The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #695 - Sebastian Maniscalco

00:00:00.000 Actually, I'm a double date tonight.

00:00:02.000 Oh! 0.60

00:00:03.000 Oh, and we're live!

00:00:05.000 If you're looking for something to do in Hollywood, tonight at the Comedy Store, Brian Redman.

00:00:11.000 Ooh, he's right here.

00:00:13.000 He has a big show tonight.

00:00:14.000 Big show!

00:00:15.000 Big show!

00:00:15.000 At the Comedy Store.

00:00:17.000 Jim Florentine. 0.99

00:00:18.000 Fucking hilarious. 0.99

00:00:20.000 Dom Irera. 1.00

00:00:21.000 Jesus fucking Christ. 1.00

00:00:22.000 Ben Glebe. 1.00

00:00:23.000 Steve.

00:00:24.000 I don't know how to pronounce his last name, but he's hilarious.

00:00:26.000 AG. He's fucking hilarious, but I always ruin his last name. 0.98

00:00:29.000 Dean Del Rey, fresh off of a fucking motorcycle accident, The Kid Can't Be Stopped, Brian Moses, Jesus fucking Christ, what a lineup! 0.99

00:00:37.000 Brian Redband, Mike Lawrence, Tony fucking Hinchcliffe, Mark Saratella, and Secret Guest, two of them which I know which are national headliners and very hilarious guys. 0.99

00:00:46.000 Yes.

00:00:46.000 Well, I can't say if it's a guy or a girl.

00:00:48.000 One of them is fucking famous as shit. 1.00

00:00:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:00:50.000 But apparently this bitch is too big to have her name put on the... 1.00

00:00:54.000 I say bitch with all due respect. 1.00

00:00:56.000 In reference to Dom Herrera. 1.00

00:00:58.000 With all due respect.

00:00:59.000 It's tonight at 8.30 at the Comedy Store Main Room.

00:01:02.000 Tickets are only 10 bucks on sale right now.

00:01:04.000 Yeah, they're on Brian's Twitter.

00:01:05.000 They're on my Twitter.

00:01:06.000 And if you go to thecomedystore.com, you can buy the tickets. 0.99

00:01:10.000 Fucking Sebastian! 0.99

00:01:11.000 Speaking of Comedy Store over here, this guy! 0.99

00:01:14.000 What's happening?

00:01:15.000 Nice to be here. 0.96

00:01:16.000 You and I have been friends for a long fucking time, my friend. 0.96

00:01:18.000 Long time. 0.96

00:01:19.000 I remember when you first started.

00:01:21.000 1998. You were very, very prevalent at the Comedy Store when I first came there.

00:01:26.000 You were there every night, and then you left, and now you're back.

00:01:31.000 Yeah, I'm back.

00:01:31.000 I love it back, man.

00:01:32.000 I'm having a great time.

00:01:33.000 I think this is the golden age of that place. 0.96

00:01:36.000 It's fucking amazing now, right? 0.58

00:01:38.000 Well, compared to some of the times that we shared there, when 2000, 2001, I was a young... 0.96

00:01:44.000 Fledgling comedian and wearing snakeskin see-through shirts.

00:01:50.000 You definitely had a very interesting style.

00:01:53.000 Like a Long Island club style.

00:01:57.000 I was trying to bring the nightclub scene to the stage.

00:02:01.000 That's what I guess it was.

00:02:02.000 I tried that once.

00:02:03.000 I mean, didn't you ever go through like, I gotta have an outfit?

00:02:07.000 Yeah.

00:02:07.000 What was your outfit?

00:02:10.000 My first time on stage, this is how retarded I am, not just my first time, my first three or four times, I tried to dress like a comedian from that movie Punchline, you know, like I would wear like the sneakers with a denim, like a jacket, like a blazer, but with the sleeves rolled up and maybe a wacky t-shirt, 0.73

00:02:27.000 or I had a wacky pin, like a pin with a smiley face and a bullet hole in his head or something. 0.84

00:02:32.000 Oh, so embarrassing. 0.98

00:02:33.000 And I stop and think about what a fucking tool I was, you know, but At least that's in the normal kind of... 0.98

00:02:41.000 I was wearing Melrose Avenue snakeskin see-through where you could see my nippets. 0.99

00:02:54.000 You were, too.

00:02:55.000 I remember it. 0.82

00:02:55.000 This isn't bullshit. 0.82

00:02:57.000 You would wear some of the wackiest shit. 1.00

00:02:58.000 Yeah, it was awful. 1.00

00:03:00.000 I was just trying to find my footing.

00:03:01.000 I was just trying to be different.

00:03:04.000 Yeah, I had to go through that stage, I guess.

00:03:07.000 Was that all your idea, or did you have a manager that...

00:03:09.000 No, this is all me.

00:03:11.000 I came up with these marketing schemes.

00:03:15.000 When I first came out to Los Angeles, I'm coming from Chicago, and I come from a family where my father's a hairdresser, my mother's a secretary.

00:03:24.000 Nobody's in the entertainment business.

00:03:26.000 So I'm like, how am I going to crack into this?

00:03:28.000 So what I did was I went and I took some modeling shots off the expressway and some weeds.

00:03:36.000 This is professional shots.

00:03:38.000 In weeds?

00:03:39.000 Yeah, I did the...

00:03:40.000 I don't know if you ever did the Barbizon modeling thing where you heard it on the radio.

00:03:45.000 If you think you got it, come down and...

00:03:48.000 Oh, yeah.

00:03:48.000 I did that on the down low.

00:03:52.000 So I went in, I took my photos, I brought them home.

00:03:55.000 My mother's like, the photo's beautiful.

00:03:59.000 You gotta send this out.

00:04:01.000 This is, Hollywood's gonna love this.

00:04:03.000 So, what I did was, I shrank it down into like a four by six, and at the time they had Photoshop on the back.

00:04:11.000 You could, you could, there was like a bunch of people watching a movie screen.

00:04:15.000 So, in the movie screen you could type text.

00:04:18.000 So, I typed in, coming this summer, Sebastian.

00:04:24.000 Like it was a movie.

00:04:26.000 I didn't put any phone number.

00:04:29.000 I figured I'm just gonna wet their beak with the photo.

00:04:34.000 This is how sick I was.

00:04:36.000 So I'm thinking the casting directors are gonna get it and go, oh!

00:04:41.000 And then look, he didn't leave a number!

00:04:45.000 So when I got to LA, I sent out another batch and it said, now playing in Los Angeles with the phone number.

00:04:53.000 Not one phone call.

00:04:55.000 None?

00:04:56.000 Zero?

00:04:57.000 That was it.

00:04:57.000 That was my entree.

00:04:59.000 I would have felt like there was at least one dude trying to fuck you. 1.00

00:05:05.000 If I was a sleazy casting director and I was of the gay inclination, I'd think you're my fucking kind of guy. 1.00

00:05:12.000 Yeah, no, nothing. 1.00

00:05:13.000 I'm perfect.

00:05:14.000 I didn't even get a gay bike. 0.99

00:05:15.000 See-through sex gay bike. 1.00

00:05:17.000 See-through snakeskin shirt. 1.00

00:05:19.000 Fucking A, man. 0.99

00:05:20.000 This is my guy. 0.99

00:05:22.000 I've been waiting for him to come up.

00:05:24.000 Terrible.

00:05:25.000 I went on stage one weekend.

00:05:28.000 One of the worst times I ever bombed in my life.

00:05:30.000 There was a bunch of factors that led to this bombing.

00:05:34.000 But one of them that I was dressed up like I was going out to a club.

00:05:38.000 And this was like the first time I'd ever done it.

00:05:40.000 Like I had Cavaricis.

00:05:41.000 Remember Cavaricis?

00:05:42.000 They were like tight at the top and they kind of ballooned out a little bit in the legs.

00:05:46.000 Very nice.

00:05:47.000 I had like a nice shirt, button up, looked good.

00:05:50.000 I had hair back then. 1.00

00:05:52.000 And I was on stage and just fucking eating plates of shit. 0.99

00:05:55.000 And then I remember being so uncomfortable with the way I was dressing and bombing. 0.99

00:06:00.000 I went on after Brewer.

00:06:01.000 It was one of the pivotal moments of my young career.

00:06:04.000 I'd only been doing comedy like I gotta say like three years, maybe.

00:06:09.000 And I was headlining.

00:06:10.000 Really shouldn't have been headlining.

00:06:11.000 Really didn't have the time. 1.00

00:06:13.000 It's just bullshit. 0.99

00:06:14.000 I bullshitted my way into position. 1.00

00:06:15.000 And I kind of pulled it off until Saturday night, late night show.

00:06:18.000 Saturday night, late night show. 0.99

00:06:20.000 Brewer went up and lit the fucking place on fire. 0.99

00:06:24.000 I mean, he crushed like I'd never seen any... 0.99

00:06:26.000 Comic crush before up until that moment.

00:06:29.000 It was just like, Jesus!

00:06:30.000 I was terrified backstage. 0.98

00:06:32.000 Fucking terrified. 0.98

00:06:34.000 Just didn't know how to follow anybody back then. 0.97

00:06:36.000 Didn't know how to laugh at it and just ride the wave and have fun. 1.00

00:06:40.000 Just, it went up there and ate plates of shit. 0.99

00:06:42.000 But part of it was definitely, I was super uncomfortable with the way I was dressed. 0.99

00:06:45.000 I was like, what am I doing?

00:06:46.000 But were you wearing that off...

00:06:48.000 Were you a Cavaricci guy?

00:06:49.000 Or did you just figure...

00:06:50.000 If I was trying to get laid, I guess I probably would've... 1.00

00:06:52.000 I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. 0.99

00:06:53.000 I was so lost. 0.98

00:06:58.000 I would wear whatever worked, you know? 0.98

00:07:00.000 When you're trying to get laid and you're a young guy, you fucking wear whatever they like. 0.90

00:07:04.000 The clothing is entirely dictated by the success. 0.97

00:07:07.000 Like, women's appeal, like what women find appealing, that's what we wear. 0.99

00:07:12.000 Whatever the fuck they- There's a reason why the fanny pack. 0.99

00:07:15.000 This is why people can't wear fanny packs. 0.99

00:07:16.000 My beloved fanny pack right here.

00:07:18.000 See, I'm married. 1.00

00:07:19.000 I could pull that shit off. 1.00

00:07:20.000 If you're not trying to get laid, you can wear that fucking thing. 1.00

00:07:23.000 Or if you don't give a fuck if you get divorced, you can wear that thing. 1.00

00:07:26.000 But if you're a guy, if you're a young guy hoping to impress a gal, and you walk around with a fucking bag bolted to your waist, you gotta wear what they want you to wear. 1.00

00:07:38.000 It's all dictated by women. 1.00

00:07:39.000 Fashion, if it was just men on the planet, there would be no fucking designer shoes. 1.00

00:07:44.000 There would be nothing. 0.99

00:07:46.000 There would be nothing.

00:07:47.000 We'd all be wearing skins. 0.97

00:07:48.000 We'd all be wearing animal skins or whatever the fuck is comfortable. 1.00

00:07:51.000 Cotton shit, shorts. 1.00

00:07:52.000 Nobody would give a fuck. 1.00

00:07:54.000 If there was no women, if it was just removed from the equation, if no longer, if there was no, like, not only were there no women, like, we didn't need to reproduce. 0.99

00:08:01.000 People live forever and every guy that's here is gonna be here forever.

00:08:04.000 That's it.

00:08:04.000 These are the people.

00:08:06.000 Done.

00:08:06.000 It would be, the fashion industry would tank.

00:08:09.000 It would go crashing down to the ground so quick.

00:08:13.000 But does your wife have any say on what you wear? 0.94

00:08:16.000 Like, Joe, you want to put, like, a button-up on?

00:08:18.000 If we go out, she will ask me to wear something nice.

00:08:22.000 If we go out.

00:08:23.000 Like, if we're going out to a nice dinner somewhere, we'll do, like, a date night, go to a nice little restaurant.

00:08:26.000 We've been lately going to these Michelin-rated restaurants.

00:08:29.000 You ever do that?

00:08:30.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:08:30.000 Oh, it's a Michelin-rated one!

00:08:33.000 Oh, it's a five-star one!

00:08:35.000 And you go to these places.

00:08:36.000 You ever go to those?

00:08:37.000 They still have Michelin-rated restaurants.

00:08:39.000 It is worth going because it's all those crazy foodie people.

00:08:43.000 Like, have you ever met a real foodie, like a legit foodie?

00:08:45.000 You know, like, they'll tell you, like, where the spots are.

00:08:48.000 We have some friends that are like, so, like, Brian Callan knows all the spots.

00:08:52.000 Callan and his wife are, like, legit foodies.

00:08:54.000 Callan is like, he's a legit foodie and a legit wine connoisseur.

00:08:58.000 Like, he really knows. 0.99

00:08:59.000 I just remember shit. 0.99

00:09:01.000 I, like, try to pick stuff that's expensive. 0.99

00:09:03.000 Like, that's a hundred bucks.

00:09:04.000 It's gotta be good.

00:09:04.000 You know what I mean?

00:09:05.000 It can't be terrible.

00:09:08.000 But Callan knows where it's from, what part of France. 0.95

00:09:12.000 He'll tell you how the grapes are fucking different than the other grapes. 0.78

00:09:16.000 But these restaurants, then we go to one of those. 0.97

00:09:19.000 She'll ask me, I have to wear shoes.

00:09:20.000 I have crocodile shoes.

00:09:22.000 Crocodile skin shoes. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Fuck yeah, I do. 1.00

00:09:24.000 So those come out on the Michelin nights? 1.00

00:09:25.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

00:09:26.000 I wore them the other night. 1.00

00:09:28.000 Double date with Callan and his wife. 1.00

00:09:29.000 I have my fucking gators on. 1.00

00:09:30.000 Woo! 1.00

00:09:31.000 Looking slick, dude.

00:09:33.000 I'm telling you.

00:09:34.000 Is there something that you wear that your wife hates every time you wear? 1.00

00:09:37.000 Yes.

00:09:38.000 Those barbell jeans, those jeans that I have, they're elastic. 0.98

00:09:42.000 They're fucking totally rubber jeans. 1.00

00:09:45.000 They're fucking elastic. 1.00

00:09:47.000 They look like jeans, right? 0.99

00:09:49.000 But when you pull them, they're like this.

00:09:52.000 They're like this cloth.

00:09:53.000 They look exactly like jeans.

00:09:56.000 I wear them on stage all the time, but they don't bind you at all.

00:10:00.000 The company sent them to me.

00:10:02.000 Well, there's a bunch of companies.

00:10:03.000 Diesel makes them now.

00:10:04.000 A lot of companies.

00:10:05.000 But they don't make them with as much elastic as barbell, though. 1.00

00:10:08.000 Barbells are the shit. 1.00

00:10:09.000 Those are like fucking... 1.00

00:10:10.000 There's no resistance. 1.00

00:10:12.000 It's like...

00:10:12.000 Like your legs can...

00:10:14.000 You can do full splits in them.

00:10:15.000 No problem at all. 0.98

00:10:16.000 You can kick somebody in the head wearing those. 0.99

00:10:18.000 You wouldn't have any resistance.

00:10:19.000 Does she not like them because they're not realistic looking? 1.00

00:10:21.000 They're ridiculous. 0.99

00:10:22.000 Like, girls don't like... 1.00

00:10:23.000 They don't like...

00:10:24.000 Anybody finding out you're wearing rubber stretch jeans?

00:10:26.000 Rubber jeans?

00:10:27.000 You can't... 1.00

00:10:31.000 Find out your fucking husband is wearing them, they'll mock him. 1.00

00:10:34.000 Oh, so is your husband still wearing those jeans? 1.00

00:10:37.000 Is he wearing yoga pants too?

00:10:38.000 Do you guys go out and he wears yoga pants?

00:10:41.000 They're like yoga pants in jean form.

00:10:43.000 They're not that tight, but... 0.99

00:10:46.000 I have another pair that she fucking hates. 1.00

00:10:48.000 I think she hides them. 0.99

00:10:49.000 Because I can't find them.

00:10:51.000 They have a drawstring.

00:10:53.000 They tie at the top. 0.85

00:10:54.000 And she's like, those are fat people pairs. 0.98

00:10:58.000 And I go, first of all, you're fat-shaming, okay? 0.99

00:11:01.000 Second of all, if you are not overweight, I'm not an overweight person, so if I'm wearing these, what do you give a fuck if I'm wearing fat people jeans? 0.99

00:11:08.000 You know? 0.99

00:11:09.000 But to her, the fact that they have a string that you tie at the top is embarrassing.

00:11:15.000 Yeah, no strings.

00:11:16.000 Women do not like any strings. 1.00

00:11:18.000 But they wear them!

00:11:19.000 If you get a button, then it works.

00:11:21.000 And you tie in your clothes, forget it.

00:11:23.000 Yeah, but why is that?

00:11:24.000 I don't know.

00:11:26.000 I got a few drawstrings in the closet.

00:11:28.000 Nothing wrong with that.

00:11:30.000 Drawstring jeans? 0.99

00:11:31.000 Listen, Gay. 0.97

00:11:35.000 I'm not up to the rubber jeans. 0.98

00:11:38.000 That's a whole other deal.

00:11:39.000 All the companies are making them now.

00:11:41.000 I see them on the street.

00:11:42.000 There's a big billboard the other day for this other car.

00:11:44.000 I think Lee makes a pair of them.

00:11:46.000 Diesel makes them now.

00:11:47.000 Well, then I got to look into it.

00:11:48.000 Look into it?

00:11:49.000 I'm telling you.

00:11:50.000 Go down Melrose.

00:11:51.000 Next time you're on one of those mad shopping sprees, you got all your bags over your shoulder.

00:11:58.000 That Melrose Street is a strange environment.

00:12:01.000 Well, in 1998, I used to live on that street.

00:12:04.000 I used to go to all those stores.

00:12:06.000 And then they all kind of closed.

00:12:07.000 So now it's going through kind of a weird resurgence.

00:12:10.000 So they don't really have those leopard nipple shirts that I used to wear.

00:12:15.000 What is it like now?

00:12:16.000 I don't know.

00:12:17.000 Every time I go by, it's like a new store that's opened up, a new coffee shop.

00:12:20.000 A lot of skateboarding shirt stores and things like that.

00:12:25.000 Did you see that skateboarding video that I posted on Instagram yesterday or YouTube yesterday?

00:12:29.000 We played it on the show yesterday because we had a woman that had suffered from severe head trauma. 1.00

00:12:35.000 This fucking kid is going 70 miles an hour down a road in Colorado. 0.99

00:12:40.000 He's on this super deep, steep hill, and he's just tucked like a skier, like one of those speed skiers, and he's fucking flying, and it's just... 1.00

00:12:48.000 Your hands get clammy, your feet start twitching, you're like, oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh Jesus. 0.96

00:12:54.000 Watch it when you get a chance.

00:12:55.000 I've seen one of those.

00:12:57.000 It was two guys, though, and they were going with it.

00:12:59.000 It's nuts.

00:13:00.000 It's crazy. 1.00

00:13:00.000 If you wipe, you are so fucked. 1.00

00:13:03.000 One rock. 1.00

00:13:03.000 Yeah, anything. 1.00

00:13:05.000 Well, they're probably pretty good at balance. 1.00

00:13:08.000 They can probably pick it up pretty good, but this motherfucker, there he is right there. 1.00

00:13:11.000 Look at this crazy fucker. 1.00

00:13:13.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:13:13.000 Who's filming it, do you think? 1.00

00:13:15.000 Probably a car.

00:13:16.000 I would imagine a car, which is how they know he's going 70 miles an hour.

00:13:20.000 That's a very good question, though. 1.00

00:13:21.000 Could be another asshole behind him. 1.00

00:13:23.000 It's also doing the same thing. 1.00

00:13:24.000 If he hits a rock, the car's going to kill him.

00:13:27.000 That's a very good question.

00:13:28.000 That's a very good point, though.

00:13:30.000 Well, he'll go forward.

00:13:32.000 It's not like if he hits a rock, he's going to stop dead in his tracks.

00:13:34.000 He's going 70 miles an hour.

00:13:35.000 I don't know if you know a little thing called inertia.

00:13:37.000 The car's not going to know he's going to hit a rock.

00:13:40.000 But the car, he will not go that much slower is what I'm saying.

00:13:44.000 He's going to fly forward.

00:13:45.000 If he wipes, the guy's going to hit the brakes and he's going to go.

00:13:48.000 He doesn't have any brakes.

00:13:49.000 So he's going to skid and remove all of his skin. 0.99

00:13:54.000 Have you ever seen someone who's gotten mad road rash?

00:13:57.000 Did you see Dean Del Rey?

00:13:58.000 He posted on his Instagram, his whole side just skinned off.

00:14:02.000 All his tattoos on his arms, where he skinned his arms, his tattoos look brand new now, because it just took a layer of skin off, and so it looks like he just got his tattoos again.

00:14:11.000 So, like, you know how you're...

00:14:12.000 Exfoliating.

00:14:13.000 Yeah, so, like, if your tattoos fade, just get in the car accident.

00:14:17.000 Oh, Jesus Christ!

00:14:19.000 Yeah, somebody hit him going 70 miles an hour, a tweaker, supposedly carjacked a car and had an accomplice following her.

00:14:27.000 She hits Dean going 70 miles an hour, gets out of her car, gets in the other car and takes off. 1.00

00:14:33.000 How does he know she was going 70 miles an hour?

00:14:35.000 He was just guessing because he was going about 65 or so and he saw her coming up behind him in the rear view just going crazy fast. 0.99

00:14:44.000 He said that she was going so fast he didn't have a chance to get out of the way or anything.

00:14:49.000 She just went right into him.

00:14:51.000 How does he know she's a tweaker? 0.85

00:14:53.000 Uh, I don't know.

00:14:54.000 It was a carjacking, so I'm guessing.

00:14:57.000 Yeah, good, most likely. 0.99

00:14:58.000 Damn, he's lucky he's okay. 0.99

00:15:00.000 I can't believe he's going on stage tonight. 1.00

00:15:02.000 Yeah, he's a fucking trooper. 0.98

00:15:03.000 He's gonna get a hero's welcome tonight. 0.99

00:15:04.000 He was at the comedy store last night, and you should see how many people were like, oh, are you okay?

00:15:10.000 And doing, like, the pat.

00:15:12.000 No! 0.99

00:15:12.000 If you get a new tattoo, that's the first fucking thing people do. 0.99

00:15:15.000 They slap that tattoo. 0.99

00:15:16.000 They can't even help it.

00:15:17.000 I think it's like a magnet thing.

00:15:19.000 I think people are attracted to your injuries.

00:15:21.000 Yeah.

00:15:21.000 But he's supposedly quitting motorcycles, which is interesting.

00:15:25.000 He said he got out of his get-out-of-jail-free card or whatever, so he's looking at a Volkswagen right now.

00:15:30.000 Wow.

00:15:31.000 Good for him.

00:15:32.000 Yeah, it's a scary thing, man.

00:15:34.000 Scary thing.

00:15:35.000 You look like you're like a thrill seeker.

00:15:38.000 Like you got a motorcycle.

00:15:40.000 You don't you got a motorcycle? 0.99

00:15:40.000 I'm fucking torn. 0.99

00:15:42.000 I'm like half of two different people. 0.99

00:15:44.000 Fucking terrified of everything, and I do a lot of dangerous shit, but no, I don't have a motorcycle. 0.98

00:15:49.000 I came close, but I was actually going through the motorcycle safety course, the whole deal, with a couple buddies of mine that still ride. 0.99

00:15:56.000 My buddy Peter Hirschko, he's still riding.

00:15:58.000 But when we were doing it, two people I know wiped bad.

00:16:01.000 That was when Frank Mir, who was the UFC heavyweight champion at the time, got hit by a car.

00:16:05.000 They snapped his femur.

00:16:07.000 This guy, old man, ran a red light.

00:16:10.000 Just spaced out. 1.00

00:16:11.000 Just fucking nailed him. 0.98

00:16:13.000 Sent him flying 70 feet through the air. 0.99

00:16:15.000 He soared 70 feet in the air from a car.

00:16:18.000 And Frank's a giant dude.

00:16:21.000 And his legs snapped in half.

00:16:22.000 And he wasn't the same for like a year and a half, two years.

00:16:26.000 Took a long time for him to recover. 0.54

00:16:29.000 That scared the shit out of me.

00:16:30.000 And then my friend Edson fell and just tore his shoulder up. 0.99

00:16:34.000 And his shoulder was fucked up. 0.98

00:16:36.000 And, you know, that was it for me. 0.99

00:16:39.000 And then another person I know saw somebody hit.

00:16:41.000 I saw somebody got hit the other day.

00:16:43.000 I didn't see the hit, but I saw him after it was over, and he was screaming in agony, lying on the ground.

00:16:50.000 They had, like, the car beside him.

00:16:51.000 His bike was wiped out.

00:16:52.000 He's like, ah!

00:16:54.000 Ah!

00:16:55.000 Yeah, you hear all these things about, I got a scooter, and I pop around town with the scooter, and you start seeing stuff like this, and you're like, maybe we should give the scooter a rest.

00:17:06.000 But I got to tell you, to drive around in L.A. in a scooter is, I mean, it's shaved some time off, and park right in, and bounce out.

00:17:16.000 But, you know, you don't think anything's going to happen, but then you hear someone like this with the carjacking, and then you're exposed, so... 0.99

00:17:23.000 I think the best move for those things is when you're on the highway and it's bumper to bumper and those motherfuckers are cutting the lane. 0.99

00:17:30.000 Because people at home, I don't know where you live and you're listening to this, but in LA, for some strange reason, you're allowed to drive in between cars legally. 0.99

00:17:39.000 It's super fucking dangerous.

00:17:42.000 When I lived in Boston, people used to do it, but it was illegal. 0.98

00:17:45.000 And people would get mad when people did it.

00:17:47.000 But here, it's totally legal.

00:17:49.000 I had some friends that came out and visited, and one of the first things that they said was, like, dude, everybody's breaking the law on the highway with the motorcycles.

00:17:55.000 I'm like, they're not.

00:17:56.000 Like, that's the law.

00:17:57.000 You're allowed to do that here.

00:17:58.000 And they just looked at me like, that...

00:18:00.000 What?

00:18:00.000 It's crazy.

00:18:01.000 When I first saw it, I was like, what the...

00:18:03.000 The guy almost clipped my mirror.

00:18:04.000 Yeah.

00:18:05.000 My mirror's been clipped. 0.99

00:18:06.000 My mirror's still fucked from a motorcycle guy doing it. 0.99

00:18:09.000 Really? 0.99

00:18:09.000 Clipping my mirror, yeah. 0.99

00:18:11.000 He's like he's alive.

00:18:12.000 I mean, can you imagine? 1.00

00:18:13.000 You're fucking... 1.00

00:18:15.000 Those Ducati crazy fuckers, those Hayabusa dudes. 1.00

00:18:18.000 Yeah, he didn't even stop. 1.00

00:18:22.000 I don't think he knows.

00:18:23.000 I was driving home from the comedy store once and was one of those gangs of motorcycles. 0.98

00:18:27.000 You know, you get like 30, 40 guys out riding and one motherfucker is doing a wheelie for like a half a mile and he's going fast. 0.98

00:18:35.000 He's just... 0.98

00:18:39.000 Just barreling down the highway, cars all around him, and he's doing a wheelie. 1.00

00:18:42.000 And all I can think of is this fucking dude goes down, he's a dead man. 1.00

00:18:46.000 And we're all going to see it. 1.00

00:18:47.000 We're all going to see cars rolling over his head.

00:18:52.000 I mean, I guess it's exciting, though.

00:18:55.000 Must be a thrill.

00:18:56.000 Oh, it's a rush.

00:18:57.000 You get that scooter up to 35. I tell you.

00:19:00.000 See, I think that's a good idea, because I live in Burbank, and that wouldn't be bad to just, like, go to the store, you know, go to, you know, do little things here and there.

00:19:08.000 You should get one of those hovercrafts that got Wiz Khalifa arrested.

00:19:11.000 Yeah.

00:19:12.000 Get one of those things that, like, the dude has at the store.

00:19:14.000 I can't do it, man.

00:19:15.000 Those are great.

00:19:16.000 I hate, like, just going into, like, the bank, and there's people standing on those things.

00:19:20.000 You've really seen a lot of them?

00:19:21.000 Oh, everywhere in Hollywood.

00:19:22.000 You would drive around on one of those things? 1.00

00:19:24.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:19:25.000 You would? 1.00

00:19:25.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:19:26.000 You would go to Ralph's and the thing up and down the aisle? 1.00

00:19:28.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:19:29.000 Until they make it illegal. 1.00

00:19:30.000 You know what?

00:19:31.000 With my stretchy rubber jeans. 1.00

00:19:33.000 Your leopard nipple. 0.99

00:19:35.000 Tell me where you bought that shirt. 0.99

00:19:36.000 I'll wear that.

00:19:37.000 That's my new outfit.

00:19:38.000 That and the hoverboard.

00:19:40.000 I think that, you know, they're going to make them illegal.

00:19:43.000 So like right now, like when you're driving around in a supermarket with those things, you can get away with it because there's no law.

00:19:48.000 You hear what happened?

00:19:49.000 The guy that's on Shark Tank, the rich billionaire guy, he actually owns the patent for all those.

00:19:55.000 And all those are just generic replicas of the original that are sent from Korea.

00:20:00.000 So all these ones you see around... 0.96

00:20:02.000 Or just rebranded generic shitty ones. 0.79

00:20:05.000 So he's going, alright, everyone, stop selling these now. 0.92

00:20:08.000 I own the patent.

00:20:09.000 You all owe me money.

00:20:10.000 So he's raking it in because of those things.

00:20:14.000 Oh, no.

00:20:15.000 So he owns the patent, so he put a stop on all these people selling them?

00:20:18.000 All the generic ones have to stop.

00:20:20.000 And what's probably going to happen is he's probably going to raise the price of them.

00:20:24.000 Because right now you can go to Amazon and buy one for $350.

00:20:27.000 So he's probably going to make that like $1,000 and only have one brand.

00:20:31.000 Hmm.

00:20:31.000 The Chinese are just gonna sell them anyway.

00:20:33.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:20:34.000 Yeah, fuck you. 1.00

00:20:35.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:20:36.000 They're just gonna keep fucking selling them. 1.00

00:20:38.000 You can't stop them. 1.00

00:20:39.000 I mean, they fucking copy towns. 1.00

00:20:42.000 They copy entire towns. 0.99

00:20:43.000 They copy everything over there.

00:20:44.000 It's kind of...

00:20:45.000 I kind of like that they do it.

00:20:48.000 You know, I don't like the fact that someone's counterfeiting someone's work, but I love the fact that we live in a world that's so crazy that there's a part of the world where you just accept that they're just going to copy everything.

00:20:57.000 They have a whole fake Apple store in China.

00:21:00.000 Total fake Apple store. 1.00

00:21:01.000 You go in there, there's an Apple logo, all the shit is counterfeit. 1.00

00:21:05.000 Have you never seen it before? 1.00

00:21:06.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.98

00:21:08.000 I mean, look, if I was Apple, I'd be pissed, but you're making plenty of money. 0.99

00:21:12.000 You should be laughing.

00:21:12.000 You should be laughing at the fact that this exists.

00:21:15.000 I mean, it sucks if you're in China and you want to, oh, look, I'll just go to the Apple store and get my...

00:21:19.000 How come it doesn't have a...

00:21:20.000 Why does it have a USB port on the bottom of the iPhone?

00:21:24.000 Like, what is... 0.99

00:21:24.000 Like, they just make their own shit. 0.99

00:21:26.000 That'd be nice. 1.00

00:21:27.000 And they just slap an Apple logo on it. 1.00

00:21:29.000 Yeah, they don't give a fuck, man. 0.99

00:21:31.000 They copy entire cities. 0.99

00:21:32.000 There's an exact replica of Paris in China down to every street.

00:21:37.000 Yeah, they have an Eiffel Tower.

00:21:39.000 They got no originality there?

00:21:41.000 Nothing?

00:21:41.000 No one's looking at their city and going, let's be unique here.

00:21:46.000 I don't know.

00:21:47.000 You gotta wonder.

00:21:48.000 I mean, I'm not a sociologist.

00:21:50.000 You gotta wonder, like, what is it about certain cultures that promotes creativity?

00:21:54.000 Like, obviously, America.

00:21:55.000 Like, America's known for being a very creative part of the country.

00:21:58.000 And if you look at, like, African Americans. 0.52

00:22:00.000 African Americans are known as being, like, some of the most creative and innovative people, as far as, like, culture, as far as, like, the way they dress and the way they talk.

00:22:08.000 They're, like, the most imitated.

00:22:09.000 You know, like, they're pushing music.

00:22:13.000 Like, think about, like, Chuck Berry, Jimi Hendrix, you know, like, go back to, like, the old days of rock and roll, James Brown. 0.99

00:22:19.000 All these black guys, these white guys were like, fuck, we gotta do what they're doing. 0.99

00:22:23.000 Like, Jimi Hendrix, like, when they came along, the Beatles watched him, and they're like, we gotta fucking quit music. 1.00

00:22:28.000 Like, what are we doing? 0.99

00:22:29.000 Like, this fucking, what is this guy doing? 0.99

00:22:33.000 Everybody was like, Jesus Christ! 1.00

00:22:35.000 And...

00:22:36.000 What is it that makes them like that?

00:22:38.000 What is it that makes America a hub of innovation?

00:22:42.000 There's some innovative places in the world, but this spot, especially when it comes to art, especially when it comes to stand-up comedy, what we do...

00:22:50.000 Yeah, why?

00:22:51.000 Why wouldn't we go to Germany or Australia that no one's pumping out movies, TV shows like America?

00:22:59.000 Australia does a little bit, and they produce good comics.

00:23:02.000 Jim Jeffries came from Australia.

00:23:04.000 He's a great comic.

00:23:05.000 They've got some really funny guys over there.

00:23:07.000 There's some real good local comics, and they make some good movies and stuff like that, but there's not that many people in Australia.

00:23:14.000 Australia is a giant place, and it's got as many people as L.A. Yeah, I was just saying in regards to entertainment.

00:23:22.000 Yeah.

00:23:23.000 As a whole, America seems to have that kind of on lockdown.

00:23:27.000 We got it on fleek.

00:23:29.000 Yeah, I don't know, man.

00:23:30.000 It's weird.

00:23:31.000 Like, Germany, not good at all. 0.89

00:23:32.000 Like, Germany's real stiff.

00:23:34.000 Brian, were you around when that guy was coming to the store?

00:23:36.000 Were you around when that guy was coming to the store?

00:23:37.000 Was, like, the main guy from Germany?

00:23:39.000 Oh, yeah, with the hair.

00:23:40.000 Yes!

00:23:41.000 What's his name?

00:23:41.000 I don't know.

00:23:42.000 Oh, God, no.

00:23:43.000 I don't know if you were there.

00:23:44.000 Not Monkey Boss.

00:23:44.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:23:46.000 He was a really, really popular guy in Germany.

00:23:50.000 And he had decided that he was going to make it in America.

00:23:53.000 And I mean, he barely spoke English.

00:23:55.000 Oh, God, yeah.

00:23:56.000 He came with his...

00:23:56.000 Doing juggling.

00:23:57.000 He had a suit on.

00:23:59.000 I forget his name.

00:24:00.000 I forget his name, too, but we were all like, what?

00:24:03.000 Like, what is this guy doing? 0.98

00:24:04.000 It was interesting because we kind of, like, respected the fact this guy had the balls.

00:24:09.000 He realized that, like, for stand-up comedians, like, when I was living in Boston, we would all hear about the comedy story.

00:24:15.000 It was like Mecca.

00:24:16.000 It was always spoken about in hushed tones.

00:24:19.000 Like, you gotta go to the Comedy Store.

00:24:20.000 That's where Pryor started out.

00:24:22.000 That's where Kenison started out.

00:24:23.000 And everybody was like, oh, the Comedy Store, the Comedy Store. 0.97

00:24:25.000 And then, you know, you'd get there and you'd see fucking James Stevens III asking for a standing ovation. 0.99

00:24:30.000 You're like, what the fuck is going on here? 1.00

00:24:33.000 Singing Wizard of Oz songs and shit. 1.00

00:24:34.000 Like, it was a dark time in the 90s. 0.99

00:24:36.000 It was like, we had missed the Kinnison wave.

00:24:38.000 And, you know, when you and I were first starting at the store, I was a few years before you.

00:24:43.000 I started in 94 at the store.

00:24:45.000 And it was just like, whoa, this place is dark.

00:24:47.000 Like, it was gross.

00:24:49.000 It was like a lot of bad comedy going on there. 0.99

00:24:52.000 But this fucking dude decided, hey, you know, I'm a big star in Germany, but I'm going to come to America. 0.99

00:24:57.000 I'm going to try to make it. 1.00

00:24:58.000 Didn't even speak English.

00:24:59.000 Frank Lemberman.

00:25:00.000 That's his name.

00:25:01.000 That's his name.

00:25:02.000 Frank Lemberman.

00:25:02.000 Yeah.

00:25:03.000 Nice guy.

00:25:04.000 Real nice guy.

00:25:05.000 Just didn't work.

00:25:06.000 He just... 1.00

00:25:06.000 His comedy was like slapstick-y, like Charlie Chaplin movie type shit. 1.00

00:25:11.000 Like he would fall down and fucking... 1.00

00:25:17.000 He didn't know what was going on. 0.99

00:25:19.000 This guy went on stage and it was like, he was like the, I think he had a talk show in Germany.

00:25:25.000 And he came here and he tried to make it work.

00:25:27.000 And it's amazing how many people come in and out of that comedy store.

00:25:30.000 If you went back and looked at the people that came in, they stayed for a little bit, they left.

00:25:34.000 Where did he go?

00:25:36.000 The names on the walls.

00:25:37.000 Sometimes I'll just sit there with Google open and just Google people's names on the walls.

00:25:42.000 I have them I can't even find on Google.

00:25:44.000 There's some guy named MC Zen.

00:25:50.000 MC Zen?

00:25:50.000 Yeah, that's a weird name for a comic, so nothing about him.

00:25:54.000 There's some towing truck company on the side of the wall.

00:25:57.000 Have you ever looked at the wall?

00:25:58.000 There's a lot of names that I think people just put up there without them knowing.

00:26:01.000 Do you think that that happens, like, with doctors?

00:26:04.000 That, like, there's, like, doctors, like, whatever happened to Mike, the ophthalmologist?

00:26:08.000 Ah, he's not doing it anymore.

00:26:10.000 You know, like, does that happen?

00:26:11.000 Like, they go to ophthalmologist conventions, and he just quit?

00:26:15.000 He just quit?

00:26:15.000 Like, probably not as much, right?

00:26:17.000 They get saddled with all these bills, and, you know, there's no student loans for comedians.

00:26:21.000 Yeah, I don't think.

00:26:22.000 I never saw a guy or met a guy.

00:26:24.000 I used to do medical stuff.

00:26:27.000 Yeah.

00:26:29.000 I ran into a guy at the improv the other night that was an open-miker when I was an open-miker from Boston, and he just decided, he goes, yeah, I haven't done comedy at all.

00:26:37.000 I haven't been on stage in 16 years, but I thought about it all the time, and I decided to come back.

00:26:42.000 Wow.

00:26:42.000 You know, how do I get spots?

00:26:44.000 I'm like, just fucking ran away from me. 0.98

00:26:47.000 Ah! 0.99

00:26:49.000 This is a conversation.

00:26:50.000 How do I speak English?

00:26:51.000 Well, you gotta start with the alphabet. 1.00

00:26:53.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:26:54.000 Like, what can you even say to a guy like that? 1.00

00:26:56.000 Go to kill Tony. 0.98

00:26:58.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:26:58.000 Well, he's got an advantage over someone who hasn't done it at all. 0.98

00:27:01.000 And there are people that start deep in their 40s.

00:27:05.000 I mean, there's no age limit.

00:27:07.000 No.

00:27:07.000 You could be a great comic.

00:27:08.000 You could start when you're 50 and become a great comic.

00:27:11.000 You just have to be willing to put in that time.

00:27:13.000 You have to have that energy.

00:27:15.000 Yeah, I mean, it's gonna take some time.

00:27:17.000 I mean, like, when do you think you guys started feeling comfortable in your own skin and on stage?

00:27:24.000 Was that something that...

00:27:25.000 Couple weeks ago.

00:27:28.000 Couple weeks ago, I think I might have figured it out for an hour.

00:27:33.000 Hold on, there's a time...

00:27:35.000 Ten years.

00:27:35.000 I think ten years in.

00:27:38.000 I think ten years is the number.

00:27:39.000 So you probably started right when I was...

00:27:41.000 I was ten years in when you started.

00:27:43.000 So you started in 98. I started in 88. Oh, wow.

00:27:45.000 So when you saw me, I was just...

00:27:48.000 I could really do an hour.

00:27:50.000 I could really go on the road and I could do an hour and I had a special then.

00:27:53.000 I had my first Comedy Center or Warner Brothers CD that I put out and I felt like I could do comedy, you know?

00:28:01.000 I felt like I wasn't a fraud anymore, you know?

00:28:04.000 But I still didn't.

00:28:05.000 Like if someone was gonna come see me that I liked, I'd panic.

00:28:09.000 That's the worst.

00:28:10.000 Yeah.

00:28:11.000 Someone famous that you like, come see you.

00:28:14.000 No, stay home.

00:28:17.000 Let me go on stage with no pressure. 0.99

00:28:19.000 It takes fucking forever, man. 0.99

00:28:21.000 It takes forever. 1.00

00:28:22.000 It's one of the most brutal grinds in all of show business.

00:28:26.000 It is a brutal grind.

00:28:27.000 You mentioned when someone's famous in the crowd.

00:28:31.000 Even when you're in the crowd, though.

00:28:33.000 You were in the crowd, and I know your laugh.

00:28:36.000 I know your laugh.

00:28:38.000 And you're laughing at other comedians.

00:28:40.000 So when I'm on stage, I'm listening for a Joe Rogan laugh.

00:28:46.000 I'm eight minutes in, I'm like, this guy's not laughing.

00:28:53.000 I was laughing at you the other night.

00:28:54.000 You were killing the other night.

00:28:55.000 But I listen to certain things in the room, and I think you, I mean, you don't do, you don't hear, like you're trying to make somebody laugh.

00:29:04.000 There's some people, like you hear Joey Diaz laugh.

00:29:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:29:07.000 I remember to this day, when I was like, whoa, I'm a fucking comedian. 0.99

00:29:11.000 It's when Paul Mooney was laughing. 0.99

00:29:13.000 Like, Paul Mooney, when I first started, fucking treated me like I was the plague. 1.00

00:29:19.000 You know, some cute little white boy on some stupid sitcom trying to make it at the Comedy Store. 1.00

00:29:23.000 I was a non-paid regular. 1.00

00:29:24.000 I mean, I said, hello, Mr. Mooney, walked right by me like I was on fire. 0.99

00:29:29.000 I didn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:29:31.000 And then one night, I was doing a set, a late set, and there was like fucking 20 people in the audience, but I used to do those sets like the place was packed, you know? 0.99

00:29:41.000 I don't believe in throwing away a set, you know? 0.82

00:29:43.000 If I'm going to do a set, I try my best.

00:29:46.000 And I heard, HA! Which is Mooney's laugh.

00:29:53.000 I forget what the bit was.

00:29:54.000 I really wish I remembered what the bit was.

00:29:56.000 It was a controversial bit.

00:29:57.000 I remember that. 0.98

00:29:58.000 It was a fucked up bit. 0.99

00:30:00.000 And I came off stage and Mooney fucking grabbed me by both shoulders and said, you're a real comic. 0.99

00:30:05.000 You are a real comic. 0.99

00:30:07.000 You did that set in front of those 20 people like there was a thousand motherfuckers in that room. 0.99

00:30:12.000 You're a real comic. 0.99

00:30:13.000 And I was like, wow.

00:30:14.000 I remember how good that felt.

00:30:16.000 Like hearing him laugh was like, wow.

00:30:18.000 Paul Moody thinks I'm funny.

00:30:20.000 Yeah.

00:30:20.000 It's nice to hear other comedians laugh at your stuff.

00:30:23.000 Oh, it's giant.

00:30:25.000 You could have 300 strangers laugh, but you hear one comedian laugh, and you're like, I'm in the group.

00:30:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:31.000 Diaz was in the back of the comedy store the other night, fucking howling. 1.00

00:30:34.000 When he's howling, ah! 1.00

00:30:37.000 You hear that fucking bellowing laugh. 0.99

00:30:39.000 And Diaz is always smacking things, smacking people when he's laughing, smacking tables. 0.99

00:30:44.000 That's a lot of noise.

00:30:45.000 Yeah.

00:30:45.000 I saw your special.

00:30:47.000 Your Showtime special?

00:30:48.000 Was it a Showtime special?

00:30:49.000 Yeah.

00:30:49.000 I was on the road.

00:30:51.000 I forget where I was.

00:30:52.000 I was flipping through the channels.

00:30:54.000 I think I was in Vegas, actually.

00:30:56.000 And I was just, you know, after a show, bored, watching TV, and your special came on.

00:31:01.000 And I hadn't seen you do a set because I hadn't been at the store in, like, six or seven years.

00:31:06.000 You know, 2007 was when I quit.

00:31:08.000 And this was, you know, maybe two years ago?

00:31:11.000 When was your special?

00:31:12.000 Yeah, about two and a half years ago.

00:31:13.000 Two years ago?

00:31:13.000 2012, so two years ago.

00:31:14.000 Fucking... 0.99

00:31:15.000 Excellent. 0.99

00:31:15.000 It was really, really good. 0.99

00:31:17.000 Thank you.

00:31:18.000 It was tight.

00:31:19.000 It was funny.

00:31:20.000 You were comfortable up there. 0.97

00:31:22.000 I was like, God damn, I haven't seen Sebastian in a long time. 1.00

00:31:24.000 You were fucking killing it. 1.00

00:31:25.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:31:26.000 Yeah, and when you tweeted at me and the message, I was like, wow, that's nice.

00:31:29.000 Because I always thought at the comedy store when you were there, I don't know.

00:31:34.000 For some reason, I don't think you got what I was doing. 1.00

00:31:37.000 I don't blame you with the nipples and shit. 1.00

00:31:41.000 Well, we were always friendly. 1.00

00:31:42.000 Oh yeah, no, we were always friendly.

00:31:44.000 But for whatever the reason, we weren't like, we were never like hanging out there.

00:31:49.000 I was kind of in my own little world.

00:31:51.000 Well, you were kind of in your own little world with everybody though. 1.00

00:31:54.000 You kind of would go there and do your shit and then get out of there. 0.98

00:31:56.000 Yeah, I was kind of, I never really hung out. 1.00

00:31:58.000 I did, but I didn't.

00:32:00.000 And it was like, you had that little cluster of people in the back there.

00:32:04.000 Uh-huh.

00:32:04.000 Which I never kind of got into that little circle.

00:32:06.000 You could have got in at any time.

00:32:08.000 I was just one of these guys.

00:32:09.000 I've always been the guy kind of on the outskirts, even in school and whatever.

00:32:14.000 I was always kind of the quiet kid that, you know...

00:32:17.000 It's the shirts. 1.00

00:32:18.000 It's the fucking nipple shirts. 1.00

00:32:20.000 It's the shirts. 1.00

00:32:22.000 People don't know what to make up yet.

00:32:25.000 Open nipple shirt on stage.

00:32:27.000 Open nipple shirts. 0.59

00:32:28.000 Yeah, no, I was always kind of on the outskirts.

00:32:30.000 So anyway, to fast forward when you said that you really enjoyed what I was doing, I was like, wow, that's a nice compliment.

00:32:35.000 Yeah, I sent that.

00:32:35.000 That was a tweet I put out a few years ago.

00:32:37.000 Right after I saw it, I put that out.

00:32:39.000 Yeah.

00:32:39.000 But yeah, when I saw you at the Comedy Store the other night, too, I was noticing, I was like, he's so comfortable on stage now.

00:32:45.000 Like, you're so, like, in your own, you got your own rhythm, you know, which is, like, one of the harder things for a comedian to find.

00:32:54.000 Like, find your own rhythm.

00:32:56.000 Like, you could say the same stuff year after year after year and just not good.

00:32:59.000 And then one day, you figure out how to do it, you figure out how it gels in people's minds, and then, woof, that's it.

00:33:07.000 Yeah, you're right.

00:33:08.000 It's a dance up there.

00:33:10.000 The thing that you were doing about the kid, about the kid that you just really didn't like.

00:33:15.000 I don't want to give away the bit.

00:33:17.000 Was it getting slapped in the back of the neck?

00:33:19.000 The thing about you ran into a kid at a party and you're like, I'm just not into this kid.

00:33:24.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:33:28.000 This is great!

00:33:30.000 It's one of those...

00:33:31.000 I don't want to give it away, but it's one of those bits where it's dependent upon your rhythm and everyone understanding how you look at things.

00:33:40.000 It's a combination of things.

00:33:43.000 I mean, you've got people that are writing beautiful jokes and this and that and the other thing.

00:33:47.000 I really admire those people.

00:33:49.000 But the way I work is it's more of like a way you say something or the timing or a pause or a look.

00:33:55.000 And it kind of all gels together for some reason.

00:33:58.000 And that's what I noticed, that people were kind of gravitating towards watching my act, was all this kind of physical and all this kind of weird faces that some other people might look like, is this funny that the guy's doing all these faces or whatnot?

00:34:15.000 But I don't know.

00:34:15.000 I've always been in a very expressive family.

00:34:18.000 So when we sat around the table, which seemed to be kind of my first stage growing up in this Italian household, and everybody was...

00:34:24.000 Kind of telling stories.

00:34:28.000 Everybody was kind of funny.

00:34:30.000 And we never really got serious.

00:34:32.000 Because if we got serious, we would start to cry.

00:34:34.000 Very emotional family.

00:34:36.000 It was either we were laughing or crying.

00:34:38.000 There was no in-between.

00:34:39.000 That's Italians. 1.00

00:34:40.000 That's Italians. 1.00

00:34:41.000 So, yeah.

00:34:42.000 And it took a while to kind of find that rhythm.

00:34:45.000 Yeah, it's an interesting thing, isn't it?

00:34:47.000 Everybody's got their own rhythm and you can't predict it.

00:34:51.000 I always use Mitch Hedberg as an example.

00:34:54.000 If you ever saw Hedberg live, Hedberg would say things that on paper were not funny at all.

00:35:01.000 You would be howling.

00:35:02.000 He had that bit about the Doubletree, naming the Doubletree in.

00:35:06.000 How did they name that?

00:35:08.000 How about three trees?

00:35:09.000 No.

00:35:10.000 Double tree?

00:35:11.000 Yes!

00:35:12.000 Meeting adjourned.

00:35:14.000 I'm not doing the bit justice, but he had a bunch of bits like that.

00:35:18.000 Would you like a frozen banana?

00:35:21.000 No, but I'd like a regular banana later, so yes. 0.98

00:35:26.000 So ridiculous. 0.83

00:35:28.000 But if you saw that on paper, you would go, that's not really funny. 0.96

00:35:32.000 But then you go see him live, and you're dying to this day.

00:35:36.000 If I'm bored and I'm in my car, I have a playlist on my iPhone where I have some stand-up on it, and I'll go to that Hedberg CD to this day. 0.99

00:35:45.000 I've heard it all a hundred times, and it's squeaky clean, squeaky clean, and fucking killer. 0.95

00:35:51.000 But it's just like he found his style. 0.99

00:35:53.000 He found his rhythm, you know?

00:35:55.000 You gotta find whatever it is.

00:35:56.000 No one can tell you, you know? 0.97

00:35:58.000 That's why comedy classes are just kind of ridiculous. 0.77

00:36:01.000 Joe, I took a comedy class.

00:36:03.000 Well, it's good to get you on stage.

00:36:05.000 Where at?

00:36:05.000 Who taught it?

00:36:07.000 This is another introduction into Los Angeles.

00:36:11.000 Never did comedy before, but once.

00:36:13.000 So I go, how am I going to get in to the comedy store?

00:36:16.000 I heard the comedy store was the place to be.

00:36:17.000 So I look through the trades.

00:36:20.000 Sandy Shore, who's Mitzi Shore's daughter, has a thing called Sandy Shore's Sandbox comedy class. 0.86

00:36:29.000 So I'm thinking, perfect.

00:36:31.000 I take her class.

00:36:33.000 If she likes me, she tells the mother, I'm in.

00:36:38.000 I'm sort of going to stay.

00:36:39.000 Sandy Shore's like, just so you know, I don't really get along with my mother.

00:36:43.000 We're not really talking right now.

00:36:45.000 And I'm like, yeah, that's $400 down the drain.

00:36:49.000 But for me, I enjoyed the comedy class because it gave me an opportunity to go up once a week in front of a supportive environment.

00:36:59.000 Say what you will about that.

00:37:01.000 You know, I mean, the people out there are support.

00:37:03.000 Holy!

00:37:05.000 I'm not going out into the wolves, but for me, it was like a way to kind of just get my legs a little bit.

00:37:10.000 So I took it for six months, and it kind of helped me get off the ground a little bit, because I didn't know.

00:37:15.000 I didn't know what to do.

00:37:16.000 Nothing wrong with that.

00:37:17.000 I mean, that's a great way to start, really.

00:37:19.000 It's just no one can teach you how to do comedy.

00:37:21.000 No, no, I don't think so.

00:37:22.000 You've got to kind of figure out how to do it on your own.

00:37:24.000 I've seen comedy classes where they give people bad advice, though, where they're telling somebody, like, The worst is like club owners.

00:37:31.000 Like Jamie Masada told my friend Todd once, you have to be generation X guy.

00:37:36.000 You're a generation X guy.

00:37:38.000 When you go on stage, what you're gonna do is only talk about generation X. My generation, generation X, we think this and you do that.

00:37:47.000 And the kid was like, fuck, do I have to do this? 0.99

00:37:50.000 Like, if I don't do this, this guy's not gonna let me get on stage. 1.00

00:37:53.000 Like, the worst fucking possible advice. 0.99

00:37:56.000 You know, like, who's gonna make it with the Generation X guy fucking... 0.99

00:37:59.000 How long is that gonna last? 0.98

00:38:00.000 Yeah.

00:38:01.000 He told Tony that he's like, Tony, you need to wear a cowboy hat.

00:38:05.000 You wear a cowboy hat, you look like Woody from Toy Story. 1.00

00:38:12.000 Fucking shitty advice. 1.00

00:38:14.000 The guy owns a comedy club. 1.00

00:38:16.000 When you find out that he's the guy that introduced Michael Jackson to those kids he molested, allegedly.

00:38:21.000 Oh.

00:38:21.000 Yeah, because he used to work with all those, like, dying kids.

00:38:25.000 Yeah.

00:38:25.000 Yeah, unfortunately.

00:38:26.000 He's the in-between guy. 0.99

00:38:27.000 Yeah, who's the fucking... 1.00

00:38:28.000 This is Corey Feldman, tight asshole. 1.00

00:38:31.000 I don't think he said that. 0.99

00:38:34.000 I don't think you introduced him to Corey Feldman either.

00:38:36.000 Corey Feldman wasn't dying of a disease as far as I know.

00:38:40.000 True. 1.00

00:38:43.000 But now you're fucking touring. 1.00

00:38:45.000 You're doing the road. 1.00

00:38:46.000 You're killing it everywhere.

00:38:46.000 I see everywhere.

00:38:47.000 Everywhere I'm at. 1.00

00:38:48.000 Improvs, all that shit. 0.99

00:38:49.000 You're doing great. 1.00

00:38:50.000 Yeah, knock on wood. 0.71

00:38:51.000 It's been good.

00:38:51.000 It's been good kind of getting myself involved with the clubs.

00:38:55.000 Did you start out at the store?

00:38:58.000 Started out in Los Angeles, 1998. I did comedy at my college.

00:39:03.000 I went to Northern Illinois University in DeKalb, and they had like a comedy contest where you auditioned in front of like the student council, and then I got to open up for the national headlining comedian.

00:39:14.000 Whoa.

00:39:14.000 Who was that?

00:39:16.000 Reese.

00:39:17.000 What's his name?

00:39:18.000 His last name was Reese.

00:39:19.000 I forgot.

00:39:20.000 He used to do this thing.

00:39:21.000 He used to go up on stage and go, I don't know.

00:39:24.000 It was like a...

00:39:25.000 Yeah, like a growl.

00:39:31.000 That was his, like, moniker.

00:39:33.000 So he was the guy.

00:39:35.000 So I go on stage just as in, like, you know, like a college 400-seater where it's like a free show for the students.

00:39:43.000 Primarily a black crowd.

00:39:45.000 I go on stage and I start to do my act. 0.90

00:39:48.000 And I'm starting to hear, Sandman!

00:39:52.000 I didn't know what the hell Sandman was at the time, but I found out later at Showtime at the Apollo, that's what they call when they want the guy to come out with the hook, the Sandman.

00:40:02.000 Oh, no.

00:40:03.000 But I'm like, I'm going through this going, what is that?

00:40:09.000 Is there another guy coming out?

00:40:10.000 What is Sandman?

00:40:12.000 So, it was bad.

00:40:13.000 It was a bad experience.

00:40:15.000 But, I knew, I just knew I had an ability to make people laugh.

00:40:19.000 Maybe not yet on stage.

00:40:21.000 It was primarily based on my family.

00:40:24.000 If I was making my family laugh, particularly my mother, if she was laughing, I knew that I had some ability to make people laugh.

00:40:31.000 I was just kind of trying to find it on stage. 0.97

00:40:33.000 It's a weird fucking journey, you know? 0.98

00:40:36.000 It's a very weird journey. 0.98

00:40:38.000 The journey of trying to figure out what it is and how to do it, which way to go, you know?

00:40:43.000 And you can go the wrong way for a long time and then have to bring it back.

00:40:46.000 You know, like there's guys that create characters, like Emo Phillips.

00:40:50.000 He has this character that he would do on stage.

00:40:54.000 Which is great until you're 60, which he is now.

00:40:57.000 He's like an old dude, and now he can't do that character anymore.

00:41:00.000 So you go to see Emo Phillips, if you were a fan of his in the 80s, and you're like, yeah, we're going to go see Emo.

00:41:06.000 And you see him now, and you're like, um, what's going on?

00:41:09.000 He's just talking.

00:41:11.000 He's not doing the character thing.

00:41:13.000 I'm surprised it still works on dice, because it doesn't seem like it should, but it does.

00:41:18.000 Oh, it's universal.

00:41:19.000 That will last forever.

00:41:21.000 That will last forever.

00:41:22.000 You know why?

00:41:23.000 Because he has become that guy.

00:41:24.000 Oh yeah, he's the guy.

00:41:26.000 He's that guy.

00:41:27.000 He's the guy.

00:41:30.000 Yeah. 0.84

00:41:52.000 Jerry Lewis like Jerry Lewis would become he was like this nutty professor and they would become this really fucking cool guy Who would smoke cigarettes and the chicks all fawned over him so he became like that guy But now there's the blurred line between who he was like Andrew Silverstein and then the Diceman he's that's gone He is the Diceman now you run into him at fucking Ralph's he's got weightlifting gloves on yeah He taught me how to get this fanny pack. 0.74

00:42:20.000 I did not know. 0.88

00:42:21.000 This is the Roots fanny pack. 0.75

00:42:23.000 This is the one I sell on higherprimate.com.

00:42:25.000 I found out about this from Dice.

00:42:27.000 That's a Dice recommendation?

00:42:29.000 That's right.

00:42:30.000 He came in with it.

00:42:31.000 He came in with it with sweatpants. 1.00

00:42:33.000 With this fucking beautiful, glorious fanny pack. 1.00

00:42:35.000 And I go, where did you get that? 1.00

00:42:37.000 He goes, that's nice, right? 0.99

00:42:38.000 I'm like, that's fucking gorgeous. 0.99

00:42:40.000 Like, that's the greatest fanny pack I've ever seen. 0.99

00:42:42.000 He goes, oh, it's the best.

00:42:43.000 It's the best one.

00:42:44.000 And he's like, show me all the features.

00:42:46.000 Like, this one's got a little buckle.

00:42:47.000 This has got a zipper.

00:42:48.000 I'm like, whoa, it is the best.

00:42:50.000 But he's that guy now that really is who he is.

00:42:53.000 He's like, all the time, 24 hours.

00:42:55.000 You call him up in the middle of the night.

00:42:56.000 He's Dice Man.

00:42:57.000 I think he became that guy.

00:42:59.000 Yeah, I opened up for him for like two, three years.

00:43:03.000 Really?

00:43:04.000 Yeah, he picked me out of the comedy store and he came up to me.

00:43:08.000 At first he goes, you know what you should do?

00:43:11.000 I said, what? 1.00

00:43:12.000 When you go on stage, put a sock in your pants and then you'll be like the comedian who's just got a big cock. 0.99

00:43:25.000 And this is like, this is like my guy I looked up to. 0.99

00:43:30.000 And he's telling me, and then I actually went home that night going, should I do that?

00:43:37.000 Should I be kake?

00:43:41.000 Anyway, we developed this kind of weird little friendship and he asked me if I wanted to go do Las Vegas with him at the Stardust Hotel and I'm like, I call my parents, I go, I'm opening up for Dice Clay at the Stardust.

00:43:55.000 My mother's like, you made it.

00:43:56.000 You made it!

00:43:57.000 Wow.

00:43:58.000 So they all came out to see and I hung out with them on the road.

00:44:02.000 And the first time we played Vegas, I'm like, I can't believe I'm here.

00:44:06.000 Wayne Newton Theater.

00:44:08.000 I wonder what we're going to do.

00:44:09.000 I'm excited.

00:44:10.000 We'll probably go out and dinner and go out to a club.

00:44:14.000 Hang by the pool.

00:44:16.000 Probably got a cabana.

00:44:18.000 And he goes, we're going furniture shopping today.

00:44:22.000 I go, what?

00:44:23.000 We're in Las Vegas.

00:44:25.000 So we went furniture shopping because he had a house out there and he was furnishing his house.

00:44:30.000 So we would go to furniture stores and he would tell me, sit on the couch.

00:44:35.000 That's it.

00:44:36.000 What do you think?

00:44:37.000 I go...

00:44:39.000 It's eight grand, guy.

00:44:40.000 It's better than anything I got at my house.

00:44:42.000 It's fantastic.

00:44:43.000 And we would go to eat.

00:44:45.000 I mean, this was a process.

00:44:46.000 We were laying on carpets to see if the carpet was comfortable.

00:44:52.000 And I'm like, okay, I guess this is what you do.

00:44:56.000 This is my first time on the road, and we're furniture shopping.

00:45:01.000 Let's go out.

00:45:01.000 Maybe the casino.

00:45:03.000 Maybe go for dinner.

00:45:03.000 He's like, are you kidding me?

00:45:05.000 It's like the Beatles.

00:45:06.000 If I go out there, it's like the Beatles.

00:45:07.000 It's like mania.

00:45:08.000 People are going to lose their mind.

00:45:10.000 I go, let's try it!

00:45:11.000 And sure enough, we went to the casino.

00:45:13.000 He had the glasses.

00:45:14.000 He had some big glitter ball on the back of his jacket and gloves.

00:45:19.000 And we went through the Venetian.

00:45:23.000 And it was like, it was fantastic.

00:45:25.000 It was like, oh wow, this is what he's talking about.

00:45:28.000 Swarm them, right?

00:45:29.000 Swarm them.

00:45:29.000 I mean, he's got like a loyal fan base.

00:45:32.000 Oh, yeah.

00:45:33.000 Yeah, it's crazy.

00:45:34.000 I went to see him, me and Jimmy Norton and Brian and who else?

00:45:39.000 Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony and Bobby Kelly.

00:45:41.000 And we all went to...

00:45:44.000 Anthony and Jimmy Norton were in town for the fights and I had the night off.

00:45:48.000 We had the night off, so...

00:45:50.000 We found out Dice was in town. 0.99

00:45:51.000 So we're like, fuck, let's go see Dice. 0.99

00:45:53.000 Let's go see Dice at the Riviera. 0.99

00:45:55.000 So like, which is classic old Vegas.

00:45:57.000 You know, that was the first place I ever worked in Vegas.

00:46:00.000 So we went there.

00:46:01.000 We went to the, you know, they have the upper showroom, like the bigger showroom where they have, they used to have the drag queen show.

00:46:08.000 You know, Frank Marino used to do the drag queen show, the famous drag queen show.

00:46:12.000 So we went up there. 0.99

00:46:13.000 We had a fucking great time. 0.99

00:46:15.000 We had a great time. 1.00

00:46:16.000 It was really fun.

00:46:17.000 It was really fun.

00:46:18.000 It was fun to sit there in the audience and just howl.

00:46:21.000 Just howl laughing.

00:46:22.000 And his set was great.

00:46:24.000 It was really funny.

00:46:25.000 We had a good time.

00:46:26.000 And then he was like, oh, happy to see us.

00:46:28.000 We went backstage.

00:46:28.000 We're hanging out with him.

00:46:29.000 And it was cool.

00:46:30.000 It was really cool.

00:46:31.000 His son does drums.

00:46:33.000 Son plays drums.

00:46:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:34.000 They've got a great band.

00:46:34.000 I went to go see their band about four months ago here in the valley.

00:46:38.000 Great band and he taught me a lot.

00:46:40.000 I mean, we'd have like long discussions at night because he didn't really sleep and we'd say, come by, let's talk.

00:46:46.000 He didn't sleep?

00:46:47.000 Well, you know, he was up a lot, you know.

00:46:49.000 I don't know.

00:46:50.000 For a comedian, I go to bed early and he was up.

00:46:53.000 What time you go to bed?

00:46:54.000 I don't know, 11.30.

00:46:55.000 You don't have kids, right?

00:46:56.000 No, not yet.

00:46:57.000 Not yet.

00:46:57.000 Newly married.

00:46:58.000 11.30?

00:46:58.000 11.30.

00:46:59.000 The fuck is that? 1.00

00:47:00.000 That's it. 1.00

00:47:01.000 That's weird.

00:47:03.000 I don't get anything done until my kids are asleep.

00:47:09.000 I can only write when they're at school or when they're asleep.

00:47:14.000 That's the only time I can get things done.

00:47:16.000 Because otherwise, it's like, Daddy, come do this.

00:47:18.000 Daddy, I want to do that.

00:47:19.000 Daddy, come do this.

00:47:20.000 What do you think of this?

00:47:21.000 So I don't even try.

00:47:22.000 During the day when I'm with them, it's just playtime with the kids.

00:47:25.000 Or hanging out.

00:47:26.000 We do art together.

00:47:27.000 We do a lot of drawing together. 0.99

00:47:28.000 But at nighttime, that's when I get my shit done. 0.92

00:47:30.000 From 9pm on, if I don't have a set, from 9pm on, I'm writing. 0.98

00:47:35.000 That's when I do my writing. 0.99

00:47:36.000 That's when I watch documentaries, all that shit. 0.99

00:47:40.000 I get it all done at night. 0.99

00:47:42.000 Oftentimes I don't go to bed till 3-4 o'clock in the morning.

00:47:45.000 It's pretty normal for me.

00:47:47.000 Four or five.

00:47:48.000 Four or five?

00:47:50.000 He's like Comedy Store till 02, and then Meth, and then Hookers, Tinder, and then Grindr, when Tinder doesn't work out.

00:48:00.000 So you're all over the map.

00:48:01.000 Yeah.

00:48:04.000 Oh, so Dice would be up like Super League.

00:48:06.000 Oh, yeah, come on.

00:48:07.000 He's telling me, you know, you can't look at other people's career.

00:48:10.000 You got your own path.

00:48:12.000 That's good advice.

00:48:12.000 You know, you can't be upset if somebody else gets something.

00:48:15.000 You know, it just really taught me kind of how to...

00:48:18.000 The only thing you have control of is how you perform and write.

00:48:23.000 Anything else is up in the air.

00:48:25.000 That's very good advice because that is a lot of wasting energy.

00:48:28.000 That a lot of comedians have, worrying about other people's sets and worrying about other people's careers.

00:48:32.000 Like, why is that guy getting this? 0.99

00:48:34.000 Why is she on this fucking show? 1.00

00:48:36.000 How come he got a thing or this and that? 1.00

00:48:38.000 Nothing to do with it.

00:48:39.000 We've all seen that though.

00:48:40.000 Those guys that get poisoned by other people's success, those guys, they always wind up failing too.

00:48:45.000 Like, it falls apart.

00:48:47.000 Like, jealousy is a poison that only...

00:48:50.000 It does the opposite of what you want it to do.

00:48:53.000 Instead of, like...

00:48:54.000 When you're jealous about somebody else's career, it doesn't do anything bad to them.

00:48:59.000 But it does something bad to you.

00:49:00.000 Like, it poisons you.

00:49:03.000 It's weird. 1.00

00:49:04.000 Like, people think, fuck that guy. 1.00

00:49:05.000 He's got this fucking TV show. 1.00

00:49:07.000 He's not even fucking funny. 0.99

00:49:08.000 You know, I remember when he first started, and I was fucking middling, and he was an open-miker. 0.98

00:49:12.000 Like, it doesn't matter. 0.94

00:49:13.000 It doesn't matter.

00:49:14.000 He's on TV now, and you're here.

00:49:15.000 Here's you.

00:49:17.000 When the guy says, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mike Custerfuck, and you go on stage, that's your time, dude.

00:49:23.000 That's it. 0.99

00:49:23.000 All that shit in between, don't do that. 0.99

00:49:27.000 It's not good. 1.00

00:49:28.000 It's a waste.

00:49:28.000 It's not good.

00:49:30.000 Dice gave me some good advice, too.

00:49:31.000 Dice is the reason why I started going on the road.

00:49:33.000 Oh, yeah?

00:49:34.000 Yeah.

00:49:34.000 I was doing just the store.

00:49:36.000 I would just do the store.

00:49:38.000 And then somewhere in the 90s, when I was on news radio, Dice goes, you're a funny guy.

00:49:41.000 You should do the road.

00:49:43.000 And I go, yeah?

00:49:44.000 And he goes, yeah.

00:49:45.000 You should do the road.

00:49:46.000 Why don't you do the road?

00:49:47.000 And I go, I don't know.

00:49:48.000 I mean, I'm always working here.

00:49:48.000 He goes, yeah, but you know what?

00:49:50.000 He goes, you got TV shows?

00:49:51.000 He goes, you're on TV? He goes, but what if that goes away?

00:49:54.000 He goes, you don't want to fucking need those guys. 0.98

00:49:56.000 He goes, you could do great. 0.98

00:49:58.000 You could have a great career on the road. 0.97

00:49:59.000 And I remember thinking, like, he's fucking right. 0.63

00:50:02.000 Like, what if TV shows go away? 0.99

00:50:04.000 Like, what if, you know, news radio gets canceled and then I can't get another show and then I'm fucked? 0.98

00:50:08.000 Like, I should go do the road. 0.97

00:50:09.000 And I started doing the road because of Dice.

00:50:11.000 100%, 100% his advice.

00:50:13.000 Now, did you fall into news radio on like a, did you go audition for that part and get it?

00:50:18.000 Yeah, I auditioned for it, yeah.

00:50:20.000 That was totally, you were just doing the audition game, you booked a show, and then, and...

00:50:26.000 I had a show before that.

00:50:27.000 It was a show that got canceled.

00:50:28.000 It was called Hardball.

00:50:30.000 That was on in 94. 93 or 94. And it didn't last.

00:50:34.000 It only went like six episodes.

00:50:35.000 I came out for that. 1.00

00:50:36.000 But when I was an idiot, you know, 25 or something, whatever the fuck I was, 26. And I thought, oh, this is definitely going to go. 0.99

00:50:44.000 I'm going to get an apartment.

00:50:45.000 So I leased an apartment.

00:50:47.000 And then I'm stuck here.

00:50:48.000 Once the show got canceled after six episodes, I was like, oh, great.

00:50:51.000 Now I'm stuck here.

00:50:52.000 And I didn't know what to do and I was trying to figure it out and I said, well, I guess I'll just stay for a while.

00:50:57.000 I was ready to go back to New York.

00:50:58.000 I hated it out here.

00:51:00.000 I hated working with actors. 0.99

00:51:02.000 Like, I couldn't believe how pretentious they were and ridiculous and pampered. 0.98

00:51:07.000 Like working with actors was fucking mind-boggling to me because I was used to comics who you know, especially like East Coast comics Constantly busting each other's balls always joking around and there was like a camaraderie with comics like we would go on the road together like comics would give each other taglines and We'd always say, 0.98

00:51:25.000 hey, that was a great set, you know, this and that, and ba-ba-ba, and, you know, there was, like, a feeling of, like, belonging. 0.99

00:51:30.000 And then all of a sudden, I was out here with these actresses, like, oh, God, I can't even talk to these fucking people. 1.00

00:51:36.000 They were all backstabby, and they would fuck with you before your scene and say creepy shit to you, and there was, like, there was so much weirdness. 1.00

00:51:46.000 There was just so much weirdness and fakeness. 1.00

00:51:49.000 They would say things that you know they didn't really mean.

00:51:52.000 They would love to say, like, they meet people, they had this fake way of talking, like, oh, nice to see you. 0.96

00:51:56.000 Like, it was like, there was like this fucking, they would pretend to be this person who's like super professional, so that they could get hired and do something else. 0.98

00:52:04.000 Meanwhile, they were a boiling cauldron of crazy under the service, just... 1.00

00:52:10.000 Just trying to keep it together until they fucking got into their car and just scream all the way home and then pop pills or do whatever the fuck they did. 1.00

00:52:17.000 So I got another development deal from the Hardball show. 1.00

00:52:22.000 I got a development deal with NBC and I was supposed to do my own show.

00:52:25.000 And then they brought me in.

00:52:27.000 They said, we would like to talk to you about something.

00:52:29.000 We got this other show that we're going to cast.

00:52:32.000 We're replacing one of the characters.

00:52:34.000 The original character was Ray Romano.

00:52:36.000 Is that right?

00:52:37.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:52:38.000 Yeah, Ray Romano was originally in the pilot.

00:52:41.000 And then he got fired from the pilot.

00:52:43.000 And they brought in a new guy to play the Ray Romano character in the pilot.

00:52:48.000 And then they got rid of that guy.

00:52:49.000 And so I felt better because I didn't replace Ray or replace the guy who replaced Ray.

00:52:54.000 And then they had auditions and I came in and I auditioned for it.

00:52:57.000 Wow.

00:52:58.000 That's amazing how stuff happens. 1.00

00:52:59.000 Stupid dumb luck. 1.00

00:53:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:53:01.000 Just dumb luck. 0.81

00:53:02.000 I remember being at the audition. 0.97

00:53:04.000 The first one was a cattle call. 0.99

00:53:05.000 It was like fucking hundred dudes. 0.98

00:53:06.000 And I was like, what are the odds of getting this? 1.00

00:53:08.000 Jesus Christ, look at all these fucking people. 0.99

00:53:09.000 I did the audition and it was not funny. 1.00

00:53:12.000 At all.

00:53:13.000 But they did it on purpose.

00:53:14.000 They literally wrote a script that wasn't funny. 0.98

00:53:17.000 Because they wanted to make sure people weren't like fucking hamming it up! 0.96

00:53:22.000 I wanted to make sure that people didn't try super hard to make something funny. 0.96

00:53:27.000 So then I got a callback and I was like, really?

00:53:31.000 I was like, okay.

00:53:33.000 So I went in for the callback and this time the script was hilarious.

00:53:36.000 And I was like, oh, I see what they did.

00:53:39.000 They weeded out all the hams.

00:53:41.000 They weeded out all the huck.

00:53:43.000 And I went to the script.

00:53:45.000 And it was me and two or three other guys that looked like they were about to go to NOM. They were pale and sweaty and nervous and going over their lines.

00:53:53.000 And I remember looking at these guys.

00:53:55.000 I'm like, oh, I got this.

00:53:57.000 So I plopped down the couch while these guys were going over the lines. 0.99

00:54:01.000 I put my fucking feet up. 0.99

00:54:02.000 I put my hands behind my head. 1.00

00:54:04.000 And I was like, look at you fucking pussies. 1.00

00:54:06.000 You guys are scared. 1.00

00:54:08.000 And because these guys were scared, I knew these were the only guys that were auditioning.

00:54:13.000 I was super confident, so I went in there, like, super relaxed, and I nailed it, and then I got it.

00:54:17.000 But it was just looking at those guys.

00:54:19.000 Looking at people that are scared can give you a lot of confidence.

00:54:22.000 Oh, yeah.

00:54:23.000 Especially if you hear it from the waiting room.

00:54:26.000 If you hear somebody else's audition, you're like, not even funny.

00:54:29.000 That guy's not even funny in there.

00:54:31.000 Yeah, they were like, they were just comic.

00:54:33.000 They were actors, rather.

00:54:34.000 They weren't comics.

00:54:36.000 They didn't know how to, and the writing was really good.

00:54:38.000 So I went from this show that was like the worst case show.

00:54:42.000 It was a terrible show.

00:54:43.000 The Harbaugh show.

00:54:44.000 It just wasn't good.

00:54:45.000 They brought in this like really bad guy who was like an executive producer of Coach.

00:54:49.000 Remember that show, Coach?

00:54:50.000 And he was like hamming it up. 1.00

00:54:51.000 Everything was just gross, shitty writing, real hacky premises, just garbage show. 0.98

00:54:57.000 And then from that to working with Phil Hartman and Dave Foley and Steven Rood, I was like, Jesus Christ. 0.99

00:55:04.000 Maura Tierney and Candy Alexander and Vicki Lewis.

00:55:07.000 I was like, this is nuts. 0.99

00:55:09.000 Just sitting at the fucking table with Phil Hartman, like reading with Phil Hartman. 0.99

00:55:13.000 Like, I'd only been doing stand-up for five years? 1.00

00:55:16.000 Yeah.

00:55:17.000 And all of a sudden, I'm sitting next to Phil Hartman at this table.

00:55:20.000 That's crazy.

00:55:21.000 Reading for this sitcom.

00:55:22.000 Like, this is madness.

00:55:23.000 This doesn't even make sense.

00:55:25.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:55:26.000 Just dumb luck. 0.98

00:55:27.000 Wow. 0.98

00:55:27.000 But you know what? 0.98

00:55:28.000 All that stuff was cool, but what was bigger to me was becoming a paid regular at the Comedy Store.

00:55:33.000 That was the biggest thing to me.

00:55:35.000 It was like, having a sitcom, that's all well and good. 0.99

00:55:37.000 But when I became a paid regular at the store, I was like, holy shit. 0.98

00:55:42.000 I remember going back to my apartment. 0.95

00:55:44.000 I had an apartment at the Oakwoods. 0.99

00:55:45.000 You know, those little shitty pre-fucking furnished apartments? 0.99

00:55:52.000 I used to go back to that shithole every night after I was a non-paid regular. 1.00

00:55:55.000 These depressing, farted-in couches. 0.98

00:55:58.000 In Burbank?

00:55:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:56:00.000 You know that, off Olive?

00:56:02.000 Yeah.

00:56:02.000 Yeah, that's where I used to live.

00:56:03.000 Corey Haim died there.

00:56:04.000 No.

00:56:05.000 At the Oakwoods?

00:56:07.000 Oakwoods.

00:56:07.000 Really?

00:56:08.000 Makes sense.

00:56:09.000 Doing drugs?

00:56:10.000 Yeah.

00:56:12.000 Wow.

00:56:12.000 Alright, well, I got there first.

00:56:16.000 I got there before he died.

00:56:18.000 Yeah, but once I became a paid regular at the store, that was everything to me.

00:56:22.000 That was, you know, I was in.

00:56:24.000 I was like, you know, you have like these little milestones.

00:56:27.000 You know, like getting a record with Warner Brothers, that was a milestone.

00:56:31.000 You know, you have these little things where you're like, okay, I guess I'm doing this.

00:56:35.000 I am actually doing this.

00:56:37.000 Because for a while, you feel like a fraud.

00:56:39.000 You know, for the first few years of your career, you're out there, you know, you just feel like a fraud.

00:56:44.000 And people want you to feel like a fraud, too.

00:56:47.000 Other comics want you to feel like a fraud. 0.99

00:56:49.000 Like, there's a lot of fucking crabs in a bucket going on in our business, especially early. 0.99

00:56:54.000 You know, you have crabs in a bucket, they just try to pull the other crabs down as they try to get out. 0.99

00:56:59.000 Yeah, that's why I kind of...

00:57:01.000 I just stayed...

00:57:01.000 I had a job working at the Four Seasons Hotel while I was doing the stand-up, so I had kind of like a separate group of friends at my job.

00:57:09.000 I didn't really hang out with a lot of comedians at night just because I was so involved at the Four Seasons during the day, and I was...

00:57:16.000 Hanging out with them after work.

00:57:18.000 Four Seasons out here?

00:57:19.000 Yeah.

00:57:20.000 Where's that at?

00:57:20.000 On Doheny.

00:57:22.000 Oh, okay.

00:57:23.000 Burton Way.

00:57:24.000 What'd you do over there?

00:57:25.000 I was in the Windows Lounge.

00:57:26.000 I was a cocktail waitress, basically.

00:57:30.000 I worked with about ten girls. 1.00

00:57:32.000 And me and another guy.

00:57:36.000 Did you put the sock in?

00:57:38.000 Of course.

00:57:39.000 So I got the jab. 0.83

00:57:40.000 Oh! 1.00

00:57:41.000 This fucking guy! 1.00

00:57:43.000 Oh! 1.00

00:57:45.000 So how long did you do that for?

00:57:47.000 Seven and a half years.

00:57:48.000 I started in 98 and then I left in 2005. Wow!

00:57:53.000 I mean that supplemented my income.

00:57:54.000 I wasn't the road guy.

00:57:57.000 I didn't really do a lot of feature work.

00:57:58.000 I just kind of honed it in here in Los Angeles.

00:58:02.000 And worked at the Four Seasons in the meantime, just kind of hoping something would break, just doing the Comedy Store and just local sets.

00:58:09.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:58:10.000 So where else did you, besides the store?

00:58:13.000 Well, I went to the Laugh Factory and Masada asked me, why?

00:58:17.000 Why are you angry?

00:58:19.000 Why are you so angry?

00:58:20.000 I go, what?

00:58:23.000 Sam Kennison, angry for a reason, but you...

00:58:27.000 Why was Sam Kinison angry for a reason?

00:58:29.000 I don't know.

00:58:30.000 He said he had a reason to his anger.

00:58:32.000 And my anger was displaced.

00:58:35.000 Well, you were mad at Ross Dress for Less.

00:58:38.000 I remember that bit. 0.99

00:58:40.000 You get fucking so angry at the messy Ross. 0.98

00:58:43.000 That was my first introduction to LA. I went to Ross Dress for Less with my father to buy bedding. 0.99

00:58:49.000 He came out here to visit.

00:58:50.000 He goes, let's go to Ross.

00:58:51.000 Get some pillows.

00:58:53.000 And we walked in. 1.00

00:58:54.000 We're like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:58:55.000 What's going on here? 0.99

00:58:58.000 He's on the So, it was a good bit, because it is true. 0.99

00:59:03.000 Anybody who's ever been there, the bit they used to do the way you would do it. 0.95

00:59:06.000 People would just take things and just start fucking throwing them. 0.92

00:59:09.000 Just chuck it across the room. 0.97

00:59:11.000 So, we're coming from the northwest suburbs of Chicago, you know, very neatly put together stores.

00:59:17.000 And now I went to the Ross on 3rd, and forget it.

00:59:21.000 I mean, it was just, it's like a hodgepodge of stuff over there.

00:59:24.000 There's like a bra mixed in with, like, games.

00:59:28.000 So, it was like, That's where that anger came from of like, God, I feel like a fish out of water.

00:59:34.000 That's the whole thing.

00:59:35.000 When I first came to LA, I didn't feel like I fit in.

00:59:38.000 I feel like I was, you know, I was the guy wearing the Cavaricis going to a nightclub at 17 years old.

00:59:44.000 I think the key is that everybody feels they don't fit in.

00:59:48.000 You know, everybody does in the beginning.

00:59:50.000 You can pretend, but you never...

00:59:52.000 I mean, I feel like I fit in now.

00:59:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:59:55.000 But it's a long time.

00:59:56.000 Yeah, it takes a while.

00:59:57.000 But in the beginning, I think everybody feels like they don't fit in.

00:59:59.000 I think one of the great things is what you're doing.

01:00:01.000 The Kill Tony.

01:00:04.000 That gives people an introduction.

01:00:06.000 to stand up and an introduction to like you know like you're in the big leagues like real real quick like you're on a podcast that gets seen by or listened to by hundreds of thousands of people and you're there with Don Marrera judging you and Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Silverman and all these different people that are really funny comedians are up like watching you do stand up putting you in these like super high-pressure situations you're doing one minute in front of a microphone and then you kind of get to say hi to those people they become They seem like normal.

01:00:34.000 I wish I had it when I was a kid.

01:00:36.000 Or when I started off.

01:00:37.000 Because that's so good for me.

01:00:40.000 Because they can have it on tape.

01:00:42.000 They can go over it.

01:00:43.000 They can have professional comedians dissect what they're doing wrong.

01:00:47.000 Instead of just doing it in front of two other comics that didn't even pay attention.

01:00:50.000 And you just go home and go, I think I did okay.

01:00:53.000 Yeah, those open mic nights where you're doing it, you're doing your act to a bunch of people who've seen your act, and they're comics.

01:00:58.000 You're like, ten people in the audience are all comics.

01:01:01.000 Those are brutal.

01:01:02.000 Half the shows are that, you know, you're an open mic.

01:01:04.000 I mean, when I started, it was Chris D'Elia, Dean Del Rey, me, and we'd go to the same four different open mics every day, and it was just like, oh, my audience lasts, you know, hour.

01:01:16.000 You know, it's the same audience over and over.

01:01:18.000 It's just an audience of five other comics that went from one open mic to another.

01:01:23.000 Yeah, that's where some comics, they fall into that trap of doing stand-up for the back of the room. 0.93

01:01:27.000 They do, like, really obscure shit that only the comics think is funny. 0.61

01:01:30.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:01:31.000 I mean, it's kind of practice, in a way.

01:01:34.000 You know, it gives you a way to figure out a way to make something funny out of this moment.

01:01:38.000 But it's not a real crowd. 0.99

01:01:40.000 You know, it's just, you're kind of, like, fucking around. 0.99

01:01:42.000 It's easy to fall into that and never get out of that, too. 0.99

01:01:44.000 I just had to make myself stop.

01:01:47.000 Like, I'm done with this.

01:01:48.000 I'm not going to HaHa Cafe anymore and spending $5 to go home to five minutes.

01:01:52.000 They charge you?

01:01:53.000 Yeah, a lot of places charge you.

01:01:55.000 HaHa used to be $5, but you got a beer, and you got to do five minutes.

01:02:00.000 And now you don't get a beer.

01:02:04.000 You just have to do $5, I guess.

01:02:06.000 Well, those clubs are barely hanging on, you know?

01:02:08.000 I mean, even the Ice House, which is like one of the best clubs in the world, they're kind of barely hanging on, you know?

01:02:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:14.000 What do you got two phones over there for you, fuck? 1.00

01:02:16.000 I got the new Samsung Note 5, Joe. 1.00

01:02:18.000 Ooh, how is it?

01:02:19.000 By the way, one of the first phones that I've ever had that I'm almost done with the iPhone after this phone.

01:02:25.000 Really?

01:02:25.000 It's got one of the most amazing cameras.

01:02:28.000 It's got all these really cool things.

01:02:29.000 Look at this.

01:02:30.000 If you're out and you're just like, oh, I need to write a note, you just take the pen out and you can be like, oh, you can just write it right here.

01:02:37.000 On the screen.

01:02:38.000 On the screen. 1.00

01:02:39.000 And then you can just be like, hey, you know, I gotta remember to eat this dick. 1.00

01:02:42.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:02:46.000 That's always a problem.

01:02:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:48.000 I can't remember to eat that dick. 1.00

01:02:49.000 It's crazy good. 1.00

01:02:51.000 I highly recommend this.

01:02:52.000 Really?

01:02:53.000 And it's got a feature in the camera where you can just broadcast right to YouTube.

01:02:58.000 So kind of like Periscope, you can just be like, boom, I'm broadcasting now on YouTube.

01:03:02.000 What?

01:03:03.000 Yeah.

01:03:03.000 It's built into the camera?

01:03:04.000 Yeah.

01:03:05.000 They've noticed how popular Periscope's been in live apps like that, so they've decided just to build it right into the operating system.

01:03:13.000 So now you can just broadcast live from it.

01:03:15.000 Is it better than the Edge?

01:03:17.000 Way better than the Edge.

01:03:19.000 I love this phone.

01:03:21.000 What's better about it?

01:03:22.000 The problem I had with the Edge is that while the Edge was neat to look at, the corners where it's wrapped around the side, I was constantly hitting buttons.

01:03:30.000 It also had a really sharp edge to it, you know, the feel of it, which this doesn't.

01:03:35.000 This is more like an iPhone, so it's nice and soft on the side.

01:03:38.000 Let me check that out.

01:03:38.000 Let me feel it.

01:03:39.000 Yeah, you can't beat the camera on the Samsung.

01:03:42.000 It seems smaller than an iPhone.

01:03:44.000 It is smaller than an iPhone.

01:03:46.000 It's thinner than an iPhone.

01:03:47.000 Oh, it's a good size for your hand.

01:03:49.000 My hands are pretty big.

01:03:50.000 Yeah.

01:03:51.000 But I can get this.

01:03:53.000 I could do like a one-handed text with this.

01:03:54.000 Easy.

01:03:55.000 Yeah, it's great.

01:03:56.000 Wow, dude.

01:03:57.000 This is pretty slick.

01:03:58.000 It also has the ability to edit PDFs.

01:04:01.000 So if somebody sends you a PDF and is like, hey, I need you to print this out and sign it, now you can just edit it right on the fly, send it back.

01:04:06.000 Yeah.

01:04:07.000 Really?

01:04:07.000 Which is cool.

01:04:09.000 I'm just amazed by the camera the most, though.

01:04:12.000 It was the first time that Samsung or any Galaxy phone actually had a camera that's, I think, better than the iPhone camera.

01:04:19.000 And what are you using for your provider?

01:04:27.000 T-Mobile.

01:04:28.000 And you like that?

01:04:28.000 I love T-Mobile.

01:04:29.000 I'm on a family plan, both of these phones.

01:04:31.000 I have unlimited data.

01:04:33.000 I think it's like $99 a month for both phones, unlimited data.

01:04:37.000 I'm looking through your Instagram.

01:04:38.000 It's hilarious who you follow. 0.99

01:04:40.000 Brian follows all girls that are sticking their asses out. 1.00

01:04:44.000 It's just a slew of girls sticking their asses out. 1.00

01:04:47.000 It's one after the other. 1.00

01:04:49.000 All these different skanks. 1.00

01:04:51.000 I say stanks.

01:04:52.000 Skanks, with all due respect... 1.00

01:04:54.000 We're all due respect, a bunch of whores. 1.00

01:04:57.000 A bunch of whores! 1.00

01:04:59.000 Wow, you got a lot of hot girls you're following, my friend. 1.00

01:05:02.000 Oh, yeah.

01:05:03.000 Are you single?

01:05:04.000 No, not anymore.

01:05:06.000 He got himself a girl.

01:05:07.000 Well, he's not married.

01:05:08.000 Yeah, I'm not married, though.

01:05:09.000 That's the way to go.

01:05:10.000 Even if you're not single, you're not married. 1.00

01:05:13.000 That's the thing about this fucking lady that's not marrying these gay people. 1.00

01:05:18.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

01:05:19.000 She's doing him a favor.

01:05:21.000 I'm like, don't do it.

01:05:22.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:05:23.000 You got it made, you fucks. 1.00

01:05:25.000 You got it made. 0.99

01:05:27.000 Right now it's illegal.

01:05:28.000 Well, now it is legal.

01:05:29.000 But for the longest time it was illegal. 0.98

01:05:32.000 And these guys had to go in there and fuck it up. 0.99

01:05:34.000 I can understand lesbians wanting to get married. 1.00

01:05:36.000 It's every girl's dream.

01:05:38.000 But come on.

01:05:39.000 These guys that are fighting for it?

01:05:41.000 It's too hot.

01:05:42.000 Just say you can't do it.

01:05:43.000 Like, wow.

01:05:44.000 It's like a marathon.

01:05:44.000 I can't do it.

01:05:45.000 I can't run it.

01:05:46.000 Just say it.

01:05:47.000 You don't have to do it.

01:05:49.000 Just do it root style.

01:05:50.000 Lay a broom on the ground.

01:05:51.000 Jump over it like Kizzy and Kunta Kinte did.

01:05:55.000 Joe, another cool thing about it, say like there's an interview of you and you're like, you know what, I want to save this interview.

01:06:03.000 It's on a website right now or something like that.

01:06:05.000 Oh, yeah, you circle it.

01:06:06.000 Yeah, it used to be, you know, take a screenshot or something.

01:06:08.000 They have this new thing called screen capture where what you do is screenwrite.

01:06:13.000 And so what it does is it takes a picture of it, then you can go advance it.

01:06:17.000 So it will scroll down automatically, take a picture, take a picture.

01:06:21.000 Take a picture.

01:06:21.000 So we'll go through the whole entire website, and now it just made it a huge JPEG. So you could have like a whole JPEG saved to your gallery.

01:06:28.000 So it saves websites, and then you could like write on it and send it to people if you wanted to. 0.97

01:06:32.000 Is that how the fat Jewish steals all of his stuff? 1.00

01:06:35.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:35.000 That's right. 1.00

01:06:36.000 Well, as soon as you took the pen out, it kind of lost me because it just seems like...

01:06:42.000 Annoying?

01:06:43.000 Well, there's a lot going on, man.

01:06:45.000 There's a lot going on.

01:06:45.000 I mean, I'm not that tech savvy.

01:06:47.000 But you don't have to take that out.

01:06:47.000 You're doing pens.

01:06:48.000 Well, honestly, I never even...

01:06:50.000 I always forget that there is a pen.

01:06:52.000 I never take it out.

01:06:53.000 You never use the pen?

01:06:54.000 No, and the new one just clicks in there, so it just snaps in.

01:06:58.000 Isn't there one that's waterproof, though, now?

01:07:01.000 They have a sport?

01:07:01.000 They have the Samsung S6... Edge Sport or something like that, which is just built a little bit more tough, and it's waterproof again.

01:07:10.000 I asked about that, and he says, yeah, it's just a more rugged phone, but this is a little bit...

01:07:15.000 How's the battery life in that thing?

01:07:16.000 Great, and it's got the new fast charger.

01:07:18.000 I have a charging pad now where I just go home and just set it on this table and then pick it up, so I don't have to plug it in anymore.

01:07:25.000 Yeah.

01:07:25.000 Now, do you have to put a special case on it to use that fast charge thing?

01:07:29.000 No.

01:07:29.000 The new Samsungs are built into the phone.

01:07:31.000 And you don't have to take off a normal case.

01:07:34.000 So if you have a case on it, you don't have to take it off.

01:07:35.000 It just goes through it.

01:07:36.000 So you just sit it down on the table.

01:07:37.000 Are you a convert?

01:07:38.000 I'm just amazed at the knowledge...

01:07:42.000 When I listen to the sales guy tell me the options, I'm not even there.

01:07:46.000 I'm just like, give me the phone, let me get out of here.

01:07:47.000 You actually retain the information. 1.00

01:07:50.000 Yeah, I love this shit. 0.99

01:07:51.000 Well, he goes online and he actually makes videos of these. 1.00

01:07:54.000 For the longest time before Amazon fucked him, he used to have this great thing he was doing where he would buy something, like buy a camera, and then he would review it and then put up a link from his Amazon, so if somebody bought it, he would get a kickback. 0.51

01:08:07.000 Oh, wow.

01:08:08.000 So I'd get free stuff, pretty much, because I would just do such good reviews on these cameras that so many people would click on it, it would pay for the camera.

01:08:14.000 So it was a way for me to get stuff like cameras and stuff I couldn't afford.

01:08:18.000 And how come they don't...

01:08:19.000 Why isn't that happening anymore?

01:08:21.000 What happened there?

01:08:21.000 I don't know.

01:08:22.000 They said that...

01:08:24.000 Somebody reported me as saying that I had porn on my website, and so they would go, oh, we can't have porn on the website.

01:08:30.000 I was making up to $7,000 a month in just that Amazon stuff.

01:08:37.000 You didn't really have porn on your website, did you?

01:08:39.000 No, it's just because it was Death Squad, and there was an episode that had a girl on it that was a porn star, and so they probably just went there.

01:08:45.000 That's all you need?

01:08:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:47.000 Fuck, wow. 1.00

01:08:48.000 You're making, like, bank off of that shit. 1.00

01:08:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:50.000 You ever try to get back in? 1.00

01:08:51.000 I need to.

01:08:52.000 Come on, Amazon. 0.76

01:08:54.000 Come on, Amazon. 0.76

01:08:55.000 Look it up. 1.00

01:08:56.000 Look it up, you fucks. 1.00

01:08:57.000 Now, didn't Apple come out with a bunch of new shit today? 1.00

01:08:59.000 Apple came out with a 12-inch iPad, so it's called an iPad Pro, which is just like a 12-inch laptop without a keyboard. 0.99

01:09:09.000 They also came with the iPhone 6S, which has a better front-facing camera now.

01:09:14.000 It's got a better processor.

01:09:16.000 It's got the Touch, 3D Touch.

01:09:18.000 What's that called?

01:09:19.000 It reacts when you touch it, you feel it.

01:09:21.000 Yeah, you can feel it.

01:09:23.000 They also released a new Apple TV, which is the thing that I am the most interested in because now it plays games, it does apps, and it's the first one to actually In the future, you're going to have a Joe Rogan app finally.

01:09:37.000 So when you're opening up your TV, you're like, oh, CNN. Oh, Netflix.

01:09:41.000 Oh, Joe Rogan.

01:09:41.000 So it's going to be like that.

01:09:43.000 So it's the first step into completely destroying the cable industry, I think.

01:09:49.000 Wow.

01:09:50.000 Well, I use Apple TV a lot now.

01:09:52.000 All the time. 0.96

01:09:52.000 I fucking love it. 0.96

01:09:53.000 It's got Netflix on it. 0.98

01:09:54.000 It has HBO Go on it.

01:09:56.000 You can get to those things.

01:09:57.000 And with shows like Narco or whatever, you don't need anything on regular TV anymore.

01:10:02.000 That alone is just...

01:10:03.000 I heard that Narco show is great.

01:10:04.000 Oh, it's beautiful.

01:10:05.000 It's like Goodfellas.

01:10:06.000 Is it?

01:10:06.000 It's so great.

01:10:07.000 Did you watch it?

01:10:08.000 I'm halfway in and I'm like, I'm in.

01:10:11.000 I mean, anything with drugs, voiceover, a guy with a mustache.

01:10:15.000 Jamie, see if you can find that article that was on Dig yesterday. 1.00

01:10:18.000 It was the narco traffickers on Instagram, all the shit. 1.00

01:10:22.000 There's a bunch of these Mexican narco guys have Instagram pages. 1.00

01:10:26.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:10:28.000 Just, like, they don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:10:30.000 They're just showing all the stuff they have. 1.00

01:10:31.000 They're showing gold-plated guns, girls' asses, it's just fucking them shooting guns, stacks of money, pet tiger, like, the whole deal. 1.00

01:10:41.000 Like, these guys are living like a goddamn Scarface movie. 1.00

01:10:44.000 They all have Scarface pictures. 0.99

01:10:45.000 Like, here's this one guy.

01:10:46.000 Yeah, that guy's a good guy.

01:10:48.000 Go to that guy's page.

01:10:49.000 If you click on that little Instagram thing, go to his page.

01:10:52.000 He's got, I mean, look, it's all booties, cars, look at that gold-plated pistol with a BMW. Yeah, you scroll down, you'll see more asses, more cars. 0.98

01:11:03.000 Look at that girl's ass. 1.00

01:11:04.000 Jesus, what an ass. 1.00

01:11:06.000 Fake as fuck. 1.00

01:11:07.000 That's fake as Nancy Reagan's orgasms. 1.00

01:11:09.000 Oh, what the fuck? 1.00

01:11:12.000 Look at that ass. 1.00

01:11:14.000 That can't be real, right? 1.00

01:11:15.000 I don't know.

01:11:17.000 Congratulations if it is real.

01:11:18.000 Well, she's got thick legs. 1.00

01:11:19.000 She might be doing squats. 1.00

01:11:21.000 A lot of booty shots.

01:11:23.000 Look, she's got a pet leopard over there. 1.00

01:11:25.000 Do you see the pet leopard?

01:11:27.000 Wow, look at that gun.

01:11:28.000 Go back to the Instagram.

01:11:29.000 What are you doing?

01:11:30.000 See the pet leopard?

01:11:31.000 Look at that.

01:11:33.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:11:33.000 Pet jaguar, leopard, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

01:11:35.000 Wow. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Look at this crazy bitch. 1.00

01:11:37.000 It's nuts. 1.00

01:11:38.000 Oh! 0.60

01:11:39.000 Daddy wants to eat. 1.00

01:11:44.000 It's fucking, but these guys are nuts, man. 1.00

01:11:47.000 They're just living this crazy life. 1.00

01:11:48.000 Just showing all the cool stuff that they have.

01:11:50.000 Look, he's got a pet leopard on his bed. 1.00

01:11:53.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

01:11:55.000 Dope AF. Dope as fuck. 1.00

01:11:57.000 Is this all drug money? 1.00

01:11:58.000 Mm-hmm.

01:11:58.000 Yeah.

01:11:59.000 Look at Scarface.

01:12:00.000 You gotta have a Scarface picture.

01:12:02.000 Yeah, there's all drug money.

01:12:03.000 I mean, there's a bunch of them.

01:12:04.000 There's quite a few.

01:12:05.000 There's got a pet tiger down there, a pet lion.

01:12:07.000 There's quite a few of these guys on Instagram that just only have...

01:12:12.000 Look at this guy. 1.00

01:12:13.000 He's fucking gold-plated AK-47. 1.00

01:12:15.000 Jeez. 1.00

01:12:15.000 Yeah, this guy's crazy. 1.00

01:12:17.000 He's got 21,000 followers. 0.98

01:12:18.000 Yep.

01:12:19.000 A lot of it's from Instagram.

01:12:20.000 Look at that guy.

01:12:21.000 I mean, a lot of it's from the dig story. 1.00

01:12:23.000 Look at that girl with the tits pointing the gun at him. 1.00

01:12:25.000 Wow. 1.00

01:12:26.000 Look at that up there. 0.96

01:12:29.000 Titties. 0.98

01:12:30.000 Titties and guns. 0.97

01:12:31.000 That's what's up.

01:12:32.000 Titties and guns and drums.

01:12:33.000 That's what's up.

01:12:34.000 Only 614 likes.

01:12:36.000 How rude.

01:12:36.000 That deserves a lot more likes.

01:12:38.000 That is a great picture.

01:12:40.000 And they managed to do it with no nipples. 0.93

01:12:42.000 Wow, yeah. 0.67

01:12:43.000 That's perfect. 0.98

01:12:44.000 Big titties. 0.99

01:12:45.000 Those are juicy titties. 0.99

01:12:49.000 My worst nightmare, haha. 1.00

01:12:51.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of her and of guns and all kinds of crazy shit, but these guys are out of their fucking mind. 1.00

01:12:56.000 I mean, this is the life they're living. 1.00

01:12:58.000 They're living this nutty narco life. 1.00

01:13:01.000 The amount of drug money that's in Mexico right now is just fucking insane. 0.99

01:13:06.000 They're making billions. 1.00

01:13:07.000 Look at that girl's ass down there. 1.00

01:13:09.000 Look at that guy bought him. 1.00

01:13:09.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:13:09.000 Blue girl's ass. 1.00

01:13:11.000 Jesus! 1.00

01:13:12.000 Jesus!

01:13:13.000 What is that? 1.00

01:13:14.000 What a fucking ass. 1.00

01:13:16.000 That can't be real. 1.00

01:13:18.000 That's a fake one. 1.00

01:13:19.000 That's a fake ass. 1.00

01:13:21.000 But whatever. 1.00

01:13:22.000 There's a lot of that lately.

01:13:24.000 I was in Vegas last week. 1.00

01:13:25.000 I saw a lot of fake asses. 1.00

01:13:27.000 Girls are getting carried away. 1.00

01:13:28.000 That's the new thing, man. 0.98

01:13:30.000 You know, like, they had, like, giant tits in the 90s were, like, really popular. 1.00

01:13:34.000 Girls would just get tits that are way too big. 1.00

01:13:36.000 That's what they're doing now with their asses. 1.00

01:13:38.000 Like, they don't match your legs at all. 1.00

01:13:40.000 You have the legs of a lazy girl and the ass of a fucking major league pulled vaulter. 1.00

01:13:46.000 Like some girl who can jump over the moon. 1.00

01:13:48.000 Bags of weed. 1.00

01:13:49.000 Look at that shitty weed. 0.99

01:13:50.000 Let me see this weed. 0.99

01:13:51.000 See, ladies and gentlemen, if weed was legal, this guy would not be making this kind of money.

01:13:56.000 Simple.

01:13:57.000 But it's true.

01:13:57.000 It doesn't look that good.

01:13:59.000 It's true.

01:13:59.000 This is what happened to...

01:14:01.000 You could tell good weed from just the bags?

01:14:03.000 Oh, 100%. 1.00

01:14:03.000 Yeah, that's shit weed. 1.00

01:14:04.000 Yeah, I see. 1.00

01:14:05.000 It looks like leaves and stems.

01:14:07.000 Well, it's just not American Californian weed, all right?

01:14:10.000 We do it the best out here.

01:14:11.000 We have botanists, all right?

01:14:13.000 They're growing that. 1.00

01:14:14.000 Avocado growers are making that shit. 0.99

01:14:16.000 But these dudes, there's a ton of these pages. 1.00

01:14:20.000 They're fun to watch.

01:14:22.000 There's a guy who makes a holster.

01:14:23.000 You see the cup holder?

01:14:25.000 There's a cup holder holster.

01:14:26.000 It pulls your cup holder off, and it fits right in place, and then it's like an actual click-in holster.

01:14:33.000 For the gun?

01:14:34.000 Yeah, for your pistol.

01:14:35.000 Look at that. 0.99

01:14:38.000 Titties! 0.99

01:14:39.000 Titties and guns. 1.00

01:14:40.000 This guy's got a gun pointing at his dick. 1.00

01:14:42.000 You might want to unload that. 1.00

01:14:44.000 It's interesting, this culture that has kind of come out of nowhere. 0.98

01:14:49.000 When I was a kid, I mean, shit, man, fucking 15 years ago, you used to be able to go to Cancun, you go to Mexico, nobody thought about, like, gang violence from drug dealers in Mexico. 0.98

01:14:59.000 You didn't think about it at all. 0.99

01:15:01.000 Well, was this going on at this level, or is it now just the internet is giving us a window into what was always kind of there?

01:15:09.000 No, the world of drug dealers in Mexico has changed radically over the last couple decades.

01:15:13.000 Radically.

01:15:14.000 That's pretty established.

01:15:15.000 I mean, they definitely always had something going on down there.

01:15:18.000 There was always something. 1.00

01:15:19.000 But guys like El Chapo, like that crazy fucker that got out of jail by digging a tunnel that's a mile long with an electric scooter inside of it. 1.00

01:15:27.000 They never found him, right? 1.00

01:15:28.000 No!

01:15:29.000 You're not going to find that guy.

01:15:31.000 He's figured out how to get away now. 1.00

01:15:33.000 He paid millions of dollars to have that fucking tunnel made. 1.00

01:15:37.000 You're not going to find him. 1.00

01:15:38.000 Beautiful tunnel, too.

01:15:39.000 I mean, it just had everything.

01:15:42.000 I think it had air conditioning down there.

01:15:44.000 Lights.

01:15:44.000 It was beautiful.

01:15:45.000 It had lights, ventilation.

01:15:47.000 Figured out how to put that electric bike so it would just zip out of there quick.

01:15:52.000 So once he got in there, he was gone.

01:15:55.000 And they're waiting for him a mile away in the house.

01:15:57.000 Tell me they didn't know that that was going on.

01:15:59.000 How many people knew that was going on? 1.00

01:16:01.000 How many times did they hear digging, and they just kept their fucking mouth shut? 0.99

01:16:04.000 Well, I mean, it was somebody else's house that he popped out of? 0.99

01:16:08.000 Mm-hmm.

01:16:09.000 Yeah.

01:16:09.000 It took a year to dig that tunnel, too.

01:16:13.000 I mean, it's hilarious.

01:16:14.000 The guy just goes into the hole in the ground where the shitter is. 0.97

01:16:16.000 He's got a little tiny wall, like this high, so that you can't see him taking a shit, so that you couldn't see the hole being dug either. 0.98

01:16:23.000 And then goes right in, and that's it. 0.98

01:16:26.000 All she wrote.

01:16:26.000 He's gone.

01:16:27.000 That's amazing.

01:16:28.000 Yeah, the whole world exists because of illegal drugs.

01:16:32.000 If drugs were legal in this country, there wouldn't be this gigantic demand and this ability to make insane amounts of money from these cartels.

01:16:40.000 But you make drugs legal in the United States, right?

01:16:43.000 Does the usage spike?

01:16:46.000 No.

01:16:46.000 Not according to other countries, not according to Portugal.

01:16:49.000 Portugal decriminalized everything and they saw a giant drop in HIV infection, giant drop in violent crime, giant drop in addiction.

01:16:57.000 You can't tell people what to do. 0.98

01:17:00.000 If we were in this room, this is my example, If this room was the whole world, or the guys in this room, and we were all hanging around and Brian wanted to smoke weed, and we're like, hey man, we got fucking laws. 0.98

01:17:10.000 You can't smoke weed, we're gonna lock you in jail. 0.97

01:17:12.000 That would be crazy, right?

01:17:14.000 Who would we be to tell you what you can't do?

01:17:17.000 That's the same thing with the world.

01:17:19.000 We're all just adults.

01:17:20.000 It's one thing whether or not it should be legal for children.

01:17:23.000 I don't think anything that fucks with your mind should be legal for kids.

01:17:26.000 You know, nothing. 1.00

01:17:27.000 Even fucking energy drinks. 1.00

01:17:29.000 Like monster energy drinks, red lines, all those crazy things. 1.00

01:17:32.000 You shouldn't have...

01:17:33.000 When you're 14 years old, you shouldn't give that to a kid. 1.00

01:17:35.000 They'll drink it and get a goddamn heart attack. 1.00

01:17:37.000 You shouldn't be able to fuck with their mind. 1.00

01:17:39.000 They shouldn't be able to smoke cigarettes. 1.00

01:17:40.000 They shouldn't be able to drink alcohol.

01:17:42.000 All that stuff should be illegal for growing minds, because it's dangerous.

01:17:45.000 But once you become an adult, you are...

01:17:48.000 You're as sovereign as I am.

01:17:50.000 I should be able to decide what goes in my body, what I do with my body.

01:17:54.000 As long as it's not hurting you...

01:17:56.000 Anybody that tells you differently, they're suppressing your freedom.

01:18:00.000 It's that simple.

01:18:01.000 Do I think you should do heroin?

01:18:02.000 No.

01:18:03.000 Do I think you should smoke meth?

01:18:04.000 No. 1.00

01:18:05.000 But if you want to do it, what the fuck am I to tell you not to do it? 0.99

01:18:08.000 It's none of my business. 0.99

01:18:09.000 It's not my business to tell you to not chew tobacco either. 0.99

01:18:12.000 I think chewing tobacco is fucking terrible for you. 1.00

01:18:15.000 I think smoking is terrible. 1.00

01:18:17.000 There's a lot of things that are terrible for you.

01:18:19.000 Pills, popping pills are terrible for you. 0.99

01:18:21.000 Eating shitty food is terrible for you. 0.99

01:18:23.000 I'm watching this documentary on sugar right now, and it's blowing me away. 0.99

01:18:27.000 It's blowing me away of how much processed sugar is in what people think is health foods, health drinks, and how much processed sugar is in people's diets.

01:18:37.000 There's a lot of things that are bad for you, but it's up to you to decide what to do and what not to do.

01:18:42.000 I think the problem is when companies lie about what things are good for you or not good for you, like what the tobacco company did for the longest time, those tobacco companies.

01:18:52.000 Lied about nicotine being addictive, cigarettes being addictive.

01:18:55.000 They just lied in order to keep making money.

01:18:58.000 That's bad.

01:18:59.000 You know, that's bad. 0.99

01:19:00.000 But once it's all out on the table, who gives a fuck? 0.99

01:19:03.000 If you want to smoke cigarettes, who am I? Unless you're my friend. 0.99

01:19:05.000 You know, I'll try to talk you out of it if you're my friend. 0.99

01:19:08.000 But if you're an adult, do whatever the fuck you want to do. 0.99

01:19:10.000 And I think it should be that with everything. 0.99

01:19:12.000 Everything.

01:19:13.000 Everything across the board.

01:19:15.000 When it comes to drugs?

01:19:18.000 I mean, where does the laws come in?

01:19:20.000 I think prostitution, same thing. 1.00

01:19:23.000 I think drugs and prostitution are the two stupidest fucking things to make illegal. 1.00

01:19:26.000 Especially prostitution, because it's legal to be promiscuous. 1.00

01:19:30.000 It's legal for a girl to just have sex with as many guys as she wants. 1.00

01:19:33.000 A girl could go to the Mondrian tonight and just suck 50 dicks and no one could say a goddamn thing about it. 1.00

01:19:38.000 She can come downstairs, who's next? 1.00

01:19:40.000 Who's next?

01:19:40.000 Who wants to do this?

01:19:41.000 But as soon as she starts getting paid for that... 1.00

01:19:44.000 Then it's illegal. 1.00

01:19:45.000 That's stupid. 1.00

01:19:46.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:19:47.000 It's dumb. 1.00

01:19:49.000 Willie D from the ghetto boy said it best. 1.00

01:19:51.000 You gotta let a hoe be a hoe. 1.00

01:19:53.000 He said that shit in the early 90s. 1.00

01:19:55.000 Just test them. 1.00

01:19:55.000 Have them test like porn stars. 1.00

01:19:57.000 Like once a month or once every 15 days. 1.00

01:19:59.000 Get a sex test.

01:20:01.000 They have to use condoms. 0.99

01:20:02.000 I mean, if you can trade a taco for sex, you should be able to trade $100 for sex. 0.96

01:20:08.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:20:08.000 It's just stupid. 1.00

01:20:09.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:20:10.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:20:10.000 You take a girl out to dinner and she fucks you. 1.00

01:20:12.000 I mean, a girl that normally wouldn't fuck you. 1.00

01:20:14.000 What is that? 1.00

01:20:15.000 Is that prostitution? 1.00

01:20:16.000 It kind of is. 0.95

01:20:17.000 You buy her a nice gift and she blows you. 1.00

01:20:19.000 What is that? 0.82

01:20:20.000 Is that prostitution? 1.00

01:20:21.000 Would she have blown you without that nice watch you bought her?

01:20:24.000 Probably not.

01:20:25.000 I know a lot of models that get paid, they'll get 20 models, send them to a party, and they're just there to make the party look hot and pretty. 1.00

01:20:35.000 But if they sleep with somebody at the party, that's the same thing as being a prostitute. 0.99

01:20:40.000 They got paid to be at this party. 0.99

01:20:42.000 Yeah, but it's their choice.

01:20:43.000 They're not exchanging money directly for sex.

01:20:46.000 And if they are, then it becomes illegal. 1.00

01:20:48.000 It's fucking stupid. 1.00

01:20:49.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:20:50.000 It's just sex. 1.00

01:20:51.000 Sex is great. 0.99

01:20:53.000 You should be able to buy it. 0.95

01:20:54.000 You should be able to buy it just like you can buy a massage. 0.99

01:20:56.000 How come you can buy a haircut if you can't buy a blowjob? 0.99

01:20:59.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.97

01:21:01.000 It's a service.

01:21:02.000 It is.

01:21:03.000 I mean, it shouldn't always be a service.

01:21:04.000 Like, if you love someone and you want to have sex with them, that's not the same, you know? 0.99

01:21:08.000 But the idea that sex is only for love, that's some Puritan bullshit. 1.00

01:21:13.000 It's stupid. 1.00

01:21:14.000 You should be able to do whatever you want, guys and girls. 1.00

01:21:17.000 You know, everybody.

01:21:20.000 The girl.

01:21:21.000 The girl that we were talking about that Tommy Bunz and I was talking about we were Ian Edwards and I were in Vegas and we're coming back and we ran into this girl that Ian knows she's a stripper and She had coffee with us at the airport at the little coffee bean thing and she was talking about working at the Rhino and that this I told the story the other day that this girl that she was with said how lucrative do you get?

01:21:47.000 She goes, what do you mean?

01:21:48.000 She goes, if dudes give me a lot of money, I'll be getting lucrative. 0.99

01:21:52.000 I'll go back to their hotel.

01:21:54.000 So that became, like, all weekend, I mean, all flight back, how lucrative do you get? 1.00

01:22:00.000 She was talking about her husband, who lets guys fuck him. 1.00

01:22:04.000 He's gay for pay. 1.00

01:22:06.000 Like, five guys run a train on him, but they have to give him, like, a lot of money. 0.97

01:22:11.000 That should be legal. 0.97

01:22:13.000 It should be goddamn legal. 0.97

01:22:15.000 That should be illegal. 0.99

01:22:15.000 No! 0.99

01:22:16.000 What if you were gay? 1.00

01:22:18.000 If you were gay, you would love it. 0.99

01:22:20.000 You would love it. 1.00

01:22:21.000 If you could pay some guy and fucking have him blow you, you'd be all excited. 1.00

01:22:26.000 You should be able to do it if that's what you want. 0.99

01:22:28.000 No one should be able to stop that.

01:22:31.000 If there's only this four people in this room and Jamie wants to pay you for head.

01:22:35.000 He gets it for free.

01:22:36.000 And you want to blow them.

01:22:39.000 Why should that be bad? 1.00

01:22:41.000 It's fucking childish. 1.00

01:22:43.000 This is all some ancient Puritan stupidity. 1.00

01:22:45.000 That's all it is. 1.00

01:22:46.000 It's just some ancient stupid shit that people have been clinging to forever. 1.00

01:22:50.000 No one should be able to tell anybody what to do if it doesn't hurt you. 1.00

01:22:53.000 If it doesn't hurt somebody else, if it doesn't hurt other people, you're not victimizing anybody. 0.80

01:22:57.000 It's one thing like the sex industry, like sex slaves and underage sex people. 0.99

01:23:03.000 That's a totally different story. 0.50

01:23:04.000 Like exploitation, that's a totally different story.

01:23:07.000 But some girl who just wants to get lucrative, how lucrative do you get? 1.00

01:23:12.000 Because I be getting lucrative.

01:23:14.000 Ha ha ha!

01:23:18.000 You should be able to do whatever you want.

01:23:21.000 We're a bunch of babies.

01:23:23.000 A bunch of grown-up babies. 0.99

01:23:24.000 You don't fuck around with drugs at all, huh? 0.99

01:23:27.000 Listen, I've done pot. 1.00

01:23:29.000 You've done the pot?

01:23:30.000 I've done the pot.

01:23:31.000 I've done the pot.

01:23:32.000 I shot a little pot in college.

01:23:35.000 No, listen, me, every once in a while, we'll fire it up.

01:23:39.000 Want some right now?

01:23:41.000 Glass tips.

01:23:42.000 What's that?

01:23:42.000 It's got a glass tip on it.

01:23:43.000 I feel like you got stuff that nobody else has.

01:23:46.000 You're right, I do.

01:23:46.000 What is that?

01:23:47.000 The only time I've seen a cork was in wine.

01:23:51.000 And you got it on...

01:23:52.000 You got to smell it.

01:23:52.000 Just smell it.

01:23:53.000 You get high.

01:23:53.000 Just smell it on that joint.

01:23:54.000 It has a glass tip in it as a filter.

01:23:58.000 Man, what is this?

01:24:00.000 That's real weed. 0.91

01:24:01.000 That's American weed, goddammit, from California.

01:24:03.000 You never used to do this, right? 0.90

01:24:06.000 You never used to be a pot guy.

01:24:07.000 When we were hanging out at the comedy store...

01:24:10.000 2000. 2000. That's when I started.

01:24:12.000 You flipped over, right?

01:24:14.000 Yeah.

01:24:14.000 Yeah, no, it smells good.

01:24:15.000 15 years.

01:24:16.000 15 years of steady.

01:24:18.000 Steady pot abuse.

01:24:19.000 You smoke pot every day?

01:24:20.000 No.

01:24:21.000 No.

01:24:21.000 Whenever I want to.

01:24:23.000 Well, what does it do for you?

01:24:24.000 A lot of things.

01:24:25.000 Makes me more creative.

01:24:27.000 Makes me relaxed.

01:24:30.000 Makes food taste better.

01:24:31.000 Makes sex feel better.

01:24:32.000 Makes movies more interesting.

01:24:34.000 I love to watch documentaries.

01:24:35.000 I get a little baked.

01:24:37.000 Watch documentaries, get nervous.

01:24:39.000 Wow.

01:24:40.000 Yeah.

01:24:41.000 Makes me creative, I'll tell you that.

01:24:42.000 Yeah?

01:24:42.000 I come up with a lot of crazy ideas when I'm high.

01:24:44.000 Like, some of my best ideas I come up with when I'm high.

01:24:47.000 Let's take a hit and see what happens to you. 0.84

01:24:49.000 Wanna try it?

01:24:49.000 No, I'll touch it.

01:24:51.000 No, I'm good, I'm good.

01:24:53.000 I feel like if I have that...

01:24:55.000 You're right.

01:24:56.000 Like, I couldn't drive home.

01:24:58.000 Oh, you definitely could.

01:24:59.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:25:00.000 Just wouldn't go well.

01:25:01.000 Nipples will be out. 1.00

01:25:02.000 Nipples will come out. 1.00

01:25:03.000 He'll drive right to Melrose.

01:25:04.000 Where's the store?

01:25:06.000 Where's the store?

01:25:07.000 I bought it right.

01:25:07.000 It was right here yesterday.

01:25:09.000 I swear I remember it.

01:25:11.000 Like, every once in a while we'll do it.

01:25:13.000 Just, you know, if it's there, well, me and my wife will...

01:25:16.000 Yeah, that's when it's fun.

01:25:17.000 You do it, you and the wife, don't get crazy, don't get paranoid. 0.95

01:25:20.000 Take, like, one hit and you have the best sex ever.

01:25:23.000 You, like, rediscover each other. 0.86

01:25:24.000 I love it.

01:25:25.000 Especially edibles.

01:25:26.000 A little edible.

01:25:27.000 Just not...

01:25:28.000 Don't get terrified.

01:25:30.000 You know, just, you know, have a little peace.

01:25:32.000 What do you got?

01:25:33.000 What's the recommendation?

01:25:34.000 What do you, uh...

01:25:35.000 I got everything.

01:25:36.000 I got it all here.

01:25:37.000 What do you want?

01:25:37.000 You tell me.

01:25:38.000 Can I get, like, a little, uh...

01:25:39.000 How high do you want to get?

01:25:41.000 Give me something I could eat with my wife. 0.98

01:25:44.000 Okay, Jamie.

01:25:44.000 Well, after the show, we'll hook them up.

01:25:46.000 We got a bunch of stuff here.

01:25:47.000 Yeah?

01:25:47.000 Yeah, people keep giving it to me.

01:25:49.000 I got a bunch of good stuff. 0.99

01:25:50.000 These jambos, he's in the shit right here. 0.99

01:25:52.000 A whole box of it right here. 0.99

01:25:54.000 Alright, what's this?

01:25:55.000 I got all kinds of things in here.

01:25:57.000 What are those?

01:25:58.000 Um, awesomeness.

01:26:00.000 Yeah, that's for you.

01:26:01.000 That's for you.

01:26:03.000 Don't get crazy, though.

01:26:04.000 Don't eat too much of those healthiest edibles.

01:26:06.000 Listen, cookie, though. 1.00

01:26:08.000 This is the shit, Jambos. 1.00

01:26:09.000 Oh, they're truffles. 1.00

01:26:10.000 But, but, but, but, but, I will warn you right now.

01:26:14.000 Gentle baby steps.

01:26:15.000 Like one?

01:26:16.000 Oh, dude, don't even eat the whole thing.

01:26:18.000 Okay.

01:26:18.000 Just take little bites.

01:26:20.000 Find your way.

01:26:21.000 Find your way, grasshopper.

01:26:22.000 How about this?

01:26:23.000 Jesus.

01:26:23.000 Look at this.

01:26:23.000 Look at this shit.

01:26:25.000 What's that? 1.00

01:26:27.000 Consume half a truffle for the first time.

01:26:29.000 What's that?

01:26:30.000 What is that?

01:26:31.000 Supercharged butter.

01:26:34.000 What do you put this on?

01:26:35.000 Toast in the morning?

01:26:37.000 Popcorn.

01:26:37.000 Yes, you do.

01:26:39.000 Put that on your popcorn. 1.00

01:26:41.000 You fucking go right to Pluto. 1.00

01:26:42.000 Really? 0.99

01:26:42.000 Yeah, go see Star Wars. 0.99

01:26:43.000 When the new Star Wars comes out, melt that butter, bring it with you.

01:26:48.000 Or just use it and look at the old one.

01:26:50.000 I think it's the new one.

01:26:52.000 Use that.

01:26:53.000 Star Wars will become... 1.00

01:26:54.000 You'll be like, first of all, this movie is fake as fuck. 0.99

01:26:58.000 But when you take that home, really, trust me, gentle. 0.99

01:27:02.000 Gentle meaning like just a nibble.

01:27:04.000 Like a fingernail, like a pinky fingernail, like a pinky nail.

01:27:07.000 Alright.

01:27:08.000 That's the size piece you want to try.

01:27:09.000 Okay.

01:27:10.000 Don't get crazy.

01:27:11.000 I'm not kidding, man. 1.00

01:27:12.000 These things will fuck you up, man. 0.99

01:27:14.000 Wow, this is great. 0.99

01:27:15.000 It has MCT coconut oil in it, and it's grass-fed.

01:27:18.000 Well, Jambos is my favorite, because these guys are making, it's all organic, all healthy, no processed sugar, no high fructose corn syrup. 0.98

01:27:26.000 Everything they make is, like, very good for you and puts you on fucking Pluto! 0.96

01:27:31.000 Gluten-free, too. 1.00

01:27:33.000 That's right, bitch. 1.00

01:27:34.000 No gluten. 1.00

01:27:35.000 You don't want gluten when you're getting so high you want to die.

01:27:39.000 It's the last thing you want to do is be thinking about, I had the gluten.

01:27:42.000 I was doing so good.

01:27:43.000 I think I'm going to go back to gluten-free.

01:27:45.000 Wow. 0.99

01:27:46.000 I get a fucking problem with pasta, dude. 0.99

01:27:49.000 Well, what's the problem? 1.00

01:27:50.000 The guinea in me.

01:27:51.000 Is it a stomach issue?

01:27:52.000 I love it!

01:27:53.000 No, it makes you fat.

01:27:54.000 It's not good for you.

01:27:57.000 I'm pretty objective about what happens when I eat food.

01:28:00.000 Like some foods have a reaction that I don't necessarily like.

01:28:03.000 I don't like the physical reaction.

01:28:05.000 Like look, if I eat salads, just like a nice healthy salad and a piece of steak or a piece of meat or a piece of fish, I feel great.

01:28:12.000 I have no problems.

01:28:13.000 But if I eat like a big bowl of pasta, like I'm a sucker for like linguine with clams, That brick in my stomach.

01:28:22.000 It feels awesome when it's going down.

01:28:24.000 When I'm eating it, I'm like...

01:28:25.000 I can barely breathe.

01:28:27.000 I'm just...

01:28:28.000 It's so good!

01:28:31.000 It's so good!

01:28:32.000 But after it's over, you're just like... 0.96

01:28:34.000 With your body, your fucking insulin spiking, and your body's trying to process all that dough that's sitting in the bottom of your stomach, and your body just turns it into straight sugar. 0.97

01:28:43.000 I mean, you might as well be eating bowls of sugar when you eat a big plate of pasta. 0.99

01:28:48.000 No, I had a sensitivity test, like a blood sensitivity, and I have a sensitivity to those products.

01:28:54.000 And when I do eat it, it's a problem.

01:28:56.000 Listen, I was eating cheese, breads, pasta for years.

01:29:01.000 It had bloatedness, and I don't mean to get gas like you wouldn't believe, right?

01:29:07.000 Yeah.

01:29:07.000 And I just thought, alright, this is part of aging.

01:29:11.000 You know?

01:29:11.000 Just ripping them and going, okay, this is what happens when you become 40. So I went to get the test and I eliminated it out of the diet.

01:29:19.000 I dropped some weight and I don't have that You know, like you're saying, you have a nice salad, nice steak.

01:29:26.000 It's nice.

01:29:27.000 You don't feel exhausted, but I have a bowl of pasta.

01:29:30.000 Forget it.

01:29:31.000 I'm napping.

01:29:32.000 It's so good, though.

01:29:34.000 Bread is so good.

01:29:36.000 When you go to an Italian restaurant and they come with that bread, they get that basket of bread and the butter.

01:29:40.000 Unlimited breadsticks. 1.00

01:29:41.000 And the fucking olive oil. 1.00

01:29:43.000 Oh, forget it. 1.00

01:29:45.000 Forget it.

01:29:46.000 But it's just so bad for you. 0.98

01:29:47.000 I mean, it's not the worst shit in the world for you, but I think I'm going to give myself just a cheat day a week, and then for the rest of the week, I think I'm just avoiding gluten from now on. 0.95

01:29:57.000 Well, just I'm going to avoid breads and processed sugars. 0.61

01:30:00.000 I just work out so much, and I take such good care of my body that those things, that when I do those things, I'm going to limit my alcohol consumption to one day a week.

01:30:12.000 I've cut mine in half in the last two weeks.

01:30:15.000 So like 50, 60 drinks a week now?

01:30:16.000 70 to 80 drinks.

01:30:19.000 What's your drink?

01:30:20.000 You got like a go-to?

01:30:21.000 Everything.

01:30:21.000 Turkey, ginger.

01:30:23.000 Wild turkey.

01:30:23.000 Wild turkey and ginger ale?

01:30:24.000 That's your shit? 1.00

01:30:25.000 Yeah, ginger ale helps with the stomach. 1.00

01:30:27.000 It's not a bad drink.

01:30:28.000 Let's get a drink right now. 1.00

01:30:29.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:30:30.000 God, it sounds... 1.00

01:30:33.000 I'm going the other way.

01:30:34.000 I'm just gonna drink till I die.

01:30:35.000 I'm gonna go Bukowski style. 1.00

01:30:37.000 Just fucking get a big fat booty. 1.00

01:30:38.000 I was going there for a while. 1.00

01:30:40.000 Were you?

01:30:40.000 Yeah, I was just, you know, deep drinking.

01:30:44.000 You gotta get off the cancer sticks, kid.

01:30:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:30:48.000 But drinking was way more, like, I've been destroying myself drinking, like, the last six months.

01:30:55.000 Is it just hanging out at the store? 0.99

01:30:56.000 Hanging out at the store, you know, just the shit I've been dealing with, I'm just like, fuck it, I'm just going all in drinking. 0.99

01:31:06.000 Being out of it, what's really nice is waking up though and just going, oh yeah, I don't have a hangover. 0.99

01:31:11.000 I forgot.

01:31:12.000 That's so great.

01:31:13.000 I thought that this morning.

01:31:14.000 I've been waking up at 7 in the morning.

01:31:16.000 This morning I woke up, got the girls ready for school, and then took a yoga class and I feel like a winner. 0.98

01:31:22.000 I just feel like I'm fucking productive. 0.92

01:31:25.000 Why ruin that? 0.97

01:31:25.000 Why ruin that with beverages at night? 0.97

01:31:27.000 Exactly.

01:31:27.000 It's hard, though, at the Comedy Store.

01:31:29.000 I just stopped going to the Comedy Store half the time now.

01:31:32.000 Yeah, you know what, though, man?

01:31:33.000 I go and smoke a little weed and drink water.

01:31:36.000 I do that, you know?

01:31:37.000 Because the weed just doesn't affect, especially those vapor pens.

01:31:39.000 I love vapor pens now.

01:31:41.000 That's my new way to do it.

01:31:42.000 Me too, man. 0.99

01:31:43.000 No coughing, no nothing, no weirdness, and the ones that fucking Gino has from LA Speedweed? 0.97

01:31:49.000 Jesus, that man has good products. 0.94

01:31:52.000 I just did a Playboy interview for him, or with him, for his business, and he showed me all his new products.

01:31:58.000 He has these pins where, you know, rechargeable batteries, and you just buy a new tank, and it's 500 hits per tank, and I think he said it was like 40 bucks or something.

01:32:06.000 It's so much better, and you can just do it in public because it doesn't smell like weed.

01:32:10.000 It smells like strawberries.

01:32:11.000 Yeah, it smells like strawberries.

01:32:13.000 It's got some that smell like strawberries.

01:32:14.000 People think you're smoking some sort of a tobacco product.

01:32:17.000 And the glass tips that he sells, once you go glass tip, it's really hard to go back to those little paper ones.

01:32:22.000 It's like you start getting spoiled.

01:32:25.000 Glass tips.

01:32:26.000 Let me tell you something about glass tips. 1.00

01:32:27.000 When I grew up in fucking Northburg in New Jersey, there was no glass tips, cocksucker. 1.00

01:32:31.000 You took your fucking weed. 1.00

01:32:32.000 When the weed came your way, you took what you got. 1.00

01:32:35.000 Fucking kids and their glass tips. 1.00

01:32:37.000 I got a glass tip. 1.00

01:32:38.000 I'll stick it right up your ass. 1.00

01:32:40.000 Your fucking glass tips. 1.00

01:32:42.000 Nothing like doing an interview, though, with a publication like Playboy and then being so stoned, though, that halfway through you're just like, huh? 1.00

01:32:49.000 What did I talk about?

01:32:51.000 Did you get stoned before you did the Culture High, before you did that interview?

01:32:55.000 Yeah, all of them, yeah.

01:32:56.000 I was sick before I did the Culture High interview. 0.99

01:32:58.000 When I listen to it now, I'm like, wow, my voice is all fucked up. 0.98

01:33:01.000 I was flying from gig to gig. 0.98

01:33:03.000 I was in Edmonton doing stand-up.

01:33:06.000 When I did that.

01:33:06.000 That's a great documentary though.

01:33:08.000 Yeah, I just re-watched it the other day. 0.99

01:33:10.000 That guy, Adam Scorgy, he knows what the fuck... 0.99

01:33:12.000 And Brett, they know what they're doing. 0.99

01:33:13.000 They nailed it.

01:33:14.000 What's it called?

01:33:15.000 It's called The Culture High.

01:33:16.000 Culture High.

01:33:18.000 Yeah, it's about...

01:33:18.000 Well, they did this documentary called The Union, which is all about the business of marijuana in British Columbia and how it's such a part of the economy.

01:33:28.000 If you pulled weed out of British Columbia, the economy would fall apart. 0.68

01:33:32.000 Like Vancouver, like that area, is almost entirely dependent upon weed.

01:33:36.000 It's a staple of their economy. 1.00

01:33:38.000 And if you pulled it out of there, like the money, they would be fucked. 0.99

01:33:41.000 And it just showed, it highlighted the silliness about marijuana illegalization. 0.99

01:33:47.000 Like how crazy it is that grown adults can't have this one drug that has zero side effects.

01:33:53.000 Doesn't kill anybody.

01:33:55.000 This one drug that has all these medical benefits, this one drug that helps all these kids with autism and people with wasting disease and glaucoma, intraocular pressure reliever, all these different things that it does for you and it's illegal. 0.95

01:34:08.000 But then, you know, look at all the stuff that is legal and how all the side effects of all the shit that marijuana would replace. 1.00

01:34:15.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:34:16.000 Well, they went into it way deeper with the culture high, and the culture high just showed how fucking insane it is and how much bullshit is being spread about what addiction really is. 1.00

01:34:27.000 Like, people say that weed is addictive, which is why I got so mad at fucking Dr. Drew. 0.99

01:34:31.000 Like, all this addiction nonsense. 0.98

01:34:33.000 There's no physical addiction properties in marijuana.

01:34:35.000 It just doesn't exist. 1.00

01:34:37.000 What the addiction is is the same addiction that you would have if you were addicted to anything, whether it's gambling or jerking off or fucking people are addicted to all kinds of crazy shit. 0.99

01:34:46.000 Those thrill seekers like that kid that was on that skateboard, guarantee that kid's addicted to adrenaline. 0.99

01:34:51.000 Yeah, I mean, when you see the people, though, that smoke the marijuana where they're like having a joint and they have a second joint ready just for it, if they didn't have joints, it would have been something else.

01:34:59.000 Yeah.

01:35:00.000 So that's not...

01:35:01.000 How many people do we know that are like that with food?

01:35:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:04.000 We know guys that are like that with food, that literally they will stuff their fucking faces until they die. 1.00

01:35:09.000 They just get addicted to food. 1.00

01:35:11.000 Same thing.

01:35:12.000 They pass by a jack-in-the-box. 0.99

01:35:13.000 They can't help it.

01:35:14.000 They find themselves in that drive-in.

01:35:16.000 Their heart rate is increasing.

01:35:17.000 And they start ordering food.

01:35:19.000 They know they shouldn't eat.

01:35:21.000 It's the same thing. 1.00

01:35:22.000 People get addicted to shit. 1.00

01:35:24.000 It's just a part of being a person. 1.00

01:35:28.000 You know? 1.00

01:35:28.000 Taking that away from people is just stupid. 1.00

01:35:31.000 You can do whatever you want. 1.00

01:35:33.000 If you want to, you know, you want to fucking go pole vaulting, you want to walk on a tightrope, you can do it. 0.94

01:35:38.000 You can do all that stuff. 0.96

01:35:39.000 Do whatever you want to do.

01:35:40.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:35:41.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:35:42.000 Open and free.

01:35:43.000 You want to take a little cookie dough, a little fingernail, do it.

01:35:46.000 Careful.

01:35:46.000 Be careful with that though.

01:35:48.000 I don't want to see you in a week from now.

01:35:50.000 The way you're talking about this, I ain't doing it.

01:35:53.000 You gotta do it.

01:35:54.000 Because my fingernail might be longer than yours.

01:35:58.000 Your fingernail.

01:35:59.000 I'll have a little bit and I'll be convulsing in my driveway.

01:36:05.000 You'll be fine.

01:36:06.000 I've just been real nervous for a while.

01:36:09.000 A couple hours.

01:36:10.000 I took a candy flip the other day by mistake.

01:36:12.000 I didn't know it was a candy flip.

01:36:13.000 I thought it was just ecstasy.

01:36:15.000 But it was acid and ecstasy.

01:36:17.000 And wow.

01:36:18.000 I highly recommend that.

01:36:19.000 That is cool.

01:36:20.000 Don't tell that to the kids.

01:36:23.000 What about the children, Brian?

01:36:24.000 Allegedly.

01:36:25.000 See, that's another thing.

01:36:27.000 How come that's not legal?

01:36:28.000 How come what you did is illegal?

01:36:29.000 I don't know.

01:36:30.000 There should be places where you can go and you could legally candy flip.

01:36:33.000 Yeah.

01:36:33.000 Like, there's doctors there, padded walls, the whole deal.

01:36:37.000 That's great.

01:36:37.000 What a great combo, having hallucinogens with something that makes your body feel amazing.

01:36:42.000 I mean, I just sat there and soaked in the girl the whole time, and we're just like...

01:36:46.000 That's great.

01:36:48.000 There you go.

01:36:48.000 Look at that.

01:36:49.000 See?

01:36:49.000 Hey, I'm learning stuff left and right.

01:36:51.000 Candy flip?

01:36:53.000 You never heard about that?

01:36:54.000 I don't live in these circles.

01:36:56.000 Come on, what circles do you live in?

01:36:57.000 A bunch of waders? 0.61

01:37:00.000 Sitting around talking about nipple shirts?

01:37:04.000 Furniture shopping with dice.

01:37:06.000 It's the best thing you could do with your wife or girlfriend because it's just like truth serum and then you add the acid to it and now it's like you're in Alice in Wonderland.

01:37:15.000 I can't do this, man.

01:37:17.000 Too much?

01:37:17.000 Too much truth?

01:37:18.000 Too much.

01:37:19.000 And it's just too much going on.

01:37:21.000 I've always had a fear of doing any of these things because I feel the time I do it, my body reacts to it and people are going to go, we've never seen this happen before with a candy flip.

01:37:31.000 Guy's foaming at the mouth and he's losing blood.

01:37:35.000 I've always had that fear, so I don't do any of it.

01:37:40.000 I just have a nice cabernet.

01:37:43.000 That's my candy flip.

01:37:45.000 That's not bad.

01:37:45.000 That's the end of that.

01:37:47.000 If you get crazy, you'll take a shot of Jack?

01:37:50.000 I like Patron.

01:37:52.000 Tequila.

01:37:53.000 Very smooth, especially when it's cold.

01:37:55.000 Yeah, that's about as far as I go.

01:37:57.000 No Coke?

01:37:58.000 No, never did it.

01:37:59.000 Never?

01:38:00.000 Never.

01:38:00.000 Why did you always talk about your fingernails then?

01:38:02.000 How did you know that then?

01:38:03.000 What do you mean?

01:38:04.000 I saw his fingernail.

01:38:05.000 Mine's longer.

01:38:07.000 No.

01:38:07.000 It's Coke now.

01:38:09.000 A little bit.

01:38:10.000 My fingernail is a little bit longer.

01:38:12.000 Could be a little longer.

01:38:13.000 No, I've never done it.

01:38:15.000 I did...

01:38:16.000 What did I do?

01:38:19.000 I did mushrooms once in college.

01:38:21.000 Only once?

01:38:22.000 Yeah, and I don't know what was going on.

01:38:24.000 I had a full...

01:38:25.000 I was freaking out, and people had to talk me down.

01:38:28.000 I don't know what was going on.

01:38:29.000 So I was like, this ain't for me.

01:38:31.000 You ate too much.

01:38:32.000 Yeah.

01:38:33.000 Well, they gave me it in a sandwich.

01:38:35.000 Yeah.

01:38:35.000 And the guy, apparently when you first do this stuff, you're supposed to do it with somebody.

01:38:40.000 And the guy left me.

01:38:41.000 And I was the president of my fraternity at the time.

01:38:44.000 So I'm walking around the house and the alumni is going, what's going on with the chapter?

01:38:49.000 Why are we in debt?

01:38:50.000 And I'm like...

01:38:52.000 Sweating.

01:38:53.000 And I had to go back to my room and by myself was in the room hoping that this kind of would end because I thought I was going to be this way for the rest of my life.

01:39:02.000 That's where I was.

01:39:03.000 So I was like, I ain't doing this.

01:39:04.000 This ain't for me.

01:39:06.000 And ever since then, a little wine.

01:39:09.000 A little Cabernet.

01:39:10.000 A little Cabernet.

01:39:11.000 And we'll call it a night.

01:39:13.000 I'll do a jambo with my wife maybe on vacation.

01:39:16.000 We'll see how this does.

01:39:17.000 You guys can have a little bit of that.

01:39:18.000 Just take a half.

01:39:19.000 Yeah.

01:39:20.000 No, no, no.

01:39:20.000 Don't listen to him.

01:39:23.000 This is a good measurement.

01:39:25.000 The top of a USB stick.

01:39:27.000 That metal piece, that's the standard.

01:39:30.000 That's what you want.

01:39:31.000 That's what you want.

01:39:32.000 Nothing bigger than that.

01:39:34.000 Look at that and chop that off. 0.99

01:39:36.000 Cut that off. 0.78

01:39:37.000 Cut that size of a piece off.

01:39:39.000 And then take a little time.

01:39:41.000 Like, give it an hour and a half.

01:39:42.000 And then if you feel like, I can go deeper.

01:39:45.000 Then take one and a half of those.

01:39:47.000 Just don't get crazy. 0.97

01:39:48.000 Where people fuck up is they go too deep and then they never want to do it again. 0.84

01:39:51.000 They miss all the benefits. 0.98

01:39:53.000 Girls that don't smoke weed usually have, oh, every time I smoke, I have a panic attack. 1.00

01:39:57.000 How much do you smoke?

01:39:58.000 Oh, like a joint?

01:39:59.000 And I'm like, yeah, why didn't you just have one hit? 1.00

01:40:01.000 If you don't smoke weed and you get into this California shit that Gino's pushing, woo! 1.00

01:40:06.000 But it's a psychedelic. 1.00

01:40:08.000 It really is.

01:40:09.000 I mean, this new marijuana, in the right dose, is absolutely a psychedelic, especially if you eat it. 1.00

01:40:15.000 I see some insane shit in my tank. 0.99

01:40:19.000 When I eat the weed, I get the wild, wild visualizations. 0.99

01:40:24.000 I mean, it might as well be on mushrooms.

01:40:27.000 You know, the combination of the sensory deprivation tank and then the weed together...

01:40:33.000 No yoga, Sebastian?

01:40:34.000 No nothing?

01:40:35.000 You're fit.

01:40:36.000 You look like a fit guy.

01:40:37.000 I keep in shape, but I'd like to get into yoga.

01:40:40.000 The older I get, the more I think I should get into yoga.

01:40:44.000 I have severe back problems.

01:40:46.000 It'll help tremendously.

01:40:47.000 I've heard.

01:40:48.000 It's great for the back.

01:40:50.000 My posture.

01:40:51.000 I'm slumping.

01:40:52.000 I feel like I'm devolving.

01:40:54.000 Do you live in the city?

01:40:54.000 Where do you live?

01:40:55.000 I live in West Hollywood area. 0.99

01:40:56.000 Yeah, there's a great, uh, that Bikram's yoga on La Cienega, that's the Bikram, that crazy fucker who's, um, like, he's always been charged with, like, sexual assault and all kinds of weird shit. 0.99

01:41:07.000 I don't know what the fuck the guy did or didn't do, but highly regarded as a yoga instructor. 0.98

01:41:12.000 Supposed to be kind of a... 0.99

01:41:13.000 Kind of douchey human.

01:41:15.000 That's the heat? 0.81

01:41:16.000 The hot yoga?

01:41:17.000 Yeah, that's what I do.

01:41:18.000 I do that stuff.

01:41:20.000 You know, one of the reasons why I do it is because Rhonda Patrick, the doctor that I have on the podcast a bunch of times, she talks about the benefits of sauna, about heat shock, like heat shock proteins.

01:41:31.000 And when your body heats up like that, there's a compensatory response that your body's like, holy shit, we're dying.

01:41:38.000 We have to produce something to deal with this. 0.92

01:41:41.000 And that...

01:41:43.000 That response, I guarantee you that's a similar thing to what you get when you do hot yoga. 1.00

01:41:47.000 Because when I do that shit, I'm high for like the rest of the day. 1.00

01:41:50.000 It sucks while you're doing it, man. 1.00

01:41:52.000 Whatever bitch you have in you, that fucking last 15-20 minutes of yoga class will pull it out. 1.00

01:41:58.000 Because that's the hardest, one of the hardest things I do. 1.00

01:42:02.000 Like it's an hour and a half class, the last 15-20 minutes, I am fucking sweating like a pig. 0.98

01:42:09.000 I'm overheating like crazy. 0.95

01:42:10.000 But when you get out of there, you feel like you really did something.

01:42:13.000 And you feel great.

01:42:14.000 You feel like loose and pliable.

01:42:16.000 Yeah, I need that.

01:42:17.000 I need that pliability.

01:42:18.000 I feel tight.

01:42:20.000 Yeah, especially as you get older. 0.94

01:42:21.000 Does it smell like butt in there, though? 0.98

01:42:23.000 Is there just butts everywhere? 0.99

01:42:24.000 No.

01:42:25.000 I try to keep to myself. 1.00

01:42:29.000 Stick my nose in people's asses. 1.00

01:42:31.000 It smells like housewives, mostly. 1.00

01:42:34.000 Housewives are tougher than you think, dude. 1.00

01:42:36.000 Oh, there's some pretty girls. 1.00

01:42:37.000 Yeah, pretty girls do yoga. 1.00

01:42:38.000 That's one of the benefits of it.

01:42:40.000 Get something to look at.

01:42:41.000 Yeah, I gotta get into more alternative type of stuff.

01:42:44.000 I mean, you know, I'm still going to the gym.

01:42:46.000 Lifting the weights.

01:42:47.000 Stretching is so important.

01:42:49.000 I don't do that.

01:42:50.000 How old are you now?

01:42:51.000 42. Yeah, see, as you get older, that is the one thing that really fucks with you is flexibility. 0.92

01:42:56.000 Spinal flexibility is a big one.

01:42:59.000 Mobility.

01:42:59.000 You know and a lot of people they don't work on that it's not fun You know it's fun to go and do some curls and then look at yourself You know that's fun.

01:43:08.000 It's easy.

01:43:09.000 Yeah, but it's not easy doing yoga.

01:43:11.000 Would you do yoga?

01:43:13.000 Yeah, I like yoga.

01:43:14.000 I wouldn't do hot yoga though.

01:43:16.000 Why not?

01:43:16.000 I just don't like it.

01:43:19.000 I did hot yoga once with my ex like a long time ago.

01:43:23.000 It was awful.

01:43:23.000 It was just miserable.

01:43:24.000 Yeah, that's the point.

01:43:25.000 Yeah.

01:43:26.000 It's not supposed to be fun.

01:43:28.000 I think regular yoga though would be fine, but I don't know.

01:43:32.000 Sweat out the candy flick.

01:43:33.000 How come you don't do it? 0.99

01:43:37.000 But if you, like, in an ideal world, if you could step outside yourself, if you were, like, giving yourself advice, and you were like, you know, Brian Redband, you need to get your shit together. 0.85

01:43:46.000 I'm going to help you, and this is what I'm going to prescribe.

01:43:49.000 What would you prescribe that you should do?

01:43:51.000 Move from L.A. Move from L.A.? Why would you move from L.A.? It's hard living here.

01:43:57.000 It's very stressful to live here.

01:43:59.000 In what way?

01:44:00.000 Money-wise and stuff like that.

01:44:02.000 Paying bills and...

01:44:03.000 Well, you're irresponsible.

01:44:06.000 I'm super irresponsible. 0.87

01:44:08.000 You don't pay your taxes.

01:44:08.000 You blow every penny you have.

01:44:11.000 There's a lot of issues with you that have nothing to do with the cost of living in Burbank.

01:44:15.000 Right. 0.84

01:44:16.000 You know, having like DeskWad Studio and all that, that's like $2,000 a month that I'm just fucking throwing away.

01:44:21.000 Why does that cost so much? 0.95

01:44:22.000 Rent, insurance, internet, all the crap that goes with it.

01:44:27.000 Why don't you have ads on your podcast? 0.94

01:44:29.000 Like, what is wrong with you? 0.94

01:44:31.000 That seems so silly. 0.96

01:44:32.000 That would fix all that like that.

01:44:34.000 Yeah.

01:44:36.000 Exactly.

01:44:37.000 I don't have a staff.

01:44:38.000 I have nobody.

01:44:39.000 You don't need a staff to get ads?

01:44:41.000 I need a staff to work out deals and to make sure things happen and things like that.

01:44:45.000 No, you don't.

01:44:45.000 You get an agent.

01:44:47.000 There's podcast agents now.

01:44:48.000 I know.

01:44:49.000 I have none of that, though.

01:44:50.000 But that's easy to get.

01:44:51.000 There's podcast agents.

01:44:53.000 If you have a certain amount of downloads per month, there's people that have less downloads than you that get agents.

01:44:58.000 Yeah.

01:44:59.000 Well, I'm sure it's easy.

01:45:00.000 It's just that right now, it's just like, oh, so much stress with other things going on.

01:45:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:04.000 Gotta take care of your fucking house. 1.00

01:45:06.000 Keep your house in order, son. 1.00

01:45:07.000 I hate it.

01:45:08.000 You hate what?

01:45:09.000 Discipline?

01:45:10.000 No, yeah.

01:45:10.000 I hate all this work.

01:45:13.000 It's like, I want to be creative. 0.98

01:45:14.000 I don't want to be filing papers and doing all this crap. 1.00

01:45:19.000 This guy was a fucking waitress. 1.00

01:45:22.000 I know what this nipple is. 1.00

01:45:23.000 Okay. 0.90

01:45:24.000 He was a waitress until 2005. I used to do the same thing.

01:45:28.000 I waited for 11 years.

01:45:28.000 Why don't you do enough?

01:45:29.000 So great.

01:45:30.000 Well, no, like what I was saying, it's actually relaxing.

01:45:34.000 That's very fun because you sleep with everyone that works at the restaurant.

01:45:39.000 How dare you?

01:45:40.000 When you're a waiter, you just pretty much hang out with those people.

01:45:43.000 It's like having a different family, like a comedy family, like you said.

01:45:46.000 I've done that for a while, but that's a different life, though.

01:45:49.000 It's basic.

01:45:50.000 It's nice. 0.81

01:45:51.000 That's a nice basic life instead of having to deal with all this crap that I'm doing.

01:45:55.000 Well, I mean, there's nothing wrong.

01:45:57.000 I don't think there's anything wrong getting a job, supplementing your income while you're being creative, right?

01:46:02.000 For me, it allowed me to do a lot of things that I probably couldn't if I was just relying on comedy.

01:46:09.000 Comedy income.

01:46:10.000 Sure.

01:46:11.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:46:12.000 Yeah, I mean... 1.00

01:46:13.000 It's a fucking grind, man. 0.99

01:46:15.000 It's a grind, the early days especially. 0.99

01:46:17.000 I used to deliver newspapers.

01:46:19.000 That was my gig.

01:46:20.000 Oh, yeah?

01:46:20.000 Yeah, I'd get up every morning.

01:46:22.000 That's when I lived in Boston.

01:46:23.000 The problem with that is you can't go on the road because you can't leave because you have to do the road.

01:46:28.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:46:29.000 But there's a lot of different fucking gigs that you can get as a struggling comedian in L.A., you know? 0.99

01:46:35.000 Especially now. 0.98

01:46:36.000 I mean, there's a lot of opportunities out there for...

01:46:39.000 I mean, I think if Uber was around when I was coming up, I definitely would have been an Uber driver, and I would have kept my car unbelievably clean.

01:46:49.000 I always used to take pride in cleaning my car, just the way it smelled, vacuuming, nice.

01:46:55.000 You don't do that now?

01:46:56.000 Oh, yeah.

01:46:57.000 I constantly do it.

01:46:58.000 Everything is clean.

01:47:00.000 You're a clean guy, huh?

01:47:01.000 I like being clean.

01:47:02.000 What's that about?

01:47:04.000 I don't know.

01:47:04.000 I just grew up in this house where, you know, everything had to be...

01:47:07.000 Plastic on the furniture?

01:47:08.000 No, we weren't that...

01:47:10.000 No, I'm telling you, my uncles and aunts, they lived in the basement with the plastic.

01:47:14.000 Not my house.

01:47:15.000 My house, you could go wherever you wanted to go, but it was clean.

01:47:18.000 How did that ever happen, the plastic on the furniture in the Italian houses? 0.99

01:47:22.000 You don't use it.

01:47:24.000 They got kitchens that they don't use.

01:47:26.000 Upstairs, it's a showpiece.

01:47:28.000 Yeah, what is that?

01:47:29.000 I don't know.

01:47:30.000 I don't know.

01:47:30.000 I think that's...

01:47:31.000 I don't know, because you go to Italy, they ain't living in the basement.

01:47:34.000 They're using whatever they got.

01:47:36.000 Apparently they came here, and now there's two kitchens.

01:47:39.000 There's one upstairs, and there's one downstairs.

01:47:41.000 I had an aunt.

01:47:41.000 You walk in, you didn't even go up.

01:47:43.000 They had like a rope.

01:47:44.000 You couldn't even go into that kitchen upstairs.

01:47:47.000 She had a rope? 0.98

01:47:48.000 Rope.

01:47:48.000 Like a line at a club?

01:47:51.000 Yeah, almost like a velvet rope that they hooked that you couldn't even get into that area.

01:47:55.000 He went right downstairs and then they lived right in the basement.

01:47:59.000 Wow.

01:48:00.000 So, I don't know what it was.

01:48:01.000 How strange.

01:48:03.000 It was strange.

01:48:04.000 And the whole thing with the uncle, my uncle really taught me how to be clean.

01:48:07.000 That was the whole thing.

01:48:08.000 He always kept his car immaculate and I was fascinated by it.

01:48:13.000 Just fascinating.

01:48:14.000 What kind of car?

01:48:15.000 He drove a Cadillac.

01:48:16.000 Of course.

01:48:17.000 And how he used to make it smell good was he used to take a little towel, cut it into squares, and then roll up the little squares, put them in cologne, and let that marinate overnight.

01:48:29.000 Oh my God.

01:48:32.000 Then in the morning...

01:48:37.000 This is it!

01:48:38.000 And then he took it and he put it in the vents of the car underneath, right?

01:48:43.000 And then when he put the air or the heat on, your car threw out the car. 0.93

01:48:48.000 That's so stinky! 0.97

01:48:50.000 That stuff is so nasty! 0.99

01:48:52.000 This is 80s.

01:48:54.000 That's hilarious. 0.99

01:48:56.000 That's so fucking funny. 0.91

01:48:57.000 So I was just to be fascinated how I used to keep things. 0.97

01:49:00.000 Everything was very meticulous.

01:49:01.000 So to this day, I kind of like to keep my car clean.

01:49:05.000 Everybody does.

01:49:06.000 Come on, don't you?

01:49:06.000 I mean, I see you pull up and you've got a nice clean car.

01:49:09.000 It's filled with shit. 0.99

01:49:10.000 Some of the cars. 1.00

01:49:12.000 Some of my cars are clean.

01:49:14.000 The Corvette's always clean.

01:49:17.000 Your uncle was ahead of his time, because they have new cars now that actually have that as an option.

01:49:21.000 They have a scent that you can plug in, like the new BMW 7 Series has several different scents, and you turn them on, and they slowly filter into the cars.

01:49:33.000 Yeah, they have, like, a woodsy scent.

01:49:35.000 But meanwhile, how much cancer are you getting from that stuff? 1.00

01:49:38.000 Breathing in some fucking fake smell that they pumped into your lungs. 1.00

01:49:42.000 If you can smell it in, you're inhaling it. 1.00

01:49:44.000 That's a great idea, though.

01:49:46.000 It is a great idea.

01:49:46.000 As long as it doesn't kill you, it's a great idea.

01:49:49.000 It's probably just the same stuff that they spray in, like, the car wash when you went.

01:49:52.000 New car, cherry...

01:49:53.000 Yeah, maybe, but the problem is it's going through the vents, so it's in the air.

01:49:58.000 I would like to have a particle analysis of what that stuff is actually doing.

01:50:02.000 I like the smell of leather.

01:50:04.000 I like the smell of a new car, like the new leather smell.

01:50:06.000 I don't need forest smells.

01:50:08.000 Yeah.

01:50:11.000 Unicorn farts.

01:50:11.000 I don't need that.

01:50:14.000 Daisies. 1.00

01:50:14.000 It smells like daisies. 1.00

01:50:15.000 What, am I outside or am I inside?

01:50:17.000 I'm in the car, right?

01:50:18.000 If I want to smell daisies, I'll go sit in a daisy field.

01:50:21.000 Daisies even smell? 1.00

01:50:22.000 Daisies, yeah. 1.00

01:50:23.000 Do they?

01:50:23.000 They smell good.

01:50:27.000 Anyway, anything else to add, Sebastian?

01:50:31.000 Anything else to add?

01:50:33.000 No, I don't know anybody that died from smelling your car.

01:50:37.000 That sounds so gross, though. 0.89

01:50:38.000 I bet there's a lot of rape victims that will argue... 1.00

01:50:43.000 Argue against that.

01:50:44.000 I had that stuff for a while.

01:50:46.000 Again, why did I have it?

01:50:47.000 Because I was trying to get laid.

01:50:48.000 That's why.

01:50:49.000 So you no longer wear cologne?

01:50:51.000 No.

01:50:51.000 How dare you?

01:50:52.000 Do you?

01:50:53.000 What do you wear?

01:50:54.000 Do you wear a dracar?

01:50:55.000 No. 1.00

01:50:55.000 I'm a fucking man. 1.00

01:50:57.000 I smell like a man. 1.00

01:50:59.000 You smell like a man. 0.98

01:51:00.000 So cologne is not manly?

01:51:04.000 No.

01:51:05.000 No?

01:51:05.000 No.

01:51:06.000 No, it's like perfume.

01:51:07.000 It's guy perfume.

01:51:08.000 It's just a little hint.

01:51:12.000 I've often heard this.

01:51:15.000 You're not going to like this.

01:51:17.000 Put a little cologne on your hand, right?

01:51:20.000 Shake somebody's hand. 0.59

01:51:21.000 It's like your business card.

01:51:22.000 They go home.

01:51:24.000 Is that him?

01:51:25.000 Is that her? 1.00

01:51:26.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:51:29.000 That's disgusting. 1.00

01:51:30.000 I heard that. 0.99

01:51:30.000 Somebody told me, put a little cologne on your hands. 0.99

01:51:32.000 Tell that person they're an asshole. 1.00

01:51:33.000 I'm going to do that. 1.00

01:51:34.000 I'm going to start doing that. 1.00

01:51:35.000 That person's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:51:37.000 You don't want to do that. 1.00

01:51:39.000 People stink.

01:51:40.000 That's why people come home and they're like, why do you smell like that?

01:51:44.000 Oh, I shook Sebastian's hand.

01:51:46.000 Give him Knuckles. 0.97

01:51:47.000 From now on, only Knuckles.

01:51:49.000 That's how Howie Mandela got started with Knuckles.

01:51:51.000 Somebody snuck him a Sebastian Drakkar handshake.

01:51:55.000 Sebastian business card.

01:51:56.000 That's a great idea.

01:51:57.000 I gotta get out of here.

01:51:58.000 So for your website, what's your website?

01:52:02.000 SebastianLive.com.

01:52:03.000 SebastianLive.com.

01:52:04.000 You on the road anytime soon?

01:52:06.000 Yeah, I'm going to Hampton Beach, New Hampshire this Friday. 0.99

01:52:09.000 Oh shit, the casino? 0.99

01:52:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:52:09.000 You got a casino up there? 0.99

01:52:10.000 I've done that.

01:52:10.000 That's fun.

01:52:11.000 That's a fun gig.

01:52:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:52:12.000 Can't wait to do it.

01:52:13.000 I saw George Carlin there.

01:52:14.000 Did you?

01:52:15.000 Yeah, when I was an open-miker.

01:52:16.000 Wow. 1.00

01:52:17.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:52:18.000 Foxwoods? 1.00

01:52:18.000 You doing Foxwoods too? 1.00

01:52:19.000 That will make you want to jump through a fucking window. 1.00

01:52:22.000 That's a terrible gig. 1.00

01:52:24.000 That Foxwoods is rough.

01:52:25.000 That's a dark, dark crowd.

01:52:32.000 SebastianComedy.com?

01:52:33.000 SebastianComedy.

01:52:34.000 SebastianLive.com and Pete and Sebastian Show.

01:52:37.000 We got a little podcast that we do as well.

01:52:38.000 Oh, I didn't know you had a...

01:52:39.000 Who are you here with?

01:52:41.000 Pete Correale.

01:52:41.000 Oh, that's great.

01:52:42.000 Oh, okay.

01:52:43.000 Cool.

01:52:43.000 Beautiful.

01:52:44.000 Okay.

01:52:46.000 SebastianComedy on Twitter.

01:52:48.000 And Brian's show is tonight at the Comedy Store.

01:52:53.000 Again, Jim Florentine, Dom Herrera, Ben Glebe, Steve Agee.

01:52:56.000 Dean Del Rey, Brian Moses, Brian Redband, Mike Lawrence, Tony Hinchcliffe, Mark Saratella, and two secret guests. 0.99

01:53:05.000 And that's it, you fucks. 0.96

01:53:07.000 We'll see you guys next week, and bye-bye. 0.99

01:53:10.000 Big kiss, man.

The Joe Rogan Experience - September 09, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #695 - Sebastian Maniscalco

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