The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #693 - Tom Segura

00:00:00.000 Worst.

00:00:02.000 You know that Tommy Bunz is here when you start getting tweets that say, my jeans are high and tight and I'm ready. 1.00

00:00:11.000 If anybody ever started calling each other mommies or saying jeans are high and tight, we'd have to drive to their fucking house and beat their ass. 1.00

00:00:20.000 You want to talk about a niche that you guys have carved out. 1.00

00:00:23.000 Yeah.

00:00:24.000 Jeans high and tight.

00:00:25.000 I know.

00:00:26.000 It feels silly even saying it sometimes.

00:00:29.000 Like when I say it, I'm like, this sounds so crazy.

00:00:32.000 But that's your show, though. 1.00

00:00:34.000 Your show is fucking silly as shit, man. 1.00

00:00:36.000 Your mom's house. 1.00

00:00:37.000 If you haven't heard it, it's hilarious.

00:00:38.000 It's an awesome podcast.

00:00:39.000 And now you guys have a real studio now. 0.99

00:00:42.000 Yeah, we finally moved out of our house and got a proper studio and a proper office building with real professionals who are like, who the fuck are you guys? 0.96

00:00:52.000 It's just like what's happening to podcasts, man. 0.89

00:00:55.000 Slowly but surely, podcasts are being forced to be more and more professional.

00:00:58.000 Yeah, it's crazy, right?

00:00:59.000 It's so weird.

00:01:00.000 We walk out of our studio door in this really nice building.

00:01:04.000 There's an accountant to the right, a lawyer across from me, and a shrink to the left.

00:01:10.000 And they're like, what do you guys do?

00:01:11.000 I'm like, just farts and stuff.

00:01:15.000 Do you ever scream?

00:01:16.000 Do you guys scream?

00:01:17.000 Yeah, but here's the thing.

00:01:19.000 They also are like, what kind of front is this?

00:01:22.000 Because we're there a couple times a week for a couple hours.

00:01:26.000 We're never there.

00:01:27.000 So when they do see us, they're like, oh yeah, you guys.

00:01:30.000 We scream sometimes, and we don't go check on people, but we assume that they're like...

00:01:36.000 We don't even want to know.

00:01:37.000 Well, do you swear?

00:01:39.000 Like, when you scream, do you swear? 1.00

00:01:40.000 Like, you fucking bitch! 1.00

00:01:41.000 Like, you must, right? 1.00

00:01:42.000 Yeah, sometimes.

00:01:43.000 You get crazy.

00:01:45.000 It gets crazy, yeah.

00:01:46.000 Yeah, sometimes it gets pretty loud, and it's certainly offensive to them.

00:01:50.000 I mean, for, like, those...

00:01:52.000 Regular nine-to-fivers, there's no way they think that's normal stuff. 1.00

00:01:55.000 Those poor bastards. 1.00

00:01:56.000 A lot of them are listening right now. 1.00

00:01:58.000 People in those kind of offices are listening.

00:02:00.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:02:01.000 That shit is soul-sucking. 1.00

00:02:03.000 It is. 1.00

00:02:03.000 I talk about it sometimes. 1.00

00:02:04.000 Did you ever do an office office job?

00:02:08.000 No.

00:02:09.000 No, I never did an office office job.

00:02:11.000 I had job jobs, but never in an office. 0.93

00:02:13.000 I just knew from the time, whatever it is, ADD or whatever the fuck it is, I knew there was something wrong with my brain or something right with it.

00:02:24.000 I knew there's no way I'm ever going to be able to sit in an office. 0.88

00:02:26.000 I just can't do it.

00:02:27.000 Yeah.

00:02:28.000 I mean, I think back to when I did it.

00:02:30.000 I did it for a while at different places.

00:02:32.000 And I realize now, looking back on that, how depressed I was.

00:02:36.000 It's horrible.

00:02:37.000 It was really depressing.

00:02:38.000 And sometimes now, when I don't feel like doing something for my career now, like I'm bummed out to go do something, you know, like, I don't know, press or an audition.

00:02:50.000 Morning radio.

00:02:51.000 Yeah, morning radio or something.

00:02:52.000 Morning TV. Way worse than morning radio.

00:02:55.000 Way worse.

00:02:56.000 Actually, it's way worser.

00:02:57.000 It's the worst.

00:02:59.000 But when I think of that, sometimes I'll remind myself, like, oh, remember the real job that you had to do, you know?

00:03:07.000 And sitting in that cubicle?

00:03:09.000 It really was misery for me.

00:03:11.000 Yeah.

00:03:12.000 And I imagine it is for a lot of people still.

00:03:14.000 I did labor.

00:03:15.000 I did a lot of construction gigs.

00:03:18.000 My stepdad's an architect.

00:03:19.000 And so I got a lot of gigs on construction sites.

00:03:22.000 I call them gigs.

00:03:23.000 Jobs on construction sites.

00:03:24.000 But the worst one I ever got was my buddy Jimmy.

00:03:27.000 He got me a job.

00:03:28.000 We were building a Knights of Columbus Hall, and we had to build a wheelchair ramp for it.

00:03:34.000 That's what we were doing.

00:03:35.000 And it was just the entire time I was working for them.

00:03:38.000 I only think I lasted two weeks.

00:03:40.000 I was carrying cement and pressure-treated lumber.

00:03:43.000 So I was getting splinters in my fingers from pressure-treated lumber and carrying bags of cement.

00:03:48.000 And then at the end of the day, I would try to go work out.

00:03:50.000 I'd go to the gym and try to work out.

00:03:51.000 Collapse.

00:03:52.000 I was so tired.

00:03:53.000 And plus, I wasn't hydrating correctly.

00:03:55.000 Of course. 1.00

00:03:56.000 And I, you know, I was an idiot back then. 1.00

00:03:57.000 I was eating, like, fucking pastrami sandwiches for lunch. 1.00

00:04:00.000 Like, I wasn't eating healthy foods all the time. 0.99

00:04:03.000 Hey, I do that.

00:04:03.000 Well, I do too, but I mean when you're working all day, you should be eating throughout the day.

00:04:08.000 If you're doing that kind of labor, the amount of calories that you're burning by carrying lumber and sandbags, cement bags...

00:04:14.000 It's terrible.

00:04:15.000 It's exhausting.

00:04:16.000 I remember my first, first ever job was construction, where I was a freshman in high school.

00:04:21.000 It was the summer after freshman year, so I'm 14. That's not even legal.

00:04:25.000 You're not even supposed to be working.

00:04:27.000 Well, here's the job.

00:04:28.000 My friend's dad...

00:04:30.000 Bought really, really shitty apartment complex and was renovating it to make it, like, decent.

00:04:37.000 So he hired us because we were, like, slave labor, like, free, basically. 0.80

00:04:42.000 He'd be giving us, you know, whatever the regular rate is, it's half of that, but you're 14, 15, so you're like, yeah, that's a shitload of money, right?

00:04:48.000 And we were in Florida.

00:04:51.000 In the summertime, in apartments with no AC, laying tile.

00:04:57.000 So you're on your hands and knees, you know, putting the grout, laying the tile, and just the heat, it was just cooking you.

00:05:04.000 It was an oven, you know, like 100% humidity, 96 degrees outside.

00:05:09.000 On your hands and knees, sweat, just pools of sweat.

00:05:12.000 And then some, like, actual construction, like, stop sweating!

00:05:15.000 And you're like, I can't.

00:05:16.000 They would tell you to stop sweating? 0.99

00:05:18.000 Yeah, because you're getting the sweat in the grout and shit. 0.98

00:05:21.000 So then they'd come by, throw you a towel to clean up your sweat as you're laying tile on the ground. 0.97

00:05:27.000 I had a summer job where I was putting insulation in walls and attics in the summer.

00:05:33.000 And so you're sweating like a pig in Massachusetts.

00:05:36.000 It's hot and muggy. 1.00

00:05:38.000 You're sweating like a fucking pig, and that shit gets in your skin. 1.00

00:05:42.000 Literally, the fibers from insulation get in your skin. 1.00

00:05:45.000 It gets in your clothes.

00:05:47.000 It gets in your neck for some reason.

00:05:49.000 It attracts it.

00:05:51.000 It'll always be in here.

00:05:53.000 Ugh! 0.97

00:05:54.000 Just, you're breathing it in. 1.00

00:05:56.000 You wear those little stupid masks. 1.00

00:05:57.000 But those things don't do jack shit. 1.00

00:06:00.000 No. 0.86

00:06:00.000 I mean, they might keep, like, large particles from getting sucked right into your trap. 0.86

00:06:04.000 But they come in the sides.

00:06:07.000 They're breathing in air.

00:06:08.000 It's horrible.

00:06:09.000 I bet if you could look at it on, like, some sort of an infrared scan and see the particles coming in and out, like, you're taking that stuff in your lungs.

00:06:15.000 Imagine the guy that does that for 40 years.

00:06:17.000 Oh.

00:06:18.000 That's what it does to him.

00:06:19.000 You know, it's really freaky man people that work in coal mines Have you ever watched they had a reality show for a while about coal mines?

00:06:26.000 But I think they probably realized hey, we better fucking not have this cuz someone's gonna die while we're filming Yeah, and then people gonna you know be mad at us for making the show but they do live shorter lives, right? 0.81

00:06:38.000 Yeah They get black lung. 0.99

00:06:40.000 They literally get black lung.

00:06:42.000 I mean, you are 100% gonna breathe in coal dust all day.

00:06:46.000 You're in a mine.

00:06:47.000 You're in a hole in the ground where they're digging and they're pulling out coal. 1.00

00:06:52.000 I mean, it's fucking nutty, man. 0.99

00:06:54.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:06:55.000 It's really depressing to think about that that's what you're doing every day.

00:07:00.000 And in West Virginia and all these really, really poor places where they have these mines, they get pissed when city people want to come in and shut down the mines.

00:07:08.000 Yeah.

00:07:08.000 Sturgill Simpson, do you know who he is?

00:07:10.000 Country music star?

00:07:11.000 I know the name.

00:07:12.000 Brilliant, brilliant singer, but awesome, awesome dude, too.

00:07:16.000 Is he from there?

00:07:17.000 He's, yeah, and he has a song about it.

00:07:20.000 You know, he has a song about, I think it's called King Cole.

00:07:25.000 It's so depressing, but part of it is that people from the cities come in and they want to shut the mines down.

00:07:31.000 And he was describing it to me.

00:07:33.000 He was like, you've never seen poverty like this.

00:07:36.000 He's like, these people don't have nothing.

00:07:38.000 In the song he talks about welfare and pills.

00:07:42.000 Have you ever seen The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia?

00:07:45.000 Yes.

00:07:45.000 Holy Jesus!

00:07:47.000 It's unbelievable.

00:07:48.000 That's what it's like.

00:07:49.000 If you've never seen this, it's so worth seeing.

00:07:53.000 Might be the greatest white people documentary of all time. 0.92

00:07:56.000 It is.

00:07:57.000 It is.

00:07:57.000 It goes toe-to-toe with any...

00:08:00.000 And for any white person that talks trash about other races, well, you know, we're just different. 0.98

00:08:07.000 Watch The Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. 0.99

00:08:09.000 Yeah, anybody who thinks that white people are different than anybody else, this is what people are. 1.00

00:08:14.000 What people are is extremely malleable thinking organisms that adapt to their environment.

00:08:19.000 When your environment is all criminals and pills and welfare and scams, you just grow up in that environment.

00:08:28.000 That's who you are.

00:08:29.000 And it shows that you really are a product of that. 1.00

00:08:31.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:08:31.000 That whole family is just unbelievable how they really are the same The same organism, you know? 1.00

00:08:40.000 It's different people.

00:08:41.000 They're from the same family in the same area.

00:08:43.000 And there is no, like, one that's got it together.

00:08:47.000 It's like, it's...

00:08:48.000 Yeah, there they are.

00:08:49.000 My favorite is the girl.

00:08:51.000 My name is Sue Bob.

00:08:52.000 Yes, Sue Bob.

00:08:53.000 My name is Sue Bob.

00:08:54.000 Sue Bob, I'm the sexy one.

00:08:56.000 I've always been the sexy one in the family.

00:09:00.000 They're kind of like running through the beats at the beginning.

00:09:02.000 I love that one of them is like talking about pills and she's like, I think she's got like Xanax and she's like, pick these up for like two bucks.

00:09:13.000 And she's like, I'm gonna run over here and sell them for six.

00:09:16.000 It's a little boot scoot and boogie right there.

00:09:18.000 Her profit margin is four bucks, and she's thrilled about it.

00:09:21.000 Yeah.

00:09:23.000 The one chick, the way she talks. 1.00

00:09:25.000 She literally talks like this, like you can't believe that she's a real person.

00:09:30.000 That's her right there. 0.98

00:09:31.000 Yeah, you're doing a toned-down version of it.

00:09:33.000 I've always been the sexiest one in the family. 0.99

00:09:35.000 See if you can find her voice, Jamie, because when you hear her talk, you're like, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:09:41.000 That's not a real person. 0.99

00:09:42.000 I've always been the sexiest one in the family.

00:09:50.000 I used to have a buddy when I lived in New York.

00:09:54.000 It's gonna be her.

00:09:56.000 I gotta hear this.

00:10:00.000 This is her.

00:10:01.000 Well, I used to be a stripper back then when I was 17, 18, 19 years old.

00:10:06.000 I made the boot coups of money.

00:10:08.000 I'd bring home at least $15,000 to $2,000 a night in my boot.

00:10:13.000 And I've always been a sexist one in the family.

00:10:17.000 I've always had comments from thousands of people.

00:10:21.000 Oh, this is such a good documentary.

00:10:23.000 It's really great.

00:10:24.000 I had this buddy who was, when I lived in New York, who's racist. 1.00

00:10:27.000 And he's a good dude, but he would say shit about black people. 1.00

00:10:30.000 I always get really mad at him. 1.00

00:10:32.000 We always had disagreements about race.

00:10:34.000 And he would go, look, he goes, it's not racist if it's everywhere you look.

00:10:39.000 He goes, if you see, he goes, it's just being honest about what you're seeing. 1.00

00:10:43.000 I said, no, because if you grew up in that environment, you would be them, you dumb motherfucker. 1.00

00:10:51.000 You know, Westchester County. 1.00

00:10:53.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:10:54.000 In some nice white neighborhood, you know, like all your problems, you attribute all your problems, because he had problems, but he would attribute all his problems to his family and his fucked-up upbringing. 0.98

00:11:03.000 I'm like, well, think about your problems and how mild your fucked-up-ness was compared to these people that live in Harlem. 1.00

00:11:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:11.000 Or these people that live in the Boogie Down in the South Bronx that you're always shitting on. 0.99

00:11:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:16.000 Dude, if you grew up in that environment, you wouldn't be special.

00:11:19.000 You wouldn't stand out as being this guy who gets it together and is showing up for work every day.

00:11:23.000 You'd be smoking crack just like them.

00:11:25.000 We are a product of our environment.

00:11:28.000 Well, it's like people, they don't think that...

00:11:31.000 They don't think about how lucky they are just to be born somewhere in a certain circumstance.

00:11:37.000 I was shooting the intro to my new special.

00:11:43.000 We're shooting a one-minute short that plays right before the special.

00:11:48.000 Like a little sketch, basically.

00:11:50.000 And we were shooting it all over L.A. And we ended up in East L.A. in Ramona Gardens in the Hazard Projects.

00:11:59.000 Ooh! 1.00

00:12:00.000 This shit is no joke, right? 1.00

00:12:02.000 And as we're there, I was, like, just thinking about, like, man, like, because all these kids came up to us because they saw the, you know, the cameras and the equipment, you know, the boom and all that. 0.99

00:12:13.000 And they were, like, they were just interested in what we were doing.

00:12:18.000 And they were young kids.

00:12:19.000 I mean, they're teenage kids.

00:12:20.000 I just couldn't help but think about, like, man, like...

00:12:23.000 This funny thing, because it's still considered Los Angeles, I was like, when you say L.A. to these kids, this is what they think it is.

00:12:30.000 This is L.A. to them.

00:12:31.000 Like, the projects here.

00:12:33.000 They don't think of L.A. as Hollywood or Bel Air or, you know, Malibu.

00:12:39.000 Like, everyone's perspective on what that is just depends on where you're from or how you're brought up.

00:12:44.000 Like, they have a really rough neighborhood, man.

00:12:48.000 Really rough. 1.00

00:12:49.000 Like, that's Mexican mafia, you know, cartel kind of shit. 1.00

00:12:53.000 Like, you know, it's... 1.00

00:12:54.000 Face tattoos. 1.00

00:12:55.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:12:56.000 Yeah, a lot, man. 1.00

00:12:58.000 A lot. 1.00

00:12:58.000 It's scary shit. 1.00

00:12:59.000 And those kids were just born there. 1.00

00:13:01.000 Yeah, you just get a shit roll of the dice. 0.99

00:13:04.000 You go to school with all those crazy kids that are dealing with whatever they had to deal with when they were growing up. 0.99

00:13:09.000 Yeah.

00:13:10.000 Yeah, man.

00:13:12.000 There's a real problem in our culture where that doesn't get addressed. 1.00

00:13:17.000 Like, when you hear Donald Trump on TV talking about, like, Mexicans coming over here, they're all rapists and murderers. 1.00

00:13:23.000 Hey, dude, we got plenty of rapists and murderers right here. 1.00

00:13:25.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:13:26.000 And some of them, I assume, are good people.

00:13:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:13:31.000 What a dick. 1.00

00:13:32.000 I assume. 1.00

00:13:33.000 Some of them.

00:13:34.000 Some of them.

00:13:36.000 The idea that nobody ever talks about what a real issue that is.

00:13:40.000 People will lay out problems, like tax problems.

00:13:44.000 They'll lay out, like, here's the problem with taxes in this country, and this is my plan.

00:13:48.000 I want to institute a flat tax, and I want to do this, and I want to do that. 0.97

00:13:50.000 But nobody ever goes, like, these are kids that are growing up in these environments that are fucked. 0.83

00:13:56.000 And the burden that they have is so much more than the burden that someone has if they're growing up in Pasadena. 0.97

00:14:01.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:02.000 You know, extreme poverty, that's a real, real issue that affects a lot more people.

00:14:08.000 And we have it in this country.

00:14:10.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:11.000 People always think of it as, you know, because it is, you know, more extreme, let's say, in other places.

00:14:15.000 But there's a lot, there's millions of people in this country that live in extreme, below the poverty line.

00:14:20.000 Like, Yeah.

00:14:21.000 Yearly income.

00:14:23.000 The cost of living is higher here.

00:14:24.000 Yeah.

00:14:25.000 So, like, if you compare the extreme poverty here, compare the extreme poverty in Bangladesh.

00:14:29.000 Yeah.

00:14:30.000 Yeah, I'm sure Bangladesh has more extreme poverty.

00:14:32.000 And it's probably more extreme even in the context of, like, even if you look at the cost of living.

00:14:38.000 Yeah.

00:14:38.000 But it's still no excuse.

00:14:42.000 It's like there's no thought at all about trying to fix those issues.

00:14:46.000 Right.

00:14:47.000 Yeah.

00:14:47.000 People, yeah, it's not on their mind.

00:14:49.000 It's fucked, man, because you think about it. 0.99

00:14:52.000 How much time do you have? 1.00

00:14:54.000 You ever met someone who had a fucked up childhood and you go, man, if you could just get out of your own way, if you could just figure out how to get out of your own way and deal with all the shit that has messed you up up until this point, you'd have so much more opportunity. 0.98

00:15:07.000 You'd have so much more. 0.98

00:15:09.000 You would get things done more. 0.99

00:15:11.000 Sometimes they didn't even have a fucked up childhood. 0.98

00:15:14.000 You just meet them and you're like, get out of your own way. 0.98

00:15:18.000 You're putting the obstacles in front of yourself.

00:15:20.000 I think a big problem, and a lot of people have it in different facets of their life, is just denial.

00:15:26.000 Denial's a big thing.

00:15:27.000 People live in denial about any number of things.

00:15:32.000 About, you know, jobs, about money, about looks, about weight, about sex, about everything.

00:15:38.000 But, like, that denial, you can really, you can sink into it and live in it for decades.

00:15:42.000 You live your whole life in denial.

00:15:44.000 I see people like that a lot.

00:15:45.000 Yeah, you know, if you don't want to look at what you're doing wrong, if you don't want to look at what you need to clean up.

00:15:51.000 And it's really that they're scared of the feelings.

00:15:54.000 Sure.

00:15:54.000 It's just a fear of, like, if I face that, what will that be like?

00:15:58.000 And I think the reality is, most of the time when you do...

00:16:01.000 It's not as bad as you thought.

00:16:02.000 It's the fear of that feeling is worse than the feeling itself.

00:16:04.000 Well, the feeling, even if it does suck, once you get over it, the feeling of overcoming that is so much better than the feeling of just dealing with it and putting it in the box.

00:16:12.000 Yeah, true.

00:16:13.000 You know, the people that ignore reality or hide from reality, you're only gonna get so far with that.

00:16:22.000 You're always gonna have those boundaries up that you can't overcome.

00:16:26.000 Because you've put them up to protect yourself from the truth and part of what it is about being a person when you're trying to get better at something, you've got to be able to look at the truth.

00:16:35.000 You have to be.

00:16:36.000 And if you don't look at the truth in certain aspects of your life, that's going to creep into the other aspects of your life too.

00:16:42.000 Yeah.

00:16:43.000 It's like the whole thing of, you know, being organized at your desk is going to spill out to your house and your car.

00:16:51.000 You know what I mean?

00:16:51.000 Oh, yeah.

00:16:52.000 You do one thing right, it will spill out to the rest.

00:16:55.000 And if you do things wrong, it'll spill out, too.

00:16:57.000 Yeah, there was an old saying in the gym, like, live every minute like a champion.

00:17:03.000 Do your homework like a champion.

00:17:05.000 Do, you know, whatever chores you have to do, do that like a champion, and you'll be a champion in everything you do.

00:17:10.000 Be a champion in everything you do in life.

00:17:13.000 I'm not doing that.

00:17:16.000 My office is a mess.

00:17:19.000 It's hard to do that and everything. 0.99

00:17:20.000 That's my biggest fucking problem right now. 0.99

00:17:22.000 I should make a video just to shame myself of my office because I get these packages, boxes of shit that people send me and that companies send me and they fucking stack up in my office. 0.99

00:17:32.000 Sure. 0.98

00:17:33.000 My house looks clean because, you know, I have a wife and she's organized and stuff. 0.99

00:17:37.000 But my office looks like I'm a fucking hoarder. 0.97

00:17:40.000 If my office was my whole house, you'd be like, Jesus. 0.98

00:17:43.000 I put a dent in it this weekend, though.

00:17:46.000 Alright, I got home.

00:17:47.000 I put a dent in it Thursday and another dent in it on Sunday. 1.00

00:17:51.000 I got rid of a lot of shit. 1.00

00:17:53.000 I feel like someone sneaks into my place and puts shit there. 0.99

00:17:56.000 Because I filled up eight trash bags, like big ones, of just clothes and shit and cords and papers and then like... 0.99

00:18:06.000 It's like a week or two later, I'm like, where'd all this shit come from? 0.99

00:18:09.000 Like, there's new shit. 0.99

00:18:10.000 I feel like I haven't bought it or anything. 0.99

00:18:11.000 It's just spilling out of places.

00:18:12.000 I have cables that go to things that I don't even own.

00:18:16.000 And don't you hold onto them?

00:18:17.000 Yeah, but what if I do get another Garmin navigation system?

00:18:21.000 Garmin! 0.73

00:18:22.000 I want to put it in a rental car. 1.00

00:18:25.000 I had like three or four of these fucking stupid Garmin's. 1.00

00:18:27.000 Oh, the new one's different. 1.00

00:18:29.000 Let me get the new one.

00:18:30.000 This one, you download the updates from the internet and you plug it in with a USB. For sure.

00:18:35.000 This is exciting.

00:18:36.000 I threw away cables.

00:18:37.000 I'm like, this is a male-to-male USB cable.

00:18:39.000 Do I need it?

00:18:40.000 It's a bucket!

00:18:40.000 You know you don't need it.

00:18:42.000 If you need it, you go to Fry's and you get a new one.

00:18:45.000 Yeah, but I had to talk it out like I was on Hoarders.

00:18:48.000 My wife was like, are we cool to get rid of this? 0.75

00:18:50.000 And I was like, let me think about it.

00:18:52.000 It means something to me.

00:18:53.000 That and boxes. 0.99

00:18:54.000 The box that the shit came in, I'm like, just keep those boxes. 0.99

00:18:57.000 It's like, for what? 1.00

00:18:59.000 I don't know.

00:19:01.000 It came in that box.

00:19:03.000 We should keep that box.

00:19:04.000 Is part of that from, you know, we were all poor?

00:19:06.000 Like, we were all, at one point in our life, we were all poor.

00:19:09.000 And when you're poor, you know, you, like, everything is, like, precious. 1.00

00:19:13.000 You gotta keep the shit. 1.00

00:19:14.000 Is that what it is? 1.00

00:19:15.000 I think it almost goes back to, I think it goes back to, like, Christmas, childhood Christmas, where it's, like, the box that the thing came in is, like, is as exciting as what's in it.

00:19:27.000 And...

00:19:27.000 It was also super important to returning things.

00:19:30.000 In my house, my mom returned fucking everything that she bought, and then got a new thing. 1.00

00:19:35.000 She was always exchanging. 0.97

00:19:36.000 So I feel like I'm almost attached to, I might need this for the product later, even though I never do.

00:19:43.000 I've never returned.

00:19:45.000 Do you ever return things that you buy online?

00:19:48.000 I've only done it once or twice out of a hundred purchases.

00:19:53.000 I don't do it a lot.

00:19:55.000 My wife does it every month. 1.00

00:19:57.000 No, I could not do that.

00:19:58.000 Every month, she's sending something back.

00:20:00.000 I bought it, I tried it, it didn't work, I didn't like it.

00:20:02.000 I'd be overwhelmed at the idea. 0.99

00:20:04.000 I bought shit that's been pretty expensive. 0.97

00:20:08.000 I'm like, I don't really like this, and then I just keep it. 1.00

00:20:12.000 Like an asshole, like it just sits there. 1.00

00:20:14.000 Online shopping is a real fucking problem for some people. 1.00

00:20:18.000 It's become more of a problem than any other kind of shopping. 0.98

00:20:20.000 You realize where it's going to go, too?

00:20:22.000 It's going to be that there's no stores at some point.

00:20:25.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:25.000 Yeah.

00:20:26.000 Well, the stores that exist, they'll probably be like either stores for like large appliances.

00:20:31.000 Right.

00:20:31.000 Something you have to actually go.

00:20:33.000 And check out.

00:20:34.000 Or maybe like, well, like small stores that are like owned by people, like small.

00:20:41.000 Have you noticed that like there's these...

00:20:44.000 Fake, like, craft restaurants.

00:20:46.000 They're, like, fake.

00:20:47.000 Meaning that, like, they use, like, raw metal and, like, weathered-looking wood that's not really weathered.

00:20:56.000 It's not really old wood.

00:20:57.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:58.000 You know what I mean?

00:20:58.000 Like, there's this, like, trend.

00:21:00.000 That's a whole look.

00:21:01.000 Yeah.

00:21:02.000 There's, like, what is it called?

00:21:03.000 Craftsmen?

00:21:04.000 It's like this trend to make everything look like it's...

00:21:07.000 Vintage.

00:21:07.000 Yeah.

00:21:08.000 That was the thing with clothes for a long...

00:21:10.000 I mean, it probably still is, right?

00:21:11.000 Where it's like the jeans that you buy that look like you've had them for three years.

00:21:13.000 Oh, that have holes in them.

00:21:14.000 Yeah.

00:21:15.000 And they're all like...

00:21:16.000 Those are embarrassing.

00:21:16.000 Yeah.

00:21:16.000 Faded.

00:21:17.000 It's like it's a natural faded look, but actually they did it in a factory.

00:21:21.000 Like they...

00:21:22.000 Yes.

00:21:22.000 Made it look faded.

00:21:23.000 Well, they beat them up, too. 0.99

00:21:24.000 They wreck them and rub them with wire brushes and shit. 0.97

00:21:28.000 It's kind of a weird thing. 0.94

00:21:28.000 Yeah, it's very weird. 0.94

00:21:29.000 It's weird that girls can still wear them. 1.00

00:21:31.000 Girls can still wear jeans with all these fake holes in them. 1.00

00:21:35.000 Dudes can't wear that anymore.

00:21:36.000 No.

00:21:37.000 No.

00:21:37.000 The jeans for a guy, there's pretty much...

00:21:41.000 Well, there's pretty much three things that are acceptable.

00:21:44.000 You're either like a skinny jean dude guy, right?

00:21:47.000 Like, that's just your look.

00:21:48.000 You can wear them like skin tight.

00:21:50.000 Baggy jeans. 1.00

00:21:51.000 Or, fuck it. 1.00

00:21:54.000 Like, I'm giving up on things. 1.00

00:21:56.000 Sweatpants.

00:21:57.000 It's like sweatpants, or it's like that dad jean, like where they're kind of like whitewashed almost, like they're like light, light, light, light blue, where it doesn't look that good really on anyone, and they kind of wear them a little too high.

00:22:10.000 High and tight.

00:22:11.000 High and tight, yeah.

00:22:11.000 That's what you're saying, high and tight.

00:22:13.000 Yeah.

00:22:14.000 Yeah, there's certain looks that are still acceptable for women, though. 1.00

00:22:18.000 Women can go way further with the looks, yeah. 1.00

00:22:20.000 They can have holes all over their jeans, from their pockets all the way down to, like, their knees.

00:22:24.000 How about the, speaking of high and tight, the super high-waisted, over-the-navel look, where it still looks good?

00:22:30.000 That's a new thing, right?

00:22:31.000 It's like it was old and it came back, yeah.

00:22:33.000 And then...

00:22:34.000 Over the navel?

00:22:35.000 Yeah, over the navel I've seen it, yeah.

00:22:37.000 That's unnecessary.

00:22:38.000 But you only see it on, like, really fit women. 1.00

00:22:41.000 Like, it's not like, you know, like, that's like a sexy look.

00:22:44.000 It's like, you know, they do that, they can wear a low-cut one, whereas it's below the waist, or you can see it, like, super low.

00:22:52.000 That's good.

00:22:53.000 That's good. 1.00

00:22:53.000 Well, we like it like the smallest amount of cloth between your vagina and air. 1.00

00:22:58.000 Yeah, that's true. 0.99

00:22:59.000 That's what we like. 0.98

00:23:00.000 If you're wearing, like, some sort of a fucking jumper suit that goes all the way up to your neck, and it's made out of corduroy. 0.98

00:23:06.000 Yeah, no, I don't know. 0.98

00:23:07.000 That's too much work.

00:23:08.000 And then there's like, it's almost amazing sometimes where like, you see, I'm not even saying at the beach, like I'm in a restaurant, a hotel, ass cheek hanging out of those jeans where you're like, it kind of stops you in your tracks for a second, right?

00:23:22.000 Wow. 0.99

00:23:23.000 That's a real ass chick. 1.00

00:23:24.000 You're almost naked in this hotel lobby right now. 1.00

00:23:27.000 And then she's just like getting another key for the room.

00:23:30.000 Thanks a lot.

00:23:30.000 And you're like, do you know how you're walking around right now?

00:23:33.000 Are you talking about pants or shorts?

00:23:35.000 Shorts.

00:23:36.000 Yeah.

00:23:36.000 You're like, Jesus Christ.

00:23:38.000 Half of your vagina is hanging out. 1.00

00:23:40.000 Is hanging out. 1.00

00:23:41.000 And then she's like, could you not look at me, please?

00:23:42.000 Thanks.

00:23:43.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:43.000 If she's climbing, if she's stepping up a stair, like climbing a stair and then drops her keys and bends over to pick it up with one leg up, you'll see her pussy. 1.00

00:23:50.000 That little lip's going to fall out. 0.99

00:23:51.000 Yep.

00:23:53.000 Especially if she's got those... 0.96

00:23:55.000 Horse lips?

00:23:59.000 One can only hope. 0.97

00:24:01.000 Yeah, and they fray them down to get the crotch. 1.00

00:24:04.000 It's so small. 0.68

00:24:06.000 It barely holds it all together.

00:24:09.000 Barely.

00:24:10.000 Yeah.

00:24:11.000 I mean, I'm celebrating that look.

00:24:12.000 I'm not critical of it.

00:24:14.000 But it still is amazing that that's...

00:24:17.000 A choice in society, right?

00:24:19.000 Like, the barely clothing look.

00:24:22.000 They're working hard, and it's a girl choice. 0.99

00:24:25.000 It's like, dudes can't wear Daisy Dukes.

00:24:28.000 Yes. 1.00

00:24:29.000 Unless you're trying to get some dick. 1.00

00:24:30.000 Yeah, I mean, you can get that dick with that, for sure. 1.00

00:24:32.000 You can get that dick. 1.00

00:24:33.000 Yeah, guys, you would wear Daisy Dukes and, like, Timbalands with, like, scrunchie socks. 1.00

00:24:38.000 That's a hell of a look. 1.00

00:24:40.000 But there's a certain look where, like, unquestionably, that dude's willing to suck your dick. 1.00

00:24:45.000 For sure. 1.00

00:24:45.000 Like a guy with a construction hat on, wearing Daisy Dukes, no shirt, and scrunchy socks with Timbalands on. 1.00

00:24:52.000 That dude's just sucking dick. 1.00

00:24:53.000 That's what he's here for. 1.00

00:24:54.000 And if you see that dude, and you make eye contact, and you just grab your dick, like that, he's going to come over and attack it. 1.00

00:25:01.000 Especially you with that beard. 1.00

00:25:02.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:25:03.000 You fucking manly bastard. 1.00

00:25:04.000 This beard man. 1.00

00:25:06.000 Yeah.

00:25:07.000 Some dudes are not into that.

00:25:09.000 They're into the twinks.

00:25:10.000 Yeah.

00:25:10.000 They're into the twinks.

00:25:11.000 But you can get in trouble from saying twink.

00:25:13.000 Did you know that?

00:25:14.000 Twinks now.

00:25:15.000 Is that off the table?

00:25:16.000 The guy who owns Bravo got in trouble for saying twink.

00:25:20.000 He called somebody a twink.

00:25:21.000 The gang guy?

00:25:23.000 Andy Cohen? 0.97

00:25:24.000 Who's up About as gay as a guy can be. 1.00

00:25:26.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:25:26.000 I mean, he's about as gay as a guy. 0.99

00:25:28.000 He's like, I would say, like, perfect gay, too. 0.97

00:25:31.000 Like, he's got it all going on.

00:25:32.000 Handsome.

00:25:33.000 Handsome.

00:25:33.000 Successful.

00:25:34.000 Wealthy.

00:25:34.000 Yeah.

00:25:35.000 Yeah, he probably...

00:25:35.000 Great suits.

00:25:36.000 Just gets dick any time he wants. 1.00

00:25:37.000 Oh, tossed at him. 1.00

00:25:38.000 His phone probably runs out of batteries every five minutes because it's just vibrating from dick pics. 1.00

00:25:43.000 He gets tired of dicks. 1.00

00:25:44.000 Yeah, for sure. 0.99

00:25:45.000 I mean, how long can a battery... 0.99

00:25:46.000 How many dick pics can a battery get before it just dies? 0.99

00:25:51.000 I bet that guy knows. 0.99

00:25:52.000 That's an experiment, yeah.

00:25:53.000 Andy knows the answer.

00:25:54.000 Ask Andy.

00:25:55.000 That's the name of that segment.

00:25:56.000 It's called Ask Andy.

00:25:58.000 He should be the guy that they test all their iPhone batteries on. 0.99

00:26:03.000 He's got so many dicks. 0.97

00:26:05.000 He's just so successful. 0.99

00:26:07.000 And he's handsome.

00:26:08.000 He's got salt and pepper hair.

00:26:10.000 Some people don't know this.

00:26:11.000 He's not just higher talent.

00:26:13.000 He's the executive.

00:26:15.000 He makes...

00:26:17.000 The programming choices, yeah.

00:26:19.000 It's pretty remarkable.

00:26:20.000 Well, it's hilarious that he has all these housewives, like, bitching at each other. 1.00

00:26:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:23.000 Those fucking shows have gotten so brutal. 1.00

00:26:26.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:26.000 I watched the Real Housewives. 1.00

00:26:28.000 My wife watches the Beverly Hills one.

00:26:30.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

00:26:30.000 So we had it on the DVR in the gym in the house, so I said, let me watch this fucking shit and see if I get angry enough to lift. 1.00

00:26:38.000 Yeah, I can't watch that Real Housewives one. 1.00

00:26:39.000 It doesn't make you angry enough to lift.

00:26:41.000 It makes you confused.

00:26:42.000 You feel so bad for those women.

00:26:44.000 You want to take them on a psychedelic retreat or something.

00:26:48.000 What are you doing?

00:26:49.000 I understand that this is a job and that you're kind of getting paid to be this person.

00:26:55.000 It becomes intoxicating because you get all this attention.

00:26:59.000 And then you kind of get caught up in the momentum of being on the cover of these magazines.

00:27:03.000 And this girl's got a feud with that girl and I won't work with her. 1.00

00:27:06.000 But when you watch them scream and yell at each other, Oh my God.

00:27:10.000 I can't watch that after a while.

00:27:12.000 I can't watch the...

00:27:13.000 Because those shows, they ride on...

00:27:16.000 The fuel of that show is confrontations. 0.84

00:27:19.000 And after you watch so many people argue and insult and get just mean and shitty, one commercial break after the other, there's a certain point where I tap out.

00:27:32.000 I can't do it.

00:27:32.000 Well, it's also for nothing.

00:27:35.000 Right, nothing's happening.

00:27:36.000 Nothing of substance is arguing, yeah.

00:27:38.000 It's not like somebody robbed someone in some sort of a business deal.

00:27:40.000 I told Kathy that my party was Friday, and she said she was bringing Ramon. 0.99

00:27:45.000 And I was like, you can't fucking bring Ramon. 1.00

00:27:47.000 It's not your party, bitch. 1.00

00:27:49.000 I can't believe... 1.00

00:27:49.000 And then, like, that's... 1.00

00:27:50.000 That is...

00:27:52.000 The episode.

00:27:53.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:27:53.000 Is that Kathy's bringing Ramon to the fucking party without asking. 0.99

00:27:56.000 Maybe if you would just get off those fucking pills, you would know. 1.00

00:27:59.000 Bitch. 1.00

00:27:59.000 Fuck you, bitch! 1.00

00:28:00.000 These girls were... 1.00

00:28:02.000 One of them was going on.

00:28:03.000 She said something about, you know, everybody knows about your husband. 1.00

00:28:07.000 You bring my fucking husband up, you fucking bitch! 1.00

00:28:10.000 She throws a drink at her and throws a glass at her. 1.00

00:28:13.000 We don't even know.

00:28:14.000 It might not even be real.

00:28:16.000 They might have orchestrated it.

00:28:18.000 They might have said, she's going to bring up your husband and you're going to freak out. 0.82

00:28:21.000 So when she brings up your husband... 1.00

00:28:23.000 Freak the fuck out. 1.00

00:28:24.000 Just freak the fuck out. 0.99

00:28:25.000 Throw a glass. 0.94

00:28:26.000 And she threw a glass, but she threw it kind of in her direction. 0.99

00:28:30.000 At the ground.

00:28:31.000 If you're throwing a glass at somebody, it's already assault.

00:28:35.000 If you hit someone with a glass, the glass breaks.

00:28:37.000 I think that's assault with a dangerous weapon.

00:28:40.000 It means glass. 1.00

00:28:41.000 You can fuck someone's face up. 1.00

00:28:43.000 If someone's really trying to hurt you with a glass, they throw it at you. 1.00

00:28:47.000 But they're not throwing it at you.

00:28:48.000 They're throwing it at the ground, like in front of you, to make a point.

00:28:52.000 It's so dramatic and fake. 0.99

00:28:54.000 Take all those bitches and bring them to that project that you went to. 1.00

00:28:58.000 Bring them to West Virginia. 1.00

00:28:59.000 Make them hang out with the Real Housewives. 0.99

00:29:01.000 Real Housewives.

00:29:03.000 I always been the sexy one in my family. 1.00

00:29:06.000 Oh, you fucking, what are you talking about? 1.00

00:29:08.000 I'm sexy. 1.00

00:29:08.000 Look at my lips. 1.00

00:29:11.000 You want Xanax?

00:29:12.000 Four bucks.

00:29:13.000 Just opening up her lips and stuffing trouts in it. 1.00

00:29:16.000 Catfish.

00:29:17.000 Plumping her lips up with just fish guts. 1.00

00:29:20.000 Speaking of dicks. 1.00

00:29:22.000 Did you already talk about that guy with now the biggest dick in the world? 1.00

00:29:27.000 We haven't talked about it. 1.00

00:29:28.000 The Mexican gentleman that has an 18-inch, 20-pound dick? 1.00

00:29:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:32.000 Where the circumference of the head is 10 inches? 1.00

00:29:36.000 That dick pic, that would get Andy moist. 1.00

00:29:39.000 It makes... 1.00

00:29:39.000 Not really. 1.00

00:29:40.000 I think nobody wants an ass that stretched out. 1.00

00:29:42.000 No. 1.00

00:29:42.000 Plus, that's like a horse dick. 1.00

00:29:44.000 That's like the guy who fucked to death by the horse. 1.00

00:29:46.000 It's a horse dick. 1.00

00:29:46.000 It's probably bigger than a horse dick. 1.00

00:29:48.000 No. 1.00

00:29:48.000 No, it's not. 1.00

00:29:49.000 Well... 0.99

00:29:50.000 The horse dick was literally like an arm. 0.99

00:29:52.000 This is pretty close. 0.99

00:29:53.000 He said it's ruined his life.

00:29:55.000 He said he's like...

00:29:56.000 I don't know why it affected work, but he, you know, affected jobs.

00:30:00.000 He said no woman wants to be with him. 1.00

00:30:02.000 Yeah, but he's probably a fucking loser anyway. 1.00

00:30:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:09.000 Do you think he's having fun listening to this episode? 0.99

00:30:11.000 He's like, God damn it! 1.00

00:30:12.000 He's Mexican. 1.00

00:30:13.000 He can't speak English.

00:30:14.000 He could.

00:30:15.000 We're not going to stop Mexicans from downloading the podcast. 1.00

00:30:17.000 They're rapists. 1.00

00:30:18.000 What? 1.00

00:30:18.000 Don't say that. 1.00

00:30:19.000 That's bullshit. 0.99

00:30:20.000 Every time I go to San Diego, I'm surprised at how many people come to my show that are from Tijuana. 1.00

00:30:24.000 Really?

00:30:25.000 They come up?

00:30:25.000 Yeah.

00:30:26.000 You can come up.

00:30:27.000 There's this illusion.

00:30:29.000 People have this idea that it's impossible to visit the United States from Mexico.

00:30:33.000 You could totally visit.

00:30:35.000 Yeah, sure.

00:30:36.000 You can come up all the time.

00:30:37.000 Like, people come up from T1 all the time.

00:30:39.000 Like, whenever I do shows down in San Diego, I do...

00:30:42.000 Either I do the parlor... 1.00

00:30:44.000 What is that fucking place? 1.00

00:30:45.000 Not the parlor. 1.00

00:30:46.000 What is that shithole? 0.97

00:30:48.000 Uh... 0.99

00:30:48.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:30:50.000 I'm doing the Balboa Theater next time I'm there.

00:30:53.000 But every time I go, I always meet people from Tijuana.

00:30:55.000 How big is Balboa?

00:30:57.000 It's pretty big.

00:30:58.000 2000. Oh, it's pretty big.

00:30:59.000 It's a good spot.

00:31:00.000 You don't do the clubs ever?

00:31:01.000 I do sometimes.

00:31:01.000 I do American Comedy Club.

00:31:03.000 I did that before.

00:31:03.000 That's small.

00:31:04.000 I used to do La Jolla Comedy Store.

00:31:07.000 Oh, right.

00:31:08.000 I heard that's really nice, right? 0.99

00:31:09.000 It's fucking great. 0.93

00:31:10.000 I used to do that spot, but then I didn't do the store for like seven years. 0.98

00:31:13.000 But now that I do the store again, I might do that.

00:31:15.000 I would be into doing it.

00:31:16.000 I love that place. 1.00

00:31:17.000 You're going to get a call today about that shit. 1.00

00:31:19.000 It's a fun spot, man. 0.99

00:31:20.000 Nick DiPaolo recorded one of his CDs there.

00:31:23.000 At La Jolla?

00:31:24.000 Yeah, I think his first CD recorded down there.

00:31:26.000 It's a great spot. 0.96

00:31:28.000 It's like the OR and the Comedy Store, but it's in La Jolla, which is a fucking great neighborhood, by the way. 0.96

00:31:33.000 It's a nice neighborhood. 0.84

00:31:34.000 That's not the Hazard Projects.

00:31:36.000 No, La Jolla, though, is tricky if you're raising kids. 0.93

00:31:40.000 Because I have a friend who grew up in La Jolla, and she's like, it's all just, everyone's fucked up on drugs. 0.90

00:31:46.000 Like, those kids are on oxys. 0.99

00:31:48.000 In high school, they're snorting meth, and they're doing all kinds of crazy shit. 0.99

00:31:53.000 It's like, everybody's ignored by their parents. 0.98

00:31:55.000 There's, like, no real sense of community.

00:31:57.000 There's rampant materialism.

00:31:59.000 There's, like, these, there's a, oh, poor baby.

00:32:03.000 Oh, you're growing up too rich.

00:32:06.000 But what I am saying is everybody's got their problems. 0.99

00:32:09.000 There's a comfortable medium somewhere, but the rich people that ignore their kids and that are just constantly focused on just making money, that develops some fucked up kids, man. 0.94

00:32:19.000 Everything you describe reminds me of the rich kids of Miami. 0.98

00:32:23.000 Oh, yeah!

00:32:24.000 Something about the beach, you know.

00:32:28.000 Like the southern beach culture with lots of money, where it was just so...

00:32:34.000 Kids grew up way too fast.

00:32:36.000 In Miami, you can grow up way too fast. 0.85

00:32:39.000 With sex stuff, with drugs.

00:32:40.000 It's like, dude, what? 0.53

00:32:42.000 You're having sex? 1.00

00:32:43.000 You're fucking 12. That's so crazy. 1.00

00:32:45.000 Well, I had to get into concert, so I had to suck some dick. 1.00

00:32:49.000 Okay, okay, okay. 1.00

00:32:50.000 Good answer.

00:32:51.000 Yeah, it is dangerous, man.

00:32:53.000 But those cultures, like, where you have the rampant materialism, and Miami's one of the biggest, showiest cultures that we have in this country.

00:33:02.000 When you drive down the street, you're going to see people that have these crazy cars, and they have, like, neon under the cars.

00:33:08.000 Having a Ferrari is not good enough.

00:33:10.000 You have to have a Ferrari with neon underneath it, and you have to have big giant wheels. 0.99

00:33:14.000 There was a fucking... 0.99

00:33:16.000 This guy had a BMW. I was in Miami recently. 0.99

00:33:19.000 I flew from Costa Rica to Miami, and I put a picture of the car on my Instagram page because it was so ridiculous.

00:33:25.000 He had a BMW with like 35-inch wheels, like wagon wheels on it. 0.99

00:33:30.000 It was so stupid, it didn't even seem real. 0.99

00:33:33.000 I couldn't believe that those were the real wheels he had on his car. 1.00

00:33:36.000 And that was in Miami?

00:33:37.000 Yeah, the guy who was a driver told us what it was, what they call it.

00:33:41.000 They have like a name for it, they call it, like when you put giant wheels on your car down there.

00:33:46.000 Super black? 0.98

00:33:47.000 No, I think it's Puerto Rican. 0.91

00:33:52.000 I don't know if it's super... 0.62

00:33:53.000 Is that super black? 0.99

00:33:53.000 Is that a black move? 0.99

00:33:54.000 I mean, I think it's always... 0.88

00:33:55.000 I've always associated it with black stuff.

00:33:57.000 Sure.

00:33:58.000 Yeah.

00:33:59.000 That culture down there.

00:34:00.000 There's something about the culture.

00:34:01.000 That Miami swag?

00:34:02.000 Yeah.

00:34:03.000 There's something about that culture that is also not quite...

00:34:06.000 There it is.

00:34:07.000 Look at the wheels on that thing.

00:34:08.000 Come on! 1.00

00:34:10.000 Yeah, look at the fucking wheels on that thing. 1.00

00:34:12.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:34:13.000 That's so stupid. 1.00

00:34:14.000 Look at the size of those things! 1.00

00:34:16.000 I mean, that is a four-wheel drive, like, looking wheel that should be on...

00:34:21.000 That's a sweet ride, man.

00:34:23.000 That's a nice car.

00:34:24.000 Yeah.

00:34:24.000 It's a nice BMW. He fucked it all up with that.

00:34:26.000 Yeah, it looks like they're probably three or four sizes too big. 0.85

00:34:31.000 At least. 1.00

00:34:34.000 It's so fucking stupid. 1.00

00:34:35.000 And it's got the deep dish. 1.00

00:34:37.000 That doesn't go with that car at all.

00:34:40.000 Yeah, what is it about having bigger wheels that anybody would ever think would be good?

00:34:45.000 That took off...

00:34:46.000 I want to say that took off in the...

00:34:47.000 I feel like in the 90s, everybody, the whole thing was to get 20s.

00:34:53.000 And then I remember the first time I heard somebody in a rap song was like, I'm sitting on 22s. 0.98

00:34:58.000 I was like, oh shit, he went up two inches! 0.99

00:35:00.000 Like, deuce deuce! 1.00

00:35:02.000 That was a thing.

00:35:03.000 And then it just, I must have just taken off.

00:35:04.000 It's always about trumping that, right?

00:35:07.000 Yes.

00:35:07.000 26!

00:35:08.000 Yeah, what do you got in yours?

00:35:09.000 I'm sitting on 35s, man.

00:35:11.000 That's so crazy.

00:35:12.000 Do you remember when they used to have the dub thing by the front fender that would show, like, it would have, like, the number 26?

00:35:20.000 Oh, remember that?

00:35:21.000 Yeah, to show you what I'm riding on, dawg.

00:35:24.000 You know, like a Boss 427?

00:35:26.000 Yeah.

00:35:27.000 Like those old Mustangs.

00:35:28.000 Right.

00:35:28.000 They would have it on the fender to let you know what was under the hood.

00:35:31.000 Right, right.

00:35:31.000 They would put that next to the front fender.

00:35:33.000 The wheel size.

00:35:34.000 Let you know riding on some dubs.

00:35:38.000 And dubs means 20s, right? 0.70

00:35:40.000 Yeah, that's 20s, yeah.

00:35:41.000 So the magazine Dub is all about 20s.

00:35:43.000 20s, man.

00:35:45.000 Dub sack.

00:35:46.000 That's the 20 sack.

00:35:48.000 Yeah.

00:35:49.000 Take the dub.

00:35:50.000 That's all about the... 0.98

00:35:51.000 What a goofy culture. 0.97

00:35:54.000 Yeah. 0.92

00:35:55.000 But the Miami culture, on top of that, has the echoes of the cocaine import business.

00:36:00.000 Mm-hmm.

00:36:01.000 Because when I was in Miami, my buddy Steve Graham did his residency.

00:36:06.000 He went to...

00:36:08.000 I think he either went to medical school down there, but he did his residency down there.

00:36:12.000 And he's an ophthalmologist, and he worked in the emergency room. 1.00

00:36:16.000 And he would show me these crazy fucking pictures of dudes with light bulbs stuffed up their asses. 1.00

00:36:22.000 So many people would come into the emergency room with things stuck in their ass. 1.00

00:36:27.000 Like, a guy had a gun stuck in his ass. 1.00

00:36:30.000 A gun? 1.00

00:36:31.000 A gun stuck in his ass. 1.00

00:36:33.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:36:34.000 I didn't ask. 1.00

00:36:35.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:36:36.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

00:36:37.000 Yeah, like a.22, stuffed in his asshole. 1.00

00:36:43.000 Do you think that that's about showing up someone who's like, hey man, you know, I had a fucking light bulb in my ass. 1.00

00:36:50.000 He's like, you think you're fucking tough shit? 1.00

00:36:52.000 And then he just grabs a gun and shoves it in his ass? 1.00

00:36:55.000 I'll show you, bitch! 1.00

00:36:56.000 I'll show you where I keep my gun, bitch! 1.00

00:36:58.000 You see how raw I am? 1.00

00:36:59.000 You want to know how real I am? 0.88

00:37:03.000 Spits on his gun. 0.95

00:37:04.000 Just shoves it right in there. 0.99

00:37:06.000 Raw dog.

00:37:07.000 All the hard edges of that metal.

00:37:09.000 You know, it's not a smooth, oval shape.

00:37:13.000 You gotta do some damage.

00:37:15.000 God.

00:37:16.000 I'd be scared of fingernails. 1.00

00:37:17.000 Forget about a fucking gun. 0.99

00:37:20.000 Remember the guy? 1.00

00:37:21.000 You saw the one guy, one cup, one jar.

00:37:24.000 Yeah, I saw it.

00:37:25.000 Jesus Christ.

00:37:26.000 God, that's terrifying.

00:37:27.000 And it breaks, and he's like...

00:37:28.000 Well, it breaks and cuts him open, and then he starts shitting out these chunks of glass, like a clink, clink, clink.

00:37:36.000 You don't hear him whimper at all.

00:37:38.000 No.

00:37:38.000 He didn't even...

00:37:39.000 He probably wanted to be hurt.

00:37:41.000 Yeah.

00:37:42.000 There's certain people they believe have different sensors, like they have a different sensitivity to pain.

00:37:48.000 Like literally, they don't feel pain the way other people feel pain.

00:37:52.000 And they think that that's like a lot of folks that are extremely into piercing.

00:37:56.000 They get real nutty with tattoos and piercings and...

00:38:01.000 Lips, eyes.

00:38:02.000 And then self-mutilation.

00:38:06.000 They say that some of those folks, they can't feel.

00:38:11.000 And then also, it has something to do with some of them.

00:38:15.000 Obviously not all of them, but some of them it has something to do with emotional pain.

00:38:19.000 Yeah, that makes sense to me.

00:38:20.000 I also have heard about that sensory receptors...

00:38:25.000 In our brains and some people can get overlapped where things that are supposed to be like a pleasure receptor goes to pain and pain goes to pleasure, you know?

00:38:34.000 So something that's supposed to hurt you ends up feeling good. 0.99

00:38:39.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:38:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:38:42.000 Something that's supposed to be like, you know, that your brain's supposed to tell you don't do that ends up being like, this is good. 1.00

00:38:48.000 Put a gun in your ass. 1.00

00:38:49.000 Put a gun all the way in your ass. 1.00

00:38:52.000 That's such a crazy thing to do. 1.00

00:38:54.000 Remember that bit on Jackass when he has the car in his ass, the little tail guard? 1.00

00:39:00.000 No, no, no, no. 0.99

00:39:02.000 That's one of my favorites of all time.

00:39:03.000 Was that one or two?

00:39:04.000 I think that's in one.

00:39:06.000 That's in one.

00:39:06.000 Do you know, I've never watched all...

00:39:08.000 Don't put it up.

00:39:09.000 I've never watched all of Jackass.

00:39:11.000 Really?

00:39:12.000 No.

00:39:12.000 I only watched a couple stunts from one of them.

00:39:15.000 I can't... 1.00

00:39:16.000 There's something about those guys doing that shit, even though I know they're alive because they already did it. 1.00

00:39:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:21.000 There's something about that that... 1.00

00:39:23.000 I don't like, and one of the things that I don't like is because I've been around dudes like that, not to the extreme that those guys take it, because those guys go too far, but I'm always like, you guys are gonna get fucked up, and then it's not gonna be funny anymore. 0.96

00:39:37.000 Like, what you're doing now is adorable if you don't get killed or maimed or paralyzed. 0.97

00:39:42.000 Throughout the thing, every time, basically every segment, someone should be hurt, maimed, paralyzed, or killed. 0.99

00:39:48.000 Every time. 0.97

00:39:49.000 Yeah, without question.

00:39:50.000 It's so crazy what they do. 0.98

00:39:52.000 And the idea that you're getting attention for this is crazy because now other kids are gonna get attention for the same fucking thing and they're gonna try to up you. 0.99

00:40:02.000 Everyone tries to up everybody and it gets to this point where You know, you're gonna hit a wall and you're gonna fucking die. 0.99

00:40:09.000 Yeah, no, it's crazy. 0.97

00:40:10.000 I mean, well, that one guy did die not doing a thing.

00:40:13.000 Well, he was drunk driving.

00:40:13.000 He was drunk driving, yeah.

00:40:14.000 But I think that had to have something to do with the way they were living.

00:40:18.000 They live crazy.

00:40:19.000 Dudes push each other.

00:40:21.000 Right. 0.98

00:40:21.000 And if you're in that environment where Mikey's so sick, he's the sickest. 0.98

00:40:26.000 You think you're sick?

00:40:27.000 What do you mean, Mikey?

00:40:29.000 Yeah.

00:40:29.000 And then Mikey's like, I'm gonna do a flip off this building.

00:40:31.000 Don't do it, Mikey.

00:40:32.000 You know what, Mikey? 1.00

00:40:33.000 I'm gonna put a gun in my ass right now. 1.00

00:40:35.000 Like, you're tough shit? 1.00

00:40:37.000 I'm crazy. 1.00

00:40:38.000 I can't watch those.

00:40:39.000 I can't watch those.

00:40:40.000 This bit is actually, though, it's the funniest and the least crazy, as in you don't see anything being done. 0.98

00:40:47.000 You just see the guy go to the doctor, and he goes to a Spanish-speaking doctor, and they do an x-ray, and there's a toy car on his ass. 0.96

00:40:54.000 And so it's the doctor just talking to them. 0.99

00:40:57.000 And he's speaking Spanish the whole time.

00:40:59.000 He's like...

00:41:00.000 He's telling somebody else that this guy was partying.

00:41:05.000 And he's like...

00:41:07.000 It's hilarious.

00:41:10.000 Carlito means a little car?

00:41:12.000 Is it Carito?

00:41:13.000 It's like, yeah.

00:41:14.000 Not like Carlito's way?

00:41:15.000 No, no, Carito.

00:41:16.000 It's not like a little car.

00:41:16.000 Carro, but Carito is little car.

00:41:18.000 Oh, I see, I see. 1.00

00:41:19.000 So he has a little car in his ass. 1.00

00:41:23.000 It's a toy car in his ass. 1.00

00:41:25.000 That doesn't bother me as much as like when Johnny Knoxville, after he was a movie star. 1.00

00:41:29.000 Yeah. 0.92

00:41:30.000 After he's a movie star, he's doing fucking that- Major motion pictures, yes. 0.99

00:41:33.000 And he puts a blindfold on and lets a bull- It's crazy. 0.99

00:41:36.000 Charge him and flip him through the air.

00:41:38.000 It's so crazy.

00:41:39.000 I know, the whole time you're like, it is crazy that they're alive. 1.00

00:41:43.000 Fuck, man, that bull. 1.00

00:41:44.000 When that bull launches him, and he doesn't know where the ground is, I mean, I guess you have a sense of gravity, but he can't see. 1.00

00:41:51.000 No.

00:41:52.000 He's got a blindfold on, so he literally has no idea. 1.00

00:41:54.000 And that bull, just by sheer luck, doesn't stomp him to death or shove a horn through his asshole. 1.00

00:42:01.000 Or how about when he got, I think in one of those... 1.00

00:42:04.000 You know, it's one of these things where you know it probably better than anybody.

00:42:07.000 He goes into, I think, an antique store.

00:42:10.000 Oh, Butterbean.

00:42:10.000 Dude, and just lets him unload.

00:42:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:42:14.000 And Butterbean is not obviously a super fit guy, but he can throw fucking hammers. 0.99

00:42:22.000 And he's just punching him in the head with everything he's got. 0.99

00:42:26.000 Bouncing off of and he's punching him into walls and shit, you know? 0.98

00:42:31.000 Was that where he they did it because I mean Butterbean did one with them where he beat one of the guys up. 0.93

00:42:36.000 I forget which one it was he knocked guy out I think yeah, I don't know.

00:42:40.000 I don't think it was Johnny Knoxville.

00:42:42.000 I don't think it was.

00:42:43.000 Was it Johnny Knoxville?

00:42:44.000 And then there was the one where they had another guy go in with a female Muay Thai fighter. 0.99

00:42:49.000 She was fucking lighting him up. 0.99

00:42:51.000 She beat the fuck out of him too. 1.00

00:42:52.000 I'll take that over Butterbean. 0.98

00:42:54.000 Me too. 0.99

00:42:54.000 Butterbean's goddamn terrifying. 0.99

00:42:56.000 That fucking dude hits hard. 1.00

00:42:58.000 Yeah, he's fat as fuck, but he's also a giant dude, you know? 1.00

00:43:02.000 And if you stand right in front of him, you know how strong you have to be just to carry around all that weight? 1.00

00:43:07.000 Yeah.

00:43:07.000 Like, if Ralphie May lost all that weight, do you know how strong his legs would be?

00:43:12.000 Yeah, because every time he stands up, he's squatting, whatever, that entire, yeah.

00:43:16.000 He's carrying 500 pounds.

00:43:18.000 Right.

00:43:18.000 Like, when he walks down the street, he's carrying 500 pounds.

00:43:22.000 Right.

00:43:22.000 You know?

00:43:23.000 That's the amount of muscle strength that's required to do that.

00:43:27.000 I mean, the pressure on his joints and his knees and his ankles.

00:43:30.000 It's crazy.

00:43:30.000 Yeah.

00:43:31.000 It's amazing that guys like that can even walk.

00:43:33.000 Yeah.

00:43:34.000 You know?

00:43:34.000 Like, when you see those...

00:43:36.000 I was at Disneyland recently, and there's people in these scooters, like everywhere.

00:43:41.000 Everywhere you look, there's people in these scooters.

00:43:42.000 They're just overflowing on the sides of the scooters.

00:43:46.000 These people have just committed to eating so much that they're like, you know what? 1.00

00:43:51.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:43:51.000 I'm just going to motor around everywhere I go. 1.00

00:43:54.000 My joints, they're just not designed for this.

00:43:56.000 My back's not designed for this.

00:43:57.000 But I'm not going to fix anything.

00:43:59.000 I'm just going to keep eating.

00:44:00.000 I think they get overwhelmed by how far gone they are.

00:44:03.000 Yeah.

00:44:03.000 It's too hard to stop.

00:44:05.000 It's too hard to stop.

00:44:06.000 It's too hard to stop.

00:44:07.000 And also, part of the problem is that all your pleasure now comes from that.

00:44:13.000 Your pleasure comes from food.

00:44:14.000 Like, I get a lot of pleasure from food.

00:44:15.000 Yeah, sure.

00:44:16.000 You know, it's hard to pass up on some yummy food when someone, like...

00:44:20.000 You pass by a hot dog stand, and you see the sauerkraut, and you smell the dogs, and you're like, oh, I could go for one of those right now.

00:44:27.000 Yeah.

00:44:27.000 One of those sweet buns, those smushy white bread buns.

00:44:31.000 It's all dog shit. 1.00

00:44:32.000 It's all terrible for me. 1.00

00:44:33.000 You know what you got me into?

00:44:34.000 I blame you.

00:44:35.000 But it's not there anymore.

00:44:36.000 But I did it with you a couple times, and I was like, this is...

00:44:39.000 And I started to do it without you and pretend I'm you.

00:44:42.000 Like, when we would get back on flights in the Delta Terminal, and that place that used to have that chocolate croissant...

00:44:49.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:44:50.000 It's gone.

00:44:51.000 That place shut down.

00:44:52.000 But we would go there on return flights and get a chocolate croissant, and it was super rich, flaky.

00:45:00.000 It was buttery.

00:45:01.000 It was really buttery.

00:45:02.000 It was like a real good croissant.

00:45:04.000 The pastry part of it was very fluffy and buttery.

00:45:09.000 Yeah.

00:45:09.000 And the chocolate was...

00:45:10.000 You know who's got the most dogshit croissants on the planet? 1.00

00:45:14.000 Who? 1.00

00:45:14.000 Starbucks. 1.00

00:45:15.000 You said it right when I was saying it.

00:45:17.000 You knew.

00:45:17.000 I knew.

00:45:18.000 God, their croissants are dog shit. 1.00

00:45:19.000 And they were even worse. 1.00

00:45:23.000 They upped their game recently.

00:45:25.000 How recently?

00:45:25.000 Well, I mean, when was the last time you had one?

00:45:27.000 A couple months ago.

00:45:28.000 Really?

00:45:29.000 And that was the worst?

00:45:30.000 It was horrible.

00:45:30.000 Oh, wow.

00:45:31.000 Because if you had what they had last year, it would be even more dramatically dog shit. 1.00

00:45:35.000 This is a Russian bakery that I go to, and their croissants are fucking banging. 1.00

00:45:40.000 Dude, a great buttery chocolate one. 0.98

00:45:44.000 This place, they make their own. 0.91

00:45:46.000 Yeah, that's the key.

00:45:47.000 Starbucks, it comes in this little plastic thing, and they open it up.

00:45:51.000 Yeah, they hire a company.

00:45:52.000 Yeah, they become corporatized.

00:45:53.000 You don't have to do that.

00:45:55.000 You could make it in-house, or at least heat them up in-house, have some deliver to you.

00:46:01.000 This Russian place I go to, they sell coffee too, and they have chocolate croissants there.

00:46:05.000 I'll take you if you want to go.

00:46:07.000 Oh, I want to go.

00:46:07.000 We'll go after this.

00:46:08.000 I want to go.

00:46:09.000 I'll take you.

00:46:09.000 It's not that far.

00:46:10.000 Okay, let's go.

00:46:10.000 It's so good.

00:46:11.000 They're the best chocolate croissants I've ever had in my life.

00:46:14.000 Really?

00:46:14.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:14.000 I'm so into it.

00:46:15.000 I go to a place near my place that they bake them there and they lay the chocolate and it's like...

00:46:20.000 These Russians, they take it to another level. 1.00

00:46:22.000 They take it to another level.

00:46:23.000 They also put chocolate chips on top of the croissant.

00:46:27.000 Stop it.

00:46:27.000 So they fill the inside of the croissant with chocolate chips.

00:46:30.000 It's melted down when they cook the croissant, and then they put chocolate chips on the top, and then it's like a shiny glaze, and you bite into it, and it's like, oh, Christ.

00:46:38.000 Next level.

00:46:40.000 Next level from the place that was in the Delta Terminal, which was also next level.

00:46:44.000 Yeah, that was great, man.

00:46:45.000 That was great.

00:46:46.000 You know, and the thing is about eating that rich food, too.

00:46:49.000 Is that now, for me, I love food too.

00:46:52.000 I get so much pleasure from food.

00:46:54.000 If I work out the way I've been working out now, where I'm doing pretty hard workouts, I feel that thing where it's like...

00:47:02.000 You reward.

00:47:03.000 Oh yeah, I can eat anything.

00:47:04.000 Which I can't, but I do.

00:47:06.000 Reward yourself, Tommy.

00:47:09.000 Tommy, eat a 26-ounce ribeye right now.

00:47:13.000 It's waiting for you, Tommy.

00:47:16.000 Butter.

00:47:16.000 Butter on your rib eye.

00:47:17.000 How about a little butter?

00:47:18.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:19.000 A little garlic butter?

00:47:19.000 Yep.

00:47:20.000 Let it melt in there.

00:47:22.000 Cut into that flesh and have that butter. 0.72

00:47:24.000 Dip it in the butter.

00:47:26.000 Lobster mac and cheese with truffle oil and breadcrumbs.

00:47:30.000 How about different kinds of cheese, too?

00:47:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:33.000 Multiple different cheeses.

00:47:35.000 Dirty slime. 0.99

00:47:37.000 A good mac and cheese, like a really tastefully done gourmet mac and cheese, is fucking hard to pass up on. 0.99

00:47:44.000 When you pull the mac up, the cheese strings, the melted cheese is clinging to the fork. 0.72

00:47:51.000 TLC did one of those shows where the best mac and cheese places in the country.

00:47:58.000 I almost jerked off watching it.

00:48:00.000 It was so good.

00:48:02.000 I was so stuck on...

00:48:06.000 I couldn't peel my eyes away from the show.

00:48:09.000 It was places that just do mac and cheese.

00:48:12.000 I bet they do. 1.00

00:48:13.000 Those fucks. 1.00

00:48:14.000 I can taste it right now. 1.00

00:48:19.000 I missed that.

00:48:20.000 When I was gluten free, that was the thing that I missed was pasta.

00:48:24.000 I missed linguine with clams.

00:48:25.000 Like, a good linguine with clams is like, that's how you know if a restaurant's for real.

00:48:31.000 A legit Italian spot, right?

00:48:33.000 A legit Italian restaurant has a linguine with clams.

00:48:35.000 It's not a soup.

00:48:36.000 Right.

00:48:37.000 Okay?

00:48:37.000 Yeah.

00:48:38.000 It's just like a little, it's a mild sauce, a white sauce with the linguine, just where you can chew the linguine.

00:48:46.000 It's got a little bit of a, a little chew to it.

00:48:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:48:49.000 And then the fucking clams have to be fresh, and there's a little garlic and olive oil, and oh, gee! 0.99

00:48:55.000 Jesus Christ, it was good. 0.99

00:48:57.000 I've been on this foodie kick on the road lately where I've been trying to find the best restaurants in cities, and every place seems to have a grilled octopus dish now.

00:49:05.000 Oh, yeah.

00:49:06.000 And I tear it up every time.

00:49:07.000 Grilled octopus is very good.

00:49:09.000 Yeah.

00:49:09.000 I'm a big fan.

00:49:10.000 I'm a big fan of it.

00:49:11.000 Yeah.

00:49:11.000 I've ordered two in one place.

00:49:13.000 I was like, bring in another one.

00:49:14.000 They're like, I'm sorry?

00:49:14.000 I'm like, bring it out again.

00:49:18.000 Well, that's one of the things, though.

00:49:20.000 You're doing really well now.

00:49:21.000 You're starting to make a lot of money on the road.

00:49:22.000 You're doing very well.

00:49:23.000 And that's when the things you go, you know what?

00:49:25.000 I want to treat myself.

00:49:26.000 Oh, yeah, it's bad.

00:49:26.000 I want to treat myself.

00:49:28.000 But I have upped my workouts much more.

00:49:30.000 Yeah.

00:49:30.000 Are you still working out with Jesus?

00:49:32.000 I am.

00:49:32.000 I'm working out with Jesus.

00:49:33.000 I'm working out with him today, this evening.

00:49:34.000 Tommy has a trainer that will literally tell him how God wants him to work him out.

00:49:42.000 God wants me to push you today.

00:49:43.000 Tell me the time when you came and you were sick.

00:49:46.000 Dude.

00:49:48.000 That's so bizarre.

00:49:49.000 It is so bizarre.

00:49:51.000 And he dials it back sometimes and I'll forget about it and then it'll come up and I'll be like, what?

00:49:56.000 So this time I was...

00:49:58.000 He's one of those people...

00:50:00.000 You know the person that makes you feel like you're lying when you're not?

00:50:04.000 Yes.

00:50:04.000 He's one of those people where like...

00:50:07.000 We had a workout scheduled and I could feel like a respiratory thing coming on.

00:50:13.000 And I started to feel pretty bad.

00:50:15.000 So I called him and I go, Hey, I don't think we should work out tomorrow because I'm starting to come down with something.

00:50:23.000 So we could do it like later.

00:50:25.000 I think I should take a rest for a couple of days.

00:50:27.000 Well, I mean, like, you're sick?

00:50:30.000 Well, I'm feeling like I'm getting sick.

00:50:32.000 Hmm.

00:50:33.000 Yeah, I mean, you know, maybe just, like, kind of gargle some, like, sea salt.

00:50:38.000 And that's what I do.

00:50:39.000 And then, you know, just get some sleep.

00:50:41.000 And then, you know, if you just don't want to do anything, like, I'm not making this up, you know?

00:50:47.000 Yeah, there's that sort of tone.

00:50:49.000 It's a tone of, like...

00:50:50.000 Accusatory.

00:50:51.000 It's like an accusatory...

00:50:52.000 Yeah, it's an accusatory tone of, like...

00:50:55.000 I mean, are you just a quitter?

00:50:56.000 Like, that's what's, like, behind it?

00:50:58.000 And you're like, dude, all right.

00:51:00.000 So, the next day, I end up coming, and I go, hey, I think, you know, you could hear it in my voice.

00:51:08.000 Like, you know, is it my chest?

00:51:09.000 I go, I think we should just, like, stick to weights today.

00:51:13.000 And he's like, yeah, because of, like, your lungs?

00:51:15.000 I go, yeah, so we keep, like, my, from breathing really hard, you know?

00:51:18.000 Because it really doesn't feel good.

00:51:20.000 I didn't feel well at all.

00:51:22.000 And he's like, alright.

00:51:23.000 So we start off with some weights.

00:51:26.000 And then, I don't know, like 10 minutes in, he's like, bear crawl over to there.

00:51:31.000 And then bear crawl back.

00:51:33.000 And then do some burpees.

00:51:35.000 And I'm like, alright.

00:51:36.000 And I just start doing it.

00:51:38.000 And then I'm breathing heavier, right?

00:51:41.000 Because you're doing cardio stuff.

00:51:42.000 I'm starting to breathe heavier.

00:51:44.000 And it makes me run downstairs.

00:51:45.000 It's like, hit a heavy bag.

00:51:47.000 And then it's like, just ups the workout.

00:51:50.000 And so, like 40 minutes into it, I'm like...

00:51:52.000 Yeah, so much for, like, keeping the cardio down today, huh?

00:51:56.000 And he's like, well, you know, I was doing that at first.

00:52:00.000 And then I kind of started to push you a little bit, and you could do it.

00:52:04.000 And then, you know, the Holy Spirit, he kind of, like, tapped me and was like, you know, like a little tap on the shoulder.

00:52:09.000 Like, you know, right now, just pull back a little bit.

00:52:11.000 So he'll let me know if I'm ever going too far.

00:52:14.000 Like, he'll just give me a warning.

00:52:16.000 And I was like, all right, man.

00:52:20.000 Is this guy in your act yet?

00:52:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:26.000 When can I see you again next?

00:52:28.000 I haven't seen your act in probably like...

00:52:30.000 When was the last time we worked together?

00:52:32.000 Six months maybe?

00:52:33.000 No, because we did...

00:52:34.000 Ice House?

00:52:36.000 We did Ice House, but we did Vegas not too long ago.

00:52:38.000 Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right.

00:52:40.000 But those are weird because everyone gets distracted offstage, right?

00:52:44.000 Yeah.

00:52:45.000 I didn't see your set that time.

00:52:46.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 Yeah, well, I mean, I just, you know...

00:52:48.000 That's also a place where you can't see...

00:52:50.000 That's the Ka Theater.

00:52:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:52:51.000 I couldn't get out there.

00:52:52.000 You just did it, right?

00:52:52.000 I just did it last Friday.

00:52:54.000 How was it?

00:52:54.000 It was great.

00:52:55.000 Crazy Drunks.

00:52:56.000 Crazy Drunks. 0.78

00:52:56.000 Oh, my God. 0.78

00:52:57.000 It was fun.

00:52:58.000 It's always fun. 1.00

00:52:59.000 But there's a lot of fucking maniacs in the audience this time. 1.00

00:53:02.000 Really? 1.00

00:53:02.000 It was pretty crazy. 1.00

00:53:03.000 Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

00:53:04.000 It started right away.

00:53:06.000 Ian Edwards went on stage like the first thing.

00:53:08.000 They just started.

00:53:09.000 There was like a few people that were just hecklers.

00:53:12.000 You know what it was too?

00:53:14.000 It was a light weekend for the fights.

00:53:16.000 There wasn't that many people there.

00:53:18.000 And it was a light weekend for my show and they gave away some comps.

00:53:20.000 When they give away comps, that's never good.

00:53:23.000 It doesn't matter if it's 2,000 seats or a 100 seat place.

00:53:28.000 Yeah, they gave away a couple hundred free tickets.

00:53:31.000 Wow.

00:53:32.000 That's all you need to do.

00:53:34.000 Then it goes crazy.

00:53:35.000 You're going to have at least 20 animals.

00:53:36.000 You give away 100 free tickets, you've got 10 animals.

00:53:39.000 Now, oddly enough, the McGregor fight weekend...

00:53:44.000 That was awesome.

00:53:46.000 That was beyond awesome.

00:53:48.000 And we were preparing for it.

00:53:49.000 For Massacre.

00:53:51.000 Like, I really...

00:53:52.000 Yeah, you were nervous.

00:53:53.000 I did.

00:53:54.000 Yeah.

00:53:55.000 Yeah.

00:53:55.000 But they were great!

00:53:56.000 But also, like, it fed itself.

00:53:58.000 The nervousness was like, we talked about, I think it was just a real brief, like, could be real crazy tonight.

00:54:03.000 And that's all I needed to hear. 1.00

00:54:05.000 Like, I was just imagining 2,000 Irish drunks, like, fuck! 1.00

00:54:09.000 Like, just screaming at me. 1.00

00:54:10.000 And so I was really, like, prepared for, like, oh, this is gonna be bad.

00:54:14.000 I went into it like that, which maybe is why I felt so good.

00:54:18.000 Because it was the opposite of that.

00:54:20.000 Well, that was a great crowd, though.

00:54:21.000 They were really good.

00:54:22.000 They were so good.

00:54:25.000 You would never have imagined there was 2,000 people in that room. 0.99

00:54:28.000 2,000 plus or whatever the fuck it seats. 0.99

00:54:30.000 It seemed like it was intimate. 0.99

00:54:32.000 They were great.

00:54:34.000 They were just excited about that weekend.

00:54:36.000 You know what the Jesus Trainer also did recently?

00:54:39.000 We were doing...

00:54:40.000 There's a type of rack where you can squat, but it also has...

00:54:44.000 Arms that go out this way, so you can, it basically puts it at hip level, so you can do like power cleans and stuff off of it.

00:54:50.000 So it's on there, the bar's on there, and he's having me change out, go up by tens, so it's like 10 on each side, and then 20 and 30 and 40 and 50, and I was like, should I use the bigger weights?

00:55:01.000 Because we're just adding tens.

00:55:03.000 And he's like, no.

00:55:05.000 Okay.

00:55:06.000 And then he's like, you know what?

00:55:08.000 Take them all off, and now start putting them on bigger weights.

00:55:11.000 I'm like, alright.

00:55:12.000 So I have six 10s on each side.

00:55:14.000 So I take those all off, and I put 45, and then 25. And then after a while, he's like, how's that?

00:55:22.000 Good?

00:55:22.000 We keep going up.

00:55:23.000 And he's like, yeah, yeah.

00:55:25.000 And I go, what?

00:55:26.000 And he's like, Holy Spirit was...

00:55:33.000 He told me to have you use the bigger weights for your wrists.

00:55:37.000 I know sometimes you have a problem with your wrists, so I think by you moving around those heavier weights, it's better for your wrists.

00:55:43.000 But it was the Holy Spirit that told him to have me stop doing the lighter weights and use the bigger weights.

00:55:47.000 Do your wrists get sore?

00:55:50.000 Sometimes, you know, my wrists...

00:55:53.000 I feel like I have just weak wrists, like in general.

00:55:56.000 So sometimes I have some pain there.

00:55:59.000 Or like with power cleans, you know, instead of having them underneath, I have maybe a limited range with them.

00:56:06.000 As far as how far it goes back?

00:56:07.000 Yeah.

00:56:08.000 So it hurts sometimes.

00:56:10.000 And I've suggested maybe I should get, you know...

00:56:14.000 Straps?

00:56:15.000 Wrist straps or something.

00:56:16.000 We just had conversations about it, but...

00:56:19.000 You know what can help as well is there's some mobility exercises that you can do to stretch out your wrists.

00:56:28.000 That could help a lot.

00:56:29.000 For most people, if you live your life up to a certain point and you've never really pushed them, they have a limited range of motion just based on it.

00:56:37.000 But you could change that range of motion with stretching.

00:56:42.000 Another thing that can help the strength of them is, do you ever have a roller?

00:56:46.000 Do you know what that is?

00:56:47.000 Like you have a stick and there's a long string on the bottom of it and then you put a weight at the bottom of the string and then you roll it up.

00:56:54.000 I've seen those.

00:56:55.000 Those are great for strengthening the wrist and strengthening the forearm as well.

00:56:58.000 Those are really good for that.

00:57:00.000 Have you ever read that forearm strength is hereditary?

00:57:02.000 Is it?

00:57:03.000 That's what I've read.

00:57:04.000 I don't know if it's true or not.

00:57:06.000 I mean, obviously you can work on it, but you know some people just have that natural, incredible strength, like forearm strength, like with a grip.

00:57:13.000 Well, it's also the size of the hands.

00:57:16.000 That is a big factor, because if you have small hands, it's very difficult to have strong forearms or strong hands if they're small.

00:57:22.000 If they're small.

00:57:23.000 Well, it's like there's leverage in having a larger hand.

00:57:27.000 Like guys who have like those big Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shaquille O'Neal must have like a grip of death.

00:57:32.000 Like you shake Shaquille O'Neal's hand, my hand disappears in his hand.

00:57:36.000 It becomes like a little child's hand.

00:57:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:57:38.000 I noticed even in, like, his stature is not as big.

00:57:41.000 You know, he's only like five, nine, or ten.

00:57:43.000 But that with Tyson, his hand went around my hand. 0.99

00:57:48.000 Well, he's got those wide fucking hammer fists. 0.99

00:57:51.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:57:52.000 You know, and when you have thicker, like, longer fingers, it's like, in jujitsu, one of the things that is a big advantage is having longer limbs.

00:58:01.000 Like guys who are long, like there's this guy, Hodger Gracie, he's long and tall, and he finishes a lot of guys with arm bars and triangles, and he has all this extra leverage because he has length.

00:58:11.000 Right.

00:58:12.000 And for chokes, guys with long arms are really good a lot of times at getting chokes off their back, like triangle chokes and chokes from, because they have more length of their bone, they have like a longer, there's more leverage involved in that.

00:58:25.000 Right, you can get around someone.

00:58:26.000 Yeah, and it makes sense with hands too, like someone with like longer hands, there's more, they can crush you more, there's more there.

00:58:32.000 But, like, little hands. 1.00

00:58:33.000 Like, you're fucked. 1.00

00:58:35.000 Like, people with little hands, it's very difficult for them to generate power. 1.00

00:58:39.000 You can be fast, and there's a certain amount of power involved in speed, but, like, George Foreman, one of the things that people, like, apparently George Foreman, I never shook his hand, but it's like shaking a canned ham.

00:58:50.000 Oh, really? 0.99

00:58:51.000 Just this fucking monstrous club of a hand. 1.00

00:58:55.000 Well, that was just a fucking sledgehammer that would come on. 1.00

00:58:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:58:58.000 That's one of the reasons why. 0.99

00:59:00.000 But the human body, like, varies so much.

00:59:02.000 I mean, there's so many different things that are definitely genetically, like, they're advantageous.

00:59:09.000 It's one of the weird things about the argument when it comes to steroids or no steroids or performance enhancing drugs.

00:59:16.000 There are advantages just to being born with certain genetics.

00:59:20.000 For sure.

00:59:21.000 Giant advantages.

00:59:23.000 I have small hands.

00:59:24.000 They're not tiny.

00:59:25.000 They're not tiny, but they're pretty small. 1.00

00:59:27.000 How big is your dick? 1.00

00:59:27.000 It's pretty average. 1.00

00:59:30.000 I think it might fit the actual measurements of the National American Society's dick measurements. 0.99

00:59:36.000 For small penises? 1.00

00:59:37.000 No, for average dicks. 1.00

00:59:38.000 For average? 0.98

00:59:39.000 Yeah.

00:59:39.000 Not like that Mexican dude.

00:59:40.000 How big do you think his hands are? 1.00

00:59:43.000 If you had his dick, it wouldn't be good, right? 1.00

00:59:46.000 I bet his hands are like those big foam number ones. 1.00

00:59:50.000 Would you want a dick like that? 1.00

00:59:51.000 No. 1.00

00:59:52.000 But if you could shape the perfect dick, what measurements would you want? 1.00

00:59:56.000 My dick could have been a disaster. 1.00

00:59:59.000 Everybody's dick could have been a disaster. 1.00

01:00:00.000 We've all met people with birth defects. 1.00

01:00:03.000 I'm very happy with my dick. 1.00

01:00:04.000 But if you could shape... 1.00

01:00:06.000 I'm good.

01:00:06.000 I won't even enter this conversation.

01:00:07.000 You won't enter the conversation? 1.00

01:00:08.000 My dick's great. 1.00

01:00:09.000 I'm a fan. 1.00

01:00:10.000 I like mine.

01:00:11.000 I like it.

01:00:12.000 It could be way worse, man.

01:00:13.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:00:14.000 Dudes have micro dicks, and there's not a goddamn thing in the world they can do about that. 1.00

01:00:18.000 And that is really fucking sad. 1.00

01:00:21.000 It's sad, and it's real. 0.99

01:00:22.000 And there's nothing they do.

01:00:24.000 There's nothing they can do.

01:00:26.000 I went to see this guy once in a concert.

01:00:30.000 He took his pants off and he calls himself Extreme Elvis. 0.99

01:00:34.000 And part of his gag was that he has the tiniest dick you've ever seen. 1.00

01:00:38.000 I mean, his dick is like, I'm not bullshitting, his dick is like the bottom two digits on my pinky. 1.00

01:00:46.000 Really? 1.00

01:00:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:47.000 I mean, it's so small.

01:00:49.000 And this guy would take off his clothes and he would...

01:00:52.000 He was owning it, right?

01:00:52.000 He was trying to just own it.

01:00:54.000 Yeah.

01:00:54.000 Yeah, that was the thing.

01:00:55.000 Because that sucks. 0.99

01:00:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:56.000 Yeah, he's fucking talented as shit, too. 1.00

01:00:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:58.000 Really, like, really good singer. 1.00

01:01:00.000 Great band.

01:01:01.000 And it was a crazy show.

01:01:03.000 He would take off his clothes and he would piss on the audience. 0.96

01:01:07.000 He would pee on people. 0.98

01:01:09.000 He would piss... 0.94

01:01:10.000 Is this Gigi Allen?

01:01:11.000 No, he had this girl, she was a singer, and she would take her top off. 1.00

01:01:16.000 She had great tits, too. 1.00

01:01:17.000 She was pretty, and she was talented. 0.99

01:01:19.000 She was like a talented musician. 0.98

01:01:20.000 And he would pee in her mouth. 0.98

01:01:22.000 He would say, who wants to drink the King's piss? 0.98

01:01:24.000 She's like, I do.

01:01:25.000 I do. 1.00

01:01:25.000 And he'd piss in her mouth. 1.00

01:01:26.000 What was his name? 0.99

01:01:27.000 Extreme Elvis.

01:01:28.000 Jesus, man.

01:01:30.000 Because Gigi, you've seen Gigi's stuff, right?

01:01:32.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:01:33.000 He would smear shit on people, right? 1.00

01:01:34.000 Yeah, and he had a little dick. 1.00

01:01:36.000 Yeah, well, that's what happens. 1.00

01:01:37.000 And he would parade that shit around. 1.00

01:01:38.000 Maybe that's where all the rage came from. 1.00

01:01:40.000 I bet it has something to do with it.

01:01:42.000 Yeah.

01:01:42.000 For sure.

01:01:43.000 Yeah.

01:01:44.000 For sure it has something to do with it. 0.99

01:01:45.000 A lot of people's rage comes from being fucked with. 0.99

01:01:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:01:48.000 And from also feeling the inequality. 0.99

01:01:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:51.000 You know, you feel like you got fucked. 1.00

01:01:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:53.000 Like you got a shitty hand. 1.00

01:01:55.000 Right. 1.00

01:01:55.000 God damn it, look at these fucking two ones. 1.00

01:01:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:58.000 This motherfucker's got a full house. 1.00

01:01:59.000 Yeah, that's true. 1.00

01:02:01.000 I get my best hand. 1.00

01:02:02.000 It's fucking bullshit. 1.00

01:02:04.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:02:05.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:02:06.000 That's life. 1.00

01:02:07.000 Micro dick. 1.00

01:02:08.000 Micro dick. 1.00

01:02:09.000 And there's not a damn thing they can do about it. 0.99

01:02:12.000 For now. 0.96

01:02:12.000 But the day they fix it, oh, we're going to have a lot of those Mexican dudes around. 0.96

01:02:17.000 Do you ever see a bit I used to do about big dick pills? 0.99

01:02:20.000 Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. 0.98

01:02:21.000 I've seen it.

01:02:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:22.000 That was one of my best bits.

01:02:23.000 Yeah, that was great. 1.00

01:02:24.000 Big dick pills, yeah. 1.00

01:02:26.000 Well, people are doing big dick surgery now. 1.00

01:02:30.000 I saw a thing one time, a video on it, where that shit looked so... 0.99

01:02:36.000 What happened on the video I saw, the guy got the injections and everything. 0.99

01:02:41.000 It just looked like a rubber sleeve.

01:02:45.000 There were no veins in it anymore.

01:02:48.000 And I don't think it got hard.

01:02:50.000 It was big and doughy and half full. 1.00

01:02:55.000 It was like a bigger limp dick, but it looked fucking weird. 1.00

01:03:00.000 So he would just smack people with it? 1.00

01:03:01.000 Yeah, check out this big soft dick. 1.00

01:03:03.000 I would fuck you, but you ain't smack in the face with this dick, smack! 1.00

01:03:07.000 God. 1.00

01:03:08.000 Yeah.

01:03:09.000 18 inches, though. 1.00

01:03:10.000 They can't do a damn thing about a micro dick. 1.00

01:03:13.000 Which is amazing. 0.99

01:03:14.000 They figured out a way to make it hard.

01:03:16.000 That's one thing they figured out.

01:03:17.000 Boy, that changed the world. 0.99

01:03:19.000 The guy who figured out Cialis and Viagra, that guy must have made so much fucking money. 0.90

01:03:25.000 Oh my goodness, the amount of money they must make doing that stuff. 0.98

01:03:28.000 Oh my god.

01:03:29.000 It's vasodilators, right?

01:03:31.000 They figured out a way to...

01:03:33.000 And you know, those are banned from the Olympics.

01:03:35.000 Do you know that?

01:03:36.000 Really?

01:03:36.000 Yeah.

01:03:37.000 So they open your capillaries, right?

01:03:38.000 Yeah, well they help performance.

01:03:39.000 They help your endurance.

01:03:41.000 You're getting more blood.

01:03:42.000 Yeah, it just totally makes sense. 0.98

01:03:43.000 But I think that if you could figure out a way to actually make something where dude's dicks grew, it would probably be the most lucrative investment ever. 0.98

01:03:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:03:59.000 Because everybody, even if you're thrilled with your dick, someone's like, it's fun. 1.00

01:04:05.000 Just try one. 1.00

01:04:06.000 You're going to buy it.

01:04:07.000 Come on.

01:04:08.000 You had an inch.

01:04:09.000 You wouldn't want another extra inch?

01:04:10.000 An inch?

01:04:11.000 Yeah, come on. 0.77

01:04:12.000 You're happy with it, right? 1.00

01:04:13.000 You're happy with your dick? 1.00

01:04:14.000 Are you thrilled? 1.00

01:04:15.000 Yeah.

01:04:15.000 Are you thrilled?

01:04:16.000 And they start getting, like, agents as the salesmen. 0.98

01:04:19.000 Like, you know, they're all salesmen, so I was like, get fucking all the agents in there and being like... 0.87

01:04:24.000 Speaking of lucrative, I was with Ian Edwards this weekend, and Greg Fitzsimmons, and Ian and I were flying home, and we were at the terminal, and we ran into this girl. 0.97

01:04:33.000 That Ian knew from the store, and apparently she's a stripper. 1.00

01:04:38.000 And we were sitting down having a coffee, and she asked if she could sit with us.

01:04:41.000 I said, yeah, sure.

01:04:42.000 Go ahead, sit with us.

01:04:43.000 And so she started talking about working at Spearmint Rhino, stripping and this and that.

01:04:48.000 She worked this weekend?

01:04:49.000 Yeah.

01:04:50.000 And she was coming back, and she was just talking about everybody was cheap and this and that and that and this.

01:04:56.000 And then she said she was working with this girl. 0.94

01:04:59.000 She's working with this girl, and I go, what percentage of the girls that you work with are willing to have sex with guys for money? 1.00

01:05:08.000 And she's like, um, there's quite a few.

01:05:11.000 She goes, I worked with this one girl this weekend who was like, how lucrative do you get? 0.68

01:05:18.000 And she goes, what?

01:05:19.000 She goes, how lucrative do you get?

01:05:21.000 Because I be getting lucrative.

01:05:27.000 And she goes, well, what do you mean lucrative?

01:05:30.000 She goes, I go back to a dude's hotel room for a thousand dollars.

01:05:34.000 I get lucrative.

01:05:37.000 Lucrative.

01:05:38.000 Lucrative.

01:05:39.000 And this girl was married to a guy, apparently, that is not gay, but is a dancer. 0.99

01:05:46.000 He dances for men, and he's gay for pay. 1.00

01:05:50.000 Yeah, he's gay. 1.00

01:05:51.000 Her husband, he's her husband, will let like five guys run a train on him. 1.00

01:05:56.000 Sure. 1.00

01:05:57.000 It's so fucking unacceptable. 0.94

01:06:00.000 Dude, hey, one night, he doesn't have to work for the rest of the month. 0.98

01:06:03.000 Okay.

01:06:04.000 How's that happen?

01:06:06.000 How's your sleep?

01:06:07.000 Are you sleeping well?

01:06:08.000 Is everything good?

01:06:09.000 Okay!

01:06:10.000 Okay! 1.00

01:06:11.000 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00

01:06:13.000 He's lucrative! 1.00

01:06:14.000 He's real lucrative!

01:06:17.000 I saw that, like, uh...

01:06:20.000 MTV? Oh, MTV Real Life thing.

01:06:22.000 They did that with a guy. 0.68

01:06:23.000 Where he was like, I'm not gay, and these six guys, I'm about to blow these six guys on camera. 0.92

01:06:27.000 Oh, I saw that! 0.85

01:06:28.000 I saw that!

01:06:29.000 Dude, and they were all clowning him.

01:06:30.000 Do you remember that?

01:06:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:31.000 Because they were all openly gay, and they were like, dude, you're sucking our dick today. 1.00

01:06:34.000 Right. 1.00

01:06:35.000 And he was like, I'm getting fucking, I'm getting super lucrative today. 0.96

01:06:37.000 And he had a girlfriend, too, and his girlfriend was like, I don't like it, but it's what his job is. 0.96

01:06:42.000 And his girlfriend was kind of homely, and he was a good-looking guy.

01:06:45.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:06:45.000 And I remember the line that he had to say in the video, anal sex is the bomb. 1.00

01:06:50.000 That's what he had to say before these dudes ran a train on him. 1.00

01:06:53.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:06:55.000 He's just getting lucrative. 1.00

01:06:56.000 Getting lucrative.

01:06:57.000 How lucrative do you get?

01:06:58.000 I get pretty lucrative.

01:07:00.000 Oh, man. 0.99

01:07:02.000 How crazy does shit get in a Vegas strip club on fight weekend? 1.00

01:07:07.000 This girl, man, I was just... 1.00

01:07:08.000 I wished we had more time so she could tell me more crazy stories like that.

01:07:12.000 Yeah, more lucrative stories.

01:07:13.000 How lucrative do you get?

01:07:17.000 What's that stripper? 1.00

01:07:20.000 There's a stripper feed? 1.00

01:07:22.000 Like what stripper said or something?

01:07:23.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:07:24.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:07:25.000 God damn it. 0.99

01:07:25.000 That's pretty funny. 0.99

01:07:26.000 I met one of the guys that works for that feed has a buddy that fights in the UFC. And so I go back and forth with that dude sometimes on Twitter because I follow them.

01:07:40.000 Yeah.

01:07:41.000 Stripper Genius. 1.00

01:07:42.000 Yes, yeah. 1.00

01:07:43.000 Some of this shit is hilarious on that feed. 1.00

01:07:46.000 I can't wait to be completely done dancing because I'm sick of digging my fucking t-bar out of my ass crack all night. 1.00

01:07:53.000 That's kind of mild. 0.99

01:07:54.000 Yeah, that's mild.

01:07:55.000 But there's some good ones in there.

01:07:56.000 There's some good ones in here.

01:07:57.000 Stripper Genius. 1.00

01:07:58.000 Follow that on the Twitter. 0.99

01:08:01.000 I'm with my new guy, so no more masturbating for me. 0.99

01:08:04.000 Okay. 1.00

01:08:04.000 Here it is. 1.00

01:08:06.000 Maybe if you ate a burger you'd have some ass and titties. 1.00

01:08:09.000 I've done cocaine with a lot of rock stars. 1.00

01:08:12.000 Too many really.

01:08:14.000 I'm sorry if my breath smells like tomatoes and liquor.

01:08:17.000 I like that. 1.00

01:08:23.000 There's too many bitches and not enough sluts. 1.00

01:08:26.000 Amen, sister. 1.00

01:08:28.000 Fucking booty calling a hoe just to get bitched out is depressing and amusing. 1.00

01:08:34.000 Alright. 1.00

01:08:34.000 I'd suck a dick for some pizza right now. 1.00

01:08:36.000 These are all good. 1.00

01:08:37.000 They're not bad.

01:08:38.000 There's good ones in there, but you gotta fish for them.

01:08:40.000 They should post less Quality over quantity.

01:08:44.000 Right.

01:08:44.000 Because some of those are just not that interesting.

01:08:46.000 Yeah.

01:08:47.000 But some of them are...

01:08:47.000 But the good thing is, they're all real.

01:08:50.000 Like, they're not like... 0.99

01:08:51.000 It's not like a comedy writer who's, like, trying to find out what the funniest shit that a stripper could say. 0.91

01:08:56.000 So they should use that on Stripper Genius, though. 0.99

01:08:58.000 How lucrative are you willing to get?

01:09:00.000 Please.

01:09:01.000 How lucrative do you get?

01:09:03.000 I get pretty lucrative.

01:09:06.000 Imagine a girl with a Rosie Perez accent. 1.00

01:09:10.000 Yeah, yeah, that's the perfect person to say it.

01:09:12.000 I get real lucrative.

01:09:14.000 How lucrative are you willing to get?

01:09:16.000 Back in the day.

01:09:18.000 Put that phone down, Tommy.

01:09:19.000 You're addicted.

01:09:20.000 You're searching for more, right?

01:09:22.000 Yes, super addictive. 0.99

01:09:23.000 Ari Shafir has a really good fucking point. 0.99

01:09:25.000 I'm not following him into the abyss of the flip phone. 0.98

01:09:28.000 But he's like, in the morning...

01:09:30.000 In the morning, I would waste a half an hour.

01:09:32.000 Every morning, I just get up.

01:09:34.000 I check Facebook.

01:09:35.000 I check my Twitter.

01:09:36.000 He's right.

01:09:37.000 Yeah.

01:09:37.000 He's right.

01:09:37.000 I do it.

01:09:38.000 I take my morning shit. 1.00

01:09:39.000 I get excited. 0.99

01:09:40.000 I bring that phone to the bathroom.

01:09:41.000 I do the exact same thing. 1.00

01:09:43.000 That shit. 1.00

01:09:44.000 I'll walk towards the bathroom and be like, oh, I forgot that shit. 1.00

01:09:47.000 Turn around. 0.99

01:09:48.000 Because there's some people's Twitter feeds that are fun.

01:09:50.000 I want to follow them.

01:09:50.000 It's fun.

01:09:51.000 And there's always some new news story, some interesting thing that's going on.

01:09:54.000 I get most of my news from a Twitter feed.

01:09:58.000 In the bathroom?

01:09:59.000 Yeah, because I'll follow Breaking News, New York Times, what's going on right now?

01:10:03.000 Oh yeah, RIP Wes Craven. 0.99

01:10:06.000 Fuck, that's how I found out Wes Craven. 1.00

01:10:07.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:10:07.000 The trending stuff, for sure. 1.00

01:10:09.000 That's how I found Robin Williams died.

01:10:11.000 RIP Robin Williams.

01:10:12.000 I was like, what?

01:10:13.000 Yeah.

01:10:14.000 No way.

01:10:15.000 That one didn't feel real.

01:10:16.000 Yeah.

01:10:17.000 I remember I saw that written down.

01:10:19.000 RIP Robin Williams.

01:10:20.000 I was like, what?

01:10:21.000 It's crazy that one year just passed on that.

01:10:23.000 I couldn't believe it.

01:10:25.000 Yeah.

01:10:25.000 That flew, right?

01:10:26.000 Yeah, it did.

01:10:27.000 That's one thing that you'll find, especially once your kid is born, time accelerates every year quicker.

01:10:34.000 Yeah.

01:10:35.000 Every year, like...

01:10:36.000 Your kids were babies, I feel like, yesterday.

01:10:39.000 Mm-hmm.

01:10:39.000 I do.

01:10:40.000 Yeah.

01:10:40.000 And your kids, it's going to be the same thing with you, and then one day they're going to be off to college.

01:10:45.000 So crazy.

01:10:46.000 Or off, you know, being an adult.

01:10:48.000 How old now?

01:10:49.000 How old are yours?

01:10:49.000 Seven and five.

01:10:50.000 Wow.

01:10:51.000 Yeah, it's weird.

01:10:52.000 It's real weird watching other people's kids grow up, too.

01:10:55.000 And also, here's another thing that's weird.

01:10:58.000 Watching people's bad parenthood skills manifest themselves in their kids.

01:11:02.000 You see it. 1.00

01:11:03.000 I have a friend who's got a fucking eight-year-old that still sucks his thumb. 1.00

01:11:07.000 And he thinks it's okay. 1.00

01:11:08.000 He's like, it's no big deal.

01:11:09.000 I go, no, it's a big deal. 0.98

01:11:10.000 Like, your kid's sucking his thumb. 0.97

01:11:12.000 Yeah.

01:11:12.000 Like, this is not, like, healthy behavior.

01:11:15.000 You're not supposed to be sucking your thumb when you're eight.

01:11:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:17.000 Your kid's gonna get fucked with. 1.00

01:11:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:19.000 He's gonna get fucked with by other kids in school if he's not already getting fucked with. 1.00

01:11:23.000 Like, that's just weird. 1.00

01:11:24.000 You start...

01:11:25.000 I started paying attention more.

01:11:27.000 You know, you start to key into things more?

01:11:29.000 Like, we're at a restaurant, and now when we see...

01:11:31.000 Like, you're sitting next to a table where it's a family, and they have the kid, and the kid's like seven, eight, and he's on an iPad with the volume up.

01:11:42.000 So, either watching a video or playing a game, and you're hearing...

01:11:47.000 And you're sitting, you're like, they are teaching him that that's okay.

01:11:52.000 Like, be entitled, be oblivious.

01:11:55.000 Like, how are you not telling him we're in a restaurant right now?

01:11:59.000 You know, at least if you're going to check out and play games...

01:12:03.000 No one wants to hear the explosions.

01:12:05.000 Yeah.

01:12:06.000 But I start to pick up on that more.

01:12:09.000 That's why when that guy grows up and he's oblivious, like, whoa, what's everyone's problem? 0.93

01:12:13.000 That I'm doing fucking whatever I want, no matter who's around me all the time. 0.93

01:12:17.000 Because they put it in them. 0.98

01:12:18.000 They let them know that it's okay.

01:12:19.000 No one told them, like, no, you have to be considerate of...

01:12:22.000 The people around you.

01:12:23.000 Well, electronics are so unnatural, too.

01:12:26.000 We all love them.

01:12:27.000 You know, everybody loves a good movie, or everybody loves to look at their phone or check their email.

01:12:32.000 It's, for whatever reason, it's compelling, but they're so unnatural that when you're all sitting around a dinner table, and there's five people, and everyone's, like, staring at an iPad.

01:12:41.000 I see it all the time now, yeah.

01:12:43.000 At least a phone, you know, but...

01:12:45.000 For little kids, what it is, is kids are hard to tune into. 1.00

01:12:49.000 They care about shit. 1.00

01:12:50.000 You don't give a fuck about. 1.00

01:12:52.000 Like, I took my kids out for breakfast this morning, and we're sitting around and we're coloring. 0.99

01:12:57.000 You know, a lot of times when you go to a restaurant, they have a kid's menu.

01:13:01.000 Right.

01:13:01.000 And they give you some crayons.

01:13:03.000 So we're drawing, you know, and they want to, but she's like, can I play with your phone?

01:13:07.000 I'm like, no, let's just do this.

01:13:08.000 Let's just do this.

01:13:09.000 Let's do this. 1.00

01:13:10.000 But that fucking phone is better. 1.00

01:13:12.000 What age do you give them a phone? 1.00

01:13:14.000 I don't know.

01:13:15.000 That's a good question.

01:13:16.000 That's a good question.

01:13:17.000 I think that age changes.

01:13:19.000 Right.

01:13:20.000 Yeah.

01:13:22.000 There's a new thing that they have for kids.

01:13:24.000 It's like a wristband, almost like a watch type thing, that has a tracking device on it.

01:13:31.000 Tell you where your kids are all the time, and there's a button they press on it where it will call you.

01:13:36.000 Only you.

01:13:37.000 It's not a phone, but it'll call you.

01:13:39.000 Like, Dad, you left me over by Pirates of the Caribbean and lost.

01:13:42.000 And then you gotta go find your kid.

01:13:43.000 Do they have that?

01:13:44.000 Yeah.

01:13:44.000 Wow.

01:13:45.000 They have that.

01:13:45.000 Wow, that's cool.

01:13:46.000 And then, like, that's step one.

01:13:48.000 Then your kid's gonna be calling you all the time.

01:13:50.000 Yeah.

01:13:50.000 Pressing that button.

01:13:51.000 Dad, I hate second grade. 1.00

01:13:53.000 It's bullshit. 1.00

01:13:54.000 Dad! 1.00

01:13:55.000 Dad, I don't wanna go to school.

01:13:57.000 Dad!

01:13:58.000 You're gonna get that a lot.

01:14:00.000 Or not.

01:14:01.000 Maybe they'll love it.

01:14:02.000 That's true.

01:14:03.000 Yeah, they could.

01:14:05.000 The idea that a kid is supposed to be thinking about what they want to do for their future, though, is crazy.

01:14:10.000 Like, there's people that are prepping their kid for whatever...

01:14:13.000 I remember that.

01:14:14.000 Future.

01:14:15.000 I remember kids I went to school with that were being prepped for med school in elementary school.

01:14:20.000 So I think it's kind of fucked up for you and I more than anybody else, especially, because we actually love what we do, and what we do is so discouraged.

01:14:30.000 Yeah, true. 0.95

01:14:31.000 Nobody says, Tommy, you should really be a stand-up comedian.

01:14:35.000 No. 1.00

01:14:36.000 Just start fucking with your teachers now. 1.00

01:14:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:39.000 Is there any kid in class that really stands out as being annoying?

01:14:44.000 Can you imitate him? 0.87

01:14:46.000 Start imitating him and put him in ridiculous scenarios like in Napoleon's army. 0.76

01:14:53.000 Start doing impressions. 1.00

01:14:54.000 If you think of something funny to say in a really serious moment in class, just blurt that shit out. 1.00

01:14:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:59.000 If you can get a laugh in class, turn math class.

01:15:02.000 Oh, that was the greatest thing.

01:15:03.000 We had a thing when I was in fifth grade where if you got in trouble in the first part of the day, you didn't get to go to recess.

01:15:12.000 And recess is like, hey, do you want to go to Fiji to adults? 1.00

01:15:17.000 When you're a kid, they're just like, recess is a fucking shit. 1.00

01:15:21.000 And I remember, like, biting my lower lip. 1.00

01:15:24.000 I'd be like, oh, if I say this, I'm gonna get taken out of recess.

01:15:28.000 But then I'd be like, ah, just say it anyways.

01:15:30.000 And then it's like, no recess, you know? 1.00

01:15:32.000 But, like, it was worth it to make everybody in stupid class laugh. 0.99

01:15:37.000 I wasn't funny in school, like, with things I said. 0.99

01:15:41.000 But I would draw things that were funny.

01:15:43.000 I would draw cartoons.

01:15:44.000 Like, we had this guy, Mr. White. 0.96

01:15:46.000 Mr. White was crazy. 0.87

01:15:47.000 He went to Vietnam. 0.99

01:15:48.000 And, uh...

01:15:49.000 Bad things happen to him over there.

01:15:51.000 Really?

01:15:51.000 Yeah, he was shell-shocked.

01:15:53.000 That's what we used to call it back then, before they used to call it PTSD. But he was a real tiny guy.

01:15:58.000 He was like 5'2".

01:16:00.000 So every time I would draw him, I would draw him standing on a box or standing on a chair or standing on a stool.

01:16:06.000 And he would, like, someone asked for a pencil once.

01:16:10.000 And he goes, you want a pencil?

01:16:11.000 He goes, come here.

01:16:13.000 Come over here.

01:16:13.000 And he takes the drawer from his desk.

01:16:16.000 He yanks it out.

01:16:17.000 It's got pencils in it and slams it on the ground.

01:16:20.000 And he goes, take one of those pencils. 0.99

01:16:22.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:16:23.000 And everybody was like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:16:24.000 And we all knew that this guy had been to Vietnam. 1.00

01:16:27.000 He would talk about it occasionally.

01:16:30.000 That's pretty terrifying to do.

01:16:32.000 He was in a good school system, too.

01:16:36.000 This was Newton South High School.

01:16:38.000 So Newton South High School, they did bus kids in from bad neighborhoods, and that was an issue, because they did bring these kids in from Dorchester and Mattapan, really bad neighborhoods.

01:16:50.000 And there was definitely a difference.

01:16:54.000 And everybody was like, like these lambs, these suburban lambs, and then these urban wolves that would come into the city.

01:17:02.000 But it wasn't too bad.

01:17:04.000 It wasn't like gangs or anything crazy.

01:17:07.000 And this was like...

01:17:08.000 I went to high school, I graduated in 85, and that was before, like, rap music. 0.82

01:17:14.000 It was before, like, Straight Outta Compton and all that crazy shit where things, like, escalated. 0.74

01:17:20.000 Right. 0.97

01:17:20.000 Like, violence and, like, rap music, no matter what anybody says, absolutely perpetrated, like, a different sort of acceptable mentality or a different sort of behavior they aspire towards. 0.97

01:17:36.000 That wasn't going on when I was in high school.

01:17:37.000 So when I was in high school, Sugar Hill Gang was like the big thing.

01:17:41.000 Right.

01:17:41.000 That was like junior high school.

01:17:42.000 Hip, hop, hippity, hippity, hip, hop.

01:17:45.000 It wasn't that kind of music that was, you know, it just wasn't gangster rap.

01:17:51.000 Right.

01:17:51.000 Like gangster rap sort of changed things.

01:17:52.000 Big Bang Hank. 0.73

01:17:53.000 I forget what my point was.

01:17:56.000 They weren't that bad.

01:17:58.000 And this guy, so this guy, Mr. White, was growing up in this neighborhood.

01:18:01.000 Right.

01:18:01.000 And in this neighborhood, it really was, you know...

01:18:06.000 It wasn't like a dangerous play, but he would fucking freak out. 0.90

01:18:11.000 He was a good dude, though. 0.91

01:18:12.000 He was a really nice guy, and he was a very smart guy, too.

01:18:14.000 I had some really interesting conversations with him.

01:18:17.000 He was very aware, but he just had a trigger.

01:18:20.000 He took a joke really well, though.

01:18:22.000 I'll tell you that, man.

01:18:22.000 He never got upset at my cartoons.

01:18:24.000 Really?

01:18:24.000 He laughed.

01:18:25.000 He thought they were funny, man.

01:18:26.000 He's a smart dude.

01:18:27.000 It's funny when you grow up to think of your teachers as people, as opposed to when you're a student and a kid.

01:18:34.000 You don't imagine your parents are people, they're your parents.

01:18:38.000 And teachers have that special place that's Mr. White.

01:18:43.000 And you say their names, I don't know. 1.00

01:18:46.000 Then you grow up and you're like, oh, that was a miserable fucking guy. 0.98

01:18:49.000 I remember teachers that were just I clearly hated teaching, you know. 0.99

01:18:54.000 Yeah, there was a lot of those, man.

01:18:57.000 Yeah.

01:18:57.000 There was a lot of, you know, there's no money in it.

01:18:59.000 There's no money in it. 1.00

01:19:00.000 Can you imagine just dealing with a new crop of asshole teenagers every year that don't give a fuck about you? 1.00

01:19:07.000 One of the things that really bummed me out, man, was people that would say negative shit to kids and not realize the impact that negative shit has on them. 1.00

01:19:18.000 I've told this before, I think. 0.99

01:19:20.000 This was the only laugh I think I ever got in high school, in a class.

01:19:25.000 I got kicked out for it. 0.95

01:19:26.000 My teacher, she was black, and she had a terrible accent. 1.00

01:19:30.000 And she was teaching math. 0.95

01:19:31.000 And I was not paying attention.

01:19:35.000 And probably talking.

01:19:37.000 And she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these questions for this class?

01:19:42.000 And I said, would you like me to do both of those questions? 0.98

01:19:45.000 And the fucking, it was like, there was like a pause, like, no he didn't. 0.99

01:19:49.000 And then, bah! 1.00

01:19:52.000 And she goes, you know, she kicks me out and she goes, don't laugh.

01:19:56.000 Go ahead.

01:19:57.000 You know, Mr. Rogan is going nowhere in life.

01:20:00.000 I'll tell you this right now.

01:20:01.000 And then she kicked me out of class.

01:20:03.000 I remember thinking that, like, what a rude thing to say to a 14-year-old who, by the way, you may be teaching math, but you might want to work on English.

01:20:11.000 Because that's not how you say both.

01:20:13.000 You don't say both.

01:20:14.000 There's not an F in there.

01:20:15.000 So when you say both...

01:20:17.000 And all I did was say, would you like me to do both of those questions?

01:20:21.000 I said it the way you talk, and I got in trouble for that. 0.99

01:20:25.000 Well, that seems pretty fucking ridiculous. 0.98

01:20:27.000 If your accent is so bad that all I have to do is imitate it, and it gets a giant laugh in the class, you know what I did, and I know what I did. 0.99

01:20:35.000 And the whole class knows what I did. 0.97

01:20:38.000 I corrected your shitty way of talking, and that got me kicked out. 0.97

01:20:41.000 And not just kicked out, like, I'm going nowhere in life. 0.99

01:20:44.000 It's a fucked up thing to say. 0.97

01:20:45.000 It didn't work, but it could have. 0.99

01:20:48.000 I witnessed a teacher tell a kid, you're nothing and you're not going to amount to anything.

01:20:56.000 And it was, in a moment, a rage.

01:20:58.000 Like, I could see the kid had just gotten in big trouble.

01:21:01.000 So it was like he was flipping out.

01:21:04.000 What did the kid get in big trouble for? 0.96

01:21:05.000 We were on a school trip, and he had fucked around with the air conditioning at a public place. 0.82

01:21:16.000 He set it at 90, so he set the heat on it. 0.98

01:21:22.000 But he was a troubled kid.

01:21:24.000 Right.

01:21:25.000 And this teacher said that to him, man.

01:21:27.000 I remember all of us that were in the room, because it was only like 10 of us when this guy came in to yell at him.

01:21:36.000 We all just stared at the ground, because he was so full of rage when he said it to this kid, but he really went in hard.

01:21:44.000 I'm not even doing a fraction of it. 0.99

01:21:46.000 He was like, you're not shit, and you're not going to amount to shit. 1.00

01:21:49.000 We were like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:21:50.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:21:51.000 Yeah, he's treating that killer a grownup. 1.00

01:21:53.000 Yeah.

01:21:53.000 How old were they?

01:21:55.000 The kids?

01:21:56.000 Yeah.

01:21:56.000 We were, I think, juniors in high school.

01:21:59.000 We were old enough, but it still was fucked up to say. 0.99

01:22:04.000 That's fucked up. 0.99

01:22:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:05.000 Fucked up, man. 0.99

01:22:06.000 Ooh, that's 16? 1.00

01:22:07.000 Yeah, 16. 16 to 17. Yeah, well, you know what, man?

01:22:11.000 Some of those guys are just...

01:22:13.000 There's PTSD in being a teacher, too, man.

01:22:15.000 For sure.

01:22:16.000 The amount of stress and pressure that you have to deal with.

01:22:18.000 And then you're trying to raise your family and everything on that... 1.00

01:22:22.000 Bullshit salary. 1.00

01:22:23.000 Bullshit salary. 1.00

01:22:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:22:24.000 That's why when you get a good one, it's so memorable. 1.00

01:22:28.000 I had a really, really good English teacher.

01:22:30.000 A really good English teacher and a really good Spanish teacher.

01:22:32.000 The English teacher was so nice.

01:22:34.000 She was so nice and everybody loved her and they got psyched when they got her.

01:22:37.000 Yeah.

01:22:38.000 Because she was like, she would talk like she was an older lady. 0.99

01:22:42.000 When I was in high school, I gotta imagine she was probably in her late 50s to early 60s.

01:22:47.000 And she would talk about sex, and she would talk about romance.

01:22:55.000 She was talking about literary works, and then she would talk about how it applies and what you're going to experience in your own life. 0.99

01:23:04.000 There's going to be times in your own life where you just think that This is everything and this person's everything to you and those are wonderful moments She goes but they're transient and sometimes they go away, especially when you're young You're young and you're having sex with each other and people and people like what the fuck is she saying?

01:23:21.000 Yeah, we couldn't believe it She's saying we're having sex and she's like and then you know that person might have sex with somebody else and you're just gonna be devastated but maybe they're just gonna love you more once they do that and You know, maybe they'll make that mistake, and then it'll just make them appreciate and accept you more,

01:23:36.000 but some people can't.

01:23:37.000 They can't deal with that.

01:23:39.000 They can't deal with that.

01:23:40.000 And I remember her saying that. 1.00

01:23:41.000 I was like, whoa, this is deep shit. 1.00

01:23:43.000 That's pretty deep. 1.00

01:23:44.000 High school English class. 1.00

01:23:45.000 This old lady's talking about fucking people. 1.00

01:23:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:48.000 And cheating, too.

01:23:50.000 Yeah, jealousy and everything. 0.86

01:23:51.000 And how silly it all was and how in perspective.

01:23:54.000 But she was trying to, you know, give us like some, I forget what the work that she was referring to, like what book we were talking or what stories we were discussing that made her bring that up.

01:24:04.000 But I remember thinking like, wow.

01:24:05.000 This lady just dropped some experience knowledge. 1.00

01:24:08.000 Like, I never forgot her saying that, like that, you know, when someone leaves you or someone cheats on you, it'll feel like the most devastating thing ever.

01:24:15.000 But they might really just feel better because of, like, they might love you more because of that.

01:24:20.000 It might be better for your relationship after that's over. 0.99

01:24:23.000 She went through some shit, man. 1.00

01:24:24.000 Yeah, she must have. 1.00

01:24:25.000 She must have.

01:24:26.000 But it was the way she was describing it to the class.

01:24:29.000 I had a great Spanish teacher too.

01:24:32.000 Spanish teacher was awesome.

01:24:33.000 He was friendly and fun, but then, after I graduated, I found out that he was banging students.

01:24:42.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:24:43.000 Yeah.

01:24:43.000 That's why he was so friendly.

01:24:44.000 Yeah, he banged one of my friends.

01:24:46.000 Wow.

01:24:47.000 And she was 17. Yeah, he started banging her as she was a senior in high school.

01:24:54.000 I think he banged her a little bit as she was graduating too.

01:24:57.000 Was he American?

01:24:58.000 Yep.

01:24:59.000 How old was he?

01:25:00.000 He was a handsome guy.

01:25:03.000 I wish I knew. 0.99

01:25:04.000 I would have to say, shit, you know, obviously I was 17, so he was an adult. 0.99

01:25:10.000 I would say he's in his 20s, maybe. 0.99

01:25:12.000 Okay, so that's relatively a young teacher, though.

01:25:14.000 Yeah, probably like 20. I mean, graduated from college, so he has to be like 23, 24. But he's not 50. No, he's probably 30, like 29, 30, somewhere in that range.

01:25:23.000 But I was surprised he was banging 17-year-olds.

01:25:25.000 I was like, oh, hey, buddy.

01:25:27.000 I mean, look, in perspective, if he's 43 and the girl's 30, it's nothing.

01:25:33.000 And your students are different than...

01:25:37.000 Yes.

01:25:38.000 Did he last long there?

01:25:40.000 I don't remember.

01:25:41.000 I don't know.

01:25:42.000 Once I was gone, I was gone, man. 0.98

01:25:44.000 When I graduated from high school, I fucking graduated. 0.96

01:25:48.000 I mean, I never even went back and got my diploma. 0.98

01:25:49.000 I didn't go to my graduation.

01:25:51.000 Really?

01:25:51.000 I didn't even want it.

01:25:52.000 I was like, I don't want to have anything to do with this place.

01:25:55.000 I just wanted to be free.

01:25:56.000 Get out of there.

01:25:57.000 I wanted to be...

01:25:58.000 I just knew whatever they were selling, whatever they were pushing, whatever mold they were trying to get me to fit in, it was unacceptable.

01:26:06.000 And I had to figure out what...

01:26:10.000 Detox from whatever they did to me, and it wasn't their fault.

01:26:13.000 It's like they're just teaching.

01:26:14.000 That's what every kid experiences when they're being forced into doing something they don't want to do, along with the pressure of growing up, along with the pressure, you know, whatever your parents are putting on you, what expectations your family might have.

01:26:30.000 And with me, there's a lot of expectations of the people that I knew.

01:26:34.000 A lot of the kids that I was going to school with, they were all set up for college, and they all had these ideas of what they were going to do, and I was lost.

01:26:41.000 I was like, I didn't know what I wanted to do.

01:26:42.000 I was competing in martial arts tournaments, but I knew there was a limited amount of future with that.

01:26:48.000 I was like, where can I take this?

01:26:50.000 I knew that eventually, if I kept going too, I was gonna get brain damage.

01:26:54.000 I was probably already getting a little bit of it. 0.99

01:26:56.000 I was like, if I keep going, I'm gonna wind up fucked in the head. 0.98

01:27:00.000 I'm gonna wind up slurring my words or something. 0.99

01:27:03.000 Really? 1.00

01:27:04.000 Fuck yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:27:05.000 Especially once I started kickboxing. 1.00

01:27:08.000 But I also knew that a job, like a job job, like an office job... 0.99

01:27:13.000 Fucking unacceptable, man. 0.99

01:27:14.000 I can't do it. 1.00

01:27:15.000 I just won't.

01:27:16.000 I have too much energy or I have too much impatience or something.

01:27:20.000 I mean, I'm not going to be able to sit down.

01:27:22.000 So I just had to wait until I got out of there to try to take a deep breath.

01:27:27.000 I took a year off, didn't do anything for a year.

01:27:29.000 Just worked and competed.

01:27:32.000 And then I started going to UMass Boston.

01:27:38.000 They had a continuing education program.

01:27:40.000 You didn't have to take your SATs.

01:27:42.000 Yeah.

01:27:42.000 I never took my SATs.

01:27:44.000 Yeah.

01:27:44.000 So I just went and I did that for three years and then I was like, I'm just wasting my time.

01:27:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:49.000 Fucking complete waste. 1.00

01:27:51.000 I fucking, I knew that in an office it would be, I think my literal death. 1.00

01:27:58.000 I could feel the depression of it setting in, you know, like all, especially cause it was, I think it's a lot of it. 0.99

01:28:04.000 It's not that working in an office is the worst.

01:28:06.000 It's that it wasn't meaningful work.

01:28:08.000 It wasn't anything that I cared about.

01:28:10.000 Right.

01:28:10.000 Any of the office jobs I had were just something to do because you're supposed to have a job.

01:28:16.000 What did you think you wanted to do when you were in high school?

01:28:18.000 Like when you're like, okay, Tommy, you're 17, you're about to graduate.

01:28:21.000 What do you want to do?

01:28:22.000 I knew I wanted to do comedy.

01:28:24.000 Really?

01:28:24.000 Yeah, but I didn't know I wanted to do stand-up.

01:28:26.000 I think it's because what's accessible, or what seemed accessible, or the thing that I responded to was watching movies.

01:28:35.000 So I thought I would be a comedic actor of some kind.

01:28:39.000 That's what I thought.

01:28:40.000 Who was your favorite?

01:28:43.000 I mean, I loved Belushi, Ackroyd.

01:28:47.000 I liked Bill Murray a lot, and I liked Eddie Murphy.

01:28:51.000 Those were kind of my two favorites as a kid.

01:28:54.000 Of course. 0.95

01:28:55.000 So I thought everything, both of their schools, their styles are really different, but to me they were really, and Chevy Chase and stuff, those guys were the funniest fucking guys to me. 0.59

01:29:06.000 Whatever happened to Bob and Doug McKenzie? 0.67

01:29:10.000 Bob and Doug McKenzie.

01:29:11.000 Do you remember the Honey I Shrunk the Kids guy?

01:29:13.000 Oh yeah. 1.00

01:29:14.000 The fucking guy with the glasses? 1.00

01:29:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:15.000 And then there was the other, they had a show. 1.00

01:29:17.000 Isn't that Rick Moranis?

01:29:18.000 Yes.

01:29:19.000 He quit acting.

01:29:20.000 What happened with that guy? 0.84

01:29:21.000 He quit acting because he just didn't want to be, that's what I read, he didn't want to be in the, he thought the business was ridiculous.

01:29:29.000 Yeah.

01:29:29.000 Well, there's a lot of people that feel like that.

01:29:31.000 Yeah.

01:29:31.000 You get to that certain point where you just don't want to have anything to do anymore.

01:29:34.000 I think he moved to like a, you know, just off, Not off the grid, really, but, like, just away from L.A. and...

01:29:41.000 Just done.

01:29:42.000 Done.

01:29:42.000 Why don't he do this for a living?

01:29:43.000 I did, too.

01:29:44.000 I wonder.

01:29:44.000 I forget.

01:29:45.000 I read an article about him, about how...

01:29:47.000 He just... 1.00

01:29:47.000 Starring in movies, and then was just like, fuck this. 1.00

01:29:50.000 Over it. 0.99

01:29:50.000 It's interesting that some people do, they have that wake-up moment where like, okay, this is not what I wanted to do. 0.99

01:29:58.000 It's not what I thought it was, and now that I'm doing it, I gotta get out of this.

01:30:02.000 Yeah, I mean, if you're working entertainment too, especially like on the acting, you know, directing side of things, I could see how...

01:30:14.000 There's so much nonsense involved in the business side of that, that it's very, at some point I could, you know, you could be very talented and not be working at it and be like, what am I doing just trying to get into this system, you know?

01:30:27.000 Yeah.

01:30:28.000 Well, it seems unattainable.

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:30.000 And when things seem unattainable, you think you want them.

01:30:33.000 Right.

01:30:34.000 Right, right, right.

01:30:35.000 Yeah, you think you do.

01:30:36.000 Well, that's what I think happens to a lot of people when they get that reality show fame.

01:30:40.000 You know, they think, they look at it, they're like, if I was famous, boy, everything could be great.

01:30:45.000 And then, you know, you wind up being one of the housewives that's, like, on the cover of the magazines. 0.99

01:30:50.000 Then you realize how many fucking people hate you. 0.99

01:30:53.000 The anger. 0.99

01:30:55.000 Have you ever, like, seen, like, the TMZ comments when one of those, like, real housewives gets in trouble?

01:31:02.000 Like, Jesus Christ! 0.80

01:31:04.000 You're hated, yeah. 1.00

01:31:06.000 Monsters out there that are focusing their rage for whatever disappointment they have in their life on you because you're the chick on the housewife with the fake lips. 0.98

01:31:15.000 And to a certain extent, too, it just...

01:31:18.000 This is something more like they became about in the last, I feel like 15, 20 years, which is that being famous for the sake of being famous really is a curse.

01:31:32.000 You know, it's a highly pursued thing now where people are just like, being famous has got to be the best thing ever. 0.97

01:31:38.000 But when there's nothing behind the reason that you're known, I feel like that's just a fucking empty black hole. 0.95

01:31:46.000 But is it as much of a black hole as growing up in poverty in a bad neighborhood in LA? Like if you look at those kids that you saw in those projects that are in this trap, they're stuck in this awful neighborhood, crime-infested community, is that a worse life? 0.97

01:32:02.000 Or is it a worse life to be Kim Kardashian where everybody just shits in your mouth everywhere you go? 1.00

01:32:08.000 Well, they shit in her mouth as she gets on a Gulfstream G650. Exactly. 1.00

01:32:14.000 So it's like, yeah, I understand the question.

01:32:18.000 But to her face, too.

01:32:19.000 Do you think to her face they're mean?

01:32:21.000 I bet they're not.

01:32:22.000 No, they're not. 1.00

01:32:23.000 I bet there's a lot of ass kicked. 0.94

01:32:25.000 She's had some mean things probably yelled at her, but there's no way people are as brutal as they are online to her face. 0.99

01:32:31.000 No way.

01:32:31.000 Yeah, even those people that are brutal to her online, if they met her and they were in front of her.

01:32:38.000 That's why the interaction with people online is so flawed.

01:32:42.000 I was reading a meme blog about someone the other day, and I was like, I wonder how this person would feel if they were sitting down with this guy, having a conversation with him. 0.91

01:32:51.000 I wonder if they would say the same type of shit that they wrote when the person can respond. 0.93

01:32:58.000 Writing a meme blog about someone... 1.00

01:33:01.000 It's really like the coward's way out.

01:33:05.000 It really is in a lot of ways because you're addressing someone that can't address you back in some sort of a... 0.99

01:33:11.000 Well, then again, so is shitting on them in a podcast or shitting on them doing stand-up. 0.81

01:33:16.000 Well, I was going to say at least we're trying to be entertaining, but I guess they're trying to be entertaining when they write a blog, too. 0.99

01:33:21.000 Yeah, they are.

01:33:22.000 They're trying to get something out of them.

01:33:25.000 We were talking before the show about that girl who made that video about fat shaming.

01:33:28.000 Yeah.

01:33:29.000 I only know about it because I saw a tweet.

01:33:32.000 Again, going back to the entertainment of it, I saw a tweet.

01:33:36.000 I saw the response video that Sean Halpin made.

01:33:40.000 I haven't seen that.

01:33:41.000 It was pretty funny, man.

01:33:42.000 It was really funny.

01:33:43.000 Let's play that.

01:33:44.000 First of all, I watched part of the video this morning.

01:33:47.000 It should have been edited.

01:33:49.000 I got her point after the first few minutes.

01:33:51.000 But I thought it was good.

01:33:53.000 It was okay.

01:33:56.000 She's hot. 1.00

01:33:57.000 She's hot. 1.00

01:33:57.000 That's part of the problem. 1.00

01:33:58.000 She's shitting on fat people and she's got a perfect body and a beautiful face and big old todays. 1.00

01:34:04.000 Hi. 1.00

01:34:05.000 But this is like, you know, I guess she makes, I don't know, YouTube videos?

01:34:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:34:10.000 Look, there's a fucking business in making these goddamn YouTube videos. 1.00

01:34:14.000 For sure there are. 1.00

01:34:14.000 The comedy store next door, they have that hotel where they use the side of the hotel as a billboard, and they paint stuff on it. 1.00

01:34:21.000 There's a huge one.

01:34:23.000 That was all just this YouTube page with this girl that I don't know who she is, but she has two million followers on YouTube, and YouTube has decided to take out giant billboards on the Sunset Strip that show people that have more than a million followers.

01:34:36.000 So they have like X amount of million.

01:34:38.000 Wow.

01:34:39.000 Yeah, and she has more than one, this one girl. 0.96

01:34:42.000 I don't remember her name at all, but it's her with some cheese puffs.

01:34:46.000 It's trying to be wacky.

01:34:47.000 But there's several of them.

01:34:49.000 I've seen several of them. 0.99

01:34:51.000 If you can be entertaining, like, this girl hit the fucking jackpot with this video. 1.00

01:34:56.000 Because we're talking about it. 0.99

01:34:58.000 Right.

01:34:58.000 It's on Twitter.

01:34:59.000 A lot of people are talking about it.

01:35:01.000 Sean Halpern does it?

01:35:02.000 Sean Halpern.

01:35:03.000 By the way, I'm not Sean Halpern, if anyone's watching this.

01:35:05.000 You're way better looking than him. 0.99

01:35:06.000 I don't give a fuck what everybody says. 0.99

01:35:09.000 Let's play it. 0.99

01:35:10.000 Let's see their response.

01:35:11.000 Got my Kesha hair today.

01:35:13.000 You don't know if this is hairspray or semen?

01:35:15.000 Nope. 0.97

01:35:16.000 Pretty sure that's semen. 1.00

01:35:18.000 Dear fat people. 0.99

01:35:19.000 Yes? 0.96

01:35:19.000 What do you have to tell us? 0.96

01:35:22.000 Some people are already really mad at this video. 0.99

01:35:24.000 Yeah, because I'm mad about your shitty act outs. 0.99

01:35:27.000 What are you going to do, fat people? 1.00

01:35:28.000 I'm going to sit here and wait for you to tell me a hacky fat joke. 0.99

01:35:32.000 What are you going to do?

01:35:33.000 You going to chase me?

01:35:34.000 Really?

01:35:35.000 You going to chase me?

01:35:36.000 No.

01:35:37.000 I only chase after taco trucks and people that are relevant. 0.99

01:35:41.000 It's gonna be like fucking Frankenstein. 0.99

01:35:43.000 Frankenstein wasn't fat. 1.00

01:35:44.000 He was slow.

01:35:45.000 Oh, oh, I see what you're doing.

01:35:47.000 You're comparing.

01:35:49.000 Someone took a comedy class.

01:35:51.000 Yeah, can you act out being a zombie so we can get the whole sci-fi crowd and nerds behind you?

01:35:59.000 I can get away from you by walking at a reasonable pace.

01:36:02.000 Is that a snake?

01:36:03.000 Oh no, it's just your lisp.

01:36:05.000 Frankenstein, not so fast.

01:36:07.000 Zombies have apparently gotten faster.

01:36:09.000 Oh, we're talking about zombies now?

01:36:11.000 You're way off from your original message.

01:36:13.000 I watched like three episodes of The Walking Dead and not being slow myself in the brain. 1.00

01:36:18.000 Big tits. 1.00

01:36:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:36:19.000 That's what I'm looking at.

01:36:20.000 Realize that every single episode is exactly the same.

01:36:23.000 What, you mean killing zombies? 0.99

01:36:24.000 That's what the show's about, dummy. 0.99

01:36:26.000 Oh no, they need something.

01:36:28.000 But it's all the way over there.

01:36:29.000 Where the zombies are.

01:36:31.000 Yes, because that's what the show's about.

01:36:35.000 And why is this being shot like an American Apparel ad?

01:36:38.000 Fat shaming?

01:36:41.000 It's not a thing?

01:36:44.000 Why don't you tell that to the teenagers that killed their self?

01:36:47.000 Because people are fat shaming them.

01:36:49.000 Oh, you can't.

01:36:51.000 Because they're dead. 1.00

01:36:52.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:36:53.000 It's probably made up. 1.00

01:36:56.000 Probably made up by the same person that told you you have talent.

01:36:59.000 That's the race card, with no race.

01:37:01.000 Oh, now you're bringing race into it. 0.96

01:37:03.000 Oh, and can I get a shitty act out? 0.90

01:37:05.000 Yeah, but I couldn't fit into a store. 0.89

01:37:06.000 That's discrimination.

01:37:08.000 Nailed it.

01:37:09.000 Uh, no.

01:37:10.000 That means you're too fat and you should stop eating.

01:37:12.000 Hey, hey. 1.00

01:37:12.000 Can someone shut this bitch up? 1.00

01:37:14.000 Drop that shitty act out! 1.00

01:37:16.000 Everybody just needs to make more fun! 0.99

01:37:18.000 There's a race card.

01:37:19.000 There's a disability card. 0.82

01:37:21.000 There's even a gay card.

01:37:22.000 A race card. 0.78

01:37:23.000 A disability card. 0.98

01:37:24.000 A gay card. 1.00

01:37:26.000 This bitch better not have a SAG card. 1.00

01:37:28.000 Because gay people are discriminated against. 1.00

01:37:31.000 Wrongfully so! 0.99

01:37:32.000 No way! 1.00

01:37:33.000 The gay card's covered in glitter. 1.00

01:37:34.000 It's fucking magical. 1.00

01:37:35.000 Oh, I hope you choke on a glow stick. 1.00

01:37:38.000 I hope somebody beats you with a unicorn. 0.97

01:37:40.000 I hope somebody takes those three cards you're talking about and shoves them up your... 1.00

01:37:43.000 Are you going to tell the doctor that they're being mean and fat shaming you when they say you have fucking heart disease? 0.99

01:37:49.000 No, because he's a professional and he's saying it to my face. 0.99

01:37:53.000 He's not on social media making dumb blanket statements. 0.79

01:38:21.000 Okay, I think we get it. 0.92

01:38:27.000 Okay.

01:38:27.000 Yeah, that sounds great.

01:38:29.000 Yeah.

01:38:33.000 Well, that's what happens when you make something like that, right?

01:38:35.000 Yeah, of course.

01:38:36.000 If you open yourself up to that.

01:38:37.000 Dude, when you make anything, you know, you're open, you're open, like, you know, I've...

01:38:41.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:38:42.000 Does that say Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby?

01:38:44.000 Yeah, you didn't hear about that? 1.00

01:38:45.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:38:46.000 Oh, you should have heard. 1.00

01:38:47.000 Hold on a second.

01:38:48.000 What is that?

01:38:48.000 Hold on.

01:38:49.000 He was on The Breakfast Club the other day.

01:38:51.000 Come on.

01:38:51.000 Just pull that up.

01:38:53.000 Dude.

01:38:55.000 That can't be real.

01:38:56.000 It was just on the headline thing.

01:38:58.000 You know, they have that little headline thing?

01:39:00.000 The drop-down.

01:39:01.000 Yeah, the drop-down.

01:39:02.000 I guess entertainment.

01:39:03.000 Go to entertainment.

01:39:04.000 Cecil the Lion Killer's backdoor.

01:39:05.000 There it is.

01:39:06.000 Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby.

01:39:08.000 After this, we're going to go to Cecil.

01:39:08.000 He calls the accusers unrapeable.

01:39:10.000 Oh, no.

01:39:11.000 He didn't say that.

01:39:13.000 No.

01:39:13.000 Yeah.

01:39:14.000 No.

01:39:16.000 You know who else defended him?

01:39:18.000 Who?

01:39:18.000 Chuck D. Chuck D called him all the accusations against Dr. Cosby.

01:39:25.000 That's what he said, Dr. Cosby. 0.99

01:39:26.000 Which, by the way, first of all, he's not a fucking doctor. 0.99

01:39:30.000 It's an honorary doctorate. 0.99

01:39:31.000 You can't call him Dr. Cosby. 0.97

01:39:33.000 When a university gives you an honorary doctorate for fucking showing up and being nice, it gives a lot of attention and promotion. 0.97

01:39:40.000 Did Chuck D do that recently? 0.98

01:39:42.000 Yes, very recently.

01:39:43.000 Really?

01:39:43.000 I was shocked.

01:39:44.000 He was talking about the conspiracy against Dr. Cosby.

01:39:48.000 Come on.

01:39:48.000 No, I'm not kidding.

01:39:49.000 And I'm a huge Chuck D fan.

01:39:51.000 Huge Public Enemy fan.

01:39:53.000 But I don't know, man. 1.00

01:39:55.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:39:56.000 Tell the truth, Wayne said, about his advice for The Cosby Show star. 1.00

01:40:00.000 If I was him, I would divorce my wife, give her all my money, and then I would go do a deposition.

01:40:05.000 I would light one of those three-hour cigars, and I'd have some wine, and maybe a Quaalude... 0.96

01:40:13.000 And I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping.

01:40:16.000 I believe he was in relationships with all of them.

01:40:18.000 And then he was like, you know what?

01:40:20.000 It's 78. Don't work like that no more.

01:40:25.000 I can't get it up for any of y'all. 1.00

01:40:27.000 Bye, bitches. 1.00

01:40:28.000 And then they're like, oh, really? 1.00

01:40:29.000 Rape. 0.57

01:40:30.000 Was he just trying to be funny? 0.77

01:40:32.000 I mean, I don't know.

01:40:33.000 It's hard to know, yeah.

01:40:34.000 Okay, Power 105's Breakfast Club.

01:40:37.000 Is that that dude Charlemagne?

01:40:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:40:39.000 See, that guy is like, his whole show is like talking shit and having fun. 1.00

01:40:44.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:40:44.000 The God. 1.00

01:40:44.000 Yeah, so he's just trying to probably be funny. 1.00

01:40:48.000 It's a money hustle.

01:40:49.000 See, I think you should listen to this.

01:40:51.000 This is one of those things where I definitely don't think that you should ever...

01:40:53.000 There's full audio of it, for sure.

01:40:54.000 Let's play the audio, because I don't think...

01:40:56.000 Like, I'm doing a shitty version of it.

01:41:04.000 It's just like, I don't think that he, you know, I have a really hard time believing that he actually said that. 0.99

01:41:12.000 That's fucking crazy. 0.87

01:41:15.000 Just find the actual thing of it, and then we'll go back to it. 0.99

01:41:20.000 Do you have the ability to only have the audio in your head so you can listen to it?

01:41:24.000 No? 0.99

01:41:24.000 What the fuck kind of a studio do we have here, Jamie? 0.99

01:41:27.000 If you type in Breakfast Club, will it? 0.99

01:41:30.000 Well, I think he found it.

01:41:33.000 He just has to isolate the audio.

01:41:36.000 That's crazy that he said that, though.

01:41:38.000 Jeez, that is career suicide.

01:41:40.000 I think he was kind of serious, though, because then he also was like, I'll just let you play.

01:41:45.000 It was pretty crazy.

01:41:46.000 Did you hear it?

01:41:47.000 I read it.

01:41:48.000 I read a full transcript.

01:41:50.000 I didn't hear it.

01:41:50.000 It's hard because Damon is really funny.

01:41:53.000 Damon Wayans is one of the most underrated comedians, like, almost ever.

01:41:58.000 Damon Wayans, at one point in time, I know he got off of it and decided to, like, do more acting.

01:42:03.000 He was in The Last Boy Scout.

01:42:04.000 He had made some, like, really big movies, and he was doing real well, and it was coming off of In Living Color, and he was on his way to superstardom to the point where he did...

01:42:16.000 One of his HBO specials, I think, was called Damon Wayans' Last Stand.

01:42:21.000 And when it was over, he threw the mic down and said, like, this is my last stand-up I'm ever going to do.

01:42:25.000 Boom.

01:42:25.000 And he threw the mic down and walked away.

01:42:27.000 And I remember thinking, like, you can't stop.

01:42:30.000 You're so good.

01:42:30.000 He's one of my favorites.

01:42:32.000 At the time, he was, like, one of my all-time favorites.

01:42:34.000 And you don't hear him doing stand-up that much anymore.

01:42:38.000 You don't hear of it.

01:42:39.000 I did a show, though, it was probably nine months ago at Flappers.

01:42:45.000 And then they're like, hey, because it was my show.

01:42:48.000 Do you mind if Damon Wayans does the spot next?

01:42:50.000 Hold on, hold on.

01:42:52.000 And I go, no.

01:42:54.000 And he came in and just did a spot.

01:42:55.000 Before you?

01:42:56.000 No, right after me.

01:42:57.000 Oh, yeah, after it's fun.

01:42:58.000 But before you, that guy does long sets.

01:43:01.000 He used to show up at the comedy store, and at the height of his fame, he would go up and do 45 minutes out of nowhere.

01:43:08.000 He was really doing a workout set, like a real workout set, and it was really funny.

01:43:13.000 It wasn't fully polished bits yet, but it was really funny. 0.98

01:43:17.000 No, he fucks around a lot. 0.57

01:43:18.000 He takes a lot of chances. 0.98

01:43:20.000 He's funny, man.

01:43:21.000 I used to see him a lot when I was coming up at the comedy store in the 90s.

01:43:27.000 And he would come by and do those long sets.

01:43:29.000 And this was, like I said, at the height of his stardom.

01:43:32.000 But I think the sitcom world lured him away, man.

01:43:35.000 Because that was crazy money.

01:43:36.000 What was that last sitcom that he did?

01:43:38.000 That ran for like a while.

01:43:40.000 It ran for a while.

01:43:41.000 My Wife and Kids or something?

01:43:42.000 That ran for a while. 0.97

01:43:43.000 But nobody gave a fuck about it. 0.98

01:43:45.000 No. 0.98

01:43:45.000 I'm sure the people watching it might have given a fuck about it, but in comparison to what he's capable of with his stand-up, there's no comparison. 0.98

01:43:52.000 He's a monster. 1.00

01:43:52.000 Yeah, he's a monster. 1.00

01:43:53.000 He could have been, I think, one of the all-time greats. 0.95

01:43:56.000 I really do believe that.

01:43:57.000 I really do believe that.

01:43:58.000 I think he could have been like Chappelle.

01:43:59.000 I think he could have been right out there with all those guys.

01:44:01.000 But that lure is strong.

01:44:03.000 Imagine what his quote was when he's going into that show. 1.00

01:44:06.000 Stupid, stupid money. 1.00

01:44:07.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:08.000 And, you know, it's fucking hard, man. 0.98

01:44:10.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:44:11.000 They get lured into that.

01:44:12.000 Or, who knows, man?

01:44:13.000 Maybe he just decided that's what he wanted to do.

01:44:16.000 Maybe the idea of doing stand-up all the time wasn't appealing to him.

01:44:20.000 I don't know, man.

01:44:21.000 You know what?

01:44:21.000 Yeah.

01:44:22.000 But it's just...

01:44:22.000 I see a guy like that, and I go, wow, that's kind of crazy.

01:44:25.000 Because he's, like, easily one of the all-times.

01:44:28.000 Mm-hmm.

01:44:29.000 Mm-hmm.

01:44:30.000 During the day.

01:44:31.000 During the day.

01:44:32.000 Back in the day.

01:44:33.000 And then you see him now, and it's just...

01:44:35.000 I never hear about him anymore.

01:44:36.000 I never hear about him doing a stadium somewhere.

01:44:41.000 I don't know if this was true, but I remember hearing multiple people say that Eddie Murphy, when he stopped doing stand-up, was saying that I don't want to even have to compete with Damon Waynes.

01:44:52.000 I heard people say that. 0.97

01:44:54.000 That's what Eddie Murphy thought of Damon Waynes, that he was like, that dude's the funniest fucking guy. 0.97

01:44:58.000 He was so good, dude. 0.97

01:45:00.000 I remember seeing him nights at the Comedy Store with like 50 people in the audience just crushing.

01:45:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:45:06.000 And be inspired, thinking, fuck, this guy's so good. 0.99

01:45:10.000 He's one of those overused term, but he's just a naturally funny guy, right? 0.97

01:45:12.000 Like, he's a guy, I feel like, that can just kind of talk about anything and be funny.

01:45:17.000 Well, he works at it, for sure.

01:45:19.000 I mean, it's hard to say naturally funny when the guy's doing sets all the time.

01:45:22.000 True, true.

01:45:23.000 You know, we all know that that's the way that everything gets polished up, but I had heard that, I don't know if this is true, so I probably shouldn't even be saying it, but I had heard that he had installed a stage in his house.

01:45:33.000 Come on. 0.96

01:45:33.000 Yeah, that he put a stage, like, he installed, like, a little mini comedy club in his house, like, to fuck around and practice. 0.96

01:45:40.000 Really? 0.99

01:45:41.000 Yeah.

01:45:42.000 That sounds crazy.

01:45:43.000 It does sound crazy, but why is that crazy?

01:45:46.000 But someone installing a music studio in their house isn't crazy.

01:45:49.000 That's true.

01:45:50.000 Because I think it's the idea that you need pretty much strangers to be at your comedy show.

01:45:56.000 You need an audience.

01:45:57.000 Whereas a studio, that's where you do your work, doesn't matter where it's located.

01:46:01.000 Are you just going to have people like, RSVP'd in my house this weekend, man?

01:46:04.000 Well, maybe he would practice in front of nobody.

01:46:07.000 And maybe he would have his family sit down and listen. 0.99

01:46:11.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

01:46:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:46:13.000 Practice in front of nobody's kind of a weird thing, right?

01:46:15.000 Like, I've heard people tell me, a lot of times I've heard people go, hey man, I'm trying to get into stand-up.

01:46:20.000 Like, what should I do?

01:46:21.000 And I'm like, well, you know, get on stage.

01:46:23.000 Like, I do it a lot.

01:46:24.000 I'm like, where do you do it?

01:46:24.000 Like, at home?

01:46:25.000 Like, I'll stay in front of the mirror and do it there.

01:46:29.000 I'm like, oh.

01:46:30.000 Like, yeah, you need an audience, man.

01:46:32.000 I recorded all my ideas as stand-up bits before I ever did them.

01:46:37.000 I had a tape recorder with those little press buttons and you record.

01:46:43.000 I never even did stand-up yet, so it was my idea of what stand-up should sound like.

01:46:51.000 Where are those tapes?

01:46:53.000 Where are those tapes?

01:46:54.000 I'd love to get a hold of those.

01:46:58.000 How's everybody doing?

01:47:03.000 It was awful, I'm sure, but I only did it like before I did stand-up.

01:47:08.000 Once I did my first open mic night, I stopped doing it.

01:47:11.000 Do you record ideas still in your phone?

01:47:14.000 Yes, I record ideas, but more often than that, instead of recording them, I do record them, but I talk into the voice thing.

01:47:22.000 I talk into this, you know, you have the voice notes or the notes app, you know, you could talk to it.

01:47:29.000 No.

01:47:29.000 Oh dude, check this out.

01:47:30.000 See this little button right here?

01:47:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:32.000 Tom Segura is a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:47:36.000 Bam. 1.00

01:47:37.000 Oh, that's in notes?

01:47:39.000 Yep. 0.97

01:47:39.000 How the fuck have I ever done that? 0.97

01:47:41.000 Oh, it's amazing. 0.98

01:47:42.000 So I'm in my car.

01:47:43.000 If I'm in my car and I have an idea, I'll either record it, which I'll sometimes do, or I will just say the note and it'll type it out for you.

01:47:53.000 But there's some stuff that's lost in writing things down as opposed to hearing it.

01:48:01.000 So did you isolate what he said?

01:48:04.000 Okay. 1.00

01:48:04.000 Joe Rogan just taught me how this shit works. 1.00

01:48:07.000 Oh, man. 1.00

01:48:09.000 Isn't that amazing?

01:48:09.000 It's so accurate now.

01:48:14.000 Now, what advice would you give Bill Cosby now if you could tell him, this is what you need to do.

01:48:19.000 Did he say die? 0.99

01:48:21.000 Die. 0.94

01:48:22.000 Tell the truth. 0.99

01:48:24.000 If I was him, I would divorce my wife, wink wink, give her all my money, and then I would go to a deposition, I'd light one of them three hour cigars, I'd have me some wine, and maybe a Quaalude.

01:48:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:48:40.000 And I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping. 0.98

01:48:44.000 I think he was in relationships with all of them.

01:48:47.000 And then he's like, you know what?

01:48:48.000 It's 78. It don't work no more.

01:48:50.000 I can't get it up for any of y'all. 0.99

01:48:52.000 Bye, bitches. 1.00

01:48:54.000 And they're like, oh, really? 1.00

01:48:56.000 Rape.

01:48:57.000 Because, I mean, 40 years. 0.73

01:49:00.000 40 years. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Listen, how big is his penis that it give you amnesia for 40 years? 0.99

01:49:07.000 Well, no, in all fairness, some women did come out previously. 1.00

01:49:11.000 Some women did go ahead previously and come out and give their stories. 1.00

01:49:16.000 And we didn't hear, there's a couple of them that did, you know, decades, a couple of decades ago.

01:49:21.000 So he never was charged with anything.

01:49:23.000 Right. 0.97

01:49:23.000 But if you listen to them talk, they go, well, the first time, the first time, bitch, how many times did it happen? 0.97

01:49:30.000 Just listen to what they're saying. 0.99

01:49:31.000 And some of them really is unrapeable.

01:49:34.000 When you look, I look at them and go, no, he don't want that.

01:49:38.000 Get out of here.

01:49:39.000 And Charlene gets up and he's laughing.

01:49:41.000 Get out of here.

01:49:44.000 No, but I understand the dynamics.

01:49:46.000 They might have been hot in their younger days.

01:49:49.000 No, you can tell, dude.

01:49:51.000 Some of them are models and actresses, but I understand the dynamic of people saying, well, why were you alone with him?

01:49:56.000 Or why were you in that room?

01:49:58.000 Or why did you go upstairs with him?

01:50:00.000 And then people look at you in a certain way and you're like, man, maybe I shouldn't have done that.

01:50:05.000 Maybe that's my fault.

01:50:06.000 Look, I understand fame.

01:50:09.000 I've lived it.

01:50:10.000 Women will throw themselves at you. 1.00

01:50:13.000 They just want to be in your presence.

01:50:16.000 There's some that innocently will come up there, but not 40-something women. 1.00

01:50:21.000 They're not that naive. 1.00

01:50:23.000 He's talking about in 1965, he just walked into someone's dressing room and put his penis in their mouth? 0.99

01:50:30.000 But then people are also looking at Bill Cosby and the persona that he has of like a mentor. 0.99

01:50:34.000 Oh, I'm gonna help you with your career.

01:50:36.000 Some of them were on the Cosby show and would come into his dressing room.

01:50:39.000 You know what Bill Cosby did, Ron?

01:50:41.000 He started criticizing young black men.

01:50:43.000 Yep. 0.85

01:50:43.000 And then he lost us. 0.85

01:50:47.000 Yep.

01:50:47.000 And so we're not supporting him.

01:50:49.000 And they see that opening.

01:50:50.000 And so now, you know what? 0.99

01:50:52.000 Attack him. 1.00

01:50:52.000 Kill him. 1.00

01:50:53.000 But the dude from 7th Heaven, his show's still on TV. Yep. 1.00

01:50:56.000 That's very true what you said.

01:50:58.000 Is that dude from Seventh Heaven's show still on TV? I thought they pulled that.

01:51:04.000 Hold on, pause that real quick.

01:51:06.000 Is that?

01:51:08.000 They got pulled a while ago, I thought.

01:51:10.000 Yeah, is that true?

01:51:12.000 I remember when that story...

01:51:13.000 Is that the Seventh Heaven guy?

01:51:15.000 Collins, right? 0.99

01:51:16.000 He actually admitted that he raped young girls, right? 0.99

01:51:20.000 He admitted that he had sexually molested young girls. 0.92

01:51:24.000 Let's see, Seventh Heaven cancelled.

01:51:28.000 Well, I thought they even stopped airing the reruns.

01:51:32.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

01:51:33.000 Seventh Heaven was canceled.

01:51:35.000 Yeah.

01:51:37.000 That's canceled.

01:51:39.000 Yeah, but that guy's not in jail, right?

01:51:41.000 Don't know.

01:51:42.000 I don't know.

01:51:43.000 Stephen Collins is his name.

01:51:45.000 Let's see.

01:51:47.000 Stephen Collins.

01:51:50.000 But I think, yeah, confesses sexual abuse, but that's December, yeah, the last news of this was from over a year ago.

01:52:00.000 Uh-huh.

01:52:01.000 Wow.

01:52:02.000 So it just, that's it.

01:52:03.000 He got divorced.

01:52:04.000 His divorce, this is the last piece of news, is that he got divorced.

01:52:10.000 His divorce settled.

01:52:11.000 And then his confession tape.

01:52:13.000 Wasn't that a part of the divorce?

01:52:15.000 Like, the part of, like, why he got caught was that his wife...

01:52:20.000 She recorded him.

01:52:21.000 Recorded it.

01:52:21.000 Yeah.

01:52:21.000 And she outed him because she was divorcing him.

01:52:25.000 Well, who knows why she didn't? 1.00

01:52:26.000 I hope she, you know, I hope she felt like he was a piece of shit and that was part of the reasons why she did it. 1.00

01:52:34.000 Settlement, a 50-50 split. 1.00

01:52:35.000 As we previously reported, the pot is worth around 14 million bucks.

01:52:40.000 That guy had 14 million bucks?

01:52:42.000 What the hell, man? 1.00

01:52:45.000 Imagine the poor woman living with some guy and he's fucking little kids. 1.00

01:52:49.000 Little kids. 1.00

01:52:51.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:52:54.000 Yeah, that guy should be... 0.99

01:52:56.000 It says the tape has made him unemployable and therefore he should be socked with a big spousal support tab.

01:53:05.000 But they worked it out down to who got the furniture.

01:53:08.000 That guy should be in jail.

01:53:10.000 Period.

01:53:11.000 Right?

01:53:11.000 Just in jail.

01:53:13.000 But this Cosby thing, like, Damon Wayans' attitude about it is very strange.

01:53:18.000 I don't agree with him at all. 0.98

01:53:20.000 You know, I mean, what he said, also what he said about Cosby criticizing young black men, that's fucking absolutely the truth. 1.00

01:53:28.000 He should have shut his fucking mouth about that. 1.00

01:53:30.000 But he should have shut his fucking mouth about that, not because he was raping women, just because... 1.00

01:53:35.000 It's none of your fucking business, like, who swears or who doesn't swear. 1.00

01:53:39.000 You're denying the artistic integrity of, like, Richard Pryor or Dave Chappelle or any of these guys who swear. 0.99

01:53:45.000 I think he's also making a commentary about that Cosby was doing it to young black men in society.

01:53:53.000 Because that was a big thing for him in, like, the last 15, 20 years.

01:53:57.000 He even wrote a book with another guy. 0.96

01:53:59.000 He was like, you know, that famous like, pull your paint, stop, you have these ridiculous names.

01:54:04.000 He gave like that kind of town hall speech, and he went into like really impoverished areas, and he's like, these names that you guys are, these aren't real names. 0.74

01:54:11.000 Right, Pookie, T-Bone. 0.86

01:54:12.000 Yeah, like, what's this Quantasha and shit? 0.98

01:54:15.000 So when he started to do that, people were like, well, here's a uber rich dude coming in telling us how to live our life. 0.98

01:54:24.000 Right.

01:54:25.000 Telling us we're doing everything wrong.

01:54:26.000 He lost a lot of fans with that.

01:54:28.000 I think he's definitely got a point with that.

01:54:31.000 But the other thing, the woman had a point about how Cosby had that mentor role.

01:54:37.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:54:37.000 He would have these people and say he was going to help their career.

01:54:41.000 That's what they all said. 0.99

01:54:42.000 Can you imagine, though, if you were a young girl, like some 18-year-old girl, And Bill Cosby, who was, you know, 50 or 60 at the time, whatever the hell he was, brings you into his dressing room, says he's gonna help your career, and then slips a fucking quaalude into your drink. 1.00

01:54:59.000 And you're passed out, and you wake up with your panties off, and Cosby's jizz dripping down your asshole, and you're like, what? 1.00

01:55:05.000 What? 1.00

01:55:05.000 Dude, yeah. 1.00

01:55:06.000 You'd probably be so confused and so horrified.

01:55:09.000 And you know no one's going to believe you, too.

01:55:11.000 That's, by the way, the whole thing about, like, I've heard a lot of people bring up the time between something happening and the accusation.

01:55:20.000 Very common with sexual assault to wait long periods of time.

01:55:24.000 Because people feel shame and they feel like no one will believe them.

01:55:28.000 They don't know what to do.

01:55:29.000 It's really common.

01:55:30.000 It's not unusual at all.

01:55:31.000 Well, that's the case with all rape, right?

01:55:34.000 Right, yeah.

01:55:36.000 Sex crimes a lot of times don't go reported because of that.

01:55:42.000 It's the idea that they're unrapeable. 0.99

01:55:45.000 That's really fucked up. 0.99

01:55:46.000 He's trying to be funny. 0.99

01:55:47.000 He was trying to be funny there.

01:55:48.000 Can we see the rest of this?

01:55:50.000 Do you want to keep going?

01:55:51.000 Sure.

01:55:52.000 They killed Bill Cosby.

01:55:54.000 But being just sitting back looking at it, I just don't believe this.

01:55:59.000 I think it's a money hustle.

01:56:00.000 What you say is true because social media, we're the loudest on social media.

01:56:04.000 And social media is what really reignited that flame back of Bill Cosby.

01:56:08.000 Hannibal Buress.

01:56:09.000 That was Hannibal Buress.

01:56:10.000 I wonder how he feels being the dude that destroyed Bill Cosby.

01:56:13.000 If Bill Cosby died, he should be charged with accessory to murder.

01:56:17.000 What? 1.00

01:56:17.000 Shut up, man. 1.00

01:56:23.000 I always tell you the story because I think for them to make jokes like that, that's something that was kind of like well known. 0.99

01:56:30.000 You know, people heard that about Bill Cosby.

01:56:32.000 I remember when I was really young, my mom told me that she knew somebody that Bill Cosby had drugged.

01:56:38.000 And she told me that when I was a little kid.

01:56:39.000 She brought that back up too.

01:56:40.000 But it was a story that had always floated around.

01:56:43.000 That's why I think...

01:56:44.000 But here's the thing.

01:56:45.000 I don't know if I believe every single fifth of the 50 women, but I do believe that there's some... 1.00

01:56:50.000 There may be.

01:56:51.000 And for them, my heart goes out to them.

01:56:53.000 For anybody who was raped by dope, I'm sorry.

01:56:55.000 And I hope you get justice. 0.99

01:56:58.000 You other bitches, look, he gave me two pills. 1.00

01:57:03.000 He wasn't a doctor back then. 1.00

01:57:06.000 He gave them two pills.

01:57:08.000 That was the drug of choice.

01:57:10.000 Molly's is the drug of choice now.

01:57:13.000 People do that to get in the mood.

01:57:20.000 Maybe the girls never told him no, but they never told him yes either.

01:57:24.000 Or they woke up and...

01:57:25.000 But what's the joy of sleeping, you know, banging somebody who's asleep?

01:57:30.000 Gotta ask Bill.

01:57:31.000 Well, and you know, people have done that.

01:57:33.000 The date rape drug has been a popular thing, you know? 0.99

01:57:36.000 That's just a ridiculous argument. 0.96

01:57:39.000 What do you think about Hannibal Buhr? 0.97

01:57:41.000 I wouldn't want to be him.

01:57:43.000 I know.

01:57:44.000 Because, you know, the thing is, he, you know, I watch his show and I don't think he, it's premature in terms of his success.

01:57:56.000 Right now they're putting him out there because, you know, he's the guy out of Bill Cosby and he wasn't ready for primetime.

01:58:04.000 You know what I mean?

01:58:05.000 So hopefully, maybe he'll get it, you know, he'll catch it, but I don't feel it right now.

01:58:10.000 And, you know, I wouldn't want to be someone to take down my hero.

01:58:14.000 I think we need heroes, and I think that we need to be more supportive until we know for sure, for sure, because there ain't no charges against him.

01:58:23.000 You know, innocent until proven guilty.

01:58:27.000 Not in this day and age.

01:58:28.000 Not with social media.

01:58:29.000 You're guilty when Twitter says you're guilty.

01:58:33.000 And they never retract what they say.

01:58:37.000 They just put that on you.

01:58:38.000 That's a heavy one to carry around.

01:58:40.000 Have you ever had an incident where a woman... 1.00

01:58:42.000 I think the bigger thing here...

01:58:43.000 Never.

01:58:44.000 Well, I mean, anything.

01:58:46.000 Anything could happen.

01:58:47.000 A woman could be like, oh, I told him no. 1.00

01:58:49.000 I keep my drawers on.

01:58:52.000 You never had a baby pinned on you?

01:58:55.000 Never.

01:58:56.000 I mean, a blank man can get some...

01:59:04.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

01:59:08.000 The thing that people I think they struggle with too with this whole Cosby story is that like when he said hero he was a hero to so many people that that's that's the part that they Because they can't wrap their head around this was like... 0.99

01:59:22.000 If your hero's a piece of shit, though, don't you want a new hero? 1.00

01:59:25.000 Yeah, but I think it's so beat in, like, the hero thing is so deep in their mind, they don't want to believe that the hero's a piece of shit. 1.00

01:59:32.000 There's a problem also that there's people that are really bad people, That do really good things as well. 0.99

01:59:38.000 Oh, right.

01:59:40.000 There's people that are inconsistent. 0.96

01:59:42.000 I mean, they do great things, like he might be a great comic, but also be a rapist. 0.97

01:59:47.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:59:47.000 He might be really drugging women and raping them as well as being really funny. 1.00

01:59:50.000 That might be his demon. 1.00

01:59:52.000 Because, like, almost every comic has some sort of a demon, whether it's an Anger demon or a drug demon or a violence demon or a gambling demon or, you know, whatever the fuck the demon is. 0.99

02:00:03.000 His demon might very well be he likes to drug people. 0.97

02:00:06.000 He likes to have that ultimate power.

02:00:09.000 And, you know, the other knock on Bill Cosby has always been that he's a massive elitist, where he believes he's much better than everybody else.

02:00:17.000 That has always been the knock on him.

02:00:19.000 And to the point where I worked at a casino where he wanted people to tuck him in bed at night.

02:00:26.000 He wanted the security guard to tuck him in bed.

02:00:30.000 Like literally.

02:00:32.000 Really?

02:00:32.000 Yep.

02:00:33.000 Yep.

02:00:33.000 He likes to be tucked in bed.

02:00:35.000 He wanted people to sit down and watch him.

02:00:38.000 They wanted all the staff that was working in the theater to watch him eat curry.

02:00:43.000 This is not something that I'm the only one who's heard this to.

02:00:46.000 I've read this online, too.

02:00:48.000 That he likes the people that work there to sit down with him while he eats.

02:00:53.000 And they don't talk to him.

02:00:55.000 You work at the venue where they told you this?

02:00:57.000 Yes.

02:00:57.000 That he sits down there and he eats, and they all sit around and watch him eat.

02:01:01.000 And he wants them to do that.

02:01:03.000 A little bit of a God complex.

02:01:05.000 Whatever it is, whatever craziness that allowed him to be that guy that openly criticized people.

02:01:12.000 You ever see that time when Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some award show or something like that?

02:01:17.000 Yes! 0.99

02:01:18.000 He'd shit on her English. 1.00

02:01:19.000 He was wearing sunglasses indoors. 1.00

02:01:22.000 He had that arrogance about him.

02:01:25.000 That's the same kind of arrogance that would make you feel like you're better than other people to the point where you could just drug them. 1.00

02:01:31.000 You know, especially some young girl that you might think is stupid, and you could just drug her, like, this is a silly bitch back at my place, thinks she's not gonna give the pussy to Bill Cosby. 1.00

02:01:42.000 Plink, plink, here, drink this. 1.00

02:01:44.000 Would you like a cappuccino?

02:01:45.000 Keep you awake? 1.00

02:01:47.000 I mean, how ironic, giving him cappuccino with fucking quaaludes in it. 1.00

02:01:51.000 He's a savage. 1.00

02:01:52.000 And then that, you know, I keep hearing people, they keep saying, um, What fun is it to fuck somebody that's asleep? 1.00

02:02:00.000 It's because that's what he likes. 1.00

02:02:02.000 He likes raping people that are asleep. 0.99

02:02:06.000 It's not about hooking up because you're famous. 1.00

02:02:08.000 That's a crazy thing to say because what fun is it to rape someone who's resisting? 0.95

02:02:13.000 You're saying that that doesn't happen? 0.94

02:02:14.000 Of course it happens. 0.99

02:02:15.000 But I'm saying what Cosby likes is he likes raping passed out people. 0.99

02:02:19.000 Right. 0.99

02:02:19.000 What I'm saying is how ridiculous is anyone saying that? 0.99

02:02:22.000 Right, right. 0.98

02:02:23.000 That's so short-sighted.

02:02:24.000 I know.

02:02:24.000 It is.

02:02:25.000 What fun is it robbing people?

02:02:27.000 Yeah.

02:02:27.000 Don't you want to get your own money?

02:02:28.000 Yeah, of course, dummy.

02:02:29.000 It's the same thing.

02:02:30.000 It is.

02:02:30.000 It's such a short-sighted thing to say.

02:02:34.000 It's the type of thing that someone says when they're not talking to really intelligent, objective people on a regular basis and formulating these opinions based on real, extensive thinking.

02:02:47.000 The idea that all of them are lying seems kind of crazy.

02:02:51.000 Of course it's crazy. 1.00

02:02:53.000 It's a fucking crime. 1.00

02:02:54.000 I mean, this isn't something small. 1.00

02:02:58.000 This isn't like a guy who, you know, Bill Cosby stared at my wife's tits. 0.99

02:03:03.000 He's telling my wife's tits, too. 1.00

02:03:04.000 Now this is like some deep, deep, dark, demonic shit. 1.00

02:03:08.000 And then they're gonna have the blame be on Hannibal like he did. 1.00

02:03:11.000 That's crazy. 1.00

02:03:12.000 So stupid. 1.00

02:03:13.000 Also, them saying that Hannibal got that show just because Hannibal was hot already. 1.00

02:03:17.000 Hot as shit. 0.97

02:03:18.000 Which is why people are coming to see his show in a theater. 0.99

02:03:21.000 It's a theater show.

02:03:22.000 Yeah, while he was talking about Bill Cosby.

02:03:24.000 Yeah, of course.

02:03:24.000 So this is not a small thing.

02:03:26.000 No, no, no. 0.99

02:03:26.000 And Hannibal's argument was about that Bill Cosby always shits on people for using bad language, which is fucking true. 0.99

02:03:32.000 It was the whole thing we were talking about of how he was lecturing young black people. 0.99

02:03:36.000 Exactly. 1.00

02:03:36.000 And Hannibal's like, well, at least I'm a fucking rapist. 1.00

02:03:39.000 Put that fucking phone down, Tommy. 1.00

02:03:40.000 Flip it over. 1.00

02:03:41.000 I see what you're doing.

02:03:42.000 I see what you can't help yourself.

02:03:43.000 You can't help yourself.

02:03:44.000 I shut my computer for you.

02:03:46.000 Thank you.

02:03:47.000 I just don't want to influence you in any way.

02:03:50.000 Thank you.

02:03:50.000 It's hard, right?

02:03:51.000 It's kind of hard. 1.00

02:03:52.000 I think that the guy is a sick fuck. 1.00

02:03:55.000 That's what I think. 1.00

02:03:56.000 I think undeniably he's a sick fuck. 1.00

02:03:59.000 How sick of a fuck he is, how evil he is, the only people that know are him and the people that he did that to. 1.00

02:04:06.000 It's the best profile ever for somebody that wants to do that. 1.00

02:04:11.000 If you take away what you know of him as a performer and the celebrity, and you just imagine somebody that wants to do that, and then they build a reputation of being someone you can trust.

02:04:25.000 Impeccable.

02:04:26.000 Impeccable.

02:04:26.000 I mean, he had the best reputation ever.

02:04:29.000 You know, it's like when you have the Sandusky guy, the coach, that had a charity that was for kids.

02:04:38.000 And he was like, I'm taking care of these kids that are, you know, left behind. 0.97

02:04:43.000 And then he was raping those kids. 0.78

02:04:45.000 But people that were... 0.97

02:04:46.000 People that even knew him that were on the board of that were like, he's the best guy.

02:04:50.000 Do you know that that is apparently very common?

02:04:53.000 That one of the things that evil people will do is they'll start a charity and then like really harp on that charity.

02:04:59.000 You talk about that charity all the time.

02:05:02.000 So evil.

02:05:02.000 And they become almost beyond reproach because of the fact they're doing such good work.

02:05:09.000 Right.

02:05:09.000 Like one of the things Lance Armstrong used to always bring up is how much money he was generating for cancer research.

02:05:14.000 Of course.

02:05:15.000 We've generated all this money.

02:05:19.000 It's a distraction.

02:05:20.000 Instead of saying, like, hey, no, I'm not doing any steroids.

02:05:26.000 No one's doing steroids, which he did say a few times.

02:05:28.000 Yeah.

02:05:28.000 Or he would, like, immediately go to that thing about, like, how much money we're making with Livestrong.

02:05:35.000 And it was people's defense for him all the time.

02:05:37.000 Yeah.

02:05:38.000 When I criticized him on this show, I got lit up by people.

02:05:41.000 This was before he came.

02:05:43.000 And they were like, has he ever failed a test?

02:05:44.000 Like, his whole thing, I've never failed a test.

02:05:46.000 And do you realize the amount of money being funneled into cancer research?

02:05:49.000 Like, that excuses... 0.99

02:05:51.000 It's all fucked up. 0.99

02:05:53.000 I had Jeff Nowitzki on, the guy who busted him. 0.99

02:05:55.000 And, uh...

02:05:58.000 After he was on, Lance contacted me.

02:06:02.000 And I had a conversation with him on the phone.

02:06:04.000 Lance Armstrong contacted you?

02:06:06.000 Yeah, he may or may not do the podcast because he wants to tell his story.

02:06:09.000 I think, if I look at his point of view, I think...

02:06:13.000 He was in a sport where Everybody was doing drugs right and I think there's a moment when you Have these ideals like what you're trying to do as a competitor and then you get to the big leagues and you realize Like you get into that NFL locker room when you find out why people are 350 pounds of solid muscle Yeah.

02:06:33.000 You're like, oh, oh, I get it.

02:06:35.000 Like, I have a buddy who played, I don't want to say what college he played for, but he played college for, um, he played football. 0.99

02:06:42.000 He's a big fucking dude. 0.94

02:06:43.000 And he played with a bunch of guys who are in the NFL now. 0.99

02:06:45.000 And he had some injuries and he stopped playing.

02:06:48.000 He said that when he got to college, he goes, there was this attitude that you only have a few years.

02:06:55.000 You have a couple years to make an impression. 0.96

02:06:58.000 And he said the fucking sophistication of the drug use that he saw when he was in college at a big, big time college football team. 1.00

02:07:07.000 He goes, it was fucking crazy. 0.99

02:07:09.000 He goes, it was crazy and it was widespread and it was from the top down. 0.99

02:07:14.000 Everybody knew what the fuck was going on, and there was an established protocol, and they would tell you, hey, buddy, you're going to get tested on Friday. 0.98

02:07:20.000 So on Friday, come in, and you're going to have to take your test. 0.99

02:07:24.000 And he said when he would get tested, they would say, okay, here's your cup, so go in there, do your urine sample, and then come out and bring it to me.

02:07:34.000 Like, there was no one there while he did it.

02:07:36.000 No one watched. 1.00

02:07:37.000 They didn't tell if he had a rubber dick. 1.00

02:07:39.000 They didn't tell if he had a guy in there waiting for him, pissing it for him. 1.00

02:07:43.000 He goes, I could have had my cousin pissing a thing for me. 0.99

02:07:45.000 People would piss in bags, and they would take that bag and strap it to their body, so it would keep it body temperature, and then put it under your clothes, and then you would get into the bathroom, and you'd open up that bag and pour the contents into the thing.

02:07:58.000 Sure.

02:07:58.000 So you'd have someone else's piss.

02:08:00.000 He said, but they gave you all the time in the world to do it.

02:08:02.000 And he goes...

02:08:04.000 Everybody.

02:08:06.000 Everybody.

02:08:07.000 Everybody was doing steroids.

02:08:09.000 Everybody.

02:08:10.000 He goes, they weren't just doing steroids.

02:08:11.000 They were doing EPO. They were doing all these drugs to maximize your endurance.

02:08:15.000 They were doing all these recovery drugs.

02:08:17.000 He goes, they were doing everything.

02:08:19.000 Everybody's doing everything.

02:08:20.000 I believe it.

02:08:21.000 I totally believe it.

02:08:22.000 I believe it too, and I think that's what happened with Lance Armstrong. 0.99

02:08:24.000 I think this guy got into cycling, he got to the highest level of the sport, and he got to the pros, and he's like, oh shit, this is all about taking your own blood out, putting it back in your body, this is about doing EPO, this is about doing testosterone, this is about doing whatever the fuck you can do to recover so that you can compete. 0.97

02:08:41.000 And then you got the U.S. Postal Service, okay? 0.99

02:08:44.000 Which is the guys who are promoting his event, right?

02:08:48.000 He's the cyclist for the postal team.

02:08:51.000 So now he's getting sued for not just the money that they paid him for winning, because, you know, you have to sign something saying you're not on drugs, but because he was working for the government.

02:09:02.000 They say he's defrauded the government so they can sue you for three times the damages.

02:09:07.000 Jesus.

02:09:07.000 So they're suing him for $100 million right now.

02:09:11.000 Yeah.

02:09:11.000 Well, the thing about, I think, what he did, too, and why the perception is different for Lance in particular, is that the light was shining brighter because of how successful he was, and then the way that he would defend himself...

02:09:28.000 He was fucking vicious about it. 0.98

02:09:30.000 Sue people too. 1.00

02:09:32.000 Sue people and then take them down publicly.

02:09:34.000 Like he was destroying people's ability to work, make money, support their families. 0.99

02:09:40.000 So he was cold fucking blooded about defending himself, which made him basically like a bigger dick throughout the whole thing. 1.00

02:09:49.000 So not just a cheater, but a guy that was really fucking an asshole to everybody on the way. 1.00

02:09:54.000 That's why I want to hear his story. 1.00

02:09:56.000 Yeah.

02:09:56.000 I want to hear how he views it.

02:09:58.000 And I also want to hear what it was like to be the focus of attention for a fucking dirty industry. 0.99

02:10:03.000 I mean, it's a dirty business. 0.99

02:10:04.000 Did you watch the documentary?

02:10:06.000 Yeah, I did.

02:10:06.000 What was it like talking to him?

02:10:08.000 Interesting.

02:10:09.000 How long did you guys talk for a while?

02:10:10.000 Yeah.

02:10:10.000 We talked for a while on the phone.

02:10:12.000 I haven't met him in person.

02:10:13.000 I was in Austin.

02:10:13.000 I was going to invite him to my show.

02:10:15.000 But I'm like, eh, probably better just talk to him when I see him.

02:10:18.000 If and when I see him.

02:10:20.000 Just talk to him.

02:10:20.000 Is he considering doing it?

02:10:21.000 Yeah.

02:10:22.000 It's his idea.

02:10:22.000 He reached out to me.

02:10:23.000 Wow.

02:10:24.000 Yeah.

02:10:24.000 Well, listen, you're not gonna get a platform like this where you're gonna reach millions of people and you can talk for three hours and I'm gonna let you say anything you want.

02:10:32.000 I want him to express himself as openly.

02:10:37.000 Look, it's all on the table now. 0.98

02:10:38.000 They sued the shit out of him. 0.99

02:10:39.000 They took a fuckload of money from him. 0.99

02:10:41.000 They took away his ability to make a living.

02:10:43.000 He's a guy that was the poster boy For this sport. 0.96

02:10:48.000 I mean, if it wasn't for him, who gives a fuck about cycling? 0.84

02:10:52.000 You got Greg LeMond, and you got Lance Armstrong. 0.98

02:10:55.000 And that's it.

02:10:55.000 I don't know anybody else.

02:10:56.000 Do you know one other guy who cycles?

02:10:58.000 No.

02:10:59.000 I know Tony Hawk.

02:11:00.000 I don't know anybody else that skateboards.

02:11:02.000 Right. 0.99

02:11:03.000 Who the fuck else skateboard? 0.98

02:11:04.000 I'm sure there's other guys. 0.98

02:11:05.000 Yeah.

02:11:05.000 But that's the guy that's the big name guy.

02:11:07.000 You know?

02:11:08.000 I mean, there's a lot of sports that have that.

02:11:11.000 Like, women's fighting. 1.00

02:11:12.000 Everybody knows who Ronda Rousey is.

02:11:13.000 There's a million other women fighters. 1.00

02:11:14.000 Everybody knows who Ronda Rousey is.

02:11:16.000 It's so big.

02:11:17.000 She's so big now that, like, I was in a hotel on fight night when she fought last, and, like, just dudes that you know are not fans of women's athletics.

02:11:30.000 We're all, you know what I mean?

02:11:32.000 Like, they're all walking around.

02:11:33.000 Just to tell you how, like, how much she's changed things, like, they were, like, walking, looking, talking, like, the bellhop.

02:11:39.000 Where's the Rousey fight on?

02:11:40.000 I gotta go find the Rousey.

02:11:41.000 Like, I feel like that's how much it's swung, you know?

02:11:43.000 Like, she's changed it. 0.99

02:11:44.000 We're like, these fucking... 1.00

02:11:47.000 Total misogynistic pigs were still like, I need to find that Rousey fight now. 1.00

02:11:51.000 Now why would you assume just because they're dudes that they're misogynistic pigs? 1.00

02:11:54.000 I just, I'm an asshole. 1.00

02:11:56.000 Because you're a guy! 1.00

02:11:57.000 Yeah, I just looked at them and I was like, these guys are pigs. 1.00

02:12:00.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

02:12:01.000 If they like sports and they work out, they're pigs. 1.00

02:12:04.000 These guys were pigs. 0.99

02:12:04.000 These guys didn't work out. 0.99

02:12:08.000 Did you see what Beyonce did?

02:12:10.000 Beyonce did the Central Park concert.

02:12:12.000 It was a free concert, and Dana White came up to me Saturday night after the fights, and he pulls over his iPhone and he goes, watch this.

02:12:20.000 Not the flip phone?

02:12:21.000 No, he has an iPhone now. 0.98

02:12:22.000 They make him use an iPhone because he's under some investigation, so they have to be able to track all of his shit because they were getting sued. 0.99

02:12:29.000 There's a bunch of shit going on. 0.98

02:12:30.000 Anyway, he shows me this video on his iPhone. 0.99

02:12:35.000 And it's Beyonce has a free concert in Central Park and on this giant screen fucking enormous hundred-foot screen She has all Ronda Rousey's words playing out like the script of it while Ron is talking Ron is talking about not being a do-nothing bitch She's like every muscle in my body has a functional purpose right? 1.00

02:12:55.000 I'm not some do-nothing bitch sitting around waiting for some millionaire to come home and fuck me and Chick that hustle, chicks that hustle, that is like, they're like, fuck yeah! 1.00

02:13:06.000 But to all those do-nothing bitches out there, that's like, hey! 1.00

02:13:11.000 What the fuck? 1.00

02:13:12.000 I was your fan! 1.00

02:13:15.000 I mean, I want to work.

02:13:17.000 I'm trying to get lucrative, but I ain't trying to hustle that hard.

02:13:21.000 How lucrative are you willing to get?

02:13:23.000 Because I get lucrative.

02:13:24.000 I get pretty lucrative.

02:13:26.000 That's amazing.

02:13:28.000 That's amazing.

02:13:28.000 Is that a shirt next week?

02:13:30.000 I'm trying to get lucrative right now.

02:13:33.000 I retweeted Ian Edwards.

02:13:37.000 He's appearing this weekend at the Punchline. 0.97

02:13:40.000 By the way, if you're in Sacramento, he's one of the funniest fucking dudes working today. 0.99

02:13:45.000 He is so fucking funny. 0.98

02:13:46.000 Look what he wrote me after I tweeted to him. 0.92

02:13:49.000 Thanks, man.

02:13:50.000 It's going to be lucrative.

02:13:53.000 That's hilarious.

02:13:55.000 We're both laughing about it on the plane.

02:13:57.000 We couldn't stop saying it.

02:13:59.000 How lucrative do you get?

02:14:00.000 Because I get pretty lucrative.

02:14:01.000 That's hilarious.

02:14:04.000 Do you get lucrative?

02:14:07.000 What?

02:14:07.000 When I was in Montreal, I think I told you this, I did a show every night, an hour show every night.

02:14:12.000 Right.

02:14:13.000 So I would just ask, I asked Tony to come by and just do an opening set, you know?

02:14:17.000 Right. 0.93

02:14:18.000 Dude, Ian fucking floored the place. 1.00

02:14:21.000 He's a monster. 1.00

02:14:22.000 Yeah, he floored it. 0.99

02:14:23.000 And he's only doing that now.

02:14:25.000 I mean, he's doing some writing, but he's really concentrating on that.

02:14:28.000 But see, and that's how you get really good.

02:14:30.000 We had a conversation about it, man. 0.96

02:14:31.000 I told him, I said, dude, I think you're one of the best goddamn comics in the world. 0.74

02:14:36.000 I think you're one of the best comics on the planet Earth. 0.88

02:14:38.000 And people don't know about you.

02:14:40.000 I go, the difference between your skill level, your ability, and what people know is so vast.

02:14:45.000 And it's because he's been writing so much.

02:14:47.000 Writing on all these sitcoms.

02:14:49.000 He's good at that.

02:14:50.000 He's very good at that.

02:14:52.000 He's best at stand-up.

02:14:54.000 Yeah.

02:14:54.000 His stand-up.

02:14:55.000 He's a monster.

02:14:56.000 And he's such a unique original voice. 0.70

02:14:59.000 Yeah.

02:14:59.000 No one reminds me of him.

02:15:02.000 He's really a unique talent.

02:15:04.000 And he's such a good dude.

02:15:05.000 Yeah.

02:15:05.000 I've been friends with him for like 24 years, 23 years.

02:15:09.000 He's got that fucking non-aging black eye thing where I'm like, what are you- He won't tell me how old he is. 0.98

02:15:16.000 I was in New York at a club, I forget which club I was in, and he had a fucking headshot on there that looked 25 years old, and he had dreads in it. 1.00

02:15:27.000 I was like, how old is this shit, man? 1.00

02:15:29.000 How old is he? 1.00

02:15:31.000 He's a vampire, bro. 0.51

02:15:32.000 Yeah, he's a vampire. 0.98

02:15:33.000 He sleeps upside down.

02:15:34.000 Let me see how old he is.

02:15:36.000 We'll find out.

02:15:37.000 Really?

02:15:38.000 I'm going to find out right now. 1.00

02:15:38.000 I'm going to Wikipedia the fuck out of that shit. 1.00

02:15:40.000 But it's probably not on there, right? 1.00

02:15:41.000 It says he's only 43. It says he's born February 11th, 1972, 43. Okay, that's bullshit.

02:15:49.000 Unless he was 15 when I met him. 0.99

02:15:52.000 Nah, yeah.

02:15:53.000 That's a lie, Ian.

02:15:54.000 How dare you?

02:15:56.000 But he might.

02:15:57.000 That might be true.

02:15:58.000 He won't tell you, though.

02:15:59.000 If you ask him, he won't tell you.

02:16:01.000 The stripper that we were talking to, she wouldn't tell us either. 1.00

02:16:04.000 I go, how old are you?

02:16:05.000 I go, I'm 48. How old are you?

02:16:10.000 I'm like, come on.

02:16:12.000 A lady never tells her age. 1.00

02:16:14.000 I'm like, yeah, they do when they're 20. Yeah, exactly.

02:16:18.000 I'm almost 21. I'm so old.

02:16:21.000 I can't believe I'm almost 21. Now I don't ever not get sir.

02:16:28.000 I used to not get sir that much.

02:16:30.000 You got gray in your beard, son.

02:16:32.000 Yeah, I know.

02:16:32.000 I'm sir.

02:16:33.000 You got that fucking beard. 1.00

02:16:34.000 That man's beard. 1.00

02:16:35.000 Sorry, sir.

02:16:35.000 We'll be with you in a minute, sir.

02:16:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:16:37.000 You got a fucking werewolf beard. 1.00

02:16:39.000 Anybody with a big-ass gorilla beard like that? 1.00

02:16:42.000 You're a sir. 0.88

02:16:43.000 Yeah, for sure.

02:16:44.000 Absolutely. 1.00

02:16:44.000 You're a goddamn man, Tommy Bunz. 1.00

02:16:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:16:46.000 You're a man about to make a baby. 1.00

02:16:47.000 Well, you made a baby.

02:16:48.000 About to have a baby.

02:16:49.000 Yeah.

02:16:50.000 A couple months away.

02:16:50.000 How's that feel?

02:16:51.000 I'm excited, man.

02:16:52.000 I really am.

02:16:53.000 I think it's part of the reason is that I think it's because I didn't have a baby at 25, you know?

02:16:59.000 So it's like something that I waited.

02:17:02.000 Well, we waited, obviously.

02:17:03.000 And then you're more established.

02:17:05.000 I feel more financially stable and emotionally ready for it.

02:17:08.000 Yeah.

02:17:09.000 Well, it's perfect.

02:17:10.000 It's a perfect time.

02:17:11.000 I hear people go like, are you terrified?

02:17:13.000 And I'm like, no.

02:17:14.000 That's people that don't want any commitment in their life.

02:17:16.000 Yeah, I'm not terrified at all.

02:17:18.000 Those guys probably don't even have girlfriends though, right?

02:17:20.000 Yeah, I guess so.

02:17:21.000 I never thought about it.

02:17:22.000 But I'm like, no, I'm excited for it.

02:17:24.000 I'm not terrified.

02:17:25.000 There's people that can't imagine anybody living other than the way they live.

02:17:28.000 Right.

02:17:29.000 You know?

02:17:30.000 But you get that from all sides.

02:17:32.000 I hear people go, are you ready for your life to be over?

02:17:35.000 Who said that to you? 0.64

02:17:37.000 Cut them off, whoever they are. 0.99

02:17:39.000 Right life to be over. 0.99

02:17:41.000 You know what's equally annoying though?

02:17:43.000 And I gotta say, I really found this very annoying when I was single and I didn't have kids.

02:17:47.000 It really bugged the shit out of me that people would tell me that you have to have kids in order to be like a mature adult.

02:17:53.000 Like, when are you gonna settle down and have kids? 0.98

02:17:55.000 When are you gonna, when are you gonna, like, guys that I knew that had kids that were fucking miserable, and by the way, everyone who told me this to a man, everyone is divorced. 0.97

02:18:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:18:07.000 Every single one, every single one that told me to get married and have children is fucking divorced. 0.99

02:18:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:18:13.000 Every one of them.

02:18:14.000 I mean, like, seven, eight, nine guys.

02:18:17.000 Yeah, I've never believed that, and I've certainly never lectured anybody. 1.00

02:18:22.000 That's sanctimonious shit. 0.99

02:18:23.000 Telling people to live their lives the way you're living your life is the only way you can do it. 1.00

02:18:28.000 Yeah, it's like, everybody's got a...

02:18:29.000 People are weird, man.

02:18:31.000 Some people, they just want to...

02:18:33.000 Like, I have a friend, my friend Steve Maxwell, he doesn't have a place to live.

02:18:36.000 He just travels.

02:18:37.000 He goes from town to town.

02:18:39.000 He's a really famous, as far as that world, strength and conditioning coach and, like, a personal trainer.

02:18:47.000 And he goes all over the world.

02:18:48.000 You'll see his Instagram.

02:18:50.000 He's in Fiji sometimes.

02:18:52.000 Just training people?

02:18:53.000 Training people.

02:18:53.000 He'll put together these little small seminars.

02:18:56.000 These small groups of people.

02:18:57.000 We'll meet them every week.

02:18:58.000 They'll say, okay, they have some things set up where 10 people will meet in this one place, and then he's going to coach them for five or six days.

02:19:07.000 So they have a getaway, and he puts these together.

02:19:10.000 And then gyms will have him come in, and he'll teach seminars at their gyms.

02:19:13.000 He just lives out of a bag.

02:19:15.000 I couldn't live like that.

02:19:17.000 But he can.

02:19:18.000 Right, but I would never lecture that guy either.

02:19:20.000 I wouldn't like it, but he can do it.

02:19:22.000 Tom Rhodes! 1.00

02:19:23.000 Tom Rhodes has a fucking apartment now in Los Angeles. 1.00

02:19:27.000 He does? 1.00

02:19:27.000 Yes! 1.00

02:19:27.000 When did he get it? 1.00

02:19:28.000 Decided really recently.

02:19:29.000 He said, I'm done.

02:19:30.000 I'm done.

02:19:31.000 I'm going to stay here.

02:19:33.000 At the store, he was hanging around the store.

02:19:35.000 You know that secret comics bar?

02:19:37.000 The little comics bar?

02:19:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:19:38.000 In the back?

02:19:39.000 Yeah.

02:19:39.000 There were only comics allowed to go there and hang out there and comics friends.

02:19:43.000 We were hanging around back there and he was like, dude, I got an apartment.

02:19:46.000 I go, what?

02:19:47.000 I go, how long were you a renegade for?

02:19:49.000 He goes, like, ten years.

02:19:50.000 For ten years.

02:19:51.000 He came to my place last year and didn't have it, so I know it's got to be recent.

02:19:54.000 He was staying in people's places.

02:19:56.000 He was staying in hotels.

02:19:58.000 I love that guy.

02:19:58.000 He's a great guy.

02:19:59.000 He's a great guy.

02:19:59.000 A great dude.

02:20:00.000 Yeah, and he also is one of those guys that's a...

02:20:04.000 He's a world-traveling comic.

02:20:06.000 Oh, yeah.

02:20:07.000 You know, he's done...

02:20:08.000 Singapore one week, Holland the next week.

02:20:09.000 And has done...

02:20:11.000 That kind of thing forever.

02:20:13.000 Forever.

02:20:14.000 Yeah, I mean, he's been doing stand-up for 25 years.

02:20:16.000 At least, yeah.

02:20:17.000 And out of those 25 years, he's been touring around the world for 15. Yeah, at least, yeah.

02:20:22.000 At least.

02:20:22.000 He used to have a show in Holland where it was...

02:20:26.000 A late-night show.

02:20:27.000 It was a late-night show.

02:20:28.000 It was like a big-time show.

02:20:29.000 Yeah.

02:20:30.000 And it was the something-something show, like some other guy's name...

02:20:33.000 Starring Tom Rhodes.

02:20:34.000 It was like the like say if you like instead of like the Tom Segura show was like the Jamie Vernon show starring Tom Segura and like It was real weird.

02:20:44.000 Yeah, and he was I heard that you know, he was like their letterman.

02:20:47.000 Yeah, he did that for quite a while.

02:20:50.000 Yeah, he's uh, but he's he's decided now he wants to Live in an apartment.

02:20:57.000 Yeah, and he's had a wife for a while too.

02:21:00.000 Yeah, he travels with his wife.

02:21:01.000 She's great.

02:21:01.000 Yeah, she's great Yeah, he enjoyed that life.

02:21:05.000 You can live any way you want, man.

02:21:07.000 Argentino.

02:21:07.000 I think his mother's Argentine.

02:21:09.000 Argentino.

02:21:10.000 Argentino.

02:21:10.000 Everybody's got their own thing, man.

02:21:12.000 For some people, having a kid is the worst fucking idea on the planet. 0.99

02:21:15.000 I get that. 0.99

02:21:15.000 I totally understand that. 0.99

02:21:17.000 Yeah.

02:21:17.000 I think those are the people that are telling me.

02:21:19.000 Are you out of your mind?

02:21:20.000 But there's a weird thing, man, when people are like, listen, dude, when are you going to settle down now?

02:21:24.000 You need to have a kid.

02:21:25.000 Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

02:21:28.000 Listen, it's easy for you to say.

02:21:30.000 You're not a man until you have a kid.

02:21:31.000 You're not mature. 0.96

02:21:33.000 I think it's really obnoxious and gross to assume that Everyone would want that, even at any point.

02:21:42.000 I think that it's totally legit that somebody's 50, 60, 70 years old, never had kids, and is totally fulfilled and happy.

02:21:48.000 Absolutely.

02:21:49.000 Why wouldn't they be?

02:21:50.000 You tell me you can't contribute unless you make another human being? 0.98

02:21:52.000 Yeah, that's silly. 0.99

02:21:53.000 That's silly. 0.88

02:21:54.000 I mean, what is your contribution in life? 0.88

02:21:55.000 Your contribution in life is how you affect other people.

02:21:58.000 Whether you influence them in a positive way, whether they think about you with love, they think about you with happiness, the people that you've interacted with personally, the people that you know, that's what your legacy is. 0.99

02:22:09.000 And if you're a guy who thinks that having a kid is the end-all be-all, but then your kid turns out to be fucked up, Well, what did you do, dummy? 0.99

02:22:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:22:18.000 You ruined your kid.

02:22:19.000 That was your contribution. 1.00

02:22:20.000 Your contribution and you fucked it up. 0.99

02:22:21.000 And you had one big project and you fucked it up. 0.99

02:22:24.000 Yep. 1.00

02:22:25.000 You're sitting there drawing dicks. 0.98

02:22:26.000 No, that's an old drawing. 0.98

02:22:29.000 But it's yours.

02:22:30.000 It's only an hour old.

02:22:33.000 Yeah, that's true. 0.99

02:22:33.000 But we were talking about the world's biggest dick, so I was inspired. 0.99

02:22:38.000 You felt compelled. 0.99

02:22:40.000 Are you going to keep doing that once you have kids, Tommy?

02:22:42.000 I think so, but I'll just call them something else. 0.99

02:22:45.000 You're going to influence your kid by drawing dicks. 0.98

02:22:47.000 I'm going to have a real tough time with being mature, I feel like. 0.99

02:22:51.000 Well, I don't think you have to be.

02:22:52.000 Yeah, well, I'll be very...

02:22:54.000 We already have a system in place where we're trying to... 0.96

02:22:56.000 We're going to do burps are one thumbs up, but farts are two thumbs up because farts are fucking awesome. 0.94

02:23:03.000 What do you mean? 0.95

02:23:04.000 Like, whenever anyone farts around the kid, I'm going to go two thumbs up.

02:23:07.000 So you and your wife just rip them in front of each other? 0.99

02:23:09.000 Yeah, sure.

02:23:12.000 But my belches have been getting stronger.

02:23:14.000 They're better now.

02:23:15.000 You're working on them?

02:23:15.000 Yeah, I think so.

02:23:16.000 I don't know.

02:23:17.000 Will you change your diet?

02:23:18.000 More probiotics?

02:23:19.000 Yeah, I just feel like I'm having them come up from the diaphragm now, and they're just more powerful.

02:23:24.000 Have you always farted in front of your girlfriends?

02:23:27.000 Not right away, but yeah, eventually.

02:23:31.000 How long do you usually wait?

02:23:32.000 How many dates in?

02:23:33.000 Oh, it's a while.

02:23:34.000 I mean, I make sure I'm in there.

02:23:35.000 I'm getting in there pretty often, and then I do it. 0.99

02:23:37.000 Make sure you're fucked up. 1.00

02:23:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:23:39.000 A while.

02:23:40.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:23:41.000 And it's like, this is a regular thing. 1.00

02:23:42.000 Here come the fucks. 0.99

02:23:44.000 Did I ever tell you about the first time I farted in front of her? 1.00

02:23:46.000 No.

02:23:47.000 This is bold.

02:23:48.000 This is bold, man.

02:23:49.000 We've been dating for a little while, probably like, I don't know, five, six months or something, and...

02:23:54.000 I'm at her place.

02:23:55.000 It's a Saturday morning.

02:23:56.000 I still remember.

02:23:57.000 I'm watching college football, and I think she was making breakfast or something.

02:24:03.000 Perfect life.

02:24:03.000 It's a great life.

02:24:04.000 I'm sitting on her couch. 1.00

02:24:05.000 Just had sex. 1.00

02:24:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:24:06.000 I'm sitting on her couch wearing boxers, watching TV, and she comes, and she sat next to me, and I felt a fart coming, and I grabbed her arm, and I took her hand, and I put it between my legs, and I farted on her hand for the first fart ever.

02:24:21.000 And I just remember her going like, oh my god. 0.96

02:24:24.000 And she goes, it smells like garbage. 0.99

02:24:26.000 It smells like garbage. 1.00

02:24:27.000 She kept saying that and she was like, what the fuck? 1.00

02:24:29.000 And later, like now she told me, do you realize how crazy that was? 0.99

02:24:34.000 And I was like, yeah, I didn't realize it at the time. 0.99

02:24:37.000 If I was who I am now, I would have fucking cut you off right then and there. 0.99

02:24:41.000 Really? 0.99

02:24:42.000 She says that like, she's like, clearly I was not in a good place.

02:24:46.000 To stay with a guy that farted on my hand.

02:24:49.000 But it was funny, right?

02:24:50.000 It was really funny, yeah.

02:24:51.000 But why would she not?

02:24:52.000 I think she was joking in a way, but she was just like, for a first fart to be on someone's hand is pretty...

02:25:00.000 But it worked out, though.

02:25:02.000 It worked out, yeah.

02:25:03.000 Well, you knew she was the one.

02:25:04.000 I knew, I knew.

02:25:05.000 That was essentially my proposal.

02:25:07.000 When did she fart in front of you first? 0.93

02:25:09.000 Immediately afterwards?

02:25:10.000 I actually don't remember her first one, but I'm getting a lot of them now.

02:25:13.000 It's made up for it. 0.98

02:25:14.000 So she's been ripping some pregnancy farts that are fucking powerful, man. 0.99

02:25:19.000 Does that bum you out? 0.99

02:25:20.000 No.

02:25:21.000 Never?

02:25:22.000 Because the thing is, I'm not somebody that's ever been like, ooh, fart.

02:25:27.000 It just doesn't have that effect on me.

02:25:28.000 Is she the first girl that's ever farted in front of you?

02:25:30.000 No.

02:25:31.000 God, no.

02:25:34.000 So you just attract that kind of gal. 0.99

02:25:36.000 I mean, like, I've been with girls that didn't, obviously, but yeah, no.

02:25:40.000 If I dated you for a while, you fart.

02:25:42.000 It's okay.

02:25:43.000 No, when you date girls for a while, how do you know when it's time to unleash the hounds?

02:25:49.000 I mean...

02:25:50.000 It's different with every time, man.

02:25:51.000 It is.

02:25:51.000 It's different.

02:25:52.000 You gotta feel it out.

02:25:53.000 But it's like...

02:25:54.000 I think it's...

02:25:55.000 Are you still in the, like, I'm trying to make an impression phase?

02:25:58.000 Or have you settled into, like...

02:26:01.000 Who you are.

02:26:02.000 Who you are, yeah.

02:26:03.000 That's hard, right? 0.97

02:26:04.000 Do you not fart in front of your wife?

02:26:06.000 If she accidentally walks in after I farted, I claim it.

02:26:09.000 Yeah.

02:26:10.000 And does she fart in front of you? 0.97

02:26:11.000 She has.

02:26:12.000 She has.

02:26:13.000 More than once.

02:26:13.000 But let's say you're laying in bed.

02:26:15.000 She won't, like, grab her ankles.

02:26:19.000 And you go, here we go!

02:26:20.000 Boom! 1.00

02:26:22.000 I do some really obnoxious shit. 1.00

02:26:24.000 Really obnoxious, yeah. 0.99

02:26:25.000 But, like, if you're laying in bed tonight, and you're, whatever, winding down, and you feel a fart come, do you get up and walk out?

02:26:32.000 I try to be polite.

02:26:33.000 You do?

02:26:33.000 Yeah.

02:26:33.000 Or do you just kind of let it sneak out or something?

02:26:35.000 I only fart in front of my friends.

02:26:36.000 Like that.

02:26:37.000 So what would you do, though?

02:26:38.000 Would you leave the room?

02:26:40.000 Uh, yeah.

02:26:41.000 Most likely.

02:26:42.000 Wow.

02:26:42.000 Or hold it in.

02:26:43.000 Wow!

02:26:44.000 Really? 0.97

02:26:46.000 Common courtesy is ridiculous to Tommy Barnes. 0.60

02:26:49.000 Well, I mean, it's just that... 0.99

02:26:50.000 Well, most people don't want to smell their husband's farts.

02:26:52.000 I know, but I... And plus, if I thought in any way it would keep her from blowing me... 1.00

02:26:55.000 Yeah, then, yeah, yeah.

02:26:57.000 Well, I guess, yeah, I hear you.

02:26:59.000 I'll get it that way.

02:27:00.000 Yeah.

02:27:01.000 I'll hold my farts. 1.00

02:27:02.000 I'll hold my farts during sex. 1.00

02:27:04.000 Do you? 1.00

02:27:05.000 Sure.

02:27:05.000 That's good.

02:27:06.000 Yeah.

02:27:06.000 That's good.

02:27:07.000 But sometimes post-coital, they come out.

02:27:10.000 A friend of mine was a cameraman.

02:27:12.000 He was a cameraman on...

02:27:15.000 He was a cameraman on a TV show that I was on, but he had also done some camera work on porn when he was starting out to make money. 1.00

02:27:23.000 And he said there was this one guy, like this big bulky bodybuilder guy, who just would rip the most disgusting farts while he's fucking these girls. 1.00

02:27:31.000 While he's fucking? 1.00

02:27:32.000 While he's fucking them. 1.00

02:27:32.000 Because he just ate a lot of protein. 1.00

02:27:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:27:35.000 Those protein farts. 0.99

02:27:36.000 Unload these farts and these poor girls and they look they have to work yeah cuz like like when you I guess when you're a guy and you're a porn star and he was this big muscular black guy I guess first of all There's this thing where it's not matter of whether or not you're gonna have sex Yeah. 1.00

02:27:54.000 Like, these girls are getting paid to have sex with you on camera. 1.00

02:27:58.000 It's not whether or not they're gonna want to do certain sexy things, whether they're gonna like it or not like it.

02:28:02.000 That's out the window.

02:28:03.000 Now it's, you're gonna come, I'm gonna come in your face.

02:28:06.000 You're gonna come in their face. 1.00

02:28:07.000 I'm gonna put it in your ass. 1.00

02:28:09.000 Like, we already worked this out. 1.00

02:28:10.000 Right.

02:28:10.000 It's in the contract.

02:28:11.000 I'm putting it in your ass. 1.00

02:28:12.000 We're going ass to mouth. 1.00

02:28:13.000 I'm gonna come in your face. 1.00

02:28:14.000 You're gonna suck my balls. 1.00

02:28:15.000 I'm gonna jerk off in your hair. 1.00

02:28:16.000 Like, it's all worked out. 0.99

02:28:17.000 Yeah.

02:28:18.000 So, like...

02:28:18.000 And you're gonna smile afterwards, too.

02:28:19.000 There's no, like...

02:28:21.000 There's, there's, like...

02:28:22.000 There's no romance to it.

02:28:25.000 There's no speculation.

02:28:29.000 Definitely no intimacy.

02:28:30.000 Because whatever you're doing, you're doing in front of a gang of people.

02:28:34.000 There's a boom mic hanging over the bed.

02:28:36.000 There's cameramen.

02:28:37.000 There's a craft service table that you've been hitting up.

02:28:41.000 And I guess he's like, I don't have to impress anybody.

02:28:44.000 I'm just going to fart. 0.98

02:28:46.000 During sex is my line. 0.97

02:28:48.000 I've never done that. 0.93

02:28:50.000 I've never done that, man.

02:28:51.000 Some people don't have a problem with that, though.

02:28:52.000 I have a friend that also was a camera guy for porns, and not anymore, but he told me, like, he's like, I go, what's, like, the grossest thing?

02:29:02.000 And he goes, the grossest thing by far are the smells. 1.00

02:29:05.000 Because he's like, you know, you're, like, I would come, like, underneath and be, like, kind of positioned under a guy's ass and balls. 1.00

02:29:12.000 Oh, God. 0.99

02:29:13.000 And he's slapped, you know, for that underneath shot, and he's like, Just all their smells, I'm just like, just inhaling them.

02:29:20.000 And then someone will be like, yeah, get another shot of that.

02:29:22.000 And you go back down there.

02:29:23.000 Like the worst part is that just smelling stuff.

02:29:26.000 Oh, God.

02:29:27.000 Yeah, it's pretty horrendous.

02:29:28.000 I wonder what happens if someone has a yeast infection and it just stinks.

02:29:33.000 Do they just have to man up?

02:29:35.000 I think they probably go until someone's like, I'm going to puke.

02:29:39.000 Or the guy's like, it won't get hard if I'm smelling this.

02:29:44.000 Oh, God.

02:29:46.000 That's a smell.

02:29:49.000 That yeast infection smell is nature's alarm signal.

02:29:52.000 It is, yeah.

02:29:55.000 Let's talk about, I know, your favorite topic.

02:29:57.000 Ohio State, Virginia Tech.

02:29:58.000 What?

02:29:59.000 Kicking off.

02:30:00.000 What are you talking about?

02:30:01.000 College football.

02:30:02.000 Oh.

02:30:02.000 Big game.

02:30:03.000 Oh, you're talking because Jamie's here.

02:30:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:30:05.000 He's got a stupid fucking hat on. 1.00

02:30:06.000 He's like, he's all excited. 1.00

02:30:07.000 There he is.

02:30:08.000 No, no, [... 1.00

02:30:09.000 Don't turn that mic on, you fuck. 1.00

02:30:11.000 No, it's just exciting, that's all. 1.00

02:30:13.000 What's excited about you?

02:30:15.000 Me?

02:30:15.000 I feel the same way about college football that you do about fights.

02:30:19.000 Impossible.

02:30:20.000 I really do.

02:30:21.000 Doesn't even make sense.

02:30:22.000 Why?

02:30:22.000 Because I get paid to talk about fights.

02:30:23.000 I'm a huge guy on ESPN. You've never seen me.

02:30:26.000 I didn't know.

02:30:27.000 Would you do that if they offered you that gig?

02:30:29.000 100%.

02:30:30.000 Really?

02:30:30.000 Yeah.

02:30:30.000 Would you be good at it?

02:30:32.000 I feel like I could do like the roundtable stuff right now.

02:30:35.000 I couldn't do like the commentating.

02:30:37.000 Could you do like what Dennis Miller used to do where he'd come in, you know, that's like...

02:30:41.000 That's horrible.

02:30:42.000 That's horrible.

02:30:43.000 I hate that role.

02:30:45.000 I like a two-man commentating booth for football.

02:30:49.000 I like your play by, your color guy comment, you know.

02:30:51.000 Right.

02:30:51.000 I like that setup of like somebody's telling you what's happening and the, you know, the analyst.

02:30:57.000 Once you really get into it and you see a really good analyst, In football, you really appreciate the way they're highlighting things for you.

02:31:06.000 It's like what you do when you explain what just happened.

02:31:10.000 The layperson just goes like, that guy's good. 0.98

02:31:13.000 Or like, he fucked him up. 0.91

02:31:15.000 When you explain how it happens, I love that. 0.82

02:31:19.000 I think Kirk Herbstreet, who's an Ohio State guy, is the best at it.

02:31:24.000 You saw basically a past...

02:31:39.000 I like college football the most.

02:31:48.000 Why do you like college the most?

02:31:49.000 I don't know, man.

02:31:50.000 I think it's because I like I like the tradition.

02:31:54.000 I like the rivalries.

02:31:55.000 They feel more genuine.

02:31:57.000 They feel like there's genuine hatred between teams.

02:32:02.000 We're talking like 100-year-old programs. 0.98

02:32:05.000 They've had a football team since sometimes 1898 and shit like that. 0.93

02:32:12.000 It's been there that long. 0.93

02:32:13.000 There's just a passion about it.

02:32:15.000 I don't know.

02:32:15.000 I love being around it.

02:32:17.000 I love seeing the games.

02:32:19.000 That's crazy.

02:32:21.000 You've always been like this?

02:32:22.000 Is this something you've always been excited about college football, or is this something you've developed?

02:32:25.000 Since I was a kid.

02:32:26.000 Really?

02:32:27.000 What gets me about college versus pro is that you have to follow all these young students that are playing football, right?

02:32:36.000 You have to know who they are.

02:32:38.000 You mean like if you're going to be like a super fan of the game?

02:32:40.000 Yeah, I mean every year they're turning over, right?

02:32:42.000 Oh, yeah, that's true.

02:32:44.000 You only have like three years.

02:32:45.000 Possibly, yeah, yeah.

02:32:46.000 Four years max, and then they're gone, and you have new guys in.

02:32:50.000 And I can tell my level of...

02:32:54.000 Because sometimes there's certain years, or a certain number of years, where I'll have a more laid-back fandom to it, where I don't really know the details.

02:33:06.000 But you know a bunch of people.

02:33:09.000 Yeah, I will, but I think this year I've been super busy.

02:33:13.000 I didn't pay as much attention, definitely, to recruiting classes and stuff that I've paid attention to before.

02:33:21.000 But why college over NFL? You know, I mean...

02:33:27.000 The stuff that I talked about, the passion stuff, I feel like it's more genuine.

02:33:34.000 There's a real passion for the game.

02:33:37.000 Part of it is because probably a lot of those kids are trying to make it to the NFL. Oh, for sure, right?

02:33:41.000 Yeah, they're fucking killing themselves to make it. 0.97

02:33:45.000 Like I said, the rivalries feel more authentically genuine and real. 0.98

02:33:54.000 Ohio State, Michigan, You know, Florida State, Miami, Georgia, Florida.

02:34:00.000 Those kinds of games are just...

02:34:01.000 UCLA, now I guess it would be UCLA-USC or USC-Stanford the last few years.

02:34:08.000 So you root for your college team that you went to school? 0.98

02:34:11.000 No, my school is a fucking tiny D2 school. 0.94

02:34:14.000 There's just programs that you grew up watching that you just kind of gravitate towards. 0.98

02:34:19.000 This is so alien to me.

02:34:20.000 Really?

02:34:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:34:21.000 It's so fun to me.

02:34:22.000 I don't know what it is, man.

02:34:23.000 I just love it.

02:34:25.000 I love the...

02:34:26.000 I love the environment, you know?

02:34:27.000 I love it.

02:34:28.000 I hear people talking about the NFL and this Tom Brady thing that people won't stop talking about. 0.96

02:34:34.000 God, that really fucking got some legs and went and never stopped. 0.99

02:34:38.000 Now, he's been acquitted. 0.98

02:34:41.000 Or they just have to drop the charges?

02:34:43.000 The federal judge, throughout the suspension, basically decided that the commissioner couldn't punish him in the way that he did.

02:34:54.000 In other words, he just ruled that you don't have the right to do that in this case.

02:35:01.000 Huh.

02:35:02.000 They can do that?

02:35:03.000 They just decide that you don't have the right to suspend somebody?

02:35:07.000 I'd never seen it really go this far before.

02:35:11.000 I'm sure someone's gonna explain it better than I can, but the commissioner said, you know, you're suspended four games and you guys are fined this and that for this, what I'm accusing you of, which is deflating the footballs,

02:35:26.000 right?

02:35:27.000 And then he appealed, and then they went back and forth, and then this federal judge was going to rule whether or not the suspension could be upheld or thrown out, and he ruled that it was like that the commissioner didn't have the authority to do that.

02:35:44.000 Even though he's suspended a lot of other people before for a lot of other things, and there's never been...

02:35:51.000 I've never seen it thrown out like that before.

02:35:55.000 Now, how does that work?

02:35:56.000 Because they also took away their draft picks, right?

02:36:00.000 Yeah.

02:36:01.000 And fined them a good amount of money, too.

02:36:02.000 So do they have to pay that money back?

02:36:04.000 That's what I don't know.

02:36:06.000 People were like, well, are we going to get our drafts picked back?

02:36:08.000 Are we going to get the money back?

02:36:10.000 All those things, I think, are still up in the air.

02:36:12.000 But didn't that guy destroy his phone?

02:36:14.000 He did.

02:36:15.000 He did destroy one of his phones, yeah.

02:36:18.000 They said that one of the big things is that this doesn't prove that he didn't do anything wrong, or that he didn't do what he's being accused of.

02:36:26.000 All that the judgment is saying is that you can't suspend him for these four games.

02:36:31.000 Now, what's the benefit of having a softer ball?

02:36:35.000 It's a preference thing.

02:36:36.000 Every quarterback is different, and the...

02:36:41.000 A slightly deflated ball has an easier grip, is what some people argue.

02:36:47.000 They don't like it super full because it's really hard, and sometimes it's a harder grip.

02:36:52.000 So, a slightly, slightly deflated ball.

02:36:56.000 These guys, it's like any sport.

02:36:58.000 The basketball guy might like his...

02:37:01.000 Fresh pair of sneakers and make sure, you know, you see the guys, they put the power on them.

02:37:05.000 It's just like a personal preference thing.

02:37:07.000 So some guys like it, that full grip, and some guys like it slightly deflated.

02:37:11.000 What a massive distraction for people, though.

02:37:14.000 Oh, yeah.

02:37:14.000 How many people over the last year have been talking about deflated football?

02:37:19.000 Unbelievable.

02:37:20.000 I've never heard a single thing since corked bats.

02:37:23.000 Remember the corked bats controversy?

02:37:25.000 Yeah.

02:37:26.000 Oh yeah, sure.

02:37:27.000 Guys would drill holes in their bat and put cork in the center of their bat because apparently it gives more spring to the ball and you would get more distance out of home runs.

02:37:37.000 Yeah.

02:37:38.000 That's the last time I remember something being like, I don't remember who it was, but there was some famous player who broke a bat and then the bat had cork in it.

02:37:46.000 Yeah, I remember.

02:37:47.000 And everybody was like, outrageous.

02:37:49.000 Outrageous, yeah.

02:37:49.000 What have you done?

02:37:50.000 Part of it, obviously, is because he's Tom Brady, so it's like going back to the Lance thing.

02:37:57.000 Everyone's watching him.

02:37:58.000 They just won the Super Bowl.

02:38:01.000 He's the guy.

02:38:02.000 He's handsome.

02:38:03.000 He's got this beautiful supermodel. 1.00

02:38:05.000 Do you know how much money his fucking wife has made? 1.00

02:38:07.000 I've read... 1.00

02:38:08.000 A lot of different stats, but apparently it's nothing short of $250 million.

02:38:15.000 $400 million.

02:38:16.000 Really?

02:38:16.000 He apparently has made $150 million, and she has made $400 million.

02:38:21.000 For modeling.

02:38:22.000 From looking pretty.

02:38:23.000 Yeah, for being...

02:38:24.000 Yeah.

02:38:25.000 That's it.

02:38:26.000 I mean, I don't have any idea what she sounds like when she talks.

02:38:29.000 She's kind of a deeper...

02:38:30.000 She's like a guy.

02:38:32.000 She has that Portuguese accent.

02:38:37.000 Wow.

02:38:37.000 But I mean, stop and think about that.

02:38:39.000 You can make that much money as a supermodel? 1.00

02:38:41.000 Yeah.

02:38:41.000 That's more money than Bo Jackson ever made his entire career.

02:38:44.000 Yeah.

02:38:45.000 That's really crazy.

02:38:47.000 400 million bucks. 1.00

02:38:49.000 Damn! 1.00

02:38:50.000 And he's a fucking one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, right? 1.00

02:38:54.000 Yeah, without a doubt. 0.99

02:38:55.000 Without a doubt.

02:38:56.000 He can't even come close to that.

02:38:58.000 It's not even...

02:38:59.000 If that's the real figure, it's not even close.

02:39:02.000 Quarterbacks, man, that's a tough gig.

02:39:05.000 Because those dudes are all running at you, trying to smash you.

02:39:11.000 Yeah.

02:39:12.000 They say Peyton Manning can't feel his fingers?

02:39:14.000 Yeah, I can't feel his fingertips, and he's been told a lot of times that...

02:39:16.000 He's never coming back.

02:39:17.000 Yeah, and he had that neck injury where they were like, you're never coming back, and that's how much he loves playing, that he, you know, fought through it.

02:39:25.000 What did they do for his neck? 0.98

02:39:27.000 They did that Regenicane shit, that shit I had done on my neck. 1.00

02:39:29.000 He had a crazy surgery done, and then... 1.00

02:39:32.000 Surgery?

02:39:32.000 Yeah, he had surgery, for sure.

02:39:34.000 So they probably trimmed back the disc?

02:39:36.000 Mm-hmm.

02:39:37.000 You know what they're doing now, man?

02:39:38.000 They're giving people stem cell shots?

02:39:40.000 Really?

02:39:41.000 Oh, dude, I got one in my shoulder.

02:39:43.000 Did you do that thing, by the way, when your kids were born?

02:39:45.000 Yes.

02:39:46.000 You did that, right?

02:39:46.000 Yeah, you banked the ambiotic.

02:39:49.000 But apparently there's a better way to do that now.

02:39:52.000 I think they use placenta now for that, too.

02:39:54.000 They used to use the cord, but now I believe they use placenta.

02:39:59.000 They gave us a whole kit that we're supposed to bring.

02:40:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:40:03.000 Look into it, because I think there's another more effective way.

02:40:06.000 Really?

02:40:06.000 Yeah.

02:40:07.000 The stem cells, though, that they get from the placenta, it's really fascinating stuff, man.

02:40:12.000 They're taking these, I guess it's amniotic, I guess that's the word, and they take these stem cells from placenta, and they're shooting them into athletes.

02:40:22.000 And it's amazing.

02:40:24.000 It comes out of this tube where it's liquid nitrogens in it, so smoke's coming out of it because it's frozen before they inject it in you.

02:40:32.000 It's really freaky. 0.99

02:40:33.000 Like, this is some space-age shit. 1.00

02:40:35.000 One shot, and they shoot it in you. 1.00

02:40:39.000 Within a week within a week my shoulder felt amazing.

02:40:42.000 Really? 0.99

02:40:42.000 Yeah, now I'm five weeks in I keep waiting for it to hurt like I'm doing all this working out I'm doing rows and chin-ups and I'm keep waiting for it to fuck with me and it hasn't been fucked with me at all. 0.99

02:40:52.000 Everything else good? 0.99

02:40:53.000 Back, knees, all that stuff?

02:40:54.000 Yeah, everything's good man.

02:40:55.000 That's awesome. 1.00

02:40:55.000 I'm gonna start shooting that stem cell shit everywhere. 1.00

02:40:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:40:58.000 Anything, anytime anything's wrong, shoot it in there. 1.00

02:41:01.000 Let's fucking see what's up. 0.99

02:41:02.000 They're going to have, within a few years, they're going to have these places where you're going to be able to go and they're going to put young blood in your body. 0.99

02:41:11.000 This is going to happen.

02:41:12.000 This is the next thing.

02:41:13.000 Because they've done all these studies that have shown with mice that when they take young blood, like the mice...

02:41:20.000 The blood of young mice and they put in the blood of old mice.

02:41:23.000 The mice, their memory improves, their athleticism improves, their body starts moving like a young mouse.

02:41:29.000 And then when they take the blood of old mice and they put it in young mice, the young mice become old and tired.

02:41:35.000 Really?

02:41:36.000 Yeah.

02:41:36.000 Wow.

02:41:37.000 It's fucking freaky. 0.99

02:41:38.000 It's kind of amazing. 0.99

02:41:39.000 Someone's got to be doing that right now, right?

02:41:41.000 Dude, in China?

02:41:43.000 Guaranteed. 1.00

02:41:43.000 They probably have a bunch of fucking prisoners hooked up to machines, and they're sucking blood out of them like the Matrix. 1.00

02:41:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:41:48.000 You know, and just pumping them right into their athletes. 1.00

02:41:51.000 Yeah.

02:41:53.000 They're doing these things called myostatin inhibitors.

02:41:56.000 Myostatin is what regulates your muscle size.

02:41:58.000 And they're doing that on Chinese athletes, allegedly. 0.99

02:42:01.000 China doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

02:42:02.000 They go crazy. 1.00

02:42:03.000 When you have a billion people, there's plenty of people, bro.

02:42:07.000 That's our number one resource is humans.

02:42:09.000 Let's experiment.

02:42:11.000 See how lucrative we can get.

02:42:14.000 Get lucrative right now.

02:42:15.000 I gotta go pee.

02:42:16.000 Go pee.

02:42:17.000 We'll wrap this up.

02:42:17.000 Okay.

02:42:18.000 We've already done three hours. 1.00

02:42:19.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:42:20.000 You're a fucking animal. 1.00

02:42:21.000 Tommy Bunz, when's your Netflix special? 1.00

02:42:23.000 You just recorded one.

02:42:24.000 When is it airing?

02:42:25.000 It's coming out in January.

02:42:26.000 It's coming out in January?

02:42:27.000 Yeah.

02:42:27.000 And then the last one, which is hilarious...

02:42:29.000 Completely normal.

02:42:30.000 It's on Netflix now.

02:42:31.000 It's on Netflix right now.

02:42:32.000 Go take a peek, you fella.

02:42:33.000 You can see Tommy Bunn's podcast.

02:42:36.000 It's called Your Mom's House with his lovely and talented wife, Christina Pazitsky.

02:42:42.000 You can catch Tommy on Twitter.

02:42:45.000 It's Tom Segura.

02:42:46.000 Or on Instagram, it's Segura Tom.

02:42:49.000 Because I guess there's some other Segura.

02:42:51.000 Tom Segura character out there. 0.98

02:42:56.000 And he's fucking awesome. 0.96

02:42:57.000 If he's coming to your town, go see him. 0.96

02:42:58.000 Check out his website, all that jazz.

02:43:00.000 All that stuff's available on his Instagram and his Facebook and his Twitter.

02:43:05.000 That's it. 0.99

02:43:09.000 Alright, you fucks. 0.99

02:43:10.000 We'll be back tomorrow. 0.99

02:43:12.000 So tomorrow, I'll see you then. 1.00

02:43:15.000 Until then, be nice to each other, you fucking savages. 1.00

02:43:18.000 Bye. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 07, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #693 - Tom Segura

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript