The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #73 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:12.000 The Joe Rogan Experience

00:00:18.000 The Joe Rogan Experience I never knew.

00:00:50.000 I never knew how to start.

00:00:52.000 I don't hear anything, Brian.

00:00:54.000 You don't hear anything?

00:00:55.000 I don't hear myself at all.

00:00:59.000 Hello?

00:01:00.000 Do we have technical issues?

00:01:01.000 I don't hear myself either.

00:01:02.000 Yeah.

00:01:04.000 I hear you guys.

00:01:05.000 Yeah, we hear you, dude.

00:01:07.000 We hear you, but we don't hear ourselves.

00:01:08.000 You just did something.

00:01:09.000 You're turning it up.

00:01:10.000 Hello?

00:01:10.000 What'd you just do?

00:01:11.000 Your volume is down.

00:01:12.000 Oh, why do I look at that first?

00:01:14.000 That doesn't make sense.

00:01:15.000 Well, because no one plays with that, right?

00:01:17.000 Dude, the cats. 0.99

00:01:18.000 The cats get in here and start whacking shit around. 0.99

00:01:21.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:01:21.000 Tell me when it's good. 0.99

00:01:22.000 They don't like it when we kick them out.

00:01:23.000 I can't hear me at all.

00:01:24.000 Can you hear me?

00:01:25.000 I can hear you.

00:01:26.000 Oh, you're probably using the wrong headphones.

00:01:27.000 Is there another pair?

00:01:28.000 Talk into that, man.

00:01:28.000 Wait a minute.

00:01:29.000 Talk into that.

00:01:29.000 Can you hear me right now?

00:01:30.000 Not very well.

00:01:32.000 Try it again.

00:01:33.000 Right now?

00:01:34.000 Hello?

00:01:34.000 Right now?

00:01:35.000 Yeah.

00:01:36.000 I can't really hear. 0.91

00:01:37.000 here I can hear me a little bit yeah yeah now I hear me oh yeah I think we were supposed to be on this one we don't know what the fuck we're doing I got a new desk and I'm very excited. 0.81

00:01:51.000 But I'm also very excited. 0.99

00:01:52.000 Burt Kreischer's in the motherfucking house, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

00:01:54.000 Give it up for Burt Kreischer. 0.99

00:01:55.000 Am I the first real fan of the show to come on the show?

00:01:58.000 For Shizzle.

00:01:59.000 I don't know.

00:02:00.000 Sort of?

00:02:01.000 No.

00:02:01.000 Because I listen to every single one.

00:02:03.000 Oh, thanks, man.

00:02:04.000 That's awesome.

00:02:04.000 It's the best way.

00:02:05.000 Anyone I saw on a chat board, someone's like, there should only be an hour.

00:02:09.000 I could use them for four hours.

00:02:10.000 Well, some people like it if it's only an hour, but then just listen to an hour of it.

00:02:14.000 Shut it off. 1.00

00:02:15.000 I like the long, I'm flying to Miami, I'm going to pass out in the middle and have to rewind and figure out how the fuck a monkey can hold... 1.00

00:02:22.000 How is everyone on this show so fucking smart? 0.99

00:02:25.000 I never thought Ralphie was that smart. 0.98

00:02:27.000 Like, just hanging out with him?

00:02:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:02:29.000 Ralphie's, you know, if you've got to put out that much material, I mean, Ralphie Mae's got hours and hours of shit. 0.99

00:02:34.000 You know, a guy like that, you've got to be intelligent. 0.99

00:02:37.000 You've got to be intelligent to be a comic. 1.00

00:02:38.000 Yeah, but some people are smart as shit. 0.99

00:02:40.000 What is going on with the sound, Brian? 0.99

00:02:41.000 Everything is echoing.

00:02:42.000 It's really loud.

00:02:45.000 Hello?

00:02:46.000 Do I need to be closer?

00:02:46.000 Hello?

00:02:47.000 I don't know.

00:02:48.000 Like this?

00:02:48.000 This is all very different than yesterday.

00:02:51.000 It's Bert Krescher. 1.00

00:02:51.000 He's a fucking robot. 1.00

00:02:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:53.000 His voice doesn't work like normal human voices.

00:02:55.000 Hmm.

00:02:56.000 We good now?

00:02:57.000 I think so.

00:02:58.000 Maybe we're stoned.

00:02:58.000 Okay.

00:03:00.000 Well, that's definitely the case.

00:03:00.000 Yeah.

00:03:02.000 It's the vaporizer.

00:03:03.000 It gives you a different high.

00:03:04.000 A little different.

00:03:05.000 A little more intense.

00:03:05.000 I've been going vaporizer lately, ladies and gentlemen.

00:03:07.000 Cutting out the metal man.

00:03:08.000 Going straight to the THC. You know, the conversations we have, that's one of the most fun things about it.

00:03:14.000 I mean, we always had these conversations, like, especially Duncan and I. We would have hours and hours of super-baked conversation.

00:03:20.000 And Brian Callen, too.

00:03:21.000 I fell in love with Duncan and saw him on a plane and went back to where he was sitting and could not stop talking to him about getting back into weed.

00:03:29.000 I'm really trying to get back into weed.

00:03:30.000 It's just, I don't...

00:03:31.000 Sounds like you're trying to take yoga.

00:03:33.000 My wife and my sisters had an intervention, and they were like, listen, you're drinking way too much.

00:03:37.000 And I was like, okay.

00:03:37.000 Right.

00:03:38.000 And they're like, we got you a bag of Afghani Kush.

00:03:41.000 Like, start there.

00:03:43.000 And then I did, and I got rookie bait.

00:03:43.000 Right.

00:03:46.000 That happened to me once.

00:03:47.000 I got really scared once, because I'd gotten upset at myself for making fun of Steven Seagal.

00:03:54.000 This is how high I was.

00:03:56.000 I was so high.

00:03:56.000 I called Eddie Bravo.

00:03:58.000 I was super baked paranoid.

00:04:00.000 And I'm like, what am I going to fight Steven Seagal if I see him?

00:04:03.000 I don't even really care about him.

00:04:04.000 Why am I being so mean when I'm making fun of him?

00:04:06.000 Because I was making fun of him relentlessly and brutally.

00:04:10.000 And then I thought about it while I was super baked.

00:04:11.000 I was like, what if I met that guy?

00:04:13.000 Two things. 1.00

00:04:13.000 First of all, I'd probably be nice to him, which is the most hypocritical shit ever. 1.00

00:04:17.000 And second of all, I would probably feel terrible for being so mean and making bad jokes. 0.99

00:04:23.000 Fleshlight.

00:04:23.000 Yeah.

00:04:24.000 Let me see this bitch so bad. 1.00

00:04:26.000 This is the alien one. 1.00

00:04:28.000 You haven't come in this, right?

00:04:29.000 No, no one has.

00:04:30.000 No one has.

00:04:31.000 I know that's a joke you like to play on Friends.

00:04:33.000 That's Brian.

00:04:34.000 He doesn't run these fleshlights.

00:04:37.000 These are in my possession.

00:04:38.000 It's pretty awesome. 0.96

00:04:39.000 Ridiculous. 0.98

00:04:40.000 It's really good for shooting loads into. 0.59

00:04:43.000 And if you go to JoeRogan.net and you click the link and you put in Rogan, you get 15% off the podcast or off the fleshlight.

00:04:51.000 Here's how you clean it.

00:04:52.000 Have you seen this part?

00:04:53.000 Unscrew the bottom.

00:04:53.000 No.

00:04:54.000 You just dump it out?

00:04:55.000 No, you unscrew the top and put the faucet on the top.

00:04:58.000 So it just shoots it right through.

00:04:58.000 Yeah.

00:05:00.000 Yeah.

00:05:00.000 That's it.

00:05:01.000 I might leave it in.

00:05:02.000 Just leave the loads in there.

00:05:03.000 Pretend I'm in Vietnam.

00:05:04.000 Wow.

00:05:05.000 Having like a real moment with my flashlight.

00:05:07.000 Have a conversation with her.

00:05:09.000 Really long.

00:05:09.000 Long day.

00:05:10.000 Speaking of Vietnam, I saw a really interesting documentary, or a piece rather, it was a very short clip about, they were talking about how marijuana, it was changed war, and how Vietnam was the first war where the soldiers were smoking marijuana and they became reluctant to fight.

00:05:24.000 And it was all about the mentality of the soldiers just completely changed when they were in Southeast Asia.

00:05:28.000 And they were smoking weed, and they could smell the Viet Cong smoking weed, like over the hill. 0.97

00:05:33.000 Like they were like close enough to each other to smell each other's weed. 0.99

00:05:36.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:05:36.000 Shit. 1.00

00:05:37.000 Yeah, and one guy was talking about how there was one time where he was high and he had seen this Vietnamese, this Viet Cong soldier and he knew that that guy was high too. 1.00

00:05:45.000 It's like they looked at each other and they knew they were high. 0.96

00:05:49.000 And they knew they didn't even know each other, and they're gonna shoot each other because, you know, some fucking people in an office somewhere say that this is how it's supposed to go down. 0.97

00:05:56.000 But those Vietnam guys were the first generation to hear stories about war. 0.98

00:05:59.000 Yeah.

00:06:00.000 Because their dads came back. 1.00

00:06:01.000 My grandfather came back from World War II and was fucked up. 1.00

00:06:05.000 Like, fucked up. 1.00

00:06:06.000 And they didn't know that you could fix it. 0.99

00:06:08.000 They just thought, well, that's what happened to my life.

00:06:10.000 I was 18 and it just switched, and now I'll drink beer in the garage by myself.

00:06:13.000 Well, they don't know what to fix it with.

00:06:14.000 Even though what they're doing now, they're really taking the long way around.

00:06:18.000 What they really should be doing is giving these soldiers, the ones that want to do something about post-traumatic stress disorder, I mean, you shouldn't impose it on them, but giving them Ibogaine.

00:06:27.000 Ibogaine and ayahuasca are two of the most potent psychedelic mixtures, and they're responsible for so many different people getting off of heroin, getting over the past...

00:06:39.000 Yes!

00:06:40.000 Dude, it's like...

00:06:41.000 Conversations with God, man.

00:06:42.000 It seems like that would be the worst thing possible to give somebody that's not in touch with reality, you know?

00:06:47.000 No, no, no.

00:06:47.000 What it does is it lets them know what really happened.

00:06:50.000 It lets them see it from an emotional perspective, why there's this big gigantic hole in them that freaks out whenever they think about the past and freaks out and relives all these moments.

00:07:00.000 And you can go over it, especially with Ibogaine.

00:07:02.000 I've heard so many different stories about it.

00:07:04.000 And also with MDMA. You know, MDMA, which is ecstasy.

00:07:08.000 I would love to do some therapy with that.

00:07:10.000 That was the idea. 0.99

00:07:11.000 That was the funnest drug when you didn't know it would fuck you up. 0.99

00:07:13.000 Well, it does fuck you up, though. 0.99

00:07:13.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:07:15.000 That's why I won't do it.

00:07:16.000 I did it once, and that was it for me, but I learned a lot, man.

00:07:20.000 I learned a lot about, like, insecurities.

00:07:22.000 But anyway, the point is about soldiers, like, you know, and people that are addicted.

00:07:27.000 There's people that have, like, problems with heroin, problems with alcohol. 0.98

00:07:30.000 They can fix all that shit with Ibogaine. 0.98

00:07:32.000 Geraldo, right, said, like, in one of his lowest points, took a bunch of acid because he said that he heard that that would fix his problems. 1.00

00:07:40.000 And he said it didn't.

00:07:41.000 Well, acid's not known for that.

00:07:43.000 Well, it is kind of self-observing.

00:07:43.000 I mean, acid...

00:07:44.000 They used to give it to alcoholics, right?

00:07:46.000 Yeah, but I think acid also just freaks people out so much.

00:07:50.000 Like, when it wears you off, it's like so...

00:07:54.000 Someone described it as abrasively introspective, that just like so freaks you out that it might be too much for someone who has like an addiction.

00:08:02.000 Mushrooms, I think, are good.

00:08:03.000 Mushrooms are good.

00:08:04.000 Anything that's enlightening, anything that allows you to step back and look at it, but it has to also jive with your biochemistry.

00:08:10.000 You can say everything enlightening, but what if you're that one weirdo that's allergic to peanuts and you know you can't even drink Diet Coke or you get splitting headaches.

00:08:17.000 Are there people that are allergic to weed, like, physically?

00:08:19.000 Sure, there must be.

00:08:20.000 There's people that are allergic to everything, I would think.

00:08:22.000 A lot of people that have, like, smoking allergies in general.

00:08:26.000 Yeah, but if that's the case, are they allergic to it?

00:08:28.000 They eat it?

00:08:29.000 Or what about vaporizing?

00:08:32.000 Vaporizing still has smoke in it.

00:08:33.000 I don't care what people say.

00:08:35.000 It doesn't get hot enough to smoke.

00:08:35.000 It's mist.

00:08:36.000 That's the whole deal.

00:08:37.000 But you still cough from it.

00:08:38.000 I don't cough from it. 1.00

00:08:39.000 You coughed yesterday from it, because I remember going, you're going to be really fucked, man. 0.99

00:08:44.000 No, I think so, Brian. 0.99

00:08:45.000 I think you're attaching that moment, that memory, to some other time.

00:08:50.000 Demetri Martin's allergic to alcohol.

00:08:52.000 Yeah, and peanuts.

00:08:52.000 Really?

00:08:53.000 I shouldn't say this.

00:08:55.000 You could be really mean and throw something else in there. 1.00

00:08:58.000 It's allergic to pussy. 1.00

00:09:00.000 You know, you say something stupid there. 1.00

00:09:01.000 I don't even know the dude. 1.00

00:09:02.000 There was an opening right there.

00:09:04.000 He's a regular.

00:09:05.000 Yeah.

00:09:05.000 Is he?

00:09:05.000 And he's allergic to alcohol.

00:09:07.000 And peanuts.

00:09:07.000 So what happens when he drinks?

00:09:08.000 Oh, he breaks out.

00:09:09.000 If you throw a peanut on his face, his face will swell up.

00:09:10.000 Wow, that's crazy. 1.00

00:09:11.000 Talk about fucking being helpless on stage. 1.00

00:09:14.000 Peanuts, man. 1.00

00:09:14.000 Someone doesn't like your show and just flicks a peanut at you? 1.00

00:09:16.000 Does he know?

00:09:17.000 He knows.

00:09:18.000 I mean, now people know.

00:09:19.000 Now people. 1.00

00:09:20.000 I just fucked him up. 0.99

00:09:21.000 People are going to be throwing peanuts at him. 1.00

00:09:21.000 You just fucked him up, man. 1.00

00:09:23.000 That shit's kind of fucked up because I've worked in so many kitchens before where easily there could be peanut in something and then just be a dumb waitress that didn't know. 1.00

00:09:32.000 Or you're making a salad and a peanut flies into something. 1.00

00:09:36.000 It just seems like that's just Thai food, like Pad Thai, peanut sauce and shit. 0.96

00:09:41.000 A lady in front of me was allergic to shellfish on the flight yesterday, coming back from D.C. And they gave her shrimp and put it in front of her, and she flipped out. 1.00

00:09:50.000 She was like, I can't have it around me.

00:09:51.000 I can't even be around it. 0.99

00:09:53.000 And I was like, if we have to land this fucking pain because this chick can't eat shellfish. 1.00

00:09:58.000 Whoa. 0.99

00:09:59.000 She was freaking that bad?

00:10:00.000 She was freaking out pretty bad.

00:10:01.000 People do, though, because that's her... 1.00

00:10:02.000 Think about that.

00:10:03.000 That's your windpipe.

00:10:04.000 Like, I'm allergic to gerbils, right?

00:10:05.000 Right, and people wouldn't recognize it enough.

00:10:07.000 Bad. 0.99

00:10:08.000 Fucking bad. 0.99

00:10:08.000 Gerbils? 0.99

00:10:09.000 Your ass swell up and stuff? 1.00

00:10:10.000 No, my wife, my kids got, at her school, they got a gerbil. 1.00

00:10:13.000 And so my wife was playing with the gerbil one morning and then washed her hands, got in the car, grabbed the steering wheel. 1.00

00:10:18.000 I went to take my sister to the airport, grabbed the steering wheel.

00:10:21.000 My eyes shut.

00:10:22.000 This part, you know this part of your eye?

00:10:24.000 That lining part?

00:10:25.000 Swole up over my eyes.

00:10:27.000 Okay?

00:10:27.000 I started, water's coming out of my eyes and it's burning lines down my face.

00:10:32.000 My windpipe closes up and I'm just like... 0.68

00:10:34.000 But I don't know what's happening at the time because I'm like, I just fucking sat in a car. 0.99

00:10:38.000 I'm like, oh shit, this is a stroke. 0.99

00:10:40.000 Something's going down. 1.00

00:10:41.000 I call my wife and then I start thinking, did she fucking play with the gerbil? 0.98

00:10:45.000 I just asked out of the blue. 0.99

00:10:46.000 She was like, but I washed my hands. 1.00

00:10:48.000 And I was like, fucking. 1.00

00:10:50.000 Wow. 1.00

00:10:50.000 Oh my God. 1.00

00:10:51.000 Can you believe that's how I washed my hands?

00:10:53.000 Nah, right you did. 1.00

00:10:55.000 Fuck you did. 1.00

00:10:56.000 You didn't wash your hands. 1.00

00:10:57.000 You didn't wash your fucking hands. 1.00

00:10:59.000 Trying to make up for it. 1.00

00:11:02.000 Revisionist history, motherfucker. 1.00

00:11:04.000 Yeah, but I washed my hands. 1.00

00:11:05.000 Oh, that's nonsense.

00:11:06.000 That's craziness. 0.99

00:11:08.000 Sounds like something a 13-year-old would tell you.

00:11:09.000 So could you walk through like a pet store if you just didn't touch anything or have you ever done that just like because you're feeling dangerous on a Saturday? 1.00

00:11:15.000 Fuck no. 1.00

00:11:16.000 That is so crazy. 1.00

00:11:17.000 So anybody that has a gerbil in their hand and touched the doorknob, you could touch that and it would just jack you? 1.00

00:11:21.000 That seems fucked up. 0.98

00:11:23.000 I'm legit to cats, but my wife has a cat, so I live with it, so I've gotten over the allergy. 0.99

00:11:28.000 Wow, that must have been crazy in the beginning of the relationship, huh? 1.00

00:11:31.000 Fucking talk about swallowing your pride and fucking deciding, my life is less important than dating this chick. 1.00

00:11:38.000 Wow. 1.00

00:11:39.000 And the doctor, we sat down with an allergist one time, and he's like, so here's the deal, the cat cannot be in the room with him, or one night he might die. 0.99

00:11:47.000 And the cat is fucking there. 0.99

00:11:47.000 Whoa! 0.99

00:11:49.000 And your wife's like, but I love the cat! 1.00

00:11:51.000 She tried.

00:11:52.000 She tried, but she'd hear the cat clawing under the door.

00:11:55.000 And she wanted to let him in, let him sleep in the bed.

00:11:56.000 She's known the cat longer than me.

00:11:57.000 I'm like four months in.

00:11:59.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:11:59.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:12:00.000 It was just destructive. 1.00

00:12:02.000 Yeah.

00:12:03.000 You got chose over a cat. 1.00

00:12:04.000 I might have to kill that cat. 0.99

00:12:06.000 Dude, the cat, she called one night when we were moving an apartment. 1.00

00:12:06.000 Damn. 1.00

00:12:09.000 She was like, we can't find Gus Gus. 0.99

00:12:11.000 And I was like...

00:12:12.000 Oh, that's too bad.

00:12:13.000 I was like, sweet!

00:12:14.000 And then I came home.

00:12:16.000 Gus, Gus.

00:12:16.000 For like a day we couldn't find this cat, right?

00:12:18.000 And then my daughters are getting upset because they're like, Daddy, Gus, Gus, he's hungry. 0.98

00:12:22.000 I'm like, he's a fucking straight cat he can find for himself. 0.97

00:12:25.000 So then I go into the old apartment to look for him and I hear him. 0.99

00:12:28.000 He's in the fucking dryer. 0.99

00:12:30.000 Oh, no. 1.00

00:12:31.000 So you turned it on?

00:12:32.000 Part of me is like, there's a moment where you have to make the call.

00:12:35.000 Do I just not say anything and just leave? 0.99

00:12:37.000 Like in those fucking movies where you just go... 1.00

00:12:40.000 And just walk by. 1.00

00:12:42.000 Or do I rescue the cat and deal with my allergies? 0.99

00:12:44.000 And I'm like, I can't fucking kill an animal. 0.99

00:12:46.000 I can't let an animal die on my watch. 0.99

00:12:48.000 Yeah, not like that either. 1.00

00:12:50.000 If you're gonna kill it, at least stomp on its head. 1.00

00:12:52.000 And punch it or something. 1.00

00:12:53.000 Yeah, kill it quick. 1.00

00:12:54.000 Don't let it kill it. 1.00

00:12:55.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:12:55.000 My cat, when I was in high school, my dad accidentally threw the cat in the dryer. 1.00

00:13:01.000 Yeah, I didn't know.

00:13:01.000 Really?

00:13:02.000 The cat had gone to sleep in the hammock, or in the hamper, because there was warm clothes in the hamper.

00:13:09.000 No, no, no, that's not the story.

00:13:11.000 The story was, I guess he went to sleep in the dryer.

00:13:14.000 Whatever. 1.00

00:13:15.000 Somehow or another, the cat got in the fucking dryer by accident. 0.99

00:13:17.000 And my dad heard all this... 0.99

00:13:19.000 And he opened it once and looked, and the cat was out.

00:13:24.000 And the cat didn't move, so he was like, well, I guess nothing's in here.

00:13:27.000 And so he shut it again, and again...

00:13:29.000 And after a couple of minutes of this, man, then he opens it up, and the cat comes out screeching, and one of his teeth was broken off.

00:13:37.000 And my father felt so bad.

00:13:40.000 He felt awful.

00:13:41.000 It was just such a bad scene, you know?

00:13:43.000 The cat lived, though. 0.96

00:13:44.000 That's a shitty story. 0.96

00:13:45.000 Cat lived. 0.98

00:13:45.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:13:47.000 With one fucked up tooth. 1.00

00:13:48.000 He always had this one fucked up tooth that reminded you of like, no wonder this cat's crazy. 0.99

00:13:53.000 Imagine one day you wake up and you're in blackness and you're falling on metal every half a second. 0.99

00:13:59.000 You're just getting beat over the head. 0.94

00:14:01.000 Someone's just beating the fuck out of you and you're flipping through the air. 0.99

00:14:05.000 What a crazy way to wake up. 0.99

00:14:06.000 Inside a dryer. 1.00

00:14:07.000 And then to survive that after minutes and minutes in that fucking dryer. 0.99

00:14:11.000 I had a buddy who passed out and fell into a pool, and that was a terrifying way to wake up. 0.99

00:14:14.000 That cat needed ibogaine.

00:14:16.000 Yeah, I was just gonna say, why don't you heal that cat with some psychedelics?

00:14:16.000 That cat needs ibogaine.

00:14:19.000 I know.

00:14:20.000 Heal that cat with some ecstasy.

00:14:22.000 By the way, don't listen to anything I say.

00:14:24.000 Don't take anything I tell you to take.

00:14:26.000 Stop it.

00:14:27.000 Don't listen. 1.00

00:14:28.000 I am just a fucking comedian, alright? 1.00

00:14:30.000 I am not qualified to be diagnosing life-changing chemicals to any of you fucking freaks. 0.99

00:14:34.000 A lot of those guys that come back, like my cousin... 1.00

00:14:38.000 They're fucking fearless. 0.98

00:14:39.000 From the war? 0.99

00:14:40.000 You can't faze these dudes. 1.00

00:14:42.000 Yeah, once you watch a bunch of people shoot at you and you shoot at them and kill people. 1.00

00:14:46.000 And then you've got some fucking frat boy telling you he's going to knock your teeth in at a bar. 1.00

00:14:50.000 And you watch my cousin not give a shit. 1.00

00:14:53.000 Literally just go, like he got wasted this weekend and fell down a flight of stairs and split his head open. 0.99

00:14:59.000 And all his buddies are like, he's fine.

00:15:02.000 I'm like, dude, he has a head injury. 0.98

00:15:03.000 He fell down fucking at the DC Improv down those stairs. 0.98

00:15:06.000 I've never been to DC Improv. 1.00

00:15:07.000 It's like a fucking slippery, icy stairs. 0.99

00:15:10.000 And they were like, he's fine. 1.00

00:15:10.000 Wow. 1.00

00:15:12.000 Don't call a fucking ambulance. 1.00

00:15:12.000 He's fine. 1.00

00:15:13.000 Just, Johnny, you're gonna be fine.

00:15:15.000 And then he starts throwing up because he has a concussion all over the place.

00:15:15.000 Johnny, you're gonna be fine.

00:15:18.000 That's not good.

00:15:19.000 I'm like, we're calling an ambulance. 0.99

00:15:20.000 I don't give a shit. 1.00

00:15:21.000 But they're fucking, you just can't fade these kids, man. 1.00

00:15:23.000 That's a new generation coming back here. 1.00

00:15:25.000 Toughing it up.

00:15:26.000 Now, coming back here after those experiences, hundreds of thousands of them, right?

00:15:26.000 Yeah.

00:15:30.000 God, oh, standards are going to change.

00:15:32.000 It's so unfortunate.

00:15:35.000 It's so unfortunate that you've got people that are willing to do literally anything for their country, like Pat Tillman type people who really are true heroes.

00:15:43.000 And then you look at what they get used for.

00:15:46.000 You look at how chaotic. 1.00

00:15:47.000 You talk to any soldier that comes back from Afghanistan, they'll tell you it's fucked. 1.00

00:15:50.000 There's fucking chaos over there. 1.00

00:15:51.000 No one thinks you could fix that place. 1.00

00:15:53.000 That place is bananas. 1.00

00:15:54.000 It's fucked. 1.00

00:15:55.000 It's fucking warlords, man. 1.00

00:15:57.000 They're like Michael Vick's dogs. 1.00

00:15:58.000 Like, you just gotta fucking... 1.00

00:16:00.000 And another thing is, they fuck boys over there like on a regular basis. 1.00

00:16:00.000 Crazy. 1.00

00:16:05.000 It's like, there's a weird culture over there where there's a lot of like men who take in like little young boys. 1.00

00:16:12.000 Like, they fuck them like on a regular basis. 0.99

00:16:14.000 It's like a natural part of their culture. 1.00

00:16:16.000 It's so common and so prevalent.

00:16:18.000 Like, everything over there is so alien to us.

00:16:20.000 There's like one city in the whole country and the rest of the country is just like warlords.

00:16:27.000 It's like you can't control it. 0.97

00:16:28.000 There's like a hundred different fucking dudes with a hundred different, you know, harems and, you know, they're rocking one part of the country and holding it down. 0.98

00:16:35.000 And, you know, the best way they get information from these dudes, the way they communicate with these dudes, they give them Viagra. 0.98

00:16:41.000 That's what the American soldiers do. 1.00

00:16:43.000 Viagra, because they can't fuck their wives anymore, so it's hard to hold this harem. 1.00

00:16:46.000 It's hard to be a warlord when your dick doesn't work anymore. 1.00

00:16:48.000 So they're giving them Viagra, and now these 60-year-old dudes who were just trying to hang on and keep the young bucks at bay, now they can bone again, so they can get some credibility. 1.00

00:16:59.000 You can't have 18 hot young wives and not fuck any of them. 1.00

00:17:02.000 Someone's going to fuck one of those bitches. 1.00

00:17:04.000 That's what's going to happen. 1.00

00:17:05.000 You're going to have to shoot some young males or something. 0.99

00:17:07.000 You're going to have to prove your dominance. 1.00

00:17:09.000 Wouldn't you, if you had gotten fucked in the ass as a child, wouldn't you say, I'm in this way I am, I'd be like, well, I didn't enjoy that, so I'm not going to do it to somebody else. 1.00

00:17:17.000 Well, that's a rational, logical way of thinking it, but apparently... 0.99

00:17:21.000 What happens to some people's minds when something traumatic happens to them is their mind gets rewired in a very, very unhealthy way.

00:17:28.000 And somehow or another, when people are molested, some folks have an urge to do the exact same thing that happened to them to someone else.

00:17:36.000 Almost like they're reliving their pain and their tragedy and reintroducing it to another person to try to understand it or something.

00:17:43.000 It becomes an addiction to them.

00:17:45.000 It becomes very, very sick. 0.97

00:17:47.000 I heard of women sometimes that get raped. 1.00

00:17:50.000 Stay date-raped, try to fuck the same guy over again to try to like make sure it was okay. 1.00

00:17:55.000 And then a lot of times those guys don't want to be in that situation again because they know they did the bad thing. 1.00

00:17:59.000 So then they veer away from it and then that fucking ruins the woman that got date-raped. 1.00

00:18:04.000 That's horrible. 1.00

00:18:05.000 Man, I hate psychological shit. 1.00

00:18:06.000 The way your brain tries to fix things is insane. 1.00

00:18:09.000 It is insane.

00:18:10.000 I think that's why I drink.

00:18:11.000 That's why bullying is so dangerous.

00:18:12.000 You know, when you hear about kids at school getting stuffed into lockers and then wind up committing suicide. 0.99

00:18:18.000 Some kid recently, fuck, this story was so crazy. 0.99

00:18:21.000 I don't know the full details of it. 0.99

00:18:23.000 It was something someone told me, but some 14-year-old kid, there was a bunch of kids that were out on some little event.

00:18:28.000 This kid climbs to the top of ten stories, breaks a window and jumps out in front of everybody. 0.99

00:18:34.000 So they're all on there on some fucking vacation or some school trip or some shit. 0.99

00:18:38.000 This kid smashes a window and just skydives into the pavement in front of the whole class. 1.00

00:18:44.000 Shit. 1.00

00:18:44.000 No, were you bullied at all? 1.00

00:18:46.000 Yeah, I was bullied.

00:18:47.000 Yeah, that's how I got into martial arts.

00:18:48.000 Yeah, I think almost every comedian is bullied.

00:18:48.000 Really?

00:18:50.000 But for me, first of all, I was little.

00:18:52.000 I wasn't a big guy.

00:18:53.000 And I moved around a lot.

00:18:55.000 When my family was seven, we moved from New Jersey to California, and then California to Florida.

00:19:01.000 So it's like I never really stayed long enough to make good friends.

00:19:05.000 I would live in one place.

00:19:06.000 And even California, we lived in one street.

00:19:08.000 And the next year we lived, you know, halfway across town.

00:19:11.000 And then, you know, in Florida we moved a couple of times.

00:19:13.000 It's like, man, I just never really had a chance to make, like, long-lasting friends.

00:19:18.000 I went to an all-boys Catholic high school.

00:19:19.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:19:20.000 That was just torture.

00:19:21.000 And then I was, like, the funny guy to my friends. 0.99

00:19:25.000 So the older dudes would just fuck you up. 0.98

00:19:27.000 And it wasn't even, like, bullying. 0.99

00:19:28.000 It was just beating you up.

00:19:28.000 Wow.

00:19:29.000 It was just like, you just got...

00:19:30.000 You knew...

00:19:31.000 I got beaten up one time.

00:19:32.000 This guy on the baseball team, Freddy Rosella. 1.00

00:19:36.000 I'll give you shit. 1.00

00:19:36.000 I'll say his name. 1.00

00:19:37.000 He's still a beast. 1.00

00:19:37.000 Fuck that dude. 1.00

00:19:39.000 He was a beast when we were all fucking children. 1.00

00:19:41.000 He had ball hair. 1.00

00:19:43.000 He was a monster. 1.00

00:19:45.000 Damn. 1.00

00:19:46.000 That's a little kid with a beard. 1.00

00:19:48.000 Dude, the guy was shaving in like eighth grade.

00:19:50.000 I mean, he was a monster and his arms were huge.

00:19:53.000 And he was the captain of our baseball team.

00:19:55.000 And I was like a junior, sophomore. 0.95

00:19:57.000 And I was making a joke and he said, Kreischer, shut your face. 0.65

00:20:01.000 So I went, that's a joke.

00:20:03.000 And then he did not get that.

00:20:04.000 And then he went to go fight me.

00:20:06.000 And then I was like, but then they broke it up.

00:20:07.000 Wow.

00:20:08.000 So then we get done.

00:20:09.000 He goes into the dugout and I'm playing catch with my buddies, Joe and Troy and Dean and warming up.

00:20:14.000 And we see him walking out, and we're walking in.

00:20:16.000 They're like, oh, Freddie gets upset sometimes.

00:20:17.000 But he's just coming to apologize.

00:20:19.000 Look, he's got a bat.

00:20:20.000 He's probably had enough to do the batting practice, and he's just going to say sorry.

00:20:23.000 So I was like, okay, don't worry, I got this one.

00:20:25.000 So I have a glove in hand, ball in the other hand.

00:20:27.000 I'm like, hey, Freddie. 0.91

00:20:28.000 And then he just, with the baseball bat, just starts beating the shit out of him. 0.63

00:20:32.000 My three friends got on and they couldn't pull this guy off of me. 0.53

00:20:36.000 I never let go of the ball.

00:20:38.000 I'm just like...

00:20:39.000 And then, of course, I just go to crying.

00:20:42.000 I was still a young boy.

00:20:45.000 And then he beat me up and the coach was in there.

00:20:48.000 And we both played left field together.

00:20:51.000 So I had to go out and sit in left field with him after that.

00:20:53.000 Whoa.

00:20:54.000 But those things, that's why I think women... 1.00

00:20:56.000 How do you get past that moment and run by him again when this guy beat the shit out of you? 0.96

00:21:01.000 He came to see me at the Tampa Improv recently. 0.97

00:21:03.000 Are you serious?

00:21:05.000 Me and him probably never talked about it.

00:21:07.000 We were cool after that.

00:21:09.000 We played on the same team for a year after that, but he came to Tampa Improv.

00:21:13.000 He's like, what's up, man?

00:21:14.000 I was like, hey, how you doing?

00:21:16.000 But I'm still like gun shy.

00:21:18.000 Right.

00:21:19.000 You know Cowhead, the guy in Tampa radio show?

00:21:22.000 Okay, yeah. 0.91

00:21:22.000 Cowhead, I used to tell a story about getting in a fight with a black guy. 0.91

00:21:25.000 I did it on my hour special. 0.86

00:21:27.000 And it's a real story. 1.00

00:21:28.000 It's a true story about getting the shit kicked out of me by a black guy. 1.00

00:21:31.000 Cowhead looked him up and found the dude. 0.99

00:21:33.000 And was like, I'm bringing him in studio. 0.99

00:21:35.000 I was like, please don't fucking do that. 0.99

00:21:35.000 Oh my God. 0.99

00:21:37.000 I was praying the guy was dead. 0.86

00:21:39.000 And his daughter listens to the show or whatever. 1.00

00:21:42.000 I was like, fuck. 1.00

00:21:44.000 Because I've been telling jokes about this guy on stage for the past eight years. 1.00

00:21:48.000 There was this one dude that I went to high school with.

00:21:50.000 I don't even remember his name.

00:21:51.000 I think it was Kevin.

00:21:52.000 He was this black kid that was way bigger than everybody else.

00:21:55.000 He was like this football player.

00:21:56.000 I didn't really know him very well.

00:21:58.000 I knew his brother.

00:21:59.000 His brother was a nice guy.

00:22:00.000 But he was like a scary dude to me.

00:22:02.000 Just looked like a Mike Tyson looking dude. 0.52

00:22:04.000 And, you know, I remember, like, no one ever fucked with this kid, and everybody was always nervous.

00:22:04.000 Yeah.

00:22:09.000 But there was something about him where I'd be like, man, this guy just seems like, he just seems, like, too dangerous. 0.62

00:22:15.000 Like, there's something about him, like, that makes me fucking nervous. 0.74

00:22:18.000 Like, someone could be that much bigger than you when you're 16 years old. 0.98

00:22:21.000 That much bigger.

00:22:22.000 Turns out he wound up murdering somebody.

00:22:24.000 Wow.

00:22:25.000 Yeah.

00:22:26.000 We had one kid in our neighborhood. 1.00

00:22:28.000 Definitely won't say this guy's fucking name. 0.99

00:22:30.000 The one kid you knew was weird, but you didn't know how to... 0.99

00:22:34.000 Everyone would be like, who wants to go ride bikes? 0.99

00:22:37.000 And he's like, who dares me to go in the woods and put a stick in my ass? 1.00

00:22:39.000 Like that kind of kid. 1.00

00:22:40.000 Just crazy. 0.78

00:22:40.000 Right. 0.78

00:22:41.000 One night he was, he had the keys to his, this chick that lived in our neighborhood. 1.00

00:22:44.000 He had the keys to her house because his parents were watching their house.

00:22:46.000 And he's like, Hey, you want to go in her house and get weird?

00:22:48.000 And I was like, they're not here.

00:22:50.000 He's like, I know.

00:22:50.000 Come on.

00:22:51.000 I go in there and I cut the pussies out of their underwear. 1.00

00:22:51.000 I'll be fucking crazy. 1.00

00:22:55.000 And I was like, so my sister calls me like, like six months ago. 0.97

00:22:58.000 She's like, uh, you remember, uh, John.

00:23:01.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:23:02.000 She was like, he's in jail.

00:23:04.000 I go, really?

00:23:05.000 And she goes, yeah, he was working for, um, for circuit city when they were going out of business and he stole one of the trucks filled with a bunch of equipment and I was like really And she goes, yeah.

00:23:13.000 And they arrested him.

00:23:14.000 And then they fingerprinted him and found out he had been killing chicks down by the causeway.

00:23:17.000 Wow. 0.99

00:23:17.000 I was like, if you fucking said serial killer to me, I would have been... 0.99

00:23:22.000 If I was the guy next door, I'd be like, I fucking knew it. 0.99

00:23:26.000 I knew it. 0.99

00:23:27.000 I saw that coming. 1.00

00:23:28.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:23:29.000 How many girls did he kill? 1.00

00:23:30.000 But I was like...

00:23:30.000 I have no idea.

00:23:32.000 And I've looked for it online.

00:23:33.000 I can't find it online. 0.99

00:23:34.000 It's so hard when you run into someone who's completely fucking crazy. 0.99

00:23:39.000 It's like, what? 0.99

00:23:40.000 You know, there's no way to fix that guy.

00:23:42.000 When you're 15, 16 years old or whatever, and all of a sudden you're going to high school and you're hanging out with this kid who you know is completely insane.

00:23:48.000 Yeah, and it's a small neighborhood, like eight boys.

00:23:51.000 That's it.

00:23:51.000 Oh my God.

00:23:52.000 And we spent the night at this kid's house. 1.00

00:23:54.000 And like, just fuck! 1.00

00:23:56.000 And I'm like, holy shit! 1.00

00:23:59.000 I wonder when he started. 0.99

00:24:02.000 It starts young.

00:24:03.000 I remember him shooting a frog with a BB gun, and I remember him asking me to do it, and I couldn't do it.

00:24:07.000 I couldn't kill an animal.

00:24:08.000 I just couldn't in my head at that age.

00:24:11.000 But he was like, it's funny.

00:24:12.000 It's easy.

00:24:13.000 They don't move.

00:24:14.000 But I think you have to start.

00:24:17.000 It's got to start in college.

00:24:19.000 I wonder what it is, you know, because some people like Jeffrey Dahmer, they say there's nothing wrong with his upbringing.

00:24:24.000 You know, some people were abused when they were younger. 0.99

00:24:26.000 Some people have some, you know, various reasons for why they're so fucking crazy and psychotic. 0.95

00:24:30.000 But with Dahmer, Dahmer is one of those weird ones where they're like, there's nothing wrong with his childhood. 0.96

00:24:35.000 But what parents are going to be like, yeah, I did that.

00:24:38.000 Right.

00:24:38.000 Of course.

00:24:39.000 Dahmer's parents are going to be like, I fucking didn't know you're not supposed to finger their assholes. 1.00

00:24:39.000 Of course. 1.00

00:24:43.000 Right.

00:24:43.000 Every day.

00:24:44.000 By the way, speaking of finger their asshole... 0.99

00:24:46.000 I saw a clip online of your show where you went to the Gracie Academy in Torrance, and you were talking about defense, and you said, oh, I'll just grab their balls and figure their asshole, and Horian just stone-faced you, and the way you held it, dude, was so funny. 1.00

00:25:01.000 I was laughing out loud. 0.97

00:25:03.000 You held it just staring at him for, like, fucking ten seconds, man, when it was like no one said anything, and then it's like, okay, let's go learn some techniques, some arm locks and some joint locks and some jokes. 0.97

00:25:14.000 Dude, I got joked out. 0.98

00:25:15.000 That day? 0.96

00:25:16.000 It fucked me up for like a week. 0.68

00:25:16.000 I saw it. 0.68

00:25:19.000 Because you know what it's like to die.

00:25:21.000 You know what it's like to be totally helpless and your windpipe to close and your blood to stop and you fight it just like you see in the movies where you go, no, no, no, no.

00:25:32.000 It's very helpless.

00:25:34.000 Very helpless.

00:25:34.000 Especially with the Gi on, man.

00:25:36.000 When guys get collar chokes on you. 0.82

00:25:37.000 That's what he did.

00:25:38.000 He gave me, like, the collar thing.

00:25:39.000 Very hard to defend those. 0.97

00:25:40.000 And that's why I stopped fucking with dudes. 0.96

00:25:42.000 Because I realize now, everyone's a badass. 0.99

00:25:45.000 Everyone is...

00:25:47.000 I almost got in a fight.

00:25:48.000 I almost got in a fight recently.

00:25:50.000 Really?

00:25:51.000 Yeah.

00:25:51.000 Because I just was like...

00:25:53.000 My brain is...

00:25:55.000 No, I'm sober.

00:25:56.000 It was in the morning.

00:25:57.000 I was going to shoot something for Comedy Central and I needed a bathing suit.

00:26:01.000 So my sisters live on an apartment building below Starbucks.

00:26:05.000 So I fly in and I kind of block two spaces and they're just going to throw my bathing suit to me.

00:26:11.000 So they throw it and then as I pull out I realize I blocked it and this guy's pissed.

00:26:16.000 He's really pissed.

00:26:17.000 As I pull out, he zooms in, gets out of his car and starts yelling at me. 0.99

00:26:20.000 Now, I've been in a lot of fistfights, so I do come from that kind of mentality of, like, talk shit and let's... 0.98

00:26:26.000 That's my mentality at the time. 0.99

00:26:28.000 So I said... 1.00

00:26:30.000 Talk shit and let's fight? 1.00

00:26:31.000 I'll fight. 1.00

00:26:32.000 Really?

00:26:33.000 You just ready to fight some dude?

00:26:34.000 No, no, no.

00:26:34.000 Not now.

00:26:35.000 Not now.

00:26:35.000 How long ago was this?

00:26:36.000 This was like three years ago.

00:26:39.000 Oh, okay.

00:26:39.000 You're a different guy now.

00:26:40.000 Very.

00:26:41.000 Yeah, right.

00:26:41.000 This moment, and then the moment happened the next day.

00:26:44.000 So then he yells at me, and I rolled out my window, and I yelled at him.

00:26:47.000 I go, I was just trying to get my bathing suit. 0.98

00:26:49.000 Like, that's going to fucking... 0.97

00:26:51.000 Like, he's going to go, oh, I didn't know. 0.99

00:26:52.000 Go ahead.

00:26:53.000 But I was like, that was my defense. 1.00

00:26:54.000 I'm just getting my fucking bathing suit. 0.99

00:26:55.000 I wasn't... 1.00

00:26:56.000 Being a dick. 1.00

00:26:57.000 And then he goes, fuck you, learn how to drive. 1.00

00:26:59.000 And so I get out of the car. 1.00

00:27:00.000 And then I stand up and I come out here.

00:27:01.000 I stand out of the car and I go, come out here and be a man. 1.00

00:27:03.000 Prove you're a fucking man. 1.00

00:27:04.000 Oh, no, you didn't. 1.00

00:27:05.000 Why would you do that? 1.00

00:27:06.000 Oh, my God, you're crazy. 1.00

00:27:07.000 At a fucking Starbucks. 1.00

00:27:09.000 Now everyone's like... 1.00

00:27:10.000 Do you know how to fight at all?

00:27:11.000 No, but I know, yeah, I know how to...

00:27:13.000 And this was L.A., right?

00:27:14.000 This is L.A. Wait a minute.

00:27:16.000 Do you have martial arts training?

00:27:18.000 None whatsoever.

00:27:18.000 You don't know how to box?

00:27:19.000 You never wrestled?

00:27:20.000 Never boxed, never wrestled.

00:27:21.000 No sparring?

00:27:22.000 Just fistfights in college. 0.99

00:27:23.000 Goddamn, dude, what are you doing? 1.00

00:27:24.000 Are you crazy? 1.00

00:27:25.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:27:26.000 And it was at that moment that I realized if he walked out, I would have to fistfight.

00:27:29.000 Right, and what if he's good? 0.98

00:27:31.000 What do you do if you get out there and you start talking shit to a dude and a dude just holds his hands up real natural and starts bouncing around on his toes? 0.98

00:27:38.000 I get my car and drive away. 1.00

00:27:39.000 Or he just pulls out a gun and shoots you. 0.99

00:27:41.000 This is LA. That too. 0.99

00:27:43.000 But it's that moment that you need.

00:27:45.000 You need that one moment where you go, alright, that's never going to happen again. 0.99

00:27:45.000 It might be your ass first. 0.99

00:27:49.000 Why have unnecessary conflict? 1.00

00:27:53.000 That's an unnecessary moment.

00:27:55.000 That's like just management right there.

00:27:57.000 That's management of stress and emotions.

00:27:59.000 Because really, you don't even know this guy.

00:28:00.000 If that was you, what if you had done this and the guy who you cut off was like your best friend? 0.99

00:28:06.000 And, you know, you cut him off and you're like, fuck, I can't believe I cut Mike off. 0.99

00:28:10.000 You know, Mike's my best friend. 0.99

00:28:11.000 You know, your interaction with this guy is all based on, you know, this conflict that you're having.

00:28:17.000 But those thoughts don't go through your mind.

00:28:19.000 No, no, no.

00:28:20.000 But you can rewire your brain to try to think like that.

00:28:22.000 Was he driving a Prius?

00:28:23.000 No, he was driving a teal BMW. Prius is a douchebag. 0.96

00:28:26.000 Yeah, I was going to say, I might have done it if I saw a Prius. 0.97

00:28:29.000 He had a teal BMW. I told you I'm on an eight-eight count.

00:28:32.000 Eight so far.

00:28:32.000 I've seen eight Priuses flick cigarettes out their windows.

00:28:36.000 Eight.

00:28:36.000 That's crazy.

00:28:37.000 It's amazing.

00:28:38.000 I started noticing it in San Francisco. 0.87

00:28:39.000 I'm like, why do I keep seeing these eco-cunts throwing cigarettes out their window? 0.96

00:28:44.000 They have some weird justification.

00:28:47.000 Well, you could also think that you could just own a Prius because you want to save money on gas. 1.00

00:28:49.000 You don't give a shit about fucking... 1.00

00:28:51.000 I swear to God I unplugged this fucking cunty phone. 1.00

00:28:54.000 Eh, it's funny now. 0.99

00:28:55.000 It's not funny, dude.

00:29:00.000 Call from what?

00:29:00.000 What?

00:29:01.000 Planned Parenthood, Joe.

00:29:03.000 Planned Parenthood?

00:29:06.000 John Mendoza, it sounds like.

00:29:08.000 How do you hear Planned Parenthood?

00:29:10.000 I'm always thinking Planned Parenthood, you know?

00:29:14.000 If anybody should, you should.

00:29:16.000 Great place to pick up chicks. 1.00

00:29:17.000 It's the subway right underneath the Planned Parenthood.

00:29:20.000 Get a bunch of sad girls. 1.00

00:29:21.000 So what were we talking about before we got caught up?

00:29:23.000 Yeah, don't go and get an advice, man.

00:29:25.000 I mean, it's like a total hippie thing to say, well, look at that guy as if he's your brother and treat him as such. 0.61

00:29:29.000 But, you know, a lot of shit can be avoided just with, like, cool talking to people. 1.00

00:29:35.000 Shit that could just turn your whole life into ugliness. 1.00

00:29:37.000 Oh, dude. 1.00

00:29:38.000 One fucking... 1.00

00:29:39.000 I knew a guy in college that punched a dude one time and killed him. 1.00

00:29:42.000 He fell back on a thing.

00:29:44.000 Kevin James went to...

00:29:45.000 He was a bouncer for a while, and he was a bouncer with this dude.

00:29:48.000 And a fight broke out between some drunks.

00:29:50.000 Something happened.

00:29:51.000 Bouncer punched this kid.

00:29:52.000 The kid fell unconscious and banged his head off the curb and died. 1.00

00:29:56.000 The bouncer was a fucking college kid. 1.00

00:29:58.000 He's trying to make some money. 1.00

00:29:59.000 All of a sudden, he's in jail for, like, years.

00:30:01.000 You know? 1.00

00:30:02.000 It's, like, some serious shit. 0.99

00:30:03.000 He got charged with manslaughter. 0.99

00:30:04.000 I think that's a lot of the reason why I wear hats and sunglasses so much, and I always look at the ground.

00:30:09.000 Because, especially out here, I don't want...

00:30:09.000 I'm never...

00:30:12.000 I don't care.

00:30:12.000 I don't need to talk to anybody.

00:30:13.000 If I want to talk to somebody, I'll go to you, you know, type of attitude.

00:30:18.000 It's funny when you see those people that hand out things on the streets, you know, like flyers or people trying to get you to sign things when you walk into the grocery store.

00:30:26.000 I watch them go, hey, to every person and I get up and they don't say a word to me.

00:30:33.000 Because I purposely sent out a vibe to be like, don't talk to me.

00:30:37.000 Yeah, I'm not happy when they get me in the parking lot of the supermarket when I'm trying to put my groceries into the truck.

00:30:43.000 Yeah.

00:30:43.000 You know, what are you doing?

00:30:44.000 This guy comes up to me with his one finger up in the air, okay?

00:30:48.000 Holding it up in the air, like above his head, and he points it at me and he goes, do you have one minute for gay rights?

00:30:54.000 No.

00:30:54.000 Do you have one minute for gay rights?

00:30:56.000 We're talking about lesbo rights. 1.00

00:30:57.000 And I was like, dude, I'm going to my fucking car. 0.99

00:31:00.000 Get out of here. 1.00

00:31:01.000 This is nonsense.

00:31:02.000 And I have one minute for you. 0.98

00:31:04.000 This ain't about gay rights, man. 1.00

00:31:05.000 You're not going to fix gay rights by me giving you a dollar or by me giving you my fucking email address. 0.99

00:31:10.000 That's not going to fix gay rights. 0.99

00:31:11.000 What's going to fix gay rights is voting and people learning how to be nice to each other and not being prejudiced. 0.99

00:31:16.000 Not some fucking weirdo who accosts you in a parking lot with a finger in your face. 0.99

00:31:20.000 Do you have one minute for gay rights? 1.00

00:31:22.000 He's just so pronouncedly, offensively gay. 1.00

00:31:26.000 You know, with his finger in my face. 0.98

00:31:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:31:29.000 Gay guys just fucking hate me. 1.00

00:31:32.000 Why? 1.00

00:31:32.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:31:33.000 They see me and I think they just look at me and they're like, fucking that guy was a nightmare in high school. 1.00

00:31:36.000 Think you're homophobic? 1.00

00:31:37.000 Oh, in a heartbeat.

00:31:38.000 I'm the furthest thing from homophobic.

00:31:40.000 I think you look like a decent bear, you know?

00:31:42.000 I do.

00:31:43.000 A decent bear. 1.00

00:31:44.000 Bears, for the folks at home that are innocent, is what a hairy, overweight gay man is. 1.00

00:31:49.000 A bear. 0.99

00:31:50.000 That's what they call them.

00:31:52.000 And now a bunch of people are looking at this going, oh, that is right.

00:31:55.000 Do you have chest hair?

00:31:56.000 Yeah, a little bit. 0.95

00:31:57.000 This show got so gay right there. 1.00

00:31:59.000 Both you two, you just almost kissed. 1.00

00:32:01.000 Have you ever seen a gay porn? 1.00

00:32:02.000 Yes, accidentally. 0.99

00:32:03.000 Accidentally?

00:32:04.000 Me too, and I watched it for 45 minutes. 1.00

00:32:06.000 I've seen a bunch of shit on my website. 0.97

00:32:08.000 There's always stuff, but one time I picked up this girl in Long Island and we went back to her place. 0.98

00:32:13.000 And she said, there's this video that's here that was here when I moved in.

00:32:18.000 I think it's porn.

00:32:19.000 And I go, oh yeah?

00:32:20.000 And so she throws it in, and it's these two dudes in the woods.

00:32:24.000 And one dude's got his back against a tree, and the other dude is looking at him.

00:32:27.000 I'm like, why is he looking at him like that? 0.99

00:32:29.000 And I'm like, I didn't know it was a gay porn. 0.99

00:32:31.000 I thought it was a porn. 0.98

00:32:33.000 We're putting a lot of backstory in this.

00:32:35.000 And I'm like, yeah, man, this is going to be a strange story.

00:32:37.000 I never did like the story ones.

00:32:39.000 I like the clips.

00:32:40.000 Just cut right to the bone.

00:32:41.000 And I don't need to know that you're a pizza man, okay? 1.00

00:32:43.000 So anyway, this dude pulls the guy's pants down and starts sucking his cock. 1.00

00:32:47.000 And I literally started hyperventilating. 1.00

00:32:49.000 I was like, what?

00:32:50.000 I'd never seen...

00:32:51.000 Mind you, you kids today, you grow up...

00:32:54.000 This is the age of the internet. 1.00

00:32:55.000 You see dudes sucking dick all the time. 1.00

00:32:58.000 I had never seen a man actually suck a dick until this moment. 1.00

00:33:03.000 And I was probably 22 years old, somewhere around then, 22, 23. So this guy starts sucking this guy's cock. 1.00

00:33:09.000 And I was like, wow, they really do do it. 1.00

00:33:12.000 That's what I thought in my head. 0.95

00:33:13.000 I knew that's what gay was. 0.95

00:33:15.000 I lived in San Francisco for three years when I was younger.

00:33:18.000 Actually, my aunt, I told this story before, but my aunt used to get high with these gay guys that lived next door.

00:33:23.000 And they used to smoke pot and get naked together.

00:33:26.000 And one guy would play the bongos, and they were really weird. 1.00

00:33:28.000 And it was this big, muscular black guy and his white little bitch boyfriend. 1.00

00:33:31.000 And my aunt went over and smoked pot. 1.00

00:33:34.000 So I grew up with gay people.

00:33:35.000 It didn't bother me. 1.00

00:33:37.000 But watching the guy actually suck the cock, I'm like, whoa, you can't take that back, dude. 1.00

00:33:43.000 You are sucking a cock on video! 1.00

00:33:46.000 I can't believe they can get people to do it! 1.00

00:33:49.000 I couldn't believe that they could get people to do it!

00:33:51.000 Even if you were gay, you want people to know that much? 0.91

00:33:54.000 You want people to see the gay stuff? 0.81

00:33:56.000 I used to have a joke about, you're going to hate this.

00:33:59.000 Why would I hate it? 0.99

00:34:00.000 Because I used to say, who's seen gay porn? 0.99

00:34:05.000 No one. 0.99

00:34:06.000 I said, who's seen the UFC? And then everyone.

00:34:08.000 I go, here's my pitch.

00:34:09.000 Mix the two genres.

00:34:11.000 Right? 1.00

00:34:13.000 Fights where the winner gets to fuck the loser in the ass. 1.00

00:34:16.000 I'm not saying anyone would watch the entire fight, but how hard would you fight if your asshole was on the line? 1.00

00:34:22.000 You would fight hard as shit. 1.00

00:34:23.000 No tap outs. 1.00

00:34:24.000 No tap outs.

00:34:25.000 Just the best part that I thought would be after the guy is unconscious, watching Brock Lesnar try to get hard in the thing. 1.00

00:34:31.000 Like, I just don't want to get hard before I can fuck him in the ass. 1.00

00:34:34.000 Come on, come on, come on, come on. 1.00

00:34:35.000 So what if he takes him down to rape him and the guy's out and he can't get it up? 0.99

00:34:39.000 He can't get it up and he's just sitting there and the guy starts coming to him and he's going to start beating him up again. 0.99

00:34:42.000 No contest?

00:34:42.000 Who's that?

00:34:44.000 Maybe he just sucks his dick. 1.00

00:34:44.000 He didn't win by tap. 1.00

00:34:45.000 He didn't tap that ass. 1.00

00:34:47.000 But yeah. 1.00

00:34:49.000 Why would I hate that though?

00:34:51.000 That's hilarious.

00:34:52.000 I don't know.

00:34:52.000 I just thought...

00:34:53.000 Because it brings up the whole... 1.00

00:34:55.000 It's so gay with two guys rubbing dicks. 1.00

00:34:57.000 Well, guys like you like to think it's gay. 1.00

00:34:58.000 Actually, you know what?

00:35:00.000 I might have thought that when I first thought of it the first time ever, but now I don't think of it.

00:35:05.000 But it's funny, every time I go to open mics and stuff like that, whenever they talk about UFC, that comes up.

00:35:11.000 Sure, that's like Asian drivers or black eyes don't tip. 0.99

00:35:14.000 Yeah.

00:35:15.000 You know, it's all right there.

00:35:16.000 It's a hot topic.

00:35:18.000 Well, it's the easiest conclusion to draw, you know?

00:35:21.000 Like, you know, you see these guys in their underwear, looking gay. 0.81

00:35:25.000 They stopped wearing the tight ones.

00:35:27.000 Some guys wear the tight ones.

00:35:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:35:28.000 That's how I fucking fight. 0.99

00:35:29.000 George St. Pierre will still rock the tights. 0.99

00:35:30.000 Yeah.

00:35:31.000 It was packaged there.

00:35:34.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:35:38.000 He's just smuggling it.

00:35:40.000 Now, would you ever fight in UFC? No, I would not.

00:35:42.000 Never.

00:35:42.000 I don't think you should ever dabble in fighting.

00:35:45.000 I think fighting is a very, very, very dangerous thing, and you should be obsessed with it, and it should be your sole focus.

00:35:51.000 You shouldn't be a stand-up comedian slash author slash podiatrist slash UFC fighter.

00:35:59.000 No, when was the last fist fight you got in?

00:36:01.000 Like a provoked street fist fight?

00:36:02.000 Not since I was in high school.

00:36:03.000 Really?

00:36:04.000 Yeah.

00:36:05.000 By the time I was in high school, I was already a martial arts champion. 0.79

00:36:07.000 See, I was so scared of getting bullied and kids fucking with me that I just became obsessed with martial arts.

00:36:13.000 And so when I was, you know, 16, I was already winning all these big tournaments. 0.83

00:36:18.000 When I was 17, I was the Massachusetts State Championship.

00:36:21.000 I was fighting in the men's divisions when I was a kid, when I was like 15 and 16. Yeah.

00:36:25.000 So most of the kids that I knew at the time, they all knew that I was doing that.

00:36:29.000 But I would assume...

00:36:30.000 People just left me alone.

00:36:31.000 But I was still terrified.

00:36:32.000 I was still scared. 1.00

00:36:33.000 Even when I was fighting in tournaments, I was afraid of bullies and getting my ass kicked. 0.99

00:36:36.000 I didn't totally believe that I could kick someone's ass. 0.99

00:36:38.000 Really? 0.99

00:36:39.000 Even when I was knocking out grown men in sparring and... 0.97

00:36:43.000 You know, and then, you know, having fucking wars in the gym, I would still run into bullies and, you know, kids that I knew that were like bullies and I'd be scared of them. 0.97

00:36:50.000 I just did. 1.00

00:36:51.000 I didn't want them to fuck with me. 0.99

00:36:52.000 I wanted to make sure I can get away from let me just go around the outside. 1.00

00:36:55.000 Like, even when I was winning fights against trained fighters, I was still like, it fucks with your head. 0.71

00:37:00.000 Me and my friends, we all got bullied by the same bullies, but we were all the artist kids. 0.98

00:37:07.000 What we'd always do is draw pictures of them with cocks in their mouth and stuff like that. 1.00

00:37:12.000 We'd put them around the bathrooms and the girls' bathrooms.

00:37:17.000 We'd just turn around the corner and toss a bunch of drawings in there.

00:37:22.000 Did you copy them or did you just rake the same drawing over and over again?

00:37:24.000 No, we copied them.

00:37:25.000 With a copy machine?

00:37:26.000 Yeah.

00:37:27.000 But we would make it kind of like currency.

00:37:30.000 And they knew we were the artists drawing people.

00:37:32.000 Brian, your mic is so much louder than everybody's mic.

00:37:35.000 It's the same thing.

00:37:36.000 It's the same thing as yesterday.

00:37:37.000 Is there a setting or something?

00:37:38.000 I'm so much lower on this board if you can come look at it.

00:37:40.000 Maybe your mic is better than ours.

00:37:42.000 I don't know.

00:37:43.000 I'm sorry.

00:37:45.000 But anyway, so we would draw a bunch of different ones. 0.98

00:37:48.000 So there was like all these kind of like $5 bill, $10 bill, $20 bills, different kind of currencies of bullies with dicks and cocks and stuff like that. 0.99

00:37:57.000 Fucking hilarious. 0.99

00:37:57.000 That's so funny. 0.99

00:37:58.000 I wanted to, I just pitched the Travel Channel.

00:37:58.000 Yeah.

00:38:01.000 They were trying to think of ways to promote my new show.

00:38:04.000 And I thought I had the most genius idea.

00:38:06.000 I was like, what if you made, like, busts?

00:38:09.000 A bust of me, like, this big, right?

00:38:12.000 Just my bust, like, with my mouth open, and it fit over urinal mints.

00:38:18.000 Like, urinal cages. 0.64

00:38:19.000 So you'd put them in urinals all over the country, just me with my mouth open so people could piss in my mouth. 0.99

00:38:24.000 I was like, everyone would fucking talk about those, and, like, I thought it would, like, spread like wildfire, and they looked at me like I was out of my fucking mind. 0.98

00:38:32.000 I'm fairly confident I would never have come up with that idea. 0.98

00:38:36.000 If you saw one in a bar, would you not bring it up?

00:38:38.000 I would never want anybody pissing in a symbolic mouth of mine.

00:38:41.000 Because I don't want to give anybody that idea. 0.98

00:38:43.000 I don't want dudes to go, you have none after we piss in his mouth. 1.00

00:38:46.000 Let's fuck him in his mouth. 1.00

00:38:48.000 I hadn't thought it all the way through, possibly. 1.00

00:38:50.000 Hold him down. 1.00

00:38:51.000 You jerk off in his hair and I'm going to shit on his chest. 1.00

00:38:54.000 I don't want to open up the door for anything degrading. 1.00

00:38:57.000 It wasn't flushed out, but I thought it would be one of those marketing geniuses.

00:39:03.000 You would want to give people something that everybody wants and needs and doesn't really have on them.

00:39:08.000 Like if you want to give them lighters.

00:39:10.000 You know, or something like that, with Burt the Conqueror lighters, or give them something they're going to use, so they're going to enjoy the fact that, oh, I got this from Burt the Conqueror, like a keychain? 0.99

00:39:18.000 Who uses a fucking keychain, man? 0.99

00:39:19.000 That's silly. 1.00

00:39:20.000 That's just more shit to have in your pocket. 1.00

00:39:22.000 Put your fucking key in your pocket, right? 1.00

00:39:24.000 You know, but like, you know, Burt the Conqueror keychains, that's not going to come up. 1.00

00:39:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:28.000 But like, maybe a lighter?

00:39:30.000 You know?

00:39:31.000 Especially people who are smokers.

00:39:33.000 I was, I told him to print like a thousand stickers and just send them to kids. 1.00

00:39:37.000 That'll, and then they'll get annoyed, you know, stick their stickers, Bert the Conqueror, cunt. 1.00

00:39:41.000 He's got his fucking stickers all over my school. 0.99

00:39:43.000 What is a, what is a thing though that you could use that would really help people? 0.99

00:39:47.000 Besides like pens and shit like that, like what would people enjoy?

00:39:50.000 Is there a piece of swag that people would actually be happy to get? 1.00

00:39:55.000 Brian, you're into all that shit. 0.99

00:39:57.000 Yeah, you know, the thing I would think of, iPhone cases. 1.00

00:40:00.000 That's not a bad move.

00:40:01.000 Because I know so many chicks that have no iPhone case. 1.00

00:40:05.000 I'm like, dude, you're so fucking stupid. 1.00

00:40:06.000 You're going to break this. 1.00

00:40:07.000 You're going to drop it.

00:40:08.000 It looks so dope without a case.

00:40:09.000 It does look dope, but all their excuses is like, I know, I just need to get on. 0.99

00:40:14.000 It is pretty stupid that you have to have a case, too. 1.00

00:40:16.000 That bothers the shit out of me, man. 1.00

00:40:17.000 I think that's so dumb. 0.99

00:40:19.000 I had that little rubber bumper on. 0.99

00:40:20.000 I dropped it.

00:40:21.000 Shattered.

00:40:22.000 Really?

00:40:22.000 I got a good fat rubber one now.

00:40:26.000 What about Burt the Conqueror magnetic wristbands? 0.99

00:40:30.000 Oh, those hologram bullshit bands? 1.00

00:40:31.000 Yeah, those bullshit bands. 1.00

00:40:33.000 I've seen so many high-level fighters wearing those things, it makes me so sad. 1.00

00:40:39.000 It's like, why don't you just take a chicken head and wrap that around your neck? 0.99

00:40:43.000 Do some voodoo, yeah. 0.95

00:40:44.000 But it works.

00:40:45.000 What is that, Brian?

00:40:46.000 See, this is like a rubber iPhone case that I got the other day from some Japanese anime.

00:40:50.000 On listening on iTunes, he's holding up some sort of a...

00:40:53.000 Oh, you just got that for free?

00:40:54.000 Japanese...

00:40:54.000 No, I didn't get it for free, but I'm just saying if you feel it, this is like a cheap, that is a cheap product.

00:40:59.000 Well, they cost like 30 bucks though, dude.

00:41:01.000 Yeah, but that's super markup.

00:41:05.000 If you go to eBay, if you go to Amazon, you can get like a box of these.

00:41:08.000 So how much do you think that would cost to get printed?

00:41:08.000 Really?

00:41:10.000 Like a dollar?

00:41:11.000 Well, I think probably just the part alone, I'd probably say like not even a dollar 13, something like that, something cheap.

00:41:17.000 How did you come up with a dollar 13?

00:41:18.000 Because it seems more official.

00:41:20.000 It does, right?

00:41:21.000 If you added an extra number in there.

00:41:23.000 I bet there's a company on the internet that you can print out your own iPhone cases.

00:41:27.000 What about Birth to Conqueror's sunscreen? 0.95

00:41:29.000 Like little packets of sunscreen?

00:41:30.000 That's not a bad idea.

00:41:31.000 As long as you know that it doesn't give you cancer or something. 0.90

00:41:34.000 Because I've read some crazy shit about sunscreen actually contributing to cancer in some people. 0.99

00:41:38.000 Fucking great. 0.99

00:41:39.000 All I do is lather in sunscreen. 0.98

00:41:39.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:41:41.000 I do too, man.

00:41:42.000 I have a friend of mine who's got skin cancer right now.

00:41:45.000 He had a big chunk of meat removed from his head.

00:41:48.000 Now, how did he notice?

00:41:49.000 Was it itchy?

00:41:50.000 Here's the scary thing.

00:41:51.000 He went to a dermatologist and the dermatologist said nothing.

00:41:55.000 The dermatologist said, I don't think you should worry about it.

00:41:57.000 And then a year later, he went to another dermatologist and it turns out it's skin cancer.

00:42:01.000 And it was pretty deep.

00:42:02.000 They had to really dig into his head to cut it out.

00:42:04.000 Wow, that's scary because, I mean, I have this one mole. 1.00

00:42:07.000 I'm a mole-y motherfucker. 1.00

00:42:08.000 You mole-y bitch. 1.00

00:42:09.000 I have this one mole on my back that always feels so weird. 1.00

00:42:13.000 It's like crusty feeling sometimes.

00:42:14.000 And then I went to the dermatologist and they're like, oh, no, that's fine.

00:42:17.000 Here, look at these pictures.

00:42:18.000 That's what you want to look out for, where it looks like red dots and it's like all crazy looking.

00:42:18.000 See that?

00:42:22.000 And I'm like, okay.

00:42:23.000 But I've always thought, no.

00:42:25.000 That's not right.

00:42:26.000 Oh, I haven't checked out 10 times.

00:42:27.000 I'm a massive hypochondriac.

00:42:29.000 Oh, you really? 0.99

00:42:30.000 Oh, I found a fucking ingrown hair under my arm one time, and because I just hung out with Schimmel, I was like, I got fucking non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 0.99

00:42:36.000 This is how it starts. 0.99

00:42:37.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

00:42:38.000 And I fucking convinced myself. 0.99

00:42:40.000 Whole flight home. 0.99

00:42:41.000 Went straight to the doctor, and she looked at it, and she goes, it's an ingrown hair. 0.99

00:42:45.000 Holy shit, dude. 0.99

00:42:46.000 Check this out. 0.99

00:42:47.000 I had ingrown hair in my belly button.

00:42:48.000 Do you remember this?

00:42:49.000 Oh, my God.

00:42:50.000 I gotta see this.

00:42:51.000 This is like four... 0.98

00:42:53.000 Again, this show turned gay. 1.00

00:42:54.000 Oh my god, I gotta see this. 0.99

00:42:56.000 That would look amazing in my mouth. 0.92

00:42:58.000 If you have an ingrown toenail, anything ingrown that's pussing, I'm dying to see it.

00:43:02.000 Oh yeah, really?

00:43:03.000 You haven't typed in botfly extraction?

00:43:06.000 I have seen that.

00:43:07.000 I want one so bad. 1.00

00:43:08.000 What the fuck is wrong with you? 0.99

00:43:10.000 Just the idea to pull it out. 0.99

00:43:12.000 Maybe I don't want one.

00:43:13.000 I want my wife to get one on the occasion. 0.84

00:43:14.000 So you can pull it out?

00:43:15.000 Oh, that looks awesome.

00:43:16.000 Let me see your...

00:43:17.000 Can't those things...

00:43:18.000 No, I don't have it now.

00:43:18.000 This is like four or five years ago.

00:43:20.000 You've got a weird pus thing going on, son.

00:43:22.000 You don't do that. 1.00

00:43:23.000 I'll fucking... 1.00

00:43:24.000 If I get anything like a good pimple, oh my god. 0.99

00:43:27.000 It swelled up my belly button to the point where you couldn't even put your finger in it.

00:43:31.000 And then one day it just filled up with blood and yellow stuff and white stuff.

00:43:35.000 You've got to be really careful.

00:43:36.000 I'm thankful about staph infections.

00:43:38.000 And this is for anybody that listens to the podcast.

00:43:41.000 Please, if you have any weird infection on your body that, you know, maybe it's a spider bite.

00:43:46.000 I don't know what it is. 1.00

00:43:46.000 Go to a fucking doctor and get that checked out because you could fucking die. 1.00

00:43:50.000 Staph infections are scary shit. 1.00

00:43:52.000 You probably don't know the comic. 1.00

00:43:54.000 His name's Roy Johnson.

00:43:55.000 He's from Tampa, right?

00:43:56.000 So I'm going on Facebook one day and I click on it.

00:43:59.000 And the thing, his post is, doctors say, it looks like I'll keep my leg. 0.99

00:44:04.000 And now I'm like, what the fuck, right?

00:44:07.000 So I go to his page, and I start clicking back, older posts, to find out what happened. 0.98

00:44:12.000 So I go back two weeks later, and it starts like he's at the Dayton Funny Bone, and he's like, yeah, so I got a weird bite on my leg last night.

00:44:22.000 I wonder if it's a spider bite.

00:44:23.000 I'm going to get some calamine lotion next day.

00:44:25.000 It's getting worse the day after that.

00:44:27.000 Okay, this is really starting to concern me the day after that.

00:44:30.000 I'm having a hard time walking.

00:44:31.000 And like you can see it getting worse and worse and worse.

00:44:34.000 And then he ends up in a hospital.

00:44:35.000 He's like, doctors say I'll keep my leg. 1.00

00:44:37.000 And I'm like, oh, fuck. 1.00

00:44:39.000 It's like this guy. 1.00

00:44:39.000 It's like this. 1.00

00:44:40.000 What was it?

00:44:41.000 I have no idea.

00:44:42.000 It must have been MRSA. It must have been that there's a crazy strain of staph.

00:44:46.000 We talked about the antibiotics, Brian, about people not taking their antibiotics in the full dose so it doesn't kill the bacteria.

00:44:53.000 And it creates things, these antibiotic resistant strains of infection.

00:44:58.000 And staph is one of the scariest ones, man. 0.99

00:45:00.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

00:45:02.000 Donna D'Erico apparently has it real bad. 1.00

00:45:04.000 The Baywatch chick, Donna D'Erico? 0.99

00:45:04.000 Who? 0.99

00:45:06.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:45:07.000 She got MRSA. She got it real bad, apparently. 1.00

00:45:09.000 It was in the news.

00:45:10.000 She was in really bad shape.

00:45:12.000 I always worry about that at Barry's Boot Camp.

00:45:14.000 Because I don't think they clean it.

00:45:16.000 Well, this is what you've got to make sure.

00:45:18.000 When you ever get any sort of scratch, there's a company called Defense Soap that has a bunch of different salves and all these different things.

00:45:27.000 And they're all natural oils that kill any funky infections.

00:45:30.000 But any open wound, any open scratch, you've got to clean that.

00:45:34.000 It has to be cleaned and you have to make sure you put something on it.

00:45:38.000 You know, these ointments and salves, they're all natural.

00:45:41.000 It's all like eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil. 0.99

00:45:43.000 It kills all funky shit. 0.99

00:45:45.000 Just give yourself a fighting chance. 1.00

00:45:47.000 Dudes run around with deep scratches and they don't do anything about it.

00:45:51.000 You don't clean it and then it gets infected. 0.99

00:45:53.000 You could fucking lose your arm. 0.99

00:45:56.000 That's no joke, man. 1.00

00:45:57.000 I know a dude who got one in his elbow and his elbow was fucked up.

00:46:01.000 He got it in jujitsu, didn't know what it was, hurt him, didn't do anything for a while, and by the time he went to a doctor, you know, he's a tough guy, he's an Australian dude, by the time he went to a doctor, it's too late, he had this giant hole in his arm, because his arm had swollen up this monstrous looking thing that's twice the size of a normal elbow. 0.99

00:46:19.000 Fuck that. 0.98

00:46:19.000 It happened to Ari Shafir, too. 0.98

00:46:21.000 Ari got one on his knee. 1.00

00:46:22.000 And we were playing pool, and I saw him limping around the pool table. 0.99

00:46:24.000 I go, what the fuck is going on? 0.99

00:46:26.000 And he goes, I got bit by a spider. 1.00

00:46:27.000 And as soon as he said that to me, I said, oh, fuck. 0.99

00:46:30.000 You know, I had had staph once, and I was lucky that somebody pointed it out to me. 0.99

00:46:33.000 I didn't know what it was.

00:46:34.000 I got it really, really early.

00:46:36.000 It was just a few pimples on my leg.

00:46:38.000 And my friend Tate looked at it.

00:46:39.000 He goes, dude, what is that on your leg?

00:46:41.000 And I go, I don't know, was it zits or something?

00:46:43.000 He goes, I think you got staph, man.

00:46:44.000 You got to go get that checked out.

00:46:46.000 And what it is, it's folliculitis.

00:46:50.000 I forget what the actual term is.

00:46:52.000 But when you see like follicles that are like little infected follicles, that's the beginning.

00:46:57.000 That's the beginning of a staph infection.

00:46:59.000 And it could be nothing, it could go away, or it can get ugly and be nasty. 0.99

00:47:03.000 And Ari's had turned into like this swollen, pussy-looking thing that looked like he had been bit by something. 0.99

00:47:09.000 And it was just a rampant staph infection. 0.99

00:47:11.000 So wait, how do you get rid of it?

00:47:12.000 Well, he had to go on some serious antibiotics.

00:47:14.000 And he got it again.

00:47:15.000 He got staff again like a year later over nothing.

00:47:18.000 Wait, how's he getting it?

00:47:19.000 Well, he got it from jujitsu.

00:47:21.000 He got it from jujitsu.

00:47:22.000 And that happens in jujitsu.

00:47:23.000 And the way it happens is you're getting scratched and scraped and you're sparring.

00:47:28.000 And when you're sparring, you're essentially going forward.

00:47:30.000 Pretty much full clip on each other.

00:47:32.000 And, you know, you get cuts and your knees scratch on the ground. 0.99

00:47:35.000 And if you don't wash yourself, like, Ari would just, like, fucking... 1.00

00:47:38.000 He would just, like, not take a shower at all, even that night. 0.99

00:47:41.000 And he would have, like, ten dudes rape sweat all over him, just leaking into various holes in his body. 1.00

00:47:47.000 He's just a honeypot of disease in a bad family. 1.00

00:47:50.000 And then some poor shit gets in that same bed the next week and fucking the next town. 1.00

00:47:55.000 And bangs chicks in that bed. 1.00

00:47:57.000 And by the way, Ari changes his sheets, no bullshit, once every six months. 1.00

00:48:02.000 He went six months without changing his sheets. 0.57

00:48:04.000 No, I think it was even longer than that.

00:48:06.000 Really?

00:48:07.000 Because it was like a very long time. 0.98

00:48:09.000 And he wonders why the fuck he gets staff. 0.99

00:48:12.000 Yo, dude, you gotta clean your house, son. 1.00

00:48:15.000 I love that video of his asshole. 1.00

00:48:17.000 Oh, so strange. 1.00

00:48:18.000 Oh my god, it's the best.

00:48:20.000 It really defines what hemorrhoids really are.

00:48:23.000 I didn't know what they were.

00:48:23.000 Yeah.

00:48:25.000 Your butt's popping out from the inside. 0.99

00:48:28.000 How do you do stand-up with that in the back of your pants? 1.00

00:48:30.000 I know, man. 1.00

00:48:31.000 How do you show it to everybody and not give a fuck? 0.99

00:48:33.000 I can't even sit on my wallet and Ari's sitting on a golf ball. 1.00

00:48:36.000 I think it's comfortable, though.

00:48:37.000 It's like squishy.

00:48:38.000 It's probably like, you know, like those things you put on in your shoe.

00:48:41.000 Like an air mattress?

00:48:41.000 No, like the Dr. Scholl's.

00:48:43.000 He's just gelling?

00:48:45.000 Ari's just gelling, Mike, but gelling! 1.00

00:48:48.000 Hey, Ari, how you doing?

00:48:49.000 Just gelling.

00:48:50.000 Oh, no.

00:48:50.000 Just gelling.

00:48:51.000 Jelly donating.

00:48:52.000 His mind works totally different than mine.

00:48:54.000 Yeah.

00:48:55.000 Talking to him about getting on, smoking weed to get a prescription for flying, because I have a terrible fear of flying.

00:49:00.000 He's like, dude, you just got to take one of these gel tabs.

00:49:03.000 And I'm telling you, man, like him and Ralphie.

00:49:06.000 Yeah.

00:49:07.000 Two people that I just don't under...

00:49:08.000 Hey, playa, just take two of these. 1.00

00:49:10.000 Don't listen. 1.00

00:49:11.000 I think they're fucking being dicks. 1.00

00:49:11.000 Don't listen. 1.00

00:49:13.000 Like, they don't mean to.

00:49:15.000 But, like, I just...

00:49:15.000 I took, like, half of one and was melted.

00:49:18.000 Yeah.

00:49:18.000 A breast strip, one of those little things, if you get a hold of those jammies, those...

00:49:22.000 You take a half.

00:49:23.000 Take a half if you're an OG. Just don't eat any.

00:49:25.000 Yeah, don't eat anything if you didn't make it yourself, man.

00:49:28.000 It's just too hard to know the dosage. 1.00

00:49:29.000 They gotta regulate that shit. 1.00

00:49:31.000 Yeah, it's not fucking like dudes that work in Intel making microchips with fucking lab coats on. 1.00

00:49:36.000 It's some asshole in a tie-dyed t-shirt and a goofy ponytail and he's throwing some shit into a bowl. 1.00

00:49:41.000 And if he's making it, he clearly has a high tolerance. 1.00

00:49:44.000 He's like, who am I going to make this for fucking kids? 1.00

00:49:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:46.000 Dude, exactly. 0.99

00:49:47.000 There's a dude that came to visit us, and he came to visit us at the John Lovitz Club, and he gave me some shit. 0.93

00:49:52.000 Me and Joey, after the show, we both just sat there, and Joey always leaves. 0.98

00:49:57.000 He always leaves.

00:49:58.000 Always!

00:49:59.000 If I go on stage, I know that it's the second show.

00:50:01.000 By the time I get off stage, Joey's gone. 0.83

00:50:04.000 I got off stage, I'm saying bye to the staff, thank you everybody, blah blah blah, gathering all my shit, and I see Joey sitting in a chair. 0.99

00:50:10.000 I ain't got to lie to your dog. 0.95

00:50:12.000 I ain't moving.

00:50:13.000 I ain't moving, Joe Rogan.

00:50:15.000 That's how high I am.

00:50:16.000 You're not going anywhere either. 1.00

00:50:17.000 Stay here with me, cocksucker. 1.00

00:50:18.000 Stay here. 1.00

00:50:19.000 The whole time he was sitting there watching you, Joe, when you're on stage, sweating, like, hand going like a thousand miles a moment, just sweating.

00:50:26.000 He would look at me and get those eyes.

00:50:28.000 You know, he's, like, looking at you like a... 1.00

00:50:30.000 The point being, these motherfuckers and their cookies, man, they were too strong. 1.00

00:50:33.000 Ari ate, they had these, what are those called, biscottis? 1.00

00:50:37.000 The guy told me, only eat a half.

00:50:40.000 Ari ate a whole one.

00:50:41.000 And Joey ate one and a half of them.

00:50:43.000 Yeah, Joey ate one and a half.

00:50:43.000 Oh, no.

00:50:45.000 The guy says eat a half.

00:50:46.000 Joey goes, ha!

00:50:48.000 I laugh in the face of danger.

00:50:50.000 He just ate all of it, yeah.

00:50:52.000 Now, what happens to your brain when you get, is getting too high like getting too drunk?

00:50:59.000 When you get really, really high, especially if you eat it, it's really psychedelic.

00:50:59.000 No.

00:51:04.000 It's really introspective. 0.64

00:51:06.000 It really brings up your past and you start thinking about all kinds of weird shit about your childhood and things that you did that you were upset that you did to someone when you were like seven. 0.98

00:51:15.000 You just start really tripping out about weird shit. 0.96

00:51:19.000 It's much more... 0.99

00:51:21.000 It's like a much deeper, much more psychedelic trip than just smoking it.

00:51:27.000 When you smoke it, if you get really high, you get paranoid.

00:51:29.000 You get hyper-aware.

00:51:30.000 You start feeling really vulnerable. 1.00

00:51:32.000 You start being really sensitive to shit. 1.00

00:51:33.000 But when you eat it, you start hallucinating. 1.00

00:51:36.000 Especially when you close your eyes. 1.00

00:51:38.000 When you eat it and you close your eyes, dude, I always, for me, for whatever reason, it's cartoons fucking. 1.00

00:51:43.000 That's what I see. 1.00

00:51:43.000 I see these really bizarre, alien, impossible to describe cartoons fucking. 1.00

00:51:49.000 And I can never exactly see what they look like, because whatever they look like right now is not what they look like a second from now. 0.99

00:51:55.000 They just keep morphing and changing, and it's like some sort of these alien cartoons fucking. 0.95

00:52:01.000 That's what I see every time I close my eyes when I get super baked. 0.99

00:52:03.000 That's what I know.

00:52:04.000 If I've eaten like a pot cookie, that's when I know I'm deep in the terror zone.

00:52:08.000 Really?

00:52:09.000 You get into that strange place of it almost feels like you are now in another dimension.

00:52:09.000 Yeah.

00:52:16.000 Like you've entered into an alien world. 1.00

00:52:17.000 You look at the world around you, the mechanical world like airplanes and pilots and stewardesses and cars and trolleys and you look at all that shit. 0.98

00:52:26.000 And the mechanical interfacing, you become super aware of it all. 0.95

00:52:30.000 And it feels like an alien world.

00:52:31.000 Because there's a world all around you that you've totally taken for granted that is completely bizarre.

00:52:37.000 The world of you climbing into a metal box with these squishy rubber tires connected to this hard pavement that they've created and molded over the earth. 0.96

00:52:46.000 And you're in this box, and while this is happening, The giant fucking nuclear explosion that lights everything up, and you're spinning around it, going a million miles an hour through the fucking universe. 0.93

00:52:56.000 It's just too much, man. 0.98

00:52:57.000 You have to compartmentalize your life.

00:53:00.000 And what Pott does is it doesn't let you compartmentalize.

00:53:03.000 You can't say, well, I gotta get the kids to school.

00:53:05.000 You know, Pott goes, yeah, you do.

00:53:07.000 But look at what life really is.

00:53:10.000 Look at space.

00:53:11.000 It goes on forever.

00:53:12.000 Inside every galaxy, there's a black hole.

00:53:14.000 Inside every black hole is another universe.

00:53:16.000 Filled with hundreds of billions of galaxies, each with a black hole, each with another universe, with hundreds of billions of galaxies.

00:53:23.000 And the whole mass of it all just starts fucking overwhelming you. 0.88

00:53:27.000 That's the problem with pot. 0.97

00:53:29.000 That's why people think, like, you know, people go, oh, it makes me paranoid.

00:53:32.000 You know, you should be paranoid. 0.99

00:53:34.000 If you were really smart, you would realize, A, this shit all ends. 0.99

00:53:38.000 Everyone's gonna, it's gonna stop. 0.99

00:53:39.000 For all of us.

00:53:40.000 Are we trying to get me into an anxiety attack?

00:53:42.000 Jesus Christ.

00:53:44.000 That's something that we ignore.

00:53:46.000 I think we should appreciate the moment, but we should be aware that it's temporary.

00:53:50.000 And to deny it and just to put it in the back, that's not helping you.

00:53:54.000 Because then when the pot comes on and you get super paranoid about that, what you're super paranoid about is about something you haven't really addressed in your own mind.

00:54:00.000 You haven't come to grips with it. 0.98

00:54:02.000 It's a real fucking thing that one day you will find out. 0.99

00:54:04.000 Is there a god? 1.00

00:54:05.000 Is there a devil? 1.00

00:54:06.000 Is there fucking space aliens that take you away in their crafts? 0.99

00:54:09.000 Right, or is this one step in an endless cycle of things that you can't even recognize what the next one is? 0.99

00:54:16.000 It's so bizarre and alien.

00:54:18.000 This is alien, man.

00:54:19.000 This world that we live in, if we didn't live in this world, we were some sort of an empty, rational, objective being, you know, that was like looking at human culture.

00:54:30.000 We would say this is the, this way to live is the craziest thing ever.

00:54:34.000 That's why if I ever get really rich, I'm moving to Idaho, I'm buying a mountain, I'm making a huge rock sculpture of myself with paintings carved into the mountain of what I did, like real outrageous stories, because that's the only thing that's going to be left.

00:54:52.000 You're going to go make Pharaoh, Pharaoh Kreischer. 1.00

00:54:55.000 Because that's all that's left, man.

00:54:57.000 That's all that's left. 1.00

00:54:58.000 All the steel crumbles, it's going to be me, Crazy Horse, and the fucking four presidents. 0.99

00:55:02.000 And they'll be like, who is this Bert? 0.99

00:55:04.000 How dope is that Crazy Horse structure? 0.81

00:55:06.000 They're still working on that thing. 1.00

00:55:07.000 I'll be doing that shit too. 1.00

00:55:08.000 That's what you should do. 1.00

00:55:09.000 Joe, let's do this, okay?

00:55:11.000 I will spearhead this.

00:55:12.000 I will quit comedy tomorrow, okay?

00:55:14.000 I don't need a lot of money.

00:55:15.000 All I need is a bunch of dynamite.

00:55:17.000 And I just want to be your sidekick.

00:55:19.000 Do you know how to do this? 1.00

00:55:19.000 No, we'll figure that shit out! 1.00

00:55:21.000 We'll figure it out. 1.00

00:55:21.000 Lewis and Clark made it across the fucking country. 1.00

00:55:23.000 Dude, I've been watching this new show. 0.99

00:55:25.000 I think it's called The Wild Within.

00:55:27.000 It's a new show on the Travel Channel.

00:55:28.000 Dude, I watched it last night for the first time.

00:55:28.000 It's on Travel Channel with Steve Renna, yeah.

00:55:30.000 I saw the ads and I started TiVo-ing it. 1.00

00:55:32.000 Fuck, it's awesome, man. 0.99

00:55:33.000 And he went the Lewis and Clark way through Montana. 1.00

00:55:36.000 Dude goes pit bull hunting for fucking boar next week. 1.00

00:55:40.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:55:41.000 Like, old school.

00:55:42.000 Like, we're taking some pit bulls, we're getting a boar. 1.00

00:55:44.000 Dude, I had a dog that was trained for that shit. 1.00

00:55:46.000 I had this Hawaiian pit bull that they use for wild hog hunting. 1.00

00:55:49.000 He was crazy.

00:55:51.000 Frank? 0.56

00:55:51.000 You remember Frank? 0.56

00:55:52.000 Frank was crazy. 0.87

00:55:54.000 I could not stop that dog from wanting to attack other animals. 0.99

00:55:54.000 That was a dog. 0.99

00:55:57.000 He was bred to go after hogs, so he was like super, super aggressive. 1.00

00:56:01.000 It was a tremendous pain in the ass. 0.99

00:56:03.000 Now, how's your dogs with the girls? 1.00

00:56:05.000 Oh, they're great.

00:56:06.000 The dogs that I have now are very, like, the Johnny, the big one, the Mastiff, is very calm.

00:56:11.000 He's, you know, he was, like, the guy who bred them bred dogs for Fear Factor.

00:56:17.000 And he really is conscientious about how he mixes them.

00:56:20.000 He makes sure that dogs that are aggressive to people, or even other dogs, they never get to breed.

00:56:24.000 So he only breeds the best personalities.

00:56:26.000 And he's been doing it for generation after generation.

00:56:29.000 So he really is, and he's very proud of it.

00:56:31.000 So his dogs have like the best temperament.

00:56:33.000 Like I went over his house and his dogs, like they're these giant things, but they're so calm and friendly.

00:56:38.000 And they come over to you to check you out and assess and make sure, okay, let me just make sure you're cool.

00:56:42.000 Okay, come on in.

00:56:43.000 Come on in, relax.

00:56:44.000 Yeah, you can get one of those.

00:56:44.000 That's what I want.

00:56:45.000 I'll hook you up.

00:56:46.000 I wanted an Argentinian Mastiff. 0.86

00:56:48.000 Those are crazy.

00:56:49.000 You've got to be careful of those.

00:56:50.000 And why I didn't know.

00:56:51.000 And then I submitted, I sent an email to the lady and then she sent back a questionnaire.

00:56:56.000 Yeah, do you have kids?

00:56:57.000 Yeah, first question, do you have kids?

00:56:58.000 And I was like, yeah.

00:57:00.000 Second question, do you plan on sleeping with a dog?

00:57:03.000 I was like, I don't understand.

00:57:03.000 Yeah.

00:57:05.000 You have to bond with them.

00:57:06.000 Is that what it is?

00:57:07.000 Yeah.

00:57:07.000 Because I didn't know if you didn't want to sleep with them.

00:57:09.000 Before Mrs. Rogan moved in, I used to sleep with the dogs.

00:57:12.000 Really?

00:57:12.000 I sleep with two pit bulls in my bed.

00:57:14.000 Yeah.

00:57:15.000 They love it.

00:57:16.000 They love sleeping with you.

00:57:17.000 They love you, man.

00:57:18.000 Dogs, you know, when you have a real relationship with dogs like that, they really are like this sort of subhuman baby that you have.

00:57:24.000 It's like, it's not quite human.

00:57:25.000 You don't love them as much as that.

00:57:26.000 But, you know, there's an affectionate, like loving bond between you and a dog.

00:57:31.000 Ever since you and Callan, like two weeks ago, last week, said like you guys were talking about, how crazy is it that we're riding horses?

00:57:38.000 I started looking at animals just sitting in my house.

00:57:41.000 It's weird. 1.00

00:57:42.000 I got fucking dominion over that bitch. 1.00

00:57:45.000 What's weird is when they can kill you and they don't know. 1.00

00:57:48.000 When you have a pit bull or my mastiff, he could kill me.

00:57:51.000 I've worked with chimpanzees maybe four or five times.

00:57:54.000 I had a chimpanzee, an adult chimpanzee on my shoulders with both ears in his hands.

00:58:01.000 Oh no. 1.00

00:58:01.000 For fucking Spike TV. And I was like making 13 grand an episode. 1.00

00:58:05.000 Oh my god, you're crazy. 1.00

00:58:07.000 Fucking possibility of my nose being bitten off. 1.00

00:58:08.000 A real good possibility. 1.00

00:58:10.000 Was it a male?

00:58:12.000 Male chimpanzee. 0.65

00:58:14.000 Sitting on my neck.

00:58:15.000 John Moore, one of the people I've worked with a ton of times, has a picture of it.

00:58:21.000 And he's just got both my ears in his hands.

00:58:23.000 I worked with a bear.

00:58:24.000 How big was he? 1.00

00:58:25.000 He was a fucking beast. 1.00

00:58:26.000 Like how big? 1.00

00:58:26.000 How much did he weigh? 1.00

00:58:27.000 He was like a 7th grader.

00:58:29.000 What is the seventh grade weight?

00:58:31.000 100 pounds?

00:58:32.000 Yeah, 100 pounds.

00:58:34.000 So it was sort of an adolescent chip.

00:58:35.000 It wasn't fully grown.

00:58:36.000 I wrestled a bear one time for that whole Bert show. 0.97

00:58:39.000 Dude, that's the fucking scariest thing I've ever done in my life. 0.91

00:58:43.000 Did you ever see the video of that guy who was a trainer and the bear killed his brother or his cousin? 0.99

00:58:47.000 I think it was his brother.

00:58:48.000 It might be the same bear I worked with.

00:58:51.000 Because I worked with the bear that was a movie bear.

00:58:51.000 Really?

00:58:54.000 So it was like the bear that fucking fought Will Ferrell in the movie Semi-Pro. 0.99

00:58:58.000 Really? 0.98

00:58:59.000 I think this is the bear we're talking about, dude.

00:59:01.000 That bear killed somebody.

00:59:03.000 Let's find this out real quick.

00:59:05.000 I think his name was Bam Bam, or it's from Bam Bam's family.

00:59:08.000 One of the bears that we fought that day was named Bam Bam.

00:59:11.000 I know that.

00:59:12.000 Or I think that.

00:59:13.000 This podcast is filled with bear talk.

00:59:14.000 Semi-pro bear kills trainer.

00:59:17.000 Yeah, that's the first thing that comes up.

00:59:19.000 What was the bear's name?

00:59:20.000 I think it was either...

00:59:22.000 Rocky.

00:59:22.000 Rocky and Bam Bam were the two bears.

00:59:24.000 The massive animal who were named Rocky is being put through obedience exercises.

00:59:28.000 Was being put through obedience exercises.

00:59:30.000 Wow, he just decided to just bite this dude on the neck.

00:59:32.000 Let me see a picture of where it is.

00:59:35.000 That looks like where it was.

00:59:36.000 Is it in California?

00:59:39.000 Yes.

00:59:40.000 Yeah.

00:59:40.000 Big bear.

00:59:41.000 Yeah, we had to drive out.

00:59:43.000 Dude, this is the bear.

00:59:44.000 This bear killed somebody.

00:59:46.000 There's only like four bears you can work with. 1.00

00:59:47.000 It's like fucking black actresses. 1.00

00:59:50.000 So you worked with this murder bear. 1.00

00:59:52.000 Wait, that was a really good joke.

00:59:53.000 We're going to pass by?

00:59:54.000 I'm sorry.

00:59:54.000 That was pretty good.

00:59:57.000 That's so true.

00:59:58.000 I wasn't even thinking about it.

00:59:59.000 I apologize.

01:00:00.000 I like how you claimed it, though.

01:00:02.000 That was a good line.

01:00:02.000 You were like, stop, stop.

01:00:05.000 That's strong.

01:00:07.000 I like that.

01:00:08.000 It's like, how's Al Sharpton keep getting work? 1.00

01:00:10.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99

01:00:11.000 You guys can't do better than that guy? 1.00

01:00:13.000 That guy's the safest man in America.

01:00:15.000 No one's killing him. 0.98

01:00:16.000 It's so ridiculous. 1.00

01:00:17.000 No white supremacist is going to kill him. 1.00

01:00:18.000 They love what he does. 0.81

01:00:18.000 They don't care. 0.81

01:00:19.000 He's so buffoonish. 0.95

01:00:20.000 He gets up with his windows open. 0.91

01:00:22.000 Al Sharpton walked by the comedy store one night, and we were hammered.

01:00:25.000 It was me, and God, I think Ari was there. 0.56

01:00:27.000 Eddie Bravo was definitely there. 0.87

01:00:29.000 And he's walking by, and as he's walking by, like Al Sharpton, we all just start yelling out, Al Sharpton's a pimp! 1.00

01:00:37.000 Al Sharpton, work that motherfucker! 1.00

01:00:40.000 And everyone's yelling at, like, five different dudes, go get yours, Al! 1.00

01:00:43.000 Fuck those dummies! 1.00

01:00:45.000 And he's, like, kind of waving and not knowing how to respond, and we're just, like, letting, you know, we know you're a crook, but go ahead, go get it! 1.00

01:00:51.000 Did you hear how he got his, uh, his... 0.58

01:00:54.000 The Tomorrow Broadly style?

01:00:55.000 No, his, uh, his, his relaxed hair, relaxed? 0.99

01:00:58.000 He used to look like fucking buckwheat. 0.99

01:00:58.000 No. 0.99

01:01:00.000 And then, uh, and then...

01:01:00.000 Right.

01:01:03.000 Godfather of Soul, James Brown, said, I can get you a meeting with the president and we'll get in there tomorrow. 0.99

01:01:09.000 I want to say it was Nixon or fucking Reagan or Carter. 0.95

01:01:12.000 James Brown just called the office and was like, we got a meeting. 0.99

01:01:15.000 I saw it in the movie Good Hair.

01:01:16.000 We got a meeting.

01:01:17.000 And he goes, listen, I ain't taking you to meet the president if your hair aren't relaxed.

01:01:20.000 So he got his hair done just like, dude, bro!

01:01:24.000 It was on the movie Good Hair.

01:01:24.000 No way!

01:01:25.000 Best fucking movie I've seen in the longest time. 1.00

01:01:28.000 You cannot go through TSA and not guess if black women have fucking weaves. 1.00

01:01:32.000 It makes you reassess black women entirely. 1.00

01:01:35.000 Oh, that's fine.

01:01:36.000 It's the best movie.

01:01:37.000 So anyway, on Hurt Burt, I had broken my ribs.

01:01:42.000 I got mauled by a bull.

01:01:43.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:01:44.000 It's online.

01:01:45.000 Just type in Hurt Burt Rodeo.

01:01:45.000 It's online.

01:01:47.000 And this is all from your show?

01:01:48.000 This is Hurt Burt.

01:01:49.000 This is one I did right after the X show.

01:01:50.000 It hit your side, right?

01:01:51.000 Where I met you like 10 years ago.

01:01:54.000 So...

01:01:54.000 It stepped on your foot and it hit your side or something?

01:01:57.000 Broke my ribs and broke my foot.

01:01:58.000 A bull did this to you? 1.00

01:01:59.000 Bull didn't teach me a fucking thing on this show. 1.00

01:02:01.000 They just bring me in and go, so today you're going to be a rodeo clown. 0.99

01:02:04.000 I go, what do I need to know?

01:02:05.000 And they just stay away from the bull and just let the bull loose, put me in the makeup.

01:02:08.000 Oh my God. 0.99

01:02:09.000 And it just fucking broke. 0.99

01:02:10.000 It just mauled me. 0.99

01:02:11.000 You're lucky you're live, man. 1.00

01:02:12.000 Dude, you have no fucking idea. 1.00

01:02:14.000 You have no fucking idea. 1.00

01:02:15.000 Who's responsible for this show? 0.99

01:02:17.000 Mark Cronin.

01:02:18.000 Who's the producers?

01:02:18.000 Mark Cronin, the guy who does...

01:02:20.000 He did Celeb Reality on VH1. What year was this?

01:02:24.000 2000? 0.99

01:02:25.000 Oh, so they really weren't hip to how dangerous all this shit was. 0.97

01:02:29.000 It was done through Fox, and they were literally like... 0.99

01:02:32.000 I remember them going...

01:02:34.000 It's simple.

01:02:35.000 We'll just pay him as a contestant and then we'll give him the rest of his money for being a producer.

01:02:39.000 So I was covered.

01:02:41.000 Because you're a contestant.

01:02:42.000 Technically.

01:02:43.000 I was like a reality show contestant.

01:02:45.000 So I was covered under that insurance clause.

01:02:48.000 And then I was just paid like 80% of the money as a producer, an executive producer on the show.

01:02:54.000 But the idea was...

01:02:54.000 Wow.

01:02:56.000 You can't sue yourself because you're a producer.

01:02:59.000 Right.

01:02:59.000 It's your idea.

01:03:00.000 And it's the most brilliant show that never took off.

01:03:03.000 It was Jackass meets Dirty Jobs.

01:03:06.000 Do you want to see it, Joe?

01:03:07.000 I would go out and I would take dangerous jobs for a day.

01:03:11.000 So I was a professional football player, MMA fighter, hockey player, dominatrix, gimp. 0.90

01:03:15.000 Did you actually have an MMA fight? 0.99

01:03:17.000 No, I just fucking fought three Gracies at once. 1.00

01:03:19.000 And they just beat me up. 0.98

01:03:21.000 Yeah, so that was what I watched. 1.00

01:03:23.000 Man, what is it like putting your fucking body on the line like that all the time? 0.99

01:03:28.000 I was young, and I was in, and I just was like, and that was the theme of entertainment at the time, was that like, Jackass, I had done this ass wax in like 2000 that had blown up before Jackass. 1.00

01:03:39.000 I've done an ass wax? 0.96

01:03:40.000 It's the funniest thing I've ever done in my entire life. 0.99

01:03:42.000 I swear to God, if you're listening to this, just type in hurt Burt ass wax.

01:03:47.000 And it's longer because that's the way segments were made then. 0.74

01:03:49.000 But it is the funniest thing I've ever done.

01:03:53.000 The funniest.

01:03:54.000 Wow.

01:03:55.000 Like Cher got a hold of it and started passing around to people.

01:03:57.000 And like it got TalkSoup clip of the year.

01:04:00.000 How do I not know this? 0.98

01:04:01.000 That's the reason I'm not fucking... 0.85

01:04:02.000 Literally everything I've ever done has just kind of like fallen. 0.96

01:04:05.000 It happened...

01:04:05.000 How long is this clip?

01:04:06.000 It's too long.

01:04:08.000 Too long? 0.99

01:04:08.000 Yeah, ass whacks. 0.99

01:04:10.000 And then we did the bull thing. 0.99

01:04:13.000 I broke my ribs.

01:04:14.000 And so we had to kind of stay in the city because I couldn't really travel.

01:04:16.000 So after you broke your ribs, did they give you time off?

01:04:19.000 Say, okay, heal up and then you go right back at it?

01:04:21.000 You know, like two weeks and then...

01:04:23.000 What?

01:04:24.000 Yeah, two weeks and then...

01:04:24.000 Two weeks off and you have broken ribs.

01:04:26.000 Two weeks I just laid in bed, was on bed rest, didn't do anything. 0.99

01:04:29.000 Right, but you can't just go back out with broken ribs because they can fracture and become embedded in your organs or shit. 0.97

01:04:36.000 Yeah, we didn't really think a lot of this through. 1.00

01:04:37.000 God damn, dude. 0.99

01:04:38.000 Dude, when I was a football player, we were doing helmet-to-helmet contact. 1.00

01:04:41.000 I basically shot a porn one day when I was the dominatrix camp.

01:04:45.000 I basically shot a porn. 0.99

01:04:47.000 I mean, I was naked, and this girl was just fucking doing everything she could to my junk, like putting weights on my balls and... 1.00

01:04:47.000 Really? 1.00

01:04:52.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:04:53.000 You had to do this?

01:04:54.000 It was insane.

01:04:55.000 It was the Wild West of reality television.

01:04:58.000 Because what was huge at the time is fear factor, right? 1.00

01:05:00.000 Everyone's eating shit and jumping out of shit and like crazy. 0.99

01:05:03.000 And so it was this next level stuff where you didn't know you could just host something and be charming and people would stick around for that. 1.00

01:05:09.000 You just had to take it to the next level. 0.98

01:05:10.000 You had to fucking try to bring it. 1.00

01:05:12.000 And you were competing with that dog-eat-dog, like, jackass. 1.00

01:05:15.000 Right. 1.00

01:05:15.000 I forgot about dog-eat-dog. 1.00

01:05:16.000 I mean, yeah, it was like the craziest shit. 0.98

01:05:19.000 So then the opus, not the opus, but like the height of it was towards the end when they were like, hey, do you want to fight a bear? 0.99

01:05:25.000 And I was like, who does that for a living?

01:05:27.000 And they're like, you do on Thursday.

01:05:30.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:05:31.000 Sure enough, man, they just took me out and fucking... 0.99

01:05:33.000 Dude, what was that like? 0.99

01:05:36.000 Terrifying, because you see the bear, he's totally wild.

01:05:40.000 Like, he's jumping up and down, and there's like a crew there. 0.98

01:05:43.000 And I'd gotten this, but this time I realized I don't give a shit about my safety, because I'd already gotten fucked up by the bull. 0.98

01:05:48.000 So what they're looking for is the end, is to hurt Bert, Bert to be hurt at the end. 0.97

01:05:53.000 So then, I mean, it's a little bit of a bit.

01:05:57.000 It's not a bit, but the story is a story.

01:06:00.000 I get there, and the trainer's like, this is how we'll do it.

01:06:02.000 Take these, and he hands me five marshmallows.

01:06:04.000 He goes, when the bear's not looking, take a marshmallow and put it in your mouth.

01:06:08.000 And then casually walk in front of the bear and show him the marshmallow like...

01:06:14.000 And allow the bear the opportunity to engage you and take the marshmallow out of your mouth.

01:06:18.000 With his mouth, this way he'll learn to trust you. 1.00

01:06:20.000 And I'm like, fuck that. 1.00

01:06:22.000 Like, who needs that trust? 1.00

01:06:24.000 And I'm borrowing money from him?

01:06:25.000 Oh my god.

01:06:27.000 But you don't know any better.

01:06:28.000 At the time, I'm 28 years old, maybe?

01:06:30.000 29?

01:06:31.000 And I did it, and then he goes, alright, we're ready.

01:06:31.000 Oh my god.

01:06:35.000 So what the fuck was that like when that bear tongued you? 1.00

01:06:38.000 I felt like you were making out with a homeless person. 1.00

01:06:40.000 Like, just fucking... 1.00

01:06:41.000 Bear lips look like a 17-foot woman's vagina just going ear-to-ear on you, just... 1.00

01:06:47.000 And his giant teeth and his giant head. 1.00

01:06:49.000 And just tongue right behind the margin. 0.98

01:06:50.000 What is it like knowing that that bear went and killed somebody after that?

01:06:54.000 I don't know.

01:06:55.000 I think it's probably like the guys who missed their flight on 9-11.

01:06:58.000 Like, you don't think about it.

01:06:59.000 You don't go like...

01:07:00.000 Because I didn't die, so I'm like...

01:07:02.000 You're the appetizer. 1.00

01:07:03.000 Fuck, dude. 1.00

01:07:04.000 But yeah, it's the... 1.00

01:07:06.000 I mean, the entire experience was like terrifying.

01:07:08.000 We ended up fighting, and then they go, so look, if you're in trouble, just say marshmallow.

01:07:12.000 Because then that's your safe word, and we'll get you out.

01:07:14.000 Marshmallow. 1.00

01:07:15.000 Yeah, and so that fucking beginning of the fight, I'm like, fucking Marshmallow! 1.00

01:07:19.000 Marshmallow! 0.99

01:07:20.000 And the bear's just throwing me around.

01:07:21.000 I'm like, Marshmallow!

01:07:22.000 And then the bear put my face in his chest, and I couldn't breathe. 0.98

01:07:25.000 And then he spun me doggy style and fucking had me in a bear hug where you're like, helpless. 0.98

01:07:30.000 And then I just started looking at the crew and the trainer, and I'm like, Marshmallow, get me the fuck out of here, Marshmallow. 0.99

01:07:35.000 And the trainer's like, go limp! 0.90

01:07:36.000 I'm like, please be talking to me right now, and not the bear. 1.00

01:07:40.000 There's a bear cock climbing up my jeans. 1.00

01:07:42.000 Shit. 1.00

01:07:43.000 But yeah, that's technically how it went down. 1.00

01:07:43.000 Marshmallow. 1.00

01:07:47.000 So they didn't save you?

01:07:49.000 No, I went up and slid out the bear, and then the bear ended up sitting on my face.

01:07:54.000 And then my wife, they put a marshmallow in her mouth, and the bear got off, and then they pulled me away.

01:07:59.000 Oh my god.

01:08:00.000 Is that online?

01:08:01.000 You let your wife get kissed in the bear after he was so worked up like that? 1.00

01:08:06.000 I would never do that.

01:08:07.000 And then I went in and tamed lions that day.

01:08:07.000 She did it.

01:08:10.000 Tamed four lions. 0.99

01:08:11.000 Fucking washed an elephant. 0.99

01:08:11.000 Dude. 0.99

01:08:13.000 I mean, literally.

01:08:14.000 What?

01:08:15.000 Wow.

01:08:16.000 Hurtbert was probably the greatest show no one ever saw. 1.00

01:08:19.000 God damn, dude. 1.00

01:08:20.000 You're giving me anxiety. 1.00

01:08:22.000 Just listen to these stories.

01:08:24.000 So why is it somebody with such anxiety?

01:08:26.000 It seems like you have a lot of anxiety and stuff that do all these crazy shows because you also do a show where you ride the craziest roller coasters and you do all these intense things, but it seems like you wouldn't.

01:08:36.000 It seems like you'd be cooking shows or something.

01:08:38.000 I don't know how I got these jobs.

01:08:38.000 I don't know.

01:08:40.000 I just got them like...

01:08:43.000 You know, I don't know.

01:08:44.000 I don't know why they go to me.

01:08:45.000 How did you get the first one?

01:08:47.000 How did you get Hurt Burt? 0.56

01:08:48.000 I got Hurt Burt because I did the Ass Wax. 0.94

01:08:50.000 So the Ass Wax was for what? 0.97

01:08:52.000 The X Show. 0.94

01:08:52.000 It was for the X Show. 0.94

01:08:54.000 Okay, now I remember the X Show.

01:08:56.000 Now I'm remembering it. 0.97

01:08:57.000 It was the funniest fucking two minutes of television when Joe was on. 0.97

01:09:00.000 Because Gary Valentine, we all went into Gary's green room, me, you, and Kevin Sussman. 0.98

01:09:05.000 Jeff Sussman.

01:09:06.000 And we were talking bullshit and one of the producers came in and they're like, so here are the questions we were going to ask Joe and Gary's like, fuck that. 1.00

01:09:13.000 I've known Joe forever. 1.00

01:09:14.000 We're going to be fine.

01:09:14.000 We're just going to go out there and riff.

01:09:15.000 Do you remember this at all?

01:09:16.000 Sort of.

01:09:17.000 So we go out.

01:09:18.000 It's me and Gary and you.

01:09:20.000 And you sit down and Gary was...

01:09:23.000 I love him like a brother, but he was the worst host in the world.

01:09:28.000 The worst.

01:09:29.000 So he goes...

01:09:30.000 All right, welcome back.

01:09:31.000 I got my buddy Joe Rogan.

01:09:33.000 How you doing, Joe?

01:09:33.000 I've known Joe forever.

01:09:34.000 And you're like, just like, pretty good, Gary.

01:09:36.000 And he's like, all right.

01:09:37.000 All right.

01:09:38.000 Yeah.

01:09:40.000 Okay.

01:09:44.000 He just locked up.

01:09:45.000 I was like, so Joe, you are doing the MMA thing now?

01:09:48.000 And he goes, ah!

01:09:48.000 And you're like, yeah.

01:09:49.000 Joe, you've always been into that, man.

01:09:50.000 You've always been into that.

01:09:51.000 And it was so uncomfortable.

01:09:53.000 They made us do it again.

01:09:54.000 You don't remember this at all?

01:09:55.000 They made us do it again.

01:09:56.000 So then they go, okay, Gary.

01:09:58.000 And he's like, they gave him the questions.

01:10:00.000 And he's like, don't worry.

01:10:01.000 Don't worry.

01:10:02.000 Fuck, don't worry. 1.00

01:10:02.000 Don't fucking worry. 1.00

01:10:03.000 I got this. 0.99

01:10:04.000 We'll just, I'll get you into one of your bits, okay?

01:10:04.000 Come on, Joe.

01:10:06.000 All right.

01:10:07.000 Hey, we're back.

01:10:08.000 I'm here with Joe Rogan.

01:10:09.000 Joe, I've known Joe forever.

01:10:10.000 Joe, I haven't seen you in a while.

01:10:11.000 And you're like, yeah.

01:10:12.000 And he's like, you've been on the road?

01:10:13.000 And you're like, pretty much.

01:10:14.000 He's like, great.

01:10:15.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 1.00

01:10:19.000 And I'm fucking laughing my tits off next to Gary. 1.00

01:10:22.000 And Gary's like, ha, ha, ha. 1.00

01:10:25.000 And then they're like, take it again.

01:10:26.000 And then you're like, ask me about this.

01:10:28.000 And Gary's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:10:28.000 Ask me about that.

01:10:29.000 That's where we'll go.

01:10:30.000 That's where we'll go.

01:10:31.000 But it ended up being funny.

01:10:32.000 Dude, I completely forgot about this until you just brought it up.

01:10:35.000 This is like an old, dusty memory.

01:10:37.000 I want to see it.

01:10:38.000 I'm in the corner of an attic right now with a broom going, is that what that is? 0.99

01:10:41.000 Let me clean that fucking... 1.00

01:10:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:42.000 Do you have a flashlight?

01:10:42.000 Get a flashlight.

01:10:43.000 It was so fucking... 0.98

01:10:45.000 Dude, I completely... 0.99

01:10:45.000 That would have been erased forever. 0.99

01:10:47.000 If you gave me a piece of paper and said, describe your appearance on the X show.

01:10:52.000 Something really crazy happened with Gary Valentine.

01:10:54.000 I would have wrote, never went on that show. 1.00

01:10:55.000 Don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

01:10:57.000 Yeah, that's right. 0.99

01:10:58.000 Is it that online anywhere?

01:11:00.000 No, those were the outtakes that they'll never use.

01:11:02.000 The X show was like a Maxim.

01:11:04.000 They were trying to do like a Maxim magazine sort of a TV show.

01:11:09.000 They were trying to do a hot, sexier man show.

01:11:12.000 Wasn't the guy from Studs?

01:11:14.000 Wasn't he a part of that?

01:11:15.000 Mark DiCarlo.

01:11:16.000 Yes.

01:11:16.000 He's actually a really cool dude.

01:11:18.000 Do you remember Studs?

01:11:19.000 No. 0.88

01:11:20.000 Studs was a show that was the most ridiculous dating show, like, ever. 0.96

01:11:20.000 Oh. 0.96

01:11:26.000 And it was, like, the most arrogant guys and the most... 0.73

01:11:26.000 Oh, yes. 0.73

01:11:30.000 It was, like, one of the first looks into reality TV. Yeah.

01:11:33.000 Probably.

01:11:34.000 But we didn't recognize it because it was sort of a show.

01:11:38.000 I mean, it was like a dating show.

01:11:40.000 We didn't recognize that it was reality TV. It was, yeah, Mark DiCarlo, and then he got fired.

01:11:45.000 That guy Justin from the movie with Alicia Silverstone.

01:11:49.000 Do you remember Clueless?

01:11:51.000 Yeah.

01:11:52.000 He was the pretty boy.

01:11:53.000 I don't remember that.

01:11:53.000 He got fired, and then John Webber got fired, and me and Gary Valentine got brought on.

01:11:58.000 Oh, that's right.

01:11:58.000 You guys came in at the very end.

01:12:00.000 And that's how I met Stanhope, because it was up between me, Gary Valentine, Doug Stanhope, and some guy, Scott Henry.

01:12:06.000 Wow, if you stick around in Hollywood long enough, man, you'll have some crazy stories that just accumulate.

01:12:10.000 I remember going to the improv one time, and Stanhope was on stage.

01:12:15.000 And I don't know if he saw me or if he didn't, but he ended up doing like 15 minutes on me.

01:12:19.000 On you?

01:12:20.000 Just making fun of like...

01:12:22.000 But it was very...

01:12:23.000 Which show was it from?

01:12:25.000 The X Show.

01:12:26.000 And he goes, he was just talking about a shitty show on television that they give to a younger comic because he has some heat generated behind him. 0.87

01:12:36.000 Ooh, that sounds bitter. 0.83

01:12:37.000 What it's like.

01:12:38.000 But it was really funny.

01:12:40.000 It was murdering.

01:12:41.000 And then I was in the back, and I'm sitting there like, I wonder if he knows I'm here.

01:12:44.000 And then at the very end, he's like, don't get me wrong, Bert Kreiser.

01:12:49.000 You're a nice guy, I'm sure. 0.98

01:12:50.000 But I want to see you one week in fucking Iowa when it's snowing and you can't leave your hotel. 0.98

01:12:55.000 And there's only an Arby's to eat next door to you. 0.99

01:12:58.000 And you've got to fucking drink wine just to get through the... 0.97

01:13:00.000 And does this whole bit. 0.99

01:13:02.000 And then I'm in the back, and I'm just like, I'm fucking leaving. 0.94

01:13:04.000 So then cut to... 0.99

01:13:07.000 Probably four years later, I'm in Sacramento, soulless, empty, like in the fucking Taffy District or wherever the fucking place is. 0.99

01:13:15.000 And I'm just empty and I'm drinking a lot. 0.99

01:13:18.000 And I email Stan Hope.

01:13:19.000 And I'm like, I wonder if I can reach out to the dude.

01:13:22.000 Because comics are all like, you know each other.

01:13:24.000 Right.

01:13:24.000 So I email Stan Hope.

01:13:25.000 And like 20 minutes later, I get a message back.

01:13:27.000 Long, like a long like, oh, welcome to the quickening.

01:13:31.000 Yeah.

01:13:33.000 And then he just emailed me now and then, like, how you doing, baby girl?

01:13:38.000 Stan Hope called me up the other day, pie-eyed drunk.

01:13:41.000 He called me, and I tried to, like, I realized, like, right when we started talking, you know, he wanted to talk, I wanted to, he got an altercation with Janine Garofalo on the green room, Paul Provenza's green room, so I wanted to hear, like, his version.

01:13:54.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:13:54.000 Oh, shut up. 0.98

01:13:55.000 I'm so turned on to Janine Garofalo, by the way. 1.00

01:13:57.000 Are you really? 0.99

01:13:58.000 Fucking so turned on to me. 0.99

01:13:59.000 It feels like it's 1999. She's in 1993 right now. 1.00

01:14:01.000 Oh my gosh, she looks so good right now.

01:14:03.000 For real?

01:14:03.000 But go ahead.

01:14:04.000 Yeah, she stopped drinking.

01:14:05.000 Is that what you're into?

01:14:06.000 You into that look?

01:14:07.000 No.

01:14:07.000 At all the choices?

01:14:08.000 My wife kind of looks like her. 1.00

01:14:08.000 Yeah, maybe I am. 1.00

01:14:09.000 Tracy Lord's in her prime, or... 0.72

01:14:11.000 I'm going Ginny Garofalo.

01:14:12.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:14:13.000 Tracy Lord's fuck definitely going to Ginny Garofalo. 1.00

01:14:15.000 I would have agreed in 1993. Tracy Lord's you don't think is hot? 0.99

01:14:19.000 No.

01:14:20.000 What is wrong with your DNA? I used to fuck blonde chicks all the time. 1.00

01:14:24.000 She's got brown hair. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Oh, I thought she had blonde hair. 1.00

01:14:27.000 I didn't even notice. 0.99

01:14:29.000 How the fuck did you notice? 0.98

01:14:31.000 So what happened with Dan Open to Garofalo? 0.99

01:14:31.000 Wait, wait, wait. 0.99

01:14:33.000 Okay. 0.98

01:14:34.000 Apparently, Garofalo, on her first set after 9-11, Went on stage at the Laugh Stop in Houston, and according to Stanhope, what she said is that everybody should just back the fuck off, and Noam Chomsky should back the fuck off and leave George Bush alone, because this is obviously a crazy situation, and the guy's doing the best he can. 0.96

01:14:53.000 And Stanhope was saying that he was very disappointed because he went to see her expecting some really biting social commentary. 0.96

01:15:00.000 Stanhope was doing this bit about 9-11 that he was really sticking his neck out there.

01:15:05.000 He was like, I guess your God takes Tuesday off.

01:15:09.000 He was doing this thing about all these people praying for God and how this came through in spite of all these people, this religious fervor.

01:15:17.000 And he had this big anti-war thing that he was working on.

01:15:20.000 And, you know, he was really into it.

01:15:22.000 And so when he went and saw Jeanine Garofalo and she's like saying, you know, give George Bush a break, like that always nodded him.

01:15:28.000 So he brought it up on the show, apparently. 0.97

01:15:30.000 Fucking love Doug Stanton. 0.97

01:15:31.000 And I talked to Jamie Kilstein and Kilstein saw it and he gave me his version of it. 0.99

01:15:35.000 And then I talked to Doug and... 0.99

01:15:36.000 I got this fucking version. 0.99

01:15:39.000 You know, Doug gave me the drunk man version. 1.00

01:15:42.000 He was hammered when I talked to him.

01:15:44.000 It was a really crazy conversation because Doug and I, we have these conversations where, you know, we'll talk like every few months and it's like, okay, where are you at?

01:15:55.000 What are you thinking about?

01:15:56.000 And then when we're talking, it's like, you know, this doesn't make sense and that doesn't make sense and then what happens and, you know, what's the point in even concentrating on any of this?

01:16:03.000 Right, exactly.

01:16:04.000 I'm there too.

01:16:04.000 Yeah.

01:16:05.000 And we'll have like these weird conversations, you know, where we're just trying to like, how much have you been trying to figure out in life in the last three months since we last talked?

01:16:11.000 And then we try to like figure out, you know, if either one of us has come to any conclusions that make you happy.

01:16:17.000 And in the middle of this, he goes, is there anything, is there anything that gives you hope?

01:16:22.000 Is there anything that gives you hope?

01:16:25.000 And I was just sitting there going, wow, what a strange conversation.

01:16:29.000 I'm sober.

01:16:30.000 Completely sober. 1.00

01:16:31.000 He's fucked up drunk. 0.97

01:16:33.000 And he's going, dude, is there anything that gives you hope? 0.99

01:16:35.000 Maybe he's thinking of a tagline for himself.

01:16:37.000 You should have thought.

01:16:38.000 You should have said the fleshlight.

01:16:40.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:16:41.000 That fucking gives me hope. 0.99

01:16:42.000 15% off. 0.99

01:16:43.000 Go to my website.

01:16:44.000 Now, what was...

01:16:46.000 His version of it, I mean, he just was relaying exactly what he saw, and he thought it was disappointing that she didn't take a stand.

01:16:53.000 And he's not attacking her, he's just telling her. 0.91

01:16:55.000 Quite honestly, after 9-11, who the fuck knew exactly what happened, and who knows still? 0.96

01:16:55.000 Yeah, but you know what? 0.96

01:17:00.000 I have a real issue with people that want to argue about 9-11, and It's a fucking inside job. 0.95

01:17:05.000 Or, you know, there's no way the government would have done that. 0.98

01:17:07.000 Either argument where you're so goddamn sure.

01:17:10.000 You know, that whole thing is just a bunch of puzzles. 0.79

01:17:13.000 There's a bunch.

01:17:14.000 I watched that Jesse Ventura show, and I don't know if he's telling the truth or if it's real. 0.97

01:17:18.000 But if it is real, what he said on that conspiracy show is fucking terrifying. 0.60

01:17:24.000 Rumsfeld had a press conference the day before the 9-11 attacks where they said that some insane amount of money in the trillions was missing and they couldn't account for it and they were working on it. 0.86

01:17:33.000 And then the next day, the Pentagon gets hit in the exact same spot where the accounting offices are, where all that information was stored.

01:17:40.000 That's what got hit in the Pentagon.

01:17:42.000 And they're talking about trillions of dollars that were unaccounted for.

01:17:45.000 See, I have no understanding of that.

01:17:49.000 It's so abstract to me, first of all, when you start talking about trillions of dollars.

01:17:52.000 I mean, I can't even wrap my head around that.

01:17:54.000 I don't even know what that means.

01:17:55.000 And then when you tell me that the money was unaccounted for, And they smash this plane or missile, if you listen to some people, into the exact offices.

01:18:06.000 What does that mean now?

01:18:07.000 They didn't have a backup somewhere? 0.99

01:18:09.000 They didn't back their shit up online? 0.99

01:18:10.000 I don't know what happened to that money. 0.99

01:18:12.000 So if you don't know what happened to that money, then this conversation's over.

01:18:15.000 Because we can't talk until we have any information.

01:18:17.000 But there's so many different things about 9-11 that make you go, why did that happen?

01:18:21.000 Why did this happen? 0.95

01:18:22.000 What the fuck happened to that Tower 7? 0.98

01:18:24.000 You can't say one way or the other. 0.99

01:18:27.000 You can't say that they did do it.

01:18:29.000 You know, the United States government was involved, and you can't say they weren't involved.

01:18:33.000 You've got to look at it and go, what did happen?

01:18:35.000 You would have to go back in time and watch it all – you would have to watch every single aspect of it play out in front of your own eyes to really be truly sure.

01:18:45.000 Yeah, I believe in some conspiracy.

01:18:47.000 I believe that the Flight 800 conspiracy, that terrorists...

01:18:51.000 Got shot by a missile.

01:18:52.000 Yeah, shot by a missile, and then Clinton just pimped it and was like... 1.00

01:18:55.000 It blew up in the middle of the fucking ocean, man. 0.98

01:18:57.000 And Clinton's like, no, that was a wiring thing. 1.00

01:19:00.000 Fuck you and all your tries. 1.00

01:19:01.000 I believe in this shit. 1.00

01:19:02.000 Yeah, if there was a way to avoid telling people that are a terrorist attack and blown up an airplane... 1.00

01:19:06.000 That you can affect us?

01:19:07.000 Yeah.

01:19:08.000 They'd do it in a heartbeat.

01:19:08.000 Yeah, for sure.

01:19:09.000 They would hide that information.

01:19:10.000 They would say, well, there's an engine malfunction and that's it.

01:19:13.000 You know, if they could find a way to avoid any sort of information getting out like that, because first of all, people are going to freak out about something that most likely with 300 million people in this country, most likely is not going to affect you.

01:19:25.000 It's an isolated incidence.

01:19:26.000 And by the way, we're immune to those isolated instances, but they happen every fucking day all over the world in these places where we're supposed to be liberating. 0.99

01:19:34.000 You know, I mean, in Iraq, fucking. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Fucking buildings just get hit by missiles. 1.00

01:19:38.000 Whoopsies. 1.00

01:19:39.000 We didn't mean to shoot this building, but we did.

01:19:42.000 Sorry, everyone who died. 0.99

01:19:44.000 I mean, that shit is commonplace outside of the world. 0.99

01:19:47.000 But if the United States government can keep us from recognizing that, they would do it. 0.99

01:19:51.000 I think they would do it and they would think they were doing us a favor.

01:19:54.000 What's Stanhope's stand-up like these days?

01:19:57.000 It's angry and dark and twisted and resolved. 0.99

01:20:02.000 It's funny as fuck. 0.99

01:20:03.000 That's what it is. 0.98

01:20:04.000 I want to do a show called Comedy Intervention, where you take a guy like Stanhope and go...

01:20:11.000 Look, here's what we're going to do, okay?

01:20:12.000 We're going to have like eight comics that he likes.

01:20:16.000 We're going to go through.

01:20:17.000 We're going to make you one hour special that you can sell on DVD. It's going to be clean and you're going to make $20 million.

01:20:25.000 And then you can do whatever you want and you can have a trust fund for the rest of your fucking life. 0.99

01:20:28.000 Because I bet if he spent some time just going through what would be Brian Regan's set list, I bet his fucking view... 0.99

01:20:35.000 Like, if he had a kid, all this... 0.99

01:20:36.000 Like, when you had your kids, did your... 1.00

01:20:40.000 Like, when you first do, you go, fuck, I'm noticing a lot of this shit everyone else noticed. 1.00

01:20:46.000 But then... 1.00

01:20:46.000 No, I didn't think that. 1.00

01:20:49.000 I mean, there's definitely going to be things that you notice that other people have already talked about, but I just...

01:20:54.000 To this day, still, like when I had a little conversation with my daughter this morning, and it's like I'm on drugs.

01:20:59.000 You had a conversation with your dog?

01:21:00.000 Daughter.

01:21:01.000 Oh, my daughter.

01:21:02.000 I was like, I think you might have been on drugs. 1.00

01:21:05.000 So I'm like a fucking... 1.00

01:21:06.000 One of those commercials. 1.00

01:21:08.000 I had a conversation with my daughter this morning.

01:21:10.000 I went to the store and I got bagels.

01:21:13.000 She loves lox, you know, like salmon. 0.68

01:21:15.000 So we're eating bagels and lox and I'm having this little conversation with her.

01:21:21.000 She's like, I love salmon.

01:21:22.000 It's so yummy.

01:21:24.000 Is it really yummy?

01:21:25.000 It is, okay.

01:21:27.000 I would like some more.

01:21:28.000 And we're having this little conversation.

01:21:30.000 I'm looking at this incredibly cute little two and a half year old person who's talking to me that I am just, I love more than anybody I've ever loved ever.

01:21:38.000 And I'm having this weird little conversation with her about salmon.

01:21:41.000 Like, do you want some more?

01:21:42.000 Daddy, I want some more.

01:21:43.000 I am not quite filled up.

01:21:45.000 And she starts laughing and she like rubs her tummy. 0.99

01:21:48.000 And then, you know, I gave her some more and she's like, delicious!

01:21:50.000 And she tries to make me laugh.

01:21:52.000 And it's like, it's surreal.

01:21:54.000 It doesn't even seem real.

01:21:55.000 I always explain children to people who don't have children.

01:21:59.000 I'm like, it's just like mushrooms. 0.99

01:22:00.000 If you haven't done mushrooms, you really don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.98

01:22:03.000 You can't say, you know, that doesn't do any good for you. 0.99

01:22:06.000 That's just an escape.

01:22:07.000 If you've done it and you have that opinion, then I would like to talk to you about it because I think it's strange that you would have that opinion if you've actually done mushrooms.

01:22:15.000 It's the same thing with children. 0.95

01:22:16.000 People say, you know, Yeah, it's just a bunch of fucking cells and no big deal, man. 1.00

01:22:23.000 Get over it. 0.99

01:22:24.000 You say that, but it's love.

01:22:26.000 It's love in the purest form.

01:22:28.000 And most of the time you're dealing with douchebags in life and it's very difficult to be open and loving all the time and to really...

01:22:34.000 Just put out only positive energy.

01:22:37.000 You feel like people will walk over you.

01:22:38.000 Experiences that you had when you were growing up getting bullied and I had and everybody has.

01:22:42.000 It's very difficult to put out love like that.

01:22:44.000 So it's easy to dismiss it when you have an absolute pure form of love for a baby that you're raising.

01:22:52.000 People who don't have them don't understand.

01:22:54.000 It's like being a born-again Christian.

01:22:56.000 Sort of, I guess.

01:22:57.000 And you almost have this look to your friends like, don't worry.

01:23:01.000 When you get saved, you'll figure it out.

01:23:03.000 Sort of, but it's also tremendous responsibility where I just felt like a massive growth and maturity and pragmatic way of looking at things just kicked into seven gears higher.

01:23:15.000 I started working harder. 0.99

01:23:17.000 I started focusing more on certain shit. 0.99

01:23:19.000 It's like... 1.00

01:23:21.000 It's an evolutionary stage. 0.99

01:23:22.000 I really believe that just like when a healthy bird leaves the nest, you talk to kids that are like 30 that still live at home, they're fucked up. 0.99

01:23:31.000 There's something wrong with them. 0.99

01:23:32.000 They never really went out and did their own shit, and they never really became adults. 1.00

01:23:36.000 They're stuck in this salamander stage where they never quite blossomed into the mature animal. 0.99

01:23:42.000 And so when I see that, I think that...

01:23:48.000 Having children is another stage like that.

01:23:50.000 I'm not saying that everyone should have children.

01:23:51.000 Oh, I don't think that at all.

01:23:52.000 No, definitely not.

01:23:53.000 Or that having children is going to definitely evolve you or that you need to do it to evolve.

01:23:58.000 I'm not saying that.

01:23:58.000 Yeah, some people end up drowning their kids in the tub.

01:24:00.000 Fuck yeah, they do. 1.00

01:24:01.000 Yeah, there's some crazy assholes out there. 1.00

01:24:02.000 And not only that, sometimes they get involved with someone who's like really detrimental to you, but you like to fuck them. 1.00

01:24:07.000 And all of a sudden you have a baby with that person. 1.00

01:24:09.000 And now you have this...

01:24:10.000 It's an incredibly chaotic relationship where they try to keep the baby from you, to manipulate you.

01:24:15.000 Things can get really ugly.

01:24:17.000 But for me at least, I think having a child kicked my whole being into another level. 0.98

01:24:24.000 I went from being a guy who hung out at the Hollywood Improv Drinking Until the bar closed to literally the week my daughter was born, being on the road every single fucking week.

01:24:35.000 Like, taking feature sets for no money, just because I knew that I'd get better and better. 0.83

01:24:41.000 Just really ambitious.

01:24:42.000 Just horrifically.

01:24:43.000 And now I'm on the place where I think I'm traveling like 50 weeks this year.

01:24:46.000 Wow.

01:24:47.000 Do you bring your wife with you and your kids?

01:24:49.000 Yeah, I'm doing a trip to Indianapolis, Arizona, and then Cancun.

01:24:54.000 But it's for Bert the Conqueror.

01:24:56.000 So we'll go to the greatest theme parks.

01:24:58.000 So I'll take them.

01:24:59.000 Oh, that's great.

01:25:00.000 And we'll take them.

01:25:00.000 We'll just spend the day at a theme park.

01:25:01.000 And they have an escort.

01:25:04.000 And they can just go do wherever they want.

01:25:06.000 So now it's turning out.

01:25:08.000 I think this summer we're going to do it pretty heavily.

01:25:10.000 Has there been any of these rides that were the worst?

01:25:13.000 What's the most craziest one you went to? 0.95

01:25:16.000 I think the Stratosphere really fucked my head up. 0.92

01:25:19.000 That's the one in Vegas? 0.95

01:25:21.000 Man, I was bad the night before.

01:25:23.000 I was throwing up in a bathtub and called my wife and told her I was running into the desert. 0.98

01:25:27.000 I was like, I'm fucking out. 0.98

01:25:28.000 I'm going to get sued for this production cost because I'm not going to do it. 0.97

01:25:32.000 You were not scared of it?

01:25:34.000 After you've been on a bull?

01:25:36.000 Or after you've been attacked by a bull?

01:25:37.000 You know heights, man.

01:25:38.000 Heights is a different thing, man.

01:25:40.000 It shuts your brain down.

01:25:42.000 Look at your fingers.

01:25:42.000 You're moving so fast.

01:25:44.000 As I'm talking about it, my ass just started sweating. 0.99

01:25:47.000 Really? 1.00

01:25:47.000 The second I talk about it, it knocks your stomach out. 1.00

01:25:50.000 I mean, I can't even look at the videos online of people on those Russian kids climbing on the tower.

01:25:54.000 We talked about that.

01:25:55.000 Did you see that? 1.00

01:25:56.000 My asshole starts tingling. 1.00

01:25:57.000 Oh my god, it's so hard to watch. 1.00

01:25:58.000 I told the man, my wife's like, just tell the producers... 1.00

01:26:02.000 You can't do it.

01:26:03.000 And just be a man about it.

01:26:04.000 So I called this guy Dan Adler that morning and I hadn't slept and I'd been drinking and it was a bad scene.

01:26:10.000 I was a wreck. 0.99

01:26:11.000 I was a real fucking wreck. 0.99

01:26:12.000 And I was like, dude, I can't do it. 0.98

01:26:14.000 It's not going to happen today.

01:26:15.000 And he was like, that's fine.

01:26:16.000 That's totally cool.

01:26:17.000 I get that.

01:26:18.000 But here's the deal.

01:26:19.000 If you're not going to do it, I need you to not do it on the edge of the building.

01:26:23.000 Like, I need you to get all the way to that moment and then back off.

01:26:28.000 Wow.

01:26:28.000 And I was like, and he goes, and you do not have to do it.

01:26:30.000 But I can make a show out of that.

01:26:32.000 I can't make a show if you just go, I'm not doing it.

01:26:34.000 So I was like, okay.

01:26:35.000 So I went through the whole thing.

01:26:36.000 Did the training.

01:26:38.000 Got the jumpsuit on.

01:26:39.000 Did all my interviews.

01:26:40.000 Got up to the top.

01:26:41.000 Started doing my reads.

01:26:42.000 And my cameraman, this guy Scott Sands, is hanging off the building.

01:26:46.000 Literally tethered in and hanging off the building with a camera. 0.99

01:26:48.000 Fearless motherfucker. 1.00

01:26:49.000 This guy fucking loves that shit. 1.00

01:26:52.000 Ugh. 1.00

01:26:52.000 And he's videotaping my reads, and I'm on the edge, and I'm fucking my... 1.00

01:26:57.000 I've pissed my pants a little at this moment. 0.99

01:27:00.000 Like, it's just bad.

01:27:01.000 It's a bad scene.

01:27:02.000 And Scott starts laughing.

01:27:03.000 And I go, what?

01:27:05.000 And he's like, you know, there's like 400 people at the bottom waiting for you to jump.

01:27:09.000 I was like, Andy's like, there's like 200 behind you right now.

01:27:12.000 He goes, dude, it's going to be much easier to jump than to tell 600 people and the mayor who's waiting for you with a shot of tequila that you're not jumping.

01:27:20.000 The mayor was waiting for you with a shot of tequila?

01:27:23.000 I was the first person to jump on the ride.

01:27:25.000 I was the first guy to do it. 1.00

01:27:27.000 So I was like, shit. 0.99

01:27:28.000 He was like, I just jumped, man. 1.00

01:27:29.000 It's 16 seconds.

01:27:30.000 And then it'll be over.

01:27:32.000 16 seconds is so long. 1.00

01:27:33.000 It's a fucking free fall for 16 seconds. 1.00

01:27:36.000 This is your free fall. 1.00

01:27:38.000 You just jumped right now.

01:27:39.000 And right now you're thinking, oh, the ride works. 0.98

01:27:43.000 But then you're thinking, man, this is really fucking high. 0.99

01:27:45.000 This is really fucking high. 0.98

01:27:47.000 And you're looking at a target below. 0.98

01:27:49.000 Oh my god, still not even time.

01:27:51.000 You're about eight steady stories.

01:27:53.000 And right now you're Time.

01:27:54.000 You're 40 stories away.

01:27:55.000 You still haven't landed. 1.00

01:27:56.000 Did you shit yourself? 1.00

01:27:57.000 Did you shit yourself or anything? 1.00

01:27:59.000 Explain the ride to me because I don't know it. 1.00

01:28:01.000 It's controlled descent.

01:28:02.000 So they took you in on a seven-point harness and with basically a big fishing reel.

01:28:08.000 And so you jump and you fall and that tether makes sure you don't run into the building or swing out.

01:28:15.000 It basically keeps you in one kind of area so you can land on the target.

01:28:18.000 Yeah, but what if it gets windy?

01:28:20.000 It was very windy my day, as a matter of fact.

01:28:23.000 They do it by gusts.

01:28:24.000 So it's gusts of like 45 miles per hour.

01:28:26.000 So it's a windometer.

01:28:28.000 So anytime a wind gust hits 45 miles per hour, they shut the ride down for 15 minutes.

01:28:31.000 And then they wait for the wind gusts to go back down.

01:28:34.000 And my day, they were just peaking. 0.98

01:28:35.000 But they were like, they had fucking 100 people waiting to do it. 0.90

01:28:38.000 And they needed to open the ride. 0.96

01:28:39.000 And you can see that they're just like, ignore it, ignore it, ignore it. 0.99

01:28:42.000 So then I'm just a fucking... 0.96

01:28:45.000 And I've got my producer, Lonnie, is like in the background with my script going like, I need you to say, I'm here in Las Vegas on the top of the strip. 1.00

01:28:53.000 And I'm like, and I just start going, fuck you, Lonnie. 1.00

01:28:55.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:28:56.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:28:56.000 You can fuck yourself. 1.00

01:28:57.000 I'm fucking jumping right now. 1.00

01:28:58.000 And she's like, Bert, don't jump. 1.00

01:28:59.000 And I'm like, fuck everyone. 1.00

01:29:00.000 I'm fucking jumping. 1.00

01:29:01.000 And now I know they can't use any of that because you can't use cursing. 0.98

01:29:04.000 And so then I'm like, and then I'm like, calm down.

01:29:07.000 I'm like, okay, seriously, I'm going to jump.

01:29:09.000 And they just use that, me jumping.

01:29:10.000 So then we do it.

01:29:12.000 I land.

01:29:12.000 I have a religious moment.

01:29:14.000 I start crying.

01:29:14.000 I take a shot, and I'm just like, I'm alive.

01:29:16.000 There's no better feeling in the world than surviving a fucking 110-story jump. 1.00

01:29:22.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

01:29:24.000 110 stories is the height of the Sears Tower. 1.00

01:29:27.000 Oh, God.

01:29:28.000 Think about standing on the edge of the Sears Tower.

01:29:30.000 And then I get down, I do it. 1.00

01:29:32.000 I'm like, fuck. 1.00

01:29:32.000 And they're like, can you do it again? 1.00

01:29:34.000 And I was like, no, I'm not.

01:29:35.000 I'm done. 0.98

01:29:36.000 So then two weeks later, they're like, listen, we didn't get any of your fucking reads. 0.98

01:29:40.000 I was like, what? 0.98

01:29:41.000 And they're like, we didn't get any of your reads.

01:29:42.000 We need to send you back to Vegas to do pickups. 1.00

01:29:46.000 Because there's a lot of shit because you were so fucked up that we didn't get. 1.00

01:29:49.000 So I was like, okay. 0.99

01:29:50.000 So we have to reshoot the episode, but we're just basically...

01:29:53.000 Everything but the jump.

01:29:54.000 Everything but the jump is what they're telling me.

01:29:56.000 So then we get up to the top I know where this is going. 0.98

01:29:59.000 And my buddy Scott Sands goes, look dude, I put in for like a fucking $120,000 lens. 0.99

01:30:07.000 I'm going to sit a mile from you, but I'm going to shoot you from a mile. 0.99

01:30:10.000 And if you jump, it's going to look sick. 0.99

01:30:13.000 And I was like, Scott, I'm not jumping.

01:30:15.000 And he goes, I'm just saying, man.

01:30:16.000 It's your show.

01:30:17.000 Do you want it to get picked up for a second season?

01:30:19.000 It's going to look sick. 1.00

01:30:20.000 So then I was like, fuck. 0.99

01:30:21.000 So I get up to the top, and I know I'm not jumping. 0.99

01:30:23.000 I know I'm not jumping.

01:30:24.000 And then I get up to the top, and I realize, standing on the edge, it's easier to jump than to walk away from it. 0.99

01:30:29.000 So I was like, fuck it. 0.99

01:30:31.000 And I just jumped again. 1.00

01:30:33.000 Had the same religious moment.

01:30:35.000 You get down to the bottom.

01:30:35.000 It's not religious.

01:30:36.000 It's like a spiritual awakening where you're like... 0.99

01:30:38.000 I'm fucking alive. 0.99

01:30:39.000 I'm going to hug my kids. 0.99

01:30:41.000 They called me two weeks ago and they're like, the Navajo Bridge in Arizona, they want me to jump off it and do a bungee jump.

01:30:49.000 It's like 500 feet.

01:30:50.000 It's pretty gangster for a bungee jump.

01:30:54.000 Dude, 500 feet is really high.

01:30:57.000 Free fall for 400 feet.

01:30:59.000 Free fall bungee style.

01:31:01.000 How long does that take?

01:31:02.000 Probably eight seconds.

01:31:05.000 And the real pimp part is, you don't jump.

01:31:08.000 Four dudes lift you up like you're on a boat and they just throw you off.

01:31:12.000 Oh my god. 0.99

01:31:13.000 So you're fucking, you feel out of control. 1.00

01:31:15.000 And I'm looking for a celebrity to do it with because I don't want to do it by myself. 1.00

01:31:19.000 Joe, get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:31:21.000 Straighten your back up right away. 0.99

01:31:22.000 Yeah, no, I'm fine, man.

01:31:23.000 You'd never do that?

01:31:24.000 No.

01:31:25.000 Really?

01:31:25.000 Not into that.

01:31:26.000 Not into that.

01:31:27.000 I'm not either, but...

01:31:29.000 I'm not into tricking my brain into thinking I'm almost dying.

01:31:33.000 I get it.

01:31:34.000 I get it.

01:31:35.000 It looks like fun.

01:31:35.000 I don't need that kind of stress in my life.

01:31:37.000 It's all my life filled with right now.

01:31:39.000 It's crazy, man.

01:31:40.000 It's not even that much money.

01:31:42.000 Well, is it helping your gigs, though?

01:31:44.000 It should be helping your gigs.

01:31:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:31:46.000 I sold out five shows in D.C. this week.

01:31:49.000 But it's family-friendly audiences.

01:31:52.000 Oh, no.

01:31:52.000 So you just have to train them to watch what you watch.

01:31:56.000 You did it.

01:31:57.000 Well, that's something you were saying, too.

01:31:58.000 Yeah, that's what you were saying when you were talking about comedy intervention, like getting someone and taking someone and making them super clean and realizing there's so much money out there in that.

01:32:07.000 Yeah.

01:32:08.000 I couldn't do it clean.

01:32:10.000 Yeah.

01:32:10.000 And a guy like Stanhope couldn't do it either.

01:32:12.000 It wouldn't be fun anymore.

01:32:13.000 It wouldn't be the same thing.

01:32:14.000 It would be all of a sudden there's a job that you can do where you can make money.

01:32:16.000 But you're not going to be really doing stand-up anymore.

01:32:18.000 You're not going to be doing what?

01:32:19.000 Like your brain won't be thinking the way it normally thinks when you're on stage.

01:32:22.000 Or I feel like my brain is just juggling thoughts to me like, ooh, this would be good.

01:32:26.000 You can't do that if you're saying, no, can't go there.

01:32:29.000 Nope, can't go here.

01:32:30.000 Nope, can't say that.

01:32:31.000 Be careful when you say this.

01:32:32.000 Yeah.

01:32:33.000 Don't want to offend any sponsors.

01:32:34.000 So when you do stand-up now, when you were saying that you get them to like what you like, you know, or get them to know what you do.

01:32:40.000 I start about my kids.

01:32:43.000 Like, I'll start.

01:32:44.000 I mean, they're not good.

01:32:45.000 They're not by any stretch of the means.

01:32:47.000 Clean jokes.

01:32:47.000 One joke's about my daughter.

01:32:48.000 My daughter's in a room. 1.00

01:32:49.000 My youngest was fingering her ass and putting it in the dog's mouth. 1.00

01:32:55.000 They finger their assholes all the time. 1.00

01:32:57.000 It's so disturbing. 1.00

01:32:59.000 She'll be talking to me about playing on the swings, and she's just digging in her vagina. 1.00

01:33:04.000 Just fingers in her vagina. 1.00

01:33:06.000 Sue, maybe we can go on a swing? 1.00

01:33:07.000 What do you think?

01:33:08.000 Maybe we can do that?

01:33:09.000 Maybe you can stop fingering yourself when you're talking to your dad. 1.00

01:33:12.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:33:15.000 But that joke, when you do something about your children fingering their ass, that takes all the parents that went to see a clean show and puts everyone at the same level and goes, oh, that shit does happen. 1.00

01:33:26.000 So then once their brains get reset for that, then they go, okay, all this shit does happen. 1.00

01:33:31.000 He's not being mean. 0.99

01:33:32.000 I stopped doing racial jokes, like being heavy on racial jokes, just because I was like, I don't fucking know. 0.96

01:33:37.000 I don't care. 0.98

01:33:39.000 I don't give a shit enough about equality to put my job on the line to try to make everyone even. 0.99

01:33:45.000 I'll get into nights if it's an all-black room where I just do black jokes. 0.99

01:33:48.000 But not mean, but just what I do, black jokes. 0.84

01:33:51.000 And then you do that. 0.99

01:33:53.000 And once you do that, you have a fucking power of attorney to do anything. 1.00

01:33:56.000 Because even the clean people go, my kids finger their ass too. 1.00

01:33:59.000 Right, right, right. 0.99

01:34:00.000 And then I talk to the audience a lot.

01:34:04.000 But when you were saying that you used to do racist jokes or racial jokes.

01:34:09.000 Racial jokes. 0.93

01:34:11.000 And you stopped doing them because they offended too many people?

01:34:14.000 No, no one ever got offended, but I just noticed that I was, for one, I was obsessing on it.

01:34:19.000 I could write, all day long I could write jokes about black people. 1.00

01:34:25.000 I swear to God, if you put me in a room with a black audience, all I'll do is talk about black people. 1.00

01:34:31.000 All I'll do. 0.99

01:34:33.000 And now, the furthest I go is I have a joke about...

01:34:36.000 I think it's racist that they don't make black baby powder.

01:34:41.000 I just think that from a company named Johnson& Johnson, they would have thought of that by now.

01:34:45.000 That's pretty funny.

01:34:46.000 And then they go, that's how I'm going to make a million dollars.

01:34:48.000 I'm going to make black baby powder.

01:34:51.000 And then I'll call it Magic Johnson& Johnson.

01:34:54.000 So then one night, this is great.

01:34:56.000 One night, this black dude sits up in an audience in Miami.

01:34:58.000 He goes... 1.00

01:34:59.000 Hey, motherfucker, when you get done your little joke about black baby powder, I'll tell you I don't make shit. 1.00

01:35:05.000 And so I was like, I think I'm done with the joke now. 1.00

01:35:08.000 Like, what?

01:35:09.000 Why don't they make it?

01:35:10.000 And he goes, we don't have a problem with moisture the way you guys do.

01:35:14.000 He goes, every time I hug a white guy, it's like hugging a dolphin. 0.99

01:35:18.000 He goes, black people have a problem retaining moisture. 1.00

01:35:21.000 Oh. 0.99

01:35:22.000 So they have a problem getting ashy. 1.00

01:35:24.000 So they have to always stay moist, whereas white people are constantly fucking moist. 1.00

01:35:28.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:35:29.000 And so he's like, they just never needed black baby powder.

01:35:32.000 Dude, he schooled you.

01:35:34.000 And I was like, but it was awesome.

01:35:35.000 It was like a great moment.

01:35:36.000 I love, dude, if I had a videotape of every experience I've had with black people in an audience, I would be the most famous comic in the world.

01:35:45.000 Yeah.

01:35:45.000 I've had black dudes get on stage in Miami, right?

01:35:49.000 Real shit. 1.00

01:35:50.000 Fucking three gangsters in the front row. 1.00

01:35:52.000 True story on my children. 1.00

01:35:54.000 Fucking, they're ruining the show for everyone. 1.00

01:35:56.000 And I go up and I just talk to them. 1.00

01:35:57.000 One dude gets up on stage halfway through my set. 1.00

01:35:59.000 And he's like, this is a real motherfucker. 0.99

01:36:02.000 He's keeping a real, real talk right now. 1.00

01:36:04.000 Real talk. 1.00

01:36:04.000 You know what real motherfuckers get in the 305? 1.00

01:36:06.000 And he drops his pants and shows his dick. 1.00

01:36:08.000 Place goes bananas, right? 1.00

01:36:09.000 They're like, and it's the biggest, blackest. 1.00

01:36:12.000 It's almost purple.

01:36:13.000 It's so black. 1.00

01:36:14.000 But it's huge.

01:36:15.000 It's huge.

01:36:16.000 And I'm like, that is real. 0.99

01:36:18.000 That is fucking real. 1.00

01:36:20.000 How big is his dick? 1.00

01:36:21.000 Fucking monstrous. 1.00

01:36:22.000 Nine inches. 1.00

01:36:22.000 Ten inches. 1.00

01:36:23.000 And it's a shower.

01:36:24.000 It's like a thick.

01:36:25.000 It's thick. 0.91

01:36:27.000 Thick and uncircumcised. 1.00

01:36:29.000 I'm just looking at it like, holy shit. 1.00

01:36:31.000 So then I go, man, that's fucking... 1.00

01:36:33.000 His name was Ray. 0.99

01:36:34.000 I don't know why I remember that. 0.99

01:36:35.000 But I'm like, Ray, I go, I think you might want to get off stage because I can guarantee you they're calling the cops right now and I don't want you to go to jail for just showing your dick. 0.99

01:36:44.000 He's like, I appreciate that. 0.99

01:36:45.000 Good looking out.

01:36:46.000 And then he puts his pants on and leaves.

01:36:48.000 So then I go, man, how do you follow that?

01:36:50.000 Another gangbanger stands up, gets on stage. 0.99

01:36:52.000 I go, please tell me we're seeing another cock right now. 1.00

01:36:54.000 He pulls his pants down, fucking just as big, but lighter, like a lighter brown. 1.00

01:36:59.000 And I'm like, holy shit. 1.00

01:37:01.000 And I was like, you might want to go catch up with Bray, because I guarantee they're calling the cops now. 0.99

01:37:05.000 So they're sitting with, I swear to you all my children, they're sitting with a hairless albino, okay? 1.00

01:37:10.000 And I said, and now the crowd is like fucking in a fevered pitch. 1.00

01:37:14.000 I go, that's funny, out of all the dicks I wanted to see, it was yours. 1.00

01:37:17.000 He stands up, gets on stage, takes his dick out, and it looks like a lighthouse. 1.00

01:37:22.000 There's no grass, no grass. 1.00

01:37:24.000 Bright white. 1.00

01:37:25.000 And they're flipping over fucking tables now. 1.00

01:37:28.000 Like fucking going nuts. 1.00

01:37:30.000 And I was like, ladies and gentlemen, that's my show. 1.00

01:37:31.000 That's the perfect way to end it.

01:37:34.000 Just got off like, that's my show! 1.00

01:37:36.000 Damn it. 0.99

01:37:37.000 How do you follow that? 1.00

01:37:39.000 You can't follow that.

01:37:40.000 Can't follow it.

01:37:41.000 I literally... 1.00

01:37:42.000 A white glow-in-the-dark Casper the ghost dick? 1.00

01:37:44.000 Oh, it was beautiful. 1.00

01:37:46.000 And it was big.

01:37:46.000 It was big.

01:37:47.000 I swear to you, it was big.

01:37:48.000 And I was like... 0.98

01:37:50.000 I was like fucking and then and then they all waited for me out at the bar and they were like, dude, we're taking you out and I was like, I don't know This doesn't end this way But I was in my like I want to be Dave Attell phase Hardcore and I was like, I'm fucking going out with these guys. 0.99

01:38:04.000 This is what comedy is about. 0.99

01:38:05.000 It's having this experience I went in one time to do radio and Miami's my crazy club like I go in and I do the fucking morning pimp show and they happen to have this You do the improv in Miami all the time? 0.83

01:38:16.000 You like that place? 0.92

01:38:17.000 I stopped going to that place But you can't, you can't, because you're not, you're famous.

01:38:22.000 So, when, like, some...

01:38:24.000 No, no, I stopped going way before I was famous.

01:38:26.000 But that club wants to get the best of you. 0.97

01:38:28.000 Like, they want to show you you're wrong.

01:38:30.000 I saw, no, what happened with me was, I was on stage once and I brought up a boxer.

01:38:34.000 I forget the boxer's name.

01:38:36.000 I think it was Oscar De La Hoya in one of my jokes.

01:38:38.000 Oh, you referenced him. 1.00

01:38:40.000 And a fight broke out in the audience over, you know, you know, fuck Oscar De La Hoya, finish trying to kick his ass! 1.00

01:38:46.000 And then dudes were standing up and yelling at each other. 1.00

01:38:48.000 And an argument broke out in the crowd over what boxer was the best boxer. 0.96

01:38:52.000 Who would fuck who up.

01:38:53.000 And I just stopped and said, I'm never coming back here. 0.97

01:38:56.000 Is that just a bad audience?

01:38:57.000 No, that's very common there.

01:38:59.000 Miami Improv, they lost control of that place a long time ago.

01:39:04.000 They gave away too many free tickets.

01:39:06.000 They gave away a ton of free tickets if you're white. 0.96

01:39:08.000 Because they can sell tickets to black people. 0.80

01:39:10.000 And then, so one time I go to the Morning Pimp Show, and they have this gang in there called the Zo Pound, right? 0.99

01:39:15.000 A real gang?

01:39:16.000 A real gang, dude.

01:39:16.000 Look it up, they were on gangland, okay?

01:39:18.000 These are all Haitian motherfuckers. 1.00

01:39:20.000 So they're doing this thing, this song, I'm a Zo, that's a song, that they're singing in studio. 1.00

01:39:26.000 They have a song?

01:39:26.000 And now mind you, I'm just doing radio.

01:39:27.000 I'm doing press. 1.00

01:39:28.000 Like, I'm just there to fuck around. 0.99

01:39:29.000 But I know the one thing I do in these stations, I bring a bottle of tequila in, and then I get everyone drunk, and then I just take my shirt off and we go fucking crazy. 0.98

01:39:36.000 When you do press, you always bring in tequila?

01:39:38.000 Sometimes.

01:39:39.000 Sometimes.

01:39:40.000 What?

01:39:40.000 I've done it before, but I think that's more because I'm an alcoholic and not for...

01:39:45.000 And they'll get drunk with you in the morning?

01:39:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:47.000 And you'll sell out the entire fucking weekend. 1.00

01:39:51.000 That's awesome. 0.99

01:39:51.000 Because all anyone's doing is driving to work wishing they were drinking, and then they hear you drinking, and all the rules go out the door, and every show lets you stay on until fucking 11. That's awesome. 0.99

01:40:02.000 It's been like a little trick I've done.

01:40:04.000 Wow, but what do you feel like for the rest of the day?

01:40:07.000 Take a nap.

01:40:08.000 Take a nap?

01:40:10.000 Take a nap.

01:40:12.000 I look at you when you go into a radio.

01:40:15.000 I've seen your radios and you'll come in high. 1.00

01:40:16.000 High as fuck. 1.00

01:40:17.000 And I'm like, how do you function for the rest of the day? 1.00

01:40:19.000 Oh, dude, but high doesn't kick your ass. 1.00

01:40:21.000 See, I smoke weed and then I go to the gym. 0.99

01:40:24.000 Like, it doesn't affect me the same way.

01:40:26.000 I go, like, if I'll do, like, the morning radio and I'll smoke some weed before the morning radio...

01:40:31.000 I'll go to the gym afterwards.

01:40:32.000 I'll go lift weights.

01:40:33.000 I'll run or I'll do the elliptical machine.

01:40:35.000 Like, it feels good.

01:40:36.000 I usually...

01:40:36.000 Yeah, I don't do that.

01:40:37.000 When I drink, man.

01:40:38.000 When I drink, I'm done.

01:40:39.000 The next day, I'm done.

01:40:40.000 I have a very long history with drinking.

01:40:42.000 So...

01:40:45.000 Oh, so there's O'Pound.

01:40:46.000 Yeah, so these guys are singing.

01:40:48.000 And I'm doing Shots to Kill and they're calling me cocaine because I'm white.

01:40:52.000 And so then I tell them, I go, you guys can come to my show tonight if you want.

01:40:56.000 And they're like, oh, we're coming, we're coming, we're coming. 0.99

01:40:58.000 Oh, you're crazy.

01:40:58.000 So I'm like, this will be fun because I've just seen these guys on gangland, right?

01:41:02.000 So they come to the show.

01:41:03.000 What? 0.99

01:41:03.000 And like 15 minutes in, they walk on stage, like, matte just deep with their fucking bottle of tequila, and they're like, we're drinking this on stage right now. 0.99

01:41:12.000 And I'm like, holy shit, and DJ Laz comes up, and we all just fucking... 0.99

01:41:16.000 DJ Laz? 0.99

01:41:17.000 DJ Laz. 0.99

01:41:18.000 You say that like we're supposed to know who the fuck that guy is? 0.99

01:41:20.000 He's the biggest DJ in South Florida. 0.99

01:41:22.000 Oh, really?

01:41:22.000 For, like, Latinos.

01:41:23.000 Yeah.

01:41:23.000 Okay.

01:41:24.000 But, like, if you're a white comic and you can get in that room and do well, you'll sell out for the weekend. 0.86

01:41:29.000 Like, you're not sellout, but you're not buying tickets.

01:41:31.000 I'm doing West Palm this weekend.

01:41:33.000 Not this weekend, next weekend.

01:41:35.000 You doing Paul and Ron?

01:41:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:41:38.000 They're great, dude.

01:41:38.000 Yeah, they're great guys.

01:41:39.000 They'll fucking... 0.99

01:41:40.000 Yeah, I've done their show many, many times. 0.99

01:41:41.000 Those guys are really cool.

01:41:42.000 That's a great club.

01:41:44.000 And you probably know Johnny, the guy that's managing it now.

01:41:46.000 Yeah, I've been to that club a long time ago, back when it was a smaller club.

01:41:49.000 Dude, that's your market. 0.98

01:41:50.000 Those guys fucking, like, those people, like, when you get done a show, you know who the big comics are, and you know who the ones that people don't go see are. 0.99

01:41:56.000 Based on what comics go. 0.99

01:41:59.000 So, do you know guys, like, everyone always says, do you know Rogan?

01:42:02.000 Everyone always wants to know if you know Dane Cook.

01:42:05.000 Who do you know?

01:42:06.000 Who do you hang out with in Hollywood?

01:42:08.000 Basically, and I'm always like, yeah, they're all great, they're all great. 0.97

01:42:11.000 Do you ever talk shit about anybody? 0.98

01:42:13.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:42:14.000 What comics do you talk shit about? 0.99

01:42:15.000 I can't say. 0.99

01:42:16.000 Can't say?

01:42:17.000 I can't say.

01:42:18.000 But, I mean, you can probably guess. 1.00

01:42:20.000 But, yeah, I talk shit about it. 0.98

01:42:23.000 I've got to stop because there's comics I've talked shit about a lot, a lot, that just came up to me and they're like, dude, I'm a big fan. 0.99

01:42:29.000 I'm like, oh, me too, me too, me too. 0.69

01:42:31.000 It's the worst feeling in the world.

01:42:34.000 Like, you know, Ari is someone who I initially did not like.

01:42:38.000 Really?

01:42:38.000 Because I met him one night and he was just standoffish.

01:42:41.000 But he was just Ari.

01:42:42.000 He wasn't being standoffish. 1.00

01:42:43.000 Yeah, and I wanted to meet him and then he didn't and then he walked away and then I was like, I was like, oh, fuck that guy. 0.99

01:42:48.000 And then I saw... 1.00

01:42:50.000 And then I saw his Amazing Racist.

01:42:53.000 And I was like, I saw a clip and I wanted to hate it. 0.65

01:42:56.000 I wanted to hate it.

01:42:57.000 Really?

01:42:57.000 Because he was kind of weird.

01:42:59.000 Then I watched it and it was the best thing. 0.99

01:43:01.000 I said, I don't give a fuck. 0.99

01:43:01.000 When I see that guy again, I'm going to make friends with him. 0.99

01:43:04.000 And I saw him at the improv one night, right after the shit went down with you and Messia. 0.93

01:43:08.000 And you guys switched. 0.96

01:43:09.000 And I was like, dude, I just want to tell you, I'm a big fan.

01:43:12.000 You make me laugh a lot.

01:43:13.000 And Ari's just like, really?

01:43:15.000 Thanks, man.

01:43:16.000 We hung out.

01:43:17.000 But if you tell people you like them, then they like you too. 0.98

01:43:21.000 That's all you have to fucking do. 0.95

01:43:23.000 A lot of times, comics are standoffish with each other because everyone is so competitive. 0.99

01:43:27.000 Especially early on.

01:43:28.000 Comics, for some reason, have this weird thing where they think that if someone else is being successful, Somehow or another, it keeps them from being successful.

01:43:36.000 Their success takes away from you.

01:43:38.000 That could have been yours or something crazy.

01:43:40.000 It's this weird, illogical connection that a lot of comics make. 0.99

01:43:43.000 And it almost happens with every fucking comic you meet. 0.98

01:43:46.000 Yeah, why is that? 0.99

01:43:47.000 I don't know.

01:43:48.000 I know because I'll have arguments with comics in my head.

01:43:51.000 Like fake arguments?

01:43:54.000 I had an argument with Opie from Opie and Anthony in my head.

01:43:56.000 I've never met the guy in my entire life.

01:43:57.000 That's hilarious.

01:43:58.000 But I love their show, and I've wanted to get on their show to promote things.

01:44:02.000 Oh, dude, you'd be awesome on their show.

01:44:03.000 You're perfect for their show.

01:44:04.000 They never let me on.

01:44:05.000 They're always like, no, no.

01:44:07.000 They still don't let you on?

01:44:07.000 No, still don't let me on.

01:44:08.000 Listen, Opie listens to this show sometimes.

01:44:10.000 I guarantee you, he'll hear about this from Twitter, and he'll have you on.

01:44:14.000 I had a dream last night. 0.97

01:44:15.000 Drop some clips of the funniest shit that he said, and you'll be on Opie and Anthony for sure. 0.98

01:44:17.000 So here's what happened. 0.98

01:44:18.000 I had a dream last night that I could fly, and I flew into Opie and Anthony's studio. 0.99

01:44:22.000 And I was walking around, and I was like, oh shit. 0.98

01:44:24.000 Like, fly through the air? 0.99

01:44:25.000 Yeah, but they're a studio.

01:44:25.000 Without a plane?

01:44:26.000 Without a plane, I was flying.

01:44:27.000 I was flying.

01:44:28.000 And it was in a tent.

01:44:29.000 It was in a tent.

01:44:30.000 And I went in, and they had these gift bags.

01:44:32.000 And I was like, oh.

01:44:33.000 So I opened one up and I was stealing one.

01:44:35.000 I was like, I want to get one of these.

01:44:36.000 I love Opie and Anthony.

01:44:37.000 This will be awesome.

01:44:38.000 And then it was an Opie and Anthony scarf. 1.00

01:44:39.000 So I pulled it out and I went, oh, fuck. 0.99

01:44:41.000 I can't use an Opie and Anthony scarf because I never want to know. 0.99

01:44:44.000 I got it from here.

01:44:45.000 And then they'll be like, we didn't give it to you.

01:44:46.000 So I put it back.

01:44:47.000 And then I left.

01:44:48.000 I flew away. 0.99

01:44:49.000 And then as I was hovering above their tent where they were doing their show, Opie came in and said, who stole this fucking scarf? 0.99

01:44:54.000 And I was like, you know what? 0.99

01:44:55.000 If I man up to this and tell them, Norton will have my back.

01:44:57.000 So I go in and I go in and I'm like, listen, I'm the one who opened that.

01:45:02.000 I didn't steal it.

01:45:03.000 Norton was in there. 1.00

01:45:04.000 And Opie's like, who the fuck are you? 0.99

01:45:06.000 And he basically, in my dream, my brain told me everything about me that I think. 1.00

01:45:09.000 Like all the horrible shit. 0.99

01:45:10.000 So now I'm pissed off at Opie for fucking saying that to me. 1.00

01:45:13.000 So I start getting in a fight with him. 0.99

01:45:15.000 And then I wake up, right?

01:45:16.000 And then I literally laid in bed arguing with Opie.

01:45:18.000 Never met him.

01:45:19.000 I listen to his show every day. 0.99

01:45:20.000 I'm the biggest fucking fan. 1.00

01:45:21.000 So you were preparing yourself in case you- In case I go in and he literally does the typical Opie throw a chest set at me, fucks with me, ruins me, tries to make me look like a fool. 0.99

01:45:33.000 He doesn't really do that to comics, though. 0.96

01:45:35.000 He only does that- He did.

01:45:36.000 He used to, I think.

01:45:37.000 They used to a lot.

01:45:38.000 Really?

01:45:39.000 Yeah, they did it to the guy that killed himself.

01:45:40.000 Who?

01:45:42.000 The guy in the bathtub.

01:45:43.000 Oh, Richard Jennings?

01:45:45.000 They did it to Richard Jennings.

01:45:46.000 No.

01:45:47.000 Did they?

01:45:47.000 Really?

01:45:48.000 Yeah, they made him stand outside the studio and they wouldn't let him in.

01:45:51.000 What?

01:45:52.000 All radio show guys would sell out their mom for a bit. 0.67

01:45:55.000 Wow.

01:45:56.000 I didn't know they did that.

01:45:56.000 If they think they could get a good bit out of humiliating me.

01:45:58.000 So what happened with the Richard Jenny thing?

01:46:00.000 What was the story?

01:46:01.000 Literally, I probably listened to every opening of Anthony.

01:46:04.000 Just back in the day, they made him sit outside the studio in the glass and they made him do his interview from there.

01:46:14.000 What?

01:46:15.000 Like, I think.

01:46:16.000 Do you think he was in on it, though?

01:46:17.000 No, no, no, no.

01:46:18.000 I don't think they liked him.

01:46:20.000 Why?

01:46:20.000 I don't know.

01:46:21.000 I don't remember this whole story.

01:46:22.000 I'm probably paraphrasing in a way that makes it horrible.

01:46:25.000 He was a guy that had a weird reputation, though.

01:46:28.000 Jenny was a troubled guy.

01:46:30.000 Brilliant comedian, though, man.

01:46:32.000 I went to see him when I was an open-miker at Catch a Rising Star in New York.

01:46:35.000 And he really influenced me a lot early in my career to the point where I caught myself a couple times on stage when I was really young when I was sounding just like him. 0.88

01:46:44.000 I was like, boo, I gotta fucking make sure I don't...

01:46:46.000 I mean, I sound like I'm ripping him off. 0.96

01:46:48.000 I'm imitating him, you know?

01:46:49.000 I think so many comics do that.

01:46:51.000 Oh, he was so good, man.

01:46:52.000 Anyway, when I saw him in Catch a Rising Star, he influenced me so much because he just freeballed.

01:46:57.000 He had so much material.

01:46:58.000 He just went all over the place with it.

01:47:00.000 I had never seen anybody do that before.

01:47:02.000 Everybody else that I had seen do sets, they always had sort of an opening that they would always do.

01:47:07.000 Then they'd have a middle part, and then they'd have a closer.

01:47:10.000 But when I saw Richard Jenney, man, I saw him a couple times in a row.

01:47:13.000 And every time I saw him, he was doing like a different hour and a half.

01:47:16.000 And I was like super humbled.

01:47:18.000 He was so quick.

01:47:19.000 I remember hosting for him at the Hollywood Improv, and I'm in the back watching him.

01:47:23.000 And, you know, I'd come from New York, so I was like, in my head, I was like, if I didn't know you in New York, you're not anything.

01:47:29.000 Basically, I was basically saying, if you're not Geraldo, Attell, Hedberg, in my head.

01:47:33.000 Right.

01:47:36.000 Someone says, he says something, and now we're going to go over there and look for, this is right after 9-11, now they want to tell us to go over there and look for weapons of mass destruction? 1.00

01:47:44.000 What a load of bullshit is that? 0.99

01:47:45.000 You think they got them? 1.00

01:47:46.000 And some lady goes, they have nuclear weapons! 1.00

01:47:48.000 And he goes, listen, you dumb whore, if they had them, they would have fucking used them. 1.00

01:47:53.000 Do you think they're holding back? 1.00

01:47:55.000 And I was just on the floor.

01:47:56.000 I was like, what a great perception.

01:47:58.000 Would they use them?

01:48:00.000 Right.

01:48:01.000 Of course they would have used them.

01:48:02.000 But yeah, he was great.

01:48:04.000 He was so prolific, and he was the best guy that I had ever seen at really dragging the most out of a subject.

01:48:11.000 He would get on a subject, and he would fuck that subject up from all different angles.

01:48:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:48:16.000 And right when you thought he was done, he would go deeper. 0.99

01:48:18.000 And then he would go deeper.

01:48:19.000 And it made me realize, like, man, that's something that's really present in amateurish comics, where they will touch on a subject and then immediately have a quick joke and then immediately go to another subject.

01:48:29.000 It's me.

01:48:29.000 Well, it's everybody in the beginning.

01:48:31.000 It's me. 0.98

01:48:31.000 I've gotten so fucking lazy. 0.98

01:48:33.000 It's a bad thing, man. 0.98

01:48:35.000 It's really easy to do, especially when you get comfortable on stage, especially if you do a lot of ad-libbing.

01:48:41.000 When you get a good ad-lib, you're like, wow, that was genius.

01:48:43.000 I'll keep that, as opposed to looking for the better one.

01:48:45.000 But Jenny would take any subject, whatever it was, and just find all sorts of angles with it.

01:48:50.000 He never really got the credit I think he deserved.

01:48:53.000 It's really weird.

01:48:54.000 I just think people didn't appreciate how good he was.

01:48:56.000 He was in the Eastside Comedy Club in New York, in Long Island.

01:48:59.000 I saw him there, too.

01:49:00.000 And I remember Peter Bales, who was the host, was just shaking his head back and forth.

01:49:05.000 He's like, he did three different hours.

01:49:07.000 He did three different shows in three totally different hours.

01:49:09.000 He didn't repeat one joke once.

01:49:11.000 I was influenced by Attell massively.

01:49:14.000 Is that guy you drinking to?

01:49:16.000 No, I told you.

01:49:19.000 Explain that because this is a crazy story.

01:49:21.000 You didn't say this on the podcast.

01:49:23.000 In 1997, Rolling Stone magazine wrote a six and a half page article about me calling me the number one party animal in the country.

01:49:31.000 This actually gets a little weirder.

01:49:32.000 Were you doing stand-up back then?

01:49:33.000 No, just partying.

01:49:35.000 I had a notorious reputation at Florida State for being funny but being a wild party animal. 1.00

01:49:41.000 What kind of shit were you doing? 1.00

01:49:42.000 Just fun shit. 1.00

01:49:44.000 I think loudest guy in the room shit. 1.00

01:49:47.000 I remember I used to climb up on this telephone pole outside the bars on Tennessee Street. 1.00

01:49:51.000 There would be 500 people out there. 0.99

01:49:52.000 And I'd just stand up and I'd go, Everyone shut the fuck up and listen. 1.00

01:49:56.000 If you want to smoke weed, go to my house. 0.99

01:50:00.000 And the cops are all sitting there.

01:50:01.000 I have tons of weed, enough for everybody.

01:50:04.000 And we're all going to have a blast and get high.

01:50:06.000 If you know where I live, you're invited.

01:50:08.000 If you don't, ask someone. 1.00

01:50:09.000 Just know and tell the fucking cops. 1.00

01:50:11.000 And you'd have literally 500 people just giggling at the idea that someone was offering them weed in front of a cop's face. 1.00

01:50:17.000 And what do the cops say when you do this?

01:50:19.000 They would laugh too. 0.99

01:50:20.000 Like one time for an election I got naked for this election and just shit on a pizza box and won the election. 0.99

01:50:27.000 Election for what? 0.99

01:50:28.000 For my fraternity. 1.00

01:50:29.000 I just got up naked and shit on a pizza box. 0.99

01:50:31.000 And then everyone... 1.00

01:50:32.000 And that's how you won?

01:50:33.000 And then I won.

01:50:33.000 Did you wipe?

01:50:34.000 No, I just shit. 1.00

01:50:35.000 I just shit. 1.00

01:50:36.000 I learned one very important lesson. 1.00

01:50:38.000 When you go number two, you also go one.

01:50:40.000 Because I pissed all over the feet on everyone that was sitting in front of me.

01:50:43.000 Oh, no!

01:50:43.000 But you can't stop it.

01:50:45.000 When you go one, you also go two.

01:50:46.000 Oh, Jesus, dude!

01:50:47.000 And so I won the election.

01:50:48.000 So, like, all these stories came out.

01:50:50.000 And then Rolling Stone's like...

01:50:53.000 Let's do an article on him.

01:50:55.000 Oh my god.

01:50:56.000 It gets crazier.

01:50:57.000 Ready? 1.00

01:50:57.000 So you ready for the part that you go bullshit? 1.00

01:51:00.000 I will never say bullshit. 1.00

01:51:02.000 I've heard enough of your stories. 0.99

01:51:03.000 I'm not saying bullshit. 0.97

01:51:04.000 So Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life. 0.68

01:51:07.000 And then from the article.

01:51:09.000 So then I tried stand-up and I moved to New York to start doing stand-ups.

01:51:12.000 I did it once in Tallahassee and it went amazing.

01:51:17.000 I got offered my own morning show in Tallahassee.

01:51:19.000 Really?

01:51:19.000 Yeah.

01:51:19.000 Oliver Stone, I've seen the rights to my life.

01:51:21.000 Like, I start doing stand-up five months later.

01:51:22.000 Will Smith sees me do stand-up and I get a development deal with him.

01:51:25.000 Like, right out the gate.

01:51:26.000 It's like Bill Burr style. 1.00

01:51:27.000 Holy shit. 0.99

01:51:27.000 Like, been doing stand-up for no time at all. 0.99

01:51:29.000 Development deal based on the article and then the fact that I could competently do stand-up somewhat.

01:51:34.000 And then the development deal falls apart with Oliver Stone.

01:51:36.000 All the guys that have submitted their scripts for Oliver Stone's movie about my life then get their intellectual property back.

01:51:43.000 One of the guys takes...

01:51:45.000 His movie changes my name, sells it to National Lampoon, and it becomes the movie Van Wilder.

01:51:50.000 So theoretically, and I say this theoretically, loosely, I'll never be able to sue.

01:51:54.000 I never would sue.

01:51:55.000 I never would sue.

01:51:56.000 But I went into National Lampoon and did, do you remember Kevin Couch?

01:51:59.000 He used to have a show on National Lampoon.

01:52:01.000 Yeah, on XM Radio?

01:52:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:52:03.000 And I told him, I said, bring some execs in.

01:52:05.000 I've always wanted to find out if this is true.

01:52:08.000 So then he brought some execs in and I start telling the story just like I am you. 0.91

01:52:11.000 One of the guys fucking locks up like, hold on, stop right now. 0.94

01:52:14.000 What do you want? 0.99

01:52:15.000 What's going on here?

01:52:16.000 Is this like an ambush?

01:52:17.000 And I was like, no, I just want to be able to tell it on radio and know I'm not lying.

01:52:20.000 That's all I care about.

01:52:22.000 All I care about is the story being like true.

01:52:25.000 Right.

01:52:25.000 And he was like, what do you want, like your own radio show?

01:52:28.000 I'm like, ugh.

01:52:30.000 Fine.

01:52:30.000 And then he's like, we'll do a show partying with the original Van Wilder.

01:52:33.000 Are you happy?

01:52:34.000 I was like, yeah.

01:52:35.000 And so then he was like, pretty much, I was like, so I can say it's true. 0.98

01:52:38.000 So they were worried that you were going to sue them.

01:52:40.000 They were worried I was going to sue them.

01:52:41.000 Well, that must mean you have a case. 1.00

01:52:43.000 Why don't you just go fucking sue those cunts? 1.00

01:52:45.000 Barry Katz said to me one night, Papa, you can be one of two guys. 1.00

01:52:49.000 You can be the guy that sues and doesn't work, or you can be the guy that doesn't sue and works.

01:52:54.000 Which one are you?

01:52:55.000 And I was like, I'm the one.

01:52:56.000 Anything Barry Katz would tell me to do, I would immediately do the exact opposite.

01:53:00.000 Barry Katz used to drive a Ferrari while he owed everyone money.

01:53:05.000 He looked like the Grimace when they'd sell a Toyota Grimace in a car.

01:53:08.000 Just a big head sticking out of a tiny car. 0.99

01:53:10.000 He's so crazy. 0.92

01:53:11.000 He was like a big brother to me. 0.56

01:53:13.000 He was my manager for a long time.

01:53:14.000 What happened?

01:53:14.000 You got rid of him.

01:53:15.000 You wised up, right?

01:53:16.000 Yeah.

01:53:16.000 It had to.

01:53:17.000 It was like, he just never could get in touch with him.

01:53:21.000 You know?

01:53:23.000 So I just went to levity.

01:53:24.000 No comment.

01:53:24.000 I want to rewatch Van Wilder.

01:53:26.000 But it's pretty crazy.

01:53:27.000 I've never seen Van Wilder.

01:53:28.000 I think this is what you do, bro. 0.98

01:53:30.000 You find out what the fucking statute of limitations is, get to a point where you're so talented, you're so funny, you cannot lose. 0.97

01:53:36.000 You just have to keep doing what you're doing. 0.99

01:53:38.000 You cannot lose.

01:53:38.000 You're a very, very entertaining dude.

01:53:41.000 They can't stop you.

01:53:42.000 So once you get to a certain point, and then you go after them.

01:53:45.000 Get to a certain point where you're embedded into the zeitgeist.

01:53:48.000 I was just looking for a reason to use the word zeitgeist right now.

01:53:51.000 Zeitgeist.

01:53:52.000 Very important.

01:53:52.000 Show you my range.

01:53:54.000 My range as a man.

01:53:55.000 What is it?

01:53:56.000 It's a strange conspiracy movie that they've got three episodes now.

01:53:59.000 It's actually the cultural, the idea of the mind of the culture.

01:54:04.000 Get into the consciousness of the culture.

01:54:05.000 The zeitgeist is like the mind frame, like where people's heads are at right now.

01:54:10.000 The Zeitgeist.

01:54:11.000 There was a new one that they just did recently, I guess. 1.00

01:54:14.000 But a lot of it's like 9-11 shit. 0.99

01:54:17.000 I tried to watch the first one. 1.00

01:54:18.000 Incorrect shit about certain things about religion. 0.99

01:54:22.000 And then you get Zeitgeist debunked and things get really cloudy and people go online and debunk it. 0.99

01:54:27.000 And who's right?

01:54:28.000 Who's wrong? 1.00

01:54:29.000 I don't have time for this shit. 1.00

01:54:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:54:32.000 But you should sue the fuck out of those Van Wyler punks. 0.99

01:54:34.000 I'll never sue them. 0.99

01:54:36.000 That's all nice.

01:54:37.000 How about I pretend I'm you and I'll sue for you?

01:54:39.000 Do it.

01:54:39.000 And then just let me swim in your pool.

01:54:41.000 Give me your email address, bro.

01:54:42.000 You can swim in my pool.

01:54:43.000 Anytime, bro.

01:54:43.000 Come on over.

01:54:44.000 Bring your daughters. 0.86

01:54:45.000 I bring my daughters in a heartbeat.

01:54:47.000 A little park out here.

01:54:47.000 My daughters will think they swim and they're like, I can swim, daddy.

01:54:50.000 And I love just that first second where they jump in and then sink.

01:54:53.000 And then you save their lives and you see rescue in their eyes.

01:54:56.000 I can't swim, daddy.

01:54:59.000 I'm not into that.

01:55:00.000 I'm into showing them how to swim.

01:55:02.000 No, I'm trying to teach them how to swim.

01:55:06.000 Be like daddy. 1.00

01:55:08.000 I don't throw them in like fucking my Uncle Johnny. 0.99

01:55:11.000 Like, you go for it. 0.99

01:55:12.000 This is how you learn, boy.

01:55:13.000 I don't know how I learned how to swim.

01:55:15.000 That's how they did it to us. 1.00

01:55:16.000 They just threw us in fucking pools. 0.99

01:55:17.000 I can't remember not knowing how to swim. 1.00

01:55:19.000 I just always knew how to swim.

01:55:20.000 I went to swimming lessons.

01:55:22.000 I must have done something.

01:55:23.000 I just got thrown in a pool by my Uncle Johnny. 1.00

01:55:25.000 Fucking Uncle Johnny. 0.99

01:55:27.000 Same dude whose son fell down a flight of stairs. 1.00

01:55:29.000 Really?

01:55:29.000 Same uncle.

01:55:31.000 And Northeast, baby, that's how they did it. 1.00

01:55:33.000 Irish Catholic, they'll be in a fucking pool, learn how to swim. 1.00

01:55:35.000 Yeah, I grew up... 1.00

01:55:37.000 Native American style.

01:55:38.000 In Jersey and in Boston, my formative years, that Northeast sort of mentality, there's a lot to that.

01:55:47.000 It makes people more go-getter.

01:55:50.000 It makes people more ambitious. 0.98

01:55:51.000 It makes people more the kind of people that can button down and get shit done. 0.97

01:55:55.000 There's something about California. 0.96

01:55:57.000 There's something about this weather where it's 85 degrees in January.

01:56:00.000 It's so hard.

01:56:01.000 It just makes you weak. 1.00

01:56:02.000 It just makes you a soft little bitch. 1.00

01:56:04.000 I wrote this on my Twitter, and I really believe this. 0.99

01:56:06.000 People need visible nature to keep them humble. 0.99

01:56:09.000 You need to see that snowstorm coming where you know you can't do shit. 1.00

01:56:13.000 Sit the fuck down. 1.00

01:56:15.000 I hope you have logs to burn because you might need and the power might be out for a week. 0.99

01:56:19.000 Yeah.

01:56:19.000 No one's going anywhere.

01:56:21.000 And that quiet, you don't even know what quiet is until you get outside in the middle of a blizzard.

01:56:27.000 When the blizzard's over and everything's covered in snow, like three feet of snow in Boston, I would go outside and you could hear like...

01:56:38.000 Like the quiet has like a sound to it.

01:56:40.000 It's like it's empty.

01:56:41.000 It's like you don't hear anything.

01:56:43.000 The snow absorbs it all and it's almost like a fake world.

01:56:46.000 Like you go walking around and everything is white.

01:56:49.000 It's like I really feel sorry for kids that don't grow up with some snow.

01:56:52.000 Yeah.

01:56:53.000 Don't get to experience that. 0.99

01:56:54.000 And those fucking school days when you get a day off and you go outside and everything's covered in snow. 0.99

01:57:01.000 I never grew up in snow at all. 1.00

01:57:02.000 The only problem with that is you could die out there. 1.00

01:57:04.000 You could fucking freeze to death. 1.00

01:57:05.000 Fall asleep in a snowdrift and lose your foot. 1.00

01:57:07.000 Did you hear about this lady in Toronto that happened last week? 1.00

01:57:09.000 The coldest night of the year.

01:57:11.000 Apparently she had dementia and she froze to death outside in a neighborhood while she was screaming for people to help her.

01:57:16.000 Wow. 1.00

01:57:17.000 Shit. 1.00

01:57:18.000 Yeah, everyone's screaming and she just died out there. 1.00

01:57:20.000 Apparently she was just a known nut. 0.98

01:57:22.000 So like, look at that crazy broad out there screaming. 1.00

01:57:24.000 That's why I don't drink in the snow.

01:57:26.000 A lot of dudes fall asleep and lose a foot.

01:57:28.000 And die. 0.67

01:57:28.000 Lose a foot. 0.67

01:57:29.000 Everyone loses a fucking foot. 1.00

01:57:30.000 So do you still throw them down like hardcore? 1.00

01:57:33.000 Like, are you still partying like you were?

01:57:35.000 Or have you slowed down a little?

01:57:37.000 I don't know.

01:57:39.000 I've had a major stretch where I didn't drink.

01:57:41.000 At all?

01:57:42.000 Yeah.

01:57:42.000 Did you feel different on stage when you were sober?

01:57:44.000 Oh, I don't drink on stage.

01:57:45.000 Here's the thing.

01:57:46.000 Let me rephrase that because everyone that's listening has seen me on stage.

01:57:48.000 It's like, hold on.

01:57:49.000 You fell off a stage one night.

01:57:51.000 Like, I've fallen off stage twice.

01:57:53.000 Really?

01:57:54.000 Hammered?

01:57:55.000 Kinda.

01:57:55.000 Not really.

01:57:56.000 Like, I wasn't that drunk.

01:57:57.000 It just was bad footing.

01:57:58.000 Oh, okay.

01:57:59.000 Like, once in Tampa Improv and once in DC Improv.

01:58:01.000 But, yeah, here's the thing.

01:58:03.000 As I go up, I will have a beer when I get on stage.

01:58:06.000 I will drink it fairly fast, probably, to sell drinks throughout my show.

01:58:10.000 And then I process it.

01:58:11.000 You did that on purpose?

01:58:12.000 Yeah.

01:58:13.000 Really?

01:58:13.000 David Tell said to me one night, Miami Improv, he said I was featuring for him.

01:58:18.000 He said two things.

01:58:18.000 When you're featuring, you should write all the time.

01:58:22.000 You should never go up and try to kill. 0.98

01:58:23.000 You should be writing and writing because no one gives a shit about you. 0.99

01:58:26.000 And then the second thing he said is when you do get headlining, remember you are there to sell drinks. 0.98

01:58:31.000 Like as much as you want to do your art, the more drinks you sell, the more appetizing you are to the club.

01:58:36.000 And the club will bring you back if your bar sales are high.

01:58:39.000 Doesn't matter what your ticket prices are.

01:58:40.000 So I literally just went on stage and I remember, and Attell would be like, he'd bring up, he wouldn't even bring a Drink most times.

01:58:46.000 He'd bring up like a...

01:58:47.000 He'd have them singe... 0.97

01:58:48.000 I mean, whatever.

01:58:49.000 I don't want to get behind Attell's theories on drinking on stage or what.

01:58:52.000 But I would just go up and drink a beer.

01:58:53.000 No, but figure...

01:58:55.000 I mean, complete what you were saying.

01:58:56.000 He would bring up shots?

01:58:57.000 I don't know.

01:58:58.000 Now he doesn't drink, so I guess you can say it.

01:58:59.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:59:00.000 He's pretty open about it.

01:59:01.000 He wouldn't drink shots.

01:59:02.000 He would drink...

01:59:02.000 It would be like coffee.

01:59:04.000 Yeah.

01:59:04.000 Oh, he would fake it?

01:59:05.000 Yeah.

01:59:06.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

01:59:07.000 But he didn't drink now, so I don't think he gives a shit. 0.99

01:59:09.000 But he would tell me, he's like, you gotta be Superman. 0.97

01:59:10.000 You gotta be working up there.

01:59:11.000 Like, that was a tele... 0.97

01:59:12.000 A tele was never fucking drunk on stage. 0.98

01:59:14.000 Right. 0.95

01:59:15.000 So, but I would go up, and I still...

01:59:16.000 I mean, I can drink a lot of beers.

01:59:17.000 I can go up now, and I'll...

01:59:19.000 Usually what I'll do is I'll play a song that's inspiring me.

01:59:22.000 Like, because I... You know, you get bored doing a lot of road work. 0.89

01:59:25.000 Like, one was this song, Alcohol Pussy and Weed by the MJB and 8Ball. 0.99

01:59:29.000 Just fucking great. 0.99

01:59:31.000 Just first 30 seconds to the song... 1.00

01:59:33.000 Alcohol, pussy, and weed! 1.00

01:59:35.000 Alcohol, pussy, and weed! 1.00

01:59:37.000 Does that got you fired up for a show? 1.00

01:59:39.000 And it was also because I was having family-friendly people come out, and it would set the stage.

01:59:43.000 So then the second song I do is this song by Maxim Ludwig, and the Santa Fe 7 was a really great song.

01:59:50.000 And then now I go out and listen to Black Betty by Ram Jam. 0.96

01:59:55.000 And then as the song plays, I'll maybe fucking throw off a shirt, pound a beer. 0.97

01:59:59.000 Is that that song? 0.99

02:00:00.000 Whoa, Black Betty! 1.00

02:00:01.000 Bama Lam, whoa, Black Betty. 0.88

02:00:03.000 Bama Lam, Black Betty had a child. 1.00

02:00:05.000 Bama Lam, the damn thing don't lie. 1.00

02:00:06.000 Bama Lam, send your lot of money. 1.00

02:00:08.000 Bama Lam, whoa, Black Betty. 0.99

02:00:10.000 Babylon And right now everyone in the crowd's fucking humping And I'm like everyone raise a beer We're pounding a beer right now! 0.99

02:00:23.000 And then the whole fucking room lifts a beer, we pound it, and then right there, you just increased the entire bar staff, the bar bill for the club by five bucks. 0.99

02:00:31.000 How many dudes are going to slide into trees on the way home, though? 0.99

02:00:34.000 My cousin fell down a flight of stairs.

02:00:36.000 He was at that show.

02:00:38.000 Oh, that was the one?

02:00:38.000 Yeah, because then everyone sends shots, and we're talking aggressive.

02:00:45.000 What's the most shots you ever drank on stage?

02:00:47.000 Oh, I couldn't even guess.

02:00:49.000 I couldn't even maybe, like, I don't know.

02:00:51.000 Take a guess.

02:00:52.000 More than 10?

02:00:53.000 Oh, yeah.

02:00:54.000 More than 15?

02:00:55.000 No, no, no.

02:00:55.000 Probably around 10 or 12. I've had a lot of shots on stage before.

02:01:00.000 And those shows don't...

02:01:01.000 Those shows are usually more chaotic.

02:01:03.000 Like, I had one in Tampa recently.

02:01:04.000 This was, like, a really great moment where you're just so drunk you can't function.

02:01:07.000 So I bring a black guy on stage and I do an interview. 1.00

02:01:10.000 Let's always bring a black guy who shows his dick. 1.00

02:01:12.000 Thank you. 1.00

02:01:12.000 Good night. 1.00

02:01:13.000 Good night.

02:01:13.000 That's like a great new closer for you.

02:01:16.000 It's the best!

02:01:17.000 It's the best!

02:01:18.000 You bring a black guy on stage, and then one of two things will happen.

02:01:22.000 Either you say something totally hilarious, or all the white people will just applaud for whatever he says, right? 0.90

02:01:27.000 He's an engineer!

02:01:28.000 Yay! 0.99

02:01:28.000 Good for him! 0.99

02:01:29.000 He's not one of the best!

02:01:30.000 You know, like, that's what happens.

02:01:31.000 So I bring this black guy on stage, and I'm like, and I try to guess what job he did.

02:01:36.000 And then I used to have a great one where I bring a black guy, a Latino on stage, and I go, I'm going to say it the way I say it, you say it the way you say it.

02:01:43.000 And then I go, I would like to take you on a date.

02:01:46.000 And then the Latino guy would be like, mommy, mommy, mommy. 1.00

02:01:49.000 And then the black guy would be like, can a player get some conversation? 0.99

02:01:53.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:01:54.000 And then we'd do like a bunch and the crowd loved it because they were like, oh, that's right, the white guy's nerdy.

02:01:58.000 And then I'd always close with, all right, how about this one?

02:02:00.000 I'd like to apply for a home loan.

02:02:01.000 And I give it to the black guy and he's like, uh, it was great.

02:02:04.000 It was great.

02:02:05.000 So I bring this black guy on stage in Tampa and I said to him, I go, I'm at a loss.

02:02:10.000 We're having a great moment, making jokes. 0.99

02:02:12.000 And then you can slide whatever jokes you do have in your pocket into that moment, looks improv, plays, fucking flips out. 0.99

02:02:19.000 Like I tell him, oh, you remind me of my black friend. 0.99

02:02:21.000 And he's like, oh, you got a black friend?

02:02:22.000 I'm like, yeah, his name's imaginary.

02:02:23.000 And so then just bam, right off the gates.

02:02:26.000 So then I tell the black guy, I go, what do you want to do? 0.97

02:02:28.000 And he goes, let's sing a song.

02:02:29.000 I go, really?

02:02:30.000 He's like, yeah.

02:02:31.000 I go, okay.

02:02:32.000 I go, what song do you want to sing?

02:02:33.000 And he goes, Journey's Don't Stop Believin'.

02:02:35.000 I was like, alright.

02:02:37.000 I go, do you have that in the DJ booth?

02:02:39.000 So they start playing it, right?

02:02:40.000 And so now it's me and the black guy singing Don't Stop Believin' back and forth.

02:02:44.000 Just a small town girl. 0.99

02:02:45.000 And he knows all the words and it's killing.

02:02:47.000 Then I have them cut the music and the whole crowd starts singing.

02:02:51.000 And it's like, just this, like...

02:02:53.000 Living in a lonely world.

02:02:56.000 And you can literally, we would cut the music and then have it turned back on and everyone's right on time.

02:03:01.000 And then at the end of the show, it's me and the black guy, no music, and the crowd's still singing.

02:03:05.000 And it's like, do it soft.

02:03:06.000 And you can hear 350 people go, just as small.

02:03:09.000 Like, don't stop believing.

02:03:13.000 And then I'm like, do it in a Mexican accent.

02:03:15.000 And then the whole crowd's, don't stop believing. 0.89

02:03:19.000 And then the black guy's doing it one more time. 0.99

02:03:21.000 His shirt's off, right? 0.61

02:03:22.000 And then the whole crowd sings.

02:03:23.000 I grab his leather jacket, throw it on his shoulders.

02:03:25.000 I'm like, we're done!

02:03:27.000 And just that moment, you can never recreate that.

02:03:30.000 You can't recapture it.

02:03:31.000 You can't try to do it again.

02:03:32.000 Yeah, that's live performing.

02:03:34.000 It's just being in that moment and being 10 shots in and going, I don't... 1.00

02:03:38.000 Fuck it. 1.00

02:03:38.000 Yeah, fuck it. 1.00

02:03:39.000 This can't end bad. 1.00

02:03:41.000 But yeah, those moments.

02:03:43.000 But here's the problem.

02:03:44.000 You get addicted to those moments.

02:03:45.000 And then you sometimes...

02:03:47.000 I got this 90-year-old woman offstage. 1.00

02:03:50.000 And we were dancing to Alcohol, Pussy, and Weed. 0.98

02:03:52.000 And I've got her pinned donkey-style. 1.00

02:03:55.000 My hands on the ground.

02:03:56.000 My legs are up over her shoulders.

02:03:58.000 And she's just going like this.

02:04:00.000 And then you get addicted to that.

02:04:02.000 And you want to create that.

02:04:03.000 And you stop doing stand-up.

02:04:04.000 She was doing that to you? 1.00

02:04:05.000 It's online.

02:04:06.000 Just type in.

02:04:06.000 Wait, her...

02:04:07.000 She was on top of you and your legs were over her shoulders? 1.00

02:04:10.000 It's really hard to explain.

02:04:11.000 Okay, I'll see it.

02:04:12.000 I'll look for it.

02:04:13.000 But it's just type in...

02:04:14.000 I want to hear more though.

02:04:15.000 Just tell me more.

02:04:16.000 Yeah, but you get addicted to those moments.

02:04:19.000 Right.

02:04:20.000 Because then what happens is you have the story that maybe a comic tells another comic. 0.99

02:04:25.000 When Burt was in Miami, three gangbangers showed their dick. 0.96

02:04:29.000 And then other comics were like, dude, I can't wait to work with you. 0.98

02:04:32.000 I want to see you work because I hear what you do.

02:04:34.000 And you're like, I don't do that all the time, but it does happen.

02:04:38.000 Then you feel pressure. 0.96

02:04:39.000 And then you go to a set at the Hollywood Improv and it's just fucking eight minutes of material. 0.94

02:04:43.000 And you're like, that was uninspiring. 0.88

02:04:45.000 I mean, don't get me wrong. 0.99

02:04:46.000 You have those moments where like those oh shit moments where you're just like, this will never fucking happen like this again. 0.99

02:04:53.000 Right. 0.99

02:04:53.000 And those are moments too when you're doing like an hour on stage and they get to know you and you're really in the groove with the crowd. 0.99

02:04:59.000 Oh, and it's a moment.

02:04:59.000 You've gone through a lot already.

02:05:00.000 Best.

02:05:01.000 Like this is, and I give this to any comic listening if you ever need to do this, because sometimes you get that reputation and then you go to a club and they're like, listen, we got a marriage.

02:05:10.000 They want to propose on stage.

02:05:11.000 We told them it was cool with you. 0.99

02:05:13.000 Listen, it's a shit dick moment, but here's what you do. 0.96

02:05:15.000 I've given this to every comic that wants to use it. 0.97

02:05:17.000 It's brilliant.

02:05:19.000 It came in the moment.

02:05:20.000 I had like four shots of tequila.

02:05:21.000 I had a guy who wanted to propose to his chick.

02:05:24.000 This is what you do.

02:05:24.000 Bring them both up on stage to do a shot of tequila.

02:05:26.000 Okay?

02:05:27.000 The guy knows he's proposing.

02:05:28.000 Don't worry about that.

02:05:29.000 Get him on stage, and then you tell the girl, we're going to play a game. 0.97

02:05:32.000 We're going to blindfold you, and you're going to have to feel our chests, just our chests, and tell which one's your husband and which one's me.

02:05:39.000 And then she's like, okay, so you blindfold her, right?

02:05:42.000 Then you tell the dude, now.

02:05:45.000 And so he gets on his knee with the ring and then you just release the blindfold.

02:05:48.000 Dude, you want to talk about 200 people crying like, oh my god!

02:05:53.000 The perfect setup.

02:05:54.000 And it's such an easy way to get out of that.

02:05:57.000 Because a lot of times when you're a young comic, the manager will just be like, they give me 500 bucks, just make sure he proposes to her.

02:06:02.000 So if you're a comic and you ever get stuck in that situation, feel free to use it.

02:06:05.000 It's how I did it.

02:06:06.000 And it killed.

02:06:08.000 Now, what do you do after that, though? 0.99

02:06:09.000 Just get all fucking staged. 0.99

02:06:12.000 Someone play back Black Bad. 0.99

02:06:13.000 You should write a book called Bert Kreischer Exit Strategies.

02:06:16.000 Exit Strategies.

02:06:19.000 Well, those are awesome, man.

02:06:20.000 Dude, thank you very much for coming on the show, man. 0.88

02:06:22.000 You're fucking hilarious. 0.85

02:06:23.000 This is one of the most fun podcasts I've ever had. 0.99

02:06:25.000 Me too.

02:06:26.000 And knowing that you enjoyed listening to it, now you're on it, and you probably made one of the best ones we've ever had.

02:06:30.000 I won't listen to this one, but I can't wait.

02:06:32.000 I can't wait.

02:06:33.000 You can't tell the Tracy Morgan story.

02:06:35.000 I can tell it, yeah.

02:06:35.000 You can tell it?

02:06:36.000 Of course I can tell it.

02:06:36.000 Please tell the Tracy Morgan story.

02:06:38.000 Okay.

02:06:38.000 We're going to end on this.

02:06:39.000 Thanks to the Fleshlight, go to JoeRogan.net, enter in the Fleshlight, the thing.

02:06:45.000 It's like Rogan is the code name and you get 15% off.

02:06:48.000 I'm in February 4th.

02:06:49.000 We're at the Mandalay Bay Theater.

02:06:51.000 It's me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shaffir.

02:06:54.000 That's like a three-headliner combo there.

02:06:56.000 And then next weekend, not this one coming up, but next weekend I'm at the West Palm Beach Improv, the 28th, 29th, and 30th, and that is also...

02:07:03.000 With young and talented Ari Shafir. 0.98

02:07:05.000 So tell me what the fuck happened with Tracy Morgan. 0.99

02:07:08.000 Okay. 0.99

02:07:09.000 I'll preface this.

02:07:10.000 I want to be safe and preface this that my buddy Jay Moore does tell us on stage.

02:07:13.000 We have an agreement.

02:07:14.000 He's my friend.

02:07:15.000 He's not a thief.

02:07:16.000 Okay?

02:07:16.000 I know that Jay is concerned about that, but he told me he's not telling the story anymore.

02:07:22.000 And it did happen to me, so I don't give a fuck. 0.98

02:07:24.000 I mean, this is a true story. 0.98

02:07:25.000 So this is a true story.

02:07:25.000 It's a true story.

02:07:26.000 So I was a young comic working at the Boston Comedy Club.

02:07:30.000 Working the door.

02:07:30.000 In New York.

02:07:31.000 In the village.

02:07:32.000 Yeah, and I used to party with all the black comics. 0.84

02:07:33.000 Because they...

02:07:34.000 Well, because I don't...

02:07:36.000 Why would you like to?

02:07:37.000 Yeah.

02:07:38.000 And so we...

02:07:41.000 We used to have a good time.

02:07:42.000 And so then, one night, Tracy Morgan comes in.

02:07:45.000 This is when he's starting to get back into stand-up after SNL. So, like, when you were a young comic and a new celebrity came in, you, like, had to see that shit. 1.00

02:07:51.000 Had to. 0.99

02:07:52.000 So I go in, and I watch Tracy's set, and it is not...

02:07:55.000 We have nothing in common.

02:07:56.000 He's doing observational material, and his observational material is like, all right, yeah, okay, okay, who remembers finger-fucking-by-the-handball courts?

02:08:07.000 And you And he thinks that's a shared experience, like losing a sock in the dryer. 1.00

02:08:11.000 And then he walks you through and he's like, you put that bitch up against the wall and just pussy pop that bitch. 1.00

02:08:17.000 You wouldn't even kiss her. 1.00

02:08:18.000 Put your arm in your own stank. 1.00

02:08:19.000 And now you have a visualization of Precious getting boxed out at a handball court, making eye contact with passerby, just getting her pussy blown out by Tracy Morgan. 1.00

02:08:30.000 But then he comes on stage, and he's like, fucking, yeah, I'll hit that, man. 1.00

02:08:35.000 I got this new bit about my dick being so pretty, you can suck it with the lights on. 1.00

02:08:40.000 Which is a genius statement, because I've never had a blowjob in the light, but he just didn't word it right, right? 1.00

02:08:48.000 My dick is so pretty, you can suck it with the lights on. 1.00

02:08:51.000 So he goes... 1.00

02:08:56.000 So then he goes, hey, you want to get high?

02:08:58.000 And I was like, yeah, because I'm a grown-up. 1.00

02:09:00.000 And so we walk around the corner, and he pulls out this rack of a joint, hands it to me, hits it, gives it to me, I hit it, and it tastes like shit. 0.99

02:09:08.000 It tastes like sweat socks. 0.99

02:09:10.000 Just like... 0.99

02:09:11.000 And I'm like, what the fuck is this? 0.99

02:09:13.000 And he's like, oh, you never smoked SHRM before? 1.00

02:09:15.000 And I was like, what?

02:09:16.000 And he's like, SHRM, baby, Angel Dust, PCP. You never smoked SHRM before?

02:09:20.000 And I'm like, you just gave me fucking PCP? Like, how did you know? 1.00

02:09:25.000 Who ever taught you how to get high?

02:09:27.000 So I panicked bad.

02:09:29.000 Like, hardcore anxiety attack.

02:09:30.000 I go back to the club.

02:09:30.000 I go to this older black comic who was and still is one of my good friends.

02:09:34.000 And I go, hey man, Tracy just gave me PCP. He's like, oh...

02:09:38.000 Oh, let me tell you something, shorty. 1.00

02:09:40.000 Tracy doesn't smoke PCP. He's fucking with you. 1.00

02:09:43.000 I was like, what? 1.00

02:09:44.000 He's just smoking pot. 1.00

02:09:45.000 He's fucking with you, though. 1.00

02:09:46.000 He's just getting in your head. 1.00

02:09:47.000 And I was like, no, I smoke PCP. I'm feeling weird.

02:09:49.000 And he goes, whatever you do, shorty, don't go to your house.

02:09:52.000 You hang out with us tonight.

02:09:53.000 So I'm like, all right.

02:09:54.000 So I do my set.

02:09:55.000 I bomb.

02:09:55.000 We all go out.

02:09:56.000 And Tracy is... 0.91

02:09:58.000 In downtown Soho, right on Houston, right?

02:10:01.000 And he's in a club that is like one of those railroad clubs where it goes all the way back.

02:10:06.000 You have to walk down a flight of five stairs to get two.

02:10:10.000 And he's in the back.

02:10:11.000 He's been there like 20 minutes.

02:10:12.000 And he is holding court with his shirt off, okay?

02:10:15.000 Shirt off, bottles of champagne covering his table.

02:10:18.000 There's other tables that have champagne on it.

02:10:20.000 He's buying it for them.

02:10:22.000 I buy her a bottle of champagne right now! 1.00

02:10:24.000 I got a pretty dick! 1.00

02:10:25.000 Like just, Eddie Murphy gave me this, whatever the fuck he's saying is like loud and boisterous. 1.00

02:10:30.000 So I sit at the table, and I think I'm on PCP, and I start ordering Heinekens separately from this wreck of a bar tab he has. 0.98

02:10:37.000 And so I'm getting Heinekens, and then the whole night goes through.

02:10:40.000 It's kind of an interesting, bizarre experience, but like 2 o'clock in the morning, and the waitress comes up, and she's got the bill.

02:10:48.000 And she puts it in front of me because I'm at a table with all black dudes. 0.63

02:10:52.000 So she thinks I'm their agent or lawyer or coach, whatever I am.

02:10:55.000 So she gives me the bill and I see it and I'm like, oh, I can't. 0.99

02:10:58.000 And Tracy Morgan flips out and he goes, oh, what the fuck is that? 1.00

02:11:02.000 That's fucking racism. 1.00

02:11:03.000 You give it to him? 1.00

02:11:04.000 He works the goddamn door. 1.00

02:11:06.000 He doesn't do it. 1.00

02:11:06.000 He doesn't make any money. 1.00

02:11:07.000 I'm the rich motherfucker in here. 1.00

02:11:09.000 I'm on TV. I'm the rich motherfucker. 1.00

02:11:11.000 And he flips the bottle of champagne table upside down. 1.00

02:11:14.000 Now the woman's like, um, sir, sir. 1.00

02:11:16.000 And he goes, hey.

02:11:17.000 And he takes his shirt and throws it in her face.

02:11:19.000 A bouncer comes up and he's like, excuse me, sir.

02:11:22.000 And Tracy just... 1.00

02:11:22.000 Wham! 1.00

02:11:23.000 Lays the guy.

02:11:24.000 And the biggest fight I've ever been in just breaks out all over.

02:11:27.000 People are fighting, jumping on you.

02:11:29.000 And I think I'm on PCP. So I walk out on Houston and I start going, this isn't happening.

02:11:33.000 This is imaginary.

02:11:34.000 This is not real.

02:11:35.000 People are flooding out left and right. 1.00

02:11:37.000 And they're like, dude, that shit's going off. 0.99

02:11:39.000 Tracy's got like four dudes on him. 1.00

02:11:40.000 And I was like, holy shit. 0.97

02:11:41.000 A minute later, the doors kick open and Tracy Morgan is launched out of the club by the back of his neck and the seat of his pants just... 1.00

02:11:50.000 They put his shirt on him?

02:11:51.000 No, up on the street, shirtless, laying at my feet on the sidewalk.

02:11:55.000 Doors close.

02:11:56.000 Second later, doors kick back open, and Tracy's shirt comes out, end over end, and lands on his head, and it's silent. 0.99

02:12:03.000 And we're looking at Tracy like, fuck, this is crazy. 0.98

02:12:05.000 All of a sudden, he looks up, stands up, takes his shirt, snaps it, and he goes, now that's how you get out of paying a check! 1.00

02:12:14.000 This guy's crazy like a fox! 1.00

02:12:17.000 He fucking just walked out of a $6,000 bar tub! 1.00

02:12:21.000 Holy shit! 1.00

02:12:22.000 Getting kicked out of the bar! 1.00

02:12:25.000 He really did that?

02:12:26.000 That's awesome.

02:12:28.000 Did he ever have to pay for it?

02:12:29.000 I have no idea.

02:12:31.000 Here's the thing.

02:12:31.000 I only met Tracy once.

02:12:35.000 You don't hang out with a dude more than that.

02:12:38.000 I would never leave that guy's side.

02:12:40.000 I would have to hang out with him every day.

02:12:42.000 I would have to be hanging out with him all the time, especially if I didn't have kids.

02:12:46.000 I was just like, like Jay used to tell, I was telling you, Jay used to tell that story that had happened to me when we'd do stand-up.

02:12:51.000 And man, people would be like, get out of here.

02:12:53.000 But I don't know Tracy, and I doubt he remembers the night at all. 1.00

02:12:58.000 Fuck. 0.99

02:12:59.000 And you know how stories go in your head when you start telling them a lot? 1.00

02:13:01.000 Then you, like, shorten it and tighten it and punch it.

02:13:04.000 And I've been telling that to comics for, like, 12 years.

02:13:06.000 Ever since that happened.

02:13:07.000 And I was a stand-up doing stand-up for, like, two months.

02:13:10.000 That's hilarious.

02:13:11.000 Now, you weren't on PCP. You just thought you were.

02:13:13.000 I wasn't on PCP. I don't know.

02:13:14.000 I was...

02:13:15.000 Probably strong weed.

02:13:16.000 Probably strong weed.

02:13:17.000 I doubt Tracy smokes PCP. I've heard him on NPR interviews say he's never done drugs.

02:13:22.000 And, I mean, I don't know.

02:13:24.000 He's never done drugs.

02:13:25.000 He said on...

02:13:26.000 PCP is something that you would probably tell the person, even if you were a PCP user. 0.99

02:13:31.000 And I think here's the thing, Tracy's got that, like, I would say, that, like, prison mentality of, like, he'd rather fuck with you than really fuck you up. 0.99

02:13:40.000 Right. 1.00

02:13:40.000 Like, I think he'd rather get in your head than, like, fuck you. 1.00

02:13:43.000 I don't think he's a mean-spirited person. 1.00

02:13:45.000 Right, just play him.

02:13:45.000 He was just playing with you, and then I'm the one white guy hanging out with all black comics.

02:13:49.000 And so then that's funny that he thinks he's on PCP. That's a great story.

02:13:53.000 But the best... 0.99

02:13:53.000 That's a fucking fantastic story, dude. 0.99

02:13:56.000 That was one of the funniest stories ever. 0.99

02:13:57.000 Next time I'll tell you about when I was in the Russian mob and we robbed a train.

02:14:01.000 Really?

02:14:01.000 It's a true story, but I'm not going to tell it now.

02:14:03.000 Okay, dude, you're coming back again soon.

02:14:05.000 Definitely.

02:14:05.000 Folks, if you want to follow Bert on Twitter, it's B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Follow him, please.

02:14:14.000 One of the fucking funniest guys we've ever had on the show. 0.90

02:14:16.000 Thank you very much, man. 0.92

02:14:17.000 That was so much fun.

02:14:18.000 I had a blast. 0.99

02:14:19.000 And we will see you bitches on Tuesday. 1.00

02:14:21.000 Holla at your boy! 1.00

02:14:22.000 Later.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 19, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #73 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript