The Joe Rogan Experience - January 21, 2010


Joe Rogan Experience #5 - Ari Shaffir & John Heffron (Part 2)

Topics
paparazzi rant guns injecting silicone into dick National Guard concussion damage in football training and sparring techniques
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ari Shaffir John Heffron
Mentioned
Brian Holtzman John Travolta George W. Bush Kirk Cameron Joe Dirksen Soulja Boy John Heffron Brian Murphy Michael Jackson Jimmy Dottilio Jamie Eddie Doug Crocodile Dundee Herschel Walker Danny Bonaduce Bobby Slayton Patrick Cote Colin Miller Take Viagra and 61 more
Joe Rogan Experience #4 - Brian Redban Joe Rogan Experience #6 - Brian Redban

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 12 minutes

Words per minute

199.77

Word count

14,553

Sentence count

1,812

Harmful content

Misogyny

80

sentences flagged

Toxicity

582

sentences flagged

Hate speech

61

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On this week's episode of the Joe Rogan Experience, the boys talk about pot. They discuss the pros and cons of using it, what it does to your brain, and what it doesn't do to your mind. They also discuss the benefits and negatives of marijuana, and how it can make you more alert and alert to the world around you. They also talk about how much better it is to be a stand-up comedian than being a talk show host, and why it's better than being on a TV show where you don't have to do anything other than talk to people and have them pay attention to what you're doing. The boys also discuss what it's like being a standup comedian and how you should approach it in order to get the most out of your time on the job. And of course, there's a special guest appearance from their good friend Ryan from Conan! Enjoy, and spread the word to your friends and family about this podcast! -Joe Rogan and the Rogans Experience! Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Artwork by Ian Dorsch and Matt Knost, and our sponsors: and . is a production of SPOTIFY, and is available on all major podcast directories, including Audible, Podcoin, and Podcoin. . . . is available for purchase on Poshmark, iTunes, and all major Podcast directories, as well. We are working on a new ad-free version of the show. , and will be shipping soon! Thank you for supporting the show, and we are looking out for your support, too! and we will be giving you the best customer service and support you get the best of the best reviews, and the best coffee in the best service in the place you can find the best listening experience in the world, the most authentic coffee, the best in the country in the whole world. and the most affordable and the coolest places in the most beautiful place on the best at the best places around the place, and most of the country gets the best, the only place that gets the most of everything you can get the coolest reviews and most authentic experience, the biggest of the place , the best tips and the only thing you get most of it all, and they get the highest service on the most AMAZING reviews

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 And then he realized that his friends were telling...
00:00:02.000 Ustream just stopped our recording for some reason.
00:00:05.000 Alright.
00:00:05.000 The man, probably.
00:00:07.000 The fucking man. 1.00
00:00:08.000 Okay, now it's back on him. 1.00
00:00:09.000 The man, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:11.000 Refresh your browsers, people. 1.00
00:00:13.000 The man, apparently, was just fucking our ass. 1.00
00:00:17.000 That's crazy. 1.00
00:00:17.000 Like, it just went off air, and then everything came back on by itself. 1.00
00:00:21.000 I don't know.
00:00:25.000 Yeah, he took it with his friends because he wanted to be a downer because they were all taken.
00:00:27.000 Yeah, this is you telling the story. 1.00
00:00:29.000 And he would smoke and he was like, fuck it. 1.00
00:00:30.000 But he didn't feel anything. 1.00
00:00:31.000 So he was like, alright.
00:00:32.000 But then he didn't want to be the one left out. 1.00
00:00:33.000 So he was like, fuck it, I'll smoke with you guys. 1.00
00:00:35.000 He would pass it and he was like, take some. 0.99
00:00:36.000 And then he realized, for the first time in years and years, he could actually sit there without his legs and arms cramping up.
00:00:41.000 What about Sean Rousey?
00:00:43.000 Maybe it could help him.
00:00:44.000 I don't know.
00:00:45.000 There's no way that guy does not smoke pot.
00:00:47.000 No.
00:00:47.000 Doug doesn't.
00:00:48.000 Doug doesn't smoke weed.
00:00:49.000 You would think that Doug would smoke weed.
00:00:51.000 Stanhope does not like weed.
00:00:52.000 Really?
00:00:53.000 Yeah.
00:00:54.000 I've done mushrooms with Stanhope.
00:00:57.000 We did DMT. No, not weed, huh?
00:01:01.000 He'll go to other dimensions with you.
00:01:02.000 Why does he do pot?
00:01:03.000 Pot makes him paranoid.
00:01:05.000 I understand that.
00:01:06.000 That's negative side effects of everything for everybody.
00:01:08.000 Well, I think what the paranoia that pot gives you is really, it's almost like the opposite of alcohol.
00:01:13.000 Because alcohol makes you look through a tube.
00:01:16.000 Alcohol, you're like looking at the world through a, yeah, woo-hoo tube.
00:01:19.000 You're not seeing, but marijuana is the opposite.
00:01:22.000 Marijuana releases your blinders.
00:01:25.000 I see it in front of me, Brian.
00:01:27.000 It went off and brought home for a second and it blipped.
00:01:29.000 Did it?
00:01:29.000 Yeah.
00:01:30.000 Just so you guys know, it's not me fucking it up. 0.98
00:01:32.000 Ustream's just fucking up right now. 1.00
00:01:34.000 If you can't see Redman, he's actually sticking his cock into the computer trying to fuck it. 1.00
00:01:39.000 Listen, you can't blame Brian, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00
00:01:41.000 Don't be mean. 1.00
00:01:42.000 This is difficult to figure all this stupid shit out. 0.99
00:01:44.000 Ultimately, I would love to have this on my website, on JoeRogan.net, but right now I don't think the technology is available. 0.99
00:01:50.000 It's not quite ready.
00:01:52.000 But this is ideally the best way to do a show. 0.93
00:01:54.000 This is way more fun than doing some show that's on television that nobody gives a shit about. 0.99
00:02:00.000 We can do whatever the fuck we want. 0.99
00:02:01.000 You don't have to look at it. 0.99
00:02:03.000 I don't want anything from you.
00:02:04.000 No one's getting paid.
00:02:06.000 Just for fun.
00:02:08.000 you know I didn't have interesting people over and talk right I mean what times you done what's my brother I'm just they're all blaming me yeah right here you run another I rate Ryan on this in the Conan situation time to be done like a talk show and it's like you prepare for it's like a big deal and then you you know sit down and talk to someone for like seven And you're like, I didn't even say anything.
00:02:32.000 We didn't even get to talk about anything.
00:02:33.000 I mean, I had a few topics that kind of got out of the way a little bit, but barely said anything.
00:02:38.000 And every one of those shows are set up for that reason, that it's just nothing.
00:02:42.000 You just leave there going, that was nothing.
00:02:44.000 I didn't say anything.
00:02:45.000 I didn't even...
00:02:46.000 And then everybody goes, that was a great appearance.
00:02:48.000 And you go, oh, thank you.
00:02:49.000 I said two words.
00:02:50.000 It's like if you're on Chelsea Handler's show, those guys on there say like four or five words.
00:02:56.000 That's it.
00:02:57.000 And then you're done.
00:02:58.000 Yeah.
00:02:58.000 And then they're done.
00:02:59.000 Yeah, it's real weird.
00:03:00.000 And then people go, oh, you were great on the show.
00:03:01.000 But that's what they want.
00:03:02.000 They want a short attention span, bing bang, see this guy real quick.
00:03:06.000 But if you want to go for just a shot in the dark with people, that's what you should give them.
00:03:16.000 You should give them the shortest, quickest little things as fast as you can so they don't lose interest.
00:03:20.000 Yeah.
00:03:21.000 At the end of the day, do you want the people that lose interest that easy to pay attention to you?
00:03:26.000 You don't.
00:03:27.000 You have to get them because you're doing a numbers game. 0.98
00:03:30.000 But then again, how many times have you seen a YouTube clip and you start to open it up and you see nine and a half minutes and you're like, fuck it, I don't even want to start. 0.87
00:03:37.000 We're all those people. 0.82
00:03:38.000 Yeah, but a YouTube clip is totally different than something like this. 0.87
00:03:42.000 This is cool because you can throw this on at work and you're doing some boring fucking thing at work You can throw this on and watch it while you do it and just enjoy a bunch of people hanging around talking. 0.71
00:03:54.000 I like doing that. 0.99
00:03:55.000 I like watching fucking Soulja Boy. 0.99
00:03:57.000 You know who Soulja Boy is? 1.00
00:03:59.000 I like watching him.
00:04:00.000 You know why I like watching him?
00:04:02.000 Because he's having a good time.
00:04:03.000 I like watching that girl on the train.
00:04:05.000 Did you see that video?
00:04:06.000 The girl on the train harshly singing Soulja Boy at some old lady.
00:04:10.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.98
00:04:11.000 All black people. 0.91
00:04:12.000 That has nothing to do with the story, but they all happen to be black. 0.93
00:04:15.000 Yeah.
00:04:16.000 Did you see that?
00:04:16.000 That was the greatest video.
00:04:17.000 And then somebody put the subtitles to understand what she was saying.
00:04:22.000 So crazy.
00:04:23.000 I like watching that kid.
00:04:24.000 You know why?
00:04:25.000 Because he's like 19 years old. 0.99
00:04:27.000 He's worth some fucking insane amount of money. 0.99
00:04:30.000 He's got diamonds all over his body. 0.99
00:04:32.000 He's tattooed himself. 1.00
00:04:33.000 Tattooed his fucking face. 1.00
00:04:35.000 Tattooed his neck, his arms, his chest, everything. 1.00
00:04:38.000 In every video that I watch, he's talking shit, dancing, and freestyle rapping, talking about haters, talking about all the girls he's fucking, talking about how much money he has, and how pretty he is. 1.00
00:04:50.000 I enjoy the fuck out of it. 1.00
00:04:51.000 I really do. 0.99
00:04:52.000 To me, it's entertaining as shit, man. 0.99
00:04:55.000 Type of program that would follow your brain so you can look at everything you searched in one evening. 1.00
00:05:01.000 Oh, that's next, dude.
00:05:01.000 That's going to be the next Twitter.
00:05:03.000 The next Twitter is you're going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching.
00:05:06.000 Yeah.
00:05:07.000 Well, you could search.
00:05:08.000 Well, I somehow went from I started looking up Riding Dirty, the song, all cut to Star Trek Rathacom.
00:05:28.000 So it was all clips.
00:05:29.000 So Colin was riding dirty.
00:05:31.000 And I don't know how my brain even...
00:05:32.000 How did I even get there?
00:05:34.000 I love to see it.
00:05:34.000 You're right.
00:05:35.000 I love to see it.
00:05:36.000 Oh, I'm going to watch his clips of something...
00:05:39.000 Conan said something funny in Leno.
00:05:40.000 And then you clip that and the next thing you know I'm on Soldier Boy on...
00:05:44.000 And you had a wonderful time though.
00:05:46.000 I go on YouTube rides and I go on porn rides too. 1.00
00:05:49.000 Where, you know, you're going to start out normal, and next thing you know, it's big dicks and Asians blowjobs. 1.00
00:05:55.000 You get real specific. 1.00
00:05:56.000 Yeah, yeah, and then you're typing stuff.
00:05:58.000 That's what, it's wrecked my porn. 1.00
00:05:59.000 Go back to your first video, you watch that night, it's just a girl with big tits blowing somebody. 1.00
00:06:03.000 That's kind of hot. 0.99
00:06:04.000 And then how did I get to girls that work at Kinko's that... 1.00
00:06:10.000 Horrifying ass-fucking. 1.00
00:06:12.000 That's really kind of one of the craziest things about porn on the internet. 1.00
00:06:15.000 You can just, anybody from their computer directly goes to it.
00:06:18.000 There's no stopping it. 1.00
00:06:19.000 You can go right to a dick going in an asshole. 1.00
00:06:22.000 You don't have to pay. 1.00
00:06:23.000 You don't have to subscribe.
00:06:25.000 I think that's what desensitize people to it so much in the last few years. 0.99
00:06:28.000 Well, they say girls are taken in the ass all the time now. 1.00
00:06:30.000 Well, I saw on one of the porn sites, they had like a comments section underneath the thing. 0.99
00:06:36.000 So, where people are complaining about, oh, that girl looks beat on that girl, and maybe because I'm older, like, whatever happened just being excited, you're seeing porn.
00:06:45.000 Now we're so desensitized, I'm going to judge that chick. 1.00
00:06:48.000 Nah, she's not.
00:06:50.000 Wait a minute.
00:06:51.000 Everybody always judges chicks. 0.98
00:06:52.000 These are professional hot chicks. 1.00
00:06:54.000 I know, but the old days, you were just happy to see porn. 1.00
00:06:56.000 Oh my god, they're having sex! 0.99
00:06:58.000 We can see it! 0.97
00:06:58.000 Now I'm going to judge that. 0.97
00:07:00.000 Even back in the 80s, I had my favorites.
00:07:03.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:07:04.000 Misty Reigns. 0.96
00:07:05.000 I can't do professional porn anymore.
00:07:07.000 I have to have it amateur.
00:07:08.000 I have to have it on a cell phone.
00:07:10.000 I have to have it fake. 1.00
00:07:13.000 If I see a flashbulb go off in the room, I'm like, fuck this. 0.99
00:07:16.000 I need to know if this is the-- So it simulates you. 0.99
00:07:20.000 Take me out of it.
00:07:21.000 Yeah, it does.
00:07:22.000 You're feeling like this is really two people that like each other.
00:07:25.000 Or just are having real sex. 0.66
00:07:27.000 The chick's just looking at her watch. 0.99
00:07:30.000 There's a porn site for people who like each other. 1.00
00:07:34.000 Her pussy's just numb. 1.00
00:07:36.000 Her pussy's just beat the fuck up. 1.00
00:07:38.000 I don't want to... 1.00
00:07:39.000 There's a whole genre of porn that's... 0.96
00:07:43.000 Couple porn. 0.82
00:07:43.000 People like each other and it's not all, oh yeah, yeah, you like that. 0.82
00:07:47.000 It's a little bit...
00:07:48.000 Girls are hot. 1.00
00:07:49.000 I want girls to be fucked. 1.00
00:07:51.000 I just want to know that they're getting fucked. 1.00
00:07:52.000 Are you a voyeur, Brian? 1.00
00:07:53.000 What?
00:07:54.000 Generally?
00:07:54.000 Are you like a voyeur?
00:07:55.000 No, not really.
00:07:56.000 I just want to know, like, it's real.
00:07:58.000 Yeah, it's going on. 1.00
00:07:58.000 She's fucking... 1.00
00:07:59.000 It's amazing how many girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face. 1.00
00:08:03.000 There's a lot of that, man.
00:08:06.000 I love it.
00:08:06.000 You like that?
00:08:07.000 I like doing it.
00:08:08.000 I don't like watching it.
00:08:09.000 Yeah, I don't like that. 0.92
00:08:12.000 I didn't expect to love it, but I fucking loved it. 0.85
00:08:15.000 Tell the story, please. 0.99
00:08:17.000 She was like, hit me.
00:08:17.000 I was like, come on, hit me.
00:08:19.000 And I was like, alright. 0.99
00:08:19.000 And by the end, I was fucking, boom, with a follow through on the backhand. 0.99
00:08:22.000 Like, hard. 0.99
00:08:23.000 And she was into it. 0.86
00:08:24.000 It was so fucking awesome. 0.74
00:08:25.000 How bad did you hurt her face? 1.00
00:08:26.000 Fuck that. 1.00
00:08:27.000 She took it. 1.00
00:08:28.000 I don't know.
00:08:28.000 She didn't bleed.
00:08:29.000 Didn't open her up.
00:08:30.000 Oh my god.
00:08:32.000 That's what I would think too.
00:08:33.000 That the girl would then go, oh, thanks.
00:08:36.000 Yeah, this guy just knocked me around. 0.99
00:08:38.000 You've got to think of a chick so crazy she wants you to beat her up. 1.00
00:08:41.000 She can easily go to the police. 0.82
00:08:43.000 Yeah, and then what are you going to say?
00:08:44.000 She wanted... 1.00
00:08:45.000 I'm like, also you should look at her ass because that is fucking red. 1.00
00:08:49.000 Rape is a horrible, terrible thing. 1.00
00:08:52.000 But so is pretending you've been raped. 0.99
00:08:55.000 I mean, how many people have heard stories about a girl gets mad at a guy and just decides to tell people that he raped her? 0.92
00:09:00.000 I had a friend who worked.
00:09:03.000 He played for the Detroit Lions when I was in Detroit and that happened to him.
00:09:07.000 It was with two girls back at his place.
00:09:09.000 Super nice guy. 0.84
00:09:10.000 The one girl jokingly said, you know what we could do is we could say that you raped us, but how much money would we get? 1.00
00:09:16.000 And they were like, she said it as a joke. 0.57
00:09:18.000 So immediately he said, let's go.
00:09:20.000 Knocked on his neighbor's door and said, hey, whatever.
00:09:24.000 Meet my two friends.
00:09:25.000 So he'd have one other person to see their condition when they left.
00:09:29.000 So they couldn't then make up this story.
00:09:31.000 Then I had another kind of famous friend.
00:09:34.000 He would, every time he'd hook up with a girl in a room...
00:09:36.000 He was, like, way famous.
00:09:37.000 He'd go to the front desk girl, he'd walk out that girl. 0.97
00:09:40.000 Whoever was there, he would stop, so that girl would talk to that person, so there was one other person that, see, she didn't run out all disheveled, like, what just happened to me?
00:09:50.000 Just as a backup.
00:09:51.000 Because you honestly just want to go to bed and be like, see you later.
00:09:54.000 Yeah, but you don't know that girl, so you always have to...
00:09:56.000 Well, I think, you know, to a lot of people, people that are, like, famous, like some famous rock star or something like that, that person is, like, they're so unfair.
00:10:05.000 Their situation.
00:10:07.000 It's so unfair how much more they have.
00:10:09.000 How much more money.
00:10:11.000 How much better their life is.
00:10:12.000 It's so unfair that people feel like you owe them something.
00:10:15.000 Like you got an unfair amount.
00:10:17.000 So they're trying to take from you.
00:10:19.000 There's a lot of people who don't even feel bad about fake lawsuits.
00:10:23.000 They don't even feel bad.
00:10:24.000 They feel like they're going to get that money.
00:10:25.000 They're like, oh, the rich.
00:10:25.000 Have the rich, man.
00:10:27.000 Fuck the rich. 1.00
00:10:28.000 How'd you make that money? 1.00
00:10:29.000 If someone got fucked over. 0.99
00:10:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:10:31.000 Paparazzi's are the worst at that, man. 1.00
00:10:33.000 "Oh, he just run over my foot." Did you see that thing the other day?
00:10:36.000 And they like, played back the video and he didn't even get hit by the car.
00:10:39.000 And he was just trying to hit. - Hey, couldn't the paparazzi rant?
00:10:42.000 I always think of like have some kind of thing where you hit one button and you zap all the electronic computers that are around you.
00:10:48.000 Yeah.
00:10:49.000 They have this spray.
00:10:50.000 You know what?
00:10:52.000 The paparazzi is the same thing.
00:10:53.000 They're just a bunch of people that are making a living doing something negative and they don't need to do that.
00:10:59.000 They can do something else.
00:11:00.000 But it's also sort of negative because a lot of times they call those people and say, I'll be at the Ivy, come meet me out front.
00:11:04.000 Right.
00:11:04.000 And go after them.
00:11:05.000 There's a lot of people that like it.
00:11:06.000 But when you're like chasing someone and someone's all upset with you, like they got their kids or something.
00:11:10.000 Like Dr. Drew.
00:11:11.000 By the way, we were talking about Dr. Drew.
00:11:13.000 I think his stance on Pod is retarded, but he's a really nice guy. 1.00
00:11:15.000 I've done his show, the Loveline show, and I've met him a bunch of times.
00:11:19.000 He's a really cool guy. 0.99
00:11:20.000 And he told me that he was in Hawaii, and the fucking paparazzi were taking pictures of his kids. 0.99
00:11:26.000 Him and his kids. 0.99
00:11:27.000 Just in case it was worth something.
00:11:29.000 Well, it was worth something.
00:11:30.000 They make money, man.
00:11:32.000 If you get a juicy picture, you can make some mad moves.
00:11:35.000 How about that picture of John Travolta kissing that dude?
00:11:38.000 Somebody got paid for that.
00:11:40.000 How bad was he kissing?
00:11:41.000 I saw one of the lips.
00:11:44.000 When you freeze frame a kiss, it'll never look like a casual pet.
00:11:49.000 It's awesome.
00:11:50.000 I love how John Travolta rocks a fabulous wig.
00:11:53.000 In some pictures he's balding, in other pictures he's got the best head of hair ever.
00:11:59.000 It's awesome. 0.99
00:12:00.000 The TMZ, I saw one of the guys who works on TMZ, one of the guys, said, we saw so-and-so at the airport, and I wanted to go up to him so bad with a camera and just stick it in his face and ask some dumb questions.
00:12:11.000 I probably could have sold that back to TMZ. That's one of the things I wanted to do as a sketch.
00:12:14.000 Just do it. 1.00
00:12:15.000 Just go fucking... 1.00
00:12:16.000 Or can the guy that does TMZ, can he handle that 15-minute show without taking a drink of water? 1.00
00:12:21.000 Because he has like his sippy cup that he just...
00:12:23.000 There's no way that's water. 1.00
00:12:24.000 That's so dumb. 0.98
00:12:25.000 It's evil because those guys are making fun of people that are on TV yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is enjoying all the fame they're getting from being on the show. 1.00
00:12:36.000 But that's legitimate too because some people like the way they're bitchy. 1.00
00:12:40.000 They wish they could be that bitchy, and they like watching them. 1.00
00:12:43.000 It's like a form of entertainment. 0.99
00:12:44.000 It's a lot of what the Chelsea Handler show is too, where they're like, let's shit on people we wish we could work with. 0.97
00:12:47.000 Yes. 0.95
00:12:48.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:12:51.000 But you know what?
00:12:52.000 There's a place for that too.
00:12:53.000 It's the same thing as rich people that get upset at poor people. 0.99
00:12:57.000 It's like, people who are not famous, they're like, fuck him, pick out, go after Tiger Woods, go find him. 1.00
00:13:01.000 He's got a billion dollars, fuck him. 1.00
00:13:03.000 Some woman actually said this on the Jimmy Kimball show. 1.00
00:13:06.000 She was running a website where people could find people's houses.
00:13:10.000 No, no, no.
00:13:11.000 You would say where the celebrity is at any given moment.
00:13:14.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:13:15.000 And Jimmy Kimmel was like, don't you understand that there's stalkers and this could be dangerous?
00:13:20.000 And she goes, well, I'm sure that they sleep well on all their money.
00:13:24.000 Like, on a bed full of money.
00:13:26.000 And it's like, really?
00:13:28.000 Like, that's how you look at it?
00:13:29.000 Like, you're willing to put people...
00:13:30.000 Yeah.
00:13:31.000 Put people, like, especially young girls... 0.98
00:13:33.000 Like, you know how some dudes get fucking really nutty about young girls? 0.99
00:13:37.000 Like, they get crazy. 0.99
00:13:38.000 Like, that one girl that got shot...
00:13:40.000 It was like, when I first came to Hollywood...
00:13:42.000 Some girl got shot.
00:13:43.000 It was on a TV show.
00:13:45.000 She was really pretty.
00:13:49.000 She was a 22 year old star.
00:13:53.000 She became famous when she was young.
00:13:56.000 Some dude just got obsessed with her, found out where she lived.
00:13:58.000 She opened the door and shot her in the chest. 1.00
00:14:01.000 People don't understand how scary stalkers are.
00:14:03.000 When I used to do radio in Detroit, this girl was in 15, 16 page letters, not one piece of white left on the paper.
00:14:11.000 So it was written sideways anyway about... 0.97
00:14:15.000 I had fun going out with you, looking for houses, shit that never happened, you know? 0.99
00:14:19.000 I heard about your secret messages, da-da-da, and then she went away, and then she came back, and every time I'd be in Detroit, she would leave these letters, when your wife's gone, and it's just us, you know, crazy stuff, so I went to go get a restraining order against her, because she was showing up at my shows, and would find out where I would be, and the judge wouldn't- Did you fuck her? 1.00
00:14:39.000 No, no, no. 0.99
00:14:40.000 Good gosh, no.
00:14:41.000 But it was...
00:14:42.000 Nothing, nothing, nothing.
00:14:44.000 I think Greg was like, oh, well, yeah.
00:14:46.000 Yeah, yeah, totally.
00:14:47.000 I just wanted to know.
00:14:47.000 No, no.
00:14:48.000 I'm just trying to figure out how far back was this.
00:14:50.000 Yeah, yeah, no.
00:14:50.000 How many years ago was this?
00:14:51.000 It was...
00:14:52.000 It's been about 10, 15 years.
00:14:55.000 And the judge would not give up?
00:14:57.000 He wanted to hear her side of the story.
00:15:00.000 Now, I had a stack of papers this big of her saying... 1.00
00:15:04.000 She came to the radio station I worked at with some of my stuff.
00:15:07.000 She goes, John left us.
00:15:08.000 It was an empty can of tuna fish.
00:15:11.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:15:12.000 Junk mail and baby shoes.
00:15:14.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:15:15.000 So she got to your house?
00:15:16.000 No, this was from her place, I guess.
00:15:19.000 And then I had stacks of letters saying, I hear the secret messages that you're giving me.
00:15:24.000 I will respond to them.
00:15:25.000 When you say this, it means this.
00:15:26.000 But when you go to file a restraining order, the judge, you get less than a paragraph to write why.
00:15:33.000 You don't get to hand in any of the psycho stuff.
00:15:36.000 And then he saw that, and then the guy who did it for me goes, he's a dude. 1.00
00:15:40.000 He probably thinks you're a pussy that you can't handle. 1.00
00:15:45.000 No, because I'm a guy and I have this girl stalker. 1.00
00:15:49.000 The judge thinks that. 1.00
00:15:50.000 Yeah, it's like, you're a pussy. 1.00
00:15:51.000 You're a guy. 1.00
00:15:51.000 Handle the girl. 1.00
00:15:52.000 Don't bring us involved.
00:15:53.000 It was his attitude.
00:15:55.000 So I couldn't find it.
00:15:57.000 That was the judge's attitude?
00:15:58.000 That's what the guy at the court said.
00:15:59.000 That was that long ago?
00:16:00.000 That was before that chick got murdered. 1.00
00:16:02.000 No, this, I tried doing this a couple years ago.
00:16:06.000 But it doesn't, a year ago, but it doesn't apply to California.
00:16:09.000 So I go through all this work, get it done in Michigan...
00:16:12.000 They come out to California.
00:16:13.000 Doesn't mean anything.
00:16:14.000 You gotta re-file one in California.
00:16:16.000 She flies to Texas to see you.
00:16:18.000 Doesn't matter.
00:16:19.000 Now you have to file one in Texas.
00:16:21.000 Really?
00:16:21.000 So I couldn't imagine...
00:16:22.000 Let's not put this information on the internet.
00:16:24.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:16:25.000 Hey, you know Brittany Murphy, the actress, just died?
00:16:28.000 Yeah.
00:16:32.000 I've been doing a tour of all the talk shows and I got to catch it today on the Today Show. 0.99
00:16:37.000 It's how fucked up, your daughter just died and they're just sitting there for no reason, not promoting anything. 0.96
00:16:43.000 We're not trying to do anything, but I've seen them on four different talk shows in the last week. 1.00
00:16:49.000 It's weird, but they do it for money and they do it just to like the people's attention or whatever or say something about their daughter.
00:16:54.000 The worst is like, coming up we have Brittany Murphy's mom and Brittany Murphy's mom just sitting there and she knows the camera's on and she goes, And it was...
00:17:03.000 She's not crying randomly.
00:17:06.000 No, no, no.
00:17:07.000 You find it on Hulu or whatever, and it is disturbing to watch.
00:17:12.000 It was so gross, and the husband was so...
00:17:15.000 What was the accusation?
00:17:16.000 You still don't know?
00:17:18.000 Isn't there a current...
00:17:21.000 The worst thing was drugs, but then they said diabetes or something like that was also involved.
00:17:30.000 I don't think it was a weird situation at all.
00:17:32.000 Really? 0.96
00:17:33.000 Everybody's talking about heroin and all that jazz and so bullshit. 0.98
00:17:37.000 They still don't know yet, but that's kind of weird that they still don't know. 0.96
00:17:41.000 But isn't it kind of weird that the husband did want an autopsy?
00:17:45.000 Yes. 0.98
00:17:46.000 I think that's very fucking weird. 0.99
00:17:47.000 Man, if a 30-year-old person dies, you want to know what the fuck happened. 1.00
00:17:50.000 They're not Jewish, are they? 1.00
00:17:52.000 He doesn't look Jewish.
00:17:53.000 Why?
00:17:54.000 It's against religion. 0.97
00:17:55.000 It's against religion?
00:17:57.000 Yeah, but you also eat bacon. 1.00
00:17:59.000 Damn, but what happens if you murder a Jew, though? 1.00
00:18:01.000 That's fucking crazy. 1.00
00:18:02.000 That makes it easy to murder you guys. 1.00
00:18:04.000 No, no, no. 0.99
00:18:06.000 You're misunderstanding.
00:18:08.000 You actually haven't thought this out.
00:18:09.000 We're not.
00:18:10.000 They all have stuff on our bodies.
00:18:12.000 We can get them on your bodies. 0.95
00:18:13.000 Yeah, but you, you're dead. 1.00
00:18:15.000 But if I just poisoned you, you're dead. 0.99
00:18:16.000 The cops can't give you an autopsy. 0.97
00:18:18.000 We just poisoned that, but now they're not going to know.
00:18:22.000 And you've been drinking it! 0.99
00:18:26.000 Suicide. 1.00
00:18:27.000 Weird naked choked himself to death. 0.99
00:18:32.000 That's the story. 0.97
00:18:34.000 I'm sticking to it.
00:18:35.000 Yeah, no autopsies.
00:18:36.000 I think there are certain situations where they say if They're afraid it might be like a congenitive, is that a word?
00:18:43.000 Heart disease?
00:18:44.000 Where like the kids should know if they should get treated for it.
00:18:46.000 Congenital, I think.
00:18:48.000 Congenital, right?
00:18:48.000 Then they'll allow it.
00:18:48.000 Congenital or congenitive?
00:18:50.000 I don't know.
00:18:50.000 But they still allow it.
00:18:51.000 They still allow it for that, but not just randomly to figure out what the cause of death is.
00:18:54.000 They're like, he's dead.
00:18:55.000 Yeah, but any time a young actress dies and there's medication around and there's a lot of money involved, they will automatically do it, no matter what.
00:19:04.000 Whenever somebody says don't, yeah, or won't answer your questions.
00:19:07.000 If I die, they'll be like, eh, don't waste the money.
00:19:10.000 People are like, come on, this is depressing.
00:19:12.000 Change the topic.
00:19:13.000 Hey, do you guys like cats?
00:19:15.000 What do you think about Oprah?
00:19:17.000 She's so generous.
00:19:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:19:22.000 No, paparazzi don't give a shit about me. 0.98
00:19:23.000 Somebody asked me if the paparazzi chased me. 0.99
00:19:25.000 They would make zero dollars off my pictures.
00:19:28.000 There's no benefit in taking pictures of me.
00:19:30.000 You have to stay just under that level of fame. 0.98
00:19:33.000 You have to stay in the level of fame where nobody gives a fuck. 0.96
00:19:35.000 So you can still work and you don't have to worry about your bills and you can go out to dinner. 0.91
00:19:39.000 But you don't want to...
00:19:41.000 Don't get crazy.
00:19:42.000 The best...
00:19:42.000 I was with Renazisi at the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Tour, like, premiere.
00:19:45.000 And then there's a party, like, across the street at some hip club, whatever, in Hollywood.
00:19:49.000 And, uh...
00:19:50.000 So we leave, and all the popular out there waiting for Vince Vaughn and Justin Long and stuff. 0.95
00:19:54.000 And Renazisi's like, Beat it, you degenerates! 1.00
00:19:56.000 You're a fucking piece of shit! 1.00
00:19:57.000 You know, he's, like, giving it to them. 1.00
00:19:58.000 And they were like...
00:19:59.000 Hey, the guy from Punks.
00:20:00.000 He goes, oh, hey!
00:20:01.000 Yeah, that's me, everybody.
00:20:01.000 How are you?
00:20:03.000 Oh, no.
00:20:07.000 He's cracked.
00:20:09.000 That's funny.
00:20:11.000 That's hilarious.
00:20:12.000 Yeah, you know, you can't go to places like... 1.00
00:20:14.000 You know who's the best at staying out of that shit? 0.99
00:20:16.000 In controversial life, if you consider him, Mark Wahlberg. 0.99
00:20:20.000 That guy's never in the tabloids.
00:20:21.000 He's a giant movie star.
00:20:23.000 He stars in gigantic blockbuster movies, and yet he's never in the tabloids.
00:20:29.000 That's amazing.
00:20:29.000 You know who else, and he never even does interviews, is Nicholson.
00:20:32.000 Yeah.
00:20:33.000 He's just away from everything.
00:20:35.000 Well, they would always catch him doing something creepy.
00:20:39.000 On his shirt off at some beach or something. 0.99
00:20:41.000 Yeah, looking like he's bloated and fucking weird. 0.99
00:20:45.000 He's still in his 70s rocking it with 20-year-old chicks. 0.99
00:20:49.000 That's awesome.
00:20:50.000 It's really crazy.
00:20:51.000 Nicholson, they did some interview with him real recently where he was talking about the different dates he goes on.
00:20:58.000 One night he'll go out with a woman that's in her 60s and the next night it's a girl who's in her 20s.
00:21:02.000 Yeah.
00:21:03.000 You know?
00:21:04.000 I mean, just, you know, he was talking about it sexually.
00:21:07.000 He was talking about friends, you know, his acquaintances, that he has a very varied life.
00:21:12.000 But, you know, you've got to appreciate that.
00:21:14.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:21:14.000 Dude's getting 20-year-olds and he's fucking 70. That's how badass he is. 0.99
00:21:19.000 That's pretty crazy, right?
00:21:20.000 He's defying nature with his fame and with his ability to pretend.
00:21:25.000 It overcomes the natural order of things.
00:21:27.000 His ability to pretend and his money have defied nature.
00:21:30.000 He should be done in a natural world. 0.95
00:21:32.000 He's done with sex.
00:21:34.000 Maybe he's a companion his age.
00:21:36.000 Especially if there was no Viagra.
00:21:39.000 If there was no Viagra, that would take a lot of dudes out of the game. 1.00
00:21:43.000 Take a lot of dudes out of the game.
00:21:45.000 A lot of old rich dudes. 0.99
00:21:46.000 They're like, what's the fucking point? 0.99
00:21:48.000 You know? 0.99
00:21:49.000 But right now, they can...
00:21:50.000 You know, Brian Holtzman had to joke about that.
00:21:52.000 He goes, no, I like that. 1.00
00:21:53.000 Because now, these young whores have to fuck these old men. 1.00
00:21:57.000 And he goes, and that sperm is like paint that's been in their basement for like a year. 1.00
00:22:03.000 You know that paint?
00:22:04.000 It's not a fresh product, ladies and gentlemen.
00:22:06.000 Yeah.
00:22:07.000 He's hilarious.
00:22:08.000 It's not quite the color you picked out in your body.
00:22:12.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:22:13.000 He's one of those dudes. 0.97
00:22:17.000 There's a few dudes that over the course of doing stand-up comedy that I've always gone, how the fuck would that guy not make it? 0.56
00:22:25.000 He's one of them, right? 0.79
00:22:28.000 He's so good.
00:22:29.000 So funny.
00:22:30.000 Brian Holtzman.
00:22:31.000 If you're ever at the Comedy Store in LA, that's where Brian works out.
00:22:35.000 If you call the Comedy Store, call the Comedy Store and ask when Brian Holtzman is going to be up.
00:22:40.000 Especially if something goes down in the news. 0.97
00:22:42.000 I guarantee you he's got some fucked up five minutes on Haiti right now. 0.98
00:22:47.000 If you don't want to laugh at him, you're like, oh no! 0.99
00:22:50.000 But you'll laugh at it anyway.
00:22:52.000 I had always heard about how he did this thing on OJ. It was like...
00:22:56.000 Amazing.
00:22:56.000 He only did it one time.
00:22:57.000 He tried to do it again and it wasn't quite as good.
00:22:59.000 Just an awesome set about that.
00:23:01.000 And then 9-11 happened and Mitzi wouldn't put him on because we were closed.
00:23:05.000 I guess it happened Tuesday.
00:23:06.000 We were closed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
00:23:08.000 And then we opened up Friday, Saturday.
00:23:10.000 And she knew that he would get up and talk about it.
00:23:12.000 So she made the talent coordinator call him and say, listen, we can't put you on.
00:23:16.000 I'm sorry, but she doesn't know what you want. 0.98
00:23:19.000 He's one of those guys that would take the opinion most fucked up by default. 0.95
00:23:24.000 He would automatically go after the victims. 0.86
00:23:28.000 What did you do wrong?
00:23:30.000 Why were you in that building?
00:23:32.000 What were you doing? 1.00
00:23:33.000 Who were you fucking in the ass in that building? 1.00
00:23:38.000 His take on it would be so fucked up. 1.00
00:23:40.000 He went on Sunday, though, because it was open night, and he did about 50 to 55 minutes, and it was maybe one of the best sets I've ever seen. 0.99
00:23:47.000 Stan Hope was there watching, and Stan Hope said, I disagree with 95% of this, but it's so fucking goddamn good. 0.99
00:23:51.000 Because he's so crazy. 1.00
00:23:53.000 His stance was, fuck the cops. 1.00
00:23:54.000 He goes, well, they're not heroes now. 1.00
00:23:56.000 Why?
00:23:56.000 Because they did their job one time.
00:23:58.000 He goes, if I was one of the people jumping out of the building, I'd wait until a fucking cop was below me. 0.99
00:24:01.000 So I could take him out too. 0.97
00:24:03.000 This is on 9-15, you know, when everyone's like, what are the crowds doing when you see this guy?
00:24:08.000 I don't remember.
00:24:09.000 Oh, I can beat that.
00:24:10.000 You remember when that chick drowned her kids? 1.00
00:24:12.000 Yeah?
00:24:13.000 Yeah.
00:24:13.000 Holtzman goes on stage like three days after this children's kids.
00:24:17.000 He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard those were bad kids.
00:24:20.000 I heard they never put their blocks away.
00:24:22.000 They sat that close to the TV. They're always spilling their fucking milk. 1.00
00:24:26.000 Those kids will not be missed. 1.00
00:24:27.000 And I went, oh my god.
00:24:30.000 I heard there were bad kids.
00:24:32.000 That's one of the most brutal and funny jokes.
00:24:35.000 It's weird how you fall into whatever style of comedy.
00:24:42.000 I would never even think about it.
00:24:44.000 To go that way.
00:24:45.000 Well, his whole thinking on things.
00:24:48.000 But meanwhile, he's really friendly.
00:24:50.000 If you talk to him off stage, he's not a dark guy at all.
00:24:54.000 He's very nice.
00:24:55.000 He used to always go get me a coke when I was working in the cover booth like I did.
00:24:58.000 I was like, thanks man.
00:25:00.000 And he would go back, get it and bring it back.
00:25:02.000 I miss that dude.
00:25:03.000 He's at the factory sometimes too.
00:25:05.000 Is he?
00:25:05.000 Yeah.
00:25:07.000 I gotta see him sometime.
00:25:09.000 I gotta find out when he's playing and go performing.
00:25:11.000 He was always so cool.
00:25:13.000 So nice.
00:25:13.000 He's at the factory sometimes.
00:25:15.000 He was always such a nice guy.
00:25:16.000 There was one time when I got banned.
00:25:18.000 Where Pauly banned me.
00:25:20.000 For like a weekend.
00:25:22.000 And Holtzman was so nice about it.
00:25:24.000 What did he say about it?
00:25:25.000 Paulie banned me for a weekend because I got mad at him.
00:25:28.000 Because you got mad at him?
00:25:29.000 Yeah.
00:25:29.000 Him and Dean tried to corner me about something.
00:25:33.000 And I told him he was a fucking idiot. 1.00
00:25:35.000 And that he doesn't appreciate the comedians. 1.00
00:25:37.000 That I'm not working for him.
00:25:38.000 It's right after the Minding the Store came out.
00:25:43.000 It was like he all of a sudden was running the Comedy Store.
00:25:47.000 It was all of a sudden, you know, it wasn't like just a TV show anymore.
00:25:51.000 Now, because the comedy store, we've always done for free.
00:25:54.000 You know, I always, not only did I work there for free, but I donated all the, when they were giving me checks, they gave me like thousands of dollars worth of checks and I never cashed them.
00:26:03.000 Because I always knew they were hurting for cash.
00:26:05.000 So, when it came time to do their taxes, I had to donate all that money back to them.
00:26:09.000 And I paid for the sound system.
00:26:11.000 I mean, I treated that place like it was our place.
00:26:13.000 You know, it was a place for comics to work out.
00:26:15.000 The mics were cutting out, and that sound was like crackly, and Rogan bought. 1.00
00:26:19.000 It was like, fuck it. 0.99
00:26:20.000 We've got to fix this. 1.00
00:26:21.000 I got top-of-the-line shit. 0.98
00:26:22.000 I went and got the top-of-the-line CD recorder so dudes could make CDs, and I put it all in there out of my own money, just for love of the club. 0.98
00:26:32.000 And then all of a sudden, Paulie's running it, and I'm like, man, I ain't working for free for you.
00:26:36.000 You know, I'll do it all for your mom, but for you?
00:26:40.000 No.
00:26:40.000 Huge battle now by who gets the store.
00:26:42.000 I think he won.
00:26:44.000 I think Paulie won.
00:26:45.000 I think his brother gave up.
00:26:46.000 That's what I heard.
00:26:47.000 Oh, his brother.
00:26:48.000 Out of all the years I've lived here, I think I've been in there one time.
00:26:52.000 Really?
00:26:52.000 Oh, that's so great.
00:26:53.000 I've been in that bar area just hanging.
00:26:56.000 I went with...
00:26:57.000 Some comic, but I don't think I've ever been on stage there.
00:27:00.000 Kyle Cesar walked by yesterday and he was like, I think I've been here four times in two years.
00:27:03.000 I've never.
00:27:04.000 It's so crazy not to go there.
00:27:06.000 My whole career has never really been performing in Los Angeles.
00:27:09.000 That's what he was like.
00:27:10.000 Yeah, but you've done sets in improv.
00:27:12.000 I've seen you at the improv.
00:27:12.000 Yeah, the improv, and then I think I'm banned from the Laugh Factory.
00:27:16.000 What'd you do?
00:27:17.000 We were talking about guns, and the dude owns it.
00:27:20.000 He's a real pacifist.
00:27:21.000 Jamie banned you for talking about guns?
00:27:23.000 Yeah, I was on for the next week, and then I got called and said no.
00:27:28.000 You got called?
00:27:29.000 They didn't just not give you a spot?
00:27:30.000 No, I called whoever, like, so tomorrow we're so good?
00:27:33.000 Yeah, no, I got asked, and then...
00:27:36.000 Because you talk about guns.
00:27:38.000 Not on stage.
00:27:38.000 It was an off-stage conversation, and I said I'm going shooting, and then he was like...
00:27:42.000 What, you have guns? 0.99
00:27:43.000 That means you want to kill people. 0.98
00:27:44.000 I'm like, no, I enjoy... 0.98
00:27:46.000 Bobby, you have guns? 1.00
00:27:47.000 Yeah, I enjoy shooting them, but if they came in my house, then I'd kill them. 0.99
00:27:51.000 Listen, Jamie, quit worrying about what comics have in their house and worry more about introducing little kids to Michael Jackson. 0.99
00:27:57.000 It's like, that's a way bigger problem than what I'm talking about.
00:28:01.000 Having a locked gun in his house.
00:28:03.000 He's not joking around.
00:28:05.000 He's not joking around.
00:28:06.000 Jamie was introducing these children that are on the Make-A-Wish Foundation, right?
00:28:11.000 Was it Make-A-Wish or something like that?
00:28:12.000 Yes, something like that. 0.99
00:28:12.000 Kids are sick. 0.99
00:28:13.000 He was introducing them to Michael Jackson. 0.98
00:28:15.000 You say introducing, I say pimping.
00:28:17.000 What's the difference?
00:28:18.000 Buddy.
00:28:19.000 He's not pimping.
00:28:21.000 He's a genius, buddy. 1.00
00:28:22.000 He does not want to fuck the ass. 1.00
00:28:24.000 I don't think Michael Jackson fucked those kids. 1.00
00:28:30.000 Because I think, where are all the bodies? 0.99
00:28:32.000 There would be not just one kid he fucked. 1.00
00:28:34.000 He'd be fucking hundreds of kids. 1.00
00:28:36.000 I think he probably fucked eight to ten. 1.00
00:28:38.000 I don't think he did. 0.99
00:28:40.000 I think it's much more likely...
00:28:42.000 We talked about this before, right?
00:28:43.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:28:43.000 I think it's much more likely that he's just completely fucked up and was molested when he was a kid and abused and he grew up in the public eye and he grew up as a baby and like being famous. 0.99
00:28:55.000 He wanted to go back to... 0.99
00:28:57.000 Huge drug user.
00:28:57.000 I believe in the power of huge rumors.
00:29:02.000 What about the trouble in the ass? 0.99
00:29:03.000 Do you believe that one? 0.99
00:29:05.000 I'm going to just because of that theory.
00:29:07.000 What about Mikey from LifeSerie because he saw him without his makeup?
00:29:15.000 Not little rumors. 1.00
00:29:16.000 That's stupid. 1.00
00:29:17.000 That's some retard that lives down the block from you and made that one up. 1.00
00:29:21.000 That rumor didn't even leave your fucking name up. 1.00
00:29:25.000 But the Richard Gere Gerber rumor, that rumor traveled the whole country. 0.99
00:29:28.000 That's a crazy rumor.
00:29:30.000 Kurt Metzger told me he asked...
00:29:32.000 Whatever kind of doctor that is. 0.98
00:29:34.000 He goes, there's never been any recorded documentation of any animal up someone's butt. 1.00
00:29:39.000 Oh, that's actually bullshit. 1.00
00:29:41.000 You can go to the internet and see eels coming out of girls' assholes. 1.00
00:29:45.000 That shit happens every day. 1.00
00:29:47.000 That's what he said. 1.00
00:29:48.000 That guy's an idiot. 1.00
00:29:50.000 That guy's either an idiot or an idiot. 1.00
00:29:56.000 He's going through Net Nanny. 1.00
00:29:59.000 You're missing the good sights, son.
00:30:01.000 You ain't never seen the eels come out of those buttholes? 0.65
00:30:04.000 That was really weird.
00:30:05.000 I just kept coming out.
00:30:06.000 I kept thinking it was the same one. 1.00
00:30:10.000 Octopuses up their assholes. 1.00
00:30:12.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
00:30:13.000 There's some shit going into people's bodies. 1.00
00:30:15.000 If you can think of it, did you see the video of the dude who has been shooting silicone into his dick for six years? 1.00
00:30:22.000 Did you see that? 1.00
00:30:23.000 No, but how delicious does his dick look? 1.00
00:30:25.000 His dick looks like a... 1.00
00:30:26.000 Some dude on Twitter, I don't remember your name, I apologize, but some dude on Twitter said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit. 1.00
00:30:33.000 Ha! 0.89
00:30:35.000 And it does!
00:30:36.000 You gotta see it.
00:30:38.000 I'll throw the link up for you guys and we're gonna watch it right now but I'll throw the link up so that you guys can see it too.
00:30:45.000 On Tosh 2.0, it's a show on E where they talk about internet videos.
00:30:49.000 They played it and they couldn't show that video.
00:30:51.000 So they just showed the audience's reaction.
00:30:53.000 So they're all just sitting there and suddenly all of them just bawl faces.
00:30:58.000 That's funny.
00:31:00.000 I can't find it.
00:31:01.000 It must have been from a couple days ago.
00:31:03.000 I tweet too much.
00:31:06.000 We're on two hours right now, Joe.
00:31:08.000 Just email.
00:31:09.000 So what, man?
00:31:10.000 We're having a party here.
00:31:11.000 We're not really on two hours.
00:31:12.000 We didn't start on time.
00:31:13.000 It's only four o'clock right now, Brian.
00:31:15.000 Oh, four o'clock. 1.00
00:31:16.000 You fucking faker. 1.00
00:31:18.000 You're saying it like you counted the time. 1.00
00:31:20.000 We're on two hours, fifteen minutes.
00:31:22.000 What now?
00:31:22.000 I just looked at four or five and was like, eh, it's about two hours.
00:31:24.000 You took a wild shot of the dark sun.
00:31:26.000 Sorry, I wasn't completely accurate with the minutes. 0.98
00:31:29.000 SHUT UP! Okay, I'm trying to find this dead rabbit. 0.98
00:31:35.000 How's Tonka, Brian?
00:31:36.000 I renamed him.
00:31:38.000 It's Techie now.
00:31:39.000 Techie?
00:31:39.000 You renamed him?
00:31:40.000 I was talking one day and then I... Yeah, I agree with Ari.
00:31:47.000 Names lean things.
00:31:49.000 In mysticism, they always say, I don't believe in it, but that's what they always say. 0.99
00:31:51.000 You don't fuck with someone's name. 0.99
00:31:53.000 It was one day he was named Tonka. 1.00
00:31:56.000 You don't want to change the name of your cat.
00:31:58.000 The cat has already destroyed a keyboard.
00:32:01.000 A Logitech keyboard.
00:32:03.000 He hates anything technology.
00:32:05.000 If he knows this thing, I hate technology.
00:32:09.000 He went up to my keyboard.
00:32:10.000 I started using my keyboard.
00:32:11.000 He ran in.
00:32:13.000 What's that noise?
00:32:14.000 He jumps up and just starts taking his claws and ripping keys off.
00:32:16.000 Really?
00:32:16.000 I'm like, ah!
00:32:17.000 If I use my camera, if I turn on the camera, he sees the camera from across the room, charges me, and tries to grab the camera.
00:32:24.000 I have videos of him doing this.
00:32:25.000 Are you considering giving it back to the adoption agency?
00:32:27.000 He's a kitten.
00:32:28.000 That's what they do.
00:32:29.000 But it's just...
00:32:30.000 Well, to reincarnation, maybe that person was just like...
00:32:33.000 Killed by technology.
00:32:35.000 Yeah, technology killed him, so he's like...
00:32:37.000 This is a plot of Ghost Dad 2. Maybe this cat is made out of technology.
00:32:49.000 Bored.
00:32:49.000 Nice normal guy haircut today, Brian, by the way.
00:32:52.000 What?
00:32:52.000 This is the most normal dude I've ever seen your hair.
00:32:54.000 Out of the show.
00:32:55.000 Alright, here's the...
00:32:55.000 I just put it up online.
00:32:57.000 I just put it up online so you guys...
00:32:58.000 I Twittered it. 0.99
00:32:59.000 The address of the dude who is injecting silicone into his dick for six years. 1.00
00:33:03.000 And we're going to watch it right now because it is that fucked up. 1.00
00:33:06.000 It is something that you need. 0.96
00:33:07.000 I just clicked on it right now so it's loading up right now. 0.99
00:33:10.000 Check this shit out. 0.99
00:33:14.000 What's that music? 1.00
00:33:15.000 What's the music?
00:33:19.000 Plus, part of the city.
00:33:23.000 iTunes? 1.00
00:33:26.000 Damn, that's some gay-ass music. 1.00
00:33:28.000 iTunes, John. 1.00
00:33:29.000 We're at the back of the website.
00:33:30.000 We're getting feedback on the noise, too. 0.99
00:33:37.000 What the fuck could that be? 0.99
00:33:39.000 YouTube, right there. 0.99
00:33:44.000 Facebook?
00:33:45.000 YouTube, right there. 0.93
00:33:48.000 It's the worst when you have 27 tabs open up and you're like, that's so fucking annoying! 0.92
00:33:53.000 What is that?
00:33:54.000 You have to find it.
00:33:55.000 Oh, I'm gonna have one of these things. 0.98
00:33:57.000 Dusty has balls. 0.99
00:34:00.000 Okay, let's see it here. 0.99
00:34:01.000 Here we go.
00:34:04.000 Wait, turn off.
00:34:07.000 Oh, look at that.
00:34:08.000 This is the underwear I'm wearing.
00:34:11.000 I've got a little intention.
00:34:13.000 So that's all that.
00:34:13.000 Seriously, why would you want...
00:34:15.000 Look at this.
00:34:18.000 Why would you want to back it up?
00:34:20.000 Hold on.
00:34:20.000 Oh my god, no.
00:34:22.000 Would you like to name it though?
00:34:25.000 It's cocky about it. 0.85
00:34:26.000 Oh, it's real cocky.
00:34:27.000 It's funny.
00:34:28.000 Look at this.
00:34:28.000 I can't watch.
00:34:29.000 Look at that.
00:34:30.000 Oh my god. 1.00
00:34:32.000 He's been injecting silicone into his dick for six years. 1.00
00:34:35.000 Can it get hard? 1.00
00:34:36.000 No.
00:34:37.000 Is that all head on top?
00:34:38.000 Yep.
00:34:39.000 Is that all head?
00:34:40.000 Look at it.
00:34:41.000 So that's all that is.
00:34:44.000 Would you like to hold it?
00:34:46.000 Look at him.
00:34:47.000 He's weird.
00:34:47.000 That's a weird laugh.
00:34:48.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:34:50.000 How weird could he be? 1.00
00:34:51.000 He's injecting silicone into his fucking dick for six years. 1.00
00:34:55.000 I mean, look at that. 1.00
00:34:56.000 That's insane.
00:34:58.000 I can't watch.
00:35:01.000 We can have a conversation.
00:35:04.000 You hear what this is saying? 0.69
00:35:05.000 Six years, he's unable to have sex. 1.00
00:35:08.000 Sometimes I see a really young guy and I think, I'd like to fuck his ass. 1.00
00:35:13.000 I was good. 1.00
00:35:15.000 Oh, he's great.
00:35:16.000 But listen, listen.
00:35:17.000 The pleasure and the adventure and the experience that I've gotten from this is way, way, way better than the, whatever, 15 minutes of pleasure that I would get.
00:35:29.000 What has he gotten experience? 1.00
00:35:31.000 Just people seeing his balls and his dick. 1.00
00:35:34.000 I could no longer stand up to pee because it would just kind of go everywhere. 1.00
00:35:38.000 It was difficult to control.
00:35:40.000 And so I started learning about, okay, I have to sit down.
00:35:43.000 But you know what?
00:35:44.000 I'll tell you about some other adjustments in a second.
00:35:46.000 All of these adjustments though, they just add to the excitement for me because it's just another reminder and it's part of the odyssey of all of this.
00:35:55.000 I was sitting down to pee for a long time.
00:35:57.000 Well, then the size got to be that when I would sit down, I'd get wet.
00:36:03.000 It would get dunked into the water in a lot of toilets, including my own here.
00:36:10.000 And so I would sort of squat over the ball, you know?
00:36:15.000 I think that just the fact that people look at me and either wonder, what's going on?
00:36:21.000 What is that? 0.54
00:36:23.000 The basic questions that people ask, can you still have an orgasm?
00:36:29.000 Things like that. 0.99
00:36:30.000 I'm getting people to think, and I'm challenging their ideas of what a penis should look like. 0.99
00:36:38.000 Yeah, that's what we do. 0.99
00:36:43.000 But Jers is the only penis that does that. 0.99
00:36:46.000 I am challenging. 0.99
00:36:49.000 He's giving him a challenge already.
00:36:50.000 You're challenging your brain, man, so you're not thinking. 1.00
00:36:52.000 You threw down the gauntlet, bitch. 1.00
00:36:55.000 This is the crazy thing when he pulls it out. 1.00
00:36:58.000 I mean, this guy's so happy to be pulling out his dick. 1.00
00:37:05.000 Look at this. 1.00
00:37:08.000 It's not even pornographic. 0.99
00:37:10.000 Doesn't even really look like a penis in any way. 0.98
00:37:12.000 It really looks like a basketball. 0.99
00:37:15.000 He's challenging your perceptions, Ari. 1.00
00:37:21.000 What the fuck, huh? 1.00
00:37:23.000 Let's go fight the horse. 1.00
00:37:24.000 I'm getting tired. 0.95
00:37:25.000 How nutty is that dude?
00:37:27.000 There's other ways you can challenge people to think.
00:37:29.000 Yeah, maybe, you know...
00:37:31.000 What is that? 0.99
00:37:32.000 When dudes, like, tattoo their dicks and put barbells through them? 0.99
00:37:35.000 What's going on there? 0.99
00:37:37.000 They just...
00:37:37.000 I think presentation.
00:37:40.000 Presentation.
00:37:43.000 Presentation! 0.99
00:37:44.000 I hear a silver platter with a cock with a spur. 0.99
00:37:48.000 But it still works, and there's plenty of girls that are into that. 1.00
00:37:50.000 Is there?
00:37:51.000 Ladies, let's take a little Twitter poll. 1.00
00:37:53.000 How many girls are really into dudes with, like... 0.99
00:37:56.000 Tattoos and barbells on their dicks. 1.00
00:37:58.000 Same shit with girls. 1.00
00:37:59.000 Put that barbell in their vaginas. 1.00
00:38:01.000 Do you like that? 1.00
00:38:01.000 And if you say yes, how smelly is your pussy? 1.00
00:38:04.000 It makes me sad. 1.00
00:38:05.000 The barbell in the pussy makes me sad. 1.00
00:38:07.000 I don't really like it, but I'm not bad against it. 1.00
00:38:09.000 Is there a single girl that ever has gotten a barbell in the pussy that's not a slut? 1.00
00:38:15.000 Nothing's wrong with sluts. 1.00
00:38:16.000 I don't say slut in any negative way. 1.00
00:38:18.000 I mean a girl that's down to party. 1.00
00:38:20.000 I'll say that instead. 0.99
00:38:21.000 I mean, there's no prudes that get their clit pierced. 1.00
00:38:24.000 You get your clit pierced, you're sending a fucking very clear message. 1.00
00:38:28.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:38:29.000 Because you can't say, I don't really do this, and the guy would go, well, you have a license plate.
00:38:34.000 Yeah, you clearly do.
00:38:35.000 You have a license plate?
00:38:36.000 Yeah.
00:38:37.000 That right there says you do. 1.00
00:38:40.000 You feel like your vagina will be so public that you will adorn it. 1.00
00:38:43.000 Yeah, that you need to dress it up a little bit. 1.00
00:38:45.000 Apparently someone's saying that's from a documentary on dicks. 1.00
00:38:49.000 The guy with the fucked up dick. 1.00
00:38:51.000 It's from a documentary. 1.00
00:38:53.000 That'd be a good one to watch. 0.94
00:38:54.000 Take Viagra and try to not get an erection the entire time you watch that documentary. 0.85
00:38:58.000 Every time it moves, they're like, no! 0.95
00:39:00.000 No!
00:39:00.000 And just punch itself.
00:39:02.000 Yeah, that would be funny if you gave guys...
00:39:05.000 Yeah, there's something there. 1.00
00:39:06.000 If you gave guys a really high dose of Viagra, and then you made them watch gay porn, and you had girls touching them. 0.99
00:39:15.000 You had girls touching them. 1.00
00:39:18.000 They weren't allowed to suck it. 1.00
00:39:19.000 No, no. 1.00
00:39:19.000 Dudes massaging your back. 1.00
00:39:20.000 Oh! 0.60
00:39:21.000 That'd be way better.
00:39:22.000 Guys massaging your back.
00:39:23.000 They give you Viagra and ecstasy, and they see if you get art.
00:39:26.000 Yeah, you can.
00:39:26.000 The first guy there...
00:39:28.000 You would definitely get art.
00:39:29.000 No question.
00:39:31.000 Oh, so sad.
00:39:35.000 Challenge match.
00:39:37.000 Yeah, that would be a funny...
00:39:40.000 Oh, just find somebody who's really... 0.98
00:39:42.000 There's no way them gays are going to get married. 1.00
00:39:44.000 I don't want that, you know, those that's not right. 0.97
00:39:47.000 Slip by our guy.
00:39:48.000 Yeah, just take one and have some guy just blowing in your ear and see what happens. 1.00
00:39:52.000 Just have some really soft boy who smells pretty rubbing your back.
00:39:56.000 Slow and passionately.
00:39:58.000 After a long day of work, he's got oils and a feminine voice.
00:40:03.000 Like, is that it?
00:40:03.000 You like that?
00:40:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:40:05.000 Just enough so he's submissive and feminine enough so the dude's dick just starts getting hard. 1.00
00:40:10.000 No! 1.00
00:40:11.000 I'm a pretty boy.
00:40:12.000 I'm pretty.
00:40:13.000 That's hilarious.
00:40:15.000 Just whispering.
00:40:16.000 And, you know, truck drivers have sore backs.
00:40:19.000 Like, oh, yeah, right there.
00:40:20.000 You got it.
00:40:20.000 Oh, is that it right there?
00:40:21.000 Okay.
00:40:22.000 Okay.
00:40:22.000 We'll fix you up.
00:40:24.000 We'll fix you up.
00:40:25.000 No worries.
00:40:25.000 I heard Bobby Kelly talking about this on Tuesday.
00:40:28.000 About like why that was even an insult. 1.00
00:40:29.000 Why faggots even that bad. 1.00
00:40:31.000 Like they've never done anything to me. 1.00
00:40:32.000 Why is that like you're a faggot? 1.00
00:40:33.000 No I'm not. 1.00
00:40:34.000 I'll fight you to prove that I'm not a gay. 1.00
00:40:36.000 It was like what?
00:40:37.000 What is the difference?
00:40:38.000 But, like, yeah, if you get a little thing when some guy's touching you, it's like, whatever.
00:40:41.000 Who cares? 0.99
00:40:43.000 I don't like when dudes touch me because if dudes are thinking about fucking me, I know how I am when I think about fucking girls, and I don't want anybody thinking about me like that. 1.00
00:40:51.000 Because, you know, if you want to fuck somebody, you're like, you're into them. 0.99
00:40:57.000 You're going after them. 0.99
00:40:58.000 And if a dude doing that to you doesn't want to listen to the fact that you're straight, you're like, hey, I don't like that.
00:41:04.000 And then he keeps going after you.
00:41:05.000 That's, like, disturbing.
00:41:06.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:41:07.000 I mean, the worst time you've ever tried to go after a chick. 1.00
00:41:10.000 The most clumsy in your history.
00:41:13.000 Could you imagine someone doing that to you?
00:41:14.000 A guy doing it to you? 1.00
00:41:15.000 Like you're drunk and stupid. 1.00
00:41:18.000 Imagine that dude doing that to you. 1.00
00:41:19.000 You'd feel so uncomfortable and gross and negative. 0.87
00:41:22.000 Get me away. 1.00
00:41:23.000 I don't want to get raped. 1.00
00:41:24.000 My gay friend of college just always do that. 1.00
00:41:26.000 They would creep out dudes? 0.96
00:41:27.000 He would get aggressively homosexual. 0.99
00:41:30.000 When guys get drunk, they get crazy. 0.96
00:41:31.000 If I was kissing another one of our friends, he's like, what do I mean?
00:41:34.000 I don't kiss.
00:41:35.000 It was a comic.
00:41:36.000 It was a comic that did that.
00:41:38.000 What was that guy's name?
00:41:39.000 Jason something or another? 0.98
00:41:41.000 He was really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive. 1.00
00:41:46.000 He was a cunt. 1.00
00:41:46.000 And we were all in Montreal. 1.00
00:41:48.000 There was like four or five of us.
00:41:49.000 I don't remember who was talking to.
00:41:51.000 I think Bobby Slayton was one of them.
00:41:53.000 But he came over and it was like the end of the night. 1.00
00:41:56.000 And he was like, you know, I'm sucking someone's dick because it's going to be yours. 1.00
00:42:00.000 And I'm like, hey man, get the fuck out of here. 1.00
00:42:02.000 You should find a gay dude for this. 1.00
00:42:04.000 Yeah, well, you're really working the way hard. 0.99
00:42:07.000 I mean, think about how hard it is for a straight guy to get laid. 0.96
00:42:10.000 And then think about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid. 0.95
00:42:12.000 Like, their numbers are low. 0.93
00:42:14.000 Yeah, but such a higher percentage when you find their numbers.
00:42:18.000 Yeah, if you go to Boys Town or something, you go to Santa Monica Boulevard, yeah, you're going to get a lot there. 0.99
00:42:23.000 But if you're in Thousand Oaks looking for gay sex, that's tough action. 1.00
00:42:29.000 You know? 1.00
00:42:29.000 You've got to find them. 1.00
00:42:30.000 You've got to go to church.
00:42:32.000 Yeah.
00:42:32.000 Find them and just stall them.
00:42:33.000 You've got to do something.
00:42:34.000 You've got to figure out...
00:42:35.000 It's cold.
00:42:36.000 You've got to pound on water.
00:42:37.000 I saw this thing in the army in the 40s and 50s and 60s where people who grew up in small towns had never seen...
00:42:43.000 They just thought they were weird for these feelings but they didn't know.
00:42:46.000 The ones who grew up in New York and L.A., obviously they knew about gays.
00:42:48.000 And then they go to the army, all of a sudden they find other gays. 0.99
00:42:51.000 And they find each other.
00:42:52.000 And it's like, oh.
00:42:53.000 Well, in the army, apparently that's like a real problem.
00:42:56.000 Especially in the Navy when dudes were on boats.
00:42:58.000 There was a dude that we knew that was going away to the Navy.
00:43:02.000 His little brother was going away to the Navy.
00:43:03.000 We're all sitting around eating with him.
00:43:05.000 And just as a joke, I said, man...
00:43:07.000 You need to learn some jujitsu so you can fight off the rape on the boat.
00:43:12.000 And he goes, yeah, man. 1.00
00:43:14.000 Fuck that, man. 1.00
00:43:15.000 That shit happens. 1.00
00:43:16.000 I go, what do you mean it happens? 1.00
00:43:18.000 I go, dudes really rape dudes on the boats? 1.00
00:43:19.000 He goes, well, you know, it's not that big a deal.
00:43:22.000 I go, okay, what's not that big a deal?
00:43:24.000 He goes, well, I've been in for a year.
00:43:27.000 I only know four dudes.
00:43:29.000 I know what? 1.00
00:43:31.000 You know four dudes who've been raped by men, and you've only been in the Navy for a fucking year? 1.00
00:43:37.000 Could you imagine if you knew four comics that got raped? 1.00
00:43:39.000 You'd be like, fuck comedy, man! 1.00
00:43:41.000 People at the income are getting raped. 1.00
00:43:43.000 Well, how often? 0.65
00:43:44.000 Four times a year.
00:43:45.000 I'll never go there again. 1.00
00:43:46.000 If somebody started raping UFC commentators, I'm like, nah, I'm gonna watch that shit from my house. 1.00
00:43:51.000 Good luck, I'm a trillion guy. 1.00
00:43:52.000 Two guns in my lap. 1.00
00:43:54.000 Fuck you! 1.00
00:43:55.000 What are you, crazy? 1.00
00:43:55.000 What are you, crazy? 1.00
00:43:58.000 He was only in the Navy a year! 0.97
00:44:01.000 And it happened over that year?
00:44:03.000 Yes!
00:44:03.000 During that year, he knew of four dudes who got raped.
00:44:07.000 Wow.
00:44:08.000 I mean, how many people was he coming in contact with?
00:44:10.000 Even though the Navy's gigantic, that's a big number.
00:44:13.000 Even if it's a few thousand.
00:44:16.000 Still. 1.00
00:44:16.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:44:17.000 Do you ever come close to joining the military or anything? 1.00
00:44:19.000 Yeah, I had a recruiter show up at the grocery store I worked at.
00:44:24.000 It was for the Air Force.
00:44:25.000 I thought of it.
00:44:26.000 Oh, I went to my high school and then I remember him, how old was I? Yeah.
00:44:29.000 Like 17, 18. And then when I wrestled in high school, then he, this recruit, I don't forget, saw our heavyweight and goes, yeah, I was looking for John Heffern.
00:44:38.000 And then this guy started laughing.
00:44:39.000 He's like, pfft.
00:44:40.000 He's too small because when I was in high school, I was maybe 5'6", I wrestled 105 pounds.
00:44:47.000 So I didn't grow until after three years.
00:44:49.000 105?
00:44:50.000 It was 105. Jesus!
00:44:51.000 And then 119. That's not even a real weight.
00:44:53.000 Is the one I wrestled.
00:44:54.000 I know, right?
00:44:55.000 If I find a woman who's 105 pounds, I'm like, yeah, you're pretty small. 1.00
00:44:57.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
00:44:59.000 Did you try to say you would fuck John if he was 100 pounds? 1.00
00:45:01.000 I would have to see a picture. 1.00
00:45:04.000 When were you thinking about joining the military?
00:45:06.000 Same time, 17, 18. It was kind of interesting.
00:45:10.000 Yeah, I was going to go for college.
00:45:12.000 I was thinking National Guard.
00:45:14.000 I was like, you can get paid.
00:45:15.000 You only had to put up some cones during a flood or something.
00:45:18.000 I really want to be in the Air Force. 0.99
00:45:20.000 Do you remember, that's the Bush administration changed all that bullshit. 0.96
00:45:24.000 The National Guard used to be a safe way to not go to war. 0.98
00:45:27.000 To war. 0.57
00:45:28.000 And you were helping people.
00:45:30.000 No, it's active duty, and they split families up, and it's rough.
00:45:34.000 Well, even if you look at Rambo, remember it was all National Guard guys who went after Rambo, and the whole movie was making fun of these National Guard guys.
00:45:41.000 Like, they don't know how to do anything.
00:45:43.000 Hey, I gotta get back to the store!
00:45:45.000 And now, the National Guard guys are as badass as anyone else.
00:45:49.000 There's a dude I do jujitsu with, and he was in the Army Reserve for 20 years, and 20 days left in his 20-year tour.
00:45:59.000 20 years!
00:46:00.000 20 days left, they sent him to Iraq for a year and a half.
00:46:03.000 So if they start before your time is over, you have to do the fall.
00:46:06.000 They can just lock you in.
00:46:08.000 It doesn't matter.
00:46:08.000 And they can bring you back.
00:46:10.000 They can bring you back anytime they want.
00:46:11.000 They recall you.
00:46:12.000 They're hurting so bad nowadays that I'm surprised they're not just like, oh, you're an eagle. 1.00
00:46:18.000 Fucking Iraq. 0.98
00:46:21.000 There's a lot of dudes who go over there because they think they're doing the right thing. 0.99
00:46:25.000 There's a lot of dudes like Pat Tillman, dudes who joined the army and joined the Navy.
00:46:29.000 They think they're doing it to protect this great country.
00:46:32.000 Especially then in like 2001, 2002. But once they get in, then they realize you're getting fucked. 0.99
00:46:38.000 And that's what happened with Pat Tillman. 0.99
00:46:39.000 I mean, he was a huge critic, as was his brother, of how fucked up things are over in Iraq and Afghanistan. 0.99
00:46:45.000 And, you know, obviously they wound up killing them. 0.99
00:46:48.000 They killed in friendly fire.
00:46:49.000 I remember a year ago I did a show and I got back to the hotel room and I googled oldest age to join army.
00:46:55.000 Really? 0.99
00:46:56.000 You could be old as fuck, right? 1.00
00:46:58.000 Nah, they bumped it up to 42, 43. But that's like 20 years longer than... 1.00
00:47:04.000 Now, would you be enlisted there, or would you go straight to Officer Corps, or what would you do?
00:47:09.000 I heard a couple things.
00:47:10.000 One, they would, like, say, I joined at, you know, 40. They'd give me a job and take a 19-year-old out of that job and throw that 19-year-old on the line.
00:47:19.000 So, like, the older guys is, like...
00:47:22.000 But I know one of my wife's friends, she's an Airborne Ranger. 0.93
00:47:26.000 She said she has privates in her thing that are, like, 37, 38 years old.
00:47:30.000 Privates, you know, just... 0.98
00:47:32.000 There's a lot of dudes, man, that have no fucking money, and they don't have anything in their town, and there's no options. 0.75
00:47:39.000 There's also something to do. 0.96
00:47:40.000 What's the difference?
00:47:41.000 You're taking care of the rest of your life.
00:47:42.000 You're going to go to war. 0.81
00:47:44.000 Or he's like, well, yeah, now would be a major problem.
00:47:47.000 I'm talking about general.
00:47:47.000 It's like, I don't know.
00:47:48.000 Well, we've been at war for eight years, dude.
00:47:49.000 Yeah, we've been at war for eight years, man.
00:47:55.000 Joining the military for the last decade has been no joke.
00:47:58.000 Yeah.
00:47:59.000 You know? 1.00
00:48:00.000 It's just, what the fuck, man? 0.99
00:48:03.000 When I was a kid, Vietnam ended when I was a little boy. 0.99
00:48:06.000 And I remember thinking very clearly that, oh, this is a good thing because now there's not going to be any more war.
00:48:11.000 Like, obviously, everybody hates war.
00:48:13.000 You're never going to go to war again.
00:48:14.000 And then when I was like 21 was the first Gulf War, me and my buddy Jimmy Dottilio, we had an apartment together in Waltham, Massachusetts.
00:48:22.000 So ethnic. 0.82
00:48:23.000 It was ethnic.
00:48:24.000 Jimmy Dottilio.
00:48:24.000 Two guineas hanging out in Waltham.
00:48:27.000 And we're sitting in front of the TV and the first strike happened.
00:48:30.000 And they showed the missiles coming in and the bombs going off. 0.99
00:48:33.000 And I was like, holy shit. 0.99
00:48:35.000 And me and Jimmy watched it like we were watching a football game. 0.99
00:48:39.000 We were like, dude, we're at war. 1.00
00:48:40.000 Holy shit. 0.98
00:48:41.000 I remember being in college then, and the two guys I lived with were all reservists, and then they got called up. 0.97
00:48:47.000 So they were probably 20, 21 years old, 22, got called up and went down to, they were going to start to help train.
00:48:54.000 At the time, everybody was like, there's going to be a draft, there's going to be a draft.
00:48:57.000 So we all thought, because we were at that age, we were 20, 21, we're like, holy crap, we're going.
00:49:03.000 Oh yeah, there was a serious talk of that.
00:49:05.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:49:06.000 So scary, man.
00:49:08.000 I remember when the first Gulf War happened, we were practicing in basketball, and it was the opening night of some play, some high school play, and somebody came in like, the play bomb, the play...
00:49:17.000 The planes bombed, but I just caught things on the plane bombed.
00:49:20.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
00:49:20.000 And I was like, why are you breaking up our practice with it?
00:49:24.000 So, yes, I'm a little happy about it.
00:49:29.000 Yeah, the whole thing is so surreal.
00:49:32.000 I got woken up.
00:49:33.000 I don't remember who woke me up.
00:49:34.000 Somebody woke me up and called me and told me that America's under attack.
00:49:38.000 Yeah, that's what they said.
00:49:39.000 America's under attack.
00:49:40.000 And I was like, what?
00:49:41.000 Turn on the news.
00:49:42.000 America's under attack. 1.00
00:49:43.000 And we just are so removed from all the shit that goes on in the rest of the world. 0.99
00:49:50.000 We are so removed from what war really is. 0.97
00:49:53.000 Unless you talk to someone who's actually been over there and come back, and they have a very different opinion of it. 0.84
00:49:57.000 But we're so fucking removed from it over here. 0.99
00:50:00.000 When I saw that shit on TV, I was like, what? 1.00
00:50:02.000 Really? 1.00
00:50:02.000 This isn't a movie. 1.00
00:50:04.000 Your heart starts beating faster.
00:50:06.000 All of a sudden, this team you're on is under attack.
00:50:10.000 It's not you, but we're all in this team together.
00:50:13.000 You don't think about that through your day-to-day life.
00:50:16.000 You can say you're happy to be an American, and you believe in democracy, and I'm a Republican, but you don't really realize you're on some team until the team's attacked.
00:50:26.000 And then you're like, so dudes that did nothing, dudes who didn't know these dudes, came over and killed them just because they were living on this part?
00:50:34.000 Yeah.
00:50:34.000 They were living in this patch of dirt so people were killing them.
00:50:37.000 I thought that was only movie shit. 0.99
00:50:40.000 My brother's over there now. 0.99
00:50:41.000 Is he?
00:50:42.000 Afghanistan.
00:50:42.000 He just got called up again.
00:50:43.000 Oh my god.
00:50:45.000 Yeah.
00:50:45.000 That's what happens.
00:50:46.000 When you go through a tour, if you sign up for the military, Dick Cheney instituted some new situation where they can just kind of keep bringing you back.
00:50:55.000 Well, he's still on active reserve, so he knew he was eventually getting called up again.
00:50:59.000 But when they were in a situation where people had done their tours and they were bringing them back.
00:51:04.000 Yeah.
00:51:05.000 Ugh.
00:51:06.000 Randall, Masker, how long are you going to ask the same question over and over and over again?
00:51:11.000 Is some dude asking a question over and over again?
00:51:12.000 I've seen it ten times.
00:51:13.000 Joe, Joe, who gets more women? 1.00
00:51:15.000 Why are you reading it?
00:51:18.000 Huh?
00:51:18.000 You're just rewarding him.
00:51:19.000 You know, I just...
00:51:20.000 Because he's still doing it.
00:51:23.000 So...
00:51:25.000 Alright, we'll take some.
00:51:26.000 Yeah, when people ignore you sometimes, do you ever make a joke in public and nobody laughs?
00:51:30.000 And then you hear somebody make the same joke again because they assume nobody heard them? 0.57
00:51:34.000 And it's like, dude, look at their response and fucking take that to mean they didn't find it funny. 0.95
00:51:39.000 It's the worst that someone thinks you weren't listening and then they say it again. 0.97
00:51:42.000 Yeah, one, that means it's not in the moment.
00:51:44.000 That means you're trying to make this joke.
00:51:46.000 This guy says all the branches other than the army are overloaded, actually.
00:51:51.000 You know, I believe that now.
00:51:54.000 I think he's probably telling the truth.
00:51:56.000 I would think that in this economy...
00:51:58.000 There's a lot, yeah, a lot of people are.
00:52:00.000 It's a lot higher than...
00:52:02.000 Look at, what was it?
00:52:03.000 How long?
00:52:03.000 Two years ago?
00:52:04.000 New Orleans.
00:52:04.000 You know, we didn't have enough people to send there.
00:52:07.000 That was two years ago.
00:52:08.000 Wasn't it?
00:52:08.000 Wasn't it a lot more than two years ago?
00:52:10.000 When was Katrina?
00:52:11.000 What year was that?
00:52:13.000 Oh, maybe it was longer.
00:52:14.000 Because that was when I first heard about Kanye West.
00:52:17.000 Ha ha ha! 1.00
00:52:18.000 When he was like, George Bush hates black people. 0.99
00:52:20.000 I was like, wow. 0.99
00:52:21.000 That was way longer.
00:52:22.000 That was my favorite was Michael Myers' reaction because he's just a Hollywood guy.
00:52:25.000 Yes, these people will tell us.
00:52:26.000 And he's like, oh, I do not want to be associated with this.
00:52:28.000 He's just so uncomfortable.
00:52:30.000 I know.
00:52:31.000 He got so...
00:52:32.000 I mean, that was like one of the blackest, most dangerous things you could say.
00:52:36.000 And he was like, what?
00:52:37.000 Why am I in this picture? 0.96
00:52:39.000 George Bush does not like black people. 0.98
00:52:41.000 Wow. 1.00
00:52:41.000 George Bush hates black people, right? 1.00
00:52:42.000 Did he say hates or does not like? 1.00
00:52:43.000 George Bush hates black people? 0.99
00:52:45.000 Yeah, I think it did. 0.99
00:52:46.000 He said hates? 1.00
00:52:47.000 George Bush hates black people. 0.99
00:52:48.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:52:49.000 You know, why is that guy still on TV? He's like fucking spidey. 0.99
00:52:53.000 But now he's on TV because he's a douchebag and because people are looking for him to do something wrong. 0.99
00:52:58.000 His reason for being on TV has evolved. 0.84
00:53:00.000 It used to be like, here's this young artist. 0.99
00:53:03.000 Now it's like, this guy's such a cock. 0.99
00:53:04.000 Like, have him close to the camera and he'll probably do something stupid and everybody will hate him and it'll get you a million hits on YouTube. 1.00
00:53:10.000 You know, like when he took that microphone away from that girl, he'll be hated forever. 0.97
00:53:14.000 You don't do that!
00:53:16.000 What was even worse was his fake apology on Leno later.
00:53:20.000 He was trying to work up tears, but he couldn't quite do it.
00:53:22.000 Oh, he's so weak.
00:53:24.000 He was just saying he's going to take a step back and he's not going to work on some show. 1.00
00:53:28.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00
00:53:30.000 My favorite is when he says, please, just let me be great. 1.00
00:53:34.000 George Bush doesn't care.
00:53:38.000 Yeah, that's what I thought it was.
00:53:39.000 Thank you, our adder boy.
00:53:42.000 Yeah, hate is a very strong word.
00:53:44.000 Hate might make Mike Myers flinch and pee a little.
00:53:48.000 Yeah.
00:53:49.000 Let a little dribble go. 0.99
00:53:51.000 This could ruin my career.
00:53:53.000 What happened to that dude?
00:53:54.000 Mike Myers?
00:53:55.000 They're actually making a new Austin Powers movie right now.
00:53:58.000 That last movie was Death.
00:54:02.000 Tarantino put him in Glorious Bastards.
00:54:05.000 And it was horrible!
00:54:07.000 It was weird because it wasn't being funny so then it's like why would you put clearly someone who's known as a comedic actor...
00:54:15.000 That last movie just rubbed me the wrong way.
00:54:18.000 I was like, dude, you're doing the same movie.
00:54:20.000 Yeah, but it's an Indian movie.
00:54:22.000 So I Married an Axe Murder wasn't bad.
00:54:24.000 Because it wasn't overdoing it.
00:54:25.000 It was just like a little bit like, I never saw that.
00:54:29.000 That was a great movie, 10 years ago.
00:54:34.000 People are asking to take a break.
00:54:36.000 Why?
00:54:36.000 Because we've been on straight for a while.
00:54:39.000 What does that mean? 1.00
00:54:40.000 They can't leave the fucking screen? 1.00
00:54:42.000 Smoke breaks when I go to the bathroom when I get up. 1.00
00:54:46.000 We're done.
00:54:47.000 Because it's 4.30 and I have to do some sort of an interview with some people in Australia for a gig I'm doing in Australia.
00:54:56.000 Just, I'm not trying to drop names.
00:54:58.000 You know what I'm saying?
00:54:59.000 I'm doing theater in Australia.
00:55:00.000 Kicking it international style like my boy Soulja Boy.
00:55:04.000 Holla.
00:55:04.000 What happened to that guy?
00:55:05.000 Soulja Boy.
00:55:07.000 This is a knife guy.
00:55:09.000 Oh, yeah.
00:55:09.000 He used to be like...
00:55:10.000 He got as famous as was possible for him.
00:55:14.000 Yeah.
00:55:14.000 Wasn't he in commercials first?
00:55:16.000 Yes.
00:55:17.000 He was huge.
00:55:18.000 Somebody just made a reference.
00:55:19.000 Paul Hogan, right?
00:55:20.000 Yeah.
00:55:20.000 Was that a family guy or Simpsons just made a reference about him?
00:55:23.000 He was like, I want to get hugely famous like that guy from Crocodile Dundee.
00:55:28.000 Yeah, and then not famous at all like that guy from Crocodile Dundee.
00:55:32.000 Yeah, how weird is that? 0.91
00:55:33.000 That guy was doing movies and shit? 0.94
00:55:35.000 He took his millions and left. 0.98
00:55:36.000 Yeah, is that what he did?
00:55:38.000 I think we got sick of him as a country.
00:55:41.000 But he only did two Crocodile Dundees.
00:55:43.000 And then no other movies?
00:55:45.000 Didn't try to be in someone else's film?
00:55:48.000 Yeah, you didn't see him in a romantic comedy.
00:55:50.000 Yeah, you'd think you would have tried.
00:55:52.000 You're the crocodile guy. 1.00
00:55:53.000 He must have lost some money on his movie and said, fuck him. 1.00
00:55:56.000 Have you seen the preview for the new MacGruger movie? 0.99
00:55:58.000 You know that MacGruger, MacGyver?
00:56:00.000 They make a whole movie about it?
00:56:00.000 They may have a whole movie coming out.
00:56:02.000 And usually SNL movies...
00:56:03.000 MacGyver or MacGroover?
00:56:04.000 MacGroover.
00:56:05.000 It's a take on MacGyver on Saturday Night Live.
00:56:08.000 And there's a movie out there?
00:56:08.000 They're making a movie, and they have a new preview that just came out.
00:56:12.000 And the funny thing about SNL movies is that they usually always have the best parts in the preview.
00:56:17.000 There's not one part in this movie that looks good. 0.99
00:56:20.000 It's That is the worst when you go to a preview and you just sit there and go, oh, what the fuck are they doing? 0.95
00:56:27.000 Why would someone promote this? 0.93
00:56:30.000 There's nothing worse than bad comedy because at least bad drama is hilarious.
00:56:34.000 Bad drama like Showgirls or something like that, those are genuinely funny movies.
00:56:38.000 I got some Left Behinds. 0.98
00:56:41.000 They're the Rapture videos that fucking Kirk Cameron dude makes. 1.00
00:56:47.000 Holy shit, are they awesome. 1.00
00:56:49.000 They're so good. 1.00
00:56:50.000 They're so beautifully stupid. 1.00
00:56:52.000 Watching Kirk Cameron get owned on YouTube is one of my favorite pastimes. 1.00
00:56:56.000 He's so dumb. 0.99
00:56:57.000 I saw a Kirk Cameron movie in the theater. 1.00
00:57:00.000 Did you really?
00:57:01.000 The one where he was on the debate team.
00:57:03.000 I don't remember what it was, but it was like a group date with Connelly and a few other people.
00:57:08.000 We got driven there.
00:57:10.000 I think Connelly had her license. 1.00
00:57:11.000 Yeah, it was a debate movie.
00:57:13.000 And I remember the big climax at the end was like, Because some teacher taught them in a clear move to the rest of the movie that he sounded like he was being real, but he really wasn't.
00:57:23.000 And then later was like, were you serious about that?
00:57:25.000 He was like, yeah, I was. 0.99
00:57:27.000 I guarantee you, Kirk Cameron loves the cock. 1.00
00:57:31.000 I guarantee you he loves the cock. 1.00
00:57:33.000 There's no doubt about it. 1.00
00:57:35.000 There's no way he's that crazy, gung-ho, Jesus, the rapture, no sin, no masturbation, no love. 1.00
00:57:43.000 Fucking gay as the day is long. 1.00
00:57:46.000 I don't think so. 1.00
00:57:46.000 You know who said that? 1.00
00:57:47.000 I think he's fighting it with every fiber of his being, trying to stay in the straight and narrow, and like girls, and meanwhile, he just wants fucking... 1.00
00:57:56.000 Cough. 1.00
00:57:58.000 Mouth and ass. 1.00
00:57:59.000 I just heard that Herschel Walker was talking about when you were doing his fight, strike voice, and he said he doesn't masturbate. 1.00
00:58:05.000 Yeah, but he's crazy. 0.98
00:58:06.000 Herschel Walker's got, like, split personality disorder. 0.97
00:58:10.000 Yes.
00:58:10.000 I heard it was trauma-related.
00:58:12.000 I thought it was trauma-related.
00:58:14.000 He said that, like, he didn't remember getting his Heisman Trophy.
00:58:17.000 Like, he's got all these different...
00:58:19.000 Well, dude, think about how many times that guy must have had concussions.
00:58:22.000 I don't know if he's a big concussion guy, though.
00:58:24.000 He plays football.
00:58:25.000 Everybody gets concussions playing football, right?
00:58:27.000 Quarterbacks get it.
00:58:28.000 No, a quarterback who's had the most will be like eight ever.
00:58:33.000 But that's quarterbacks who take blindside hits all the time.
00:58:36.000 Jesus. 0.98
00:58:36.000 Who's standing there when somebody fucking crushed them helmet to helmet, which doesn't happen as much. 0.98
00:58:39.000 Yeah, but any time you get hit... 0.99
00:58:41.000 Even if you're not getting a concussion, you're getting fucking rattled. 0.96
00:58:45.000 Even if you get up and you get back up, when you get smashed into by some giant dude who's running a full clip, even if you don't go out, and even if you don't have a concussion where your pupils are dilated, you got some brain damage, son. 0.98
00:58:58.000 You just got jarred.
00:59:00.000 That's reality. 1.00
00:59:01.000 And when you do that shit over and over and over again, football's one of the most dangerous things. 1.00
00:59:06.000 I saw Ben Roethlisberger last week. 1.00
00:59:08.000 No, it wouldn't have been Roethlisberger.
00:59:10.000 Was there a big quarterback?
00:59:11.000 Whoever it was.
00:59:12.000 Oh, Kurt Warner.
00:59:13.000 Who threw an interception, went to make a tackle, and then he just got blindsided.
00:59:17.000 And you see him on the ground with his trainers over him, and he's like talking, but you can clearly see he's not making any sense.
00:59:21.000 He's like, no, no, I'm on the...
00:59:23.000 And they're like, alright, stay, stay.
00:59:26.000 Wow, that's nuts.
00:59:27.000 That happens a lot.
00:59:28.000 I got one concussion once.
00:59:30.000 Really?
00:59:30.000 I thought Danny Bonaduce hit me in the back of the head.
00:59:35.000 We were sparring.
00:59:35.000 And I... And I kind of went down, but he said it was the slowest knockout ever.
00:59:41.000 Like I went to one knee and he goes, are you okay?
00:59:43.000 And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm good.
00:59:44.000 And then I went to the other knee.
00:59:45.000 Are you sure you're okay?
00:59:46.000 Yeah, everything's fine.
00:59:47.000 I'm just going to like, literally, I'm just going to, I'm going to lay here for a second.
00:59:49.000 Do we have time if I can lay here?
00:59:51.000 That's what I'm saying to him.
00:59:52.000 Oh my God.
00:59:52.000 That makes sense to you.
00:59:53.000 Long story short, a girlfriend I was dating that time came to my apartment, goes, you bought a VCR? And I go, no.
01:00:00.000 She goes, there's a Best Buy with a VCR thing over there.
01:00:02.000 Whose is it?
01:00:03.000 Go over, it's my signature.
01:00:06.000 This is back when people bought DVDs, though.
01:00:08.000 So I even bought the older VCR, and I bought it the way home after I left the place.
01:00:14.000 Wow.
01:00:15.000 You didn't realize you bought it.
01:00:16.000 And then she goes, what's the matter with you or whatever?
01:00:18.000 And I go, wow, it's fine.
01:00:19.000 And then she's like, you look...
01:00:21.000 And then we went to the...
01:00:23.000 Doctors, and then I lifted up a foot, and I fell, and the whole thing.
01:00:27.000 Wow.
01:00:28.000 That sounds like a state of when you wake up, and somebody's like...
01:00:30.000 Well, there's no football players that said they don't remember.
01:00:32.000 Like, Traikman said he would play a whole quarter and didn't remember playing the whole...
01:00:36.000 Some fighter said that. 0.99
01:00:38.000 Joe Dirksen fought Patrick Cote, and it was an awesome fight.
01:00:41.000 Patrick Cote caught him with a big shot, had Dirksen hurt, and then Dirksen wound up taking his back and choking him out. 0.99
01:00:46.000 It was fucking chaos. 0.98
01:00:48.000 Great fight. 0.99
01:00:49.000 And I ran into Dirksen after the fight.
01:00:51.000 We were on the way to the press conference. 0.98
01:00:52.000 I go, dude, that was a fucking awesome fight. 0.98
01:00:54.000 I go, what a comfort behind victory. 0.98
01:00:55.000 He goes, I don't remember it.
01:00:57.000 He goes, I don't remember what happened.
01:00:58.000 I go, you don't remember what happened?
01:00:59.000 He goes, no, man, he cracked me.
01:01:00.000 I don't remember what happened.
01:01:01.000 I got his back.
01:01:03.000 But this wasn't even an interview.
01:01:04.000 This was just me and him backstage.
01:01:05.000 I go, you got his back, and you did the BJ Penn.
01:01:08.000 You pulled the hook over the arm to trap the arm, and you choked him out.
01:01:11.000 I go, it was beautiful, man.
01:01:12.000 Wait till you see it.
01:01:13.000 He goes, I don't remember it.
01:01:14.000 I go, wow.
01:01:16.000 That's crazy.
01:01:17.000 There was one guy who did an interview and he goes, I don't remember that.
01:01:20.000 I thought it was a joke.
01:01:20.000 And then he was like, oh, no, I don't remember this at all.
01:01:24.000 Was that against Danny?
01:01:25.000 Colin Miller against Dan Lozon.
01:01:26.000 He got dropped.
01:01:28.000 And I go, what were you thinking?
01:01:29.000 How bad did we hurt when he got dropped?
01:01:31.000 He goes, I got dropped?
01:01:32.000 He didn't remember it.
01:01:33.000 When he came on, he goes, oh, wow, I did.
01:01:35.000 Like his reaction was so real.
01:01:37.000 Tim Sylvia, when he fought, what's his name?
01:01:42.000 Randy Couture.
01:01:42.000 When Tim Sylvia got cracked in the first round, he woke up going into the fourth round.
01:01:49.000 He didn't know what round it was.
01:01:50.000 He thought the second round was the fourth round.
01:01:52.000 Or he thought the fourth round was the second round.
01:01:53.000 Or the fifth, I think.
01:01:56.000 It might have been the fifth.
01:01:57.000 Because they told him, this is the last round.
01:01:58.000 He was like, what the last round?
01:01:59.000 He thought it was the second round.
01:02:01.000 He was gone.
01:02:02.000 He was fighting on autopilot.
01:02:05.000 It's just your body trying not to die.
01:02:08.000 You know, just random nerves just randomly thrown.
01:02:13.000 Getting blasted.
01:02:14.000 I love, like, striking training.
01:02:16.000 I love, like, hitting the pad and hitting the bag.
01:02:19.000 And sparring with somebody you can trust is fun.
01:02:22.000 Yeah, if you can find that guy that knows 70% is 70%.
01:02:25.000 Didn't some dude punch you in the face recently in your Krav Maga class?
01:02:30.000 Yeah, same thing.
01:02:31.000 That's why, like, I enjoy training, like you said.
01:02:35.000 We're doing, literally I go, let's go 40% because I got some...
01:02:39.000 Right.
01:02:39.000 And if people don't know, when you do like striking sparring, the whole deal is that you don't hit each other hard.
01:02:44.000 You hit each other like a little bit, but you don't try to knock each other out.
01:02:48.000 Yeah, there's nothing.
01:02:49.000 And so I'm like, and my problem is I don't get in close enough.
01:02:53.000 So I told the guy, let's go 40. That way if I do get drilled right in the face, it's not going to...
01:02:58.000 So then I throw a kick, but I'm throwing a kick at 40%, which means any little kick could grab that kick.
01:03:05.000 It's not going fast.
01:03:07.000 So he swoops it, grabs it, and then punches as hard as he could after he catches my foot.
01:03:14.000 And then I'm just laying there and I'm like, yeah, that's why I'm going to do more jiu-jitsu.
01:03:18.000 Because the worst thing that's going to happen to me is somebody's going to tap me out.
01:03:22.000 I mean, that could be that fluke.
01:03:24.000 Yeah, you get angry occasionally.
01:03:26.000 But it's more of a, not a gentleman's sport, it's just, uh, people are cool.
01:03:30.000 It's more technical.
01:03:30.000 It's more technical, and the worst thing that's happened is I go like that, and I'm not going, man, are you just weird.
01:03:36.000 And they drill me in the face.
01:03:38.000 And good guys don't hurt you.
01:03:40.000 Good guys are the least you have to worry about.
01:03:42.000 With a guy like Eddie, if he gets your arm, he's going to have full control.
01:03:45.000 He's not going to pull it back and snap it.
01:03:47.000 You've got to worry about strong blue belts that are just starting to learn how to tap people. 1.00
01:03:51.000 Those are the ones you've got to worry about.
01:03:53.000 Or they're just real hyper-aggressive and they don't know how to relax yet.
01:03:58.000 Or super powerful white belts.
01:03:59.000 We're just learning moves. 1.00
01:04:01.000 The most you'll get is bruises all over your fucking... 0.99
01:04:04.000 Well, when you spar somebody, especially if I find a place where I'm performing, that's a better story for them, is being knocked out the comic that was. 0.99
01:04:12.000 That's a way better story than, hey, I want to work on getting inside.
01:04:15.000 Do you mind if I... But then again, there's some places that you go to where people don't try to do that at all.
01:04:19.000 Like when I went to Amal Easton's place in Boulder, when I moved there and I started training there, people couldn't have been nicer.
01:04:26.000 Everybody was cool. 0.94
01:04:28.000 There was no assholes. 0.98
01:04:29.000 There was no aggro dudes. 0.99
01:04:30.000 No one trying to tap you.
01:04:31.000 No one getting crazy.
01:04:32.000 I mean, they were trying to tap you, but they weren't trying to hurt anybody.
01:04:37.000 They were just rolling.
01:04:38.000 It's all from how cool the instructor is.
01:04:41.000 If the instructor's cool, then the people are cool.
01:04:43.000 Like, Eddie's so friendly and so relaxed and so cool to everybody that everybody in the whole gym carries that friendly, relaxed attitude.
01:04:50.000 You know, you go to like John Jock's, the same thing.
01:04:53.000 John Jock's a real nice guy.
01:04:54.000 So everybody there is nice.
01:04:55.000 Eddie was so high the other day that he started talking and he went up to his hand and then I was like, I wonder if...
01:05:00.000 And then you see the other people laughing like, he's gone.
01:05:03.000 He got so high, he spent the first five minutes of class talking about some History Channel documentary on UFOs.
01:05:08.000 The first five minutes, like, dude, they got scientists, man.
01:05:12.000 They got NASA. NASA people, man.
01:05:15.000 Shit is going down. 1.00
01:05:16.000 Should we be doing set-up slides again? 0.99
01:05:18.000 Yeah.
01:05:18.000 It's like, dude, it's on the history channel.
01:05:20.000 Shit's going down. 0.99
01:05:22.000 I'm like, how high are you right now? 1.00
01:05:24.000 How often do you do it?
01:05:26.000 Like once to 1.5 times a week.
01:05:29.000 But you still don't see.
01:05:31.000 Even that once.
01:05:32.000 Yeah.
01:05:33.000 Get you thinking about it.
01:05:34.000 I just get so mad at myself, like I'll go, you learn some stuff and then you come back and you just hold somebody going, I used to remember something.
01:05:41.000 I don't remember today and then...
01:05:43.000 You try to hold it more and figure it out.
01:05:44.000 It's consistently, you gotta just be like running so many times.
01:05:46.000 I don't know when you just stand up and you take a couple of weeks off and then try to do your act.
01:05:49.000 How does this go?
01:05:50.000 You don't even remember your bets.
01:05:51.000 You have to like review your recordings. 0.98
01:05:53.000 I forgot a shit time. 0.98
01:05:54.000 I took extended period off and I forgot a shit time. 0.98
01:05:56.000 I was like, I know I can do something here. 0.88
01:05:58.000 I don't have any idea. 1.00
01:06:00.000 You forget a lot of shit. 0.99
01:06:01.000 I completely forgot how to do this. 1.00
01:06:03.000 There's this move to break the arm bar loose called the Silverado.
01:06:06.000 It was my favorite move when I was at Purple Belt.
01:06:08.000 I completely forgot about it.
01:06:09.000 We were reviewing it the other night.
01:06:11.000 I'm like, oh yeah, it's there.
01:06:12.000 That's how it goes in.
01:06:14.000 I forgot how to do it.
01:06:16.000 But it was one of my favorite moves.
01:06:18.000 It's weird.
01:06:19.000 Jiu-Jitsu, there's so many moves.
01:06:21.000 That's the crazy thing about it is.
01:06:22.000 It's never-ending.
01:06:23.000 Do you think it's not matched, right?
01:06:26.000 Do you think a year from now some guy will do something that's...
01:06:29.000 Oh, yeah.
01:06:29.000 No one's done.
01:06:30.000 Because it comes off what other people are doing.
01:06:32.000 Yeah.
01:06:32.000 It depends on what you do.
01:06:34.000 But then no one has ever thought to defend this move yet because it hasn't been invented.
01:06:37.000 Once it does get invented, then you've got to have a counter.
01:06:39.000 There's this new move that dudes have been doing real recently called the Japanese necktie.
01:06:43.000 And it's just come out.
01:06:44.000 I think Aoki was the first person to do it.
01:06:47.000 Get him the Peruvian.
01:06:48.000 Yeah, the Japanese necktie is sort of like a darse, but you grab it with a gable grip and you turn the guy's head up towards his chest and you have your chest pinned on him. 0.99
01:06:59.000 It's fucking nasty! 0.99
01:07:00.000 And it's new! 1.00
01:07:02.000 How did no one know this before?
01:07:04.000 People are in this position all the time, they're trying to get the darse choke, but really there's an even better choke that's right there. 0.99
01:07:10.000 As soon as you lock up that gable grip and you get on top of the guy, you tuck it under and you're bending his fucking neck towards his chest. 0.98
01:07:17.000 Your chest is on top of his head. 0.99
01:07:19.000 He's got no air, no blood.
01:07:21.000 Whenever we do those drills and it's those cranks, I always pretend like we have an odd number of people in the class if I don't have a partner.
01:07:27.000 No, you should do it, man.
01:07:29.000 You should do it.
01:07:29.000 They hurt.
01:07:30.000 Yeah, but you do it anyway.
01:07:31.000 You got to relax.
01:07:32.000 Just let them yank your neck around. 1.00
01:07:33.000 It's such a small difference between fine and serious pain.
01:07:36.000 Yeah, but you got to get used to that.
01:07:38.000 No one's going to hurt you doing that, you know, but it's going to be uncomfortable.
01:07:42.000 But that move, it's so important to learn where it comes on.
01:07:46.000 Because the Japanese necktie comes on so quick.
01:07:48.000 The Peruvian necktie too, it's like you're going like this and then you're just jumping back and hopefully you don't go too far.
01:07:54.000 It's a spazzy move.
01:07:56.000 It's an awesome move. 1.00
01:07:58.000 Peruvian necktie and Japanese necktie, both of them are the shit. 1.00
01:08:01.000 They fuck you up, man. 1.00
01:08:02.000 That's a terrible position to be in. 1.00
01:08:04.000 I think the Japanese necktie is even...
01:08:05.000 Well, Peruvian is pretty badass, too.
01:08:08.000 In the Peruvian, you got your weight on top of them, always. 1.00
01:08:10.000 The Japanese necktie, you're kind of like on the side and hooking it, but it doesn't matter.
01:08:15.000 It's so good.
01:08:16.000 Such a powerful move like that.
01:08:18.000 I think we're done.
01:08:19.000 Do you agree, Brian?
01:08:21.000 I was just thinking of Japanese people.
01:08:22.000 I'm like, have I ever seen a Japanese guy wear a necktie? 1.00
01:08:25.000 Oh, okay.
01:08:26.000 Okay. 0.99
01:08:28.000 Well, what about that fucking Japanese video game? 0.99
01:08:32.000 That video that you posted? 0.99
01:08:33.000 Maybe we should end with that, because that is the most bizarre fucking thing I think I've ever seen on the internet. 0.99
01:08:38.000 There's some crazy Japanese video game that's like these two muscle-bound gay guys wearing diapers. 1.00
01:08:43.000 And they're a human bicycle, and they're riding down the road, and they're getting chased. 0.95
01:08:49.000 I mean, it is one of the gayest, weirdest things. 1.00
01:08:52.000 Japanese lead the league in weirdness. 1.00
01:08:55.000 God, it's so strange.
01:08:57.000 Do you know, for people who don't know, there's like, you can go to vending machines in Japan, and you can buy used panties.
01:09:03.000 Like, that's real.
01:09:05.000 Yeah, you go places, they sell used panties. 1.00
01:09:08.000 Why couldn't we open one of those there?
01:09:10.000 Could you open one of those here?
01:09:12.000 All you have to do is get a girl to put it on real quick, throw it in a bag, and then it's... 1.00
01:09:15.000 Yeah, I think you have to have enough people that are going to cool and buying it.
01:09:17.000 Because I think...
01:09:19.000 You should have different levels.
01:09:20.000 You should have different levels.
01:09:21.000 One, the girl wears it all day.
01:09:23.000 That's the primo.
01:09:24.000 She doesn't change her panties all day. 1.00
01:09:26.000 No shower in the morning.
01:09:27.000 No shower. 0.86
01:09:28.000 She goes to the gym, and you get those stinky, sweaty, funky... 0.96
01:09:33.000 Moose knuckle underwears. 0.77
01:09:35.000 I think you missed an opportunity for the Joe Rogan fanny pack line.
01:09:39.000 I'm going to make them.
01:09:41.000 And I was already thinking about your fashion show.
01:09:43.000 I'm making fanny packs.
01:09:45.000 And then have used panties like that. 1.00
01:09:47.000 We'll call them Rogan.
01:09:48.000 I mean, you could probably get it so instead of it's fanny pack, it's, oh, you want a Rogan?
01:09:52.000 I mean, there's some huge...
01:09:53.000 Yeah.
01:09:54.000 People think I'm kidding about the fanny pack thing.
01:09:58.000 You see me at the airport.
01:09:59.000 I always have one of those things.
01:10:00.000 You should shape a fanny pack like a skull, like a three-dimensional skull.
01:10:03.000 You can get a little crazy with it. 0.95
01:10:05.000 It's overhead compartment for your junk, you know?
01:10:08.000 You're saying the sky's the limit on fanny packs.
01:10:12.000 It's a huge opening.
01:10:13.000 So easy to wear, so comfortable, so useful. 1.00
01:10:16.000 Fanny pack's the shit. 1.00
01:10:18.000 And then I can see fighters entering. 1.00
01:10:20.000 Well, that'd be a little bit of a thing, but sponsored by...
01:10:23.000 After seeing the Jew clam, what's going to shock us? 1.00
01:10:28.000 This video we're going to show you is not as shocking as the Jew clan. 1.00
01:10:31.000 I gotta pee. 0.70
01:10:32.000 Goodbye, everybody.
01:10:33.000 This is actually funny.
01:10:35.000 R's gonna pee. 1.00
01:10:36.000 Here, we'll turn off the webcam now and check it out.
01:10:39.000 Alright, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for another fun, fun Ustream podcast.
01:10:44.000 I hope you enjoyed it.
01:10:45.000 John Hefron needs more Twitter followers, people.
01:10:48.000 It's at John Hefron.
01:10:50.000 Hefron with two F's. 1.00
01:10:52.000 And we love you, bitches. 1.00
01:10:53.000 Thanks for tuning in. 1.00
01:10:55.000 Thanks.
01:10:56.000 Have you seen this, John?
01:11:02.000 Uh-oh.
01:11:02.000 Have you seen this John?
01:11:03.000 Uh-oh.
01:11:04.000 *Sounds of music* *Sounds of music* *Sounds of music* *Sounds of music* Run uwu!
01:11:17.000 Oh, man.
01:11:18.000 Oh, man. man.
01:11:48.000 Oh, man. man.
01:12:18.000 Oh, man. man.
01:12:46.000 Look at the baby, son.
01:12:47.000 Teletubbies.
01:12:48.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:12:51.000 Bye.