The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #38 - Bryan Callen

00:00:00.000 On a road.

00:00:00.000 And that road may or may not lead you in a good direction.

00:00:04.000 But you're gonna stay on that fucking road if you're attached to an ideology. 0.99

00:00:07.000 And it could be a terrible road. 1.00

00:00:09.000 It could be a road of, you know, circumcising your daughter's clitoris because that's a fucking tradition. 1.00

00:00:13.000 I mean, these fucking crazy bitches in Africa that cut holes in their lip and stretch them out to put plates on. 1.00

00:00:19.000 Why is that? 1.00

00:00:19.000 Because they got on a fucking road and they stuck with that road. 1.00

00:00:23.000 Regardless of rational thinking. 1.00

00:00:24.000 They didn't use rational thinking at all.

00:00:26.000 They're just adapted, a predetermined pattern of behavior that makes life so much more simple. 1.00

00:00:30.000 And that's what every fucking religion is. 0.99

00:00:32.000 The problem is no one knows. 1.00

00:00:34.000 You cannot know.

00:00:35.000 You can have your own beautiful personal experiences.

00:00:37.000 You could have been the person that was actually touched by God.

00:00:40.000 But when you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow you, Brian, you got two things going on at the same time. 1.00

00:00:47.000 I know you're full of shit. 1.00

00:00:49.000 I know you're full of shit, and you know you're full of shit. 1.00

00:00:51.000 And the real problem is that you can't say it. 1.00

00:00:53.000 Because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, the freedom to express yourself.

00:00:58.000 Even if you're expressing yourself with nonsense.

00:01:01.000 Nonsense that helps scared, lonely, sad people lock onto that nonsense so they feel like they're a part of something.

00:01:07.000 I mean, that's what it is. 1.00

00:01:08.000 It preys on people whose lives fucking suck. 1.00

00:01:11.000 So it's all nuts. 1.00

00:01:12.000 It's not like your shit's cool and my shit's not. 1.00

00:01:15.000 And it's not that, you know, yoga's the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer. 1.00

00:01:20.000 There's just questions. 0.95

00:01:22.000 And until we're honest about that, we're never going to evolve.

00:01:25.000 The human race is stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior and our thinking about our behavior.

00:01:32.000 But there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the training wheels off.

00:01:35.000 And you have to recognize that all this morality that you've developed is good because it's good to treat other people good.

00:01:41.000 It's good to treat other people the way you'd like to be treated yourself. 0.96

00:01:45.000 It's like a fucking golden rule, and there's a reason for it. 0.86

00:01:47.000 And that reason is that we're connected in some strange way that we don't totally understand. 0.98

00:01:51.000 Unless you are good to other people around you, unless you're kind and friendly and warm and loving, you're not gonna fucking enjoy this life. 0.98

00:01:59.000 You're just not. 0.98

00:02:00.000 You're gonna be problems everywhere you go.

00:02:02.000 You're gonna have problems everywhere you go. 1.00

00:02:04.000 You gotta figure out a way to enjoy this fucking life. 1.00

00:02:06.000 It's not because of Jesus. 1.00

00:02:08.000 It's not because of Moses.

00:02:10.000 It's not because of anybody that may or may not have ever existed.

00:02:12.000 It's because that's how you fit in better in the world.

00:02:15.000 That's how you stay positive. 1.00

00:02:16.000 And it doesn't have to be some shit that was written 5,000 years ago on fucking animal skins. 0.99

00:02:21.000 That doesn't have to be the golden rule because it's old. 1.00

00:02:24.000 You know, that's dumb. 0.84

00:02:25.000 We need to figure out, like, now, today, What is the best way to live your life? 0.96

00:02:31.000 There's got to be ways you can be putting forth the most positive energy.

00:02:35.000 We know objectively what's causing pollution.

00:02:38.000 We know objectively what's causing birth defects.

00:02:42.000 We're taking too much chemicals and not enough vitamins.

00:02:45.000 We know objectively all this stuff.

00:02:46.000 We know how to organize our world, and yet we don't do it.

00:02:50.000 We know how to organize our health and yet very few people do it.

00:02:53.000 We know all these things. 0.97

00:02:54.000 The right path to being a happy, healthy person is to do all the shit that we already know you're supposed to do. 0.99

00:03:01.000 Take care of your body. 0.99

00:03:02.000 Take care of your health.

00:03:04.000 Take care of your mind, your stress.

00:03:05.000 Meditate, be kind to people.

00:03:07.000 We all know that.

00:03:08.000 I mean, you ask anybody, they know how to get by and to be the most evolved version of you that you can be.

00:03:14.000 I mean, it's not like a magical checklist.

00:03:16.000 You talk to people about it.

00:03:17.000 You said, okay, you got a person you want to improve them.

00:03:20.000 What are the things you're going to do to them?

00:03:21.000 Okay, well, if I was a life coach, the first thing I would say is, this guy's got to get on a diet that makes him healthy.

00:03:26.000 I don't need a diet just to lose weight.

00:03:28.000 I mean just healthy foods in your body.

00:03:30.000 You need many, many vegetables. 0.99

00:03:32.000 Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water, stop the sodas, stop the bullshit. 0.97

00:03:41.000 Start working out your body and get a better sense of how this machine feels when it's moving.

00:03:47.000 It's flowing better.

00:03:48.000 There's less tension in it.

00:03:49.000 Your mind feels relaxed and you enjoy every single moment of the day better.

00:03:54.000 Step one.

00:03:55.000 Everybody knows that step, right?

00:03:56.000 Step two.

00:03:57.000 Be cool to people.

00:03:58.000 Be nice to as many people as you can.

00:03:59.000 Smile with as many people as you can.

00:04:01.000 Have them smile back at you.

00:04:02.000 Tip well when you go to restaurants.

00:04:04.000 Just do the most you can.

00:04:05.000 Be as nice as you can, you know, and just still manage that and people walk over.

00:04:10.000 Just get through this life as nice as you can.

00:04:12.000 What else?

00:04:12.000 Do what you want to do with your life, right?

00:04:14.000 Don't be doing something you don't enjoy.

00:04:16.000 Don't do something that's, don't get locked into, you know, a car that you can't afford and do this. 0.99

00:04:24.000 What the fuck is it that you really want to do? 0.98

00:04:27.000 Because if someone else is doing it, you can do it, you know? 0.99

00:04:30.000 I mean, everybody makes their own path through this world, but a lot of people don't follow the path that they really fucking feel pulled to, you know?

00:04:39.000 Just for whatever reason.

00:04:40.000 They got negative programming.

00:04:42.000 You know, when they were kids, someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut or take the short route.

00:04:49.000 That's a sad thing.

00:04:50.000 That was a little long.

00:04:57.000 A lot of stuff.

00:04:58.000 A lot of wisdom.

00:04:59.000 Very cool, though.

00:05:00.000 It was cool.

00:05:01.000 It's cool that someone did that.

00:05:02.000 Whoever did that, thank you very much.

00:05:04.000 Yeah, what is his name?

00:05:05.000 Unknown name or no name?

00:05:07.000 Well, I should find out, right? 0.99

00:05:08.000 Well, I can't because my cunt-sucking website is down. 1.00

00:05:11.000 Cunt-sucking. 1.00

00:05:13.000 Don't you hate that? 1.00

00:05:14.000 There's no reason for that.

00:05:15.000 It's so annoying.

00:05:16.000 My website's down a lot.

00:05:17.000 There really is no reason for that. 0.96

00:05:19.000 I refer to my website as cunt-crazy. 1.00

00:05:22.000 Yeah, this fucking thing's annoying as shit. 1.00

00:05:24.000 I don't know what's happening. 1.00

00:05:26.000 Perhaps it's a DOS attack, Brian.

00:05:28.000 Perhaps we're being attacked by hackers.

00:05:31.000 Thank you very much for tuning into the podcast. 0.99

00:05:32.000 I'm sorry we're late, but, you know, shit happens. 0.72

00:05:36.000 We're not very good at starting these things on time. 0.92

00:05:38.000 That's the beautiful thing about the internet is you don't really have to start everything on time.

00:05:43.000 Yeah.

00:05:44.000 Do we have an echo going on in the background?

00:05:46.000 Seems like we do, don't we? 1.00

00:05:47.000 Go see if that shit is on. 1.00

00:05:48.000 I think it is. 1.00

00:05:49.000 Yeah.

00:05:51.000 I can't get this right.

00:05:53.000 I swear to God, we try.

00:05:54.000 We try every week.

00:05:55.000 That's why you're supposed to have, like, engineers.

00:05:57.000 But if you had an engineer here, what if he was a weirdo?

00:06:00.000 You see the big circular thing, Brian?

00:06:04.000 Do you see it?

00:06:05.000 Did you kill it?

00:06:07.000 No, you didn't.

00:06:07.000 See that big circular thing?

00:06:09.000 Touch it, and it shuts off.

00:06:14.000 Okay.

00:06:15.000 Did you do that?

00:06:18.000 Yes.

00:06:20.000 No.

00:06:21.000 No. 1.00

00:06:22.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:06:23.000 Just shut it off, dude. 1.00

00:06:24.000 Shut the computer off.

00:06:25.000 It makes it right when it's off, right?

00:06:26.000 Yes.

00:06:27.000 There we go.

00:06:27.000 God.

00:06:29.000 What kind of a show is this?

00:06:30.000 We have to listen to this, ladies and gentlemen.

00:06:32.000 What have I subjected you to?

00:06:33.000 It's the best shows, though.

00:06:34.000 I apologize.

00:06:35.000 It's the best show sometimes.

00:06:35.000 The best shows are always that we're...

00:06:37.000 What the fuck? 0.98

00:06:38.000 We're just justifying the fact that we're completely unprofessional. 0.99

00:06:41.000 This show, as all, are sponsored by the Fleshlight, ladies and gentlemen. 0.98

00:06:44.000 If you have not fucked one, you do not know what you're missing. 0.97

00:06:46.000 I think that's an official slogan now. 1.00

00:06:48.000 Keep it away from teething dogs. 1.00

00:06:49.000 Outstanding masturbation device, Mr. Callan. 1.00

00:06:52.000 I suggest you use one. 0.99

00:06:53.000 I actually have one for you.

00:06:54.000 I appreciate that.

00:06:55.000 I hope you have one for me.

00:06:56.000 Yeah, I got one that I saved, especially for you.

00:06:59.000 Thank you.

00:07:00.000 You dress it up as a beer can, apparently.

00:07:03.000 Nice. 1.00

00:07:04.000 Or as a pussy. 1.00

00:07:07.000 Here, see? 1.00

00:07:08.000 It looks like a can.

00:07:09.000 Oh, it's hilarious. 0.99

00:07:10.000 So like if you're a closet pervert. 0.95

00:07:12.000 See, because if you got this out, you gotta do some explaining. 0.98

00:07:15.000 You gotta do some explaining.

00:07:17.000 Let me see that.

00:07:18.000 It's worth more if you don't take off the plastic, though.

00:07:20.000 Why is that?

00:07:21.000 Because it's more of a collector's item. 0.99

00:07:23.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:07:25.000 Is it a baseball card, dude? 1.00

00:07:26.000 It's a fake pussy. 1.00

00:07:27.000 I'm not going to use it. 1.00

00:07:29.000 Collecting fake pussies? 0.99

00:07:30.000 That is the craziest thing. 1.00

00:07:31.000 That might be the craziest thing you've ever said.

00:07:33.000 I listened to him.

00:07:34.000 I hesitated.

00:07:35.000 I went like that.

00:07:36.000 Maybe I shouldn't open it.

00:07:38.000 Is that a rookie year natural light?

00:07:40.000 You snapped me out of it. 0.99

00:07:42.000 What is it about people that are into collecting old shit like that and keeping it in the wrapper? 0.98

00:07:46.000 This is the exact way it was made. 0.99

00:07:48.000 I used to do that with comic books.

00:07:49.000 Like old cars?

00:07:51.000 Dude, cars go for a fuckload of money.

00:07:54.000 Like old Corvette, like original Corvette.

00:07:56.000 So do some stamps.

00:07:57.000 And they want original.

00:07:58.000 Everybody wants original radio.

00:08:00.000 They want original steering wheel.

00:08:02.000 All the stuff that sucked.

00:08:03.000 They want all that stuff.

00:08:04.000 I know.

00:08:04.000 I think it's a feeling of nostalgia.

00:08:06.000 It's like you get to touch what was alive back then or what was so cool it kind of brings them back to other memories or something.

00:08:14.000 It's very strange.

00:08:15.000 I've never been a collector, man.

00:08:17.000 Collectors always kind of remind me of people that do other weird stuff.

00:08:19.000 It's a fetish.

00:08:21.000 Not even comic books?

00:08:22.000 When you collect, it's a fetish.

00:08:24.000 Now, it could be stamps, but it could also be like fingers.

00:08:26.000 You know what I mean?

00:08:29.000 But have you ever done comic books?

00:08:30.000 Didn't you used to do comic books?

00:08:31.000 Yes, I used to do comic books.

00:08:33.000 I used to read them, but I never collected them.

00:08:34.000 It was one of my saddest moments of poverty when I was living in Boston, and I was totally broke.

00:08:40.000 I sold all my comic books.

00:08:42.000 Did the exact same thing for rent money?

00:08:44.000 Dude, mine didn't even barely cover my rent.

00:08:46.000 It was boxes and boxes of comic books.

00:08:48.000 I mean, they totally... 1.00

00:08:49.000 Fuck you on the money. 1.00

00:08:50.000 They're worth way more than they pay you for. 1.00

00:08:52.000 But you gotta do what you gotta do.

00:08:53.000 I had like 300 issues of just The Amazing Spider-Man.

00:08:56.000 And I had every single McFarlane.

00:08:58.000 I had like 10 of Todd McFarlane's first time he did Spider-Man.

00:09:02.000 I had weird comic book tastes.

00:09:04.000 I liked Conan.

00:09:06.000 Yes!

00:09:07.000 Because he was a real person.

00:09:08.000 Dude, I used to read his real books.

00:09:10.000 So did I. I read everything Robert E. Howard ever.

00:09:12.000 Yes, that's what I'm talking about!

00:09:13.000 Frank Prezetta did all that. 1.00

00:09:15.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:09:15.000 Those were the best. 1.00

00:09:16.000 I read every single book he ever wrote.

00:09:18.000 And then he killed himself with 30, man. 0.94

00:09:20.000 He was a young guy.

00:09:20.000 He killed himself?

00:09:21.000 Yeah, 30 years old.

00:09:22.000 Wow.

00:09:22.000 That's so awesome that you're into Robert E. Howard.

00:09:24.000 Oh my god.

00:09:25.000 He's actually a great writer.

00:09:26.000 He was a very good writer.

00:09:28.000 That kind of fantasy writing, he was the best at it.

00:09:30.000 He created a whole world, man.

00:09:32.000 Those are good books.

00:09:33.000 Oh my god, the books would start with this epic battle and this giant Sumerian, this guy with this volcanic blue eyes.

00:09:40.000 Finally, some survivor would turn and say, who are you?

00:09:42.000 And he would say, I am Conan.

00:09:47.000 Dude, the Conan books were awesome.

00:09:48.000 I didn't grow up to look like him.

00:09:50.000 That was the heartbreak.

00:09:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:51.000 It was very sad.

00:09:52.000 You set yourself up to such a golden standard.

00:09:54.000 That's dramatic for a Conan.

00:09:56.000 Yeah, it is.

00:09:56.000 That's a boy's first heartbreak.

00:09:57.000 He crushes you.

00:09:58.000 It's to realize I'm never going to be a superhero, man.

00:10:00.000 I'm never going to be a guy who kills dragons with a sword.

00:10:02.000 Right.

00:10:03.000 I don't even get to carry a sword.

00:10:04.000 They're illegal. 1.00

00:10:05.000 He fights demons and shit. 1.00

00:10:05.000 I can't carry a sword. 1.00

00:10:06.000 Dude, if they could make the Conan books into a real movie with a really smart director.

00:10:12.000 The Conan Arnold Schwarzenegger thing was pretty cool.

00:10:15.000 It was pretty cool.

00:10:16.000 It wasn't bad, man.

00:10:17.000 But it was so 80s.

00:10:18.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:10:19.000 You got a movie that was done based...

00:10:22.000 Like The Hobbit.

00:10:23.000 Like Peter Jackson would do it or something.

00:10:25.000 Get him to really invest in Conan.

00:10:27.000 Conan was like this freak warrior that just...

00:10:30.000 Always.

00:10:30.000 And it was always an epic.

00:10:31.000 Oh, there were awesome stories.

00:10:33.000 It was always a journey.

00:10:33.000 And he always learned something at the end of the book, which was that, you know...

00:10:38.000 Steel makes right.

00:10:40.000 Isn't it fascinating, man, that that dude who wrote it, Robert E. Howard, was just completely depressed?

00:10:45.000 Yeah.

00:10:46.000 Killed himself in his car.

00:10:47.000 I believe shot himself in his car at 30. Just fucking couldn't take it. 1.00

00:10:50.000 Just wanted off the planet. 0.99

00:10:51.000 Wanted off.

00:10:52.000 This guy was like, well, I mean, for that genre, one of the best writers ever.

00:10:55.000 Really fun stuff, man.

00:10:57.000 Really cool stuff to read. 0.99

00:10:58.000 I loved that shit when I was a kid. 0.99

00:11:00.000 But he also, he lived in that fantasy world, and I guess, you know... 1.00

00:11:02.000 Did Conan fuck Red Sonja? 1.00

00:11:05.000 I'm sure he fucked everything. 1.00

00:11:07.000 If he met her, he fucked her. 1.00

00:11:09.000 For sure. 1.00

00:11:10.000 Correct.

00:11:11.000 100%.

00:11:11.000 Of course he did.

00:11:12.000 If he met her, she just jumped on his dick like it was a grenade. 1.00

00:11:15.000 Immediately. 1.00

00:11:16.000 She was a brave soldier.

00:11:17.000 Listen, man.

00:11:18.000 That's Conan.

00:11:19.000 Conan was the king of the world. 1.00

00:11:21.000 He's like the baddest motherfucker ever. 0.99

00:11:22.000 That was the best thing about the Conan series. 1.00

00:11:24.000 You knew no matter what.

00:11:25.000 Just settle down, son.

00:11:27.000 Conan got it.

00:11:28.000 He got this.

00:11:28.000 What was the worst part of the Conan series?

00:11:30.000 What was the part of Conan that you hated, though?

00:11:32.000 I didn't hate it.

00:11:33.000 Was there a part?

00:11:33.000 Nothing.

00:11:33.000 Was there a guy?

00:11:34.000 How about nothing?

00:11:35.000 Perfectly written.

00:11:35.000 Really?

00:11:36.000 He used to pray to Krom, which was this guy who lived in the center of the earth.

00:11:39.000 And you know what he used to ask Krom?

00:11:41.000 Because you couldn't ask Krom.

00:11:43.000 You couldn't ask Krom.

00:11:44.000 For forgiveness.

00:11:45.000 Yeah, because he was a restless guy.

00:11:46.000 The only thing he ever asked Krom of was a fighting chance.

00:11:51.000 He just wanted a chance.

00:11:52.000 They'd just give me a sliver of a chance.

00:11:54.000 To die well.

00:11:54.000 Yeah, I want to die well.

00:11:55.000 Yeah.

00:11:56.000 That's what every man...

00:11:57.000 Son! 1.00

00:11:58.000 To be brave in the face of fucking evil monsters and demons and shit. 1.00

00:12:03.000 Every man's fantasy is to be a hero. 1.00

00:12:04.000 Every man's fear is that he's a coward.

00:12:05.000 He got it all locked up, man. 0.88

00:12:07.000 He had it all locked up. 1.00

00:12:08.000 In his brain, you know, his depressed brain, he created this intense fucking fantasy world. 0.98

00:12:15.000 Yeah, and because in a way, what he was talking about is somewhat timeless, you know? 0.99

00:12:19.000 It's almost like just energy.

00:12:21.000 He found a path for it.

00:12:23.000 All the depression for whatever was fucked up in his life, he figured out a way to divert it in this other direction.

00:12:28.000 This huge, fantastical world. 1.00

00:12:31.000 This fantastic world of fucking monsters and witchcraft and sword battles and this fucking gigantic brawny, tan, brawn-skinned man. 1.00

00:12:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:41.000 Fucking just slaughtering people. 1.00

00:12:43.000 Yeah, he used to call it cutting a path of crimson. 1.00

00:12:46.000 Cutting a crimson path.

00:12:48.000 He used morning stars. 1.00

00:12:50.000 Yeah, he had to have to survive in the fucking woods by eating pigeons, throwing rocks at them, and eating them raw and shit. 0.99

00:12:57.000 Dude, some of those stories were awesome. 1.00

00:12:59.000 Yeah, I just go to the supermarket. 0.99

00:13:01.000 Damn it. 1.00

00:13:02.000 Those stories are fucking awesome. 1.00

00:13:04.000 Those stories were the shit. 1.00

00:13:06.000 They really were. 1.00

00:13:07.000 When I was a kid, I used to do magic tricks.

00:13:10.000 I had a little magic show in Fisherman's Wharf and I would do it so I'd get money for comic books.

00:13:15.000 I do like, yeah, put on a show.

00:13:16.000 I was like eight years old.

00:13:17.000 I used to put on a wig and do some dancing.

00:13:20.000 Well, I saw all these street performers in San Francisco.

00:13:23.000 And I got a box, like a magic box, you know, like for Christmas. 0.99

00:13:28.000 It's like, you know, a bunch of card tricks and a bunch of shit in it. 0.97

00:13:31.000 So I brought the box with me and I said, I don't know what I'll do. 0.99

00:13:33.000 I'll get a cape.

00:13:34.000 I'll put a hat on.

00:13:34.000 I'll look cute.

00:13:35.000 Like I was aware I would look cute.

00:13:36.000 I was like eight.

00:13:37.000 I was like a little eight-year-old criminal.

00:13:40.000 That's great. 0.96

00:13:40.000 A hustler. 0.96

00:13:41.000 Yeah.

00:13:41.000 And so that's how I first started performing.

00:13:45.000 Really?

00:13:46.000 For comic books.

00:13:46.000 Because I was addicted to comic books.

00:13:48.000 And what kind of magic would you do?

00:13:51.000 It was terrible.

00:13:53.000 It was cute because I was eight.

00:13:54.000 And I was by myself.

00:13:57.000 Here's a question.

00:13:59.000 If you could be, if I could give you one magical quality, one, what would it be?

00:14:07.000 What is this, a date?

00:14:09.000 Yes, it is.

00:14:10.000 Yes, it is. 0.92

00:14:11.000 Is this a ridiculous date with a contrived date? 0.94

00:14:13.000 All right. 0.93

00:14:14.000 I think obviously it would be flying.

00:14:16.000 I thought you were going to give me a profound answer and you're like, is this a date?

00:14:18.000 Is this a date with a guy who pretends to be a palm reader?

00:14:21.000 Is this a date with a guy who believes in crystals?

00:14:23.000 Give me your hand.

00:14:23.000 What happened when you were six?

00:14:25.000 A guy who believes in crystals?

00:14:27.000 I'm a healer.

00:14:28.000 If you could have one superpower.

00:14:30.000 There's one thing.

00:14:31.000 What would it be?

00:14:32.000 What would it be?

00:14:35.000 I don't know, man.

00:14:36.000 If I really could think about it.

00:14:37.000 I want to look like one of those myostatin cows. 0.89

00:14:40.000 At first, I want to say flying, but I'm so afraid of heights.

00:14:43.000 You wouldn't fly, though.

00:14:43.000 I feel like I would only fly five feet above this sky.

00:14:45.000 You wouldn't fly.

00:14:46.000 It wouldn't matter.

00:14:46.000 You'd get somewhere, I guess, 15 minutes early.

00:14:48.000 Is there really that many places to really be?

00:14:50.000 Not really.

00:14:51.000 And you wouldn't fly.

00:14:52.000 You'd be all sweaty.

00:14:53.000 It just seems cool.

00:14:53.000 You'd get hit in the head with birds and bugs.

00:14:55.000 It's hard to take magic power serious after you've had a real good mushroom trip.

00:15:00.000 Yeah.

00:15:01.000 Yeah, magic powers. 0.99

00:15:03.000 DMT is way crazier than any fucking magic trick anybody could ever do. 0.98

00:15:07.000 What if I said to you, you could see five minutes into the future for every time? 0.99

00:15:13.000 You were kind of on five minutes delay. 0.97

00:15:14.000 Yeah, that'd be great and everything, but then you'd be this douchebag who just knew about everything. 0.73

00:15:18.000 Yeah, you'd never have any surprises. 0.61

00:15:19.000 It's like you'd try to tell people, and they're like, how do you know?

00:15:21.000 How come I don't know?

00:15:22.000 People would hate on you.

00:15:23.000 Believe me, man.

00:15:24.000 The last thing you'd want to know is the future.

00:15:27.000 Why didn't you tell me I was going to die?

00:15:30.000 My father could have been saved if you told us not to get on the train, Dad.

00:15:32.000 Yeah, but what if you could change the future? 1.00

00:15:34.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:15:35.000 We're going to change everything, man? 1.00

00:15:36.000 What do you do?

00:15:37.000 Are you going to keep people alive forever?

00:15:38.000 You lose adventure.

00:15:39.000 Well, not only that, man.

00:15:40.000 The reality is this is a temporary experience.

00:15:43.000 We know it.

00:15:44.000 It's on paper.

00:15:45.000 It's been proven.

00:15:46.000 It's documented.

00:15:47.000 I really liked what you were saying about...

00:15:49.000 In that thing we just listened to about how people know.

00:15:52.000 They really do know the answers of how to take care of themselves.

00:15:55.000 It's getting out of their own way.

00:15:56.000 And it's always what I – it brings me back to what I always talk about when you have Mayor Bloomberg who wants to outlaw trans fats in food or when Washington or any government agency wants to legislate good health, whether it's making drugs for people and stuff like that.

00:16:11.000 Well, you're not going to make people healthier.

00:16:14.000 People know the answer.

00:16:16.000 There are a lot of really smart people that smoke cigarettes and eat a lot of fatty foods. 1.00

00:16:20.000 You can't protect people from shit, yeah. 1.00

00:16:21.000 But they're doing it. 0.99

00:16:23.000 It doesn't mean they don't know it's bad for them.

00:16:25.000 There's a whole other question.

00:16:27.000 It's why don't people dare to be the best they can be?

00:16:31.000 Why?

00:16:32.000 Is it because it takes effort or is it more of a courage issue?

00:16:36.000 Are you afraid of what you might find or not find as a result?

00:16:40.000 That's really the question.

00:16:42.000 Yeah, there's a lot of distractions going on with us.

00:16:44.000 People sabotage themselves all the time.

00:16:46.000 I see it all the time. 1.00

00:16:47.000 Yeah, you create all sorts of bad habits so you don't have to deal with your own bullshit. 1.00

00:16:51.000 But I'm all for personal choice, man. 0.99

00:16:54.000 I think it's very important that we encourage personal choice.

00:16:56.000 Absolutely.

00:16:57.000 You appreciate it much more if you earn it.

00:16:59.000 I'm writing this book, and one of the things that I wrote about this book, the only thing I'm really proud of, of anything that I've ever done in my life, is my peace of mind.

00:17:08.000 That I know that I worked on.

00:17:10.000 That I know that I got there because I grew up in a very fucked up, turmoil-filled life, and I figured out a way to navigate it. 0.89

00:17:19.000 To become a happy person. 0.92

00:17:20.000 It's like one of the only things that I'm proud of.

00:17:23.000 Yeah, I think that knowing you for as long as I've known you, which is going on 16 years, I think that's a huge...

00:17:28.000 I absolutely see that transformation.

00:17:31.000 Because you used to be so intense, and you used to look at the world, I think, as just full of barbs and thorns.

00:17:37.000 And you were always on the defensive, always ready. 0.97

00:17:39.000 Because I remember we'd be hanging out, and somebody would say something stupid, which you always run into. 0.98

00:17:44.000 And I... And you just, it was so hard for you to deal. 0.98

00:17:49.000 You just, you just immediately call them out on their ridiculous, like, two plus two is 15. And unicorns live in my backyard.

00:17:56.000 And I'd go, that's great. 1.00

00:17:57.000 And you'd go, bullshit! 1.00

00:17:59.000 I don't like this person! 1.00

00:18:01.000 And I'd be like, ah, what do I do with this uncomfortable confrontation?

00:18:05.000 You used to hang out with some knuckleheads, though, in all fairness.

00:18:08.000 I really did.

00:18:09.000 In all fairness.

00:18:09.000 I really did.

00:18:10.000 You were hanging out with some crazy people. 0.73

00:18:12.000 True. 0.79

00:18:12.000 And I am not that way with reasonable, rational people, but when I'm there with meth heads, and I know someone's a meth head, and I'm like, um, something's wrong here. 0.79

00:18:21.000 I smell something.

00:18:22.000 Stop! 1.00

00:18:23.000 This is not normal conversation we're having here.

00:18:25.000 We got an issue. 1.00

00:18:26.000 We're not going to deal with how crazy this bitch is? 1.00

00:18:28.000 And I'd be like, I can't see anything! 1.00

00:18:30.000 We would be out with one of Brian's friends, and it would occur to me like five minutes into the conversation, okay, this is like a crazed fucking half-homeless criminal we're hanging out with. 0.98

00:18:38.000 I'm like, okay, we have to deal with this. 0.99

00:18:40.000 Nah, she's not having it. 0.99

00:18:41.000 Everything's good.

00:18:42.000 Nah, she's cool, she's cool. 0.94

00:18:43.000 She's just a little nervous today.

00:18:44.000 I blame it on that.

00:18:45.000 Yeah, she gets weird around people.

00:18:48.000 Yeah, you're an intense guy.

00:18:49.000 She gets weird around you. 1.00

00:18:50.000 She's fucking meth. 1.00

00:18:51.000 She's starstruck. 1.00

00:18:52.000 You're like, she's doing meth. 1.00

00:18:53.000 Fucking mind, bro. 1.00

00:18:55.000 I'm like, there's a monster disconnect here with this chick. 1.00

00:18:58.000 Meanwhile, I really did find meth in her purse.

00:19:00.000 Yeah, of course you did.

00:19:02.000 Meanwhile, she ruined my life.

00:19:03.000 Yeah, it was a wreck.

00:19:04.000 Good job, Brian.

00:19:05.000 I tried to talk him out of it.

00:19:06.000 Nah.

00:19:06.000 Do you remember?

00:19:07.000 When I was younger, I'd be like, oh, that girl comes from a nice family.

00:19:09.000 I'll take the girl with the bat tattooed on her face and the track marks, please. 1.00

00:19:13.000 This is how crazy this girl was. 1.00

00:19:14.000 This is how crazy this was.

00:19:16.000 It was Brian and I met her at a bar.

00:19:19.000 And he told me, I want you to meet this girl I've been seeing.

00:19:22.000 She's really cool.

00:19:22.000 So I go and I meet him at the bar.

00:19:24.000 I talk to her for...

00:19:26.000 Three, four seconds?

00:19:27.000 Three or four seconds. 1.00

00:19:28.000 She turns and walks away, and I looked at him, and I go, she's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:19:33.000 I go, that girl's crazy. 1.00

00:19:35.000 I go, let's get out of here right now. 1.00

00:19:37.000 I go, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:19:38.000 I go, you need to just change your number, shut your fucking phone off, let's go, let's get out of here. 1.00

00:19:43.000 It's like, nah, she's fine. 1.00

00:19:45.000 She's cool, no, she's not going to stick with that.

00:19:46.000 You know how you have a friend who you love to death, but for some reason, like, he doesn't have those John Carpenter glasses?

00:19:52.000 Yeah.

00:19:52.000 From the thing.

00:19:53.000 He can't fucking see it. 1.00

00:19:55.000 Everybody else can see that this bitch is crazy. 1.00

00:19:57.000 He could not see it. 1.00

00:19:58.000 He did not have the glasses.

00:19:59.000 Well, I just chose not to see it.

00:20:00.000 Well, you didn't just choose not to see it.

00:20:03.000 You would glaze over and become like a project.

00:20:07.000 I'm locked into this.

00:20:08.000 This is a project for me.

00:20:09.000 I'm working with her.

00:20:10.000 I'm trying to help her.

00:20:10.000 I want to change her.

00:20:13.000 I was like crazy survival boy.

00:20:16.000 I was like, we gotta get out of here, man.

00:20:18.000 But you were always right.

00:20:19.000 Because I would have saved a lot of effort and time.

00:20:22.000 You're a healer, Brian.

00:20:22.000 I don't have healer instincts.

00:20:24.000 I have run away from monster instincts.

00:20:26.000 Yeah, but healer instincts are phony too because what I was trying to do was I just wanted a project where it was like I was the guy of the savior.

00:20:31.000 It was a very selfish arrangement in a way.

00:20:34.000 No, don't blame yourself.

00:20:35.000 I mean, you're being critical by saying it was selfish, but it's just a faction of all of these things.

00:20:40.000 All these crazy behaviors are just from our childhood.

00:20:43.000 It's all it is.

00:20:43.000 Yeah, I think you're right.

00:20:44.000 That's what it is.

00:20:44.000 I mean, you did not like the way you were raised, and you were trying to literally raise a chick.

00:20:50.000 You were trying to literally guide them. 1.00

00:20:52.000 I mean, you know, and fuck them. 1.00

00:20:53.000 Yeah, and fuck them. 1.00

00:20:55.000 I mean, that's important. 1.00

00:20:55.000 That's part of the guidance. 1.00

00:20:56.000 A huge part of it.

00:20:57.000 It's part of the guidance.

00:20:58.000 It's part of the power.

00:20:58.000 You have to lie down on your stomach and march your back.

00:21:00.000 It's part of the connection to the universe.

00:21:02.000 Yeah.

00:21:02.000 Such a...

00:21:03.000 And fuck them. 1.00

00:21:04.000 And fuck them. 1.00

00:21:05.000 What a... 1.00

00:21:06.000 Crazy fucking... 1.00

00:21:07.000 It occurred to me. 1.00

00:21:08.000 Remember when I told you this?

00:21:09.000 It occurred to me that the girls I was dating in LA, I was like...

00:21:12.000 I looked at their last four relationships and I was like, wow.

00:21:15.000 All four relationships.

00:21:17.000 All of those girls, for me, they were all essentially... 1.00

00:21:20.000 a high-tech pet.

00:21:22.000 They were not people.

00:21:28.000 They were high-tech pets.

00:21:31.000 I had to feed them.

00:21:32.000 I had to be nice to them and pet them.

00:21:35.000 I had to go.

00:21:36.000 I had to talk to them like little cuties. 1.00

00:21:38.000 And then I had to fuck them. 1.00

00:21:39.000 And who hasn't thrown a wig on the dog? 1.00

00:21:41.000 You know, the point is...

00:21:42.000 It's all about hacking them now.

00:21:45.000 Oh my god, that's so true.

00:21:47.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 It's so true.

00:21:48.000 It was weird.

00:21:49.000 Brian is one of the...

00:21:50.000 Well, his current woman aside, she's very nice.

00:21:53.000 And he's had a few in the past that were very nice.

00:21:55.000 It's not all of them.

00:21:56.000 You know, Patty Jenkins is one of the coolest humans on the planet. 1.00

00:21:58.000 No doubt. 0.99

00:21:59.000 But Brian has been the smartest guy that I know that has dated the dumbest chicks. 0.99

00:22:06.000 I mean, just straight... 1.00

00:22:08.000 Not just dumb. 0.99

00:22:09.000 Crazy, though. 1.00

00:22:10.000 Straight, just nothing.

00:22:12.000 How about my girl, this girl...

00:22:15.000 Don't say anything.

00:22:16.000 My girl, Tina, who lived with me.

00:22:21.000 She didn't know who Freud was.

00:22:23.000 She didn't know who Freud was.

00:22:24.000 She was 30. And then she thought, and this was an actress, she thought that Shakespeare lived in biblical times.

00:22:32.000 I was like, hey, hey, you're already in my house.

00:22:34.000 How do I go through this eviction?

00:22:36.000 It took a year.

00:22:37.000 Oh my god.

00:22:38.000 See if I can procrastinate the ending of this relationship for the next two years.

00:22:41.000 Wow.

00:22:42.000 Well, you know what?

00:22:42.000 There's nothing wrong with not knowing something.

00:22:45.000 Well, yeah.

00:22:45.000 You just get older, though, and you start learning.

00:22:47.000 It seems like you should know that.

00:22:48.000 The main thing is to get older and learn.

00:22:50.000 Learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones.

00:22:54.000 But, you know, the problem is a lot of people get programmed a certain way as they're growing up, and it's very hard to shake off their programming.

00:23:00.000 Sometimes it's better to have no programming, as I think you did and I did, where you just kind of were left alone to figure out life by yourself.

00:23:08.000 Sometimes I think that's better than having shitty programming. 0.98

00:23:11.000 Because if a girl grows up with shitty programming where there's a lot of dumb people around her all the time offering their dumb thoughts and she's with dumb people all day instead of being left alone. 0.98

00:23:19.000 Yeah, I think the reason that I didn't grow up that way necessarily is I lived in so many different countries. 0.98

00:23:24.000 I was always literally moved.

00:23:26.000 I thought about it.

00:23:27.000 This is the truth.

00:23:29.000 I didn't live anywhere for more than… For the first 30 years of my life, actually 33 years of my life, I didn't live in one place for more than a year and a half.

00:23:39.000 I literally had moved every year to a year and a half, and a lot of times it was a totally different culture, continent, but I think that didn't allow me to get pigeonholed, or I was exposed to so many different cultures and ideas that you have to kind of keep reshifting and adjusting your paradigm.

00:23:54.000 Because what you think is a preconceived notion, for example, You get this idea of what a lot of people say, well, that's my idea of what an Arab is, that's my idea of what a Jew is, that's my idea of whatever it is.

00:24:04.000 When you're exposed constantly to different people in totally different settings, what you really actually learn to do as a child is empathize with those people.

00:24:13.000 Because you start to realize, yeah, they're different, but they're exactly the same.

00:24:16.000 Did you find yourself being a chameleon?

00:24:19.000 And blending into the new environment.

00:24:22.000 My dad used to say, my father said to me when I was 15, he said, I've never seen anyone ever be a bigger chameleon.

00:24:31.000 He said, your ability to ingratiate yourself and find your way into any situation, find a hole in any situation, he said, I remember his first comment he ever gave me, he never even gave me a comment.

00:24:40.000 He said, it's remarkable.

00:24:43.000 He goes, I've never seen anything like it in my life.

00:24:45.000 He saw me like, I was in Switzerland or something, and I just had no friends.

00:24:50.000 I was a chameleon.

00:24:51.000 We moved from New Jersey to San Francisco to Florida to Boston.

00:24:56.000 And that's why your accents, by the way, a lot of people don't know one thing about you.

00:24:59.000 Your accents are as good as anybody's.

00:25:01.000 And that's probably because you developed an ear.

00:25:03.000 Well, I learned about my own.

00:25:05.000 Rhythm and pacing.

00:25:06.000 I won the Bay State Games Taekwondo tournament, and they put me on television.

00:25:10.000 The first time I was on television, and I was 19. And I heard myself on TV. I was talking about my instructor, Mr. Mike O'Malley.

00:25:17.000 And I was saying, me and Mr. O'Malley, we've been working out really hard.

00:25:21.000 And I heard my accent. 0.99

00:25:23.000 I was like, that is the grossest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. 0.99

00:25:27.000 I had like a fake Boston accent. 0.99

00:25:29.000 I mean, I had a Boston accent.

00:25:30.000 But yeah, I was so disappointed in myself that I picked it up that quickly.

00:25:33.000 I'd only lived in Boston for like three years, and all of a sudden I had this crazy accent.

00:25:37.000 Well, but that comes, I think, from having an ear for the music of any situation.

00:25:41.000 Actually, it was six years by then.

00:25:41.000 Six years by then that I'd be in Boston.

00:25:43.000 But six years, and I developed like a hard.

00:25:45.000 I'm saying hard.

00:25:46.000 Sure, sure. 0.98

00:25:46.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

00:25:47.000 Sure. 0.96

00:25:47.000 We're social animals, though, too, you know? 0.96

00:25:49.000 So I dropped it.

00:25:50.000 I learned and I dropped it. 0.89

00:25:52.000 But hearing myself on TV made me consider my accent and how ridiculous it was.

00:25:57.000 I was affecting an accent to fit in.

00:26:00.000 Does it ever come out out of the blue, though?

00:26:02.000 Well, there's some Boston for sure.

00:26:04.000 I mean, I lived in Boston.

00:26:05.000 Boston's where I grew up.

00:26:06.000 If you talk about my formative years, my formative years are 13 to 24. I lived in Boston.

00:26:12.000 13 to 23, something like that.

00:26:14.000 That's a long time.

00:26:14.000 That's 10 years.

00:26:16.000 That's growing up.

00:26:17.000 If I think about a hometown, Boston's definitely my hometown.

00:26:20.000 Boston's a rough town, by the way.

00:26:21.000 We just had the UFC in Boston. 0.99

00:26:23.000 There was no less than 11 bench-clearing brawls in the fucking stands. 0.99

00:26:28.000 I mean, full-on soccer kicks, pride style. 1.00

00:26:32.000 There's stories on the internet of people getting their fucking heads stomped. 0.99

00:26:35.000 There's all kinds of crazy stories. 1.00

00:26:37.000 They're nuts! 0.63

00:26:38.000 So this was at the UFC, in the stands? 1.00

00:26:39.000 Dude, Boston is filled with savages. 0.94

00:26:42.000 Yeah, it's true. 1.00

00:26:43.000 They're savages. 0.55

00:26:44.000 They're amazing.

00:26:44.000 I've never lived in a place where people were so quick to scrap.

00:26:47.000 It's why a lot of good comics come out of Boston, though, because to be able to deal with those crowds, those cynical crowds, and navigate your way through that...

00:26:53.000 Yeah, we've talked about it on this show many, many times with other Boston guys like Bill Burr and Dane Cook, and it's the place where...

00:27:00.000 It's like the proving ground for comedy.

00:27:02.000 There were so many good comics that came out of there.

00:27:04.000 That's one of the reasons.

00:27:05.000 You had to be so on your toes to make those guys laugh.

00:27:08.000 And if they turned on you, it was over.

00:27:11.000 If a Boston crowd turns on you and starts booing, there's no rational thinking involved. 1.00

00:27:15.000 If you go on stage with a fucking Yankee shirt on, they're just going to start throwing shit at you. 1.00

00:27:19.000 We're not going to talk about this. 1.00

00:27:20.000 Hey, come on, guys.

00:27:21.000 I like New York.

00:27:22.000 You like Boston.

00:27:23.000 What's the big deal? 1.00

00:27:23.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:27:24.000 Fuck you, queer! 1.00

00:27:25.000 They'll fucking throw glasses at you. 1.00

00:27:27.000 They'll give me shit. 1.00

00:27:28.000 They'll all together decide to beat the fuck out of you. 1.00

00:27:31.000 It won't be like one guy does it. 0.94

00:27:33.000 Yeah, the other people go, hey, we shouldn't do this.

00:27:36.000 No, they'd all go, yeah, get him!

00:27:37.000 The way I school the fish knows to turn.

00:27:39.000 Yeah, dude, they'll break your windows if you're driving by with a New York license plate in your car. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Like, they're fucking crazy. 0.99

00:27:47.000 Guys, haven't you read God and His Autobiography? 1.00

00:27:49.000 Yeah, but there's something about that.

00:27:51.000 That town has a great sense of humor, man.

00:27:53.000 It has a great sense of humor because I think they live in the truth in a way. 0.92

00:27:56.000 You can't bullshit your way into Boston. 0.95

00:27:59.000 You show up in a pair of leather pants. 0.99

00:28:01.000 Hey, guys, I just bought these leather pants. 1.00

00:28:03.000 What the fuck are you doing? 0.99

00:28:04.000 Get those on! 1.00

00:28:05.000 I told you, my buddy Carmine Profesano in New York is a little bit like that.

00:28:09.000 I'd been in Paris, and this woman, this really sexy saleswoman, told me that I looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in this leather jacket.

00:28:17.000 And I was like, I do?

00:28:19.000 I must have gotten that.

00:28:20.000 I literally, like, I've heard myself going, I must.

00:28:22.000 I think I put on muscle life in Paris.

00:28:24.000 For real. 1.00

00:28:25.000 Like, I literally, this is what an idiot I am. 1.00

00:28:27.000 This is how badly I've always wanted to be built like a guy like that. 1.00

00:28:30.000 So I go, I'll buy the jacket.

00:28:32.000 And it was at the time, it was like $400.

00:28:34.000 I did not have any money. 0.88

00:28:35.000 It was like, that's ridiculous.

00:28:35.000 She goes, you know what would go really well?

00:28:37.000 I was like, quoi?

00:28:39.000 Which means what in French.

00:28:41.000 She goes, these leather pants! 0.82

00:28:44.000 And of course, I'm like, you're right!

00:28:47.000 And her pants, exactly what's missing from my life! 1.00

00:28:50.000 Now I'm really going to get girls. 0.99

00:28:51.000 By the way, I wasn't 16, I was like 24. So I literally show up, I literally...

00:28:58.000 Oh, by the way, I had to get boots that went with them because they didn't really fit.

00:29:01.000 So I had these boots that go with these pants and these chocolate, chocolate, milk chocolate leather, thick leather pants.

00:29:10.000 Not suede. 1.00

00:29:11.000 Fucking leather! 1.00

00:29:12.000 Okay? 1.00

00:29:13.000 Like couch leather pants.

00:29:15.000 So, my buddies.

00:29:18.000 How much did they weigh?

00:29:20.000 Uh, way too much.

00:29:22.000 They were so thick, I could have run through a thornbrier and been fine.

00:29:26.000 Really?

00:29:27.000 Yeah, really!

00:29:28.000 They were literally, I remember them being so thick, I was like trying to get into them, I was supposed to stretch them, it was a disaster. 0.98

00:29:34.000 And literally, I walk out, and my buddies, I think Carmine and Eddie McCann, Donnie Gannon, I mean all these like Irish and Italian guys from New York, Carmine goes, what the fuck has he got on his legs? 0.82

00:29:46.000 And I'm like, oh, these are from Paris. 0.93

00:29:48.000 Before I even got Paris out, they were on me pulling my pants off, just getting them off me to throw out the window. 0.99

00:29:55.000 Yeah, and then we fucked. 0.99

00:29:58.000 Oh, sorry. 0.99

00:29:59.000 Sorry.

00:30:00.000 I mean, erase.

00:30:02.000 Is this on a delay?

00:30:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:30:03.000 We got it.

00:30:04.000 Dude, imagine if that's all people wore.

00:30:07.000 Just animal skins.

00:30:08.000 That's my joke.

00:30:10.000 I'm always like, yeah, that's so soft.

00:30:13.000 What is that?

00:30:13.000 And the first girls go, where'd you buy that?

00:30:15.000 I'm like, buy it. 0.68

00:30:16.000 I caught it, killed it, and made it. 0.99

00:30:18.000 Oh my god, that's so fucking soft. 1.00

00:30:20.000 What kind of fur is that? 0.99

00:30:22.000 Puppy.

00:30:24.000 No, that's mean.

00:30:25.000 But if they had chicken heads, we'd wear them.

00:30:27.000 It was pretty funny until that, and then it gets sad.

00:30:28.000 That's what I do, and then I go, yeah, but you know what?

00:30:31.000 I would never do that, but they're easy to catch. 1.00

00:30:33.000 Have you seen that horrible video online where those 4chan guys are after that bitch that was throwing fucking puppies? 1.00

00:30:38.000 I hope they catch that bitch, and I hope they fucking happy face her. 1.00

00:30:42.000 There's a chick who had a bucket full of puppies, man, and she walks up to a river and starts throwing the puppies in the water. 1.00

00:30:47.000 The puppies are yiping.

00:30:48.000 Where did it take place?

00:30:49.000 What country?

00:30:49.000 Uh...

00:30:50.000 Fuck, I can't remember. 1.00

00:30:51.000 I don't know what country. 1.00

00:30:52.000 You can find it, but 4chan is this internet, you know, it's a website filled with fucking psychos. 0.99

00:30:56.000 Great website. 0.99

00:30:57.000 I love it.

00:30:58.000 Great website.

00:30:59.000 The best website in the world, Joe. 1.00

00:31:01.000 They have some funny shit that comes out of it, man. 0.98

00:31:02.000 What's that website? 1.00

00:31:03.000 4chan.

00:31:04.000 That's where, like, the LOL cat meme, it all came from that. 1.00

00:31:08.000 You know, those really hilarious cats that say, like, stupid, like, almost Ebonics shit. 1.00

00:31:13.000 Right. 1.00

00:31:14.000 It's all from...

00:31:15.000 Says what?

00:31:16.000 You know, like, and you see it, like, it fits funny in a thread.

00:31:19.000 It's one of the best websites ever.

00:31:20.000 Really? 1.00

00:31:21.000 That's one of the funnest things about the internet, is these little fucking, uh, nigga, you gay? 1.00

00:31:25.000 You know, like, things that people just know when to insert. 1.00

00:31:28.000 It's the photoshops. 0.99

00:31:29.000 It's a fucking, like, a reoccurring joke, though. 0.97

00:31:31.000 Like, people will save them, you know, and you'll find them online. 0.99

00:31:35.000 Like, there's a lot of really funny ones that you can, this, you know, this thread smells gay, you know, and someone's spraying, uh, Lysol in the air. 0.89

00:31:42.000 One thing though, tip, if you go to 4chan's website, put it on private surfing mode on your browser or just clear your cache and delete your computer when you're done going to that website because you'll do some crazy shit at that website. 0.93

00:31:53.000 Did you hear about this website?

00:31:54.000 So what?

00:31:55.000 You think they're illegal?

00:31:55.000 There's a lot of illegal stuff on that website.

00:31:57.000 Alright, let's not mention that.

00:31:58.000 We don't want anybody getting locked up in the pokey.

00:32:00.000 Just be careful.

00:32:01.000 Did you hear about this website?

00:32:03.000 I was just at Parlor Live in Seattle.

00:32:05.000 By the way, that's a great club.

00:32:06.000 Have you ever done that?

00:32:07.000 Parlor Live?

00:32:08.000 In Seattle?

00:32:08.000 Yeah, it's really, really awesome.

00:32:10.000 I've only done The Underground, that small place in Seattle.

00:32:13.000 Oh no, this new place, they pack it in.

00:32:15.000 And I did a theater there.

00:32:16.000 They pack it in and it's run by this guy Ruben.

00:32:19.000 How many seats is it?

00:32:21.000 It's probably like a solid 300, but it's a smart group because they're all Microsoft people.

00:32:27.000 It's really cool.

00:32:28.000 It's up in Bellevue where Microsoft is.

00:32:31.000 You get a really cool, eclectic, but pretty educated audience.

00:32:37.000 I don't know.

00:32:38.000 It's kind of refreshing.

00:32:38.000 I love that.

00:32:39.000 I like that about San Francisco.

00:32:40.000 Yeah, man.

00:32:41.000 And so, anyway, but one of the comics that was there, poor girl, she was married and found out her husband was having an affair. 0.94

00:32:49.000 And the reason she found out was because there's a website called Dolly Madison or something for married people if they want to have affairs. 1.00

00:32:56.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:32:56.000 Holly Madison.

00:32:57.000 Holly Madison.

00:32:58.000 Yeah, Holly Madison.

00:32:59.000 And he had his profile on there.

00:33:03.000 It's like, way to get caught, dude.

00:33:04.000 She was like, my husband's looking for, this is weird, you know.

00:33:10.000 How hilarious is that?

00:33:11.000 That someone came up with a website for people that want to cheat.

00:33:14.000 Yeah, for other married people.

00:33:16.000 So married people want to cheat on other married people. 0.99

00:33:17.000 It's like, hey, I'm married.

00:33:19.000 You're married, too.

00:33:19.000 Let's go bang!

00:33:20.000 People are crazy. 0.97

00:33:21.000 That's great. 0.99

00:33:23.000 That's scary.

00:33:23.000 Anyway.

00:33:24.000 What's scary is that the guy was so dumb that he would create a fucking profile with his real name? 1.00

00:33:30.000 Yeah, with his real name and picture. 1.00

00:33:32.000 Hey! 0.99

00:33:33.000 He put his pictures on my profile.

00:33:35.000 It's IWantToGetCaught.com!

00:33:36.000 Oh, my God.

00:33:38.000 Yeah.

00:33:40.000 Did you see that Twitter that I put out the other day?

00:33:43.000 There was a website using HTML 5.0, and it's called thewildernessdowntown.com.

00:33:51.000 Somebody else tweeted that.

00:33:52.000 Did you do it?

00:33:52.000 No.

00:33:53.000 Check it out.

00:33:54.000 Thewildernessdowntown.com.

00:33:55.000 You put in your address, like the place you grew up in.

00:33:58.000 And what it does is it takes Google Street View maps and it mixes it with videos of people running down streets.

00:34:06.000 And it shows aerial views zooming into your house like it's in a helicopter.

00:34:10.000 And it just uses it from this one address. 0.99

00:34:12.000 And it's fucking trippy. 0.96

00:34:14.000 I mean, it's not as cool after a few minutes. 0.98

00:34:16.000 You get the tricks and everything like that.

00:34:18.000 But at first, you're sitting there going, wow, this is badass.

00:34:21.000 So check it out.

00:34:21.000 It's the wilderness downtown.

00:34:23.000 They're just preparing us.

00:34:24.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:34:24.000 They're preparing us for the one state of total connectivity where the whole fucking world is connected together. 0.98

00:34:30.000 When the world wakes up. 0.96

00:34:31.000 It's called the singularity.

00:34:33.000 That's what they call it.

00:34:33.000 Kurtzweil, right?

00:34:34.000 Yeah.

00:34:35.000 Yeah, the idea that there's going to come some sort of a connection.

00:34:38.000 A neural hub, right?

00:34:38.000 Yeah.

00:34:39.000 A neural global hub.

00:34:40.000 Well, I think that's one of the reasons why people hate deception so much and people hate lies so much is that everyone's trying to figure life out.

00:34:50.000 And it doesn't help.

00:34:50.000 If you find out that someone's not being honest.

00:34:53.000 You can help me, your revelations, and they have.

00:34:56.000 You and I have talked a bunch of times about some crazy shit and helped each other very much.

00:35:01.000 The reason why is because I absolutely believe that you're going to tell me the truth. 0.97

00:35:06.000 And you know that I'm going to tell you the truth. 0.99

00:35:08.000 If you don't have that, if one person's telling the truth and the other person isn't, then you're fucked. 0.97

00:35:13.000 Then you're in this weird situation like, oh, this guy's not even looking at reality. 1.00

00:35:16.000 This is bullshit. 0.99

00:35:16.000 He's not helping me. 0.99

00:35:17.000 He's actually hindering me.

00:35:19.000 He's getting in the way.

00:35:20.000 But I see that all the time.

00:35:22.000 All the time.

00:35:22.000 One of the things I find tiring about living in Los Angeles, and maybe I'm being unfair to Los Angeles.

00:35:27.000 Maybe it's everywhere.

00:35:27.000 But I just always find that people are not only playing a character.

00:35:32.000 They're not even themselves.

00:35:33.000 Yes.

00:35:34.000 They haven't even faced up to who they are because they're still playing a character.

00:35:38.000 How common are these characters?

00:35:41.000 They're clearly defined, right?

00:35:42.000 They're so clearly defined because they're almost archetypes.

00:35:45.000 They're like, this is what a man is supposed to behave like. 0.86

00:35:47.000 So this is how I'm going to behave.

00:35:48.000 And by the way, this is also how my wife is going to behave. 1.00

00:35:50.000 My woman is going to behave. 1.00

00:35:51.000 So you have a man and a woman playing characters and coming together on almost a – just the platform by which they're coming together is already fake.

00:36:03.000 Nobody's being honest with each other.

00:36:05.000 You've been cast as a guy who's got to be tough in this way, and she's been cast as this other person.

00:36:10.000 It was like watching a show.

00:36:11.000 I've watched people, actors talk at a party, and it literally is like they're appearing on an episode of Friends.

00:36:18.000 Everything they're saying is affected and fake, and there's a certain quality to it.

00:36:24.000 You know what I hate when people say...

00:36:26.000 Good to see you.

00:36:27.000 You know why they say good to see you?

00:36:28.000 Because they can't remember if they met you or not.

00:36:31.000 So they say good to see you.

00:36:32.000 And it's like this creepy actor political thinking thing.

00:36:35.000 Where I say, if I say nice to meet you, and someone goes, oh, we met already. 0.92

00:36:39.000 I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm a retard.

00:36:40.000 When did we meet?

00:36:40.000 Like, I just can't remember everybody.

00:36:43.000 That's just a problem.

00:36:44.000 It's like there's only a certain amount of hard drive space that a human being has in his head for people.

00:36:48.000 They say it's like 150 people, right?

00:36:49.000 Right.

00:36:50.000 There's been calculations done on it.

00:36:52.000 At 150 people, you can't remember anybody more.

00:36:54.000 You don't have the space for it.

00:36:56.000 I want to piggyback what you're saying on this quote I heard from Eleanor Roosevelt.

00:37:01.000 She said, mediocre minds talk about people.

00:37:10.000 Elevated minds talk about events.

00:37:13.000 And great minds talk about ideas.

00:37:15.000 And so when you're talking about having a hard drive for people, you're not supposed to even aspire to talk about people.

00:37:21.000 Think about what most people talk about.

00:37:23.000 Pay attention to conversations.

00:37:24.000 And you know what you'll find most of the time?

00:37:26.000 They're gossiping.

00:37:27.000 They're telling stories about other people's sort of shortcomings.

00:37:30.000 It's why Us magazine, those magazines are so popular.

00:37:34.000 It's why so many of these talk shows that deal only with what's going on in Hollywood are so successful. 0.83

00:37:41.000 People want to, they want to, they want to, I'm always amazed at people's capacity for gossip and how people can actually give a shit about somebody's relationship if they happen to be in a movie and stuff like that. 0.53

00:37:53.000 Stories, too, though. 0.98

00:37:55.000 Everyone's always done that.

00:37:56.000 Back in the day, you had stories about people.

00:37:58.000 Good stories, though.

00:37:59.000 It's serious.

00:38:00.000 It's to our detriment.

00:38:01.000 It's serious.

00:38:02.000 There's serious things going on in the world that raise very serious questions, right?

00:38:07.000 We're all affected by it.

00:38:10.000 It seems to me almost this sort of, I don't know if the word is, this analgesic sort of quality to sitting back and talking about things that have nothing to do with anything, that are by their very nature completely ethereal.

00:38:28.000 For example, like how much weight this actress lost or how much weight this actress gained and things like that.

00:38:35.000 Do you ever watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians?

00:38:37.000 I do not.

00:38:39.000 I think you should get it out.

00:38:39.000 It's a really good show.

00:38:41.000 I can't wait.

00:38:42.000 I hope they have the CDs. 0.96

00:38:44.000 I have a theory about all this stuff, this stuff with gossiping and shit.

00:38:49.000 I think what it really is is human beings, I think it has sort of a therapeutic effect on people. 0.92

00:38:54.000 I think the questions that are around us all the time are so big and so scary and so nutty.

00:38:59.000 Absolutely.

00:38:59.000 It's a form of connection, and I'm not talking about connection.

00:39:03.000 I'm not talking about having a place for everything like that.

00:39:07.000 I'm saying that the problem is that when that is, when that becomes all people think and talk about, there's something wrong.

00:39:16.000 A lot of what's going on is I think people are inundated with too much data.

00:39:20.000 I think our brains are not set up to be on the internet yet. 0.99

00:39:25.000 It's just the brain is just being overwhelmed by shit. 0.99

00:39:29.000 So I think we like to keep things really simple sometimes to distract ourselves from that. 0.98

00:39:33.000 Well, that's an interesting thing too because I was also thinking about how technology and its exponential growth is kind of rendering masculinity in its traditional form completely obsolete.

00:39:41.000 Someone sent me an email thanking me. 0.88

00:39:43.000 He goes, thank you for connecting rational thinking and manly shit together because normally it doesn't exist. 0.95

00:39:49.000 He goes, most people aren't open-minded. 1.00

00:39:52.000 If you're into manly shit, everyone assumes you're a meathead. 1.00

00:39:54.000 You're a dumbass. 1.00

00:39:55.000 I can't be intelligent and enjoy this, but I do. 1.00

00:39:59.000 So what's going on?

00:40:01.000 It's in my nature.

00:40:01.000 How can you tell me I'm wrong?

00:40:02.000 It's in your genes.

00:40:03.000 I mean, how can you tell someone they're wrong with that?

00:40:05.000 But it's interesting how a lot of this stuff is becoming simulated.

00:40:08.000 One of the reasons I think video games are so popular is because it's an outlet, it's an aggressive outlet for boys and men even to exercise that natural instinct to hunt and kill.

00:40:19.000 It is absolutely natural, man.

00:40:20.000 Ricky Schroeder was on a couple weeks ago, two weeks ago, and Ricky hunts like crazy.

00:40:26.000 Does he?

00:40:27.000 Yeah.

00:40:27.000 He would never strike me as the guy.

00:40:29.000 He hunts everything, man.

00:40:29.000 He hunts everything.

00:40:30.000 We were talking about hunter-gatherer instincts, and it brought up the idea, and I brought this up, I think there's probably a series of genetic rewards we have for catching and eating things and killing things because it's good for you, and because something is good for you, usually there's some sort of a natural reward system going on.

00:40:48.000 Like with, you know, your brain chemistry, you get like, you know, a little blast of dopamine or whatever happens, you know, a little blast of something.

00:40:54.000 And we were talking about it and we were talking about like fishing.

00:40:57.000 Like you ever go fishing, man?

00:40:58.000 And catch a big fish and then you cook and eat it?

00:41:00.000 It's unbelievable.

00:41:00.000 It feels good, right?

00:41:02.000 Yeah.

00:41:03.000 I think we're getting away from all that stuff.

00:41:05.000 And we all have these reward systems that are set up inside of our bodies.

00:41:08.000 And if we don't get them in some direction and force them into good exercise or some fucking creative path or something, we're basically making up for some rewards that we don't get all day anymore. 0.99

00:41:22.000 Our lives now, if you work a shitty job, even if it pays well, if it's a shitty, boring-ass fucking job... 0.99

00:41:27.000 It's not nearly as exciting as being a hunter. 1.00

00:41:29.000 Right. 0.99

00:41:30.000 When you're a hunter, you might not be successful every day, but there's some shit that's going to go down. 0.99

00:41:34.000 You've got to stalk. 0.99

00:41:35.000 And you've got to look out for other animals that are trying to jack you. 1.00

00:41:37.000 You've got to all keep an eye out for mountain lions and crazy shit. 0.99

00:41:40.000 If we're talking about thousands and thousands of years ago, we still have those bodies. 0.99

00:41:44.000 We still have those bodies that are wired, like sex feels good, why?

00:41:47.000 So you make babies.

00:41:48.000 It's set up for that.

00:41:49.000 Exactly.

00:41:50.000 The hunt feels good, why?

00:41:51.000 So you keep hunting.

00:41:52.000 There's a reward system.

00:41:53.000 So there's a deficit because we're not experiencing that.

00:41:57.000 We're not experiencing that. 0.99

00:41:57.000 And even though we do have dicks and we do have balls and we are men, like in society, There's very little outlets for real manly shit. 0.99

00:42:04.000 There are very few outlets. 1.00

00:42:06.000 We are designed to kill shit. 1.00

00:42:09.000 We are designed to hunt and kill things. 1.00

00:42:11.000 For thousands of years.

00:42:11.000 I mean, for millennia, we've been genetically programmed to provide and protect.

00:42:14.000 That takes courage and cunning and strength.

00:42:16.000 And as long as we're eating meat.

00:42:17.000 Okay, if you're eating meat, that means you're killing something.

00:42:20.000 And if you're killing something, you have to be violent.

00:42:22.000 There's got to be a violent release.

00:42:24.000 And all of a sudden, you're taking in all this animal protein like you're killing things.

00:42:27.000 We needed our violence.

00:42:28.000 But there is no violence with most of us.

00:42:30.000 There's no release.

00:42:31.000 There's no explosion. 0.99

00:42:32.000 So that's why everybody's fucking crazy with stress. 0.98

00:42:35.000 We're eating meat and not being violent. 0.98

00:42:36.000 You were all saying exercise.

00:42:38.000 I so believe that the first thing for anybody to do, in my opinion, is get in your body.

00:42:43.000 Get in it and feel the machine.

00:42:46.000 And exercise, I think, is crucial, man.

00:42:50.000 I don't know where I'd be with that.

00:42:51.000 Yeah, it's maintenance for the mind.

00:42:53.000 The body is important, but it's the mind.

00:42:55.000 You can think way better. 1.00

00:42:57.000 If I have anything that's fucking with me, I go out and I hit the punching bag. 1.00

00:43:00.000 Just think about nothing. 1.00

00:43:02.000 Just hit the punching bag. 1.00

00:43:03.000 Kick it, punch it, kick it, punch it, do a few rounds. 1.00

00:43:05.000 Nothing bothers me when it's over. 0.82

00:43:07.000 I heard a statistic and I don't have the – it's not like Mayo Clinic and stuff, but it came from a fairly reliable source that said that one in four people will die of cancer.

00:43:21.000 One in four people get cancer eventually, whether it's in their 80s or 90s or whatever.

00:43:25.000 One in seven athletes get cancer.

00:43:28.000 They found.

00:43:29.000 And there are a couple of theories for that.

00:43:31.000 One is that exercise moves lymphatic fluid through your body, and that's how you keep your body clean and all that stuff.

00:43:37.000 And then people who did sports, but they're talking about athletes, like professional athletes and Olympic athletes.

00:43:44.000 One in seven versus your standard one in four.

00:43:46.000 What kind of cancer?

00:43:47.000 Breast cancer?

00:43:48.000 All cancers.

00:43:49.000 You know, an interesting statistic, there's never been a professional athlete that has lived to be over 100. I believe that, and I think it's probably because of the kind of stress.

00:43:58.000 I don't know if that's true, but I read that.

00:44:00.000 It was called Dead Doctors Tell No Tales or something like that.

00:44:05.000 It was all about minerals.

00:44:06.000 Well, from what I understood, professional athletes from sports do die earlier.

00:44:13.000 Yeah, well, it makes sense if you put an incredible amount of stress on your body. 0.68

00:44:16.000 Or ass cancer from eating so much proteins and hard meats and stuff like that.

00:44:20.000 Not everybody gets that. 1.00

00:44:21.000 Ass cancer. 0.98

00:44:22.000 You have to go straight Brock Lesnar to get that. 0.99

00:44:25.000 One and two.

00:44:26.000 Brock Lesnar almost died from diverticulitis.

00:44:28.000 You know that, right?

00:44:28.000 Is that a liver disease or something?

00:44:30.000 No, it's from eating too much protein and no fiber.

00:44:33.000 You have protein buildup in your gut and it was actually like rotting a hole through it and creating abscesses.

00:44:39.000 He had a real problem.

00:44:40.000 Did he start getting sick or did he just like, brock, don't feel good?

00:44:42.000 He just didn't feel good for a long time. 0.59

00:44:44.000 They said that he was operating at 60 to 80% of his potential, which is fucking terrifying when you think of how fucking fast and strong and athletic that dude is and to think that he was actually like sick the whole time. 0.96

00:44:57.000 That's so crazy. 0.98

00:44:57.000 He's crushing dudes and he's sick. 0.98

00:44:59.000 He's fighting Cain Velasquez in October in Los Angeles.

00:45:03.000 In Anaheim.

00:45:04.000 Now, I've never seen anybody quite so explosive and so big.

00:45:08.000 He's a true freak athlete. 0.94

00:45:10.000 Doesn't he walk around at 300 pounds and suck down? 0.99

00:45:12.000 No, not anymore. 0.98

00:45:13.000 I don't think he wants to take that toll on his body.

00:45:16.000 But he's a bit over 265. He's actually lighter now than he's ever been before because he changed his diet.

00:45:20.000 Is he stronger when you talk to other guys who fought him?

00:45:23.000 Does he feel like...

00:45:24.000 Dudes who've trained with him say...

00:45:26.000 Well, yeah, he got clipped with a big punch. 0.99

00:45:29.000 Shane Carwin is a strong motherfucker, too, and he can bang, dude. 0.99

00:45:32.000 Shane Carwin has serious, serious, serious power. 0.99

00:45:36.000 He's got power that there's not a single man on the planet that can take one of those bombs and be okay.

00:45:40.000 I agree. 1.00

00:45:41.000 He got fucked up, and Brock knew it. 1.00

00:45:43.000 I think he felt it and was like, holy shit, this is like a new kind of thunderstorm coming my way. 1.00

00:45:49.000 I don't think anybody ever hit him like that. 0.99

00:45:50.000 Phew.

00:45:51.000 I mean, everybody's like, Brock can't take a shot, and Brock covered up and ran. 1.00

00:45:54.000 No, Brock survived and won the fight, stupid. 1.00

00:45:57.000 He did what he had to do. 1.00

00:45:58.000 He took a beating!

00:45:59.000 He got clipped.

00:46:00.000 We knew for sure that Shane was going to be the better striker, but Brock has had some good...

00:46:08.000 He dropped Randy with the right hand.

00:46:09.000 He dropped Heath Herring with the right hand.

00:46:11.000 It was just how quick Shane put it on him.

00:46:14.000 As soon as he started bombing, I was like... 1.00

00:46:16.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

00:46:18.000 It's like, that dude's got some special power. 1.00

00:46:20.000 He does.

00:46:20.000 He's got some, boom!

00:46:21.000 Like, he hits dudes, and you can see the look in their eyes. 1.00

00:46:24.000 They're like, what the fuck? 0.98

00:46:25.000 Like, when he hit Frank Mir, like, he hit Frank Mir, like, the short left hand inside, and you can see Frank Mir's face, like, a couple of times. 0.99

00:46:32.000 Before he dropped him, he hit him with these short punches.

00:46:35.000 It was that, but it was the look in his face like, whoa! 1.00

00:46:39.000 This is some fucking rocky shit we're doing here! 0.99

00:46:42.000 I'm getting hammered! 1.00

00:46:43.000 These are bombs!

00:46:45.000 He's seeing sparks and trying to keep it together, and he's not expecting that. 0.99

00:46:48.000 And then he's thinking, what happens if this motherfucker gets his arms loose and starts raining these on me? 1.00

00:46:53.000 I'm going to sleep! 1.00

00:46:54.000 Shit! 1.00

00:46:55.000 And then he gets one hand loose, and he's like, oh fuck, here it comes! 1.00

00:46:58.000 Boom! 1.00

00:46:59.000 And when Amir's legs give out, I'm like, God damn, Amir can take a shot, man. 0.98

00:47:03.000 Amir's a big guy. 0.99

00:47:04.000 He can take a shot because he took a gang of them before he went out. 0.93

00:47:07.000 He took a gang of them. 0.88

00:47:08.000 And Carlin was blasting him, man.

00:47:11.000 Carlin, if he can get his cardio together, he can get his situation together.

00:47:14.000 I think it was a situation with the blockbuster fight.

00:47:17.000 He got really excited.

00:47:18.000 He thought it was over.

00:47:18.000 He thought it was over, and he was just going to try to stop the fight and throw as many punches as possible.

00:47:22.000 From what I heard, he got really excited.

00:47:24.000 It was a strategy mistake.

00:47:26.000 He didn't breathe, and he locked up.

00:47:29.000 He locked up, and then he got literally lactic acid, froze his muscles, and the second round, he was done.

00:47:34.000 But if he can figure out how to get his strategy together, and it might not even be to be that big, man.

00:47:39.000 I mean, he's like two.

00:47:41.000 He told me he cut, I think he said 16 pounds.

00:47:44.000 So when I was talking to him the day of the fight, he was 16 above 265. That's so weird how big these guys are.

00:47:49.000 He's giant!

00:47:49.000 It's so weird.

00:47:50.000 How tall is he? 1.00

00:47:51.000 He's a fucking giant! 1.00

00:47:51.000 He's 6'1", 6'2". 1.00

00:47:53.000 That's so weird.

00:47:53.000 Yeah.

00:47:54.000 What did he do before this?

00:47:55.000 He's got these redonkulous gorilla paws, too.

00:47:58.000 He's this dude.

00:47:58.000 He shakes your hand.

00:47:59.000 And you're like, what the fuck is that that you call a ham? 0.99

00:48:02.000 What is this giant thing with bone and ham hock? 0.99

00:48:09.000 Because there are bears and there are dogs.

00:48:11.000 I'm a dog and he's a bear.

00:48:12.000 He's a bear.

00:48:12.000 And no matter what happens, a dog never beats a bear in a fight.

00:48:15.000 But my question, I'm sure you've been asked before, is...

00:48:19.000 What I noticed about Fedor Emelienko is his timing, his ability to time punches.

00:48:23.000 Oh, he's got brilliant timing.

00:48:24.000 And it's just so much better than everybody else's.

00:48:26.000 He springs in.

00:48:27.000 And his ability and his speed.

00:48:30.000 Yeah, he's very fast.

00:48:31.000 He's got to be, I bet you, if he were to really trim down, he's got to be 25 pounds overweight.

00:48:36.000 I'm just talking about fat.

00:48:37.000 I think you're right.

00:48:38.000 Yeah, this is incredible, right?

00:48:39.000 It's incredible, and that's the one thing I'd like to see him fight Brock.

00:48:44.000 I've already said that I think that he could fight at middleweight, and I'm not kidding.

00:48:47.000 I mean, I wouldn't want to see him do it.

00:48:48.000 I enjoy the fact that he fights at heavyweight, that he's only 230 pounds.

00:48:52.000 Who in the world would stand up to him at middleweight?

00:48:53.000 Well, I don't know.

00:48:55.000 I mean, who knows?

00:48:56.000 Maybe the speed wouldn't be as big as an advantage at middleweight.

00:48:59.000 Maybe at middleweight, maybe one of the things he's got going for him is he really is a small guy.

00:49:02.000 And, you know, when he's throwing these punches, it's sufficient power to drop these guys. 0.99

00:49:06.000 Because, I'll tell you what, a guy like Patrick Cote, a 185-pounder who can really punch, that motherfucker can knock out anybody. 0.98

00:49:12.000 He can knock out a heavyweight. 0.97

00:49:13.000 A heavyweight student like Patrick Cote, Patrick blasted him with a big shot, he could put away a heavyweight, for sure.

00:49:18.000 And maybe that's what Fedor's doing.

00:49:20.000 Maybe him being, like, this lighter guy.

00:49:22.000 There might be a benefit in being lighter.

00:49:24.000 I mean, look at the Frankie Edgar fight.

00:49:26.000 230?

00:49:27.000 230. 230 and fat.

00:49:29.000 So, if you look at Rich Franklin, okay...

00:49:31.000 Rich Franklin is, like, above 200 pounds when he cuts down to 185. And now that he's campaigning at light heavyweight at 205, he's walking around, I would say, probably maybe 220 or something like that.

00:49:41.000 Not too big, but bigger. 0.99

00:49:43.000 And, you know, Rich Franklin, you know, he's a fucking big guy, man. 1.00

00:49:48.000 You know, he's a big fucking... 0.99

00:49:50.000 I mean, if you wanted to be a fat guy, he could be 230. Really? 1.00

00:49:53.000 Yeah.

00:49:54.000 I mean, Rich Franken was the UFC midway champion, and if you put fat on him, he could easily be Fedor's weight.

00:49:59.000 Can you tell me why?

00:50:00.000 It really seemed to me like the spider, Anderson Silva, is bored or something.

00:50:05.000 He just didn't want to fight.

00:50:07.000 No, no, no, no.

00:50:08.000 That's not the case at all. 1.00

00:50:09.000 Chael Sonnen is a fucking monster. 1.00

00:50:10.000 That's what I thought BJ Penn was. 1.00

00:50:11.000 Chael Sonnen is a serious wrestler. 1.00

00:50:14.000 He is a hard-nosed motherfucker, and he will take fucking five punches in the face to try to take you down. 1.00

00:50:21.000 And look, when he's dedicated, and when he's on, and when he's right, and he was in the Nate Marquardt fight, and he was in the Anderson Silva fight, he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:50:28.000 He can take down anybody, man. 0.99

00:50:30.000 He can take you down, and he can beat the fuck out of you when he's on top of you. 1.00

00:50:32.000 And you're gonna have to deal with that shit for five rounds, because he can keep doing it. 1.00

00:50:35.000 And by the way... 1.00

00:50:36.000 Anderson Silva did deal with it, didn't he?

00:50:38.000 Yeah, and then he caught him.

00:50:40.000 Anderson Silva, that's a master right there, man.

00:50:43.000 He waited for his opening.

00:50:44.000 He was always dangerous.

00:50:45.000 Two minutes left in the fight.

00:50:46.000 No one gave him a chance.

00:50:48.000 Slapped on that triangle. 1.00

00:50:49.000 Bitch! 1.00

00:50:50.000 He's incredible. 1.00

00:50:50.000 It ain't over yet, bitch! 1.00

00:50:51.000 I was watching. 1.00

00:50:52.000 I was watching it with my father.

00:50:53.000 My father was like, this guy's not good.

00:50:54.000 And I said, he's been a champion for 10 years.

00:50:59.000 I go, do not count him out.

00:51:00.000 Do not count him out.

00:51:01.000 He's special. 0.99

00:51:01.000 He might have lost every fucking round up until that moment. 0.99

00:51:03.000 But he saw the moment and he fucking slapped that bitch up. 1.00

00:51:07.000 Is there going to be a rematch? 1.00

00:51:07.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:51:07.000 I hope so. 1.00

00:51:08.000 Either that.

00:51:09.000 Well, I know that Chael Sonnen wants to fight Anderson Silva again.

00:51:14.000 But I also know that Vitor...

00:51:16.000 Vitor is going to fight Yushin Okami.

00:51:18.000 That's like the next fight that just been announced.

00:51:20.000 So if Vitor's going to fight Yushin Okami, that means Vitor's not going to fight Anderson, which means I think they're probably setting up an Anderson-Chael Sonnen rematch.

00:51:27.000 I don't know the official word yet, though.

00:51:29.000 But look, man, why not make the money?

00:51:31.000 The money's here.

00:51:32.000 Everybody wants to see it.

00:51:33.000 Yeah, I agree.

00:51:34.000 You can say, hey, Chael Sonnen, he lost fair and square.

00:51:36.000 He needs to go up.

00:51:37.000 That's all well and good.

00:51:39.000 I'd like to see it.

00:51:40.000 I want to see it again.

00:51:43.000 Because that was in some ways a draw in a lot of people's minds, right? 0.92

00:51:46.000 When you just have the fucking highlights from that first one and put them in a UFC ad... 0.97

00:51:52.000 Jail Sonnen taking him down. 0.99

00:51:54.000 Over and over and over and over again.

00:51:56.000 The Jail Sonnen dominated for four rounds.

00:51:59.000 Until getting caught in this triangle, he vows to never let it happen again.

00:52:03.000 And then you have Anderson.

00:52:06.000 He stuck it in Portuguese.

00:52:08.000 And for some reason you just have me slide by like this.

00:52:11.000 With a thumbs up and no shirt on.

00:52:13.000 With my average body.

00:52:14.000 The Old Spice guy.

00:52:15.000 Do you ever feel like that Old Spice commercial?

00:52:17.000 Like somebody might have saw your act?

00:52:18.000 Somebody...

00:52:18.000 I've had a lot of people tell me that.

00:52:20.000 Dude, I watched that.

00:52:22.000 I watched that and I was like, somebody saw Brian Callen's act.

00:52:25.000 This is weird.

00:52:26.000 There it is.

00:52:27.000 Like, that stuff that you see in the old Spice commercial was really funny.

00:52:30.000 I mean, we're not accusing.

00:52:31.000 It's very possible they came up with it on their own.

00:52:33.000 Yeah.

00:52:34.000 But it's very possible they saw your comic.

00:52:36.000 I never worry about it.

00:52:37.000 I just figure as a comic, you've got to just keep inventing, man.

00:52:40.000 Keep inventing.

00:52:41.000 You get too attached to one thing.

00:52:43.000 Your persona, though, is far more intense and sexual than that guy's persona. 0.98

00:52:47.000 What Brian does is a lot of very similar type stuff on stage to what that guy does, but much more surreal and fucked up and sexual. 0.98

00:52:55.000 And like... 0.97

00:52:56.000 To the point where it makes you uncomfortable sometimes. 1.00

00:52:58.000 Very, very funny shit. 0.99

00:52:59.000 Keeping on YouTube? 0.99

00:53:00.000 It just felt like it was very influenced.

00:53:03.000 You gotta see a live there.

00:53:04.000 The stuff I'm doing now has been, I don't know, it's been very satisfying.

00:53:07.000 Because I notice that the audience goes with me if I commit to it.

00:53:11.000 So I always just go, this is what I think is funny.

00:53:14.000 Whatever.

00:53:14.000 I had a bunch of military dudes.

00:53:16.000 Sometimes I like this to be really obnoxious because I walk up, like I walk up, I think I was in San Antonio, it was a bunch of military guys, maybe macho, you know, tough guys.

00:53:22.000 And I was like, I walk up and I go, I was wearing this tight American apparel shirt.

00:53:27.000 Guys, first of all, I want to apologize for my body.

00:53:29.000 Sorry about being so shredded.

00:53:31.000 I know, I know, my back looks like a barrel of snakes.

00:53:35.000 Whatever, let's move on, you know.

00:53:37.000 And I was just completely...

00:53:39.000 I kept apologizing for my body.

00:53:42.000 I kept apologizing for how vast I'm.

00:53:44.000 I'm 170 pounds.

00:53:46.000 Regular dude.

00:53:47.000 And these guys were all just...

00:53:49.000 I think sometimes I have so much fun being completely either totally absurd or just doing what I just think is funny.

00:53:56.000 And they get it.

00:53:57.000 People always seem to get it if you commit to it.

00:54:00.000 It's when you apologize that I think they sense you're lying.

00:54:03.000 But I'm not lying.

00:54:04.000 Yeah, it's just got to be what you think is funny.

00:54:05.000 You know, Brian is a very, he's got a very unique sense of humor, and one of the funniest things that I've ever seen anybody do, we were in a hotel, and there's a video of it, I'll get Eddie Bravo to Twitter the video, put it online, but there's a video, do you know what the video's called on YouTube?

00:54:22.000 I don't know what it's called, but...

00:54:24.000 I wish I knew, ladies and gentlemen.

00:54:25.000 I will find out later. 0.99

00:54:26.000 But it's like, if you look up gay jiu-jitsu porno or something like that. 0.99

00:54:32.000 Kung fu porno. 0.96

00:54:33.000 What it was, was he started doing this character.

00:54:35.000 We were just hanging out in this hotel room.

00:54:37.000 It was a weekend of the UFC, like a long time ago.

00:54:39.000 And Brian just starts doing this character about a jiu-jitsu guy who fucks dudes when he holds them down.

00:54:47.000 And it was literally funny to the point where I couldn't breathe.

00:54:52.000 You were dying.

00:54:52.000 You fell off the bed.

00:54:53.000 We couldn't breathe.

00:54:55.000 Literally, if I had to look back on one of the funniest things I've ever seen, if I had to vote for the funniest things in my entire life as a human that I've ever seen, I think you win.

00:55:04.000 I think that might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen ever.

00:55:06.000 We were so high, though.

00:55:09.000 Oh, my God.

00:55:09.000 We were so high.

00:55:11.000 This was when I was first really getting in the pot, too.

00:55:14.000 How long have you been smoking weed?

00:55:15.000 How many years has it been now?

00:55:16.000 Now it's been, what is it, 2010?

00:55:17.000 Now I think it's about 9 years, 10 years.

00:55:20.000 10 years?

00:55:21.000 Is it 9 or 10?

00:55:22.000 I know I was getting high when 9-11 happened.

00:55:25.000 I was already getting high.

00:55:26.000 Yeah, because I wrote about smoking.

00:55:28.000 The first 30 years of your life, you never did anything.

00:55:33.000 I thought that all drugs were bad for you. 0.97

00:55:35.000 I thought that all drugs just made you a loser, and I was always terrified of being a loser. 0.96

00:55:40.000 That was the one thing that I was scared of more than anything.

00:55:43.000 I grew up in this...

00:55:45.000 It's a situation where Boston is a very harsh town. 0.98

00:55:49.000 And I did not have a fucking clue as to what I wanted to do for a living. 0.97

00:55:53.000 And everybody around me seemed to know. 0.99

00:55:56.000 Everybody was going to college.

00:55:58.000 I didn't want to go to college.

00:55:59.000 I was like, what am I going to college for?

00:56:00.000 I'm going to college just so people don't think I'm a loser.

00:56:02.000 I have no idea what I want to do.

00:56:06.000 Why is it that you can go to bars in Long Island or Brooklyn or in Boston and get in a fight so easily in Philly, so easily.

00:56:16.000 You can walk in with the wrong hat and get in a fight.

00:56:19.000 Whereas in the Pacific Northwest, like Seattle or whether it's in San Francisco or even L.A., it's not the same thing, man.

00:56:27.000 People are way cooler.

00:56:28.000 People are a lot more mellow.

00:56:30.000 Yeah, way more mellow than on the East Coast.

00:56:32.000 You spend much time on the East Coast, Brian?

00:56:34.000 What?

00:56:35.000 You spend much time on the East Coast?

00:56:36.000 Yeah, I mean, well, for Ohio, that was where we would go for vacations or weekends.

00:56:41.000 That's a little bit more Midwest.

00:56:42.000 Did you notice the East Coast people being aggressive?

00:56:46.000 Yeah, I mean, there's definitely more drunks and fights, especially New York.

00:56:51.000 There's also a thing about the East Coast, though. 0.94

00:56:54.000 There's no bullshit clause that you have to adhere to. 0.93

00:56:57.000 There's definitely no bullshit clause, man. 0.95

00:56:58.000 That you don't get out here. 1.00

00:57:00.000 Out here, bullshit just breeds and runs rampant and fucking feeds. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Right, right. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Well, because, you know, it's what Sam Shepard, the great writer, wrote about it. 1.00

00:57:09.000 He said, why do you have all your characters, a lot of your characters in California, around California, the L.A. area?

00:57:16.000 He said, because this is a place people come to to reinvent themselves.

00:57:19.000 It's a place where people have no roots or they don't want to talk about their roots.

00:57:25.000 And so it gave them a chance to create these characters that were playing a character, you know, that they were basically lying, you know?

00:57:34.000 I guess that's part of it.

00:57:36.000 I think a lot of times when you come from Boston or New York, you're cast in a role.

00:57:43.000 You play a certain role.

00:57:45.000 You're given your attitudes.

00:57:47.000 You're given what to believe in.

00:57:49.000 You're given how to behave as a man.

00:57:51.000 There are strong, resilient lines to that and don't step out of them.

00:57:56.000 And whereas when you're in LA, there aren't as many people looking.

00:57:59.000 You know, a lot of people come here from somewhere, so they're not sort of held down by that tradition.

00:58:05.000 Right, you're not born into a system.

00:58:07.000 You're not born into a system.

00:58:09.000 Yeah, neighborhood system especially, right?

00:58:11.000 Man, a neighborhood system is very powerful.

00:58:15.000 Very powerful.

00:58:15.000 It's very hard to get out of.

00:58:16.000 You don't get out of it unless you physically move out of it.

00:58:19.000 A lot of times. 0.99

00:58:19.000 What's really fascinating is when people start fucking other dudes' wives. 0.99

00:58:23.000 That shit's fascinating. 1.00

00:58:24.000 You call it fascinating, I call it a turn-on. 1.00

00:58:27.000 In front of you?

00:58:29.000 No, dude.

00:58:30.000 There's some humans that I know, some civilians, non-actor types, that are, you know, having...

00:58:38.000 Intramarital dalliances with next-door neighbors' wives.

00:58:41.000 There's a lot of that swing that goes on and stuff.

00:58:44.000 Well, there's a lot of people doing it on a sneak tip, too. 0.99

00:58:46.000 And I'm like, hey, listen, I don't want to hear about you in the fucking news. 0.99

00:58:50.000 I don't want to hear about your murder-suicide. 1.00

00:58:52.000 Maybe stop fucking your friend's wife. 1.00

00:58:54.000 Can you not do it in your neighborhood, like next-door? 1.00

00:58:56.000 Don't you know that guy?

00:58:57.000 Isn't he your buddy?

00:58:59.000 Don't you say hi to him?

00:59:00.000 Wait a minute.

00:59:01.000 You've had that guy over for a barbecue, right?

00:59:03.000 You did, right? 1.00

00:59:04.000 Yeah, and you're fucking his wife? 1.00

00:59:05.000 What? 1.00

00:59:06.000 I haven't seen that actually.

00:59:07.000 Really?

00:59:08.000 Maybe I'm naive.

00:59:09.000 People are freaks.

00:59:09.000 There's a lot of that going on.

00:59:10.000 There's a lot of people wanting to distract themselves from this crazy world. 1.00

00:59:12.000 They want to fuck. 1.00

00:59:13.000 They just want to scratch that itch. 1.00

00:59:15.000 Fucking so dirty. 1.00

00:59:16.000 They might as well be fucking playing Dungeons and Dragons or sticking Q-tips in their ears. 1.00

00:59:20.000 I don't have time to fuck. 1.00

00:59:20.000 I'm too busy asking the big questions. 1.00

00:59:23.000 What's that?

00:59:24.000 I don't know.

00:59:27.000 Distractions.

00:59:27.000 Yeah.

00:59:28.000 There's no big question.

00:59:29.000 Something crazy happened to me at Fuddruckers the other day.

00:59:31.000 Yeah, tell me about that story.

00:59:33.000 So I'm in Burbank, Fuddruckers, and I'm eating. 0.99

00:59:35.000 My girlfriend's across from me, and I see her staring kind of weird off to the side of me.

00:59:41.000 I'm like, what's she looking at?

00:59:42.000 Whatever.

00:59:42.000 And then suddenly she stands up and taps this table that's behind me, that taps this guy on the shoulder, and screams...

00:59:50.000 This man's trying to steal your purse!

00:59:52.000 And points to this other guy that's sitting on the other side of me.

00:59:56.000 And he stands up and he goes, I did not try to steal it!

01:00:00.000 No, you're mistaking it!

01:00:01.000 And next thing I know, he runs out. 0.99

01:00:03.000 And I'm like, what the fuck just happened? 0.96

01:00:05.000 And what supposedly happened is this guy comes in. 0.99

01:00:08.000 Indian guy, which is even weirder. 1.00

01:00:11.000 He sits down and then he takes his duffel bag and he pulls out a coat and puts it on this woman's purse that was on the floor.

01:00:18.000 And then he was starting to scoop it up into his duffel bag. 0.99

01:00:22.000 But stupid me runs out of Fuddruckers and chases the guy. 1.00

01:00:26.000 And I'm like halfway down the street going, why the fuck am I chasing after this guy? 1.00

01:00:31.000 He didn't even have the purse. 0.97

01:00:32.000 Why am I running after him?

01:00:34.000 Instinct.

01:00:35.000 Yeah, and there was a car, getaway car.

01:00:37.000 He jumps in the getaway car and takes off.

01:00:39.000 And the car was like a brand new car.

01:00:40.000 It was like a brand new monster.

01:00:42.000 It's called Prey Drive.

01:00:43.000 Do you think that you would have done that if your girl wasn't there?

01:00:47.000 No, I think if he wasn't Indian, I would not have done that. 1.00

01:00:51.000 Really?

01:00:51.000 I think the fact that if he was Indian, I'm like, oh, it's Indian.

01:00:54.000 He can't hurt me.

01:00:55.000 In other words, what does that mean?

01:00:56.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:00:57.000 Are you crazy? 0.98

01:00:58.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

01:00:59.000 You don't think an Indian guy could beat your ass? 1.00

01:01:01.000 You know what? 1.00

01:01:01.000 That accent's really hard to sound intimidating. 1.00

01:01:04.000 Don't fuck around. 1.00

01:01:04.000 I'll give you a tight smack. 1.00

01:01:05.000 It really is. 0.88

01:01:06.000 I'm not joking.

01:01:07.000 No, it really does nothing for me.

01:01:08.000 It's really too bad that that's a hack accent because it really is a fun one.

01:01:12.000 Yeah, it is.

01:01:13.000 Indian accent's a fun one.

01:01:14.000 You can't, you know, but that's not...

01:01:15.000 And, you know, any jihad accent, those are hacking down too. 0.96

01:01:18.000 I'll give you a tight smack. 1.00

01:01:20.000 I'm not joking. 1.00

01:01:22.000 Don't fuck around with me. 1.00

01:01:23.000 It's very offensive, though, that you find that funny. 1.00

01:01:26.000 That's just how they're communicating.

01:01:27.000 Yes, it is, and I apologize.

01:01:29.000 Although, it'd be funny to see a Hindu cop. 1.00

01:01:31.000 If you had one in Boston, nobody would stop.

01:01:34.000 Freeze! 0.97

01:01:34.000 Is that racist, to make fun of them behaving like that? 0.97

01:01:36.000 No!

01:01:37.000 It's a mannerism.

01:01:39.000 Look, I have a lot of respect for any culture, but I think Hindi is you hold your tongue in a certain way, and when you learn English, that's how some of them speak.

01:01:49.000 However, a lot of, you know, India was a British colony, so a lot of them will speak sort of with an English accent, sort of a combination.

01:01:56.000 Yeah, I've heard that too.

01:01:57.000 It is fascinating.

01:01:59.000 There's a couple of different accents coming over there.

01:02:01.000 It's fascinating to think that the whole world, like basically like 150 years ago, was equal to like the population of India.

01:02:09.000 That's right.

01:02:10.000 The whole world was like a billion.

01:02:12.000 There are more than a billion people now in India.

01:02:14.000 India is becoming a huge powerhouse.

01:02:16.000 It's such a vast area.

01:02:18.000 There was an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show.

01:02:20.000 You ever watch that show?

01:02:21.000 No.

01:02:21.000 No Reservations?

01:02:22.000 No.

01:02:22.000 One of my favorite shows.

01:02:23.000 Really?

01:02:23.000 I love it.

01:02:24.000 It's fun.

01:02:24.000 He's really cool.

01:02:25.000 He's this guy who's a chef, and he apparently was just a wild punk rocker type chef, and he Did a lot of drugs and wrote books about the crazy world of chef lives and chefs are all getting fucked up after shows or after their shifts.

01:02:41.000 Yeah, and it's just really hilarious stuff.

01:02:44.000 And he goes all around the world eating in these really cool places and everywhere.

01:02:50.000 I'd love to do that, actually.

01:02:52.000 I love food.

01:02:53.000 Oh, dude, you've got to watch this show.

01:02:54.000 I completely forgot what we were talking about.

01:02:56.000 What were we talking about?

01:02:57.000 Yeah.

01:02:59.000 Buttholes.

01:02:59.000 No.

01:03:00.000 No.

01:03:01.000 India accents.

01:03:03.000 India.

01:03:03.000 And how vast it's becoming.

01:03:05.000 So he went over there and was in India and went on a set of one of these dudes doing those India fucking action movies. 0.94

01:03:14.000 How many movies did they film over there? 0.97

01:03:15.000 Oh, dude.

01:03:16.000 They film insane amounts of movies.

01:03:17.000 They make something like five times as many as Hollywood or something like that.

01:03:21.000 It's really...

01:03:22.000 India's come such a long way.

01:03:25.000 In 1975, maybe even in the early 80s, India couldn't feed itself.

01:03:32.000 Really?

01:03:32.000 India couldn't feed itself.

01:03:33.000 Now India is a huge exporter of grain and rice and a lot of other goods.

01:03:38.000 Customer service.

01:03:39.000 India is going to become... 0.99

01:03:41.000 India is going to become, because it's such a decentralized, it's actually, it's because its government is so ineffective, you could make the argument that India is becoming a huge economic powerhouse.

01:03:51.000 Don't figure that out while you're talking about India.

01:03:52.000 No, no, no, no.

01:03:53.000 That's disrespectful.

01:03:53.000 Continue, continue.

01:03:54.000 Mother India, don't be fingering that thing. 1.00

01:03:56.000 Every time I think about India, he's fingering this.

01:03:58.000 Now I can't figure it out.

01:03:59.000 That one's off the flashlight.

01:04:00.000 That's yours now. 1.00

01:04:01.000 She's the Indian pussy. 1.00

01:04:02.000 That's yours. 1.00

01:04:02.000 You got that one. 1.00

01:04:03.000 That's all yours. 0.99

01:04:04.000 Speaking of India and countries in America, Brian, play that fucking crazy Glenn Beck thing. 0.99

01:04:11.000 I am starting to get concerned. 0.98

01:04:13.000 Did you email it to me?

01:04:14.000 Yes, I emailed it to you.

01:04:15.000 I want to hear it.

01:04:15.000 This is what I'm getting concerned about.

01:04:17.000 I'm getting concerned about this tag team fucking duo of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin because now they're combining their retard superpowers and they have even more dummies that are into what they're saying. 1.00

01:04:31.000 Okay. 0.99

01:04:32.000 Dude, there was a giant Glenn Beck rally on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech.

01:04:37.000 You've got to see this.

01:04:39.000 If you haven't seen this, you've got to watch this on YouTube.

01:04:42.000 It's Glenn Beck.

01:04:44.000 He's pandering at its finest, and he's doing it in front of, it looks like a million white people.

01:04:49.000 And they're saying it's only 100,000. 1.00

01:04:51.000 I call it bullshit. 1.00

01:04:52.000 They're trying to downplay this, because they're worried about this motherfucker taking over the world, okay? 1.00

01:04:56.000 Because the retards are showing up in millions for this dude. 1.00

01:05:00.000 This dude's got it locked up. 0.82

01:05:01.000 He's picked up the full retard vibration. 1.00

01:05:04.000 He knows exactly what they want to hear.

01:05:07.000 He's playing them. 1.00

01:05:12.000 White people are going crazy. 1.00

01:05:15.000 White people are acting like their minorities. 1.00

01:05:18.000 Is this a Glenn Beck rally?

01:05:21.000 Yes.

01:05:21.000 White people are trying to take back the world.

01:05:24.000 Watch this. 0.99

01:05:25.000 Look at this.

01:05:25.000 Something that is beyond man is happening.

01:05:29.000 America today begins to turn back to God. 1.00

01:05:34.000 Okay, that motherfucker should be doing tricks right now and handing out a hat, okay? 1.00

01:05:39.000 He's putting on a fucking show. 1.00

01:05:42.000 He was a stand-up comic, by the way. 1.00

01:05:44.000 Yes, he was, and a terrible one. 0.68

01:05:46.000 He's a genius, though, for retard control. 1.00

01:05:49.000 He pauses, he looks down, he cries. 1.00

01:05:55.000 There's nothing scarier than dumb people that sound smart. 1.00

01:05:59.000 He's a sharp profile. 1.00

01:06:01.000 A sharp-talking dumb dude. 1.00

01:06:07.000 He's a dangerous motherfucker. 1.00

01:06:09.000 You know, people are downplaying this guy. 1.00

01:06:12.000 This guy is starting to learn how much power he has.

01:06:15.000 And it's growing and growing and growing. 1.00

01:06:17.000 And his power base, as dumb as he is, as crazy as he is, as much sponsors pull off of his show because he says that Obama's a racist, that guy's getting more and more people into it. 0.99

01:06:26.000 That's why you've got to be very careful of anybody. 1.00

01:06:27.000 Now play the Palin one. 1.00

01:06:28.000 Because this is fucking bananas, too. 1.00

01:06:31.000 Bananas! 1.00

01:06:32.000 There's a thing that's going on in this country where people are happy to be dumb. 0.99

01:06:37.000 Well, it's fear-based, not thought-based, right? 0.97

01:06:38.000 It's fear-based, it's not thought-based, and they also want a low bar.

01:06:42.000 They enjoy this low bar.

01:06:44.000 That's the same one.

01:06:44.000 A dad!

01:06:46.000 I wanted to have a dad.

01:06:48.000 No, it's not.

01:06:49.000 Fast forward it for a couple of steps, and he brings up Sarah Palin. 0.91

01:06:51.000 Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

01:06:53.000 And she's speaking to you today as a mother of someone in the military.

01:07:00.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Palin!

01:07:04.000 This is terrifying. 1.00

01:07:05.000 This is the chapter in the book where shit gets crazy. 0.99

01:07:08.000 This is where the earth starts to fucking eat itself This is like our fall of Rome This is the Wagnerian music. 0.99

01:07:22.000 This is our fall of Rome. 1.00

01:07:24.000 Really dumb people are trying to hijack the country. 0.98

01:07:27.000 Thank you so much! 0.99

01:07:27.000 Thank you! 0.99

01:07:28.000 Are you not so proud to be an American?

01:07:35.000 What an honor.

01:07:37.000 What an honor.

01:07:38.000 We stand today at the symbolic crossroads of our nation's history.

01:07:45.000 And all around us are monuments to those who have sustained us over the years in word or deed.

01:07:54.000 There in the distance stands the monument to the father of our country.

01:08:01.000 And behind me, the towering presence of the great emancipator.

01:08:08.000 There's a billion white people out there.

01:08:10.000 Look at all those white people. 0.96

01:08:14.000 There's probably one black guy and he's just crying because he's so happy there's so many white people around him because he loves white people.

01:08:22.000 And over these grounds where we are so honored to stand today... 0.95

01:08:26.000 Oh, shut it off. 0.57

01:08:26.000 Shut it off. 0.57

01:08:27.000 I can't take it.

01:08:28.000 I can't take it.

01:08:29.000 She's not a good speaker either. 0.92

01:08:30.000 I can't take it.

01:08:30.000 She's terrifying, man.

01:08:32.000 That bitch is frightening the fuck out of me. 1.00

01:08:34.000 Her and him together. 1.00

01:08:36.000 Because I believe when I look at Sarah Palin, I never even see a platform.

01:08:40.000 I don't see a philosophy.

01:08:41.000 I see ambition.

01:08:42.000 That's all I see.

01:08:43.000 Yes, exactly.

01:08:43.000 Ambition for power.

01:08:44.000 That's scary to me, man. 1.00

01:08:46.000 That scares the fucking shit out of me. 1.00

01:08:48.000 History's littered with demigods who ended up doing terrible things. 1.00

01:08:52.000 In the name of what?

01:08:54.000 Our team and the truth.

01:08:56.000 And the truth with a capital T. And we all have this desire to have someone lead us.

01:09:02.000 We all have this feeling where we need someone who's smarter and wiser, who represents us. 0.99

01:09:07.000 And when you're really fucking dumb, the problem is really dumb people, they get a say in everything too. 1.00

01:09:12.000 And they're subject to a lot of tricks. 1.00

01:09:15.000 They're subject to nationalism. 1.00

01:09:18.000 They're subject to these kind of ridiculous rah-rah-rah America speeches that don't say jack shit. 1.00

01:09:23.000 They say nothing. 1.00

01:09:24.000 It's all just this cheerleading fucking event. 1.00

01:09:26.000 And they're subject to it. 1.00

01:09:28.000 My team versus your team.

01:09:29.000 Yeah, they can't help it. 1.00

01:09:30.000 They're dumb. 1.00

01:09:31.000 They don't know they're being bullshitted. 1.00

01:09:33.000 They grew up around dumb people. 1.00

01:09:34.000 They go to work with dumb people. 1.00

01:09:36.000 There's no one in their family that's interesting or asks any questions at all. 1.00

01:09:39.000 And they just get sucked right into it, man.

01:09:41.000 And she seems to speak real good.

01:09:43.000 She seems like a normal person.

01:09:46.000 There was a scientist talking, I think it was on NPR somewhere, and he was saying that human beings are...

01:09:53.000 What is the word?

01:09:54.000 Human beings are cognitively selective, okay, naturally.

01:09:58.000 So what we'll do is when we have – we already have a point of view based on our childhood, based on our experiences, and we have a strong point of view.

01:10:04.000 And what happens is we're listening to a speech or we're listening to a philosopher or reading a book.

01:10:08.000 We'll cherry-pick only the facts that support and bolster our argument.

01:10:13.000 And one of the difficult things to do as you get older, and I think that's very important to do – Is to always step back and take a look at the flaws in your own argument and the flaws of your own philosophy and the paradigm that you carry around with you.

01:10:27.000 Because that's how you grow.

01:10:30.000 Take a look, a critical and honest look at yourself all the time.

01:10:34.000 That's my favorite thing about you.

01:10:35.000 You've always been so ridiculously critical and honest with yourself.

01:10:39.000 Not critical, but just always very honest, always reassessing.

01:10:42.000 I've always seen that with you.

01:10:43.000 You can make mistakes, man.

01:10:44.000 You can make mistakes because of emotions.

01:10:46.000 You can make mistakes because of insecurities.

01:10:48.000 It's huge.

01:10:48.000 It's very powerful to look at other people and go, you know what?

01:10:51.000 I fucked up. 1.00

01:10:52.000 I'm sorry. 0.98

01:10:52.000 I fucked up. 0.98

01:10:53.000 You never look bad when you're honest and vulnerable. 0.99

01:10:57.000 If you're a wild person, like I know you are, and I've been subject to being a...

01:11:02.000 I'm not very good at normal life.

01:11:07.000 You're living like a wild person. 0.99

01:11:10.000 Basically, a comic does whatever the fuck they want, man. 0.99

01:11:12.000 You're living as a professional comic. 1.00

01:11:14.000 You know, and everybody else is connected to some sort of a grid, and you're living wild and crazy, you're liable to do some crazy shit. 0.99

01:11:20.000 You're liable to find yourself in some weird situations, a little too drunk, a little too naughty. 0.95

01:11:24.000 Many in time when nobody watching for a man is a bad situation.

01:11:27.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:11:27.000 Hey, look, I got all this cash, nobody's looking, and I'm in Vegas!

01:11:30.000 You can be nuts. 0.99

01:11:31.000 You can make mistakes, you know? 1.00

01:11:33.000 It's so easy to make mistakes.

01:11:36.000 Well, there's this Zen poet that wrote a really cool poetic book called One Continuous Mistake, and that's what she calls life.

01:11:43.000 Life is one continuous mistake.

01:11:45.000 Well, it is.

01:11:45.000 It's like Jiu-Jitsu.

01:11:46.000 You start out, you get tapped all the time, and eventually you get a little bit better at not getting tapped.

01:11:51.000 Eventually you start tapping people, but there's always going to be more.

01:11:54.000 It never ends.

01:11:55.000 It doesn't go away.

01:11:58.000 It just gets bigger and bigger and crazier and crazier.

01:12:01.000 It doesn't end.

01:12:02.000 Do you ever surf, by the way? 0.74

01:12:03.000 No, but I went boogie boarding in Hawaii and it was fucking awesome.

01:12:06.000 I did not think it would be so viscerally satisfying. 0.86

01:12:08.000 I was just in France for nine days in the south of France called Biarritz.

01:12:12.000 Don't worry about it.

01:12:13.000 My buddy made a fortune in the banking industry.

01:12:14.000 You say this, it makes me so attracted to you.

01:12:16.000 I know.

01:12:16.000 The point is that I look, number one, great in a wetsuit, but I took lessons from the current French national champion.

01:12:29.000 God!

01:12:29.000 Third day, he had me on a wave.

01:12:31.000 I surfed five waves.

01:12:33.000 I was like, this is the greatest experience of my life.

01:12:36.000 A huge part of catching waves, a huge part of being a great surfer, is understanding exactly how to read the ocean.

01:12:43.000 It's being able to catch the wave.

01:12:45.000 Yes.

01:12:45.000 And the right wave.

01:12:46.000 And that takes literally so much.

01:12:49.000 It takes rhythm.

01:12:50.000 It takes patience.

01:12:51.000 It takes strength.

01:12:53.000 I'm glad I didn't start surfing when I was younger because I would have been out there now with no resume and a guy who could surf tubes because that is addictive, man.

01:13:04.000 Dude, don't tell me about it.

01:13:05.000 I'm terrified.

01:13:07.000 Oh, my God.

01:13:07.000 You know, that's what everybody does.

01:13:09.000 Really?

01:13:10.000 What a surprise!

01:13:11.000 That's what they do.

01:13:11.000 I mean, surfer culture is connected so deep with weed.

01:13:14.000 Have you seen riding giants?

01:13:16.000 No.

01:13:17.000 What is that?

01:13:17.000 I can't believe you haven't seen riding giants.

01:13:19.000 What is it?

01:13:19.000 Can you just put it up on YouTube?

01:13:22.000 Well, it's Laird Hamilton.

01:13:23.000 They surfed high waves.

01:13:24.000 Oh, I did see that.

01:13:25.000 Waves that are six to nine stories high.

01:13:27.000 Mexico, right?

01:13:28.000 All over the world.

01:13:29.000 They go in the middle of the ocean.

01:13:30.000 I didn't understand how crazy this was until I went to Hawaii and did boogie boarding.

01:13:35.000 Dude, the waves, when they surf giants, they move at 35 miles an hour, so you have to be tired.

01:13:39.000 Oh my god!

01:13:41.000 If you fall, there at Hamilton, he was riding, and they said, if he had fallen that wave, there's a 50% chance he would have just died.

01:13:49.000 You don't come up, because when you fall, there's another wave that's six stories high behind you, waiting to hit you again, and you then sent 100 yards into the ocean.

01:13:58.000 Oh my god, and they don't even have life vests on.

01:14:00.000 Life vests?

01:14:01.000 Oh my god! 1.00

01:14:02.000 You better either surf that tube, or you die, America! 0.99

01:14:06.000 Let's find out they did have life vests, did they? 0.98

01:14:08.000 No, they didn't.

01:14:09.000 They definitely didn't.

01:14:10.000 Oh my gosh!

01:14:11.000 You can't have a life vest because then you can't dive under the water and be saved.

01:14:14.000 Oh my god!

01:14:16.000 Riding giants.

01:14:17.000 Oh my god.

01:14:17.000 You can't have a life vest.

01:14:20.000 The fucking waves are 90 feet high. 1.00

01:14:24.000 They do. 1.00

01:14:25.000 No, they don't.

01:14:26.000 No, they don't.

01:14:27.000 They're doing this video.

01:14:28.000 You're not allowed to wear a light...

01:14:30.000 Those are the guys on the jet skis, not the guys surfing.

01:14:32.000 Is that a life vest?

01:14:33.000 No, that's not a life vest, dude.

01:14:34.000 You know what that is?

01:14:34.000 What is that?

01:14:35.000 That's a pad for when they hit the ground, they don't get the wind knocked out of them and then...

01:14:41.000 Go to sleep.

01:14:42.000 Yeah, a lot of dudes get paralyzed, man.

01:14:44.000 That's Larry Hamilton right there, surfing a wave.

01:14:47.000 You've got to talk into the microphone.

01:14:48.000 That's Laird Hamilton surfing a wave that if he had fallen, he wouldn't have made it.

01:14:52.000 Okay, and the video is entitled Riding Giants.

01:14:55.000 You can find it on YouTube.

01:14:57.000 Oh my God.

01:14:59.000 It's Laird Hamilton.

01:15:00.000 It actually said, oh my God.

01:15:02.000 That's hilarious.

01:15:03.000 And this guy's the first big rider.

01:15:05.000 There was a Hurricane 5 or something in Hawaii, and he went out on the Until you go into the water just to swim, all this is very abstract.

01:15:12.000 You don't realize the power of the ocean.

01:15:14.000 I know a lot of people that have never swam in the ocean before.

01:15:17.000 You ever get caught in a wave or in a tide where you get pulled back? 0.98

01:15:21.000 That's scary as fuck, man. 0.98

01:15:22.000 Oh my god, the ocean's so strong. 1.00

01:15:24.000 Dude, that is scary as fuck when you get caught in a tide. 0.93

01:15:27.000 Fishermen and those guys never lose their respect for the ocean. 0.98

01:15:30.000 Never, ever.

01:15:30.000 It's like if you surf in that crab fishing, if you fall in that water, you've got about five minutes before hypothermia and you die.

01:15:37.000 Why don't they have a cord in a helicopter? 0.95

01:15:40.000 Rent a helicopter to follow you around with a safety cord just in case if you get fucked up they can pull you up. 0.96

01:15:44.000 Because you can't do that. 0.76

01:15:45.000 Because the thing about surfing, when you're surfing waves that are six stories high, is you have to have the ability to dive under the water.

01:15:52.000 If you tried to be just a helicopter or a thing to hold you there and you got caught in that wave, first of all, it would break the cord or it would rip you in half.

01:16:03.000 That wave, those waves, when you get caught in those waves, if you're unlucky enough, you'll get sent underwater 20 feet and thrown a football field.

01:16:12.000 Oh my god, dude.

01:16:13.000 Listen to what he said.

01:16:15.000 Thrown a football field.

01:16:17.000 A football field underwater flying at 30 miles an hour.

01:16:21.000 Yeah, you're in a washing machine.

01:16:22.000 Oh my god.

01:16:24.000 Oh, what's that?

01:16:24.000 A boulder.

01:16:25.000 There's your head, stupid. 1.00

01:16:27.000 That's it. 1.00

01:16:27.000 That's a wrap, son. 1.00

01:16:28.000 Hey, guys die. 0.99

01:16:29.000 Dead. 0.99

01:16:29.000 Forever. 0.99

01:16:30.000 Oh, they die all the time, man.

01:16:31.000 This one dude off of San Francisco would paddle out a half a mile. 0.95

01:16:35.000 Oh my god.

01:16:36.000 And there were sharks.

01:16:37.000 He'd have a wetsuit.

01:16:38.000 And there was a wave that was...

01:16:39.000 They breed up there.

01:16:40.000 That's where the sharks breed.

01:16:41.000 For 15 years, he surfed that alone in an early morning and an early evening.

01:16:46.000 And would surf waves that were literally six stories, eight stories high.

01:16:50.000 Oh my god.

01:16:51.000 And the first day, Surfer Magazine brought a bunch of the best surfers out there.

01:16:55.000 One guy died.

01:16:55.000 San Francisco has waves that high?

01:16:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:16:57.000 Really?

01:16:58.000 There's a break where the waves are tidal waves.

01:17:00.000 Really?

01:17:01.000 Tidal waves.

01:17:02.000 Is it only in the winter?

01:17:03.000 I can't believe you haven't seen this movie.

01:17:05.000 I'm terrified.

01:17:06.000 I'm terrified of getting...

01:17:07.000 Dude, riding giants.

01:17:08.000 There's two things that I've always been terrified of.

01:17:11.000 Golf and surfing.

01:17:12.000 Ah, man.

01:17:13.000 I know. 0.99

01:17:13.000 When I had my problem with pool, where I was playing pool eight to ten hours a day, it was a massive obsession, but it was also fun as fuck. 0.99

01:17:22.000 There's something really rewarding about getting good at pool. 0.52

01:17:25.000 I never got to a professional level, but I got decent where I could run out if I had an open shot.

01:17:30.000 You were good.

01:17:30.000 When I was playing eight to ten hours a day, You get these crazy rewards for figuring out racks.

01:17:37.000 It's really like we're little junkies for some chemical that you get when you run out.

01:17:41.000 It's a difficult thing to do, so you get this weird, like, I figured it out reward.

01:17:47.000 Like you're figuring out life. 0.99

01:17:48.000 Meanwhile, you're just stuck in a room knocking balls into a hole like a retard. 1.00

01:17:52.000 But your brain is being flooded with this reward chemical. 0.93

01:17:56.000 And it gives you the ability to solve problems and use patience.

01:18:02.000 And try to come up with creative solutions.

01:18:04.000 Even though it seems to be just like balls on a table with six holes, what it really is is you've got to be creative in solving solutions and be rational in how you do it and control the ball.

01:18:14.000 It's very, very, very addictive.

01:18:16.000 But I know golf is too, so I've been terrified of golf.

01:18:19.000 Because everybody I know that's smart, they get into it.

01:18:22.000 They knock a ball.

01:18:23.000 It's exciting.

01:18:24.000 It's fun.

01:18:25.000 It's so rewarding.

01:18:26.000 I'm like, no, no, no.

01:18:27.000 My father takes lessons.

01:18:28.000 He goes to camps.

01:18:29.000 Yeah, see? 1.00

01:18:30.000 He's nuts. 0.97

01:18:31.000 And golf apparently is way more popular than pool. 0.90

01:18:34.000 So if that's the case, then it's got to be even more rewarding.

01:18:36.000 It doesn't make sense, right?

01:18:38.000 No doubt.

01:18:38.000 You're outside.

01:18:39.000 First of all, the setting.

01:18:42.000 All you're doing is swinging.

01:18:43.000 Just swing the club.

01:18:45.000 That's what cigars are all about, too.

01:18:47.000 Cigars are all about two things.

01:18:48.000 When you're lounging after you had a big fat steak, or if you're out with just a bunch of dudes and you know there's no chicks.

01:18:56.000 Or if you want to stink up a restaurant.

01:18:59.000 I'm going to enjoy this.

01:19:01.000 I'm going to knock this ball around. 1.00

01:19:04.000 I'm going to talk some shit. 0.99

01:19:05.000 I'm going to tell you about this porno that I jacked off to the other day. 1.00

01:19:08.000 I can say everything I want. 0.99

01:19:09.000 I can say everything I want. 0.99

01:19:11.000 When you get married, especially if you're a civilian, if you get married and you have kids and you're at home all day or after you get off work, you're at work all day, you have to adhere to one code, then you get home and you have to adhere to another code because you're not allowed to swear on the baby, you don't get much chance to cut loose and tell pussy stories. 0.99

01:19:29.000 I can tell stinky pussy stories from high school. 1.00

01:19:33.000 Smell my finger. 1.00

01:19:34.000 I remember that.

01:19:35.000 Dude, dude, dude.

01:19:36.000 Smell this. 1.00

01:19:36.000 How many guys have told you stinky pussy stories and you've been captivated like it was a goddamn Stephen King book? 1.00

01:19:44.000 Because we've all had these stories. 1.00

01:19:46.000 Eddie Bravo has the best one. 0.99

01:19:47.000 He was having sex with a girl and she had... 1.00

01:19:52.000 A yeast infection and her feet smelled at the same time. 0.99

01:19:55.000 And he was having sex with her in a truck. 1.00

01:19:57.000 He was like fucking her in an SUV. And he had to open up the window and stick his head out. 1.00

01:20:01.000 It's hilarious.

01:20:02.000 And he tells it.

01:20:03.000 It's brilliant.

01:20:04.000 I think he actually told it in one of the podcasts.

01:20:06.000 One of the past ones.

01:20:07.000 Did he?

01:20:08.000 You know what's funny?

01:20:09.000 He told him I don't be in Anthony.

01:20:11.000 I've been in those situations where it's been...

01:20:13.000 To use Jim Norton's joke, it smelled like an open grave.

01:20:17.000 Literally, I was like...

01:20:19.000 I was like...

01:20:19.000 Which is the best way to describe it, too.

01:20:21.000 It was an open grave.

01:20:22.000 I've been in a situation where I've been like, this is the worst smell I've ever... 1.00

01:20:25.000 It's worse than shit. 1.00

01:20:25.000 I might catch a disease, and guess what? 1.00

01:20:28.000 I keep going.

01:20:30.000 That's what a mess I am. 1.00

01:20:32.000 It smells worse than shit. 1.00

01:20:33.000 Girls will be like, oh my god. 1.00

01:20:35.000 I'm like, whatever. 0.99

01:20:36.000 Someone took a shit in the toilet. 0.99

01:20:37.000 The worst is when a girl doesn't... 1.00

01:20:38.000 She doesn't... 1.00

01:20:42.000 This girl I know had a really stinky pussy and I would know I was going to eat her pussy out. 1.00

01:20:45.000 I still wanted to do it. 1.00

01:20:47.000 So I just gargled before I did and kept a little gargle in my mouth and just kind of spit it on her pussy. 1.00

01:20:52.000 God! 1.00

01:20:52.000 You just spit Lysol on her pussy! 1.00

01:20:55.000 Actually, it's kind of genius. 1.00

01:20:58.000 Why is it so tingly?

01:21:00.000 Chemicals are wet, too.

01:21:01.000 Oh, Jesus!

01:21:02.000 It's minty, it's delicious. 1.00

01:21:03.000 It just probably smelled like shit with Listerine. 1.00

01:21:06.000 And then the Listerine burns the shit out of your aletra. 1.00

01:21:10.000 Oh, God. 0.99

01:21:11.000 Probably killed their chances of having babies. 1.00

01:21:13.000 No cavities, either.

01:21:14.000 I'm allergic to a spermicide on condoms, man.

01:21:17.000 Really?

01:21:17.000 Yeah.

01:21:18.000 What does it do to your dick? 1.00

01:21:19.000 I've worn a condom since the 80s, but the point is... 1.00

01:21:22.000 I saw one once and I broke out in the hives.

01:21:25.000 Dude, I get that.

01:21:26.000 That detergent gets in my pee hole. 1.00

01:21:28.000 Holy shit, man. 1.00

01:21:29.000 I'm done. 1.00

01:21:29.000 I'm peeing for the next fucking... 1.00

01:21:32.000 Maybe that's gonorrhea. 1.00

01:21:33.000 Anyway...

01:21:33.000 No, but I mean for real, man.

01:21:36.000 I'm allergic to that shit. 1.00

01:21:38.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

01:21:40.000 There's a lot of goddamn chemicals that aren't good for your system. 0.99

01:21:42.000 Well, we're exposed to so many different chemicals all the time. 0.99

01:21:46.000 Yeah.

01:21:46.000 It's crazy.

01:21:47.000 Yeah, what do you think about fluoride in the water? 1.00

01:21:49.000 Is that all bullshit? 1.00

01:21:50.000 I think it's all bullshit. 1.00

01:21:51.000 What do you think? 1.00

01:21:52.000 You think fluoride's healthy to be drinking?

01:21:53.000 I think it's been around for 40, 50 years, and we've had a pretty good control group, judging from what we've seen.

01:22:00.000 And, nah, I don't think it's...

01:22:02.000 You don't think it has any effect?

01:22:03.000 I don't think any of these things have an effect until they are combined with.

01:22:08.000 I think what happens with the human body is we get exposed by countless chemicals, and who knows what they're like in combination.

01:22:17.000 Hydrogen and oxygen, if you put them together in the right combination, they form water.

01:22:21.000 It's the same thing with anything.

01:22:22.000 Cigarettes and birth control can be deadly.

01:22:25.000 Truly, people die.

01:22:27.000 Girls die if they are smoking cigarettes and they take birth control. 1.00

01:22:30.000 Because they get blood clots.

01:22:32.000 They can go into stroke.

01:22:33.000 It's terrifying.

01:22:33.000 And so for me, that's always what it is.

01:22:36.000 It's a question of what are we being exposed to?

01:22:38.000 What is the umbrella of chemicals?

01:22:40.000 When is that happening?

01:22:42.000 And all that stuff.

01:22:43.000 What are the windows for it?

01:22:45.000 It's complicated.

01:22:46.000 It's very complicated.

01:22:47.000 The body, what I've found is I've always been really into health and I've always been really into especially keeping my energy where I need it.

01:22:53.000 And as I got older, I would always take different things, like I'd try supplements, I'd try this, and more protein.

01:22:57.000 And what I find actually, for me, is if I get enough sleep and then I eat just enough, your stomach is the size of a softball, you know, the adult stomach.

01:23:04.000 The adult male stomach is the size of a softball.

01:23:06.000 If I eat, you know, like just controlling my portions and eating good, real food, as long as I get enough sleep sometimes, that's all I need, just personally, for me.

01:23:17.000 You know, it's just a question of...

01:23:20.000 I can't remember what the hell we were even talking about.

01:23:24.000 He got to stone.

01:23:26.000 You were talking about going...

01:23:28.000 That's exactly why.

01:23:31.000 You went on a tangent.

01:23:32.000 That's what happened.

01:23:33.000 You were talking about if you go to the Applebee's, just use your palm of your thumb.

01:23:36.000 If you could fit the food on there, just eat that.

01:23:38.000 That's all you need.

01:23:39.000 That is true.

01:23:41.000 I always feel better when I have small meals throughout the day.

01:23:45.000 I don't feel as lethargic, but I'm a glutton.

01:23:49.000 And I will sit down and eat immense portions of food.

01:23:52.000 I've been eating a lot of steak lately, like all day.

01:23:56.000 Tell me about it.

01:23:57.000 When I work out, if I do kettlebells or if I do jiu-jitsu, I just come home and eat steak.

01:24:00.000 It's pretty bad for you, right?

01:24:02.000 No, it's not.

01:24:03.000 Meat's not bad for you at all.

01:24:04.000 There's no evidence.

01:24:05.000 I don't think meat is bad for you.

01:24:07.000 I think meat is bad for you if you don't exercise.

01:24:09.000 I think meat's bad for you if you don't also eat vegetables and things like that, maybe.

01:24:12.000 But I think, you know, there's another thing that I read in this silly quote that I'm going to give you that I don't know if I could back up.

01:24:19.000 It was in the same book about all people over 100 that lived to be over 100, almost all of them were red meat eaters.

01:24:26.000 Well, that's actually, if you go to TED.com and the guy who studied the six blue zones in the world where people live well over 100 years old, and one is in Sardinia, the other is in Okinawa, the other is actually the Seventh-day Adventists who live out in Montana, and he just took a look at these six different blue zones.

01:24:42.000 What's the common thread?

01:24:43.000 All of them ate meat, actually.

01:24:45.000 Fish.

01:24:49.000 And all of them, there are a couple of other things that they do, but the other thing is a lot of them eat fermented things like yogurt and stuff like that.

01:24:58.000 That's very important.

01:24:59.000 And in their culture, they also all have something to live for.

01:25:02.000 They all have a reason they get up every morning.

01:25:04.000 And a religious reason?

01:25:06.000 Oh no, I'm sorry.

01:25:06.000 The other major thing that he found had nothing to do with religion.

01:25:10.000 It had to do with how connected those communities were.

01:25:14.000 Connection they find when people have strong bonded communities in villages and things like that where they take care of each other and where even if somebody doesn't do as well, if there's a cultural sort of notion that it doesn't matter, you take care of that person, you make them feel safe.

01:25:31.000 Those are the longest lived people.

01:25:34.000 And in the book The Outliers where he looks at this place called Rosetta, which was this village in Italy called Rosetta, founded this – in the foothills of Pennsylvania, they created this community, built churches and they would all move from the marble quarries and move there and there was a marble quarry close to there. built churches and they would all move from the marble So this town Rosetta.

01:25:53.000 So this doctor went there to do this convention and he was talking to another doctor who had been practicing in Rosetta for a long time and this was in 1961.

01:26:02.000 And he said, you know, I got to tell you, These people cook with lard.

01:26:06.000 A lot of them are overweight.

01:26:08.000 They all come from the same part of Italy, and none of them die of heart disease.

01:26:12.000 They die of old age.

01:26:13.000 They went, that's weird because heart disease right now is an epidemic in our country.

01:26:17.000 So let's go study it.

01:26:18.000 So he took a bunch of people, and they were studying it.

01:26:19.000 They were like, maybe they come from a really hearty stock.

01:26:21.000 But the problem was the people that would move out of that town and go to another town would die of heart disease.

01:26:26.000 So he's like, that doesn't – so it's not a genetic hearty stock, although people there live long – What is it?

01:26:31.000 They're not even cooking with olive oil anymore.

01:26:33.000 They're cooking with lard.

01:26:35.000 And they do exercise, but they don't exercise as much.

01:26:38.000 And what they found was that they had a really, really strong community.

01:26:42.000 And that they all had this incredible support system.

01:26:46.000 So if somebody didn't make as much money or was a little slow, they still felt loved.

01:26:51.000 And when they would go to these medical conventions, they started trying to talk about health in terms of community.

01:26:56.000 In other words, human beings, yeah, you need to control your cholesterol and your fat and there's a science behind it.

01:27:01.000 There's also what is obviously very important for human beings for longevity is connection, feeling connected, feeling like they have connection and that they're loved.

01:27:11.000 It's like Avatar, bro.

01:27:12.000 Yes, it is.

01:27:13.000 And I'm a Na'vi! 1.00

01:27:14.000 I think it's just because they're so happy they get to fuck Asian women. 1.00

01:27:16.000 So that's why in all these different places, the hottest women, the happiness. 1.00

01:27:20.000 You like Asian women? 1.00

01:27:21.000 Yes.

01:27:22.000 A lot of Asian.

01:27:23.000 That's a terrible theory, bro.

01:27:25.000 Actually, I believe it's just lean fish.

01:27:27.000 Don't you?

01:27:28.000 I think health definitely has something to do with it.

01:27:31.000 Diet has something to do with it.

01:27:33.000 In Italians, a lot of parts of Italy, they eat a lot of seafood, a lot of fish, a lot of fresh fish.

01:27:38.000 A lot of vegetables.

01:27:39.000 What we think of as American Italian food, like meatballs and sausages and stuff like that.

01:27:43.000 I mean, they have that in Italy, but that's not really Italian food.

01:27:46.000 A lot of Italian food is seafood.

01:27:48.000 Right.

01:27:48.000 Like Il Grano, that place you took us to.

01:27:51.000 Brian introduced me to this really great restaurant.

01:27:54.000 It's in Santa Monica or West L.A.? It's in West L.A. on Purdue in Santa Monica called Il Grano.

01:27:58.000 Great restaurant.

01:27:59.000 The dude goes to the fish market every morning at 6 o'clock in the morning and gets what's fresh.

01:28:04.000 It's unbelievable. 1.00

01:28:04.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:28:06.000 What's his name? 1.00

01:28:07.000 Sal Marino.

01:28:08.000 Yeah, and he has these nine course dinners. 1.00

01:28:11.000 If you got the cheddar, if you could afford this shit, son... 1.00

01:28:13.000 Crazy expensive. 1.00

01:28:14.000 It's expensive.

01:28:15.000 But you know what?

01:28:16.000 It is an experience.

01:28:16.000 The dude is like an artist.

01:28:18.000 The dude's an artist.

01:28:19.000 He's a maestro.

01:28:20.000 He goes to the fish market.

01:28:21.000 He prepares all the meals himself.

01:28:22.000 He's fanatical.

01:28:24.000 The dude's dedicated to it.

01:28:25.000 Comes over to the table, introduces himself, talks to you, chats to you, explains to you what each different thing is and why they're together because...

01:28:32.000 This gives you one certain kind of taste.

01:28:35.000 He grows, I think, 36 different kinds of tomatoes in his yard. 0.97

01:28:38.000 He's a maniac. 0.99

01:28:39.000 He's a nut. 1.00

01:28:40.000 What's the name again? 0.99

01:28:41.000 He lives for food and lives for the details.

01:28:44.000 It's called Ilgrano.

01:28:45.000 Ilgrano.

01:28:46.000 I-L-G-R-A-N-O. Yeah. 1.00

01:28:48.000 It's on Purdue in Santa Monica, Baltimore.

01:28:50.000 Badass.

01:28:50.000 In West L.A. You know, that's one of the things about watching that Anthony Bourdain show.

01:28:54.000 I've always loved good restaurants, but I never really understood what was going on behind the scenes until I watched his show.

01:28:59.000 Really? 0.99

01:28:59.000 And I was like, wow, what a fucking... 0.99

01:29:00.000 He would bring you backstage to where all the Mexicans are. 1.00

01:29:03.000 And he's like, you know, he was in New York City, and he's like, this is the backbone of all the best restaurants, all the best chefs.

01:29:09.000 He goes, they're these Mexican guys.

01:29:10.000 Dude, they work so hard.

01:29:12.000 Those guys work so hard.

01:29:14.000 Super expensive restaurants.

01:29:14.000 I don't know what it is in the culture, like, Mexican culture, but I really have always been so impressed with how hard these dudes work.

01:29:20.000 They bust their ass. 0.99

01:29:21.000 People are like, I am anti-immigration. 1.00

01:29:22.000 Dude, these guys work their ass off, man.

01:29:25.000 They're nice people too, man. 1.00

01:29:26.000 Look, Mexicans in LA, you're not going to have any more assholes in the Mexican community per capita than you would in the white community or the black community. 1.00

01:29:36.000 There's always assholes per capita. 1.00

01:29:38.000 I know a lot of cool Mexicans, man. 1.00

01:29:41.000 I love Mexican food.

01:29:43.000 I'm not really into the music.

01:29:45.000 They can keep that music.

01:29:47.000 You keep them mariachas signed.

01:29:49.000 I would have to.

01:29:49.000 I love you.

01:29:51.000 Your food is awesome. 0.97

01:29:52.000 Your people are cool as fuck. 0.97

01:29:52.000 You make the best boxers ever. 0.97

01:29:54.000 All my favorite boxers.

01:29:55.000 Julio Cesar Chavez, my number one favorite boxer of all time.

01:29:57.000 Mexican.

01:29:58.000 Did you ever see a movie called Amoros Peros?

01:30:01.000 You don't want to have that on DVD? That's one of those that I bought and never watched.

01:30:05.000 That's one of my favorite.

01:30:06.000 Written and directed by a Mexican guy, Guillermo something. 0.98

01:30:08.000 I think that fucking Passion of the Christ cured me of anything with subtitles. 0.99

01:30:14.000 Oh, no, dude. 0.99

01:30:14.000 You've got to see it. 0.99

01:30:15.000 I know.

01:30:15.000 It's a great movie, I'm sure.

01:30:16.000 I saw those.

01:30:17.000 You'd love it, man.

01:30:18.000 Yeah.

01:30:18.000 What other movie did he do?

01:30:20.000 He did Pan's Labyrinth, I think.

01:30:21.000 Oh, that's Guillermo del Toro, then.

01:30:23.000 Yeah.

01:30:23.000 Yeah, dude.

01:30:24.000 Pan's Labyrinth is a badass.

01:30:25.000 He's a badass.

01:30:25.000 Although, I did not like his book, man.

01:30:27.000 I read his book, The Strain.

01:30:29.000 I didn't read it.

01:30:30.000 Oh, so disappointing, because it started out so badass.

01:30:33.000 It's a vampire book.

01:30:35.000 And it starts out where this plane lands and everyone on the plane is dead.

01:30:39.000 They've all been jacked by a vampire.

01:30:41.000 And the vampire flew in from another country and killed everyone on the plane and landed the plane. 1.00

01:30:46.000 And they couldn't communicate with the plane and they didn't know what the fuck to do. 0.99

01:30:49.000 It starts out badass.

01:30:51.000 Where you're like, whoa, where's this going?

01:30:52.000 But at the end of the book, it's like, and then he killed this one and this one came out and he killed him.

01:30:56.000 It's almost like they ran it. 1.00

01:30:57.000 Let's just finish this fucking book. 1.00

01:31:01.000 Stupid vampires on a plane. 1.00

01:31:02.000 I would love it if they rewrote. 1.00

01:31:04.000 I really wish they would go back and pick up where you got in like 30-40% in.

01:31:08.000 Let's try it again.

01:31:09.000 Let's try the end again.

01:31:10.000 Let's try another ending.

01:31:11.000 What was the movie?

01:31:11.000 What was the one movie that scared the shit out of you more than anything else?

01:31:14.000 The Blair Witch Project scared the fuck out of me, man. 0.93

01:31:16.000 When it first came out?

01:31:17.000 Twice.

01:31:18.000 Two times.

01:31:19.000 The first time it scared me is because me and Chris McGuire went to go see it in Houston, Texas.

01:31:24.000 We were performing at the Laugh Stop, and these dudes who worked across the street at the movie theater came over to the show, and this was pre-fear factor.

01:31:32.000 I was on news radio.

01:31:34.000 Very few people really knew who I was, but I had a good following in Texas for some strange reason.

01:31:37.000 And these guys came over after the show and go, hey, man, you want to go watch the Blair Witch Project?

01:31:42.000 We work at the movie theater.

01:31:43.000 We'll turn it on.

01:31:44.000 We'll all go hang out there. 1.00

01:31:45.000 And we're like, fuck it. 1.00

01:31:46.000 Yeah, let's go. 1.00

01:31:46.000 So me and Chris McGuire go across the street with these two dudes and this dude's girlfriend and watch the Blair Witch Project at 2 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday night after the midnight show. 1.00

01:31:55.000 And it was fucking scary, man. 0.88

01:31:58.000 Because first of all, it was scary because I didn't know what this movie was about. 0.99

01:32:00.000 I didn't know if it was a hoax. 0.99

01:32:02.000 I'm sensing bullshit. 0.99

01:32:04.000 I'm sensing acting. 0.99

01:32:05.000 I go, this is not real.

01:32:07.000 They're not trying to say this is real.

01:32:09.000 I knew almost nothing about it.

01:32:11.000 I just heard. 0.99

01:32:12.000 Dude, it was fucking... 1.00

01:32:14.000 Scary! 1.00

01:32:15.000 It was scary!

01:32:16.000 I mean, it was obviously...

01:32:17.000 I was laughing because I was like... 0.99

01:32:18.000 See, the problem is I saw that little video when everybody told me it was bullshit. 1.00

01:32:22.000 Oh, no. 0.99

01:32:23.000 You see that before?

01:32:24.000 That was the first time it scared me.

01:32:25.000 The second time it scared me is when I took...

01:32:28.000 I don't remember who I was dating at the time, but I took this girl to go see it with me.

01:32:33.000 And when I took her to go see it with me, as I was...

01:32:36.000 Oh, it was Jessica.

01:32:37.000 And as we were watching it, there was a dude who had his kid there. 0.99

01:32:40.000 And his kid was making so much fucking noise. 0.95

01:32:44.000 And the kid was like five or six or something like that. 0.99

01:32:47.000 And so I shushed him. 0.96

01:32:50.000 And this Mexican dude freaked the fuck out on me. 1.00

01:32:54.000 And he's like, motherfucker, don't shush my kid, motherfucker. 1.00

01:32:58.000 You know, fucking bitch. 1.00

01:32:59.000 Straight up, bitch. 1.00

01:32:59.000 I'll kick your ass, bitch. 1.00

01:33:01.000 And I'm like, oh, what are we going to deal with here? 1.00

01:33:04.000 What the fuck am I going to deal with here? 0.97

01:33:05.000 So you know what I did? 0.99

01:33:06.000 I said nothing.

01:33:07.000 I just looked at the dude and said nothing.

01:33:09.000 And I tried to think about what's going to happen here.

01:33:11.000 Is this guy going to have a gun?

01:33:12.000 What have I put myself in?

01:33:13.000 What kind of a situation am I putting myself in? 0.97

01:33:15.000 Worst case scenario, you have to beat him up in front of his kid, which would suck. 0.96

01:33:18.000 This guy was yelling at me. 0.99

01:33:21.000 So he didn't give a fuck that there's hundreds of people in this movie theater. 1.00

01:33:24.000 That's the craziest thing about L.A. You never know when you're going to run into someone who's completely out of their fucking mind. 1.00

01:33:29.000 And with his kid. 1.00

01:33:30.000 And people with their kids are crazy, man. 0.93

01:33:32.000 And this dude, I was looking at him, he's all fleshy and chubby. 0.91

01:33:35.000 I'm like, this is not like a dude who wants to fight. 0.95

01:33:38.000 It's like a dude who wants to shoot me.

01:33:40.000 You know, that's a scary thing about how many people in LA have guns.

01:33:43.000 And the type of person who will just come at you that aggressively out of nowhere, you know, when you look, really, it's his fault, okay?

01:33:51.000 If that was me and my kid was, and someone went, shh, I'd have been like, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, come on, let's go.

01:33:56.000 We gotta go, we gotta go.

01:33:57.000 We gotta take you out of here until you calm down. 1.00

01:33:59.000 But this motherfucker... 1.00

01:34:00.000 Not a very rational guy. 1.00

01:34:01.000 This motherfucker yelled at me, man. 1.00

01:34:03.000 It was like, whoa, this is not good. 1.00

01:34:05.000 So then I was scared twice by the Blair Witch Project. 0.54

01:34:08.000 LAUGHTER That's the second time.

01:34:11.000 That is the problem.

01:34:11.000 Second time, much scarier.

01:34:12.000 Like, every time I thought about that movie, I thought about that dude.

01:34:15.000 Dude, I saw a shooting.

01:34:16.000 I was on Vermont.

01:34:18.000 I was on Vermont, literally, like, right near the town.

01:34:22.000 You actually saw the shooting happen?

01:34:23.000 I saw the shooting.

01:34:24.000 I was in traffic.

01:34:26.000 It was, like, about four in the afternoon.

01:34:27.000 And these dudes get out of the car and go, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. 1.00

01:34:30.000 And he empties a clip, a Glock, into this other car.

01:34:33.000 Misses the car.

01:34:34.000 Oh, my God.

01:34:34.000 And then he stands there and looks...

01:34:36.000 I remember he had his sunglasses on the back of his head, and he stands there and looks, and he's looking like that, and he just casually, casually walks back. 0.98

01:34:47.000 And I go, holy shit. 0.96

01:34:49.000 I'm like, watch this. 0.99

01:34:50.000 I'm stuck in traffic when this happens.

01:34:52.000 I turn, and a cop is right next to me.

01:34:55.000 And I go, did you see that?

01:34:57.000 And the guy goes, what?

01:34:58.000 And I go, that guy just emptied his clip.

01:35:01.000 That car there emptied his clip into that car.

01:35:04.000 The dude had come around this way and went off.

01:35:06.000 And the guy goes like this.

01:35:07.000 The cop goes, over there?

01:35:09.000 I go, yeah.

01:35:10.000 And he goes, uh, right.

01:35:11.000 And he grabs a thing, and then the traffic's starting to move.

01:35:14.000 And I'm like, do you want to go ahead?

01:35:16.000 So had he not seen it?

01:35:17.000 He didn't see it.

01:35:18.000 And he was right next to me, and the guy emptied the clip.

01:35:20.000 But, you know, outside, it sounded like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:35:25.000 But, you know, you figure, is it construction?

01:35:27.000 And I turn, I see a guy emptying a gun.

01:35:29.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. 1.00

01:35:30.000 A cop should know what a goddamn gun sounds like. 1.00

01:35:32.000 I bet you he didn't hear it. 1.00

01:35:34.000 He had Bluetooth on, probably.

01:35:36.000 His window rolled up.

01:35:37.000 You know what?

01:35:39.000 Yeah, especially if he's listening to the radio.

01:35:41.000 And it's traffic, and it's really loud.

01:35:43.000 And the dude just emptied the clip right there, and they got away.

01:35:45.000 No problem.

01:35:46.000 I kept driving, and then he kind of pulled the other way, and I was like, well, there it goes.

01:35:50.000 So they completely got away.

01:35:52.000 They completely got away.

01:35:53.000 How much investigation do you think is done to that?

01:35:55.000 Zero.

01:35:56.000 Really?

01:35:57.000 Zero.

01:35:57.000 They've got to file a report.

01:35:59.000 There's too many people out here.

01:36:00.000 When I was talking about that purse thing and all the cops came, they're like, so you got the license plate number?

01:36:05.000 And I gave it to him and he goes, yeah, didn't come up with anything.

01:36:07.000 I'm like, well, two of us, two people sell the license plate number.

01:36:11.000 They do full list and stuff.

01:36:11.000 You use like typing in a computer and go, all right, white Mazda.

01:36:15.000 These are all the white Mazdas matched with five of the letters or something like that. 0.90

01:36:19.000 You know what I mean?

01:36:20.000 Do you know how crimes are still – They're not going to do any of that.

01:36:22.000 Do you know how the majority of crimes are still solved?

01:36:24.000 Almost all of them.

01:36:25.000 It's never CSI work.

01:36:27.000 It's confessions.

01:36:28.000 Really?

01:36:28.000 Yeah.

01:36:29.000 Still.

01:36:30.000 Confessions and human interaction and cops who are really good at getting people to just feel safe and saying, look, first they empathize.

01:36:38.000 Let's just give them ecstasy. 1.00

01:36:39.000 I bet everybody would confess.

01:36:41.000 Exactly.

01:36:41.000 I'm serious.

01:36:42.000 Give prisoners ecstasy.

01:36:44.000 Just hit them up with two tabs.

01:36:46.000 It wouldn't stand up in court.

01:36:48.000 We need to change the court then.

01:36:50.000 We need to change that.

01:36:52.000 Anything that you say under ecstasy, if you're on ecstasy, you're going to tell the truth.

01:36:56.000 There are drugs that are better than that, though.

01:36:57.000 Are they?

01:36:57.000 Way better.

01:36:58.000 Yeah, but they don't make you feel good.

01:37:00.000 You make someone feel good, they're more likely to tell you everything.

01:37:02.000 I think sodium pentothal will make you just relaxed or something.

01:37:05.000 If it did, then people would take it at raves.

01:37:07.000 Good point.

01:37:08.000 Who would have sodium pentothal set up at raves?

01:37:10.000 Not stopped.

01:37:11.000 You're right. 1.00

01:37:12.000 Ecstasy is the shit. 0.99

01:37:13.000 But after I saw that shooting, I remember I was really depressed, and for three days I said to my buddy, I go, I don't know, man, I feel depressed or something ever since I saw that shooting. 1.00

01:37:20.000 And my buddy goes...

01:37:21.000 Yeah!

01:37:22.000 You're supposed to!

01:37:24.000 That's normal to feel really scared and depressed when you see someone trying to kill someone else.

01:37:28.000 You know, they prescribe ecstasy for people that have got post-traumatic stress disorder?

01:37:31.000 Makes sense.

01:37:32.000 Yeah.

01:37:32.000 That's one of the things that they say that it's a beneficial thing.

01:37:35.000 By the way, I only took ecstasy once.

01:37:37.000 Let's just specify.

01:37:38.000 I've said this before.

01:37:39.000 I've taken it twice.

01:37:40.000 It was scary.

01:37:40.000 I would never do it again.

01:37:42.000 I did not like how I felt the next day. 0.98

01:37:44.000 The next day, I was so dumb. 0.97

01:37:46.000 I couldn't read. 0.99

01:37:47.000 I literally couldn't read.

01:37:48.000 I got a cold.

01:37:49.000 I was like, this is terrible for your body.

01:37:50.000 What I'm doing, that was not like mushrooms or anything where I got something out of it, but my body felt almost better and more energized.

01:37:57.000 You've got to go through a mushroom trip, you feel good at the end of it.

01:38:00.000 You feel a little exhausted, but you feel good physically.

01:38:03.000 You feel like you've lost a lot of stress.

01:38:05.000 Did they used to prescribe it?

01:38:07.000 Or they don't do it now still.

01:38:09.000 No!

01:38:10.000 People have done therapeutic tests using it, and there's a lot of evidence that it helps people with all sorts of things in their life, in their past, dealing with things.

01:38:20.000 What does even better is Ibogaine.

01:38:22.000 Ibogaine is this thing...

01:38:23.000 My friend Ed Clay was just telling me how it changed his life.

01:38:26.000 Ibogaine is this drug that is illegal in America, but legal in Mexico.

01:38:32.000 So a lot of people go down to Mexico to take it, and they have these Ibogaine therapy places where they're some incredibly high percentage, over 80% successful in curing people of opiate addiction with virtually no hangover.

01:38:45.000 It literally rewires your entire brain.

01:38:47.000 It's supposed to be one of the most intensely introspective experiences a human being could go through.

01:38:53.000 My friend Ed said that it was like...

01:38:55.000 He re-learned his whole life, like literally went back over things that he did when he was a child and things that his father said to him when he was young that made him today.

01:39:06.000 But graphically, in high detail, like you're watching it in a film, and brilliantly demonstrates all the areas in your life where you're behaving and acting in a certain way.

01:39:18.000 And what this addiction really is, is some sort of a whole...

01:39:21.000 In the way your mind has been wired and it almost like sets everything, resets everything, and lets everything jingle into place and you get a much better map of what your mind is and how your mind works.

01:39:33.000 And it's like hugely successful in curing people of heroin addiction.

01:39:38.000 Wow.

01:39:39.000 It's illegal in this country, but he said it completely changed his life. 0.99

01:39:43.000 He started thinking about his relationships with his family and all his childhood shit and just saved the way he thinks. 0.80

01:39:50.000 So he just feels so much more loving and friendly and cool and kind. 0.88

01:39:54.000 He had an air of relief about him.

01:39:56.000 It was really kind of cool.

01:39:57.000 That's wild.

01:39:58.000 Yeah.

01:39:58.000 Illegal in America.

01:40:00.000 Why would you want to get enlightened?

01:40:01.000 We don't have room for that.

01:40:02.000 No, we got room for Big Macs.

01:40:04.000 We got no room for enlightenment. 0.99

01:40:05.000 There are a million people going to see Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin at the fucking Washington Monument on the eve of the Martin Luther King I Have a Dream speech. 0.99

01:40:14.000 We have no room for enlightenment. 0.98

01:40:15.000 We don't have any room for you here.

01:40:17.000 You can do that in Mexico if you like.

01:40:19.000 If you want to deal with the drug cartels, you know they behead people.

01:40:22.000 You know those guys. 0.56

01:40:23.000 Go down there and see God.

01:40:24.000 You know that humanitarian bunch.

01:40:25.000 Yeah, you want to go down there and see God?

01:40:27.000 Mexicans have been rocking it for a long time, man.

01:40:29.000 Mexicans were rocking it in mushrooms way before we figured it out. 1.00

01:40:32.000 Well, it's like peyote.

01:40:33.000 Joseph Campbell wrote this book about why peyote came into existence.

01:40:36.000 And when the Native Americans, the peyote Indians, were losing all their... 0.99

01:40:41.000 Land, including even their animals.

01:40:43.000 The mythology was all wrapped up in the buffalo and the animals around them.

01:40:47.000 We went through that in the 1800s when they were essentially laying in the railroad shooting all the buffalo and lacing the body with strychnine and all the other animals would eat it.

01:40:56.000 500 million animals they think probably died in the space of 20 years.

01:41:00.000 It used to look like the plains of Africa.

01:41:02.000 And when the peyotes realized that everything to their mythology, think about this, your whole mythology, everything that you based your culture on, the animals themselves are gone.

01:41:14.000 Wiped out in two generations.

01:41:15.000 Two generations.

01:41:16.000 It was 20 years.

01:41:17.000 Not two generations, it was 20 years.

01:41:19.000 And when that happens on such a drastic level, they started taking the peyote to go within their consciousness to find that nostalgia for something that's beyond themselves.

01:41:28.000 Wait a minute, so peyote use only started when...

01:41:30.000 Only started in the 1800s with the peyote Really?

01:41:33.000 Yeah.

01:41:34.000 That's fascinating.

01:41:35.000 I did not know that.

01:41:36.000 That is fascinating.

01:41:39.000 Now, indigenous people have always taken various... 0.99

01:41:43.000 I'm sure the peyote knew about that particular...

01:41:47.000 Maybe it was just for the shaman.

01:41:48.000 Mexicans were... 1.00

01:41:49.000 They had shamans and they were big with cubensis mushrooms.

01:41:53.000 Thousands of years ago. 0.96

01:41:54.000 They've had those for a long human beings have always you know The most fascinating thing to me about Mexico is how they're like a thousand Mayan temples They believe that have not been discovered like they'll go digging up apartment buildings and shit in Mexico City. 0.66

01:42:06.000 They're like They're replacing something, they knock something down, and then they have to stop because they find a Mayan temple. 0.93

01:42:12.000 That's wild. 0.99

01:42:12.000 That's no bullshit, man. 0.99

01:42:13.000 That's amazing. 0.99

01:42:14.000 How crazy that is. 0.99

01:42:15.000 They have fucking Mayan temples, and they find them when they're digging up apartment buildings. 0.99

01:42:19.000 One of the most complex and bizarre cultures to ever exist. 1.00

01:42:23.000 They used to play football with human heads. 0.98

01:42:26.000 They made these incredible fucking geometric patterns for structures, yet they didn't even invent shoes. 0.99

01:42:31.000 They had complex calendars that mapped out their solar system and predicted solar and lunar eclipses. 1.00

01:42:37.000 The fucking dude, man. 1.00

01:42:39.000 And then they just disappeared. 1.00

01:42:41.000 It's crazy.

01:42:42.000 They disappeared because of plague?

01:42:43.000 They don't know. 0.99

01:42:45.000 And they know that they used to have a lot of shit written on paper, but it's very difficult to find. 0.99

01:42:50.000 The way Mayan language is written, too, it's very difficult to decipher. 0.98

01:42:56.000 Because a word to them or a symbol to them actually means a sound.

01:43:04.000 Terrence McKenna described it.

01:43:06.000 He said that if you said, like, I saw Aunt Rose...

01:43:09.000 You would have to have an eyeball, a saw, an ant, and a rose.

01:43:15.000 Oh, wow.

01:43:15.000 And so that's how you would say, I saw, ant, rose.

01:43:18.000 Wow.

01:43:18.000 So it was all phonetic.

01:43:20.000 Yeah, so all these little different dudes, little different characters, these weird fucking things that they would draw, and they would put them all together, they all meant different sounds. 0.83

01:43:30.000 So then you had to figure out, like, okay, it means a certain word, and how does it go with this one? 0.90

01:43:34.000 In a way, though, you could almost say that's the same thing with...

01:43:37.000 With actually any language?

01:43:39.000 Yes, but it's pictures.

01:43:40.000 They're drawings.

01:43:41.000 Okay, yeah.

01:43:42.000 You know, they're weird.

01:43:43.000 I mean, there's little dots and stuff.

01:43:44.000 There's certain things that they used to figure out dates.

01:43:46.000 But a lot of it is like these weird depictions. 0.99

01:43:48.000 You know, a fucking moon with an eyeball and a snake. 0.97

01:43:51.000 And, you know, these things all mean different things. 0.99

01:43:53.000 It's very strange, man. 0.96

01:43:54.000 Damn, that'd be really difficult. 0.99

01:43:55.000 They had this crazy, complex society. 1.00

01:43:57.000 Or is that a jungle for that?

01:43:58.000 Living in the jungle.

01:43:59.000 Living in the jungle.

01:43:59.000 This weird society that was mapping out the heavens.

01:44:02.000 I mean, think about that back in the 100s.

01:44:04.000 Sometimes I wonder, though, if that's a product of not so much a culture, but a set of circumstances.

01:44:12.000 For example, why did Socrates and Plato and Aristotle come out of Greece?

01:44:18.000 How did Greece become this hub of civilization?

01:44:24.000 Well, a lot of their stuff came from Egypt.

01:44:26.000 Well, no, not just that, but the idea was that Greece was a country that because they could export timber, olive oil, and wine, they didn't have to live on a subsistence level.

01:44:39.000 So they had three months of the year to just sit back and kind of hang out.

01:44:43.000 And think about things.

01:44:44.000 Wow.

01:44:45.000 So cultures that had the luxury of being able to sell or not only their merchandise or create a system where they could actually be wealthy.

01:44:54.000 Surplus.

01:44:54.000 Yeah.

01:44:55.000 They had time to sit back and actually think about things.

01:44:59.000 So you probably in Mayan culture had a similar situation where four or five or six or maybe whatever geniuses were given room to flourish.

01:45:09.000 I'm sure geniuses are born all the time, but they're just not in circumstances where they can flourish or have opportunity.

01:45:14.000 And this was a culture that allowed for that.

01:45:17.000 And they came up with – it takes one great mathematician to change everybody's whole world, right?

01:45:22.000 Yeah, one genius.

01:45:23.000 It takes one genius.

01:45:24.000 One Tesla comes up with a hundred inventions that fix everything.

01:45:28.000 And gives rise to all the other scientists who piggyback on that.

01:45:32.000 So many people don't even realize.

01:45:33.000 If it wasn't for Nikola Tesla, we'd probably be living back like they were in the 70s.

01:45:37.000 We'd probably be a few decades behind.

01:45:39.000 I've heard that.

01:45:39.000 I've heard he was the great genius.

01:45:40.000 He's the craziest wizard ever, man. 0.93

01:45:43.000 What an insane inventor that guy was.

01:45:47.000 Yeah, I mean, there's been a bunch of guys who changed culture like that, but I wonder if that's what it was, whether it was some super group of Mayans that were super intelligent, and then eventually they died off, and the culture died off. 0.53

01:45:59.000 Look at the founding fathers.

01:46:00.000 I mean, the idea that those guys wrote the Constitution, a bunch of men in their 30s— That's incredible.

01:46:05.000 It is an incredible thing.

01:46:06.000 That document in the Federalist Papers, one of the great ideas of philosophy, you're talking about men in their 30s who solved the political problem.

01:46:12.000 Yeah, they tried to keep it together.

01:46:13.000 They solved politics. 1.00

01:46:14.000 They came here from another fucking country that sucked. 1.00

01:46:17.000 I know. 1.00

01:46:17.000 And decided to start another country. 1.00

01:46:19.000 Start over.

01:46:19.000 And they solved the political problem.

01:46:22.000 They created the Constitution.

01:46:22.000 They created the greatest government.

01:46:24.000 Because you know why?

01:46:25.000 It was based on freedom.

01:46:26.000 And like you were talking about, it was based on freedom for the individual.

01:46:29.000 And it wasn't based on government bureaucracy.

01:46:31.000 Government was a necessary evil.

01:46:33.000 What do you think that it's possible to get back to that?

01:46:37.000 Is it possible?

01:46:38.000 It's not possible if all these people are buying into Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

01:46:42.000 Look, I think it's possible for the idea, and it's very resilient and strong in American culture still, and it's part of the American spirit, the concept and the idea that...

01:46:52.000 I, as an individual, have protection to speak my mind, to gain profit from my own ingenuity and my own risk-taking, to worship or say what I want, as long as it doesn't, you know, incite a riot or whatever, etc., etc.

01:47:08.000 Those kinds of things, I think, are very strong.

01:47:12.000 I think this country has always swayed from one extreme to the other, or somewhere in the middle.

01:47:18.000 There are always trends that push us toward the left, trends that push us toward the right. 0.96

01:47:22.000 I think the issue now is that you have so many people who, for such a cheap price, can get on TV, and if they've got a good speaking voice, or a sharp profile, or they say things that are inflammatory, you've got enough people where shit is changing so quickly today.

01:47:39.000 A lot of people are just afraid of how fast things are changing, especially technology.

01:47:44.000 You're going to have people who want to get back to the old way of living, the status quo, God, guts and guns, whatever it might be.

01:47:53.000 They want to go back to a John Wayne movie.

01:47:54.000 Yeah, so it doesn't surprise me that when my boy Glenn Beck says, we're bringing our country back to God, people go, that's the nostalgia I remember, the 50s or whatever it might be.

01:48:04.000 Let's get back to basics. 0.99

01:48:05.000 Human That dude wrote that shit and allowed for a pause after God. 1.00

01:48:11.000 He's a performer! 1.00

01:48:13.000 He's an actor!

01:48:14.000 He's like, okay, God, when I say God, that's gonna get him.

01:48:17.000 They're gonna be clapping then.

01:48:19.000 Okay, so I'll take a deep breath.

01:48:21.000 Dramatic pause.

01:48:22.000 Dramatic pause.

01:48:23.000 Go.

01:48:25.000 It's all the music.

01:48:26.000 But it's unfortunate that it works, man.

01:48:29.000 It's unfortunate.

01:48:30.000 We need to get the population on mushrooms.

01:48:32.000 We need to get this population on mushrooms. 0.73

01:48:34.000 Hey, drugs are where I draw the line, Buster.

01:48:37.000 Listen, I draw the line with drugs as well.

01:48:38.000 I think that's the line.

01:48:40.000 Take drugs. 1.00

01:48:42.000 Someone needs to fucking show you some shit. 1.00

01:48:43.000 Joe, you've got to be an example to the kids, man. 1.00

01:48:45.000 Listen, I'm not saying everybody should do drugs.

01:48:47.000 What I'm saying is some people should do drugs.

01:48:48.000 What's your thought on this?

01:48:50.000 What's your thought on not only steroids in sports, but the idea that technology is going to allow us to start doping our genes and all that stuff.

01:48:56.000 What do we do about that?

01:48:57.000 Myostatin inhibitors.

01:48:58.000 What are you going to do when that happens?

01:48:59.000 I don't know.

01:48:59.000 You guys got a super body.

01:49:00.000 I'm going to be looking like...

01:49:01.000 I'll tell you who's going to be taking him.

01:49:03.000 This guy!

01:49:04.000 You look like Conad.

01:49:05.000 You're going to look like Conad.

01:49:05.000 That's right.

01:49:06.000 You're going to grow your hair long. 1.00

01:49:07.000 I'm going to get my armpit hairs fucking... 1.00

01:49:10.000 Tattooed. 0.99

01:49:10.000 No, they're going to be able to clone hair. 0.99

01:49:11.000 That's what I want.

01:49:12.000 And I want them to genetically engineer it.

01:49:13.000 I want a horse tail.

01:49:14.000 Just clone me a whole new scalp. 1.00

01:49:16.000 This shit's useless. 1.00

01:49:17.000 Give me a horse tail. 1.00

01:49:17.000 Get me a new one. 1.00

01:49:18.000 This one's a mess. 0.99

01:49:20.000 Just upload your brain into somebody else's body.

01:49:22.000 You think that's going to be able to be possible?

01:49:24.000 I think so.

01:49:24.000 Merge brains, maybe?

01:49:25.000 I think we're going to run some muck and start deleting files. 1.00

01:49:28.000 Some crazy bitch. 1.00

01:49:28.000 You let her in your brain. 1.00

01:49:29.000 You're deleting your childhood. 1.00

01:49:30.000 Fuck your childhood. 1.00

01:49:31.000 I'm what matters. 1.00

01:49:32.000 I'm what matters.

01:49:34.000 Flush, flush.

01:49:35.000 They say they're going to be able to reverse engineer the brain.

01:49:38.000 Learning how the brain deals.

01:49:40.000 And then you're going to be able to tap into somebody else's brain through a net.

01:49:43.000 You'll have other experiences.

01:49:44.000 You'll be able to experience what it's like to be somebody else.

01:49:46.000 That's not nearly as crazy as it is to send a picture through the air to someone in Australia.

01:49:50.000 You can do that right now.

01:49:51.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:49:52.000 It's beyond.

01:49:53.000 It goes over the ocean.

01:49:54.000 It's magic. 0.99

01:49:55.000 It takes like 11 hours in a plane to go where that fucking picture goes in a couple of seconds. 0.94

01:50:00.000 Yeah, it's why people who aren't scientifically minded, who don't believe in the scientific process and stuff, always crack me up. 0.95

01:50:05.000 Who?

01:50:05.000 Who doesn't believe in the scientific process?

01:50:07.000 You hear about that stuff all the time.

01:50:08.000 There's some people that think that science is arrogant because it doesn't consider some things like astrology or psychic...

01:50:17.000 But there's no way to scientifically prove that astrology works.

01:50:21.000 Well, science can only prove something that happens over and over again, and you can measure it.

01:50:24.000 That's what it's all about.

01:50:25.000 Exactly.

01:50:26.000 But we benefit so greatly from that.

01:50:28.000 Yeah.

01:50:28.000 But it's both.

01:50:30.000 To not apply it to everything.

01:50:31.000 But it's both. 0.72

01:50:32.000 I have to pee out of my pee hole.

01:50:33.000 You can go right over there. 0.99

01:50:34.000 Do that in your bathroom.

01:50:35.000 Right in this direction.

01:50:38.000 A lot of cords around here.

01:50:39.000 This is very unprofessional, ladies and gentlemen.

01:50:40.000 We apologize.

01:50:42.000 Brian, do you have a song that can take us through this moment?

01:50:45.000 Well, how come...

01:50:46.000 No, we don't have to play the song.

01:50:48.000 Just go in there and pee, bro. 0.84

01:50:49.000 We're going to come up with topics to talk about when you get back.

01:50:51.000 Just make a pee-pee. 0.83

01:50:53.000 No, no song.

01:50:53.000 We don't need any song, bro.

01:50:55.000 So what would you have done if that guy stopped and ran after you?

01:50:58.000 The guy that you chased after when he...

01:51:00.000 You saw, for people who didn't hear earlier, Brian saw someone trying to steal someone's purse.

01:51:04.000 The guy ran away, and Brian chased after the dude.

01:51:07.000 Well, the problem is I just wasn't fearful of him because he was an Indian.

01:51:10.000 I have no idea why.

01:51:11.000 Like, I mean, swear to God, if he was... 1.00

01:51:13.000 Do you even have Indian dudes all over the country that want to beat your ass right now? 1.00

01:51:15.000 I know, but I'm just... 1.00

01:51:16.000 Russell Peters is going to throw a beating on you next time he sees you.

01:51:18.000 Yeah, like, do you... 0.81

01:51:19.000 Like, Russell Peters is mad at you.

01:51:20.000 Would you be...

01:51:21.000 I don't know.

01:51:22.000 Um, Russell Peters, I bet he's got a good jab. 0.98

01:51:24.000 I just think, you know, even their movies, like, their, like, Hollywood movies that Indian people do, like, their main stars are, like, ridiculous. 1.00

01:51:31.000 Well, India has a bunch of badass wrestlers. 0.91

01:51:33.000 Did they?

01:51:34.000 Yeah.

01:51:34.000 India has a lot of badass wrestlers.

01:51:36.000 Yeah.

01:51:36.000 There's a bunch of people that were working on the big giant skyscrapers in Dubai.

01:51:42.000 Right.

01:51:42.000 And this was another Anthony Bourdain show.

01:51:45.000 And while they're working, when they have days off, they wrestle in the park.

01:51:49.000 And they wrestle for money.

01:51:51.000 And they're like these badass wrestlers.

01:51:52.000 Like... 1.00

01:51:53.000 So that Indian would fuck you up, son! 1.00

01:51:55.000 That's what I'm trying to say. 1.00

01:51:56.000 It's not in their culture or something.

01:51:57.000 Or maybe I'm just so used to that video, that little superstar.

01:52:00.000 There's Indian martial arts, especially wrestling, that goes back way a long time in their culture.

01:52:05.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:52:06.000 You know that video of that little Indian guy that's like a midget, though? 1.00

01:52:09.000 That's pretty cool.

01:52:10.000 The superstar?

01:52:11.000 Yeah.

01:52:11.000 The little superstar?

01:52:13.000 Let me see that.

01:52:14.000 If you haven't seen that, who hasn't seen that?

01:52:16.000 That's one thing.

01:52:17.000 What does it have, a billion hits on it?

01:52:19.000 How many hits does it have?

01:52:20.000 Fifteen billion?

01:52:21.000 Fifteen million?

01:52:23.000 That's just because it's only this copy of it.

01:52:25.000 There's a hundred million versions of it on YouTube.

01:52:28.000 Dude, that's why I'm not scared of Indian guys. 0.99

01:52:30.000 Like, all these guys that are in this video right here, are you scared of any of these guys?

01:52:33.000 Well, Indian people are pretty peaceful, considering there's a billion of them.

01:52:36.000 It's like their culture's not violent.

01:52:37.000 But they don't get along with those Pakistanis very well. 1.00

01:52:42.000 Hold on.

01:52:42.000 Did you shut off his volume?

01:52:44.000 Yeah, while he was getting up and...

01:52:45.000 Oh.

01:52:46.000 I guess you've never met any Sikhs.

01:52:48.000 Yeah, he's trying to tell me that Indians aren't scary. 1.00

01:52:51.000 Indians have beat your ass, son. 1.00

01:52:53.000 Sikhs, first of all, are big people. 1.00

01:52:54.000 Have you ever seen this video?

01:52:55.000 They're meat ears.

01:52:56.000 That's why I'm not scared.

01:52:56.000 Have you seen this video before?

01:52:57.000 No.

01:52:58.000 You haven't?

01:52:59.000 No, that's genius.

01:53:00.000 Wow, I thought everybody's seen this.

01:53:01.000 Look at that little...

01:53:02.000 Look at this, they're all happy Indian guys.

01:53:04.000 You really have never seen this.

01:53:05.000 That guy's 30, by the way.

01:53:07.000 Yes, yeah.

01:53:08.000 Look at this.

01:53:10.000 And they give the kids cigarettes too.

01:53:12.000 They give the kids cigarettes. 1.00

01:53:14.000 Kids smoking is a very fucking strange thing, man. 0.99

01:53:17.000 Especially that one kid. 1.00

01:53:18.000 Did you see that?

01:53:19.000 The two-year-old?

01:53:20.000 Yeah.

01:53:20.000 How have you never seen this video?

01:53:23.000 I know.

01:53:23.000 It's like the internet was made the same day as this video.

01:53:27.000 Oh my god, it's genius.

01:53:30.000 And now he works as like a choreographer in India.

01:53:33.000 Does he?

01:53:34.000 Yeah, I watched a show on him.

01:53:35.000 He was like teaching people how to dance in this one movie or a video or something like that.

01:53:40.000 Was he a famous guy or something?

01:53:41.000 Yeah, yeah, a little superstar.

01:53:42.000 I think that's his name.

01:53:43.000 He's not the same guy as the other guy that played like a detective in India?

01:53:47.000 No, no, that's another dude.

01:53:49.000 I think that dude was from the Philippines.

01:53:51.000 Oh, from the Philippines? 0.98

01:53:51.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:53:52.000 It was a crazy show.

01:53:53.000 See, in my head, they're all Indian. 1.00

01:53:55.000 A little person who flies through the air and kicks dudes in the head and fucks them up. 1.00

01:54:01.000 The internet, man. 1.00

01:54:02.000 The internet exposes you to some shit that you would just... 1.00

01:54:04.000 When we were kids growing up, kids today, man, you'd be a 15-year-old boy today. 1.00

01:54:09.000 What kind of shit are you getting into your brain? 1.00

01:54:11.000 That's actually a worry, I think. 1.00

01:54:13.000 Fuck it is! 1.00

01:54:14.000 They're growing up the most difficult generation to grow up ever. 1.00

01:54:19.000 Young kids today, and with some of the most ridiculous influences. 0.93

01:54:23.000 Like, when I was a kid, there was no Kardashians, there's no Paris Hilton, there was no ridiculous people who were famous for doing nothing, you know, and so much attention was paid to them. 0.92

01:54:32.000 And I'm not hating, you know, if you can get it, good, good for you, man.

01:54:35.000 You know, why not?

01:54:35.000 Do a reality show about your life and drive around a Bentley.

01:54:37.000 It's just a form of voyeurism, maybe. 0.84

01:54:40.000 We talked about it, maybe possibly even being therapeutic, but what I'm saying is, we were never exposed to anything that ridiculous as a role model.

01:54:47.000 We were never exposed to anything You know, that's strange where all these people are paying attention to it.

01:54:52.000 I was listening to Nancy Grace talk about Paris Hilton.

01:54:55.000 I had to stop my car and I'm like sitting in my car shaking my hand.

01:54:58.000 Nancy Grace is mad because Paris Hilton was pulled over with cocaine. 1.00

01:55:04.000 She is a repeat offender and she is out on the streets.

01:55:10.000 Would that be happening if it was you or I? It wasn't her purse, Joe.

01:55:15.000 I heard it wasn't even cocaine.

01:55:16.000 She thought it was candy.

01:55:17.000 She didn't even know when she threw it out the window.

01:55:20.000 She can't buy her own purses. 0.98

01:55:21.000 She has to borrow purses. 0.99

01:55:23.000 Well, homeboy, her boyfriend was blowing weed out the window like a knucklehead and a motorcycle cop.

01:55:28.000 Who's her new boyfriend now?

01:55:29.000 You are, Brian.

01:55:30.000 You're going to move in and fix her. 0.99

01:55:31.000 Sure am.

01:55:32.000 Listen, Paris, you're a good person.

01:55:34.000 I like more than a skinny girl. 1.00

01:55:35.000 You just need to connect yourself with the right crowd.

01:55:37.000 In a few years, people will forget.

01:55:39.000 She's bone thin, by the way.

01:55:40.000 I don't find her attractive. 1.00

01:55:41.000 Would you fuck her or Lindsay Lohan? 1.00

01:55:43.000 Lindsay Lohan in a heartbeat. 1.00

01:55:44.000 She's got curves in a heartbeat. 0.99

01:55:46.000 And she's dirty. 1.00

01:55:47.000 It's my joke about Paracelton trying to have sex with a girl that's skinny. 1.00

01:55:49.000 It's like trying to take a nap in a wooden chair. 0.99

01:55:51.000 There's no girls that are built that way that aren't dirty. 1.00

01:55:53.000 That girl's dirty. 1.00

01:55:54.000 She's built to fuck. 1.00

01:55:55.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:55:56.000 I shouldn't say that because she's a very young girl and she's got troubles.

01:55:58.000 No, she's not.

01:55:59.000 She's 24 now.

01:56:00.000 She's a young girl and she has troubles, Brian.

01:56:02.000 Growing up, the creepy thing is when you see the photos of her when she was really young or video of her when she was like a Disney kid, it's like, wow, this is strange.

01:56:09.000 Like, this kid really did grow up in front of the camera.

01:56:12.000 Remember that she plays a twin and there's two of them? 1.00

01:56:15.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:56:16.000 Good luck with that. 1.00

01:56:17.000 Good luck with that.

01:56:19.000 That girl, man, that's a whole pot of problems. 1.00

01:56:22.000 Imagine growing up in L.A. as this being a reality.

01:56:26.000 Like, I mean...

01:56:27.000 Ricky Schroeder turned out well. 0.98

01:56:29.000 That dude's fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:56:31.000 Yeah, man. 0.96

01:56:31.000 He turned out awesome. 0.96

01:56:32.000 He's really got his shit together for a guy who grew up a child star. 0.98

01:56:35.000 I mean, it's very impressive. 0.99

01:56:36.000 He's a really regular dude.

01:56:39.000 He had an interesting way of putting it.

01:56:40.000 He said he thought that he was a regular dude because he grew up famous.

01:56:44.000 He doesn't have any point of reference.

01:56:45.000 It's not like all of a sudden he became famous.

01:56:47.000 It's like, wow, I don't know how to handle this.

01:56:48.000 It was just what it was.

01:56:49.000 And famous, by the way, means...

01:56:51.000 Famous means you just get recognized a lot in airports.

01:56:56.000 You know what I mean?

01:56:56.000 It means a lot more than that.

01:56:57.000 It means people treat you differently.

01:56:59.000 No, I'm saying as a person.

01:57:00.000 People communicate with you differently. 0.99

01:57:01.000 Yeah, but your model of the world is going to be all fucked up. 0.98

01:57:04.000 Because you're going to start thinking that you're special. 0.99

01:57:06.000 Because you're treated like a prince.

01:57:06.000 Yeah.

01:57:07.000 I mean, how many actors have you ever met on sets?

01:57:09.000 And we've talked about this. 0.96

01:57:10.000 How goddamn infuriating it is. 1.00

01:57:12.000 These idiots think that what they have to say and what they have to do is so important because of the fact that there's a camera on them and because of the fact that all these people are telling them how awesome they are because their job revolves around this person. 1.00

01:57:23.000 So they start to believe it and then they start to act it out and then you come along and you have to meet this guy for the first time and you're like, oh this guy is in like The swirling fucking death throes of a three-year bizarre trip through ego, and now I'm meeting him four years in. 0.99

01:57:38.000 He doesn't even know how crazy he's acting. 0.97

01:57:40.000 He's yelling at the fucking staff and yelling at the director and doing cocaine before the scene. 1.00

01:57:47.000 And there goes his career. 1.00

01:57:48.000 I mean, come on, man.

01:57:49.000 How many dudes have you seen going through that death spiral?

01:57:51.000 I remember I did this show with this guy who's no longer around.

01:57:54.000 He's such a nice guy, but he was so high, and he was doing so much blow, and he kept going out of the trailer.

01:57:59.000 We were trying to shoot the scene, and he was playing a cop, and he had the guy in the chair, and the guy goes, and the line was, what?

01:58:05.000 You better enunciate.

01:58:07.000 I can't hear you too clearly.

01:58:08.000 That's all he had to say, and he was so high on coke, he kept going, what?

01:58:11.000 You better enunciate.

01:58:13.000 I can't hear you.

01:58:14.000 There's a cut.

01:58:16.000 It's enunciate.

01:58:17.000 He goes, what's that line?

01:58:18.000 Yeah, alright.

01:58:19.000 What?

01:58:19.000 You better enunciate!

01:58:21.000 And he did it 16 times.

01:58:23.000 And they finally were like, why don't we move on?

01:58:27.000 He's too high right now.

01:58:28.000 That was it, man.

01:58:29.000 That guy would have been something.

01:58:31.000 Nice guy.

01:58:32.000 You know, when I met you, you were on MADtv.

01:58:35.000 And that's also when I met Artie.

01:58:38.000 Did you stay in touch with him?

01:58:40.000 I do.

01:58:40.000 I haven't talked already in probably four years now.

01:58:44.000 But I always would run into him.

01:58:47.000 I always loved seeing that guy.

01:58:49.000 He said about me on Stern about a year ago.

01:58:51.000 My father called me up.

01:58:53.000 The best guy I've ever seen with women.

01:58:55.000 I've never seen anybody better with women than Brian Callen.

01:58:58.000 Something like that.

01:58:58.000 That's strong.

01:58:59.000 I know.

01:59:00.000 I got 50 calls.

01:59:01.000 My dad's like, why is this guy saying you're a stud with women?

01:59:03.000 What is it?

01:59:04.000 Whatever.

01:59:07.000 He's a good dude, man.

01:59:08.000 I would run into him every couple of years somewhere.

01:59:11.000 I ran into him at the Aspen Comedy Festival, I think, and I ran into him once in Vegas.

01:59:16.000 He was a crazy great guy.

01:59:17.000 Crazy great. 0.72

01:59:18.000 Just such a nice human being.

01:59:20.000 He truly is a nice human being.

01:59:22.000 And he's hilarious.

01:59:23.000 He's just tortured.

01:59:24.000 Yeah, just real tortured.

01:59:25.000 I mean, I felt like, almost like, you know, exposing all that and talking about it all the time, it became worse, you know?

01:59:32.000 Well, what happened?

01:59:33.000 Do you know how he's doing now?

01:59:35.000 I don't know.

01:59:35.000 I don't know anything.

01:59:36.000 Hmm.

01:59:37.000 I just, you know, I remember feeling really sad when I heard that, you know, that he could get to that place where he could do something like that.

01:59:44.000 I think it's always hard when somebody suffers from that kind of, that level of despair.

01:59:48.000 Yeah.

01:59:49.000 And it must be really, really hard on, like, you know, like if you have a child who's that way and you can't do anything to help them.

01:59:54.000 Okay.

01:59:54.000 I ran into a dude who was friends with Artie.

01:59:58.000 I don't know if it was his assistant at the time or someone who worked with him.

02:00:02.000 And this dude, I guess he lived in the same apartment building as Artie.

02:00:05.000 And he was talking to me about it just years and years ago.

02:00:08.000 About how he really worried about Artie.

02:00:10.000 And he didn't know what to do.

02:00:12.000 And he wanted other people to talk to him.

02:00:14.000 But nobody knew what to say.

02:00:17.000 It's a terrible feeling to have a friend.

02:00:19.000 I've had many friends who had serious drug problems.

02:00:23.000 And got real depressed.

02:00:24.000 My friend Johnny used to have heroin problems, coke problems, crack problems, everything.

02:00:31.000 My friend Johnny, he was a great guy.

02:00:33.000 It's amazing how charming those people are. 1.00

02:00:34.000 He was a street hustler, criminal, fucking pool hustler. 0.99

02:00:37.000 If you told him that story about the dude throwing the jacket over the purse, he'd be like, oh, that's a strong move. 1.00

02:00:44.000 Strong move.

02:00:45.000 Johnny was like this big, fat, funny, Jackie Gleason-type character.

02:00:49.000 How'd he die?

02:00:50.000 Some sort of an aneurysm, drug-related.

02:00:53.000 We suspect drug-related.

02:00:55.000 I mean, he had a real problem.

02:00:57.000 He had a real problem for a long time.

02:00:58.000 He would go one to the other and couldn't function.

02:01:00.000 Yeah, there's some drugs like meth and blow.

02:01:04.000 My friend was like, nobody's ever said, I had all these problems and I did a bunch of meth and it got a lot better.

02:01:09.000 That's never...

02:01:10.000 That's never how it's worked out.

02:01:11.000 He came out here to stay with me when I first got a TV show.

02:01:14.000 When I was on Hardball, he came out here to stay with me to try to clean up.

02:01:19.000 He came out here for two weeks.

02:01:21.000 And for the first week, he didn't have any access to heroin.

02:01:25.000 I don't know if he brought any with him or not.

02:01:27.000 It seemed like the first week he didn't have any access to it.

02:01:30.000 All he would do is sleep.

02:01:32.000 He just could not get up. 0.99

02:01:33.000 I'm like, dude, you came to visit me and you were just fucking sleeping. 0.98

02:01:36.000 And then I sort of realized what's going on. 1.00

02:01:38.000 I'm like, okay, you're kicking some shit right now. 0.99

02:01:40.000 Is that what you're doing? 1.00

02:01:41.000 You're kicking some shit, yeah. 0.99

02:01:41.000 And he didn't want to talk about it. 0.99

02:01:43.000 He'd be like, yo, I'm just not feeling that good.

02:01:45.000 I don't know what's up.

02:01:46.000 He would lie about it. 1.00

02:01:48.000 I'd be like, dude, you're fucking like death. 1.00

02:01:50.000 Do you need to go to a hospital? 1.00

02:01:51.000 No, no, no.

02:01:52.000 I'm going to be good.

02:01:53.000 I just need some soup or something.

02:01:54.000 Maybe we got some soup.

02:01:55.000 We'd have a cup of soup and go to sleep.

02:01:57.000 He did this for seven, eight, nine days.

02:01:59.000 He stayed with me for a while.

02:02:01.000 I flew him out here because I wanted to see him.

02:02:05.000 The plan was I'd known him from back in the pool hall days.

02:02:09.000 He's a really good pool player.

02:02:11.000 We used to go on these gambling matches.

02:02:14.000 Where I would take him to pool halls and I would match him up in games.

02:02:17.000 It was a lot of fun.

02:02:18.000 And it wasn't for a lot of money.

02:02:19.000 We'd do it for like $100 or something like that.

02:02:21.000 But it was just exciting.

02:02:23.000 He had a chance to win $100.

02:02:24.000 I had a chance to watch some great pool action between two dudes who were really nervous trying to win money.

02:02:29.000 And we would set up games.

02:02:30.000 And sometimes we would win money.

02:02:31.000 It was a lot of fun.

02:02:32.000 So the plan was, and I'm like, dude, I've been playing out here in California.

02:02:34.000 There's a lot of guys who like to gamble.

02:02:36.000 So you can get some good games.

02:02:37.000 It'll be a lot of fun.

02:02:38.000 Let's do this.

02:02:38.000 And I think there's a lot of guys you match up with.

02:02:40.000 All right.

02:02:41.000 I'm on my way.

02:02:41.000 I'm on my way, bro.

02:02:42.000 We're going to have a good time.

02:02:43.000 And he got out here just the moment he landed.

02:02:45.000 He looked like a gray toilet paper roll.

02:02:47.000 He was probably doing meth.

02:02:48.000 I don't know what he was doing.

02:02:49.000 I think it was heroin.

02:02:50.000 He was gray.

02:02:52.000 Because I dated a girl the same thing.

02:02:54.000 She'd show up in New York and she looked like gray and she'd sleep for four days.

02:02:59.000 Phew.

02:02:59.000 I think that's a lot of things to do.

02:03:00.000 I didn't know anything about drugs, though.

02:03:01.000 I didn't know that was going on.

02:03:02.000 I wasn't drug savvy.

02:03:03.000 I didn't know from heroin.

02:03:05.000 Or iron deficiency people.

02:03:07.000 A lot of prejudice.

02:03:09.000 The story about my friend Johnny, though, is he, after nine days, he finally came out of it.

02:03:15.000 Like seven, eight, nine days, something like that.

02:03:16.000 I slowly started coming out of it, and I started taking him around.

02:03:19.000 And we had a good time.

02:03:20.000 It was like one of the last good times before he died.

02:03:22.000 We took him into it.

02:03:23.000 There was a place called Players Billiards.

02:03:25.000 In the valley.

02:03:26.000 It was a 24-hour place.

02:03:27.000 We were out there gambling until like 4 o'clock in the morning.

02:03:30.000 You and I were eating at Chaya when the day you found that he died.

02:03:34.000 Yeah.

02:03:36.000 It was sad.

02:03:37.000 You know, he was a fascinating human being, man.

02:03:39.000 I've met a lot of fascinating human beings.

02:03:41.000 But, you know, every now and then there's a dude who's in the wrong place.

02:03:44.000 You're like, what are you doing here?

02:03:45.000 What's going on here? 1.00

02:03:47.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:03:48.000 Like, this super, super smart dude. 1.00

02:03:50.000 Like, really smart.

02:03:51.000 Like, you could throw numbers at him.

02:03:52.000 Like, 396 minus 7 divided by 4. 262. He would just bang it out.

02:03:57.000 Like, literally that fast.

02:03:59.000 Mathematical genius.

02:04:00.000 Could play chess in his head.

02:04:01.000 You could talk to him, and he could play chess like they do in prison.

02:04:04.000 Knight to rook 5. You know, he could do that.

02:04:06.000 And he barely played chess.

02:04:07.000 He was just, like, a mathematical genius. 0.99

02:04:09.000 The reason why he was so good at pool, he was, like, mathematical, like, geometry and shit to him. 0.93

02:04:14.000 Just, like, would, like, play itself out in his mind. 0.93

02:04:16.000 He would look at a pool table and he could see the geometry.

02:04:18.000 He could see all the angles.

02:04:19.000 He didn't have to break it down one to another.

02:04:21.000 He's like, oh yeah, I'm out.

02:04:22.000 I'm out.

02:04:25.000 He would just see it.

02:04:26.000 His only problem was the drugs.

02:04:29.000 And his problem was he was kind of crazy, which is why he was so mathematically connected to things.

02:04:33.000 And he played good music, too.

02:04:35.000 He could play piano.

02:04:36.000 He could play a bunch of different instruments.

02:04:37.000 Sounds like he has Asperger's.

02:04:39.000 Genius.

02:04:39.000 No, but a regular social guy.

02:04:41.000 Fun to hang out with.

02:04:42.000 Told jokes.

02:04:43.000 Cracked jokes.

02:04:44.000 It wasn't like he had autism or anything.

02:04:45.000 He was very social.

02:04:47.000 Don't you love him?

02:04:47.000 People like that.

02:04:47.000 I'll take a colorful character like that with that kind of flavor over it.

02:04:51.000 Are you kidding me, man?

02:04:52.000 Like my friend Joey Diaz.

02:04:53.000 Those people make your life.

02:04:54.000 He's the best.

02:04:55.000 He's the best.

02:04:55.000 Joey?

02:04:56.000 Yeah.

02:04:56.000 What a character.

02:04:57.000 I never...

02:04:58.000 Every time I run into that guy, whether it's an audition or an end club, I'm never disappointed.

02:05:03.000 He's always inspiring.

02:05:04.000 What are you doing, Tarzan?

02:05:05.000 He's inspiring.

02:05:06.000 He's funny.

02:05:07.000 Yeah.

02:05:07.000 His stories, the way he walks, the way he talks, you just can't take your eyes off the guy.

02:05:11.000 He's a monster.

02:05:11.000 He's one of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life.

02:05:13.000 He just makes me feel like there's a party going on.

02:05:16.000 Yeah. 0.92

02:05:16.000 You know, when Joey said, What's up, cocksuckers? 0.92

02:05:17.000 What are we doing? 0.94

02:05:18.000 Let's get this party started.

02:05:20.000 And you're like, yep, the party just got started.

02:05:22.000 The party got started.

02:05:23.000 Joey's here.

02:05:23.000 He's great.

02:05:23.000 It really feels like something's going on now.

02:05:25.000 Is he a girl?

02:05:27.000 What's that?

02:05:27.000 Yeah, he's married.

02:05:28.000 Yeah, he's married, man.

02:05:29.000 Yeah, his wife's Terry's awesome. 1.00

02:05:31.000 She was a waitress at the comedy store.

02:05:33.000 How's he doing?

02:05:34.000 Is he doing the road?

02:05:34.000 Oh, no, I'm sorry.

02:05:35.000 She wasn't a waitress. 1.00

02:05:36.000 She was an accountant.

02:05:37.000 Is he a draw now on the road?

02:05:38.000 He does well if he wants to.

02:05:40.000 If he wants to go on the road.

02:05:40.000 People want to see him.

02:05:41.000 I'm trying to get him to do that.

02:05:42.000 But Joey wants to get an acting gig.

02:05:44.000 He's working real hard. 0.98

02:05:46.000 He's a fucking hilarious actor. 0.98

02:05:48.000 He was in The Longest Yard and stuff like that. 0.97

02:05:50.000 He wants to get more.

02:05:52.000 I think he would like a good TV show. 0.98

02:05:53.000 He'd be fucking incredible. 0.98

02:05:55.000 I think Voice of a Cartoon would be amazing. 0.99

02:05:56.000 That would be good too.

02:05:57.000 But he would be incredible on a sitcom.

02:06:00.000 Joey could crush a sitcom.

02:06:01.000 Yeah, I agree.

02:06:02.000 Are you kidding that character?

02:06:03.000 Or a drama, even. 0.99

02:06:05.000 As a funny guy and a fucking... 0.99

02:06:07.000 No doubt. 0.99

02:06:08.000 Like an informant.

02:06:10.000 Like The Shield, one of those kind of shows.

02:06:12.000 He could be genius on that.

02:06:14.000 Yeah, there's a lot of characters like that that you run into in life. 0.99

02:06:17.000 Joey has his shit together a million times more than Johnny did. 0.96

02:06:21.000 Johnny was homeless most of the time I knew him. 0.99

02:06:23.000 He was sleeping in pool rooms and just gambling and trying to win money.

02:06:29.000 Eric, you know, you see people like that sometimes, you know, you go, it's not going to be a happy ending.

02:06:33.000 You always kind of know.

02:06:33.000 Well, you know, he just, you know, he had an imbalance.

02:06:36.000 There was some imbalance and he self-medicated, you know. 0.51

02:06:39.000 But I got to see, like, genius because of all his crazy flaws.

02:06:43.000 It's like we were talking about that Robert E. Howard guy. 0.98

02:06:45.000 That Robert E. Howard guy was so fucked up that he had to kill himself when he was like 30-something years old, but yet he was so brilliant and so he had so much creativity. 0.98

02:06:53.000 Wrote all this really fascinating shit like in the 1950s, right? 0.99

02:06:57.000 There's people like that, right? 0.96

02:06:58.000 It's like Stephen King was talking about how he doesn't remember writing Cujo.

02:07:03.000 He doesn't remember writing the book because he was so drunk and high. 0.99

02:07:07.000 So fucked up, yeah. 0.92

02:07:08.000 And he said, you know, then his wife came in and she started putting all these beer cans in a bag. 0.99

02:07:14.000 And he looked around and he goes, geez, man, I drank a lot of beer over the past month.

02:07:20.000 She goes, that was yesterday, dude.

02:07:24.000 This is what you've been drinking in the past two days or whatever it was. 0.99

02:07:28.000 He would just black the fuck out. 0.98

02:07:30.000 He was like, what? 0.96

02:07:30.000 He'd just keep drinking. 0.96

02:07:31.000 And she goes, you drank this in two days.

02:07:33.000 And it was a month's worth of beer.

02:07:35.000 Literally, she was filling garbage bags full of beer cans. 1.00

02:07:40.000 And he said, I happen to have been a really, really imaginative writer who had a substance abuse problem.

02:07:47.000 So do you think that his dealing with his substance abuse problem and then all the torture of being an alcoholic and doing coke and all this turmoil in his head created all that horror?

02:07:58.000 He would say no.

02:07:59.000 Like his own battles?

02:07:59.000 He, in his book on writing, said no.

02:08:02.000 What he said was that, in fact, regardless, if he had been sober, he would have had the same imaginative mind.

02:08:09.000 I believe that is not true.

02:08:12.000 This is why I believe that is not true.

02:08:13.000 I think I've learned a lot about writing over the past few years of trying to write comedy.

02:08:25.000 And one of the things that I give credit to substances, I think substances have a dramatic effect on your creativity.

02:08:32.000 You can't say that you would have come up with that on your own.

02:08:35.000 Well, caffeine for sure for me has a good effect.

02:08:40.000 Stimulant effect.

02:08:40.000 But Nick Kent, who is a rock journalist, wrote a book called The Dark Stuff that I read a while ago about rock and rollers.

02:08:46.000 And he followed the Pogues and Lou Reed and the Stones and Zeppelin and everybody.

02:08:51.000 And he wrote a book which actually said that most of those guys, and there's been a lot of, like, there's some strong evidence to suggest that some drugs, yes, other drugs, W, and heroin.

02:09:03.000 Okay, but this is my point.

02:09:04.000 Heroin definitely killed a lot of creative people.

02:09:05.000 This is my point why he can't say that. 0.99

02:09:06.000 First of all, because he wrote all his stuff when he was fucked up. 0.97

02:09:09.000 That's why you can't say that he would have written it anyway. 0.97

02:09:11.000 You cannot say that. 0.92

02:09:12.000 You cannot say when you wrote something and you were fucked up, you cannot say you would have written it anyway. 0.91

02:09:16.000 That doesn't make any sense. 0.96

02:09:17.000 But I wonder if they got there, they got to that level.

02:09:19.000 It changes the way you think.

02:09:20.000 The alcohol changes the way you think.

02:09:21.000 Caffeine changes the way you think.

02:09:22.000 Cocaine for sure changes the way you think.

02:09:24.000 It's going to increase paranoia.

02:09:25.000 It's going to make you... 0.99

02:09:26.000 I mean, you think about his most thrilling, horror-filled, psychotic shit was all from the time he was using. 0.92

02:09:32.000 Well, yeah, but I mean, Nick Kent said that a lot of these guys got into drugs because a lot of their heroes were drug addicts, like the blues art guys. 0.96

02:09:40.000 Yeah, sure.

02:09:41.000 And he said, and a lot of those guys ended up, and Stanley Crouch said the same thing, he goes, a lot of these guys were subscribing to their heroes' lifestyles, and you can actually see a fairly precipitous drop off on their productivity, not when it came to weed.

02:09:56.000 Right.

02:09:56.000 But heroin.

02:09:57.000 Heroin.

02:09:58.000 Right.

02:09:58.000 And cocaine.

02:09:59.000 I absolutely agree.

02:10:00.000 Because what happens is they become so all-consuming that you end up doing that and not your work.

02:10:04.000 Yes.

02:10:05.000 I absolutely agree that there's a detrimental effect, especially with the ones like opiates and stuff that crushes your body very, very bad for your body.

02:10:11.000 Because I think because you get into that more than you get into anything else.

02:10:14.000 Yes.

02:10:14.000 I definitely agree.

02:10:15.000 But I also think that we have to acknowledge that they're changing the way people think.

02:10:19.000 The paths that you take and your creativity, they change the direction.

02:10:22.000 They change the enthusiasm behind things.

02:10:24.000 They change the aggression behind things.

02:10:26.000 And those change the road you go down when you're creating things.

02:10:29.000 And not only that, as we learn more about our genomes and how different we are genetically, drugs have a vastly different effect on one person versus another too.

02:10:38.000 Yeah, it's very important because I've talked to people about pot, even the kind of pot that I smoke, like the figure out the universe, watch documentaries pot.

02:10:46.000 That, you know, sativas over the Indicas, rather.

02:10:48.000 Some people will smoke a sativa, and they're describing a completely different thing, and they have a completely different effect.

02:10:55.000 Does the sativa tech affect your mind more than your body?

02:10:58.000 Yes, yes.

02:10:58.000 Well, it affects your body, too.

02:11:00.000 You know, it's still, all of them make sex feel better, baths feel better, showers feel better.

02:11:04.000 All of them do that.

02:11:04.000 It makes you more sensitive.

02:11:05.000 The rewards for massages and stuff, like, I never get massaged unless I get high first.

02:11:11.000 Except today because I knew it was going to be a dude robbing me.

02:11:13.000 I was just going to say, yeah, what if it was a guy?

02:11:15.000 You don't want to be moaning when a dude is massaging.

02:11:19.000 I hurt my back last week in jujitsu and like a retard yesterday, I got adjusted and then I tried to roll last night and like halfway into the class, my back just fucking completely gave out where I couldn't stop anybody from passing my guard. 1.00

02:11:31.000 I couldn't explode. 0.92

02:11:32.000 I couldn't move.

02:11:33.000 It was like just a constant pain.

02:11:34.000 I was like, okay, I'm hurting myself here.

02:11:35.000 I got to stop. 0.99

02:11:36.000 So I knew that I had to go and get some deep tissue to break up the scar tissue and shit. 0.99

02:11:40.000 It's painful as fuck, dude. 0.99

02:11:41.000 Why'd you have a guy, though? 0.99

02:11:42.000 Because you have to get a dude to do it.

02:11:44.000 First of all, they're sports dudes.

02:11:45.000 This isn't like you don't go to a spa, go to a sports medicine center, and they hurt you, bro. 0.99

02:11:50.000 It fucking hurts. 0.98

02:11:51.000 It's like, this guy today was not as bad as the last guy I went to. 0.99

02:11:54.000 The last guy I went to, I literally almost tapped out.

02:11:57.000 The doctor, Dr. Spag, who's the main chiropractor there, he told me he actually fainted.

02:12:01.000 This guy hurt him so bad that he fainted.

02:12:03.000 This mother is just breaking down your world with his elbow. 1.00

02:12:07.000 He's just digging into all your injuries, and it's breaking up the scar tissue, literally tearing it open so that it can breathe and get circulation in there.

02:12:16.000 They're lasers for that, man.

02:12:17.000 Dude, they don't, though.

02:12:18.000 They don't.

02:12:18.000 You have to take the pain.

02:12:19.000 I went to Brooks Massage.

02:12:21.000 It's on Beverly.

02:12:22.000 And I go in there, and this Russian dude is there.

02:12:25.000 He's like, please, please, you come here.

02:12:27.000 And I'm like, all good.

02:12:28.000 And I get on the slab, and I come out a new woman, right? 0.89

02:12:32.000 Because he's hitting me literally.

02:12:34.000 And he was just bare of a man.

02:12:36.000 And I was like, oh!

02:12:37.000 And I felt like such a girl.

02:12:40.000 Such a girl. 1.00

02:12:40.000 I literally grew bitch tits. 1.00

02:12:42.000 I had estrogen right into my body. 1.00

02:12:43.000 I was like, this guy.

02:12:44.000 Anyway, so it was great.

02:12:45.000 So I go, um...

02:12:46.000 I'm looking at him, I look at his body, I go, you were a sports guy?

02:12:50.000 He goes, yes.

02:12:51.000 I go, were you, did you do any kind of fighting?

02:12:55.000 Yes, I was judo.

02:12:58.000 I go, judo.

02:13:00.000 I go, did you compete?

02:13:01.000 He goes, yes, everywhere.

02:13:04.000 I have won gold medal from Sydney.

02:13:08.000 I go, you were a gold medal, Olympic gold medal judo guy in Sydney?

02:13:14.000 Yes.

02:13:15.000 This guy massaged me for $65.

02:13:18.000 I go, that must have been a lot of training and stuff.

02:13:21.000 Yes.

02:13:21.000 Did you lift a lot?

02:13:23.000 No.

02:13:25.000 Just judo.

02:13:27.000 That's all.

02:13:28.000 He wouldn't give me anything.

02:13:30.000 I was like, but dude, you're a gold medalist in judo.

02:13:32.000 It's incredible.

02:13:32.000 I know I'm a grappler.

02:13:33.000 I know grappling.

02:13:34.000 Nothing.

02:13:34.000 He was like, yeah.

02:13:35.000 I got this deep tissue massage from this guy who's an expert in sports-related therapy for muscle injuries and stuff like that.

02:13:43.000 So he does a lot of range of motion things and a lot of resistance things.

02:13:46.000 Yeah.

02:13:46.000 Okay.

02:13:47.000 So we had gone through this whole, it's like a half an hour massage of death, right?

02:13:50.000 So we've gotten to the end, and this is what he asked me in the end.

02:13:53.000 He says, I want you to get on your knees, okay?

02:13:56.000 Get in like a cat position right here with your forearms.

02:14:02.000 Like this. 1.00

02:14:02.000 Put some vast land in your ass. 1.00

02:14:04.000 This position, and just hold yourself in that position. 1.00

02:14:07.000 And I'm going to work your back. 0.94

02:14:09.000 And this is what I want you to do.

02:14:10.000 I want you to go down, okay?

02:14:11.000 And then as you're resisting, you know, go up, okay?

02:14:14.000 So he says this, right?

02:14:15.000 And he's going to do this with his elbow.

02:14:17.000 This is where he's really going to jack me.

02:14:18.000 So as he's got me in this position, he goes, really into that MMA, you know?

02:14:22.000 It feels like around maybe 35 years ago, and I probably got into it myself, probably even competed.

02:14:27.000 And he's like, yeah!

02:14:29.000 He's got me on my hands and knees here.

02:14:32.000 And he's telling me that he would...

02:14:33.000 And he's bigger than me.

02:14:34.000 He's a big old dude.

02:14:35.000 He's a big old bear. 1.00

02:14:37.000 And it hurts like a motherfucker. 1.00

02:14:40.000 And he's getting me with this elbow. 0.99

02:14:43.000 Maybe I would have competed.

02:14:45.000 Maybe I'd have to take you back right now. 1.00

02:14:48.000 I have to fucking massage you, you punk. 1.00

02:14:50.000 And I'm younger than you. 1.00

02:14:51.000 Or I'm older than you.

02:14:52.000 Girl only.

02:14:52.000 I'm rubbing your back.

02:14:53.000 Girl only for massages. 1.00

02:14:55.000 Listen, no, no, no.

02:14:57.000 I'm making light of it, but he's a very important guy to know if you have muscle injuries.

02:15:01.000 Those guys, they'll fix you up, man.

02:15:03.000 Really?

02:15:03.000 Yeah, because you get a knot when you get an injury, any tear, you get inflammation, you get tears, and those tears knot you up.

02:15:11.000 And if you get an injury and you don't have it broken down and busted open like that, it's not going to heal right.

02:15:15.000 You're going to lose range of motion.

02:15:17.000 You're going to You're going to tighten up.

02:15:19.000 Do they massage the actual...

02:15:21.000 They do.

02:15:21.000 No, nothing works like this.

02:15:23.000 You have to get in there physically.

02:15:24.000 You have to feel it. 0.99

02:15:25.000 You have to know where it is, and you have to break that shit up. 0.89

02:15:27.000 So they actually get on the actual... 0.97

02:15:28.000 Oh, yeah.

02:15:29.000 They hurt you, son.

02:15:31.000 They hurt you.

02:15:32.000 They dig in.

02:15:33.000 There's a guy I went to before.

02:15:34.000 This guy was not as painful as the last guy I went to, but the last guy I went to... 0.99

02:15:38.000 Fucking would get on. 0.99

02:15:39.000 He was a strong yoga guy like this guy does like power yoga and shit. 1.00

02:15:42.000 He's strong as fuck and he would get on top of you with your elbow with his elbow rather and just Drive it into your spine like right where that injury is because I got this knot of scar tissue right next to my spine and he's I'm breaking it. 0.99

02:15:54.000 I can feel the fucking tearing. 0.99

02:15:58.000 It's so necessary, but so hard to take. 1.00

02:16:02.000 You just want to run out of the room screaming.

02:16:04.000 You want to go, I can't take it.

02:16:05.000 You feel better, too.

02:16:05.000 Oh, yeah.

02:16:06.000 Right after it's over, you're like, thank you.

02:16:07.000 I did prolotherapy in my neck.

02:16:09.000 You ever done that?

02:16:09.000 Yeah, I've done that on my wrist.

02:16:10.000 I've done it on my both knees.

02:16:11.000 Yeah, I did it in my neck, and it worked.

02:16:13.000 But I do a lot.

02:16:13.000 I've been doing this.

02:16:15.000 Well, tell people what that is.

02:16:17.000 Prolotherapy is where they take dextrose and they shoot it in your muscle.

02:16:20.000 And the reason they shoot dextrose with lidocaine, but they'll shoot dextrose in.

02:16:23.000 And dextrose is basically a sugar water.

02:16:26.000 But when it coats the muscle, the body rushes healing agents to it because it views it as a foreign agent.

02:16:34.000 So what it'll do is it'll actually inflame the area and create...

02:16:40.000 And rush healing agents to it.

02:16:42.000 It makes ligaments like 40% stronger.

02:16:44.000 It makes your ligaments stronger.

02:16:45.000 And muscles.

02:16:46.000 Up to 40% stronger, which is incredible.

02:16:49.000 It heals them.

02:16:49.000 I had it done.

02:16:50.000 I've had wrist problems.

02:16:51.000 I broke my wrist a long time ago.

02:16:53.000 Kickboxing in like 1989. I never did anything about it.

02:16:57.000 I just dealt with it.

02:16:57.000 And every now and then from jiu-jitsu, it'll start really hurting.

02:17:00.000 It used to hurt when I played Quake, when I'd move it around too much with a mouse.

02:17:03.000 I'd get this pain.

02:17:04.000 I think I tore a ligament in there or something.

02:17:06.000 There's something wrong. 0.99

02:17:07.000 It clicks a lot and shit. 0.99

02:17:08.000 There's something really wrong with it. 0.98

02:17:09.000 But I had them do that in there, and then I had them do it in my knee. 1.00

02:17:12.000 My lower back has always been...

02:17:14.000 It always tightens up, no matter what I do.

02:17:15.000 Well, you got to work on your flexibility, son.

02:17:18.000 That's one of the most important things, man.

02:17:20.000 Working on your flexibility is so important.

02:17:22.000 I do it every day, actually.

02:17:23.000 It's really important.

02:17:23.000 You got to see my garage, man.

02:17:25.000 You haven't even seen my garage.

02:17:26.000 Oh, you don't even know, son!

02:17:28.000 Alright, let's wrap this show up because we've been doing this for like six hours now, right?

02:17:32.000 Yeah, man.

02:17:32.000 Brian, how long have we been doing this?

02:17:33.000 Two hours and 20 minutes.

02:17:36.000 I wish we'd end on a bang.

02:17:39.000 Bang! 1.00

02:17:39.000 Got a good story? 1.00

02:17:40.000 Wish I could sing.

02:17:41.000 I'll have one next week.

02:17:43.000 Did I tell you my story?

02:17:43.000 Did I tell you my story when I was on a date up in this area?

02:17:46.000 Were you on a date with a Brazilian jiu-jitsu instructor?

02:17:48.000 No, with a girl where I had to poo now. 0.93

02:17:51.000 I had to poo right now.

02:17:53.000 In the woods?

02:17:53.000 You ever been in the woods on a trail with a girl?

02:17:56.000 You want to get laid? 0.99

02:17:56.000 You want to bang? 0.99

02:17:57.000 Like on a rock and you have to shit now? 1.00

02:17:59.000 Oh my god! 1.00

02:18:00.000 And you know what I did? 1.00

02:18:02.000 I'm talking to her and I go, I have to shit now. 0.99

02:18:03.000 In fact, I'm shitting now. 0.99

02:18:04.000 I ran away from her. 0.91

02:18:06.000 I ran away from her.

02:18:07.000 Up the trail. 1.00

02:18:08.000 And I fucking hid. 0.99

02:18:10.000 And I was like, I literally ran and I was like, and I got around and I was like, and I'm shitting. 0.99

02:18:16.000 And I'm like, and I'm like, how the fuck? 0.99

02:18:17.000 She's coming. 0.99

02:18:18.000 She goes, so she goes, what are you doing?

02:18:20.000 Are you trying to scare me?

02:18:20.000 And I go, and I go, yeah.

02:18:23.000 I yanked my shorts up.

02:18:24.000 I started kicking.

02:18:25.000 And I go like this.

02:18:26.000 I go, but then I don't want her to look down.

02:18:27.000 So I go, I go, And she goes, what are you doing?

02:18:32.000 I'm like, hey!

02:18:34.000 Like that.

02:18:34.000 Meanwhile, we're walking.

02:18:36.000 I go, holy shit, thank God. 0.99

02:18:37.000 That was the worst thing. 0.99

02:18:39.000 I can't believe that. 0.95

02:18:39.000 I got a parasite. 0.95

02:18:40.000 Did you wipe your ass at all? 1.00

02:18:41.000 I got a parasite. 1.00

02:18:42.000 I wiped my ass. 1.00

02:18:43.000 I didn't have time to do anything. 1.00

02:18:44.000 I look at her and I go, oh God, guess what? 0.99

02:18:46.000 I have to shit now again. 1.00

02:18:48.000 I'm shitting now. 1.00

02:18:49.000 But after you shot, before you pulled your pants up, you just pulled your pants up. 0.98

02:18:53.000 This happened three times.

02:18:55.000 It happened three times.

02:18:56.000 Three times the same day?

02:18:57.000 Same day. 0.99

02:18:58.000 I literally go, I go, holy shit, thank God we got over that. 0.99

02:19:01.000 And then I go like this, I go, anyway, I'm like, I'm talking to you and I'm shitting again! 0.99

02:19:05.000 I go like, the third time, I don't get all the way around. 0.96

02:19:11.000 And you hear... 1.00

02:19:13.000 My ass! 1.00

02:19:16.000 My legs are full of shit! 1.00

02:19:18.000 I go... 1.00

02:19:18.000 I take dirt and I wipe it on my ass! 1.00

02:19:22.000 I heard that's what they did in the desert! 1.00

02:19:24.000 So I'm trying to get off!

02:19:25.000 She stops and she goes...

02:19:26.000 I hear...

02:19:27.000 I hear...

02:19:27.000 Are you sick?

02:19:29.000 And I go, oh, yeah.

02:19:31.000 So now we've got to go back down the trail. 1.00

02:19:33.000 You smell like shit. 1.00

02:19:35.000 Not only do I smell like shit, we have to go back down the trail and we have to go through the minefield. 1.00

02:19:40.000 So she now sees the shit that was kicking down. 0.99

02:19:42.000 I'm like, hey, hey, look up here. 0.99

02:19:44.000 Is that a kite?

02:19:45.000 Oh, look, look.

02:19:46.000 An eagle.

02:19:47.000 An eagle. 0.99

02:19:48.000 I'm fucking saying it. 0.99

02:19:49.000 I'm lying about birds in the air, and I fucking have to boil it down. 1.00

02:19:53.000 How bad did you smell? 0.99

02:19:54.000 How bad did I smell? 1.00

02:19:56.000 I had to take a sink shit shower in the fucking bathroom down there. 1.00

02:20:01.000 I'm trying to get my ass in. 1.00

02:20:02.000 You ever try to get your ass in a sink, one of those old-fashioned things? 1.00

02:20:04.000 You can't do it. 1.00

02:20:05.000 Was it a public bathroom?

02:20:07.000 Of course it was a public bathroom.

02:20:08.000 How many people could get in there?

02:20:09.000 Was it one that you could knock yourself out?

02:20:10.000 No, no, thank God.

02:20:10.000 Topanga Canyon, they're individual ones.

02:20:12.000 I wouldn't have cared. 1.00

02:20:14.000 That shit was coming off my ass no matter what, dude. 1.00

02:20:16.000 I don't care. 1.00

02:20:17.000 So now I sink clean my crack.

02:20:21.000 We're sitting in the car, and I have to drive her from Topanga Canyon all the way up to Gower in Los Feliz.

02:20:27.000 I'm like, anyway, that was fun.

02:20:29.000 Just call me the poo-poo guy. 0.99

02:20:31.000 No laughter.

02:20:32.000 Never talked to her again, did you? 0.98

02:20:33.000 She saw me in a coffee shop a year later and ran the fuck out. 1.00

02:20:38.000 Wow. 0.77

02:20:41.000 She never returned my phone call.

02:20:42.000 I called her twice. 1.00

02:20:43.000 She was like, fuck that. 1.00

02:20:44.000 You're the shit guy. 1.00

02:20:45.000 You're disgusting. 1.00

02:20:46.000 You can't have explosive diarrhea and get laid. 1.00

02:20:49.000 You gotta just write that one off.

02:20:52.000 That ain't gonna happen.

02:20:54.000 But here's the reality. 1.00

02:20:55.000 If it was her, you would still fuck her. 1.00

02:20:57.000 Of course I would. 1.00

02:20:59.000 Take a shower.

02:21:00.000 You don't even have to take a shower.

02:21:01.000 Just wipe well. 1.00

02:21:02.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:21:03.000 I'm horny. 1.00

02:21:04.000 Use the shit as lubrication. 1.00

02:21:06.000 You got a towel? 1.00

02:21:07.000 You got a fucking clothespin? 1.00

02:21:10.000 I'm not a pussy. 1.00

02:21:12.000 I'll put a clothespin on my nose and you'll kill that shit. 1.00

02:21:14.000 You got herpes? 1.00

02:21:15.000 I'll wear a condom. 1.00

02:21:16.000 Roll the dice.

02:21:18.000 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning in again.

02:21:23.000 Thank you everybody from Boston. 0.90

02:21:24.000 We had a fucking awesome time. 0.96

02:21:26.000 And that was, I think, the craziest round of applause I've ever gotten ever at a comedy club from the Wilbur Theatre. 0.98

02:21:33.000 It was cool to be home.

02:21:35.000 Growing up in Boston and doing that show there was a lot of fun.

02:21:38.000 The UFC there was a lot of fun, too. 1.00

02:21:39.000 A bunch of fucking psychos in the audience. 0.98

02:21:42.000 Thank you very much to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our show. 1.00

02:21:46.000 Thank you very much, Brian Callen.

02:21:48.000 What is your Twitter?

02:21:48.000 Just B-R-Y-A-N. C-A-L-L-E-N. Brian Callen.

02:21:52.000 That's his Twitter.

02:21:53.000 Yeah, man.

02:21:53.000 Hey, if you guys are up north, I'm going to be up in San Jose September 23rd to the 26th up at the Rooster Teeth Feathers.

02:22:00.000 So come out, man.

02:22:00.000 Is that a comedy club?

02:22:01.000 Yeah.

02:22:02.000 Where's that?

02:22:02.000 Rooster Teeth Feathers.

02:22:02.000 It's in San Jose.

02:22:03.000 San Jose.

02:22:04.000 Rooster Teeth Feathers.

02:22:05.000 And what is the dates again?

02:22:05.000 It's September 23rd and the 26th.

02:22:08.000 To the 26th.

02:22:09.000 And their information is at BrianCallen.com?

02:22:11.000 Yeah, and then I'll be in Louisville, Kentucky October 7th to the 11th.

02:22:15.000 And it's B-R-Y, B-R-Y-A-N.com. 1.00

02:22:18.000 B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N.com. 0.99

02:22:21.000 What's that, Brian?

02:22:22.000 Not the cool way to spell it.

02:22:24.000 Brian spells it the cool way?

02:22:25.000 Yeah.

02:22:26.000 With an I. With an I, like a man. 0.96

02:22:27.000 Well, he's not into himself, man.

02:22:28.000 He's a yes, man.

02:22:29.000 He's into yes.

02:22:30.000 He's into positivity.

02:22:31.000 That's right, that's right.

02:22:32.000 That's the Scottish way of saying it.

02:22:34.000 We had a fun time, as always.

02:22:35.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

02:22:36.000 We really appreciate it.

02:22:37.000 Tomorrow, we will have another podcast.

02:22:38.000 This time, 2pm.

02:22:40.000 And, of course, iTunes will be on the next day.

02:22:43.000 And it'll be Joey Diaz and Eddie Bravo.

02:22:45.000 And we're going to break down UFC 118 and have a good time.

02:22:49.000 So, thank you very much for coming in.

02:22:50.000 I really appreciate it.

02:22:51.000 Coming in?

02:22:52.000 Where'd you go?

02:22:54.000 Whatever.

02:22:54.000 Tuning in?

02:22:55.000 Tuning in.

02:22:55.000 Whatever you're doing here.

02:22:56.000 Locking in.

02:22:56.000 Whatever we're doing here.

02:22:57.000 Thanks a lot.

02:22:58.000 Appreciate it.

02:22:58.000 Love you guys.

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 31, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #38 - Bryan Callen

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