroys Tim Sylvia, destroys Andre Orlovsky.

01:46:16.000 There's an aura about him.

01:46:18.000 Some of the aura was eroded slightly by the Brett Rogers fight because Brett Rogers got him down, was ground and pounding him, was connecting with big shots.

01:46:26.000 And you looked at it and you're like, what if Brock got him in that spot?

01:46:29.000 Brock ain't Brett Rogers, bro.

01:46:31.000 Brock gets you in that spot, A, you're not getting up. 0.99

01:46:34.000 B, you're going to eat some giant cinder block fucking canned ham fists. 0.99

01:46:38.000 I can't wait. 1.00

01:46:38.000 This weekend's going to be crazy. 1.00

01:46:39.000 Let me tell you something.

01:46:40.000 So anyway, that eroded people's confidence in Fedor a little bit.

01:46:44.000 But what eroded my confidence in it is when I saw the way Alistar handled Brett Rogers. 0.99

01:46:49.000 I knew Alistar was going to fuck Brett Rogers up. 1.00

01:46:51.000 I knew it was going to fuck him up. 0.99

01:46:52.000 I didn't know he was going to do it like that. 0.99

01:46:54.000 The way he did it was perfect.

01:46:55.000 He shows how high level his striking is.

01:46:58.000 He beat Badr Hari, knocked Badr Hari out, who is one of the very best kickboxers in the world.

01:47:04.000 He's beaten a lot of dudes. 0.97

01:47:05.000 He fucked up Peter Ertz. 0.99

01:47:07.000 He knocks dudes out, man. 1.00

01:47:09.000 He's a bad motherfucker in kickboxing with the best in the world. 0.99

01:47:13.000 He's hanging with those guys. 0.99

01:47:14.000 So when he got in there against an MMA fighter who's just a brawler, he just opened up a can on him.

01:47:19.000 And Fedor's not a technical striker.

01:47:22.000 He's very explosive and very fast, and he's good and tough, and his technique is good, but he's not like a guy who could just step into K1 the way Alistar does.

01:47:31.000 And Al Starr has a nasty ground game as well, so the transition between the two of them is very smooth.

01:47:37.000 And when he took Brett Rodgers down, he just controlled him on the ground and beat the fuck out of him. 0.71

01:47:40.000 He really, like, made a mockery over Fedor's win.

01:47:43.000 I mean, it wasn't, you know, just, I mean, obviously it wasn't the same night, it's not the same circumstances, but the way he beat him, I was like, man.

01:47:50.000 Alistar, to me, is more exciting right now than Fedor.

01:47:53.000 Alistar is one of the scariest guys in the division.

01:47:56.000 K-1 level, high-level striking, and nasty Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

01:48:01.000 Won the European Abu Dhabi trials, submitted Vitor Belfort. 1.00

01:48:04.000 He's got a fucking sick guillotine, man. 0.98

01:48:06.000 What do you think Fedor would have to do to earn back your, like, wow, that guy's on top of his game? 1.00

01:48:11.000 Like, who would he have to fight?

01:48:12.000 Would he have to go to the UFC now?

01:48:13.000 Yeah, he'd have to go to the UFC. Or fight Alistar and then go to the UFC. And fight Verdum again, too.

01:48:18.000 I mean, I'm excited to see him fight anybody.

01:48:20.000 It's not that I'm not a Fedor fan.

01:48:22.000 I love him.

01:48:22.000 But I think...

01:48:23.000 You've got to fight the best guys in the world.

01:48:25.000 You've got to be in the heat with the best guys in the world.

01:48:28.000 And there's really no shortcuts for that.

01:48:30.000 There's no shortcuts for training with a guy like Farisio Verdum.

01:48:34.000 There's no shortcuts to learning how to get out of a guard like that.

01:48:37.000 You've got to experience it. 0.99

01:48:38.000 And it's pretty obvious watching that fight that he probably hadn't experienced that kind of shit before. 0.99

01:48:43.000 I mean, he's made some critical errors. 0.97

01:48:45.000 There's a beautiful video where Henner Gracie and his brother break down what Fedor did wrong and what Verdum did right in explaining the triangle.

01:48:54.000 That's beautiful.

01:48:55.000 And it's like, you know, people are looking at it and they're like, this is like simple jujitsu.

01:48:58.000 Like, he made mistakes.

01:48:59.000 And part of it, he makes mistakes because he's got a very unorthodox style.

01:49:02.000 He throws big haymakers inside the guard.

01:49:04.000 He's been really successful with that.

01:49:06.000 But with a guy like Verdum, you can't do that.

01:49:08.000 He's just, he's there to catch those little tiny, tiny openings, you know?

01:49:12.000 He put a beating on it, man.

01:49:14.000 You know what was really exciting about that night, man?

01:49:16.000 Kung Lee is bringing Taekwondo back! 0.96

01:49:19.000 Back! 0.88

01:49:20.000 38 years old. 1.00

01:49:21.000 Kung Lee has that fucking step-in-turning sidekick. 0.99

01:49:25.000 He stands in a southpaw stance with his right leg forward, and he throws a left, like steps forward throwing a left, and dude's back out of the way just of the punch. 0.99

01:49:34.000 But a turning sidekick comes behind it.

01:49:36.000 So it's a 360-degree turning sidekick.

01:49:38.000 He stands with his right leg forward, throws the left hand, and as he throws the left hand, he steps forward with the left foot and then spins.

01:49:45.000 So there's so much momentum, man.

01:49:47.000 He's like running at you with that kick and blasts you. 0.99

01:49:52.000 He's doing shit with kicks, man, that other people aren't doing, and that's one of them. 0.99

01:49:56.000 The way he throws that 360 turning sidekick, I don't see anybody else doing that. 0.99

01:49:59.000 A few guys do a turning sidekick, but I don't see anybody else doing that 360 like he does it. 0.99

01:50:05.000 And his kicks are fucking deadly, man. 0.98

01:50:07.000 He throws a lot of high kicks, too, you know? 0.99

01:50:10.000 What do you think for this weekend so far?

01:50:13.000 There's a lot of fights I'm excited about on this card.

01:50:17.000 How about Chris Lytle versus Matt the Immortal Brown? 0.99

01:50:20.000 Oh shit! 1.00

01:50:21.000 The fireman! 1.00

01:50:22.000 That motherfucker, that fight has fight of the night written all over it. 1.00

01:50:25.000 Both guys are savages. 1.00

01:50:27.000 Brown is a fucking savage and Chris Lytle don't back down to shit. 1.00

01:50:31.000 Chris Lytle, I've never even seen that guy get rocked. 1.00

01:50:34.000 I've seen him get busted open and bloody and smashed in the face and hit with haymakers, but he always just bounces right back. 0.80

01:50:41.000 That dude's chin is made of cement. 1.00

01:50:43.000 He's a fucking monster. 1.00

01:50:44.000 And him and Matt Brown, Matt Brown is a warrior, dude. 1.00

01:50:47.000 That guy's strong.

01:50:49.000 His mind is strong, too.

01:50:50.000 He presses.

01:50:51.000 He stays on dudes and breaks dudes. 0.98

01:50:53.000 So him and Lytle is just a guaranteed fucking, guaranteed tons of fun. 0.96

01:50:58.000 By the way, mad props to the UFC's new website. 0.99

01:51:01.000 That's fucking amazing. 0.97

01:51:02.000 You like that? 1.00

01:51:03.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.82

01:51:04.000 You don't think it's too much Flash? 0.91

01:51:06.000 Well, I mean, it's one of those fun websites.

01:51:09.000 I kind of miss the old one.

01:51:12.000 I like the...

01:51:13.000 You mean there's not a choice to do just the basic blog or something like that?

01:51:17.000 I don't know.

01:51:17.000 It's pretty dope, though, when you do see the different fighters and their focus on each frame, the matchup.

01:51:24.000 It's their big close-up pictures and shit. 0.96

01:51:26.000 And that is Flash, huh? 1.00

01:51:27.000 Yeah.

01:51:28.000 It's unfortunate that it's Flash, but it's pretty sweet.

01:51:31.000 I like it.

01:51:32.000 They could have done the same thing with HTML5? I'm sure there probably is a way to do that.

01:51:36.000 And that way you could get it on your iPad.

01:51:37.000 Right.

01:51:38.000 And on your iPhone.

01:51:39.000 Right.

01:51:39.000 Because right now you can't.

01:51:40.000 Right. 1.00

01:51:40.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:51:41.000 See, that's more just like fun stuff. 0.99

01:51:42.000 That's not like informative.

01:51:44.000 Right.

01:51:44.000 But still, you want that.

01:51:45.000 That's kind of like DVD extras.

01:51:46.000 Wouldn't you want to be able to get that on your phone?

01:51:48.000 Yeah.

01:51:48.000 Yeah, I guess.

01:51:49.000 It's just not...

01:51:50.000 It's cool to look at pictures and stuff, I guess.

01:51:52.000 Isn't it crazy that porn is what's pushing the transition to HTML5? Did you hear about that?

01:51:57.000 Yeah.

01:51:57.000 When porn backs something, it's usually pretty legit, you know?

01:52:00.000 Isn't that nuts? 0.99

01:52:01.000 How the fuck is anybody still making money off porn? 0.99

01:52:06.000 We've talked about this, yeah. 0.99

01:52:07.000 Tyler Knight, you know Tyler Knight?

01:52:09.000 That dude, he's making a transition to becoming an author.

01:52:12.000 He's a really good writer. 1.00

01:52:13.000 He wrote some really fucked up shit. 0.99

01:52:15.000 I don't know what his blog is, but just look up Tyler Knight blog. 1.00

01:52:18.000 You'll find it online.

01:52:20.000 And Tyler's a really good writer, but he's got some... 0.99

01:52:23.000 Ridiculous stories about porno sets and scenes, and he's got a story about failing at a bukkake event where literally hundreds of dudes are fucking this chick, and he's in line with all these dudes, and he's trying to keep his dick hard, and he gets up and he totally fails. 0.99

01:52:39.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:52:40.000 Stepping at other dudes' loads.

01:52:41.000 There's loads everywhere.

01:52:42.000 Oh, God.

01:52:43.000 It's so dark, but it's so well written, too.

01:52:46.000 It's just really awesome stuff.

01:52:48.000 And all true.

01:52:49.000 I would have those pool shoes.

01:52:51.000 Those slippers that you put on your shoes.

01:52:53.000 How about cleats?

01:52:54.000 Cleats would be better.

01:52:55.000 Some softball cleats. 0.99

01:52:57.000 Just dig your way through the fucking sticky loads. 1.00

01:52:59.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:53:01.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:53:01.000 But this guy was in the porn business forever, man. 1.00

01:53:04.000 And has some great, great stories about the porn business.

01:53:07.000 And now he's just writing. 0.99

01:53:09.000 Shit, just stories about the porn business can keep me fascinated for years. 1.00

01:53:14.000 That's a crazy business, dude. 1.00

01:53:15.000 And he's a regular, really cool, nice guy.

01:53:19.000 Do you ever see the Cosby's episode?

01:53:21.000 Or the Cosby's porno? 0.98

01:53:23.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.97

01:53:24.000 With Thomas Ward?

01:53:25.000 Yeah, Thomas Ward.

01:53:25.000 I hung out with that dude two weeks ago.

01:53:27.000 Thomas?

01:53:28.000 Yeah.

01:53:28.000 Where was he at?

01:53:29.000 At the comedy store with one of his porn star friends. 0.96

01:53:31.000 Really? 0.69

01:53:32.000 And she was like...

01:53:33.000 I need your contacts.

01:53:34.000 And she's all in my face.

01:53:36.000 I'm like, oh, you smell like crack and Doritos.

01:53:38.000 Crack and Doritos and VD. Thomas Ward was a really funny guy, man.

01:53:44.000 Thomas Ward was another guy that I always was like, how come Thomas Ward didn't hit?

01:53:49.000 How come he didn't make it?

01:53:50.000 He's loving it now, man.

01:53:52.000 Looks like he's living large now. 0.97

01:53:54.000 He's doing porn? 0.98

01:53:55.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:53:55.000 He's winning awards and stuff. 0.98

01:53:56.000 I don't think he actually does the porn part, though.

01:53:59.000 Right.

01:53:59.000 He just does acting in porn.

01:54:01.000 Yeah, but he's winning awards. 0.74

01:54:03.000 Winning porn awards? 0.92

01:54:03.000 Yeah. 0.92

01:54:04.000 Do those count?

01:54:05.000 They do count.

01:54:07.000 Joey?

01:54:08.000 Joey, we lost him.

01:54:09.000 It's two hours in.

01:54:10.000 That's it.

01:54:10.000 My blood sugar's down.

01:54:11.000 I'm thinking about that sausage sub.

01:54:13.000 The air conditioning is what's going on.

01:54:14.000 My air conditioning is broke in my office.

01:54:17.000 It's being replaced on Tuesday.

01:54:19.000 So, what's today?

01:54:20.000 Wednesday?

01:54:21.000 Tuesday?

01:54:21.000 Tomorrow?

01:54:22.000 I gotta wait a week.

01:54:23.000 I gotta wait a week. 0.95

01:54:24.000 Yeah, they gotta order all the parts and all that shit. 0.96

01:54:26.000 So there's no air in the whole house? 0.98

01:54:27.000 No, no, no.

01:54:28.000 The house has air, just not my office.

01:54:30.000 You don't like air, and you open the back window. 0.98

01:54:33.000 Yeah, well, it gets hot as fuck in the valley. 0.99

01:54:36.000 That's one of the things I miss about Colorado. 0.99

01:54:37.000 Never really got that hot.

01:54:39.000 My house in Colorado, no need for air conditioning ever.

01:54:42.000 That's how you just open up a window.

01:54:44.000 Beautiful, clean, mountain air. 0.99

01:54:46.000 Have some fucking tap water. 1.00

01:54:48.000 Your tap water is a well. 1.00

01:54:49.000 How about that, son? 1.00

01:54:50.000 You're drinking water out of a fucking stream that's in the earth. 1.00

01:54:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:55.000 Yeah, man.

01:54:57.000 I just so want to move back to Colorado.

01:54:59.000 But Mrs. Rogan's so not down for getting another dog eaten by a monster in the woods. 1.00

01:55:05.000 That's what chloroform's for.

01:55:07.000 Chloroform? 1.00

01:55:08.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

01:55:10.000 That's what chloroform's for? 1.00

01:55:11.000 No, it's not.

01:55:12.000 Wake up.

01:55:13.000 Where are we?

01:55:14.000 You're in California. 1.00

01:55:15.000 Dude, you can't live with someone and kidnap them and move them to another state, especially with babies and shit. 0.99

01:55:19.000 It's a lot of work. 0.99

01:55:20.000 Joe Diaz, where are you at this weekend?

01:55:24.000 What are you doing this weekend?

01:55:25.000 I got a couple shows Friday.

01:55:27.000 Tell people where they can see you. 0.98

01:55:28.000 Sal's Comedy Motherfucking Hole. 0.98

01:55:30.000 Yeah, Sal's Comedy Hole is a new place that I want to check out. 0.99

01:55:33.000 Late Improv, Friday night.

01:55:34.000 I seen those guys last night.

01:55:35.000 It's a new place on La Brea.

01:55:36.000 Tell me about this place on La Brea, Sal's Comedy Hole.

01:55:38.000 I've only been there twice, so I don't know.

01:55:39.000 Tell me about it.

01:55:39.000 You've been there twice, though.

01:55:40.000 Twice.

01:55:41.000 It's very avant-garde.

01:55:42.000 It's on La Brea and Melrose.

01:55:44.000 La Brea and Melrose.

01:55:45.000 I guess that's where it is.

01:55:46.000 What are you asking me for?

01:55:47.000 Because I want to know about it.

01:55:48.000 I've never been there before.

01:55:49.000 It's a new place in L.A. You should have asked at 3 o'clock. 0.98

01:55:51.000 Now I'm fucking tired. 0.98

01:55:52.000 Let's go get a sausage and pepper sandwich. 1.00

01:55:53.000 Oh, Joey died.

01:55:54.000 He faded, honestly.

01:55:56.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:55:56.000 Can you imagine that?

01:55:57.000 Can you imagine if your job, if you could fall asleep after two hours?

01:56:01.000 So it's a good spot, though.

01:56:03.000 Sal's Comedy Hole on Friday night?

01:56:04.000 Yeah, and I'm going to the improv late night. 0.98

01:56:06.000 I have no fucking idea. 0.96

01:56:07.000 He's going to call me. 0.99

01:56:07.000 Okay, so call Sal's Comedy Hole. 0.99

01:56:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:56:09.000 I don't even give a fuck. 0.99

01:56:10.000 Don't call South Comedy Hole. 0.99

01:56:12.000 Don't bother me.

01:56:12.000 I'm going to the improv afterwards.

01:56:13.000 What do people want to see you?

01:56:14.000 If someone's in L.A. and they're looking for some comedy, you're on the late night show at the improv?

01:56:18.000 Which show?

01:56:19.000 The 10 o'clock or the 11 o'clock?

01:56:20.000 Puerto Ricans.

01:56:20.000 10 o'clock, right?

01:56:21.000 Friday 10. That's the refried beans?

01:56:23.000 Yes.

01:56:24.000 Okay.

01:56:25.000 So what time's your spot?

01:56:26.000 I have no idea.

01:56:27.000 So you're on that show.

01:56:28.000 So if you want to see some good comedy, go to the improv.

01:56:31.000 10 o'clock show.

01:56:32.000 Absolutely.

01:56:33.000 Friday night, Joe Diaz will be there.

01:56:35.000 And Brian and I will be at the Vegas House of Blues on Friday night, me and Sam Tripoli.

01:56:43.000 And then on Saturday, we're going to go to the UFC. Saturday is Brock Lesnar.

01:56:47.000 Don't forget for a word from your sponsor and all that stuff.

01:56:50.000 I can't wait for steak.

01:56:51.000 What do you think is going to happen with Shane Carr winning Brock Lesnar?

01:56:54.000 I've been thinking about it.

01:56:55.000 I think Brock Lesnar is going to win this game.

01:56:57.000 Brock smashed, first round, done.

01:56:59.000 Really?

01:56:59.000 First round, huh?

01:57:00.000 Yeah.

01:57:00.000 What do you think?

01:57:01.000 Take him down, pound on him? 1.00

01:57:02.000 Pound him to death, and it's going to be stopped. 0.98

01:57:04.000 Do you think that Shane Carlin won't be able to stop Brock from taking him down? 0.90

01:57:07.000 Yeah, I think Brock's just a monster, and you can't stop when that fist is coming at you, and it's just going to keep on coming, and I think he's just going to get smashed.

01:57:14.000 Brained. 0.50

01:57:15.000 Really?

01:57:15.000 Yeah.

01:57:16.000 So, you know, what about the fact that Shane Carwin is literally, I mean, physically, at least on paper, the same size?

01:57:21.000 You know, he weighs the same amount, and he's knocked out every single person.

01:57:25.000 It's a different dance, bro. 1.00

01:57:25.000 It's a fucking different dance. 1.00

01:57:26.000 This is a big dance. 1.00

01:57:27.000 This is a big fucking dance. 1.00

01:57:29.000 Brock has been there before. 1.00

01:57:30.000 This is a big fucking dance. 0.98

01:57:32.000 Brock is so competitive, and he really feels, I bet, he needs to come back. 0.99

01:57:36.000 Yeah, he needs to come back. 0.96

01:57:37.000 And I think he's just got a lot of time to think about shit and a lot of training to do, and he's going to probably be more ready now than he's ever been in his life, I think. 0.98

01:57:45.000 Well, you know, he's not even cutting weight. 0.98

01:57:46.000 He's walking around at, like, 265. He's lost weight.

01:57:49.000 But fat.

01:57:50.000 He's, like, ripped.

01:57:51.000 He's, like, in really good shape.

01:57:52.000 Like, his mass is thick.

01:57:53.000 It's because now he's on this really vegetable diet and, you know, high in fiber and, you know... 0.98

01:57:59.000 Broccoli and shit like that to go along with the meat. 0.85

01:58:02.000 So he's got this diet that's like a cleaner diet and he watches his food. 0.97

01:58:06.000 The Countdown show was pretty interesting when they were talking about him coming back and they started out nice and slow.

01:58:10.000 He worked out they made sure his heart rate didn't go over certain beats per minute and then they slowly built him back and they could see the beast return. 0.98

01:58:18.000 And then before you know it, he's fucking 280 pounds again. 0.98

01:58:21.000 Throwing people around. 0.99

01:58:22.000 That'd be funny if his tattoo grew.

01:58:24.000 Like E.T.'s flower got dead.

01:58:27.000 But never mind. 1.00

01:58:28.000 What if someone actually tattooed a dick on their chest? 1.00

01:58:31.000 Just like it? 1.00

01:58:32.000 No, like a dick. 1.00

01:58:33.000 Like, no question at all. 1.00

01:58:35.000 Like a dick. 0.99

01:58:36.000 Would they let them fight in the UFC? What if you got a guy like Hector Lombard, who's like the Bellator champion, very highly touted middleweight, one of the best in the world. 0.99

01:58:44.000 But what if a guy like that level decided to come, like Gomi? 1.00

01:58:47.000 What if Gomi came over to the UFC and he tattooed a dick on his chest? 0.99

01:58:50.000 Well, they'd probably make him cover it up with it. 0.98

01:58:51.000 How do you make a guy cover it up?

01:58:52.000 They have makeup.

01:58:54.000 They can't put makeup on.

01:58:55.000 He's going to fight, man.

01:58:56.000 It's in a movie.

01:58:57.000 They would take marker, maybe?

01:58:58.000 Like permanent marker.

01:58:59.000 Permanent marker.

01:59:00.000 Make it look like a person's face instead.

01:59:01.000 Well, someone did that from the wolf's lair. 0.99

01:59:04.000 What the fuck is his name? 1.00

01:59:06.000 Shit. 1.00

01:59:07.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:59:08.000 You know what would be awesome if a fighter came out? 0.99

01:59:10.000 What's his name?

01:59:10.000 The English guy.

01:59:11.000 Paul Kelly.

01:59:12.000 Paul Telly's Kelly.

01:59:13.000 He left the wolf's lair, so he had a marker and he put a big X across the wolf's lair on his back because he had tattooed the wolf's lair on his back.

01:59:23.000 You know what would be awesome what a fighter should do?

01:59:24.000 What?

01:59:25.000 They should draw all over their face and make it look like they passed out at a party. 1.00

01:59:29.000 You know, like have dicks and cocks. 1.00

01:59:32.000 You can't do chemicals in your skin. 0.99

01:59:33.000 You can get someone's eye with sweat.

01:59:35.000 You can't do that.

01:59:35.000 Yeah.

01:59:36.000 You can't put anything on.

01:59:38.000 That's why after the GSP-BJ Penn fight, the corners aren't even allowed to put Vaseline on.

01:59:43.000 The cut men have to do it, and they control it.

01:59:46.000 Yeah, it's...

01:59:47.000 I don't know, man.

01:59:48.000 What if someone did, though?

01:59:49.000 What if someone did?

01:59:50.000 Do you think that would be...

01:59:51.000 You can't fight?

01:59:52.000 Main event fight.

01:59:53.000 Main event fight.

01:59:53.000 Big event.

01:59:54.000 Like a Lesnar-Carwin type thing.

01:59:56.000 Like GSP. Right.

01:59:57.000 Like GSP's gonna have this fucking big, crazy fight coming up with Josh Koscheck. 0.99

02:00:00.000 Right. 1.00

02:00:01.000 And as he steps into the octagon, he realizes GSP's got a big dick tattooed on his chest. 1.00

02:00:06.000 A real dick. 1.00

02:00:07.000 Vein. 1.00

02:00:08.000 A black one. 1.00

02:00:08.000 A black dick. 1.00

02:00:10.000 He just got crazy and decided to give something to, you know, my idea is to distract people. 1.00

02:00:16.000 They concentrate on their black dick. 1.00

02:00:19.000 You know, what would they do? 1.00

02:00:20.000 It's probably somewhere in the contract you're not allowed to do that.

02:00:22.000 Yeah, probably, right. 1.00

02:00:23.000 No black dicks in your chest. 1.00

02:00:25.000 You think so? 1.00

02:00:26.000 Yeah, there's probably something like that.

02:00:27.000 I could find that out.

02:00:28.000 Why guess?

02:00:29.000 Yeah.

02:00:29.000 Yeah, no doubt.

02:00:30.000 I don't even want to ask them, though, because then Dana White will be like, why the fuck are you asking me this? 0.98

02:00:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:36.000 Are you high?

02:00:37.000 We're going to start testing.

02:00:39.000 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, that's about two hours.

02:00:42.000 So Joey Diaz is starving for a sausage and pepper sandwich.

02:00:46.000 Old school.

02:00:47.000 Like they used to give you in North Bergen. 1.00

02:00:49.000 North Bergen, you go down and you get a fucking sausage and pepper. 1.00

02:00:51.000 You can't even get that shit. 1.00

02:00:53.000 These fucking half a fags, they can't make a goddamn sandwich. 1.00

02:00:55.000 I want a fucking sausage and pepper. 1.00

02:00:57.000 Real peppers and fucking marinara sauce. 1.00

02:01:01.000 Hey Joe, what's this fleshlight thing, Joey Diaz? 0.99

02:01:03.000 Oh, the fleshlight?

02:01:04.000 No, no, Joey Diaz. 0.99

02:01:06.000 Yeah, Doug, you got to do a word for the fucking sponsor. 0.99

02:01:08.000 I've been telling you that. 0.99

02:01:09.000 We're a half hour over two.

02:01:10.000 Do we have Joey Diaz character? 1.00

02:01:12.000 This, motherfucker. 1.00

02:01:13.000 Stop fucking your hand. 1.00

02:01:14.000 No, this ain't even funny. 1.00

02:01:16.000 This is the fleshlight.

02:01:18.000 A word for our sponsor.

02:01:20.000 We got to keep the lights on, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

02:01:21.000 The way we do it is rubber assholes. 0.99

02:01:23.000 That's what we do. 1.00

02:01:23.000 That's what pays. 1.00

02:01:24.000 Keep the lights on.

02:01:25.000 It's soft.

02:01:26.000 It's wonderful.

02:01:27.000 It feels good.

02:01:28.000 If you leave it out in the sun, it gets warm.

02:01:30.000 You can also put it in a tub full of hot water.

02:01:36.000 That's a good move, too.

02:01:37.000 Fill the tub out with hot water.

02:01:39.000 Bathtub with that?

02:01:39.000 And then you squirt some lube.

02:01:41.000 Put some lube in there. 1.00

02:01:42.000 And then you stick your erect penis in there. 1.00

02:01:44.000 And you go like this. 1.00

02:01:48.000 I haven't even thought about doing it in the shower. 1.00

02:01:50.000 The only problem with the Fleshlight is as much of a loser as you feel like when you jerk off, you feel like five times more of a loser when you nut into a rubber pussy. 1.00

02:01:59.000 You just feel like a fucking idiot. 1.00

02:02:01.000 But it's an outstanding product. 1.00

02:02:03.000 It's not like I'm going to stop using it. 0.99

02:02:04.000 But you do feel completely ridiculous. 0.98

02:02:06.000 Like if somebody caught you beating off, that'd be one thing. 0.94

02:02:08.000 But if, you know, your girl walks in and you're like, uh, what? 1.00

02:02:11.000 You're nutting into a rubber pussy. 1.00

02:02:14.000 You're... 1.00

02:02:15.000 I mean, it's one of the most ridiculous things you could ever get busted doing. 1.00

02:02:19.000 Fucking a rubber pussy. 1.00

02:02:20.000 A real doll would probably be way worse, though. 1.00

02:02:22.000 Yeah, that would be totally worse.

02:02:23.000 Way worse.

02:02:24.000 Because at least this way, you're like, I know it's not a person. 0.94

02:02:27.000 I'm just watching porn. 0.96

02:02:28.000 I'm beating off. 1.00

02:02:28.000 A real doll is really kind of fucking useless when you think about it. 1.00

02:02:31.000 How dumb do you have to be to really think that you're having sex with a bitch? 1.00

02:02:34.000 I would want one just to drive around with in the car and do practical jokes and stuff like that. 1.00

02:02:37.000 That's a good move.

02:02:38.000 But I think cops look now. 0.98

02:02:40.000 Because I think people have done shit like that before.

02:02:42.000 I know people have been busted with masks and stuff. 0.99

02:02:44.000 But if you put a fucking seatbelt on that and sunglasses, there's no way that cop's going to know that's fake, you know? 0.98

02:02:48.000 If you have tinted windows, for sure, right? 0.99

02:02:50.000 Then there's no way he's going to know. 0.99

02:02:52.000 Put a helmet on him and bandages and shit like he's the mummy, like something fucking bad happened to him. 0.99

02:02:59.000 Or a schoolgirl outfit. 1.00

02:03:01.000 No!

02:03:02.000 Then the cop's going to investigate. 1.00

02:03:04.000 You're the worst criminal of all time. 0.97

02:03:06.000 Alright, this weekend, Joe Diaz is at Sal's Comedy Hole on Friday night and the 10pm show at the Improv. 0.99

02:03:14.000 Don't miss him.

02:03:15.000 It's epic stand-up comedy.

02:03:17.000 It's real stand-up comedy.

02:03:18.000 Old school. 0.99

02:03:19.000 Joey, we gotta make a fucking CD with you this year. 0.99

02:03:21.000 Okay, can we do that? 1.00

02:03:22.000 Absolutely.

02:03:22.000 Can we make a CD? Talking Monkey Productions?

02:03:24.000 Absolutely.

02:03:25.000 Should we do a DVD or a CD? We should do a goddamn DVD. All right, we're going to do that. 0.99

02:03:30.000 It pains me to no end that Joe Diaz does not have a DVD and a CD out. 0.99

02:03:34.000 And the name of it is going to be, even though you got a restraining order, I'm still going to fucking kill you. 0.99

02:03:39.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:03:41.000 That's the name of my album right there.

02:03:42.000 I like it.

02:03:43.000 I like it.

02:03:44.000 We will go with that.

02:03:45.000 Or what else he decides tomorrow. 1.00

02:03:47.000 Even though you don't have a restraining order, I'm still going to fucking kill you. 0.99

02:03:50.000 Let's plan this out right now so that people know where we're going to do this. 0.99

02:03:54.000 Where should we do this?

02:03:56.000 We're going to do this somewhere far.

02:03:57.000 You know what we should do?

02:03:58.000 Here's what we should do.

02:03:59.000 When I'm doing a weekend somewhere, like a Dallas weekend or Austin or something like that, where I'm doing Friday and Saturday and Sunday, how about we fly in Thursday, okay?

02:04:09.000 We play in Thursday.

02:04:10.000 Put it up on Twitter and the internet and I host it and I bring you up.

02:04:14.000 Let's do it.

02:04:14.000 I bring you up.

02:04:15.000 Fire it up already.

02:04:16.000 We record a DVD. Okay?

02:04:18.000 Let's do it.

02:04:18.000 So let's plan on doing that next time.

02:04:19.000 And part of the tub video is going to be on there that we shoot.

02:04:23.000 With the tank next week in Burbank.

02:04:25.000 That'll be on.

02:04:25.000 That's what we'll do.

02:04:26.000 I'll host it and we'll bring you up and we'll have, you know, you'll do like, do 45 minutes.

02:04:32.000 45 minutes.

02:04:32.000 Banging out.

02:04:33.000 And we'll have, you know, it'll be fucking perfect. 0.98

02:04:35.000 We'll get it. 0.94

02:04:36.000 We need to do that.

02:04:37.000 We've been needing to do that for a long time.

02:04:38.000 Hell yeah.

02:04:38.000 So if you need to see Joey, eventually you're going to get to see him on DVD. But for now, go to see him if you're in LA, Sal's Comedy Hall, Friday night and the improv 10 p.m.

02:04:48.000 show.

02:04:49.000 If you want to see me, House of Blues.

02:04:52.000 Friday night.

02:04:52.000 Friday night in Vegas.

02:04:53.000 Stay black. 1.00

02:04:54.000 It's going to be the shit. 1.00

02:04:56.000 It's going to be the shit. 1.00

02:04:57.000 The House of Blues. 0.99

02:04:58.000 And the House of Blues, by the way, if you've ever seen me there before and it was chaos, we completely revamped the whole situation.

02:05:03.000 There's no more standing.

02:05:05.000 After we went to see Doug Stanhope, Brian and I went to see Doug Stanhope, and Ari went too, and it was so tiring just standing up.

02:05:11.000 Oh, it was awful.

02:05:12.000 It's hard.

02:05:12.000 I did not know it was that hard to watch a show.

02:05:14.000 I figured it was just like, if I'm standing on stage for an hour and a half, I think it's no big deal to stand and watch, but it's a big deal. 0.99

02:05:19.000 It's annoying as fuck. 0.96

02:05:21.000 Especially because when I'm on stage, I can walk around and move, and it doesn't feel so... 0.98

02:05:24.000 It made me hate the comedy.

02:05:26.000 When you're standing, you have to stand in one spot, too.

02:05:29.000 And I kept moving my arms and stretching, my back started hurting.

02:05:33.000 Not fun.

02:05:33.000 So I decided after that time, no more standing room shows.

02:05:37.000 We made one mistake. 0.99

02:05:38.000 We did Memphis, that one fucking show in Memphis, which was a disaster, right? 0.98

02:05:42.000 Half the show was standing, and it was all a bar, and everybody was talking at the top of their voice. 0.98

02:05:47.000 And there was no other venue available in Memphis when we were there, so we took it, but...

02:05:52.000 When we do the House of Blues now, everybody's seated.

02:05:55.000 So they had to cut out a few hundred seats because they used to let a few hundred people stand over by the bar area.

02:06:03.000 But it became a disaster. 0.99

02:06:05.000 Everybody would talk and they would yell shit out and they would annoy the fuck out of the people that were sitting. 0.99

02:06:09.000 So now it's sweet. 0.99

02:06:10.000 It's nice.

02:06:11.000 Everyone's seated.

02:06:12.000 So that is 8 o'clock on Friday.

02:06:15.000 And then after that, if you're around, Steel Panther is at midnight.

02:06:19.000 We're going to go see that too. 0.99

02:06:20.000 Steel Panther, the fucking rock show. 1.00

02:06:22.000 It's the shit. 1.00

02:06:23.000 Yeah, I can't wait. 1.00

02:06:25.000 Yeah, it was going to be fun, man.

02:06:26.000 The guy is the greatest Ozzy Osbourne impression in the history of the universe.

02:06:30.000 All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning into the podcast.

02:06:33.000 We appreciate it, and we'll be back next week.

02:06:36.000 And that's it.

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 29, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #28 - Joey Diaz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript