The Joe Rogan Experience - December 01, 2010


Joe Rogan Experience #59 - Ralphie May

Topics
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Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ralphie May
Mentioned
Ralphie Brian Hersey Dennis Leary John Wayne Jesus Christ Homeboy Pete Dude Khan Lenny Bruce Tom Segura Michael Duncan Joey Diaz Cuban Forrest Griffin Nouveau Laredo Johnny Rotten Marty Babbitt Sarah Palin Brie Olsen Bill Hicks De Niro'd and 86 more
Joe Rogan Experience #58 - Mayhem Miller JRE MMA Show #60 with Forrest Griffin, Clint Wattenberg & Dr. Duncan French

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 10 minutes

Words per minute

197.94

Word count

25,749

Sentence count

3,413

Harmful content

Misogyny

82

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,257

sentences flagged

Hate speech

105

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Ralphie Mae is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. He's disgruntled at the world of rap music and wants to know what s wrong with it. Also, what's wrong with handjobs? And is it better to have someone else hold the Fleshlight and give you a handjob instead of having you give a hand job? Find out on this week's episode of The Real Reel. Featuring special guest Ralphie Mae and special guest Joe D'Andrea. This show and all shows are sponsored by The Fleshlight. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode was produced and edited by Riley Bray. The opinions stated here are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise stated. We do not own the rights to any music used in this episode. All credit given to artists, labels and labels. If you have a song you like, we'd like to use it on the next episode of the show, please reach out to us via Anchor.fm/TheRealRealReel with a link to the song used in the episode. Thank you for the music used on this episode, we are working on a song written and produced by us, and we appreciate the feedback we've gotten from our patrons. and the support we've received so far. We appreciate the support and support the support the work you've all shown us. Thank you so much, we really appreciate it. We really do appreciate it, thank you. We can't wait for the feedback, we're working on this project. - Thank you, we'll get back to work on the rest of the work we've done, we can't do more of it in the rest in the next week and we'll send you back next week! and we're looking forward to the rest next week. XOXO - The Real Real Real Good night. Love you all of the love we'll see you back in the good vibes and all the love and support we'll be back soon. -- Thank you. xoxo - - Joe and the boys - The Reverend -- The Real Good Night, Joe and The Good Lord Thank You, Joe & The Good Ol Nights Thanks, Joe Joe & the Crew & The Crew

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Let's go.
00:00:10.000 Uh.
00:00:13.000 I go on and on and on and We'll take them to the crib unless they're boning Easy, call them on the phone and Clap them Chanel Cologne and My face, dress me Back in my mind, I hope she swallows.
00:00:40.000 My man just took a drink, all my cream wallows.
00:00:43.000 Reached the gate, something just ate.
00:00:45.000 Riffin', she got the meat to work my thing. 1.00
00:00:47.000 This was me, she keep tryin' to wake. 1.00
00:00:49.000 Conversate, sex on the first date. 0.84
00:00:51.000 I stick, you know what you do to me.
00:00:53.000 She starts well, but I don't usually.
00:00:55.000 Then I whipped it out, rubber no doubt Step out, show me what you all about Pickles in your mouth, open up your brown Before your teeth bring them south Blew that blackout, in the parking lot Bop it out, in the parking lot Biotherapy and a green drop.
00:01:07.000 And I don't stop until I put jeans skirt But make it all work Now, now, we get to the kickback out How good was Biggie?
00:01:26.000 Man.
00:01:27.000 The best.
00:01:28.000 The best ever.
00:01:29.000 Hip-hop died with him.
00:01:30.000 It was in the hospital with Tupac, and then it went dead with Biggie's death, and then it became hip-hop, and then everybody was going out for dollars, and they made a lot. 0.79
00:01:44.000 They made a lot of shitty music, except for Eminem and Jay-Z and maybe Nas. 0.69
00:01:49.000 Ralphie Mae dropping rap knowledge. 0.98
00:01:51.000 I'm sorry.
00:01:52.000 Ralphie Mae's in the house, ladies and gentlemen.
00:01:55.000 This is our guest.
00:01:55.000 He's very disgruntled at the world of rap music, and I know it's your concern as well.
00:01:59.000 This show and all shows are sponsored by The Fleshlight.
00:02:02.000 Ralphie.
00:02:04.000 Have you ever felt a flashlight, sir?
00:02:05.000 No. 1.00
00:02:06.000 No one has fucked this? 0.99
00:02:07.000 But a lot of people have fingered it. 0.99
00:02:09.000 It's patented rubber, too. 0.99
00:02:11.000 This flashlight is not a virgin, but it's like a slutty junior high school girl. 1.00
00:02:16.000 It's been fingered a lot. 0.99
00:02:18.000 Isn't it amazing?
00:02:19.000 Feels great, right?
00:02:20.000 Pretty creepy. 0.99
00:02:21.000 Dude, it's way better than just regular jerking off. 1.00
00:02:24.000 And the best thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you, it's even more detached from your own body, so it feels like you are actually having sex. 1.00
00:02:33.000 Have you done that, Joe? 1.00
00:02:33.000 Have you had somebody else hold the fleshlight for you and fuck you with the fleshlight? 1.00
00:02:36.000 No, when someone else is there, I'm going to fuck them. 1.00
00:02:37.000 How dare you? 1.00
00:02:38.000 Unless it's a boy, why is he holding it? 0.99
00:02:40.000 Well, it's like the handjob. 0.99
00:02:42.000 It's the newest handjob. 0.99
00:02:42.000 I mean, if a girl's going to give you a handjob nowadays, hey, give me a handjob with a fleshlight instead. 0.99
00:02:47.000 It's way better than a regular handjob. 0.99
00:02:48.000 Is it? 0.89
00:02:49.000 Yeah.
00:02:49.000 Oh, dude, try it.
00:02:50.000 Have...
00:02:51.000 A girl's hand is always going to feel better. 0.99
00:02:53.000 It's a human person touching you.
00:02:55.000 Ralphie says no.
00:02:58.000 Fruit.
00:03:00.000 Baskets. 1.00
00:03:00.000 I'll fuck everything. 1.00
00:03:02.000 Baskets? 1.00
00:03:03.000 No, man. 1.00
00:03:04.000 What's wrong with pussy? 1.00
00:03:05.000 Can you come if a girl's giving you a handjob? 1.00
00:03:06.000 Is that what you're saying? 0.99
00:03:07.000 Yeah, I can.
00:03:08.000 Of course. 1.00
00:03:09.000 You're a demon, dude. 1.00
00:03:10.000 You're a demon. 1.00
00:03:12.000 I can't. 1.00
00:03:12.000 Ralphie, you need some more stimulation? 1.00
00:03:15.000 I need pussy. 1.00
00:03:16.000 Okay? 1.00
00:03:17.000 I've never even come from a blowjob. 0.99
00:03:19.000 What? 0.99
00:03:20.000 I know.
00:03:20.000 I'm the same way, Ralphie.
00:03:22.000 Same way. 0.99
00:03:22.000 I do not like blowjobs. 0.99
00:03:24.000 Maybe it's the way girls are blowing you two. 1.00
00:03:26.000 Maybe girls are blowing you two like this. 1.00
00:03:30.000 No.
00:03:31.000 That sounds great.
00:03:32.000 I would love the option.
00:03:34.000 I'm married.
00:03:35.000 I'm sealed, man. 1.00
00:03:36.000 I like all my shit. 1.00
00:03:37.000 I just stay on the straight and narrow, man. 1.00
00:03:39.000 That's not what I'm saying.
00:03:40.000 What I'm saying is even her.
00:03:41.000 Even the only Mrs. May.
00:03:44.000 Oh, yeah, man. 1.00
00:03:45.000 Yeah, my wife, she's a horrible blowjobber. 1.00
00:03:49.000 Let's be honest. 1.00
00:03:50.000 I mean, she's a Jew broad. 1.00
00:03:51.000 It comes with the territory.
00:03:53.000 You know?
00:03:53.000 They nag, but they're good with money.
00:03:55.000 They get great kids. 1.00
00:03:56.000 A lot of Jewish girls, that was the reputation that they'd like to give blowjobs. 1.00
00:04:00.000 Not this one. 1.00
00:04:01.000 Back in Boston.
00:04:01.000 Yeah, that's what I always thought.
00:04:02.000 Have you ever heard that?
00:04:03.000 I mean, if you go with the stereotype.
00:04:04.000 I've never heard of that one ever.
00:04:06.000 Ever.
00:04:07.000 Oh, my God.
00:04:07.000 Really?
00:04:08.000 That's the shit she's been keeping from me. 1.00
00:04:09.000 Yeah, I've heard that. 1.00
00:04:10.000 On the first day of Hanukkah.
00:04:11.000 Finally, something good for the Jews.
00:04:13.000 I'm lighting a candle just for that one tonight.
00:04:15.000 We got a menorah that we've had for, seriously, nine years, ten years.
00:04:19.000 I found it in the garage.
00:04:21.000 I went and got a candle.
00:04:22.000 And the kids are just going to sing Happy Birthday because that's all I know.
00:04:25.000 I don't know any Hanukkah songs.
00:04:26.000 I don't know anything about it.
00:04:27.000 My wife's not a good Jew. 1.00
00:04:29.000 But I'm lighting a candle just for that one.
00:04:31.000 Just letting my daughter know she's got a good rep. 1.00
00:04:34.000 I always heard that Jewish women are just the craziest in bed. 1.00
00:04:38.000 They do anything. 1.00
00:04:40.000 They're just this crazy sex machine. 1.00
00:04:42.000 And she did fuck me, so that makes me fucking crazy. 1.00
00:04:46.000 Yeah, it is black chicks. 1.00
00:04:47.000 Damn it. 1.00
00:04:47.000 I need to try it once. 1.00
00:04:49.000 You've never tried a black girl? 1.00
00:04:50.000 No. 0.53
00:04:51.000 Because I might get De Niro'd, son.
00:04:54.000 You might get Bingo'd. 0.96
00:04:55.000 You might get De Niro'd, so you're not even into white chicks anymore. 0.99
00:04:58.000 You might start talking like Ralphie Mae.
00:05:00.000 It might be true.
00:05:01.000 I was at BW3. Ha ha ha!
00:05:03.000 You might start gangstaing out.
00:05:05.000 Come on, baby. 0.99
00:05:07.000 No, there's this black chick at BW3s last night. 1.00
00:05:10.000 That's your next move, dude.
00:05:11.000 It was so beautiful.
00:05:12.000 She was beautiful. 1.00
00:05:13.000 So what the fuck, man? 1.00
00:05:14.000 You don't even have to tell him that, man. 1.00
00:05:17.000 You're just a white dude who likes black chicks. 1.00
00:05:20.000 Just be you, son. 1.00
00:05:22.000 Embrace! 0.97
00:05:22.000 Embrace your inner love of black chicks. 0.97
00:05:25.000 That's the next move for you, sir. 0.96
00:05:26.000 That's what I see. 1.00
00:05:27.000 Some hard-ass black chick that fucks the shit out of you and tells all your ex-girlfriends to step. 1.00
00:05:33.000 Fucks like Lil' Kim. 1.00
00:05:35.000 Anger. 1.00
00:05:35.000 So if you have any issues with ex-girlfriends, they're scared of that black bitch. 1.00
00:05:39.000 That crazy bitch with her big long nails. 1.00
00:05:41.000 The girl at the BW3s in Burbank, the bartender. 1.00
00:05:44.000 You are cute.
00:05:46.000 Whoa. 1.00
00:05:47.000 What are you, a fucking five-year-old? 1.00
00:05:48.000 Go tell her in person, bitch. 1.00
00:05:50.000 This is faggotry. 1.00
00:05:51.000 I don't even use that word anymore. 1.00
00:05:52.000 Do you like me?
00:05:53.000 Check one, yes, no.
00:05:57.000 I want to take you to the Olive Garden.
00:06:00.000 It's so hilarious.
00:06:01.000 Jesus Christ.
00:06:03.000 It's so hilarious.
00:06:04.000 Brian, how dare you?
00:06:06.000 How dare you?
00:06:07.000 How dare you come off like a 12-year-old on the show?
00:06:10.000 I like you.
00:06:11.000 Do you like me?
00:06:12.000 Check one.
00:06:13.000 Yes, no.
00:06:13.000 Please AIM me.
00:06:15.000 You smelled really good.
00:06:16.000 Just give out your AIM. I know you got one, you fucking weirdo. 1.00
00:06:19.000 Here's my Facebook. 1.00
00:06:20.000 Ralphie Mae rocks it so old school, he doesn't even have a Twitter.
00:06:22.000 How do you like them apples?
00:06:24.000 Yeah, what's up with that?
00:06:25.000 It's almost non-existent.
00:06:27.000 I mean, I do it once in a while.
00:06:28.000 He's got like five tweets.
00:06:28.000 Do you text a lot?
00:06:30.000 Yeah, and I'm sick of it.
00:06:31.000 Ralph, you gotta get on the Twitter.
00:06:34.000 There's people out there, Ralphie, that want to talk to you, man.
00:06:36.000 They're happy you're on the show today.
00:06:38.000 I know, and they're creepy, and they go to my shows, and they say, what's up?
00:06:40.000 Oh, yeah, there's a lot of people.
00:06:42.000 Actually, today, I got a lot of phone messages, people saying, because a lot of comics watch your podcast.
00:06:49.000 Yeah?
00:06:49.000 Yeah.
00:06:50.000 Cool.
00:06:50.000 They're like, Ralphie, you go to the phone.
00:06:52.000 I gotta move this out of my face.
00:06:53.000 This is freaking me out.
00:06:56.000 It's right in my mug.
00:06:57.000 It's like you're shooting a gun.
00:06:58.000 It's right in my mug. 1.00
00:06:59.000 It's fucking weird. 0.96
00:07:01.000 I'm trying to move around it while I'm looking at you. 0.98
00:07:03.000 The podcast stand, folks.
00:07:05.000 Microphone stand, rather.
00:07:07.000 It's in his mouth.
00:07:07.000 Yeah.
00:07:08.000 So, well, yeah, you got to use the Twitter, man.
00:07:10.000 It's very important.
00:07:11.000 There's a lot of people that want to talk to you.
00:07:12.000 And not only is it good for promotion, it's great for writing comedy.
00:07:16.000 It gives you, like, joke beginnings of jokes. 0.99
00:07:18.000 Yeah, you start talking shit about things. 0.98
00:07:19.000 It's fun. 0.99
00:07:20.000 Yeah, but I'm nervous.
00:07:21.000 I'm nervous that I would become too exposed.
00:07:25.000 What are you talking about?
00:07:26.000 And, like, you know, I would become too exposed as, like, you know...
00:07:32.000 A go-to guy for free.
00:07:34.000 You know what I mean?
00:07:35.000 I write hours and hours of material.
00:07:38.000 Right now I have three and a half, maybe four hours in rotation that I do separately.
00:07:45.000 It's all different stuff and it's all the same basic thing.
00:07:50.000 I find myself just writing the same thing over and over again in a different form and a different subject.
00:07:56.000 You know what I mean?
00:07:56.000 The same formula.
00:07:58.000 I'm nervous that I would get polluted by other comedians and I just don't want to open myself up.
00:08:04.000 Polluted by other comedians.
00:08:05.000 You don't have to follow anybody you don't want to follow.
00:08:07.000 Some people are like, I don't think Louis C.K. for the longest time didn't follow anybody.
00:08:11.000 Brie Olsen, zero followers. 1.00
00:08:12.000 Really?
00:08:13.000 She doesn't follow anyone.
00:08:13.000 Never replied, has never replied to anybody, zero followers.
00:08:17.000 You try to make her reply, she will not do it.
00:08:19.000 She almost seems like she's like an app.
00:08:21.000 Type in, you know, it just automatically puts something sexy mixed with something. 0.99
00:08:25.000 You might be absolutely right about that because I've read some of those that she writes because they've been featured on websites and shit, and they're crazy. 0.98
00:08:32.000 They're all like, you know, I'm going to go down to this high school and try to get five dudes to shoot loads in me. 0.98
00:08:38.000 Right, right.
00:08:38.000 I'm at the airport right now.
00:08:39.000 I have dried cum in my face. 0.99
00:08:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:08:42.000 But, if you watch her videos, you're like, well, she's obviously for real. 0.99
00:08:47.000 I don't know.
00:08:47.000 I'm not familiar with who y'all are talking to.
00:08:50.000 Brie Olsen?
00:08:50.000 She's funny.
00:08:51.000 Very popular young porno star. 0.93
00:08:53.000 Oh, man. 0.65
00:08:53.000 With a wonderful personality. 0.65
00:08:55.000 I'm sure.
00:08:55.000 Excellent sense of humor.
00:08:56.000 I'm sure.
00:08:57.000 She gets it.
00:08:58.000 Brody Stevens.
00:08:59.000 She gets it.
00:09:00.000 Take meat.
00:09:01.000 She can take meat. 1.00
00:09:02.000 It's weird, man.
00:09:03.000 We've talked about this on the podcast before. 0.92
00:09:06.000 Was she one of the girls in the biggest slut contest for Howard Stern? 1.00
00:09:10.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:09:11.000 Maybe.
00:09:11.000 Yeah, I think you're right.
00:09:12.000 I think so.
00:09:13.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
00:09:13.000 And she was talking about how she'd fuck a retard and fuck everybody. 1.00
00:09:17.000 Dude, those... 1.00
00:09:18.000 I love it. 1.00
00:09:20.000 Fucking tards. 1.00
00:09:20.000 That's awesome. 1.00
00:09:21.000 Those girls that do those gang bangs, man, that's a different species. 1.00
00:09:24.000 That's a weird thing, man.
00:09:26.000 That's another human, bro.
00:09:27.000 That's another kind of human.
00:09:28.000 Speaking of another human, I saw Jay London picking up trash on Laurel Canyon.
00:09:32.000 Wow.
00:09:33.000 Creeped me out.
00:09:34.000 What was he doing?
00:09:35.000 He was picking up trash.
00:09:37.000 For somebody?
00:09:37.000 Is he working?
00:09:39.000 Man, he had an orange jacket on.
00:09:42.000 I mean, an orange vest on.
00:09:43.000 Maybe he did something and he got arrested.
00:09:45.000 I don't know.
00:09:47.000 Isn't that what usually that is?
00:09:48.000 I think so.
00:09:51.000 I think so, man.
00:09:52.000 I think so.
00:09:52.000 And it was crazy.
00:09:54.000 Yeah, I went from last comic standing with you, right?
00:09:56.000 Yeah, last comic standing.
00:09:57.000 Was he on the season with you?
00:09:58.000 No?
00:09:58.000 No, no, like the next one.
00:10:00.000 He was on the next one?
00:10:01.000 Yeah.
00:10:01.000 You know, Jay and I were on the first TV show I ever did in 19, I think it was 92. It was Spotlight Cafe, this weird show in New York, and Jay was on it with me.
00:10:11.000 Wow.
00:10:11.000 I always thought, wow, this guy's so quirky and interesting.
00:10:14.000 Yeah.
00:10:14.000 He's going to be a famous comedian.
00:10:16.000 Then he got on Last Comic Standing.
00:10:18.000 I'm like, wow, here it goes.
00:10:18.000 Maybe people start recognizing him at the comedy store.
00:10:22.000 And then nothing happened.
00:10:23.000 And then it all stopped.
00:10:25.000 It just went away.
00:10:26.000 You have done the best of anybody of capitalizing on that last comic standing crowd and running with it. 1.00
00:10:32.000 You ran with that shit, dude. 0.99
00:10:34.000 There's a lot of guys who, like, John Heffron ran with it pretty well, too. 1.00
00:10:37.000 Yeah.
00:10:37.000 But I think you ran with it even better.
00:10:39.000 I'm still running.
00:10:40.000 You were just more prolific.
00:10:41.000 Well, it highlighted you more than anyone.
00:10:44.000 You were the only person on that show that when I watched you, when it was originally on, I saw you blow up.
00:10:50.000 I mean, you just destroyed on that show.
00:10:53.000 You weren't like a regular Last Comic standing person.
00:10:56.000 You were tearing up rooms.
00:10:57.000 Jay Moore came to me and told me and showed me the minutes from an NBC meeting.
00:11:04.000 Okay?
00:11:05.000 Like he probably shouldn't have.
00:11:07.000 And he told me that they were nervous about having someone my size on NBC a lot, especially in prime time.
00:11:15.000 Worried about you dying or something?
00:11:17.000 No, just the image it would put out there.
00:11:19.000 They were embarrassed by my size.
00:11:22.000 What does that feel like?
00:11:24.000 It's crushing.
00:11:26.000 But I use it as motivation.
00:11:29.000 And he goes, the only way they're not going to get you off of this is if you get a standing ovation every show.
00:11:38.000 That's the only way they can deny it.
00:11:40.000 It's because we can't retake that tape.
00:11:44.000 And he goes, if every joke kills, we won't be able to show you bombing.
00:11:51.000 What?
00:11:52.000 He goes, if every joke of yours kills, then we won't be able to show that you bombed to tell you that you lost, to show the audience that you lost.
00:12:03.000 So you have to get a standing ovation every show and every joke be your hardest that you've ever delivered it.
00:12:10.000 That's the only way these people aren't going to get you out of here.
00:12:14.000 Whoa.
00:12:16.000 So they were plotting to get you out from the beginning because of the way your body is.
00:12:21.000 Wow.
00:12:22.000 But now one of their biggest shows on TV on NBC is Biggest Loser.
00:12:27.000 Well, for those folks who listen on iTunes and you're not familiar with Ralphie, how big are you, Ralphie?
00:12:33.000 Right now, I'm 418. 418 pounds.
00:12:37.000 That's down from over 700. Wow.
00:12:40.000 Jesus. 0.99
00:12:41.000 I know, I've lost a whole fucking fat guy and I'm still fat. 0.99
00:12:44.000 You were 700 at one point? 0.99
00:12:47.000 Yeah, man.
00:12:48.000 Rogan, you remember the back of the comedy store? 1.00
00:12:51.000 Dude, you wanted to take me to the strip joint just to see any girl getting near my dick. 1.00
00:12:57.000 And you wanted to throw me in your Acura and there was no fucking getting in. 1.00
00:13:02.000 Yeah, that NSX was not having it. 1.00
00:13:03.000 It was sick.
00:13:04.000 It was a sick car, but there was no way.
00:13:06.000 I was getting in there and I'm like, I love you, Joe Rogan.
00:13:08.000 I love your heart.
00:13:09.000 I love your heart.
00:13:10.000 You have to be careful about what cars you get in, huh?
00:13:13.000 Not anymore.
00:13:14.000 Not anymore.
00:13:15.000 They're all pretty much, you know what I mean?
00:13:17.000 I got into a ridiculous $600,000 Mercedes-Benz.
00:13:21.000 $600,000 for a Mercedes? 0.87
00:13:24.000 Yeah.
00:13:24.000 What kind of car is that?
00:13:25.000 It's a convertible and it's like 700 horsepower.
00:13:29.000 Oh, I know what you're talking about.
00:13:30.000 The AMG. Some shit. 1.00
00:13:33.000 It was a Beverly Hills Mercedes-Benz. 1.00
00:13:35.000 It's crazy looking.
00:13:36.000 My friend, an ex-comedian is the sales manager there.
00:13:38.000 I don't think it's that much.
00:13:39.000 Ron Robertson.
00:13:39.000 I think it's $350,000.
00:13:40.000 No, it's 649. It has 200-inch plasma TVs in the trunk.
00:13:44.000 Maybe I'm wrong.
00:13:45.000 I could easily be wrong.
00:13:46.000 Maybe I'm thinking of another model.
00:13:47.000 Yeah, it's just badass, but totally the most uncomfortable car I've ever been in.
00:13:52.000 Really?
00:13:52.000 Yeah, but my Beamer, I've got a 650i convertible, and it's fine.
00:13:57.000 I don't have no problem.
00:13:59.000 Ralphie says no problem.
00:14:00.000 I'm all about comfort.
00:14:02.000 Ever since I got my new car, it's like the biggest mom car ever.
00:14:05.000 It's a Ford Edge, but it's so comfortable.
00:14:08.000 That's a good car, dude. 0.98
00:14:09.000 It's fucking comfortable, and it's so techy. 1.00
00:14:12.000 It's fucking comfortable as shit, man. 0.99
00:14:14.000 I love it. 0.99
00:14:15.000 I'm telling you what, American cars are fucking making a comeback. 0.99
00:14:17.000 Seat warmers. 1.00
00:14:18.000 Seat warmers are the shit, man. 1.00
00:14:21.000 And your lower back, you're going to feel the fatigue. 1.00
00:14:23.000 You have a little hemorrhoid.
00:14:24.000 I got a Mustang I drive.
00:14:25.000 I got a Shelby GT500. Ooh.
00:14:28.000 Really?
00:14:28.000 Convertible, yeah.
00:14:29.000 You always get good toys, though, man.
00:14:31.000 You always get good toys. 0.99
00:14:31.000 This one's the dumbest one ever, though. 0.99
00:14:33.000 All you have to do is, anytime you want, stomp on the gas and the car goes sideways. 0.99
00:14:36.000 Sideways, right?
00:14:37.000 Just start spinning wheels.
00:14:38.000 How many horsepower is it?
00:14:39.000 550. And that car, yeah.
00:14:42.000 It's a tiny car.
00:14:42.000 It's a pony car.
00:14:43.000 And it's lightweight.
00:14:43.000 Yeah, it's lightweight.
00:14:44.000 It's got a live rear axle, so it handles like shit. 0.99
00:14:47.000 But it's fun. 0.99
00:14:48.000 You just stomp on the gas and...
00:14:49.000 Ah!
00:14:50.000 It just leaves rubber, dude.
00:14:53.000 It's a pure American experience, a car like that.
00:14:56.000 It's not sophisticated.
00:14:57.000 It's not the best way to get around.
00:14:59.000 Not the best handling. 0.99
00:15:00.000 But god damn, that shit is fun. 1.00
00:15:01.000 It's fun. 1.00
00:15:02.000 Yeah, you stomp on the gas.
00:15:03.000 It's 550 horsepower and it's supercharged.
00:15:06.000 So you hear the supercharger whine and you hear that big V8. My BMW is supercharged.
00:15:10.000 You hear the V8 and the whee!
00:15:12.000 The whine and you hear whee!
00:15:14.000 That's getting it done, man.
00:15:16.000 Dude!
00:15:16.000 It's like a different thing.
00:15:17.000 It's not just driving. 0.99
00:15:19.000 It's not just getting in your fucking Yukon and going to the supermarket. 0.99
00:15:24.000 There's something extra fun about it. 1.00
00:15:25.000 Very irresponsible.
00:15:25.000 Of course there is, man.
00:15:26.000 It's like James Bond. 0.99
00:15:27.000 Like some dangerous shit could happen anytime. 0.98
00:15:29.000 It's just fun. 0.98
00:15:31.000 It's just fun.
00:15:31.000 Even if you're not speeding, it's fun.
00:15:33.000 The lurch of it.
00:15:35.000 Just the rumble, dude.
00:15:37.000 You feel the power in those cars.
00:15:38.000 You should hear my turn single when I go around the neighborhood.
00:15:41.000 It's just awesome.
00:15:43.000 Those are good cars. 1.00
00:15:44.000 Fuck it, man. 1.00
00:15:44.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:15:45.000 You're alright, Brian.
00:15:46.000 You're making yourself over.
00:15:47.000 You're turning Armenian on me. 1.00
00:15:49.000 You're moving to Glendale. 0.89
00:15:51.000 You got the beard.
00:15:53.000 You're tanner than ever.
00:15:54.000 Is that the next move, Glendale?
00:15:55.000 You think?
00:15:56.000 Well, my beard says yes, but I want to go to the beach.
00:16:01.000 I can't take it anymore.
00:16:02.000 I need to go to the beach.
00:16:03.000 There's something that's calling me about the beach.
00:16:05.000 Really?
00:16:05.000 Have you ever been down there?
00:16:08.000 The vibe.
00:16:09.000 The vibe in the beach.
00:16:10.000 Really?
00:16:11.000 You like that?
00:16:11.000 It's so peaceful, man.
00:16:12.000 Everyone knows everyone.
00:16:14.000 It's peaceful.
00:16:14.000 I totally agree.
00:16:15.000 It's homeless and it's stinky. 0.99
00:16:18.000 It smells like piss. 0.99
00:16:18.000 Yeah, it's Santa Monica, but you go down to Playa del Rey, you go down to Hermosa, it's just whiter than that. 0.99
00:16:24.000 White people and traffic getting there.
00:16:26.000 White people? 0.82
00:16:27.000 What? 0.79
00:16:27.000 It's just white people. 0.79
00:16:28.000 No homeless people.
00:16:30.000 The most homeless person that's there has a credit card.
00:16:33.000 I'm always saying that. 1.00
00:16:34.000 Fuck white people. 1.00
00:16:35.000 Yeah, right? 1.00
00:16:36.000 I'm tired of their bullshit. 1.00
00:16:37.000 I am tired of their bullshit. 1.00
00:16:39.000 Man, this shit with fucking Arizona is bullshit. 1.00
00:16:42.000 I mean, they're giving white people a bad name. 1.00
00:16:44.000 You know, the real problem is we need to kill these fucking crazy assholes in Mexico that are just gunning people down for cocaine. 1.00
00:16:52.000 Dude, 28,000 since 2005. They got a bad problem down there. 1.00
00:16:58.000 And it's totally unaddressed.
00:16:59.000 All of Iraq, U.S. losses, 5,000.
00:17:02.000 Let's put it in perspective how many people that really is.
00:17:05.000 Yeah, it's pretty crazy.
00:17:06.000 And that's the ones they know about.
00:17:08.000 That's not the heads in the desert. 1.00
00:17:09.000 Okay, there's lots of that shit. 1.00
00:17:11.000 There's a lot of that shit going on. 1.00
00:17:12.000 Mexico's dangerous. 1.00
00:17:13.000 I like it.
00:17:14.000 The border towns especially.
00:17:16.000 I mean, it's really crazy right now.
00:17:17.000 And most Americans are blissfully unaware of how nuts it is down there.
00:17:21.000 They have no idea, man.
00:17:23.000 The average person? 1.00
00:17:24.000 Man, if you go to, like, Laredo, Texas, man, fuck that. 1.00
00:17:28.000 You are out the door. 1.00
00:17:30.000 It used to be nice.
00:17:31.000 You used to go across the border.
00:17:33.000 You know, you go down, like, have a weekend in San Antonio, and then Sunday night, go down there.
00:17:37.000 Laredo, get a great deal, like, a great hotel.
00:17:40.000 The Holiday Inn there, it was safe.
00:17:42.000 It was nice.
00:17:43.000 You go to Nouveau Laredo, cross the bridge, bring back glass and plates and stuff like that.
00:17:48.000 Man, it was awesome.
00:17:50.000 Ron White lived there.
00:17:51.000 Yeah.
00:17:52.000 Okay, awesome.
00:17:52.000 It was just a great river valley, okay, town.
00:17:55.000 Smelled like cigars everywhere.
00:17:57.000 It would smell like grape cigars.
00:17:59.000 No, you get Cuban cigars.
00:18:00.000 Yeah, keep going, Brian.
00:18:00.000 What else?
00:18:01.000 How about candy?
00:18:02.000 Anything that Ron White smells like.
00:18:04.000 Yeah, cigars.
00:18:06.000 It does smell like that.
00:18:08.000 He told me one time to bring weed, and I'm like, you're the only guy ever to ask anyone to bring weed to Mexico.
00:18:14.000 What are you talking about?
00:18:15.000 Go talk to somebody.
00:18:17.000 Bring weed to Mexico?
00:18:18.000 That sounds like a terrible idea.
00:18:20.000 Bringing weed to or back from Mexico sounds like a terrible idea.
00:18:24.000 Man, taking weed into Guam's a bad idea.
00:18:26.000 Yeah, let me hear that story, son.
00:18:28.000 This is a Ralphie Mae classic that's making the rounds, and I don't know all the details, so I want to hear the whole deal, because you got arrested somewhere.
00:18:37.000 Yeah, I got stopped in Guam for weed.
00:18:43.000 I didn't know I had it on me.
00:18:45.000 Alright?
00:18:45.000 And I took out of my bag three and a half ounces of weed, a full ounce of keef, and about 20 grams of hash.
00:18:55.000 Goddamn, dude. 0.99
00:18:56.000 That's what I took out of my bag. 0.99
00:18:57.000 Like, he took it out before he went to the airport.
00:18:59.000 Wait, but that's what he made once to party.
00:19:01.000 Yeah, I like to get down.
00:19:03.000 I like variety, you know?
00:19:04.000 I mean, you look at me. 0.97
00:19:05.000 I've got no fucking control, okay, of anything, Joe Rogan. 0.99
00:19:10.000 Look at me. 1.00
00:19:11.000 I'm a fucking mess. 1.00
00:19:12.000 Okay, yeah, that. 1.00
00:19:13.000 You've got control over your loads.
00:19:15.000 Sounds like you've got really good control.
00:19:17.000 Alright, then.
00:19:19.000 The one thing I've got for me.
00:19:22.000 But I'm a mess.
00:19:23.000 I mean, I've got no sense.
00:19:24.000 Plus, I get tons of heavy handshakes.
00:19:27.000 And these guys aren't throwing an ounce at me.
00:19:30.000 They're throwing an eighth to a quarter.
00:19:33.000 When I tell them how I was stoned and saw the miracle on the Hudson happen.
00:19:38.000 Just afterwards, okay?
00:19:40.000 We were down there at Chelsea Piers and people were running. 0.99
00:19:45.000 I saw a fucking cop on a horse. 1.00
00:19:47.000 I am stoned out of my fucking mind. 1.00
00:19:50.000 My act, I say I'm stoned like a biblical whore. 1.00
00:19:53.000 And I am... 1.00
00:19:54.000 I'm fucking... 1.00
00:19:56.000 I'm wasted. 1.00
00:19:58.000 Seriously, I'm fucked up. 1.00
00:20:01.000 If it wasn't 29 degrees and sunny, I would have passed the fuck out. 1.00
00:20:07.000 I was that high. 0.91
00:20:08.000 I had a big thing of hash, and I put that in the middle. 0.96
00:20:11.000 I made a Joey Diaz Cuban sandwich, where the OG's sativa on the top, and then a big fucking chunk of hash over a gram, and an OG finish. 0.99
00:20:28.000 I was one of the most fucked up I've ever been. 0.98
00:20:32.000 And I'm walking and in slow motion I'm seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge. 0.99
00:20:37.000 Overhead helicopters. 0.99
00:20:38.000 I see a cop on a fucking horse. 0.99
00:20:41.000 And he was within 20 feet of me. 1.00
00:20:43.000 And I'm like, where the fuck are you going, Sundance? 0.98
00:20:45.000 I mean, we're on a pier, okay? 1.00
00:20:47.000 You're on a fucking pier. 0.99
00:20:48.000 There's people all around. 1.00
00:20:49.000 My kid is in my wife's arms. 1.00
00:20:51.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:20:53.000 Okay? 1.00
00:20:54.000 And we went down there to go see, I'm kind of an aviation buck, and the AR, was it the Blackbird spy plane?
00:21:02.000 The AR-71, I think it was?
00:21:05.000 It's the fastest plane we ever built, you know, that we told anyone about. 0.96
00:21:08.000 And it's fucking cool as shit because on its last voyage it flew from New York to L.A. or L.A. to New York in like 38 minutes. 0.97
00:21:17.000 Some insane speed. 0.98
00:21:18.000 L.A. to New York in 38 minutes?
00:21:20.000 That's time traveling. 0.99
00:21:21.000 That's how fucking fast it is. 0.98
00:21:22.000 Is that real? 0.98
00:21:23.000 Look it up.
00:21:24.000 AR-17.
00:21:25.000 AR-something.
00:21:26.000 AR-17 Blackbird?
00:21:28.000 SR-71.
00:21:30.000 SR-71.
00:21:31.000 Just making some numbers up.
00:21:32.000 No, no, no.
00:21:33.000 SR-71.
00:21:33.000 It's a Blackbird spy plane.
00:21:35.000 Wow. 1.00
00:21:36.000 Check that fucker out. 1.00
00:21:37.000 And it was the last declassified flight of it. 0.99
00:21:41.000 It was the only one that they showed the speed. 0.99
00:21:44.000 And we retired this motherfucker. 1.00
00:21:46.000 Why would you ever retire this thing? 1.00
00:21:48.000 Can you put it up there, Brian? 0.99
00:21:50.000 I don't know how to do all this shit. 0.99
00:21:52.000 You're amazing. 1.00
00:21:54.000 I got an iPad.
00:21:54.000 I play Words of Friends.
00:21:55.000 Dude, this thing goes 2,000 miles an hour.
00:22:00.000 So then it couldn't have been 37 minutes.
00:22:02.000 This is what they did.
00:22:03.000 In one hour and 54 minutes, they went from New York to London.
00:22:09.000 That's a six-hour flight.
00:22:10.000 That's a six-hour flight.
00:22:11.000 They did it in an hour and 54 minutes.
00:22:12.000 They went from the last one that flew, the one that's at the battleship there.
00:22:19.000 Was it the Intrepid?
00:22:20.000 Mm-hmm.
00:22:21.000 Okay.
00:22:22.000 Down on Chelsea Piers.
00:22:23.000 That's what I wanted to go see. 1.00
00:22:24.000 I wanted to be high and be close to that fucking jet. 1.00
00:22:28.000 Right. 0.99
00:22:28.000 I mean, that's almost time traveling. 0.99
00:22:30.000 I mean, do you understand?
00:22:31.000 Dude, trust me. 0.99
00:22:31.000 I mean, that's fucking mind-blowing. 0.99
00:22:33.000 In two hours, you can leave London. 1.00
00:22:36.000 You can have tea in London and lunch and dinner in New York City and not miss a fucking beat, bro. 0.99
00:22:42.000 That's amazing. 0.99
00:22:43.000 That's pretty intense. 1.00
00:22:44.000 That's transporter shit. 1.00
00:22:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:22:46.000 Okay, that's amazing. 1.00
00:22:48.000 You know, what's really crazy is they used to have that Concorde that you could fly to Europe.
00:22:52.000 Yeah, man.
00:22:52.000 Supersonic plane.
00:22:53.000 Fucking hell. 1.00
00:22:53.000 That was cool as shit, dude. 1.00
00:22:54.000 And it used to go super high. 0.99
00:22:56.000 It was like way higher than a regular plane.
00:22:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:22:57.000 So literally like you were on the border of fucking space. 0.99
00:23:00.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:23:00.000 Border of space going to the speed of sound. 0.99
00:23:03.000 Right. 0.99
00:23:03.000 Fucking A, man. 0.99
00:23:05.000 Stop and think about a plane that goes as fast as fucking sound. 1.00
00:23:08.000 I knew what I was. 1.00
00:23:09.000 And you're just sitting in that bitch. 1.00
00:23:13.000 But yeah, you don't feel the g-force because they don't make any sudden moves and they just slowly amp it up. 1.00
00:23:18.000 It's fucking insane. 0.99
00:23:20.000 It's fucking insane. 1.00
00:23:20.000 It just goes straight up and straight down. 1.00
00:23:22.000 It's the speed of sound, man. 1.00
00:23:24.000 The speed of sound in a fucking plane. 1.00
00:23:27.000 But it kept killing too many rich folks. 1.00
00:23:29.000 Boy, have it.
00:23:29.000 Yeah, right?
00:23:30.000 The people at the altitude. 1.00
00:23:31.000 They fucked up. 1.00
00:23:32.000 And I think the last one, I think it was a really dumb fuck-up, too. 1.00
00:23:35.000 It's like someone hit a tire that was left on the track. 0.99
00:23:39.000 The Concorde hit it and fucking caused a gigantic explosion. 0.99
00:23:43.000 And everybody died. 0.99
00:23:44.000 When those people are dying, they're dying.
00:23:47.000 These are people that are paying like $10,000 a ticket.
00:23:50.000 More than that for first class, right?
00:23:54.000 So $10,000 feels like regular, right?
00:23:56.000 Yeah, for like economy.
00:23:57.000 Economy is $10,000.
00:23:58.000 And it's just to save a few hours of your time.
00:24:01.000 That's really what it is.
00:24:03.000 And because of the novelty effect of it.
00:24:05.000 I remember I was watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor who said the coolest thing he'd ever done was take that Concord and then stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the world.
00:24:16.000 Whoa.
00:24:17.000 That's hilarious.
00:24:18.000 And he's right.
00:24:19.000 It was like he stood on his seat and he was the highest alive person.
00:24:25.000 No, there was no astronauts in orbit at that time.
00:24:27.000 Oh, right.
00:24:27.000 There was nothing going on.
00:24:28.000 The plane still freaked me out.
00:24:30.000 Just the idea that you're in this metal tube that's 30,000 feet in the air and you're just sitting there.
00:24:35.000 Yeah.
00:24:35.000 And you're just chilling and looking at your iPad and you're like...
00:24:38.000 And you're like, atoms are holding us up.
00:24:40.000 Invisible atoms.
00:24:41.000 Disconnected from the ground.
00:24:43.000 That's where I want to be.
00:24:44.000 I want to be on the ground where it's safe. 0.99
00:24:46.000 30,000 fucking feet up there. 0.98
00:24:50.000 I get a lot of anxiety when I fly. 0.99
00:24:52.000 What do you think they have that we don't know about?
00:24:55.000 One of the things you said about the SR-71, you said it was the fastest plane that we have that we know about.
00:25:00.000 That we ever told anyone about. 0.99
00:25:01.000 Do you think they have some shit that we don't? 1.00
00:25:03.000 Well, it would just seem to reason. 0.99
00:25:05.000 I mean, wouldn't it be the logic that if you made that much progress in 30 years, That, you know, exponentially, if you take the same progress, like in cell phones in the last 20 years, from a briefcase with a cord and a headset, and then the move down was the brick.
00:25:24.000 Okay, that was the after that.
00:25:25.000 That same technology now, they're microscopic and they can, you know, tons of data.
00:25:31.000 I mean, you just take that same stream of technology and apply that to another sector where we're spending billions and billions and billions of dollars on projects that we don't even know about. 0.97
00:25:42.000 Fuck yeah, there's got to be something faster. 0.96
00:25:44.000 I want to know about, I want to know about HAARP up in Alaska. 0.99
00:25:48.000 I want to know about the F-23 that supposedly can hover and it's a scramjet.
00:26:00.000 I want to know about that.
00:26:02.000 That it can fly at 120,000 feet and it can go from...
00:26:10.000 Well, outside of Las Vegas, supposedly. 0.96
00:26:14.000 It fucking takes off and then it refuels at about 90,000 feet. 0.99
00:26:18.000 No, 45,000 feet on its way to 90,000 feet. 0.99
00:26:22.000 And then it hits the afterburns.
00:26:23.000 So it meets a plane and refuels in the air?
00:26:26.000 How dope is that? 1.00
00:26:27.000 They refuel in the fucking sky. 1.00
00:26:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:26:29.000 How the fuck are they doing that, man? 1.00
00:26:32.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:26:34.000 It's the cleanest burning, and it's the fastest, and people can go from over the Pacific, where there's nobody.
00:26:43.000 They refuel, and then they hit that scramjet, and they go to 120, 140,000 feet, like the outer atmosphere shit, and then bounce back.
00:26:53.000 What you don't understand, if you go straight up and you continue in a straight line, the earth is moving at like 17,000 miles per hour.
00:27:01.000 So that's adding to your speed.
00:27:04.000 It's like a trippy when you add altitude to it.
00:27:06.000 And then gravity on top of that compounding.
00:27:08.000 So you're falling much faster.
00:27:11.000 It could go up to theoretically 3,000 miles per hour, 4,000 miles per hour. 0.99
00:27:18.000 Damn. 1.00
00:27:18.000 Fucking amazing. 1.00
00:27:19.000 Do you guys remember how cool it was in the 80s? 0.98
00:27:21.000 I wonder about that.
00:27:22.000 That Blackbird?
00:27:22.000 Remember the Blackbird?
00:27:24.000 It was like the F-15 or what was it? 1.00
00:27:26.000 Can you even wrap your head around that kind of fucking speed? 1.00
00:27:29.000 No, man! 1.00
00:27:30.000 It's time traveling, man! 0.99
00:27:31.000 That's the closest wherever I wonder if they have some shit that's not released that's even faster than what we know about, like three or four times the speed of sound, some really nutty shit. 0.98
00:27:40.000 What about that decommissioned super collider in Waxahaxie, Texas, that's still a federal off-limits facility? 0.97
00:27:50.000 Say we created the God particle like they did in Switzerland, which is a controlled microscopic subatomic black hole. 0.92
00:27:59.000 And then the energy explodes off that we collect.
00:28:02.000 That theoretically, that in a bottle, any matter, we could stream and bang into each other and control that black hole.
00:28:10.000 That we could, in the left of my water, get boom from there.
00:28:15.000 We could fuel all of North America's energy services.
00:28:19.000 Isn't that amazing? 0.98
00:28:21.000 It's fucking unbelievable. 1.00
00:28:23.000 The super colliding shit like that. 1.00
00:28:25.000 Right. 0.99
00:28:25.000 I mean, it's fascinating, but I think the idea behind making the little black holes is that they don't have enough gravity to stay alive. 0.99
00:28:31.000 Yeah, they die out instantly.
00:28:33.000 Well, the scary version...
00:28:35.000 So you're thinking that someone's doing something with the one they have in Texas?
00:28:39.000 Is that what you're saying?
00:28:39.000 Yeah.
00:28:39.000 Yeah, that it's not been decommissioned.
00:28:42.000 Yeah.
00:28:42.000 And that it's being used.
00:28:43.000 I mean, the fucking government uses everything else from the 50s. 1.00
00:28:48.000 They're going to drop, you know, 800 billion in a fucking hole in Waxahachie and then just say, fuck it, we're out. 1.00
00:28:56.000 I don't believe that. 1.00
00:28:57.000 It's a funding thing, though. 0.99
00:28:59.000 A lot of times there's just not enough money to run shit. 0.94
00:29:01.000 If they don't think they're going to get a direct result off of the experiments, what's going to be profitable out of these experiences? 0.96
00:29:07.000 What military applications is going to come from this experiment? 0.99
00:29:11.000 And if there's none, it's real hard to justify when the economy goes to shit. 0.98
00:29:14.000 They close things like that down all the time. 0.96
00:29:16.000 Yeah, but is it really closed, though? 0.99
00:29:19.000 So you think secretly they're doing some crazy shit? 1.00
00:29:23.000 Yes! 1.00
00:29:24.000 Maybe.
00:29:25.000 The whole Area 51 is the most fascinating thing to me.
00:29:27.000 That they had a whole area that they denied even existed until I think it was like in the late 90s.
00:29:33.000 They tried to expand the boundaries of it and they had to claim more land to be restricted.
00:29:39.000 Then they had to admit that it exists in the first place.
00:29:41.000 But for the longest time, there was just people waiting with guns.
00:29:44.000 But too many dudes found, like, this spot in the hills where you could watch them experiment with their aircrafts.
00:29:50.000 And too many guys who worked there who either got fired or went crazy, and, like, Bob Lazard, you know who he is?
00:29:57.000 He's the guy that, you know, he's been ridiculed. 1.00
00:30:00.000 A lot of people say that he's full of shit, and he lied about his education background. 0.99
00:30:03.000 I don't know what's the case or what's not the case, but his story is... 1.00
00:30:07.000 Hey, I lied on a resume to get a job.
00:30:09.000 Yeah.
00:30:10.000 Well, he said he had degrees in places they said he never enrolled, and there's like old yearbooks from those times, and he's not in the yearbook.
00:30:17.000 So it seems like, at the very least, he's made some things up.
00:30:21.000 So, you know, you gotta look at it and say, well, he probably made it all up.
00:30:24.000 But the point is, he would take his friends to watch these things fly in the air, and he said he worked there, and they arrested him there.
00:30:29.000 And once they arrested him there, there's like, you know, it was his big story, and he came out and said there was flying saucers there, and that he had worked on them, tried to back-engineer them. 0.96
00:30:37.000 Fucking fast. 0.92
00:30:43.000 Where they're doing secret shit, and they didn't want people to know about it, and they had to tell people it existed in the 90s. 0.99
00:30:48.000 Once they had satellites, and satellites started flying over and taking photographs of it, and people could see the whole facility and Groom Lake, and you could see all these air hangers. 0.99
00:30:56.000 They're doing some nutty shit out there, man. 0.83
00:30:58.000 That's where they're making stuff like stealth bombers. 1.00
00:31:01.000 That's just the shit on the surface. 0.97
00:31:05.000 It's still bomber technology, as badass as it is. 1.00
00:31:07.000 It's 30 fucking years old. 0.95
00:31:09.000 I think a lot of what they're doing is drones, man. 0.97
00:31:11.000 There's a fascinating video of these people.
00:31:14.000 This is before they shut it down.
00:31:16.000 These people were watching from some parked spot, and they were filming these things flying through the air.
00:31:22.000 And you've never seen anything move like this.
00:31:24.000 And I'm like, well, that's probably because there's no people in it.
00:31:26.000 It's probably a drone.
00:31:27.000 They're probably all drones.
00:31:28.000 It looks exactly like this, but small.
00:31:30.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:31:31.000 Baby blackbirds.
00:31:32.000 Yeah.
00:31:33.000 Well, you know what?
00:31:33.000 I mean, we know that they have them now.
00:31:35.000 We know that they have them. 0.99
00:31:36.000 So if that's what they saw in 1996 and shit when people were filming, that's probably the answer to a lot of this UFO bullshit. 0.99
00:31:44.000 Well, I don't believe in UFOs. 0.98
00:31:46.000 I think that time travel is a closer thing than the distance.
00:31:51.000 Or they're creating some kind of wormhole.
00:31:53.000 But I don't believe in aliens.
00:31:55.000 I think that they exist.
00:31:56.000 I just don't think they've ever been here.
00:31:58.000 I'm not convinced that they have or haven't.
00:32:00.000 I could see it argued either way.
00:32:02.000 It sounds totally preposterous when you watch those ancient alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair talking all this nonsense about how they believe that aliens taught all these different people, all these different things.
00:32:15.000 But, look, if we are people and we have aspired to travel and we supposedly have been to the moon...
00:32:23.000 If we have that sort of capability in our primitive stage of development, what if there's a culture 100,000, 200,000, 300,000 years older than us?
00:32:30.000 That's nothing in the blip of time.
00:32:32.000 That's nothing.
00:32:32.000 I mean, just think if we had gotten hit by the meteor.
00:32:34.000 Yeah, a culture that survives that's 2 or 3 million years older than us. 0.66
00:32:38.000 They're going to be so fucking far ahead of us.
00:32:41.000 That they would literally be able to bypass all the ideas or have come to a resolution on all the ideas about interrupting life and genetically engineering new life. 0.53
00:32:52.000 To them, it would be like, yeah, of course you do it.
00:32:54.000 This is what you do.
00:32:55.000 You just make new life.
00:32:56.000 Yeah, we go there and we introduce our genetics into these monkey genetics.
00:33:00.000 And these monkeys have this crazy thing happens where their brain doubles over a period of two million years and they become humans.
00:33:07.000 Did that happen?
00:33:08.000 I don't know. 0.99
00:33:08.000 But there's a lot of fucking stories. 0.99
00:33:10.000 All these different stories from so many different religions and so many different ancient texts all have to do with some higher being coming from the sky. 1.00
00:33:19.000 I mean, what the fuck, man? 0.99
00:33:20.000 Is that a little bit, though, that people just want to believe in something else? 1.00
00:33:24.000 Maybe.
00:33:25.000 It's possible.
00:33:26.000 I mean, humans...
00:33:27.000 It's not an either-or.
00:33:28.000 You know what I'm saying?
00:33:29.000 It's not an either-or. 1.00
00:33:30.000 We're all just assholes. 1.00
00:33:31.000 I mean, if you're a survivor at this point, you come from a long line of assholes. 1.00
00:33:37.000 We were the guys who ate the last bit of food. 0.99
00:33:39.000 We were the ones that didn't share during famine.
00:33:42.000 Well, I don't know if it's that easy.
00:33:45.000 I know what you're saying, but not really. 0.98
00:33:47.000 All you have to do is get a group of cool people together to fight off the assholes and you survive as well. 1.00
00:33:51.000 You don't have to be an asshole to survive. 1.00
00:33:53.000 You can be the cool, smart people that get together and fight off the assholes. 1.00
00:33:56.000 So just because we're here doesn't mean we're the children of assholes. 0.99
00:34:00.000 But isn't it crazy? 1.00
00:34:02.000 We're just barbaric. 1.00
00:34:05.000 From the fucking Mayans to everybody in Europe, the different clans, they were just barbarians. 1.00
00:34:13.000 The fucking Huns, one in six people have the same DNA as Genghis Khan or some shit like that. 1.00
00:34:22.000 How badass was Genghis Khan? 1.00
00:34:24.000 He comes out of the steps of Mongolia and fucking sweeps in and takes almost the whole world. 1.00
00:34:29.000 Isn't that fucking amazing? 0.99
00:34:31.000 I mean, grasp that, dude. 1.00
00:34:32.000 He was a lobster. 1.00
00:34:33.000 He was fucking gangster. 1.00
00:34:35.000 Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage? 1.00
00:34:39.000 Like, the coolest fucking thing would be, you can't travel through time, but what you can do is go back in time and watch it and record it. 0.61
00:34:47.000 Well, you know, if you found a way to extract it from trees, like visuals. 0.98
00:34:53.000 Yeah, this is a thousand-year-old tree.
00:34:54.000 Let's see what it's seen.
00:34:55.000 Well, technically, you know, since we're just reflecting light and that's all we are, okay, and light travels at us.
00:35:02.000 We're just reflecting light.
00:35:02.000 This is the ultimate stoner talk right here.
00:35:04.000 I know, right?
00:35:05.000 We all just reflect light.
00:35:06.000 Why were you in Guam, by the way?
00:35:08.000 I was there to do a bunch of shows.
00:35:10.000 I was there to do a bunch of shows.
00:35:11.000 It's like he's been bothered for 20 minutes.
00:35:14.000 I'm sorry. 1.00
00:35:14.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
00:35:15.000 I forgot that we were talking about that. 1.00
00:35:16.000 Yeah, me too.
00:35:17.000 I was just talking about this. 1.00
00:35:19.000 I love this shit. 1.00
00:35:20.000 I'm getting high and fucking talking about it. 1.00
00:35:23.000 What I'm talking about... 0.99
00:35:24.000 Hold on.
00:35:24.000 Let me finish the point.
00:35:25.000 Yeah, bro.
00:35:26.000 UFOs, dude.
00:35:27.000 Okay.
00:35:27.000 Check it out.
00:35:28.000 That if you could go faster than the speed of light to the time and then with a powerful enough telescope pointed at us to catch the light reflected, you could use just as satellite technology looks down on the Earth, you could see the reflection of the Earth from that time and visually prove everything you wanted to.
00:35:51.000 Whoa, what?
00:35:52.000 Yeah.
00:35:52.000 If you went faster out into space.
00:35:55.000 Okay, you go faster out into space than the speed of light.
00:35:58.000 And then you have a telescope.
00:35:59.000 You have a telescope.
00:36:00.000 That could look back and capture the light that's coming off the earth.
00:36:03.000 The light that's coming from the earth as you go away.
00:36:05.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.
00:36:06.000 Yeah, you would theoretically be looking at earth at that point.
00:36:09.000 Right.
00:36:10.000 The reflection of the light.
00:36:12.000 So you would be looking at Earth at that point in time.
00:36:15.000 Yeah, so at the speed of light, Earth's history would come at you.
00:36:19.000 I mean, if you could visually swatch it.
00:36:21.000 Sort of, but you would be a thousand years in the future, looking a thousand years in the past, so you'd really virtually be in the same moment.
00:36:27.000 It would still freeze.
00:36:29.000 It would still be the exact same distance between Earth and you at all points.
00:36:33.000 It would always be the same.
00:36:34.000 Right, right.
00:36:34.000 But that doesn't matter.
00:36:36.000 It doesn't matter.
00:36:36.000 No, it's the fact that light reflects off of it.
00:36:42.000 So you could catch an image of what...
00:36:44.000 It might not be a perfect image.
00:36:46.000 Right, so as you're going, say if you're going a million miles an hour, as it's a million miles away...
00:36:52.000 Yeah.
00:36:53.000 No, no, no.
00:36:55.000 The light from a thousand years ago.
00:36:58.000 I know what you're saying.
00:36:59.000 The idea behind it is if you move into the future faster than the speed of light, what happens back here moves at a much, much, much faster pace.
00:37:08.000 No.
00:37:08.000 No.
00:37:09.000 What I'm saying is that the light that bounces off the earth has an image.
00:37:14.000 And that image is the same traveling off the earth at the speed of light.
00:37:19.000 If you go out into space...
00:37:21.000 At faster than the speed of light.
00:37:23.000 Okay, so you can look back before it?
00:37:25.000 Yeah, you can look back at the image of the Earth with a powerful enough telescope and see the history of Earth come forward.
00:37:34.000 Whoa, okay, so you're saying that if you go, say if you go forward, like... 0.99
00:37:40.000 Some fucking insane... 0.99
00:37:42.000 Like if you went... 1.00
00:37:43.000 Faster than light.
00:37:43.000 Alpha Centauri is 54 years...
00:37:45.000 And you look back and see the Earth.
00:37:45.000 If we have the kind of technology to allow you to, even though you're billions of light years away or however far the fuck away you are, to look back and see the Earth and get close to the...
00:37:55.000 Actually to the ground.
00:37:56.000 So you can, even from 100 million light years away, you still have full view of the Earth.
00:38:02.000 It wouldn't be full.
00:38:03.000 It would be obscured.
00:38:04.000 There would be...
00:38:04.000 You know, there's dark patches and only the light that bounces off is the sunny side of the Earth.
00:38:08.000 So you could see the sunny side You couldn't catch anybody because people do fucked up shit at night. 0.99
00:38:15.000 You'd be doomed. 1.00
00:38:16.000 Almost all the real fucked up shit happens at night. 1.00
00:38:19.000 You wouldn't get nothing. 1.00
00:38:20.000 You had no proof on me, motherfucker. 1.00
00:38:22.000 You saw a shadow in the window, bitch. 1.00
00:38:24.000 You don't know nothing. 1.00
00:38:26.000 Fuck you. 1.00
00:38:26.000 I'm not saying I'm not going for court. 1.00
00:38:28.000 I'm just saying.
00:38:30.000 I see what you're saying, though.
00:38:31.000 That's a total stoner thought right there, Ralph.
00:38:33.000 It's trippy talk.
00:38:34.000 It is trippy talk.
00:38:35.000 Well, the idea of time itself is very trippy, especially because it's limited.
00:38:39.000 It's so true. 0.84
00:38:40.000 Our physical bodies find it limited, but when you get past our physical bodies and all other physical bodies, time is just one thing.
00:38:48.000 It's just one big gigantic moment.
00:38:51.000 It's just we don't last.
00:38:53.000 Time's only important to us. 0.99
00:38:55.000 That's the real mindfuck. 0.99
00:38:56.000 That is exactly it. 1.00
00:38:58.000 The real mindfuck is that you're dying. 1.00
00:39:01.000 As soon as you're born, you're dying. 1.00
00:39:04.000 Welcome to it. 1.00
00:39:04.000 Dude, I watched a fucking guy get killed by a bear today. 1.00
00:39:07.000 Somebody put it up on the Rogan board. 1.00
00:39:08.000 Was it fucking Sarah Palin? 1.00
00:39:10.000 It was a trained bear. 1.00
00:39:11.000 Oh.
00:39:11.000 And the trained bear had been in movies before, man.
00:39:14.000 And the fucking guy... 1.00
00:39:16.000 Was it Gentleman or something? 1.00
00:39:17.000 They had this bear in this pen and they're training it and doing things with it.
00:39:21.000 He just turns on this guy out of nowhere and rips his throat apart.
00:39:24.000 Perfect.
00:39:25.000 And just tears at it and shakes him.
00:39:27.000 That's why I never want to go up into space and look at the past 10,000 years. 0.99
00:39:31.000 I want fucking... 0.98
00:39:32.000 There's bears up there. 1.00
00:39:33.000 I know there is. 1.00
00:39:34.000 I was watching that Sarah Palin, just the promos for that shit on Discovery or whatever it is. 1.00
00:39:38.000 And that bitch is fishing next to grizzly bears. 1.00
00:39:41.000 And I just want the grizzly bear to go, fuck you, I'm Union. 1.00
00:39:44.000 I got Union during the grizzly man movie. 1.00
00:39:46.000 Alright, it's your ass. 1.00
00:39:47.000 I'm coming. 1.00
00:39:48.000 And just attack the fucking boat. 1.00
00:39:50.000 Bears are very frightening. 1.00
00:39:51.000 They're very frightening. 1.00
00:39:52.000 Fucking... 1.00
00:39:53.000 They are powerful animals, man. 1.00
00:39:55.000 They can rip a horse's fucking head off with his paw. 0.99
00:39:58.000 I've talked about it too much over the past few weeks, and I talked about it yesterday on the Tom Green podcast, but there's a video you should see, folks. 0.99
00:40:05.000 It's a bear eating a moose alive, and it's on the internet. 0.98
00:40:08.000 You want to know how ruthless fucking nature is, man? 1.00
00:40:11.000 They are fucking brutal. 1.00
00:40:12.000 They don't even kill you, man. 1.00
00:40:13.000 They just start eating.
00:40:14.000 Yeah, they don't care.
00:40:15.000 They hold you down and they eat you.
00:40:16.000 While you're still flailing?
00:40:17.000 Whoa, Jack... 1.00
00:40:19.000 Yeah, kill me first. 1.00
00:40:20.000 This video, though, the crazy thing is this is a trained bear. 0.99
00:40:22.000 This guy had raised this bear and trained it, and I believe it was his cousin was in the rink with it as they were working with the bear, and the bear just, for whatever reason, just decided to attack him out of nowhere, unprovoked, just fucked him up, man. 0.98
00:40:36.000 Good. 0.62
00:40:37.000 You think so, really?
00:40:37.000 Yes!
00:40:38.000 Why are you fucking with a bear? 1.00
00:40:39.000 It's a bear. 1.00
00:40:40.000 Well, he's just trying to make some money.
00:40:42.000 Let it just chill and be a bear.
00:40:45.000 Somebody's got to...
00:40:46.000 Somebody's got to do... 0.99
00:40:47.000 Like, if you're going to have a movie where you have a guy wrestle a bear, someone's got to train that fucking bear. 0.99
00:40:51.000 We can't have a movie. 0.99
00:40:52.000 CGI. Yeah, man.
00:40:54.000 They can make Na'vi.
00:40:56.000 You ever see that movie Congo?
00:40:58.000 Yes.
00:40:58.000 Yeah, when they had those big crazy monkeys that were so obviously men with monkey suits?
00:41:03.000 Yes.
00:41:03.000 It was annoying, man.
00:41:04.000 CGI has fixed all this.
00:41:06.000 Michael Clarke Duncan wasn't working then?
00:41:08.000 Whoa.
00:41:10.000 How dare you?
00:41:12.000 That's my favorite earthquake joke.
00:41:13.000 How dare you, bro?
00:41:15.000 Do you know Earthquake, the comedian?
00:41:16.000 Yeah.
00:41:16.000 What did he say?
00:41:17.000 He said that he went on an audition for Planet of the Apes and saw Michael Clarke dunking in there, and he called his agent and just left. 0.99
00:41:25.000 He said, that motherfucker didn't need makeup. 1.00
00:41:31.000 How rude. 1.00
00:41:32.000 Is there earthquakes in Guam?
00:41:33.000 I'm sorry, that's hilarious.
00:41:35.000 Alright.
00:41:36.000 There's earthquakes everywhere, man.
00:41:37.000 I'm sorry.
00:41:38.000 Even in Guam there's earthquakes?
00:41:39.000 Are you trying to get back to the Guam story?
00:41:40.000 Actually, do you know they're protected by the Mariana Trench?
00:41:43.000 The lowest place on Earth?
00:41:44.000 They're protected by it?
00:41:45.000 Yeah.
00:41:45.000 How are you protected by the lowest spot on Earth?
00:41:48.000 The immense cavern takes out a lot of the energy from the tsunami, how deep the water gets.
00:41:54.000 Really?
00:41:54.000 Yeah, so they are protected by a reef, and they're protected by the Marianas Trench right there.
00:42:00.000 So they've never been jacked by a tsunami?
00:42:01.000 No, they come, but they don't get the full width and breadth of it.
00:42:05.000 A lot of the energy is lost in the canyon.
00:42:08.000 Is that trench where they recorded that insane biological sound?
00:42:12.000 I know they call it the bloop.
00:42:14.000 There's one crazy sound that they recorded that's so many times louder than anything they'd ever recorded that was biological under the water.
00:42:22.000 And they know it's biological.
00:42:23.000 They don't know what it was.
00:42:24.000 It's like mayhem underwater.
00:42:26.000 Screaming twice, too.
00:42:28.000 Man, that guy, he's a little munch, right, baby? 1.00
00:42:31.000 Yeah, man.
00:42:32.000 I love that guy.
00:42:34.000 I met him at this podcast.
00:42:35.000 The full spectrum, bro.
00:42:36.000 That's the full spectrum. 1.00
00:42:38.000 That guy is a killer. 1.00
00:42:39.000 I look in his eyes and I'm like, yeah, that's a guy I don't want to fuck with. 1.00
00:42:43.000 He would love to hurt me. 1.00
00:42:45.000 It'd be just a goof. 0.52
00:42:46.000 He enjoys fighting.
00:42:48.000 He enjoys it. 1.00
00:42:49.000 He's fucking good at it. 0.99
00:42:50.000 He likes it. 0.99
00:42:51.000 It's what he's supposed to be doing.
00:42:52.000 There's a broad spectrum of human beings...
00:42:54.000 Yeah, man.
00:42:55.000 I totally agree.
00:42:56.000 Everybody's supposed to be doing their thing, you know?
00:42:58.000 Yeah, man.
00:42:58.000 Sometimes people find their thing and it matches up with their personality and sometimes they just fight it and then they go postal.
00:43:03.000 Can you imagine if he didn't get into fighting and instead he was like, ah, I'm just going to work at Toys R Us.
00:43:08.000 And you're just like, oh, I'm sorry. 0.97
00:43:11.000 It's fucking Fallen Day waiting to happen. 0.99
00:43:12.000 That would be a problem. 1.00
00:43:13.000 Fallen Day waiting to happen. 1.00
00:43:15.000 Yeah, that would be a fucking problem. 0.99
00:43:17.000 I'm always nervous around Eddie Bravo late at night. 0.99
00:43:21.000 Why?
00:43:22.000 Have you seen him drunk?
00:43:23.000 I've seen him drunk.
00:43:25.000 Oh, he's not wearing a shirt? 0.99
00:43:26.000 It's just the idea that he can kill you anytime he wants?
00:43:29.000 Yes, that is very scary.
00:43:30.000 And the fact that there is nothing I can do.
00:43:33.000 And then he tells guys that are double his size how he'd choke him out from underneath.
00:43:40.000 Underneath? 1.00
00:43:41.000 Sounds gay. 0.97
00:43:42.000 I never even heard that. 0.79
00:43:43.000 I didn't know what that was.
00:43:44.000 And he's laughing about it. 0.99
00:43:46.000 Oh yeah, I'd climb up him and then leg lock him and choke him out and shit like this. 0.98
00:43:52.000 It's so weird because I don't get that from Eddie Bravo as I do with Mayhem. 0.99
00:43:56.000 With Mayhem, I fear him.
00:43:58.000 But when I'm at Eddie, he's always just so happy and nice.
00:44:00.000 I never even think about him being as great.
00:44:02.000 Eddie's not competing.
00:44:03.000 The difference is the guys that are competing, guys that are actively fighting in MMA, they have to always be ready to train and to spar, and they're always thinking about competition.
00:44:16.000 They're always training hard.
00:44:17.000 They're always ramped up.
00:44:19.000 And most of them are really calm.
00:44:20.000 Mayhem is about as exaggerated a personality as you get.
00:44:24.000 But that's just who he is.
00:44:25.000 He's always been like that.
00:44:26.000 I've known that dude forever.
00:44:27.000 You have too.
00:44:28.000 He's always been like that. 1.00
00:44:30.000 But just the fact that they're in competition mode, that's like some primal shit. 0.99
00:44:34.000 You're at nine all the time. 0.99
00:44:36.000 Your senses are heightened.
00:44:38.000 You're training for combat, man. 1.00
00:44:40.000 That's like some serious shit. 1.00
00:44:41.000 Can you imagine that every day? 1.00
00:44:43.000 Like the Spartans, how they get their kids kidnapped and taken and beaten and toughened up. 0.91
00:44:53.000 And then they escape at 18 and they go rape and steal a girl out at night.
00:45:00.000 These guys, they were warriors all day long. 1.00
00:45:03.000 It's pretty crazy when you think about what pussies we are today. 0.98
00:45:06.000 And that people had to be like that at one point in time for us to get to today. 0.98
00:45:09.000 They had to be strong. 0.99
00:45:10.000 They had to be able to fight off fucking animals and hordes of invading tribes. 0.99
00:45:15.000 You had to be strong to stay alive just a few thousand years ago. 1.00
00:45:18.000 It's crazy, isn't it?
00:45:19.000 It's very strange.
00:45:20.000 A few thousand?
00:45:22.000 150?
00:45:23.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:45:24.000 150 fucking years, two lifetimes. 1.00
00:45:26.000 Dude, the Wild West, that was the 1800s. 1.00
00:45:28.000 Yeah, man.
00:45:29.000 Yeah.
00:45:31.000 1865 was the abolition of slavery, right?
00:45:33.000 Was it 1875 or 1865?
00:45:35.000 65. And then you've got, you know, fucking cowboys and Indians going to war. 1.00
00:45:41.000 War. 1.00
00:45:41.000 Just fucking each other up. 1.00
00:45:43.000 Apache, knife fighters. 0.99
00:45:44.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:45:44.000 Those guys are nasty. 0.99
00:45:46.000 Did you see the thing where Obama got in trouble because he was talking about Sitting Bull? 0.89
00:45:51.000 No.
00:45:52.000 And he was recognizing that Sitting Bull was a hero.
00:45:54.000 I guess it was a part of some book that he has.
00:45:58.000 He has some child book. 1.00
00:45:59.000 And people are going, hey, Sitting Bull killed a lot of fucking Americans. 1.00
00:46:05.000 Yeah, it did. 0.99
00:46:06.000 It's funny because we're acknowledging now that we've integrated the American Indian into the whole American culture, like they're a part of us, now we're sort of acknowledging that the original Americans just fucked them, you know, and this guy fought back and this guy's a hero for fighting essentially us.
00:46:22.000 Well, you know, it's mind-boggling when you say, you know, we're, you know, the land of the free because of an act of terrorism.
00:46:29.000 Tell that to Willie Nelson. 0.99
00:46:30.000 He's in fucking, gonna be in jail for pot. 1.00
00:46:32.000 I know, man. 1.00
00:46:33.000 It's crazy. 1.00
00:46:33.000 Land of the free, my dick. 1.00
00:46:34.000 Yeah, dude. 0.99
00:46:35.000 But, you know, we say that, you know, we, you know, we espouse all this patriotism and stuff. 1.00
00:46:40.000 And if you go to the Boston Tea Party, which is fucking, which is dum-dums. 1.00
00:46:45.000 Republicans. 1.00
00:46:46.000 That are mad that we have a black guy or saying, you know, we're Tea Partyists, okay? 0.96
00:46:50.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:46:50.000 They're fucking talking about a terrorist act. 1.00
00:46:54.000 That was a terrorist act. 0.99
00:46:56.000 It was not an act of war.
00:46:57.000 You know that, right? 0.99
00:46:59.000 We call it rebellion because we're on this fucking side of it. 0.99
00:47:02.000 But it was basically a terrorist act. 0.99
00:47:05.000 What is it?
00:47:06.000 If white guys today dressed up as Arabs and attacked a private company and destroyed property, we'd call it a terrorist act. 0.93
00:47:18.000 Okay. 0.91
00:47:20.000 And that's exactly what we did.
00:47:21.000 Right.
00:47:22.000 Okay, it's a terrorist act.
00:47:23.000 Yeah, I know what you're saying.
00:47:23.000 Yeah, and that's how we bore our nation.
00:47:26.000 And the same thing that we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorists because they want to kill us, or they killed this many and they don't want to be under our fucking rule. 0.99
00:47:34.000 How dare we be an empire like the fucking British were to us? 1.00
00:47:38.000 Well, we're a lot crazier than that. 1.00
00:47:40.000 We're more crazy than any empire ever.
00:47:42.000 We have military presence in over 100 countries.
00:47:44.000 Yeah.
00:47:45.000 Do you know what that means?
00:47:46.000 Yeah.
00:47:46.000 We've got guns all over the world and jets and American soldiers ready to go.
00:47:51.000 At any time.
00:47:52.000 What's up?
00:47:53.000 They're just ready to go.
00:47:54.000 Strategically placed in all sorts of areas where they can get jets to them in time. 0.99
00:47:57.000 Are you nervous about this fucking North Korea guy? 0.99
00:48:00.000 No. 1.00
00:48:01.000 Really?
00:48:01.000 Not at all.
00:48:02.000 He wants to die.
00:48:02.000 I think he just wants better trade agreements.
00:48:04.000 He's not going to die.
00:48:05.000 They don't have any food.
00:48:06.000 But he's about to die.
00:48:07.000 He's already named his successor.
00:48:08.000 Nothing's going to happen.
00:48:09.000 But look at his son, though.
00:48:10.000 His son's ready to jump in, but he looks like he's a nice young guy that plays StarCraft.
00:48:15.000 He's going to be like, finally, dad's gone.
00:48:18.000 I can play StarCraft with all my friends.
00:48:20.000 Yeah, right?
00:48:21.000 I always want to chill out.
00:48:22.000 Maybe play Starcraft.
00:48:23.000 It's not as fun once you have nuclear weapons you can use.
00:48:26.000 I'm telling you, man. 0.69
00:48:28.000 They bombed the fuck out of that island. 0.98
00:48:30.000 They destroyed the U.S. They attacked an island, right? 0.96
00:48:32.000 Yeah, they shelled the shit out of it for hours. 0.87
00:48:36.000 They flattened it.
00:48:37.000 Really?
00:48:37.000 And what was on the island?
00:48:38.000 Who was on the island?
00:48:39.000 People!
00:48:40.000 South Koreans! 0.98
00:48:41.000 Yes, they killed thousands, supposedly. 0.81
00:48:44.000 Really? 1.00
00:48:44.000 Yes, they blew up a fucking island. 1.00
00:48:47.000 You heard it was seven? 1.00
00:48:48.000 I thought seven people were injured. 0.98
00:48:49.000 Okay, this is a retard conversation. 0.99
00:48:50.000 We should go Google how many South Koreans injured. 0.97
00:48:54.000 Yeah, and then they killed 47 South Korean sailors. 1.00
00:48:57.000 They downed a fucking ship, and then they said they didn't. 1.00
00:49:00.000 Motherfucker, we got you on tape, B. Right. 1.00
00:49:02.000 What happened? 0.99
00:49:03.000 They fucking blew up a battleship. 0.99
00:49:07.000 Not a battleship. 0.99
00:49:09.000 It's like a trawler of the South Korean Navy.
00:49:13.000 They blew it up and killed 47 sailors.
00:49:17.000 That's an act of war.
00:49:18.000 Two dudes died.
00:49:19.000 Two dudes.
00:49:20.000 And they both died of AIDS. They both had to hear...
00:49:26.000 There's a theme to our conversation, and it's numbers. 0.99
00:49:30.000 I think we need to leave out numbers until we know these bitches. 1.00
00:49:33.000 It's two people died, bro. 0.99
00:49:36.000 Two.
00:49:36.000 Dose.
00:49:37.000 Dose humans. 0.98
00:49:38.000 Dose humans.
00:49:39.000 And the shelling?
00:49:40.000 That's it?
00:49:40.000 Yeah, that's it.
00:49:41.000 Oh my god.
00:49:42.000 But what about the 47 sails? 0.99
00:49:43.000 That's still people that fucking died, man. 0.99
00:49:46.000 The whole thing is crazy. 1.00
00:49:47.000 The guy's killing people.
00:49:49.000 Yeah, he's killing people, and it looks like they're on the brink of war. 0.94
00:49:52.000 Left the burn checked.
00:49:53.000 Well, maybe you're right. 1.00
00:49:54.000 Maybe he's so fucked up he is going to try to actually go out with a bang. 1.00
00:49:57.000 I think he's fucking crazy, dude. 1.00
00:49:59.000 You never know, man. 1.00
00:50:01.000 Don't underestimate Cuckoo. 0.98
00:50:02.000 You've got to be pretty crazy to want to be some sort of a leader like that. 0.98
00:50:06.000 A leader of a country. 0.99
00:50:07.000 A leader of a cult.
00:50:07.000 A leader of anything.
00:50:08.000 To be that arrogant that you should be the main person, it means really just playing up on a flaw in human nature.
00:50:14.000 That flaw is the necessity of the alpha, where we're always looking to the one person that we are going to be led by.
00:50:22.000 That's how all tribes of animals deal with it.
00:50:25.000 Tribes of wolves do it, tribes of monkeys do it, and tribes of humans do it.
00:50:29.000 We need one person.
00:50:30.000 Even that one person isn't qualified, as long as there's one person in that position.
00:50:34.000 That's why, you know, the Sol Sera Palin thing is possible.
00:50:37.000 You don't have to be qualified.
00:50:38.000 You just have to be in the position. 1.00
00:50:40.000 This fucking guy isn't qualified to be the president of North Korea. 1.00
00:50:44.000 You tell me other North Korean people haven't said, listen, I'm a lot more reasonable. 1.00
00:50:47.000 I could get shit done with other countries. 0.98
00:50:48.000 We could live better. 0.99
00:50:50.000 Yeah, we could have like heat and food.
00:50:50.000 Of course, they're all thinking like that.
00:50:51.000 There's a cabbage in every pot in the ground.
00:50:53.000 Chicken in every pot.
00:50:54.000 Yeah, right?
00:50:56.000 Cabbage. 1.00
00:50:57.000 Yeah, you gotta be a really twisted motherfucker to want to run things. 1.00
00:51:01.000 They've got fucking rockets that hit off the shore of Hawaii. 1.00
00:51:06.000 Do they really? 1.00
00:51:07.000 They can get to Hawaii?
00:51:08.000 Yeah! 0.99
00:51:09.000 Wow, you better not fuck up Hawaii. 0.98
00:51:11.000 I like Hawaii. 0.98
00:51:11.000 Man, Hawaii's awesome! 0.98
00:51:13.000 I was there after Guam.
00:51:15.000 What'd you say, Brian? 0.88
00:51:16.000 They're not going to fuck up Hawaii. 0.97
00:51:18.000 Well, what if they do, man? 0.99
00:51:19.000 They can fuck up anything. 0.99
00:51:19.000 If they're willing to fuck up these people on this island, man. 0.99
00:51:21.000 Let me tell you what. 0.99
00:51:22.000 The fact, there's over a million infantry of North Korea.
00:51:26.000 That's what people do there.
00:51:27.000 They don't make anything. 0.99
00:51:28.000 Everybody is fucking in the army. 0.99
00:51:30.000 It's true. 1.00
00:51:31.000 All right.
00:51:31.000 If they wanted to walk over South Korea, there's nothing we could do with 28,500 U.S. troops right there, except for battlefield nukes to prevent it.
00:51:41.000 Do you understand?
00:51:42.000 The complete wipeout.
00:51:44.000 Within hours, they could take Seoul, all of it, be gone. 0.98
00:51:50.000 Bedazzled.
00:51:50.000 Really?
00:51:51.000 How many troops does the United States have there?
00:51:54.000 28,500.
00:51:55.000 I think that's plenty.
00:51:57.000 It's not. 1.00
00:51:57.000 With the shit we got, son? 1.00
00:51:58.000 Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying. 1.00
00:52:00.000 Without battlefield nukes, there's no way to do it.
00:52:02.000 They got jets. 1.00
00:52:03.000 Don't they have jets and fucking tankers and shit, do they? 1.00
00:52:06.000 They have jets. 1.00
00:52:07.000 They have jets. 1.00
00:52:07.000 They're all the same shit. 1.00
00:52:07.000 What, they get Soviet shit? 1.00
00:52:08.000 Yeah, and Chinese shit. 1.00
00:52:10.000 Chinese shit. 1.00
00:52:11.000 Those motherfuckers. 1.00
00:52:12.000 Those, man, they fuck up your Nikes. 1.00
00:52:16.000 Let me tell you what, they can fuck up a jet. 0.99
00:52:18.000 They would make a fast MIG. Yeah, man. 0.98
00:52:20.000 And they got a lot of them.
00:52:22.000 And they got a shitload of numbers, dude.
00:52:23.000 That's the real crazy thing.
00:52:24.000 Just on sheer numbers, you couldn't stop that, dude.
00:52:26.000 The real crazy thing is China. 0.99
00:52:27.000 I mean, if you really wanted to have a country, if we are, we're in one sort of a situation like we used to have.
00:52:34.000 Like with the United States versus Russia. 0.83
00:52:36.000 When I was a kid, it was always, everyone was worried that Russia was going to duke the United States.
00:52:41.000 Wolverines!
00:52:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:52:42.000 Red Dawn, right? 1.00
00:52:44.000 Those motherfuckers. 1.00
00:52:45.000 Yeah, everybody was concerned that we were going to eventually get involved in some sort of a nuclear exchange. 1.00
00:52:51.000 And you always heard, oh, we almost came to a nuclear exchange.
00:52:53.000 It was a mistake, and we got out of it, and luckily Cooler Heads prevailed.
00:52:57.000 Shall we play again?
00:52:58.000 Yeah.
00:52:59.000 Would you like to play again? 1.00
00:53:02.000 Shit. 1.00
00:53:02.000 That was just a little while ago, man. 1.00
00:53:06.000 We kind of forgot what that's like.
00:53:07.000 But China is in the position to be that again.
00:53:10.000 Yeah. 0.95
00:53:11.000 They are ruthless people.
00:53:12.000 They are ruthless.
00:53:13.000 They're ruthless, and there's so many of them. 0.99
00:53:15.000 Look, if you watch some of the HBO specials on some of the shit that's going down in China right now, you know what's really popular? 0.99
00:53:21.000 What's happening a lot? 0.99
00:53:22.000 People selling their kids.
00:53:24.000 Yeah.
00:53:24.000 People are having their kids and selling them.
00:53:27.000 And they're like 5 and 6 years old.
00:53:28.000 Selling them to corporations.
00:53:29.000 It's so hot right now.
00:53:31.000 Selling them to corporations.
00:53:32.000 It's terrifying, man.
00:53:33.000 There's a whole show on it where this brother, you know, his brother was 5 and his brother was kidnapped.
00:53:37.000 And they kidnapped his brother instead of him because he was 8 and he would have known how to get home. 0.98
00:53:42.000 So they kidnapped this fucking five-year-old and took him away, and he sold it. 0.99
00:53:44.000 His father sold it. 1.00
00:53:45.000 And his father's talking about it.
00:53:46.000 He had to sell one of his sons, and he didn't want to, but he had to do it.
00:53:50.000 So he went with the younger one because he didn't know any better, and he could trick him.
00:53:55.000 There was something along those lines, but he was talking about how he was really upset that the older boy was still mad at him about it.
00:54:02.000 Yeah, but these kids are probably the kids that are smoking cigarettes where you see them on the YouTube videos and stuff. 0.99
00:54:06.000 You're like, this guy's a dick. 0.99
00:54:07.000 I would sell him for $5. 1.00
00:54:08.000 He's smoking all my cigarettes.
00:54:10.000 I didn't see that at all.
00:54:11.000 He's just a little boy, man.
00:54:13.000 The little boy whose brother was left behind.
00:54:16.000 It was really, really heartbreaking.
00:54:18.000 It's horrible!
00:54:18.000 He was talking about missing his brother and how his brother was so mad at his father that his father sold his brother.
00:54:24.000 I was like, you gotta be fucking shitting me, man. 1.00
00:54:26.000 Dude, and they're selling him to corporations. 1.00
00:54:28.000 He's wearing dirty clothes and he's in this fucking shack. 1.00
00:54:32.000 You know, this little shack with his dad. 1.00
00:54:33.000 And his dad is trying to explain how he needed the money. 0.99
00:54:36.000 I'm like, God damn. 0.99
00:54:39.000 And the only way to citizenship, basically, in Roman times, is to be in the army. 0.99
00:54:44.000 You know, to go from poverty to grace and stuff is to A, have intellect, okay, to show, you know, an aptitude for military service or science or math or, you know, athletics. 0.99
00:54:56.000 Or you go to the fucking drones. 0.97
00:54:59.000 In China, you mean? 1.00
00:55:00.000 In China.
00:55:01.000 You have to be...
00:55:02.000 So everybody joins the military in China, too? 0.99
00:55:04.000 Yeah, it's got a huge fucking military team. 0.98
00:55:06.000 How big is your military? 0.99
00:55:08.000 I want to hear a number.
00:55:09.000 I know you got one in your head.
00:55:10.000 Come on.
00:55:11.000 $32,000.
00:55:12.000 It's supposedly the third largest overall.
00:55:15.000 Third largest army overall.
00:55:16.000 When you incorporate it, it's power strength.
00:55:18.000 My own power rating is number three.
00:55:20.000 But on sheer numbers, if they wanted to, because they have the National Guard, people that aren't in certain areas, they're the National Guard, even though they might work at a factory also.
00:55:31.000 Right.
00:55:31.000 If you enlist this militia, it's the largest army in the world per number.
00:55:37.000 Yeah.
00:55:37.000 By number.
00:55:38.000 Wow.
00:55:38.000 That's crazy.
00:55:39.000 Way by number.
00:55:40.000 But by power, it's only number two.
00:55:44.000 It's a whole interesting life that they have there, man. 0.99
00:55:47.000 All the shit that's going down with these companies that have people working insane hours and people jumping off buildings and shit. 0.99
00:55:53.000 Just wait, man. 0.99
00:55:54.000 The whole ConCom thing.
00:55:55.000 I read something that was kind of an interesting rebuttal to that ConCom.
00:55:58.000 Because it talked about all the suicides that ConCom had, but then it noted that ConCom has over 500,000 employees.
00:56:05.000 So is that above average?
00:56:07.000 It's not really.
00:56:08.000 It's not compared to the population.
00:56:09.000 No, it's not. 1.00
00:56:10.000 And, you know, yeah, they're working shit jobs, man. 1.00
00:56:13.000 Those jobs suck. 1.00
00:56:14.000 Yeah, they suck. 1.00
00:56:15.000 They just suck. 1.00
00:56:15.000 You're going to work on a factory assembly line? 1.00
00:56:17.000 Yeah, guess what?
00:56:18.000 It's not going to be awesome.
00:56:19.000 Yeah, the screw goes in the hole.
00:56:20.000 You know why?
00:56:21.000 Because Walmart wants to save 17 cents per unit.
00:56:24.000 I would start selling kids.
00:56:26.000 I could get like $10,000 selling my kids.
00:56:28.000 I don't think you get that much.
00:56:29.000 I don't think they're that much.
00:56:30.000 No, they're not even that much.
00:56:31.000 That's what's sad.
00:56:32.000 You get like a grand.
00:56:33.000 Thank God.
00:56:33.000 That's way better than...
00:56:35.000 What is that?
00:56:35.000 Like six months of work at one of those iPod factories?
00:56:38.000 It probably is, but by the time you're done crying, that's right when your money runs out.
00:56:41.000 You just got to turn it off.
00:56:42.000 You got to turn it off.
00:56:43.000 You gotta turn it off and it's your kid?
00:56:45.000 Yeah.
00:56:45.000 Good luck with that.
00:56:46.000 I think they're not even your kids. 1.00
00:56:47.000 You're gonna have haunted dreams for the rest of your fucking life, man. 1.00
00:56:50.000 You just sold your son. 1.00
00:56:52.000 Ugh.
00:56:53.000 Haunted dreams.
00:56:53.000 That just goes to show you.
00:56:54.000 I couldn't do that, man.
00:56:55.000 The apocalypse...
00:56:56.000 That'd sell me.
00:56:57.000 The apocalypse is everywhere.
00:56:59.000 It's just not here yet.
00:57:00.000 The apocalypse is everywhere.
00:57:02.000 There's different lives that are experiencing it all over the world.
00:57:05.000 In individual bases, with individual families and individual situations, there's apocalypses all over Africa.
00:57:12.000 Yeah.
00:57:12.000 All over parts of the world, all over China.
00:57:14.000 Horrible Holocaust in Sudan. 0.82
00:57:16.000 It's insane. 1.00
00:57:17.000 The shit that's going down in Africa right now, if it was happening in your neighborhood, you would be swearing it was the end of the world. 1.00
00:57:24.000 You know what they call? 1.00
00:57:25.000 People run through with machetes and cut people's heads off and hands.
00:57:28.000 Yeah, there's a lot of hacking to death with machetes. 0.53
00:57:30.000 And taking kids and getting them drug addicted and shooting cocaine and hair on.
00:57:35.000 America should start franchising itself as a brand name.
00:57:38.000 Like, hey, we're going to have an America opening up in your neighborhood, and you can have our laws and rules and protection, but it's going to cost you money. 0.59
00:57:45.000 And it's going to start popping up like Starbucks.
00:57:47.000 Franchise America.
00:57:48.000 Dude, let's go to the American in Japan. 0.96
00:57:50.000 It is the largest employer.
00:57:51.000 Yeah, that's a great idea.
00:57:52.000 We just go to Africa and just jack it. 1.00
00:57:54.000 Yeah, and then just open up Starbucks. 0.66
00:57:56.000 I think we already did that, bro.
00:57:58.000 We did that once.
00:57:59.000 Well, they try to.
00:58:00.000 What's going on right now is there's so much war, civil war in the Congo. 1.00
00:58:04.000 There's a lot of expensive shit in the Congo. 1.00
00:58:07.000 Fuck yeah, man. 1.00
00:58:07.000 Minerals and stuff. 1.00
00:58:09.000 Lithium.
00:58:10.000 They just found lithium there.
00:58:11.000 So there's the next gold rush.
00:58:13.000 The Congo's a fascinating place. 1.00
00:58:16.000 For your lithium batteries and your fucking technology. 1.00
00:58:18.000 So much rape and crime and scary shit. 1.00
00:58:20.000 It's systematic. 1.00
00:58:21.000 Even UN workers, man. 0.98
00:58:22.000 People who have worked for the UN are down there raping and killing. 0.97
00:58:26.000 That's why you need to go to America. 0.99
00:58:28.000 Yeah, so do you think we can go there and take...
00:58:31.000 Don't play any music, bro.
00:58:32.000 Go where the food is.
00:58:33.000 No, we're going to go on Sirius soon.
00:58:35.000 We can't keep doing that. 1.00
00:58:36.000 You're going to fuck us up, man. 1.00
00:58:37.000 It's America. 1.00
00:58:38.000 Yeah, but you don't own that.
00:58:40.000 Do you own that?
00:58:40.000 Do you own that song?
00:58:41.000 I'm friends with the people that do.
00:58:43.000 No, you're not.
00:58:44.000 Call Trey.
00:58:45.000 Don't say you're friends.
00:58:46.000 Unless you can call that dude right now and go, yo, what up, Trey?
00:58:49.000 Hey, Trey.
00:58:49.000 It's Brian.
00:58:50.000 He's not going to answer that phone. 1.00
00:58:52.000 He's going to go, who is this weird fuck? 1.00
00:58:53.000 He's not going to sue you. 1.00
00:58:54.000 You don't know that, sir. 1.00
00:58:56.000 You got to get releases for shit. 1.00
00:58:57.000 This is the karaoke version, too. 1.00
00:59:00.000 Oh, that makes it good.
00:59:01.000 I still have the same tunes, man.
00:59:03.000 I couldn't even hum that song, that door song, in my...
00:59:06.000 My Comedy Central special.
00:59:08.000 I couldn't go...
00:59:09.000 I couldn't do that.
00:59:11.000 Couldn't do that.
00:59:12.000 You can't do that.
00:59:13.000 Because someone owns that.
00:59:15.000 And you know what? 0.99
00:59:16.000 No one gave me any shit when I sampled Kung Fu Fighting in my second special. 0.99
00:59:23.000 You sampled it? 0.99
00:59:24.000 You mean you got on stage and sang it?
00:59:25.000 Yeah, I hummed it.
00:59:31.000 Is there a time when music becomes everyone's property?
00:59:35.000 Isn't there like some sort of a thing that happens with books and literature?
00:59:41.000 What is the term?
00:59:42.000 I think it is.
00:59:43.000 I think it's like Christmas songs.
00:59:47.000 Anyone can sing a Christmas song.
00:59:49.000 That's a public domain song.
00:59:51.000 That's exactly what the term is, public domain.
00:59:53.000 Yeah.
00:59:53.000 Does that happen with every song?
00:59:55.000 I don't think so.
00:59:56.000 I mean, it should really after like a hundred years or something like that.
00:59:59.000 Yeah.
00:59:59.000 I don't know.
01:00:01.000 I don't know, man.
01:00:02.000 You know, there's somebody who gets paid on Happy Birthday.
01:00:06.000 Yeah, that's pretty nuts.
01:00:07.000 Like when you go to Bennigan's, they can't sing Happy Birthday.
01:00:10.000 So they have some mutant version of it.
01:00:13.000 Birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday. 0.90
01:00:15.000 That's so gross. 0.51
01:00:16.000 Just do it and see if you get away with it. 0.51
01:00:18.000 You know where they're going?
01:00:19.000 They're going to sue Bennigan's all over the world for singing Happy Birthday. 0.62
01:00:23.000 That's just gross. 1.00
01:00:24.000 Whoever would do that, man, what a piece of shit you are. 1.00
01:00:27.000 You're claiming you own Happy Birthday. 1.00
01:00:29.000 Just because you own that shit on paper doesn't mean you own Happy Birthday, you fucking weirdo. 1.00
01:00:33.000 I know, it's everybody's. 1.00
01:00:34.000 Happy Birthday.
01:00:35.000 How can you own that? 1.00
01:00:38.000 Shit's been around forever. 1.00
01:00:39.000 Forever. 1.00
01:00:40.000 Did someone actually write that?
01:00:41.000 Yeah.
01:00:42.000 Two people, apparently.
01:00:43.000 I doubt it.
01:00:45.000 That's what they say.
01:00:46.000 I don't know.
01:00:46.000 Hey, let's get together and make a song together.
01:00:49.000 That's what they do, man.
01:00:50.000 They sit down and try to come up with a catchy lingo.
01:00:53.000 Are people following you right now?
01:00:56.000 On what?
01:00:58.000 On this stuff.
01:00:59.000 On Twitter?
01:01:00.000 Yeah, there's Twitters. 1.00
01:01:01.000 Oh, no shit. 0.99
01:01:01.000 See, that's why you need to get into Twitter. 0.99
01:01:04.000 You know the best thing about Twitter?
01:01:05.000 It's like, hey, I'm in Chicago right now.
01:01:08.000 What's the best place to eat?
01:01:09.000 You'll get instant answers.
01:01:11.000 Or, what's the best place to, where can I get some weed?
01:01:14.000 You know, instant answers.
01:01:16.000 I answer those questions myself.
01:01:18.000 Ha! 0.89
01:01:18.000 It's like instant information, though. 0.89
01:01:21.000 Can't you just do that yourself, though? 0.99
01:01:23.000 It's text messaging 8,000 people at once, or how many ever followers you are, so you can send shit out. 0.98
01:01:28.000 That's amazing. 0.98
01:01:30.000 That's a lot of power.
01:01:31.000 It's interesting.
01:01:32.000 You know what I mean?
01:01:32.000 Because you have the combined knowledge of 8,000, possibly, if they were all online at the same time.
01:01:40.000 Ask one question, so you have the population. 1.00
01:01:42.000 You definitely get good answers to a lot of shit. 0.99
01:01:44.000 And if you're an interesting person, you're into things that, you know, fascinating things about science and space, and I know you are, when you tweet those, if you find something online and you find some story like, whoa, check this shit out, you know, they just invented, bam! 0.99
01:01:56.000 And you put that link up, you put that link up, a bunch of dudes will retweet that link, and then they'll start sending you shit. 0.98
01:02:02.000 Hey, Ralphie, I know you're into this space shit, check this out, they just discovered this, doom! 0.99
01:02:06.000 And that's what's going on on my Twitter. 0.99
01:02:07.000 Have you heard about HAARP? Sure.
01:02:08.000 Have you heard about HAARP? Yes.
01:02:09.000 That's fucking amazing. 1.00
01:02:11.000 What have you heard? 0.99
01:02:11.000 What is your opinion of HARP? That we are secretly having a war. 0.99
01:02:16.000 We are attacking Pakistan, China, India, Bangladesh, and Indonesia, that whole area, a region. 1.00
01:02:32.000 So what are we doing to them?
01:02:33.000 We're causing flooding, like beyond all time that's ever been recorded.
01:02:39.000 Concentration of earthquakes, that we're relieving the pressure, that we're moving the ionosphere. - Wait a minute.
01:02:47.000 Where are you getting all this, man?
01:02:49.000 Are you sure about all this?
01:02:50.000 Yeah, it's called HAARP. No, I'm not sure.
01:02:53.000 But that's what I'm saying.
01:02:54.000 I mean, are you sure?
01:02:55.000 I know what you're saying.
01:02:56.000 I know that the floods this year were the greatest of all time.
01:03:01.000 According to USGS, they have a higher rate of...
01:03:05.000 We're in a very high earthquake for Asia, Central Asia, and South Asia.
01:03:13.000 Yeah, but Ralphie, that easily could be because of cycles of the earth. 0.98
01:03:17.000 That doesn't mean shit. 0.81
01:03:19.000 What we've studied as far as earthquakes and floods and the history of weather and disasters, we're dealing with a tiny fraction. 0.82
01:03:31.000 Of the time that the Earth has existed.
01:03:34.000 Our data is so small.
01:03:35.000 So when you say something like, you know, there's record earthquakes, there's record floods, the record is like you just woke up and the phone rang and you're like, this phone has rang a record number of times today.
01:03:46.000 Because it only rang once.
01:03:47.000 Because you've only been awake for five minutes. 0.76
01:03:49.000 Our knowledge of the Earth is so fucking minuscule that any time people get crazy and start saying things like, oh, there's a record number of earthquakes, it must be because someone's attacking Pakistan with a lightning bolt that goes into the sky. 0.91
01:04:02.000 It's not necessarily the fact. 0.99
01:04:03.000 That sounds sexy as fuck. 0.99
01:04:05.000 That sounds sexy as fuck. 1.00
01:04:06.000 That makes me very nervous. 0.99
01:04:07.000 But I don't think it's that simple.
01:04:09.000 I don't think it's that simple.
01:04:10.000 I think, who knows what it is.
01:04:11.000 It's a research project.
01:04:13.000 It's a high-frequency, active aurora research program.
01:04:16.000 We don't know exactly what they're doing.
01:04:18.000 They could be doing a bunch of different things.
01:04:20.000 They could be trying to charge up the ionosphere.
01:04:22.000 But the idea that they're, somehow they're shooting something into space and attacking Pakistan, dude. 0.95
01:04:27.000 Someone's bullshitting you.
01:04:29.000 Because that is not what's happening.
01:04:30.000 Okay.
01:04:31.000 There's just no evidence that points to that at all.
01:04:34.000 No, no, no. 0.99
01:04:35.000 There's all these fucking people that want everything to be sexy. 1.00
01:04:38.000 They want everything to be sexy. 1.00
01:04:40.000 They want everything to be, the government's attacking us from space.
01:04:43.000 They want everything to be a conspiracy.
01:04:45.000 And the problem with that kind of thinking is it fucks up the ones that are real conspiracies because there's a lot of them.
01:04:50.000 There's plenty of real ones.
01:04:51.000 I think that's a real, because it's a real place.
01:04:54.000 They're definitely doing real research, but I don't know what that is, and I don't think you do either.
01:05:00.000 And I think until we do know, you can't really say that. 0.99
01:05:03.000 You can't just go and say they're attacking Pakistan with shit from the sky. 0.99
01:05:07.000 No, but that's the latest theory. 0.99
01:05:09.000 By who?
01:05:10.000 Alex Jones' half-retarded illegitimate brother? 0.96
01:05:14.000 Who?
01:05:15.000 I like Jesse Ventura, but there's a lot of conspiracy theories.
01:05:20.000 I was a Navy SEAL. You should listen to me.
01:05:25.000 I was there in the shit. 0.99
01:05:27.000 I ain't got time to believe it. 0.99
01:05:29.000 Yeah, I listen to him, too, and I think he's another guy that's looking for things to be sexy.
01:05:32.000 He wants conspiracies. 0.99
01:05:34.000 There's plenty of goddamn conspiracies that are real. 0.99
01:05:37.000 But when you start looking for them in everything and saying that you know, things get fucking squirrely, man. 0.99
01:05:43.000 No, I just know that they're fucking with the ionosphere and they're bombarding it. 0.90
01:05:46.000 Sure, but I don't know. 0.90
01:05:47.000 I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.
01:05:49.000 It could be some sort of weather experimentation.
01:05:51.000 It could be some sort of experimentation as far as recharging the magnetosphere or changing things.
01:05:58.000 Or keeping the poles straight. 0.98
01:06:01.000 Who the fuck knows what they're doing? 1.00
01:06:02.000 I don't have a goddamn clue. 1.00
01:06:05.000 I know. 0.99
01:06:06.000 That's why I really want to know more about it.
01:06:08.000 There's a crazy one was Operation Starfish Prime.
01:06:12.000 I believe that's what it was called.
01:06:14.000 They shot a nuke up into space and blew it up.
01:06:17.000 Yeah, they exploded a nuke. 0.99
01:06:19.000 Way more fucking dangerous. 0.99
01:06:20.000 They did it in the 50s. 1.00
01:06:21.000 The Russians did it. 1.00
01:06:21.000 Well, the Americans did it. 1.00
01:06:22.000 We did it first.
01:06:23.000 We blew it up inside the Van Allen radiation belts like they were going to try to punch a hole through the Van Allen radiation belts.
01:06:29.000 Everything up, man.
01:06:31.000 It made it way more radioactive.
01:06:32.000 The whole thing is a disaster up there. 0.99
01:06:34.000 It'll be like that for a billion years and shit. 1.00
01:06:36.000 Yeah, it's fucking done. 1.00
01:06:37.000 But it fucked up. 1.00
01:06:38.000 It stopped power in New Zealand, to Australia, to Los Angeles. 0.99
01:06:45.000 The EM pulse was so much more magnified because of where it was.
01:06:49.000 It's really trippy when you go back in time and look at how many different things that human beings did where they just took a chance.
01:06:56.000 Let's see what happens when we just blow up a nuclear bomb in space. 0.92
01:06:59.000 Let's just shoot it up there and blow it up. 0.95
01:07:02.000 And they all sat around and thought about it and go, can we do that? 0.97
01:07:04.000 Yeah, we can do that. 0.99
01:07:05.000 John Wayne made a movie called Genghis Khan in the crater of a fucking nuke. 0.97
01:07:12.000 We surface detonated and then like eight years later they made a film in the crater. 0.99
01:07:17.000 Really? 1.00
01:07:18.000 That's why everybody on that fucking movie died of cancer. 0.99
01:07:21.000 I did hear that he had done some movie and they filmed it somewhere near where they're doing nuclear experiments. 0.99
01:07:28.000 But I didn't know they filmed it in the crater. 0.99
01:07:30.000 In the fucking crater, dude. 1.00
01:07:31.000 Okay. 1.00
01:07:32.000 Gotta go back to Google.
01:07:33.000 Ralphie May requires a lot of Google for me to agree with him.
01:07:36.000 I'm sorry, brother.
01:07:36.000 I'm sorry.
01:07:38.000 Okay, so it's John Wayne.
01:07:41.000 John Wayne.
01:07:42.000 By all.
01:07:43.000 Genghis Khan.
01:07:45.000 How do you spell Genghis?
01:07:46.000 G-E-N. Multiple spellings, but I think it's G-E-N-G-H-I-S. G-H-I-S. And then Khan. 1.00
01:07:54.000 K-H-A-N. That was the role that he played. 1.00
01:07:59.000 I don't know if it was the name of the movie. 1.00
01:08:02.000 Everybody on that fucking thing, from the set directors to catering died of cancer. 0.99
01:08:07.000 Wow. 1.00
01:08:08.000 Did Genghis Khan nuke John Wayne?
01:08:11.000 Right away, man.
01:08:12.000 Right away the story's about it. 0.97
01:08:13.000 Creepy fucking right, right? 0.99
01:08:15.000 Wow. 1.00
01:08:16.000 Goddamn. 1.00
01:08:16.000 He was also a two-pack-a-day smoker. 1.00
01:08:18.000 Extensive, above-ground nuclear weapons testing occurred at the test site as part of Operation Upshot Knothole.
01:08:27.000 I'm telling you, man.
01:08:29.000 That's where the pictures come from. 0.99
01:08:30.000 They just used to do shit back there. 0.98
01:08:32.000 But in 1981, 91 of them had developed some form of cancer and 46 had died of the cancer. 1.00
01:08:38.000 Holy shit. 0.97
01:08:39.000 So out of 220 people in the entire cast and crew, almost half of them That would be their continuous exposure over multiple weeks. 0.98
01:08:49.000 But they filmed really fast back then.
01:08:51.000 So it wasn't even like it was nowadays.
01:08:53.000 I wonder how long they were there for.
01:08:55.000 Yeah, but what if they just all ate red M&Ms or something like that, you know?
01:08:59.000 What if it was just something else? 0.98
01:09:00.000 I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact they were in a fucking nuclear crater. 0.98
01:09:04.000 They were in a crater blown up by a... 0.99
01:09:06.000 Atomic bomb.
01:09:08.000 A half-life of 5,000 years and you're just chilling there filming.
01:09:11.000 Take-toe.
01:09:13.000 I wasn't feeling that one.
01:09:14.000 Can we get another take on that one?
01:09:15.000 Yes.
01:09:16.000 How pissed would you be?
01:09:17.000 How pissed would you be?
01:09:19.000 You didn't know?
01:09:20.000 You didn't know?
01:09:22.000 The actors don't know?
01:09:23.000 You think John Wayne knew?
01:09:24.000 He didn't know?
01:09:25.000 Nobody knew.
01:09:26.000 The producers didn't know either.
01:09:27.000 That's a crazy thing.
01:09:28.000 No one knew.
01:09:28.000 Well, they got cheap shooting.
01:09:30.000 They fucking knew that. 0.99
01:09:31.000 That's not that long ago, man. 1.00
01:09:32.000 That's like the 1960s and shit. 0.97
01:09:34.000 Yeah, it was in the 60s, right? 0.99
01:09:35.000 I'm nuts at people. 0.99
01:09:37.000 We didn't know shit just then. 0.99
01:09:39.000 That's like 50 years ago, man. 0.98
01:09:41.000 We didn't know shit then. 0.97
01:09:42.000 That's amazing. 0.95
01:09:43.000 That's incredible.
01:09:44.000 Yeah.
01:09:44.000 Where's your survival place?
01:09:46.000 I don't know, man. 1.00
01:09:47.000 I'll go back to Colorado when the shit hits the fan. 0.99
01:09:50.000 You still have your place in Colorado? 1.00
01:09:51.000 No.
01:09:52.000 No.
01:09:52.000 I only leased it.
01:09:53.000 I leased it for a year.
01:09:54.000 I might totally go back there.
01:09:56.000 My safe place would be the shower curled up in the fetal position. 0.66
01:09:58.000 Yeah.
01:09:59.000 I'm going to kiss you in the cheek before I drive off into the background.
01:10:03.000 Yeah, right.
01:10:04.000 Take it later.
01:10:05.000 Zombie hordes.
01:10:07.000 They'll be coming for you, son.
01:10:08.000 Man, it will get very...
01:10:10.000 Within days, metropolitan areas will be...
01:10:13.000 With the interruption of basic service...
01:10:16.000 I'd probably go right to Guam.
01:10:17.000 Yeah, that's the problem.
01:10:18.000 It only needs to be out for a couple of weeks. 0.99
01:10:21.000 Look what happened in the fucking horrors that happened in Katrina. 0.99
01:10:24.000 That's terrible, man. 1.00
01:10:26.000 I've watched documentaries on that shit. 1.00
01:10:28.000 Horrific what that city went through. 1.00
01:10:30.000 It's like the civilization just shut down. 1.00
01:10:31.000 Shut the fuck down. 1.00
01:10:32.000 And it took a matter of days. 1.00
01:10:34.000 Tell you what, you take fresh water and electricity away from people, and they go fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. 0.97
01:10:40.000 It is amazing when you see the difference. 0.98
01:10:41.000 They don't know how to survive.
01:10:42.000 Well, yeah, nobody does.
01:10:43.000 And they go animal. 0.99
01:10:44.000 And it's hot as fuck there. 0.99
01:10:45.000 It's scary. 0.99
01:10:47.000 Well, you're not supposed to be there.
01:10:48.000 The whole city's not supposed to be there.
01:10:50.000 Yeah, it's not supposed to be underwater like that.
01:10:52.000 That's the crazy thing.
01:10:53.000 It's below sea level.
01:10:54.000 Yeah.
01:10:54.000 So you have walls up to keep the ocean out?
01:10:57.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:10:58.000 And this is where you keep your shit? 1.00
01:10:59.000 This is where you sleep? 1.00
01:11:00.000 Yeah.
01:11:01.000 I know it's awesome.
01:11:02.000 But why is it awesome?
01:11:03.000 It's awesome because there's people that are awesome.
01:11:05.000 Why not move the awesome people?
01:11:06.000 Let's all make an agreement.
01:11:07.000 Let's all move our awesomeness up to higher ground.
01:11:10.000 If they hadn't had this recession, they were talking about the largest public's work thing ever.
01:11:18.000 They were going to detour the Mississippi and Jesus Christ! 0.98
01:11:42.000 An incredible waste of money.
01:11:44.000 But they were going to build all this thing.
01:11:47.000 And the idea is because it's so awesome.
01:11:49.000 New Orleans is so awesome.
01:11:51.000 Yeah, that it needs to be protected.
01:11:53.000 It's kind of crazy, man, because it's not like there's a lack of places to move to.
01:11:57.000 There's a lot of spots in this country that you could relocate.
01:12:02.000 How many people are living in New Orleans, though?
01:12:03.000 It's got to be like a million, right?
01:12:05.000 Yeah, easy.
01:12:06.000 Something like that.
01:12:07.000 But, you know, it's a great generator for Louisiana.
01:12:10.000 That's the real problem.
01:12:11.000 It's like moving them quick, impossible.
01:12:13.000 It's just too many people.
01:12:14.000 Well, man, I know Houston's not the same since Katrina.
01:12:16.000 But they should have slowed.
01:12:17.000 It's not, right?
01:12:18.000 It's really not, dude. 0.95
01:12:19.000 It's really fucking not. 0.88
01:12:21.000 I mean, the murder rate went up like 340%. 0.97
01:12:24.000 Dude, well, we were there right afterwards, and you could see, like, all these people that had been displaced.
01:12:31.000 They were all over the streets of downtown.
01:12:33.000 Like, whoa, this is, like, way different than it was just a year ago.
01:12:36.000 Yeah, man. 0.94
01:12:37.000 The whole New Orleans thing has got to suck because New Orleans, like, everybody talks about how great the city is. 1.00
01:12:42.000 Like, people fucking love that place. 1.00
01:12:45.000 They love it, man. 0.99
01:12:45.000 They love it. 0.99
01:12:46.000 So the fact that it's, like, in this shit spot, like, fuck, man. 1.00
01:12:49.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:12:50.000 What I was saying is nonsense about moving it.
01:12:52.000 You really could never move it.
01:12:53.000 You never recreate it.
01:12:54.000 It wouldn't work.
01:12:55.000 It's a terrible idea.
01:12:57.000 It'd be Disney. 0.92
01:12:58.000 It's too bad they didn't slowly fucking creep back into an area and keep New Orleans, but slowly move back away from where the water will hit. 0.85
01:13:06.000 I lived in New Orleans for like six months. 0.90
01:13:08.000 Did you?
01:13:08.000 Yeah.
01:13:09.000 I was cooking at Nola's.
01:13:11.000 And there's a lot of people in New Orleans that believe, again, because it happened once in the 60s, during, I think it was Camille, that white people from Lake Pontchartrain blew up, dynamited the levees.
01:13:27.000 Really?
01:13:28.000 Yeah.
01:13:29.000 Isn't this like a Spike Lee conspiracy?
01:13:30.000 No, that's a fact.
01:13:31.000 It's a fact?
01:13:32.000 It's a fact.
01:13:33.000 And that people heard loud explosions...
01:13:38.000 That were still on their roofs.
01:13:39.000 The majority of them died when they drowned. 0.98
01:13:42.000 Okay, so these people, they blew up the levees to drown the black people? 1.00
01:13:46.000 No, to drain Lake Pontchartrain. 0.97
01:13:49.000 Because it's Lake Pontchartrain with the largest amount of water you're keeping back.
01:13:52.000 Okay.
01:13:53.000 And the areas that it happened to be are the 9th.
01:13:55.000 So why did they want to do that?
01:13:57.000 To save the white communities on Pontchartrain. 0.96
01:14:00.000 The really expensive homes.
01:14:02.000 Oh, okay.
01:14:03.000 So they had to drain it because those homes were going to get encroached by water?
01:14:07.000 Yeah, the water was about to flood them.
01:14:10.000 Oh, so they jacked everybody by breaking the dams and then killing a bunch of people.
01:14:14.000 A bunch of people must have died, right?
01:14:15.000 Yeah, that's where I think 95% of the casualties from Katrina happened was the flooding.
01:14:22.000 Wow.
01:14:23.000 And people go, you know, you've got time.
01:14:25.000 And it's like, no, you're not.
01:14:27.000 You know what I mean?
01:14:27.000 That water's coming in at like, you know, a foot every second.
01:14:32.000 What the fuck? 0.99
01:14:34.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:14:34.000 And it's like, you can't. 1.00
01:14:35.000 Where the fuck you go? 1.00
01:14:36.000 Could you fucking imagine getting stuck in your house because there's water outside up to the second floor? 1.00
01:14:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:14:45.000 Crazy.
01:14:46.000 And you're stuck in the attic, and then outside it's 108 degrees, and you're baking, and that's when people die.
01:14:55.000 Wow.
01:14:55.000 And there was a big, big, big problem with the amount of response and the quickness of the response by the government.
01:15:00.000 Yeah, man. 0.98
01:15:01.000 I mean, in 18 hours we can be in fucking Afghanistan with 10,000 troops. 0.99
01:15:07.000 In 18 hours. 0.99
01:15:09.000 We couldn't go to New Orleans.
01:15:11.000 Yeah.
01:15:11.000 There's no money.
01:15:11.000 There's no money in being able to go to New Orleans.
01:15:14.000 It's crazy, man. 0.99
01:15:15.000 The money is in going to countries with tanks and taking care of business and owning shit. 1.00
01:15:19.000 I know, but it's like Anderson Cooper's there going, hey, this is all falling shit. 0.99
01:15:25.000 Oh, well, we don't watch CNN. We watch Fox News and Bill O'Reilly says that those white people should have left and fuck them. 1.00
01:15:31.000 Did he really say that? 1.00
01:15:32.000 No, no, he did not say that.
01:15:34.000 No, no, he just gives off attitude.
01:15:35.000 Fox News gives off an attitude that's shared by a lot of people.
01:15:42.000 Those people knew that the hurricane was coming and they should just leave. 0.99
01:15:45.000 But life on the Gulf, if you ever lived there, you never think you're going to get a fucking hit. 0.98
01:15:49.000 You have parties. 0.99
01:15:50.000 Yeah, you have parties.
01:15:51.000 And the truth is that power is out for a week, week and a half, two weeks. 1.00
01:15:55.000 If you can take it, fuck it, there'll be ice. 0.99
01:15:58.000 You'll be able to stay in your house. 1.00
01:16:01.000 You won't get looted.
01:16:02.000 But you're also talking about people who are dirt poor, that don't have a disposable... 0.99
01:16:06.000 In case the fucking hurricane hits right now, I've got $500 to take me to Houston to where my relatives are. 0.97
01:16:14.000 Well, on an individual basis, you could always understand everybody's own problems in getting out of there. 0.98
01:16:19.000 But, as you look at it objectively, they're right.
01:16:22.000 The people that are saying, why are they living there?
01:16:23.000 They're right.
01:16:24.000 You really shouldn't be living in a place where you're that close to some sort of catastrophe. 0.96
01:16:27.000 The Army Corps of Engineers has fucked it up. 0.94
01:16:29.000 The Army Corps of Engineers fucked it up? 0.98
01:16:31.000 Yeah, when they dredged and they put the intercoastal channel in, they stopped the wetlands from being formed.
01:16:39.000 The natural delta effect of the Mississippi is to meander, and they fixed it so they had proper channels for shipping.
01:16:47.000 Oh yeah?
01:16:48.000 Okay.
01:16:49.000 And what's happening is it's eroding coastline.
01:16:51.000 And coastline is going further and further back.
01:16:53.000 Instead of being constantly built up, it's being allowed to erode.
01:16:58.000 And that's why hurricanes over the future are going to be more damaging to the city of New Orleans.
01:17:04.000 And why is that important?
01:17:05.000 Because 80% of, well I know as soon as Katrina happened, there was no fuel in Nashville.
01:17:12.000 There was no fuel.
01:17:13.000 There was no gas stations.
01:17:15.000 And it got crazy quick.
01:17:17.000 And people were having to go out and see their neighbor and say, hey, do you have gas?
01:17:23.000 Yes, I do.
01:17:24.000 I need to go shopping.
01:17:25.000 I do too.
01:17:26.000 Great.
01:17:26.000 Then when do you want to go?
01:17:28.000 It was crazy.
01:17:30.000 We have enough gas to go shopping.
01:17:31.000 And this was in Nashville?
01:17:32.000 In Nashville.
01:17:33.000 How long did this go on for?
01:17:34.000 It was going on for like two and a half weeks.
01:17:36.000 Didn't it happen in Georgia too?
01:17:39.000 It happened in a lot of places.
01:17:41.000 Because that happened while we were in Atlanta while that was going down.
01:17:43.000 And the people were talking about it when we were working at the punchline.
01:17:47.000 Right.
01:17:47.000 And the employees were talking about it.
01:17:49.000 Yeah.
01:17:49.000 There was no gas and people were waiting in line.
01:17:50.000 Right.
01:17:51.000 Giant lines to get in.
01:17:52.000 Giant lines.
01:17:53.000 And as soon as you sell, people were going on their CBs and internet and looking for trucks.
01:18:01.000 True.
01:18:01.000 I mean, you know, any tanker that was going through was being diverted.
01:18:06.000 Dude, we don't know how close we are to the tit.
01:18:08.000 Dude, we are less than eight hours away from total catastrophe at any time. 0.99
01:18:12.000 God damn it, Ralphie Mae. 1.00
01:18:13.000 Why are you bringing this doom and gloom here? 0.99
01:18:15.000 I'm just trying to say positive.
01:18:16.000 I'm trying to be positive. 0.99
01:18:17.000 I'm just trying to tell you that you're right to train and be UFC and be fucking, you know, closer to your chimp. 1.00
01:18:23.000 All right. 0.99
01:18:24.000 Because we are very close, you know, with our fucking iPhones and everything like this and Twitter and all this shit. 0.99
01:18:29.000 You know, we've got this amazing amount of power that electromagnetic pulse would knock out completely. 0.99
01:18:34.000 All right. 1.00
01:18:35.000 Or or say say fucking terrorist, you know, instead of instead of going for the fucking towers. 1.00
01:18:41.000 All right. 1.00
01:18:42.000 They flew into that fucking Indian River fucking nuclear facility, you know, that's between Poughkeepsie and New York and irradiated all in New York. 1.00
01:18:50.000 Or hypernovas. 0.99
01:18:52.000 I was watching this documentary.
01:18:53.000 Hypernovas?
01:18:54.000 Hypernovas.
01:18:55.000 In other galaxies.
01:18:56.000 These hypernovas, when they first started recording them, they had no idea that anything could emit this much power.
01:19:03.000 Power.
01:19:04.000 The hypernovas have so much power, they have more power than all the stars in the sky combined.
01:19:09.000 Yeah.
01:19:09.000 And they happen all the time.
01:19:11.000 They happen a couple times a day.
01:19:13.000 All throughout the day they're happening.
01:19:15.000 And these massive waves of energy, cosmic rays. 0.93
01:19:18.000 And it's this just fucking massive supernova, sun-exploding event. 0.92
01:19:24.000 Like a ripple. 0.98
01:19:25.000 That would just destroy the entire galaxy. 0.99
01:19:28.000 Just cut through it and just rape everything, leave everything there and dead and just cook the galaxy. 0.98
01:19:37.000 It would start anew. 0.99
01:19:38.000 And then just go it off.
01:19:40.000 They all go it off in the sky.
01:19:41.000 Pop.
01:19:42.000 Pop.
01:19:43.000 Jesus.
01:19:43.000 It's going off, dude.
01:19:45.000 It's fucking mind-blowing what's out there. 0.99
01:19:47.000 Beyond mind-blowing. 1.00
01:19:49.000 What could kill all of us?
01:19:50.000 It was a great special on PBS. I don't know if you saw the documentary.
01:19:53.000 I don't need to watch that shit. 1.00
01:19:54.000 I don't think like that all the time. 1.00
01:19:56.000 Or you're just at Walmart and somebody stabs you.
01:19:59.000 You're a kid in Milwaukee.
01:20:02.000 Brian's scared of Walmart.
01:20:02.000 Let's get to the heart of this.
01:20:04.000 Does anybody ever pull a knife on you in Walmart?
01:20:06.000 Yes.
01:20:07.000 There's tons of weapons there.
01:20:09.000 Someone pulled a knife on you at Walmart.
01:20:10.000 Oh, no.
01:20:11.000 No, but I've seen tons of knives.
01:20:13.000 I've never had a supernova in my face.
01:20:15.000 Yeah, that's true too. 0.67
01:20:16.000 Some douchebag cholo supernova. 1.00
01:20:19.000 I want to start some shit. 1.00
01:20:22.000 Cosmically, we were wearing Chargers jerseys. 1.00
01:20:24.000 We got stabbed by our Raiders fans.
01:20:28.000 Dude, I was reading some article online about they're watching these two galaxies collide somewhere, and they're just starting to record this.
01:20:39.000 Yeah.
01:20:41.000 The galaxies hit each other, dude. 1.00
01:20:43.000 Just stop and think about that shit. 1.00
01:20:45.000 You could get hit by a planet. 1.00
01:20:47.000 Well, you know, everything has gravity, so the sun is the most dense thing in the solar system, and it's spinning in something more dense to make it spin in that area that rotates something else that's even denser to cause it to have a gravitational spin while exponentially space is expanding out to infinity, and it just fucking blows your mind, dude. 0.98
01:21:08.000 When you start listening to Carl Sagan and you start listening to Stephen Hawking and shit like that, it's fucking mind-blowing.
01:21:16.000 It's amazing we're as calm as we are about it all. 0.98
01:21:18.000 It's amazing we just...
01:21:19.000 Isn't it?
01:21:19.000 You kind of have to.
01:21:20.000 You just accept it.
01:21:21.000 You have to accept a certain level of anxiety and panic. 1.00
01:21:24.000 And it's like, what the fuck? 1.00
01:21:26.000 And there we are, back to religion. 1.00
01:21:28.000 It's not me, it's God.
01:21:29.000 The big thing with the real serious conspiracy theorists is the 2012 thing.
01:21:35.000 That's the big one.
01:21:36.000 I know. 0.99
01:21:36.000 I thought bullshit. 0.99
01:21:38.000 The Mayan calendar. 0.99
01:21:40.000 The Anunnaki connection. 0.96
01:21:42.000 That's when the big planet that's on an elliptical orbit that's 3,600 years away, it comes around and comes into our atmosphere every 3,600 years.
01:21:53.000 And that's where we learned everything.
01:21:55.000 That's where the Anunnaki came from. 1.00
01:21:56.000 They taught us how to mine for gold for them.
01:21:59.000 It's pretty trippy, dude.
01:22:01.000 That's crazy.
01:22:02.000 I love it, man. 1.00
01:22:03.000 Did you see that fucking shit that passed between us and the moon? 1.00
01:22:08.000 That big meteor? 1.00
01:22:10.000 Which time?
01:22:11.000 It sounded a bunch of times.
01:22:12.000 Yeah, but I mean, the one that just happened like a month ago.
01:22:14.000 No, I didn't pay attention to that.
01:22:15.000 Was it a big one? 0.99
01:22:16.000 It was fucking big as a semi. 0.99
01:22:19.000 Really? 0.99
01:22:19.000 Yeah, it hits. 0.99
01:22:20.000 It explodes in the fucking atmosphere and we have what they did in Siberia in 1918. Would it really? 0.99
01:22:26.000 Yeah, man.
01:22:27.000 Something that size could do that?
01:22:29.000 Yes!
01:22:30.000 Wow. 0.99
01:22:30.000 It's fucking amazing! 0.99
01:22:32.000 You know that plane that we were talking about? 0.99
01:22:34.000 The supersonic jet was going 2,000 miles an hour, right?
01:22:38.000 Yeah.
01:22:39.000 The asteroids that hit, a lot of them are going 45,000 miles an hour.
01:22:44.000 Boom.
01:22:44.000 Stop and think about that.
01:22:46.000 Vaporization.
01:22:47.000 Just...
01:22:47.000 Screaming through space and slamming into the Earth.
01:22:53.000 The one that killed the dinosaurs, within the first second, it was five miles deep into the Earth.
01:22:58.000 Wow!
01:23:00.000 That's amazing.
01:23:00.000 That's the one off the Yucatan Peninsula, right?
01:23:02.000 Within the first second, it was five miles deep into the earth.
01:23:07.000 You won't even see that.
01:23:10.000 Maybe on the other side, no, it's the speed of light.
01:23:12.000 It would be a flash and you'd be gone. 0.98
01:23:14.000 Dude, that would suck hard. 0.97
01:23:16.000 And you know what would suck harder? 0.99
01:23:18.000 Living.
01:23:18.000 You couldn't.
01:23:19.000 If you fucking lived through that, you're just some scurrying, egg-stealing rat. 1.00
01:23:25.000 If this thing hits like it did, it would turn continents over. 1.00
01:23:31.000 The ultimate trip to think that 65 million years ago there was none of this.
01:23:36.000 There was none of us.
01:23:37.000 Nothing even close.
01:23:39.000 No flowering plants.
01:23:41.000 Everything was totally different.
01:23:42.000 65 million years old.
01:23:44.000 Crazy, isn't it? 0.89
01:23:45.000 Giant lizards that just fucked each other up. 0.99
01:23:48.000 Just ate all day? 0.98
01:23:49.000 They ate each other.
01:23:50.000 All giant lizards cannibalizing each other.
01:23:53.000 I can't wait to watch some trees.
01:23:53.000 They found out that T-Rex was a huge cannibal.
01:23:55.000 That's the most recent discovery.
01:23:56.000 Really?
01:23:56.000 Yeah.
01:23:57.000 Huge cannibal.
01:23:57.000 Yeah, they just ate everything.
01:23:58.000 They attacked everything.
01:23:59.000 They ate each other.
01:24:00.000 They also found out that one dinosaur didn't even exist, though, so I don't even...
01:24:03.000 Triceratops.
01:24:03.000 Yeah.
01:24:04.000 Well, they found out that it existed.
01:24:05.000 No, it exists, but they didn't know that it was just the mature version of another dinosaur.
01:24:10.000 What if there was only one dinosaur that lived and it was a huge alien that ate all these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the Earth?
01:24:17.000 You know, that none of these animals actually even lived on Earth.
01:24:20.000 It was just another alien that barfed it everywhere.
01:24:24.000 You know, like this big alien came from another planet and he just like, barf, barf.
01:24:28.000 Yeah, and he did that for 250 million years.
01:24:32.000 That adds up to the carbon dating of all these fossils. 0.99
01:24:34.000 The fuck's wrong with you, Matt? 0.99
01:24:36.000 You live in a cartoon world, son. 1.00
01:24:37.000 No, it was just this one huge dinosaur that visited Earth once in a while.
01:24:41.000 He's like, I'm just gonna go barf on Earth for a bit.
01:24:43.000 What if we're just a toilet?
01:24:45.000 We don't even know.
01:24:45.000 Brian, that is...
01:24:47.000 You got brain damage.
01:24:49.000 You need to find out what happened.
01:24:51.000 That actually makes more sense than a lot of things.
01:24:54.000 Oh, it totally makes sense.
01:24:55.000 No, I agree with you.
01:24:56.000 That a big giant dinosaur barfed out all these dinosaurs that are here.
01:25:00.000 That's totally what happened.
01:25:01.000 No, no.
01:25:02.000 Bones from eating them.
01:25:03.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:25:03.000 That's totally what happened.
01:25:04.000 Like, he shit it out. 0.99
01:25:04.000 He shit it out. 0.99
01:25:05.000 He ate them all. 0.99
01:25:06.000 Over hundreds of millions of years.
01:25:08.000 He totally did it.
01:25:09.000 And throughout the entire evolutionary chain where you can see where they had legs and then all of a sudden they learn how to walk.
01:25:14.000 They're probably all different species because we don't know what species is in different ways.
01:25:18.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:25:18.000 That one dinosaur that they just said didn't exist just found out it was a younger version of another dinosaur.
01:25:23.000 Yeah.
01:25:23.000 Yeah, so all these other species and all these other dinosaurs, we don't have any idea if this dinosaur is this dinosaur.
01:25:29.000 We find out new shit all the time. 0.90
01:25:31.000 We find out new shit all the time, but they know most of what happened. 0.98
01:25:35.000 The only thing that's really weird about any fossils is that most things when they die do not leave a fossil. 0.95
01:25:40.000 When you die, most likely you're not going to leave a fossil.
01:25:43.000 You leave a fossil if you die in a mudslide.
01:25:45.000 Yeah.
01:25:47.000 Pompeii.
01:25:48.000 Yeah, animals come along and eat your bones, and that's a wrap. 0.71
01:25:50.000 This monster likes to eat dinosaurs and mud.
01:25:53.000 Like bear, for instance.
01:25:55.000 Here's a perfect example.
01:25:56.000 It's very difficult to find dead bears.
01:25:59.000 To find dead anything.
01:26:01.000 We know bears die all the time, but you don't really run into their bodies that often.
01:26:05.000 That's because they eat them.
01:26:06.000 They eat them, and rats eat them, and something eats the bones, and coyotes eat them, and the bones get crushed up and ground up.
01:26:12.000 If you don't come up on it within a matter of a week...
01:26:15.000 I don't know how long it takes, but...
01:26:17.000 Yeah.
01:26:18.000 Sometimes you, I mean, I've been walking through the woods in Arkansas and walked up on a deer carcass.
01:26:22.000 Yeah.
01:26:23.000 I mean, where a whole deer, you know, with its antlers and everything.
01:26:26.000 So the point is, if you want to find a fossilized deer, good luck.
01:26:29.000 Yeah.
01:26:30.000 Good luck.
01:26:31.000 Good luck.
01:26:31.000 I mean, deer have been around for who knows how long, let's say a million years or so.
01:26:34.000 Is that long enough to make a fossil?
01:26:35.000 Where's the fossilized deer?
01:26:36.000 Well, they're in the tar pits. 0.99
01:26:38.000 They're in shit like that. 1.00
01:26:39.000 Right, shit like that. 1.00
01:26:40.000 Perfect example. 1.00
01:26:40.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:26:41.000 The Pleistocene, you know, ended just 10,000 years ago.
01:26:44.000 I just found that out recently that, like, saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths, they existed just a little over 10,000 years ago.
01:26:51.000 Right where we are.
01:26:52.000 That is incredible.
01:26:53.000 Right where we are.
01:26:54.000 Wrap your head around that.
01:26:55.000 Woolly mammoths were just 10,000 years ago.
01:26:57.000 Dude, wrap your mind around this.
01:26:59.000 There's scientists that want to recreate the woolly mammoth.
01:27:02.000 Oh, I've seen that.
01:27:03.000 Russian scientists.
01:27:04.000 Yeah, they've got the DNA. As a food source.
01:27:06.000 Yeah.
01:27:06.000 As a huge food source in very barren lands.
01:27:10.000 Yeah, they're talking about how they could survive easily.
01:27:12.000 On lichens?
01:27:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:27:14.000 And they would just fucking butcher them and cook up the elephant meat. 0.99
01:27:19.000 I bet it's delicious. 0.98
01:27:19.000 What do you think elephant is like? 0.98
01:27:19.000 Oh, I bet it's like bison or whatever it's called. 0.98
01:27:22.000 Bison?
01:27:22.000 Bison.
01:27:23.000 Really?
01:27:23.000 I bet it's like bison.
01:27:24.000 Well, they're a totally different type of animal, though.
01:27:26.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:27:27.000 You know, bisons are related to horses and shit. 0.99
01:27:29.000 It's like the same hoofed animals. 0.99
01:27:31.000 They're different, but they're related.
01:27:33.000 I don't think elephants in that.
01:27:35.000 I think that's a totally different thing, right?
01:27:37.000 Yeah.
01:27:37.000 I don't know.
01:27:38.000 Elephants, that's where they would incubate the embryo. 0.97
01:27:41.000 So in Africa, do people eat a lot of elephants?
01:27:43.000 Is that a common thing?
01:27:44.000 They used to.
01:27:45.000 I know they still hunt them.
01:27:46.000 Yeah.
01:27:47.000 People don't understand that they kind of have to hunt them in some places. 0.99
01:27:50.000 Some places they overpopulate and they start fucking with the people that live there and trampling houses and shit. 1.00
01:27:56.000 They'll kill you if you're fucking dead, dude. 1.00
01:27:58.000 Like most, I mean, it's horrible that any elephant, elephants are fantastic animals, but it's horrible that any of them have to get killed. 1.00
01:28:04.000 If people are going to live there and elephants are going to live there, you're going to have to choose between elephants and people. 0.78
01:28:09.000 Or you're going to have to move those elephants and get them somehow the fuck out of there. 0.88
01:28:13.000 Or move the people. 0.86
01:28:13.000 Yeah. 0.86
01:28:14.000 It's a tricky thing, man.
01:28:15.000 Elephant ears are delicious.
01:28:17.000 Apparently. 1.00
01:28:18.000 What the fuck is wrong with you today? 0.99
01:28:20.000 I would assume they're just leathery. 1.00
01:28:22.000 I mean, I got hit by an elephant. 0.83
01:28:24.000 Do you still have that elephant horn, the ivory dildo? 0.98
01:28:28.000 Do you still have that?
01:28:29.000 What?
01:28:30.000 You don't remember that?
01:28:31.000 No.
01:28:31.000 Okay, whatever.
01:28:32.000 You don't remember an ivory dildo, dude, that escapes you?
01:28:36.000 Really?
01:28:36.000 What?
01:28:37.000 Wow. 1.00
01:28:37.000 See, I'm doing what you do now, stupid. 1.00
01:28:39.000 I'm just making shit up. 1.00
01:28:40.000 Not fun, is it? 0.98
01:28:41.000 Yeah, not so good for conversation, is it?
01:28:43.000 That was actually a possibility, though. 0.98
01:28:45.000 You might have an ivory dildo. 0.98
01:28:46.000 Did I black out? 0.65
01:28:47.000 I've seen, like, I've met somebody that has, like, something ivory that's like, why is that ivory?
01:28:52.000 That's bad. 0.52
01:28:52.000 And I'm trying to think, like, oh, did I did a girl that had an ivory dildo? 0.52
01:28:56.000 The thing about ivory is there's a ban on ivory, but they harvested so many tusks before the ban that it's readily available.
01:29:04.000 You can buy pre-ban ivory, it's called.
01:29:07.000 Yeah.
01:29:07.000 Yeah.
01:29:07.000 And you've got to look at it this way.
01:29:09.000 Those animals were already murdered, and they were murdered for their horns, their tusks.
01:29:13.000 And you should do something with it.
01:29:15.000 I mean, someone should either have it and buy it as a decoration because it's beautiful, and to remind people that these majestic animals live and they have these crazy horns, or use it to make things out of them.
01:29:27.000 But otherwise, you're just wasting the fact that these things died.
01:29:31.000 They don't make soap out of ivory.
01:29:32.000 Yeah.
01:29:33.000 No, but it is good soap. 1.00
01:29:35.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99
01:29:36.000 I know. 1.00
01:29:37.000 Again, soap.
01:29:39.000 Dude, you are like the perfect child.
01:29:42.000 You're like the child.
01:29:43.000 So strange working with you.
01:29:46.000 It is good soap, though.
01:29:48.000 Ivory soap is perfect.
01:29:50.000 It's all you need, right?
01:29:50.000 Do you guys use soap or do you go to the liquid soap?
01:29:53.000 Because I recently switched back to soap because I saw some study about how dirty and gross soap is.
01:30:00.000 And then I went to body soap instead.
01:30:02.000 And then I recently went back to body soap.
01:30:05.000 I use this stuff called Defense Soap.
01:30:07.000 It's all for grappling.
01:30:08.000 It's soap that's designed with all these natural oils in it, like tea tree oil and stuff like that, eucalyptus oil.
01:30:14.000 It smells great, and it's probiotic, so it encourages healthy bacteria and kills negative bacteria.
01:30:21.000 Stuff.
01:30:21.000 Wow.
01:30:21.000 Kills everything bad off your body, but it's not antibiotic, or it's not antibacterial, so it doesn't fuck with the natural chemistry of your skin.
01:30:29.000 It actually enhances it, and it smells good, and it's healthy. 0.90
01:30:32.000 It's really good for your skin, and it's great for after jiu-jitsu, because when you do jiu-jitsu, you always worry about getting skin rashes, whether it's ringworm, or some people get staph infections from scratches and shit like that. 0.79
01:30:44.000 Do you use a washcloth? 0.79
01:30:46.000 When you shower with eating soap?
01:30:49.000 Sometimes.
01:30:49.000 I use a couple different things.
01:30:51.000 See, I gave up on the sponge things in my hand, which is the shit. 0.98
01:30:54.000 Yeah, but doesn't the bacteria and all that crap get on that? 0.99
01:30:57.000 I use a fresh one.
01:30:58.000 You use the same one?
01:30:59.000 See, I don't use any one.
01:31:01.000 I just use my hand.
01:31:04.000 I think you clean the sponge off, man.
01:31:06.000 You wash the sponge off. 0.99
01:31:07.000 I don't think it's fucking rocket science. 1.00
01:31:09.000 Can't be too much of a pussy. 1.00
01:31:11.000 Can't be worried about bacteria in your sponge. 1.00
01:31:13.000 Get that fucking soap in there. 1.00
01:31:15.000 You'll be fine. 1.00
01:31:17.000 But yeah, the defense soap is the shit. 0.99
01:31:19.000 If you want to try it out, you go to defensesoap.com, I think. 0.99
01:31:24.000 The guy who owns the company is a guy.
01:31:27.000 His kids wrestle.
01:31:28.000 He's always been around wrestling.
01:31:30.000 He got tired of...
01:31:31.000 All these kids getting ringworm.
01:31:33.000 So he developed a soap that was a natural soap to combat ringworm.
01:31:36.000 Because a lot of people, they go and get antibacterial soaps.
01:31:39.000 And that antibacterial, it kills all the good bacteria, too.
01:31:42.000 Yeah, it makes it worse.
01:31:44.000 What you need to do is take probiotics.
01:31:46.000 What people don't know, it's one of the most important things, too, when cold season comes around, man. 1.00
01:31:50.000 Wash your fucking hands. 1.00
01:31:51.000 Wash your fucking hands, but take probiotics. 1.00
01:31:54.000 Take, like, acidophilus. 1.00
01:31:56.000 Oh, yeah.
01:31:56.000 Our kids are on there.
01:31:58.000 Yeah, and kombucha tea is a good one, too.
01:32:00.000 And the reason being is because these are aggressive, healthy bacteria.
01:32:03.000 And when you come in contact with shitty bacteria, your aggressive, healthy bacteria that you're getting from the acidophilus will actually fight it off.
01:32:11.000 Yeah.
01:32:12.000 And it keeps your body healthy and strong, strengthens your immune system. 1.00
01:32:15.000 Wash your fucking hands and take that shit, and we'll have... 1.00
01:32:18.000 Half the problems we have here. 1.00
01:32:19.000 I do.
01:32:19.000 I have the hand sanitizer thing like crazy nowadays.
01:32:22.000 Our friend Johnny Rotten was telling us a great story last night about soap. 0.99
01:32:26.000 This is a fucking amazing story. 0.97
01:32:28.000 Maybe we should wait until he gets here. 0.98
01:32:30.000 Well, I'm talking about it right now.
01:32:31.000 We'll have him come back on.
01:32:33.000 I don't know the full details anyway, but I can't just tease people like that.
01:32:36.000 Tune in next week when maybe we might have Johnny Rotten.
01:32:38.000 While we tease him with the Guam story.
01:32:40.000 Anyway, what happens is...
01:32:42.000 We'll go back to that.
01:32:42.000 Don't worry.
01:32:44.000 What this guy figured out was that there was soap in hotel rooms.
01:32:48.000 And he would go and he would wash once with it and he would put it back.
01:32:51.000 And he thought, what happens to that soap?
01:32:53.000 Do they throw it out?
01:32:54.000 So he contacted all these major chains of hotels and says, what do you do with your soap when someone uses it once and just tosses it out?
01:33:01.000 They go, well, we just throw them away.
01:33:03.000 And he said, well, you know that there's an incredible amount of people die of just diarrhea and children die in third world countries because they don't have soap to wash their hands with.
01:33:13.000 And they're just... 0.97
01:33:13.000 Diarrhea, dying of diarrhea and all that crap. 0.97
01:33:16.000 So this guy decides that he's going to organize this foundation to collect soap from these hospitals and they clean off the soap and then they redistribute it to all these poor places and they're saving people's lives left and right. 0.99
01:33:29.000 Amazing, amazing shit, man. 0.99
01:33:31.000 Amazing. 1.00
01:33:31.000 But that just shows you how close we are without soap. 1.00
01:33:34.000 Well, it just shows you how what's really going on is we're fighting off organisms all the time.
01:33:40.000 There's a constant battle for organisms.
01:33:42.000 Yeah, and you'd think that there'd be something that would, since there's six, seven billion people on Earth now, that there would be some microbe that, just like in everything nature, when the population gets out of control, there has to be something that calls the herd.
01:33:57.000 Well, there is.
01:33:58.000 We just keep killing them. 1.00
01:33:59.000 We keep finding vaccines for them. 0.99
01:34:01.000 We keep finding ways around it.
01:34:03.000 But without a doubt, that's what they're doing.
01:34:05.000 But like, you know, antibiotic-resistant tuberculosis.
01:34:09.000 Or MRSA. Staph infection.
01:34:11.000 That's a perfect one because it actually comes from hospitals.
01:34:14.000 I mean, people get it in hospitals.
01:34:15.000 And it also is one of those things where they suspect that a lot of what this stuff comes from is people taking their antibiotics but not finishing the full cycle.
01:34:24.000 So when you take antibiotics and you only take it for a couple of days and you go, I think I feel okay.
01:34:29.000 Well, you haven't killed off all that bacteria.
01:34:31.000 So the bacteria that lives is stronger because of it.
01:34:34.000 And it's constantly evolving.
01:34:35.000 And then it gets transmitted to someone else.
01:34:36.000 Because it's so small.
01:34:37.000 So by fighting things off, we're creating even stronger things. 1.00
01:34:41.000 And by our own stupidity and negligence in using... 1.00
01:34:45.000 Yeah, and not just giving a shit. 1.00
01:34:47.000 Yeah, you gotta take probiotics, people. 0.99
01:34:49.000 If you learn anything from this show, it's that.
01:34:51.000 And that Ralphie May got arrested in Guam.
01:34:54.000 So, Ralphie.
01:34:55.000 Do you get strep throat a lot?
01:34:59.000 That's funny, though.
01:35:03.000 I'm not even answering you.
01:35:04.000 All right, so meanwhile, back an hour ago.
01:35:08.000 Back in Guam.
01:35:08.000 Okay, Marianas Trench, deepest trench in the world.
01:35:11.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:35:11.000 You had this bag in that you just...
01:35:13.000 No, no, let him go.
01:35:14.000 I had a backpack.
01:35:15.000 Right.
01:35:16.000 And at the bottom of it, I had 14 grams and a smelly-proof bag.
01:35:20.000 Jesus Christ, 14 grams, that's almost a pound.
01:35:23.000 No, 14 grams is half an ounce.
01:35:24.000 Half an ounce.
01:35:26.000 I've got ounces instead of grams.
01:35:30.000 Okay, so 14 grams is almost an ounce.
01:35:32.000 Why do you have that much weed?
01:35:32.000 No, no, no.
01:35:33.000 It's half an ounce.
01:35:34.000 What is half an ounce?
01:35:35.000 14 grams.
01:35:36.000 14 grams.
01:35:36.000 So why do you have that much weed?
01:35:38.000 I thought I took it all out.
01:35:40.000 I took out three and a half ounces. 0.99
01:35:42.000 You know what's annoying about grams and shit? 1.00
01:35:46.000 Grams are metric. 0.99
01:35:47.000 Yeah.
01:35:48.000 Okay, but ounces are not.
01:35:50.000 Ounces are the standard.
01:35:52.000 That's what we use. 1.00
01:35:53.000 So we have all this shit mixed up. 0.99
01:35:55.000 Like grams are mixed up with ounces. 1.00
01:35:56.000 If you do a joke about grams, the only people who get it are drug addicts.
01:36:01.000 People who know drugs.
01:36:03.000 We're serial lovers. 0.99
01:36:04.000 I always get them fucking confused. 0.99
01:36:06.000 Teddy grams. 0.98
01:36:06.000 It's weird that they're from a different system. 0.98
01:36:09.000 That when we get low, we use grams.
01:36:10.000 But when someone talks to me about centimeters, I have to go, okay, what?
01:36:13.000 Who's that?
01:36:14.000 I think it's like 1.34.
01:36:16.000 I'm always dealing with kilograms, too, because of fights.
01:36:18.000 2.2 pounds.
01:36:18.000 When we do fights in Europe, the weirdest one is in England.
01:36:21.000 They have stone.
01:36:22.000 Stones, right?
01:36:23.000 Yeah, which is, I believe it's somewhere around 13 pounds.
01:36:26.000 Stone.
01:36:26.000 He'll say he's 10 stone.
01:36:28.000 That means you're like 130 pounds.
01:36:30.000 Wow.
01:36:30.000 How weird is that?
01:36:31.000 Crazy.
01:36:32.000 Yeah, what does that mean? 1.00
01:36:34.000 They got a lot of leftover shit. 0.99
01:36:36.000 Yeah, like horses with hands and stuff like that. 1.00
01:36:39.000 What?
01:36:39.000 Horses with hands.
01:36:42.000 Horses with hands?
01:36:43.000 Yeah, they measure a horse's height by its hands.
01:36:47.000 I mean, they call it hands.
01:36:49.000 Oh, a person's hand?
01:36:50.000 How many hands do you stack for a person?
01:36:53.000 Yeah, I think it's like 8.4 inches is one hand.
01:36:56.000 Oh, wow.
01:36:57.000 Really?
01:36:58.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:36:59.000 So like a horse stands like 12 hands. 1.00
01:37:01.000 Big fucking horse. 1.00
01:37:02.000 How strange is the whole fucking measuring system being different everywhere? 1.00
01:37:06.000 You know? 0.99
01:37:07.000 Inches and kilometers and miles.
01:37:08.000 That's what they try to do with the metric.
01:37:10.000 They tried. 1.00
01:37:11.000 We were all supposed to convert, and Megan just said, fuck it. 0.99
01:37:14.000 Isn't that weird that we didn't do that? 1.00
01:37:15.000 How dumb are we? 0.98
01:37:16.000 We wanted to make sure that people figured it out. 0.99
01:37:20.000 So we said, you know what?
01:37:21.000 It's too complicated.
01:37:22.000 Not enough people are going to figure it out. 1.00
01:37:23.000 Fuck it. 1.00
01:37:24.000 All it is is just a new system based on 10. If you learn inches, fucking for sure you can learn kilometers. 1.00
01:37:29.000 It's all going away very soon. 1.00
01:37:31.000 Going away?
01:37:31.000 All the different things like the grams, the ounces, the language barriers.
01:37:37.000 everything's fucking going away in like five years, even maybe 10 years when it gets so good that voice activation, like being able to like have something on your person. 0.84
01:37:45.000 So if a person's talking Japanese, it's automatically just going to translate it for you into English. 0.95
01:37:50.000 If somebody is telling you 12 feet instead of 12 ounces or whatever, it's going to convert it for you.
01:37:54.000 See, the problem is when you translate languages, like say if you translate Japanese into English, you're going to have to also...
01:38:00.000 if you're going to translate it into English and have it direct, it's going to come out real funky.
01:38:05.000 Because the way they talk and communicate is almost alien.
01:38:08.000 So there's a lot of creative license involved in structuring sentences that are going to make sense.
01:38:13.000 But that's easy compared to most technology, you know? 0.99
01:38:15.000 I mean, look at the shit already. 0.99
01:38:17.000 I mean, you're fucking calling up Macy's and it's like, say one, you know, say two. 1.00
01:38:22.000 And that's just like generic shit. 1.00
01:38:24.000 That is pretty dope. 0.99
01:38:25.000 I love the car thing.
01:38:27.000 I love being able to tell my car, call Brian.
01:38:29.000 And it just calls you.
01:38:31.000 That's insane, man.
01:38:32.000 That is so dope.
01:38:34.000 Yeah, everybody's iPhones can do that.
01:38:37.000 It's amazing.
01:38:39.000 That freaks me out.
01:38:42.000 Dustin has one of those Droid X's, and he sent a text by talking to it.
01:38:50.000 He talked to it, and he made something like, I'm here with Joe Rogan, and he says, I love you.
01:38:56.000 Uh-huh.
01:38:57.000 And I look at it and it says, I'm here with Joe Logan.
01:38:59.000 That was the only thing that was wrong.
01:39:00.000 It picked up Logan instead of Rogan.
01:39:02.000 Was he like, hey, my battery's about to die on my droid.
01:39:06.000 Call me, call my friends.
01:39:07.000 Oh, never mind.
01:39:08.000 I don't know.
01:39:09.000 That was a tech joke. 0.75
01:39:10.000 Those phones suck battery life. 1.00
01:39:12.000 They suck battery. 1.00
01:39:13.000 Yeah, but you can always keep an extra battery. 0.99
01:39:15.000 The thing about iPhones that suck is when they die, like yours did last night, hi, they just die.
01:39:20.000 I hate that. 0.89
01:39:20.000 And they die, and it takes 10 minutes to turn back on. 0.89
01:39:23.000 So you're sitting there like a dumbass going, what the fuck? 1.00
01:39:25.000 It's like that last dollar of gas when you prepay. 1.00
01:39:28.000 You're sitting there going, why is this going so slow?
01:39:29.000 There's no reason for this.
01:39:31.000 They want you to click.
01:39:32.000 Yeah, is that what it is? 1.00
01:39:33.000 Come on, bitch. 1.00
01:39:34.000 Have you ever done that? 1.00
01:39:34.000 I've never done that before. 1.00
01:39:36.000 Yeah, I've never walked away.
01:39:37.000 I want to start doing that.
01:39:38.000 You want to walk away?
01:39:39.000 You can keep your dollar. 1.00
01:39:40.000 My fucking time here holding your handle is worth more than a dollar to me. 1.00
01:39:43.000 That's like toilet bowl technology. 0.99
01:39:45.000 That should be fixed by now.
01:39:46.000 There should be no extra two minutes of waiting for the last dollar of gas when you pre-play it. 0.96
01:39:50.000 Come on, that's fucking annoying. 0.63
01:39:51.000 Do they have one of those with the new iPhone? 0.98
01:39:54.000 Remember how they used to be able to buy the extra large charger?
01:39:58.000 It was gigantic.
01:39:59.000 And it was not a charger, rather a battery, and it was on the back of it.
01:40:03.000 It acted as a case, but also acted as a battery.
01:40:05.000 Do they have that for the new phone?
01:40:07.000 Not yet.
01:40:08.000 The new iPhone?
01:40:09.000 Yeah, the iPhone 4. Oh yeah, absolutely.
01:40:11.000 They have one of those new big ones?
01:40:12.000 Yeah, I couldn't find one.
01:40:13.000 Absolutely, yeah, Amazon.com.
01:40:15.000 Is it just as cumbersome and large?
01:40:17.000 It's pretty big.
01:40:18.000 There's a few different ones now.
01:40:19.000 But the new iPhone has like 40% more battery life, so does this one have double that?
01:40:24.000 It charges a lot faster.
01:40:25.000 Yeah?
01:40:26.000 A lot faster.
01:40:27.000 The ones that...
01:40:29.000 I forget the name of the company that makes it, but they double your battery life.
01:40:33.000 Malfi.
01:40:35.000 Malfi?
01:40:36.000 I don't know.
01:40:36.000 Like Malfi May.
01:40:38.000 I know.
01:40:38.000 Yeah.
01:40:38.000 Power and batteries, man.
01:40:40.000 That is a big, major holdup.
01:40:42.000 You know, like these electric cars they're trying to put together...
01:40:44.000 That's all well and good, man.
01:40:46.000 But when you're going 150 miles, that's it.
01:40:49.000 The best you can do is 150 miles.
01:40:51.000 And that's if you drive cool.
01:40:53.000 If you don't freak.
01:40:54.000 They took one of those Teslas.
01:40:56.000 They have those electric sports cars. 0.99
01:40:58.000 And they beat the fucking shit out of this thing around a track. 0.99
01:41:01.000 But it was cooked in, like, a couple of miles, man. 1.00
01:41:04.000 A couple of miles, that bitch was done. 1.00
01:41:06.000 You know, they did it, like, for maybe 20 miles or something. 1.00
01:41:08.000 They ran this track a few times, a few laps, and it was just cooked.
01:41:13.000 It's out of juice.
01:41:14.000 It was done.
01:41:14.000 Yeah, they tested it against a bunch of other cars, like the Boxster and all these different sports cars, or different, like, little, you know, sporty little sort of convertible-type cars.
01:41:23.000 It's not there yet.
01:41:24.000 You know, the technology's not quite there yet. 0.65
01:41:25.000 And the weight is ridiculous.
01:41:27.000 So you've got all this weight behind the car.
01:41:29.000 You know, there's no real engine in the front. 0.96
01:41:31.000 It's not like a big fucking V8 that balances out all these batteries in the back. 0.97
01:41:35.000 No. 0.98
01:41:36.000 It's like this weird little electric engine in the front. 0.80
01:41:38.000 And in the back, you've got this fucking giant bricks and bricks of these lithium-ion batteries. 0.69
01:41:43.000 And it's super heavy. 0.99
01:41:44.000 And they're going to die.
01:41:46.000 Yeah.
01:41:46.000 They're not going to last.
01:41:47.000 They're going to die off.
01:41:48.000 You know?
01:41:48.000 It's not simple.
01:41:49.000 Like, you just change the spark plugs.
01:41:51.000 No, you've got to get new batteries.
01:41:52.000 You've got all new batteries. 0.97
01:41:53.000 Your batteries suck now. 0.98
01:41:56.000 It's weird, man. 0.99
01:41:57.000 It's like that technology, that area of technology, it seems to be there's a little bit of a hump there.
01:42:02.000 It's going to turn into wireless electricity.
01:42:05.000 I think that has to be, because I don't know, man. 0.98
01:42:07.000 You know, Tesla had a fucking thing for that. 1.00
01:42:10.000 Yeah, Westinghouse. 0.99
01:42:12.000 When they found out what he was doing, they closed him down. 0.99
01:42:14.000 Yeah, they shut him the fuck down. 0.99
01:42:15.000 Crazy guy wanted to give away free electricity. 0.99
01:42:17.000 To the whole world. 0.89
01:42:18.000 He wanted to radiate the ionosphere.
01:42:20.000 That's probably what's next, though, for electricity.
01:42:23.000 What if HAARP is based on Tesla's technology?
01:42:26.000 All technology is based on Tesla.
01:42:29.000 Really?
01:42:30.000 All modern technology.
01:42:31.000 Except flashlight technology.
01:42:32.000 Right, but directly.
01:42:33.000 Did Tesla have something to do with it? 0.54
01:42:35.000 I would assume so.
01:42:37.000 I bet we can find out.
01:42:39.000 I bet so.
01:42:40.000 It took him 30 years after his death to finally get the credit for inventing the radio.
01:42:45.000 Descended from Tesla's work.
01:42:46.000 Wow.
01:42:47.000 Dude, it took 30 years after his death to get credit for inventing radio.
01:42:53.000 Yeah.
01:42:53.000 Everybody gives it to Marconi.
01:42:56.000 Yeah, still, when you hear about it, you hear Marconi.
01:42:58.000 Yeah, and he didn't do it. 0.99
01:42:59.000 He even had like a hundred different fucking things. 0.98
01:43:02.000 What? 0.99
01:43:03.000 Dude, he was constantly inventing.
01:43:05.000 But they said he was like autistic.
01:43:09.000 He would be diagnosed today.
01:43:11.000 Oh, yeah.
01:43:12.000 Well, you know, I've talked about that with a friend of mine that I have that has autistic children or an autistic kid.
01:43:19.000 And he's like, the aptitude that these kids have for learning things and for holding information and for dispensing it and spitting it back out, it's shocking.
01:43:29.000 It almost makes you think, I wonder if this is some weird...
01:43:35.000 obviously a disease these kids are obviously impaired when it comes to being able to communicate emotionally and being able to reach out and don't you think nature constantly when it goes to evolve in anything any form over the history of the of of the earth through evolution that it's made a lot of fuck-ups tell the one thing hit and then boom that's the next level well that's the idea is that we have mutations and that from those mutations the ones that are useful are kept and Yeah.
01:44:01.000 Natural selection dictates that we move in that direction now.
01:44:05.000 Right.
01:44:05.000 That's what all of the evolution of mankind or any animal is supposed to be from.
01:44:09.000 That's one of the theories.
01:44:10.000 There's a few theories.
01:44:11.000 But the idea that these kids that are super genius kids, like what they're having is just like a blip or just a glimpse as to the potential of what human beings can do.
01:44:22.000 There's this one kid, man.
01:44:23.000 I don't know what we talked about on the podcast.
01:44:25.000 I think we might have.
01:44:26.000 He flew over Europe and looked out his window at Germany from his airplane and then drew it when he got home.
01:44:34.000 Drew it in absolute perfect detail.
01:44:36.000 Every city, every block, every house, every window, all in the perfect place, perfect perspective, perfect size. 0.95
01:44:44.000 It's fucking incredible. 0.98
01:44:45.000 This is a human being. 0.99
01:44:48.000 This is a human being that can do something that I can't do and you can't do, but he has a hard time with a lot of other aspects of life.
01:44:54.000 I wonder if this is some overpowering blip of the new future.
01:44:59.000 You know, there's overpowering.
01:45:00.000 I hope so.
01:45:01.000 Just like one little thing.
01:45:02.000 Like, maybe he doesn't have the whole package. 0.96
01:45:03.000 He doesn't have the whole super fucking Dr. Manhattan package. 0.90
01:45:07.000 Yeah, but he's close. 0.96
01:45:08.000 That one gets with another one.
01:45:10.000 Then that offspring.
01:45:11.000 What's that going to be?
01:45:12.000 That's definitely Wapner guy, though.
01:45:14.000 You know, that's that same thing.
01:45:15.000 You know, like the movie Rain Man.
01:45:17.000 Whatever that disease is that guy has.
01:45:18.000 Yeah, it is the same thing.
01:45:19.000 Autism.
01:45:20.000 So, maybe anyone that's special needs is the future of what we...
01:45:25.000 No, it's not special needs, because a lot of that is just a mistake that, you know, in the dog-eat-dog world of nature, we would not allow to survive, you know?
01:45:32.000 If we were living thousands of years ago, and you had kids that were, like, heavily deformed, they didn't live, you know? 1.00
01:45:37.000 That's just what happened.
01:45:38.000 Yeah, they'd get eaten.
01:45:39.000 Yeah, I mean, so, but it's like, but it all is mutation, you know?
01:45:43.000 Isn't it crazy? 0.97
01:45:44.000 Mutation sometimes, I mean, the idea is that, I mean, isn't it like the idea that a lot of mutation comes from radiation, comes from, like, just fucking shit in space and the sun? 0.99
01:45:52.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:45:53.000 Supposedly.
01:45:53.000 There's triggers.
01:45:54.000 Sometimes these mutations lead to evolution.
01:45:57.000 Yeah, to better survivability.
01:45:59.000 Yeah, man.
01:45:59.000 It could very well be that what we're seeing...
01:46:01.000 I mean, could you imagine if you were a regular person who had, you know, regular social skills and totally normal and irregular insecurities, but for whatever reason, you were capable of looking at Berlin out the window of an airplane and then just drawing it in extreme detail, like, into a point where people are shocked, like, you've got some magic power of retention.
01:46:21.000 That's a great website.
01:46:21.000 But that'd be amazing.
01:46:23.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
01:46:24.000 That's a photographic memory beyond comprehension. 1.00
01:46:26.000 Yeah, but it's always someone who's fucked up. 0.98
01:46:29.000 It's almost like you only get so much horsepower, you know? 0.99
01:46:32.000 Right.
01:46:33.000 And your brain has so much horsepower.
01:46:34.000 How much do you want to dedicate to this?
01:46:36.000 How much are you going to dedicate to art?
01:46:38.000 How much are you going to dedicate to thinking?
01:46:40.000 Well, yeah, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci.
01:46:42.000 I wonder what those dudes are like.
01:46:43.000 They were supposedly autistic, according to, you know, because they were in written history, you know? 0.91
01:46:49.000 I bet they're pimps.
01:46:49.000 You think that Michelangelo and Da Vinci are both autistic?
01:46:52.000 Why do you think that?
01:46:53.000 They say they're a higher-functioning autistic, is what they would be described as.
01:46:56.000 Really?
01:46:57.000 But how do they know that?
01:46:58.000 They don't have any recordings of them communicating.
01:47:01.000 They have diaries, they have letters, they have communications, the writings, Leonardo da Vinci's writings. 1.00
01:47:05.000 Imagine if they found your shit, and they just looked at it and go, he's retarded, he's retarded. 1.00
01:47:10.000 Oh, without a doubt. 1.00
01:47:10.000 Ralphie May was retarded, we found his writing. 1.00
01:47:12.000 They saw my notebook, they would be fucking, he's retarded. 1.00
01:47:13.000 We saw his comedy, and we knew he was a talented performer, but we always wondered, what was it? 1.00
01:47:19.000 Oh, well, we read his writing, we realized he was retarded. 1.00
01:47:21.000 Oh yeah, there you go. 1.00
01:47:22.000 People just judge you and shit based on shit they find hundreds of years from now. 1.00
01:47:26.000 They can't do that. 1.00
01:47:27.000 You can't tell me that Leonardo da Vinci had autism.
01:47:30.000 That's what they're gonna do. 0.97
01:47:31.000 We call Chaucer a genius, but there was some other guy who was a dirty guy.
01:47:36.000 I mean, Chaucer's dirtiest thing was the Miller's Tale.
01:47:39.000 Who are you talking about?
01:47:39.000 Jeffrey Chaucer.
01:47:40.000 Who's that?
01:47:41.000 What is this?
01:47:41.000 He was the first novelist.
01:47:43.000 The first novelist ever?
01:47:44.000 Well, he didn't write the first novel.
01:47:46.000 The first novel was Beowulf, but the first novel of substance that was printed with the printing press was Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales.
01:47:56.000 Oh, yeah? 0.99
01:47:57.000 And one of them was called The Miller's Tale, and he uses a past tense of shit. 0.98
01:48:00.000 And this is in the 1500s. 0.98
01:48:02.000 You mean like Shat? 0.83
01:48:03.000 Yeah.
01:48:04.000 Powerful.
01:48:05.000 Yeah, it was great. 0.99
01:48:09.000 He's giving credit with creating the word fuck. 0.99
01:48:11.000 How great a word is that? 0.99
01:48:13.000 And writing it down and using it. 0.86
01:48:14.000 But I thought that was supposed to be for fornication and the consent of the king. 0.74
01:48:18.000 That's what it was originally for.
01:48:20.000 Or for unlawful carnal knowledge.
01:48:21.000 One of the two.
01:48:22.000 There's a lot of debate about that, but he used it in print. 1.00
01:48:25.000 Like fuck you? 1.00
01:48:26.000 Like, yeah. 1.00
01:48:27.000 Like, go fuck yourself. 1.00
01:48:29.000 Really? 1.00
01:48:29.000 Or let's fuck. 1.00
01:48:30.000 Wow. 1.00
01:48:31.000 Yeah.
01:48:31.000 Powerful.
01:48:32.000 But there was somebody else. 1.00
01:48:33.000 I mean, you think he's the only writer in all of England that ever wrote a dirty shit? 0.99
01:48:38.000 You know, it just never got published, you know? 0.99
01:48:40.000 Like, you know, if we just judged comedy by Seinfeld, okay, what we do, you and I, would not even consider comedy.
01:48:48.000 We'd be ranting lunatics.
01:48:49.000 You know what I mean?
01:48:50.000 In comparison with joke, set up, punch, you know, no opinion, observational comedy.
01:48:56.000 You know what I mean?
01:48:56.000 It's like he was the most popular, therefore he's known as that time's greatest guy.
01:49:02.000 There's nothing that shows the evolution of culture more than stand-up comedy.
01:49:06.000 In my opinion.
01:49:07.000 It's real weird when you go back and listen to Lenny Bruce's stuff.
01:49:11.000 Yeah.
01:49:12.000 Go back and listen to this stuff that got him arrested in the 1950s and 1960s. 0.99
01:49:17.000 And it's less than a potluck at the fucking comedy store. 0.98
01:49:19.000 You can get it on NBC. You get on Mass Comic Standing with all of his shit. 1.00
01:49:22.000 Yeah, right? 1.00
01:49:23.000 Yeah.
01:49:23.000 I mean, it's barely offensive.
01:49:25.000 It's so strange. 0.99
01:49:26.000 But he had some good shit, though, even back then. 0.99
01:49:29.000 Yeah, he had some good perspectives on the Catholic Church and stuff like that. 0.99
01:49:32.000 How about on...
01:49:33.000 He had a bunch of different things, man.
01:49:36.000 How about my favorite one was he did on homosexuality being illegal. 0.89
01:49:39.000 He goes, dig this, man.
01:49:41.000 Homosexuality is illegal. 1.00
01:49:42.000 So if you're gay, they arrest you. 0.82
01:49:45.000 And what do they do? 1.00
01:49:45.000 They put you in jail with a bunch of guys who want to have sex with you. 1.00
01:49:48.000 Yeah, it didn't make sense. 0.57
01:49:50.000 It doesn't make sense.
01:49:52.000 This is a joke that he did in the 50s.
01:49:54.000 And I saw a comic who I know is not a joke thief.
01:49:57.000 But he tried to re-say it in, like, the 90s.
01:50:01.000 And I had to say, you know, that's like a Lenny Bruce joke from, like, 1950-something. 1.00
01:50:06.000 And he was like, shit! 0.99
01:50:08.000 Of course somebody already thought that up. 1.00
01:50:10.000 Yeah, of course.
01:50:10.000 Of course.
01:50:12.000 That's what's shitty about it all, you know, is that there's so many that's come before us.
01:50:19.000 No, that's great, though. 0.59
01:50:20.000 That's great.
01:50:21.000 There's always still things to talk about. 0.99
01:50:22.000 If it wasn't for them, we would suck. 0.99
01:50:24.000 Of course. 1.00
01:50:24.000 Without a doubt. 1.00
01:50:25.000 You know, people need to slowly learn how to take a joke over the course of 50 or 60 years.
01:50:31.000 Right. 0.99
01:50:31.000 The kind of shit that you can talk or I can talk on stage now, you couldn't do that back then. 0.99
01:50:36.000 No way, man. 1.00
01:50:37.000 Thank God that they did that because they broke a lot of boundaries, man.
01:50:40.000 Richard Pryor got a lot of people used to people saying... 1.00
01:50:43.000 Pussy and motherfucker. 1.00
01:50:45.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:50:46.000 He got people used to that shit. 1.00
01:50:48.000 You know, Lenny Bruce got people used to questioning things, questioning the use of words, questioning, you know, all sorts of aspects of our culture. 1.00
01:50:54.000 They got people to take a joke.
01:50:56.000 They got people to, like, kind of lighten up and understand this.
01:50:58.000 Yeah, just relax.
01:51:00.000 Everybody's so worked up over now, you know, like, the use of derogatory slang as far as Names go.
01:51:09.000 It's just all worked up.
01:51:11.000 Your outrage is a learned thing.
01:51:15.000 If you didn't learn that the N-word was something that's supposed to be offensive, it would just be another two-syllable word.
01:51:23.000 By calling it the N-word, you just embolden that word and keep it in our vernacular. 0.88
01:51:27.000 If you used a word like groovy or far out, why do these words and phrases leave our vernacular and become uncool?
01:51:37.000 Groovy's still awesome.
01:51:38.000 It's still good, yeah.
01:51:39.000 I'm still down with Groovy.
01:51:41.000 And if I'm stoned and I see something, I'll say Far Out.
01:51:44.000 Right, right.
01:51:45.000 But not many people say it.
01:51:46.000 Far Out, man.
01:51:47.000 I haven't used Far Out in a long time.
01:51:48.000 Yeah, isn't it crazy though?
01:51:49.000 I'm using that from now on. 1.00
01:51:50.000 Far Out's back, bitches. 1.00
01:51:52.000 It's coming back like the fanny pack. 1.00
01:51:54.000 Boom! 0.99
01:51:56.000 You're bringing back the fanny pack. 1.00
01:51:58.000 I don't give a fuck, dude. 1.00
01:51:59.000 I rock a fanny pack every time I travel. 0.99
01:52:01.000 And people look at me like they thought I was kidding.
01:52:04.000 I thought you were joking.
01:52:05.000 If they heard me say it.
01:52:06.000 You love a fanny pack?
01:52:07.000 I love a fanny pack.
01:52:07.000 I got a backpack.
01:52:09.000 Backpacks are good too, but I like a fanny pack.
01:52:11.000 That's why I had the week. 1.00
01:52:12.000 You got your fucking wallet and all your keys and your bullshit. 1.00
01:52:16.000 Just take it off, go through, put it back on. 1.00
01:52:18.000 It's much faster.
01:52:19.000 If you're not trying to get laid, man, it's the way to go.
01:52:22.000 Right.
01:52:22.000 You know, I took care of that a long time ago.
01:52:24.000 Uh-huh.
01:52:25.000 Hollaback.
01:52:26.000 It's funny how things come and go in style. 1.00
01:52:28.000 At one point in time, a leather fanny pack was the fucking rage. 0.99
01:52:31.000 Yeah, with my dad. 1.00
01:52:33.000 With your dad?
01:52:34.000 Did your dad have the neon green and pink one?
01:52:36.000 Yeah, he had the neon green one.
01:52:38.000 For breast cancer, I had that one.
01:52:40.000 Hey, Mirko Krokop rocks one, as do his whole team.
01:52:43.000 A lot of guys in MMA rock them. 1.00
01:52:45.000 Don't fuck around. 1.00
01:52:46.000 Tim Crater rocks one. 1.00
01:52:47.000 Man, I ain't saying anything.
01:52:48.000 Forrest Griffin rocks one.
01:52:49.000 Dude, that guy put me in a choke.
01:52:51.000 Did he?
01:52:52.000 Yeah, at the Palms that time that we were hanging out.
01:52:54.000 Forrest Griffin did?
01:52:55.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:52:56.000 And he didn't, like, hammer down on it.
01:52:57.000 He just enough to get...
01:52:59.000 Get your attention.
01:53:00.000 Okay, like that.
01:53:01.000 Why did he do that?
01:53:01.000 Did you ask him to?
01:53:02.000 No, he just walked up behind me and that was his way of saying, I love your comedy.
01:53:06.000 Really?
01:53:06.000 Yeah, not a hello, not a what's up.
01:53:09.000 I have to interview him on Friday.
01:53:11.000 I'm going to confront him with this information.
01:53:13.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:53:14.000 And he put me in a choke right there.
01:53:16.000 And I felt like, yeah, I could go out right now.
01:53:20.000 I mean, it was like that.
01:53:21.000 I've never been knocked out like that.
01:53:24.000 You ever been choked unconscious?
01:53:25.000 No.
01:53:26.000 No.
01:53:26.000 It's not fun.
01:53:27.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:53:28.000 That was the first time that I'd ever even come close.
01:53:31.000 You know? 0.99
01:53:32.000 I don't get into shit like that, you know? 0.99
01:53:34.000 I'm funny. 1.00
01:53:35.000 You ever had a chick want to tie a tie around your neck while you fuck her? 1.00
01:53:38.000 Fuck no! 1.00
01:53:39.000 No! 1.00
01:53:39.000 What's wrong with pussy? 1.00
01:53:40.000 Why has everybody got an augmented pussy and accelerated? 1.00
01:53:44.000 She wants you to fuck her while she's holding your tie and squeezing it tight. 1.00
01:53:47.000 No, I've never gotten it like that. 1.00
01:53:49.000 That's great.
01:53:49.000 That sounds awesome.
01:53:51.000 I had a chick ask if she could time me up. 1.00
01:53:53.000 I was like, bitch, are you crazy? 1.00
01:53:55.000 Yeah, no shit. 1.00
01:53:56.000 You lost your fucking mind. 1.00
01:53:58.000 I've never allowed that much control of somebody else. 1.00
01:54:00.000 This was many, many, many years ago when I had terrible judgment.
01:54:03.000 When all I cared about was if they were hot.
01:54:06.000 If she was hot and I figured I could get her, I'm like, wow. 1.00
01:54:09.000 When I was 22, I was an idiot. 1.00
01:54:11.000 And this one chick that I dated was just fucking completely bananas. 1.00
01:54:15.000 Those Boston Brots? 1.00
01:54:17.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:54:18.000 She used to get mad at me, and she would get mad, she would pick up a knife. 1.00
01:54:21.000 I'm not bullshitting.
01:54:22.000 I'm not bullshitting.
01:54:22.000 She wouldn't do anything with it, but she would pick up a knife and hold it in her hand when she would get mad.
01:54:26.000 I'm like, bitch, you better put the fucking weapon down, because this is getting crazy right now. 1.00
01:54:30.000 See, I think that you're at a different level, dude. 1.00
01:54:33.000 I think that you attract those type of rods, okay?
01:54:36.000 You know what I mean? 1.00
01:54:37.000 Like, I never met a chick like that, would pull a knife on you and shit like that. 1.00
01:54:40.000 She didn't pull the knife. 1.00
01:54:41.000 She didn't pull it.
01:54:42.000 She was going to use it.
01:54:42.000 She would just hold it.
01:54:43.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
01:54:45.000 I mean, that's a different level, dude. 0.98
01:54:47.000 She was hot as fuck, though, dude. 1.00
01:54:49.000 I mean, she could fuck crazy, right? 1.00
01:54:51.000 Oh, this bitch, yeah. 1.00
01:54:52.000 She was crazy. 1.00
01:54:53.000 She's beyond crazy. 1.00
01:54:54.000 That's what I'm talking about. 0.93
01:54:55.000 And where do they go? 1.00
01:54:56.000 They become mothers, and they're fucking in minivans. 1.00
01:55:00.000 I don't know. 0.99
01:55:01.000 I have no idea where this one...
01:55:02.000 This is one I would probably like to see her Facebook page. 0.99
01:55:05.000 Find out what the fuck... 0.99
01:55:06.000 I don't remember her name, though. 1.00
01:55:07.000 I remember her first name.
01:55:08.000 I don't remember her last name. 0.98
01:55:09.000 Isn't it crazy to think of all the fucking women you've been with, like how your life intersected with their life and where they're at now? 0.99
01:55:15.000 There's a bunch. 0.99
01:55:16.000 I'd like to go back.
01:55:17.000 But the thing is, you don't because that's what you learn from.
01:55:21.000 And they learn from you and you learn from them and they're not who they were back then and neither are you who you were. 0.96
01:55:25.000 You weren't no goddamn picnic either. 0.92
01:55:27.000 I was no picnic when I was 22. I was fucking crazy. 1.00
01:55:30.000 I was completely insane when I was 22. That's when you were knocking people out on the street. 1.00
01:55:35.000 I was still fighting. 0.93
01:55:35.000 I think everyone is insane when they're 22. I just thought I was dumb. 0.93
01:55:42.000 Every single one of those people are fucking insanely crazy. 1.00
01:55:45.000 Sure. 1.00
01:55:45.000 A lot of people are dumb and crazy and they haven't got a handle on themselves yet. 1.00
01:55:49.000 But I was exceptionally fucked up. 1.00
01:55:51.000 Because I was still fighting. 0.99
01:55:52.000 I was still competing.
01:55:53.000 I was kickboxing and I was doing Taekwondo tournaments. 0.76
01:55:56.000 At the time, I did not know what the fuck I was doing with my life, and it was all spent on just trying to figure out... 0.99
01:56:01.000 Martial arts competition had been my whole past, and then I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my future, and then I started getting into comedy, and that's when I met this crazy bitch with the knife. 1.00
01:56:09.000 The knife. 0.98
01:56:11.000 What was it like coming up in Boston with Dennis Leary being around every corner and hearing about Bill Hicks and that stuff?
01:56:19.000 Well, I was a huge Dennis Leary fan first.
01:56:21.000 Oh, really?
01:56:22.000 I was a huge Dennis Leary fan, man.
01:56:23.000 I came to see Dennis Leary once.
01:56:25.000 I paid to see Dom Herrera.
01:56:26.000 And Dom missed his flight.
01:56:28.000 Something happened or they rescheduled or whatever.
01:56:31.000 So, and Dennis Leary was the headliner.
01:56:34.000 I was like, who's this guy?
01:56:34.000 Where's Tom Herrera?
01:56:35.000 Shit. 1.00
01:56:35.000 I was like bummed out. 1.00
01:56:36.000 But Leary went up and just lit that fucking place on fire, dude. 1.00
01:56:41.000 He destroyed. 1.00
01:56:42.000 I heard he was a beast.
01:56:43.000 And I remember thinking, whoa, like, who's this guy?
01:56:45.000 I never even saw this guy before.
01:56:46.000 And I was like...
01:56:48.000 I think I'd maybe gone on stage once.
01:56:50.000 I was like a total raw open miker.
01:56:53.000 I was paying to see this local show on a date.
01:56:56.000 And I remember I told all my friends.
01:56:57.000 I brought my roommates who went to see Dennis Leary at Nick's Comedy Stop. 0.99
01:57:02.000 They were like, holy shit, this guy's killer. 0.99
01:57:03.000 It's awesome. 0.99
01:57:04.000 And then it was like maybe a month or two later, Hicks came into town.
01:57:09.000 And everybody was like, oh, you've got to see this guy like Paul Barkley, who's one of the owners of the comedy club.
01:57:13.000 He's a real comedy connoisseur.
01:57:15.000 Really love good comedy.
01:57:16.000 Like, oh, this guy's got great writing.
01:57:17.000 You gotta see this guy when he's in town.
01:57:19.000 So I take his advice, and I go to see him, and I see great writing, but I've heard these premises before, and I've heard the bits before.
01:57:26.000 I've heard a couple of them.
01:57:27.000 Yeah. 0.97
01:57:28.000 And, like, there was, like, I'm like, holy shit, this guy's, like, doing the same stuff that Leary was doing. 0.72
01:57:32.000 Like, the same premises about, like, Jim Fix dying of a heart attack while he's jogging. 0.97
01:57:37.000 There's, like, a few of them.
01:57:39.000 They were, like...
01:57:39.000 I don't remember if that was the specific one.
01:57:41.000 There was a few of them.
01:57:42.000 They were really the same jokes and the same bits. 0.99
01:57:45.000 So I asked the local comics, I go, what the fuck is up? 0.99
01:57:48.000 And their response was Leary Steeles. 0.99
01:57:51.000 They're like, really? 0.99
01:57:52.000 Leary just fucking steals. 1.00
01:57:53.000 He's a thief. 1.00
01:57:54.000 I was like, wow. 1.00
01:57:55.000 So he's stealing from this guy? 0.99
01:57:56.000 So this guy was like this really weird, introspective, really intelligent guy who really was looking deep into shit and taking mushrooms and going on peyote trips and trying to find himself. 0.97
01:58:09.000 And then I guess some people were just feeding off of it, you know? 0.97
01:58:12.000 I know in Houston, he let me open for him once at the laugh stop.
01:58:16.000 Hickstead?
01:58:17.000 Yeah.
01:58:17.000 Really?
01:58:17.000 Because I've been doing stand-up comedy.
01:58:19.000 What year was this?
01:58:20.000 91?
01:58:21.000 90?
01:58:22.000 91?
01:58:22.000 Wow.
01:58:23.000 And that's like...
01:58:23.000 And I was 18. He died in like, what, 93?
01:58:26.000 Was it 94?
01:58:27.000 I think 96. Oh, I thought it was 93. Was it 96?
01:58:29.000 I don't know.
01:58:30.000 Sam died in 92. That made me cry this morning.
01:58:33.000 I remember that, man.
01:58:34.000 That made me cry.
01:58:36.000 When Powered Stern talks about him in such a way, I have a connection with a couple of radio guys like that, where he talks about we'd had Sam over.
01:58:44.000 We knew he was out of control.
01:58:46.000 We knew that he was fucking crazy and he was out of control and we knew he was going to die, but he was on the road and we wanted to give him a home-cooked meal, so we brought him home from radio and I have a friend of mine You think about mortality? 0.95
01:59:13.000 I think about it more and more since of my children, and that's why I'm losing weight slowly, and it plateaus unless I exercise, and if I don't feel well, I can't exercise. 0.98
01:59:25.000 I hurt.
01:59:27.000 I physically hurt.
01:59:29.000 And then to compound that, they want to give me painkillers.
01:59:34.000 And if I take the painkillers, I don't want to move.
01:59:37.000 You know what I mean?
01:59:38.000 So it's a weird place, you know?
01:59:40.000 I've got physical ailments. 0.99
01:59:41.000 I've got physical fucking problems. 0.99
01:59:43.000 I was in a car wreck. 0.99
01:59:44.000 I broke 42 bones, 64 separate breaks. 1.00
01:59:47.000 I'm fucked up. 0.99
01:59:48.000 Whoa, wait a minute. 1.00
01:59:49.000 You were in a car accident and you have 42 broken bones?
01:59:54.000 What was that?
01:59:54.000 When was this?
01:59:55.000 I was 16, 1988. Holy shit, dude. 1.00
01:59:58.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:59:59.000 I was in the hospital for 48 days.
02:00:01.000 And then after that, I was in a wheelchair for 10 months.
02:00:04.000 Oh my God.
02:00:05.000 That's crazy.
02:00:05.000 Yeah, I had spinal swelling.
02:00:07.000 I broke my two vertebrae in my neck.
02:00:10.000 I fractured two vertebrae in my neck, three in my back.
02:00:15.000 I broke one of the wings off my vertebrae that's right there, so I have sciatic problems.
02:00:22.000 They say I have amazingly dense bones and that I was very fortunate to live through it.
02:00:29.000 Wow. 0.99
02:00:29.000 It just fucking changes everything. 0.99
02:00:32.000 There goes your fucking last couple years of being a teenager. 1.00
02:00:34.000 Then people think you're retarded. 1.00
02:00:38.000 For me, they thought I was retarded.
02:00:40.000 And then they gave me a test and found out I was actually really smart.
02:00:43.000 And then they put me in this beginning scholars program at the University of Arkansas.
02:00:47.000 And that's when I started doing comedy.
02:00:49.000 Because my group met at a Shakey's Pizza on Highway 71 in Fayetteville, Arkansas.
02:00:55.000 And our study group in organic chemistry met there. 0.99
02:00:59.000 And I fucking hung out. 0.98
02:01:02.000 And there was an open mic contest. 1.00
02:01:03.000 And the winner got free pizza and a fucking pitcher. 1.00
02:01:06.000 And I had a joke about Vanna White's the dumbest person ever on television. 1.00
02:01:11.000 She doesn't even know how to spell the words. 1.00
02:01:14.000 They light them up for her, and she just walks over there and turns the fucking letter. 1.00
02:01:17.000 I mean, somebody could tell her how to do it. 0.99
02:01:18.000 I mean, why are you shocked when the fucking letter comes up, you know? 0.99
02:01:22.000 You don't even know how to spell it. 1.00
02:01:23.000 You're the dumbest bitch ever. 1.00
02:01:25.000 And then I said that I can't, even though I love Def Leppard, I can't see him. 1.00
02:01:30.000 I can't watch him because if I watch him in concert, I feel like I'm mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping and applauding and raising both hands up.
02:01:40.000 So this is when you just started out.
02:01:42.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:01:43.000 And this is just general premise.
02:01:46.000 I had jokes within, and I had seen it enough that I had this, and I won a stand-up comedy contest, and it went on from there.
02:01:53.000 I moved from the Shakey Speeds to the Ramada Inn, out by the mall in Fayetteville, while I was going to school.
02:01:58.000 And it all happened because they tested me, and I got into comedy.
02:02:03.000 They tested you?
02:02:05.000 Yeah, they tested me to see if I was retarded.
02:02:06.000 They gave me an IQ test and they found out I was actually bright.
02:02:09.000 That's how you got into comedy?
02:02:10.000 They said you needed to go tell jokes?
02:02:11.000 No, no.
02:02:12.000 It's the fact that my study group showed up there at the Shakey's Pizza where they had the open mic.
02:02:16.000 Did you have a dream of being a comic before that?
02:02:19.000 I did.
02:02:19.000 I had, but I never...
02:02:21.000 I lived in Arkansas.
02:02:23.000 I went to school in Winslow, Arkansas.
02:02:25.000 Do you have any comics from Arkansas?
02:02:28.000 There's a couple.
02:02:29.000 There's a couple.
02:02:30.000 Arkansas's a crazy town, huh? 0.94
02:02:32.000 It's a crazy place. 0.99
02:02:33.000 Yeah, it's a crazy state.
02:02:34.000 A state of mind. 1.00
02:02:35.000 A lot of nutty shit there, man. 1.00
02:02:36.000 A lot of nutty shit. 1.00
02:02:37.000 When Bill Clinton became president, they're like, he was the governor of Arkansas? 1.00
02:02:41.000 I know, right? 0.99
02:02:42.000 Arkansas is kind of fucking loked out, man. 0.99
02:02:44.000 Yeah, man. 0.99
02:02:45.000 What's the biggest city?
02:02:47.000 Little Rock.
02:02:48.000 Little Rock.
02:02:48.000 Yeah, but now actually probably they've consolidated them into three cities into one megalopolis.
02:02:56.000 Do you go down there?
02:02:57.000 Do you work?
02:02:57.000 I work there.
02:02:58.000 I do concerts in Little Rock.
02:02:59.000 I want to do one at the University of Arkansas.
02:03:01.000 I'm a big Razorback fan and I'd love to do one back there because...
02:03:05.000 My first gig, I got to work with Sam Kennison.
02:03:07.000 I won one of those talent show contests.
02:03:09.000 Kay Hogg, the local radio station, had a talent show contest.
02:03:12.000 He was playing the ballroom in like 89. You know what makes me sad about comedy, dude?
02:03:18.000 When I remember Houston.
02:03:19.000 Remember what Houston was like.
02:03:21.000 Yeah, I remember what Houston was like when I first started going there. 0.99
02:03:24.000 When that fucking open mic, man. 0.98
02:03:26.000 That open mic that would stop and it would start at 7 and go till 2. And never a comedian repeated, or if they did, there was a sketch or something live. 0.99
02:03:35.000 And the audience constantly came in and out. 1.00
02:03:38.000 And you were walking outside and smoking weed in the back of the room talking shit. 0.96
02:03:42.000 There was a lot of good comics there. 0.97
02:03:44.000 There was a lot of guys who were trying... 0.98
02:03:47.000 Experimental, amazing, smart shit. 0.99
02:03:49.000 Good ethic of the town. 0.99
02:03:51.000 They didn't want hacks in there.
02:03:53.000 And they all knew that Hicks came from there and Kinison came from there.
02:03:56.000 There was a heritage.
02:03:57.000 Yeah, there was something there in that town.
02:03:59.000 And boy, it just got extinguished.
02:04:01.000 It just got extinguished.
02:04:02.000 You know, and I hear guys say, hey, we're working out again, we got this going on again.
02:04:06.000 But man, there's like, you don't hear about guys coming out of Houston anymore.
02:04:10.000 No, no.
02:04:11.000 Matty Kirsch came out of there, and there was a bunch of other guys that were really good.
02:04:14.000 So much wasted talent, man.
02:04:15.000 Yeah, a lot of wasted talent.
02:04:15.000 You know, I mean, that's my favorite line.
02:04:17.000 Brian Hersey, do you remember Brian Hersey?
02:04:19.000 Genius. 0.78
02:04:19.000 That dude is funny as fuck, and he just kind of like stopped doing comedy. 0.78
02:04:22.000 No, he's a drunk that quit comedy. 1.00
02:04:24.000 That ain't cool, man. 0.57
02:04:25.000 It's weird. 0.99
02:04:26.000 It's like that place had a flower that was growing, and then some or another clouds grew overhead, and the flower fucking died. 0.99
02:04:32.000 It was right there, man. 0.98
02:04:34.000 I think comedy was about to evolve from there.
02:04:36.000 I think there was going to be 30, 40 comedians to come out of there.
02:04:40.000 And I'm only giving you maybe 10, 15% of the actual comedy community.
02:04:45.000 I mean, there was one at Open Mic that had literally over 100 comics performed.
02:04:51.000 Yeah.
02:04:52.000 And not everybody got to go on it.
02:04:54.000 So the improv there is not doing it now?
02:04:56.000 They don't do it at that level.
02:04:58.000 And they don't foster local talent.
02:05:00.000 Those improvs are too clean, man.
02:05:02.000 The Laugh Stop was dirty.
02:05:04.000 It was dirty.
02:05:04.000 Marty Babbitt was running it.
02:05:06.000 It was just fucking chaos. 0.99
02:05:08.000 That place was chaos, dude. 1.00
02:05:10.000 It was nuttiness to the extreme.
02:05:12.000 That's what you need.
02:05:13.000 The only way you get the real comedy to develop, especially developing comedy, There has to be chaos.
02:05:20.000 It has to be like the Comedy Store.
02:05:22.000 It has to be like that place, like The Last Stop.
02:05:24.000 It gets stifled if it doesn't.
02:05:26.000 I didn't grow as a comedian.
02:05:27.000 I mean, I grew to a certain level.
02:05:28.000 I knew how to rock a room, but I had to do it cleaner.
02:05:31.000 And I was a product of my environment.
02:05:33.000 I went up a lot of times.
02:05:36.000 I mean, working The Last Stop was maybe six times a year as work goes.
02:05:41.000 But I would work out every weekend at this place called the Comedy Showcase in Go Freeway in Fuquay.
02:05:47.000 And it was owned by a very smooth, I think he's smoother than, he's probably one of the most smooth comedians I've ever seen.
02:05:54.000 As far as like in an hour, go in and out of subjects, like it's just one conversation.
02:05:58.000 A guy named Danny Martinez.
02:06:00.000 And his club, he taught comics like he would have Wednesday through Sunday and you get 10, 15 minute spots.
02:06:09.000 And it was just a showcase club.
02:06:11.000 And then also I'd go and play the hip-hop comedy stop up in a hotel, a black room. 0.99
02:06:20.000 And that's where I developed all these black jokes because that was the fucking audience. 1.00
02:06:24.000 I mean, that's all I had, you know, and then I started, you know, I was a product of hanging around with Mexicans and black people. 1.00
02:06:31.000 And people go, where did you get this fucking accent from? 1.00
02:06:34.000 And why do you talk like that? 1.00
02:06:35.000 And it's like, well, it was funny to the fucking crowd I was playing for. 0.97
02:06:39.000 So anyway, what you're saying is there was a lot of different places to go up there and huge things. 0.97
02:06:42.000 So many.
02:06:43.000 So many.
02:06:48.000 down.
02:06:48.000 There really wasn't much there anymore.
02:06:49.000 It was before it even closed.
02:06:51.000 They opened up the second laugh stop, but the second laugh stop was not the same.
02:06:54.000 No, no.
02:06:55.000 And before it even closed, it wasn't the same, because when Babbitt left, and then Homeboy Pete came in.
02:07:00.000 Pete was a good guy.
02:07:01.000 Nice guy.
02:07:02.000 I liked Pete, but Pete was like, he was like a straight up accountant, sort of bookkeeping sort of a guy.
02:07:10.000 Right.
02:07:10.000 And you need shady weirdos running comedy clubs.
02:07:12.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:07:13.000 You need guys like our friend in San Francisco.
02:07:17.000 And there's a guy in Seattle, a couple guys in Seattle.
02:07:22.000 Ann Arbor, Michigan.
02:07:24.000 Did you do that comedy showcase in Ann Arbor?
02:07:26.000 No. 0.99
02:07:26.000 Dude, we had a good fucking time, man. 0.99
02:07:28.000 I was there with Tom Segura. 1.00
02:07:29.000 Fucking great. 0.98
02:07:30.000 I heard that guy's really funny, man. 0.99
02:07:31.000 A lot of people say he's really funny.
02:07:33.000 Segura's hilarious.
02:07:33.000 I don't even know that guy, man.
02:07:34.000 Tom Segura, follow him on Twitter.
02:07:36.000 Go see that guy in concert or wherever he's touring.
02:07:39.000 He comes with me some places. 0.97
02:07:40.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.98
02:07:41.000 Yeah, man. 0.98
02:07:42.000 He's really, really good.
02:07:43.000 He's really funny, man.
02:07:44.000 He's a great guy, too.
02:07:45.000 Apparently, everybody says he's phenomenal.
02:07:47.000 He's phenomenal.
02:07:47.000 And I got a piss, so I think this is a perfect time to end this podcast.
02:07:50.000 Great. 0.99
02:07:51.000 Shazam, suckers. 1.00
02:07:53.000 Thanks, guys.
02:07:54.000 Thank you very much for tuning in.
02:07:56.000 Thank you, Fleshlight, for sponsoring it.
02:07:57.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, you can get 15% off the Fleshlight.
02:08:02.000 There's a code name, Rogan, you have to type it in.
02:08:05.000 The New Year's Eve show, we still don't have a ticket link.
02:08:09.000 As soon as I have it, it will go up.
02:08:10.000 Thank you very much for all the interest.
02:08:12.000 I keep getting Twitter messages about it.
02:08:14.000 So it'll be me and Joey Diaz at the Mandalay Bay Theater. 0.99
02:08:17.000 It's going to be the shit. 0.99
02:08:18.000 It's like 1,700 people. 0.99
02:08:19.000 It's going to be a lot.
02:08:20.000 That's going to be such a great time, man. 0.99
02:08:22.000 If you want no drama in Vegas, and Vegas and fucking New Year's is nothing but fucking drama. 0.99
02:08:27.000 You won't be able to leave your fucking hotel after a certain time. 1.00
02:08:30.000 They'll cut the strip down, and it's a forever fucking walk. 0.99
02:08:33.000 The smartest thing to do is have tickets. 0.89
02:08:36.000 Only people with tickets will be allowed through the barricades to get into the masses.
02:08:41.000 Get your tickets early.
02:08:43.000 Buy them.
02:08:44.000 Go see a great show.
02:08:45.000 I highly recommend.
02:08:46.000 Joey Coco Diaz is possibly the funniest person I've ever been around in my life.
02:08:50.000 He makes me laugh more than anybody else ever. 0.93
02:08:53.000 And the two of you together is just a fucking dynamic show. 1.00
02:08:57.000 He's a real freak. 1.00
02:08:58.000 He's a freak. 0.87
02:08:59.000 There's not a whole lot of real freaks out there.
02:09:00.000 There's a lot of people... 0.99
02:09:01.000 Fronting, pretending to be freaked, walking around with your fucking different colors. 1.00
02:09:06.000 Oh, I've got one Converse All-Star that's red and one that's black. 0.99
02:09:10.000 My hair's purple. 0.86
02:09:10.000 I'm silly. 0.86
02:09:11.000 I go to Hot Topic. 0.98
02:09:12.000 I'm badass.
02:09:14.000 Anyway, that's it.
02:09:15.000 Thank you, Ralphie Mae.
02:09:16.000 Ralphie Mae, we've got to get you on Twitter.
02:09:18.000 You have an account, don't you?
02:09:19.000 Yes, I have a couple. 1.00
02:09:20.000 Use that shit, son. 1.00
02:09:21.000 I know. 1.00
02:09:22.000 People are tweeting right now.
02:09:23.000 Yes, Ralphie, use it.
02:09:25.000 Yes.
02:09:25.000 Ralphie, yes!
02:09:26.000 Okay, if I can get on it, Jesus Christ.
02:09:28.000 Thank you, everybody.
02:09:29.000 And next week, we've got Cliffy B on Wednesday, and we're going to work on getting Brian Posehn, see if we can hook him up next week, too.
02:09:36.000 And if not, we've got to do a Joey Diaz one, too, soon.
02:09:39.000 Another one. 0.99
02:09:40.000 In the house, bitches. 1.00
02:09:41.000 Thank you very much, Ralphie Mae, for coming on. 0.99
02:09:43.000 I appreciate it, my brother.
02:09:44.000 Always good to see you.
02:09:44.000 Thank you, sir.
02:09:45.000 Red Band.
02:09:46.000 Go to Red Band at Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N. He needs more followers.
02:09:49.000 He's very, very insecure about his Twitter account.
02:09:51.000 Yes.
02:09:51.000 It makes him sad.
02:09:53.000 Some chick from fucking Burbank. 1.00
02:09:55.000 Please date him, black girl. 1.00
02:09:56.000 Yes.
02:09:57.000 Sam.
02:09:57.000 Yes.
02:09:58.000 That's the next level.
02:09:58.000 I like you.
02:09:59.000 Do you like me?
02:09:59.000 Yes.
02:10:00.000 Black chicks. 1.00
02:10:01.000 That next level shit. 1.00
02:10:03.000 Thank you, everybody. 0.99
02:10:04.000 See you next week. 0.99
02:10:04.000 Love you, bitches. 0.99
02:10:05.000 See ya. 0.99