The Joe Rogan Experience - January 13, 2011


Joe Rogan Experience #71 - Al Madrigal

Topics
antibiotic resistance Dire Straits song "Skate Away" traveling lifestyle comedy Sal strip club old dudes and strip clubs Jeff Wills hats and wallet chains hats malt liquor marketing Four Loco Band/New Year's punch kids weed fucked up childhood vaporizer THC Joey Diaz no-show people throwing money in fountains
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Al Madrigal
Mentioned
Brian Holtzman Joey Coco Diaz Filipino Phil Al Madrigal Dude Oprah Martin Lawrence Jason Tebow Steve Guttenberg Marilyn Martinez Doug Benson Ray Romano Bill Barr Willie Barsena Michael Keaton Mark Curry Bob Oshack Jeff Wills Eddie Griffin Mitch Hedberg and 130 more
JRE MMA Show #70 with Aljamain Sterling Joe Rogan Experience #73 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Stats


Length

2 hours and 50 minutes

Words per minute

215.13

Word count

36,612

Sentence count

4,526

Harmful content

Misogyny

143

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,485

sentences flagged

Hate speech

108

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Comedian Al Madrigal joins us on the pod to talk about what it's like being a stand-up comedian in the 90s and early 2000s. We talk about his early days at the Old Cobbs Comedy club in San Francisco, how he got into standup, and what it takes to be a good standup comedian. We also talk about how he ended up in comedy, and how he went from radio to standup to becoming a full-time comedian in less than a decade, and why it's a good thing he didn't get into comedy at the same time as most other comedians in his generation. We're sponsored by The Fleshlight. It's a great product and we love it. Put your finger in the cup and let us know if you like it! Joe Rogan is a comedian, writer, podcaster, and podcaster. He's been in the business for over 30 years and is a regular contributor to the San Francisco Chronicle, the New York Times, and has been featured on Comedy Central, and is one of the funniest people in the world. Enjoy this one! -Joe Rogan and the Crew -The Vagabond Podcast is a production of Native Creative Podcasts. Produced in Los Angeles, CA and edited by Joseph Rogan and the crew at Native Creative to bring you the best local music, comedy and standup comedy in the bay area. . This episode was brought to you by Native Creative, a proud member of the Native Creative Crew. and Native Creative Media. , and the amazing people who make it all the best music, and the people who give us the best food in the Bay Area scene in the country and the best coffee in the best live music in the place you can find the best of the best places to get the most authentic and most authentic, the best stories from the best and the most authentically authentic music you can get the best at the best in the most affordable and the coolest places in the greatest place you'll ever to hear it all. in this episode we talk about it all on the best way to do it all of that. -and more! and more. Thank you for listening to Native Creative and supporting Native Creative in this podcast, and we hope you enjoy this episode! -And thank you so much for being here on Native Creative. Thanks for listening and supporting us.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 *music* Throw you in a choke, gun smoke, gun smoke. 0.91
00:00:19.000 Vicky Smokes for Mayor, the Rack Slayer, the hookah layer Relax and take notes While I take totes of the marijuana smoke Throw you in a choke, gun smoke, gun smoke. 1.00
00:00:42.000 Biggie Smokes for mayor, the rap slayer, the hookah layer. 1.00
00:00:45.000 Motherfuckers, say your prayers. 1.00
00:00:47.000 Hail Mary, full of grace. 1.00
00:00:49.000 Smack the bitch in the face, take her Gucci bag, and her North Face off her back. 1.00
00:00:53.000 Japper if she act. 1.00
00:00:54.000 Funny with the money, oh, you got me mistaken, honey. 0.97
00:00:57.000 I don't wanna rape ya, I just We on now? 0.96
00:01:09.000 There we go. 0.95
00:01:12.000 This is Biggie Smalls mixed up with Led Zeppelin.
00:01:15.000 Yeah.
00:01:16.000 Who did this?
00:01:20.000 Doesn't even say. 0.98
00:01:24.000 It's pretty fucking badass. 0.94
00:01:28.000 Yeah, it doesn't even say who did it. 0.91
00:01:29.000 That's weird.
00:01:30.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast.
00:01:32.000 Our guest today is the one and only Mr. Al Madrigal.
00:01:38.000 Longtime friend.
00:01:39.000 Al and I first worked together in San Francisco at the old, old Cops.
00:01:43.000 Little tiny Cops.
00:01:44.000 The 150 seater.
00:01:46.000 Does he even seat 150 feet?
00:01:47.000 Probably 200 tops.
00:01:48.000 Tom Sawyer squeezing chairs in.
00:01:50.000 Really?
00:01:51.000 Illegally.
00:01:51.000 I don't think it got that big.
00:01:52.000 All kinds of fire codes and violations.
00:01:55.000 Let's say 150 so we don't get anybody in trouble. 0.98
00:01:58.000 But it was a fucking awesome little club. 0.98
00:02:00.000 And then now it's like totally different. 0.98
00:02:02.000 Now it's like this big gigantic thing.
00:02:03.000 We did New Year's there.
00:02:05.000 The first New Year's.
00:02:05.000 Remember that?
00:02:06.000 We've done a lot of gigs.
00:02:07.000 We've done a lot of gigs.
00:02:08.000 San Francisco.
00:02:10.000 We're going way back to like what?
00:02:11.000 2000 maybe?
00:02:12.000 2000 I think.
00:02:13.000 Something like that?
00:02:14.000 Yeah.
00:02:14.000 That's 11 years.
00:02:15.000 I met you when I had just started to do stand-up comedy a year in.
00:02:20.000 Yeah, we worked together at the Old Cobbs.
00:02:23.000 You were funny back then, even.
00:02:24.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:02:25.000 You little fuck. 1.00
00:02:27.000 It's funny, because I just think I just figured it out. 1.00
00:02:30.000 I just feel like my latest stuff has been clearly...
00:02:35.000 How many years are you in now?
00:02:38.000 12 years.
00:02:38.000 12 years.
00:02:39.000 That's what they say.
00:02:39.000 They say 10 years.
00:02:40.000 It takes 10 years for you to become a real comic.
00:02:43.000 Yeah.
00:02:43.000 I'll buy that.
00:02:44.000 I'll buy that totally.
00:02:45.000 Or, you know, I heard it put that it takes 7 years to get your law degree, and then another 7 years for you to become a good lawyer.
00:02:53.000 Right.
00:02:53.000 So it's like, that's the same thing with stand-up.
00:02:55.000 Yeah, practicing as a professional comedian for X amount of years, and then, you know, becoming really good at it.
00:03:01.000 Finding your own space. 0.98
00:03:02.000 Finding who the fuck you are without influence of other comedians, and... 0.99
00:03:07.000 And actually having your real personality be you on stage. 1.00
00:03:11.000 That shit takes a long-ass time. 0.99
00:03:12.000 It really does. 1.00
00:03:13.000 Especially if you're distracted, if you have other things going on.
00:03:15.000 Oh, and it's easy.
00:03:16.000 Also, you lose your way as a stand-up, and a lot of guys just stop trying.
00:03:21.000 My big pitfalls have always been TV shows.
00:03:25.000 They've been great, like news radio especially.
00:03:28.000 When I was on news radio, we worked some serious long hours.
00:03:31.000 So you're working and you're taking away from your stand-up.
00:03:33.000 You're not able to hit the clubs as much as you like.
00:03:35.000 I've been on...
00:03:36.000 I've done...
00:03:38.000 Six pilots?
00:03:39.000 And two that made it on the air?
00:03:41.000 So I know exactly what you're talking about.
00:03:43.000 Because you're working every single day.
00:03:44.000 And then we have families.
00:03:46.000 Yeah.
00:03:46.000 And you've got to spend time with them.
00:03:48.000 Yeah.
00:03:48.000 And then stand-up gets pushed to three when stand-up is usually number one.
00:03:52.000 Yeah.
00:03:52.000 Very hard to justify getting on stage all the time.
00:03:55.000 And for me, I just straight got lazy.
00:03:57.000 Because not only did I... I did stand-up on the weekends.
00:03:59.000 I would do like... 1.00
00:04:00.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:04:01.000 How dare you, Al Magical. 1.00
00:04:03.000 I'm sorry.
00:04:03.000 The funniest ringtone, too.
00:04:05.000 Oh, by the way, we're sponsored by The Fleshlight.
00:04:07.000 Yeah, by the way, that's a good reason.
00:04:08.000 That's why karma.
00:04:10.000 It's Fleshlight calling.
00:04:11.000 Tell us. 1.00
00:04:12.000 Yo, bitch, we pay you. 1.00
00:04:13.000 Yeah, we are actually sponsored by The Fleshlight. 0.99
00:04:16.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link, you get 15% off.
00:04:20.000 And I endorse it. 0.99
00:04:21.000 It's a fucking good product. 0.99
00:04:22.000 Have you ever used one, buddy? 1.00
00:04:24.000 No, I have not.
00:04:25.000 No one has had sex with that, so it's clean. 0.99
00:04:27.000 That's the butthole version. 0.99
00:04:28.000 Yeah, great. 0.95
00:04:29.000 Touch that.
00:04:30.000 It's technology, man.
00:04:31.000 Oh, my God.
00:04:31.000 Put your finger in it.
00:04:32.000 It's very plastic-y and realistic.
00:04:34.000 It's very realistic, right?
00:04:36.000 Sure, this is a good product.
00:04:37.000 There's nothing better for beating off.
00:04:39.000 It's a commitment. 1.00
00:04:40.000 You've got to go out of your way and say, okay, I'm going to fuck this tube now. 0.99
00:04:43.000 With this and the coconut juice, I feel like I learned two great things. 0.99
00:04:49.000 Yeah, C2O sent us a bunch of cases of coconut juice, but I ran out of them.
00:04:53.000 Sorry, C2O. This is Amy and Brian's.
00:04:56.000 I had to pay for this shit. 0.99
00:04:56.000 Which is really good, too. 0.99
00:04:58.000 They're all good.
00:04:58.000 They're great.
00:04:59.000 But C2O gave me some free shit, so props! 0.95
00:05:03.000 But the flashlight, if you go, like I said, if you go to the link on JoeRogan.net, click it, and enter in the code ROGAN, and you get 15% off. 0.93
00:05:11.000 And it's a good product, like I said.
00:05:12.000 Where is it?
00:05:13.000 Put that lid on it.
00:05:14.000 Yeah, you got to keep it fresh. 0.99
00:05:16.000 I don't want to get it dusty with cat hairs and shit, man. 0.99
00:05:18.000 I got cats. 0.99
00:05:21.000 Yeah, and you're allergic to cats, so you might be...
00:05:24.000 That's the thing.
00:05:25.000 It hasn't affected me yet, but there's a very good chance that I could completely lose it and have to be rushed to the hospital.
00:05:33.000 There's no big deal.
00:05:34.000 I think that the volcano is going to bypass all that and put it in order for you.
00:05:38.000 Is it a breathing thing, or do you get swollen up?
00:05:40.000 It's breathing, eyes, throat closes the whole time. 1.00
00:05:44.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
00:05:44.000 Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation might be necessary. 0.99
00:05:47.000 In other words, he's a pussy. 1.00
00:05:50.000 Well, that's the thing. 1.00
00:05:51.000 That's what a large part of my act has become about.
00:05:53.000 Allergies? 0.83
00:05:54.000 Me talking to a cholo, but I have allergies. 1.00
00:05:59.000 No, I do a couple different stories that I have.
00:06:03.000 There's a cholo soccer dad that I'm talking about and stuff like that. 0.94
00:06:06.000 It's all about me having allergies in front of black people. 0.99
00:06:11.000 Feeling genetically inferior. 0.97
00:06:12.000 Yeah.
00:06:13.000 Hey, sorry.
00:06:15.000 Here's a fascinating thing that I read about the H1N1 virus, that flu virus.
00:06:19.000 They're saying now that the people that survived it, the people that got it and survived it, they have like super immune systems now.
00:06:25.000 And now they don't get any flus.
00:06:27.000 They don't get any of the flus.
00:06:28.000 It's like, and they think that they may be able to come up with a universal vaccine for flus based on the H1N1. Wow.
00:06:34.000 Based on the people that survived.
00:06:35.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:06:36.000 Pretty fascinating shit, man. 0.98
00:06:37.000 Yeah, use them all. 1.00
00:06:38.000 It was a motherfucker of a flu. 0.98
00:06:40.000 The thing about those flus is they're getting better. 0.99
00:06:42.000 They're getting stronger.
00:06:43.000 They evolve just like everything else evolves. 1.00
00:06:45.000 And when these assholes take their fucking medicine, they don't take it all. 1.00
00:06:48.000 This is especially true about antibiotics. 1.00
00:06:51.000 People who get sick and they take antibiotics and they only take it until they feel better, like say if you're supposed to take it for 10 days, the bacteria that survive is like super powerful antibiotic resistant bacteria.
00:07:04.000 So that becomes like this strain that's almost impossible to kill. 0.98
00:07:07.000 That's where this MRSA shit comes from. 0.99
00:07:09.000 The people are dying from these crazy staph infections. 1.00
00:07:12.000 It's because assholes don't take their fucking pills. 1.00
00:07:15.000 They take like a percentage of them and then they quit. 1.00
00:07:18.000 And they develop this new fucking super virus because of that. 1.00
00:07:21.000 These cunts. 1.00
00:07:22.000 So you gotta finish all your medication. 1.00
00:07:24.000 Finish your medication, bitches. 1.00
00:07:25.000 You're not smarter than the scientists who created this shit. 1.00
00:07:28.000 So what we're asking people to do is use the fleshlight and coconut juice. 1.00
00:07:32.000 Beat off into that shit. 1.00
00:07:34.000 Use your medication. 1.00
00:07:35.000 Take all of it. 1.00
00:07:36.000 Take all that shit. 1.00
00:07:37.000 I'm really bad at that. 1.00
00:07:38.000 I admit it.
00:07:38.000 I get down to the last one or two.
00:07:40.000 I'm just as guilty as anybody else.
00:07:43.000 For humanity. 1.00
00:07:45.000 Take that shit. 1.00
00:07:46.000 They should give two extra just so I don't take those two. 1.00
00:07:48.000 Oh my god, they should treat you like a child.
00:07:50.000 You know what I mean?
00:07:50.000 I'd be bad at birth control.
00:07:52.000 But yeah, they should do it.
00:07:53.000 Oh, you'd be pregnant for sure. 1.00
00:07:54.000 Yeah, I'd be totally knocked up.
00:07:55.000 Yeah, for sure.
00:07:56.000 Portions all day long.
00:07:58.000 You know, they say that a big supply of pharmaceutical drugs are in the water supply.
00:08:02.000 There's not a big supply, but a big percentage.
00:08:04.000 There's measurable amounts of everything.
00:08:06.000 Everything from antidepressants to birth control pills.
00:08:09.000 In the water supply? 1.00
00:08:10.000 Yeah, because people flush their shit. 1.00
00:08:12.000 People flush their stuff down the toilet. 1.00
00:08:13.000 I mean, that's where your water supply is coming from.
00:08:15.000 A lot of it's coming from reconstituted poop water.
00:08:18.000 Sure, sure.
00:08:19.000 In some places, right?
00:08:21.000 Isn't that where they get their water supply? 0.99
00:08:22.000 They fucking fix up the poop water. 0.99
00:08:24.000 The water doesn't go anywhere. 1.00
00:08:26.000 It's never going to die.
00:08:27.000 It's the same water.
00:08:28.000 Jesus Christ, how much can you filter out where you're leaving in the birth control pills but giving me no poop?
00:08:34.000 You're sure there's no poop in this? 1.00
00:08:36.000 There's gotta be some poop in there, you fuck. 1.00
00:08:37.000 I'd like some poop-free water. 1.00
00:08:39.000 Yeah, if the same water is coming our way that birth control pills get into...
00:08:43.000 Unless I'm ignorant about how birth control pills get into water and they're not being dumped off.
00:08:47.000 Is the amount of birth pills or anything going into the water system, is that really large enough to affect it?
00:08:54.000 I don't know.
00:08:55.000 It's a good question, but I would like 0% of birth control pills in my diet.
00:09:00.000 There's no pregnant water anymore, at least. 0.95
00:09:02.000 Hmm.
00:09:03.000 What?
00:09:03.000 What?
00:09:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:09:05.000 I think, you know, we gotta be real careful about that shit, man. 0.99
00:09:08.000 You know, the idea that water is 96% of our bodies and it's the one thing that we love to throw things into. 1.00
00:09:13.000 It's so fucking stupid. 1.00
00:09:14.000 You know, we need water. 1.00
00:09:16.000 Obviously, humans need water. 0.99
00:09:17.000 But we're always dumping shit in the water because it's so easy. 1.00
00:09:19.000 We're such cunts. 1.00
00:09:20.000 Especially Al. 0.99
00:09:21.000 Al does that all the time.
00:09:21.000 I do a lot of, like, vigilante dumping.
00:09:25.000 Just dumping oil and shit. 0.99
00:09:27.000 No, or, you know, I say I'm guilty because when I see a dumpster near my house, I'm like, I gotta put a fucking nut chair in there. 0.99
00:09:33.000 Well, there's nothing wrong with that. 0.96
00:09:35.000 That's not throwing things in the ocean. 0.97
00:09:36.000 All countries in these companies are actually fucking... 0.93
00:09:40.000 Oh, you know that 1-800-JUNK? What is that? 0.98
00:09:42.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:09:43.000 That's where the new trucks, they come and get your shit. 1.00
00:09:45.000 They're shipping it to fucking China, where they're paying for cheap landfill. 1.00
00:09:48.000 So huge, huge, like, secret in the night fucking barges full of our shit. 1.00
00:09:55.000 It shows up in China and there's just landfill all over the place. 0.99
00:09:58.000 And so, I mean, us flushing pills down there, I mean, that's the least of our trouble. 0.98
00:10:03.000 It's all these foreign countries that don't have any fucking laws that are just allowing you to dump and bury and fucking there's toxic waste that we're shipping over there. 1.00
00:10:10.000 It's horrible. 1.00
00:10:11.000 Dude, China is crazy. 1.00
00:10:12.000 They developed some new eco-city. 1.00
00:10:14.000 It's fucking fantastical. 0.98
00:10:15.000 Have you seen this thing? 0.99
00:10:16.000 No.
00:10:17.000 It's on my Twitter.
00:10:17.000 Brian, have you seen it?
00:10:18.000 Mm-mm.
00:10:19.000 I posted it.
00:10:20.000 Someone tweeted it and I retweeted it. 0.75
00:10:21.000 It's pretty fucking amazing, man. 0.95
00:10:23.000 There's this new city that they have. 0.97
00:10:26.000 It looks like some gigantic future space, solar-powered greenhouse of a city.
00:10:33.000 It's like they have glass domes over buildings.
00:10:36.000 It's fascinating.
00:10:37.000 China's Pauly Shore running around inside.
00:10:39.000 Look at it.
00:10:41.000 It's like The Simpsons.
00:10:42.000 What is the title of the article so someone can Google if they want to Google it?
00:10:45.000 What does it say?
00:10:47.000 Teixin EcoCity in China.
00:10:49.000 You can just type in EcoCity in China.
00:10:51.000 EcoCity in China will find it.
00:10:52.000 Forget that first word.
00:10:53.000 It's an amazing world we live in.
00:10:54.000 We can just do that. 0.52
00:10:56.000 How fucking cool is that?
00:10:57.000 You can just type that into a box and it just gives you the instant information. 0.95
00:11:01.000 Instant information.
00:11:01.000 Instant.
00:11:03.000 We don't even realize how crazy that is.
00:11:04.000 Why is there college anymore?
00:11:06.000 Yeah, right?
00:11:07.000 Just a way to torture you.
00:11:09.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:11:09.000 Get you to go somewhere and fuck. 1.00
00:11:10.000 There's a commercial on right now where they're doing that. 1.00
00:11:12.000 You just see families sitting around a phone and they look over and they see just B actors who they don't know who exactly it is.
00:11:18.000 And it says, it says his name is so-and-so.
00:11:20.000 And these people are just Googling and getting instant information on the spot when they need it.
00:11:24.000 And that's totally what we're doing.
00:11:25.000 My phone is fantastic.
00:11:26.000 That's amazing.
00:11:27.000 That's when people have their phones on in comedy shows.
00:11:29.000 I say, I realize that's a fascinating device.
00:11:33.000 I mean, I have one. 0.88
00:11:34.000 I fucking look at it all the time and I love it. 0.79
00:11:36.000 But now's not the time to have it, so just put it in. 0.97
00:11:38.000 That's my first one.
00:11:39.000 Do you wig out on people that film you?
00:11:41.000 I make them stop a lot.
00:11:43.000 Some people are just so blatant with it.
00:11:45.000 They're like sitting right in the front row and they're pointing a camera at you and filming.
00:11:48.000 Just flip video camera just straight up. 0.97
00:11:50.000 This is so silly.
00:11:51.000 I usually point it out, but sometimes people don't care. 1.00
00:11:55.000 Yeah, you want to go just enjoy the fucking moment. 1.00
00:11:57.000 Enjoy the show. 0.99
00:11:58.000 Everything doesn't have to go on YouTube.
00:12:00.000 I do the Laugh Factory and you're standing on the stage and there's two monitors on the side.
00:12:04.000 You've done that, Chloe.
00:12:05.000 Sure. 0.99
00:12:06.000 Sometimes I look in the audience and people are watching me on the fucking monitor. 0.99
00:12:10.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:12:10.000 It's like, I'm going here, lady. 0.99
00:12:12.000 What the fuck? 0.99
00:12:13.000 Yeah, that's weird. 1.00
00:12:14.000 People do that at the UFC all the time, too.
00:12:15.000 They watch the fights on the monitor.
00:12:17.000 Yeah.
00:12:17.000 It's in front of you.
00:12:18.000 Wow, happening.
00:12:19.000 I see that.
00:12:20.000 I do that sometimes ringside.
00:12:21.000 I catch myself doing that.
00:12:22.000 Dude, replay.
00:12:23.000 On cage side, the guys are fighting five feet in front of me and I'm looking at this little 13-inch monitor in front of me.
00:12:28.000 Well, sometimes you get a better perspective.
00:12:30.000 Yeah, that's why I'm doing it.
00:12:31.000 But it's still funny that I'm doing it.
00:12:32.000 Yeah, you're right there.
00:12:33.000 It's right there and I'm watching a TV. Yeah, it's ridiculous. 0.98
00:12:36.000 I like it on the UFC just because it's like the different camera angles, especially when you get on the ground, you can't see anything on the floor.
00:12:43.000 Close, yeah.
00:12:44.000 Totally, yeah.
00:12:45.000 That's where it's real confusing, too, if you're in the stands and you don't have commentary.
00:12:50.000 Like, a lot of times you don't see what guys are going for, you don't see how a guy's trying to set something up, you know?
00:12:55.000 You just went to your first UFC, right?
00:12:56.000 My very first one was the Las Vegas Poms.
00:12:59.000 Yeah, real recently.
00:13:02.000 Spike's Fight Night.
00:13:04.000 Spike Fight Night.
00:13:08.000 Couldn't get it out.
00:13:10.000 What it is is the finals of The Ultimate Fighter.
00:13:13.000 Jason Tebow was around.
00:13:14.000 He got a ticket from you and he sat closer.
00:13:18.000 He was just texting us constantly saying who he was sitting next to.
00:13:22.000 Really?
00:13:23.000 He was like a little girl. 0.85
00:13:25.000 Rampage was behind him.
00:13:27.000 And he goes, I'm in front of Rampage!
00:13:29.000 Oh, yeah.
00:13:30.000 He just couldn't believe, you know, so he was all about his location.
00:13:33.000 Very funny guy.
00:13:34.000 He was like a little kid in a candy store, he said.
00:13:36.000 He was just loving life.
00:13:37.000 He dressed up, he wore a blazer.
00:13:39.000 Yeah, he wore a blazer.
00:13:42.000 And rainbow socks.
00:13:43.000 Great job.
00:13:43.000 Teb's a good dude.
00:13:44.000 He's a good dude.
00:13:45.000 Very funny, too.
00:13:45.000 Very funny guy.
00:13:46.000 Very smart guy.
00:13:46.000 And he's been around for a long time.
00:13:48.000 Yeah.
00:13:48.000 And hilarious.
00:13:50.000 Frustrating when, you know, you see a guy like that that's not getting anywhere and you're like, how come?
00:13:53.000 You know, what's going on?
00:13:54.000 Yeah, what's happening?
00:13:55.000 Why isn't Teb famous, you know?
00:13:58.000 Yeah.
00:13:59.000 Strange world we live in.
00:14:00.000 This comedy world.
00:14:01.000 So when I met you, you'd only been doing it, like, what, two years?
00:14:04.000 Even less than that.
00:14:04.000 Less than that?
00:14:05.000 Wow, dude.
00:14:06.000 I met you in a day, son.
00:14:08.000 And then you recommended me for the comedy store.
00:14:11.000 Yeah.
00:14:11.000 I'm sorry.
00:14:12.000 It's all right.
00:14:14.000 It was you and Freddie Soto.
00:14:16.000 And I was like, oh, this is the best!
00:14:17.000 How can I go in?
00:14:18.000 And then we were doing the Fridays and Saturday nights there until everything blew up over there.
00:14:23.000 And then I've worked with you quite a bit.
00:14:26.000 A lot of comedy store gigs, man.
00:14:29.000 Yeah.
00:14:29.000 And you used to have that, you put in the recorder, what I always appreciated, that Joe bought a digital recorder, not a digital, a CD burner for the club.
00:14:38.000 And so I'd go in there with a CD just constantly on a Friday night and just show up and handle my CD. I have all the...
00:14:45.000 Well, I had three different things that I bought.
00:14:47.000 I started out with a DAT player, a DAT recorder.
00:14:50.000 I had digital audio tape installed there.
00:14:51.000 But the problem with that is that no one had a DAT player.
00:14:54.000 Yeah.
00:14:54.000 So then I said, okay, we'll get mini-disc because that seems like a good format.
00:14:57.000 But the problem was mini-disc died out.
00:14:59.000 Sure.
00:14:59.000 So then I switched it to CD. It was awesome.
00:15:02.000 So I put three different systems in there.
00:15:04.000 The CD and then you had all of those live moments that you never really get on a comedy album.
00:15:10.000 Yeah, all recorded at the comedy store.
00:15:12.000 Yeah, it was perfect.
00:15:13.000 Yeah.
00:15:13.000 Well, you know, it's just like we needed to have it there and there was a budget issue.
00:15:18.000 Yeah.
00:15:18.000 At least the comedy store appreciated you after you did all these nice things.
00:15:23.000 Well, Mitzi did. 0.83
00:15:24.000 The real comedy store did.
00:15:26.000 That was where my loyalty was in the first place.
00:15:28.000 Now they're putting it in a kitchen oven.
00:15:29.000 I would actually know that.
00:15:30.000 Good.
00:15:31.000 Good place to get food poisoning.
00:15:33.000 20 years too late. 1.00
00:15:34.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:15:35.000 You know how much money they lost for not having just nachos? 1.00
00:15:39.000 Yeah, but you know what, dude?
00:15:40.000 This is a comedy story.
00:15:41.000 This is who it's supposed to be.
00:15:42.000 The real issue there was that they stopped nurturing good comedy, and they had a lot of the issues that Al and I were talking about right before the show that he's dealing with there right now.
00:15:52.000 They don't have the right intentions.
00:15:54.000 They're not looking out for comedy.
00:15:56.000 They're not even looking out for the club anymore.
00:15:58.000 They're just looking out for short dollars.
00:16:00.000 They're looking out for what's going to work and what's going to get them money right now.
00:16:04.000 Yeah.
00:16:04.000 It's tough because I really, I mean, on those Friday and Saturdays, I remember those.
00:16:09.000 I honestly want some of the best nights.
00:16:11.000 You were there for all of them.
00:16:12.000 Some of the best nights that I've ever had as a comic.
00:16:15.000 That place packed.
00:16:16.000 And it's like that old Cobbs that you were talking about.
00:16:18.000 When you get that 150 to 200 seater just really packed, that's a great...
00:16:23.000 That was a fun gig, man, because when I was doing Fear Factor, I couldn't really travel.
00:16:28.000 And so I just set up shop at the comedy store.
00:16:30.000 And I set it up so that...
00:16:32.000 I paid for everything.
00:16:33.000 I paid for the sound system.
00:16:34.000 I advertised everything on MySpace.
00:16:36.000 I never asked for a dime.
00:16:37.000 Packed the place every weekend and worked totally for free.
00:16:40.000 And when that was happening, man, that was the most fun time ever for comedy for me.
00:16:47.000 We had some good times.
00:16:48.000 Crazy weekends.
00:16:49.000 Crazy weekends.
00:16:50.000 At least 10 times I bought the entire audience's shots.
00:16:54.000 Oh yeah, that's crazy.
00:16:55.000 I forgot about that.
00:16:56.000 Remember that?
00:16:56.000 The whole audience had shots.
00:16:58.000 Whenever I would kick somebody out, I would go, look, I know that we just went through this douchey moment together, but we can change this.
00:17:04.000 We can get out of this feeling.
00:17:06.000 I know this feels terrible. 1.00
00:17:06.000 We had some drunk assholes yelling things and they got kicked out. 1.00
00:17:09.000 And everybody feels weird, like, what the fuck, man? 1.00
00:17:12.000 And there's a few people going, oh, they paid too. 1.00
00:17:14.000 Stop! 1.00
00:17:15.000 Those are douchebags, right? 0.90
00:17:16.000 We're not douchebags. 1.00
00:17:18.000 We're going to change all this shit. 0.98
00:17:19.000 So I would like to buy you guys a drink, everybody, and kind of bring the mood back. 0.98
00:17:24.000 And everybody would cheer.
00:17:25.000 And we'd all wait.
00:17:25.000 I would say that's the one thing that we've got to wait.
00:17:27.000 We've got to wait.
00:17:27.000 And everybody waited, man.
00:17:29.000 Every time.
00:17:29.000 We never had an issue with people drinking their shots.
00:17:31.000 Early.
00:17:32.000 The waitresses, they hustled, they came back and forth. 0.99
00:17:34.000 They had to do like fucking 10, 15 trips, you know, with big trays full of shots. 0.99
00:17:38.000 But we gave shots to everybody that wanted them. 0.98
00:17:40.000 Yeah.
00:17:40.000 Probably a few alcoholics fell off the wagon.
00:17:43.000 Probably a few guys were like, well, fuck it, man. 1.00
00:17:45.000 He's giving me a shot. 1.00
00:17:46.000 I don't want to be a dick. 1.00
00:17:48.000 And next thing he's blacked out with his pants down. 0.99
00:17:50.000 You know, a lot of people say, shots for everybody. 0.94
00:17:53.000 But that was a shitload of people.
00:17:55.000 It was thousands of dollars every time. 0.52
00:17:58.000 It wasn't shots for everybody and there was 10 people there in the bar. 0.99
00:18:01.000 That's what shots for everybody in a big fucking room. 0.99
00:18:04.000 But it worked, though. 0.99
00:18:06.000 It totally restored the vibe.
00:18:07.000 Because first of all, everybody knew that I was paying for it.
00:18:10.000 So it was going to cost real money.
00:18:12.000 And it was just all for the vibe to fix it because we can.
00:18:18.000 That was the whole attitude about it.
00:18:20.000 And that should be the attitude of comedy. 0.92
00:18:23.000 It's about getting into it and finding what's fucking fun about it. 0.68
00:18:27.000 And taking everybody to what's fun. 0.94
00:18:29.000 And when you have an opportunity to correct the vibe of the room.
00:18:34.000 You know, if you can do it like that, that's really what it's all about, right?
00:18:37.000 Now, Al, you said you used to do a podcast like five years ago when the podcast first came out, and those were really big back in the day, and they kind of died.
00:18:46.000 Yeah, there was like a podcast.
00:18:48.000 What was it called?
00:18:50.000 You know, it was four years ago.
00:18:51.000 I don't even know what it was.
00:18:52.000 You don't know your own podcast is called?
00:18:54.000 I did 17 episodes.
00:18:55.000 That's a lot.
00:18:56.000 Do you think it's a lot?
00:18:57.000 I did a TV show in 1994. I only did six episodes.
00:19:01.000 I can tell you a lot about it.
00:19:02.000 It was, it was, we had sort of many names for the thing, but it was the, I did it with Peter Murrieta, a comedy writer, and so it was just, he's half Mexican and I'm half Mexican, and it was two.
00:19:15.000 Combining full China, together you were one Mexican. 0.98
00:19:17.000 It was called the two, yeah, one Mexican. 0.99
00:19:19.000 Together we are one Mexican.
00:19:20.000 That would be a good name for it.
00:19:21.000 Together one Mexican.
00:19:22.000 Together we are one Mexican.
00:19:23.000 And we still don't speak Spanish.
00:19:26.000 You don't speak anything?
00:19:27.000 No, not really.
00:19:28.000 It's horrible.
00:19:29.000 Beaners must get mad at you.
00:19:30.000 Yeah, it's...
00:19:31.000 Like I said, just like the allergies put me...
00:19:34.000 I'm in a weird spot with the big guy with the Laker jersey.
00:19:38.000 The big guys with the Laker jersey.
00:19:40.000 You know, and that's my problem also, is that they...
00:19:42.000 In LA, they segment you.
00:19:43.000 When I was working with Joe in San Francisco when we first started, I didn't even know I was a Latino comic.
00:19:47.000 I was just a comic.
00:19:48.000 And then you move down to LA, and immediately I got put in this HBO Aspen comedy thing where it was me, Jeff Garcia, Freddy Soto, Willie Barsena, all these guys together.
00:20:00.000 They're like, get on the bus, Vic.
00:20:01.000 Yeah, and they gave me a tin of Red Hots.
00:20:04.000 They brought me a tin of Red Hots.
00:20:06.000 And they said, this is for you.
00:20:07.000 It says HBO Latino on it.
00:20:08.000 And this guy, Mateo, comes up and goes, my name is Mateo.
00:20:11.000 Can I interview you in Spanish? 0.98
00:20:13.000 You know, and shit like that. 0.99
00:20:14.000 I was like, yeah, you can fucking try. 0.99
00:20:16.000 It's not going to work out, Mateo. 0.99
00:20:18.000 I don't know why.
00:20:19.000 I'm not a Latino comic. 1.00
00:20:21.000 I'm just a fucking comic. 0.99
00:20:22.000 And I went to my friend, Becky Pettigo. 0.99
00:20:23.000 I was like, they give you a hat, and they give me fucking Red Hots. 0.99
00:20:27.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:20:30.000 I'm not with these guys.
00:20:31.000 And I looked at her and I swear to God.
00:20:32.000 I'm not with these guys.
00:20:34.000 I said, I said, I looked at her and I go, I'm a Mexican comedian.
00:20:41.000 I swear to God.
00:20:42.000 And I was like, I just learned it.
00:20:44.000 Oh, no.
00:20:45.000 And so I did the sets.
00:20:47.000 And that's weird for me because, you know, it's just like you sort of get put in that group and they all sort of make funny.
00:20:52.000 I did New Year's.
00:20:53.000 Did they make fun of you?
00:20:54.000 Like the real Mexican comics?
00:20:56.000 Dude, I remember walking up to, you know how those comedy breakdance circles form?
00:21:02.000 A group of comics standing in a circle.
00:21:03.000 Right, right, right. 0.94
00:21:04.000 And I do CTV, the Latino comedy festival on TV show for CTV, a shitty wannabe English-speaking Latino station. 1.00
00:21:14.000 I think still exists.
00:21:15.000 And it's really tiny at the time.
00:21:17.000 So they're doing stand-up.
00:21:18.000 And I stand up in there with this guy Rick Gutierrez and all these Mexican comics.
00:21:23.000 And they're talking about how him and Gabriel live together and they don't go on the road.
00:21:27.000 They're on the road so much that no one's ever at their house.
00:21:30.000 And I look at them and I go, wow, must have a lot of dead plants.
00:21:38.000 And then the guy looks at me and goes, we don't have any plants, bro.
00:21:42.000 What are you talking about?
00:21:43.000 We don't have any plants, bro. 1.00
00:21:44.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:21:45.000 No plants? 1.00
00:21:47.000 That's how I feel around all these guys.
00:21:49.000 I got made fun of every night over New Year's by a comic that I was supposed to co-headline with.
00:21:56.000 I'll never do another Latino show again. 1.00
00:21:58.000 You got made fun of?
00:21:59.000 Yeah, I was supposed to co-headline.
00:22:02.000 Who is it? 0.99
00:22:02.000 It's fucking Willie. 0.99
00:22:03.000 Willie Barsan made fun of you? 1.00
00:22:04.000 Yeah.
00:22:05.000 Well, he didn't think he was making fun of me, but we had a conversation about it, and I felt like he was just...
00:22:10.000 He kept bringing up my name, like, saying...
00:22:12.000 And he actually said this at one point.
00:22:13.000 He goes, I don't want my kids to grow up like Al, you know?
00:22:16.000 Like, all scared.
00:22:18.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:22:19.000 And she was talking about me and doing the whole, my name is Al Madrigal and I'm a Latino. 0.98
00:22:28.000 Like, okay, I fucking get it. 0.95
00:22:30.000 I talk about myself and I'm self-deprecating. 0.97
00:22:33.000 So we were doing the New Year's countdown and he was off on his time.
00:22:38.000 He started trying to do the countdown five minutes early. 0.99
00:22:41.000 Everybody has fucking cell phones. 0.99
00:22:42.000 They call him on, you know, they're like, no, it's not it! 0.99
00:22:45.000 What are you doing?
00:22:45.000 And so he has to wait.
00:22:47.000 And then he yells to the back of the room to the manager at the sack punch.
00:22:51.000 He goes, you trying to humiliate me, bro, up here on stage?
00:22:54.000 And I grabbed the back mic, flipped it on really quick, and I go, what's the matter, Willie?
00:22:58.000 Don't like being humiliated on stage? 0.99
00:23:00.000 Does that fucking get to you? 0.99
00:23:03.000 And he's like this badass. 1.00
00:23:05.000 He's like an East L.A. street fighter that's killed people.
00:23:11.000 And then he goes, we had a problem, bro.
00:23:13.000 And he goes, I love Willie.
00:23:16.000 And I go, look Willie.
00:23:18.000 And I made him understand.
00:23:19.000 I go, I get just as angry as you do, but I don't have the fighting ability.
00:23:23.000 Do you understand me? 0.99
00:23:24.000 I go, I'm just as fired up as you've killed guys, you know, and fucking annihilated people. 0.99
00:23:31.000 And I don't have the ability to do that, but I still feel fucking angry as shit. 1.00
00:23:37.000 So you got angry at him saying that you were scared on stage, that he was talking shit about you on stage. 0.98
00:23:41.000 I just don't like when any comic brings up to your next comic before them and starts really fucking referring to somebody, you know, and... 0.98
00:23:48.000 Derogatory. 0.54
00:23:49.000 Yeah, he was using me as an example of what...
00:23:51.000 But what if you were really good friends with them and you were joking around with them, like...
00:23:55.000 I have friends and they go on after each other and joke around about each other.
00:24:00.000 Joey will go on after Ari and talk about Ari being a Jew.
00:24:06.000 But how well do those guys know each other?
00:24:08.000 Real good.
00:24:09.000 I always make fun of Joey.
00:24:12.000 But it's like...
00:24:13.000 Oh, no.
00:24:14.000 Then it's all about the relationship.
00:24:15.000 I totally get that.
00:24:16.000 So your relationship, it's more like he's actually mocking you. 0.97
00:24:19.000 Yeah, I think it really fucking means it. 0.98
00:24:20.000 I don't want my kids to grow up like you all scared. 0.91
00:24:22.000 At Montreal in 2002, and I've told him this story, and we've talked about it, and I walked up to him, and he was the only other non-white, you know, like, he's the only Latino guy there, and I don't know anybody, and I waved to him.
00:24:34.000 I go, hey, Willie!
00:24:35.000 Hey, nice to meet you.
00:24:37.000 Al Madrigal.
00:24:38.000 And he looked at me and goes, you don't even say your own last name right, bro.
00:24:42.000 Like, I'm talking Wow.
00:24:44.000 How are you supposed to say it?
00:24:46.000 Like Madrigal.
00:24:47.000 Wow.
00:24:47.000 You're supposed to really...
00:24:48.000 Could you imagine if you really did that though and rolled your tongue and everything?
00:24:51.000 You'd be committed to every other word.
00:24:53.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:24:53.000 You can't just do it for that.
00:24:55.000 Yeah.
00:24:56.000 You can't just roll the name and not roll anything.
00:24:58.000 Well, when I was in college, you went to Tijuana.
00:25:00.000 What?
00:25:01.000 What?
00:25:01.000 Oh, excuse me.
00:25:03.000 Tijuana.
00:25:04.000 Tijuana.
00:25:05.000 Yeah, you got to commit.
00:25:07.000 When I do the weigh-ins and I have to pronounce dudes' names, I have to decide whether or not I want to commit to that super Spanish way of saying things, you know?
00:25:15.000 And there's a lot of Mexicans in the UFC, right?
00:25:17.000 Sure, yeah, yeah.
00:25:20.000 It's the correct way to say it.
00:25:21.000 But it's like, you know, like, Montreal is how we say it.
00:25:24.000 But they say Montreal.
00:25:26.000 They say Montreal.
00:25:27.000 So really, you should say Montreal. 0.99
00:25:29.000 Like, who the fuck are you to say Montreal? 1.00
00:25:32.000 That's not their city, asshole. 1.00
00:25:33.000 I used to get pissed when people say Frisco and shit like that. 1.00
00:25:36.000 You did? 0.99
00:25:36.000 No San Franciscan likes Stug and Frisco. 0.99
00:25:38.000 You're really, like, touchy.
00:25:39.000 Oh, San Fran.
00:25:40.000 You used to get pissed at them calling it San Fran?
00:25:43.000 Oh, no, no, no.
00:25:43.000 I'm just saying as a native...
00:25:44.000 Do you prefer Faggotville? 1.00
00:25:46.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:25:46.000 I do. 0.99
00:25:47.000 What is the most derogatory name to think about San Francisco?
00:25:50.000 No, I'm just saying when you're calling it the wrong thing and you're a local, you know...
00:25:54.000 I mean, no one's expected to pronounce everything correctly. 0.99
00:25:56.000 By the way, I'm not saying faggot anymore. 0.99
00:25:58.000 Out of retirement. 0.99
00:26:00.000 It's an example of a derogatory thing that's someone else. 0.99
00:26:04.000 Yeah, I totally stopped saying faggot. 0.97
00:26:06.000 Did you hear that Toronto is censoring the Mark Knopfler song, the Dire Straits song? 0.99
00:26:12.000 What is that song?
00:26:14.000 The Rockstar song? 1.00
00:26:17.000 What is that fucking song? 1.00
00:26:18.000 God damn it. 1.00
00:26:19.000 It's Dire Straits. 0.99
00:26:20.000 You don't know who Dire Straits is?
00:26:21.000 Money for Nothing.
00:26:22.000 Money for Nothing and Chicks for Free? 1.00
00:26:23.000 Right. 1.00
00:26:24.000 Because that song has the word faggot in it three times. 1.00
00:26:27.000 Oh, you little faggot. 1.00
00:26:28.000 With his own jet airplane. 1.00
00:26:30.000 That little faggot, he's a millionaire. 1.00
00:26:32.000 Damn, I forgot about that. 1.00
00:26:33.000 That shit was on the radio. 1.00
00:26:35.000 So just the city of Toronto, that's it? 1.00
00:26:38.000 Well, no, it was in Toronto.
00:26:40.000 It was in the newspaper in Toronto.
00:26:41.000 And they've decided, I guess in Canada, to start censoring that song.
00:26:45.000 At least in Canada.
00:26:46.000 I mean, I don't know if they do in America.
00:26:48.000 When they play it on classic rock.
00:26:50.000 It's tricky.
00:26:51.000 It's tricky, man, because, I mean, that is a gay slur, and it's on a major song that's on the TV. That was a very popular song.
00:26:59.000 Remember, that was one of the first music videos, too.
00:27:01.000 Yeah, it was on TV. It was like 3D animation.
00:27:03.000 I don't think they said faggot on the... 0.99
00:27:04.000 Yes, they did. 1.00
00:27:05.000 Yeah, they did.
00:27:06.000 On the popular version?
00:27:07.000 Yeah, absolutely.
00:27:08.000 On the television version, on the radio version.
00:27:09.000 Oh, we could look up the MTV video right now.
00:27:11.000 Yeah, let's look up the MTV video.
00:27:13.000 Let's not listen to it, though, because it's really not that good.
00:27:15.000 No, no, no, no.
00:27:16.000 You know, they had some killer songs, but that wasn't one of them.
00:27:18.000 That was just so poppy.
00:27:19.000 That was one of the old videos where they had like neon flashing in the background.
00:27:23.000 You know what's dope?
00:27:26.000 Roller Girl.
00:27:27.000 You ever heard that song Roller Girl from Dire Straits?
00:27:29.000 No, but Roller Girl from Boogie Nights. 1.00
00:27:31.000 You like that shit? 1.00
00:27:33.000 Apparently that bitch is crazy. 1.00
00:27:35.000 Oh, she just did the hangover. 1.00
00:27:37.000 Yeah?
00:27:38.000 Yeah.
00:27:38.000 Oh, that's right.
00:27:39.000 She was a hooker. 1.00
00:27:40.000 Yeah, she was a hooker. 1.00
00:27:40.000 That's a good roll. 1.00
00:27:41.000 Yeah, I heard she's off the charts crazy. 1.00
00:27:43.000 I love people like that.
00:27:45.000 Just like knowing they're out there.
00:27:47.000 Dire Straits.
00:27:48.000 It's not fun.
00:27:51.000 Do they have it?
00:27:53.000 Skate Away, Dire Straits Skate Away.
00:27:55.000 That could be it.
00:27:56.000 Yeah, Skate Away. 0.99
00:27:59.000 Let's say.
00:28:05.000 Skateaway?
00:28:06.000 Didn't he say Roller Girl?
00:28:08.000 Yeah, this is it.
00:28:11.000 This is a song from my childhood, man.
00:28:14.000 This is a song from... 0.98
00:28:16.000 I mean, I might have been like fucking 13 or 12 or some shit when this song was out. 0.96
00:28:24.000 They're brilliant musicians, man. 0.98
00:28:26.000 It's like...
00:28:27.000 It's a different kind of rock and roll.
00:28:29.000 They were really big, too.
00:28:30.000 It's not like this is some...
00:28:32.000 No, they were huge, bro.
00:28:33.000 They were huge.
00:28:34.000 They were huge.
00:28:35.000 When I was in high school, Dire Straits were gigantic.
00:28:37.000 That was...
00:28:38.000 It's a cool video, too.
00:28:45.000 Is that a Walkman she has on? 0.97
00:28:47.000 Yeah, it's a giant, man.
00:28:49.000 The biggest Walkman.
00:28:53.000 Yeah, it's a cassette.
00:28:54.000 The cars do the usual dances.
00:28:58.000 Same old cruise in the curbside crawl.
00:29:02.000 The roll of guns, he's taking chances.
00:29:06.000 Just love to see her take them all. 0.90
00:29:10.000 No fear alone at night, she's sailing through the crowd.
00:29:14.000 In her ears, it's bones are tight and the music's playing loud.
00:29:20.000 Yeah, I don't know.
00:29:22.000 I'm not really feeling this song.
00:29:24.000 Are you guys?
00:29:24.000 Yes.
00:29:25.000 Love it.
00:29:26.000 How dare you, Brian.
00:29:27.000 That girl needs to skate away from me. 1.00
00:29:29.000 She's ugly. 1.00
00:29:29.000 She's living in 1979, dude. 1.00
00:29:31.000 They didn't have makeup back then.
00:29:33.000 They used to dress themselves up with flowers. 0.72
00:29:35.000 Yeah, clown makeup it looks like.
00:29:38.000 You know she used to have to waitin' around. 1.00
00:29:40.000 She used to be the lonely one. 0.83
00:29:43.000 This is a window to another world, bro.
00:29:45.000 This is a different era. 0.99
00:29:47.000 That's how crazy this fucking world is evolving and how quickly. 1.00
00:29:50.000 Look at that big stupid Walkman she's got on. 1.00
00:29:54.000 You know, her giant stupid headsets. 1.00
00:29:56.000 All those stupid headsets, big ones like we're wearing right now, they've made a comeback because of those beats. 1.00
00:30:02.000 Dr. Dre. 1.00
00:30:02.000 Yeah, everybody wants to pretend they're a fucking DJ. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna get a real good sample of this music, you know what I'm saying? 1.00
00:30:08.000 I need full coverage of my ears, you know what I'm saying?
00:30:11.000 Like, I gotta hear the whole song. 1.00
00:30:13.000 I gotta hear the dirty shit in the background, you know what I'm saying? 0.99
00:30:15.000 I've got the Bose noise-canceling ones for airplanes. 1.00
00:30:19.000 Those are dope. 0.77
00:30:19.000 Yeah, the Beats ones, I have those. 0.77
00:30:21.000 They cancel the noise, too.
00:30:22.000 It's nice.
00:30:23.000 I like how rap battles have moved on to headphones now, because it's like you've got the Dr. Dre ones now, and I think 50 Cent has...
00:30:29.000 Luda. 0.99
00:30:29.000 Luda just came out with his own shit. 0.99
00:30:31.000 Why not? 1.00
00:30:32.000 Everybody should have their own headphones.
00:30:33.000 I want my own headphones.
00:30:34.000 That would be cool.
00:30:35.000 I think it's an easy company startup.
00:30:37.000 A little alien logo on the headphones.
00:30:38.000 You can smoke them when you're done listening.
00:30:40.000 Yeah, right?
00:30:41.000 We could store a stash, like there's an extra battery area.
00:30:44.000 Everybody that listens to the show would have a set of those Joe Rogan headphones.
00:30:48.000 That would be weird.
00:30:48.000 That would be step one of the cult.
00:30:50.000 Step one.
00:30:51.000 Step two, purple Nikes. 1.00
00:30:52.000 Step three, alien logo tattooed somewhere in your body.
00:30:55.000 Step four, try DMT. Step five.
00:30:58.000 Have you embraced Twitter, Al?
00:31:00.000 Are you on that thing?
00:31:01.000 Are you addicted to it?
00:31:02.000 You know what?
00:31:03.000 I read a lot more than I post.
00:31:07.000 Someone's a lurker.
00:31:08.000 I'm not that much of a little guy.
00:31:09.000 So tell me this problem that you were having at the comedy store that you were talking about.
00:31:13.000 Well, you know, it's...
00:31:14.000 I guess when you stay in one place for too long, it's with your job or with anything else.
00:31:21.000 You just start to realize that the people...
00:31:23.000 If you start associating with the same people over and over again, sometimes it gets a little negative...
00:31:29.000 Yeah.
00:31:29.000 There's always been a real negative vibe there.
00:31:32.000 But the stage time is amazing.
00:31:34.000 And we just were talking about all the good times.
00:31:36.000 It's like running with weights on.
00:31:37.000 Yeah.
00:31:37.000 That's what we talked about.
00:31:38.000 We had some great times there.
00:31:39.000 Definitely.
00:31:40.000 Working out there is harder than working out anywhere else.
00:31:44.000 Yeah.
00:31:45.000 I think Blaine Kompatch, who's a very funny comedian, said, if comedy clubs were a video game, Then the Comedy Store would be one of the hardest levels.
00:31:55.000 Boss level.
00:31:55.000 Boss level.
00:31:56.000 And then you'd go like Laugh Factory Improv.
00:31:59.000 And then when you get down easy, it would be like the UCB and all those things.
00:32:04.000 Because they're very, very supportive and smart.
00:32:07.000 And everyone's paying attention.
00:32:09.000 And at the Comedy Store, I have Russian guys yelling out at you constantly.
00:32:14.000 And so...
00:32:15.000 But you know what, though?
00:32:16.000 The sad part about this store is when it reveals its true side.
00:32:19.000 When someone goes up who's not good and kills.
00:32:22.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:32:22.000 Someone goes up with some really dumb, hacky shit and they destroy. 1.00
00:32:26.000 That's what I was talking about. 1.00
00:32:26.000 And then you go, oh, you guys aren't cool. 1.00
00:32:28.000 No.
00:32:29.000 You're just in the dark.
00:32:30.000 That's what I was talking about. 1.00
00:32:31.000 You're just dummies in the dark. 0.93
00:32:33.000 It sort of makes you feel bad about yourself when you go up and you think you had a good set. 0.99
00:32:37.000 And then just the worst comic in the world goes up fucking two, three after you and just murders.
00:32:43.000 Well, you know, that's a symptom of what you were talking about with like the UCB. Well, the UCB is very well organized. 0.98
00:32:50.000 They've got a very clear ethic.
00:32:52.000 They're trying to, you know, put out good art.
00:32:54.000 They're trying to put out good comedy to support it.
00:32:56.000 You know, it's like it's very obvious what they're up to.
00:32:58.000 And so because of that, that's the kind of crowd they attract.
00:33:01.000 The Comedy Store is just, people are just walking by, you know, and they've heard the name, and they stumble in, and they don't know any better, or they know who's up.
00:33:10.000 It's dark and poorly advertised.
00:33:10.000 Or it could be, hey, Al Magical, put it on Twitter, he's gonna be at the Comedy Store tonight, let's go down and check it out.
00:33:14.000 But it's like, you get such a hodgepodge. 0.62
00:33:17.000 It is like a vortex of crazy people.
00:33:20.000 For whatever reason, crazy people are drawn to that spot.
00:33:24.000 I don't want to believe in energy. 1.00
00:33:26.000 I don't want to believe in any of that fucking crystal-sucking astrological bullshit. 1.00
00:33:30.000 I don't want to believe in that. 1.00
00:33:31.000 I want to take things on face value.
00:33:33.000 But if ever there was some evidence for a place having crazy energy and having a weird attraction to it... 0.99
00:33:41.000 That fucking comedy store was it, man. 0.99
00:33:43.000 I'm the same way. 1.00
00:33:43.000 I feel like I don't believe in any of that crap. 1.00
00:33:46.000 But if there was ever a place for that to exist, it would have to be. 0.93
00:33:51.000 Something weird is happening.
00:33:52.000 Yeah, maybe its effects are over-exaggerated.
00:33:55.000 You can't only have shitty times at a place like that.
00:33:58.000 But when you find out the history of that place, and you know that it was Bugsy Siegel's nightclub...
00:34:02.000 Back in the Prohibition days.
00:34:04.000 Abortion doctors.
00:34:05.000 Yeah, who said that?
00:34:07.000 Eliza Schlesinger said they were doing abortions in the basement. 1.00
00:34:10.000 But we always get into the subject about how fucking crazy that place is and how creepy it is. 0.99
00:34:15.000 But they kill people there, for sure. 0.99
00:34:17.000 And maybe there's like a little shred of that that's still in the room.
00:34:20.000 It's no funny bone.
00:34:22.000 There's no corporate comedy club that's a little bit different.
00:34:26.000 There's no animated microphone with another microphone standing in the background.
00:34:31.000 Showing you who's coming up next week.
00:34:33.000 That's the other thing. 0.94
00:34:34.000 When you get used to being in other clubs, you get used to working for the improv, and you see how fucking organized they are.
00:34:40.000 They have posters of guys that are going to be there next week with supporting acts.
00:34:45.000 The show times and they have a, you know, online where you can buy tickets.
00:34:48.000 It's all on the poster.
00:34:49.000 And they're just like way in advance. 0.95
00:34:50.000 You go to the store, there's a piece of paper that fucking Tommy's got spilled coffee on, you know, and has everybody's name written on it.
00:34:58.000 You know, and if you call in and you ask, oh, who's up tonight? 0.95
00:35:00.000 They're like, um, um, who's up? 0.98
00:35:04.000 Where's the fucking list? 0.97
00:35:06.000 Um, it's like nobody, nobody knows what's going on. 0.99
00:35:09.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:35:10.000 But at one point in time, yeah, he wants to know if you're sucking cocks too. 0.99
00:35:13.000 That's what he asked Brian. 1.00
00:35:14.000 Brian, I'm sucking cocks. 1.00
00:35:15.000 Yeah, I get off stage and he goes, you're sucking cocks now too? 1.00
00:35:19.000 Fucking work for Joe Rogan. 1.00
00:35:21.000 Fucking just went off on me. 1.00
00:35:23.000 I had like a good set and I get off stage Tommy and he just goes crazy on me. 1.00
00:35:27.000 Just saying I was gay and I was using the comedy store and I was a spy and I was sucking dicks and just fucking non-stop crazy shit. 1.00
00:35:37.000 Why did you get off stage and ask me, you're sucking dicks? 1.00
00:35:39.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:35:39.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00
00:35:41.000 Well, what's funny is... 0.99
00:35:42.000 I don't want to be greeted like that ever.
00:35:44.000 I know.
00:35:45.000 It's bad.
00:35:46.000 And what sucked is like...
00:35:47.000 It's so cool.
00:35:47.000 What's funny is I got off stage and I was just feeling so happy and good.
00:35:50.000 And then when he did that to me, I was like, oh, why are you doing this to me?
00:35:54.000 He buzzkilled you, dude. 0.84
00:35:55.000 He buzzkilled you.
00:35:56.000 Yeah, but after talking to a lot of comics, I guess that's just what he does.
00:36:00.000 And he's trying to scare you into things.
00:36:02.000 So he's using intimidation tactics?
00:36:05.000 Yeah.
00:36:05.000 She just swung on him.
00:36:07.000 When a dude does that, you swing on him, you put your dick in his face. 1.00
00:36:10.000 Just pull your dick out. 1.00
00:36:11.000 You hold him down, you pull your dick out, and just rub it all over his face. 1.00
00:36:14.000 Don't you ever fucking do that to me again. 1.00
00:36:17.000 I have thoughts like that constantly. 0.99
00:36:18.000 That's what makes me sort of dangerous.
00:36:20.000 I just gotta go in.
00:36:21.000 You gotta develop a good mount. 0.95
00:36:22.000 I just gotta go and do my job and get the fuck out. 0.94
00:36:25.000 You know what I'm talking about? 1.00
00:36:27.000 Talking about rubbing your dick on his face. 1.00
00:36:29.000 No. 1.00
00:36:29.000 Yeah, well, there's a lot of negative energy in that place. 1.00
00:36:33.000 What you were talking about before that you don't want to talk about, obviously.
00:36:36.000 There's a new comedy thief at the comedy store, a guy that got kicked out of the Ha Ha Cafe, and he's another one of these guys that's blatantly on purpose looking to steal people's material and use it.
00:36:48.000 Yeah, but I have to be very clear, and I don't even want to get involved.
00:36:52.000 I don't even care.
00:36:53.000 Well, we're not even going to bring the guy's name up.
00:36:54.000 We don't even have to bring his name up.
00:36:56.000 That's not the issue.
00:36:56.000 What I was talking about was how the club justified it, and how they actually told you when you brought the guy's name up that he's not bad looking on the eyes.
00:37:05.000 Yeah.
00:37:06.000 That's actually a Tommy quote, right?
00:37:08.000 Yeah.
00:37:09.000 Whoopsies.
00:37:09.000 Sorry.
00:37:10.000 Yeah, this is what he said to me.
00:37:11.000 So you're a comic now?
00:37:13.000 And I said, yeah, I try.
00:37:14.000 And he goes, you working for Joe Rogan still?
00:37:16.000 Yeah.
00:37:17.000 I still work for him. 1.00
00:37:17.000 You suck cock now, too? 1.00
00:37:19.000 What? 1.00
00:37:20.000 And then I wrote, I said, don't go together. 1.00
00:37:23.000 If you need to repeat that, you're working for Joe Rogan, you suck cock now. 1.00
00:37:26.000 And Brian said, yeah, two. 1.00
00:37:27.000 I said, yeah, I suck two cocks. 1.00
00:37:29.000 Two. 1.00
00:37:29.000 Three, four cocks. 1.00
00:37:30.000 And then he goes, you come with me at this criticism. 1.00
00:37:33.000 You go on stage and you work for that phony fuck. 1.00
00:37:36.000 And it's just like, where is this coming from? 1.00
00:37:38.000 They just really took the wrong sides.
00:37:40.000 And this whole thing is about them making the wrong choices, you know, just throughout.
00:37:47.000 Look, they give me a lot of...
00:37:48.000 It's negative energy, man.
00:37:50.000 That's why they have to do it. 1.00
00:37:51.000 They're sucked into their own suck. 0.98
00:37:53.000 But then I got my ankle weights, and I want to go. 0.98
00:37:56.000 I can wear...
00:37:56.000 You don't have to, though.
00:37:58.000 It's not necessary.
00:37:59.000 My act got a lot better as soon as I stopped being there.
00:38:02.000 I got less angry.
00:38:03.000 And I think some of my comedy was being formed by the energy in that place.
00:38:08.000 There's a lot of great things about that place, but...
00:38:11.000 It's dark.
00:38:12.000 I love hanging out there.
00:38:13.000 I love it just because of the people. 0.98
00:38:15.000 But other than that, if they all hung out at fucking Waffle House, I'd be there. 0.97
00:38:18.000 Brian, you remember that time we were filming and that hooker came back and just started talking to us about the business and how she meets guys and how she sets it up? 0.99
00:38:25.000 It was pretty crazy, man.
00:38:26.000 Out of nowhere.
00:38:27.000 This girl just came up to us and she seemed fairly normal, right?
00:38:33.000 She didn't seem totally crazy.
00:38:34.000 She was just having a good time like everybody else. 0.99
00:38:38.000 Then she starts talking about being a hooker. 1.00
00:38:40.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:38:40.000 It's crazy. 1.00
00:38:41.000 I run into hookers a lot more often than I thought I would ever run into hookers. 1.00
00:38:46.000 They just come up and start talking to you, and they act normal.
00:38:48.000 They don't say that they're a hooker. 1.00
00:38:50.000 You think, oh, this girl's talking to me. 0.99
00:38:52.000 And then suddenly she slips into she's a hooker. 1.00
00:38:55.000 Sneaky little hooker. 1.00
00:38:56.000 Well, think of the world that you travel in, though. 1.00
00:38:58.000 You travel in a very interesting world.
00:39:00.000 I mean, if you looked at your life from any other part of the world, you take some guy from Idaho and say, hey, I'm going to hang out with this guy.
00:39:06.000 What are you going to do today?
00:39:07.000 Well, I'm going to hang out with this girl. 0.98
00:39:09.000 She's a penthouse pet of the year. 0.95
00:39:10.000 We're going to go to this porn awards party. 0.63
00:39:12.000 And then we're going to go to the improv where there's a naughty show and a bunch of porn stars are going to go up. 1.00
00:39:16.000 And then I'm going to hang out with some stand-up comedian friends of mine and we're going to smoke a lot of pot.
00:39:20.000 It's an interesting lifestyle. 1.00
00:39:21.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:39:23.000 This is your life? 1.00
00:39:24.000 I want to go.
00:39:25.000 This is crazy, man.
00:39:26.000 Do you want to have a tag along?
00:39:27.000 I should have gone to college, I guess.
00:39:30.000 Then you'd be out of work.
00:39:32.000 You sort of do look into your life and you're like, how did I end up doing a job? 0.98
00:39:36.000 But that's why there's so many hookers in your life is what I'm trying to tell you. 1.00
00:39:39.000 You're traveling in strange circles. 0.99
00:39:40.000 I'm definitely hooker material. 0.99
00:39:43.000 Not that there's anything wrong with being a hooker, man. 0.99
00:39:46.000 A buddy of mine was talking to me about this Thai massage place that he goes to, and they give you a real Thai massage, and then they jerk you off. 0.99
00:39:52.000 And he talked about it like it was the greatest meal. 0.99
00:39:56.000 You know, like I would talk to you about a certain steakhouse that knows exactly How to fucking cook a good piece of meat where you cut into that medium rare and the outside is just crispy, but the inside is juicy and delicious and warm and the fucking blood from the meat just fires up your synapses. 0.99
00:40:13.000 That's how this guy talked about getting jerked off by this Thai lady. 0.99
00:40:17.000 He was talking about it like it was the most amazing thing. 0.99
00:40:19.000 He goes, somebody told me to go to this place.
00:40:21.000 I didn't think it was that kind of place because it looked like a real place.
00:40:25.000 And he goes, and I go in there...
00:40:27.000 And I'm going, well, obviously, I'm not going to pull my pants down because this is a legit place.
00:40:31.000 I'm getting a real massage.
00:40:33.000 Like, they're giving him a real massage.
00:40:34.000 They're stretching him out, they're rubbing him down, elbows in, muscles loosening, all that thing.
00:40:40.000 He's like, I'm getting a legit massage. 0.99
00:40:41.000 There's no way this St. Broad's jerking me off. 0.98
00:40:43.000 And then at the end, after like 40 minutes of that, she's like, so, does that feel good to you? 1.00
00:40:47.000 And he's like, get the fuck out of here. 0.99
00:40:49.000 This is a fantasy. 1.00
00:40:51.000 She starts rubbing his leg.
00:40:52.000 Yeah.
00:40:53.000 You know, do you want anything more?
00:40:54.000 Do you want anything more? 1.00
00:40:55.000 And the next thing you know, she like glances over his dick and he arches his back like towards her hand as she glances over his dick and then she just gets, that's the green light, she gets a hold of it, pulls out the lotion, starts rubbing his balls, jerks him off, bam, done. 1.00
00:41:08.000 Wow. 1.00
00:41:09.000 It's like 40 bucks.
00:41:10.000 Wow.
00:41:10.000 I've gone to a place like that, and the chick turned to me.
00:41:15.000 She's going to ask you if you want the extra parts, because a lot of them Abby charge more.
00:41:20.000 So she looks at me and she leans in and goes, do you want me to make banana cry? 1.00
00:41:24.000 Whoa! 0.99
00:41:26.000 I said, what are you fucking saying to me? 0.99
00:41:29.000 Banana feels bad about himself just being in here. 0.99
00:41:31.000 Banana cry.
00:41:32.000 So she offered?
00:41:34.000 Yeah, offered banana cry. 0.94
00:41:35.000 And you said no?
00:41:36.000 Well, you know, since having... 0.99
00:41:39.000 Yeah, my daughter sort of spoiled me for a lot of fucking... 1.00
00:41:43.000 Yeah, porn too, right? 1.00
00:41:44.000 A little bit. 0.92
00:41:45.000 Yeah, me a lot. 0.96
00:41:46.000 Strip clubs, porn, all that.
00:41:48.000 It's not the same anymore.
00:41:49.000 No, it's not.
00:41:50.000 I mean, it used to be.
00:41:51.000 I would go out all the time.
00:41:52.000 I'd be there.
00:41:53.000 Before you have babies, you look at them, and I used to look at them as, this is a really hot check.
00:41:57.000 Like, wow, look at that body. 1.00
00:41:58.000 Look at that ass. 1.00
00:41:59.000 Now I go, why is she dancing? 1.00
00:42:01.000 Probably because her dad didn't love her.
00:42:02.000 Yeah.
00:42:03.000 And I'm going to love my daughter. 1.00
00:42:04.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:42:04.000 I'm going to be a better dad. 1.00
00:42:05.000 Yeah.
00:42:06.000 And also, yeah. 1.00
00:42:07.000 And also the germ factor and shit, too. 1.00
00:42:09.000 Like, these chicks are rubbing up on fucking all these dudes. 1.00
00:42:13.000 I can't... 1.00
00:42:14.000 When I go to a...
00:42:15.000 If they try to put you in a comedy condo, I would start...
00:42:18.000 I won't allow it. 0.99
00:42:19.000 Because I start thinking about fucking Mark Curry rubbing one out on the couch. 0.99
00:42:23.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:42:24.000 Mark Curry?
00:42:25.000 Why Mark Curry hanging with Mr. Cooper? 0.99
00:42:26.000 Dude, you look at the lineup and you go, oh my god, that guy was fucking here. 0.98
00:42:30.000 Mark Curry would be the least of my worries. 0.96
00:42:31.000 He's a cool dude.
00:42:32.000 Yeah, no, I love Mark Curry, but I'm just using him as an example of somebody just randomly in there.
00:42:36.000 I would go with Barry Diamond.
00:42:38.000 Barry Diamond just...
00:42:39.000 Barry Diamond shooting loads all over the couch.
00:42:41.000 Screaming, applying tanning cream.
00:42:43.000 He didn't have lotion, so he used his bronzer. 0.99
00:42:46.000 It's fucking... 1.00
00:42:47.000 He wants this dark fucking mahogany looking dick. 1.00
00:42:50.000 Because he never has lotion, so he has to use tanning lotion. 1.00
00:42:55.000 So his dick is orange. 1.00
00:42:57.000 His dick is like a giant carrot. 1.00
00:43:00.000 Like oompa loompa orange. 1.00
00:43:01.000 Like a dirty carrot.
00:43:06.000 Yeah, there's always that one dude that you know could have stayed the country. 0.98
00:43:09.000 I'm surprised there's not more comedy porno.
00:43:11.000 I know there is some of it, but I don't know how many people want to watch it, but I'm surprised.
00:43:15.000 Like comics?
00:43:15.000 Mix comedy and porno together?
00:43:17.000 Yeah.
00:43:17.000 Well, you know, what's his face?
00:43:18.000 Thomas Ward, who does a fantastic Bill Cosby.
00:43:21.000 Bill Cosby.
00:43:21.000 Was in a couple of porns, right?
00:43:24.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:43:24.000 Cosby type porns, yeah. 0.98
00:43:25.000 Where he didn't bang anybody, but he does his act in the background.
00:43:28.000 Thomas Ward is another one, man.
00:43:30.000 I got that guy, introduced that guy to my manager.
00:43:32.000 Many, many years ago.
00:43:34.000 Because I was like, this kid has got something. 0.98
00:43:36.000 He's like real raw, and he's got a good way of looking at things, and he's fucking just a natural on stage. 0.98
00:43:41.000 But for whatever reason, it just fucking didn't click with him. 0.97
00:43:45.000 You know? 0.99
00:43:46.000 So goddamn tricky. 0.96
00:43:48.000 Yeah. 0.98
00:43:49.000 You know, it's like you picked the wrong wave.
00:43:50.000 You're not in the right mindset.
00:43:52.000 You know, you're not...
00:43:54.000 You can never really get your life in order. 0.99
00:43:55.000 Whatever the fuck it is that keeps you from getting it right. 0.98
00:43:58.000 There's a lot of guys that we know. 0.99
00:43:59.000 You know, Holtzman's name comes up all the time.
00:44:02.000 Yeah, but it's like just allowing yourself not to get distracted and just staying on point.
00:44:06.000 You know, Holtzman's got a job that he works.
00:44:08.000 I think he was a mechanic for aircraft at some point.
00:44:12.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:44:13.000 And so he's got all these other life distractions, and you've got to be fucking... 0.98
00:44:16.000 on it if you want to go get something. 0.97
00:44:18.000 You got to be on it 100% and that's it.
00:44:19.000 And I think these guys are half-assing it.
00:44:21.000 They got themselves to a position of comfort. 0.98
00:44:23.000 See, that's what happens with any sort of fucking dream is you get yourself to a point. 0.99
00:44:27.000 You're like, oh, you start sacrificing by like compromising and you go, oh, I don't really need fucking that. 0.99
00:44:33.000 I'm happy with this. 0.99
00:44:35.000 And you get just reached to a point where you settle, you know, and you don't give a shit anymore. 0.99
00:44:38.000 So you're just like, I'm cool with this. 0.98
00:44:40.000 This is a great life right here. 0.99
00:44:42.000 I can just fucking stop trying. 0.99
00:44:43.000 I got this. 0.98
00:44:44.000 That's totally what I did, man.
00:44:46.000 When I was on news radio, dude, I didn't write anything.
00:44:49.000 And here's one of the things that turned it around. 0.91
00:44:51.000 I did sets, and when I would do these sets, I would basically do the same fucking material that I had had for years and years and years before.
00:44:59.000 I would just go up on the weekends, because it was easy, because it was something to do.
00:45:03.000 You know, I had this TV show, so I was doing the TV show all the time, and the weekends, I'd only been in LA a year, I didn't really know that many people, so my social life was going to the comedy clubs.
00:45:13.000 So I would go up and I would just do the same act pretty much, just over and over and over again.
00:45:17.000 Nobody knew who I was.
00:45:18.000 I didn't have any responsibility.
00:45:19.000 I didn't have any fans. 0.99
00:45:20.000 I had no responsibility to give them new shit. 0.99
00:45:22.000 And I lost my feeling for it. 0.99
00:45:25.000 It wasn't real anymore to me.
00:45:27.000 I wasn't in the comedy mode for real. 1.00
00:45:30.000 Because I was just reiterating the same shit. 0.98
00:45:32.000 And a few writers from the TV show, from News Radio, came to see me at the Comedy Store. 0.99
00:45:37.000 And I had a really late night set.
00:45:39.000 It was really late night in the main room.
00:45:41.000 When you have those late night sets in the main room, the energy just gets sucked out of the room, where there's nothing. 0.99
00:45:46.000 And I went on like next to last, and I ate a dick. 0.99
00:45:50.000 I felt like while I was saying it, that what I was saying was stupid, that it just felt empty to me. 1.00
00:45:57.000 Just reciting the Yeah, I could feel them feeling bad for me. 0.88
00:46:00.000 I could feel them judging me and not liking what they see.
00:46:03.000 I just did not have it.
00:46:05.000 I just wasn't in the groove.
00:46:06.000 And then I realized I'm slacking.
00:46:08.000 I'm not really writing.
00:46:09.000 I'm not really performing.
00:46:10.000 I'm not putting any effort into it for over a year.
00:46:13.000 Maybe it might have been two years. 0.99
00:46:14.000 For over a year at least, I just would go up and do the same fucking tired shit over and over again. 0.99
00:46:19.000 But that bad set made me completely refocus. 0.99
00:46:23.000 And then within a year, I did my first CD. Because I just started going crazy.
00:46:29.000 And then I would go to stand-up.
00:46:30.000 I would do it every night.
00:46:31.000 I was doing it every night.
00:46:32.000 I was doing it at the Laugh Factory and the Improv. 0.98
00:46:34.000 And I was just trying to get in as many sets as I could and write as much new shit as I could. 0.92
00:46:37.000 I just realized, like, you can't just keep doing this anymore. 0.97
00:46:40.000 At some point, that goes off.
00:46:41.000 And then you're just trying to...
00:46:42.000 I also try to work new stuff in constantly.
00:46:46.000 I'm always adding just little chunks here and there. 0.97
00:46:48.000 Not even a whole new bit, but just adding to the old shit that I have. 0.96
00:46:52.000 And they're always growing and evolving. 0.87
00:46:54.000 That's why I have a hard time putting out bits too quickly.
00:46:57.000 Like, if you do something and then, you know, you put it out, you put out like a DVD, and then the next year you want to do another one like Louis C.K.'s doing, which is...
00:47:04.000 Really super ambitious.
00:47:06.000 But in my career, the things that I've done, they've always gotten way, way, way better as I kept doing them over a long period of time and sort of completely tweaked them and got them to the place where I have just the right punchlines and the right places, the right setup, think about the right material to do before you do it.
00:47:26.000 Yeah, I got an album that I just put out and I felt exactly the same way when I locked it. 0.97
00:47:31.000 You're like, oh shit. 0.99
00:47:33.000 And a couple jokes. 1.00
00:47:35.000 I'm trying just not to do any of that stuff anymore so I won't feel bad about it.
00:47:38.000 I can just put it away.
00:47:40.000 Yeah, once I do it, I think that's how you have to do it.
00:47:44.000 Bill Burr.
00:47:45.000 Bill Burr does that.
00:47:46.000 What does he do?
00:47:47.000 Once he does it on TV or on an album, it goes bye-bye and he just starts fresh.
00:47:51.000 Well, that's the Louis C.K. way, too.
00:47:53.000 That's what Louis is doing.
00:47:54.000 And I think you have to do that.
00:47:57.000 If you really want to keep moving, there's no way.
00:47:59.000 You can just do the same thing forever.
00:48:01.000 I'll do a few bits and people call them out.
00:48:02.000 Like when I do a Q&A sometimes, especially if I've had a couple of cocktails and I'm feeling it.
00:48:08.000 But, you know, that's the hardest part about comedy is just to keep that momentum going and keep finding out new and interesting things to talk about.
00:48:16.000 Yeah.
00:48:17.000 You know?
00:48:18.000 No, it's tough to, you know, just let go of something.
00:48:22.000 It's got to be on it, man.
00:48:23.000 No, it's so hard to stay, like, grow attached to some bits, too.
00:48:27.000 Yeah.
00:48:27.000 Oh, yeah, man.
00:48:28.000 There's some bits that I fucking love. 0.99
00:48:30.000 My bit about tigers fucking, I used to love doing it. 0.98
00:48:33.000 I used to love everything about it. 0.93
00:48:35.000 It's my favorite bit of all time. 1.00
00:48:37.000 But like all of them, put those bitches aside. 1.00
00:48:43.000 We're talking about how Bill Burr just every single time he does something on TV or on an album goes gone. 0.99
00:48:52.000 Just starts fresh completely.
00:48:54.000 That's the George Carlin way.
00:48:56.000 You know, George Carlin's style of doing comedy.
00:48:59.000 Louis C.K. adopted it.
00:49:01.000 And Bill Burr's pretty much doing it too.
00:49:03.000 You know?
00:49:04.000 It's the way to do it. 1.00
00:49:05.000 Just keep pounding out shit. 0.99
00:49:07.000 Which is very hard to do when you're doing other things as well. 0.99
00:49:09.000 Yeah, that's what we were talking about earlier.
00:49:10.000 When you're doing TV shows.
00:49:11.000 You get stuck on a TV show and you're working a lot.
00:49:14.000 It's hard to sleep.
00:49:18.000 Would you recommend comedy to people?
00:49:20.000 If your child wants to be a comic, would you say, hey, I would recommend comedy?
00:49:25.000 Or would you scare people away from you?
00:49:27.000 It's hard.
00:49:27.000 My son was already asked what he wants to be when he grows up, and he looked at a group of people and said, I just want to tell jokes.
00:49:33.000 I mean, why wouldn't you recommend one of the great jobs of all time?
00:49:39.000 I mean, I get to write.
00:49:40.000 I've written for a couple other people, you know, and just...
00:49:43.000 I have a great time just, you know, doing what I'm doing.
00:49:45.000 You seem to think that you wouldn't, Brian.
00:49:47.000 Me?
00:49:48.000 Is that what you're saying?
00:49:48.000 Well, I don't know if I... Would or wouldn't, I do see just being in it how competitive it is and how it really is hard to get to a certain point of where you can survive, like higher up than the normal comics.
00:50:07.000 Like, there's so many really good comics, but they seem like they all get to a certain level, and then they kind of balance off, you know, where, yeah, they're making money and stuff, but a lot of them are still kind of struggling here and there.
00:50:18.000 But it seems like it's really hard to get to the next level where you're just like, you know.
00:50:22.000 I mean, you use the baseball analogy or any pro football or anything like that, any sporting thing.
00:50:26.000 It's like, you know, a certain amount of people get a certain distance in the, you know, there's levels of professional, and people just climb up that level of professional.
00:50:35.000 Right.
00:50:35.000 There's a lot of different things to think about, because it's not just being a comedian and being funny, it's also the marketing of yourself, which is very alien from the creative aspect of stand-up comedy, so it's real tricky.
00:50:45.000 What gets you to the next level, a lot of times, has nothing to do with your proficiency as a comedian.
00:50:50.000 You know, there's a lot of comedians that we know of that, you know, they're really good, they're really solid, but for whatever reason, they never enter into the...
00:50:56.000 Oh, you're talking about Brian Holtzman is a clear example.
00:50:59.000 The Zeitgeist never accepts them, for whatever reason.
00:51:01.000 Nothing, you know, they never figure out how to get promoted correctly.
00:51:04.000 And also, they sabotage their own career.
00:51:06.000 I mean, did you hear...
00:51:07.000 I remember, I don't even know if I have the story right, but Holtzman jumping in, and Martin Lawrence came into the audience, and Holtzman had people there to see him, and it was a big deal, and he was finally going to get a shot. 0.99
00:51:17.000 And then Martin Lawrence's bouncer came in and said something, and I guess Holtzman just looks and says, Fuck it! 0.98
00:51:25.000 And just jumps in, and I guess the bouncer just knocks him right out. 1.00
00:51:29.000 Wow.
00:51:31.000 Right in front of all these people.
00:51:32.000 Yeah, I think what it was was Martin Lawrence was heckling.
00:51:36.000 Yeah.
00:51:36.000 Wow.
00:51:37.000 Imagine that.
00:51:38.000 And Brian Holtzman was on stage, and Martin Lawrence was heckling, and Martin Lawrence went off stage and was saying, Ladies and gentlemen, this is Martin Lawrence.
00:51:44.000 Can you believe this?
00:51:44.000 I'm getting heckled by Martin Lawrence.
00:51:46.000 And the bouncer gets up and punches him. 0.99
00:51:48.000 Are you fucking serious? 0.98
00:51:49.000 So he's had chances like that. 0.99
00:51:51.000 He has stuff like that happens. 0.98
00:51:54.000 That sucks. 0.96
00:51:55.000 I wish Omletto would have taken off. 0.97
00:51:57.000 If he had been around agents and managers and stuff too, that's the other thing about the store.
00:52:00.000 No one's going there to hang out because they have to pay.
00:52:03.000 If you go to the improv, everybody gets in free.
00:52:06.000 Managers, agents, they're all hanging out there.
00:52:08.000 It used to be an issue to try to get people to come and put them on the list to come see people.
00:52:13.000 You know, it'd be hard.
00:52:14.000 People couldn't just, you know, couldn't show up, hey, I'm Mike from IBM, can we come in and see the show? 1.00
00:52:18.000 They're like, yeah, sure, 20 bucks each, bitch. 1.00
00:52:19.000 But what you're saying about the marketing thing, it's also, it's that book, that Malcolm Gladwell book, The Outliers, you ever see any of that? 0.99
00:52:26.000 No.
00:52:26.000 Where, it's very good.
00:52:29.000 about people not being able to express themselves.
00:52:33.000 There was a story of a genius.
00:52:34.000 This kid who's just, I mean, went to Iowa State, but his mom didn't turn in his paperwork. 0.99
00:52:38.000 They were just sort of dumb about speaking to people. 0.83
00:52:41.000 And this kid was there and didn't go talk to anybody. 0.99
00:52:44.000 Clearly, they wanted him at the school and were gonna keep him at the school.
00:52:48.000 But all he had to do was know to go and talk to somebody.
00:52:52.000 People are just socially unable.
00:52:55.000 So he didn't talk to anybody.
00:52:56.000 He didn't talk to anybody.
00:52:57.000 He just left school.
00:52:58.000 He's a manager somewhere.
00:53:00.000 The man has the highest IQ, almost imaginable.
00:53:05.000 Well, there was some guy that got tested for the highest IQ ever in America, and he was a bouncer.
00:53:09.000 He was a bouncer in Long Island or something like that.
00:53:12.000 And it was really weird, man, because he was really kind of full of himself a bit.
00:53:15.000 And we would talk about things.
00:53:16.000 He would talk about things really pompous. 0.98
00:53:18.000 And you're just going to go, hey, back the fuck up. 0.96
00:53:20.000 You're a bouncer, dude. 0.99
00:53:21.000 If you're so smart and fucking smug about everything, what are you out there, swimming in the human condition every day as a bouncer, getting to know the dark side of humanity? 0.99
00:53:31.000 What are you, a fucking Charles Bukowski poet-type character? 0.99
00:53:34.000 Or are you the smartest man in the world? 0.99
00:53:36.000 Because there's a disconnect there, fella. 1.00
00:53:38.000 You're living life like a dummy. 0.99
00:53:41.000 Not that bouncers are dummies. 0.97
00:53:43.000 I know a lot of guys that are bouncers, like MMA guys.
00:53:45.000 There's a lot of power in bouncers. 0.99
00:53:47.000 You get power and you don't do shit. 0.99
00:53:50.000 Yeah, but I mean, why would you do that if you're a fucking super genius and you're like 40? 0.99
00:53:54.000 It's not like he's some 20-year-old kid paying for his college education and needing some money on the weekends. 0.99
00:53:59.000 No, he's a fucking 40-year-old genius character working as a bouncer. 0.98
00:54:03.000 His services should be used elsewhere. 1.00
00:54:06.000 Totally. 0.94
00:54:06.000 Like, if he's that fucking smart, let's get him working on something. 0.94
00:54:09.000 No, you're, socially, there's the needs, social intelligence needs to be factored into the whole idea of intelligence. 0.99
00:54:15.000 You know, your IQ does not include your ability to fucking maneuver around human beings. 0.97
00:54:20.000 Yeah, that's exactly what they're talking about. 0.99
00:54:21.000 And then a similar kid with a big, you know, really wealthy upbringing that had the same IQ went, you know, that many times further.
00:54:30.000 You know, his life became this great, you know, I had a friend when I was living in New York who was a pool hustler, and he was a brilliant guy, not just socially, he had a brilliant mathematical mind as well, but he was the first guy that I'd ever met socially that would look for traits in someone, look for things that people are doing, look for ego things.
00:54:52.000 He could do impressions of people, really good impressions of them. 0.97
00:54:55.000 They wouldn't sound like the person, but it would be exactly the type of shit that that person would say. 0.74
00:55:00.000 analyzing people's personalities and looking for weaknesses you know i did not know until i met this guy that people were out there that did that that like would look for a weakness in how in your game look for weakness and how you talk look for weakness and how you behave and then they find that little spot and that's where they start picking they start picking on whatever got you to say that in the first place whatever got you to stand up for yourself whatever got you to make an excuse about something that happened you know it was kind of sick that day and Normally, that would never go down like that. 0.93
00:55:27.000 Oh, really?
00:55:28.000 Yeah, normally you're the best, right?
00:55:29.000 The best ever?
00:55:30.000 Like, he would just find the spot, find whatever it was, and just start picking.
00:55:35.000 Yeah, they're out there, man. 1.00
00:55:37.000 Fuck yeah, they're out there, man. 1.00
00:55:38.000 But that's a lot of what comedy is, too. 1.00
00:55:40.000 It's finding that little spot, seeing that little thing that other people might not have saw.
00:55:46.000 No, and then also getting that out and reflecting that in a creative way that has not really been done before, too. 0.99
00:55:53.000 You don't want to fucking go regurgitate some of the old tired shit. 0.99
00:55:57.000 I know. 0.99
00:55:57.000 So it's also like there's a couple rules in place where not only have you had that thought and found that opportunity, but now you've got to put this through this filtering process to determine whether or not it's okay to fucking make it up on stage. 0.99
00:56:09.000 Yeah.
00:56:09.000 And then there's the saying it the right way and, you know, figuring out the best economy of words.
00:56:14.000 There's like a lyrical aspect to it at that point. 1.00
00:56:17.000 So now you're fucking putting shit together. 0.99
00:56:19.000 Like, you know, I try to do that a lot in my act. 1.00
00:56:23.000 When I'm talking about, I actually tell that whole banana cry story on stage as a bit and leading into it. 0.97
00:56:32.000 By the way, I don't believe that you didn't get jerked off. 0.94
00:56:35.000 I just want you to know. 0.98
00:56:36.000 I love you, but just keep saying what you said.
00:56:39.000 You don't have to say anything.
00:56:39.000 Keep going.
00:56:40.000 Okay, go ahead.
00:56:41.000 So the banana cry lady goes, this is not the first time I found myself in an English as a second language, sexy talk situation. 1.00
00:56:49.000 And so I say shit like that. 0.99
00:56:51.000 So it just has to come out. 0.99
00:56:52.000 It can be lyrical at the same time. 0.89
00:56:55.000 You can use alliteration and fuck around with it from there.
00:56:58.000 So then you've got to put it through all these steps, and then it finally makes it out.
00:57:00.000 And that's why they're tough to give up.
00:57:02.000 Yeah, I know.
00:57:04.000 They're like your babies.
00:57:05.000 They're working hard, yeah.
00:57:06.000 They're like your babies, man. 0.99
00:57:07.000 Once you get good at them and get them all tight and you know exactly how to hit them and they have all these fucking punchlines one after the other. 0.99
00:57:13.000 Ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang. 0.98
00:57:15.000 That was the Boston style of comedy, too.
00:57:17.000 Boston, the best guys, for whatever reason, didn't really write new material.
00:57:22.000 They just had a gang of stuff that was so devastating.
00:57:27.000 There's still guys like that.
00:57:28.000 You just go out and they're just crushing.
00:57:31.000 There's guys like that.
00:57:32.000 It's harder to do now, though.
00:57:34.000 Because of the internet, it's just not the same thing.
00:57:37.000 These guys didn't have CDs out, so people couldn't go and replay their bits.
00:57:41.000 You had to go see it again.
00:57:42.000 You couldn't play it over and over again, so you know the exact timing for when the punchline comes.
00:57:47.000 It's not like that.
00:57:49.000 People are still going out, though.
00:57:50.000 Yeah.
00:57:51.000 Comedy is still the most fun thing for me to go see.
00:57:54.000 If I know that Stan Hope is going to perform, or Louis C.K. is in town, or Nick DiPaolo, or someone that I really think is really funny, I fucking have a great time. 0.94
00:58:02.000 It's still the most fun thing to see. 0.70
00:58:04.000 Who were you saying last night was at the Hollywood Improv?
00:58:07.000 Stan Hope was there, Dave Attell, Ron White, Nick Swartzen, Doug Benson.
00:58:13.000 How great is that?
00:58:14.000 It was just like a never-ending line-up.
00:58:16.000 And it's also just a fun hang, too.
00:58:18.000 That place is great, man.
00:58:19.000 That's the difference between that place and the store.
00:58:21.000 I never realized that there's managers that were actually happy to see you there and thankful.
00:58:27.000 Can we get you a water?
00:58:28.000 Do you want a drink?
00:58:28.000 Do you like something?
00:58:29.000 Are you hungry?
00:58:30.000 Do you want to eat?
00:58:30.000 They've got a menu in their hand.
00:58:32.000 They have good food there, great burgers and shit. 0.97
00:58:34.000 Everyone's friendly. 0.90
00:58:35.000 The waitstaff's friendly.
00:58:36.000 The bartender's friendly.
00:58:37.000 There's a bar where everybody sits down and has a good time at the bar.
00:58:40.000 And then there's a back showroom.
00:58:41.000 Eddie, the bartenders are also.
00:58:43.000 Eddie? 0.99
00:58:44.000 Eddie's a fucking gem. 1.00
00:58:45.000 Deva? 1.00
00:58:46.000 Yeah, they're great.
00:58:47.000 They're not professionals.
00:58:47.000 Have you been to Sal's yet?
00:58:49.000 Down the street?
00:58:50.000 Sal's Comic Home?
00:58:51.000 No, I want to go there. 1.00
00:58:52.000 Oh, it's the shit, dude. 1.00
00:58:52.000 Yeah, it's cool. 1.00
00:58:53.000 We've got to stop by sometime.
00:58:54.000 Is Sal a listener?
00:58:54.000 Do you know if we're in contact with Sal?
00:58:56.000 I don't know.
00:58:56.000 We'll get you in there.
00:58:57.000 Don't worry.
00:58:57.000 We'll get you in there.
00:58:58.000 We did it Sunday night. 0.98
00:58:59.000 It was fucking awesome, man. 0.97
00:59:00.000 Just talked about it on Twitter Sunday. 0.98
00:59:02.000 It's a real small place.
00:59:05.000 The only seats like 70 at the most.
00:59:06.000 Right now, but they're opening up two more showrooms.
00:59:08.000 They've got a whole back area that's gigantic.
00:59:11.000 They're going to blow out and build this huge 300-seat room back there. 0.85
00:59:14.000 It's like 300 seats, right?
00:59:15.000 Well, there's two rooms.
00:59:16.000 I think they're going to split it.
00:59:17.000 I think he should just build one huge room.
00:59:19.000 Yeah, I think so, too.
00:59:20.000 Why not?
00:59:21.000 Keep the small room in the front and then make a big one.
00:59:23.000 But I guess he's doing an improv room of 80 and then a bigger room of 150 or something like that. 1.00
00:59:29.000 Improv, like that shit, like give me a topic, that kind of shit. 0.99
00:59:34.000 Well, kind of like the side room at the improv where Ari does his show. 1.00
00:59:38.000 You know what I mean?
00:59:38.000 Like a workout improv.
00:59:40.000 I don't know.
00:59:41.000 Well, hey, maybe not.
00:59:43.000 Maybe he could do it.
00:59:43.000 Look, the comedy store was three rooms.
00:59:45.000 Forever.
00:59:46.000 This guy can actually pull off three rooms in that spot.
00:59:48.000 He's got the perfect attitude.
00:59:50.000 He's like...
00:59:50.000 You know, Sal is like one of those guys that you hope would come along and open up a comedy club.
00:59:56.000 A guy who really loves comedy, he's a really fun guy, and he's willing to take some chances.
01:00:00.000 And he has business sense as well, right?
01:00:02.000 Exactly.
01:00:02.000 He knows what he's doing.
01:00:03.000 Yeah, and he bought this place.
01:00:04.000 And right now, it's got a front area where there's a bar and a bunch of seats, and that's where we perform Sunday.
01:00:09.000 But there's a back area, there's this like old school bakery, and it's been a bakery like forever.
01:00:15.000 Apparently, he's going to take over that.
01:00:18.000 What was it before?
01:00:20.000 Vienna Cafe.
01:00:21.000 It's a cafe with a big yellow awning.
01:00:24.000 It's on Melrose.
01:00:25.000 It still says Vienna Cafe.
01:00:26.000 It doesn't say Sal's Comedy Hole.
01:00:28.000 He's trying to...
01:00:29.000 Vienna Cafe...
01:00:31.000 Oh, it doesn't exist anymore, but come on, we got a show here!
01:00:34.000 Yeah, they're trying to phase it in slowly.
01:00:35.000 He was telling me a funny Stanhope story last night when he had a club in New York.
01:00:43.000 Everyone was trying to get into his club, like all these really good comics, and he wanted Stanhope.
01:00:48.000 So he called Doug up or something like that and was like, hey, I'd really like you to come to my club.
01:00:52.000 And Doug's like, I don't do clubs, sorry.
01:00:53.000 And then Sal's like, well, just ask around first before you say no, because I think you would like my place.
01:00:59.000 So Doug calls back and goes, everyone's saying great things.
01:01:01.000 I'll go there.
01:01:01.000 And so he kind of became friends with Stanhope.
01:01:05.000 And then he had like a party to watch like a boxing match at his house, like his apartment.
01:01:09.000 And he's like, Doug, you know, if you want to come over and watch the boxing game, come over.
01:01:13.000 So Doug invited the whole entire club to come to Sal's house. 0.76
01:01:16.000 And he just said there like 40 people were climbing up over his fence and just fucking drinking all his beers and everything. 0.89
01:01:23.000 Can you imagine inviting a whole club to somebody's house? 0.98
01:01:25.000 Well, that's kind of douchey.
01:01:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:01:27.000 Was Stan Hope drunk?
01:01:28.000 Yes.
01:01:29.000 Of course.
01:01:29.000 Is that a real question?
01:01:30.000 That isn't a real question.
01:01:31.000 That isn't.
01:01:32.000 That's funny.
01:01:33.000 Yeah.
01:01:34.000 And after that, he's still into comedy?
01:01:36.000 Right.
01:01:36.000 Dude's a glutton for punishment.
01:01:38.000 I know.
01:01:38.000 This, I'm sorry, but Price Pull-up, the Ted Williams, the Golden Voice, a homeless man.
01:01:44.000 Right.
01:01:44.000 And this guy is like, was a junkie.
01:01:48.000 Yeah.
01:01:48.000 And now they're giving him all this money?
01:01:49.000 Yeah.
01:01:50.000 Yeah. 0.54
01:01:50.000 Crazy. 0.54
01:01:51.000 Guess who's gonna fucking get some money? 0.99
01:01:52.000 He was on Dr. Phil, and I guess he's about to check himself into rehab, or he did check himself into rehab because of the Dr. Phil show. 0.98
01:01:59.000 Why?
01:01:59.000 But Dr. Phil brought up the whole point of where, like, that he used to steal cars.
01:02:05.000 He's a horrible dude.
01:02:06.000 He's a great boy. 0.99
01:02:07.000 It's not like the innocent crybaby guy that you first...
01:02:10.000 Oh, I'm more homeless, man. 1.00
01:02:11.000 Fucking no, this guy's a criminal. 1.00
01:02:13.000 Wow. 1.00
01:02:14.000 And now he's gonna become famous. 1.00
01:02:17.000 Do you think he's getting pussy yet? 1.00
01:02:18.000 Internet pussy? 1.00
01:02:19.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:02:19.000 Um, I hope not. 1.00
01:02:21.000 He sort of looks like Matt.
01:02:23.000 You remember when McDonald's had that Moon Man commercial where it was like a moon face?
01:02:28.000 Jack the Night.
01:02:29.000 What was that?
01:02:30.000 I remember that.
01:02:31.000 It was, um...
01:02:32.000 Mack Tonight.
01:02:33.000 Mack Tonight.
01:02:34.000 Wow, Mack Tonight.
01:02:36.000 Pull that up.
01:02:36.000 I gotta look at that now.
01:02:38.000 Mac Tonight was when McDonald's had some moon-headed man wearing a suit.
01:02:43.000 Well, I don't remember that at all.
01:02:44.000 He looks exactly like that.
01:02:46.000 And the homeless guy Ted Williams looked like that. 0.92
01:02:48.000 So he goes on Dr. Phil and he tells them that he stole cars and all kinds of other shit while he's doing drugs. 0.53
01:02:53.000 Is that what he said? 0.96
01:02:55.000 Yeah.
01:02:55.000 He first said that he...
01:02:58.000 Dr. Phil brought up the fact that he...
01:03:00.000 Hold on, I'll tell you exactly what it was.
01:03:03.000 Where is it?
01:03:06.000 He...
01:03:06.000 For people who don't know, there's a guy, and if you haven't heard this story, there was a guy that was standing on the side of a road and he had a sign that said, you know, we'll use my golden voice for, you know, God gave me a voice and give me a dollar.
01:03:19.000 You know, whatever the fuck it is. 0.99
01:03:20.000 So this guy... 0.99
01:03:22.000 Does this impression of a morning DJ on a television show or on a radio show, and it's amazing.
01:03:27.000 It's like a really good radio voice, like that perfect fake radio voice.
01:03:31.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:03:32.000 And it seems weird coming out of a homeless guy, and he's got a bunch of shit planned that he can say like that. 0.95
01:03:38.000 And so this became an internet thing. 0.98
01:03:41.000 It got huge.
01:03:42.000 And then from it, this guy gets a bunch of different job offers.
01:03:45.000 So now he's on Dr. Phil.
01:03:46.000 And so what happened?
01:03:47.000 Well, Dr. Phil sits down with him and discusses all the challenges he had in his life.
01:03:51.000 And he first denied the incident in which Dr. Phil was accused of violent behavior, public urination, stealing customers' cars at a tire store in Ohio, and all this other crap.
01:04:03.000 In the interview, the guy finally admits that he did all those things.
01:04:08.000 And then the next...
01:04:10.000 So first he lied.
01:04:10.000 First he lied.
01:04:11.000 So he's still lying.
01:04:12.000 He's still doing the lying thing.
01:04:14.000 And then he admitted it later after Dr. Phil probably owned him or something.
01:04:17.000 Wow.
01:04:18.000 And then supposedly he will appear again on Dr. Phil accompanied by his ex-wife.
01:04:23.000 He has five kids.
01:04:26.000 Wow.
01:04:27.000 I'm happy the kids got money, but this kid is not a good dude.
01:04:30.000 Well, you hope the kids got money.
01:04:31.000 Yeah.
01:04:32.000 And I guess supposedly that the wife and kids are worried that he's going to relapse.
01:04:37.000 And then later in the interview or whatever, they say that he's going to go into rehab on Thursday.
01:04:43.000 So he already relapsed.
01:04:45.000 Yeah, well, he probably got some cash and, you know.
01:04:48.000 Went straight to the bar, why not?
01:04:49.000 Yeah.
01:04:50.000 Whew.
01:04:51.000 Homeless guy. 0.90
01:04:52.000 He's going to shower and straight to the bar.
01:04:54.000 Joe, do you remember this commercial?
01:04:56.000 You probably don't remember this commercial, but this is who Al says that he looks like this old age.
01:05:00.000 It's just a chin on this homeless guy.
01:05:02.000 Yeah, I see it, but I don't remember it at all.
01:05:04.000 That was a big campaign.
01:05:07.000 When was this?
01:05:13.000 2007?
01:05:14.000 That can't be 2007. There's no way.
01:05:17.000 That was four years ago, bitches. 1.00
01:05:19.000 Oh wait, here's a 1989 one. 0.99
01:05:21.000 That's the one I'm talking about.
01:05:22.000 Yeah, that's a freaky one.
01:05:24.000 That was a new revamped version. 0.99
01:05:26.000 I don't see what the fuck you guys are talking about. 0.99
01:05:28.000 That's a guy with a moon head. 1.00
01:05:31.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00
01:05:32.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00
01:05:33.000 That is the funniest shit out. 0.99
01:05:36.000 Okay. 1.00
01:05:37.000 Moonface.
01:05:38.000 Moonface.
01:05:38.000 Even more than a Jay Leno.
01:05:40.000 He has a freaking moonface. 0.97
01:05:41.000 I met that Antoine Dodson dude. 0.99
01:05:43.000 He's the dude who his house got broken into.
01:05:45.000 Yeah.
01:05:46.000 So, what?
01:05:47.000 Hide your kids.
01:05:48.000 Hide your wife. 0.97
01:05:49.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:05:49.000 That guy is like doing all kinds of shit now. 1.00
01:05:51.000 Dude, that song is good. 1.00
01:05:53.000 Yeah, that's good.
01:05:53.000 That song is legitimately good.
01:05:55.000 The Antoine...
01:05:56.000 Antoine Dodson's song is legitimately good.
01:06:03.000 Yeah.
01:06:04.000 It really is.
01:06:04.000 Yeah, it's...
01:06:06.000 I mean, it's amazing though how these things can become viral like this.
01:06:11.000 He bought his mom a house from the proceeds.
01:06:14.000 I guess they split the money 50-50 and Antoine got a lot of money and bought his mom a house.
01:06:18.000 That's incredible.
01:06:19.000 From a viral video done from the local news. 1.00
01:06:22.000 And he's doing a bunch of other shit. 1.00
01:06:23.000 He did some shit for the UFC. He was on George Lopez. 1.00
01:06:25.000 I saw that.
01:06:26.000 Yeah. 0.98
01:06:26.000 He's doing like ads and shit now. 0.98
01:06:29.000 It's crazy, man. 0.99
01:06:31.000 Internet celebrity is like a real thing.
01:06:33.000 He's made a couple of comics.
01:06:35.000 I mean, he really has.
01:06:36.000 I met Bo Burnham the other night, that kid.
01:06:39.000 Did you see this, Joe?
01:06:40.000 The hide your kids, hide your wife dog. 1.00
01:06:46.000 What is that on Twitter?
01:06:47.000 Is that what it is?
01:06:48.000 Yeah.
01:06:50.000 Anyway, I met that Bo Burnham kid.
01:06:52.000 I just saw him on Paul Provenza's show, The Green Room.
01:06:55.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:06:56.000 I was on that.
01:06:57.000 I was on the one after it.
01:06:58.000 And I was there, and we were talking, and me and Eddie Ift were talking, and one of the things that this kid was saying was that he never had to struggle. 0.53
01:07:08.000 He never went out and did the shitty one-nighters.
01:07:10.000 No, he's famous on YouTube, by the way. 0.97
01:07:11.000 He's like, bam, right away, famous, doing big shows.
01:07:14.000 Yep.
01:07:15.000 That's pretty crazy, man.
01:07:16.000 Yep.
01:07:17.000 That's a new thing, man.
01:07:19.000 Who was the first internet celebrity, like, going back?
01:07:22.000 Justin Bieber's, like, the big one, right?
01:07:23.000 Well, no, no, I mean first, like, 10 years ago, 15 years ago.
01:07:26.000 Like, was there an AOL celebrity back in the day?
01:07:29.000 Well, when YouTube first started, it was the History of the Dance guy became one of the ones that was the first YouTube sensation, really, to start commanding high dollar.
01:07:38.000 Right.
01:07:38.000 The Goatsy guy was the most famous guy on the internet.
01:07:41.000 The go-to guy?
01:07:42.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:07:43.000 His butthole. 1.00
01:07:44.000 I wonder who that guy is. 1.00
01:07:45.000 Did you ever see his face? 1.00
01:07:46.000 It's a guy who's got his butthole face in the camera, and he's wearing a wedding ring, and he's stretching his asshole out, like pulling it like it's rubber. 1.00
01:07:55.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:07:56.000 Peering into the darkness, into the event horizon of his butthole. 0.99
01:08:00.000 And it's, you know, an internet meme. 0.99
01:08:02.000 It's been on a million different things.
01:08:03.000 It's all over the place.
01:08:04.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:08:05.000 People make photoshops of it in cloud patterns and shit. 0.99
01:08:09.000 It'll make your banana cry. 0.99
01:08:13.000 But no, seriously, if you think of like the first real legit celebrity that was made off of the internet, it's recent.
01:08:18.000 Tila Tequila? 0.51
01:08:18.000 Yeah, Tila Tequila is a perfect one. 0.51
01:08:20.000 She's straight, you know, just right from the internet.
01:08:23.000 Nothing but, right?
01:08:24.000 You've got mail.
01:08:25.000 She actually might have been the first.
01:08:26.000 No, no.
01:08:27.000 I mean, you're talking about like seven years ago.
01:08:30.000 I'm talking about like the internet came out a long ass time.
01:08:32.000 Right, but there was no one like Tila Tequila that made their way into the public and became on television shows.
01:08:37.000 Well, we never had video like that before.
01:08:38.000 I mean, video and then social networks.
01:08:40.000 Yeah.
01:08:41.000 I'm just talking about the internet had, It was always a spot for celebrity to go.
01:08:48.000 Like, I used to look up... 0.97
01:08:49.000 I think some of the celebrities have brothers and shit like that. 0.95
01:08:52.000 And there's, like, Ricky Leach, Rivolta, John Travolta's brother. 0.98
01:08:56.000 And so he has a website. 0.96
01:08:57.000 And I was like, there was a lot of funny shit on it back then, but... 0.95
01:09:01.000 Nothing like there is now. 0.71
01:09:02.000 The content and the audio, there's a sound.
01:09:04.000 You can go to SoundCloud and YouTube.
01:09:07.000 I mean, when people were putting out, nobody had the devices either.
01:09:10.000 Nobody had flip video cameras.
01:09:11.000 And so, it was a whole new age of when you introduced a small camera.
01:09:16.000 That's when, and easy to upload with a USB connector.
01:09:20.000 It's just right in, immediately.
01:09:22.000 HD. Phones.
01:09:24.000 And so, you didn't have to have that technology available to just a regular guy.
01:09:28.000 So now that they, I mean, It's easier to launch a video. 0.83
01:09:32.000 And look how, when shit goes viral, I mean, a lot of people are talking about the voice guy. 0.99
01:09:39.000 And Antoine Dodson, that's a lot of fucking money to buy your mom a house. 0.99
01:09:42.000 I don't care if it's in Alabama. 0.99
01:09:44.000 Well, yeah, it was really because of that song.
01:09:46.000 Those guys who created that auto-tune song.
01:09:49.000 The guys are very talented musicians.
01:09:51.000 Sure, and then just auto-tune. 0.90
01:09:52.000 I mean, auto-tune's fucking hilarious.
01:09:56.000 Yeah, you heard Carl Sagan's auto-tune? 0.94
01:09:58.000 No, but have you heard that, I think it's the Woo Woo song.
01:10:04.000 It's a local news in San Francisco.
01:10:07.000 And I guess people are putting these mufflers on.
01:10:12.000 Oh, yeah.
01:10:13.000 That go, Woo Woo! 1.00
01:10:16.000 And it's local news autotune for that.
01:10:18.000 It's hilarious.
01:10:20.000 Autotuning the news is funny.
01:10:23.000 I think GarageBand is pretty amazing too.
01:10:26.000 The program where you can pretty much make your own song pretty easily.
01:10:30.000 Don't they have programs like that for your phone now?
01:10:32.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:10:33.000 Absolutely.
01:10:34.000 Absolutely.
01:10:35.000 Like, there was...
01:10:36.000 I don't know if we ever talked about...
01:10:37.000 There was this...
01:10:37.000 Back in the day in MySpace, somebody linked one of my songs on their MySpace page and, like, stole it from my web host.
01:10:45.000 And so, like, when you went to their MySpace page, it automatically played a song...
01:10:49.000 Oh, right.
01:10:49.000 From your show.
01:10:50.000 From my show.
01:10:50.000 So, what I did is I took...
01:10:52.000 That file, took it down, and then made up a quick song in GarageBand about like, oh, Stacey from, you know, Hollywood, California. 1.00
01:11:00.000 I want you to suck my dick. 1.00
01:11:01.000 And made a whole song just about how I wanted to fuck this girl and stuff like that. 1.00
01:11:05.000 And I replaced that song, that file, with the original file so that when people went to her MySpace page, it just started playing that song. 0.95
01:11:12.000 That's great.
01:11:13.000 Yeah, and I just love it.
01:11:15.000 I don't know why I even thought about that, but it's a pretty funny video.
01:11:18.000 That's funny when you can do that with hot linking.
01:11:20.000 Yeah.
01:11:20.000 And speaking of MySpace, I think yesterday went officially really just downsized.
01:11:25.000 Yeah, they shut off Germany.
01:11:27.000 MySpace Germany is dead.
01:11:28.000 Somebody tweeted me.
01:11:29.000 MySpace cut all their employees like three months ago.
01:11:33.000 Like half of their employees, they cut.
01:11:34.000 And then they just did it again.
01:11:36.000 Jordy, yeah.
01:11:37.000 Yeah, Jordy was with, and now he's lucky that he's with Comedy Central.
01:11:40.000 Right.
01:11:42.000 Yeah, he was working.
01:11:44.000 MySpace Comedy was thriving.
01:11:45.000 I'm sure you did one of those secret shows, didn't you?
01:11:47.000 Yeah, I did one of those secret shows.
01:11:48.000 I'm thinking about deleting my MySpace live on the air.
01:11:51.000 What do you think?
01:11:52.000 Do it. 0.99
01:11:53.000 If they're going to cut, shut up and ruin... 0.98
01:11:55.000 It's funny how we did it with, I think, I forget who we did it with, like Jason Tebow or something like that. 0.95
01:12:01.000 Somebody deleted their MySpace the other day live on podcast.
01:12:05.000 Jesus Christ, I can't even come up with one original idea.
01:12:08.000 But watch how many steps it is.
01:12:09.000 It's pretty hilarious.
01:12:10.000 It was Ari.
01:12:11.000 Ari did it. 0.99
01:12:12.000 It's a lot of steps.
01:12:13.000 It was like three steps.
01:12:14.000 Like, they make it really hard.
01:12:15.000 Like, are you sure?
01:12:16.000 Are you still people on it trying to talk to you?
01:12:20.000 Very, very, very, very few.
01:12:23.000 Almost all of it is just...
01:12:24.000 Mine's completely dead as well.
01:12:26.000 You want to go into mine?
01:12:27.000 We can shut mine down also with a duel.
01:12:29.000 Yeah, a dual one.
01:12:30.000 I paid some money to have mine tricked out, too, at one point. 0.96
01:12:33.000 Sex. 0.93
01:12:34.000 Yeah.
01:12:35.000 Did you have glitter tags?
01:12:36.000 I don't know what he did.
01:12:37.000 It seems like you would.
01:12:39.000 Probably.
01:12:40.000 I can even say it.
01:12:42.000 Yeah, so if you want to delete your MySpace now, too, we could have a double MySpace, and I'm going to keep mine now. 1.00
01:12:49.000 They hide this motherfucker. 0.99
01:12:50.000 It's not easy. 1.00
01:12:51.000 I don't even know where to go.
01:12:53.000 Um...
01:12:54.000 Here, I'll tell you guys where to go.
01:12:55.000 Hold on.
01:12:57.000 More.
01:12:58.000 Delete MySpace.
01:13:00.000 I can't even tell you.
01:13:01.000 I don't even know if I know my password.
01:13:02.000 Yeah, it's time to let it go.
01:13:03.000 You know what I mean?
01:13:04.000 It's like that girl that you dated 10 years ago and her phone over is still in your book. 1.00
01:13:09.000 Throw that shit out, son. 1.00
01:13:11.000 Move on. 1.00
01:13:13.000 It's in your book.
01:13:14.000 Listen to me.
01:13:14.000 Your book.
01:13:15.000 Who has a phone book anymore?
01:13:16.000 Phone books are worth nothing. 1.00
01:13:18.000 Fuck you and your phone book. 1.00
01:13:19.000 I want to write it on paper like some caveman. 1.00
01:13:23.000 They're good for standing on. 0.99
01:13:24.000 Why don't you just give me some burnt sticks and I'll use it to carve the fucking numbers on a rock. 0.99
01:13:30.000 How to delete... 0.99
01:13:31.000 Did you do it?
01:13:32.000 No, I can't even...
01:13:33.000 You can't even figure it out?
01:13:34.000 There you go.
01:13:34.000 There you go.
01:13:35.000 Is that me?
01:13:35.000 Alright, if you decide to delete MySpace, what you do is...
01:13:40.000 More?
01:13:40.000 You go to my account, and then...
01:13:43.000 Where's my account?
01:13:45.000 It's under more.
01:13:46.000 My stuff?
01:13:47.000 My stuff...
01:13:49.000 Account settings right here.
01:13:50.000 Account settings.
01:13:52.000 It looks different.
01:13:53.000 I have to give him that.
01:13:54.000 It looks different, but it doesn't look better.
01:13:56.000 That logo is a space.
01:13:58.000 Should we give him a chance now that they redesigned everything?
01:14:02.000 No. 0.99
01:14:02.000 Damn, Al. 0.99
01:14:04.000 We committed to this, bro. 1.00
01:14:05.000 Are you sure?
01:14:06.000 We've committed to this, man.
01:14:07.000 They changed everything in here!
01:14:09.000 It's all white!
01:14:10.000 Basic details, account settings. 0.99
01:14:13.000 Remember the constantly had those horrible fucking ads? 0.99
01:14:17.000 Cancel account. 1.00
01:14:18.000 Here we go.
01:14:18.000 You know, trying to shoot a smiley face or something.
01:14:22.000 Brian, it's not just cancel account, right?
01:14:23.000 It's deleted.
01:14:24.000 I want to delete mine.
01:14:25.000 No, you want to cancel account.
01:14:26.000 That's it?
01:14:28.000 We're sorry you want to leave.
01:14:30.000 Please let us know why.
01:14:32.000 You can really help us improve MySpace.
01:14:35.000 There's not an it's over bitch option. 1.00
01:14:37.000 There's board, spam, privacy, and email. 0.96
01:14:41.000 I'm going to go with spam because that's the one thing that annoyed me.
01:14:43.000 Where is it, Joe?
01:14:44.000 Where's the cancel account?
01:14:44.000 Cancel account.
01:14:46.000 Under settings.
01:14:47.000 Under settings.
01:14:47.000 You go under account settings and privacy.
01:14:49.000 Account settings and privacy.
01:14:52.000 Cancellation comments. 0.98
01:14:53.000 Thanks for the love and the laughs, but it's over bitches. 1.00
01:14:56.000 It's not down there. 0.99
01:14:58.000 Yeah.
01:14:59.000 Oh, there we go.
01:15:00.000 Privacy.
01:15:01.000 But they do hide it.
01:15:02.000 They hide it below the fold.
01:15:04.000 Yeah.
01:15:05.000 And you just gotta keep on scrolling down.
01:15:06.000 Over. 0.98
01:15:07.000 Bitches. 1.00
01:15:09.000 You know what even pisses me off? 1.00
01:15:11.000 Cancel account, hoes. 1.00
01:15:12.000 It's over.
01:15:13.000 My request has been sent.
01:15:14.000 You will receive an email shortly with instructions for confirming that you managed to cancel.
01:15:21.000 Why won't you just let me walk away?
01:15:24.000 See, that's what they're doing.
01:15:25.000 This is like a divorce.
01:15:25.000 Now you have to go to your email and click on a link.
01:15:28.000 It's like a divorce.
01:15:29.000 So do it now.
01:15:30.000 Because they want to pretend they have more people on MySpace than they do.
01:15:33.000 Do it, Joe.
01:15:33.000 Continue it.
01:15:35.000 Finish him. 0.96
01:15:36.000 You know what sucks is that Facebook just today has forced their new profile on all the Facebook accounts.
01:15:43.000 What is their new profile? 1.00
01:15:43.000 Which sucks ass. 1.00
01:15:45.000 Really? 1.00
01:15:45.000 How come? 1.00
01:15:46.000 Because when you go to Facebook, at least how do I do it, the first thing I like to do is like, hmm, is this person single?
01:15:51.000 Is this, you know, look at their photos.
01:15:52.000 Now they've hidden like the single part and it's just like this really shitty...
01:15:57.000 It reminds me of a MySpace.
01:15:59.000 They've moved it all around and now it's just...
01:16:02.000 Oh, you can change everything.
01:16:03.000 There's actually companies that do that.
01:16:05.000 Somebody just hit me up from a company to customize my Facebook page and make it look all tricked out.
01:16:12.000 Yeah.
01:16:12.000 Well, now they used to let you go back.
01:16:16.000 We talked about having to have a marketing degree to be a good stand-up comic.
01:16:19.000 Right.
01:16:20.000 I try.
01:16:20.000 I got two kids.
01:16:21.000 I work on them.
01:16:23.000 I told you about my situation.
01:16:25.000 Do you have a website, though?
01:16:26.000 I have a website.
01:16:27.000 All you need to do is keep doing what you're doing.
01:16:29.000 I'm in touch.
01:16:30.000 If somebody emails me, I'll definitely get back to it.
01:16:32.000 Twitter, by the way, is Al Madrigal.
01:16:34.000 A-L-M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. Exciting stuff happening.
01:16:41.000 But you should say it.
01:16:43.000 Madrigal!
01:16:44.000 Especially if you go on before Willie Barsena.
01:16:46.000 You don't even say your real name, right, bro?
01:16:48.000 How many followers do you have?
01:16:50.000 Closing on 3,000.
01:16:51.000 Not too many.
01:16:52.000 We're going to blow that out of the water today, Al. 1.00
01:16:55.000 We're going to jump you up to 5,000, you fucker. 1.00
01:16:59.000 Really? 1.00
01:16:59.000 You got that kind of reach that I could just jump? 1.00
01:17:01.000 2,835.
01:17:03.000 You know what?
01:17:04.000 If I get people to sign on, I'm a funny guy. 0.98
01:17:08.000 I'll start putting funny shit out there. 0.98
01:17:09.000 I'm at war with my neighbors right now. 0.99
01:17:11.000 Are you really?
01:17:11.000 What's going on?
01:17:12.000 Well, I'm surrounded by old people and I'm surrounded by these three guys. 0.98
01:17:15.000 This is a bit.
01:17:16.000 This is real.
01:17:17.000 Three guys named Phil.
01:17:19.000 I go old Phil, really old Phil, and then Filipino Phil. 0.71
01:17:23.000 That's how I like...
01:17:24.000 Filipino Phil is my ally.
01:17:26.000 Which one makes your banana cry?
01:17:27.000 The Filipino one? 0.98
01:17:28.000 But the other guys are constantly complaining.
01:17:31.000 That's the new thing now.
01:17:31.000 Banana cry.
01:17:32.000 Yeah, it's going to be the new thing.
01:17:33.000 Do you want me to make your banana cry?
01:17:36.000 See, you talk about this on stage?
01:17:38.000 Yeah.
01:17:39.000 I gotta see the bit.
01:17:40.000 So anyway, I'm sorry.
01:17:41.000 So I'm surrounded by old people, and it's Eagle Rock. 1.00
01:17:45.000 It's an up-and-coming neighborhood still, and there's a lot of cool people that live near me, but at the same time, I was just surrounded by old people that are in my business.
01:17:53.000 I went on my roof to clean up my gutters, and it's like they all assembled below me while I was conducting some AARP meeting, and they're all in my business.
01:18:03.000 At one point...
01:18:05.000 I had three cars.
01:18:07.000 I still have three cars right now.
01:18:09.000 GM was nice enough to get me a Buick Enclave for the holiday, and let me use that as just perk through the PR department.
01:18:19.000 And this thing is awesome. 0.93
01:18:21.000 It really is fucking an incredible vehicle. 0.93
01:18:24.000 Anyway, so that shows up. 0.78
01:18:25.000 So I have four cars, and the old people are stopping by constantly and go, do you feel it's economical to have three vehicles? 1.00
01:18:32.000 And I can't help but just fuck with them and hate them. 1.00
01:18:35.000 Wait a minute, they ask you? 1.00
01:18:36.000 Oh, I have people in my shit constantly about my hedges, my... 0.99
01:18:40.000 I mean, and there's a guy, old guy who walks his dog by my house every fucking day and is so in my business. 1.00
01:18:46.000 Like, stop. 0.99
01:18:47.000 If I even show my head, he'll stop and start asking a million fucking questions. 0.99
01:18:52.000 And so you live up here in this community where it's nice and there's not... 0.98
01:18:56.000 I mean, your neighbors aren't on you. 1.00
01:18:58.000 I have neighbors just on my ass. 1.00
01:19:00.000 That sucks. 1.00
01:19:01.000 Dude, I'm so not into that. 0.99
01:19:02.000 Yeah, no, it sucks. 0.80
01:19:03.000 I don't even like this. 0.66
01:19:04.000 I lived in the woods for three months.
01:19:06.000 When I lived in Colorado, it was the perfect place for me.
01:19:10.000 Oh, when I was driving up, I was like, this is how you do it. 1.00
01:19:13.000 I have old people on my shit. 1.00
01:19:15.000 And then also, you know, it's sort of a little gang-y-ish sometimes. 1.00
01:19:19.000 Really?
01:19:19.000 Like somebody will ride a mini truck, we'll go...
01:19:22.000 You know, down the street, and you have that guy, like, driving by really fast, for no reason.
01:19:27.000 You worry about that with your kids, the gang-y part?
01:19:31.000 Well, it's not.
01:19:32.000 How old are your kids?
01:19:32.000 Gang-adjacent.
01:19:33.000 It's not really...
01:19:34.000 Gang-adjacent? 0.99
01:19:35.000 It's not right in the shit. 1.00
01:19:37.000 But it's close enough where it's going to become an issue in their life if they're walking around their neighborhood. 0.99
01:19:40.000 Well, yeah, you can definitely stumble down to the wrong area and just get...
01:19:44.000 Well, anywhere you can get caught at the wrong time, but here it's highly unlikely.
01:19:48.000 You know, I mean, I have a more realistic chance of running into some bad people in my neighborhood.
01:19:55.000 Yeah. 0.96
01:19:56.000 And yeah, I worry about my wife being alone when I go do stand-up and shit like that all the time. 0.94
01:20:00.000 Yeah, yeah, I know that feeling. 0.94
01:20:01.000 And even with household shit, if anything breaks, you know, we've had stuff where I've been on the road doing stand-up, I travel all over, just like, not as much, but I, you know, I go out a fair amount. 0.94
01:20:11.000 Yeah, my wife's home with two kids. 0.98
01:20:13.000 And luckily, you know, we got Filipino Frank there. 1.00
01:20:16.000 So tell me, what's your issues with your war? 1.00
01:20:19.000 Oh, let's try to come and trim my shit. 0.99
01:20:20.000 Like, you know how you have... 0.99
01:20:22.000 Hedges?
01:20:23.000 Yeah, my dog was running out and barking the other day. 1.00
01:20:25.000 And my neighbor was secretly trying to trim my fucking hedge. 1.00
01:20:28.000 Wow. 1.00
01:20:28.000 Why was he trimming your hedge? 1.00
01:20:30.000 Just old and drunk and crazy. 0.99
01:20:31.000 Like, just wasted. 0.96
01:20:32.000 So did you talk to him?
01:20:35.000 No, they brought over a letter.
01:20:37.000 See, that's what I'm talking about.
01:20:38.000 I feel crazy about this.
01:20:39.000 I'm like, you want a war?
01:20:40.000 I'll bring you war! 0.99
01:20:42.000 God, I didn't say that, but that's how I feel.
01:20:46.000 They all get all pissed and bent out of shape if I... I'm not talking to a neighbor for two years because of our parking.
01:20:52.000 We had construction people over our house and the Latino guys parked there and he came running back, the old guy, and fucking started yelling at the Latino guys to move their car. 0.97
01:21:01.000 It's a public street. 0.99
01:21:02.000 Anybody can fucking park there. 0.99
01:21:04.000 I'm at war. 1.00
01:21:04.000 Yeah, I won't even talk to the fucking guys. 1.00
01:21:08.000 Suburban war. 1.00
01:21:08.000 It really is ridiculous shit. 1.00
01:21:10.000 People claim their turf, and the real issue is people are not supposed to be on top of each other like this. 1.00
01:21:14.000 No, they really not.
01:21:14.000 This is nothing compared to apartments, man.
01:21:17.000 Apartments are where it's really brutal.
01:21:18.000 Right on top of each other.
01:21:19.000 Dude, I had an apartment in North Hollywood where I had a pool table, okay? 0.85
01:21:22.000 And I lived on the second floor, and there was this crazy gay couple that lived on the first floor, and he was like the landlord, too. 0.99
01:21:28.000 What is it called? 0.81
01:21:29.000 The...
01:21:31.000 Superintendent.
01:21:32.000 He was always controlling things.
01:21:35.000 He didn't own the building, but he ran it.
01:21:36.000 So I had a pool table installed in my living room.
01:21:39.000 I had a big living room.
01:21:40.000 And the reason why I got this big living room was because I could get a pool table.
01:21:43.000 I wanted a pool table in my living room.
01:21:45.000 So I had it installed.
01:21:46.000 Then he comes knocking on the door.
01:21:47.000 What's going on in there?
01:21:48.000 There's a lot of movement.
01:21:49.000 There's a lot of movement up here.
01:21:51.000 And I go, oh, I've got a pool table.
01:21:54.000 He goes, are you jumping around?
01:21:55.000 Are you working out or something?
01:21:57.000 I go, no, no, no.
01:21:58.000 I'm just walking around the pool table.
01:21:59.000 Trying to look in as he's talking to you.
01:22:01.000 Making shots.
01:22:02.000 And he goes, okay, I'm going to have to ask you to not do that when I'm home because it's just like I'm in the living room and all I hear is creak, creak, creak, creak, creak, creak. 0.98
01:22:12.000 And I'm like, so you're saying that because of the structural instability of this shithead fucking apartment building, you don't want me walking in my living room because it's annoying? 0.97
01:22:21.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:22:21.000 I started changing my wireless password because they're right on top of you, right? 0.99
01:22:25.000 Right.
01:22:25.000 So I changed my network name.
01:22:29.000 I can change it to anything I want.
01:22:31.000 Right.
01:22:31.000 So I put, like, weed your lawn.
01:22:33.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.
01:22:34.000 I changed my network.
01:22:35.000 And then I looked on, like, are we links, sister? 1.00
01:22:37.000 Fucking weed your lawn. 1.00
01:22:39.000 Hey! 1.00
01:22:40.000 Hey, son of a bitch. 1.00
01:22:41.000 Yeah, quit trimming my fucking hedges. 1.00
01:22:43.000 Oh, that's great. 1.00
01:22:44.000 Wow. 1.00
01:22:45.000 Shit like that. 1.00
01:22:45.000 That's funny, they try to steal off your fucking wireless. 1.00
01:22:47.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:22:48.000 Yeah, man, that's creepy when you have neighborhoods, man. 1.00
01:22:51.000 There's always that one kid that lives down the block that's going to steal your fucking shit when you're not looking. 1.00
01:22:55.000 Someone has some troubled 16-year-old. 1.00
01:22:58.000 Troubled youth walking around.
01:23:00.000 Always, man. 1.00
01:23:01.000 My friend of mine got his fucking bike stolen. 1.00
01:23:03.000 Some fucking kid down the street. 1.00
01:23:05.000 I saw this kid just walking up the block, just walking up, just looking around, not doing anything. 1.00
01:23:10.000 It's like, where's that guy fucking going? 0.97
01:23:12.000 He's walking up. 0.99
01:23:13.000 First of all, in L.A., very few people without a dog walking.
01:23:17.000 Yeah.
01:23:18.000 I don't have, you know, chicks have Lululemon on or something like that. 1.00
01:23:22.000 You know, they're dressed in outfits. 0.99
01:23:23.000 I mean, when you see just a lone fucking thug, it's like seeing an ant just away from the rest of the fucking ants. 0.99
01:23:29.000 It's so important to live in a nice spot. 1.00
01:23:31.000 It's so important to live in a quiet spot.
01:23:33.000 Just try to find a quiet, nice spot.
01:23:34.000 And that's why so many people go to the suburbs.
01:23:36.000 You know, it's like you go to downtown Cleveland...
01:23:38.000 It's shut down.
01:23:39.000 There's nothing there. 0.98
01:23:40.000 Every single store is released and shit like that. 0.96
01:23:43.000 I couldn't find a department store. 0.96
01:23:44.000 My wife sometimes helps me pack.
01:23:46.000 No underwear.
01:23:47.000 So I go to buy underwear in downtown Cleveland.
01:23:49.000 Not a department store.
01:23:50.000 It's like Walgreens or Brooks Brothers.
01:23:53.000 And that's the only two little things that they had.
01:23:55.000 Cleveland's weird.
01:23:56.000 Yeah.
01:23:56.000 Because everybody moved out to a quieter place.
01:23:59.000 Is that what it is?
01:23:59.000 Yeah.
01:24:00.000 Well, it's also...
01:24:00.000 The jobs disappeared, right?
01:24:02.000 Yeah.
01:24:02.000 Isn't that what happened with Cleveland?
01:24:03.000 Some plants got shut down or something?
01:24:04.000 Yeah.
01:24:05.000 And Detroit.
01:24:06.000 You know, people went south.
01:24:08.000 Went to Columbus and Cincinnati because just...
01:24:11.000 I mean...
01:24:12.000 Cleveland used to be the biggest city in Ohio.
01:24:16.000 It used to be like the flats.
01:24:17.000 It used to be the place to be, the cool part of Ohio.
01:24:20.000 Now it's scary.
01:24:22.000 Improv down there, that's a real dump.
01:24:23.000 The Cleveland one?
01:24:24.000 I think I did it once.
01:24:25.000 Well, they just gave out so many passes, they completely ruined the room.
01:24:29.000 That's what a lot of comedy clubs do, is just the quality.
01:24:32.000 They're just giving out passes.
01:24:34.000 They give out free passes, so the tickets are free, so they're selling booze.
01:24:37.000 And the tickets have no value.
01:24:38.000 A lot of places believe that they're in the liquor business, not the comedy business, and they just want people inside drinking.
01:24:44.000 Well, I see their point, man. 1.00
01:24:46.000 You've got to keep the fucking wolves away. 1.00
01:24:47.000 Sure. 0.99
01:24:48.000 It's like for a lot of these places, like in the middle of nowhere, it's real hard.
01:24:52.000 And a lot of the comics that are getting shipped down there are terrible.
01:24:55.000 Yeah.
01:24:55.000 How many times have you been in a club and you look at the line and be like, what do they got going on here?
01:24:59.000 And you read their calendar and you're like, oh, shit. 1.00
01:25:01.000 Jesus, fuck. 1.00
01:25:02.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:25:03.000 And you just imagine these poor people having to come and sit and watch this.
01:25:06.000 Some kid told me a quote that I was working with. 0.86
01:25:08.000 He said he was at a show and this comic was so bad, some old black lady yells out, You're ruining my free passes! 0.98
01:25:17.000 Oh my god. 0.96
01:25:18.000 That was the best thing that sums everything up.
01:25:22.000 That's hilarious.
01:25:23.000 You're ruining my free passes!
01:25:25.000 That's hilarious.
01:25:27.000 I got this for free and I hate it.
01:25:29.000 This is horrible.
01:25:31.000 That's so funny.
01:25:32.000 And that's why a lot of people get...
01:25:34.000 When you're a comedy promoter, you do free beer.
01:25:38.000 There's always got to be something else that will justify that I can move. 0.99
01:25:43.000 Yeah, it's a tough fucking business, man. 0.99
01:25:44.000 Any sort of bar, restaurant business, owning a pool hall, anything like that, any nighttime business, those fucking things are hard, man. 0.98
01:25:52.000 And when times are tough like they are now... 0.93
01:25:54.000 The economy gets shitty, and then it becomes, you know, like, then they really don't want to go out.
01:25:58.000 They don't want to take a chance and just go see comedy.
01:26:00.000 You know, if, you know, they know someone is going to be there, you know, Bill Burr is in town.
01:26:04.000 Oh, okay, let's go see him.
01:26:05.000 You know, I know who he is.
01:26:06.000 Yeah, Stanhope has that joke that he used to know.
01:26:08.000 It's like, how many people are here to see me?
01:26:10.000 How many people are here to see comedy?
01:26:12.000 And then half of them reply.
01:26:14.000 And it's like, you don't do that with anything else.
01:26:16.000 You don't just roll into, you know, too many things.
01:26:21.000 Yeah.
01:26:21.000 It's also, you know, I've said this before, but I'll say it again, the real problem is the generic label comedy.
01:26:27.000 It's like you don't go to see live music, not knowing if you're going to get Barry Manilow or Guns N' Roses or, you know, a rap band, you know, but with comedy, you could get that.
01:26:35.000 And you could get that all on the same night.
01:26:37.000 You can get like five different comics can go up at the improv and they all have five different, totally different acts.
01:26:42.000 Sure.
01:26:43.000 John Reap and Eddie Griffin, maybe.
01:26:45.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:26:46.000 The polar opposites.
01:26:48.000 Bob Oshack.
01:26:49.000 You know, just these drastic differences.
01:26:52.000 You know Bob Oshack can't call into the store anymore?
01:26:55.000 Really?
01:26:55.000 Yeah, they told him he's too old.
01:26:57.000 Why?
01:26:57.000 Are you serious?
01:26:59.000 But then what's-his-name still can go there every day?
01:27:02.000 Yeah, he's got his thing.
01:27:03.000 Wow.
01:27:04.000 Yeah.
01:27:05.000 Yeah.
01:27:07.000 Bob Oshak is a very funny comedy writer and a very funny comedian.
01:27:13.000 I mean, you should look him up.
01:27:14.000 He's incredible.
01:27:15.000 And also, when you sit and listen to the guy, that is a perfect talk about alliteration and the story.
01:27:21.000 I mean, just top-notch.
01:27:24.000 Yeah, he would be a great talk show host.
01:27:26.000 He was, I think for a while.
01:27:27.000 That's when he moved to Florida, and he was working on one of those Good Morning shows as the real correspondent.
01:27:32.000 When was he doing this?
01:27:33.000 He moved away from L.A., I'd say three years ago.
01:27:35.000 Really?
01:27:36.000 You can type in Bob Boshak on YouTube and see him as a morning correspondent.
01:27:41.000 Wow, so that fell apart and then he came back to LA? And it was for some big gig and they just moved back to Los Angeles.
01:27:45.000 Yeah, so Bob Oshak in the morning or whatever.
01:27:48.000 Does he have kids?
01:27:49.000 Yeah, he has two kids about the same age as mine, you know, in that eight and four range.
01:27:53.000 I can't believe they're telling him not to get spots.
01:27:56.000 Did he play David Letterman in that old movie?
01:27:58.000 No, no, no.
01:27:59.000 But he always has this look about him where he really looks like a young Dave Letterman.
01:28:03.000 He was voted by Oprah to be one of the top...
01:28:07.000 I mean, speaking of Oprah, we were talking about that's how we first met.
01:28:11.000 It was over some old Oprahs watching.
01:28:13.000 Well, we did stand up together and we went up to my house and just sat there baked 11 years ago watching old Oprah footage. 0.99
01:28:19.000 Yeah, we were doing bong hits in Al Madrigal's couch watching Oprah from like the 80s when she had big hair and shit. 0.97
01:28:26.000 I was like, do you think she's rich or did she have plastic surgery? 0.99
01:28:28.000 What's happening right now?
01:28:30.000 Why?
01:28:31.000 We're just sitting there.
01:28:32.000 And I think there were people around us.
01:28:34.000 But me and you were just sitting watching the Oprah.
01:28:36.000 There was a little bit of a gathering and people were talking and drinking.
01:28:39.000 It was your brother and I think your wife, before she was your wife, and one other person.
01:28:44.000 Yeah, a couple other people.
01:28:45.000 And so we're just completely focused on this old Oprah.
01:28:48.000 And we were barbecued.
01:28:49.000 And you know how when you're barbecued, something all of a sudden is like, why have I never seen it like this before?
01:28:55.000 It was so strange.
01:28:56.000 It was like we were watching an alien film.
01:28:58.000 It didn't even look real.
01:28:59.000 Anyway, Oshak was on Oprah and touted as one of the next great comedians. 0.99
01:29:04.000 And nobody knows comedy like that bitch. 1.00
01:29:08.000 That's what our whole new network's about. 1.00
01:29:09.000 Watch out Comedy Central.
01:29:10.000 Own.
01:29:12.000 It's like the white version of Def Jam.
01:29:15.000 What?
01:29:18.000 So, nothing on Oshak?
01:29:20.000 We don't have to pull him up.
01:29:22.000 It doesn't matter.
01:29:23.000 It's just another one of those stories.
01:29:26.000 It's been the interesting thing about being a comedian and living in LA is watching the whole story of humanity unfold for many different people and many different players.
01:29:36.000 They take their part in the game and they all go through it and you get to watch them.
01:29:40.000 A lot of them you get to learn from, too. 0.86
01:29:42.000 Just learn from their fuck-ups and learn from even their successes. 0.96
01:29:44.000 You can sort of pick the path that you want to go. 0.97
01:29:46.000 It's like choose your own adventure.
01:29:47.000 It's like, am I going to be like that, dude?
01:29:49.000 Or am I going to end up like that, dude?
01:29:51.000 And then you get to go, am I going to go into the cave?
01:29:53.000 Am I going to choose to go to space?
01:29:55.000 You have to make choices along the way. 0.99
01:29:57.000 And if you fuck up, then you might go off in some other positive direction, but not necessarily. 0.99
01:30:02.000 I mean, there's a lot of choices to be made. 0.99
01:30:04.000 Like I was talking about, I've been on fucking six pilots or something like that at this point since we've met.
01:30:11.000 And not one of them has really taken off. 0.82
01:30:13.000 It's been weird.
01:30:13.000 And one of them could have taken off immediately.
01:30:15.000 Yeah, you could end up like...
01:30:16.000 You could get super-duper lucky.
01:30:19.000 And not to say you were lucky at all.
01:30:20.000 I was lucky. 0.99
01:30:21.000 News radio and shit. 0.99
01:30:22.000 Look, there's no doubt I was lucky. 0.99
01:30:24.000 The first two things I ever auditioned for, I got.
01:30:27.000 The first two shows.
01:30:28.000 I didn't go on a bunch of auditions like a lot of actors.
01:30:31.000 I auditioned for one thing when I was living in New York.
01:30:33.000 I got it.
01:30:34.000 Came out to California.
01:30:35.000 That got canceled.
01:30:36.000 I auditioned for news radio.
01:30:37.000 I got that.
01:30:38.000 Bam.
01:30:38.000 No acting experience at all.
01:30:40.000 It's total luck.
01:30:41.000 There's no getting away from it.
01:30:43.000 It was just I was in the right place at the right time when they were looking for stand-ups on sitcoms.
01:30:48.000 That's all it is.
01:30:49.000 So it's a lot of luck.
01:30:50.000 You know, I could have had the same thing as you.
01:30:51.000 It could have been six different pilots and nothing happened.
01:30:53.000 Or it could have been one.
01:30:54.000 And Ray Romano actually had that part before you did.
01:30:57.000 You talked about that.
01:30:57.000 In news radio, yeah.
01:30:58.000 Yeah.
01:30:59.000 He had it, but I didn't take it from him.
01:31:00.000 I took it from the guy who took it from him.
01:31:02.000 Aha.
01:31:03.000 They decided somewhere along the line that they were going to go in some different direction.
01:31:08.000 And meanwhile, it turned out to be the greatest thing ever for Ray Romano. 0.99
01:31:10.000 Fuck News Radio. 0.98
01:31:11.000 Ray Romano made like $800 million or something. 1.00
01:31:14.000 We saw him the other night.
01:31:15.000 Do you know him?
01:31:16.000 Yeah, real well.
01:31:17.000 And he seemed like he was incredibly humble and cool.
01:31:21.000 Yeah, he's a very cool guy.
01:31:22.000 He's as down-to-earth as possible.
01:31:24.000 He hasn't changed at all.
01:31:25.000 He's the same guy.
01:31:26.000 And he was talking about something that I can totally relate to, too.
01:31:30.000 When we were at the taping of Paul Provenza's Green Room, he did it the night before I did it.
01:31:35.000 And by the way, kiddies, I had a conversation with Mark Maron.
01:31:38.000 We're both going to do each other's podcasts.
01:31:39.000 Yeah, I think it'll be good.
01:31:40.000 There's no real beef there.
01:31:42.000 This is a big Twitter issue.
01:31:44.000 So anyway, people keep asking me to do it.
01:31:47.000 Long story.
01:31:48.000 That's why, with the other thing, I don't want any beef.
01:31:50.000 I hear you.
01:31:51.000 It's distracting.
01:31:52.000 It's a waste of time.
01:31:53.000 That's all it is.
01:31:54.000 It's a waste of time. 0.99
01:31:54.000 And you really think about pride and shit like that. 0.99
01:31:56.000 Shut up. 1.00
01:31:57.000 Who gives this fuck? 1.00
01:31:59.000 Go to work. 1.00
01:31:59.000 It's like the war of art. 1.00
01:32:01.000 I just want to do my shit. 1.00
01:32:01.000 Yeah, I hear you. 1.00
01:32:02.000 I'm exactly the same way.
01:32:03.000 Anyway, Ray Romano was talking about how...
01:32:06.000 You know, even after all these years, I do these shows.
01:32:10.000 It sounds like Kermit the Fraud. 0.99
01:32:12.000 He said even after he does all these years and he does these shows at the Mirage in Vegas or wherever he goes, and, you know, massive fucking crowd. 0.99
01:32:21.000 He said he still feels like a fraud. 0.99
01:32:22.000 Imposter.
01:32:23.000 Yeah.
01:32:23.000 He feels like when he gets, he's stepping out there that all these people are...
01:32:26.000 Sure. 1.00
01:32:27.000 I think, he goes, I think at any moment we're going to just turn around and just point a finger at me and go, you're a dick. 1.00
01:32:32.000 We don't really like you. 1.00
01:32:33.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:32:34.000 And that is what it feels like.
01:32:35.000 It's a weird thing.
01:32:38.000 You do comedy all these years and people are there to see you and they're all psyched up and they're cheering when they're bringing your name. 0.90
01:32:44.000 And as you're walking to the stage, you're like, what the fuck am I even doing?
01:32:48.000 Tom Papa told me great stories about that. 0.97
01:32:51.000 He worked to sell out comedy clubs and then he started selling out some comedy clubs and then he moved to the smaller theaters.
01:32:56.000 And then as a guy in a smaller theater, he didn't take a moment to go, this is it, I'm in the smaller theater.
01:33:02.000 He started thinking about getting in bigger theaters.
01:33:04.000 Are we filling this one?
01:33:07.000 Okay, we're filling this theater and then we're going to move to a bigger theater.
01:33:10.000 He wasn't satisfied...
01:33:12.000 Right.
01:33:13.000 With the little theater. 0.98
01:33:14.000 You know, where I'm thinking, oh my god, if I can get to a theater, I don't give a shit what size it is. 0.91
01:33:20.000 Yeah, that's like the jump-off point, man, for comics. 0.73
01:33:23.000 So you always aspire to do it in theaters.
01:33:25.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:33:26.000 Theaters are a lot of work, though, man.
01:33:27.000 Sure.
01:33:28.000 It's a lot of work to try to sell them, unless you've got this giant following, you know?
01:33:31.000 I was on the road with Mitch Hedberg and he told a story about him and Lynn trying to think they could do a theater on their own.
01:33:39.000 And they didn't need a promoter.
01:33:40.000 And it was sold out at this comedy club forever and they were just going to try to do it.
01:33:44.000 And he said it was an absolute disaster.
01:33:47.000 Really?
01:33:47.000 Like half full, they lost money or barely broke even.
01:33:51.000 Well, they probably didn't have the internet in full effect back then.
01:33:54.000 No, not at all.
01:33:55.000 Because I remember Mitch Hedberg's website was bunk.
01:33:57.000 It looked like somebody put it together out of Netscape Navigator, built a website page.
01:34:02.000 Greg Shaley did that.
01:34:03.000 You know Shaley?
01:34:04.000 No.
01:34:04.000 He goes around with Stan Hope?
01:34:05.000 Yeah.
01:34:05.000 No.
01:34:06.000 Yeah, Greg Shaley did that website.
01:34:08.000 It's a terrible website.
01:34:09.000 Yeah, it really is.
01:34:10.000 It's an older style.
01:34:11.000 Yeah, it was old.
01:34:11.000 There's no updates going on there.
01:34:13.000 Right.
01:34:13.000 And so he didn't have a regular blog or he didn't have a message board.
01:34:17.000 So it's hard to get the word out. 0.99
01:34:18.000 You've got to have a lot of shit going on. 1.00
01:34:20.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:34:20.000 A lot of different connections. 1.00
01:34:21.000 Well, now there's also so many different applications that you can use that allow it, you know, the communication to be just, you know, it's a lot easier before you're doing, you know, just emails if you're doing that or some sort of weird email newsletter with asterisks, you know, as a separation points, you know, there's a lot more out there now.
01:34:40.000 It's easy. 0.99
01:34:41.000 I mean, you've got to be a fucking marketing major to do all this shit. 1.00
01:34:43.000 I've got Twitter. 1.00
01:34:44.000 I've got to keep track of all this stuff. 1.00
01:34:46.000 And then you're talking about tricking out fucking Facebook pages. 0.98
01:34:48.000 And we just deleted our MySpace pages. 1.00
01:34:50.000 It's like staying on top of this shit. 0.99
01:34:52.000 Well, it's got to become a part of your life. 1.00
01:34:53.000 It really does. 0.99
01:34:54.000 And I love the fucking news stream. 0.99
01:34:55.000 I did that with... 0.99
01:34:56.000 I was in Dallas with Hal Sparks.
01:35:00.000 He dropped by.
01:35:01.000 Hal Sparks was here.
01:35:02.000 We had him on the podcast.
01:35:03.000 Yeah, we had this really surreal thing.
01:35:05.000 We were at a strip club at Triple Delage.
01:35:08.000 You know that place?
01:35:09.000 The Lodge.
01:35:09.000 Where's it at?
01:35:10.000 In Dallas, Addison.
01:35:12.000 And there was a monkey there.
01:35:14.000 Wow. 1.00
01:35:14.000 So it's me and Hal and a monkey and fucking strippers. 1.00
01:35:18.000 It was really fucking weird. 0.99
01:35:19.000 We went to dinner with that guy's radio show, Big Dick Hunter. 0.98
01:35:24.000 Okay, yeah.
01:35:25.000 The Dallas guy.
01:35:25.000 Richard Hunter, yeah.
01:35:26.000 He's a good guy.
01:35:27.000 And so we're there and his wife works at the Lodge, which is a great strip club. 0.99
01:35:32.000 We're talking about strip clubs being seedy after you have kids and shit like that. 1.00
01:35:37.000 This is a really fucking nice one. 0.99
01:35:38.000 It's top notch. 0.98
01:35:39.000 I mean, that's the thing.
01:35:41.000 It's like the higher quality.
01:35:43.000 I seem to enjoy everything luxury at this point.
01:35:45.000 Yeah, right.
01:35:46.000 Yeah.
01:35:47.000 I want everything to be top notch. 0.97
01:35:48.000 I've seen the best hotel room, you know, and shit like that. 0.93
01:35:52.000 And everything is going to be held up in comparison to that at this point. 0.99
01:35:55.000 Once you fly first class, it's difficult to fucking go on a Southwest flight crammed in. 0.95
01:36:00.000 I know. 0.98
01:36:01.000 You don't realize how things can be nice. 0.99
01:36:03.000 Holy shit. 0.99
01:36:03.000 Everything can be nice. 0.99
01:36:04.000 And the same thing is true with strip clubs.
01:36:06.000 You know, like there's the bad ones. 0.96
01:36:09.000 It's disgusting. 0.78
01:36:10.000 Like you said, becoming a germaphobe. 0.92
01:36:12.000 You know, and I'm thinking about all these other dudes.
01:36:14.000 I was in Tempe, and it was early on in my comedy career.
01:36:18.000 I went to a strip club during the day.
01:36:20.000 That's what you do.
01:36:21.000 Check right in right during the day.
01:36:23.000 By the way, you now have 3,148 followers.
01:36:26.000 That's amazing.
01:36:27.000 We just gave you like 400 followers.
01:36:29.000 Easily.
01:36:30.000 Bam! 0.98
01:36:30.000 Boom, like that. 0.98
01:36:31.000 You guys respond. 0.99
01:36:32.000 I fucking like it. 0.97
01:36:34.000 Respect. 0.97
01:36:34.000 I'm sorry. 0.97
01:36:35.000 So you went to a strip club during the day.
01:36:36.000 Strip club during the day.
01:36:37.000 Which is never a good time, right?
01:36:38.000 Never a good time.
01:36:39.000 I remember going to a bachelor party and this strip club was one of the best places.
01:36:42.000 Like fantasy sequence.
01:36:43.000 Two girls at one time.
01:36:45.000 It was half off beers, half off lap dances.
01:36:48.000 Wow.
01:36:48.000 Or five lap dances for one or some crazy thing.
01:36:52.000 Five lap dances for one. 0.95
01:36:53.000 No, it was a dream sequence for a strip club. 0.75
01:36:56.000 Perfect ASU chicks well before being married. 0.88
01:37:00.000 And I go in there, and during the day when I was by myself, old guy just in the corner in a wheelchair, and this girl, he's a regular, and this girl who's really hot goes up to him and starts rubbing on him, and I was looking at her before, and she starts like, he's like, hey John, how are you today?
01:37:19.000 Did you get the grilled cheese?
01:37:20.000 And like having a small talk.
01:37:22.000 And she spends like 30 minutes with him and then comes directly up to me afterwards and goes, do you want dance? 1.00
01:37:29.000 I looked at her and I go, no!
01:37:31.000 Absolutely not! 1.00
01:37:32.000 What the fuck? 1.00
01:37:33.000 You see what you just did? 1.00
01:37:34.000 You just rubbed up against death and I'm gonna fucking get a lap dance? 1.00
01:37:38.000 It's disgusting! 1.00
01:37:39.000 So I'm saying this place, The Lodge in Dallas, is actually really fucking nice and beautiful. 0.99
01:37:44.000 Not like that place. 0.89
01:37:45.000 Not like the place with the old lady. 0.96
01:37:47.000 There's a tricky thing, man, with old dudes, man.
01:37:49.000 Old dudes, like, they get taken at strip clubs all the time. 1.00
01:37:52.000 You know, they become, like, a part of the landscape.
01:37:55.000 When Eddie Bravo used to be a DJ at his strip club, I used to go and visit him.
01:37:58.000 Of course he was.
01:38:01.000 For years.
01:38:02.000 For, like, ten years.
01:38:03.000 That's awesome.
01:38:03.000 And I would go and visit him at work, and he had, like, you get to know the ecosystem of the place.
01:38:09.000 You get to know how it works.
01:38:10.000 And you get to see, like, he was dating this girl, right?
01:38:14.000 And the girl was over by the DJ booth, and I'm talking to her.
01:38:17.000 And I'm like, yeah, so what's going on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
01:38:20.000 You know, we're just talking.
01:38:21.000 She's talking totally normal like this.
01:38:22.000 And all of a sudden, this guy walks in.
01:38:24.000 And the guy had, like, a postal worker's jacket on.
01:38:26.000 So he's not a guy who makes a ton of money, right?
01:38:28.000 He works for the post office.
01:38:30.000 Post office, great.
01:38:30.000 So he comes in.
01:38:31.000 He's got a baseball hat on.
01:38:33.000 Looks like he's probably about 50. And she all of a sudden turns it on.
01:38:37.000 And I saw it.
01:38:38.000 And it was shocking.
01:38:39.000 It was like when you see your cat kill a mouse for the first time.
01:38:43.000 You ever see a cat kill a mouse?
01:38:44.000 And you love that cat.
01:38:45.000 But all of a sudden, bang! 0.99
01:38:46.000 That cat is fucking this mouse up. 1.00
01:38:48.000 And you're like, whoa, you evil bitch. 1.00
01:38:50.000 I never knew this about you. 1.00
01:38:52.000 Well, I'm talking to her.
01:38:53.000 She seems totally normal.
01:38:54.000 And this guy comes in.
01:38:55.000 She's like...
01:38:56.000 Hey baby! 1.00
01:38:58.000 And she comes running over to this guy and you can see this poor fuck is just smitten. 1.00
01:39:03.000 He's just so sad. 1.00
01:39:04.000 She's like, oh my god, you're here!
01:39:06.000 And she puts her one hand on his lower back and one hand on his chest, and he's got his arms around her, both of them, clasped behind him, and she's rubbing up against him.
01:39:14.000 I'm like, whoa, I'm watching a victim. 0.98
01:39:17.000 She's going to inject him with venom and suck all the money out of him. 1.00
01:39:21.000 This guy had bought her a truck. 1.00
01:39:23.000 He bought her a Yukon Denali. 0.99
01:39:25.000 She was having problems with her car, so he bought her a fucking car, an expensive one, one of those super luxuried-out Denalis. 0.99
01:39:34.000 Just like Cadillacs, like Escalades. 0.99
01:39:36.000 No, just as nice, but just with trunk space.
01:39:38.000 Dude, it was the craziest thing ever.
01:39:41.000 I was watching it, and it was like, whoa.
01:39:43.000 But this is nature, man.
01:39:44.000 This is just as natural as any other thing.
01:39:48.000 Just as natural as a...
01:39:49.000 A bug that gets caught in a spider's web and gets zapped with venom.
01:39:52.000 And also marriage.
01:39:54.000 A lot of these guys married way too early.
01:39:56.000 I mean, just think back then they were getting married to 20, 25. So they're trapped in these relationships.
01:40:00.000 They grow into different people.
01:40:02.000 It's no wonder there's so much divorce. 1.00
01:40:04.000 So then you're trapped with this woman who just becomes fucking nasty. 1.00
01:40:07.000 And then they get those mom haircuts so they all look like they have that little lesbian mom haircut about them. 0.99
01:40:12.000 And like denim jeans and all kinds of weird mom jeans.
01:40:15.000 They give up all together on their bodies.
01:40:17.000 And then he can go to a strip club and be with a 10. And all it costs is maybe $22,000 after you get that car wholesale.
01:40:26.000 And here he's got this 10 that's just all over him on a regular basis.
01:40:29.000 That was apparently his modus operandi, this guy's thing.
01:40:32.000 Was to come there after work and just hang out.
01:40:35.000 He would hang out for hours and hours and hours and just give this chick all of his money. 1.00
01:40:38.000 Like literally gave this chick all of his money.
01:40:40.000 Every day it was like a new thousand.
01:40:42.000 Thousand here, thousand there, thousand here, thousand there.
01:40:44.000 That's another part with strip clubs is I'm too worried.
01:40:46.000 I started thinking like, if I took this money and went to Osh...
01:40:52.000 Oshkosh? 0.99
01:40:52.000 What is Oshkosh? 0.99
01:40:53.000 Orchard supply hardware.
01:40:55.000 Oh, God.
01:40:56.000 House supplies?
01:40:57.000 Yeah, that's funny.
01:40:58.000 I've got to work on my place.
01:41:01.000 Stripper money cuts into my home. 0.99
01:41:02.000 That's mad money.
01:41:04.000 That's like, I'm a baller.
01:41:06.000 Seriously, yeah, taking it and throwing it away.
01:41:08.000 Let's throw away all this money.
01:41:10.000 I think about that all the time, even if it's going out drinking or something like that. 0.99
01:41:14.000 I'm like, shit, I just, you know, went out to eat and I spent, you know, $60. 1.00
01:41:17.000 I could have went and bought a, you know, fucking grocery. 1.00
01:41:22.000 I hate that. 1.00
01:41:23.000 Yeah, you can get, like, the best steak ever at a supermarket for, like, $20.
01:41:26.000 Yeah, not even with $20.
01:41:29.000 Well, if you get a big, fat, thick one, aren't they, like, $20?
01:41:32.000 Yeah.
01:41:34.000 Stakes are like 20 bucks.
01:41:35.000 Well, that's like also riding the wave of these comedy careers because sometime point you can get, like look at a guy like Elon Gold, you know, the comic.
01:41:43.000 He's always been on shows.
01:41:44.000 He was on that show, Stacked with Pamela Anderson.
01:41:46.000 He was on, you know, he's been on sitcoms.
01:41:48.000 He's got four kids.
01:41:49.000 Wow, does he really?
01:41:50.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:41:51.000 He's an impressionist who looks like Elon Gold, Seinfeld, and shit like that. 0.93
01:41:54.000 He does a lot of good impressions. 0.95
01:41:55.000 He's a very good impressionist.
01:41:56.000 He does good impressions of comics.
01:41:58.000 Yeah, he's very funny.
01:41:59.000 Anyway, so he is on these shows, and the shows go away.
01:42:04.000 And he has to sort of ride it out and save as much money as he possibly can.
01:42:07.000 I'm in the same boat.
01:42:08.000 It's like, I got a deal, and then I have nothing.
01:42:10.000 Well, the key is to keep the stand-up going so that you always have something.
01:42:14.000 Yeah.
01:42:14.000 You know, if your stand-up is strong and you headline all over the country and you get a big following and, you know, especially develop an internet presence, then you don't have to ever worry about things.
01:42:22.000 Sure.
01:42:22.000 Because you always got money coming in.
01:42:23.000 And you can always sort of hustle.
01:42:25.000 I mean, I'm not making a ton of money doing stand-up.
01:42:27.000 Yeah.
01:42:27.000 But I can make a living.
01:42:29.000 I can definitely make what some of that guy in the post office does.
01:42:33.000 But you could.
01:42:33.000 But listen, you could be making a ton of money doing stand-up.
01:42:36.000 You have the comedy chops.
01:42:38.000 It's just a matter of getting your comedy out there to more people.
01:42:40.000 It's not that you don't have a great product.
01:42:42.000 No, no, no.
01:42:42.000 That's the thing.
01:42:43.000 People come out to see me live.
01:42:44.000 It's nothing but good shows.
01:42:46.000 Bill Burr, I talk to him a lot, and he told me it's killing an obscurity.
01:42:50.000 He goes, 2001 to 2006 was my killing an obscurity phase.
01:42:53.000 He goes, I was just crushing it everywhere you go. 1.00
01:42:56.000 Nobody knows who the fuck you are. 1.00
01:42:58.000 And then it just starts to snowball and snowball, and you get on this thing, and that thing happens. 1.00
01:43:02.000 And it's just getting the people in the notoriety... 1.00
01:43:05.000 To have people be familiar with your shit. 1.00
01:43:07.000 And then, you know, it'll just all start to fucking happen. 1.00
01:43:10.000 Yeah, the key is just to keep doing comedy. 0.93
01:43:12.000 When I was on news radio, like, I was always constantly getting encouraged by people to not do it anymore.
01:43:16.000 They were like, why do comedy?
01:43:19.000 You're an actor now.
01:43:21.000 Look at, like, Paul Reiser, who just could have been, you know, Seinfeld kept going, all these guys.
01:43:26.000 Ray Romano still does stand-up.
01:43:27.000 Kevin James, I think, is still going out.
01:43:29.000 Reiser doesn't do it at all anymore?
01:43:30.000 Reiser just stopped all...
01:43:32.000 I was like, thank God.
01:43:33.000 You know what?
01:43:33.000 Working with Helen Hunt for 10 years probably just crushes every comedy instinct you have.
01:43:39.000 Every day, you're probably like, what the fuck am I doing for money?
01:43:42.000 I mean, Michael Keaton was a stand-up. 0.98
01:43:45.000 There's all these actors.
01:43:46.000 I don't know Michael Keaton.
01:43:47.000 Michael Keaton.
01:43:48.000 I haven't seen any Michael Keaton stand-up.
01:43:49.000 Batman was a stand-up.
01:43:52.000 What happened to Michael Keaton?
01:43:53.000 Stopped working. 1.00
01:43:54.000 He's still a shit? 1.00
01:43:54.000 No, he's working. 1.00
01:43:55.000 For a long time, though, he stopped.
01:43:57.000 Wow.
01:43:57.000 Did he?
01:43:58.000 Yeah.
01:43:58.000 He dropped off and became this kind of character actor guy.
01:44:03.000 He went from being this main movie star to a break, and then now he's a character actor, which is really kind of a fascinating transition.
01:44:10.000 Well, he was in the movie The Good Guys with the other guys.
01:44:14.000 Will Ferrell.
01:44:15.000 Will Ferrell.
01:44:16.000 I didn't see that.
01:44:16.000 Was it good?
01:44:17.000 He's really funny then.
01:44:19.000 He's bringing up TLC references.
01:44:22.000 It's just weird that, you know, he was a giant movie star at one point in time, remember?
01:44:27.000 The clone movie? 0.99
01:44:28.000 He was fucking Batman! 0.99
01:44:29.000 Three Men and a Baby, remember that? 0.99
01:44:31.000 Was he in that?
01:44:31.000 Wasn't he?
01:44:32.000 Tom Guttenberg was in that with...
01:44:34.000 Steve Guttenberg.
01:44:35.000 Steve Guttenberg, sorry.
01:44:36.000 Here's a Steve Guttenberg story.
01:44:38.000 Steve Guttenberg, you know, he's lost his mind.
01:44:41.000 Yeah, and he used to be, another one, he used to be a big movie star, and now the guy can't get arrested, he doesn't do anything.
01:44:46.000 Well, the day Phil Hartman was murdered...
01:44:49.000 Steve Guttenberg shows up at Phil Hartman's house.
01:44:52.000 He didn't know Phil.
01:44:53.000 I mean, if he knew him, he knew him casually.
01:44:55.000 He didn't know him like I knew him or somebody who worked with him on Saturday Night Live might have known him.
01:45:00.000 He barely knew the guy. 0.97
01:45:01.000 So he shows up with a fucking suit and tie standing in front of Phil Hartman's house and acting as a liaison between the entertainment industry and the press. 0.99
01:45:12.000 And trying to ask the press to use respect and to use good judgment. 1.00
01:45:17.000 No way!
01:45:18.000 Wow!
01:45:18.000 To leave his family alone in this trying time.
01:45:20.000 And the way he did it was...
01:45:21.000 What a Weasley move. 0.76
01:45:22.000 It was so creepy, dude. 1.00
01:45:23.000 It was so like, this poor fucking guy. 1.00
01:45:26.000 Something happened. 1.00
01:45:27.000 He blew a fuse or something.
01:45:29.000 He must have had some sort of a breakdown.
01:45:32.000 Because the idea of him even doing this...
01:45:34.000 Was he his neighbor or anything?
01:45:36.000 No!
01:45:36.000 Nowhere near him.
01:45:37.000 Wow.
01:45:38.000 There was a few famous neighbors, too.
01:45:39.000 He lived down the street from Sam Adams.
01:45:41.000 Not Sam Adams.
01:45:42.000 Samuel Jackson.
01:45:45.000 Sam Adams. 1.00
01:45:46.000 The fuck's wrong with me? 0.99
01:45:47.000 I mean, he had a bunch of famous neighbors. 0.99
01:45:48.000 And it wasn't someone saying, hey, this is my neighbor, please leave him alone.
01:45:53.000 It was a guy who just shows up and he says, the cameras are going to be here.
01:45:56.000 I'm just going to get on camera and I'm going to speak for the...
01:45:58.000 And he thought, he was like, yeah, it's some sort of a message. 0.99
01:46:00.000 But the real message that everybody was getting out of it was like, Why the fuck is Steve Guttenberg there with a suit and tie on in front of a murder scene? 0.99
01:46:06.000 Well, that's the same thing. 0.96
01:46:06.000 Do you remember Brian Holtzman at the Freddy Soto Memorial? 0.96
01:46:09.000 Did you ever hear about that?
01:46:10.000 No. 0.99
01:46:10.000 Where he goes, just yells out, and, um, half you motherfuckers here don't even know Freddy. 0.99
01:46:17.000 Just trying to fucking see if there's a manager or an agent. 1.00
01:46:21.000 You fucking fuck! 1.00
01:46:22.000 Yeah, let me hear, everybody. 1.00
01:46:24.000 Look at all you motherfuckers. 1.00
01:46:25.000 It's true, though. 1.00
01:46:26.000 He's right.
01:46:27.000 One of Freddie's friends admitted to never being a virgin during the memorial.
01:46:34.000 He goes, I knew Freddie would get the biggest kick out of this, so I'm going to do it.
01:46:37.000 He goes, I need to tell everybody right now.
01:46:40.000 He goes, I'm a virgin. 1.00
01:46:41.000 Oldsman goes up after him and goes, first line is, he goes, I'll fuck that virgin. 1.00
01:46:50.000 It's a memorial. 1.00
01:46:52.000 The place goes...
01:46:54.000 Oh my God.
01:46:55.000 I mean, that's how funny Holtzman is. 1.00
01:46:57.000 Anyway, so he then proceeds to say, look at you motherfuckers, like all looking around like somebody's here. 0.99
01:47:03.000 And then Joey Diaz, the best thing at the Marilyn Martinez memorial, went off on this guy, Jeff Valdez. 0.99
01:47:13.000 I think he's just, look at everybody, Jeff Valdez is there. 1.00
01:47:16.000 Fuck you, Jeff Valdez. 1.00
01:47:18.000 You know, just fucking, you cocksucker. 1.00
01:47:20.000 Marilyn fucking hated you, and we all fucking hate you. 1.00
01:47:23.000 Fuck you, Jeff, at the memorial. 1.00
01:47:26.000 Marilyn would love to fuck, and then I'm doing this for you now. 1.00
01:47:29.000 Joey, it was one of the... 1.00
01:47:30.000 Wow, I didn't even know that.
01:47:31.000 I had my hands on my face, and I was going, thank you, Joey.
01:47:34.000 Thank you, Joey. 0.97
01:47:35.000 Is the guy that much of a douchebag? 0.99
01:47:37.000 He's a douchebag, you know? 1.00
01:47:38.000 He's like one of these guys who would, you step on your own fucking mother. 1.00
01:47:43.000 That's what he's yelling at. 1.00
01:47:44.000 Yeah.
01:47:45.000 Wow.
01:47:45.000 That's what Joey was yelling at?
01:47:46.000 Because he knew Marilyn would love it.
01:47:48.000 Just like that guy told the story.
01:47:50.000 He goes, Marilyn would want me to do this right now.
01:47:52.000 And she would.
01:47:53.000 And she would.
01:47:53.000 I went on the road with her.
01:47:55.000 This is weird.
01:47:56.000 I mean, I've been on the road with Marilyn Martinez, Mitch Hedberg, This other guy passed away, Dan Crawford, that I was very good friends with, was in San Francisco, which is horrible.
01:48:07.000 We do a benefit, if you ever did San Francisco Punchline, the Dan Crawford Memorial Fund.
01:48:11.000 You know, we give a comic a free liquor tab for the whole year.
01:48:16.000 Oh, really? 0.99
01:48:17.000 Because this guy was just a great guy, a great partier, and he was one of my good friends, and he just fucking died. 0.99
01:48:22.000 Get away from me. 0.89
01:48:23.000 Oh, I'm sorry, yeah.
01:48:24.000 Brian just moved away.
01:48:27.000 He went to the hospital.
01:48:28.000 He was a comic living in his dad's basement.
01:48:30.000 Okay.
01:48:30.000 And he went to the hospital with a headache, a public hospital.
01:48:33.000 He didn't have insurance.
01:48:34.000 He's a comic.
01:48:35.000 Right.
01:48:35.000 24 years old.
01:48:36.000 And they said, no, we can't help you.
01:48:38.000 And they sent him away.
01:48:39.000 And then he went back and said, it's really bad.
01:48:41.000 You've got to help me.
01:48:43.000 And they gave him Vicodin.
01:48:44.000 And he went back to the garage.
01:48:46.000 And they found him convulsing on the floor.
01:48:49.000 Oh, jeez.
01:48:49.000 Because he had, bacteria had gotten in his brain.
01:48:51.000 Oh.
01:48:52.000 And had they seen him the first time when he walked in, he would totally be alive.
01:48:56.000 Wow.
01:48:56.000 Wow.
01:48:57.000 He was just a comic.
01:48:59.000 He was a kid without health insurance.
01:49:00.000 So, I mean, if anybody's up in the Bay Area, I'm doing the Dan Crawford scholarship thing in March, and we raise money to give to a free clinic.
01:49:07.000 How would they find out about the date?
01:49:08.000 Twitter?
01:49:09.000 Yeah, I'll definitely put it on Twitter.
01:49:11.000 Okay, so Al Magical on Twitter.
01:49:13.000 Wow, man. 1.00
01:49:14.000 So that shit happens all the time. 1.00
01:49:15.000 So I've been around all these guys. 1.00
01:49:17.000 I mean, and Greg Geraldo I've been friends with.
01:49:19.000 Did you know about Jerry Red Wilson?
01:49:21.000 Did you know Jerry Wilson?
01:49:22.000 You know, I heard that happening, but I didn't know the guy.
01:49:24.000 Jerry Red Wilson is another great guy.
01:49:26.000 I knew him from the scene in New York.
01:49:27.000 Really funny guy.
01:49:28.000 A lot of ethnic humor.
01:49:31.000 Irish kid.
01:49:32.000 They call him Jerry Red Wilson.
01:49:33.000 Gets a pilot.
01:49:34.000 His pilot's in the middle of shooting.
01:49:36.000 I think it went, but it got canceled.
01:49:39.000 Anyway, he's always working.
01:49:41.000 He's in the mix.
01:49:42.000 And he's got a headache. 1.00
01:49:44.000 He's got some fucking problem. 0.99
01:49:45.000 He goes to the hospital, and he's waiting in line. 1.00
01:49:48.000 I guess he's waiting in the waiting room for like an hour and a half.
01:49:51.000 And he can't take it anymore. 1.00
01:49:52.000 Fuck this. 1.00
01:49:52.000 I'm getting out of here. 1.00
01:49:53.000 And he has to go to Hawaii to film the Fantasy Island, the new version of Fantasy Island. 0.99
01:50:00.000 And by the time he gets there, he's so fucked up that he dies. 0.99
01:50:04.000 He had meningitis. 1.00
01:50:06.000 And he had green shit leaking out of his ears. 1.00
01:50:08.000 He had some serious fucking infection in his brain. 1.00
01:50:12.000 And he just let it go. 1.00
01:50:13.000 You need to find a place where you can go get checked out.
01:50:16.000 Well, he had money.
01:50:17.000 That's the problem. 1.00
01:50:18.000 But he just ignored the shit. 1.00
01:50:19.000 He was one of those impatient guys. 1.00
01:50:21.000 Fuck this. 1.00
01:50:21.000 I ain't got time for this. 1.00
01:50:22.000 Let's get out of here.
01:50:23.000 His career was taking off.
01:50:25.000 He had a million things going on.
01:50:26.000 He was one of those guys you would talk to him and he was just so obsessed with it.
01:50:29.000 He was like, well, we've got a deal right now with Universal.
01:50:30.000 If that doesn't get picked up, we've got more.
01:50:32.000 He was hustling.
01:50:34.000 He was hustling, yeah.
01:50:35.000 Yeah, he was making it happen.
01:50:36.000 So for him, that hour and a half sitting in that waiting room was just killing him. 1.00
01:50:39.000 So he leaves and he fucking dies. 0.99
01:50:41.000 You know? 1.00
01:50:41.000 Shit. 1.00
01:50:42.000 And you're not supposed to fly with a sinus infection. 1.00
01:50:44.000 They tell you that all the time. 1.00
01:50:45.000 You're not supposed to fly with that shit at all. 1.00
01:50:46.000 I flew once when I had pneumonia. 1.00
01:50:48.000 I've flown when I've... 1.00
01:50:49.000 Because I've got to get to a stupid gig. 1.00
01:50:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:50:51.000 And I just... 1.00
01:50:52.000 I'll fly. 0.98
01:50:52.000 When I go to the Pacific Northwest, it feels like my head's going to fucking explode. 0.98
01:50:56.000 Wow. 1.00
01:50:56.000 So you do that shit all the time and you... 1.00
01:50:59.000 I mean, you've got to... 1.00
01:51:01.000 Sometimes I get a little overboard hypochondriac a little bit. 0.99
01:51:04.000 Well, you know, I got sick for the first time this year in fucking years. 0.99
01:51:08.000 I haven't gotten sick. 0.99
01:51:09.000 And I slacked off.
01:51:10.000 And here's one of the reasons why.
01:51:12.000 I take a lot of probiotics.
01:51:14.000 I drink like kombucha.
01:51:15.000 This kombucha tea. 0.99
01:51:16.000 It's fucking super good for your health. 0.99
01:51:18.000 Coconut juice is healthy. 0.99
01:51:18.000 Coconut juice is great too. 0.99
01:51:19.000 But what happened with kombucha is they got in trouble with Whole Foods because their shit was more than one half of 1% alcohol. 0.98
01:51:27.000 So it has to be labeled. 0.99
01:51:28.000 So they watered the fuck down. 0.98
01:51:31.000 They watered their formula, like seriously watered it down. 1.00
01:51:35.000 Where it tastes like shit. 0.99
01:51:36.000 It does not taste near, it's GT's kombucha. 0.99
01:51:38.000 It used to taste awesome.
01:51:39.000 It was like very carbonated, very strong, and I really enjoyed the flavor.
01:51:43.000 But then it became like this, like, literally it feels like it's half water and half what it used to be.
01:51:47.000 And I just, I think it's not nearly as active, like the probiotics in it.
01:51:53.000 I don't think they're nearly as strong.
01:51:55.000 So I got sick, like for the first time ever.
01:51:57.000 Do you really think that's why you got sick?
01:51:58.000 Yeah, you know why?
01:51:59.000 Absolutely. 0.99
01:51:59.000 This is why I think it, because I've never been sick before and I've been drinking that shit almost every day. 0.99
01:52:03.000 So it changes within a month. 0.97
01:52:07.000 Of it changing, I go and I get sick for the first time.
01:52:10.000 I really think that makes sense.
01:52:12.000 I went to a vitamin shop and I walked in there and I was deathly ill.
01:52:15.000 And I said, what are you selling all the time that works for immunity?
01:52:19.000 And I stuff flying off the shelf.
01:52:20.000 What is it? 0.99
01:52:21.000 And he took me to a thing called Sambucol, black elderberry shit that you drink and there's pills for it. 0.98
01:52:27.000 I would take that on a regular basis whenever I get sick. 0.99
01:52:29.000 Cleaned right off.
01:52:30.000 I mean, it really does work. 0.98
01:52:32.000 There are definitely probiotics, and what they do is they attack all the negative shit in your body, all the unhealthy bacteria. 0.93
01:52:38.000 It's like you're keeping healthy troops on hand. 0.82
01:52:41.000 Acidophilus is a big one.
01:52:42.000 I hadn't taken acidophilus in forever.
01:52:44.000 The reason why is because I was drinking this kombucha all the time.
01:52:46.000 I was like, I don't need to supplement with acidophilus.
01:52:48.000 I'm getting plenty of probiotics from this.
01:52:50.000 So then once this stuff went bad, I started taking acidophilus again.
01:52:54.000 Now I take acidophilus every day.
01:52:56.000 That's in milk?
01:52:57.000 Yeah, it's a milk culture.
01:52:58.000 Yogurt.
01:52:59.000 You can buy it in pills.
01:53:00.000 You can buy it on live form.
01:53:01.000 You have to keep it refrigerated.
01:53:03.000 You know, but it's, you know...
01:53:06.000 Especially as you get older, man.
01:53:07.000 You start being real cognizant of your health.
01:53:09.000 Yeah, I go to a gym and I've been trying to go every single day.
01:53:13.000 My resolution is holding up so far.
01:53:15.000 And even if I can just go for a little bit, I get my heart going and I stretch.
01:53:18.000 I'm just trying to keep everything in shape.
01:53:21.000 If you don't talk into the microphone, dude, your voice varies significantly.
01:53:25.000 Sorry, I'm looking at you at the same time.
01:53:27.000 No, it's alright.
01:53:27.000 Let's turn so we don't have to do that.
01:53:29.000 Because your voice is real low and then all of a sudden it's real high. 0.96
01:53:32.000 So the people on the ecliptical machine right now with their headphones in, they're like, it's fucking Al Magical. 0.91
01:53:38.000 Tell them where the mic is.
01:53:39.000 Sorry, that's not disturbing.
01:53:40.000 See where the sign is, where the words are?
01:53:43.000 Yeah.
01:53:43.000 That's the part we should talk to.
01:53:44.000 Ah, perfect.
01:53:45.000 I was on the top of it.
01:53:46.000 You were ready, dude.
01:53:48.000 You were right there.
01:53:49.000 Anyway, so you go to the gym.
01:53:53.000 Yeah, taking better care of myself. 0.99
01:53:54.000 I feel like I could, when I saw that UFC fight for the first time, I felt like I could fucking get in there and fuck somebody up. 0.97
01:53:59.000 I certainly feel like I have the mindset for it. 1.00
01:54:01.000 Like, I really feel like I could kick somebody's ass. 0.99
01:54:04.000 I used to fire people. 0.99
01:54:04.000 You know that was my job when you first met me, is that I, like, up in the air with George Clooney? 0.99
01:54:09.000 Yeah.
01:54:09.000 I used to be, I terminated over a thousand people.
01:54:13.000 Wow.
01:54:13.000 Yeah.
01:54:14.000 I was like, that was my job at my parents' family business, is that I used to be the fucking hatchet, man. 1.00
01:54:19.000 Wow, you got some Negative karma shit going on. 0.99
01:54:21.000 Well, no, they deserved it for the most part. 0.99
01:54:23.000 But sometimes it's an unfortunate time.
01:54:26.000 It's like a privilege to be working and having somebody pay you. 0.98
01:54:30.000 If you had a fucking employee and you didn't have the money anymore, there's nothing else we can do. 0.99
01:54:34.000 There's a bunch of different ways of looking at this economy being all fucked up. 0.99
01:54:37.000 And I see some people who are very pragmatic look at it like, hey, you know what, these jobs... 0.90
01:54:41.000 These jobs that these people are losing, these jobs weren't important in the first place. 0.94
01:54:44.000 These motherfuckers, you know, we lost all our jobs overseas, and what we need to do is strengthen our economy, and this is just a symptom of a bigger evil. 0.98
01:54:51.000 I see that on an individual, one-on-one basis, man. 1.00
01:54:54.000 Whenever I think about these people that are going broke, and people that are losing their houses, and people that don't know what to do, especially if I think that they're dumb, And that their occupation options are limited and then they have children and shit too. 1.00
01:55:05.000 It's like, fuck, man. 1.00
01:55:06.000 These poor fucks were led to believe that this whole thing, that this ship was going to sail. 1.00
01:55:11.000 It's going to be fine. 0.99
01:55:12.000 Well, also it's what you were talking about with stand-up.
01:55:14.000 If you just decide to check out and work and you reach a $30,000 job and you say, this is it.
01:55:20.000 This is all I need.
01:55:21.000 Right. 1.00
01:55:21.000 My father-in-law did that shit. 1.00
01:55:22.000 He's the type of guy who would go and sit in a big recliner and get like a thirsty two-ouncer and just fucking sit there and watch TV. No aspirations to do anything. 1.00
01:55:30.000 And he plays golf, but people are fucking like that. 1.00
01:55:33.000 There's a lot of people like that. 1.00
01:55:34.000 A lot of people like that.
01:55:35.000 You just become complacent.
01:55:37.000 You're like, this is good right here.
01:55:38.000 I don't know if it's bad.
01:55:39.000 I think there's a machine going on, man. 0.99
01:55:41.000 I think we're all little pieces of this fucking giant machine. 0.97
01:55:44.000 And I think you can look at it like what you're doing is very important and that what you're doing has meaning to it. 0.98
01:55:50.000 But really it has meaning to you and has meaning to the people who like it.
01:55:53.000 But what is its place in the overall grand scheme?
01:55:56.000 I don't know, man.
01:55:58.000 These people sitting there with drinks, they might be onto something.
01:56:01.000 They might be onto something.
01:56:03.000 The guy who was the bouncer.
01:56:04.000 Just sat there with the power and no job.
01:56:07.000 That guy was not onto something.
01:56:08.000 I don't believe that. 0.99
01:56:10.000 I think that guy needs to get a real fucking job. 1.00
01:56:13.000 A 40-year-old super genius. 0.99
01:56:14.000 Yeah, we need all the super geniuses. 1.00
01:56:16.000 Telling people not to puke on his shoes.
01:56:18.000 Yeah, working on good projects.
01:56:19.000 Yeah, no hats! 1.00
01:56:21.000 Fuck! 1.00
01:56:22.000 Aren't you a super genius? 1.00
01:56:23.000 Yeah, no hats.
01:56:24.000 Yeah, no hats.
01:56:25.000 My favorite is, like, they tell you how to wear your hat.
01:56:27.000 Like, no hats backwards.
01:56:28.000 Like, I like wearing hats backwards.
01:56:30.000 That's how I wear hats.
01:56:31.000 Especially because when I play pool, I can see the balls better. 0.99
01:56:33.000 I don't want a big fucking floppy bill. 0.98
01:56:35.000 But I went into a pool hall once and the guy's like, you gotta turn your cap around. 0.98
01:56:38.000 Like, what?
01:56:39.000 You gotta turn my hat around?
01:56:41.000 Like, really?
01:56:42.000 That's your rule?
01:56:43.000 That's sloppy.
01:56:43.000 And hat around in front ways.
01:56:45.000 Oh, that's fucking so much better. 0.97
01:56:47.000 I look like a Ken member. 0.99
01:56:48.000 Yeah.
01:56:49.000 Especially when you wear it up high a little bit.
01:56:52.000 Oh, the other thing was no wallet chains.
01:56:53.000 Couldn't have wallet chains either.
01:56:54.000 I had to put my wallet chain in my pocket.
01:56:57.000 Choke out.
01:56:58.000 Gotham Comedy Club, remember that?
01:57:00.000 Did they have no wallet chains?
01:57:00.000 No, no hats allowed at Gotham Comedy Club.
01:57:03.000 I'm like, this is a comedy club.
01:57:05.000 And they were still getting it on me while you were filming there.
01:57:07.000 And I'm like, no, I'm with Joe.
01:57:09.000 And they still were like, can you take it off?
01:57:11.000 Wow.
01:57:12.000 Come on. 0.99
01:57:13.000 That's so silly. 0.99
01:57:14.000 What looks worse, a hat or a hat head? 0.99
01:57:17.000 Definitely a hat head.
01:57:18.000 Well, who's getting offended by hats? 0.98
01:57:20.000 I mean, it's one thing if you're wearing some crazy fucking Phyllis Dillard thing with feathers and no one can see behind you. 0.99
01:57:26.000 Fucking Charlie Chaplin was the last person to be offended by a hat. 0.99
01:57:29.000 Or somebody back in the day where they'd take off hats every time they eat. 0.99
01:57:32.000 Sure it is.
01:57:33.000 It's sort of a Three Stooges.
01:57:35.000 They invade the rich people's party.
01:57:37.000 Another one of my favorites is when you go somewhere and they say, your shirt has to have a collar.
01:57:41.000 Yeah.
01:57:42.000 We talked about that before in the podcast.
01:57:44.000 Or it's like in a lot of parks in LA, a big sign says, no soccer, no parties.
01:57:52.000 And no soccer, no parties.
01:57:54.000 Why not just say, no Mexicans? 1.00
01:57:56.000 Yeah. 0.96
01:57:58.000 Please, Mexicans elsewhere. 1.00
01:57:59.000 No soccer.
01:58:00.000 Why would you not want soccer?
01:58:03.000 I guess people are trying to have picnics.
01:58:05.000 Right.
01:58:05.000 Can you play football?
01:58:07.000 If you're white, I think you can sort of do things. 0.77
01:58:10.000 Do whatever you want.
01:58:10.000 But if a Latino soccer game breaks out, which they've been known to in Los Angeles...
01:58:14.000 They stop it.
01:58:15.000 They stop it.
01:58:15.000 No, thank you.
01:58:16.000 That's hilarious, man. 1.00
01:58:17.000 It's a fucking park. 1.00
01:58:18.000 Are they thinking that they dominate the park and they make it unsafe for whites? 1.00
01:58:21.000 No.
01:58:21.000 I have no idea.
01:58:22.000 They just live there.
01:58:24.000 I know.
01:58:25.000 I don't get it.
01:58:25.000 What's wrong with it?
01:58:26.000 The old white guy is at the top of that. 0.84
01:58:27.000 He's making that decision.
01:58:28.000 Is that what that is?
01:58:28.000 That's got to be.
01:58:30.000 Trying to bring it back to the way it was in the 50s.
01:58:33.000 Sure.
01:58:33.000 No Latino park disturbance.
01:58:35.000 I watched a Mad Men where they're at a park and they take their big blanket and they just dump the thing and shake out the blanket and all the garbage just goes everywhere and then they just walk away. 1.00
01:58:48.000 That's how they used to do this shit. 0.99
01:58:49.000 Just litter. 1.00
01:58:50.000 And our public parks were just completely...
01:58:53.000 You were talking about earlier with the water supply.
01:58:55.000 Yeah.
01:58:56.000 That's how people used to rock it? 0.99
01:58:57.000 Just fucking throw a Coke out the window. 0.99
01:59:00.000 Out the window. 0.99
01:59:00.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:59:01.000 People still do that all the time with cigarettes.
01:59:03.000 Do you do that, Brian?
01:59:04.000 Please say you don't.
01:59:04.000 No, no.
01:59:05.000 I knock the cherry off into a...
01:59:09.000 Usually I have like a can in my car.
01:59:12.000 And then I just...
01:59:13.000 I've seen people throw Burger King bags out the window.
01:59:16.000 I honked.
01:59:17.000 I don't know why I honked. 0.97
01:59:20.000 I just fucking honked. 1.00
01:59:21.000 Like, hey, that's fucked up. 0.99
01:59:22.000 And a big hand came out and just went... 0.99
01:59:24.000 Yeah, of course. 0.99
01:59:26.000 Yeah, there's a lot of cunts out there. 1.00
01:59:28.000 We're four Samoan teenagers. 0.99
01:59:29.000 You know what I see a lot, man? 1.00
01:59:31.000 I see fucking Priuses. 1.00
01:59:33.000 Those Toyota Priuses. 1.00
01:59:34.000 And then I see the person driving the Prius flick a cigarette out the window. 1.00
01:59:37.000 I see that shit all the time. 1.00
01:59:40.000 Save the earth! 1.00
01:59:41.000 I mark it down.
01:59:43.000 I see it so many times I mark it down.
01:59:45.000 I've seen it seven times.
01:59:47.000 Wow.
01:59:47.000 Seven times over the past three years that I've been looking for it.
01:59:50.000 You know, it's definitely something that That people do in other states all the time.
01:59:56.000 And then in California, they don't do it.
01:59:58.000 Yeah.
01:59:59.000 People do it less here.
02:00:00.000 Littering quite a bit in the Midwest.
02:00:02.000 Oh, yeah.
02:00:02.000 You don't even think about it in Ohio.
02:00:03.000 That's just what everyone does.
02:00:05.000 Like, I didn't get it until when I first moved out here and you got mad at me because I flicked my cigarette on the ground and you got mad at me.
02:00:11.000 I'm like, what?
02:00:11.000 It's just a cigarette.
02:00:12.000 And then you were like, pick that up, Brian, blah, blah.
02:00:14.000 I'm like...
02:00:15.000 Never heard anyone tell me to pick up a cigarette.
02:00:17.000 There's a lot of people in this.
02:00:18.000 Where do you think the cigarettes are going?
02:00:20.000 There's a lot of people burning trash in their backyard as well. 0.99
02:00:23.000 Like, that shit's happening. 0.99
02:00:25.000 That's happening, I mean, I'm sure people are listening where that's commonly done or you have... 1.00
02:00:29.000 Alright, all this douchey behavior.
02:00:31.000 How do you stop it? 0.99
02:00:32.000 What the fuck do you do to change people? 0.97
02:00:34.000 What do you do to turn people around? 0.99
02:00:36.000 What do you do?
02:00:37.000 You just gotta just concentrate on yourself.
02:00:40.000 I mean, you could volunteer or something and try to help.
02:00:42.000 I mean, you could go the extra step. 0.99
02:00:44.000 I mean, if you can't control your own shit, first of all, like, my wife is recycling, like, everything. 1.00
02:00:49.000 I get yelled at for not putting something in the fucking recycling. 1.00
02:00:51.000 Mine does too, yeah. 0.99
02:00:52.000 Okay.
02:00:52.000 But meanwhile, some Chinese guy down the block is burning a tire.
02:00:56.000 You know? 1.00
02:00:56.000 It's fucking... 1.00
02:00:57.000 What the fuck? 1.00
02:00:58.000 I mean, how am I supposed to, like, really care that much to get separated out? 1.00
02:01:02.000 The homeless people are coming by, too, in my neighborhood and rooting through everything.
02:01:05.000 Really?
02:01:05.000 They're, like, sorting it.
02:01:06.000 It'll get sorted out eventually. 1.00
02:01:08.000 Shit. 1.00
02:01:09.000 So, like, anyway. 1.00
02:01:10.000 But how are you supposed to care?
02:01:12.000 You can only worry about yourself.
02:01:13.000 And that's the same thing with stand-up.
02:01:14.000 And, like, that's what we've been talking about the entire time.
02:01:16.000 Right.
02:01:17.000 But as a whole, if you looked at the human race or looked at just the human race in America, you know, the ones that we understand, the culture that we understand.
02:01:25.000 Sure. 0.97
02:01:25.000 How the fuck do you fix it? 0.97
02:01:26.000 How do you fix this culture? 0.99
02:01:28.000 Is everyone getting organized?
02:01:30.000 One common goal of living in harmony and in a safe and clean environment? 0.96
02:01:35.000 There'd be no crime and shit like that? 0.99
02:01:36.000 That guy throwing Burger King bags out his window and giving you the finger. 0.72
02:01:39.000 How do you connect to that guy? 1.00
02:01:40.000 We're fucked. 1.00
02:01:41.000 I don't think there's any way to connect to that guy. 0.99
02:01:44.000 Because that guy maybe was brought up in a house where he was a homeless kid and didn't have anything. 1.00
02:01:49.000 He's got this horrible fucking life. 1.00
02:01:51.000 What if he's just a douchebag? 1.00
02:01:53.000 Just a fat douchebag and his dad's a fat douchebag? 1.00
02:01:55.000 Look, I've got all kinds of things. 1.00
02:01:56.000 Like, when I see people on pay phones, I'm like, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a fucking cell phone. 0.99
02:02:03.000 Well, if you're broke. 0.98
02:02:04.000 No, I'm just talking about, like, there's, I mean, they're giving them away.
02:02:07.000 And, like, if you're broke and you're on a pay phone, it's used for something illegal. 1.00
02:02:12.000 Tap every single fucking one of those and just arrest those fucking people. 1.00
02:02:16.000 Seriously. 1.00
02:02:16.000 That's funny. 1.00
02:02:17.000 That could easily just be broke people, dude.
02:02:19.000 Or someone who loses their phone.
02:02:20.000 40 ounce?
02:02:21.000 You sound like an elitist.
02:02:23.000 A 40 ounce?
02:02:24.000 Nothing good has ever come from it.
02:02:25.000 They're great.
02:02:26.000 If you want to watch Superfly and review it, they're the best thing to drink.
02:02:30.000 I did that once with a buddy of mine.
02:02:31.000 We watched...
02:02:32.000 Country Club.
02:02:32.000 What is that?
02:02:33.000 Country Club is another one.
02:02:35.000 What is it?
02:02:35.000 It's another malt liquor.
02:02:36.000 Oh, is it?
02:02:37.000 Yeah.
02:02:37.000 We had Old English and there was another one.
02:02:41.000 Fuck. 0.99
02:02:42.000 I forget what it was. 0.99
02:02:43.000 But there's a bunch of those that are only, they're really marketed, something King Cobra, I think it was, marketed for the black community, like straight up.
02:02:51.000 You know, the smooth taste, it goes down easy.
02:02:53.000 Like even the way it's written, like the ads are written.
02:02:56.000 It's just like, just straight to the African American community. 0.99
02:03:00.000 And when you start drinking that stuff, those are so strong We are so strong, and you don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:03:05.000 You drink that shit, you don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:03:08.000 I used to drink Boons. 1.00
02:03:09.000 Is that what it's called?
02:03:10.000 Like Strawberry Farm Boons?
02:03:11.000 Oh, there's Night Train.
02:03:13.000 What is that?
02:03:13.000 Boons Strawberry Farm.
02:03:14.000 It's like a sweet wine.
02:03:15.000 Yeah, it was like a sweet wine that was marketed to taste really good.
02:03:19.000 Grape wine.
02:03:20.000 Like grape juice. 0.99
02:03:20.000 Yeah, grape juice for black people. 0.99
02:03:22.000 Purple drink. 0.96
02:03:22.000 It really is, yeah. 0.96
02:03:24.000 Yeah, how do you fix that? 0.98
02:03:26.000 Well, there's also Cisco and all that shit. 0.99
02:03:28.000 I mean, just really high alcohol content. 0.99
02:03:31.000 Well, you know that Loco, Four Loco? 0.68
02:03:33.000 Do you hear about that one?
02:03:34.000 I had it on New Year's.
02:03:34.000 You're pulling it off the market?
02:03:35.000 Oh, yeah.
02:03:36.000 Somebody had it on New Year's at that Woolly Barsen show that I was talking about.
02:03:39.000 I took a shot of it.
02:03:40.000 I was up all night with heart palpitations. 0.74
02:03:43.000 I really felt like it was the Four Loco really fucked me up. 1.00
02:03:47.000 I've heard people died off of it. 0.56
02:03:48.000 Yeah, a couple people are. 0.63
02:03:49.000 It's a band, and somebody had a big-ass can.
02:03:53.000 They go, Al, you've got to try the Four Locos Band.
02:03:56.000 I go, I'll just take a sip of it.
02:03:58.000 You only took one sip and it jacked you. 1.00
02:04:00.000 Dude, I feel like it fucked my whole night. 1.00
02:04:02.000 I had the most surreal New Year's Sacramento punchline. 0.98
02:04:06.000 It's in a strip mall next to a sleep train.
02:04:09.000 And I was at the...
02:04:11.000 How about Arden Mall?
02:04:12.000 It's in a strip mall.
02:04:13.000 It is at Barber College.
02:04:15.000 You've been to that place, haven't you?
02:04:16.000 A cell phone store.
02:04:18.000 A mattress store.
02:04:19.000 It's just in a strip mall.
02:04:20.000 Yeah.
02:04:21.000 It's upstairs, big mattress store.
02:04:23.000 Right, right, right.
02:04:23.000 All kinds of weird shops.
02:04:24.000 Red Lobster next to a Tony Roma's, next to an Outback.
02:04:27.000 Right.
02:04:27.000 Like, just nothing.
02:04:28.000 Right.
02:04:29.000 And I'm in there on New Year's, and people had paid $50 a ticket to go to this New Year's show.
02:04:34.000 And it was a good show. 0.98
02:04:35.000 I mean, I didn't get up there and half-ass fucking $50 a ticket. 0.99
02:04:40.000 But... 0.99
02:04:41.000 It was weird. 1.00
02:04:42.000 I mean, spending your New Year's in a fucking strip mall, dancing. 0.99
02:04:46.000 Some guy wore Dom Perignon at a strip mall, and he's trying to show off in front of his girlfriend, and a fight broke out because somebody spilled it. 1.00
02:04:53.000 Wow.
02:04:54.000 Oh, really?
02:04:54.000 It was a whole weird, and I was filming the whole thing.
02:04:57.000 I was filming this old lady.
02:04:58.000 On your flip?
02:04:59.000 I really was on my flip.
02:05:00.000 I'm going to add the video.
02:05:01.000 I'll make sure I put that on Twitter as well.
02:05:04.000 People came up to me and was like, are you filming our mom?
02:05:07.000 I go, no, I'm not filming her.
02:05:08.000 I sort of was filming their mom.
02:05:10.000 Right.
02:05:10.000 Not really.
02:05:11.000 You couldn't make out who it was in my flip camera.
02:05:13.000 Right. 0.91
02:05:13.000 And then the kid who's the son of the mom who was dancing, who was dancing really fucking funny with this young Latino kid and she was old and this Latino kid was just dry humping her on the dance floor. 0.91
02:05:23.000 So I'm like, this is my New Year's. 0.99
02:05:25.000 You know, what a horrible fucking New Year's. 1.00
02:05:28.000 And they came up and the guy says, I've been looking for an excuse to kick your ass the whole night. 1.00
02:05:33.000 Oh. 1.00
02:05:34.000 I go, why?
02:05:35.000 Where'd that come from? 0.97
02:05:36.000 I haven't fucking done anything. 0.99
02:05:38.000 Like, it was a horrible fucking New Year's. 0.98
02:05:41.000 Sounds better in the mind, though. 0.99
02:05:44.000 At least you were outside of the house.
02:05:45.000 Stayed in?
02:05:47.000 Brian had a fight with his girl on New Year's, man.
02:05:49.000 Yeah, my girl left me.
02:05:51.000 His girl left him on New Year's, man.
02:05:53.000 That same girl we were talking about?
02:05:55.000 Not only does girl leave my New Year's. 0.96
02:05:56.000 Trashy vixen. 0.78
02:05:58.000 It's a long story. 0.88
02:06:00.000 That's not cool.
02:06:01.000 We'll have to play that Prince song again.
02:06:04.000 Trust me, it's probably the best this time around.
02:06:06.000 Last time she broke up with him, we had to play the Prince song.
02:06:08.000 I got a broken heart again.
02:06:10.000 I got a broken heart again.
02:06:14.000 Do you really feel bad about it?
02:06:15.000 No, I don't feel bad at all.
02:06:15.000 You know what it's like, man?
02:06:17.000 This is what I described it.
02:06:18.000 It's the same way I describe people who are douching you on the internet, that it's like a little bit of snake venom.
02:06:22.000 A little bit of snake venom gets you immune to snake venom. 0.99
02:06:25.000 So that snake, after it bites you three or four times, after a while, you're like, hey, get the fuck out of here. 0.99
02:06:29.000 You're not poisoning me anymore. 0.98
02:06:31.000 She was one of those relationships where like we would break up and then, you know, something happened and then I would take her back just because I know how broken she is.
02:06:39.000 And then this third time was just like so quick and fast.
02:06:43.000 Like we started dating again.
02:06:45.000 Next thing I know, she's almost moved in.
02:06:46.000 She's talking about getting married.
02:06:47.000 And like this is like in two weeks.
02:06:49.000 And she just got out of a relationship where this guy like cheated on her or something like that.
02:06:54.000 And it was the most intense zero to 60 in two weeks.
02:06:59.000 And then one day, just out of nowhere, she just started going crazy, picking fights with me out of nowhere. 0.99
02:07:03.000 I'm like, what the fuck is going on? 0.98
02:07:05.000 Next thing I know, next day, she's tweeting her ex-boyfriend, like, pictures together, like... 1.00
02:07:12.000 What the fuck is going on? 1.00
02:07:14.000 And I keep on finding all this shit she left at my house. 1.00
02:07:17.000 And one of the things is, she had a memory card in my camera that she must have used in my camera. 0.98
02:07:21.000 And the funniest thing is, pictures of her and this guy, and then the next day, pictures of me and her.
02:07:28.000 It's like your life.
02:07:29.000 Doing the exact same poses.
02:07:31.000 Like arms around each other.
02:07:33.000 That's hilarious.
02:07:34.000 And it was like two days.
02:07:35.000 It was actually two days.
02:07:36.000 It's like you're photoshopped in over that other guy.
02:07:38.000 It doesn't matter.
02:07:39.000 Well, you know what it is?
02:07:40.000 And this is how I describe it to you.
02:07:42.000 There's some people that are addicted to that charge of an initial relationship when someone is just in love with you.
02:07:49.000 Right. 0.85
02:07:49.000 You know, when you meet someone, man, and you fucking really click, and you're hanging out, and you're fucking like four or five times a day, and you're just kissing all the time, and you can't wait to see him, that's like an intense fucking, you know, intense romantic thing. 0.85
02:08:03.000 And then... 0.96
02:08:04.000 I got married.
02:08:04.000 Yeah, it works that way sometimes.
02:08:06.000 Yeah.
02:08:07.000 And then when you're in a situation where, let's be quite honest about this, the girl perhaps might be a bit above you on the food chain.
02:08:13.000 Right.
02:08:14.000 Not a lot, but a bit, right?
02:08:15.000 Happens.
02:08:15.000 Well, then you're stepping on eggshells because you're afraid of offending her because you're in a situation where you're like, Jesus, I don't want to fuck this up.
02:08:22.000 This is the greatest thing of all time.
02:08:24.000 This is so perfect.
02:08:24.000 She's got the perfect body.
02:08:27.000 I'm telling all my friends, dude, look at this picture. 1.00
02:08:28.000 Can you believe I'm fucking this? 1.00
02:08:29.000 This is insane. 1.00
02:08:30.000 And so then, you know, they get addicted to that really intense part of the relationship where you're just enamored by them.
02:08:37.000 And then as time goes on, you get comfortable with each other, and then she becomes your girlfriend.
02:08:42.000 And when she becomes your girlfriend...
02:08:43.000 Then you just kind of like lackadaisical around each other. 0.99
02:08:46.000 You don't care if your hair is fucked up. 0.99
02:08:47.000 You don't care if your breath smells. 1.00
02:08:49.000 Pee with the door open. 1.00
02:08:51.000 Yeah, you don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:08:52.000 Hotbox each other. 1.00
02:08:52.000 And she doesn't give a fuck either. 1.00
02:08:54.000 And so it becomes some weird thing where you just get real comfortable with each other and you don't fuck as much. 1.00
02:09:00.000 And then some other guy comes along and that other guy shows the same potential for being the guy that's so in love with you and this is it. 0.96
02:09:07.000 It's supposed to be about us.
02:09:08.000 We've had some problems in the past. 0.99
02:09:09.000 We're going to fucking stick together forever till death. 0.99
02:09:12.000 We're going to have babies. 1.00
02:09:13.000 Yes! 0.99
02:09:14.000 And then the rage is on again and it's just this mad fucking crazy dash from one person to the next who can provide the next charge, the next beginning of the relationship, thunderous, orgasmic type of interaction. 0.98
02:09:28.000 And it sucks because I've gotten to the age where I totally know that, you know? 0.97
02:09:32.000 And so I am like, this person gets hurt, and I'm like, you know, I want you to know.
02:09:37.000 I can tell you what happened to our relationship.
02:09:39.000 And, you know, we can really work this together. 1.00
02:09:42.000 And I'll do the stupid take girl back. 1.00
02:09:45.000 I need to, I don't know, I just need to stop. 1.00
02:09:47.000 No, you know what, man, listen.
02:09:48.000 I need to stop dating girls and start dating guys. 1.00
02:09:51.000 How old are you now?
02:09:53.000 Oh, that's it. 0.99
02:09:54.000 You know, like all the shit that's at my house and I'm like, oh, wow, a sock, a bra. 0.98
02:09:58.000 And I'm like, I need to date guys because then they can leave things like, oh, Gillette Censorblades, Razor, you know, like a video game. 0.99
02:10:04.000 Oh, he left me a video game. 1.00
02:10:05.000 I hate the shit that girls leave over past relationships. 1.00
02:10:08.000 How old are you? 1.00
02:10:10.000 Oh, that's good.
02:10:11.000 How old are you?
02:10:12.000 39. Oh.
02:10:13.000 See, I thought you were way younger than me. 0.97
02:10:16.000 I think, you know, look, it's hard to find someone that you fucking jive with all the time. 0.95
02:10:22.000 Sure. 0.81
02:10:22.000 And sometimes people can keep it together for long stretches where they really are the perfect girlfriend. 0.81
02:10:26.000 For like two weeks, this crazy bitch really is the perfect girlfriend. 1.00
02:10:29.000 She's a lot of fun. 1.00
02:10:30.000 She wants to cook. 1.00
02:10:31.000 She's hilarious.
02:10:32.000 She cracks jokes.
02:10:33.000 I look forward to seeing her. 1.00
02:10:34.000 And then after that two weeks, the fucking crazy comes out. 0.98
02:10:37.000 And after the two weeks, it's what am I going to do for a living? 0.98
02:10:39.000 And what am I going to do for this?
02:10:40.000 And what happens when I get old?
02:10:42.000 And what am I going to do when I'm 50?
02:10:44.000 Sure. 0.56
02:10:49.000 I want to date a blind deaf girl. 1.00
02:10:50.000 No.
02:10:51.000 But you gotta date, dude.
02:10:52.000 Ready for this?
02:10:53.000 You gotta date civilians. 0.97
02:10:55.000 You gotta date civilians. 0.97
02:10:56.000 Absolutely.
02:10:57.000 My wife's a first grade teacher.
02:10:58.000 Bingo.
02:10:59.000 Perfect.
02:10:59.000 Civilian.
02:11:00.000 Listen, you're a creative weirdo, okay? 1.00
02:11:03.000 And if you're dating another creative weirdo, she's gonna be just as fucked up as you are, but in a way you can't understand because she's gonna be a woman. 0.98
02:11:10.000 That's what the hardest part about living in California, though, is because 90% of the population is out here to be in the same entertainment industry. 0.99
02:11:17.000 It's true.
02:11:18.000 There's a lot of regular nights.
02:11:19.000 I know some of my wife's teacher friends that are very single and available.
02:11:25.000 They're tainted.
02:11:26.000 They're tainted.
02:11:26.000 They're out here.
02:11:27.000 Listen, they know Al Magical. 0.99
02:11:28.000 He's probably fucked them all on the side. 0.99
02:11:29.000 Are we going to Texas anytime soon, Joe? 1.00
02:11:31.000 Dude, you've got to move to Colorado with me.
02:11:33.000 I'm moving back.
02:11:34.000 Are you really?
02:11:34.000 I want my kids to be raised in Colorado.
02:11:37.000 Texas.
02:11:38.000 I don't want my kids to be raised in California.
02:11:40.000 I think this place is just, it hums at too high a frequency.
02:11:42.000 Are you in a nice area?
02:11:44.000 Yeah, that's true.
02:11:45.000 And I want to go further out.
02:11:46.000 I want to live on a ranch, dude.
02:11:47.000 I like living in the woods.
02:11:49.000 That's where I live.
02:11:49.000 I want to live by a lake in the woods.
02:11:51.000 I like to be around nature. 1.00
02:11:53.000 I want to see deer that if shit goes bad, I can shoot those bitches and eat them. 1.00
02:11:57.000 That exists. 1.00
02:11:57.000 Why don't you go out to Palm Springs or into... 1.00
02:11:59.000 That's a desert, man.
02:12:00.000 You know what's out there? 1.00
02:12:01.000 Meth and gay people. 1.00
02:12:02.000 What about Arrowhead? 1.00
02:12:04.000 That's good.
02:12:05.000 That's a move.
02:12:06.000 That's a possibility.
02:12:06.000 I know a lot of people have to Arrowhead places, and you can get here quick, too.
02:12:10.000 Yeah, two hours.
02:12:11.000 I might look at getting maybe a vacation house someday in Arrowhead. 1.00
02:12:15.000 That would be the shit. 0.99
02:12:16.000 I just like living in the woods, man. 1.00
02:12:19.000 I loved living in Boulder. 0.98
02:12:21.000 I loved the idea that I would see, like, fucking deer every day driving home, that there was eagles flying overhead, that the sky was crystal. 1.00
02:12:28.000 But those same deers that you see every day is going to jump in front of your car, and you're going to be like, fuck deers. 1.00
02:12:32.000 Yeah, but you know what? 1.00
02:12:33.000 Just get a big-ass bumper, and you're good.
02:12:35.000 Yeah.
02:12:36.000 What about your wife?
02:12:36.000 I didn't even drive my car.
02:12:37.000 Yeah, that's the problem. 0.98
02:12:39.000 Mrs. Rogan's not so fucking good at driving in snow. 1.00
02:12:41.000 Yeah, well, why even move somewhere where there's snow? 0.99
02:12:43.000 That's why you should go to Texas.
02:12:44.000 But also, if you go on the road and you sort of strand her out there in this cabin.
02:12:47.000 Right.
02:12:47.000 Well, that was part of the issue.
02:12:49.000 And then our dog got eaten by a mountain lion. 1.00
02:12:51.000 That's fucked up. 0.99
02:12:51.000 The real thing that sent us home, though, was that we were 8,500 feet above sea level and she got pregnant. 0.99
02:12:56.000 And when you're that high above sea level, if your body's...
02:12:58.000 Even if you're living there your whole life, the kid's still going to have to go on oxygen.
02:13:02.000 No more kids, Joe?
02:13:03.000 It's scary.
02:13:03.000 No more kids?
02:13:04.000 You stopping off at two?
02:13:05.000 No. 0.97
02:13:05.000 My loads are still fucking devastatingly good. 0.97
02:13:08.000 I'm ready. 1.00
02:13:09.000 I'll shoot another one in there. 1.00
02:13:10.000 It's hard, man. 0.97
02:13:11.000 Just taking care of two little babies at the same time, you know, one two and a half and one nine months old or seven months old, it's tricky.
02:13:17.000 So cute, though.
02:13:19.000 It's the greatest thing in the world.
02:13:20.000 I always tell people that kids...
02:13:23.000 And mushrooms are very similar. 0.99
02:13:25.000 And then if you've never experienced it, if you've never had your own kid, and if you've never really done mushrooms, shut the fuck up. 0.99
02:13:30.000 You really don't know. 0.99
02:13:31.000 I used to talk about kids.
02:13:32.000 I didn't understand what it was until you have a kid.
02:13:35.000 And the other thing that you understand is that...
02:13:37.000 Stop doing that.
02:13:38.000 Whatever you're doing.
02:13:39.000 Coil.
02:13:40.000 The other thing that you realize when you have a kid is that you change and you hit some weird new next level of evolution where there's so much more at stake now.
02:13:49.000 You become a more serious person.
02:13:52.000 It's really weird.
02:13:53.000 I feel like a real man, too.
02:13:54.000 I feel like a man, exactly. 0.92
02:13:55.000 I mean, I'm still very silly. 1.00
02:13:57.000 I obviously make a living talking shit. 1.00
02:13:58.000 Sure, sure, sure, sure. 0.99
02:13:59.000 And I still smoke a lot of weed, which is also a weird thing with a lot of people.
02:14:03.000 They think for some reason or another you're not supposed to smoke weed.
02:14:07.000 You know, that like smoking weed when you're a father like sets some sort of a weird example or that it's a bad thing.
02:14:12.000 But, you know, I'll go, well, how come I can go to a restaurant and order a beer and nobody even blinks?
02:14:16.000 You know, that's fine.
02:14:17.000 Nobody says a word about that.
02:14:18.000 I go and get some wine, you know, with dinner.
02:14:21.000 Nobody looks at me.
02:14:22.000 They ask me if I want it.
02:14:24.000 If I said, no, but you guys got a place where I can hit this joint? 1.00
02:14:27.000 They'd be like, whoa, what the fuck? 1.00
02:14:29.000 Your children are here. 1.00
02:14:30.000 Either way, if you're too big, though, if you get too drunk, say you just get wasted, or some guy's just fucking crushing it and unable to operate. 0.97
02:14:38.000 If I get too high, I can't function. 0.95
02:14:42.000 And also, I'm really bad with booze, too. 0.99
02:14:44.000 Two drinks, I'm fucking tipsy. 0.99
02:14:46.000 Are you serious? 0.99
02:14:46.000 I'm drunk. 0.99
02:14:48.000 That's good to know in the future. 0.86
02:14:49.000 You're a lightweight.
02:14:50.000 You're a cheap date. 0.64
02:14:51.000 No, no, I am a lightweight.
02:14:53.000 Well, no, I definitely don't...
02:14:54.000 I don't think you should be drunk or high around your kids.
02:14:57.000 That's not what I'm saying.
02:14:57.000 But I'm saying, like, I'm not gonna change, like, who I am.
02:15:01.000 You know? 0.98
02:15:01.000 I don't have to, like, become this fucking straight-edge person just because all of a sudden I have children. 0.98
02:15:06.000 If I thought there was something wrong with smoking pot, I would have stopped doing it because I think it's bad for you. 0.95
02:15:11.000 If it was detrimental to my health or to my mental well-being or something, if I thought it was an issue that I needed to deal with, I would deal with it as an issue.
02:15:19.000 But I don't think there's an issue.
02:15:21.000 I think it's beneficial.
02:15:22.000 I think it helps my personality.
02:15:24.000 It helps me enjoy life.
02:15:26.000 It helps me write like crazy.
02:15:28.000 It is like steroids for writing.
02:15:30.000 When I get high and I write, I just strap in.
02:15:34.000 And ride this wave that I connect to.
02:15:37.000 I get high and I go into the isolation tank and I rethink my whole life and I come up with new strategies and new ways of behaving and I have a new appreciation for everything and a new respect and love for my friends and my family.
02:15:51.000 I wind up calling people that I haven't talked to in months just getting out of the tank.
02:15:55.000 Dude, I just want to tell you, man.
02:15:57.000 We don't hang out, but I love you, man.
02:15:59.000 We're friends.
02:15:59.000 I get these crazy conversations.
02:16:01.000 I just want to make sure I say all these things that I need to say.
02:16:04.000 It reinvigorates me.
02:16:06.000 But also being a dad helps that.
02:16:08.000 That does too.
02:16:10.000 The combination of the two things, people don't realize that that's there, is that You do feel like taking a step back and not taking things so seriously.
02:16:18.000 Even though I still get fired up, I keep everything in perspective pretty well, too. 0.99
02:16:22.000 I mean, I'm not making too many fucking stupid decisions over here. 0.99
02:16:25.000 Yeah, you get more in tune with love. 1.00
02:16:28.000 And that sounds fucking very gay. 1.00
02:16:31.000 Super gay. 1.00
02:16:31.000 But it is what it is, man. 1.00
02:16:33.000 It's like you get more in tune with love.
02:16:34.000 And honestly, that's what weed is all about, too.
02:16:37.000 Weed is about getting you in tune with love.
02:16:40.000 Getting you in tune with happiness.
02:16:41.000 Weed is a happy drug.
02:16:42.000 It's about...
02:16:43.000 Friendships and hugs and having a good time and laughing and giggling together.
02:16:48.000 It's not a bad drug.
02:16:50.000 It's an entheogen.
02:16:51.000 And that's what people have to understand. 1.00
02:16:53.000 Everything is lumped together in this one big stupid group called drugs. 1.00
02:16:56.000 And included are caffeine and alcohol and then dangerous shit like heroin and fucking, you know, and meth and all those are drugs. 1.00
02:17:04.000 But there's also drugs that literally change the way your fucking mind works. 1.00
02:17:08.000 And in a good way. 0.99
02:17:09.000 And they're here to make you like more humble, make you feel better. 0.99
02:17:12.000 And the reason why people have bad trips is because there's a lot of shit about your life that's douchey, man. 0.99
02:17:17.000 You need to clean that shit up. 1.00
02:17:19.000 You know, why are you paranoid? 0.99
02:17:20.000 Why are you freaking out?
02:17:20.000 Well, you should be freaking out.
02:17:22.000 That's why people do a lot of drugs in college, too, when you're younger and you don't have as much responsibility. 0.99
02:17:27.000 But, I mean, more and more responsibility you have, and then when you do drugs, you start thinking about all that shit. 0.97
02:17:33.000 That's why people tend to freak out. 0.52
02:17:35.000 But if you're just more a carefree person in the first place, and the college is a perfect example, because you really don't have too many responsibilities.
02:17:41.000 You can go home by yourself for the first time and not have anybody scrutinize you once you get there.
02:17:47.000 And so it's an opportunity, no real bills to fucking pay if somebody's taking care of that. 0.97
02:17:53.000 So less responsibility and you can't just fucking let go completely. 1.00
02:17:57.000 But more and more shit that you've got going on, like a daughter. 1.00
02:17:59.000 And we talked about the porn thing with the daughter. 1.00
02:18:01.000 You just sort of put, you have more shit built up. 0.99
02:18:05.000 The thing about porn is, you know, I don't want to say why anybody gets into porn because I don't know. 0.99
02:18:09.000 I'm not a girl. 0.99
02:18:09.000 I'm not a girl that's getting fucked on camera. 0.99
02:18:11.000 I don't understand. 0.99
02:18:12.000 Maybe you really are a healthy person and it's just fun for you.
02:18:15.000 That's possible.
02:18:16.000 Dr. Drew says no.
02:18:18.000 But then again, I said, I'm not a woman.
02:18:21.000 I'm not a doctor.
02:18:22.000 I don't really understand it.
02:18:23.000 But... 0.97
02:18:24.000 I think the ones that I've come in contact with, almost all of them had some fucked up childhood. 0.97
02:18:30.000 Almost all of them. 0.95
02:18:31.000 I think it's pretty much mandatory.
02:18:32.000 Yeah.
02:18:33.000 There's no other way to do it, right?
02:18:34.000 Right.
02:18:35.000 It's like the reason why you got into it in the first place is not a healthy reason.
02:18:37.000 So it's just this massive evidence.
02:18:39.000 And even if you're the coolest person to hang out with ever, like a lot of them are, you know, a lot of them are really fun to hang out with.
02:18:45.000 You're still, you're this way because somebody was shitty to you.
02:18:49.000 That's what they were talking about. 0.79
02:18:50.000 So I always have to think about that.
02:18:51.000 Yeah, they were talking about that on that Green Room show with Paul Provenza before the one you were on. 0.52
02:18:55.000 And they were talking about how everybody's, you know, all comics, dads, you know, or some shit like that.
02:19:00.000 Like, yeah, there is some comics. 0.99
02:19:02.000 Some dad shit. 1.00
02:19:03.000 Dad shit. 1.00
02:19:03.000 Always, yeah. 1.00
02:19:04.000 Well, you don't ever become a comic or anything like that, a singer or any...
02:19:08.000 Anything where you're asking for this exorbitant amount of attention, like this really unbalanced amount of attention, to say I want to be a comedian is to say I want to be the one with a light shining on me while everyone else is in the dark with my voice amplified.
02:19:24.000 And I want to be above them.
02:19:26.000 I wonder if standing above their heads.
02:19:28.000 Never think of it like that at all.
02:19:29.000 That's what it is.
02:19:30.000 That's what it is.
02:19:32.000 You want to be above the crowd.
02:19:34.000 Nobody wants to do a show where everyone is in the balcony staring down on you and you're one level below them.
02:19:40.000 You would feel disconnected.
02:19:41.000 If you didn't have that floor filled in, you would feel disconnected. 0.95
02:19:45.000 The whole thing is a really ridiculous request.
02:19:48.000 So to want to do that for a living, you have to have some giant deficit you're trying to make up for. 1.00
02:19:52.000 Some fucking crazy hole in your childhood. 0.99
02:19:57.000 None of us really think, I don't think I have it that bad. 1.00
02:20:00.000 You don't have to have it that bad now.
02:20:04.000 And I think one of the reasons why is because you're self-healed. 0.99
02:20:06.000 When you have a family of your own and you have your own children, all of a sudden that shit goes away. 0.99
02:20:10.000 And you don't need your daddy anymore, man. 1.00
02:20:11.000 I don't need my dad to get hit in the head by a fucking meteor. 1.00
02:20:13.000 Not my stepdad who raised me, but my real dad who I don't even know. 1.00
02:20:16.000 I wouldn't give a fuck. 0.99
02:20:18.000 I don't need a dad. 0.99
02:20:19.000 I'm a dad myself.
02:20:20.000 Thanks, take care.
02:20:22.000 I got it.
02:20:23.000 Sorry you got hit in the head by a meteor.
02:20:25.000 You know what I mean?
02:20:25.000 But when I was seven, it was devastating.
02:20:28.000 When I was seven, that guy, the fact that my dad wasn't in my life anymore was just like, whoa, it was just crushing.
02:20:33.000 And so that, whatever sets you off when you're seven, or whatever it is, what age it is, you have this dad issue, that's what gives you this incredible energy and desire to pursue this stand-up comedy thing.
02:20:46.000 Sure.
02:20:50.000 And your motivation has to go from, I want all this attention to, I want to produce all this art and make people happy. 0.98
02:20:56.000 I want to produce all this shit that people love. 0.96
02:20:59.000 I want people to come see Al Madrigal in concert, and I'm going to give them a fucking rocking show where they get all excited and can't wait to see me again. 0.99
02:21:05.000 I think about what my kids, I can't help but think about this. 0.94
02:21:10.000 I think about my kids looking at my stand-up when they're 18 years old and looking back and seeing what I did for them.
02:21:15.000 Are you still smoking cigarettes?
02:21:17.000 No, I'm done.
02:21:17.000 You're done?
02:21:18.000 Yeah, completely.
02:21:19.000 I quit almost, I feel like a year ago, right around now.
02:21:25.000 How many times a day do you think about it?
02:21:26.000 I don't anymore. 1.00
02:21:27.000 This motherfucker, he quits and his cat hurts her foot. 1.00
02:21:31.000 The cat hurt her foot. 1.00
02:21:33.000 So he...
02:21:33.000 Was it her?
02:21:34.000 Yeah.
02:21:34.000 Yeah.
02:21:35.000 Cat hurt her foot.
02:21:36.000 She jumped off the refrigerator and hurt her foot.
02:21:38.000 So he got so stressed out he started smoking cigarettes again.
02:21:40.000 Yeah.
02:21:41.000 I mean, it's always something for me.
02:21:42.000 I mean, if it's a relationship problem or if my cat gets hurt problem, it's all excuses.
02:21:48.000 I mean, cigarettes, I know you say that you're over and stuff like that, but most people, even if it's been a year, I still thought about it at least once a week.
02:21:56.000 Wow.
02:22:00.000 Wow.
02:22:00.000 One of those non-smoking commercials.
02:22:02.000 And it was a great one.
02:22:03.000 It said, it was there for you then.
02:22:06.000 You did it after you smoked in the morning.
02:22:08.000 You smoked at night.
02:22:09.000 You smoked after lunch.
02:22:10.000 You smoked when your daughter was born.
02:22:12.000 You smoked here.
02:22:13.000 You smoked there.
02:22:14.000 Because you did it.
02:22:15.000 You tried.
02:22:16.000 And you're done.
02:22:17.000 Like that.
02:22:18.000 And you gave it a shot.
02:22:20.000 Like, I smoked.
02:22:21.000 Wow.
02:22:21.000 I really did smoke, and I'm just done with it.
02:22:23.000 I think if I have kids, that's going to be a real big pushy thing. 0.99
02:22:26.000 But when you're hanging out at a comedy club, drinking, and every single person's smoking, it is almost impossible to fucking quit smoking unless you have a kid at home that you're like, okay, I'm doing anything for this fucking kid. 1.00
02:22:37.000 Especially when you get a couple of drinks and you're like, fuck it. 0.99
02:22:39.000 But everybody else is smoking and you're sitting around. 1.00
02:22:41.000 It's also an easy way to step away from a situation.
02:22:44.000 If I'm at a party, one of the best things about smoking for me is that you're in a party, And I get to walk outside and just sort of collect my thoughts and be by myself.
02:22:51.000 Right.
02:22:52.000 And then maybe he's out there and there's another cool smoker guy.
02:22:55.000 Right.
02:22:55.000 I go, what's up, what's up?
02:22:56.000 You see that chick in there? 1.00
02:22:57.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:22:58.000 So you have a tiny meeting away from the fucking event. 0.99
02:23:02.000 I used to see that back in Boston when they had to do it and it was fucking zero degrees outside. 0.99
02:23:07.000 Zero degrees. 0.98
02:23:07.000 And these poor junkies were standing outside. 0.98
02:23:09.000 These fucking queer laws smoking. 1.00
02:23:11.000 We fucking can't even smoke inside anymore. 1.00
02:23:13.000 What's next? 0.99
02:23:14.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:23:14.000 So you just go, it's the ability to step away from shit that I really did miss. 0.99
02:23:19.000 That's what I miss the most. 0.99
02:23:21.000 Little tiny meeting.
02:23:22.000 Little tiny meetings.
02:23:23.000 That's funny.
02:23:23.000 So you're in a little tiny club.
02:23:25.000 That's kind of an interesting way of looking at it.
02:23:26.000 And a club where you meet with the regular people at the regular time.
02:23:29.000 So you see Tebow, who I'm sure you've had cigarettes with.
02:23:32.000 Oh yeah.
02:23:32.000 Have you had cigarettes with Jason Tebow?
02:23:33.000 Oh yeah, all the time.
02:23:34.000 All the time.
02:23:34.000 He's one of my favorite cigarette smoker guys.
02:23:36.000 Exactly.
02:23:36.000 So he has his regular cigarette guys that he sees, and he knows if he sees Court McCown, he can get a cigarette off him.
02:23:41.000 He knows if he sees this guy, Renizzisi, used to smoke, and he just quit.
02:23:46.000 So if you see Steve Renizzisi, you can smoke, and he's got cigarettes.
02:23:49.000 Isn't that a part of it, too, that you support each other?
02:23:51.000 Oh, no problem.
02:23:52.000 Can I bomb a cigarette?
02:23:53.000 You always give the guy a cigarette, because you know that if you see him and you don't have a cigarette, he's got a cigarette, and you're good.
02:23:58.000 It's a trading, a lot of bartering.
02:24:00.000 People do that at bars, too, that don't even know people.
02:24:02.000 You've got a spare?
02:24:03.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:24:04.000 They'll ask you for a fucking free cigarette. 1.00
02:24:06.000 That's like saying, can I have a dollar? 1.00
02:24:08.000 You know what?
02:24:08.000 I was a take-two guy because I knew he'd need one for later.
02:24:12.000 Really?
02:24:12.000 I could take one for later.
02:24:13.000 Generous motherfucker. 1.00
02:24:14.000 There you go. 1.00
02:24:15.000 You do that a lot?
02:24:15.000 I did that to Daryl last night.
02:24:17.000 Yeah.
02:24:17.000 You know what?
02:24:17.000 You like a guy a lot?
02:24:19.000 You see it, Tebow?
02:24:20.000 I got Tebow.
02:24:20.000 Here, you know what, Tebow?
02:24:21.000 I have another one. 0.99
02:24:22.000 I could fucking bust out three. 0.99
02:24:24.000 Whoa. 0.99
02:24:24.000 Yeah, no, just put one behind the ear. 0.99
02:24:26.000 Did you ever go the natural cigarettes route where you try to get those American spirits?
02:24:31.000 I smoked a Parliament Light hard pack and I smoked a Marble Light hard pack and that was it.
02:24:35.000 And what happened, Brian?
02:24:37.000 Those natural lights are not the way to go?
02:24:38.000 They supposedly are better for you because they have only tobacco in it and no pesticides and none of the whatever 102 chemicals, but...
02:24:47.000 They're taking a drag of a twig. 1.00
02:24:49.000 Yeah, it's so hard and rough that I actually felt like more shit the next day waking up on that shit. 1.00
02:24:53.000 It takes 15 minutes to smoke on a regular cigarette, about 7 minutes. 1.00
02:24:57.000 Not even 7 minutes.
02:24:58.000 Half of it is just explosive chemicals you're sucking in.
02:25:01.000 You know there's 599 FDA approved chemical additives that are in cigarettes?
02:25:07.000 Joe was always on me not to smoke.
02:25:09.000 Well, you have children, man.
02:25:10.000 I know, I know, I know.
02:25:11.000 You were on that.
02:25:12.000 And then also, before I had children...
02:25:14.000 You hear that sound?
02:25:15.000 Well, before you had children to the volcano, I'm not doing anything.
02:25:18.000 That's the volcano. 0.91
02:25:20.000 It's come alive.
02:25:23.000 It's got a request. 1.00
02:25:24.000 It's request is to fuck you up. 1.00
02:25:27.000 We're talking about smoking. 1.00
02:25:28.000 And there's a, you know, a lot of people say, well, marijuana, you know, you're smoking that. 1.00
02:25:31.000 That shit's bad for you. 1.00
02:25:32.000 That's not good. 1.00
02:25:33.000 Well, there's a thing called the vaporizer, ladies and gentlemen.
02:25:35.000 And what it is, is it looks like a UFO. Jiffy Pop.
02:25:39.000 Yeah, it looks like it's making Jiffy Pop.
02:25:41.000 But what it's really doing is taking my ground-up plant material and vaporizing it so that there's no smoke, but instead it's a mist, and it's a THC mist.
02:25:52.000 And what it does is it fills this bag up with this THC mist.
02:25:55.000 Oh, it's filling up now.
02:25:56.000 It's looking good.
02:25:57.000 How long have you had that?
02:25:58.000 I'm liking it.
02:25:58.000 I've had it for a while, man.
02:26:00.000 I think I got it a few years ago.
02:26:03.000 Because your bag leaks a little bit.
02:26:05.000 A little bit.
02:26:06.000 What are you going to do?
02:26:07.000 That's a good gift idea.
02:26:08.000 Yeah, get Joe a new bag.
02:26:10.000 That really is a good gift idea for Joe Rogan.
02:26:12.000 I need a new bag.
02:26:13.000 Does it turn off by itself?
02:26:14.000 No, you just wait.
02:26:15.000 Is it going to pop?
02:26:16.000 Look at it.
02:26:16.000 No, not ready.
02:26:17.000 It's not ready yet.
02:26:19.000 It's looking good, though.
02:26:20.000 This is scary. 1.00
02:26:21.000 Don't be a bitch, Ryan. 1.00
02:26:22.000 Like walking around with balloons and not hitting the ceiling. 1.00
02:26:25.000 It's vapor, bro.
02:26:27.000 It's THC vapor.
02:26:28.000 And the thing is, it looks like nothing.
02:26:31.000 Like when you breathe it in and breathe it out, sometimes you don't even think you've got anything.
02:26:34.000 You went with a clear bag, but all bags are pretty much clear so you can see the mist in the inside.
02:26:39.000 Exactly.
02:26:40.000 Well, this is just the same bag that I've had for years.
02:26:42.000 I'm probably supposed to be replacing that.
02:26:43.000 No, that's why, ladies, I mean, yeah, it is a good gift idea if you're thinking about gifting.
02:26:48.000 Yeah. 0.97
02:26:49.000 Those volcanoes are fucking expensive. 0.99
02:26:52.000 Oh, I think? 0.99
02:26:52.000 Yeah, I think they're like $600 or something like that. 0.99
02:26:55.000 Is it really?
02:26:56.000 Yeah.
02:26:57.000 I was thinking about getting one and then I was like...
02:26:59.000 So then, this is what you get out of it.
02:27:02.000 This strange thing.
02:27:04.000 And inside this strange thing is...
02:27:06.000 I don't know. 0.99
02:27:06.000 It's some fucking... 0.99
02:27:07.000 Jesus, you're going crazy. 1.00
02:27:15.000 And that just sticks around for a while.
02:27:17.000 You can use that later.
02:27:18.000 That's it.
02:27:19.000 Bam, son.
02:27:20.000 Pure THC. You don't have to worry about smoke.
02:27:23.000 You don't have to worry about shit being bad for you. 0.99
02:27:25.000 How magical. 0.99
02:27:26.000 Are you still going on the road?
02:27:28.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:27:29.000 Who do you go with?
02:27:30.000 You go with Ari?
02:27:31.000 Yeah, Ari comes all the time. 1.00
02:27:32.000 Joey, when you can count on him.
02:27:35.000 You never know with Joey Diaz because he might pull a Joey Diaz.
02:27:39.000 And just no show?
02:27:42.000 What's that?
02:27:42.000 And just no show?
02:27:44.000 I actually started taking two people on the road with me for the very reason that I never knew if Joey Diaz was going to show up.
02:27:51.000 That's awesome.
02:27:51.000 So Joey Diaz is the reason...
02:27:53.000 What was that?
02:27:54.000 Did you hear the...
02:27:55.000 Did you hear feedback?
02:27:57.000 No.
02:27:58.000 Did you hear us?
02:27:58.000 Yeah.
02:28:00.000 Was that just you rustling?
02:28:01.000 Maybe you just kicked something when you sat down.
02:28:03.000 Maybe.
02:28:03.000 Anyway, I used to take Joey Diaz on the road all the time until we worked in Rascals.
02:28:09.000 We worked in Rascals in New Jersey and Joey just didn't show up.
02:28:12.000 He just never flew to New Jersey.
02:28:14.000 And he didn't answer his phone.
02:28:15.000 He had a pager back then.
02:28:16.000 It was impossible to get in touch with him.
02:28:18.000 And then finally we got in touch with him the next day.
02:28:20.000 And he's like, I'm coming tonight.
02:28:21.000 Don't worry about it.
02:28:21.000 I'll be there.
02:28:22.000 Don't worry about it.
02:28:22.000 I'm there.
02:28:23.000 Don't worry.
02:28:23.000 I missed my flight.
02:28:24.000 I fucked up. 0.99
02:28:25.000 I got stuck in Vegas. 0.99
02:28:26.000 So it's maybe an hour before the show.
02:28:30.000 And we finally get a hold of Joey Diaz.
02:28:32.000 And he's still back in L.A. or Vegas.
02:28:34.000 I forget where he was.
02:28:35.000 Like, I ain't got a lot of your dogs.
02:28:36.000 I never got on the plane.
02:28:38.000 He just, whatever reason, he just decided to go off into his own Joey Diaz world.
02:28:43.000 That's great.
02:28:44.000 And he's done that so many times.
02:28:45.000 He did that in Phoenix. 1.00
02:28:47.000 He just fucking vanishes. 0.99
02:28:48.000 I'm telling you that story of him at the Marilyn Martinez. 0.99
02:28:51.000 Maybe there's somebody who talked about that, but it was just really one of the best things I've ever witnessed.
02:28:57.000 Him just telling somebody off at a memorial. 1.00
02:28:59.000 Those fucking memorials, they bum me out, man. 1.00
02:29:02.000 I went to Mitch. 1.00
02:29:04.000 I don't go to anybody's.
02:29:05.000 I don't like funerals either.
02:29:07.000 I don't like the idea behind it.
02:29:08.000 If I want to celebrate somebody, I want to celebrate it on my own.
02:29:10.000 Think about their life and my personal relationship with them.
02:29:14.000 I mean, it's cool with you if you want to meet up with everybody and talk about how great the guy was and celebrate him.
02:29:18.000 I get it.
02:29:19.000 I totally understand it.
02:29:21.000 But to me, it's just like, man, it's such a personal thing when someone dies.
02:29:24.000 When the public official died in Tucson, I mean, you saw all the people, and Obama spoke.
02:29:30.000 That was a lot of people.
02:29:31.000 How many people were at that event, do you know?
02:29:33.000 That was a shitload of people at University of Arizona, probably in the basketball stadium.
02:29:37.000 Easily about 8,000 people.
02:29:39.000 That's weird, right?
02:29:41.000 Well, you know, in that case, though, it's like those people need healing.
02:29:45.000 Those people are devastated.
02:29:46.000 Oh, absolutely, yeah.
02:29:46.000 When something happened, like that little girl got shot, that thing is so devastating.
02:29:50.000 And apparently cops have been called to this guy's house, the guy who did that shooting in Arizona.
02:29:54.000 Well, they pulled him over on the way there.
02:29:56.000 Jesus Christ.
02:29:57.000 Did they really?
02:29:57.000 He got arrested for, yeah, he had some sort of violation.
02:30:02.000 He got pulled over.
02:30:03.000 Oh my God, they didn't check that he's got guns?
02:30:05.000 Guns in a bag. 1.00
02:30:06.000 Jesus fucking... 1.00
02:30:08.000 When anyone goes to load up, and he went to Walmart and bought a shitload of bullets, too, I think there's just gotta be some check. 1.00
02:30:14.000 Like, don't you think so?
02:30:15.000 Like, somebody just, let's take a picture and send it.
02:30:18.000 I'm sure all that's being done.
02:30:20.000 I don't even know what it is.
02:30:21.000 I feel bad for the cop that pulled him over, who has to think that, you know...
02:30:25.000 Had he done a little bit more of an investigation?
02:30:27.000 Yeah, I just looked into this.
02:30:28.000 He probably had some inkling, but he's probably, you know, whatever.
02:30:30.000 Leave the guy alone.
02:30:32.000 Are there people talking about that?
02:30:33.000 Are there people talking about the fact that he was stopped?
02:30:35.000 I never heard it.
02:30:36.000 I didn't hear it until you just brought it up.
02:30:38.000 That's crazy, though.
02:30:39.000 The photos of that kid, the mugshot photos.
02:30:42.000 Looks just as bananas as anybody could look.
02:30:46.000 Yeah, it can't look any crazier. 1.00
02:30:48.000 But that's me again with the payphone shit. 0.99
02:30:50.000 It's like, I would, yeah. 0.99
02:30:52.000 Inspect them.
02:30:54.000 Well, then the other thought is that if you look at the whole machine of life, if you look at all these different things in life, the good and the bad, there's a lot of people that believe, and this is sort of a staple in Eastern religion, is that almost you sort of have to have negative in your life to recognize the positive.
02:31:14.000 And the yin and yang, the reason why it exists is because that's the only way anything ever gets done.
02:31:18.000 And even events like 9-11, they're terrible events, but In some ways, they bring people together.
02:31:24.000 Like, New York, after 9-11, after that, was like the friendliest fucking place in the world for the longest time.
02:31:31.000 Senators holding hands on top of the... 0.91
02:31:33.000 It was just different, man.
02:31:35.000 People were...
02:31:35.000 Everyone was devastated.
02:31:37.000 People were shell-shocked.
02:31:38.000 They were horrified.
02:31:39.000 But there was this weird feeling and air of a group of people that are all cool. 1.00
02:31:46.000 Motherfucker, I'm weak. 0.99
02:31:49.000 Now I feel better about my text earlier. 1.00
02:31:52.000 Somebody just called me once. 1.00
02:31:53.000 I swear to God I unplugged that fucking thing. 0.98
02:31:56.000 Anyway, there was a sense of community there that didn't exist. 0.99
02:31:59.000 And just phased away.
02:32:00.000 Phased away and back to douchiness. 0.71
02:32:02.000 But for the longest time, man, everyone was so fucking cool there. 0.86
02:32:06.000 So positive.
02:32:07.000 We went there.
02:32:07.000 We filmed a Fear Factor.
02:32:09.000 I think it was right after September 11th.
02:32:10.000 It wasn't far afterward.
02:32:11.000 Like maybe a year or two after.
02:32:13.000 And everybody was... 1.00
02:32:14.000 And it was back when firemen were fucking heroes and firemen were just getting pussy thrown at them everywhere. 1.00
02:32:20.000 Women wanted to go fuck firemen. 1.00
02:32:21.000 They wanted to go fuck heroes. 1.00
02:32:23.000 You know? 0.99
02:32:24.000 It's weird how that changed, but for that long time.
02:32:27.000 So it's almost like a negative thing can oftentimes inspire this positive reaction in the opposite way.
02:32:33.000 And there's a lot of people that think that all these things are in place and all these fucked up people are in place and fucked up situations to get us to appreciate the situations that aren't.
02:32:41.000 You know, to get us to really, you know, to really try to be better and help us evolve so that we can get past these unfortunate but unavoidable situations. 0.83
02:32:51.000 I've heard that been said.
02:32:52.000 Yeah, we need homeless people.
02:32:54.000 Without homeless people, I mean, you need sort of somebody on the bottom.
02:33:01.000 I don't know if that's true.
02:33:02.000 I don't necessarily agree with that.
02:33:04.000 But it's also like, you know, to watch something really terrible like that sort of like motivates you to not let that happen to you. 0.99
02:33:11.000 People can accept a lot of shit. 0.96
02:33:13.000 A lot of things can happen to you and you just sort of accept your situation and it gets worse. 1.00
02:33:17.000 You sort of accept that.
02:33:18.000 Yeah, yeah, exactly.
02:33:19.000 Hoarders are a perfect example. 0.98
02:33:20.000 And because of that, all of a sudden you find yourself at many levels of accepting this bullshit in a place where you never would have just accepted it straight up right off the bat. 0.99
02:33:31.000 You just kind of let it happen like that. 1.00
02:33:33.000 Just builds and builds and builds and builds and your credit gets out of control and all of a sudden you're evicted and you just fucking don't handle your shit. 1.00
02:33:40.000 And yeah, you do look at that to get motivated because this is the bottom. 1.00
02:33:43.000 I've seen the bottom and I don't want to be near the fucking bottom. 0.99
02:33:46.000 Exactly. 0.99
02:33:47.000 That's what it is.
02:33:48.000 It's like, I do not want that.
02:33:50.000 When I watch a hoarder, me and my wife actually watched one the other night, and this show is difficult to watch. 0.99
02:33:56.000 Because you're right that they do gradually accept that they have to shit on top of fucking Capri Sun boxes or something in their way and shit. 0.98
02:34:04.000 And it just stacks up around them, and they're just shifting. 0.99
02:34:08.000 And then we just started living in one room.
02:34:10.000 They say that all the time.
02:34:12.000 Also, I think we all recognize...
02:34:14.000 Yeah, we all recognize that our own brains are just as vulnerable as these people's brains.
02:34:18.000 Oh, sure.
02:34:20.000 A lot of people choose to fight a little bit harder. 0.99
02:34:22.000 They can just keep their shit clean, and it takes work. 0.99
02:34:25.000 Everything takes work. 1.00
02:34:26.000 Life's maintenance needs to be fucking done. 1.00
02:34:28.000 You can't let shit get out of control. 0.99
02:34:30.000 But we've all gone into this weird spiral. 0.96
02:34:32.000 I think anybody that I've ever met, especially anybody that's ever been in a tumultuous relationship...
02:34:37.000 You go into this weird spiral where you don't feel like you have that much control over your thoughts and actions. 0.99
02:34:42.000 When guys get in a devastating relationship, you get your heart broken, you can't sleep, you can't think, especially when that happens young in your life and you don't really have it mastered yet, you don't really understand who the fuck you are, that shit can send you on some kind of crazy spiral. 0.99
02:34:58.000 And if you go through all that and you've got some sort of a history of mental illness in your family, next thing you know, done. 0.99
02:35:06.000 You're cracked.
02:35:07.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:35:08.000 I mean, you don't want to ever accept that it could happen to you, but you look at someone who's really devastated by any sort of a fucking obsession like that. 0.95
02:35:16.000 Gambling obsessions? 0.96
02:35:17.000 Do you know gambling people?
02:35:18.000 Dude, my in-laws live in dirty Vegas, so out near the Air Force Base, out where there's all of those poker places, and it's just a pawn shop, poker place.
02:35:28.000 Just shut down fast food, fast food, pawn shop, poker, poker, poker. 0.96
02:35:32.000 And you go into one of those places, like a Terribles Casino and shit like that. 0.96
02:35:36.000 And there's all those car washes. 0.95
02:35:37.000 And you go into like a PJ's poker place and you just see these just guys.
02:35:41.000 You think like an Indian casino is bad.
02:35:44.000 There's a regular casino, really nice.
02:35:45.000 Then there's a lower level downtown casinos. 0.99
02:35:48.000 Then there's like an Indian casino that's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. 0.97
02:35:51.000 And it's like, why would you go there? 0.98
02:35:52.000 And they say it's like, oh, it's a Morongo Casino.
02:35:55.000 It's where real nightlife is.
02:35:56.000 And you go in and it's just like a weird grouping of Chinese people.
02:35:59.000 Dude, you're not going to get booked in Morongo if you say anything wrong.
02:36:01.000 Be cool right here.
02:36:02.000 There's a lot of money in Morongo.
02:36:04.000 Come to Morongo.
02:36:05.000 Yeah.
02:36:07.000 There's so many hot chicks and I love going to Morongo, man.
02:36:10.000 They have these commercials that come on. 0.99
02:36:12.000 It's like the nightclubs and shit like that. 1.00
02:36:15.000 It ends up being old Chinese ladies in like mystical wolf t-shirts fucking just walking around. 1.00
02:36:20.000 It's like... 1.00
02:36:20.000 With those walkers with the tennis balls in the bottom of the feet. 1.00
02:36:23.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.63
02:36:24.000 It's disgusting. 1.00
02:36:25.000 It's depressing shit. 1.00
02:36:26.000 That gambling addiction is a strange one, man. 1.00
02:36:29.000 Anybody that smiles...
02:36:30.000 There's homeless people in my neighborhood that bought a car.
02:36:32.000 What?
02:36:33.000 I watched them be homeless.
02:36:34.000 I knew they were going around collecting cans.
02:36:36.000 And just one day...
02:36:37.000 You know how you got your eye on the same homeless people all the time?
02:36:40.000 You're seeing them around for a regular basis.
02:36:42.000 These two...
02:36:43.000 It's like a couple. 0.87
02:36:44.000 Frumpy looking weird white lady and this tall black guy who wears a top hat sometimes. 1.00
02:36:49.000 They start driving around in a green minivan. 0.99
02:36:51.000 Fucked up green minivan.
02:36:53.000 But they got there and saved up enough cans like Marlboro Miles to buy this other car. 0.97
02:36:57.000 And they're sleeping in this van now?
02:36:58.000 I bet. 0.96
02:36:58.000 Yeah, they're cheating in my neighborhood because they have a place where you can turn recyclables into money, and then every night I see them just fucking going through everyone's recycle bins and just taking out all the shit from the recycle bins and then selling it down the street. 0.96
02:37:13.000 Yeah, that's what they do. 0.98
02:37:14.000 That's cheating.
02:37:14.000 Is that cheating?
02:37:15.000 No, that's like Starwood points for homeless people.
02:37:18.000 Well, I think that makes sense because one way you're not going to make any money.
02:37:22.000 If you just put your recyclables on the street, you're not going to make any money.
02:37:25.000 And for them, it's like free money.
02:37:27.000 I don't think it's cheating at all. 1.00
02:37:28.000 Yeah, get out of my fucking trash. 1.00
02:37:30.000 I don't want you in my trash. 1.00
02:37:30.000 Somebody was telling me they were in a... 1.00
02:37:31.000 Well, as long as they do a good job.
02:37:32.000 A downtown...
02:37:33.000 They don't make a mess.
02:37:34.000 Stealing your identity.
02:37:35.000 They were in a downtown LA, like shopping mall or something like that, and they saw...
02:37:39.000 Or an office complex, and they saw one of these fountains where people throw money in the fountain.
02:37:43.000 And they were just standing there going, oh my God, what a beautiful fountain.
02:37:46.000 And then this Latino family came in, just rolled up all their sleeves and went in the fountain and just started taking all the money out of the fountain. 1.00
02:37:53.000 Whoa.
02:37:53.000 And just saying, because it's free money, we're throwing money in water.
02:37:58.000 Yeah, what do you say to that?
02:37:59.000 How do you stop that?
02:38:00.000 I have zero money, and there's money just right there.
02:38:03.000 Yeah, you gotta take it.
02:38:04.000 It's like a foot of water.
02:38:06.000 Right, and it's like, it's a weird thing.
02:38:08.000 Like, is it illegal to take the money?
02:38:09.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:38:10.000 Is it?
02:38:11.000 I think so.
02:38:12.000 Is it?
02:38:12.000 It shouldn't be.
02:38:13.000 Well, I think a lot of these fountains usually have a charity booked around behind it. 0.96
02:38:16.000 Like, the mall gives it to a charity or something.
02:38:18.000 Really?
02:38:18.000 So I think once it's that, it's considered giving to a charity.
02:38:22.000 And it's stealing.
02:38:23.000 But there's no charity sign.
02:38:24.000 Take that money.
02:38:25.000 You need the money.
02:38:26.000 Maybe they started doing it to a charity just because people were doing it.
02:38:29.000 It's like the Mexican soccer sign. 0.99
02:38:31.000 Yeah, it is ridiculous. 1.00
02:38:32.000 That's how fucking rich this country is. 1.00
02:38:33.000 People can throw money in a fountain. 1.00
02:38:36.000 Enough money for food.
02:38:37.000 There's enough money in that fountain for you definitely need to get something to eat.
02:38:40.000 You know, it's always quarters and nickels and pennies. 0.94
02:38:42.000 There's a comic that, uh, a Conan writer that actually does that as a bit, I'm sorry, I forget his name, but he goes, imagine coming from another country, like, where they have no water, where you have to go to a well, you know, really just out in the middle of nowhere, and there's the one water hole, and there's a fucking tiger there. 0.94
02:38:57.000 Yeah.
02:38:58.000 And then you come to this country, and you go into, like, a place, like, um, to City Center, City Walk, City Walk, Universal City Walk.
02:39:06.000 Right. 0.99
02:39:06.000 And there's fucking water shooting up out of the ground, and kids are fucking frolicking, and then we're Taking our extra money and throwing it in the fucking fountain. 0.99
02:39:15.000 Just like, here's our money and our water. 0.99
02:39:16.000 It's crazy, right? 0.99
02:39:17.000 It really is fucking crazy. 0.99
02:39:19.000 It really is. 0.99
02:39:20.000 Well, we don't realize how rich this country is until you watch.
02:39:23.000 You even talk to some of the people that are in certain European countries where there's no resources and nothing to do. 0.98
02:39:29.000 There's a real issue in Italy right now with young people where there's no fucking jobs. 0.95
02:39:34.000 There's really nothing they can do. 0.98
02:39:35.000 People are graduating and there's like...
02:39:37.000 There's nothing.
02:39:38.000 There's nothing out there.
02:39:39.000 Mom's already manning the cafe or whatever it is.
02:39:42.000 You have to go out and find an actual job.
02:39:45.000 You have to leave the country. 1.00
02:39:46.000 You have to get on a fucking boat or something. 1.00
02:39:48.000 You've got to go find your shit somewhere else. 1.00
02:39:50.000 You're stuck. 1.00
02:39:51.000 Yeah.
02:39:51.000 And I think a lot of the smarter people said, there's free land over in that other place.
02:39:56.000 Those people were nuts, man. 0.99
02:39:58.000 Let's go. 0.99
02:39:58.000 The idea behind that, we've talked about it before, but how crazy you have to be to be living in Europe and say, you know what? 0.99
02:40:05.000 Fuck this. 0.99
02:40:05.000 We're going to get in a boat and we're going to go across the ocean. 0.99
02:40:08.000 It's going to take a long time.
02:40:10.000 A lot of us are going to die.
02:40:11.000 Yeah, a lot of us are going to die.
02:40:12.000 And we're going to get some new diseases when we get there. 1.00
02:40:15.000 But dying is better than that shit. 1.00
02:40:18.000 They weighed that out. 1.00
02:40:19.000 They must have.
02:40:20.000 There must have been...
02:40:21.000 Or they're just running from the law.
02:40:23.000 We're a nation built by criminals running from European law.
02:40:26.000 I wonder how many people were supposed to be one thing when they were in Europe.
02:40:29.000 They came over here, Bob Smith, that's my name.
02:40:32.000 You know, just new identity.
02:40:33.000 New identity, new everything.
02:40:34.000 Clean slate.
02:40:35.000 That's how to be allowed.
02:40:36.000 Just wipe out a complete record of yourself.
02:40:38.000 Don Draper, the whole thing.
02:40:39.000 Yeah.
02:40:40.000 A lot of them, right? 1.00
02:40:41.000 Can't do that shit anymore, folks. 1.00
02:40:43.000 No. 0.99
02:40:43.000 That's going out of the way soon. 0.99
02:40:45.000 Soon, you're going to be chipped. 1.00
02:40:47.000 You cunts! 0.99
02:40:48.000 So where are you at this weekend now? 1.00
02:40:49.000 You're going to be chipped.
02:40:50.000 I am actually doing the John Oliver Comedy Central show in New York on Saturday night.
02:40:56.000 That's exciting.
02:40:57.000 Cool.
02:40:58.000 And then I'm going to be in Austin, Texas at the Cap City Comedy Club.
02:41:03.000 Oh, my favorite club.
02:41:04.000 And I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv.
02:41:06.000 I've got those three coming up.
02:41:07.000 So it goes... 0.98
02:41:08.000 Can I come with you to Austin so I can steal some bitches? 1.00
02:41:11.000 Oh, you need chicks in Austin? 1.00
02:41:12.000 Steal some bitches? 1.00
02:41:14.000 How confident are you? 1.00
02:41:15.000 Steal some bitches. 1.00
02:41:16.000 Brian's like, all I have to do is go to Austin, and I'll just... 1.00
02:41:19.000 You know, start a fucking harem and shit. 1.00
02:41:21.000 I love them. 1.00
02:41:22.000 That's all I gotta do.
02:41:23.000 Just go there.
02:41:24.000 Like rescuing women from Austin. 1.00
02:41:26.000 Dude, Austin is the shit. 1.00
02:41:27.000 Why would it be rescuing? 1.00
02:41:28.000 Yeah, you're not a big guy.
02:41:30.000 Because they don't want to get beat up anymore.
02:41:33.000 They're gonna get in Twitter fights with your ex-girlfriend? 1.00
02:41:37.000 Twitter war.
02:41:38.000 How many people are having public spats on Twitter?
02:41:41.000 It's so funny.
02:41:42.000 Are they?
02:41:42.000 Yeah, relationships are broken up on Twitter.
02:41:44.000 Oh, that's hilarious.
02:41:44.000 People are arguing with each other.
02:41:45.000 See, that's another thing.
02:41:46.000 I miss texting in my relationship, so I don't even know.
02:41:49.000 It's like, where are you at?
02:41:50.000 Where are you at?
02:41:51.000 I have no idea what that's about.
02:41:53.000 There's a few people that I follow just because I know that they're in a famous couple and that they'll get in spats. 0.97
02:41:59.000 And when they get in spats, they'll leave little vague shit. 0.95
02:42:02.000 There comes a point when you know that you cannot count on anyone. 0.64
02:42:06.000 Who are those people?
02:42:08.000 I can't tell you online.
02:42:09.000 I'll tell you when we're off air.
02:42:12.000 But I follow them just because I want to hear them.
02:42:15.000 And then once that point has been reached, it's over.
02:42:18.000 Yeah, so there's an echo in here.
02:42:19.000 I keep on hearing phones ring.
02:42:21.000 There's no more phones ring, buddy.
02:42:22.000 It's my medicine.
02:42:23.000 It's your medicine. 1.00
02:42:24.000 Fox's fucking show's over, right? 1.00
02:42:26.000 Should have been over a while ago. 1.00
02:42:28.000 We gotta get new seats.
02:42:29.000 When we do these two hours and 45 minute shows, I feel like...
02:42:32.000 How is that phase? 1.00
02:42:33.000 Perhaps you need to work on your core, motherfucker. 1.00
02:42:36.000 These are the most uncomfortable couches. 1.00
02:42:37.000 I'm in the gym, I feel pretty good.
02:42:38.000 I'm right.
02:42:39.000 He's right, rather.
02:42:40.000 When I got these...
02:42:42.000 Yeah, there's no back support.
02:42:43.000 I'm gonna get us office chairs.
02:42:44.000 That's the next point.
02:42:45.000 That was really nice ones.
02:42:45.000 That way we can move around more, too.
02:42:47.000 We're not married to this one spot and we can face each other better. 0.99
02:42:50.000 Listen, folks, this shit is ever evolving. 0.99
02:42:53.000 I'm working on some sort of a TV. To look at the Ustream, it really does look like a professional environment, though, with the mic in front of your face. 0.99
02:43:00.000 And it looks like, you know, I mean, it is a very professional setup, but I'm saying fucking raise this shit. 0.99
02:43:05.000 Yeah, we'll figure it out. 0.99
02:43:06.000 When we first started doing it, man, we just had a laptop and we had snow in the background and shit. 0.98
02:43:11.000 Those are terrible ones. 0.93
02:43:13.000 If you're going to download a podcast, those first ten of them, I can't believe anybody was still listening.
02:43:17.000 We just would get baked and just start rambling and nobody was paying attention so we didn't even think it was a big deal.
02:43:23.000 But now there's like hundreds of thousands of downloads every week.
02:43:25.000 You want to deliver a quality project.
02:43:27.000 I feel like I have to.
02:43:28.000 I have to make the conversations interesting.
02:43:30.000 I have to bring on people like Al Madrigal.
02:43:33.000 How'd we do?
02:43:33.000 That was a good show.
02:43:34.000 I had a fun time.
02:43:35.000 You're great always, bro.
02:43:35.000 You're an awesome dude.
02:43:36.000 I'm glad we've been friends for all these years.
02:43:38.000 I'm glad I knew you back in your salad days.
02:43:41.000 I have an album that I just put out.
02:43:44.000 What is it?
02:43:45.000 What's it called?
02:43:45.000 It's called Cholos on a Moped.
02:43:47.000 Cholos on a moped. 1.00
02:43:48.000 Is it iTunes available?
02:43:50.000 No, it's just on my website.
02:43:51.000 Do they have to download it?
02:43:54.000 No, they have to download it, and I just put in sort of a pay-whatever-you-want.
02:43:57.000 It bottoms out of $7.99, because I think that's nothing.
02:44:01.000 But if people want to pay $10 or more, they can.
02:44:03.000 Oh, that's kind of cool.
02:44:04.000 I like that.
02:44:05.000 I've seen people do that with PayPal links.
02:44:08.000 They say, if you want to donate, here's what it is.
02:44:10.000 There's something to that.
02:44:10.000 Yeah, I don't know.
02:44:11.000 I'd rather people have it than I make a certain dollar amount.
02:44:15.000 Before we go, I want to ask you about this.
02:44:17.000 How do you feel about online piracy?
02:44:19.000 What are your thoughts on that?
02:44:21.000 Online, actually ripping a movie and then distributing it to other people?
02:44:25.000 Let's just go specifically with your stuff. 0.99
02:44:28.000 Oh, if somebody puts my stuff out on LimeWire, if it takes my shit.
02:44:31.000 See, I'm at the stage in my career where I would like people to have the stuff more than I'd like to make one. 0.99
02:44:38.000 I'll write new shit. 0.99
02:44:39.000 Right. 0.99
02:44:39.000 I'm going to continue producing. 0.99
02:44:41.000 I mean, I'm just starting to right now with this, like, a couple of bits that I have that the Laugh Factory put up on YouTube. 0.97
02:44:47.000 Like, the shit that I really fucking enjoy doing. 0.98
02:44:50.000 So I just want to keep producing shit like that at a high quality. 0.99
02:44:53.000 But at some point where there's real big money to be made, I'm sure I'll fucking want to sell this stuff legitimately. 0.98
02:44:59.000 Right. 0.61
02:44:59.000 I know what you're saying. 0.61
02:45:00.000 For the most part, I just want to get it out.
02:45:03.000 I'd give it to somebody.
02:45:04.000 If somebody, kid, comes up to me after my shows, I always say, pay what you want.
02:45:07.000 I don't care. 0.99
02:45:08.000 As long as you don't throw fucking $2 at me. 1.00
02:45:10.000 Look at you, dude. 1.00
02:45:10.000 You're like a hippie. 1.00
02:45:11.000 You're a hippie socialist.
02:45:12.000 Well, I mean, for the most, I say, pay what you can afford.
02:45:14.000 What's the cheapest people give you?
02:45:16.000 I'll take five bucks because I cost three to make.
02:45:20.000 Wow.
02:45:21.000 And so, and then if somebody, but for the most part, people give me $20.
02:45:25.000 That's kind of cool.
02:45:26.000 What is the most someone's ever given you?
02:45:28.000 I had people in Tempe at the Tempe Improv jumping up and down.
02:45:32.000 It was one of the last CDs, but $40, $60, I think.
02:45:36.000 Nice.
02:45:36.000 But it was like they were running out.
02:45:38.000 Oh.
02:45:38.000 What are you doing, Brian?
02:45:39.000 What is that?
02:45:40.000 I'm just playing music.
02:45:41.000 Ending music.
02:45:41.000 Yeah.
02:45:42.000 Sounds like a Chinese restaurant, bro.
02:45:44.000 Yeah, it's Cam Trails by Beck.
02:45:45.000 Sounds like the waiting area for a Chinese restaurant.
02:45:48.000 Can it be louder a little bit?
02:45:50.000 There you go.
02:45:51.000 February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater.
02:45:53.000 I am there with Ari Shafir and Joey Coco Diaz, hopefully.
02:45:58.000 I know Ari will show up with Joey. 1.00
02:46:01.000 Twitter that fool. 0.99
02:46:02.000 Talk to him. 1.00
02:46:03.000 I don't know.
02:46:03.000 It's mad flavor.
02:46:05.000 But tickets are selling very fast. 0.99
02:46:07.000 It's going to be a fucking crazy show. 0.99
02:46:09.000 It's a big place. 0.99
02:46:10.000 It's like 2,000 seats.
02:46:12.000 Something like that.
02:46:13.000 1,800 seats.
02:46:14.000 It's a new theater in Mandalay Bay.
02:46:15.000 And that'll be the night before the UFC. There's a link on JoeRogan.net.
02:46:20.000 You can go there.
02:46:21.000 There's a link on my Facebook, which is JoeRogan, D-O-T-N-E-T. And Al Madrigal, you can reach him at Al Madrigal at Twitter.
02:46:29.000 A-L-M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. In the house, bitches. 1.00
02:46:35.000 AlMadrigal.com. 1.00
02:46:36.000 AlMadrigal.com.
02:46:37.000 Dude, thank you very much.
02:46:38.000 Thank you for everything.
02:46:39.000 Thank you for being a cool dude.
02:46:40.000 Thank you for being a great stand-up comedian.
02:46:42.000 And thank you for being the same guy that I met when we got high and watched Oprah.
02:46:47.000 Exactly the same.
02:46:48.000 From 11 years ago.
02:46:49.000 Yeah, it's pretty much not too much has changed.
02:46:51.000 Well, you know, you're more of a dad and a man now and all that good stuff.
02:46:55.000 Oh, sure, but...
02:46:56.000 But you're the same dude.
02:46:56.000 Same guy.
02:46:57.000 Yeah, you're the same dude.
02:46:58.000 That doesn't always happen that way.
02:46:59.000 I know, and then you were telling me about Ray Romano.
02:47:02.000 That's exactly...
02:47:03.000 Exactly.
02:47:03.000 He's the same exact guy.
02:47:04.000 He's always been a great guy.
02:47:05.000 So that's good to hear.
02:47:06.000 Yeah, you can keep it together.
02:47:08.000 Sure.
02:47:08.000 You're going to keep it together.
02:47:09.000 I predict.
02:47:10.000 No, there's no use to be all affected.
02:47:11.000 You're the same thing. 0.98
02:47:13.000 You could have the right to be some affected fucking guy with people around you. 1.00
02:47:17.000 It's a mess. 1.00
02:47:18.000 That fucks you up more than... 0.78
02:47:20.000 The ego boost is a fake one. 0.99
02:47:22.000 If you're a smart person, you don't accept it, and so you don't get a good feeling out of it anyway, because you know it's ridiculous. 1.00
02:47:27.000 It's all ridiculous, bitches. 1.00
02:47:29.000 We are in an atomic soup that no one understands, and it's been going back and forth, on and over, from the Big Bang to the end of creation forever. 1.00
02:47:37.000 And it's an endless cycle.
02:47:38.000 And we'll see you next week.
02:47:40.000 And Fleshlight.
02:47:41.000 Call at you, boy.
02:47:41.000 Yeah, Fleshlight.com.
02:47:43.000 Go there and just buy a bunch of them. 0.98
02:47:45.000 Just jerk off into them and shoot your loads all over the house. 1.00
02:47:48.000 They're special. 1.00
02:47:49.000 They're good.
02:47:50.000 They feel better than beating off. 0.97
02:47:51.000 You will have long, ball-draining orgasms. 0.92
02:47:54.000 I highly recommend... 0.90
02:47:57.000 Highly recommend it.
02:47:59.000 Also, Miami Improv. 0.99
02:48:00.000 Fuck, I don't even know who's going down with me. 0.99
02:48:03.000 28, 29, and 30. No, not Miami Improv. 1.00
02:48:07.000 I keep saying that.
02:48:07.000 I said that twice.
02:48:08.000 West Palm Beach Improv.
02:48:10.000 You know why I say it?
02:48:11.000 Because it's a half an hour from Miami and I'll never work the Miami Improv ever again.
02:48:15.000 So I'm just terrified because it's right there.
02:48:17.000 It's a half an hour away. 0.99
02:48:18.000 It's the only place where I was on stage in the middle of a show, and people were so dumb. 0.90
02:48:24.000 Like, I had some joke where I brought up the word Oscar De La Hoya, like, brought up his name. 0.99
02:48:28.000 And so, all of a sudden, this fucking war broke out in the crowd. 1.00
02:48:32.000 No, fuck you, man! 1.00
02:48:34.000 Sugar Shane Mosley! 1.00
02:48:35.000 Fuck Mosley! 1.00
02:48:37.000 And they started going back and forth and yelling out at the top like it's a cafeteria. 1.00
02:48:41.000 Sure.
02:48:41.000 Like, who's the most badass boxer?
02:48:44.000 And it went on for like 30 seconds.
02:48:45.000 So these guys were yelling back, standing up, doing these things with their hands, yelling at them.
02:48:49.000 And I just had fun.
02:48:51.000 I said, I'm never coming here again.
02:48:52.000 That's great.
02:48:52.000 I was there and a woman's hair caught on fire and she vomited.
02:48:55.000 Nice.
02:48:56.000 In what order?
02:48:57.000 What's that?
02:48:58.000 Hair first, vomit second.
02:49:00.000 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of the show.
02:49:02.000 So, West Palm Beach Improv 28, 29, and 30th.
02:49:05.000 You know all that Twitter details.
02:49:07.000 I have a lot of Twitter followers as a result of this.
02:49:09.000 Do you?
02:49:10.000 Powerful.
02:49:11.000 Add me, Redband. 1.00
02:49:12.000 I did, I did.
02:49:14.000 He's talking to all the people out there in the world. 0.99
02:49:15.000 I need to get past Taylor fucking Vixen. 1.00
02:49:18.000 Shh, Brian. 0.99
02:49:19.000 I can say that name.
02:49:20.000 If you say it three times, she'll show up.
02:49:22.000 Oh, no.
02:49:23.000 Candyman, Candyman.
02:49:25.000 Oh, no, you didn't.
02:49:26.000 And on that note, folks, we'll see you next week.
02:49:29.000 Ari Shafir will be joining us on Tuesday, and we'll see if we can get Brian Posehn or someone on Thursday.
02:49:37.000 And that's it.
02:49:38.000 Holla at your boy. 0.81
02:49:39.000 See ya. 1.00
02:49:39.000 Love you, bitches. 1.00
02:49:49.000 You could've told me to run a lap around the world. 1.00
02:49:56.000 All that time I was hypnotized while you were behind my back.
02:50:04.000 Now my mind keeps me up all night.
02:50:08.000 Why'd you have to save my life like that?