The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #33 -- Dane Cook

00:00:00.000 We are live, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:02.000 Thank you very much for tuning into the podcast once again.

00:00:05.000 My friend Brian Redband, of course, as always.

00:00:07.000 And today joining us, the wonderful and talented Mr. Dane Cook.

00:00:10.000 How are you, buddy?

00:00:11.000 How you doing, Chris?

00:00:11.000 Before we get going, I have to thank our sponsor, The Fleshlight.

00:00:16.000 Have you ever used one of these things? 0.99

00:00:17.000 Have you ever fucked one of these? 0.99

00:00:18.000 I have not. 1.00

00:00:19.000 Feel that.

00:00:20.000 It's fantastic.

00:00:20.000 Oh, my God.

00:00:21.000 Oh, Brian.

00:00:23.000 Oh, my God.

00:00:25.000 That's our delay in the background.

00:00:27.000 You guys can't hear it, but my computer's volume is on, of course.

00:00:32.000 But this is a sponsor of our show.

00:00:34.000 You're supposed to...

00:00:35.000 There's a little button right in the middle, Brian.

00:00:39.000 The upper level.

00:00:39.000 A round thing.

00:00:43.000 Is it off?

00:00:44.000 Okay.

00:00:45.000 Is it off?

00:00:46.000 Yeah, looks like it's off.

00:00:48.000 Powerful.

00:00:49.000 Anyway.

00:00:50.000 The idea...

00:00:51.000 First of all, why the...

00:00:52.000 Well, they offered to sponsor the show, and I said, why not, you know?

00:00:55.000 No, no, but why in the shape of the flashlight, you know?

00:00:59.000 Why is it a flashlight? 0.99

00:01:01.000 I guess that's so it makes it easier to hold, so you can fuck it easier. 0.99

00:01:04.000 Okay, and then once you're done and you ejaculate, can you open that to clean it out? 0.99

00:01:10.000 Yeah, that's why I say you unscrew the bottom and release the crack of the chain. 0.71

00:01:16.000 It just slithers out into the sink. 0.99

00:01:20.000 It is more shameful for some reason than masturbating. 0.98

00:01:23.000 It feels way better, but it's more shameful. 0.77

00:01:26.000 Like, I always joke that as I'm coming, I'm regretting it.

00:01:29.000 As I'm coming, I'm like...

00:01:30.000 Does it also serve as a flashlight?

00:01:34.000 No, it doesn't light up in case of...

00:01:36.000 It's not a flashlight.

00:01:37.000 You should have little lasers, pointer, flashlights, or something like that. 1.00

00:01:40.000 Yeah, it's just a silly little piece of shit. 0.99

00:01:43.000 By the way, talking about flashlights, they come in pink, and last night you performed for Pink. 0.99

00:01:48.000 I did. 0.99

00:01:48.000 What kind of a fucking shitty segue was that? 0.99

00:01:52.000 Asshole. 1.00

00:01:52.000 I did. 1.00

00:01:53.000 How dare you?

00:01:54.000 Subject my ears to that.

00:01:55.000 Actually, how was that though?

00:01:56.000 Was that pretty cool?

00:01:57.000 She called me up and she asked me if I would do her birthday party for her boyfriend, Carrie Hart, the BMX guy and all that.

00:02:05.000 And I haven't done a private anything in forever.

00:02:09.000 And I was like, nah, I'm a fan and stuff.

00:02:11.000 Seems weird, right?

00:02:12.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:13.000 I was like, I can't do that.

00:02:14.000 And then she was like, well, this is how much I can pay you.

00:02:16.000 Oh, really?

00:02:17.000 And I was like, it was actually a few weeks ago when the deal came together.

00:02:21.000 I was like, if you can do that and get me courtside for Lakers-Celtics, which I thought was impossible.

00:02:26.000 I'm like, I'm never going to get courtside last minute for the series.

00:02:29.000 Wow.

00:02:29.000 And she called back.

00:02:30.000 She goes, I got you courtside for the last two games, and I'll give you the VIG that you want. 1.00

00:02:35.000 Holy shit. 0.99

00:02:36.000 Next thing you know, I'm standing there. 1.00

00:02:38.000 It was the highest paying hell gig I've ever done in my life.

00:02:43.000 Was it bizarre?

00:02:44.000 Was it completely bizarre?

00:02:45.000 It was weird, man.

00:02:46.000 How many people were there?

00:02:48.000 75. And they had Pink and Carrie were on stage and, like, thrones that she'd gotten him.

00:02:54.000 And were you hired to do your act or to just talk to them and just say hi and fuck around? 0.65

00:02:59.000 I pretty much could have done anything, but I knew they were fans of, like, you know, my comedy. 0.92

00:03:03.000 So I was like, all right, I want to go in and do well. 0.98

00:03:05.000 But by the time I got up there, everybody's shit-faced. 0.98

00:03:07.000 And it felt like the Boston or something back in New York at, like, 2 in the morning. 0.98

00:03:11.000 Yeah.

00:03:13.000 Yeah, those gigs were awesome.

00:03:14.000 I've been a big fan of Pink lately.

00:03:16.000 Have you?

00:03:17.000 Like her recent shows?

00:03:20.000 Yeah, I know.

00:03:21.000 She's an incredible performer. 0.56

00:03:22.000 Yeah, I wrote a whole blog about her.

00:03:24.000 Brian, why am I not hearing myself?

00:03:26.000 There we go.

00:03:26.000 It was just that?

00:03:28.000 Yeah, just the Vine for you.

00:03:29.000 Oh, okay. 0.98

00:03:30.000 Yeah, dude, I wrote a whole blog about her performance at the Emmys that I watched, and I was like, holy shit. 0.98

00:03:35.000 Like, it was, like, perfect. 0.90

00:03:36.000 Like, her voice was perfect.

00:03:38.000 The way she carried herself was perfect. 0.93

00:03:40.000 And then when she actually suspended herself and started spinning around, I'm like, there's no fucking way she's really this good. 0.52

00:03:44.000 Yeah, and she's really singing. 0.85

00:03:46.000 Yeah, really singing the whole time.

00:03:48.000 And even, you know, people on the radio were like, she was lip syncing.

00:03:51.000 I don't think she was.

00:03:52.000 I don't think she was.

00:03:53.000 She wasn't.

00:03:54.000 Doing that and singing anyways is ridiculous if she really was doing that. 1.00

00:03:57.000 You know, she just fell doing that shit. 1.00

00:03:59.000 I saw that video. 1.00

00:04:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:04:02.000 That's scary as fuck. 0.99

00:04:03.000 But not only fell, but when she fell, the wire pulled her and pulled it to the very end until it was taut. 1.00

00:04:09.000 And I thought, if that snapped, it could have cut her head off. 0.99

00:04:11.000 Totally. 1.00

00:04:12.000 Wow.

00:04:12.000 And then it would have been the most popular video one.

00:04:15.000 How crazy would that have been?

00:04:17.000 Could you imagine watching Pink get her head cut off? 0.96

00:04:21.000 Decapitated.

00:04:21.000 Could you imagine if that was a real viral video?

00:04:24.000 Wow.

00:04:25.000 And then the sales will go up because isn't everything posthumous? 1.00

00:04:27.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:04:28.000 Huge. 1.00

00:04:29.000 Huge. 0.98

00:04:29.000 Anytime you die, even if you were mediocre, when you die, you were a little bit better than mediocre. 0.98

00:04:33.000 Yeah. 0.82

00:04:34.000 Everybody loves you.

00:04:34.000 Everybody goes crazy.

00:04:35.000 They're never going to hear you again. 1.00

00:04:36.000 So they go nuts and buy your shit, even though they forgot about you. 1.00

00:04:39.000 Right. 1.00

00:04:39.000 Look at Michael Jackson, who's, by the way, incredibly brilliant, talented. 1.00

00:04:42.000 But after he died, man, everybody went fucking nuts. 1.00

00:04:46.000 Everybody went nuts to buy his shit. 1.00

00:04:47.000 I thought it was fake for a bit. 1.00

00:04:49.000 Did you really?

00:04:50.000 Yeah, because I'm kind of like, I'm always like, all right, these guys...

00:04:53.000 A little bit, man.

00:04:54.000 It's like, I thought that, you know, he'd pop out like six months later, you know, because he needed something.

00:04:59.000 He needed the love back, man.

00:05:00.000 There was a lot of people that were not feeling Michael Jackson for a long time.

00:05:04.000 I don't think anybody's ever even tried to pull that death off.

00:05:07.000 I think if you tried to die, and I think that's a federal crime.

00:05:11.000 Is it really?

00:05:12.000 Yeah, I don't think you're allowed to do that.

00:05:14.000 You know, I mean, even as a publicity stunt, you would have to have medical records.

00:05:18.000 And if you have medical records, then people are going to find out they don't exist if you're faking it.

00:05:22.000 True.

00:05:23.000 I don't think he can do it.

00:05:24.000 The whole Tupac thing is ridiculous how it's gotten so crazy. 1.00

00:05:26.000 Fucking Elvis too, man. 0.99

00:05:28.000 Elvis back then, maybe you could pull it off. 1.00

00:05:30.000 You know, they killed JFK. They could probably fuck Elvis up. 1.00

00:05:34.000 Well, that was the whole thing is that everybody said Elvis faked his death to get away from the colonel to live a normal life because the colonel was like this megalomaniac. 0.99

00:05:41.000 Isn't that hilarious?

00:05:42.000 People are so romantic. 0.99

00:05:43.000 They don't realize that when you get to be Elvis famous, you are guaranteed fucking insane. 0.95

00:05:48.000 There's no way you can get away from it. 0.56

00:05:50.000 Elvis, this is back before the internet, this is back, you know, I mean, terrible movies he was doing.

00:05:55.000 He couldn't even leave his house.

00:05:56.000 He couldn't even walk down the street.

00:05:58.000 When people would see him, they would start screaming and fall to their knees.

00:06:01.000 Yeah.

00:06:02.000 My favorite Elvis story that I heard was at the height of everybody loving and hating Elvis, those buttons came out.

00:06:10.000 You know, I love Elvis.

00:06:11.000 And then the I hate Elvis pins came out.

00:06:13.000 He made those.

00:06:14.000 Him and the Colonel came up with that.

00:06:16.000 They sold more I hate Elvis pins.

00:06:18.000 I've heard of a bunch of people doing that or stealing that exact same idea.

00:06:22.000 That's awesome.

00:06:23.000 That's so awesome.

00:06:24.000 You know, the Elvis thing must be so sucky if you were a dude back then. 0.99

00:06:28.000 How the fuck do you compete with Elvis? 1.00

00:06:30.000 Your girl is screaming and yelling and you're fucking her and you know she really would way rather be fucking Elvis. 1.00

00:06:35.000 All you can really do is just play into it and just tell her you love Elvis and take her to Elvis and just try to make her Elvis fantasy come to fruition. 1.00

00:06:43.000 Yeah, put on the fucking wig, the whole deal. 1.00

00:06:45.000 Mutton chops. 1.00

00:06:47.000 There's an Elvis clip when he was really fucked up. 0.97

00:06:49.000 He was doing whatever drugs he was doing. 0.96

00:06:51.000 And he was bored.

00:06:52.000 And he was not remembering the lyrics. 0.96

00:06:54.000 And there's a gig he was doing in Hawaii where he's so fucking bored. 0.92

00:06:58.000 And you watch this. 0.96

00:06:59.000 He's not singing any of the lyrics right.

00:07:00.000 He's just...

00:07:02.000 Inside jokes with his band members and then he does the thing where he slowly backs up slowly during this one song to his three backup singers and in the middle of the song he just turns and screams in their faces and scares the shit out of them like literally turns and goes and they're all like as they're trying to sing He was gone.

00:07:21.000 Yeah, he was gone.

00:07:23.000 He was way too big.

00:07:24.000 You can't get that big.

00:07:25.000 It's not safe.

00:07:26.000 Big, and he was so...

00:07:28.000 I'm kind of a huge Elvis fan.

00:07:30.000 There's one documentary that Priscilla actually did years ago based on what she wrote where she finally talked about how insecure he really was. 0.66

00:07:37.000 He had his buddies living with him and shit, and if they wanted to go out to a dinner and he was by himself, he would freak out. 0.96

00:07:43.000 He would shoot TVs up. 0.99

00:07:44.000 He had to have his friends around him 24-7.

00:07:48.000 Whew.

00:07:50.000 Wow.

00:07:50.000 Joe, you kind of have that whole entourage.

00:07:52.000 You want a gang of people to go there.

00:07:53.000 This reminds us of you, Joe!

00:07:55.000 Sounds like me.

00:07:56.000 You know how we used to always roll with huge groups of people.

00:08:00.000 Became too problematic.

00:08:01.000 Yeah, but you prefer that kind of.

00:08:03.000 Well, it's always more fun to have a bunch of guys that you're friends with that go to you in gigs. 0.99

00:08:08.000 But if you have too many and you have to manage them all, then it becomes a pain in the ass. 0.99

00:08:12.000 It becomes like more of a pain in the ass of getting my friends to get downstairs in time so we can get to the fucking show. 0.99

00:08:17.000 And, you know, did you call this guy? 0.99

00:08:19.000 Did you wake him up? 1.00

00:08:19.000 We got to go to the fucking airport. 1.00

00:08:20.000 Where is he? 1.00

00:08:21.000 And there's five different guys and everybody's got their own bullshit. 0.99

00:08:25.000 And then they then do start arguing with each other. 0.99

00:08:27.000 And then it became ugly.

00:08:29.000 And it became like, OK, this is nonsense. 0.58

00:08:30.000 So I had to cut it.

00:08:31.000 Most of it.

00:08:32.000 It was like a reality show for a while.

00:08:33.000 It was.

00:08:34.000 It was too much, though.

00:08:35.000 It was too much like that.

00:08:36.000 There was too many people.

00:08:37.000 When it was Tate and Eddie and me and you and Larry and Mike Young and all these other dudes, and we'd all go out together.

00:08:43.000 I mean, come on. 0.75

00:08:44.000 That was ridiculous. 0.97

00:08:44.000 It was a giant group on the road, man. 0.97

00:08:47.000 Yeah.

00:08:47.000 Do you like touring with a bunch of dudes?

00:08:49.000 Do you always tour with your friends?

00:08:50.000 I kind of...

00:08:51.000 I pretty much have stuck close with the same guys that I started.

00:08:54.000 Like, my graduating class, Bobby Kelly, Al Dalbeni, you know, I knew Burr when I first started, and Patrice.

00:09:01.000 Because we kind of came up, like, a little bit after you.

00:09:03.000 Like, you were a couple of years ahead, headlining around.

00:09:06.000 Dan and I did a bunch of really fun little gigs for Dick Daugherty.

00:09:11.000 The Comedy Huts.

00:09:12.000 Remember those?

00:09:13.000 Comedy Huts.

00:09:14.000 The Light Ships.

00:09:14.000 Was it in Cambridge that we did?

00:09:16.000 Dick Daugherty's Comedy Huts?

00:09:17.000 At the Aku Aku, yeah.

00:09:19.000 Dane was with a comedy troupe with Bob Kelly and him and Al Delbeni.

00:09:22.000 It was a good comedy troupe.

00:09:24.000 You guys were funny.

00:09:24.000 It was good.

00:09:25.000 It was interesting.

00:09:26.000 You would do comedy sketches and then you would do like each guy would go up and do stand-up.

00:09:32.000 Right.

00:09:32.000 And so we would work together.

00:09:33.000 Do these Dick Daugherty gigs. 0.98

00:09:35.000 Those were fucking fun. 0.99

00:09:36.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:09:36.000 Our sketch comedy improv group was so bad. 0.99

00:09:39.000 We were so bad at improv, and everybody, you know, the first rule of improv is don't deny.

00:09:44.000 But we were so bad at improv that our first rule was deny.

00:09:47.000 So we would just come in and completely ruin scenes by, like, you're pretending, pantomiming, I'm holding a baby, and Bobby can be like, dude, why are you holding a tire?

00:09:55.000 And it would just fall apart from there.

00:09:58.000 But we just had a blast doing it, man.

00:09:59.000 Oh, you guys had some good ones.

00:10:00.000 You had some good sketches.

00:10:01.000 We had a couple of good skits.

00:10:01.000 It was fun.

00:10:02.000 And it was experimental.

00:10:04.000 It was like you guys were taking chances.

00:10:05.000 You were doing something a little unusual at a comedy club.

00:10:08.000 And you were doing comedy, too.

00:10:10.000 Yeah, that was probably actually better for us. 0.53

00:10:11.000 Opening with our stand-up, and then we'd just go fuck around and do music or skits or improv or whatever for the rest of the hour to fill it up.

00:10:18.000 Do you still ever try to do improv once in a while, or do you just only stand-up now?

00:10:24.000 A little bit.

00:10:25.000 I've been bringing Al, because Al's been hosting down at the Laugh Factory, and I'll bring Al up once in a while, and we'll do stuff at the very end, just to, you know, whatever skit, or Dom Marrera and I will do some stuff once in a while, where I'll just bring Dom up and bat some stuff around.

00:10:37.000 But not like I used to.

00:10:38.000 Not like, you know, sketch, full-on sketch, Upright Citizens Brigade.

00:10:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:10:43.000 Yeah, I'm not a sketch guy.

00:10:44.000 I really rather prefer watching stand-up.

00:10:47.000 I mean, sketches are fun and everything like that, but they're never as good.

00:10:49.000 You'd be so good at it, though.

00:10:50.000 I don't like it as much.

00:10:52.000 Remember that little short movie you did for Kelly Kirsten where you were talking about the cable bill and stuff like that? 0.80

00:10:58.000 It's like a five-minute clip or something like that, but that's fucking hilarious. 0.93

00:11:00.000 I just pretended to be my dad. 0.96

00:11:01.000 It was really easy.

00:11:03.000 Well, how did it go from...

00:11:05.000 I've always wanted to know because you were in Boston and you were the first guy who we watched go from headlining to...

00:11:12.000 Then you're on TV, man.

00:11:14.000 And it was like everybody was looking at you going, how do I do that?

00:11:17.000 How did you turn the corner?

00:11:18.000 How did you get news radio?

00:11:20.000 Total luck.

00:11:21.000 Complete total luck.

00:11:22.000 I did MTV's Half Hour Comedy Hour and MTV... Was that Mario Joyner or somebody hosting those?

00:11:28.000 Yes, yes.

00:11:29.000 And Mario was like, I didn't even get to shake his hand.

00:11:32.000 He introduces you and he goes to the left and you go to the right. 0.90

00:11:35.000 I was like, damn, I didn't get to shake Mario Joyner's hand.

00:11:37.000 I felt like I wasn't even really on his show. 1.00

00:11:39.000 It's like Mario Joyner back then was the shit, man. 0.99

00:11:43.000 That's a guy where I don't understand what happened there. 0.99

00:11:46.000 I don't understand how he just kind of vanished.

00:11:48.000 Anthony Clark was hosting Kamikaze or something.

00:11:50.000 Those guys were...

00:11:51.000 But I know Anthony, so I know he's troubled.

00:11:54.000 So I know that's what led him...

00:11:56.000 To this weird place he is now, but I never understood the Mario Joyner thing.

00:12:00.000 Right.

00:12:00.000 Do you remember Reggie McFadden?

00:12:02.000 I do remember Reggie.

00:12:03.000 There's another one, right? 0.86

00:12:04.000 Reggie McFadden was a monster. 0.91

00:12:06.000 Absolutely.

00:12:07.000 One of the few guys that I really would be afraid to go on after. 0.96

00:12:10.000 Dude, I used to see him in the early 90s in New York, and I would watch him do stand-up, and I would go, fuck, this guy's going to be Eddie Murphy. 0.95

00:12:16.000 He's going to be gigantic. 0.97

00:12:17.000 He's going to be the biggest comic ever.

00:12:19.000 And then nothing.

00:12:20.000 It was weird.

00:12:21.000 It was the weirdest thing ever.

00:12:22.000 Is he still even...

00:12:23.000 Exactly.

00:12:24.000 Exactly that question right there.

00:12:25.000 Hilarious and charismatic guy, man. 0.69

00:12:27.000 So handsome and well-spoken and a fucking really nice guy. 0.65

00:12:31.000 Like a real nice guy. 0.91

00:12:33.000 And whenever you're around him, he's always smiling, having a good time. 0.99

00:12:35.000 It's like, what the fuck happened? 0.99

00:12:37.000 How does this not work? 0.99

00:12:39.000 It's a very strange thing.

00:12:41.000 It's a very strange thing.

00:12:41.000 And it's a very strange thing when guys get angry that for some reason or another they don't get the respect that they deserve.

00:12:47.000 That is one of my pet peeves.

00:12:49.000 That's a weird thing when people do that.

00:12:52.000 I can't speak for Reggie, but you go through this phase or period in stand-up where you're like, okay, I've committed my life to this.

00:13:00.000 This is what I want to do.

00:13:02.000 I'm all in here at the table.

00:13:04.000 For me, my mid-twenties.

00:13:05.000 There's no turning back now.

00:13:07.000 And there's a bunch of those years where you're watching people go on.

00:13:10.000 Some people are getting stuff.

00:13:11.000 Some people are falling off.

00:13:12.000 And it freaks you the hell out, man.

00:13:15.000 It freaks you out.

00:13:15.000 It freaks you out hard.

00:13:17.000 But I don't think it's a very healthy attitude at all to look at someone else's success as if somehow or another it's bad for you.

00:13:23.000 And I think if someone's not paying attention to you, like there's a lot of dudes that are like, I don't feel like my act gets the respect that it deserves.

00:13:31.000 It gets the exact respect it deserves.

00:13:33.000 There's no other way around it.

00:13:34.000 It's the perfect connection between you and an audience.

00:13:37.000 And if it's not getting a reaction, it's because of one of two things.

00:13:40.000 Either you've been very shitty in marketing yourself or promoting yourself, or you're not seeing it the way other people are seeing it.

00:13:46.000 You haven't Confound your audience. 0.61

00:13:48.000 There's some people that have weird acts.

00:13:50.000 Mitch Hedberg, for the longest time, had a really hard time on the road because he would go on and they would put on these super high energy middle acts that would sing.

00:13:59.000 I remember there was this black dude in, I believe it was in Ohio, I think it was at the Funny Bone in Columbus, and Hedberg was supposed to headline, and this guy was fucking crushing it every night in the middle spot with singing and dancing and getting those Columbus, Ohio people into it.

00:14:15.000 And then Hedberg would just... 0.92

00:14:16.000 You know your folks.

00:14:17.000 He's from there.

00:14:18.000 You know.

00:14:19.000 That's what it is.

00:14:19.000 That's your peeps.

00:14:20.000 They're good people.

00:14:21.000 That's where I recorded my special there.

00:14:23.000 But he would go out to them and they would hate him.

00:14:26.000 They would hate him.

00:14:27.000 Well, was he in that phase two?

00:14:28.000 Remember, he'd just go up and kind of He would stand there, I remember for a while, and his hair would just completely be covering his face.

00:14:34.000 Yeah.

00:14:34.000 Like, not even looking up the glasses, nothing.

00:14:36.000 He was just, like, the top of his head. 0.99

00:14:38.000 And how do you go up after somebody is fucking doing, juggling fucking chainsaws, which is hilarious, by the way. 0.99

00:14:45.000 And then... 0.99

00:14:46.000 Yeah, it is a weird thing, right?

00:14:47.000 He had to find his audience, and he had a real hard time with that for a long time.

00:14:51.000 That's always a tricky thing, man, when you're coming up in the beginning.

00:14:54.000 There's guys who will tailor their material or tailor their act where they don't want to do this, but they do it just so that they can get more people liking them and they can get on a better track.

00:15:04.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:15:05.000 Yeah.

00:15:08.000 It's so hard, especially when you don't have an audience, to really find your own voice.

00:15:13.000 You know, it's so tricky.

00:15:15.000 Because, you know, you work at a club, and if you offend someone, if you like, you know, my act was always kind of dirty and offensive.

00:15:20.000 And like, you know, when I was nobody, like, they would get upset at me. 1.00

00:15:23.000 Like, you just, there's three people that want their money back, you fucking asshole. 1.00

00:15:26.000 You know, clean up your act for the next show. 1.00

00:15:27.000 And you're like, wow.

00:15:28.000 Yeah.

00:15:29.000 Clean up my act.

00:15:29.000 Like, this is what I like to do.

00:15:31.000 This is the stuff that I always like to see.

00:15:32.000 Like, I can't talk about what I think is actually funny.

00:15:35.000 So when you were doing your stand-up and you did finally leave Boston and hit the road, where did the news radio thing finally even come from?

00:15:41.000 So I did this MTV thing and I got a development deal right out of it with Fox to do a show called Hardball.

00:15:46.000 It was a terrible show.

00:15:47.000 It was really bad, but you know, a bunch of good guys on it.

00:15:50.000 And I had fun, but it was like, I don't want to be around actors anymore.

00:15:53.000 I'm like, this is just too gross.

00:15:54.000 I would go back to New York, go back to comedy. 0.99

00:15:56.000 But I fucked up and already got an apartment. 0.96

00:15:57.000 Because I thought the show was going to, everybody thinks their show is going to go. 0.98

00:16:00.000 Sure.

00:16:00.000 So the ratings are good.

00:16:01.000 I think we're picked up for next year.

00:16:03.000 Everybody thinks that in show business. 1.00

00:16:05.000 So my stupid ass got this fucking cool ass apartment. 1.00

00:16:08.000 And I was like, alright, now I'm stuck. 1.00

00:16:09.000 So then, right after that, I got a deal with NBC. And before I knew it, I was on news radio.

00:16:13.000 I was just like, stumbled into one thing.

00:16:16.000 I mean, I auditioned for news radio.

00:16:19.000 It was kind of funny because one of the reasons why they liked me for the part was that there was no jokes in the script.

00:16:26.000 The first one they gave out, there was no comedy in it.

00:16:29.000 It was just really straight and flat. 0.97

00:16:31.000 I was like, wow, how the fuck do I play this? 0.83

00:16:33.000 I was like, I'm just going to play it as if I was really saying it. 0.97

00:16:36.000 Let me just go and do it.

00:16:37.000 There's no jokes in here, so I don't know what they're doing.

00:16:39.000 They were just trying to weed out the hacks.

00:16:41.000 They were trying to weed out the... 1.00

00:16:42.000 They were trying to weed out the... 1.00

00:16:44.000 Exploding shoe guys, I guess.

00:16:46.000 So I just got lucky.

00:16:48.000 It's total luck.

00:16:49.000 Total luck.

00:16:49.000 Right person, right place, right time.

00:16:51.000 Click, click, click.

00:16:52.000 All of a sudden, I'm on TV. Which was fun, but in the beginning, when I was on TV, I was very shitty with writing new material, and I wasn't performing that much.

00:17:02.000 I was just loving the fact that I was making all this money.

00:17:05.000 Right. 1.00

00:17:06.000 Having fun and doing stupid shit and just no discipline at all. 1.00

00:17:09.000 And saving up for your first incredible car. 1.00

00:17:11.000 Yeah.

00:17:12.000 I bought the first car right away.

00:17:14.000 What was it?

00:17:15.000 As soon as I had money.

00:17:16.000 I bought a 1994 Toyota Supra Turbo.

00:17:20.000 Yeah.

00:17:20.000 Had one of those too.

00:17:21.000 Dude, those were the shit. 1.00

00:17:23.000 Used. 1.00

00:17:24.000 Fucking big crazy wing in the back. 0.99

00:17:25.000 Looked like a spaceship. 0.99

00:17:26.000 Oh, I loved it.

00:17:27.000 Loved it.

00:17:27.000 It was my first really cool car.

00:17:29.000 I think I went 85 Mustang GT with the T-Tops.

00:17:33.000 Did you?

00:17:34.000 Charcoal gray.

00:17:35.000 She was a beaut.

00:17:36.000 Nice.

00:17:38.000 Yeah, there's something fucking cool about buying your first cool shit. 1.00

00:17:41.000 I bought a pool cue for $7,000. 0.99

00:17:44.000 I bought this Ernie Gutierrez, this guy in LA, makes this cue called a Gina cue.

00:17:49.000 Yeah.

00:17:49.000 It's a very homemade, really precise, perfectly balanced pool cue.

00:17:53.000 Yeah.

00:17:53.000 I was like, this thing's awesome.

00:17:55.000 That's so stupid. 0.99

00:17:57.000 Do you collect anything? 1.00

00:17:58.000 Do you have anything that you spend money on?

00:18:00.000 I know we both get Steve Martin junk.

00:18:02.000 We both collect Steve Martin stuff.

00:18:04.000 I got a bunch of memorabilia.

00:18:05.000 I went back and found a whole bunch of old vinyls.

00:18:08.000 Lenny Bruce and Cosby and Newhart and Steve Martin and stuff.

00:18:13.000 So that was kind of my thing.

00:18:14.000 I like finding stuff that's off the beaten path as opposed to like, alright, anybody can go out.

00:18:20.000 I think for me, the craziest car I did in Aston Martin Oh, yeah?

00:18:24.000 And I thought, okay, I spent a quarter of a million dollars on this car. 0.94

00:18:27.000 This is going to be the fucking craziest, the best car ever. 0.96

00:18:30.000 And it really ended up being the worst thing that I'd ever bought with my money. 0.97

00:18:34.000 Dude, I had the exact same story with a Porsche 911 Turbo.

00:18:37.000 I bought a 911 Turbo and it broke down.

00:18:40.000 I mean, it literally broke down where it needed a tow truck five times in three years.

00:18:44.000 I think I drove you three times to that dealer.

00:18:46.000 Just me.

00:18:46.000 Yeah.

00:18:47.000 Yeah.

00:18:47.000 I spent...

00:18:48.000 I was there like nine different...

00:18:50.000 I love that we were complaining.

00:18:52.000 But it's true. 1.00

00:18:53.000 They're fucking crap. 1.00

00:18:54.000 They're crap. 1.00

00:18:54.000 I have a Lexus. 1.00

00:18:56.000 It never fucks up.

00:18:57.000 Never. 1.00

00:18:57.000 Never fuck. 1.00

00:18:58.000 They're bulletproof. 1.00

00:18:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:59.000 They make them so well.

00:19:00.000 There's never any problems.

00:19:01.000 But if you have a Mercedes or a Porsche or something like that, you're going to have some weird light goes off. 0.98

00:19:05.000 Like, what the fuck is this? 0.96

00:19:07.000 This isn't working. 0.98

00:19:08.000 Why is my headlights not coming on? 1.00

00:19:10.000 Shit. 1.00

00:19:10.000 You gotta bring it in. 1.00

00:19:11.000 Oh, it's the computer.

00:19:13.000 They wanted Windows 95 on those things. 0.97

00:19:15.000 I bought the Aston Martin, and then I bought the Casino Royale soundtrack, and I just fucking drove around, and I pretended I was a spy, and I literally was pointing at people on the side of the road and pretending I was shooting them. 0.51

00:19:28.000 That was to show you too much time on your hands.

00:19:31.000 The problem with those cars is when they work, they're intoxicating. 0.99

00:19:34.000 When you hear the sound of the engine, that fucking powerful, well-engineered engine. 1.00

00:19:41.000 But it was such a poorly crafted car inside that I was like, why don't I just get a fucking ringtone of that sound and be happy with the fucking sound of the engine and get rid of this plastic piece of shit. 1.00

00:19:52.000 Everything inside was crap. 1.00

00:19:54.000 It's an English car, right? 0.99

00:19:55.000 Yeah.

00:19:56.000 They've never been known for really making great cars.

00:19:59.000 I mean, Jaguar, I guess.

00:20:01.000 Yeah, but the engine, you're right.

00:20:02.000 It was worth that sound. 0.96

00:20:03.000 Jaguars always used to fuck up, too, before Ford bought them, right? 0.99

00:20:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:06.000 Yeah.

00:20:07.000 English, you don't want that.

00:20:08.000 You want Japanese. 1.00

00:20:09.000 They don't fuck around, dude. 1.00

00:20:10.000 But my problem is everything's made by robots now, for the most part. 0.99

00:20:14.000 So even American cars are made by the same robots.

00:20:17.000 It's not the same, though.

00:20:18.000 It's the standards that you engineer the car to.

00:20:20.000 That's what's important.

00:20:21.000 And they're using much higher standards than American car companies are.

00:20:26.000 There's no doubt about it.

00:20:27.000 I have a Ford Mustang, and I have a BMW M3. And the difference between them is so different.

00:20:33.000 And Ford is high level as far as American cars go.

00:20:35.000 It's better than GM. But still, you're inside of it.

00:20:38.000 It just feels fucking chintzy, and things feel goofy, and the navigation system kind of sucks. 0.99

00:20:44.000 It was like it was engineered by an American guy. 0.98

00:20:46.000 You know, it's just kind of quirky.

00:20:47.000 Whereas the Lexus, it's like everything needs to be.

00:20:49.000 That nav is the best, right?

00:20:51.000 Yeah.

00:20:51.000 Listen to us.

00:20:52.000 Fucking dudes with money complaining about cars. 1.00

00:20:54.000 How sad. 1.00

00:20:55.000 That's because we've also had...

00:20:57.000 We've had nothing as well. 0.97

00:21:00.000 That's the thing is you can actually sit here and you can tell these stories if you've been fortunate enough to have some success because anybody who knows who's done this for a living, when it's bad, it's fucking bad. 0.88

00:21:11.000 When it's empty, it is at its emptiest, man.

00:21:14.000 So you get a little something or you have a few years of fun that I think it's kind of cool to be able to talk about.

00:21:18.000 It still doesn't seem real to me.

00:21:19.000 You know, success and money, none of it seems real to me.

00:21:22.000 You know, when I can go to the store and just buy things, like, oh, look, that TV looks like it would be perfect right there.

00:21:27.000 Let's just get this thing.

00:21:27.000 I can give you a piece of plastic, and you give me whatever you got.

00:21:31.000 It's ridiculous. 0.95

00:21:32.000 It doesn't seem real. 0.98

00:21:32.000 Yeah, it is. 0.98

00:21:33.000 It's crazy.

00:21:34.000 It seems fake.

00:21:35.000 Don't you ever walk around your house? 0.99

00:21:37.000 I know you don't smoke pot, but when I do, I'll walk around my house high and I'll just look at the house and I'll just go, what the fuck is this? 0.99

00:21:44.000 This is my house? 0.99

00:21:45.000 This is where I live?

00:21:46.000 This is so strange.

00:21:48.000 You think about what it was like when you first started making money and you didn't have to worry about bills anymore.

00:21:54.000 You know that feeling? 0.89

00:21:55.000 That's the fucking most liberating feeling ever. 0.98

00:21:58.000 That's the big feeling. 0.98

00:21:59.000 It's not being famous, not being rich.

00:22:01.000 The liberating feeling is not have to worry about paying your bills.

00:22:04.000 That's the most important one.

00:22:06.000 It was like, wow!

00:22:08.000 It was like all of a sudden it just lifted.

00:22:09.000 I literally physically felt lighter.

00:22:12.000 I'll never forget it.

00:22:13.000 Because I was always scratching.

00:22:14.000 It was always like, do this John Shuler gig and maybe I'll have enough money for rent.

00:22:18.000 And then I can't eat tonight because I literally don't have any money.

00:22:22.000 I have to wait until tomorrow when my check clears.

00:22:24.000 Billy Downs still owes you $75.

00:22:27.000 Barry Katz was the big one.

00:22:29.000 Is Barry still your manager?

00:22:30.000 Yeah.

00:22:31.000 Yeah, and he still owes me 300 bucks from one of those.

00:22:34.000 Those gigs, that was brutal.

00:22:36.000 For people that don't know what we're talking about, there was a time where there was another entity that he had called New York Entertainment, right?

00:22:42.000 And they were booking colleges, and apparently...

00:22:44.000 It was costing too much money to rent the building where they were at, and they were spending more money than they were making, so they started spending the comedians' money and owing it to them.

00:22:53.000 Literally.

00:22:54.000 Like, you would go to the gig, you would fly around the country, go to these colleges, get your checks, send them in to Barry, and then, you know, you would wait. 0.99

00:23:02.000 And then you'd be like, a month later, be like, what the fuck, dude? 0.97

00:23:05.000 Where's my money? 0.99

00:23:06.000 This is getting crazy.

00:23:06.000 And then it would be like another time, you would do it like three or four times.

00:23:09.000 There was guys that had like, they had a lot of money out.

00:23:12.000 I don't know how it all got settled.

00:23:14.000 But it was ugly.

00:23:15.000 It didn't.

00:23:16.000 It didn't.

00:23:17.000 And there's still guys salty about that.

00:23:19.000 Wandering around.

00:23:20.000 Every once in a while, Barry will be like, do you want that $300?

00:23:22.000 And I'm like, no.

00:23:23.000 It's my good luck charm is you not paying me. 1.00

00:23:25.000 You made me bust my ass. 1.00

00:23:27.000 I had the I'll show him fucking theory going. 1.00

00:23:30.000 But I know for me, man, seriously, what put things in perspective, and some people know this or don't, is I hired my stepbrother. 0.98

00:23:40.000 Yeah, I know that story.

00:23:41.000 That's a crazy story.

00:23:42.000 And it was like, alright, so I thought I had this great nest egg.

00:23:44.000 I bought a house.

00:23:45.000 I did all that.

00:23:45.000 And then he came in and, you know, I can't talk too much about it.

00:23:48.000 It's ongoing.

00:23:49.000 Well, let me talk about it since you can't.

00:23:50.000 So the rumor is, you don't have to say anything, that he stole like $11 million from you.

00:23:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:55.000 That's fucking horrible. 0.99

00:23:56.000 Like five years. 1.00

00:23:57.000 To think that your fucking brother, your blood, like someone you grow up with, is so fucking jealous and so shifty and plotting against you that they'll steal your fucking money. 1.00

00:24:08.000 Allegedly. 1.00

00:24:09.000 Allegedly.

00:24:10.000 That had been such a betrayal.

00:24:12.000 That's it, man.

00:24:14.000 First of all, absolute, complete betrayal and the way I deal with that with my family.

00:24:19.000 But the thing that really was jarring in the best of possible ways was talking about, okay, I've been doing stand-up for 20 years when everything happened.

00:24:30.000 I started in 1990. And then I looked and I was like, alright, this is gone.

00:24:34.000 I never had this.

00:24:35.000 Either it was gone or whatever.

00:24:36.000 I went back on tour.

00:24:38.000 I did probably the biggest tour that I'll ever do last year.

00:24:41.000 I did 80 arenas.

00:24:42.000 I went out there. 0.99

00:24:43.000 I fucking just, you know, was hammering it. 0.99

00:24:44.000 Yeah, the economy was shitty, but I kept going. 0.99

00:24:46.000 I was promoting.

00:24:47.000 My fans came out.

00:24:48.000 And it was that...

00:24:49.000 I haven't had a moment in a lot of years where...

00:24:51.000 Really struggling again where you're like, I'm in trouble.

00:24:54.000 If I don't do something...

00:24:56.000 And the ride is over.

00:24:58.000 What do I have left?

00:24:59.000 What's there for me years down the line?

00:25:01.000 And I was really, you know, thankful that the fans came out and supported it. 0.96

00:25:04.000 But it was that moment where I'm going, okay, you know, yeah, I've bought some cool shit in my life.

00:25:08.000 And, you know, I've collected some albums where I, you know, buy something crazy once in a while. 0.97

00:25:11.000 But you can't fucking take somebody's creativity. 0.94

00:25:14.000 It always comes back. 0.97

00:25:15.000 You'll have stuff.

00:25:16.000 You'll lose.

00:25:16.000 I've had things.

00:25:17.000 I've lost it.

00:25:18.000 Many times in my life. 0.99

00:25:20.000 And all you can do is keep getting back on stage or fucking getting out there and doing whatever, you know, connects you to something. 0.98

00:25:26.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:25:26.000 Yeah, that's what it is, really, for comics, too. 0.96

00:25:28.000 It's putting the new thing together, right?

00:25:30.000 Yes.

00:25:30.000 It's putting that new chunk and then the new set and, you know, preparing for the next special and feeling these new bits come alive and the tags and the new tags.

00:25:39.000 It's like, what a burst you get every time you come up with a new tag.

00:25:42.000 It's like this positive energy charge, like, ah!

00:25:44.000 Yeah.

00:25:45.000 And then sometimes on stage, in the moment... 0.98

00:25:48.000 You'll pause and say the perfect shit out of nowhere, and it destroys, and that becomes the closer. 0.99

00:25:54.000 I mean, that becomes the part of the bit that ends the bit. 0.99

00:25:57.000 It's the best feeling on earth, man, really.

00:25:59.000 When it all starts to come together, you see that, you know, it's like you have a theme or a through line that starts to come through, and there's nothing better in the world, man.

00:26:05.000 And right from the bat, right from the get-go, when you have your first good set, you become a junkie for that feeling. 0.88

00:26:12.000 You become someone who needs to kill. 1.00

00:26:15.000 You need to get up there and kill. 1.00

00:26:16.000 And you don't want to fuck around and do any new shit. 1.00

00:26:20.000 That's the problem in the beginning. 1.00

00:26:21.000 Because you're scared.

00:26:22.000 And you want to make sure you get through the set good.

00:26:24.000 And you just do the stuff that you know is going to work. 1.00

00:26:26.000 Don't fuck around. 1.00

00:26:27.000 Don't fuck around. 1.00

00:26:28.000 It hampers your growth. 1.00

00:26:29.000 Because you become this fucking junkie. 1.00

00:26:31.000 You just want that charge. 1.00

00:26:33.000 You just want to hear them scream. 1.00

00:26:34.000 You want to hear, oh shit, oh no he didn't. 1.00

00:26:36.000 I know. 0.99

00:26:37.000 But we also, you know, we came out of Boston where, you know, I know the guys that I can't, I mean, I loved Steve Martin and the guys that I always loved just watching growing up that I wanted to emulate.

00:26:49.000 And then when I started in Boston, these guys were like killers, man.

00:26:53.000 What people don't understand about Boston is everybody knows all these famous guys.

00:26:57.000 Everybody knows Billy Crystal.

00:26:58.000 Everybody knows...

00:26:59.000 I mean, and very good comics.

00:27:01.000 Robert Klein, blah, blah, blah.

00:27:03.000 Name the guy.

00:27:04.000 Don Gavin was better than all of them.

00:27:06.000 He was better than all of them.

00:27:07.000 This is not an exaggeration. 0.99

00:27:09.000 And he was fucking squeaky clean. 1.00

00:27:12.000 I mean, every now and then he'd say, fucking, fuck, fuck, a little this or that. 1.00

00:27:14.000 But his bits were not dirty. 1.00

00:27:17.000 It was delivery was...

00:27:19.000 Perfect.

00:27:20.000 It was perfect.

00:27:21.000 You would watch his economy of words, the way he set a sentence up, and you would just feel humbled. 1.00

00:27:27.000 You would be like, fuck, he's a master. 1.00

00:27:29.000 He's a master. 0.99

00:27:30.000 But he got caught up in this Boston thing where there was all these great guys in this one area and they always drew a crowd and they always got paid well.

00:27:38.000 And then they would go on the road and they'd be nobodies. 0.99

00:27:40.000 They'd be like, why would they be a fucking nobody? 0.99

00:27:41.000 We're going to be back in Boston making some money. 0.99

00:27:43.000 The next thing you know, they're back in Boston and they're just doing the same gigs over and over again where everybody else...

00:27:47.000 It takes a shot and branches off and disappears and becomes famous.

00:27:50.000 But you really would watch these guys and part of you would feel bad that they weren't getting over the hump but you felt like so fucking honored to be opening up and standing watching going I'm learning from the best.

00:28:02.000 So when you leave Boston It's like you had that...

00:28:06.000 These were guys, like, I always describe it like they had the energy of showmen, but they were like men.

00:28:10.000 They were like men doing comedy.

00:28:12.000 Yes, yes.

00:28:13.000 And, you know, I always really wanted to be there. 0.99

00:28:16.000 They always stood right at the fucking front of the stage. 0.98

00:28:18.000 Lenny Clark is the perfect example of that. 0.99

00:28:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:28:21.000 Lenny's a fucking man. 1.00

00:28:22.000 He's a guy. 1.00

00:28:23.000 This is what Lenny Clark said once. 1.00

00:28:24.000 We were at Giggles and Saugus and there was this fucking table full of chicks. 1.00

00:28:28.000 They wouldn't shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:28:29.000 They were screaming and yelling. 1.00

00:28:31.000 He goes, listen, if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to hire a nigga to fuck you in front of your mother. 1.00

00:28:38.000 It's like, what the fuck did he just say? 1.00

00:28:41.000 I mean, it was me. 0.99

00:28:43.000 I think Chris McGuire was there.

00:28:44.000 I think it was me and Chris.

00:28:45.000 I can't remember. 0.99

00:28:45.000 But we were like, what the fuck did he just say? 0.99

00:28:48.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:28:49.000 Lenny Clark did not give a fuck. 1.00

00:28:51.000 He was just this big, gigantic, burly guy who would, by the way, he would beat your ass, too. 1.00

00:28:58.000 If you talk shit to Lenny Clark, he'll probably do a line and punch you in the face. 1.00

00:29:03.000 These were real hardcore blue-collar guys. 1.00

00:29:06.000 But fucking hilarious, man. 0.98

00:29:08.000 But it made us sharper because you were held up to a much higher standard. 0.98

00:29:13.000 You had to go on after guys who were way better than average.

00:29:17.000 And you had to be sharp all the time.

00:29:19.000 You had to constantly reassess your material.

00:29:21.000 You did.

00:29:22.000 I learned a lot watching Joe before us because the thing that happened with you, though, was you were the first guy that I saw from the next young generation that when you started headlining...

00:29:32.000 You were getting the respect for killing, but you were the first guy that I saw that had real backlash ever in my life. 0.62

00:29:38.000 That people were like, they didn't know where to put him, and people that he had passed, not going to mention names, but they were just so fucking frustrated.

00:29:48.000 And they didn't know how to deal with like, okay, wait a minute, this is the next guy coming up.

00:29:53.000 There's that.

00:29:54.000 You know, people are always going to resent anyone that's successful. 0.99

00:29:57.000 And you're young, good looking, and every fucking chick in the crowd after the show is just like, you know. 1.00

00:30:02.000 There's that. 0.99

00:30:02.000 There's the fighting thing, too, which doesn't make any sense at all. 0.99

00:30:05.000 They're not supposed to coincide together.

00:30:07.000 Yeah.

00:30:07.000 The martial arts thing.

00:30:08.000 It just seems like I'm not in the club.

00:30:13.000 That's what it felt like to me.

00:30:15.000 But there's always going to be backlash whenever anyone's successful.

00:30:18.000 I don't have to tell you that.

00:30:19.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:20.000 And I didn't fight, which makes it even tougher. 0.97

00:30:23.000 People are always looking for some reason why you're fucked up when you are more successful than them. 0.96

00:30:28.000 They're always looking for some reason why it's you and not them. 0.95

00:30:33.000 People get upset at other people's success.

00:30:35.000 And you can feel it.

00:30:36.000 I got hate mail when I was on Fear Factor every day.

00:30:40.000 There's no getting around it. 0.97

00:30:41.000 You're always going to get someone who's fucking mad at you about this or that. 1.00

00:30:46.000 You don't deserve this, or you're short, or you're bald. 0.99

00:30:48.000 It's just constant.

00:30:50.000 People you don't even know just want to...

00:30:51.000 Before the Internet, did that even exist, though, to the degree?

00:30:56.000 I had a website in 98, dude.

00:30:56.000 I think it's the Internet.

00:30:57.000 It's just hate.

00:30:58.000 There's so much hate.

00:30:58.000 Well, it's not that the Internet is hate, dude.

00:31:00.000 The Internet is an outward expression of how people feel.

00:31:02.000 People are frustrated and angry.

00:31:05.000 Look, we've been shown that we live in a place where we have a fake economy.

00:31:09.000 That is recognized as fake by everybody, but we're still pretending that it's real.

00:31:13.000 We print up money.

00:31:14.000 Nobody understands where it all goes. 1.00

00:31:15.000 Everybody's fucked. 0.99

00:31:16.000 The banks are making billions. 1.00

00:31:17.000 We don't know how.

00:31:19.000 There's a lot of frustration and anger in this world. 1.00

00:31:21.000 And if you're anonymous, you're fucking McFuck's dick on the Rogan board, and you just decide to be a cunt. 1.00

00:31:26.000 It's just so easy to lash out. 1.00

00:31:28.000 Dane Cook could suck my dick. 1.00

00:31:30.000 I asked for questions. 1.00

00:31:31.000 And of course, most people on my message board... 1.00

00:31:34.000 Most people are real cool shit. 0.97

00:31:35.000 There are some interesting questions for you. 1.00

00:31:37.000 But there was a few that were just so fucking douchey. 0.96

00:31:40.000 You're never going to get away from that. 0.97

00:31:41.000 Those are people too that they really want so badly to perpetuate. 0.99

00:31:46.000 A moment or something, because they want to see the fucking battle. 0.93

00:31:50.000 They want to see the battle, and there's also this thing where they don't want to see anybody ever forgiven for anything they might have done in the past. 0.98

00:31:55.000 Right, because they can't.

00:31:56.000 Yeah, they can't.

00:31:57.000 And it makes it okay that they can't, if you can or we can't.

00:32:03.000 I think I lost you on a couple of can'ts back.

00:32:05.000 But yeah, no, totally.

00:32:08.000 There's just a lot of people in this world that don't just feel shitty, but they're lashing out.

00:32:13.000 They lash out at other people.

00:32:15.000 They do it for no reason.

00:32:16.000 I can imagine...

00:32:17.000 If you don't like a movie, I saw A Serious Man last night. 0.99

00:32:21.000 It was fucking terrible. 0.99

00:32:23.000 Why would you watch that? 1.00

00:32:23.000 It had all these stars on it. 1.00

00:32:25.000 Don't you have Rotten Tomatoes?

00:32:26.000 Four stars, five stars.

00:32:27.000 Dude, I didn't go to Rotten Tomatoes.

00:32:29.000 I should have.

00:32:30.000 It was a Coen Brothers movie, too.

00:32:31.000 And I love the Coen Brothers.

00:32:32.000 And there were some really interesting parts in it.

00:32:33.000 But there was a part at the end where I was like, oh my god, it ended.

00:32:36.000 It just ended.

00:32:37.000 It's just like, okay, now the movie's over.

00:32:39.000 Soprano.

00:32:39.000 Out of nowhere.

00:32:40.000 Way worse than the Sopranos.

00:32:41.000 I accepted the Sopranos.

00:32:42.000 I was figuring, this is a long story.

00:32:44.000 It's over.

00:32:45.000 That makes sense.

00:32:46.000 This was just like, I don't even know these characters.

00:32:47.000 All of a sudden, boom, it's over.

00:32:49.000 So I wrote on Twitter. 1.00

00:32:50.000 I was like, a serious man seriously fucking sucked. 0.99

00:32:53.000 I was like, well, am I a hater? 1.00

00:32:54.000 Am I doing that too? 0.99

00:32:55.000 But I'm like, no, but I'm a fucking reviewer here. 0.98

00:32:58.000 Now I'm a reviewer. 0.99

00:32:59.000 Now you fuck me out of two hours of my time. 0.99

00:33:01.000 I feel like I deserve something back. 1.00

00:33:02.000 Yeah, plus you said it as Joe Rogan, not fucking McFuck's dick or whatever. 0.99

00:33:05.000 Yeah, I think message boards would be... 0.99

00:33:08.000 I tried it on my board for a while, tried to make everybody put a picture of themselves.

00:33:11.000 I said maybe we'd be nice to each other if we used our actual photo as an avatar, but it only lasted for a little bit. 1.00

00:33:17.000 Everybody wanted to be fucking Darth Vader or some chick sucking a dick. 1.00

00:33:20.000 Somebody like... 1.00

00:33:21.000 It's like all the avatars on my board are all chick sucking dicks. 1.00

00:33:25.000 Somebody like Blizzard or somebody just recently tried to do that, where you had to have your real name on their message board, but then all these pirates... 0.96

00:33:32.000 Privacy things went on.

00:33:33.000 Yeah, Blizzard.

00:33:34.000 Those game guys, right?

00:33:37.000 You're a gamer, right?

00:33:38.000 You do online gaming a lot?

00:33:40.000 Not like I used to.

00:33:41.000 I used to have PC stuff, and then I did console for a little bit.

00:33:46.000 Takes up too much time.

00:33:47.000 Yeah, man.

00:33:48.000 Once in a while, I'll still do Call of Duty or something, but...

00:33:52.000 You want to play for 11 hours in a row when you do that?

00:33:57.000 I get so addicted to online video games.

00:34:00.000 They're so addictive.

00:34:01.000 When like Quake, like first person shooters, I've talked about this many times.

00:34:05.000 I used to play 10 hours a day. 0.94

00:34:07.000 No bullshit. 0.97

00:34:08.000 Yeah.

00:34:08.000 That's how we actually kind of really first met.

00:34:11.000 That's how we met and bonded before the big breakup.

00:34:15.000 But it was like... 0.96

00:34:17.000 I remember you were telling me about Alienware computers and all that shit. 0.90

00:34:20.000 So I went out and got one.

00:34:21.000 I basically got the computer he told me he had, which I didn't have the money for at the time.

00:34:25.000 But Joe's like, I got this. 0.97

00:34:26.000 It's a rig in Area 51 fucking... 0.99

00:34:30.000 I went and got it. 0.99

00:34:31.000 I was living in this shitty little studio on Hacienda, and all I had was a fucking futon and my Alienware computer. 0.84

00:34:39.000 I don't really know anybody out here anyway when I first came out, but I'd jump on with Joe once in a while and think, like, all right, Quake 3 or whatever we're playing, he would, like, just... 0.96

00:34:47.000 Destroy, right?

00:34:48.000 Like, not even destroy.

00:34:49.000 It was not even fun.

00:34:50.000 No, no.

00:34:51.000 It was not even, like...

00:34:51.000 We talked about this.

00:34:53.000 It was just bad.

00:34:54.000 It was, like, beyond rape. 0.98

00:34:55.000 Yeah, he would do the, like, kill me, like, 99 times in a row. 0.96

00:34:58.000 And I don't even think I killed you once, maybe, in a, like, three-hour period. 0.60

00:35:01.000 And I'm like, Joe, I need to stop.

00:35:02.000 I would start taking chances on you. 0.99

00:35:03.000 Dude, not only would Joe be plasma rifling me up my ass, like, every other hit, but then I'd hear through his, whatever, headset, like, he'd be doing something else, which made it even fucking worse. 0.98

00:35:15.000 Like, I could tell he was not even completely focused. 0.99

00:35:18.000 And I'm fucking sweating and doing that thing where I'm, like, trying to sound like I'm not fucking raging. 0.93

00:35:23.000 I'm like, good shot, Joe. 1.00

00:35:26.000 Turn off the mic, I'm like, fuck, come on! 0.99

00:35:29.000 Quake is one of those games, for those who don't know it, it's a first-person shooter where you're running down these 3D mazes, and you have all these different gun options. 0.99

00:35:37.000 And it's one of those games that relies very heavily on playing it all the time, so the mouse and the keyboard literally become like an extension of your mind.

00:35:44.000 And you can get it to do what you want it to do, because you're so comfortable with the movements.

00:35:47.000 You don't think about, you know, it's W-A-S-D, use the keys to move backward and strafe side to side, but you don't think about it.

00:35:53.000 You just do it.

00:35:54.000 It's just like, I'm going to the right.

00:35:55.000 When I go to the right, I'm thinking to the right, and as I'm thinking, my fingers are moving, and you get totally synced up with it.

00:36:00.000 You have to do it like eight, ten hours a day to do that.

00:36:03.000 So I was obsessed.

00:36:05.000 I'd go online, that's what I would do.

00:36:06.000 And I'd be having conversations with my chick, and I'd be thinking, I could be playing Quake right now.

00:36:11.000 So I had to pretend that I wanted to see a movie with her.

00:36:13.000 I was a complete junkie.

00:36:15.000 What was weird is that you were really competitive with the game, where I would just hide in the toilet paper roll of the Unreal bathroom map and just sit there and snipe people, where you were more like, kill, kill, kill, number, second...

00:36:25.000 You know, my leftover martial arts days, there's still some work to be done in the back of my head. 0.98

00:36:31.000 So I'm just fucking... 0.99

00:36:32.000 Just running down hallways shooting people. 1.00

00:36:34.000 This thing is so satisfying. 0.95

00:36:35.000 It's so fun. 0.96

00:36:36.000 I remember it was over when I was at Fry's Electronics trying to buy shit that I didn't think he had. 0.75

00:36:42.000 I'm like, is there a mouse that has every button already on it? 0.97

00:36:45.000 Like, what can I do to fucking have one advantage? 0.60

00:36:49.000 And guys would do that to me, by the way. 0.98

00:36:51.000 Guys would do the same thing that I did to you to me. 1.00

00:36:53.000 It wasn't that many guys, but every now and then you run into a Chinese virgin, some 13-year-old kid who doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:36:59.000 And he's just every day, 15 hours a day, just staring through his bifocals at that fucking screen, blasting dudes. 1.00

00:37:06.000 Dudes would rape me. 1.00

00:37:07.000 It would happen all the time. 1.00

00:37:08.000 And I would be like, how the fuck? 0.99

00:37:09.000 I thought I was good. 1.00

00:37:10.000 Guys would gun you down and hit you with railguns, impossible shots. 0.99

00:37:14.000 You showed up for a second and you're dead. 1.00

00:37:16.000 You're like, motherfucker! 1.00

00:37:17.000 Some guys are just on another level. 1.00

00:37:20.000 And now kids have all the modded controllers.

00:37:22.000 You know, I'm just using a regular controller.

00:37:24.000 So I'm like, I'm never going to have the advantage anymore. 0.98

00:37:26.000 They've got like these, you know, whatever, Wolfpack fucking sticks. 0.93

00:37:29.000 I can't deal with the console. 0.93

00:37:31.000 You know, the console is just not as precise.

00:37:33.000 And they did a thing with Microsoft.

00:37:36.000 They did a competition between console guys against...

00:37:39.000 Keyboard and mouse guys.

00:37:40.000 Yeah, but you'd never play that.

00:37:42.000 You'd get used to the point...

00:37:43.000 If everyone's doing the same controller, then everyone's on the same page, you know?

00:37:46.000 But the same controller isn't as precise.

00:37:48.000 Why would you use that controller when you've got a controller that's better?

00:37:50.000 You can get really good at it.

00:37:51.000 But you can't get as good.

00:37:52.000 Right.

00:37:52.000 For what you like to play, you're kind of first-person shooter.

00:37:54.000 Death!

00:37:54.000 Destruction, son!

00:37:56.000 Kill us! 1.00

00:37:57.000 You just want to win. 1.00

00:37:58.000 You just want to blast them.

00:37:59.000 You want to have the most connection between you and what you're doing.

00:38:02.000 But you know how fun it is to get on your Xbox and go, oh, Carlos Macias is playing Call of Duty. 0.99

00:38:05.000 Let's kill him a little bit. 0.90

00:38:07.000 It's so fun. 1.00

00:38:08.000 Do you ever kill him?

00:38:08.000 I've played him once.

00:38:09.000 Really?

00:38:10.000 Is he any good?

00:38:11.000 No.

00:38:12.000 Really? 1.00

00:38:12.000 Kick his ass? 1.00

00:38:14.000 I think I was more just watching him interact. 1.00

00:38:17.000 Like I said, I hang out in the toilet paper while I watch.

00:38:20.000 Does he play like Joe?

00:38:21.000 I'm a video game voyeur.

00:38:22.000 He's like, nice shot, man. 0.99

00:38:24.000 I went to his website the other day for something because every now and then I like to read his Twitter and go, what the fuck? 0.99

00:38:30.000 It's just so strange. 0.59

00:38:31.000 So I went to his website and it said, one of the most feared comedians in the country.

00:38:37.000 That's like on his bio on the front of his website.

00:38:39.000 Dude, he's the punisher.

00:38:40.000 One of the most feared.

00:38:41.000 Like, what a crazy thought.

00:38:43.000 You talk about the wrong psychology for comedy.

00:38:46.000 One of the most feared?

00:38:48.000 You want to be a feared comedian?

00:38:50.000 What is that?

00:38:51.000 What does that even really mean?

00:38:52.000 That's so strange.

00:38:54.000 Do you collect comics? 1.00

00:38:55.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:38:57.000 We're talking about Carl Smith. 1.00

00:38:58.000 Don't be changing gears like that. 0.99

00:39:00.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:39:01.000 We're talking about someone completely crazy. 1.00

00:39:04.000 I don't really know what that means.

00:39:05.000 Who wants to be a feared comic?

00:39:07.000 It's horrible.

00:39:08.000 It's a horrible way of thinking.

00:39:10.000 You want people to fear you?

00:39:11.000 Who is going to fear you?

00:39:12.000 The audience?

00:39:13.000 Other comedians?

00:39:14.000 What he likes to do, and he talked about it on the Marc Maron podcast, I thought it was really fascinating that he actually opened up to it.

00:39:20.000 When he called back?

00:39:21.000 What's that?

00:39:21.000 Because he went in, that was kind of...

00:39:24.000 It was weird.

00:39:25.000 Maron was like, it was very strange.

00:39:27.000 It was a very strange conversation. 0.64

00:39:28.000 But I didn't understand why Maron didn't understand that he's completely insane.

00:39:31.000 Carlos is like, Gone. 0.79

00:39:33.000 He's like bipolar or something.

00:39:34.000 Like, there's something wrong.

00:39:35.000 But when he started talking about the, during the podcast, what was it exactly? 0.99

00:39:43.000 Oh, shit. 0.98

00:39:44.000 Now I'm trying to remember. 1.00

00:39:48.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:39:52.000 Goddammit, I can't remember what the crazy part was. 1.00

00:39:54.000 Oh, one of the crazy ones was...

00:39:55.000 Did you tell me this one?

00:39:56.000 That he was saying that some troops...

00:39:58.000 That someone was thinking about killing themselves. 1.00

00:40:00.000 They read his shit. 1.00

00:40:01.000 Or they saw him perform and they didn't kill themselves. 1.00

00:40:04.000 Was that you?

00:40:04.000 No, that wasn't me.

00:40:06.000 I'm making shit up now. 0.97

00:40:07.000 Now I'm just giving them rumors. 0.99

00:40:10.000 But he was talking about how he would go on stage in front of guys on purpose to make them feel bad.

00:40:14.000 Really?

00:40:14.000 Yeah, he would bump guys and do an hour.

00:40:16.000 And he talked about how he did it to Marc Maron.

00:40:19.000 He talked about how he did it to...

00:40:20.000 What's that dude's name?

00:40:22.000 Steve Trevino.

00:40:24.000 First time Steve Trevino ever got the headline.

00:40:26.000 Carlos went on right before him and did like an hour...

00:40:28.000 An hour, 45 minutes or something crazy.

00:40:30.000 But when he was talking about it, he's pained that he did it.

00:40:34.000 That's the thing that I don't associate with.

00:40:36.000 Yeah, it was fake.

00:40:38.000 Man, it's what I had to do.

00:40:39.000 It's like, why?

00:40:40.000 I think he's broken. 0.98

00:40:43.000 I think he's a legit sociopath.

00:40:45.000 He doesn't feel emotions the way everybody else does, and I don't think he feels when he's hurt either.

00:40:51.000 He's got this weird block going on.

00:40:53.000 It's very strange.

00:40:54.000 I think you're talking about my brother now.

00:40:56.000 I think I'm talking about a lot of people.

00:40:58.000 There's a book written recently called The Enemy Amongst Us or something like that, something along those lines, and it was all about sociopaths, about how many people amongst us really don't feel emotions.

00:41:06.000 They just pretend they do to fit in, but they don't fear the consequences of their actions.

00:41:11.000 They don't worry about hurting other people's feelings. 1.00

00:41:13.000 That's a fucking real problem. 1.00

00:41:15.000 There's a lot of people like that. 0.99

00:41:17.000 Yeah, I think I'm on the fucking complete other side of that, man. 0.66

00:41:20.000 I'm one of those people, like, I feel everything. 0.99

00:41:23.000 Well, to be a comic, you have to be fucked up, right? 0.99

00:41:25.000 I mean, we would all admit to that. 0.99

00:41:28.000 You have to be sensitive.

00:41:29.000 You have to be insecure.

00:41:31.000 There's got to be something inside of you that wants attention so badly that it's willing to go through those early days.

00:41:36.000 Right. 0.99

00:41:37.000 Because, you know, if you're not fucked up, you're going to find something better. 0.99

00:41:40.000 You're going to find something that doesn't hurt so much. 0.99

00:41:42.000 But that need to be special has got to be so strong that you're willing to get through the bombing.

00:41:47.000 Right.

00:41:48.000 I just remember being so afraid because I was like the complete...

00:41:53.000 Not only introverted, but I had anxiety.

00:41:56.000 I had social anxiety.

00:41:57.000 I still really do, actually. 0.99

00:41:58.000 It's funny, because I can do huge fucking arenas. 0.95

00:42:01.000 If the meet and greet's 10 people, I'm like, all right, what are we doing? 0.97

00:42:05.000 But in high school, it was really bad.

00:42:07.000 And I remember feeling like that first time I got a laugh, that broke up a moment, and it was like, ugh. 0.99

00:42:13.000 Oh, that's the fucking weapon right there. 0.99

00:42:15.000 Totally. 0.99

00:42:16.000 I want people to fear my comedy.

00:42:18.000 What?

00:42:18.000 What is that?

00:42:19.000 My first one I did out of anger. 0.94

00:42:21.000 I had this really shitty math teacher who was always mean. 0.99

00:42:24.000 And she would just treat you like you were really dumb if you didn't understand things. 1.00

00:42:28.000 And she was a black lady. 1.00

00:42:29.000 And she was doing this thing on stage.

00:42:31.000 Or on stage.

00:42:33.000 She was doing this thing in front of the chalkboard, but she was writing something down.

00:42:35.000 I wasn't paying attention.

00:42:36.000 And she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these questions for the class?

00:42:41.000 And I said, would you like me to do both of those questions? 0.99

00:42:45.000 And everybody went fucking crazy. 0.97

00:42:47.000 Like, dudes could not help it. 0.99

00:42:48.000 They just started laughing and people slamming books down.

00:42:51.000 And then she kicked me out.

00:42:52.000 I got sent home for the day. 1.00

00:42:54.000 But I remember thinking at that moment, like, damn, I just got that bitch. 1.00

00:42:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:42:58.000 That's when the soundtrack starts, man.

00:43:00.000 No, I know.

00:43:01.000 I know.

00:43:01.000 After that, it was like I was a little hellion.

00:43:03.000 She was mean. 0.70

00:43:03.000 She was being mean to me. 0.70

00:43:05.000 And I shut her down in front of everybody. 0.99

00:43:07.000 I was like, damn, that was my first heckle. 0.99

00:43:09.000 I just remember skipping school one day and I was at Brigham's. 0.98

00:43:15.000 Remember Brigham's?

00:43:15.000 Sure.

00:43:16.000 And I was just sitting there and Mr. Hall, the guy who was like the house dean, came up and all of a sudden he just sat in front of me like I was busted.

00:43:25.000 And I was starting to do plays or write stuff and he goes, listen man, I know school's not for you.

00:43:31.000 He was the first person to like...

00:43:32.000 Wow.

00:43:33.000 He goes, I know school's not for you.

00:43:34.000 I know that theater and making people laugh, you're kind of a cut up now.

00:43:37.000 He goes...

00:43:37.000 That's really what you should do.

00:43:38.000 I know you want to be a comedian.

00:43:39.000 That's what you should do.

00:43:40.000 First person to ever tell me you should do that.

00:43:42.000 It's so nice to have someone there to say something like that.

00:43:45.000 I never had anybody tell me that. 0.97

00:43:47.000 Everybody told me I sucked. 0.89

00:43:49.000 My own mom told me she didn't think I should go into comedy because I wasn't very funny. 0.95

00:43:54.000 I think that's more of a mom protecting her son. 0.99

00:43:57.000 Oh, it was, for sure. 1.00

00:43:58.000 God damn, lady. 1.00

00:44:02.000 My girlfriend does that. 1.00

00:44:03.000 She doesn't want me to do comedy.

00:44:05.000 Really?

00:44:05.000 She watches her friend do it, and it's embarrassing.

00:44:08.000 She feels bad.

00:44:09.000 She's like, oh, you don't want to do that. 0.98

00:44:10.000 She just doesn't want you to eat it. 1.00

00:44:11.000 Yeah.

00:44:12.000 Watching somebody eat is hard.

00:44:13.000 My friend Eddie, you know, we've talked about that.

00:44:15.000 I got Eddie to do stand-up nine times.

00:44:18.000 He's a funny guy. 0.99

00:44:19.000 He says, like, really funny shit. 0.99

00:44:20.000 Right. 1.00

00:44:20.000 Like, always. 1.00

00:44:21.000 And I'm like, dude, you could totally be a comic. 0.94

00:44:23.000 I'm like, within two years of fucking around and practicing, you'll be open up for me on the road. 0.98

00:44:27.000 I'll help you. 0.98

00:44:28.000 I'll cut out a lot of the time, the development time.

00:44:30.000 Yeah.

00:44:31.000 I'm like, dude, you could be a comic.

00:44:32.000 Just listen to me.

00:44:32.000 I can help you.

00:44:33.000 He's like, fuck it. 1.00

00:44:34.000 Yeah, I'm gonna do this. 1.00

00:44:34.000 this how I do this and he just fucking over and over the The bombings were so disastrous. 1.00

00:44:44.000 It was so hard to watch. 0.97

00:44:46.000 It's funny how people that we know that are funny, and when they try, it's almost like they land on stage the furthest place from what really actually makes them funny and fucking interesting.

00:44:56.000 Yeah, well, they just don't know how to be perceived.

00:44:58.000 They just get confused as to how they should be perceived.

00:45:01.000 They want to somehow or another fit this mold to what they think is going to be funny. 0.96

00:45:07.000 It's like the connection between them and the audience is so distant and fucked up and jagged. 0.95

00:45:13.000 Barbed wire in the way. 0.79

00:45:14.000 For most people, they don't understand that in order to be able to be yourself and get on stage and talk in front of somebody, you have to really know how you're coming off.

00:45:25.000 You have to really know yourself in a way that a lot of people aren't comfortable looking at themselves. 0.97

00:45:30.000 It's about being revealing and then finally not giving a fuck anymore that people don't like what they see. 0.95

00:45:37.000 And then you can slowly find the people that like what they see and build the laughs from there, man. 0.99

00:45:41.000 And it's got to be a real not give a fuck. 0.99

00:45:43.000 It can't be I'm pretending to not give a fuck. 0.99

00:45:45.000 You have to have mastered it to enough where you've understood the situation and you've assessed it and you've been objective about the whole relationship between you and the audience over and over again so many times that you completely mastered it. 0.99

00:45:57.000 And then you're comfortable with the experience. 0.99

00:45:59.000 And then, only then, can you go up there and just be yourself and fuck around and be funny. 0.99

00:46:02.000 But until you hit that vibe, that one groove, you know, you're just going up there going clunky, clunk, clunk. 1.00

00:46:11.000 Please love me.

00:46:12.000 You're just like, please, what can I do to make a connection with you?

00:46:16.000 And you get it, like, little bits.

00:46:17.000 Oh, it'll touch you a little.

00:46:18.000 But it doesn't grab you and hug you, you know?

00:46:20.000 The beginning days, like, every now and then, you would crack, like, one bit that was like, ooh, it has something there.

00:46:26.000 And people would laugh.

00:46:27.000 Like, I think there's something there.

00:46:30.000 I think I'm touching gold.

00:46:31.000 There's gold under here.

00:46:32.000 Let me keep digging. 1.00

00:46:34.000 Fuck, it's hard, though. 1.00

00:46:35.000 Do you listen to yourself a lot? 1.00

00:46:36.000 Do you record your sets?

00:46:38.000 I never used to until you make CDs and then you have to, which is brutal.

00:46:44.000 And also, I remember listening to the first CD and I went, okay.

00:46:48.000 At that point in my life, there was no real drama in my life.

00:46:52.000 There was nothing.

00:46:52.000 Nothing dramatic about my life.

00:46:54.000 It was pretty easygoing.

00:46:56.000 A lot of my first stuff was very nostalgic and very kind of like, this is the stuff I grew up with.

00:47:01.000 Wee, it's fun.

00:47:02.000 That's what I knew.

00:47:03.000 And as I listened to that, I was like, alright, two things.

00:47:06.000 First of all, when I listen to myself, I would say 40% of it, there's no words.

00:47:13.000 It was just physicality.

00:47:14.000 And that was when I started really getting passionate about vernacular and wanting to build up a language and paint better stories with words.

00:47:22.000 And not only that, but I started having...

00:47:25.000 Things happen in my life, in my personal life, especially with my folks, that really were like, alright, you know what? 0.98

00:47:30.000 I'm not a kid anymore who just goes up and talks about fucking or frat kind of humor, drinking. 0.68

00:47:36.000 It was like, I have real issues, real problems, but now how do I turn a corner and how can I... It takes a while to be able to not reinvent, but have a metamorphosis on stage with truth and where you're at in your life. 0.96

00:47:49.000 Do you feel that all the criticism that you've gotten, and I can say this for myself, all the criticism that I've gotten, even the stuff that hurts and even the stuff that was wrong and just hurtful, it helps me.

00:48:00.000 Absolutely.

00:48:00.000 It's improved me.

00:48:01.000 Even the douchebags have improved me because it's made me look at myself through their eyes and go, okay, do they have a point?

00:48:08.000 What is it about me that's offensive to them?

00:48:10.000 What is it about me that they don't like?

00:48:12.000 And then you see it and you go, oh, okay, I can see how maybe I'm being kind of douchey.

00:48:17.000 Or I've had bits from my old CDs where I would like to go back and change it.

00:48:22.000 I don't even want that being a representative of my thinking.

00:48:25.000 I don't look like that anymore.

00:48:26.000 Old specials that air and people just discover you and they're like, oh, is that what you do?

00:48:30.000 Yeah.

00:48:31.000 I go to England a lot and I love it over there. 0.99

00:48:33.000 But I had an old bit about just shitting on England. 1.00

00:48:35.000 How fucking stupid it was. 1.00

00:48:37.000 How the women are disgusting. 1.00

00:48:38.000 And it was just a mean bit for no reason. 0.96

00:48:40.000 I just met a couple English people and I didn't like it. 1.00

00:48:42.000 I just wrote this crazy bit.

00:48:43.000 But now it's like I want to say I don't really think that way anymore. 1.00

00:48:46.000 This is just douchey shit. 0.99

00:48:47.000 Yeah, I definitely look back. 0.99

00:48:49.000 No regrets, because everything builds you up to where you're at, but for me, when it was like, okay, I finally hit, I crossed over, and I remember I had a moment where I was like, okay, when all the DJs in the country were really talking about me...

00:49:02.000 That's when I knew I was in trouble.

00:49:04.000 That's when I really battened down the hatches and I was like, alright, two years from now, I know the way this is going to go and I know the way it's going to come back.

00:49:11.000 And you know what?

00:49:11.000 I just took it.

00:49:12.000 I took it all on the chin. 0.99

00:49:13.000 I pretty much fucking just kept showing up, doing my thing because when the pendulum swings into the good area, it's going the same fucking direction in the other area, man. 0.97

00:49:24.000 There's a real backlash for somebody who works hard to get attention. 0.97

00:49:28.000 That's a weird thing about people.

00:49:30.000 When you work hard to get attention.

00:49:32.000 If you get attention and people love Dave Chappelle.

00:49:35.000 One of the things they love about Dave Chappelle is he's very reclusive.

00:49:38.000 He goes on stage like weird. 0.99

00:49:40.000 He'll show up in a park with a fucking PA system and do a show. 1.00

00:49:43.000 It's weird. 0.99

00:49:44.000 But when people promote a lot and people get their name out there a lot, there's a backlash for that always.

00:49:51.000 Why is that?

00:49:51.000 I don't know, man.

00:49:52.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

00:49:53.000 I did that because in 1998, I was sitting around doing nothing for most of the day except waiting for sets. 0.99

00:50:00.000 I'd just come out here. 0.99

00:50:02.000 And I was watching a documentary on fucking punk bands. 0.99

00:50:04.000 And they were showing them put up like, hey, we're dragon face. 0.99

00:50:07.000 And like literally, you know, nailing their flyers to telephone poles.

00:50:12.000 And I remember sitting there going like, this is what I need to do. 0.95

00:50:16.000 Whatever the modern version of that is, I need to fucking build a fan base. 0.90

00:50:20.000 I need to do like some kind of grassroots thing. 0.95

00:50:22.000 Because I'm, you know, I don't want this to pass me by.

00:50:25.000 And then what do I have?

00:50:26.000 Nothing.

00:50:26.000 I'm good at nothing else.

00:50:28.000 I'm really shitty at a lot of things in this world. 0.61

00:50:32.000 Really bad.

00:50:33.000 I think that's the only way you ever make it as a comic.

00:50:35.000 If I had other career paths, my other career path was brain damage.

00:50:39.000 My other career path was kickboxing.

00:50:40.000 What am I going to do?

00:50:41.000 I'm going to get brain damage for no money or I'm going to become a comic.

00:50:44.000 Well, I don't have any other skills.

00:50:45.000 I don't have a college degree. 0.98

00:50:46.000 What the fuck am I going to do? 0.99

00:50:47.000 I can't work. 1.00

00:50:48.000 I'm a shitty worker. 0.96

00:50:49.000 I would show up at construction gigs. 1.00

00:50:51.000 I'd last two weeks, pocket the money, and then fucking quit. 1.00

00:50:53.000 Like, fuck this. 1.00

00:50:54.000 It's too hard. 1.00

00:50:54.000 I would, like, tar roofs, and it was like half a day, and I'm out. 1.00

00:50:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.96

00:50:58.000 And in Boston, man, those people fucking work hard. 0.98

00:51:01.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:51:01.000 And you know that. 0.99

00:51:02.000 There's an East Coast work ethic.

00:51:04.000 Because of the fact that it snows there...

00:51:06.000 And it gets deathly cold in the winter.

00:51:08.000 People are hard. 0.99

00:51:09.000 They fucking work, man. 1.00

00:51:11.000 They get up at 7 in the morning and they're at work by 8 and they fucking work all day in the snow, in the sun, 90 fucking degrees out, hammer and nails. 1.00

00:51:20.000 That's a hard gig, bro. 0.99

00:51:22.000 Doing construction in Boston. 0.99

00:51:23.000 And it's like, you know, you're doing that, but when you know those people are coming into your shows, probably why the guys before us, it's like, you better give them a fucking show. 1.00

00:51:30.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:51:31.000 You better give everything you got. 1.00

00:51:31.000 If you haven't worked a really hard job or you come home tired and you've just been a guy who kind of went from college to comedy and kind of drifted through, you don't appreciate people's attention spans. 1.00

00:51:40.000 True.

00:51:40.000 Yeah.

00:51:41.000 People, especially on Friday night, 10 o'clock show, they're fucking tired, dude. 0.98

00:51:45.000 Right. 0.99

00:51:45.000 They're tired. 0.99

00:51:46.000 Yeah.

00:51:47.000 You know, those people worked all day and they've been drinking.

00:51:49.000 Yeah.

00:51:50.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:51:52.000 Comedy is such a fucking strange thing, man. 0.98

00:51:54.000 It's so strange. 0.99

00:51:55.000 It is our connection with something.

00:51:57.000 That's what it is.

00:51:58.000 Everybody's got their own connection to it.

00:52:00.000 Everybody's trying to figure out how this guy connected and how is he connected.

00:52:03.000 But you're the best guy at connecting with the internet.

00:52:07.000 You are the very reason why I started MySpace page.

00:52:10.000 I read an article about you in People magazine. 0.99

00:52:12.000 I was at my dermatologist checking to see if I had a fucking staph infection because I do jujitsu. 1.00

00:52:18.000 You get zits. 0.99

00:52:18.000 You got to get them checked out because it might be staph. 0.99

00:52:20.000 So I'm sitting there and I'm reading this article in People Magazine and it said you had 300,000 MySpace fans. 0.98

00:52:26.000 And I was like, you fucking imagine. 0.97

00:52:28.000 I go, 300,000 people? 0.99

00:52:30.000 You could just send out an email to 300,000 people.

00:52:32.000 I'm like, that's incredible. 0.97

00:52:33.000 I'm like, that's fucking brilliant.

00:52:35.000 So I started a MySpace page that day and I hired my friend Duncan to take care of it.

00:52:40.000 My friend Duncan got a job.

00:52:42.000 And my friend Duncan's job was just add friends to the MySpace page and I'd send him blogs and he'd put up my blogs and shit like that.

00:52:49.000 I love it how attached you seem like you always are.

00:52:52.000 It seems like you answer almost everyone's – like I've talked to so many people that you've answered like Twits or MySpaces or Facebooks.

00:52:59.000 Are you really on the internet that much?

00:53:01.000 Are you that – or do you have like a staff of dames? 1.00

00:53:03.000 No, man.

00:53:04.000 I never had anybody else log into my stuff ever.

00:53:06.000 It was always me, still always me.

00:53:08.000 How much time a day do you spend responding to emails?

00:53:11.000 Do you still use MySpace?

00:53:12.000 No. 1.00

00:53:13.000 Oh, even Dave Cook gave up on you, bitch! 1.00

00:53:16.000 Sorry, Jerry. 1.00

00:53:17.000 It's over. 1.00

00:53:17.000 The fuck is it over? 1.00

00:53:19.000 When Dane Cook gives up on Myspace, that's like Teala Tequila. 1.00

00:53:22.000 That bitch is still on. 1.00

00:53:23.000 She's still swinging. 1.00

00:53:24.000 They fucked up, though. 1.00

00:53:25.000 Isn't she? 1.00

00:53:25.000 They don't take care of their home, man. 1.00

00:53:27.000 They don't.

00:53:28.000 And they haven't touched it since. 0.97

00:53:29.000 And there's so many stupid things like adding friend requests. 0.96

00:53:32.000 It's too hard. 0.99

00:53:34.000 They're not sexy anymore.

00:53:35.000 Something else sexier came along that got it right.

00:53:38.000 Facebook got it right by simplicity. 0.99

00:53:41.000 Not letting you put fucking glitter tags. 0.98

00:53:42.000 And every time I go to your page, music starts playing. 0.99

00:53:45.000 And weird hearts fall that fucking freeze the page. 0.95

00:53:48.000 Yeah, freeze the page! 0.92

00:53:49.000 But you always had the best pages, man.

00:53:51.000 Like on MySpace.

00:53:52.000 And just personally, do you do your design yourself?

00:53:55.000 I used to do...

00:53:56.000 I learned HTML code, man.

00:53:58.000 I bought HTML for dummies.

00:53:59.000 Because I literally had nothing to do all day.

00:54:02.000 And if I wasn't playing video games...

00:54:04.000 Right. 0.98

00:54:04.000 I was fucking bored, man. 0.98

00:54:07.000 I was bored and I wanted to... 0.98

00:54:09.000 Honestly, it was like, alright, this is politics.

00:54:10.000 I need to shake hands. 1.00

00:54:12.000 I need to kiss fucking babies. 1.00

00:54:13.000 Because I want money and I don't want to live in this fucking shitty apartment with, I think like Don Barris lived downstairs for me. 1.00

00:54:21.000 He would just be fucking screaming at fucking the middle of the night. 0.99

00:54:24.000 Don Barris, for people who don't know, he hosts a thing called the Ding Dong Show at the Comedy Store, and it's all the most psychotic open micers. 0.99

00:54:32.000 There's certain open micers that are completely delusional and absolutely insane, and their acts are just so bizarre that you can't believe they're real. 0.98

00:54:40.000 Well, Don Barris puts on a show specifically with those people, and he's a fucking genius, but he's always surrounded by nuts. 0.97

00:54:45.000 And you were Polanski in Windy City Heat, right? 0.99

00:54:47.000 I did, man.

00:54:48.000 That was one of my favorite movies.

00:54:49.000 That's one of my favorite things I've done. 0.97

00:54:51.000 I just re-watched it, and I was like, holy shit, that's Dane Cook, like the first time I never realized it was you. 0.96

00:54:55.000 I still have not seen that. 0.98

00:54:57.000 I still have not seen that.

00:54:58.000 Oh, dude, it's great. 0.98

00:54:59.000 It's fucking funny. 0.97

00:54:59.000 For people who don't know, they punked this guy for a whole movie, right? 0.97

00:55:03.000 Yeah, and Kimmel pretty much swept in, made a whole movie. 0.96

00:55:06.000 They pretended this guy was famous, and the guy's crazy. 0.95

00:55:09.000 I mean, they're basically taking advantage of a crazy person.

00:55:10.000 He was always at the comedy store.

00:55:12.000 The guy was always there.

00:55:13.000 And they had this guy convinced that he was famous.

00:55:15.000 And it worked.

00:55:16.000 But basically, it's kind of sad. 1.00

00:55:17.000 I mean, they're picking on a fucking nut. 0.99

00:55:19.000 It is sad until you finally hear the stuff that wasn't in the movie and just how fucking evil he is. 1.00

00:55:23.000 Oh, he's crazy. 1.00

00:55:24.000 He's crazy. 1.00

00:55:25.000 But I feel like he's just a broken person. 0.94

00:55:28.000 Yeah.

00:55:29.000 Well, he's weird. 0.85

00:55:30.000 He's a weirdo. 0.71

00:55:32.000 He's broken.

00:55:33.000 It's weird being a Facebook friend with him too because he is still talking about that movie today.

00:55:38.000 Send me his Facebook address. 0.99

00:55:40.000 I want to read his crazy shit. 1.00

00:55:42.000 I fucked up and Ted Haggard banned me. 1.00

00:55:46.000 I was loving reading his crazy shit. 1.00

00:55:48.000 Who's your favorite Twitters and people to follow on Twitter? 0.99

00:55:51.000 Do you have any guilty Ted Nugent or anything like that?

00:55:54.000 I wish Ted Nugent was on Twitter.

00:55:56.000 I tried to find him.

00:55:57.000 He wasn't in there.

00:55:57.000 Ted Nugent's not on there?

00:55:58.000 No! 0.99

00:55:59.000 Damn it! 1.00

00:55:59.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:56:00.000 I got all kinds of crazy dudes online. 1.00

00:56:02.000 I love it. 0.95

00:56:03.000 It's like a party that I put together with all these nutty people that should never be together.

00:56:07.000 There's a thing called Flipbook now, too.

00:56:09.000 You got to get this app, man, on your iPad.

00:56:11.000 What is it? 1.00

00:56:12.000 It's a fucking app that makes... 1.00

00:56:15.000 You plug into your Facebook or Twitter and it turns whatever your feed is into a magazine. 1.00

00:56:20.000 Yeah.

00:56:21.000 With the pictures in a magazine.

00:56:23.000 So whatever the links are, it makes it like an article, like Hollywood Reporter or People Magazine.

00:56:28.000 And you flip through.

00:56:29.000 Wow. 1.00

00:56:29.000 And then it's just like, it'll be your fucking face with one of your quotes. 1.00

00:56:32.000 You gotta see this, man. 1.00

00:56:33.000 It's cool. 0.99

00:56:34.000 It's like some Minority Report type shit. 0.99

00:56:35.000 It's like that, man. 0.99

00:56:36.000 It's cool, dude.

00:56:37.000 You know what's also good is Pulse.

00:56:38.000 I don't know if you've used that word.

00:56:39.000 I got Pulse.

00:56:39.000 Yeah, that's good too.

00:56:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:56:41.000 If you want it basic.

00:56:43.000 I love the iPad.

00:56:44.000 I've been working on an app, too, because that's the new thing, man.

00:56:48.000 It's like, you know, now everybody wants...

00:56:50.000 You've got to be in somebody's pocket. 0.97

00:56:52.000 People don't even want to fucking log into a site anymore. 0.79

00:56:54.000 It's like, dude, I don't want to mess with all that. 0.99

00:56:56.000 Just be in my fucking pocket. 0.97

00:56:57.000 We've got an app that we're working on right now for this podcast, for Libsyn. 0.99

00:57:01.000 Libsyn, the company that's hosting us, they make apps for you.

00:57:04.000 So it's really cool.

00:57:05.000 When they host your podcast, they'll make you an iPhone app.

00:57:07.000 Yeah, you have a couple iPhone apps, or you used to have...

00:57:09.000 I took them all off.

00:57:10.000 I did have one with Zandal and those guys, which was great.

00:57:13.000 They did an amazing job, but I got a company working on a new app now with just the whole push notification thing.

00:57:19.000 I think one of the best companies out there for when people are talking about promoting, how can I promote, I'm a musician, I'm a comedian, whatever, is these things like SayNow.

00:57:28.000 You know what Say Now is?

00:57:29.000 That's a little, you call up and leave a little voice message.

00:57:31.000 Yeah, but it hits everybody. 0.92

00:57:33.000 Everybody who joins your Say Now, if you send a text, it's 100% fucking guarantee everybody's going to get it.

00:57:39.000 You can go regional.

00:57:40.000 If you're going into New York, do shows.

00:57:42.000 You can hit New York with a Say Now voice message.

00:57:44.000 Hey, tickets today if you guys want to come see me.

00:57:46.000 It's last minute.

00:57:47.000 As opposed to MySpace or whatever, you're hitting like.04% of people.

00:57:52.000 Twitter, they don't see that stream.

00:57:55.000 Right.

00:57:55.000 20 minutes later, if you repeat it, and then everybody's like, you're spamming!

00:57:59.000 It's like, promotionally, when we want to get the word out...

00:58:02.000 That's like mailing lists.

00:58:03.000 There's only a few people that I actually go to their Twitter page and read their personal tweets just to see.

00:58:10.000 But you have to do that.

00:58:11.000 You have to go back and be like, oh, this is funny, or this is a cool link.

00:58:14.000 There's no way you're going to catch it.

00:58:16.000 If you have a tweet deck or something like that, there's no way you're going to catch it.

00:58:19.000 How many people do you follow?

00:58:20.000 Do you follow a lot of people?

00:58:21.000 Like 70. That's it?

00:58:23.000 Damn, I follow hundreds. 0.99

00:58:24.000 I think I follow like 500 people. 0.99

00:58:25.000 Yeah, I like to keep an interest.

00:58:26.000 Yeah, and I was missing so much.

00:58:28.000 But now you can do lists.

00:58:29.000 I haven't done lists.

00:58:30.000 There's just so many nutty people on there.

00:58:32.000 There's so many cool people to follow. 0.99

00:58:34.000 I love seeing religious people right next to porn stars. 1.00

00:58:38.000 I love when they tweet back to porn stars. 0.98

00:58:40.000 Right, when it's all right there.

00:58:41.000 You feel like you're doing something to them by forcing them to cohort together. 0.69

00:58:44.000 If this was a party, this would never fucking work if you invited these people to hang out. 0.93

00:58:49.000 Yeah, I bring politicians and porn stars and I try to just make it as weird as possible. 1.00

00:58:55.000 Any fucked up person. 0.98

00:58:56.000 Haters, I find a lot of haters and I add them too. 1.00

00:58:59.000 All kinds of weird fucking people, man. 1.00

00:59:01.000 I will say this. 1.00

00:59:02.000 I have every email that everybody's ever written me.

00:59:06.000 Are you serious?

00:59:06.000 Yeah.

00:59:06.000 I figured out this method with Mac Mail years ago.

00:59:10.000 And I have everything in folders, man.

00:59:12.000 It's kind of crazy.

00:59:13.000 Jesus Christ.

00:59:13.000 But I have every military email.

00:59:15.000 I have every fucking... 0.99

00:59:16.000 I have one called Weirdos. 0.99

00:59:18.000 And it's just... 1.00

00:59:20.000 Bad shit, crazy. 1.00

00:59:21.000 You should publish a book on that. 1.00

00:59:22.000 I should, man.

00:59:23.000 Because I've had a couple of interesting stalkers, dude. 0.97

00:59:25.000 I've had a couple of fucking really, really... 0.81

00:59:28.000 Yeah, you want me to throw them a little shout out? 0.97

00:59:30.000 Yeah.

00:59:34.000 The story that we were talking about before we started doing this, that's one of the reasons why we won't talk about it on the air.

00:59:39.000 I don't want them to know that it's that interesting.

00:59:41.000 Right.

00:59:42.000 There's a bunch, though.

00:59:43.000 They're sitting there right now going, it's me, it's me.

00:59:45.000 My favorite was the Carlos Mencia mail that we got after that video...

00:59:49.000 How much like crazy...

00:59:50.000 Oh, angry people. 1.00

00:59:51.000 Angry Mexicans. 1.00

00:59:52.000 Oh, it was just terrible writing.

00:59:54.000 I mean, I saved a bunch of them.

00:59:56.000 I had a whole folder called Carlos Fans.

00:59:58.000 It was just the most ridiculous messages that I got. 0.72

01:00:00.000 They're shocking. 1.00

01:00:01.000 Just shocking how dumb some people are out there. 1.00

01:00:04.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:00:05.000 What's weird about the whole text messaging and everything, like, somebody calls, I know, I'm not going to say who it is, calls me all the time, never texts me. 0.99

01:00:12.000 And I won't even answer the phone anymore because it's just, like, stupid questions. 0.97

01:00:16.000 I think the phone call is dying. 0.99

01:00:18.000 I think to the point where, you know, I'd rather you text me.

01:00:20.000 I like making calls in my car.

01:00:22.000 Yeah.

01:00:23.000 I like it when I'm hooking up to the Bluetooth.

01:00:25.000 I can have cool conversations, you know, when I'm driving for an hour somewhere.

01:00:28.000 Just wait until you can text, though.

01:00:29.000 No, why would I want to do that when I can have a conversation?

01:00:32.000 I like conversations in the car. 0.82

01:00:33.000 That's silly.

01:00:34.000 You would rather text than have a conversation? 0.96

01:00:37.000 Huh?

01:00:37.000 Yes.

01:00:38.000 Really?

01:00:38.000 Yes.

01:00:38.000 You're just some fucking weird dude.

01:00:40.000 My problem is I have a really weird creative head where I start thinking about something. 1.00

01:00:47.000 If somebody calls me during that, I lose it.

01:00:50.000 Yeah, I just disconnect my phone, man.

01:00:51.000 Yeah, I know, but then, I don't know.

01:00:53.000 That's all I do.

01:00:54.000 I'd rather be in this mode and go, uh...

01:00:56.000 Don't do it.

01:00:57.000 No.

01:00:57.000 Then you're not committing.

01:00:58.000 I told you that write room, that program that I use?

01:01:00.000 Yes.

01:01:00.000 This is what I do.

01:01:01.000 I disconnect the phone.

01:01:02.000 I shut off my cell phone. 1.00

01:01:03.000 I tell everybody, leave me the fuck alone. 0.99

01:01:05.000 I'm going to write. 0.99

01:01:06.000 And then that's it.

01:01:07.000 I go back there.

01:01:08.000 And that write with write room, all you see is...

01:01:10.000 Have you ever used that?

01:01:11.000 No.

01:01:12.000 Shit. 1.00

01:01:12.000 Check this out. 1.00

01:01:12.000 Yeah, but like my mom... 1.00

01:01:13.000 This is how I write. 1.00

01:01:14.000 Listen, your mom is going to fucking suck it. 1.00

01:01:15.000 Talk to my mom for 15 minutes. 1.00

01:01:16.000 I want to shoot myself. 1.00

01:01:18.000 Check this out. 0.66

01:01:21.000 When you use it, it makes it turn into Tron.

01:01:26.000 This is all you see on your desk.

01:01:27.000 Oh, that's great.

01:01:28.000 All you see is green text and black screen.

01:01:30.000 You can't access your taskbar.

01:01:33.000 That's smart.

01:01:34.000 You can't do anything.

01:01:35.000 The only thing you can do is you can quit.

01:01:37.000 That's smart, man.

01:01:38.000 That keeps you focused.

01:01:39.000 Totally focused.

01:01:40.000 And I shut my phones off. 0.99

01:01:41.000 Because I write and I end up seeing shit pop up? 0.99

01:01:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:01:45.000 Or you just think, maybe I should just beat off. 0.98

01:01:47.000 And then you just go start checking out porn sites and spanking one off. 1.00

01:01:51.000 Do I hear you're writing a book right now? 0.98

01:01:53.000 I'm trying. 1.00

01:01:56.000 That shit's hard, man. 1.00

01:01:57.000 That's one of the hardest things I've ever fucking taken on. 1.00

01:02:00.000 I'm writing one right now. 0.97

01:02:01.000 And I won't let anybody help me.

01:02:02.000 People came and were like, you're going to hire this guy and no one will ever know.

01:02:06.000 And so-and-so used him. 0.98

01:02:07.000 And I'm like, first of all, that's pathetic. 0.99

01:02:10.000 And secondly, fuck, I want this to be the hardest thing that I ever accomplish. 1.00

01:02:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:02:15.000 I want to make sure that everyone knows that every word is in a certain order because I wrote it. 0.99

01:02:21.000 That's what it is.

01:02:22.000 It's all of it.

01:02:22.000 Right.

01:02:23.000 It's the best representation that I can come up with of my thoughts.

01:02:26.000 Yeah.

01:02:26.000 But you're a great writer.

01:02:27.000 I mean, I've read some of your stuff.

01:02:28.000 It's like you don't need any help in that department.

01:02:31.000 Well, thank you.

01:02:31.000 But I think everybody does.

01:02:33.000 I think you use, in the beginning especially, you could use someone else's eye.

01:02:38.000 Someone else who sees what you're doing and has a different opinion on things.

01:02:42.000 I think it's very beneficial.

01:02:44.000 I've given my stuff to friends or people that I trust to read it after the fact.

01:02:49.000 In that sense, they help.

01:02:50.000 You get feedback.

01:02:51.000 I think I'm definitely a better writer now because of all the feedback that I've gotten from people over the years.

01:02:57.000 It's like comedy in a way.

01:02:58.000 But the thing is, it's like your connection with the writing.

01:03:03.000 Sometimes it's...

01:03:05.000 It's such a hard thing to describe, but sometimes the words come to you when you're writing.

01:03:09.000 When you're on stage, you're performing, and you'll get in the groove, and bits will come to you out of thin air.

01:03:15.000 But there's something even crazier about it when you're writing.

01:03:17.000 Because when you're writing, sometimes I'll get through a whole paragraph, and then I'll go back and read it. 0.99

01:03:21.000 I go, God damn, where the fuck did that even come from? 0.99

01:03:24.000 It's like it just came out of space. 1.00

01:03:26.000 It's like I'm in this weird, semi-conscious state when I'm writing, where you're just so zoned into what you're doing.

01:03:33.000 And as you're zoned in, the sentences just sort of form themselves in your head, and then they change their position, and no, this is in the beginning, and then you read it again, and it offers you another perspective.

01:03:44.000 It just all starts, it's literally like you're tuning into something that comes out of, it's in the air somewhere.

01:03:50.000 It truly is like the most incredible form of therapy that I can...

01:03:54.000 I mean, after my folks passed away and people were like, you should go talk to somebody.

01:03:59.000 I was bringing it on stage, but I wasn't... 0.82

01:04:01.000 And then I started writing and then reading some of the shit that I was writing and realizing I didn't even know I felt that. 0.98

01:04:06.000 Because you just get in that fucking zen place where you're like, I'm not even looking at the keyboard. 0.98

01:04:11.000 I'm just putting it out there. 0.98

01:04:12.000 And then you read back and you're like, oh man, I didn't realize that's how I connected those two things together or...

01:04:18.000 So, I mean, I love writing.

01:04:20.000 It's just writing a book is tough, man.

01:04:22.000 It's very important for comics, too.

01:04:23.000 There's a lot of guys who don't like to write.

01:04:25.000 They just like to perform on stage, come up with funny ideas, which is a great way to do it.

01:04:29.000 That way it does it. 0.99

01:04:30.000 But you're not going to get the best shit. 0.98

01:04:32.000 Sometimes you're going to get ideas that come to you when you sit down and just write. 0.99

01:04:36.000 And then you can take those ideas to the stage and fuck around with them and tweak them.

01:04:39.000 But if you just try to go on stage, just come up with stuff on stage, it's not the same, right? 0.79

01:04:44.000 Yeah.

01:04:44.000 Yeah, you have to have a little kernel of something.

01:04:46.000 I mean, I can improv if I know what I want to go up there with, but I hate getting caught just leaning.

01:04:51.000 You know, when you're leaning up there going like, what else?

01:04:55.000 You find it really hard once you do it. 0.93

01:04:57.000 I find it very hard once I do a special, and then I know I have to do new shit, and then I'm really piecing it together. 0.78

01:05:02.000 And I'm always doing a million different things as once, as you are too. 0.86

01:05:05.000 Yeah.

01:05:05.000 I'm always doing a million different things.

01:05:06.000 So it's hard to fucking piece together all this new shit. 0.99

01:05:08.000 And then you got to do a new show and you're like, fuck, these people probably already seen my special. 1.00

01:05:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:05:12.000 You know, just aired. 0.99

01:05:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:05:13.000 Fucking shit. 1.00

01:05:14.000 How much new shit do I got? 1.00

01:05:15.000 I got like 40 minutes of new shit? 0.99

01:05:17.000 Bring that back at 45, but I don't even like that bit. 0.99

01:05:19.000 You know, you start picking things.

01:05:21.000 And I hate bringing stuff back that I've done before.

01:05:24.000 Oh, it feels so wrong.

01:05:25.000 It just feels rotten. 1.00

01:05:26.000 It feels like you're a shithead. 1.00

01:05:26.000 You're cheating. 1.00

01:05:28.000 You're robbing them or something like that.

01:05:29.000 Unless they ask for it.

01:05:30.000 If people scream for it, and if I can remember it, that's a problem.

01:05:34.000 Someone will yell out, like, Anna Nicole Smith.

01:05:35.000 I'm like...

01:05:36.000 I can't do it.

01:05:37.000 That bit's like seven minutes long and I don't even know.

01:05:39.000 I know some of the punch lines. 0.96

01:05:41.000 This may sound super fucking cheesy or something like Bon Jovi would do, but during my last tour, I would bring somebody up out of the crowd and I'd be like, you know the fucking Kool-Aid bit? 0.97

01:05:50.000 Because I haven't done it in 12 years. 0.98

01:05:51.000 And they do it!

01:05:52.000 They do it!

01:05:53.000 And I'm watching them act out and they know the kick that I would do or whatever physical thing.

01:05:58.000 And I'm just like, this is crazy. 0.88

01:06:01.000 Wow, that's actually pretty fucking cool. 0.58

01:06:03.000 I started out doing comedy. 0.55

01:06:05.000 One of the reasons why I did comedy in the first place was reenacting comedians' bits that I saw on TV to my friends when I was 18, 19. I remember there was a girl that I was working with.

01:06:15.000 I was working at the Boston Athletic Club in South Boston, and I was a fitness trainer.

01:06:20.000 This girl that was working there had seen Sam Kinison on HBO. She comes up to me and she goes, You gotta see this comedian. 0.85

01:06:26.000 He's so fucking funny. 0.94

01:06:27.000 He does this bit about... 0.99

01:06:29.000 It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. 0.99

01:06:30.000 She gets down on her stomach in the parking lot doing Sam Kinison's bit about the gay guys having sex with the corpses. 0.99

01:06:39.000 And she's lying down in the parking lot at the Boston Athletic Club. 0.98

01:06:42.000 And she's like, so here these guys are.

01:06:44.000 That's how he does it.

01:06:44.000 Here these guys are.

01:06:45.000 They're lying on the slabs.

01:06:47.000 Like, oh my god, I'm gonna go to heaven.

01:06:49.000 I'm gonna be with Jesus.

01:06:50.000 And oh, oh!

01:06:51.000 What is this? 1.00

01:06:52.000 It seems like some guy's got his dick in my ass! 1.00

01:06:55.000 Oh, you mean life keeps fucking the ass even after you're dead? 1.00

01:06:57.000 It never ends! 1.00

01:06:59.000 She did that bit for me in the parking lot, and I was howling, laughing, and I instantly became obsessed with stand-up comedy and with Sam Kinison.

01:07:06.000 I was like, I have to go watch this.

01:07:08.000 This is the craziest thing I've ever seen.

01:07:09.000 It took a long time to get a VHS copy of it, and I finally got to see it. 0.99

01:07:14.000 I was like, holy shit.

01:07:16.000 So would you say that was obviously one of the moments that defined your formative years in stand-up comedy? 0.99

01:07:22.000 Yeah.

01:07:23.000 There was that, and when I was a little kid, I was about 13, my parents took me to see Live on the Sunset Strip.

01:07:29.000 And Richard Pryor...

01:07:30.000 Yeah.

01:07:30.000 Dude, my parents were hippies.

01:07:32.000 Yeah.

01:07:32.000 And...

01:07:33.000 My sister was like 12. She went too.

01:07:35.000 Shit. 1.00

01:07:35.000 And so we're in this theater and I remember laughing so fucking hard. 1.00

01:07:41.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:07:42.000 It's kind of funny about stand-up comedy, man, because Richard Pryor was one of the most brilliant ever for sure.

01:07:46.000 But honestly, when you watch it today, some of it is very dated.

01:07:51.000 You know, it doesn't hit me the way it hit me back then.

01:07:54.000 And that's the case with music.

01:07:55.000 That's the case with a lot of things.

01:07:56.000 Lenny Bruce is one of the greatest ever.

01:07:58.000 One of the most important pioneers of comedy ever.

01:08:01.000 It's very hard to laugh at his stuff now.

01:08:02.000 Because the culture changes.

01:08:04.000 People's perceptions change.

01:08:05.000 And comedy changes.

01:08:06.000 And the comedy that you do today would probably be too shocking for people who lived it.

01:08:11.000 It's like comedy is defined by its certain era.

01:08:13.000 So if you go back and watch Live on the Sunsets trip today, it's not going to hit me like it hit me when I was 13. But when I was 13, I didn't know anything about comedy.

01:08:21.000 I couldn't believe there was someone actually saying these things.

01:08:24.000 And he was saying it so perfectly.

01:08:25.000 I was crying laughing, and I remember looking around at this theater.

01:08:28.000 I'll never forget this.

01:08:29.000 People were moving forward in their chairs and rocking back and forth.

01:08:33.000 And I was thinking, I've never seen anyone laugh like this in a movie.

01:08:37.000 And this guy's just talking.

01:08:38.000 I was thinking about Stripes, because Stripes had been out at the time.

01:08:41.000 It was one of the greatest comedy movies ever.

01:08:43.000 I'm like, it's not this funny.

01:08:44.000 Nothing is this funny.

01:08:45.000 This is crazy.

01:08:46.000 This guy's just talking.

01:08:48.000 And that was the first big seed.

01:08:50.000 That was huge.

01:08:50.000 That was just the seed of my fascination with stand-up.

01:08:53.000 But until I got people that told me that I could do it, I did not think I could do it.

01:08:58.000 I was teaching Taekwondo and fighting in tournaments, and these guys that I would train with I would make them laugh in the locker room and on the way to tournaments.

01:09:05.000 Because everybody was scared on the way to tournaments. 0.99

01:09:07.000 We're going to get kicked and punched and shit. 1.00

01:09:09.000 It's fucking terrifying. 1.00

01:09:10.000 And a lot of guys got knocked out. 0.99

01:09:12.000 And you get to see your friends get knocked unconscious by getting kicked in the head.

01:09:15.000 So there was a lot of gallows humor on these trips. 1.00

01:09:18.000 So I would always be the guy that would do impressions of all the different teammates having gay sex and all this different shit. 0.99

01:09:23.000 And that's how I got talked to doing stand-up comedy, man. 1.00

01:09:27.000 Fuck, stand-up comedy has got to be one of the fucking weirdest jobs to ever enter in ever because no one can tell you how to do it. 0.99

01:09:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:09:33.000 And trying to tell other people what it really is. 1.00

01:09:35.000 We could talk all day. 1.00

01:09:37.000 You just, you know, you've got to be in the fucking mix, man. 0.99

01:09:41.000 When you're at your best, when you're locked on on stage and crushing, don't you feel, or do you feel, because this is how I feel, I feel like I'm just riding it. 0.99

01:09:50.000 I feel like I'm a passenger.

01:09:51.000 Mm-hmm.

01:09:52.000 I feel like I'm tuned into this whole thing, but I feel like as everything's coming out and I'm hitting all the things, it's almost like I'm on autopilot.

01:10:00.000 I'm in some crazy groove where I'm getting to watch this and I'm getting to experience the words coming out of my mouth as they happen.

01:10:06.000 I have no idea. 0.93

01:10:08.000 How the fuck it's all working so smoothly. 0.82

01:10:10.000 I really can't even take credit for it. 0.98

01:10:11.000 That's interesting because I can't speak anywhere near as flawlessly as when I'm on stage.

01:10:17.000 If I try to tell you a bit, I will stammer. 0.97

01:10:20.000 I will fucking not remember. 0.96

01:10:22.000 And I can groove on stage sometimes, like surfing, where you're like, I don't know how I'm staying up for an hour. 0.98

01:10:28.000 Just like...

01:10:30.000 There's that intensity.

01:10:31.000 There's an intensity of communicating with people.

01:10:34.000 Every cylinder, everything in your brain just goes...

01:10:38.000 It just all fires up and it cranks.

01:10:40.000 There's that Steve Martin quote in Born Standing Up where he goes, I can feel it in my fingernails, I point out.

01:10:46.000 I can feel it in my foot, the way it just moves and plants. 0.98

01:10:50.000 Every part of my body feels like it's emitting fucking stand-up. 0.97

01:10:53.000 But yet he hated it. 0.98

01:10:56.000 Well, what he hated is the adulation that came when he became immediately, gigantically successful, and then he couldn't get an honest response from people anymore.

01:11:05.000 They would start screaming and cheering as soon as they saw him, and he would do these gigantic arenas that he couldn't control, and they were just totally out of control.

01:11:12.000 Which happens to a lot of guys when they get big.

01:11:14.000 Like, you know, Chappelle, when he was touring, he would be really frustrated after the Rick James sketch. 0.99

01:11:20.000 The sketch came out because people would be yelling out everywhere, I'm Rick James, bitch! 0.99

01:11:24.000 He'd be in the middle of setups, I'm Rick James, bitch! 0.99

01:11:27.000 And they couldn't kick out enough people. 0.99

01:11:29.000 It was just too nutty.

01:11:30.000 That, to me, honestly, when Dice was at his peak, when I first was watching the HBO specials, I watched Young Comedian specials and then he had that... 0.98

01:11:38.000 I remember feeling like, how the fuck can I do this but not be a character? 0.98

01:11:45.000 How can I do this and be as real, still be an entertainer, still be on, but be as much me so there's none of that fucking catchphrase? 0.99

01:11:54.000 Right, right. 0.97

01:11:55.000 Not to say people, you know, everybody wants to be a little Mark Twain. 0.99

01:11:57.000 You want your shit quoted, yes, but not like that. 0.99

01:12:01.000 Right. 0.99

01:12:01.000 Not like that, not a t-shirt. 0.99

01:12:03.000 Right.

01:12:03.000 Do you get that weird feeling that, you know, it's also like when you are first starting out doing comedy, how old were you when you first got on stage?

01:12:10.000 19?

01:12:11.000 No, 18. You're looking at me.

01:12:13.000 I was 21, and I was not a fully formed person yet.

01:12:19.000 So it's like when you're on stage and you're talking, I don't know if I am yet either. 1.00

01:12:24.000 I'm sure when I'm 60, I look back at myself now and go, what the fuck kind of shit were you talking, stupid? 1.00

01:12:29.000 You know that feeling. 1.00

01:12:30.000 But I know that I did not have anything to say.

01:12:34.000 There was no reason for me to be up there talking. 0.99

01:12:37.000 I really didn't know who the fuck I was. 0.99

01:12:39.000 I didn't know what I was saying. 1.00

01:12:40.000 I could show you how to kick somebody in the face.

01:12:43.000 I really didn't have any opinions that were valid on anything else.

01:12:47.000 What's my opinion on anything?

01:12:49.000 I could tell you something silly my girlfriend did when she was blowing me or something. 1.00

01:12:53.000 That's it. 0.89

01:12:54.000 But other than that... 1.00

01:12:56.000 Who the fuck are you? 0.99

01:12:57.000 But you were, and I threw off a little bit, because you were saying like, so then when Chappelle started doing the bigger shows, because yeah, even Steve Martin, he lost control of the fucking... 1.00

01:13:06.000 Did you, how quick was the jump between you doing clubs and you doing these giant places, giant arenas?

01:13:11.000 It was actually a slow but steady trajectory where when that web stuff...

01:13:16.000 What happened was this.

01:13:17.000 In 2001, my first real website that I put up, in combination of Napster starting to get hot and me uploading all my shit to that with the link, I literally uploaded clips with me at the end going, VisitDaneCook.com at the end of every 20 second clip. 0.58

01:13:34.000 Then Comedy Central, I did a half hour presents that I thought would air fucking twice.

01:13:38.000 That was the one with you and the tank top, right? 0.96

01:13:40.000 The tank top.

01:13:41.000 Dude, I thought, alright, you know what?

01:13:44.000 This will air a couple of times, maybe.

01:13:45.000 I gotta light a fire. 0.99

01:13:46.000 I'm not wearing a bowling fucking shirt. 0.99

01:13:48.000 I don't want to look like what anybody else did. 1.00

01:13:50.000 I just want to do some crazy shit. 1.00

01:13:52.000 Maybe people will fucking pay attention. 1.00

01:13:54.000 Never realizing they were going to air it. 0.99

01:13:57.000 Five times a week for like two years.

01:14:00.000 It built my whole fan base and almost immediately went from a few hundred seeders to a couple thousand and then I'm doing all the college stuff in over three, four, five years.

01:14:10.000 The emails, the instant messages, doing those schools, renting out the arenas at the schools and it just built.

01:14:18.000 How much time do you spend every day talking to fans, emailing, Facebooking, Twittering, all that shit? 0.98

01:14:24.000 I'll tell you, man. 0.97

01:14:25.000 I used to talk to everybody.

01:14:27.000 I used to reply to everybody.

01:14:30.000 That was at the beginning.

01:14:31.000 From 2000 to 2005, that's really what I did most of my day. 0.99

01:14:36.000 And then it got to a point where you don't need to read all the fucking crazy shit that comes back. 0.98

01:14:41.000 And, you know, there's just too many opinions and too much negativity. 0.99

01:14:44.000 So it came down to I'm replying to troops.

01:14:47.000 If I get letters from, like, and I can check by the email, somebody, you know, one of our troops writes.

01:14:51.000 Or if it's like a kid, I write back.

01:14:54.000 I've been trolling as a kid for years, man.

01:14:57.000 Don't assume.

01:14:58.000 Don't assume.

01:14:59.000 Don't assume you're talking to a real kid.

01:15:00.000 I've been talking to Joe.

01:15:01.000 How great would that be if you pulled out a log?

01:15:05.000 I'm writing a book.

01:15:06.000 A 12-year-old gets advice from Dane.

01:15:08.000 No, but it took a while, man.

01:15:09.000 It was not like everybody...

01:15:10.000 There's that old expression, oh, it took 20 years to be an overnight sensation.

01:15:14.000 It was a long time, man.

01:15:15.000 It was not as instant, maybe, as some people thought. 0.60

01:15:18.000 It's got to be satisfying, though, to know that you went out here and you did some movies and shit and some things didn't connect and didn't happen well for you, but you did it all on your own.

01:15:28.000 Everything was done through your own, you figuring out how to self-promote. 0.89

01:15:33.000 And you changed everybody's attitude about it.

01:15:36.000 No comics are good promoters except...

01:15:39.000 I mean, there's a few.

01:15:39.000 It's very rare.

01:15:40.000 But until you came along, no comics were really good at self-promotion.

01:15:44.000 Totally changed my attitude towards it.

01:15:46.000 You learned that from your father, right?

01:15:47.000 I did, man.

01:15:48.000 A couple things, and I want to give credit to Joe, too, and I told you this a long time ago.

01:15:52.000 You were the first person to have a website. 0.98

01:15:54.000 Not only a website, but you had cool shit on your website, man. 1.00

01:15:57.000 You had fucking cool designs and fucking... 0.99

01:15:59.000 And that is a direct result of my obsession with Quake, because I was obsessed with Quake, and I ran into this guy, Andrew, who was this nut that I met online. 0.99

01:16:06.000 He's my Quake clan. 0.97

01:16:07.000 This is how fucked up I was. 0.98

01:16:09.000 I'd have all these dudes online from Kentucky and Oklahoma. 0.99

01:16:12.000 They would come and fly to California and stay at my house.

01:16:14.000 This is when I was on news radio.

01:16:16.000 I was on TV, and dudes would come over to my house that I didn't know.

01:16:19.000 They were just my Quake buddies.

01:16:21.000 Really?

01:16:22.000 They would come over and stay at the house.

01:16:23.000 That's weird.

01:16:23.000 Yeah, I'm not bullshitting.

01:16:24.000 I had like five dudes come over to my house, and we had a LAN party.

01:16:26.000 I was so obsessed with this that I put a T1 line in my house.

01:16:30.000 Because back then, you couldn't get any fast internet.

01:16:32.000 You'd get ISDN, which is not quick enough.

01:16:34.000 So I said, okay, how much is a T1 line?

01:16:36.000 It was $1,000 a month.

01:16:37.000 I'm like, let's do this. 0.97

01:16:37.000 So they fucking have to install this business-grade... 0.97

01:16:41.000 That's why you beat me all those times. 0.99

01:16:43.000 You're on a faster connection. 1.00

01:16:45.000 You son of a bitch! 1.00

01:16:46.000 That's it! 1.00

01:16:47.000 That's all it was.

01:16:48.000 I was completely wired to the gills.

01:16:50.000 We're on 33.6.

01:16:51.000 It's your ping.

01:16:52.000 Your ping time is what's important.

01:16:54.000 You could be on 56k, but if you're really close to the server, your ping is fine.

01:16:57.000 It's all about how much you do it.

01:17:00.000 Just become obsessed with it.

01:17:02.000 You start to know your frame rates and when you're going to click and bounce.

01:17:06.000 That's so dangerous.

01:17:07.000 Getting really addicted to things like that, you will lose your life.

01:17:10.000 Yeah.

01:17:10.000 Right?

01:17:11.000 Do you worry about doing shit like that? 0.96

01:17:13.000 Like things that eat away your time, relationships. 0.99

01:17:16.000 Marijuana.

01:17:17.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:17:18.000 How dare you?

01:17:20.000 No, I mean, listen, for me, all I ever wanted to do was create.

01:17:24.000 That's it. 0.98

01:17:25.000 I don't have any other fucking abilities. 0.97

01:17:30.000 You know, I really just, when I was a kid, I had that epiphany moment where I was like, all I really care about is being around performers, talking about performing, talking about, you know, making something from nothing. 0.98

01:17:40.000 And you brought up my dad.

01:17:42.000 I was like, that's, my favorite conversations in life were with him because he was the kind of guy who would go, yeah, I don't, you know, you're a lot of talk, Dane. 0.99

01:17:49.000 I want to see shit. 0.98

01:17:50.000 And it was like, he was just motivating, man. 1.00

01:17:53.000 That's important, man.

01:17:54.000 That's important.

01:17:55.000 Having people that don't totally, completely believe in you, you know, it is actually an important thing.

01:18:00.000 The mom was like, oh, I think you're the greatest, you're the best.

01:18:02.000 She was so fucking uber supportive.

01:18:04.000 But my dad was like, yeah, you're not really doing anything. 0.90

01:18:08.000 In order for you to develop the kind of fortitude that you're going to need to get through the hard times, you have to have something to prove.

01:18:14.000 That's what I think.

01:18:15.000 I think it's too hard if you don't.

01:18:17.000 It's too hard to really push yourself.

01:18:19.000 If you don't have a chip on your shoulder or something to prove or some gap to fill, you're not going to do it.

01:18:25.000 You're not going to get through that.

01:18:26.000 Think about all the guys that we started out with that were just as good as us.

01:18:28.000 There was a lot of guys that were very commensurate.

01:18:31.000 They were all really...

01:18:32.000 And you think of them and you're like, what happened to that guy, man? 0.99

01:18:34.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

01:18:34.000 That guy used to kill. 1.00

01:18:35.000 He used to have this one bit and used to destroy.

01:18:37.000 And I just could see that guy on Evening at the Improv.

01:18:40.000 I could see that guy headlining.

01:18:42.000 And he just stopped.

01:18:43.000 Stopped doing it.

01:18:44.000 Girls, too.

01:18:45.000 There was this chick, Leanne Lewis. 0.99

01:18:47.000 I was an open-miker with her.

01:18:48.000 Do you remember her?

01:18:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:18:49.000 Dude, she had some fucking good bits, man. 0.99

01:18:53.000 She was still trying to figure out how to go on stage. 0.99

01:18:55.000 But as a comic, as a chick, too, especially, it was very honest and out of nowhere and well-written shit. 0.96

01:19:04.000 I was like, wow, this chick's going to be huge someday. 0.97

01:19:06.000 She's going to be like Ellen.

01:19:07.000 Just disappeared.

01:19:08.000 Just fell off.

01:19:09.000 Where'd you go?

01:19:10.000 It's weird.

01:19:11.000 It's weird. 0.99

01:19:13.000 There's so many fucking, so many slots. 0.99

01:19:15.000 So many people going towards these slots. 1.00

01:19:17.000 Yeah.

01:19:18.000 And some of them just, they're just too far up the salmon ladder. 1.00

01:19:21.000 They're just, fuck this. 1.00

01:19:22.000 They just can't do it. 1.00

01:19:23.000 Dan, you should use your Hollywood connections to get, John Hughes was just about to release the extra hour of planes, trains, and automobiles that they filmed.

01:19:33.000 Yeah.

01:19:33.000 Right before he died.

01:19:34.000 I heard about that.

01:19:34.000 What happened to that now?

01:19:35.000 I don't know, man.

01:19:36.000 It's completely gone.

01:19:36.000 It's probably all in the family.

01:19:38.000 The family probably owns it, and they have to figure out the rights.

01:19:40.000 If that's what he wanted, I'm sure they'll probably release it still.

01:19:42.000 Why would they want to keep it?

01:19:43.000 They've kept it for, what, 20 years?

01:19:46.000 He wasn't going to release it ever, but then just recently he was thinking about it.

01:19:49.000 Oh, well, I don't know that.

01:19:51.000 That would be so awesome.

01:19:53.000 Unless it was in his will. 0.97

01:19:54.000 Who knows what the fuck's going to happen? 0.96

01:19:55.000 I was telling you before that one Steve Martin moment that was really – because I had dinner with him like a few months ago. 0.97

01:20:03.000 He sent me a copy of his book.

01:20:04.000 I was completely blown away.

01:20:06.000 I'd never met him. 0.98

01:20:07.000 I heard all this stuff about him that he's kind of like – maybe not – he's a little socially awkward, all this shit. 0.88

01:20:13.000 What a trip it is meeting someone that famous, right? 0.69

01:20:15.000 Meeting really your hero too, which you don't want to do, by the way.

01:20:18.000 Usually you meet your heroes and you're like, oh, that kind of sucked.

01:20:22.000 But with him, I was like, alright, he sent me a copy of his book and I wrote back just to be like, could I take you out to lunch?

01:20:29.000 And he agreed and So I sat down with him for a little bit, and he's really, like, I can be shy.

01:20:35.000 I don't know about shy, but I can still be, like, a little bit, you know, quiet.

01:20:39.000 But he's very much like, he won't say a word, I don't think, if you don't start the conversation with him.

01:20:44.000 But he did say to me at one point, he goes, he looked at me kind of, like, perplexed, and he's like, you look like you really love it up there.

01:20:51.000 And I was like, yeah, no, I really do, you know, when you're in the middle of a, and I started kind of, and he goes, yeah, I never had that.

01:20:59.000 I go, never.

01:21:00.000 I go, not even at the...

01:21:01.000 And he goes, I never had that.

01:21:03.000 I never felt connected to stand-up.

01:21:05.000 I thought that.

01:21:06.000 Yeah.

01:21:06.000 That's so strange.

01:21:08.000 What I have least in common with Steve Martin is comedy.

01:21:11.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:21:13.000 I wonder if he's just got some weird connect in his mind.

01:21:15.000 Maybe he's depressed.

01:21:16.000 Maybe a naturally depressed person.

01:21:18.000 Well, if you read a lot of...

01:21:19.000 I read a lot of the stuff in The New Yorker when he would write. 1.00

01:21:22.000 Yeah, it was depressing shit. 1.00

01:21:23.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:21:24.000 That letter to my father?

01:21:25.000 Yeah.

01:21:26.000 That says it all, man.

01:21:27.000 Read that.

01:21:28.000 I was telling Brian this. 0.99

01:21:28.000 I was going to bring this up, but fuck it. 0.99

01:21:30.000 When Phil Hartman was alive, Phil Hartman was really good friends with Steve Martin, and Phil Hartman... 0.99

01:21:34.000 Was going to set Steve Martin up with what I call a coyote. 0.99

01:21:38.000 What a coyote is is these really kind of crafty, professional chicks that will fuck celebrity guys in order to try to get famous, try to figure out some way. 1.00

01:21:48.000 This is pre-TMZ. Now it's like you really can fuck someone and all of a sudden become hugely famous. 1.00

01:21:54.000 Like that girl, the Jesse James girl? 0.99

01:21:56.000 What's her name?

01:21:57.000 Bombshell McGee?

01:21:58.000 The Mel Gibson girl.

01:21:59.000 Yeah, that girl. 1.00

01:21:59.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:22:00.000 And then all of a sudden, that actually can parlay into some sort of a something. 0.98

01:22:04.000 I mean, who knows what the fuck you can do. 0.98

01:22:06.000 People have your name. 1.00

01:22:06.000 They know who the fuck you are right now. 1.00

01:22:08.000 And she was one of those. 1.00

01:22:09.000 She was just kind of creepy.

01:22:10.000 She was very insincere, but really hot. 1.00

01:22:13.000 Just really beautiful, but just kind of...

01:22:15.000 Put something vacuous there.

01:22:17.000 Phil was going to set Steve Martin up with her.

01:22:20.000 I forget who it was.

01:22:21.000 One of the cast members was like, that is the creepiest thing ever.

01:22:24.000 He's setting her up with a murderer.

01:22:27.000 This is before, obviously, Phil's wife killed him.

01:22:30.000 He's like, this woman, she's not into him. 1.00

01:22:33.000 She's looking at it as an opportunity. 0.55

01:22:35.000 She's like a little assassin. 1.00

01:22:36.000 She's going to move in. 0.99

01:22:37.000 I was like, whoa, that is creepy.

01:22:38.000 Then I started thinking of them as coyotes.

01:22:40.000 From then on, because that's how coyotes look at your cat. 1.00

01:22:42.000 They look at your cat and are like, look what we got here, bitch. 1.00

01:22:45.000 I just gotta figure out a way to get there. 1.00

01:22:47.000 Yeah.

01:22:47.000 You know?

01:22:48.000 Those Sky Bar chicks. 1.00

01:22:50.000 You ever go to the Sky Bar?

01:22:51.000 Once in a while.

01:22:52.000 Cross the street from the comedy store, we would always go there, because it'd be really easy.

01:22:55.000 You just walk across the street and grab a drink.

01:22:56.000 Yeah.

01:22:56.000 And there was always, like, this conversation.

01:22:58.000 Do you do coke?

01:23:00.000 Sometimes.

01:23:01.000 Like, always.

01:23:02.000 That's the whole conversation.

01:23:03.000 Yeah.

01:23:03.000 There's, like, producers trying to talk starlets into bed, and coyotes preying on, like, balding Jewish men with money.

01:23:12.000 I always hear, hooray for Hollywood!

01:23:15.000 During all those boring conversations. 0.97

01:23:18.000 How much of a mindfuck is it when you actually met Steve Martin? 0.99

01:23:21.000 When you're sitting there talking to him, isn't it like, holy shit, how does this happen? 0.99

01:23:26.000 How can this be real? 0.89

01:23:27.000 I met Gene Simmons, he came to my New Year's show, and I was like, Gene Simmons is at my show.

01:23:34.000 This is insane.

01:23:35.000 I saw kids a bunch of times as a kid.

01:23:38.000 I saw them in the 70s.

01:23:39.000 My uncle used to work for Howard Marks Advertising, which was a company that did their album covers.

01:23:44.000 So I got to meet Ace Freely when I was like eight years old.

01:23:46.000 So I got to see them when I was really young.

01:23:48.000 I got to see them live in concert.

01:23:50.000 And then I got to see them, Kevin James and I went twice in the 90s. 0.88

01:23:53.000 We were like, holy shit, two nights in a row we're seeing Kiss. 0.99

01:23:55.000 I mean, fucking huge fan. 1.00

01:23:57.000 So all of a sudden Gene Simmons is at my show and I'm shit in my pants. 1.00

01:24:01.000 I was like really nervous for the first time in front of one of my crowds. 0.99

01:24:05.000 I mean, everyone is there specifically to see me, but fucking Gene Simmons is one of them. 0.99

01:24:12.000 I'm like, holy shit! 1.00

01:24:13.000 An icon is going to be entertained by you. 0.99

01:24:15.000 I had to talk about it.

01:24:16.000 I had to talk about it right away. 0.59

01:24:17.000 I'm like, if I don't get this out right away, that's going to be fucking with my head the entire time I'm on stage. 0.70

01:24:21.000 Junior high school, Motley Crue.

01:24:22.000 I was listening to Shout at the Devil, and it was like, that was my anthem. 0.99

01:24:26.000 And I fucking went and saw Motley Crue. 0.99

01:24:28.000 And two years ago, I'm at the Laugh Factory, and all of a sudden, a madman starts fucking running around the crowd. 0.99

01:24:32.000 It's Tommy Lee, and I found out he's my biggest fan ever. 0.98

01:24:36.000 Wow! 0.98

01:24:37.000 And here's the fucked up thing. 0.99

01:24:39.000 I would go to Motley Crue and do Devil Signs and I had the Sufi thing. 1.00

01:24:41.000 He's fucking doing what I was doing at his fucking show to me in front of the fucking Laugh Factory. 0.99

01:24:47.000 And I'm doing the same thing. 1.00

01:24:48.000 I'm going, this is fucking wrong! 0.99

01:24:51.000 This is too fucking... 0.99

01:24:52.000 This is the Matrix, man! 1.00

01:24:54.000 I met Tommy Lee, and I was so shocked that he even knew who the fuck I was. 0.98

01:24:57.000 I was like, this is the weirdest thing ever. 0.98

01:24:58.000 He loves comedy, man.

01:24:59.000 He's like, he's into it.

01:25:00.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:25:00.000 No, he's fucking, he loves comics. 0.99

01:25:02.000 He wants to, or he wanted to, at the time, fight Kid Rock, and he wanted me to get him a trainer. 0.99

01:25:08.000 He decided he needed to fight Kid Rock for Pamela Anderson's honor. 0.98

01:25:11.000 Wow.

01:25:12.000 So he was talking to me about, like, who's a good trainer?

01:25:13.000 I'm like, we can get you a trainer.

01:25:15.000 Like, what, you want to do jiu-jitsu?

01:25:16.000 You want to kickbox?

01:25:17.000 What do you want to do?

01:25:17.000 You want to stand and bang?

01:25:18.000 Yeah.

01:25:21.000 I mean, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, that would have been one of the saddest fights of all time.

01:25:24.000 Didn't that happen, though, like at a music award?

01:25:26.000 Well, I think somebody punched somebody.

01:25:27.000 I think Kid Rock probably punched him.

01:25:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:29.000 I don't know who would win that fight, but Kid Rock, he's got that crazy white trash thing going on where you have to kill him. 1.00

01:25:36.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:25:38.000 Yeah.

01:25:38.000 Detroit.

01:25:39.000 You think he's down.

01:25:41.000 You're like, we're done. 0.99

01:25:41.000 We're fucking done here, right? 0.99

01:25:43.000 Yeah, yeah, we're done. 0.99

01:25:45.000 We're done now when I fucking say something! 1.00

01:25:48.000 Fucking hit you in the head with a bottle or something. 1.00

01:25:51.000 He's out of his mind. 1.00

01:25:52.000 I would probably have to bank on Kid Rock there.

01:25:54.000 Yeah, I'd go Kid Rock.

01:25:56.000 He's a scrapper.

01:25:57.000 Tommy's a long, tall guy.

01:25:59.000 If he's got a good straight right, if somebody teaches him how to throw it, he's a drummer. 0.99

01:26:02.000 Drummers have a lot of fucking endurance, man. 1.00

01:26:04.000 All that shit, that's endurance. 1.00

01:26:05.000 That's like a speed bag all day. 1.00

01:26:07.000 Tommy might fucking box his eyes off. 0.98

01:26:08.000 That might be it, you're right. 0.99

01:26:09.000 He might stand in front of him and just, tink, tink, tink!

01:26:11.000 But Rock's a drummer too. 1.00

01:26:12.000 People forget that he's a fucking drummer. 0.99

01:26:14.000 Yeah, but how much does he drum? 1.00

01:26:16.000 He's a drummer like...

01:26:17.000 Not consistently.

01:26:18.000 Like I play pool. 1.00

01:26:19.000 He's not a goddamn professional. 0.99

01:26:21.000 He's not out there beating it for Motley Crue, right? 1.00

01:26:23.000 No, no, no. 0.99

01:26:23.000 He takes a lot of goddamn endurance to drum. 0.99

01:26:25.000 You ever try drumming? 1.00

01:26:27.000 No.

01:26:27.000 What are you doing?

01:26:28.000 It's a fake sleeve. 1.00

01:26:29.000 Such a silly fuck. 1.00

01:26:30.000 This is for the folks on iTunes. 1.00

01:26:33.000 Fake Koi. 0.98

01:26:33.000 A fake tattoo. 0.98

01:26:35.000 That was a stoner purchase.

01:26:37.000 It was $7 for four different sleeves.

01:26:39.000 Oh, I got a whole shirt.

01:26:41.000 I got a whole shirt like that.

01:26:42.000 Somebody sent it to me. 0.91

01:26:43.000 He's like, man, isn't this the fucking coolest? 0.96

01:26:44.000 Like, I would wear it. 0.98

01:26:45.000 I was like, what are you talking about?

01:26:47.000 It's tights.

01:26:48.000 It's flashy designer tights.

01:26:50.000 Yeah.

01:26:51.000 That's all it is.

01:26:51.000 It's like you're wearing a rash guard out.

01:26:53.000 But I brought my Falcon cuff.

01:26:55.000 You know, like the Eddie Bravo Falcon cuff.

01:26:57.000 Joe, did you ever get to, as far as just comics that you fucking dug coming up, did you ever get to do shows with like, I don't know, who your Steve Martin was or like a Kinison or one of those guys?

01:27:08.000 No.

01:27:09.000 Dom Herrera's the closest.

01:27:10.000 I got to do shows with Dom at the Comedy Store.

01:27:12.000 That was big to me because I paid to see Dom before I ever did comedy. 0.98

01:27:15.000 And for people who don't know, Dom Herrera, fuck, in the late 80s and the early 90s, he was a monster. 0.96

01:27:21.000 He's still a very funny guy, but... 0.98

01:27:22.000 For whatever reason, he doesn't get as much attention as I think his act deserves.

01:27:26.000 But back then, he was really, really popular.

01:27:29.000 And I paid to see him.

01:27:30.000 I was living in Boston.

01:27:30.000 I took my girlfriend to see him at Nick's Comedy Stop.

01:27:33.000 And I had never gone on stage yet.

01:27:35.000 And all of a sudden, in Montreal, at the Comedy Festival, I was like, I'm working with him. 0.99

01:27:39.000 I'm like, holy shit. 0.97

01:27:40.000 It was only like six years later, seven years later, whatever. 0.96

01:27:43.000 It was really fresh in my mind. 1.00

01:27:44.000 I was like, holy fuck. 1.00

01:27:45.000 I paid to see this guy. 1.00

01:27:46.000 Wow.

01:27:46.000 And now I'm working with him.

01:27:48.000 We're doing a show together.

01:27:49.000 We're both on the bill.

01:27:50.000 It's like people are coming to see him and they're coming to see me.

01:27:53.000 Like, what?

01:27:53.000 Yeah.

01:27:54.000 That's great.

01:27:55.000 But that's not like...

01:27:56.000 He became a friend.

01:27:58.000 He became normal after a while.

01:28:01.000 But I never got to see, like, my real...

01:28:03.000 I got to see a few of my real influences live.

01:28:05.000 I saw Hicks live.

01:28:07.000 I saw him live, like, four or five times.

01:28:09.000 How was that?

01:28:10.000 It was pretty wild.

01:28:11.000 I saw him live when no one knew who he was.

01:28:13.000 And here's an interesting thing for comedy historians.

01:28:16.000 When Hicks...

01:28:17.000 When I first saw him, he was very similar to Sam Kinison.

01:28:22.000 To the point where it was like he was stealing his essence, I would say.

01:28:26.000 Right.

01:28:26.000 You know, like you...

01:28:26.000 You know, the Steve Thorne thing.

01:28:29.000 But that's a good way of describing it.

01:28:31.000 When I first saw him, he was making Kinnison-like noises and doing sounds in between bits, like the bit didn't go so well, and he'd do this Kinnison-like thing.

01:28:39.000 I was like, wow, this guy connected to Kinnison's thing.

01:28:43.000 And it makes sense, because he was one of the guys that opened with Kinnison and followed him around the road.

01:28:47.000 But he got out of that quickly.

01:28:49.000 We all are influenced by other guys.

01:28:51.000 I know you had an Anthony Clark period.

01:28:53.000 I had a Richard Jenny period.

01:28:55.000 Where I stopped myself on stage and I realized I sounded like my cadence and everything was Richard Jennings.

01:29:01.000 I was a big Richard Jennings fan.

01:29:02.000 I was like, I gotta stop myself.

01:29:05.000 But a lot of people don't know that Hicks had that with Kinnison.

01:29:08.000 Everybody thinks it's Hicks, especially because he's dead, of this god who's an amazing comedian and very influential and very unique.

01:29:16.000 But all of us have this weird thing where we want to be like someone we admire and sometimes it sounds like it on stage.

01:29:24.000 But he stopped that after a while.

01:29:26.000 I saw him once and he had it like that and then I saw him again just like six months later and he didn't do any of that. 0.99

01:29:33.000 And he had a bunch of new shit. 0.84

01:29:35.000 I saw him do a headliner set At the Comedy Connection and then a headliner set literally like six months later and it was a totally new hour. 0.99

01:29:41.000 Right.

01:29:41.000 And I was like, wow!

01:29:42.000 He just, he figured it out, right?

01:29:44.000 There's that moment we all have where it's like you just, something clicks.

01:29:47.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:29:47.000 And you finally realize, alright, this is what I need to do or this is my voice or my truth or whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

01:29:52.000 He, when you think about it, for a guy who's only, I believe when he died he was only 32 years old. 0.93

01:29:57.000 His ideas and philosophies and the validity of his opinions were so advanced for a person of that age.

01:30:06.000 Because really, most 25-year-old guys...

01:30:08.000 He was 25 when he was doing a lot of his act, right?

01:30:10.000 Most 25-year-old guys... 1.00

01:30:11.000 You better shut the fuck up if you want to tell me how the world's running. 1.00

01:30:14.000 Just stop. 1.00

01:30:14.000 You don't know. 1.00

01:30:15.000 And don't give me any nutty fucking 9-11 conspiracy website bullshit. 1.00

01:30:20.000 You're fucking... 1.00

01:30:21.000 What are you, 24, dude? 1.00

01:30:22.000 Really?

01:30:22.000 Just don't tell me how to run the world.

01:30:25.000 Just let's...

01:30:26.000 Grow a little.

01:30:27.000 Let's get some life experience.

01:30:28.000 Then give it to me from the perspective of someone who's actually seen something.

01:30:32.000 But he was advanced.

01:30:34.000 25, 26, 27, really relevant points and really good material.

01:30:39.000 There's no bad period.

01:30:41.000 When you look at his material, there was no period where it was bad.

01:30:45.000 It got better and better and better.

01:30:46.000 I think one thing that he really latched onto, and maybe it was after going through the...

01:30:51.000 The Kinison influence was like, and I appreciated, was like this release of whatever emotion it seemed was going through him, he just allowed it to come out, even if it was mid other story or idea.

01:31:05.000 And I would just watch that and I remember thinking that was like empowering.

01:31:09.000 I was like, wow, this is a place where you can go up and you can fucking ring shit out and And people, you know, with a joke, I think it's like a good song. 0.96

01:31:16.000 Sometimes you don't know the lyrics to a song. 0.99

01:31:18.000 You just love the fucking song. 0.99

01:31:19.000 You realize years later, like, I don't even know what they're saying here, but it doesn't matter. 0.99

01:31:23.000 And I think with some comedians, it's like, it's not even so much about what they're saying as how they're expressing something emotionally behind that.

01:31:31.000 Those are the guys that I always watch.

01:31:33.000 I mean, Carlin, of course, Pryor.

01:31:35.000 It was like there was truth mixed with just humor, just random ideas.

01:31:39.000 You know what I got to see, too?

01:31:41.000 I got to see Kinison.

01:31:43.000 Become Not So Good.

01:31:44.000 That was a fascinating thing.

01:31:46.000 Kenison, who was the guy, remember I told you that chick doing that thing in the parking lot? 1.00

01:31:50.000 That's what got me into comedy.

01:31:52.000 I mean, literally, that was the bug.

01:31:53.000 That planted it.

01:31:54.000 I got to see him perform live after he had gotten really famous and really successful.

01:31:59.000 And he would come on stage with the two girls and the whole thing.

01:32:01.000 And it was like, I didn't laugh.

01:32:02.000 Yeah.

01:32:03.000 He stopped being funny.

01:32:04.000 He became like this caricature of this guy.

01:32:06.000 You listen to Louder Than Hell, his first CD or whatever it was, you listen to that still today, and it's brilliant.

01:32:12.000 It's really good still.

01:32:14.000 But if you go and you look at the stuff that he did right before he died, it's not good at all.

01:32:19.000 Yeah, well, he got caught up in that MTV wild thing.

01:32:23.000 You're right.

01:32:23.000 It was like the trench coat became an outfit.

01:32:26.000 Yeah, it was like a costume.

01:32:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:28.000 Well, Dice, for a while, kind of had the same thing going on, too, where he became the Diceman.

01:32:32.000 You know, the Diceman was a character that he used to do on stage.

01:32:36.000 Right.

01:32:36.000 And he used to do these John Travolta impressions.

01:32:38.000 Yeah, on the Young Comedians special.

01:32:39.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:32:39.000 That's where I really thought he was really at his strongest.

01:32:42.000 He was a fucking brilliant impressionist. 0.98

01:32:44.000 Likeable, charismatic. 0.99

01:32:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:32:45.000 I mean, when Dice burst onto the scene, I mean, I think I was right out of high school.

01:32:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:32:49.000 And I remember thinking it was the funniest shit I'd ever heard in my life. 0.98

01:32:53.000 And then hanging out with that guy at the Comedy Store years and years later, he's like a normal guy. 0.98

01:32:58.000 But now he is the Diceman full-time.

01:33:01.000 It was a character, and now he's got this leather jacket on and gloves on.

01:33:04.000 It's full-time now.

01:33:05.000 I have a theory that it's like, when you're a character, not just a character, but like, look at any sitcoms or any fucking, throughout history, if you play a character, especially with a weird name, like if you're like a potsy or like... 0.85

01:33:18.000 Al Bundy! 0.74

01:33:18.000 Right? 0.74

01:33:19.000 You like, you, but then you become, okay, I need to keep that hairdo, I need to be recognized from that era.

01:33:26.000 And you play into it, and I think...

01:33:28.000 That's frustrating when you see that, but it's why I never wanted to be a character, man.

01:33:32.000 I was like, I'd rather change and not be as funny, but still have certain fans.

01:33:36.000 And I've had this happen.

01:33:37.000 I've had fans go, dude, I like your stuff back when I first...

01:33:40.000 I know, but I was a kid. 0.99

01:33:41.000 I was talking about kid shit. 1.00

01:33:42.000 I was still new. 0.99

01:33:43.000 It's like, if I didn't change, you would not fucking hang out and care at all what I was doing. 0.82

01:33:49.000 Well, there's people that are going to like you at one stage of your career and not at another, and that's okay because that's where they are. 0.91

01:33:53.000 They are where you were at that stage of your career.

01:33:56.000 Exactly.

01:33:56.000 It's alright.

01:33:57.000 You know, whatever.

01:33:58.000 Sorry.

01:33:58.000 I love that.

01:33:59.000 Sorry I lost you.

01:33:59.000 I got some new people along the way.

01:34:01.000 I lost a few.

01:34:01.000 I got a few stragglers.

01:34:02.000 That becomes what you crave, I really believe, because at first you just want to, you know, I've got to keep my fans.

01:34:08.000 I've got to hold on to them.

01:34:09.000 I've got to make them happy.

01:34:10.000 And when you let go of that and you realize somebody's going to check out for a while, and then I had a guy Write me an email and he goes, dude, listen, I jumped on the hate train or whatever.

01:34:19.000 I didn't like you. 0.97

01:34:20.000 I listened to Isolated Incident, heard you talking about your folks, talking about shit that I've experienced. 0.99

01:34:24.000 I'm back in, man. 0.99

01:34:25.000 I'm hanging out.

01:34:26.000 I'm digging it.

01:34:31.000 But that's cool, man.

01:34:32.000 That's like people that can check in and out.

01:34:34.000 I respect that.

01:34:35.000 I do the same thing with music.

01:34:36.000 I don't always like what somebody's putting out, but I'll always listen in.

01:34:39.000 Chris Cornell is a perfect example of that.

01:34:41.000 Exactly, man.

01:34:42.000 He was doing Soundgarden, then he was doing Dog Shit, and now he's doing Soundgarden again.

01:34:45.000 It's awesome. 0.93

01:34:46.000 I'm still here.

01:34:47.000 I bought that other stuff.

01:34:49.000 I just wasn't into it.

01:34:50.000 But go ahead.

01:34:51.000 Take your chances. 0.99

01:34:52.000 Who the fuck knows what makes the connection? 0.99

01:34:54.000 If you don't take that chance, as soon as you start thinking... 0.99

01:34:57.000 About like, wow, I have to do what they want. 1.00

01:34:59.000 Then you're fucked. 0.99

01:35:00.000 Because then you don't even know what you're doing. 1.00

01:35:01.000 It has to be what you, what's inside of you.

01:35:04.000 But that's how many guys, you guys see this, it's like, that's why when people, new comics come to you out here and they're like, what do I need to do? 0.98

01:35:10.000 I'm like, get the fuck out of here. 0.66

01:35:12.000 You shouldn't come up here because you're going to be like packaged and immediately like there's a stigma on you. 1.00

01:35:19.000 Leave. 0.99

01:35:19.000 Well, there were so many guys at the Laugh Factory that became you. 0.99

01:35:23.000 When you became famous, when it was starting to happen, even when you were packing Dublins all the time, I noticed so many guys that were doing you on stage. 0.98

01:35:33.000 I was like, wow, this is fucking crazy.

01:35:36.000 It's like, here's these guys that have noticed something that's working, and they're just jumping on it. 0.96

01:35:40.000 That's a fascinating thing to see, like a whole new wave.

01:35:44.000 There's a wave of guys that came out of the Laugh Factory, Joe Coy.

01:35:47.000 That sound just like you.

01:35:48.000 And Mitch Hedberg and Stan Hopes.

01:35:51.000 There's all these clones of clones of clones of clones of clones.

01:35:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:35:53.000 Well, a lot of Mitch Hedberg guys, right?

01:35:54.000 Yeah.

01:35:54.000 There's a lot of guys that had that.

01:35:55.000 Oh, my God.

01:35:56.000 And guys that were pretty good.

01:35:58.000 Good comics.

01:35:58.000 But they're like, dude, you've got to stop doing that.

01:36:01.000 Yeah, I know you're good.

01:36:02.000 You have some good jokes.

01:36:03.000 But stop doing that.

01:36:04.000 I'm the cerebral.

01:36:05.000 It's not just the cerebral.

01:36:06.000 It's like, yeah, that.

01:36:08.000 Yeah.

01:36:09.000 It's like, dude, you're doing Mitch Hedberg.

01:36:11.000 I'll tell you, man. 0.99

01:36:12.000 It was fascinating to, okay, when it happened, and it was like, fuck, I'm famous. 0.99

01:36:18.000 I'm known. 0.99

01:36:19.000 People are talking about me when I'm not trying to fucking get something going. 0.91

01:36:22.000 And the DJs, like, that was really, they were setting this tempo. 0.88

01:36:25.000 And then there were guys that you see come out, and it's a little flattering and weird when you're like, oh, this guy's kind of like me.

01:36:31.000 And it makes you not want to watch comedy because you're a little freaked out by it. 0.96

01:36:35.000 But then you know that, alright, a couple years down the line, as guys start getting frustrated, those same guys are the ones who would come out of the woodwork and say, oh no, Dane fucking took from me. 1.00

01:36:45.000 I was doing that shit. 1.00

01:36:46.000 That is true. 0.99

01:36:47.000 That will happen.

01:36:48.000 And guys will forget that they stole it from you.

01:36:50.000 Right.

01:36:51.000 That does happen.

01:36:51.000 They'll forget that they got the idea to behave that way from you, and they'll decide in their head somehow that they were doing it first.

01:36:57.000 I've had guys that do that.

01:36:58.000 But you know it's like you just nailed it. 0.99

01:37:00.000 It's like you You take that, you have a voice, you have certain people that you want to emulate, and then you figure out your shit and you grow out of it. 0.96

01:37:08.000 And I'm as kind of understanding and cool about that because I've been up, down, up, down, and it's like... 0.73

01:37:12.000 But in the beginning, though, you don't feel that way.

01:37:15.000 In the beginning, you feel like someone's stealing from you and you have to put a stop to it.

01:37:19.000 Because when you're not famous and you're struggling and you're coming up and...

01:37:23.000 And you're just starting to do well, and then you see somebody start ganking off you, and you're like, hey, hey, hey, I created all this success out of hard work, and you're just kind of emulating it.

01:37:31.000 You better stop doing that.

01:37:32.000 You're doing what you saw be successful.

01:37:35.000 You're doing a version of me.

01:37:37.000 That's tricky, man.

01:37:38.000 That's a tricky thing.

01:37:39.000 It's a tricky thing, because it just feels like someone...

01:37:41.000 I mean, really, you've got to let them do it.

01:37:43.000 Look, if you become successful, just through the merit of your own work, it's going to be really clear who's...

01:37:48.000 Who's copying?

01:37:49.000 Who's imitating who?

01:37:50.000 But it just doesn't feel like that in the beginning.

01:37:52.000 In the beginning, when you don't have money and you're not...

01:37:54.000 If someone's doing me now, I'm like, look at this guy.

01:37:56.000 Why are you doing that?

01:37:57.000 Well, I guess that's what happens. 0.93

01:37:59.000 And it's kind of fucking flattering, even though it's still... 0.96

01:38:02.000 But you figure they would be done with it. 0.89

01:38:04.000 I mean, I was doing it when I was an open-miker.

01:38:06.000 I was doing it when I was a year in or two years in.

01:38:09.000 I would hear myself sound like somebody else.

01:38:11.000 But when someone's doing it and that's their act on Comedy Central, you're like, okay, man...

01:38:15.000 You took this too far.

01:38:16.000 You have to do your own thing.

01:38:18.000 You have to have your own delivery.

01:38:20.000 Yes.

01:38:20.000 And you know what?

01:38:21.000 It's funny because the first time in my life I ever ran in, that was with you.

01:38:25.000 It was like 1998, and Joe called me up. 0.91

01:38:28.000 I remember I was still living in that shitty apartment, and you're like, dude, there's a fucking bit that you're doing, and it's like my closing bit. 0.88

01:38:35.000 I remember I was so fucked up by that, not only because I had a lot of respect for Joe, but it was like... 0.96

01:38:40.000 I don't ever want to be one of those guys that gets put in that position. 0.91

01:38:44.000 And I remember feeling like that was a defining moment for me because it was like I need to talk even more about maybe not nostalgic things or things that are outward that I see but things that are from me, that happen to me.

01:38:57.000 It's hard though because especially if you're influenced by someone else and your bit is influenced by their bit and even though you know it is, you know you shouldn't probably do it because everyone thinks that you kind of stole it.

01:39:08.000 But it kills you. 0.99

01:39:09.000 And that's the problem when it fucking crushes. 1.00

01:39:12.000 And it's all you have in life. 0.99

01:39:13.000 And it's such a good bit. 0.98

01:39:14.000 It's just you know you could go up there with this one and just fucking slam it in.

01:39:18.000 But really, ethically, it's almost like you have to find out what's good about that and cut it out and try to add it to something that you create.

01:39:25.000 Yeah.

01:39:25.000 You can be influenced by something, and you're not even aware of it.

01:39:31.000 You ever see where a lot of guys work together?

01:39:34.000 We saw that at the comedy store a lot, where guys would work together, and guys would riff in the back parking lot, and then they would go on stage, and it was like a battle over, whose bit is this?

01:39:43.000 Whose bit is this? 0.96

01:39:45.000 Stan Hope had this fucking guy that was opening for him. 1.00

01:39:48.000 This guy was a douche. 1.00

01:39:49.000 And he would go on stage, and whenever they would fucking riff, Stan Hope would say a bunch of cool shit, and this guy would go on stage and do Stan Hope's cool shit. 1.00

01:39:59.000 It's just like, fuck, man. 1.00

01:40:00.000 Now I can't riff in front of you? 1.00

01:40:02.000 I can't just fuck around and come up with it? 0.98

01:40:03.000 But then, when you're still doing it together, and then you've got to figure out, well, whose is this? 0.99

01:40:09.000 What's going on here?

01:40:10.000 Or somebody like, You'll have an idea, an original premise, and someone will add a tag to it and then take your whole fucking thing and jump on stage because they added a tag. 0.91

01:40:18.000 Like, no, I just came up with that. 0.60

01:40:20.000 To this day, like Bobby and Al, because I've known Al since I was a kid, 13 years old, Bobby since I started, Robert Kelly.

01:40:28.000 And us three, definitely.

01:40:29.000 I can hear it all the time.

01:40:30.000 Bobby does certain things.

01:40:31.000 I'm like, oh, that sounds like me.

01:40:33.000 Or all three of us.

01:40:35.000 Because we started. 0.99

01:40:35.000 We spent so much fucking time together. 0.99

01:40:37.000 We formed our kind of comic cadences and all the tricks that you learned. 0.99

01:40:42.000 That those are the two guys that I can still watch and be like, oh, that's how we influenced each other.

01:40:45.000 I have one friend.

01:40:46.000 When I come up with an idea, I have to walk away.

01:40:49.000 I walk away, and I say it in my head, and I write it down.

01:40:51.000 But I don't say it in front of them, because if I say it in front of them, I'm pretty sure that it's eventually going to go on stage.

01:40:56.000 Oh my god.

01:40:57.000 So I have to go away. 0.98

01:40:58.000 I fucking really do that. 0.93

01:41:00.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:41:00.000 Yeah, and the worst is the one friend that you have an idea, and you start saying the idea, and they try to top it, and they start talking over you. 0.96

01:41:08.000 You're like, no, no, no, no, no.

01:41:09.000 This is delicate.

01:41:09.000 It's coming out of nowhere.

01:41:10.000 It's coming out of outer space.

01:41:12.000 Let me say it. 0.99

01:41:12.000 Could you fucking imagine... 0.99

01:41:14.000 If... 0.99

01:41:15.000 Imagine if Oprah decided that she was tired of all this... 1.00

01:41:19.000 Yeah, maybe she would just... 1.00

01:41:20.000 Stop, stop, stop!

01:41:21.000 Stop talking!

01:41:22.000 If you talk right now, you're gonna... 0.71

01:41:23.000 I'm gonna miss...

01:41:24.000 I'm getting a gift right now from the universe.

01:41:26.000 It's like ideas, like crazy ideas sometimes will come to you, like fully formed. 0.95

01:41:30.000 But if you start talking and explaining it to other people, and then someone jams in with their own shit, it's like, oh, it's lost now. 0.96

01:41:36.000 Yes. 0.93

01:41:37.000 Or if they start trying to get to what you're getting to, because they kind of get a sense of it.

01:41:41.000 Or wrong.

01:41:42.000 Territorial pissings are wrong.

01:41:44.000 Or wrong.

01:41:44.000 And you're like, no, that's not what I'm saying at all.

01:41:46.000 And then like, fuck. 1.00

01:41:47.000 I've lost all my momentum now. 1.00

01:41:48.000 Communication's dead.

01:41:49.000 We should all text each other.

01:41:51.000 Oh, you're waiting that whole time for that, Chris?

01:41:53.000 Brian, you're out of your mind.

01:41:54.000 Chris?

01:41:54.000 You just called me Chris again.

01:41:55.000 Chris is your name from now on, dude.

01:41:57.000 Why do you think I'm Chris?

01:41:58.000 The internet's going to call you Chris.

01:41:59.000 You look like a Chris.

01:42:00.000 Is that MC Chris?

01:42:00.000 He, Brian, at the beginning of the show, Dane showed up and Dane goes, hey, Chris.

01:42:06.000 And Brian was like, I'm not Chris!

01:42:08.000 Why don't you call me Chris?

01:42:09.000 You always call me Chris!

01:42:10.000 I've been calling him Chris for like months.

01:42:12.000 Very upset.

01:42:12.000 And I told him, when you meet as many people as certain people do, you literally lose your space in your memory bank for people's names.

01:42:20.000 Now you're Chris. 1.00

01:42:20.000 If I don't see you for a month, your fucking shit is gone from my brain. 1.00

01:42:23.000 You're that guy. 1.00

01:42:24.000 Hey, what's up?

01:42:25.000 We could have hung out, smoked a joint, went to a movie. 0.98

01:42:27.000 I don't fucking remember you, dude. 0.98

01:42:29.000 There's too many people in my head. 0.99

01:42:30.000 But they remember everything.

01:42:31.000 Do you remember, Joe?

01:42:32.000 We met and we hung up.

01:42:34.000 It was the Galaxy Theater.

01:42:35.000 And we all stood on the curb. 0.95

01:42:37.000 And you're like, I don't fucking remember where this was. 0.99

01:42:39.000 I have a friend who's famous who likes to fuck a bunch of different girls. 1.00

01:42:42.000 And his whole... 1.00

01:42:44.000 I mean, he's a complete pussy addict. 1.00

01:42:46.000 And he doesn't think it's a big deal and these girls aren't going to be attached to him. 1.00

01:42:49.000 I'm like, do you not understand?

01:42:51.000 I go, you're in movies and people love you and they see you all the time and they're attracted to you and you're meeting all these people, millions and millions of them, and it's not a big deal to you, but to them.

01:43:04.000 It's like... 1.00

01:43:06.000 Like, oh my god, this is a guy who's in some big fucking giant movie and his penis is inside my vagina. 1.00

01:43:12.000 To them, it's like the greatest moment ever and you forgot her name already. 1.00

01:43:15.000 Right.

01:43:15.000 It's literally one of the top three things that they'll ever fucking want to talk about with their close friends.

01:43:21.000 Yeah, I try to tell this dude, the reason why these girls go crazy is because they think you're in love with them. 0.99

01:43:25.000 They think, you know, this is going to be like a love affair now, and you're just moving on to the next chick, and, you know, you've got to be careful of that, right?

01:43:31.000 Oh, yeah.

01:43:33.000 You're single?

01:43:34.000 I am.

01:43:35.000 No, I was with a chick for about five years, and about eight months single. 0.79

01:43:39.000 So she was there for the big ride?

01:43:41.000 For most of it, yeah.

01:43:42.000 Wow.

01:43:43.000 Yeah.

01:43:44.000 What finally just drove the nail?

01:43:47.000 Everything?

01:43:48.000 A lot, man.

01:43:49.000 Did you see in the business?

01:43:50.000 You know what it was? 1.00

01:43:51.000 Yes, but I went through a lot of shit, man. 0.99

01:43:53.000 My folks and then into my brother. 1.00

01:43:55.000 You've had the roughest four or five years ever, man.

01:43:57.000 I'm surprised you're even functioning.

01:44:00.000 Sometimes I am too, man. 0.99

01:44:01.000 I lived to perform because my folks were just the coolest fucking people. 0.98

01:44:09.000 But they got to see everything. 0.98

01:44:10.000 That's what I've come to at the end of all the Talking about it and figuring it out.

01:44:15.000 They got to see everything I wanted.

01:44:16.000 Do you find it's hard to date chicks in the business? 1.00

01:44:20.000 Right now I'm just having fun, so I'm just kind of like doing whatever.

01:44:23.000 But I would not want to settle down with a headshot, no.

01:44:25.000 That's it.

01:44:26.000 I have a no headshots policy.

01:44:28.000 Seven year period.

01:44:30.000 That's it.

01:44:30.000 No headshot policy.

01:44:31.000 After seven years, you haven't had a headshot in seven years?

01:44:34.000 Okay, you're good.

01:44:34.000 You're clear.

01:44:35.000 You're clear.

01:44:36.000 You've escaped the spell. 1.00

01:44:37.000 But there's Real Housewives of Calabasas, all these crazy bitches out here. 1.00

01:44:41.000 They all wanted to be actresses. 1.00

01:44:42.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:44:43.000 I know I'm fucked up, but I've figured out how to deal with my fucked up and make it work and be a fairly healthy human being. 0.99

01:44:50.000 But I know that other people that are fucked up, the odds are we're going to be able to talk and hang out and be cool with each other and make this work out and both be balanced. 0.99

01:44:57.000 It's very hard. 0.99

01:44:58.000 The odds are very, very small that you're going to have your shit together and we're going to have a healthy relationship. 0.99

01:45:03.000 Right. 0.99

01:45:03.000 It's just like too many times over and over and again. 0.99

01:45:06.000 You just deal with all these crazy people and all this psychosis involved in that.

01:45:11.000 The auditioning process breaks people's souls. 0.98

01:45:14.000 Because getting this movie or getting this television show or anything they're auditioning for could be the biggest fucking moment in their life. 0.83

01:45:20.000 And they're freaking out, and they're pacing around the waiting room, and you get to see them go over their lines. 0.96

01:45:25.000 I read for a sitcom six months ago.

01:45:28.000 I got nervous being in the room with all these people that were nervous. 0.99

01:45:31.000 I was like, I just want to get the fuck out of here. 0.74

01:45:34.000 This is a terrible feeling.

01:45:36.000 I've got money. 0.99

01:45:37.000 I don't have to worry about shit. 0.99

01:45:38.000 This just seems like a fun job. 0.99

01:45:40.000 I'm looking at all these people. 0.99

01:45:41.000 This is their big fucking thing, their big break. 0.99

01:45:43.000 And they're doing that every day, over and over again, getting rejected, getting rejected. 1.00

01:45:47.000 Needing that love.

01:45:48.000 Getting rejected.

01:45:49.000 Needing that love.

01:45:50.000 Getting rejected.

01:45:51.000 So close.

01:45:51.000 But nope.

01:45:52.000 Final three.

01:45:53.000 No.

01:45:54.000 And they're doing this for years and years.

01:45:56.000 And this is already a person who's psychologically unbalanced.

01:45:58.000 Already a person who the reason why they want to be a performer in the first place is they want to be loved because they weren't loved as a child.

01:46:06.000 So there's this incredible, horrible imbalance.

01:46:08.000 And they just can't quite connect.

01:46:11.000 And then you start dating them, and it's like, look, man, you're not on a comfortable road.

01:46:16.000 This isn't going to be smooth and relaxed and everyone's carefree.

01:46:19.000 This is going to be constant psychosis.

01:46:21.000 Do you think I'm good?

01:46:22.000 Do you think I'm fat?

01:46:23.000 Is this good? 0.98

01:46:23.000 What, am I a loser? 0.98

01:46:25.000 Will you read lines with me? 1.00

01:46:27.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:46:27.000 All our friends are like that, though. 1.00

01:46:29.000 Yeah, but I'm not dating our friends. 0.99

01:46:31.000 Yeah, but they still have that same kind of fucking... 0.99

01:46:36.000 Yeah, but they have success as comics. 0.99

01:46:40.000 That's the difference.

01:46:40.000 Guys like Joey and Ari, yeah, they're going to auditions all the time, but they're also killing it on stage all the time.

01:46:47.000 They're doing comedy all the time.

01:46:49.000 And Joey's always getting acting gigs here and there.

01:46:52.000 And Ari's always getting commercials here and there. 1.00

01:46:55.000 So Ari's doing well.

01:46:57.000 It's the people that are not making the connection.

01:47:00.000 And girls, too.

01:47:01.000 If you're a girl, man, it's a natural feeling, I think, for a girl to want some sort of male companionship and protection.

01:47:08.000 For a woman to be by herself, comes here from Omaha, Nebraska or something, she's going to be incredibly insecure, like a cork in the middle of the ocean, by herself anyway. 0.99

01:47:16.000 Doesn't have any friends, committed to this acting thing, and then just rejection, rejection, rejection.

01:47:21.000 And then it's their whole childhood thing that dragged them there in the first place.

01:47:24.000 Then you come along and you're like, hey, would you like to go see a movie? 0.99

01:47:26.000 You don't even know what the fuck you're getting into. 1.00

01:47:28.000 You're just opening up the door to hell. 1.00

01:47:30.000 My ex was one of the classic cases of everything that I didn't know until after the breakup.

01:47:36.000 Everything she always said she hated, she became. 0.95

01:47:39.000 Like, literally every fucking facet. 1.00

01:47:42.000 That's why they hate. 0.99

01:47:44.000 What they hate, actually, is what they're afraid of in themselves.

01:47:46.000 Right?

01:47:49.000 But it's tough because then people go, you know what?

01:47:51.000 People that are further along in this industry, when I'm always like, what's your gem?

01:47:55.000 What can I learn from you?

01:47:57.000 And they go, yeah, you don't want to be with a girl who's in the industry. 0.99

01:47:59.000 But then you're like, if somebody who isn't, how do they really fucking understand the bullshit that I then have to deal with? 0.99

01:48:05.000 So what's that middle ground? 0.99

01:48:06.000 Who's that girl in the middle? 1.00

01:48:07.000 Well, you can find girls in the business that are really cool. 0.99

01:48:11.000 It's just really rare.

01:48:13.000 There's a lot of them that are just really normal.

01:48:15.000 They just like acting.

01:48:16.000 I am kind of dating a girl now, but after what I've been through, you're kind of more trepidatious because you're like, all right, if that's going to build up for that one.

01:48:21.000 I like how you threw that in there.

01:48:22.000 Trepidatious is a very rare word.

01:48:24.000 Thank you.

01:48:24.000 Trepidatious.

01:48:25.000 That was strong.

01:48:26.000 That was a strong move.

01:48:27.000 Charlie Murphy.

01:48:27.000 There's a lot of people who do think that you can't find someone in the business, but you can.

01:48:34.000 It's just rare.

01:48:35.000 You can't rule it out, but as a rule, if you're going to have an ethic, it should be a no headshots policy.

01:48:40.000 Find some normal chick. 0.99

01:48:41.000 I have a head and butt shot policy. 0.93

01:48:47.000 I like the way he threw the little gulp in the middle.

01:48:50.000 That's Brian.

01:48:51.000 He's always got to do something like that.

01:48:53.000 Just to make you go, Brian, Chris.

01:48:57.000 So now that you've done, how many specials?

01:49:04.000 Four CDs, a couple of specials.

01:49:07.000 When you do it now, do you give yourself a specific amount of time?

01:49:10.000 Do you do a special and then say, alright, now I start fresh with all new material and within X amount of months I do a new one?

01:49:17.000 This is probably the first time in a while that I'm not putting a time limit on it.

01:49:20.000 I mean, I used to.

01:49:22.000 It was like every other year and then you're preparing during...

01:49:27.000 I'm doing it for the first time in a while, really just enjoying it.

01:49:31.000 It's not a machine. 0.96

01:49:32.000 It's not like I gotta fucking top. 0.94

01:49:35.000 It's like, I'm okay now. 0.93

01:49:37.000 I'm in a good spot.

01:49:38.000 My fans are happy.

01:49:40.000 I'm happy.

01:49:41.000 I'm balanced after some crazy years.

01:49:45.000 I'm just trying to enjoy it, man.

01:49:48.000 That's the thing, you guys.

01:49:50.000 I had this moment where I had a good year when I hit where I'm like...

01:49:54.000 This is dream come true time.

01:49:56.000 And I really did enjoy it.

01:49:57.000 And then I took care of my family.

01:49:59.000 And I had money.

01:50:00.000 And then a lot of stuff happened.

01:50:02.000 A lot of stuff happened.

01:50:04.000 Whether it was internal from comedians.

01:50:07.000 Or whether it was my folks being sick. 0.99

01:50:09.000 Dog shitting everywhere. 1.00

01:50:10.000 Yeah, dog shitting and getting evicted. 0.99

01:50:12.000 It was like I didn't have time to just be a regular... 0.94

01:50:15.000 Like, person, in process, everything.

01:50:18.000 And so that's what I've really done the last, well, year. 0.70

01:50:21.000 Do you find that, I find that it drives me really crazy when I come up with a bit and then I put it on a special and then right after I fucking film it, I have a way better tagline. 0.86

01:50:30.000 It drives me nuts.

01:50:31.000 And then I'm like, I let this go too quick.

01:50:34.000 I should have worked on this.

01:50:34.000 Like, part of the process of developing material is you've got to do a bit over and over and over again until you find the rhythm of it.

01:50:40.000 Until you find, you know, the natural order of the words.

01:50:43.000 And it's never done.

01:50:44.000 No, it's never done, man.

01:50:47.000 That's one of the great things about those guys in Boston, the untold story of why they were so good.

01:50:51.000 Those guys had the same act forever.

01:50:53.000 A lot of those guys, unfortunately, kept the same act for years and years and years, and people actually grew to expect it.

01:50:59.000 They would go see Steve Sweeney, who was fucking brilliant, but it was the same brilliant 20 minutes that you had seen seven years ago. 0.85

01:51:06.000 And they had it down. 1.00

01:51:08.000 And they had their act, and it was a fucking machete. 1.00

01:51:11.000 And it would just slice through the crowd. 0.99

01:51:13.000 Like Terminators?

01:51:15.000 Yeah, the timing was just perfect.

01:51:18.000 The timing was just deadly.

01:51:20.000 There were so many of those guys then, too.

01:51:22.000 Yeah.

01:51:23.000 Yeah, if you come out with a bit and you don't really develop it enough, maybe you didn't quite get it out the perfect way. 0.99

01:51:31.000 People love new shit. 0.98

01:51:33.000 That's more important to them than anything. 0.99

01:51:35.000 But you want to make sure it's done.

01:51:38.000 You want to make sure it's really done.

01:51:39.000 I kind of was like, a few years back, I fell into this routine of like, you know, maybe it's never done, and maybe it's always kind of evolving in something else, and that's okay.

01:51:48.000 Maybe it's just, again, more about who I am.

01:51:51.000 Because I loved guys like even Johnny Carson growing up. 0.60

01:51:53.000 I didn't know what the fuck Johnny was talking about half the time when I was a kid, but it was like this idea of, oh, you're attracted to this person. 0.60

01:52:00.000 And there's something glamorous about stand-up where you can't go anywhere else, except for maybe what we're doing here today, without somebody impeding on it. 0.97

01:52:09.000 And like editing it or some standards and practice.

01:52:12.000 There's always somebody fucking with you except comedy is glamorous because you can say whatever it is that you want to say. 0.60

01:52:17.000 And that's one of the things that I love about this podcast too. 0.98

01:52:19.000 This is so, look how easy this is. 0.99

01:52:22.000 We just have a couch and a webcam and a fucking table and a laptop. 0.99

01:52:26.000 That's it. 0.99

01:52:27.000 That's all it takes. 1.00

01:52:28.000 And a flashlight that you can fuck. 1.00

01:52:30.000 And a flashlight that you can fuck. 1.00

01:52:31.000 And some microphones. 0.99

01:52:32.000 And no one can tell you what to do.

01:52:34.000 And look, it's not polished.

01:52:36.000 We don't edit it. 1.00

01:52:37.000 We just fuck it. 1.00

01:52:38.000 It's just a conversation. 1.00

01:52:39.000 It's a conversation every week.

01:52:40.000 You might like it.

01:52:41.000 We hope you do. 0.98

01:52:42.000 But no one's fucking with it. 0.96

01:52:43.000 And it becomes itself. 0.98

01:52:45.000 Other people digging their fingers in it.

01:52:47.000 I'll take this over any, like any, even like whatever, reality TV, like everything's so processed and so fucking prepared that why can't something be a little ragtag and a little messy and real and maybe a little uncomfortable and really, you know, have an amazing moment. 0.64

01:53:02.000 Well, for you, I think this is very important because I think you're a very misunderstood guy and the ability to express yourself for long periods of time will get a chance for someone to see Your real personality as opposed to this projected image that they have of you.

01:53:15.000 I get that.

01:53:16.000 Yeah.

01:53:16.000 You know?

01:53:16.000 So this is like a great medium.

01:53:18.000 Because if you're doing like a fucking Tonight Show set or something like that, you're sitting on the couch, you're talking for seven minutes, to me it always feels like it's over. 0.94

01:53:23.000 That's it. 0.99

01:53:24.000 It's over.

01:53:24.000 It's like, I don't even know.

01:53:26.000 Who was I? Was I me?

01:53:27.000 Did I get it outright?

01:53:28.000 Right.

01:53:29.000 You know? 0.98

01:53:29.000 Did I just fucking force this to try to be funny? 0.98

01:53:31.000 I'm seven minutes. 0.98

01:53:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:32.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:53:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:34.000 This is a fantastic opportunity that we have today to do something like this.

01:53:38.000 This didn't exist for performers of other generations.

01:53:41.000 The ability to let people really know who we are, warts and all.

01:53:45.000 This is exactly who we are.

01:53:47.000 And seeing comics and however many entertainers like go from this to getting that fame or fan base or whatever it is without anybody in the middle of it.

01:53:56.000 Without managers and agents and It's pretty incredible, man.

01:54:00.000 Who's that kid, Bob Burnham?

01:54:01.000 What's his name?

01:54:02.000 Yeah, Bo.

01:54:02.000 Bo Burnham.

01:54:03.000 Bo Burnham.

01:54:04.000 He's like 18 or something, isn't he?

01:54:05.000 A really young kid.

01:54:06.000 Yeah, I had him open for me in New Hampshire.

01:54:08.000 He's killing him everywhere. 0.99

01:54:09.000 He did a bunch of shit on YouTube, and people loved his songs on YouTube, like comedic songs, and all of a sudden this kid is fucking packing places. 1.00

01:54:16.000 Right. 0.99

01:54:17.000 I mean, it's incredible, just because of the internet.

01:54:20.000 That kid that was on Ellen, that kid that sang that paparazzi song, the Lady Gaga song, was brilliant.

01:54:26.000 It was at like a school talent festival or something like that. 0.99

01:54:28.000 And this kid was fucking brilliant. 0.99

01:54:31.000 And now he's got a record deal. 0.98

01:54:33.000 It's amazing.

01:54:34.000 It's like you instantly can connect to people that just weren't available before you.

01:54:38.000 Before you had to go through magazines.

01:54:40.000 But let's be devil's advocate for a minute. 0.99

01:54:42.000 Because how fucking quickly is that kid fucked up now? 0.99

01:54:45.000 Oh, he's done, right? 0.99

01:54:46.000 Because there's no... 1.00

01:54:47.000 It's like he's out of that fucking plane. 1.00

01:54:50.000 No tandem jump for him. 1.00

01:54:51.000 No fucking let's do a thousand hours. 0.99

01:54:53.000 He's 11, right? 0.99

01:54:54.000 Isn't he 11 or something like that?

01:54:55.000 I think he's 11. That's the scary...

01:54:57.000 There will be a certain chew-em-up, spit-em-out process with some of these people that make it through there.

01:55:03.000 It's like people who win the lottery. 0.99

01:55:04.000 Most people who fucking play the lottery are like, you know, fucking got nothing. 0.99

01:55:09.000 And then you see that documentary on HBO. You see Lucky about these fucking people that hit the lottery. 1.00

01:55:13.000 They're... 1.00

01:55:14.000 Nowhere near prepared.

01:55:15.000 People who are already rich know how to have money. 0.99

01:55:17.000 People who have nothing and then get rich get fucking crazy. 1.00

01:55:21.000 Yeah, they get nuts. 0.99

01:55:23.000 When I got my first development deal, my manager thought I had a gambling problem.

01:55:26.000 Right.

01:55:27.000 And it was because I was buying lobster like every night.

01:55:29.000 I was just eating like a king.

01:55:31.000 That would be nice.

01:55:33.000 I got a fat check and I just went off like a rocket.

01:55:35.000 I was spending like 10 grand a month. 0.99

01:55:37.000 And he was like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:55:38.000 I'm like, I'm having fun, bitch. 1.00

01:55:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:55:41.000 The first money I ever had, and the dumbest thing I probably ever did, was I logged in.

01:55:45.000 Again, this is when the internet, like, 56k modem. 0.99

01:55:48.000 I logged into, like, a poker fucking website. 0.98

01:55:50.000 And I'm like, I'm going to play poker. 0.99

01:55:52.000 I'm pretty good at poker.

01:55:53.000 I lost five grand of my underwear in about six minutes.

01:55:57.000 Wow. 1.00

01:55:58.000 Literally in the middle of the fucking night. 0.99

01:55:59.000 I remember pushing my IBM ThinkPad away from me going, I can never do this again. 0.99

01:56:05.000 Wow.

01:56:05.000 Five grand like that.

01:56:07.000 Wow. 1.00

01:56:08.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:56:09.000 I love internet gambling. 1.00

01:56:11.000 I love the idea of it. 0.99

01:56:12.000 I'm scared that it's fucking rigged, though, man. 0.99

01:56:14.000 It's totally rigged. 0.99

01:56:15.000 It's totally rigged.

01:56:16.000 It's gotta be, Joe.

01:56:17.000 Come on, man.

01:56:18.000 I wonder, because you can play guys on Quake, and they'd be bots, and they would never miss.

01:56:22.000 They would just destroy you.

01:56:23.000 Like, literally, 100-0.

01:56:25.000 You would never come close to them.

01:56:26.000 They would know where you were at all times.

01:56:28.000 They'd know exactly the right weapon to use, because they weren't really playing.

01:56:30.000 It was just a computer simulation that was playing perfectly.

01:56:33.000 Right.

01:56:33.000 You've got to have that for poker.

01:56:34.000 These poker things, not only that, but who's to say somebody isn't playing and has a screen open of best odds on hands and anything else?

01:56:44.000 Or hackers that just haven't been caught that are sitting there like Call of Duty behind a wall and watching your hand.

01:56:50.000 Oh yeah, for sure. 0.99

01:56:51.000 I used to play chess online and I'm like, some fucking fag is going to have a chess fucking master thing opened up and he knows 10 moves ahead already. 1.00

01:56:59.000 Exactly. 0.99

01:56:59.000 You know what, though? 0.99

01:57:00.000 For chess, you shouldn't even care.

01:57:01.000 Let them cheat.

01:57:02.000 Go ahead.

01:57:02.000 It's only going to make you better.

01:57:04.000 When you're playing someone in chess, the key is to play tough, tough people.

01:57:07.000 The worst is Scrabble.

01:57:08.000 Everyone's addicted to Scrabble apps and Facebook Scrabble.

01:57:11.000 Really?

01:57:12.000 There's so many websites.

01:57:13.000 You just sit there and you type in what you have, what's been placed, and they'll tell you the best word.

01:57:18.000 You know, from the dictionary, it's 12 points.

01:57:21.000 So play Scrabble, play Old School.

01:57:22.000 Just a table and some people sitting around.

01:57:24.000 We live in a society where people feel victorious when they figure out the best way to cheat.

01:57:29.000 That's victory. 0.98

01:57:30.000 If I can figure out how to out-cheat you, I'm fucking great. 0.98

01:57:34.000 I'm more amazing than you at something. 0.99

01:57:36.000 It's fucking insane. 0.98

01:57:37.000 It's pretty interesting, but think about the Russian mom, how much money the Russian mom has made by cheating, made by getting people's credit cards, made by hacking things, made by doing that. 1.00

01:57:46.000 It's like when you realize the actual numbers involved, it's a branch of business.

01:57:53.000 I mean, it literally is a branch of business.

01:57:55.000 Duping.

01:57:56.000 Duping people is a branch of business. 0.99

01:57:57.000 Ripping people off, ripping off their websites, hacking into their shit, getting credit card numbers. 0.99

01:58:01.000 It's a branch of business. 1.00

01:58:02.000 I mean, it's like this is sophisticated shit. 0.99

01:58:05.000 You know, this is being sophisticated stuff being done on a high level. 0.99

01:58:07.000 Whenever you're going to have any sort of a situation like that where there's kind of an open door, you know, and there's programs, you can run programs in the background. 0.97

01:58:14.000 Think about how many goddamn viruses there are, you know? 1.00

01:58:16.000 I mean, viruses and keyloggers and just fuck, man. 1.00

01:58:20.000 And everything's going into the cloud, man. 1.00

01:58:23.000 Everything's going.

01:58:23.000 It's Skynet, dude.

01:58:25.000 It's happening.

01:58:26.000 Google is Skynet, right?

01:58:28.000 Google is... 1.00

01:58:29.000 I use it for fucking email. 1.00

01:58:31.000 I use the Chrome browser. 0.99

01:58:33.000 There's a whole bunch of websites dedicated to that, too.

01:58:36.000 Everything's...

01:58:37.000 That's kind of weird, man.

01:58:39.000 It's freaky.

01:58:40.000 When you think about, like, pretty soon, everything.

01:58:42.000 Access to everything.

01:58:44.000 All the time.

01:58:46.000 And computer power is exponentially increasing.

01:58:50.000 So the kind of programs, the kind of things that computers can do is going to change drastically over the next few years.

01:58:56.000 But I watched a thing on Dateline the other night.

01:58:58.000 It was about a woman who fell for the scam of like, you know, contact us. 0.98

01:59:03.000 There's a million dollars in a bank account.

01:59:05.000 So many people fell for that.

01:59:06.000 Yeah, and I couldn't believe it.

01:59:07.000 It's like this woman was like, oh, I'm $300,000 down because they keep writing me saying we need more money to get the money out.

01:59:14.000 Oh, my God.

01:59:15.000 And I get those all the time. 0.99

01:59:16.000 Dude, people are crazy.

01:59:17.000 You ever write them back?

01:59:18.000 Sometimes I'll write them back just for the hell of a chance to be like, I'm in!

01:59:20.000 A whole email folder that says scams. 1.00

01:59:22.000 And it's just conversations that I have with fucking Nigerian terrorists. 1.00

01:59:26.000 That's a book, dude. 1.00

01:59:27.000 You gotta post that shit, man. 1.00

01:59:28.000 It's fucking weird how many I get. 1.00

01:59:30.000 I get at least one a day. 0.99

01:59:33.000 At least one guy a day.

01:59:35.000 Good evening, sir.

01:59:36.000 I represent the Bank of Newcastle.

01:59:38.000 And we right now have...

01:59:41.000 They don't know your name, but they know Dear Sir or Ma'am.

01:59:44.000 If you could possibly help me, there's $3 million in cash here.

01:59:49.000 I'm looking for someone who can come up with a small deposit to get out the box.

01:59:54.000 A lot of people get fooled by those Nigerians, apparently.

01:59:58.000 A lot of people get fooled for those keys where you think it's Facebook and you type in your username and password.

02:00:03.000 Every day a new person on Facebook or something like that.

02:00:07.000 Fishing sites are big, man. 0.99

02:00:09.000 You know, look, people are fucking crafty. 0.97

02:00:11.000 You gave somebody my phone number, remember? 0.99

02:00:13.000 Some dude you thought was really Cliffy B? Oh, that's right.

02:00:15.000 Somebody tricked him.

02:00:17.000 I started getting phone calls. 1.00

02:00:19.000 I'm like, what the fuck, Brian? 1.00

02:00:20.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:00:20.000 I was like, I thought it was real Cliffy B. That was a good trick, too. 1.00

02:00:23.000 Well, it was not a good trick.

02:00:24.000 You really should have looked at the address.

02:00:26.000 Well, I mean, if it tricked me, you know it's a little bit better.

02:00:29.000 It was new.

02:00:30.000 It was on MySpace.

02:00:31.000 Somebody made a fake MySpace account.

02:00:33.000 You became a Cliffy B fanboy.

02:00:34.000 Copying everything.

02:00:35.000 You were a Cliffy B fanboy, and you didn't pay attention to the actual address.

02:00:39.000 Whatever.

02:00:40.000 He got you.

02:00:40.000 They cloned his website.

02:00:41.000 You got God!

02:00:42.000 You got God, man!

02:00:44.000 You got God, son.

02:00:45.000 At least I didn't Twitter my phone number.

02:00:47.000 I did Twitter my phone number, but I thought it was...

02:00:49.000 Last month.

02:00:49.000 Oh, you thought you were DMing someone?

02:00:51.000 DMed somebody, yeah. 1.00

02:00:52.000 Oh, God. 1.00

02:00:53.000 I fucked up. 1.00

02:00:53.000 But I kept it as a fan line. 1.00

02:00:55.000 It's fascinating.

02:00:55.000 I just turn it on in the middle of nowhere and start answering calls.

02:00:58.000 Joe Rogan fan line.

02:00:59.000 I just start talking to people. 0.99

02:01:00.000 Look at the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:01:01.000 That's why you gotta get sane out, man. 0.98

02:01:03.000 Yeah, it sounds like an awesome thing. 0.99

02:01:04.000 It's the coolest shit, man. 0.99

02:01:05.000 That app is great, man. 1.00

02:01:06.000 I will get it.

02:01:07.000 They can ring your phone.

02:01:08.000 They never know your phone number.

02:01:09.000 You go live.

02:01:10.000 I do a thing.

02:01:10.000 I go live.

02:01:11.000 You hit a button, sends it to everybody, and then they can just call like a radio station.

02:01:15.000 Like this, rolling.

02:01:16.000 Are they located in San Francisco?

02:01:18.000 Is their headquarters located in San Francisco?

02:01:20.000 Yeah, I believe so.

02:01:21.000 Because I met someone who was trying to get me to do that years ago, but of course I blew it off.

02:01:26.000 You should do it.

02:01:27.000 Yeah, no.

02:01:27.000 I'm on it.

02:01:28.000 What other things do you do for promotion?

02:01:31.000 How many different things are you involved in when you're promoting yourself?

02:01:33.000 Just a few, man.

02:01:34.000 I do the Say Now, obviously Facebook, the Twitter stuff, but not a lot, man.

02:01:40.000 I don't know what Foursquare is. 1.00

02:01:43.000 I hate that shit. 1.00

02:01:44.000 Why would you want it to be the ultimate stalker? 1.00

02:01:46.000 What is that?

02:01:47.000 Hey, I'm at Applebee's.

02:01:48.000 Here's the exact location.

02:01:50.000 I am here right now.

02:01:51.000 Oh, that's what that is?

02:01:53.000 That's nutty.

02:01:54.000 That's not going to happen.

02:01:54.000 What is that my location stuff?

02:01:56.000 Why would you want to do that?

02:01:57.000 There's an app on your iPad where you can just sit here and put your address in and it'll show you all your neighbors who have Twittered or at least who have said, yes, you can use my location.

02:02:05.000 That's in Twitter.

02:02:07.000 You can see who's in your neighborhood is Twittering. 0.94

02:02:10.000 It's ridiculous. 0.90

02:02:11.000 That's creepy.

02:02:12.000 There's like 45 apps right now in the App Store that have code in it so that people can log in and get your contacts list.

02:02:19.000 Really?

02:02:20.000 Jesus Christ.

02:02:21.000 Yeah.

02:02:22.000 That's incredible.

02:02:23.000 A 15-year-old kid put up HandiLight two weeks ago.

02:02:25.000 Yeah, right.

02:02:25.000 Right?

02:02:26.000 And it was a tethering thing.

02:02:28.000 Yeah, it was a tethering program.

02:02:29.000 There's like 45. That's how many they admit.

02:02:30.000 There's like 45. You know what's crazy is what's even worse is Android.

02:02:34.000 When I had Android, there were so many bad rogue apps.

02:02:37.000 Like, I downloaded a weather app, and it was just supposed to give me the weather.

02:02:41.000 And it was like, this is going to take your contact list.

02:02:43.000 You know how it gives you the warnings of all the things?

02:02:44.000 It was like five different things.

02:02:46.000 I was like, what?

02:02:46.000 This is a weather app.

02:02:48.000 Why does it need my contacts? 0.99

02:02:49.000 This is how much of a fucking scoundrel I am right now. 1.00

02:02:51.000 When you're single again, I had a girl call me randomly, because I know my number's out there sometimes, and people do post shit. 0.99

02:02:58.000 It's like you change your number once in a while. 0.97

02:02:59.000 So in the middle of the night, I'm like, hello, giggling.

02:03:02.000 Is this Dane?

02:03:03.000 And I'm like, yeah, yeah, what's up?

02:03:06.000 Where'd you get this number?

02:03:07.000 Oh my god, oh my god.

02:03:08.000 And then finally she sounded so hot that I was like, where are you guys right now?

02:03:12.000 Where are you guys?

02:03:13.000 I was like, age, sex, location?

02:03:15.000 How old are you guys?

02:03:16.000 And you're like, oh, we're 22. I'm like, are you guys in LA? What's up?

02:03:18.000 Send a picture.

02:03:19.000 So they send a picture?

02:03:21.000 When you're single again, you're like, there's no laws that govern me at this point.

02:03:26.000 Why not?

02:03:26.000 Right, yeah.

02:03:27.000 Fucking take full advantage of this crazy magic trick you have. 0.99

02:03:30.000 Doesn't it feel like a crazy magic trick? 1.00

02:03:32.000 Yeah, man. 0.97

02:03:32.000 It feels like, as long as you recognize it's a magic trick, the real problem is when dudes who have the magic trick don't think it's a trick, they think, I am this fucking special. 0.97

02:03:41.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.94

02:03:41.000 You know, that's an easy soup to start drinking. 0.94

02:03:44.000 Right. 0.98

02:03:45.000 No, I never forget and go, I was the guy that couldn't fucking get it done, man. 0.97

02:03:50.000 I had no game. 0.98

02:03:51.000 I had no fucking approach. 0.98

02:03:53.000 So, yeah, I'm constantly reminded. 0.98

02:03:55.000 It's a very strange thing when people are under the spell.

02:03:58.000 You know, when they're looking at someone famous and you see that their heart's beating fast and their hands are shaking, it's like, wow.

02:04:04.000 Yeah.

02:04:04.000 Just because they've seen your image broadcast somewhere or they thought you did something that they enjoyed.

02:04:09.000 That's how it would be with Steve Martin.

02:04:10.000 If I ever met Steve Martin, that's how it would be.

02:04:12.000 Yeah, Steve Martin.

02:04:13.000 It's like being like Pantaleoni in Matrix.

02:04:15.000 You just want to believe that steak's real. 1.00

02:04:17.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:04:17.000 I don't care if it's fucking that real. 1.00

02:04:19.000 Still to this day, I'll go back and listen to Let's Get Small. 1.00

02:04:23.000 I'm like, fuck. 1.00

02:04:25.000 You know, especially for them. 1.00

02:04:26.000 I mean, when was it?

02:04:27.000 Was that like 78 or something like that?

02:04:29.000 Right before The Jerk, right?

02:04:31.000 Wasn't that like right before The Jerk?

02:04:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:04:33.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:04:33.000 And he told me I was asking about The Jerk. 1.00

02:04:35.000 Because as much as I could, I was like, you know, once he warmed up, I was like, tell me a little about The Jerk.

02:04:39.000 And he was like, I was just driving to the gig every day with Carl Reiner.

02:04:43.000 And we're like, is this funny?

02:04:44.000 Is this funny?

02:04:45.000 They were just doing what comics do.

02:04:46.000 And then get to set and make it work.

02:04:48.000 Wow.

02:04:48.000 Yeah.

02:04:49.000 They were like, we had no clue what we were doing or how big that was going to be.

02:04:52.000 I want to know what happened with him because there was definitely a point in his time kind of after planes, trains, and automobiles around Grand Canyon times where it seemed like he just stopped playing Steve Martin and started acting like an old man or something.

02:05:05.000 No more crazy.

02:05:06.000 He was forcing the crazy wild crazy.

02:05:08.000 What's your feeling on that?

02:05:08.000 Don't a lot of comics want to be like, you've got to take me serious.

02:05:11.000 A lot of comics go through that phase where it's like, I'm a serious human being.

02:05:15.000 Stop smoking weed.

02:05:16.000 What about that weird thing where comics want to be taken seriously and they start making points on stage that aren't funny?

02:05:24.000 Yeah.

02:05:25.000 I worked with this comic once.

02:05:26.000 I'm not going to say his name, but he's a political guy.

02:05:28.000 Pretty famous guy.

02:05:29.000 And he did this line, and then he said, And it wasn't even remotely funny. 0.99

02:05:39.000 It was some silly fucking Democrat versus Republican point that should be obvious to anybody who's paying attention. 0.99

02:05:45.000 And it was just like, wow, you're going for that? 0.99

02:05:48.000 They lose this perspective, and all of a sudden they start thinking that they're this voice of reason that people need to hear.

02:05:57.000 They're like, come on, man.

02:05:58.000 You're supposed to just be funny.

02:06:00.000 If you don't have anything funny to say about a subject, or if it's not setting up something funny later...

02:06:05.000 I understand if you want to get a point across or give a perspective... 0.97

02:06:09.000 That may not be funny, but it gives us your point of view, so I understand what you're talking about when you say some funny shit later. 0.97

02:06:14.000 But if you start preaching, that's a fucking tricky thing, right? 0.99

02:06:17.000 Yeah, yeah, no, no. 0.96

02:06:19.000 How many guys have you seen do it, though?

02:06:20.000 A lot, right?

02:06:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:06:21.000 And it seemed like there was a phase, not as much now, but a few years ago where everybody was trying to do that.

02:06:26.000 Where everybody was like, this is the point in my act where I'm going to dim the lights and do Bill Maher real talk. 0.98

02:06:34.000 I'm there for fucking yucks, man. 0.99

02:06:36.000 I'm there to make you laugh your ass off. 1.00

02:06:38.000 I'm there to make you escape for a little bit. 0.99

02:06:39.000 There's a lot of fucking guys that do it a thousand times better than me, but I figured out how to do it my way to where I can entertain you and we can all forget about the real hardcore shit for a little bit. 0.98

02:06:50.000 That's all I'm supposed to do, man. 0.99

02:06:52.000 Yeah.

02:06:53.000 Really.

02:06:53.000 If I can do some flicks, if I can produce some TV stuff, great.

02:06:57.000 I love comedy that doesn't have to mean shit. 1.00

02:06:59.000 Like, Joey Diaz is one of my favorite guys to watch ever, because everything is up my ass and my balls and my dick. 1.00

02:07:05.000 Shut up, suck my cock. 1.00

02:07:06.000 That's Boston. 1.00

02:07:07.000 That's so Boston, too. 1.00

02:07:07.000 Everything ended up up the ass. 1.00

02:07:09.000 If you couldn't get the fucking... 1.00

02:07:10.000 If you had no end in your joke, it ended up up your ass. 1.00

02:07:14.000 I appreciate, like, really deep thinkers, and I appreciate people with really fascinating points of view, but for the most part... 0.98

02:07:20.000 A lot of that stuff is not funny.

02:07:22.000 A lot of that stuff really – it's almost you're disrespecting certain topics by doing them on stage.

02:07:26.000 I mean you can kind of like brush on it and kind of like dabble in it.

02:07:31.000 But if it's a really fascinating subject, it's something that needs to be explored and it's not going to be funny.

02:07:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:07:36.000 But just for flat out funny, like for me, I like stupid shit. 1.00

02:07:40.000 I like a Joey Diaz type guy. 1.00

02:07:42.000 That's the kind of shit I laugh at. 1.00

02:07:44.000 I want to laugh at someone. 1.00

02:07:46.000 I mean, I love good writing and everything like that, but I love just as much, you know, Joey Diaz, he's got this joke about transvestites.

02:07:52.000 He goes, I love transvestites. 1.00

02:07:54.000 They cook.

02:07:55.000 They clean.

02:07:56.000 You can beat on them every once in a while.

02:07:57.000 The cops come.

02:07:58.000 Who are they going to believe?

02:07:59.000 Me or some dude with a wig and a black eye.

02:08:01.000 It's great.

02:08:02.000 That's like, just bang, bang, bang! 0.89

02:08:03.000 I mean, it's just laughing about transvestites. 1.00

02:08:06.000 It's a fucking tremendous joke. 0.99

02:08:07.000 But you know what I'm saying? 1.00

02:08:08.000 It's like, that's the kind of shit that'll make me clap and laugh, and then hours later I'll be at the diner eating, clapping and laughing. 0.99

02:08:15.000 You know, it's like, that's my favorite kind of comedy. 1.00

02:08:18.000 I like just stupid shit. 1.00

02:08:21.000 That's why I like old Steve Martin. 1.00

02:08:23.000 Exactly.

02:08:24.000 Old Steve Martin was awesome.

02:08:26.000 What are your favorite comics that work today?

02:08:30.000 I just watched Burr again on Letterman.

02:08:32.000 I think Billy's just like...

02:08:35.000 He's one of the funniest guys out there.

02:08:37.000 He's an architect, man. 0.96

02:08:40.000 He gets out there and he fucking figures out. 0.98

02:08:41.000 And he's just funny. 0.99

02:08:43.000 It's just about fucking being funny. 0.98

02:08:45.000 And he's not going to use his power to do that. 0.99

02:08:48.000 Yeah, just a funny cat, man.

02:08:50.000 It's all pure.

02:08:52.000 I liked watching Chappelle before.

02:08:54.000 He kind of disappeared.

02:08:55.000 I always appreciated watching Dave get up and just work. 0.92

02:08:57.000 As a guy who's on the same level as him, fame-wise, does it freak you out that he doesn't fucking perform in these big places? 0.68

02:09:05.000 Why don't you let people know where you're going to be, man? 0.58

02:09:09.000 Why don't you do more shows?

02:09:11.000 He's one of the best ever.

02:09:12.000 One of the best ever right now, and it's so rare to hear his performance.

02:09:16.000 Listen, I don't know Dave personally.

02:09:17.000 I don't have insight, but just from what I hear, he's got some stuff to work out.

02:09:24.000 So maybe he's just not in a place where he can face that head-on.

02:09:27.000 I know I'm putting it rather delicately.

02:09:28.000 Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

02:09:29.000 I mean, I heard that crazy story about whatever the hell happened on the airplane, where they had to land somewhere, and the pilot thought that he was a hazard to the flight, so they landed early.

02:09:39.000 That's extreme.

02:09:40.000 You know, that's extreme stuff. 0.96

02:09:42.000 I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I met him when I did, I mean, comedy clubs in New York, and I did this appell show twice, and he's just always been a cool dude, but I never got to know him deep. 0.50

02:09:52.000 Yeah, I don't think he's like that, though. 0.87

02:09:54.000 I don't think a lot of people know him, really, personally. 0.97

02:09:56.000 He's kind of, you know, living in fucking Utah or somewhere. 0.99

02:09:59.000 Ohio. 0.99

02:10:00.000 Yeah.

02:10:01.000 Yeah, it's strange, huh?

02:10:03.000 Yeah, but that's one of the things that I said also that I think people really love about him is the fact that he is kind of reclusive.

02:10:08.000 He is kind of like the reluctant star.

02:10:10.000 And one of the things that people will go after you is that you already have attention. 0.99

02:10:15.000 So they're like, why does this fucking guy want more attention? 0.99

02:10:18.000 You know? 1.00

02:10:18.000 Right, yeah. 1.00

02:10:18.000 Like, you fucking attention whore. 1.00

02:10:20.000 Look at this attention whore. 1.00

02:10:21.000 Shut your mouth, attention whore. 1.00

02:10:22.000 That's what it is. 1.00

02:10:23.000 People think that when you promote, if you're self-promoting, that somehow or another you're doing something to them.

02:10:30.000 Do you get that? 1.00

02:10:31.000 Stop fucking spamming me! 0.99

02:10:34.000 Any level of success and what I've learned having slow but short trajectory is like there's always more people that don't like what you do than more people like what you do. 0.99

02:10:45.000 That's it.

02:10:45.000 You just attract more people that like you, more don't like you, will be attracted to you and tell you.

02:10:51.000 Of course. 0.92

02:10:52.000 Like I said, I'm totally hypocritical. 0.99

02:10:54.000 I hated a serious man, and I went on Twitter, and I'm like, I seriously fucking sucked. 0.99

02:10:58.000 If somebody could have seen me perform and did the same thing. 0.98

02:11:02.000 But that's okay, though. 0.91

02:11:03.000 You've got to realize that there's a lot of music that I fucking love. 0.99

02:11:07.000 And if Mrs. Rogan gets in the car with me, she's like, what the fuck are you listening to? 0.99

02:11:12.000 And I'm like, I was made for loving you, okay? 1.00

02:11:15.000 You don't know this? 1.00

02:11:16.000 You don't know this fucking song? 0.99

02:11:19.000 Somebody like Chappelle though, I mean, regardless of what he's dealing with, there's so many... 1.00

02:11:23.000 When Steve Martin did arenas, Steve Martin was doing also...

02:11:26.000 He wasn't doing like...

02:11:27.000 When people say arenas today, yeah, I'm doing maybe 20,000 people. 0.85

02:11:30.000 That dude was doing fucking 60,000 people in an arena where he was partitioned with no screens, nothing. 0.71

02:11:39.000 Man, mic, white suit, dot on the other side of the place. 0.99

02:11:42.000 So you understand.

02:11:43.000 But with me, it's like...

02:11:45.000 I have the most amazing, like, the guy that comes out, my road guy, Al Dottley, he did Zeppelin, he did Elvis, he's got all the gadgets, we put screens, we make you feel like you're in your living room.

02:11:56.000 I go in the middle, not because I want to be a gladiator, because it's four theaters at any point.

02:12:01.000 It's easier to be close to people from the middle.

02:12:03.000 It wasn't like a thing where it was like, yeah, by being in the middle, I'm the rock star.

02:12:08.000 No, it's like, I need to be as close to people in these big shows as possible.

02:12:11.000 I've only done one theater in the round show ever.

02:12:13.000 Maybe two.

02:12:14.000 Was it in Cape Cod?

02:12:15.000 No, I don't think I did that.

02:12:17.000 What was the one where the whole thing turned?

02:12:20.000 Remember that round?

02:12:21.000 Oh yeah, what was that one?

02:12:22.000 That was a minute comedy tour.

02:12:24.000 The whole stage was a circle and it turned.

02:12:26.000 I think it was Phoenix.

02:12:28.000 Yeah, I did something.

02:12:29.000 It always weirded me out that people were behind me.

02:12:32.000 This is strange.

02:12:33.000 I'm performing and I'm not looking.

02:12:35.000 There's people behind me.

02:12:36.000 I couldn't get past that.

02:12:38.000 That was freaking me out.

02:12:39.000 But it really is smarter, right?

02:12:41.000 It's more dynamic.

02:12:42.000 It's a three-dimensional approach as opposed to standing in this one plane facing this one way every time.

02:12:48.000 Yeah, when people are behind you too, and I always keep a little light on everybody, there's a constant flow of energy by seeing other people and feeling...

02:12:56.000 It's just, there's something unique about being in the middle.

02:12:59.000 Right, like they're seeing people, not just you.

02:13:00.000 Yes.

02:13:00.000 They're not just seeing a stage with you, they're seeing people watching you, and that is an added...

02:13:04.000 Whoa, that's interesting.

02:13:05.000 Absolutely.

02:13:05.000 That's an interesting way to look at it.

02:13:07.000 Yeah, like everybody's like, whoa, we're on this together.

02:13:09.000 If you're just talking about on an energy level, if you want to talk about that, like for me, it's like what you put out there, and it doesn't dissipate the way I feel it does when you're just launching it at them, like you were meant to look at me.

02:13:19.000 When they feel like they're part of it, they're connected to it, It's a different kind of comedy, man.

02:13:25.000 It's a different show.

02:13:26.000 And the screens.

02:13:27.000 Look, I got all four.

02:13:28.000 So even when my back's to you, there's never a bad seat.

02:13:31.000 Even if you're up top, you're looking directly out at a screen.

02:13:35.000 So we figure out how to make it work. 0.96

02:13:37.000 That's pretty fucking badass. 0.65

02:13:38.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:13:39.000 It's got to be really strange to do shows for that many people.

02:13:42.000 What is it like to do a show for 20?

02:13:44.000 I think the most I've ever done...

02:13:44.000 Come out and do it, man.

02:13:45.000 Next time I do a gig, come out and open.

02:13:48.000 I'm telling you.

02:13:49.000 No, I'm serious, man.

02:13:50.000 I always have people...

02:13:51.000 People who've never done those size shows on the last tour, I just be like, dude, come out.

02:13:56.000 Come out.

02:13:56.000 And it was great, man.

02:13:58.000 And everybody thinks, oh, it's not going to work for me there.

02:14:00.000 It's like, no, no.

02:14:01.000 First of all, my fans are comedy fans.

02:14:03.000 They're not the kind of people that get like, oh, we're just waiting for...

02:14:05.000 They love comedy, most of my fans.

02:14:08.000 And...

02:14:09.000 You never want to go back once you've done big shows like that in the round, man.

02:14:12.000 Really?

02:14:12.000 It's amazing.

02:14:12.000 Yeah, I promise.

02:14:13.000 Very bizarre.

02:14:14.000 Yeah, no, you dig it, man.

02:14:15.000 You dig it.

02:14:16.000 I have a shiny bald spot in the back of my head.

02:14:18.000 We powder you up, Joe?

02:14:19.000 I'm telling you right now. 1.00

02:14:20.000 I got all that shit. 1.00

02:14:21.000 Are you kidding me? 1.00

02:14:21.000 I'm thinking... 1.00

02:14:22.000 No hat, man.

02:14:25.000 20,000 people.

02:14:26.000 What is the biggest crowd you've ever performed?

02:14:28.000 Gator growl?

02:14:29.000 Gator growl.

02:14:30.000 Pennsylvania?

02:14:30.000 48,000 in Florida.

02:14:32.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:14:33.000 Gainesville?

02:14:34.000 Mm-hmm. 1.00

02:14:34.000 Damn! 1.00

02:14:35.000 48,000! 1.00

02:14:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:14:37.000 Holy shit! 1.00

02:14:38.000 That was pretty cool. 1.00

02:14:39.000 What the fuck was that like? 0.99

02:14:40.000 That first laugh was like... 1.00

02:14:44.000 It came across the field.

02:14:46.000 That's insane.

02:14:47.000 But I would never want to do that size in a stadium if I could do that again.

02:14:51.000 Doing an arena, it's compact.

02:14:53.000 Everybody's right on you. 0.99

02:14:55.000 Could you imagine eating shit on stage in front of 48,000 people? 1.00

02:15:01.000 Could you imagine bombing? 0.99

02:15:02.000 Could you imagine hitting a joke, especially if you did a controversial joke and they didn't like it and they turned on you?

02:15:07.000 48,000?

02:15:09.000 Yeah.

02:15:09.000 And maybe you've got to still do another 40 minutes.

02:15:10.000 Oh my God.

02:15:11.000 You better make sure, and trust me, I made sure it's like, my fans are showing up for this. 0.99

02:15:16.000 I'm not setting myself up for that kind of fucking... 0.99

02:15:18.000 Do you still look back and remember the first time you ever bombed? 0.99

02:15:21.000 Yeah, oh yeah, a bunch of them.

02:15:24.000 It's called New York.

02:15:25.000 I just wrote a chapter in this book I'm writing, all on the very first time I ever bombed, which is a horrible, terrible disaster that I'll never forget, because it was the first time I ever bombed while I was getting paid.

02:15:38.000 That's a big difference.

02:15:39.000 Bombing at open mic nights, everybody's bombing. 0.99

02:15:42.000 Five people are going to eat shit on stage, and you're only up there for five minutes. 0.99

02:15:45.000 But once you do a paid gig, and I was middling. 0.99

02:15:47.000 I shouldn't have been middling.

02:15:48.000 I really didn't have the time. 0.98

02:15:49.000 And the guy who went on before me fucking crushed. 0.99

02:15:51.000 And there was this chick that I had seen the last time I was there, and she was super hot and I fucked her. 1.00

02:15:56.000 And she was in the front row, and she brought her friends, and her friends looked, and they were going to sit in the front row when I went on stage, so I was panicking. 0.98

02:16:02.000 I was like, they're going to be right in front of me.

02:16:04.000 I was only like a year into comedy, a year and a half at the most, and this guy who went up, who was the MC, was way better than me.

02:16:10.000 He was already better than me. 0.93

02:16:11.000 And I was like, I conned this fucking book into making me a middle. 1.00

02:16:15.000 I was like, it's just a cocky douche. 0.99

02:16:16.000 I was like, I can middle.

02:16:17.000 Come on, I can middle.

02:16:18.000 So he lets me middle.

02:16:19.000 And this guy goes on stage and destroys.

02:16:22.000 And he stopped doing comedy.

02:16:23.000 It was really too bad.

02:16:24.000 He's a natural. 0.99

02:16:25.000 I don't remember his name, unfortunately, but he fucking killed. 1.00

02:16:28.000 And then I went after him and ate just dry bricks of shit with no water for 20 minutes. 0.99

02:16:34.000 It was the most embarrassing feeling I'd ever had in my life. 0.99

02:16:38.000 I couldn't believe how unbearable it was.

02:16:41.000 And her and her friends were looking at each other and her friends would lean over and say something like...

02:16:46.000 Oh no!

02:16:47.000 And then I could hear crickets and I'm trying to be extra loud because I'm trying to bring them back to my side!

02:16:54.000 So you force the punchlines and the timing is all off and it sucks even worse.

02:16:59.000 And my only experience with being nervous before...

02:17:02.000 My only experience with pressure had been fighting.

02:17:04.000 So when, you know, fighting in tournaments, you know, if you're nervous, you just turn inward and you say, this doesn't matter.

02:17:09.000 I'm going to do this. 0.97

02:17:10.000 I'm going to fucking explode. 1.00

02:17:11.000 I'm just going to fucking go, go, go, go. 0.99

02:17:13.000 You're just terrified, but you just get psyched up to go, which is the worst thing you could ever do on stage to be nervous and aggressive and fucking and all introspective and turned into yourself. 1.00

02:17:23.000 I don't give a fuck what they think. 0.99

02:17:24.000 I'm just going to go. 1.00

02:17:24.000 It's the worst mindset ever for comedy. 1.00

02:17:28.000 That's called being Carlos Mencia.

02:17:30.000 I'm going to turn it in and I'm going to explode.

02:17:32.000 The most feared.

02:17:35.000 I had to do...

02:17:36.000 Did you ever do shows without microphones?

02:17:38.000 Oh, yeah.

02:17:39.000 Yeah.

02:17:39.000 Batch parties?

02:17:40.000 Ever do a batch party without a mic?

02:17:41.000 I did, yeah.

02:17:42.000 I used to do, like, colleges around Boston where they'd hire me, and I'd be like, where's...

02:17:47.000 I'd be standing on a pool table.

02:17:49.000 I did one where I'm standing.

02:17:50.000 I did one in the cafeteria, standing on a cafeteria table.

02:17:54.000 Yeah.

02:17:55.000 Rickety table, like I couldn't move.

02:17:57.000 That was their stage.

02:17:58.000 I did a place in Florida called The Wrath Skeller.

02:18:02.000 They hired me to come down, and it was, like, one of my first road gigs.

02:18:05.000 And it was the thing where it's like there's food being served during, the TVs are on, like all that shit where it's like the whole – everything is happening and I'm doing stand-up and like somebody threw a hot dog at me like five minutes into an hour.

02:18:17.000 Those gigs are so important, man. 0.96

02:18:19.000 All those shit gigs that Boston Comedy used to book and all those little weird fucking places in New Hampshire you would drive an hour and a half up to – You know, New Hampshire and do some weird bar with a tinny sound system. 0.96

02:18:30.000 Those are so good though. 0.99

02:18:31.000 When you look back at it now, how important were those for developing your ability to focus on stage and kill and cut the fat out of your act?

02:18:40.000 Driving home from Orno, Maine once.

02:18:42.000 I got a gig up there and it was the first time, a few years in, I drove home and I'm like, alright, this matters.

02:18:48.000 Even though it was horrible, I was like, this matters. 0.83

02:18:51.000 This someday I will look back on tonight and know that I learned fucking something here. 0.92

02:18:56.000 Oh man, but you never want to come back. 0.96

02:18:59.000 Yeah, you do those gigs and you're just like, wow, this doesn't even feel like show business.

02:19:04.000 I did a thing with this guy, Scott Papakuri.

02:19:06.000 He used to book the Matapoiset Inn, this little tiny shithole. 0.99

02:19:09.000 But it was a great little room where I got to see Teddy Bergeron, by the way, who was a fucking genius. 0.96

02:19:16.000 One of the best comics ever. 0.91

02:19:18.000 One of the best comics ever.

02:19:19.000 Had one of the best Tonight Show sets of all time.

02:19:22.000 Did you ever see his Tonight Show set?

02:19:23.000 Yeah, it's unbelievable. 0.97

02:19:24.000 Fucking genius and another guy where you're like, how could this guy not be in everybody's mind as one of the greatest comics ever? 0.98

02:19:32.000 And this guy, Scott Papakuri, booked a gig for he and I on Block Island. 0.99

02:19:37.000 And Block Island was like an island outside of Rhode Island, I think.

02:19:40.000 And there's nothing there. 0.99

02:19:43.000 It's just drunk, retarded fishermen. 1.00

02:19:45.000 And they are dumb as fuck. 1.00

02:19:47.000 And they're so drunk, they are, all of them, there's maybe 20 people in the room, all of them are so drunk, they can't even keep their eyes open. 1.00

02:19:55.000 Their mouths are sliding, like, what's going on here?

02:19:57.000 And we have to do comedy for them.

02:19:59.000 And Scott gets up and starts shitting all over them, and he was not really, you know, he hadn't been doing comedy that long then, really probably shouldn't have been on stage in this sort of a situation anyway.

02:20:08.000 And I went on after them, and they had already turned their backs to the comedy show, like half of them.

02:20:12.000 They turned their backs and just started a conversation.

02:20:15.000 And we had to stay in...

02:20:17.000 It wasn't in a hotel room.

02:20:20.000 It was in a supply room.

02:20:21.000 They had two cots in a supply room with no shower.

02:20:24.000 There was a bathroom.

02:20:26.000 We could take a horse bath.

02:20:29.000 Yeah, a horse bath. 0.99

02:20:31.000 And we stayed in this little fucking supply room until we could catch the boat back the next day. 0.99

02:20:36.000 Oh, man. 0.99

02:20:37.000 I did so many of those little ones.

02:20:39.000 I mean, colleges where there's no hotel.

02:20:41.000 I'm happy to do them.

02:20:41.000 You're psyched.

02:20:42.000 I got a gig.

02:20:43.000 I know.

02:20:43.000 At the time.

02:20:44.000 Yeah, at the time.

02:20:45.000 You're like, all right, I got a gig.

02:20:46.000 I'm making 50 bucks or whatever it was.

02:20:48.000 But, oh, man.

02:20:50.000 Brutal.

02:20:51.000 Bangor, Maine.

02:20:51.000 I did a bunch up there.

02:20:52.000 Yeah.

02:20:53.000 I did a bunch for Norm LaFoe.

02:20:55.000 He had all these gigs in Western Massachusetts.

02:20:56.000 Yep. 0.99

02:20:57.000 Way out there where you had to drive 40 miles an hour because deer would jump in front of your fucking car every five minutes. 1.00

02:21:02.000 You had to be careful that you didn't die. 0.99

02:21:04.000 Like, you get to these certain gigs.

02:21:05.000 Yeah, these Berkshire shows.

02:21:07.000 Yeah.

02:21:08.000 Especially Western Mass.

02:21:09.000 Yeah.

02:21:09.000 Out near Amherst.

02:21:10.000 I remember there was a lot of two-lane roads where you would see dead deer all over the place.

02:21:14.000 Right. 1.00

02:21:14.000 Fucking wrecked cars. 1.00

02:21:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:16.000 I nailed one one night. 1.00

02:21:17.000 Did you?

02:21:18.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:21:18.000 Just his ass had just gotten past me. 1.00

02:21:20.000 And I did the thing where I gunned it. 1.00

02:21:21.000 I'm like, I wanted to swerve.

02:21:24.000 The voice was like, gun it! 1.00

02:21:25.000 And I fucking hit him and spot him. 1.00

02:21:27.000 I watched him spin off into the woods. 1.00

02:21:29.000 Dude, you can die from that. 1.00

02:21:31.000 A lot of people have died from hitting, especially if you hit a fucking moose. 1.00

02:21:34.000 If you hit a moose, you might be dead. 1.00

02:21:37.000 That thing might come through the windshield and crush your fucking spine. 1.00

02:21:40.000 Yeah, right? 0.99

02:21:41.000 I had a dream that Mike Goldberg, the guy I work with in the UFC, got killed by a grizzly bear.

02:21:46.000 And it was a very graphic movie in my head, like a very graphic dream, where it was very realistic.

02:21:52.000 And I woke up like, literally woke up like, whoa!

02:21:55.000 Like, he was with his wife and his kids, and they were in a river. 0.99

02:21:58.000 And a fucking grizzly bear came running through the bank of the river, jumped into the water, and just fucked him up in front of everybody. 1.00

02:22:06.000 Yeah, very strange. 1.00

02:22:07.000 Mike Goldberg, if you're listening, buddy, don't go camping.

02:22:10.000 Don't go in the river. 0.99

02:22:11.000 Yeah, stay the fuck away from the bears. 0.99

02:22:12.000 Do you think that's the future of, that's like 30 years from now, that's what fucking sport's going to be? 0.99

02:22:16.000 It's going to literally be like a guy. 0.97

02:22:18.000 Oh, yeah.

02:22:18.000 Mixed martial arts verse.

02:22:20.000 Some kind of hybrid DNA government experiments, like half fucking cougar. 0.94

02:22:24.000 The only reason why there's not sword fights on TV is because no one's put sword fights on TV. If they were, people would love to watch that. 0.90

02:22:31.000 Two guys with samurai swords trying to hack each other's fucking heads off. 0.98

02:22:34.000 I think we're going to produce our very first show together, Joe. 0.99

02:22:37.000 I love it.

02:22:38.000 The lions versus the Christians, I mean, those people weren't much different than us today. 0.98

02:22:42.000 How is that different than GhettoGaggers.com? 1.00

02:22:45.000 How is that different than some of the shit that you watch, like those Mexican drug dealers cutting that guy's head off with a small knife? 1.00

02:22:51.000 Have you seen that video? 1.00

02:22:52.000 No. 1.00

02:22:52.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:22:53.000 You see the suicide jump off of that? 1.00

02:22:55.000 Yeah, off the fucking Hoover Dam. 1.00

02:22:57.000 Where his head just splits open. 1.00

02:22:58.000 Yeah, his head blows up like a coconut that got shot with a rifle around. 1.00

02:23:01.000 I can't watch that shit, man. 1.00

02:23:02.000 It's awful. 1.00

02:23:02.000 You can't unsee that stuff, but you should know that it's out there. 1.00

02:23:06.000 When you see someone really fucking shifty when you go to 7-Eleven, you should know. 0.99

02:23:09.000 This guy might pull out a gun and kill everybody. 1.00

02:23:11.000 He might commit suicide. 1.00

02:23:12.000 Yeah, who the fuck knows? 1.00

02:23:13.000 I mean, you've seen so much fucked up shit on the internet. 1.00

02:23:16.000 I think, to a certain extent... 1.00

02:23:20.000 and it makes people a little bit more fucked up than maybe they could be because they have all this nutty stuff that they have access to. 0.98

02:23:24.000 Yes. 0.98

02:23:24.000 But on the other side, you should be more aware of what is possible. 0.98

02:23:27.000 You might be a good person who's always around nice people.

02:23:30.000 You're a Mormon or something. 1.00

02:23:31.000 And so you think everybody's mellow and predictable. 1.00

02:23:33.000 And then all of a sudden, you're around some fucking gangbanger and you don't know what the fuck this is. 0.99

02:23:38.000 Right. 0.99

02:23:38.000 You don't know what the rules are. 0.99

02:23:40.000 You don't know what game he's playing.

02:23:42.000 Yeah.

02:23:42.000 And you know what?

02:23:43.000 Most people don't realize in those situations, you better fight your fucking ass off. 0.99

02:23:48.000 When you see people going along with it, that's when you're like, oh, this is going to be bad. 0.99

02:23:52.000 Right.

02:23:52.000 I saw a guy get knocked out.

02:23:54.000 He looked like these thugs just found him coming out of what looks like a convenience store.

02:24:00.000 They knocked him out.

02:24:01.000 Knocked him out unconscious.

02:24:03.000 The guy falls, bangs his head off the concrete, out cold, arms up near stiff, and the dude starts pissing on his face. 1.00

02:24:09.000 Dude pulls a dick and pisses on it. 0.99

02:24:11.000 Just decided to knock this guy out out of nowhere. 1.00

02:24:13.000 Like, you need to know that there's people like that out there. 1.00

02:24:15.000 That's real shit. 1.00

02:24:16.000 I mean, you can be paranoid and fucking, you know, and start dwelling on them and get all Second Amendment on everybody. 1.00

02:24:21.000 But how do you get to know that person? 0.93

02:24:22.000 Does he have a Facebook page?

02:24:23.000 Hey, I'm into knocking people out. 0.99

02:24:26.000 Then my wrap up, my tag is I piss on you. 0.98

02:24:30.000 It was hard to watch, man. 0.98

02:24:31.000 Follow me on Twitter.

02:24:32.000 It was hard to watch because you see the dude half conscious and the piss is hitting his face and just moving.

02:24:37.000 That could be you.

02:24:38.000 That could be anybody.

02:24:38.000 Anybody who somebody decides to steal on.

02:24:40.000 You're in the wrong place at the wrong time and some guy who you never saw coming decides to punch you in the face and Piss on your unconscious body. 0.99

02:24:48.000 And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I think that's the end of this fucking podcast. 0.99

02:24:53.000 I'm glad you came over, dude. 0.96

02:24:54.000 Again, we're sponsored by The Fleshlight, fleshlight.com.

02:24:57.000 You know, you and I have had our differences over the year, but I always respected your ability to market yourself, and I always respected your ambition.

02:25:04.000 And I think sometimes when people are ambitious, things don't necessarily work out the way they should be.

02:25:10.000 I know you're a good dude, and I know that you're always working on your act.

02:25:14.000 I see it all the time.

02:25:15.000 I know you're doing the right things, and I hear your interviews, and I know you're in a good place with your mind.

02:25:19.000 And I think that's important, man.

02:25:21.000 And I think it's also important that...

02:25:24.000 At a certain stage in your life, you have to recognize when you've had differences with somebody.

02:25:28.000 It's not that I don't like you as a person.

02:25:30.000 It's just differences. 0.99

02:25:31.000 I'm glad that we put all that shit past. 0.99

02:25:34.000 That means the world hearing that from you, Joe. 0.99

02:25:36.000 You've got a lot of integrity and I've always had a lot of respect for you.

02:25:39.000 Which is part of the reason that there was for me on my side when anybody ever came to me with anything.

02:25:44.000 It was like, I have really nothing to say about it.

02:25:47.000 I hope that time will just eventually figure that out.

02:25:50.000 I appreciate that.

02:25:51.000 Good to be here on your show.

02:25:52.000 We'll do it again.

02:25:53.000 Yeah, dude, for sure, for sure.

02:25:54.000 And I think stuff like this, like I said, is perfect for a guy like you to...

02:25:58.000 So people really get a chance to see who you really are.

02:26:01.000 True. 0.84

02:26:01.000 No bullshit. 0.84

02:26:02.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:26:02.000 And I don't think anybody who was thrust into your condition is going to come out of it without some scrapes. 0.98

02:26:07.000 I mean, you thrust yourself into like...

02:26:10.000 Really like a stratosphere that very few human beings ever have to navigate.

02:26:16.000 Comedy Lohan.

02:26:18.000 Yeah, and you did it over a very short period of time.

02:26:20.000 So I think people need to respect that.

02:26:23.000 I think you did an awesome job.

02:26:24.000 Thanks, man. 0.94

02:26:24.000 I think you got through it, and you're doing all the right shit. 0.94

02:26:26.000 And I enjoyed how you did that isolated incident. 0.98

02:26:28.000 I was telling people, I love how you did it all.

02:26:30.000 In one take, and you did it all with one camera, right on the stage.

02:26:34.000 You could tell there was no edits to it.

02:26:36.000 I was like, that was really cool.

02:26:37.000 That was a cool, creative choice. 0.97

02:26:39.000 I think you're doing some awesome shit. 0.92

02:26:41.000 Thanks, man. 0.97

02:26:41.000 Thank you. 0.97

02:26:42.000 Keep up the good work.

02:26:43.000 Good luck with your writing.

02:26:44.000 I'm going to get that program, by the way.

02:26:46.000 Yeah, Write Room, folks who are into it.

02:26:49.000 I think it only works for the Mac, but I know that there's a version of it for the PC as well that does the exact same thing.

02:26:54.000 And it's just for all you creative types who are easily distracted.

02:26:58.000 And if you're also easily distracted and you have a hard time writing, pick up this book called The War of Art.

02:27:03.000 I think it's Steven Pressfield is the guy I wrote.

02:27:05.000 Have you ever heard of it?

02:27:06.000 No. 0.99

02:27:06.000 Fucking incredible. 0.99

02:27:07.000 The War of Art? 0.98

02:27:08.000 I bought a bunch of them and I give them out to people.

02:27:11.000 Yeah, I think I might have one.

02:27:13.000 I'll give one to you.

02:27:13.000 It's an amazing book and it's all about how you can overcome resistance and focus your mind for writing.

02:27:20.000 Really, really brilliant book.

02:27:21.000 I need that.

02:27:22.000 Everybody does.

02:27:23.000 He talks about it in the book.

02:27:26.000 Here's a guy who really didn't become successful as a writer until he was in his 40s.

02:27:30.000 He recognizes his own errors and his own bad patterns of thought.

02:27:35.000 He sort of addresses all of them that all creative types have in this thing.

02:27:39.000 Cool.

02:27:40.000 Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, twitter.com slash Dane Cook, twitter.com slash Red Band.

02:27:46.000 I'm Joe Rogan.

02:27:47.000 Thanks for tuning in, you guys, and we'll see you next week.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 03, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #33 -- Dane Cook

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Summary

Transcript