The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #542 - Greg Fitzsimmons

00:00:02.000 Hello, fuckers. 1.00

00:00:03.000 What's cracking? 1.00

00:00:05.000 Waiting for an answer.

00:00:07.000 This episode of the podcast is brought to you by a new sponsor, DraftKings.com.

00:00:11.000 While we were in Denver last week, I got schooled on the wonders of...

00:00:16.000 What's the best way to describe this?

00:00:19.000 This new activity that a lot of you folks are engaging in called Fantasy Football.

00:00:25.000 It's basically the premise of our friend Steve Renazizi's show, The League...

00:00:31.000 Dungeons and Dragons for jocks.

00:00:34.000 Yes, Dungeons and Dragons for people who are really into sports.

00:00:38.000 And Jamie's a fanatic, and it was sad seeing him scramble to try to make his picks.

00:00:44.000 But...

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00:00:58.000 Now, I don't know much about fantasy football, but I'm going to have to learn about it now, because Jamie completely perplexed me this past week. 0.99

00:01:04.000 Greg Fitzsimmons is here, and he wrote a Doors logo like we're in high school, and he wrote it on his fucking... 0.69

00:01:09.000 Remember we used to do those Van Halen things with the wings? 0.98

00:01:13.000 Everybody used to do that on their...

00:01:14.000 And the Rolling Stones lips.

00:01:15.000 Yes!

00:01:16.000 Everybody used to do that in their notebooks.

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00:01:45.000 Is that real? 0.99

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00:01:47.000 That's incredible.

00:01:48.000 Because he picked Shaquille O'Neal.

00:01:49.000 It's rookie year.

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00:01:54.000 Can you do that?

00:01:55.000 You have to pick people that are playing right now.

00:01:58.000 You don't even know how it goes.

00:02:00.000 Don't you know Shaquille O'Neal retired? 1.00

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00:02:02.000 Doesn't he play basketball? 0.99

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00:02:39.000 That's DraftKings.com. 0.98

00:02:42.000 And that is the end of the fucking sponsors for today. 0.97

00:02:46.000 Why have more when you have Greg Fitzsimmons and his Doors logo? 0.97

00:02:50.000 I am, yeah, I am a sponsor.

00:02:52.000 Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out!

00:02:54.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:02:56.000 Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day!

00:03:02.000 Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons.

00:03:05.000 Oh man.

00:03:06.000 What's up buddy?

00:03:07.000 Smoke a little, write a Doors logo, settle in.

00:03:10.000 Greg wrote a, for folks who are just tuning in now, Greg wrote a Doors logo on his notebook like as if we were in high school.

00:03:19.000 We all used to do that in high school.

00:03:21.000 I used to do the KISS logo.

00:03:22.000 I was a big KISS fan.

00:03:23.000 Right.

00:03:25.000 KISS, the S's were like triangles on top, right? 1.00

00:03:29.000 Yeah, it's like, well, the S's go like a Z, sort of. 0.96

00:03:33.000 Oh, right.

00:03:34.000 Hey, do bands do that anymore?

00:03:37.000 Do they still have logos?

00:03:39.000 Yeah.

00:03:40.000 But do they have logos that kids draw on their notebooks or anything?

00:03:43.000 N-I-N. Yeah, but Nine Inch Nails is not today.

00:03:46.000 Nine Inch Nails is from the 90s.

00:03:48.000 Like, bands of today.

00:03:50.000 The kids that were really stoned could do Led Zeppelin.

00:03:52.000 Remember, it had like a million little scribbles.

00:03:55.000 Yeah, and kids got props that were really good at that.

00:03:58.000 Like, a kid could do a solid Doors logo from scratch.

00:04:02.000 Like, wow. 0.96

00:04:03.000 Well, one of my best friends, we used to sit in the back row, baked, in eighth grade, and he would draw on desks, you know, shit like the Doors logos and all that, and I was the class clown. 0.85

00:04:14.000 And now, like, all these years later, he's one of the top record designers in the country. 0.83

00:04:19.000 Wow.

00:04:20.000 Yeah.

00:04:20.000 He worked for Jimi Hendrix's estate for a while.

00:04:22.000 Doing all those, like, re-releases that they did, he did all those album covers.

00:04:26.000 Wow.

00:04:26.000 My uncle used to do that.

00:04:28.000 My uncle used to work for Howard Marks Advertising, which was the company that used to produce Kiss album covers.

00:04:34.000 And I was a little kid.

00:04:35.000 I met Ace Frehley.

00:04:36.000 Ace Frehley came into the office and he had no makeup on, which was just insane. 0.99

00:04:40.000 It was like I was seeing the Easter Bunny without his fucking clothes on. 1.00

00:04:44.000 I was like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:04:45.000 I couldn't even believe he was really there. 1.00

00:04:47.000 And the fact that he didn't have makeup on, it was almost like a life-changing event for a 10-year-old or whatever the fuck I was. 0.98

00:04:54.000 Right. 0.96

00:04:54.000 Because I couldn't believe Ace really didn't have his makeup on. 0.96

00:04:58.000 How's he just walking around?

00:05:00.000 And then I realized what a brilliant move that was.

00:05:02.000 They were famous, but nobody knew what they looked like.

00:05:06.000 Genius.

00:05:06.000 Oh, it's the greatest move of all time.

00:05:09.000 Yeah.

00:05:09.000 Like, look, the Insane Clown Posse has the same thing.

00:05:12.000 The Insane Clown Posse could be at the fucking 7-Eleven right next to you buying cigarettes. 0.99

00:05:16.000 You would have no idea. 1.00

00:05:17.000 Right.

00:05:18.000 You don't know what they look like.

00:05:19.000 Is that what they look like?

00:05:19.000 No, that's Ace Frehley.

00:05:20.000 That's Ace Frehley today.

00:05:21.000 Or voiceover guys.

00:05:22.000 Like, they got Matt Groening and the guys that do the Simpsons voices.

00:05:25.000 They're making more than anybody and they can sit in a restaurant without getting annoyed.

00:05:31.000 Yeah, that's so true.

00:05:33.000 Well, Matt Stone and Trey Parker became famous.

00:05:36.000 They became famous.

00:05:37.000 They did their own movie, and then they've done so many interviews.

00:05:40.000 They took acid and went to the Oscars.

00:05:43.000 Remember that?

00:05:43.000 No!

00:05:44.000 Women's dresses. 1.00

00:05:45.000 No shit! 1.00

00:05:46.000 I remember that. 1.00

00:05:47.000 I didn't know they were on acid.

00:05:49.000 That's amazing.

00:05:52.000 They're the greatest.

00:05:53.000 They're so important for the culture.

00:05:54.000 Guys like that are so important. 0.85

00:05:56.000 Guys that can make those kind of shows, they're so fucking important. 0.75

00:05:59.000 Did you see The Book of Mormon?

00:06:00.000 Yes.

00:06:01.000 Dude.

00:06:01.000 Loved it.

00:06:02.000 That opening song, I started laughing so fucking hard, and then I looked around the theater, and people come in, and they know it's Matt Stone and Trey Parker, so they're like, all right, this is going to be shocking. 0.69

00:06:14.000 Right. 1.00

00:06:14.000 But then when they start singing Fuck God and the Mouth, Ass, and Cunt... 1.00

00:06:19.000 And I'm laughing, and I see the people are pulling back. 1.00

00:06:22.000 Half the audience can't handle it.

00:06:23.000 That makes me laugh twice as hard.

00:06:25.000 And they're, like, far into the whole next scene, and I'm still doubled over.

00:06:30.000 Oh, God. 0.97

00:06:31.000 That was fucking brilliant. 0.98

00:06:34.000 Here's them with the office. 0.98

00:06:34.000 Is that why you're in the dress? 0.98

00:06:36.000 It's just such a magical evening, and everyone looks so spectacular.

00:06:40.000 We just wanted to be a part of it all.

00:06:41.000 It's a night of magic.

00:06:43.000 What?

00:06:44.000 It's a night of magic.

00:06:49.000 It's a night of magic.

00:06:52.000 That's great. 1.00

00:06:54.000 Dude, when they did that fucking South Park movie and Satan and Saddam Hussein were in bed together and you see Satan's dick and they're allowed to show his dick because it's fake. 1.00

00:07:03.000 It's because it's rubber. 1.00

00:07:04.000 So they have this rubber dick. 1.00

00:07:06.000 It was the movie. 1.00

00:07:08.000 It's so ridiculous. 1.00

00:07:09.000 Come on, just suck my dick. 1.00

00:07:11.000 It was so ridiculous. 1.00

00:07:13.000 You're like, how are they getting away with this? 0.98

00:07:15.000 They push so hard, too. 0.99

00:07:17.000 One of the reasons why they get away with putting all their shit in the movies is they put a bunch of stuff in the movies that are so fucked up that they have some bargaining tools. 0.99

00:07:25.000 They'll cut out some of this other stuff that they weren't planning on putting in there anyway. 0.99

00:07:28.000 Have you ever seen the full sex scene between the two puppets in Team America? 0.67

00:07:33.000 No. 1.00

00:07:34.000 They shit on each other. 1.00

00:07:35.000 They piss on each other. 1.00

00:07:36.000 I mean, it's crazy. 0.99

00:07:37.000 He drops a log on her chest. 1.00

00:07:40.000 It's so ridiculous. 0.99

00:07:41.000 That's what they cut out and then they released it? 0.98

00:07:43.000 Yeah.

00:07:43.000 So the scene is insane already.

00:07:46.000 I remember the scene's insane, right?

00:07:48.000 It was way over the top in real life.

00:07:50.000 Or the original version.

00:07:52.000 But they probably... 1.00

00:07:53.000 I know they do that shit on purpose. 1.00

00:07:55.000 We used to do that... 1.00

00:07:56.000 Paul Sims used to do that on news radio.

00:07:58.000 On purpose.

00:07:59.000 Right? 1.00

00:07:59.000 They would say penis. 1.00

00:08:01.000 There was an episode where Bill McNeil, Phil Hartman's character, had to say penis on the air. 0.99

00:08:07.000 And he said penis like a hundred times. 0.99

00:08:10.000 And they put in all these extra penises so they could trim it down. 1.00

00:08:14.000 And that episode didn't air until the third season. 0.95

00:08:18.000 They pulled that episode.

00:08:19.000 They're like, it's too controversial.

00:08:21.000 And then they aired it in the third or fourth season.

00:08:24.000 Did it seem weird?

00:08:24.000 Did anyone look different?

00:08:26.000 Out of nowhere, one week, somebody had purple hair instead or shorter hair?

00:08:30.000 What do you mean?

00:08:31.000 Because it was a different season, right?

00:08:32.000 No, no, no.

00:08:33.000 Well, yeah, it would definitely look different.

00:08:36.000 Three years, people's faces change a little.

00:08:38.000 Just a slight amount.

00:08:40.000 I went to the...

00:08:42.000 Phil Hartman had a star of fame put on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

00:08:51.000 We're good to go.

00:09:05.000 Who I picture as this boy-faced young kid, this hilarious writer, Lou Morton.

00:09:10.000 He had gray hair.

00:09:11.000 I was like, wow!

00:09:12.000 Look at me.

00:09:14.000 Now we just got together, me and a few college friends.

00:09:16.000 I hadn't seen them in years. 0.99

00:09:18.000 And I looked around and you start to think, wow, I must not look as good as I think because they look fucking terrible. 0.97

00:09:24.000 And they're my peers. 1.00

00:09:26.000 You know, one guy is fat as shit. 1.00

00:09:28.000 So, if you get fat enough, there is a key to aging where if you can put enough fat into your face, it's like Botox and you don't wrinkle and you kind of have that youthful glow because you're just filled with oil. 1.00

00:09:40.000 You know, William Schachner allegedly does that on purpose.

00:09:43.000 I can see that.

00:09:44.000 William Schachner says, I put on five pounds a year.

00:09:49.000 And five pounds a year keeps his face round and...

00:09:52.000 I do it.

00:09:53.000 I adjust for men and I keep it fat.

00:09:56.000 Is that your move?

00:09:56.000 Yeah.

00:09:57.000 No.

00:09:57.000 You're just coming up with an excuse for keeping it fat.

00:10:00.000 Bro, that's not true.

00:10:02.000 Dr. Pepper 10. You can't say that, man, because William Schachner actually plans it, so you can't claim it.

00:10:06.000 That is an amazing thing.

00:10:07.000 That's what I used to do when I wanted to get out of relationships.

00:10:10.000 It's pretty much the same thing.

00:10:12.000 You just fatten up?

00:10:13.000 You fat them out?

00:10:14.000 Do you remember that Kinison bit about getting out of relationships?

00:10:17.000 No.

00:10:17.000 Oh, you're the best bit.

00:10:19.000 He's like, I don't ever break up with them.

00:10:21.000 He goes, I get them to break up with me.

00:10:23.000 That way they feel bad that they left me when I needed them most.

00:10:28.000 It's flawless!

00:10:30.000 He did this thing where he says, I'll just stay up for weeks and do coke, and then one they go, Sam, you're just not the guy that you were when I met you, and I'm sorry, but I have to go.

00:10:42.000 And she leaves! 0.99

00:10:43.000 It's flawless!

00:10:45.000 She leaves! 1.00

00:10:46.000 The best part about it, she feels bad because she left you when you needed her most!

00:10:52.000 And you got to go out and do coke for three weeks.

00:10:55.000 Have you ever heard Maren tell the Kinnison stories?

00:10:58.000 Oh yeah, when he pissed on his bed?

00:11:01.000 Well, just how crazy they were with coke.

00:11:03.000 Yeah.

00:11:03.000 Marin was on our podcast and he said that he heard voices in his head for almost a year.

00:11:08.000 Who, Kinnison did?

00:11:10.000 No, Marin did.

00:11:10.000 Oh, from just trauma?

00:11:12.000 They did so much coke.

00:11:12.000 Yeah.

00:11:13.000 They did so much coke, he was hearing voices.

00:11:15.000 Wow.

00:11:17.000 Dude, for like a year!

00:11:19.000 Yeah.

00:11:19.000 He said that Kinnison would just redline it.

00:11:22.000 Bam! 0.98

00:11:23.000 All day.

00:11:26.000 He was just gone for days and days at a time.

00:11:28.000 I wonder what it was like.

00:11:29.000 What stops did he make?

00:11:31.000 Because he was on the Sunset Strip going to record store, diner, bar, strip.

00:11:37.000 In one day, he would make more stops than you would in a month.

00:11:42.000 Just ripped out of his mind, sleeping three hours a night.

00:11:45.000 He sometimes didn't sleep for days, apparently.

00:11:47.000 Yeah.

00:11:48.000 He was an animal.

00:11:49.000 He was a...

00:11:49.000 The funniest thing about him was that he was a reverend.

00:11:52.000 People who are...

00:11:53.000 If you never heard Kinison, go download Louder Than Hell.

00:11:58.000 It was so offensive that Warner Brothers never released it as a CD. It's like one of the greatest comedy albums ever, but it's only on cassette.

00:12:05.000 Because Warner Brothers...

00:12:06.000 Still?

00:12:06.000 So much homophobic stuff on there.

00:12:08.000 There's just so much stuff that was so offensive to gay people. 0.93

00:12:12.000 You know?

00:12:13.000 And so that was never released.

00:12:16.000 It was never released as a CD. I used to have it as a cassette.

00:12:19.000 But people have put it up now.

00:12:20.000 You can get it through Torrents.

00:12:23.000 It's not on iTunes or anything like that?

00:12:25.000 I don't think it's on iTunes, man.

00:12:27.000 It might be.

00:12:28.000 See if it is.

00:12:29.000 Just for Hell?

00:12:29.000 No, no.

00:12:30.000 Louder Than Hell.

00:12:31.000 Loud as hell?

00:12:32.000 Louder Than Hell.

00:12:33.000 I think it's Louder Than Hell.

00:12:34.000 It's his first CD. And then some of the material is similar to what was on his first HBO special.

00:12:40.000 There's some crossover with some of the material, but it's his best stuff.

00:12:44.000 Those two, his HBO special and Louder Than Hell.

00:12:47.000 The HBO special was from Montreal, right?

00:12:49.000 No, it's from the Roxy, right up the street from the Comedy Store.

00:12:53.000 Okay.

00:12:54.000 He did it at that theater on Sunset, which is perfect.

00:12:57.000 Oh, it's on there.

00:12:58.000 Is it?

00:12:58.000 Yeah.

00:12:59.000 It's on there?

00:12:59.000 Yeah, that's it, man.

00:13:00.000 That right there, my opinion, best comedy CD ever.

00:13:04.000 That's my number one.

00:13:05.000 Somebody had to say to me, what was the most influential comedy CD? That's it.

00:13:10.000 I think he was the best ever for a year.

00:13:13.000 I think for one year plus two years, whatever it was, when he was just a maniac.

00:13:18.000 Right.

00:13:18.000 But you just can't keep that up.

00:13:19.000 You can't keep that going.

00:13:20.000 It's so awful for your body.

00:13:21.000 Because he was on the crest of the wave.

00:13:23.000 A wave has depth.

00:13:26.000 There's a lot of failure and a lot of frustration underneath the ocean.

00:13:30.000 And it builds until it swells. 0.99

00:13:32.000 And then that fucking wave pops out. 0.99

00:13:34.000 And that's where he was on the crest of that wave. 1.00

00:13:36.000 And he rode it. 0.99

00:13:37.000 And he got to shore and just fucking... 0.99

00:13:39.000 Well, he was a superstar all of a sudden. 0.99

00:13:43.000 That's a good metaphor. 0.97

00:13:44.000 That was pretty goddamn good. 0.85

00:13:46.000 Similar to Hunter S. Thompson's metaphor about what happened in the 70s. 0.64

00:13:50.000 You ever heard that thing?

00:13:51.000 No.

00:13:52.000 It's great.

00:13:53.000 It was in the movie, the Johnny Depp movie.

00:13:58.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:00.000 Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, where he played them.

00:14:02.000 Johnny Depp did an awesome job of...

00:14:04.000 Pull that up.

00:14:05.000 See if we can find it.

00:14:07.000 The wave speech from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

00:14:11.000 Did I just steal that?

00:14:12.000 No.

00:14:12.000 No, you probably never heard it.

00:14:14.000 Did you ever read Fear and Loathing?

00:14:16.000 No.

00:14:16.000 Oh, it's so good.

00:14:17.000 Johnny Depp was at the Comedy Store the other day watching Doug Stanhope.

00:14:20.000 That's funny.

00:14:21.000 Really?

00:14:22.000 Yeah, they're buddies.

00:14:23.000 That's another thing, though, that he's another one.

00:14:27.000 Hunter S. Thompson is another one of my all-time favorites.

00:14:30.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 He's another one that just burnt it out, man.

00:14:32.000 Did you used to read him in Rolling Stone magazine, or you'd read his books?

00:14:35.000 No, I read his books.

00:14:35.000 Yeah.

00:14:36.000 The first one I read was Fear and Loathing.

00:14:40.000 It's not on?

00:14:44.000 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.

00:14:47.000 Has it been five years?

00:14:50.000 Six?

00:14:52.000 It seems like a lifetime.

00:14:55.000 The kind of peak that never comes again.

00:15:00.000 San Francisco in the middle 60s was a very special time and place to be a part of.

00:15:07.000 But no explanation.

00:15:10.000 No mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time in the world.

00:15:18.000 Whatever it meant.

00:15:29.000 There was madness in any direction.

00:15:31.000 At any hour.

00:15:33.000 You could strike sparks anywhere.

00:15:37.000 There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right.

00:15:41.000 That we were winning.

00:15:44.000 And that, I think, was the handle.

00:15:48.000 That sense of inevitable victory over the forces of old and evil.

00:15:52.000 Not in any mean or military sense.

00:15:54.000 We didn't need that.

00:15:57.000 Our energy would simply prevail.

00:16:00.000 We had all the momentum.

00:16:02.000 We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave.

00:16:08.000 So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west.

00:16:16.000 And with the right kind of eyes, you can almost see the high water mark.

00:16:22.000 That place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. 1.00

00:16:34.000 Johnny Depp's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:16:35.000 He is a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:16:36.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:16:37.000 Guy can act his dick off. 1.00

00:16:38.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:16:39.000 But that guy, Hunter S. Thompson, was real similar to me, to Kinnison, because he just burnt it out.

00:16:46.000 It was all coke.

00:16:47.000 It was just coke and booze and just...

00:16:50.000 And then he wrote a couple of great books and then there was just nothing left.

00:16:55.000 Yeah.

00:16:55.000 And then towards the end, I mean, he was...

00:16:57.000 If you've ever seen Hunter S. Thompson on Letterman, it's sad.

00:17:01.000 Yeah.

00:17:02.000 Because you can't...

00:17:03.000 You literally can't understand him.

00:17:04.000 Yeah.

00:17:04.000 You can't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth.

00:17:07.000 Like he's...

00:17:07.000 You think he just fried his brain or...

00:17:09.000 Fried it! 0.99

00:17:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:17:10.000 Cooked it, barbecued it, sautéed it, minced it up, ran it through a fucking grinder, fried it again. 0.99

00:17:16.000 And it wasn't just coke. 0.99

00:17:17.000 He was just pill, everything.

00:17:19.000 Everything.

00:17:19.000 A lot of acid.

00:17:20.000 Everything he could get his hands on.

00:17:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:17:22.000 He was a maniac. 0.99

00:17:23.000 Yeah. 0.54

00:17:23.000 There's a video or an article, rather, where a reporter followed him around and monitored his drug usage for the day. 0.54

00:17:30.000 It's insane.

00:17:31.000 Yeah.

00:17:32.000 It's insane.

00:17:32.000 I mean, it's...

00:17:34.000 I don't know if this was a typical day, but this was this one day.

00:17:37.000 And I bet it was a typical day, because he always talked about it.

00:17:40.000 I guess your system just gets used to it.

00:17:42.000 Did you see him doing those hand things where he's going like this?

00:17:45.000 Thompson used to do that when he was right.

00:17:46.000 I know somebody, a friend of ours that does that all the time.

00:17:49.000 Probably copies Johnny Depp.

00:17:50.000 I can see that.

00:17:51.000 Well, you know, it's sort of like, it's visceral.

00:17:55.000 He may have some kind of learning disorder.

00:17:57.000 No, he's thinking.

00:17:57.000 He's thinking.

00:17:58.000 Well, he's thinking.

00:17:59.000 He's like, hmm.

00:18:00.000 Right.

00:18:00.000 That's all it is.

00:18:01.000 All right, here's his daily routine.

00:18:04.000 3 p.m., rise.

00:18:05.000 3.05, Chivas Regal with morning papers.

00:18:09.000 Smokes Dunhills.

00:18:10.000 3.45, cocaine.

00:18:12.000 3.50, another glass of Chivas.

00:18:14.000 Another Dunhill.

00:18:16.000 4.05 p.m., by the way, first cup of coffee and a Dunhill.

00:18:20.000 4.15, cocaine.

00:18:22.000 4.16, orange juice and another Dunhill.

00:18:25.000 4.30, cocaine.

00:18:27.000 4.54, cocaine.

00:18:28.000 5.05, cocaine.

00:18:29.000 5.11, coffee, Dunhills.

00:18:31.000 5.30, get more ice in the Shivas.

00:18:34.000 Cocaine at 5.45, 6 o'clock, smoking grass to take the edge off the day.

00:18:39.000 7 p.m.

00:18:41.000 The day.

00:18:41.000 Three hours into it.

00:18:42.000 Three hours in.

00:18:43.000 Lit.

00:18:44.000 7.05.

00:18:45.000 Woody Creek Tavern for lunch.

00:18:47.000 Heineken.

00:18:48.000 Two margaritas.

00:18:50.000 Coleslaw.

00:18:50.000 A taco salad.

00:18:51.000 Double order of fried onion rings.

00:18:52.000 Carrot cake.

00:18:53.000 Ice cream.

00:18:54.000 A bean fritter.

00:18:55.000 Dunhills.

00:18:55.000 Another Heineken.

00:18:56.000 Cocaine.

00:18:57.000 And for the rest of the ride home, a snow cone.

00:19:00.000 A glass of shredded ice, which is poured over four jiggers of Chivas.

00:19:05.000 Okay, so the snow cone is Chivas.

00:19:07.000 Okay?

00:19:08.000 9pm.

00:19:08.000 Starts snorting cocaine seriously, it says.

00:19:12.000 10pm.

00:19:12.000 Drops acid.

00:19:15.000 11pm.

00:19:16.000 Chartreuse.

00:19:17.000 I don't know what that is.

00:19:18.000 Cocaine and grass.

00:19:19.000 11.30.

00:19:20.000 Cocaine, etc, etc.

00:19:22.000 12. Midnight.

00:19:23.000 Hunter S. Thompson is ready to write.

00:19:26.000 That's when he sits down to write.

00:19:28.000 12.05 to 6 a.m., he writes, chartreuse, cocaine, grass, chivas, coffee, Heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit, Dunhills, orange juice, gin, continuous pornographic movies.

00:19:40.000 6 a.m., in the hot tub with champagne, dove bars, fettuccine Alfredo.

00:19:48.000 8am, Halcyon, which is a sleeping pill.

00:19:51.000 8.20, sleep.

00:19:53.000 So he would take a sleeping pill at 8.20 in the morning after riding it hard.

00:19:58.000 What I love is that most people, it's about, if I get this work done, then I can have a drink.

00:20:04.000 Nope.

00:20:04.000 With him, it's the opposite.

00:20:05.000 Yeah, he got...

00:20:07.000 He actually did the work.

00:20:08.000 Yeah, he got wild to the core where there was nothing left but just savage chemicals flowing through the brilliant core of his mind.

00:20:16.000 And then he just sat in front of that typewriter and let it rip for six hours.

00:20:20.000 Just focused it onto the...

00:20:22.000 Yeah.

00:20:23.000 Wow.

00:20:24.000 I love it.

00:20:25.000 Wow, that's insane.

00:20:27.000 But you can't do that for long.

00:20:28.000 It doesn't last.

00:20:29.000 Right.

00:20:29.000 And in the end, it's ugly.

00:20:31.000 Pull up Hunter Thompson on David Letterman.

00:20:34.000 It's kind of like life is about finding that line where you are pushing yourself and you are finding your edge, but you're not burning yourself out.

00:20:42.000 This is way more than an edge.

00:20:44.000 I mean, it's a suicidal thing.

00:20:46.000 And with Hunter, he also had it in his head that when the time would come, he would take his own life.

00:20:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:20:51.000 He was like, this getting old shit is nonsense. 1.00

00:20:54.000 It takes the pressure off. 1.00

00:20:56.000 Yeah.

00:20:56.000 He was convinced.

00:20:57.000 I mean, he had told everyone around him that when it gets too much, I'm just going to end this.

00:21:02.000 I'm not going to slowly drift away when I know there's no hope in sight.

00:21:06.000 Yeah.

00:21:07.000 And for him, they would do operations on him, do the hip operation, like, you've got to stop drinking. 0.95

00:21:11.000 He's like, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:21:12.000 Boom! 0.99

00:21:13.000 Hits it that night.

00:21:14.000 Yeah.

00:21:14.000 Like, right away.

00:21:15.000 What is this?

00:21:16.000 Right.

00:21:16.000 Oh, here we go.

00:21:17.000 I don't know if this is the right one because he's been on a lot.

00:21:20.000 This is from 2012. Oh, that's perfect.

00:21:22.000 2012 is perfect because that's the end.

00:21:26.000 I don't even think he was alive in 2012. No.

00:21:30.000 When did he kill himself?

00:21:33.000 Longer than two years ago.

00:21:34.000 Oh, maybe this just meant uploaded in 2012?

00:21:36.000 Yeah.

00:21:37.000 Oh, uploaded.

00:21:38.000 Uploaded.

00:21:40.000 Uploaded.

00:21:40.000 Seems pretty recent, though.

00:21:41.000 No, no, no, no.

00:21:42.000 I mean, not that recent.

00:21:43.000 Really?

00:21:44.000 Yeah, fairly.

00:21:45.000 Right.

00:21:46.000 It's not old Letterman with a full head of hair.

00:21:49.000 Yeah.

00:21:50.000 How you doing?

00:21:51.000 All right.

00:21:52.000 By all means, make yourself at home.

00:21:55.000 Yeah, he died in 2005. You know, it's been a long time since I've seen you.

00:21:59.000 And help me refresh my memory.

00:22:01.000 Doctor, your doctor is what?

00:22:03.000 What area, what discipline are you a doctor in of?

00:22:07.000 We discussed that last time.

00:22:08.000 It was divinity.

00:22:10.000 Chemotherapy.

00:22:11.000 Uh-huh.

00:22:13.000 In journalism.

00:22:14.000 Where did you go to study?

00:22:16.000 Where did you get your divinity?

00:22:18.000 We've been through this.

00:22:19.000 It's an old story.

00:22:20.000 Really?

00:22:20.000 Yeah.

00:22:21.000 Where did you go to Yale?

00:22:22.000 Were you a seminarian at Yale?

00:22:23.000 I did not go to the Yale Divinity School.

00:22:25.000 Where did you go, Hunter?

00:22:26.000 David, I'm not going to discuss these things.

00:22:27.000 You'd rather move on?

00:22:28.000 Yeah.

00:22:29.000 Okay.

00:22:29.000 You went to Ball State, is that it?

00:22:30.000 I went to Ball State, not Bowl State.

00:22:32.000 Ball State, yeah.

00:22:36.000 Sorry.

00:22:36.000 How you been?

00:22:38.000 Smokey.

00:22:40.000 You're 60 years old now, is that right?

00:22:42.000 Yeah, it seems weird.

00:22:43.000 I thought you were dead, too.

00:22:47.000 It hasn't been so long.

00:22:50.000 Does it mean anything to you, turning 60?

00:22:54.000 No, no.

00:22:56.000 I don't know.

00:22:57.000 The guys must have some dark sense of humor.

00:23:01.000 Keep me around this long.

00:23:04.000 This is actually way better than the one I was thinking of.

00:23:07.000 The one I was thinking of, now that I remember it, is actually Conan.

00:23:10.000 He was on Conan, and Conan went shooting with him.

00:23:13.000 They went out to his Woody Creek. 0.98

00:23:16.000 He has this place in Woody Creek with a lot of land, and he would just set up things and just fucking blow them away with guns. 0.82

00:23:21.000 And he had Conan out there blowing out guns with him, and I swear you could barely understand him. 0.67

00:23:27.000 Yeah.

00:23:27.000 It was just...

00:23:28.000 I had a good line, though.

00:23:29.000 I thought you were dead, too.

00:23:30.000 You're sharp.

00:23:31.000 Letterman didn't expect that uppercut.

00:23:34.000 Yeah, he was a funny dude.

00:23:36.000 ...to say, well, that's not going to happen.

00:23:38.000 I said, all right, let's do it.

00:23:40.000 We brought a camera crew.

00:23:41.000 Here's what happened.

00:23:43.000 I think they're ready over on the firing range.

00:23:45.000 Should we head over that way?

00:23:46.000 Yeah. 0.76

00:23:47.000 And the idea is you're going to instruct me in how to blow things to hell.

00:23:52.000 Well, now we're going to do art.

00:23:54.000 Art?

00:23:55.000 What can I get you, sir?

00:23:56.000 I'll have that huge shotgun over there.

00:24:03.000 A little more.

00:24:06.000 A little more there.

00:24:08.000 How about a little?

00:24:09.000 That's good? 0.91

00:24:11.000 Yeah, shoot a few things.

00:24:14.000 It'll loosen us up.

00:24:16.000 Loosen us up.

00:24:17.000 They're drinking booze and shooting things.

00:24:26.000 I'd say that was pretty good.

00:24:28.000 That was his character on Doonesbury.

00:24:30.000 They used to make fun of him on Doonesbury.

00:24:33.000 Well, that's a good example, I guess.

00:24:35.000 It's better as it gets on and he gets more drunk, I guess.

00:24:38.000 That's probably why I couldn't understand him.

00:24:40.000 But if you go from that to what he sounded like, Yeah.

00:25:00.000 And in perspective, Sylvester Stallone is 67, or 68, and he's shredded.

00:25:07.000 Talks great, still doing action movies.

00:25:09.000 That just shows you the impact that Hunter put on his body.

00:25:14.000 60, whatever he was there, 62. And that he lived, so he actually has a strong...

00:25:20.000 He could handle...

00:25:24.000 Most people would have died of liver disease or killed themselves before.

00:25:29.000 Well, 60's not that old, man.

00:25:32.000 He was 62 when he died.

00:25:35.000 Think about it.

00:25:36.000 That's 40-something years of pounding substances in your body.

00:25:40.000 And probably not exercising ever.

00:25:43.000 No.

00:25:44.000 No. 1.00

00:25:45.000 Eating fucking dove bars in a hot tub. 1.00

00:25:48.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:25:49.000 Fettuccine Alfredo at 8 o'clock in the morning. 1.00

00:25:51.000 He was an animal. 0.64

00:25:52.000 Ugh. 0.69

00:25:54.000 Would you do that?

00:25:56.000 If you knew you could come back and you wouldn't be addicted and you wouldn't be dead, would you take that lifestyle on for one month?

00:26:04.000 No, I wouldn't want to feel like that.

00:26:06.000 Yeah.

00:26:08.000 I'm not a speed guy at all.

00:26:10.000 I like coffee.

00:26:12.000 It's good for conversation.

00:26:13.000 Yeah.

00:26:13.000 But I have no desire to try the speeds.

00:26:16.000 I think I would like them way too much.

00:26:19.000 No, I just mean more in terms of just completely being self-destruct.

00:26:20.000 Obliterated?

00:26:21.000 Yeah, just...

00:26:23.000 I couldn't do it.

00:26:24.000 I couldn't do it because I know too much about what it's doing to my body.

00:26:28.000 I could do it for a night.

00:26:29.000 For a night, I could go on a bender.

00:26:31.000 Do you do that?

00:26:32.000 I have.

00:26:34.000 I've definitely had some nights where I got just destroyed.

00:26:38.000 But again, there's no coke involved.

00:26:40.000 It was mostly Jack Daniels or something like that.

00:26:43.000 A few too many shots, getting crazy, smoking too much weed.

00:26:47.000 But the big difference between that and what he was doing was he was doing it all day.

00:26:52.000 I mean, if I would do it, it'd be like, you know, you start at 10. By 1 o'clock in the morning, you're basically done.

00:26:57.000 And then you're just trying to find somewhere to eat and sober up.

00:26:59.000 But this guy was gunning it all day like that, writing books.

00:27:03.000 And he went three hours before he put solid food in his body.

00:27:07.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:09.000 Yeah.

00:27:10.000 And just drinking and doing coke.

00:27:12.000 Smoking Dunhills.

00:27:14.000 I mean, I have too much carbs in the afternoon.

00:27:17.000 I need to nap at 4 o'clock.

00:27:19.000 I think part of me, like, I quit drinking a long time ago.

00:27:23.000 Part of it was, like, I just didn't want to deal with the hangover energy.

00:27:27.000 Awful.

00:27:27.000 It's one of the worst feelings.

00:27:29.000 It's just a waste of time. 1.00

00:27:30.000 You just feel like such a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:27:32.000 Like, I just sacrificed several days. 1.00

00:27:35.000 It's almost like, say if you had a job that really sucked and you worked for like a week, saved up all your money, and then you went to the casino and you blew it in five seconds.

00:27:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Like, you fucking idiot. 1.00

00:27:45.000 Right. 1.00

00:27:46.000 All the time you wasted.

00:27:47.000 It seems almost similar when you're hungover.

00:27:50.000 Because it's like, what, did I have fun for an hour?

00:27:52.000 And then the last two hours were a fog.

00:27:54.000 And then I threw up.

00:27:56.000 And then I went to sleep.

00:27:57.000 And then I woke up and I feel like death for two days.

00:28:00.000 Yeah.

00:28:00.000 That can't be worth it.

00:28:02.000 Well, I can remember being young enough where I'd hook up with a one-night stand, shit-faced, get it done, never had a problem getting it done, always closed. 0.98

00:28:11.000 Good for you. 0.99

00:28:12.000 And then waking up in the morning still drunk and then going for the morning sex and feeling good about it because then after, there's no hangover after the morning sex. 0.97

00:28:21.000 There's just like a light buzz. 0.85

00:28:23.000 But that's at, you know, 21. Yeah, 2021, you're a different thing.

00:28:27.000 You're a battery.

00:28:28.000 You're a full battery.

00:28:30.000 Plus, you're free.

00:28:32.000 You can't believe no one's telling you what to do.

00:28:34.000 You can't believe, for the first time in your life, no one is telling you when you have to go to bed, when you have to be home.

00:28:40.000 You're a man.

00:28:41.000 You're a free man for the first time.

00:28:43.000 Those years are buck wild.

00:28:45.000 Those years, whenever you get out of the house, whenever you're paying your own bills, whenever you have a job, you're like, I guess I'm an adult now.

00:28:52.000 I have a job and an apartment.

00:28:55.000 Whoa! 0.71

00:28:56.000 And you're deciding when you go to bed?

00:28:58.000 Yeah, in a way you feel like an adult and in a way you feel like a little child because that little child gets to play and explore the night. 0.95

00:29:05.000 Like, you know, all of a sudden at 4.30 in the morning, you're not like, now if I'm up at 4.30 in the morning, I'm like, how the fuck do I get to bed as soon as possible?

00:29:13.000 Then you're like, what else?

00:29:15.000 What else can we stumble on?

00:29:17.000 Is there a door I can knock on?

00:29:19.000 Is there possibly a booty call I can make right now?

00:29:22.000 Yeah.

00:29:23.000 Who's got coke?

00:29:24.000 How do you keep this thing rolling?

00:29:26.000 And then it's like you mortgaged your house, and then on top of the mortgage, when the coke comes into the picture, it's like now you're just taking out loans from Shylocks now. 0.99

00:29:36.000 Now you're going to the worst loan sharks, and you're like, listen, listen, listen.

00:29:41.000 One week, I'll pay you back.

00:29:43.000 I'm paying it all back.

00:29:45.000 That's how you feel when you do the coke.

00:29:47.000 Yeah.

00:29:47.000 The coke is the one that I ducked it my whole life.

00:29:51.000 You would love it too much.

00:29:52.000 You would start talking so much.

00:29:55.000 You'd do 20 podcasts at the same time.

00:29:57.000 That's what my friend Jimmy Laws told me when we were in high school.

00:30:01.000 They were all doing it at this party.

00:30:03.000 And Jimmy goes, don't do it.

00:30:05.000 You'd like it too much.

00:30:06.000 And I go, okay.

00:30:07.000 That's all I need to hear.

00:30:08.000 Anytime a guy who likes to do coke tells you not to do coke...

00:30:11.000 And he didn't like to do coke, but he had a cousin that liked to do coke.

00:30:15.000 I saw too many kids.

00:30:17.000 Too many kids that would just be engrossed in it.

00:30:20.000 That's all they wanted.

00:30:21.000 I saw kids, you know, we did all the drugs, but Coke was too expensive, so we did it, but it was kind of a luxury item.

00:30:28.000 We were more like, a lot of my friends were doing angel dust, because that was cheap, and a lot of mescaline.

00:30:34.000 Did you ever take mescaline?

00:30:36.000 Never took it.

00:30:37.000 I think it's a form of acid, right?

00:30:39.000 No, mescaline is a form of peyote.

00:30:41.000 Oh, it is?

00:30:41.000 Yeah.

00:30:42.000 Yeah, it's very colorful.

00:30:43.000 You see a lot of colors, and you laugh a lot. 0.99

00:30:47.000 Yeah, that's shit I never got a hold of. 0.97

00:30:50.000 When that was going around, that was all going around post high school, just after high school, when I was in my super healthy phase. 0.99

00:30:59.000 All throughout, from high school to 21, 22, there was very little drinking, very little partying, very, very little.

00:31:08.000 The occasional joint would come out if I had a couple of beers, but it was so rare, and I always felt guilty after I did it.

00:31:14.000 Those were the healthy days.

00:31:15.000 I was selling mescaline for a little while.

00:31:17.000 This guy, Andre, the blackest... 1.00

00:31:20.000 Blacker than your coffee. 0.78

00:31:22.000 And tough.

00:31:23.000 And he was like in and out of juvie homes.

00:31:25.000 And so he got me to sell it to my friends.

00:31:29.000 So I would have a bag...

00:31:30.000 Because a lot of my friends were into the Grateful Dead.

00:31:32.000 And we'd go to a dead show and I would just sell like 100 hits of mescaline.

00:31:36.000 And so then one day, I guess...

00:31:40.000 I didn't even owe him money.

00:31:42.000 He would give me a bag and then I'd pay him after I sold it.

00:31:46.000 Time wasn't really up yet, but I came home one afternoon and I opened the front door to my house and I walk in.

00:31:52.000 We lived in a pretty nice house.

00:31:54.000 My mom is sitting with Andre in the living room having tea.

00:31:58.000 And she never met him.

00:32:00.000 He just showed up looking for me.

00:32:02.000 And I was like...

00:32:04.000 Uh-oh. 1.00

00:32:04.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:32:06.000 That's uncomfortable. 1.00

00:32:07.000 That ended my...

00:32:08.000 My drug dealing days ended right there.

00:32:10.000 Yeah, you don't want Andre embedded in your life.

00:32:13.000 Imagine if you came home while Andre was banging your mom.

00:32:16.000 Because he would do that.

00:32:17.000 I know Andre.

00:32:18.000 And she's on mask.

00:32:19.000 I know Andre.

00:32:20.000 Andre would do it.

00:32:21.000 Yeah, he lit up her drink.

00:32:23.000 He had tea with her, dropped a tab in her tea.

00:32:26.000 Right.

00:32:26.000 Now the doors are playing.

00:32:29.000 Riders on the storm. 0.99

00:32:30.000 And you open the door and he's just fucking hammering your mom from behind. 0.99

00:32:34.000 Father? 1.00

00:32:35.000 Yes, son. 1.00

00:32:36.000 I want to kill you. 1.00

00:32:38.000 Father? 1.00

00:32:39.000 Into this house we're born.

00:32:41.000 Ta-ta.

00:32:42.000 Ta-ta.

00:32:43.000 And he just...

00:32:47.000 And you're like, what? 0.96

00:32:48.000 And I walk in and he turns his head and sees me and gives me a look that makes me have to fucking leave the room. 0.98

00:32:54.000 Mid-stroke. 0.99

00:32:55.000 Doesn't even stop banging my mom. 0.98

00:32:57.000 Wow. 0.73

00:32:57.000 Yeah. 0.73

00:32:58.000 Yeah, you don't want to see this. 1.00

00:32:59.000 I don't want to see that shit. 1.00

00:33:01.000 And I'm on mask. 1.00

00:33:02.000 Jedi mind tricked you. 1.00

00:33:03.000 These are not the droids you're looking for.

00:33:09.000 Andre working every angle. 0.99

00:33:12.000 Someone like that banging your mom. 1.00

00:33:14.000 Whoa.

00:33:14.000 That's dark.

00:33:15.000 Yeah, that would be brutal.

00:33:17.000 That's dark. 1.00

00:33:17.000 Seeing his ass, you know, that prison ass. 1.00

00:33:21.000 You don't know what it's been through. 1.00

00:33:22.000 It's probably got striated muscle tissue all throughout it, too.

00:33:26.000 It looks terrifying.

00:33:26.000 Right.

00:33:27.000 I can think about the amount of force he could generate with that ass. 1.00

00:33:30.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:33:31.000 Yeah, strong thighs because he's walking around selling drugs. 0.54

00:33:34.000 He's out on the street.

00:33:35.000 Exactly.

00:33:35.000 Constant motion.

00:33:36.000 A lot of cardio.

00:33:37.000 And now he's got the back of his thighs ripping and driving. 0.99

00:33:40.000 You know that drive you get from the inside of your thighs when you're really fucking? 0.99

00:33:45.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:33:45.000 He's doing that to her. 0.99

00:33:47.000 Oh, good lord.

00:33:49.000 Is this airing?

00:33:50.000 No, no, no.

00:33:51.000 We'll edit that part out.

00:33:53.000 Do you know on Riders on the Storm, he does one track singing and there's another track he's whispering?

00:33:58.000 Really?

00:33:58.000 At the same time?

00:34:00.000 Yeah, play it.

00:34:00.000 It's like, at the same time...

00:34:02.000 We'll get pulled off of YouTube if we play it, won't we?

00:34:05.000 And you never know why that song...

00:34:06.000 Jamie's like, whatever.

00:34:07.000 Let's just do it.

00:34:09.000 Okay, well, let's see. 1.00

00:34:10.000 I never knew why it was so haunting and then you hear that and it's like, fuck. 0.99

00:34:14.000 At least Vimeo doesn't pull us off. 0.98

00:34:15.000 They did cool shit back in the 60s when they were coming, multi-track recording. 0.97

00:34:20.000 They were doing all kinds of cool shit. 0.69

00:34:22.000 You know, the Beatles, backtracking stuff. 1.00

00:34:24.000 A lot of that was Phil Spector, that crazy fuck. 1.00

00:34:26.000 Oh, is that right? 1.00

00:34:27.000 His wall of sound.

00:34:29.000 The wall of sound, right?

00:34:29.000 Yeah.

00:34:33.000 Right.

00:34:35.000 Right.

00:34:51.000 And went through this big trial because of it.

00:34:53.000 Yeah.

00:34:54.000 And in the trial, he would wear different wigs every day. 0.90

00:34:57.000 He was bald, and so he'd wear these crazy 1960s wigs, like the most ridiculous wigs ever, like during his trial. 0.94

00:35:04.000 Yeah, I remember that. 0.72

00:35:05.000 Pull up some photos of Phil Spector's wig.

00:35:08.000 Here's the Doors Whisper track.

00:35:10.000 This is just the track with the whisper and the percussion.

00:35:23.000 He was a sexy dude. 1.00

00:35:24.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:35:30.000 Wow. 1.00

00:35:32.000 Wow.

00:36:18.000 That's haunting!

00:36:28.000 Okay.

00:36:28.000 Condos.

00:36:29.000 This is Phil Spector when he was in court.

00:36:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:32.000 In court for murder, and he's wearing that wig.

00:36:37.000 That's not a Photoshop either.

00:36:38.000 That was the real wig.

00:36:39.000 And he would wear different ones.

00:36:41.000 Like, some days they would be different.

00:36:42.000 If he had a couple different wigs, see if he'd find the other one. 0.99

00:36:44.000 I get so confused because that trial happened, I think, around the same time as, wow, Ellen DeGeneres on trial.

00:36:53.000 Ah!

00:36:54.000 It's Martina Navarrova mixed with Ellen DeGeneres. 0.98

00:37:02.000 Then ask me how the fuck I pulled Martina Navatrolova. 0.99

00:37:04.000 You said troll in the middle of it somehow. 0.99

00:37:08.000 Navatrolova. 0.92

00:37:10.000 Wasn't she like one of the first lesbians? 1.00

00:37:12.000 Like the first out lesbian? 1.00

00:37:13.000 Yeah, she came out during the AIDS thing.

00:37:15.000 That was like the 80s, right?

00:37:17.000 Yeah, I guess, you know, 84, 85? 0.98

00:37:20.000 She had balls. 0.99

00:37:22.000 Did she? 0.99

00:37:22.000 Tough chick? 0.99

00:37:23.000 No.

00:37:23.000 Tennis balls.

00:37:24.000 Yeah, she's a badass. 1.00

00:37:26.000 But this is what he really looked like.

00:37:27.000 Oh, that's gruesome.

00:37:30.000 Yeah.

00:37:31.000 Looks like the guy that killed Patrick, what's his face, in Ghost.

00:37:35.000 Patrick, no, you know who that was?

00:37:38.000 Who was it? 0.74

00:37:39.000 That was the comic who died of AIDS, black guy in New York.

00:37:44.000 Charlie Burnett? 0.73

00:37:45.000 No, other black guy in New York who died of AIDS. Who else died of AIDS? Black Hispanic. 1.00

00:37:52.000 Oh! 1.00

00:37:55.000 Who the fuck was that? 1.00

00:37:59.000 He died of AIDS, I remember, because I started dating his girlfriend about six months later. 1.00

00:38:04.000 Oh, that dude.

00:38:05.000 Yeah, no.

00:38:05.000 He also died.

00:38:06.000 He died, too?

00:38:07.000 Yeah.

00:38:08.000 How did he die?

00:38:09.000 I don't know.

00:38:10.000 Something with his face, probably. 1.00

00:38:11.000 Well, Phil Spector didn't die, that fucker. 1.00

00:38:14.000 He's in jail. 1.00

00:38:15.000 They nailed him?

00:38:16.000 They nailed him down? 1.00

00:38:17.000 I guess when he had bank checks, he would like to put guns in their mouths and shit. 1.00

00:38:20.000 I could see that. 1.00

00:38:21.000 And he wound up shooting her.

00:38:23.000 Yeah.

00:38:24.000 Oh, by accident, you think?

00:38:25.000 It might have been that, or it might have been just he murdered her.

00:38:27.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:38:28.000 Well, if you think about it, if you had no value on human life, and everyone's trying to go for the biggest orgasm you can get, whether it's doing coke, grabbing your own balls, cock ring, but think about blowing somebody's head off as you came. 0.99

00:38:42.000 That would be huge. 1.00

00:38:44.000 That would probably be, if you were like a total psychopath, that would probably be the end all. 0.99

00:38:50.000 Be like coming and taking at the same time. 0.98

00:38:54.000 Putting human life into her as you take it out of her.

00:38:58.000 And then imagining that your loads actually got her pregnant, and that that kid would be born to a body that just died, would be conceived to a body that just died, right when the loads get to the egg, the loads crack open the egg, and they're like, sorry boys, the factory's been shut down,

00:39:14.000 she's dead.

00:39:17.000 What?

00:39:17.000 But we just got here.

00:39:19.000 He just came inside her.

00:39:21.000 The eggs are here.

00:39:22.000 Everything's fine.

00:39:22.000 Let's do it.

00:39:23.000 Her spirit goes into his dick hole. 1.00

00:39:25.000 It's like the opposite of an abortion. 1.00

00:39:27.000 She dies.

00:39:28.000 Baby lives.

00:39:29.000 The baby gets conceived.

00:39:31.000 Like the first days of life.

00:39:34.000 That's the number one debate when it comes to abortion. 1.00

00:39:37.000 It's not whether or not women should have to keep the baby and get pregnant. 0.99

00:39:41.000 The real debate is when is it actually a person?

00:39:44.000 Because I don't think it's a person when it's two cells.

00:39:46.000 You know, I think if you see two cells there, and those two cells could grow to become a person, I feel like if you snuff those two cells right now, there and then, you're good.

00:39:57.000 I don't feel like you killed somebody.

00:39:59.000 But if it gets to be like six months, and it's inside the woman's body and could live outside of her womb, is that a baby?

00:40:07.000 At what year?

00:40:08.000 Or at what month, rather?

00:40:10.000 Jonathan Katz used to say, I think life begins after the second cup of coffee.

00:40:18.000 I think it's right out of the gate.

00:40:21.000 Right out of the box?

00:40:23.000 Like conception?

00:40:24.000 Right into the box.

00:40:25.000 As soon as that thing combines the egg, that's life.

00:40:31.000 That's it. 0.99

00:40:31.000 I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to kill it. 0.99

00:40:33.000 I'm just saying it is a lie. 0.99

00:40:35.000 Don't kid yourself. 0.99

00:40:37.000 Don't fucking soft sell it. 1.00

00:40:39.000 If you're going to get an abortion, you got an abortion. 1.00

00:40:41.000 If you took the morning after pill, you aborted a life.

00:40:45.000 You have the right to do it, and I support that, but don't pretend it wasn't high stakes what you just did.

00:40:52.000 That's so important to say and so taboo.

00:40:56.000 What you're doing right now is so...

00:40:59.000 That can be demonized. 0.99

00:41:01.000 You can be thought of as insensitive.

00:41:04.000 People can get angry at you.

00:41:06.000 People have concocted certain politically acceptable phrases for certain things.

00:41:11.000 And abortion. 0.95

00:41:12.000 For abortion, the number one issue is always a woman's right to choose. 1.00

00:41:18.000 Right?

00:41:18.000 But a woman's right to choose exactly what are you doing?

00:41:22.000 Like, what are you doing?

00:41:22.000 I'm down for you having the right to do whatever you want with your body.

00:41:25.000 I don't think that anybody, especially anybody that can't have a life in their body, like a man, we can't even understand what that is. 0.98

00:41:34.000 It's too far outside.

00:41:35.000 It's impossible for us.

00:41:37.000 It's only like fiction.

00:41:38.000 It's only like...

00:41:39.000 When we try to pretend to understand, to put ourselves in the mind of a woman that's pregnant, we're just making things up. 1.00

00:41:47.000 We have no point of reference whatsoever.

00:41:48.000 It's a whole dimension.

00:41:49.000 It's a different dimension.

00:41:50.000 I don't think it's any of our business, but as far as that, as far as whether or not a woman should be able to end this life form inside of her body. 0.98

00:42:00.000 Why do we have this desire to pretend that it's something other than a person?

00:42:04.000 Like, I got in this argument with this dude on Twitter, this comic.

00:42:07.000 Seems to be a funny guy.

00:42:08.000 But he kept calling me right-wing and saying that I was saying right-wing talking points.

00:42:13.000 And I said, listen, I'm 100% in support of a woman's right to choose.

00:42:17.000 You're hearing me wrong here. 0.98

00:42:18.000 But what I'm saying is, it was because Dawkins had compared a woman I think he had compared it to a baby pig. 0.90

00:42:31.000 I forget. 0.98

00:42:34.000 No more of a human than a baby pig is.

00:42:36.000 I guess he's talking in scientific terms. 0.69

00:42:39.000 A very, very young fetus.

00:42:42.000 Whatever age it is when you decide it's a fetus.

00:42:46.000 And he was saying that. 0.98

00:42:47.000 I was like, that's ridiculous. 0.99

00:42:48.000 It's such a ridiculous point. 1.00

00:42:49.000 And it fucks up the whole argument because obviously that baby pig can't become a person. 1.00

00:42:54.000 But that fetus is going to be a person. 0.99

00:42:56.000 Everybody fucking knows it. 0.99

00:42:58.000 So stop playing this game. 1.00

00:42:59.000 This is a stupid game. 1.00

00:43:00.000 And then this comic starts going at me for this UK guy, Frankie Boyle. 1.00

00:43:05.000 Seems like a nice guy.

00:43:06.000 Seems like a funny guy.

00:43:07.000 But he was saying that I was saying all these right-wing talking points.

00:43:10.000 And I'm like, I'm not right-wing by any stretch of the imagination.

00:43:13.000 But what is it?

00:43:15.000 That's not a seed, man.

00:43:16.000 It's not a seed.

00:43:17.000 A seed has to be planted to become life. 1.00

00:43:19.000 That fucker's planted. 1.00

00:43:20.000 That's a sapling. 1.00

00:43:22.000 It's a person.

00:43:23.000 It's going to be a person. 1.00

00:43:24.000 If you keep eating food and you don't take too much heroin, that's going to be a fucking person. 1.00

00:43:28.000 And we all think about what our lives are. 1.00

00:43:30.000 The miracle of, you know, not knowing how the universe works.

00:43:34.000 And, you know, there's theories and there's paradigms and there's scientific data.

00:43:38.000 And we're getting a broad sense of what the actual material end of it is.

00:43:44.000 But the magic of the sperm and egg becoming something, like, that's it.

00:43:49.000 That is when life begins.

00:43:52.000 And we don't know why.

00:43:53.000 We don't know if there's a God making it happen or if it really is like a million monkeys typing Shakespeare.

00:43:58.000 But it happened and it's life.

00:44:00.000 Well, I'm offended whenever anyone tries to lump any discussion of any subject into one of those categories where you can't question it.

00:44:09.000 Or one of those categories where it's not open to discussion, that there is a certain acceptable opinion on it that you're supposed to have as an intelligent person, as a progressive, you're supposed to have one opinion. 1.00

00:44:20.000 And if you question it at all, deviate outside of that one opinion at all, you are a piece of shit. 1.00

00:44:26.000 You're a bad person. 1.00

00:44:28.000 You know? 0.90

00:44:28.000 You're outside of what we're all trying to push. 0.90

00:44:31.000 We have an agenda to push.

00:44:33.000 If you talk outside of that agenda...

00:44:34.000 I mean, for a comic to think like that, to me, is particularly offensive.

00:44:38.000 Because, like, you're not...

00:44:39.000 We're not being honest about what it actually is.

00:44:42.000 And also, it's just putting issues into black and white terms.

00:44:46.000 Instead of knowing...

00:44:47.000 It's like, you know, I can not support the war, and I can still support the troops. 0.99

00:44:53.000 Can I have that fucking distinction? 0.98

00:44:55.000 Or is it one or the other? 0.99

00:44:56.000 Nuance thought.

00:44:57.000 Right.

00:44:58.000 It's like people now saying, I support the state of Israel.

00:45:00.000 I don't support the government of Israel right now and what they're doing.

00:45:04.000 You can do both. 0.99

00:45:05.000 You don't have to be fucking, you know, a Zionist or an anti-Zionist. 0.99

00:45:09.000 And it's the same thing with this. 0.99

00:45:10.000 It's like, you know, abortion being something that is in the hands of women exclusively is a fucking weird situation because ultimately the man is involved. 0.95

00:45:21.000 So can we at least have an opinion about it? 0.82

00:45:25.000 Well, you know, even if you have an opinion about it, I mean, I'm not calling for an opinion that I should have any opinion as to whether or not a woman should do it.

00:45:34.000 I remove myself from that.

00:45:35.000 I should have no opinion.

00:45:36.000 This is what I think.

00:45:37.000 This is my belief.

00:45:39.000 I don't think I can stop you from doing something to your body.

00:45:42.000 At a certain point in time, when is it immoral, though?

00:45:45.000 Is it immoral when it's nine months old?

00:45:47.000 Is it immoral if you have an abortion the day before your kid was going to be born?

00:45:50.000 That's a real question.

00:45:51.000 And to pretend that's not a real question, I think, is preposterous.

00:45:55.000 I mean, it's preposterous.

00:45:57.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:45:58.000 Like, how can you not discuss this?

00:46:00.000 You don't want this discussed because this is not in the framework of what you think is, like, progressive liberal thought.

00:46:07.000 That becomes a problem.

00:46:09.000 No, I've been doing this bit where I ask the women in the audience, do you support a woman's right to choose?

00:46:13.000 And then they almost all clap.

00:46:15.000 And then I say, and how many of you have had abortions? 0.99

00:46:18.000 And nobody ever fucking claps. 0.97

00:46:20.000 And I was like, you know, that's a right that's under attack. 0.99

00:46:23.000 And if you are ashamed to say that you do it, you're going to lose that fucking right. 0.99

00:46:27.000 Like, I'm ashamed that I masturbate, but you outlawed. 1.00

00:46:30.000 I'm walking down Main Street with my dick out. 1.00

00:46:32.000 Like, hell no. 1.00

00:46:34.000 So, I mean, I think that that's the thing about abortion is if you shroud it in shame, which the Republicans do and which women are owning and absorbing, they shouldn't internalize it.

00:46:44.000 They should say, no, I've had abortions. 0.77

00:46:47.000 I don't think it's any of our business.

00:46:50.000 I think the thing about asking someone if they've had an abortion is like, you're asking a very intimate question to someone where it's probably an opinion or a decision that they had to make where maybe it wasn't a happy time.

00:47:04.000 Maybe it's a dark moment.

00:47:06.000 So you're asking them to tell you, some person that they've never met, that they have this dark memory, that they have this thing in their life that they're not happy with.

00:47:15.000 Just because everybody has an opinion, or just because someone has an abortion, it doesn't mean that the way they look at that abortion is a happy thing, or a relief, or something that they would do again.

00:47:28.000 It might have been a mistake.

00:47:29.000 But it's been framed as a political issue, and so that personal thing that they don't want to talk about, if they never talk about it, they're not going to be able to do that personal thing.

00:47:39.000 It's not about talking about it.

00:47:39.000 It's about admitting it in public, in front of a bunch of strangers at a comedy club where everyone's drinking.

00:47:44.000 What percentage of the population are absolutely assholes? 1.00

00:47:48.000 It's asking way too much! 1.00

00:47:49.000 It's asking way too much.

00:47:54.000 I am very curious in that moment.

00:47:57.000 I know.

00:47:57.000 Once, you know, once I just want to see a woman start clapping in the middle.

00:48:03.000 You know, I had a great one!

00:48:04.000 I don't remember where I was.

00:48:06.000 I don't remember how the subject got to this. 0.99

00:48:09.000 But some woman in the audience yelled out something about anal sex. 1.00

00:48:14.000 You know, about either not liking it or liking it. 0.99

00:48:17.000 I don't remember. 0.98

00:48:17.000 But I remember something like, I go, that is very rare that someone would yell out, you know, about anal sex. 0.98

00:48:23.000 You would want to keep that, like, probably pretty private. 0.98

00:48:26.000 That could be potentially embarrassing.

00:48:27.000 Like, I'll give you an example. 1.00

00:48:29.000 Like, how many women here like taking it in the ass? 1.00

00:48:32.000 And I thought, and a couple actually clapped and yelled, and I was thinking, any girl who would clap and yell, when that question comes up, how many women like taking it in the ass? 1.00

00:48:39.000 Like, that's a girl who really likes taking it in the ass. 1.00

00:48:42.000 I mean, she's completely comfortable with it when she's like, look, I'm the girl. 1.00

00:48:46.000 I'm that one.

00:48:47.000 And if you're looking for that one out of a hundred that asked for it, here she is. 0.70

00:48:50.000 Right.

00:48:51.000 You know?

00:48:52.000 If you don't know what you like, how are you going to be happy in life?

00:48:54.000 And then you've got to put that message out there. 1.00

00:48:57.000 That asshole's not filling itself. 1.00

00:48:59.000 Right. 1.00

00:49:01.000 You need to be a hawker. 1.00

00:49:02.000 You gotta hawk your own asshole. 1.00

00:49:04.000 You gotta let everybody know you are that special person. 1.00

00:49:07.000 Yes. 1.00

00:49:07.000 That rare person that likes it in the ass. 1.00

00:49:09.000 Because some guys, you're afraid to even try it with your wife, you know? 1.00

00:49:12.000 You could go 20 years and then all of a sudden, maybe on your 50th anniversary, you try to stick it in her ass and she's like, thank you, finally! 1.00

00:49:20.000 Ha ha ha ha! 1.00

00:49:22.000 Yeah, she was always almost bringing it up, but pulled back out of embarrassment.

00:49:26.000 If he wanted it, he would have tried it. 1.00

00:49:28.000 I'm not going to tell him I want a fuck in the ass. 1.00

00:49:30.000 Gladys, tell him you want it in the ass! 1.00

00:49:32.000 You've been together for 20 years! 1.00

00:49:34.000 I just don't think Harvey would like that.

00:49:35.000 I don't think he'd respect me. 0.99

00:49:37.000 Meanwhile, she goes to Harvey's fucking laptop, and it's all bookmarks. 1.00

00:49:41.000 Teen in ass, DP in ass, ass to mouth, all of his bookmarks. 1.00

00:49:46.000 The screensaver just looks like a spider. 1.00

00:49:48.000 It's a fucking close-up of a dirty asshole. 1.00

00:49:51.000 It's an outside sock. 1.00

00:49:52.000 One of those expanded, those butt socks where someone just has an exploded asshole. 1.00

00:49:59.000 Which, by the way, never saw until I saw the internet. 0.99

00:50:02.000 Never knew that that was a thing. 0.80

00:50:03.000 Is it like a post-anal sex thing? 0.63

00:50:05.000 It's just swollen? 1.00

00:50:06.000 Things stuffed in your ass until your ass comes out like an unrolling thick wool sock. 1.00

00:50:12.000 Jew clam. 1.00

00:50:13.000 It's horrible. 0.97

00:50:13.000 No, that was just a different thing. 0.97

00:50:16.000 It's unbelievable what people do to their buttholes these days.

00:50:19.000 Yeah.

00:50:19.000 Yeah, it's the new frontier.

00:50:22.000 It's the new frontier. 0.99

00:50:23.000 I talked to a friend of mine who got divorced, and he's a comedian, and he's got, you know, he's got enough celebrity where he can, and he said, Greg, they all want it in the ass now. 1.00

00:50:32.000 He goes, it's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:50:33.000 He's like, I was never into ass sex, and now it's like, it's just what you do. 1.00

00:50:38.000 Wow. 1.00

00:50:39.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:50:39.000 Those kids today, they're nuts. 1.00

00:50:41.000 Absolutely nuts. 1.00

00:50:43.000 You ever see guys stuff as nuts in there?

00:50:46.000 Yes.

00:50:46.000 Yeah.

00:50:48.000 How did he know he liked that?

00:50:50.000 How did he figure that out?

00:50:51.000 I think people just get bored.

00:50:53.000 They just get bored and they just do whatever they can do. 0.94

00:50:58.000 After you do a certain amount of porn, I mean, I would imagine if you've done porn for like 10 years, just the thought of just having regular sex is probably so boring to you. 1.00

00:51:08.000 That's when they want to put on flippers and shit and fucking snorkels and fuck in the tub. 1.00

00:51:13.000 They want to just do ridiculous shit. 1.00

00:51:15.000 Yeah, they want to put pinwheels on their nipples and, you know, put a bullet, you know, one of those target signs on their asshole and have the guy run across them. 1.00

00:51:23.000 Because they're artists. 0.99

00:51:24.000 You know, everybody, no matter what you do for a living, you should feel like there's a level at which you can do it as an artist.

00:51:30.000 And I think there are porn stars that really want to...

00:51:33.000 Like Belladonna, I think they really want to actually...

00:51:36.000 Do something that's creative for them.

00:51:40.000 Maybe.

00:51:41.000 It's possible. 1.00

00:51:42.000 Pregnant porn? 1.00

00:51:43.000 Come on. 1.00

00:51:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:44.000 Pregnant porn and probably many things up her ass while pregnant. 1.00

00:51:48.000 Many. 1.00

00:51:49.000 Yeah, she won best double anal once. 1.00

00:51:55.000 No, she won single anal twice. 0.99

00:51:57.000 Oh. 0.99

00:51:57.000 I got confused. 0.99

00:52:02.000 Yeah, I was thinking, man, that's probably one of the toughest jobs for people to forget you from.

00:52:08.000 Say, if you were the host of American Bandstand, and you were on TV for a long time doing American Bandstand...

00:52:17.000 You know, you could quit, and millions of people saw you on American Bandstand, and within a decade, nobody would really hold it against you that you were on American Bandstand. 0.97

00:52:26.000 They won't define you by that job, but if you're a chick that's been involved in multiple gangbangs with these huge dicks and just fucking lube all over you and guys making you gag and your mascara's running, that almost never leaves you. 1.00

00:52:42.000 For a woman, it almost never leaves you. 0.99

00:52:45.000 Tracy Lord might be the only one that got close to escaping. 1.00

00:52:48.000 Yep, she got close. 0.93

00:52:50.000 She got in mainstream movies, and she turned out to be pretty intelligent, so she would go on shows.

00:52:55.000 She did music, too, I think.

00:52:56.000 Did she?

00:52:57.000 Yeah, I think she was producing music. 1.00

00:52:58.000 Debbie Harry, I believe, did porn. 0.99

00:53:01.000 What? 0.98

00:53:01.000 Kim Kardashian. 0.98

00:53:02.000 No.

00:53:04.000 From Blondie?

00:53:05.000 From Blondie.

00:53:05.000 Really?

00:53:06.000 I'm not positive, but I believe she did porn or was a hooker. 0.98

00:53:10.000 Well, the sex tape thing is the most amazing loophole, like, that you could just say, I didn't know how that got out there. 0.98

00:53:16.000 Yeah.

00:53:17.000 Remember they were doing that for a while?

00:53:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:19.000 I mean, like, especially, like, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

00:53:23.000 That was, like...

00:53:23.000 Well, no, Pam Anderson was the first one.

00:53:25.000 Yeah.

00:53:25.000 But she was already famous.

00:53:27.000 Oh, you mean getting famous that way?

00:53:29.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:30.000 Yeah.

00:53:30.000 Right.

00:53:30.000 I mean, her and Tommy Lee was in goddamn Motley Crue.

00:53:32.000 Right. 0.98

00:53:33.000 You know? 1.00

00:53:33.000 He probably leaked it just to show everybody his giant dick. 1.00

00:53:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:36.000 It was really big. 1.00

00:53:40.000 I don't care who you are as a guy, you see that video, you feel really bad about yourself.

00:53:46.000 Not really, I'll tell you why, because it's kind of skinny.

00:53:49.000 It doesn't have a lot of girth to it.

00:53:51.000 There's certain dudes, like Lexington Steele, is that his name?

00:53:55.000 The porn guy? 1.00

00:53:56.000 He's got a dick that just doesn't even look like it could be real. 1.00

00:53:59.000 The bar has been raised so high, Everybody wants to go with John Holmes all the time, especially guys in our age bracket. 1.00

00:54:06.000 They're always going to go, the guy's got a dick like John Holmes. 0.99

00:54:08.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00

00:54:09.000 John Holmes barely has a big dick compared to some of these dudes. 1.00

00:54:13.000 I mean, his dick's big, but that's like average big. 1.00

00:54:16.000 Do you think there's anything they do to make them bigger? 1.00

00:54:18.000 Is there like steroids or something?

00:54:20.000 Genetics!

00:54:20.000 Evolution!

00:54:21.000 It's just finding bigger dicks. 1.00

00:54:22.000 The porn stars are evolving, just like the football players are evolving. 1.00

00:54:24.000 Right, right. 1.00

00:54:25.000 Yeah, they're giant dick dudes now. 1.00

00:54:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:27.000 In silicone. 1.00

00:54:28.000 They have been black. 0.99

00:54:29.000 What? 1.00

00:54:29.000 And they inject silicone into their dicks. 1.00

00:54:31.000 Do they do that? 1.00

00:54:31.000 Is that true? 1.00

00:54:32.000 Wait a minute.

00:54:33.000 Do you know this for a fact?

00:54:34.000 100%.

00:54:34.000 Because if you do, pull up a link.

00:54:35.000 100%.

00:54:35.000 We've already talked about it.

00:54:36.000 Go get some links. 1.00

00:54:38.000 Injecting silicone in your dick. 1.00

00:54:39.000 I don't think that's a common practice, son. 1.00

00:54:41.000 It makes your dick all lumpy and shit. 1.00

00:54:43.000 No, it's actually used a lot more than you would think. 1.00

00:54:45.000 What?

00:54:45.000 How do you know?

00:54:46.000 How many dicks have you inspected? 0.99

00:54:47.000 Kids got a new business. 0.99

00:54:48.000 I've talked about this a lot.

00:54:49.000 Well, that means it's real.

00:54:52.000 As long as you talked about it. 1.00

00:54:56.000 Man spends six years injecting silicone in his penis... 1.00

00:54:59.000 Well, of course there's instances. 1.00

00:55:01.000 I'm just wondering if the porn stars do it.

00:55:03.000 Yeah, I don't think that's what's going on, dude. 1.00

00:55:04.000 Those dudes just have giant dicks. 1.00

00:55:07.000 But that's not what's going on. 1.00

00:55:08.000 These guys have big dicks. 1.00

00:55:09.000 It's not making your dick look like their dick. 1.00

00:55:12.000 It's just not. 1.00

00:55:13.000 They have giant dicks. 0.99

00:55:14.000 If they do something to it, maybe. 1.00

00:55:17.000 But these dudes, even when they're limp, they have these giant fucking dicks. 1.00

00:55:20.000 Unless you can find a link. 1.00

00:55:22.000 Yeah, there's tons of them.

00:55:23.000 I just can't really show you them.

00:55:24.000 Well, just an article or something that says what they do.

00:55:27.000 Oh, I could show you by block putting your logo up so no one can see it except us.

00:55:31.000 Okay. 0.98

00:55:32.000 I'd like to see CSI do a fucking search on Red Band's hard drive. 0.99

00:55:35.000 Oh, yeah, this is a porn site, though, dude. 0.99

00:55:37.000 This is a porn site. 1.00

00:55:38.000 This is guys sucking guys' dicks on a porn site. 1.00

00:55:41.000 That's not proof that they're shooting... 1.00

00:55:43.000 Dude, if it was something that they did all the time, you could find a goo-goo result of it.

00:55:48.000 Yeah, they're... 1.00

00:55:49.000 Porn stars inject silicone into dicks to make them larger. 1.00

00:55:53.000 Find that and then come to us. 1.00

00:55:55.000 You know who had a really big dick? 1.00

00:55:57.000 Who? 1.00

00:55:58.000 Dick Daugherty!

00:55:59.000 I bet he did, Dick Daugherty. 1.00

00:56:01.000 Remember, he used to do fucking 15 minutes on how big his dick was. 1.00

00:56:04.000 I wake up in the morning, there's goats on it! 1.00

00:56:08.000 That's right.

00:56:09.000 And he was this guy who had to be in his 60s when he was doing those jokes.

00:56:14.000 Okay, hold on.

00:56:14.000 Pull that up.

00:56:14.000 Pull that up so we can read it.

00:56:15.000 What does it say? 0.99

00:56:17.000 Silicone penis pumping parties are a thing and they're no good. 1.00

00:56:21.000 Okay, I've got to read this on my laptop so I can read it. 1.00

00:56:24.000 Silicone penis... 1.00

00:56:28.000 Illegal! 1.00

00:56:29.000 Imagine being the cop that busts that one up. 1.00

00:56:31.000 You have to give a license for a fucking silicone penis pumping party. 1.00

00:56:35.000 Put your hands behind your back! 1.00

00:56:37.000 Applying for a license for a silicone penis pumping party. 0.99

00:56:41.000 Pumping parties involve one person injecting non-surgical silicone into another person's body. 0.97

00:56:46.000 Usually the silicone comes from items found in your local hardware store, like fix a flat or tire polish.

00:56:53.000 And they inject it?

00:56:54.000 Well, you better really enjoy that night. 0.99

00:56:57.000 Women in the past have used pumping parties to enhance the sizes of their butts, but lately more and more men have been doing it to their penises. 1.00

00:57:05.000 Oh! 1.00

00:57:06.000 Oh my god.

00:57:07.000 Oh, I've heard about women getting, you know, they go to like Spanish Harlem and they go to like a storefront upstairs and they inject caulk and then it petrifies and they've got these hard lips. 1.00

00:57:19.000 Alright, Jeremy, I'll show you an actual guy that has silicone in his dick from a porn video. 0.99

00:57:24.000 Gotta censor it for the home people. 0.99

00:57:25.000 Okay, they're saying it doesn't work.

00:57:27.000 If there was a legitimate method for penile lengthening, Johnson& Johnson or Pfizer would have bought it up and made billions and billions of dollars worldwide.

00:57:34.000 The fact that they don't means it doesn't exist.

00:57:38.000 So what they're saying, though, is this is not...

00:57:40.000 See, that's saline, bro.

00:57:41.000 You got the wrong substance. 1.00

00:57:43.000 That guy has saline in his balls. 0.99

00:57:44.000 That's a common thing that they do, too. 1.00

00:57:46.000 Yeah, we get it.

00:57:47.000 I think we get the video.

00:57:48.000 It's just salt water. 1.00

00:57:51.000 So what they're saying is that people are idiots and that they get together and they shoot saline in their dicks. 1.00

00:57:56.000 But these are the type of people that, they're nuts. 1.00

00:57:59.000 I mean, there's people that cut themselves and put horns in their head. 1.00

00:58:02.000 And this is not like something porn stars do to make their dicks bigger. 1.00

00:58:05.000 What's his face? 0.99

00:58:06.000 They're saying also that it doesn't work. 0.99

00:58:07.000 Your friend, the porn star guy that did Rear Fucker... 0.98

00:58:11.000 That did Rear Factor. 0.99

00:58:13.000 Stephen St. Croix.

00:58:14.000 He's the one that also talked about it.

00:58:16.000 We've talked about it many times on different podcasts before. 1.00

00:58:19.000 Supposedly, it is a thing in the industry that people pump their dick up with like this shit. 0.99

00:58:23.000 I can't imagine that it would work, though. 0.99

00:58:25.000 It doesn't make any sense that it would make it... 0.97

00:58:27.000 Look, I'm telling you, if you see Lexington Steel's dick, and I'm not saying go look for it, but you will, and if you do, you're going to go, oh, that ain't fake. 1.00

00:58:35.000 That is not a big fake, siliconed up weirdo dick like a fake lip. 1.00

00:58:39.000 That's a dude with a giant dick. 1.00

00:58:41.000 And he's only one of many. 0.99

00:58:42.000 The Johnny Holmes, my point was that the Johnny Holmes reference that we had when we were kids, that's no longer the benchmark. 0.98

00:58:49.000 These guys have way bigger dicks than John Holmes. 0.99

00:58:51.000 If John Holmes was in one of those gangbangs with those guys, he would look like a guy with a big dick. 1.00

00:58:54.000 That's it. 1.00

00:58:55.000 They all have big dicks. 1.00

00:58:56.000 These guys have giant dicks. 1.00

00:58:57.000 Some of these guys, you can't believe that they can own a dick that big. 1.00

00:59:00.000 Like, what do they do with it when they're not using it? 1.00

00:59:02.000 They laugh.

00:59:03.000 All day laughing at the goodness that the world has given them.

00:59:06.000 Here's an article on Your Tango. 0.71

00:59:08.000 It's an interview with a male porn star.

00:59:10.000 And one of the things he says, Sometimes dudes can't get it up, which is a problem on a porn set.

00:59:14.000 No surprise there.

00:59:15.000 But apparently you can build up tolerance to erection enhancers like Viagra.

00:59:19.000 The solution? 1.00

00:59:20.000 Inject your dick. 1.00

00:59:21.000 Yes, with a needle. 1.00

00:59:22.000 With more intense liquid medication that works instantly and leaves your underside of your cock filled with needle holes. 1.00

00:59:29.000 Yeah, but you're talking about the wrong stuff. 0.99

00:59:30.000 This is stuff that's been around forever.

00:59:32.000 They've been doing that forever.

00:59:34.000 In the old days, they used to do it, I believe, with testosterone. 1.00

00:59:38.000 Someone said they inject testosterone right into the base of their dick. 1.00

00:59:42.000 And their dick would go... 1.00

00:59:50.000 It would go in the penis and just start doing push-ups on its own. 1.00

00:59:54.000 You don't even have to move. 0.99

00:59:55.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:59:56.000 Inject and dick. 1.00

00:59:56.000 I would use Pillsbury dough in mine. 1.00

01:00:00.000 And then jerk off and have a croissant come out. 0.75

01:00:06.000 Are you cooking it in there? 1.00

01:00:09.000 How hot does your dick get? 1.00

01:00:12.000 You know, that's a thing that people do. 1.00

01:00:14.000 Your wife's like, why do I have a yeast infection again? 1.00

01:00:18.000 Specifically?

01:00:20.000 There's a thing that people do where they drive for long trips and they'll put food on their grill or on the engine block, like wrap it in aluminum foil, put it on the engine block and cook it as they're driving and then pull over and eat the food.

01:00:34.000 That's genius.

01:00:35.000 Yeah, and it works.

01:00:36.000 Of course.

01:00:37.000 You can take a tilapia, a little slice of butter, some garlic salt... 0.68

01:00:42.000 Put that bitch up in there, fold it nice, put it on your engine block, and then the other one, you roll up some asparagus, put that also in the aluminum foil, and then drive a couple of hours, pull over, and have a nice dinner.

01:00:53.000 I wonder how long it would take to cook like that. 0.98

01:00:55.000 You need a cookbook.

01:00:56.000 Somebody should come up with a cookbook for cooking times and what part of the engine to put it on.

01:01:00.000 If you have a V6, cooking time is only 12 minutes.

01:01:03.000 If you've got a Prius, it's four and a half hours.

01:01:05.000 It doesn't get hot! 0.99

01:01:07.000 If you have a fucking old Mustang, get it off in five minutes. 1.00

01:01:12.000 Hit the gas once and eat. 1.00

01:01:13.000 It was like an old, like a GT350. Those fucking things got so hot. 0.99

01:01:20.000 Those old cars got so hot. 1.00

01:01:22.000 Well, I had this Volkswagen Rabbit back when I was going from New York to Boston pretty much every week.

01:01:27.000 Wow.

01:01:27.000 I had a Volkswagen Rabbit, and they used to have the starter right next to the engine block.

01:01:33.000 And so it would get heated up, and if I stopped, like at the Mass Pike, you know, rest area...

01:01:39.000 It wouldn't start again because it was so fucking hot.

01:01:41.000 The starter was just like incapacitated. 0.88

01:01:43.000 And I'd have to wait like 40 minutes to start the car again.

01:01:46.000 So I would just leave the car running in the rest areas.

01:01:49.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:01:50.000 That's a bitch. 1.00

01:01:52.000 I used to have a... 0.99

01:01:53.000 One of the things I loved about having a manual transmission is I didn't need the starter that I could pop the clutch.

01:01:58.000 Roll it and pop it.

01:01:59.000 Yeah, that was a big thing, man.

01:02:00.000 I wonder if I could do that with a new car.

01:02:02.000 Does that work on new cars too?

01:02:03.000 It is probably all kinds of safety things.

01:02:06.000 I wonder if it works on new cars.

01:02:07.000 I should try it on my car.

01:02:08.000 It is a huge upside of having a standard.

01:02:10.000 Oh, it was giant.

01:02:11.000 I loved it because my car ran out of batteries before.

01:02:14.000 I forgot the lights.

01:02:15.000 I left the lights on.

01:02:16.000 And all I did was get that...

01:02:17.000 I did it backwards once.

01:02:18.000 Oh, yeah?

01:02:19.000 Yeah.

01:02:19.000 Wow.

01:02:20.000 I don't know how the fuck I did it. 0.98

01:02:21.000 Backwards into reverse or backwards into reverse? 0.98

01:02:23.000 Backwards into reverse.

01:02:24.000 Yeah.

01:02:24.000 Backwards into reverse.

01:02:25.000 Wow.

01:02:26.000 But it works great in first.

01:02:28.000 First is where it really works.

01:02:30.000 All your car is standard that you have now?

01:02:31.000 No, no, I have an M3 that's not a standard.

01:02:35.000 That's my commuter car.

01:02:37.000 Now I'm trying to think if I did do it backwards, or if I rolled down a hill backwards and then turned around in the intersection and pulled it out. 0.90

01:02:43.000 I did it so many fucking times, I don't remember, but I had this Audi Fox... 1.00

01:02:47.000 It was such a piece of shit. 1.00

01:02:48.000 Oh, those were pieces of shit. 1.00

01:02:49.000 Such a piece of shit, but I loved that car. 1.00

01:02:51.000 That car is a special car for me. 1.00

01:02:54.000 A special car in my memory.

01:02:55.000 Yeah.

01:02:55.000 Because that was like my independence car.

01:02:57.000 That was the first car that I got when I moved out of my parents' house.

01:03:00.000 And it was the first car that I got that was a small car that I could drive around in.

01:03:04.000 It had a cool kind of European thing going on, too.

01:03:07.000 Front wheel drive, manual transmission. 1.00

01:03:09.000 But it was such a hunk of shit. 1.00

01:03:10.000 It died all the time. 1.00

01:03:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:12.000 I was always popping the clutch on that fucker. 1.00

01:03:14.000 I think it was a Volkswagen at some point, and then it switched sides. 0.99

01:03:18.000 Because Audi and Volkswagen were like the same company.

01:03:21.000 Really?

01:03:21.000 I thought Cotter had a Volkswagen Fox.

01:03:24.000 Maybe his was an Audi Fox.

01:03:26.000 That was it.

01:03:28.000 That's my baby.

01:03:30.000 Oh, yeah.

01:03:30.000 That's nice, man.

01:03:31.000 That looks like a...

01:03:33.000 I didn't have that year, and I had a copper one.

01:03:37.000 It was copper-colored.

01:03:39.000 I want to know if it was a two-door or a four-door.

01:03:41.000 I don't remember.

01:03:42.000 I think it was a four-door.

01:03:43.000 Was this your first car?

01:03:45.000 No.

01:03:45.000 It was my first independent car.

01:03:47.000 It was when I was independent, when I wasn't living with my parents anymore.

01:03:50.000 I had this car.

01:03:51.000 I think I bought it from one of my mom's friends or something, too. 0.95

01:03:54.000 I can't even remember how the fuck I got it. 0.99

01:03:55.000 But it was one of those cars where I was like, let me just drive this piece of shit around for a while. 0.99

01:03:59.000 Because I've been really into cars since I first got my license. 0.98

01:04:03.000 I always loved American muscle cars.

01:04:05.000 That's what I loved.

01:04:05.000 I loved old Chevelles and Barracudas and Challengers and those kind of cars.

01:04:10.000 I just loved them, man.

01:04:12.000 Other cars to me were just transportation.

01:04:14.000 I got it.

01:04:15.000 Yeah, I know that you want to get a VW because that was exactly what I had.

01:04:19.000 It was a two-door.

01:04:20.000 That's exactly what I had.

01:04:22.000 It was like a copper color, though, like a little darker.

01:04:24.000 But that was the first car that I had.

01:04:28.000 I was like, this is just going to get me where I want to go.

01:04:30.000 What freedom that is. 0.97

01:04:31.000 When you're inside that car and you realize, like, I'm in a capsule and it's fucking mine and it takes me where I want to go. 0.93

01:04:37.000 That's powerful. 0.96

01:04:38.000 Yeah, when you're young and it's the first time you get to just go wherever you want.

01:04:42.000 Because you've been taking buses and walking.

01:04:44.000 I'll walk to your house, see you in an hour. 0.99

01:04:46.000 Now it's like I'll see you in two minutes and then we'll go buy beer and sit behind a fucking bleach or something. 0.99

01:04:51.000 What is that? 0.98

01:04:52.000 It's the same car.

01:04:54.000 No.

01:04:55.000 I think.

01:04:55.000 Oh, wait, no.

01:04:56.000 That looks like a hatchback.

01:04:57.000 That's not the same car at all.

01:04:58.000 Yeah.

01:04:59.000 AMC Sprint.

01:05:00.000 Yeah, it's a totally different company, different names.

01:05:03.000 Well, no, it came on.

01:05:04.000 Getting the worst researcher ever.

01:05:05.000 Did you just Google car?

01:05:06.000 No, I just did the model, and for some reason that just got mixed in with your cars.

01:05:09.000 Oh.

01:05:09.000 I don't know why.

01:05:10.000 Cars that suck that you don't want in 2014. How did you afford the car? 0.60

01:05:15.000 Did you work for it?

01:05:16.000 Yeah, I don't remember because I don't remember what year it was, but during those days, it was probably a mix of construction work and probably delivering newspapers still then.

01:05:29.000 Yeah, I was delivering newspapers even before I had the Audi.

01:05:32.000 I started newspapers right out of high school.

01:05:35.000 I did it for like four years.

01:05:36.000 I might have even done it while in high school for a while.

01:05:39.000 It was just the greatest gig ever.

01:05:41.000 Did you throw them out the passenger door?

01:05:43.000 Yes, and the driver's door.

01:05:45.000 And it depended on where I was driving.

01:05:47.000 Would you ever stop and get out because you made a bad throw?

01:05:50.000 Yes.

01:05:50.000 I stopped and got out if I made a bad throw, and there were certain houses that they demanded that you put it inside their door, which is really annoying.

01:05:58.000 Did they tip you, those people?

01:06:00.000 Some of them were.

01:06:00.000 Some of them, I didn't mind it if they were old folks.

01:06:03.000 They just didn't want to get up and walk all the way down the steps.

01:06:06.000 I did it for, like, there was this old lady that was super sweet, and I always did it for her.

01:06:10.000 She didn't even ask for it.

01:06:11.000 No, she was a little too old.

01:06:13.000 A couple years.

01:06:13.000 I missed her by a couple years.

01:06:14.000 She probably wanted it in the ass. 1.00

01:06:16.000 Never had it. 1.00

01:06:17.000 They didn't do it in the ass in the 80s, bro. 0.99

01:06:19.000 It was super rare. 0.99

01:06:19.000 But just think about it. 0.99

01:06:20.000 That asshole is as tight as her vagina was when she was 17. It's just waiting. 1.00

01:06:25.000 It's just waiting.

01:06:26.000 It's not kept.

01:06:29.000 It's definitely not kept up well.

01:06:31.000 Definitely flavored.

01:06:34.000 Smoked.

01:06:34.000 And you know, with that arthritis, she's not getting a good wife going back there either.

01:06:39.000 Barely.

01:06:39.000 Getting one finger in the groove.

01:06:41.000 No one had anything but toilet paper back then. 0.99

01:06:43.000 And even in porn, girls had hairy assholes back then. 1.00

01:06:46.000 Remember that? 1.00

01:06:47.000 In porn, it was a jungle.

01:06:49.000 They just left it alone.

01:06:49.000 There was no trimming.

01:06:50.000 No.

01:06:51.000 And then one brave gal shaved the whole cooter, and from then on out... 1.00

01:06:55.000 It was a party.

01:06:56.000 Now it's weird if you see it. 0.99

01:06:58.000 Well, I guess not, but lately if you see it, it's kind of like, what the fuck? 0.98

01:07:02.000 No, that's a thing now. 0.99

01:07:03.000 That's a thing.

01:07:04.000 Is retro...

01:07:05.000 Bushes?

01:07:06.000 Bushes, yeah.

01:07:06.000 Bushes are making a comeback?

01:07:07.000 Not huge bushes, but, you know...

01:07:09.000 A little bit of jungle?

01:07:10.000 Yeah, a little bit of jungle.

01:07:11.000 A little forestry.

01:07:12.000 Just a little bit of rainforest.

01:07:14.000 A little park.

01:07:14.000 Just a little triangle of green in the town square.

01:07:18.000 Just a little something.

01:07:19.000 A little something.

01:07:20.000 Make it interesting.

01:07:21.000 Well, people will try to change it up every now and then with everything.

01:07:24.000 I mean, remember when they tried to bring bell bottoms back?

01:07:27.000 There was a time where dudes were wearing bell bottoms again.

01:07:29.000 Didn't last long.

01:07:30.000 It was only a couple of months.

01:07:32.000 But people were just trying.

01:07:33.000 Yeah.

01:07:33.000 You know?

01:07:34.000 And people accused me of that with the fanny pack.

01:07:36.000 But I tell you this. 0.99

01:07:37.000 First of all, I never stopped wearing a fucking fanny pack. 0.99

01:07:39.000 Ever. 1.00

01:07:40.000 So you can't tell me that I'm trying to bring it back because it never went away.

01:07:43.000 Is it back? 1.00

01:07:44.000 Fuck yeah, it's back. 1.00

01:07:45.000 It's back? 1.00

01:07:46.000 Matthew McConaughey was at a baseball game wearing one and he was singing the virtues of the fanny pack.

01:07:50.000 I sell out of them on HirePrimate.com.

01:07:52.000 Sell out of them every month. 1.00

01:07:54.000 I hate having shit in my pockets. 1.00

01:07:56.000 I love the fanny packs. 1.00

01:07:57.000 You want one?

01:07:57.000 I got one for you.

01:07:58.000 Right here.

01:07:59.000 Jamie, get it for him.

01:08:00.000 Oh, I love it.

01:08:01.000 It's leather, too.

01:08:02.000 No, my kids laugh at me because I have one, but it ripped apart.

01:08:04.000 Yeah, see, that's a decent one, but the Roots one, I got the Roots one from Dice. 0.99

01:08:09.000 Roots is the best fucking company. 0.98

01:08:10.000 It's a great company. 1.00

01:08:11.000 They make good bags.

01:08:14.000 Dice came in.

01:08:15.000 Sweatpants!

01:08:16.000 Cigarettes!

01:08:17.000 Fanny pack!

01:08:18.000 Oh! 1.00

01:08:19.000 And so he comes in with this, look at that, this fucking fanny pack. 1.00

01:08:22.000 It's a sweet fucking fanny pack. 1.00

01:08:25.000 Oh, that's elegant. 1.00

01:08:26.000 Two legit pockets in the front.

01:08:27.000 That is elegant.

01:08:28.000 High quality, everything, like great latch.

01:08:30.000 It's got like an airplane buckle.

01:08:31.000 Mm-hmm.

01:08:32.000 Excellent latching system, and it's really high quality.

01:08:36.000 It's the best quality fanny pack I could find.

01:08:38.000 So I had my Higher Primate logo.

01:08:40.000 If you look on one of the pockets, see the chimp logo with the light bulb above his head? 1.00

01:08:44.000 That's the Higher Primate logo.

01:08:46.000 So I had it embossed, pressed, whatever it is, into the leather.

01:08:50.000 This is real leather. 0.99

01:08:51.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 0.99

01:08:52.000 Yeah, those are high quality, man. 0.99

01:08:53.000 But if you wear one of those, like, it's so convenient when you go to the airport.

01:08:57.000 My God. 0.99

01:08:58.000 Because when you go to the airport, it's such a bitch to take everything out of your fucking pockets and put it back in. 1.00

01:09:02.000 Chicks don't have to do that. 1.00

01:09:03.000 They just lay down their purse and they walk to the other side and they're good.

01:09:07.000 Anywhere.

01:09:08.000 Like my glasses, they're sitting on the table right now.

01:09:10.000 I'll probably forget them. 0.99

01:09:11.000 That happens to me every fucking day. 0.99

01:09:13.000 This way, I stick them right inside my fanny pack. 1.00

01:09:16.000 Your phone slips right in there. 1.00

01:09:18.000 When it vibrates, it vibrates right over your dick. 1.00

01:09:22.000 Reach down, touch it, pull it out. 0.99

01:09:24.000 You wait until it's like four or five rings in, then you pull it out.

01:09:30.000 My point is that this isn't like the bell bottom. 0.99

01:09:33.000 This thing is functional as fuck. 1.00

01:09:35.000 It's like the most functional way to carry your shit around ever. 1.00

01:09:38.000 And the reason why people don't do it is because they're worried that they look bad. 0.99

01:09:41.000 Is it a conversation starter, do you find?

01:09:43.000 Yes.

01:09:44.000 Most certainly is.

01:09:45.000 Yeah.

01:09:46.000 Yes.

01:09:46.000 People go, right on, man.

01:09:47.000 I go, yeah.

01:09:48.000 That's right. 1.00

01:09:49.000 Fuck everybody. 1.00

01:09:50.000 Fuck them. 1.00

01:09:50.000 Remember Rosie Greer in the 70s started wearing a dude carrying a purse? 1.00

01:09:53.000 Did he? 1.00

01:09:54.000 That giant fucking linebacker. 1.00

01:09:55.000 Who's going to say shit to him? 1.00

01:09:56.000 Nobody. 0.99

01:09:57.000 Exactly.

01:09:57.000 Yeah.

01:09:58.000 You don't need a backpack.

01:09:59.000 It doesn't need to have two handles.

01:10:00.000 Yeah, right.

01:10:01.000 But the real deal is, a backpack's better than a purse, and you're allowed to wear a backpack. 0.99

01:10:05.000 Like, if a guy has a backpack on, and, you know, you run into some friends, and one of them happens to be a girl, nobody gives you a hard time, but if you had a fucking purse on, they'd be like, what's up, bitch? 0.99

01:10:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:10:14.000 What are you doing with that purse? 0.99

01:10:15.000 Holy shit, is that Chanel? 1.00

01:10:17.000 The fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:10:18.000 Right. 1.00

01:10:19.000 You don't have a woman anywhere near you.

01:10:21.000 You're just walking around with this.

01:10:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:22.000 And if you are a guy and you have a purse, you gotta carry it like this, like, out to the side, as if it's a head that you just cut off with a fucking sword. 1.00

01:10:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:29.000 Like it's smelly garbage you're bringing out to the curb. 1.00

01:10:32.000 Yeah, I'm carrying this because I'm going to get some pussy at the end of this fucking journey. 1.00

01:10:36.000 I got this in my hand and when I bring it back to her, I'm going to fuck the life out of her. 1.00

01:10:40.000 Every second I hold this, there's another second I'm inside of her skull with my shaft. 1.00

01:10:45.000 And plus, you could do some good shoulder exercises, just do some hand-offs as you walk with the purse, because a lot of chicks have fucking heavy purses. 1.00

01:10:53.000 You know, you can get a lot of shit done. 1.00

01:10:55.000 The bigger the purse, the crazier the woman also. 1.00

01:10:59.000 That's so true. 0.75

01:10:59.000 Right. 0.75

01:11:00.000 That's so true.

01:11:01.000 Right. 1.00

01:11:01.000 Yeah, but those chicks that have, like, little tiny, like, clutches, those are the chicks that can just fucking, they'll come over your house, fuck you, and they'll, all right, take care, I gotta hit the airport. 1.00

01:11:11.000 That's it. 1.00

01:11:11.000 Those chicks travel light. 1.00

01:11:12.000 They got a handy wipe in there for the undercarriage.

01:11:15.000 Otherwise, it's just a boarding pass.

01:11:17.000 Okay. 0.99

01:11:17.000 Give it a little fucking one of those sanitary things. 0.99

01:11:20.000 You know those wipes? 1.00

01:11:23.000 Purell wipes.

01:11:24.000 After eating ribs.

01:11:24.000 After ribs!

01:11:25.000 The things you get at Wood Ranch.

01:11:29.000 Give it a little wipe now.

01:11:30.000 And it looks the same. 1.00

01:11:31.000 Yeah, fuck it. 1.00

01:11:34.000 Let it go. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Let it go and get on that plane.

01:11:38.000 World travelers.

01:11:39.000 Some people do travel like that.

01:11:41.000 Don Herrera buys all his underwear and socks everywhere he goes.

01:11:44.000 Is that true?

01:11:44.000 Throws them out.

01:11:45.000 Yeah, throws them out.

01:11:46.000 That sounds like an effort, though, to find a place that sells underwear.

01:11:49.000 Not really.

01:11:50.000 He just pulls in somewhere when he gets there, gets some socks.

01:11:53.000 What, is he renting a car to have the gig?

01:11:56.000 I don't know.

01:11:56.000 I mean, I bet he does in some places, for sure.

01:11:59.000 You know, but I always rent a car.

01:12:01.000 Do you rent a car when you go places?

01:12:03.000 Rarely.

01:12:03.000 Rarely?

01:12:04.000 I go to the hotel and I just hole up and get depressed for a few days.

01:12:07.000 I know, you keep telling me you gotta bring someone around.

01:12:09.000 The way we do it, man, we do it so different.

01:12:11.000 Now with Uber, you don't need them to rent a car, really.

01:12:13.000 That's true.

01:12:14.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:12:14.000 But then you got some crazy dude driving around that's probably barely been fucking profiled. 0.97

01:12:19.000 You know, they barely checked that guy out. 0.97

01:12:21.000 Yeah, right.

01:12:21.000 And he's, you know, all of a sudden he's driving around.

01:12:23.000 He's got no gas.

01:12:23.000 You run out of gas.

01:12:24.000 Robert Downey Jr. with a purse.

01:12:26.000 Yeah.

01:12:27.000 See, I don't know about that one.

01:12:28.000 It's probably his wife's purse. 0.96

01:12:30.000 Or he's Robert Downey motherfucking Jr. and he's got a billion dollars. 1.00

01:12:33.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:12:34.000 But the purse hanging around the arm seems like a pain in the ass. 1.00

01:12:38.000 That seems like you're stuck with your arm like that the whole time. 0.99

01:12:40.000 But it's a good exercise.

01:12:41.000 It's good for the arm muscles.

01:12:43.000 Right.

01:12:43.000 Put a kettlebell on the other one.

01:12:44.000 Yeah, put a kettlebell in it. 0.98

01:12:46.000 I have a bowling ball case that I carry with me when I go on the road.

01:12:50.000 I bring a kettlebell in it.

01:12:52.000 Do you really? 1.00

01:12:53.000 I throw a 50-pound kettlebell in that bitch. 1.00

01:12:55.000 Check it. 1.00

01:12:56.000 Shut up! 1.00

01:12:56.000 Yeah, seriously. 1.00

01:12:57.000 It's on a roller and everything.

01:12:59.000 So you can do kettlebells when you get to the hotel?

01:13:02.000 Otherwise, where are you going to get a kettlebell?

01:13:04.000 Wow!

01:13:04.000 It's hard.

01:13:05.000 Hard to get a kettlebell.

01:13:06.000 Have you ever tried one of the water ones where you just pump up with water?

01:13:08.000 Those are not strong enough for this, son.

01:13:10.000 You've got to feed that.

01:13:12.000 That needs to be fed.

01:13:14.000 Ken, this water's not going to...

01:13:15.000 You need something much larger than water.

01:13:17.000 Water's not heavy enough.

01:13:18.000 You need metal.

01:13:19.000 There you go, son.

01:13:20.000 Look at that.

01:13:20.000 Brian's working out.

01:13:21.000 Yeah, it's good.

01:13:21.000 The fist was shaking a little bit.

01:13:23.000 It's...

01:13:25.000 Some hotels have great gyms.

01:13:27.000 When a hotel is a great gym, it's a godsend because you don't have to go anywhere.

01:13:29.000 It's right there in the building.

01:13:31.000 When they have great 24-hour gyms, that's amazing.

01:13:33.000 Oh, can you do that?

01:13:34.000 You do the midnight workout?

01:13:35.000 Oh, I love it. 1.00

01:13:35.000 No shit. 1.00

01:13:36.000 After shows. 1.00

01:13:37.000 I love an after-show weightlifting session.

01:13:39.000 Wow.

01:13:39.000 Yeah.

01:13:40.000 You go for a while?

01:13:41.000 Yeah.

01:13:41.000 You know why I do it?

01:13:42.000 Because I don't want to do it.

01:13:43.000 Because after shows, I want to just do nothing.

01:13:45.000 So every now and then, I like to exercise that part of me that doesn't want to do something.

01:13:48.000 Huh.

01:13:48.000 Yeah.

01:13:49.000 I think it's important to do.

01:13:50.000 I just worked in Tampa and they had a gym around the corner that was like, you know, triathlon. 0.98

01:13:55.000 Like, what are the people that drag tire fucking? 0.85

01:13:57.000 They had giant tractor tires you could push and chains you could pull. 0.99

01:14:02.000 It was wild. 0.95

01:14:03.000 There was like no pussy machines at all. 1.00

01:14:06.000 None of my machines were there. 0.78

01:14:08.000 Isn't it funny that all that stuff used to be called work?

01:14:10.000 Right.

01:14:11.000 That was what people used to do. 0.99

01:14:13.000 You had to pick up chains if you worked in a fucking shipyard. 0.99

01:14:15.000 Climb a ladder. 0.99

01:14:16.000 Yeah, if you worked in a factory that made tires, you had to flip tires, you had to move them.

01:14:20.000 I mean, now everybody's like, you know, oh, I'm getting that CrossFit workout in, I'm hitting a tire with a sledgehammer.

01:14:25.000 Why don't you do some honest work?

01:14:28.000 You're wasting all that sledgehammer movement.

01:14:31.000 You could be breaking rocks in the pen.

01:14:32.000 Right.

01:14:33.000 There's crates.

01:14:34.000 You stack crates over in the corner and then you restack them in the other corner.

01:14:37.000 You remember that was what we always saw in penitentiary movies?

01:14:40.000 Dudes would break rocks. 0.99

01:14:41.000 Yeah.

01:14:42.000 Remember that?

01:14:42.000 Yep.

01:14:43.000 Is that real?

01:14:44.000 That's still.

01:14:45.000 They still do that.

01:14:46.000 They break rocks. 1.00

01:14:46.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

01:14:47.000 I would think the last thing you would want is a bunch of inmates with insane cardio that have been breaking rocks all day. 1.00

01:14:53.000 Because if you have a fucking sledgehammer and you're swinging that bitch all day, breaking rocks, my God, are you going to get in insane shape. 1.00

01:15:00.000 You're back in it. 1.00

01:15:01.000 And if you punch somebody, George Farman used to do that.

01:15:04.000 He used to chop wood.

01:15:04.000 That was like one of his exercises.

01:15:06.000 My neighbor does that every night. 0.99

01:15:07.000 It sucks. 0.99

01:15:08.000 It's annoying. 0.99

01:15:09.000 He just has wood and he just sits there and chops wood all night long.

01:15:11.000 And it's loud.

01:15:13.000 But he has this humongous thing that you just like, it doesn't split because it's just this humongous, So he does it just for fun?

01:15:19.000 Working out.

01:15:20.000 Yeah, my doctor digs holes in his yard.

01:15:26.000 I go, what do you do for exercise?

01:15:28.000 Because he's a black belt in martial arts too, some kind of martial art.

01:15:31.000 But I go, do you do that anymore?

01:15:33.000 He's like, that's too much strain on my body because he's in his 60s.

01:15:36.000 I go, so what do you do for workouts?

01:15:38.000 He goes, I dig holes in my yard.

01:15:39.000 I go out in the yard and I just do yard work.

01:15:42.000 Start digging holes.

01:15:43.000 I go, do you want to dig these holes?

01:15:45.000 Is there a purpose for them?

01:15:46.000 He goes, sometimes.

01:15:47.000 And sometimes it's just to dig a hole.

01:15:48.000 Bodies? 0.93

01:15:49.000 No, he's a nice guy.

01:15:51.000 He said that that's like a great way of, it's a great, like, that's a manual labor that's like really robust for the body.

01:15:58.000 Yeah.

01:15:59.000 Because you're digging into that dirt, you're forcing it in with your legs, you're digging it up, you're hoisting it up, and then boom.

01:16:04.000 And then it, there's like, he goes, if you look at the motion of like digging a hole, he's like, all of that, it's like an excellent workout.

01:16:11.000 Yeah.

01:16:11.000 It's like you're forcing, you're using your legs, you're using your arms, you're using your shoulders and your back, you're digging, you're bending down, you're picking it up.

01:16:18.000 All these muscles are engaged.

01:16:20.000 Also, when it's an activity, then you will push yourself further than if you were just lifting a dead weight.

01:16:26.000 There's no creativity.

01:16:27.000 There's no beginning, middle, and end to it. 0.99

01:16:29.000 But when you're shoveling, or even if you're busting up stones, there's like, I'm going to bust this fucking stone up. 0.99

01:16:34.000 But I would think busting up stones would fuck. 1.00

01:16:35.000 Fuck your face up and your body up. 1.00

01:16:38.000 You could hit with shrapnel and shit. 1.00

01:16:39.000 You'd probably get cut. 1.00

01:16:40.000 Your ears are just deaf by the end of the day. 1.00

01:16:43.000 You'd have to have some shit in your ears. 1.00

01:16:44.000 And you know the handle's getting splinters on it. 1.00

01:16:46.000 They're not giving you good hammers.

01:16:48.000 They'll probably give you gloves.

01:16:49.000 Maybe.

01:16:51.000 But I got news for you.

01:16:52.000 Even with gloves, you're going to get blisters.

01:16:54.000 Yeah.

01:16:55.000 You're swinging a hammer all day, a sledgehammer, breaking rocks, and you're doing it five days a week or whatever they make those guys work?

01:17:00.000 See, they need to combine the gym with actual industry.

01:17:05.000 Like, what if you really did need rocks broken up?

01:17:08.000 Bring them to Gold's Gym, dump them out back, have people come out and cross-train by hitting the rocks, hook up all the cardio machines to a generator so you're getting the electricity out of it, turn the gym into a working energy and production machine.

01:17:24.000 Do you know how much cardio you would have to do to generate any energy?

01:17:28.000 Oh, is that right?

01:17:29.000 Even enough energy to power a phone while you're jogging would be very difficult.

01:17:34.000 You couldn't even keep the lights going in the gym?

01:17:36.000 Yeah.

01:17:36.000 I mean, no.

01:17:38.000 No.

01:17:39.000 No.

01:17:40.000 No, no, no.

01:17:40.000 With the music playing, the TV's on, and all the fluorescence on...

01:17:44.000 Good fucking luck. 0.99

01:17:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:45.000 Solar, you could do it with solar. 0.99

01:17:47.000 But the amount of force that you would have to do, like on an elliptical machine, just to keep your iPhone running, I don't know if you could do it.

01:17:55.000 Wow. 0.97

01:17:55.000 I really think your iPhone would require at least as much as you were doing if you were like really fucking hoofing it. 0.97

01:18:02.000 Unless they made a super efficient system. 0.92

01:18:05.000 But I don't know, man.

01:18:07.000 I don't know.

01:18:08.000 I would think that if that was the case, there would be all sorts of mechanical workarounds for electricity.

01:18:15.000 I think that would be something that someone would have thought of a long time ago.

01:18:19.000 Imagine if you could get your day's worth of electricity.

01:18:23.000 All by doing a 20-minute session on your elliptical machine every day.

01:18:27.000 So every day, not only did you force yourself to get a good exercise in to start your day, but when you bank it like that, it stores electricity and it powers your entire house for the day.

01:18:36.000 Air conditioning.

01:18:38.000 That would be badass, and eventually we get to the point where we all have, like, where they get ions small enough where everyone's got a battery pack. 0.97

01:18:45.000 You've got a fanny pack that's got a battery in it, and you've got to work out in the morning to charge that motherfucker, and then when you go to work, your computer plugs in there. 0.92

01:18:53.000 It's just got a giant plug, and then you fill it yourself. 0.99

01:18:56.000 If you don't have enough juice at the end of the day, you don't fucking work on your computer. 1.00

01:19:00.000 I'd be fit as fuck. 0.99

01:19:01.000 Yeah, well, you would need that energy. 0.99

01:19:04.000 It's like, in a way, that's kind of what people used to have to do when they were chopping wood. 0.97

01:19:08.000 It's like, you had to go out and chop that fucking wood up, otherwise you didn't have wood to burn. 0.97

01:19:13.000 Like, there's this show that I watch sometimes. 0.99

01:19:15.000 Friends?

01:19:16.000 No, I don't watch that.

01:19:17.000 Curious George?

01:19:18.000 Frasier.

01:19:19.000 That's my favorite.

01:19:20.000 No, it's not.

01:19:23.000 I didn't know his Frasier thing.

01:19:25.000 Never got it.

01:19:26.000 Never understood it.

01:19:26.000 I'd watch it for five minutes and go, okay.

01:19:28.000 Yeah, it's classic sitcom formula.

01:19:31.000 Get one character who's exactly the same as the other character, and then just watch the conflict arise.

01:19:39.000 Well, Fraser's one of the weird sitcoms where people don't talk about it.

01:19:43.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:19:44.000 That was a big goddamn sitcom for a long time. 1.00

01:19:46.000 Twelve years or some shit. 1.00

01:19:48.000 Nobody talks about it. 0.99

01:19:48.000 Here's another one. 0.99

01:19:49.000 Ready for this?

01:19:49.000 And it won a ton of Emmys, too.

01:19:50.000 Fuck yeah, it did. 1.00

01:19:51.000 Here's another one. 1.00

01:19:51.000 Ready for this? 1.00

01:19:52.000 John Larroquette Show.

01:19:54.000 How long was that on?

01:19:55.000 I don't remember that show.

01:19:55.000 Exactly.

01:19:56.000 Exactly.

01:19:57.000 A long time.

01:19:58.000 Right.

01:19:59.000 You don't hear about it?

01:20:00.000 Lenny Clark was on it.

01:20:01.000 Lenny Clark was on the set right down the...

01:20:04.000 like one sound stage over.

01:20:06.000 When I was on news radio, it was...

01:20:09.000 news radio was on one side.

01:20:11.000 Joey Lawrence was next to us.

01:20:13.000 And Joey Lawrence would sit in his car and he would open his doors up of his car.

01:20:18.000 It's a crazy car.

01:20:19.000 You know, he's super rich.

01:20:20.000 And he would crank his sound system with his songs playing.

01:20:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:20:24.000 And he would sit there and like fucking rock out to his songs. 1.00

01:20:28.000 The fucking kid was like 18, right? 1.00

01:20:30.000 The kid was 18 and he had a Ferrari or something ridiculous. 1.00

01:20:32.000 Big Mercedes.

01:20:34.000 I mean, he had a ton of cars.

01:20:35.000 I mean, he was unbelievably wealthy.

01:20:38.000 And he would play his music.

01:20:40.000 And Dave Foley took great amusement in this.

01:20:43.000 Dave Foley loved it.

01:20:45.000 He was like, the Lawrence boy is out there playing his music again.

01:20:47.000 Yeah.

01:20:50.000 He would come in and he goes, he seems to quite like his own songs.

01:20:53.000 And they would go out there.

01:20:57.000 And he would wave to him.

01:20:58.000 I mean, there he is.

01:21:01.000 Nothing my love can't fix.

01:21:05.000 He was Bieber before Bieber.

01:21:08.000 Yeah.

01:21:09.000 Well, he was beautiful.

01:21:10.000 All his clothes are way too big.

01:21:12.000 He was beautiful.

01:21:14.000 Look at that hair, man.

01:21:18.000 Greg Giraldo.

01:21:32.000 Greg Giraldo's show was... 0.50

01:21:35.000 I might be fucking up the timeline here.

01:21:38.000 I think Giraldo might have been first season.

01:21:40.000 Joey Lawrence might have been second season.

01:21:41.000 But Giraldo's show was on there as well.

01:21:44.000 And then right over here was the John Larroquette show with Lenny Clark.

01:21:48.000 And we're all on the same feed.

01:21:49.000 So we could watch them rehearse.

01:21:51.000 So we could watch like... 0.99

01:21:53.000 And I would watch their rehearsals and Larroquette was such a dick. 0.99

01:21:57.000 He would yell at all the other actors. 0.99

01:21:59.000 You kind of could see that. 1.00

01:22:00.000 Oh my god, he was a dick. 1.00

01:22:02.000 I used to watch him yell at Lenny. 1.00

01:22:04.000 And Lenny is a big fucking guy. 0.99

01:22:07.000 And Lenny is a guy who's been in a lot of fights. 1.00

01:22:10.000 He's done his share of below, and he will punch you in your fucking face. 1.00

01:22:14.000 But he didn't. 1.00

01:22:15.000 Because he was on this show with this guy, and he's like, Hey, tell him! 0.99

01:22:18.000 I tell him, John, fucking relax! 0.99

01:22:20.000 You're on TV! Why are you so fucking stressed? 1.00

01:22:23.000 You know? 1.00

01:22:24.000 But I would watch him yell at the cast or throw his fucking script and get all pissed off. 0.99

01:22:29.000 And that happens on sets. 1.00

01:22:32.000 People get all fucking tense. 0.94

01:22:33.000 They work together all the time. 0.99

01:22:35.000 So much stress involved.

01:22:37.000 And sometimes people blow off at each other.

01:22:39.000 Well, and you're getting paid so much money that you start to internalize that what you're doing is actually that important.

01:22:45.000 Like, the money really shouldn't be that high for what you're doing.

01:22:50.000 No.

01:22:51.000 And so you start to feel like you really should be giving more and it should be better.

01:22:54.000 And it's still a sitcom.

01:22:56.000 It's not supposed to be any better.

01:22:57.000 Well, it's also...

01:22:58.000 It was the John Larroquette show.

01:23:00.000 So it's his show.

01:23:01.000 It had his name on it.

01:23:02.000 And he was on what?

01:23:03.000 Was it Night Court before that?

01:23:04.000 This is after Night Court, right?

01:23:05.000 Yep.

01:23:06.000 Yep.

01:23:06.000 How many seasons did that go, Brian?

01:23:08.000 Yeah.

01:23:08.000 I would say only three because I barely remember this being on.

01:23:11.000 No, no, no.

01:23:11.000 Don't say only three.

01:23:12.000 Google it.

01:23:13.000 But then Night Court was a decade, I bet.

01:23:17.000 It went to syndication.

01:23:18.000 I would guarantee it did at least four.

01:23:20.000 And Night Court, he had the kind of gig where he just showed up, nailed a couple scenes and went home for ten years.

01:23:26.000 Yeah, but it's one of those shows that was on TV when news radio was on.

01:23:31.000 It was like a big show, and no one talks about it.

01:23:34.000 It's weird.

01:23:34.000 How many seasons?

01:23:36.000 Four.

01:23:37.000 It went from 93 to 96. Yep, so four seasons.

01:23:41.000 Yeah.

01:23:42.000 Probably did 100 episodes.

01:23:43.000 Yep, I think that's what they did, and then they got out.

01:23:46.000 Banged out 25 a year.

01:23:47.000 Well, I think, isn't the magic number 100?

01:23:49.000 That's when they can syndicate?

01:23:50.000 That's why news radio never really got to 100. That was like, our joke is that we never quite made it.

01:23:56.000 You didn't get to 100?

01:23:57.000 No, we got to 98. Oh, yeah.

01:23:59.000 That's hilarious.

01:24:00.000 But it's syndicated anyway.

01:24:02.000 They didn't need a hundred to syndicate, but it was an inside joke with us.

01:24:05.000 That's us.

01:24:08.000 We never quite made it.

01:24:10.000 News Radio became famous after it was off the air.

01:24:14.000 That's when it really became famous.

01:24:16.000 It became famous when Phil died, but before Phil died, it wasn't a hit show.

01:24:24.000 We moved around nine times.

01:24:26.000 That's a real number.

01:24:27.000 Your time slot?

01:24:28.000 Nine times over five years.

01:24:30.000 And this is pre-internet.

01:24:31.000 That's right.

01:24:31.000 I remember that.

01:24:32.000 You guys were all over the place.

01:24:34.000 No one knew where it was.

01:24:35.000 Did you get any bad ones like Friday night?

01:24:37.000 We got terrible ones.

01:24:38.000 I don't remember where it was.

01:24:40.000 I remember there was Monday for a while, and there was Tuesday, and I think Sunday.

01:24:44.000 But we never got Thursday.

01:24:45.000 Thursday was like the big night.

01:24:46.000 We were on Thursday once.

01:24:47.000 We were like number two.

01:24:48.000 And it was like friends and then us.

01:24:50.000 And we were like, oh my god, this could happen every week.

01:24:51.000 But it never happened again.

01:24:52.000 Yeah.

01:24:57.000 The time slot that you're in is so important.

01:25:01.000 Time slot's everything.

01:25:03.000 And there was a lot of shows that would be like Friends, Seinfeld, and that show would be in the middle. 0.96

01:25:09.000 And they would call it the Shit Sandwich Spot.

01:25:11.000 That's what Paul Simms used to call it because it's like these amazing shows, and then in between these amazing shows would be like Sex and the City. 0.96

01:25:17.000 Different roles.

01:25:19.000 Jonathan Silverman had that show, the single guy.

01:25:22.000 And those shows would be unwatchable, but they would be sandwiched in between genius shows.

01:25:27.000 And so everybody would watch them.

01:25:28.000 So everybody wanted those slots.

01:25:29.000 Well, I think they launched Third Rock in that spot, too, didn't they?

01:25:32.000 I don't know.

01:25:33.000 I don't remember.

01:25:33.000 I think they might have launched it there and then take...

01:25:36.000 Because that's their goal is that's where they plant the seed, they let it grow, and then they transplant it hopefully to a Tuesday or a Wednesday where that becomes an anchor for other shows.

01:25:46.000 And they can do that now way better because people can alert people that the time slots changed. 0.98

01:25:50.000 But back then, no one knew what the fuck was going on.

01:25:53.000 Unless you had TV Guide, you didn't know when the time slot was... 0.97

01:25:57.000 So we'd move slots.

01:25:58.000 Also, you're taking advantage of the lead-in.

01:26:02.000 Thursday night was must-see TV. People put it on at 8 o'clock and they turned it off at 10 o'clock.

01:26:06.000 Yeah, and it was a tradition for some strange reason, like a Thursday night tradition.

01:26:10.000 Mostly because there was great shows like Seinfeld and I think Cheers was a Thursday night show too originally, right?

01:26:16.000 So it's always been traditionally their spot.

01:26:19.000 There's a great book Warren Littlefield wrote called Top of the Rock that's the history of Thursday Night Must See TV. It talks about just, I mean, you realize how random things happen, like the casting of Friends could have gone eight different ways.

01:26:34.000 Literally, you know how it is.

01:26:35.000 People test for a show.

01:26:36.000 Yeah.

01:26:36.000 So you've got three or four actors going in for a role in one day, and the fact that they picked Jennifer Aniston, the fact that they nailed that cast.

01:26:45.000 I mean, I was never into the show.

01:26:47.000 I never got it.

01:26:48.000 But it is apparently a very perfect, balanced ensemble cast.

01:26:53.000 Yeah, they nailed it.

01:26:54.000 They nailed the casting.

01:26:56.000 There's no mistakes.

01:26:57.000 But the book tells you about how many ways things could have blown over contracts.

01:27:01.000 And guess what?

01:27:02.000 The reality is, if they did it differently, it probably still would have worked.

01:27:05.000 They would have found some other talented people.

01:27:07.000 It's not a matter of those are the only gems they could have found. 0.99

01:27:10.000 There's so many goddamn talented people that never get a chance. 0.89

01:27:12.000 That's the craziest thing about acting, is that you don't have, like, there's no recourse. 0.99

01:27:17.000 Like, if they don't choose you... 1.00

01:27:18.000 Tough shit. 1.00

01:27:19.000 There's nothing else. 1.00

01:27:20.000 It's like a comic, you're undeniable. 1.00

01:27:23.000 You go up at the improv and destroy, then someone who's got a sitcom deal goes on after it and sucks their own dick. 0.99

01:27:28.000 There's nothing anybody could say. 0.99

01:27:30.000 It's like you can't deny that Greg Fitzsimmons is funny.

01:27:32.000 You just saw it.

01:27:33.000 It's over.

01:27:33.000 He proved it.

01:27:34.000 But if you're an actor...

01:27:35.000 Good luck. 1.00

01:27:36.000 Good fucking luck! 0.99

01:27:38.000 That's why they're so facetious. 1.00

01:27:40.000 That's why there's so much fakeness in the way they behave.

01:27:45.000 That's why there's so much anxiety in the actor community.

01:27:49.000 Like, their entire gig is dependent upon someone else's approval.

01:27:53.000 Yeah, when you meet sitcom actors, they're so positive.

01:27:57.000 And they so try to make a connection with you and be your friend.

01:28:00.000 And you always walk away going, wow, that's a really good guy.

01:28:03.000 And then you realize... 1.00

01:28:04.000 That motherfucker. 1.00

01:28:05.000 He's working it. 1.00

01:28:06.000 He's working it.

01:28:07.000 They have to work it.

01:28:07.000 If they don't work it, if there's any hint whatsoever that you might be difficult, they will move on to step two.

01:28:15.000 Who's the other guy?

01:28:16.000 Bring him in.

01:28:17.000 And the other guy comes in, give it to him.

01:28:20.000 It happens.

01:28:21.000 And casting is a weird thing.

01:28:22.000 And then once you make it, then they trust you.

01:28:24.000 I mean, you look at the people.

01:28:25.000 Exactly.

01:28:26.000 You know, you look at Kelsey Grammer or Julie Louise Dreyfuss.

01:28:29.000 Like, some people, they just go, put them back in.

01:28:31.000 Yeah, they can't fail.

01:28:32.000 It's just the writing's bad.

01:28:34.000 Yeah.

01:28:35.000 You know, Ray Romano was the original guy on my gig.

01:28:39.000 Right.

01:28:39.000 News radio.

01:28:40.000 Yeah.

01:28:40.000 And they fired him during the taping of the pilot.

01:28:43.000 They're like, this guy just doesn't connect with America.

01:28:46.000 Yeah.

01:28:47.000 Yeah.

01:28:47.000 He leaves and goes off to do a giant, way more successful sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond.

01:28:54.000 In the title, not only are you wrong in firing him, but in the title, it says Everybody Loves Raymond.

01:29:02.000 You didn't think that people liked him?

01:29:04.000 No, you're so wrong.

01:29:05.000 He was so good, he literally walked away from the job.

01:29:09.000 How often does that happen?

01:29:10.000 Where they go, we're only going to do 10, and I think they talked him into 11, and then they walked away, like, still with really strong ratings.

01:29:18.000 You mean seasons?

01:29:19.000 I think they did 10, and then they bought another one.

01:29:22.000 Wow, he did 11 seasons.

01:29:23.000 I think so.

01:29:24.000 Check it out.

01:29:25.000 Whew! 0.99

01:29:26.000 Do you know how much money is involved in owning your own show and being on 11th?

01:29:30.000 And a show that, by the way, is still in the air.

01:29:33.000 Unlike Frasier or these other shows, you flip through the channels, you'll find everybody loves Raymond on all the time.

01:29:38.000 It's still a really good show.

01:29:40.000 Does he own it?

01:29:40.000 Does he have some ownership?

01:29:41.000 He has some ownership.

01:29:42.000 Without a doubt.

01:29:43.000 I don't know about that.

01:29:46.000 I remember I had a development deal the same year he did when it was the Raymond deal.

01:29:51.000 And his was minuscule.

01:29:52.000 I remember almost thinking like, oh, that's so fucking weird.

01:29:55.000 That guy's so funny. 0.78

01:29:56.000 It was like a September development deal.

01:29:59.000 It was like the end of the season.

01:30:00.000 And he kind of crawled in.

01:30:02.000 And he'd been doing Letterman.

01:30:03.000 So it was a deal with Worldwide Pants.

01:30:06.000 And then they put him together with Phil Rosenthal.

01:30:08.000 And it struggled.

01:30:10.000 The show struggled.

01:30:10.000 No, I don't think he had enough juice to get ownership.

01:30:12.000 Yeah.

01:30:13.000 Eventually, I'm sure he did.

01:30:14.000 Yeah?

01:30:14.000 Yeah.

01:30:15.000 Eventually, I'm sure they renegotiated it.

01:30:17.000 Yeah.

01:30:17.000 I know he's insanely wealthy.

01:30:18.000 Nine seasons.

01:30:19.000 Nine seasons.

01:30:20.000 Nine seasons.

01:30:21.000 Well, when I was...

01:30:22.000 I'm good friends with Kevin James, and when I was on news radio, it was right when...

01:30:27.000 Ray and I didn't have any tension, because there was actually a guy in between us that got hired to do his gig, and then that guy got fired, and then I got it.

01:30:35.000 So it wasn't like I was taking over Ray's spot.

01:30:38.000 And Ray and I had always been friends.

01:30:40.000 And so we were eating at Jerry's Deli, and it was right when he got it, and I've never seen a guy more obsessed with getting things right.

01:30:47.000 Like, we're all sitting there eating dinner, or lunch, or whatever the fuck we're eating, and Ray would be like, um, what if a guy comes in, and he's like, he's going through all of his bits, like, going through the thing, like, he was obsessed.

01:30:58.000 His stand-up bits? 0.56

01:30:59.000 No, no, no.

01:30:59.000 The bits that were going to happen on a sitcom.

01:31:02.000 Oh.

01:31:02.000 He was going through the beats.

01:31:04.000 Is it better?

01:31:05.000 He had all these ideas and he was just throwing them around.

01:31:07.000 They couldn't stay in his head.

01:31:10.000 He was so obsessed with getting it right that it was all day, every day, it was on his mind.

01:31:15.000 I was working Catch a Rising Star in Princeton with Tom Caltabiano.

01:31:20.000 Tom Paris, he changed his name to, who's like his wingman, basically.

01:31:24.000 Caltabianco, right?

01:31:25.000 Caltabianco.

01:31:26.000 Yeah, isn't that how you say it?

01:31:27.000 Yeah, he's like a photographer.

01:31:28.000 He was a writer on Ray.

01:31:29.000 But anyway, he came down and Ray was...

01:31:33.000 Tom was opening for me and Ray was taking the train from New York to Princeton to keep working on the pilot with Tom.

01:31:40.000 Wow.

01:31:41.000 Yeah.

01:31:41.000 Wow.

01:31:42.000 Yeah, he works hard, man.

01:31:43.000 He works hard.

01:31:44.000 Well, he's obsessive.

01:31:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:46.000 He's a funny, funny, funny fucking guy. 0.99

01:31:47.000 I just played golf at this club that he belongs to and they told me like, Ray, yeah, a little obsessive out here. 0.99

01:31:53.000 Yeah, with golf?

01:31:54.000 Yeah.

01:31:54.000 Well, Kevin, too.

01:31:55.000 Him and Kevin are fucking maniacs with golf. 1.00

01:31:57.000 Really? 1.00

01:31:58.000 Kevin plays golf good.

01:31:59.000 Yeah.

01:31:59.000 I just saw last night his brother, he hurt his shoulder playing golf.

01:32:04.000 Did he?

01:32:04.000 Gary did?

01:32:05.000 Gary Valentine, yeah.

01:32:06.000 Just going crazy?

01:32:07.000 He hit a shot out of the rough. 1.00

01:32:08.000 It was thick rough, and I guess the club got caught, and he ripped his fucking shirt off. 0.99

01:32:11.000 Shoulder apart. 0.99

01:32:12.000 That can happen, huh?

01:32:14.000 Yeah.

01:32:14.000 I would imagine, you know, if you hit something really hard and all of a sudden it stops.

01:32:17.000 Right, right.

01:32:18.000 Shoulder's a tough one, man.

01:32:20.000 Shoulder has a, it's a weird joint.

01:32:22.000 Like, unlike a knee.

01:32:23.000 Like, a knee they can fix pretty good.

01:32:24.000 Because knees, it's fairly simple because it only hinges.

01:32:28.000 You know, it goes up and down.

01:32:29.000 But a shoulder has all this articulation and movement.

01:32:32.000 And you have to apply pressure in 360 degrees at any given time.

01:32:36.000 You're pushing up, back, forward.

01:32:38.000 Yeah.

01:32:38.000 I had shoulder surgery a couple years ago.

01:32:40.000 Did you?

01:32:41.000 Well, all the ligaments had worn out.

01:32:43.000 And, you know, where the clavicle comes together with it, there's three bones that come together right here.

01:32:48.000 And so they went in and they sawed.

01:32:51.000 They went in two spots arthroscopically.

01:32:53.000 They sawed down each of the three bones a little bit.

01:32:56.000 Wow.

01:32:56.000 And it creates space and then it causes tissue, what do you call it, scar tissue, which acts like a ligament.

01:33:03.000 And now my arm, fucking 100%. 0.99

01:33:05.000 Wow. 0.99

01:33:06.000 I couldn't even lift it.

01:33:07.000 I wore it out.

01:33:09.000 Did you tear it?

01:33:11.000 No, it was a life of throwing objects and being a boy.

01:33:15.000 Throwing things is a big one, man.

01:33:17.000 Shoulder surgery for football players, quarterbacks, and also for baseball players, that's super common, man.

01:33:23.000 Yeah.

01:33:23.000 There's something about throwing that's just a lot of stress on the body.

01:33:27.000 The good thing about boxing and those kind of workouts is, especially if you hit a bag, you're hitting something.

01:33:33.000 So even though there's resistance, at the end of it, you're hitting something.

01:33:38.000 So it's not like the snap of missing things and throwing things.

01:33:44.000 When you throw things, there's this extension.

01:33:46.000 You're extending and you're starting behind yourself.

01:33:48.000 Boxing, your hands are in front of you.

01:33:51.000 So you've got your body weight behind everything you're doing.

01:33:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:33:54.000 And when you hit something, like the workout, like if anybody wants a great workout, get a goddamn bag. 0.99

01:33:59.000 Get a heavy bag. 0.97

01:34:00.000 If you've got a garage or a basement or something where you can hang it or someplace that has a bag that you can work out at. 1.00

01:34:06.000 Man, just fucking set your phone down and time yourself for three minutes and just go hammer that fucker. 1.00

01:34:11.000 Even if you have shit technique, just keep hitting it. 1.00

01:34:14.000 Hit that fucker for three minutes. 1.00

01:34:16.000 You'd be amazed at how exhausted you are and then how good you feel after you feel so peaceful. 1.00

01:34:21.000 Right, I know.

01:34:22.000 And also, you can do it if you're married. 1.00

01:34:23.000 Just hit your wife. 1.00

01:34:25.000 No, Greg! 1.00

01:34:27.000 Craig!

01:34:28.000 You ruined the whole show. 0.99

01:34:29.000 I mean, you need to marry a heavy girl. 1.00

01:34:31.000 If she's like a buck ten, it's one punch, your workout's over. 1.00

01:34:35.000 Yeah, you want like a 150 with a good chin.

01:34:37.000 Good stout chin.

01:34:39.000 Make some strong babies.

01:34:40.000 And some anger issues, so she pushes back.

01:34:43.000 This weekend, I got to drive a Dodge Challenger Hellcat.

01:34:47.000 That is going to be your next car.

01:34:49.000 Really?

01:34:50.000 You told me that you wanted to get a Challenger.

01:34:52.000 Yeah.

01:34:53.000 You're lucky you didn't get the old Challengers because they're kind of shitboxes, but they've nailed it now.

01:34:58.000 Yeah? 0.61

01:34:58.000 Oh, my God. 0.61

01:34:59.000 Oh, my God.

01:35:00.000 How big is the engine?

01:35:01.000 Oh, nothing.

01:35:02.000 Just 707 horsepower.

01:35:04.000 Is that the biggest production engine out there?

01:35:06.000 The most powerful muscle car ever built.

01:35:08.000 Wow.

01:35:10.000 Exactly.

01:35:11.000 Women will never understand this, Greg. 0.97

01:35:13.000 I knew that you were going to be here today, so I was happy while I was driving it that I'm going to get to talk to Greg about this.

01:35:18.000 What did it feel like?

01:35:19.000 This is Jay Leno driving it.

01:35:22.000 That's pretty good.

01:35:23.000 Cut to way towards the end of this video.

01:35:25.000 That was the beginning of it.

01:35:27.000 Cut to way towards the end when he's driving it.

01:35:28.000 Because for the first 20 minutes, they just talk.

01:35:31.000 Did you punch it coming out of a turn?

01:35:34.000 Yeah.

01:35:34.000 What do the wheels do?

01:35:35.000 We beat the shit out of this thing. 0.97

01:35:37.000 Sorry, Dodge SRT. Only in good ways. 0.96

01:35:40.000 We just stomped on the gas a lot.

01:35:41.000 It was just really fun, man.

01:35:46.000 It's unbelievable.

01:35:47.000 Oh, it's automatic?

01:35:47.000 That one is, but they sell on a stick, too.

01:35:49.000 You can buy it on a stick.

01:35:50.000 You want a stick.

01:35:51.000 That visibility looks better, too.

01:35:53.000 My problem with the Challenger was always the visibility.

01:35:55.000 It's kind of funky out of the passenger side when you're looking back.

01:35:59.000 That right corner is a little funky, but whatever.

01:36:02.000 How much does it start at?

01:36:04.000 It's not that much.

01:36:05.000 It's like for $60,000.

01:36:06.000 And I'm telling you, which is a lot of money, but for that car, for 707 horsepower...

01:36:10.000 The biggest price.

01:36:11.000 Production engine out there and you're getting it for less than...

01:36:13.000 It's so comfortable. 0.98

01:36:15.000 That's what's fucked up. 0.89

01:36:16.000 Like, these cars, like, they've figured out how to make the suspensions and the seats and everything, where it's like a Cadillac. 0.94

01:36:22.000 I swear to God, dude, you'll be blown away.

01:36:24.000 I didn't even put it, like, there's modes you could put it in.

01:36:27.000 You could put it in, like, track mode.

01:36:28.000 I didn't put it on track, but look how awesome that thing looks.

01:36:30.000 That is awesome.

01:36:31.000 Wow.

01:36:31.000 Play that sound so you can hear it when he's doing that, because it sounds so fucking good.

01:36:37.000 Package.

01:36:39.000 Hellcat's the code name of the engine.

01:36:42.000 This is not even doing it justice because he's inside of it with the camera.

01:36:45.000 We like the name so much and it was so fitting for the car.

01:36:50.000 Little bounce on the back end.

01:36:52.000 Dude, it's so smooth.

01:36:54.000 When you drive it, it's so comfortable.

01:36:56.000 Because it's huge.

01:36:57.000 It's 4,000 pounds.

01:36:59.000 It's not like a little car.

01:37:01.000 It's like way bigger than a Mustang.

01:37:02.000 Hybrid, don't dare you. 1.00

01:37:04.000 This is designed to ruin the earth, okay? 1.00

01:37:07.000 You're supposed to take part in ruining the earth with a smile on your face and a fucking glass of Chivas Regal in your hand, smoking a Dunhill, stomping on the gas. 0.99

01:37:16.000 And you can see the tsunami behind you as you outrun it. 1.00

01:37:19.000 Ah!

01:37:20.000 Knowing you caused it.

01:37:25.000 Whoa.

01:37:26.000 Who's that dude?

01:37:27.000 This is what it sounds like.

01:37:32.000 That's wind noise!

01:37:33.000 That's wind noise!

01:37:34.000 Jesus Christ.

01:37:36.000 Wow.

01:37:37.000 Dude, listen to these things before you crank them to the roof.

01:37:42.000 That's just the wind.

01:37:43.000 That's because they put a camera on the outside.

01:37:46.000 Like a GoPro.

01:37:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:47.000 The wind noise is awful on those fucking things. 1.00

01:37:50.000 But the sound that it actually makes. 0.99

01:37:52.000 There's one video where it says Hellcat Challenger sound where it's just the exhaust.

01:37:57.000 It literally raises your testosterone.

01:38:00.000 I had this guy in Gadsod.

01:38:02.000 He's some super intelligent, sophisticated PhD-type character.

01:38:08.000 I forget what his degree is in, but he was talking about...

01:38:11.000 Oh, that's me.

01:38:12.000 All right.

01:38:12.000 That's a funny picture.

01:38:14.000 Sexy as fuck. 1.00

01:38:16.000 Wow. 1.00

01:38:16.000 Love it. 1.00

01:38:16.000 That has been photoshopped on the underground on mixedmartialacts.com to the point of no return. 1.00

01:38:22.000 Oh, is that right?

01:38:23.000 Every possible...

01:38:24.000 Gee, I can't imagine what they would do to it.

01:38:26.000 Take another foot out. 0.98

01:38:27.000 Every possible gay scenario. 1.00

01:38:30.000 That is beautiful.

01:38:31.000 It's a beautiful car.

01:38:33.000 Car looks good.

01:38:37.000 My point is, find that Challenger sound.

01:38:40.000 It's just, the sound actually raises your testosterone.

01:38:44.000 Like, literally raises your testosterone, which is incredible. 0.98

01:38:46.000 My brother-in-law, he bought two kind of junked up Dodge Challengers, 73 Dodge Challengers, and he just, he's a motorhead, and he put them together and made this beautiful fucking car. 0.99

01:39:02.000 It's like growling. 0.99

01:39:03.000 It's like a lion.

01:39:05.000 Sounds so good, dude.

01:39:11.000 That's an American car that you can buy.

01:39:14.000 And I'm telling you, when you're driving it, you're like, this is so nice.

01:39:19.000 The inside of it is comfortable.

01:39:21.000 It's got all Alcantara, which is that artificial suede everywhere.

01:39:26.000 It feels good.

01:39:27.000 The dash is great. 0.99

01:39:28.000 It's a fucking incredible car. 0.98

01:39:30.000 I'm so happy that they finally started making real American muscle cars again. 0.99

01:39:35.000 Because for the longest time. 0.97

01:39:36.000 They tried for a while and they were just like, you guys are fucking missing it! 0.85

01:39:39.000 And then like five years ago, they just went back to the original plans. 0.94

01:39:44.000 That's all we wanted.

01:39:45.000 Big engine, lots of power, lots of sound.

01:39:47.000 And even the body shape.

01:39:49.000 They went back to the original.

01:39:50.000 Ah!

01:39:51.000 That's only one.

01:39:52.000 There's one with Eddie Bravo behind me and he's smacking me in the head.

01:39:56.000 It's hilarious.

01:39:58.000 Oh, it's so funny.

01:39:59.000 Oh, that's great.

01:40:00.000 I love those things.

01:40:01.000 Me too. 0.99

01:40:03.000 Fucking Photoshop's or something. 0.99

01:40:04.000 Back in the day, man, people would get really upset if other people made fun of him like that, but... 0.99

01:40:08.000 I don't get that.

01:40:10.000 I think it's funny.

01:40:11.000 People get mad.

01:40:12.000 Do they hate you?

01:40:13.000 Are they mad at you?

01:40:14.000 No, they're not mad at you.

01:40:15.000 They're making fun.

01:40:16.000 You can't be made fun of.

01:40:18.000 Does it change you as a person?

01:40:20.000 You don't think that's funny.

01:40:21.000 Kimbo Slice banging me over the side of a car.

01:40:24.000 That's hilarious.

01:40:25.000 Yeah, I just had, you know, French Stewart?

01:40:28.000 No.

01:40:28.000 He was from Third Rock from the Sun.

01:40:30.000 He was the kid.

01:40:30.000 He squinted a lot.

01:40:31.000 I never saw that show.

01:40:32.000 Anyway, he was heavily parodied.

01:40:35.000 He was telling me about, like, when he was at his top, like, SNL was parodying him, Jimmy Fallon, like, South Park guys.

01:40:42.000 Oh, that was the John Lithgow show, right?

01:40:44.000 Yeah.

01:40:44.000 Yeah, right.

01:40:45.000 The Inception Kid.

01:40:47.000 And South Park would regularly ream him for being a horrible actor and all that. 0.98

01:40:52.000 And he's like, honestly, I fucking loved it. 0.98

01:40:55.000 Really? 0.94

01:40:55.000 He goes, it really made me feel like I had made it. 0.94

01:40:58.000 That's funny.

01:40:59.000 Yeah.

01:40:59.000 Yeah, American Dad nailed me once.

01:41:02.000 No shit. 0.99

01:41:03.000 When I was on Fear Factor. 0.99

01:41:04.000 Yeah, I pulled up drinking a beer in a car and I was looking for strippers. 1.00

01:41:08.000 Yeah.

01:41:10.000 I'm pulled up in a car drinking.

01:41:12.000 And then I met Seth MacFarlane and I did his other show.

01:41:17.000 I did...

01:41:17.000 Cleveland show?

01:41:19.000 No.

01:41:21.000 American Dad.

01:41:22.000 No, the other one.

01:41:22.000 Family Guy.

01:41:23.000 I did Family Guy.

01:41:24.000 I played me on Family Guy.

01:41:26.000 I did my own voice on Family Guy once.

01:41:28.000 But it was funny.

01:41:29.000 He's a nice guy, man.

01:41:30.000 Seth MacFarlane's a very friendly, smiley guy. 0.99

01:41:34.000 You know who's cool as fuck? 0.99

01:41:36.000 Judd Apatow. 0.99

01:41:37.000 Judd Apatow was at the improv the other night.

01:41:39.000 He's just hanging out with us, like everybody else.

01:41:42.000 It was me and him and Delia and Jeffries.

01:41:46.000 Jim Jeffries. 0.98

01:41:47.000 We were hanging out over by the hallway, by where the bathroom is, because there's no fucking green room in the Hollywood Improv, which is the most ridiculous thing ever. 0.96

01:41:54.000 Delia was like, there's no green room. 0.93

01:41:56.000 Nobody thinks about the fact there's no green room. 1.00

01:41:58.000 I was like, yeah, if we were in Pittsburgh, we'd be like, fuck this place. 0.98

01:42:01.000 But because it's in town, we'll just accept the fact there's nowhere to stand in between shows. 0.99

01:42:05.000 But Judd Apatow was just hanging out with everybody else.

01:42:08.000 Yeah, he came on my podcast one time and then I went on about six months ago and I talked about how I thought Girls was a really bad show.

01:42:15.000 And I didn't realize that he created it.

01:42:17.000 And the truth is I'd only seen like five minutes of it. 0.99

01:42:21.000 But I just saw like, all I saw was hipsters and I was like, I fucking, I hate hipsters. 1.00

01:42:26.000 And so I just immediately judged the show and talked shit about it. 1.00

01:42:30.000 Oh no! 0.90

01:42:30.000 So then somebody, of course, tweets out to me and Judd, hey Judd, how do you feel like Greg Fitzsimmons saying your show is... 0.90

01:42:37.000 And he said more that overstated what I said, like said it's a shit show. 0.99

01:42:41.000 And so then Judd replied to him, that's a lie. 0.98

01:42:44.000 Greg Fitzsimmons is, you know, a funny guy and he gets it and he's a friend and he would never say that.

01:42:50.000 So then I emailed him like, dude, I'm so sorry.

01:42:52.000 I honestly haven't even seen the show.

01:42:54.000 I didn't know you created it.

01:42:56.000 And he gave me like a giant free pass.

01:42:59.000 And so I went off and I watched it.

01:43:01.000 And honestly, not shitting you, I watched the first season and it's actually a really good show.

01:43:06.000 I don't like hipsters, but I jump the gun. 1.00

01:43:09.000 Yeah, I don't like hipsters either, but they're great fodder. 1.00

01:43:11.000 They're great fodder.

01:43:12.000 Yeah, I mean, if you were going to do a sitcom and you didn't have a hipster in it today, you're not thinking straight.

01:43:17.000 Right. 1.00

01:43:18.000 A hipster would be like one of the perfect people to fuck with. 1.00

01:43:21.000 Yeah, it's like the yuppies of the 80s. 0.99

01:43:23.000 Even better, because they take themselves way seriously.

01:43:26.000 And part of their shtick about being a hipster is you're too cool for everything.

01:43:30.000 Yeah.

01:43:30.000 You're too cool.

01:43:31.000 Oh, I'm over it.

01:43:32.000 I'm so over this.

01:43:33.000 I'm so over that.

01:43:34.000 You're not allowed to get excited about it.

01:43:36.000 And you have to keep moving on.

01:43:37.000 Nick Yusuf is not a hipster.

01:43:39.000 He's the ultimate hipster.

01:43:40.000 Who is? 0.99

01:43:41.000 He's so crazy. 0.92

01:43:42.000 Nick Yusuf, when he was on the podcast, showed no hipster whatsoever. 0.53

01:43:45.000 He's a normal, cool dude who happens to be a comic. 0.97

01:43:48.000 You need to follow his Twitter because he has things where he shows you how to wash your jeans with toothbrushes and shit. 0.97

01:43:55.000 That doesn't make him a hipster. 0.96

01:43:57.000 How does that make him a hipster?

01:43:58.000 It makes him broke.

01:43:59.000 Maren bought these jeans where you don't ever wash them.

01:44:02.000 What?

01:44:02.000 Yeah.

01:44:03.000 They're called jeans.

01:44:03.000 I think those are hipster jeans.

01:44:04.000 No, there's no jeans where you don't ever wash them.

01:44:06.000 No, I swear to God. 1.00

01:44:07.000 Wash your jeans, you dirty bitch. 1.00

01:44:08.000 Nope, there's a certain type. 1.00

01:44:09.000 They're made of a material that's supposed to mold to your body so you never wash it. 1.00

01:44:14.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:44:14.000 That's so ridiculous. 1.00

01:44:16.000 That's just someone's fiction. 0.96

01:44:18.000 No, he talks about it on his podcast.

01:44:19.000 Yeah, but the person who created those jeans.

01:44:21.000 Oh, right, right, right.

01:44:21.000 That's their fiction.

01:44:22.000 Yes. 1.00

01:44:23.000 No, it's clothes, you fucking dirty bitch. 1.00

01:44:26.000 If you're getting funky in clothes, what, do the clothes magically have little cleaning robots that run around inside your dick and clean out where you're farting into your fucking pants? 1.00

01:44:34.000 It's Levi's, though. 1.00

01:44:36.000 Levi jeans...

01:44:36.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:44:37.000 See, they're saying not to wash your jeans.

01:44:40.000 That's what they're saying.

01:44:40.000 You don't have to wash them.

01:44:42.000 That's what they're saying.

01:44:42.000 That you wear it like a jacket.

01:44:43.000 No, you don't wash your jacket.

01:44:45.000 They're saying you don't have to wash your jeans.

01:44:46.000 I sweat, okay?

01:44:47.000 I sweat all the time.

01:44:49.000 Your undercarriage get a little steamy?

01:44:50.000 My legs, everything.

01:44:52.000 My body cools itself well. 0.99

01:44:54.000 I get shit done. 0.98

01:44:55.000 And my jeans get wet. 0.99

01:44:56.000 And I'm not wearing wet, smelly, ammonia, stinking jeans because my sweat's gone through them and then it's dried out and it's got this...

01:45:06.000 Faint whiff of funk. 1.00

01:45:07.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:45:08.000 Once I fart in a pair of pants, they're going in the laundry. 1.00

01:45:10.000 It's over!

01:45:11.000 Especially if I have yogurt in the morning.

01:45:14.000 Levi says that you should just freeze your jeans instead of washing them.

01:45:18.000 Oh, to kill bacteria. 0.57

01:45:18.000 They're disgusting. 0.57

01:45:20.000 They're disgusting. 0.98

01:45:20.000 Do they not understand that we have washing machines now? 0.98

01:45:23.000 We're not living in the year fucking 1910 when you had to do that shit with a rock and a fucking flat board. 1.00

01:45:29.000 Remember those washboards? 1.00

01:45:30.000 Yeah.

01:45:31.000 The freezer.

01:45:32.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:45:32.000 Honey, why does this turkey taste like someone's balls? 0.97

01:45:36.000 I do admit I don't wash my jeans as much as regular clothes, though. 0.97

01:45:40.000 I'd say maybe I'll wear them like ten times.

01:45:43.000 That's a lot, but I'm comfortable with wearing them for a weekend.

01:45:46.000 I'll wear the same jeans two days in a row.

01:45:48.000 No problem. 0.98

01:45:49.000 If I go on the road, if I don't feel like packing a lot of shit, I'll throw in one pair of jeans. 0.99

01:45:52.000 I'll throw in a backup pair, just in case the shit hits a fan, because my fucking bridge troll body doesn't fit in normal jeans. 1.00

01:45:58.000 I have to get specific jeans that fit me. 0.99

01:46:01.000 Yeah, I can't wear Levi's 501s.

01:46:05.000 What's too big?

01:46:06.000 Your legs?

01:46:07.000 My legs.

01:46:07.000 They won't go over past my knees.

01:46:09.000 I get above the knee and then it hits the troll part of me. 0.60

01:46:12.000 Yeah.

01:46:13.000 Have you tried the sweatpants one or the stretchy jeans that look like jeans?

01:46:16.000 But that looks too sexy.

01:46:16.000 I'm trying too hard.

01:46:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:18.000 Because you gotta think, my ass sticks out a lot and the thighs, so my dick will be much more smooshed in there. 1.00

01:46:24.000 I'll be trying to get everybody to look at my dick. 1.00

01:46:26.000 I wanna see that on the hood of a charger. 0.99

01:46:27.000 You wanna see that?

01:46:28.000 Bet you do.

01:46:29.000 I got into the... 1.00

01:46:30.000 I'm back to the original jeans, the fucking... 0.99

01:46:33.000 Lightweight, faded, loose, relaxed, 80s jeans. 0.99

01:46:37.000 These are luckies.

01:46:39.000 Luckies fit me.

01:46:40.000 Luckies for whatever reason.

01:46:41.000 Lucky jeans, they make them more...

01:46:43.000 No, they're loose.

01:46:44.000 Yeah, luckies are loo. 0.94

01:46:45.000 Yeah, more ape-like legs. 0.84

01:46:45.000 Luckies are loo? 0.84

01:46:46.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:46:47.000 I don't know what that means. 1.00

01:46:48.000 You don't know.

01:46:49.000 As long as we won't, I don't know.

01:46:50.000 We look good. 0.99

01:46:51.000 That's a terrible fucking Photoshop. 1.00

01:46:53.000 Some people's Photoshop skills are just awful. 1.00

01:46:55.000 Really?

01:46:55.000 They're awful.

01:46:56.000 Everything's out of perspective.

01:46:57.000 There's three different people in there they use parts from.

01:47:01.000 Gotta learn how to manipulate images, kids.

01:47:04.000 That Challenger needs to be your car, Craig Fitzsimmons.

01:47:06.000 We're not getting any younger.

01:47:07.000 Yeah, I know.

01:47:08.000 Let me get back to that.

01:47:08.000 If you're not going to get that, get a Camaro.

01:47:10.000 They have the new ZL1 and Z28, these two new cars they have.

01:47:14.000 Yeah.

01:47:14.000 Standard, you get them with a manual, just like that.

01:47:16.000 That comes with a manual.

01:47:17.000 But they sound fucking fantastic, and they're ridiculously fast.

01:47:19.000 What about the Mustang GT? That's another good one. 0.93

01:47:22.000 That's the one.

01:47:22.000 If I'm going to get one, I'm getting that.

01:47:24.000 How cheap is it?

01:47:24.000 Well, the new Mustang GT, it's like $35,000.

01:47:27.000 And it's fucking 420 horsepower. 0.98

01:47:30.000 Trading that Prius right now. 0.99

01:47:31.000 The ones that, if you got a, they don't have the 2015s out yet, but if you got a 2014, the 2014s is a fucking great car. 0.94

01:47:39.000 It's a great car. 0.91

01:47:40.000 It's loud as shit, and you could probably get a really good deal of them. 0.99

01:47:42.000 They have 400 plus horsepower. 0.99

01:47:44.000 They have that Coyote engine. 1.00

01:47:45.000 It's a fucking five liter... 1.00

01:47:47.000 Is that the GT or is that just the baseline one? 1.00

01:47:49.000 A GT. It's not expensive.

01:47:52.000 As far as what you get, bang for your buck, you can't do any better than the Mustang GT. It's a goddamn fast car. 0.99

01:47:58.000 The old cars, like in the 1970s, like when a Challenger came out, like the 1970 Challenger, 1970, 71, those cars were ridiculous. 0.99

01:48:07.000 It was 440 horsepower. 0.98

01:48:08.000 No one had seen anything like that with death-defying fucking brakes. 1.00

01:48:12.000 The brakes were retarded. 1.00

01:48:13.000 They were awful.

01:48:14.000 Drum brakes in the rear.

01:48:16.000 You stomped on the gas.

01:48:17.000 The whole car went sideways.

01:48:18.000 No traction control.

01:48:19.000 No nothing.

01:48:20.000 Just a regular base Mustang GT will bury that car.

01:48:24.000 Bury it.

01:48:25.000 And be able to corner.

01:48:26.000 And have anti-lock brakes.

01:48:28.000 Be able to corner.

01:48:29.000 And then they have the other one, like the Laguna Seca Mustang. 1.00

01:48:32.000 Dude, it's a great fucking car. 0.97

01:48:35.000 The Laguna Seca Mustang, they have the 302 Boss, which is a really good version of the Mustang as well. 0.99

01:48:41.000 It's like 420-ish, somewhere around horsepower.

01:48:44.000 And it's a great handling car.

01:48:46.000 And then they took it to the next level with this Laguna Seca Mustang.

01:48:49.000 It's like $40,000. 0.99

01:48:50.000 $40,000, it beats an M3 around a fucking racetrack. 1.00

01:48:53.000 It's incredible. 1.00

01:48:54.000 Wow.

01:48:55.000 It's chintzy inside a little bit. 1.00

01:48:57.000 There's plastic shit here and plastic shit there, but seats feel good, sounds great, massive balls. 1.00

01:49:04.000 As far as a car, be honest with that. 1.00

01:49:06.000 What are you driving that car for?

01:49:08.000 You're driving that car for the fun of it.

01:49:10.000 That's the fun.

01:49:11.000 To hear the rumble in the engine, to feel the acceleration when you stomp on the gas, to shift your gears, have a good time. 0.99

01:49:16.000 What do you give a fuck what it looks like? 0.99

01:49:18.000 You know, that's not what this car's about. 0.99

01:49:20.000 No, I'm not about the valet parking. 0.97

01:49:21.000 I'm about the 405 at 2 in the morning when it's why I'm coming back from the ice house and it's fucking late. 0.86

01:49:27.000 Going up Laurel Canyon on the way to the improv. 0.84

01:49:29.000 Coming over down to Melrose.

01:49:33.000 You can have fun!

01:49:34.000 Pulling up to a red light in Beverly Hills and there's some young Asian boy in the next car and you eyeball him.

01:49:39.000 What's that?

01:49:39.000 Why does he have to be Asian?

01:49:41.000 Why does he have to be Asian? 1.00

01:49:42.000 Why does he have to be Asian? 1.00

01:49:43.000 Why can't he be a black guy? 0.96

01:49:45.000 Pull up that Laguna Seca Mustang. 0.84

01:49:48.000 I don't think they're making this anymore.

01:49:50.000 You can probably still find some of them that are on lots that they haven't sold yet.

01:49:54.000 What about the Shelby? 0.93

01:49:56.000 Oh, that's a ridiculous car. 0.94

01:49:57.000 I had one of those. 0.99

01:49:58.000 That's right.

01:49:58.000 I had a GT500. That's right.

01:50:00.000 Convertible.

01:50:00.000 Wow, that looks sweet.

01:50:01.000 The problem with the convertible, though, is it feels like you could die.

01:50:04.000 Yeah.

01:50:05.000 At any moment, there's nothing above your head.

01:50:07.000 Look at that car.

01:50:09.000 That car is, I believe, somewhere around 420 horsepower and unbelievably fast around the track.

01:50:14.000 That's the Laguna? 0.66

01:50:14.000 Yeah, and it's like 40 grand. 0.66

01:50:15.000 And those wheels are standard with it?

01:50:17.000 Yeah, that's what it looks like.

01:50:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:19.000 It's a fun fucking car, man. 1.00

01:50:21.000 I could be a man again. 1.00

01:50:22.000 You could be a man again, Gregory.

01:50:25.000 I remember what it was like.

01:50:25.000 I had hair.

01:50:26.000 But it's fun.

01:50:27.000 You don't need the hair.

01:50:28.000 No.

01:50:28.000 It's not coming back.

01:50:29.000 You don't need the hair.

01:50:30.000 Shave the rest of it.

01:50:31.000 Be a light bulb. 1.00

01:50:32.000 But be a light bulb and a fucking fun car to enjoy. 1.00

01:50:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:50:35.000 Maybe you could take to wearing crazy sunglasses like Elton John did. 0.99

01:50:38.000 Or maybe I wear the wigs like...

01:50:40.000 Phil Spector?

01:50:41.000 Like Phil Spector.

01:50:44.000 Imagine if we started doing that, you and I just started wearing wigs at all of our shows and never addressing it.

01:50:50.000 Never address it.

01:50:50.000 No, never.

01:50:51.000 No jokes about it.

01:50:52.000 Nope.

01:50:52.000 People ask questions, you act like there's nothing weird.

01:50:54.000 I don't know what you're saying.

01:50:55.000 Just everywhere you go, it's like every day it's different.

01:50:58.000 Not only that, sometimes we'll wear bald caps with hair on the sides like Bozo the Clown.

01:51:07.000 Mohawks one day. 0.98

01:51:08.000 Sometimes it's an afro.

01:51:09.000 Yeah.

01:51:09.000 Never bring it up.

01:51:11.000 Trade them out with each other.

01:51:13.000 Sometimes it's like Farrah Fawcett.

01:51:14.000 Like Farrah Fawcett in the 70s. 0.99

01:51:16.000 You got little curls and shit. 0.99

01:51:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:51:19.000 Mullets.

01:51:20.000 Mullets.

01:51:21.000 All kinds.

01:51:21.000 Wigs just never work for guys.

01:51:24.000 I used to date a chick who had a shaved head. 1.00

01:51:26.000 She shaved her head a long time ago.

01:51:28.000 It was like early 90s.

01:51:29.000 She shaved her head and wore wigs.

01:51:31.000 She was from another country. 0.98

01:51:32.000 She was a singer.

01:51:33.000 She was just very eccentric. 0.99

01:51:34.000 But she would fucking rock a different wig. 1.00

01:51:38.000 Sometimes she would show up at the comedy store and I wouldn't even know it was her. 0.99

01:51:41.000 I was like, oh hey!

01:51:43.000 This is when I first moved to LA so I didn't really know how wacky people got.

01:51:48.000 I hadn't been around that many wacky folks.

01:51:50.000 This chick was someone who came to Hollywood with the sincere purpose of becoming even wackier. 1.00

01:51:57.000 And famous.

01:51:58.000 Yeah.

01:51:59.000 Didn't work out. 0.97

01:52:00.000 She's a talented chick, but crazy. 1.00

01:52:02.000 She wore wigs. 0.99

01:52:03.000 There's the...

01:52:09.000 That's Eddie Bravo spanking me. 1.00

01:52:11.000 I can't tell if he's hitting me in the head or the ass. 1.00

01:52:14.000 You look like Bruce Willis. 1.00

01:52:15.000 I think he's getting both, the ass and the head. 1.00

01:52:17.000 Crack, crack. 1.00

01:52:18.000 Crack, crack. 0.87

01:52:20.000 The UG. That's the underground.

01:52:22.000 Yeah, people wore wigs.

01:52:24.000 I mean, you think about like the Borscht Belt comics, you know, like Freddie Roman and these guys. 0.98

01:52:29.000 They slap that little glue, slap that shit on, head to the gig, throw on the tuxedo. 0.99

01:52:34.000 Put on a nice-ass piece. 1.00

01:52:36.000 And then during the day, nothing. 0.93

01:52:37.000 They're working out, bald-headed.

01:52:39.000 They didn't work out.

01:52:40.000 No, at the fryer, some of these guys worked out because they had heart attacks.

01:52:43.000 Yeah, they had a Stairmaster.

01:52:45.000 I think it had an ashtray on the side of it.

01:52:47.000 But you're talking about late in their life.

01:52:49.000 Yeah.

01:52:50.000 Oh, yeah.

01:52:50.000 Yeah.

01:52:50.000 Well, I'm talking about when they were touring the Catskills.

01:52:53.000 There was no working out, but they wore wigs.

01:52:55.000 No.

01:52:55.000 For wigs.

01:52:56.000 Hell yeah.

01:52:56.000 Nice little glue around the top, right around the hairline there.

01:52:59.000 Imagine what a pain in the ass that would be. 0.99

01:53:01.000 Did you see the photos of Mickey Rourke with a wig? 1.00

01:53:03.000 No.

01:53:04.000 Oh my god, it's so hilarious. 0.79

01:53:05.000 Mickey Rourke wears a hairpiece now, and it's the most ridiculous hairpiece of all time, and he was wearing it in New York, and they got these photos of him. 0.93

01:53:12.000 It's so crazy. 0.99

01:53:14.000 It's almost like, is he being silly? 0.99

01:53:16.000 Is he trolling? 0.94

01:53:17.000 But then you see him when he was on the Jimmy Kimmel show, he had the hairpiece quaffed, and it looked pretty good.

01:53:23.000 But it's...

01:53:24.000 It's crazy.

01:53:25.000 He's like 60-something years old. 1.00

01:53:27.000 Just shave your fucking head, man. 1.00

01:53:28.000 It would be funny to do a one-hour special. 1.00

01:53:30.000 Look at this.

01:53:31.000 Look at his head.

01:53:31.000 Oh, dear God.

01:53:33.000 Dear God.

01:53:34.000 It looks like a shower cap.

01:53:36.000 Yeah, and this is not even the worst photo.

01:53:38.000 There's even worse photos of it.

01:53:40.000 Dreaded.

01:53:41.000 It doesn't make any...

01:53:42.000 Because it's coming out of nowhere.

01:53:43.000 It's a wig.

01:53:44.000 And it doesn't match the hair that's underneath.

01:53:46.000 Well, it's always the side hair by their ears. 0.98

01:53:48.000 When you see little flimsy side hair by their ear, but then the top is this fucking lush mane, it doesn't make any sense. 0.98

01:53:56.000 I think for my next one hour special, I'm going to shave my head and get a silly wig and just wear it. 0.98

01:54:02.000 Why not? 0.95

01:54:03.000 Why not?

01:54:04.000 How about a big red one?

01:54:07.000 Like a big carrot top style?

01:54:08.000 What is that?

01:54:08.000 Is that a different wig?

01:54:10.000 That's a different one.

01:54:11.000 I think he's having fun.

01:54:13.000 Look at the guy in the right hand corner.

01:54:14.000 He's jealous.

01:54:15.000 It's like Mel Gibson.

01:54:16.000 I wish I had that wig.

01:54:17.000 That wig is beautiful, Mickey.

01:54:18.000 Let me tell you.

01:54:19.000 Mickey, God is my witness.

01:54:21.000 That wig looks so real.

01:54:23.000 That is so realistic.

01:54:24.000 No one knows. 1.00

01:54:25.000 If they tell you they know, they're fucking assholes. 1.00

01:54:28.000 Did you go to Irving in the Bronx? 1.00

01:54:29.000 Where did you get that piece?

01:54:30.000 My piece, I look like there's a skunk asleep on my head.

01:54:34.000 But there's other ones of the gray one.

01:54:35.000 That's the brown one. 0.52

01:54:36.000 He's got a gray one. 0.99

01:54:38.000 The gray one's the most ridiculous. 0.98

01:54:40.000 It's like, wait a minute, what's going on here? 0.98

01:54:42.000 How did you get all that gray hair?

01:54:43.000 Like, look at it.

01:54:44.000 That's a good one.

01:54:47.000 It's so crazy.

01:54:48.000 Plus, he's had work on his face, right?

01:54:50.000 His forehead got pumped up.

01:54:51.000 Maybe.

01:54:52.000 It looks better now than it looked in the past, quite honestly.

01:54:55.000 He used to have chin or cheek implants.

01:54:57.000 Yeah.

01:54:58.000 And when the fighter, you really saw it.

01:55:01.000 Oh yeah? 0.99

01:55:01.000 Yeah, his face was kind of fucked up. 0.99

01:55:03.000 Is that the movie with... 0.98

01:55:04.000 When he was a professional wrestler?

01:55:06.000 Like past his prime?

01:55:07.000 Oh, The Wrestler.

01:55:08.000 The Wrestler.

01:55:09.000 The Fighter was the Marky Mark movie.

01:55:11.000 Yeah, but that...

01:55:13.000 He actually...

01:55:13.000 His face looks at least like a normal older guy now.

01:55:16.000 There was one point in time where he had these crazy cheek implants put in his face.

01:55:20.000 Yeah.

01:55:21.000 His whole face was just puffy.

01:55:22.000 It looked like he got stung by bees.

01:55:24.000 Yeah, see if you can find those pictures.

01:55:25.000 Mickey Rourke cheek implants.

01:55:27.000 Yeah.

01:55:27.000 How many people watch this as they're listening to the podcast?

01:55:31.000 Less.

01:55:32.000 Way less.

01:55:33.000 Like, it's 90% of them just listen.

01:55:35.000 Right. 0.99

01:55:35.000 But a lot of times folks will say something like this, they'll write it down, and then they'll tweet me or something later, like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:55:42.000 I just saw Mickey Royce's hair. 0.99

01:55:44.000 Thanks a lot, Dick.

01:55:45.000 Now I can't sleep.

01:55:46.000 But...

01:55:48.000 I hear you guys talking about it, and I had a look.

01:55:52.000 That's something that happens to a lot of those people.

01:55:56.000 They're separated from rational thinking.

01:56:00.000 They get this body dysmorphia thing going on.

01:56:03.000 There's been pictures of him.

01:56:05.000 That's post-face...

01:56:08.000 Stretching.

01:56:09.000 Oh, man.

01:56:09.000 But there's ones, like that one that you just crossed over, Brian, the one with the red shirt, a little lower than that, that's, yeah, right there.

01:56:16.000 That looks like he's got the cheek implants in place.

01:56:19.000 Look how good looking he was when he was young.

01:56:21.000 You remember that?

01:56:22.000 What was it?

01:56:22.000 Pope of Greenwich Village?

01:56:23.000 Diner.

01:56:24.000 That was like nine and a half weeks ago.

01:56:25.000 Yeah.

01:56:26.000 Oh, man.

01:56:27.000 Yeah, you can't.

01:56:29.000 But that thing that happens when you pull your face back like that, you can't do that.

01:56:34.000 That's not better.

01:56:35.000 That's not better.

01:56:36.000 That's horrible.

01:56:36.000 Because everyone knows you did it.

01:56:38.000 You look like a burn victim. 0.94

01:56:39.000 You look weird.

01:56:40.000 You're shiny.

01:56:41.000 Your face is all stretched out.

01:56:43.000 And it shows that you care way too much.

01:56:45.000 It's not getting better.

01:56:47.000 It's just getting different.

01:56:49.000 It's like you're screaming, I can't handle that I'm getting older.

01:56:52.000 I'm panicking. 0.99

01:56:53.000 Like, there's some shit that you could do that actually does make you look better. 1.00

01:56:57.000 Like, I guess if you have a ridiculous nose and you get that bitch trimmed down and you're happy with it, good for you. 1.00

01:57:02.000 But that's a slippery slope, man. 1.00

01:57:04.000 You don't see big noses like you used to.

01:57:06.000 Very rare.

01:57:07.000 Nope.

01:57:07.000 Nobody keeps them.

01:57:09.000 They vanish.

01:57:09.000 Especially for gals.

01:57:10.000 A lot of 17th birthday presents.

01:57:12.000 Right. 0.98

01:57:14.000 When I was in high school, a girl did it, changed her fucking look so radically, but she kind of overdid it. 1.00

01:57:22.000 The poor girl was a beautiful girl with a crazy nose, and she got her crazy nose trimmed down, and she looked beautiful, but the nose had that ski slope thing going on. 1.00

01:57:33.000 And that little smashed front, there's a little bit of a flat part in the middle of it.

01:57:37.000 They went too hard.

01:57:38.000 They needed to just leave on just a millimeter more.

01:57:42.000 Let it be a little bit big.

01:57:43.000 A little bit.

01:57:44.000 Nothing wrong with that.

01:57:45.000 Yeah.

01:57:46.000 It matched her face better.

01:57:47.000 Yeah.

01:57:47.000 But it was like obvious that something was going on.

01:57:50.000 Like if you're looking at her face, you couldn't help but notice that something went on with her nose.

01:57:53.000 Yeah.

01:57:54.000 And then a lot of times those things collapse.

01:57:56.000 Like they don't do it.

01:57:57.000 Is that right?

01:57:58.000 And they have to build them back up. 0.99

01:57:59.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:57:59.000 And when they do that, then you can run into complications. 0.99

01:58:01.000 Yeah.

01:58:01.000 Sometimes they have to use a piece of your cartilage from your rib to recreate the cartilage inside your nose.

01:58:06.000 Yeah.

01:58:07.000 God, I wonder how many nose jobs. 0.98

01:58:09.000 You could find out there's got to be a number of nose jobs that are performed every year, and you could figure out what percentage of the population.

01:58:15.000 That's Bruce Jenner before he became a woman, though.

01:58:18.000 He's different now.

01:58:19.000 He grew up in my town, Bruce Jenner, Towery Town, New York.

01:58:22.000 He's got long nails now, long manicured nails.

01:58:25.000 No, there was some talk about him being pre-op that he might go for it.

01:58:28.000 It looks like he's going for it.

01:58:29.000 Yeah?

01:58:30.000 I mean, I don't like to gossip.

01:58:32.000 Yes, I do.

01:58:33.000 I don't like to gossip too much about someone that looks like they're troubled, but he looks like he's troubled.

01:58:39.000 It doesn't look like he's going for a look.

01:58:41.000 It looks like something's going on.

01:58:43.000 What's going on?

01:58:44.000 He's living with the Kardashians.

01:58:46.000 That's obviously terrible for you.

01:58:48.000 Yeah.

01:58:49.000 That's got to be toxic.

01:58:50.000 I'd rather live in Chernobyl than live...

01:58:53.000 In that house and try to keep my sanity.

01:58:55.000 With cameras on.

01:58:56.000 So you can't even be bitchy to them. 1.00

01:58:58.000 Yeah.

01:58:58.000 I think if I lived in Chernobyl, I could wear some sort of suit that would protect me.

01:59:03.000 There's not a suit that protects you from dopes. 1.00

01:59:06.000 Like, if you're in the house with those dummies. 0.96

01:59:08.000 Your skin would look better, too, if you lived in Chernobyl than his does. 0.98

01:59:11.000 But not only that, the strategy of just constantly seeking attention.

01:59:15.000 Like, there's, like, okay, that's weird.

01:59:18.000 Wow!

01:59:19.000 That's weird.

01:59:20.000 Is that photoshopped?

01:59:22.000 Nope.

01:59:22.000 No.

01:59:23.000 That's not just a guy who's kind of out of shape, who's older.

01:59:26.000 No, that's weird.

01:59:28.000 And there's another one recently where it shows his nails.

01:59:31.000 It shows he has long nails.

01:59:33.000 Also, no matter what you started with, once you've gotten the third facial surgery, it all ends at Michael Jackson.

01:59:41.000 It can.

01:59:41.000 He looks like Michael Jackson in that picture.

01:59:44.000 Well, body dysmorphia is real shit, man. 1.00

01:59:46.000 It's real shit. 1.00

01:59:48.000 There's his nails. 0.99

01:59:49.000 It's not that long, though.

01:59:50.000 Mine's about that long sometimes.

01:59:51.000 No, they're not.

01:59:51.000 Please.

01:59:52.000 Unless you're a pink. 0.96

01:59:53.000 No, I've seen them longer than that.

01:59:55.000 Yeah.

01:59:56.000 Either way, the guy looks like he's troubled.

01:59:59.000 There's a guy, you know, you think about famous people that are kind of enigmas. 0.73

02:00:04.000 Like, he didn't do anything except the 76 Olympics.

02:00:07.000 He won the decathlon.

02:00:08.000 He is a, you know, before the Kardashians, people in America knew Bruce Jenner.

02:00:13.000 He The only thing you did was a Wheaties box and the decathlon.

02:00:16.000 That's crazy. 0.99

02:00:17.000 That was fucking 40 years ago. 1.00

02:00:19.000 It is crazy. 0.99

02:00:20.000 Yeah, when you put it that way, yeah, you're right. 0.99

02:00:24.000 And then you got people that, like John Larroquette, he could walk into a fucking mall and nobody would know who the dude was. 0.98

02:00:29.000 It's true. 0.98

02:00:30.000 But the only reason why he's still famous is because of the Kardashians.

02:00:35.000 That's a fact.

02:00:36.000 But prior to that, he was in the national consciousness.

02:00:39.000 People who knew who Bruce Jenner was.

02:00:40.000 Maybe as a subject, maybe as a name, but not as someone you recognize.

02:00:46.000 I don't think you would recognize him.

02:00:47.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:00:48.000 I think his resurgence is entirely based on living with all these attention whores. 1.00

02:00:53.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:00:53.000 It's all about that. 0.98

02:00:54.000 The 70s had those kind of stars.

02:00:56.000 You had Evel Knievel, who, you know, there had never been a stuntman before.

02:01:00.000 That's true. 0.89

02:01:01.000 He was the first, he was like, you know, what Bob Marley is to reggae, like, he's the only reggae guy anybody ever gave a fuck about or ever will. 0.88

02:01:08.000 Jimmy Cliff.

02:01:09.000 Yeah, he was in the band, though.

02:01:11.000 That's true. 1.00

02:01:31.000 Was famous as shit. 1.00

02:01:32.000 Still famous. 1.00

02:01:33.000 People still know who Tiny Tim is.

02:01:35.000 That's true.

02:01:35.000 But that was Letterman, right?

02:01:37.000 Was it?

02:01:37.000 I think so.

02:01:38.000 Yeah.

02:01:38.000 I think being on the Letterman show.

02:01:39.000 I think they got married on the Letterman show, didn't they?

02:01:42.000 Like in Vegas, him and whatever her name was.

02:01:45.000 Miss something.

02:01:46.000 Wow.

02:01:47.000 Wow.

02:01:49.000 Yeah.

02:01:50.000 Hmm.

02:01:51.000 Interesting, man.

02:01:52.000 It's weird how fame, you can't predict who's going to last with fame.

02:01:57.000 You know, like, of the Charlie's Angels, you didn't know Farrah was going to, I guess you kind of knew Farrah was going to be the one.

02:02:04.000 Yeah, but you thought the other ones would be pretty big, too.

02:02:07.000 Yeah, Jacqueline Smith.

02:02:08.000 I mean, all she did was hair shampoo commercials for the rest of her life. 1.00

02:02:11.000 She was on as fuck. 1.00

02:02:12.000 Hot as fuck. 1.00

02:02:13.000 My kid is watching Charlie's Angels reruns right now. 1.00

02:02:17.000 I watched one yesterday.

02:02:18.000 Try pulling yourself away. 1.00

02:02:20.000 I could stare at those chicks all fucking day. 1.00

02:02:23.000 But it's also weird that you're... 0.99

02:02:25.000 It's kind of like...

02:02:26.000 When you watch a show like that, it's not just that, oh, you know, Jacqueline Smith's pretty. 0.83

02:02:30.000 But it's also like...

02:02:31.000 This is a time capsule. 0.99

02:02:46.000 Yeah, no shit, man. 0.99

02:02:48.000 You know, like denim vests and the feathered hair. 0.99

02:02:52.000 And they probably, in a big part, were one of the reasons why it became so popular, right?

02:02:58.000 Why the fashion did?

02:02:59.000 Yeah.

02:02:59.000 Oh, I'm sure.

02:03:00.000 Like, you see it on those shows.

02:03:01.000 I'm sure. 1.00

02:03:02.000 Like, I guarantee you that Dukes of Hazzard probably influenced a lot of idiots to wear cowboy boots. 1.00

02:03:06.000 Daisy Dukes. 1.00

02:03:07.000 Oh, Daisy Dukes.

02:03:09.000 For sure.

02:03:09.000 Without a doubt, right?

02:03:10.000 They launched that.

02:03:11.000 Dude, she might have been the hottest chick ever on TV. Ever. 1.00

02:03:15.000 Chrissy. 0.99

02:03:16.000 Who, Chrissy from fucking Three's Company? 1.00

02:03:18.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:03:19.000 Daisy Duke?

02:03:19.000 No.

02:03:20.000 How dare you?

02:03:20.000 Oh, I would take Chrissy over at Daisy Duke.

02:03:22.000 Because you're broken. 0.98

02:03:22.000 Because your insides are rotting. 0.98

02:03:24.000 You have to go to a doctor.

02:03:25.000 I keep telling you.

02:03:26.000 Go to a doctor.

02:03:27.000 Chrissy's hot, but she's not as hot as Daisy Duke. 0.99

02:03:30.000 You know who's pretty hot, even though she's older. 1.00

02:03:32.000 She's older, so you can't compare them. 1.00

02:03:34.000 Don't you go for an old pic of Catherine Bach, you fuck. 1.00

02:03:36.000 I know what you're going to do. 1.00

02:03:37.000 But, um, the chick from Modern Family?

02:03:40.000 The Latino woman? 0.90

02:03:41.000 Oh, she's ridiculously hot. 1.00

02:03:41.000 She's hot. 1.00

02:03:42.000 Older?

02:03:43.000 Dude, I'll take it.

02:03:44.000 Yeah.

02:03:44.000 She's only 40. I mean, but she looks like she's 30. And her tits still look like, I don't know, you can't fake it.

02:03:50.000 They have to just, it's something about cleavage. 1.00

02:03:52.000 You can push it up, but she doesn't push it up where it's straining. 1.00

02:03:55.000 Right.

02:03:55.000 There's a little bit of balance.

02:03:57.000 A little bit of bounce.

02:03:58.000 A little bit of bounce.

02:03:58.000 A little jiggle.

02:03:59.000 But yet there's pie.

02:04:01.000 They're pie shaped.

02:04:02.000 They're perfectly round. 1.00

02:04:03.000 She's stupid hot. 1.00

02:04:04.000 Tan. 1.00

02:04:04.000 And that accent puts it right over the top. 1.00

02:04:07.000 She's stupid hot. 1.00

02:04:07.000 And there's this element of knowing that this is not going to last. 1.00

02:04:12.000 Yeah.

02:04:12.000 Like what you are is you're looking at a flower that's been cut and you're putting it in the vase and there's just like something even extra beautiful about the fact that it's not even attached to the root anymore.

02:04:20.000 You've got a day to look at it like this.

02:04:22.000 Right.

02:04:22.000 This is it.

02:04:23.000 Tomorrow's going to be wilted.

02:04:25.000 The day after that, you're going to want to throw it out.

02:04:26.000 But right now...

02:04:27.000 She's the Hunter Thomas of hot. 0.99

02:04:28.000 Yeah.

02:04:29.000 Yeah.

02:04:30.000 Thompson.

02:04:31.000 What did I say?

02:04:32.000 Thomas.

02:04:32.000 Jesus Christ.

02:04:33.000 There you go.

02:04:34.000 Okay.

02:04:35.000 You know, both of them are hot.

02:04:36.000 Yeah.

02:04:36.000 But Daisy Duke's dirtier.

02:04:39.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:04:40.000 Chrissy's bending over like, fuck me in the asshole. 1.00

02:04:42.000 But I'll tell you what, who's done a better job of keeping it together? 1.00

02:04:45.000 Well, both of them kind of failed.

02:04:48.000 Oh, no!

02:04:49.000 Are you kidding me?

02:04:50.000 She did the exercise videos.

02:04:52.000 She kept it tight.

02:04:53.000 For a little bit.

02:04:54.000 Jacqueline Smith still doing his shampoo commercials.

02:04:57.000 That's not Jacqueline Smith, though.

02:04:59.000 That's Daisy Duke.

02:05:00.000 That's Catherine Bach.

02:05:01.000 God, she's hot. 1.00

02:05:02.000 Nobody worked out, though. 0.99

02:05:03.000 By the way, Farrah's nipples were permanently erect on that show. 1.00

02:05:07.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

02:05:07.000 They probably iced him up before every scene. 0.99

02:05:09.000 I bet they did.

02:05:10.000 I bet they did.

02:05:11.000 Because guys would get, like, pumped up.

02:05:12.000 Yeah.

02:05:13.000 Guys would do, like, push-ups and stuff before scenes to pump up their muscles.

02:05:15.000 Yeah.

02:05:16.000 I guarantee they did that.

02:05:18.000 Yeah, they went for it. 1.00

02:05:19.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:05:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:05:20.000 That was everything. 1.00

02:05:21.000 That was what you were selling.

02:05:22.000 If you were selling cars, would you leave them dirty or would you polish them?

02:05:26.000 You gotta polish the car.

02:05:27.000 You gotta polish the car.

02:05:28.000 You're selling cars. 0.99

02:05:29.000 You're selling tits. 1.00

02:05:29.000 What are you doing? 1.00

02:05:30.000 Get that ice cube out, honey. 1.00

02:05:31.000 Yeah.

02:05:31.000 Turn the headlights on.

02:05:32.000 This is how we sell.

02:05:33.000 They're not watching it for the story.

02:05:35.000 Nobody's watching it for the story.

02:05:37.000 When she died, man, that was one of those things where it's like, wow.

02:05:41.000 Wow.

02:05:42.000 Farrah Fawcett's dead.

02:05:44.000 That was just hard to wrap my head around.

02:05:46.000 Because when I was a kid, she was it.

02:05:48.000 Everybody had a Farrah Fawcett poster on their wall.

02:05:51.000 Every girl did.

02:05:52.000 And it was that one poster of her smiling and she had the feathered hair and everything like that.

02:05:57.000 She influenced a whole generation to wear that hair.

02:06:00.000 It's got to be the quintessential poster in America of all time.

02:06:05.000 Probably.

02:06:05.000 One of the most famous posters ever.

02:06:07.000 Yeah.

02:06:07.000 Yeah, that's it.

02:06:08.000 Right there.

02:06:08.000 Look at her.

02:06:09.000 Unreal. 0.98

02:06:10.000 And the nipple. 0.87

02:06:10.000 You can't see. 0.87

02:06:11.000 That's not high def, so you can't see the nipple, but the nipple is very proudly displayed in that poster.

02:06:16.000 Yeah, many of the photos had the nipple rocking.

02:06:19.000 She was so pretty.

02:06:20.000 Yeah.

02:06:21.000 She was like one of the first television bombshell types, right? 0.69

02:06:25.000 Yeah.

02:06:26.000 Yeah, I mean...

02:06:27.000 My favorite was...

02:06:28.000 You know what?

02:06:29.000 I take it back.

02:06:29.000 My favorite was Wonder Woman.

02:06:30.000 Old Wonder Woman.

02:06:31.000 Oh, Linda Carter.

02:06:32.000 Yeah.

02:06:33.000 Dude.

02:06:34.000 Linda Carter's tough to look at now. 1.00

02:06:36.000 Is she?

02:06:37.000 Yeah.

02:06:37.000 Not that she looks ugly.

02:06:38.000 Linda Carter was insane. 1.00

02:06:39.000 There you go. 0.95

02:06:40.000 Kapowza! 0.99

02:06:41.000 There it is.

02:06:41.000 Wowza!

02:06:42.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:06:43.000 Look at that nibble. 1.00

02:06:44.000 Yeah, Linda Carter. 0.72

02:06:45.000 I mean, she doesn't look terrible, but she's an older woman now.

02:06:48.000 It's just when you remember how beautiful she was when she was Wonder Woman. 0.97

02:06:51.000 I wish they would die. 0.95

02:06:53.000 No! 0.99

02:06:54.000 I don't want to see what they're doing.

02:06:55.000 It ruins it. 0.99

02:06:56.000 You know what's fucked, though, man? 0.95

02:06:58.000 It's weird when you go back and watch Batman or any of those old school superheroes. 0.96

02:07:03.000 No one worked out.

02:07:05.000 No.

02:07:06.000 No one worked out.

02:07:06.000 Adam West had a belly.

02:07:08.000 Yeah.

02:07:08.000 You look at Catherine Bach there.

02:07:09.000 She didn't work out. 0.99

02:07:10.000 Look at her legs. 1.00

02:07:11.000 It felt like all mushy and shit. 1.00

02:07:13.000 Everybody was all mushy and sloppy. 1.00

02:07:15.000 They were good for a couple decades.

02:07:17.000 John Wayne.

02:07:18.000 Look at that guy. 1.00

02:07:19.000 Beer belly and shit. 1.00

02:07:20.000 Shitting me? 1.00

02:07:21.000 With little skinny arms? 1.00

02:07:22.000 One to one.

02:07:23.000 Look at that. 0.98

02:07:23.000 Look at that butt. 0.98

02:07:24.000 Look at the gap. 0.99

02:07:25.000 Look at the vaginal gap. 1.00

02:07:27.000 Look at the legs. 0.95

02:07:27.000 The size of her thighs. 0.95

02:07:29.000 Dude, her fucking body. 1.00

02:07:30.000 That is an alpha. 1.00

02:07:31.000 She was an athlete.

02:07:32.000 She was an Olympic athlete, I believe.

02:07:34.000 Oh my god, she was hot. 1.00

02:07:36.000 What a face, those eyes.

02:07:37.000 Let's all agree, she's the hottest. 0.99

02:07:39.000 She is.

02:07:39.000 Yeah, I think she is the hottest.

02:07:40.000 Linda Carter was the hottest. 1.00

02:07:41.000 That's a booty. 1.00

02:07:42.000 Oh, wait a minute, we're forgetting a major contender.

02:07:46.000 Who?

02:07:47.000 Barbara Eden, I Dream of Jeannie.

02:07:49.000 She wins.

02:07:50.000 She wins.

02:07:51.000 She wins.

02:07:51.000 Yeah.

02:07:51.000 She wins.

02:07:52.000 And she's subservient. 0.98

02:07:54.000 She'll do what you want. 0.85

02:07:55.000 She was beautiful.

02:07:56.000 She was beautiful.

02:07:56.000 Yeah.

02:07:57.000 Yeah, there was a comic on Long Island that fucked her. 1.00

02:07:59.000 Yeah? 0.99

02:08:00.000 Yeah.

02:08:00.000 Late in life, though, right?

02:08:01.000 Late in life, but she was still hot. 0.99

02:08:02.000 But he can say he did it.

02:08:03.000 She was still hot, apparently. 1.00

02:08:04.000 Doesn't matter how old she was. 0.99

02:08:05.000 But she would, like, you know, fucking find a guy, pick him out, and go, come on. 1.00

02:08:09.000 Let's do this. 0.99

02:08:10.000 Yeah?

02:08:11.000 Yeah.

02:08:11.000 Well, she knew she could.

02:08:12.000 You know, she was goddamn Barbara Eaton. 1.00

02:08:14.000 I know somebody who had sex with Farrah late in life. 0.99

02:08:16.000 I should say allegedly.

02:08:17.000 Yes.

02:08:18.000 I know somebody who allegedly had...

02:08:19.000 No, I know somebody who definitely had sex with Farrah late in life. 0.93

02:08:22.000 Real late. 0.94

02:08:23.000 Hospital vet?

02:08:24.000 Like...

02:08:26.000 Actually, I should say Wonder Woman.

02:08:27.000 I don't think I like this girl as much.

02:08:28.000 That's a horrible pose.

02:08:30.000 Yeah, let's find another one.

02:08:32.000 Let's find another one.

02:08:33.000 Because Wonder Woman, you could find a bad one, too, I'm sure.

02:08:35.000 Oh, yeah.

02:08:35.000 But you found a good one.

02:08:37.000 You know who also turned me on, but she wasn't, like, a few years before she died?

02:08:41.000 Whoa.

02:08:42.000 Who was not bombshell hot, but stole my heart, was Valerie Bertinelli.

02:08:48.000 One day at a time.

02:08:48.000 I can't talk to you anymore.

02:08:50.000 Really?

02:08:50.000 Yeah, you've become a different person to me now.

02:08:52.000 No shit. 0.99

02:08:52.000 I don't trust your judgment. 0.99

02:08:53.000 Just like that?

02:08:54.000 I mean, because you did a moment ago.

02:08:56.000 Now I'm like, Greg's drunk.

02:08:59.000 Look at that back fat.

02:09:02.000 Come on, she married Eddie Van Halen.

02:09:03.000 How bad could she be?

02:09:04.000 That little tiny amount of back fat is like, ew.

02:09:06.000 Ew, she's not perfect.

02:09:08.000 Ew.

02:09:08.000 She's no Wonder Woman.

02:09:09.000 She didn't even work out, man. 1.00

02:09:10.000 They didn't work out back then.

02:09:11.000 There's got to be a better picture of her.

02:09:13.000 But Wonder Woman, I'm sure, had a little bit of... 1.00

02:09:14.000 I don't mind a little bit of body fat.

02:09:16.000 I think it's hot.

02:09:17.000 I like women to have a little softness to them. 1.00

02:09:20.000 I love Kim Kardashian!

02:09:22.000 I mean, I don't like her person or her soul, but I love that body type. 0.99

02:09:26.000 Yeah, her body's fantastic. 1.00

02:09:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:27.000 Whether her ass is fat or real, or is real fat, whatever it is. 1.00

02:09:32.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

02:09:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:33.000 Like, if you don't get excited about that, your dick's not working right. 1.00

02:09:36.000 No, you're a closeted homosexual if that's not working for you. 1.00

02:09:40.000 Oh, your dick's just sad. 1.00

02:09:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:42.000 His dick doesn't want full pleasure. 1.00

02:09:43.000 Your dick's like, no, I just want a skinny girl who cuts me with her hips. 1.00

02:09:47.000 Like a guy who buys a Prius when he wants a Mustang? 1.00

02:09:50.000 Huh?

02:09:50.000 Get a Mustang.

02:09:52.000 Or get this Challenger.

02:09:53.000 Now, if I'm going to do it, it's going to be the Mustang.

02:09:55.000 Why is that?

02:09:56.000 Because I had a fetish for Mustangs as a kid.

02:09:58.000 I still do.

02:09:59.000 And the fact that it's the 50th anniversary, it's pretty cool.

02:10:04.000 Well, the new one's going to have independent rear suspension, which is going to make a big difference in the way it handles.

02:10:08.000 That's the 2015s?

02:10:09.000 Yeah.

02:10:10.000 They'll be out pretty soon.

02:10:11.000 I think they're out in the fall, which is basically right here.

02:10:13.000 God, she was so hot. 0.82

02:10:15.000 Whoa! 0.71

02:10:15.000 Oh, she was so hot. 0.71

02:10:16.000 It's ridiculous. 0.89

02:10:18.000 Yeah, Linda Carter might have been the hottest woman of all time. 1.00

02:10:20.000 She might win.

02:10:21.000 She might win.

02:10:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:10:23.000 Ooh, bitch is hot. 1.00

02:10:24.000 Oh, wait a minute. 1.00

02:10:24.000 What's that? 1.00

02:10:25.000 Whoa! 1.00

02:10:26.000 Who the fuck is that? 1.00

02:10:26.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:10:27.000 Who is that?

02:10:27.000 Is that the one from Modern Family?

02:10:29.000 Modern Family Girl, yeah.

02:10:30.000 Oh, God.

02:10:30.000 She wins.

02:10:31.000 She wins now. 1.00

02:10:32.000 She wins.

02:10:33.000 Everybody wins. 1.00

02:10:38.000 There's women that are listening to this right now like, fuck you. 1.00

02:10:41.000 We talked about Jim Morrison being hot. 1.00

02:10:44.000 We talked about Joey Lawrence being hot.

02:10:47.000 Yeah, he was beautiful.

02:10:48.000 We did a lot for the ladies on this show. 1.00

02:10:50.000 Yeah, especially since we don't feel it.

02:10:51.000 We assume that he's hot.

02:10:53.000 I mean, I see how you would be attracted to him.

02:10:56.000 No, no, I totally felt your energy when he came on, so I understood that he was hot.

02:10:59.000 Right.

02:11:03.000 What about Janet Jackson, early 90s?

02:11:07.000 No.

02:11:07.000 Like Playboy cover, black and white?

02:11:08.000 I was never into that.

02:11:09.000 No.

02:11:10.000 I always found her to be so, like...

02:11:12.000 Needy.

02:11:13.000 A-racial. 0.97

02:11:14.000 I need a race.

02:11:15.000 Pick a race.

02:11:15.000 Well, I just...

02:11:17.000 When someone is like a pop superstar, when they're forcing them down your throat, they never seem sexy to me.

02:11:23.000 They always seem like, oh, here's this crazy person...

02:11:26.000 Right, like, what's her name?

02:11:30.000 Miley Cyrus.

02:11:31.000 Yeah, it's like, oh.

02:11:32.000 They want you to think she's hot now. 1.00

02:11:34.000 But you know who was? 0.99

02:11:35.000 Britney Spears was a child star and they forced her on and she was fucking hot. 1.00

02:11:40.000 Yeah, but she was hot in a way that, like, if I saw a bunch of peacocks and there was a female peacock that was an exceptional specimen, I was like, wow, that's a beautiful peacock. 1.00

02:11:50.000 Yeah.

02:11:50.000 It's like that.

02:11:51.000 It's like, to me, Hot, I mean, yes, physically, yeah, undeniable shape and all that, very beautiful, but...

02:11:58.000 Right.

02:11:59.000 No energy.

02:11:59.000 Nothing's pulling me towards that.

02:12:01.000 Everything's pushing me away from that.

02:12:03.000 Yeah, because she's damaged. 0.97

02:12:04.000 That's madness.

02:12:05.000 That's craziness.

02:12:06.000 Like, that has to be part of the picture.

02:12:08.000 It has to be...

02:12:09.000 Who is the person?

02:12:11.000 Can you interact with the person?

02:12:12.000 It can't just be the way they look.

02:12:14.000 The way they look is great.

02:12:15.000 I mean, it's important.

02:12:17.000 It's something.

02:12:18.000 It gives you a charge.

02:12:18.000 But if you know that their personality is all out of whack, you're like, ugh, this is too nice.

02:12:24.000 But I want them a little out of whack.

02:12:25.000 The thing that attracted me as an insecure guy when I was single was a woman. 0.99

02:12:31.000 I saw the in.

02:12:32.000 I saw the dad left.

02:12:35.000 Or, you know, she's got, like, a unibrow.

02:12:38.000 I would find that one thing and I'd be like, I got a shot.

02:12:41.000 That would make me so much more attracted.

02:12:43.000 If a girl was perfect, I felt nothing. 1.00

02:12:46.000 And it wasn't even that I didn't think I could get her.

02:12:48.000 It just made me feel like...

02:12:49.000 Too much work. 0.99

02:12:50.000 Well, also, like, somebody who's a little fucked up, you're gonna fucking connect with them. 0.99

02:12:54.000 There's gonna be a charge between you because you both need something bad to complete yourself. 0.99

02:12:59.000 That's a good point.

02:13:00.000 Yeah, I definitely felt that way.

02:13:01.000 Like, girls had, like, really good relationships with their family.

02:13:04.000 Like, meh.

02:13:04.000 Oh, I know!

02:13:06.000 Carol's like, you know, they want you to go hang out with their parents on the weekend.

02:13:09.000 Like, ugh, yeah, not really.

02:13:11.000 No.

02:13:12.000 Especially if you couldn't relate.

02:13:13.000 I want a girl who needs help finding her father. 0.57

02:13:15.000 Who's that?

02:13:16.000 Nicki Minaj's new video.

02:13:17.000 Did you see that? 0.99

02:13:17.000 Oh, this is the one that fucking Jamie keeps going on and on about. 0.99

02:13:20.000 He won't stop talking about it. 1.00

02:13:21.000 It's so much butt. 0.98

02:13:23.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:13:23.000 And it's like, there's parts where she's fingering herself in a video. 0.99

02:13:26.000 What a good kid. 1.00

02:13:27.000 I love that my kids see this shit. 1.00

02:13:30.000 Whoa, her ass is ridiculous. 1.00

02:13:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:13:32.000 They're all ass. 1.00

02:13:33.000 Everybody's got ass. 1.00

02:13:34.000 If you look at Miley Cyrus' Twitter avatar, she put her own version of her album cover on it, and it looks like she has a great ass, too. 1.00

02:13:44.000 But that's an illusion. 0.99

02:13:45.000 They photoshopped the shit out of that. 0.99

02:13:46.000 That girl weighs 18 pounds. 1.00

02:13:48.000 She's a little stick figure. 0.99

02:13:49.000 Yeah.

02:13:49.000 She's very boy-like with her body.

02:13:51.000 When that thing came out in the video music awards and she danced around and rubbed up against that guy, you can see she's very guy-like.

02:13:58.000 Or skinny.

02:13:59.000 She's a skinny girl. 1.00

02:14:00.000 She's athletic.

02:14:01.000 It's not supple.

02:14:03.000 Yes. 1.00

02:14:03.000 That girl is just a fuckhouse. 1.00

02:14:08.000 You look at her and you're like, whoa. 1.00

02:14:13.000 I mean, that's just fucking just cum. 1.00

02:14:17.000 That's just cum. 1.00

02:14:18.000 She's backed up like a camel. 0.99

02:14:20.000 Yeah.

02:14:20.000 All the lows have been shot anywhere.

02:14:22.000 Yeah.

02:14:23.000 Flumped it up.

02:14:25.000 It's cocked. 0.99

02:14:26.000 She's all sex. 1.00

02:14:27.000 It's all sex. 1.00

02:14:28.000 Her ass has been cocked with cum. 1.00

02:14:29.000 Yeah, like some girls, they have to do something to look sexy. 1.00

02:14:34.000 When a girl's built like that, it's like, Jesus. 1.00

02:14:36.000 And then on top of that, she's doing all the sexy shit, sticking her ass up in the air. 1.00

02:14:39.000 But Jennifer Lopez was like that in her prime. 1.00

02:14:42.000 Isn't it amazing, though, when we're talking about John Wayne and Batman and all that shit, the difference between how the women are portrayed... 1.00

02:14:50.000 The difference between how singers are portrayed, the music videos, the photographs, all that stuff, and then go back and think about, like, Carly Simon. 0.95

02:14:59.000 Yeah.

02:15:00.000 There was none of that.

02:15:01.000 Carole King and...

02:15:02.000 Janis Joplin.

02:15:03.000 I mean, Janis Joplin wasn't the most attractive woman in the world, but she was funny, man.

02:15:07.000 She, like, didn't like women. 1.00

02:15:08.000 Like, there was an interview with Janis Joplin.

02:15:10.000 Is that her?

02:15:10.000 Miley Cyrus?

02:15:11.000 This is Miley Cyrus' version of this cover.

02:15:14.000 Listen, man.

02:15:15.000 That's Photoshop. 1.00

02:15:16.000 That's not her ass. 1.00

02:15:18.000 Yeah, that shit ain't real. 1.00

02:15:19.000 I think that's like a meme. 0.99

02:15:20.000 No, that is real.

02:15:21.000 No, Nicki Minaj is real.

02:15:23.000 But that's not real.

02:15:24.000 No, that's obviously... 1.00

02:15:25.000 The same ass. 1.00

02:15:26.000 Yeah, it's exactly the same. 1.00

02:15:27.000 It's in Photoshop.

02:15:28.000 Yeah, look.

02:15:29.000 Exactly.

02:15:30.000 See the crease on the top of the thigh is exactly the same, the top left thigh?

02:15:34.000 Don't ever go to that other one again.

02:15:35.000 This is like a cartoon.

02:15:37.000 You show me a cartoon.

02:15:38.000 What were we talking about? 1.00

02:15:39.000 About her ass, about how... 1.00

02:15:41.000 For some women, almost it's like they've extracted the blueprint in the DNA of men of what makes us orgasm, and they have just projected it on a body. 0.99

02:15:50.000 No, what I was saying was that you never saw this from artists in the 70s.

02:15:54.000 Right.

02:15:55.000 You never saw this from women that were super attractive. 1.00

02:15:58.000 Like Linda Ronstadt.

02:16:00.000 Beautiful, beautiful woman.

02:16:02.000 When she was young and in her prime...

02:16:03.000 You never saw her in underwear.

02:16:05.000 Well, even Nikki Fleetwood Mac.

02:16:09.000 Oh.

02:16:09.000 Stevie Nicks.

02:16:10.000 She was big.

02:16:11.000 She was like the chick from Heart.

02:16:13.000 What?

02:16:13.000 I didn't think she was big.

02:16:15.000 Didn't she get big? 0.70

02:16:15.000 I think she got big, but no. 0.70

02:16:17.000 When they were in their prime, she was angelic, but she was wearing flowing shit. 0.99

02:16:22.000 She was never showing her body. 0.99

02:16:23.000 Was a woman from Heart big in the beginning, or did she get big? 1.00

02:16:26.000 Ann Wilson.

02:16:27.000 She started small, and then she got bigger.

02:16:29.000 There's Ann and Nancy Wilson.

02:16:30.000 One of them married...

02:16:32.000 The famous director.

02:16:34.000 The guy who did Dazed and Confused.

02:16:38.000 Who's that?

02:16:38.000 I don't remember.

02:16:39.000 That's the blonde one. 1.00

02:16:41.000 The blonde one, yeah. 0.90

02:16:43.000 Yeah.

02:16:44.000 But she... 1.00

02:16:45.000 Ann Wilson could sing her fucking ass. 1.00

02:16:47.000 Hell yeah. 1.00

02:16:48.000 Right.

02:16:48.000 No, Carney Wilson was a different one.

02:16:49.000 That was Wilson Phillips.

02:16:51.000 That was a different animal.

02:16:52.000 Totally different animal.

02:16:53.000 She got big, too.

02:16:54.000 She looked like a Carney. 1.00

02:16:55.000 Yeah.

02:16:55.000 It was like Carney had...

02:16:56.000 Her sister was super skinny, and she was really big, and it was baffling.

02:17:01.000 Didn't she do a talk show for a while? 0.99

02:17:02.000 Mm-hmm.

02:17:03.000 Well, I think she was, wasn't she the daughter of the mamas and the papas?

02:17:06.000 Yes.

02:17:07.000 Can't be a good time.

02:17:08.000 No.

02:17:09.000 Can't be a good time. 1.00

02:17:10.000 Growing up in that fucking crazy household. 1.00

02:17:12.000 No. 1.00

02:17:12.000 But that fucking Ann Wilson from Hart. 1.00

02:17:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:17:17.000 What a voice.

02:17:18.000 She lost all that weight.

02:17:20.000 Good for her.

02:17:20.000 That's what happened, right?

02:17:21.000 She lost all the weight and then she did a talk show or something like that? 0.94

02:17:23.000 Yeah.

02:17:24.000 Is that Nancy or Ann?

02:17:25.000 That's the big one.

02:17:27.000 Kearney.

02:17:27.000 Oh, that's Kearney.

02:17:28.000 Oh, okay.

02:17:29.000 Yeah.

02:17:30.000 Good for her.

02:17:30.000 Did she have to get like a stomach thing?

02:17:32.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:17:34.000 That's a weird thing, man.

02:17:36.000 You know, I was talking to a friend who had that done.

02:17:39.000 She had it done like 20 years ago.

02:17:42.000 And she was saying that it's not just that.

02:17:45.000 Like that does make you lose weight.

02:17:47.000 She goes, but to keep it off, like you got to go to counseling.

02:17:49.000 Like whatever it is that made you overeat like that, you got to address that.

02:17:53.000 You got to get on top of that.

02:17:55.000 I know a guy who's been drinking hard his whole life.

02:17:57.000 He just went to get a shot to stop drinking.

02:18:00.000 It's like, you know, that may make you averse to alcohol.

02:18:03.000 Your body's going to go find something else.

02:18:05.000 You've got to deal with why you're drinking.

02:18:07.000 A shot to stop drinking?

02:18:09.000 Yeah.

02:18:09.000 I didn't even know they had that.

02:18:10.000 What does it do to you?

02:18:11.000 All I know is he said he was going to his appointment to get it.

02:18:14.000 Famous guy.

02:18:15.000 Is it like peppermint snot?

02:18:17.000 I should start saying these famous names.

02:18:19.000 Should start or shouldn't?

02:18:20.000 Yeah, I should start saying all these names.

02:18:23.000 Would you want anybody saying your story?

02:18:26.000 In this case, no, probably right?

02:18:28.000 I'm the opposite of a name dropper.

02:18:30.000 That's a sad thing, man. 1.00

02:18:31.000 That's a sad thing, that fucking monster that eats at your soul that you can't let go that's killing you. 1.00

02:18:36.000 And the longer you do it, the harder it gets because the more you think that it's really part of you, you know? 0.99

02:18:42.000 And quitting something, I can tell you firsthand, it's the most freeing, empowering thing in the world because you think this thing that was sapping your energy that you believe was built in your foundation, you get freed of it and you all of a sudden, like, you take a giant chunk of low self-esteem and just lop it off.

02:18:58.000 Yeah, I've met a bunch of dudes that used to be junkies and now are like super hyper athletes.

02:19:04.000 Yeah.

02:19:04.000 Like a lot of competitive guys like in the UFC even.

02:19:07.000 There's a few guys in the UFC that were junkies and then they became like Matt Brown, one of the top welterweight contenders.

02:19:13.000 Part of his whole story is he died. 0.98

02:19:15.000 He had an overdose and fucking died and came back from it. 1.00

02:19:18.000 No shit. 1.00

02:19:19.000 They revived him and now he's a monster. 1.00

02:19:20.000 Wow.

02:19:20.000 He just destroys people.

02:19:22.000 He's like one of the top guys in the world.

02:19:24.000 Alice Cooper's like a pro golfer now.

02:19:25.000 Is he really?

02:19:27.000 He plays that good?

02:19:28.000 Yeah.

02:19:28.000 Wow.

02:19:29.000 He doesn't live in Arizona?

02:19:30.000 Arizona.

02:19:31.000 He plays at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix.

02:19:33.000 There's a famous chorus there he plays.

02:19:35.000 That's hilarious.

02:19:36.000 What does he do with his time?

02:19:37.000 Just plays golf? 0.98

02:19:38.000 I did a benefit there with Gary Valentine, and he came out and he played School's Out for Summer and 18, all his hit songs with the full makeup on, the whole thing, in this fucking, for a charity, for like 200 people! 0.98

02:19:55.000 Did it full on. 0.97

02:19:56.000 Gave 100%.

02:19:58.000 Wow.

02:19:59.000 And then hung out and talked to people afterwards and then played in the golf tournament all weekend.

02:20:03.000 Took off his makeup though.

02:20:04.000 Yeah.

02:20:06.000 He's like a conservative, isn't he?

02:20:08.000 Yes.

02:20:09.000 Isn't that interesting?

02:20:10.000 Well, I don't think you could live in that part of the world if you weren't.

02:20:13.000 You can't.

02:20:13.000 Yeah.

02:20:14.000 Scottsdale, like that Phoenix, Scottsdale era.

02:20:16.000 Yeah, that's hardcore.

02:20:17.000 Cocaine and conservatism.

02:20:18.000 Sheriff Joe.

02:20:19.000 Yeah, that's Joe Arpaio's.

02:20:21.000 Yeah, that's like fear of Mexicans and then cocaine all mixed up together.

02:20:26.000 And sunscreen.

02:20:28.000 So you get the cocaine from the Mexican and then you get afraid of them. 1.00

02:20:31.000 And then you get sunscreen just fucking seeping those chemicals into your skin in some sort of a weird way. 0.98

02:20:36.000 Then you take a Xanax. 0.98

02:20:38.000 Lay by the pool. 1.00

02:20:40.000 Whack those fucking balls around the grass that should not be there, by the way. 1.00

02:20:44.000 Especially in a place that has a massive drought. 1.00

02:20:46.000 Right, right.

02:20:48.000 Massive drought. 0.99

02:20:49.000 There's no fucking water, and you're talking about a three square mile piece of real estate. 0.99

02:20:52.000 You're just constantly watering it. 0.99

02:20:54.000 So that a hundred people can entertain themselves for four hours.

02:20:58.000 Yeah, when people go like, why does a golf course cost $250 million a year run?

02:21:03.000 It does.

02:21:04.000 I mean, not that much, but if you get a membership in a prime country club, you have to pay like $100,000, $200,000 for some of those places.

02:21:12.000 They don't want any riffraff. 1.00

02:21:13.000 They want to make sure you've got some money.

02:21:14.000 And what they do is, the reason they can afford it is because they call it undeveloped parkland.

02:21:20.000 And so the environmental standards call for them in every city.

02:21:23.000 And so they're able to get a full write-off because they call it basically like wild land.

02:21:29.000 What?

02:21:29.000 Yep.

02:21:30.000 Meanwhile, they're seeping fertilizer and chemicals into the groundwater every day.

02:21:36.000 I can't believe that's how they call it.

02:21:39.000 Undeveloped parkland.

02:21:41.000 It's just white people paradise. 1.00

02:21:42.000 That's all it is.

02:21:43.000 Yeah, and when they buy these big memberships, there's like a bond.

02:21:47.000 Donald Trump's got courses where I bet you it's like a million dollars, and it's a bond, but you're splitting ownership of the club with the other maybe 200 members.

02:21:58.000 So maybe it's not a million, half a million.

02:22:00.000 But then you can sell that bond when you leave, and it could be worth more money.

02:22:04.000 That's hilarious.

02:22:05.000 But it keeps the club from ever being sold because think about it. 0.99

02:22:07.000 Riviera Country Club in fucking Brentwood. 0.97

02:22:10.000 Do you know how much money you would make in condos if you put condos on that land? 0.99

02:22:15.000 And instead you got a hundred white guys playing golf there one day?

02:22:20.000 Do the math on that. 1.00

02:22:22.000 Yeah, no shit, right? 0.99

02:22:23.000 There's this one place that I was in the History Channel office. 0.99

02:22:27.000 I was talking to them about a show and I was looking out the window at this country club.

02:22:30.000 So it must be Beverly Hills.

02:22:31.000 Is there a Beverly Hills country club?

02:22:33.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:22:35.000 There's like two on the west side that are primo.

02:22:37.000 It's the most ridiculous thing ever because you're looking at hundreds of acres in the prime of Beverly Hills.

02:22:44.000 When you're looking out this window and you're like, how much is that worth? 0.86

02:22:47.000 Like that spot right out there might be worth billions.

02:22:51.000 Might be worth a couple billion dollars.

02:22:53.000 If you think about it, one green is 5,000 square feet.

02:22:58.000 That's enough to put a house.

02:22:59.000 You know what the land with a tear-down house in Beverly Hills is $1.5 million.

02:23:06.000 Times that by a green, there's maybe that amount of space for 20 of those on a hole.

02:23:13.000 That's $20 million a hole.

02:23:14.000 Times 18 holes.

02:23:16.000 That's like a half a billion dollars.

02:23:18.000 Oh my god.

02:23:20.000 And it's right there.

02:23:21.000 It's right there.

02:23:46.000 I'll pull it up.

02:23:48.000 Ban golf courses.

02:23:50.000 I bet it comes up.

02:23:51.000 There's some statistic about what the amount of...

02:23:55.000 Just in California alone, California and Florida are the number one spots for golf courses.

02:24:01.000 And Arizona.

02:24:01.000 Arizona's right there, too.

02:24:06.000 China has a golf course ban.

02:24:09.000 I saw an article about how many of those courses, because they overexpanded.

02:24:14.000 When Tiger Woods came along, golf got so big, they were building courses everywhere.

02:24:20.000 And then when he got caught with the Waffle House waitress, it all went away, and there are hundreds of courses around the country, and they just showed photos.

02:24:28.000 Weeds, chest-high weeds growing all over the entire course.

02:24:32.000 They're just abandoned.

02:24:33.000 Wow.

02:24:34.000 It is a Vice article.

02:24:36.000 Instead of killing lawns, we should be banning golf because they're telling people not to water their lawn.

02:24:41.000 Yeah, it's Vice.

02:24:42.000 Yeah, this is what they're saying. 0.99

02:24:43.000 This is the statistics because it's pretty fucking crazy. 0.88

02:24:47.000 The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water. 0.93

02:24:53.000 How often?

02:24:54.000 A day?

02:24:54.000 It doesn't say.

02:24:55.000 Hold on.

02:24:55.000 Family of four...

02:24:56.000 Okay, the average American family of four uses...

02:24:58.000 Oh, per day.

02:24:59.000 Ready for this?

02:25:00.000 Yeah, per day.

02:25:01.000 The average American family of four uses 400 gallons of water a day.

02:25:06.000 The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water a day. 1.00

02:25:12.000 Damn. 0.99

02:25:13.000 Okay, so each golf course uses as much water as 780 families of four. 0.99

02:25:19.000 In Palm Springs, immediately adjacent to a place called the Palm Desert, NPR reported that each of the city's 57 courses uses about a million gallons a day.

02:25:31.000 A million gallons a day.

02:25:33.000 And again, you go back to the numbers of people that are actually using it.

02:25:36.000 Yeah, it's insane.

02:25:37.000 It's minute.

02:25:39.000 So it's the same amount of water as 2,500 families of four.

02:25:46.000 Every one in Palm Springs.

02:25:48.000 Because Palm Springs is not a spring. 1.00

02:25:50.000 It's a fucking desert. 1.00

02:25:51.000 It's got to get the water from California or from the Colorado River. 1.00

02:25:54.000 We steal it from them.

02:25:55.000 And that's the reason why that whole Salton Sea exists.

02:25:59.000 You know the Salton Sea, which is this gigantic inland sea that is in the areas near the Palm Desert?

02:26:06.000 Why is it a sea?

02:26:07.000 Well, that's what's crazy. 0.92

02:26:08.000 It was a sea because they flooded the area with the Colorado River back in the 50s or some shit like that. 0.98

02:26:14.000 I think? 0.92

02:26:34.000 Like, it was beautiful.

02:26:35.000 Yeah.

02:26:35.000 Like, pull up the Salton Sea, the Inland Riviera.

02:26:39.000 There's some videos on it.

02:26:40.000 Where did you say Nevada?

02:26:41.000 No, no.

02:26:42.000 It's California.

02:26:43.000 Oh.

02:26:43.000 Dude, it's a huge Inland Sea.

02:26:45.000 It's enormous.

02:26:46.000 Wow. 0.99

02:26:47.000 And if you saw it, you'd be like, what the fuck is this doing here? 0.99

02:26:50.000 Oh, so that's all that farm country up there. 0.99

02:26:51.000 So it's all just draining in from- It's all coming down to Palm Springs. 0.98

02:26:55.000 And it's so fucked up that there's beaches on the Salton Sea that are all bones. 0.98

02:27:00.000 It's not sand. 0.99

02:27:02.000 It's fish bones.

02:27:03.000 Wow.

02:27:03.000 Well, they have these die-offs.

02:27:05.000 These fish die-offs of like a million fish will die off.

02:27:08.000 I mean, this is what it looks like now.

02:27:09.000 But look at it.

02:27:10.000 This is the Salton Sea.

02:27:11.000 This is an inland lake.

02:27:13.000 They created that.

02:27:14.000 It's huge.

02:27:15.000 Yeah, let it play a little bit.

02:27:16.000 Like this.

02:27:17.000 Look at this.

02:27:20.000 I like the music.

02:27:21.000 It's called the Salton Sea.

02:27:23.000 It's the largest body of water in California.

02:27:26.000 And it's not even supposed to be there.

02:27:30.000 At the turn of the last century, an engineering screw-up of epic proportions diverted the Colorado River into one of the lowest, hottest land basins in the United States.

02:27:39.000 It took two years to stem the tide, and when the flooding finally stopped, 350 square miles of desert lay underwater.

02:27:47.000 Everyone assumed the giant inland sea they had created by accident would just dry up, but when it didn't, real estate developers tried to turn an ecological disaster into an opportunity.

02:28:01.000 Here is truly a miracle in the desert.

02:28:03.000 A whole new outlet for the crowded millions in big cities.

02:28:07.000 A palm springs with water.

02:28:09.000 I love guys back then.

02:28:10.000 He's in a boat and he's got a suit and tie on.

02:28:12.000 Today, the Salton Riviera, beside the blue Salton Sea, is the place for you to take charge of your future.

02:28:19.000 You can come as you are.

02:28:21.000 They call these fish.

02:28:22.000 Enjoy life at the Riviera.

02:28:29.000 For a while, it really did seem like a miracle.

02:28:32.000 Tourists flocked to a place that had once been an unforgiving desert.

02:28:36.000 People bought homes, built schools, restaurants, yacht clubs.

02:28:42.000 But then the sea turned on them.

02:28:52.000 Look at that.

02:28:54.000 Look at that.

02:28:58.000 Wow.

02:29:04.000 Boom towns turned into ghost towns.

02:29:07.000 Millions of dead fish.

02:29:09.000 Can you imagine the smell?

02:29:11.000 Unbelievable smell.

02:29:16.000 Wow.

02:29:31.000 It's apocalyptic.

02:29:34.000 Where's the Riviera?

02:29:35.000 France?

02:29:36.000 It really is.

02:29:38.000 This is what our country is going to look like in a hundred years.

02:29:44.000 I just read an article about it today.

02:29:47.000 They're predicting in the next hundred years this galactic drought coming.

02:29:52.000 Really?

02:29:52.000 Yeah.

02:29:53.000 This drought that's in California is so bad that they're saying that can trigger earthquakes. 0.99

02:29:57.000 Oh, no shit. 0.99

02:29:58.000 A drought can trigger earthquakes? 1.00

02:29:59.000 Yeah, check this out.

02:30:00.000 Sell, sell, sell.

02:30:02.000 If California's drought weren't scary enough, now it may trigger earthquakes, scientists believe.

02:30:06.000 Well, the drought is spooky.

02:30:08.000 It's been three years.

02:30:09.000 Last year it rained once. 1.00

02:30:11.000 No shit! 0.99

02:30:12.000 I don't remember it raining more than once. 0.99

02:30:13.000 I mean, it might have drizzled a couple of days.

02:30:15.000 And we're supposed to have an El Nino coming through this year, and now they're saying it's going to be a very light version of it.

02:30:19.000 We needed a full El Nino.

02:30:21.000 Well, we need like a year of rain.

02:30:23.000 Right.

02:30:23.000 We need like a Seattle year.

02:30:25.000 Well, that last El Nino was like that.

02:30:27.000 Were you here out here in like, was it 98?

02:30:31.000 No.

02:30:31.000 Oh, I'm sorry.

02:30:32.000 No, no, no.

02:30:33.000 No, it was like 97. And it fucking rained every day for like four months. 0.98

02:30:41.000 Well, what scares me is there's spots like Death Valley that's like right there. 0.98

02:30:46.000 It's on the same state.

02:30:48.000 It's right there.

02:30:49.000 What makes Death Valley Death Valley?

02:30:51.000 I don't understand it.

02:30:52.000 I'm not a geoengineer.

02:30:55.000 I don't understand the weather patterns.

02:30:58.000 But it's the hottest place in the world.

02:31:00.000 Right.

02:31:00.000 And it's right there.

02:31:01.000 Yeah.

02:31:02.000 Why is it right there?

02:31:03.000 And why are we not worried that right there could be right here? 0.99

02:31:05.000 If that shit creeps up north, what keeps it from? 0.99

02:31:08.000 Is it the ocean? 1.00

02:31:09.000 I don't understand it.

02:31:10.000 What is it that keeps...

02:31:11.000 Well, there's a lot of spots.

02:31:12.000 How about Ontario? 0.98

02:31:14.000 Could that be fucking Death Valley someday? 0.99

02:31:16.000 What about Brea? 0.99

02:31:17.000 It's pretty goddamn far from the ocean. 0.78

02:31:19.000 Can that turn into some horrible wasteland? 0.86

02:31:21.000 You're just worried about all your gigs.

02:31:22.000 Exactly.

02:31:24.000 Brea, Ontario, the improvs.

02:31:26.000 What about Pasadena?

02:31:27.000 So far.

02:31:28.000 Isn't it possible?

02:31:30.000 Yeah.

02:31:30.000 I mean, it seems to me that...

02:31:31.000 Did you see Chinatown?

02:31:32.000 That movie Chinatown?

02:31:34.000 With Mickey Rourke?

02:31:35.000 No, the original one with Jack Nicholson.

02:31:36.000 Oh, Jack Nicholson.

02:31:37.000 Yeah, I mean, it's just basically about how that's exactly it.

02:31:39.000 L.A. is a dust bowl, and it's one river coming down.

02:31:44.000 If you cut it off, it all goes away.

02:31:46.000 I don't remember that movie we were watching except for the fact that he got his nose cut.

02:31:49.000 I remember that.

02:31:49.000 Well, it's the movie that most screenwriters call the greatest script ever.

02:31:54.000 Wow.

02:31:55.000 My house is in that movie.

02:31:57.000 Your house is in that movie?

02:31:58.000 Really?

02:31:58.000 Yeah, it's cool.

02:31:59.000 It freaked me out when I watched it.

02:32:01.000 Oh, it was in Burbank?

02:32:02.000 Yeah.

02:32:02.000 The old Burbank.

02:32:03.000 Burbank was a different animal.

02:32:05.000 You ever go to Jerry's Deli in Woodland Hills and you see what the valley used to look like back in the day?

02:32:09.000 Oh, yeah. 0.98

02:32:09.000 You have all these 1920 photos and shit. 0.98

02:32:12.000 Yeah. 0.95

02:32:12.000 It's big photos of like... 0.95

02:32:13.000 It's all farmland and ranches.

02:32:15.000 Farms!

02:32:15.000 Ranches!

02:32:17.000 There's a real issue here and in Texas.

02:32:20.000 They're really worried about it in Texas, too, with drought. 0.97

02:32:23.000 There's been no fucking rain, and they don't know what's going to happen. 0.90

02:32:26.000 If it continues on this path, there are lakes, not Lake Austin, but Lake Travis in Austin, that is half the size that it used to be. 0.98

02:32:35.000 There's some photos of California lakes that show...

02:32:38.000 See if you can find that.

02:32:39.000 Photos of California lakes that show how bad the drought is.

02:32:42.000 Just Google that.

02:32:43.000 I'm surprised it's not worse. 0.99

02:32:45.000 We were just up in Yosemite, and we went rafting, and there was plenty of fucking water. 0.96

02:32:50.000 Yeah, that's a good spot. 0.98

02:32:51.000 If you go to the good spots, you're going to be all right.

02:32:54.000 That's why I'm going to go to Canada, actually, September 9th through 11th at the Alberta...

02:33:03.000 I'm plugging my dates.

02:33:04.000 Well, where is it?

02:33:05.000 Where are you going?

02:33:06.000 Alberta, Edmonton.

02:33:07.000 What's the name of the club up there?

02:33:09.000 Look at the photos.

02:33:09.000 Left and right.

02:33:10.000 Look at left and right.

02:33:12.000 September 9th through 11th.

02:33:14.000 This is only a three years difference, if I remember correctly.

02:33:17.000 Yeah, it is three years difference. 0.99

02:33:18.000 Holy shit! 0.99

02:33:21.000 Look at what it looks like now. 0.99

02:33:23.000 I mean, climactic change is supposed to happen over thousands of years, not five.

02:33:26.000 I don't know about that.

02:33:27.000 I don't know if that's necessarily true.

02:33:29.000 Because there have been some radical climactic changes that have happened throughout history that have happened almost instantaneously.

02:33:34.000 There was some Discovery Channel show that was talking about these various land masses, these various contours or weird...

02:33:46.000 Yeah.

02:33:56.000 Yeah.

02:34:10.000 I think like the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico was a giant tsunami that settled on top of the land and slowly just fucking dribbled down for thousands of years.

02:34:20.000 Yeah.

02:34:21.000 Until what was left is, you know, what's now very lush and beautiful.

02:34:27.000 But it was underground for... 0.97

02:34:28.000 All in one fucking day, it went underwater. 0.99

02:34:31.000 Wow. 1.00

02:34:31.000 That's fucking nuts. 1.00

02:34:32.000 But that happens. 1.00

02:34:33.000 It's just...

02:34:34.000 We have such a limited amount of time that we're referring to or that we're referencing when we're looking at climate change.

02:34:40.000 We're only looking at a couple of hundred years of accurate reporting.

02:34:44.000 You get past then and it's just hearsay.

02:34:46.000 And all those things that are in the past...

02:34:49.000 That people point to, like the stories of climactic change and cataclysmic disasters, those were all regional events that happened in some place where someone wrote about it.

02:34:59.000 Mount Vesuvia.

02:35:00.000 Yeah, well there's that, but there's also like the Epic of Gilgamesh, you want to go way back. 0.86

02:35:04.000 Which is the same essential story in a lot of ways as the Noah's Ark story, where there's some giant goddamn flood. 0.97

02:35:11.000 You know, there's some shit happens in your area. 0.99

02:35:13.000 A fucking big chunk of rock from space slams into the ocean near your town, and everybody dies. 1.00

02:35:18.000 Everybody within 100 miles is dead. 0.97

02:35:20.000 And then someone writes about, that's the thing about the Bible, most religions are based on these, like, the last book of the Bible, the book of Revelations, was written at the exact same time that Mount Vesuvius happened. 0.95

02:35:32.000 And when they talk about fire and brimstone, that's what the guy was fucking looking at as he wrote it.

02:35:38.000 So it got written in as, like, this is how the world ends. 0.99

02:35:42.000 It's nuts.

02:35:43.000 So the Bible, apparently...

02:35:45.000 Well, you know, they're all based on...

02:35:47.000 It's not how the world ends.

02:35:48.000 It's how the world ends there.

02:35:50.000 If you go to Hawaii, everybody's fine.

02:35:51.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:35:52.000 It's like everybody reports on how fucked it is where they are. 0.99

02:35:55.000 But it's supposed... 0.99

02:35:56.000 Because you're not supposed to stay. 0.57

02:35:58.000 Like, we get totally married to the idea of one geographic location, but if anybody's paying any attention to fucking history, what we know about North America is that 10,000 years ago, half of it was under a mile-high sheet of ice. 0.77

02:36:09.000 There was no Wisconsin. 0.81

02:36:11.000 Wisconsin didn't exist. 0.99

02:36:13.000 You had to cut through the fucking mile of ice to get to Minneapolis. 0.99

02:36:17.000 I mean, you couldn't get to it. 0.98

02:36:19.000 It wasn't there.

02:36:20.000 So this idea that that could be a place, my family farm's always been here, we've been here since we were kids, and we're just not moving.

02:36:27.000 Climate change, be gone.

02:36:29.000 So you're talking about when we were a nomadic civilization and just moved to where the weather was right.

02:36:34.000 That's what people did.

02:36:34.000 I mean, that's what people have always done, and they did it because we didn't have the, we have this ridiculous ego now that we can kind of live in any climate.

02:36:41.000 We'll fix it.

02:36:43.000 I got air conditioning.

02:36:45.000 We got our water coming in.

02:36:46.000 Don't worry.

02:36:47.000 I'm not worried about the hot.

02:36:48.000 We have this idea that you could be in a totally inhospitable place and you could fix it with technology.

02:36:54.000 And we're right for the most part, but if that technology fails...

02:36:58.000 I had a guy on yesterday, Mike Baker, who's a guy from the CIA. He was the head of...

02:37:02.000 director of operations for the CIA. Now he hosts a show on the Travel Channel.

02:37:06.000 He's talking about how easy it is to break the fucking power grid. 0.99

02:37:09.000 That's what people should be worried about. 0.99

02:37:11.000 There's not that much power.

02:37:12.000 I mean, there's not that much difficulty shutting down a grid.

02:37:15.000 And there's only a couple of grids that control the entire country. 0.97

02:37:18.000 And if one of those goes down, it takes a long fucking time to come back up.

02:37:21.000 It's happened before, you know, just in the last couple of years. 0.98

02:37:24.000 Power grids go down and people are out for days.

02:37:26.000 Yeah, and it could be longer.

02:37:27.000 If something bad happens to a power grid, they could be down for a long time.

02:37:32.000 Water supply, power grid...

02:37:33.000 The power grid is the big one, because power grid keeps people from being able to live in a place that's hot or cold.

02:37:39.000 Once it goes down, then you're off on your own.

02:37:43.000 Oh, that's what I wanted to bring up.

02:37:45.000 There's something I put up.

02:37:47.000 Josh McDermott from The Walking Dead pulled this up, and he tweeted it to me, and it's on my Twitter.

02:37:52.000 I retweeted it. 0.98

02:37:54.000 The craziest fucking story about a guy who lived in Maine, okay? 0.99

02:37:59.000 And when he was 20 years old, he disappeared and he went to live in the woods. 0.99

02:38:04.000 Never spoke a word to anyone.

02:38:06.000 Never interacted with people.

02:38:09.000 Said hi once to a guy that he found jogging.

02:38:12.000 That's all.

02:38:13.000 Or hiking.

02:38:13.000 And lived off the land.

02:38:15.000 Stole from people. 1.00

02:38:16.000 They called him the hermit of whatever the fuck he was. 0.99

02:38:19.000 Did you find it? 1.00

02:38:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:38:20.000 Pull that shit up. 1.00

02:38:22.000 So it's like in a small town in Maine he lived in the woods behind it. 0.99

02:38:25.000 Exactly.

02:38:25.000 He lived in the woods and stole from people for 20 years.

02:38:29.000 20 plus years.

02:38:30.000 It's a crazy story.

02:38:32.000 Would he steal just food?

02:38:34.000 Batteries, food, clothes, everything he had he had stolen.

02:38:37.000 And people from this town, he had been a mystery because no one knew if he was real or not.

02:38:41.000 Wow.

02:38:42.000 So he had been a guy like he'd steal people's candy.

02:38:45.000 There was a guy who remembered that when he was 10 years old, someone stole all of his Halloween candy.

02:38:50.000 And he couldn't believe it.

02:38:52.000 And people would think you're crazy.

02:38:53.000 He would steal your propane tanks and he would replace them with an empty tank. 1.00

02:38:58.000 And people would be like, what the fuck? 0.99

02:39:00.000 I had a full propane tank. 1.00

02:39:01.000 He would steal your grill.

02:39:02.000 He had like a grill out there.

02:39:04.000 And he lived in a tent.

02:39:05.000 And he lived in a tent for 27 years?

02:39:09.000 In Maine. 1.00

02:39:09.000 Imagine those fucking winters. 1.00

02:39:11.000 He's 47 years old now. 1.00

02:39:13.000 Wow.

02:39:13.000 He hasn't talked to anybody.

02:39:15.000 And this is the only interaction that he's ever had with people.

02:39:18.000 He's never been sick a day in his life.

02:39:21.000 You think he'll do time?

02:39:22.000 Oh, yeah, he'll do time.

02:39:24.000 But it's all misdemeanor charges.

02:39:25.000 Yeah, but it's a thousand of them.

02:39:27.000 They gotta prove them all.

02:39:29.000 Yeah.

02:39:29.000 He's got all the stuff.

02:39:31.000 It's all he has.

02:39:33.000 Right, right.

02:39:33.000 I mean, he's gonna do time.

02:39:35.000 Yeah.

02:39:35.000 It's how much time he's gonna do.

02:39:36.000 I think they should give the guy a break. 1.00

02:39:37.000 He's mentally ill. 1.00

02:39:39.000 Fuck him. 1.00

02:39:39.000 Lock him up. 1.00

02:39:40.000 What, do you want him out there fucking robbing your house? 1.00

02:39:42.000 Stealing your candy? 1.00

02:39:42.000 But I love the myth. 1.00

02:39:43.000 It's like Bigfoot.

02:39:44.000 It's like there's a rumor that there's a guy that lives in the woods.

02:39:48.000 I mean, how great is that to be a kid in that town?

02:39:50.000 What's incredible that it turned out to be real.

02:39:53.000 All these people had thought this for so long and everyone was like, no, that's nuts. 1.00

02:39:58.000 I think every town should have one guy who hides and steals shit from you. 0.99

02:40:02.000 Just to keep you honest. 1.00

02:40:03.000 Make sure you're locking your gate at night.

02:40:04.000 Yeah, but this is ridiculous because this guy had tools.

02:40:07.000 He had break-in tools.

02:40:08.000 He would get into people's houses and their alarms would go off and he knew how to get out of there just in time. 0.98

02:40:12.000 And so when their alarm would go off, he would fucking bail. 0.80

02:40:15.000 I could see that as being not the A story in a feature film, but like the B story. 0.98

02:40:20.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:40:21.000 This is the guy that has to come out of his...

02:40:25.000 He has to come out of his shell to try to save humanity.

02:40:27.000 Yes.

02:40:28.000 Because he finds something the government's doing in the woods.

02:40:29.000 No one's believing. 1.00

02:40:30.000 That guy, he's crazy. 0.99

02:40:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:40:32.000 You know, he stole my kids Halloween candy. 1.00

02:40:34.000 Right.

02:40:34.000 Meanwhile, he's out there and he's like, I'm telling you, they're plotting something really badly.

02:40:38.000 I haven't talked to people in 27 years.

02:40:40.000 Yeah.

02:40:40.000 I live in a camp.

02:40:42.000 I've never been to a doctor.

02:40:44.000 And he meets the local kid.

02:40:46.000 The kid hits a baseball over the fence and stumbles into him, and they strike a relationship.

02:40:50.000 Yeah.

02:40:51.000 And only he understands the man.

02:40:53.000 This guy got busted by a game warden.

02:40:55.000 There was a game warden who knew he was doing this, and so they set up this silent alarm.

02:41:01.000 The alarm went off, and then this game warden showed up with a flashlight and a gun and blinded him with the flashlight and pointed the gun at him and said, Get on the ground!

02:41:09.000 And then they caught him.

02:41:11.000 This guy was like, for all these years, he was a myth.

02:41:15.000 I just can't imagine getting through those winters in Maine.

02:41:19.000 Unbelievable.

02:41:20.000 Unbelievable.

02:41:21.000 It doesn't get any colder than that.

02:41:23.000 And it's wet cold.

02:41:25.000 Yeah.

02:41:25.000 It's about as miserable as you can get without being in Alaska, I guess, like northern Alaska.

02:41:31.000 Because it's on the ocean.

02:41:32.000 It's on the northern Atlantic.

02:41:34.000 I bet he stole something like maybe a doghouse or he made some kind of house.

02:41:39.000 No, no, no.

02:41:40.000 He lived in a tent.

02:41:41.000 Wow.

02:41:41.000 He stole the tent, but he lived in a tent.

02:41:43.000 He stole everything he had except his glasses.

02:41:46.000 He had the same glasses that he wore in high school.

02:41:49.000 It's incredible.

02:41:50.000 I mean, the guy was like, he had a high school yearbook.

02:41:53.000 He's wearing these glasses.

02:41:54.000 And then he's like, you know what?

02:41:55.000 I don't like people. 1.00

02:41:56.000 Fuck this. 1.00

02:41:57.000 He never saw the internet. 1.00

02:41:59.000 He's never gotten an email.

02:42:00.000 He's never watched a television show.

02:42:02.000 He hasn't seen anything in 27 years.

02:42:05.000 What do you do?

02:42:06.000 Read books.

02:42:07.000 All day.

02:42:07.000 Guy read books.

02:42:08.000 Oh, he stole books and read them?

02:42:09.000 Yeah, loved books.

02:42:10.000 Like Tom Clancy books.

02:42:12.000 Stole people's books.

02:42:13.000 Had a stack of books.

02:42:14.000 Hmm.

02:42:15.000 Yeah.

02:42:15.000 What if he broke his glasses?

02:42:17.000 It's hard to steal glasses.

02:42:18.000 Oh my god, yeah.

02:42:19.000 It'd be like that Twilight Zone episode.

02:42:20.000 Yeah, that's with Burgess Meredith.

02:42:22.000 Yeah.

02:42:23.000 Crazy story though, man.

02:42:25.000 Wow. 1.00

02:42:25.000 Because, you know, you hear about stuff like that and you're always like, that's bullshit. 1.00

02:42:29.000 There's no guys living 27 fucking years in the woods in Maine. 0.99

02:42:32.000 But yes, there was. 0.99

02:42:33.000 Yeah.

02:42:33.000 Yes, there was.

02:42:34.000 And we gotta find out why.

02:42:35.000 There's a reason why he left and went in the woods.

02:42:39.000 Mental illness, I would imagine.

02:42:40.000 Did you read Into the Wild?

02:42:42.000 Yes.

02:42:42.000 It's kind of like that.

02:42:43.000 It was like something that drove...

02:42:45.000 And it wasn't like an event that made that guy...

02:42:47.000 He wasn't traumatized.

02:42:48.000 You know, I think his parents had divorced and he took it hard, but basically he just had a spirit that needed to be away from man.

02:42:55.000 He couldn't handle man.

02:42:57.000 But he didn't like it when he was out there.

02:42:59.000 That's the thing that they talked about a little bit in the movie.

02:43:03.000 It was like, all this beauty doesn't mean anything if there's no one to share it with.

02:43:06.000 I think that was the quote.

02:43:07.000 But what I didn't like about the movie is the movie altered the book.

02:43:11.000 In the book...

02:43:13.000 Yeah.

02:43:18.000 Yeah.

02:43:34.000 Yeah.

02:43:34.000 It's not easy to get food, man.

02:43:37.000 Right.

02:43:37.000 It's not easy.

02:43:38.000 The idea of living off the land is ridiculous.

02:43:41.000 Well, I think he had planned on getting out before winter set in and he missed the window.

02:43:45.000 And so he got stuck out there.

02:43:47.000 Well, he was only a few miles from people, too. 1.00

02:43:49.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

02:43:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:43:50.000 I mean... 1.00

02:43:51.000 Look, that area, like you're in Alaska.

02:43:54.000 Alaska is incredibly remote, but I don't believe he was more than like five or ten miles away from civilization. 1.00

02:43:59.000 I think, you know, poor fucking guy. 0.99

02:44:02.000 There was people that could have helped him that were right there. 0.99

02:44:04.000 I wonder if there's a tourist spot where the bus was that he was living in.

02:44:07.000 Doesn't he like it had a van or a bus or something?

02:44:09.000 Yeah, it was like a school bus.

02:44:10.000 Didn't he find it out there or something and move into it or something?

02:44:12.000 Probably.

02:44:12.000 It was like a broken down bus.

02:44:14.000 But that was sad, man. 0.98

02:44:16.000 Because, look, you can do it, like Survivorman's done it, but you've got to be fucking prepared. 0.97

02:44:21.000 If you want to live in the woods by yourself, man, you better have plenty of food, you better have plenty of ammo if you're going to hunt. 0.98

02:44:31.000 You better have...

02:44:32.000 Some way of stockpiling plants if you're not going to hunt.

02:44:35.000 You've got to figure out how you're going to eat.

02:44:36.000 You've got to have a serious understanding of nature.

02:44:39.000 What stuff you can eat, what you can't.

02:44:41.000 How to build a fire.

02:44:42.000 How to predict the weather to some degree.

02:44:45.000 It's probably really hard to do.

02:44:48.000 You should at least be able to survive.

02:44:51.000 There's a bunch of those shows that are about people living in Alaska.

02:44:55.000 There's a bunch of those shows now.

02:44:56.000 But one of the crazy ones is Life Below Zero.

02:44:59.000 And in Life Below Zero, there's a couple of these guys that have cabins.

02:45:02.000 And they live out.

02:45:03.000 And all they do all day is go out and get food.

02:45:07.000 Whether it's fishing or hunting.

02:45:09.000 They shoot caribou and they hang them.

02:45:11.000 And this one guy, his name is Glenn.

02:45:12.000 And he has this...

02:45:14.000 Little shack that he's prepared up there in Alaska.

02:45:19.000 And he lives in this little shack and it's by a lake and he has to drill holes in the lake to pull his water out.

02:45:24.000 Or he takes snow and he melts it down.

02:45:26.000 That's the only way he gets water.

02:45:27.000 So no electricity, just a fire.

02:45:29.000 Just a fire.

02:45:30.000 And he makes all of his fire.

02:45:33.000 He doesn't use matches.

02:45:35.000 Because he feels like you could lose your matches.

02:45:37.000 So he has this thing, like an old school Indian thing.

02:45:39.000 He bites down on it.

02:45:41.000 He holds it in a stick.

02:45:42.000 And the stick is attached to these two ropes.

02:45:45.000 Or a rope, rather, and a bow.

02:45:48.000 Almost like one of those things you would play fiddle with.

02:45:50.000 And he goes like this.

02:45:51.000 He bites it down, so he holds it in place.

02:45:53.000 It just goes...

02:45:54.000 And then he goes back and forth, and the friction creates sparks.

02:45:58.000 And then he uses that to start up tinder.

02:46:01.000 That's the only way it makes fire.

02:46:02.000 Wow.

02:46:02.000 And this guy's out there just shooting things and eating them.

02:46:04.000 But the crazy thing is, he's happy.

02:46:08.000 He enjoys it.

02:46:09.000 He lives as a hermit for four or five months out of the year.

02:46:11.000 And he does that.

02:46:13.000 And then occasionally he has a family, apparently.

02:46:15.000 He's divorced from his wife, but he has kids.

02:46:18.000 So he goes into town.

02:46:19.000 And he does it during the winter months.

02:46:21.000 Yeah, he does it through the winter.

02:46:23.000 It's crazy.

02:46:23.000 I don't know how much of it is for the show.

02:46:25.000 That's a real issue when you're watching these goddamn shows. 0.98

02:46:28.000 You don't know how much of this they're doing. 0.99

02:46:30.000 They said, hey, would you be willing to live out there through the winter?

02:46:33.000 Yeah, maybe he only does it during the summer normally, but he did it in the winter on TV. But what's weird is when we stayed in Yosemite, we had to put all our food in these bear safes that were reinforced steel.

02:46:44.000 Because any food at all, they're going to come find it.

02:46:46.000 But what do you do when you've got an elk hanging outside of your cabin?

02:46:50.000 He's constantly fighting off grizzlies.

02:46:51.000 This guy shoots grizzlies.

02:46:54.000 He's constantly fighting them off.

02:46:55.000 They find out about his stash.

02:46:58.000 When he shoots an animal, he has to be very careful approaching it.

02:47:00.000 Because if a bear gets to the animal before he does...

02:47:02.000 A lot of times you shoot an animal...

02:47:05.000 Yeah.

02:47:26.000 If he goes too far, he's got to go, I got to get home before it gets dark.

02:47:29.000 Because he doesn't have flashlights. 0.99

02:47:31.000 He's not using any of that shit. 0.99

02:47:32.000 Okay, I got to leave this animal there. 1.00

02:47:34.000 So then he has to go out first light.

02:47:35.000 So he goes out in the morning to find the animal, and sometimes something's founded already, like nocturnal animals.

02:47:40.000 So he might get to his carcass of all of his meat.

02:47:42.000 This is what he needs.

02:47:43.000 He shot this animal, but there's a wolf on it, or there's bears on it, or something along those lines. 1.00

02:47:48.000 It's serious shit. 1.00

02:47:50.000 But that excitement about being out there like that, for this guy, is like this giant charge. 1.00

02:47:56.000 That's what he loves to do.

02:47:57.000 He doesn't want to deal with taxes.

02:47:58.000 He doesn't want to deal with jobs.

02:48:00.000 He doesn't want to deal with bosses.

02:48:02.000 He's just got this little shack that he built himself, and he can sell skins.

02:48:05.000 So he can trap animals like lynx and You know, all these different animals and sell their skins and make money.

02:48:14.000 So that's where he gets his money from.

02:48:16.000 And then from that money, he'll buy like bullets and guns and things along those lines.

02:48:19.000 And everything else, he's just living off the land.

02:48:21.000 So he lives off the land like for months and months at a time with no contact with people.

02:48:25.000 Doesn't speak to another human being for four months.

02:48:28.000 Well, he's doing it now because he's talking to cameramen, obviously, and producers, I'm sure.

02:48:32.000 I mean, I'm sure there's people there that are kind of directing along.

02:48:34.000 That must be weird for him because clearly he doesn't want to be around people.

02:48:37.000 And when you've got a camera crew around you, around the clock, You've got no space at all.

02:49:05.000 And he has actual electricity.

02:49:08.000 He drives around in 4x4s, those little things, those Polaris things.

02:49:14.000 And snowmobiles.

02:49:17.000 Actually, snowmobiles is really the way he does it.

02:49:19.000 And that's how he gets around.

02:49:20.000 He uses a snowmobile to travel through the woods and check his trap lines and stuff.

02:49:23.000 So he's like step up from this guy.

02:49:26.000 He has a generator, has power, a little bit more technological, but you go all the way back to that guy and he's not even using matches. 0.99

02:49:36.000 These fucking guys, they're loving it. 0.99

02:49:38.000 That's what's crazy. 1.00

02:49:39.000 It's like the challenge and the thrill of life changes.

02:49:42.000 Because they're tuned in.

02:49:44.000 That's what they always talk about.

02:49:46.000 When you're out here, it's so exciting because you're tuned in to nature.

02:49:51.000 They're hunting all these different animals, and some of them they're hunting for furs, which I don't like. 0.99

02:49:57.000 When I see people hunting shit for furs, I'm always like, man, that's kind of fucked up. 0.99

02:50:01.000 But when I watch these guys do it, it doesn't bother me. 1.00

02:50:05.000 It doesn't bother me that they're shooting these animals only for their furs.

02:50:07.000 Because this guy doesn't have any other way to get money.

02:50:10.000 I mean, this is what he's chosen to do.

02:50:13.000 And there's a reason why.

02:50:15.000 I mean, they try to keep the populations of a lot of these animals in check.

02:50:17.000 And so they need people like this to do that.

02:50:19.000 But it's just such a weird way of life to watch.

02:50:23.000 And I always watch and go, could I do that?

02:50:26.000 That's why these shows are so popular.

02:50:28.000 These Alaska shows are huge, and they keep making a million of them.

02:50:31.000 But I could say on the slightest scale of this, when I go camping, I feel so good.

02:50:38.000 I come back refreshed.

02:50:40.000 I feel like I'm connecting with my family like I never do.

02:50:44.000 There's no cell phones.

02:50:45.000 We're talking.

02:50:45.000 We're doing projects like lighting a fire, cooking some food, putting the tents up, going for a hike.

02:50:51.000 And you think, you know, I always bring a book or some games. 0.99

02:50:54.000 I never get to that shit. 1.00

02:50:55.000 Your day is full. 1.00

02:50:56.000 Yeah.

02:50:57.000 It's a relaxing but invigorating way to spend your time.

02:51:01.000 It's weird.

02:51:02.000 Yeah.

02:51:02.000 But I think people need trees.

02:51:04.000 I think being around that stuff, walking on dirt and being around trees, we don't need it, obviously, but I think there's a certain energy that you get from that environment that's refreshing.

02:51:14.000 It feels good.

02:51:15.000 Yeah.

02:51:16.000 I mean, every religion talks about it's all the answers are in nature.

02:51:20.000 You know, you read Whitman and Thoreau.

02:51:22.000 It's all about go to wall and pond, just get off the grid, and that's the only way you can live.

02:51:27.000 And it's like, even if it means taking a hike every other day, just get out in nature.

02:51:31.000 All the answers are there.

02:51:33.000 I think?

02:51:55.000 It's nice to be able to visit your friends.

02:51:57.000 You just drive across town.

02:51:59.000 Hey, what's up everybody? 0.99

02:52:00.000 And everybody fucking... 0.99

02:52:01.000 It's green light means go. 0.99

02:52:02.000 Red light means stop.

02:52:03.000 You know, it's all good.

02:52:05.000 We've got a nice system. 1.00

02:52:06.000 But I think we're missing out on a lot of shit, man. 0.99

02:52:09.000 I think we're missing out on a lot of the feeling that you get from just being a person. 0.99

02:52:13.000 I think that's one of the reasons why we're so detached from our...

02:52:17.000 The actions that we're doing as far as polluting, as far as dumping plastic into the ocean, we're so detached from it because in cities, we're only seeing this human-created stuff.

02:52:31.000 But when you see a beer can...

02:52:34.000 You see a beer can in a parking lot, say if you're walking through a parking lot and see a smashed Budweiser can, it doesn't really freak you out.

02:52:39.000 But when you see a Budweiser can in the woods, it's a real bummer, man.

02:52:43.000 It's a real bummer.

02:52:44.000 I've seen people throw cigarettes out on a parking lot, and it's gross, but it seems normal.

02:52:50.000 But I saw a dude once throw a cigarette out in the woods, and I go, pick that up, man. 1.00

02:52:54.000 What the fuck are you doing? 0.99

02:52:55.000 We're out here in the woods. 1.00

02:52:57.000 It's beautiful out here.

02:52:58.000 And you just lit your cigarette, threw it on the ground, stepped on it. 1.00

02:53:00.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:53:01.000 Well, that's what the ocean is. 1.00

02:53:02.000 It's forever been a dumping ground. 0.97

02:53:04.000 Did you hear about the trash continent that disappeared? 0.98

02:53:10.000 Disappeared? 0.98

02:53:10.000 It disappeared. 0.98

02:53:12.000 What do you mean disappeared?

02:53:13.000 Somebody just told me yesterday that the thing that's been floating out in the ocean that's the size of Australia...

02:53:18.000 Is no longer there.

02:53:20.000 I don't think it's that big.

02:53:21.000 It's pretty big.

02:53:22.000 I think it's like Texas-sized, but it's the Pacific Garbage Patch is what they call it.

02:53:26.000 Right.

02:53:26.000 Gone.

02:53:26.000 Disappeared?

02:53:26.000 Really?

02:53:27.000 Yep.

02:53:27.000 Wow, I didn't hear that.

02:53:29.000 And, you know, when you think about, like, it's just too easy to dump shit into the 99% missing. 0.99

02:53:36.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

02:53:38.000 99% missing.

02:53:39.000 It's reached the food chain.

02:53:41.000 Oh, God.

02:53:43.000 Yeah.

02:53:43.000 Ocean Patch is mysteriously disappearing.

02:53:46.000 What the fuck? 0.99

02:53:48.000 There was a guy who I had on who was a seasteader. 1.00

02:53:51.000 He's got this idea of...

02:53:52.000 Oh, we're running out of time.

02:53:53.000 But we were talking about this 19-year-old kid who figured out a way to pull plastic out of the ocean, use some sort of large machine.

02:54:00.000 And he's done it on a small-scale basis.

02:54:02.000 And make skateboards out of it?

02:54:03.000 No.

02:54:04.000 We talked about that, I think, the last time you were here.

02:54:06.000 Some guy down in Mexico, right?

02:54:07.000 Right, right.

02:54:08.000 No, this was a guy who figured out how to clean up the Pacific Garbage Patch and reuse that plastic.

02:54:13.000 Oh yeah?

02:54:13.000 Yeah, on a small scale.

02:54:14.000 They've shown it like, what's that called?

02:54:17.000 Proof of concept on a small scale.

02:54:19.000 So it's a matter of implementing it on a large scale. 0.92

02:54:22.000 But if it's all fucking sinking into the ocean, that's not good. 0.75

02:54:26.000 It's like that Gulf Oil spell. 0.97

02:54:28.000 Like, where'd it go?

02:54:29.000 Not good.

02:54:29.000 She's gone!

02:54:30.000 But the reality is that the ocean is so fucking big. 0.76

02:54:33.000 If you do cap it eventually, everything will recover. 0.67

02:54:37.000 It's obviously not good, but the reality is oil leaks from the ground floor for the ocean floor also.

02:54:43.000 I mean, it does it all the time.

02:54:44.000 Like, throughout the California coast, you could find natural oil that is leaked out of the bottom of the ocean, like the ocean floor.

02:54:50.000 The same way we can go in and get it with a pipe, it can actually come through in some spots.

02:54:55.000 Yeah.

02:54:56.000 So the ocean is not worried about that amount of... 1.00

02:54:59.000 It's fucked up and gross. 1.00

02:55:00.000 And for the people that live in that area, disgusting, awful, evil, all of the above. 1.00

02:55:05.000 But the whole ocean? 0.74

02:55:06.000 It's like, come on.

02:55:07.000 You know what the worst was?

02:55:08.000 When the Soviet Union went down, all these classified documents came out about the nuclear program.

02:55:15.000 For like 40 years, they were taking raw nuclear waste and just dropping it in the Sea of Japan.

02:55:22.000 Just take it out, throw it overboard. 1.00

02:55:25.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

02:55:25.000 And we're eating sushi. 1.00

02:55:26.000 Well, that's how the Somali pirates started, you know?

02:55:29.000 Yeah.

02:55:30.000 The Somali pirates, before they called themselves Somali pirates, they called themselves the Volunteer Coast Guard of Somalia.

02:55:35.000 And the reason why they started doing this, they started going out and capturing European boats that were dumping toxic waste off the coast, killing off all their fish.

02:55:44.000 Oh, yeah?

02:55:44.000 So they would hold them for ransom.

02:55:46.000 And then they realize, you know what, we get a lot more than this than we do doing fishing.

02:55:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:55:50.000 So fuck fishing, let's just become kidnappers. 1.00

02:55:53.000 Right. 1.00

02:55:53.000 So they became kidnappers and started making millions of dollars. 1.00

02:55:56.000 Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but take a bunch of people hostage, that's a fucking month's worth of money. 0.98

02:56:02.000 Hey now! 0.96

02:56:03.000 This podcast was brought to you by DraftKings.

02:56:07.000 Was it?

02:56:08.000 Is that what you call it?

02:56:09.000 What's the URL? DraftKings.com No, no, no.

02:56:13.000 There's a URL like you add something in there.

02:56:17.000 Code Word Rogan.

02:56:19.000 Okay.

02:56:20.000 Is that it?

02:56:20.000 Yeah.

02:56:21.000 I never get these things correct.

02:56:23.000 Okay, DraftKings.com.

02:56:24.000 Enter in the code word ROGAN for free entry now at DraftKings.com.

02:56:28.000 Get on that fantasy football train and make yourself some money.

02:56:31.000 I can't believe you can really make money, but you can.

02:56:34.000 You get your piece of five million bucks during kickoff week at DraftKings.com.

02:56:39.000 Use the code word ROGAN and you can try it for free.

02:56:43.000 Enter for free. 0.98

02:56:43.000 Give it a shot, you fucks. 0.98

02:56:45.000 And Greg Fitzsimmons, what's your website? 0.99

02:56:48.000 GregFitsSimmons.com, FitzDog.com.

02:56:51.000 My new one-hour special from Comedy Central is now on Hulu for free.

02:56:55.000 Life on stage.

02:56:57.000 Check that out. 0.98

02:56:58.000 And then if you want to see my bullshit live, I'll be in Edmonton on September 11-13. 0.95

02:57:05.000 And then Atlanta, October 13-15. 0.99

02:57:09.000 Glorious.

02:57:10.000 Go to Greg's website.

02:57:10.000 We're out of time.

02:57:12.000 We love the fuck out of you people. 0.98

02:57:13.000 See you next week. 0.63

02:57:13.000 Big kiss. 0.63

02:57:32.000 And the conversation evolves over that time.

02:57:36.000 It works out better.

02:57:37.000 Yeah.

02:57:39.000 Did you talk about the 9 year old girl shooting the gun instructor?

02:57:44.000 No.

02:57:45.000 Where'd that happen?

02:57:46.000 That's weird.

02:57:48.000 It was an Uzi.

02:57:51.000 On purpose she did it? 1.00

02:57:52.000 No.

02:57:53.000 She was at a gun range and they were training her how to shoot an Uzi.

02:57:56.000 They took one in the head. 0.98

02:58:04.000 Oh, yeah.

02:58:06.000 But then, what's crazy, I was going to bring it up, but I thought you should talk about it yesterday.

02:58:10.000 But they were like, oh, yeah, it's completely legal.

02:58:13.000 Actually, the shooting age is eight.

02:58:15.000 Oh, my God.

02:58:17.000 Not only that, but they're marketing to kids like crazy.

02:58:21.000 Yeah.

02:58:22.000 That's like, they have, like, home magazines for kids to...

02:58:25.000 Kids and guns.

02:58:26.000 Yeah, and it's all put out by the NRA. Eight?

02:58:31.000 Eight?

02:58:33.000 That's beautiful.

02:58:35.000 I've shot one gun once and it was like a little, what is it, a 22?

02:58:42.000 Is that those little tiny ones?

02:58:43.000 Yeah, those little baby ones.

02:58:43.000 That's all I shot.

02:58:44.000 The girl ones, almost. 0.89

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 28, 2014

Joe Rogan Experience #542 - Greg Fitzsimmons

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