The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #29

00:00:03.000 Bam!

00:00:04.000 Ladies and gentlemen, day 27. Is that what it is, Brian?

00:00:09.000 Yeah.

00:00:10.000 Week 27?

00:00:11.000 Or podcast 27, right?

00:00:12.000 We did two in a week once.

00:00:14.000 That was a crazy week.

00:00:16.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the weekly Ustream podcast.

00:00:22.000 It's been fucking weekly, man.

00:00:23.000 Actually, it's 29. We're way late.

00:00:27.000 Podcast 29. It's amazing that we kept with it for this long.

00:00:30.000 Yeah.

00:00:31.000 And it's also amazing that I never did anything like this before.

00:00:33.000 It is.

00:00:34.000 It takes me so long to get into a groove with anything.

00:00:38.000 It took me so long to accept email lists and MySpace and all that shit.

00:00:43.000 For the longest time, I was like, I don't want to get involved in promoting myself.

00:00:47.000 Fuck that.

00:00:48.000 Fuck advertising shows.

00:00:50.000 Just get on the radio and just do it like normal.

00:00:52.000 But then you see all these other dudes that are doing it that way and they're doing so well with it.

00:00:56.000 What happened to your shit?

00:00:57.000 I think MySpace is the first one that actually went crazy.

00:01:00.000 That made you realize the power of the internet.

00:01:02.000 Like Fleshlight.

00:01:03.000 Yeah.

00:01:04.000 Well, the MySpace days, that was the Comedy Store days, and when we were using the MySpace, the fucking Comedy Store was sold out every weekend, and it was just because of MySpace, which didn't...

00:01:14.000 Before then, man, you could never have...

00:01:17.000 They would have to drive by and just know that you're there because of the billboard, or just know that you're there because of word of mouth.

00:01:23.000 But we could throw it up on MySpace, and it was nothing.

00:01:25.000 Now...

00:01:26.000 Or a schoolyard of paper boys going, Mr. Mr. MySpace is a fucking dinosaur.

00:01:33.000 You know why?

00:01:34.000 Because MySpace didn't adapt.

00:01:35.000 I logged in last night.

00:01:37.000 Did you?

00:01:37.000 First time in, I think, like two months.

00:01:39.000 Went through three or four pages of people that were fake people asking me to talk and stuff like that.

00:01:44.000 One new person going, hey dude, here's my Facebook page.

00:01:47.000 Add me.

00:01:49.000 Yeah, every now and then I'll go and read a little bit of the fan mail, but it's just not worth it.

00:01:53.000 It's a graveyard.

00:01:55.000 It's like going to Chernobyl after the blast and talking to the people that are still there.

00:01:59.000 Like, God, man, get out of here.

00:02:01.000 Why are you here?

00:02:01.000 What are you using MySpace for?

00:02:03.000 Patton Oswalt use MySpace still, though.

00:02:05.000 Ladies and gentlemen, before we get going, our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:02:09.000 I show it every week, and I don't know if that's like, I feel like one of Barker's beauties.

00:02:15.000 I'm supposed to be demonstrating the product.

00:02:18.000 But what it is, is basically a masturbation tool, if you haven't used it before.

00:02:23.000 We talk about it every week.

00:02:25.000 It's fucking fantastic.

00:02:26.000 As far as beating off, if you beat off, and I know you do, it's way better than just regular beating off.

00:02:32.000 It's not that much money.

00:02:33.000 How much money does it cost, Brian?

00:02:34.000 I don't know, but you get 15% off if you go on your website.

00:02:37.000 You don't know how much at all?

00:02:38.000 I think it's like $69, $59.

00:02:40.000 Let's find out for these nice people.

00:02:41.000 I did your tip, though, this week, and it's kind of, of course, a crazy thing happened.

00:02:45.000 Every time I do anything with a flashlight, something crazy happens.

00:02:47.000 The warm water thing?

00:02:48.000 No, I put it outside to let it heat up.

00:02:52.000 Of course, my landlords often go out in the back to smoke, because they work above me.

00:02:58.000 And they see this rubber pussy out in the sun?

00:03:01.000 They saw it out in the sun.

00:03:03.000 Oh my god, dude.

00:03:04.000 Because when I went to pick it up, they were sitting out there.

00:03:06.000 If you go to the flashlight, it says, this website contains explicit adult material.

00:03:11.000 How crazy is it that you go to a website that has rubber pussies, and they have this crazy fucking warning that you're about to see explicit adult material?

00:03:20.000 I mean, do they have porn on their site?

00:03:23.000 Okay, they have a guy and a girl.

00:03:24.000 Not even nudity.

00:03:25.000 Those girls have clothes on.

00:03:27.000 There was a guy and a girl in bed, but the girl had a bra and panties on.

00:03:30.000 And if you're looking at all these flashlights, man, it's like, okay, yeah, it's a rubber body part.

00:03:36.000 Is that really like something you need to have a little warning to click through?

00:03:40.000 You go to those sites where you see violence, you know, you don't see shit like that.

00:03:43.000 Yeah, why can you just walk into a hustler store without them stopping and telling you the same thing?

00:03:48.000 There's not a lot of hustler stores out there in the world, is there?

00:03:50.000 There's stores just like it.

00:03:52.000 Like porn stores.

00:03:53.000 That is one of those weird things when we go on the road and we see these fucking towns.

00:03:58.000 If you go to...

00:04:00.000 What's a good example of one that had a bunch of them?

00:04:05.000 Youngstown, Ohio.

00:04:06.000 I was doing shows in Youngstown, Ohio and there's a bunch of those.

00:04:09.000 Little, sad, 24-hour, neon-lit adult shops.

00:04:13.000 That's just like reluctant body maintenance.

00:04:19.000 Poor, sad fucks.

00:04:21.000 And those places just wandering around, looking depressed, Pushing those beads apart.

00:04:26.000 It's like, why do they have to use beads?

00:04:27.000 Beads make fucking noise, right?

00:04:29.000 When you push those beads apart and they click and you go back into the dirty, dirty area and see all the cocksucking videos and shit.

00:04:36.000 I used to work at a video store that had an adult room and it was open 24 hours a day.

00:04:40.000 And it was kind of cool because you'd walk, you know, somebody would be walking up like a hot chick and you're like, please let them go in the adult room.

00:04:45.000 You know, of course, they just walk up and goes, you know, we're designing women season two, you know, or something.

00:04:51.000 The craziest thing happened is an old teacher of mine, first grade teacher, went in there, a woman, and got porn, and I could only hope it was for like a party.

00:05:00.000 You saw her?

00:05:01.000 Yeah, I waited on her.

00:05:02.000 She probably didn't recognize me because I was like 20, and she was like an older lady.

00:05:09.000 So this is your first grade teacher?

00:05:11.000 Yeah, first grade teacher.

00:05:12.000 Wow.

00:05:13.000 So first grade is what, seven, six?

00:05:14.000 Yeah.

00:05:14.000 What is that, six?

00:05:15.000 I don't know.

00:05:16.000 Something like that.

00:05:16.000 And because I rang her up, I also saw her last name was like Miss Ba-Ba-Ba, and I'm like, oh, that's totally her.

00:05:22.000 Anyway, she got the, that's when I found out that Sylvester Stallone did a porn called The Italian Stallion, and that's what she had got.

00:05:30.000 I don't think that was real porn, though.

00:05:32.000 I think it was one of those showtime, 3 o'clock in the morning porns.

00:05:35.000 Right.

00:05:36.000 So I think that I thought, oh, this is for a gag.

00:05:40.000 This is for a party.

00:05:41.000 I accept this.

00:05:42.000 But see, I could also see her whole history, and it was like Big Black Dick 5. It was like she only rented porn.

00:05:49.000 Wow.

00:05:49.000 68, 70 maybe she was.

00:05:51.000 She was 70. That bitch is a freak.

00:05:53.000 That's crazy.

00:05:55.000 Just keeping it alive, huh?

00:05:56.000 Yeah.

00:05:57.000 Woo!

00:05:58.000 So you don't think that Italian Stallion was a real porn?

00:06:00.000 I don't know.

00:06:00.000 I never watched it.

00:06:01.000 I'm just talking out of my ass, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

00:06:03.000 I'm pretty sure it was like some fake 3 o'clock in the morning shit.

00:06:06.000 We had it at the porn side.

00:06:07.000 I saw a chick that I used to date in one of those fake 3 o'clock in the morning porns where a dude was fake boning her.

00:06:14.000 It's like the dude was just a little too low.

00:06:16.000 Right.

00:06:17.000 Like she was like up high, a little too high.

00:06:19.000 You know, it's like you tell their groin isn't really touching.

00:06:22.000 Right.

00:06:22.000 One of those, you know?

00:06:23.000 It was really freaky.

00:06:25.000 I was by myself, and I was flipping through the channels, and it's like, whoa, here's a person that, you know, I hadn't seen her in years, a long time ago.

00:06:33.000 So it was like, I dated her over, you know, 12 years ago, 13, 14 years ago, even.

00:06:39.000 So seeing her, it was like, wow, this is kind of strange.

00:06:42.000 Like, I'm watching someone that I used to know, and then they're fucking in a movie.

00:06:46.000 Even though it's not real.

00:06:48.000 What do you think it's like if your high school sweetheart turns into Sasha Gray or something like that?

00:06:53.000 I can tell you what it's like.

00:06:54.000 I know what it's like.

00:06:55.000 It's weird, man.

00:06:56.000 I don't even like thinking about it.

00:06:58.000 No, no, no.

00:06:59.000 You don't know what it's like because in your situation, the person that If any person we're talking about is an actual real person.

00:07:05.000 Right.

00:07:06.000 These are people that you met when you knew that they already did that thing.

00:07:09.000 Right.

00:07:09.000 It's a big thing to have a girl have it be your girlfriend.

00:07:13.000 Right.

00:07:13.000 This is my girl.

00:07:14.000 Oh, and see her later.

00:07:15.000 And then there's some fucking brute just doggy styling her.

00:07:18.000 Yeah.

00:07:18.000 And sweating and spitting on her and shit.

00:07:20.000 Ugh, you fucking bitch, you like that?

00:07:22.000 And you're like, whoa, that guy's fucking the shit out of my ex-girlfriend.

00:07:26.000 Yeah.

00:07:26.000 Especially real porn.

00:07:28.000 Yeah.

00:07:29.000 I've never found old porn of a girl I've dated.

00:07:33.000 Have you ever done that?

00:07:34.000 You're going through their old photos and they go, no, don't look at that!

00:07:37.000 I'm not a snoopy motherfucker snooping around witches' laptops.

00:07:41.000 Have you ever done that?

00:07:42.000 Where they're going through photos like, oh, this is my old boyfriend.

00:07:45.000 Oh, you don't want to see this photo.

00:07:47.000 No, but I do always get sad when girls try to make me jealous.

00:07:52.000 Like using that?

00:07:53.000 I've always been sad.

00:07:54.000 My whole life I've always thought that was one of the weakest things ever.

00:07:57.000 When someone...

00:07:58.000 You can tell the only reason why they're bringing this up or they're talking about their ex is to try to fuck with your head.

00:08:04.000 It never works.

00:08:06.000 It makes you feel uncomfortable.

00:08:07.000 But the uncomfort that I feel is, oh, you're not as cool as I thought you were.

00:08:13.000 And now you're creepy and you're trying to fuck with me.

00:08:15.000 Okay, can I talk you out of this?

00:08:18.000 Can I tell you that this is not necessary?

00:08:20.000 And we're just two people that...

00:08:22.000 We're enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other.

00:08:24.000 We don't have to play any stupid games that we've already played in the past.

00:08:27.000 We should all learn, right?

00:08:28.000 I played some stupid games when I was a little kid.

00:08:31.000 I had to learn that they were dumb.

00:08:33.000 So when someone doesn't know that games like that are dumb, like jealousy games, I'm like, fucking really?

00:08:38.000 You know, come on, man.

00:08:40.000 What am I, a fucking child?

00:08:41.000 Cut this shit.

00:08:42.000 So another guy fucked you?

00:08:44.000 That's crazy!

00:08:45.000 Get out of here!

00:08:46.000 I couldn't...

00:08:46.000 I can't believe it!

00:08:47.000 You're hot and you're 26 and another guy's fucked you already?

00:08:51.000 Jesus Christ.

00:08:52.000 Was this recent?

00:08:53.000 Was this...

00:08:54.000 That bitch is probably sucking somebody's dick an hour before she picked you up.

00:08:58.000 She's fucking crazy.

00:08:59.000 It makes me wonder if that shit ever goes away because it doesn't seem like it is.

00:09:02.000 Does my mom get in a fight with her boyfriend and just do stupid shit like that?

00:09:06.000 Yes, it goes away.

00:09:07.000 For sure it goes away.

00:09:08.000 With maturity, everything evolves.

00:09:10.000 The problem is when people go from one shit relationship to the next shit relationship and they never get traction.

00:09:16.000 As a human being.

00:09:17.000 Never get traction and never realize.

00:09:19.000 And if you have shit friends on top of that, which a lot of girls do, man.

00:09:22.000 Especially pretty girls.

00:09:24.000 A lot of pretty girls, their friends be hating.

00:09:25.000 You know?

00:09:26.000 It's tough, man.

00:09:27.000 Because for them, it's like, if you're out with a pretty girl, if you're a girl and you're out with a pretty girl, no one is going to pay attention to you.

00:09:33.000 Everyone's going to pay attention to her.

00:09:35.000 And she didn't even do anything to deserve this.

00:09:37.000 She was just born this way.

00:09:39.000 And you're so much funnier and so much cooler and you'd be so much better girlfriend.

00:09:43.000 And you will get crazy for that bitch and you'll try to trip her up.

00:09:46.000 You'll want her to fail.

00:09:47.000 You'll hope she falls and breaks her fucking nose.

00:09:50.000 Literally.

00:09:51.000 You're tired.

00:09:52.000 She's stealing from you.

00:09:53.000 She's stealing male attention from you.

00:09:56.000 That's how a lot of chicks feel about hot chicks, man.

00:09:58.000 They don't like it.

00:09:59.000 So anything like that, man, if that's your situation...

00:10:03.000 If you're around people like that that are douchey to you and you're around ex-boyfriends who are douchey to you, you can get into a bad grind where you just automatically get douchey first because you think they're going to get douchey first and you want to get the upper hand.

00:10:15.000 You ever get in those relationships where you can tell that someone's fucking with you just to get the upper hand and expecting more?

00:10:22.000 It's so annoying.

00:10:23.000 And the worst is when you go with it just to see where it goes.

00:10:28.000 The worst for me is if I get involved in it and I haven't been working out.

00:10:34.000 Especially when I was younger.

00:10:35.000 Dude, when I was younger, I did not have such a good judgment, and I still don't sometimes, about when to argue and when to just go, what the fuck am I arguing over?

00:10:44.000 Back then, I just argued automatically.

00:10:45.000 I'm like, you're not going to stop me from arguing.

00:10:47.000 Fuck you.

00:10:48.000 And it would just turn ugly every time.

00:10:50.000 Every time I got in an argument with somebody, it would turn ugly.

00:10:53.000 But as I got older, any kind of relationship like that, when shit comes up, I try very, very hard now to just look at it and go, what is the purpose of all this?

00:11:04.000 Who gives a shit if you're right?

00:11:06.000 Who gives a shit if you're wrong?

00:11:08.000 Here's what I want.

00:11:09.000 I want to be around people that I enjoy talking to.

00:11:12.000 And I know there can't really be this many problems that we fight all the time.

00:11:16.000 If there's this many problems that we fight all the time...

00:11:19.000 Where is that coming from?

00:11:20.000 That's got to be a personality thing because I don't have that many problems in my life.

00:11:23.000 My life's pretty smooth.

00:11:24.000 Most of the people in my life are very nice.

00:11:26.000 Most of the people in my life, we enjoy each other's company.

00:11:29.000 I mean, everybody has like here and there.

00:11:32.000 There'll be issues with any human being where someone sees something totally differently, but you can talk it through.

00:11:36.000 And if you're really good friends, you work it out and everything's cool and nobody ever gets ugly.

00:11:41.000 You know, but the real key, man, is finding other people that go along with that.

00:11:46.000 Because as soon as you go with someone who's used to douchey shit and is used to insulting you and is used to playing games, as soon as you go into that and you dive into that world, man, you're fucked.

00:11:57.000 No progress.

00:11:58.000 Yeah.

00:11:58.000 No fun.

00:11:59.000 And then it's so hard to get out of it.

00:12:00.000 So hard!

00:12:01.000 And then once you get out of it, you're so sad because you got out of it and you have to get back in it just because you felt so sad for getting out of that.

00:12:07.000 Well, being alone, man, when you just got out of a relationship and then all of a sudden you're alone and lonely, Those are the darkest, emptiest, most hollow moments as an adult human being.

00:12:16.000 That feeling is a terrible, terrible feeling.

00:12:18.000 Most people just aren't equipped to understand rationally what's really going on.

00:12:22.000 Like, why are you so upset?

00:12:24.000 How much of this is just evolutionary?

00:12:25.000 How much is this that's been designed into the whole human mechanism to feel dreadful every time you're left alone, to feel terrible every time you're rejected?

00:12:37.000 Being rejected by someone you don't even know is brutally painful.

00:12:41.000 Why is that?

00:12:42.000 Why would you even care?

00:12:43.000 If it was a dude who didn't like you, If you had no desire to fuck that person, if you just came up to a dude and a dude was like, look at you, you're not even good looking, you'd be like, fuck you, faggot.

00:12:53.000 You wouldn't care at all.

00:12:54.000 It wouldn't change your opinion of yourself at all.

00:12:56.000 But when a chick does it to you, it's devastating.

00:12:59.000 Especially if it's a chick that you're attracted to.

00:13:01.000 But it's all evolution.

00:13:03.000 It's all set up that way to try to get you to be as attractive as possible and to make very stringent standards that what people find and don't find attractive.

00:13:14.000 It's to make you operate at a higher level.

00:13:17.000 I think it's all just designed to make you work harder as a human being to become more impressive as a mate.

00:13:24.000 And in doing so and in becoming more impressive as a mate, you get to contribute more to society.

00:13:29.000 You'll create more energy.

00:13:30.000 You'll create more money.

00:13:31.000 You'll create more whatever you do.

00:13:33.000 Whether you're in technology, you'll innovate more.

00:13:36.000 If you're in art, you'll produce more art.

00:13:38.000 You want to prove your worth.

00:13:39.000 And so that craziness allows people to shine.

00:13:45.000 I can't find that girl, though.

00:13:47.000 I can't find that partner who's on the same level as me.

00:13:50.000 It seems like they always act like the same level, but then once you get into it, they were just kind of mimicking what they thought that level was supposed to be.

00:13:59.000 It is that, too, but it's also that they want you to be something that you're not.

00:14:03.000 They want you to be not even a real person.

00:14:05.000 A lot of people have an idea in their head that's really almost kind of based on movies.

00:14:11.000 What was it like before the 1800s?

00:14:13.000 Based on movies, totally better.

00:14:15.000 Yeah, everybody.

00:14:16.000 But that's how it is.

00:14:17.000 You see movies and everything works out fucking awesome in the movies.

00:14:20.000 And you go, well, that's what life is like, right?

00:14:22.000 Life is like this.

00:14:23.000 This is my model of life.

00:14:25.000 Sandra Bullock movies.

00:14:26.000 You get trapped in your head thinking, well, maybe he's not the one.

00:14:31.000 Maybe there is another one.

00:14:32.000 God damn, what is this crazy?

00:14:34.000 What about you?

00:14:35.000 Are you the one?

00:14:36.000 You're probably not the one.

00:14:37.000 It might be you.

00:14:39.000 The fucking problem might be you over and over again.

00:14:42.000 With everybody.

00:14:43.000 That's kind of like the fight club relationship where the whole time it actually is you.

00:14:47.000 Yeah, right?

00:14:49.000 Well, dude, I've been that guy.

00:14:51.000 I've totally been that guy.

00:14:52.000 Start arguments and relationships for no reason.

00:14:54.000 Just because I was frustrated with my own life, especially when I was really young.

00:14:57.000 I was like 20. When I was like 20 and 21, I would start stupid arguments with girls I was dating over nothing.

00:15:02.000 But it wasn't really them that was the problem.

00:15:05.000 It was really me.

00:15:06.000 It was really me being frustrated all the time with my life And trying to, like, being, like, hyper-ambitious and trying to, like, get ahead in my life, but really terrified that I was going to be a loser.

00:15:17.000 So I would, you know, always be, like, under stress.

00:15:20.000 And if, you know, anything annoyed me about a chick, I would, like, be like, why do you even talk like that?

00:15:25.000 Meanwhile, that's such a douchey thing to do, to take your frustrations out on someone else.

00:15:30.000 But when you're doing it, when you're wrapped up in it, man, especially if that's everyone in your family, that's everyone you're friends with, that's the only way you know.

00:15:38.000 It takes a long time to learn to not communicate shitty to people.

00:15:41.000 If you're stuck in like a shitty communication pattern, fuck that's hard to snap out of, man.

00:15:47.000 It's very hard.

00:15:49.000 Very hard to recognize how other people are seeing you.

00:15:52.000 Like so many people don't think that they come off as assholes.

00:15:55.000 They think they're just playing around and everybody's like, oh, this guy's such a douche.

00:15:58.000 Get him away from me.

00:15:59.000 It's like, what do you fuck?

00:16:00.000 You can't take a joke?

00:16:01.000 It's not a joke if I don't think it's funny.

00:16:03.000 It's not a joke if no one else is laughing but you.

00:16:06.000 That's not a joke.

00:16:07.000 That's you being a douchebag and laughing about being a douchebag.

00:16:11.000 What the fuck, Brian?

00:16:12.000 How do we fix the world?

00:16:13.000 Definitely not alcohol because it seems like more...

00:16:16.000 That's the anti-fixture.

00:16:18.000 Vegas really taught me a lot about alcohol.

00:16:21.000 Just seeing people on alcohol is just weird sometimes.

00:16:25.000 It does terrible things for your judgment.

00:16:27.000 I enjoyed myself so much more Saturday night.

00:16:29.000 I had water.

00:16:30.000 I drank water all night.

00:16:31.000 We went to that party.

00:16:32.000 Smoked a little weed.

00:16:33.000 It was fun, you know?

00:16:35.000 The problem with alcohol is everybody else is drinking too, and you wind up getting in stupid conversations over nothing.

00:16:41.000 Dude, we got to hang out with Doug Benson, and I've never really even talked to him before.

00:16:45.000 You know, I've seen him a couple times.

00:16:46.000 But hanging out with Doug Benson, Stone with a couple beers in us, I fucking had to dance off with him for, what, two hours?

00:16:54.000 Me and him were dancing.

00:16:56.000 I mean, I never fucking danced.

00:16:57.000 He's a good dude.

00:16:58.000 We really enjoyed hanging out with him.

00:17:00.000 He's a real good dude.

00:17:02.000 I've never really...

00:17:03.000 I've done his podcast before.

00:17:04.000 You know, I've seen him, like...

00:17:06.000 Here and there at clubs.

00:17:06.000 I talk to him every now and then.

00:17:08.000 But this is the most time I ever spent with him by far.

00:17:10.000 We went to dinner with him and talked to him a lot.

00:17:13.000 He's just cool, man.

00:17:14.000 Really cool guy.

00:17:15.000 And I always questioned how much he really enjoyed pot.

00:17:18.000 And I will never question his pot likeness again.

00:17:21.000 He fucking was smoking.

00:17:21.000 You really questioned it?

00:17:22.000 That's so funny.

00:17:23.000 Stoners are always doing that.

00:17:24.000 He ain't legit.

00:17:25.000 Yeah, you know why?

00:17:26.000 And I've totally felt for something that happens to you every day almost.

00:17:30.000 It's where you go up to him like, dude.

00:17:31.000 Come on, smoke weed.

00:17:32.000 You want to smoke a joint?

00:17:33.000 And he's just like, no, what are you talking about?

00:17:34.000 But I mean, it's also like, you know, we're hanging out with other comics and stuff.

00:17:38.000 So it's a little different, but still.

00:17:40.000 That happens to me how often?

00:17:42.000 Every day.

00:17:43.000 Every time we're out at a club, it seems like.

00:17:45.000 Every time, everywhere.

00:17:46.000 And you're like, you don't know who these people are.

00:17:47.000 Like, they could have crazy shit in their weed.

00:17:49.000 Dude, I got your organ iron acid.

00:17:51.000 And I got to drive home and, you know.

00:17:54.000 Double rainbows!

00:17:56.000 Yeah.

00:17:58.000 When he's talking about Double Rainbow, look up Double Rainbow on YouTube.

00:18:01.000 Dude, have you heard the remix yet?

00:18:03.000 No, I don't want to see the remix.

00:18:04.000 Oh, no, no.

00:18:05.000 I saw it.

00:18:06.000 Too much.

00:18:07.000 I even watched the whole video.

00:18:08.000 I watched like half of the video and I shut it off.

00:18:10.000 I get it.

00:18:11.000 I get it.

00:18:11.000 He's freaking out over rainbows.

00:18:12.000 The remix, they did the robot voice with the voice and they edited it real quick.

00:18:16.000 Kind of like Tim and Eric.

00:18:18.000 Auto-tune.

00:18:18.000 And they edited it like Tim and Eric style.

00:18:20.000 How did that auto-tune shit catch on?

00:18:22.000 What the fuck happened to people, man?

00:18:23.000 Dude, I got T-Pain on my iPhone.

00:18:25.000 Do you?

00:18:26.000 Yeah.

00:18:26.000 Do you like that stuff?

00:18:27.000 It's kind of cool just singing something that you thought of and then just changing the lyrics and the next thing you know you can actually make it into a real song.

00:18:34.000 Even if it's like you're going...

00:18:36.000 That song, that Drake song, It's Over, does he use that shit, autotune?

00:18:41.000 Because I kind of like that song.

00:18:42.000 Dude, I think everyone uses autotune in the pop industry right now.

00:18:45.000 The pop industry.

00:18:46.000 Like, Lindsay Lohan should be using pot.

00:18:49.000 The pot.

00:18:49.000 Autotune.

00:18:50.000 Lindsay's gonna do some time now, huh?

00:18:52.000 Yeah, 90 days.

00:18:52.000 Lindsay Lohan, if you don't know, ladies and gentlemen, Brian says...

00:18:55.000 Where'd you read this off of?

00:18:56.000 I watched it live on CBS. Live.

00:18:59.000 You know, they put it on video.

00:19:00.000 Live courtroom.

00:19:01.000 She's gonna do 90 days in jail.

00:19:03.000 That is crazy.

00:19:04.000 She has to turn herself in two weeks unless she suicides.

00:19:06.000 But she still has to wear the bracelet so she can't drink every day.

00:19:11.000 And they made it like a big deal.

00:19:12.000 Like, we want to switch to a blood...

00:19:14.000 A blood thing instead of, you know, the scram.

00:19:17.000 And the reason why she wants to do that, because if you drink alcohol at midnight, like by 4 a.m., it's not in your blood anymore.

00:19:23.000 And that's why Lindsay wants to do that.

00:19:24.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

00:19:25.000 So it's so funny that, and the thing that really got to me was where the judge, like, heard Lindsay crying and stuff, and the judge finally goes, all right, you lied here, you lied here, you lied here, you lied here.

00:19:36.000 Next case, you lied here, you lied here.

00:19:38.000 Like, it went through, like, four cases of, like, seven cases.

00:19:41.000 I don't know if locking someone up in jail is the best way to deal with this, but this should all be a bright example to people.

00:19:51.000 A really prominent example to people how you shouldn't make your fucking kids famous.

00:19:57.000 How many kids have to become incredibly fucked up from being famous child actors before we look at it and go, this is nuts.

00:20:06.000 There's no way you should be doing that to a child.

00:20:08.000 There's no way you should be...

00:20:10.000 Developing as a human being, getting your shit together, getting your ego together is hard enough as it is.

00:20:15.000 But to have that developing and getting your shit together and then mix it with fame?

00:20:20.000 Dude, can you imagine like 10 years from now, Will Smith's kid's going to jump on your back and slice her necks?

00:20:26.000 Dude, no, he's probably just going to be sad.

00:20:29.000 Or who knows, man?

00:20:29.000 Will is a really brilliant guy.

00:20:31.000 He's a very smart guy.

00:20:33.000 He might figure out a way to raise his kid correctly through this, but...

00:20:36.000 What an incredible fucking chore.

00:20:38.000 What an incredible responsibility.

00:20:41.000 The amount of pressure you put on the kid because kids, you know, they can get spoiled so easy.

00:20:46.000 Their perspective can get fucked up so quickly.

00:20:48.000 They haven't really developed character.

00:20:50.000 And to have a kid really be in a position where he never really has to overcome the same adversity that the rest of us have, he just doesn't have the opportunity to develop the character that the rest of us are going to have.

00:21:00.000 The regular people that have to go through life and make their way as an adult and evolve as an adult and Being an adult without money where you're in a situation where you're like, wow, I've got to figure out a way to get through this.

00:21:10.000 To not have any fame whatsoever.

00:21:13.000 Have to get by on your personality instead of get by on the fact that you're famous when you were six.

00:21:17.000 I heard that the first eight years of your life, you learn 88% of what makes you who you are today.

00:21:25.000 From walking all the way to how you react to certain things and the rest is what you have to deal with.

00:21:32.000 Yeah, I've read some stuff about it up to two years old.

00:21:37.000 I didn't read up to eight, but it makes sense.

00:21:39.000 I mean, a lot of who you are as a human being is based on what kind of input you got when your mind was developing.

00:21:46.000 It only makes sense.

00:21:47.000 Your mind is going to prepare for a certain world.

00:21:49.000 You know, they say that babies born into really high-stress, violent families where there's a lot of shouting and yelling and, you know, too many people, like, if you're in a really bad neighborhood and, you know, too many people in your house, there's a lot of stress all the time.

00:22:03.000 Babies born literally are wired different than babies that are born into calm households.

00:22:08.000 And babies that are born into calm households, the less stress you have, the more chilled out the baby can be.

00:22:14.000 But if you have a really, really tense mom, that kid's going to come out just ready to snap.

00:22:19.000 That kid's going to come out recognizing danger.

00:22:21.000 I had this long talk on a plane with Michael Irvin.

00:22:25.000 Michael Irvin was on a plane to Australia.

00:22:27.000 We were all going to the UFC. He was going there to do some football thing with Russell Crowe.

00:22:32.000 And I had met him because I did Best Damn Sports Show, period.

00:22:36.000 And he was on it.

00:22:37.000 And he's a real cool guy, man.

00:22:38.000 A very down-to-earth, normal dude.

00:22:40.000 And so he and I were talking.

00:22:41.000 We're just talking about kids getting involved in martial arts and kids getting involved in sports.

00:22:47.000 And he was talking about what he was like when he was young.

00:22:50.000 He's trying to teach kids about controlling themselves, teach kids about keeping their shit together.

00:22:56.000 And this was right after that dude.

00:22:58.000 I don't remember the football player, but he was chasing after his girlfriend.

00:23:01.000 He jumped in the back of a truck and he fell out and died.

00:23:03.000 Yeah.

00:23:07.000 He was talking about that guy that was not thinking.

00:23:10.000 He was just reacting.

00:23:11.000 You don't do shit like that when you're thinking.

00:23:14.000 But these guys aren't thinking.

00:23:15.000 They just react.

00:23:16.000 And he's trying to teach them how to put some steps in there to consider things before you act and recognize that there's a reason why you're so quick to behave like that.

00:23:26.000 And that these people, these reckless type people are the ones who are always involved in really strong competitive athletics like fighting and football and shit like that.

00:23:35.000 It's because they're so much more quick to react.

00:23:37.000 They're so much more explosive.

00:23:39.000 A lot of it is just stress-based.

00:23:41.000 So many fighters are born from shitty households.

00:23:44.000 So many.

00:23:46.000 Yeah.

00:23:47.000 I mean, it's not a prerequisite.

00:23:48.000 There's guys from strong families that still are great fighters because they just accept that, you know, they just love the challenge.

00:23:54.000 Like, George St. Pierre is a perfect example of that.

00:23:56.000 Very close with his dad.

00:23:57.000 But a lot of guys come from fucking broken homes, man.

00:24:00.000 And there's something in that.

00:24:02.000 There's something in that.

00:24:03.000 The fury is just a little more intense from a dude who grows up without a dad or a dude who grows up in, like, a real shitty situation, you know?

00:24:12.000 It's fucking crazy, man, when you really stop and think about it.

00:24:15.000 It's crazy that anybody would want their kid to be famous.

00:24:19.000 The Lindsay Lohan thing.

00:24:20.000 This should be the last straw.

00:24:22.000 Yeah.

00:24:22.000 Well, there should be some condo laws about it, definitely.

00:24:25.000 But I think most of the people that have their kids, it's because they're broken dreams and they're using their kids to...

00:24:31.000 Do you think that's it?

00:24:32.000 Or is it just a lack of awareness?

00:24:33.000 Their lack of real consideration?

00:24:36.000 You see, nobody thinks it's an offensive thing.

00:24:38.000 Like, you know, if you tell them, you know, oh, my daughter's acting.

00:24:43.000 She's in a commercial.

00:24:44.000 They go, oh, good for you.

00:24:45.000 Nobody ever goes, wow, what are you doing?

00:24:47.000 Like, why are you putting your kid on TV? Nobody ever says that.

00:24:49.000 Nobody ever says it like, whoa, you're going to fuck your kid up.

00:24:52.000 You're going to get your kid famous?

00:24:53.000 You know what the odds are?

00:24:54.000 If you got your kid famous, what are the odds your kid's going to grow up and be a mess?

00:24:58.000 It's like 90%.

00:25:00.000 Why would you ever...

00:25:01.000 I mean, yeah, there's a few that get through it, and they're okay.

00:25:03.000 The Jodie Fosters of the world that seem to be adjusted.

00:25:06.000 But they're fucking rare, dude.

00:25:08.000 What are you doing?

00:25:08.000 Are you making a...

00:25:09.000 What?

00:25:09.000 What the fuck is that?

00:25:10.000 Oh, I forgot there was video.

00:25:12.000 He's making a...

00:25:13.000 Yeah.

00:25:13.000 He forgot?

00:25:14.000 Did you really forget?

00:25:15.000 He did.

00:25:15.000 He really did.

00:25:16.000 He's so fucking silly.

00:25:18.000 He made the lesbian lick the hand thing.

00:25:20.000 Oh...

00:25:21.000 Yeah, I mean, what the fuck, man?

00:25:23.000 To develop and to think that you're special right from the beginning...

00:25:27.000 I mean, Lindsay Lohan was famous from...

00:25:29.000 She was one of those Disney hookers, right?

00:25:32.000 So many Disney hookers.

00:25:33.000 There is.

00:25:33.000 They breed them.

00:25:34.000 They make these little hot little hookers.

00:25:36.000 Let's count them off.

00:25:38.000 Who are the Disney hookers?

00:25:39.000 Christina Aguilera?

00:25:40.000 Is she a Disney?

00:25:40.000 Well, Timberlake made it through.

00:25:42.000 Timberlake, is he cool?

00:25:43.000 He's got it together?

00:25:44.000 Dude, that dude's got it totally down.

00:25:47.000 Really?

00:25:47.000 Yeah, that super successful, right-headed.

00:25:49.000 Cool guy.

00:25:50.000 Well, he's still super successful, too, though.

00:25:52.000 There's never a drop-off.

00:25:53.000 They get a drop-off.

00:25:55.000 He's one of the top guys.

00:25:55.000 He's a Mariah Carey, you know, whatever.

00:25:57.000 When they drop off, that's when they get nuts, right?

00:25:59.000 Right.

00:26:00.000 It's hard to rebound.

00:26:01.000 And people want to see how far you fall and crash, so they kind of support your driving.

00:26:05.000 Right.

00:26:05.000 You know, they turn their energy on, wow, he's really failing.

00:26:07.000 You have to hit rock bottom, and then they'll let you come back up again.

00:26:11.000 But you have to Britney Spears it.

00:26:13.000 You have to fucking just ride that boat right into the rocks.

00:26:16.000 Now, do you think Britney has snapped back, or do you think she has just a new person that protects her non-stop?

00:26:22.000 You know, like, I am hired to make sure you don't fuck up ever again.

00:26:25.000 I think you don't fix that kind of crazy.

00:26:28.000 You don't fix it.

00:26:29.000 That shit is not fixable.

00:26:30.000 That's crazy to the bones, man.

00:26:33.000 She's fucking nuts.

00:26:37.000 They're not fixing anything.

00:26:38.000 That's a real simple case to me.

00:26:41.000 Case closed.

00:26:42.000 They're just handling her.

00:26:44.000 Or they marry Brian Austin Green.

00:26:45.000 What the fuck happened?

00:26:47.000 Oh, what's her face?

00:26:49.000 You think she's wacky too?

00:26:51.000 Well, she married Brian Austin Green.

00:26:52.000 Actually, I don't think she's wacky.

00:26:53.000 How young was she when she got famous?

00:26:55.000 She probably is a really cool chick if she married Brian Austin Green.

00:26:58.000 Well, yeah, right?

00:26:59.000 Think about that.

00:27:00.000 That guy's not even working anymore, right?

00:27:02.000 Yeah, she's probably the coolest chick ever.

00:27:03.000 Either that or Brian Austin Green is like a pimp of unimaginable proportions.

00:27:07.000 He might be a pimp.

00:27:08.000 Doesn't she have his name tattooed on her?

00:27:10.000 Yeah.

00:27:10.000 I say he's a pimp.

00:27:11.000 Dude, he has to be a pimp.

00:27:12.000 You know, you can hate all you want about Brian Austin Green.

00:27:13.000 I'm not hating.

00:27:14.000 I'm sorry.

00:27:14.000 Anybody can.

00:27:15.000 You know, you people out there, you want to hate?

00:27:17.000 What if that was you?

00:27:18.000 I don't know.

00:27:19.000 If you're at the Peach Pit, which guy would you choose, you know?

00:27:21.000 Peach Pit?

00:27:22.000 What the fuck?

00:27:23.000 You always have to take it to some dark, dark place.

00:27:26.000 This Brian Austin Green fellow, isn't he like a rapper now?

00:27:28.000 Doesn't he rap?

00:27:29.000 Does he really?

00:27:30.000 Yeah, doesn't he?

00:27:31.000 I don't know.

00:27:32.000 I didn't think he did anything.

00:27:33.000 Dude, I think we need to find out right now.

00:27:34.000 This is beautiful.

00:27:35.000 What a beautiful time to be alive in the internet.

00:27:38.000 If you have a question, you just throw that bitch into Google.

00:27:41.000 It's so simple.

00:27:44.000 Brian Austin Green rapping.

00:27:46.000 We are about to find out, ladies and gentlemen.

00:27:47.000 We don't have to go to the fucking library.

00:27:49.000 We don't have to go to a college and meet some experts.

00:27:54.000 Oh, Brian Austin.

00:27:55.000 Okay, that was on TV. That wasn't...

00:27:57.000 No, see, that's what I think it is.

00:27:58.000 I think it's just that he had it on his show.

00:28:01.000 Well, let's go into his wiki.

00:28:05.000 A moment in rap history.

00:28:08.000 That's...

00:28:10.000 Hmm.

00:28:22.000 Among his lyrical stylings, you're so precious to me, am I precious to you?

00:28:27.000 The answer, Brian, is yes.

00:28:31.000 Thank you.

00:28:35.000 Okay, that was so pointless.

00:28:38.000 We missed the very beginning of it.

00:28:39.000 It's still pointless.

00:28:40.000 We didn't have his rapping.

00:28:42.000 I mean, they had some of his lyrics.

00:28:43.000 I think they're just saying that he was a rapper.

00:28:45.000 But he was whack.

00:28:46.000 But we can't play it because then we'll have to pay him or something.

00:28:48.000 Oh, really?

00:28:49.000 You know, something like that.

00:28:50.000 Because that was on VH1. Well, they were also saying that he's whack.

00:28:53.000 I mean, they quoted his lyrics.

00:28:55.000 Yeah.

00:28:56.000 That's pretty whack.

00:28:57.000 That sucks.

00:28:58.000 That's just, like, those lyrics were so whack, like, you don't even have to pass a judgment on them.

00:29:02.000 You just play them for people and raise your eyeballs.

00:29:05.000 I go, hmm.

00:29:06.000 It's like you ever see that movie, Jesus Camp?

00:29:09.000 Yeah.

00:29:09.000 Crazy, crazy fucking movie.

00:29:11.000 And the best part about the movie is they didn't cast any judgment.

00:29:14.000 They just showed you these nutty motherfuckers that are out there raising kids to be Christian jihadists.

00:29:21.000 You don't have to.

00:29:22.000 You don't have to cast anything.

00:29:23.000 And the people are so nutty that they'll approve it.

00:29:25.000 You could show them the fucking video and they would say, yeah, that's our message.

00:29:30.000 You got our message down, sir.

00:29:31.000 That's a good documentary.

00:29:32.000 Meanwhile, anybody who saw that thing, it was like a fucking horror movie.

00:29:36.000 Taking little kids.

00:29:37.000 The best part is when they make them talk in tongues.

00:29:40.000 Did you see that part?

00:29:41.000 They would say, everyone now talk in tongues.

00:29:43.000 So the kids would go...

00:29:45.000 It's like God talking through them in tongues.

00:29:53.000 It's hilarious.

00:29:54.000 They're five years old, man.

00:29:55.000 Five years old, it's nonsense.

00:29:57.000 They love nonsense.

00:29:58.000 Five years old loves to talk nonsense.

00:30:00.000 All five-year-old kids do.

00:30:01.000 So you give them like a time of the day at school.

00:30:03.000 Alright kids, time to go nonsense.

00:30:05.000 So they just go full fantasy.

00:30:10.000 And they're talking in this made-up language, and it's obviously not a fucking language, because you're not saying anything.

00:30:16.000 I can tell when I'm listening to someone talk, even if they have a foreign language, I can tell if it's a real language.

00:30:22.000 You know, you hear someone talking in Chinese.

00:30:25.000 They're saying a bunch of crazy shit, but there's a flow to it where you know they're not saying the same sounds over and over and over and over again, which is what you do, because you have to invent all these sounds on the fly if you're making a fake language.

00:30:37.000 To have them vary to the point where it looks like it's an actual language, that's difficult.

00:30:43.000 So you start going, which is what they all do.

00:30:48.000 They're all uncreative fucks, and they're talking in tongues, and they're just making nonsense noises.

00:30:53.000 That's all they're doing, man.

00:30:54.000 And they're getting little kids to do this shit.

00:30:56.000 And they're telling these kids that you're warriors for Christ, and this woman was comparing them to Hamas and all these...

00:31:04.000 Terrorist organizations raise little jihadists.

00:31:06.000 She was literally comparing them.

00:31:08.000 She's comparing them.

00:31:09.000 Like, why don't we do that with Christianity?

00:31:11.000 Like, this would be a good thing.

00:31:12.000 The reason why these people are willing to blow themselves up is because they indoctrinated them into the world of radical Islam.

00:31:16.000 We can do the same thing, but for good.

00:31:18.000 She's like, but we're good.

00:31:19.000 Not seeing the irony in the brainwashing kids.

00:31:24.000 She's talking, well, they're getting brainwashed with the wrong thing.

00:31:27.000 But if we brainwash our kids with the truth and Jesus, I'm like, whoa.

00:31:32.000 They're a lot of raised kids.

00:31:33.000 I had two guys knock on my door today that were both my age dressed up in the white shirts and the ties and stuff like that.

00:31:40.000 Is that a Scientology or a Mormon thing?

00:31:41.000 That's a Mormon, right?

00:31:43.000 Mormons...

00:31:43.000 I just...

00:31:43.000 I laugh.

00:31:44.000 Mormons are some of the nicest fucking people.

00:31:46.000 I have to tell you.

00:31:47.000 It might be, but...

00:31:47.000 They're so nice, dude.

00:31:49.000 But I can't stop laughing at them, you know?

00:31:51.000 It's like I see...

00:31:52.000 It's ridiculous.

00:31:53.000 It's completely ridiculous.

00:31:54.000 The whole...

00:31:55.000 Look...

00:31:56.000 It's all ridiculous, though.

00:31:57.000 It's not that being a Muslim isn't ridiculous, but being a Jew is.

00:32:02.000 Everything's ridiculous.

00:32:04.000 Being a Catholic is ridiculous.

00:32:05.000 Being a Protestant is ridiculous.

00:32:07.000 Being a Baptist is ridiculous.

00:32:09.000 Being a Buddhist is ridiculous.

00:32:10.000 Being in anything is ridiculous.

00:32:12.000 You're a fucking human being.

00:32:13.000 And if you attach yourself and your mind to any ideology...

00:32:17.000 You're going to be on a road.

00:32:19.000 And that road may or may not lead you in a good direction.

00:32:22.000 But you're going to stay on that fucking road if you're attached to an ideology.

00:32:26.000 And it could be a terrible road.

00:32:27.000 It could be a road of, you know, circumcising your daughter's clitoris because that's a fucking tradition.

00:32:32.000 I mean, these fucking crazy bitches in Africa that cut holes in their lip and stretch them out to put plates on.

00:32:37.000 Why is that?

00:32:38.000 Because they got on a fucking road and they stuck with that road.

00:32:41.000 Regardless of rational thinking.

00:32:43.000 They didn't use rational thinking at all.

00:32:44.000 They just adapted a predetermined pattern of behavior that makes life so much more simple.

00:32:49.000 And that's what every fucking religion is.

00:32:50.000 The problem is no one knows.

00:32:52.000 You cannot know.

00:32:54.000 You can have your own beautiful personal experiences.

00:32:56.000 You could have been the person that was actually touched by God.

00:32:58.000 But when you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow your lead or the fucking world's going to end and Christians are going to be taken away, I know you're full of shit.

00:33:07.000 I know you're full of shit and you know you're full of shit.

00:33:09.000 And the real problem is that we can't say it, because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, the freedom to express yourself.

00:33:17.000 Even if you're expressing yourself with nonsense, nonsense that helps scared, lonely, sad people lock onto that nonsense so they feel like they're a part of something.

00:33:26.000 I mean, that's what it is.

00:33:27.000 It preys on people whose lives fucking suck.

00:33:30.000 So it's all nuts.

00:33:31.000 It's not like your shit's cool and my shit's not.

00:33:34.000 And it's not that, you know, yoga's the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer.

00:33:38.000 There's just questions.

00:33:40.000 And until we're honest about that, we're never going to evolve.

00:33:44.000 The human race is stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior.

00:33:49.000 And our thinking about our behavior.

00:33:51.000 Yeah, totally.

00:33:52.000 And one thing is they all look like from the Geek Squad, these Mormon guys.

00:33:57.000 They're crazy, those dudes.

00:33:57.000 On 10 speeds.

00:33:58.000 Can you imagine, though, if they mixed it up and showed up with hairy chests and necklaces and rave clothes on and sunglasses?

00:34:04.000 How scary that would be if the Mormons came to your house like that?

00:34:07.000 If they started rocking it?

00:34:08.000 Yeah, like they'd pull up in a new Chevy's or whatever.

00:34:14.000 Yeah, man.

00:34:15.000 I don't think the world's ready for a hip religion yet.

00:34:19.000 There was some work they were doing with rock and roll churches.

00:34:22.000 Remember that?

00:34:23.000 Yeah, they still have those.

00:34:24.000 Do they have those?

00:34:24.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 Are those still popular?

00:34:25.000 Totally popular.

00:34:26.000 Mine has a Starbucks in it.

00:34:28.000 There was a girl that used to work at Fear Factor.

00:34:29.000 She's a very nice girl.

00:34:30.000 And she was trying to find her place.

00:34:34.000 And she started going to a rock and roll church, saying how much I would really love this rock and roll church.

00:34:41.000 Even though this guy's talking about God, he's really all just about being positive, and that's the vehicle that he uses.

00:34:47.000 For a lot of people, man, religion can give you some inspiration.

00:34:51.000 But there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the training wheels off.

00:34:55.000 And you have to recognize that all this morality that you've developed is good because it's good to treat other people good.

00:35:01.000 It's good to treat other people the way you would like to be treated yourself.

00:35:04.000 It's like a fucking golden rule, and there's a reason for it.

00:35:06.000 And that reason is that we're connected in some strange way that we don't totally understand.

00:35:11.000 Unless you are good to other people around you, unless you're kind and friendly and warm and loving, you're not going to fucking enjoy this life.

00:35:18.000 You're just not.

00:35:19.000 You're gonna be problems everywhere you go.

00:35:22.000 You're gonna have problems everywhere you go.

00:35:23.000 You gotta figure out a way to enjoy this fucking life.

00:35:26.000 It's not because of Jesus.

00:35:27.000 It's not because of Moses.

00:35:29.000 It's not because of anybody that may or may not have ever existed.

00:35:32.000 It's because that's how you fit in better in the world.

00:35:34.000 That's how you stay positive.

00:35:36.000 And it doesn't have to be some shit that was written 5,000 years ago on fucking animal skins.

00:35:41.000 That doesn't have to be the golden rule because it's old.

00:35:43.000 That's dumb.

00:35:44.000 We need to figure out now, today.

00:35:47.000 What is the best way to live your life?

00:35:51.000 There's got to be ways you can be putting forward the most positive energy.

00:35:55.000 We know objectively what's causing pollution.

00:35:58.000 We know objectively what's causing birth defects and We're taking in too much chemicals and not enough vitamins.

00:36:04.000 We know objectively all this stuff.

00:36:06.000 We know how to organize our world and yet we don't do it.

00:36:09.000 We know how to organize our health and yet very few people do it.

00:36:12.000 We know all these things.

00:36:13.000 The right path to being a happy, healthy person...

00:36:18.000 It's to do all the shit that we already know you're supposed to do.

00:36:20.000 Take care of your body.

00:36:21.000 Take care of your health.

00:36:23.000 Take care of your mind, your stress.

00:36:25.000 Meditate.

00:36:25.000 Be kind to people.

00:36:26.000 We all know that.

00:36:27.000 I mean, you ask anybody, they know how to get by and to be the most evolved version of you that you can be.

00:36:33.000 I mean, it's not like a magical checklist.

00:36:35.000 If you talk to people about it, you said, okay, you got a person, you want to improve them, what are the things you're going to do to them?

00:36:41.000 Okay, well if I was a life coach, the first thing I would say is this guy's got to get on a diet that makes him healthy.

00:36:46.000 I don't mean a diet just to lose weight.

00:36:47.000 I mean just healthy foods in your body.

00:36:50.000 Many, many vegetables.

00:36:51.000 Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water, stop the sodas, stop the bullshit.

00:37:00.000 Start working out your body and get a better sense of how this machine feels when it's moving.

00:37:06.000 It's flowing better.

00:37:07.000 There's less tension in it.

00:37:08.000 Your mind feels relaxed and you enjoy every single moment of the day better.

00:37:13.000 Step one.

00:37:14.000 Everybody knows that step, right?

00:37:15.000 What's step two?

00:37:16.000 Be cool to people.

00:37:17.000 Be nice to as many people as you can.

00:37:18.000 Smile at as many people as you can.

00:37:20.000 Have them smile back at you.

00:37:21.000 Tip well when you go to restaurants.

00:37:23.000 Just do the most you can.

00:37:24.000 Be as nice as you can.

00:37:26.000 You know, and just still manage to not have people walk all over you.

00:37:29.000 Just get through this life as nice as you can.

00:37:31.000 What else?

00:37:32.000 Do what you want to do with your life, right?

00:37:33.000 Don't be doing something you don't enjoy.

00:37:35.000 Don't do something that's, don't get locked into, you know, a car that you can't afford and doing something crazy because you need the money.

00:37:42.000 Don't do that.

00:37:42.000 Do what you want to do.

00:37:43.000 Do what the fuck is it that you really want to do?

00:37:46.000 Because if someone else is doing it, you can do it.

00:37:49.000 I mean, everybody makes their own path through this world, but a lot of people don't follow the path that they really fucking feel pulled to.

00:37:59.000 For whatever reason, they got negative programming.

00:38:01.000 When they were kids, someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut or take the sure route.

00:38:08.000 That's a sad thing, man, when you talk to dudes, especially talented dudes, and they don't follow up with what they want to do.

00:38:14.000 You know anybody like that?

00:38:17.000 I don't know, but I was just thinking to your list that I think you should never stop tickling people, and I don't know why it's looked down upon, because I enjoy making people laugh, including forcing them to laugh.

00:38:29.000 I don't like people tickling me.

00:38:30.000 Why?

00:38:31.000 Are you ticklish?

00:38:32.000 Yeah, I'm ticklish.

00:38:33.000 I think tickle...

00:38:35.000 Do you know where ticklish...

00:38:36.000 This is an interesting subject.

00:38:37.000 Do you know where this comes from?

00:38:38.000 No.

00:38:39.000 It's an evolutionary trait, and it's from being freaked out instantly and immediately.

00:38:44.000 About spiders and insects crawling on you.

00:38:47.000 Really?

00:38:48.000 Because if you're sleeping on the ground, yeah.

00:38:49.000 Because if you're sleeping on the ground and something's on you and you fucking move like that, that's what ticklish is.

00:38:54.000 You're trying to avoid these instant reactions to these weird sensitive areas of your body, especially things where things can crawl, like under your armpits.

00:39:00.000 You touch my armpit, I'll jump through the fucking roof.

00:39:04.000 But that's what it is, you know what I'm saying?

00:39:06.000 It's like this is all an evolutionary thing.

00:39:09.000 I did not know that.

00:39:10.000 It makes sense.

00:39:11.000 Of course.

00:39:11.000 Why else would you have this extreme reaction on the bottom of your feet?

00:39:15.000 That's where you're stepping on things.

00:39:16.000 Why are some people not ticklish at all, though?

00:39:18.000 Because they're dopes and they're supposed to die.

00:39:20.000 Because, you know, I dated this girl that I even went to the last ticklish spot.

00:39:23.000 Well, you have your answer.

00:39:24.000 She was willing to date you, so you know she's fucked up.

00:39:26.000 She died.

00:39:27.000 That's A. B, she's ready to be bitten by a spider.

00:39:31.000 Right.

00:39:31.000 I always go for the butthole as the last move, though.

00:39:33.000 Like, if you're not ticklish, you're ticklish in the butthole.

00:39:35.000 And then that usually gets them.

00:39:36.000 You ever watch a porno where a girl's got a rubber butthole and you're like, this is ridiculous.

00:39:40.000 How is this chick taking this in the ass?

00:39:42.000 She's getting pounded in the ass.

00:39:44.000 How do they do that?

00:39:45.000 You've seen the Belladonna one.

00:39:47.000 Dude, she's crazy.

00:39:48.000 We talked about that on the podcast before where we looked it up and then we found out there was like...

00:39:53.000 We looked up baseball bat porn because we thought it would only be the one Belladonna video.

00:39:58.000 No, there's like a bunch of videos of chicks with bats up their ass.

00:40:01.000 I think it's once a girl puts a bat up her ass...

00:40:03.000 Then the other porn guys, they come to the other chicks and go, see, look, she's willing to do it.

00:40:07.000 What, you don't want to do it?

00:40:08.000 You don't want to work?

00:40:09.000 You just can add it to your resume.

00:40:10.000 That's an extra job that you wouldn't have got before.

00:40:14.000 It's a dark road, son.

00:40:15.000 That's kind of weird.

00:40:16.000 I would like to see the resumes of some of these girls.

00:40:18.000 Like, we'll do baseball bats.

00:40:20.000 We'll eat donkey ass.

00:40:21.000 Here's a fucking funny story.

00:40:22.000 There was a dude that was friends with a friend of mine.

00:40:26.000 I didn't know the guy that well.

00:40:27.000 But he was dating a porno star.

00:40:29.000 And he was like trying to be cool with it because he didn't have any money.

00:40:32.000 And she was, you know, paying the bills and shit.

00:40:34.000 And he was, I think he was a musician.

00:40:36.000 And she came home with a contract.

00:40:39.000 And he was just, you know, hey, it's just sex, man.

00:40:41.000 It's no big deal.

00:40:42.000 Yeah, I'm allowed to fuck other girls when I'm on the road, too.

00:40:44.000 You know, we're just open.

00:40:45.000 It's no big deal.

00:40:45.000 And she doesn't fuck any of those guys when she's not working with them.

00:40:48.000 You know, the whole deal.

00:40:49.000 He had this whole rationalization thing.

00:40:50.000 And then he got a contract.

00:40:52.000 And he's going over the contract.

00:40:54.000 And he goes, what's this?

00:40:56.000 What's this airtight?

00:40:57.000 What does that mean?

00:41:00.000 And she goes, airtight, it's one in my mouth, one in my asshole, and one in my pussy.

00:41:06.000 And he goes, this relationship's over.

00:41:08.000 That's it.

00:41:09.000 He just fucking threw in the towel right then and there.

00:41:11.000 He's like, what?

00:41:12.000 What?

00:41:14.000 What?

00:41:14.000 At the same time, one in your asshole, one in your...

00:41:17.000 And they have a name for it.

00:41:18.000 Okay, and you're about to go airtight?

00:41:20.000 Yeah.

00:41:21.000 Done.

00:41:22.000 That's it.

00:41:23.000 Put a fucking fork in it, Hooker.

00:41:25.000 You go triple rainbow.

00:41:26.000 Damn.

00:41:27.000 First of all, any girl that would let you do that, Any girl that wants to do that and any girl that is in a relationship where the man is cool with her doing that, you've got a whole lot of problems.

00:41:41.000 That's ridiculous.

00:41:42.000 There was this guy, Salami was his name.

00:41:48.000 I think he lives in Seattle now.

00:41:49.000 Cool dude.

00:41:50.000 He was a porn producer, didn't like it, got out of it.

00:41:52.000 He said the whole business is just fucked up.

00:41:54.000 It's all crazy and everyone's a mess.

00:41:56.000 He just wants to be a healthier person.

00:41:58.000 So now he's teaching jiu-jitsu.

00:41:59.000 Super nice guy.

00:42:00.000 So anyway, he tells us, hey man, come see me.

00:42:04.000 We're doing a porno shoot.

00:42:06.000 Come watch it.

00:42:07.000 It's pretty fun.

00:42:08.000 So I was with Tate, and we were like, alright, fuck it.

00:42:11.000 We'll go.

00:42:11.000 We just got back from the road.

00:42:12.000 We just landed from some gig, and this is when Tate was staying with me.

00:42:16.000 So, before we went to my house, we just drove to this guy's fucking porno shoot.

00:42:20.000 I mean, right out of the airport, right?

00:42:21.000 We walk in the door.

00:42:22.000 We walk in the door, and there's this one guy with guns tattooed on his body.

00:42:26.000 He's got, like, guns.

00:42:27.000 Like, yeah, one of those dudes.

00:42:29.000 And then the other guy is just this regular muscle-looking dude.

00:42:32.000 And they are ruining this bitch.

00:42:35.000 They are ruining her.

00:42:36.000 One guy is pounding her asshole with his dick, and one guy is fucking her mouth.

00:42:40.000 And every couple seconds, they pull her off the dick and spit in her mouth.

00:42:46.000 So this girl goes through this terrible day of all this.

00:42:49.000 Spitting, fucking her asshole, fucking her pussy.

00:42:51.000 And then when it's all over, she goes into the shower and she wants everyone to piss in her mouth.

00:42:56.000 So these porno stars start peeing in her mouth and she sits there with her mouth open.

00:43:02.000 And then she wants a director to do it.

00:43:03.000 You get over here.

00:43:04.000 So the director goes over and he pees in her mouth.

00:43:06.000 Wow.

00:43:07.000 And I am watching this whole thing.

00:43:08.000 I'm like, this might be the saddest shit I've ever seen in my life.

00:43:11.000 This girl is on her knees in the shower.

00:43:13.000 Okay.

00:43:13.000 The water's pouring all over her.

00:43:15.000 She's totally wet.

00:43:16.000 She's been pounded in the asshole in the mouth all day.

00:43:18.000 Two dudes...

00:43:20.000 Have taken turns spitting in her mouth.

00:43:22.000 Three dudes, because the director did it too.

00:43:23.000 He spit in her mouth too.

00:43:24.000 Everybody was spitting in her mouth.

00:43:26.000 And now she's on her knees and there's a dude pissing in her mouth and they're filming it.

00:43:29.000 And I'm like, wow.

00:43:30.000 So then she goes, my boyfriend's going to pick me up at 4 or something like that.

00:43:35.000 And we're like, your boyfriend?

00:43:37.000 Oh, man.

00:43:38.000 That's ridiculous.

00:43:39.000 And I didn't want to talk to her.

00:43:40.000 I didn't want to be mean.

00:43:41.000 I didn't want to be judgmental.

00:43:42.000 I didn't want to say anything.

00:43:43.000 I introduced myself.

00:43:44.000 Hi, Joe.

00:43:45.000 Nice to meet you.

00:43:46.000 I'm going to watch you fuck.

00:43:47.000 Me and my friend Tate here, we're going to sit and watch you get fucked.

00:43:50.000 So we were sitting like maybe fucking 10 feet away from this.

00:43:54.000 Standing, standing, like maybe 10 feet away while these two dudes were pounding on this chick.

00:43:59.000 And then these guys peed in this girl's mouth.

00:44:01.000 And then she starts talking about her boyfriend.

00:44:03.000 What does your boyfriend do?

00:44:04.000 He's a cook.

00:44:04.000 So like a short order cook at some like Denny's or some shit like that.

00:44:09.000 Oh my god.

00:44:09.000 And I go, is your husband cool with all this?

00:44:14.000 Yeah, he's cool with it.

00:44:15.000 As long as I keep bringing home checks, he's cool with it.

00:44:17.000 And so Tate goes, is he allowed to fuck anybody else?

00:44:21.000 She goes, he better not.

00:44:22.000 I'll fucking kill him.

00:44:23.000 Oh my god.

00:44:23.000 We're like, whoa.

00:44:25.000 He better not, I'll fucking kill him.

00:44:26.000 Like, what did I just watch?

00:44:29.000 This is just, this might be the nuttiest fucking scene I've ever been a part of in my whole life.

00:44:33.000 I'm like, this is so strange.

00:44:35.000 That is awful.

00:44:35.000 Do you remember her name?

00:44:36.000 Like, her porn name or anything?

00:44:38.000 No, I have no idea.

00:44:38.000 I wouldn't remember her face, her name, anything.

00:44:40.000 I'd never seen her before or again.

00:44:42.000 There's so many of them, dude.

00:44:43.000 There's so much porn going on out here.

00:44:45.000 There's so many dudes that I know.

00:44:47.000 I know so many guys from Jiu Jitsu.

00:44:49.000 Tyler Knight.

00:44:51.000 I know him.

00:44:52.000 He's a porn dude.

00:44:53.000 Very cool guy.

00:44:54.000 He's got a really awesome blog, too.

00:44:57.000 He writes about gangbang scenes and shit like that.

00:45:00.000 And Jake Steed used to train at Machado's.

00:45:03.000 And then there was another dude that used to train at Machado's, T.T. Boy.

00:45:08.000 And then John LaForte.

00:45:09.000 Well, that's his real name.

00:45:11.000 I'm not supposed to.

00:45:11.000 Vince Voyer.

00:45:12.000 Vince Voyer is another fucking male porn star.

00:45:15.000 There's like a gang of them, man.

00:45:16.000 There's like all these porn guys.

00:45:17.000 There's so much porn going on out here.

00:45:20.000 It's ridiculous.

00:45:21.000 Girls come out here with whatever issues and looking for a dream and a lot of them it doesn't work out and the next thing you know they're doing porn.

00:45:32.000 And then there's girls that just have always wanted to get into porn and then they just fucking like Sasha Gray type chicks.

00:45:37.000 They come here when they're 18, good to go, ready to suck dick on film.

00:45:43.000 It's kind of depressing, actually.

00:45:45.000 But it makes the grocery store at 2am a lot better, you know?

00:45:49.000 Because you're just walking around and there's some porn chick, half-waisted, trying to get cantaloupes.

00:45:56.000 It's way worse when you have kids, dude.

00:45:58.000 I bet.

00:45:59.000 Yeah.

00:45:59.000 I have a hard time beating off porn these days.

00:46:02.000 I have to shut off the compassionate part of my brain.

00:46:05.000 Really?

00:46:06.000 Yeah.

00:46:07.000 The compassionate part of my brain wants to go, okay, what if this is my daughter?

00:46:11.000 What if my daughter was doing this and guys were holding her eyelids open and jizzing in her eyeball?

00:46:17.000 I watched that the other day.

00:46:19.000 And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:46:20.000 This is someone's baby.

00:46:21.000 Someone's little baby girl.

00:46:23.000 Someone's fucking her mouth like that.

00:46:25.000 Maybe she likes it.

00:46:26.000 Okay.

00:46:26.000 Some girls do like that.

00:46:28.000 So you can't say always that it's terrible, but chances are, if you're getting pounded in a porno film, that's not really what you want to be doing.

00:46:36.000 You should try to figure out something else that you can masturbate to, like start getting attracted to something on purpose to try to train your brain.

00:46:42.000 Someone's got to come up with anime porn.

00:46:43.000 Yeah.

00:46:44.000 Some fucking awesome CGI. Use the Quake 4 engine.

00:46:48.000 Yeah.

00:46:50.000 You know, once it gets to the point where pornography can be artificially created, then it'll be way better.

00:46:58.000 It's karma-free porn.

00:46:59.000 Today's the day that Doc set the time machine to go back to the future, right?

00:47:04.000 Really?

00:47:04.000 Yeah.

00:47:04.000 Wow, that's hilarious.

00:47:06.000 How do you know that?

00:47:07.000 Somebody tweeted it earlier today.

00:47:09.000 I didn't research it, so it might be fake.

00:47:11.000 Could you imagine if they really do invent a time machine one day?

00:47:14.000 Because the real thing about time machines that people aren't aware of, there's scientists that actually try to study time travel.

00:47:20.000 There's a guy who has a fucking awesome story.

00:47:23.000 His name is Ronald Mallet.

00:47:26.000 Dr. Ronald Mallet, I believe, from Connecticut.

00:47:28.000 See if you Google that shit.

00:47:30.000 See if that's his name.

00:47:31.000 But anyway, the guy has a fantastic story.

00:47:33.000 He's like the leading scientist when it comes to...

00:47:38.000 Theoretical models for time travel.

00:47:40.000 What was his name?

00:47:41.000 Ronald Mallet from, I believe, University of Connecticut.

00:47:45.000 And he has like a working model.

00:47:48.000 Yeah, it is Ronald Mallet.

00:47:49.000 He has a working model of a M-A-L-L-E-T-T or one T or two T's?

00:47:55.000 T-T. Ronald M-A-L-L-E-T-T. Look him up on Google and there's some videos about him, but...

00:48:01.000 His dad died.

00:48:02.000 It's a crazy story.

00:48:03.000 His dad died when he was a kid and he was so hurt.

00:48:08.000 He loved his father.

00:48:09.000 There's all those photos of him and his father and his father smiling and he's smiling.

00:48:13.000 He was so close to his father.

00:48:14.000 When his father died, it crushed him.

00:48:16.000 And so he dedicated his life to creating a time machine.

00:48:21.000 He dedicated his life to creating a time machine so that he could go back in time and save his father so his father would be with him again.

00:48:28.000 So that was the entire focus of his life.

00:48:31.000 And he got to a certain point where he realized that you can someday, it is possible to travel back in time.

00:48:38.000 But it's not something that you're going to be able to go back to any point in history.

00:48:43.000 You're only going to be able to go back in time to the moment that the first time machine was invented.

00:48:47.000 So what will be able to be possible is you'll be able to, the moment there is a time machine invented, that day, from that day on, you'll be able to go to any point in history that you want.

00:48:58.000 So you can go to, you know, assuming there's human beings around, Assuming the world hasn't been hit by another planet or some crazy shit, you'll be able to go to one million years from now.

00:49:09.000 Let's see what the world looks like one million years from now because there will be time machines functional back then or in that future.

00:49:15.000 But the problem is that any moment in time could also go back to the moment the first time machine was invented.

00:49:25.000 So if you can travel back in time, from any moment in time, that's like millions of years, in fact, infinite, if people are still alive, of time, of years, of people going back to the moment of the first time machine being invented.

00:49:38.000 So it's literally like the whole notion of time gets broken.

00:49:43.000 There's no real future.

00:49:45.000 It all kind of happens all at once.

00:49:47.000 So it literally fucks with the entire fabric of the universe.

00:49:52.000 Everything can come back to the moment that the first time machine was invented.

00:49:55.000 It breaks everything.

00:49:56.000 So this is real shit they're working on.

00:49:59.000 This guy is really convinced that this is a possible thing.

00:50:02.000 That's craziness.

00:50:03.000 Beyond!

00:50:04.000 Here's something else.

00:50:05.000 Back to the Future 3, if you look at the very end of the movie when Doc has his kids and he's like telling like, see ya mighty, everything's gonna be good, you know?

00:50:13.000 Look at one of the kids.

00:50:14.000 The kid starts going like this, like come here or put something in my hand and then he points to his dick.

00:50:20.000 What?

00:50:21.000 It is so ridiculous.

00:50:23.000 And just got snuck through?

00:50:24.000 Somehow it snuck through.

00:50:25.000 But I'm talking about a six-year-old.

00:50:27.000 Dude, people were so stupid back then.

00:50:29.000 They didn't even know.

00:50:31.000 You can find on YouTube Back to the Future 3 points to package kids.

00:50:36.000 Is that one of those movies that you go watch it today and it would disappoint the shit out of you?

00:50:39.000 Yeah.

00:50:40.000 Yeah.

00:50:40.000 Not so good, huh?

00:50:41.000 Not so good.

00:50:42.000 I mean, I saw the first one the other day, and it was okay, but then I saw the third one, and it was just so dumb, I didn't even want to watch it.

00:50:49.000 Yeah, man.

00:50:50.000 The evolution of movies has been pretty fucking, pretty obvious.

00:50:53.000 The evolution of what we accept, you know?

00:50:56.000 Yeah.

00:50:57.000 Like, people talk about Avatar being silly and ridiculous, but still.

00:51:01.000 You see Toy Story 3 yet?

00:51:02.000 No.

00:51:03.000 I heard it's awesome.

00:51:04.000 Is it?

00:51:05.000 Yeah.

00:51:06.000 One of the best.

00:51:06.000 All that animation stuff just freaks me the fuck out.

00:51:09.000 I was reading in Wired that there's some insane amount of time for like every frame for as far as like rendering.

00:51:17.000 Some like seven hour fucking time for each frame to render.

00:51:21.000 Isn't that insane?

00:51:22.000 Which movie though?

00:51:23.000 This can't be now.

00:51:24.000 It was a Pixar movie.

00:51:25.000 Really?

00:51:25.000 Yeah.

00:51:26.000 That's crazy.

00:51:27.000 Hmm.

00:51:29.000 Better Google that.

00:51:29.000 Seems like it would be better than...

00:51:31.000 I could go into the living room and go get that magazine, but I don't know exactly where it is and I don't want to get up.

00:51:37.000 But the idea is that it's still, even to this day, it's very difficult to do.

00:51:43.000 The whole, even if my time frame is wrong, the whole...

00:51:47.000 Why don't you just look under Wired?

00:51:50.000 Hmm.

00:51:51.000 Pixar.

00:51:52.000 Pixar.

00:51:53.000 Not Pixel.

00:51:55.000 Um...

00:51:57.000 But it's still not quite there yet, as far as the technology that's going to exist one day where you can create instant artificial people.

00:52:06.000 You remember the editing that you're doing right now, just with Final Cut, just doing it on a regular home computer, an Apple?

00:52:15.000 I mean, this is the kind of shit that 10 years ago was like fucking dreaming about.

00:52:20.000 You're dreaming, bitch.

00:52:22.000 What?

00:52:22.000 Are you going to be able to edit?

00:52:23.000 And how fast is it going to render?

00:52:26.000 Are you going to put shit together?

00:52:27.000 Is that easy?

00:52:28.000 20 years ago, science fiction.

00:52:30.000 20 years ago, science fiction.

00:52:32.000 30 years ago, super crazy science fiction.

00:52:35.000 It's ridiculous.

00:52:37.000 You're talking about something that people would look at in the movies and go, wow.

00:52:41.000 Wow.

00:52:42.000 You know, like Minority Report type shit.

00:52:44.000 Yeah.

00:52:44.000 Where they make it look like you can do it now, but it really is not going to exist for another, you know, 100 years or so.

00:52:48.000 What did you say?

00:52:49.000 How many hours?

00:52:50.000 I think they said seven.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, that's what they just...

00:52:52.000 Seven hours?

00:52:52.000 Seven hours per pixel.

00:52:54.000 Yeah.

00:52:55.000 What the fuck, man?

00:52:56.000 That's ridiculous.

00:52:57.000 That's like a supercomputer too, right?

00:52:58.000 Don't they use like a server farm?

00:53:00.000 Oh, I'm sure they use, yeah, a huge cloud of computers.

00:53:03.000 Definitely.

00:53:03.000 Yeah, man.

00:53:03.000 That's ridiculous.

00:53:04.000 Those movies take a lot of fucking time.

00:53:06.000 But goddamn, they're cool as fuck.

00:53:08.000 Yeah.

00:53:08.000 So seven hours now, so in ten years, that means we could do Pixar movies on our phone.

00:53:16.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:16.000 Yeah, that's inevitable, right?

00:53:18.000 That's going to be awesome.

00:53:19.000 Hey, dude, check out Toy Story 80, huh?

00:53:20.000 If they don't break the universe before then.

00:53:23.000 Yeah, right.

00:53:24.000 That's my latest theory.

00:53:26.000 The human beings create the Big Bang.

00:53:29.000 I've been talking about it on that stage.

00:53:30.000 I think that's what we're doing.

00:53:32.000 I think that's why the Big Bang...

00:53:33.000 I think 14 billion years ago, plus, was the Big Bang.

00:53:37.000 I think it was a lonely dude in his basement who figured out a way to break the universe, and he had a switch, and he wanted to see what happened, and he clicked it.

00:53:44.000 And the whole thing...

00:53:47.000 I think that's what happens.

00:53:49.000 And then people get curious and we develop to a certain point in time where we repeat the process.

00:53:57.000 Isn't that possible?

00:53:58.000 I mean, nobody knows what the fuck created the Big Bang, right?

00:54:01.000 But when you see scientists working on shit like the Large Hadron Collider, the Large Hadron Collider is this crazy experiment that they're participating right now in Europe where they've got this 22 kilometer long machine and it spins these atoms around and collides them.

00:54:19.000 It's just slightly slower than the speed of light.

00:54:21.000 And they're trying to recreate a thing called the Higgs-Boson particle.

00:54:25.000 Now they believe there's actually five different Higgs-Boson particles are trying to figure out what existed.

00:54:31.000 They call it the God particle, for lack of a better word, and it's what existed just a millisecond, a fraction of a millisecond even, right after the Big Bang.

00:54:41.000 So when they get that, when they figure out how to do that, and if they do recreate the Higgs boson, if they do really find out it's not just a theoretical particle but it's real, when they do that, they're not going to stop there.

00:54:51.000 They're not going to stop there.

00:54:52.000 They're going to keep going.

00:54:54.000 What's the next thing?

00:54:55.000 They've got 10,000 scientists working on that.

00:54:57.000 This is the biggest project in scientific history, and it has nothing to do with making our lives better.

00:55:04.000 Technology, at one point in time, was all about making your life better.

00:55:08.000 Technology was about, you know, hey, we need to get water and we don't want to, you know, just have to drink it out of the river every time.

00:55:14.000 We need to get it and bring it back to camp.

00:55:15.000 What do we do?

00:55:16.000 We figured out how to make a jug.

00:55:17.000 You know, I mean, that's technology.

00:55:20.000 Technology today, the shit like the Higgs-Boson particle, shit like the Large Hadron Collider, shit like making time machines, what are you doing?

00:55:28.000 What the fuck are you doing?

00:55:30.000 You're not fixing the hole in the ground in the gulf that's making the oil pull out.

00:55:34.000 Shouldn't they pull all the scientists off everything and go, okay, we've got to fix this before the whole ocean gets poisoned?

00:55:40.000 I've always wondered why they don't do that anyway.

00:55:42.000 So with cancer, with anything, it's just like, all right, all you guys, we're going to take all the scientists at once, cancer, one year, cancer.

00:55:49.000 Do it.

00:55:50.000 You know, these guys aren't experts in their fields, obviously.

00:55:53.000 I mean, you can't know everything about everything.

00:55:55.000 It's a silly concept, I mean, what I'm saying.

00:55:57.000 But it would be great if they took all the top scientists from all the different disciplines that would be involved and they immediately allocated funds to get them to work on the project instantly.

00:56:06.000 And just the government step...

00:56:08.000 I mean, I'm not in favor of the government stepping in, but in this case, I would say this is...

00:56:11.000 Not just a natural disaster.

00:56:13.000 This is a fucking catastrophic disaster where apocalyptic disaster where they need to step in and do something about this immediately.

00:56:20.000 They need to impose almost like a martial law type of a thing.

00:56:24.000 Take over the whole...

00:56:25.000 But then again, who's going to be good that's doing that for the government?

00:56:29.000 The government would have to involve the private sector and then the private sector would try to make a lot of money from it and they would try to fuck people over and it would be a big scandal and it would be like Halliburton and they'd find out billions of dollars are missing from the...

00:56:39.000 Whatever.

00:56:40.000 My fucking idea sucks.

00:56:41.000 Did you see that baby in China that was born with a second face?

00:56:44.000 Dude, I did, and I didn't want to look.

00:56:46.000 I saw it, and I shut it off.

00:56:48.000 That shit depresses the fuck out of me.

00:56:50.000 It's pretty amazing, though.

00:56:52.000 I mean, it's a second face, and it kind of looks like, what is that movie, Phantom of the Opera or whatever?

00:56:58.000 But it's, I mean, does it say if they're going to be able to fix the kid?

00:57:03.000 No, dude, I didn't read it.

00:57:04.000 It depresses the shit out of me.

00:57:05.000 Just like the one that I saw the other day where there's a baby that was born.

00:57:08.000 It was like a fish baby.

00:57:09.000 The skin had this very strange disease.

00:57:13.000 That shit's so depressing to me, man.

00:57:17.000 Fucked at birth.

00:57:19.000 Especially, man, it's depressing when you find out that it's due to birth defects because of chemicals.

00:57:24.000 People that worked at factories and people that were given chemicals they shouldn't have been given while they were pregnant.

00:57:30.000 Man, China.

00:57:32.000 China's a tricky place right now, man.

00:57:33.000 China has some of the most polluted cities in the world.

00:57:36.000 Have you ever seen the videos on that?

00:57:37.000 Is that the same where they're dropping all our old computers and cell phones are all going there?

00:57:42.000 Is that China?

00:57:43.000 I don't know.

00:57:44.000 Do they go to China?

00:57:45.000 Yeah, there's somewhere they go and it's just cities that are kind of like, what's that WALL-E movie?

00:57:50.000 Where it's cities of just old computers and stuff like that.

00:57:54.000 Really?

00:57:54.000 Let's find out where they go.

00:57:55.000 Let's find out because I never heard of that before.

00:57:57.000 Really?

00:57:57.000 No.

00:57:58.000 But I do know that China has terrible pollution problems.

00:58:02.000 There was one city where they showed it.

00:58:04.000 Was it a VBS.TV doc?

00:58:06.000 Some doc that I watched on the most polluted city in the world.

00:58:10.000 And just one day in this city, just breathing the air, is like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day.

00:58:16.000 Wow.

00:58:17.000 So every fucking day you're there, you're smoking three packs of cigarettes a day.

00:58:20.000 The sky was brown, man.

00:58:22.000 It was crazy.

00:58:23.000 Like, you couldn't see shit.

00:58:25.000 Like, it took smog to...

00:58:28.000 Like, LA's nasty, dude.

00:58:29.000 When you come over, like, when you're coming from the valley, and you come over that hill...

00:58:32.000 And you see everything brown, and you can't even see the fucking mountains outside of like Pasadena.

00:58:37.000 You can't see the mountains.

00:58:38.000 And you look at it and you go, what the fuck are we doing to the air?

00:58:41.000 That ain't shit compared to China.

00:58:44.000 China's five times worse than that.

00:58:46.000 It is the nuttiest shit you've ever seen in your life.

00:58:49.000 I don't know what kind of laws they have.

00:58:50.000 I don't know how they get away with shit like that.

00:58:52.000 But the factory's just puzzled.

00:58:53.000 Pump shit out.

00:58:55.000 What is this?

00:58:55.000 So we have a photo.

00:58:56.000 You found the dangers of old computers.

00:58:58.000 There's a computer wasteland.

00:58:59.000 Does it say what country?

00:59:00.000 China.

00:59:01.000 A woman in Irish China was about to smash...

00:59:03.000 Yeah, I mean, everybody keeps going off about how great the economy is in China and China's, you know, becoming like a capitalist economy and, you know, Chinese people are, you know, the whole country is, it's changing and flourishing and we owe America, owes China so much.

00:59:19.000 And then you look at what China's really doing, like ConCam, you know, or Foxconn, rather.

00:59:24.000 Right?

00:59:24.000 Isn't that the name of the company?

00:59:25.000 Foxconn.

00:59:26.000 Foxconn's where all those guys who are working for Apple keep killing themselves.

00:59:31.000 They help make iPhones.

00:59:32.000 Speaking of, how do you like your new iPhone?

00:59:34.000 I had to get a new one.

00:59:35.000 Yeah.

00:59:36.000 Oh, you did?

00:59:37.000 Yeah, I had to get a new one.

00:59:37.000 What happened?

00:59:38.000 Wouldn't accept the SIM card.

00:59:39.000 Kept saying I didn't have a SIM card.

00:59:41.000 Oh.

00:59:41.000 Yeah.

00:59:42.000 Crazy.

00:59:42.000 I don't know what happened.

00:59:43.000 I just kept doing it.

00:59:44.000 Kept saying no SIM card, no SIM card.

00:59:47.000 And so, finally, eventually I had to bring it back to him.

00:59:49.000 Yeah.

00:59:50.000 So, do you want to see live me going from three bars to zero service?

00:59:55.000 Oh, okay.

00:59:56.000 This is the thing where if you touch the bottom, it says, it does something.

01:00:01.000 First, let's show it.

01:00:02.000 Okay.

01:00:03.000 If you don't know, nobody can see this, man.

01:00:05.000 This fucking web camera sucks.

01:00:06.000 Well, you can see I have bars Okay.

01:00:08.000 At least you have a couple bars, right?

01:00:10.000 Well, just do it and tell us what's happening.

01:00:13.000 It's going from...

01:00:15.000 I just went to three.

01:00:16.000 It was on four, actually.

01:00:19.000 It's now a two.

01:00:20.000 Oh, wow.

01:00:22.000 And it's now going to go to one any second now.

01:00:27.000 So it just slowly drops?

01:00:29.000 Yeah.

01:00:29.000 You know what Apple says.

01:00:30.000 They say that it's an error in the phones.

01:00:33.000 Wow, it dropped down to one.

01:00:34.000 That's crazy.

01:00:34.000 It's going to go to no service now.

01:00:36.000 They say that it's an error in the phone's computing and that it's not an error.

01:00:42.000 Wow, it's saying no signal.

01:00:45.000 Wow, okay, let it go now.

01:00:46.000 And then it'll go back up.

01:00:49.000 And so Apple's trying to say that it's not a real problem.

01:00:52.000 They're trying to say that what you're getting is just a more accurate representation of the signals.

01:00:57.000 Wow, now it's got a signal.

01:00:58.000 Yeah.

01:00:58.000 Which is whack.

01:00:59.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:01:00.000 Yeah, because if they're saying, what they're saying is, like, if this is wrong, if you don't have three bars right now, you actually have one bar, and covering up the antenna will make it go down...

01:01:08.000 It's a stupid thing to say.

01:01:12.000 So you're saying that the phone just calculates the bars incorrectly and really when you touch it a certain way then it calculates them right?

01:01:20.000 What is that?

01:01:21.000 The truth button?

01:01:22.000 The fuck are you talking about?

01:01:23.000 You have a button and it's a part of the phone and if you touch it it makes the phone Honest with you?

01:01:30.000 That's stupid.

01:01:31.000 That's a hardware problem, you cocksucker.

01:01:32.000 Right.

01:01:33.000 It doesn't do it with the case, which is good because I never use my iPhone without a case anyway.

01:01:37.000 You get signal here, man.

01:01:38.000 Yeah.

01:01:39.000 You should get signal.

01:01:39.000 Yeah, I got...

01:01:40.000 And when you had no signal, that's not normal.

01:01:42.000 Right.

01:01:43.000 But the problem is, what are they going to really do about it?

01:01:45.000 Is this software update just going to make everyone...

01:01:48.000 That just not happen?

01:01:49.000 You're just going to...

01:01:50.000 Always have lower signal than normal.

01:01:52.000 I don't know.

01:01:53.000 I don't buy it.

01:01:54.000 Somebody just made up a whack excuse.

01:01:57.000 Right.

01:01:57.000 Because if they didn't make up a whack excuse, they would have had to have some massive fucking recall.

01:02:02.000 Yeah.

01:02:02.000 People would have gone nuts.

01:02:03.000 There's a class action lawsuit in the works.

01:02:05.000 Yeah, but they said it does it on the 3G and the 3GS. But I tried it on my 3GS, and I couldn't do it.

01:02:12.000 Really?

01:02:13.000 I tried the bottom line, and I tried the top.

01:02:15.000 Oh, really?

01:02:16.000 Yeah.

01:02:16.000 I couldn't do it.

01:02:17.000 Maybe they broke theirs or something.

01:02:18.000 Maybe.

01:02:19.000 Maybe it was older models.

01:02:20.000 Yeah.

01:02:21.000 I don't know, man.

01:02:22.000 It's a stupid way to deal with the issue, though.

01:02:24.000 Tell people they have to buy a bumper, especially when you're selling bumpers for $30, which is kind of douchey in and of itself.

01:02:30.000 Yeah.

01:02:30.000 You know?

01:02:31.000 Yeah.

01:02:31.000 How come if I drop it, it's fucked?

01:02:34.000 Right.

01:02:35.000 You can get that bumper.

01:02:36.000 Yeah, so you give me this little thing to put around it.

01:02:38.000 Oh, how much is this little thing?

01:02:39.000 $30?

01:02:40.000 Right.

01:02:40.000 This is $30.

01:02:41.000 Right.

01:02:41.000 And only Apple makes it?

01:02:43.000 And it should have came with it.

01:02:44.000 Fucking, you got a BlackBerry the other day that came with a leather case.

01:02:46.000 Yeah.

01:02:47.000 I can't get a little piece of rubber.

01:02:49.000 So I went to Best Buy and I bought two of the only cases that Best Buy sells that cover the back.

01:02:56.000 So the first one I put on, it was so tight and poorly made, I think it was Belkin, that the top button just automatically was always pushed down.

01:03:05.000 So it was just resetting my phone over and over.

01:03:07.000 So I had a second one that I was going to give to you and I opened that one and tried it again.

01:03:10.000 Same thing, went online, found out that's the problem with the case.

01:03:13.000 So then I bought this other one from Griffith that had a plastic back to it.

01:03:19.000 And every time we took a photo, it would flash and hit the plastic and flash back into the camera.

01:03:25.000 And every photo looked like shit.

01:03:26.000 And it went back online.

01:03:28.000 Same exact thing across the board.

01:03:30.000 So the only case we can get right now is this one that won't protect the back.

01:03:35.000 How the fuck did they not fix that?

01:03:36.000 How do they not have cases for an iPhone?

01:03:39.000 Come on, Apple.

01:03:41.000 Alright, so if I break this, you're going to replace the back because there's no other fucking case.

01:03:44.000 And what is the deal with this glass on the back?

01:03:48.000 Why do you have glass on the back?

01:03:49.000 For reception issues.

01:03:50.000 Is that what it is?

01:03:52.000 Yeah, it's what it's supposed to be for.

01:03:53.000 It's supposed to be for better reception.

01:03:55.000 Wow.

01:03:56.000 I mean, come on.

01:03:56.000 You're carrying a piece of glass in your pocket.

01:03:58.000 What are the odds that thing's going to break and stab on your fucking leg and cut your dick off?

01:04:02.000 Wait for the first person to sit on the back of their phone and get it.

01:04:05.000 It goes up their asshole and they die.

01:04:07.000 What do you think?

01:04:07.000 A month?

01:04:08.000 Can you imagine if that's how you died?

01:04:11.000 You sat on an iPhone, it went up your ass, and that killed you.

01:04:14.000 Yeah.

01:04:15.000 What was that guy that used to, uh, on 30 Ways to Die or whatever, 99 Ways to Die, he put glass things up his ass and sat on them?

01:04:22.000 Remember, he had, like, this fetish of putting a glass, whatever.

01:04:25.000 Dude.

01:04:26.000 That was a bad story.

01:04:26.000 Was that one of those episodes?

01:04:27.000 Yeah.

01:04:28.000 Really?

01:04:29.000 Yeah.

01:04:29.000 That show is disturbing as fuck.

01:04:30.000 I like that show.

01:04:31.000 It's good.

01:04:31.000 I found out all the way different people have died.

01:04:32.000 Spike's doing good with their shows.

01:04:34.000 That's a good one.

01:04:35.000 That's a good short attention span show.

01:04:37.000 You just flip in any time.

01:04:39.000 You flip it through the channels and they'll start a real hokey reenactment where there's a certain amount of humor to it.

01:04:50.000 They know they're going to show you a fucked up way some guy died.

01:04:54.000 It's kind of creepy to watch.

01:04:55.000 But it's interesting to me because then I think about all these, I have that extra thought every time, you know, I want to shove something up my ass, I know I might die from it, you know.

01:05:03.000 Oh, Brian.

01:05:04.000 You know what I mean now.

01:05:05.000 I do know.

01:05:06.000 I do know.

01:05:06.000 It's a hard urge to resist shoving things up your ass.

01:05:09.000 Sometimes it just overcomes you.

01:05:11.000 Or just crossing the street with my eyes closed.

01:05:13.000 You know, whatever the story is.

01:05:15.000 You showed me One Guy and One Cup, didn't you?

01:05:17.000 Somebody did.

01:05:17.000 One Guy and One Cup?

01:05:19.000 I think you showed it to me, man.

01:05:21.000 I don't look for those things anymore.

01:05:23.000 That was the one where the guy put a jar up his asshole.

01:05:26.000 Right.

01:05:27.000 And then he sat down and his asshole crushed the jar and chunks of glass and blood start falling out of this guy's body and he doesn't even freak out.

01:05:36.000 That's the most disturbing part about it.

01:05:37.000 You know, I still don't know if I believe everything anymore.

01:05:41.000 Oh, I believe that one.

01:05:42.000 I don't know if that's a fake glass anymore.

01:05:43.000 If that guy, if that's not fake, someone needs a goddamn Academy Award.

01:05:47.000 Well, the BME Pan-Olympics was fake.

01:05:49.000 No, it's not.

01:05:49.000 A lot of that is not fake.

01:05:51.000 No, it is all fake.

01:05:52.000 People say it's fake.

01:05:53.000 I don't believe them.

01:05:53.000 The person that knows the most about it, I have it on my website.

01:05:56.000 Dude, some parts of that were real.

01:05:57.000 Wasn't that one where, wasn't one of them that cut his finger off?

01:06:01.000 Huh?

01:06:01.000 Wasn't that the BME? No, no, no.

01:06:03.000 The Pan-Olympics were where they're just chopping their balls off and stuff like that.

01:06:06.000 They're all glory to me, man.

01:06:06.000 They're all the same to me.

01:06:07.000 Isn't that sad?

01:06:08.000 Yeah.

01:06:10.000 All the violence videos go together.

01:06:13.000 I know there's one where a guy cut his finger off where it's absolutely real.

01:06:16.000 Yeah, I'm sure that might be real.

01:06:17.000 There's fucking crazy people out there.

01:06:18.000 This guy with the jar up his asshole is real, dude.

01:06:20.000 It's really pretty obvious it's real.

01:06:23.000 You believe we landed on the moon, too, don't you?

01:06:25.000 It's nasty.

01:06:26.000 I don't know what the fuck happened to that dude when he was a kid.

01:06:29.000 It made him want to shove bottles up his asshole and have him crush inside of him and then drop out.

01:06:36.000 What happened?

01:06:37.000 What is it?

01:06:38.000 Lindsay Lohan's your mom.

01:06:40.000 Do you think that'll do it?

01:06:42.000 Fuck yeah.

01:06:43.000 Can you imagine Lindsay Lohan as your mom and fucking the dude from Jackass, Steve-O, as your dad?

01:06:48.000 Do you think she can get pregnant?

01:06:49.000 Uh, no.

01:06:51.000 She's probably so broken up.

01:06:53.000 Like you said, we just saw that she was 24. I thought for sure she was like over 30. I forgot all about her being a young ass.

01:07:00.000 Yeah.

01:07:02.000 I don't know.

01:07:02.000 I wonder if I could...

01:07:03.000 It's hard action, man.

01:07:04.000 That shit's out there doing it every night.

01:07:06.000 Yeah.

01:07:06.000 You're the one who told me that she got a tooth pulled just so she could get back on Vicodin?

01:07:11.000 Well, yeah.

01:07:12.000 Supposedly, when she got that scram bracelet on or whatever it's called, that she immediately had a dentist appointment the next day that was supposedly, priorly...

01:07:22.000 Prior to this whatever and she had like a tooth pulled or she had something that she had done but it was like oh now she's allowed to have Vicodin and that's really nice for her.

01:07:33.000 So she's got this crazy bracelet on that says she has to stay sober and the dentist gives her Vicodin.

01:07:38.000 First of all, she don't need to get fucking Vicodin.

01:07:41.000 I've had teeth pulled.

01:07:42.000 I've had shit happen.

01:07:44.000 You just deal with it.

01:07:45.000 It's not that bad.

01:07:45.000 I have a knee surgery.

01:07:46.000 I didn't take pain medication.

01:07:48.000 I took Viking in when I had my first ACL reconstruction.

01:07:51.000 It made me feel so stupid.

01:07:53.000 It just made me feel so dumb.

01:07:55.000 And I sold them to some dude at the pool hall.

01:07:58.000 This dude named Jeff.

01:07:59.000 You did not do that.

01:08:00.000 Yes, I did.

01:08:01.000 You did not sell them.

01:08:03.000 I sold them to my friend Jeff.

01:08:04.000 And Jeff sold them all throughout the pool hall.

01:08:06.000 People gobble those Vikingins up.

01:08:08.000 They love them.

01:08:09.000 I had a friend who was a guitarist.

01:08:10.000 He used to say that it made him more creative.

01:08:13.000 What?

01:08:13.000 That's the opposite effect it does to me.

01:08:15.000 To me, it makes me feel fucking useless and dumb.

01:08:17.000 That's all it does.

01:08:18.000 Yeah, but I think everybody's brain is working differently, man.

01:08:21.000 I mean, slightly.

01:08:22.000 I think we all have different levels of different chemicals and different, you know...

01:08:26.000 His music was probably fucking retarded then.

01:08:28.000 Well, no, he was a classical guitarist.

01:08:31.000 He was really good.

01:08:32.000 He was, like, you know, he went to, like, competitions and shit.

01:08:36.000 It was fucking badass.

01:08:37.000 Worst song ever competition?

01:08:38.000 Yeah.

01:08:38.000 No, man.

01:08:39.000 He would play songs that already existed.

01:08:42.000 You know, like Spanish flamenca songs, that kind of shit.

01:08:45.000 He was just...

01:08:45.000 He's a brilliant guitarist.

01:08:47.000 And he said we'd take Vicodin's.

01:08:48.000 It would make him more creative.

01:08:50.000 I don't know.

01:08:50.000 But, you know, everybody's brains...

01:08:52.000 He's a fucking crazy dude.

01:08:54.000 He was a former Taekwondo champion, my friend Dimitri.

01:08:57.000 And he was a big fucking burly, manly, giant dude from the Ukraine.

01:09:03.000 You know, his family's a bunch of fucking savages, a bunch of Russian fucking animals.

01:09:09.000 And maybe the Vicodin just helped calm his inner monkey enough so that he could, you know, he could tune into his creative spirit better.

01:09:16.000 You know, everyone's different.

01:09:18.000 Right.

01:09:18.000 This dude's the only dude that I've ever talked to that said Vicodin's made him creative.

01:09:22.000 That could easily have been it, you know.

01:09:24.000 Everybody's got their own fucking thing, man.

01:09:26.000 I mean, how many people have you come across where you go, this guy's just broken.

01:09:30.000 His brain's just not wired right.

01:09:31.000 His body's not wired right.

01:09:33.000 He got the wrong levels of all kinds of shit when he was in the womb.

01:09:36.000 Mm-hmm.

01:09:37.000 Totally.

01:09:38.000 Poor Lindsey.

01:09:39.000 That's our message for Lindsey.

01:09:40.000 Hang in there, girl.

01:09:42.000 You are going to get out in three months and I think that's when Lil Wayne gets out too and you can get together and make a fucking badass CD. How about that?

01:09:50.000 As Brock says, put some underwear on.

01:09:52.000 How about if Lindsey starts fucking rapping while she's in the pokey and comes out like some badass bitch rapper?

01:09:58.000 Dude, she's going to get fucking laid so much.

01:10:01.000 She's probably going to love it.

01:10:02.000 In jail?

01:10:03.000 Yeah.

01:10:03.000 Who's going to fuck her in jail?

01:10:04.000 Chicks?

01:10:05.000 Dude, she's in heaven.

01:10:08.000 Is she a lesbian?

01:10:08.000 Hell yeah, she is.

01:10:09.000 How do you know this?

01:10:10.000 Well, she used to date Samantha Ronson or whatever her name is.

01:10:13.000 Who is Samantha Ronson?

01:10:14.000 A really sweet DJ. You know DJs?

01:10:18.000 I know Sam Ronson.

01:10:19.000 I know one DJ and I don't know why I know him because everybody always talks about that guy Tiesto.

01:10:23.000 Craig Borsari, one of the dudes who works for the UFC. I think he was the one who was telling me about this.

01:10:27.000 The guy sells out these gigantic fucking stadiums.

01:10:30.000 Might have been Craig.

01:10:31.000 I'm not sure.

01:10:32.000 But he's like this huge, huge, huge fucking DJ where he sells out just gigantic events all over the world, man.

01:10:40.000 They come to see this guy do DJ and he makes his own electronic music.

01:10:43.000 It's huge.

01:10:44.000 I love it.

01:10:45.000 But how do you know?

01:10:46.000 How do you find out about these guys?

01:10:47.000 I used to do MySpace, but now Pandora.

01:10:51.000 Pandora.

01:10:52.000 Yeah.

01:10:53.000 Poor MySpace.

01:10:54.000 If you want to start off slow, just put in Fatboy Slim and then make a radio station based off that or something like that.

01:10:59.000 Yeah.

01:10:59.000 We talked about this.

01:11:00.000 Pandora's pretty badass.

01:11:01.000 Yeah.

01:11:02.000 I like the idea.

01:11:03.000 Creating your own radio station.

01:11:05.000 That's good stuff.

01:11:06.000 So, Brock.

01:11:07.000 Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin.

01:11:10.000 That was crazy.

01:11:12.000 Brian was there.

01:11:13.000 Yeah.

01:11:13.000 On the floor.

01:11:15.000 I'm so glad they didn't stop it, man.

01:11:17.000 Oh, yeah.

01:11:18.000 Brock is one of those people that they don't have to worry about stopping.

01:11:21.000 It's going to take a few trains to really stop the guy.

01:11:25.000 A few trains?

01:11:28.000 Trains to the head.

01:11:30.000 They didn't stop it, so I was happy.

01:11:32.000 I was so scared they were going to stop it.

01:11:35.000 Yeah, well, you know, it looked like they were going to stop it.

01:11:38.000 I mean, he was just covering up, and Shane Karn was bombing on him.

01:11:41.000 And props to referee Josh Rosenthal, because if it wasn't for Josh Rosenthal, someone easily could have pulled the trigger earlier.

01:11:48.000 There's a few guys that I wouldn't have trusted in that situation.

01:11:51.000 Josh saw that he was okay.

01:11:53.000 He was going to get through it.

01:11:53.000 And he saw that Shane's punches were coming slower and slower.

01:11:56.000 And Shane, unfortunately, just blew his wad.

01:11:58.000 He had an adrenaline dump, I'm sure.

01:12:01.000 The excitement of the fact that he had the champ hurt on his back and that he was on top.

01:12:06.000 And he's like, this is over.

01:12:06.000 This fucking thing's over.

01:12:07.000 And he's pounding him and pounding him and pounding him.

01:12:09.000 And then all of a sudden he's like, fuck, there's two minutes left to go in this round.

01:12:12.000 And then he's got to keep going.

01:12:13.000 And by the end of those two minutes, there was nothing left.

01:12:16.000 He got back to his corner and literally could barely get up.

01:12:19.000 His legs were barely walking.

01:12:21.000 And he was fucked.

01:12:22.000 He said his legs seized up.

01:12:24.000 And he said he just went out there and he tried to do whatever he could.

01:12:27.000 But his body just was not responding.

01:12:29.000 He just completely adrenaline dumped and completely blew out all of his energy.

01:12:33.000 But goddamn, does he hit him hard before that?

01:12:37.000 Holy shit, that fucking Shane Carwin can punch.

01:12:40.000 He hits so hard.

01:12:41.000 He's so big.

01:12:42.000 But I think he's too big.

01:12:44.000 I think maybe, like...

01:12:46.000 Because he had to lose, like, 17 pounds to make 265. So he's, you know, walking in, like...

01:12:53.000 Like somewhere around 280ish, you know, on the day of the fight.

01:12:56.000 So I think that might be too big for his frame.

01:12:59.000 You know, I think he might be better off if he was like 250. You know, just a little lighter, but with more endurance.

01:13:05.000 His punches are still going to be ridiculously powerful.

01:13:08.000 Nobody can stand up the way that guy hits.

01:13:09.000 His punches will still be ridiculously powerful, but he'll have a little bit more cardio, you know?

01:13:14.000 Brock is just physically a bigger guy, man.

01:13:17.000 Brock really has a 270-pound man's body.

01:13:20.000 I mean, he's so wide.

01:13:21.000 He's just a big, giant freak.

01:13:23.000 Carlin's not as wide, you know?

01:13:25.000 He's still big as fuck, got big, giant hands and shit, but, you know, I think Brock maybe can carry a little bit more weight naturally than Shane can.

01:13:32.000 These guys, when they train really hard with weights and power lifting and shit like that, yeah, it makes you stronger.

01:13:38.000 It gives you a lot more muscle, and that muscle's got to get fed.

01:13:41.000 It's got to get fed by blood.

01:13:43.000 But goddamn, it was exciting as fuck before it was over.

01:13:47.000 How do you still have his mouthpiece?

01:13:49.000 Have you put it in yet?

01:13:49.000 Yeah, I got Brock Lesnar's mouthpiece.

01:13:50.000 Have you put it in yet?

01:13:51.000 Tasted the taste of a warrior?

01:13:54.000 It's right over there.

01:13:56.000 He stuck it in my pocket after it was over.

01:13:58.000 I said, I'm going to sell that shit on eBay, but I'm just going to hang out to it.

01:14:01.000 That's cool.

01:14:02.000 I'm a fan.

01:14:03.000 It's a trivia moment.

01:14:04.000 Plus, what a comeback.

01:14:06.000 When he came out for that second round, his hands were up high, and you just knew this motherfucker's not going away.

01:14:12.000 He got hit with some bombs, and he was still there, and still in really good shape.

01:14:16.000 That was really the big difference.

01:14:18.000 He took Shane down, got in Shane's half guard, passed, got on top of him, got him in an arm triangle, and put him to sleep.

01:14:24.000 It was fucking sweet.

01:14:25.000 Or put him, you know, to tap.

01:14:27.000 He would have gone to sleep.

01:14:28.000 He really cranked it tight.

01:14:29.000 And Brock is so gigantic.

01:14:31.000 You see, they're also called a side choke.

01:14:33.000 There's two different versions of it.

01:14:34.000 There's one like this.

01:14:35.000 You do it like this.

01:14:36.000 And that's why it's called an arm triangle.

01:14:38.000 But the way Brock did it, I think he did it with a gable grip where you do it like this where it's really more of a side choke.

01:14:44.000 But Brock is so big and so fucking strong that when he just crushes down like that, like...

01:14:49.000 You really don't have any options, man.

01:14:50.000 You're going to go to sleep.

01:14:51.000 He's just got much too much power.

01:14:53.000 He's just going to crush that whole area between your arm and your neck and everything's going to get smushed and there's not going to be any air.

01:15:00.000 That was one of the best UFCs, I think, in a long time, right?

01:15:03.000 Fuck yeah, it was.

01:15:04.000 Dude, I was standing up during the Lesnar fight.

01:15:07.000 It was so exciting, I couldn't fucking sit down.

01:15:10.000 I stood up.

01:15:10.000 That's awesome.

01:15:11.000 When Karwin hit him and he went to the ground, there was so much energy in the arena.

01:15:17.000 It was so unbelievable.

01:15:19.000 And then when Brock took him down at the end, the whole thing was just so nice.

01:15:23.000 And then when he tapped, it was just fucking craziness, man.

01:15:27.000 There was so much energy.

01:15:28.000 I stood up like three or four times.

01:15:29.000 I don't do that, man.

01:15:31.000 That's the only fight I've ever had to stand up in the middle of it because it was so crazy.

01:15:35.000 As far as sheer entertainment value, what a fucking fight.

01:15:40.000 There was a bunch of sheer entertainment value fights that were just off the charts.

01:15:44.000 Like Lieben and Akiyama.

01:15:46.000 Holy shit!

01:15:47.000 Dude, that was crazy, man.

01:15:49.000 God!

01:15:50.000 For sheer entertainment, that fight was better than any fucking movie that's ever been made.

01:15:55.000 Has there ever been any photos of his face since then?

01:15:58.000 Lieben?

01:15:59.000 Yeah.

01:15:59.000 Dude, Lieben's probably fine.

01:16:00.000 He probably looks today like nobody hit him.

01:16:02.000 Really?

01:16:02.000 Yeah, he's tough as fuck.

01:16:04.000 Damn.

01:16:04.000 He can take a shot, dude.

01:16:05.000 He got nailed.

01:16:06.000 His legs went rubbery.

01:16:07.000 He bounces backwards for a second and then starts walking forwards again like a fucking zombie.

01:16:13.000 It was incredible.

01:16:15.000 He was literally right out of 28 days later.

01:16:19.000 It was fucking crazy.

01:16:21.000 He can take bombs, man.

01:16:23.000 He takes them right on the chin and keeps going.

01:16:25.000 The only person that's been able to put him away is Anderson.

01:16:28.000 Anderson's just way too fast, way too technical, way too fluid, just way too gifted.

01:16:36.000 Anderson's just on another level.

01:16:37.000 But for a lot of other people, man, you know, it's like Arturo Gotti couldn't fight with Floyd Mayweather.

01:16:44.000 He got in there with Floyd Mayweather.

01:16:45.000 He just couldn't compete.

01:16:46.000 He couldn't compete with the style.

01:16:48.000 He couldn't compete with the technical superiority, the speed, the reflexes, the training.

01:16:53.000 Everything was superior, and he just got lit up.

01:16:55.000 But when he fought someone like Mickey Ward, who was in his range, he put on some of the most incredible fights ever.

01:17:03.000 It's just a matter of getting him the right opponent.

01:17:06.000 And Lieben keeps getting better and better.

01:17:09.000 He's beating high-level guys.

01:17:12.000 Aaron Simpson, the guy who beat before he beat this guy, is a bad motherfucker, man.

01:17:17.000 Aaron's a serious fucking wrestler.

01:17:19.000 Strong as shit, incredible endurance.

01:17:21.000 I mean, his fight with Tom Lawler, he got nailed from pillar to post in that first round.

01:17:28.000 And then in the second round...

01:17:29.000 He came back and he fucking started taking Lawler down.

01:17:33.000 In the third round, he came back and won that round too.

01:17:35.000 And wound up getting the decision when it looked like he was a dead man in the first round.

01:17:40.000 He was getting battered.

01:17:40.000 So this guy's tough as fuck.

01:17:42.000 So when Lieben put him away, it was like, wow, that's strong.

01:17:46.000 That's a strong statement, you know?

01:17:48.000 And then the next fight, to go right from that, two weeks later, to fight Akiyama, you know?

01:17:53.000 And Akiyama is a fucking bad dude, man.

01:17:56.000 Knocked out Dennis Kang.

01:17:57.000 He's fast as fuck.

01:17:59.000 Awesome judo.

01:18:00.000 Real solid grappler, you know?

01:18:02.000 He's a good dude, so leaving two fucking sweet wins in a row.

01:18:06.000 And how about that Christoph Sosinski-Stefan Bonner fight?

01:18:09.000 Holy shit!

01:18:11.000 That's my second favorite of the night.

01:18:13.000 Dude, that was amazing.

01:18:14.000 Bonner just attacked like a man possessed.

01:18:17.000 Yeah, that was awesome.

01:18:18.000 He knew that it was do-or-die time.

01:18:21.000 He had lost to Coleman.

01:18:22.000 He had, you know, had the fight with Susinski.

01:18:25.000 Like, he was fighting...

01:18:26.000 Look, that guy will always have a home in the UFC because he's a part of the biggest fight in the history of the sport.

01:18:31.000 The most important fight.

01:18:32.000 The fight that got everybody to pay attention.

01:18:34.000 The fight with him and Stefan Bonner when they were on Spike TV, when it was the finals of the Ultimate Fighter, the very first season...

01:18:40.000 People were, so many people were tuning in while the fight was on that I think the amount of people viewing the fight, by the time the first fight of the card started to Stephen Bonner and Forrest Griffin, Forrest Griffin's fight, it like doubled, tripled, quadrupled.

01:18:57.000 At one point in time, some insane number, like 6 to 10 million they estimated, I forget what it was, but something crazy was watching that fight.

01:19:05.000 Well, nobody was watching Spike TV before that.

01:19:07.000 Just people were calling their friends and they were like, dude, you gotta fucking turn this on.

01:19:12.000 Turn on channel, whatever it is.

01:19:13.000 These two guys are beating the shit out of each other.

01:19:15.000 And Forrest Griffin and Stephen Bonner had like a movie fight.

01:19:19.000 It wasn't even real.

01:19:20.000 It was like a goddamn Every Which Way But Loose Clint Eastwood movie.

01:19:23.000 It was him fighting Tank Murdoch.

01:19:25.000 They beat each other all over the fucking place and kept coming.

01:19:28.000 They just went after each other for 15 solid minutes.

01:19:31.000 Nobody backed down for a second.

01:19:33.000 So he'll always have a strong place in the organization.

01:19:37.000 They'll always have love for that dude.

01:19:40.000 But he also knew that he wants to be back in the heat at 205. He wants to be fighting up to his potential.

01:19:47.000 And he knows he's had some good outings and some not so good outings.

01:19:51.000 The Jon Jones fight was a tough loss.

01:19:52.000 He had three tough losses in a row.

01:19:54.000 So he stepped in like a fucking wild man.

01:19:56.000 Fought like his life was on the line.

01:19:57.000 I was actually surprised to see him back.

01:20:00.000 Were you?

01:20:01.000 Yeah.

01:20:02.000 But I'm glad because I always liked that guy.

01:20:03.000 Well, you know, he got through when Coleman got cut, man.

01:20:08.000 Coleman fought Couture.

01:20:09.000 He got cut.

01:20:10.000 But right before Coleman beat Couture, or lost to Couture, rather, he beat Bonner.

01:20:15.000 Are you surprised that Kimbo was not giving an extra shot?

01:20:19.000 Yeah.

01:20:20.000 Yes and no.

01:20:22.000 I see the point.

01:20:24.000 Really, if he wasn't Kimbo, you would have to cut him.

01:20:27.000 Matt Mitrione beat him down, and it didn't look like he was in the right kind of condition.

01:20:32.000 It looks like he got really tired.

01:20:34.000 His technical prowess wasn't up to the level of Mitrione.

01:20:37.000 Mitrione improved much more from his time on The Ultimate Fighter.

01:20:40.000 And you also have to wonder about Kimbo's body.

01:20:43.000 Kimbo had some real knee problems on the show.

01:20:45.000 And the knee problems that he had on the show, they weren't like fixable things.

01:20:50.000 It's like bone-on-bone type shit.

01:20:51.000 Like he's worn out the cartilage in one of his knees, which means you can't train as hard.

01:20:56.000 You can't sprawl and you can't do the kind of wrestling training that you need.

01:21:00.000 You can't get your legs kicked the way you kind of need to get kicked.

01:21:03.000 You know, he's got like a pretty serious problem.

01:21:05.000 That problem kept him from fighting in the main event or getting another shot at getting back in the heat of the show, remember?

01:21:12.000 He got eliminated and then they offered him a fight and he passed on the fight because of his knee.

01:21:18.000 That's not something that gets better.

01:21:20.000 So it's like, unless he's got some sort of a cartilage replacement surgery, or I don't know what they're even able to do these days, he's got a problem with that knee, and that knee is going to keep him from being able to train the way a GSP trains, or Tiago Alves trains, or any of the killers.

01:21:35.000 So it's, you know, I don't know.

01:21:38.000 I think you can still make a lot of money off the guy and the guy still wants a fight.

01:21:41.000 I look at it as like, you know, Butterbean.

01:21:43.000 Remember when Butterbean was king of the four-rounders?

01:21:45.000 You know, it doesn't mean you don't use Butterbean on your car just because he's not going to beat Larry Holmes.

01:21:49.000 You know, get Butterbean out there.

01:21:51.000 Fuck it, you know, put him out there.

01:21:52.000 It's still entertaining.

01:21:55.000 You know, it's like Chris Lieben.

01:21:57.000 I mean, Chris Lieben is, you know, he's battling it out with the best in the world.

01:22:01.000 He's beating Akiyama, beating, you know, he's starting to move up in the chain.

01:22:05.000 But the end of the rainbow for him is always going to be Anderson Silva.

01:22:09.000 You know, Anderson, I mean, look, anybody can beat anybody on any given day.

01:22:13.000 If you run into one of Chris Lieben's punches, you could be in a lot of trouble.

01:22:17.000 But technically, the two are so far apart.

01:22:20.000 Anderson is in such a different level athletically.

01:22:23.000 His ease of movement.

01:22:25.000 It's just like, what do you do?

01:22:27.000 You're not going to cut Lieben.

01:22:28.000 Why would you cut him?

01:22:29.000 He's one of the most entertaining fighters in the world.

01:22:30.000 So even if he can't beat Anderson, you've got to keep him around.

01:22:33.000 Even if he can never beat the best guy in the world, which I'm not saying he can't.

01:22:36.000 You never fucking know.

01:22:38.000 And he's improving, and shit happens, and weirder things have taken place in this world.

01:22:42.000 But even if he doesn't...

01:22:44.000 If he can never beat Anderson, he should still be around because he's awesome.

01:22:50.000 He's fucking fun as shit to watch.

01:22:51.000 So I think that about Kimbo, too.

01:22:53.000 I think Kimbo's fun to watch.

01:22:54.000 And even though he's not...

01:22:58.000 At the level that, you know, Gene Dos Santos is or Cain Velasquez is, he's not at that level.

01:23:03.000 I mean, you just got to match him correctly.

01:23:06.000 Just accept the fact that this guy is never going to be a title contender.

01:23:10.000 And even though that's not really what the UFC is all about, the UFC is the very best guys fighting the very best guys.

01:23:16.000 It doesn't maybe hurt throwing a young gun in there with a gatekeeper, make Kimbo a gatekeeper, you know, make him a guy that you test young guys with.

01:23:24.000 I think that makes it kind of interesting.

01:23:26.000 As long as Kimball wants to keep doing it, and if he keeps losing and then, you know, gets to a point where nobody wants to see him anymore, then maybe stop using him.

01:23:33.000 Give him a chance, though.

01:23:34.000 What do you think Dana White would say about having a UFC bar that was just in the middle, there was an octagon, and every night you just go there and there's just people fighting constantly?

01:23:43.000 We couldn't do that.

01:23:44.000 We couldn't have that many people fighting.

01:23:46.000 No?

01:23:46.000 No.

01:23:47.000 It would be too hard to sanction it.

01:23:48.000 It would be too hard to ensure that everybody had their proper medicals.

01:23:52.000 It would be too hard to find qualified fighters because they can't fight.

01:23:56.000 Lieben fought Aaron Simpson and two weeks later he fought Akiyama.

01:24:00.000 Very unusual.

01:24:01.000 For most people, there's a few months off in between fights, and a lot of that is because you get beat up, and you've got to relax and rest and heal up.

01:24:07.000 If you have any injuries, they have to be fixed.

01:24:10.000 Some guys break their hands.

01:24:11.000 Some guys pull ligaments.

01:24:13.000 They have to get operations.

01:24:14.000 Shogun just got an operation on his knee.

01:24:16.000 Can you imagine if they did that, like in Vegas or something like that?

01:24:19.000 I think a better bar solution, since the UFC has this gigantic library of 116 events, the best idea is to serve good food, have a cool bar, and have the UFC playing on all these different fucking televisions.

01:24:33.000 Yeah, a steak bar.

01:24:39.000 Yes, or they have it on every goddamn TV in the room.

01:24:42.000 During a live show, they have it on every goddamn TV in the room, and you have to pay 20 bucks to get in, or whatever it is.

01:24:46.000 Goddamn, they would clean the fuck up.

01:24:48.000 We're going to the UFC bar, because really, there's a cool thing about watching it live.

01:24:54.000 I love watching fights live, because it's crazy, and you're right there when it's going down.

01:24:58.000 The experience is nothing like anything you've ever had before.

01:25:02.000 If...

01:25:03.000 Your seats are good.

01:25:04.000 But if your seats aren't that good, you know, if you're in the bleachers, you know, it's kind of cool being there still.

01:25:10.000 But it's pretty fucking badass to go to a place with a bunch of other people and watch it on TV. You know?

01:25:16.000 Like having a UFC bar where people, you know, if you can't afford to go to Vegas, you know, you're living in another city, everybody, all your friends are going to go to the UFC bar and watch the fight.

01:25:24.000 Totally.

01:25:25.000 I think it would be for MMA fans alone and everything.

01:25:27.000 I think Dana could have his own little menu, like Dana's desserts, Brock's beverages.

01:25:31.000 Dana's desserts.

01:25:32.000 Pinkberry.

01:25:33.000 Joe Rogan's ravioli.

01:25:36.000 Ravioli.

01:25:38.000 Why do I have ravioli?

01:25:40.000 Because you have time.

01:25:41.000 Hey.

01:25:42.000 Hey.

01:25:43.000 Quiz by ravioli.

01:25:44.000 That would work.

01:25:45.000 But having live fights, I don't think that would work.

01:25:47.000 I think that would be a little too much.

01:25:49.000 Yeah, but no, seriously.

01:25:50.000 They have UFC gyms now, you know that?

01:25:51.000 Yeah.

01:25:52.000 I'm sure that's doing good too.

01:25:54.000 I don't know.

01:25:54.000 I don't know anything about it.

01:25:55.000 Pretty crazy.

01:25:56.000 Some dude Facebooked me from a UFC show.

01:26:00.000 He's like, I'm the manager of UFC gym.

01:26:02.000 If you're ever in town, you want to work out.

01:26:03.000 I'm like, alright, buddy.

01:26:04.000 I think that sounds like a great idea.

01:26:06.000 Fucking do some squats at your UFC gym.

01:26:09.000 Take a goddamn Thai boat class.

01:26:11.000 Right.

01:26:11.000 I wonder what kind of classes they're going to have.

01:26:12.000 What kind of liability do you have if you let dudes actually beat the shit out of each other?

01:26:16.000 I know.

01:26:17.000 Because if you have sparring, the bottom line is you're not going through extensive medicals when you have sparring.

01:26:22.000 When dudes spar in kickboxing classes...

01:26:25.000 I've never taken a blood test.

01:26:27.000 I've never taken a fucking CAT scan.

01:26:29.000 I've never taken shit.

01:26:31.000 But that's like any workout.

01:26:32.000 Any gym has to probably have.

01:26:33.000 Just sign here.

01:26:34.000 We're not responsible.

01:26:35.000 Dude, you don't even sign anything.

01:26:37.000 At boxing gyms, most of them you don't sign shit.

01:26:40.000 The places I've worked out on, they'll just slap gloves on you and you climb in the ring with another dude that you don't even know and you say, okay, just go easy.

01:26:48.000 Go easy.

01:26:48.000 Let me see what you can do.

01:26:49.000 And you're fucking throwing punches with some dude that you don't even know.

01:26:52.000 And, you know, who knows?

01:26:53.000 Most of the time dudes are cool, but every now and then dudes will try to take your head off.

01:26:56.000 They don't know.

01:26:57.000 You might have an aneurysm just ready to pop right behind your eyeball.

01:27:00.000 And he touches you in the chin, your legs go, you fall, you hit your head on the back of the mat, and that thing bursts and just fills your eyeballs with blood and you fucking die right there.

01:27:08.000 That's possible.

01:27:09.000 I need to go to the...

01:27:10.000 When I went to get my eyes checked a while back, they were like, there's something in the back of your eye.

01:27:14.000 It's probably nothing, but you should take it to a doctor.

01:27:16.000 And I'm like, ah!

01:27:17.000 Oh, you've got a brain tumor.

01:27:18.000 I know.

01:27:19.000 That was like 10 years ago, though.

01:27:20.000 I would know it right now.

01:27:21.000 You've got to smoke a lot of weed and lose weight.

01:27:23.000 Yeah.

01:27:24.000 And eat a lot of vegetables.

01:27:25.000 15 pounds today.

01:27:27.000 Drink my kombucha, too.

01:27:28.000 You've lost 15 pounds over the course of how long?

01:27:30.000 Since the 18th of June.

01:27:33.000 That's a lot of weight.

01:27:34.000 How the fuck are you losing that much weight?

01:27:36.000 Cracks, cigarettes, hookers.

01:27:39.000 Now, I've modified Weight Watcher, the Weight Watcher diet, which is...

01:27:43.000 Modified, meaning you're taking less calories.

01:27:45.000 Well, Weight Watchers is you have this many points, you use them based on...

01:27:49.000 And this is the food, like an orange is two points, you know, a sandwich is six points, whatever.

01:27:53.000 So what I've been doing is doing the Weight Watcher diet, but only eating zero to one point shit.

01:27:58.000 So mostly vegetables, mostly protein.

01:28:01.000 Do you eat like little small meals to keep like your metabolism going?

01:28:04.000 I eat small meals throughout the day.

01:28:06.000 But it's all like one point, zero point shit.

01:28:09.000 And I'm not going anywhere close to my allowed 35 points a day.

01:28:13.000 I'm probably doing seven.

01:28:14.000 Seven points a day?

01:28:15.000 Yeah.

01:28:16.000 You're like a little chick.

01:28:17.000 And that's just like chicken.

01:28:18.000 You're like a goddamn chick, bro.

01:28:19.000 You're like Lindsay Lohan.

01:28:20.000 You're starving yourself to death.

01:28:21.000 Totally.

01:28:22.000 That's great.

01:28:22.000 No, but I'm making sure I'm getting all the nutrients and proteins and all that stuff.

01:28:26.000 Since I've known Brian, just for FYI, since I've known...

01:28:30.000 Why is your phone on?

01:28:31.000 That's not me, is it?

01:28:32.000 Or alerts.

01:28:33.000 You're getting alerts.

01:28:35.000 Since I've known Brian, he's done this like five times where he got heavy and then he got skinny.

01:28:40.000 He got heavy.

01:28:41.000 Yo-yo dieting is one of the safest ways to longevity your life.

01:28:47.000 Longeviate.

01:28:48.000 He went from...

01:28:49.000 You were up at like...

01:28:50.000 What was the heaviest you were ever at?

01:28:52.000 243. 243. And by the way, he's...

01:28:55.000 How tall are you?

01:28:56.000 5'8".

01:28:57.000 Okay.

01:28:58.000 243. That's giant.

01:29:00.000 He was a fat guy.

01:29:01.000 His legs used to touch together in the middle.

01:29:03.000 He had to wear crazy pants.

01:29:05.000 His pants were always way too long because his waist and his butt were way too big for pants that were that long.

01:29:11.000 So his pants were always shuffling.

01:29:15.000 And then this guy got dumped by his girlfriend and went...

01:29:18.000 Fiance.

01:29:19.000 Sorry.

01:29:20.000 It's much more devastating than just a girlfriend.

01:29:22.000 Right.

01:29:22.000 Seven years.

01:29:23.000 They were together for a long time.

01:29:24.000 It was very devastating.

01:29:25.000 And he went on a goddamn Weight Watcher elliptical machine rampage over the course of how long?

01:29:33.000 Three months.

01:29:34.000 You lost like 70 pounds, right?

01:29:36.000 I was 163 was the lowest I got.

01:29:39.000 Then I decided to stop.

01:29:41.000 And that was in three months.

01:29:42.000 Yeah.

01:29:43.000 That's so unhealthy.

01:29:45.000 That's so unhealthy, dude.

01:29:48.000 You basically starved yourself.

01:29:50.000 Do you have pictures of yourself when you were that skinny?

01:29:52.000 Yeah.

01:29:53.000 Do you have anything that would shock the people at home?

01:29:55.000 Yeah, I do actually.

01:29:56.000 I have something really disturbing.

01:29:57.000 Pull that up so I can take a look at that because it was really strange.

01:29:59.000 It turns out Brian has a weird head.

01:30:02.000 Yeah.

01:30:03.000 We just don't know because it's always embraced in a roll of soft tissue and you don't get to see the true shape of his head.

01:30:13.000 But when you just see Skinny Brian, Skinny Brian is a strange dude.

01:30:16.000 I don't even know what nationality he is.

01:30:19.000 He looks like he's a fucking alien.

01:30:21.000 I'll find it.

01:30:22.000 Where's Kenny Bryant?

01:30:23.000 What we gotta do is we gotta make your neck build up to match your head.

01:30:29.000 It's very important.

01:30:30.000 You can have a big head as long as you have a big neck to support that big head.

01:30:34.000 But you got a big head, son, and you don't have a big neck.

01:30:37.000 And that shit looks strange.

01:30:38.000 Well, that's because...

01:30:40.000 That's because your head is used to your body being gigantic.

01:30:43.000 So what you got to do is you got to build your neck up.

01:30:45.000 You know that's one of the most popular things in Hollywood though for actors to have big heads.

01:30:49.000 Neck exercises?

01:30:50.000 They want you to have a big head.

01:30:51.000 What is that about?

01:30:53.000 I don't know.

01:30:54.000 It's a thing where maybe it's a more brains thing.

01:30:57.000 That's not what I wanted.

01:30:58.000 But it can't be true because I know some people with big heads are stupid as fuck.

01:31:02.000 Here's a picture of me holding my old pants up.

01:31:05.000 Wow.

01:31:06.000 Well, this is not helping the people at home.

01:31:08.000 No.

01:31:09.000 No, I'm going to find a better one.

01:31:10.000 I'll post it on my Twitter later today.

01:31:12.000 Well, when you do, I'll retweet it.

01:31:15.000 Because I know people are fucking excited to see what you look like when you look strange.

01:31:18.000 There's one picture I have that's just so scary.

01:31:20.000 But what was interesting is when you went from being a fat guy to a skinny guy, you also found out that you're attractive.

01:31:27.000 And you started getting girls.

01:31:28.000 Girls were liking you, man.

01:31:30.000 It was like, you know, chicks should be into Brian.

01:31:33.000 And Brian was like, wow, this is crazy.

01:31:35.000 Look at what this is like.

01:31:37.000 But then what happens?

01:31:39.000 And I settle in.

01:31:40.000 Then you get a girlfriend.

01:31:41.000 I get a girlfriend.

01:31:41.000 I gain it all back.

01:31:44.000 Never gained it all back.

01:31:45.000 No, I didn't.

01:31:45.000 I'm probably 195 right now.

01:31:50.000 195. Wow.

01:31:52.000 So, at least you're still 40-whatever pounds away from what you were.

01:31:57.000 Right.

01:31:57.000 I don't want to get back to 165. That was way too low.

01:32:00.000 I looked like I had AIDS. No, you didn't.

01:32:02.000 I thought I did.

01:32:02.000 You just looked like what you're supposed to look like, dude.

01:32:04.000 You're just so used to seeing yourself gigantic.

01:32:07.000 You did not look like you had AIDS. I swear.

01:32:09.000 You never looked scary skinny.

01:32:11.000 You never did.

01:32:12.000 It looked weird because all of a sudden you were this tiny person.

01:32:17.000 That's you.

01:32:18.000 Isn't that ridiculous?

01:32:19.000 That looks like a healthy person.

01:32:21.000 Really?

01:32:21.000 I hate to say that, but that looks like a healthy person.

01:32:23.000 Your problem is your head's too big for your body.

01:32:25.000 You've got to start working out.

01:32:26.000 If you started working out, dude, you'd be a sexy bitch right there.

01:32:29.000 You're looking sexy as fuck.

01:32:31.000 Yeah.

01:32:33.000 There's a dude that I know that has the tiniest head, and it always trips me out whenever I talk to him.

01:32:37.000 He has it backwards?

01:32:39.000 He has the tiniest head ever?

01:32:40.000 He has a very small head.

01:32:41.000 And all I can think of when I'm next to him is what it'd be like to punch him in his little tiny head.

01:32:46.000 I mean, I don't want to do it, and I would never do it.

01:32:49.000 But I just think, man, if you punch this guy, and not even me, if a person did punch this guy in his tiny little head, you could just crush his head.

01:32:57.000 He's got a bird head.

01:32:58.000 Right.

01:32:59.000 That's weird.

01:33:00.000 Yeah.

01:33:00.000 I'd rather have a way big two head.

01:33:02.000 Yeah.

01:33:03.000 Way big two?

01:33:03.000 Way big two.

01:33:04.000 Filled with smarts.

01:33:05.000 My fucking stupid head is smart as fuck.

01:33:08.000 Yeah.

01:33:09.000 So, your...

01:33:12.000 That's another skinny photo, Brian.

01:33:14.000 That's crazy.

01:33:14.000 We'll put these up on Twitter.

01:33:16.000 I'm telling you, dude, that looks healthy.

01:33:18.000 I think I look like a gay lesbian right now.

01:33:21.000 Brian, that's what you look like, goddammit.

01:33:23.000 You're a gay lesbian.

01:33:24.000 Underneath it all, that's what you look like when you're thin.

01:33:28.000 That's hilarious, but I don't want to be a gay lesbian.

01:33:29.000 But how come you can't stay the same way?

01:33:32.000 Don't you monitor your weight and you see it go up?

01:33:35.000 What do you do?

01:33:36.000 What's the process?

01:33:37.000 When you see it going up, what keeps you from just recognizing that and cutting back on your food?

01:33:42.000 Well, it's not even a cutback of food.

01:33:43.000 I have the metabolism of a small goat.

01:33:46.000 Small goats are skinny as fuck, dude.

01:33:48.000 What are you talking about?

01:33:49.000 They're lean.

01:33:50.000 That's a terrible example.

01:33:52.000 I meant it backwards.

01:33:53.000 You have a metabolism of a fat person.

01:33:55.000 Yeah.

01:33:55.000 I mean, I fucking eat, like, two pieces of pizza.

01:33:58.000 I'll gain it.

01:33:59.000 So if you just gave up and just were a sedentary fuck and had a normal 9-5 job, we ate shit at the office and ate shit for lunch, and then you came home and you were too tired to work and you ate and then watched TV, you'd just be a giant fat dude.

01:34:10.000 I'd be complete.

01:34:11.000 Crazy huge.

01:34:12.000 I wonder how many dudes...

01:34:12.000 My grandmother was like 600 pounds on my dad's side.

01:34:16.000 Really?

01:34:17.000 Yeah.

01:34:17.000 She was humongous.

01:34:18.000 Diabetes, everything.

01:34:20.000 That's scary.

01:34:21.000 Yeah, my dad's side.

01:34:22.000 Yeah.

01:34:23.000 I wonder how many dudes who are like that have like a hormonal imbalance, a thyroid imbalance or something.

01:34:28.000 That could be corrected.

01:34:29.000 Well, it's so...

01:34:31.000 Well, I got mine checked.

01:34:32.000 I'm supposedly fine, whatever.

01:34:34.000 Your thyroid's fine.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:36.000 They check your testosterone?

01:34:37.000 No, I don't.

01:34:38.000 It's non-detective.

01:34:40.000 I was listening to Sirius Satellite Radio the other day, and one of the things they were saying about guys who gain a lot of weight is a lot of times it's just some sort of a hormone imbalance, and that it's maybe a testosterone imbalance.

01:34:54.000 They could cure it with some cream.

01:34:56.000 Yeah, but when I just get more hairier, I don't need that anymore in my life.

01:34:59.000 Listen, bitch, what are you going to take?

01:35:01.000 Hair and have some fucking energy and not become fat immediately?

01:35:05.000 I should get that checked, honestly, because I bet you I'm fucking non-detected.

01:35:08.000 Are you tired all the time?

01:35:09.000 I'm tired from when I wake up in the morning and I'm tired.

01:35:12.000 I guarantee you.

01:35:13.000 And especially because you don't do anything that forces your body to produce it.

01:35:16.000 You're not involved in any heavy lifting or anything.

01:35:19.000 I think that's one of the most important things when you're maintaining your health as you get older.

01:35:23.000 You have to do strength training.

01:35:24.000 You have to do training that makes your body constantly regenerate tissue, keep your glands pumping.

01:35:30.000 What do you want to say?

01:35:31.000 When I wake up, I really feel tired.

01:35:33.000 I never have woken up and be like, wow, let's go.

01:35:36.000 You might have sleep apnea too, man.

01:35:37.000 I probably have that too.

01:35:38.000 Do you snore?

01:35:38.000 Yeah.

01:35:39.000 Chicks tell you to snore?

01:35:40.000 Yep.

01:35:40.000 Do you ever gag in your sleep?

01:35:41.000 No, I don't do that though.

01:35:43.000 Well, you should get tested, man.

01:35:44.000 I got a new mouthpiece that I started wearing because I got diagnosed with sleep apnea a few years ago.

01:35:49.000 And when the doctor created this mouthpiece, it's got Dr. Karopian in Tarzana.

01:35:53.000 We created a mouthpiece that keeps your tongue down.

01:35:56.000 The problem is I have a big tongue and my neck is big from working out all the time and my hole that I have in the back of my throat is not so big.

01:36:04.000 And so when I lie down, my tongue falls back as I relax and covers over the fucking hole and I gag and cough.

01:36:10.000 A lot of times it's fat people.

01:36:12.000 Fat people have it, but athletes have it a lot too.

01:36:14.000 Anybody who has a big neck, if you have a big tongue, it's probably going to happen to you.

01:36:18.000 So this mouthpiece kind of keeps your tongue down.

01:36:20.000 Well, he just invented a new one.

01:36:21.000 I just started using this new one.

01:36:23.000 Dude, it's incredible.

01:36:24.000 I wake up, I feel so fucking rested.

01:36:27.000 Mrs. Rogan says I don't snore at all anymore.

01:36:29.000 And I feel so much better.

01:36:32.000 And my dreams are super vivid, man.

01:36:34.000 My dreams are really intense.

01:36:36.000 They're really like very, very lifelike to the point where sometimes my alarm goes off in mid-dream.

01:36:41.000 And I'm like, wow, that was a dream?

01:36:43.000 Because they're not even like crazy dreams.

01:36:46.000 They're dreams like life dreams.

01:36:49.000 It's very strange.

01:36:50.000 They don't have a dream-like feel to them.

01:36:52.000 They feel like I dropped another level below in my depth of my sleeping.

01:36:59.000 Maybe I'm reaching a REM level that I wasn't reaching before because I was snoring all the time.

01:37:05.000 Wow.

01:37:06.000 It would choke and I have this sleep apnea problem.

01:37:07.000 Because even the mouthpiece didn't totally cure it.

01:37:09.000 It definitely made it better.

01:37:11.000 But I still snored.

01:37:12.000 This new one, I don't snore at all.

01:37:14.000 Is that a picture of you and Jenna Jameson?

01:37:16.000 Yeah.

01:37:16.000 When she was...

01:37:18.000 What?

01:37:20.000 We were in Arizona.

01:37:21.000 Yeah.

01:37:22.000 So, what's the goal now?

01:37:24.000 You're at 195, and what's your goal?

01:37:26.000 Trying to get to 165. Yeah, you should get your hormones checked out, son.

01:37:29.000 You might have problems.

01:37:30.000 I should.

01:37:31.000 You know, they can...

01:37:32.000 You can do things to cure it, but one of the things that works is squats.

01:37:37.000 Squats and, you know, heavy lifting makes your body produce more testosterone, makes your body produce more growth hormone.

01:37:44.000 It's very good for you.

01:37:45.000 But, you gotta not be a pussy.

01:37:47.000 You gotta actually do them.

01:37:48.000 Yeah.

01:37:49.000 You don't seem like you're the type of dude that's really into...

01:37:51.000 I just seem like the energy I have per day is so small that to me...

01:37:58.000 Is that how you look at it?

01:37:59.000 Yeah.

01:38:00.000 I feel like I'm barely trying not to go back to sleep.

01:38:05.000 Damn, dude.

01:38:06.000 You really need to get yourself checked out.

01:38:08.000 What if you have a real issue?

01:38:09.000 I probably do, but if I've had it, I've had it my whole life.

01:38:13.000 Hmm.

01:38:14.000 If I've had it.

01:38:15.000 What do you think?

01:38:17.000 I don't know.

01:38:18.000 What?

01:38:20.000 Fucking goddamn kids, get off my lawn.

01:38:24.000 We haven't looked at the questions on Twitter in forever.

01:38:29.000 Oh, here's the other thing that I did last week that I forgot.

01:38:32.000 I accidentally gave my phone number out on Twitter.

01:38:34.000 Yeah.

01:38:35.000 What's going on with that?

01:38:36.000 I fucked up royally.

01:38:38.000 I gave my phone number out.

01:38:40.000 I gave it to Doug Benson because Doug was going to come to Vegas this weekend and he wanted to come hang out with us at the House of Blues.

01:38:46.000 And I said, yeah, man.

01:38:47.000 I said, I can even get you into the UFC. Here's my phone number.

01:38:51.000 Call me.

01:38:52.000 And I put it in the main Twitter box instead of the direct message box.

01:38:56.000 I thought I was sending a direct message.

01:38:58.000 Wow.

01:38:59.000 So I tweeted my fucking number to the whole world.

01:39:02.000 So I was like, God damn it.

01:39:03.000 And then it just started vibrating and vibrating and the calls were just coming in like they never stopped.

01:39:09.000 It was like one after the other.

01:39:11.000 I've got 130-something thousand Twitter friends and who knows how many, maybe 10,000 might have seen it.

01:39:17.000 I tried to delete it, but it was too late.

01:39:19.000 It was out there.

01:39:20.000 And so then as I was driving to the Verizon store to go change my number, I just started answering phone calls.

01:39:25.000 I'm like, what's up?

01:39:26.000 Is this Joe Rogan?

01:39:27.000 I'm like, yeah, man.

01:39:28.000 What's going on?

01:39:28.000 What are you doing?

01:39:30.000 I'm like, I'm on my way to the Verizon store.

01:39:31.000 I'm just turning in my phone.

01:39:33.000 I would answer it here for you guys and show you, but I have Verizon, and Verizon doesn't work here where I live.

01:39:40.000 But I did it all weekend.

01:39:41.000 I just kept it as a fan line.

01:39:43.000 You did act very nice, though.

01:39:44.000 You could have told all those morons who called you and ruined your phone number.

01:39:48.000 You could have just posted all those online and fucked them.

01:39:52.000 But you were nice about it.

01:39:53.000 You took the high road.

01:39:55.000 Well, what are they doing?

01:39:56.000 They're just, look, I fucked up.

01:39:58.000 It's out there.

01:39:59.000 You're not going to take it away.

01:40:01.000 It's not like everyone's going to be so cool that no one's going to call you on that number.

01:40:04.000 Wouldn't that be great, though, if everyone was cool?

01:40:06.000 No, because some of the people just wanted to call to say hi.

01:40:08.000 Why not?

01:40:09.000 If you were 18 years old and you were a fan of some dude and all of a sudden he's got his phone number online and you call him and he actually answers, he's like, holy shit!

01:40:17.000 That's most of the calls.

01:40:18.000 Most of the calls were people saying, holy shit, and they were all cool.

01:40:21.000 What do you think about Fedor losing?

01:40:22.000 Is he out of the UFC now?

01:40:23.000 Is he never going to bring him in now?

01:40:25.000 I had all these conversations about comedy.

01:40:28.000 I had conversations about MMA. I had a bunch of different conversations about all kinds of shit.

01:40:34.000 And I was like, I'm going to keep this phone.

01:40:35.000 Fuck it.

01:40:35.000 So I kept it as a fan line.

01:40:37.000 If you want to call it, I really do answer it.

01:40:38.000 Not all the time, but I pick it up every now and then.

01:40:41.000 818-517-2774.

01:40:44.000 That's my phone number.

01:40:45.000 That's my fan line now.

01:40:46.000 It's so weird that you just said that.

01:40:48.000 I know.

01:40:48.000 It's the real number, right?

01:40:49.000 Right.

01:40:50.000 Like, shit!

01:40:51.000 He's giving out the real number!

01:40:52.000 But I thought that would be kind of cooler, too, to actually give out the real number.

01:40:55.000 Instead of getting another number and making it my fan line, it's actually kind of cool that you actually have my real number.

01:41:00.000 I mean, that's like my legit number that I've had for fucking a decade.

01:41:04.000 Right.

01:41:05.000 So, that's my number.

01:41:06.000 And that's the deal.

01:41:08.000 This weekend, I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv with the one and only Joey Coco Diaz.

01:41:16.000 And that's going to be a lot of fun.

01:41:18.000 Ontario's a badass club.

01:41:19.000 It's selling out quickly.

01:41:21.000 If you want to get in, I know a lot of people got shut out in Irvine.

01:41:25.000 I talked to a lot of people that were disappointed, and I'm sorry I didn't get in.

01:41:28.000 But these clubs, they only seat like 300 people.

01:41:32.000 So if you want to come to a show, especially like the Friday shows and the Saturday shows, Sunday sometimes is a little easier because you've got less people out doing things.

01:41:41.000 But Friday and Saturday, those fucking tickets sell quick.

01:41:44.000 Irvine was awesome.

01:41:45.000 Irvine last weekend.

01:41:46.000 Every show sold out.

01:41:47.000 Every show was cool.

01:41:48.000 People were cool as fuck.

01:41:49.000 It was awesome.

01:41:50.000 And then House of Blues was awesome too.

01:41:52.000 Although I did get a tad too drunk.

01:41:55.000 Just a touch.

01:41:56.000 Yeah, what happened?

01:41:56.000 One shot over the line.

01:41:58.000 Not too bad.

01:41:59.000 Because I didn't actually...

01:42:00.000 No, nothing.

01:42:00.000 It was nothing bad.

01:42:01.000 The show was great.

01:42:02.000 But I definitely got too drunk.

01:42:03.000 And I told the second half of a joke twice.

01:42:06.000 But it was because I didn't tell the first half of it right the first time.

01:42:09.000 So I tried to redo it.

01:42:11.000 And then I realized as I was saying it, I was like, I already said this.

01:42:15.000 Does that suck to you?

01:42:16.000 It does, but I just admit it.

01:42:18.000 Do you just stop and admit it?

01:42:20.000 I just said what happened.

01:42:21.000 And Eddie's the one who pointed out.

01:42:23.000 I go, yeah, I know, but I did it because I fucked up this part of it.

01:42:26.000 It's not a good enough answer.

01:42:28.000 The answer really is, I was drunk.

01:42:30.000 That's the answer.

01:42:31.000 I'm saying what I did wrong, but the only reason why I did it again is because I was drunk.

01:42:35.000 Right.

01:42:35.000 I didn't have anything to eat, and I had like three shots in a row on stage, which is two shots too many.

01:42:42.000 But still, it was still a fun, really happy crowd.

01:42:47.000 They were cool.

01:42:48.000 Sam Tripoli was hilarious.

01:42:49.000 Sam was awesome.

01:42:51.000 He crushed it.

01:42:52.000 It was really good.

01:42:53.000 Yeah, that place could go either way.

01:42:55.000 You know, sometimes UFC nights, that place is, you know, the House of Blues is just a madhouse.

01:42:59.000 Well, we fixed it.

01:43:00.000 We fixed it.

01:43:01.000 We fixed it when we got rid of the standing only.

01:43:03.000 That changed the vibe of it so much because people were uncomfortable before and you felt that uncomfort from them because of the fact that they had to stand and watch a show.

01:43:12.000 And I made a lot more money then on those shows, but I don't care.

01:43:15.000 I don't want people to stand up.

01:43:17.000 I think it sucks.

01:43:18.000 When we saw stand up, when we saw Stan Hope, rather, that shit cured me.

01:43:22.000 Yeah.

01:43:22.000 No more stand-up shows.

01:43:24.000 I'll never make someone pay to see me stand up ever again.

01:43:27.000 We fucked up in Memphis.

01:43:29.000 Joey and I did a show in Memphis.

01:43:31.000 It had to be stand-up because it was a really tiny place.

01:43:34.000 And if it wasn't stand-up, it would only seat like 100 people.

01:43:37.000 And all these people were standing up by the bar.

01:43:39.000 So half the crowd was standing.

01:43:41.000 And they were all talking at full voice.

01:43:44.000 Like bar voice.

01:43:45.000 Like no one was like paying attention to the show.

01:43:48.000 When Joey went on stage, no one was.

01:43:50.000 It was like maybe 10% of the people in the bar weren't talking.

01:43:53.000 It was just a low rumble.

01:43:56.000 And then, you know, it was like, okay, this is the final straw.

01:43:59.000 I'll never have a standing room show ever.

01:44:01.000 It's not fun to watch, man.

01:44:03.000 Part of what is good about a show is you can kick back and relax.

01:44:07.000 What would be awesome is if every fucking place you went had real comfortable seats.

01:44:11.000 If you could sit on a couch like this, if that's how you watched every comedy show, kicking back and chilling on a couch, it would be way funnier because you'd be feeling relaxed.

01:44:22.000 You'd have no tension.

01:44:23.000 You're more likely to laugh at shit.

01:44:26.000 When you're standing, your fucking feet hurt.

01:44:28.000 That sucks.

01:44:30.000 The first person I ever heard say that was Jimmy Norton.

01:44:32.000 And I heard Jimmy talking about it.

01:44:33.000 He was promoting one of his shows.

01:44:36.000 And he was talking about, you know, people were calling in and saying that they heard there were standing tickets in the back.

01:44:41.000 And Jimmy was like, no, no, no.

01:44:43.000 My show is a standing show.

01:44:45.000 And I was like, wow, he's like real adamant about that.

01:44:47.000 But I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

01:44:49.000 I'm like, well, maybe he's just, you know, he's more rigid with his style or something.

01:44:53.000 And he wants to make it like that.

01:44:54.000 But then I, you know, I realized that that's the right thing to do.

01:44:58.000 Those standing shows, those Stan Hope shows, I mean, they're fun and everything, but it's not as fun.

01:45:03.000 Yeah.

01:45:04.000 To me, I don't know if it was my age or what.

01:45:06.000 The whole time, I'm just focusing on the pain of my standing, like, how uncomfortable it was.

01:45:11.000 It's not an age thing, man.

01:45:12.000 I didn't like standing up with a concrete floor when I was 10. Yeah.

01:45:15.000 You know, it doesn't feel good.

01:45:16.000 When I worked at Gateway, I had to do it eight hours and you weren't allowed to sit down eight hours a day.

01:45:20.000 So you'd find, like, the thickest shoes and then you'd put, like, the best, like, inserts in.

01:45:26.000 That shit's not good for you, man.

01:45:27.000 Oh, it's not good.

01:45:27.000 Your body's supposed to be moving around, too.

01:45:30.000 When I do stand-up and I'm on stage for an hour and a half or whatever I'm on for, I'm never hurt.

01:45:35.000 I feel fine.

01:45:36.000 I get off.

01:45:37.000 I feel energized.

01:45:38.000 But standing in one place and not moving at all for an hour and a half, that sucks.

01:45:43.000 That's terrible.

01:45:44.000 You're carrying your weight.

01:45:46.000 You don't even think about it, but you're not even moving.

01:45:49.000 You don't even get blood flowing through it.

01:45:51.000 And you're right next to other people, so you can't stretch your arms out and Move your body and touch your toes and shit.

01:45:58.000 If you don't do that, man, your body feels like shit.

01:46:01.000 I think it's very important.

01:46:03.000 That's one of the reasons why I don't like doing comedy too much in bars anymore.

01:46:07.000 I'll do it every now and then just for a goof, just to experience something different, get a different taste of comedy.

01:46:12.000 I'll do shitty little Hollywood gigs every now and again.

01:46:18.000 But I think it's very important.

01:46:19.000 The right atmosphere has to be set.

01:46:21.000 The same atmosphere that's good for music is not the same atmosphere that's good for comedy.

01:46:27.000 Music, you could go up and people could be talking like, how's everybody doing out there?

01:46:30.000 And then you play your song, man.

01:46:32.000 You don't require their attention 100%, their complete interaction.

01:46:36.000 You don't require that.

01:46:37.000 You don't require a response, a definite response from them.

01:46:41.000 Comedy, though.

01:46:44.000 It's tricky.

01:46:44.000 Very tricky.

01:46:45.000 Setting up the atmosphere is so tricky.

01:46:47.000 It's why it's important.

01:46:48.000 I always go on the road with dudes who I think are funny.

01:46:51.000 I always go on the road with friends.

01:46:52.000 It's so important.

01:46:54.000 The worst thing you could ever do is go on the road and a guy opens for you and the guy fucking sucks.

01:46:59.000 He doesn't just suck.

01:47:01.000 He sucks aggressively and it's bad material and it's badly done.

01:47:07.000 It's like the totally different crowd that you would have that he would have normally too.

01:47:13.000 Yeah, most of them would never have a crowd at all.

01:47:15.000 The really bad ones.

01:47:17.000 And I've been one of those really bad ones, by the way.

01:47:19.000 I'm not shitting on them.

01:47:20.000 I mean, it's part of the development process.

01:47:22.000 And writing this book that I'm writing about a lot of my early comedy days, it's making me rehash old bombing stories that I forgot.

01:47:32.000 Terrible, fucking disastrous tales of the road.

01:47:35.000 And they're fucking crazy.

01:47:37.000 But a lot of it was just because I sucked.

01:47:39.000 I was just terrible.

01:47:40.000 I didn't know how to relax back then.

01:47:42.000 I didn't know how to do comedy yet.

01:47:43.000 I was really just fucking feeling it out.

01:47:46.000 Which is fine and good.

01:47:48.000 It's a thing you have to go through.

01:47:49.000 But I don't want people going through it before I get up on stage.

01:47:53.000 Because if they do it right before you, it's like it taints the whole room.

01:47:56.000 It's like someone just came on stage and just shit into their minds, you know?

01:48:00.000 And then you're forced to like clean everything up and start from scratch, you know?

01:48:04.000 You have to like do damage control, you know?

01:48:07.000 Yeah.

01:48:08.000 So weird.

01:48:09.000 This comic I know, he's, I think, 20 years old, and he's just the nicest guy, little kid ever.

01:48:17.000 And he's always asking for advice to Ari and me and stuff like that.

01:48:20.000 Just this really nice guy.

01:48:22.000 I can't tell just how nice this guy is.

01:48:26.000 Did you fuck him?

01:48:27.000 What are you saying?

01:48:27.000 No, no, no.

01:48:27.000 Well, he just told me the other day that he's going to be like lead role in like a real movie now.

01:48:33.000 Wow.

01:48:33.000 And he's going to go from this nice little open mic young kid now, he's going to be like lead role in a movie.

01:48:38.000 It's a big movie or an independent movie?

01:48:40.000 Well, I think it's a big movie.

01:48:42.000 Wow.

01:48:43.000 What it is, it's supposed to be like Cloverfield, but it's at a party with Generation X guys or whatever.

01:48:51.000 And it becomes a monster movie?

01:48:53.000 No, no.

01:48:53.000 How it's recorded.

01:48:55.000 It's a bunch of people with cell phones and stuff like that.

01:48:58.000 You know what, man?

01:48:58.000 Man, I'm not buying that anymore.

01:49:00.000 I bought that shit with, like, the...

01:49:02.000 I thought it was kind of interesting, the Blair Witch Project, how they did that.

01:49:05.000 I thought that was a good movie.

01:49:06.000 I mean, it was really, like, for what it was...

01:49:08.000 When we saw the Blair Witch Project, the first time I saw it, was we were in Houston, and Chris McGuire and I were working at the Laugh Stop, and this was way back in the day, you know, whenever it came out.

01:49:20.000 And this dude who worked at the movie theater across the street came to the show.

01:49:25.000 And after the show, we're all hanging out, and...

01:49:27.000 Smoking weed!

01:49:28.000 And the dude goes, hey, do you guys want to go watch the Blair Witch Project right now?

01:49:32.000 We can all watch it.

01:49:33.000 We'll set it up.

01:49:34.000 I got the keys.

01:49:34.000 We'll turn it on.

01:49:35.000 I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

01:49:37.000 Are you serious?

01:49:37.000 He's like, yeah.

01:49:38.000 So it was like a midnight show, okay?

01:49:40.000 So we went over there at 2 o'clock in the morning.

01:49:42.000 And this dude had the keys, unlocked the place, we got popcorn and shit, and it was just him, the dude, he worked there, a couple other people that worked with him, like a guy and a girl, and me and Chris McGuire.

01:49:53.000 It was just five of us, and we watched the Blair Witch Project, and it was badass.

01:49:56.000 Yeah.

01:49:57.000 It was the perfect way to watch it.

01:49:58.000 Freaked me out.

01:49:58.000 The second time I watched it, it was terrible.

01:50:00.000 did not work not only did it not work there was some dude who brought his baby and this fucking mexican dude and his baby was making all this noise he's like two you know and you know so a bunch of people like shushed him and he got aggressive with the people fuck you bitch don't fucking shush me bitch and i was like okay

01:50:20.000 now i have to fucking think about this guy and his fucking inconsiderate ways and he's got a baby and people trying to shush him and he's you know fucking yelling at them obscenities and threatening them I'll fucking kick your ass, bitch, and that kind of shit.

01:50:34.000 So now you gotta think about him for the fucking movie, so it was a bad experience.

01:50:37.000 Yeah, I hate that.

01:50:38.000 I don't really like going to movies anymore.

01:50:40.000 It's a roll of the dice.

01:50:42.000 Especially when nowadays I can get a Blu-ray.

01:50:45.000 I can wait six months.

01:50:47.000 The experience at my house now is better than going to a movie.

01:50:51.000 If you have a nice, good-sized TV and you've got a good-sized sound system, you don't have to worry.

01:50:57.000 I can pee breaks.

01:50:58.000 I can fucking smoke weed.

01:51:00.000 You can have whatever food you want.

01:51:01.000 You can have a comfortable couch to watch on.

01:51:03.000 It's a way better experience.

01:51:04.000 But people like the event of being out there with other people.

01:51:07.000 You know, people like, that's one of the things people like about a concert.

01:51:10.000 You know, if fucking Ozzy Osbourne was playing just to you, and it was just you and Ozzy alone with his band in a room, you probably wouldn't even want to be there.

01:51:17.000 You know, he'd be like, maybe listen to a song or two, and he'd be like, this is crazy, he's looking me in the eyes and singing, and fucking, you know, you'd have to look at you, you're the only one there.

01:51:25.000 But if you're, you know, one of 15,000 in an arena, then it's cool.

01:51:30.000 Then it's...

01:51:31.000 Then it's fun, then it's crazy, but...

01:51:35.000 I think movie theaters need to reboot, man.

01:51:37.000 Really?

01:51:37.000 I think they need to stop going, hey, we're charging you $14 for tickets, $8 for a popcorn, $5 for a pop.

01:51:44.000 I think they need to make it...

01:51:45.000 It is kind of fucked that you have to pay that much just to watch it.

01:51:47.000 Whereas if you want to own it, it's like $30 in a few months.

01:51:50.000 Not even that!

01:51:51.000 You can get a Best Buy for $14.99 on DVD. $12.99 on DVD. Not Blu-ray, though, right?

01:51:56.000 Blu-ray...

01:51:56.000 $30?

01:51:57.000 Sometimes opening week or first week, they'll have it on sale for like $17...

01:52:02.000 Yeah, if you watch something on Blu-ray, it's so much better.

01:52:04.000 It's so much more comfortable watching shit at home.

01:52:07.000 I watched The Wolfman the other day.

01:52:10.000 Again?

01:52:11.000 Yeah.

01:52:11.000 I watched it again.

01:52:12.000 I don't even like it.

01:52:13.000 It's a terrible movie, but I think it's dope when it's at home.

01:52:17.000 Yeah.

01:52:17.000 When it's at home, I like it.

01:52:18.000 Yeah, it's not bad.

01:52:18.000 When I saw it in the movie theater, I'm like, I paid for this fucking stupid movie.

01:52:21.000 This movie's retarded.

01:52:22.000 Yeah.

01:52:22.000 What did I say that was pretty good?

01:52:23.000 Oh, The Crazies.

01:52:25.000 Crazy.

01:52:26.000 Dude, The Crazies.

01:52:27.000 It's a good goddamn horror movie.

01:52:29.000 Really?

01:52:29.000 Yeah.

01:52:29.000 I don't want to tell you the premise because I didn't know a thing about it.

01:52:32.000 I'll give you the Blu-ray.

01:52:33.000 I got it up here.

01:52:33.000 Oh, cool.

01:52:34.000 I didn't know a thing about it.

01:52:36.000 I knew nothing.

01:52:38.000 But someone had said, this is a really scary movie.

01:52:40.000 Someone Twittered it.

01:52:41.000 So I'm going to check it out because I don't know.

01:52:43.000 And I love when I don't know anything about a movie.

01:52:45.000 I didn't know nothing.

01:52:46.000 I hadn't seen a single preview of I saw a photo with a guy with a pitchfork.

01:52:51.000 That's it.

01:52:51.000 That's all I knew.

01:52:52.000 So I'm like, okay, some crazy shit, obviously.

01:52:54.000 Guy's killing people with a pitchfork.

01:52:57.000 Great movie.

01:52:58.000 I mean, not the best movie in the world, but a good goddamn horror movie.

01:53:02.000 Good, solid, holy shit horror movie.

01:53:04.000 And I'm like, why wasn't this movie popular?

01:53:06.000 Why didn't this movie go somewhere in the movie theater?

01:53:08.000 It's pretty fucking good.

01:53:10.000 I didn't hear a thing about it.

01:53:12.000 Did you hear anything about it?

01:53:13.000 I just remember the advertising, how they advertised it.

01:53:17.000 The Last Airbender.

01:53:19.000 I have not seen it.

01:53:19.000 You know why?

01:53:20.000 Because you're not fooling me again, you fuck.

01:53:23.000 M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong.

01:53:24.000 Your movies are goddamn terrible, sir.

01:53:27.000 I think he's done.

01:53:28.000 You motherfucker.

01:53:29.000 Half the internet sat there when he had 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.

01:53:33.000 It was like, yes, this is hilarious!

01:53:35.000 I know, he had 0% on Rotten Tomatoes for a long time.

01:53:37.000 Was it like 6 now or 7 or something?

01:53:39.000 Yeah, he's got a few percent now.

01:53:41.000 There's a few fools out there.

01:53:42.000 Or some staff members from M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong's fucking...

01:53:47.000 What makes me even more angry is the fact that the opposite is happening with Toy Story 3, because that's a movie, I don't care if you're the most angriest person in the world, you'll sit there and you'll go, at least, yeah, that was a good movie.

01:54:01.000 Those Pixar movies are always good, man.

01:54:03.000 They're so good at it.

01:54:04.000 One bad one?

01:54:05.000 I think there was one or two bad ones, and it was just like, really, I want to meet these people and go, what the fuck is wrong with you?

01:54:11.000 Like, are you really that angry of a person, or are you somebody from a different movie studio just being a dick, you know?

01:54:18.000 There's a lot of that.

01:54:18.000 It seems impossible.

01:54:19.000 A lot of espionage and fucking double-crossing online.

01:54:22.000 For sure, a lot of positive comments as well by paid shills.

01:54:26.000 You know, people accuse the UFC of doing that all the time on the underground.

01:54:30.000 People are saying, how many of you guys are paid UFC shills?

01:54:33.000 As far as I know, there are none, but there might be.

01:54:35.000 I might just not know about them.

01:54:37.000 It might very well be that they hire people to get online.

01:54:40.000 I mean, it's effective marketing if you think about it.

01:54:43.000 You get online, you hype up a fight, you start talking, you instigate comments.

01:54:47.000 Do you think that Shane would have been knocked out by Brett Rogers?

01:54:53.000 I don't think it's that.

01:54:54.000 Brock Lesnar would have been knocked out by Brett Rogers.

01:54:57.000 Sometimes it is.

01:54:58.000 I know it is.

01:54:59.000 I know in the Pride days they used to do that.

01:55:02.000 There's just a lot of people also, that's all they think.

01:55:04.000 Yes, that is true.

01:55:06.000 But as far as putting together threads and pushing positive threads and talking about how excited you are for something, it's a good move.

01:55:17.000 It's a smart move.

01:55:18.000 If you get a good thread together… Half of Amazon's reviews are that.

01:55:21.000 Yeah.

01:55:22.000 Well, I pay attention to Amazon's reviews.

01:55:24.000 Half of it could be total bullshit.

01:55:26.000 Yeah.

01:55:26.000 I even try to read it to say, okay, does this sound like something like a publicist made or the company made?

01:55:31.000 No one can stop you from doing that.

01:55:33.000 You could review the shit out of your own stuff.

01:55:35.000 I've never done that with anything I've ever done.

01:55:38.000 I've never done that.

01:55:39.000 But I was pleasantly surprised at how many cool fucking comments I got on the iTunes thing.

01:55:46.000 I thought when I was going over the podcast, I'm like, there's going to be a bunch of douchebags that don't want to hear us...

01:55:51.000 This is kind of a free-form podcast.

01:55:53.000 A lot of times we talk about the same subjects we've talked about before, but they're relevant to the current conversation.

01:55:58.000 I've got to assume that each one of these two-hour things is its own thing.

01:56:01.000 I try not to repeat things as much as possible.

01:56:03.000 And it's also just hard to remember what was 28 times 2. How many hours is that of trying to talk?

01:56:10.000 I also think that we get into subjects a lot deeper than you can if you're just doing an hour podcast.

01:56:15.000 I like the hour podcast format, but I think there's something about really intense conversations.

01:56:20.000 We have these cool conversations.

01:56:22.000 You've got to let them take their fucking path.

01:56:25.000 Sometimes it's like, well, this is it.

01:56:27.000 We're just going to stop it now.

01:56:29.000 There's more shit to be talked about.

01:56:31.000 But so many fucking people who said...

01:56:35.000 You know, things on the iTunes were cool.

01:56:37.000 There's a bunch of complaints about the sound, which we did have problems with the sound, but we fixed all that shit.

01:56:42.000 And if you think it's too low, stop listening on your iPhone speakerphone.

01:56:46.000 It's low for everything.

01:56:47.000 Brian's very upset with this.

01:56:49.000 Well, some guys said how low it was, and so today I recorded myself going on like Adam Carolla's, you know, a couple of them, and then ours.

01:56:57.000 I think we got it now.

01:56:58.000 This is good now.

01:56:59.000 And I think this is the right way to do it too because I've heard things where people talk on lav mics and it's not quite as loud or clear.

01:57:06.000 The reason why radio stations use these kind of mics and stand-up comedy uses these kind of mics, this is the right shit to use.

01:57:12.000 So this is the way we're going to keep it.

01:57:14.000 As far as putting up this green screen, I kind of gave up on that shit.

01:57:18.000 I think it's distracting.

01:57:19.000 I might put up a banner or something.

01:57:22.000 Maybe put up a big flat screen and have a constantly changing logo.

01:57:27.000 You could put together some nutty video and it'd be playing in the background.

01:57:30.000 What do you think?

01:57:30.000 Is that a good move?

01:57:31.000 Just Joey Diaz on a toilet.

01:57:32.000 But I think I've given up on the idea of us being in space looking like a cable access show.

01:57:39.000 The Fleshlight is our only sponsor.

01:57:42.000 And like I said before, if it wasn't a sponsor, I would still tell you to use it.

01:57:47.000 It's awesome.

01:57:52.000 This weekend, I will be at the Ontario Improv Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Joey Diaz.

01:57:59.000 As we said, tickets are selling quick.

01:58:02.000 So if you want to come, the next time I'll be, if you're in LA and you want to go somewhere closer, I'm at the Universal City.

01:58:11.000 John Lovitz has a comedy club up there.

01:58:12.000 The John Lovitz Comedy Club.

01:58:14.000 And that's next Saturday.

01:58:17.000 It's like the 17th or some shit?

01:58:18.000 Something like that.

01:58:19.000 Two shows.

01:58:20.000 Next Saturday, two shows.

01:58:21.000 I've never been there before.

01:58:22.000 I heard it's good.

01:58:23.000 And John Lovitz is a nice guy.

01:58:24.000 I like that guy.

01:58:25.000 Love that shopping center.

01:58:26.000 Or that whole Universal place.

01:58:28.000 I love that place.

01:58:29.000 Yeah, that's a cool place.

01:58:30.000 It's like being at Disney World.

01:58:31.000 So that's it, ladies and gentlemen, for this week.

01:58:34.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

01:58:35.000 We appreciate the fuck out of it, as always.

01:58:37.000 And much respect.

01:58:39.000 Much love.

01:58:40.000 And we will see you all next week.

01:58:43.000 Same bad time.

01:58:44.000 This is not even the same time it was next week.

01:58:47.000 We're going to keep doing it, though.

01:58:48.000 We will not stop.

01:58:49.000 We will not end.

01:58:49.000 And we do this all because of your support and because of the fact that you guys are enjoying it.

01:58:53.000 And I appreciate the fuck out of it.

01:58:54.000 Thank you very much.

The Joe Rogan Experience - July 06, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #29 - Brian Redban

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