The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #686 - Jeff Ross

00:00:06.000 We're live?

00:00:07.000 Good googly moogly, Jeff Ross. 1.00

00:00:09.000 Push that fucker up to your face and say hello to the world. 1.00

00:00:12.000 Hello, world. 1.00

00:00:13.000 Are you taking off the...

00:00:14.000 No headphones for you?

00:00:15.000 You're a rebel.

00:00:17.000 You're a rebel. 1.00

00:00:17.000 You don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:00:19.000 You look great, buddy. 0.99

00:00:20.000 You look great as well, fellow black belt in Taekwondo.

00:00:24.000 What?

00:00:25.000 I saw a picture of you when you were a little kid.

00:00:27.000 Somebody posted it up on my message board.

00:00:29.000 What are you, like the youngest black belt in New Jersey or something crazy like that? 1.00

00:00:32.000 Yeah.

00:00:33.000 Second, yep.

00:00:34.000 Second in the country. 1.00

00:00:35.000 You fucking savage. 1.00

00:00:36.000 You were dropping some knowledge about all of this. 1.00

00:00:40.000 We started the podcast up quickly.

00:00:41.000 Look at that. 1.00

00:00:42.000 Look at that fucking... 1.00

00:00:43.000 Wow. 1.00

00:00:43.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:00:44.000 Badass little kid. 0.93

00:00:45.000 I never knew that. 0.66

00:00:45.000 I'm ten and a half in that picture. 0.66

00:00:47.000 Karate chomping bitches. 1.00

00:00:48.000 Am I still a black belt, Joe, technically, if it doesn't fit around my waist anymore? 1.00

00:00:52.000 You are.

00:00:53.000 You have earned it.

00:00:54.000 Whether or not you're at black belt level or not, that's debatable.

00:00:57.000 But you have earned your black belt.

00:00:59.000 So you are a black belt. 0.56

00:01:01.000 It's like a Marine.

00:01:02.000 I love that.

00:01:04.000 Once you go back, you never go back.

00:01:07.000 We started the podcast up abruptly because we were talking about...

00:01:11.000 Wait, one question for you.

00:01:13.000 How do you think being a black belt has affected your comedy? 1.00

00:01:18.000 I don't know.

00:01:19.000 None.

00:01:20.000 Not at all. 0.98

00:01:21.000 I don't think I would have the confidence to talk shit if I didn't get a black belt early on. 0.98

00:01:25.000 Really? 0.99

00:01:25.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:26.000 It probably helps something.

00:01:28.000 Come on, of course.

00:01:28.000 For sure, in that way.

00:01:30.000 There's no doubt about it.

00:01:30.000 Well, it definitely helps, like, you not be worried about confrontation as much.

00:01:34.000 Well, at least, yeah.

00:01:36.000 Oh, for sure.

00:01:36.000 It's like having that, uh...

00:01:39.000 What do they have around Israel?

00:01:40.000 Cone of silence?

00:01:41.000 No.

00:01:42.000 The, uh...

00:01:43.000 A dome, something dome.

00:01:45.000 They have a dome in Israel?

00:01:46.000 Yeah, it's like a defense system.

00:01:47.000 Oh, I see.

00:01:49.000 Right, right, right.

00:01:50.000 So you have a defense system.

00:01:51.000 In place.

00:01:52.000 It might be a little rusty and a little, you know, in need of some tune-up, but it's there. 1.00

00:01:58.000 Well, anybody that would, most of the time, anybody that would hackle you or think about attacking you, usually they're so fucking stupid. 1.00

00:02:06.000 Like the vast majority of hecklers are so goddamn dumb. 1.00

00:02:09.000 But I've been around so many people that can kick my ass, I don't feel very confident. 1.00

00:02:13.000 You know, working for the UFC, I'm just constantly around people that could just fuck me up anytime. 0.99

00:02:18.000 I don't feel very confident, like with regular people maybe, but just I'm too humbled by my job.

00:02:24.000 I've been working with a bunch of fighters.

00:02:25.000 Yeah?

00:02:26.000 What have you been doing with him?

00:02:26.000 Joe Daddy?

00:02:27.000 Do you know who that is?

00:02:28.000 Stevenson.

00:02:28.000 Yeah, Joe Stevenson.

00:02:29.000 He's the mentor and fighting coach for the show Kingdom.

00:02:34.000 This is all about MMA fighters.

00:02:36.000 An underground scene.

00:02:38.000 That's that DirecTV show, right?

00:02:39.000 Uh-huh.

00:02:39.000 Isn't Callen on that?

00:02:40.000 Uh-huh.

00:02:40.000 Brian Callen's on that.

00:02:41.000 Yeah.

00:02:42.000 That's cool that DirecTV's doing their own programming.

00:02:44.000 That's nice.

00:02:45.000 There's so many different avenues for programming now. 0.90

00:02:48.000 It's pretty fucking badass.

00:02:48.000 They make the show, and then they show the show, and now it's on iTunes.

00:02:52.000 And I'm on the next season.

00:02:53.000 It's a cool thing, because...

00:02:55.000 It's fun to see the fight world get dramatized.

00:02:58.000 It's like Friday Night Lights for...

00:03:00.000 For fights?

00:03:01.000 Right.

00:03:02.000 Are they good scenes, though?

00:03:03.000 Very realistic.

00:03:04.000 Of course, as a fan, you're going to...

00:03:06.000 Fans would roll their eyes and go, how realistic could it be?

00:03:09.000 I've only been to one fight.

00:03:11.000 It was the one you and Ari invited me to.

00:03:14.000 Which one was that?

00:03:15.000 Do you remember?

00:03:15.000 In Vancouver a few years back.

00:03:17.000 Hmm.

00:03:18.000 I have to think of who was fighting there.

00:03:19.000 Might have been Turner.

00:03:20.000 That sounds like...

00:03:21.000 I think it was Jon Jones.

00:03:22.000 Was it Jon Jones?

00:03:23.000 I can't remember, man.

00:03:24.000 Jon...

00:03:24.000 John Jones and Gustafson?

00:03:26.000 Was that Vancouver?

00:03:26.000 My jaw was dropping at the blood.

00:03:28.000 It's crazy.

00:03:28.000 I had never been.

00:03:29.000 So now these fight scenes, we shoot at night, so it's very realistic, and it's surprisingly authentic.

00:03:37.000 It's all real fighters and boxers fighting the actors on this show.

00:03:42.000 Nick Jonas...

00:03:43.000 Music superstar.

00:03:44.000 One of the Jonas Brothers on the show?

00:03:46.000 Not one of the Jonas Brothers.

00:03:47.000 Like, the guy who's got the number one music career right now is also playing a fighter, and he's a total badass.

00:03:53.000 Really?

00:03:53.000 It sounds crazy, but he's ripped.

00:03:56.000 He's in these scenes for six, seven hours a night, two, three nights in a row, shooting just the fight scenes.

00:04:03.000 Then the next day, or all day, he's got to do, like, actual dramatic acting, but...

00:04:08.000 The fights are really well done.

00:04:10.000 They're raw.

00:04:12.000 People get hurt.

00:04:13.000 There's a lot of real blood mixed with the acting blood, you know?

00:04:17.000 So this is him right here? 1.00

00:04:18.000 Look at this fucking stud. 1.00

00:04:20.000 I'm telling you, man. 1.00

00:04:21.000 I was so impressed.

00:04:22.000 Looks like TJ Wahlberger.

00:04:23.000 I play a sleazy promoter that hires him even though he's on a medical leave from fighting. 0.99

00:04:29.000 He's a handsome bastard. 0.99

00:04:30.000 Does he actually know martial arts? 1.00

00:04:33.000 He is very believable as a fighter.

00:04:35.000 Like, some of the fighters said he's as good...

00:04:37.000 Joe Daddy actually told me this.

00:04:39.000 I don't know if I'm supposed to...

00:04:40.000 But he thinks he's as good as some of the fighters that they have come train him.

00:04:44.000 Really?

00:04:45.000 That if he was fighting, he would beat this guy, for real.

00:04:48.000 Like, he was doing a scene the other night, and that's what Joe Daddy said. 0.98

00:04:50.000 What's that gay scene right there? 0.96

00:04:52.000 Right there. 0.95

00:04:53.000 What's going on right there?

00:04:54.000 That looks like...

00:04:54.000 I don't know what's going on.

00:04:56.000 Come on.

00:04:56.000 They're playing brothers.

00:04:57.000 They're brothers.

00:04:59.000 Whatever.

00:05:01.000 It's time to get underhooks.

00:05:03.000 Dude, fight them off. 1.00

00:05:04.000 Get that right underhook. 0.92

00:05:05.000 It's a very intense show.

00:05:07.000 There's a lot of tears and...

00:05:08.000 What's that guy got? 1.00

00:05:09.000 A lot of drugs and fucking. 1.00

00:05:11.000 Are those tattoos on his arm or is he just like really in a tape? 1.00

00:05:15.000 What is that?

00:05:17.000 That's a new thing, bro.

00:05:18.000 I duct tape up before I leave my house, bro.

00:05:21.000 I think he's taped up.

00:05:22.000 It's a bad technique right there.

00:05:24.000 I'm getting a little upset at that rear naked choke technique.

00:05:26.000 What's he doing with his right hand?

00:05:28.000 Why isn't it behind the guy's head?

00:05:29.000 You are not watching a sanctioned clip from the show.

00:05:32.000 I'm watching some... 0.99

00:05:33.000 This is what I do when I'm fucking. 1.00

00:05:35.000 I think you're watching this too long and we should start questioning your sexuality. 0.99

00:05:39.000 I don't know how many of your guests have done that, but...

00:05:42.000 I don't quite sink the choke in. 1.00

00:05:45.000 That's how I fuck. 1.00

00:05:47.000 You've started by staring at Nick Jonas getting choked out for almost three minutes now. 1.00

00:05:53.000 Hypnotized. 1.00

00:05:53.000 It's like one of those fucking clocks. 1.00

00:05:55.000 Tick, tock, tick, tock. 1.00

00:05:57.000 Have you ever been hypnotized?

00:06:00.000 No.

00:06:00.000 I got hypnotized recently for the first time ever.

00:06:02.000 It's very interesting.

00:06:04.000 Yeah, this guy who, Vinny Shorman, has been on the podcast.

00:06:06.000 He hypnotized a lot of fighters.

00:06:09.000 He's like kind of a mind coach.

00:06:11.000 Knows a lot about like how to eliminate barriers that people have set up. 0.98

00:06:17.000 Fucking send them to you, buddy. 1.00

00:06:18.000 Kick this fucking cigarette habit and get you on the road to recovery! 1.00

00:06:24.000 But, um, it's very interesting. 1.00

00:06:26.000 Because when you get hypnotized, you're aware of what's going on.

00:06:28.000 You're totally aware. 0.98

00:06:29.000 But you're definitely in some sort of fucking weird dreamland. 0.99

00:06:32.000 Very strange. 0.98

00:06:34.000 Were you completely sober?

00:06:35.000 100%.

00:06:36.000 Yeah, 100% sober.

00:06:37.000 Sitting on the couch.

00:06:39.000 Was it just an adventure, or were you trying to cure something?

00:06:41.000 Well, I'm curious, because I wanted to know what...

00:06:44.000 Because I know a lot of fighters have used it and had very good results.

00:06:48.000 Like, it's alleviated a lot of anxiety with them, given them a lot of confidence, and they've attributed it to a lot of their positive performances.

00:06:54.000 It's not foolproof.

00:06:55.000 Better man always wins every time.

00:06:57.000 You know, and sometimes fighters who don't have a mind coach will still beat fighters that have a mind coach.

00:07:01.000 But I think...

00:07:02.000 All things said, if you add all the different things that a fighter has to be aware of, you have to be in shape, you have to know your techniques, you have to be motivated.

00:07:12.000 There's a lot of stuff going on in a fighter's head that has to be lined up properly.

00:07:17.000 And a mind coach, not a bad idea.

00:07:19.000 Having someone who can hypnotize you and give you tenets to live by and pathways that you could follow that are positive, I think that's fucking super important for anybody, for fighters, for anybody.

00:07:33.000 So I just wanted to try it.

00:07:34.000 I wanted to see if what it does for fighting can actually do for stand-up.

00:07:40.000 Did you trust this guy?

00:07:41.000 Did you know this hypnotist?

00:07:42.000 Like, he didn't put in any crazy things that you'd make chicken noises?

00:07:45.000 No.

00:07:46.000 Bop!

00:07:46.000 No.

00:07:48.000 No, it wasn't like, you know, take your pants off, suck my dick. 1.00

00:07:53.000 It wasn't like... 1.00

00:07:54.000 How do you know?

00:07:54.000 I know it wasn't, because I was awake the whole time.

00:07:56.000 Like, you're awake.

00:07:57.000 It's a weird feeling, man.

00:07:59.000 It's like you're listening to him, but it's almost like you're in a room and he's coming in over a loudspeaker and your eyes are closed.

00:08:08.000 That's what it feels like.

00:08:09.000 It's very strange.

00:08:11.000 Very strange.

00:08:11.000 Is there anything you could compare it to?

00:08:13.000 Is it like yoga?

00:08:14.000 Is it like...

00:08:15.000 No, it's like a little bit like something that might happen in a sensory deprivation tank, because it seems like you go into this weird alternate state.

00:08:23.000 And that's sort of how he describes it, that you're actually entering into an alternate state of consciousness, like a different mind state.

00:08:31.000 Very, very interesting stuff.

00:08:32.000 I was always curious, because you ever seen a R-rated hypnotist?

00:08:36.000 Yeah.

00:08:36.000 Guys that are really good.

00:08:37.000 You ever see Frank Santos when he was around?

00:08:38.000 I remember him in Boston.

00:08:39.000 You do?

00:08:40.000 Yes!

00:08:40.000 He was the best.

00:08:41.000 He was the best, that guy.

00:08:42.000 It seemed creepy to me, like he had the hottest wife imaginable, and he looked like a... 0.99

00:08:47.000 A frog.

00:08:50.000 Yeah, he knocked it out of the park.

00:08:51.000 He was a great guy, though.

00:08:52.000 I just kept looking at her, trying to think of whatever the code word was to snap her out of it.

00:08:58.000 Code word is pickles.

00:09:00.000 Randomly, graham crackers, just to see.

00:09:02.000 She's like, what are you...

00:09:05.000 I'm married to who?

00:09:08.000 Wait, what?

00:09:09.000 Huh?

00:09:09.000 Wait, I was at a corporate party.

00:09:11.000 What happened?

00:09:13.000 No, married to a hypnotist?

00:09:16.000 He would have guys come in their pants all the time. 0.97

00:09:19.000 This is back when Madonna was hot.

00:09:21.000 It was like the 1980s.

00:09:23.000 And he had some guy and the guy was like doing push-ups on stage. 0.99

00:09:27.000 And he told him, now Madonna's underneath you and she's naked and you're having sex with her. 0.99

00:09:32.000 And you could see the guy literally think he was having sex with Madonna and he would come. 0.99

00:09:38.000 Jesus.

00:09:39.000 Are you going to have more sessions?

00:09:42.000 I would do it again.

00:09:43.000 I would definitely do it again.

00:09:44.000 The hypnotizing thing.

00:09:46.000 I think I would do it again.

00:09:48.000 Vinny lives in England, so he's only here occasionally.

00:09:51.000 But if I found someone that was good, that was in this area, I would do it.

00:09:55.000 I think there's something...

00:09:56.000 You could videotape it though, right?

00:09:57.000 I'd be so creeped out.

00:09:59.000 I'm not scared. 0.99

00:10:01.000 Periscope that shit at least. 1.00

00:10:04.000 All these people watching it from their phones in their car, fall asleep at the wheel and drive out in traffic. 1.00

00:10:10.000 They'll fall asleep along with me.

00:10:13.000 Wait, why hasn't a TV show, if hypnotism does exist, and it's true, why hasn't a TV show done that?

00:10:20.000 Have a 15 minute opening where they just hypnotize everyone that's watching it?

00:10:24.000 It's a good idea, actually.

00:10:25.000 You should do it.

00:10:25.000 That's how the Jonestown Massacre started.

00:10:30.000 You know what, Skype hypnotizing is a way a cult, you could get a group of people to sacrifice themselves.

00:10:37.000 He does stuff over Skype.

00:10:39.000 There's probably laws, there should be anti-hypnotism laws for more than small groups of people.

00:10:47.000 I don't know if it works like that.

00:10:48.000 What if Hitler was just a hypnotist and he had those big crowds? 1.00

00:10:51.000 He's like, fuck it. 0.99

00:10:52.000 Don't you think that when you're on stage and you're killing, when you're locked in, don't you think that's kind of like sort of a mass hypnosis in a lot of ways? 1.00

00:11:01.000 Don't you feel like that?

00:11:01.000 I like that.

00:11:02.000 I never thought about it that way, but I could see that.

00:11:05.000 You know how like when you're in the middle of your material and you're locked in, you're tuned into the audience, the audience is tuned into you, and they're kind of thinking like you're thinking.

00:11:13.000 I feel that way when I watch somebody.

00:11:15.000 If I watch somebody really good, like I watched Burr the other night, he was hilarious.

00:11:19.000 And I feel like when you watch someone as really good, you're tuning in to what they do.

00:11:24.000 Like, you're in their head.

00:11:26.000 Like, they're in your head, I guess, more.

00:11:28.000 And like, you're just kind of like an empty vessel, and your brain is filled up with their ideas. 0.97

00:11:34.000 And when someone's captivating, especially like Diaz the other night, had this fucking Cosby bit that was killing me. 0.99

00:11:41.000 Fucking killing me. 0.99

00:11:42.000 And when he's doing it, you're thinking the way he thinks. 0.99

00:11:45.000 Like, your eyes are open, you're anticipating what he's going to say.

00:11:48.000 You don't have any room in your head for anything else.

00:11:51.000 Like, you're thinking the way he's thinking.

00:11:53.000 He's inside your head.

00:11:54.000 He's hypnotized the entire crowd.

00:11:56.000 He's taking you for a ride.

00:11:58.000 Even if you didn't believe weren't with him, now you are.

00:12:00.000 Yeah, he's taking you for a ride.

00:12:02.000 He's taking you for a ride.

00:12:03.000 In a lot of ways, he's on the same ride.

00:12:06.000 I always feel that way, too.

00:12:08.000 I've always said this, that when I'm at my best, I'm as much of a passenger as I am a driver.

00:12:15.000 I kind of have to make the turns and steer the car and figure out which way the bits are going to go, but when I'm locked in, I feel like I'm just riding it.

00:12:23.000 I just have to get out of my own way.

00:12:26.000 Don't you feel like that?

00:12:27.000 I can understand being on a roll and not thinking, how's this going or what should I do?

00:12:32.000 Just talking.

00:12:34.000 As if you're talking to your buddy in the backseat of your car. 1.00

00:12:37.000 Well, especially your style, too, because you like to fuck with people. 1.00

00:12:41.000 And so when you're fucking with people, you're coming out of nowhere. 1.00

00:12:44.000 I mean, you're just pulling them out of the universe. 0.98

00:12:47.000 Yeah.

00:12:48.000 I remember hearing once how important...

00:12:50.000 There was an article a long time ago, maybe it was in a book, about late-night hosts, and you have to listen.

00:12:56.000 As soon as I stopped trying to think of jokes and just started to listen and trust that whatever I said would be entertaining in some way, eventually if I just stay in it and just listen to the other person...

00:13:10.000 If a funny character is presented in front of me, if someone's boring, you might have to try to...

00:13:17.000 Write a joke on the spot in your head, but if they're an interesting person, you could just talk to them and eventually it's gonna land on something funny.

00:13:25.000 Yeah, that is a problem with some comics is that they're so in their own head that they don't listen to the person they're talking to.

00:13:30.000 I had a lady on stage in Chicago and so speed roasting the crowd and gosh, she was like a really round person With a crazy yellow mohawk way over the top, and she was tiny little thing, 1.00

00:13:47.000 but built like a little mailbox with a big mouth and just a funny, funny body, and she came on, just threw herself up on stage, wanted to be roasted, and I was like, he said, a lot of people,

00:14:03.000 I think I said a lot of people couldn't Pull off that outfit and you're two of them.

00:14:09.000 I don't know what the... 0.99

00:14:11.000 Shit, I'm ruining a great joke. 1.00

00:14:13.000 With a fond memory. 0.99

00:14:15.000 But it came to you out of nowhere.

00:14:17.000 I've got to remember the joke.

00:14:19.000 It came to you out of nowhere.

00:14:20.000 Yeah, you're just listening and boom, that's the home run that people remember because it wasn't thought about ahead of time.

00:14:27.000 It was just listening to the...

00:14:28.000 looking.

00:14:29.000 When you're roasting people, listening is also looking.

00:14:32.000 Like taking a good look at assessing exactly what's been put in front of you. 0.97

00:14:37.000 When you were doing the prison thing and you talked to the guy and you said you look like a combination of a child and a child molester. 0.98

00:14:44.000 Yeah, you're the rare person who looks like a child and a child molester at the same time. 0.98

00:14:49.000 And he did. 0.99

00:14:51.000 He did.

00:14:52.000 No, he did.

00:14:53.000 He nailed it.

00:14:54.000 I just try to say out loud what people normally would say behind people's backs.

00:14:59.000 Hence the karate.

00:15:00.000 Self-defense.

00:15:02.000 I do remember early instances of hecklers.

00:15:05.000 Before I knew anything about roasting, I was just a comedian, you know, usually emceeing, you know, on the road or in Jersey, you know, where we had a lot of characters.

00:15:16.000 And in the audience, I remember...

00:15:19.000 You know, a few times people taking swings at me or just walking on stage.

00:15:22.000 I was working with Rich Voss at a firehouse.

00:15:25.000 You know, I'd only been doing comedy a year or two.

00:15:27.000 And I opened for him at some sort of fundraiser at a firehouse.

00:15:34.000 I was about five minutes into my routine.

00:15:36.000 Saturday night, these firemen are in their firehouse.

00:15:40.000 This is before there were any rules to anything.

00:15:48.000 They kept telling me, make fun of Larry.

00:15:51.000 Make fun of Larry.

00:15:52.000 He loves it.

00:15:53.000 Make fun of Larry.

00:15:53.000 I don't know who Larry is.

00:15:56.000 Of course, Larry turned out to be the biggest asshole on the planet who doesn't love it at all. 0.99

00:16:01.000 And he literally was gigantic and walked up on stage and took the microphone out of my hand, put it in the mic stand and said, you're done. 1.00

00:16:08.000 And I just laughed.

00:16:11.000 Wow.

00:16:13.000 Was the audience laughing before that?

00:16:15.000 I don't remember.

00:16:17.000 I'm sure they weren't laughing enough.

00:16:20.000 I just remember it being so hard, and it just builds up your...

00:16:24.000 You have to have thick skin, and you've got to be able to, like, stare.

00:16:26.000 You've got to have confidence that, you know, you're in the right.

00:16:32.000 Well, you definitely would get a little bit more confidence having gone through martial arts, because you've done some difficult stuff, been involved with a little bit of conflict.

00:16:40.000 Yeah.

00:16:40.000 I mean, I did karate tournaments as a kid, and...

00:16:45.000 It's like you never feel more alive than when you're competing.

00:16:49.000 And I love when comedy has a little tension to it.

00:16:52.000 It doesn't have to be all about what I think.

00:16:54.000 Sometimes I remember getting as heckling became more and more In the audiences, more and more you heard people heckling and there were famous instances of hecklers and audiences and stuff like that. 1.00

00:17:09.000 I said, fuck it. 0.99

00:17:10.000 People are going to videotape the shows. 1.00

00:17:12.000 It's so annoying.

00:17:12.000 Why don't I just go one step further and put the audience on stage?

00:17:17.000 Wow, so that's when you started speed roasting.

00:17:19.000 Interactive.

00:17:20.000 I wanted my show to be more interactive.

00:17:22.000 And I'm still partially like that, but I think the audience is a big part of the experience now.

00:17:27.000 Well, also for you, because it's your style.

00:17:31.000 Like, you know, maybe that wouldn't work for some guys.

00:17:33.000 You know, with you, it just fits.

00:17:35.000 Yeah.

00:17:35.000 So you do it.

00:17:36.000 Yeah.

00:17:36.000 I grew up at a catering hall.

00:17:37.000 I like talking to people.

00:17:39.000 I like knowing why they're at my show.

00:17:40.000 Your parents were caterers?

00:17:42.000 Yeah.

00:17:42.000 My grandparents, my uncles, my cousins, me...

00:17:46.000 So you're just always around people?

00:17:47.000 Food, people, dancing.

00:17:49.000 Are you a dancer?

00:17:50.000 Dancing with the stars? 0.99

00:17:51.000 You were telling me that you got your eye fucked up and danced with the stars? 0.98

00:17:54.000 I had a scratched cornea on the last rehearsal on the first day of the live show and went to the hospital and danced anyway. 0.98

00:18:03.000 It was just...

00:18:04.000 I got the lowest scores since...

00:18:07.000 I don't know.

00:18:10.000 Since Larry Flint's wheelchair flipped over in season two.

00:18:12.000 So you just couldn't see?

00:18:14.000 Oh, you had an eye patch while you were doing it.

00:18:17.000 Oh.

00:18:17.000 Wow.

00:18:18.000 Dude, look at you. 1.00

00:18:19.000 You fucking look pretty thin there. 1.00

00:18:20.000 Yeah, well. 0.99

00:18:21.000 Lose a lot of weight doing that show?

00:18:22.000 I lost about 20 pounds.

00:18:24.000 Yeah.

00:18:24.000 And how much does your ego weigh?

00:18:26.000 Your ego's all up five pounds, for sure.

00:18:28.000 I lost that, too.

00:18:30.000 But I look good.

00:18:31.000 That's Edita.

00:18:32.000 She's awesome. 1.00

00:18:33.000 Yeah, you have to practice every day for that shit. 1.00

00:18:36.000 I practiced. 1.00

00:18:37.000 I was in the best shape of my life.

00:18:39.000 All day.

00:18:40.000 I did a dancing scene with Leslie Bibb in the movie Zookeeper. 0.97

00:18:44.000 We had to do this fucking crazy dancing scene, and so we had to take dancing lessons. 0.96

00:18:49.000 It's hard. 0.99

00:18:50.000 It's fucking hard to do. 0.97

00:18:51.000 And here's the thing. 0.98

00:18:52.000 I don't like it.

00:18:53.000 I love it.

00:18:54.000 I don't want to do it.

00:18:55.000 Do you pull it out?

00:18:56.000 After the roast battle, we have a dance party in the back bar.

00:19:00.000 Really?

00:19:00.000 Sometimes at the comedy store.

00:19:01.000 Do you dance?

00:19:02.000 Do you dance off?

00:19:02.000 We all dance.

00:19:03.000 Like 30 people dance.

00:19:04.000 Jamie, why is it 150 degrees in here?

00:19:05.000 Any reason?

00:19:06.000 Maybe let's see if those AC things work. 0.96

00:19:10.000 It's hot as fuck in here, isn't it? 0.99

00:19:11.000 I do the whip. 1.00

00:19:12.000 I do the nay-nay.

00:19:14.000 What is that?

00:19:14.000 It's the new dance craze.

00:19:16.000 Oh, are you whipping and nay-naying? 0.99

00:19:17.000 Yeah.

00:19:18.000 Do you know what it means? 0.58

00:19:19.000 It means when you break your leg and you have a cast on and you take off the cast and it stinks like the stinky leg.

00:19:24.000 That's what it means.

00:19:25.000 Get out of here.

00:19:27.000 All the kids are going crazy.

00:19:28.000 What? 0.97

00:19:28.000 You haven't heard of stinky leg? 0.97

00:19:30.000 What do you do?

00:19:31.000 You're not even on the mic and you're not making any sense.

00:19:33.000 Go put the AC on and come back and formulate your thoughts while you're out there.

00:19:38.000 That's Brian.

00:19:39.000 Two hits in.

00:19:39.000 That's what happens.

00:19:40.000 Two hits in.

00:19:41.000 He forgets.

00:19:42.000 He just doesn't make sense to anybody but him.

00:19:44.000 To him, it's totally making sense.

00:19:46.000 This is so fun, dude.

00:19:47.000 Thanks, buddy.

00:19:48.000 Nice studio.

00:19:49.000 Glad to be on the show.

00:19:51.000 It's comfortable, right?

00:19:51.000 For the first time.

00:19:52.000 Finally.

00:19:53.000 Dude, I've been asking.

00:19:54.000 You keep saying no.

00:19:56.000 Well, you know.

00:19:57.000 That's not true.

00:20:00.000 I'm just happy to be here, dude.

00:20:01.000 I'm happy to have you here, man.

00:20:03.000 It's good to see you.

00:20:03.000 We've been friends a long time.

00:20:05.000 Long fucking time. 0.98

00:20:06.000 Back before you were Jeff Ross. 0.99

00:20:07.000 That's right.

00:20:07.000 I knew you with your different nom de pleur.

00:20:09.000 Liff Schultz.

00:20:10.000 Yes.

00:20:11.000 Back in the...

00:20:11.000 What made you change it to Ross?

00:20:13.000 Enough?

00:20:16.000 Well...

00:20:16.000 Technically, Ross is...

00:20:17.000 Well, Ross is my middle name, and I'm still Jeff Liff Schultz.

00:20:20.000 Like on your driver's license?

00:20:22.000 Certain things. 0.99

00:20:22.000 Taxes and shit. 0.99

00:20:24.000 And... 1.00

00:20:24.000 I was on Star Search. 1.00

00:20:28.000 That's why you changed it?

00:20:29.000 And Ed McMahon kept mispronouncing my name.

00:20:32.000 It was my first time on TV, and I was so...

00:20:34.000 It just threw me.

00:20:35.000 I was so new.

00:20:36.000 I didn't know...

00:20:37.000 I just couldn't handle...

00:20:38.000 Please welcome your challenger, Jeff Lipschitz.

00:20:41.000 And I just...

00:20:42.000 I'd come out for my three minutes, like, all frazzled.

00:20:45.000 Trying to make my family proud.

00:20:46.000 I'd never been on TV. So now their name's wrong, you know.

00:20:50.000 And they also had to use a smaller font on the screen when they introduced me, and it made me crazy.

00:20:54.000 Jeff Lifshultz.

00:20:55.000 It took up the whole...

00:20:56.000 Oh, right.

00:20:57.000 So on the flight home, after I lost, I said, I gotta do something.

00:21:00.000 And I just started using my middle name, Ross.

00:21:03.000 Named after my great-grandmother, Rose Lifshultz, who was the greatest caterer in New Jersey.

00:21:08.000 It all comes full circle.

00:21:10.000 Well, it's good too because it's the same letters, Jeff Ross, the same amount of letters, four and four.

00:21:16.000 Bam! 0.98

00:21:17.000 And that only started solid.

00:21:18.000 Yeah, it feels good.

00:21:20.000 Solid.

00:21:21.000 I like it.

00:21:22.000 Hey man, it works.

00:21:23.000 And by the way, when I was bad when I was a kid, they called me that anyway.

00:21:27.000 Jeffrey Ross, come over here.

00:21:28.000 Oh, really?

00:21:29.000 Yeah.

00:21:29.000 Oh, well, that's perfect then.

00:21:31.000 Yeah.

00:21:31.000 What made you decide to do this thing in a prison?

00:21:33.000 Because that was a fucking risky, ballsy move. 0.99

00:21:35.000 You know, we talked about it. 0.99

00:21:37.000 Like, Paul Rodriguez had a special that he did in a prison.

00:21:41.000 But, quite honestly, he looked a little nervous.

00:21:43.000 It was back in the day.

00:21:45.000 Looked a little nervous.

00:21:46.000 This was many years ago.

00:21:47.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 He did an HBO special.

00:21:49.000 Live from a prison.

00:21:50.000 So that's your critique?

00:21:51.000 That he looked nervous in a prison?

00:21:52.000 Of course.

00:21:54.000 Because you didn't look nervous.

00:21:55.000 Oh, well. 0.99

00:21:56.000 You didn't watch carefully enough because I was fucking nervous. 0.99

00:21:59.000 I can hear myself stuttering and I can see myself shaking. 0.99

00:22:03.000 But you were pretty remarkably relaxed for the fact that you were roasting prisoners.

00:22:09.000 I mean, you were having fun with it, man.

00:22:11.000 It was fun.

00:22:12.000 And you even speed roasted them on stage. 1.00

00:22:14.000 So you turned your back to these fucking guys. 1.00

00:22:16.000 Like, did you know who they were or what they did? 1.00

00:22:19.000 No.

00:22:19.000 You had no idea.

00:22:21.000 No, but I thought it would be disrespectful not to do it like I'd do a normal show.

00:22:26.000 Right.

00:22:27.000 No, you did it perfect.

00:22:27.000 So I didn't know a lot about them.

00:22:28.000 I just tried to be in the moment and learn about them as I went along.

00:22:33.000 And I learned a lot.

00:22:34.000 Well, you wrote something.

00:22:36.000 Was it for HuffPost?

00:22:37.000 Is that what you wrote it for?

00:22:37.000 Yeah.

00:22:38.000 And I read it and then I retweeted it because it was fucking really powerful, man. 0.82

00:22:42.000 That's one of the things about... 0.95

00:22:44.000 I went to a Texas jail to roast the inmates to hear what I learned about incarceration in America. 0.99

00:22:49.000 And then in the corner is a girl with her ass up in there. 1.00

00:22:51.000 But it's also it wasn't just that it wasn't just this this article too, but also the little pieces that you had In the videos where you had like the stats like one and out of every 100 Americans is in jail And then there's more black men in jail right now than there were slaves in the 1800s fucking a man It's an emergency. 0.99

00:23:15.000 It's an embarrassment to America when you think about that. 0.80

00:23:18.000 If that many people are in jail and, you know...

00:23:22.000 It is.

00:23:23.000 The one good piece of positive news I saw is that they're commuting some sentences of non-violent drug offenders.

00:23:30.000 You know, it'll only be in the hundreds that...

00:23:32.000 65 so far, Obama's done.

00:23:35.000 Or what I saw the other day in one article, at least.

00:23:38.000 Yeah, it's old enough.

00:23:39.000 Maybe there's some hope that...

00:23:40.000 I don't know.

00:23:41.000 I do feel like...

00:23:43.000 The roast helped people talk about it in a way that is a little more accessible because it wasn't something I knew a lot about.

00:23:50.000 And as I started writing, I really just wanted to roast criminals.

00:23:53.000 I thought it'd be funny.

00:23:54.000 And as I started writing the act, I did a stand-up act for months just to acclimate myself and have an act that would kill in front of people that are locked up right now.

00:24:07.000 I learned so much, and that's what...

00:24:10.000 I think is the greater good for me is that not only did I make them laugh, but I got something out of it, too.

00:24:17.000 I mean, it's embarrassing that we have more people locked up in America than anywhere else in the world.

00:24:22.000 And we're supposed to be a free country.

00:24:24.000 And the reasons why they're locked up. 0.98

00:24:27.000 That's what's fucked up. 0.99

00:24:28.000 And also, the idea that someone in this world can't fuck up. 0.99

00:24:32.000 You can't make a mistake. 0.98

00:24:34.000 And if you do make a mistake, then you get locked in a cage.

00:24:37.000 Especially a mistake if you're thinking about someone who's coming from a really poor background.

00:24:40.000 Who needed money, took a chance, and sold some drugs.

00:24:44.000 And that's it.

00:24:45.000 And then you're locked in a cage.

00:24:46.000 And I'm sure a lot of the people that you were talking to, a lot of people that you were looking at, they were in there for some sort of non-violent drug crime.

00:24:54.000 That's right.

00:24:55.000 That's a big percentage of our prison population.

00:24:58.000 When we were in the parking lot of the Comedy Store, we had that conversation about it.

00:25:03.000 It's pretty obvious that it...

00:25:05.000 I don't know if it changed...

00:25:07.000 Could I say it changed you?

00:25:08.000 Or it certainly affected you in a big way, man.

00:25:11.000 You were really taken aback by it.

00:25:14.000 And just the sheer numbers and the experience itself.

00:25:18.000 Everybody in there is a human being.

00:25:20.000 You know, you look at those orange jumpsuits on the news or on lockup, and people are just getting tossed around and pushed around.

00:25:27.000 There's parts of jails that even I didn't get to shoot in.

00:25:31.000 You know, there's...

00:25:32.000 In the 70s, hundreds of thousands of beds in mental hospitals just closed down.

00:25:38.000 That's the way we run mental illness in America changed in the 70s.

00:25:43.000 So now the jails have become... 0.70

00:25:47.000 De facto mental hospitals and these jailers have to babysit people that are crazy.

00:25:53.000 And that's not what the job is.

00:25:55.000 And these places become very complicated to run.

00:25:59.000 And we just lock these people away.

00:26:02.000 They come back over and over and over like human dust.

00:26:05.000 We forget about them.

00:26:06.000 If we lock them, we put them over there.

00:26:08.000 We don't have to think about them. 0.97

00:26:09.000 But the food sucks. 0.99

00:26:11.000 Solitary confinement is barbaric. 0.98

00:26:14.000 You know, we should just sort of be talking about...

00:26:18.000 That should be the biggest thing they talked about in that Republican.

00:26:20.000 I hardly heard anything about prison reform.

00:26:23.000 Seems to me like this is an emergency.

00:26:25.000 It does seem like that.

00:26:27.000 Did you hear they put Chelsea Manning in solitary because her toothpaste was expired?

00:26:31.000 They can do whatever they want.

00:26:33.000 It's...

00:26:33.000 What?

00:26:34.000 I wish I was making that up.

00:26:35.000 Jamie, pull it up.

00:26:36.000 Why?

00:26:36.000 What was the reason for that?

00:26:37.000 You're not supposed to have expired toothpaste.

00:26:40.000 She wasn't brushing her teeth enough.

00:26:42.000 It was just one of those things where they had a violation. 0.99

00:26:45.000 They fucking hate this girl who used to be a guy, if you don't know the whole story. 0.97

00:26:49.000 She is the former artist formerly known as, what was her original name? 0.99

00:26:56.000 Bradley Manning?

00:26:57.000 Yeah, Bradley.

00:26:58.000 And he gave all the files to WikiLeaks.

00:27:02.000 And look at this.

00:27:04.000 WikiLeaks source, Manning convicted over magazines and toothpaste.

00:27:08.000 Well, what does the article say there?

00:27:13.000 Convicted of violating the Espionage Act.

00:27:17.000 Pshh.

00:27:18.000 In prison for providing classified docus.

00:27:21.000 Stop.

00:27:22.000 Guilty on four charges, the inmate tweeted.

00:27:24.000 I'm receiving 21 days of restrictions on recreation.

00:27:27.000 No gym, library, or outdoors, Manning tweeted.

00:27:31.000 Those four charges included medical issue, prohibited property, disorderly conduct, and disrespect.

00:27:38.000 Can't break the rules.

00:27:40.000 Medicine charge came after officials discovered expired tube of toothpaste in her cell. 0.63

00:27:45.000 What?

00:27:45.000 That's the medicine charge.

00:27:48.000 Wow. 1.00

00:27:49.000 So they're just fucking with her. 0.98

00:27:51.000 Contraband came in the form of books and magazines, such as a copy of Vanity Fair magazine featuring Caitlyn Jenner, LOL, and a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine featuring an interview with Manning. 0.96

00:28:02.000 Oh wow, she's not allowed to have an interview with herself.

00:28:04.000 But according to ChelseaManning.org, she received the reading material legally through the prison's open mail system. 0.99

00:28:10.000 Yeah, they're fucking with her, dude. 1.00

00:28:12.000 They're fucking with her. 1.00

00:28:13.000 They can. 1.00

00:28:14.000 They're fucking criminals. 1.00

00:28:15.000 Just lock that person up and take away all their rights, all that's any privacy, any ownership they have over their own body or even what they want to read. 1.00

00:28:29.000 Can you imagine that? 0.99

00:28:29.000 Vanity Fair is fucking contraband. 0.99

00:28:32.000 You can get locked up in solitary for a Vanity Fair. 1.00

00:28:36.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:28:38.000 Sick. 1.00

00:28:38.000 It's sick. 1.00

00:28:40.000 And, you know, look at that whole thing, the way it went down. 1.00

00:28:43.000 That poor guy, Julian Assange, he's still locked up in that fucking... 0.99

00:28:49.000 He's still in that house in the... 0.99

00:28:52.000 What do you call those things?

00:28:54.000 Embassy.

00:28:54.000 He's still in the, who is it?

00:28:55.000 Ecuador's?

00:28:56.000 Ecuador's embassy?

00:28:57.000 Something like that?

00:28:58.000 In London.

00:28:59.000 Like, he can't leave. 1.00

00:28:59.000 If he steps foot out of that building, he's fucked. 1.00

00:29:02.000 So the dude's not getting any vitamin D. He's not going outside. 1.00

00:29:05.000 Super unhealthy.

00:29:06.000 It really is unhealthy.

00:29:08.000 Like, you really need to be outside. 1.00

00:29:11.000 Poor fucker. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Just for the WikiLeaks? 1.00

00:29:29.000 He didn't put a condom a second time, and I don't even know if the woman is pressing charges.

00:29:35.000 I mean, I don't know what's going on, but they were trying to extradite him for that.

00:29:38.000 Like, right!

00:29:39.000 Yeah, that's what you were doing.

00:29:41.000 Yeah, right.

00:29:42.000 Like, that's why this guy's locked up in an embassy.

00:29:44.000 Do you imagine if every time a guy tried to cuddle with a chick and sneak it in without a rubber, that guy would get locked up in an embassy and be holed up there?

00:29:52.000 I'd be the Secretary of State.

00:29:54.000 I'd be at every embassy in the world. 0.98

00:29:57.000 Are you one of those surprise sex enthusiasts?

00:30:01.000 I love slipping it in at 4.30 in the morning. 0.97

00:30:06.000 It's not technically rape. 0.99

00:30:09.000 Because I guess she was asleep, and they had already had sex, and they were, you know, cuddled together in this little spooning-type position, you know, dick to vajayjay right from behind. 0.99

00:30:18.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:30:19.000 I'm just making it up, because I don't really know what happened.

00:30:21.000 Nobody knows what happened. 0.99

00:30:22.000 He says it's all bullshit. 0.98

00:30:24.000 But the idea that they got this guy locked up for that, and that's why they... 0.99

00:30:28.000 No, it's not!

00:30:29.000 It's WikiLeaks! 1.00

00:30:30.000 It's the fucking information they released! 1.00

00:30:32.000 That's what they're trying to get him on a loophole, and we all know it. 1.00

00:30:35.000 It's going on right in front of our eyes. 0.99

00:30:37.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:30:38.000 It's just right in front of our eyes. 0.97

00:30:40.000 That Ashley Madison finally got leaked yesterday, so whoever did that, I'm sure is going to be the next one of these guys if they find out who it is.

00:30:48.000 But that could just be a hacker, though.

00:30:50.000 That could just be like the fappening people.

00:30:54.000 They just tap into... 0.99

00:30:55.000 What kind of fucking mass cock-blocking nutjob wants to do that to AshleyMadison.com? 1.00

00:31:02.000 Dudes who aren't getting laid. 1.00

00:31:03.000 They're like, fuck it! 1.00

00:31:04.000 If I'm not getting laid, nobody's getting laid! 1.00

00:31:07.000 Such a dick! 1.00

00:31:08.000 Yeah, it's out. 1.00

00:31:09.000 I saw it too.

00:31:10.000 And what's scary is that not only does it have all the names, it has all the information.

00:31:14.000 So they leaked the credit card information, they leaked everything.

00:31:18.000 Did they leak who they had sex with?

00:31:20.000 Or who they think they had sex with?

00:31:21.000 Yeah, because you make an appointment with the other person.

00:31:23.000 So there's everything in there.

00:31:26.000 Make an appointment.

00:31:28.000 You're pretty much buying an escort.

00:31:30.000 But it's not an escort, it's a person.

00:31:32.000 You're using a service.

00:31:33.000 Did you hear about that Uber for Escort app that they have in Germany?

00:31:37.000 And they're like an Uber for Escorts. 1.00

00:31:39.000 It's like using Uber, except you have the escorts, you just fucking look at your phone, you say, hey, I want to get my dick sucked. 1.00

00:31:47.000 And you put the thing up there, and then... 1.00

00:31:49.000 Really?

00:31:50.000 Yeah.

00:31:50.000 Uber?

00:31:51.000 Debbie's on her way over, you know?

00:31:53.000 That's great.

00:31:53.000 Uber.

00:31:54.000 Yeah. 0.75

00:31:55.000 That was hilarious when you called out the lesbian in the crowd for looking exactly like Justin Bieber. 1.00

00:32:02.000 It was perfect. 0.95

00:32:03.000 In the women's jail? 0.99

00:32:04.000 Yeah, the women's jail was an interesting one, man, because they fucking laughed hard. 1.00

00:32:09.000 They laughed hard. 0.99

00:32:10.000 They needed it.

00:32:11.000 They did need it.

00:32:11.000 They needed it in a whole nother way than the guys.

00:32:15.000 What did it feel like?

00:32:16.000 What is the difference between, what does a women's jail feel like as opposed to a men's jail? 0.76

00:32:19.000 Because you don't feel it's like physically threatened, right?

00:32:22.000 It's a little bit, a little bit, right?

00:32:24.000 No, I mean, it was fine.

00:32:27.000 But I wasn't thinking about my own safety.

00:32:29.000 I was more thinking about how to make this the most like a night...

00:32:33.000 My instincts were to make it like a nightclub.

00:32:36.000 Treat the women as women, not as inmates.

00:32:39.000 Right.

00:32:39.000 And make it the same way I would at a comedy club.

00:32:43.000 And that's what I did.

00:32:44.000 And they were shrieking with delight because no one had spoke to them as women.

00:32:48.000 They're always just yelled at and ordered around and...

00:32:51.000 And that came through, that they really needed a laugh and to just be girls, women, ladies for an hour.

00:32:59.000 And they wound up being so great.

00:33:02.000 It was a warm-up for me for the next night when I did two shows for the guys.

00:33:06.000 Oh, so you did the ladies first? 0.90

00:33:07.000 Yeah.

00:33:08.000 And you said you had a real hard time trying to find prisons that would let you do this.

00:33:13.000 Yeah.

00:33:14.000 We reached out to 150 or so until finally we found one in Texas.

00:33:21.000 One?

00:33:21.000 One.

00:33:22.000 Wow.

00:33:24.000 And whose decision?

00:33:25.000 Is the warden's decision?

00:33:26.000 There's a few people who have to agree.

00:33:29.000 Wayne Dickey is the jail administrator at Brazos County Jail and he stepped up and had confidence in his institution and his facility and he wanted to He wanted everyone to see his staff and how great they were and to see how his inmate behavioral programs worked,

00:33:48.000 where he incentivizes the inmates.

00:33:50.000 How does that work?

00:33:51.000 In good behavior, and they get rewards.

00:33:53.000 If you do your time without messing up, there are huge rewards.

00:33:58.000 And one of them was coming to see me.

00:33:59.000 These guys had to behave for one month in order to see my show.

00:34:03.000 Oh.

00:34:04.000 And...

00:34:06.000 I took that as a huge compliment that so many people did that.

00:34:10.000 Not everybody, but most of the jail, more than half, came to my shows.

00:34:15.000 And they were appreciative, and I felt that too.

00:34:20.000 That's why the show came off, because not only were they good sports, but they knew what they were signing up for ahead of time, because they had a month's notice that I was coming there to roast them.

00:34:32.000 And there were posters around the jail that said, you know, if you can laugh at yourself, you're one step closer to freedom.

00:34:38.000 And they came.

00:34:40.000 And when I asked for volunteers, guys were running down from the balcony.

00:34:43.000 They're not allowed to even be in the same room.

00:34:45.000 It was a communal experience for the different sects and gangs and types of people, you know.

00:34:52.000 It was all dudes and squeezed into this one room.

00:34:56.000 With the most dangerous closer to the stage by the door and the least dangerous packed into the rafters.

00:35:03.000 Wow.

00:35:03.000 So if there was a problem, they could handle it.

00:35:06.000 The jailers could handle it.

00:35:08.000 It was very calculated as far as the safety of how it would go down.

00:35:13.000 Did you get your front kick ready?

00:35:14.000 I was in it, man.

00:35:17.000 I didn't want anybody near the stage.

00:35:19.000 I wanted it to be the most like a comedy club I could make it for them.

00:35:25.000 So that was the only time that they were ever jammed into a room like that?

00:35:28.000 Yeah.

00:35:29.000 And, you know, that's a real security concern.

00:35:32.000 That takes quite a bit of planning to take five, six pods of dudes and put them in one room. 0.73

00:35:38.000 They can overpower the jailers.

00:35:40.000 They could overdo whatever they want.

00:35:42.000 There's cameras in there.

00:35:43.000 I'm in there.

00:35:44.000 So there was a huge trust factor that went on between the jailers and the inmates, myself and my crew. 1.00

00:35:52.000 So what kind of security did they have in place in case this shit hit the fan? 0.99

00:35:55.000 I did ask about my security if I had any special person or way out and they said absolutely not. 0.99

00:36:03.000 Which I couldn't believe.

00:36:05.000 At first I think I took them off guard.

00:36:07.000 They just didn't get to that.

00:36:08.000 But their assumption was beyond me was there will not be any problems.

00:36:13.000 So, I am no more special than anyone else in that room, the way they set it up.

00:36:18.000 Which I respected.

00:36:19.000 There was not gonna be a problem.

00:36:22.000 Where did you come up with this idea and what made you decide to film a special this way?

00:36:28.000 Well, I wanted to make it purposeful.

00:36:33.000 I wanted to learn something.

00:36:35.000 I wanted to initially think of the funniest thing, which would be crime in America.

00:36:43.000 And I talk to a lot of people.

00:36:45.000 I'm friends with Tony Hinchcliffe, Mike Ferrucci, George Reinblatt, my cousin Ed Larson. 0.98

00:36:52.000 We just brainstormed and tried to think of the funniest, craziest shit we could do. 0.99

00:36:57.000 And somehow roasting criminals... 1.00

00:37:19.000 That's my specialty.

00:37:23.000 I love that.

00:37:25.000 To me, it's like a corporate gig, you know?

00:37:27.000 You're writing a special act for a certain night, then you're never going to do it again.

00:37:31.000 Right, right.

00:37:32.000 And I love that.

00:37:32.000 It's a roast.

00:37:34.000 So that's what you like about roasts.

00:37:35.000 You like preparing for roasts.

00:37:36.000 Like, I've seen you at the club, the improv in the store, getting ready, pages and notes.

00:37:42.000 Like, you like the whole event.

00:37:44.000 Like, there's an event coming up.

00:37:46.000 I like the writing.

00:37:47.000 The event is the payoff, but you have to enjoy the process.

00:37:53.000 And I like writing the jokes.

00:37:55.000 So you just like a subject to focus on?

00:37:58.000 Yeah.

00:38:01.000 I like that.

00:38:02.000 Something that I'm interested in or curious about or a fan of...

00:38:06.000 You know, it's got to be something meaty, you know?

00:38:09.000 I mean, I can riff if I don't, but if I'm invested in it somehow, like, with the jail, I thought, like, how did I, like, smoke so much pot and have so much fun in my life and never get in real trouble?

00:38:20.000 I sold weed in high school.

00:38:21.000 Like, this could have been me.

00:38:23.000 You know, this could have been me.

00:38:25.000 So I got curious.

00:38:27.000 And as I get personally curious and invested in something, I can start to see, find the hypocrisies that go into it and how the humanity can be lifted out of it.

00:38:39.000 And I started to see that this is a sad place, and it's kind of like doing a USO tour.

00:38:44.000 And I told that to the jailers when I met with them.

00:38:46.000 I had to go down there and ask permission a couple times.

00:38:50.000 And they had to trust me, you know, that I wasn't there to humiliate anybody or expose anything that was not just...

00:38:58.000 I don't know.

00:38:59.000 I didn't have an agenda.

00:39:00.000 I was going to make it real.

00:39:02.000 I was really just going to go there and see if people had a sense of humor.

00:39:06.000 It was simple.

00:39:07.000 And as I got into it, I realized how lucky I am that I never got in real trouble, that I never got busted for anything, and that if I had, I'm not sure I would have survived.

00:39:19.000 Well, especially if you were selling pot.

00:39:21.000 Right.

00:39:22.000 If you were selling pot, you could have got caught, and you also could have got talked into selling more pot.

00:39:26.000 Have you ever heard of those stories?

00:39:28.000 Like DEA agents go undercover, and they'll talk a kid into, like, listen, I'm going to put a deal together, you know, if you're a part of this.

00:39:35.000 There was a story that they did in Rolling Stone about a DEA undercover agent who talked this kid into a big cocaine deal that wasn't real.

00:39:44.000 It wasn't real.

00:39:45.000 There was no real cocaine.

00:39:46.000 But he talked this kid into selling it, and this kid's in jail for life now.

00:39:50.000 The kid was just a low-level dealer.

00:39:52.000 He was selling, you know, a little bit here, a little bit there, nothing big.

00:39:55.000 And this DEA guy essentially talked him into doing some gigantic deal that put him in jail for 25 to life.

00:40:03.000 And that can happen to anybody! 0.95

00:40:06.000 Look, I've made some big fuck-ups in my life. 1.00

00:40:08.000 I've been an idiot many times in my life. 1.00

00:40:12.000 I don't know a single person who hasn't made mistakes. 1.00

00:40:15.000 We all make mistakes.

00:40:16.000 But it's whatever the environment is that you're growing up in, dictate how bad your situation is, whatever you were exposed to, and that might be a factor in the level of your mistake. 0.77

00:40:28.000 So the dumb mistakes that I made were the pretty... 0.96

00:40:32.000 Uneventful childhood. 0.99

00:40:33.000 Nothing too serious.

00:40:35.000 Good parents.

00:40:36.000 Nice folks.

00:40:37.000 My mom's a sweet person.

00:40:38.000 You know, love my sister.

00:40:40.000 It's like pretty easy life.

00:40:42.000 Growing up in Newton, Massachusetts.

00:40:44.000 Not hard.

00:40:46.000 Not hard at all.

00:40:47.000 Imagine... 0.99

00:40:49.000 Just a much more chaotic situation with the same person, living in Inglewood, you know, whatever, Watts, Detroit, in some fucking hopeless place where you can't get out, and then next thing you know, you're in fucking jail. 0.97

00:41:02.000 You're in jail, and you're gonna be in jail for five, six years, and during that time, you go from being 21 to 26, and now you're getting out, and you're a fucking, you're a man, and you're a convict, you can't get a fucking job, and you're just trying to figure out how to scratch and survive. 1.00

00:41:17.000 It's fucked. 1.00

00:41:18.000 It's fucked. 1.00

00:41:19.000 You know, it's fucked that there's so many people out there that just don't get a chance or whatever chance you get. 1.00

00:41:24.000 You know, and there's a lot of people go, oh, if you just follow the law, but get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:41:29.000 That's nonsense. 0.98

00:41:30.000 Especially when it comes to selling drugs.

00:41:32.000 It just doesn't make any sense.

00:41:33.000 It doesn't make any sense to these kids.

00:41:35.000 It just doesn't.

00:41:36.000 I saw guys 18, 19, 20 years old, been already been in one, two, three times.

00:41:42.000 Pssh.

00:41:44.000 And imagine what their parents are like.

00:41:46.000 Imagine what their neighborhood was like.

00:41:48.000 Imagine what their uncle was like. 0.99

00:41:49.000 Whatever the fuck they encountered from the time they were a baby to the time they were a prisoner. 1.00

00:41:54.000 And then the fucked up thing is you just become kind of a human battery. 1.00

00:41:58.000 Because all you do is you generate money for private prisons. 0.98

00:42:01.000 Every one person that goes into those private prisons is worth a certain amount of money for those companies.

00:42:06.000 And they sell that.

00:42:08.000 That's their business.

00:42:09.000 Their business is making money, extracting money out of prisoners.

00:42:14.000 And there's a whole system that's involved in doing it.

00:42:16.000 All the way from the guards.

00:42:18.000 The guard unions make sure that they keep certain drugs illegal and make sure that certain laws stay on the books and certain penalties are still in place. 1.00

00:42:26.000 It's fucked, man. 1.00

00:42:27.000 It's fucked. 1.00

00:42:29.000 You know, I had this guy on the other day we were talking about, and he was saying that one of the only things that, like, keeps it from getting even worse is that the private prisons and the guard unions don't get along. 1.00

00:42:38.000 Like, the guards want certain things that the prisons don't, because the prisons don't want to pay the guards, so there's a fucking, there's a little internal struggle.

00:42:45.000 But if they worked together, it would be even worse. 0.96

00:42:47.000 Hmm.

00:42:49.000 Terrible.

00:42:50.000 You could have been a prisoner. 1.00

00:42:51.000 You could have totally fucked up, huh? 1.00

00:42:52.000 I was in prison. 1.00

00:42:53.000 Or jail.

00:42:55.000 That's where I learned what Hooch was.

00:42:56.000 Well, you went to jail for something you didn't even do. 0.98

00:42:59.000 You are, out of all the dudes that I've ever met, out of all the guys that I've ever met who have run across crazy women that get really fucking angry at you when you break up. 0.99

00:43:10.000 Every fucking girl you've ever dated since I've been friends with you, they get furious at you when it's over. 1.00

00:43:16.000 Well, they want to kill you. 1.00

00:43:17.000 I've seen it in person. 0.97

00:43:19.000 It's not just, granted, you inspire that in some men as well.

00:43:26.000 I just... 1.00

00:43:27.000 Date those crazy bitches. 1.00

00:43:29.000 I don't know what... 1.00

00:43:30.000 Like, I really...

00:43:32.000 I think I'm...

00:43:34.000 Whatever...

00:43:35.000 My attraction, my smell that I like on women is ones that are more entertaining than boring, I guess.

00:43:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:43.000 Well, you like those dirty girls, too. 1.00

00:43:45.000 A lot of times, dirty girls that are involved in naked things. 1.00

00:43:49.000 Those girls are wilder. 1.00

00:43:51.000 They're more fun.

00:43:51.000 You know?

00:43:52.000 I was thinking, like, I want to meet a girl that, like, every time she goes to Vegas to hang out with her friends, like, that she sends me a photo that I'm not looking at the wallpaper and then comparing it to, like, Dan Blitzerin's Instagram photos, you know?

00:44:05.000 Like, I'm like, wait a second, it looks like the same cup on his nightstand as...

00:44:09.000 Dan Bilzerian.

00:44:10.000 Yeah, whatever.

00:44:11.000 I just found out about that guy.

00:44:12.000 What?

00:44:13.000 I'm, like, the last person.

00:44:14.000 I just went to his Instagram and was like, wait, this is what everyone's been talking about?

00:44:18.000 That's amazing.

00:44:19.000 That dude...

00:44:19.000 He's made millions of dollars playing poker.

00:44:22.000 Apparently more than $100 million playing poker.

00:44:24.000 But he got all his money from his dad, too.

00:44:26.000 His dad was some famous character, so he's been rich his whole life. 0.99

00:44:31.000 Doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:44:33.000 He looks like he has a lot of fun. 1.00

00:44:35.000 Jamie, where's those nitros?

00:44:37.000 Give me some of those nitros. 0.95

00:44:38.000 Nitros?

00:44:39.000 Poppers?

00:44:40.000 No.

00:44:42.000 Nitro coffee.

00:44:43.000 Caveman coffee.

00:44:44.000 Those nitrogenated cold brewed coffees.

00:44:47.000 I'm addicted to those little things.

00:44:48.000 I'm drinking right now.

00:44:49.000 They're awesome.

00:44:50.000 You ever have one?

00:44:50.000 Do you drink coffee?

00:44:51.000 Sure.

00:44:52.000 Get one for Mr. Ross.

00:44:53.000 Mr. Ross would like a night...

00:44:55.000 What? 1.00

00:44:56.000 Because you've been drinking them, you fuck! 1.00

00:44:59.000 Fucking Jamie. 1.00

00:45:00.000 He drank all of them. 1.00

00:45:02.000 I had three of those, you fucking savage. 1.00

00:45:04.000 Give him the real one and get me a bottle of water. 1.00

00:45:08.000 No, no, no, it's okay. 1.00

00:45:09.000 That other stuff's the same shit. 1.00

00:45:11.000 Just fucking around. 1.00

00:45:12.000 He does drink them every day, though, the savage. 1.00

00:45:14.000 You gotta order some.

00:45:15.000 Come on, Jamie.

00:45:16.000 If you're gonna drink them every day, you gotta order them, okay? 1.00

00:45:18.000 You fucking animal. 1.00

00:45:19.000 Thank you, sir. 1.00

00:45:21.000 Do we have any cold waters in there? 0.97

00:45:24.000 What did you think about the whole fat Jewish thing? 1.00

00:45:27.000 Yeah, that's what we were talking about actually before the show.

00:45:32.000 You were saying that you think that the networks need to loosen up and the internet needs to tighten up.

00:45:36.000 What did you mean by that?

00:45:37.000 Oh, I was just saying...

00:45:40.000 I was just talking off the cuff, but...

00:45:43.000 Thanks, buddy.

00:45:44.000 You know, we're talking about this guy who goes by the Fat Jewish on Instagram, and I would follow him, and I'd see funny stuff on there, so I kind of knew about him.

00:45:54.000 I didn't know a lot about how he collected his material.

00:45:57.000 I guess I didn't think about it.

00:45:58.000 Like, most of the five million people who follow him, they don't care.

00:46:03.000 They just want to laugh.

00:46:04.000 They're not thinking about anything, you know?

00:46:07.000 And then I started to see that...

00:46:10.000 He was collecting whatever he thought was funny.

00:46:13.000 I'm not sure.

00:46:13.000 I don't know a lot about it.

00:46:14.000 He was cropping people's names out.

00:46:17.000 He wasn't just collecting things.

00:46:18.000 He was actively trying to make sure that he didn't show who created it and he just put it on his page so he didn't give credit to the people that made it.

00:46:26.000 That's what the big problem was.

00:46:28.000 Everybody retweets things.

00:46:29.000 You retweet things.

00:46:30.000 I retweet.

00:46:30.000 You do.

00:46:31.000 One of our friends says something funny.

00:46:33.000 It helps them when you retweet it.

00:46:35.000 And it shows, first of all, it entertains the people that get to read it on your Twitter feed, and it gives that person the credit.

00:46:41.000 It's a great thing.

00:46:42.000 There's nothing wrong with retweeting.

00:46:44.000 I think if he did that, he would have the same amount of people.

00:46:46.000 If he really was a true aggregator, like HuffPost.

00:46:49.000 They credit everybody that they use.

00:46:51.000 Yeah, but Hoppost is an aggregator.

00:46:54.000 The internet, my entire career, I've never made money off all the millions of clips that are out there, millions of views, and people are always shooting comedians.

00:47:03.000 Comedians get annoyed.

00:47:06.000 You see a lot of comedians want to shut down phones at their shows because they don't want their half-written jokes on the internet, or they don't want the...

00:47:14.000 They're fans to see their material without having to pay for it, either live at a show or buying their specials online.

00:47:23.000 And TV seems restricted all the time.

00:47:27.000 So maybe...

00:47:28.000 What do you mean by TV is restricted all the time?

00:47:30.000 Well, you know, networks are trying to be edgier, but there's still bleeps, and there's still censorship, and there's all sorts of regulations.

00:47:41.000 But with the internet, everyone always explained it as a wild, wild west.

00:47:45.000 You know, you could just do whatever you want.

00:47:46.000 Like, all the time you'll see people will make videos and compreels, and they'll edit famous movies, and you just use whatever footage, and no one ever cares.

00:47:55.000 Then now people are starting to care a little bit.

00:47:57.000 They're looking for ways the last five, ten years to monetize the Internet.

00:48:01.000 And to me, it's coming very close to being how we watch everything.

00:48:05.000 I hardly ever watch TV anymore.

00:48:09.000 And when I do, it's a big live event.

00:48:13.000 They're just all starting to become...

00:48:15.000 There's no more the Internet.

00:48:16.000 There's no more TV. It's just...

00:48:18.000 Programming and it's different brands and you go to those brands So I go at some point the regulations for the internet and television should be the same and they should be they should get together and it should just be Do you mean as a set of standards for now on but what do you mean by standards?

00:48:34.000 Do you mean as far as the music rights and how it all goes down and the stuff we have to you know the I'm in the Writers Guild.

00:49:00.000 I don't know.

00:49:01.000 I mean, it's all the same now at this point, and I feel like the internet needs to step it up, and they should be crediting stuff and paying for rights, and to some extent I think it's happening, and I think that's good.

00:49:15.000 I think you're right.

00:49:16.000 I think for a long time it was innocent, you know?

00:49:19.000 Like someone would post a funny meme on their Instagram and no one cared because it was just people being funny.

00:49:25.000 Like, oh, this guy's funny.

00:49:26.000 But then, when people started making a lot of money off of it, then you realize, well, what made that guy famous?

00:49:32.000 He's just an aggregator.

00:49:34.000 All he's doing is collecting all the shit that's online and instead of the actual writers of each one of those individual bits getting some credit, All the credit's going to him. 0.76

00:49:44.000 So now what he's doing, what this guy who calls himself the Fat Jewish is doing, is he just puts the guy's name at the end, or the girl's name at the end. 0.90

00:49:52.000 So he steals their picture, puts it up on his site, and instead of saying, this picture was made by Jeff Ross, the real Jeff Ross, it now just has...

00:50:02.000 Just a tag, you know, at, and then whoever's name it is, with no mention of where, you know, like, that this person created this originally.

00:50:10.000 It just, it just throws their name up there. 0.98

00:50:12.000 Which is stupid. 0.98

00:50:13.000 Like, all you have to do is, this hilarious meme was created by, boom! 1.00

00:50:17.000 And then that person gets credit, that person probably happy, they'll get a shitload of fucking people will come to visit them, and sign up, and follows. 0.87

00:50:24.000 He's not doing that.

00:50:25.000 And I did notice he sort of does it at the end of whatever the new comment is, so it almost looks like the person he wants to give credit to is actually giving credit for the comment, not the picture.

00:50:37.000 In some ways.

00:50:37.000 In some ways, yeah.

00:50:39.000 It's just not open, you know?

00:50:42.000 It's just like it's reluctant.

00:50:44.000 It's a reluctant comment.

00:50:46.000 Credit at the end.

00:50:47.000 What else is he?

00:50:48.000 Is he funny?

00:50:49.000 I haven't seen...

00:50:49.000 I don't know.

00:50:50.000 I mean, he's a good marketer, obviously.

00:50:52.000 He's really smart at putting it all together.

00:50:54.000 He's not, by the way, he's not even giving proper credit.

00:50:58.000 On a lot of them, I've noticed.

00:51:01.000 He's saying that that person made this, but then you go to their account and they don't have that on their Instagram.

00:51:10.000 There's a few instances where he's crediting these people that didn't make it and aren't even active.

00:51:18.000 Hasn't even used their Instagram for like 12 months.

00:51:20.000 And it was just like, if you go through all his photos, it has nothing to do with what he, like why he credited.

00:51:26.000 So it's weird.

00:51:27.000 Why do you think he's doing that?

00:51:29.000 What the internet is saying, allegedly.

00:51:32.000 I gotta protect myself.

00:51:33.000 I talked to my lawyer yesterday about all this.

00:51:35.000 Did you really?

00:51:35.000 Yeah.

00:51:36.000 Why?

00:51:36.000 Just because I don't want to get in trouble or anything like that.

00:51:40.000 You know, when you have somebody that's Jewish, the first thing you think that you're going to get sued if you talk about it.

00:51:45.000 How dare you, Jeff?

00:51:46.000 Jeff, as a lip schultz, how do you sit next to this guy?

00:51:49.000 Just kidding. 1.00

00:51:50.000 Goddamn anti-Semite. 1.00

00:51:51.000 He's German, you know. 1.00

00:51:52.000 No, I'm Irish.

00:51:54.000 Brian Rochelle. 1.00

00:51:55.000 No, you wrote on your page, this fat German is going after this fat Jew. 1.00

00:52:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:52:01.000 But, now what was I talking about?

00:52:07.000 You tell me.

00:52:08.000 I don't know.

00:52:08.000 What was I talking about?

00:52:09.000 Who cares?

00:52:13.000 You were talking about him not giving credit.

00:52:15.000 What the internet is saying is that he has these interns supposedly that are half the accounts that he credits.

00:52:24.000 So he has his intern take it from somebody else and put it on his account and then he credits his intern.

00:52:30.000 So that it's still in the family.

00:52:34.000 It's kind of like a loophole.

00:52:36.000 That's a big allegedly.

00:52:37.000 You don't have any information about that.

00:52:40.000 What is the internet?

00:52:41.000 Which forum are you going to?

00:52:42.000 There's a Reddit forum.

00:52:44.000 I think both of them are on Reddit.

00:52:47.000 And there's another website that's doing it also.

00:52:49.000 But if you just Google him, there's a lot of message boards that have been talking about him for years and breaking down everything he's stolen.

00:52:57.000 And it's very interesting.

00:53:00.000 Doesn't he call himself a curator or something on his Instagram page?

00:53:03.000 Isn't he sort of saying, this is what I do?

00:53:06.000 Is that what he's saying?

00:53:07.000 I don't know.

00:53:08.000 I don't know.

00:53:09.000 We should say, though, because somebody posted this yesterday, that we were talking about that girl.

00:53:15.000 She's really funny.

00:53:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:18.000 We were saying, what was her name again?

00:53:20.000 Pistol Sherman?

00:53:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:22.000 Yeah.

00:53:24.000 People said that she has misappropriated people's stuff as well.

00:53:30.000 I don't know how that works, though.

00:53:32.000 Yeah.

00:53:33.000 I don't know if it's true or not.

00:53:34.000 I think she's kind of admitting that she has definitely put some stuff up that somebody sent her that she thought was funny.

00:53:42.000 But I think she said 80% of the stuff is hers.

00:53:46.000 But you know what I mean?

00:53:47.000 A lot of people, they're just finding memes that are funny and they put them on their page.

00:53:50.000 It's kind of innocent in some ways, right?

00:53:53.000 That's what I mean.

00:53:53.000 The internet is, I don't know, it's for amateurs or something still.

00:53:56.000 We've got to figure out how to make it.

00:53:57.000 But how do you, I mean, Brian, rather, did a great job of actually finding the original image and finding the time the original image was posted in the day.

00:54:18.000 Mm-hmm.

00:54:22.000 Yeah, it kind of sucks because if we want regulations, if we want to change how it is now, what's going to happen is it's like when you have a YouTube video and it detects that there's copyright material in it.

00:54:35.000 So now anytime we want to post like a photo on our Facebook or tweet something, we're going to have like a block and we kind of don't want that. 0.99

00:54:42.000 You can't fuck with the internet, man. 0.99

00:54:45.000 They find you. 1.00

00:54:46.000 They find you. 1.00

00:54:47.000 When you try to sell them a plate of bullshit, people find you. 1.00

00:54:51.000 They just figure it out. 1.00

00:54:53.000 You can't get away with it.

00:54:54.000 You just can't.

00:54:55.000 Do you see the Asprey thing?

00:54:58.000 Look at this.

00:54:59.000 Dave Asprey put up a photo.

00:55:02.000 Oh yes, of his stomach?

00:55:04.000 Of a fake photo, stock photo of someone else's abs shredded and said, you know, this is my stomach after 4,500 calories a day and no working out.

00:55:15.000 And it's just a stock photo.

00:55:17.000 It's a stock photo, and he's trying to say that his bulletproof diet gives you that.

00:55:21.000 In his defense, if you click on the link, there's an actual photo of his actual abs that Jamie thinks are photoshopped.

00:55:27.000 Allegedly.

00:55:28.000 Jamie thinks they're allegedly photoshopped.

00:55:29.000 Allegedly.

00:55:30.000 Allegedly.

00:55:31.000 You don't even need to see it.

00:55:32.000 Let's not even pull it up, but it's the same thing.

00:55:34.000 It's the same thing. 1.00

00:55:35.000 You can't fuck with these people. 1.00

00:55:36.000 If you're, you know, blatantly bullshitting and stealing They're gonna find you. 1.00

00:55:42.000 That's gonna find you. 0.61

00:55:43.000 That's really funny though.

00:55:45.000 That he did that?

00:55:46.000 Yeah.

00:55:46.000 I've been working out and just post like...

00:55:48.000 That guy has muscles everywhere.

00:55:50.000 If there was really a way that you can get a body like that guy's without ever working out, you would have to be some sort of a genetic manipulation.

00:55:58.000 You have to be some experiment.

00:56:00.000 That's not just abs.

00:56:01.000 That guy has chest muscles, shoulder muscles.

00:56:04.000 It's a guy that trains probably on a daily basis.

00:56:06.000 The fact that he would put that picture up is just so crazy.

00:56:09.000 That's funny. 0.97

00:56:10.000 He's so crazy. 1.00

00:56:11.000 Just so fucking nuts. 1.00

00:56:14.000 People are out of their goddamn minds. 1.00

00:56:15.000 They really are. 1.00

00:56:16.000 And the internet, you know, it's gonna fucking expose that shit. 1.00

00:56:21.000 It just takes a matter of time. 0.99

00:56:22.000 That's why you gotta go see shows live.

00:56:24.000 Stand-up, you mean?

00:56:25.000 Yeah.

00:56:26.000 I put less jokes on the internet than I used to.

00:56:29.000 I put less jokes on Twitter than I used to because I want my best material for when you come see me live and that's a much more unique and exciting experience.

00:56:38.000 People get mad sometimes if you talk about something on the podcast, even if you bring up the subject and then have a bit about it on stage.

00:56:44.000 Oh, you were talking about that on the podcast.

00:56:46.000 Really? 0.99

00:56:47.000 Do you not want us to talk about funny shit on the podcast? 0.96

00:56:50.000 Can you allow us to come up with ideas spontaneously on the podcast and then talk about them on stage as well? 1.00

00:56:57.000 You fucks. 0.97

00:56:58.000 Yeah, I've done that before. 1.00

00:56:59.000 God damn it. 0.98

00:57:02.000 That's just, you know, they want to know that... 1.00

00:57:05.000 Well, they just want to fucking let you know that they're listening carefully. 0.98

00:57:08.000 I heard you talk about that already! 0.98

00:57:09.000 Don't you think, though, that it's good, though, that they keep you on your toes?

00:57:13.000 I think even with the hypercriticism, you don't want to dive into it. 0.98

00:57:17.000 You don't want to just do a Google search on your name, find out all the people talking shit about you. 0.98

00:57:21.000 It's not good. 0.98

00:57:22.000 But knowing that they're there probably gives you an edge.

00:57:26.000 Keeps you sharp.

00:57:27.000 I can see that.

00:57:28.000 I think so.

00:57:29.000 Keeps you sharp.

00:57:30.000 I try not to read the bad comments.

00:57:32.000 I try to stay away from the haters and stay positive.

00:57:35.000 Well, you try hard, though, and you work hard at what you do.

00:57:38.000 It's not like you're slacking off and someone's coming along and calling you on it. 0.99

00:57:41.000 If they're saying some mean shit, they just don't like you. 0.97

00:57:44.000 They might not like your style. 0.99

00:57:45.000 There's going to be people that like, you know, him or like anybody.

00:57:49.000 You know, they like a certain style, and they don't like your style.

00:57:52.000 Or they do like your style.

00:57:53.000 They don't like somebody else's style.

00:57:55.000 They're not right or wrong.

00:57:56.000 They just have their own taste.

00:57:58.000 No, they're wrong.

00:57:58.000 Everyone likes my style.

00:58:00.000 When you read it, though, some of them are so fucking mean. 0.97

00:58:03.000 And why is that? 0.98

00:58:04.000 I'm just saying, why?

00:58:04.000 You can notice them.

00:58:05.000 Do you block people?

00:58:07.000 Sometimes, yeah.

00:58:08.000 They're just rude and mean.

00:58:10.000 Why would I argue with them?

00:58:13.000 I ignore them.

00:58:14.000 You don't even block them?

00:58:15.000 No, because then they know you saw it.

00:58:16.000 Who cares?

00:58:18.000 Who cares?

00:58:19.000 Why do you care if they know?

00:58:21.000 I just want them to float in the sea and not know.

00:58:24.000 But you did see it. 1.00

00:58:25.000 Yeah, so why acknowledge some piece of shit? 1.00

00:58:28.000 But then you can just keep doing it. 1.00

00:58:30.000 You're going to get Twitter bombed now.

00:58:32.000 Real Jeffrey Ross.

00:58:34.000 Bring it on. 1.00

00:58:35.000 Motherfucker! 1.00

00:58:37.000 I'm ready. 1.00

00:58:38.000 What are you going to tell me? 1.00

00:58:39.000 I don't already fucking know, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:58:41.000 What are you going to tell me? 1.00

00:58:42.000 Real Jeffrey Ross.

00:58:44.000 They're so aggressive.

00:58:46.000 Come on, bring it on.

00:58:47.000 You think I don't know I look like Bruce Willis drowned? 1.00

00:58:51.000 Bring it on, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:58:52.000 I'm ready for some... 1.00

00:58:53.000 Bruce Willis wish he looked like you right now.

00:58:55.000 Roast me on my Twitter right now. 1.00

00:58:57.000 Bruce Willis looks like shit. 1.00

00:58:58.000 He wishes he looks like you now. 1.00

00:59:01.000 Poor bastard. 1.00

00:59:04.000 I just spent a week at the beach. 1.00

00:59:05.000 This is as tan as I'm ever going to get.

00:59:06.000 You look good.

00:59:07.000 I feel very healthy.

00:59:08.000 You look vibrant.

00:59:09.000 Thank you.

00:59:10.000 What were you going to say?

00:59:12.000 I've toned it down more on Twitter than I used to, like making fun of people or attacking people on Twitter.

00:59:20.000 I used to be, I think back in the early days of your message board and stuff, we used to have kind of fun having online battles with people.

00:59:28.000 Flame Wars.

00:59:29.000 That's what we used to call it.

00:59:30.000 We used to call it Flame Wars.

00:59:31.000 Those were fun.

00:59:32.000 They were fun, but...

00:59:34.000 Too many people jump in now.

00:59:35.000 The other thing is it's not just two people going back and forth.

00:59:38.000 It's a bunch of people that would decide that they're on the other guy's side or this guy's side and jump in.

00:59:42.000 Like, you get a lot of that now.

00:59:43.000 There's a lot of what you see online when there's any sort of a debate about something is pile-ons.

00:59:49.000 You know, there's a bunch of people who pile on.

00:59:51.000 One side or the other.

00:59:53.000 You know, I tweeted something the other day.

00:59:57.000 And this guy, he's up for, he might go to jail in Canada, because he's been tweeting at this girl, and apparently there was some agreement that he wouldn't tweet at her anymore, but he used to be on her side.

01:00:09.000 I think he actually even did some artwork with her, but she's like this radical feminist, and she took him to court. 0.70

01:00:15.000 She called the police on him.

01:00:17.000 This guy was harassing her.

01:00:19.000 And it was even sometimes, she would write something about him, and the fact that he responded to her about him, she was saying he was harassing her.

01:00:26.000 Which is kind of hilarious.

01:00:28.000 But all I did was there was an article and a video.

01:00:32.000 And I retweeted it.

01:00:33.000 This is interesting.

01:00:35.000 The exact title of the video is what came up on my tweet.

01:00:38.000 In the exact same order because I just went to the YouTube thing where it says share and I tweeted it.

01:00:44.000 I didn't put any commentary.

01:00:45.000 I didn't have any editorial control over it. 0.98

01:00:48.000 And so many fucking people were angry at me, saying that I'm a misogynist, and why would I post this? 0.96

01:00:55.000 It's a woman in the video, an older woman in the video, who's talking about this case. 0.98

01:01:00.000 So it's a woman's video about a woman who's suing a man, and the man might go to jail because the man was tweeting at a woman who didn't want him to tweet at her.

01:01:09.000 This is crazy.

01:01:11.000 But I looked at the comments, I was like, Jesus Christ! 0.99

01:01:14.000 Like, the fucking mean people piling on and angry at me that I tweeted this. 0.98

01:01:19.000 I guess you could kind of think that maybe this is my opinion instead of me just sharing something. 0.99

01:01:25.000 But I share shit I don't believe in at all. 0.99

01:01:27.000 I'll share some flat earth shit or some Bigfoot shit. 1.00

01:01:32.000 I'll share nonsense. 1.00

01:01:33.000 I'll retweet people that think the earth is less than 10,000 years old.

01:01:37.000 I do that all the time.

01:01:37.000 This is one dummy that I follow.

01:01:39.000 I retweet him.

01:01:40.000 Well, I don't retweet him anymore because I don't want him to know that I follow him. 0.99

01:01:43.000 But I do read his shit. 1.00

01:01:45.000 It's just so ridiculous. 1.00

01:01:47.000 Some of his stuff is so... 0.99

01:01:49.000 It's all anti-Obama.

01:01:50.000 It's either he hates Obama.

01:01:51.000 I wish I remembered his name. 1.00

01:01:53.000 Joe Sussmanup something starts with a C. But he's like one of the dumbest religious guys online. 0.96

01:01:58.000 And everything is like either anti-Obama or anti-evolution or anti-the earth is, you know, 4.6 billion years old. 0.96

01:02:08.000 He's convinced it's less than 10,000 years old.

01:02:11.000 He's a real guy.

01:02:12.000 It's not a parody account.

01:02:16.000 There's this MTV celebrity, and I don't want to say who she is, but she's always on TMZ, and it's always her being like, don't you know who I am?

01:02:25.000 And getting arrested, and she's just like this privileged white girl celebrity from MTV. And I tweeted her something, because recently she hit a cop or something like that, and they're drunk and they're just recording her outside of a club.

01:02:41.000 Handcuffed and I tweeted or something and it got a lot of retweets and Last night I was at this thing and she was there staring me down.

01:02:49.000 I'm like, this is it.

01:02:50.000 I can't do this She's gonna attack me right now. 1.00

01:02:52.000 And I was that's one of those things that I wish I never tweeted that because now she knows like She's an enemy.

01:02:59.000 Yeah, she's an enemy for no reason like it was just me like dude I should have said that you know to myself instead of tweeting it and Yeah, you could do that.

01:03:07.000 You could definitely create little enemies, you know, by tweeting something you think is going to be funny or going to get a big rise.

01:03:14.000 Right.

01:03:14.000 And then, you know, you realize, especially if you get high, right?

01:03:17.000 You get really high and you go, why am I doing this?

01:03:19.000 I'm creating enemies.

01:03:20.000 What am I doing, Jeff?

01:03:21.000 I always wait.

01:03:21.000 I always put it in my notebook and wait till the morning.

01:03:24.000 Yeah, that's a good move.

01:03:26.000 But sometimes you got to be on the ball.

01:03:28.000 You got to be the first one to attack.

01:03:29.000 Yeah.

01:03:30.000 Those days are over.

01:03:31.000 Who cares?

01:03:32.000 I took two hits today and went to yoga and was breaking down my whole life in that yoga class.

01:03:36.000 Oh my god.

01:03:38.000 The things I get upset about, things I don't get upset about.

01:03:41.000 Just, I need to be nicer. 0.98

01:03:43.000 Just calm the fuck down. 1.00

01:03:45.000 I'm too worked up. 0.99

01:03:47.000 I think I'm doing too many things in my life.

01:03:49.000 I really think that.

01:03:50.000 That's what I'm thinking.

01:03:51.000 I'm thinking I'm under too much pressure and stress.

01:03:54.000 And even though I'm cool about most things, there's certain times where I have a perfect reaction to something. 0.96

01:04:01.000 Like, I always bring up this time where the guy hit me on the highway in my car, fucking texting, rear-ended me, smashed into me. 0.97

01:04:09.000 But I had gone to yoga that day, smoked a little rainfall. 0.99

01:04:12.000 Felt great.

01:04:13.000 I loved the world.

01:04:15.000 I got out.

01:04:16.000 I was fine.

01:04:16.000 I wasn't hurt.

01:04:18.000 I wasn't even mad at the guy.

01:04:19.000 I went over to him.

01:04:19.000 I go, you okay?

01:04:20.000 And he's like, I'm sorry. 0.97

01:04:21.000 You know, I just fucked up. 0.98

01:04:23.000 I go, it's okay. 1.00

01:04:24.000 We all fuck up. 0.98

01:04:25.000 And then I go, do you have a license? 0.99

01:04:27.000 Because I don't have a license.

01:04:28.000 He didn't have a license.

01:04:29.000 He was illegal.

01:04:30.000 He's from Mexico.

01:04:32.000 And I thought about it.

01:04:33.000 I said, all right, I'm out of here.

01:04:34.000 And I just bailed.

01:04:35.000 I said, I don't want to call the cops because I don't want them to go to jail.

01:04:39.000 Because, look... 1.00

01:04:40.000 His car is fucked. 1.00

01:04:41.000 His car was fucked anyway. 1.00

01:04:42.000 His car was totaled. 0.98

01:04:43.000 He had a Civic and he, you know, sometimes you hit the brakes, your car goes down, like you go under the car.

01:04:50.000 So his car went kind of under my car, lifted my car up and sent my car flying.

01:04:55.000 So my car did not have that much damage.

01:04:58.000 It was only a beam that needed to be replaced in the back bumper area, which was all plastic.

01:05:03.000 So they just put a new piece of plastic and replaced the beam and it was good to go.

01:05:05.000 I had it back in a couple of weeks.

01:05:08.000 So if your car was total and you would have ruined his life and called the cops?

01:05:11.000 No, they would have had a tow me, so they would have known. 0.99

01:05:16.000 But I thought about it and I was like, this guy, you know, this guy, he got a shit roll of the dice. 1.00

01:05:22.000 He got a shit roll of the dice. 1.00

01:05:23.000 He made a mistake. 1.00

01:05:24.000 I'm not hurt.

01:05:25.000 Like, I'm okay.

01:05:26.000 And I can pay for this.

01:05:27.000 I can figure it out. 0.93

01:05:28.000 Like, I'm like, just get the fuck out of here.

01:05:30.000 I said, I'm just gonna go. 0.91

01:05:31.000 All right, man.

01:05:31.000 Nice to meet you.

01:05:32.000 Took a picture of his fake license.

01:05:34.000 You did? 0.99

01:05:35.000 Yeah, just in case some weird shit happened. 0.97

01:05:37.000 And he said, I did something. 0.94

01:05:39.000 And, you know, you never know.

01:05:40.000 And just get out of there.

01:05:41.000 He apparently has insurance.

01:05:43.000 I might actually get paid for this.

01:05:46.000 But the point being that the way I reacted to it, I wish I could react to it like that all the time.

01:05:51.000 But I don't know if I would. 0.99

01:05:52.000 Like, if I'm stressed out, I got a bunch of shit going on, and there's a fucking... 0.99

01:05:56.000 You hit this boiling point. 0.99

01:05:59.000 Where you come in on a four or five instead of at a zero.

01:06:03.000 You're coming in hot already, you know?

01:06:06.000 And I was thinking about that while I'm in yoga class. 0.95

01:06:09.000 I was like, there's times where my reaction to the thing is not entirely warranted by the situation itself, but is more dealing with all the different shit that I've got going on in my life. 0.77

01:06:20.000 I have too many things. 0.92

01:06:21.000 This is what I think, and this might be crazy, but I think this is part of the problems with police brutality and some of the mistakes that cops have made is they come in hot.

01:06:33.000 Their job is tough and other stuff's going on, and then you come from one thing to another, and they warrant different things.

01:06:42.000 Rules and disciplines and danger levels, but they're coming in not knowing or, you know, fired up.

01:06:52.000 Their blood pressure, I've talked to cops, especially in New York and Chicago, where they're on blood pressure medication and their families are stressed out and their job is more intense than it ever has been.

01:07:07.000 Oh, it's an incredibly intense job.

01:07:09.000 I couldn't even imagine it.

01:07:10.000 I mean, do you know cops?

01:07:12.000 Do you have any friends that are cops?

01:07:13.000 I'm getting to know more and more cops.

01:07:15.000 I've known cops all my life.

01:07:17.000 My karate teacher was a cop.

01:07:19.000 Ha! 0.89

01:07:19.000 So was mine. 0.89

01:07:20.000 My original karate teacher was Joe Esposito, Newton, Massachusetts.

01:07:23.000 Ronnie Roselli, Newark, New Jersey.

01:07:26.000 A lot of cops learn karate.

01:07:27.000 Italian cops.

01:07:29.000 Exactly, right?

01:07:31.000 I just think that the job of doing police work is probably, not only is it not for everybody, probably too easy to get.

01:07:42.000 It's probably too easy to be a cop.

01:07:44.000 Like some people, they don't have the right mentality for it.

01:07:47.000 I want to roast cops for my next comedy.

01:07:50.000 That's a great idea.

01:07:52.000 That's a great idea.

01:07:53.000 Gotta find a precinct.

01:07:54.000 It's not easy.

01:07:55.000 Oh, really?

01:07:56.000 I think LA would let you.

01:07:57.000 Yeah.

01:07:58.000 Burbank.

01:07:59.000 Burbank would let you, for sure.

01:08:01.000 I think Burbank's gonna tell the story, but maybe.

01:08:03.000 I don't know.

01:08:04.000 I might do a bunch of precincts.

01:08:08.000 Yeah, coming in hot.

01:08:11.000 So I figured that out in yoga class.

01:08:12.000 I just figured out I need to do yoga more.

01:08:15.000 I need to do something every day before I go out and face the world.

01:08:19.000 Every day.

01:08:21.000 Blow off some stress.

01:08:22.000 I spent some time at the beach lately, and that can also help. 1.00

01:08:27.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

01:08:28.000 Why do you think people at the water are so mellow? 1.00

01:08:30.000 I don't know.

01:08:31.000 All beach communities are mellow.

01:08:33.000 It's just so relaxing, man.

01:08:35.000 It's also humbling.

01:08:37.000 Did a week at the Jersey Shore and a few days in Malibu, and it just... 0.96

01:08:41.000 We had some shit fixed in our kitchen, and so I rented a house for a while in Malibu. 0.76

01:08:46.000 I would never buy... 0.96

01:08:48.000 I don't think I'd buy a house on the water. 0.98

01:08:49.000 I think it's fucking crazy that waves come in. 0.84

01:08:52.000 You never know when they're going to come in. 0.98

01:08:53.000 I went out at night.

01:08:56.000 By myself, down to the water.

01:08:58.000 It was dark.

01:08:59.000 Scary.

01:09:01.000 I felt like you're having a trust with the ocean.

01:09:04.000 At any minute, it knows.

01:09:06.000 It could just swallow you up, but instead, it just creeps up to your feet and just says, hi!

01:09:11.000 It's just like, bam, at any second. 0.88

01:09:14.000 That had two floors and one floor was above the water looking down But the first floor was like the water would go right under the fucking bedroom Like you would see the waves come in and you would hear them crash underneath you and it was dark and I'm looking out this window and I was high as fuck I was looking out this window. 0.97

01:09:34.000 I was like, oh my god, this is crazy. 0.97

01:09:36.000 I can't sleep here.

01:09:37.000 I was like, this is nuts. 0.99

01:09:38.000 And I know that this fucking building's been here for, who knows, 10 years, whatever. 0.99

01:09:42.000 I know that a lot of the houses have been there since the 50s. 0.99

01:09:44.000 There's pictures.

01:09:45.000 It's like there's one of those restaurants down there that has these old black and white pictures on the wall.

01:09:50.000 But when you're there at night, it looks like a monster.

01:09:53.000 In the day, it's like this beautiful friend.

01:09:55.000 In the day, you look out there, like I'd have breakfast, and I'd sit down this little table, look out the window and eat eggs.

01:10:02.000 I'm like, God, this is amazing.

01:10:04.000 Look how beautiful it is just to be like...

01:10:07.000 Next to this alien world, this beautiful alien world, and I'd see sea lions or seals or whatever the fuck they are, and birds, and occasionally you'd see a fish splash around.

01:10:17.000 I'd be like, this is so beautiful. 0.99

01:10:19.000 But at nighttime, goddamn terrifying. 0.98

01:10:21.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:10:22.000 But it's humbling.

01:10:23.000 I think that's one of the reasons why people that live in beach communities are so nice. 0.99

01:10:26.000 Because you just look out and it just smacks you in the face with, you ain't shit, dude. 0.99

01:10:31.000 It is so like that. 0.99

01:10:33.000 I was thinking, you could...

01:10:35.000 I was holding a...

01:10:37.000 A glass of sparkling water, like Perrier or something, out on the beach by myself.

01:10:42.000 And I was half done with it, and I just tossed it down into the ocean.

01:10:46.000 You just think, that's...

01:10:47.000 It's such a great equalizer. 0.94

01:10:49.000 This fancy cup of Perrier thinks it's so fucking important and high and mighty, you just drop it into an ocean. 0.93

01:10:55.000 It's nothing. 0.98

01:10:56.000 It's just nothing.

01:10:58.000 It makes no impact.

01:11:00.000 Nothing.

01:11:02.000 All beach communities are filled with mellow people, right?

01:11:05.000 Pretty much.

01:11:06.000 Never heard of an aggressive beach community.

01:11:08.000 Long Beach?

01:11:09.000 Nah, that's like Snoop Dogg's neighborhood.

01:11:12.000 Architects, builders, contractors could spend 10 years building a skyscraper, the most beautiful.

01:11:17.000 People will never stare at it the way they stare at the ocean, which is just air floating, splashing.

01:11:24.000 Well, it just gives you this feeling of, like, it's a totally different world in front of you.

01:11:30.000 Alright, Jersey Shore, no one's cool there, right? 0.99

01:11:32.000 They're not even paying attention to the water, they're just doing steroids and fucking. 1.00

01:11:36.000 Fist pump! 1.00

01:11:38.000 What happened to that?

01:11:40.000 How come that show went away?

01:11:42.000 I don't know.

01:11:43.000 We shouldn't bring it up.

01:11:45.000 Hurricane Sandy.

01:11:46.000 That's what did it?

01:11:47.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

01:11:48.000 Did it?

01:11:48.000 No.

01:11:49.000 Yeah, that beach is fucked. 1.00

01:11:50.000 No, people just got tired. 1.00

01:11:51.000 It's bouncing back.

01:11:52.000 I was just down at the Jersey Shore.

01:11:54.000 A lot of construction happening, a lot of activity, a lot of people out having fun at the boardwalks.

01:12:00.000 It was great.

01:12:01.000 Yeah?

01:12:02.000 Can't wait to go back.

01:12:03.000 I used to do gigs out there.

01:12:05.000 I used to do gigs for Bob Gonzo.

01:12:07.000 I was on vacation down there.

01:12:08.000 Really?

01:12:09.000 I didn't get on stage once.

01:12:11.000 The beaches were beautiful, and the weather was perfect.

01:12:14.000 The water was just as warm as it is here.

01:12:16.000 Don't people have a bad opinion of the Jersey Shore, though? 0.99

01:12:19.000 Don't they think of it as you go there, it's just a bunch of orange guidos fucking and beating shit out of each other? 1.00

01:12:25.000 It's not like that. 0.99

01:12:26.000 Maybe it's evolved, or maybe that was just a show, showed it in a bad light, but...

01:12:30.000 It was great.

01:12:31.000 There's that show, This Old House.

01:12:33.000 They did a long special about rebuilding the Jersey Shore.

01:12:36.000 And it's really interesting.

01:12:37.000 That's what I thought also.

01:12:39.000 It was just like this Myrtle Beach spring break thing the whole time.

01:12:41.000 It's very beautiful there.

01:12:42.000 Well, my uncle lives there.

01:12:44.000 My uncle lives on Jersey Shore.

01:12:45.000 He just sent me some driftwood.

01:12:47.000 He's an artist. 0.99

01:12:48.000 He sent me some shitty driftwood. 0.97

01:12:49.000 It's gorgeous. 0.97

01:12:49.000 It looks like the Hamptons or any fancy, beautiful beach. 0.97

01:12:53.000 It's back.

01:12:54.000 It's bouncing back.

01:12:55.000 Doesn't Artie have a place down there?

01:12:56.000 I was there last weekend.

01:12:57.000 Yeah, I saw a picture of you guys together.

01:12:59.000 And he has a beautiful house right on a lake.

01:13:03.000 I mean, he has the dream.

01:13:04.000 A lake?

01:13:05.000 You walk into Artie Lang's house in the Jersey Shore, and if he didn't tell me he lived there, I would think, like, Mary Lou Henner lived there or something.

01:13:12.000 It's immaculately decorated, perfect nautical-themed white pillows everywhere.

01:13:18.000 There's no chance.

01:13:19.000 And he's like, yeah, my sister's a designer.

01:13:21.000 She did everything.

01:13:23.000 So does he stay there all the time or sometimes?

01:13:26.000 I think he's there most of the time and he has his whole man cave with all his Thurman Munson themed memorabilia.

01:13:33.000 He's just the best.

01:13:34.000 And he's got a place in Manhattan too?

01:13:36.000 Is that how he does it?

01:13:37.000 I think he has a place in New Jersey, like Hoboken, right near Manhattan.

01:13:40.000 Oh, that's right.

01:13:41.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:42.000 Harney can't leave New Jersey.

01:13:43.000 That's hilarious.

01:13:44.000 No, literally he has like a bracelet on his ankle.

01:13:50.000 He got visibly upset when I told him that I don't follow sports.

01:13:54.000 Like you could see, I was like, what?

01:13:57.000 I was less of a man in his eyes.

01:13:59.000 Really?

01:14:00.000 Yeah.

01:14:00.000 Yeah, you can see it.

01:14:01.000 There's guys that are fucking crazy sports fanatics. 0.99

01:14:04.000 When you tell them you don't give a shit about sports, the only thing that saved me is I'm actually a sports commentator. 1.00

01:14:08.000 Right. 0.99

01:14:09.000 So I'm kind of, you know, I don't fall into the hippie, hipster, whatever category that he would hate the most.

01:14:16.000 But he was disappointed in me as a man.

01:14:19.000 Really?

01:14:20.000 That's strange, but I guess he does love sports, man.

01:14:24.000 Loves it.

01:14:24.000 Well, he had that sports show that he was doing for a while with Nick DiPaolo.

01:14:28.000 I'm getting more into it.

01:14:29.000 Sports?

01:14:30.000 Doing a fantasy football app. 1.00

01:14:32.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:14:32.000 Quick Draft. 0.99

01:14:33.000 An app?

01:14:34.000 Comes out in a few weeks.

01:14:35.000 Really?

01:14:35.000 Yeah.

01:14:35.000 You're producing an app?

01:14:36.000 I'm like the voice spokesman of it. 1.00

01:14:39.000 Look at you, you fucking animal. 1.00

01:14:39.000 Making funny videos. 1.00

01:14:41.000 That's a good idea. 0.99

01:14:42.000 Play fantasy football and talk shit with your friends. 1.00

01:14:44.000 Do you know football? 1.00

01:14:45.000 Do you understand it?

01:14:46.000 Yeah, I played high school football.

01:14:48.000 Yeah?

01:14:48.000 What's that guy's name with the giant arms, Jamie?

01:14:51.000 Popeye?

01:14:51.000 What's his name?

01:14:52.000 Leron Landry.

01:14:53.000 Do you know who he is?

01:14:55.000 I'll show you a picture.

01:14:56.000 Do you know who he is?

01:14:56.000 I think so, yeah.

01:14:57.000 Leron Landry.

01:14:59.000 You obviously don't know it like Jamie knows it.

01:15:01.000 Maybe you need a man like Jamie on your team. 1.00

01:15:03.000 This fucker knows a lot. 1.00

01:15:05.000 Look at this guy's arms. 1.00

01:15:06.000 He showed me this yesterday. 0.99

01:15:08.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:15:10.000 What is that? 0.99

01:15:11.000 He said the dude's been busted a few times for steroids.

01:15:14.000 I said no way.

01:15:15.000 He's holding steroids.

01:15:16.000 He doesn't even get the shirt on over that thing.

01:15:19.000 He just does it.

01:15:20.000 Shirt scared.

01:15:21.000 Shirt just goes over.

01:15:23.000 Okay, man.

01:15:25.000 Jesus Christ.

01:15:26.000 Scroll up.

01:15:27.000 What is that one with him holding the camera up?

01:15:29.000 He's got the phone up to the far right. 0.99

01:15:30.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

01:15:33.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:15:35.000 That is an enormous human being.

01:15:38.000 They didn't even make people like that a hundred years ago.

01:15:40.000 Yeah, he's a safety, too, so those guys tend to be a little smaller than a linebacker or a lineman.

01:15:45.000 How much does that guy weigh?

01:15:46.000 How tall is he, rather?

01:15:48.000 I'll find his stats, but...

01:15:49.000 Yeah, find his stats.

01:15:51.000 It depends.

01:15:52.000 I mean, he could be like 5'7", and he'd still be 230 pounds, built like that. 1.00

01:15:56.000 He's a fucking giant. 0.99

01:15:57.000 He's beautiful. 1.00

01:15:58.000 You like it?

01:15:59.000 Six feet tall, 220. He's just an ape, filled with fucking testosterone and fury. 1.00

01:16:06.000 Goddamn, that's an athlete. 1.00

01:16:09.000 That's about as strong an athlete as you get. 0.98

01:16:11.000 Human beings, they're like, you know...

01:16:14.000 You would have made a great slave auctioneer back in the day. 1.00

01:16:20.000 Look at him that way.

01:16:22.000 But we're all apes.

01:16:23.000 I'm an ape. 0.99

01:16:24.000 You're an ape. 0.96

01:16:25.000 We're apes.

01:16:25.000 It's what humans are.

01:16:26.000 I'm just saying the way you break down a person's physical appearance.

01:16:30.000 That's what I do.

01:16:31.000 I'm a sports commentator, if you remember. 0.56

01:16:34.000 Full of thick testosterone. 1.00

01:16:35.000 That guy's a fucking... 1.00

01:16:37.000 That is a silverback. 1.00

01:16:38.000 That's a silverback gorilla.

01:16:39.000 Look at the yams on that guy. 0.94

01:16:41.000 I mean, you never had a human being that was built like that a hundred years ago.

01:16:46.000 This is an entirely new era of humanity.

01:16:48.000 Like, you look at those Greek statues, those were exaggerated.

01:16:51.000 And that was the best they could imagine in their head. 1.00

01:16:54.000 Those guys are pussies. 1.00

01:16:55.000 Every one of those Greek guys. 1.00

01:16:58.000 They look like they barely work out.

01:16:59.000 You know, like, the biggest stud Greek statue. 0.82

01:17:03.000 Like, how does it compare to this guy?

01:17:05.000 Not even close.

01:17:06.000 Show me a Greek statue.

01:17:07.000 Show me, like, the best Greek statue.

01:17:10.000 Like, the most muscular of all the Romans or the Greeks. 1.00

01:17:15.000 Just some fucking animal. 0.99

01:17:18.000 I want to see what it looks like. 0.99

01:17:19.000 Because I guarantee it didn't look nothing like that, dude.

01:17:22.000 They just didn't even know that people were capable. 0.98

01:17:24.000 Small dicks back then also. 0.99

01:17:25.000 Well, that's actually pretty big. 0.98

01:17:27.000 That guy's pretty yoked. 1.00

01:17:28.000 He's pretty studly, except for his little cock. 0.99

01:17:32.000 I wonder if people really did have little dicks back then, or if they just made them have little dicks so that everybody looking at the sculptures didn't feel bad. 1.00

01:17:40.000 Because, like, look at that guy's dick. 1.00

01:17:42.000 That's an enormous man with a fat guy's dick. 1.00

01:17:45.000 That is like a mushroom cap, and the guy looks huge. 1.00

01:17:50.000 That looks like the Hulk.

01:17:52.000 I take back everything I said.

01:17:54.000 I take back everything I said, though, because that guy's giant.

01:17:57.000 Is that real?

01:17:57.000 That guy's back?

01:17:58.000 Is that real?

01:18:00.000 Come on.

01:18:00.000 Yeah, they were really fit, man.

01:18:02.000 That's real?

01:18:03.000 From a computer.

01:18:05.000 That doesn't seem real to me.

01:18:06.000 Show David. 0.93

01:18:06.000 For some reason, we're looking at this guy's back that is insanely muscular, and it's a sculpture, but his ass cheeks are a little too big, and he's holding something in his hands. 0.93

01:18:16.000 Are you going to play your Nick Jonas Gilforet gif?

01:18:19.000 Come on, look at the muscles on that guy's back.

01:18:21.000 He looks like Vanderlei Silva when he was fighting in Pride.

01:18:26.000 Yeah, see that guy? 1.00

01:18:27.000 That guy's a pussy. 1.00

01:18:28.000 Hi, guys. 1.00

01:18:29.000 That guy looks like a bitch. 1.00

01:18:30.000 Condos. 1.00

01:18:31.000 Yeah, he looks like he's never done a squat in his life.

01:18:35.000 None of these guys can make the NFL. No.

01:18:37.000 No fucking way. 0.99

01:18:39.000 The athletes they have today, I think we all agree that the NFL athletes are the most impressive athletes in all sports, right? 0.99

01:18:46.000 Can we agree on that?

01:18:47.000 As far as, like, horsepower, about what they can do, the speed, coordination, right?

01:18:54.000 We all agree.

01:18:55.000 And I, you know, obviously I work for the UFC, right?

01:18:57.000 I think UFC athletes are incredibly impressive, but as far as what they have to be able to do, a UFC athlete has to be able to fight.

01:19:04.000 If it's a championship fight, you have to be able to fight five rounds, five minutes each round.

01:19:08.000 You just can't do that if you're built like an NFL player.

01:19:11.000 You just can't.

01:19:11.000 You can't do it.

01:19:12.000 It's not possible.

01:19:14.000 So that is a bodybuilder, though.

01:19:16.000 That's totally different.

01:19:17.000 That's modern.

01:19:18.000 That's a modern bodybuilder.

01:19:20.000 That guy could never fight in a UFC match.

01:19:23.000 Unless he won in the first 30 seconds, which is possible, That's the only way he'd be able to do it.

01:19:29.000 He just wouldn't have the juice.

01:19:30.000 There's no way he'd have the capacity to fight for five rounds.

01:19:34.000 There's just no way.

01:19:36.000 Too much muscle. 0.67

01:19:36.000 Are current statues, like new statues that are made today of naked men, are their cocks the same size, or are they bigger nowadays? 0.67

01:19:43.000 It's a very good question.

01:19:44.000 I'm so glad you're here.

01:19:46.000 Start your research.

01:19:47.000 Let's go look. 0.99

01:19:48.000 Let's go look for giant cocks. 1.00

01:19:50.000 What's the latest on naked statues? 1.00

01:19:51.000 Is your show always just homosexual? 0.99

01:19:54.000 Yeah.

01:19:55.000 Leaves to a lot of rumors.

01:19:56.000 Times are changing.

01:19:57.000 Leaves to a lot of rumors.

01:19:58.000 What do I look for that?

01:19:59.000 New statue? 1.00

01:20:00.000 New black cock. 0.99

01:20:01.000 Just Google. 1.00

01:20:02.000 Yeah, just do black cock. 1.00

01:20:03.000 Olive Garden black cock 7. You guys ever eat anything around here? 0.99

01:20:09.000 Are you hungry?

01:20:10.000 We got some jerky.

01:20:11.000 No.

01:20:12.000 What do you want?

01:20:13.000 We give you some food, but if you talk into the microphone while you're eating, everyone's going to be mad at you.

01:20:17.000 No, I won't.

01:20:20.000 Jeff Ross drove through traffic.

01:20:22.000 Did you Uber on the way over here?

01:20:23.000 Did you feel uncomfortable at all?

01:20:26.000 Why?

01:20:27.000 Did you ever get an uncomfortable Uber driver?

01:20:29.000 Oh, I mean, it's only annoying when they want to talk to you about...

01:20:35.000 They want to come into the show.

01:20:38.000 Or like... 1.00

01:20:40.000 I only hate it if you're on a date, because then you have some other dude just listening to your bullshit. 1.00

01:20:45.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:20:46.000 You're trying to get some?

01:20:47.000 Thanks, dude.

01:20:48.000 Those cashews are very yummy.

01:20:50.000 All that stuff's good.

01:20:51.000 Those bars are great.

01:20:52.000 It's pro bars.

01:20:53.000 Those are the best.

01:20:54.000 I won't make any noise, but if I do, I'm sorry.

01:20:57.000 Don't worry about it.

01:20:58.000 This is fun, man.

01:20:59.000 I'm having a good time.

01:21:00.000 I'm glad you're here.

01:21:00.000 Enjoying the vibe.

01:21:02.000 You're at the Roast Battle pretty much every week when you're in town, right?

01:21:05.000 Yeah.

01:21:07.000 I had Jim Carrey last night.

01:21:09.000 That was the first place that I went back to when I came back to L.A., or came back to the Comedy Store.

01:21:14.000 I love it, man.

01:21:15.000 It's a lot of fun.

01:21:16.000 It's a movement.

01:21:17.000 It is a movement, right?

01:21:19.000 It feels like it.

01:21:19.000 It feels like...

01:21:20.000 I was talking about this on the message board today.

01:21:23.000 Someone was bringing up...

01:21:25.000 It might have been trolling.

01:21:26.000 I might have got sucked into a troll.

01:21:28.000 Talking about the old days, guys used to borrow each other's jokes, and it was like a tighter community back then.

01:21:35.000 It was like, man, I don't know about all that, but I think this is the tightest community ever for stand-up.

01:21:41.000 I think this is the best time ever for stand-up comedy.

01:21:43.000 I really do.

01:21:44.000 I love that.

01:21:46.000 I love it.

01:21:47.000 I just did Montreal Comedy Festival.

01:21:49.000 I'm hosting Oddball starting next week.

01:21:51.000 And I love comedians.

01:21:52.000 I do these festivals because I love being around comics.

01:21:56.000 It's like a religion.

01:21:57.000 I feel like I'm a comedian before I'm anything else.

01:22:02.000 Yeah.

01:22:03.000 Yeah, I agree with you.

01:22:04.000 You always want to see comedians, hang out with comedians.

01:22:06.000 I remember going to a Christmas party once at Al Roker's house, if I should tell this, but...

01:22:12.000 Go ahead.

01:22:13.000 And it's a very fancy Upper East Side Christmas party for charity fundraiser thing, and I walk in and there's like a...

01:22:20.000 You know, people, tuxedos, taking your coat when you come in and very handing out hors d'oeuvres and big, beautiful home, fireplace, Christmas music.

01:22:33.000 And I look over at the people, the coat check people.

01:22:35.000 It's like two, three people just sitting there and Chris Rock.

01:22:39.000 He would rather talk to the coat check people than these fancy people.

01:22:43.000 He was so bored.

01:22:44.000 And then I walk in and he's like, he ran over to me and he's like, oh my god, a comic!

01:22:49.000 I can talk to a comic!

01:22:50.000 This is so great!

01:22:52.000 Comics need to talk to comics.

01:22:53.000 That's how I felt last night at this party.

01:22:55.000 It was just like...

01:22:56.000 Samsung?

01:22:57.000 Yes, I went to this cool Samsung party where A $AP Rocky performed and that was really cool.

01:23:02.000 What is that?

01:23:03.000 A $AP Rocky.

01:23:04.000 He's a musician.

01:23:06.000 He's good.

01:23:06.000 Yeah?

01:23:07.000 What kind of music is that?

01:23:09.000 Yeah.

01:23:10.000 Rap.

01:23:11.000 Okay. 1.00

01:23:11.000 I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. 1.00

01:23:13.000 Really? 1.00

01:23:13.000 I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem. 1.00

01:23:15.000 That's the Jeffrey Ross theme song. 1.00

01:23:18.000 But it was, you know, super Hollywood douche. 0.96

01:23:21.000 Like, I hate those kind of people.

01:23:22.000 It was, like, in a studio lot where, I think, right next to Oprah's building.

01:23:26.000 So I don't know what studio that was.

01:23:28.000 Some weird studio lot.

01:23:29.000 And it was this humongous party.

01:23:31.000 It was awesome.

01:23:32.000 Samsung was showing all their new phones.

01:23:34.000 And I didn't want to talk to anyone because everyone was, like, beautiful models.

01:23:39.000 And just, like, you know, I was just sitting there like, this is gross.

01:23:42.000 Then I see Steven Glickman across the room.

01:23:45.000 I'm like, ah!

01:23:47.000 It was like the best day of my life just because I saw a comedian that I knew yeah I've been in that situation before it's cool those situations are cool when you you know you have that camaraderie you run into someone that you know yeah the old days baby I used to do news radio right next to...

01:24:06.000 Greg Giraldo had a sitcom for a while.

01:24:08.000 And Giraldo's sitcom would be right next to him.

01:24:10.000 Common Law.

01:24:10.000 Yeah.

01:24:11.000 They would be right next door.

01:24:13.000 And I'd go out, hang with him. 1.00

01:24:15.000 We'd just hang out in the parking lot and shoot the shit. 0.99

01:24:17.000 But it was always like, oh, you're not even an actor. 1.00

01:24:20.000 You're a comedian.

01:24:21.000 We're comics, right?

01:24:23.000 We'd talk about it, and he'd talk about how frustrating it was, because, you know, trying to do his show his way, all the producers and every, you know, the network and all the jazz that you have to deal with when you're trying to put together a sitcom.

01:24:35.000 It was like, you know, I just run into...

01:24:37.000 That's a cool memory.

01:24:38.000 Yeah.

01:24:38.000 There was a few guys, like Lenny Clark.

01:24:40.000 Lenny Clark was also on the set, on the lot, rather, because he was on that show with John... 1.00

01:24:46.000 What the fuck? 0.98

01:24:48.000 I want to say Lithgow, but it's not Lithgow. 1.00

01:24:50.000 It's the other guy.

01:24:51.000 Larroquette.

01:24:51.000 Yes, thank you.

01:24:52.000 He was on that show with John Larroquette.

01:24:55.000 I guess it was called the John Larroquette Show.

01:24:57.000 And I used to run into Lenny.

01:25:00.000 You know, just run into Lenny. 1.00

01:25:02.000 Hey, what the fuck? 1.00

01:25:03.000 How are ya? 1.00

01:25:04.000 Yeah, I'm doing this fucking show with this cranky bastard. 1.00

01:25:07.000 Because Lithgow would fucking scream at everybody. 1.00

01:25:09.000 We'd watch the closed-circuit monitors, and Lithgow would get mad. 1.00

01:25:12.000 You guys remember your fucking lines? 1.00

01:25:15.000 You get crazy and shit. 1.00

01:25:17.000 But, you know, you run into a comic, whether it's at the airport or anything. 0.99

01:25:21.000 It's a nice thing.

01:25:22.000 We're always on the move.

01:25:24.000 Comics in an airport on a Sunday or a Thursday.

01:25:27.000 Yeah, that would be a good show.

01:25:29.000 Just comics running into each other at an airport.

01:25:32.000 A podcast that just gets randomly connected with another comic that just happens to be at the same airport.

01:25:37.000 Well, if you did that, you know, like, for real, if you wanted to do a show, say, like, Dallas is a big port, there's always big ports, and you set up a podcast studio in that port and said, you know, we'll be here...

01:25:50.000 Today's guest.

01:25:51.000 We're going to be here from 9am to 3pm.

01:25:54.000 Let us know if you're coming through, and maybe you can schedule your layover.

01:25:58.000 You could create a studio in one of those lounges, like the American Airline Lounge.

01:26:02.000 Make it like the USO for comedians.

01:26:05.000 Like, hey, comedians, stop by the comedy lounge.

01:26:09.000 And celebrities.

01:26:10.000 You know what you can do?

01:26:11.000 By gate 67A. Here we are, like...

01:26:16.000 You know what you could do too?

01:26:17.000 You could have one of those...

01:26:18.000 You know those massage places where they rub your back? 0.87

01:26:20.000 You sit in those chairs that your face goes first?

01:26:22.000 You could do that. 1.00

01:26:23.000 Like, we'd sit next to each other and get a massage, talk some shit, have the microphone looking up at us as those Asian ladies are rubbing your back. 1.00

01:26:31.000 Just make it. 0.99

01:26:32.000 That's awesome.

01:26:33.000 That's a great idea.

01:26:34.000 It's not a bad idea.

01:26:35.000 Like, to just have people that are on a gig.

01:26:39.000 Like, where are you going?

01:26:40.000 Someone's going to take this.

01:26:41.000 Here's the idea.

01:26:42.000 It's okay.

01:26:42.000 You do, like...

01:26:43.000 You do, like...

01:26:45.000 Women have a little spa where they get their hands and just do it for guys. 1.00

01:26:49.000 A guy spa? 0.97

01:26:50.000 Yeah.

01:26:51.000 But you want to get your hands done?

01:26:53.000 No, you don't have to maybe do that, but other stuff.

01:26:55.000 Get your toes done?

01:26:56.000 Do you get a pedicure?

01:26:56.000 Get a little back rub, you listen to whatever.

01:26:59.000 I don't know, play some ping pong.

01:27:00.000 That wouldn't be bad if there's a spot where you could go and hang out, like a bar.

01:27:04.000 You know the comedy store has that private bar?

01:27:07.000 Yeah.

01:27:07.000 You could set something like that.

01:27:09.000 I danced there last night.

01:27:10.000 Did you dance?

01:27:11.000 It's so fun there.

01:27:12.000 Yeah?

01:27:13.000 Go ahead, chew.

01:27:14.000 Don't worry about it.

01:27:15.000 He's, like, holding back.

01:27:16.000 He's doing very well, though.

01:27:17.000 You haven't been to go this long without eating.

01:27:19.000 Really?

01:27:20.000 What's that about?

01:27:21.000 When I get off stage, I'll do an hour, hour, 15 minutes when I'm headlining, and I literally will have...

01:27:25.000 They'll still be clapping, and I'll already be halfway through a chicken salad on pita bread.

01:27:31.000 Really?

01:27:31.000 Yeah.

01:27:32.000 And if you have a second show, you'll do that?

01:27:33.000 You'll eat in between?

01:27:34.000 I always eat before the first show and in between the second show.

01:27:37.000 Really?

01:27:37.000 It's crazy.

01:27:38.000 I just need food all the time.

01:27:39.000 I can't eat before I go on stage.

01:27:41.000 If I do, it slows...

01:27:43.000 I can't go on stage if I'm hungry.

01:27:44.000 I lose my mind.

01:27:45.000 Really?

01:27:45.000 I'm too mean.

01:27:46.000 I lose...

01:27:46.000 I'm just...

01:27:47.000 Wow.

01:27:47.000 Jeff Ross.

01:27:48.000 Although...

01:27:48.000 That's a little cranky.

01:27:49.000 It's not fun for me, but I think it's still funny for the audience.

01:27:52.000 Because I used to have an old girlfriend who used to say, the crankier I was, the funnier I was.

01:27:56.000 Like, if I got really mad, it would just be so funny.

01:27:59.000 That's what she likes. 0.97

01:28:00.000 She likes you getting dirty. 1.00

01:28:02.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:28:03.000 Boom, the pants off.

01:28:04.000 Boom, boom, boom, boom.

01:28:07.000 Yeah, I try to eat before and I just fall asleep.

01:28:12.000 I feel like I'm really tired on stage.

01:28:15.000 You gotta digest that stuff.

01:28:16.000 You would never eat before you fought.

01:28:18.000 You would never have a sandwich and then go fight.

01:28:20.000 Ever.

01:28:21.000 Because you wouldn't have all your resources.

01:28:24.000 There's a certain amount of your body that would be breaking down your food.

01:28:28.000 I guess, but it's not quite the same as telling jokes for an hour.

01:28:32.000 Not quite the same, but the energy level won't be the same.

01:28:36.000 Your energy level.

01:28:37.000 Like, you won't have as much resources dedicated to...

01:28:40.000 Like, have you ever gone on stage dehydrated?

01:28:44.000 That's a problem.

01:28:45.000 That's bad.

01:28:46.000 That's harder for me.

01:28:47.000 When you've just been drinking too much coffee, you haven't slept, haven't had enough water.

01:28:52.000 I was in Disneyland all day once, all day, in the summer.

01:28:55.000 It was like July.

01:28:56.000 It was bad. 1.00

01:28:57.000 It was fucking hot as shit. 0.99

01:28:59.000 And I was there with my kids, and we'd stay the night there. 0.99

01:29:02.000 You know, you get a hotel room at the Disneyland Hotel and the whole deal. 0.98

01:29:05.000 And, you know, you're fucking going through the park. 0.99

01:29:07.000 It's hot as shit. 1.00

01:29:08.000 There's a million people. 0.99

01:29:09.000 You might not drink enough water.

01:29:11.000 And that night, man, I hit the wall.

01:29:12.000 I did two shows.

01:29:14.000 And the first show, I pulled it off. 1.00

01:29:16.000 But the second show, my fucking head was throbbing. 0.99

01:29:18.000 And I was thinking to myself, like, I'm really dehydrated here. 0.99

01:29:21.000 This is not good.

01:29:22.000 Probably one of the worst ways to be on stage is to be dehydrated.

01:29:25.000 Your brain just doesn't work right.

01:29:27.000 It just doesn't fire.

01:29:29.000 I had that in Iraq.

01:29:30.000 I got dehydrated and couldn't after a bunch of shows and traveling and not drinking enough water and over-caffeinating to make up for not sleeping and being nervous.

01:29:40.000 That was what happened.

01:29:41.000 It sent me to the infirmary, to the medical tent in the middle of, I think it was Al-Assad or Fallujah.

01:29:46.000 Jesus Christ.

01:29:47.000 With an IV bag.

01:29:48.000 How many times have you been over there?

01:29:50.000 A couple.

01:29:51.000 Yeah?

01:29:51.000 You like it?

01:29:53.000 I'm not sure what you mean.

01:29:54.000 Well, you were saying that you...

01:29:56.000 It's a pretty straightforward question.

01:29:58.000 I love going to Iraq.

01:29:59.000 It is so much, especially around my birthday when I can really party.

01:30:07.000 There's some great clubs in Al-Assad.

01:30:11.000 You were saying that doing the prison was a lot like doing a USO gig.

01:30:15.000 In that you're bringing laughs where there normally aren't any, and it's politics and all that, and whether people deserve a show and all that, you can just put that aside for a second.

01:30:25.000 As a comedian, just going in and that challenge of making people laugh that are miserable, I love that.

01:30:31.000 I feed off that.

01:30:33.000 I remember trying to make my mom laugh when she was sick and stuff.

01:30:37.000 I love that challenge of trying to break somebody who's just a little frozen.

01:30:44.000 You're like a little run uphill.

01:30:46.000 Yeah.

01:30:47.000 Jeff Ross.

01:30:47.000 Yeah.

01:30:48.000 I remember being early in my career seeing Buddy Hackett perform.

01:30:52.000 I didn't know him, but I knew his son Sandy, and Sandy let me come by myself at the end of a run in Atlantic City, and Buddy was there the next day, so I stayed an extra day to see the Buddy Hackett show.

01:31:04.000 It was kind of a late afternoon, early Sunday show, and I remember Buddy right out of the gate Saw some lady taking notes.

01:31:14.000 She was a reporter and he didn't know about it ahead of time or whatever. 0.98

01:31:18.000 He called her a cunt right in literally the first 45 seconds of walking on stage and just the whole audience. 1.00

01:31:24.000 You note-taking cunt! 1.00

01:31:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:26.000 She was mortified. 1.00

01:31:27.000 She tried to say, I'm from the so-and-so Herald and he just wouldn't hear it and he just called her a cunt and he just put a really weird vibe in the room right out of the gate and You know, eventually the show, you know, went on and it was amazing. 0.86

01:31:45.000 But literally a decade later, Buddy became a very close pal and I could ask him anything.

01:31:51.000 And I said, you'd never remember this, man, but like 10 years ago in Atlantic City at the Trumpat Castle or whatever, some lady, you know, he's like, well, I go, why would you do that?

01:32:01.000 Like right away, just for no reason, just...

01:32:04.000 Could you imagine what might have been happening in your head, buddy?

01:32:07.000 And he's like, oh, I do that all the time.

01:32:09.000 I like to dig myself a hole just to make it interesting.

01:32:13.000 Oh! 0.60

01:32:15.000 Just to see if I could dig myself out of the hole.

01:32:19.000 That does make it interesting.

01:32:21.000 Do you do that with new bits?

01:32:22.000 I do that with new bits sometimes.

01:32:24.000 How do you mean?

01:32:25.000 I give myself like a pause on a new bit. 0.96

01:32:27.000 I give myself like a fucking dead end where I have to come up with some way to get out of it. 0.95

01:32:33.000 Like I'll lull myself into it. 0.99

01:32:34.000 Like sometimes...

01:32:37.000 Tommy Segura has the best description of when a bit is not that good, but you kind of jazz it up and make it good, you try too hard.

01:32:45.000 He calls it dance moves.

01:32:48.000 I'll have a bit, and the way I used to say it, I used to call it English.

01:32:52.000 Like English on the cue ball.

01:32:52.000 Put a little English on it.

01:32:53.000 Yeah, it's spinning around too much. 0.96

01:32:55.000 I'm like, those balls are spinning around too much. 1.00

01:32:56.000 There's too much English on this fucking set. 1.00

01:32:58.000 It's just too much nonsense and jazz. 1.00

01:33:01.000 But Tommy had a better expression, dance moves.

01:33:04.000 And that's kind of what it is sometimes.

01:33:07.000 Sometimes a bit, it's not that good.

01:33:09.000 It starts out kind of good.

01:33:11.000 You have an idea, and you're trying to figure out which way to take it.

01:33:14.000 But sometimes you jazz it up too much with performance, but not enough with substance.

01:33:18.000 And you just kind of try to figure out what's the line between those two things.

01:33:23.000 It holds you up sometimes when you know you got something and you're developing it and you have a couple of tent poles that maybe you won't need once the whole thing's built.

01:33:31.000 It's like a scaffolding.

01:33:35.000 Yes, that's how I describe it, the same way.

01:33:37.000 I was having a conversation with Tony Hinchcliffe about this.

01:33:39.000 Uh-huh.

01:33:40.000 Because there was a subject that was a little...

01:33:41.000 He was doing a subject that was kind of mean.

01:33:43.000 And I said, you're dedicating a lot of time to this bit that I know you don't really think like this.

01:33:48.000 Like, you don't mean this, right?

01:33:50.000 And he goes, no.

01:33:50.000 I'm like, but what if somebody has this disease that's in the audience and they hear this or someone who knows somebody?

01:33:55.000 I go, you're taking all this time and creativity and you're putting it together with something you don't necessarily believe in.

01:34:01.000 And I said, you got to think of a bit as like a subject is the scaffolding.

01:34:05.000 And then inside that scaffolding, you put all your material.

01:34:08.000 And that's what you're doing.

01:34:09.000 You know, and when you create a new bit, sometimes you do have those dance moves.

01:34:14.000 Sometimes you do have those, and sometimes I'll just chop them down and leave, and I'll start it out good, and I'll just hope there's a pathway that opens up in my brain when I'm in the moment and contemplating the bit.

01:34:27.000 Where I know there's a lull there and I know I gotta dig myself out of the lull.

01:34:30.000 Maybe I'll find it.

01:34:31.000 And I don't find it.

01:34:32.000 Sometimes I don't find it. 1.00

01:34:34.000 Sometimes you'll do a bit three, four times and you're like, I'm ready to abandon this motherfucker. 0.99

01:34:39.000 And then, boom, something pops up and you're like, oh, this is it. 0.99

01:34:43.000 Oh, this is it.

01:34:44.000 Or you go back to it.

01:34:45.000 Yes.

01:34:46.000 Or you go back to it.

01:34:47.000 Yeah, you take a little time off.

01:34:48.000 Yeah.

01:34:49.000 Put it aside.

01:34:50.000 You know what else I noticed?

01:34:51.000 I don't think this happens as much anymore, but...

01:34:54.000 You'll have a bit that you're not...

01:34:56.000 When I was beginning, this is good for beginning comics, you have a bit that's okay, and you kind of like it, but it doesn't quite work.

01:35:05.000 And I went back to old notebooks, or it just came back to me one night, and you become a better performer, and you can sell a different type of bit.

01:35:13.000 It's more in your new voice, or you can just sell it better, or you know the English better, like you say.

01:35:20.000 And you go back to an idea that you weren't ready for.

01:35:24.000 Yeah.

01:35:24.000 Like, maybe you didn't see the way out.

01:35:27.000 You didn't see the pathway. 1.00

01:35:28.000 Or it didn't fit with your bullshit act that you were doing when you were starting. 1.00

01:35:31.000 Yes. 1.00

01:35:32.000 I like how you're doing this right now with a fucking mouthful of food like a squirrel, but you're completely professional. 0.99

01:35:37.000 You tuck it all to the side, chipmunk style, and you didn't chew once on the mic. 0.99

01:35:42.000 Brian Callen can learn from you.

01:35:44.000 I've been doing this a while.

01:35:46.000 This is my first podcast, Joe Rogan.

01:35:49.000 Do you have a podcast?

01:35:50.000 No. 0.99

01:35:51.000 How the fuck is that possible? 0.99

01:35:52.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:35:53.000 I could barely work a garage door opener.

01:35:56.000 This would be really hard for me.

01:35:57.000 Just get somebody like Jamie or Brian to do it. 0.83

01:36:00.000 Sorry I don't have a fucking remodeled garage that I can put up three pictures of Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, and I'm still trying to figure out... 0.94

01:36:09.000 Rosa Parks. 0.98

01:36:09.000 Rosa Parks, really? 0.98

01:36:11.000 Yeah.

01:36:11.000 Okay, she was hot.

01:36:14.000 No.

01:36:15.000 No. 1.00

01:36:15.000 What are you, crazy? 1.00

01:36:17.000 No. 1.00

01:36:18.000 No, you're just crazy. 1.00

01:36:19.000 Now we know your type. 1.00

01:36:20.000 Let the record show.

01:36:21.000 Al Qaeda has the same decorators as the Joe Rogan studio.

01:36:26.000 Really?

01:36:27.000 They're into Rosa Parks?

01:36:29.000 Just saying.

01:36:30.000 Pictures of... 0.98

01:36:32.000 I found out that Hendrix is not the real fucking Hendrix mugshot from Toronto. 0.97

01:36:35.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:36:36.000 Sons of bitches. 1.00

01:36:37.000 Wow. 1.00

01:36:37.000 They sold this to me in Hawaii, too. 1.00

01:36:39.000 That's an iconic Jimi Hendrix photo that they stuck on the actual writing from when his mugshot was.

01:36:46.000 So I bought the real mugshot.

01:36:48.000 Jamie, do we have it in the back?

01:36:49.000 I don't know.

01:36:50.000 Don't worry about it.

01:36:52.000 I got the real mugshot from Hendrix, so that will be replaced with the real one.

01:36:56.000 Interesting.

01:36:57.000 In my new studio.

01:36:58.000 I'll take it.

01:36:59.000 You can take it.

01:37:00.000 Actually, this is all very cool.

01:37:01.000 Thank you.

01:37:02.000 Do you know a YouTube star, or have you ever heard of a guy named Joey Grasifo?

01:37:08.000 This guy right here.

01:37:11.000 This guy right here.

01:37:12.000 So he is like this really super popular famous YouTube star, I guess.

01:37:17.000 And there's this guy named Brock Baker, a really funny comedian and writer here in Los Angeles.

01:37:22.000 And he makes these really funny videos called Angry Man.

01:37:24.000 And he did this thing and he talks about this YouTube star because he has a book out.

01:37:29.000 And if you read the back of the book...

01:37:31.000 What it says on the back of the book cover, it is one of the most creepiest things ever.

01:37:36.000 The guy's 24 and all his fans are like young kids, like 8th grade to like 13, 14, 15, you know, kind of like the Twilight kids.

01:37:47.000 That's his fans?

01:37:48.000 That's his fans.

01:37:48.000 And he's 24. And he's 24. If you read the back, Jamie, do you have it pulled up?

01:37:52.000 Because it would be funnier if you check this out.

01:37:55.000 Read this right here.

01:37:56.000 It's not where you begin that matters.

01:37:58.000 It's where you end up.

01:38:00.000 Go ahead.

01:38:00.000 24-year-old Joey whatever has captured the hearts of more than 4 million teens and young adults through his playful, sweet, and inspirational YouTube presence, not to mention his sparkling eyes and perfect hair.

01:38:14.000 This is like a book about him and he has this on the back of his cover.

01:38:18.000 Yet Joey wasn't always comfortable in his skin, and in this candid memoir, he thoughtfully looks back on his journey from pain to pride, self-doubt to self-acceptance.

01:38:31.000 That's an important message. 0.89

01:38:33.000 If you just Google this guy's name, the images that come up is some of the funniest shit ever. 0.95

01:38:39.000 Because he really does, like, he's in love with his hair. 0.94

01:38:41.000 Okay, so you just made another enemy, just like you said.

01:38:44.000 So you're going to run into the next Samsung party. 1.00

01:38:46.000 You're going to see this fucking guy. 1.00

01:38:47.000 He's going to want to feed you your teeth. 1.00

01:38:50.000 It's so funny, though.

01:38:51.000 I don't know.

01:38:52.000 Just look at the YouTube videos.

01:38:53.000 It's hilarious.

01:38:54.000 He's really addicted to his hair.

01:38:55.000 Why didn't you do what we talked about earlier and just write that down and think about whether or not you want to talk about it tomorrow?

01:38:58.000 Well, I'm not really making fun of it.

01:39:00.000 Oh, yes, you are.

01:39:01.000 He really likes his hair, but all his pictures on Google are just perfect hair, like this crazy Johnny Bravo hair.

01:39:08.000 Never mind.

01:39:09.000 It's okay.

01:39:09.000 Good look at it.

01:39:10.000 It's funny.

01:39:10.000 I'm not going to, but thank you for your suggestion.

01:39:13.000 You're going to look at it later.

01:39:15.000 Jeff Ross, what do you got going on, man?

01:39:16.000 Besides Oddball, you got some gigs coming up?

01:39:18.000 University of Rhode Island's coming up.

01:39:20.000 I think it's in September.

01:39:21.000 That's interesting.

01:39:22.000 You're doing colleges still. 0.98

01:39:24.000 With this fucking big backlash lately, the kids are saying that everybody's too politically correct to do colleges. 0.98

01:39:29.000 Seinfeld doesn't want to do colleges. 0.99

01:39:31.000 Every now and then, I find a really cool college.

01:39:33.000 Yeah?

01:39:34.000 You think so?

01:39:35.000 University of Rhode Island's a good spot?

01:39:36.000 Yeah.

01:39:37.000 Do they let you do anything?

01:39:39.000 Get away with anything?

01:39:40.000 I haven't been given any restrictions.

01:39:42.000 Do you feel like kids are a little bit more sensitive these days, though?

01:39:45.000 I think people are.

01:39:46.000 I feel like people are more sensitive.

01:39:49.000 Do you think they're more sensitive or do you think they have the opportunity to complain more?

01:39:54.000 Both.

01:39:54.000 I think it's become, you know, the egg before the chicken and the egg because, I don't know.

01:40:03.000 How's it...

01:40:04.000 I think people are just looking for things.

01:40:07.000 Everyone feels like a victim.

01:40:09.000 Everyone sounds like a victim all the time.

01:40:11.000 I'm offended, or I don't know how to see this, or I don't know how to hear that.

01:40:16.000 They found another guy faking black.

01:40:18.000 Have you seen that?

01:40:19.000 No.

01:40:20.000 Have you seen that?

01:40:20.000 Another guy, a part of the Black Lives Matter.

01:40:24.000 I feel like people have been doing this forever.

01:40:27.000 Yeah, but these are like activists that are doing it, which is kind of adorable.

01:40:31.000 It's on Breitbart.

01:40:33.000 A young man named Sean King. 0.96

01:40:35.000 There's another fake black guy. 0.70

01:40:37.000 What? 0.96

01:40:37.000 You know the Rachel Dolezal? 0.96

01:40:39.000 She claimed to be black, but she was actually white. 1.00

01:40:41.000 She said she identifies with black.

01:40:43.000 You know that?

01:40:44.000 They found another dude who does the same thing.

01:40:46.000 Wow.

01:40:46.000 And he's a part of the Black Lives Matter...

01:40:49.000 Oh, God.

01:40:50.000 Oh, my God, really?

01:40:52.000 Yeah.

01:40:52.000 Yeah, it's interesting.

01:40:54.000 I mean, he looks really, really white. 0.94

01:40:56.000 But he has that kind of creepy mustache that some black eyes can pull off. 0.99

01:40:59.000 There's his dad. 0.94

01:41:00.000 His mom's white as well.

01:41:02.000 There's photos of him as a young kid, totally white, but talked about his struggles of being an African-American, how he was always bullied, and throws a lot of pictures up, I guess, that are...

01:41:15.000 Black and white.

01:41:15.000 And here's the thing, you know, there's nothing wrong with being a white guy that works for Black Lives Matter.

01:41:20.000 He tweeted, I love my blackness and yours.

01:41:22.000 Look at that.

01:41:22.000 That he said?

01:41:23.000 Oh my god.

01:41:24.000 That's awesome.

01:41:25.000 Well, he's got black sunglasses on, or glasses.

01:41:29.000 Oh, what is that?

01:41:31.000 Is that me? 1.00

01:41:32.000 Oh, I hate those goddamn pop-ups. 1.00

01:41:35.000 I feel like I'm colorblind. 1.00

01:41:36.000 I don't even see...

01:41:37.000 I don't even assess people's race right away.

01:41:40.000 Me neither, man. 0.99

01:41:41.000 I'm fucking completely colorblind, man. 0.98

01:41:43.000 That seems like a natural progression of the way people think. 0.99

01:41:48.000 Weird people like this are going to crop up.

01:41:50.000 Well, this guy that I really like, Milo Yiannopoulos, I'm not exactly sure how to say his last name correctly, but it's Nero, N-E-R-O, on Twitter. 0.96

01:42:02.000 And he's a fucking funny writer, man. 0.81

01:42:04.000 And he's a really good speaker, too. 0.98

01:42:05.000 He's hilarious.

01:42:07.000 He does these interview shows, and he's always saying logical things and having logical arguments against feminists. 0.97

01:42:15.000 If you like Google some of these, Milo Yiannopoulos, and they can't fucking say anything about him because he's gay and he has blonde hair and he's super articulate. 0.96

01:42:28.000 So because he doesn't look like, you know, like one of the guys from Jersey Shore, he's not like, you know, a lot of these guys that are representing men's rights, they kind of look douchey. 0.94

01:42:37.000 You know, they kind of look like bros. 0.95

01:42:39.000 He's gay. 0.99

01:42:40.000 And he's open about it, and he's fabulous, and he's got a great vocabulary. 0.95

01:42:45.000 But when he's describing, or when he's giving these arguments and debating, rather, these women, he's crushing them.

01:42:52.000 Because he was talking about diversity in science, and he's like, well, the cold hard truth is, it's not that women are discouraged from doing science.

01:43:00.000 It's that a lot of them aren't attracted to it.

01:43:01.000 Men and women have different states of mind.

01:43:04.000 And boys and girls, when they're young, if you give them, like, equal access to toys, boys naturally will gravitate towards, like, trucks and cars, and girls will naturally gravitate towards dolls.

01:43:14.000 It has nothing to do with it.

01:43:15.000 Yeah, here's one of them on Sky News, why men are better at chess.

01:43:19.000 Listen, look at them.

01:43:21.000 How do you feel about being called different because you're hardwired differently?

01:43:27.000 I don't know.

01:43:28.000 I'm sure it's not something you've failed to hear before.

01:43:32.000 It just seems to keep cropping up.

01:43:34.000 Is it necessary?

01:43:35.000 It's just... 0.98

01:43:36.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

01:43:38.000 It's 50s thinking, you know. 0.99

01:43:40.000 I mean, it's just so ridiculous, this biological determinism.

01:43:44.000 Frankly, you know, interests and talent and, you know, passions for particular topics, subjects, sports, arts, whatever, like, they're not relegated to either gender, but unfortunately, because of some stereotypical thinking...

01:44:02.000 Often, one gender is encouraged to pursue a sport or an art more so than the other. 0.98

01:44:09.000 It's bullshit! 0.98

01:44:11.000 My colleague at The Telegraph, Radhika Sagani, she wrote a piece just this morning speaking to... 1.00

01:44:18.000 Like young girls who play chess. 1.00

01:44:20.000 And actually, what she found out is that they're dropping out at the age of 12. Probably because, you know, they're not encouraged or, you know, there's an environment around telling them that it's not for them, it's not cool, etc, etc.

01:44:32.000 So, you know, this hardwired brain stuff, like, it's retro sexism.

01:44:38.000 No, listen to what he says.

01:44:39.000 So Milo Yiannopoulos, does he matter if men and women are wired differently, have different skills?

01:44:46.000 No, it doesn't matter in the sense that they are equal but different, but it simply isn't true to say that there is no difference whatsoever between the aptitudes of men and women.

01:44:55.000 And it is without question true that there are some biological differences between men and women, and we know that from our anatomy.

01:45:02.000 But we also know it from experiments that we do on young children, before they've had the opportunity to be socialized, the sorts of toys that they go for.

01:45:10.000 And that holds true, actually, for other bits of the animal kingdom as well.

01:45:12.000 Some of the reason why girls drop out of STEM subjects at college and chess clubs is because they keep losing. 0.98

01:45:19.000 And one of the reasons they keep losing is that it does seem to be the case that chess as a game plays to some of the male intellectual virtues.

01:45:26.000 And when Simon Baron-Cohen talks about these, the way he describes it is men are good at systematizing And women are good at empathizing.

01:45:33.000 And there is some reason to suppose that that may have some basis in biology.

01:45:37.000 It's very trendy these days to say that everything is socially determined, but that's not what the science says.

01:45:42.000 And it's not either what common sense says, because if it were true, these days there would be a lot more representation of women in the sciences, in astrophysics, in philosophy, in mathematics, and in chess. 1.00

01:45:52.000 But there isn't.

01:45:53.000 Boom! 0.99

01:45:54.000 So, Renny, does that make sense?

01:45:57.000 That's done.

01:45:58.000 That chick should just go home. 1.00

01:45:59.000 She just pooped her stuff. 0.99

01:46:00.000 Just go home.

01:46:01.000 Because it's true. 1.00

01:46:03.000 It's not saying that men are better or women are better, but the idea that there's no difference between us and biological determinism is bullshit. 0.99

01:46:11.000 That's just ridiculous. 0.98

01:46:13.000 So, that dude is hilarious, and he's the guy who busted this guy. 0.99

01:46:17.000 He's the guy who had the article in Breitbart about this guy who's actually white and pretends to be black.

01:46:23.000 He's great, though.

01:46:23.000 I love his writing.

01:46:24.000 I love listening to him talk.

01:46:25.000 The guy's just, he nails it every time.

01:46:28.000 Dude's hilarious.

01:46:29.000 Yeah.

01:46:31.000 Yeah, he'll be on soon.

01:46:32.000 He's gonna, he'll be on here in a couple weeks for working something out.

01:46:36.000 Hmm.

01:46:37.000 Jeffrey Ross is here now, though.

01:46:39.000 And now he's had some food.

01:46:41.000 Expertly eaten off mic.

01:46:43.000 Nobody would know anything if you didn't call me out, by the way.

01:46:46.000 I would have been all carved up and rejuvenated.

01:46:49.000 I love what you did.

01:46:50.000 I love how you handled it.

01:46:51.000 You did it professionally. 1.00

01:46:52.000 You guys got to watch some fucking bullshit about shit I don't care about. 1.00

01:46:56.000 What do you care about? 1.00

01:46:58.000 What do you think about Trump?

01:47:00.000 What do you think about Trump?

01:47:02.000 I feel like he has Charlie Sheen writing his material. 1.00

01:47:06.000 We're a nation of losers. 0.81

01:47:07.000 We need to be winners. 0.93

01:47:09.000 Winning!

01:47:11.000 Yeah.

01:47:12.000 If he wins, I said this at the comedy store last night, if he wins, it's proof that there's no Illuminati in this country.

01:47:20.000 Or he's a part of it.

01:47:21.000 Or he's a part of it, but that seems unlikely.

01:47:23.000 That he's a part of the Illuminati?

01:47:24.000 Yeah.

01:47:25.000 Why would they want billionaires in the Illuminati?

01:47:27.000 Nah.

01:47:28.000 He's rogue.

01:47:29.000 He's on his own. 1.00

01:47:30.000 He's fucking crazy, huh? 1.00

01:47:31.000 I've roasted him a couple times. 1.00

01:47:32.000 Yeah?

01:47:33.000 He's a good sport.

01:47:33.000 He doesn't show it, but he is.

01:47:35.000 Really?

01:47:36.000 What's he like as a person?

01:47:37.000 Uh, he's engaging.

01:47:39.000 He likes to ask a lot of questions.

01:47:41.000 He likes to listen.

01:47:41.000 About Mexicans?

01:47:42.000 Nah, we were on a pleasure trip down to Mar-a-Lago on his plane, me and Bruce Smirnoff.

01:47:49.000 Really?

01:47:49.000 Quite a while ago.

01:47:50.000 Nice to be back in the day.

01:47:52.000 I haven't heard that name in forever.

01:47:53.000 How's he doing?

01:47:53.000 He's very generous.

01:47:54.000 Bruce Smirnoff.

01:47:56.000 Yeah, Bruce and I on Trump's plane.

01:47:59.000 I remember the Donald.

01:48:00.000 This had to be in the 90s.

01:48:01.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:48:03.000 No, early 2000s, I think.

01:48:05.000 Yeah.

01:48:07.000 So you're chilling on his plane.

01:48:08.000 We go down to Mar-a-Lago.

01:48:10.000 Where's that?

01:48:11.000 In Palm Beach, Florida.

01:48:13.000 Donald Trump's golf country club facility there.

01:48:17.000 Very fancy, very beautiful.

01:48:20.000 He gave us a Cadillac, Bruce and I, to tour around with for the weekend.

01:48:23.000 I did a show on the Saturday night.

01:48:26.000 Donald brought me up himself.

01:48:28.000 Really?

01:48:28.000 Not an easy crowd.

01:48:30.000 I wouldn't think so.

01:48:32.000 You know, very formal, you know, the whole thing.

01:48:34.000 Bunch of creepy one-percenters on Adderall.

01:48:38.000 But very, very elegant and, in the end, very appreciative crowd.

01:48:44.000 And I roasted them at the Friars Club once, and I roasted them on Comedy Central once.

01:48:51.000 I remember him not laughing at all for like three comedians, and I went up to him during the commercial break, and I'm like, Donald, you have to at least smile so we have something to cut to other than other people laughing at you.

01:49:02.000 And he's like, oh, okay, I get it now.

01:49:04.000 So he's sort of smiling and enjoying himself a little bit.

01:49:08.000 That's hilarious.

01:49:09.000 What a weird guy he is, huh?

01:49:12.000 He's in a strange...

01:49:13.000 There he is right there.

01:49:16.000 Nice and orange.

01:49:17.000 Yeah, what's the orange all about?

01:49:19.000 He wears a lot of makeup. 0.99

01:49:20.000 Is that makeup or is that like spray tan shit? 1.00

01:49:23.000 From my HDTV, it always looks like caked on makeup. 0.99

01:49:27.000 He's got the original kissy face.

01:49:29.000 Go back to the other picture.

01:49:31.000 That's a kissy face. 0.99

01:49:32.000 That's a puss. 1.00

01:49:32.000 He's got a puss on. 1.00

01:49:33.000 Sour puss. 0.99

01:49:34.000 But there he doesn't have it. 0.78

01:49:36.000 So what is he doing there?

01:49:36.000 Pouty.

01:49:37.000 That's pouty. 1.00

01:49:39.000 Donald Trump.

01:49:41.000 You think it's possible that he could win?

01:49:44.000 How close do you think he's gonna get?

01:49:49.000 He's kind of a shoe-in for the Democrats, is what he is.

01:49:53.000 What do you mean?

01:49:54.000 Because a lot of people that would vote Republican are going to vote for him.

01:49:57.000 If he stays in, it's going to make things, especially if he goes independent, which is totally possible, right?

01:50:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:50:05.000 If he goes independent, he could be Ross Perot-ing this motherfucker. 0.99

01:50:09.000 Ross Perot sunk the ship of Herbert Walker Bush because everybody was torn between who to vote for. 0.99

01:50:17.000 There was the libertarian people that would have maybe possibly voted more fiscally conservative, so they would have gone with the Republicans. 0.98

01:50:22.000 Instead, they went with Ross Perot because he was laying it down how the taxes were and what the fuck was actually going on. 0.64

01:50:28.000 Whereas, that opened the door for Clinton. 0.59

01:50:32.000 What do you think about Bernie Sanders?

01:50:34.000 I like him.

01:50:34.000 I like what he's saying about education.

01:50:36.000 And I fucking hate when people say, you know, yeah, that's great. 0.99

01:50:39.000 I'm gonna have fucking people being educated on my tax dollars. 0.99

01:50:42.000 What about my tax dollars? 1.00

01:50:43.000 What about war?

01:50:45.000 Don't you know how much more it costs to go to war than it costs to educate people? 0.93

01:50:48.000 Don't you think it would be better if we had less people that were uneducated in this country or if we had less people that were leaving college in fucking massive debt?

01:50:57.000 If you're a kid, okay, if you're 18 to 21 years old, which is most people that are in college, You don't need to be saddled down with hundreds of thousands of dollars in education debt. 0.99

01:51:07.000 That's fucking gross. 1.00

01:51:08.000 It's gross and it's stupid and it speaks to poor management of our civilization. 1.00

01:51:13.000 That's what I think about our situation in America when it comes to colleges and the amount of money that kids get straddled down with. 1.00

01:51:20.000 Saddled down, rather, with debt. 1.00

01:51:22.000 They're fucked. 1.00

01:51:23.000 You know, especially if you talk to someone who goes to medical school. 1.00

01:51:26.000 Jesus Christ!

01:51:28.000 Right.

01:51:28.000 My friend, he was hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt before he left medical school.

01:51:36.000 Hundreds of thousands of dollars. 1.00

01:51:38.000 Just fucked! 1.00

01:51:39.000 Like it takes you forever to make that money because you don't just make the hundreds of thousands of dollars, you gotta make a living too. 1.00

01:51:45.000 And incentivize you to deal with the system the way it is and not adapt to some new health plan in this country or whatever.

01:51:53.000 You just gotta get your nut.

01:51:54.000 Well, it becomes a game.

01:51:55.000 It becomes a game.

01:51:56.000 Just like the cop thing we're talking about, the cop thing.

01:51:58.000 It becomes a game of convicting people, going after people, convicting them, getting the win, getting the victory.

01:52:04.000 Well, with doctors, it becomes a matter of getting people to have surgery.

01:52:08.000 I had a friend of mine tell me, when he was 16 years old, he was working as a Like, some vacation resort.

01:52:15.000 You know, he's working as, like, somebody who works at the resort. 0.97

01:52:17.000 And he said he overheard these fucking doctors talking about talking someone into getting an operation. 0.99

01:52:24.000 And they were going, cha-ching! 0.99

01:52:25.000 They were just talking about how, you know, I talked him into getting this, and that means I get this.

01:52:30.000 Like, they were talking about it like a guy was talking about selling Chevys.

01:52:34.000 It's like, and these all doctors, they were together. 1.00

01:52:37.000 So just like comics would get together and shoot the shit, doctors get together and shoot the shit. 1.00

01:52:41.000 What did you do? 1.00

01:52:41.000 I told them to get a fucking fake knee. 1.00

01:52:44.000 Giving each other knuckles. 0.99

01:52:46.000 And he goes, it changed forever the way I thought about doctors.

01:52:49.000 He goes, I left, you know, I didn't work there anymore.

01:52:51.000 I never thought about doctors the same way because of that conversation those guys had.

01:52:55.000 I would have never been privy to that in any of the circumstances.

01:52:58.000 But a few guys sitting around at a resort, having a couple cocktails, getting a little loose with the lip.

01:53:04.000 We found out what they were really all about. 1.00

01:53:06.000 It's because they're fucked. 1.00

01:53:09.000 They're fucked not just with the amount of money that they have to pay for their education, but also malpractice insurance is crazy. 1.00

01:53:18.000 My cousin is a surgeon. 1.00

01:53:20.000 He was in practice in New Jersey for years and said, fuck it. 1.00

01:53:23.000 I'm going to work for an emergency room where I share. 0.99

01:53:27.000 And it just took a lot of pressure off him in his life.

01:53:30.000 And I think he got happier and probably became a better doctor.

01:53:35.000 Yeah, well, that's what I think about Bernie Sanders.

01:53:36.000 A lot of responsibility, a lot of constant work to run the practice and protect yourself.

01:53:43.000 It is.

01:53:44.000 It is.

01:53:44.000 And you know, people do need to be protected.

01:53:46.000 I mean, there are doctors that fuck up. 0.99

01:53:48.000 We showed that lady who got her feet fucking amputated and her hands amputated. 1.00

01:53:52.000 And they fucked up. 1.00

01:53:53.000 They literally amputated the wrong person's feet and hands. 1.00

01:53:56.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:53:59.000 This is fucked up. 1.00

01:54:00.000 You see the Sarah Silverman, Bernie Sanders video? 1.00

01:54:02.000 She did a speech for him.

01:54:04.000 Really?

01:54:04.000 And it was really powerful.

01:54:05.000 And it's really cool that she did that because, you know, Bernie is somebody I think a lot of people, younger people, would like also.

01:54:15.000 Because on Facebook, a lot of the younger people I'm friends with are always posting Bernie Sanders.

01:54:21.000 Why are you friends with little kids, man? 1.00

01:54:22.000 The fuck's going on? 1.00

01:54:23.000 I'm talking six-year-olds. 1.00

01:54:24.000 No.

01:54:25.000 But did you see the giant rallies that he's put together, including one in LA? There's like 18,000 people seeing him in LA. That's great.

01:54:33.000 Well, he gives you hope that there's someone that represents a more open-minded, a more current point of view, I think.

01:54:43.000 And I think, you know... 0.99

01:54:44.000 There's this fucking Ted Cruz and all these people that are running and you're like, ooh. 0.99

01:54:49.000 You look at them and you go, this guy can't win. 1.00

01:54:52.000 Can he win?

01:54:54.000 You see guys like that and you go, oh, come on.

01:54:56.000 Is this real?

01:54:58.000 Like Chris Christie.

01:54:59.000 Is that real?

01:55:00.000 Can he really win?

01:55:01.000 You get more standoffish and scared by it than anything.

01:55:05.000 He had to run because...

01:55:07.000 Of all the scandals he had.

01:55:09.000 Otherwise it would have made him seem guilty.

01:55:11.000 Really?

01:55:11.000 That's what I think.

01:55:12.000 I think he had to run in order to go, everything's fine.

01:55:15.000 Yeah.

01:55:16.000 That's an interesting way of looking at it.

01:55:18.000 I'm from New Jersey.

01:55:19.000 Yeah, it's me too.

01:55:20.000 I was born in Newark.

01:55:21.000 Me too. 1.00

01:55:22.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:55:24.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:55:25.000 When were you born?

01:55:26.000 65. You're older than me.

01:55:29.000 67. August 11th.

01:55:32.000 September 13th.

01:55:33.000 Jesus Christ.

01:55:34.000 Basically two years apart from each other, pal.

01:55:36.000 Here we are.

01:55:37.000 Same hospital, maybe.

01:55:38.000 What hospital?

01:55:39.000 Beth Israel? 0.71

01:55:40.000 Is that the name of it?

01:55:41.000 I don't even remember.

01:55:42.000 I was hoping you would say something.

01:55:43.000 I'd go, that sounds like mine.

01:55:44.000 Yeah.

01:55:45.000 I'll have to ask my mom.

01:55:46.000 You guys didn't go, like, know each other at all?

01:55:49.000 We met each other in New York in like 1990, maybe?

01:55:53.000 91, maybe?

01:55:54.000 When did you start?

01:55:55.000 What year did you start doing stand-up?

01:55:56.000 April Fool's Day, 1989. Wow.

01:56:00.000 Yeah, I started in 88, August 27th, 1988. Where was that?

01:56:05.000 Stitches, Boston.

01:56:08.000 And I made it to New York somewhere around 90, 91. That's probably when I met you.

01:56:12.000 We'll meet it.

01:56:13.000 I was backing up at Catch a Rising Star.

01:56:15.000 Aha! 0.94

01:56:16.000 Didn't we meet at Boston Comedy, maybe?

01:56:18.000 Probably.

01:56:19.000 Is that where we met?

01:56:19.000 I would host there and do spots there.

01:56:21.000 It was a great little spot, wasn't it?

01:56:22.000 It was good.

01:56:22.000 That was a great little spot.

01:56:24.000 That was one of those really tiny rooms.

01:56:26.000 Like, that was a 90-seater, like, maybe?

01:56:29.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:56:29.000 Did it even seat 90?

01:56:30.000 Probably something like that.

01:56:31.000 Maybe a little more.

01:56:32.000 In the village?

01:56:33.000 I'm going to say 120, but I could be off.

01:56:35.000 Let's get crazy.

01:56:35.000 Let's say 120. Yeah, it was a great little spot.

01:56:40.000 Charlie Barnett, there's a cool article about him in the New York Times last week.

01:56:43.000 Charlie Barnett, who died of AIDS. Sad, sad, sad story.

01:56:48.000 But he was the king of the park in Washington Square Park, and he would go on at that Boston Comedy Club and the Comedy Cellar.

01:56:56.000 Well, he would do a lot of sets out on the street.

01:56:59.000 He would do shows on the street.

01:57:00.000 He'd throw his hat down.

01:57:01.000 And Dave Chappelle used to, like, he learned from him.

01:57:04.000 Right.

01:57:04.000 Chappelle used to do a lot of shows like that.

01:57:07.000 I saw him do it in Montreal.

01:57:08.000 We did a show at Club Soda.

01:57:10.000 Remember Club Soda?

01:57:11.000 Yeah, it's still there.

01:57:11.000 Yeah.

01:57:12.000 They called it something different now, though, isn't it?

01:57:14.000 Oh, is it?

01:57:14.000 I think so.

01:57:15.000 Anyway, we did a show at Club Soda, and then outside, Dave just starts, just like, gather round, gather round, and he starts doing stand-up.

01:57:24.000 He got all that from Charlie.

01:57:26.000 Yeah.

01:57:26.000 Dave and I both lived on the sides of that park, and we used to watch Charlie all the time, and then I think when Charlie passed away, Dave kind of took over that mantle in the fountain on the weekends, and sometimes during the week, and he really found his voice, I think, in that park.

01:57:42.000 Yeah.

01:57:42.000 So you guys used to go and watch Charlie perform in the park?

01:57:45.000 For hours and just hang out with him.

01:57:46.000 What was that like?

01:57:46.000 It was great.

01:57:50.000 You had to get your work done back then.

01:57:52.000 We lived in small apartments.

01:57:53.000 There were no cell phones.

01:57:56.000 You had to do whatever you were going to do.

01:57:58.000 If it was an email or a phone call, you had your phone in your house and you went and did all that.

01:58:03.000 You left messages and got messages.

01:58:04.000 And you went out.

01:58:05.000 When you were out, you were present in the moment and you were loving every second of it.

01:58:10.000 Dave and I would hang around Washington Square Park and try to talk to NYU girls who were studying and whatever we could do and find some weed and we would brainstorm and write jokes and we'd eat lunch in the park and listen to music.

01:58:23.000 There was always the acrobats were in the park and Master Lee, a karate comic, would come and Charlie Barnett, this guy that was just hilarious, would, you know, like you said, he would jump up on the fountain and Showtime!

01:58:39.000 It's showtime!

01:58:55.000 8 to 80, rich or poor.

01:58:57.000 Even if you don't speak English, you're laughing at Charlie.

01:59:00.000 He was so physical and funny, and it was a great time.

01:59:06.000 I remember there were riots in Los Angeles.

01:59:09.000 It might have been Rodney King, and we got warnings in New York to be careful.

01:59:13.000 There might be riots in New York, and Charlie walked me home.

01:59:16.000 He's like, yeah, I'm going to have your N-word walk you home. 1.00

01:59:22.000 He was just real endearing, and I loved him.

01:59:24.000 He was great.

01:59:25.000 Well, he was supposed to do Saturday Night Live, but apparently when he got there, they realized that he couldn't read.

01:59:30.000 Yeah.

01:59:31.000 It's kind of a crazy story.

01:59:32.000 You know, I mean, he was like a hot comic.

01:59:35.000 A lot of people wanted him to do things, but he didn't know how to read.

01:59:40.000 I don't know.

01:59:41.000 He was super, super funny.

01:59:43.000 It's interesting that he had that style, you know, that that style influenced a lot of people.

01:59:48.000 That style of like doing street comedy, you know, just gathering a crowd out of nowhere.

01:59:54.000 I never had the guts to go on outside like that, but Chappelle watched him and watched him and watched him and Charlie sort of bringing him up every now and then.

02:00:02.000 He'd let him do a few minutes and Eventually, Dave, that just became one of his chapters.

02:00:08.000 It was amazing to watch.

02:00:10.000 Charlie was loud and his jokes were really short.

02:00:15.000 Dave was more soft-spoken and his jokes were longer.

02:00:19.000 So to see that in the park was fascinating because the park had to come to Dave a little bit and you really saw, at least I really saw, Having hung out there every night that every day, you know, sometimes Dave would do a few couple shows on a Sunday in the park and he'd make real fans and he got a real sense of who he was right there doing that.

02:00:41.000 I mean, it was magic to see a young genius in the middle of the public, just being him and having the public come to him, gravitate to him.

02:00:55.000 It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing to see.

02:00:59.000 That's cool.

02:00:59.000 I got a chance to see him perform at Catch Rising Star when he might have been 18. How old is Dave now?

02:01:09.000 Don't ask. 1.00

02:01:09.000 Look on the fucking computer. 1.00

02:01:11.000 I'm asking you because you got a computer in front of you. 1.00

02:01:12.000 How old is Dave Chappelle?

02:01:14.000 45. How old is Dave Chappelle?

02:01:18.000 Dave Chappelle is 41. Okay, so he's six years, seven years younger than me.

02:01:24.000 So that doesn't even make sense.

02:01:26.000 Because I was only like 23. Is that true?

02:01:31.000 Maybe he didn't get it.

02:01:31.000 Is that right?

02:01:32.000 41?

02:01:34.000 That doesn't make sense.

02:01:35.000 He's 42, because he was born August 24th, 1973, and I was born in 74, and I'm 41. Well, that's five days from now.

02:01:45.000 It was the 24th.

02:01:46.000 1973, though.

02:01:47.000 So he's 42. Next week.

02:01:49.000 Next week.

02:01:50.000 Next week he's 42. Oh, I see.

02:01:54.000 He got mad. 1.00

02:01:55.000 Damn it! 1.00

02:01:56.000 My math skills! 1.00

02:01:59.000 So if he's 42, I must... 1.00

02:02:03.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:02:04.000 That doesn't make any sense. 1.00

02:02:05.000 I guess maybe I was two...

02:02:07.000 So he's six years younger than me?

02:02:10.000 So I was...

02:02:11.000 Man, that seems weird.

02:02:13.000 Because I was really early 20s.

02:02:15.000 I was like 21 or 22. At the most, I was 24. Dave was doing comedy as a high school student.

02:02:22.000 Yeah, I guess he was 18 and I was 24. That makes sense, now that I think about it.

02:02:27.000 But I got a chance to see him at Catch Rising Star.

02:02:30.000 I was like, wow, what a precocious young man.

02:02:32.000 He was so advanced for his age.

02:02:35.000 And he was a lot like Tony Woods.

02:02:40.000 Remember Tony Woods?

02:02:41.000 Of course.

02:02:41.000 He was also from D.C., a hilarious guy.

02:02:43.000 I think Tony and him probably worked together.

02:02:46.000 They worked together.

02:02:47.000 I think Dave will fully admit that he was influenced by Tony.

02:02:51.000 Tony, they were good buddies.

02:02:53.000 I think they still are.

02:02:54.000 Yeah.

02:02:56.000 You always had this love for the older comics.

02:02:59.000 I remember that.

02:03:01.000 You were one of the first guys going to the Friars Club.

02:03:03.000 And I was like, look at Jeff. 0.99

02:03:04.000 He's in his fucking 20s. 0.99

02:03:06.000 He's hanging out at the Friars Club. 0.99

02:03:07.000 I had love for all comics.

02:03:09.000 And that's where the older comics were.

02:03:11.000 And they were smart.

02:03:12.000 I learned a lot.

02:03:14.000 Just about how life works.

02:03:15.000 Not just show business.

02:03:16.000 That's obvious.

02:03:17.000 You get to talk to an older comic about show business. 0.99

02:03:19.000 But I would talk to Buddy Hackett for hours about guns and pussy and politics and travel and food and booze. 0.98

02:03:27.000 And he knew everything. 0.97

02:03:29.000 Isn't it weird that there's a club, Friar's Club, like a dedicated comedian's club?

02:03:35.000 Comedy, show business, I see politicians there, musicians there, agents, lawyers.

02:03:40.000 Is that still going on, the Friar's Club?

02:03:41.000 Oh yeah, thriving, the Friar's Club on 55th Street between Park and Madison in New York City.

02:03:46.000 So it's not just comics?

02:03:48.000 No.

02:03:48.000 It wasn't always just comics?

02:03:49.000 No.

02:03:50.000 It's well known for the roasts, so comics are identified with it, but it's a fraternity for show business, basically.

02:03:58.000 A show business themed club.

02:04:00.000 And it's in New York and in LA? No, it's only in New York.

02:04:03.000 It was in LA for a long, long time, but not anymore.

02:04:06.000 When did it...

02:04:07.000 When Milton Berle died, it kind of died with him.

02:04:09.000 What year was that?

02:04:10.000 Ten years ago, I think.

02:04:12.000 Wow.

02:04:13.000 Did you ever meet Bob Hope?

02:04:14.000 I never met Bob Hope.

02:04:16.000 I met him once.

02:04:18.000 What was that like?

02:04:19.000 I was just a kid, but he was very nice.

02:04:21.000 He was golfing.

02:04:23.000 I was at the Memorial Tournament.

02:04:25.000 And there was this huge crowd of people and he was just walking by and he just looked over at me for some reason, just walked up to me and goes, hey kid!

02:04:32.000 And he signed my little paper thing and then just walked away. 0.98

02:04:37.000 Didn't take anyone else's photos or sign anyone else's shit. 0.98

02:04:41.000 I didn't even do anything different. 0.99

02:04:44.000 He just came right up.

02:04:44.000 It was weird.

02:04:45.000 Well, back in those days, there was not that many photos, because you didn't have a camera on me when I met Bob Hope.

02:04:51.000 Everybody's got a camera on them now.

02:04:53.000 Well, back then, I met Henny Youngman when I was a little kid, and he gave me a card, and I still have it.

02:04:58.000 I mean, I kind of like that.

02:04:59.000 Really?

02:04:59.000 You carried it in your pocket?

02:05:01.000 You would just reach for your wallet, like you still have it?

02:05:04.000 Yeah, no.

02:05:04.000 Do you still have it?

02:05:05.000 No, I do, but not Ami.

02:05:07.000 It was a music note with his name, with his autograph.

02:05:11.000 So cool, yeah.

02:05:12.000 He played violin in his acts.

02:05:13.000 Take my wife. 1.00

02:05:15.000 Take my wife, please. 1.00

02:05:17.000 He was a funny guy.

02:05:19.000 His picture is still hanging up at the Friars Club by Leroy Neiman, a beautiful painting.

02:05:24.000 It's like a living, breathing museum of show business.

02:05:27.000 But there's no place like that in LA anymore.

02:05:29.000 No.

02:05:29.000 Too bad, huh?

02:05:30.000 Yeah.

02:05:31.000 Were there that many old comics that are still kicking around in L.A.? Well, you know, there's always an old comic, you know.

02:05:39.000 It might not be from the Dean Martin Friars, you know, Celebrity Roast era, but there's always a new old comic.

02:05:48.000 Have you ever seen some of the memorabilia they have laying around the store from back when it used to be Ciro's and Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis used to perform there?

02:05:54.000 I haven't.

02:05:54.000 Oh, you gotta go into the office and see some of the cool posters and that old Ciro's sign.

02:05:59.000 It was Bugsy Siegel's joint.

02:06:01.000 Pretty wild. 1.00

02:06:02.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:06:02.000 Well, that's why everybody thinks it's haunted. 1.00

02:06:04.000 They think so many people were killed there.

02:06:06.000 There's a tunnel in the back of the comedy store.

02:06:08.000 Did they close it off?

02:06:10.000 Is it closed off?

02:06:11.000 Yeah, it's closed off by concrete, I think, right?

02:06:14.000 Something.

02:06:14.000 I don't know.

02:06:15.000 But there was a tunnel that went from the Comedy Store up the hill to a house that, like, people could escape through or they could fucking move shit to. 0.94

02:06:23.000 You know, the Comedy Store is just filled with catacombs and it's just fucking so clustered and confusing if you don't know your way around that place. 0.98

02:06:29.000 If you're some cop and you're looking for Meyer Lansky and he fucking just skirts out the back and... 0.93

02:06:35.000 I've seen bullet holes and stuff. 0.96

02:06:37.000 That's what it looked like.

02:06:37.000 Wow.

02:06:39.000 Go big screen on that. 1.00

02:06:40.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

02:06:41.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:06:43.000 That's the main room, man. 1.00

02:06:44.000 Holy shit. 0.99

02:06:46.000 How weird is that? 0.99

02:06:48.000 Because you kind of recognize it a little bit.

02:06:50.000 Looks like Jessica Rabbit should come out and start singing. 1.00

02:06:53.000 Which probably we did back then.

02:06:55.000 Or some facsimile.

02:06:57.000 Whoa, look at that.

02:06:59.000 That's what the stage looked like?

02:07:04.000 Maybe.

02:07:04.000 That might not be the same place.

02:07:06.000 That seems off.

02:07:08.000 But the other one was Ciro's, right?

02:07:09.000 That's it.

02:07:09.000 Look at that.

02:07:10.000 Wow. 0.81

02:07:11.000 That's a stripper. 1.00

02:07:12.000 Who is the girl? 0.61

02:07:13.000 A stripper. 1.00

02:07:14.000 Stripper Lil St. What is her name? 1.00

02:07:17.000 Cyr.

02:07:17.000 Lily St. Cyr?

02:07:19.000 C-Y-R? How do you say that?

02:07:21.000 Performing at Ciro's Nightclub. 0.92

02:07:23.000 A stripper at Ciro's. 0.94

02:07:24.000 Wow.

02:07:25.000 How weird.

02:07:27.000 Great.

02:07:28.000 Look at these old ladies watching this. 1.00

02:07:30.000 Look what it looked like.

02:07:31.000 Scroll down.

02:07:32.000 Look at the photo down.

02:07:33.000 Look at that. 1.00

02:07:33.000 That's the fucking front of the store, man. 1.00

02:07:35.000 That's nuts. 1.00

02:07:37.000 That is nuts.

02:07:38.000 Look at that.

02:07:39.000 God, it looks so similar to what it looks like now.

02:07:41.000 Frazier Smith still drives that car.

02:07:42.000 That's crazy.

02:07:44.000 That's a cool old car, man.

02:07:46.000 Those cars are worth a fuckload of money now.

02:07:47.000 That house isn't there anymore, right?

02:07:49.000 That's where the hotel is, to the right of it. 1.00

02:07:51.000 Yeah, let me chop that bitch down. 1.00

02:07:53.000 But that's definitely the store. 1.00

02:07:54.000 Like, the patio's there.

02:07:55.000 It's all intact.

02:07:56.000 Look at the sign.

02:07:57.000 Sammy Davis Jr. Wow.

02:08:00.000 Who's that guy?

02:08:01.000 Will Masten?

02:08:02.000 That was his dad.

02:08:03.000 Was it?

02:08:04.000 Yeah.

02:08:05.000 Really?

02:08:05.000 His uncle.

02:08:06.000 That was his uncle that he tap dance with.

02:08:08.000 Oh, so he worked with?

02:08:08.000 Wow.

02:08:09.000 Look at that.

02:08:10.000 Everybody pulling into the front. 1.00

02:08:12.000 Fuck, that's crazy to see. 1.00

02:08:14.000 It's crazy to see a place. 1.00

02:08:16.000 That's the fucking back parking lot, man. 0.99

02:08:18.000 That's the side area. 1.00

02:08:20.000 Jesus Christ.

02:08:22.000 That is so weird.

02:08:24.000 It's so weird to see that place like that.

02:08:27.000 Wait, so that's where the belly room is right here?

02:08:29.000 I think, isn't it?

02:08:32.000 Yeah, I mean, doesn't that look like the corner?

02:08:34.000 It does, kind of.

02:08:35.000 It looks totally like the corner.

02:08:38.000 And so I guess there's a sign in the front.

02:08:40.000 Or is that the front of the building?

02:08:41.000 No, no, no.

02:08:42.000 That has to be the marquee.

02:08:43.000 That's the front of the building.

02:08:44.000 Yeah, that's the front.

02:08:45.000 It just looked way different.

02:08:47.000 It was just set up way different.

02:08:50.000 It's amazing.

02:08:51.000 There's so much history in that place.

02:08:53.000 That place, it feels like comedy musical chairs, too.

02:08:57.000 Because it feels like the music's gonna stop and everyone's gonna be really sad.

02:09:01.000 Because when Mitzi dies, who knows what that place is gonna become. 0.79

02:09:05.000 Who's that guy? 1.00

02:09:06.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00

02:09:07.000 What the hell is that? 1.00

02:09:09.000 What is that guy doing with his dick? 1.00

02:09:13.000 Is he throwing a girl up in the air? 1.00

02:09:14.000 Yeah.

02:09:14.000 Oh, okay.

02:09:17.000 He's got his hands over his dick doing voodoo. 1.00

02:09:20.000 He's barefoot. 1.00

02:09:21.000 That guy's barefoot.

02:09:23.000 And he's throwing that woman in the air.

02:09:25.000 Wow.

02:09:27.000 That's crazy.

02:09:28.000 I wonder if anybody's ever done a documentary on C-R-O's. 0.87

02:09:32.000 New York doesn't really have a club like that, huh?

02:09:34.000 They don't have an old club.

02:09:36.000 Like, what's the oldest club in New York?

02:09:38.000 Comedy Cellar.

02:09:39.000 But that's like the 80s, right?

02:09:42.000 No.

02:09:42.000 70s?

02:09:43.000 Yeah.

02:09:44.000 70s?

02:09:44.000 That's pretty old.

02:09:46.000 So Cellar is the oldest place, you think?

02:09:48.000 I think so.

02:09:48.000 Comic Strip's been here a long time, but nothing is like this.

02:09:51.000 Catch was great.

02:09:53.000 That was a great little room.

02:09:54.000 That was a great little spot.

02:09:56.000 Man, this is freaking me out.

02:09:58.000 These photos are zeros.

02:09:59.000 Now, you go back and forth.

02:10:01.000 You go back and forth from New York to LA. Yeah, I'm in New York and LA. I'm bi-coastal.

02:10:05.000 So you just have fun. 0.99

02:10:06.000 Just do whatever the fuck you want. 0.99

02:10:07.000 Well, I mean... 0.99

02:10:08.000 You're kind of living a dream, Jeff Ross.

02:10:09.000 Things are good.

02:10:11.000 But you're kind of living a dream, you know, the way you do it.

02:10:14.000 I see you taking pictures, like, there was a picture of you the other day with Ray Romano in the cellar, and then boom, all of a sudden you're at the store.

02:10:21.000 You know, like, you just hop back and forth, and Ari's doing that, too. 1.00

02:10:25.000 Ari's your fear's doing that, too.

02:10:27.000 I like it, man.

02:10:28.000 I like, you know, you make the world smaller and I'm happy in both places.

02:10:34.000 I like to move around.

02:10:36.000 I like life on both.

02:10:38.000 I don't know.

02:10:39.000 Where do you like performing better?

02:10:43.000 I don't know.

02:10:45.000 I guess generally I like New York as a city, but I have all my friends out here.

02:10:49.000 I don't know.

02:10:50.000 Do you keep an apartment out here?

02:10:52.000 I have a house here.

02:10:53.000 So you have a house here and a place back there, too?

02:10:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:10:55.000 Look at you, you fucking animal. 1.00

02:10:56.000 I love it. 1.00

02:10:57.000 Motherfucka! 1.00

02:10:58.000 I like it. 0.99

02:10:59.000 Whatever happened to The Burn?

02:11:00.000 What happened, Comedy Central?

02:11:02.000 Yeah, they didn't make it after two seasons.

02:11:04.000 That was a fun show.

02:11:05.000 Yeah, so fun. 0.98

02:11:06.000 Fucking love that. 0.98

02:11:08.000 But you'd be tied down. 0.99

02:11:09.000 Then you'd have to stay here.

02:11:11.000 That's all right.

02:11:12.000 I would have done it for that.

02:11:13.000 I had all my buddies there working.

02:11:14.000 It was awesome.

02:11:15.000 You got anything going on right now?

02:11:17.000 Working on the next special.

02:11:18.000 I'm going to roast cops.

02:11:20.000 Right, you talked about that earlier.

02:11:21.000 I'm going to host the Oddball Tour with Amy and Aziz and I'm on Kingdom.

02:11:27.000 A couple new ideas coming up.

02:11:30.000 Things are good, man.

02:11:31.000 It's good to see you, buddy.

02:11:32.000 This is so much fun, dude.

02:11:34.000 You seem like it.

02:11:34.000 You seem overwhelmed.

02:11:36.000 What do you mean?

02:11:38.000 Nothing.

02:11:40.000 He's just very Did you ever meet Steve Martin?

02:11:44.000 No.

02:11:45.000 Never met Steve Martin.

02:11:46.000 Is there a comic that you want to meet that you haven't met?

02:11:49.000 Oh boy.

02:11:50.000 I never met Woody Allen.

02:11:51.000 That would be cool.

02:11:52.000 What do you think that conversation would be like?

02:11:54.000 I'd keep it about comedy.

02:11:56.000 Yeah, you'd have to.

02:11:57.000 If you ventured into girls, it would get a little weird. 0.98

02:12:00.000 Not really.

02:12:01.000 Start getting sweaty.

02:12:02.000 That'd probably be a fun conversation.

02:12:03.000 You think so?

02:12:04.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:12:05.000 I think he would.

02:12:06.000 He would open up to a comic before he would open up to anybody else.

02:12:09.000 Yeah.

02:12:10.000 Don't you feel like you'd just tell Woody Allen everything?

02:12:13.000 Me?

02:12:13.000 Yeah, definitely.

02:12:14.000 Pull him aside.

02:12:17.000 I feel like he'd be very open-minded.

02:12:19.000 Maybe.

02:12:19.000 Who knows?

02:12:20.000 You know, it's all dependent on who you're listening to.

02:12:22.000 If you listen to Mia Farrow, no.

02:12:24.000 Not so much.

02:12:25.000 You know?

02:12:25.000 But he's obviously a creative genius.

02:12:28.000 Obviously.

02:12:28.000 But, you know.

02:12:30.000 I got to know Mel Brooks.

02:12:31.000 That's my other one.

02:12:33.000 That's a big one.

02:12:34.000 Spent a lot of dinners at Sid Caesar's house listening to Mel.

02:12:38.000 Really?

02:12:39.000 Oh, yeah.

02:12:40.000 Wow.

02:12:40.000 That's huge.

02:12:42.000 That's gigantic.

02:12:43.000 I asked my Uncle Murray, he was coming out to visit a couple years ago, I said, if he could meet anybody, he's never been to LA, been all over the world, he's a Purple Heart, Silver Star recipient, World War II Army medic, helped liberate a concentration camp, dined all over the world,

02:12:59.000 best restaurants in the world, was a caterer, had a great life, outlived two wives, loved them both, he's never been to LA. I said, what do you want to do?

02:13:08.000 If he could meet, do anything, what would he do?

02:13:10.000 He's like, I'd like to meet Mel Brooks.

02:13:12.000 I was like, well, what's your second choice?

02:13:14.000 Because that's not happening. 0.99

02:13:16.000 And, you know, he's coming, he's coming, and it's getting closer, so fuck it, I write a letter to Mel Brooks. 1.00

02:13:23.000 A letter? 1.00

02:13:24.000 Yeah.

02:13:24.000 Wow.

02:13:25.000 And I knew where his office was, and I knew Mel a little bit, because I'd sat in Sid Caesar's house for different holidays and birthdays, and he'd always pop in with Carl Reiner.

02:13:36.000 Even when Sid was frail and old, Mel and Carl would make a big entrance.

02:13:42.000 Mel would lean right into Sid's wheelchair. 0.81

02:13:44.000 Mel! 1.00

02:13:45.000 Sid!

02:13:46.000 It's Mel Brooks and Carl Ryder!

02:13:49.000 And you see Sid light up.

02:13:51.000 It was great.

02:13:52.000 And, you know, it was like Fourth of July weekend a couple years ago. 1.00

02:13:57.000 And finally I'm like, fuck. 0.99

02:13:59.000 My uncle's only here for another couple more days. 1.00

02:14:01.000 We're having a great time.

02:14:02.000 We went to Fred Willard and Mary Willard's fireworks party.

02:14:06.000 And I took him to the polo lounge with Bob Saget.

02:14:09.000 And we've been having so much fun.

02:14:11.000 And he saw Renee Taylor at Genghis Khan Chinese restaurant.

02:14:15.000 He got a picture.

02:14:16.000 And, you know, my uncle's having the best time.

02:14:18.000 But, man, he did say, you know, months ago, that would be the one thing where the creme de la creme would be, you know, just a handshake and a photo with Mel Brooks.

02:14:27.000 I'm a little embarrassed, so I go into the bathroom and I call Mel's office because I don't want my uncle to hear me, even though he's 90, you know?

02:14:34.000 And I'm like, just make sure you got the letter, you know, following up.

02:14:39.000 I'm just like being as humble and, yeah, yeah, Mel's been out of town.

02:14:45.000 I'll see if I can get an answer to it.

02:14:47.000 Boom.

02:14:48.000 I have to go to an emergency dental appointment.

02:14:50.000 I think a filling fell out, so I take my uncle.

02:14:54.000 To the dentist with me.

02:14:56.000 I'm done.

02:14:56.000 It's 10.30.

02:14:57.000 Now I'm like, how do I kill our last day with my uncle?

02:15:00.000 I love my Uncle Murray.

02:15:01.000 He's just the family ball buster.

02:15:03.000 Mean Murray, we called him.

02:15:05.000 And he just basically made fun of me as a kid and taught me how to take a joke.

02:15:09.000 Like a real Jersey guy.

02:15:11.000 You know, lifelong caterer.

02:15:14.000 Just super funny.

02:15:16.000 And we're up.

02:15:18.000 I'm showing him, you know, Mulholland and this and that.

02:15:20.000 And we're right at the top of Laurel Canyon and Mulholland and my cell phone rings.

02:15:23.000 Hold for Mel Brooks.

02:15:25.000 I'm like, oh, this is where he's calling?

02:15:27.000 Like, there's gonna be no service up here.

02:15:29.000 This is terrible.

02:15:30.000 Like, this is...

02:15:31.000 Mel gets on.

02:15:34.000 He's like...

02:15:35.000 He's like...

02:15:38.000 Basically, so what's going on?

02:15:40.000 What's happening?

02:15:41.000 And I'm like, I'm trying to talk and drive down this hill all at once.

02:15:45.000 And I'm like, well, you know, I think it would be so nice of you to meet my uncle.

02:15:49.000 He just loves you.

02:15:51.000 Whatever I can say.

02:15:52.000 I think you guys, you're both World War II veterans.

02:15:54.000 We might have a lot in common.

02:15:56.000 And Mel goes, the only thing I have in common with you, with your uncle, is that I'm a nice guy.

02:16:00.000 So come on over in an hour and a half over to my office or the barbershop.

02:16:05.000 I don't know yet.

02:16:06.000 I'll call you back.

02:16:07.000 Click.

02:16:08.000 I go down the hill, and we're both in shorts, so we're panicking.

02:16:12.000 So we're racing down Laurel Canyon, and we run home to put long pants on and just comb our hair or whatever.

02:16:18.000 I'm just coming from the dentist, you know?

02:16:21.000 And my uncle's like, he doesn't ever...

02:16:24.000 He doesn't ever wait on line.

02:16:26.000 Like, you know, he has certain rules.

02:16:27.000 He's like a very proud, stubborn guy, you know, seen it all, and he's like nervously rehearsing opening lines to say to Mel Brooks...

02:16:35.000 What did he say to him?

02:16:37.000 He's like, how's this?

02:16:38.000 He goes, my uncle goes, how's this?

02:16:39.000 He goes, it's good to meet the king.

02:16:43.000 Because, you know, it's good to be the king is Mel's famous line.

02:16:46.000 Right.

02:16:47.000 And I'm like, yeah, that's good.

02:16:48.000 That's good.

02:16:49.000 I've never seen my uncle think of anything as second thought, you know.

02:16:52.000 And we get there and we have this parking spot on the lot right next to Mel's parking space.

02:16:58.000 And it's beautiful.

02:16:59.000 It's where they shot Gone with the Wind.

02:17:00.000 It's like this beautiful movie lot.

02:17:03.000 My uncle's, you know...

02:17:09.000 He has very bad knees, very, very weak knees from walking across Europe in World War II. He can barely stand for...

02:17:16.000 He was a very strong guy, worked his whole life as a cook in his catering hall, but now he's old and he can't...

02:17:23.000 Mel's office, for some reason, who, by the way, is only a year younger or two years younger, is on the second floor of this building.

02:17:31.000 So now my uncle, who can really...

02:17:35.000 Flies up this flight of stairs.

02:17:41.000 Wow.

02:17:42.000 Into Mel's office.

02:17:43.000 The assistant is there.

02:17:45.000 You're gonna get a drink?

02:17:46.000 Sure. 1.00

02:17:46.000 You know, my uncle's just like in the fucking zone. 1.00

02:17:49.000 And Mel's door opens and they go in there and they promise me, you know, five or ten minutes with Mel. 0.99

02:17:55.000 These two guys are in there for 75 minutes.

02:17:58.000 They know the same guys.

02:18:00.000 They were both in Patton's army.

02:18:02.000 They knew guys from New Jersey.

02:18:04.000 They knew guys from New York.

02:18:06.000 They're laughing.

02:18:08.000 You know, uh...

02:18:10.000 My uncle says, I've been a fan ever since the 2,000-year-old man.

02:18:14.000 And Mel says, it's the 1,000-year-old man.

02:18:16.000 Don't make me older than I am.

02:18:18.000 And they're just laughing, and I'm just staying out of the way.

02:18:22.000 I'm giving them both a couple setup lines because I kind of know both of their, you know, where they're going.

02:18:27.000 I'm trying to be helpful, but they've tuned me out for over an hour.

02:18:31.000 And they hit it off, and Mel signed a bunch of...

02:18:34.000 Gave my uncle his DVD set and signed it to my uncle.

02:18:39.000 And Mel walks us out himself.

02:18:41.000 And we took pictures.

02:18:43.000 A great picture.

02:18:44.000 I'll Instagram it this week or something.

02:18:46.000 And the door closes and we're walking down the hall.

02:18:51.000 And my uncle, who's never at a loss for words, he's bouncing.

02:18:54.000 And he's like, wow!

02:18:56.000 Wow!

02:18:57.000 Wow!

02:18:58.000 Wow!

02:18:59.000 Wow!

02:19:00.000 Like a little kid coming off a roller coaster.

02:19:03.000 That's great.

02:19:04.000 Uncle Murray.

02:19:05.000 That's a great story.

02:19:05.000 Uncle Murray.

02:19:06.000 He passed away.

02:19:06.000 Rest in peace.

02:19:07.000 We're not going to top that, so let's wrap it up right here.

02:19:10.000 That's awesome.

02:19:11.000 I love it.

02:19:12.000 Yeah, it's cool. 1.00

02:19:13.000 That's a great fucking story. 0.99

02:19:14.000 Thank you, Mel Brooks. 0.99

02:19:15.000 And then I see Mel.

02:19:17.000 You know, I thank him.

02:19:18.000 I thank him.

02:19:19.000 You know, he always asks me about Uncle Murray, and then Uncle Murray finally passed away.

02:19:23.000 And I said to Mel, I said, listen, Mel, if any of your uncles ever want to meet me, I'm happy to oblige.

02:19:29.000 LAUGHTER The Real Jeffrey Ross on Twitter and on Instagram.

02:19:37.000 Thanks, brother.

02:19:38.000 That was awesome.

02:19:38.000 It's a lot of fun, buddy.

02:19:39.000 Thanks for having me on your show.

02:19:41.000 He's always around.

02:19:42.000 You can see him at the store.

02:19:43.000 You see him in New York.

02:19:44.000 If he's in New York.

02:19:45.000 Come to Roast Battle on Tuesdays.

02:19:46.000 Roast Battle on Tuesdays.

02:19:47.000 Come see me on Yaball Tour, University of Rhode Island. 0.99

02:19:50.000 Come see Brian Redband tonight at the Sold Out Ice House show, bitch. 1.00

02:19:55.000 Yeah, nice. 0.98

02:19:56.000 Yeah, we're going to have some fun tonight at the Ice House.

02:19:58.000 Tony's on that one.

02:19:59.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, Joey Diaz, and Brian Callen. 0.99

02:20:02.000 Good fucking googly moogly! 0.99

02:20:05.000 This weekend, I'm at the store. 0.99

02:20:07.000 Friday night, I'm doing the late show in the belly room with me and the Golden Pony.

02:20:13.000 Tony Hinchcliffe, that should be fun.

02:20:15.000 That's Friday night, 10.30 at the store.

02:20:18.000 And I'm at the store all weekend, too. 1.00

02:20:20.000 Alright, you fucks. 1.00

02:20:21.000 Love the shit out of you people. 1.00

02:20:22.000 See you soon.

02:20:23.000 Bye-bye.

02:20:23.000 Mwah!

The Joe Rogan Experience - August 19, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #686 - Jeff Ross

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript