The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #39

00:00:03.000 Ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites, freaks and geeks, all my friends, lovers and children, welcome to the podcast.

00:00:15.000 Thank you very much once again for tuning in.

00:00:18.000 My road dogs, Eddie Bravo and Mad Flavor.

00:00:22.000 Let me adjust this camera because we can't see you right.

00:00:28.000 What up?

00:00:29.000 Is that better?

00:00:29.000 Yeah, bam.

00:00:30.000 There we go.

00:00:31.000 Tuning in there.

00:00:32.000 Tuning in week number seven.

00:00:35.000 It's week many, many, many, many weeks.

00:00:37.000 And we've been having a good fucking time.

00:00:39.000 We had a good goddamn time in Boston.

00:00:41.000 And we were talking about this yesterday, but we'll talk about it again just because Eddie's here.

00:00:45.000 It was fucking crazy when I asked on stage how many people listen to the podcast.

00:00:49.000 It's like the ability that you have when everybody went crazy.

00:00:53.000 It was like this huge audience.

00:00:54.000 And there's like, I'd say like 60% of them, 70% of them said they listened to the podcast.

00:00:59.000 Yeah, it was crazy.

00:01:00.000 So it's like, it's only gonna keep doing that.

00:01:03.000 As long as you make things that people think are interesting, it's only gonna like, this is radio.

00:01:08.000 This is just as powerful as any radio station that's ever existed.

00:01:12.000 Without the bullshit and the drama and the bad fucking contestants and all that shit.

00:01:16.000 This is just straight up talking.

00:01:20.000 What the fuck happened to that camera?

00:01:25.000 Alright, there we are.

00:01:26.000 I'm a terrible cameraman.

00:01:27.000 Looking sharp.

00:01:28.000 Brian's off on vacation.

00:01:29.000 Yeah, Brian is off in Ohio with his lady friend.

00:01:33.000 Alright, alright.

00:01:34.000 Meeting the family.

00:01:35.000 Beautiful.

00:01:35.000 Having a good goddamn time.

00:01:37.000 Getting the freak on.

00:01:38.000 What's going on with Eddie Bravo?

00:01:40.000 What's going on with Eddie Bravo?

00:01:41.000 Eddie Bravo's Eddie Bravo.

00:01:43.000 You're not a strange character.

00:01:46.000 It's funny.

00:01:46.000 You will all understand Eddie Bravo when the 10th Planet reality show comes to light.

00:01:50.000 Tenth Planet Riverside, bitches.

00:01:52.000 Respect.

00:01:53.000 It's funny because I was talking to you on the phone last week and you said that you went to see a shitty movie.

00:01:58.000 But you're one of the few people like me that take a shitty movie and make it work for us.

00:02:03.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:02:03.000 Like we really make it work for us.

00:02:05.000 We see what the bad points are and you said you watch The Expendables or whatever.

00:02:08.000 And it's so weird how we learned that from Paul Mooney.

00:02:11.000 We had a conversation once about...

00:02:12.000 When you're a comedian, you should get entertained.

00:02:14.000 I'll tell you something.

00:02:15.000 The last two weeks, I've done something that has blown me apart.

00:02:19.000 I want to see a different form of entertainment.

00:02:20.000 I want to watch Eddie Bravo teach.

00:02:23.000 Oh yeah, that's entertainment.

00:02:24.000 And the way that place is, the way you sit, it's like a big fucking stage.

00:02:28.000 If I do a one-man show, I would do it there with the mats facing everything.

00:02:31.000 And I started watching him.

00:02:33.000 And the first week, he taught this move where you're hitting a guy, and then you roll and take his leg, and the guy gives you an arm, so you have three different options.

00:02:40.000 And then last week, when you were there, by the way, you know the fucking move, and you're hitting him, you're on his back, so you take this leg, and you double hook on this leg, and you pull over.

00:02:51.000 So you take his arm from Spiderweb?

00:02:53.000 Yeah.

00:02:53.000 Oh, no, no, the truck.

00:02:54.000 Really cool, really cool.

00:02:56.000 But just the way Eddie was teaching.

00:02:58.000 Yeah, that's a trip.

00:02:58.000 You remember that.

00:02:59.000 You had George.

00:02:59.000 Come on, dog.

00:03:00.000 If I didn't remember...

00:03:01.000 I thought you were just making shit up.

00:03:02.000 I thought you were just being funny.

00:03:04.000 No, no, no.

00:03:04.000 Because in the beginning of the DVD, you know, because at that point, you didn't really know the system at all.

00:03:08.000 No, no, no.

00:03:08.000 What the fuck you were doing?

00:03:09.000 That's the beauty of it, is you were just talking about Night of the Living Dead, and then I'd flip you with the butterfly hooks, and then...

00:03:15.000 No, no.

00:03:16.000 So last week you start on the guy's back with your two hooks in.

00:03:19.000 Yeah.

00:03:19.000 You hit the guy in the head.

00:03:20.000 He thinks you're going to choke him out.

00:03:22.000 And you flip over.

00:03:23.000 So you've got this leg.

00:03:24.000 You hook him with this leg.

00:03:24.000 Yeah, you take it to the truck, baby.

00:03:26.000 You've got the truck.

00:03:27.000 And it was really weird how I went home and it fucked with me that night.

00:03:29.000 I was even doing comedy.

00:03:30.000 It fucked with you?

00:03:31.000 It fucked with me.

00:03:32.000 I thought about it when I left there.

00:03:34.000 And then I went the other night, which was a very simple hold where it was controlling the guy with the underhook, which you're really good at, he said.

00:03:41.000 Wow.

00:03:42.000 George Sotteropolis is in town.

00:03:44.000 He's been in town for the last two weeks, so we've been focusing on overhook butterfly stuff to rubber guard.

00:03:50.000 But the point being of the situation was that I was very intrigued while I was watching him.

00:03:55.000 Thank you.

00:03:56.000 Which I don't get intrigued by dick.

00:03:57.000 I didn't go see Avatar.

00:03:58.000 All these movies don't do dick to me.

00:04:00.000 Well, when someone's really good at something, when someone's really good at something and really good at speaking about that something, it's always fascinating.

00:04:06.000 But how he walks, he does it like a stand-up comic.

00:04:10.000 He walks in a certain area, so people have to look at him.

00:04:13.000 And he doesn't even know what he's doing.

00:04:14.000 He doesn't know how just being him, he commands attention.

00:04:17.000 You know, he's not a big guy.

00:04:19.000 He's not a flamboyant guy.

00:04:21.000 But I couldn't take my fucking eyes off him.

00:04:23.000 Are you gay for Eddie?

00:04:24.000 No.

00:04:25.000 This feels like you're gay for Eddie.

00:04:26.000 I'm talking about what I learned this week.

00:04:29.000 I think Joey just came out to us.

00:04:31.000 I'm supposed to go to a UCB theater and see some fucking guy that's not funny and be entertained.

00:04:37.000 Some of those guys are funny.

00:04:39.000 But I obviously went to see a jiu-jitsu class and was very entertained and was very intrigued.

00:04:44.000 And that was the whole point of this.

00:04:45.000 It wasn't about the fucking UCB theater.

00:04:47.000 It was about you, that you really locked me in.

00:04:51.000 Well, you know, you lock me in all the time, Joel.

00:04:55.000 You know that shit.

00:04:56.000 When you're on stage, you lock my shit in.

00:04:57.000 You know how fucking much great shit I talk about you to everybody.

00:05:01.000 I tell everybody.

00:05:04.000 Game recognizes game, bitches.

00:05:05.000 Like originally, with the 10th Planet Kush, originally it was going to be the both of us.

00:05:10.000 But when Joey's around, I'm like, why would I want to put the fucking camera on me?

00:05:15.000 I'm just going to keep it on Joey.

00:05:16.000 I can't really speak my mind anyways.

00:05:19.000 I like being really honest.

00:05:20.000 I can't really be that honest.

00:05:23.000 I can't really be that honest.

00:05:24.000 And Joey can just...

00:05:26.000 Smash people.

00:05:28.000 You know what?

00:05:28.000 It's hilarious.

00:05:29.000 I didn't say it.

00:05:30.000 I wonder if dudes get upset at some of your predictions.

00:05:34.000 Marcus Davis.

00:05:35.000 I was like, Marcus Davis, burn the kilt.

00:05:38.000 Yes, you know what?

00:05:39.000 Marcus Davis, Kenny Florian.

00:05:42.000 I fucking love you guys, man.

00:05:44.000 You know you're my dogs.

00:05:45.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:05:46.000 This is all entertainment.

00:05:47.000 I didn't say this shit.

00:05:49.000 No, we're just saying, listen, I picked Kenny Florian to win.

00:05:52.000 This is a YouTube clip we're discussing.

00:05:55.000 Oh, no, no, but check this out.

00:05:56.000 But check this out.

00:05:57.000 What we're talking about actually is probably on YouTube right now.

00:06:02.000 I uploaded it about 73. Oh, my goodness.

00:06:05.000 Perfect fucking segue, right?

00:06:08.000 Can we play it?

00:06:09.000 No, we can't.

00:06:10.000 We can't?

00:06:10.000 Okay, alright.

00:06:10.000 We have to have two laptops to play.

00:06:12.000 Brian is not here right now, so...

00:06:14.000 I barely know what I'm doing here.

00:06:16.000 We're just navigating straight.

00:06:17.000 Even with Brian here, the fucking thing you...

00:06:19.000 Okay, but anyways, what we're talking about, this review we're talking about, is actually just being released as we speak right now.

00:06:25.000 It's 10th Planet Kush, episode 19, featuring Joe Rogan.

00:06:30.000 That's the one.

00:06:30.000 It's up, like, right this second, probably.

00:06:33.000 And Joey fucking goes off, and I... I gotta put a warning thing before this.

00:06:39.000 The views of Joey Karate do not reflect the views of Eddie Bravo, right?

00:06:43.000 I didn't go off.

00:06:45.000 I gotta put that up.

00:06:46.000 I didn't go off.

00:06:47.000 Let me tell you something.

00:06:49.000 You'll see what we mean.

00:06:50.000 It was funny because I read something that Dana had mentioned that what's-his-name choked.

00:06:55.000 And I started thinking about it.

00:06:56.000 Kenny Florian.

00:06:57.000 And I started thinking about it.

00:06:58.000 And I said, you know what?

00:06:59.000 How can I say that about a guy that I've never tried what he's doing?

00:07:03.000 Like, this is to the point in my life where I'm at.

00:07:05.000 I can never say somebody choked.

00:07:07.000 You know, maybe he had a bad day.

00:07:08.000 Then I started thinking about it.

00:07:09.000 He had, like, six bad days, you know?

00:07:11.000 But I never said he choked on it like that.

00:07:13.000 All I said was...

00:07:13.000 I was fucking...

00:07:14.000 All I said was he was as skinny as Jesus.

00:07:16.000 Well, people will see exactly what you said when they watch the episode.

00:07:19.000 Well, yeah.

00:07:21.000 You know what?

00:07:21.000 It's all funny.

00:07:22.000 So what it is, for the people who don't know what we're talking about, Joey does this breakdown of the UFCs as Joey Karate, who's a Cuban black belt.

00:07:28.000 And it's probably...

00:07:29.000 Even if you're not a UFC fan, it's probably the funniest fucking thing you watch on the internet.

00:07:33.000 It's the funniest possible, most entertaining reviews of UFC previews and reviews.

00:07:41.000 Sometimes we review a show, but there is nothing out there.

00:07:44.000 Fuck ESPN. Fuck all that HDNet shit.

00:07:48.000 There's nobody...

00:07:50.000 That brings the fire like Joey.

00:07:52.000 All that shit's entertaining to a point, but I don't know how many times I fucking turned it off halfway through MMA Live.

00:08:00.000 When you hear Joey do it, fuck.

00:08:02.000 You fucking want it to last 30 minutes.

00:08:05.000 And I'm always 2-3 or 3-3.

00:08:07.000 My picks are money.

00:08:07.000 You understand me?

00:08:08.000 Because I've learned from these guys, and I know what it is to get beat up.

00:08:11.000 So I watch these fights, and that's how I pick the things.

00:08:13.000 I've been in like two other three lately with the two key matchups always being money.

00:08:17.000 So I'm not that fucking bad.

00:08:19.000 No, you're very good.

00:08:20.000 You're very accurate with it.

00:08:21.000 I don't want to see that many guys talking about fights, analyzing fights.

00:08:26.000 There's not a lot of guys I like to listen to.

00:08:28.000 Dude, you know what?

00:08:28.000 I want to hear funny.

00:08:29.000 Yeah, you know what?

00:08:31.000 I respect...

00:08:34.000 Everybody out there doing...

00:08:35.000 To me, personally, I don't get nearly as much insight from any articles or any commentators.

00:08:42.000 I get it from MMA forums.

00:08:45.000 I think dudes have more opinions and better opinions and better points of view on MMA forums.

00:08:49.000 Absolutely.

00:08:50.000 There's some very good writers.

00:08:52.000 Guys who write on the underground.

00:08:53.000 There's guys who write on the underground that you read their shit and you're like, this guy's a fucking author.

00:08:57.000 I mean, he might as well be writing for a magazine.

00:08:59.000 This is really well-written.

00:09:00.000 A really well-written breakdown of the event, of a guy's performance.

00:09:05.000 To me, just because a guy has a job with Yahoo doesn't make him more credible than McFuckstick1 on the underground.

00:09:12.000 They're just human beings.

00:09:13.000 They're just writing.

00:09:14.000 Exactly.

00:09:15.000 It doesn't need to be official on ESPN.com to me.

00:09:19.000 Interacting with people on the underground and getting someone's opinion, you get a bit more insight as to how a fight's going to go down from that than I think than any of the websites online.

00:09:26.000 You know, the one time I do like hearing what a fighter actually has to say about a fight, the one time when they're talking about stuff that the public, me included, really don't know about, what's really going on in that fucking cage.

00:09:41.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:42.000 Very few people experience...

00:09:44.000 Fighting in front of the fucking world.

00:09:46.000 So when a guy's breaking down a fight and they see something, a chink in that guy's armor, like he folds, or maybe fighters can...

00:09:53.000 After a while, some fighters are known as folders, right?

00:09:56.000 They just fold under the pressure.

00:09:58.000 And fighters see that quicker than the average person.

00:10:02.000 So I like that kind of insight.

00:10:04.000 Yeah, there was a time when I was doing commentary with Randy, and a dude got poked in the eye.

00:10:08.000 And the referee went over to him and he said, Can you see?

00:10:11.000 And he's like, man, I don't know.

00:10:12.000 I don't know how I can see.

00:10:13.000 And Randy got angry.

00:10:14.000 Randy goes, you never tell him you can't see.

00:10:16.000 He goes, if he tells him he can't see, it means he doesn't want to fight.

00:10:19.000 And I was like, whoa.

00:10:20.000 He got, like, really intense.

00:10:22.000 Like, his crazy, like, you know, competitive drive came out when he was discussing this other guy.

00:10:27.000 That's fascinating.

00:10:28.000 Yeah, I love that shit.

00:10:29.000 But I don't want to hear, like, a bunch of analysts sitting around going, what he has to do is, Clay Guida's got to keep the fight standing.

00:10:35.000 Shut up.

00:10:36.000 Shut up.

00:10:37.000 Stop it.

00:10:38.000 Stop it.

00:10:39.000 I want to hear you.

00:10:40.000 I want to hear you.

00:10:42.000 I'm going, my man.

00:10:43.000 The caveman.

00:10:44.000 Geico.

00:10:45.000 Guida.

00:10:46.000 Takedown.

00:10:46.000 Ground and pound.

00:10:47.000 It's all happening, dog.

00:10:48.000 You ain't stopping it.

00:10:49.000 That's what I want.

00:10:50.000 I want to hear that kind of stuff.

00:10:51.000 I do enjoy Inside MMA, though.

00:10:52.000 I watch that shit all the time.

00:10:53.000 Yes.

00:10:53.000 Because I bring in some cool fighters.

00:10:55.000 Yeah, I'm a Boss Rootin fan to the death.

00:10:57.000 Yeah, me too.

00:10:57.000 He's fucking hysterical in the craziest way.

00:11:01.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:02.000 Boss is insane.

00:11:03.000 We were on a plane together.

00:11:04.000 They let...

00:11:05.000 An insane man hosts the fucking show.

00:11:08.000 It's hilarious.

00:11:09.000 We flew to Boston on the same plane.

00:11:11.000 We were in the same plane.

00:11:11.000 He's nice as fuck.

00:11:13.000 One of the nicest guys I've ever met.

00:11:15.000 So we're...

00:11:15.000 Boz is super crazy nice, but he's also crazy, too.

00:11:19.000 Yeah, he is crazy.

00:11:19.000 So we're on the plane, right?

00:11:20.000 So Boz is on the plane, and he goes up to use the restroom, and one of the ladies that's working for the plane is like, are you here for the wrestling thing?

00:11:28.000 Are you...

00:11:29.000 And he's like, yes, mixed martial arts.

00:11:31.000 We're there for mixed martial arts.

00:11:34.000 And she tells him that her boyfriend has hands that he had registered as a deadly weapon.

00:11:41.000 And Boss became obsessed with this.

00:11:43.000 Boss is like, this is not true.

00:11:45.000 I told her bullshit.

00:11:46.000 Boss is telling me that he told her bullshit.

00:11:48.000 We got off the plane.

00:11:50.000 She's telling me her boyfriend's hands are registered as a deadly weapon.

00:11:54.000 I'm like, no fucking way.

00:11:55.000 It was super amped up.

00:11:57.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:58.000 I mean, just listen to some of the shit he said on Pride.

00:12:01.000 Oh, my God.

00:12:02.000 He's got, like, at least 15 to 20 classic lines.

00:12:08.000 Like, you want to put that shit on a loop.

00:12:10.000 And on top of that, he said some crazy shit.

00:12:13.000 Badass fighter.

00:12:14.000 I mean, he was one of the premier strikers in MMA during his era.

00:12:18.000 Like, when he took out Tiyoshi Kosaka, watch that fucking fight.

00:12:22.000 Watch that fight where he won the title.

00:12:23.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

00:12:25.000 That wasn't actually he won the title.

00:12:27.000 That was the first fight he had in the UFC. On the posters, it said, the world's greatest martial artist.

00:12:32.000 That's how they were bringing him in.

00:12:33.000 As the world's greatest martial artist.

00:12:36.000 And Boss just...

00:12:38.000 Fucked up to Yoshio Kosaka.

00:12:39.000 Just blasting him.

00:12:40.000 Like, there wasn't very many dudes who were striking like that in the UFC. Yeah, and Kosaka's fucking tough as hell.

00:12:46.000 Tough as fuck, dude.

00:12:46.000 Tough as fuck.

00:12:47.000 Boss was a savage, man.

00:12:49.000 His attack, man, he could kick so fucking hard.

00:12:52.000 I remember when he first fought in Pancrase.

00:12:54.000 All these dudes were kind of doing the same kind of thing.

00:12:56.000 Pancrases, they had open hand slaps.

00:12:58.000 You weren't allowed to punch.

00:12:59.000 And there's a lot of dudes that weren't kicking very good.

00:13:02.000 They just were kind of like, They'd take a guy down and dive on leg locks.

00:13:05.000 All these shin pads and these shoes on.

00:13:08.000 Like, you could grab a hold of a dude's feet pretty easy.

00:13:10.000 And a lot of dudes were doing leg locks.

00:13:11.000 Boss Rootin came out of nowhere blasting dudes with kicks.

00:13:15.000 Just BOOM! You would see them hit these guys.

00:13:18.000 They'd be like, what the fuck?

00:13:19.000 What the fuck is he doing?

00:13:20.000 And the palm strikes, these Japanese guys, they were just slapping each other and grappling.

00:13:26.000 He said, wait a minute, we could slap?

00:13:28.000 Hmm.

00:13:28.000 How about I fucking slap you really fucking hard?

00:13:31.000 So he came in and he was fucking iron palming dudes.

00:13:34.000 What he was doing was Boss could pull his hand way back.

00:13:37.000 So he was basically just punching you with this.

00:13:40.000 He was using all his punch techniques, but he was hitting you with the meat of your hand, which really is better because it doesn't hurt your knuckles.

00:13:48.000 Your hands don't break.

00:13:49.000 You can hit some shit really hard like that.

00:13:52.000 He was knocking people out with these slaps.

00:13:53.000 The Japs weren't knocking anybody out.

00:13:56.000 Uppercut slaps, knocking dudes senseless.

00:13:58.000 You know what's crazy?

00:13:59.000 I went to Amsterdam with Boz Rooten, dude.

00:14:04.000 In 2001, I commentated for a show called Too Hot to Handle in Holland while I was working for King of the Cage and Pride.

00:14:11.000 They fucking hired me, so we're on the same flight, and we're all on the same flight.

00:14:15.000 He lived in LA, and this is when he was crazy as fuck, dude.

00:14:19.000 I'm not going to get into detail what happened.

00:14:21.000 I don't want to bust him out.

00:14:22.000 But he's known as a crazy wild man.

00:14:25.000 Yes.

00:14:25.000 On the fucking plane was a crazy wild man on the plane.

00:14:29.000 And I can't get into details.

00:14:30.000 But god damn it.

00:14:31.000 When we get to Holland, we partied all fucking...

00:14:34.000 I have about a hundred pictures of me and Bob all fucked up in Holland.

00:14:40.000 Jacked everywhere.

00:14:42.000 All...

00:14:43.000 I can't even begin to tell you.

00:14:44.000 Do you remember any of it?

00:14:45.000 I remember all of it.

00:14:47.000 Well, I remember a lot of shit thanks to pictures because we took a lot of pictures.

00:14:50.000 And then you watch the pictures and you go, oh.

00:14:51.000 Isn't it weird how your memories become memories of the pictures?

00:14:54.000 You know what I mean?

00:14:55.000 You actually remember that those are your memories, the picture.

00:14:58.000 Well, memories are only relevant, you know, if you use them.

00:15:01.000 If it's a memory that's never going to come up, it's really hard to retrieve.

00:15:04.000 If it doesn't have any emotional, like, bearing in your life.

00:15:07.000 Like, I have memories from my early childhood because they were like, Strong moments that meant something to me.

00:15:12.000 I learned something from that experience.

00:15:14.000 But like a regular memory, just hanging out with somebody?

00:15:17.000 How long do you remember that for?

00:15:19.000 Good memories.

00:15:20.000 I remember a lot of shit.

00:15:21.000 Dude, as I get older, I feel like I have less room on my hard drive.

00:15:24.000 I feel like I got an old hard drive that's filled up with shit.

00:15:27.000 I don't remember the dumb stuff, but I do remember the important stuff.

00:15:30.000 I got a question for you, Joe.

00:15:32.000 What do you think, out of everything you've heard about pancreas, I mean, what do you think?

00:15:38.000 I don't know what to think, but Ken Shamrock told me, Ken Shamrock told me, came out of his mouth that all those pancreas fights were worked.

00:15:46.000 They were set up.

00:15:48.000 He said all of them?

00:15:49.000 Except for when foreigners fought each other.

00:15:52.000 They would just let them fight.

00:15:53.000 But when it was Japanese against a foreigner...

00:15:58.000 He actually worked for the Japanese.

00:16:01.000 He was in Pank Race as their American to fight so they can mix it in with the Europeans.

00:16:06.000 That's what he said.

00:16:07.000 He said, I was brought in, you had to be really good.

00:16:09.000 Other guys have said the same thing.

00:16:10.000 Yeah, because he said you had to be really, really good because if they asked you to take them to the later rounds or whatever, you had to be good enough too because sometimes the foreigners didn't know they were fixed.

00:16:24.000 He said the foreigners didn't always know.

00:16:26.000 But we would control it.

00:16:28.000 So the foreigners, you'd have to make sure you just didn't knock them out.

00:16:31.000 Something.

00:16:32.000 They were trying to create characters and do different shit.

00:16:36.000 What would they do if the foreigner got hurt?

00:16:37.000 Dude, this is just all...

00:16:39.000 I don't know if this is true or not.

00:16:40.000 So what is it all about?

00:16:41.000 Gambling?

00:16:41.000 Is that what it is?

00:16:42.000 I don't know.

00:16:42.000 Fixed fights?

00:16:43.000 I mean, if it's all about predicting the outcome, is it like pro-wrestling with fighting?

00:16:46.000 What is it?

00:16:47.000 I think it was...

00:16:50.000 Half pro wrestling, half real.

00:16:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:53.000 I think that's a pancreas.

00:16:54.000 But I don't know, man.

00:16:55.000 This is what Ken Shamrock told me.

00:16:56.000 I don't know.

00:16:56.000 I wouldn't know.

00:16:57.000 Because I do know one thing.

00:16:59.000 That fucking Frank Shamrock against Alan Golas, that shit was real.

00:17:03.000 That was pancreas.

00:17:04.000 Was it?

00:17:04.000 And that was real as fuck.

00:17:06.000 Do you remember that?

00:17:06.000 No, I don't remember that part at all.

00:17:08.000 Damn!

00:17:09.000 Was it good?

00:17:09.000 Alan Golas was all over Frank Shamrock.

00:17:12.000 Really?

00:17:13.000 But if you grab the rope...

00:17:15.000 You gotta let go of the hold and start again.

00:17:17.000 So if you're in a fucking hold, you can grab the rope.

00:17:19.000 So Alan Goers was all over Frank Shamrock.

00:17:24.000 Frank Shamrock just started great.

00:17:25.000 He was so green.

00:17:26.000 He really didn't know jiu-jitsu that well.

00:17:28.000 He was just a real natural athlete, powerful, strong.

00:17:31.000 He was always explosive.

00:17:32.000 He was just a fitness fucking powerhouse.

00:17:34.000 And he knew some shit from Ken Shamrock.

00:17:37.000 But he wasn't that good at that point.

00:17:39.000 And Alan Goes was all over him.

00:17:40.000 And if it wasn't for the ropes, he would have fucking...

00:17:42.000 But at the end, Frank Shamrock got him in a fucking footlock, dude.

00:17:47.000 And Alan Goes couldn't reach the rope.

00:17:49.000 And he fucking jacked him and broke his ankle.

00:17:51.000 Really?

00:17:52.000 Yeah, but it was like a draw, I think.

00:17:53.000 I don't remember exactly if it was a disqualification.

00:17:57.000 I don't know.

00:17:57.000 There was something at the end.

00:17:59.000 I don't know who won.

00:18:00.000 But I do know Alan Goes was all over him.

00:18:02.000 But he got saved.

00:18:03.000 Frank Shamrock kept saving the ropes.

00:18:04.000 And then at the end, he got him in an ankle lock, man.

00:18:06.000 And Alan Goes didn't defend right.

00:18:08.000 And he broke it.

00:18:09.000 I mean, he screams.

00:18:10.000 I was surprised that Frank Shamrock retired.

00:18:14.000 I was surprised.

00:18:15.000 He's the commentator for the Strikeforce.

00:18:18.000 But he hasn't retired.

00:18:20.000 He said he retired.

00:18:21.000 He had a big ceremony.

00:18:23.000 He had a big ceremony.

00:18:25.000 He stood in the middle of the octagon and bowed to everybody.

00:18:28.000 You know how many times Ozzy retired?

00:18:32.000 Ozzy who?

00:18:32.000 Ozzy Osbourne.

00:18:33.000 Stop!

00:18:34.000 He's never retired.

00:18:35.000 Exactly!

00:18:35.000 You know how many farewell tours?

00:18:37.000 Technically, he's had several farewell tours.

00:18:40.000 Ken Shamrock had it.

00:18:40.000 Farewell.

00:18:41.000 Okay, so you think Frank Shamrock getting in that cage and just bowing to everybody's publicity stunt, that eventually he's going to come back and make it like it's a really big deal that he's coming back?

00:18:49.000 I'm not going to say it was a publicity stunt because maybe he believes he's really retiring.

00:18:53.000 But I believe...

00:18:54.000 And he hasn't made that much money.

00:18:56.000 He hasn't made that much money.

00:18:57.000 And you have all these boxers that have made gazillions in boxing.

00:19:01.000 It happens all the time.

00:19:01.000 All these boxers that have made gazillions.

00:19:03.000 You get used to the money.

00:19:04.000 Damn, if I fight again, that could fight for...

00:19:06.000 Dude, that could make $200,000.

00:19:08.000 That means a lot to these guys.

00:19:09.000 These guys aren't rich.

00:19:10.000 They'll come back.

00:19:11.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:12.000 They'll always come back.

00:19:13.000 I think he's coming back.

00:19:14.000 He's in his late 30s.

00:19:15.000 I believe he's about 37. You know, even guys with millions come back for the money.

00:19:21.000 And he didn't make millions.

00:19:22.000 Well, he's a smart guy, though.

00:19:24.000 But I respect him.

00:19:25.000 I'm not saying this.

00:19:26.000 I think he can do anything.

00:19:27.000 And I think if he decides that he doesn't want to compete anymore, why should he compete?

00:19:31.000 If it's not in his heart anymore and he feels like his performances reflect that, why not just step down?

00:19:36.000 Why not stop doing it if you can get over it?

00:19:38.000 The real problem with fighters is at a certain point in time, you're...

00:19:41.000 Self-esteem and your self-worth evolves completely around your ability to fight and beat people up.

00:19:46.000 And when you can't do it anymore, you feel like a loser.

00:19:48.000 A lot of guys, they don't even know who they are when they stop competing because it's such an intense experience that a giant chunk of their life is dedicated to getting really good at it, to getting good at fighting.

00:19:58.000 Their whole life revolves around their fighting.

00:20:00.000 And then when they're not fighting, it's like they're lost.

00:20:03.000 Like, when I was doing comedy and I was sucking, one of the best things that happened to me is I tore my ACL. And the reason being is I couldn't train, I couldn't do anything, and I certainly couldn't fight, and I needed an operation.

00:20:14.000 But it took competing as an option away from me.

00:20:18.000 I was 21 years old, and it took it away.

00:20:20.000 Now I was like, I can't compete anymore.

00:20:22.000 My leg's fucked.

00:20:23.000 Okay, so now I do have to concentrate on the next phase of my life.

00:20:26.000 Because otherwise, the thing about martial arts is this is the only thing I'd ever done that I was good at.

00:20:30.000 So I would do other things that suck at them.

00:20:32.000 I'm like, but I'm good at this.

00:20:33.000 What the fuck am I doing?

00:20:34.000 Why am I getting away from this?

00:20:37.000 My brain would be like, you don't want to do something and be terrible at it.

00:20:39.000 Do something to be good at it, even if there's no fucking money in it and no future in it.

00:20:43.000 You know, you can get really, really, really attached to the idea of who you are and being a fighter.

00:20:49.000 It's very difficult for those guys to step away.

00:20:51.000 You know, you can call it the glory.

00:20:53.000 Everybody says it's the glory.

00:20:54.000 It's far more complicated than that.

00:20:56.000 It's who they are.

00:20:57.000 It's all of a sudden their life is not wrapped around training camps, And preparing and improving your skills to face the next level and get to the top.

00:21:05.000 You get your title back once you've lost it.

00:21:07.000 It's not that anymore.

00:21:09.000 Now you're just a regular dude.

00:21:11.000 Well, if you were just a regular dude, there's nothing sad about being a regular dude.

00:21:14.000 But I guess if you're a fighter and you go to become just being a regular dude, for a lot of them, it's just too much to handle.

00:21:20.000 They don't want them in a normal life.

00:21:22.000 They're wired for fucking craziness.

00:21:24.000 They're wired for that extreme experience.

00:21:27.000 That shit's hard to walk away from, huh?

00:21:29.000 Dude, I mean, nothing could feel better than beating someone's, like, winning the belt in the UFC, main card.

00:21:37.000 When Chuck Liddell throws those arms back and...

00:21:39.000 Yeah.

00:21:39.000 I mean, what feels better than that?

00:21:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:42.000 I mean, it looks like...

00:21:43.000 You're the number one guy on the planet.

00:21:45.000 When Chuck would do that and throw his arms back, it looks like he's got, like, the whole fucking...

00:21:50.000 Like, he should be glowing.

00:21:51.000 Like...

00:21:52.000 Yeah, like there's a lightning bolt coming from the sky.

00:21:55.000 Of course you get addicted to that.

00:21:58.000 Fuck yeah.

00:21:59.000 That's the ultimate rush.

00:22:00.000 When he smashed Tito, and after it was over, he was so fired up because Tito would talk so much shit.

00:22:07.000 Chuck is like the nicest guy in the world, but if you talk shit...

00:22:12.000 Chuck Liddell is the last person you want to talk shit to because he just wants to take it out on you.

00:22:16.000 He wanted to take it out on Tito so bad.

00:22:18.000 And when he knocked him out and he fucking threw his arms back like...

00:22:21.000 It literally was like that.

00:22:24.000 It was like a black hole was opening up.

00:22:26.000 Were you there when...

00:22:28.000 Did I tell you the story about Chuck Liddell partying and Dana's lawyer or something grabbing some chick's ass?

00:22:36.000 No.

00:22:36.000 Did I tell you that story?

00:22:37.000 Should you be telling us?

00:22:40.000 Um...

00:22:42.000 I don't know the guy's name, so it doesn't matter.

00:22:43.000 It was just a guy.

00:22:44.000 Well, did he do something that can get him in trouble?

00:22:46.000 No.

00:22:47.000 No.

00:22:47.000 No, no, no.

00:22:48.000 No, no, no, no.

00:22:49.000 Chuck loves the story.

00:22:52.000 No, no, Chuck loves this story.

00:22:53.000 Someone's going to jail.

00:22:54.000 No, no, no.

00:22:54.000 What happened is we're at some club in Vegas, Excess or some shit, and it's like Dana, Lorenzo, Chuck's there.

00:23:03.000 This guy I'm talking to is the lawyer guy.

00:23:06.000 They have a bunch of lawyers.

00:23:07.000 A lawyer for something.

00:23:09.000 Little guy.

00:23:10.000 He's all sitting there.

00:23:11.000 We're all at a table.

00:23:11.000 And right next to the next table is this straight baller.

00:23:15.000 He had to be a rapper.

00:23:17.000 Because he was straight, making it rain.

00:23:20.000 It was funny.

00:23:21.000 Oh, wait a minute, dude.

00:23:22.000 I was there.

00:23:22.000 This is the guy that got mouthy with Chuck.

00:23:24.000 Yes, yes.

00:23:25.000 Remember, he started throwing ones up.

00:23:27.000 And it was funny.

00:23:28.000 The dude next to us was throwing up ones.

00:23:30.000 The ones were landing on our table.

00:23:32.000 We had billionaires there.

00:23:34.000 Nobody's picking up the fucking ones, dude.

00:23:37.000 They're just all over our feet.

00:23:39.000 The guy's making it rain and no one gets shit.

00:23:41.000 So anyways...

00:23:42.000 The guy got loud and mouthy.

00:23:43.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:23:44.000 He had a bunch of girls in that.

00:23:46.000 The rapper guy.

00:23:47.000 It was just him by himself with a bunch of chicks at his table.

00:23:50.000 And we're right next to him.

00:23:51.000 And I'm sitting there looking at all the girls going, God damn, this guy has got a lot of girls.

00:23:56.000 What does he do, right?

00:23:58.000 And I think...

00:23:59.000 I don't know what he...

00:24:00.000 He was an athlete or something.

00:24:01.000 Probably sold coke.

00:24:02.000 And the lawyer that was sitting next to me, we're both looking over.

00:24:05.000 We're both looking over at all the chicks.

00:24:07.000 And I'm going, God damn, he's got some hot ones.

00:24:10.000 And the lawyer guy reaches over at their table and grabs the chick's ass.

00:24:14.000 And the girl turns around and goes, who the fuck did that?

00:24:17.000 And the lawyer pointed at me.

00:24:18.000 He said, me.

00:24:19.000 I go, fuck you.

00:24:20.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:24:22.000 Give up this guy's name.

00:24:23.000 I don't know his name.

00:24:24.000 I don't know his name.

00:24:25.000 I don't have no idea who he is.

00:24:26.000 But he was with everybody.

00:24:29.000 He grabbed the girl's ass, and then the girl goes, who grabbed my ass?

00:24:33.000 He goes, he pointed at me.

00:24:34.000 I go, dude, it was him.

00:24:36.000 Fuck.

00:24:36.000 Fuck you.

00:24:37.000 I didn't grab no girl's ass.

00:24:38.000 He fucking pointed at me?

00:24:40.000 He pointed at me, right?

00:24:41.000 We have to find who this guy is.

00:24:43.000 So that girl grabs the fucking athlete, dude.

00:24:48.000 Right.

00:24:48.000 Comes over and he gets right in his fucking face and he's right there saying, did you?

00:24:52.000 And the guy keeps trying to shake it.

00:24:54.000 The lawyer guy tries to shake his hand and goes, like, fuck you, shake your hand.

00:24:57.000 You grab your fucking asshole.

00:24:58.000 Fuck you up right here.

00:24:59.000 He's like right in his face.

00:25:00.000 He goes, let me shake your hand.

00:25:01.000 Let's talk.

00:25:02.000 He goes, fuck Fuck your hand, man.

00:25:03.000 Fuck your hand, man.

00:25:04.000 He goes, let's just talk this up because I'm going to fuck you up right here.

00:25:08.000 And then while this is happening, fucking Patrick...

00:25:12.000 He calls Chuck or Dana calls Chuck or Lorenzo, one of them.

00:25:15.000 They call Chuck.

00:25:15.000 Chuck's just hanging out on the other side of the table.

00:25:17.000 He looks over and they go, Chuck, handle that shit.

00:25:20.000 Chuck went fucking...

00:25:22.000 Dude, he went right into that guy's face.

00:25:25.000 He said, what the fuck are you going to do?

00:25:26.000 He didn't even know what the fuck happened.

00:25:28.000 And the guy starts going, trying to shake Chuck's hand.

00:25:31.000 He was trying to shake Chuck's hand.

00:25:33.000 Chuck goes, fuck you.

00:25:34.000 You don't fuck with anybody here.

00:25:35.000 I'm going to fucking kill you.

00:25:37.000 Wait a minute.

00:25:38.000 You sure that that's what he said?

00:25:39.000 Yeah.

00:25:39.000 You weren't right there, though.

00:25:41.000 I was there with you.

00:25:42.000 He was screaming at him.

00:25:43.000 Really?

00:25:43.000 Yeah, and the guy was trying to shake Chuck's hand, and Chuck was like, oh!

00:25:45.000 It seemed to me a little bit more less intense than that.

00:25:49.000 No, no, that's exactly what it was.

00:25:50.000 The guy was definitely very aggro, but Chuck did get in his face.

00:25:53.000 Oh, dude, Chuck got right in his face and shut him down.

00:25:56.000 As soon as he saw Chuck.

00:25:57.000 The guy's hands were fucking registered with the FBI. What happened to him?

00:25:59.000 There's only black guys and they're cousins.

00:26:01.000 Did you ever notice that shit?

00:26:02.000 No, there's a lot of white karate guys that registered hands.

00:26:04.000 Nah, they don't exist.

00:26:06.000 When I was a kid growing up, if you were black and you talked about Bruce Lee, there's always that black guy that said, listen, I got a cousin who's a black belt who's got his hands registered with the emperor.

00:26:15.000 What does it entail to actually have your hair?

00:26:18.000 Only black guys have their hands ready for an FBI.

00:26:21.000 Maybe 20 years ago, I think if you had a black belt in karate in some states, you had to register your hands.

00:26:27.000 I don't think that's ever been the case.

00:26:29.000 But you never heard about that?

00:26:30.000 I've heard about that.

00:26:31.000 People heard about it but it's not real.

00:26:32.000 It's just things that people make up.

00:26:34.000 I don't think there's any place that makes you register your hands as a deadly weapon.

00:26:37.000 Are you sure?

00:26:38.000 We're positive.

00:26:39.000 I'm almost positive.

00:26:40.000 A hundred percent?

00:26:40.000 We got this on 10. I'm not a hundred.

00:26:42.000 I'm not a hundred.

00:26:42.000 But I would say I'm 90. If you're a professional boxer, boss is very sure.

00:26:47.000 This is not true.

00:26:48.000 No, he does not.

00:26:50.000 Boss is very upset.

00:26:51.000 If you're a professional boxer or professional fighter and something ever goes down...

00:26:55.000 You always lose because that's the case.

00:26:57.000 Well, that's not necessarily the case.

00:26:58.000 That's Roger Huerta thing.

00:26:59.000 Everybody thinks he was in the right.

00:27:01.000 That guy that knocked out that chicken.

00:27:02.000 But things have changed now.

00:27:04.000 Yeah, things have changed now.

00:27:04.000 But 20 years ago, there was something.

00:27:07.000 There were some states that registered him.

00:27:08.000 Well, that's a video.

00:27:09.000 There's a video of that guy being an aggressive douchebag.

00:27:11.000 So that's where the evidence is.

00:27:13.000 It's a good thing.

00:27:14.000 It's karma.

00:27:16.000 Yeah, well, the guy punched this chick in the face.

00:27:19.000 It's the beginning of the video, and the guy just...

00:27:21.000 Whoever's filming it looks like he just got lucky and caught this all on tape.

00:27:24.000 But this big black dude, he's a fucking...

00:27:26.000 What's going on here?

00:27:28.000 Just hold it like a mic.

00:27:30.000 Nah, I'm not in the mood.

00:27:31.000 I'm over here hanging.

00:27:31.000 Relaxing.

00:27:32.000 This big, big guy, he's like 250, fucking giant muscles, walks up to this chick and just blasts her in the face and sucker punches her.

00:27:39.000 And everybody's like, what the fuck?

00:27:41.000 But the dude's so big, nobody wants to do anything.

00:27:43.000 Well, Roger Huerta gets right up to the guy and he goes, hey man, he's got his hands up like this, man, man, you just knocked out a girl.

00:27:49.000 And the guy's like, I'll knock out any bitch I want, I'll knock your bitch ass out.

00:27:52.000 And the guy took his shirt off.

00:27:54.000 So Roger Huerta goes, alright, I guess we're going.

00:27:57.000 Roger Wirt takes his shirt off, and there's a lot of scrambling in the camera.

00:28:00.000 It's tough to see what's going on.

00:28:02.000 But seconds later, maybe four, maybe five, the dude's unconscious on the ground, and Roger Wirt is beating down on him.

00:28:08.000 Just blah, blah, blah.

00:28:09.000 I mean, it's like karma, like a movie.

00:28:11.000 He's an action hero.

00:28:12.000 He's like Spider-Man.

00:28:13.000 He just blasts this dude out of nowhere, and they all got it on video.

00:28:16.000 And you can't say anything because the guy hit a chick.

00:28:18.000 It's like the perfect scenario.

00:28:20.000 It's like here's a guy using his martial arts for good unquestionably.

00:28:24.000 I mean, he's in a place where a guy assaults a woman and hits her with a sucker punch.

00:28:30.000 He confronts the man with his hands up in a passive way like this.

00:28:34.000 Like, hey man, what the fuck?

00:28:35.000 You just knocked out a girl.

00:28:36.000 Like, surely there's got to be a reason for this.

00:28:38.000 You know, yeah, that girl killed my mother.

00:28:40.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:28:41.000 You never know.

00:28:41.000 I don't think he meant to do it.

00:28:54.000 I think he couldn't help himself.

00:28:55.000 That guy went through a lot of abuse when he was a kid.

00:28:58.000 He's very sensitive to bullies, I think.

00:29:00.000 And when he sees a situation like that, it's like, you have to step in and do something.

00:29:04.000 Like, that girl just got punched.

00:29:05.000 I mean, even if it was for a reason, what could it have been?

00:29:09.000 What's the reason to walk up to a chick and sucker punch you?

00:29:12.000 Drown your puppy?

00:29:13.000 What the fuck?

00:29:14.000 You know, what is it?

00:29:17.000 There's no reason.

00:29:17.000 Why would I sucker punch a chick?

00:29:19.000 Let me think.

00:29:21.000 She would have had to...

00:29:22.000 She'd have the keys to the nuclear bomb.

00:29:24.000 You know what?

00:29:25.000 If she stole my fucking phone, I would fucking...

00:29:27.000 If she stole my phone, I would sucker punch her.

00:29:29.000 Really?

00:29:30.000 Yeah.

00:29:30.000 That's all it takes?

00:29:31.000 A girl has to steal your phone and you'll sucker punch her?

00:29:33.000 I'll fucking...

00:29:34.000 Wow.

00:29:34.000 You're very close with your phone.

00:29:37.000 He loves his phone.

00:29:38.000 No, maybe my laptop.

00:29:40.000 My laptop.

00:29:40.000 Maybe my phone, I would like push her head.

00:29:44.000 What's the longest time you've been without a phone and without internet connection?

00:29:48.000 What's the longest time?

00:29:50.000 Ooh...

00:29:54.000 Man, AT&T is worldwide.

00:29:57.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:29:58.000 They suck locally.

00:30:00.000 AT&T sucks balls at my house.

00:30:02.000 I can't talk on the phone at my house.

00:30:04.000 It's kind of weird.

00:30:05.000 But, goddammit, it'll come on in Thailand on a fucking island off the coast of Thailand.

00:30:11.000 I'm like, goddammit, it's working.

00:30:13.000 I guess they're roaming or something, right?

00:30:15.000 Yeah.

00:30:15.000 I don't know what it is, but...

00:30:16.000 I went to a resort once in Mexico, in Cancun.

00:30:20.000 I wanted to go see the Mayan ruins.

00:30:21.000 And we went to Chichen Itza.

00:30:24.000 And the resort that we went to, that we stayed at near Cancun, no telephones, no internet access, no television.

00:30:31.000 Beautiful.

00:30:31.000 Nothing.

00:30:32.000 There was nothing.

00:30:33.000 It was terrible.

00:30:34.000 I fucking hated it.

00:30:35.000 I hated it.

00:30:36.000 Oh, shit.

00:30:37.000 I got movies to watch on my laptop.

00:30:39.000 I'm watching movies on my laptop.

00:30:40.000 My laptop can't even connect to the fucking internet.

00:30:42.000 And you're running out of movies.

00:30:43.000 Yeah.

00:30:47.000 At night time, man.

00:30:48.000 I like watching a little TV. It doesn't matter where I'm staying, how beautiful it is.

00:30:52.000 When I lie down in bed, I like to see what the fuck's going on in the world.

00:30:55.000 I like to just turn on CNN for a few minutes.

00:30:58.000 Last week, I made a mistake.

00:30:59.000 I wanted a house phone.

00:31:01.000 So I called AT&T. Terry called up AT&T. We got everything put together.

00:31:05.000 The DSL, the house phone.

00:31:07.000 Well, they hooked everything up, except they shut the DSL off.

00:31:11.000 For five days.

00:31:12.000 No DSL. No DSL in the fucking house.

00:31:15.000 Oh my god.

00:31:16.000 No internet.

00:31:16.000 Dial up!

00:31:17.000 Oh my god.

00:31:18.000 After one day, I was like, fuck it.

00:31:20.000 And I just spread it out.

00:31:21.000 I didn't bust down and go to the library.

00:31:22.000 And I'll tell you what.

00:31:23.000 By the third day, it was kind of fucking nice.

00:31:25.000 Really?

00:31:27.000 I'd be so behind on emails.

00:31:28.000 I couldn't do it.

00:31:30.000 I'd get stressed.

00:31:30.000 So what?

00:31:31.000 Five days.

00:31:32.000 Try it for five days.

00:31:33.000 No computer, no cell phone.

00:31:35.000 See what your life...

00:31:36.000 You know when Brock Lesnar does that shit sometimes, you really gotta think about it.

00:31:39.000 And I know.

00:31:41.000 I know you're in a position where you need your cell phone.

00:31:42.000 Okay.

00:31:43.000 Yeah, but listen, man, obviously I agree with you.

00:31:45.000 That's why I moved to the mountains.

00:31:47.000 It's something about it.

00:31:48.000 I really enjoyed it.

00:31:49.000 I think being separate, just having a little time to yourself is very important.

00:31:53.000 Very important.

00:31:53.000 Look, I mean, I'm a huge proponent of the isolation tank, and that's the whole theory behind the isolation tank, being alone.

00:32:00.000 Completely.

00:32:01.000 Dude, in 98, remember I was going out psycho?

00:32:05.000 Eddie's girlfriends always have the best names.

00:32:07.000 Bored again, bored again was one, psycho was another.

00:32:11.000 Psycho, we were at the tail end of the relationship, it was falling apart, and we decided, let's try to rekindle our love and drive up the coast to Monterey.

00:32:19.000 Let's try it.

00:32:20.000 See what happens.

00:32:21.000 One final fucking go at it, right?

00:32:23.000 So we drove up and it was pretty fucking cool.

00:32:26.000 Getting high, driving up the fucking PCH. The view was amazing.

00:32:29.000 I didn't realize, first time ever I drove up, I didn't realize how beautiful the coast is.

00:32:33.000 The view is incredible.

00:32:35.000 All the way up the coast, it's like, I kept pulling over every 10 minutes.

00:32:38.000 I kept looking, I'm like, I gotta videotape this.

00:32:42.000 This is like...

00:32:43.000 Fucking heaven!

00:32:44.000 It's weird that it's so close to the edge, though, that road.

00:32:47.000 That road's scary as fuck.

00:32:49.000 It's like you could easily just turn, just decide, this is it, I'm gonna end it.

00:32:52.000 Turn to the right, and you're off the side of the cliff.

00:32:55.000 So scary.

00:32:57.000 But it's beautiful.

00:32:58.000 And you're trusting the other person coming the other direction.

00:33:01.000 I'm trusting you to not be crazy and suicidal.

00:33:03.000 So we're driving up the coast, we go up to Monterey.

00:33:06.000 It's fucking cool.

00:33:06.000 We go to the aquarium, videotape and shit.

00:33:08.000 I'm like, fuck, man, I'm having a good time out there.

00:33:10.000 This is nice.

00:33:11.000 Right?

00:33:11.000 Smoking weed the whole time.

00:33:13.000 And then we spend a couple days in Monterey.

00:33:15.000 It was cool.

00:33:15.000 It was getting a little boring.

00:33:17.000 It was getting a little boring, but I'm like, okay.

00:33:19.000 We were going to drive back down, and there's a place.

00:33:22.000 It's like the wilderness next to the beach on cliffs.

00:33:24.000 It's called Big Sur.

00:33:25.000 And you rent little bungalows.

00:33:27.000 And we're going to rent bungalows for two nights.

00:33:29.000 Like, fuck it.

00:33:29.000 And go hiking.

00:33:30.000 And then hike to the beach.

00:33:32.000 Fuck, it's amazing.

00:33:33.000 It's fucking paradise.

00:33:35.000 We get there.

00:33:36.000 We check in for two nights.

00:33:37.000 Bam, immediately we go hiking and shit.

00:33:40.000 We had been in Monterey for a couple days.

00:33:41.000 We go to the beach.

00:33:42.000 Fuck, I got that all.

00:33:43.000 It's like some magical shit.

00:33:45.000 And then, man, the sun was coming down.

00:33:46.000 And we go back to the bungalow.

00:33:48.000 And we didn't know they didn't have anything.

00:33:50.000 They didn't have radio, TV, nothing.

00:33:53.000 They had nothing.

00:33:54.000 That's true.

00:33:54.000 So we were like, oh shit.

00:33:56.000 So it's like 7.30 and we're kicking back.

00:34:00.000 There's nothing to do.

00:34:01.000 So we watched the last two days at Monterey on the little LCD screen on my camcorder.

00:34:06.000 We're watching that and I'm thinking, there's only 90 minutes.

00:34:11.000 I was beginning to see.

00:34:13.000 We fucked.

00:34:14.000 The first time ever we videotaped it.

00:34:17.000 It was like, whoa, the first time we've ever videotaped sex.

00:34:19.000 We ran out of shit to do.

00:34:22.000 Damn, and now it's like 9.30 and shit.

00:34:24.000 Holy fuck.

00:34:26.000 I realized something.

00:34:29.000 That how important TV and internet is, especially when you're, you know, I could just go to sleep or whatever, but when you're trying to entertain your girlfriend, I said, fuck it.

00:34:38.000 I went back to, I went to the front desk and I said, I didn't know that we didn't, there was no reception up here at all.

00:34:44.000 Can we get, can I get a refund for tomorrow?

00:34:46.000 I just wanted to leave that next morning.

00:34:48.000 Get the Fuck back to my life.

00:34:50.000 So I came back and I go, guess what?

00:34:52.000 She said, what?

00:34:53.000 I go, I got the refund for tomorrow night.

00:34:55.000 She goes, yes!

00:34:57.000 She wanted the fuck out too.

00:34:59.000 I was like, yeah, let's get the fuck out of here.

00:35:01.000 We're just lying though.

00:35:02.000 There's nothing to do.

00:35:04.000 We've heard each other's stories for the last six months.

00:35:09.000 Like, what are you going to tell me?

00:35:09.000 A new story about you?

00:35:11.000 Something new about you?

00:35:12.000 Man, when you first meet someone, hanging out with them for 10 hours in a row and just talking is easy.

00:35:17.000 We broke up.

00:35:17.000 On the way back, she was in a bad mood.

00:35:19.000 We started fighting.

00:35:20.000 I'm like, it's fucking over.

00:35:22.000 By the time I hit fucking Santa Barbara, I was like, okay.

00:35:26.000 I was thinking of the exit plan, you know what I mean?

00:35:28.000 It was done.

00:35:29.000 So TV kept your relationship together.

00:35:31.000 Yes, and I realized we didn't have shit.

00:35:33.000 We didn't have shit.

00:35:35.000 By the time I hit Santa Barbara and Ventura, I was like planning for the future without her.

00:35:41.000 You had fucking.

00:35:42.000 And sometimes that's enough to keep a relationship together for a long time.

00:35:45.000 And we had entertainment.

00:35:46.000 We watched a lot of TV together.

00:35:48.000 If we didn't have TV, what the fuck would we do together?

00:35:50.000 You know what I mean?

00:35:52.000 Nowadays, couples, couples, like I went to my friend's house, Steve from, you know, Steve Melee from Melee, right here.

00:36:00.000 Him and his girlfriend, they got the big screen going and they're both got their laptops on.

00:36:06.000 They're both, every time I go over, they're watching some movie.

00:36:10.000 Oh, we're watching a movie again and we're on our laptop too.

00:36:13.000 And it's like, that's the fucking wave of the future right there, right?

00:36:17.000 Well, yeah, if you're in that kind of a relationship, yeah.

00:36:19.000 Yeah, you know what?

00:36:20.000 We're hanging out, but we got shit to do, but we're still hanging out.

00:36:23.000 We're still right here.

00:36:24.000 I could kiss you and all that, but I got work to do.

00:36:26.000 Some chicks, though, they want to be watching the same thing.

00:36:29.000 They're like, don't want you in the room while they watch a movie.

00:36:32.000 But you gotta cuddle.

00:36:33.000 If you ain't cuddling, why are you watching the movie?

00:36:36.000 Well, fuck the cuddling.

00:36:37.000 You just want to watch the movie.

00:36:39.000 You sit over there, I sit over here.

00:36:40.000 You guys sit separately?

00:36:43.000 I don't like people on top of me.

00:36:45.000 I don't give a fuck who is it.

00:36:49.000 I love cuddling.

00:36:50.000 Oh, I like cuddling too.

00:36:52.000 Late night.

00:36:53.000 Late night.

00:36:53.000 But not at 8 when I'm watching like fucking UFC. But I'm better get my nookie cookie, then I'm good.

00:36:58.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:36:58.000 You can't cuddle and watch the UFC, right?

00:37:01.000 No way!

00:37:04.000 I don't like that.

00:37:05.000 I like to wean myself off of shit, especially the last five or six years.

00:37:09.000 There's nights I don't sleep with that.

00:37:10.000 I sleep apnea machine.

00:37:12.000 I know I'm going to get a headache.

00:37:13.000 What if there's a fucking earthquake?

00:37:14.000 What if?

00:37:15.000 What if?

00:37:16.000 I always want to prepare myself.

00:37:17.000 And that's why I don't like this shit.

00:37:19.000 These are fucking luxuries, guy.

00:37:21.000 That's why I was the last guy to get a fucking cell phone.

00:37:24.000 You know it.

00:37:24.000 You broke my balls for three years about it.

00:37:27.000 Something about it.

00:37:28.000 Something about it.

00:37:29.000 You got that pager.

00:37:30.000 When I call somebody and they have a cell phone and they don't answer, it pisses me off.

00:37:33.000 Because it's not a house phone.

00:37:35.000 It's a cell phone.

00:37:35.000 It's in your pocket, you miserable motherfucker.

00:37:38.000 Answer the fucking thing.

00:37:39.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:40.000 And that's why I don't like cell phones.

00:37:41.000 Because I like to get people I call and say, let me look at your cell phone and smash it.

00:37:45.000 Because that's what it's a luxury.

00:37:47.000 Answer the fucking thing.

00:37:48.000 It's It's the same thing with these fucking computers.

00:37:50.000 You gotta get off, especially you.

00:37:52.000 You're intelligent.

00:37:53.000 Get off this shit for five days and see how different your fucking life is.

00:37:56.000 I enjoyed it.

00:37:57.000 After the second day, I was like, God damn.

00:37:59.000 It's like I was on coke.

00:38:00.000 I had to go somewhere every 20 minutes to do a bump.

00:38:03.000 That's what I feel like when I'm on a computer.

00:38:05.000 Every time I'm home, I gotta stop what I'm doing every 30 minutes and see who emailed me or whatever.

00:38:09.000 It was really nice not to give a fuck.

00:38:12.000 Like, you know what?

00:38:13.000 I don't give a fuck.

00:38:14.000 It would be nice.

00:38:14.000 I agree with you.

00:38:15.000 I understand.

00:38:16.000 But I actually enjoy the business when I get in the mode and I got to answer all my emails.

00:38:22.000 I'm loving it.

00:38:23.000 I'm like, it's happening, son.

00:38:25.000 But you know what?

00:38:26.000 I write a letter from time to time.

00:38:28.000 I write a letter.

00:38:29.000 Just to fucking keep me alive, dawg.

00:38:31.000 Don't depend on this shit.

00:38:32.000 You know what?

00:38:33.000 Let me ask you something.

00:38:34.000 If right now, if I took your fucking phone and I asked you what your mother's number was, you wouldn't fucking know it.

00:38:38.000 And neither would you.

00:38:40.000 And neither would I. We're getting too fucking comfortable, guys.

00:38:43.000 And it's fucking bullshit.

00:38:44.000 That is true.

00:38:44.000 I take your phone, I smash it, you're gonna sit there scratching your nuts for two days.

00:38:48.000 You know three numbers in your head.

00:38:50.000 The house, your manager, and that's it.

00:38:52.000 You don't know nobody else's number.

00:38:53.000 You think of how fucking far we are.

00:38:56.000 You're the only number I know.

00:38:57.000 But I don't even know that number no more because you gotta do one!

00:38:59.000 I don't know your number number!

00:39:01.000 I had to wait for three days for you to call me.

00:39:04.000 That's why I didn't call you in Boston last week.

00:39:06.000 I had to wait three days.

00:39:06.000 How many numbers do you think you can store in your brain?

00:39:09.000 Me?

00:39:10.000 Yeah, anybody.

00:39:10.000 Bro, in the old days, because of my cocaine and my criminal shit, I don't want numbers written on papers.

00:39:15.000 My mom never wrote nothing on papers.

00:39:18.000 When my mother died, that's why I never talked to my sister anymore.

00:39:21.000 Because my mom had all those numbers in her head.

00:39:24.000 You know Jay-Z does all his raps in his head?

00:39:25.000 In his head, you have to.

00:39:27.000 It's in your fucking head, man.

00:39:28.000 That's kind of crazy.

00:39:29.000 That's insanity.

00:39:30.000 I mean, you do need a paper from time to time.

00:39:32.000 I like notes, man.

00:39:33.000 I'm all about notes.

00:39:34.000 I went through a long time where I didn't write any of my comedy down.

00:39:36.000 Don't believe he don't use a paper.

00:39:38.000 You gotta write shit down from time to time.

00:39:39.000 I got notes like a motherfucker.

00:39:41.000 That's huge.

00:39:42.000 I'll forget.

00:39:43.000 I forget, man.

00:39:44.000 What I think is happening, Joey, is much more complicated than that.

00:39:47.000 I think it's not that this is making us soft.

00:39:50.000 I think this is becoming a part of us.

00:39:52.000 When you leave your phone at home, and I leave my phone at home, and I go out, and I realize I don't have my phone on me, I feel...

00:39:58.000 Naked.

00:39:58.000 Something's wrong.

00:39:59.000 Yeah.

00:40:00.000 You're disconnected from the world.

00:40:01.000 You have this anxiety.

00:40:01.000 I feel vulnerable.

00:40:02.000 You have this anxiety.

00:40:03.000 Yeah, I feel vulnerable.

00:40:04.000 And you walk in your door, you pick up your phone, and I called you.

00:40:07.000 Big fucking deal.

00:40:08.000 You missed the guy.

00:40:09.000 Yeah, but it feels good, though.

00:40:10.000 Something about it.

00:40:11.000 Think about it.

00:40:11.000 Think about when you walk in, you haven't had your phone on, and you open it up, and you think all this fucking knowledge is going to be in there.

00:40:19.000 I think it's nostalgia for the past.

00:40:21.000 I think we're moving towards an era where you don't remember phone numbers.

00:40:24.000 They're on this device that controls everything in your life, and it might even be a part of your body.

00:40:28.000 I think you can't hold on to the past.

00:40:31.000 Things are changing.

00:40:32.000 They're obviously changing.

00:40:33.000 In our lifetime, the Internet has made things radically different, just in our lifetime.

00:40:36.000 We have had more change in our lifetime than hundreds and hundreds of years in the past, just in a few decades.

00:40:42.000 I think all this computer and technology and shit, it's not making us soft.

00:40:46.000 It's becoming a part of us.

00:40:48.000 And it's going to, I think, in some way, it's going to help human beings evolve.

00:40:52.000 Well, two years from now, when the Arabs bombed the fucking tower or the satellites, and we got no phone, and you're stuck on fucking the floor trying to call me, cocksucker.

00:40:59.000 You'll say, I had a fucking Joey's number in my cell.

00:41:03.000 You're right.

00:41:04.000 That's the least of my worries when the world ends.

00:41:07.000 No, I didn't talk about the world ends.

00:41:08.000 The phone ain't gonna work.

00:41:09.000 Listen, they've been trying to hit...

00:41:11.000 You ain't gonna have no lines when the world ends.

00:41:13.000 There's no lines.

00:41:14.000 I don't want no fucking lines.

00:41:15.000 You're gonna need to know how to make a bow and arrow with your shoelace.

00:41:18.000 I understand that.

00:41:18.000 And go kill a rabbit.

00:41:19.000 That's why I'm getting ready for that shit.

00:41:20.000 That's why I hang out with the brothers.

00:41:21.000 I got bows and arrows.

00:41:22.000 That's why I hang out with the brothers in Vermont and shoot.

00:41:24.000 That's why we're gonna go hunting with Ricky Schroeder.

00:41:26.000 We're gonna make it a reality special.

00:41:28.000 Eddie Bravo, me, and Ricky Schroeder out hunting.

00:41:30.000 The only animal I've ever killed was...

00:41:34.000 If you count a rat, like I set up a mousetrap, you know what I mean?

00:41:38.000 You'd be down for that though, right?

00:41:40.000 Go hunting with Ricky Schroeder?

00:41:41.000 Fuck yeah.

00:41:41.000 We should film that, right?

00:41:43.000 That would be interesting.

00:41:45.000 You and I, super baked in the woods with guns.

00:41:49.000 What a great idea.

00:41:50.000 You can't do that.

00:41:51.000 You can't be super baked in the woods.

00:41:51.000 With a straight Ricky Schroeder, right?

00:41:53.000 If I was really high, I think I would be better at hand.

00:41:56.000 I'm just kidding, ladies and gentlemen.

00:41:57.000 I wouldn't be high with a gun in the same woods as other people.

00:41:59.000 Yeah, how dare you?

00:42:01.000 Yes, you would.

00:42:01.000 That's okay.

00:42:02.000 I would not do that.

00:42:04.000 It's wrong.

00:42:05.000 Eddie can't do the rubber guts.

00:42:06.000 He's got a.22 in his fucking knee.

00:42:07.000 You have to be very careful.

00:42:09.000 I read this article online.

00:42:11.000 I was researching hunting accidents in Maine.

00:42:14.000 Because I used to have this joke about hunting in Maine, and I was like, I wonder what the real numbers were, like how many people actually got shot.

00:42:20.000 Well, the real problem is experienced hunters.

00:42:22.000 They literally see deer.

00:42:24.000 They'll see a deer, and they'll pull the trigger, and then after they pull the trigger, they realize it's a woman in a red jacket.

00:42:30.000 It's like their mind plays tricks on them.

00:42:32.000 Because a seasoned hunter has to get so good at recognizing movement.

00:42:36.000 There he is!

00:42:37.000 I got the opening!

00:42:38.000 Boom!

00:42:38.000 Pull the trigger!

00:42:38.000 So their brain literally puts an image of a deer in front of them when they see motion.

00:42:44.000 Your brain tries to already give you the image before it even gets it.

00:42:49.000 Because you're looking for it so bad.

00:42:50.000 You're looking for it so bad that your brain makes you visualize a deer.

00:42:54.000 There's the deer!

00:42:54.000 And these guys literally say they saw a deer in the most horrible night.

00:42:58.000 How often does that happen?

00:42:59.000 All the time.

00:43:00.000 Really?

00:43:01.000 Yeah, that's the problem.

00:43:02.000 The problem is experienced hunters.

00:43:04.000 Experienced hunters who just, they're just used to knowing that you have to capitalize on a quick opening.

00:43:09.000 There's the opening, bang!

00:43:10.000 Oh my god, it's a person!

00:43:11.000 Like, that shit's real, man.

00:43:13.000 Wow.

00:43:13.000 That's the scariest thing about hunting.

00:43:15.000 The scariest thing about hunting is hunters that don't know what the fuck they're doing, and, you know, people accidentally shooting people.

00:43:20.000 It happens all the time.

00:43:21.000 So you got experienced hunters out there, 30%, and the other is unexperienced.

00:43:25.000 So some motherfucker's gonna get shot, is what we're saying.

00:43:28.000 Dude, the article that I was reading was about this guy who was an investigator, and he was out there, like, investigating people who were shot.

00:43:35.000 And, you know, they had this one guy that he thinks was a suspect, and the guy was an experienced hunter.

00:43:39.000 And he just, you know, was asking the guy, like, hey, you know, you see anything?

00:43:42.000 Anything going on?

00:43:42.000 You know, we got a situation.

00:43:44.000 And the guy's like, no, no, didn't see anything.

00:43:46.000 All he did was just drive by the dude's house every day for a week.

00:43:50.000 Just pause in front of the house, stop, look at him, drive.

00:43:53.000 Four or five days later, the dude cracked.

00:43:55.000 He just couldn't take it anymore.

00:43:56.000 Imagine the guilt of accidentally shooting somebody while you're hunting.

00:43:59.000 You know, you think you're seeing a deer.

00:44:02.000 So he talked to the guy, and that's what the guy said once he finally confessed.

00:44:04.000 He said, I really thought it was a person.

00:44:06.000 I mean, I really thought it was an animal.

00:44:07.000 I saw an animal.

00:44:08.000 I saw the horns.

00:44:09.000 I saw the whole thing.

00:44:10.000 I saw a buck with a big rack, and I pulled the trigger.

00:44:12.000 And it was a person.

00:44:13.000 Let's go do that.

00:44:16.000 A tape bit.

00:44:17.000 I don't want to hunt until they let us hunt for the cop suckers.

00:44:20.000 That's when I want to go hunting.

00:44:21.000 I want to hunt the fucking humans in the woods.

00:44:23.000 Yeah, but you can't eat them, man.

00:44:24.000 I don't want to eat a fucking...

00:44:24.000 I don't even want to eat something like that.

00:44:25.000 Well, you eat animals like crazy.

00:44:27.000 Yeah, but I don't want to eat something like that.

00:44:28.000 Oh, I do.

00:44:29.000 I don't want to see it.

00:44:30.000 Why not?

00:44:30.000 I don't want to see that fucking hole in its head.

00:44:32.000 Why would you want the animal to die in some fucking factory farm where they get their brains smashed by a piston and they're living in cow shit all day for most of their life until that happens.

00:44:42.000 I just don't want to shoot an animal.

00:44:44.000 You know what?

00:44:44.000 I don't want it either, but I eat meat, and I love it.

00:44:47.000 I had a juicy, fat fucking steak last night.

00:44:49.000 It was delicious.

00:44:50.000 I had a juicy one for fucking breakfast.

00:44:51.000 I love meat, man.

00:44:52.000 I love it.

00:44:53.000 I think it's a part of being a human being.

00:44:55.000 I love pussy, but you don't see me shooting no bitches.

00:44:57.000 But I don't think it has to.

00:44:57.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:44:58.000 I love pussy, but you don't see me shooting a bitch in the head.

00:45:00.000 I like your logic, cocksucker and soccer.

00:45:02.000 Even though I would love it.

00:45:04.000 I just don't want to shoot an animal.

00:45:05.000 I know you don't want to.

00:45:07.000 I know you don't want to.

00:45:08.000 I know you don't want to, and I respect that.

00:45:10.000 I think there's nothing wrong with that.

00:45:12.000 I love you guys.

00:45:13.000 I don't want you shooting Eddie and vice versa.

00:45:15.000 I don't think that because you eat meat, I don't buy the argument that you should have to shoot an animal.

00:45:19.000 I don't buy that.

00:45:20.000 I think we've allowed ourselves to somehow or another be removed from the process of murdering, slaughtering, and butchering the animal, and we just enjoy the meat, which is kind of crazy, if you really think about it.

00:45:30.000 So I just want to, for my own personal edification, I just want to go and experience it.

00:45:35.000 I want you to go.

00:45:36.000 Why can't we get a cow and shoot a fucker in your backyard?

00:45:39.000 Well, you know, you could.

00:45:40.000 My gardener got in trouble for killing a goat in his backyard.

00:45:43.000 What'd they do to him?

00:45:44.000 They got mad at him.

00:45:45.000 They were going to evict him from the house.

00:45:46.000 And he's like, I don't get it.

00:45:47.000 He goes, I could cook, right, in my backyard.

00:45:50.000 He goes, why can't I kill a goat?

00:45:53.000 He was like, this way you know it's not diseased.

00:45:55.000 It's safe.

00:45:56.000 It's like the safest thing.

00:45:56.000 To him, it was like so normal.

00:45:59.000 It is normal.

00:46:00.000 I mean, why can't he kill it?

00:46:01.000 How come he can cook it?

00:46:03.000 He could be outside with a side of beef, sawing off chunks.

00:46:06.000 Nobody would say a word.

00:46:07.000 They would say, wow, that's a big piece of beef you got there.

00:46:09.000 But if you actually killed the cow and started sawing the beef, he would get in big trouble.

00:46:13.000 And I understand it's because you've got to get rid of the guts.

00:46:15.000 It's gross, dude.

00:46:16.000 It is gross.

00:46:17.000 Yeah, someone ratted him out.

00:46:18.000 He's a Spanish person.

00:46:20.000 Yeah, he's Mexican.

00:46:20.000 He's a Spanish dispense.

00:46:21.000 Sure, we don't give a fuck.

00:46:23.000 They kill pigs.

00:46:24.000 I mean, the way he was talking about it, it's like, this is silly.

00:46:26.000 Like, come on.

00:46:27.000 I want to make sure my meat is good, you know?

00:46:29.000 I know the animal's not diseased.

00:46:31.000 When I was a kid in Miami, my uncle would get the pigs, bring them up, feed them for a couple weeks, and then fucking kill them while we were there.

00:46:38.000 Horrible.

00:46:38.000 I stopped eating pork for a while because I saw that movie, My Brother's Keeper.

00:46:42.000 Did you ever see that?

00:46:42.000 No, I heard about it.

00:46:43.000 It's a documentary about these guys that were kind of slow and one of them, I think, got accused of murder or something like that.

00:46:48.000 But anyway, in the documentary, they live on a farm, I believe in upstate New York, I forget.

00:46:53.000 And the guy went to kill one of the pigs and he pulls out the shotgun.

00:46:57.000 And the pig starts running.

00:46:59.000 That pig knows what the fuck is going down.

00:47:01.000 Pigs are smart.

00:47:02.000 They're like smarter than dogs.

00:47:03.000 So when this pig sees that shotgun, he just starts fucking running and squealing and scrambling.

00:47:08.000 The guy's chasing after him, finally gets the gun to his head and blows his brains out.

00:47:11.000 But like while before it happens, that pig is in utter sheer terror.

00:47:15.000 I thought about that.

00:47:16.000 I'm like, man, I don't think I want to experience that.

00:47:18.000 Why am I eating pigs?

00:47:20.000 When was the last time I ate bacon?

00:47:21.000 I ate it all the time.

00:47:23.000 I gave up.

00:47:24.000 It didn't last very long.

00:47:25.000 But for a while, I was like, cows are dumb.

00:47:28.000 Fuck them.

00:47:28.000 They're stupid.

00:47:29.000 But really, the shit that you're supposed to eat, I think, is the smart shit.

00:47:32.000 I think you're supposed to eat fish.

00:47:33.000 Not smart, but difficult to catch.

00:47:35.000 Fish and game.

00:47:36.000 Those are hard to catch.

00:47:38.000 Cows and pigs are just sitting there laying around.

00:47:40.000 That's probably not the best for you.

00:47:42.000 I appreciate your argument, and I know when I eat a piece of meat that some cow's hanging upside down with a fucking thing in his neck.

00:47:48.000 I don't see it.

00:47:49.000 I don't want to think about it.

00:47:50.000 But by me going hunting, which I really couldn't do anyway, it would just make my life...

00:47:55.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:56.000 I don't even like venison.

00:47:57.000 I don't like none of that shit.

00:47:58.000 I eat veal scallopini if this fucking Italian makes it to me in the East Coast.

00:48:02.000 I can't eat veal.

00:48:03.000 I'm sitting like a motherfucker.

00:48:04.000 And I eat it and I make believe I don't even know what the fuck I'm eating.

00:48:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:48:09.000 It's like eating pussy when you're coked up and drunk.

00:48:11.000 I can't.

00:48:11.000 And that's it, guys.

00:48:13.000 I eat meat because of my necessities and stuff.

00:48:15.000 Fish, you know.

00:48:17.000 Chicken I eat.

00:48:18.000 And even though I know they're nasty and they piss all over their fucking legs, I still fucking eat chicken.

00:48:22.000 I won't go to Popeye's chicken, but I eat chicken.

00:48:24.000 Popeye's is delicious.

00:48:25.000 Yeah, I know.

00:48:26.000 Spicy chicken with rice and beans?

00:48:27.000 Yeah, next time you get a breast from fucking Popeye's, take the skin off it and see the foot.

00:48:31.000 You can see the indentations of the toe.

00:48:33.000 They cut the foot in half and see what the fuck's in there.

00:48:36.000 You'll never eat Popeye's again.

00:48:37.000 You understand me?

00:48:38.000 I got that surprise in my life.

00:48:39.000 These opinions are purely those of Joey Diaz's.

00:48:42.000 These opinions are true.

00:48:42.000 I know all about mafia meat and all that shit.

00:48:44.000 The Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

00:48:46.000 This is all Joey's opinions.

00:48:47.000 I, for one, am a huge fan of the Popeye's chicken.

00:48:50.000 I love it.

00:48:51.000 I wish to avoid litigation.

00:48:53.000 All right.

00:48:53.000 What about you, Tarzan?

00:48:54.000 You like Popeye's chicken?

00:48:55.000 I like El Pollo Loco's new chicken jalapeno sandwich.

00:48:58.000 Is it good?

00:48:58.000 I'm addicted to that motherfucker.

00:49:00.000 Really?

00:49:00.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:01.000 I'm telling you, man.

00:49:02.000 El Pollo Loco jalapeno chicken sandwich.

00:49:05.000 They just came out with the bread.

00:49:07.000 They did something to the bread.

00:49:08.000 The Mexicans in the back.

00:49:09.000 They soaked that shit in something.

00:49:11.000 It's like a McGriddle chicken sandwich.

00:49:13.000 It's so good.

00:49:14.000 Talking to Mexicans, I got to give Mexicans props this week because I have encountered something I've never encountered in my life.

00:49:19.000 I moved into North Hollywood, the coolest neighborhood I've lived in in California, and we actually have a Mexican ice cream man.

00:49:26.000 You don't know what life is until you have a Mexican ice cream man.

00:49:29.000 There's no schedule.

00:49:31.000 Some days he shows up at 10, some days at 6, some days he got ice cream.

00:49:35.000 Last week he showed up at 11.15 while I was watching the UFC on a Saturday night.

00:49:39.000 Terry's like, do you hear the fuck?

00:49:40.000 And I wish I was joking with you guys.

00:49:42.000 This motherfucker comes at 11 o'clock.

00:49:44.000 Bing!

00:49:45.000 Bing!

00:49:45.000 You go out there, the best soft-serve ice cream I've ever had out here.

00:49:48.000 Better than Dairy Queen, all that shit.

00:49:50.000 Tremendous.

00:49:51.000 He had shoes on there last week.

00:49:53.000 He was selling shoes.

00:49:54.000 He's got popcorn.

00:49:55.000 I'm not fucking thinking.

00:49:56.000 That's hilarious.

00:49:57.000 As long as you keep moving, I guess he's got a mobile store.

00:50:00.000 He doesn't have to pay for space or anything.

00:50:02.000 I love the ice cream soft-serve.

00:50:04.000 He dips it like the thing, like Dairy Queen.

00:50:06.000 You just hear a bell?

00:50:07.000 Bell school?

00:50:08.000 Is it a truck with a motor?

00:50:10.000 A fucking huge truck, like Mr. Softy in the East Coast when I was a kid.

00:50:14.000 Oh, so it's an ice cream man.

00:50:15.000 No music, no nothing.

00:50:16.000 Like, I've seen an ice cream man downtown that just goes, and he just talks in Spanish, and everybody flocks out.

00:50:22.000 Most of them push like a car.

00:50:24.000 Yeah, I see those guys.

00:50:25.000 Your dude's in a truck.

00:50:26.000 This motherfucker has a truck that has a bell.

00:50:28.000 Bing!

00:50:29.000 When you hear that shit, people just come out?

00:50:31.000 They lose their mind.

00:50:32.000 The ice cream is fucking delicious.

00:50:33.000 What a great idea the ice cream truck is.

00:50:35.000 That's one of the greatest ideas ever.

00:50:38.000 It's not that huge.

00:50:39.000 It's not that huge, though.

00:50:41.000 You only see them in poor neighborhoods, right?

00:50:44.000 You don't see them in nice neighborhoods.

00:50:45.000 It's hard to trust those motherfuckers.

00:50:47.000 Some dude just selling you some shit on the street out of his truck.

00:50:50.000 That's not good.

00:50:51.000 Hey, I grew up on Mr. Softy.

00:50:52.000 That shit was delicious.

00:50:53.000 How weird is that?

00:50:54.000 You can't just...

00:50:55.000 What are the laws?

00:50:57.000 You just...

00:50:58.000 You got ice cream truck laws?

00:51:00.000 No, yeah, you have to have a license.

00:51:01.000 You can't just do that.

00:51:02.000 You have to have some sort of a merchant's license.

00:51:04.000 You got to have a kitchen.

00:51:05.000 It must be really hard because we would see more ice cream trucks in rich neighborhoods, but we really don't.

00:51:10.000 How do people want to buy it, man?

00:51:11.000 Rich neighborhoods?

00:51:12.000 You know, you can't be going through Beverly Hills in an ice cream truck.

00:51:15.000 Why not?

00:51:15.000 Because people think you're probably trying to rob them.

00:51:17.000 You know what?

00:51:18.000 You know what it is?

00:51:19.000 You know, the main thing is they know in the rich neighborhoods the kids just can't come out.

00:51:23.000 Yeah.

00:51:24.000 They can't get to them.

00:51:24.000 And the poor neighbors, the kids are out in the fucking streets at three and four.

00:51:28.000 They're like, the kids are like fucking stray dogs in poor neighborhoods, right?

00:51:33.000 Dude, when I was living with my grandfather in Newark, when I was living with my grandfather in Newark, they would be playing stickball in the middle of the street.

00:51:41.000 You would have to stop and whatever they'd be playing.

00:51:44.000 They'd be playing soccer in the middle of the street.

00:51:46.000 They'd be playing, like, right, there's mostly Puerto Ricans and Dominicans and stuff in Newark.

00:51:50.000 And you would literally have to stop your car and Wait in order to get through to where you wanted to go.

00:51:55.000 Oh, totally.

00:51:56.000 Cars coming.

00:51:56.000 Everybody would stop their game for a second.

00:51:58.000 We did that all the time.

00:51:59.000 The car would drive by and they'd restart the game.

00:52:00.000 Every goddamn day playing football on the street.

00:52:02.000 Playing in the street with cars.

00:52:03.000 That was the story of my life.

00:52:05.000 Bunch of poor fucking Mexican kids.

00:52:07.000 No one had a dad.

00:52:09.000 90% of all the kids, we were like fucking the little rascals, dude, on my fucking block.

00:52:13.000 It was a couple guys.

00:52:15.000 I was like 10 and 11. Once my stepdad left at 10, I was gone.

00:52:19.000 I was on the streets.

00:52:20.000 My mom couldn't control me and my brother.

00:52:23.000 Stepdad could.

00:52:23.000 But once I was 10, we were on the fucking streets.

00:52:25.000 It was like two, three dudes at 10, my brother at 14 and 15, and then we had some 18, 19-year-olds and some 20, and we were all Mixed in, playing football, organizing shit.

00:52:35.000 We're always on the street playing basketball games, a bunch of Mexicans, and we're all into rock.

00:52:40.000 Eric was into Rush.

00:52:41.000 No one had a dad.

00:52:42.000 Everyone's dad was gone except for Onorio.

00:52:45.000 But fuck, man.

00:52:47.000 What was I playing?

00:52:47.000 I did it with Irish.

00:52:48.000 Oh, ice cream truck.

00:52:49.000 Oh, ice cream truck.

00:52:50.000 Oh, that was part of our life.

00:52:52.000 Playing football on the fucking street.

00:52:55.000 And ice cream truck coming by.

00:52:57.000 That was...

00:52:57.000 I came from an Irish-Italian neighborhood and we played fucking everything on the street.

00:53:02.000 From stickball to football.

00:53:04.000 And then when their leaves came down, that's when you played two-hand touch.

00:53:07.000 And then when we put the bricks...

00:53:08.000 We put the bricks in the middle of the street and you pile the leaves on top of it.

00:53:11.000 And some dickhead's driving with his car.

00:53:13.000 Oh, my God.

00:53:14.000 And he hit the front car.

00:53:15.000 We were fucking animals there.

00:53:16.000 When I lived in Jamaica Plain, when we first moved to Boston, we moved to a bad neighborhood.

00:53:20.000 We moved to this place, Jamaica Plain.

00:53:22.000 And it was...

00:53:22.000 One of those streets where you would, on the street, there was like, you know, maybe 15, 20 kids that would live on the street, and they would be hanging out in the middle of the street all night.

00:53:31.000 It was like 3 o'clock in the morning, and you'd be like watching TV. They'd be like 10 feet in front of your window screaming at each other, yelling, drinking beer, throwing shit.

00:53:40.000 Oh, shit.

00:53:41.000 Summer nights, dude, nobody went to bed.

00:53:42.000 Nobody went to bed.

00:53:43.000 When there was a blizzard, everybody was out in the street fucking riding, taking sleds, taking sled rides down the hill.

00:53:51.000 It was crazy.

00:53:52.000 My mom couldn't control us.

00:53:54.000 We had a thing called bombing.

00:53:56.000 Whenever we'd get together late at night, we'd get in camo, climb lemon trees, fill backpacks with lemons, and then we'd climb in other trees, and we'd be all camouflaged in a tree, and when the cars would come by, fucking throw lemons at them, and then they would stop.

00:54:09.000 Dude would come out and we'd be hiding in the fucking trees, man.

00:54:12.000 And they would never find us.

00:54:14.000 We were all camouflaged.

00:54:15.000 We love camouflage.

00:54:16.000 But we would practice jumping fences and escape routes.

00:54:19.000 We knew everybody's backyard and everyone's fence.

00:54:21.000 We would practice.

00:54:22.000 So we got chased, too.

00:54:24.000 Cops would even come by.

00:54:26.000 Cops chased us, but they couldn't catch us.

00:54:27.000 We're gone in the backyard through the fences.

00:54:29.000 We were going through this.

00:54:30.000 You know, I had this conversation with Brian Callen yesterday.

00:54:32.000 I'm going to have it again with you guys, too, because...

00:54:34.000 We're all the same in the three of us that we were kind of like left to our own devices.

00:54:39.000 Do you think that that's...

00:54:41.000 I think every interesting person that I know, almost all of them were not raised by their parents.

00:54:47.000 They were all raised like wild dogs.

00:54:49.000 They all figured out their way through the world.

00:54:51.000 They may have a good relationship with their mother, but they don't really see her that often.

00:54:54.000 She didn't really teach them things.

00:54:55.000 They kind of figured things out on their own.

00:54:57.000 I for sure did, man.

00:54:58.000 Me and my brother were on the streets.

00:55:00.000 My mom just had to work all the time.

00:55:02.000 She worked all the goddamn time.

00:55:03.000 If you had a really cool dad who was a Christian, who was a real Republican but super nice guy, you could have thought like that.

00:55:14.000 If your dad raised you like that and brought you along like that?

00:55:17.000 Who knows?

00:55:17.000 You could have.

00:55:18.000 Who knows?

00:55:18.000 I don't know.

00:55:19.000 It would have been different.

00:55:20.000 My life would have been different.

00:55:21.000 Your brain gets programmed, right?

00:55:22.000 Your brain gets programmed by the people that are around you, especially your influences and your teachers.

00:55:26.000 And your father, of course, is going to be the biggest teacher in your life.

00:55:29.000 If your father was a really nice guy and a sweet guy and a fun guy and a loving father and a Christian and really gung-ho, rah-rah Republican, the United States would never do a bad thing to us, you could be sucked into that way of thinking.

00:55:44.000 Don't you think?

00:55:44.000 No.

00:55:45.000 You don't think so?

00:55:46.000 You don't think so because you're you, and you grew up wild.

00:55:50.000 You grew up, your parents died young, you were really on your own in a lot of ways.

00:55:54.000 I mean, you were taken in by people's generosity, like your friends and families.

00:55:59.000 Yeah, but I had a mom until 14, and it's weird because...

00:56:02.000 See what I'm saying?

00:56:03.000 That's young.

00:56:03.000 14 is very young.

00:56:05.000 My mom was pro-American, dog.

00:56:07.000 Right.

00:56:07.000 Here she was, had a bookmaking bank, was involved in heroin.

00:56:11.000 Right, but I'm saying it's very difficult to look at the world like this is how you developed.

00:56:15.000 It's very difficult to step back and say, okay, how much of who I am is my environment?

00:56:22.000 I'll tell you what, when I was a kid, I didn't buy into the Boy Scouts.

00:56:25.000 I didn't buy into none of that shit.

00:56:27.000 I never bought into clubs.

00:56:28.000 I never bought into none of that shit.

00:56:29.000 Well, you grew up very streetwise.

00:56:31.000 What?

00:56:32.000 You've got some stories about your stepfather.

00:56:35.000 Right.

00:56:35.000 But up to the age of 10, I wanted to be a white kid, an American kid.

00:56:38.000 I came here from another country.

00:56:40.000 I grew up on Dick Van Dyke.

00:56:41.000 So did you feel insecure?

00:56:42.000 I wanted to.

00:56:43.000 To this day, I'm insecure about it.

00:56:44.000 Really?

00:56:45.000 About being Cuban?

00:56:46.000 No, I'm not about being Cuban, but my big thing was to be an American.

00:56:49.000 My mother came here for me to be an American.

00:56:51.000 Everybody wants to be everybody else.

00:56:53.000 There's white kids who want to be black, black kids who want to be white.

00:56:55.000 No, no, no, no.

00:56:55.000 When I came to this country, my mom stressed that we came here for you to be an American.

00:57:00.000 One time on a bus, some kids were talking in Spanish, and they wanted to beat the teacher up because the guy threw them off the fucking bus and made them walk home.

00:57:07.000 And I walked in the house, and I told my mom.

00:57:09.000 My mom's like, I don't know what you're upset about.

00:57:10.000 This is America.

00:57:12.000 You came here to do this.

00:57:13.000 My mom raised me to be an American, and I seen some of the shit I bought into it.

00:57:18.000 I'm hearing a song in the background right now.

00:57:21.000 And some of the shit I didn't buy into.

00:57:24.000 It's just the way it happens.

00:57:25.000 I never bought into a lot of that shit.

00:57:27.000 I'm allowed to vote now.

00:57:28.000 I haven't had a felony in 15 years.

00:57:31.000 You can vote now?

00:57:31.000 I can vote now, but I don't want to vote.

00:57:32.000 That's what happens?

00:57:33.000 It's a 15 year break off?

00:57:34.000 Yeah, it's 10 years.

00:57:35.000 But I don't want to vote because what were my choices last year?

00:57:38.000 Palin, the old guy, and Obama.

00:57:39.000 All three of them were bad choices.

00:57:41.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:44.000 So part of me is in, the other part of me isn't.

00:57:46.000 Okay, what happened?

00:57:50.000 Didn't you have someone hostage?

00:57:51.000 Can you talk about that?

00:57:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:53.000 In 1987, I was 27 years old, whatever.

00:57:57.000 I was working in Boulder.

00:57:58.000 I was going to school at night, and I was snorting coke with three hands.

00:58:02.000 And I fucking got involved with some kid, and he was going to rob his roommate, and ended up robbing them, both of them.

00:58:09.000 And then the guy that I had as a partner was going to rob me.

00:58:12.000 What a tangled web we weave when we tangled to deceive.

00:58:15.000 And it just so happens that the guy got caught.

00:58:18.000 Like, I told him the guy I didn't want nothing to do with it, even though I had the coke with me.

00:58:21.000 I sent the coke to Aspen, but the other guy, the guy that tried to rob me, he ended up getting pulled over with the guy we kidnapped in the trunk of his car, all fucking bandled up and shit.

00:58:30.000 So I got arrested for the kidnap, kidnapping too and everything, but you know what?

00:58:34.000 I fucked up.

00:58:35.000 It wasn't because I fucked up.

00:58:37.000 It wasn't because of America.

00:58:38.000 Listen, bro, 10 to 7, I got a ticket this morning for $200.

00:58:43.000 10 to 7 this morning.

00:58:44.000 For what?

00:58:45.000 Both of you motherfuckers were sleeping.

00:58:46.000 I was going to Tai Chi at 7, so I had to drive there.

00:58:49.000 So my wife said, if you ever go to Tai Chi at 7, you might as well drop me off at the train station.

00:58:53.000 I usually walk her every morning to the train station.

00:58:55.000 But I drove her.

00:58:56.000 There was a lunch truck there.

00:58:57.000 I couldn't pull over, so I pulled by where she crosses the street.

00:59:01.000 When I made the right, when I made the left, there was a cop on me.

00:59:03.000 He goes, bro, the bus driver's complaining.

00:59:05.000 He goes, it's a $1,000 ticket.

00:59:07.000 I have to give you a $200 ticket for parking instead.

00:59:10.000 Is that okay?

00:59:11.000 And I took the ticket and I was not angry at him.

00:59:13.000 I went to Tai Chi.

00:59:13.000 I did my thing.

00:59:14.000 I didn't mention it.

00:59:15.000 He did his job.

00:59:16.000 This is America.

00:59:17.000 He did his fucking job.

00:59:18.000 You follow what I'm saying to you?

00:59:19.000 A lot of people got pissed off at this guy for pulling me over.

00:59:22.000 He did his fucking job.

00:59:24.000 You know, when I kidnapped that guy, I kidnapped him.

00:59:26.000 I did that.

00:59:27.000 I got four years.

00:59:28.000 I got it all fucking easy.

00:59:29.000 They should have thrown me in there for ten fucking years.

00:59:32.000 But people don't really see him.

00:59:33.000 How much time did you actually do?

00:59:35.000 18 months, 16 months?

00:59:37.000 That's a long time.

00:59:37.000 But it cost me two years of my life.

00:59:39.000 You don't know what your life, how precious it is.

00:59:41.000 Was it horrible?

00:59:41.000 No, it wasn't horrible.

00:59:42.000 I could do it standing on my head.

00:59:44.000 But the only people that suck.

00:59:46.000 I could do that time standing on my head.

00:59:48.000 Listen, when you do time, bro, and you do time, guys like you, it's just another day in paradise.

00:59:53.000 They're going to take us to a place where we get the bullshit about jiu-jitsu instead of two hours a day, eight hours a day.

00:59:57.000 You follow me and you eat and whatever.

00:59:59.000 Your freedom gets lost, which sucks.

01:00:01.000 But it's the people at home.

01:00:03.000 It's not you or whatever.

01:00:04.000 I can do whatever the fuck.

01:00:05.000 Bro, my genes are from Cuba, motherfucker.

01:00:07.000 Tell me about...

01:00:08.000 I smoked the weed Castro smoked before he went to the mountains to take over.

01:00:11.000 You understand me?

01:00:12.000 Now, what was a typical day in prison like for you?

01:00:15.000 Like, at that six months.

01:00:16.000 You're in there six months.

01:00:18.000 What's a typical day?

01:00:19.000 Living like a doctor.

01:00:20.000 You liked it?

01:00:21.000 Bro, you gotta remember, I went to prison for four years.

01:00:24.000 I got sentenced, but guess what I became?

01:00:26.000 I became a stand-up comic.

01:00:27.000 I learned how to do stand-up comics in prison.

01:00:29.000 What?

01:00:31.000 I didn't even know that.

01:00:32.000 Dog, they used to have movie night on Thursday night.

01:00:34.000 So the projector would always fuck up like Ustream.

01:00:37.000 It would always fuck up.

01:00:38.000 Joey, talk in the microphone.

01:00:39.000 It would always fuck up.

01:00:40.000 So on Thursdays, the people just jokingly, I would always go, what the fuck is wrong with the projector?

01:00:45.000 And everybody would say, Cuba, get up there and talk.

01:00:48.000 So I would go up there on Thursday nights.

01:00:49.000 It was 200 people.

01:00:51.000 And like 100 of them were black.

01:00:52.000 So they'd go, Cuba, go up there and talk.

01:00:54.000 And I would make fun of the black guys.

01:00:55.000 What would you say?

01:00:57.000 We'd make fun of the kitchen.

01:01:00.000 This is the beginning of your stand-up career.

01:01:02.000 What'd you say?

01:01:04.000 That's how the movie starts.

01:01:06.000 I fucking, the first day in prison, they made me a baker.

01:01:09.000 You know, you don't tell people what you want.

01:01:10.000 It's like Cuba.

01:01:11.000 Like, yeah, on the outside, I was a mechanic.

01:01:13.000 Really?

01:01:13.000 Well, in here, you're a baker.

01:01:14.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:01:15.000 Here's a book.

01:01:16.000 Learn how to make bagels.

01:01:17.000 And I made these cinnamon rolls, dog, that almost blew up the kitchen, right?

01:01:21.000 These motherfuckers were big.

01:01:22.000 So that afternoon, they fired me as a baker.

01:01:24.000 And they made me a fucking dishwasher and a stockroom clerk, right?

01:01:28.000 So I was a dishwasher and a stockroom clerk.

01:01:31.000 And whenever they had shitty meals, the guys I knew when they were going through the line, I would yell, Don't do it!

01:01:40.000 So I would go, don't do it.

01:01:41.000 How often were the meals bad?

01:01:43.000 Three times a week.

01:01:44.000 But it didn't matter because at lunchtime I was allowed to go to the store for 15 minutes.

01:01:48.000 I worked it out where I had to drive to take garbage out so I would go to the store for 15 minutes.

01:01:52.000 Not only that, I would call in my owner at the Chinese restaurant so it would be ready by the time I got there.

01:01:57.000 So I would go back to the prison with Chinese food and groceries.

01:02:00.000 That's how strong I was in there.

01:02:02.000 Plus, I didn't fuck around in there.

01:02:04.000 Plus, they were doing steroids and selling drugs.

01:02:06.000 In prison?

01:02:07.000 Please!

01:02:07.000 Like a motherfucker!

01:02:09.000 So I was in the stockroom clerk, so they had to pay me rent.

01:02:12.000 Because they never inspected the stockroom.

01:02:14.000 So you stocked the roids?

01:02:15.000 I would say to you, yeah, I'll hold your roids, but you've got to give me three dollars.

01:02:17.000 You've got to give me three dollars.

01:02:23.000 You gotta give me some cigarettes.

01:02:24.000 So I had roids, cigarettes.

01:02:26.000 I had pills in there.

01:02:27.000 They weren't mine.

01:02:28.000 They just belonged to other people, but you put them under pallets.

01:02:31.000 So I would give them a key whenever they needed to go take shit out of it.

01:02:33.000 So you were the connection?

01:02:35.000 No, I was the holder.

01:02:37.000 How did they get the steroids in?

01:02:38.000 Somebody had to put it up their ass?

01:02:39.000 Yeah, whatever.

01:02:40.000 I don't know.

01:02:41.000 I never asked.

01:02:42.000 Can you imagine shooting a steroid in your body?

01:02:45.000 How do they smuggle it in again?

01:02:46.000 Up their ass.

01:02:47.000 And then they put it where?

01:02:49.000 They're contact visits.

01:02:51.000 Right.

01:02:51.000 What you do is you take your fucking kid and you fill his pockets with the yum yum.

01:02:55.000 And while you're making out with your husband, you say, you want to see the kid?

01:02:58.000 You pass the kid to the husband and he takes the drugs out.

01:03:00.000 Then he gives you back the ugly kid.

01:03:02.000 That makes me sorry.

01:03:05.000 That's how Henry Hill did it.

01:03:06.000 That's how they do it.

01:03:07.000 Same shit.

01:03:08.000 Bro, there's more drugs on the inside than the ones on the outside.

01:03:11.000 And to boot, this was a minimum security camp.

01:03:14.000 We had contact visits.

01:03:16.000 When you have a contact visit, there's parties every night.

01:03:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:03:22.000 These motherfuckers.

01:03:22.000 That's the first time I did it.

01:03:23.000 No, it was like the second time I did heroin.

01:03:25.000 And I couldn't do a needle.

01:03:27.000 So the Mexicans took a Mexican thing of heroin, melted it.

01:03:30.000 I had to put like a funnel in my nose made out of paper and they dripped it in my nose.

01:03:34.000 And I got up and I had like candle wick burning out of my nose.

01:03:37.000 What the fuck is this?

01:03:38.000 They're like, that's heroin, man.

01:03:40.000 Be cool.

01:03:40.000 I was like this for like a day.

01:03:43.000 And then the white dudes, the bikers would give me speed.

01:03:45.000 And they would play basketball all fucking night on speed.

01:03:48.000 The I'd be out there with them huffing and puffing.

01:03:54.000 Every week was a new adventure.

01:03:56.000 I did every drug.

01:03:58.000 But the drug of every...

01:04:00.000 You had a great time in college!

01:04:03.000 I was out there fucking...

01:04:08.000 That's a movie.

01:04:10.000 Minimal security prison where everyone's partying and it's just the greatest time ever.

01:04:15.000 When you get released, it's like terrible.

01:04:21.000 Then I went to the halfway house, which was even better.

01:04:23.000 You gotta talk in the mic.

01:04:24.000 People keep complaining about the sound.

01:04:26.000 When I go to the halfway house, it was even better because I started loaning money out to the Invix.

01:04:30.000 As a loan shark.

01:04:31.000 Yeah, because they want to go out.

01:04:33.000 But if your rent's not paid on Thursday, you're not allowed for the weekend.

01:04:35.000 So the rent would be $65, so I'd give them $65 for $92.

01:04:39.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:04:40.000 Like, I'm going to give you $65, but you've got to give me $92 tomorrow.

01:04:43.000 And I had 10 guys on that row.

01:04:44.000 Bro, I was a fucking machine in there.

01:04:47.000 The biggest scam I had at the camp, the biggest scam I had was there was an old Italian dude from Brooklyn.

01:04:53.000 He was like a half a mobster and he had pool cards.

01:04:56.000 And he could only do one card a week.

01:04:57.000 He would make like 30 bucks.

01:04:59.000 And I went up to him and I go, bro, you have a problem with these cards.

01:05:02.000 I go, you're giving them to white guys.

01:05:03.000 You're not getting the black population.

01:05:05.000 You're not getting the fucking spics.

01:05:06.000 And he goes, I don't know.

01:05:06.000 They won't talk to me.

01:05:07.000 I said, give me the fucking cards.

01:05:09.000 We're going to go partners.

01:05:10.000 He went from selling one card every Monday to doing 10 with me.

01:05:13.000 Because I had the brothers, I had the youngs, I had the Puerto Ricans, I had the whites, I had everybody.

01:05:18.000 And it was amazing.

01:05:19.000 That's why I really learned that I could really fucking do this.

01:05:22.000 So on Thursday nights, they would say, Cuba, fuck the movie.

01:05:24.000 Just go up there and talk about the kitchen.

01:05:26.000 And all the yams would yell, don't do it!

01:05:30.000 It was hysterical!

01:05:31.000 It was fucking hysterical!

01:05:33.000 And I would just talk about that.

01:05:34.000 And then I had this one crazy black guy.

01:05:36.000 This guy was Anton Spencer.

01:05:38.000 His name was Spencer Antoine from New Orleans.

01:05:40.000 And he was crazy.

01:05:42.000 And he told me that he was in there for eight years for involuntary manslaughter.

01:05:45.000 And he was my mentor.

01:05:47.000 That was my dog, Jack.

01:05:48.000 He was fucking nuts.

01:05:49.000 And he would tell me about, like one day some guy nailed him $2.

01:05:52.000 And he comes to the kitchen.

01:05:53.000 He goes, did you see that guy?

01:05:54.000 And I go, no, I think he's packing and leaving.

01:05:56.000 This motherfucker went and got a knife.

01:05:58.000 He got him at the gate.

01:05:59.000 The guy was getting out of jail.

01:06:01.000 He's like, motherfucker, you better give him my $2.

01:06:02.000 Ah!

01:06:03.000 I was blown away!

01:06:04.000 I'm like, this guy was old.

01:06:05.000 And his parents and family had money.

01:06:07.000 They had the best attorney for him.

01:06:09.000 Bro, this guy killed somebody with his hands.

01:06:11.000 And he got eight years.

01:06:13.000 Beat a black guy in L.A., downtown L.A., because I was in a federal place.

01:06:18.000 He beat him with his fucking hands and got eight years.

01:06:21.000 And he did four for involuntary manslaughter.

01:06:24.000 He had like $50,000 attorneys.

01:06:26.000 But he had a knife.

01:06:27.000 He had a gold tooth in his mouth.

01:06:29.000 He was one of those brothers and shit that his eyes would go crazy.

01:06:32.000 Why do you think the gold tooth thing really caught on the black community?

01:06:35.000 Because it's fucking...

01:06:36.000 It's like a pubic hair in your mouth, you know what I'm saying?

01:06:40.000 It's all about blinging, you know what I mean?

01:06:42.000 Like teeth?

01:06:43.000 Yeah, because people look directly at your face, so you want to catch your attention, that's why you got the necklace, that's why you got the watch, but nothing beats the fucking tooth.

01:06:52.000 Next, you know, that's why they bling the glasses out too, and it's like...

01:06:55.000 Yeah, but that never caught on with the white community.

01:06:57.000 That's where white people drew the line.

01:06:59.000 Stop!

01:06:59.000 We can't join you on this one.

01:07:03.000 You know, white people can't join you on this one.

01:07:04.000 Mayhem?

01:07:05.000 What about mayhem?

01:07:06.000 Mayhem wears it as a goof.

01:07:07.000 He's a character.

01:07:08.000 In real life, mayhem ain't walking around with a grill on.

01:07:12.000 He does it like part of it is to be silly to be mayhem.

01:07:15.000 But it's not like he wants to be wearing an iced-out grill like fucking Lil Wayne or something.

01:07:20.000 I don't know.

01:07:21.000 I think he really likes it.

01:07:22.000 Okay.

01:07:23.000 If that is the case, if Mayhem does, that's one.

01:07:26.000 Out of like, you know, how many wiggers are there out there?

01:07:30.000 Hey.

01:07:30.000 A big number.

01:07:31.000 It's a giant number.

01:07:32.000 And they're not out there.

01:07:33.000 I'll tell you what.

01:07:34.000 Paul Wall, right?

01:07:35.000 He's a white guy.

01:07:36.000 He's got a grill.

01:07:37.000 Right?

01:07:37.000 But there's not, you know.

01:07:38.000 One thing about white guys that wish they were black, they have all one thing in common.

01:07:43.000 They will deny.

01:07:45.000 That they would rather be black than white.

01:07:47.000 They'll deny that shit, no matter what.

01:07:50.000 Yeah, you can...

01:07:50.000 No, I'm happy to be myself, you know what I'm saying?

01:07:52.000 It's just a hip-hop culture thing.

01:07:53.000 It's just where I'm from.

01:07:54.000 It's a hip-hop culture thing, you know?

01:07:56.000 It's where I grew up.

01:07:57.000 I grew up like this, you know what I'm saying?

01:07:58.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:07:59.000 You know, it's all about the game, you know?

01:08:01.000 It's all about the hip-hop game.

01:08:03.000 Meanwhile, they got an oversized NBA jersey.

01:08:05.000 Meanwhile, he's got red pubic hairs.

01:08:09.000 You can't talk like that if you get red pubic hair, son.

01:08:11.000 They try extra hard, you know?

01:08:13.000 White guys who want to be black, they have to try extra hard.

01:08:16.000 That's crazy, though, but to continue with Eddie, what I was telling you was that I went in there every Thursday, I get on stage, and then one day, this is fucked up, Joe Rogan, this is why I really dig you, because one day the guy in the library was like a nerdy dude.

01:08:30.000 The guy that ran the library.

01:08:32.000 And I was friends with him.

01:08:33.000 We did acid.

01:08:33.000 He was very into Nostradamus.

01:08:36.000 He was intelligent, but he had some problem or something.

01:08:39.000 He went to prison.

01:08:40.000 And the funny thing was that one day he came up to me in the jail.

01:08:42.000 And a notebook was a big thing.

01:08:44.000 And I was getting ready to get out.

01:08:46.000 And I never even thought about it.

01:08:47.000 He came up to me and he goes, hey, bro, I got your notebook.

01:08:50.000 And I go, what's the notebook for?

01:08:52.000 He goes, so when you get out, you can write some jokes.

01:08:54.000 He goes, every week you write jokes.

01:08:56.000 I never see the notebook.

01:08:57.000 And I looked at him, and I go, I don't even write.

01:08:59.000 And this motherfucker went nuts.

01:09:01.000 He goes, you don't write, and you go up there every week and do that?

01:09:05.000 He goes, when you get out of here, it was like an angel.

01:09:07.000 It was like an angel.

01:09:08.000 I never seen the guy again.

01:09:09.000 I never heard from him again.

01:09:10.000 He just goes, what I watch you do, you really need to write and get it together.

01:09:14.000 Because you have a gift.

01:09:16.000 Just pursue this.

01:09:17.000 And that guy never even talked to me.

01:09:18.000 Like, he never used to talk to me at all.

01:09:20.000 Just said it out of the blue.

01:09:21.000 Out of the blue.

01:09:22.000 Came up to me when they go, hey, I got your notebook.

01:09:24.000 The black guy, right?

01:09:25.000 No, a white guy.

01:09:26.000 A white, nerdy guy.

01:09:27.000 A different guy.

01:09:27.000 That was like a really nerdy guy that would always roll his own cigarette.

01:09:30.000 So some random guy came up to me and told you.

01:09:32.000 Random guy, bro.

01:09:32.000 He goes, you got talent.

01:09:33.000 Yeah.

01:09:33.000 Do you think that if you didn't go to prison, if you didn't have that experience of talking in front of those people, that you probably never would have done stand-up or would stand up something that was in the back of your head anyway?

01:09:43.000 It was in the back of my head.

01:09:44.000 The prison really...

01:09:46.000 Woke the animal up.

01:09:47.000 You thought about it before.

01:09:49.000 I had thought...

01:09:50.000 Because you had to be funny before prison, right?

01:09:52.000 Anybody who heard The Niggas Crazy by Richard Pryor, you had to think of it.

01:09:56.000 He pushed it so hard in that.

01:09:58.000 But before prison, you were always in the life of the party.

01:10:01.000 Yeah, I was always good at the deli.

01:10:03.000 You loved telling stories.

01:10:04.000 Yeah, I was always good with that shit.

01:10:06.000 And then the thing that really got me was when you go to prison, they do a diagnostic on you.

01:10:10.000 I'd like to get an attorney now.

01:10:12.000 That's the only thing that irks me about my life.

01:10:14.000 A lot of times, people say, oh, I slept with this guy.

01:10:17.000 With me, I always wanted to know it was on that paperwork because it was an intense psychological evaluation.

01:10:23.000 It just wasn't a guy with a piece of paper saying, what do you think when you see a star?

01:10:27.000 They put shit in my head, electrodes, and all this shit.

01:10:30.000 It was three days of mental testing, and it was eating me alive.

01:10:33.000 I wanted to know.

01:10:34.000 I kept asking the counselor.

01:10:35.000 Who was from Mississippi.

01:10:36.000 He hated black people.

01:10:37.000 He hated spics.

01:10:38.000 He told me to my face.

01:10:39.000 My counselor told me.

01:10:40.000 He goes, I hate all you bug fuckers, spics and niggas.

01:10:44.000 I mean, that's how he goes.

01:10:45.000 That was my counselor.

01:10:46.000 And he said to me, he goes, I go, bro, his name is Mr. Blue.

01:10:49.000 I go, when are you going to fucking tell me what's on there?

01:10:51.000 And one day he's like, you really want me to tell you what's on here, bug fucker?

01:10:55.000 That's what he would call me to my face, bug fucker.

01:10:57.000 He goes, I'll tell you what's on here, Mr. Bug fucker.

01:10:59.000 It said that if you really wanted something and I had it, that you would take it from me.

01:11:04.000 He goes, now you do what the fuck you want with that.

01:11:06.000 And he threw me out of his office.

01:11:07.000 And I felt like a thief for three days.

01:11:09.000 That's what I read of that.

01:11:10.000 But what he was trying to tell me was that anything I wanted in my life, that's what it said.

01:11:15.000 That I could do.

01:11:16.000 Anything you want, dog, you could do.

01:11:17.000 Do it.

01:11:18.000 That's what he was saying.

01:11:19.000 That's what he was trying to beat around.

01:11:21.000 By calling you a bug fucker?

01:11:23.000 No, by saying what he said to me.

01:11:25.000 And a week later he came up to me and he goes, hey, did you understand where I was going with that?

01:11:28.000 He goes, you're a smart guy.

01:11:29.000 You're not one of these guys.

01:11:32.000 This is an experience for you.

01:11:34.000 Tell us about your first stand-up gig.

01:11:36.000 Do you remember it?

01:11:37.000 Yeah, I remember.

01:11:38.000 What made you go up that night?

01:11:40.000 Do you consider the ones in prison your first stand-up gigs?

01:11:43.000 I'm talking about first official at a club, like your first time you went up.

01:11:46.000 But I'm thinking that if you did it, how many times did you do it in prison?

01:11:50.000 You really were doing like open mic night.

01:11:52.000 I was doing every Thursday for about 90 days.

01:11:54.000 So you've done a bunch of times.

01:11:56.000 Did you have material planned out?

01:11:59.000 Did you have stuff that you repeated?

01:12:01.000 No.

01:12:01.000 What was the first club?

01:12:03.000 Can you imagine repeating a joke in front of those yams and shitting all those crazy, roped out Mexicans?

01:12:08.000 That's the first time I really knew about the whole heritage.

01:12:10.000 They would sneak in fucking green chili burritos.

01:12:13.000 Tremendous.

01:12:13.000 Really?

01:12:14.000 Who had the best tattoo artist?

01:12:16.000 Was it the Mexicans?

01:12:17.000 Mexicans.

01:12:17.000 Mexicans always have wild-ass fucking prison tattoos.

01:12:20.000 I was in jail with three generations of Mexicans at one time.

01:12:22.000 I was in jail with the grandfather, the Aiellas, the father, and the son.

01:12:27.000 That's really...

01:12:28.000 Once you start seeing that thing, you're like, wow!

01:12:31.000 That needs to be in a movie right now.

01:12:32.000 This is fucking crazy.

01:12:34.000 And I always wanted to shoot somebody and be a criminal.

01:12:36.000 I didn't...

01:12:38.000 I always thought about that my life deserved more than to spend it in here.

01:12:42.000 That's what prison did for me, bro.

01:12:44.000 If people come up to me and go, how bad was prison?

01:12:46.000 Prison is how bad you make it for me, for fucking me.

01:12:50.000 It opened my eyes.

01:12:51.000 I became a stand-up comic.

01:12:53.000 It just gave me that opportunity to see.

01:12:55.000 By the way, did you see the show about that dude that robbed millions?

01:12:58.000 What's that guy's name two years ago?

01:13:00.000 The guy that won a Wayne.

01:13:01.000 The Punzi Schemes.

01:13:03.000 If you get a chance, watch that on fucking MSNBC. What is this show on?

01:13:07.000 On Bernie Madoff?

01:13:08.000 Yes, where they took him to prison.

01:13:10.000 He's in North Carolina now.

01:13:12.000 He went right in there and teamed up with the fucking mob.

01:13:14.000 He paid people.

01:13:15.000 And he don't give a fuck, that guy, about people.

01:13:17.000 Well, you talked into...

01:13:19.000 Did people have to tell you that you were funny, that you should go on stage?

01:13:21.000 Did people tell you that you should do that?

01:13:23.000 Yeah, tell us about the first time on stage.

01:13:25.000 Or if you don't remember...

01:13:26.000 No, no, I remember everything.

01:13:27.000 I would consider the first time he was on stage...

01:13:29.000 Okay, the first time outside of prison.

01:13:32.000 Right.

01:13:33.000 Because my first time on stage was an open mic night, but before I went to the open mic night, it was the locker room.

01:13:38.000 Yeah, I understand that.

01:13:40.000 I like your first night officially as a comedian is an interesting one.

01:13:45.000 Let's hear yours.

01:13:46.000 But I'm so curious about yours.

01:13:48.000 The truth of the matter is, now that you get down with it, about a month ago, I got a call from a friend of mine and we were talking that I hadn't talked to.

01:13:56.000 I hooked up with him on Facebook and he said something to me.

01:13:58.000 He goes, bro, I knew on that bus ride home.

01:14:00.000 That you're always going to be an entertainer.

01:14:02.000 And I asked him, I go, what are you talking about?

01:14:04.000 He goes, do you remember after freshman basketball, you would get on the bus and fucking go off every night?

01:14:10.000 He goes, it got to the point where the bus drivers wouldn't pick you up anymore.

01:14:13.000 Because we used to go on and do the theme from The Odd Couple.

01:14:16.000 And then I would go into a fucking 20 minute skit all the way until we got to the thing.

01:14:21.000 And I even wrote a blog about it that...

01:14:23.000 After he told me that, I called a bunch of people from those days, and I go, bro, what did we used to do on the bus?

01:14:28.000 And they were like, you don't remember?

01:14:30.000 We used to take all the fucking buses, the number one bus, 90th Street to 38th Street.

01:14:34.000 We ran it, and you were the fucking host, an emcee.

01:14:37.000 And I'm like, wow!

01:14:38.000 And I started thinking, I'm like, that's right.

01:14:40.000 So if I really go to that, that was freshman year basketball.

01:14:43.000 Wow.

01:14:44.000 Where I used to light the buses up every time.

01:14:47.000 And they wouldn't fucking pick up.

01:14:48.000 And I remember that, like being out there for two different bus drivers, and they would pick you up because you guys are too fucking loud.

01:14:53.000 Wow, that's hilarious.

01:14:56.000 But then in school, you know, no one ever considers that maybe this guy should be a stand-up comedian.

01:15:00.000 They just go, we gotta silence him.

01:15:02.000 We gotta stop this.

01:15:03.000 We gotta teach some discipline to you.

01:15:06.000 The lack of discipline is really what makes someone a comic, though.

01:15:09.000 I wasn't a stand-up at all, like in that sense, like growing up, but I was always, every year, I was always, depending on the teacher I had, because junior high and high school you have like seven teachers, I was always the dude to start shit, play pranks, and always.

01:15:25.000 Unless the teacher was Mr. Enders, you never did shit, you just fucking, he was a bad motherfucker.

01:15:31.000 He goes, you want to act up, you want to talk?

01:15:32.000 We talked about this before on the podcast.

01:15:34.000 Who's Mr. Enders?

01:15:35.000 Mr. Enders, 10th grade, I think, geology, I don't remember.

01:15:43.000 There's no way to tell, you know, the funny thing about someone becoming a comic is there's no one who could have pulled you aside and said what you really need to do is become a comic.

01:15:51.000 It's like you almost have to experience all this resistance to your personality, to regular life.

01:15:56.000 Then that forces you into being a comic.

01:15:58.000 It's like if someone can't just come up to you and go, this is what you really need to do.

01:16:01.000 You really need to be a comic.

01:16:02.000 You need to go through all the bullshit in life to experience that before someone comes along and tells you.

01:16:08.000 How old were you when you first got on stage?

01:16:16.000 30?

01:16:17.000 29?

01:16:18.000 I was 21. It would have been better if I was 30. Because when I was 21, I didn't have shit to say.

01:16:23.000 I have no opinions about anything.

01:16:25.000 Can a 15-year-old stand-up comedian, because there's a lot of guys...

01:16:29.000 Yeah, they can be funny.

01:16:29.000 Can they be funny?

01:16:30.000 They can be funny if that's what they...

01:16:32.000 My problem was, when I was 21, my whole life, from 15 to 21...

01:16:37.000 It was all just taekwondo tournaments and kickboxing.

01:16:40.000 That's all I did.

01:16:40.000 That was 24 hours a day.

01:16:42.000 That was all I thought about.

01:16:43.000 I didn't really consider the world.

01:16:45.000 I didn't want to be a loser, and I wanted to be really good at taekwondo, and I wanted to win the nationals, and I wanted to compete in the Olympics.

01:16:50.000 I had all these ideas.

01:16:52.000 But I didn't know about fucking politics.

01:16:54.000 I had no clue as to what was going on in the world.

01:16:56.000 I didn't even think about it for a second.

01:16:58.000 All I thought about was this and getting laid.

01:17:00.000 That's all I thought about.

01:17:01.000 So when I started going into comedy, I literally had no opinions.

01:17:04.000 I know how to kick somebody in the head, and I know I like pussy.

01:17:08.000 Hmm.

01:17:09.000 It's all the jokes for pussy jokes.

01:17:11.000 My jokes were sex jokes for like the first year and a half.

01:17:13.000 That's all I wrote.

01:17:15.000 When I'm 21 years old, what the fuck kind of opinion did I have that was interesting on anything?

01:17:19.000 If I told you anything about anything other than sex or kicking somebody in the head, you would already know what I was going to say way in advance.

01:17:26.000 I didn't have enough life experience.

01:17:28.000 My life experience was very limited.

01:17:30.000 I hear that a lot, that people are too young to sing, maybe they don't have a lot of life experiences.

01:17:33.000 Well, when you're 30, the kind of comedy you do, where you look at you, look at you, you stupid fuck, you know, you do that kind of comedy, where you point some shit out.

01:17:41.000 Well, you can't point some shit out at 21. You're not seeing it.

01:17:43.000 People are not going to listen to me.

01:17:44.000 They're not going to listen to you unless you're some super genius, and even then it's probably not going to be funny.

01:17:50.000 You know?

01:17:52.000 I just, I wrestled with it for a while.

01:17:55.000 I was a roofer after I got locked up.

01:17:57.000 I roofed for one week.

01:17:58.000 I roofed for fucking two or three years.

01:18:00.000 I sold some cars.

01:18:01.000 I couldn't handle it.

01:18:02.000 I went to school, and then I was sick and tired of people telling me, try it.

01:18:06.000 And I was getting breakfast one morning, I opened up a paper, and there was a be a stand-up comedian class for $33, and I took it.

01:18:13.000 I was not funny at all.

01:18:14.000 I was not a funny person.

01:18:16.000 I wasn't funny until I started doing Taekwondo and we would fight and compete in tournaments and everybody would be nervous.

01:18:22.000 You'd be nervous even in the locker room when you're about to go work out.

01:18:24.000 Because somebody might just get kicked in the face and knocked out.

01:18:27.000 It happened all the time.

01:18:28.000 Guys got knocked out in class all the time they get kicked in the face.

01:18:31.000 And you would get fucking terrified.

01:18:33.000 And so I was always cracking jokes to break the tension.

01:18:36.000 I was always the guy who was doing impressions of other people on the team.

01:18:38.000 That was the first time that I became funny.

01:18:42.000 Because other than that, I didn't think I was funny.

01:18:44.000 I loved comedy, though, man.

01:18:46.000 God damn, I just thought the idea of it was so crazy.

01:18:49.000 The first time I saw Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip, I couldn't fucking believe this guy was just talking.

01:18:54.000 He's on stage just talking.

01:18:56.000 It was one of the most profound moments of my young life.

01:18:58.000 I was like 13, I think.

01:18:59.000 I was in the audience, and I was just looking around.

01:19:01.000 And people were falling out of their chairs laughing.

01:19:04.000 And I was holding my stomach.

01:19:06.000 I remember my stomach was hurting because I was laughing so hard.

01:19:08.000 And I was thinking, how crazy is it?

01:19:10.000 This guy's just talking.

01:19:11.000 He's just talking, and what he's saying is way funnier than any movie I've ever seen.

01:19:15.000 I was thinking of Stripes at the time, because Stripes was this amazing movie.

01:19:19.000 You know, Bill Murray, the funniest guy ever, and Chevy Chase, and they're together in this movie, and it's incredible.

01:19:23.000 This was way funnier, and this is just a guy talking.

01:19:27.000 He was just talking.

01:19:28.000 Delirious is what got me.

01:19:29.000 I was like, I think, 13, 12 or 13 when that came out.

01:19:32.000 And me and my brother watched it at his girlfriend's house who lived with her mom.

01:19:36.000 And we were watching it with my brother's girlfriend.

01:19:38.000 We were fucking dying because they're the only ones that had like, I think it was a VCR or something.

01:19:43.000 No one had VCRs.

01:19:43.000 We were dying.

01:19:44.000 Then the mom came home and we stopped laughing.

01:19:47.000 And she was standing right there.

01:19:49.000 We just froze.

01:19:50.000 We're like, oh shit, we're going to get busted.

01:19:53.000 Delirious was destruction.

01:19:54.000 Yes.

01:19:54.000 She stood there, heard fucking Eddie Murphy go off, and she didn't say shit.

01:19:59.000 She didn't say hi or nothing.

01:20:01.000 She was just fucking...

01:20:01.000 We didn't laugh at all.

01:20:03.000 She went upstairs, bam, and then we're like...

01:20:07.000 That was the funniest shit ever.

01:20:10.000 Delirious was at the time.

01:20:12.000 He took it to a whole new level.

01:20:14.000 Destruction.

01:20:15.000 It's terrible now.

01:20:17.000 Isn't that funny?

01:20:19.000 When I was a kid, man, that was the best shit ever.

01:20:22.000 Comedy does not hold up, man.

01:20:23.000 A lot of it does not hold up.

01:20:25.000 Most old stand-up comedians...

01:20:27.000 You ever want to listen to some old Bob Hope shit?

01:20:29.000 It'll make you want to jump out a fucking window.

01:20:31.000 Lenny Bruce, too.

01:20:32.000 Some of that shit.

01:20:34.000 Are you kidding me?

01:20:34.000 But some of it is fucking hilarious.

01:20:36.000 He's still got some shit that was funny.

01:20:37.000 What's the timeless shit?

01:20:38.000 The timeless shit is early kinescent.

01:20:40.000 That will always be funny.

01:20:41.000 Lenny Bruce has a few timeless moments.

01:20:42.000 He's got this.

01:20:43.000 He goes, homosexuals, they want to make homosexuals illegal.

01:20:46.000 So dig this.

01:20:46.000 This is what they do.

01:20:47.000 They take a guy who's gay and they put him in prison with a bunch of guys who want to have sex with him.

01:20:53.000 I mean, come on, man.

01:20:54.000 He knocked that shit out of the park in like 1950. That's funny.

01:20:58.000 That would stand up now.

01:21:00.000 When you go, dig this, man.

01:21:01.000 Dig, dig, man.

01:21:02.000 Dig this, man.

01:21:03.000 So, catch this.

01:21:04.000 But towards the end, he went crazy.

01:21:05.000 Towards the end, he would just go on stage with his legal papers and read from his legal documents.

01:21:09.000 He was out of his mind.

01:21:10.000 He was fucking nuts, bro.

01:21:11.000 What's another classic Lenny Bruce?

01:21:14.000 This is not that many.

01:21:16.000 Is that it?

01:21:16.000 Oh, yeah.

01:21:17.000 He had one about...

01:21:18.000 He goes, Catholics, man, I don't think they get it.

01:21:21.000 You know, it's like, you know, Jesus comes back, you think he wants to see a cross?

01:21:25.000 It's like a guy walking around with an electric chair on his neck.

01:21:28.000 So let me ask you something.

01:21:29.000 Lenny Bruce did that first?

01:21:30.000 Yes.

01:21:31.000 Before Bill Hicks?

01:21:31.000 Before Bill Hicks, yes.

01:21:33.000 Yes, yes.

01:21:34.000 Wow.

01:21:34.000 Yeah, that was Lenny Bruce's joke.

01:21:36.000 Wow.

01:21:37.000 That's pretty deep.

01:21:37.000 When I seen, when I heard Bicentennial Nigger and his son, I said Richard Pryor.

01:21:43.000 Richard Pryor, son.

01:21:44.000 What was the best shit from that?

01:21:45.000 You remember?

01:21:46.000 Give me a classic.

01:21:48.000 You'd have to look at it.

01:21:50.000 The best one from whatever is, hey man, say nigga, you with the cape.

01:21:56.000 Why are you living in the people's window?

01:21:57.000 What's your name, boy?

01:21:59.000 Dracula?

01:21:59.000 What kind of name is that for a nigga?

01:22:01.000 Where you from, fool?

01:22:02.000 Transylvania.

01:22:03.000 I know where it is, nigga.

01:22:04.000 You ain't the smartest motherfucker in the world, you know, but you ain't the ugliest.

01:22:07.000 Oh, yes, you ugly motherfucker.

01:22:08.000 And what's that dirt on the back of your neck?

01:22:10.000 You a filthy little motherfucker, too.

01:22:12.000 You better go home before the sun come up.

01:22:13.000 I ain't lying.

01:22:14.000 See your ass in a day.

01:22:15.000 You liable to get arrested.

01:22:16.000 You want to suck what?

01:22:17.000 Suck some black niggas' uke?

01:22:19.000 You some kind of freak boy or an ugly freak?

01:22:22.000 All that shit.

01:22:25.000 That was my heart.

01:22:26.000 That was my heart, guys.

01:22:27.000 I listened to that.

01:22:28.000 He had Mudbone in there.

01:22:30.000 Oh, Mudbone.

01:22:30.000 Chinese restaurant.

01:22:32.000 Give me another little sound bite.

01:22:34.000 That was beautiful, man.

01:22:35.000 One more.

01:22:36.000 Another sound bite.

01:22:37.000 Our gang.

01:22:37.000 Mudbone goes to Hollywood.

01:22:39.000 Chinese restaurant.

01:22:40.000 When he told, I knew Jesus.

01:22:43.000 I met that nigga at the railroad death pole.

01:22:46.000 I told him, don't you go down there messing with them Jews without no money.

01:22:49.000 Ha ha!

01:22:54.000 Fire was the genius.

01:22:56.000 He was great, but Bison told me when he goes to the baptism and a face like a lion and a body like a serpent.

01:23:03.000 I don't know about you, but I don't want to see no motherfucker that looks like that.

01:23:08.000 Man, when I was a kid, when I was in high school, me and my girlfriend, Bethany, we used to come home from high school and I had a cassette player and we'd listen to Richard Pryor cassettes and just giggle because we knew we shouldn't be listening to this.

01:23:20.000 Just giggle and laugh.

01:23:22.000 Dude, there was this guy that I work with at UPS. We work next to each other on an assembly line where we're sorting boxes.

01:23:30.000 There's a fucking conveyor belt with boxes.

01:23:32.000 When did you do that?

01:23:33.000 That's a nightmare.

01:23:34.000 That's a four-hour shift.

01:23:36.000 That's a nightmare.

01:23:37.000 From 2.30 to 7.30, that was my life.

01:23:40.000 My life was waking up at fucking 1.30.

01:23:42.000 Waking up at 1.30 was my life.

01:23:44.000 If you had kept that job today, they would have paid job for $2 million.

01:23:48.000 My buddy just got bought out.

01:23:49.000 Yeah?

01:23:50.000 My buddy did that.

01:23:50.000 Can you imagine he had the same job since high school?

01:23:53.000 Oh my god.

01:23:53.000 He would have to go on 11-15 and work till 3. In high school!

01:23:57.000 As a senior and junior.

01:23:58.000 But guess what?

01:23:59.000 When UPS went public, they paid that motherfucker $3 million.

01:24:02.000 $3 million?

01:24:03.000 When they went public, because he had 30 years of stocks.

01:24:06.000 They were just giving away stocks.

01:24:07.000 Like, just give this guy.

01:24:08.000 He's a part-timer.

01:24:09.000 Holy shit.

01:24:10.000 That was a nightmare, man.

01:24:11.000 That motherfucker got so much money, he stopped talking to his brother and everything.

01:24:14.000 Stop talking to his brother.

01:24:16.000 The brother called.

01:24:17.000 He's like, bro, why would your brother have business investment opportunities?

01:24:20.000 People always have business investment opportunities.

01:24:23.000 No, there was this guy, this black guy that I worked next to.

01:24:26.000 We fought a lot, man.

01:24:27.000 We had box wars and shit.

01:24:29.000 It's a long story, man.

01:24:30.000 He was pissed off that his conveyor belt was busier than mine, and I was the new guy.

01:24:35.000 He was fucking pissed.

01:24:37.000 But anyways, he would always have a ghetto box, and he fucking played Andrew.

01:24:41.000 There was a black guy named Phil Collins.

01:24:44.000 A black guy named Phil Collins.

01:24:47.000 He was always angry that he got the Busy Belt boxes were coming.

01:24:51.000 He'll throw boxes at me and shit.

01:24:53.000 I'm like, God damn it.

01:24:54.000 This sucks.

01:24:55.000 I gotta quit.

01:24:56.000 But anyways, he would always play Andrew Dice Clay in a ghetto box.

01:24:58.000 He knew Andrew Dice Clay.

01:25:00.000 At that point, it was like 1990, Andrew Dice Clay had a few CDs at that point.

01:25:06.000 He knew everything.

01:25:07.000 He would put a different one, The Day the Laughter Died.

01:25:10.000 He was just going back and forth.

01:25:11.000 It was, you know...

01:25:14.000 That's my story about comedy.

01:25:16.000 By the way, I gotta tell Joe while we're on this subject because it's very interesting.

01:25:19.000 I used to always tell you about UPS. People used to always tell me how they used to ship ship on UPS and I'd take them aside and go, don't ship nothing on UPS. Because my buddies ran the Paramus one.

01:25:30.000 And in all UPSs, they have a little gate where they have Rolexes and diamonds because they ship all the world's diamonds on UPS. A lot of people don't know that.

01:25:38.000 And they have a gate.

01:25:39.000 So when that bell goes off, that means the security gate opens and they would have these conveyor belts.

01:25:43.000 And these guys would have to sort shit out.

01:25:45.000 Well, my gangster buddies would take shit and throw it under the conveyor belt and it would get stuck and rip open.

01:25:52.000 Oh, dude, I ripped shit off.

01:25:55.000 My buddy used to show up with Rolex Presidentials, bitches, and they were selling for $10K cash, selling three a week, making $8.50 an hour at UPS, selling three Presidentials.

01:26:05.000 How did they not know there were so many getting stolen?

01:26:08.000 Because they're on insurance anyway.

01:26:10.000 This is a long time before surveillance cameras.

01:26:13.000 The cameras would rip open because the boxes would rip open.

01:26:17.000 They just wouldn't take the box and throw it on the floor.

01:26:18.000 Now they have tracking numbers and shit.

01:26:20.000 They would take the box and throw it in the conveyor belt so the belt would break it.

01:26:25.000 The box opened.

01:26:27.000 They would say, the watch got damaged.

01:26:28.000 It's in pieces.

01:26:29.000 Go get it.

01:26:29.000 The watch was in their fucking pocket with the warranty and everything.

01:26:33.000 So a $20,000 watch, they would sell three a week, these kids.

01:26:37.000 Each of them were yanking 90 grand a week out of that.

01:26:40.000 Plus diamonds, plus anything else that came out of fucking UPS. The good old days.

01:26:45.000 That was the worst job ever.

01:26:47.000 You don't move.

01:26:48.000 You don't stop moving.

01:26:48.000 It was so bad.

01:26:49.000 The position I had, I thought it was a promotion.

01:26:52.000 I thought it was moving up.

01:26:53.000 Up in UPS. The way you get into UPS is hard, because I was working as a temp at the United States Post Office, and that shit was only six months, a year, something like that, and it was coming to end, so I had to get another job, so I had people that worked at UPS, they go, dude, try UPS. It's going to be really hard to get in, though.

01:27:10.000 They hire three out of 30 people that they come in.

01:27:12.000 They bring 30 people, and they hire three, and I'm like, dude, they're looking for warriors, dude.

01:27:18.000 It's really hard.

01:27:19.000 2.30 to 7.30, and they work you four hours, like a Fucking dog.

01:27:23.000 But they paid you eight bucks an hour, and minimum wage back then was $3.35, so it was like, I want that fucking money.

01:27:28.000 So I went in there and just bullshitted my way through it.

01:27:31.000 I went to the fucking interview, and they go, why do you think you're good for this job?

01:27:36.000 I love working in the middle at Graveyard Shift.

01:27:39.000 I'm always up.

01:27:40.000 I have so much energy.

01:27:41.000 I just want to have so much energy at that time.

01:27:43.000 I love hard work.

01:27:44.000 I don't want to work retail and deal with people.

01:27:46.000 I want to work in the back.

01:27:47.000 So basically what you did was like what you would do to a chick.

01:27:50.000 You would try to pretend that you're something you're not?

01:27:52.000 Yes, totally.

01:27:53.000 Dude, they called the three finalists and one of them was me.

01:27:58.000 And I'm like, fuck yeah.

01:27:59.000 I came and I knew.

01:28:00.000 I just bullshitted my way through.

01:28:02.000 You guys had finalists for a job?

01:28:05.000 Yeah, dude.

01:28:05.000 That's incredible.

01:28:06.000 There was three out of 30 people.

01:28:07.000 They fucking called our name.

01:28:08.000 We fucking come in.

01:28:09.000 And then they give us on a tour of UPS. Tremendous warehouse.

01:28:14.000 So did you say, I really think my career is here.

01:28:17.000 Yes, all that shit.

01:28:18.000 All that shit.

01:28:18.000 I can see me retiring with UPS. So at first, when you first come in, this is 1.30.

01:28:24.000 You're unloading semis.

01:28:26.000 The first job is you get in the semi, the two worst motherfuckers, there's all these semis and go, you're part of the semi crew.

01:28:31.000 You're just putting fucking boxes on conveyor belts and then the conveyor comes out and then the first guy sorts it by zip code and he has a bunch of belts behind him and he's going for it.

01:28:40.000 So I'm in the fucking truck going, fuck!

01:28:42.000 Working hard, going, I gotta get out of this fucking truck.

01:28:44.000 I need to be in the sorter.

01:28:45.000 There's all the dust in here.

01:28:46.000 This is for the fucking slaves.

01:28:47.000 Fuck this shit.

01:28:48.000 So finally, I bumped up.

01:28:50.000 Now I'm a splitter.

01:28:51.000 And they time your ass.

01:28:52.000 They're like hiding in the conveyor belt.

01:28:54.000 How many packages can you sort?

01:28:59.000 Dude, you can't think.

01:29:00.000 You're like, there's nine belts behind you.

01:29:02.000 And you're like fucking going crazy.

01:29:03.000 But I would know when they were watching.

01:29:05.000 I would know.

01:29:06.000 I was like, I'm like, I'm like always looking around.

01:29:08.000 Always looking.

01:29:09.000 I'm like, oh, this motherfucker's gonna tie me.

01:29:11.000 I would missort everything.

01:29:12.000 I would just go...

01:29:12.000 I was just missorting shit.

01:29:16.000 They don't know who the fuck missorts shit.

01:29:17.000 And after we would have our meeting, it was a great day.

01:29:20.000 You guys did great.

01:29:21.000 Like the team leader, fucking Edgar Bravo.

01:29:23.000 Again, the record holder for today.

01:29:25.000 The guy's on fire.

01:29:26.000 He's doing great.

01:29:27.000 I was the fucking...

01:29:28.000 Dude, I was the man.

01:29:29.000 And I really sucked.

01:29:31.000 I wasn't that good.

01:29:31.000 But I just can see them timing my ass.

01:29:33.000 And when it was time for the big promotion...

01:29:35.000 Way up the conveyor belt.

01:29:36.000 Like the dude who sorts for the actual trucks that are going out.

01:29:39.000 Up the conveyor belt.

01:29:40.000 Yeah, they go.

01:29:41.000 We go up.

01:29:41.000 The promotion goes to Edgar Bravo for his fantastic work and his fantastic times.

01:29:47.000 I'm like, oh shit!

01:29:48.000 How did they not?

01:29:49.000 What a whack system.

01:29:50.000 How did they not know you were horse shitting them?

01:29:53.000 Dude, it was whack.

01:29:54.000 That's hilarious.

01:29:55.000 They don't get mis-sorted because there's conveyor belts that go for fucking like hundreds of yards and they're going through all this shit.

01:30:01.000 It's complex.

01:30:02.000 By the time, down the road in the conveyor belt they see a mis-sort.

01:30:05.000 Oh, that's a mis-sort.

01:30:06.000 Goes to the mis-sort I own and it comes all the way back.

01:30:08.000 They don't know who the fuck mis-sorted.

01:30:09.000 They make mistakes all the time.

01:30:10.000 You don't know what the fuck's going on.

01:30:12.000 They're fucking idiots.

01:30:13.000 Well, anyways, I thought I got a promotion, got a 50 cent raise and I'm sitting there Back-to-back like me or you're sorting for people behind you and I'm sorting for people behind me and it's me and Phil Collins and we're going I'm the the the reason the guy quit I didn't know he couldn't handle working with Phil Collins because Phil Collins is like just this mean fucking black guy that would fuck really cool before work started with everyone to what about the Jets oh my god God, did you see fucking Boomer Esiason?

01:30:38.000 He was on fire.

01:30:40.000 Everybody was really fucking cool at 2 o'clock in the morning.

01:30:42.000 But once it starts, you start fucking getting pissed.

01:30:45.000 And he would get pissed that I was getting help because I was new.

01:30:49.000 I was fucking out.

01:30:50.000 The guys were always helping me, the managers, but they weren't helping him.

01:30:53.000 So fuck, man.

01:30:54.000 That was the worst job ever.

01:30:56.000 I ended up quitting.

01:30:56.000 They were begging me to come back because to get a guy to get...

01:31:00.000 It takes like two months to fucking have that shit wired.

01:31:02.000 It takes a long time.

01:31:03.000 And until you get it wired, the fucking guy's got to help you.

01:31:06.000 The manager's got to help you.

01:31:07.000 They don't want you to quit.

01:31:09.000 We just put in a fucking nine months in with you.

01:31:11.000 You better not quit.

01:31:12.000 I would quit.

01:31:13.000 They were begging me to come back.

01:31:14.000 I'm like, I'm gone.

01:31:15.000 My back hurts.

01:31:16.000 I faked a back injury.

01:31:17.000 Give me the fuck out of here.

01:31:19.000 Well, we're all happy you did that.

01:31:21.000 Yeah.

01:31:21.000 Because then we would have lost you, bro.

01:31:23.000 You would have been at UPS right now.

01:31:25.000 You would have been a blue belt by now.

01:31:27.000 You would have been at UPS, only a blue belt.

01:31:29.000 You would have never gone to Abu Dhabi.

01:31:31.000 You would have been fucked up.

01:31:32.000 Thank God for Phil Collins.

01:31:34.000 If you're out there, thank you, man.

01:31:35.000 Thank you.

01:31:35.000 Phil Collins, how do you spell it?

01:31:36.000 I ran from that job.

01:31:37.000 B-H-I-L-C-O-O-C-O-L-L-E-N. I don't remember, man.

01:31:41.000 Because there was two Phil Collins.

01:31:42.000 There was a drummer and then there was a guitar player from...

01:31:45.000 Phil Collin.

01:31:46.000 Def Leppard.

01:31:47.000 Def Leppard.

01:31:47.000 Phil Collin.

01:31:48.000 Who you think you're dealing with?

01:31:49.000 Some fucking novice here?

01:31:50.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:31:51.000 What's up, dawg?

01:31:52.000 What's the song of the week?

01:31:53.000 How about fucking...

01:31:54.000 You can't play songs on us.

01:31:55.000 I told you on the way up here, Doug, I was listening to Leonard Skinner, who I never even seen coming out of the woodwork, but I heard...

01:32:04.000 Whatever.

01:32:04.000 Free Bird.

01:32:05.000 Oh, my God.

01:32:06.000 They ain't fucking around, dawg, are they?

01:32:07.000 Yeah, Leonard Skinner had some fucking jams.

01:32:09.000 Them and the Alden brothers, those cops.

01:32:11.000 Sweet home Alabama to this day.

01:32:12.000 When he says, turn it up, oh my fucking Lord.

01:32:17.000 Turn that motherfucker up.

01:32:19.000 All-time jam.

01:32:19.000 That's an all-time jam.

01:32:20.000 Fuck the rent money.

01:32:21.000 So what you got going on this weekend?

01:32:24.000 I got nothing, man.

01:32:25.000 I was going to go to Sal's and I don't know what happened then.

01:32:27.000 Sal's Comedy Hall is temporarily closed down because he's got no liquor license.

01:32:32.000 You're not doing nothing this weekend?

01:32:33.000 Just chillaxing.

01:32:34.000 I got to keep writing.

01:32:35.000 Austin, you guys are doing a gig in Austin.

01:32:37.000 Yeah, that's the 14th.

01:32:38.000 That's the 14th.

01:32:39.000 That's a Wednesday?

01:32:40.000 I got Bray next Wednesday.

01:32:41.000 It's a Tuesday.

01:32:42.000 UFC is on a Wednesday.

01:32:44.000 It's Tuesday night.

01:32:45.000 Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz, Ari too?

01:32:48.000 Ultimate Fighter.

01:32:49.000 Ari, just you and Joey?

01:32:50.000 Just me and Joey.

01:32:50.000 In Austin, beautiful.

01:32:51.000 I'll be there too.

01:32:52.000 I'm in Bray next Wednesday.

01:32:53.000 Laughing.

01:32:54.000 Doing my thing too.

01:32:55.000 Next Wednesday, Bray?

01:32:56.000 Yeah.

01:32:57.000 Oh, next Wednesday is your monthly show?

01:32:58.000 Yeah, I got a bunch of shows.

01:32:59.000 Who's doing that?

01:33:00.000 Who's doing that with you?

01:33:01.000 I'll do that with you.

01:33:01.000 Yeah, I got a couple people coming down.

01:33:03.000 Let me know what's cracking.

01:33:04.000 Yeah, I'll do that.

01:33:05.000 That's really getting big.

01:33:06.000 It's been a lot of fun lately.

01:33:07.000 Yeah, you've been selling that place out, right?

01:33:09.000 Yeah, man.

01:33:09.000 We've been doing good fucking numbers.

01:33:11.000 Every month, Joey does...

01:33:12.000 Where can they find out about the show?

01:33:14.000 The Breyer Improv at improv.com, 714-482-0700.

01:33:19.000 Do you have a schedule when you're going to be there?

01:33:22.000 If you go on the Breyer schedule, it has me on there.

01:33:28.000 Do you have your website updated?

01:33:29.000 No, I have the Beauty and the Beast website updated.

01:33:31.000 You've got to update your website.

01:33:33.000 I know.

01:33:34.000 You're always doing something.

01:33:36.000 I've got a lot of people that would like to know where you're going to perform.

01:33:39.000 They know.

01:33:39.000 They fucking know.

01:33:40.000 We need to get you a real website with a real schedule.

01:33:44.000 You hit them up on Twitter?

01:33:45.000 Sure, bro.

01:33:45.000 And if you don't know Joey's Twitter, it's on the Ustream page.

01:33:48.000 You can see it there.

01:33:49.000 Mad Flavor.

01:33:50.000 M-A-D-F-L-A-V-O-R. I don't know nothing about that.

01:33:54.000 Brian knows all about that shit.

01:33:55.000 Listen, I'm glad that you're finally at least connected to the internet and really into this.

01:33:59.000 You write a lot of blogs for a while.

01:34:01.000 I still write every Monday.

01:34:02.000 Do you?

01:34:03.000 Where do you put them up?

01:34:04.000 MySpace.

01:34:05.000 Joey's on the internet a lot.

01:34:06.000 Still rocking MySpace.

01:34:07.000 Because that's why I started with that.

01:34:09.000 It's too hard to transfer them over.

01:34:11.000 No, you copy and paste.

01:34:12.000 Well, this is the problem.

01:34:13.000 I have three different batches of people.

01:34:16.000 My Facebook has more family people on it that I grew up with.

01:34:19.000 And they know, but they don't know.

01:34:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:34:22.000 My Twitter people are my people on here.

01:34:24.000 You motherfuckers are the best.

01:34:25.000 I can talk about eating ass.

01:34:26.000 I can talk about stabbing Puerto Ricans.

01:34:28.000 You guys are the best.

01:34:29.000 MySpace, I go all out, but there's nobody left.

01:34:31.000 It's like me and a couple people, but I write my blog.

01:34:34.000 On MySpace just because I started on there.

01:34:37.000 Sometimes if I get a lot of hits real quick, I put it on Twitter or something.

01:34:40.000 It's kind of weird how MySpace just fucking fell apart.

01:34:44.000 I've never seen anything like that.

01:34:45.000 It was so popular and it just got crushed.

01:34:48.000 I don't know about that.

01:34:49.000 We just keep moving on.

01:34:50.000 I think Facebook is a better product.

01:34:53.000 My MySpace, I don't even bother advertising for seminars.

01:34:57.000 Yeah, I don't advertise my shows anymore on MySpace.

01:35:00.000 I just keep it up for the music.

01:35:01.000 People want to hear my music temporarily.

01:35:03.000 My music's up on MySpace.

01:35:04.000 That's it.

01:35:05.000 But I don't fuck with the jujitsu part of it at all.

01:35:07.000 Facebook's just so much smarter with their updates and shit.

01:35:09.000 You can go to your timeline and see all this different shit that's happening.

01:35:12.000 It's kind of interesting.

01:35:13.000 You know, Bob's in a relationship with Lisa.

01:35:15.000 Oh, no shit, huh?

01:35:16.000 Click this, click that.

01:35:16.000 It's crazy.

01:35:17.000 Just get all busybody and start fucking looking through it.

01:35:20.000 By the way, September 19th, I'm in Rochester at 10th Planet, Rochester with Chris Herzog.

01:35:28.000 What's the date?

01:35:29.000 That's September 18th.

01:35:30.000 September 18th is Rochester.

01:35:32.000 That's a Saturday.

01:35:32.000 September 19th is the Viper Room on the Sunset Grill.

01:35:36.000 The Sunset Strip.

01:35:37.000 I think we got those dates wrong, man.

01:35:39.000 For some reason, I believe that the 18th is Saturday.

01:35:41.000 Yeah, the 18th is Rochester.

01:35:43.000 And the 19th is the Viper Room.

01:35:45.000 So get your tickets now.

01:35:47.000 If you want to get on the guest list, twisterbravo at sbcglobal.net.

01:35:53.000 I'll put you on the guest list if you're in LA. September 19th, Sunday, 9 p.m.

01:35:57.000 This is your band?

01:36:00.000 Yes.

01:36:01.000 September 18th, bro.

01:36:03.000 18th is a Saturday night.

01:36:04.000 Yeah, 18th is Rochester.

01:36:06.000 Okay, so the Sunday is the Viper Room.

01:36:09.000 Yes, Sunday night Viper Room.

01:36:11.000 And the Monday is a holiday, so come on, bitch.

01:36:13.000 Is it really?

01:36:14.000 There's a grand opening of a UFC gym on the 18th.

01:36:17.000 I'm going to Rosemead.

01:36:19.000 Oh, shit.

01:36:19.000 Columbus.

01:36:20.000 Columbus is September.

01:36:22.000 20th is probably Columbus Day.

01:36:24.000 And October 10th is something else, I guess.

01:36:28.000 Also, my new website's up.

01:36:29.000 All the techniques are free on it.

01:36:31.000 All the shit that I put up on my website is all free.

01:36:34.000 It's stuff that I charged for before, up until October 1st.

01:36:38.000 So watch them all.

01:36:40.000 10thplanetjj.com.

01:36:41.000 Click techniques, please.

01:36:42.000 Thank you.

01:36:44.000 So, uh, your chick got fucking picked up for cocaine this weekend out of Vegas, that dummy.

01:36:49.000 Which one?

01:36:50.000 Parasol.

01:36:50.000 What happened?

01:36:51.000 Her homeboy.

01:36:52.000 This is what I tell you.

01:36:53.000 Don't smoke in the car, cocksucker.

01:36:54.000 Don't smoke in the car.

01:36:55.000 Don't smoke in the car.

01:36:56.000 It's a running joke that Joey Diaz will just hop into a fucking car in the middle of a police parade.

01:37:02.000 It doesn't mean shit.

01:37:05.000 He'll just start lighting that joint.

01:37:06.000 Where's the reefer, cocksucker?

01:37:07.000 What are we doing there?

01:37:08.000 We playing games?

01:37:08.000 He'll just start lighting joints.

01:37:10.000 And I'm always thinking we're going to get pulled over and we're going to get, you know, this is not good.

01:37:15.000 You're not supposed to smoke weed in the car.

01:37:16.000 So we should have a rule.

01:37:17.000 You should never smoke weed in the car.

01:37:18.000 Don't smoke weed while I'm driving.

01:37:20.000 I don't.

01:37:20.000 It just smells it up too much.

01:37:21.000 This is the reason.

01:37:22.000 For like an hour, you're vulnerable, you know?

01:37:25.000 Well, not only that, it's just stupid.

01:37:26.000 She was smoking, the windows were open, and the fucking smoke got out, and there was a bike cop or something.

01:37:32.000 Yeah, and he drove right by him, and he's smelling weed.

01:37:34.000 He smelled the weed.

01:37:35.000 So he pulls him over and finds coke in her car.

01:37:37.000 Well, this bitch asks to go to the bathroom, goes to the bathroom, forgets to...

01:37:40.000 You know, when you get pulled over, the first thing you do is you take that illegal substance and put it in your fucking snatch.

01:37:45.000 Especially if you're abroad.

01:37:46.000 If you're a guy, put it in your ball sack.

01:37:47.000 Where did this happen?

01:37:48.000 In Vegas.

01:37:49.000 Ooh.

01:37:50.000 Ooh, yeah.

01:37:51.000 Is she in jail?

01:37:52.000 No.

01:37:53.000 Nancy Grace was very upset.

01:37:57.000 Who is she to be let out of jail?

01:37:59.000 If it was you or I, we would be in there right now.

01:38:04.000 Speaking of Dr. Phil, I've read some stuff in the tabloids that he's having trouble with his wife.

01:38:10.000 Is that all bullshit?

01:38:11.000 Is that bullshit or is that real?

01:38:13.000 What do you think?

01:38:14.000 No, no, no.

01:38:15.000 I don't give a fuck about anything.

01:38:16.000 Dr. Phil is worth like hundreds of millions of dollars and I bet your bitches bomb on me.

01:38:21.000 No, no.

01:38:21.000 What I'm saying is I don't give a fuck what anybody does in their own life with their marriage.

01:38:25.000 I don't wish any harm in their marriage.

01:38:27.000 I hope everyone fucking is happy.

01:38:29.000 That motherfucker, Dr. Phil, I'm going to enjoy watching his life fall apart.

01:38:34.000 Why?

01:38:35.000 He's a fucking idiot, man.

01:38:36.000 I hate that guy.

01:38:37.000 Wow, strong words.

01:38:38.000 I hate that fucking guy.

01:38:39.000 He's a fucking backstabber to the male gender.

01:38:45.000 Come on.

01:38:45.000 That guy's the biggest fucking traitor.

01:38:48.000 He's hustling.

01:38:50.000 Whatever.

01:38:50.000 Every day I'm hustling.

01:38:52.000 It's going to be funny.

01:38:52.000 It's going to be funny to catch him busted with hookers and shit like that.

01:38:56.000 I know.

01:38:56.000 That's going to be fucking hilarious.

01:38:57.000 It's going to be interesting what does happen to him.

01:39:00.000 He's going to have to be very careful about his image if he does get divorced.

01:39:03.000 It could be total horseshit and he could be getting along with his wife great.

01:39:06.000 But if he gets divorced and he's out there wilding, he's out there dating, because there's going to be bitches that want to set him up, try to get on TMZ. How about the Dr. Phil sketch that was on the Man Show?

01:39:16.000 There was a two-parter.

01:39:16.000 Remember that shit?

01:39:17.000 On the Man Show?

01:39:19.000 It was a reality when a guy that was posing as Dr. Phil had a fake book signing and people showed up and thought it was him.

01:39:25.000 And he was saying all kinds of crazy shit?

01:39:27.000 Yeah, like the girls were in line.

01:39:29.000 They didn't even know it was him.

01:39:30.000 It looks like him.

01:39:31.000 It probably didn't fool everybody.

01:39:33.000 But, man, it was a total punk.

01:39:36.000 Like he would say.

01:39:37.000 He was signing the book.

01:39:38.000 I got some coke back in the hotel room.

01:39:40.000 You down?

01:39:40.000 And girls would be like, yeah.

01:39:42.000 Yeah.

01:39:42.000 Let's do this.

01:39:44.000 Girls were down!

01:39:46.000 And then he was making moves on this one chick, and from under the table, a girl came out like he had been getting a blowjob and just walked away.

01:39:52.000 And he just kept talking to her, go, you want a party?

01:39:54.000 Get your friends, let's go, I got some coats.

01:39:56.000 And they were fucking down, man!

01:39:58.000 It was so funny, that sketch, it was so much material, it was the only comedy, it was the only man show sketch that had two parts.

01:40:07.000 They did it again the next week.

01:40:08.000 There was so much material, man.

01:40:10.000 It was too funny.

01:40:12.000 If Stan Hope and I had a real show where we could have really done what we wanted to do, it could have been very interesting.

01:40:17.000 There was two problems with doing that man show.

01:40:18.000 One was that I was doing Fear Factor at the same time.

01:40:21.000 That was crazy days.

01:40:22.000 Crazy days, dude.

01:40:23.000 In the middle of all that man show shit, I'm training for Abu Dhabi.

01:40:27.000 I'm looking for the man show, depressed, out of my mind.

01:40:30.000 It was the worst.

01:40:31.000 From day one, inside, I wanted to kill myself.

01:40:34.000 I'm like, this fucking is not what I thought it was going to be for.

01:40:37.000 Well, when it started out, what it was supposed to be, was supposed to be we would be able to do whatever we wanted.

01:40:41.000 The way they sold it to me was...

01:40:42.000 Explain the beginning.

01:40:43.000 Explain the beginning how they offered you the show while you were still on Fear Factor.

01:40:46.000 I was doing Fear Factor and they were saying, we want you to take over the man show.

01:40:49.000 And I was like, with who?

01:40:51.000 And they said, well, we have a short list of peoples or anybody you would want to do it with.

01:40:54.000 And I'm like, there's only one guy, Doug Stanhope.

01:40:56.000 I go, that's the only way it would work.

01:40:58.000 I go, this is the only guy that's like that, like fits right in there with me, like my sensitivity, my sensibility rather.

01:41:04.000 And so they said, well, you guys would be perfect, you could do it.

01:41:06.000 I'm like, but it would be too restrictive.

01:41:08.000 They're like, no, no, no, you don't understand.

01:41:10.000 A lawsuit would be good for us.

01:41:11.000 The guy actually said this to me.

01:41:12.000 He said, if we got sued, okay, it would be great publicity.

01:41:16.000 It would be great.

01:41:16.000 This is what we want to do.

01:41:17.000 We want to do nudity, blur it out.

01:41:19.000 If you want to swear, beep it out.

01:41:21.000 Essentially, you could do anything that you would talk about.

01:41:23.000 And real quick, we already had like 10, 15 ideas for sketches, even before that, so this was like a perfect thing.

01:41:29.000 I remember you called me and go, dude, the fuck Comedy Central wants me to take over the man show.

01:41:33.000 How fucking crazy is that?

01:41:35.000 We were just, we were thinking it.

01:41:36.000 So anyway, what happened was, yeah, totally.

01:41:38.000 It was very strange.

01:41:39.000 And they came up to me and they basically just gave us a story about what they were going to be able to do for us.

01:41:44.000 We're going to have some show.

01:41:45.000 It's going to be completely wild.

01:41:46.000 You can do whatever you want.

01:41:47.000 Well, once we got in there, it was a completely different story.

01:41:50.000 They had really restricted ideas about what the subject matter should be.

01:41:54.000 The guy who was the executive producer wound up kind of hijacking the show and taking all the things in his direction.

01:42:00.000 And this is the guy that me and Doug hired.

01:42:01.000 Yes.

01:42:02.000 He hired the head writer.

01:42:04.000 He hated you.

01:42:05.000 You and him.

01:42:05.000 You remember that, right?

01:42:07.000 Yeah.

01:42:07.000 Remember that?

01:42:08.000 The head writer.

01:42:08.000 I remember you going out to dinner because before you signed, you were like, let me pick the head writer.

01:42:13.000 And you said, can I hire my guys?

01:42:16.000 I'm going to bring in my guy.

01:42:17.000 What was your guy's name?

01:42:18.000 Tom Giannis.

01:42:19.000 Tom Giannis.

01:42:20.000 No, the bald guy, the comedian.

01:42:21.000 Chris McGuire.

01:42:21.000 Yes, you wanted to bring in Chris McGuire and Matty Kirsch and me.

01:42:26.000 And they said, no, no, whatever you want to do, man.

01:42:28.000 Whatever.

01:42:29.000 You have total power.

01:42:30.000 You have total power, dude.

01:42:31.000 And you're like, damn.

01:42:32.000 And you called me and go, dude, they're giving me total fucking power.

01:42:35.000 You go, well, I want to be able to hire the head writer.

01:42:37.000 You went out, met with some guys, and you met with Giannis.

01:42:40.000 Yeah, let's not get too into this.

01:42:42.000 I know what you're saying, but I don't want to throw Tom Giannis under the bus.

01:42:45.000 I think he's a talented guy.

01:42:46.000 He just did what he thought was the right show.

01:42:48.000 And I wasn't there.

01:42:49.000 Well, I wasn't there, and the network had real serious ideas about what they wanted.

01:42:52.000 And, you know, they were the ones running the show and coming up with the money, and they had some real serious ideas about what they thought was funny.

01:42:58.000 And one of them was they didn't want Joey on the show.

01:43:00.000 And I wanted Joey to come out at the beginning of the show naked and introduce everybody.

01:43:04.000 He would come out with a microphone, a handheld microphone.

01:43:06.000 Let's get this party started!

01:43:08.000 And Joey's dancing and everything.

01:43:09.000 It was probably one of the funniest things we ever did.

01:43:12.000 And they fought to the point of tears.

01:43:14.000 This fucking chick, who I like, a very nice person.

01:43:17.000 She's an executive.

01:43:18.000 She's telling me, why is that funny?

01:43:20.000 I'm like, how could it not be funny?

01:43:22.000 I go, you're going to get Joey Diaz.

01:43:23.000 He's going to run out naked.

01:43:24.000 You pixelate his balls.

01:43:25.000 The crowd's going to go crazy.

01:43:26.000 It's going to put him in the perfect mood.

01:43:28.000 I just don't see how this is funny.

01:43:29.000 I don't see how this is funny.

01:43:31.000 Tears are coming down our eyes.

01:43:32.000 I go, we'll do two intros.

01:43:33.000 We'll do one without it and we'll do one with it.

01:43:35.000 We do one without it.

01:43:36.000 You go out there, the fucking place goes apeshit.

01:43:40.000 They are falling down laughing.

01:43:41.000 It was hilarious.

01:43:42.000 It was the best intro ever.

01:43:43.000 And I got that all on camcorder.

01:43:44.000 And so then I go to her and I'm like, you know, I raise my hands up.

01:43:47.000 See?

01:43:47.000 Told you.

01:43:48.000 Like, you gotta...

01:43:49.000 I know what I think is funny.

01:43:51.000 I'm capable of reproducing what I think is funny.

01:43:54.000 You might not think it's funny on paper.

01:43:56.000 You might not think it's funny as I'm describing it to you.

01:43:58.000 But I know it's funny to me.

01:44:00.000 And if it's funny to me, it's gonna be funny to other people.

01:44:02.000 It just has to be people who think the way I think.

01:44:04.000 But these are the executives that went to college for four years.

01:44:06.000 That's why the reason Chappelle quit.

01:44:08.000 Because you gotta...

01:44:08.000 Well, it was also the reason why it turned out.

01:44:11.000 It was the reason why Adam Carolla and Jimmy...

01:44:14.000 Jimmy Kimmel stopped doing it.

01:44:16.000 It's because they gave up ownership of the show so that they could have creative control.

01:44:21.000 They gave up ownership because they're tired of these idiots.

01:44:23.000 And they gave up.

01:44:24.000 They were like, look, look, look.

01:44:25.000 You guys can't have the fucking show.

01:44:27.000 We just want to be responsible for what gets done.

01:44:29.000 And they for sure didn't want to hire me.

01:44:31.000 They said, no, no, no.

01:44:32.000 Once you sign, they go, no, this Eddie Bravo has no TV experience.

01:44:35.000 Why the fuck do we want him on the show?

01:44:37.000 And they're like, no, we're not going to hire him.

01:44:39.000 We'll hire Chris McGuire.

01:44:40.000 But no.

01:44:42.000 The problem was they didn't understand what I was trying to do.

01:44:44.000 I was like, look, he says funny shit.

01:44:47.000 He comes up with some funny ideas.

01:44:48.000 He might not be a writer as far as he's not going to come up with a properly formatted sketch.

01:44:56.000 He could eventually do that, but for right now what he's good at, he's good at looking at things funny, smoking pot, coming up with crazy ideas.

01:45:03.000 They weren't having it.

01:45:04.000 They weren't hearing it.

01:45:05.000 You had to yell at them.

01:45:06.000 He wanted it to be his show.

01:45:08.000 And I wasn't there enough.

01:45:09.000 I was doing Fear Factor at least three days a week.

01:45:11.000 So for three days, they would be running the show.

01:45:14.000 And Doug did not feel confident enough to take over.

01:45:17.000 And he would send me messages.

01:45:18.000 He would call me up and go, Dude, it is fucking hell here.

01:45:20.000 This is just driving me crazy.

01:45:22.000 This fucking stupid sketch is getting in, and I can't get this done.

01:45:26.000 And then the Janet Jackson nipple thing happened, and then we were fucked.

01:45:30.000 Because then shit that we already had approved, they yanked out.

01:45:33.000 They pulled shit out of episodes.

01:45:35.000 Because after that Janet Jackson nipple fiasco, people who don't know, who weren't in show business, a lot of people, it was nothing.

01:45:42.000 Some chick pulls her tit out in a video, you know, in a Super Bowl thing, rather, and it's like, who cares?

01:45:47.000 It's kind of gross.

01:45:48.000 It was stupid.

01:45:48.000 You know, they did something, and it's over, you know?

01:45:51.000 But to Hollywood, that cost people money.

01:45:54.000 People were worried about sponsors pulling out.

01:45:56.000 People were worried about losing commercial money, and they acted, man.

01:45:59.000 They started chopping up sketches and removing bits, and everybody went on a panic.

01:46:04.000 They were all sheep.

01:46:05.000 They just went on this panic sheep run, banging into walls, tripping over themselves, trying to stop comedy.

01:46:10.000 How about the sketch that we wrote that they originally approved and they backed out of we were going to do extreme sack fighting?

01:46:17.000 You remember that?

01:46:19.000 It was funny because I'll never forget the day that that all went down.

01:46:23.000 Between you, me, and all three of us, I didn't want to fucking be there either.

01:46:27.000 It was the worst fucking thing I was around.

01:46:28.000 It was a bad energy, right?

01:46:30.000 It was terrible.

01:46:30.000 And I'll never forget that.

01:46:32.000 I went, they made me rehearse, like jack-offs that they were, and the guy, Tom Giannis, came over, and oh, it's hysterical, we love it.

01:46:40.000 Then the next day I go there, and now everybody's talking about it.

01:46:43.000 It was hysterical to see all these fucking educated white people walking around like they didn't know what the fuck to do.

01:46:48.000 He's going to take his balls out, and he's going to run, and they're going to kill, and that's it.

01:46:53.000 They all were arguing.

01:46:54.000 This is not the direction we want to go in.

01:46:56.000 This is like a fucking horrid situation.

01:46:58.000 Joe pushed this through with all his might.

01:47:01.000 Nobody wanted to do it.

01:47:02.000 This is not a direction we want to go in.

01:47:04.000 You hired me to do what I think is funny.

01:47:06.000 You told me you want to do some crazy shit.

01:47:08.000 We're going to do some crazy shit.

01:47:09.000 And then they wanted me to be a juggie, a man juggie, and take a piss and show me my crack.

01:47:14.000 And I was like, this ain't gonna happen.

01:47:15.000 When Joey came running out, yeah, they're like, we want to put him in makeup and everything.

01:47:19.000 When Joey came running out, all bets were off.

01:47:21.000 They had to shut up for at least that day.

01:47:23.000 So we had to shoot two episodes that day.

01:47:25.000 We had to shoot two episodes.

01:47:26.000 And I was going to run through both of them.

01:47:28.000 But even after the first one, even after they'd seen the laughter, they were like, it's not going to happen.

01:47:32.000 But what got me was, I'm not familiar with this environment.

01:47:35.000 I'm a fucking stand-up comic at the time.

01:47:38.000 I had done a couple things, but I wasn't familiar with the whole other side of this business.

01:47:41.000 Hollywood bullshit.

01:47:42.000 Which is lying.

01:47:43.000 So the guy who was telling me to my face how funny I am, I catch him when I get off stage telling the Comedy Central people that it was tasteless, and he thought it was terrible, and he's going to tell Rogan how my balls aren't funny.

01:47:55.000 And I bust a dude.

01:47:56.000 And all of a sudden, I look at him, and I fucking was raging.

01:47:59.000 And as I'm at the end of the show, I'm outside, and what really happened was, because I don't give a fuck, I was smoking a joint with a security guard, with this black security guard.

01:48:07.000 I whipped out a joint right on the set.

01:48:08.000 You know, I don't give a fuck.

01:48:10.000 And me and the security guard was like, what you doing?

01:48:12.000 I go, smoke it.

01:48:12.000 We went into a little nook and cranny on a Saturday.

01:48:15.000 Remember they taped on a Saturday.

01:48:17.000 And we sparked up and we got really fucking high.

01:48:19.000 So now I walk in.

01:48:20.000 I got to put up with all that cut Judy Brown, all that shit.

01:48:22.000 I'll say this because I don't give a fuck.

01:48:24.000 I walk in and the guy comes and he goes to me.

01:48:27.000 That was hilarious.

01:48:28.000 And I stopped and I go, how can you say that to me?

01:48:31.000 How can you say that to me?

01:48:33.000 I just see you with my own eyes telling the people.

01:48:37.000 What?

01:48:37.000 It wasn't funny.

01:48:39.000 And he didn't see you when he was saying office.

01:48:41.000 Right.

01:48:41.000 He didn't see me catching him.

01:48:42.000 So I go, how can you fucking say that to me?

01:48:44.000 He goes, I go, as a matter of fact, I'm going to go in there and tell Joe.

01:48:47.000 And he goes, you're going to go tell Joe?

01:48:48.000 So you're fired.

01:48:49.000 I go, really?

01:48:50.000 Come here.

01:48:50.000 And I fucking go to smack him.

01:48:51.000 You know me, dog.

01:48:52.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:48:52.000 That guy's a pussy with his fucking bike.

01:48:54.000 He's a white biker.

01:48:55.000 I'll still smack you in the fucking mouth, fuck.

01:48:58.000 So...

01:48:59.000 He goes outside.

01:49:00.000 Aren't they all white?

01:49:01.000 Yeah, he thought he was bad to the bone with his bike.

01:49:03.000 He's one of these bikers from Malibu, bro.

01:49:04.000 He can suck my dick.

01:49:05.000 So the funny thing is, he's outside by the pipe.

01:49:08.000 That's when I went to hit him, by the pipe.

01:49:10.000 And he hit his head with the pipe.

01:49:12.000 And we're outside, and he's sitting there like, I'm not going back unless Joe Diaz leaves.

01:49:16.000 You're a fucking man, and you're sitting by a pipe like a little fucking girl.

01:49:20.000 And all of a sudden, my main man had to come up to me, Jeff Sussman.

01:49:22.000 He goes, hey, man, they don't want you on the lot.

01:49:25.000 I might as well...

01:49:26.000 I gotta escort you off the lot.

01:49:28.000 And I remember, I go, Suss, walk me over there.

01:49:30.000 And I went over there, put my hand on it.

01:49:32.000 The guy wouldn't put his hand on it.

01:49:33.000 And I go, fuck you, bitch.

01:49:34.000 And he just looked at me like he was a tough guy with his friends.

01:49:37.000 And I remember he looked at the security guard to throw me out.

01:49:40.000 He looks at the security guard, and the security guard is like...

01:49:43.000 We just smoked a joint, bitch.

01:49:44.000 I got his back.

01:49:45.000 It was very unfortunate.

01:49:46.000 He was very political and very, very deceptive.

01:49:50.000 No, he did me a favor.

01:49:51.000 Yeah, no, he didn't.

01:49:53.000 We fucked up.

01:49:55.000 I fucked up in a bunch of different ways on that show, but I fucked up with him.

01:49:58.000 I did not know he was that guy.

01:49:59.000 I thought he was a different guy.

01:50:01.000 He turned on you, dude.

01:50:02.000 Once he got in, he wanted to do it his way.

01:50:04.000 He decided that he was running shit, and it was a real problem.

01:50:06.000 Remember, day one, we walk in, and we think that we have two episodes already done.

01:50:12.000 Look, we've done all these sketches.

01:50:14.000 That's about two episodes worth.

01:50:15.000 So we walked in.

01:50:17.000 He goes, we got all these episodes ready to go.

01:50:19.000 Let's do them.

01:50:20.000 They said, Nuh-uh.

01:50:22.000 You gotta write some new shit.

01:50:23.000 Forget about that.

01:50:24.000 That's too crazy.

01:50:24.000 We're not gonna do that shit.

01:50:26.000 Start over.

01:50:26.000 Well, it's not that simple.

01:50:28.000 Well, I'm simplifying it.

01:50:29.000 They had a bunch of sketches they had already prepared.

01:50:31.000 Of course.

01:50:33.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:50:34.000 So this was day fucking one.

01:50:36.000 And day one, they put me in a room with Chris McGuire, and they go, Write some jokes about Miami.

01:50:40.000 We're gonna go to Miami.

01:50:41.000 So now I feel like I'm at high school all day.

01:50:44.000 We're trying to come up with these ideas.

01:50:46.000 I'm like, Fuck, we have all these other ideas.

01:50:48.000 What the fuck are we...

01:50:49.000 Right there, I'm new.

01:50:50.000 Like, this is day one, the first hour.

01:50:52.000 I'm like, oh, shit.

01:50:53.000 By the fucking time that nightmare day ended, Joe was there all day, too.

01:50:56.000 I go, Joe, man, I just can't fucking write here.

01:50:58.000 They're ignoring all the other sketches that we did.

01:51:00.000 And you were like, yeah, man, I can't write here either.

01:51:02.000 I mean, I had a writer's block here, too.

01:51:04.000 It's just not the right environment.

01:51:05.000 So that day, you told Giannis and the producers, hey, me and Eddie are going to write...

01:51:10.000 At home, we're gonna relax.

01:51:11.000 That's when all the creative juices come out.

01:51:13.000 They said, go ahead.

01:51:15.000 Get the fuck out of here.

01:51:16.000 We'll still pay them.

01:51:17.000 They just wanted to get rid of me.

01:51:18.000 So they...

01:51:19.000 I only worked there the first day.

01:51:21.000 And all after that was working at home.

01:51:24.000 My job was...

01:51:25.000 I had to write...

01:51:26.000 You know, we got together a lot too, but he was really busy with Fear Factor.

01:51:29.000 So if we couldn't get together, I'd write at home.

01:51:31.000 I'd have to have at least one sketch.

01:51:33.000 A day.

01:51:34.000 So I'm at home.

01:51:35.000 Meanwhile, I'm training.

01:51:36.000 I'm training for Abu Dhabi going, oh my God, this is not what I thought it was going to be.

01:51:40.000 Fuck, I just quit my strip club job, strip DJ job for 10 years.

01:51:47.000 Now I know this isn't going to last.

01:51:48.000 Day one's a disaster.

01:51:49.000 I'm like, oh my God, either the show's going to get canceled because they were green lighting a bunch of bullshit.

01:51:54.000 Every now and then occasionally something would be funny, like the Decapasac thing, the Doug Stanhope, that was hilarious.

01:51:59.000 What we needed to do with that show was we needed to have control of it.

01:52:02.000 it.

01:52:02.000 Doug had to have control of it.

01:52:03.000 And we had to have a producer that was on the same page.

01:52:07.000 And the other problem we had with that show was that it was the man show.

01:52:09.000 We should have been doing our own show.

01:52:11.000 We should not have been taking over someone else's show.

01:52:13.000 That's stupid.

01:52:13.000 To me, it was like a prepackaged show that was like it was easy.

01:52:17.000 It was like, you know, being on Fear Factor, I didn't really have the time to put something So this way, it'd be all put together.

01:52:23.000 But it was a mistake.

01:52:24.000 And it was disrespectful to those guys, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla.

01:52:27.000 I didn't even think it was at the time.

01:52:29.000 I thought they had amicably parted ways because Jimmy wanted to do his talk show and Adam wanted to do his thing.

01:52:34.000 But that wasn't the case.

01:52:36.000 They didn't want the show to continue.

01:52:38.000 They didn't want anybody else to do it.

01:52:40.000 And it was their thing, really.

01:52:41.000 So we shouldn't have done it in the first place.

01:52:42.000 I can ask you a question.

01:52:42.000 You know I love you to all my heart.

01:52:44.000 What?

01:52:44.000 Is the air conditioner close by, dog?

01:52:46.000 It's like a fucking yoga class in here.

01:52:47.000 Ha!

01:52:48.000 Put this thing a little colder, bro.

01:52:50.000 It's out in the hallway.

01:52:50.000 I can go out in the hallway.

01:52:51.000 We're going to end in a couple minutes anyway.

01:52:53.000 You're sweating profusiously.

01:52:54.000 I'm not sweating at all.

01:52:55.000 You got sweat on your fucking nose!

01:52:56.000 No, I don't.

01:52:57.000 Or is that shiny?

01:52:58.000 Dude, there's no sweat on my nose.

01:53:00.000 You got makeup on, cocksucker?

01:53:01.000 I got glistening.

01:53:02.000 I put some glistening oils.

01:53:04.000 I want to look slippery.

01:53:06.000 What time is it?

01:53:07.000 It's almost 5 o'clock.

01:53:08.000 Or 4 o'clock, rather.

01:53:09.000 Oh, man.

01:53:10.000 You want to go to 420 symbolically?

01:53:12.000 Want to end this at 420?

01:53:13.000 I don't give a fuck.

01:53:14.000 You're going to hang in there 20 minutes without air conditioning?

01:53:16.000 No, it's too fucking hot.

01:53:17.000 Oh, fuck.

01:53:18.000 Think about what McCain went through in NOM. I don't give a fuck with that cocksucker.

01:53:21.000 That was his choice.

01:53:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:53:23.000 I came up here to a house.

01:53:24.000 I thought you had the air on.

01:53:29.000 We didn't even really talk about the UFC, man.

01:53:31.000 Let's do it.

01:53:32.000 What the fuck?

01:53:33.000 Oh, yeah.

01:53:33.000 Well, we might as well, right?

01:53:35.000 What did you think about BJ and Frankie Edgar?

01:53:37.000 I thought, you know, BJ, the game plan, like when they were in between corners, they didn't seem to have a game plan.

01:53:43.000 The game plan was like kick his ass.

01:53:45.000 You know, the game plan was like, there was no leg kicks, you know?

01:53:48.000 I mean, I want to see way more leg kicks.

01:53:50.000 I thought, he can land leg kicks, he's landing them.

01:53:52.000 And every one of those leg kicks takes a spring out of your step.

01:53:54.000 You're dealing with a guy who can't, you can't catch him.

01:53:57.000 He's so fast.

01:53:57.000 Reggie Edgar's a lightning bolt.

01:53:59.000 He's all over the place.

01:53:59.000 Yeah, he's too fast, man.

01:54:01.000 But he was able to land leg kicks.

01:54:02.000 BJ landed a bunch of leg kicks.

01:54:04.000 When he tried, but the attempts were not that many.

01:54:07.000 I know it takes a lot of energy, but he should have been throwing a lot more leg kicks.

01:54:10.000 I think BJ tried his fucking ass off.

01:54:12.000 Look at the fifth round.

01:54:13.000 He went after him.

01:54:14.000 I just think Frankie Edgar is that good.

01:54:16.000 Oh, no doubt.

01:54:17.000 He's so fast.

01:54:18.000 He never gets tired.

01:54:19.000 He could do 25 rounds.

01:54:21.000 He never gets tired so fast.

01:54:22.000 His wrestling is top notch.

01:54:24.000 His striking is amazing.

01:54:25.000 He's hard to hit.

01:54:26.000 He's hard to get a hold of.

01:54:27.000 I'm not taking anything away from Frankie.

01:54:29.000 I just thought BJ's game plan, it just didn't seem right.

01:54:31.000 The game plan, I don't agree with his advice, the advice in the corner.

01:54:34.000 I don't know.

01:54:35.000 There wasn't any advice.

01:54:36.000 They were just giving him and saying, kick his ass.

01:54:38.000 Whatever that advice, whatever you want to call it.

01:54:40.000 I don't know this from that, but the last two fights against whatever, that was not the same guy seen against Diego Sanchez.

01:54:47.000 There's something more there.

01:54:48.000 Yeah, it could be a lack of motivation.

01:54:50.000 It could be, you know, he needs to mix things up.

01:54:52.000 Well, the difference between Frankie Edgar's stand-up and Diego Sanchez's stand-up, come on.

01:54:58.000 It's a huge difference.

01:55:00.000 BJ hurt Diego early on in the fight, too.

01:55:03.000 That fight was a rout.

01:55:04.000 It was perfect for BJ to have.

01:55:05.000 BJ didn't have any fucking tenacity in the two Frankie Edgar fights.

01:55:08.000 Well, it could be because Frankie Edgar counters that tenacity with his speed.

01:55:12.000 It could be that BJ gets frustrated and he gets a little disheartened.

01:55:16.000 We're seeing some evolution.

01:55:17.000 We're seeing an amazing wrestler with serious standing because for the longest time, BJ had the best hands at lightweight.

01:55:24.000 No one was fucking with BJ. He was the best boxer.

01:55:27.000 Now Frankie Edgar looks like his technique.

01:55:29.000 I mean, it's totally different, but it seems like he's just too fast, too good.

01:55:33.000 He's working too hard, and I think, you know...

01:55:36.000 Maybe BJ might, you know, switch, like you mentioned, a switch of camps maybe might not hurt or add something new.

01:55:44.000 I think Frank Yeager's kicking it to a whole other level athletically, speed-wise, endurance-wise, the way he can move.

01:55:50.000 His training camp must be insane.

01:55:51.000 He's a fucking worker, man.

01:55:53.000 He's a machine.

01:55:53.000 He's one of those little dudes you can't fuck with.

01:55:56.000 Someone's been fucking with him all of his life.

01:55:58.000 And he built up a level of tenacity that not that many people can handle.

01:56:02.000 His mentality is fucking perfect.

01:56:04.000 Yeah, he's a fucking wrestler.

01:56:04.000 He's got like Randy Couture's mentality, you know what I mean?

01:56:07.000 And his cardio and his endurance and his will.

01:56:09.000 But, you know, if you look at like the way he moves, he moves better than Randy.

01:56:13.000 Oh, no, no.

01:56:13.000 For sure.

01:56:14.000 I'm talking about the mental game.

01:56:15.000 And, you know, people are saying, oh, he's not stopping people.

01:56:17.000 He's stopping some people.

01:56:18.000 What you have to realize, though, is he's quite a bit smaller than everybody else in the division.

01:56:22.000 He's 154 pounds for real, legit.

01:56:25.000 I think, ultimately, he's throwing with evil intentions.

01:56:28.000 He just hasn't developed the power yet.

01:56:30.000 But I believe, you know, within the next couple years, two, three years, maybe five years, he's going to be crushing people.

01:56:36.000 He comes in to blast 100% now with BJ. He hurt Veach, and Veach is a tough guy.

01:56:43.000 He dropped him before he strangled him.

01:56:45.000 His stand-up when he was fighting with Sean Shirk, he totally out-kickboxed Sean Shirk.

01:56:50.000 He's a bad motherfucker, dude.

01:56:52.000 It's going to be interesting, though, the rematch with Gray Maynard.

01:56:54.000 That's going to be very interesting.

01:56:56.000 Maynard's a hard guy to beat, man.

01:56:57.000 You complain all you want about his style.

01:57:00.000 He presents problems.

01:57:01.000 What's the solution to that problem?

01:57:03.000 You've got to be able to stop him from taking you down, man.

01:57:05.000 He's a powerful motherfucker, and he's a good wrestler.

01:57:07.000 Or you gotta have a wicked fucking Dustin Hazlitt guard or something, you know?

01:57:11.000 Even more than wicked than Dustin Hazlitt, really, right?

01:57:13.000 Because Dustin Hazlitt couldn't do shit against Rick Story, you know?

01:57:17.000 It's more, he needs like some fucking Aoki guard.

01:57:19.000 Well, he's going down to 55 because he should be there.

01:57:23.000 Clearly, Ricky Story was three times stronger than Dustin Hazlitt.

01:57:27.000 Right, but so, you know, Josh Berkman's strong as fuck, too, and Dustin had no problem with him.

01:57:32.000 Yeah, but I think Ricky Story is stronger than Josh Birkman, dude.

01:57:36.000 He's from Washington, and he's rolled with Gerald, one of my black belts, a lot.

01:57:40.000 And Gerald, he calls me to tell me about the roles with Ricky Story.

01:57:44.000 He said he's fucking amazing.

01:57:45.000 He's just so powerful and good.

01:57:48.000 Very technical.

01:57:50.000 You're going to see him start to develop some finishing, too.

01:57:53.000 He's all into evolving and adding...

01:57:55.000 Weapons to his game constantly.

01:57:58.000 He's into that.

01:57:59.000 He's young and tenacious.

01:58:00.000 He's so powerful.

01:58:01.000 And his fucking mental game, that guy goes in there and he loves to destroy.

01:58:07.000 He can't wait to get in there.

01:58:08.000 Dude, when he attacked Hazlitt up against the cage, he started ripping his body with punches.

01:58:12.000 It's very hard to deal with.

01:58:14.000 Hazlitt was doing everything he could just to stay alive.

01:58:17.000 This guy was just crushing him with punches.

01:58:19.000 Boom, boom, boom.

01:58:22.000 What do you think about Randy and Tony?

01:58:24.000 Frankie Edgar might need to...

01:58:25.000 Oh, go ahead.

01:58:27.000 Frankie Edgar might really need to take his guard game to the next level.

01:58:33.000 I was impressed with him off his back, man.

01:58:35.000 I was impressed at how he recovered when BJ mounted him.

01:58:37.000 BJ mounted him, got a hold of him.

01:58:39.000 Usually you're dead when BJ mounts you.

01:58:41.000 BJ mounts you, it's usually over.

01:58:44.000 That's his shit.

01:58:45.000 He's got so much energy, man.

01:58:47.000 He just keeps pushing.

01:58:49.000 He doesn't give up, man.

01:58:50.000 He does not give up.

01:58:52.000 You know, some guys rest.

01:58:53.000 If BJ mounts you to rest and you're like, oh, fuck, now I got to get out of this.

01:58:56.000 But let me bide my time for a big explosion.

01:58:57.000 Frankie, the moment he got taken down was move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move.

01:59:02.000 I'm out.

01:59:03.000 Yeah.

01:59:03.000 Obviously, BJ's guard wasn't good enough to really threaten Frankie Edgar, really.

01:59:09.000 I mean, Frankie Edgar has great defense.

01:59:11.000 His jiu-jitsu is awesome, too.

01:59:13.000 But what I did like about Vijay is his guard recovery, his butterflies, and his foot-on-the-hip control.

01:59:20.000 Goddamn, it was really beautiful to see.

01:59:22.000 And again, you know, he didn't really attack that much off his back, but his recovery is just amazing.

01:59:29.000 He really uses his flexibility well.

01:59:31.000 And when he had both his feet on Frankie's hips, that's just serious, amazing Yoda control, you know.

01:59:39.000 Yeah, no, he's badass in controlling guys like that, but not enough to finish guys.

01:59:43.000 It's weird that B.J. is such a jiu-jitsu master, but yet he doesn't really finish guys off of his back.

01:59:48.000 You know, he's had problems in a lot of fights where guys can take him down and hold him down.

01:59:51.000 You know, that was obviously the problem in the George St. Pierre fight, and that was obviously the problem when Frankie Edgar took him down, too.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 02, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #39 - Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo (Part 1)

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Transcript