Ralphie Mae is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. He's disgruntled at the world of rap music and wants to know what s wrong with it. Also, what's wrong with handjobs? And is it better to have someone else hold the Fleshlight and give you a handjob instead of having you give a hand job? Find out on this week's episode of The Real Reel. Featuring special guest Ralphie Mae and special guest Joe D'Andrea. This show and all shows are sponsored by The Fleshlight. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. This episode was produced and edited by Riley Bray. The opinions stated here are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise stated. We do not own the rights to any music used in this episode. All credit given to artists, labels and labels. If you have a song you like, we'd like to use it on the next episode of the show, please reach out to us via Anchor.fm/TheRealRealReel with a link to the song used in the episode. Thank you for the music used on this episode, we are working on a song written and produced by us, and we appreciate the feedback we've gotten from our patrons. and the support we've received so far. We appreciate the support and support the support the work you've all shown us. Thank you so much, we really appreciate it. We really do appreciate it, thank you. We can't wait for the feedback, we're working on this project. - Thank you, we'll get back to work on the rest of the work we've done, we can't do more of it in the rest in the next week and we'll send you back next week! and we're looking forward to the rest next week. XOXO - The Real Real Real Good night. Love you all of the love we'll see you back in the good vibes and all the love and support we'll be back soon. -- Thank you. xoxo - - Joe and the boys - The Reverend -- The Real Good Night, Joe and The Good Lord Thank You, Joe & The Good Ol Nights Thanks, Joe Joe & the Crew & The Crew
00:00:13.000I go on and on and on and We'll take them to the crib unless they're boning Easy, call them on the phone and Clap them Chanel Cologne and My face, dress me Back in my mind, I hope she swallows.
00:00:40.000My man just took a drink, all my cream wallows.
00:00:55.000Then I whipped it out, rubber no doubt Step out, show me what you all about Pickles in your mouth, open up your brown Before your teeth bring them south Blew that blackout, in the parking lot Bop it out, in the parking lot Biotherapy and a green drop.
00:01:07.000And I don't stop until I put jeans skirt But make it all work Now, now, we get to the kickback out How good was Biggie?
00:01:30.000It was in the hospital with Tupac, and then it went dead with Biggie's death, and then it became hip-hop, and then everybody was going out for dollars, and they made a lot.
00:01:44.000They made a lot of shitty music, except for Eminem and Jay-Z and maybe Nas.
00:02:21.000Dude, it's way better than just regular jerking off.
00:02:24.000And the best thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you, it's even more detached from your own body, so it feels like you are actually having sex.
00:08:13.000Never replied, has never replied to anybody, zero followers.
00:08:17.000You try to make her reply, she will not do it.
00:08:19.000She almost seems like she's like an app.
00:08:21.000Type in, you know, it just automatically puts something sexy mixed with something.
00:08:25.000You might be absolutely right about that because I've read some of those that she writes because they've been featured on websites and shit, and they're crazy.
00:08:32.000They're all like, you know, I'm going to go down to this high school and try to get five dudes to shoot loads in me.
00:10:01.000You know, Jay and I were on the first TV show I ever did in 19, I think it was 92. It was Spotlight Cafe, this weird show in New York, and Jay was on it with me.
00:11:52.000He goes, if every joke of yours kills, then we won't be able to show that you bombed to tell you that you lost, to show the audience that you lost.
00:12:03.000So you have to get a standing ovation every show and every joke be your hardest that you've ever delivered it.
00:12:10.000That's the only way these people aren't going to get you out of here.
00:18:28.000This is a Ralphie Mae classic that's making the rounds, and I don't know all the details, so I want to hear the whole deal, because you got arrested somewhere.
00:24:03.000And because of the novelty effect of it.
00:24:05.000I remember I was watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor who said the coolest thing he'd ever done was take that Concord and then stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the world.
00:25:05.000I mean, wouldn't it be the logic that if you made that much progress in 30 years, That, you know, exponentially, if you take the same progress, like in cell phones in the last 20 years, from a briefcase with a cord and a headset, and then the move down was the brick.
00:25:25.000That same technology now, they're microscopic and they can, you know, tons of data.
00:25:31.000I mean, you just take that same stream of technology and apply that to another sector where we're spending billions and billions and billions of dollars on projects that we don't even know about.
00:25:42.000Fuck yeah, there's got to be something faster.
00:25:44.000I want to know about, I want to know about HAARP up in Alaska.
00:25:48.000I want to know about the F-23 that supposedly can hover and it's a scramjet.
00:27:31.000That's the closest wherever I wonder if they have some shit that's not released that's even faster than what we know about, like three or four times the speed of sound, some really nutty shit.
00:27:40.000What about that decommissioned super collider in Waxahaxie, Texas, that's still a federal off-limits facility?
00:27:50.000Say we created the God particle like they did in Switzerland, which is a controlled microscopic subatomic black hole.
00:27:59.000And then the energy explodes off that we collect.
00:28:02.000That theoretically, that in a bottle, any matter, we could stream and bang into each other and control that black hole.
00:28:10.000That we could, in the left of my water, get boom from there.
00:28:15.000We could fuel all of North America's energy services.
00:30:10.000Well, he said he had degrees in places they said he never enrolled, and there's like old yearbooks from those times, and he's not in the yearbook.
00:30:17.000So it seems like, at the very least, he's made some things up.
00:30:21.000So, you know, you gotta look at it and say, well, he probably made it all up.
00:30:24.000But the point is, he would take his friends to watch these things fly in the air, and he said he worked there, and they arrested him there.
00:30:29.000And once they arrested him there, there's like, you know, it was his big story, and he came out and said there was flying saucers there, and that he had worked on them, tried to back-engineer them.
00:30:43.000Where they're doing secret shit, and they didn't want people to know about it, and they had to tell people it existed in the 90s.
00:30:48.000Once they had satellites, and satellites started flying over and taking photographs of it, and people could see the whole facility and Groom Lake, and you could see all these air hangers.
00:30:56.000They're doing some nutty shit out there, man.
00:30:58.000That's where they're making stuff like stealth bombers.
00:32:02.000It sounds totally preposterous when you watch those ancient alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair talking all this nonsense about how they believe that aliens taught all these different people, all these different things.
00:32:15.000But, look, if we are people and we have aspired to travel and we supposedly have been to the moon...
00:32:23.000If we have that sort of capability in our primitive stage of development, what if there's a culture 100,000, 200,000, 300,000 years older than us?
00:32:32.000I mean, just think if we had gotten hit by the meteor.
00:32:34.000Yeah, a culture that survives that's 2 or 3 million years older than us.
00:32:38.000They're going to be so fucking far ahead of us.
00:32:41.000That they would literally be able to bypass all the ideas or have come to a resolution on all the ideas about interrupting life and genetically engineering new life.
00:32:52.000To them, it would be like, yeah, of course you do it.
00:33:10.000All these different stories from so many different religions and so many different ancient texts all have to do with some higher being coming from the sky.
00:34:35.000Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage?
00:34:39.000Like, the coolest fucking thing would be, you can't travel through time, but what you can do is go back in time and watch it and record it.
00:34:47.000Well, you know, if you found a way to extract it from trees, like visuals.
00:34:53.000Yeah, this is a thousand-year-old tree.
00:35:28.000That if you could go faster than the speed of light to the time and then with a powerful enough telescope pointed at us to catch the light reflected, you could use just as satellite technology looks down on the Earth, you could see the reflection of the Earth from that time and visually prove everything you wanted to.
00:36:12.000So you would be looking at Earth at that point in time.
00:36:15.000Yeah, so at the speed of light, Earth's history would come at you.
00:36:19.000I mean, if you could visually swatch it.
00:36:21.000Sort of, but you would be a thousand years in the future, looking a thousand years in the past, so you'd really virtually be in the same moment.
00:36:59.000The idea behind it is if you move into the future faster than the speed of light, what happens back here moves at a much, much, much faster pace.
00:37:45.000If we have the kind of technology to allow you to, even though you're billions of light years away or however far the fuck away you are, to look back and see the Earth and get close to the...
00:39:55.000They can rip a horse's fucking head off with his paw.
00:39:58.000I've talked about it too much over the past few weeks, and I talked about it yesterday on the Tom Green podcast, but there's a video you should see, folks.
00:40:05.000It's a bear eating a moose alive, and it's on the internet.
00:40:08.000You want to know how ruthless fucking nature is, man?
00:40:20.000This video, though, the crazy thing is this is a trained bear.
00:40:22.000This guy had raised this bear and trained it, and I believe it was his cousin was in the rink with it as they were working with the bear, and the bear just, for whatever reason, just decided to attack him out of nowhere, unprovoked, just fucked him up, man.
00:42:14.000There's one crazy sound that they recorded that's so many times louder than anything they'd ever recorded that was biological under the water.
00:44:03.000The difference is the guys that are competing, guys that are actively fighting in MMA, they have to always be ready to train and to spar, and they're always thinking about competition.
00:46:06.000It's funny because we're acknowledging now that we've integrated the American Indian into the whole American culture, like they're a part of us, now we're sort of acknowledging that the original Americans just fucked them, you know, and this guy fought back and this guy's a hero for fighting essentially us.
00:46:22.000Well, you know, it's mind-boggling when you say, you know, we're, you know, the land of the free because of an act of terrorism.
00:47:23.000Yeah, and that's how we bore our nation.
00:47:26.000And the same thing that we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorists because they want to kill us, or they killed this many and they don't want to be under our fucking rule.
00:47:34.000How dare we be an empire like the fucking British were to us?
00:51:31.000If they wanted to walk over South Korea, there's nothing we could do with 28,500 U.S. troops right there, except for battlefield nukes to prevent it.
00:54:39.000And the only way to citizenship, basically, in Roman times, is to be in the army.
00:54:44.000You know, to go from poverty to grace and stuff is to A, have intellect, okay, to show, you know, an aptitude for military service or science or math or, you know, athletics.
00:55:20.000But on sheer numbers, if they wanted to, because they have the National Guard, people that aren't in certain areas, they're the National Guard, even though they might work at a factory also.
00:57:17.000The shit that's going down in Africa right now, if it was happening in your neighborhood, you would be swearing it was the end of the world.
00:57:25.000People run through with machetes and cut people's heads off and hands.
00:57:28.000Yeah, there's a lot of hacking to death with machetes.
00:57:30.000And taking kids and getting them drug addicted and shooting cocaine and hair on.
00:57:35.000America should start franchising itself as a brand name.
00:57:38.000Like, hey, we're going to have an America opening up in your neighborhood, and you can have our laws and rules and protection, but it's going to cost you money.
00:57:45.000And it's going to start popping up like Starbucks.
01:01:32.000Because you have the combined knowledge of 8,000, possibly, if they were all online at the same time.
01:01:40.000Ask one question, so you have the population.
01:01:42.000You definitely get good answers to a lot of shit.
01:01:44.000And if you're an interesting person, you're into things that, you know, fascinating things about science and space, and I know you are, when you tweet those, if you find something online and you find some story like, whoa, check this shit out, you know, they just invented, bam!
01:01:56.000And you put that link up, you put that link up, a bunch of dudes will retweet that link, and then they'll start sending you shit.
01:02:02.000Hey, Ralphie, I know you're into this space shit, check this out, they just discovered this, doom!
01:02:06.000And that's what's going on on my Twitter.
01:03:35.000So when you say something like, you know, there's record earthquakes, there's record floods, the record is like you just woke up and the phone rang and you're like, this phone has rang a record number of times today.
01:03:47.000Because you've only been awake for five minutes.
01:03:49.000Our knowledge of the Earth is so fucking minuscule that any time people get crazy and start saying things like, oh, there's a record number of earthquakes, it must be because someone's attacking Pakistan with a lightning bolt that goes into the sky.
01:12:58.000It's too bad they didn't slowly fucking creep back into an area and keep New Orleans, but slowly move back away from where the water will hit.
01:13:06.000I lived in New Orleans for like six months.
01:13:11.000And there's a lot of people in New Orleans that believe, again, because it happened once in the 60s, during, I think it was Camille, that white people from Lake Pontchartrain blew up, dynamited the levees.
01:18:42.000They flew into that fucking Indian River fucking nuclear facility, you know, that's between Poughkeepsie and New York and irradiated all in New York.
01:20:28.000Dude, I was reading some article online about they're watching these two galaxies collide somewhere, and they're just starting to record this.
01:20:47.000Well, you know, everything has gravity, so the sun is the most dense thing in the solar system, and it's spinning in something more dense to make it spin in that area that rotates something else that's even denser to cause it to have a gravitational spin while exponentially space is expanding out to infinity, and it just fucking blows your mind, dude.
01:21:08.000When you start listening to Carl Sagan and you start listening to Stephen Hawking and shit like that, it's fucking mind-blowing.
01:21:16.000It's amazing we're as calm as we are about it all.
01:21:42.000That's when the big planet that's on an elliptical orbit that's 3,600 years away, it comes around and comes into our atmosphere every 3,600 years.
01:21:53.000And that's where we learned everything.
01:24:05.000No, it exists, but they didn't know that it was just the mature version of another dinosaur.
01:24:10.000What if there was only one dinosaur that lived and it was a huge alien that ate all these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the Earth?
01:24:17.000You know, that none of these animals actually even lived on Earth.
01:24:20.000It was just another alien that barfed it everywhere.
01:24:24.000You know, like this big alien came from another planet and he just like, barf, barf.
01:24:28.000Yeah, and he did that for 250 million years.
01:24:32.000That adds up to the carbon dating of all these fossils.
01:27:47.000People don't understand that they kind of have to hunt them in some places.
01:27:50.000Some places they overpopulate and they start fucking with the people that live there and trampling houses and shit.
01:27:56.000They'll kill you if you're fucking dead, dude.
01:27:58.000Like most, I mean, it's horrible that any elephant, elephants are fantastic animals, but it's horrible that any of them have to get killed.
01:28:04.000If people are going to live there and elephants are going to live there, you're going to have to choose between elephants and people.
01:28:09.000Or you're going to have to move those elephants and get them somehow the fuck out of there.
01:29:15.000I mean, someone should either have it and buy it as a decoration because it's beautiful, and to remind people that these majestic animals live and they have these crazy horns, or use it to make things out of them.
01:29:27.000But otherwise, you're just wasting the fact that these things died.
01:30:21.000Kills everything bad off your body, but it's not antibiotic, or it's not antibacterial, so it doesn't fuck with the natural chemistry of your skin.
01:30:29.000It actually enhances it, and it smells good, and it's healthy.
01:30:32.000It's really good for your skin, and it's great for after jiu-jitsu, because when you do jiu-jitsu, you always worry about getting skin rashes, whether it's ringworm, or some people get staph infections from scratches and shit like that.
01:31:58.000Yeah, and kombucha tea is a good one, too.
01:32:00.000And the reason being is because these are aggressive, healthy bacteria.
01:32:03.000And when you come in contact with shitty bacteria, your aggressive, healthy bacteria that you're getting from the acidophilus will actually fight it off.
01:32:54.000So he contacted all these major chains of hotels and says, what do you do with your soap when someone uses it once and just tosses it out?
01:33:01.000They go, well, we just throw them away.
01:33:03.000And he said, well, you know that there's an incredible amount of people die of just diarrhea and children die in third world countries because they don't have soap to wash their hands with.
01:33:13.000Diarrhea, dying of diarrhea and all that crap.
01:33:16.000So this guy decides that he's going to organize this foundation to collect soap from these hospitals and they clean off the soap and then they redistribute it to all these poor places and they're saving people's lives left and right.
01:33:31.000But that just shows you how close we are without soap.
01:33:34.000Well, it just shows you how what's really going on is we're fighting off organisms all the time.
01:33:40.000There's a constant battle for organisms.
01:33:42.000Yeah, and you'd think that there'd be something that would, since there's six, seven billion people on Earth now, that there would be some microbe that, just like in everything nature, when the population gets out of control, there has to be something that calls the herd.
01:34:15.000And it also is one of those things where they suspect that a lot of what this stuff comes from is people taking their antibiotics but not finishing the full cycle.
01:34:24.000So when you take antibiotics and you only take it for a couple of days and you go, I think I feel okay.
01:34:29.000Well, you haven't killed off all that bacteria.
01:34:31.000So the bacteria that lives is stronger because of it.
01:37:31.000All the different things like the grams, the ounces, the language barriers.
01:37:37.000everything's fucking going away in like five years, even maybe 10 years when it gets so good that voice activation, like being able to like have something on your person.
01:37:45.000So if a person's talking Japanese, it's automatically just going to translate it for you into English.
01:37:50.000If somebody is telling you 12 feet instead of 12 ounces or whatever, it's going to convert it for you.
01:37:54.000See, the problem is when you translate languages, like say if you translate Japanese into English, you're going to have to also...
01:38:00.000if you're going to translate it into English and have it direct, it's going to come out real funky.
01:38:05.000Because the way they talk and communicate is almost alien.
01:38:08.000So there's a lot of creative license involved in structuring sentences that are going to make sense.
01:38:13.000But that's easy compared to most technology, you know?
01:41:14.000Yeah, they tested it against a bunch of other cars, like the Boxster and all these different sports cars, or different, like, little, you know, sporty little sort of convertible-type cars.
01:43:12.000Well, you know, I've talked about that with a friend of mine that I have that has autistic children or an autistic kid.
01:43:19.000And he's like, the aptitude that these kids have for learning things and for holding information and for dispensing it and spitting it back out, it's shocking.
01:43:29.000It almost makes you think, I wonder if this is some weird...
01:43:35.000obviously a disease these kids are obviously impaired when it comes to being able to communicate emotionally and being able to reach out and don't you think nature constantly when it goes to evolve in anything any form over the history of the of of the earth through evolution that it's made a lot of fuck-ups tell the one thing hit and then boom that's the next level well that's the idea is that we have mutations and that from those mutations the ones that are useful are kept and Yeah.
01:44:01.000Natural selection dictates that we move in that direction now.
01:44:11.000But the idea that these kids that are super genius kids, like what they're having is just like a blip or just a glimpse as to the potential of what human beings can do.
01:45:20.000So, maybe anyone that's special needs is the future of what we...
01:45:25.000No, it's not special needs, because a lot of that is just a mistake that, you know, in the dog-eat-dog world of nature, we would not allow to survive, you know?
01:45:32.000If we were living thousands of years ago, and you had kids that were, like, heavily deformed, they didn't live, you know?
01:45:44.000Mutation sometimes, I mean, the idea is that, I mean, isn't it like the idea that a lot of mutation comes from radiation, comes from, like, just fucking shit in space and the sun?
01:45:59.000It could very well be that what we're seeing...
01:46:01.000I mean, could you imagine if you were a regular person who had, you know, regular social skills and totally normal and irregular insecurities, but for whatever reason, you were capable of looking at Berlin out the window of an airplane and then just drawing it in extreme detail, like, into a point where people are shocked, like, you've got some magic power of retention.
01:47:44.000Well, he didn't write the first novel.
01:47:46.000The first novel was Beowulf, but the first novel of substance that was printed with the printing press was Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales.
01:50:48.000You know, Lenny Bruce got people used to questioning things, questioning the use of words, questioning, you know, all sorts of aspects of our culture.
01:55:09.000Isn't it crazy to think of all the fucking women you've been with, like how your life intersected with their life and where they're at now?
01:55:53.000I was kickboxing and I was doing Taekwondo tournaments.
01:55:56.000At the time, I did not know what the fuck I was doing with my life, and it was all spent on just trying to figure out...
01:56:01.000Martial arts competition had been my whole past, and then I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my future, and then I started getting into comedy, and that's when I met this crazy bitch with the knife.
01:57:56.000So this guy was like this really weird, introspective, really intelligent guy who really was looking deep into shit and taking mushrooms and going on peyote trips and trying to find himself.
01:58:09.000And then I guess some people were just feeding off of it, you know?
01:58:12.000I know in Houston, he let me open for him once at the laugh stop.
01:58:36.000When Powered Stern talks about him in such a way, I have a connection with a couple of radio guys like that, where he talks about we'd had Sam over.
01:58:46.000We knew that he was fucking crazy and he was out of control and we knew he was going to die, but he was on the road and we wanted to give him a home-cooked meal, so we brought him home from radio and I have a friend of mine You think about mortality?
01:59:13.000I think about it more and more since of my children, and that's why I'm losing weight slowly, and it plateaus unless I exercise, and if I don't feel well, I can't exercise.
02:01:25.000And then I said that I can't, even though I love Def Leppard, I can't see him.
02:01:30.000I can't watch him because if I watch him in concert, I feel like I'm mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping and applauding and raising both hands up.
02:03:26.000That open mic that would stop and it would start at 7 and go till 2. And never a comedian repeated, or if they did, there was a sketch or something live.
02:03:35.000And the audience constantly came in and out.
02:03:38.000And you were walking outside and smoking weed in the back of the room talking shit.