Comedian Ralphie mae comes on the pod to talk about his time on Saturday Night Live, his love of The Office, and why he doesn t like smoking pot. He also talks about how he got into pot and how he's been trying to get back into it. We also talk about the time he almost got into a fight with Steven Seagal while high, and how it almost led to him getting into trouble with the NYPD. The pod is hosted by John Rocha ( ) and Matt Knost ( ), and produced by Mike Wendlandt ( ). Special thanks to our sponsor, Vevolution, for sponsoring this episode. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. Mix by Skandalous. Cover art by Ian Dorsch. Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to stay up to date with the latest happenings in comedy and stand-up comedy and tell us what you think of the show! Subscribe and comment in Apple Podcasts! Subscribe to our new podcast Podchaser. Subscribe on iTunes Learn more about your ad choices. Rate, review, and subscribe to our podcast! Rate and review our new show on Apple Podcast and become a supporter! Thank you for supporting our sponsorships! If you like the show, please consider supporting us by becoming a patron! and leaving us a review on iTunes, rating and reviewing our podcast on your favorite streaming platform! We'll be looking out for you! in the next episode! next week for a chance to win tickets to our next episode to a new episode to come out there! Thanks and a review! we'll be giving you a shoutout next week, and we'll send you a review and a shout out on the next one next week! at and more in next week's episode will be out on Tuesday, next week will be an ad-free version of this week's Monday, the next Monday, February 10/19th, the 27/27th, 9/27/28th and the next Tuesday, the 6/9th, 7/27, next Wednesday, the 7/7th, and so on is the next day, so rest of the week, etc. Thanks forever, bye! bye, bye, love, bye.
00:01:37.000here I can hear me a little bit yeah yeah now I hear me oh yeah I think we were supposed to be on this one we don't know what the fuck we're doing I got a new desk and I'm very excited.
00:02:15.000I like the long, I'm flying to Miami, I'm going to pass out in the middle and have to rewind and figure out how the fuck a monkey can hold...
00:02:22.000How is everyone on this show so fucking smart?
00:02:25.000I never thought Ralphie was that smart.
00:03:21.000I fell in love with Duncan and saw him on a plane and went back to where he was sitting and could not stop talking to him about getting back into weed.
00:03:29.000I'm really trying to get back into weed.
00:05:10.000Speaking of Vietnam, I saw a really interesting documentary, or a piece rather, it was a very short clip about, they were talking about how marijuana, it was changed war, and how Vietnam was the first war where the soldiers were smoking marijuana and they became reluctant to fight.
00:05:24.000And it was all about the mentality of the soldiers just completely changed when they were in Southeast Asia.
00:05:28.000And they were smoking weed, and they could smell the Viet Cong smoking weed, like over the hill.
00:05:33.000Like they were like close enough to each other to smell each other's weed.
00:05:37.000Yeah, and one guy was talking about how there was one time where he was high and he had seen this Vietnamese, this Viet Cong soldier and he knew that that guy was high too.
00:05:45.000It's like they looked at each other and they knew they were high.
00:05:49.000And they knew they didn't even know each other, and they're gonna shoot each other because, you know, some fucking people in an office somewhere say that this is how it's supposed to go down.
00:05:56.000But those Vietnam guys were the first generation to hear stories about war.
00:06:06.000And they didn't know that you could fix it.
00:06:08.000They just thought, well, that's what happened to my life.
00:06:10.000I was 18 and it just switched, and now I'll drink beer in the garage by myself.
00:06:13.000Well, they don't know what to fix it with.
00:06:14.000Even though what they're doing now, they're really taking the long way around.
00:06:18.000What they really should be doing is giving these soldiers, the ones that want to do something about post-traumatic stress disorder, I mean, you shouldn't impose it on them, but giving them Ibogaine.
00:06:27.000Ibogaine and ayahuasca are two of the most potent psychedelic mixtures, and they're responsible for so many different people getting off of heroin, getting over the past...
00:06:47.000What it does is it lets them know what really happened.
00:06:50.000It lets them see it from an emotional perspective, why there's this big gigantic hole in them that freaks out whenever they think about the past and freaks out and relives all these moments.
00:07:00.000And you can go over it, especially with Ibogaine.
00:07:02.000I've heard so many different stories about it.
00:07:04.000And also with MDMA. You know, MDMA, which is ecstasy.
00:07:08.000I would love to do some therapy with that.
00:07:16.000I did it once, and that was it for me, but I learned a lot, man.
00:07:20.000I learned a lot about, like, insecurities.
00:07:22.000But anyway, the point is about soldiers, like, you know, and people that are addicted.
00:07:27.000There's people that have, like, problems with heroin, problems with alcohol.
00:07:30.000They can fix all that shit with Ibogaine.
00:07:32.000Geraldo, right, said, like, in one of his lowest points, took a bunch of acid because he said that he heard that that would fix his problems.
00:07:44.000They used to give it to alcoholics, right?
00:07:46.000Yeah, but I think acid also just freaks people out so much.
00:07:50.000Like, when it wears you off, it's like so...
00:07:54.000Someone described it as abrasively introspective, that just like so freaks you out that it might be too much for someone who has like an addiction.
00:08:04.000Anything that's enlightening, anything that allows you to step back and look at it, but it has to also jive with your biochemistry.
00:08:10.000You can say everything enlightening, but what if you're that one weirdo that's allergic to peanuts and you know you can't even drink Diet Coke or you get splitting headaches.
00:08:17.000Are there people that are allergic to weed, like, physically?
00:09:23.000That shit's kind of fucked up because I've worked in so many kitchens before where easily there could be peanut in something and then just be a dumb waitress that didn't know.
00:09:32.000Or you're making a salad and a peanut flies into something.
00:09:36.000It just seems like that's just Thai food, like Pad Thai, peanut sauce and shit.
00:09:41.000A lady in front of me was allergic to shellfish on the flight yesterday, coming back from D.C. And they gave her shrimp and put it in front of her, and she flipped out.
00:09:50.000She was like, I can't have it around me.
00:11:08.000Sounds like something a 13-year-old would tell you.
00:11:09.000So could you walk through like a pet store if you just didn't touch anything or have you ever done that just like because you're feeling dangerous on a Saturday?
00:11:39.000And the doctor, we sat down with an allergist one time, and he's like, so here's the deal, the cat cannot be in the room with him, or one night he might die.
00:15:35.000It's so unfortunate that you've got people that are willing to do literally anything for their country, like Pat Tillman type people who really are true heroes.
00:15:43.000And then you look at what they get used for.
00:16:28.000There's like a hundred different fucking dudes with a hundred different, you know, harems and, you know, they're rocking one part of the country and holding it down.
00:16:35.000And, you know, the best way they get information from these dudes, the way they communicate with these dudes, they give them Viagra.
00:16:43.000Viagra, because they can't fuck their wives anymore, so it's hard to hold this harem.
00:16:46.000It's hard to be a warlord when your dick doesn't work anymore.
00:16:48.000So they're giving them Viagra, and now these 60-year-old dudes who were just trying to hang on and keep the young bucks at bay, now they can bone again, so they can get some credibility.
00:16:59.000You can't have 18 hot young wives and not fuck any of them.
00:17:02.000Someone's going to fuck one of those bitches.
00:17:05.000You're going to have to shoot some young males or something.
00:17:07.000You're going to have to prove your dominance.
00:17:09.000Wouldn't you, if you had gotten fucked in the ass as a child, wouldn't you say, I'm in this way I am, I'd be like, well, I didn't enjoy that, so I'm not going to do it to somebody else.
00:17:17.000Well, that's a rational, logical way of thinking it, but apparently...
00:17:21.000What happens to some people's minds when something traumatic happens to them is their mind gets rewired in a very, very unhealthy way.
00:17:28.000And somehow or another, when people are molested, some folks have an urge to do the exact same thing that happened to them to someone else.
00:17:36.000Almost like they're reliving their pain and their tragedy and reintroducing it to another person to try to understand it or something.
00:23:05.000And she goes, yeah, he was working for, um, for circuit city when they were going out of business and he stole one of the trucks filled with a bunch of equipment and I was like really And she goes, yeah.
00:23:40.000You know, there's no way to fix that guy.
00:23:42.000When you're 15, 16 years old or whatever, and all of a sudden you're going to high school and you're hanging out with this kid who you know is completely insane.
00:23:48.000Yeah, and it's a small neighborhood, like eight boys.
00:24:44.000By the way, speaking of finger their asshole...
00:24:46.000I saw a clip online of your show where you went to the Gracie Academy in Torrance, and you were talking about defense, and you said, oh, I'll just grab their balls and figure their asshole, and Horian just stone-faced you, and the way you held it, dude, was so funny.
00:25:03.000You held it just staring at him for, like, fucking ten seconds, man, when it was like no one said anything, and then it's like, okay, let's go learn some techniques, some arm locks and some joint locks and some jokes.
00:25:19.000Because you know what it's like to die.
00:25:21.000You know what it's like to be totally helpless and your windpipe to close and your blood to stop and you fight it just like you see in the movies where you go, no, no, no, no.
00:27:31.000What do you do if you get out there and you start talking shit to a dude and a dude just holds his hands up real natural and starts bouncing around on his toes?
00:30:13.000If I want to talk to somebody, I'll go to you, you know, type of attitude.
00:30:18.000It's funny when you see those people that hand out things on the streets, you know, like flyers or people trying to get you to sign things when you walk into the grocery store.
00:30:26.000I watch them go, hey, to every person and I get up and they don't say a word to me.
00:30:33.000Because I purposely sent out a vibe to be like, don't talk to me.
00:30:37.000Yeah, I'm not happy when they get me in the parking lot of the supermarket when I'm trying to put my groceries into the truck.
00:36:39.000Even when I was knocking out grown men in sparring and...
00:36:43.000You know, and then, you know, having fucking wars in the gym, I would still run into bullies and, you know, kids that I knew that were like bullies and I'd be scared of them.
00:37:45.000But anyway, so we would draw a bunch of different ones.
00:37:48.000So there was like all these kind of like $5 bill, $10 bill, $20 bills, different kind of currencies of bullies with dicks and cocks and stuff like that.
00:38:19.000So you'd put them in urinals all over the country, just me with my mouth open so people could piss in my mouth.
00:38:24.000I was like, everyone would fucking talk about those, and, like, I thought it would, like, spread like wildfire, and they looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind.
00:38:32.000I'm fairly confident I would never have come up with that idea.
00:38:36.000If you saw one in a bar, would you not bring it up?
00:38:38.000I would never want anybody pissing in a symbolic mouth of mine.
00:38:41.000Because I don't want to give anybody that idea.
00:38:43.000I don't want dudes to go, you have none after we piss in his mouth.
00:38:51.000You jerk off in his hair and I'm going to shit on his chest.
00:38:54.000I don't want to open up the door for anything degrading.
00:38:57.000It wasn't flushed out, but I thought it would be one of those marketing geniuses.
00:39:03.000You would want to give people something that everybody wants and needs and doesn't really have on them.
00:39:08.000Like if you want to give them lighters.
00:39:10.000You know, or something like that, with Burt the Conqueror lighters, or give them something they're going to use, so they're going to enjoy the fact that, oh, I got this from Burt the Conqueror, like a keychain?
00:42:30.000Oh, I found a fucking ingrown hair under my arm one time, and because I just hung out with Schimmel, I was like, I got fucking non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
00:43:56.000So I'm going on Facebook one day and I click on it.
00:43:59.000And the thing, his post is, doctors say, it looks like I'll keep my leg.
00:44:04.000And now I'm like, what the fuck, right?
00:44:07.000So I go to his page, and I start clicking back, older posts, to find out what happened.
00:44:12.000So I go back two weeks later, and it starts like he's at the Dayton Funny Bone, and he's like, yeah, so I got a weird bite on my leg last night.
00:45:16.000Well, this is what you've got to make sure.
00:45:18.000When you ever get any sort of scratch, there's a company called Defense Soap that has a bunch of different salves and all these different things.
00:45:27.000And they're all natural oils that kill any funky infections.
00:45:30.000But any open wound, any open scratch, you've got to clean that.
00:45:34.000It has to be cleaned and you have to make sure you put something on it.
00:45:38.000You know, these ointments and salves, they're all natural.
00:45:41.000It's all like eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil.
00:45:57.000I know a dude who got one in his elbow and his elbow was fucked up.
00:46:01.000He got it in jujitsu, didn't know what it was, hurt him, didn't do anything for a while, and by the time he went to a doctor, you know, he's a tough guy, he's an Australian dude, by the time he went to a doctor, it's too late, he had this giant hole in his arm, because his arm had swollen up this monstrous looking thing that's twice the size of a normal elbow.
00:49:59.000If I go on stage, I know that it's the second show.
00:50:01.000By the time I get off stage, Joey's gone.
00:50:04.000I got off stage, I'm saying bye to the staff, thank you everybody, blah blah blah, gathering all my shit, and I see Joey sitting in a chair.
00:50:19.000The whole time he was sitting there watching you, Joe, when you're on stage, sweating, like, hand going like a thousand miles a moment, just sweating.
00:50:26.000He would look at me and get those eyes.
00:50:28.000You know, he's, like, looking at you like a...
00:50:30.000The point being, these motherfuckers and their cookies, man, they were too strong.
00:50:33.000Ari ate, they had these, what are those called, biscottis?
00:51:06.000It really brings up your past and you start thinking about all kinds of weird shit about your childhood and things that you did that you were upset that you did to someone when you were like seven.
00:51:15.000You just start really tripping out about weird shit.
00:52:16.000Like you've entered into an alien world.
00:52:17.000You look at the world around you, the mechanical world like airplanes and pilots and stewardesses and cars and trolleys and you look at all that shit.
00:52:26.000And the mechanical interfacing, you become super aware of it all.
00:52:31.000Because there's a world all around you that you've totally taken for granted that is completely bizarre.
00:52:37.000The world of you climbing into a metal box with these squishy rubber tires connected to this hard pavement that they've created and molded over the earth.
00:52:46.000And you're in this box, and while this is happening, The giant fucking nuclear explosion that lights everything up, and you're spinning around it, going a million miles an hour through the fucking universe.
00:53:46.000I think we should appreciate the moment, but we should be aware that it's temporary.
00:53:50.000And to deny it and just to put it in the back, that's not helping you.
00:53:54.000Because then when the pot comes on and you get super paranoid about that, what you're super paranoid about is about something you haven't really addressed in your own mind.
00:54:19.000This world that we live in, if we didn't live in this world, we were some sort of an empty, rational, objective being, you know, that was like looking at human culture.
00:54:30.000We would say this is the, this way to live is the craziest thing ever.
00:54:34.000That's why if I ever get really rich, I'm moving to Idaho, I'm buying a mountain, I'm making a huge rock sculpture of myself with paintings carved into the mountain of what I did, like real outrageous stories, because that's the only thing that's going to be left.
00:54:52.000You're going to go make Pharaoh, Pharaoh Kreischer.
01:00:45.000And he's, like, kind of waving and not knowing how to respond, and we're just, like, letting, you know, we know you're a crook, but go ahead, go get it!
01:00:51.000Did you hear how he got his, uh, his...
01:03:23.000Man, what is it like putting your fucking body on the line like that all the time?
01:03:28.000I was young, and I was in, and I just was like, and that was the theme of entertainment at the time, was that like, Jackass, I had done this ass wax in like 2000 that had blown up before Jackass.
01:04:55.000It was the Wild West of reality television.
01:04:58.000Because what was huge at the time is fear factor, right?
01:05:00.000Everyone's eating shit and jumping out of shit and like crazy.
01:05:03.000And so it was this next level stuff where you didn't know you could just host something and be charming and people would stick around for that.
01:05:09.000You just had to take it to the next level.
01:08:24.000So why is it somebody with such anxiety?
01:08:26.000It seems like you have a lot of anxiety and stuff that do all these crazy shows because you also do a show where you ride the craziest roller coasters and you do all these intense things, but it seems like you wouldn't.
01:08:36.000It seems like you'd be cooking shows or something.
01:09:06.000And we were talking bullshit and one of the producers came in and they're like, so here are the questions we were going to ask Joe and Gary's like, fuck that.
01:12:26.000And he goes, he was just talking about a shitty show on television that they give to a younger comic because he has some heat generated behind him.
01:13:33.000And then he just emailed me now and then, like, how you doing, baby girl?
01:13:38.000Stan Hope called me up the other day, pie-eyed drunk.
01:13:41.000He called me, and I tried to, like, I realized, like, right when we started talking, you know, he wanted to talk, I wanted to, he got an altercation with Janine Garofalo on the green room, Paul Provenza's green room, so I wanted to hear, like, his version.
01:14:34.000Apparently, Garofalo, on her first set after 9-11, Went on stage at the Laugh Stop in Houston, and according to Stanhope, what she said is that everybody should just back the fuck off, and Noam Chomsky should back the fuck off and leave George Bush alone, because this is obviously a crazy situation, and the guy's doing the best he can.
01:14:53.000And Stanhope was saying that he was very disappointed because he went to see her expecting some really biting social commentary.
01:15:00.000Stanhope was doing this bit about 9-11 that he was really sticking his neck out there.
01:15:05.000He was like, I guess your God takes Tuesday off.
01:15:09.000He was doing this thing about all these people praying for God and how this came through in spite of all these people, this religious fervor.
01:15:17.000And he had this big anti-war thing that he was working on.
01:15:44.000It was a really crazy conversation because Doug and I, we have these conversations where, you know, we'll talk like every few months and it's like, okay, where are you at?
01:15:56.000And then when we're talking, it's like, you know, this doesn't make sense and that doesn't make sense and then what happens and, you know, what's the point in even concentrating on any of this?
01:16:05.000And we'll have like these weird conversations, you know, where we're just trying to like, how much have you been trying to figure out in life in the last three months since we last talked?
01:16:11.000And then we try to like figure out, you know, if either one of us has come to any conclusions that make you happy.
01:16:17.000And in the middle of this, he goes, is there anything, is there anything that gives you hope?
01:16:22.000Is there anything that gives you hope?
01:16:25.000And I was just sitting there going, wow, what a strange conversation.
01:17:14.000I watched that Jesse Ventura show, and I don't know if he's telling the truth or if it's real.
01:17:18.000But if it is real, what he said on that conspiracy show is fucking terrifying.
01:17:24.000Rumsfeld had a press conference the day before the 9-11 attacks where they said that some insane amount of money in the trillions was missing and they couldn't account for it and they were working on it.
01:17:33.000And then the next day, the Pentagon gets hit in the exact same spot where the accounting offices are, where all that information was stored.
01:17:55.000And then when you tell me that the money was unaccounted for, And they smash this plane or missile, if you listen to some people, into the exact offices.
01:18:29.000You know, the United States government was involved, and you can't say they weren't involved.
01:18:33.000You've got to look at it and go, what did happen?
01:18:35.000You would have to go back in time and watch it all – you would have to watch every single aspect of it play out in front of your own eyes to really be truly sure.
01:19:10.000They would say, well, there's an engine malfunction and that's it.
01:19:13.000You know, if they could find a way to avoid any sort of information getting out like that, because first of all, people are going to freak out about something that most likely with 300 million people in this country, most likely is not going to affect you.
01:19:26.000And by the way, we're immune to those isolated instances, but they happen every fucking day all over the world in these places where we're supposed to be liberating.
01:21:28.000And we're having this little conversation.
01:21:30.000I'm looking at this incredibly cute little two and a half year old person who's talking to me that I am just, I love more than anybody I've ever loved ever.
01:21:38.000And I'm having this weird little conversation with her about salmon.
01:22:07.000If you've done it and you have that opinion, then I would like to talk to you about it because I think it's strange that you would have that opinion if you've actually done mushrooms.
01:22:57.000And you almost have this look to your friends like, don't worry.
01:23:01.000When you get saved, you'll figure it out.
01:23:03.000Sort of, but it's also tremendous responsibility where I just felt like a massive growth and maturity and pragmatic way of looking at things just kicked into seven gears higher.
01:23:22.000I really believe that just like when a healthy bird leaves the nest, you talk to kids that are like 30 that still live at home, they're fucked up.
01:24:17.000But for me at least, I think having a child kicked my whole being into another level.
01:24:24.000I went from being a guy who hung out at the Hollywood Improv Drinking Until the bar closed to literally the week my daughter was born, being on the road every single fucking week.
01:24:35.000Like, taking feature sets for no money, just because I knew that I'd get better and better.
01:27:05.000And he's like, you know, there's like 400 people at the bottom waiting for you to jump.
01:27:09.000I was like, Andy's like, there's like 200 behind you right now.
01:27:12.000He goes, dude, it's going to be much easier to jump than to tell 600 people and the mayor who's waiting for you with a shot of tequila that you're not jumping.
01:27:20.000The mayor was waiting for you with a shot of tequila?
01:27:23.000I was the first person to jump on the ride.
01:28:45.000And I've got my producer, Lonnie, is like in the background with my script going like, I need you to say, I'm here in Las Vegas on the top of the strip.
01:28:53.000And I'm like, and I just start going, fuck you, Lonnie.
01:31:57.000Well, that's something you were saying, too.
01:31:58.000Yeah, that's what you were saying when you were talking about comedy intervention, like getting someone and taking someone and making them super clean and realizing there's so much money out there in that.
01:33:15.000But that joke, when you do something about your children fingering their ass, that takes all the parents that went to see a clean show and puts everyone at the same level and goes, oh, that shit does happen.
01:33:26.000So then once their brains get reset for that, then they go, okay, all this shit does happen.
01:35:36.000I love, dude, if I had a videotape of every experience I've had with black people in an audience, I would be the most famous comic in the world.
01:36:35.000But I'm like, Ray, I go, I think you might want to get off stage because I can guarantee you they're calling the cops right now and I don't want you to go to jail for just showing your dick.
01:37:50.000I was like fucking and then and then they all waited for me out at the bar and they were like, dude, we're taking you out and I was like, I don't know This doesn't end this way But I was in my like I want to be Dave Attell phase Hardcore and I was like, I'm fucking going out with these guys.
01:38:05.000It's having this experience I went in one time to do radio and Miami's my crazy club like I go in and I do the fucking morning pimp show and they happen to have this You do the improv in Miami all the time?
01:39:29.000But I know the one thing I do in these stations, I bring a bottle of tequila in, and then I get everyone drunk, and then I just take my shirt off and we go fucking crazy.
01:39:36.000When you do press, you always bring in tequila?
01:39:51.000Because all anyone's doing is driving to work wishing they were drinking, and then they hear you drinking, and all the rules go out the door, and every show lets you stay on until fucking 11. That's awesome.
01:40:02.000It's been like a little trick I've done.
01:40:04.000Wow, but what do you feel like for the rest of the day?
01:41:03.000And like 15 minutes in, they walk on stage, like, matte just deep with their fucking bottle of tequila, and they're like, we're drinking this on stage right now.
01:41:12.000And I'm like, holy shit, and DJ Laz comes up, and we all just fucking...
01:41:50.000Those guys fucking, like, those people, like, when you get done a show, you know who the big comics are, and you know who the ones that people don't go see are.
01:42:23.000I've got to stop because there's comics I've talked shit about a lot, a lot, that just came up to me and they're like, dude, I'm a big fan.
01:43:28.000Comics, for some reason, have this weird thing where they think that if someone else is being successful, Somehow or another, it keeps them from being successful.
01:45:21.000So you were preparing yourself in case you- In case I go in and he literally does the typical Opie throw a chest set at me, fucks with me, ruins me, tries to make me look like a fool.
01:45:33.000He doesn't really do that to comics, though.
01:46:32.000I went to see him when I was an open-miker at Catch a Rising Star in New York.
01:46:35.000And he really influenced me a lot early in my career to the point where I caught myself a couple times on stage when I was really young when I was sounding just like him.
01:46:44.000I was like, boo, I gotta fucking make sure I don't...
01:46:46.000I mean, I sound like I'm ripping him off.
01:47:36.000Someone says, he says something, and now we're going to go over there and look for, this is right after 9-11, now they want to tell us to go over there and look for weapons of mass destruction?
01:48:19.000And it made me realize, like, man, that's something that's really present in amateurish comics, where they will touch on a subject and then immediately have a quick joke and then immediately go to another subject.
01:56:21.000And that quiet, you don't even know what quiet is until you get outside in the middle of a blizzard.
01:56:27.000When the blizzard's over and everything's covered in snow, like three feet of snow in Boston, I would go outside and you could hear like...
01:56:38.000Like the quiet has like a sound to it.
02:00:10.000Babylon And right now everyone in the crowd's fucking humping And I'm like everyone raise a beer We're pounding a beer right now!
02:00:23.000And then the whole fucking room lifts a beer, we pound it, and then right there, you just increased the entire bar staff, the bar bill for the club by five bucks.
02:00:31.000How many dudes are going to slide into trees on the way home, though?
02:00:34.000My cousin fell down a flight of stairs.
02:01:31.000So I bring this black guy on stage, and I'm like, and I try to guess what job he did.
02:01:36.000And then I used to have a great one where I bring a black guy, a Latino on stage, and I go, I'm going to say it the way I say it, you say it the way you say it.
02:01:43.000And then I go, I would like to take you on a date.
02:01:46.000And then the Latino guy would be like, mommy, mommy, mommy.
02:01:49.000And then the black guy would be like, can a player get some conversation?
02:05:01.000Like this is, and I give this to any comic listening if you ever need to do this, because sometimes you get that reputation and then you go to a club and they're like, listen, we got a marriage.
02:05:29.000Get him on stage, and then you tell the girl, we're going to play a game.
02:05:32.000We're going to blindfold you, and you're going to have to feel our chests, just our chests, and tell which one's your husband and which one's me.
02:05:39.000And then she's like, okay, so you blindfold her, right?
02:05:54.000And it's such an easy way to get out of that.
02:05:57.000Because a lot of times when you're a young comic, the manager will just be like, they give me 500 bucks, just make sure he proposes to her.
02:06:02.000So if you're a comic and you ever get stuck in that situation, feel free to use it.
02:06:54.000That's like a three-headliner combo there.
02:06:56.000And then next weekend, not this one coming up, but next weekend I'm at the West Palm Beach Improv, the 28th, 29th, and 30th, and that is also...
02:07:42.000And so then, one night, Tracy Morgan comes in.
02:07:45.000This is when he's starting to get back into stand-up after SNL. So, like, when you were a young comic and a new celebrity came in, you, like, had to see that shit.
02:07:56.000He's doing observational material, and his observational material is like, all right, yeah, okay, okay, who remembers finger-fucking-by-the-handball courts?
02:08:07.000And you And he thinks that's a shared experience, like losing a sock in the dryer.
02:08:11.000And then he walks you through and he's like, you put that bitch up against the wall and just pussy pop that bitch.
02:08:19.000And now you have a visualization of Precious getting boxed out at a handball court, making eye contact with passerby, just getting her pussy blown out by Tracy Morgan.
02:08:30.000But then he comes on stage, and he's like, fucking, yeah, I'll hit that, man.
02:08:35.000I got this new bit about my dick being so pretty, you can suck it with the lights on.
02:08:40.000Which is a genius statement, because I've never had a blowjob in the light, but he just didn't word it right, right?
02:08:48.000My dick is so pretty, you can suck it with the lights on.
02:08:56.000So then he goes, hey, you want to get high?
02:08:58.000And I was like, yeah, because I'm a grown-up.
02:09:00.000And so we walk around the corner, and he pulls out this rack of a joint, hands it to me, hits it, gives it to me, I hit it, and it tastes like shit.
02:13:26.000PCP is something that you would probably tell the person, even if you were a PCP user.
02:13:31.000And I think here's the thing, Tracy's got that, like, I would say, that, like, prison mentality of, like, he'd rather fuck with you than really fuck you up.