The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #57

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan experience.

00:01:49.000 What's up, bitches?

00:01:51.000 My friend Jason Tebow's all up in this bitch.

00:01:53.000 What's your name?

00:01:54.000 What's up, bitch?

00:01:55.000 He said, what's up, bitches?

00:01:56.000 I'll take your bitch.

00:01:57.000 I want to be redundant with my bitches.

00:01:59.000 Ladies and gentlemen, I retired the word faggot from my vernacular.

00:02:03.000 Sorry to hear that.

00:02:04.000 I gave it up.

00:02:05.000 I gave it up in light of this most recent controversy where I called this guy a faggot.

00:02:08.000 Not meaning anything derogatory towards homosexuals, but there's this thought behind saying something like that as well.

00:02:15.000 What's important is not the word.

00:02:17.000 It's not a magic word.

00:02:18.000 It's your intent.

00:02:19.000 And that should be important.

00:02:21.000 But when there's a word that confuses a lot of people and pisses people off and that's not your intent, then really rationally and logically, you have to kind of accept that you have an ineffective word.

00:02:33.000 That word's not that good.

00:02:34.000 That word means too many different things.

00:02:37.000 It means, to some people, it means you hate gay people.

00:02:40.000 And that is the furthest possible thing from the truth.

00:02:44.000 I have absolutely zero problem with gay people.

00:02:47.000 I have no problem with it.

00:02:48.000 I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

00:02:49.000 I've met a ton of cool gay people.

00:02:51.000 And I grew up in San Francisco when I was a little kid from age 7 to 11.

00:02:55.000 I was constantly around gay people.

00:02:57.000 My next-door neighbors were these gay guys that my aunt used to go over and smoke weed with.

00:03:02.000 This big, gay, fucking scary, muscular black guy with a shaved head and his weird white friend.

00:03:08.000 And these dudes would blaze out with my aunt.

00:03:10.000 They would all get high and naked.

00:03:12.000 What years with you?

00:03:14.000 This is shit.

00:03:15.000 It was a long time ago because I'm old as fuck.

00:03:18.000 I guess I was seven, between age seven to 11.

00:03:21.000 We lived there.

00:03:22.000 So that was like somewhere in the 1970s.

00:03:24.000 Right, right, right.

00:03:25.000 It was like right when the Vietnam War was ending.

00:03:27.000 It was like super hippie time in San Francisco, and that's where we lived.

00:03:29.000 And we were just constantly around gay people.

00:03:32.000 And I remember when I was a kid, I was like, I guess I was like 11, 12 when we moved from San Francisco to Florida.

00:03:40.000 And it was a totally different ballgame.

00:03:43.000 You could not get culturally more of a 180 from San Francisco, which is like the most open-minded place on earth, especially in the 1970s, to living in Gainesville, Florida with alligators and shit and rednecks.

00:03:57.000 And there's this Cuban dude.

00:03:59.000 I hung out with this kid.

00:03:59.000 His name was Candy, and he was a boy, and his name was Candy.

00:04:02.000 His name was Candy.

00:04:03.000 Yeah, Candido.

00:04:04.000 Candy.

00:04:04.000 Yeah.

00:04:05.000 I think Candy Olivera.

00:04:05.000 Sweet Candy?

00:04:06.000 I think that was his last name.

00:04:08.000 And his dad was like super homophobic.

00:04:11.000 And his dad was reading the paper.

00:04:13.000 He's going, you fucking believe this shit?

00:04:15.000 Like, throws the paper down on the table.

00:04:16.000 I'll never forget this.

00:04:17.000 I was like, whoa, what is going on?

00:04:19.000 Like, I had just been aware of war and that war ended.

00:04:22.000 I was like, real cognizant that there was some fucked up shit going on in the world.

00:04:25.000 Like, you know, I had you and you're like seven or eight and someone tries to sit down and explain to you war.

00:04:31.000 That there's some people, there's some people like, why are these people protesting?

00:04:33.000 I remember asking my stepfather, and he had to break this whole thing down to me, that there's a conflict going on and these people don't want to have to go over there and kill people.

00:04:42.000 And I was like, whoa, what?

00:04:44.000 Like, we go over.

00:04:46.000 They take you and they make you go somewhere and kill people.

00:04:49.000 And you don't even have to agree?

00:04:50.000 War is unfathomable to children.

00:04:52.000 Not just unfathomable, but the idea of the draft and being forced into doing that is slavery.

00:04:58.000 It's nothing but slavery for a military industrial complex.

00:05:01.000 I mean, that's really what it is.

00:05:03.000 So I was freaked out about everything back then.

00:05:06.000 Very young kid.

00:05:07.000 Yeah, when you're a kid, you don't even like to be told to clean your room.

00:05:09.000 That's the, you know, that's, let alone being so go.

00:05:12.000 Anyway, so this guy freaks out.

00:05:13.000 I can't fucking believe this shit.

00:05:15.000 And he throws the thing down.

00:05:16.000 I'm like, fuck, we're going to war again.

00:05:17.000 We're going to war.

00:05:18.000 This is what I'm thinking.

00:05:19.000 And he goes, these fucking fags want to get married.

00:05:23.000 And I remember going, what?

00:05:24.000 No way.

00:05:25.000 I'm like, I've clearly, I've, I've been, I didn't even think that.

00:05:29.000 I thought it was clearly a mistake.

00:05:31.000 There's no way.

00:05:32.000 Because I didn't know any adults like this.

00:05:33.000 Right.

00:05:34.000 When I lived in San Francisco, like I said, my neighbors were these weird gay guys and my dad's friends were all architects and computer programmers.

00:05:40.000 They were all like really pretty smart people.

00:05:42.000 So I'd never heard anybody that gave a fuck about some people getting married that they don't even know.

00:05:47.000 But this guy was like really serious about it.

00:05:49.000 And it was a really important moment for me as like an 11-year-old because I realized there's levels of adults.

00:05:57.000 There's some people that are just adults, but they think like children.

00:06:00.000 Oh, sure.

00:06:00.000 They're completely ignorant.

00:06:02.000 Totally.

00:06:02.000 And even though they're adults, even though they have kids of their own, they're still idiots.

00:06:06.000 I remember that being a big, important moment.

00:06:08.000 And that moment was because this guy was homophobic.

00:06:11.000 And I thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever.

00:06:13.000 So by me conveying any homophobic, you know, any, any, not intent, but people receiving that and getting that message that I'm homophobic because I call somebody a faggot.

00:06:25.000 It doesn't mean that with straight guys, but it doesn't matter if it doesn't mean that.

00:06:29.000 The reality is, if it's making that many people pissed off and upset and it's making them think that you care about their sexual preference, like I, at a point in time, I was like, why am I attached to this fucking word?

00:06:40.000 Like, am I just stubborn?

00:06:41.000 Like, what?

00:06:42.000 It's fun to say.

00:06:43.000 It is fun to say, but why is it fun to say?

00:06:44.000 It's fun to say because you're not really supposed to say it.

00:06:46.000 Same reason fig newtons are nice to say.

00:06:49.000 It just sounds good.

00:06:50.000 Right.

00:06:50.000 Faggot.

00:06:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:06:53.000 I just decided from all this that it was an ineffective word, and then I didn't want to be hurting anybody's feelings for no reason at all.

00:06:59.000 I'm hurting absolutely the wrong people's feelings.

00:07:01.000 Like, I don't care at all about the fact that they're gay.

00:07:04.000 And if that hurts their feelings, if it's just this one word, it's like, it's enough.

00:07:07.000 Who gives a shit?

00:07:08.000 But isn't it something just more about somebody just being way too sensitive?

00:07:12.000 Like, there's like sensitive straight people and sensitive gay people.

00:07:12.000 Yes, it is.

00:07:15.000 I know a lot of gay people, you say the faggot in front of them, but they don't give a shit.

00:07:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:07:19.000 Absolutely fucking lootly.

00:07:20.000 For sure and true.

00:07:21.000 But it's not like they're saying don't swear at all.

00:07:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:07:25.000 It's not like they're saying you don't call people cunts or douchebags or any other word that means exactly the same thing.

00:07:30.000 You know, you call some guy a faggot, like, this guy's being a faggot.

00:07:32.000 What do you mean?

00:07:33.000 He's being a douchebag.

00:07:34.000 It's really the exact same intent.

00:07:36.000 Yeah, but if somebody says a negative thing going on.

00:07:38.000 If somebody says lard ass in front of me or fat so, I won't get up.

00:07:41.000 But that's descriptive.

00:07:42.000 That's descriptive.

00:07:43.000 Yeah.

00:07:44.000 So is faggots.

00:07:45.000 But it's not.

00:07:46.000 It's confused.

00:07:47.000 It has an ambivalent sort of meaning now.

00:07:49.000 There's a lot of people.

00:07:50.000 It could mean pussy.

00:07:51.000 It could mean, you know.

00:07:52.000 It's too confusing.

00:07:53.000 And, you know, Louis C.K. has a great bit about it where he kind of defends his use of it.

00:07:57.000 And every comic friend I know says it.

00:07:59.000 And Ari and Joey, when they got me my birthday cake for my 40th birthday, it says, happy birthday, faggot.

00:08:05.000 That's on my birthday cake.

00:08:06.000 Because we call each other faggots all the time.

00:08:08.000 It's like, you know, like someone like Brian might call me and go, hello, faggot.

00:08:11.000 You know, just out of nowhere.

00:08:12.000 That's actually the better one that I usually say.

00:08:15.000 It's just like when we talk, it's like fun.

00:08:17.000 You know, it's like we're children.

00:08:19.000 Everyone in our group, one of the things that binds us all together is we're all very juvenile.

00:08:23.000 You know, Joey is the oldest one, and he might be the youngest one.

00:08:26.000 I call my fleshlight a faggot all the time for obvious reasons.

00:08:30.000 Faggot, fleshlight from fleshlight.com.

00:08:32.000 If my dog was doing something stupid, like sniffing some fucking coyote shit, I'm like, get out of there, faggot.

00:08:36.000 What the fuck are you doing?

00:08:37.000 Say that to him.

00:08:38.000 I don't mean my dog's gay for coyote dick.

00:08:41.000 You're going to have a lot of dogs.

00:08:41.000 Right.

00:08:43.000 It's too confusing a word.

00:08:43.000 Dog pet.

00:08:46.000 I just decided it's not worth it.

00:08:48.000 Is it been a big deal?

00:08:49.000 I mean, have you been getting a lot of bad stuff from?

00:08:53.000 Well, most people support me on it.

00:08:55.000 It's a strange thing, too, because some people support me and they'll support you.

00:08:58.000 They're like, fuck all those fucking fags.

00:09:00.000 They can't fucking deal with it.

00:09:02.000 Keep that shit out of our face.

00:09:03.000 Yeah, that's the wrong kind of support.

00:09:05.000 You're not helping the cause.

00:09:07.000 You're not helping the cause, faggot.

00:09:08.000 Why do you care if they want to go suck cocks?

00:09:10.000 If they want to suck cock from guys who like their cock suck, go get some.

00:09:13.000 Who gives a shit?

00:09:14.000 Could you imagine if that was you?

00:09:15.000 If all of a sudden all these gay people were telling you you had to be gay?

00:09:18.000 Right.

00:09:19.000 Or just complaining about the type of chicks that I was sleeping with.

00:09:21.000 So it's a problem, man.

00:09:22.000 The whole homophobia is a real problem.

00:09:25.000 It's the same exact thing as any doucheiness.

00:09:28.000 It's just racism or sexism or guys who want to roofy chicks and fucking, you know, and rape them while they're sleeping.

00:09:34.000 It's all the same thing.

00:09:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:35.000 It's groups that hate other groups and it's just fucking.

00:09:38.000 And it's such a new, it's like, even though it's old, like homosexuality is super old.

00:09:42.000 And like, you know, very similar to you, like, I grew up in a very liberal environment.

00:09:46.000 My mother's a lesbian.

00:09:47.000 I was raised by lesbians growing up.

00:09:48.000 Shazam, what's that like?

00:09:49.000 Let's talk.

00:09:50.000 Let's do it.

00:09:51.000 Let's talk about that.

00:09:52.000 I think your mom's a faggot.

00:09:54.000 I know, I know.

00:09:54.000 Don't listen, mom.

00:09:57.000 But, you know, very similar to you, like, you know, I grew up in like the Chicago area, but in like, you know, early 80s, like lesbians in the Midwest were slightly less rare than leprechauns as far as, you know, you would know it.

00:10:09.000 It wasn't as out as it is now.

00:10:11.000 It wasn't socially acceptable at all.

00:10:12.000 You pretty much had to keep it under tight wraps or live in San Francisco or Chicago or a really open area.

00:10:17.000 You left that.

00:10:18.000 You didn't have Chicago.

00:10:19.000 It was pretty.

00:10:20.000 Chicago is tricky, no?

00:10:22.000 The line in the sand's pretty clear, but you could be more out then.

00:10:26.000 I mean, the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago is like the second biggest one to San Francisco.

00:10:30.000 When I think of liberal cities, I just think of New York and San Francisco.

00:10:33.000 I mean, I guess L.A., yeah.

00:10:35.000 I mean, L.A. is pretty open.

00:10:36.000 But I mean, as far as the whole Midwest goes, that's it.

00:10:39.000 It's not St. Louis, anything else.

00:10:41.000 I mean, Chicago's like, if you're going to be stuck in the Midwest, that's your only hope of any sort of liberal upbringing or not being bombarded.

00:10:51.000 So then when I went to college, I went to school in the Midwest, like southern Indiana, central Indiana.

00:10:57.000 And I actually would meet people.

00:10:58.000 I met a guy who's like, I never saw a real live black person until I wrestled one in high school.

00:11:04.000 Dude, that's a direct quote from this guy, Lonnie Belville.

00:11:06.000 And I was just, dude, and I was just like, get the, you know, first of all, a real live black person, like there's some sort of like animals that are like, you know, some, it's like Bigfoot or something to him.

00:11:16.000 But can you imagine how intimidating that must have been?

00:11:18.000 Like, there's a real black guy.

00:11:20.000 Now he's going to try to, you know, take my back and shit.

00:11:22.000 You know what I mean?

00:11:23.000 Like the first, his first meeting with a black guy, any black person in his life was on a wrestling match.

00:11:23.000 Wow.

00:11:28.000 And he's probably used to those slow-ass white athletes, too.

00:11:31.000 He probably suddenly got this dude on springs.

00:11:31.000 Oh, yeah.

00:11:34.000 Right.

00:11:34.000 He probably, yeah, exactly.

00:11:35.000 Fucking John Jones, motherfucker.

00:11:37.000 Can move.

00:11:37.000 Exactly.

00:11:38.000 It doesn't make sense how that duck guy moves.

00:11:41.000 Why is he moving 10% better than everybody else?

00:11:43.000 He had neck bridging and what's going up with that?

00:11:45.000 How come he can throw bodies around like they're little dolls?

00:11:48.000 What's going on with his body?

00:11:50.000 Can we get him into a lab?

00:11:53.000 We got to duplicate this shit.

00:11:55.000 We got to get a Petri dish and scrape some cells off of this dude.

00:11:57.000 It's like after the match, he's probably just like, it's very nice meeting your kind.

00:12:01.000 You know what I mean?

00:12:02.000 Do you guys remember your first black person?

00:12:04.000 My what?

00:12:05.000 Do you guys remember your first black person?

00:12:06.000 Did you have sex with you, man?

00:12:07.000 No, I mean, just that's totally what I thought he meant.

00:12:09.000 No, I knew a lot of them.

00:12:10.000 I don't.

00:12:11.000 Yeah, I grew up, you know, like I grew up, my, you know, high school graduating class was like half black, half white.

00:12:16.000 Like, it was no big deal to me whatsoever.

00:12:18.000 But like, growing as a kid, like, I never really even understood racism anymore.

00:12:21.000 That's another thing that I didn't understand until I moved to Florida.

00:12:23.000 And my mom, my mom and I actually got in an argument about it because my mom was, she was a good person, but when she raised me, she was very young.

00:12:30.000 You know, she was 20 when she had me.

00:12:32.000 Me too.

00:12:32.000 So she didn't know shit.

00:12:33.000 She was a ding bad.

00:12:34.000 A kid.

00:12:35.000 She was a kid.

00:12:35.000 She was just a kid.

00:12:36.000 A kid.

00:12:36.000 So she assumed I knew everything.

00:12:39.000 I didn't know how people had.

00:12:41.000 I did not know how that people had sex.

00:12:43.000 And I didn't know how babies were born until I was seven.

00:12:46.000 She never told me shit.

00:12:47.000 And then she goes, you know.

00:12:48.000 And I go, I don't know.

00:12:50.000 I go, I don't know.

00:12:50.000 Tell me.

00:12:51.000 Tell me what it is.

00:12:52.000 You're just going to make fun of it.

00:12:53.000 I go, I'm just going to make fun of it.

00:12:55.000 Tell me how people make pain.

00:12:56.000 I had no fucking idea.

00:12:58.000 And my mom, I was in the car.

00:12:59.000 I Remember this very clearly.

00:13:01.000 1970 Barracuda.

00:13:02.000 I'm sitting in the back seat with my sister.

00:13:03.000 And I go, just tell me.

00:13:04.000 So she tells me.

00:13:05.000 She goes, The man sticks his penis in the woman's vagina.

00:13:08.000 I start fucking laughing.

00:13:10.000 And she reaches back and hits me in the head for laughing.

00:13:12.000 She's like, I knew it.

00:13:14.000 I knew you were just trying to make fun of it.

00:13:15.000 I go, I didn't know.

00:13:16.000 I didn't know what it meant.

00:13:17.000 It's a legitimate question.

00:13:19.000 That was one time that happened.

00:13:20.000 And the other time it happened was we were in Florida because some kid kept talking about niggers.

00:13:25.000 There was some kid in my school that just kept talking about niggers.

00:13:28.000 Like, man, we got problems here.

00:13:30.000 These niggas are moving in.

00:13:31.000 And I was like, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

00:13:33.000 And I just moved there, so I didn't want to ask questions.

00:13:35.000 You know, I was a shy 11-year-old from San Francisco.

00:13:38.000 All of a sudden, I'm around alligators and shit.

00:13:40.000 Right.

00:13:40.000 You know, and so I met my mom.

00:13:42.000 I said, what is a nigger?

00:13:44.000 And she's like, will you stop doing that?

00:13:46.000 Don't make me talk about things I don't want to talk about.

00:13:48.000 And I go, I'm telling you, I don't know what it is.

00:13:51.000 She goes, it's a bad word for black people.

00:13:55.000 And I was like, whoa.

00:13:57.000 Like, hold on.

00:13:58.000 Like, this dude is like claiming there's some war going on between white people and black people.

00:14:02.000 Well, in his mind, there are.

00:14:03.000 Is that really going down out here?

00:14:05.000 Like, I was so shocked that the environment was so radically different.

00:14:10.000 You know, San Francisco to Florida was fucking crazy.

00:14:14.000 It had to be.

00:14:14.000 God damn.

00:14:16.000 Especially like early 80s, late 70s.

00:14:18.000 God, everybody was so dumb.

00:14:19.000 Everybody was so dumb.

00:14:20.000 They were giving out Bibles in school.

00:14:22.000 And I remember one kid who would like be like all super over-enthusiastic whenever anybody brought up religion because he wanted to let everybody know that he loves the Lord.

00:14:32.000 And so we're like, I guess, like 11.

00:14:34.000 And so they give it a stack of Bibles.

00:14:36.000 And I take this Bible.

00:14:37.000 I'm like, what am I doing with this shit?

00:14:39.000 I already had been through Catholic school.

00:14:40.000 I went to Catholic school for first grade.

00:14:42.000 And I had this horrible, just nasty, evil nun who just ruined my whole idea of what religion was all about.

00:14:49.000 So they were handing these books out.

00:14:50.000 I was like, this is ridiculous shit.

00:14:52.000 Like, what the fuck are you doing here?

00:14:54.000 And there's this one dude.

00:14:54.000 He goes, I likes reading the Bible.

00:14:57.000 Oh, I'm so happy.

00:14:59.000 I can't even wait to get home.

00:15:00.000 Yeah, I likes reading the Bible.

00:15:03.000 And I remember thinking, what if me and this dude were the only two people on the planet?

00:15:06.000 This is my thought at 11 years old, looking at this kid screaming, holding it up in the air.

00:15:11.000 He was holding the Bible above his head while he was yelling this.

00:15:13.000 I was thinking, what if it was just me and this dummy and we were the only people on earth?

00:15:17.000 Would I want to live?

00:15:18.000 Would I want to live if this was the only guy I get to talk to?

00:15:21.000 That's what I thought of at 11.

00:15:23.000 Wow.

00:15:24.000 Probably not.

00:15:25.000 I liked reading the Bible.

00:15:26.000 I'll never forget that dude's voice.

00:15:29.000 I just wanted to pull him aside.

00:15:30.000 I go, dude, just come on, man.

00:15:32.000 Think about this.

00:15:33.000 The kids in my neighborhood, they used to call this thing where they would knock on the door and run.

00:15:37.000 They used to call it nigger knocking.

00:15:39.000 And I didn't know that the word nigger.

00:15:42.000 So one of my times I was like in front of the class doing something, I brought up, yeah, so me and my friends like to go nigger knocking.

00:15:52.000 Under your interest of things you like to do.

00:15:54.000 Oh, no, you did not.

00:15:56.000 And I remember that I still didn't realize that that was a bad word for some time until one day I kept on using that word.

00:16:03.000 And my mom was like, listen here, this is a bad word.

00:16:07.000 But then my grandmother would be like, oh, I can't believe they still have colored cashiers at this, you know, all that.

00:16:12.000 Like, she would say the word colored all the time.

00:16:14.000 I'm like, what?

00:16:15.000 What's that about?

00:16:16.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:16:17.000 I remember one time a buddy of mine, a roommate of mine in college, we were with his grandmother.

00:16:22.000 She was really old, super, super racist from the South woman.

00:16:25.000 And they were watching TV.

00:16:27.000 I don't remember what the fuck we were watching, but she goes, hey, look at the TV.

00:16:31.000 Look at all those people with that nigger.

00:16:33.000 It's like it wasn't even a person.

00:16:34.000 It was like a totally different, like a toy.

00:16:37.000 And both of us were like, whoa, dude, your grandma hate is like super.

00:16:43.000 That's like this racism and then there's like super racism.

00:16:47.000 Yeah, that's like hanging racism.

00:16:49.000 Totally, like without even thinking about it.

00:16:51.000 You'll see those creepy, creepy fucking black and white photos from the South.

00:16:54.000 Oh, yeah, they're terribly disturbing.

00:16:56.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:16:57.000 Black people are hanging.

00:16:58.000 The white people are just standing around.

00:17:00.000 Look at them.

00:17:01.000 Just standing around looking at them.

00:17:02.000 Nobody's talking about it.

00:17:03.000 That wasn't that long ago, Joe.

00:17:04.000 Not that long ago.

00:17:05.000 And that was not that long ago.

00:17:06.000 Those same people are the same people that pose with dead deers now and chopped off legs of deers.

00:17:13.000 That's like the same kind of photos.

00:17:14.000 It's like, I'm just with dead.

00:17:15.000 That's only two generations ago.

00:17:18.000 That's only watered down two generations.

00:17:20.000 I mean, scary.

00:17:21.000 That's, you know, 40s, 50s, that shit was going down.

00:17:24.000 60s.

00:17:24.000 This shit's still going down all over the world.

00:17:26.000 You know, there's people that are chopping people up for no reason all over the world.

00:17:30.000 It's scary shit, man.

00:17:31.000 How about in Africa where they're going after albinos for witchcraft?

00:17:35.000 They're using albinos.

00:17:37.000 Witchcraft still blood.

00:17:38.000 Oh, huge.

00:17:39.000 It's a big business in Africa.

00:17:41.000 Right.

00:17:42.000 Dude, it's terrifying.

00:17:43.000 There's all these documentaries on witchcraft in Africa and all these guys who are, they do exorcisms.

00:17:49.000 People hack up their own kids because they get convinced that their kid is.

00:17:53.000 Before we go any further, our show is sponsored by the Fleshlight.

00:17:56.000 I just like to bring that up.

00:17:58.000 Fleshlight.com.

00:17:59.000 If you go to joerogan.net and enter in the code Rogan from the link, you get 15% off your flashlight.

00:18:05.000 I want to get into the fleshlight a little bit once we get to it.

00:18:07.000 I'm so happy that we have Flashlight as a sponsor now because I got a new bit.

00:18:10.000 It's a fucking monster.

00:18:11.000 It's killing them.

00:18:12.000 It's hilarious.

00:18:13.000 Killing them, son.

00:18:14.000 It's all about the flashlight.

00:18:20.000 That was a Segway Killer.

00:18:21.000 It was a Segway Killer.

00:18:23.000 Where did I leave off?

00:18:24.000 You were talking about the business of witchcraft.

00:18:27.000 And it's a huge business in Africa.

00:18:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:18:29.000 It's terrible.

00:18:30.000 It's really terrible.

00:18:31.000 These guys that are just nothing but con men.

00:18:33.000 They take these people and they convince these people that their kid has a demon inside of them.

00:18:38.000 He's a demon inside him.

00:18:40.000 I got to get it out.

00:18:41.000 And they make the kid eat awful shit.

00:18:43.000 And they do all these crazy rituals.

00:18:46.000 But basically, all they're doing is just taking money from these parents.

00:18:49.000 And they tell me, you have to give me $5,000.

00:18:52.000 If I don't have it, he's going to hell.

00:18:55.000 I mean, they have just these people just lose their fucking minds.

00:18:58.000 So it's like, you know, evangelism or something.

00:19:00.000 And they have guns.

00:19:00.000 These guys have guns, by the way.

00:19:02.000 These exorcism guys, they're like armed with AK-47s and shit.

00:19:05.000 It's crazy.

00:19:06.000 They had a thing that was like the top 10 most dangerous countries to go to.

00:19:09.000 Africa by far.

00:19:10.000 Eight of them were African.

00:19:12.000 Eight of the top 10.

00:19:13.000 And then the other two were like, you know, Middle East or right there.

00:19:16.000 Yeah.

00:19:17.000 I mean, we're all worried about what's going on in Afghanistan.

00:19:20.000 If those fucking, some of those people that are those Somali pirates, if they figure out how to get planes and start flying to other countries.

00:19:20.000 Shit.

00:19:26.000 Or just nuclear.

00:19:28.000 They get their hands on a nuclear bomb.

00:19:29.000 The one Nuclear bomb.

00:19:30.000 The Somali pirates, that situation is crazy.

00:19:33.000 They attacked a U.S. warship this week.

00:19:37.000 Did you hear about that?

00:19:38.000 Yeah, I did.

00:19:39.000 How loaked are they?

00:19:41.000 They went after a goddamn U.S. warship and they were in a raft.

00:19:46.000 Dude, that's like they shot like rockets.

00:19:50.000 They jacked everybody.

00:19:51.000 They arrested them and took all their shit and went after the mothership and sunk that.

00:19:55.000 They're like, bitch, they had a flex on people.

00:19:57.000 They sunk all right, right.

00:19:59.000 There's some other guys.

00:19:59.000 And chased down.

00:20:00.000 Apparently, they couldn't find them.

00:20:01.000 They took off.

00:20:02.000 That goes to show you how goddamn big the ocean is.

00:20:05.000 If the U.S. Coast Guard or the U.S. Navy rather can't find you, they got warships and they can't find you.

00:20:10.000 God damn, how big is this fucking ocean?

00:20:12.000 But yeah, these crazy assholes.

00:20:14.000 They fired on these fucking people in a warship.

00:20:17.000 Dude.

00:20:18.000 I mean, that shit happens a lot, though.

00:20:21.000 That's the people you got to be worried about.

00:20:23.000 People that are desperate.

00:20:24.000 So desperate.

00:20:25.000 They don't care if they die.

00:20:26.000 Do you know how that all gets started?

00:20:26.000 They don't care.

00:20:28.000 They call themselves the People's Coast Guard of Somalia or the Volunteer Coast Guard of Somalia.

00:20:34.000 And what happened was European companies were dumping a lot of toxic shit in the ocean off the coast near where they lived.

00:20:42.000 And they were just overfishing the fuck out of it.

00:20:45.000 So they're taking all these fish, dumping all the shit in the water, and they're dumping all the shit in the water.

00:20:49.000 Now it kills all the fish.

00:20:50.000 The water becomes polluted.

00:20:51.000 They can't make a living.

00:20:52.000 And so they first started kidnapping these boats that were dumping shit.

00:20:56.000 And what they were doing was taking these guys and they were bringing them and holding them for ransom because they're losing money.

00:21:01.000 They can't fish anymore.

00:21:02.000 But then once they got used to doing that and getting ransom money, they said, let's just start jacking people.

00:21:07.000 So then they turned into the Somali pirates, where it's like a big business.

00:21:12.000 And they're making millions of dollars.

00:21:13.000 And they get millions of dollars every year.

00:21:15.000 And no one knows exactly what to do with it.

00:21:17.000 And it's not like right near them.

00:21:19.000 They go hundreds and hundreds of miles out into the ocean.

00:21:22.000 And yeah, that's an impossible thing to police.

00:21:24.000 Dude, and they are loafsters.

00:21:25.000 They're ready to die.

00:21:26.000 Yeah, I mean, that's like fuck.

00:21:28.000 They're like the gangsters of the sea, literally.

00:21:30.000 Everybody around them has been dying.

00:21:32.000 It's amazing they made it this long.

00:21:33.000 The pressure of making it this long, wondering when you're going to die, is probably staggering.

00:21:37.000 Because everything they're around is like people getting shot in the head and people dying and them shooting people and 12-year-olds with fucking machine guns gunning down people just for a laugh.

00:21:37.000 Right.

00:21:46.000 I mean, that's Africa all day.

00:21:49.000 All day.

00:21:50.000 So these crazy motherfuckers are out in rafts trying to take down a U.S. warship.

00:21:55.000 That's ballsy.

00:21:55.000 That's like the barking chihuahua in like a dog park, like trying to take up a right.

00:21:59.000 But I mean, look, think about this, man.

00:22:02.000 Nothing like that is going down in Afghanistan.

00:22:05.000 I mean, we need to fucking concentrate on the really crazy places.

00:22:08.000 Mexico and Africa.

00:22:10.000 And Korea.

00:22:11.000 And Korea, too, yeah.

00:22:13.000 We got a warship that's heading to Korea right now.

00:22:15.000 Yeah, we just need to clear that whole country down.

00:22:17.000 No, South Korea is awesome.

00:22:19.000 Don't say that.

00:22:20.000 Yeah, how dare you?

00:22:21.000 Koreans are up in arms right now.

00:22:23.000 I grew up around Koreans.

00:22:23.000 Literally.

00:22:25.000 Constantly around Koreans.

00:22:26.000 Yeah, me too.

00:22:27.000 Doing Taekwondo.

00:22:28.000 I used to have to teach class in Korean.

00:22:30.000 I didn't really know how to say it.

00:22:31.000 I just knew how to say some of the moves and how to count.

00:22:34.000 I could count to like 10 in Korean.

00:22:35.000 I don't know how to do it anymore.

00:22:37.000 It's like, hana, do, set, net, dos, yos, yogo, yudu.

00:22:42.000 I don't remember how to do it right, though.

00:22:44.000 I might be saying it all wrong.

00:22:46.000 Yeah, you were like martial arts a long time.

00:22:48.000 Like Korean.

00:22:50.000 Taekwondo, taekwondo.

00:22:51.000 And then what you wanted to go to Korea.

00:22:53.000 I always wanted to go and compete there.

00:22:55.000 You're just enamored with martial arts when you were a kid?

00:22:57.000 That's how you get it.

00:22:58.000 Yeah, well, I became obsessed with Taekwondo when I was in high school.

00:23:01.000 Right.

00:23:01.000 Because it was the first thing I ever got good at.

00:23:04.000 It was like, for me, it's like my whole life.

00:23:07.000 We moved around a lot.

00:23:08.000 I didn't have friends that I didn't have friends for any long period of time because we just kept moving.

00:23:13.000 So by the time I was in high school, I had no one who was a friend.

00:23:17.000 I just constantly had moved.

00:23:19.000 So I was super insecure and I needed something to make me feel like worthwhile.

00:23:23.000 And so I started doing Taekwondo and I got obsessed with it.

00:23:25.000 And plus I was small too, and I didn't like the idea of people picking on me and fucking with me.

00:23:30.000 So I wanted to be able to beat the shit out of people.

00:23:32.000 I was like, the only way to do that is you got to learn some karate.

00:23:35.000 It's like in the movies, man.

00:23:36.000 Right, right, right.

00:23:37.000 Get some Chuck Norris love in my life.

00:23:39.000 Man, I got to fucking figure out how to fight.

00:23:41.000 This is bullshit.

00:23:42.000 I'm tired of being scared.

00:23:43.000 It's funny that, like, once you start doing that, that's generally the last thing you want to do.

00:23:47.000 Yeah, the nice thing I know are fighters or people who train.

00:23:47.000 To fight, you know what I mean?

00:23:51.000 Because they don't have to worry, first of all, they're not insecure about it.

00:23:53.000 Men are always sizing each other up and wondering what would happen if we fought, man.

00:23:57.000 Me and that guy just fucking kick his ass.

00:23:59.000 Really, they're saying that.

00:24:00.000 They don't even know what they would do.

00:24:02.000 Do you have a plan?

00:24:02.000 What are you going to do?

00:24:03.000 You're going to hit him?

00:24:04.000 You're going to knock him out with the first punch.

00:24:04.000 He's going to run away.

00:24:06.000 Like, what if he fucking dodges your punch and comes back with a counter and then shoots for a double?

00:24:10.000 Are you ready for that?

00:24:11.000 You have your sprawl ready?

00:24:13.000 Are you really ready to fight?

00:24:15.000 Do you really even know what that means?

00:24:16.000 No, most guys know.

00:24:17.000 So they're all chest puffy and talking all this shit.

00:24:20.000 It's very peacock feather shit.

00:24:22.000 Hoping to talk people down.

00:24:24.000 But people who train and actually fight, they don't have to do that.

00:24:27.000 They don't want to do that.

00:24:28.000 It's a different mentality.

00:24:29.000 The human animal is designed for conflict.

00:24:32.000 That is just a fact.

00:24:33.000 We have hardware from thousands of thousands of years ago where you had to fight off intruders and you had to kill your own food.

00:24:40.000 And that's a fact.

00:24:41.000 And the hardware that we have today, despite the fact that our life is not like that anymore and we have this complicated society that it provides us with supermarkets and traffic and all this other things we have to deal with, the bottom line is that our body is still the same fucking body that has the same reward system set up.

00:24:56.000 So it has all these ghost needs, needs to crush things, needs to kill.

00:25:00.000 That's like a satisfaction that needs to breathe.

00:25:02.000 These are rewards that you get from killing animals when you kill an animal and eat it.

00:25:06.000 This primal reward that's designed to keep you alive.

00:25:09.000 It's very similar to the same reward that you get when you fuck and you have kids.

00:25:12.000 It feels good to fuck because that's a reward system set up to make sure you fuck.

00:25:16.000 Right.

00:25:16.000 You know, I mean, it's all survival of the species.

00:25:19.000 We have this old-ass hardware, man.

00:25:21.000 There's no app for that.

00:25:23.000 And a lot of people have tension because they don't train, because they don't do martial arts, because they don't go and hit a punching bag.

00:25:23.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:25:30.000 And it doesn't mean you want to hurt people.

00:25:32.000 It doesn't mean you want to be.

00:25:33.000 It's just a release of that.

00:25:34.000 And that's a great release.

00:25:34.000 It's the same reason a lot of pedophilia and rapists, they all have that pent-up sexual energy.

00:25:40.000 They have old shit.

00:25:41.000 They don't act.

00:25:42.000 You shouldn't even think about martial arts in terms of hurting people.

00:25:45.000 When you're doing it in training, you're just playing a game.

00:25:48.000 And the game does hurt, but it's a game.

00:25:51.000 The game is you're trying to hit that person.

00:25:53.000 They're trying to hit you.

00:25:54.000 You try to get out of the way, encounter, give out the more, give out more punishment than you take, figure out a strategy that can get past them, figure out what they're doing again.

00:26:02.000 I mean, that's what it is.

00:26:03.000 It's a game of using the human body in physical contact.

00:26:07.000 But it's a satisfying game, and it does wonders for your psyche.

00:26:11.000 It does wonders for your confidence.

00:26:13.000 Yeah, it does wonders for your relaxation.

00:26:15.000 Like, whenever I get upset about something, I'll freak out about things.

00:26:18.000 I go, man, I probably should have worked out before I dealt with that.

00:26:21.000 Like this whole thing the other day where I called this guy a faggot.

00:26:24.000 I guarantee you, if I had just worked out, I went to the gym before that happened, I would have been like, who gives a fuck about this dude?

00:26:30.000 But because I wasn't, I got all fucking amped up.

00:26:33.000 I just wanted to crush something.

00:26:34.000 Right, right.

00:26:35.000 You sure it's just that you're not tired from working out that?

00:26:37.000 That's a little bit of it, too.

00:26:39.000 That's what they always say in Taekwondo.

00:26:40.000 The Taekwondo guys are always, my instructor used to say it was Korean accent.

00:26:44.000 They're always the nicest guys because they always tired from kicking each other.

00:26:49.000 He thought that was funny.

00:26:52.000 That's a good Korean laugh.

00:26:53.000 You're always sore, too, man.

00:26:54.000 You're always sore.

00:26:55.000 Like my shins, we always have these big, giant knots on them and fucking big welts and they pop and bleed and you're always clashing shins and shit.

00:27:04.000 Think about that all day.

00:27:06.000 Smashing shins into each other.

00:27:07.000 Checking kicks.

00:27:08.000 Kicking people's elbows and shit and breaking your feet.

00:27:11.000 I broke my feet up at least twice on my left foot.

00:27:15.000 So annoying, man.

00:27:16.000 You break your foot.

00:27:17.000 You can't do shit for a long time, too.

00:27:19.000 And you don't even get it fixed.

00:27:20.000 They don't even do anything.

00:27:21.000 They just go, yeah, you got a broken foot.

00:27:24.000 Okay.

00:27:25.000 Something cracked.

00:27:26.000 And it just, I mean, unless it's like some compound, serious fractures that are going to require massive surgery.

00:27:31.000 They just go, yeah, heal up, dude.

00:27:32.000 You got to crack on that.

00:27:33.000 Yeah.

00:27:34.000 See you in two months.

00:27:35.000 He does a new character now called Sticky Fingers Gonzalez.

00:27:39.000 Sticky Fingers Gonzalez.

00:27:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:40.000 He loved that expression.

00:27:41.000 Sticky fingers.

00:27:42.000 That was in another context before the show.

00:27:45.000 We're talking about that.

00:27:46.000 And it's so funny because the whole point of it is that somebody would go on stage, Whitney Cummings.

00:27:52.000 There's a video with Whitney Cummings doing her act.

00:27:55.000 And then next he comes up dressed up as sticky fingers and just does her whole act.

00:28:00.000 Yeah, you're doing it at the naughty show.

00:28:02.000 I go up after every comic and I do bastardize their jokes.

00:28:06.000 No one's like, I wrote this a couple days ago.

00:28:06.000 Oh, that's great.

00:28:09.000 You do it with the Mexicans.

00:28:10.000 We got a poncho, sombrero, sunglasses.

00:28:10.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:13.000 How dare you.

00:28:14.000 Fake mustache.

00:28:15.000 Pretty funny.

00:28:15.000 Dare you.

00:28:16.000 That's very funny, dude.

00:28:17.000 Yeah.

00:28:17.000 It's very funny.

00:28:18.000 It's very funny.

00:28:18.000 You know, it's funny.

00:28:19.000 We used to do a thing back in Boston.

00:28:22.000 Shit, I forget what his name was.

00:28:24.000 Kevin Riley, I think, was the host.

00:28:26.000 Kevin, something, Kevin, shit.

00:28:29.000 Kevin Flynn.

00:28:30.000 Kevin Flynn was the host, a Boston comedian.

00:28:31.000 And he used to do this thing called Joe Biden Night.

00:28:35.000 Because back in 1988, a lot of people don't realize this because Joe Biden is our current vice president.

00:28:40.000 But Joe Biden ran for president.

00:28:42.000 And when he ran for president, they found out that he had plagiarized like a ton of his fucking speeches from Kennedy, from JFK.

00:28:51.000 He was repeating shit.

00:28:52.000 And nobody knows any of his speeches.

00:28:54.000 People were like, God damn, where I heard this before.

00:28:56.000 This guy's got a good writer, but fuck, you know, this is ringing a bell.

00:29:00.000 And so somebody went back and checked it, checked the transcript.

00:29:03.000 They had to check transcripts back then.

00:29:05.000 Right, imagine now.

00:29:06.000 You can't get away with shit now.

00:29:07.000 You can't get away with shit.

00:29:08.000 People still try.

00:29:09.000 That guy that Palin was supporting had plagiarized JFK, too.

00:29:12.000 So anyway, so we used to do Joe Biden night at the Stitches in Boston, where everybody would get up and do somebody else's act.

00:29:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:29:20.000 That guy's the vice president now, and he was such a big joke in 1988 that we had a night at a comedy club dedicated to him.

00:29:20.000 It's funny.

00:29:27.000 Right.

00:29:28.000 A while back, my buddy Brian Jarvis, a very friendly comedian, we were talking about doing a stand-up karaoke night where it's like you can pull other comics names out of a hat or something, and you have to try to plow through their fucking famous bits or whatever the fuck.

00:29:41.000 Who would you do if you had to do anybody?

00:29:43.000 Sheesh, boy, that's a good one.

00:29:45.000 Mine is so easy.

00:29:45.000 I know.

00:29:46.000 Who's yours?

00:29:47.000 Joe Diaz.

00:29:48.000 Oh, dude, you had the best.

00:29:49.000 They had the best Diaz.

00:29:51.000 Dude, I was in Ann Arbor, Michigan last week, and people were calling out for Joe Diaz' impressions.

00:29:56.000 Oh, dude, it's a home run impression.

00:29:58.000 I was listening to the podcast before, and you were telling Joey Diaz stories, and you were talking about how you were in Jersey after Vegas, and then the phone rang, and you didn't know where the fuck he was.

00:30:07.000 He was like, I'm not going to lie to you.

00:30:08.000 I'm still in Vegas, cock soccer.

00:30:10.000 I never left Vegas.

00:30:11.000 You know what's going to happen?

00:30:12.000 Pretty much, you're going to start doing 20 minutes of your act as Joey Diaz.

00:30:16.000 And then Joey Diaz is not going to have to do anything, leave the house anymore.

00:30:20.000 We'll just go on stage.

00:30:21.000 We'll wheel him out in one of those little scooters, and he can wave to the crowd, and I'll talk.

00:30:25.000 So when he has his first stroke, I'll just do a little bit more.

00:30:27.000 Dude, Diaz looks great.

00:30:28.000 He and I wear this gig.

00:30:30.000 He's going to look incredible, man.

00:30:30.000 He's just 100 pounds.

00:30:32.000 He's going to lease out his name, though, like Gallagher to you.

00:30:34.000 We're going to do a fucking cartoon, cocksucker.

00:30:36.000 That's what we're going to do.

00:30:37.000 A cartoon.

00:30:38.000 If we did a cartoon, I would just do his voice for the whole cartoon.

00:30:40.000 He wouldn't do anything but collect chats.

00:30:42.000 He wouldn't even have to do the voice.

00:30:43.000 He would have to do meetings.

00:30:44.000 Maybe he'd do tours.

00:30:46.000 This is Joey Coco Diaz's tour.

00:30:48.000 This is where I live.

00:30:49.000 This is where I feed my cats.

00:30:50.000 Radio promos.

00:30:51.000 We went down the street.

00:30:52.000 This fucking guy right here has got the best weed.

00:30:54.000 He'd just have ideas for the cartoon and shit.

00:30:56.000 He needs ringtones.

00:30:57.000 Oh, he's got the cat stone.

00:30:58.000 He should have everything.

00:30:59.000 Dude, he just has to have ringtones.

00:31:00.000 It's just like, rrrrrr.

00:31:01.000 Almost all of our friends.

00:31:02.000 Answer your phone, cocksucker.

00:31:04.000 Almost all of our friends have Joe Diaz as the outgoing message.

00:31:07.000 Like when you call Eddie, Eddie Bravo has the fucking best outgoing voicemail message ever.

00:31:12.000 Yeah, I had it going voicemail.

00:31:13.000 It's all Joey going fucking crazy.

00:31:17.000 Joey going crazy.

00:31:19.000 My client, Eddie Bravo, is busy.

00:31:22.000 He ain't got time for your bullshit and your questions.

00:31:25.000 And oh, I keep getting rounded and pounded.

00:31:27.000 Buy the fucking book.

00:31:29.000 Learn the rubber god.

00:31:30.000 Practice it.

00:31:31.000 Shove the book up your ass.

00:31:32.000 But no more stupid fucking questions.

00:31:36.000 Only text messages.

00:31:37.000 My favorite thing he does is when he does his girl voice or his gay voice where he suddenly just changes.

00:31:42.000 I keep getting rounded and pounded.

00:31:45.000 Dude, it's fucking.

00:31:46.000 Buy the book.

00:31:47.000 Shove the book up your ass.

00:31:49.000 Dude, he's going insane.

00:31:50.000 I've heard the message.

00:31:51.000 I've called Eddie.

00:31:52.000 Eddie's had that message for like five years.

00:31:54.000 I've called it over and over and over again.

00:31:56.000 I still laugh every goddamn time I hear it.

00:31:58.000 Yeah, that's when you know you've got a good one when people don't even want you to change it.

00:32:01.000 Oh, please.

00:32:02.000 And meanwhile, Eddie is like a professional jiu-jitsu instructor, and he has people calling him up about business.

00:32:09.000 And this is the message that he has outgoing.

00:32:11.000 And that's how much he likes it.

00:32:12.000 He likes it so much.

00:32:13.000 He's like, yeah, I'm going to keep it.

00:32:16.000 No, it's right there on the title.

00:32:18.000 Buy the book, shove it up in their ass.

00:32:20.000 And he was going crazy, red face, spit flying.

00:32:23.000 You could hear it all.

00:32:24.000 Dude, he's about Diaz is one of those comics that it's like, no matter who you are, it's like following Diaz.

00:32:29.000 You're just like, well, let me just roll up my sleeves.

00:32:31.000 I bring him everywhere.

00:32:32.000 I bring him everywhere.

00:32:33.000 It's the most fun.

00:32:34.000 It's the most fun because when I go on stage, the audience is already howling.

00:32:37.000 By the way, Joe Diaz and I are going to be doing a New Year show at Mandalay Bay.

00:32:41.000 And we just picked this up.

00:32:43.000 It's a big fucking place.

00:32:45.000 It's like 1,700 seats.

00:32:48.000 And so you're going to hear me talking about it some more.

00:32:51.000 If it gets annoying, it's just because I have to sell 1,700 tickets.

00:32:54.000 But it is the weekend of the UFC.

00:32:58.000 So the night before, it's New Year's, and then there's a UFC the next day.

00:33:02.000 So you're going to get hung over watching dudes get fucking pounded on.

00:33:05.000 New Year's Day, there's a UFC?

00:33:06.000 Yeah, there's New Year's Day on January 1st.

00:33:08.000 That's the Saturday, and New Year's Eve is a Friday night.

00:33:11.000 So it'll be me and Joe Diaz at some new theater thing that they got going on at Mandalay Bay.

00:33:17.000 Bad.

00:33:17.000 Yeah, it's going to be fun as bad.

00:33:18.000 It's going to be fun as fuck.

00:33:19.000 I'm trying to think of other shit we could do.

00:33:21.000 I was going to bring a DJ.

00:33:22.000 I was going to bring a DJ on stage because I heard that Russell Peters does that, and it's kind of fun.

00:33:26.000 And I was like, maybe that would be fun at the end of the night, have like a fucking cool DJ, but they don't want to do anything like that.

00:33:31.000 You have to clear the place out.

00:33:32.000 So I'm trying to think of what else.

00:33:33.000 You know, it's a New Year show.

00:33:35.000 We've got to think of something that makes it more interesting instead of just a show.

00:33:40.000 Videos.

00:33:41.000 Maybe.

00:33:42.000 How about I come on stage and fuck a flashlight?

00:33:45.000 Or how about doing a live show?

00:33:46.000 Just fucking threw his head into the ring.

00:33:48.000 Hey, or do a live show.

00:33:49.000 Just putting it out there.

00:33:50.000 Do a live podcast.

00:33:51.000 Oh, that's a good idea.

00:33:52.000 Yeah, maybe, but the problem is Vegas is so fucking short attention span.

00:33:58.000 It's not really the place to do a podcast.

00:34:01.000 Because if we're all on stage just shooting shit about things, there's going to be people yelling.

00:34:06.000 I mean, we maybe could do that.

00:34:06.000 It's going to be weird.

00:34:08.000 Let's get MC Chris.

00:34:09.000 MC Chris.

00:34:10.000 But see, what I'm saying is if we maybe did that, then it would be hard to get up and do stand-up.

00:34:15.000 It would be hard to just go up and go and just start doing your act afterwards.

00:34:19.000 Because you'd be like, okay.

00:34:19.000 It would be weird.

00:34:20.000 It's a whole change of pay.

00:34:21.000 It'd be a whole fucking thing.

00:34:22.000 Yeah, it'd be like, all of a sudden, I'm in fucking performance mode.

00:34:25.000 Who is this?

00:34:26.000 Hey, you for news.

00:34:28.000 What about MC Chris?

00:34:29.000 What about him?

00:34:30.000 I wonder if he would do it.

00:34:31.000 He's your type of music.

00:34:32.000 He's a fun party, though.

00:34:34.000 I'm sure he is.

00:34:34.000 I'm sure.

00:34:37.000 If I wanted music, though, I would want some rock and roll.

00:34:40.000 I'd want some crazy band.

00:34:42.000 I would like those 70s guys, Steel Panther.

00:34:45.000 I'd love them to do it, but I'm sure they've got their own gig.

00:34:48.000 Yeah, I'm sure they do.

00:34:49.000 Those guys are angry.

00:34:50.000 They kill, dude.

00:34:51.000 They've been killing for a long time.

00:34:52.000 That's a fun thing.

00:34:53.000 I think they have a television show in development now.

00:34:55.000 Do they?

00:34:56.000 Isn't it crazy that that just came back with the thunder?

00:34:56.000 Yeah, I think I heard that.

00:35:00.000 Right.

00:35:00.000 It used to be being, you know, like someone who was into that music was embarrassing.

00:35:05.000 Dude, everything does that, though.

00:35:07.000 Everything does that.

00:35:08.000 I don't know if it used to happen that way.

00:35:11.000 I think this is a fairly new phenomenon.

00:35:13.000 That's why I'm going to wait till the word faggot comes back in.

00:35:15.000 I'm just going to hold on to it.

00:35:17.000 Yeah, it's not coming back.

00:35:19.000 The world's getting softer.

00:35:21.000 As life gets easier and easier, people come up with more things to be upset about.

00:35:26.000 I mean, if life is very, very hard, you don't waste your time on bullshit.

00:35:30.000 You don't think about bullshit if you've got a lot of shit going on in your life.

00:35:33.000 But when life gets easy and it's easy to get food and it's easy to get fat, and it's easy to be lazy, and it's easy to do a job that you don't really like and waste your time away, then you start looking for things to get mad at.

00:35:45.000 Then you start going, I don't like your tone.

00:35:47.000 Well, and also, like, if I can bitch about you and what you're doing, it takes the light off of anything that I'm talking to.

00:35:47.000 Right.

00:35:53.000 Point your fingers, you know?

00:35:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:54.000 You're a piece of shit.

00:35:55.000 If I can make you look bad, you have no idea how bad I look.

00:35:58.000 Yeah, that's a weird thing when you have a disagreement with someone and you say, hey, man, like, why are you, you know, you're doing this?

00:36:04.000 This is kind of fucking me up.

00:36:05.000 Yeah, but you always fucking do this with that.

00:36:08.000 What's up with that?

00:36:09.000 And you go, we're not even talking about that.

00:36:10.000 We're talking about you right now.

00:36:12.000 That's textbook.

00:36:13.000 Yeah, why are you going immediately to jumping, pointing the finger at me, trying to even the score?

00:36:17.000 Now, if you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk about it if you don't want to talk, obviously it's your fucking podcast.

00:36:20.000 But so what prompted you to just passively just be like, shut up, faggot or whatever the fuck happened?

00:36:28.000 I just talked about it.

00:36:29.000 I talked douchebags like that all the time with this guy in the end.

00:36:31.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:31.000 What happened?

00:36:32.000 What's the whole thing?

00:36:34.000 I already sort of talked about it.

00:36:35.000 It's just a, this is what it's all about.

00:36:37.000 It's about negative mixed martial arts reporters.

00:36:40.000 There's a few of these guys that are trying to do this sort of Jim Rome thing where they're trying to like insult guys and say the most insulting shit possible.

00:36:47.000 That's like their whole shtick.

00:36:49.000 The problem is you're dealing with someone who's putting their emotions, their physical health, their future, and possibly the quality of their thinking on the line every time they step into that cage.

00:37:01.000 There's nothing more normal.

00:37:02.000 And these guys who are reporting on it are making a living off of these guys taking these chances and performing.

00:37:08.000 And you must respect that.

00:37:10.000 In my world, I think that is one of the most important things.

00:37:12.000 It's like, that's someone who's very vulnerable.

00:37:15.000 I mean, it doesn't seem like they are because of these destroyers and these killers.

00:37:18.000 That's a very vulnerable place to be.

00:37:20.000 And, you know, to be shitty and to be douchey to these guys and to do it anonymously, and do it as a person who doesn't know anything about martial arts.

00:37:29.000 And this is my problem.

00:37:31.000 I hate that shit.

00:37:32.000 It drives me nuts.

00:37:33.000 And this guy is like the worst guy ever at it.

00:37:36.000 He's like his whole, all of his stuff he writes is like negative.

00:37:39.000 All of it is insane.

00:37:40.000 It's like the Perez Hilton of UFC.

00:37:42.000 Exactly.

00:37:43.000 And he's doing it his shtick.

00:37:46.000 Well, he picked on me.

00:37:48.000 And he picked on me about something.

00:37:49.000 He said that I was incorrect about a technique, which I was correct about.

00:37:53.000 So I just decided, you know what, I'm tired of this guy's bullshit.

00:37:55.000 So I just attack him.

00:37:56.000 Right, right, right.

00:37:57.000 So I just, you know, I called him a faggot, which probably negated in a lot of people's eyes all the positive things that I've said.

00:38:03.000 They're like, oh, he's a homie.

00:38:04.000 But dude, that's a good end.

00:38:05.000 But that's how I felt.

00:38:06.000 You know, I mean, that's what I'm saying.

00:38:08.000 And, you know, and look, you know, and people are like, what do you hate that guy?

00:38:12.000 Like, I don't hate anybody.

00:38:13.000 I just don't want him to behave that way.

00:38:14.000 I don't know him.

00:38:15.000 He might not be anything like that.

00:38:17.000 That Thomas Rios guy might be a nice guy, and that might be just what he's trying to do.

00:38:21.000 I have no idea.

00:38:22.000 I don't hate him, but I hate that form of journalism.

00:38:25.000 It's a terrible thing.

00:38:27.000 It's unfair.

00:38:27.000 It's wrong.

00:38:29.000 It's putting out all this negative energy for no reason.

00:38:32.000 Yeah, and I have no problem with people critiquing people's technique.

00:38:32.000 Yeah, sensationalism.

00:38:36.000 Like if you say, you know, say if you're talking about a particular fighter, well, he never really developed outside of the one-dimensional wrestling type fighter.

00:38:42.000 He's never really developed a stand-up.

00:38:44.000 He just likes to take guys down and beat them.

00:38:45.000 If that's just a fact, that's just a fact.

00:38:48.000 But this is not what this guy's doing.

00:38:50.000 It's like insulting.

00:38:52.000 Like, he's saying really shitty, nasty things about people.

00:38:55.000 And then when they lose, like, he'll tweet them and say, like, see, I told you.

00:39:00.000 Like, he was.

00:39:01.000 That guy's just waiting to get his back taken out of Rouse.

00:39:03.000 Two heavyweights, Matt Mitrione and Joey Beltron.

00:39:06.000 All right, two cool motherfuckers, too, by the way.

00:39:09.000 Joey Beltron is the shit.

00:39:11.000 That guy is a cool dude.

00:39:12.000 He's like a really, really nice guy.

00:39:14.000 And he's a DJ in his spare time.

00:39:16.000 He does like bar mitzvahs and shit.

00:39:18.000 Okay, my man's out there grinding.

00:39:20.000 And this guy's just talking about how he's going to get fucked up and how he doesn't belong in the ring with his other guys.

00:39:20.000 All right.

00:39:25.000 And the way he said it was super douchey.

00:39:27.000 So Joey Beltron responds, and even how he responds to it is like, yeah, thanks a lot.

00:39:32.000 That's a lot of help or something along those lines.

00:39:34.000 And then after he loses, this dude sends a tweet out that was something like, you know, apology accepted.

00:39:34.000 Right.

00:39:34.000 Just kind of like that.

00:39:42.000 Because I was right.

00:39:43.000 You got your ass kicked.

00:39:44.000 It's like, man, you're just fucking with a vulnerable person, man.

00:39:48.000 And also a vulnerable person that can kick your fucking ass.

00:39:48.000 For no reason.

00:39:51.000 Yeah, and it's like I said, there's nothing wrong with critiquing their technique or critiquing even their character, their behavior if they're acting in a certain way and they're acting douchey or something like that.

00:40:00.000 There's nothing wrong with being honest.

00:40:01.000 But when you just start, everything is just attacking and negative.

00:40:05.000 There's no joy and praise.

00:40:06.000 Like, what are you even watching this shit for?

00:40:08.000 You know, you're not even, it doesn't even seem like you're enjoying it.

00:40:10.000 Well, he's just trying to make a name for it.

00:40:12.000 I mean, it's a great analogy you said of Jim Rome, but because do you remember when Jim Rome got famous?

00:40:16.000 Yes, for doing that.

00:40:17.000 Was when he was with Jim Everett, was a quarterback of the Rams.

00:40:21.000 And he had him on the show, and he kept calling him Chris for like his radio show.

00:40:26.000 And Jim came onto the show pissed off, and he's like, you know, I'm here to set this record straight.

00:40:30.000 You're going to quit doing that.

00:40:32.000 And he did it right in front of him.

00:40:33.000 Yeah, he's like, whatever, Chris.

00:40:34.000 And he's like, say it again.

00:40:36.000 And he waited for like three seconds and then he goes, Chris.

00:40:41.000 And fucking Everett flips the table over on him and like jumped on him.

00:40:44.000 And dude, he was famous ever since then.

00:40:46.000 This guy's just waiting for somebody to fucking throw one punch at him.

00:40:50.000 So he's all in the news.

00:40:51.000 First of all, you can't compare Jim Rome to an internet blogger.

00:40:54.000 Yeah, but you know what I'm saying, though.

00:40:55.000 But that's the best thing that can happen to this fucking asshole.

00:40:57.000 Well, it's not even a fucking shit.

00:40:58.000 I don't know if he's an asshole.

00:40:58.000 I'll take him back.

00:41:00.000 It's this thing where they're trying to just get attention only by just negative shit.

00:41:07.000 There's no joy for it.

00:41:09.000 And it can work for some guys.

00:41:10.000 Like it worked for Rome.

00:41:11.000 I mean, it can work for some guys.

00:41:13.000 But it's, you know, it's fucking shitty, man.

00:41:16.000 It's shitty.

00:41:17.000 And there's a big difference between a guy losing a basketball game, which sucks, and a guy getting his ass kicked.

00:41:24.000 Okay, I guarantee you, nobody has felt worse than Brock Lesnar after Kane Velasquez beat the fuck out of him.

00:41:30.000 Probably no one that's ever lived.

00:41:31.000 That's about as bad.

00:41:32.000 I mean, outside of losing a loved one, that's about as bad as you can feel.

00:41:36.000 Physically and emotionally.

00:41:37.000 Physically and emotionally.

00:41:38.000 Probably more so than that.

00:41:40.000 Yeah, it's as bad as being fired from a job you love.

00:41:42.000 I mean, he just got the fuck beat out of him and humiliated by a guy who's smaller than him, and he's this big, giant fucking Goliath of a man.

00:41:51.000 And a heavy favorite.

00:41:52.000 He was pretty heavy favorite, like three to one or something.

00:41:54.000 Yeah, you got to respect that, man.

00:41:55.000 You know, you got to appreciate the fact that this guy took this crazy fucking chance.

00:41:59.000 And yeah, he did it for money.

00:42:00.000 And yeah, you know, this is what he chose to do for a living.

00:42:02.000 That's absolutely true.

00:42:03.000 But no one feels that bad if they lose a basketball game.

00:42:06.000 You want to shit on basketball players?

00:42:08.000 It's really a different thing, man.

00:42:09.000 Right, totally.

00:42:10.000 Even then, you know, you shouldn't be doing that.

00:42:11.000 Critique their character, critique their technique, critique their ability to perform.

00:42:16.000 That's all well and good.

00:42:17.000 But we start just insulting people and just wanting them to feel like shit, you know, with your commentary.

00:42:24.000 Right, right.

00:42:24.000 Totally being inconsiderate of this person's feelings.

00:42:28.000 It's like everybody knows that guy.

00:42:28.000 Right.

00:42:30.000 Which, by the way, we've all been guilty as comics of doing that of someone.

00:42:33.000 I'm sure you've made fun of someone.

00:42:35.000 But I mean, you know, that's a little bit different.

00:42:35.000 Yeah, sure.

00:42:38.000 I mean, you can make it about people.

00:42:41.000 I've said some mean shit.

00:42:42.000 I've said some mean shit in the past about people in the sake of comedy that I wouldn't say now.

00:42:46.000 You know, I just think about it different now.

00:42:48.000 You mean in stand-up you wouldn't say it now?

00:42:50.000 Yeah.

00:42:51.000 Like now I look at it and I go, what do I give a fuck about if that guy's doing this?

00:42:54.000 Well, I feel like a lot of that is like growth in your own act as an artist and stuff.

00:42:59.000 Early on, you start, you know, that's something you probably do earlier than later when, you know, when you start getting better at stand-up and you start getting better at well, it's also you just consider why am I upset at this guy?

00:43:08.000 You know, I know it's just a Jerry Shiva joke.

00:43:11.000 Or what's a chief joke or a chief shiv?

00:43:12.000 I never had any Jerry Shivo jokes, but the Hugh Hefner joke.

00:43:20.000 I wouldn't do that one if I had a chance to do it today.

00:43:22.000 Really?

00:43:23.000 That's such a funny joke.

00:43:25.000 Because you're not really playing him, you're playing a character of him.

00:43:28.000 I would do it differently.

00:43:30.000 I don't know.

00:43:31.000 But I would not do the Anna Nicole Smith one.

00:43:34.000 She doesn't get a pass.

00:43:34.000 That one.

00:43:35.000 Yeah.

00:43:37.000 There's a few people that own it, though.

00:43:39.000 When you start fucking a billionaire, I'm okay.

00:43:42.000 An old billionaire.

00:43:43.000 An old billionaire.

00:43:44.000 Did she really get the money, though?

00:43:46.000 She kind of died before that all worked out.

00:43:46.000 Whatever happened with that?

00:43:48.000 Well, yeah, I think she died.

00:43:50.000 I think she overdosed before when all those litigation, like, her family was like, we're going to sue you to the end of time.

00:43:56.000 This thing killed her, bro.

00:43:58.000 Maybe.

00:43:59.000 They're that rich.

00:44:00.000 They could have easily killed her.

00:44:01.000 That's Texas money, right?

00:44:02.000 That's Texas.

00:44:02.000 I mean, Texas assassins.

00:44:04.000 You could indirectly.

00:44:05.000 I mean, even if they didn't indirectly, they probably drove her to fucking, let's just keep this in the courts till she kills herself.

00:44:11.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:44:12.000 I mean, she's, you know, like, she's that type anyway.

00:44:15.000 I mean, obviously.

00:44:16.000 It's also weird that her son died, too.

00:44:18.000 I always found that weird.

00:44:20.000 Whoa, what if you find out this is like some crazy conspiracy?

00:44:24.000 It probably is.

00:44:25.000 I believe that more than Tower 7.

00:44:27.000 We should call Alex Jones up right now.

00:44:30.000 We should call up Alex Jones right now.

00:44:30.000 Yeah, right?

00:44:32.000 What the fuck?

00:44:33.000 Is that your Alex Jones impression?

00:44:34.000 Oh, no, that was Joey Diaz.

00:44:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:39.000 He has like Joey Diaz Tourette's over here.

00:44:41.000 When is that video coming up?

00:44:43.000 What the fuck?

00:44:44.000 Yeah.

00:44:44.000 The one I'm doing now?

00:44:45.000 Is that the one where he was on the radio show?

00:44:46.000 Yes.

00:44:47.000 Just lost it.

00:44:48.000 Greatest thing that's ever happened.

00:44:49.000 I'm editing a part right now that's pretty funny.

00:44:53.000 It has to do with censoring words where we went to a radio station and they wouldn't let Joe say the word retard, which we thought was.

00:45:01.000 But he could say everything else but?

00:45:03.000 No, you can't say everything else, but retard's a new one that you can say.

00:45:07.000 Wow.

00:45:08.000 People call it the R word now.

00:45:11.000 Oh, the R word.

00:45:13.000 I'm dead serious.

00:45:14.000 I've gotten tweets.

00:45:15.000 So faggot replaced the F word replaced the N-word, and now the R-word's replacing the F-word.

00:45:21.000 Yeah, I said something about MySpace that I went back and looked at my MySpace page, and I felt like it was an abandoned child that I left in a retarded forest.

00:45:32.000 That's what I wrote.

00:45:33.000 And people.

00:45:34.000 It starts raining down on you.

00:45:36.000 I got a bunch of tweets.

00:45:37.000 I can't believe you used the R word.

00:45:40.000 I'm not kidding, man.

00:45:40.000 I'm not kidding.

00:45:41.000 It's the fucking R word.

00:45:42.000 Like, when I was a kid, oh, they said that in the tweet.

00:45:44.000 The R word?

00:45:45.000 Yeah.

00:45:46.000 I can't believe you used the R word.

00:45:47.000 That's what my mom used to say to me if I did something wrong.

00:45:52.000 Don't be a retard.

00:45:53.000 Is it right?

00:45:54.000 Is that right?

00:45:54.000 Is there gay homosexuals?

00:45:57.000 What?

00:45:58.000 You mean retarded homosexuals?

00:45:59.000 Like retarded faggots.

00:46:00.000 But you said gay homosexuals.

00:46:01.000 I said gay homosexuals.

00:46:04.000 I mean, handicap homosexuals.

00:46:06.000 You're too high talking right now.

00:46:07.000 Yeah, right.

00:46:08.000 There's got to be.

00:46:09.000 There's got to be.

00:46:09.000 Handicapped gay people.

00:46:10.000 I'm sure there are.

00:46:11.000 You think?

00:46:11.000 Yeah, of course.

00:46:12.000 Well, maybe, yeah, I don't know.

00:46:14.000 I guarantee it.

00:46:15.000 It makes sense.

00:46:17.000 What a shit roll of the dice that is.

00:46:18.000 Yeah, I just wonder if it works then, right?

00:46:20.000 It just seems like that would be something that you would have to be 100% to know that you're gay.

00:46:25.000 I wonder if there's such a thing.

00:46:26.000 I got a definition of queer.

00:46:28.000 Some fella on the underground told me what queer is because, you know, one of the acronyms of lesbian, it's like LBG TQ.

00:46:38.000 Q stands for queer.

00:46:40.000 And queer means not particularly attracted to anything, attracted to whatever.

00:46:46.000 Like sometimes it'll be a different thing.

00:46:47.000 It's like bisexual.

00:46:48.000 Okay, well, how is that different than bisexual?

00:46:50.000 Right.

00:46:51.000 How is that different than bisexual?

00:46:52.000 No, that's.

00:46:53.000 It's the same thing, right?

00:46:54.000 It's just ignorant.

00:46:56.000 This is just showing you what a bunch of fucking pussies we are that somebody let them put that in.

00:47:01.000 That someone said, well, isn't bisexual enough?

00:47:04.000 Don't we have enough letters?

00:47:05.000 I'm not represented.

00:47:05.000 No, no, no.

00:47:07.000 Right.

00:47:07.000 I'm queer.

00:47:08.000 I'm not decisive.

00:47:09.000 I'm not enough to be bisexual.

00:47:10.000 I'm not bisexual.

00:47:11.000 Meanwhile, most offensive gay voice ever.

00:47:12.000 There it is.

00:47:13.000 Right, right, right.

00:47:14.000 Here it is.

00:47:17.000 This is my gay voice from now on.

00:47:19.000 I'm going to do a gay voice like a businessman.

00:47:21.000 That's my gay voice from now on.

00:47:23.000 Or you should do like don't feel represented.

00:47:28.000 Mind type is queer.

00:47:30.000 I like it in the butt.

00:47:31.000 Right.

00:47:32.000 Yeah.

00:47:32.000 No, not always.

00:47:33.000 He likes it wherever he likes it.

00:47:35.000 Sometimes.

00:47:35.000 In my mouth, sometimes up my ass.

00:47:37.000 It's like, what can I mean?

00:47:39.000 That's just someone just pushing it.

00:47:41.000 That's what that is.

00:47:42.000 That's pushing it.

00:47:43.000 You can't tell me that's different than bisexual.

00:47:45.000 Dude, people just want to label.

00:47:46.000 People have to label you.

00:47:48.000 How could you call queer?

00:47:49.000 How is that different than bisexual?

00:47:51.000 There's no argument.

00:47:52.000 If that's the definition.

00:47:53.000 If that's the definition.

00:47:55.000 There's no difference.

00:47:56.000 I'm going basically, by the way, just off some dude on a message board.

00:47:59.000 Yeah.

00:48:00.000 He's probably not the most reliable shit.

00:48:01.000 I've heard himself.

00:48:02.000 But there's something about it, man.

00:48:04.000 I'm like, I think that might be correct, man.

00:48:07.000 It just sounded so good.

00:48:07.000 I don't know.

00:48:08.000 Because growing up, I always thought, and you know, this is just, I mean, I don't know where this came from in my head, but growing up for me, queer was always just like, you're just not quite straight.

00:48:17.000 You know what I mean?

00:48:17.000 You're not totally gay, but you're not.

00:48:19.000 You're definitely not.

00:48:20.000 I grew up queer in Boston was another version of faggots.

00:48:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:26.000 This game's queer.

00:48:27.000 This game's queer.

00:48:28.000 And there was no R. Queer.

00:48:29.000 That in Min May.

00:48:30.000 There's no R's in the Embostin May bloggers queer.

00:48:33.000 It was never like, look at these queers over here.

00:48:35.000 Like, if there was a bunch of gay guys, that would sound odd.

00:48:37.000 If there was a bunch of gay guys, it would be like, you know, a lot of guys would say faggots.

00:48:42.000 A lot of guys would say.

00:48:43.000 They wouldn't say queers.

00:48:44.000 Or fags.

00:48:45.000 Faggots wasn't big for me growing up.

00:48:47.000 That wasn't a big word.

00:48:48.000 Queer was, but faggots was kind of more like college.

00:48:52.000 Well, it's more.

00:48:52.000 Yeah.

00:48:54.000 Homos was a big one, too.

00:48:55.000 Homos got that.

00:48:55.000 Yeah.

00:48:56.000 But even that was like the same thing.

00:48:59.000 It really is.

00:49:00.000 I mean, there's really no argument that it's not like a desensitizing sort of an attitude to use all these different gay slurs.

00:49:08.000 There's really no argument.

00:49:09.000 But why are they so fun to use?

00:49:11.000 It's annoying.

00:49:11.000 Right.

00:49:12.000 You know why?

00:49:13.000 It's because of what you said earlier.

00:49:14.000 It's like when you're growing up as a kid, it's just fun.

00:49:17.000 You forbid me saying it.

00:49:18.000 Yeah, right.

00:49:19.000 It's taboo.

00:49:20.000 So then it becomes a part of your vernacular.

00:49:22.000 It becomes a part of your vernacular.

00:49:23.000 So, you know, as an adult, it's just like ingrained in you to be like, throw it out there because it has that edge to it.

00:49:29.000 It's got an extra notch.

00:49:30.000 It's got an extra notch that fuck.

00:49:32.000 Like, cunt has an extra notch.

00:49:34.000 That's why I like using cunt.

00:49:35.000 I love it.

00:49:36.000 One of my favorite words, yep.

00:49:37.000 You dumb cunt.

00:49:38.000 Tuck me out, bro.

00:49:39.000 Bottom of the barrel, dude, cunt.

00:49:39.000 That's all calling you.

00:49:41.000 You call somebody a dumb cunt.

00:49:42.000 The look is great.

00:49:44.000 I've had to shut her up.

00:49:46.000 Say, unfollow.

00:49:47.000 I cannot believe you use such derogatory language towards women.

00:49:50.000 Meanwhile, I was talking about a dude.

00:49:52.000 I was talking about a dude.

00:49:52.000 Right.

00:49:53.000 And I had people unfollow me because I use the word cunt.

00:49:56.000 But I use the word cunt at least once a week just to weed out the bitches.

00:49:59.000 Anybody's on my Twitter and you can't handle cunt?

00:50:02.000 Get out of there.

00:50:03.000 Get.

00:50:04.000 Right.

00:50:04.000 Because people assume that most people, you know, Twitter, if they're in the public eye, it's not going to really represent how they actually talk.

00:50:10.000 They give you some, like, when was the last time Ashton Kutcher said cunt in his Twitter?

00:50:10.000 Most people.

00:50:14.000 You know what I mean?

00:50:14.000 I'm sure.

00:50:15.000 You hang out with Ashton Kutcher and you have a couple drinks and smoke a joint with him.

00:50:19.000 He's going to cunt that.

00:50:20.000 You know, he's going to talk about this dumb cunt.

00:50:20.000 Yeah, of course.

00:50:23.000 I mean, not everybody does, man.

00:50:24.000 And all the queers.

00:50:25.000 He probably says queer a lot.

00:50:27.000 It's fun.

00:50:27.000 These queer cunts.

00:50:28.000 I mean, I think the women that get upset at that, women get upset at using the word cunt.

00:50:33.000 Those are extra cunty.

00:50:34.000 Those women are brutal.

00:50:35.000 That's who I'm talking about.

00:50:36.000 They're brutal.

00:50:37.000 They must be brutal.

00:50:38.000 Do you care?

00:50:39.000 Give me a chick that likes to be called a cunt in a sack and not especially when you're talking about one particular chick.

00:50:45.000 You're talking about a particular chick.

00:50:47.000 You can't call a particular one a cunt.

00:50:49.000 That degrades the entire population of humans with vaginas.

00:50:53.000 Really?

00:50:54.000 That's ridiculous.

00:50:55.000 It's like me being upset if you call some guy a douchebag or call some guy a dick.

00:51:00.000 What guy would stand up and go, I can't believe you're talking that way about men.

00:51:04.000 About all dudes.

00:51:05.000 No guy would nobody, nobody.

00:51:07.000 It's like that fucking.

00:51:08.000 How dare you talk about men like that?

00:51:10.000 That weak ass thing that some people will say to you, like, oh, you hate women.

00:51:15.000 You know, Brian Posain and I had this argument too.

00:51:17.000 I mean, not argument, rather.

00:51:18.000 I love Brian.

00:51:19.000 I had this discussion.

00:51:20.000 He was having an argument with some female comic.

00:51:23.000 And he goes, and as soon as the argument got ugly, she goes, I think you hate women.

00:51:27.000 And he goes, that's really funny because everyone that's ever said that to me, I hate.

00:51:35.000 Right?

00:51:36.000 He's hilarious.

00:51:37.000 Well, I think that's just a weapon.

00:51:37.000 He's hilarious.

00:51:39.000 It's weak.

00:51:40.000 Very specific woman uses that weapon.

00:51:42.000 It's a political correct weapon.

00:51:44.000 That's when I've been backed into a corner.

00:51:45.000 I'm going to throw that out there just because it's so tap.

00:51:48.000 You know, it's like, oh, no, I don't want you to think that about me.

00:51:50.000 No, it's like, I hate your type of woman.

00:51:52.000 That's what I hate.

00:51:53.000 It's a bitch thing to say.

00:51:54.000 It's a weak ass, you know, like a fake magic spell.

00:51:58.000 Right, right.

00:51:58.000 You hate women.

00:51:59.000 Is that what it is?

00:52:00.000 Because you're annoying.

00:52:01.000 Like, all women are you.

00:52:02.000 Exactly, right?

00:52:03.000 Everyone is the same.

00:52:04.000 Every single fucking woman on the planet is exactly the same.

00:52:08.000 There's no variation.

00:52:09.000 I have hate for all of you just because you're annoying.

00:52:12.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:52:12.000 That's so weak.

00:52:13.000 And they just try to get it.

00:52:14.000 That's the same thing as what's going on with this whole faggot comment.

00:52:18.000 No, I disagree.

00:52:18.000 Really?

00:52:19.000 I disagree.

00:52:19.000 Well, first of all, by I hate women, all they're trying to do is put you on your heel.

00:52:23.000 They're trying to make you feel like there's something wrong with you.

00:52:27.000 They called you on it.

00:52:28.000 You hate women.

00:52:29.000 Of course you do.

00:52:29.000 And they'll stick with it.

00:52:31.000 Right.

00:52:31.000 You know, and you don't even know.

00:52:32.000 No, I don't hate women.

00:52:33.000 I hate you.

00:52:33.000 No, no, no.

00:52:34.000 I'm sure.

00:52:34.000 I can tell.

00:52:35.000 You hate women.

00:52:36.000 I see what you're doing.

00:52:37.000 You hate women.

00:52:38.000 That you hate women thing.

00:52:39.000 That's them being weak.

00:52:41.000 That's all that is.

00:52:42.000 That's trying to look for some reason why you're wrong.

00:52:45.000 Some reason why you're bad.

00:52:46.000 Some giant blanket statement to label you.

00:52:49.000 But someone's saying, Faggot, I mean, that legitimately is a slur for homosexuals.

00:52:53.000 Right.

00:52:54.000 You know, even if you don't use it that way, and I don't use it that way.

00:52:54.000 I see what you're saying.

00:52:57.000 And even if Brian calls me up and like, what's up, Faggot?

00:52:59.000 And I'm like, how dare you?

00:53:00.000 Are we going to go eat?

00:53:01.000 You know, it's like, that's how we talk.

00:53:03.000 It's not a slur at all by then.

00:53:06.000 Right.

00:53:06.000 But the term of endearment is actually the opposite.

00:53:09.000 There's too many meanings, too confusing to some people.

00:53:09.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:53:11.000 But that's totally different than you hate women.

00:53:14.000 Someone's saying that.

00:53:15.000 That's just the ultimate stupid Trump card.

00:53:18.000 It's like, I called it.

00:53:19.000 You hate women.

00:53:19.000 I called it.

00:53:21.000 It's so dumb.

00:53:22.000 It's like no dude ever says that fucking chick, she hates men.

00:53:26.000 Or if they do, if they're guys who can't get laid, that does happen.

00:53:29.000 Where dudes are fucking lesbians.

00:53:31.000 Oh, that's just, those guys are just tater dudes.

00:53:31.000 Those guys.

00:53:34.000 I love that.

00:53:34.000 It was a buddy that I...

00:53:39.000 You know what I mean?

00:53:39.000 It's just, chick was a bitch.

00:53:40.000 There's a dude that I'm like.

00:53:41.000 No, it wasn't the way you were acting, you dumbass.

00:53:43.000 It's because she was a bitch, right?

00:53:45.000 There's a dude that I used to hang out with a long time ago, and he used to always do that.

00:53:49.000 First of all, he would hit on anything, and the girls didn't want to have anything to do with him.

00:53:49.000 He was brutal.

00:53:53.000 Fucking lesbians.

00:53:54.000 Like, literally, fucking lesbians.

00:53:56.000 He'd be angry and look down and shit.

00:53:58.000 Right.

00:53:58.000 Meanwhile, she's leaving with another dude.

00:54:00.000 Hey, let me ask you this, man.

00:54:01.000 Your mom was gay.

00:54:02.000 What was it like in high school and junior high when dudes would make lesbo jokes?

00:54:06.000 Does it bother me too much?

00:54:08.000 I have like a joke in my stand-up that, you know, two chicks making out is the hottest thing in the world until it's your mom.

00:54:12.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:14.000 Dude, then it's just, you know what I mean?

00:54:15.000 It's like no true, right?

00:54:17.000 Oh my God, that must be so true.

00:54:18.000 That must be so weird.

00:54:19.000 So it's like, dude, like growing up, or like, especially in college time, you know, when girls start getting really like sexual and stuff like that, I would always wind up dating girls would always want to be like, you know, I made out with a couple chicks before, like, trying to like, like, that would matter to me.

00:54:31.000 But it's like, I grew up with that being no big deal.

00:54:34.000 Like, chick on chick porn does nothing for me, bro.

00:54:38.000 You know what I mean?

00:54:39.000 Almost in a weird way, it has the fucking weird, like, I can't watch anything.

00:54:42.000 Exactly.

00:54:43.000 It's like, okay, please let a dude.

00:54:45.000 I hope the dude walks in the room soon.

00:54:47.000 The black guy, anyone.

00:54:48.000 Chinese guy.

00:54:49.000 That fucking ninja.

00:54:50.000 Exactly.

00:54:51.000 I'm about to throw in an animal.

00:54:53.000 Anything with a dick.

00:54:54.000 Exactly, Bob.

00:54:54.000 Right.

00:54:56.000 Somebody with a boner, please walk in the room.

00:54:58.000 Was it common knowledge amongst all your friends?

00:55:00.000 Some of them, yeah, some of them know.

00:55:02.000 But like I said, like, I grew up in the Midwest, and it was very taboo.

00:55:05.000 And it's like, dude, what city?

00:55:06.000 What part of the Midwest?

00:55:07.000 Northwest Indiana, right on Lake Michigan, Michigan City, like 20 minutes outside Chicago.

00:55:11.000 You know, we did a show in Indiana, in Indianapolis, Naptown.

00:55:14.000 They booed John Cougar Mellencamp.

00:55:17.000 Wow, why is that?

00:55:18.000 He lives right there.

00:55:19.000 Because he's a liberal, dude.

00:55:21.000 Can you believe that, dude?

00:55:22.000 I booed him.

00:55:23.000 I can fucking tell you.

00:55:24.000 They put his big ass fucking head on that screen, that giant screen.

00:55:28.000 That's strange.

00:55:30.000 He probably said something about deer hunters or something.

00:55:32.000 Dude, it's hardcore.

00:55:33.000 I mean, you really don't, like, that whole area of the country.

00:55:37.000 I mean, I have nothing totally against it other than it is exactly what you think it would be.

00:55:43.000 So really, we did this whole, like, their roommates fucking cover-up, you know what I mean?

00:55:47.000 And just let the dummy think shit.

00:55:50.000 I grew up with a buddy that had an obviously gay mother.

00:55:53.000 And we were like, man, you sure your mom's not gay?

00:55:53.000 Sure.

00:55:55.000 No, my mom's not gay.

00:55:56.000 Would like fucking deny it to the death.

00:55:58.000 Meanwhile, his mom had short hair, okay?

00:56:01.000 And she lived with this woman who was 250 pounds who would wear a vest, sleeveless vest, right?

00:56:08.000 With a sleeveless shirt underneath it.

00:56:10.000 Changing the oil in the car in the driveway.

00:56:11.000 Yeah, and she had these big, sloppy, like truck driver man arms.

00:56:16.000 I thought you're going to shoot it.

00:56:17.000 She was horrific.

00:56:19.000 She was a big, giant man thing.

00:56:21.000 Right.

00:56:22.000 And she lived with this guy's mom, with my friend Josh's mom.

00:56:25.000 And I was like, dude, what's up, man?

00:56:26.000 Your mom's gay.

00:56:27.000 No, my mom's not gay.

00:56:28.000 I go, I don't care.

00:56:29.000 I don't care if your mom's gay, but you got to tell me that your mom's gay.

00:56:31.000 Because otherwise, this is a crazy.

00:56:33.000 We're never going to be honest about anything.

00:56:35.000 Like if I know something, it's like, you know, it's like.

00:56:35.000 Right, right, right.

00:56:37.000 If you're going to lie about what's obvious, you're going to lie about everything.

00:56:39.000 You're kicking up in my sandcastle.

00:56:41.000 I'm showing up at school every day with a dress on.

00:56:42.000 Do you believe I'm a girl?

00:56:43.000 You would say, you're a dude with a dress.

00:56:43.000 No.

00:56:45.000 I know, right?

00:56:45.000 The fuck, man.

00:56:46.000 No, I am a girl.

00:56:47.000 Come on, let's hang out.

00:56:48.000 No, we can't hang out anymore because now you're talking crazy.

00:56:51.000 Your mom's gay.

00:56:51.000 Yeah, right.

00:56:52.000 So it was like when we were like fucking 15, if I was like, yeah, I'm a girl.

00:56:54.000 Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, growing up, that was sort of a.

00:56:58.000 You know, my sister was, my sister was very, like, would just talk about it all the time, very open with all her friends about it.

00:57:02.000 I just kind of just like never said shit.

00:57:04.000 If anybody would ask me about it, my buddies would talk about it.

00:57:06.000 You know, we would talk about it.

00:57:07.000 It was really no big deal.

00:57:08.000 But it's just like one of those things where, especially when I was younger, I mean, dude, that's like back then, like 81-ish, 80, fucking Midwest.

00:57:16.000 That's like wake up with a burning cross in your yard kind of shit.

00:57:19.000 For real.

00:57:19.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:57:21.000 I knew a dude when I was 13.

00:57:23.000 I was 13.

00:57:24.000 I was 14.

00:57:25.000 He was a gay hustler.

00:57:27.000 He was a friend of a friend of mine's.

00:57:30.000 And they would do drugs together.

00:57:32.000 This guy had like a real Coke thing.

00:57:34.000 And I think this guy got him the stuff.

00:57:36.000 And we were all hanging out one night.

00:57:38.000 And I was like, what does that guy do?

00:57:40.000 He was like a little older than us.

00:57:41.000 He was like 17.

00:57:42.000 And he's like, yeah, he makes money just doing a lot of shit that he shouldn't be doing.

00:57:46.000 This is my friend Jimmy, who used to talk like in code like that.

00:57:48.000 He was like a real blue-collar construction guy.

00:57:51.000 Yeah, everything's very vague.

00:57:53.000 So eventually I found out that this guy was like, he used to, but he doesn't do it anymore.

00:57:57.000 Apparently he's done with it.

00:57:58.000 He was like a gay hustler.

00:57:59.000 What exactly is a gay hustler doing?

00:58:01.000 A gay hustler is like you go out with rich dudes and suck their dicks.

00:58:04.000 Right, and they give you money.

00:58:06.000 Right.

00:58:07.000 And you hang out with them.

00:58:08.000 You know, you hang out with them like for the night and you look like you're partying.

00:58:12.000 You're like a party boy and you go from one place to another and that's how you make your living.

00:58:15.000 That's what this dude was doing.

00:58:17.000 And he wasn't gay apparently.

00:58:18.000 He just, yeah, he had a problem with drugs back then.

00:58:20.000 He fucked up.

00:58:22.000 That sucks a lot of dicks.

00:58:23.000 It was the strangest fucking thing.

00:58:26.000 I guess I was 15 at the time.

00:58:27.000 I might have even been 16 now that I think about it.

00:58:29.000 And that's Boston?

00:58:30.000 That's when you're in Boston.

00:58:30.000 He's driving, yeah.

00:58:31.000 So he might have been a bit older now that I think about it because I think I was driving at the time.

00:58:34.000 So I must have been 16.

00:58:36.000 But it was a bit of a drink.

00:58:38.000 That's some eye-opening shit right there when you're like, God damn.

00:58:41.000 Yeah, man.

00:58:42.000 You get to see a lot of shitty choices.

00:58:44.000 You know, that's one thing about growing up.

00:58:46.000 You get to see a lot of shitty choices.

00:58:48.000 Like, I was talking about this in the podcast: that I never did Coke because my friend Jimmy, his cousin, was selling it.

00:58:54.000 And his cousin never left the attic.

00:58:56.000 Him and his girlfriend, just had an apartment in the attic Coke and fucking hid from the world.

00:59:02.000 And he lost like 15 pounds, and they just looked pale as fuck.

00:59:06.000 They always looked like death.

00:59:07.000 And I was like, this dude is like disappearing to this drug.

00:59:10.000 Like, this is nuts.

00:59:11.000 So I thought, okay, that shit's off the menu.

00:59:13.000 Any drug where your teeth start falling out?

00:59:15.000 You know what I mean?

00:59:15.000 Like heroin, crack, Coke.

00:59:17.000 It's like grinding.

00:59:18.000 I draw the line where your teeth start falling out.

00:59:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:59:21.000 It's something that's bad when like you see somebody, they just don't have teeth.

00:59:24.000 They don't give a fuck.

00:59:25.000 Have you ever slept next to somebody that just ground their teeth at night?

00:59:29.000 Like really bad.

00:59:30.000 It sounded like marbles crashing in their mouth.

00:59:33.000 That's stress.

00:59:34.000 That's some TMJ too.

00:59:36.000 There's a weird disease or something.

00:59:38.000 My dentist says I don't grind my teeth, but I'm a clincher.

00:59:41.000 I'm just always tight, tight.

00:59:43.000 You know what that means?

00:59:44.000 You're thinking about taking the ass and you're prepping.

00:59:44.000 No.

00:59:46.000 You're ripping.

00:59:47.000 You're biting it out.

00:59:48.000 All your dreams are about you taking the ass.

00:59:50.000 It's probably big black dicks, too.

00:59:52.000 That's what it probably is.

00:59:53.000 Well, it's weird because when I did Salvia, that seemed like that's what I was doing.

00:59:57.000 It's a pillow biting thing going on.

00:59:58.000 That's what it is, man.

00:59:59.000 Pillow biting.

01:00:00.000 You're thinking about, you got a mouthful of pillow.

01:00:02.000 Is it chopping down?

01:00:02.000 Are you calling me a faggot?

01:00:03.000 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you faggot at all.

01:00:06.000 You didn't even use that word.

01:00:07.000 You're putting words in my mouth.

01:00:10.000 That was an obligatory black dick reference.

01:00:12.000 There's a thing.

01:00:12.000 Brought to you by fleshlight.

01:00:14.000 There's a thing on the Rogan board where they're like, how many times will Joe bring up black dicks this podcast?

01:00:18.000 I'm a juvenile motherfucker, man.

01:00:20.000 I think we're at four so far.

01:00:21.000 I'm not stopping either.

01:00:22.000 I'm 43 years old.

01:00:23.000 I still have a wall of chain.

01:00:24.000 I wear a backwards baseball hat.

01:00:26.000 I'm a child.

01:00:27.000 I'm a juvenile old man.

01:00:28.000 43 going on, 17.

01:00:30.000 I don't have to grow up any more than this.

01:00:30.000 Eternally?

01:00:32.000 It's like, why?

01:00:32.000 Just because my body's aging, I'm supposed to change.

01:00:34.000 This is the stuff that I like.

01:00:35.000 I mean, I've evolved, but the shit I like, I still like.

01:00:39.000 And dicks in the ass is always funny.

01:00:41.000 Joe Diaz walked up in the Alex Jones studio.

01:00:43.000 This is one of the things that's in the video, and I've talked about this, but it was so good.

01:00:46.000 I had to talk about it again.

01:00:47.000 He gets up.

01:00:48.000 He's talking about smuggling weed under his balls, and Alex is going crazy.

01:00:52.000 And this is how he gets up.

01:00:53.000 I'm in the middle of crying, laughing, because he's describing his ball.

01:00:56.000 This is my left ball is bigger than my right ball because I'm right-handed.

01:00:59.000 I thought I had cancer for a couple of weeks.

01:01:01.000 Anyway, that weed's under my balls, and it's stinking.

01:01:03.000 And Alex Jones is going, no, no.

01:01:05.000 He's going, yes, yes.

01:01:06.000 And he's like, he's saying no, like, quit talking about this stuff.

01:01:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:01:10.000 He's talking about smuggling weed under his balls on the Alex Jones show, which is like, he has like Ron Paul on his show, and like a lot of like serious presidential candidates and Tea Party people.

01:01:20.000 They go on the Alex Jones show.

01:01:21.000 And Joey Diaz is talking about smuggling weed under his balls.

01:01:24.000 And then when he's done, he stands up and he's got this thing going on with his fingers.

01:01:28.000 And he goes, Joe Diaz, Facebook, Twitter, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

01:01:33.000 Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health.

01:01:36.000 And then he just walks out.

01:01:37.000 And then he goes, stay black, because that's the most important thing.

01:01:40.000 And he gets up and walks out of the studio and leaves me crying, beat red in the face.

01:01:46.000 I can't catch my breath.

01:01:47.000 I'm crying, laughing, and Alex Jones going, he's Satan.

01:01:50.000 He's Satan.

01:01:51.000 He's the devil.

01:01:52.000 The poor fuck.

01:01:53.000 It was one of the greatest.

01:01:55.000 But, you know, that's what makes me laugh, man.

01:01:57.000 I'm sorry.

01:01:58.000 I am a very deep thinker.

01:02:01.000 I mean, what does that mean?

01:02:02.000 That sounds like something I'm trying to get laid.

01:02:04.000 Deep thinker, very deep, deep thoughts.

01:02:06.000 I think a lot about a lot of shit that's not juvenile.

01:02:10.000 I think a lot about space and about scientific discoveries and then what is life and what is this all about and the big philosophical questions.

01:02:18.000 I think a lot about all that stuff.

01:02:19.000 But when it comes to laughing, like silly laughter, I like my shit dumb.

01:02:24.000 I like a lot of shit dumb.

01:02:25.000 I like some clever.

01:02:26.000 I like clever thrown in there with it.

01:02:28.000 Like I laugh in my own act.

01:02:30.000 I love to have clever stuff.

01:02:31.000 I love to have like really well-crafted piece that's weird and strange and then mix it in with some just silly ass dick jokes.

01:02:37.000 Yeah, right, right.

01:02:39.000 I mean, just like eight premises in my act where a dude somehow or another wounds up blowing some guy.

01:02:44.000 Yeah.

01:02:45.000 I mean, it's just, that's what I think is funny.

01:02:47.000 I'm just a child.

01:02:48.000 I'm fucking so juvenile when it comes to my sense of humor.

01:02:52.000 Right.

01:02:52.000 And I think everybody is.

01:02:53.000 I mean, everybody has like, you know, you learn to laugh.

01:02:56.000 It's this weird hiccup that only like humans, the human animal has from being surprised.

01:03:01.000 It really is.

01:03:02.000 It works a lot like magic.

01:03:03.000 Like magic, you suspend disbelief.

01:03:05.000 And like when you're doing stand-up or even just joke telling, it's like people think they know where you're going to go.

01:03:09.000 Their brain's constantly trying to be ahead of you.

01:03:11.000 And when you flip it on them, it creates this weird hiccup that the only human, you know what I mean?

01:03:17.000 So it's very old.

01:03:18.000 I mean, it's old.

01:03:18.000 You know, you can scare babies.

01:03:20.000 When you scare babies at that age, they hit a certain age where laughter becomes, you know, in their life.

01:03:25.000 And when you like, you can startle a baby and they'll actually laugh.

01:03:27.000 But that's only one type of laughter.

01:03:29.000 Like Joey Diaz, you know exactly what's coming.

01:03:32.000 It doesn't matter.

01:03:33.000 It's funny.

01:03:34.000 There's no tricks.

01:03:35.000 Right.

01:03:35.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:03:36.000 He's not like, no, but that's.

01:03:37.000 He's not.

01:03:37.000 And I'm like, grandma, please.

01:03:39.000 But don't bump.

01:03:40.000 Yeah.

01:03:40.000 So you thought it was going to be a girl.

01:03:41.000 No, but I'm just like grandma.

01:03:43.000 I tricked you again.

01:03:44.000 Yeah, no, that's exactly.

01:03:45.000 I'm totally agreeing with you where it's just like there's something about that other kind of laughter where it's like you're laughing at it just because it's just, you know, it's just funny the way that the person is just a cartoon.

01:03:55.000 He's so cartoony.

01:03:56.000 You know what I mean?

01:03:57.000 I love listening to him talk.

01:03:59.000 There's a bunch of different ways for things to be funny or reasons why things are funny.

01:04:02.000 You know, the most important thing is find the most.

01:04:05.000 Find the most things.

01:04:06.000 Like ironic things are funny.

01:04:08.000 Like movies, like unintentional comedies, like Grizzly Man.

01:04:11.000 We were talking about that before the show.

01:04:13.000 How funny Grizzlyman is.

01:04:14.000 How funny R. Kelly is.

01:04:16.000 That's really funny.

01:04:17.000 But it's a different kind of funny.

01:04:19.000 It's funny.

01:04:19.000 Like, oh my God, he's serious funny.

01:04:21.000 It's like, I can't believe.

01:04:22.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:04:23.000 I mean, there's a bunch of different kinds of funny, but that's the key.

01:04:26.000 If you want to be a happy person, have as many of those in the mix as possible.

01:04:30.000 And this is one of the big problems I have with all these alternative comedy guys.

01:04:33.000 There's a lot of guys that they become like sort of comedy snobs.

01:04:36.000 Yeah, I can't stand it.

01:04:37.000 What they're doing is they're upset of anybody who talks about sex.

01:04:40.000 Like, I know this one guy who got upset at a friend of ours because he talks about sex a lot.

01:04:44.000 And he's like, man, you're better than that.

01:04:45.000 Like, why are you resorting to cheap jokes?

01:04:47.000 Like, look, man, this guy is a sexual deviant.

01:04:50.000 This is what he thinks about all the time.

01:04:51.000 Like, can't he just talk about sex?

01:04:53.000 And, you know, like, what do you care?

01:04:55.000 It's like, there's a lot of people that don't allow certain things to be funny because they feel like it's beneath them.

01:05:01.000 And it's such a subjective thing.

01:05:02.000 Like, that's, it's funny that you mentioned, I was talking about this earlier with, it might even be the same person we're talking about right here, but, you know, it's such a subjective thing.

01:05:09.000 Like, there's always all these comedy, San Francisco comedy competition and shit.

01:05:13.000 It's like, how can you beat it?

01:05:15.000 like judge clever comedy.

01:05:16.000 Yeah, it's like Joey Diaz will never win one of those.

01:05:19.000 But yeah, I don't know how.

01:05:20.000 Absolutely.

01:05:21.000 It's like, how do you judge something that is so opinion-based?

01:05:21.000 Yeah.

01:05:24.000 Like everybody, you know, you might find this funny or that funny.

01:05:28.000 And that alternative comedy scene where they are so judgmental.

01:05:32.000 And that's such a, it's a county defense.

01:05:34.000 It's a defense mechanism.

01:05:35.000 Like a lot of those people can't, they don't, they, they're, you know, ostracized by clubs or they can't get into the regular clubs, regular scene.

01:05:41.000 And they develop this clicky little circuit where they just look down on everybody.

01:05:46.000 Well, you know what?

01:05:46.000 I was there for the beginning of that alternative comedy scene.

01:05:49.000 I remember it very well.

01:05:50.000 Well, no, no, no.

01:05:51.000 I bet you don't because I was there in Cambridge, Massachusetts at the Catcherising Star when I really started.

01:05:56.000 I thought they meant out here in the middle.

01:05:57.000 It was really David Cross.

01:05:58.000 David Cross started it all off.

01:05:59.000 But what he was doing is very different than what's going on now.

01:06:02.000 What's going on now is a lot of people are really basically doing standard stand-up.

01:06:06.000 It's just they're doing stand-up where they don't exert a lot of energy and they try to be like a certain, they're trying to have a certain amount of clever words tossed into their comedy.

01:06:15.000 Secure reference to it.

01:06:16.000 They try to have really well-written stuff that they try to impress comedy geeks with.

01:06:22.000 People who like comedy.

01:06:23.000 What Cross was doing, he did a lot of weird shit, man.

01:06:26.000 He was taking a lot of chances.

01:06:28.000 Some of it didn't work, but I always appreciated that he was doing it.

01:06:31.000 It was always really interesting to me.

01:06:32.000 I remember one time I went to catch and I was waiting to go on stage and he was doing this crazy thing when I walked in the room where he was just had an exercise video.

01:06:41.000 Not an video, rather, an audio tape that was telling him how to stretch out.

01:06:45.000 And he was like doing it and commenting like, wow, it really does feel like it's stretching me out.

01:06:50.000 It was so strange.

01:06:52.000 That didn't know what to do.

01:06:53.000 They didn't know whether they should laugh.

01:06:54.000 They didn't know whether they should cough me.

01:06:57.000 It was, but he was like really committed to it.

01:06:59.000 And the way he was behaving was like the crowd should be like on the same wavelength as him.

01:07:05.000 Like, wow, this is really stretching me out.

01:07:07.000 Like, it was like this weird sort of performance art thing that he was doing.

01:07:11.000 And it didn't really work that good, but I remember thinking like, wow, this guy's like doing some interesting shit.

01:07:16.000 It makes you think like, I'm doing like kind of cut and dry, like standard stand-up.

01:07:20.000 Like, maybe what I'm doing is not as interesting as what this guy's doing.

01:07:23.000 Right.

01:07:23.000 Or it makes you see how broad the actual spectrum is of what you can get away with, what you can say, how you can make anything funny versus like.

01:07:31.000 Right.

01:07:31.000 And he was fucking around.

01:07:32.000 He was experimenting.

01:07:33.000 But that was, that was, in my opinion, that's real true alternative stand-up.

01:07:37.000 He's like trying a bunch of different things.

01:07:40.000 That was just one example, but he was very creative.

01:07:42.000 He did a lot of different things like that.

01:07:43.000 But what I see a lot of people calling alternative stand-up is like stand-up comedy that you would expect from someone who's into alternative music.

01:07:51.000 That's what it is.

01:07:52.000 It's almost like they've decided to see the same clothes into comedy.

01:07:56.000 It's like wear this outfit and now you're a comedian.

01:07:59.000 And do what you think those guys would appreciate.

01:08:02.000 They were too hip for the room.

01:08:03.000 But that's exactly what it has become.

01:08:05.000 It's not saying that's what it is.

01:08:06.000 Because I think it originally started as sort of like a counterculture thing to the stand-up comedy boom of the 80s and even early 90s.

01:08:14.000 And then you got this spin-off thing with Cross and Odenkirk and all those kind of guys, which were kind of doing the counter, the stuff you couldn't get away with doing clubs, which is not such shiny materials, longer premises, talking about shit.

01:08:27.000 Even a little more political.

01:08:31.000 Yeah, sure.

01:08:32.000 Big in San Francisco, like Austin, places like that.

01:08:35.000 And what happens is it just got watered down.

01:08:38.000 You got all these people that are like, I want to be like that.

01:08:41.000 So they just start, it became a cookie-cutter situation.

01:08:44.000 You're so right.

01:08:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:08:46.000 And now you're not getting really true alternative comedians.

01:08:48.000 You're getting fans of true alternative comics doing like material.

01:08:54.000 And I think it's caused sort of a, I don't know, I think it's going to cause more of like a pushback to like, you know, traditional.

01:09:01.000 If there is a lot of them are doing traditional stand-up.

01:09:03.000 That's exactly because it's different.

01:09:06.000 They're doing stand-up.

01:09:07.000 They're just doing premises that they think an alternative guy or gal.

01:09:11.000 It's like if it's a pillow fight, all the feathers are out of that pillow.

01:09:14.000 And a bunch of people are just swinging empty pillowcases.

01:09:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:09:17.000 It's like, you're not going to, you know.

01:09:18.000 It's like they're putting on an act.

01:09:19.000 Totally.

01:09:20.000 Yeah, and it's just because that thing, you know, it's an oversaturated, it's an oversaturated style.

01:09:20.000 That's the act.

01:09:27.000 But there is a good argument, though, for having a place where that kind of comedy gets a chance to grow.

01:09:33.000 I think it's a necessity.

01:09:34.000 It's experimental comedy.

01:09:35.000 I totally agree.

01:09:36.000 Call it alternative is like a good move to figure out.

01:09:39.000 I mean, there's got to be some...

01:09:44.000 It's like no one just goes see music.

01:09:47.000 You know, like what kind of music is this?

01:09:48.000 Is it rock and roll?

01:09:49.000 Is it country?

01:09:50.000 Is it?

01:09:51.000 It's like what we deal with is like symphony and rock and roll are all lumped in together as one thing.

01:09:56.000 Right.

01:09:56.000 And it's what gets on before you really makes a big difference.

01:09:59.000 If Joe Diaz goes on before you and just starts talking about, you know, pulling turds out of some girl's butthole, stuffing his nose.

01:10:07.000 Getting two points on his weight watches for eating a girl's ass.

01:10:11.000 I'm eating her ass.

01:10:12.000 I'm licking a monkey from behind.

01:10:12.000 Two points.

01:10:14.000 I'm sticking my nose on her asshole.

01:10:15.000 I'm doing the pigeon.

01:10:17.000 He goes, that's a chicken, but what the fuck?

01:10:19.000 I mean, if he's doing that and then you want to go do that stretching video, people are going to throw glasses at you.

01:10:19.000 Right.

01:10:24.000 Absolutely.

01:10:25.000 You can't do the two of them on the same stage.

01:10:27.000 That doesn't mean there's some people that might not want to see that weird thing.

01:10:30.000 And maybe they're not into like overtly, ridiculously sexual juvenile material.

01:10:34.000 And it's like, it's a taste issue.

01:10:36.000 Right, and that's why I was saying it's the same reason that like these comedy competition things are bullshit because you can't, how can you, you know, it's like such a fucking opinion-based thing of what's funny and what do I like.

01:10:48.000 And it's your own personal taste.

01:10:49.000 So who's going to be like, that guy's the winner right there, Joey?

01:10:52.000 It's like whoever.

01:10:52.000 You know what I mean?

01:10:53.000 Music's the same way, though.

01:10:54.000 I mean, if you really think about it, people who judge like Rolling Stone, they say this CD is like five stars when, you know, to another person, that CD is the best fucking CD in the whole entire life.

01:11:04.000 Yeah, but what you don't have is like, you know, the Rolling Stones having to, you know, schlep all their gear up to Seattle to just like, you know, compete against every other new band to be able to put on their resume.

01:11:14.000 I won the Seattle band competition or whatever, if you're interested.

01:11:17.000 Yeah, for a comic, though, that does mean something.

01:11:19.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:11:20.000 It really does.

01:11:21.000 You're like at a club and it says on the marquee, you know, Jason T-Ball, winner of the Seattle Comedy Competition.

01:11:27.000 Band.

01:11:28.000 Yeah, I know a lot of good people.

01:11:29.000 I mean, that was very, like, it really helped when Al Magical won the San Francisco comedy competition.

01:11:34.000 It really launched him into a lot.

01:11:35.000 I mean, very good friend of mine.

01:11:36.000 I know he's a good buddy of yours.

01:11:38.000 You know, that was very, you know, that launch, you know, because it matters to industry.

01:11:42.000 I worked with Al Magical.

01:11:44.000 We worked together at the Old Cobbs.

01:11:46.000 The Old Cobbs was this tiny room.

01:11:48.000 It was like 150 seats.

01:11:49.000 It was awesome.

01:11:50.000 San Francisco is a great place to go.

01:11:50.000 Yeah.

01:11:52.000 The Old Cobbs was the shit, dude.

01:11:53.000 It was like one of the smaller rooms in the country, and it was so good.

01:11:56.000 There was a bigger place that I was working at, and I'd rather work at the small place.

01:11:59.000 It was like so cool.

01:12:01.000 But then somehow or another, it caught on fire or some shit, and they moved out.

01:12:05.000 Something happened.

01:12:06.000 They moved out and they moved to, they might have just moved out.

01:12:08.000 I might have made up a fire part.

01:12:09.000 Or the fire part might have happened after them.

01:12:11.000 It might have been the new company that took over because it became the green room afterwards.

01:12:15.000 But then they opened up Cobbs, the new Cobbs, which is, it's way better because more people can get to see it.

01:12:19.000 It's a way bigger crowd.

01:12:20.000 But it doesn't have that like personal kind of like, you know.

01:12:23.000 There's something about being in a room of like 200 people.

01:12:26.000 You know, like when you're in the OR at the comedy store and it's packed, it's like maybe 190 or something.

01:12:31.000 What is it?

01:12:31.000 Seat, something like that.

01:12:32.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:12:33.000 It's less than 200.

01:12:34.000 That shit is magic, man.

01:12:35.000 When you get a tight-packed group of people like that and it's a low ceiling and it's a dark room.

01:12:41.000 buddies in there.

01:12:42.000 Oh, man.

01:12:43.000 It's surrounded.

01:12:46.000 Did you ever used to do that gig?

01:12:47.000 It was okay, but Dublins had that bar where always people would be talking.

01:12:50.000 Yeah, but I mean, where it was just like a wall of people around you.

01:12:54.000 That was the best.

01:12:55.000 I used to love doing Dublins.

01:12:57.000 Yeah, there was a lot of arguments at Dublin's about stealing material.

01:13:00.000 I remember a lot of that.

01:13:01.000 I remember like, I got to get the fuck away from here.

01:13:03.000 A lot of people didn't like working there.

01:13:05.000 That place got closed down for noise ordinance reasons.

01:13:07.000 Really?

01:13:08.000 Yeah, that's why all the people, all the houses right up in the hill.

01:13:11.000 No way.

01:13:12.000 Yeah, that's why they closed that and they wind up having to sell it or something.

01:13:14.000 Wow.

01:13:15.000 Now I don't even know it.

01:13:16.000 Now it's like one of those douchebaggy clubs, like nightclub bullshits that are all over the place.

01:13:20.000 There's a lot of those, man.

01:13:21.000 That is one of the, you know, as you get older, you know, the whole club scene, like, where's the cool club to go to?

01:13:28.000 Let's go to the VIP.

01:13:29.000 And like, that is, like, one of the douchiest things.

01:13:32.000 Dude, I never got into that shit.

01:13:34.000 In my heyday.

01:13:35.000 Anybody, man.

01:13:36.000 In my heyday.

01:13:37.000 You can't hear shit.

01:13:38.000 You can't talk to you.

01:13:39.000 It's one thing if you.

01:13:40.000 A lot of those people I wouldn't even want to talk to.

01:13:42.000 Like, remember when you and me and Doug Benson and who else was with us?

01:13:42.000 It ain't bad.

01:13:46.000 Eddie?

01:13:46.000 We went to Skybar?

01:13:47.000 No, no, no.

01:13:48.000 I'll get it Brian.

01:13:48.000 Oh, yeah.

01:13:49.000 Yeah, we went to the had the dance off.

01:13:50.000 Yeah, where was that?

01:13:52.000 It was in one of the clubs in Vegas.

01:13:53.000 It was you, me.

01:13:53.000 But who else was it?

01:13:55.000 I know it was one of the comic.

01:13:57.000 Oh, yeah, it was Doug Benson and Ari.

01:13:59.000 Was Ari there?

01:13:59.000 Oddly.

01:14:00.000 I think it was Ari.

01:14:01.000 Maybe it was Ari.

01:14:02.000 Anyway, it was like six of us and Eddie and Tripoli.

01:14:06.000 Tripoli.

01:14:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:14:08.000 And Eddie and Eddie's girlfriend and a couple other people that we knew.

01:14:12.000 And we just had a bunch of drinks and we were dancing and being silly and making videos with each other.

01:14:16.000 And that was fun.

01:14:17.000 Sure, yeah.

01:14:18.000 But we were all together.

01:14:18.000 That was fun.

01:14:20.000 Otherwise, you can hear a fucking thing anybody's saying.

01:14:24.000 I got to take a piss.

01:14:26.000 I know.

01:14:27.000 What?

01:14:27.000 And you have these weirdo conversations where you're talking in the guy's ear directly and you never know who gets to talk.

01:14:34.000 So you'll turn at the wrong time.

01:14:36.000 And sometimes you come really close to kissing because you're so close.

01:14:40.000 You're like, no, no, no.

01:14:42.000 I told him it's cool.

01:14:43.000 He's not mad.

01:14:44.000 Are you sure?

01:14:45.000 Dude, you're almost fucking kissed.

01:14:48.000 You're like, you meet in the middle and you're like, I mean, touch noses and shit.

01:14:52.000 That happens on the ear all the time, too.

01:14:54.000 Yeah.

01:14:54.000 It's accidentally hit the ears.

01:14:56.000 Exactly.

01:14:56.000 It's like hot drinks are like $14 for a, you have like four drinks and fucking tea body.

01:15:02.000 Your breath smells like shit.

01:15:04.000 If you've had two drinks, your breath smells like shit, period.

01:15:08.000 Because you're drinking poison and your body's producing all these weird acids going, what is all this motherfucker's drinking?

01:15:15.000 How much food do we have in here to sop this shit up?

01:15:15.000 Shit.

01:15:17.000 Right, right, right, right.

01:15:20.000 This fucking thing.

01:15:20.000 Those clubs are only good.

01:15:22.000 If you're on ecstasy in those clubs, that's where it's at.

01:15:24.000 Because you can't hear, you can only see, you just start.

01:15:27.000 Yeah, those places are built for drugs.

01:15:29.000 It wasn't bad because we were super baked.

01:15:31.000 We were super duper baked.

01:15:32.000 Right, and you're all together.

01:15:33.000 It's like you're with all your buddies.

01:15:34.000 You're not just like, like, the worst on clubs like that is like you and your buddy go to a joint like that trying to pick up on chicks or whatever.

01:15:41.000 Just the fucking dude.

01:15:42.000 Dude, it was a nightmare when I was like, you know, in my 20s or early 30s.

01:15:46.000 Like, I thought of doing it now.

01:15:47.000 It's like, fuck.

01:15:49.000 That's where that culture of man-hating comes from.

01:15:52.000 It comes from men trying and trying and trying to get women.

01:15:56.000 It's just hating shit.

01:15:57.000 It's also trying to get women and failing.

01:15:59.000 Sure.

01:15:59.000 Trying and failing, trying and failing, and then developing a resentment.

01:16:02.000 Like my friend I used to call girls lesbians.

01:16:04.000 He was really just an unattractive dude.

01:16:06.000 And he really had a hard time getting girls.

01:16:08.000 And so he was constantly getting this negative feeling.

01:16:11.000 Right.

01:16:12.000 So he developed this.

01:16:13.000 And it's because you don't even get to see your personality.

01:16:17.000 Nobody's even getting to know anybody.

01:16:18.000 You can't even talk to each other.

01:16:20.000 It's purely like lust, animal noise and moving to vibrations.

01:16:24.000 Exactly.

01:16:25.000 And then alcohol for shitty decision making.

01:16:26.000 Right.

01:16:27.000 And then grinding against your dick.

01:16:28.000 So your dick starts getting hard.

01:16:29.000 Now all your thinking's out the window.

01:16:31.000 Right.

01:16:32.000 It's purely caveman monkey shit right there.

01:16:34.000 It turns into like just your DNA just starts acting up.

01:16:37.000 It's the dumbest shit ever.

01:16:39.000 Did you see that shit that they closed down at LAX?

01:16:41.000 They closed down one of the terminals last night for like a few hours because this woman started like fell down on the ground and they had to call the ambulances and stuff.

01:16:49.000 And she ate a pot cookie and she blacked out?

01:16:53.000 Yeah, she blacked out or did something or accidentally ate one or two.

01:16:56.000 No, no, she did eat one.

01:16:58.000 These rookies are going to fuck it up for everybody.

01:17:01.000 But they love pissing that up in the media too.

01:17:04.000 Particularly because of this.

01:17:06.000 You know, busiest travel day ever, though.

01:17:07.000 Imagine being waiting in line to go on your plane and some chick couldn't handle a pot cookie.

01:17:11.000 Is that really true?

01:17:12.000 Yeah.

01:17:13.000 Do you have a news story, son?

01:17:14.000 Because I was on just in the middle.

01:17:15.000 I was on NBC4 Los Angeles.

01:17:18.000 I have a bit that's a true bit that I'm working on right now that I was just doing recently about I took a pot cookie and I got on a plane, but the plane was delayed when we were headed to London.

01:17:25.000 Right.

01:17:26.000 I was sitting in the lobby of the plane in the waiting area.

01:17:28.000 What's that called?

01:17:29.000 What is that called?

01:17:31.000 You're actually on the plane now?

01:17:33.000 Waiting to get on the plane.

01:17:34.000 Oh, the gate.

01:17:36.000 Sitting at the gate, and CNN is on.

01:17:36.000 Sitting at the gate.

01:17:39.000 And I'm so baked.

01:17:40.000 I'm so paranoid, freaked out, thinking about my mortality, thinking about will the earth ever explode?

01:17:49.000 What happens if a meteor comes?

01:17:50.000 Would they tell us?

01:17:51.000 I'm looking at fucking UFOs over thoughts, right?

01:17:55.000 But super, super, super baked.

01:17:58.000 The point where I'm like, whoa, I am way too high to be sitting by myself in the airport waiting to get to, you know, watching CNN.

01:17:58.000 Right, right.

01:18:06.000 but I got through it and I was fine.

01:18:08.000 But we did it with Ari.

01:18:10.000 I gave Ari a breast strip.

01:18:11.000 Oops, I should have said that.

01:18:12.000 I gave Ari something, allegedly, and he got on the plane and he was like, or no, it wasn't even me.

01:18:18.000 I didn't even give it to him.

01:18:19.000 It was before he got on.

01:18:20.000 That's what it was.

01:18:21.000 Because by the time we got on the plane, he told me that at the moment we first got on the plane, before it took off, he was seriously considering running up to them and asking them to let him off the plane.

01:18:32.000 He goes, I had to keep it together.

01:18:34.000 I can absolutely see it.

01:18:36.000 I talked to him recently, and he's like, oh, I did it again.

01:18:39.000 I was like, wait, you ate?

01:18:40.000 No, no, like he ate again before he got on the plane.

01:18:43.000 I'm like, see, to me, that happened to me once on a plane, and I was splashing water in my face, and I thought I was going to die.

01:18:48.000 I went to the bathroom 10 times, and I thought I was going to really have to tell them the same thing.

01:18:51.000 Like, I need to land.

01:18:52.000 I think I'm having, you know, a panic attack.

01:18:54.000 But he did it like two weeks later.

01:18:57.000 He just went right back into the saddle.

01:18:58.000 Like, I'll eat another cup of cookies.

01:19:00.000 And he freaked out again?

01:19:01.000 I don't know if he freaked out or not, but the fact that he went back to it so quickly, though.

01:19:05.000 He went back to almost being arrested, federally arrested, and making this plane late and, you know, and all those other things.

01:19:11.000 I would have got arrested too, I'm sure.

01:19:12.000 Oh, yeah.

01:19:13.000 I was right with him.

01:19:14.000 Definitely.

01:19:14.000 Check to see who else was on his ticket and go, okay, you got something.

01:19:17.000 Come on, why don't you tell me what happened here?

01:19:19.000 I'm like, I don't know.

01:19:19.000 I don't live with the guy.

01:19:21.000 The guy showed up blasted.

01:19:22.000 He's got an issue.

01:19:23.000 I'd arrest him too if I was you.

01:19:23.000 I know.

01:19:25.000 Yeah, but I'm with everybody else, man.

01:19:27.000 When you start fucking eating cookies and making everybody else hold up for two hours because your funky ass can't take it.

01:19:34.000 They have a problem in Amsterdam where they're starting to ban edibles from coffee shops.

01:19:39.000 Because people are fucking eating, what they call space cakes.

01:19:41.000 They have these fucking muffins they eat.

01:19:44.000 You just disappear, man.

01:19:45.000 You just stop being Jason.

01:19:47.000 They're banning it from tourists too now.

01:19:49.000 Did you know that?

01:19:50.000 They're doing it in some places.

01:19:51.000 In some places, they're doing it.

01:19:53.000 Well, that's the tricky thing about edibles.

01:19:54.000 You just never know what you're going to.

01:19:57.000 I did that Howard Dover's gig in his marijuana show that he did down at La Jolla Comedy Store.

01:20:06.000 Oh, he does them down there too?

01:20:07.000 He does.

01:20:08.000 Down there is tricky.

01:20:09.000 Yeah, very tricky.

01:20:09.000 Very tricky.

01:20:10.000 San Diego is very Republican.

01:20:12.000 They force out surprisingly.

01:20:15.000 Well, you know why?

01:20:16.000 It's because they've got money.

01:20:17.000 Exactly.

01:20:17.000 They've got money and they're right next to Mexico.

01:20:19.000 Right, right.

01:20:20.000 You tend to get a little fucking conservative when that's going on.

01:20:22.000 No shit.

01:20:23.000 So they have them.

01:20:25.000 The same thing as they have at L.A. where everybody's smoking?

01:20:27.000 Dude, it was mayhem.

01:20:28.000 It was mayhem.

01:20:29.000 So I'm down there and I'm baked as fuck.

01:20:31.000 And I come into like that, you know, that little green room they have?

01:20:34.000 It's like a closet, basically, where you can just put your coat or whatever the fuck.

01:20:38.000 I go in there and I'm stoned as fuck.

01:20:40.000 And the whole table's filled with cookies and brownies and all this shit.

01:20:44.000 And I'm super stoned.

01:20:46.000 And I'm like, fuck yeah.

01:20:48.000 Not even thinking that they're edibles.

01:20:51.000 Not even thinking that they're edibles.

01:20:53.000 And dude, I slam a fucking cookie that's like this big.

01:20:57.000 I slam a cookie.

01:20:59.000 How can you not taste it?

01:21:00.000 Dude, these honest to Christ, the most delicious edibles I ever had.

01:21:05.000 It tasted just like a peanut butter.

01:21:07.000 It tasted just like a peanut butter cookie.

01:21:10.000 That's how I thought that they weren't because I ate it first and I was like, hmm, that's not too, you know, it was really peanut buttery tasting, you know what I mean?

01:21:16.000 Right.

01:21:17.000 So they probably use like the peanut butt, like the weed peanut butter as well as like the fucking fucked you up, son.

01:21:23.000 Dude, and I take a second bite of a second one.

01:21:25.000 And I was already stoned, right?

01:21:27.000 And this is before the show.

01:21:28.000 Oh, my goodness.

01:21:29.000 You have to do a show?

01:21:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:31.000 That's the best part.

01:21:32.000 And somebody comes in and he's like, hey, take it easy.

01:21:34.000 I made all those edibles, man.

01:21:35.000 Take it easy on that.

01:21:36.000 Like, you know, don't eat, don't eat too.

01:21:38.000 He's like, if I was you, I'd only eat a half of a cookie.

01:21:42.000 I already killed a cookie, and like, I'm one bite into my second cookie, stoned as fuck off of a fucking joint.

01:21:48.000 And I had that feeling, you know, that feeling where you can feel like the adrenaline, like the blood rush out of your face, like, oh, I'm fucked up.

01:21:53.000 That's a terrible feeling.

01:21:54.000 Dude, I looked Asian for my set.

01:21:56.000 I'm literally just like, did you know how to talk when you're up there?

01:21:59.000 Yeah, and you know what?

01:22:00.000 I just, because of the crowd itself, like, I just went with fucking that.

01:22:04.000 I told the story.

01:22:06.000 You know what I mean?

01:22:07.000 And it went over really good.

01:22:08.000 I'm like, the only way out of this, weed show.

01:22:10.000 Exactly, dude.

01:22:11.000 The only way out of this.

01:22:12.000 And I just kept referencing, you know, I actually went actually really good because I told the whole story.

01:22:17.000 You know, and then the dude coming in and telling me how the fucking, I don't eat half of one of those.

01:22:22.000 And as soon as I'm like, I ate one of the cookies, everyone in the crowd's like, oh, shit.

01:22:27.000 I had some of the most disconnected sets in my life doing those Howard Dover shows.

01:22:33.000 Yeah.

01:22:33.000 Because everybody would be there with weed.

01:22:35.000 It's insane.

01:22:35.000 It would be cookies and popcorn.

01:22:38.000 And dude, it's the most.

01:22:39.000 It's cream, popcorn ice cream.

01:22:43.000 John Barris ate too much pot popcorn and he was like frightened for his life.

01:22:49.000 I love Barris.

01:22:50.000 I think Barris is hilarious.

01:22:51.000 He is very hilarious.

01:22:52.000 That shit's very dangerous, the popcorn.

01:22:54.000 That stuff is strong.

01:22:55.000 There's nothing worse than too high.

01:22:57.000 And that's what I was saying about edibles.

01:22:58.000 That's why they're dangerous.

01:22:59.000 Because like, dude, smoking a joint, smoking a bong, anything.

01:23:02.000 It's unpredictable.

01:23:03.000 You know what I mean?

01:23:04.000 Ritualistically, I can kind of control my intake.

01:23:07.000 But I got to tell you, man, some of my best learning experiences where you get real introspective and break shit down, almost all that shit has come from me eating pot.

01:23:16.000 Yeah, it's because you're tripping.

01:23:17.000 From edibles more so than smoking it, you mean?

01:23:19.000 You are tripping.

01:23:20.000 Look, when I go into the tank, I prefer to eat pot before I go in the tank because it makes it more psychedelic.

01:23:26.000 The eating pot, when you close your eyes, if you have like a real heavy dose, if you eat like a big cookie or something, I've done this so many times on planes.

01:23:33.000 When you close your eyes and you have these mad visions, like really nutty.

01:23:38.000 It's always like they look cartoon-like.

01:23:42.000 It's always like they're always very colorful and moving and constantly changing.

01:23:46.000 It's very, very psychedelic.

01:23:48.000 But it's a totally different ride.

01:23:50.000 It's totally different.

01:23:51.000 Put them in pot.

01:23:51.000 Yeah, it's different than smoking it.

01:23:52.000 And everybody that eats that shit is just like, oh, I'm just going to get kind of baked right now.

01:23:56.000 No, dude, this is a fucking buckle your seat belt kind of shit a lot of times.

01:23:59.000 This is going to change your life, homie.

01:24:00.000 Yeah, this is a, you know, turn the TV off.

01:24:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:24:03.000 This is dark by yourself in a dark room in silent darkness.

01:24:08.000 Right.

01:24:08.000 Trying to figure out your life.

01:24:10.000 Totally different.

01:24:11.000 You are going to be freaking out about everything you've ever done ever.

01:24:14.000 I'm like, fuck, what's wrong with me?

01:24:16.000 Right.

01:24:16.000 Fuck.

01:24:17.000 Do I shit together?

01:24:18.000 How do I still work at my job?

01:24:21.000 You know what I mean?

01:24:21.000 That's always people's first one.

01:24:22.000 That's the gate into there is I hate my job.

01:24:25.000 And then it's just that, Tom Segura and I, when we went to Detroit, I gave him an edible right before We got on the plane.

01:24:30.000 Oh, no.

01:24:31.000 And he broke his whole life down on the flight.

01:24:33.000 Four-hour flight.

01:24:34.000 He landed.

01:24:35.000 He goes, Dude, I just figured out a lot of shit about my life.

01:24:37.000 Really?

01:24:38.000 You know, I've done that so many times.

01:24:39.000 Eddie Bravo's done that so many times.

01:24:40.000 Did he do it in your ear or did he do it to himself and mention it?

01:24:43.000 He told me.

01:24:43.000 No, he told me.

01:24:45.000 He said, Dude, I really went through some shit on that flight.

01:24:48.000 Of course, the next day, though, is I really broke it down.

01:24:50.000 I'm a unicorn in my past life.

01:24:53.000 Oh, shit, shit.

01:24:54.000 Oh, Brian.

01:24:56.000 Silly goose.

01:24:57.000 I mean, like, does he believe in that breaking down now?

01:24:59.000 It'd be interesting to talk to him now.

01:25:01.000 I was thinking it's crazy shit.

01:25:02.000 No, it was really objective what he was saying.

01:25:04.000 It was just talking about his diet and his work ethic and a bunch of different things.

01:25:08.000 It was really like, it was obviously things that were bothering him that he hadn't been addressing.

01:25:13.000 I mean, there's some drugs that make it bad, you know, like there are the bad, there's drugs that actually, like, you know, pot, all those different ones have a functionality, and then there's the ones that make it bad for everything.

01:25:23.000 It's like the rotten apple.

01:25:24.000 It's like, no one's ever, ever, ever, I guarantee it, smoked a joint and robbed a bank or done any bullshit like that.

01:25:31.000 That's crazy.

01:25:31.000 You know what I mean?

01:25:32.000 I'm not saying that would be the first thing I did before I robbed the bank.

01:25:35.000 I'm gangsta.

01:25:37.000 But I'm saying not from fucking.

01:25:38.000 Well, I think calling all, putting all drugs under the name, everything that affects your mind under the name drugs is just as ridiculous as one guy getting in an argument with one chick and that guy saying, well, he hates all women.

01:25:50.000 Right, right, I got you.

01:25:51.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:25:52.000 Totally, bro.

01:25:52.000 Totally.

01:25:53.000 They vary in their effects so much.

01:25:56.000 The spectrum is so broad from, you know, I mean, everything is considered a drug.

01:26:01.000 Like, when you go to Saudi Arabia or if you go to Dubai, you know, I know people that were arrested for having melatonin.

01:26:09.000 How about that?

01:26:10.000 Melatonin, which is a naturally occurring substance that helps you sleep.

01:26:13.000 Sweet price.

01:26:14.000 Natural supplement that you buy at the store.

01:26:16.000 People get arrested in Dubai if you have fucking melatonin.

01:26:19.000 Can you make it into another drug?

01:26:20.000 It's like one of those, like, you know, it's nothing.

01:26:22.000 It's just fucking.

01:26:24.000 No, I mean, it's related to a lot of psychedelic compounds chemically, but it's not, I mean, all it does is help you sleep.

01:26:30.000 And, you know, you can get arrested for that shit, man.

01:26:32.000 You can't have it.

01:26:32.000 It's illegal.

01:26:34.000 You know, so there's, and that is such a mild and innocuous, you know, quote-unquote drug or psychoactive herb.

01:26:42.000 I mean, whatever you think.

01:26:43.000 I mean, if it calms you down, I guess it's got to be considered something, right?

01:26:46.000 It's got to be psychoactive.

01:26:47.000 But I mean, it's 100%.

01:26:48.000 I mean, I guess I'm talking about the United States.

01:26:49.000 It's 100% legal.

01:26:50.000 You can get that shit.

01:26:52.000 The variation between that, though, and OxyContins through the roof.

01:26:56.000 Like, how are these two fucking things in the same category?

01:26:59.000 And they shouldn't be.

01:27:00.000 Valium Vellium is a killer, man.

01:27:02.000 I love that shit.

01:27:02.000 That fucking rush limbo thing was going on.

01:27:04.000 How great was that, by the way?

01:27:06.000 I loved it.

01:27:07.000 It's like, well, well, well.

01:27:07.000 I loved it.

01:27:08.000 Pot calling the kettle black.

01:27:10.000 Look at you.

01:27:10.000 Eat 100 pills a day.

01:27:12.000 As a comic, don't you feel like it?

01:27:12.000 Always the case.

01:27:14.000 That's when you just wake up and you see that in the news and you're like, thank you so much.

01:27:19.000 Remember when that one evangelist that was like so against gays?

01:27:23.000 Yeah, bro.

01:27:24.000 And then it comes out he's just sucking tranny dicks and all that stuff.

01:27:28.000 He's drinking out of God's straw.

01:27:30.000 It's the best.

01:27:31.000 You want a coconut juice?

01:27:32.000 I'd love one, dude.

01:27:32.000 You know, as a fan of the podcast, you always hear about this coconut.

01:27:35.000 Coconut juice is the shit.

01:27:36.000 It's really good for you.

01:27:37.000 It's an isotonic beverage, my friend.

01:27:39.000 This is a new company.

01:27:39.000 A natural one.

01:27:40.000 I'm trying these out.

01:27:41.000 They were at the local vegan store.

01:27:44.000 Cheers, cheers.

01:27:46.000 Oh, it's delicious.

01:27:48.000 Ooh, this is just as good.

01:27:49.000 Yeah, that tastes good for you.

01:27:50.000 That's good.

01:27:51.000 Yeah, thank you, baby Jesus.

01:27:53.000 I was hoping.

01:27:53.000 Right?

01:27:54.000 Because the other ones are from Thailand.

01:27:56.000 And I was like, these Thai motherfuckers might have the real shit.

01:27:58.000 You know, this one's from Buena Park.

01:28:00.000 I don't know.

01:28:02.000 It's a world of difference.

01:28:04.000 I mean, that ain't the same, son.

01:28:05.000 Those Buena Park coconuts are so fresh.

01:28:08.000 It's hard to get them from Thailand because it's so awesome in Thailand.

01:28:10.000 It's good, though.

01:28:11.000 They don't want to work all day.

01:28:11.000 It's so beautiful.

01:28:12.000 It's fucking gorgeous.

01:28:13.000 It's windy for us.

01:28:14.000 They're busy doing Muay Thai and checking out dudes dressed up with fucking dresses on.

01:28:19.000 So where'd you get this at?

01:28:19.000 All right, cool.

01:28:20.000 Just a Thai player?

01:28:21.000 Just a regular health food store.

01:28:23.000 You hear me?

01:28:25.000 It's called Follow Your Heart.

01:28:26.000 Amy and Brian coconut juice.

01:28:28.000 It's the shit, son.

01:28:30.000 Coconut juice is so good for you.

01:28:32.000 This is going to sound crazy, but it's true that on battlefields they've used it as transfusions.

01:28:37.000 When people have lost blood, they've given them IVs of coconut juice to replenish their blood.

01:28:42.000 No way.

01:28:43.000 That doesn't seem like that would work.

01:28:44.000 Yeah, that sounds insane.

01:28:46.000 Did you read that on the internet?

01:28:47.000 No, it says it on the can.

01:28:49.000 Oh, weird.

01:28:50.000 I haven't read it on the internet.

01:28:51.000 It probably is more.

01:28:52.000 Well, they can't put it on the can.

01:28:54.000 There's no way somebody would call you on that shit.

01:28:56.000 It must be true.

01:28:59.000 So, speaking of science-y shit, when we're talking about things that we're interested in, there's two things that I wanted to talk about.

01:29:06.000 One, before we get going, because we've been doing this how long?

01:29:09.000 43.

01:29:10.000 Okay.

01:29:11.000 Well, this Richard Dawkins thing is fucking awesome.

01:29:14.000 Richard Dawkins is reading his hate mail in front of a fire.

01:29:18.000 Now, you know, you're always going to get haters.

01:29:21.000 And I mean, I think I don't read my hate mail.

01:29:24.000 I see that someone's saying something douchey.

01:29:26.000 I just delete them.

01:29:28.000 Or on Twitter, I read two words.

01:29:30.000 I know where they're going with it.

01:29:31.000 When you first started getting hate mail, were you kind of like, oh, shit, I'm getting hate mails?

01:29:36.000 Yeah, it's a little weird, but now it doesn't even affect me anymore.

01:29:38.000 Right, right.

01:29:39.000 It used to actually affect me.

01:29:40.000 I'd be like, wow, this is douchey, man.

01:29:42.000 But now I look at it and I'm like, whatever.

01:29:42.000 What the fuck?

01:29:45.000 Right, right, right.

01:29:46.000 I just know who you are now.

01:29:47.000 Now I understand.

01:29:48.000 I think all that shit, I think any contact you have with human beings, you learn more about the broad spectrum of human behavior.

01:29:56.000 And when people are douchey to you, it just lets you know that those douchey people are out there and then you become immune to them.

01:30:02.000 It's like getting bit by rattlesnakes a bunch of times.

01:30:04.000 You know, after a while, you get bit by them and nothing happens.

01:30:04.000 Right, right, right.

01:30:07.000 Right, totally.

01:30:08.000 The first time they bite you, you're fucked.

01:30:09.000 You're fucked.

01:30:09.000 It's really when you first get shit on on the internet.

01:30:13.000 Like people become famous out of nowhere.

01:30:15.000 Oh, like this Antoine Dodson thing.

01:30:17.000 We didn't talk about that.

01:30:19.000 We were in Detroit and the guy from that video, you know, you don't have to come.

01:30:24.000 They're raping everybody up in here.

01:30:25.000 We're going to find you.

01:30:27.000 They made that song about him, the auto-tune song, and the song was really fucking good.

01:30:31.000 The song we talked about on the podcast, song becomes huge.

01:30:33.000 Got a lot of money.

01:30:34.000 This guy is a fucking celebrity now, man.

01:30:37.000 We were in Detroit.

01:30:38.000 This guy was in the front row of the weigh-ins.

01:30:40.000 And I'm introducing fighters.

01:30:42.000 And I'm looking down.

01:30:43.000 I'm like, god damn it, that's Antoine Dodson.

01:30:45.000 I can't even believe this.

01:30:47.000 Like, this is so strange.

01:30:48.000 And then it turns out that Dana White fucking brought the guy there.

01:30:51.000 I was just going to ask how he...

01:30:52.000 Dana brought the guy there, hooked him up, got him tickets, and brought him around to everyone.

01:30:56.000 Like all the ring card girls and all the different fighters and everything.

01:31:00.000 And everyone loves this guy.

01:31:01.000 Everyone is like shaking hands with this guy and taking pictures with this guy.

01:31:04.000 I'm like, whoa, I'm like, this is fucking crazy, man.

01:31:08.000 Daniels should do that all the time.

01:31:10.000 Just find somebody, these internet guys.

01:31:12.000 Like in every city, you got it.

01:31:14.000 Working for a guy like Dana is so fun.

01:31:16.000 Because nothing.

01:31:17.000 He's a badass, right?

01:31:18.000 I've never met him, but he seems like a great guy.

01:31:21.000 Yeah, seems like a great guy.

01:31:22.000 And he's obsessed with making the sport bigger and huger.

01:31:26.000 And he does a lot of nutty shit.

01:31:29.000 Has he got Double Rainbow Guy yet?

01:31:30.000 No.

01:31:31.000 That's what you should get because that guy's actually in him and Mega.

01:31:33.000 They missed the boat on Double Rainbow.

01:31:35.000 And by the way, Double Rainbow Guy never got as big as Antoine Dotson because he didn't have a fucking song.

01:31:40.000 He did.

01:31:41.000 They made many songs.

01:31:42.000 Was the Double Rainbow song any good?

01:31:43.000 Yeah, it was really good.

01:31:44.000 Did we play it?

01:31:45.000 Yeah, we played it.

01:31:45.000 We played it?

01:31:46.000 Yeah, it was good, but that fucking rape song, hide your kids, hide your wife.

01:31:52.000 That's just a jam, dude.

01:31:54.000 Right, it is.

01:31:56.000 My girlfriend was like, have you heard this song?

01:31:58.000 She's like, I can't get it out of my fucking head and played it.

01:32:02.000 And I'm like, just don't do it to me.

01:32:03.000 You know, when people stick shit in your fucking head, couldn't get it out of my head for like a week.

01:32:07.000 It's amazing that music can do that.

01:32:09.000 I've got this whole bit on that that I'm working on.

01:32:11.000 Do you want to listen to this Richard Dawkins?

01:32:13.000 And this is what is.

01:32:13.000 Yes.

01:32:14.000 Well, anyway, segwaking back, segwaking back.

01:32:18.000 I don't like reading hate mail.

01:32:19.000 It's like, I know what you're saying.

01:32:20.000 I don't need to hear it.

01:32:22.000 It's one thing if there's a criticism, if someone's reasonable and rational and they have something to say.

01:32:26.000 You can learn from them.

01:32:27.000 But you only learn so much from people doing douchey shit.

01:32:30.000 So I don't invite it.

01:32:31.000 You can invite it.

01:32:33.000 I remember Menstelia used to have a thing on his website.

01:32:36.000 He had love mail and hate mail.

01:32:39.000 You could send him hate mail, but it was so over.

01:32:41.000 That's a well mail.

01:32:42.000 I'd like to see how that tipping of that scale.

01:32:44.000 He got beaten down by the fucking tsunami of shit mail of death.

01:32:49.000 Shutting the site down and shit.

01:32:51.000 Yeah, and so he had to abandon that shit.

01:32:53.000 He had to abandon all ideas of that.

01:32:56.000 But the idea is that you don't want to give someone the green light to go and be a douche.

01:33:02.000 Oh, yeah.

01:33:03.000 Just tell the people that are on the fence.

01:33:05.000 Right, right, right.

01:33:06.000 That's what kind of sucks about editing heckler videos when we used to do a lot of heckler videos.

01:33:10.000 Is that it opens Pandora's box because they want a video made for them?

01:33:13.000 Me and Joe had like maybe 10 more heckler videos since our last one that we could have done, but then we're like, let's just not do that.

01:33:19.000 It's just drunk idiots.

01:33:21.000 It's just people looking for their attention.

01:33:22.000 I love that one video that you guys had when it was out to the comedy store and you did the OR or whatever, when you were doing like Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.

01:33:28.000 That one chick that was like, Joe Rogan, you're fat.

01:33:32.000 And you're like, bitch, and you lift up your shirt.

01:33:32.000 Remember that one?

01:33:34.000 It's like a 50 pack.

01:33:35.000 He's got like a 50 pack.

01:33:37.000 And she's like, well.

01:33:38.000 That was weird, man.

01:33:38.000 That was weird.

01:33:40.000 That didn't even make sense.

01:33:41.000 I know.

01:33:42.000 I guess it was because I had puffy clothes on.

01:33:43.000 I had like a sweatshirt on.

01:33:45.000 I don't think that you did, though, because I was there and I remember being like, I had layers.

01:33:48.000 I just had layers.

01:33:49.000 Right, right, right.

01:33:50.000 Because I remember I had a wool, a knit hat on.

01:33:52.000 So it must have been cold.

01:33:53.000 Yeah, it's probably like this time of year.

01:33:55.000 If you guys want to see it, I was hoping she was going to hurt my feelings, man.

01:33:57.000 Yeah.

01:33:58.000 It's called Joe Rogan Fat, so if you Google it.

01:34:00.000 Oh, yeah, it's still out there.

01:34:02.000 Yeah, that's a funny one.

01:34:03.000 Google that.

01:34:03.000 That girl was so mean, and they were such dumb.

01:34:05.000 Because she had said like a bunch of different shit, and you were just shooting her down, shooting her down, shooting her down.

01:34:09.000 And then she's like, you're fat.

01:34:12.000 It's her birthday.

01:34:14.000 It's always somebody's birthday.

01:34:15.000 And they wouldn't shut the fuck up.

01:34:17.000 They sat in the front row and they disrupted every comic and people kept yelling and screaming.

01:34:23.000 And then after I got off stage, they came up to me like they wanted to take pictures.

01:34:27.000 That's always the one.

01:34:28.000 I was like, you were the guys who wouldn't shut the fuck up, man.

01:34:30.000 You guys ruined the whole show.

01:34:31.000 Oh, come on.

01:34:32.000 Don't be an asshole.

01:34:33.000 Yeah, right.

01:34:34.000 Look, I'm just.

01:34:34.000 Be an asshole.

01:34:35.000 I was trying to help you.

01:34:36.000 She goes, you're fat.

01:34:36.000 Yeah.

01:34:37.000 She's like puffing her cheeks out.

01:34:37.000 You're fat.

01:34:40.000 Right.

01:34:40.000 She goes, you're fat.

01:34:41.000 That was so gay.

01:34:42.000 It was bizarre.

01:34:43.000 It was like, it was like, you know, she's like, you're Chinese.

01:34:46.000 You know, like, you know, exactly.

01:34:47.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:34:48.000 You're a refrigerator.

01:34:49.000 It's like, it didn't make any sense.

01:34:49.000 Right.

01:34:51.000 You know, you want to call me short.

01:34:52.000 I'm short.

01:34:52.000 You would be correct.

01:34:53.000 Right.

01:34:54.000 You can't hurt my feelings with that, you dumb cunt.

01:34:54.000 But I know that.

01:34:57.000 Cunt.

01:34:57.000 Right.

01:34:58.000 Dumb cuntosaurus.

01:34:59.000 So anyway, stupid.

01:35:00.000 I don't think, and back to the whole idea of hecklers.

01:35:04.000 Giving people the opportunity saying, hey, you know, come send me some hate mail.

01:35:07.000 They'll take it.

01:35:08.000 going to take it.

01:35:08.000 There's a lot of people on the fence I just want to get your attention.

01:35:14.000 The funny thing is, if you're like, hey, everybody, please send me some positive feedback from my stand-up.

01:35:18.000 Nothing.

01:35:19.000 People have no intention of fucking doing that.

01:35:21.000 Hey, man, feel free to heckle me.

01:35:22.000 It's just raining Facebook posts and messages on you.

01:35:25.000 No matter what you're talking about.

01:35:27.000 No, I'm just saying, no matter who you are, it's just like people fucking.

01:35:30.000 Yeah, well, that is true.

01:35:31.000 But, you know, you get a lot.

01:35:32.000 I get most of my interaction online, literally, the majority, maybe 90 plus percent, is all positive.

01:35:40.000 Oh, of course.

01:35:40.000 It's a small amount of douchey people.

01:35:42.000 And it's very satisfying in that respect.

01:35:45.000 And my crowds, too.

01:35:46.000 I mean, dude, I have like the best crowds.

01:35:49.000 Everywhere I go, I am always honored by how nice everybody is and cool.

01:35:53.000 And people come out and say, you have a pretty badass fanbase.

01:35:55.000 They're fucking nice people, man.

01:35:57.000 They're nice, cool people.

01:35:58.000 You put that out there, and that's the kind of people that respond.

01:36:01.000 You're always going to have a few idiots.

01:36:02.000 Sure.

01:36:04.000 But considering what I do, considering that I do fucking cage fighting commentary, that I used to do the UFC.

01:36:10.000 I mean, God.

01:36:11.000 If you're a gambling man, you would think that you're a fucking parking lot with like both hooks in, taken back.

01:36:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:36:19.000 It should be all everyone with tribal tattoos, neck tattoos.

01:36:23.000 No, yeah.

01:36:23.000 It should be everyone has foil on their shirt with Japanese writing.

01:36:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:28.000 And, you know, even those people that show up, they're nice too, man.

01:36:30.000 Dude, yeah, they're just, they just, you know.

01:36:32.000 Who do you think has the douchiest crowds?

01:36:35.000 Richard Dawkins.

01:36:38.000 What?

01:36:39.000 Richard Dawkins.

01:36:40.000 He doesn't have crowds, bro.

01:36:41.000 He's not a comedian.

01:36:42.000 There's a comic who has a douchiest crowd.

01:36:43.000 Oh, boy.

01:36:44.000 Dane Cook's probably.

01:36:45.000 Who's the guy with the puppets?

01:36:47.000 Jeff Dunham's got to have a douchey crowd.

01:36:49.000 Jeff Dunham, you know, won't make fun of Christians.

01:36:51.000 He makes fun of everything because he, but he won't make fun of Christians because he's a fan of the public.

01:36:54.000 Yeah, because that's his fucking argument.

01:36:55.000 He wouldn't go for that.

01:36:56.000 Yeah, dude.

01:36:56.000 That's who buys his fucking puppet t-shirts and shit.

01:36:59.000 Well, I guess, you know, when you're making that kind of cash, though, that guy's like roping him in all over the world.

01:37:04.000 Top 10 grossing comes.

01:37:05.000 I saw a thing in People or some magazine thing.

01:37:07.000 He was top 10 grossing comments.

01:37:09.000 Yeah, he's making mad loot.

01:37:10.000 And he's all squeaky clean.

01:37:11.000 And it's all like weird, thinly veiled racism and shit.

01:37:15.000 You know, it's all like anti-Arab shit.

01:37:17.000 It's like the funny thing about him is, dude, like as a ventriloquist, he's not even a, like, his mouth moves as much as my fucking mouth is moving right now.

01:37:24.000 Like, it's like.

01:37:25.000 He's just like, fuck it.

01:37:26.000 I'm just going to let the puppet.

01:37:27.000 I don't even care.

01:37:28.000 I'm not going to try to trick anybody.

01:37:29.000 There's shit I don't get.

01:37:30.000 And I'm not hating.

01:37:32.000 You know, I don't get it.

01:37:32.000 There's a lot of music I don't get.

01:37:34.000 There's a lot of comedy I don't get.

01:37:35.000 Yeah, man.

01:37:35.000 Each to each is on, man.

01:37:37.000 You have your audience.

01:37:38.000 I don't know who else.

01:37:38.000 Who else would have a douchey audience?

01:37:39.000 Who else would have?

01:37:40.000 And Stelia is a terrible audience.

01:37:41.000 Yeah, of course.

01:37:42.000 Definitely.

01:37:43.000 They might be the worst.

01:37:44.000 They're probably the worst.

01:37:44.000 Right.

01:37:45.000 They're poor fucks.

01:37:46.000 They're just sad.

01:37:47.000 They're clinging to embers.

01:37:50.000 Yeah, there's like, there's like, yeah, totally.

01:37:52.000 And I don't know.

01:37:53.000 I mean, it's funny to me, like, you know, because everybody busts his balls for Steelia.

01:37:56.000 Stand closeness.

01:37:58.000 He has the most psychos.

01:38:00.000 He's incredible, dude.

01:38:01.000 You know, he is, like, we were talking about him the other day.

01:38:03.000 He is, to stand-up comedy, what, like, the Grateful Dead were to music.

01:38:07.000 Like, he has a real following.

01:38:09.000 Like, people travel to follow him.

01:38:11.000 And it's like, you know, people don't really know the industry, quote unquote, they don't know what to fucking do with this.

01:38:15.000 They want to do something with him, but they don't know what to do with it.

01:38:19.000 And he doesn't give a fuck.

01:38:20.000 He's doing it.

01:38:21.000 That's counterculture right there.

01:38:23.000 That is what it really is, bro.

01:38:25.000 That's alternative fucking comedy.

01:38:26.000 Yeah.

01:38:26.000 It's Doug Stanhope.

01:38:27.000 I totally agree.

01:38:28.000 Check out Doug Stanhope's comedy if you guys don't know who we're talking about.

01:38:31.000 I can't believe you wouldn't, but.

01:38:32.000 Yeah, if you haven't heard, but there's a lot of people that are just getting into this podcast now.

01:38:35.000 Sure, of course.

01:38:36.000 And there's a lot of shit that we talk about.

01:38:38.000 I mean, like things like, you know, that it should be like comedy.

01:38:40.000 That's real alternative stand-up, I think.

01:38:42.000 I think that's the way that shit goes, where it's like, fuck competitions, fuck fucking, you know, festivals.

01:38:48.000 Really, most of it is even fuck comedy clubs.

01:38:50.000 He's not even hardly doing it.

01:38:51.000 Absolutely, yeah.

01:38:52.000 He does a few every now and then, but it's really now because he's gotten such a draw and people are so aware of it that he can kind of call the shots now.

01:38:59.000 They know, like, hey, Stanhope's going to be in town.

01:39:02.000 You can either have, you know, 50 people in your crowd on Thursday night or you can have 300.

01:39:06.000 It'll be selling out in advance.

01:39:08.000 You know, but he doesn't want to hear any of your bullshit.

01:39:11.000 And he does it all through the internet and his relationships that he has at radio stations.

01:39:15.000 That being said, he's got some psychotic crowds.

01:39:19.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:20.000 His crowds are the most drunk.

01:39:21.000 They're the craziest.

01:39:22.000 Right, for obvious reasons.

01:39:24.000 Yeah, I've met a couple guys, two now, that have Doug Stanhope tattoos.

01:39:28.000 That's so crazy, man.

01:39:29.000 One guy had Sicko tattooed on his arm in the same way as the title of one of Doug's CDs.

01:39:35.000 CDs, I'm like, wow, that's strong.

01:39:39.000 But that guy's a real stand-up.

01:39:41.000 Like, if you want to talk about industry bullshit, he's not trying to get on a fucking sitcom.

01:39:46.000 That dude wants to do stand-up.

01:39:47.000 Yeah, and what he does is awesome.

01:39:49.000 And he's great.

01:39:50.000 He's not trying to be anything that he's not.

01:39:52.000 He's really just trying to figure things out and make them funny and talk about it on stage.

01:39:55.000 And a fucking great guy, too.

01:39:57.000 Yeah, the boot.

01:39:57.000 The best.

01:39:58.000 The best.

01:39:58.000 What about Ralphie Mae's audience?

01:40:00.000 I don't know.

01:40:01.000 Hungriest audience.

01:40:02.000 The fungi.

01:40:06.000 That would be a weird audience.

01:40:07.000 I've never even been to a real Ralphie Mae comedy.

01:40:10.000 Well, what's weird is there's certain people that have audiences that's entirely ethnic and they're gigantic.

01:40:15.000 Like Maz Jabrani has a huge audience.

01:40:18.000 And it's all like Persian people.

01:40:20.000 There's a lot of white people too that like him.

01:40:21.000 But I mean, he's a huge star in the Persian community.

01:40:25.000 Sure.

01:40:26.000 You know, like diplomats from Iran will go to see Maz Gibrani perform comedy.

01:40:30.000 Yeah.

01:40:30.000 Like he's like the shit in that community.

01:40:33.000 There's no one even close.

01:40:34.000 They just shot this thing for DirecTV that Maz was in.

01:40:38.000 It's the first stand-up comedy show they shot at the Live Factory that's in 3D.

01:40:42.000 Whoa.

01:40:42.000 Like you can wear like 3D glasses.

01:40:44.000 It's like for those new 3D televisions.

01:40:46.000 Like I guess DirecTV, if you have DirecTV, they're doing their own 3D channel.

01:40:50.000 Dude, they're doing 3D games, right?

01:40:52.000 Call of Duty.

01:40:52.000 Yeah.

01:40:53.000 3D games and 3D laptops now.

01:40:56.000 They have 3D laptops.

01:40:57.000 That's stupid to me.

01:40:57.000 Yeah.

01:40:59.000 Yeah, laptops are for portable use.

01:40:59.000 Is it?

01:41:02.000 What are you going to be taking your 3D games to the airport and stuff?

01:41:05.000 Yeah.

01:41:06.000 Dude, some people who travel, they travel with those fucking Alienware things.

01:41:09.000 Dudes who are really hardcore.

01:41:11.000 I ran into some chick the other day at the coffee shop.

01:41:13.000 She had one of those Alienware things.

01:41:15.000 What's an Alienwear?

01:41:15.000 Alienware is like a company that makes gaming computers.

01:41:18.000 They make high-end PCs with like serious graphics for cards and for the people that never see the sun.

01:41:25.000 Yeah, and this fucking gaming computer this chick had was like old school thick.

01:41:29.000 It was like phone book thick.

01:41:31.000 Right, right, right.

01:41:32.000 Had a crank on the side of it.

01:41:33.000 Yeah, and her power thing, the thing that's on the cable, you know, the brick?

01:41:36.000 What is that called?

01:41:37.000 The brick that's part of the power cable?

01:41:38.000 What is that brick part called?

01:41:40.000 The brick.

01:41:41.000 Is that what it's called?

01:41:42.000 Is that what it's called?

01:41:43.000 Good guess, yeah.

01:41:44.000 Her brick was, like, I have a Mac laptop.

01:41:47.000 Hers was at least four, if not five times bigger than mine.

01:41:52.000 It was giant.

01:41:53.000 But I bet she has 20 USB ports where mine's only rocking two.

01:41:56.000 You know, that's so annoying.

01:41:58.000 That's one good thing about those big-ass laptops.

01:42:00.000 They have everything you want.

01:42:02.000 It has Blu-ray.

01:42:03.000 They have everything.

01:42:04.000 There's certain things that you can't get if you have a Mac.

01:42:07.000 Like if you have Blu-ray discs, you can't play them.

01:42:10.000 They just don't play.

01:42:10.000 I understand that, though.

01:42:12.000 I don't really.

01:42:13.000 I think that's stupid.

01:42:14.000 I think if it's available, it should be an option.

01:42:17.000 I think it should be an option for anybody who's selling computers.

01:42:19.000 If you have that shit, it's a big part of your home standard.

01:42:21.000 And especially if you claim to be the best.

01:42:23.000 I mean, Macs, for the most part, I mean, I'm a Mac guy.

01:42:25.000 I understand that they don't want to accept that Sony came up with the standard, you know, It is some ego shit.

01:42:31.000 Blu-rays are popular as fuck.

01:42:33.000 Well, I think.

01:42:34.000 Stop being cunts.

01:42:35.000 Yeah, well, I think the whole point is that we're moving to just straight digital media.

01:42:38.000 Like, this is going to be a quick run for this Blu-ray, and especially when Apple is the number one selling.

01:42:44.000 How quick?

01:42:45.000 It's been a few years.

01:42:46.000 In technological terms, that's a lifetime.

01:42:48.000 But that's like stabbing Apple in the back because instead of, you know, if you don't have a Blu-ray player, you know, you're not going to use Blu-rays on your laptop.

01:42:55.000 So instead, you're going to be using iTunes and downloading kick-ass for $3 off iTunes.

01:43:00.000 Yeah, but what if you don't have a home stereo or a home theater system that's connected to a computer?

01:43:05.000 There's a lot of people.

01:43:05.000 Yeah.

01:43:06.000 No, so you're probably using a DVD then because the resolution for your screen doesn't matter anyway.

01:43:06.000 That's iPhone 3.

01:43:11.000 But it does if you have Blu-ray.

01:43:12.000 If you have a Blu-ray and you have a big screen?

01:43:14.000 No, no, I'm saying for your laptop.

01:43:16.000 Okay, but what I'm saying is that if a dude has a Blu-ray and he has a Blu-ray DVD player and he watches it on his big screen and he buys a Blu-ray disc and he wants to watch the rest of it on his flight to fucking New Jersey, he should be able to stick that shit in his laptop.

01:43:29.000 Well, that's why a lot of them come with a digital.

01:43:33.000 A lot of them don't.

01:43:34.000 I would say at least half of them don't.

01:43:36.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:43:37.000 They used to all have it, right?

01:43:40.000 I actually was under the impression that they used to not, and now they neither split it up.

01:43:46.000 For that exact reason that you're talking about is that people are being like, that sucks because I can only watch it on my one fucking TV in my basement and I can't watch it.

01:43:53.000 And Amazon just started this thing where it's like you buy the movie from Amazon and you can immediately watch it On your computer.

01:44:01.000 Oh, really?

01:44:02.000 Oh, that's kind of interesting.

01:44:04.000 I do agree with you, though.

01:44:05.000 It is a pit stop.

01:44:06.000 Eventually, all media will be just coming through the air.

01:44:09.000 It's a short pit stop.

01:44:11.000 That's what Apple's, I guess, looking at it as.

01:44:13.000 It's like, it's going to add $100 to your laptop.

01:44:16.000 Is it worth it for something that we're going to take out in like two years, probably?

01:44:21.000 Three years, probably.

01:44:22.000 3D games on your fucking laptop.

01:44:25.000 Dude, just technology now.

01:44:26.000 I mean, just like, look at this fucking room for the, you know what I mean?

01:44:29.000 Like, how fucking game is.

01:44:30.000 Dude, you can't get Blu-ray players.

01:44:31.000 Dude, 10 years ago.

01:44:32.000 Imagine an iPhone.

01:44:33.000 If I would have told you about an iPhone 10 years ago, you'd be like, get the fuck out of here, Tebo.

01:44:38.000 You're fucking crazy.

01:44:38.000 Exactly.

01:44:39.000 Yeah, right.

01:44:39.000 You can do all that.

01:44:41.000 When did you get your first cell phone?

01:44:43.000 I got my first cell phone in, I want to say, 94-ish?

01:44:50.000 93-ish.

01:44:50.000 93.

01:44:51.000 Early 90s.

01:44:53.000 I had a car phone way back in 1988.

01:44:55.000 You had that big-ass one with the car.

01:44:57.000 It was actually connected to the car.

01:44:58.000 I couldn't even go anywhere with it, but it's the same thing.

01:45:00.000 Sure.

01:45:01.000 And then I had a real phone I didn't get until I moved to New York, or to LA, rather.

01:45:05.000 So it was like probably the same, like 94.

01:45:07.000 Right, yeah.

01:45:08.000 Big-ass brick.

01:45:09.000 Those Motorola flip things.

01:45:11.000 What were those things called?

01:45:12.000 The really bitching Motorola ones?

01:45:14.000 Star Tex.

01:45:15.000 Remember that?

01:45:16.000 You're not talking about the one.

01:45:18.000 You're not the one that had the briefcase one.

01:45:19.000 You're talking about like a real fucking fat one.

01:45:21.000 Oh, yeah.

01:45:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:45:22.000 It was a Motorola.

01:45:23.000 Uh-huh.

01:45:23.000 Star Trek.

01:45:24.000 Sure.

01:45:24.000 They would call it Star Tex.

01:45:25.000 Yeah, it had the bottom that flipped out, but it was only just for your voice.

01:45:28.000 It didn't have anything else on there.

01:45:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:45:30.000 It was Motorola.

01:45:32.000 Had that cord you could pull out.

01:45:33.000 You know what I mean?

01:45:34.000 I remember that.

01:45:34.000 It would push in.

01:45:35.000 Remember that?

01:45:36.000 A lot of them had to do it.

01:45:36.000 Antennas?

01:45:37.000 You'd have to put them on your car for shit.

01:45:37.000 Dude, antennas.

01:45:40.000 Yeah, what is going on with this Apple antenna, Brian?

01:45:42.000 Have they figured that thing out?

01:45:43.000 Where if you hold the phone a certain way, you don't get any signal?

01:45:45.000 Is that all bullshit?

01:45:46.000 I don't think it bothers anyone.

01:45:48.000 I've heard that it was bullshit, and I heard that it wasn't.

01:45:50.000 I also heard that it was on the side that if you're left-handed, it covers it.

01:45:55.000 Oh, so it's death to lefties.

01:45:57.000 Yeah, so I'm left-handed shit.

01:46:00.000 Can you imagine if you were left-handed and you grew up back when people would burn people for being left-handed?

01:46:04.000 Yeah, I am actually left-handed.

01:46:06.000 Yeah, there was times where people were, they would correct people, and if they didn't correct them, they didn't trust them.

01:46:10.000 They wanted to kill them.

01:46:11.000 Yeah.

01:46:12.000 They were witches because they're left-handed.

01:46:15.000 Dude, that just goes to show you people are dumb as fuck and always have been.

01:46:18.000 And they'll find any group to be a part of.

01:46:21.000 People feared people being different.

01:46:23.000 And that's always the case, man.

01:46:25.000 It's always the case.

01:46:26.000 That's what racism is about.

01:46:27.000 It's what sexism, all this homophobia is just like, man, that guy's not like me.

01:46:32.000 Let's kill him.

01:46:33.000 Anybody with me?

01:46:34.000 There's a little of that, but they're also fearing what they're afraid of seeing in themselves.

01:46:34.000 Who's in?

01:46:38.000 Absolutely.

01:46:39.000 Yeah, totally, totally, totally.

01:46:41.000 90% of the people that are gay bash are probably just fighting off some internal need to suck some cock.

01:46:46.000 Yep.

01:46:47.000 Or the fear of the, even if it's before it's more upstream than that, they're afraid that it's contagious and it might get on them.

01:46:56.000 It's like, man, if he's gay, what's next?

01:46:56.000 You know what I mean?

01:46:58.000 Me?

01:46:58.000 Get me the fuck.

01:46:59.000 It's a fascinating discussion when you have with people when you talk about gay being a choice or not being a choice.

01:47:04.000 What's your thought on it?

01:47:05.000 Because I actually, I don't think.

01:47:07.000 I think it is absolutely both.

01:47:07.000 I think it's both.

01:47:09.000 You know, I think there's a lot of people.

01:47:10.000 I think there are people that are born with it and there are people that choose to do it.

01:47:13.000 You know, there was a Roman study, Roman, not Roman, back in Roman times, but Rome, Italy.

01:47:19.000 They did a study where they concluded that there is a very, it's very likely that homosexuality comes from a variation of the X chromosome and that it's inherited from oversexual women.

01:47:29.000 And that oversexual women, it may actually be some sort of a variation that was designed to make sure that they get pregnant and ensure their survival back in tough times.

01:47:38.000 They had to be like really slutty and not just really slutty, but slutty with a bunch of different men.

01:47:42.000 And what they found out is that women who are promiscuous are much more likely, in this study at least, to produce homosexual children.

01:47:49.000 And that when they looked at homosexual children, a statistical majority, like you could look at it on paper and go, wow, these women have, you know, they're horrible.

01:47:59.000 That's fucking fascinating.

01:48:00.000 It's interesting.

01:48:00.000 It makes sense.

01:48:01.000 I mean, absolutely makes a lot of sense why women want to fuck men.

01:48:04.000 A lot of why some girls are just freaks.

01:48:06.000 There's some girls that just will fuck everybody.

01:48:09.000 And they're like that from the jump.

01:48:11.000 There was a girl that I dated when I was in high school, and this bitch will fuck anyone.

01:48:11.000 Yeah, totally.

01:48:15.000 She fucked everyone.

01:48:15.000 Anyone.

01:48:16.000 She was crazy.

01:48:18.000 Didn't you have bits about it?

01:48:20.000 Or no, you did that sex show that I did with Ari.

01:48:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:48:23.000 Totally true story.

01:48:24.000 I came home.

01:48:24.000 This chick was so crazy.

01:48:26.000 I came home one day.

01:48:26.000 There was this other dude that my sister used to hang out with.

01:48:29.000 And I was like, I wasn't sure if we were still dating anymore.

01:48:32.000 It was one of those things we'd get in arguments.

01:48:34.000 We never were really going steady.

01:48:37.000 Is this who you lost your virginity to?

01:48:39.000 No, it was not.

01:48:39.000 Oh, okay.

01:48:40.000 It's a different one.

01:48:40.000 Okay, this is later.

01:48:41.000 And so this girl was so crazy that she was getting fingered in the front seat of a car in front of my house at like 4 o'clock in the morning.

01:48:51.000 I had to get up because I had a newspaper route.

01:48:52.000 I used to deliver newspapers.

01:48:54.000 I had a van and everything, and I would go and deliver the Boston Globe and the Boston Herald.

01:48:58.000 And on Sunday, I had to get up wicked early.

01:48:59.000 I had to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning.

01:49:01.000 Wicked.

01:49:02.000 Way to represent, Joe.

01:49:03.000 Way to represent.

01:49:03.000 Representing wicked early.

01:49:05.000 So it was like 4 o'clock in the morning.

01:49:07.000 I had to get up.

01:49:08.000 And I get out of my house.

01:49:10.000 I'm fucking waking up.

01:49:11.000 I'm so tired, right?

01:49:12.000 I'm thinking, man, Dunkin' Donuts isn't even open yet, right?

01:49:15.000 And I got to go to work.

01:49:16.000 So I get in my truck.

01:49:18.000 And as I'm walking towards my truck, I see that this kid, I forget his name, he's parked right behind me on my street, right in the street.

01:49:25.000 At 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning, and his hands go like this.

01:49:28.000 He's fingering her, and he's like making out with her.

01:49:32.000 And so I stand in front of the car watching this, and they're totally oblivious that anyone's in front of them.

01:49:37.000 And they're like drunk.

01:49:39.000 They probably drove drunk.

01:49:40.000 Yeah, right.

01:49:40.000 And he's fingering her, and she's in the front seat, and she's like, and then I slam my hand on the hood of the car.

01:49:48.000 And I look at both of them and I go, ah, and that's all I said.

01:49:54.000 And then I got in my car and I drove away.

01:49:56.000 And that was like, so right before you walked out of your house or apartment, whatever at that point in time, you're like, I'm not sure if my girlfriend is.

01:50:04.000 This is my girlfriend.

01:50:05.000 I'm not sure if this is my girlfriend or not.

01:50:05.000 Okay.

01:50:06.000 I'm not sure where we should be.

01:50:07.000 It was so crazy.

01:50:08.000 It was just a girl.

01:50:09.000 I mean, she was never my girlfriend.

01:50:11.000 Right, right, right.

01:50:11.000 It was like, and she would, you know, we had like a thing where she wanted to be my girlfriend and I didn't want her to be, I wanted another girl to be my girlfriend.

01:50:18.000 So I said no.

01:50:19.000 And then I asked her, do you want to be my girlfriend later?

01:50:22.000 And she was no, because you said no the first time.

01:50:23.000 So I was like, all right, whatever.

01:50:25.000 This shit went on for like a year.

01:50:26.000 Yeah, all the while you're banging her.

01:50:28.000 Yeah, always.

01:50:30.000 She would bang you after a date with another dude.

01:50:32.000 This bitch was crazy.

01:50:34.000 Right, right, right.

01:50:34.000 She just never would say no.

01:50:36.000 Are you Facebook friends with her now?

01:50:37.000 No, I don't want to be.

01:50:37.000 It's crazy.

01:50:39.000 She would just bang anybody.

01:50:41.000 I used to talk about it.

01:50:42.000 Like, Her with Dick was like a kitten with a ball of yarn.

01:50:46.000 You couldn't even drag a ball of yarn in front of a kitten.

01:50:48.000 They're going to dive on that.

01:50:49.000 Right.

01:50:49.000 That's like her with Dick.

01:50:50.000 Everyone who tried to fuck this girl fucked her.

01:50:53.000 And she was really pretty.

01:50:54.000 I want to see what she looks like now.

01:50:55.000 She was probably, I don't want to say.

01:50:59.000 I don't want to say.

01:50:59.000 I'm trying to be a positive person.

01:51:01.000 Yeah, no more hate.

01:51:01.000 She probably looks exactly like Richard Dawkins.

01:51:04.000 Why don't you play that shit?

01:51:06.000 Play that.

01:51:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:07.000 This is Richard Dawkins sitting in front of a fire, and he's reading hate mail.

01:51:11.000 What's the name on the Twitter or the YouTube video?

01:51:14.000 Richard Dawkins reads hate mail.

01:51:17.000 Hate emails.

01:51:18.000 And he's sitting in front of a fire With his feet propped up On his laptop With a big smile on his face And he's reading this shit And all these fucking Knuckleheads Richard Dawkins Is a very famous atheist And an intellectual But the very existence of your animosity, hatred, and mockery towards him proves your hypocrisy.

01:51:41.000 I suggest that you find the longest crowbar you can find to pull your head out of your behalf.

01:51:48.000 If there is no order in evolution, how were you born with your head on your shoulders?

01:51:54.000 They get it.

01:51:58.000 No, I meant they get it, you're so smart in your own eyes, you can't comprehend simple Bible passages and misconstrue them for your own bullshit dogma.

01:52:09.000 I read your book about the Bible.

01:52:11.000 It is totally sucks ass.

01:52:17.000 Your theory sucks.

01:52:19.000 You are not as wise as you think you are.

01:52:21.000 You hypocrites want to condemn anybody for making mistakes or believing different from your bullshit retard atheism dogma.

01:52:30.000 Hawking's books are fucking stupid bullshit.

01:52:35.000 then it's a shot in the fire in your life then what is the point of your life pointless when you die that's it game over how pointless is that i really feel sorry for you all but it's not too late to turn to god There's a lot of people listening going, yeah.

01:52:55.000 Frank atheist.

01:52:56.000 This is what God says about you.

01:52:59.000 You are a fool.

01:53:01.000 You are a fool.

01:53:01.000 That's four words.

01:53:02.000 And that's like how they speak for God.

01:53:07.000 I defy any of my co-religionists to tell me they do not laugh at the idea of Dawkins burning in hell.

01:53:16.000 I always love that.

01:53:17.000 You suck.

01:53:18.000 Go burn in hell.

01:53:19.000 Satan will enjoy torturing you.

01:53:22.000 What happened?

01:53:23.000 Mum didn't pay enough attention to you, so you decided to rebel.

01:53:27.000 I hope for your own sake you see your grave mistake and repent.

01:53:31.000 God dwells among as every day.

01:53:34.000 You are the spawn of evil.

01:53:36.000 Christian living for God.

01:53:41.000 I hope you die slowly and you fucking burn in hell, you damned blasphemy.

01:53:48.000 Right now you are rotting on the inside, but you must know that there is indeed a God, a great God, and he will forgive you if you regret from your fucking behaviour.

01:54:00.000 You should realise that your entire life has been a delusion.

01:54:03.000 And that right now, your destiny is all fucked up.

01:54:07.000 Fucking atheist.

01:54:08.000 Oh, brilliant.

01:54:12.000 Our God is a loving God.

01:54:15.000 But if you keep peddling this kind of filth, then I pity you when Jesus returns.

01:54:23.000 I hate your fucking guts.

01:54:26.000 Sincerely.

01:54:27.000 Ha ha, you fucking dumbass.

01:54:30.000 I hope you get hit by a church van tonight and you die slowly.

01:54:36.000 Such loving people.

01:54:38.000 Wow.

01:54:39.000 Okay.

01:54:43.000 Thank you for joining us.

01:54:44.000 Well, dude, it's guys like that that get their lives threatened.

01:54:47.000 I mean, those can be a marked man.

01:54:50.000 If he was talking about Islam, he'd probably already be dead.

01:54:53.000 I mean, religious fanatics are the scariest fucking people in the world to me.

01:54:58.000 Poor fuck.

01:54:59.000 By the way, if you're listening to this and you're a religious fanatic, my name's Ari Shafir.

01:55:02.000 Yeah, and my phone number is...

01:55:06.000 You remember when we used to give out his phone number on stage?

01:55:09.000 Yeah, Duncan actually had it on websites and everything.

01:55:14.000 Yeah, we would say after show.

01:55:15.000 And if you enjoyed Ari, his phone number is people would write that down.

01:55:21.000 His phone would be ringing all night.

01:55:23.000 Didn't that happen?

01:55:23.000 Yeah.

01:55:24.000 Totally.

01:55:24.000 Oh, yeah, it did.

01:55:25.000 Who did that on stage with him?

01:55:26.000 Duncan, I thought.

01:55:27.000 Was it Duncan?

01:55:28.000 Yeah.

01:55:28.000 Sounds like Duncan.

01:55:30.000 Right in his wheelhouse.

01:55:32.000 Duncan is so fucking crazy.

01:55:34.000 Dusty used to play elaborate.

01:55:36.000 They used to break into each other's house.

01:55:38.000 Like Duncan pissed in a glass.

01:55:41.000 When they were neighbors, Duncan broke into Ari's place and pissed in a glass and put it in his refrigerator.

01:55:45.000 Oh, my God.

01:55:46.000 It's like Ari opens his refrigerator and he's like, what the?

01:55:48.000 You know what I mean?

01:55:49.000 They used to steal each other's mail.

01:55:50.000 They used to do all kinds of terrible shit to each other.

01:55:53.000 That's hilarious.

01:55:54.000 Before we leave, there's another thing that I want to talk about that's pretty fucking crazy.

01:55:57.000 And I think you get into this because you're in a weird shit.

01:56:00.000 This is phys.

01:56:02.000 Brian, god damn it.

01:56:04.000 Physicists from the University of Bonn, I don't know where that is, have developed.

01:56:08.000 It's Germany.

01:56:08.000 Is it?

01:56:09.000 Yes, it is Germany.

01:56:10.000 Thank you very much.

01:56:11.000 They've developed a completely new source of light, a so-called Bose-Einstein condensate consisting of photons.

01:56:20.000 Until recently, now, whatever the fuck this means, experts had thought that this was impossible, and this method may potentially be suitable for designing novel light sources resembling lasers that will work in the X-ray range.

01:56:32.000 Among other applications, they might allow building more powerful computer chips, and these scientists are reporting their discovery in the upcoming issue of the journal Nature.

01:56:41.000 So these motherfuckers have figured out a new form of light.

01:56:45.000 A new source of light.

01:56:46.000 That's cool.

01:56:48.000 They're never going to run out of discoveries.

01:56:50.000 Oh, no.

01:56:50.000 I don't know.

01:56:52.000 Until they find the one that just kills all of mankind.

01:56:54.000 That's the only way that ends.

01:56:56.000 There's collider.

01:56:58.000 You think that's it?

01:57:00.000 How many layers does this fucking onion have?

01:57:02.000 Is there a core?

01:57:02.000 Do they keep inventing shit?

01:57:05.000 The core is time travel, or the core is once it all becomes interlinked.

01:57:10.000 I think the core of it is just an understanding of the universe and how it relates to itself.

01:57:15.000 That time travel theme comes up here on the show a lot.

01:57:18.000 We've had a lot of us that are, that are, you know, the idea of it.

01:57:21.000 Look, the idea of sending a picture through the air to you or I, you know, if we had to come up with it on our own, how to do that, it sounds like there's no way.

01:57:28.000 There's no way it could happen.

01:57:30.000 But yeah, I have no idea how it fucking happened.

01:57:30.000 I could do it right now.

01:57:32.000 But someone did figure it all out.

01:57:34.000 Some group of people, they got to the point where it happened.

01:57:37.000 Now, if we, you know, as a unit of three, if we were designed, you know, if it was or we were told to go out and make a new way to send video through the air so that it hits another box, something would involve soup cans and strings.

01:57:53.000 It would fucking be impossible.

01:57:55.000 We could live 100 lives.

01:57:57.000 We would never even come close.

01:57:59.000 But yet somehow or another, people were able to put it all together and do that.

01:58:02.000 That to me says there's no end.

01:58:04.000 It's just everybody puts a piece in.

01:58:07.000 This guy makes the wheel and that guy makes the axle and this guy makes the steering wheel.

01:58:11.000 And maybe he doesn't know anything other than steering wheels, but he knows to make that steering wheel and he puts it all together.

01:58:15.000 And it's like one big giant fucking anthill designed to create something.

01:58:19.000 Yeah, it's the building blocks of evolution.

01:58:20.000 I mean, it really is the quintessence of what evolution really is, is those, you know, those minuscule steps where something opens up another box and another or another layer of the onion.

01:58:28.000 And that they have to all act as individuals, but together as a unit.

01:58:32.000 That's the key to getting anything done.

01:58:34.000 Anybody that does something, like say a guy like Stephen Hawkings, who's a particle physicist, like Michio Kaku or something like that, they dedicate their entire life to concentrating on particle theory and concentrating on the cosmos and concentrating on science.

01:58:49.000 That is their spot.

01:58:51.000 That's what thing they do.

01:58:52.000 And from the things they discover, we get more of an understanding about stuff.

01:58:56.000 And then some guy will come up with some new fucking thing that ties into that.

01:59:00.000 Sure, man.

01:59:00.000 I mean, they pass it on.

01:59:01.000 That's why those guys are professors.

01:59:03.000 They pass the baton to the next class of people.

01:59:05.000 They're like, build upon what he did.

01:59:07.000 And we were all acting together.

01:59:09.000 We just can't see it.

01:59:10.000 We just can't see it, but we're all acting together.

01:59:13.000 and time machines.

01:59:14.000 Yeah, I think, I mean, I think time...

01:59:17.000 I don't want to get too far.

01:59:18.000 I mean, I know we're almost wrapping up.

01:59:20.000 It's a little late in the show to start a time traveling fucking conversation.

01:59:24.000 We've had him a hundred times.

01:59:26.000 Lockhart's a big fan of the figure.

01:59:26.000 Yeah, I heard him.

01:59:27.000 He's a big time freak, too.

01:59:29.000 Well, you know, that's one of the cool things about knowing a lot of comics and knowing a lot of dudes that hang out at the comedy store.

01:59:35.000 A lot of comics have a lot of goddamn time, and they sit around and think about shit.

01:59:39.000 And they're generally smart people.

01:59:40.000 Like, the better the comics are smart thinkers.

01:59:43.000 They're deep thinkers, open to fucking new ideas or concepts.

01:59:46.000 Consider things.

01:59:47.000 Anything but closed-minded are good comedians.

01:59:50.000 Yeah.

01:59:50.000 And you know what?

01:59:51.000 It's one of the most important things.

01:59:52.000 If you want to have a fun life, you got to surround yourself with other people that are asking questions too, and honest ones.

02:00:00.000 So that when the, when, you know, like, like, here's a good perfect example.

02:00:04.000 Me and my buddy Jimmy Detilio, I was, I think I was 18 and he was 19, and we got a Ouija board.

02:00:10.000 And we're like, do you believe in this shit, man?

02:00:12.000 We were totally terrified.

02:00:12.000 I'm like, I don't know.

02:00:13.000 Yeah.

02:00:14.000 Let's go fucking get one.

02:00:15.000 18 and 18.

02:00:16.000 Yeah, that's what I was already laughing about, wasn't that?

02:00:20.000 I'm not proud of it, but I'm telling the truth.

02:00:21.000 My favorite part of that story.

02:00:23.000 So we went and we got this fucking Ouija board and he's like, I'm not going to move it.

02:00:26.000 I'll tell you what, if it's moving, it's because either you're moving it or ghosts are moving it.

02:00:29.000 And I'm like, I'm not fucking moving it either.

02:00:31.000 If it's moving, it's because ghosts are moving it.

02:00:32.000 Okay, deal, deal.

02:00:33.000 We shook hands, and then we sat down in his apartment, and we started pushing, you know, sitting this thing down, and we kept our fingers on it.

02:00:41.000 We sat there for like 15 minutes.

02:00:43.000 We look at each other.

02:00:44.000 We'd make eye contact and go back.

02:00:45.000 Then we'd ask some more questions.

02:00:47.000 We'd try to be like real open-minded.

02:00:49.000 And then finally, he picked his hands off it.

02:00:51.000 I picked my hands off.

02:00:52.000 He goes, fuck this fucking stupid thing.

02:00:54.000 He threw it across the room.

02:00:56.000 We started laughing.

02:00:57.000 Like, I knew he wasn't going to fuck with me.

02:01:00.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:01:01.000 We figured this shit out together.

02:01:03.000 We're like, okay, together, this is horse shit.

02:01:05.000 Right, right, right, right.

02:01:07.000 Because I knew I could trust him.

02:01:08.000 I knew that's the most important thing ever to have other people that are questioning shit, other people that you can trust so that you don't have to figure it all out on your own.

02:01:16.000 And then me and Jimmy got in a pillow fight and we wrestled around a little.

02:01:16.000 Right, right, right.

02:01:20.000 We grabbed his cotton.

02:01:22.000 Showed him some new submission goals.

02:01:24.000 Right.

02:01:25.000 It's just like a double wrist lock, but it's on your cock.

02:01:28.000 Yeah, that's fucking.

02:01:30.000 No, no.

02:01:31.000 Didn't do any of that.

02:01:32.000 But that's our lesson for the day, folks.

02:01:35.000 There's about 85,000 suck my cock jokes in today's episode.

02:01:38.000 Is that any new restaurant?

02:01:39.000 This is an episode where I said I was going to stop saying faggot.

02:01:41.000 I know, I know.

02:01:42.000 Completely gay.

02:01:43.000 So, appropriate.

02:01:45.000 We want to thank the Fleshlight once again for sponsoring our podcast.

02:01:49.000 I'd like to thank the hell out of Flashlight if you're not on a page.

02:01:51.000 I'm going to get you one of these.

02:01:52.000 I'm going to get you one.

02:01:53.000 I got some laying around, son.

02:01:54.000 I'm going to get you one of these one.

02:01:55.000 I will report back.

02:01:56.000 I'll get you one of them blue bitches.

02:01:57.000 Look at this one.

02:01:58.000 It's not Avatar.

02:02:00.000 It's not Avatar.

02:02:01.000 Is that the alien one?

02:02:02.000 Yeah, it's alien.

02:02:03.000 But don't be confused.

02:02:05.000 Because even though it looks like it'd be from Avatar, that would be some sort of a copyright infringement.

02:02:09.000 Oh, is there an Avatar situation?

02:02:11.000 Oh, yeah, okay.

02:02:11.000 No, there isn't.

02:02:12.000 I thought you were saying that.

02:02:12.000 So you can't just go selling Avatar pussies, man.

02:02:15.000 That's not cool.

02:02:16.000 It's not like public domain.

02:02:17.000 That's a new movie, man.

02:02:19.000 But somehow or another, they're getting away with this.

02:02:21.000 It's probably because Homeboy doesn't know.

02:02:24.000 Yeah.

02:02:24.000 Totally.

02:02:25.000 Oh, as soon as he finds out, that's a cease and desist right away.

02:02:28.000 He's got so much money.

02:02:29.000 Maybe he's not going to give a fuck.

02:02:30.000 Maybe he just wants to fuck this.

02:02:32.000 Maybe he's happy that they made it, and he's just going to pretend he doesn't know it exists.

02:02:35.000 Have his lawyers send me one of them.

02:02:36.000 A whole house full of them.

02:02:37.000 He's got a room and it's wang.

02:02:39.000 I really hope it becomes a Smurf pussy soon when the Smurf movie comes out.

02:02:44.000 Is there a Smurf movie coming out?

02:02:45.000 Maybe like the Smurf.

02:02:45.000 When is that coming out?

02:02:46.000 Smurf at 2000?

02:02:47.000 I think beginning of the year.

02:02:49.000 He's playing Gargamel 2.

02:02:49.000 What's his name?

02:02:52.000 Hank Azaria.

02:02:54.000 Is he a human Gargamel?

02:02:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:02:56.000 So it's a human action movie with 3D CGI.

02:02:59.000 And they're all blue.

02:03:01.000 Oh, wow.

02:03:02.000 Interesting.

02:03:02.000 When is that coming out?

02:03:03.000 I don't know.

02:03:03.000 It was under really tight wraps.

02:03:05.000 They wouldn't let any pictures out of it.

02:03:07.000 Somebody got a picture of Hankazaria.

02:03:08.000 You go to iSmurfed.com.

02:03:10.000 There's more info.

02:03:11.000 I'm just waiting for Cowboys and Aliens.

02:03:13.000 That's what I'm waiting for, man.

02:03:15.000 I am a big Cowboy movie fan, and I'm a big Alien movie fan.

02:03:18.000 And thank God someone decided to mix those two together.

02:03:21.000 Yeah, right?

02:03:22.000 Dude, when I went back home to Indianapolis, I don't know, like a few months ago and shit.

02:03:27.000 And a bunch of my cousins were there and like, dude, yeah, you know who wrote Joe Rogan, right?

02:03:32.000 And they listen to podcasts and all that stuff.

02:03:32.000 I'm like, yeah.

02:03:34.000 They're like, you ever hear him talk about aliens?

02:03:37.000 Bro, I fucking laugh for 15 straight minutes.

02:03:40.000 Like, no, never.

02:03:41.000 I've never heard Joe Rogan once mention aliens.

02:03:43.000 Does he talk about that?

02:03:44.000 Or I've never heard.

02:03:46.000 That's so strange.

02:03:47.000 People who are into aliens, man, it's like being into KISS.

02:03:50.000 It's like what they're into is their fans.

02:03:53.000 You know, it's like people who are into ghosts, too.

02:03:56.000 It's the same shit.

02:03:56.000 They're fans of ghosts.

02:03:58.000 They're fans of the idea of ghosts.

02:04:01.000 I think one's a little more realistic.

02:04:02.000 Which one's more realistic?

02:04:03.000 Ghosts or Kiss.

02:04:04.000 No, I was talking about Kiss.

02:04:10.000 And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to email Teeb or send him some Twitter love, what is your Twitter?

02:04:19.000 It's at the Teeb.

02:04:20.000 T-H-T.

02:04:22.000 At the Teeb.

02:04:23.000 T-H-E.

02:04:24.000 T-E-E-B.

02:04:26.000 T-E-E-B.

02:04:28.000 Teeb.

02:04:29.000 As in Jason Tebow.

02:04:29.000 Teeb.

02:04:31.000 So get at him on Twitter, yo.

02:04:33.000 You know you want to be following this funny motherfucker.

02:04:36.000 He's got shows all around town.

02:04:38.000 Follow me, Packy.

02:04:39.000 And you can catch him.

02:04:41.000 Where are you at next?

02:04:42.000 This Tuesday, me and Tripoli, Sam Tripoli, another funny comic, are both going to be co-headlining at Velvet Jones in Santa Barbara.

02:04:48.000 So if you're up there, come to that.

02:04:50.000 Doesn't he have a next naughty show is December 9th at the Hollywood Improv.

02:04:54.000 We have Nick Schwartzen, Freddie Lockhart.

02:04:59.000 Taylor Vixen's going to be there.

02:05:00.000 Taylor Vixen.

02:05:02.000 Red Ben, why don't you tell us who's going to be there?

02:05:03.000 Who's that, Brian?

02:05:03.000 Who's that?

02:05:05.000 Today's.

02:05:08.000 But yeah, that's December 9th.

02:05:09.000 December 9th at the Hollywood Improv is the next Naughty Show.

02:05:12.000 All right.

02:05:13.000 So that's it.

02:05:13.000 The Teeb at Twitter.

02:05:15.000 How do you get a hold of you on Facebook?

02:05:15.000 Facebook.

02:05:17.000 Jason Tebow on Facebook.

02:05:19.000 And spell that shit.

02:05:21.000 Foreign.

02:05:21.000 J-A-Y.

02:05:22.000 It's extremely foreign.

02:05:23.000 J-A-Y.

02:05:24.000 S-A-Y-S-O-N.

02:05:25.000 Jason with a Y. And Tebow, T-H-I-B-A-U-L-T.

02:05:32.000 That is not Teebow.

02:05:33.000 Yeah, it's Thiebault.

02:05:34.000 It's a French-Canadian nightmare.

02:05:34.000 It looks like Thiebault.

02:05:36.000 So T-H-I-B-A-U-L-T.

02:05:38.000 You got it.

02:05:40.000 Motherfuckers have no excuses.

02:05:42.000 Oh, that's it.

02:05:43.000 Big New Year show.

02:05:45.000 And I'm going to keep talking about this thing because, like I said, we've got to sell this place out.

02:05:48.000 Me and Joe Diaz at Mandalay Bay the day before the UFC, January New Year's.

02:05:54.000 31st.

02:05:55.000 December 31st, yeah.

02:05:55.000 December 31st.

02:05:56.000 December 31st.

02:05:57.000 And then January 1st is the UFC.

02:05:59.000 Obviously, it's New Year's.

02:06:00.000 It's December 31st, you fucking dummy.

02:06:03.000 Stop talking, stupid.

02:06:04.000 That's it.

02:06:05.000 This is the end of the podcast.

02:06:05.000 I'm going to stop talking.

02:06:07.000 I love you, bitches.

02:06:09.000 Power to the fleshlight.

02:06:10.000 Go to joerogan.net, and there's a link.

02:06:12.000 If you click on it, you get 15% off.

02:06:14.000 Use the code word Rogan.

02:06:16.000 Holla at you, boy.

02:06:18.000 And we'll see you guys next week.

02:06:19.000 Oh, Jason Mayhem Miller's joining us next week.

02:06:21.000 Oh, shit.

02:06:22.000 Oh, shit.

02:06:22.000 Mayhem, we're going to have a special one.

02:06:24.000 That will be on Monday.

02:06:25.000 And then on Tuesday, I'm doing Tom Green's podcast at the Smod Castle in Santa Monica.

02:06:32.000 Details to follow, bitches.

02:06:34.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.

02:06:36.000 And as we've said in the past, and I'm going to say this again because it rang true with people.

02:06:40.000 You are not the past, goddammit.

02:06:42.000 You are not your mistakes.

02:06:44.000 You are what you've learned and who you can be.

02:06:46.000 Move forward.

02:06:48.000 With prosperity and power.

02:06:51.000 And honesty.

02:06:52.000 And black dicks.

02:06:54.000 And black dicks, you cocksuckers.

02:06:57.000 Yeah, this is bad for your health.

02:07:00.000 Facebook, Twitter.

02:07:01.000 Twitter.

02:07:02.000 Find me on Friendster.

02:07:03.000 Stay black.

02:07:04.000 Why we ended with this gay music, Brian.

02:07:06.000 I know.

02:07:07.000 Don't text me, cocksucker.

02:07:09.000 And don't say faggot.

02:07:11.000 Don't say faggot.

The Joe Rogan Experience - November 27, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #57 - Jayson Thibault

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