The Joe Rogan Experience - January 06, 2010


Joe Rogan Experience #3 - Ari Shaffir

Topics
technical difficulties Hellboy 3 stand-up comedy moments Conveyor of Love reality show Cheaters Get Stabbed cheaters Joey Greco stabbed Team America movie Fear Factor salvia warning track around the cage Larry the Cable Guy football games internet radio show
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ari Shaffir
Mentioned
Brian Holtzman Oprah Winfrey Joey Kuykenstein Brett Hillary Clinton Lady Gaga Larry Sarah Jessica Parker Duncan Trussell Joey Greco Kramer Dude Hey Joe Rogan Bobby Goldstein Brody Stevens John Daniel Davidson Mitch Hedberg Barack Obama Sam Kinison Ari Shafir and 130 more
JRE MMA Show #2 (Audio Only) Joe Rogan Experience #4 - Brian Redban

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 14 minutes

Words per minute

201.87

Word count

27,232

Sentence count

3,656

Harmful content

Misogyny

223

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,283

sentences flagged

Hate speech

127

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of the Joe Rogan Podcast, the boys talk about the problems they have with their new tomahawk pipe and how they are going to fix it. They also talk about how they're going to get rid of the old computer and how it's going to be better than the new one they have now. Also, they talk about what they're doing to their new computers and other cool shit they're getting rid of. Joe also talks about his new laptop and how he's fixing his old one too. This episode was recorded at his mom's house and we recorded it at his house so it's a little bit different than the last time we recorded at her house, but it's not a bad one at all. Enjoy! -Joe Rogan and the boys Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. We do not own the rights to either of these songs, credit goes to the original artists. If you like them, please leave us a review and tell us what you think about them on Apple Podcasts. We'll be sure to include them in the next episode. Thank you so much for all the love and support! -The Joe Rogans Podcast. -Your Hosts: , & . and . . and . & . And thanks for listening to the show. and all the support we've gotten so far this week, we've got some amazing reviews and reviews from you, it's been really helpful. , we really appreciate it, we really helped us out there's and we appreciate it. Thank you guys, it means a lot, we're looking forward to all of the support us, so much, we can't thank you, we appreciate all of you, Thank you, Joe, and we'll keep on coming back next week! Thank You, Joe and Thank you for all of our support, Joe & Chad and Joe and Chad and Chad, and all of your support is so much love, Thank You. XOXO. Thanks, Chad and Brian, Thankyou, Chad, Chad & Brian, and Joe, too, and the rest of the boys. -- Joe and the Crew. Brian and the crew at the Rogans, Chad and the gang. :D - ( )

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:03.000 Bam! 0.98
00:00:03.000 Is that it? 0.98
00:00:04.000 Can you people hear us?
00:00:07.000 Are we up and cracking?
00:00:08.000 We had sound for a second there.
00:00:09.000 Oh, we did have sound.
00:00:11.000 It just didn't show it in the window.
00:00:13.000 Hmm.
00:00:14.000 Okay.
00:00:15.000 We have sound now? 1.00
00:00:18.000 Come on, you dirty bitches. 1.00
00:00:21.000 Jump over to the chat. 1.00
00:00:21.000 They'll tell you right up immediately. 1.00
00:00:22.000 I don't want to look at the chat. 1.00
00:00:24.000 These faggots. 1.00
00:00:25.000 They're all living in there. 1.00
00:00:27.000 It's Chad's gay. 1.00
00:00:35.000 I heard you for two seconds just now. 0.85
00:00:37.000 Yes, okay.
00:00:38.000 It's working.
00:00:40.000 Excellent.
00:00:40.000 So I should close out of this, right?
00:00:42.000 Otherwise it won't work.
00:00:44.000 I'll tell the Twitter people last time.
00:00:56.000 This thing, because it already adds Hey Joe Rogan.
00:00:59.000 See?
00:01:00.000 Hi, everybody.
00:01:01.000 Welcome to the Joe Rogan Podcast.
00:01:02.000 Hi!
00:01:07.000 Where's that tomahawk?
00:01:08.000 Trying to figure out technical difficulties. 0.99
00:01:12.000 Brian shoved that tomahawk pipe up his ass and we gotta get it out. 0.99
00:01:15.000 So we got our tomahawk pipe that we were gonna order last week. 0.99
00:01:19.000 You said a peace pipe.
00:01:20.000 What is a peace pipe? 1.00
00:01:21.000 It's a fucking battle ass. 1.00
00:01:23.000 Peace or war. 1.00
00:01:24.000 Your choice, bitch. 1.00
00:01:26.000 That's how the Indians roll. 1.00
00:01:29.000 I don't think it's probably the best pipe. 1.00
00:01:33.000 It looks like a piece of shit. 1.00
00:01:34.000 It's already clogged. 1.00
00:01:36.000 It comes clogged now.
00:01:40.000 Looks cool though.
00:01:41.000 But we got a real one right here. 1.00
00:01:44.000 So why fuck around, bitches? 1.00
00:01:46.000 And since all three of us are legal, we're legally medicating here. 1.00
00:01:53.000 See, what you're looking at is three sick people.
00:01:55.000 R, you get headaches?
00:01:56.000 Is that what you get?
00:01:57.000 I get headaches and I have sleeplessness.
00:01:59.000 Sleeplessness and headaches from Mr. Shafir. 0.95
00:02:02.000 No, I didn't tell him headaches.
00:02:03.000 I said sleeplessness and I said I had surgery the year before.
00:02:05.000 That's all true.
00:02:06.000 Yeah.
00:02:07.000 I get really bad anxiety, but the rest of the sentence is when I smoke weed.
00:02:13.000 But he still gets me.
00:02:18.000 Alright.
00:02:19.000 We're up and cracking, people.
00:02:22.000 Is that bad like the old days?
00:02:24.000 That was given to me.
00:02:26.000 Oh, really?
00:02:28.000 I was like, there's no other reason. 1.00
00:02:30.000 So, I should kill his gay music, huh? 1.00
00:02:33.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:02:36.000 It's not really gay.
00:02:37.000 It's just not really good. 0.99
00:02:39.000 It's created by and for homosexuals. 1.00
00:02:41.000 What? 0.96
00:02:43.000 It doesn't fit with the vibe of what we're trying to flow here. 0.97
00:02:51.000 You guys are liars and it's completely cool. 0.97
00:02:54.000 What do we lie about, fella? 0.99
00:02:56.000 Oh, about our prescriptions?
00:02:58.000 No, we didn't.
00:03:00.000 It helps me sleep, one.
00:03:02.000 Don't be wrong.
00:03:02.000 It gives me anxiety.
00:03:03.000 And I had surgery before.
00:03:05.000 And it did, uh, it is legal.
00:03:10.000 Brian, if you had to guess, either everyone's watching you or no one's watching you, what would you say?
00:03:16.000 Everybody.
00:03:17.000 Yeah.
00:03:17.000 Right now, it feels like everybody's watching me.
00:03:19.000 Because you're paranoid?
00:03:20.000 Yeah.
00:03:21.000 He gets paranoid when he smokes the weed.
00:03:23.000 But that's what I told the doctor and he still gave it to me.
00:03:26.000 Is everybody in here?
00:03:27.000 Here we go.
00:03:27.000 Everybody's in here.
00:03:28.000 Oh, you need to unpack that.
00:03:30.000 This one? 0.97
00:03:31.000 Yeah, this one's fucked us up. 0.99
00:03:32.000 I got some weak-ass, wack-ass DSL internet, but I got new internet installed. 0.98
00:03:40.000 I just have to install a new router. 0.93
00:03:43.000 And then, from there, we'll be able to upload videos.
00:03:46.000 We'll be able to...
00:03:47.000 I'm going to change this background, and I'll bring a couch in here.
00:03:51.000 And get rid of this desk and put a new desk in. 0.61
00:03:53.000 And so I only have one desk.
00:03:54.000 I got this big-ass long desk.
00:03:56.000 This room's all clocked up.
00:03:57.000 So I'm gonna put a couch in here.
00:03:59.000 Have a little table right there.
00:04:01.000 So we have the microphone set up there so we can lounge and do this properly, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99
00:04:07.000 Check this shit out. 0.99
00:04:08.000 I just got in... 1.00
00:04:08.000 This is awful. 1.00
00:04:09.000 Imagine having to deal with this.
00:04:10.000 My mom has a Windows XP computer that's like seven years old.
00:04:14.000 And she only has 56k internet available at her house.
00:04:18.000 Really?
00:04:18.000 I'm trying to help her fix a computer from a virus and she can only connect at 56k.
00:04:24.000 Oh my god. 0.99
00:04:25.000 I read a lot of shit that won't even run. 1.00
00:04:27.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:04:28.000 Old people and viruses, man, you should just shoot that computer. 0.99
00:04:31.000 There's no way you're going to fix it. 0.99
00:04:32.000 But can you imagine only getting 56k?
00:04:34.000 No, I can't.
00:04:36.000 I did for a long time. 0.99
00:04:37.000 Shit, I started out with 14.4. 0.99
00:04:39.000 I started out with AOL on an old-ass Mac, one of those tan ones, the beige ones. 0.99
00:04:46.000 And it had a 14.4 baud internet connection. 0.99
00:04:50.000 God, remember how brutal that shit was? 0.99
00:04:52.000 Remember when 33.6 came out? 1.00
00:04:54.000 You were like, I'm a motherfucker! 0.99
00:04:56.000 Everybody got 56k, and I was like, man, I can't believe it. 1.00
00:04:59.000 That's like five times as fast.
00:05:01.000 I remember paying like $120 for a 56k modem back in the day, and that was like so much money, and it was just like, oh, finally.
00:05:07.000 So much better than how it started.
00:05:09.000 It was even worse.
00:05:09.000 You get online, you gotta tell people, hey, I'm online, who wants to use it when I'm done?
00:05:13.000 Yeah.
00:05:13.000 Before I get off.
00:05:14.000 Yeah, you couldn't use the goddamn phone. 0.99
00:05:16.000 No. 1.00
00:05:17.000 That's craziness, man.
00:05:19.000 Well, now that's that AT&T U-verse thing.
00:05:22.000 If the internet goes down, everything's down.
00:05:24.000 If the TV's down, then your phone's down.
00:05:28.000 Files.
00:05:30.000 Everything's down. 0.99
00:05:30.000 How would you masturbate? 0.99
00:05:32.000 How would you masturbate? 0.99
00:05:33.000 You've got to go by memory. 0.99
00:05:35.000 Those are your three things. 0.98
00:05:36.000 When was the last time you masturbated by memory? 0.99
00:05:38.000 Shower, I do all the time. 1.00
00:05:39.000 Wow, look at you, you sexy bitch. 1.00
00:05:41.000 Do you think cavemen had to draw what they wanted to masturbate to first? 1.00
00:05:44.000 Like, I don't know. 1.00
00:05:46.000 I think cavemen just raped and fucked. 1.00
00:05:48.000 I don't think they bothered masturbating. 1.00
00:05:51.000 Masturbation is a byproduct of civilization. 1.00
00:05:53.000 If we weren't civilized, we'd be raping like a motherfucker. 1.00
00:05:56.000 There'd be no masturbating. 1.00
00:05:58.000 You'd just find someone you wanted to fuck. 1.00
00:05:59.000 And there would be no gay. 1.00
00:06:00.000 Yeah, there'd be no gay. 1.00
00:06:01.000 You'd just rape your brother and shit. 1.00
00:06:02.000 You'd be raping everybody. 1.00
00:06:03.000 Yeah, there would be no masturbation if there was cavemen, right? 0.99
00:06:07.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:06:09.000 I think rape takes a lot more work. 1.00
00:06:11.000 Same as now when you have a girlfriend. 0.83
00:06:12.000 Not with old people. 1.00
00:06:13.000 Old people just get raped all day. 1.00
00:06:15.000 Yeah, that's a good point. 1.00
00:06:16.000 Everybody would be waiting in line to rape the next old person. 1.00
00:06:19.000 When you didn't have a language and couldn't say, hey, fucking stop. 0.99
00:06:22.000 You couldn't fight someone off back in those days? 0.99
00:06:25.000 No, no rape.
00:06:26.000 It was just rape. 1.00
00:06:27.000 If you couldn't, like, reason with people and say, listen, when you're raping me, you're hurting me. 0.97
00:06:31.000 I know it feels good temporarily, but there's other solutions.
00:06:34.000 You can't talk someone out of rape when there's no language.
00:06:37.000 Right? 1.00
00:06:38.000 They just attack your ass. 1.00
00:06:42.000 I mean, that's logic, right? 1.00
00:06:43.000 Do you think a girl that's in a coma is just like a robot fuck doll? 1.00
00:06:47.000 No, she didn't do anything. 1.00
00:06:49.000 No, that's rude, man.
00:06:50.000 That's not a doll, it's a person.
00:06:52.000 She's never gonna come out of the coma, though.
00:06:54.000 So what, man?
00:06:56.000 But she's still a human being.
00:06:58.000 Is she?
00:06:59.000 I don't know.
00:07:00.000 But here's the thing about comas.
00:07:02.000 Haven't you ever seen, like, one of those interviews where someone was in a coma for, like, seven years, and then, for whatever reason, the guy just woke up, and he said he was awake the whole time?
00:07:10.000 Wouldn't that be awful? 0.99
00:07:11.000 Fuck that. 1.00
00:07:12.000 Yeah, I want him to know. 1.00
00:07:13.000 Fuck that, man. 1.00
00:07:14.000 Get webcast tips from Anthony Cumia. 1.00
00:07:17.000 That's a very good idea.
00:07:18.000 Next time I go on ONA, we're definitely going to do that. 0.99
00:07:21.000 We're going to find out what the fuck is up. 0.98
00:07:22.000 Oh yeah, he has a great one from his compound. 0.99
00:07:25.000 Dude, his is sweet.
00:07:26.000 Once you get your internet hooked up, it's all I'm waiting for. 0.98
00:07:30.000 I just bring a laptop over here and this shit will be changed in a second. 0.98
00:07:33.000 It's going to go off. 0.98
00:07:34.000 I've been just waiting for the internet upgrade.
00:07:36.000 I think this is a good thing to commit to.
00:07:38.000 This is the 2010 commitment.
00:07:40.000 We're going to do this every week.
00:07:41.000 So easy. 1.00
00:07:42.000 Just hop on and fuck around and everybody enjoys it. 1.00
00:07:47.000 Does Anthony have guests? 1.00
00:07:49.000 He's got everything, man.
00:07:50.000 He's got guests.
00:07:51.000 He's got these cameras that are real studio quality cameras.
00:07:55.000 He's got real radio station microphones.
00:07:58.000 He's got everything.
00:07:59.000 He's got a background green screen.
00:08:00.000 So he changes it and makes it like buildings.
00:08:03.000 Dude, that's what we need. 0.98
00:08:05.000 This back wall needs to be a fucking green screen. 0.98
00:08:08.000 We need to put space behind it. 0.99
00:08:10.000 No, like that rollercoaster effect.
00:08:12.000 How hard would that be?
00:08:13.000 That wouldn't be hard, right?
00:08:13.000 Dude, I have a sheet.
00:08:15.000 I can bring a sheet over.
00:08:16.000 Oh, that's gonna happen right there.
00:08:17.000 The one we got right now!
00:08:20.000 Well, the cable's installed.
00:08:21.000 I just need to change the router.
00:08:23.000 Can you take a picture of this and green screen the exact same background behind us?
00:08:27.000 Oh, that would be so dope. 0.53
00:08:27.000 So we can pull cables. 0.53
00:08:29.000 You know what would be cool?
00:08:30.000 As if we added like two mirrors looking into each other where they look infinitely different.
00:08:34.000 Yeah, that would be cool.
00:08:35.000 Did you see that video I posted today on your message board under I can't wait till my cell phone does this?
00:08:41.000 No, what is it?
00:08:42.000 There's a video on Joe's message board.
00:08:45.000 It's under the topic called I can't wait till my cell phone does this.
00:08:49.000 And it's this company that does special effects so that you can pretty much, and it shows like all their samples, and it's just like backgrounds of buildings that you'd never think was a green screen.
00:09:00.000 And it just shows you like the scenes first and then it shows how they're just, yeah, it's amazing.
00:09:04.000 Could you imagine if you could do that with your phone?
00:09:06.000 If you could like put your phone down and change what you're looking at?
00:09:10.000 You know, that's what's going to happen eventually.
00:09:12.000 When they figure out how to broadcast images and make them look real like it's right in front of you, like not just on a screen, but an actual hologram that looks real right in front of you. 0.99
00:09:23.000 God damn! 0.95
00:09:24.000 Could you imagine when your TV becomes something that you just... 0.99
00:09:28.000 Place in the middle of your living room, you put it down, you turn it on, and the image just comes out of it. 0.99
00:09:33.000 Yeah, man, like old school Princess Leia type shit. 0.97
00:09:37.000 But, like, you can't tell the difference, though. 0.99
00:09:39.000 You know what I mean? 0.99
00:09:40.000 Fuck, how intense would that be? 0.99
00:09:41.000 It'll start off like VHS quality, where you're like, I can kind of tell the difference. 1.00
00:09:44.000 It's all staticky.
00:09:46.000 It's gonna happen.
00:09:46.000 3D television was the big thing at the...
00:09:49.000 Fuck wearing 3D glasses though. 0.99
00:09:51.000 No, except one of them has one where you don't have to. 1.00
00:09:54.000 Well, I didn't see the Avatar in 3D. I saw it in regular.
00:09:57.000 And even in regular, holy fucking shit, that movie's good. 0.99
00:10:01.000 It's not like a good movie, like really great writing, and you can't believe they weren't there. 0.99
00:10:05.000 You see everything coming a mile away, and you don't care.
00:10:08.000 I'm probably going to see it this week, but I just feel like I'll leave going like, eh, it's alright.
00:10:13.000 No, you're not going to say it's alright. 0.96
00:10:15.000 If you get super baked, you're going to love the fuck out of that movie. 0.64
00:10:18.000 Did you see it yet? 0.97
00:10:20.000 No, neither has yet.
00:10:21.000 These guys haven't seen it.
00:10:23.000 I see through storylines too easily.
00:10:24.000 It's hilarious.
00:10:25.000 These guys are both nerds.
00:10:26.000 Why would he do that?
00:10:27.000 You're going to see through the storyline, but it's not going to matter.
00:10:32.000 But it's not for that.
00:10:33.000 It's a comic book, man. 1.00
00:10:34.000 It's bullshit. 1.00
00:10:36.000 It's just entertainment. 1.00
00:10:37.000 Just pretend like you're 15 again. 1.00
00:10:39.000 And you're just watching some stupid Batman movie. 1.00
00:10:41.000 That's fine. 1.00
00:10:42.000 Oh my god, is there good action. 0.99
00:10:44.000 Jesus fucking Christ, bro. 0.99
00:10:46.000 I didn't want to tell you about it because I don't want to ruin it. 0.99
00:10:48.000 I don't want to be the person who fucking spoiled it. 0.98
00:10:51.000 I don't mind dumb spy movies or shit like that or just action movies. 1.00
00:10:54.000 Fuck a spy movie. 1.00
00:10:56.000 This thing's off the charts. 1.00
00:10:57.000 And I didn't even see it in 3D. Apparently in 3D, it's insane.
00:11:01.000 Mike Black said that 3D is a must.
00:11:03.000 He sees movies more than anybody, but IMAX is not necessary.
00:11:06.000 He said you have to go 3D, but not IMAX. You can take it or leave it.
00:11:09.000 He's probably seen it ten times already, right?
00:11:11.000 He's seen it a few times.
00:11:12.000 Mike Black, if you talk to him on a Tuesday and say, want to see a movie?
00:11:15.000 He's already seen everything.
00:11:16.000 Jesus.
00:11:17.000 Yeah.
00:11:18.000 Every week.
00:11:19.000 He just goes every week.
00:11:20.000 He always gets that midnight show.
00:11:23.000 I love movies when they're good.
00:11:25.000 Avatar was a great experience.
00:11:27.000 I believe there's something about seeing a movie in front of a bunch of people too.
00:11:31.000 It's a totally different experience.
00:11:32.000 Watching a movie by yourself.
00:11:34.000 Sometimes. 0.99
00:11:35.000 When it's a shitty movie then you're just watching a shitty movie with a bunch of people and it sucks even more. 0.98
00:11:40.000 We also had Hellboy 3. And we still walked out. 0.97
00:11:45.000 That was terrible. 1.00
00:11:47.000 That movie was so dumb. 1.00
00:11:49.000 There's people that love it. 1.00
00:11:50.000 I know, but I think they're Hellboy fans.
00:11:52.000 They're fans of the comic book first. 0.74
00:11:54.000 And that's what we fucked up on. 0.94
00:11:55.000 We didn't know what was going on. 0.98
00:11:56.000 I couldn't get high enough.
00:11:58.000 No, it's the responsibility of the movie.
00:12:00.000 To make you understand, even if you're not a fan.
00:12:03.000 Yes, but that happens in those big story things like Harry Potter.
00:12:09.000 I saw the last Harry Potter.
00:12:10.000 It was death.
00:12:12.000 I couldn't wait for it to be over.
00:12:15.000 It was like being in jail.
00:12:17.000 It was terrible.
00:12:18.000 It wasn't even remotely entertaining.
00:12:20.000 There was nothing entertaining about it.
00:12:21.000 I saw one Harry Potter that was pretty good.
00:12:23.000 Yeah, the first one was really good.
00:12:24.000 The first couple were good.
00:12:25.000 Where they had that broomball thing? 1.00
00:12:27.000 Yeah, that was fucking dope. 1.00
00:12:29.000 Tree monster. 1.00
00:12:30.000 One of the second ones, I think, was when the dragon was coming after him.
00:12:34.000 Was that the second one?
00:12:35.000 I think that was...
00:12:36.000 No, I think that was the third one.
00:12:38.000 That's the one with the tree.
00:12:39.000 That dragon scene was worth the whole movie to me. 0.98
00:12:42.000 Everybody talked about how the Hulk sucked. 0.99
00:12:44.000 That Hulk totally sucked. 1.00
00:12:46.000 But when he's fucking shit up, man, it's worth it. 1.00
00:12:49.000 No, no, it's good. 1.00
00:12:51.000 All the new Marvel movies have been pretty good. 0.98
00:12:53.000 The Iron Man was fucking insane. 0.97
00:12:54.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:12:55.000 The new one looks even crazier, man. 1.00
00:12:57.000 That's gonna be the shit. 0.99
00:12:58.000 I need a good story along with the action. 0.99
00:12:59.000 I couldn't watch Wolverine, man.
00:13:01.000 The last Wolverine was terrible.
00:13:02.000 I'm sure the action was just as good as some other stuff, but it's like...
00:13:05.000 It wasn't, though.
00:13:06.000 If there's nothing gripping you, it doesn't...
00:13:07.000 It's too predictable.
00:13:09.000 Really?
00:13:10.000 Like, there's the scene where the gasoline's running away from the car, and he's walking away, and he lights the gasoline, and the car blows up behind him. 0.99
00:13:17.000 How many fucking times can you see that one? 1.00
00:13:20.000 That fucking scene is so weak. 1.00
00:13:22.000 And they don't even look. 1.00
00:13:22.000 Exactly! 1.00
00:13:24.000 Exactly!
00:13:24.000 Exactly what he did.
00:13:25.000 And then when it blows up, it just keeps walking. 1.00
00:13:26.000 Yeah, it's so stupid. 1.00
00:13:28.000 So, like, I'm a badass. 1.00
00:13:30.000 You know?
00:13:30.000 You gotta come up with a new way to be...
00:13:32.000 The new badass isn't, like, some guy who's, like, snarling.
00:13:36.000 The new badass is a guy like Fedor. 0.99
00:13:38.000 It doesn't say shit. 0.99
00:13:39.000 There's no image. 0.93
00:13:41.000 I would do it and try to be cool and light it and start to walk away, but then I'd start to assume it's gonna happen, so I start going like that.
00:13:46.000 And then I'm like, wait, what's happening?
00:13:47.000 And then I'm gonna blow up.
00:13:48.000 Not only that, you gotta look out for shrapnel. 1.00
00:13:50.000 What are you, stupid? 1.00
00:13:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:13:51.000 How can you assume it's not going to hit you? 1.00
00:13:53.000 It's going to fuck blow up back there. 1.00
00:13:54.000 It's going to come flying at you, man. 1.00
00:13:56.000 I don't think my trail is so long and around a building.
00:13:59.000 Yeah, I would run like a...
00:14:00.000 Still pay a bum to light it. 0.99
00:14:02.000 I would still want to see it.
00:14:03.000 Yeah, pay a bum to light it. 0.99
00:14:04.000 That's the move.
00:14:05.000 See, look, I'm pretty sure in the movies...
00:14:07.000 What was the last time anybody died doing that in the movies?
00:14:10.000 Never.
00:14:10.000 You could talk some sense to them.
00:14:11.000 He'd be like, yep, yep, yep.
00:14:13.000 That'd be a great idea to do a movie.
00:14:14.000 Have a guy.
00:14:19.000 That would be crazy.
00:14:20.000 I've talked to you guys about this before.
00:14:22.000 Wouldn't it be awesome to have a job to watch a movie and just your whole job was just going, alright, I totally wouldn't do that.
00:14:28.000 I wouldn't keep my keys on the dashboard while I'm at McDonald's.
00:14:33.000 You know, or something like that.
00:14:34.000 Right.
00:14:35.000 Because it seems like there's so many movies you're into and then you're like, oh, what? 0.99
00:14:38.000 That's so gay. 1.00
00:14:39.000 It seems like they could be true. 0.97
00:14:41.000 Yes.
00:14:42.000 Professional Hollywood nitpickers.
00:14:43.000 Yes!
00:14:44.000 You should start an agency.
00:14:46.000 They have that thing where people go to see TV shows.
00:14:51.000 They probably have that already, and it's like the gaffer.
00:14:54.000 But we just never knew what the gaffer was.
00:14:56.000 If you're bugging one person, you're probably bugging a whole bunch of people.
00:14:59.000 Yeah, totally.
00:15:00.000 And people just deal with it.
00:15:02.000 It's like girls that won't tell you that your breath stinks. 1.00
00:15:04.000 But the more you have to do that, the more it takes you out of the movie.
00:15:07.000 Totally, yeah.
00:15:08.000 Well, there's some scenes like that in Avatar, definitely.
00:15:10.000 There's a couple of scenes like that.
00:15:12.000 You didn't have to do it.
00:15:13.000 There was a few cliches that were so extreme.
00:15:17.000 It was almost like it wasn't even a movie.
00:15:19.000 This is how clunky some of the acting was.
00:15:22.000 Even Sigourney Weaver was so clunky.
00:15:24.000 It wasn't like it was a movie.
00:15:26.000 It was like, you know how you go to Universal Studios and you go on a ride and before the ride you play that little video?
00:15:32.000 It was like that.
00:15:33.000 Oh, really?
00:15:33.000 Yeah.
00:15:33.000 And you're like, ugh, what?
00:15:34.000 And then you're like, okay, go back in.
00:15:35.000 But you're not fully back in.
00:15:37.000 You've got to come out and...
00:15:38.000 The cliches were just so off the charts.
00:15:40.000 They did it in Zombieland.
00:15:41.000 It was pretty good, but the chicks had a line at the end. 1.00
00:15:44.000 It was almost like you had me at hello.
00:15:46.000 And you're like, what are you doing?
00:15:48.000 And all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, I'm watching a movie.
00:15:50.000 Yeah, but isn't that what that whole movie was kind of about?
00:15:53.000 Cheesy humor mixed with zombies and stuff?
00:15:55.000 This is what I want to know.
00:15:56.000 Is there a single human being...
00:15:58.000 That wasn't humor. 0.98
00:15:58.000 Is there a single human being that saw the ads for that fucking, let me tell you about the Morgans, you know, the movie with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant, the new one that's out now, something about the Morgans? 0.98
00:16:09.000 Is there a fucking single human who saw that ad and went, fuck yeah! 1.00
00:16:14.000 Yeah, there had to be. 1.00
00:16:15.000 Is there?
00:16:15.000 I'm sure there's huge Sarah Jessica Parker fans.
00:16:17.000 Yeah, but even a huge Sarah Jessica Parker fan doesn't give a fuck about Hugh Grant. 0.97
00:16:23.000 You know? 0.96
00:16:24.000 There's gotta be somebody. 1.00
00:16:25.000 Who was coked out of their mind when they greenlit that fucking movie? 1.00
00:16:28.000 I think we got a winner here. 1.00
00:16:30.000 We got Hugh Grant and we got Sarah Jessica Parker.
00:16:32.000 And then someone pulls the guy aside.
00:16:33.000 Yeah, but it's 2010. It must suck, too, if you're a screenwriter. 0.90
00:16:37.000 It's not a 1990. Yeah, you're like, I'm thinking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. 0.97
00:16:40.000 It's like, awesome!
00:16:41.000 And then the studio comes back and he's like, hey, instead of that, we're going with these guys.
00:16:44.000 We want to keep it a little low-budget.
00:16:45.000 You'd be like, no, no!
00:16:46.000 Why would you...
00:16:48.000 Well, they're committed.
00:16:49.000 They have two projects going right now.
00:16:51.000 It'll be at least a year and a half.
00:16:53.000 This script is so good.
00:16:54.000 We don't need stars.
00:16:56.000 We don't need beauty.
00:16:57.000 We don't need talent.
00:16:59.000 Your script is so good. 1.00
00:17:01.000 We want a guy that got arrested for getting blown by black hookers. 1.00
00:17:05.000 Remember that? 1.00
00:17:06.000 Disgusting ones.
00:17:07.000 Ruined his career, sort of, but not really, right? 0.59
00:17:09.000 He kind of came back after that.
00:17:10.000 They all come back.
00:17:12.000 You know, you could get busted doing something like that if you're an actor, and for some reason, it's okay.
00:17:17.000 You gotta have projects in the works already.
00:17:18.000 They don't want to eat the money.
00:17:20.000 Yes.
00:17:20.000 Kramer didn't have anything in the works.
00:17:21.000 Yeah, if you've got projects in the works...
00:17:23.000 Well, he never had anything in the works. 1.00
00:17:24.000 He's a weird fuck. 0.99
00:17:25.000 Like, Mel Gibson had, like, three things coming. 1.00
00:17:27.000 So what are they gonna do?
00:17:27.000 Not show him?
00:17:28.000 Let's talk shit about Kramer. 0.99
00:17:29.000 Did you, uh... 0.99
00:17:30.000 Did you ever have to deal with him?
00:17:32.000 The Jews? 0.81
00:17:33.000 Did you ever have to deal with him at the commoner store?
00:17:35.000 Yeah, I saw him, uh, not in a bad way.
00:17:37.000 I saw him, um...
00:17:39.000 When he got there, I was like, oh cool, Kramer's here.
00:17:41.000 He just always felt like he wasn't really there.
00:17:43.000 Yeah, he wasn't.
00:17:44.000 But then you saw him on stage, like, oh, this isn't good.
00:17:46.000 And then people stopped being weirded out by him.
00:17:49.000 I called you that night before it happened.
00:17:51.000 I was like, dude, Kramer's here. 0.97
00:17:52.000 He's fucking like on crack or something. 1.00
00:17:54.000 He's with some crazy chick. 1.00
00:17:57.000 And like an hour later, that all happened.
00:17:59.000 It was either Brent Ernst or Maz Jobrani.
00:18:02.000 Was he the one who told us?
00:18:04.000 He came back from the laugh factory and told us.
00:18:06.000 He was like, Brent.
00:18:07.000 What is it?
00:18:08.000 Brett.
00:18:08.000 Brett.
00:18:09.000 B-R-E-T. Yeah, Brett.
00:18:10.000 That's what I was saying.
00:18:11.000 I thought you said Brett.
00:18:12.000 I thought you said Brett.
00:18:13.000 No, I said Brett.
00:18:14.000 You said Brett.
00:18:15.000 I said Brett. 0.98
00:18:16.000 Anyway, he came over and just told the dude Kramer went fucking crazy. 0.99
00:18:19.000 Started yelling nigger at people. 1.00
00:18:20.000 And we were like, what? 0.83
00:18:21.000 But we thought it was like another one of those things. 0.98
00:18:23.000 In the world of comedy, you always hear about some shit like, hey, were you here about what happened in the conversation last night? 1.00
00:18:28.000 Don Barris pulled his cock out and slapped some lady in the face with it. 1.00
00:18:31.000 You're like, shut the fuck up. 1.00
00:18:32.000 Yeah, she's suing, man. 1.00
00:18:33.000 It's getting crazy.
00:18:34.000 That's normal, trust?
00:18:35.000 Like, cool, I wish I would have been there.
00:18:37.000 I left like an hour before.
00:18:38.000 Yeah, you'd be pissed off. 0.98
00:18:39.000 That's one of the things about the old school comedy store is you never wanted to go home because you never knew what the fuck was going to happen. 0.99
00:18:44.000 I made the mistake of thinking a show was over where a guy was miming out being broken up with by a porn star as she started fondling and touching her boyfriend that was there. 0.97
00:18:52.000 And he was like, please, Pete Carbone, please take me back.
00:18:55.000 I can change.
00:18:56.000 And then they got on stage and I thought it was done.
00:18:58.000 I was like, ah, that was a great night.
00:18:59.000 I left. 1.00
00:19:00.000 Later, the porn star was fucking her boyfriend. 1.00
00:19:03.000 Right to the side of the stage. 1.00
00:19:04.000 While everybody was watching.
00:19:06.000 Yeah.
00:19:06.000 While embarrassed on stage.
00:19:08.000 Crazy goddamn bitch. 1.00
00:19:08.000 And I'm like, why would I have gone home? 1.00
00:19:10.000 It just seemed like it was all wrapped up. 0.99
00:19:12.000 That shit will happen all the time at the comic store. 0.99
00:19:14.000 You never know what you're going to see there. 1.00
00:19:15.000 A lot of penis. 1.00
00:19:16.000 A lot of penis at the comedy store. 1.00
00:19:18.000 It seems like everyone wants to show you their dick. 1.00
00:19:21.000 Why do comedy comics like that so much? 0.99
00:19:22.000 It's so funny.
00:19:23.000 Because it's funny. 0.99
00:19:24.000 Lip dick is hilarious. 1.00
00:19:25.000 You lip dick with your ball sacks. 1.00
00:19:28.000 Flaccid gross penises. 1.00
00:19:30.000 It's something else. 1.00
00:19:31.000 What was the chick's name that was on stage where Joey was in the back of the room at the original room and he came out and kept pulling his balls out and she thought she was killing? 1.00
00:19:38.000 He would come out. 0.99
00:19:39.000 She was terrible.
00:19:40.000 She was a terrible comedian. 1.00
00:19:42.000 Christine.
00:19:43.000 I forget what her name.
00:19:44.000 No, no, no.
00:19:45.000 Anyway, whatever the chick's name was. 1.00
00:19:47.000 She's on stage and she's one of those lifers that had been doing comedy like 20 plus years but had never made a living out of it.
00:19:53.000 The comedy store kind of kept those people around.
00:19:56.000 Whereas those people, the really crazy people that are not really in the world of comedy but they're sort of in the world of comedy, they don't get up at the improv.
00:20:04.000 But at the store, those people would get up on a regular basis.
00:20:07.000 And they really want their stage time.
00:20:08.000 And they want to run through their jokes.
00:20:09.000 And you want to see them and panic when you see them on the line up because you thought they would clear the room out.
00:20:13.000 They would.
00:20:14.000 They usually will. 1.00
00:20:14.000 Clear that fucking room. 1.00
00:20:16.000 8 times out of 10. Yeah, and so anyway, so she's on stage and every time she goes near Bucks, like we've all seen her act a million times, Joey Diaz is behind her. 0.99
00:20:25.000 The way the original room worked, you could actually sneak up on somebody while they're on stage, open up the curtain, grab them and pull them into the darkness.
00:20:33.000 There's a curtain right there.
00:20:34.000 And you could fully stand back there.
00:20:35.000 Plenty of room.
00:20:36.000 Plenty of room.
00:20:37.000 You got like this much room. 0.99
00:20:39.000 So Joey goes back there, takes all his fucking clothes off, and every time she hits the punchline, he pulls open the curtain and starts shaking his balls, and his big giant grapefruit balls are slapping around, and then he would close it back up. 0.99
00:20:52.000 And she didn't see shit. 1.00
00:20:54.000 She thought she was slaying. 1.00
00:20:56.000 She thought she was slaying.
00:20:57.000 She was like, oh, you guys like that one?
00:21:00.000 She was all jolly and happy.
00:21:02.000 All of a sudden she figured comedy out.
00:21:04.000 Like, yes, my hard work has come to fruition.
00:21:07.000 And when that happens to you, the whole back row fills up with comedians.
00:21:10.000 And the comedian that's on stage is like, oh cool, the comics are watching me. 0.99
00:21:15.000 We've seen so much crazy shit at that place. 0.99
00:21:18.000 The comedy store, the old school hangouts... 1.00
00:21:22.000 What was the best part about the Comedy Store?
00:21:23.000 The audiences were some of the worst ever.
00:21:25.000 Which is one of the reasons why you develop, like, like, people always say, like, you know, oh, you know, you're always dealing with hecklers, like, you know, what is that like?
00:21:34.000 Is that, is that freaking out?
00:21:36.000 Like, when you start out in the Comedy Store, dude, You have to deal with hecklers.
00:21:40.000 It's not every time, but it's like one out of five.
00:21:42.000 The only time they get rid of the guy is when violence is about to happen.
00:21:46.000 It gets to the point of violence.
00:21:47.000 People are standing up screaming at people.
00:21:49.000 You really need audience members to come to the booth to complain about a different audience member.
00:21:54.000 Yeah, you need people ready to stab people for them to do anything. 1.00
00:21:58.000 Otherwise, they wouldn't do shit. 0.99
00:21:59.000 So you develop that style, the style that you have and I have and Joey has, where you could just... 0.98
00:22:05.000 Flip around.
00:22:06.000 You don't say your act from beginning to end.
00:22:09.000 Like some people...
00:22:10.000 Especially like a lot of guys who start out in clubs like in New York, you get really short sets. 0.92
00:22:16.000 You know, you don't get to fuck around on stage for a half an hour or an hour. 0.70
00:22:20.000 You know, you don't get like those nice long sets. 0.97
00:22:22.000 And when you get those nice long sets, then you could put material where you want it and fuck around and be loose and it's got more of a flow to it.
00:22:30.000 Yeah, I was talking about this with people's showcase.
00:22:30.000 It's like you have to do some seven minute sets to get ready.
00:22:32.000 You don't have time to like, hey, what's up everybody?
00:22:34.000 You don't have time at all.
00:22:35.000 Go, go, go and get off.
00:22:36.000 Isn't it frustrating to you when you have to do a TV show and you have to do like 7 minutes? 1.00
00:22:40.000 You're like, shit. 0.99
00:22:41.000 There's not a lot of times. 1.00
00:22:41.000 A bit and a half, two bits. 1.00
00:22:42.000 And you don't know how to set it up.
00:22:44.000 It's like, yeah, this is a good bit, but it's really good after I've been talking for 10 minutes and you know my personality and you know where I'm coming from.
00:22:51.000 It's a different technique.
00:22:52.000 Yeah, it's totally different.
00:22:53.000 The people who do 7 minute sets only pretty much are better at that.
00:22:56.000 They more realize their potential than someone who's used to long sets and has to cut it down.
00:23:01.000 Yeah, you get used to what you can get away with because you can't really dig a hole.
00:23:04.000 And you really know your pacing better. 0.98
00:23:06.000 If you dig a hole in seven minutes, there's bits that I have where I know, like the baby blowjob bit, that's a possible hole. 0.98
00:23:13.000 Any time that someone can fall into that one. 0.97
00:23:15.000 You can't open and close with it. 1.00
00:23:16.000 You can't open with that fucking thing. 1.00
00:23:17.000 People will be like, what? 1.00
00:23:19.000 No, you can't talk about this yet.
00:23:20.000 I don't know how you think. 0.98
00:23:22.000 But if they know how you think, they know, oh, this guy's just being silly. 1.00
00:23:25.000 He's just fucking around. 1.00
00:23:26.000 He's a really nice guy. 0.99
00:23:27.000 He realizes this is all in fun.
00:23:29.000 We're just having a good time up here.
00:23:31.000 Then people will accept...
00:23:32.000 Craziness.
00:23:33.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:23:33.000 If they know it's all bullshit. 1.00
00:23:35.000 But if they don't know you, you can't just go on stage and you might have this killer brilliant bit, but you'll do the first opening line of it and they'll just start eating it right away and you're like, fuck. 1.00
00:23:44.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:23:45.000 It's like, wow, I have a window over here.
00:23:46.000 Now I got a hole.
00:23:47.000 I have a four minute hole I have to fill.
00:23:49.000 Just drop the bit right now. 1.00
00:23:50.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:23:51.000 I'm going to do something else. 1.00
00:23:52.000 Real comedy is in front of an audience.
00:23:55.000 Any comedy on television, even comedy like when I did my comedy special, I'm happy that people could get a hold of it, but it's really just an ad to get them to come see us.
00:24:04.000 It's a bastardized version of the real thing.
00:24:08.000 It's nice, it's got the material down, and you can see it without having to drive across the country to where...
00:24:13.000 Yeah, and people are like, well, what's the difference?
00:24:14.000 I can still see the jokes, I see exactly what they saw.
00:24:16.000 It's like, no, you don't, because then what you miss is the connection you try to make with an audience, and you weren't in that audience, and then you didn't feel that.
00:24:23.000 You didn't feel and hear the same things you heard.
00:24:25.000 That's a huge point right there, the connection.
00:24:28.000 People discount that.
00:24:29.000 It's not just the jokes that are written.
00:24:30.000 Yes.
00:24:31.000 You can't discount it.
00:24:33.000 There's a real thing that's happening with you in the audience.
00:24:36.000 Yeah.
00:24:37.000 It's very strange.
00:24:38.000 It's almost like a psychic connection.
00:24:41.000 You know, like there's moments where they know exactly what you're thinking and you can just pause and consider something and they'll start laughing because they know based on, you know, they're going there with you.
00:24:55.000 I try not to judge other comics by watching them on TV, but I do.
00:24:59.000 Same thing.
00:25:02.000 It's hard not to.
00:25:03.000 It still looks right.
00:25:05.000 Somebody just sent me a tape of some guy.
00:25:07.000 Check out this guy.
00:25:08.000 I think he's really funny.
00:25:08.000 And I was like, watching the clip.
00:25:09.000 And I'm like, I am...
00:25:11.000 No.
00:25:12.000 No.
00:25:12.000 I saw this.
00:25:13.000 Laurie Kilmartin.
00:25:14.000 Remember her?
00:25:15.000 No.
00:25:15.000 New York.
00:25:17.000 I think January 1st or 2nd she was doing a show and somebody threw a roll at her, a bread roll.
00:25:22.000 It was just a heckler video.
00:25:23.000 And I was watching and I was like, yeah, that's pretty good. 0.98
00:25:26.000 But if I was there, I'd be like, oh, this is fucking great, you know? 0.82
00:25:29.000 You don't know what's going to happen. 0.81
00:25:30.000 You're caught up in the moment.
00:25:31.000 It's a completely different thing.
00:25:32.000 If she knows that about the crowd, that's what she does a certain way.
00:25:37.000 People love that, when moments just happen when you're in the middle of a show.
00:25:41.000 Yeah.
00:25:42.000 Stand-up comedy really is sort of like a mass hypnosis.
00:25:45.000 It's like some weird mass connection with people.
00:25:48.000 And what you're doing with like a video is you're just hoping that someone will sort of get a little bit of that connection.
00:25:55.000 You know, you'll get like a little vibration of it, a little, just like a faint memory of that connection.
00:26:03.000 You get the material and you understand good writing and all that stuff, but there's a moment that happens when you're on stage and you're killing.
00:26:10.000 You know that moment where it's just...
00:26:12.000 It's a weird feeling, man.
00:26:14.000 I don't think too many people understand that.
00:26:16.000 You know?
00:26:17.000 What people talk about, like, oh, is comedy scary?
00:26:20.000 It's not scary.
00:26:20.000 People want to have a good time.
00:26:22.000 You just gotta do what you're supposed to do.
00:26:24.000 Put it into work.
00:26:25.000 Write a lot.
00:26:26.000 Perform a lot.
00:26:27.000 Do it with the right state of mind.
00:26:29.000 Do it with the right intentions.
00:26:30.000 Do it all for fun.
00:26:31.000 As long as you work, if you're intelligent, you've been doing it.
00:26:35.000 You know how to do it. 0.99
00:26:36.000 Just fucking do it, man. 1.00
00:26:38.000 The only time I heard his cult scare is that Jonathan Gatsik was on stage once. 0.99
00:26:42.000 I don't know, like 11th or whatever it was.
00:26:44.000 And he was just killing. 0.99
00:26:45.000 Right from the start, he just started fucking destroying. 0.99
00:26:47.000 And you see him in about 10 or 12 minutes going, uh-uh. 0.99
00:26:50.000 I've done that!
00:26:51.000 And then he hiccups because he realized this might be the best set of all time.
00:26:54.000 And then he's like, yeah.
00:26:55.000 And the last three minutes was probably like a B plus, A minus.
00:26:58.000 And he was like, oh!
00:27:00.000 But he was like, oh my god, I'm doing so well.
00:27:02.000 He felt responsible for the rest of the set.
00:27:03.000 And I was like, I've totally done that.
00:27:05.000 Have you ever talked yourself out of killing?
00:27:07.000 I started eating it.
00:27:10.000 I remember there was a set that I had when I first started doing comedy. 0.99
00:27:13.000 The first five minutes I fucking crushed. 0.97
00:27:17.000 And then I had a ten minute set and then I dropped a glass. 0.99
00:27:20.000 I just fumbled, dropped the glass, and didn't even address it. 0.99
00:27:25.000 I didn't say a fucking word. 1.00
00:27:28.000 And then the next five minutes, I just ate shit. 1.00
00:27:32.000 I fucking ate shit, man. 1.00
00:27:34.000 It was like I went from everybody laughing and, wow, this guy's really funny, What a great choice! 1.00
00:27:41.000 We picked a comedy show!
00:27:42.000 This is awesome!
00:27:43.000 Because it was like in some weird place in the middle of Rhode Island.
00:27:46.000 It wasn't even a comedy club.
00:27:48.000 It was like one of these little comedy gigs that you would get where you'd drop it into a guest spot before you were actually getting paid.
00:27:56.000 It took me like a year before I ever got any paid sets.
00:27:59.000 But before that year, there was always guys that had these little bar rooms and you could go up and do 10 minutes.
00:28:03.000 Like in Boston, they developed a whole network of those.
00:28:06.000 There were shows everywhere.
00:28:08.000 They had comedy night all over the place.
00:28:09.000 When I was doing comedy, they had three comedy clubs on one block.
00:28:14.000 Warrington Street, three on one block.
00:28:16.000 And our fourth one opened upstairs.
00:28:18.000 They were all packed.
00:28:19.000 It was crazy.
00:28:20.000 And then you had another one that was only a block away that was a little Dick Daugherty place.
00:28:24.000 And then you had another one, Stitches, that was only a couple miles away.
00:28:27.000 And then on Route 1, you had two huge ones.
00:28:30.000 You had the Kowloons and you had Giggles. 0.98
00:28:32.000 These are like full-time clubs.
00:28:34.000 Like, Giggles wasn't.
00:28:35.000 Kowloons maybe I think was just a weekend one too, but the other ones were seven-day-a-week clubs.
00:28:39.000 How many people in Boston?
00:28:40.000 I don't know.
00:28:41.000 There's a few million, but it was crazy, man.
00:28:43.000 There were Stitches.
00:28:44.000 There was Duck Soup, which later became the Improv.
00:28:49.000 And then there was, of course, Nick's Comedy Stop. 1.00
00:28:51.000 There were so many fucking clubs. 0.99
00:28:53.000 It was the most incredible place. 1.00
00:28:55.000 It was so lucky.
00:28:56.000 Just a total streak of luck that I was in Boston in 1988 when I wanted to do comedy.
00:29:03.000 Because that was like mecca.
00:29:05.000 So much stage time.
00:29:06.000 And it was Mecca for the whole country.
00:29:09.000 For whatever reason, that one place developed all these comics.
00:29:13.000 I mean, like him or not, Dennis Leary, What's-His-Face, Stephen Wright, and then guys you've never heard of, Jay Leno, of course, Nick DiPaolo, Anthony Clark.
00:29:24.000 Anthony Clark back then was a murderer, dude.
00:29:27.000 I remember seeing him on TV doing his jokes.
00:29:30.000 Yeah, he, you know, I think he got a television show and things started happening for him and I just think...
00:29:36.000 A lot of stuff didn't fall into place, but when I was starting out back in Boston, Ari Shafir moved away from the camera.
00:29:43.000 So my grandma doesn't see it.
00:29:44.000 Oh, it's grandma.
00:29:44.000 Hey, start taking some questions.
00:29:45.000 That nosy bitch, she's still watching Ustreams? 1.00
00:29:48.000 Start taking some questions. 1.00
00:29:50.000 Yeah, you've got so many people asking you shit. 1.00
00:29:52.000 Well, man, shit happens. 1.00
00:29:54.000 You can't, Brian. 1.00
00:29:55.000 What the fuck, Brian? 1.00
00:29:57.000 No, no, no. 1.00
00:29:58.000 Let me tell you something, man. 1.00
00:29:59.000 Let me tell you something how this shit works, okay? 0.99
00:30:01.000 When you're on the radio show, you never have someone telling you to take some questions. 0.99
00:30:05.000 Yeah, they always say that.
00:30:06.000 Let's take some questions.
00:30:07.000 You say, hey, let's take some calls when they want to.
00:30:10.000 When there's a break.
00:30:11.000 When there's a break in the action.
00:30:12.000 That was a break in the conversation, so I said, let's take some questions.
00:30:15.000 What's wrong with you people?
00:30:16.000 Let's do it.
00:30:16.000 Let's take some questions.
00:30:17.000 What are some questions?
00:30:23.000 No!
00:30:24.000 No, no.
00:30:24.000 You get reception in here.
00:30:27.000 AT&T is fucking good up here. 0.94
00:30:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:30:30.000 Verizon sucks up here. 0.99
00:30:31.000 Yeah, Verizon's terrible up here, but AT&T's the bomb diggity up here. 0.99
00:30:34.000 But Verizon's better everywhere else.
00:30:37.000 And I'm gonna get something hooked up where you can have Verizon in your house through the internet.
00:30:41.000 You have like a little internet thing.
00:30:43.000 And it's like Wi-Fi through your house.
00:30:45.000 So even if where you live doesn't have good internet...
00:30:47.000 You wanna get it off that?
00:30:48.000 Sure.
00:30:50.000 It's actually, what it does is it uses your Wi-Fi and it rebroadcasts...
00:30:53.000 Hey, this ain't radio.
00:30:55.000 I know it's not radio, but I mean a precedent has been set, sir.
00:30:59.000 We're doing it like radio.
00:31:01.000 This guy, Tobias Holft, he's saying red band hit him already.
00:31:07.000 Listen, fella, you've got a lot of pent-up anxiety.
00:31:10.000 We're friends, right?
00:31:12.000 We're friends here. 0.96
00:31:14.000 No one's hitting anybody, goddammit. 1.00
00:31:15.000 Settle the fuck down. 1.00
00:31:17.000 So many angry people that hang out in the UFC community. 0.99
00:31:28.000 Well, it's not just the UFC community.
00:31:30.000 It's in the world, man. 1.00
00:31:31.000 There's a lot of angry motherfuckers out there. 1.00
00:31:32.000 But I've noticed since the UFC here. 1.00
00:31:35.000 Yeah, the economy's in the shitter. 0.99
00:31:37.000 We're in two fucking wars that make zero sense. 1.00
00:31:39.000 There's a lot of angry fucking people out there, man. 0.99
00:31:41.000 Yeah, but there's a lot of UFC people that I've noticed have come onto your message board lately that has kind of taken over the con of the crowd. 0.99
00:31:49.000 And they're either cool, which is a lot of them are cool.
00:31:51.000 A lot of them are cool. 1.00
00:31:52.000 But there are so many dumbasses and fucking morons and fighter guys. 1.00
00:31:57.000 It's true, but the beauty of that message board is the retard room. 1.00
00:32:00.000 That's the beautiful thing.
00:32:01.000 I have this killer message board on JoeRogan.net.
00:32:05.000 It's forums.JoeRogan.net. 0.97
00:32:07.000 And these forums, we have it set up so people are just generally instructed to be cool with each other, don't be retarded, post interesting shit, talk about things. 0.99
00:32:17.000 And occasionally someone will fucking blow up or they get retarded, they get stupid, they get angry, they get aggro, they start fights. 0.99
00:32:23.000 And so then we send them to the retard room. 1.00
00:32:25.000 And we have a special room that's just for everyone in it has been deemed a retard. 0.96
00:32:30.000 I mean, you're not all retarded. 1.00
00:32:31.000 I know some of you are probably just young and some of you had a tough life and you're crazy. 0.98
00:32:35.000 I don't hate you. 0.98
00:32:36.000 I just don't want you fucking up the conversations. 0.99
00:32:38.000 And when people fuck up the conversations for more than, you know, a certain couple, two or three times, We sent him to this retard room. 1.00
00:32:45.000 It's the greatest invention ever. 0.97
00:32:46.000 I don't know whose it was.
00:32:47.000 Whose idea was it?
00:32:48.000 I forget.
00:32:50.000 Crescent Wrench was the guy who came up with the idea where everybody should have to post porn.
00:32:54.000 That was his idea.
00:32:55.000 So they were cool?
00:32:56.000 Yeah.
00:32:57.000 Then it got creepy. 0.99
00:32:58.000 It got too fucked up. 0.99
00:32:59.000 Because it wasn't about... 0.99
00:33:00.000 It wasn't about saying, I'm cool, look, here's a big moment, sir, I'm cool. 1.00
00:33:04.000 It became like, let me show you a better porn, asshole! 1.00
00:33:06.000 Yeah, and it became like a website where you could just get porn. 1.00
00:33:10.000 I mean, you wouldn't have to go anywhere else but my website to get porn. 1.00
00:33:13.000 It was videos, and now with those, those fucking, those you-porns and ex-movies, big, giant-ass fucking pictures. 1.00
00:33:21.000 Pornhub. 1.00
00:33:22.000 Yeah, they're huge.
00:33:23.000 They're like twice as big as YouTube.
00:33:25.000 And they look good.
00:33:26.000 You know what's funny is that also the people that were most addicted to porn and had the best porn photos were the most popular people.
00:33:32.000 So actually we were friends with the most creepy people.
00:33:35.000 Yeah, we were friends with people that had like seven gigabytes full of...
00:33:38.000 Fairly legal.
00:33:40.000 Dudes who would go to strip clubs when the girl's performing with like magazines for her to sign.
00:33:47.000 I met Gina Lynn.
00:33:48.000 She's really pretty.
00:33:49.000 She's very nice.
00:33:50.000 She's actually cool.
00:33:51.000 She's actually really cool.
00:33:52.000 She's a nice person.
00:33:53.000 She's not doing porn very much longer.
00:33:54.000 She's got one more year.
00:33:55.000 I love that they like them because of porn and then they're proud.
00:33:57.000 Yeah, and then they want them out.
00:34:00.000 You can do better than this.
00:34:01.000 I just want you to know.
00:34:02.000 Some dudes are just into it. 0.59
00:34:04.000 Bella said she's done with porn. 0.93
00:34:06.000 Wow.
00:34:06.000 She's done acting in them.
00:34:07.000 What is she going to do now?
00:34:08.000 Just produce. 0.56
00:34:09.000 Wow. 0.99
00:34:10.000 She's going to become a pimp. 1.00
00:34:12.000 Yeah. 0.84
00:34:12.000 She's tired of baseball bats off the pooper, huh? 0.84
00:34:15.000 I don't think she's tired of that.
00:34:16.000 I don't know how anybody can get tired of that.
00:34:18.000 She has the best tweets, man.
00:34:20.000 She does. 1.00
00:34:21.000 Because out of nowhere, she's like, oh, here's my asshole. 1.00
00:34:24.000 And you're like, oh, it's great! 1.00
00:34:26.000 There it is!
00:34:28.000 Wow.
00:34:29.000 It really is like that too.
00:34:31.000 She sends you NSFW. Not safe for work.
00:34:34.000 I think you need a bigger warning than loads dripping out of your gaping asshole. 1.00
00:34:41.000 That's not safe for life. 1.00
00:34:43.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00
00:34:45.000 You're showing the whole world you're right to the butthole. 1.00
00:34:49.000 Not mysterious lips and sucking on fingers and taunting you with lingerie. 0.99
00:34:55.000 Wide open butthole with We got into flowers. 1.00
00:35:02.000 A bitch goes deep. 1.00
00:35:03.000 She goes deep. 1.00
00:35:04.000 She takes it to another level.
00:35:05.000 She does. 1.00
00:35:06.000 She set the bar like a motherfucker. 1.00
00:35:08.000 Uh-huh. 1.00
00:35:08.000 I've never seen anybody shove a baseball bat up their ass like that. 1.00
00:35:11.000 It's a loss to the community. 1.00
00:35:13.000 It's a huge loss.
00:35:14.000 It's like Jordan retiring the first time.
00:35:15.000 It is.
00:35:16.000 It is. 0.99
00:35:17.000 Who's the dirtiest girl in porn now? 1.00
00:35:18.000 Sasha Gray? 0.99
00:35:19.000 Now that she's gone?
00:35:20.000 No.
00:35:20.000 Is she dirty?
00:35:22.000 She's supposed to be really dirty. 1.00
00:35:23.000 She's just a good marketer. 1.00
00:35:23.000 I don't think she's way dirtier than the rest of them. 1.00
00:35:25.000 She looks pretty dirty. 0.99
00:35:28.000 Jesus!
00:35:29.000 What happened, Brian?
00:35:31.000 Brian's acting like John Candy.
00:35:32.000 You think he's balancing on this? 1.00
00:35:34.000 You don't know what the fuck you're doing, man. 1.00
00:35:35.000 You're ruining everything. 1.00
00:35:38.000 There's a story behind this thing behind us.
00:35:41.000 And I'm gonna put something in front of it so I throw this ball down. - Is that a bunch of pot on the ground?
00:35:51.000 Yep.
00:35:51.000 Come on, come on, business we run here.
00:35:55.000 There it goes.
00:35:57.000 All right.
00:35:58.000 This sign, when Doug Stanhope and I were hosting the man show, there was a segment called Make Me Hard. 0.98
00:36:07.000 And the segment, we had, like, boxes attached to dude's dicks. 0.98
00:36:11.000 And, like, we would show them things, like a midget eating a banana. 1.00
00:36:16.000 And we would decide, oh, he's getting a hard one.
00:36:19.000 Ding, ding, ding. 1.00
00:36:20.000 It was really stupid. 1.00
00:36:20.000 But the whole reason for the bit was so that we could use this tranny. 1.00
00:36:24.000 And in the bit, we... 0.81
00:36:26.000 we had this tranny, and she was really hot. 1.00
00:36:29.000 I mean, she's fucking super hot. 1.00
00:36:31.000 Like, my friend Eddie saw her in a car once, and he goes, damn, that bitch is hot. 1.00
00:36:35.000 Look at her. 1.00
00:36:36.000 And I go, dude, that's a tranny. 1.00
00:36:37.000 And he goes, no fucking way. 0.99
00:36:39.000 I go, yeah, we used her on the man show. 1.00
00:36:40.000 So I'm like, hey, what's up?
00:36:41.000 How you doing?
00:36:42.000 So anyway, we got this guy with the box on.
00:36:45.000 So the idea is that we show him all this stuff that's not sexy. 0.99
00:36:49.000 Like, guys playing with their nipples, big fat guys, and their light would go off. 0.99
00:36:55.000 Midget's eating a banana, their light would go off. 0.99
00:36:57.000 And then we had this super hot chick, and she's rubbing on him, and she's touching him, and nothing.
00:37:02.000 Nothing's happened.
00:37:03.000 His light is not going off. 1.00
00:37:04.000 And she pulls her tits out, the fucking audience is going crazy, and he's sucking whipped cream off her tits, and then she pulls her cock out. 1.00
00:37:14.000 And her cock is this wrinkled, shriveled up, little poisoned dick because it's a real dick. 1.00
00:37:20.000 Like, she used to be a man, but she's been injecting herself with so many female hormones that her dick is like a dick that's been poisoned. 1.00
00:37:27.000 It was like a monkey that got shot with a poisoned dart, which you would imagine his dick would look like. 1.00
00:37:32.000 It was like dark and shriveled up, and then of course the lights going off like crazy. 0.99
00:37:36.000 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:37:37.000 But they let us do all this.
00:37:41.000 What they didn't let us do was call it Make Me Hard.
00:37:45.000 They wanted to call it Make Me Stiff.
00:37:48.000 And that was like a legitimate argument.
00:37:50.000 So you changed it?
00:37:51.000 So we had to change it from Make Me Hard to Make Me Stiff.
00:37:54.000 It was your choice either to say, are you going to put your foot down as a creative person and say, no, without Hard, it's not the same? 0.85
00:37:59.000 But that's how dumb it is when you're dealing with network television. 0.99
00:38:03.000 That's how dumb their arguments are. 0.98
00:38:04.000 It's like everybody wants to change something and they really believe that they have to change something to get your respect. 0.99
00:38:12.000 That you're going to have to listen to them.
00:38:14.000 And they want to come in, and none of them are creative, and all of them have an appointment.
00:38:18.000 How could that be more offensive?
00:38:20.000 How could the word hard be more offensive than the word stiff?
00:38:23.000 That doesn't even make any sense.
00:38:24.000 Stiff to me sounds even more like pokey.
00:38:28.000 Make me hard is like you're raring the girl. 0.67
00:38:31.000 Make me stiff is like you're stabbing somebody with it. 1.00
00:38:35.000 It's like they don't even want your dick. 1.00
00:38:37.000 You just got a little stiffy. 1.00
00:38:38.000 That doesn't sound fun. 0.99
00:38:40.000 But that's how dumb the arguments are, man. 0.96
00:38:41.000 Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're learning the difference between connotative value and denotative value. 0.97
00:38:45.000 All right, Shaffir, educated to the masses, giving you knowledge.
00:38:49.000 Where's the laptop?
00:38:50.000 It'd be easier to read off the laptop.
00:38:52.000 Go to Twitter off the laptop. 0.99
00:38:53.000 It's fucking your feet up. 0.99
00:38:55.000 Your internet. 1.00
00:38:56.000 Yeah, that's so weak.
00:38:58.000 But that will be fixed tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen.
00:39:01.000 We're going to do this every week.
00:39:02.000 We're going to start taking some questions now. 0.75
00:39:06.000 This Twitter feed's coming too fucking fast.
00:39:07.000 It's crazy when your Twitter feed's going faster than a chat room usually does, you know?
00:39:13.000 What are the big news stories?
00:39:14.000 Is that Lenny Bruce on the wall?
00:39:15.000 No, that's a picture of me from my first CD. This dude made it with...
00:39:22.000 With snake blood.
00:39:23.000 Some crazy dude sent it to me.
00:39:25.000 He makes paintings with snake blood.
00:39:28.000 I lost that dude's email.
00:39:31.000 If he gets to see this, the dude who makes paintings with snake blood, thank you very much for the picture. 0.96
00:39:35.000 It's pretty fucking dope. 0.96
00:39:36.000 and it's up there. 0.99
00:39:37.000 These questions are so hot. 1.00
00:39:48.000 It's hard to read this shit, man. 1.00
00:39:49.000 What's going on in the news right now? 1.00
00:39:51.000 The Nexus phones coming out?
00:39:54.000 No, no.
00:39:55.000 Terrorism, Brian. 1.00
00:39:57.000 Fucking phone free. 1.00
00:39:58.000 They don't use those kind of phones, Joe. 1.00
00:40:01.000 These people don't use those phones?
00:40:02.000 No, the terrorist people.
00:40:03.000 Oh, okay. 1.00
00:40:04.000 I don't know what you're saying God damn This is impossible to read Okay I'm way too high to be reading this moving shit. 0.99
00:40:21.000 Any updates on Artie? 0.99
00:40:23.000 What are you going to jail?
00:40:24.000 What are you going to, um, hospital for?
00:40:27.000 There's so many rumors floating around, I've heard...
00:40:29.000 There's a report, but it doesn't say why?
00:40:31.000 Yeah, I haven't heard anything official.
00:40:33.000 No. 0.99
00:40:33.000 I've heard some crazy shit, though. 0.99
00:40:35.000 Like what? 1.00
00:40:35.000 Drinking bleach, stabbing himself in the stomach, fucking, uh... 1.00
00:40:39.000 God, I hope that's not real. 1.00
00:40:41.000 Fingering his asshole. 1.00
00:40:42.000 What? 1.00
00:40:42.000 Don't make that up. 1.00
00:40:44.000 Did you hear that?
00:40:45.000 Not the fingernail, of course.
00:40:46.000 No one heard overdosing?
00:40:48.000 What?
00:40:49.000 No one heard overdosing?
00:40:50.000 I think that's just obvious.
00:40:52.000 I think that's just obvious.
00:40:54.000 But I heard drinking bleach.
00:40:56.000 Like he tried to drink bleach and like suicide.
00:40:58.000 What if he tried to come into a hospital just to get a checkup?
00:41:02.000 And then it's probably not the case.
00:41:05.000 Yeah.
00:41:07.000 Did you hear the Howard Stern show this week?
00:41:09.000 No, I haven't heard it at all.
00:41:11.000 It's probably old news.
00:41:12.000 Everyone probably knows what's happening.
00:41:13.000 He's probably fine.
00:41:15.000 Did you hear about Tiger Woods?
00:41:17.000 I just love saying that.
00:41:18.000 I don't even have any news.
00:41:21.000 Did you hear about the new thing with the whiskey or the bottles of vodka and Red Bull and the three hot chicks came up to his room? 1.00
00:41:30.000 He shoved them up their pussy? 1.00
00:41:31.000 Maybe. 1.00
00:41:34.000 He ordered 20 bottles of vodka.
00:41:36.000 20?
00:41:37.000 Yeah, and a case of Red Bull and had three really hot chicks up in his room. 0.99
00:41:41.000 That's how he celebrated New Year's.
00:41:43.000 This year?
00:41:43.000 Yes!
00:41:44.000 This year?
00:41:44.000 Yes!
00:41:45.000 This year?
00:41:46.000 Yes.
00:41:47.000 There's also a porn video being shot.
00:41:49.000 Wait, how do you know that?
00:41:50.000 Where did that come from?
00:41:51.000 It was in the news.
00:41:52.000 That he was celebrating That's how he celebrated New Year's.
00:41:57.000 TMZ, apparently, was there.
00:41:58.000 Wait, he didn't just say, like, I thought he hadn't left his house. 1.00
00:42:01.000 I think he just said, fuck it, you know? 1.00
00:42:03.000 This year? 1.00
00:42:04.000 I could see in the past.
00:42:04.000 This year?
00:42:05.000 I think he just said, fuck it. 1.00
00:42:06.000 I'm tired of this bullshit. 1.00
00:42:08.000 I'm just gonna live. 1.00
00:42:09.000 I'm gonna live my life.
00:42:10.000 Honestly, if he just answered questions for, like, six months, it'd be over. 1.00
00:42:12.000 He'd be like, yeah, I like to fuck people. 1.00
00:42:14.000 Who's out there? 1.00
00:42:14.000 Not only that, like, he has so much money that he doesn't have to work ever again. 1.00
00:42:19.000 He can keep working though.
00:42:20.000 He can keep playing golf.
00:42:21.000 Right.
00:42:21.000 He can totally play golf, but he doesn't need the endorsements anymore.
00:42:23.000 They'll still crush people.
00:42:24.000 Yeah.
00:42:25.000 And he'll get the endorsements back.
00:42:26.000 He'll get different endorsements, right?
00:42:27.000 You don't think somebody's going to sponsor who's winning these tournaments?
00:42:30.000 Yeah.
00:42:30.000 Who will they keep showing on Sunday most of the time?
00:42:34.000 Yeah, let's put our fucking logo on his bag. 0.99
00:42:36.000 That's a lot of money in that golf, huh? 1.00
00:42:38.000 That's a businessman sport.
00:42:40.000 There's so much money in big golf.
00:42:42.000 Yeah.
00:42:44.000 It's like, no offense, you get Jeff Ogilvie as your main guy.
00:42:48.000 It just doesn't carry as much weight.
00:42:49.000 Do you think people go into golf thinking that you're going to make money off it, though?
00:42:53.000 It's so hard.
00:42:54.000 I think it's the same as any sport, basketball, well, any major sports, basketball, baseball, football, that you go into it going, like, I love playing, I want to make all-star, I want to make all-conference, you know, I think I can go to a big Division I school.
00:43:05.000 In the back of your head, you're like, I want to play pro, I'm sure.
00:43:09.000 Right.
00:43:10.000 It's just that, you know, the hardest thing about becoming a professional at anything difficult, like golf or, you know, whatever, playing football or any sport, is just saying, okay, this is what I'm going to do. 0.97
00:43:21.000 Because you don't have a fucking backup plan if that's what you're going to do. 0.94
00:43:24.000 Oh yeah, it's the scratcher. 0.99
00:43:27.000 The guy who just makes ties, get on a tour, let's go to Q School, scratch off a fucking, you know, eighth place finish on a Best Buy tour for eight grand. 0.96
00:43:35.000 You know, hopefully. 0.97
00:43:36.000 Yeah.
00:43:37.000 It's just similar to these fighters, too.
00:43:39.000 I see some of them that are fighting for eight and eight.
00:43:41.000 You fight three fights a year, you're getting 30 grand.
00:43:43.000 Some of them just see the graphic.
00:43:46.000 Oh, Brian's having little conversations all of his own.
00:43:48.000 Someone said, winning is everything.
00:43:56.000 Cody missed.
00:43:57.000 Okay. 0.97
00:43:59.000 Would you bang Tiger Woods' wife? 0.93
00:44:00.000 Right now, I think no, because she'd be very vulnerable. 1.00
00:44:05.000 I don't feel bad about that, but Ari would fuck the life out of her. 1.00
00:44:08.000 I didn't even consider the vulnerable part. 0.99
00:44:10.000 I think.
00:44:11.000 Poor girl. 1.00
00:44:15.000 You know, she's having a hard time right now. 1.00
00:44:17.000 Do I have to rape her? 1.00
00:44:19.000 No, she wants to fuck you. 1.00
00:44:20.000 She wants to do it. 1.00
00:44:21.000 She wants to fuck you. 1.00
00:44:21.000 She needs someone to hold her. 1.00
00:44:22.000 And then as she's holding you, you grab her ass and she says nothing. 1.00
00:44:26.000 You just go for it. 1.00
00:44:29.000 But she doesn't really grab your dick. 1.00
00:44:30.000 You grab her hand and put her in your dick and she just goes with it. 1.00
00:44:34.000 Does she get into it when she's doing that? 1.00
00:44:35.000 Sort of a little bit, but she feels bad.
00:44:37.000 So the whole time she's like...
00:44:40.000 It sounds like a terrible light.
00:44:42.000 I think I'd still go for it.
00:44:43.000 You'd still go for it?
00:44:44.000 I think I'd still go for it.
00:44:45.000 I would be disappointed, though.
00:44:46.000 I'd be like, you know what?
00:44:48.000 Yeah, that would be very disappointing.
00:44:49.000 It wouldn't leave me with a great feeling.
00:44:50.000 Yeah, it wouldn't be.
00:44:51.000 If she got really into it, though, if she gave it, say, her B game.
00:44:55.000 Yeah.
00:44:55.000 Just a B, B plus game.
00:44:56.000 I think I'd be super pleased.
00:44:58.000 It's so much more important to have a chick that's really into it. 1.00
00:45:01.000 It's so important.
00:45:02.000 A hot chick that's not into it. 1.00
00:45:04.000 But there's a point of diminishing returns.
00:45:08.000 Like a super hot chick who just lays there is way better. 1.00
00:45:12.000 That's not as good as a one step down who goes crazy, but it is better than eight steps down who gives it a little bit.
00:45:18.000 Like at a certain point, at a certain weight.
00:45:23.000 Certain smell.
00:45:24.000 It's like, okay, I'll take the chick that doesn't move. 0.99
00:45:29.000 Intuit gives you quarter credit.
00:45:30.000 Hotness gives you full credit.
00:45:32.000 Here's the thing that gets me.
00:45:33.000 Those robot things.
00:45:35.000 Those dolls.
00:45:36.000 Those real dolls. 1.00
00:45:37.000 Would you fuck one of those? 1.00
00:45:39.000 I don't think I would fuck one of those. 1.00
00:45:40.000 I fucked pillows before. 1.00
00:45:42.000 I would definitely fuck one of those. 1.00
00:45:44.000 I wouldn't invest a lot of money into it. 1.00
00:45:46.000 I would rather jerk off than fuck that thing. 1.00
00:45:48.000 I'd try it out. 1.00
00:45:49.000 How could that possibly be good?
00:45:52.000 Do you think that's good?
00:45:53.000 I don't know.
00:45:54.000 I mean, sometimes lotion feels better than not lotion.
00:45:56.000 Yeah, but it feels weird, man.
00:45:57.000 It's still in business. 0.99
00:45:58.000 There's one thing to fantasize and masturbate. 1.00
00:46:01.000 There's another thing to fuck a rubber doll. 1.00
00:46:04.000 I think it's the same thing. 1.00
00:46:04.000 That's a totally different rubber. 1.00
00:46:06.000 I think it's the same thing.
00:46:06.000 I think if it feels right, just extension that.
00:46:09.000 It's 3D versus 2D. Same shit. 1.00
00:46:11.000 It just gives you more texture. 1.00
00:46:12.000 True, but it's a thing.
00:46:14.000 It's not your imagination with auto-manipulation.
00:46:17.000 It's a thing. 1.00
00:46:17.000 You're fucking a thing. 1.00
00:46:18.000 It's all big enough. 1.00
00:46:20.000 I disagree. 0.99
00:46:21.000 You're fucking a rubber thing. 0.99
00:46:22.000 Yeah, and if it feels good, and as you're closing your eyes and doing like this, if you can feel something that feels like skin, you're like, oh, even better. 0.99
00:46:28.000 Here's my point.
00:46:29.000 It seems much more humiliating. 1.00
00:46:31.000 If someone catches you fucking a rubber doll... 1.00
00:46:36.000 You feel like shit, and I think you're supposed to feel like shit. 1.00
00:46:38.000 If someone catches you, that would be worse. 1.00
00:46:40.000 Well, that's because I think you're supposed to feel like shit for doing that. 0.99
00:46:43.000 That's a fucking creepy thing you're doing. 1.00
00:46:44.000 You're fucking a rubber doll, you weirdo. 1.00
00:46:46.000 You should just jerk off. 1.00
00:46:48.000 Oh, powerful gum. 1.00
00:46:51.000 Now we're going to make chewing noises.
00:46:52.000 This is the chewing noises portion of the program.
00:47:09.000 This guy says about real dolls, Dave Broomfield says they look awesome.
00:47:14.000 Talking, taking them to dinner is awkward though.
00:47:19.000 Did you ever see that movie, Lars and the Real Doll?
00:47:21.000 No, I never saw it. 0.99
00:47:22.000 This guy was ridiculous. 0.99
00:47:24.000 You know, if you were somebody that never got laid, like ever... 0.99
00:47:28.000 By the way, did you guys watch that Conveyor of Love?
00:47:31.000 That show?
00:47:32.000 No.
00:47:32.000 Oh, that's great.
00:47:33.000 What is that?
00:47:34.000 It's a new reality show where like four hot chicks just have a conveyor belt in front of them and they just send guys down. 1.00
00:47:41.000 The guy has like 20 seconds to impress them or they just go get out of here and he goes off on the conveyor belt.
00:47:46.000 And then at the end of like a hundred guys, then they take them on a date.
00:47:51.000 And so then like there was one...
00:47:53.000 Yeah, this one chick's like, oh, I just want that guy. 1.00
00:47:55.000 I just want to do him so bad.
00:47:58.000 It was like a guy with no shirt on and a puppy.
00:48:00.000 And then the next person would be like a stand-up comic.
00:48:02.000 Like, dude, like, do you like fire?
00:48:04.000 And he had like a fireball coming out.
00:48:05.000 What network is this on?
00:48:06.000 It was right after, uh...
00:48:08.000 That's brilliant.
00:48:09.000 The Bachelor.
00:48:10.000 Whatever is The Bachelor.
00:48:11.000 It was right after The Bachelor.
00:48:12.000 Is that ABC? ABC? I said, what do they choose?
00:48:15.000 Like, four out of ten?
00:48:16.000 Like, yes?
00:48:16.000 No?
00:48:17.000 No?
00:48:17.000 Yeah.
00:48:17.000 It's called Conveyor of Love, I think.
00:48:19.000 And then all the people they choose, they go on dates with them later.
00:48:22.000 God!
00:48:22.000 Yeah, and then the dates were awful.
00:48:24.000 Like, this one guy's like crazy.
00:48:26.000 Oh, you guys gotta download it.
00:48:27.000 How incredible is that?
00:48:28.000 This one chick got stuck with this fat guy that had, like, really ugly hair by mistake because it's a game. 1.00
00:48:33.000 You could steal other people. 0.90
00:48:35.000 Oh, no!
00:48:36.000 If there's two girls that want the guy, then the guy has to decide between the two girls. 0.95
00:48:41.000 And they're just blunt.
00:48:42.000 This might be the greatest show of all time.
00:48:43.000 Oh, it's great.
00:48:44.000 It's so bad.
00:48:45.000 It's just like, let's just see how much more we can let people demean themselves.
00:48:48.000 Do you remember that show, Temptation Island?
00:48:51.000 Do you remember that? 1.00
00:48:52.000 That shit was hilarious. 1.00
00:48:54.000 That was good too. 1.00
00:48:54.000 How crazy was that? 1.00
00:48:56.000 They would take these fucking chicks and tell them to try to get these guys to cheat. 1.00
00:49:01.000 And film everything they did. 1.00
00:49:03.000 And they would still cheat.
00:49:04.000 And they would still cheat. 1.00
00:49:05.000 And they would fuck the girls? 1.00
00:49:05.000 Yes! 1.00
00:49:08.000 There was a girl who worked for Fear Factor that was one of the girls. 0.99
00:49:11.000 So they're just prostitutes. 1.00
00:49:12.000 Yeah, basically. 0.99
00:49:13.000 I mean, it's not an American soil.
00:49:16.000 They have to be attracted to the...
00:49:17.000 I don't know.
00:49:18.000 It's not an American soil. 1.00
00:49:19.000 They're not paying them to fuck them. 1.00
00:49:21.000 They're paying them to flirt, but... 1.00
00:49:22.000 The interview process is with stealing sluts. 1.00
00:49:25.000 With whatever happens. 1.00
00:49:26.000 If something happens, you should kill them. 1.00
00:49:27.000 Did any girl feel like, as kissing, was like, okay, stop. 1.00
00:49:30.000 I don't know.
00:49:31.000 That's a good question.
00:49:32.000 I don't remember watching it.
00:49:33.000 I think that would be highly discouraged.
00:49:34.000 I just remember Mrs. Rogan being so upset at her. 0.88
00:49:37.000 Really?
00:49:38.000 Mrs. Rogan did not like it. 0.99
00:49:40.000 She was like, God, that's a terrible show.
00:49:43.000 So mean. 1.00
00:49:44.000 Those weak motherfuckers, they got the weakest, dumbest... 1.00
00:49:47.000 And it's like they know the big film, but eventually they're like, fuck it. 1.00
00:49:50.000 Poor fools. 1.00
00:49:51.000 Just wrecked their lives on TV. Cheaters is so fake, by the way. 1.00
00:49:55.000 Did you know that?
00:49:56.000 Yeah, Cheaters is fake.
00:49:57.000 But not always, because he got stabbed for real.
00:49:59.000 No, look at the stab video now.
00:50:00.000 That's not real?
00:50:01.000 Look at it now.
00:50:02.000 It's like watching E.T. now, and you see how fake it is?
00:50:06.000 Oh no, really?
00:50:06.000 If you watch the stabbing video of Cheaters now, our brains have gotten past that, and now it's so fake looking.
00:50:11.000 Is that true, ladies and gentlemen?
00:50:13.000 He's like this.
00:50:13.000 He's like this.
00:50:13.000 He's like, oh, oh, oh.
00:50:14.000 And no one's helping him out.
00:50:16.000 There's four people just filming him and stuff, and he's just sitting there, oh, oh.
00:50:21.000 Do you remember he said don't stop filming?
00:50:24.000 Yeah, dude, it looks like watching E.T. now.
00:50:27.000 Really?
00:50:28.000 Yeah.
00:50:28.000 You're just like, that's a fake alien!
00:50:30.000 That's what it looks like.
00:50:32.000 Google that right now. 0.99
00:50:33.000 And this is the beauty of the internet, bitches. 1.00
00:50:35.000 Can you turn it off so we watch with them? 0.99
00:50:36.000 No.
00:50:38.000 Joey Greco from Cheaters Gets Stabbed.
00:50:40.000 The stabbing.
00:50:42.000 I want you guys to look at it like, alright, is that real?
00:50:45.000 No.
00:50:46.000 Would this really happen?
00:50:47.000 Do the one above it.
00:50:48.000 Is that the one?
00:50:49.000 Oh, wait.
00:50:50.000 This one? 0.82
00:50:50.000 Cheaters Gets Stabbed? 0.82
00:50:51.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:50:53.000 Cheaters get even is what it is when you look it up on YouTube.
00:50:57.000 See how slow my internet is?
00:50:59.000 So whack.
00:51:01.000 I'm wearing a boot shirt.
00:51:02.000 Are you?
00:51:03.000 I'm wearing Triumph United.
00:51:06.000 That was probably staged.
00:51:08.000 First comment on YouTube, the dude says, that was probably staged. 1.00
00:51:15.000 I don't see this shit. 0.99
00:51:17.000 We're watching it right now, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00
00:51:19.000 This is like when we were watching Two Girls, One Cup, except the shit is live over the internet right now. 0.99
00:51:24.000 We're about to watch Joey Greco from Cheaters Get Stabbed. 0.99
00:51:26.000 I love the one comment that says, I hope Joey is going to be okay.
00:51:29.000 This happened four years ago.
00:51:31.000 The comments from three days ago.
00:51:32.000 I hope Joey's going to be on the tag.
00:51:35.000 And you know what's even creepier about that?
00:51:36.000 I think it's real.
00:51:37.000 I want to find her stuff later.
00:51:38.000 I bet it's real.
00:51:39.000 Let's go read her posts.
00:51:41.000 By the way, when you get your internet hooked up, we'll be able to show them what we're watching.
00:51:45.000 Just can't do it right now.
00:51:46.000 That will be hooked up tomorrow.
00:51:50.000 Next week's episode.
00:51:51.000 We're going to do this every week, folks.
00:51:53.000 Alright, here's the cheaters thing.
00:51:55.000 Let's watch it from the beginning.
00:52:01.000 I wasn't really paying attention.
00:52:03.000 By the way, it's beautifully filmed.
00:52:04.000 Okay.
00:52:05.000 Oh, some guy gets thrown into the water. - I'm here.
00:52:17.000 Okay, somebody's been stabbed by the way.
00:52:31.000 Right.
00:52:33.000 Hold on, hold on.
00:52:35.000 Don't say anything.
00:52:35.000 I can watch it.
00:52:36.000 Yeah.
00:52:37.000 Somebody come on! 0.99
00:52:38.000 Let's go!
00:52:39.000 Come on! 0.61
00:52:40.000 Come on! 0.61
00:52:41.000 Hey, yeah.
00:52:42.000 Well, the camera didn't help him out.
00:52:44.000 He's just been stabbed.
00:52:48.000 Oh, that looks real.
00:52:52.000 Well, you gotta think, though, that if he did get stabbed, the guy's a failed actor, and he's gonna ham it up, even if he did get stabbed.
00:53:00.000 And if he hammed it up, he's gonna ham it up.
00:53:02.000 If you were stabbed, I wouldn't be holding a camera and stuff.
00:53:05.000 I'd be like, alright, we need to...
00:53:07.000 I'm sure this is available.
00:53:11.000 We can find this out online.
00:53:13.000 Okay.
00:53:14.000 Joey Greco, is that what his name is?
00:53:15.000 Yeah.
00:53:16.000 Joey.
00:53:21.000 That's it.
00:53:23.000 I need you to stay as conscious as possible, okay?
00:53:27.000 Yeah.
00:53:28.000 I gotta be honest with you, it looks pretty funny.
00:53:30.000 Okay, and there's another part...
00:53:31.000 If I had to guess...
00:53:33.000 Joe, there's another part in the video where they got the guy that stabbed him?
00:53:35.000 Ooh, right here.
00:53:36.000 Cheaters host Joey Greco stabbing was staged, says paid actor.
00:53:40.000 Look at that.
00:53:41.000 And this just came out in November.
00:53:44.000 It's an audition.
00:53:45.000 So this is a recent finding.
00:53:47.000 So they're recently finding out that that whole thing was staged.
00:53:49.000 Dude, I told you.
00:53:50.000 Oh, my man called it!
00:53:52.000 Dude, my brain has gotten past the part where I could just tell.
00:53:57.000 Cheaters has been on the air for nine years now documenting scorned lovers confronting their cheating partners Go to the Inside Edition website.
00:54:18.000 I'm always a little weirded out by reality-blurred websites if those are just made up or not.
00:54:22.000 That's a good point.
00:54:23.000 Might be just InsideEdition.com.
00:54:26.000 That might not even be the store, right?
00:54:28.000 InsideEdition.com.
00:54:29.000 My internet's so weak.
00:54:31.000 Wow.
00:54:32.000 There's another part where they have the guy that stabbed him in a chokehold.
00:54:36.000 If you're in a chokehold, his hand's just like this.
00:54:38.000 Look.
00:54:39.000 Wouldn't you be trying to punch the guy in the face that has you in the chokehold or trying to undo the chokehold?
00:54:44.000 His arm's like this and the guy has him in a chokehold and his arm's just to his side.
00:54:47.000 Not doing anything.
00:54:48.000 Not doing anything. 0.97
00:54:51.000 Yeah, this ain't shit. 0.98
00:54:53.000 Okay. 0.99
00:54:54.000 Investigates, cheaters, is it all a hoax?
00:54:56.000 Each week, millions of viewers, blah, blah, blah.
00:54:58.000 Every episode, blah, blah, blah.
00:55:01.000 Bobby Goldstein, the show's owner, executive producer, is adamant that every episode is real. 1.00
00:55:06.000 Bobby Goldstein, you're so full of shit. 1.00
00:55:09.000 Bobby Goldstein, you're a fucking liar, dude. 1.00
00:55:12.000 It's Goldstein. 1.00
00:55:12.000 Bobby Goldstein, the show's owner and executive producer, is adamant that every episode is real. 1.00
00:55:19.000 Yes, you're showing real people.
00:55:21.000 Those are real people.
00:55:23.000 They're not holograms.
00:55:24.000 They're not cartoons.
00:55:25.000 No, no, it's real. 1.00
00:55:25.000 But they're acting, motherfucker. 1.00
00:55:27.000 Come on, man. 1.00
00:55:28.000 There's some re-shot scenes left and right on that show.
00:55:32.000 It's obvious. 1.00
00:55:33.000 Shut the fuck up, whore. 1.00
00:55:36.000 I was gonna say. 1.00
00:55:38.000 What the fuck is she talking? 0.99
00:55:40.000 That's the Inside Edition, Brad. 1.00
00:55:41.000 That's probably what she's going to say. 1.00
00:55:44.000 That's a goddamn lie. 0.99
00:55:45.000 Let that load up and I'll hear what she has to say. 1.00
00:55:47.000 Are you taking my mom's internet show?
00:55:49.000 No, I did.
00:55:50.000 This is just like it.
00:55:51.000 While it's running the website, while it's running the webcam, I've got no juice.
00:55:54.000 I've got nothing.
00:55:56.000 The whole thing was fabricated.
00:55:58.000 Correct, says Wyatt.
00:55:59.000 All right, so it's not real at all, says Carrie Wyatt, who tells Inside Edition she was paid $500 to appear in an episode of Cheaters.
00:56:07.000 She said she was asked to pretend that she was having a tort affair with one guy while she was engaged to another.
00:56:13.000 Huh.
00:56:14.000 Well, that's a different story, though.
00:56:17.000 But they're saying against what that guy said that every episode's real.
00:56:20.000 They're just breaking that what he's saying is fake.
00:56:23.000 Oh, you...
00:56:24.000 Hold on. 1.00
00:56:24.000 Inside Edition, your website sucks. 1.00
00:56:26.000 Is this really an inside of this website? 1.00
00:56:28.000 Yes, look.
00:56:28.000 You have to hit on this little...
00:56:30.000 Put your cursor over this arrow to get your text to scroll down.
00:56:34.000 I hate that.
00:56:34.000 This is a link you follow from the other guy's website.
00:56:36.000 I wonder if this is all fake.
00:56:38.000 Dude, look at it.
00:56:38.000 No, this is insideedition.com.
00:56:40.000 Inside Edition has the worst website ever.
00:56:42.000 Look, it's Flash-based.
00:56:43.000 You have to hold your cursor over that. 0.99
00:56:44.000 I fucking hate Flash. 0.98
00:56:45.000 I'm done with Flash. 0.99
00:56:46.000 This is the weakest thing I've ever seen.
00:56:48.000 Oh, you can't take it and scroll down?
00:56:49.000 No.
00:56:50.000 You can't use your scroller. 1.00
00:56:52.000 You have to use their stupid thing, and you have to figure it out. 0.99
00:56:54.000 I thought that that was the whole article. 0.99
00:56:56.000 Because it's actually cut off.
00:56:58.000 It doesn't even say more at the bottom.
00:56:59.000 Shame on you, Inside Edition. 1.00
00:57:01.000 Your whole website sucks. 1.00
00:57:04.000 So we're going to move off of it, bitch. 1.00
00:57:09.000 But I think I would have to go with that was a hoax. 0.99
00:57:12.000 Totally.
00:57:13.000 And re-watch it sometime.
00:57:14.000 Watch when he's getting choked.
00:57:16.000 And just watch his arm.
00:57:16.000 If you're getting choked, your arm's not just going to be gently resting on your side.
00:57:20.000 Hold on.
00:57:20.000 This fella, Johnny Bananas, has a question.
00:57:22.000 It says, What do you think about the suicide bomber that was a CIA double agent? 0.99
00:57:27.000 What the fuck is he talking about? 1.00
00:57:28.000 Dude, Kim Trails. 1.00
00:57:29.000 Jordan.
00:57:31.000 Oh, the guy who killed all the CIA people?
00:57:32.000 He was a double agent?
00:57:33.000 Is that what it was?
00:57:34.000 He was recruited by the Jordanians.
00:57:36.000 Jordanians? 0.93
00:57:37.000 Jordanians, I think.
00:57:38.000 And he was a CIA agent as well.
00:57:40.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:57:41.000 He killed a bunch of really high-level guys, right?
00:57:44.000 Yeah, I guess.
00:57:44.000 Yeah.
00:57:45.000 Something like that.
00:57:46.000 Those are like news stories.
00:57:48.000 He killed... 1.00
00:57:48.000 Damn. 1.00
00:57:49.000 Yeah, so he was recruited by the CIA through the Jordanians, and they're like, no, the Jordanians never got him back, or I don't know what the story was. 0.99
00:57:55.000 I can't, I'm so hot I can't even type.
00:58:06.000 I'm Googling the CIA suicide bomber news ticker. 0.99
00:58:10.000 This is some crazy shit, ladies and gentlemen. 0.98
00:58:13.000 In the meantime, look at this, guys. 0.99
00:58:15.000 That's marijuana, sody pop.
00:58:17.000 Root buzz. 0.76
00:58:20.000 I don't like it.
00:58:22.000 I don't like the feeling.
00:58:23.000 It's one of those almost like narcotic feelings.
00:58:28.000 You ever have one of these sodas?
00:58:31.000 I don't like edibles as much anymore.
00:58:34.000 Period.
00:58:34.000 Really?
00:58:35.000 Yeah, I don't feel like tripping. 0.99
00:58:36.000 I just want to get a little high and think about some shit. 0.96
00:58:39.000 I don't want to invest that much day. 1.00
00:58:43.000 This is crazy shit. 0.99
00:58:45.000 There was a dude who was a CIA double agent. 1.00
00:58:47.000 He was the suicide bomber.
00:58:50.000 He blew himself up.
00:58:51.000 What does that mean, double agent?
00:58:54.000 Well, he was working for the CIA, pretending to be a CIA, and also working for, I guess, Al-Qaeda, or the Taliban, or whoever the hell it is, who sent him to blow everybody up.
00:59:06.000 But he was a CIA agent.
00:59:08.000 He was in.
00:59:10.000 So that's how he killed so many of them.
00:59:11.000 Where was it?
00:59:12.000 Where did it happen?
00:59:13.000 I don't know.
00:59:13.000 It's loading up.
00:59:14.000 I think it said Jordan.
00:59:15.000 Jordan.
00:59:19.000 Yeah, I guess.
00:59:21.000 CIA operatives killed by double aging. 1.00
00:59:27.000 That's pretty intense shit, man. 0.99
00:59:29.000 A suicide bomber who killed seven central intelligence agency operatives in Afghanistan last week was a Jordanian double agent who lured them into a meeting by promising information on Al-Qaeda leaders, a former U.S. intelligence official said. 0.99
00:59:45.000 So he lured them in and just blew himself up.
00:59:50.000 He got them to come to him, he's going to give them some information, and they're all in the room and he just went BOOM! The bomber had been arrested more than a year ago by Jordanian authorities who thought they had convinced him to work for them.
01:00:02.000 So the Jordanians thought they had gotten him to work for the Jordanians.
01:00:06.000 Wow.
01:00:08.000 They thought they convinced him to work for them.
01:00:09.000 But that's the Jordanian good guys. 0.99
01:00:10.000 Yeah, but how the fuck, well supposedly, how the fuck did they talk him into doing that? 0.98
01:00:15.000 He only got arrested a year ago. 0.98
01:00:18.000 So they had him for a year?
01:00:19.000 I thought he would be providing good intelligence. 1.00
01:00:22.000 God damn. 1.00
01:00:25.000 What a loaster that guy is, huh? 1.00
01:00:28.000 He gets friends with him, gets them all in a room, and then goes, and just does the whole thing. 1.00
01:00:34.000 Just fucking blows himself up. 0.99
01:00:37.000 How crazy is that? 1.00
01:00:40.000 Oh, this is Brian's new kitty.
01:00:42.000 You gotta see this, folks.
01:00:44.000 Brian's got a new kitty cat. 1.00
01:00:46.000 Let me see this fucking glare. 1.00
01:00:48.000 Can you see it? 1.00
01:00:49.000 Is it a short-haired Persian? 1.00
01:00:50.000 Is that what it is, Brian?
01:00:51.000 Yeah, exotic short-haired.
01:00:53.000 Where's the gun from?
01:00:54.000 There's too much glare for this.
01:00:55.000 Oh, you know what? 1.00
01:00:56.000 I'm stupid. 1.00
01:00:57.000 Let me move this. 0.99
01:01:03.000 Something goes into my girlfriend's work as a breeder. 0.99
01:01:07.000 Said she had kittens and that Jessica wanted any.
01:01:10.000 And I was thinking just kittens.
01:01:12.000 And then she showed me it.
01:01:14.000 I was like, oh my god, that's like a real cat.
01:01:17.000 And I had to get it.
01:01:18.000 I suppose to what?
01:01:19.000 It's like a tomcat type thing.
01:01:21.000 We had such a good time with Tang last week.
01:01:24.000 She was still a cat hour.
01:01:25.000 You should get him a friend or something.
01:01:27.000 Cats like having friends, man.
01:01:29.000 My cat is a friend.
01:01:31.000 You have to have friends.
01:01:33.000 It's cool when there's like life all around you too.
01:01:35.000 When you're at home and you're anywhere you go there's something going on like a creature's like trying to create something or do something.
01:01:41.000 That's what I feel living on Sunset.
01:01:43.000 This man says Joey Greco is not his real name.
01:01:46.000 Wow.
01:01:46.000 Well that doesn't matter.
01:01:48.000 Well that doesn't matter.
01:01:49.000 No!
01:01:49.000 He's allowed to change his name.
01:01:50.000 He's like Carl Sanzia. 1.00
01:01:51.000 He's fucking faking the funk. 1.00
01:01:53.000 Ari Shafir. 1.00
01:01:54.000 How many times have people mispronounced your name? 1.00
01:01:56.000 But that's your fucking name son. 1.00
01:01:58.000 That's a part of who you are. 1.00
01:01:59.000 You can't change your name.
01:02:00.000 You should never change your name.
01:02:01.000 Arnold Schwarzenegger is Arnold Schwarzenegger.
01:02:04.000 That's part of the flavor. 0.99
01:02:05.000 He's got this fucked up name. 0.99
01:02:07.000 That's part of the thing. 1.00
01:02:09.000 It defines who you are.
01:02:10.000 Here's the thing about cheaters.
01:02:12.000 Start watching it and just notice how there's never really good punches.
01:02:17.000 There's never good punches.
01:02:18.000 When the boyfriends fight...
01:02:19.000 Bob Dylan.
01:02:21.000 People change their names all the time.
01:02:24.000 Bob Dylan was like Joey Kuykenstein.
01:02:26.000 That's a really Joey name. 1.00
01:02:28.000 See, Bob Dylan, he's a fucking self-hating Jew. 1.00
01:02:30.000 He could have been good. 1.00
01:02:30.000 He could have been good if he had just... 1.00
01:02:32.000 If he just stuck with his name, what did you say it was?
01:02:35.000 Joey Kuykenstein.
01:02:36.000 Joey Kuykenstein.
01:02:37.000 If he stuck with Joey Kuykenstein and just still rocked the house just that hard, maybe they would have just...
01:02:42.000 They would have said, you know what? 1.00
01:02:43.000 Look, Janice Joppa became famous and she was fat and ugly as fuck. 1.00
01:02:47.000 She had a big, fat, stupid face. 1.00
01:02:49.000 Was that her real name? 1.00
01:02:49.000 She was so good. 1.00
01:02:50.000 I don't know.
01:02:51.000 What?
01:02:51.000 What?
01:02:55.000 I'm totally off the track. 0.99
01:02:57.000 I'm not even going to the heart of the argument, which is her fucking name itself. 0.99
01:03:02.000 You're like, you know who else is cool? 0.99
01:03:03.000 I'm like, she didn't wear makeup.
01:03:05.000 And I'm like, ah, Nissan's.
01:03:06.000 Talk about circuitous arguing.
01:03:09.000 That's like the chemtrail, crop trails argument.
01:03:12.000 Just tell you something else and you're like, okay, I guess that's right.
01:03:15.000 Man, I watched a documentary last night on Ancient Aliens on the History Channel.
01:03:19.000 I ordered it on DVD. It's...
01:03:21.000 Eddie Bravo is just always constantly talking about aliens.
01:03:25.000 Ancient aliens?
01:03:26.000 There comes a certain point in time where someone is so obsessed with aliens, you run the risk of...
01:03:31.000 Why don't you marry an alien? 1.00
01:03:32.000 Yeah, you run the risk of not wanting to even consider aliens anymore.
01:03:36.000 It's not real.
01:03:38.000 It's not possible.
01:03:39.000 But it's so possible.
01:03:41.000 It's possible.
01:03:42.000 You know what's more possible when you watch these videos?
01:03:45.000 These ancient alien videos where they talk about these ancient structures and what technology put these together? 0.84
01:03:51.000 I think if you just look around at the evidence, there's not that much evidence that aliens have landed, but there's a lot of evidence that life on this planet has been fucking seriously jacked at least three or four times.
01:04:03.000 Like big ones that we know about, like mass extinctions.
01:04:06.000 You know, that's just mass extinctions.
01:04:11.000 Is the call coming from inside the house?
01:04:13.000 Jeff Sussman Management.
01:04:14.000 This is my management. 0.99
01:04:15.000 They don't even know that I'm fucking on a podcast. 0.95
01:04:17.000 I would think that Jeff Sussman Management would be aware of my podcasting from 3 to 5 on Ustream today. 0.97
01:04:23.000 It started at 3.30.
01:04:26.000 Chandra.
01:04:28.000 Well, that's the best way.
01:04:30.000 We're all going to become one on Twitter.
01:04:32.000 I'm on the podcast.
01:04:34.000 I'll call you later.
01:04:35.000 Bye.
01:04:35.000 That was my manager, Chandra.
01:04:37.000 You're a very nice lady.
01:04:38.000 She's on the Twitter.
01:04:40.000 She said that's how she finds out my schedule.
01:04:44.000 I don't even talk to my manager.
01:04:45.000 You're just Twitter?
01:04:46.000 Real fun?
01:04:47.000 I talk to them occasionally.
01:04:49.000 Sometimes I'm elusive.
01:04:52.000 What's up, Brian?
01:04:54.000 Stone.
01:04:55.000 A little bit, huh?
01:04:56.000 Let's take some questions from the field, ladies and gentlemen.
01:05:00.000 Why am I going to educate Dana and Zufa on copyright? 0.91
01:05:04.000 Well, I am a retard.
01:05:08.000 I'm not educating anybody on anything.
01:05:10.000 On copyright?
01:05:10.000 Yeah.
01:05:11.000 What is that?
01:05:11.000 Copyright law, I think, because the UFC is threatening to sue all these people that take illegal downloads of the UFC. They're just threatening.
01:05:22.000 Yeah, they're just going through those phases.
01:05:24.000 Well, they're talking about putting people in jail.
01:05:25.000 Yeah, and the threat of that is enough to get most people to stop.
01:05:28.000 They're going to make some examples and stuff.
01:05:29.000 They're going to throw some people in jail. 1.00
01:05:30.000 That's what the L.A. guy said about pot stores, the L.A. sheriff, whatever.
01:05:35.000 They're like, you're going to shut down all 900?
01:05:36.000 He goes, won't have to.
01:05:38.000 Shut down a few.
01:05:39.000 Don't close.
01:05:40.000 Yeah, he's right, too.
01:05:41.000 Yeah.
01:05:42.000 He's going to risk going to jail without just going down the block.
01:05:44.000 No one's going to risk it.
01:05:46.000 There was a dude that was in Eddie's school that was selling...
01:05:49.000 He was all licensed and legal and everything like that, but he decided it was too risky.
01:05:53.000 It is, and it's like you think, it's like, no, Obama won't, eh.
01:05:56.000 It's not, you never know.
01:05:57.000 There's a lot of people deciding how to interpret that law.
01:06:00.000 You know, the interesting thing is it's moving along.
01:06:03.000 There's, on Tuesday the 12th, there's some vote in California, it's on the message board, where they're talking about trying to vote to move towards legalizing it.
01:06:13.000 I'm not a registered voter.
01:06:17.000 You've got to participate in a fake game.
01:06:20.000 After Obama, I swear to God, I thought before Obama was in office, I was like, you know what, this is going to be very different.
01:06:27.000 We have a black guy, he's a liberal.
01:06:30.000 I'm like, at the very least, it'll be good for the consciousness of the country. 0.99
01:06:33.000 They'll have a leader, they'll have someone to look up to that's more peaceful and has their shit together more, can speak better and is black and has been through a rough childhood and everything. 0.99
01:06:43.000 But he's doing the same shit that they all do. 1.00
01:06:45.000 He's doing the same exact shit. 1.00
01:06:47.000 It's almost like they have all these ideas and they get into office. 0.99
01:06:50.000 They realize it's not as easy to make it happen.
01:06:52.000 But it's not just not easy.
01:06:53.000 You've got a majority of Congress.
01:06:54.000 He has to go along with things, like sending the troops to Afghanistan, sending this extra 30,000.
01:06:58.000 Yeah.
01:06:59.000 At some point, he realized, what choice do I have?
01:07:01.000 I can't just pull everybody out and make it a huge vacuum and just have it destroy itself.
01:07:04.000 That's true, but...
01:07:05.000 You can't just leave.
01:07:06.000 Yeah, I can't.
01:07:07.000 And then he realized, I can make this problem.
01:07:08.000 It's way past the year. 1.00
01:07:10.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:07:11.000 Well, not way past, but there's certainly more truth to this. 1.00
01:07:13.000 But they talk about how it would become a hotbed for terrorists if we left.
01:07:16.000 It's a hotbed now.
01:07:17.000 That whole Middle East is mad at us. 1.00
01:07:20.000 That whole Middle East is mad at us. 1.00
01:07:22.000 And it's like now, it's like once you start bullying someone and you start pushing them, once they go down, you've got to keep pushing them.
01:07:29.000 You know, that's what's going on right now.
01:07:31.000 You've got to keep them down. 1.00
01:07:32.000 No fuck you, you've got to keep them down. 1.00
01:07:33.000 Because if they rise up, and they don't get something to eat, and they take a nap, and they come back refreshed, they're going to punch you in the fucking face, you know? 1.00
01:07:40.000 You're going to walk out of a restaurant, and that guy's going to be right there. 0.99
01:07:42.000 Hey, I want to talk about what we had to talk about earlier.
01:07:44.000 I heard this thing at NPR, the people that are being released now and sent to Yemen, and they're worried about them reintegrating.
01:07:51.000 But they said, the problem is, no one will give them jobs there, because they're like, ugh, whatever, and they're becoming disillusioned.
01:07:58.000 And leaning on people like Al-Qaeda and saying, oh, well, help me.
01:08:01.000 It's like they're newly being recruited.
01:08:02.000 Like, maybe they were wrongly accused before, but it's like... 1.00
01:08:04.000 So it's like their life is such shit. 0.99
01:08:06.000 Yeah, no one gets a job. 1.00
01:08:07.000 If they could have gone in the right direction, they don't.
01:08:09.000 They just become angry.
01:08:10.000 Well, because, like, I can't get a job. 0.99
01:08:12.000 I'm fucking wasted eight years of my life. 0.96
01:08:14.000 What am I supposed to do? 0.98
01:08:15.000 You know, if someone else is offering you jobs and telling you all this stuff, it sounds right. 1.00
01:08:19.000 God, what a shit place to live. 1.00
01:08:22.000 Could you fucking imagine? 1.00
01:08:24.000 Could you imagine how lucky you are that you weren't born in the middle of a war zone? 0.98
01:08:29.000 I bet in places like that, Simpsons only comes out like once a day instead of twice.
01:08:33.000 What must it like to be pregnant? 0.99
01:08:36.000 To be a pregnant woman living in Afghanistan?
01:08:38.000 How crazy must that be?
01:08:40.000 The feeling of vulnerability, the constant stress and shaking.
01:08:44.000 I mean, that would be just absolutely horrifying.
01:08:46.000 Morning sickness.
01:08:50.000 What?
01:08:51.000 Tuesday, January 12th, members of California...
01:08:55.000 That's what they always do, dude.
01:08:56.000 California Assembly will hold a historic vote on statewide marijuana policy.
01:09:00.000 Members of the Public Safety Committee will decide on Assembly Bill 390, the Marijuana Control, Regulation, and Education Act, which seeks to regulate and control the production...
01:09:14.000 Distribution and personal use of marijuana for adults aged 20 or older.
01:09:17.000 The problem is all these things are just wide open, so it's really open to interpretation.
01:09:21.000 You know, no cash sales, no, it's like, what else is being, and then they really want to narrow it down now.
01:09:26.000 What's legal, what's not legal.
01:09:27.000 And if they did open it up legally, statewide, it wouldn't be much different.
01:09:32.000 It's very easy to get a recommendation.
01:09:35.000 The recommendation's not the problem.
01:09:37.000 It's just selling the pot.
01:09:39.000 That's why they're going to shut down, not doctors giving up.
01:09:42.000 Yeah, but with these guys, what they're saying is they're trying to legalize it.
01:09:45.000 This is not about medical.
01:09:47.000 This is about legalization of personal use.
01:09:49.000 This is a totally different situation.
01:09:51.000 They're talking about taxing it and trying to make money out of it.
01:09:56.000 Which needs to regulate and control the production, distribution, and personal use of marriage. 0.98
01:10:00.000 Yeah.
01:10:01.000 It's not medical.
01:10:02.000 They're not talking about medical marijuana. 0.99
01:10:04.000 Federally, medical marijuana doesn't exist, and that's what fucks you. 0.98
01:10:08.000 That's what happened to Todd McCormick when he got arrested. 0.66
01:10:10.000 He got to court, and in court, they told him that you can't even use the term medical marijuana.
01:10:17.000 How wacky is that?
01:10:18.000 You can't even say it.
01:10:20.000 They say, were you selling marijuana?
01:10:22.000 And you go, yes, I was selling marijuana under the assumption that it was legal because Proposition 250. They don't want to hear a fucking word of that. 0.99
01:10:31.000 They go, shut the fuck up. 1.00
01:10:32.000 Were you selling marijuana? 1.00
01:10:33.000 You were?
01:10:34.000 Good.
01:10:34.000 What is this?
01:10:35.000 Brody!
01:10:36.000 What is this co-host?
01:10:37.000 Brody wants to tell a co-op.
01:10:39.000 What is this?
01:10:40.000 That means that he can be in a camera on the side, so you can look at his face.
01:10:44.000 Who is this guy?
01:10:45.000 Brody Stevens.
01:10:46.000 That's Brody?
01:10:46.000 Isn't it?
01:10:47.000 No.
01:10:47.000 Oh, never mind.
01:10:49.000 Boredom?
01:10:49.000 Boredom strikes.
01:10:50.000 What are you, blind?
01:10:50.000 I am blind.
01:10:52.000 No, I can't.
01:10:52.000 Let him co-host.
01:10:53.000 No, I don't want to let this guy co-host. 0.99
01:10:54.000 He might be crazy.
01:10:55.000 I don't think my internet can handle it.
01:10:57.000 How do you just, somebody can just join, just anybody can get on that?
01:11:01.000 Well, now we know.
01:11:02.000 Now we know that you can try to co-host.
01:11:04.000 The problem is if you have somebody that's going to want to, you'll be like, oh yeah, sure, come sit in with it.
01:11:07.000 But then the problem is you've got a million people who are requesting it.
01:11:11.000 Oh, then that'll go crazy.
01:11:12.000 You need a direct line.
01:11:13.000 I think eventually everyone's going to have their own reality show.
01:11:16.000 That's my vision of the apocalypse.
01:11:19.000 We'll all have a reality show.
01:11:21.000 We'll all have a channel.
01:11:23.000 We'll all have a channel.
01:11:24.000 I mean, basically, that's what we're doing right now.
01:11:27.000 Well, once you get the internet, you can have up to six co-hosts where anyone can have their face on the side and you can just mute them.
01:11:34.000 But if you want to ask them a question, you can join them in on the conversation.
01:11:37.000 Oh, I like that.
01:11:38.000 But we're waiting on your internet. 1.00
01:11:40.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
01:11:41.000 So we could have an interview like Mayhem and stuff like that. 1.00
01:11:44.000 Oh, that would be beautiful.
01:11:45.000 We could have a bunch of people in it.
01:11:47.000 We have a bunch of windows and they could all open up the different windows.
01:11:50.000 Right.
01:11:50.000 And they could be watching all at the same time.
01:11:51.000 We could move it like Hollywood Squares.
01:11:54.000 Right.
01:11:55.000 We'll go to Whoopi Goldberg.
01:11:57.000 Right.
01:11:57.000 Whoopi.
01:11:58.000 And we could also put desktop overlaid on this cam if we wanted to so you could show things. 0.97
01:12:03.000 Goddammit. 0.75
01:12:03.000 Things are getting crazy. 0.75
01:12:07.000 Pretty cool, right?
01:12:08.000 I just think about 10 years ago you couldn't even do something like this.
01:12:12.000 Yeah.
01:12:13.000 There was nothing.
01:12:14.000 There was no Twitter. 1.00
01:12:15.000 The webcam shows were just blurry pictures of fucked up girls showing you their pussy and you had to be in their membership to get that, right? 1.00
01:12:23.000 Slow. 1.00
01:12:24.000 Those bitches went out of business with the internet. 1.00
01:12:26.000 They blossomed those cam girls, but then that shit just rotted on the vine. 1.00
01:12:31.000 I miss that though, because you remember when you used to have like that one cam girl, and it would be like a whole group of people that were all just like, look at this, she's going to, you know. 0.99
01:12:39.000 Well, you know who's really cool is that crazy Amber chick. 1.00
01:12:41.000 She was really cool.
01:12:42.000 It was just the 60s.
01:12:43.000 It was a modern day, like, Well, this chick would do real porns. 1.00
01:12:48.000 Really?
01:12:48.000 Her and her boyfriend would do porns and put them on the internet.
01:12:50.000 She didn't give a fuck. 1.00
01:12:51.000 I followed this one where it was a girl that just had her camera on 24 hours a day and it was just her and her husband living in New York. 1.00
01:12:56.000 But they would have fucking straight on... 0.99
01:12:57.000 When they had sex, they would have sex right on the camera. 0.99
01:13:00.000 But other than that, it was just them living their life. 0.83
01:13:02.000 24 hours a day. 1.00
01:13:03.000 Holy shit! 1.00
01:13:04.000 And now she got to stop that and now she's a successful author and she's trying to erase her past, you know, so no one knows about her. 1.00
01:13:11.000 Oh really?
01:13:12.000 So no one knows it's her? 1.00
01:13:13.000 Did anybody save the video of her and her husband fucking? 0.99
01:13:17.000 I don't know, but Google Cash is wonders. 0.99
01:13:20.000 I'm not going to say your name now.
01:13:22.000 Would you say Cash Wonders?
01:13:24.000 Google Cash.
01:13:25.000 Google Cash?
01:13:26.000 If you go to Google and type in internet history, there's a thing that comes up called the Wayback Machine.
01:13:31.000 You can type in your website and see what it looked like back in 1985. Isn't that incredible?
01:13:37.000 Google is fucking, we were just talking about this, me and my tech friend that wires my house, he was like, Google is like, they have so much power. 0.99
01:13:46.000 It's almost like, if Google were evil, we wouldn't even see them coming, and they document everything. 1.00
01:13:53.000 If there's an artificial intelligence out there, it's Google.
01:13:57.000 You know?
01:13:57.000 Google is a weird company, man.
01:13:59.000 I mean, they're so powerful.
01:14:01.000 It's Terminator.
01:14:02.000 They do mail.
01:14:04.000 They do searching. 1.00
01:14:05.000 They do your fucking maps. 0.99
01:14:07.000 They do what your house looks like from space. 1.00
01:14:09.000 I think Longitude is the scariest one.
01:14:11.000 The one where it just tracks where you are throughout the whole day so you can look at it and see like, oh, I was here, here, here the whole day.
01:14:18.000 And it records that information, puts it in some kind of database to see where people are going, you know. 0.99
01:14:23.000 That's fucking crazy. 0.95
01:14:25.000 That you would ever sign up for that, too. 1.00
01:14:27.000 It's fucking crazy, man. 0.99
01:14:29.000 The whole Google thing. 0.99
01:14:30.000 They seem like a nice company.
01:14:32.000 By the way, that's why GPS on the Google phone is kind of scary because if you use Google, what is Google doing with that information?
01:14:42.000 There's a way for them to use that information if you're using your G-maps, you know?
01:14:47.000 Right.
01:14:47.000 Talk about where people are going and when they're going.
01:14:50.000 My theory is...
01:14:51.000 You're running it through Google now.
01:14:53.000 You're running your GPS through Google.
01:14:54.000 I'm okay with that.
01:14:55.000 You know what's really cute though?
01:14:56.000 What if they were evil and they decided, well, let's just have a lovable name like Google.
01:15:02.000 Colorful.
01:15:02.000 We work really hard on our image.
01:15:04.000 We work really hard on being green and eco-conscious and we really pay our employees well.
01:15:10.000 They're all swell, but they're just ruthless monsters.
01:15:13.000 What if it's the government? 0.86
01:15:14.000 What if it is the Google?
01:15:15.000 That's like Area 57 branch. 0.99
01:15:17.000 No shit. 0.98
01:15:18.000 What if they like developed? 1.00
01:15:20.000 Please do not boycott Google because of these idiots. 0.99
01:15:23.000 What if they sat down and looked at the trends that humanity is participating in, like look where things are going technologically and said, you know what? 1.00
01:15:32.000 And they got the best scientists on it and they said, this is where we think things are going.
01:15:36.000 We think things are going to an online-based email service so you can access it from multiple ports.
01:15:41.000 We think things are going to...
01:15:43.000 And they just started listing all these things and Google's out there.
01:15:45.000 What if it's people from the future making sure we're going along the right path?
01:15:49.000 What if Mr. Jeeves was trying to save us the whole time?
01:15:52.000 Yeah.
01:15:52.000 And he was just like this butler trying to be our friend.
01:15:55.000 And we was like, fuck you, Mr. Jeeves. 1.00
01:15:57.000 Fuck you, bitch. 1.00
01:15:58.000 Fuck, I'm saying it. 1.00
01:15:59.000 I am going out of business. 1.00
01:16:00.000 I don't talk to the hell. 0.99
01:16:01.000 I don't want to ask you something because how come it's not more goddamn... 0.98
01:16:04.000 I have answers. 0.88
01:16:06.000 Yoo-hoo, anyone?
01:16:07.000 Yoo-hoo! 1.00
01:16:07.000 How many hits does Ask Jeeves get a day? 1.00
01:16:09.000 I don't know, but remember Webcrawler?
01:16:12.000 Remember Webcrawler?
01:16:13.000 No, I don't remember.
01:16:14.000 That used to be like a pre-Google.
01:16:16.000 It was like back in the day, webcrawler.com.
01:16:18.000 I kind of remember that now.
01:16:21.000 Barely.
01:16:21.000 I remember realizing that I didn't have to get online through AOL. That was a great day, wasn't it?
01:16:28.000 Yeah.
01:16:28.000 I was like, what?
01:16:29.000 There's another thing?
01:16:30.000 I was like, oh my god, but that's like space.
01:16:31.000 That's like the wilderness.
01:16:33.000 Right.
01:16:33.000 You have mail.
01:16:34.000 I'm going to take a browser and I'm going to go on my own.
01:16:36.000 And how do I get my email now? 0.91
01:16:37.000 I have to write all that shit into a program and then get it from the... 0.99
01:16:40.000 Oh wow, that was crazy. 0.98
01:16:41.000 Remember when you first figured out you didn't have to use Internet Explorer?
01:16:44.000 I can use Firefox?
01:16:45.000 Or something else?
01:16:47.000 Netscape?
01:16:48.000 Just went under.
01:16:49.000 A few months ago they finally closed shop.
01:16:52.000 Wow.
01:16:53.000 Isn't it crazy?
01:16:54.000 Once on top of the world, once huge, now irrelevant.
01:16:57.000 And so quickly.
01:16:58.000 Within a decade.
01:17:00.000 Gone.
01:17:01.000 You know, so much technology and so many things that were invented, like CDs, that just have this really short life. 0.93
01:17:10.000 Like, there's gonna come a point in time when no one gives a fuck. 0.54
01:17:12.000 Flash drives hold a fuckload more, and everything's gonna have a USB port. 0.99
01:17:16.000 Shut up. 0.99
01:17:17.000 You know? 1.00
01:17:17.000 It's like, CDs are like really hot chicks that got old. 1.00
01:17:21.000 Now they have no power.
01:17:23.000 Poor Laserdisc.
01:17:24.000 Poor Laserdisc.
01:17:25.000 I miss my Laserdisc.
01:17:26.000 Dave Foley was a big Laserdisc fan.
01:17:29.000 Even when Laserdisc was dying, he was buying up really good movies.
01:17:32.000 Me too.
01:17:33.000 I got Terminator, Beauty and the Beast.
01:17:35.000 It can't be better visual quality than Blu-ray though.
01:17:39.000 It's not better than Blu-ray, but it was better than CD. It's kind of like how records were better than CD. But it's better than DVD, image-wise?
01:17:48.000 Yeah.
01:17:49.000 Sounds better, too.
01:17:51.000 Blu-ray is so insane, man.
01:17:53.000 Blu-ray is so insane.
01:17:54.000 HD is so insane.
01:17:55.000 Anything in movies in HD now, it's just getting so crazy. 1.00
01:18:00.000 This fucking avatar, man. 1.00
01:18:01.000 Wait till you see this shit. 1.00
01:18:03.000 Whew! 1.00
01:18:05.000 Like, visually, it's like, whoa!
01:18:07.000 I didn't even see three.
01:18:08.000 A lot of people I know said that they want to go back into that world and live there.
01:18:11.000 Whatever the world is. 1.00
01:18:12.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00
01:18:12.000 That's what I said. 1.00
01:18:13.000 I said I want to fuck that blue chick. 1.00
01:18:14.000 That's the future, though. 1.00
01:18:15.000 We're going to have fucking masks or wires in our brains. 1.00
01:18:18.000 We're like, pick the Avatar. 1.00
01:18:20.000 Yeah, you'll be able to go places.
01:18:22.000 2009. You'll be able to go places.
01:18:25.000 What do I think of Coast to Coast with Art Bell? 0.99
01:18:27.000 That's the greatest fucking radio show in the history of the universe, man. 0.99
01:18:31.000 Every now and then they get some lame psychic on talking stupid shit, but for the most part it's all people that knew Bigfoot and dudes who used to be werewolves but they got cured. 0.99
01:18:42.000 By the way, if you want to know more about what they were talking about, go to Ask Jeeves and enter Google Conspiracies and the first link will tell you all about it. 0.98
01:18:50.000 Oh, there's a conspiracy site about it?
01:18:52.000 Uh-huh, Google conspiracy.
01:18:53.000 Why would I think that...
01:18:54.000 See, this is a thing great minds think alike, whoever you are out there that thinks like us.
01:18:59.000 From November 22nd, 2002. Is it?
01:19:02.000 That's hilarious.
01:19:03.000 We're so lame.
01:19:05.000 That was eight years ago.
01:19:07.000 We're just going, man, you not believe what I figured out, bro. 0.99
01:19:10.000 If you fucking keep food cold, it lasts longer. 0.98
01:19:14.000 That's hilarious. 1.00
01:19:16.000 If you keep food cold, it lasts longer.
01:19:23.000 Growing on it.
01:19:24.000 Of course that's good for you.
01:19:26.000 I said if you keep it cold it lasts longer.
01:19:27.000 That's funny too. 1.00
01:19:29.000 That's so dumb. 1.00
01:19:31.000 Of course, there had to be a million people. 1.00
01:19:33.000 People think there's a conspiracy in everything. 0.99
01:19:36.000 The 9-11 people, man, those are hard fucking conversations. 0.96
01:19:41.000 Here's a conversation that's always like, but maybe, and then night just tune out. 0.98
01:19:45.000 Maybe doesn't mean anything.
01:19:47.000 Well, the problem is, if it was really, but maybe, I'll have that conversation with you.
01:19:51.000 You know, if you say, maybe the government, you know, really arranged that building to be blown up.
01:19:57.000 Yeah, maybe Bayer's arranged it.
01:19:59.000 But, you know, when someone says maybe, but the problem is, they don't say that. 0.92
01:20:03.000 They go, maybe the government doesn't give a fuck about you, and they plotted this, and they're attached to that idea. 0.94
01:20:10.000 They don't know if it happened. 0.95
01:20:11.000 There's information that makes everything... 0.99
01:20:12.000 And then bring pussies and not even saying it. 1.00
01:20:14.000 It's like, fucking, do you believe that? 1.00
01:20:15.000 Because you sound like you do. 1.00
01:20:16.000 Quit saying maybe.
01:20:17.000 Say, I think they did this. 0.93
01:20:18.000 Yeah, but, yeah, I think they just know that that's a ridiculous argument. 0.92
01:20:22.000 It's too hard. 0.99
01:20:22.000 Nobody knows what the fuck happened. 0.99
01:20:24.000 But the idea that it was some gigantic fucking conspiracy that thousands and thousands of people were in on, I'm not sure that a few people didn't know that something was going to happen. 0.98
01:20:33.000 But the idea that this many people had to be together and put... 1.00
01:20:36.000 What the fuck are you doing? 0.99
01:20:37.000 I don't know. 1.00
01:20:38.000 My phone just started playing music. 1.00
01:20:40.000 Your phone's gay as fuck, bro. 1.00
01:20:42.000 What song was it? 1.00
01:20:43.000 I'm not gonna even say.
01:20:44.000 Was it Lily Allen?
01:20:45.000 Huh?
01:20:46.000 What was it?
01:20:46.000 Oh, that's what it was, an alarm.
01:20:48.000 Was it an alarm?
01:20:48.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:20:49.000 Well, what song was it?
01:20:50.000 No, I don't want to talk about it.
01:20:51.000 Just tell me the song.
01:20:52.000 I didn't download it.
01:20:54.000 This is a funny hug.
01:20:56.000 What song was it?
01:20:57.000 Lady Gaga.
01:20:58.000 Oh my god, that is embarrassing.
01:21:00.000 Did you hear Carmen?
01:21:01.000 Did you like it?
01:21:02.000 No, I didn't.
01:21:03.000 Kara-yoking Lady Gaga.
01:21:04.000 My girlfriend put it on there. 1.00
01:21:05.000 Why did your girl put Lady Gaga on your fucking cell? 1.00
01:21:08.000 Because my phone connects to my car, so when we get in the car, it's kind of like our jukebox, and so she throws music on my phone all the time. 0.99
01:21:15.000 My girlfriend put it on there.
01:21:16.000 It's a modern day, I ran into a wall.
01:21:20.000 You know what happened?
01:21:21.000 Dog ate my homework.
01:21:22.000 You like Lady Gaga, it's fine.
01:21:24.000 You like Lady Gaga, don't you?
01:21:25.000 Whatever.
01:21:26.000 I appreciate because she actually knows how to play her instruments and she doesn't lip sync.
01:21:30.000 She's a real musician behind that.
01:21:32.000 Here we go.
01:21:33.000 Lady Gaga.
01:21:40.000 Oh my god.
01:21:42.000 All that hermaphrodite talk, it's just more playing it up for the media. 0.90
01:21:47.000 Very interesting.
01:21:48.000 Very interesting how people bite into that. 1.00
01:21:50.000 That one song, though, gives me fucking brain cancer. 1.00
01:21:54.000 That thing hurts. 1.00
01:21:55.000 Aaron Cartman saying that was so fucking funny. 0.98
01:21:57.000 That thing hurts my mind. 0.97
01:21:58.000 I didn't see that.
01:22:00.000 He did a montage to it later, too.
01:22:02.000 I think you actually could hear the words when he says it.
01:22:06.000 There's never been a better TV show than South Park.
01:22:09.000 Consistently funny.
01:22:11.000 Consistently irreverent.
01:22:12.000 Consistently brilliant.
01:22:14.000 It's so great. 1.00
01:22:15.000 They get away with shit that no one can get away with. 1.00
01:22:17.000 That whore off when that gay dude stuffed Paris Hilton up his asshole... 1.00
01:22:22.000 Mr. Helper. 1.00
01:22:22.000 That was the greatest moment in television history as far as I'm concerned. 1.00
01:22:25.000 The fact that they even got away with that.
01:22:27.000 The fact that they went there.
01:22:29.000 That's where you go if you're going to go crazy.
01:22:30.000 You want to go crazy?
01:22:31.000 That's where you go. 1.00
01:22:32.000 And then at the end, he shoves her up his ass and wins the contest. 1.00
01:22:36.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
01:22:37.000 Can we really put that on TV? But because of these blocky cartoons, they got away with it. 1.00
01:22:42.000 And because Comedy Central knows that they're monsters.
01:22:45.000 They're just unstoppable.
01:22:46.000 People want to watch them.
01:22:47.000 I don't think Comedy Central gets to tell them what to do at all.
01:22:49.000 I think there's a lot of that. 1.00
01:22:51.000 I think they're just like, shut the fuck up. 0.99
01:22:53.000 I think it's probably ESC Spikes. 0.99
01:22:55.000 ESC does not cover cable.
01:22:58.000 It's just them saying, we figure the advertising might pull away.
01:23:00.000 But the advertisers aren't going to pull away from South Park.
01:23:02.000 They brand themselves as this thing.
01:23:04.000 So everyone who goes knows, okay, it might be something like this.
01:23:07.000 They have...
01:23:08.000 There was movie success behind them too.
01:23:10.000 And that movie success, those two big huge films, those both films were giant successes.
01:23:15.000 I don't know if they were financially, but like...
01:23:17.000 I think they were.
01:23:18.000 I think they were, right?
01:23:18.000 Team America though, that was one of my favorite movies ever.
01:23:21.000 And they said that was the hardest movie ever.
01:23:24.000 They would never do that ever again.
01:23:25.000 It was so good, though.
01:23:26.000 Because it was really hard time consuming.
01:23:28.000 But man, that was such a great movie. 0.99
01:23:29.000 Fucking genius. 0.99
01:23:30.000 And I believe that it was really time consuming. 1.00
01:23:32.000 It was so goddamn good. 0.96
01:23:35.000 I got to see the puppets in real life. 0.97
01:23:36.000 Even the silliness of it where they had this, they're releasing the giant cats.
01:23:39.000 It's just kitty cats that are the same size as them.
01:23:42.000 Just close up shots.
01:23:44.000 The whole thing.
01:23:45.000 Just black kittens. 1.00
01:23:46.000 The beginning of it with the fucking terrorists. 1.00
01:23:48.000 When he's puking. 1.00
01:23:49.000 When that sex scene was the funniest sex scene I've ever seen. 0.98
01:23:52.000 Before that was probably like the safe sex in Naked Gun when they're covered in Rubber, you know? 0.51
01:23:57.000 But it's like, there's no funny, that was hilarious. 0.99
01:23:59.000 They're just boning, hardcore, puppets.
01:24:01.000 And did you see the unedited version where they drop logs on each other?
01:24:04.000 Yeah.
01:24:04.000 Oh, I did not see that.
01:24:06.000 Hey, pee pee's on it too, right?
01:24:08.000 Yeah, I think.
01:24:08.000 What's unedited?
01:24:09.000 That wasn't in the movie?
01:24:09.000 No, they cut it from the movie, otherwise it was getting an X. Wow.
01:24:13.000 Pee and pooper, no go.
01:24:14.000 That's so hilarious.
01:24:15.000 How about when he threw up and never stopped throwing up?
01:24:17.000 Yeah, just kept barking and covered an entire block. 1.00
01:24:19.000 Fucking genius! 1.00
01:24:20.000 It was so funny. 1.00
01:24:21.000 I remember crying laughing when I see that.
01:24:24.000 I couldn't believe how funny it was.
01:24:25.000 I was like, I can't believe they pulled this off.
01:24:27.000 Well, they did that first South Park movie and I was like, here we go.
01:24:29.000 And I was like, wait, they're singing, oh my, this is a musical.
01:24:32.000 They did a musical?
01:24:34.000 They've been waiting for a South Park movie this long and they did a musical?
01:24:37.000 And I loved it.
01:24:38.000 Yeah, it was great.
01:24:39.000 And they did a great job of it.
01:24:40.000 I said, how do you do a musical?
01:24:42.000 That was a genius show.
01:24:43.000 Blame Canada?
01:24:44.000 Yeah.
01:24:45.000 Come on, how good was that? 0.97
01:24:47.000 How about all the Canadians with their heads pop off? 1.00
01:24:49.000 They all look different. 0.99
01:24:51.000 They just look completely weird and different.
01:24:52.000 Their heads look totally different than regular.
01:24:54.000 Just the fact that we accept that as a head.
01:24:56.000 That's what a Canadian, yeah. 1.00
01:24:57.000 A talking piece of poop. 0.99
01:24:59.000 This round. 0.76
01:24:59.000 Yeah. 0.76
01:25:00.000 This thing that's letting me connect it and bobble it up and then we accept that.
01:25:03.000 We go, okay, that's the head.
01:25:05.000 There's the head. 1.00
01:25:06.000 That shit's genius. 1.00
01:25:07.000 That show's so goddamn good. 1.00
01:25:09.000 Like, I was looking at a cartoon the other day, the one that you gave me, the Barney Rubble picture. 0.98
01:25:13.000 Barney Rubble doesn't have eyeballs.
01:25:16.000 No, that's crazy. 0.98
01:25:17.000 He's just black. 1.00
01:25:17.000 He's tripped out black pupils. 1.00
01:25:19.000 But everybody else on the show had eyeballs. 0.99
01:25:21.000 Because his pupils are black. 0.86
01:25:23.000 Barney Rubble. 0.97
01:25:24.000 No, he's all white. 0.98
01:25:26.000 He's got nothing. 0.99
01:25:27.000 I know. 1.00
01:25:27.000 He's a goddamn zombie. 1.00
01:25:29.000 It's like he's on acid. 1.00
01:25:30.000 Fruity Pebbles doesn't have it either.
01:25:32.000 What's that?
01:25:32.000 Fruity Pebbles doesn't have it?
01:25:34.000 No.
01:25:35.000 I think, well, I don't know.
01:25:36.000 Maybe in Fruity Pebbles he has it.
01:25:37.000 I didn't even know he was on Fruity Pebbles.
01:25:38.000 I thought that was Bam Bam.
01:25:40.000 It's all Pebbles, right?
01:25:42.000 I don't remember.
01:25:43.000 Oh, it's all of them on there?
01:25:44.000 I think so.
01:25:44.000 Awful expert in the Flintstones.
01:25:47.000 Fruity Pebbles.
01:25:48.000 But it's just weird that you just get comfortable with the fact that his face looked like that.
01:25:53.000 It's like this Avatar movie.
01:25:55.000 After an hour, I didn't care that that chick was blue and looked like a lizard. 1.00
01:25:59.000 I still wanted to fuck her. 1.00
01:26:01.000 You were into it. 1.00
01:26:02.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
01:26:02.000 I wanted to fuck her. 1.00
01:26:03.000 And if I lived with them, I would totally think she was hot. 1.00
01:26:06.000 Did you fuck her? 1.00
01:26:06.000 No. 1.00
01:26:07.000 But if I lived with them in the woods and shit, I would totally think she was hot. 1.00
01:26:10.000 I would totally want to fuck her. 1.00
01:26:11.000 You know? 1.00
01:26:12.000 It's like it's subjective.
01:26:15.000 Um... 1.00
01:26:18.000 But if she made a sound other than English, I wouldn't want to fuck her. 1.00
01:26:22.000 Like if she meowed? 1.00
01:26:23.000 Yeah, I'd love it.
01:26:24.000 Remember the show V? The old show V? I never watched that show.
01:26:32.000 Which show?
01:26:33.000 The V show? 1.00
01:26:34.000 I like the old V. I would not watch the new V. Fuck the new V. This guy wants to know, this DA78 fella, he wants to know, who do you think is better in bed, Oprah or Hillary Clinton? 1.00
01:26:47.000 Hillary Clinton. 1.00
01:26:48.000 You think so?
01:26:48.000 Yeah.
01:26:49.000 I'd say Hillary Clinton. 1.00
01:26:50.000 Because I don't have a pussy. 1.00
01:26:51.000 Oprah Winfrey is a fucking huge lesbo. 1.00
01:26:54.000 You think so? 1.00
01:26:55.000 Yes.
01:26:55.000 Really?
01:26:56.000 Yeah.
01:26:56.000 Her and their friend.
01:26:57.000 Seems like more of one.
01:26:59.000 Who things seem like more of them?
01:27:00.000 Hillary Clinton. 0.97
01:27:01.000 More of a lesbian? 1.00
01:27:02.000 She seems like more of a lesbian. 1.00
01:27:03.000 Well, she made a human. 0.89
01:27:04.000 If you didn't know, she would think. 1.00
01:27:04.000 But she had sex and made a human. 1.00
01:27:06.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:27:06.000 So she knows, she's at least accepted dick. 1.00
01:27:09.000 Right. 0.99
01:27:10.000 And you have no idea about Oprah.
01:27:11.000 We have no idea.
01:27:11.000 Yeah.
01:27:12.000 That Stedman guy, if there was ever a man that looked like a beard.
01:27:15.000 Yeah.
01:27:15.000 That's that gentleman.
01:27:16.000 That poor fuck. 1.00
01:27:17.000 Dude, I bet if you Google Oprah Winfrey gay. 1.00
01:27:19.000 It's like when gay guys marry old ladies. 1.00
01:27:21.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:27:21.000 New conspiracy theory. 0.99
01:27:22.000 Oprah Winfrey's gay. 0.98
01:27:23.000 Yeah. 0.95
01:27:23.000 I can see it happening. 0.95
01:27:24.000 Totally.
01:27:25.000 That's why Ellen wanted to be on the cover with her. 0.96
01:27:28.000 Well, she's super powerful, man. 1.00
01:27:30.000 Maybe she's so powerful that the testosterone that she has from having like a billion dollars, the surge of power that she has, maybe it just made her just want to dominate some bitches. 1.00
01:27:40.000 Maybe she doesn't even, maybe Oprah only gets them to eat her pussy. 1.00
01:27:43.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:27:45.000 You're probably crying. 1.00
01:27:46.000 She doesn't have to do shit. 1.00
01:27:49.000 Oprah doesn't do shit. 1.00
01:27:51.000 Oprah's worth a billion dollars and she hangs out with these broke bitches. 1.00
01:27:56.000 That's what it is. 0.99
01:27:57.000 Oprah, do you know how much a billion?
01:27:58.000 That's a thousand million.
01:28:00.000 That's incredible money.
01:28:01.000 That's an insane amount of money.
01:28:03.000 She's so rich.
01:28:04.000 You couldn't spend that.
01:28:06.000 You would have to go nutty if you wanted to spend that.
01:28:09.000 She's probably worth more than a billion. 0.99
01:28:11.000 She's probably worth several billion, right? 1.00
01:28:13.000 Oprah fucking Winfrey. 0.99
01:28:15.000 She just keeps coming out with new stuff. 1.00
01:28:16.000 No one's ever been more successful than Oprah Winfrey.
01:28:20.000 Like for daytime TV, it's not even close.
01:28:23.000 I love the old Oprah stuff.
01:28:24.000 I still remember that.
01:28:25.000 Old school Oprah.
01:28:26.000 What's the question?
01:28:27.000 I love this question.
01:28:28.000 What's that?
01:28:29.000 Read it like how he writes it.
01:28:30.000 Or she writes it.
01:28:32.000 This guy?
01:28:33.000 Yeah.
01:28:33.000 Yo, what's your ethnicity?
01:28:36.000 Were you born into a religion?
01:28:38.000 He says, yo, what's your ethnicity?
01:28:40.000 Were you born into a religion?
01:28:41.000 That's not a bad question if you're 18 or 18. I just like how you wrote it.
01:28:45.000 Was you born into a religion?
01:28:47.000 Ashley Bryo.
01:28:48.000 Is that his name?
01:28:50.000 Ashley Braille.
01:28:51.000 Oh, so this is what Twitter does.
01:28:53.000 It doesn't actually scroll, it just bumps.
01:28:55.000 Right.
01:28:55.000 So that you know when new people leave them, oh, it does scroll.
01:28:57.000 A little bit.
01:28:58.000 But it's really far.
01:28:59.000 I think it's slow.
01:29:00.000 Slow, yeah.
01:29:01.000 So what do they have to do?
01:29:01.000 They have to put hashtags on it?
01:29:03.000 And you follow the hashtags?
01:29:04.000 I don't know.
01:29:05.000 I don't know why it's doing that.
01:29:06.000 That's what I was looking at earlier.
01:29:07.000 They're putting the hashtags on it.
01:29:08.000 Is that what it is?
01:29:09.000 No, I think they're just writing.
01:29:12.000 Oh, it's, yeah, hashtag.
01:29:13.000 That's exactly what it is.
01:29:14.000 It's hashtags.
01:29:16.000 But why is it doing that?
01:29:17.000 That's weird.
01:29:18.000 But why doesn't it have the little ad thing on it?
01:29:20.000 Why doesn't it have that?
01:29:21.000 Does it mean they're in this Twitter room?
01:29:23.000 Is that what it is?
01:29:23.000 I don't know.
01:29:24.000 Let me check my iPhone.
01:29:27.000 A young Hillary Clinton?
01:29:28.000 You think young Hillary Clinton was cool looking? 0.99
01:29:30.000 Yeah, she was good looking. 1.00
01:29:32.000 I remember her being not bad the first time we ran.
01:29:34.000 I don't think she's bad.
01:29:37.000 And by then, she had a child. 1.00
01:29:39.000 Who would you rather fuck now? 1.00
01:29:41.000 Is that the story? 1.00
01:29:42.000 Someone said, who do you think is better than bad?
01:29:43.000 I think that's the question. 1.00
01:29:45.000 Probably Hillary would suck your dick. 1.00
01:29:47.000 Hillary would give you some action, whereas Oprah would make you eat your pussy. 1.00
01:29:50.000 Hillary would have better cocaine. 1.00
01:29:53.000 I'm just not into black chicks. 1.00
01:29:55.000 Could you just imagine that's what Oprah Winfrey really did? 1.00
01:29:58.000 She just had girls eat her pussy. 1.00
01:30:00.000 That's hilarious. 1.00
01:30:00.000 And it came out just like Tiger Woods is coming out that he's a freak and he's married with children but he's really banging like 16 different chicks at the same time. 1.00
01:30:07.000 What if it came out that Oprah Winfrey is this crazy bitch? 1.00
01:30:10.000 That just has all these young girls eat their pussy. 1.00
01:30:12.000 And they're all blindfolded. 1.00
01:30:15.000 So they bring her into a special room so they don't know who's pussy they're eating. 1.00
01:30:19.000 This is your rule. 1.00
01:30:20.000 This is your assignment.
01:30:21.000 You will be paid $125,000 a month.
01:30:24.000 Will you accept?
01:30:25.000 Yep.
01:30:26.000 You can't give them that much.
01:30:27.000 You'd have to give them $125,000 a year.
01:30:29.000 But she will call upon you.
01:30:31.000 No, you have to get more than that if you want to be that kind of thing. 1.00
01:30:33.000 You're not there blindfold and just go into a room and they eat your pussy. 1.00
01:30:36.000 125 a year and... 1.00
01:30:39.000 To be on call at all times?
01:30:40.000 Yep, on call.
01:30:41.000 That's $500,000.
01:30:43.000 That's too much.
01:30:44.000 You can retire. 1.00
01:30:45.000 I can't keep you my bitch. 1.00
01:30:46.000 All you have to do is work for a couple years and you can retire. 1.00
01:30:49.000 If I want to keep you my bitch, I give you enough money so that you get used to money, but you can't really hold enough away. 1.00
01:30:56.000 You're not going to escape from my class. 0.99
01:30:58.000 You can take someone who's super broke, start them off at $75,000.
01:31:00.000 Give them a 35% pay increase every year.
01:31:03.000 Start him off at 50. But you gotta get him super broke.
01:31:06.000 Start at 50. Next year, I want to leave now.
01:31:08.000 I have 50 grand.
01:31:09.000 Next year, we'll give you 75. Ooh, now I have to stay.
01:31:12.000 The year after that, I want to leave.
01:31:13.000 150 this year.
01:31:15.000 Ooh, okay, I can't leave that.
01:31:17.000 Okay, now I want to leave.
01:31:18.000 300 this year.
01:31:19.000 He's outjewing me right now.
01:31:21.000 Just keep upcoming, not letting him leave.
01:31:23.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:31:24.000 It's like Hollywood shit. 1.00
01:31:24.000 You can never get to a certain point. 1.00
01:31:27.000 You have to be cultivating other boys.
01:31:29.000 You get them used to the money.
01:31:30.000 Obviously, reforestation. 0.99
01:31:31.000 You get them used to the money, and then, look, you want to talk some shit? 0.97
01:31:34.000 Hector over there is ready to become my number one boy. 0.99
01:31:36.000 Yeah.
01:31:37.000 And Hector doesn't mind. 1.00
01:31:39.000 Hector likes sucking dick. 1.00
01:31:40.000 He'll suck three, four, he'll suck my friend's dick. 1.00
01:31:42.000 Not to mention, if I get some guy, he looks like he's 28 now, 29. Fucking hit the road, Jack. 1.00
01:31:48.000 I'm getting old. 1.00
01:31:49.000 Hector is 19. I can feel the grizzle on your tongue.
01:31:52.000 Hector sucked dick all the way from Guatemala to get here on a banana boat. 1.00
01:31:55.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:31:56.000 I haven't even watched at a certain point.
01:31:57.000 Hector's so happy to have a fresh pair of Nikes. 1.00
01:32:00.000 He'll suck the life out of your balls. 1.00
01:32:02.000 Hector's here. 1.00
01:32:03.000 He's here for you.
01:32:04.000 Totally, right?
01:32:05.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:32:05.000 So, the competition of being a male whore. 1.00
01:32:07.000 You know, in Nevada, they just recently approved male whores. 1.00
01:32:11.000 They're going to have male whores. 1.00
01:32:13.000 They didn't have four? 1.00
01:32:14.000 No, apparently they didn't.
01:32:16.000 Apparently, it was only females. 0.98
01:32:18.000 What?
01:32:19.000 That's crazy.
01:32:19.000 Why would they not have that?
01:32:21.000 I don't know.
01:32:22.000 That seems...
01:32:23.000 That's interesting.
01:32:24.000 I don't know.
01:32:25.000 It doesn't seem worse.
01:32:26.000 This is the way guys will.
01:32:27.000 For society. 1.00
01:32:28.000 If guys think their friend is gay, they're going to get him a male whore now. 1.00
01:32:32.000 I'm like, dude, you're not going to believe what I got you for your birthday. 1.00
01:32:34.000 I got you a fucking whore at the buddy ranch. 1.00
01:32:38.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
01:32:40.000 That'd be a nice moment because you're like, oh, I got to fake it with this girl in front of my friends. 1.00
01:32:43.000 And you're like, ah!
01:32:45.000 You guys knew!
01:32:46.000 It is the best!
01:32:48.000 I wrote it in a book!
01:32:49.000 Could you imagine? 1.00
01:32:50.000 You get him a whore at the bunny ranch, just go in that room, go in that room. 1.00
01:32:52.000 What does she look like? 1.00
01:32:54.000 Don't worry, you're gonna like it.
01:32:56.000 You're gonna like it. 0.99
01:32:57.000 You just send him in there, and then the red light comes on, it's a naked guy with a hard-on. 0.99
01:33:02.000 Yes! 0.99
01:33:04.000 Did you imagine?
01:33:05.000 I thought this was going to be a terrible day. 1.00
01:33:07.000 And if the guy says, what the fuck? 1.00
01:33:09.000 Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. 1.00
01:33:11.000 You know that he's just a little Femi. 1.00
01:33:12.000 He's not gay. 0.63
01:33:13.000 He's just a little Femi. 1.00
01:33:14.000 Quit wearing sweaters.
01:33:16.000 My dad had a friend when I was growing up. 0.97
01:33:17.000 I would have swore this dude was gay. 1.00
01:33:18.000 But he wasn't gay. 0.99
01:33:19.000 He was just a little Femi. 1.00
01:33:21.000 Femi?
01:33:22.000 Yeah.
01:33:22.000 Look, if you didn't know Duncan Trussell, There are times when Duncan Trussell...
01:33:26.000 Dude, I act Femi, but I just think that it's... 0.90
01:33:29.000 I can act serious and normal and stuff like that, but I just always let myself, like, who cares?
01:33:34.000 You know?
01:33:34.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.
01:33:36.000 You're not understanding me.
01:33:37.000 That's not Femi.
01:33:37.000 That's relaxed.
01:33:38.000 This guy was like...
01:33:40.000 That kind of fit me. 0.99
01:33:41.000 Those people are always gay. 1.00
01:33:44.000 Really? 0.99
01:33:45.000 You think you just gotta get into it?
01:33:46.000 Why is it doing hashtags instead of at signs?
01:33:49.000 That's a better question.
01:33:51.000 I think that's why it works. 0.99
01:33:52.000 That's fucked up. 0.98
01:33:53.000 Did you try to fix it? 0.99
01:33:55.000 No, I don't want to fuck anything up, but I'll try.
01:33:57.000 Does anyone know why it's doing hashtags instead of the at signs in the Twitter social stream on Ustream?
01:34:04.000 Yeah, because they're socializing about this subject.
01:34:07.000 Last week it did at signs, and that's what we want. 0.98
01:34:10.000 We don't want this hashtag bullshit.
01:34:13.000 Does anyone know how to change it from hashtags to at signs? 0.98
01:34:18.000 I still do the same thing.
01:34:20.000 Duncan Trussell is awesome.
01:34:21.000 Yes, Duncan Trussell is awesome.
01:34:23.000 When he goes femme, he's really just playing.
01:34:25.000 Duncan likes girls.
01:34:26.000 Trust me.
01:34:31.000 What's that?
01:34:33.000 Is Red Band a comic?
01:34:34.000 Red Band's done comedy.
01:34:35.000 He's technically a comic. 0.99
01:34:36.000 He can go up any time he wants if he wants to fuck around. 0.99
01:34:39.000 He's very funny, actually. 0.99
01:34:40.000 Wrote some good material.
01:34:42.000 We have to get it...
01:34:43.000 I can't tell you about that.
01:34:45.000 I was going to tell them about that show thing.
01:34:47.000 I can't tell you about that.
01:34:48.000 But he's done it a bunch of times.
01:34:51.000 It's just doing these videos, even though it doesn't seem like it takes a lot of time... 0.99
01:34:54.000 It takes a lot of fucking time. 0.99
01:34:56.000 And he's going to archive all this goddamn material. 1.00
01:34:57.000 No, he's doing open mics. 1.00
01:34:59.000 Sucks ass. 1.00
01:34:59.000 That, too. 1.00
01:35:00.000 He puts me in front of him on his sold-out shows, and I'm like a noob trying to do comedy, but you get spoiled, and then you have to go to, when you go back to L.A., you go in front of three other comics, and he spent four hours a day just so you can have, you know...
01:35:16.000 Five minutes on stage. 0.97
01:35:17.000 It sucks. 0.99
01:35:18.000 Yeah, open mic. 1.00
01:35:19.000 Fuck that shit. 1.00
01:35:20.000 I'm too old for that, you know? 1.00
01:35:21.000 They're brutal.
01:35:22.000 You guys want water?
01:35:23.000 Yeah.
01:35:24.000 Water?
01:35:24.000 I'll be right back.
01:35:25.000 We got caught in mouth, so they'll entertain you guys.
01:35:28.000 I'm going to try to change the hashtag.
01:35:31.000 Why are they all doing it?
01:35:32.000 They're all putting it in.
01:35:35.000 It is because...
01:35:36.000 Brian, what are the new videos coming up?
01:35:38.000 We're logged into Ustream via our Twitter account.
01:35:42.000 What are the new videos coming up, Brian?
01:35:43.000 What videos?
01:35:44.000 What do you got coming out in your life?
01:35:47.000 I'm not really doing much of the videos right now.
01:35:50.000 Really?
01:35:50.000 No.
01:35:51.000 Brian is doing a new thing where he's doing before a show on the road every time he makes a video specifically for that town.
01:36:01.000 Yeah.
01:36:01.000 Like he has material from Austin.
01:36:03.000 Yeah, if you go see Joe do stand-up at most places nowadays, we have a thing called Death Squad that's like before the show.
01:36:09.000 It's just kind of a collection of videos and we film a bunch of stuff like, hey, we're coming to Austin.
01:36:14.000 It's kind of centered around that city.
01:36:17.000 Make sure you get there at least 15 minutes before the show time to watch that stuff.
01:36:20.000 What's that?
01:36:21.000 Oh, the videos.
01:36:22.000 Yeah, we're going to do that at most places we go to.
01:36:25.000 They'll be shown just that week and then done.
01:36:27.000 Yeah, when I go to one-nighters like DC, Ari and I are doing DC this upcoming Sunday, Brian's not going to come to that one.
01:36:39.000 But when we do weekends, what is the next weekend?
01:36:43.000 Addison?
01:36:43.000 We'll probably do it.
01:36:44.000 Tempe?
01:36:45.000 No, Ice House will probably do the next one. 0.52
01:36:47.000 Oh yeah, Ice House, then Addison and Tempe.
01:36:49.000 It's all up on my Twitter page.
01:36:51.000 Oh, it's right in front of me.
01:36:52.000 I'm asking questions.
01:36:53.000 It's right there.
01:36:54.000 Ice House, Addison, and then Tempe.
01:36:57.000 Addison's...
01:36:57.000 I'm looking forward to that.
01:36:58.000 I fucking love Texas. 0.98
01:37:00.000 How much fun is Texas? 0.99
01:37:01.000 I love Texas.
01:37:02.000 So much fun.
01:37:02.000 I'm looking at those dates.
01:37:04.000 I'm like, Tempe's going to be a lot of fun.
01:37:06.000 Always is.
01:37:06.000 Ice House is always a lot of fun.
01:37:08.000 But I'm like, fuck, man. 1.00
01:37:09.000 We're going to Texas. 1.00
01:37:10.000 You know?
01:37:11.000 It's like the food's a little better.
01:37:13.000 The people are a little more fun.
01:37:14.000 It's a little more rowdy.
01:37:15.000 It's like they're like healthier.
01:37:17.000 There's like something about them.
01:37:19.000 They got something that we don't have here in California.
01:37:22.000 This place is so polluted by the entertainment business.
01:37:28.000 But yet, I hate the East Coast.
01:37:29.000 Most of it.
01:37:30.000 East Coast is too angry.
01:37:31.000 Yeah.
01:37:31.000 Why is it so angry?
01:37:33.000 Why are you so fucking mad? 0.98
01:37:34.000 You know, I grew up with a lot of guys like that. 0.99
01:37:36.000 Everyone's insulting. 0.99
01:37:37.000 They're usually the funniest guys because they have to, like, learn quickly to deal with, you know, people's bullshit. 0.99
01:37:44.000 But Boston? 0.99
01:37:45.000 Boston's so fucking aggro. 0.99
01:37:48.000 So many aggro guys. 0.99
01:37:50.000 Yeah.
01:37:50.000 Everybody's upset.
01:37:51.000 Everybody wants a fight.
01:37:53.000 In New York, how could you imagine?
01:37:54.000 I can't imagine living around that many people.
01:37:56.000 It's rough.
01:37:57.000 So many people.
01:37:58.000 This guy, T. Saps, said, because it's cold.
01:38:02.000 That is definitely part of it. 0.99
01:38:03.000 Boston is cold as fuck in the winter. 0.98
01:38:07.000 I was there in October, and when I was there in October, it was starting to be freezing. 0.99
01:38:11.000 It was like 50, but it was a different kind of 50. It wasn't like L.A. 50. L.A. 50 is nothing.
01:38:16.000 This is January?
01:38:18.000 Yeah.
01:38:18.000 Yeah, we wear shorts in January out here all the time.
01:38:22.000 Well, a grown man really should never wear shorts. 1.00
01:38:25.000 Oh my, you can look at my legs, bitch. 1.00
01:38:27.000 What's wrong with my legs? 1.00
01:38:28.000 I'm all sexy and hairy and shit. 1.00
01:38:30.000 When I get gray hair on my legs, that's when you stop seeing me in shorts. 1.00
01:38:33.000 Or, you'll see me in shorts with shaved legs and you'll be like, you fucking faggot. 1.00
01:38:37.000 You wouldn't die? 1.00
01:38:38.000 Just remain in your legs?
01:38:39.000 Yeah. 0.88
01:38:40.000 No, you shave them. 0.99
01:38:41.000 No, I'm not going to die in your legs. 1.00
01:38:42.000 I'll shave them. 0.99
01:38:43.000 I know dudes who do their facial hair.
01:38:46.000 They die in facial hair, but I don't do that.
01:38:48.000 I'm going to shave. 1.00
01:38:49.000 I shave my balls. 0.99
01:38:50.000 I don't dye my ball hair. 0.99
01:38:51.000 So I'm not going to dye my leg hair either.
01:38:54.000 Right?
01:38:55.000 You can't be dying your leg hair. 1.00
01:38:56.000 That's just fucking utter faggotry. 1.00
01:38:58.000 Lying in a bathtub with some fucking black ink trying to pretend that you're not dying. 1.00
01:39:02.000 You're dying, man. 1.00
01:39:03.000 You don't dye your fucking leg hairs. 1.00
01:39:05.000 That's hilarious. 1.00
01:39:06.000 And have you ever seen like an old dude whose hair is dyed? 0.97
01:39:08.000 They have like a reddish tint to the hair because the dye looks kind of funky.
01:39:11.000 They use a brown instead of a blonde base.
01:39:14.000 Could you imagine if you had that on your legs and your legs looked like Sasquatch legs?
01:39:17.000 Ginger. 0.87
01:39:17.000 Ginger. 0.87
01:39:21.000 Jinju Sasquatch.
01:39:23.000 Who is Red Band?
01:39:24.000 What does he do?
01:39:24.000 Red Band is the guy who, if you ever saw the Carlos Mancilla video, you've seen his work.
01:39:29.000 If you've seen the Jew Clam video, you've seen his work. 0.65
01:39:31.000 And if you haven't, you really need to check that out.
01:39:34.000 Google Jew Clam and look away. 1.00
01:39:39.000 He does all the videos for me and for my website.
01:39:45.000 It's like one of the things we do when we go on these shows and we travel to all these different towns. 0.98
01:39:53.000 One of the things we do is a lot of funny shit happens and we film it and Brian takes all that funny shit and has to watch 9 hours of bullshit to get 10 minutes of awesomeness. 0.97
01:40:05.000 And so 10 minutes of, you know, fun and with the right music and the right editing and he just makes these cool ass videos. 0.99
01:40:11.000 I just heard some director talking about, he shot this movie with Julia Moore in 21 days and the editing took 5 months.
01:40:17.000 He thought it would take, they said 10 to 12 weeks, he goes, I'll finish it in 5 to 7. It took 5 months.
01:40:22.000 Because that's so much longer.
01:40:23.000 He goes, you can make a joke funny, you can make a joke not funny.
01:40:26.000 You can do whatever you want through editing.
01:40:28.000 I can't even imagine... 0.99
01:40:29.000 Shit, I hate dealing with just the music because I make my videos around music, but then if I pick a song that will get me banned off YouTube and off all these websites, then it fucks. 1.00
01:40:39.000 So then you have to try to do it with your own music or make your own kind of shit. 1.00
01:40:44.000 And then you lose the creativity part because you're working with bullshit instead of working with Led Zeppelin. 1.00
01:40:49.000 It's fucked up. 1.00
01:40:50.000 I hate it. 1.00
01:40:51.000 I know.
01:40:52.000 Look at one of Martin Scorsese's best movies, Goodfellas.
01:40:56.000 Do you remember the scene where it was all falling apart for What's-His-Face?
01:41:02.000 That's all the coke we had.
01:41:04.000 That's all the money we had.
01:41:05.000 Remember when he was driving in the car?
01:41:07.000 And looking at helicopters?
01:41:08.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:41:08.000 The music was so important to all that shit. 1.00
01:41:12.000 It's all that Rolling Stone shit, you know? 0.99
01:41:15.000 I mean, it was like, that made the vibe of it. 0.99
01:41:18.000 Well, not to mention at the end, when he's picking up his mail or whatever, or the newspaper, and they have, we did it my way, by Sid Vicious, or whatever.
01:41:26.000 But he was like, that's a reason.
01:41:28.000 He's not using the Sinatra version.
01:41:30.000 He's doing it on purpose. 0.99
01:41:31.000 He wants the fucking, that version of it, this bastardized version of the mafia that he's trying to show. 0.99
01:41:36.000 It's like, yes, it's important. 0.99
01:41:38.000 Yeah.
01:41:38.000 Yeah.
01:41:39.000 Music is so important to a good movie.
01:41:42.000 All those, that's one of the great things about like Scorsese.
01:41:45.000 Tarantino.
01:41:46.000 Yeah, Francis Ford Coppola. 1.00
01:41:47.000 They know how to pick the right fucking music, man. 0.99
01:41:50.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:41:50.000 You know, the great guys, they know how to really jazz it up right. 0.99
01:41:54.000 Ennio Morricone did all those Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
01:41:56.000 Those were all the same guys.
01:41:57.000 Sergio Leone always used Ennio Morricone or whatever his name was.
01:42:01.000 The good, the bad, and the ugly.
01:42:03.000 I wish I knew how to DJ. I wish I knew like remix and stuff like that.
01:42:07.000 Because you watch, it seems like it's so much fun and then you make your own music and that's, you know, in a way, you know?
01:42:13.000 Right, in a way, yeah.
01:42:14.000 And I just wish I could do that.
01:42:16.000 What's weird was every now and then a guy gets through and is huge.
01:42:20.000 Like there's that guy, I think his name is Tiesto.
01:42:23.000 He's a gigantic DJ. And these people were telling me, this dude was telling me that he went to a Tiesto concert on New Year's and it was like this big thing.
01:42:32.000 I think he did it in South America and he said it was insane.
01:42:34.000 It was really crazy.
01:42:35.000 50,000 people.
01:42:36.000 Yeah, like more and they're all in ecstasy. 0.99
01:42:38.000 I mean, like, just fucking utter craziness. 0.96
01:42:41.000 100,000 people on ecstasy, and this guy is jamming. 0.98
01:42:45.000 This guy gets, apparently, he's like this multi-million selling DJ guy.
01:42:51.000 I don't know where they make their money.
01:42:52.000 I guess they make their money on personal appearances and people showing up for their shows.
01:42:55.000 DJs sound so good when you're on ecstasy.
01:42:57.000 Nightclubs.
01:42:58.000 He makes it sound like, whoa, yeah, I get it, man.
01:43:00.000 If they're good, right?
01:43:01.000 Yeah, if they're good. 0.95
01:43:03.000 Man, ecstasy, I only did it once, but goddamn did it feel good. 0.91
01:43:07.000 It's just named right. 0.98
01:43:08.000 It was like, it kind of feels, yeah, you got it.
01:43:10.000 It felt so good, but it scared the shit out of me the next day.
01:43:13.000 Did you have a countdown?
01:43:14.000 Yeah.
01:43:15.000 Oh, I never got one of those.
01:43:16.000 I might have had shitty ecstasy.
01:43:18.000 I might have to get me some good ecstasy and see what happens. 0.71
01:43:21.000 But it might be my biochemical method, too.
01:43:22.000 I think it's more that.
01:43:23.000 Yeah.
01:43:24.000 It's a real gospel.
01:43:27.000 Yeah, DJs produce music, but they produce music that's Like other people's music, they're piecing it together and making it their own.
01:43:35.000 But there is an art to it, for sure.
01:43:39.000 Sometimes the people that make the music don't see it as well as someone who's listening to the music. 0.94
01:43:45.000 I know that sounds crazy, but it's possible that a DJ could take a song that wasn't really that good and make it pretty fucking dope. 0.91
01:43:52.000 That's possible.
01:43:53.000 Sometimes remixes are better than the original songs.
01:43:58.000 Most of the time it is.
01:43:59.000 Like, if you go to Party Ben or what's that other dude's Girl Talk, if you go download some of their music, they take some really good songs, but man, you listen to them mixed up and stuff, you're like, I actually like that better than, like...
01:44:11.000 Well, that's what everybody says about, like, Quentin Tarantino, right?
01:44:13.000 That his themes are all stories from, like, other movies, like older Japanese movies. 0.97
01:44:18.000 But he makes them fucking badass, you know? 0.90
01:44:21.000 That's an interesting little fine line there. 0.99
01:44:24.000 Kick, Paris, 7891.
01:44:32.000 We're having a fight in here.
01:44:33.000 This dude is telling someone to kick somebody off.
01:44:36.000 Oh, Paris. 1.00
01:44:37.000 Because Paris keeps on saying, Hey, suck my cock, Joe. 1.00
01:44:40.000 How much money do you suck my cock? 1.00
01:44:43.000 How much money do you have, fella? 1.00
01:44:45.000 You think that's the real Paris?
01:44:46.000 Paris Hilton?
01:44:48.000 Do you think cities are on Twitter?
01:44:53.000 How do I ban you, dude?
01:44:59.000 Delete this message from the list and ban the sender.
01:45:01.000 Yes.
01:45:02.000 I want to ban the sender.
01:45:03.000 Oh, cool.
01:45:03.000 Bam!
01:45:04.000 Sorry, bitch. 1.00
01:45:06.000 Nobody's getting their cock sucked now. 1.00
01:45:08.000 What I was going to do was suck everybody's cock that was listening, but you had to go and fuck it up, son. 1.00
01:45:13.000 Dude, I didn't know Joey Diaz was here. 1.00
01:45:14.000 Oh, that's Ari. 1.00
01:45:17.000 Ari's going to smoke weed. 1.00
01:45:18.000 Why are you so rude?
01:45:20.000 He's going deep nowadays.
01:45:21.000 Ari's going deep. 0.94
01:45:24.000 Remember the old Ari that would smoke half a hit in a car accident on the way home? 1.00
01:45:29.000 I remember when you used to get nervous before getting too high going on stage.
01:45:32.000 You got barbecued in Vegas.
01:45:35.000 How high did you get in Vegas?
01:45:36.000 Yeah, it was pretty high.
01:45:37.000 Woo! 0.99
01:45:38.000 You kept going.
01:45:39.000 We had a joint, and usually, this is the way it works when you do comedy.
01:45:42.000 One hit, this would be fun.
01:45:44.000 This would be fun to get loose.
01:45:46.000 Two hits, you're trusting.
01:45:48.000 You're trusting the universe, and you're trusting your state of mind.
01:45:53.000 We had four hits. 0.99
01:45:54.000 We were fucking blitzkrieg'd. 0.99
01:45:57.000 We were fucking blitzkrieg'd. 0.99
01:46:01.000 The worst is when I was so stoned. 0.99
01:46:03.000 My first week out here, you invited me to go see you at Fear Factor set.
01:46:08.000 Oh, that's right.
01:46:09.000 These are like when lollipops first came out.
01:46:13.000 And he's like, hey, Ohio boy, Brian, come here.
01:46:16.000 You want this lollipop?
01:46:17.000 I'm like, alright, sure.
01:46:18.000 And so I take it, and then like 10 minutes later, he's like, you feel anything yet?
01:46:21.000 And I'm like, no.
01:46:21.000 And we're like, let's take another one!
01:46:23.000 So I took a second one.
01:46:25.000 Yes, we had two of them.
01:46:26.000 And then Joe's like, well, here, hang out with all the directors and producers in this trailer.
01:46:30.000 I gotta go now.
01:46:31.000 And then it starts tripping.
01:46:33.000 And I'm like, they're like, hey, Brian, how's it going?
01:46:36.000 And they're like, outside.
01:46:38.000 He was so, so, so.
01:46:40.000 Head on my, yeah, it was horrible.
01:46:41.000 I called you El Diablo for like three months.
01:46:44.000 He did get me one.
01:46:46.000 You know what?
01:46:47.000 That's how much I hated Fear Factor.
01:46:49.000 I hated Fear Factor so much that I had to do it that I would get barbecued. 0.94
01:46:55.000 I would get so fucking hot.
01:46:57.000 I would take these crazy Beyond Bomb, that was the name of the company that would make them lollipops, and I'd eat one of those before I would do Fear Factor, and I'd be blitzkrieg to the point where I couldn't remember what I was talking about ten seconds ago. 0.96
01:47:10.000 And that's how I would do the show.
01:47:13.000 But it made it so much more interesting.
01:47:14.000 It's fun to watch Fear Factor now knowing that, though, because all the episodes you can tell your eyes are all glazed over and you're just like, oh my god, you're going to eat!
01:47:21.000 It must be so windy and elegenic out there.
01:47:24.000 The producers knew it and liked the fact that I did it because it made me more relaxed and funnier.
01:47:29.000 There were so many aggro douchebags on that show. 1.00
01:47:31.000 I'm sure two of the producers must have worked with so many aggro douchebags over the years. 1.00
01:47:35.000 So many. 0.99
01:47:37.000 And if you want to be a douche, you can make your lives miserable. 0.98
01:47:39.000 Yeah.
01:47:40.000 Most of the people that did that show were really cool. 0.87
01:47:42.000 They were there to have fun, trying to win some money, holy shit, I'm on TV, you know.
01:47:46.000 Oh, some of the contestants you're talking about? 0.98
01:47:48.000 Yeah.
01:47:48.000 Felt like stars?
01:47:49.000 Yeah, they got douchey.
01:47:50.000 Well, not only that, they got aggressive.
01:47:52.000 There was some contestants that were really aggressive. 1.00
01:47:56.000 That was annoying because they were all hyped up trying to win this fucking show. 1.00
01:48:00.000 And they would start shit with me. 1.00
01:48:02.000 They're at home in Jersey practicing. 1.00
01:48:04.000 If Joe Rogan says some shit, this is what I'm going to say to him. 1.00
01:48:07.000 They don't really say it, but they go for it anyway. 1.00
01:48:10.000 They're already ramped up by the time they get there.
01:48:12.000 I'm like, hey man, relax.
01:48:13.000 I'm here to help you.
01:48:14.000 Yeah, you relax!
01:48:15.000 What?
01:48:15.000 Yeah.
01:48:16.000 So the weed helps with that.
01:48:18.000 The weed helps.
01:48:19.000 Nothing helps you deal with aggression better than weed.
01:48:21.000 It does help for a gift sometimes when people are like, watch it!
01:48:24.000 You're like, alright there, son.
01:48:25.000 Very nice.
01:48:27.000 Was that the Vegas show last May, says Adunja, A-D-U-N-J-A? No, we were talking about Saturday night, Friday night.
01:48:39.000 We do the House of Blues in Vegas all the time.
01:48:41.000 We also do the Palms, and I'm going to be doing that every couple months.
01:48:46.000 I think you should do the Palms more.
01:48:47.000 Yeah.
01:48:48.000 I'll get into it a while later, but yeah, it's a regular more of a club room.
01:48:52.000 Yeah, I think so too.
01:48:53.000 And if it's similar to the other stuff, then it's like, do where it's set up that way.
01:48:57.000 Yeah.
01:48:58.000 The only thing I don't like about the Palms is that the stage lighting is not the best.
01:49:02.000 The House of Blues is all really lit up well, but they might have fixed that by now.
01:49:05.000 That's not a big fix.
01:49:06.000 It's just a spotlight.
01:49:07.000 But yeah, so either way, we're going to be in Vegas a lot.
01:49:10.000 Talk about MMA, Joe. 1.00
01:49:12.000 Fuck! 1.00
01:49:13.000 The Mark Gaten. 1.00
01:49:14.000 Oh, that's John Copenhaver.
01:49:16.000 I wonder if that's the real John Copenhaver.
01:49:17.000 That's the real Mark Gaten.
01:49:19.000 Is that the real Mark Gaten?
01:49:21.000 Oh, that's cool.
01:49:22.000 Real John Copenhaver. 0.98
01:49:23.000 The War Machine wouldn't have a fucking little Tweety Bird next to him. 0.98
01:49:27.000 What is up with those Tweety Birds, the yellow and the green? 0.99
01:49:29.000 No picture.
01:49:29.000 Is that what it is?
01:49:30.000 That's no picture.
01:49:30.000 They just joined, or they're a lot of UFC guys.
01:49:33.000 you guys.
01:49:33.000 Because War Machine's got a picture of him looking all buff on it.
01:49:36.000 Wow. 0.67
01:49:40.000 The Palms has the naked girl pick on stage. 1.00
01:49:47.000 Yes.
01:49:47.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:49:49.000 When you're on stage at the Palms, right to your left, there's a naked picture. 1.00
01:49:52.000 There's a picture of a girl showing her pussy. 1.00
01:49:54.000 What, in the nude place? 1.00
01:49:55.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:49:56.000 She's got tits around and she's showing a little bit of pubic hair. 1.00
01:49:59.000 Right on stage. 0.99
01:50:00.000 Oh, because the Playboy night?
01:50:01.000 Yeah, it's like the Playboy Comedy Club.
01:50:03.000 It's very strange, man.
01:50:06.000 But I think we're going to do that.
01:50:07.000 I think we're going to do that much more.
01:50:08.000 The next one, we're doing that in February. 1.00
01:50:10.000 Is there any female comics that you know of that show their pussy all the time? 1.00
01:50:14.000 Like, hey, look at my pussy! 1.00
01:50:16.000 Like Joey shows his balls? 1.00
01:50:17.000 Yeah, like Joey shows his balls. 1.00
01:50:18.000 No. 1.00
01:50:19.000 No?
01:50:19.000 God, that'd be awesome.
01:50:21.000 That's a problem.
01:50:21.000 Guys are like, I want to see it again.
01:50:23.000 Right, that'd be awesome.
01:50:24.000 They're like, ew!
01:50:25.000 People are like, yeah. 1.00
01:50:26.000 There's nothing funny about a girl showing her pussy. 1.00
01:50:28.000 A dude pulls his dick out and goes, what? 1.00
01:50:30.000 What? 1.00
01:50:31.000 That's funny.
01:50:32.000 Yeah, but what if the chick's like, look, I'm fingering myself on my cell phone? 0.93
01:50:36.000 Where's your dad?
01:50:38.000 Where's your dad?
01:50:40.000 What happened to you when you were young?
01:50:41.000 What happened?
01:50:43.000 Sarah Silverman?
01:50:44.000 Sarah Silverman's funny. 1.00
01:50:46.000 But she wouldn't be funny if she showed her pussy. 1.00
01:50:48.000 She's funny if she talks about her pussy. 1.00
01:50:51.000 But if she showed it, she killed... 1.00
01:50:53.000 I did that K-Rock thing with her last year. 1.00
01:50:55.000 There was like a...
01:50:57.000 Some K-Rock comedy night. 0.90
01:51:00.000 She was hilarious. 0.53
01:51:00.000 She crushed it. 0.53
01:51:01.000 Goddamn. 1.00
01:51:02.000 She crushed it. 1.00
01:51:03.000 She's funny, man.
01:51:06.000 Patton Oswalt, too.
01:51:08.000 Yeah, he's hilarious.
01:51:09.000 That guy's a really good writer.
01:51:12.000 I always see him at Starbucks.
01:51:13.000 He's one of my favorite writers.
01:51:14.000 He's always with his kid.
01:51:15.000 He's like being dad, Mr. Dad, instead of the kid.
01:51:18.000 He always surprises me with where he goes with his writing.
01:51:22.000 I really like his writing.
01:51:24.000 You know, his stuff is like, he'll go someplace, and he'll take a premise that, like, you would think, like, maybe you would, like, think about, like, maybe I'll talk about this on stage, and then you go, eh, it's not funny enough.
01:51:36.000 But he makes it funny.
01:51:38.000 He actually makes the joke out of it.
01:51:39.000 Yeah, he beats it down and conforms it and makes it funny with his writing. 0.99
01:51:44.000 He always takes shit to a place that I'm always surprised. 0.99
01:51:47.000 Come to Seattle. 1.00
01:51:48.000 I'm going to come to Seattle, motherfucker. 1.00
01:51:50.000 Eventually. 1.00
01:51:51.000 They put the comedy on a new place.
01:51:53.000 Is it better?
01:51:54.000 They changed it.
01:51:54.000 I don't know.
01:51:56.000 I've heard it's real good again. 1.00
01:51:58.000 This is a stupid way to see this. 1.00
01:52:01.000 Because these hashtag things... 1.00
01:52:02.000 Yeah? 1.00
01:52:03.000 This is stupid. 1.00
01:52:04.000 Why? 1.00
01:52:05.000 Well, because it keeps scrolling and they can't fucking read it. 0.96
01:52:08.000 At least when you go to actual Twitter, it doesn't do that. 0.96
01:52:12.000 Oh.
01:52:16.000 When you go to actual Twitter, you can actually sit there and look at questions.
01:52:19.000 There's probably a way to stop it.
01:52:20.000 Yeah, I'm not looking at hashtags.
01:52:22.000 I'm just looking at that app thing now.
01:52:25.000 I'm going to just look at that now.
01:52:26.000 Can we do that?
01:52:27.000 It depends.
01:52:29.000 What happened with this, though?
01:52:30.000 I think what Ustream's thinking, if that's who's doing it, I think Ustream's thinking if there's a ton of people that do the hashtag, then it'll show up as a trending topic.
01:52:39.000 Here's a good question.
01:52:40.000 Salvia, have you ever done it?
01:52:42.000 Brian's done salvia.
01:52:44.000 You have videos on.
01:52:44.000 Did you have a video, Ari?
01:52:46.000 I did it once.
01:52:47.000 Did you put a video up of you doing it?
01:52:48.000 Brian did.
01:52:51.000 What was that long?
01:52:53.000 It was super cool.
01:52:54.000 It was just sort of tripping out.
01:52:55.000 You were on top of houses looking at people's lawns or something like that.
01:52:59.000 I was on my childhood lawn and I could feel that reality here and the other reality went like this and bent right here.
01:53:08.000 The real reality here and I was trying to not make them overlap because then I would never come back.
01:53:16.000 I thought my face became carpet and then it melted and tore off and then I went down a water slide.
01:53:23.000 And then I was like, are you talking about my face?
01:53:24.000 Are you talking about my face?
01:53:27.000 How crazy is it that that's legal?
01:53:29.000 Salvia is illegal.
01:53:30.000 Well, in some places it is.
01:53:32.000 It's actually turning illegal now.
01:53:34.000 A lot of places.
01:53:34.000 In a couple places.
01:53:35.000 Really?
01:53:35.000 Yeah, Florida.
01:53:36.000 Yeah, but there's 50 states.
01:53:38.000 Florida.
01:53:38.000 How many of them are going to make it illegal?
01:53:40.000 I don't know.
01:53:40.000 Pretty fast, though.
01:53:41.000 I think they just did seven states recently or something like that. 0.98
01:53:49.000 Damn, this is the Mark Gaden, whoever you are? 0.98
01:53:52.000 Who's Mark Gaden? 1.00
01:53:52.000 I'm gonna block you. 1.00
01:53:54.000 Is he annoying? 0.95
01:53:55.000 Yeah, you talk too much.
01:53:57.000 Is that Mark Gaden?
01:53:58.000 I don't think so, it's a fake one.
01:54:00.000 No, it's real.
01:54:02.000 It's real Mark Gaden?
01:54:03.000 It's real.
01:54:03.000 Wow.
01:54:04.000 Just like the cheaters, it's real.
01:54:06.000 This woman, Canadianlicious, says, were they all on lollipops also, the contestants?
01:54:11.000 No, I got the contestants high on meth.
01:54:14.000 Because you want to have a good show.
01:54:16.000 You want to have a good, motivated group of people out there trying to compete.
01:54:20.000 So, it was common knowledge that the set supplied...
01:54:24.000 No, I'm making this up.
01:54:25.000 Hey, have you ever seen...
01:54:27.000 Just kidding.
01:54:28.000 No one was on any drugs, ladies and gentlemen.
01:54:30.000 They were on...
01:54:33.000 We gave Diet Coke and you could have a water if you wanted that, too. 1.00
01:54:37.000 Or you could have a regular coke if you don't give a fuck. 0.99
01:54:41.000 But no, the contestants weren't on drugs. 1.00
01:54:44.000 It was just me.
01:54:45.000 I was on a little bit of weed to try to get through the day. 0.99
01:54:48.000 Have you ever seen a pussy with gray pubic hair yet in real life? 1.00
01:54:51.000 I have not in real life. 1.00
01:54:52.000 Have you?
01:54:53.000 No.
01:54:53.000 Really?
01:54:54.000 Not yet.
01:54:56.000 But one day, that's all we're going to be seeing.
01:54:58.000 One day. 1.00
01:54:59.000 You're going to be like, why did you start shaving your pussy? 1.00
01:55:01.000 Shut up. 1.00
01:55:02.000 It's going to have that gray tint. 1.00
01:55:04.000 Yeah.
01:55:05.000 It's going to always look dusty.
01:55:07.000 Oh, no.
01:55:08.000 There's something on there.
01:55:09.000 What is that?
01:55:10.000 You're going to be able to see the ingrown hair.
01:55:12.000 My cubes.
01:55:16.000 Ah.
01:55:18.000 Other than knees and downward elbows, what other MMA rules we like to see on it?
01:55:24.000 I don't know, you know, I think that should be up to a vote, what they should allow.
01:55:27.000 What?
01:55:28.000 Rules?
01:55:28.000 Yeah, knees on the ground, stuff like that.
01:55:30.000 I think in a certain...
01:55:32.000 There's a certain part about knees on the ground and kicks where the cage, you can't get away from them in certain places.
01:55:38.000 If you get trapped up against the cage, dudes are going to take damage that they wouldn't normally take. 0.99
01:55:42.000 Whereas if they did it in a ring, the thing about the ring is you can slide out of that bitch. 1.00
01:55:47.000 You can get your head under it and just avoid... 0.99
01:55:50.000 You can't get trapped there.
01:55:54.000 You kind of can get trapped in the turnbuckle in the corner.
01:55:57.000 But not the same.
01:55:59.000 There's openings all over the place.
01:56:00.000 What about having a warning track around the cage and you can't kick somebody in the head on the ground inside that warning track?
01:56:06.000 That's a good idea.
01:56:07.000 That's a real good idea.
01:56:08.000 Dude, look at you.
01:56:09.000 Just thought of it.
01:56:10.000 That's a real good idea right there, ladies and gentlemen.
01:56:12.000 A warning track around the cage where knees on the ground are not effective. 0.98
01:56:17.000 And so what you do is you grab a guy, you get him in a fucking hold, and you pull him into the middle so you can knee him in the head. 0.99
01:56:23.000 Knee him on the ground. 1.00
01:56:25.000 Maybe. 0.88
01:56:26.000 Yeah, that's actually a smart move.
01:56:27.000 That would make it really interesting.
01:56:29.000 No gravity.
01:56:30.000 It would have more strategies.
01:56:31.000 People would try to go to that warning track.
01:56:32.000 I think people would kind of be excited about that, too.
01:56:35.000 You know?
01:56:35.000 Like, they're near the knee.
01:56:36.000 They're near the knee area. 1.00
01:56:38.000 And people would talk shit. 0.99
01:56:39.000 Everyone gets to the middle. 1.00
01:56:40.000 It's like, oh shit, it's in the middle. 0.99
01:56:41.000 What's he going to do? 0.99
01:56:41.000 He can't go anywhere. 0.99
01:56:42.000 He's got a knee lift. 1.00
01:56:43.000 Yeah, and people would talk shit. 0.99
01:56:44.000 Well, he was real smart. 0.99
01:56:45.000 He stayed away from the knee area. 1.00
01:56:47.000 I was going to fuck him up in that knee area. 1.00
01:56:50.000 He was scared of my strength, so he didn't want to bang with me. 1.00
01:56:55.000 Exactly.
01:56:56.000 He didn't want to bang with me.
01:56:57.000 I don't know.
01:56:58.000 He said he wanted to fight.
01:57:01.000 Yeah.
01:57:02.000 This guy says in the past he broadcasts with UFC with guest announcers...
01:57:11.000 You find that limits your broadcasting or messes with chemistry.
01:57:14.000 No, no.
01:57:15.000 You know, those guys were nice guys.
01:57:17.000 I did it once with Craig Hummer and once with Matt Vaskurgeon.
01:57:20.000 They're both nice guys, very professional.
01:57:23.000 But Goldberg's my, he's a good buddy.
01:57:26.000 We're friends, we're real good friends.
01:57:27.000 So I like having him around, it's fun.
01:57:29.000 And I think he's excellent at what he does. 0.99
01:57:31.000 That shit's very hard. 0.99
01:57:32.000 Did I ever see Bill Hicks live, B. Frederick 30? 1.00
01:57:35.000 Yeah, I saw him a couple of times live.
01:57:37.000 I saw him in LA when he was just starting to be known.
01:57:44.000 I saw him clear a room.
01:57:45.000 I saw him bomb.
01:57:47.000 He went up after this really hacky guy, and the guy was doing all these impressions of different cartoon characters smoking weed. 0.83
01:57:55.000 He's a nice guy, but it was just really hacky stuff.
01:57:57.000 And the audience was eating it up.
01:57:59.000 And Hicks went on afterwards with all this. 0.99
01:58:02.000 George Bush, war, John Davidson coming out of Oprah Winfrey's ass when Oprah Winfrey's on the toilet. 0.99
01:58:11.000 No, it wasn't Oprah Winfrey. 0.99
01:58:12.000 Who was it?
01:58:13.000 He would do it with a bunch of different people. 0.98
01:58:16.000 Anyway, he has these crazy fucking bits and social commentary and the audience is getting up in giant chunks. 0.98
01:58:23.000 They were getting up like 10, 15 people at a time. 0.99
01:58:26.000 They left.
01:58:27.000 They abandoned him.
01:58:27.000 And he was just eating it on stage.
01:58:31.000 But...
01:58:32.000 We were loving it.
01:58:33.000 It was like me and maybe like seven or eight other comics.
01:58:37.000 But he was bombing better than I'd ever seen anybody bomb.
01:58:40.000 He was bombing like a champion. 0.99
01:58:42.000 Like he didn't give a fuck. 1.00
01:58:44.000 He's taking a shit, right? 1.00
01:58:45.000 He's doing this bit where... 1.00
01:58:46.000 I don't remember who the other...
01:58:48.000 He did one...
01:58:49.000 Sometimes he used to do it with Oprah Winfrey.
01:58:51.000 I don't think that was Oprah this time.
01:58:53.000 But it was like that... 0.98
01:58:56.000 That she shits out John Davidson. 0.54
01:58:58.000 I forget how the bit goes, but it was a really funny bit. 0.82
01:59:01.000 John Davidson was the host of That's Incredible.
01:59:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:59:05.000 Or maybe it was the devil fuck John Davidson. 1.00
01:59:08.000 So anyway, he's in the middle of squatting down on stage, just making these moaning noises like he's taking a shit. 1.00
01:59:15.000 And he's doing it for like a minute. 0.98
01:59:17.000 He's like...
01:59:19.000 He looks up and he goes, yeah, that usually clears room.
01:59:24.000 And then he goes back to it.
01:59:26.000 And he did it without any...
01:59:28.000 There was no feeling that he was self-conscious. 1.00
01:59:32.000 It was a feeling like, yeah, I'm bombing, fuck it. 0.99
01:59:35.000 It wasn't like, holy shit, I'm bombing. 0.99
01:59:37.000 It was like he was making fun of it, and it was awesome. 0.86
01:59:40.000 It was really, really interesting to watch.
01:59:42.000 It was like the best I'd ever seen anybody bomb.
01:59:44.000 But we, like I said, we laughed our asses off. 0.75
01:59:47.000 And I've seen him kill, too. 0.95
01:59:48.000 I saw him kill a couple times at The Common Connection.
01:59:51.000 With all his...
01:59:52.000 Jimmy Hendrix...
01:59:55.000 When Debbie Gibson was famous.
01:59:57.000 Jimmy Hendrix running into Debbie Gibson at the mall.
02:00:00.000 Really?
02:00:00.000 Yeah, it was really loud.
02:00:01.000 It was funny stuff.
02:00:02.000 He was a lot like Sam Kinison.
02:00:05.000 A lot like Kinison.
02:00:06.000 You could tell that they worked together.
02:00:10.000 And dudes work together as much as we try not to.
02:00:13.000 We pick up little pieces of each other's styles.
02:00:16.000 Yeah, totally.
02:00:18.000 And part of it is like...
02:00:19.000 I don't know.
02:00:19.000 It's like...
02:00:20.000 We all say powerful, right?
02:00:22.000 Why do we all say powerful?
02:00:24.000 Because of my friend Larry.
02:00:26.000 Because Larry said powerful.
02:00:27.000 Larry was the original powerful.
02:00:28.000 So you've got to give credit to the original powerful, but everybody says powerful.
02:00:32.000 It's like it's out there too much.
02:00:33.000 Yeah, it's like it's out there.
02:00:34.000 It's nobody's now.
02:00:35.000 No one's saying they invented it.
02:00:36.000 They're all saying that.
02:00:37.000 Yeah, exactly.
02:00:39.000 People all around have been saying that.
02:00:41.000 Rad.
02:00:41.000 Exactly.
02:00:42.000 Rad is a perfect example.
02:00:44.000 Anything like that.
02:00:45.000 There's like something that's hot.
02:00:48.000 It just becomes a part of the vernacular.
02:00:51.000 Huge.
02:00:52.000 Huge. 1.00
02:00:53.000 All that shit. 1.00
02:00:54.000 Dude, it's huge. 1.00
02:00:56.000 And when that happens, but that's the original Powerful is Larry.
02:01:00.000 But anyway, my point is that Bill Hicks and Kinison, I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg?
02:01:06.000 I don't know who was influencing who.
02:01:08.000 I know Kinnison was the godfather of comedy in Houston.
02:01:11.000 He was the guy that made everybody want to do comedy.
02:01:13.000 He was the leader of the outlaws, and Hicks was clearly his underling.
02:01:19.000 But if you look at the writing, Hicks' writing was so much different.
02:01:24.000 They were so different.
02:01:26.000 When they both developed into their own thing, Hicks always had to say something. 0.99
02:01:32.000 Whereas Kinison was just fucking, we're here for fun. 0.99
02:01:35.000 We're here to party. 1.00
02:01:36.000 We're here for chaos.
02:01:38.000 You know?
02:01:39.000 You got it with Kinison anyway.
02:01:41.000 You got his take.
02:01:42.000 Yeah, definitely.
02:01:43.000 He didn't have to say it.
02:01:44.000 He did it with jokes.
02:01:45.000 Yeah.
02:01:45.000 Like, I think that that's it.
02:01:47.000 Life keeps fucking you in the ass after you're dead. 1.00
02:01:49.000 It was like, wow, you can't say better how you really feel about life. 1.00
02:01:53.000 Can't say better.
02:01:54.000 That was an awesome one and the one on the starving children, those commercials.
02:01:57.000 Come on, that's one of the greatest comedy bits in the history of the universe.
02:02:01.000 Yeah.
02:02:01.000 When he's doing that bit about those kids starving, I'm like, you want me to feed them?
02:02:05.000 Why don't you feed them? 0.99
02:02:06.000 You're right fucking there! 1.00
02:02:09.000 And then it's like, don't feed them. 1.00
02:02:11.000 Send them people like me.
02:02:12.000 Send them people that are going to go there and tell you that we wouldn't have to come here 5,000 miles with your food if you people live where the food is!
02:02:21.000 You live in a desert!
02:02:22.000 There's no Winchell's Donuts in the desert. 1.00
02:02:24.000 Come here, come here, motherfucker! 1.00
02:02:26.000 You know what this is? 1.00
02:02:27.000 That's sand!
02:02:28.000 You know what's going to be a thousand years from now? 1.00
02:02:30.000 Fuckin' sand! 1.00
02:02:31.000 We got deserts in America too! 1.00
02:02:33.000 We just don't live in them, asshole! 1.00
02:02:37.000 And you go, God damn. 1.00
02:02:40.000 I remember when I first saw that, I was like, that's the greatest comedy I've ever seen ever. 0.99
02:02:44.000 Just completely not caring. 0.99
02:02:45.000 Just didn't give a fuck, and there was no one like it. 0.99
02:02:48.000 Because I grew up in, when I first heard Kenison, I was living in really conservative Boston. 0.99
02:02:55.000 Really religious.
02:02:57.000 Everyone was either Catholic or Jewish.
02:02:59.000 Very conservative.
02:03:00.000 A lot of angry people, but also very conservative. 1.00
02:03:02.000 You never heard shit like that. 0.99
02:03:04.000 Nothing! 1.00
02:03:05.000 You never heard people have the balls to talk like that. 1.00
02:03:08.000 Even when your friends are around, you're all by yourselves, you don't have the balls to talk that crazy. 1.00
02:03:14.000 So to hear someone like that, you're like, whoa! 0.99
02:03:18.000 He changed comedy.
02:03:20.000 He's one of those guys who came along and changed comedy.
02:03:23.000 There was nobody like that before him.
02:03:26.000 He was a total original.
02:03:28.000 There was a young comedian special where you see Sager was on and a couple other guys, Nelson or whatever his kind of name was, and it was like, whatever, that's that type of comedy.
02:03:35.000 And you see him come on and you're like, oh, it's all going to be that from now on.
02:03:38.000 It can't be the other way anymore.
02:03:41.000 Yeah, they were fine.
02:03:41.000 They were all good, but he was just so raw.
02:03:44.000 So much energy.
02:03:46.000 Yeah.
02:03:46.000 So much power.
02:03:47.000 And what he was saying made so much fucking sense. 0.98
02:03:49.000 It was all so real, too. 0.95
02:03:51.000 Yeah.
02:03:51.000 It wasn't like, hey, this is...
02:03:53.000 It was the same one where Bob Nelson put...
02:03:55.000 Is that his name, Bob Nelson?
02:03:56.000 Yeah.
02:03:56.000 And he put balloons in his ear.
02:03:58.000 He goes, it's my impression of a football player.
02:04:00.000 And he runs and looks like a...
02:04:01.000 And it's like, eh, that's a funny thing you did, but it's not you.
02:04:06.000 Yeah.
02:04:09.000 It's not...
02:04:09.000 It wasn't as good.
02:04:12.000 When Kenison did that joke about Jesus, you think Jesus is coming back?
02:04:16.000 I think the last words we ever heard from Jesus are, oh, oh, not my left hand!
02:04:20.000 Oh, oh! 0.58
02:04:23.000 That whole screaming style, that powerful style.
02:04:27.000 I mean, that's my favorite kind of comedy. 0.99
02:04:29.000 Like Joey Diaz when he's mad, when he's fucking screaming at you, when he's getting fucking crazy. 0.99
02:04:34.000 Five dollars for gas. 0.99
02:04:35.000 Love that style. 1.00
02:04:37.000 I'll fucking kill Osama Bin Laden. 1.00
02:04:39.000 I'll kill George Bush. 1.00
02:04:40.000 I'll fucking kill Kobe I like Hedberg's style. 1.00
02:04:48.000 I like that too, but I like them all, man. 0.99
02:04:53.000 That's a beautiful thing about comedies.
02:04:54.000 You can't tell someone how to do comedy right.
02:04:57.000 Nobody can do it correctly.
02:04:59.000 Anybody's got their own way. 0.99
02:05:01.000 Comedy is just a nutty fucking art form, man. 0.97
02:05:04.000 Everybody's got a different way of doing it, and every way it works. 0.99
02:05:07.000 You know?
02:05:08.000 Like, if Mitch Hedberg was trying to do his act like Kinison, that would be crazy.
02:05:12.000 But if Kinison was trying to do his act like Mitch Hedberg, like, what?
02:05:15.000 I wonder if there's any footage of old, old Mitch Hedberg right when he's starting to open mics when he's trying to do, like, normal boy comedy.
02:05:20.000 Wow.
02:05:21.000 Before he developed it, you know?
02:05:22.000 That would be really interesting to see.
02:05:24.000 How are you guys?
02:05:25.000 How you doing?
02:05:26.000 Well, you've seen the, um, Larry the Cable Guy videos.
02:05:29.000 Yeah.
02:05:29.000 Right?
02:05:29.000 That's incredible.
02:05:30.000 Yeah.
02:05:30.000 Dan Whitney.
02:05:32.000 Yeah.
02:05:34.000 That guy.
02:05:35.000 Larry the Cable Guy.
02:05:38.000 Is the most successful stand-up comedian in the history of the world.
02:05:42.000 No one's even close.
02:05:43.000 I don't know.
02:05:44.000 As far as live gate sales, he sells out like football arenas, man.
02:05:49.000 Really?
02:05:49.000 Football arenas, like 50,000 people.
02:05:51.000 Wow.
02:05:52.000 Josh Wolfe opens for him.
02:05:53.000 Yeah, he does. 1.00
02:05:54.000 They get on a giant stage in a fucking football arena, dude. 1.00
02:05:57.000 That's crazy. 1.00
02:05:59.000 He had pictures of it on his phone.
02:06:00.000 He was showing me the pictures.
02:06:02.000 He's like, look, man, this is the audience. 1.00
02:06:03.000 And you look at it, you go, what the fuck? 1.00
02:06:05.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:06:05.000 That's like a world. 1.00
02:06:07.000 You're doing it for like, you're doing like a country. 1.00
02:06:10.000 How do you connect with all those fucking people? 1.00
02:06:12.000 You just tell your jokes. 1.00
02:06:14.000 Slowly.
02:06:15.000 I don't know, man.
02:06:15.000 Do you think you could connect with all those people?
02:06:17.000 I don't know.
02:06:18.000 No. 1.00
02:06:18.000 Man, you'd have to be a powerful, charismatic motherfucker. 1.00
02:06:22.000 They would have to really like you, too, to connect with all those people. 0.99
02:06:25.000 I can't even see your facial expressions so far back.
02:06:27.000 It's true.
02:06:28.000 The only thing is that they would have to have some big-ass screens.
02:06:30.000 Yes, I'm sure they'll have that.
02:06:31.000 But football arenas are primarily outdoor things, right?
02:06:36.000 Uh-huh.
02:06:37.000 They're never covered, right?
02:06:38.000 They're covered sometimes?
02:06:40.000 They're heated sometimes?
02:06:41.000 Sometimes they're heated?
02:06:42.000 If they're indoors, yeah, they're heated.
02:06:45.000 They're like Minneapolis, the Metrodome.
02:06:47.000 Oh, they have to be.
02:06:48.000 It's like 30 below zero.
02:06:50.000 No, they can have outside.
02:06:51.000 Green Bay, they have outside.
02:06:52.000 Do they have outside on 30 below zero?
02:06:53.000 Yeah.
02:06:54.000 People go to the games?
02:06:54.000 They never cancel football games.
02:06:56.000 God damn, that's crazy. 1.00
02:06:59.000 Football games are motherfuckers, man. 1.00
02:07:01.000 When you see those dudes playing in snow... 1.00
02:07:03.000 There's always that one fan, no shirt on, painted up.
02:07:06.000 Nuts, man.
02:07:06.000 Yeah.
02:07:07.000 There's something cool about that.
02:07:08.000 Yeah.
02:07:09.000 There's something...
02:07:09.000 If you want to talk about a sport that really does represent America, that represents America.
02:07:15.000 That's a crazy-ass fucking sport. 0.99
02:07:17.000 They will play even if it's pouring rain. 1.00
02:07:19.000 No rain out there.
02:07:20.000 Monsoons.
02:07:21.000 Conditions aren't good.
02:07:22.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:07:22.000 Tough shit. 1.00
02:07:22.000 Sunday, brother. 1.00
02:07:23.000 Yeah.
02:07:25.000 In some countries, they have to deal with inclement weather so much.
02:07:29.000 Some places have to deal with something.
02:07:30.000 We don't have nothing in California.
02:07:33.000 Baseball, it's like, it's raining.
02:07:34.000 It's 73 degrees.
02:07:36.000 Isn't that incredible?
02:07:39.000 They won't even play in the rain.
02:07:40.000 I'm like, yeah, it'll be harder.
02:07:41.000 They're not even hitting each other with anything.
02:07:44.000 You know? 0.99
02:07:44.000 Those guys are snowed in and they're running into each other full clip in the fucking freezing cold. 0.99
02:07:50.000 You remember when you were a little kid you would fall when it was cold out and it would hurt so much more? 0.98
02:07:54.000 Well, catching a football in the cold when somebody whips it in, you'd go, ow! 1.00
02:07:58.000 Fuck! 1.00
02:07:58.000 It hurts so bad. 1.00
02:07:59.000 I mean, how cold, how much does it hurt when you get clipped by a fucking gigantic 300 pound mind move? 0.99
02:08:05.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:08:06.000 God, that must be so painful.
02:08:09.000 Do you think we've reached the end of this program?
02:08:11.000 Let's go eat something.
02:08:12.000 Pretty close.
02:08:13.000 I think this is about the end.
02:08:14.000 We've determined that at two hours in, we usually start getting boring. 0.99
02:08:18.000 I'm hungry as shit. 0.99
02:08:19.000 And Ari, Ari Shafir got them munchies. 0.99
02:08:21.000 I'm a holla bank. 0.99
02:08:23.000 We didn't take that many questions, but hopefully we were entertaining to you, bitches. 1.00
02:08:27.000 But sometimes the questions helped us go on with that. 0.97
02:08:29.000 Yes, yes, definitely.
02:08:30.000 Well, if it wasn't for you guys, we couldn't have done this, obviously.
02:08:32.000 What did we do?
02:08:33.000 We just talked.
02:08:33.000 That's probably why they're doing ONA. They'll take a call, they'll deal with it for a while, and they'll go off until they're ready for another caller.
02:08:38.000 They'll just keep going.
02:08:39.000 Well, we've been looking for something like this for a long time.
02:08:42.000 We've been looking for something like this to do some sort of a radio show, and I've talked about it.
02:08:46.000 Like, hey, maybe we could all do Death Squad radio or something like that.
02:08:50.000 But really, what I realized...
02:08:53.000 The best way to do it is to do it like this.
02:08:55.000 Do it on the internet.
02:08:56.000 And we'll have this thing evolve, turn this room into a real setup where you can sit down and watch us.
02:09:06.000 We're going to have laptops set up so that we can play videos. 0.97
02:09:10.000 You know, like, hey, there's a, you know, some crazy new fucking animal attack video. 0.63
02:09:14.000 Can we figure out a way so that when we do play a video, just plug it in and then the screen goes to that video? 0.97
02:09:19.000 No, no, no.
02:09:20.000 Next week we're going to have it completely different.
02:09:22.000 Next week is when we're going to have all that stuff.
02:09:25.000 Like video on video.
02:09:26.000 We could have like three people talking at once.
02:09:28.000 We're just, he's going to have his internet done.
02:09:31.000 It's done right now.
02:09:32.000 We just have to change the router. 0.99
02:09:33.000 Next week's show, we'll have a bunch of fun shit. 0.75
02:09:36.000 Yeah, what we're going to do is we're going to keep doing this every week, and we're going to, like, it's going to expand, and eventually, I think eventually the internet is going to make its way into your car. 0.95
02:09:45.000 That's what I think is going to happen.
02:09:46.000 I think the internet would podcast and stuff like that.
02:09:48.000 Like, we aren't making MP3s of this.
02:09:50.000 We should have.
02:09:51.000 Maybe we can.
02:09:52.000 No, we can.
02:09:52.000 We can still make it, yeah.
02:09:53.000 Okay.
02:09:54.000 Well, we'll start making MP3s and putting it up as podcasts, because there was nothing about this when you needed to see us. 0.87
02:09:58.000 So we're going to do shit like this, and then we're just going to do a lot more internet stuff. 0.89
02:10:05.000 Really... 0.97
02:10:06.000 What's really good about any sort of a television show is the money, A, and the fact that people now come out to see your stand-up, which is what we're always trying to work on. 0.85
02:10:15.000 You know, I mean, if you've never seen Ari, Ari's fucking hilarious. 1.00
02:10:19.000 There's a lot of dudes that are out there that are headlining these big clubs that, in my opinion, they're not as developed as Ari is. 0.68
02:10:26.000 They're not as funny as Ari is, but Ari doesn't have that many credits.
02:10:29.000 So it's hard for...
02:10:30.000 Just clubs to book him and then they assume that people are going to come out and see him.
02:10:35.000 People come out and see somebody because they know that guy from a movie or from a television show or whatever. 0.99
02:10:39.000 But Ari's a filthy pig, and he goes on stage in these auditions, and they say, whatever you do, don't talk about rape. 1.00
02:10:47.000 So what does Ari do? 1.00
02:10:47.000 How can I not talk about rape? 1.00
02:10:48.000 He does this seven-minute rape bit, which is a hilarious bit.
02:10:53.000 But the reason why some dudes are funny is also the reason why people don't find out that some dudes are funny.
02:11:00.000 We have a guy that we know that's probably one of the funniest guys ever, this guy Brian Holtzman.
02:11:04.000 And no one knows who Brian Holtzman is because he's so crazy.
02:11:07.000 He should have hit big. 0.99
02:11:09.000 He was the guy that, like, he was so crazy. 0.73
02:11:12.000 We would always go into the back of the room and watch him when he went on stage. 0.54
02:11:15.000 Such a real hatred.
02:11:16.000 Yeah, and get so angry and nutty, and every now and then he'd break character.
02:11:20.000 And a nice guy to be around, too, when he was hanging around at the club.
02:11:23.000 He was always friendly.
02:11:24.000 You know what I would love to see?
02:11:25.000 A reality show with Brody Stevens and him, and they lived together.
02:11:29.000 Why?
02:11:30.000 Brody was too sensitive.
02:11:31.000 He'd get mad.
02:11:32.000 But wouldn't that be great?
02:11:33.000 No.
02:11:33.000 Brody Stevens and Brent Ernst.
02:11:36.000 No.
02:11:37.000 No, I think that Holtzman and Brody Stevens together would be hilarious.
02:11:46.000 Do you think that following comedians would be worthwhile for like a show?
02:11:50.000 Like if you look at like the Kardashians.
02:11:52.000 You'd have to edit it. 0.99
02:11:53.000 But if it was actually real real, I think it would be interesting to get them to have fucked up some more. 0.94
02:11:57.000 What's the appeal of keeping up with the Kardashians? 1.00
02:11:59.000 It's just that she's got a fat ass. 1.00
02:12:00.000 That's it. 1.00
02:12:01.000 That was the entire appeal. 1.00
02:12:02.000 Are they dumb? 1.00
02:12:03.000 Yeah, they're dumb. 1.00
02:12:04.000 Is that what it is? 1.00
02:12:05.000 But a lot of people are dumb too. 1.00
02:12:07.000 They don't mind. 1.00
02:12:08.000 Well, sort of.
02:12:09.000 You know, they have some money.
02:12:10.000 Not like Paris Hilton money. 0.97
02:12:12.000 But a lot of people have good asses.
02:12:14.000 Yeah, but you just gotta put one on TV. People become famous just because of their ass. 1.00
02:12:19.000 Evita Guerra chick? 1.00
02:12:20.000 I know who she is.
02:12:21.000 She probably doesn't even know who I am.
02:12:22.000 I know who she is.
02:12:23.000 Why? 1.00
02:12:24.000 Because of her ass. 1.00
02:12:25.000 I don't even know what her voice sounds like. 1.00
02:12:26.000 I know her face looks like Joey Diaz. 0.99
02:12:27.000 But she's only doing ass stuff. 1.00
02:12:30.000 She sits on that shit. 1.00
02:12:32.000 You know her for what she's doing. 1.00
02:12:34.000 But they'll take...
02:12:36.000 Someone like, what's her name?
02:12:37.000 Okay, you're a TV star now.
02:12:39.000 Jennifer Lopez.
02:12:40.000 How about that? 1.00
02:12:41.000 Famous because of her ass. 1.00
02:12:42.000 Not really. 1.00
02:12:43.000 Famous because of her talent, but recognized because of her ass. 1.00
02:12:47.000 That's like one celebrity where everybody talks. 1.00
02:12:49.000 If you talk about Jennifer Lopez, you talk about her ass. 1.00
02:12:52.000 There's a lot of celebrities that have great asses. 1.00
02:12:54.000 And her feet. 1.00
02:12:55.000 Our feet are hot? 1.00
02:12:56.000 You're a fucking weirdo. 1.00
02:12:58.000 God damn it. 1.00
02:13:00.000 What's up with people liking feet? 1.00
02:13:02.000 That's so gross. 0.63
02:13:02.000 That's a very strange thing. 0.63
02:13:04.000 Yeah, a very strange thing. 0.86
02:13:06.000 But anyway, we're always trying to do something fun where we could all do it together and just hang out and shoot the shit because we have these conversations sometimes and we say, man, you know, this is way more fun than like... 0.65
02:13:17.000 Like a radio show. 0.95
02:13:18.000 Why don't we do our own thing like this? 0.99
02:13:20.000 Just figuring out how to get it made is always the bitch. 1.00
02:13:22.000 That's always the hard part, but this is easy. 0.99
02:13:26.000 Now that there's something like this, we don't have to figure out shit. 0.99
02:13:29.000 So we'll do this. 0.97
02:13:30.000 I think it's a good creative outlet. 0.95
02:13:32.000 We have to go over what we said today, but there was some funny shit that could have been bits.
02:13:38.000 I like the idea of a 360 camera. 0.58
02:13:41.000 360 of the whole room?
02:13:43.000 Multiple cameras.
02:13:45.000 We're going to have multiple cameras.
02:13:47.000 Next week we may have it set up so you can choose which camera you want.
02:13:50.000 So if it's multiple cameras, can we have it so they can set up to choose which camera it is but everyone comes off one sound feed?
02:13:55.000 Right.
02:13:57.000 Oh, that's awesome.
02:13:59.000 Alright, well that's what we're going to do, ladies and gentlemen.
02:14:00.000 I'm getting a four square box. 1.00
02:14:02.000 And we're just going to do more of this shit. 1.00
02:14:04.000 Let you guys know what the fuck is going down. 1.00
02:14:07.000 This Sunday night, Ari and I are at the 930 Club in Washington, D.C. And it's Ari's old stomping grounds. 1.00
02:14:14.000 So, if there's any of you hookers out there with an itchy mouth... 1.00
02:14:18.000 It has nothing to do with my old stopping routes. 0.98
02:14:20.000 I'm still willing.
02:14:21.000 Who's going to get it scratched?
02:14:22.000 It has nothing to do with my old stopping routes. 0.99
02:14:24.000 Ari's been saying he really would like a blowjob. 0.98
02:14:26.000 A return show in D.C. It's a way we can honor our new president, Barack Obama. 0.99
02:14:34.000 And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning in to our little YouTube, or excuse me, Ustream, Ustream show, and we'll see you next week.
02:14:43.000 Eventually, we'll have a regular time that we try to adhere to every week, and it might move around a little bit, but for the most part, it'll be like around now, like Wednesday afternoon.
02:14:52.000 Possibly Tuesday if we have something out.