The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #732 - Whitney Cummings

00:00:01.000 Do I look cute?

00:00:02.000 You look fantastic.

00:00:03.000 Really?

00:00:04.000 Yes, you look great.

00:00:04.000 Thank you.

00:00:05.000 Beautiful.

00:00:08.000 Feel better?

00:00:08.000 It's all downhill from here.

00:00:11.000 Got Joe to think I'm pretty.

00:00:15.000 Hi.

00:00:15.000 Hey, what's up?

00:00:16.000 How are you?

00:00:17.000 I'm good.

00:00:17.000 I'm insecure.

00:00:19.000 I'm very insecure.

00:00:20.000 I want you to like me.

00:00:22.000 But you know I already like you. 0.96

00:00:23.000 That's ridiculous. 0.88

00:00:24.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:00:24.000 You're hard to read. 0.99

00:00:25.000 You're very hard to read. 1.00

00:00:26.000 Bullshit. 1.00

00:00:26.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:00:26.000 Yes. 1.00

00:00:27.000 When you're sober, you're hard to read.

00:00:28.000 When I'm sober?

00:00:29.000 You want me to get high?

00:00:30.000 Yeah.

00:00:30.000 When I'm high, I'm hard to read?

00:00:33.000 No.

00:00:33.000 When I'm sober, I'm easy to read.

00:00:35.000 Or at least you just like people more.

00:00:37.000 I like everybody.

00:00:38.000 Here's the thing about you that you don't know about with our relationship.

00:00:41.000 When I... Easy.

00:00:44.000 When I... I know you did just arch your back there for a second.

00:00:48.000 Prepare myself for impact.

00:00:49.000 Yes.

00:00:51.000 When I started doing stand-up, you were like this very mythical hero at the Comedy Store.

00:00:59.000 I came into the Comedy Store when you and Carlos had your big saga.

00:01:05.000 Oh.

00:01:06.000 So you had just like your exodus, your very ceremonious or unceremonious rather, exodus in the Comedy Store was happening.

00:01:13.000 So I never really met you, but you were like this deity at the Comedy Store.

00:01:20.000 Oh, I didn't know.

00:01:21.000 Do you want to weigh in on that?

00:01:22.000 I wasn't there.

00:01:24.000 You weren't there.

00:01:24.000 Good point.

00:01:25.000 I wasn't there for that.

00:01:25.000 So I never really knew you.

00:01:27.000 Like, I feel like so many other comedians that I admire and I at least have had some FaceTime with and you I only sort of started knowing in the last year.

00:01:34.000 Yeah, well, we met Matt at the Laugh Factory.

00:01:37.000 True.

00:01:38.000 But I had seen you a bunch of times, and I liked you.

00:01:40.000 Yeah, but we had never vibed.

00:01:41.000 We never talked.

00:01:42.000 But we have since then.

00:01:43.000 That's true, but I'm just saying.

00:01:45.000 So how could you still be insecure?

00:01:46.000 Because I have nine years of you being this sort of very elusive, you know, Bigfoot.

00:01:54.000 Like, I never quite knew if you really existed.

00:01:56.000 It's weird when people have perceptions of you outside of you.

00:02:01.000 It's weird when you meet someone, you have a perception of them, and you're like, oh, I like them.

00:02:05.000 Yeah, I didn't think I did.

00:02:07.000 That happens.

00:02:08.000 Well, I think a lot of it is it becomes a Rorschach test, right?

00:02:10.000 It becomes like my projections onto you and my insecurities.

00:02:13.000 Like, if I see you and you don't give me what I need to feel secure.

00:02:16.000 I'm like, he hates, he doesn't like me.

00:02:17.000 Yeah, I had a friend tell me something about a celebrity that they met, and they were like... 1.00

00:02:23.000 Yeah, I met him and I said hi to him, but he's a fucking dick. 0.99

00:02:26.000 You know, you didn't even talk back to me. 1.00

00:02:27.000 I go, okay.

00:02:28.000 You just said hi to him?

00:02:29.000 That's it? 1.00

00:02:30.000 And all of a sudden he's a dick? 1.00

00:02:31.000 He doesn't owe you anything. 0.99

00:02:32.000 It's like you have this idea of what someone is and then based on a limited interaction, you create a narrative. 0.86

00:02:39.000 I know that when people, this is going to sound like a fucking person bloviating about people that recognize them, but when someone... 0.92

00:02:45.000 As long as you get to use that word. 0.98

00:02:47.000 Bloviating? 0.89

00:02:47.000 Bloviate, it's a good word. 0.89

00:02:48.000 I've never used that in my life.

00:02:49.000 It's a good word because it does fit.

00:02:51.000 Sometimes I ramble and I want you to rein me in if I start getting boring.

00:02:54.000 You're not boring.

00:02:54.000 Or being redundant.

00:02:56.000 Stop it.

00:02:56.000 And bloviating.

00:02:57.000 But when someone comes up to me at the airport and is like, hi, Whitney, I instantly, sometimes I have to say that I'm like, I just feel like I cannot give you what you need right now.

00:03:06.000 What you need from me, I can't give you.

00:03:09.000 I can take a picture with you, but I can't.

00:03:11.000 Have a conversation with you about your life.

00:03:12.000 There's no way you're going to walk away from this exchange feeling good about this.

00:03:16.000 She was this, she was this.

00:03:17.000 I get very insecure that I can't deliver what someone needs from a person they know.

00:03:22.000 I had a conversation with a guy where, and I'll never forget this because I didn't know this guy at all.

00:03:27.000 And it was after a show, you know, I say hi to people, you know, the whole thing, take pictures.

00:03:32.000 And then he goes, hey man, I'm dating this girl and she's about to have a baby.

00:03:38.000 What do you think I should do?

00:03:39.000 Like, what?

00:03:41.000 I go, I don't, what am I supposed to tell you?

00:03:43.000 Have you seen the movie The Staircase?

00:03:45.000 No.

00:03:45.000 What's that movie?

00:03:46.000 Or The Jinx.

00:03:48.000 The Staircase.

00:03:49.000 You haven't seen The Staircase, the documentary?

00:03:51.000 Is that when he throws her down the staircase?

00:03:52.000 Well, no.

00:03:53.000 Two women are found at the bottom of a staircase.

00:03:56.000 Two?

00:03:56.000 It's what people think The Jinx is.

00:03:58.000 It was a Sundance Channel documentary.

00:04:00.000 It was a 12-part documentary series.

00:04:02.000 It's phenomenal.

00:04:03.000 You'll love it.

00:04:04.000 Really?

00:04:04.000 12-part?

00:04:05.000 Yes.

00:04:05.000 12-part.

00:04:06.000 Two.

00:04:06.000 I don't want to give away too much.

00:04:08.000 If you guys have seen it, tweet Joe what your thoughts are on it.

00:04:13.000 And let's all convince him to dedicate 12 hours of his life.

00:04:15.000 Because I am fascinated, speaking of what a shock test, I'm fascinated whether you think he's guilty or not.

00:04:19.000 Because usually it is all, whether someone thinks it's guilty or not, says more about them than it does about the case.

00:04:26.000 Really?

00:04:27.000 Because again, we project around. 0.97

00:04:27.000 Goddamn though, 12 parts? 0.97

00:04:28.000 That's a lot of fucking commitment. 0.99

00:04:30.000 I know, that's what I said. 0.98

00:04:31.000 I made the mistake of only downloading one at a time.

00:04:34.000 I watched six in my first sitting.

00:04:36.000 It's that addictive.

00:04:37.000 Half hour, hour.

00:04:39.000 I promise you, I promise you, I will bet you, you have a lot more money than me, so maybe we shouldn't do this, I will bet you any amount of money that you'll watch it in two days. 0.99

00:04:49.000 Damn! 0.98

00:04:50.000 That's not gonna happen. 0.99

00:04:51.000 It made me want to quit writing, because I was like, I will never be able to write something as compelling as this true life thing.

00:04:59.000 Wow.

00:05:00.000 It's phenomenal.

00:05:00.000 The staircase.

00:05:01.000 Why wouldn't you just be inspired to write?

00:05:03.000 How would you want to quit?

00:05:04.000 The fundamental difference between me and you just reared its ugly head.

00:05:10.000 I'm a quitter and you're not.

00:05:11.000 But you're not a quitter.

00:05:12.000 That's not true. 0.99

00:05:13.000 You're a hustler. 0.99

00:05:14.000 I'm a hustler. 1.00

00:05:15.000 Yes, people say that a lot. 0.98

00:05:16.000 You are.

00:05:17.000 I never know if it's an insult.

00:05:19.000 It's not an insult at all.

00:05:20.000 In my estimation, or the way I'm defining it, is you're always working.

00:05:25.000 You're always doing things.

00:05:26.000 Maybe the similarity between me and you, I grew up playing sports.

00:05:30.000 And you learn, I think a lot of comedians don't, you learn the harder you work, the better you get.

00:05:35.000 And you get that sort of mentality that, like, you know...

00:05:39.000 What sport?

00:05:39.000 I played basketball, really seriously.

00:05:41.000 Oh, okay.

00:05:42.000 A lot of sprinting, a lot of running around.

00:05:44.000 Yeah, and just like the... 1.00

00:05:45.000 That's where you get that ass. 1.00

00:05:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:47.000 You know, this ass is pretty new, actually. 1.00

00:05:49.000 I didn't have it... 0.99

00:05:50.000 See, you didn't know me six years ago when I was, like, anorexic.

00:05:53.000 When did you get it?

00:05:53.000 You were anorexic six years ago?

00:05:55.000 I was pretty anorexic, yeah. 1.00

00:05:56.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:05:56.000 I don't want to clinically throw that term around, but I was like 100 pounds. 0.99

00:06:02.000 When I was doing the show with your buddy Chris on NBC, I was like zero.

00:06:07.000 And I had a lot of eating disorders in college, which is why I had to stop playing sports.

00:06:12.000 Really?

00:06:12.000 Eating disorders made you stop playing sports?

00:06:14.000 I had to choose.

00:06:15.000 So I was really serious basketball.

00:06:17.000 I played AAU, I played in Europe, like super psycho about it.

00:06:19.000 And then I started modeling just for money, not really fancy modeling, don't believe Wikipedia.

00:06:25.000 And I was sort of starving myself for modeling and starving yourself and playing basketball four hours a day don't go well together.

00:06:32.000 So I had to sort of give up basketball.

00:06:34.000 Wow, so you went with that over food?

00:06:37.000 Yes.

00:06:38.000 Huh.

00:06:39.000 Yes.

00:06:40.000 Why'd you do that?

00:06:41.000 Was it more rewarding?

00:06:43.000 Well, modeling was paying my bills.

00:06:44.000 It was the way I was raised was, you know, your appearance was very valued.

00:06:49.000 My mom, I now realize as an adult, in retrospect, had an eating disorder.

00:06:54.000 And being thin was very valued in our home.

00:06:57.000 The messages I heard were my mom, who was very skinny, was, I have to lose five pounds. 0.93

00:07:02.000 I still need to lose that fat.

00:07:03.000 And one time someone would compliment her, she'd be like, no, I'm so fat right now.

00:07:06.000 We don't realize the impact that those messages have on kids.

00:07:11.000 Something we just think is a flippant comment, I need to lose five pounds.

00:07:14.000 For me, I was like, oh, she's a size zero, but she still needs to lose five pounds. 1.00

00:07:17.000 That's what women are supposed to look like and how they're supposed to... 1.00

00:07:20.000 You know, that dysmorphia was ingrained in me very young.

00:07:23.000 And there was a sort of culture of perfectionism where I grew up in my household because I was neglected quite a bit.

00:07:33.000 And it's a natural sort of reaction for kids to have perfectionism as a result of that.

00:07:37.000 Really?

00:07:38.000 Yeah.

00:07:39.000 Because you think that, you know, children can't understand that their parents have flaws because it would be, you know, just...

00:07:48.000 Too traumatic to their psyche.

00:07:50.000 So we think parents are perfect.

00:07:51.000 If I'm not getting attention, that must be something's wrong with me.

00:07:54.000 So I need to work harder, be prettier, thinner, more successful, achieve more, you know, which I think is where a lot of my achievements are.

00:08:01.000 And you did it to try to get your parents to pay attention to you?

00:08:05.000 I think as a kid, that's when it started, is if I'm just perfect, I'll get this attention from these people who weren't capable of giving it to me.

00:08:11.000 And then it sort of started manifesting in other ways as an adult.

00:08:16.000 I think I had a very similar thing.

00:08:18.000 Yeah?

00:08:18.000 Yeah, I was definitely neglected as a child but I think that I sought it out from other people, not necessarily from my parents.

00:08:26.000 Well, that's what I, you know, and similarly, which is I think why I had, and I'm in Al-Anon, so I'm in recovery for this, but people-pleasing.

00:08:34.000 What's Al-Anon? 0.55

00:08:35.000 Al-Anon is like, if you had any kind of alcoholism in your home growing up, which is not necessarily like, I did have an alcoholic parent, and I have a drug addict sibling, but alcoholism, You know, for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't necessarily need to be present,

00:08:51.000 so it can still be signified by compulsive behavior, workaholism, a codependent relationship, an addictive relationship among your parents, gambling, sex, food, all that sort of stuff.

00:09:02.000 Anything that's addictive.

00:09:03.000 Anything that's addictive.

00:09:04.000 What does Al-Anon stand for?

00:09:05.000 Al-Anon is, um, that's actually a really good question.

00:09:07.000 I do ACA, which is Adult Child of Alcoholics.

00:09:10.000 Jesus Christ.

00:09:11.000 Al-Anon is more for, like, if you're married to an alcoholic, if you have a kid who's an alcoholic, like, because addiction is a family disease, and it affects everybody.

00:09:18.000 So, I am...

00:09:19.000 How convenient.

00:09:20.000 I know, isn't it? 1.00

00:09:21.000 Addicts are such a fucking pain in the ass in that regard. 1.00

00:09:24.000 It's a very sort of pernicious disease because sometimes... 1.00

00:09:28.000 Another good word.

00:09:28.000 Pernicious is a good one.

00:09:29.000 Very nice.

00:09:30.000 Because it's, um... 0.99

00:09:31.000 Damn. 0.99

00:09:32.000 We're live! 1.00

00:09:33.000 I gotta pull out all the stops!

00:09:35.000 We can't fix this in post!

00:09:38.000 Is that sometimes alcoholism affects the people not drinking the most.

00:09:43.000 So I wasn't drinking growing up, but because of how insidious alcoholism is, I was acting like an alcoholic.

00:09:51.000 I just wasn't drinking.

00:09:52.000 So I was like arrogant and developed an ego of like, I'm the angel in the house. 1.00

00:09:56.000 Everyone else is an asshole. 1.00

00:09:57.000 I'm awesome. 1.00

00:09:58.000 But I was still manipulating, lying, managing, controlling, you know, and codependents.

00:10:05.000 Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol.

00:10:06.000 Codependents are addicted to alcoholics. 1.00

00:10:09.000 So as a result, I'm dating alcoholics. 0.51

00:10:12.000 I'm dating guys who are illiterate, people who need to get rescued, saved.

00:10:16.000 You dated guys who were illiterate?

00:10:18.000 I dated one guy who...

00:10:20.000 You couldn't read?

00:10:21.000 Couldn't really spell.

00:10:23.000 What kind of text messages do you guys have?

00:10:26.000 Lots of auto-correcting.

00:10:29.000 Yeah.

00:10:30.000 Hey, are you a basketball later?

00:10:32.000 What?

00:10:33.000 So, yes, I did go through that.

00:10:36.000 I dated a lot of alcoholics, needy people.

00:10:38.000 Right.

00:10:39.000 Troubled people. 1.00

00:10:40.000 Yeah, I have a friend who would always date girls that were really really fucked up. 1.00

00:10:44.000 Brian Callen. 0.99

00:10:44.000 Yeah, there you go. 0.99

00:10:45.000 How'd you know?

00:10:46.000 Trust me.

00:10:47.000 How'd you know?

00:10:48.000 Me and Brian.

00:10:49.000 Hashtag Fiona Apple.

00:10:50.000 Well, that's the best one he ever dated.

00:10:52.000 Yeah, I know.

00:10:52.000 But I did the same thing.

00:10:53.000 He calls them vampires.

00:10:54.000 Oh, he had some bad ones.

00:10:55.000 But so it's recreating your childhood circumstances.

00:10:57.000 So I was the caretaker as a child.

00:10:59.000 Right.

00:10:59.000 You know, I would put my mom to bed.

00:11:00.000 I would cook dinner.

00:11:01.000 I was always the one fixing things and trying to stop fights because I was, you know, my mom basically told me I was like a mistake.

00:11:08.000 I was born, you know, no one planned me.

00:11:11.000 Your mom told you that?

00:11:12.000 Yeah.

00:11:12.000 Jesus.

00:11:13.000 Yeah, it wasn't our shining moment as a family.

00:11:19.000 When I don't send money, I get reminded.

00:11:21.000 Oh, gee, you send money to your mom?

00:11:23.000 Yeah.

00:11:24.000 Whoa.

00:11:24.000 Yeah.

00:11:25.000 Yes.

00:11:25.000 Yeah, that gets dark.

00:11:27.000 Very.

00:11:27.000 Well, as Chris Rock said in the hallway at the Comedy Store one night, I think you were actually probably there.

00:11:32.000 He said, when you give money to people, it's only a matter of time before they start hating you.

00:11:37.000 Ooh.

00:11:38.000 Because then they start resenting you for supporting them and sort of robbing them of their own dignity.

00:11:43.000 And then if you have any kind of boundaries, they're all of a sudden like, oh, well, just because you give me money, you think you can talk to me that way?

00:11:50.000 And it's like, well, no, I'm just like, have self-respect.

00:11:54.000 It seems to me that the people that need money always need money.

00:11:58.000 Like, when you give them money, it's not really helping them.

00:12:02.000 Band-aid.

00:12:02.000 It's enabling.

00:12:03.000 Yeah.

00:12:04.000 Well, I mean, there's some people that just need money.

00:12:06.000 I mean, I've had friends that just need money.

00:12:08.000 Yes.

00:12:08.000 Some went wrong.

00:12:09.000 Transmission broke. 1.00

00:12:10.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:12:11.000 You know, that's one thing. 1.00

00:12:12.000 But it's the people that always need money.

00:12:14.000 Yeah.

00:12:15.000 You can't fix that hole.

00:12:17.000 Nope.

00:12:17.000 That hole is just, they come back to you, oh, it turns out we were late with the payment and now there's interest and this and that.

00:12:24.000 And so do you think that, okay, and then there's, we just had an issue with blah, blah, blah. 0.99

00:12:29.000 And like, oh, fucking Christ, this doesn't end, does it? 0.99

00:12:31.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:12:31.000 And so, and it's interesting, and I've had to work really hard on the parameters of when I can give money, when I can't. 0.98

00:12:37.000 My system now is basically to only pay bills directly.

00:12:41.000 Because that way I know... 0.99

00:12:42.000 Damn, you do this all the time? 0.99

00:12:43.000 So this is an all the time thing? 1.00

00:12:44.000 I am a cash borer, Joe. 1.00

00:12:47.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:12:49.000 I'm being hemorrhaged. 1.00

00:12:50.000 Hemorrhaging money through my family, yeah.

00:12:52.000 Wow.

00:12:53.000 Yeah, because I didn't grow up in an environment, no one had health insurance, no one went to the doctor.

00:12:57.000 So now, you know, both my parents had strokes.

00:13:00.000 Nursing facilities are great.

00:13:01.000 No insurance, like the whole deal.

00:13:03.000 So it's been...

00:13:04.000 But it's, you know...

00:13:06.000 You talked about me working hard.

00:13:07.000 I worked hard initially because I needed, you know, I didn't have choice.

00:13:10.000 I didn't have money.

00:13:11.000 And now I still have to work hard to sort of pay for all these other things, which I think maybe in some ways keeping me, you know, motivated because I'm never going to get ahead.

00:13:20.000 I'm never going to be solvent.

00:13:21.000 You're very aware, though.

00:13:23.000 You might be kind of frantic and all over the place and motivated.

00:13:28.000 Do you think of me as frantic?

00:13:29.000 A little bit.

00:13:30.000 Really?

00:13:30.000 Yeah, but in a good way.

00:13:31.000 How so?

00:13:32.000 Powerful.

00:13:33.000 You've got like a lot of...

00:13:34.000 Really?

00:13:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:35.000 It's fear.

00:13:36.000 It's an armor.

00:13:37.000 I'm an armadillo. 0.99

00:13:38.000 Whatever it is, it's not like a negative thing, but it's like, wow, that girl is getting shit done. 0.99

00:13:43.000 It's intense. 0.94

00:13:44.000 When I say frantic, maybe that's not the word.

00:13:47.000 Maybe the word is...

00:13:48.000 Pretty?

00:13:48.000 Kinetic.

00:13:49.000 Yes.

00:13:51.000 Stunning?

00:13:52.000 Is that what you're going for?

00:13:53.000 Fabulous is a lot of good ones.

00:13:54.000 Right, crevacious, right.

00:13:55.000 But, you know, you're not stagnant.

00:13:58.000 You know, you're constantly in motion.

00:14:01.000 Well, that is a, yes, I define...

00:14:04.000 You texted me, sorry to interrupt you, but you texted me, like, here's a perfect example, though.

00:14:09.000 Doing a documentary on head trauma.

00:14:11.000 LAUGHTER Like, what? 1.00

00:14:13.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:14:14.000 I mean, I know she's touring. 1.00

00:14:16.000 You're in the middle of doing an HBO special. 0.99

00:14:18.000 You've always got some shit going on. 0.98

00:14:19.000 You've always got these projects. 0.99

00:14:21.000 Then you're like, I'm directing a documentary on head trauma.

00:14:23.000 I'm like, what?

00:14:24.000 It was violence, right?

00:14:25.000 It was on violence.

00:14:26.000 Yes, yes, yes.

00:14:26.000 You wanted to talk about violence.

00:14:27.000 I was like, whoa, this fucking chick is crazy. 1.00

00:14:32.000 Yes, I mean, it is a literal disease. 1.00

00:14:36.000 I do have workaholism, which means you define yourself through productivity.

00:14:39.000 And that's how my self-esteem is derived, essentially, through what I'm able to make.

00:14:44.000 You're so aware of all this.

00:14:46.000 Yeah, I'm in pretty hardcore recovery for it.

00:14:49.000 So, you know, I am in Al-Anon.

00:14:52.000 I do EMDR. I'm in trauma therapy.

00:14:54.000 Are you addicted to therapy?

00:14:56.000 Is that possible?

00:14:56.000 You know what?

00:14:57.000 I wish.

00:14:57.000 I wish that I could actually find a healthy addiction.

00:15:00.000 I found a lucrative addiction.

00:15:02.000 Work is somewhat of a lucrative addiction.

00:15:05.000 I'm definitely addicted to waking up and being conscious and self-aware.

00:15:10.000 That's something that appeals to me.

00:15:11.000 And I wasn't in my 20s, but again, like we were just talking about someone earlier, being a mess isn't cute in your 30s and 40s.

00:15:20.000 Being asleep and unconscious and just being a disaster is just not cute anymore.

00:15:25.000 Yeah, there's something about lazy people in their 20s that I find adorable.

00:15:29.000 Yeah.

00:15:30.000 But when I see a lazy guy...

00:15:31.000 Second you turn 30, it's not cute.

00:15:32.000 How about 40?

00:15:33.000 How about a 46-year-old lazy guy?

00:15:35.000 Nope.

00:15:36.000 You're like, you didn't do that yet?

00:15:38.000 Nah, I gotta get to it.

00:15:39.000 What?

00:15:39.000 And also, as a girl, I mean, guys have the stigma too, but as a girl, you can be crazy in your 20s, you can't be crazy in your 30s.

00:15:46.000 It's not sexy.

00:15:47.000 That's not true at all.

00:15:49.000 Really? 0.98

00:15:49.000 Yeah, you can be crazy. 0.98

00:15:50.000 Is it attractive to you? 0.96

00:15:52.000 Yeah, as long as you don't show up at someone's house and break windows.

00:15:54.000 Yeah, those days are over.

00:15:57.000 Those days are really fast.

00:16:00.000 It's like, what kind of crazy? 0.99

00:16:02.000 My tits aren't big enough to behave like that and get away with it, unfortunately. 1.00

00:16:09.000 That doesn't really help. 0.99

00:16:12.000 What you can get away with, you can either get away with or you can't.

00:16:15.000 Tits, they're never the tipping point. 1.00

00:16:16.000 Really?

00:16:17.000 I don't think so. 0.73

00:16:18.000 I just feel like, as a woman, you're already, anything you do, people want to call you crazy.

00:16:24.000 And even if you just talk sanely at a little too high of a decimal level, and people are so quick to call us crazy anyway that I don't want to actually be crazy.

00:16:36.000 That's interesting.

00:16:37.000 Because guys don't ever have to worry about that.

00:16:39.000 They don't have to worry about the idea that you're too ambitious or that you're too forceful.

00:16:43.000 Guys don't like it.

00:16:45.000 No, but for a man.

00:16:46.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:16:47.000 A guy being forceful.

00:16:48.000 He's decisive.

00:16:49.000 He's an alpha. 1.00

00:16:51.000 He's got his shit together. 1.00

00:16:52.000 It's a turn-on. 1.00

00:16:53.000 And then for a girl to be like that is like, she's crazy. 1.00

00:16:56.000 Mega bitch. 1.00

00:16:57.000 PMS. Psycho. 1.00

00:16:59.000 She's a psycho. 1.00

00:17:00.000 She's stalking me. 1.00

00:17:02.000 It's like, no, I just...

00:17:03.000 I like you.

00:17:04.000 Yeah, or like, I need to make plans.

00:17:07.000 Right.

00:17:07.000 Because I have to schedule my flight.

00:17:09.000 Are we hanging out or not?

00:17:10.000 She's stalking me.

00:17:12.000 Like, okay.

00:17:13.000 Am I stalking you?

00:17:15.000 Well, don't you think that that's a power move, though, that people do that to try to, like, make you feel insecure?

00:17:19.000 Saying something like you're stalking them or saying, you know, like...

00:17:22.000 When people act like that now, I don't overthink it as much now.

00:17:26.000 To me, it just more signifies unintelligence. 1.00

00:17:32.000 In a fight with me, if we're together and you say crazy, psycho, or bitch, I just lose respect for you. 1.00

00:17:39.000 Because I'm like, I know you have a bigger vocabulary than that. 0.99

00:17:42.000 And if you're leaning on these sort of pop terms and these vague terms that get us nowhere, I'm just going to lose respect for you.

00:17:48.000 Well, those words, like, unless someone really is crazy, and if they are crazy, well, stop hanging out with them. 1.00

00:17:54.000 It's like calling someone stupid. 1.00

00:17:55.000 It's not productive. 0.99

00:17:56.000 It's not helpful. 1.00

00:17:57.000 Sometimes stupid is very productive. 0.99

00:18:02.000 It is actually, you know, some good words. 1.00

00:18:04.000 Idiot is pretty good if you don't overuse it. 0.99

00:18:07.000 I like dum-dum. 1.00

00:18:09.000 Dummy. 0.95

00:18:09.000 I love dummy. 0.95

00:18:10.000 I love dummy. 1.00

00:18:11.000 You fucking dum-dum. 1.00

00:18:12.000 You dummy. 1.00

00:18:12.000 Because it's so belittling. 1.00

00:18:14.000 I'm not even going to call you stupid. 1.00

00:18:16.000 It's so ruthless. 1.00

00:18:17.000 I'm going to call you dumb. 1.00

00:18:17.000 It's ruthless. 1.00

00:18:18.000 Silly goose is pretty good. 0.99

00:18:21.000 Silly goose is like, you can kind of get away with it. 1.00

00:18:24.000 You're such a silly goose. 1.00

00:18:26.000 Yeah, you can't really, like, get mad at someone for calling you a silly goose. 1.00

00:18:28.000 You know what the worst insults? 0.97

00:18:30.000 Like, if you want to hurt the person you're with, what do you say?

00:18:34.000 If you want to hurt them.

00:18:35.000 I don't know.

00:18:36.000 What do you say? 0.90

00:18:37.000 I know that the most hurt I've been is when a guy said to me in a fight, not bitch, are we allowed to curse? 0.96

00:18:47.000 What? 0.83

00:18:47.000 I'm sorry. 0.83

00:18:48.000 Are you serious?

00:18:48.000 I think we already have.

00:18:50.000 I don't know these days. 1.00

00:18:51.000 Bitch, cunt. 1.00

00:18:52.000 I don't fucking know. 1.00

00:18:54.000 Who's ever told you you can't swear to him? 0.99

00:18:56.000 I'm always getting sued.

00:18:57.000 I don't know.

00:18:58.000 It's an instinctive...

00:18:59.000 I have PTSD. Microphones and saying cunt is just... 1.00

00:19:03.000 I'm sweating. 1.00

00:19:04.000 I'm already sweating.

00:19:05.000 I'm a big fan.

00:19:05.000 Big fan of the word.

00:19:07.000 Ugh.

00:19:07.000 None of those words hurt me.

00:19:09.000 They actually just make me lose respect for you.

00:19:11.000 Right.

00:19:11.000 Not you personally, Joe.

00:19:12.000 But you're pointing at me. 1.00

00:19:12.000 Shit. 1.00

00:19:14.000 It's the first time you pointed. 1.00

00:19:15.000 What I'm pissed is this.

00:19:17.000 It's these.

00:19:17.000 They're like clamshells.

00:19:18.000 I grab.

00:19:19.000 I grab the air.

00:19:19.000 Looks like you're grabbing flies out of the air.

00:19:21.000 Uh-huh.

00:19:21.000 I am.

00:19:22.000 Like fly trap.

00:19:25.000 I mean, our relationship was going to be over anyway, but we were arguing about something.

00:19:30.000 And he goes, you know what, Whitney?

00:19:32.000 You're a lot.

00:19:34.000 A lot?

00:19:34.000 You're a lot.

00:19:35.000 That bothers you?

00:19:37.000 You know what it was?

00:19:38.000 Number one, you don't even respect me enough to be specific with your insults.

00:19:42.000 You're going to be vague.

00:19:43.000 And it just meant like all of you is too much.

00:19:45.000 Like you're just too many opinions, too many things to say.

00:19:49.000 You're too loud.

00:19:50.000 It was just like be less of what you are.

00:19:52.000 And that weirdly hurt me more than anything else.

00:19:55.000 That's so strange.

00:19:56.000 You're a lot. 1.00

00:19:57.000 If somebody ever said that to me, I'd be like, yeah, bitch. 1.00

00:20:00.000 I'm a lot. 0.99

00:20:01.000 But it tapped into an insecurity that I already have that I'm too much for men.

00:20:05.000 That I have too many ideas, too many opinions.

00:20:08.000 I'm too alpha.

00:20:10.000 Oh, we're getting deep here.

00:20:11.000 Too much for men.

00:20:13.000 Guys are not super on board with girls having opinions and appointments and that sort of thing, I've noticed.

00:20:22.000 Really?

00:20:23.000 Yes.

00:20:23.000 Like opinions and appointments?

00:20:24.000 Do you realize for the last year I've hid my car from guys that I've dated?

00:20:28.000 Why have you hid your car?

00:20:29.000 What kind of car you got?

00:20:30.000 Well, I have a Tesla now, but I had a G-Wagon.

00:20:33.000 And I used to park it at the guy's house I was dating.

00:20:36.000 They'd be like, can I walk you to your car?

00:20:37.000 I'd be like, I Ubered.

00:20:38.000 I would Uber, like, two blocks back to my G-Wagon. 1.00

00:20:41.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:20:42.000 Why would you do that? 1.00

00:20:43.000 Because it would, like, weird them out and emasculate them.

00:20:45.000 Because you have a nice car?

00:20:46.000 Yes!

00:20:46.000 Why are you dating broke dudes?

00:20:47.000 I know!

00:20:48.000 I know, I need to work on that.

00:20:49.000 Seth MacFarlane, hit me up!

00:20:51.000 Hey! 0.99

00:20:53.000 I don't know, because I was like, I don't...

00:20:55.000 I would never, like, not date a guy because he didn't have money.

00:20:58.000 I don't see my...

00:20:59.000 You know, I don't think of that.

00:21:00.000 Oh, okay.

00:21:01.000 But I guess I did gravitate towards guys...

00:21:05.000 Or guys gravitated towards me who...

00:21:08.000 We're intimidated by sort of my alpha.

00:21:11.000 They're gravitating towards you, though.

00:21:13.000 I guess.

00:21:14.000 There are those guys that get taken care of by women, and it's very strange. 0.86

00:21:18.000 Call me.

00:21:19.000 Call me.

00:21:20.000 You don't want this guy.

00:21:21.000 But there's this guy that I know, he's an actor, and he's gone from one older wealthy woman to another older wealthy woman.

00:21:31.000 Divorced wealthy woman to another divorced wealthy woman. 0.94

00:21:33.000 Two is a habit.

00:21:34.000 Two is you're looking for it, but I find...

00:21:35.000 Well, that's what he does.

00:21:36.000 He gets these girls to pay his bills because he's trying to act.

00:21:40.000 He's trying to be an actor.

00:21:41.000 Oh, bummer.

00:21:41.000 That's so not sexy, though.

00:21:43.000 Oh, it's pathetic. 0.99

00:21:43.000 I've done both. 0.99

00:21:45.000 He's got a ponytail.

00:21:46.000 I'm in.

00:21:48.000 Sold.

00:21:48.000 I will pay for that to get cut off.

00:21:50.000 He wears knee-high suede boots sometimes. 1.00

00:21:54.000 I want to kill him. 1.00

00:21:54.000 You can't do that when you're broke. 1.00

00:21:56.000 You can do that when you're a rich black man. 0.99

00:21:57.000 You can't do that when you're a broke white guy. 0.99

00:22:00.000 You can't even do that if you're white, if you're rich. 0.96

00:22:02.000 You can do that if you're Pharrell.

00:22:03.000 Can Richard Branson wear a knee-high suede?

00:22:05.000 No.

00:22:06.000 If he's completely naked.

00:22:08.000 Moccasins?

00:22:09.000 Neither.

00:22:11.000 The guy with the stitching on the bottom around the edges?

00:22:13.000 Would you be attracted to a girl who had more money than you? 0.97

00:22:16.000 Who earned it?

00:22:17.000 Who didn't get it bequeathed to her? 0.96

00:22:19.000 I have a theory that guys like girls who inherit money, but they don't like girls who earn their own money. 0.66

00:22:24.000 Wow.

00:22:24.000 More money than you.

00:22:25.000 I don't think that would bother me.

00:22:27.000 Well, I don't have a money problem.

00:22:29.000 But because money represents resources, and on a primal, primordial level, it means she's the alpha.

00:22:35.000 Does it?

00:22:36.000 Maybe.

00:22:37.000 I'm not worried about money.

00:22:38.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:39.000 Well, that's because you have it.

00:22:40.000 Yeah, I've got plenty.

00:22:41.000 So it's not like, oh, she could do something that I can't do.

00:22:45.000 When you have enough money, this is the way I've always said, everything becomes free.

00:22:49.000 Yes.

00:22:50.000 You know, like, do you want to buy a car?

00:22:51.000 We'll go get a car.

00:22:52.000 Yeah.

00:22:53.000 Like things become free.

00:22:54.000 Yeah.

00:22:54.000 And when things become free, then money stops being an issue.

00:22:58.000 Interesting.

00:22:58.000 When money is really an issue is when you don't have it.

00:23:00.000 Yes.

00:23:00.000 When you don't have it, someone else has it.

00:23:01.000 It's like, fuck, I wish I had it. 1.00

00:23:03.000 Right. 1.00

00:23:03.000 How do I get it? 1.00

00:23:04.000 I'll give you some.

00:23:05.000 Oh, she's going to give me some.

00:23:06.000 She's going to give me some.

00:23:07.000 What about that money you're going to give me?

00:23:08.000 Are you still going to give me that money?

00:23:09.000 It becomes so symbolic.

00:23:09.000 Is that money still coming my way?

00:23:12.000 What's going on here?

00:23:15.000 You know?

00:23:16.000 Right?

00:23:16.000 That's so funny.

00:23:17.000 Right? 0.99

00:23:17.000 It gets this weird fucking... 0.99

00:23:19.000 You get this weird relationship. 0.99

00:23:20.000 And it starts to represent more than just paying for a cup of coffee.

00:23:24.000 It's, am I a man?

00:23:25.000 Am I a woman?

00:23:26.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:26.000 But I do feel like I have become...

00:23:30.000 This is going to sound so sexist.

00:23:32.000 I feel like me making...

00:23:34.000 Or being...

00:23:35.000 Whatever this thing that has happened where I'm able to pay my bills.

00:23:38.000 I'm doing...

00:23:39.000 I'm miming a weird thing.

00:23:41.000 Some sort of a funnel.

00:23:44.000 This funnel.

00:23:46.000 And what move is this?

00:23:47.000 I don't know, at least it's going away.

00:23:49.000 It's not going into you.

00:23:50.000 It's true.

00:23:52.000 Guys, it has changed guys' relationship to me. 0.86

00:23:56.000 I've noticed that ever since I started making money, guys sexually want to dominate me, choke me, spit on me. 0.99

00:24:04.000 Spit on you? 0.99

00:24:04.000 Oh, I've gotten spit on. 0.99

00:24:05.000 Yeah.

00:24:08.000 That didn't happen in my 20s when I was broke, Joe.

00:24:11.000 When I was 20s and my brain broke, guys wanted to coddle me and eye contact and grab your face.

00:24:16.000 Now that I have money, I'm getting choked, I'm getting spanked. 1.00

00:24:19.000 So there's a weird aggression.

00:24:21.000 I gotta tell me what this is.

00:24:24.000 I had a guy put his four fingers in my mouth and just leave him there for like two minutes. 1.00

00:24:30.000 What's that?

00:24:31.000 I don't know.

00:24:31.000 Wash your hands first.

00:24:34.000 That's not how people get sick?

00:24:36.000 I have a seven-year-old.

00:24:37.000 She's sick because she touches things and then touches her mouth. 1.00

00:24:39.000 I'm like, see?

00:24:40.000 That's how you get sick.

00:24:41.000 Yeah.

00:24:41.000 Well, I mean, I just learned so much about you.

00:24:44.000 You could never be single, by the way, today.

00:24:45.000 You better just make this marriage work forever. 0.69

00:24:48.000 Why?

00:24:49.000 Because the hands and the mouth, it's very unsanitary out there, Joe.

00:24:52.000 Oh, hands.

00:24:53.000 Well, I'm not worried about myself.

00:24:54.000 So he stuck his hand in my mouth. 0.98

00:24:56.000 I was worried about you.

00:24:58.000 I've spent every night at the comedy store for 10 years.

00:25:01.000 My immune system is on point.

00:25:03.000 I know.

00:25:03.000 I shake about a thousand hands a night after a theater show.

00:25:06.000 Can I tell you?

00:25:06.000 And I think that sharing a microphone with 300 road comics every night does a number on your immune system.

00:25:13.000 I never get sick.

00:25:14.000 I never get sick.

00:25:15.000 Shaking all those hands does it.

00:25:17.000 Yeah.

00:25:17.000 I really believe that.

00:25:18.000 Yeah.

00:25:19.000 Sharing a microphone with Jay London, you're good for a while.

00:25:23.000 Yeah, for sure.

00:25:25.000 He's like Pigpen.

00:25:26.000 Everyone's Googling Jay London and no results found.

00:25:28.000 He's on Last Comic Standing.

00:25:30.000 Oh, that's right!

00:25:32.000 So he stuck his hand in my mouth and I was like, this did not happen in my 20s.

00:25:36.000 And I'm thinking, am I... Are we gagging me?

00:25:40.000 I've lost the plot at this point.

00:25:41.000 Did you ask him about it?

00:25:42.000 Well, I'm sitting there and I'm just waiting for something to happen.

00:25:45.000 You're like, I'm going to talk about this on a podcast.

00:25:47.000 I can't wait.

00:25:48.000 I'm not going to talk about it to this guy.

00:25:49.000 Live!

00:25:52.000 And so I'm sitting there and I'm like...

00:25:54.000 And then for a minute I was like, maybe he lost his balance and he just had to...

00:26:00.000 Maybe he just had to commit to it because it'd be too weird to be like, sorry.

00:26:04.000 And then I was like, maybe he was worried I was going to speak because I am a loquacious one.

00:26:09.000 Maybe he just wanted to stop me from talking.

00:26:11.000 I don't know what it was.

00:26:12.000 But this did not happen in my 20s when I was broke.

00:26:15.000 Got spit on in the face?

00:26:17.000 Spit in the face. 0.80

00:26:17.000 In the face? 0.80

00:26:18.000 Spit in the face. 0.99

00:26:20.000 Wow, that's dark. 1.00

00:26:21.000 Was it a broke guy that spit in your face? 0.70

00:26:23.000 No, actually.

00:26:24.000 Was he wealthy?

00:26:25.000 Yes.

00:26:26.000 Hmm.

00:26:27.000 Maybe more wealthy than you.

00:26:29.000 Maybe.

00:26:29.000 Here's the thing.

00:26:30.000 Here's the thing.

00:26:31.000 Here's the thing about this nebulous wealth that I have.

00:26:36.000 Everyone thinks I have way more than I have, and it's been in the press that I have all this money, so I think guys that do have more money than me think I have more money than them, which I sort of...

00:26:46.000 Yes.

00:26:47.000 I see.

00:26:48.000 So maybe it was he thought I had more than I had.

00:26:50.000 So he wanted to spit on you? 0.99

00:26:52.000 Yeah, he wanted to go, just so you know, bitch with the Tesla, I'm the boss. 1.00

00:26:56.000 You think you're so cute with your TV shows, I'm about to fucking treat you like a tie hooker. 1.00

00:27:02.000 There are people that like that, though. 0.99

00:27:04.000 That's where it gets weird. 0.98

00:27:05.000 And if you date someone who likes weird shit, and then you go to someone else, and you're like, I know what girls like. 0.99

00:27:11.000 I've had that recently, where I was in a relationship that was relatively sexually perverse, and then dated someone who was very not, and I was way overshot the mark. 0.99

00:27:22.000 It's like, what was that? 0.99

00:27:25.000 I mean, I'm just, fuck it. 0.99

00:27:28.000 I'm going to be single forever after this podcast. 0.99

00:27:31.000 I did have a guy one time, because here's what you do now.

00:27:34.000 I need more coffee.

00:27:35.000 Jesus Christ.

00:27:36.000 When you...

00:27:38.000 This is too graphic.

00:27:40.000 No.

00:27:41.000 I feel like I'm covering a lot of the stuff that Neil deGrasse Tyson covered on this podcast.

00:27:44.000 For sure.

00:27:46.000 Let's talk about the moon landing. 0.99

00:27:48.000 You have to gag on dicks now? 1.00

00:27:51.000 No, you don't. 1.00

00:27:53.000 If you don't, you will be...

00:27:56.000 Exercised?

00:27:57.000 Yes, you will be...

00:27:58.000 Your head will be pushed down. 1.00

00:28:01.000 Yeah, guys, push your head down, and you're like, oh shit, okay, this is happening. 0.99

00:28:06.000 I'm like, I have a fucking... 0.99

00:28:08.000 I have a Tesla two blocks away. 1.00

00:28:09.000 Why are you jamming my head on...

00:28:11.000 And then, so I just thought that's how you did it, and then I dated this guy, and I did that, and he goes, oh no, no, no.

00:28:19.000 Oh my God, I stopped you?

00:28:21.000 So embarrassing, so embarrassing.

00:28:22.000 He's like, don't do that.

00:28:23.000 He goes, I'm actually not turned on by girls hurting themselves.

00:28:28.000 And I was like, oh God, I was so embarrassed.

00:28:32.000 I was so embarrassed.

00:28:33.000 And I was like, okay, I'm off the grid.

00:28:35.000 I've been off the grid.

00:28:36.000 Now I'm back.

00:28:39.000 And I just don't know what's normal anymore.

00:28:43.000 Like, I don't even know.

00:28:45.000 That's fascinating.

00:28:46.000 It's fascinating to be a woman who's got a lot of money, who's got a lot of power. 0.99

00:28:51.000 Perceived.

00:28:52.000 But in that...

00:28:53.000 Well, you...

00:28:55.000 You got plenty, all right?

00:28:57.000 We don't have to go over numbers.

00:28:58.000 I'm not helpless.

00:28:58.000 I'm not a damsel in distress.

00:29:00.000 I don't need to be rescued, which a lot of guys want to rescue girls, I think.

00:29:03.000 If you make more than $34,000, you are in the 1% of the world.

00:29:07.000 Wow.

00:29:08.000 Did you know that?

00:29:08.000 No.

00:29:09.000 Yeah.

00:29:09.000 So you're in the 1% of America.

00:29:12.000 Mm-hmm.

00:29:12.000 So that's it.

00:29:14.000 You got a lot of money.

00:29:15.000 So most men are dating girls that are like... 0.99

00:29:20.000 Waitresses or bartenders or...

00:29:23.000 All the costumes you dress up to play roleplay, by the way.

00:29:25.000 Really?

00:29:26.000 Waitresses and bartending? 1.00

00:29:27.000 Yeah.

00:29:29.000 That is when I really realized, like, oh my gosh, guys love us to be in, like, subservient positions.

00:29:33.000 What, because you roleplay?

00:29:35.000 Well, no, I'm just saying it's very telling that the only sexy costumes available are, like, waitress, candy striper, secretary.

00:29:43.000 Cop.

00:29:44.000 Oh, that's a good point.

00:29:45.000 Nurse.

00:29:45.000 There's cop.

00:29:46.000 Nurse.

00:29:47.000 Nurse is not subservient. 0.99

00:29:49.000 They're kind of taking care of you.

00:29:50.000 It's not doctor.

00:29:51.000 Right.

00:29:51.000 Ooh, true.

00:29:52.000 There's no doctor.

00:29:53.000 There's no CEO. There's no MMA fighter.

00:29:57.000 But there is the fantasy of the boss who calls you into the office and makes you eat her pussy. 1.00

00:30:02.000 That's a good point. 1.00

00:30:04.000 There's a lot of that in those porn movies.

00:30:07.000 That's encouraging.

00:30:08.000 Yeah, but it's always like the guy has to dominate the boss.

00:30:11.000 Yes.

00:30:12.000 Right?

00:30:12.000 Yeah.

00:30:12.000 Well, yeah, it's always she's like, where's that paper?

00:30:14.000 And he's like, there's paper dick in your mouth. 1.00

00:30:17.000 It's always like that. 1.00

00:30:19.000 It's never like she's like, you're fired, and then he just leaves and jerks off. 0.99

00:30:22.000 Right. 0.99

00:30:23.000 Yeah.

00:30:23.000 You know.

00:30:24.000 That's a weird dynamic though.

00:30:26.000 Now that you're making me think about it, I never dated a girl who made a lot of money. 0.99

00:30:30.000 Never dated a girl who made more money than me.

00:30:32.000 That's for sure.

00:30:33.000 I'm thinking about it.

00:30:35.000 Never.

00:30:36.000 I don't think so.

00:30:37.000 Maybe when I was really broke.

00:30:39.000 I think that recently divorced guys are into it.

00:30:44.000 Oh, right, because they don't have to pay. 0.99

00:30:46.000 Because, yeah, they just had to pay, give half of their shit away. 0.97

00:30:49.000 So I feel like they're a little more receptive to it. 0.99

00:30:51.000 So I literally was saying to friends of mine, like, hey, set me up with your recently divorced friends.

00:30:54.000 They'll be into it.

00:30:55.000 But don't you think that there's a broad dynamic, right?

00:30:58.000 There's a lot of different kinds of people out there.

00:31:01.000 You just have to find someone who's into a strong woman, but not like a beta man.

00:31:05.000 That's the thing.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, I want someone who's more alpha than me.

00:31:08.000 You don't want, like, a male feminist who's, like, catering to you, who's, like, a beta, who wants to take care of the kids, who doesn't want to work, who wants to stay home. 1.00

00:31:16.000 An equal.

00:31:17.000 An equal, right.

00:31:18.000 Someone that I... I lose respect for people very quickly.

00:31:22.000 Whoa.

00:31:22.000 And so I need some...

00:31:22.000 Because you're competitive.

00:31:23.000 That's what it is.

00:31:24.000 Is that it? 1.00

00:31:25.000 You're a predator. 0.99

00:31:25.000 That's true. 0.99

00:31:26.000 Not a predator in a bad way, but you have predatory instincts.

00:31:29.000 You see weaknesses pretty quickly.

00:31:30.000 Yes.

00:31:31.000 Yes.

00:31:31.000 Good point.

00:31:31.000 I do.

00:31:32.000 Yeah.

00:31:32.000 And once I see it, I can't unsee it.

00:31:35.000 That's why that guy freaked you out when he said, you're a lot.

00:31:38.000 Because I'd tell you you're a lot, but I'd say it's a good thing.

00:31:41.000 Like, you're a lot.

00:31:42.000 He hit on my insecurity of I'm not feminine enough.

00:31:45.000 Like, I just want, like, in a relationship, I don't want to be the alpha.

00:31:48.000 I want to be, like, the subservient, obsequious Asian girl, quite frankly. 1.00

00:31:53.000 I don't want to have to be the boss in my relationship.

00:31:56.000 Oh.

00:31:56.000 This is turning into some weird sort of dating advice show.

00:31:59.000 I know.

00:32:00.000 Will you stop letting me talk?

00:32:02.000 I want you to talk.

00:32:03.000 It's okay. 1.00

00:32:03.000 I'm talking about sucking dicks? 1.00

00:32:05.000 This is a disaster. 1.00

00:32:06.000 It's fascinating.

00:32:07.000 People are excited about this right now.

00:32:08.000 There's dudes with their pants off all around the world.

00:32:10.000 Thank God.

00:32:11.000 Hit me up.

00:32:11.000 I'll pay your bills.

00:32:17.000 But you don't want to pay their bills.

00:32:19.000 It'll get ugly.

00:32:20.000 It'll get ugly.

00:32:21.000 I won't pay the ostensible bill.

00:32:24.000 You'll pay the valet.

00:32:28.000 I'll pay for the house and the vacations.

00:32:31.000 You cover the valet.

00:32:32.000 Oh, okay.

00:32:33.000 How about that?

00:32:33.000 That sounds like a good deal.

00:32:34.000 Because I don't want anyone to think I'm paying.

00:32:36.000 Because I did date a guy that did not have money and I would wire him money.

00:32:41.000 and so that he would pay him when we basically so that when we went out to dinner he'd pay so that people didn't think i was paying yeah that was a mistake i'm not gonna do that again that was like a week ago Hashtag Tony Hensler.

00:32:58.000 That's so bizarre.

00:32:59.000 Well, I would imagine that it's probably very hard.

00:33:01.000 I mean, you're saying it's very hard, but I would imagine it'd be very hard.

00:33:04.000 It's hard anyway.

00:33:05.000 You know, again, it's, you know, I'm not like, I need to get married tomorrow and da-da-da-da-da-da.

00:33:10.000 You know, so I'm not, um, but it's all, you know, it's a comedian.

00:33:14.000 The good news about being a comedian is you're like, I get to use it all, I get to alchemize this and Sublimate this pain into jokes.

00:33:21.000 So I just try to use it.

00:33:23.000 Well, you've been doing that a lot on stage.

00:33:25.000 You're talking about this kind of stuff on stage.

00:33:27.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:27.000 Yes, I did in my last special.

00:33:29.000 I was like, huh.

00:33:32.000 I have not done stand-up since I shot my special.

00:33:35.000 I tried to take, like, I try to take like three months off after every special because I feel like, number one, I don't like doing old material because I feel like I have, like I just feel like gross.

00:33:45.000 And then number two, I feel like I start doing a bad impression of myself if I do it, if I don't take a break and rewire my brain and kind of reboot.

00:33:54.000 That's interesting.

00:33:55.000 Stan Hub likes to do that.

00:33:56.000 Oh yeah?

00:33:57.000 Yeah, Stan Hub takes big chunks of time off.

00:34:00.000 He's detoxing probably.

00:34:01.000 He's got AIDS right now.

00:34:02.000 He's in Africa.

00:34:04.000 He just told me he has AIDS. She told me.

00:34:06.000 That's not true.

00:34:07.000 No.

00:34:08.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:34:08.000 I was like, it's the fucking Charlie Sheenum comedy. 0.99

00:34:09.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:34:10.000 Oh, my God. 0.91

00:34:11.000 He doesn't have sex. 0.72

00:34:12.000 Really?

00:34:13.000 Yeah.

00:34:14.000 Very Gandhi of him.

00:34:15.000 No, very drunk of him.

00:34:17.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:34:17.000 He just killed his dick with booze. 1.00

00:34:20.000 Is that something that can bounce back? 1.00

00:34:23.000 You're concerned.

00:34:25.000 Wait a minute.

00:34:26.000 He's on my hit list.

00:34:27.000 He's literally my type.

00:34:29.000 He's the perfect guy for me.

00:34:31.000 I don't know.

00:34:31.000 I have to talk to him.

00:34:32.000 Drinking problem.

00:34:33.000 Needs money. 1.00

00:34:33.000 Can't fuck. 1.00

00:34:34.000 He doesn't need money. 1.00

00:34:34.000 He makes a lot of money. 1.00

00:34:36.000 Yeah, I guess that's true.

00:34:37.000 Yeah, he's pretty wealthy.

00:34:37.000 He doesn't have a big overhead.

00:34:38.000 Doesn't he live in New Mexico or something?

00:34:40.000 Arizona.

00:34:40.000 Bisbee, Arizona.

00:34:41.000 He owns like a shack.

00:34:42.000 He's got the most bizarre house.

00:34:44.000 Pull an image of Doug Stanhope's house because he puts it up online.

00:34:47.000 Not only does he put it up online, he tells you where he lives.

00:34:49.000 He's like, he knows no one's going to rob him.

00:34:50.000 No, they do.

00:34:51.000 They could rob him.

00:34:52.000 There's nothing there. 0.96

00:34:52.000 Go rob him. 0.96

00:34:53.000 What are you going to do?

00:34:53.000 Steal one of his wacky suits that he gets from a thrift store?

00:34:56.000 He doesn't save anything.

00:34:58.000 Steal his pop-off vodka?

00:34:59.000 He's got like a laptop.

00:35:01.000 He'll steal that.

00:35:02.000 He'll go get another one.

00:35:02.000 He's got some comedy joke books.

00:35:04.000 When he was at the comedy store, he had that like plastic gallon of Popov vodka.

00:35:10.000 Yeah, there's his house.

00:35:10.000 This is a party that he puts on.

00:35:13.000 I fucking love him because he's the real deal. 0.98

00:35:15.000 He's like a real American original. 0.98

00:35:18.000 He has a house in Bisbee, Arizona.

00:35:20.000 He gives out the address online and people come to his house for a Super Bowl party.

00:35:26.000 Regular party.

00:35:27.000 Anybody.

00:35:28.000 They drive.

00:35:29.000 People have flown in from other countries and driven to Bisbee, Arizona to come to Doug Stanhope's house, and they come into his living room and hang out with him. 0.97

00:35:37.000 He's got a girlfriend, Bingo, who's legitimately out of her fucking mind crazy, like medicated, sees things that aren't there. 0.97

00:35:44.000 Is it she, like, suicidal? 0.99

00:35:45.000 I heard them on Stern, I think.

00:35:47.000 Could be.

00:35:48.000 You know?

00:35:48.000 I don't know if she's suicidal.

00:35:50.000 She's hilarious.

00:35:50.000 I wish I had a relationship like that.

00:35:52.000 Do you?

00:35:52.000 He still has a relationship and I don't.

00:35:55.000 Yeah.

00:35:55.000 All of these.

00:35:56.000 Non-sex relationship, I guess. 0.98

00:35:58.000 So it's just not sexual because he can't fuck or because they've... 0.91

00:36:02.000 He just doesn't have any desire to. 0.98

00:36:04.000 Interesting.

00:36:05.000 Yeah.

00:36:06.000 Very interesting.

00:36:07.000 I just, you know, I think if you just drink all the time and don't take care of your body, it's just like, that's a wrap!

00:36:15.000 Yep, it's a wrap.

00:36:16.000 Well, I think most of you go into survival mode, I'm sure his body's just trying to keep him alive.

00:36:21.000 I don't know. 0.99

00:36:22.000 We don't have time to fuck right now. 0.99

00:36:23.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:36:24.000 Or like his body's like, we shouldn't procreate.

00:36:27.000 Let's just stop this.

00:36:29.000 It could be that.

00:36:29.000 It's cigarettes, too.

00:36:30.000 Cigarettes definitely kill your sex drive.

00:36:32.000 How old is he?

00:36:33.000 He's my age.

00:36:34.000 He's 48. But you look like, you're like Benjamin Button.

00:36:38.000 You're like aging backwards. 0.59

00:36:39.000 Well, I work out a lot.

00:36:41.000 He doesn't.

00:36:41.000 But he makes fun of me.

00:36:42.000 He's like, how many surgeries have you had?

00:36:44.000 I'm like, I've had a bunch.

00:36:45.000 Surgeries?

00:36:45.000 Yeah.

00:36:46.000 Things breaking.

00:36:46.000 Oh, you're like on your joints and all that kind of stuff.

00:36:48.000 Things ripping.

00:36:49.000 Are you worried about your body from fighting and stuff?

00:36:54.000 Martial arts?

00:36:55.000 Yeah.

00:36:55.000 No.

00:36:56.000 I used to be worried.

00:36:57.000 Yeah.

00:36:58.000 But everybody dies.

00:36:59.000 Everybody dies.

00:37:00.000 Yeah, I mean, I worry about some things when things aren't going so well.

00:37:03.000 What happens when you don't work out?

00:37:04.000 I might have to get this fixed.

00:37:06.000 Your shoulder?

00:37:07.000 No, no, no.

00:37:07.000 I'm saying like when things go wrong.

00:37:09.000 Yeah.

00:37:10.000 I start going, uh-oh.

00:37:11.000 This one might not be good.

00:37:12.000 What's going on here?

00:37:13.000 Yeah.

00:37:13.000 Why is this clicking?

00:37:14.000 Shit. 1.00

00:37:15.000 I've got to get an MRI. I might break things. 0.99

00:37:17.000 But I've had so many things fixed.

00:37:19.000 Yeah.

00:37:19.000 You know?

00:37:20.000 Right.

00:37:20.000 Do you think that surgery is now improved?

00:37:23.000 Because I heard that the RG3 surgery is on his knee.

00:37:26.000 Not that he- RG3? Wasn't that the quarterback for the Redskins?

00:37:30.000 Who's that?

00:37:30.000 RG3? Joe doesn't know football, but- I literally don't even know the rules.

00:37:34.000 God, I love that.

00:37:35.000 Sexy.

00:37:36.000 Really?

00:37:37.000 Yeah, the only thing sexier than a guy knowing everything is a guy knowing nothing.

00:37:40.000 I just learned.

00:37:40.000 I don't know anything.

00:37:41.000 I had a friend of mine invite me over to a Super Bowl party, and thank God I had a fucking excuse. 0.92

00:37:47.000 But he's like, come on, go over and watch the football. 0.98

00:37:51.000 It wasn't a Super Bowl party.

00:37:52.000 I guess Super Bowl wasn't happening until February.

00:37:54.000 It was a football party, a Monday night football party.

00:37:57.000 Well, the only reason I know is because the guy that owns it was explaining to me that the knee surgeries made his knees better than they were before the injury.

00:38:08.000 My knees are definitely better than they were before my surgery.

00:38:10.000 The surgeries can now improve your...

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 Well, I've had ACL reconstruction on both my knees.

00:38:15.000 And the way they do it now...

00:38:16.000 Well, I have one they did the older way, which is a patella tendon graft, where they take a big slice out of your patella tendon, and then they open you up like a fish, and then they drill it into the knee, the tibia and the fibula.

00:38:29.000 And that one's definitely stronger than a regular ACL. And then my other one I had replaced with a cadaver ACL, which is even stronger because they use an Achilles tendon, which is much larger.

00:38:42.000 Oh, wow.

00:38:43.000 And that one is much less invasive, too.

00:38:46.000 The recovery time is incredibly quick.

00:38:48.000 I went to a party five days afterwards.

00:38:51.000 No cane, no nothing.

00:38:54.000 Yeah, it was crazy.

00:38:54.000 Just walk around.

00:38:56.000 Pimp limp. 0.98

00:38:56.000 Just walked around. 0.98

00:38:57.000 I didn't even have a limp.

00:38:58.000 Wow.

00:38:58.000 I mean, I didn't have full flexation.

00:39:00.000 Like, I couldn't bend it all the way.

00:39:01.000 But, you know, I get enough where I look normal.

00:39:04.000 Like, I broke my shoulder and I should have gotten surgery.

00:39:08.000 Mm-hmm.

00:39:08.000 Surgery would have, like, dramatic, like, the way he would have done it would have made it better.

00:39:11.000 I just didn't want to get surgery.

00:39:12.000 How long ago was this?

00:39:13.000 Uh, two years.

00:39:15.000 I just had, four months ago, I had stem cell shots in my shoulder.

00:39:20.000 Yeah, the ones, where'd you go?

00:39:22.000 Vegas.

00:39:22.000 I was going to get shoulder surgery, because I had a labrum tear and a rotator cuff tear, and there's some, apparently I've dislocated my shoulder before in jujitsu.

00:39:32.000 You just didn't know it?

00:39:33.000 I didn't know. 1.00

00:39:33.000 But that's jujitsu, it's fucking so brutal. 1.00

00:39:36.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:39:37.000 When you're, you know, engaging in a sport for 20 years, And the whole purpose of the sport is trying to break bodies.

00:39:43.000 Things go wrong.

00:39:45.000 And I guess my shoulder got dislocated and popped back in place and I didn't know. 0.99

00:39:49.000 So there's some broken shit in there. 0.98

00:39:51.000 And then I heard it again from practicing archery and from lifting too much weights. 0.99

00:39:56.000 I just literally pulled some of the tendon off the bone.

00:40:00.000 Literally pulled it off myself.

00:40:02.000 I didn't do it.

00:40:03.000 Nope.

00:40:04.000 It wasn't like someone yanked on it or I fell.

00:40:07.000 I just kept pulling.

00:40:09.000 My shoulder would get sore. 1.00

00:40:10.000 I'm like, shut up, pussy. 1.00

00:40:11.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:40:12.000 See, I have that inner monologue of if it hurts, you're doing something right.

00:40:17.000 That's how I grew up.

00:40:19.000 You know, if you're in pain, things should hurt.

00:40:22.000 That's an athletic thing, though.

00:40:23.000 Yeah.

00:40:23.000 I never say uncle.

00:40:25.000 But you can get, if your shoulder's still fucked up, you get these stem cell shots now. 0.92

00:40:29.000 It's incredible. 0.66

00:40:30.000 I'm sorry, I got the plasma where they spin out the white blood cells.

00:40:33.000 Is it that one?

00:40:34.000 No, that's platelet-rich plasma.

00:40:36.000 Yeah, PTP. Yeah, PRP. PRP. Yeah, and that's really good.

00:40:40.000 That helps healing, reduces inflammation.

00:40:42.000 And there's a more advanced version of that, which is called Regenikine.

00:40:45.000 Which I had a series of those done on my shoulder, which helped a lot, but it was more of a temporary fix.

00:40:50.000 It would help.

00:40:51.000 It would reduce the inflammation.

00:40:52.000 It would help the pain, but then slowly but surely, because I kept working out, the pain would, you know, sort of reemerge. 0.97

00:40:59.000 But the stem cell shots were a fucking complete game changer. 0.98

00:41:03.000 Wow. 0.99

00:41:04.000 And people always ask, how much does it cost?

00:41:05.000 It cost $2,500, which is a lot of money, I know. 0.99

00:41:10.000 The fucking result. 1.00

00:41:11.000 One shot. 1.00

00:41:12.000 I mean, my shoulder's fantastic now.

00:41:14.000 It's your body.

00:41:15.000 I worked out today.

00:41:16.000 No problems.

00:41:17.000 No pain.

00:41:18.000 I mean, I did chin-ups.

00:41:19.000 I did rows.

00:41:20.000 I did all these different things.

00:41:21.000 It doesn't bother me at all.

00:41:22.000 That's amazing.

00:41:23.000 No pain.

00:41:23.000 I was like that close to surgery.

00:41:25.000 I was like, I just can't keep doing this.

00:41:27.000 It used to make all these clicks.

00:41:28.000 It makes way less clicks now.

00:41:30.000 I used to have to wear that shirt, the shirt that has velcro on the back that pulls your shoulders down.

00:41:37.000 It's like I'd have to wear it like 30 minutes.

00:41:39.000 Who's that basketball player that wears it?

00:41:41.000 Jamie would know.

00:41:42.000 Yeah, the tall black guy.

00:41:45.000 Does that narrow it down?

00:41:47.000 It's a shirt that, it's probably a compression shirt, but it has velcro on the top and the bottom and they adjust it so that it changes the way that you walk and stuff.

00:41:55.000 Right, I get it, yeah.

00:41:57.000 Well, there's just amazing new innovations in science and medicine, like what they're able to do.

00:42:03.000 There's this guy, I think his name's Peter Welling, the guy who invented Regenikine, who's in Germany, Dusseldorf, Germany. 0.99

00:42:10.000 All the fucking Germans, always. 1.00

00:42:12.000 Well, they don't have the same restrictions that we had for the longest time. 1.00

00:42:15.000 For developing it. 0.99

00:42:16.000 Yeah, well, the fucking, the entire Bush administration fucked science and medicine in this country. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:21.000 Where they couldn't do stem cell research. 1.00

00:42:23.000 And then they finally figured out how to do autolis, stem cell, autolis?

00:42:28.000 What are you saying?

00:42:29.000 Google that.

00:42:29.000 Autologous?

00:42:30.000 Autologous? 0.52

00:42:32.000 Through your fat.

00:42:33.000 They take stem cell through your own fat or through your bone marrow.

00:42:36.000 They drill a hole in your hip.

00:42:37.000 They suck marrow out, make stem cells out of that.

00:42:39.000 But they don't even have to do that anymore.

00:42:41.000 Now they use placenta from a woman who has a cesarean section. 0.69

00:42:45.000 They take that placenta, make stem cells out of that, and that's what I got.

00:42:48.000 I put that on my face.

00:42:49.000 You do?

00:42:50.000 Yeah.

00:42:50.000 You put it on your face.

00:42:51.000 Placenta and colostrum.

00:42:52.000 Oh, colostrum.

00:42:53.000 And spit, apparently. 0.93

00:42:56.000 A lot of weird fluids on my face.

00:42:58.000 Well this guy, this doctor, they are literally months away from releasing this new procedure that they have that reinvigorates collagen in your skin.

00:43:09.000 Like changes your body's production of collagen.

00:43:12.000 They have some sort of an injection and through that injection your body reproduces collagen like it did when you were 20. Wow!

00:43:19.000 Yeah, people's face is just gonna go, like wrinkles are just gonna go away. 0.97

00:43:23.000 They're like, this is a fucking complete total game changer. 0.93

00:43:26.000 Wow. 0.99

00:43:26.000 When is that coming out? 0.99

00:43:28.000 Well, they're setting up the infrastructure right now just to deal with the amount of patience, the overwhelming amount of patience they're gonna get as soon as this happens.

00:43:34.000 It's gonna be like a trillion dollar business once it launches.

00:43:36.000 Let me ask you a question.

00:43:38.000 Would you, as a man, do it? 1.00

00:43:40.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:43:40.000 Why not? 1.00

00:43:41.000 Yeah, why not?

00:43:41.000 Good.

00:43:42.000 Why not?

00:43:42.000 I'm glad to know.

00:43:43.000 I mean, I don't think I'd get my fucking face palm back if I wouldn't get my nose fixed. 0.96

00:43:47.000 I don't think I would get my lips done. 0.99

00:43:49.000 You have a good nose.

00:43:49.000 Why would you get your nose fixed?

00:43:50.000 I had my nose fixed.

00:43:51.000 Really?

00:43:52.000 But the inside of it.

00:43:53.000 Oh, got it. 0.99

00:43:53.000 Like the cartilage and all this shit. 0.99

00:43:55.000 But it actually made my nose wider in some way because they shoved these wedges in there. 0.98

00:43:58.000 I think it's proportional to your face.

00:44:00.000 You don't want a smaller nose.

00:44:01.000 Thank you.

00:44:01.000 No, I don't want a smaller nose.

00:44:02.000 Have you broken it a ton of times?

00:44:03.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:04.000 Tons.

00:44:04.000 I don't even know how many times.

00:44:05.000 Really?

00:44:06.000 Oh, yeah.

00:44:06.000 Do you even go to get it fixed?

00:44:08.000 Or you're just like, it's broken?

00:44:09.000 Once I did.

00:44:10.000 But I didn't get it fixed until I was 30 years old.

00:44:18.000 I broke it for the first time when I was five.

00:44:22.000 I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five.

00:44:24.000 You were neglected.

00:44:30.000 Yes. 0.99

00:44:31.000 And I fell down a flight of stairs, smashed my nose, and it's been crooked ever since, but the inside of it was all fucked up. 0.90

00:44:37.000 And then from a lifetime of martial arts, kickboxing, it's just been hit so many times. 0.90

00:44:44.000 It was always bleeding.

00:44:45.000 There was always something in there.

00:44:46.000 So when your nose bleeds...

00:44:49.000 You've seen cauliflower ear.

00:44:51.000 Cauliflower ear is from the break in the ear.

00:44:54.000 When the tissue breaks away, it fills up with blood, and that blood calcifies.

00:44:59.000 That also happens in your nose.

00:45:01.000 So the inside of my nose was filled with hard, calcified blood that had just been smashed so many times that I couldn't breathe.

00:45:10.000 I had no breathing out of my nose.

00:45:12.000 This one, my left nostril was like...

00:45:15.000 No.

00:45:15.000 And then the right nostril was just locked down.

00:45:17.000 And that probably is not good for an athlete.

00:45:19.000 It's terrible.

00:45:19.000 Yeah.

00:45:20.000 Especially for kickboxing because I always had my mouth open.

00:45:22.000 Yeah, and you have the brace or the mouth garden.

00:45:25.000 Exactly.

00:45:26.000 So it's hard to breathe. 0.99

00:45:26.000 And if you open your mouth and you get hit with your jaw open, you get fucked up. 0.99

00:45:30.000 So it was never good. 0.98

00:45:32.000 But I didn't get it fixed for the longest time.

00:45:34.000 But once I did get it fixed, it was amazing.

00:45:36.000 It was like...

00:45:37.000 I know.

00:45:38.000 You're like, is this how everybody just lives all the time? 0.99

00:45:42.000 They shoved these big fucking things up my nose, these big foam tubes and stretched it out and he cut it. 0.99

00:45:49.000 There's things called turbinates in there. 0.99

00:45:51.000 They trim the turbinates, so they literally change the shape of the inside of my nose and shove these things up.

00:45:56.000 And my nose is a little wider.

00:45:58.000 I used to have, I get really bad migraines, and when we were trying to figure out what it was, like playing whack-a-mole with how to eliminate certain variables, they did cortisone in my sinuses, and that made me breathe so much better.

00:46:13.000 Cortisone?

00:46:14.000 Cortisone in my sinuses.

00:46:15.000 So you had some sort of inflammation?

00:46:16.000 A lot of us have sinus inflammation that we just don't know about.

00:46:21.000 And I was much less nasal, and I sounded less like Fran Drescher, which...

00:46:28.000 Some people like that, though.

00:46:29.000 They like that sound.

00:46:30.000 For like five minutes.

00:46:33.000 Yeah.

00:46:34.000 Yeah.

00:46:36.000 Love that.

00:46:37.000 No surgery, whatever.

00:46:38.000 No surgery. 0.97

00:46:39.000 But if your shoulder still fucks with you, you should really think about going... 0.95

00:46:42.000 It does. 0.98

00:46:43.000 Well, women have... 1.00

00:46:44.000 We hold a lot of our emotion here.

00:46:45.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:46:45.000 And in our shoulders and necks and purses.

00:46:48.000 So my surgeon was like, you cannot carry a 30-pound purse with all your shit in it. 0.99

00:46:53.000 You know what you need? 1.00

00:46:53.000 What? 1.00

00:46:53.000 A fanny pant. 1.00

00:46:54.000 Fanny pant. 0.99

00:46:55.000 Yeah.

00:46:56.000 I'll have them.

00:46:58.000 Really?

00:46:58.000 Can I get a Joe Rogan menu bag, please?

00:47:02.000 We need a new shipment?

00:47:03.000 Contact them.

00:47:04.000 Get a shipment in here, quickly.

00:47:06.000 Yeah, because women, we carry... 1.00

00:47:07.000 I was carrying a purse on my broken shoulder, and it really fucked me up.

00:47:12.000 Why wouldn't you carry it on your other shoulder?

00:47:13.000 Because, I mean, it's just like, even when this was... 0.94

00:47:15.000 I did six months of physical therapy on this right one, which is, as I'm sure you've gone through, is so fucking boring. 0.78

00:47:21.000 You just sit there and have to rock it back and forth.

00:47:23.000 Did you go to a place to do it?

00:47:25.000 Yeah, Colonelo.

00:47:26.000 Yeah, I did it once, and then I went home and I got these rubber bands.

00:47:29.000 I'm like, these exercises?

00:47:31.000 I'm like, I'm just doing it at home.

00:47:32.000 It's crazy.

00:47:33.000 It's so annoying.

00:47:33.000 And then I had to, because of, you know more about this than anyone, if I heard this thing, it affects the left, and then it affects my hips, because it's all connected.

00:47:42.000 So I started sort of having to do my whole body, and that's when I got an S. Really?

00:47:47.000 Yep. 0.71

00:47:47.000 That happens to a lot of people, not getting an ass, but you hurt your knee, and then because of your knee, you'll get a left hip problem. 0.71

00:47:54.000 Yes, because it's all rubber band, right? 0.96

00:47:56.000 And I am hypermobile.

00:47:58.000 Hypermobile.

00:47:59.000 Hypermobile, which means I lift and run and everything with my bones and not my muscles. 0.99

00:48:04.000 So I had to relearn how to like- What the fuck? 0.98

00:48:06.000 What does that mean? 0.98

00:48:07.000 I've never even heard of this. 1.00

00:48:07.000 It's a very, like, Western European inbred bullshit sort of thing. 1.00

00:48:12.000 I also have, um, uh, Osgood Schlatter's in my knees. 0.99

00:48:15.000 What does that mean?

00:48:16.000 Which means you get, like, a bone spurt.

00:48:18.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:48:18.000 And your bones grow too fast, so I have, like, this...

00:48:21.000 Oh, holo.

00:48:23.000 What is that thing?

00:48:24.000 It's a tumor.

00:48:25.000 It's like a ball of nerves.

00:48:28.000 It's an alien.

00:48:29.000 Yeah.

00:48:29.000 I just was like, probably GMOs plus like a...

00:48:33.000 GMOs.

00:48:33.000 I would imagine, plus like, you know, a Western European mutt alcoholism gene.

00:48:38.000 And so the bones get like, does it hurt?

00:48:41.000 Or just sticks out?

00:48:42.000 I had like a, just grew too fast.

00:48:45.000 Really?

00:48:45.000 You know, that happened to my mastiff.

00:48:48.000 Huge with dogs, especially purebred dogs.

00:48:50.000 Yeah, my Mastiff, he was getting some limping issues, and it was when he was a puppy, and they were saying that he has too much protein in his food.

00:48:59.000 You have to buy him large dog food.

00:49:03.000 And I'm like, what?

00:49:04.000 Like, large breed?

00:49:05.000 Because I was feeding him raw eggs, really healthy stuff, and his body was growing too fast.

00:49:12.000 Wow.

00:49:13.000 He was getting, like, he would have, like, a limp.

00:49:14.000 And I thought, uh-oh, he might have hurt himself.

00:49:16.000 So I brought him in.

00:49:16.000 Because I've had dogs that had ACL surgery.

00:49:19.000 Yeah.

00:49:20.000 Pits?

00:49:20.000 Yeah.

00:49:21.000 Yeah, they have notorious.

00:49:22.000 I have a pit and a Great Dane puppy, who I'm going through the same thing with.

00:49:25.000 He's just growing himself.

00:49:26.000 I had this female pit that had both her rear legs done. 1.00

00:49:29.000 She had one rear leg, like, all of a sudden she had this weird limp.

00:49:32.000 Like, she was walking around with one foot off the ground.

00:49:34.000 So I brought her in.

00:49:35.000 They had to fix that.

00:49:36.000 Yeah.

00:49:36.000 They do it by changing the angle of the bone.

00:49:39.000 They cut the bone so the bone, instead of it falling backwards, they cut it at an angle so that it doesn't do that.

00:49:48.000 Interesting.

00:49:48.000 Yeah, it's weird how they do it.

00:49:50.000 They don't do it like a person where they replace the ligament.

00:49:52.000 They change the shape of the bone.

00:49:54.000 Can I just say something random?

00:49:55.000 Yes.

00:49:55.000 I'm so glad.

00:49:57.000 I mean, I'm sure we'll look back in 20 years and there'll be so much new technology and we're like, I can't believe we lived in a day where we didn't have the stem cell injectors at our home or whatever.

00:50:06.000 Right.

00:50:07.000 But, like, my dad got sick with my animals getting sick. 0.99

00:50:10.000 I'm like, thank God we don't live in the fucking 20s when they were guessing. 0.98

00:50:13.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

00:50:14.000 They were just guessing.

00:50:15.000 Like, they worked out all the kinks. 0.99

00:50:16.000 They were telling you should smoke cigarettes.

00:50:17.000 Yeah.

00:50:18.000 Yes.

00:50:18.000 Did you ever see that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio where he played the aviator?

00:50:25.000 Yeah, of course.

00:50:26.000 Howard Hughes.

00:50:27.000 Howard Hughes' parents were telling him, listen to the doctor, you need to smoke cigarettes because it would make you more vigorous.

00:50:34.000 They used to tell kids that.

00:50:36.000 Well, that's like saying, I mean, is milk as good for you as it's supposed to be?

00:50:41.000 It's definitely not good for you.

00:50:43.000 Someone's explaining that because of the amount of, it actually strips your bones of vitamin D in some way.

00:50:48.000 I don't know.

00:50:49.000 I'm not an expert, but we might look back one day and be like, milk isn't as good for you as we thought.

00:50:52.000 Here's the deal with milk.

00:50:54.000 This is a big part of what's wrong with milk.

00:50:56.000 Homogenization and pasteurization.

00:50:57.000 So when you're drinking milk, you're drinking milk with no enzymes in it because it's all boiled down so you can keep it on a shelf for a year.

00:51:03.000 Yeah, even overcooking vegetables, you're not really getting the...

00:51:06.000 Some vegetables.

00:51:07.000 Ordering a salad at a restaurant could be the most unhealthy thing because it has so much fertilizers and chemicals and stuff on it.

00:51:12.000 Well, it can have E. Coli.

00:51:13.000 That's a big one because water that's run off from the fields, from pastures where cows are shitting, that can be a real issue.

00:51:22.000 And women get over 50% of their calories from salad dressing? 1.00

00:51:26.000 What?

00:51:27.000 I've read that somewhere.

00:51:32.000 50% of your calories.

00:51:33.000 What are you drinking, ranch?

00:51:34.000 From salads.

00:51:35.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:51:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:51:37.000 Like that women always eat salads and they think they're eating so healthy and they're just eating like salad dressing. 1.00

00:51:42.000 Croutons. 0.99

00:51:43.000 Yes, and just like the garbage. 1.00

00:51:44.000 Trans fats. 1.00

00:51:45.000 And that almost sometimes the worst thing you can get at the grocery store is just an apple because of all the shit in it and chemicals on it and the dyes and whatever. 0.99

00:51:52.000 You know what I like on salad? 0.99

00:51:53.000 I like oil, olive oil, and vinegar. 1.00

00:51:55.000 But good luck trying to find that shit at a restaurant. 1.00

00:51:58.000 Really? 1.00

00:51:58.000 Yeah, it's hard. 1.00

00:51:59.000 You can just get oil and vinegar, no?

00:52:00.000 Most restaurants, they're allowed to give you balsamic or this or that or creamy this.

00:52:05.000 Be that guy that shows up with a dressing in a flask.

00:52:08.000 That guy's not good.

00:52:09.000 That guy is not good. 1.00

00:52:10.000 My vagina will dry up. 1.00

00:52:13.000 Can you imagine? 1.00

00:52:15.000 What if a guy shows up with his own wine?

00:52:18.000 Drink it in the car alone like a man. 1.00

00:52:22.000 Okay, drink it out of a flask like an adult.

00:52:25.000 How would you feel if you went to a date with a guy and you went to a fancy restaurant and he pulled out, he had a bag with him, like a velvet bag.

00:52:33.000 For a satchel?

00:52:34.000 He pulled out his own wine.

00:52:36.000 A rose?

00:52:37.000 Yes.

00:52:37.000 No, it would have to be a red.

00:52:38.000 A Sutter home?

00:52:40.000 Jacob's Creek? 1.00

00:52:41.000 If you're going to bring your own wine and it's like a white wine, you should really go die. 0.99

00:52:44.000 I have a good one. 0.99

00:52:45.000 I went out with a guy who's an actor.

00:52:47.000 I like how you said that.

00:52:48.000 That's how you should always say it.

00:52:50.000 Oh, you want to be an actor.

00:52:52.000 What a great idea.

00:52:54.000 There's none of those.

00:52:56.000 You'll flood the market.

00:52:57.000 He was more of an actress, actually.

00:53:00.000 He had long hair, and he sort of conned me into going out to dinner with him.

00:53:04.000 Is this the guy that was dating my friends, the older ladies?

00:53:08.000 The same guy?

00:53:09.000 With those knee-high moccasins?

00:53:11.000 I don't know.

00:53:11.000 Might have been the same dude.

00:53:12.000 I don't know who that guy is, but possibly.

00:53:14.000 Might have been the same guy.

00:53:14.000 This guy actually works quite a bit.

00:53:16.000 And we went out, and comfortably a foot and a half shorter than me, or at least feels like it.

00:53:21.000 And he was wearing his hair down.

00:53:23.000 When the food came, he put his hair up...

00:53:27.000 Oh, Christ.

00:53:28.000 And then when they took the plate away, he took it back down. 1.00

00:53:30.000 Oh, he's got to die.

00:53:32.000 I mean, I literally was like, I can't, I don't... 0.96

00:53:36.000 What do I do?

00:53:38.000 Is that why we should own guns as Americans?

00:53:40.000 I was like, I now feel like we all need a handgun.

00:53:43.000 I need a handgun.

00:53:44.000 And he did when he was talking about a trip to Italy or something.

00:53:48.000 And when he taught, he'd be like, you know, and then the police said to me, which means take a left there.

00:53:55.000 So he would talk in Italian and then translate it for me.

00:53:58.000 It was such a bummer.

00:54:00.000 So he's trying to let you know that he's bilingual.

00:54:02.000 Yeah.

00:54:03.000 Yeah.

00:54:05.000 I don't like it when guys hurt themselves.

00:54:07.000 You don't need to gag for me.

00:54:08.000 It's not a turn on.

00:54:09.000 Oops.

00:54:10.000 My mouth is numb.

00:54:11.000 It's fine.

00:54:11.000 I've had a lot of really...

00:54:12.000 Because I am just sort of single-y.

00:54:16.000 And I also went on a date with a guy who, at the end of the date, put his hand up and said...

00:54:23.000 High-fived you?

00:54:23.000 All right, dude.

00:54:27.000 Wow.

00:54:28.000 That's a rough one.

00:54:29.000 It was rough.

00:54:31.000 I thought I had been shot.

00:54:32.000 I felt like I had been shot.

00:54:33.000 All right, dude.

00:54:34.000 Wow.

00:54:34.000 It was actually like a, what's this?

00:54:36.000 What's this thing?

00:54:37.000 It's like a spring back.

00:54:37.000 You lean all the way back?

00:54:39.000 Yeah.

00:54:40.000 So he's like going for a very hard high five.

00:54:42.000 I know.

00:54:43.000 He's going to give you a lot of impact. 0.90

00:54:44.000 Are you going to hit me?

00:54:45.000 I wasn't sure.

00:54:47.000 He's going to throw a ball and you're going to go fetch it.

00:54:49.000 And then that's when I get...

00:54:51.000 Totally.

00:54:54.000 I was like, that's when I realized like, oh, I am now gender neutral.

00:54:59.000 No, that's not true.

00:55:00.000 Guys don't see me as a girl.

00:55:01.000 I think what you've nailed it already is that there's a lot of guys that are intimidated by the fact that you're successful and ambitious.

00:55:08.000 And I think that's a legit concern.

00:55:11.000 I was listening to this TED Talk, TED Radio Hour, rather.

00:55:15.000 Yeah, I listened to that.

00:55:16.000 I think that's where I heard about the salad dressing.

00:55:19.000 There was one of the recent ones, I forget what the name of the title was, but a disruptive leadership?

00:55:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:27.000 So the woman was talking about the word bossy, and about how women are told to not be bossy, like if a man does it, he's assertive, but if a woman does it, he's bossy. 0.79

00:55:37.000 It was the first time that I ever heard that, that I thought, ooh, maybe there's something to that.

00:55:43.000 No one's ever going to say, Joe Rogan's bossy.

00:55:46.000 No one wants to be called bossy.

00:55:48.000 No, you're going to say he's assertive and strong.

00:55:50.000 But if they did say I was bossy, I'd be like, okay, well maybe I'm doing something wrong.

00:55:53.000 A lot of times people get carried away or get caught up in the momentum of their own behavior and don't even realize how they're acting.

00:56:01.000 Someone has to tell you, hey, you're being bossy, and you're like, oh.

00:56:04.000 But they don't say that about guys. 0.99

00:56:06.000 They can say to the guy, he's a dick, or he's overbearing, or whatever, but a woman becomes bossy. 1.00

00:56:12.000 But then she was going on about, we should encourage men to not work, and take the role of child-rearing, and let the women work, and I was like, okay, this bitch is crazy. 1.00

00:56:20.000 It's too general. 0.99

00:56:21.000 It's like this whole men and women, it's like you can't... 0.99

00:56:24.000 It was personal, I think.

00:56:25.000 I think it was her own trip that she was trying to make it more normal for men to do that, to be the one who takes care of the children, and we should encourage this.

00:56:36.000 I don't think you should encourage it one way or the other.

00:56:39.000 I think there's going to be a bunch of people that like that.

00:56:41.000 I know a guy who's a mom.

00:56:43.000 His wife works all the time.

00:56:46.000 She's like a high-powered executive. 1.00

00:56:48.000 But she's fucking miserable. 1.00

00:56:49.000 She works all the time, and the husband's always like, let's go on vacation! 1.00

00:56:53.000 And she makes a ton of money, and he doesn't make jack shit. 0.95

00:56:55.000 He's a very bright guy, too. 0.97

00:56:56.000 He's a professor.

00:56:57.000 But he teaches one class, rides his bike everywhere. 1.00

00:57:00.000 He's a fucking total hippie. 1.00

00:57:02.000 And she's fucking grinding, grinding every day. 1.00

00:57:07.000 And they make tons of money, but it's not on him. 0.99

00:57:10.000 It's a weird dynamic. 0.99

00:57:12.000 Whenever we're all together, I'm like, wow, this fucking relationship is so odd. 0.97

00:57:15.000 I mean, it's interesting. 0.99

00:57:16.000 I was talking to this neuroanthropologist.

00:57:19.000 Holo! 0.99

00:57:20.000 Holo! 0.99

00:57:21.000 You would like him, actually.

00:57:23.000 So this project that I'm doing has a lot of, like, sort of experts in it.

00:57:27.000 Which project is this?

00:57:28.000 It's a pilot for HBO, where I have, instead of, like, a...

00:57:32.000 You know, a friend who's like the exposition friend who's like, you know what you should do?

00:57:35.000 You should get a makeover.

00:57:36.000 I instead have, you know, people, TED Talk people and, you know, Malcolm Gladwell and Michael Moran or anthropologists and neurologists come in and sort of explain what's happening because I think a lot of us sort of are pretending or are Misinformed thinking that we have choices in all of the decisions we make when so much of it is our primal reptilian brain just running the show and human nature taking over.

00:57:57.000 Like, feminism! 1.00

00:57:59.000 Of course I'm pro-feminism, but human nature and evolution of neurology doesn't catch up as fast as social progress does.

00:58:07.000 So a lot of this is against some level of human nature.

00:58:10.000 So I was asking him if he thought humans were inherently a matriarchy or a patriarchy.

00:58:15.000 Yes.

00:58:27.000 Yes.

00:58:31.000 Hyenas, yeah. 0.69

00:58:32.000 And bonobo apes, also. 0.99

00:58:34.000 Do you know hyenas, the females, have fake dicks? 1.00

00:58:36.000 No! 1.00

00:58:37.000 Yes, they have a faux penis. 1.00

00:58:38.000 They have an actual penis, and they give birth out of it. 1.00

00:58:41.000 It's an enormous penis, and they mount the males. 0.97

00:58:43.000 They're the only mammals where the females are larger than the males. 0.78

00:58:46.000 And it's because life as a hyena is so ruthless that male hyenas will regularly eat the babies.

00:58:51.000 So to keep them from eating the babies, the women are the gangsters. 1.00

00:58:54.000 They're bigger and stronger, and they dominate the men and fuck them. 1.00

00:58:58.000 They fuck them with their giant fake dicks. 1.00

00:59:04.000 That's the happiest I've ever seen you, by the way, explaining that. 1.00

00:59:07.000 I just saw glee sparkling inside. 0.99

00:59:09.000 I have a fucking real problem with wildlife. 0.99

00:59:10.000 I fucking love it. 0.98

00:59:11.000 I love it, but it's also what does patriarchal mean and what does matriarchal mean? 0.98

00:59:15.000 Does it mean physically bigger?

00:59:16.000 Does it mean the female lion's doing the hunting?

00:59:19.000 The male lion is pretty much the boss.

00:59:21.000 They call the shots and are bigger, but they have to sleep most of the time to To preserve their energy and it's not economical for them to be up and running around.

00:59:30.000 Bonobo apes, the women sort of call the shots in terms of who kills who and who's in charge and they're sort of like have the resources and stuff and because they're a gynocracy Is that what it's called? 1.00

00:59:41.000 They use their vaginas to, you know, like if someone's pissed off, they fuck them. 1.00

00:59:45.000 Yes, a gyneocracy. 1.00

00:59:47.000 So they use sex to sort of placate and to get what they want. 1.00

00:59:50.000 They're hookers. 1.00

00:59:51.000 Yes, essentially. 1.00

00:59:52.000 Exactly.

00:59:53.000 And so is that, you know, in humans, we would say that's a weakness and that's, you know, you're being...

00:59:59.000 Oh, not true at all. 0.99

01:00:00.000 That's fucking standard. 0.98

01:00:02.000 You're using what you have to make. 0.98

01:00:04.000 So we were talking about that and he sort of was making a strong argument that humans could have inherent matriarchal traits that we, you know, Oppress.

01:00:17.000 That we oppress?

01:00:19.000 Yeah, just in terms of like, you know, if, you know, what does power mean?

01:00:23.000 And, you know, men are sort of designed to do the hunting and the killing and the protecting, and we're sort of designed to do all the organizing and all of the, like, bullshit work, but we're not sort of allowed to do that a lot in this society.

01:00:35.000 Organizing? 0.90

01:00:36.000 Or, like, family organizing?

01:00:38.000 Tribal organizing, raising the kids, making decisions about...

01:00:41.000 We're not allowed to?

01:00:42.000 You don't think so?

01:00:43.000 Well, I don't know.

01:00:44.000 I think that we're criticized a lot when we do what we do best at.

01:00:51.000 We're called crazy and neurotic and obsessive and she's obsessed with getting married and nesting in the house and she wants to change the carpet. 1.00

01:00:58.000 It's like that's what we're wired very well to do.

01:01:01.000 Well, I think the reason why men will criticize that is because they don't understand those instincts.

01:01:05.000 Like, my wife takes care of everything. 1.00

01:01:08.000 She's the one who's responsible for all the... 1.00

01:01:10.000 If you go to my house, you'd be like, oh, this isn't even your fucking house. 1.00

01:01:14.000 This is some chick's house. 1.00

01:01:15.000 I have a few rooms in my house that are mine, clearly, but most of the house is my wife's design and all her shit. 0.99

01:01:21.000 I just let her, but I mock it because I don't understand it. 0.97

01:01:25.000 I'll make fun of it, but it's...

01:01:27.000 And I think what I should mention is I think that women are shamed for that more than men shaming women.

01:01:31.000 I think that there's this thing now where if you're, like, great at organizing the house and cooking and cleaning, like, you're not a feminist. 0.91

01:01:36.000 It's like, well...

01:01:37.000 I hate that word.

01:01:38.000 I don't like the word feminist. 0.99

01:01:40.000 It's so loaded.

01:01:41.000 And it's not that I don't like equality.

01:01:43.000 I just don't like...

01:01:44.000 There's so many hashtag feminists. 1.00

01:01:46.000 Yeah.

01:01:46.000 There's so many people that...

01:01:47.000 There's people that I'm obsessed with. 1.00

01:01:49.000 I go to their Twitter page because every fucking post they make is about gender. 0.99

01:01:53.000 It's like most of their identity is based on feminism. 1.00

01:01:56.000 There's a giant chunk of what they do, and they think they're being activists, but you're not.

01:02:01.000 And a lot of feminists, or a lot of feminism doesn't mean being equal. 1.00

01:02:04.000 It means women should be superior. 1.00

01:02:06.000 It's like, wait a second, I thought the goal was that we were supposed to be superior, which means that we should equally be judged and criticized and all these other things.

01:02:13.000 It can't be like, I'm going to speak out, but you're not allowed to attack me or question anything I say.

01:02:18.000 If you do, you're a misogynist.

01:02:19.000 If you question anything I say, it's like, no...

01:02:22.000 So I think that is a very tricky place.

01:02:24.000 And I'm working on this thing that's sort of about how our primal neurology, like what annoys you about your wife today, not you particularly, Joe, or what annoys you about your boyfriend today is what kept you alive 2,000 years ago.

01:02:38.000 So essentially all the things that annoy your girl going through your cell phone today.

01:02:43.000 2,000 years ago was her surveying land for tigers and threats.

01:02:47.000 You know, today it just manifests in going through your cell phone.

01:02:49.000 Looking for threats to the...

01:02:52.000 Yeah, we have streetlights now.

01:02:53.000 We have alarm systems.

01:02:55.000 You don't need to be looking for paw prints because there was a tiger around.

01:02:59.000 You need to be checking the cell phone and going through his computer and his emails.

01:03:02.000 That's the same impulse.

01:03:03.000 We're not just going to evolve overnight to catch up with cell phones and streetlights.

01:03:06.000 Well, there's just so many classic stereotypes when it comes to gender roles. 0.99

01:03:12.000 And one of my favorites is the feminist that's always concerned with rape and they constantly have all these rape tweets and rape awareness. 1.00

01:03:21.000 And then you look at them and they're morbidly obese and they have pink hair.

01:03:25.000 And you're like, well, what's going on here?

01:03:26.000 Why is your entire existence, so much of your thoughts, whatever you're projecting online, so much of it is about gender.

01:03:35.000 Yeah.

01:03:35.000 And then they mock men.

01:03:36.000 Like there's all this MRA mocking.

01:03:39.000 Like someone called me an MRA and I literally had to Google it because I didn't know what it meant.

01:03:42.000 What is that?

01:03:42.000 Men's rights advocate.

01:03:44.000 So feminists who mock men who want rights, which is hilarious. 1.00

01:03:48.000 Oh, that's a bummer.

01:03:49.000 It is a bummer, but it's loaded.

01:03:51.000 It's also loaded.

01:03:52.000 And it's so loaded, and it's the few radical ones give everyone a bad name.

01:03:59.000 It's like, does every football player beat up his girlfriend?

01:04:02.000 No, Ray Rice did, so now it's in the zeitgeist.

01:04:05.000 Well, I had this woman, Christina Summers, on my podcast a couple weeks ago, and she calls herself the factual feminist, and she's an older woman who grew up as a feminist in a time where she believes that it had a different meaning, and it was a Yeah.

01:04:46.000 Yeah.

01:04:47.000 So these are disingenuous comparisons, and these statistics are biased.

01:04:51.000 Agreed, and I think that, you know, I talked to, Maureen Dowd wrote this article two weekends ago in the New York Times about less women in Hollywood and less women directors and all that kind of stuff.

01:04:59.000 Yeah, I saw that.

01:05:00.000 And I think that my sort of point, and she's a friend of mine and we're working on something together, but I think my point when people ask me about, like, what do you think about less women directors in Hollywood, I'm like, no one's talking about all the offers we get that we pass on.

01:05:11.000 So, no women in late night. 0.99

01:05:13.000 You think that they wouldn't make a show with Amy Poehler right now as the host of a late night show?

01:05:17.000 Right.

01:05:18.000 They don't cover the women that pass. 0.99

01:05:20.000 Amy Schumer was offered the Daily Show and she passed.

01:05:22.000 Right.

01:05:22.000 No one talks about that.

01:05:23.000 Right.

01:05:23.000 So it's like, I've been offered direct movies and I'm directing a movie next year, but I've said no because it's just not something that I really want to do.

01:05:30.000 Why are there less female comedians? 1.00

01:05:31.000 It's like, I mean, now I feel like there's not as much, but it's like, because the lifestyle is fucking stressful.

01:05:36.000 It's the same reason we might not have our own football league, because we don't want to play a sport where we have to put a helmet on.

01:05:40.000 It's just like...

01:05:41.000 You know, so...

01:05:42.000 I think it's a harder gig for a woman. 1.00

01:05:44.000 Stand up?

01:05:44.000 Yeah, I think there's...

01:05:45.000 Name one female comedian who's married with kids.

01:05:48.000 I can't.

01:05:52.000 Um...

01:05:52.000 There was a...

01:05:52.000 Bonnie McFarlane.

01:05:53.000 Oh yeah, there you go.

01:05:54.000 That's right, but she's married to a comedian and she gets to open for him on the road. 1.00

01:05:57.000 Right, and they pass the baby back and forth like a football.

01:06:01.000 Totally! 0.70

01:06:03.000 And comedians suck at football, so that kid probably hits the ground quite a bit. 0.87

01:06:06.000 Well, she's a child now. 0.97

01:06:08.000 She's not a baby anymore.

01:06:09.000 But they get to do it together.

01:06:10.000 Yes.

01:06:11.000 And they have a great relationship.

01:06:12.000 Yes.

01:06:12.000 They're funny together.

01:06:13.000 Yes.

01:06:13.000 And she's very talented as well.

01:06:15.000 Yes.

01:06:15.000 But it's a good point.

01:06:17.000 It's a very good point.

01:06:18.000 And I have, like, I mean, I even struggle to find female comedians who have, like, good relationships. 0.97

01:06:23.000 That's true.

01:06:23.000 Or have a kind of stable relationship.

01:06:24.000 So it's not.

01:06:25.000 Well, I think it's the same thing that you were talking about.

01:06:26.000 It's hard to find a guy who can deal with a woman that's got a strong personality. 1.00

01:06:31.000 You want a lot of guys, they just want a woman to be cute. 1.00

01:06:33.000 What?

01:06:34.000 No way. 1.00

01:06:35.000 No fucking way. 0.99

01:06:36.000 I don't let them come see me perform. 1.00

01:06:37.000 You don't let them?

01:06:40.000 No.

01:06:41.000 Nope.

01:06:42.000 It's like my dirty little secret.

01:06:44.000 It's like I'm cheating.

01:06:45.000 I literally will be cheating on the guy I'm with with stand-up.

01:06:47.000 I'm like, I'm going to run to Starbucks, and then I'll go do a set at the comedy store and come home.

01:06:50.000 Wow.

01:06:51.000 How bizarre.

01:06:52.000 I will not let the guy I'm dating see it.

01:06:54.000 Yeah.

01:06:54.000 We should probably talk about all this offstage.

01:06:56.000 I think there's workarounds.

01:06:59.000 I don't know.

01:07:00.000 You need to establish parameters.

01:07:01.000 Yeah, maybe it's just the wrong guys.

01:07:02.000 Yeah, it's 100%.

01:07:03.000 But I think that...

01:07:05.000 Yeah, you're dating bimbos. 1.00

01:07:06.000 It's true.

01:07:06.000 You know what?

01:07:07.000 Who else said that to me?

01:07:08.000 It might have been Callan, actually.

01:07:09.000 I do date the...

01:07:12.000 Himbo. 0.98

01:07:13.000 Yes.

01:07:13.000 You're dating himbos.

01:07:14.000 I'm like a chauvinist.

01:07:15.000 I was dating professional athletes and male models.

01:07:19.000 Well, that's why I used the word frantic, but energetic.

01:07:23.000 You've got too much...

01:07:25.000 Fear.

01:07:27.000 And a lot of men, they're not going to match that.

01:07:30.000 You know, and sometimes when you see, like, when people, like, if they hate, like, if they hate on someone, like, there's a lot of people that hate on, like, Kevin Hart or someone like that.

01:07:39.000 Why?

01:07:40.000 Is he getting a backlash? 1.00

01:07:41.000 Oh, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:07:42.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

01:07:43.000 Oh my God, that guy's got plenty of hate.

01:07:44.000 Well, he's so ambitious.

01:07:46.000 He's ambitious.

01:07:46.000 He's so ambitious and he makes you feel lazy.

01:07:49.000 Yeah.

01:07:49.000 Like, I'm ambitious and I see Kevin Hart, I'm like, I might be lazy.

01:07:52.000 Yeah.

01:07:52.000 I might be lazy in comparison to him.

01:07:54.000 Yeah.

01:07:54.000 I mean, it's really what successful people do, right, is they just sort of illuminate our insecurities about ourselves.

01:07:59.000 They hold a mirror up to what we don't have.

01:08:02.000 Yeah.

01:08:02.000 And a lot of people, they don't do well with that, and instead they start attacking that mirror.

01:08:07.000 Yes.

01:08:08.000 And I heard a quote a long time ago that stuck with me, which is that comparison is the worst form of violence against yourself.

01:08:14.000 And it's one that I know you're probably not a big quote, like inspirational quote person, but that's one that I stick to whenever I get stuck in the heat.

01:08:20.000 She's got this and I don't and she did this and I didn't and I'm falling behind and all that sort of.

01:08:24.000 That's a good way to look at it because instead you should look at it like fuel. 0.99

01:08:28.000 That uncomfortable feeling that you get when you see someone kicking ass. 1.00

01:08:31.000 You're supposed to go kick some ass. 1.00

01:08:33.000 Use it. 1.00

01:08:33.000 Go home and write. 1.00

01:08:34.000 Use it.

01:08:35.000 Exactly.

01:08:35.000 Go work out.

01:08:36.000 Go to the gym.

01:08:36.000 Do something.

01:08:37.000 Because they have the same 24 hours we do, presumably.

01:08:40.000 And that's how you get better. 1.00

01:08:42.000 You don't get better because you're the shit. 1.00

01:08:44.000 And you're better than everybody. 1.00

01:08:45.000 Like, why would I even try?

01:08:47.000 Those days are gone.

01:08:48.000 That doesn't exist anymore.

01:08:50.000 There's not this one genius that comes down from the mountain with all the great ideas.

01:08:53.000 No, you have to be surrounded by other people that also have amazing ideas.

01:08:56.000 Yes, to elevate you.

01:08:57.000 And you inspire each other.

01:08:58.000 I mean, it's tricky because I feel like when I hear the word ambitious, maybe it's to your point about the word bossy and the disruptive leadership thing, I feel like when we say a woman is ambitious, there's this weird stink on that word.

01:09:11.000 It makes me recoil a tiny bit because it makes...

01:09:15.000 I don't know why.

01:09:15.000 It's kind of a dirty word.

01:09:17.000 When people say I'm ambitious, I get uncomfortable.

01:09:20.000 But I think for me, I noticed recently, I'm just turned 33, I don't need to be famous.

01:09:27.000 That's not something that I need or I've realized that I want.

01:09:30.000 I think that in the beginning, I was like, oh, I was not seen and heard as a child.

01:09:34.000 All I want to do is be seen and heard.

01:09:36.000 And then in the last three years, I've done some work on myself and woken up.

01:09:41.000 I'm not like Like, just flying through space unconsciously the way I used to.

01:09:47.000 That's made things very clear for me in terms of when I wake up in the morning what my goals are.

01:09:51.000 And how I just want to be good.

01:09:53.000 I don't want to be famous.

01:09:55.000 And that makes my life a lot more sort of chill.

01:09:58.000 And I also think that if I had a relationship with kids, I wouldn't work this hard.

01:10:01.000 It's just I don't have kids.

01:10:03.000 Right.

01:10:04.000 When you say you want to be good, what do you define that by?

01:10:08.000 Good with your stand-up?

01:10:09.000 Yeah.

01:10:10.000 It's pretty much every good stand-up that I know, and I think you're very funny, by the way.

01:10:15.000 Every person like you, anyone that's good, that's pretty much the most important thing. 0.51

01:10:19.000 I do a lot of different shit, but if anybody ever said, all right, Joe, you have to pick one, only one thing. 0.78

01:10:24.000 It wouldn't even be... 0.97

01:10:26.000 There's not even a thing.

01:10:27.000 There's no thought.

01:10:28.000 I could always enjoy conversations with people without putting them in a podcast.

01:10:32.000 I could always enjoy watching the UFC without being a commentator.

01:10:35.000 Yeah.

01:10:36.000 What would you do for free?

01:10:37.000 For an occupation?

01:10:38.000 What would you do?

01:10:39.000 I still do it for free.

01:10:40.000 I do stand-up for free all the time.

01:10:41.000 I don't think I've ever gotten paid to do stand-up, actually, up to this day.

01:10:45.000 Honestly, I've never picked up one of my $15 tracks from the Comedy Store.

01:10:48.000 I don't pick them up.

01:10:49.000 Tommy picked them up.

01:10:50.000 Yeah, Tommy probably ate them. 1.00

01:10:52.000 That fucking creep. 0.99

01:10:54.000 But I think that, you know, for the first time, and I'm curious when you know you're good, because no comedian comes off stage and is like, Crust it! 1.00

01:11:04.000 The ones that do suck. 0.98

01:11:06.000 You know? 0.96

01:11:07.000 And so I know that my last two specials, I cringe even thinking about them.

01:11:12.000 It's like looking at a photo of yourself in the 80s with what you were wearing.

01:11:15.000 You're just like, ugh, God.

01:11:16.000 This last one is the first time.

01:11:18.000 I wasn't like, this is great.

01:11:20.000 It's the first time I was like, okay.

01:11:22.000 That was...

01:11:23.000 Well, it's so hard because you're so close to it.

01:11:26.000 You're there with it all the time.

01:11:27.000 So none of those jokes are surprising to you.

01:11:29.000 None of those jokes sneak up on you.

01:11:31.000 And that's what comedy is all about.

01:11:33.000 Comedy is all about, like, you have an idea, you start with a premise, and then you say something in that premise.

01:11:40.000 Like, say if you start talking about a clock, and you start doing a bit about a clock.

01:11:45.000 You're doing a bit about a clock.

01:11:46.000 I'm like, okay, we're talking about clocks. 1.00

01:11:47.000 And then you surprise me with some shit. 0.99

01:11:49.000 I'm like, ah! 0.99

01:11:50.000 That's half of what comedy is and that's not available to you because you're saying it.

01:11:54.000 It's a magic trick and we know the trick.

01:11:56.000 You know the trick. 0.98

01:11:56.000 So it's so hard to like and also you're so close to it because you're chipping away at it and the only way to be good is to be like constantly introspective and constantly objective and constantly analytical and it's fucking brutal. 0.98

01:12:09.000 It beats you down.

01:12:10.000 I just know that if, I know that this last one I taped, on tape night, I still kind of giggled at some of the, I still cared, I still gave a shit about what I was talking about, I wasn't phoning it in, I wasn't wrote just saying something I had said 600 times, 0.56

01:12:26.000 I still felt this sense of like, I'm saying something I care about, which to me is all I can ask for.

01:12:32.000 That's the key, right?

01:12:33.000 To be in the moment while you're talking about the subject.

01:12:36.000 Because you write it, you film it a year later.

01:12:37.000 If a year later it's still relevant to you or matters, it's like, okay, that I've succeeded.

01:12:44.000 This is my thought about stand-up, and tell me if you agree.

01:12:47.000 I think that when you're on, like everything's going great, the audience is laughing really loud, you know, it's like everyone's tuned in.

01:12:54.000 I feel like it's a form of hypnosis.

01:12:56.000 Yes.

01:12:58.000 You feel the same way?

01:12:58.000 It's interesting, and I'm actually not bringing this up because of your occupation, but I think stand-up is very much a sport for me.

01:13:06.000 I agree that it's hypnosis, yes.

01:13:08.000 To me, the only things I compare it to are sex and boxing, because you can't be a second ahead, you can't be a second behind.

01:13:16.000 The audience is 50% of it.

01:13:18.000 I can't just do 90%.

01:13:20.000 What I do next depends on what you just did, and it does become a very hypnotic, symphonic thing. 0.97

01:13:26.000 Well, that's why hecklers don't realize what a fucking disaster they are, like how they're fucking things up because you're fucking up the rhythm of the interaction. 0.98

01:13:35.000 Like all of a sudden you have reared your ugly head and now everything has to focus on you and the whole trance has been transformed. 0.99

01:13:44.000 Yes, totally. 0.96

01:13:44.000 And you've truncated this like vibe. 0.96

01:13:46.000 I am not encouraging this because if I talk about this maybe I'll get increased the amount of hecklers I get.

01:13:52.000 I sometimes like hecklers because they keep me awake.

01:13:56.000 You don't fall asleep at the wheel.

01:13:57.000 Sometimes I fall asleep at the wheel.

01:13:59.000 Do you do a lot of sets?

01:14:00.000 Is that what it is?

01:14:01.000 Yeah.

01:14:01.000 When I'm getting ready for a special, I'm like trying to time it out.

01:14:04.000 I'm very embarrassed about this and I have shame around it, but I write it out in the Word document and I'm like a geek.

01:14:11.000 I record every set and I do the same set and time it out and have four new tags I'm going to try.

01:14:16.000 I try one at each show.

01:14:17.000 I'm not a savant that gets up on stage and just writes on stage.

01:14:21.000 I wish I was that person.

01:14:23.000 I wish I could pretend like I just...

01:14:24.000 Why do you wish that though?

01:14:25.000 That's...

01:14:25.000 I feel like there's shame, and maybe this is just like a high school attitude, but in comedy there's still that, you know, the person that gets an F is cool.

01:14:32.000 Like the person who tries the least is the coolest.

01:14:34.000 Oh wow, that's so weird that you think that way.

01:14:36.000 That's because you come from athlete.

01:14:37.000 I feel like people think I'm a nerd because I try so hard. 0.98

01:14:43.000 That's so fucking strange. 0.98

01:14:44.000 That's gotta be a woman thing. 1.00

01:14:46.000 Maybe.

01:14:47.000 A suppression of the ambitious woman thing.

01:14:49.000 Yes.

01:14:49.000 It's gotta be.

01:14:50.000 Because I literally have all my jokes typed out in a Word document.

01:14:53.000 I come to the Comedy Store and just pretend like I'm winging it.

01:14:55.000 I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. 0.99

01:14:57.000 Joey Diaz gives me shit for having a notebook sometimes. 1.00

01:14:59.000 What are you doing with that fucking notebook, dog? 1.00

01:15:01.000 To shame a man for preparing. 1.00

01:15:03.000 That's so like...

01:15:04.000 It doesn't work.

01:15:05.000 Good.

01:15:05.000 Well, that's why you're you and he's him.

01:15:07.000 I write, dude. 1.00

01:15:08.000 I write shit out. 0.99

01:15:09.000 It's one of my favorite things, Attell. 0.99

01:15:10.000 I remember one time, because, you know, Attell has a new hour every six months.

01:15:13.000 Right.

01:15:13.000 And he was, like, writing in his composition book before a show, and I can't remember what comedian came up to him.

01:15:17.000 You know, some middle guy was like, what are you doing?

01:15:20.000 What are you writing joke?

01:15:21.000 Or, what are you doing?

01:15:22.000 And Attell goes, I'm writing jokes.

01:15:23.000 Ever heard of it? 0.99

01:15:24.000 And it was just, you know, not particularly funny, but just so, like, yeah, the greats write shit down. 0.97

01:15:29.000 Did you ever see Greg Giraldo and Dennis Leary going at it on Tough Crowd? 0.98

01:15:35.000 The best!

01:15:36.000 The fucking best. 1.00

01:15:37.000 First of all, Dennis is sitting there like a fucking douche. 1.00

01:15:40.000 In a leather jacket smoking. 1.00

01:15:42.000 With sunglasses on.

01:15:44.000 He's got sunglasses on inside during the filming, right?

01:15:47.000 So good.

01:15:48.000 Everything's going great for him.

01:15:49.000 He's on top of the world.

01:15:50.000 And Geraldo keeps coming up with these funny lines.

01:15:52.000 Brilliant.

01:15:53.000 Yes.

01:15:53.000 And then he goes, so this guy, he's always got lines.

01:15:55.000 He goes, yeah, Dennis, this is a comedy show we write.

01:15:58.000 We write jokes.

01:15:58.000 Comedy writers.

01:15:59.000 Yes.

01:16:00.000 The best. 1.00

01:16:00.000 And then he, you know, he shits. 1.00

01:16:01.000 I'm like, oh, these guys don't even have a TV show. 0.99

01:16:03.000 Where's your show?

01:16:03.000 He goes, I actually had a show, Dennis.

01:16:05.000 It was canceled.

01:16:05.000 We don't have to watch it.

01:16:07.000 Mark Maron made fun of me one time about that too.

01:16:10.000 I was on his podcast and he was like, he's like, you like write jokes.

01:16:14.000 You do like jokes.

01:16:16.000 And I remember being like, I'm so confused.

01:16:19.000 Wait, isn't that what we're doing here?

01:16:22.000 Wait a minute.

01:16:23.000 I think in the alternative community, it's very looked down upon to have like, da-da-da, punchline, set up punchline.

01:16:29.000 He was trying to say that that's a bad thing and you have jokes?

01:16:32.000 I mean, I annoy Mark very much.

01:16:34.000 Why?

01:16:35.000 Just the fact that I, like, have jokes and write jokes and prepare and, like...

01:16:39.000 Come on.

01:16:40.000 There's something...

01:16:40.000 That guy has jokes.

01:16:42.000 He writes jokes.

01:16:42.000 He does, but it's a little more...

01:16:44.000 It feels more unscripted and extemporaneous and, like, an inner monologue.

01:16:51.000 Just he's, you know...

01:16:52.000 Sort of.

01:16:52.000 Naturally funnier or something.

01:16:54.000 And I'm not...

01:16:56.000 I'm not extemporaneously funny.

01:16:58.000 I have to work.

01:17:00.000 I'm a geek.

01:17:00.000 I have to be a geek.

01:17:01.000 I feel like there's benefit in doing both things.

01:17:05.000 I think there's benefit in freeballing and trying to come up with things and improvising and exploring the bits.

01:17:12.000 A lot of times I'll set myself up like I'll dig a hole on stage on purpose.

01:17:17.000 Smart.

01:17:17.000 And then try to fight my way out of the hole.

01:17:20.000 And sometimes I don't.

01:17:21.000 And that opens the door to hecklers for sure.

01:17:23.000 But you gotta deal with that.

01:17:25.000 But in that process, sometimes bits come out.

01:17:29.000 But I also write. 0.99

01:17:30.000 I sit in front of the fucking keyboard all the time. 0.99

01:17:33.000 I sit in front of a notepad all the time. 0.99

01:17:35.000 And I feel like if I don't do that, there are bits that won't emerge.

01:17:38.000 They just won't.

01:17:39.000 Nope.

01:17:40.000 And if I don't write them down, I'll forget them.

01:17:41.000 And I just, I was always, you know, people always, not people always, but whenever people say I'm smart, I get so confused because I got smart because I was not smart enough.

01:17:52.000 I was always in the kid in class asking a million questions and taking a million notes.

01:17:55.000 Like, I worked so hard to overcompensate for the fact that I wasn't smart that that's how I... I think smart's a loaded word, too.

01:18:01.000 It's a very vague, nebulous, it's a nothing word.

01:18:04.000 It's a nothing word.

01:18:06.000 Accumulation of information is not necessarily intelligence.

01:18:09.000 There's some people that will try to equate the two together.

01:18:14.000 And I think you can learn things, you remember things.

01:18:16.000 It doesn't necessarily mean you're smart. 0.99

01:18:17.000 I'm an encyclopedia of shit. 0.99

01:18:19.000 There's a difference between being articulate and you're smart in that way. 1.00

01:18:25.000 I just read a lot of shit and spouting out facts doesn't make you smart. 0.99

01:18:29.000 It's the same thing I do. 1.00

01:18:30.000 I just spout shit out that I remember. 0.99

01:18:32.000 That's what I do. 0.99

01:18:33.000 No, I'm not smart.

01:18:33.000 I'm plagiarizing someone else that I just read.

01:18:36.000 Exactly.

01:18:36.000 I just set a percentage and you think I'm smart.

01:18:39.000 I mean, I'm smart about certain things.

01:18:41.000 Like, if you want to ask me about martial arts, I know a lot about it because I've studied it my whole life.

01:18:45.000 But you're insightful and intuitive and, you know, like an artist when it comes to that kind of stuff.

01:18:52.000 You're brilliant with that stuff.

01:18:53.000 Well, thank you.

01:18:54.000 Because you have, like, you have a sixth sense, you know, that's a magical...

01:18:58.000 It's not a sixth sense.

01:18:59.000 It's just I've been doing it so long.

01:19:00.000 For so long, yeah.

01:19:00.000 It's just data chunking, you know?

01:19:02.000 Well, it's like when people, you know, and not to demystify sort of what we do or pull the current back too much, when people are like, you're so good with hecklers.

01:19:08.000 It's like, well, there's no heckler I haven't encountered.

01:19:11.000 Yeah.

01:19:11.000 Any exchange I have with a heckler I've done 500 times.

01:19:15.000 So a heckler's like, hey, bitch! 1.00

01:19:16.000 And they think it's the first time I've ever heard it. 0.99

01:19:18.000 And I'm like, okay, do you really want to do it?

01:19:20.000 Comedian club comics, there's nothing we haven't encountered.

01:19:23.000 Well, especially if you work the store, because there's no crowd control.

01:19:26.000 Like, you know, like, I've had, there's like so many videos online of me dealing with hackers, and people are like, well, how do you get so good at that? 0.98

01:19:32.000 Fucking work the comedy store! 0.77

01:19:33.000 And you can't even see them, because what people don't understand the comedy store is the way Mitzi lit it, is you, you're blinded by the light, and you, they're completely anonymous. 1.00

01:19:41.000 You can't even go, hey, fucking V-neck, because you don't know what anyone's wearing, because you see a black mask. 0.62

01:19:45.000 Well, there's also this thing that's going on in Hollywood that's very different than anywhere else, where there's a bunch of people that they're not fulfilled. 0.97

01:19:53.000 Like, if you come to Pasadena and you do a set in Pasadena, like, a lot of those people are not actors.

01:19:59.000 They're not in showbiz.

01:20:00.000 You work in Denver.

01:20:01.000 Those are not showbiz people.

01:20:02.000 True.

01:20:03.000 You know, I mean, you occasionally get the non-showbiz heckler...

01:20:06.000 Good point. 0.99

01:20:07.000 But those fucking showbiz failures are some of the most bitter, weird people that you'll ever encounter. 0.99

01:20:13.000 Well, here's the other thing, is I think that a lot of times people that come to comedy clubs, they're the funniest friend in their group. 0.99

01:20:20.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:21.000 Do you know what I mean?

01:20:21.000 You always know when the guy's like, oh, you're the funny guy in the group?

01:20:25.000 You're the funny lawyer?

01:20:27.000 Yeah.

01:20:27.000 You're the funny lawyer, but you're the...

01:20:29.000 But hecklers, for some reason, don't...

01:20:34.000 Piss me off that much.

01:20:35.000 I don't know.

01:20:36.000 Maybe because I'm so sick of my own material that I'm... 1.00

01:20:38.000 An insult is like a respite from my shit. 0.99

01:20:41.000 You are opening the door. 1.00

01:20:41.000 I know. 1.00

01:20:42.000 I really am.

01:20:43.000 But I don't totally mind.

01:20:44.000 Maybe it's because I usually agree with them.

01:20:46.000 Just sometimes.

01:20:47.000 When they yell insults, I'm like, that's a good point.

01:20:50.000 I don't know what it is.

01:20:51.000 There's some hecklers that are good-natured, and sometimes you encounter people that are just trying to have fun, and those people aren't nearly as shitty as the ones you'll encounter that are just rude.

01:21:02.000 I am so desperate, and I'm interested in your thought on this, I am so desperate to figure out how to be present, because I can't do it.

01:21:09.000 It doesn't come natural to me to be present in the moment.

01:21:12.000 Do you meditate?

01:21:12.000 I do.

01:21:12.000 Take yoga?

01:21:13.000 No, I can't do yoga.

01:21:15.000 You can't do it?

01:21:15.000 It's not for me.

01:21:16.000 Why not?

01:21:17.000 My inner monologue is too treacherous.

01:21:19.000 That's the whole idea.

01:21:20.000 You're supposed to beat that down.

01:21:22.000 I'm now doing this meditation practice that's based on John Bowlby's theory of attachment, which is to try to rewire your neural pathways in terms of how we attach to people.

01:21:32.000 And when you grow up in a chaotic environment, your amygdala doesn't develop...

01:21:36.000 The pathways to, I think, is it hippocampus?

01:21:39.000 Tell me if I'm wrong and bloviating.

01:21:42.000 That calms your brain down because you're on such high alert as a kid.

01:21:46.000 I developed an adrenaline addiction so early on that it's so hard for me to calm myself down, which is something I want to mention about smoking.

01:21:52.000 A doctor told me that, not that I was going to, but was saying something about smoking is...

01:21:59.000 The inhaling of smoking, because when you smoke, you take 10 deep breaths, let's say.

01:22:04.000 If you take 10 deep breaths without a cigarette, that's going to calm you down.

01:22:07.000 So sometimes the placebo of smoking is just the inhaling, which I thought was interesting.

01:22:12.000 That makes a lot of sense.

01:22:13.000 If you go outside and just take 10 deep breaths, you're going to feel better, with or without a cigarette.

01:22:17.000 Do you know who Wim Hof is?

01:22:19.000 Yeah, the ice guy that climbed to the top of the...

01:22:21.000 I do his breathing method before every set now.

01:22:24.000 How's that going?

01:22:24.000 It's amazing.

01:22:25.000 Wow!

01:22:25.000 Have you gotten sick?

01:22:26.000 Doesn't he say you can control your immune system with the way you breathe?

01:22:29.000 He says you can.

01:22:29.000 I mean, I haven't gotten sick, but I was feeling sick the other night, but I ate a giant chunk of garlic.

01:22:33.000 My kids are sick.

01:22:34.000 When you have kids, they get sick all the time, and everybody in the house gets sick.

01:22:37.000 My wife has a little bit of a cold. 1.00

01:22:39.000 My middle daughter has a pretty good cold.

01:22:42.000 She's been home from school for a couple days.

01:22:44.000 Oh, no.

01:22:44.000 But I just ate, I was feeling a little scratchy last night, so I ate just chunks of garlic, drank all this kombucha, and went to sleep.

01:22:49.000 I'm fine.

01:22:50.000 But my immune system is on point.

01:22:52.000 I bet that, I mean, I'd be interested in if it changed.

01:22:57.000 It's comedy clubs.

01:22:58.000 I am telling you, I never get sick.

01:23:01.000 But it's also healthy food.

01:23:02.000 I eat really healthy for the most part.

01:23:04.000 I'm like bone marrow.

01:23:05.000 Bone marrow is my new thing.

01:23:06.000 Bone marrow?

01:23:07.000 Game changer.

01:23:08.000 Do you eat elk?

01:23:09.000 I don't.

01:23:10.000 Do you want some?

01:23:10.000 I was waiting for this to come up.

01:23:12.000 I follow you on Instagram, so I'm just worried I'm going to go home with so much fucking meat. 0.99

01:23:17.000 Do you want some? 0.99

01:23:17.000 Do you cook? 0.99

01:23:18.000 You know what?

01:23:18.000 I do, but pretty much bone broth, bone marrow, and eggs are the only meats I do.

01:23:23.000 Wow.

01:23:23.000 Yeah.

01:23:24.000 Bone marrow, bone broth, and eggs. 1.00

01:23:26.000 You're a fucking wolf. 1.00

01:23:28.000 I am a lone wolf. 1.00

01:23:29.000 You're like a wolf in the hen house, eating eggs and cracking bones.

01:23:33.000 I'm Nell.

01:23:33.000 I'm essentially, my ex-boyfriend used to call me Nell.

01:23:36.000 What's Nell?

01:23:37.000 Nell, remember that Jodie Foster movie where she was raised by wolves?

01:23:39.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:23:40.000 Because I got no attention as a kid.

01:23:42.000 What an obscure movie.

01:23:44.000 Because I have no social skills or people skills.

01:23:46.000 That's not true at all.

01:23:47.000 I'm working on it.

01:23:48.000 I'm not socialized.

01:23:49.000 I also have an extra bone in my foot.

01:23:51.000 I'm not fully evolved.

01:23:52.000 Like, I'm still a primate.

01:23:53.000 I swear to God.

01:23:54.000 You have an extra bone in your foot?

01:23:55.000 Like where a thumb should be?

01:23:56.000 Like where, like a webbing, or like, I'm basically, um, have you got your, um, what is it, your saliva test, your DNA test thing?

01:24:03.000 No, I'm scared.

01:24:04.000 23andMeet?

01:24:04.000 You shouldn't.

01:24:05.000 Come on, let me vote.

01:24:06.000 They won't let you vote. 0.81

01:24:07.000 No, they'll find out I'm a monkey.

01:24:08.000 Yeah, if they see.

01:24:09.000 So I am in the, I think, 99th percentile of Neanderthal deviation.

01:24:14.000 Really?

01:24:14.000 Yeah.

01:24:15.000 So you definitely have some Neanderthal in your past.

01:24:17.000 Oh yeah, I'm an animal.

01:24:18.000 I'm a troc...

01:24:19.000 troc...

01:24:20.000 troc...

01:24:21.000 troc...

01:24:22.000 troc...

01:24:23.000 troc...

01:24:25.000 troc...

01:24:27.000 troc...

01:24:30.000 troc...

01:24:32.000 troc I'm like a barnyard vulture.

01:24:35.000 And this is just the way you grew up?

01:24:36.000 Yeah, it's just like scarcity complex.

01:24:38.000 You never knew when food was coming.

01:24:40.000 You never knew when you were going to get attention again.

01:24:41.000 I wasn't socialized.

01:24:43.000 That took me a while to get over.

01:24:44.000 I just learned how to make eye contact like two years ago.

01:24:47.000 I swear to God.

01:24:49.000 I'm not kidding. 0.99

01:24:50.000 The most basic shit, I was like not, I used to look like, okay, so I'm looking at you now. 0.99

01:24:55.000 I used to just look here for eye contact and someone, like I'm looking at the right side of your head. 0.97

01:25:00.000 This guy who worked with Rob Anderson finally one day was like, do you know that you're looking at, like he was like self-conscious about like his hairline.

01:25:06.000 I was like, what are you looking at?

01:25:08.000 I was like, what do you mean?

01:25:08.000 I'm looking in your eyes.

01:25:10.000 He's like, no, you're not.

01:25:11.000 And I asked all my friends, they're like, oh yeah, you always look to like the right of our eyebrow.

01:25:15.000 So you look over there?

01:25:16.000 I would just look over here.

01:25:17.000 Can you tell I'm looking at your eyebrow right now?

01:25:19.000 Or do you think I'm looking in your eyes?

01:25:21.000 I can't.

01:25:22.000 See, I'm so bad at this, I don't know.

01:25:23.000 I'm looking at your right eyebrow right now.

01:25:26.000 Can you tell?

01:25:27.000 Kind of.

01:25:27.000 That's so strange.

01:25:28.000 But here was my question.

01:25:29.000 I was like, is the right eye supposed to look in the right eye and the left eye supposed to look in the left eye?

01:25:33.000 That's a very good point.

01:25:34.000 Or do I look, like, to the center of your nose?

01:25:36.000 I think as long as you're looking at the eyes, it's okay.

01:25:39.000 I think two eyes look at one eye.

01:25:41.000 That's kind of what I'm doing now.

01:25:42.000 You know, some guys, this is always an insecurity with me.

01:25:47.000 Some guys, when they would fight, they would look their opponent in the eye.

01:25:51.000 So aggressive.

01:25:52.000 I never looked them in the eye.

01:25:53.000 So intimate.

01:25:53.000 I always looked in the chin, but I looked peripherally.

01:25:58.000 I looked abstract.

01:26:00.000 I see the whole body.

01:26:01.000 I would always look at people like this.

01:26:02.000 I know that when I am on stage, and if someone's not laughing, or if I'm not connected, I'll look them in the eye.

01:26:10.000 And then that's how you get them. 0.99

01:26:11.000 Listen, bitch. 1.00

01:26:12.000 Be obsequious. 1.00

01:26:13.000 Yeah, that's how you get them.

01:26:14.000 Obsequious.

01:26:15.000 Is that it? 0.99

01:26:16.000 You don't give a fuck with these words. 0.99

01:26:18.000 You're attacking. 1.00

01:26:20.000 But eye contact is like the most aggressive shit you can do. 0.99

01:26:22.000 Think about it. 0.99

01:26:23.000 If you're in Trader Joe's and someone looks you in the eye, you're like, what, you want to fucking go? 0.96

01:26:27.000 I usually say hi. 0.92

01:26:29.000 How is it possible that I'm more aggressive than you, Joe?

01:26:32.000 When people make eye contact with me, I just say hi.

01:26:34.000 Well, because you're famous and you know that's what they're doing.

01:26:36.000 But even if they weren't, I would just say hi.

01:26:37.000 If you were in another country and someone just stared at you in the eyes, and you looked at them and they didn't look away...

01:26:42.000 I would think they're trying to steal my liver.

01:26:44.000 Yeah.

01:26:45.000 Something.

01:26:45.000 Well, the chances are you probably are carrying a liver with the amount of meat you just have on you at all times.

01:26:49.000 I have a liver back there.

01:26:50.000 You have a liver.

01:26:51.000 I have some liver.

01:26:52.000 I have a heart back there.

01:26:53.000 Have you read this book called Source Nutrition or Something Nutrition?

01:26:56.000 It's about how the organs of the animal have more nutrients than the meat.

01:27:00.000 Oh, they definitely do.

01:27:01.000 Wolves always go right to the liver. 0.97

01:27:03.000 That's how they establish the alpha.

01:27:05.000 When they kill something, like kill a caribou, the alpha wolf will eat the liver.

01:27:09.000 Liver first. 0.99

01:27:10.000 It's all about how the human evolution of the brain was largely expedited once we started eating bone marrow because humans couldn't kill their own food in the beginning, so they would rely on eating the leftovers of wolves and lions and shit, and what was left over was always the bones and the shit that They didn't eat,

01:27:28.000 so they started eating the marrow, and then their brains started growing exponentially, and then they were able to start developing tools and hunt their own food.

01:27:35.000 Then they started eating meat again, because they hunted their own food, stopped eating the bones and what they thought was the leftover trash, and then sort of plateaued.

01:27:43.000 It's so fascinating when you think about human beings, because what I've read is that human beings have been in this shape, as far as we know, for roughly 200 plus thousand years, but we've only been talking for 70. Wow.

01:27:57.000 So, like, our ability to communicate was only established about 70,000 years ago.

01:28:04.000 So for the first 130-plus thousand years, there was no talking.

01:28:09.000 Which sometimes talking is...

01:28:13.000 Just confuses people.

01:28:14.000 I feel like we can communicate so much better non-verbally than we can verbally.

01:28:18.000 That's not true at all.

01:28:19.000 I know.

01:28:19.000 I'm being, what's the word?

01:28:22.000 Hyperbolic.

01:28:22.000 Facetious.

01:28:23.000 Yes, yes.

01:28:24.000 I know that I talk too much.

01:28:26.000 I should talk less.

01:28:27.000 But there's always these theories about why the brain is the size that it is.

01:28:31.000 The doubling of the human brain size apparently is the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record of any animal.

01:28:37.000 Fascinating.

01:28:38.000 They don't know.

01:28:38.000 They don't know what it is.

01:28:39.000 There's all these theories about maybe it was the consumption of more protein, but then the problem with that theory is, well, what about mountain lions? 1.00

01:28:47.000 How come they don't have giant fucking brains? 0.99

01:28:48.000 What about, you know, what about bears? 1.00

01:28:50.000 Why don't they have the biggest brains?

01:28:52.000 Then there's the other theories that we developed the throwing arm and that our throwing arm, the ability to throw at something and hit it, it led us to these problem-solving skills, all these different, because we figured out, oh, I can develop a tool now.

01:29:05.000 I can develop a weapon, but that doesn't make any sense either.

01:29:08.000 The most fascinating one is Terence McKenna's, because Terence McKenna's has a theory called the stoned ape theory, and his is based on psilocybin, and he believes that, and the crazy thing about this theory is it coincides with climate change.

01:29:22.000 Because two million years ago, the rainforests, the climate had shifted, rainforests receded into grasslands, and he thinks that these primates came down from trees and started experimenting with different food sources.

01:29:34.000 And one of the things, these undulate animals, cows and the like, they would shit, and then these psilocybin mushrooms would grow on cow patties. 0.98

01:29:40.000 Well, they would flip over these cow patties looking for bugs and worms, because they were always underneath there to eat, but they also had these mushrooms that were growing on the cow patties, and a lot of them were psilocybin mushrooms.

01:29:51.000 And that the psilocybin mushrooms, which were incredibly common in this area, when you eat them in low doses, they increase visual acuity.

01:29:58.000 They make you horny.

01:30:00.000 So that would make a better hunter and more likely to breed.

01:30:03.000 And then in high doses, they have these transcendent psychedelic experiences, and they would allow them to think out of the box, be more creative, come up with the idea.

01:30:13.000 Develop your right side of your brain, yeah.

01:30:15.000 Also, psilocybin has been known to regenerate neurons.

01:30:18.000 There's all these subjects they're doing right now about the properties of psilocybin.

01:30:21.000 Do you recommend this pill?

01:30:23.000 What pill?

01:30:24.000 Some mushroom pill.

01:30:25.000 Sorry, I keep pointing at you.

01:30:26.000 I'm going to stop doing that.

01:30:27.000 It's okay, point.

01:30:30.000 Cordyceps, shroom tech.

01:30:31.000 What's that?

01:30:31.000 Yes.

01:30:32.000 This is alpha brain. 0.80

01:30:33.000 This is not mushrooms.

01:30:35.000 Isn't there one that's...

01:30:35.000 Yes, cordyceps mushroom.

01:30:37.000 But it's not the same one.

01:30:38.000 Shroom tech.

01:30:38.000 Same company.

01:30:39.000 That's my company.

01:30:40.000 But is it the same thing that you're talking about right now?

01:30:41.000 No, no, no.

01:30:42.000 Psilocybin is magic mushrooms.

01:30:44.000 Psychedelic mushrooms.

01:30:45.000 Oh, okay, for real.

01:30:46.000 You don't have any psychedelic experience.

01:30:47.000 Nothing.

01:30:48.000 Yeah.

01:30:49.000 I've done mushrooms.

01:30:50.000 I did LSD. I still have scars on my knuckles.

01:30:54.000 Punched people when you're on acid. 0.96

01:30:57.000 Punched myself. 0.98

01:30:58.000 You boxed a wall.

01:31:00.000 And won.

01:31:01.000 No, I remember the one time I did like acid acid, like the tabs of acid was in Rehoboth Beach, Maryland.

01:31:07.000 Don't be jealous.

01:31:09.000 And we were playing, do you know the card game Asshole?

01:31:12.000 Uh-huh.

01:31:12.000 You know, where you like...

01:31:13.000 We would do when you lost the card deck.

01:31:16.000 You would cut someone's knuckles with the card deck until it bled.

01:31:20.000 I know. 1.00

01:31:20.000 Hardcore white trash shit. 1.00

01:31:22.000 And so I still have little scars on my knuckles from that. 1.00

01:31:25.000 On acid?

01:31:26.000 Yeah.

01:31:26.000 And then I lost my mind.

01:31:27.000 So I never did that again.

01:31:31.000 I go hard.

01:31:31.000 I am a ride or die.

01:31:33.000 And so I never did acid.

01:31:35.000 And then I spent the next like 18 hours being like, this is never going to end.

01:31:38.000 This is never going to end.

01:31:38.000 This is awful.

01:31:39.000 And then I did mushrooms a couple times.

01:31:42.000 That's a let go thing.

01:31:44.000 The thing about psychedelics is the bad trips come from the inability to let go.

01:31:49.000 I had a hard time with it when I first started doing psychedelics as well.

01:31:52.000 It's like you try to battle it.

01:31:54.000 You can't battle it.

01:31:55.000 You have to just succumb to it.

01:31:56.000 You just got to give in.

01:31:57.000 I was 13. I mean, I had no mental ability.

01:32:01.000 I had no recovery.

01:32:01.000 That's crazy.

01:32:02.000 You're 13. Jesus Christ.

01:32:03.000 I feel like if I did it now, I probably could acquiesce a little better.

01:32:07.000 Most likely.

01:32:08.000 Hopefully.

01:32:08.000 Have you ever done isolation tank?

01:32:12.000 No, I did.

01:32:13.000 You know Amangiri in Utah?

01:32:16.000 The Amon?

01:32:16.000 It's like a...

01:32:17.000 I did like a deprivation tank.

01:32:20.000 That's different?

01:32:20.000 Sensory deprivation tank?

01:32:22.000 Yeah.

01:32:22.000 Same thing, different.

01:32:23.000 What is an amangiri?

01:32:25.000 It's like a wellness place and they have a giant sensory deprivation tank where it's like two inches of water and you float in this black bowl.

01:32:35.000 It should be a lot deeper than two inches.

01:32:38.000 Oh, it was two inches.

01:32:39.000 Or maybe it was more than that.

01:32:40.000 Well, in order for your body to float.

01:32:42.000 Whatever, however many is required.

01:32:43.000 She's like 12. Okay, 12. Okay, now you're just saying I'm fat.

01:32:46.000 No, no, I'm saying a person's body.

01:32:48.000 If you're two inches, you're that big. 1.00

01:32:50.000 My ass was smaller then. 1.00

01:32:50.000 Half of your body has to be underwater. 1.00

01:32:52.000 That's a good, whatever it is.

01:32:53.000 And you float.

01:32:54.000 So, obviously, you know, you're dealing with some mass.

01:32:57.000 Yes, yes, yes.

01:32:58.000 And you have to have like 11 inches or so of water.

01:33:01.000 Right.

01:33:01.000 I love how literal you are.

01:33:02.000 You know what you are?

01:33:03.000 You're the guy in a fight.

01:33:05.000 Who you can never win because you just stick to the literal facts.

01:33:08.000 And anyone exaggerating is going to lose. 1.00

01:33:10.000 So I feel like you're the guy who's like, I didn't say you were a bitch. 1.00

01:33:14.000 I said you were being a bitch. 1.00

01:33:16.000 I would never do that. 1.00

01:33:17.000 No?

01:33:18.000 Like, on the form?

01:33:18.000 Like, you're gonna win on a technicality?

01:33:20.000 That seems like a ridiculous way to have an argument.

01:33:22.000 Yeah. 0.63

01:33:22.000 But I find that smart guys... 0.63

01:33:24.000 Like, I was dating this guy who's a doctor, and I could never...

01:33:27.000 I'd be like, well, I mean, it's not like you were there.

01:33:29.000 He's like, I was there at 2.30.

01:33:30.000 I'm like, but you were late.

01:33:31.000 He's like, I was...

01:33:32.000 Like, stuck to the technicalities. 0.99

01:33:34.000 Well, I think truly smart people don't get involved in relationships with people that argue over shit like that. 0.98

01:33:39.000 Interesting. 0.99

01:33:40.000 You got me.

01:33:42.000 You got me.

01:33:43.000 But I'm a comedian, so I don't know if this is chicken or egg.

01:33:46.000 I tend to exaggerate things.

01:33:48.000 I'm like, it was like two inches of water.

01:33:50.000 Makes it funny.

01:33:50.000 Yes.

01:33:51.000 And it screws up my relationships because you lose credibility. 0.93

01:33:56.000 Everything goes back to you fucking up these relationships or these relationships not going well. 0.84

01:34:00.000 Being a comedian, I know. 1.00

01:34:03.000 It's fucked me. 0.99

01:34:03.000 Or maybe it's the crutch I lean on so that I don't have to just take responsibility for my behavior. 0.99

01:34:07.000 I think it's gonna fuck you until you find the right guy, and then it'll be great. 0.99

01:34:10.000 It's not that. 1.00

01:34:11.000 It's the same thing with everybody.

01:34:16.000 Some people have personalities that are more compatible with more people, but your personality, I'm sure, is compatible with somebody.

01:34:22.000 You just gotta find that person who's the right Key to your lock or vice versa.

01:34:29.000 I'm just so impressed by you because you have your career and your personal life are equally successful.

01:34:34.000 It's just fortunate.

01:34:36.000 Very lucky.

01:34:37.000 Very lucky.

01:34:38.000 But I also like think about it a lot.

01:34:41.000 I work on it a lot.

01:34:42.000 You do.

01:34:42.000 Bold things.

01:34:43.000 You know, I think if you are not like comfortable in either or, like I read something today that made me sad.

01:34:49.000 I cried.

01:34:50.000 I cried.

01:34:51.000 I love it.

01:34:52.000 No, don't do that.

01:34:54.000 Praying is strength.

01:34:55.000 Strength and vulnerability.

01:34:56.000 It was about Scott Whelan from Stone Temple Pilots, and it was a story that his wife wrote.

01:35:01.000 The Rolling Stone one?

01:35:02.000 Did you read it?

01:35:02.000 Don't glorify tragedy.

01:35:05.000 Made me so sad.

01:35:06.000 Addiction is nasty.

01:35:07.000 It was not just the addiction, it was the way he treats his kids.

01:35:10.000 Yeah.

01:35:11.000 The way he sort of replaced his children.

01:35:13.000 He had a son and a daughter with the first wife, and then once he got the new wife and he had a new family, he replaced his family.

01:35:21.000 And he just stopped paying attention to his son, stopped paying attention to his daughter.

01:35:24.000 They never went to his new house, and all that was just such a bummer to me.

01:35:28.000 It was such a bummer.

01:35:29.000 Addiction, though, is like...

01:35:30.000 It is.

01:35:31.000 Nasty. 0.94

01:35:32.000 By the way, the kids that didn't live with him were probably better off. 1.00

01:35:34.000 I know that's a fucked up thing to say. 0.98

01:35:36.000 You might be right. 0.99

01:35:37.000 You might be right.

01:35:37.000 Maybe.

01:35:38.000 Being raised in addiction is... 1.00

01:35:40.000 Fucking heroin. 1.00

01:35:40.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:35:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:35:42.000 I look at you. 0.99

01:35:42.000 Heroin is so fucking scary. 0.99

01:35:42.000 Addiction, you can never... 0.99

01:35:44.000 You'll never win.

01:35:46.000 No, you're right.

01:35:48.000 You're right.

01:35:48.000 But I work at it.

01:35:50.000 I think you have to work at it.

01:35:51.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:35:52.000 Especially taking care of kids, it's so fucking important. 0.86

01:35:56.000 Because you were neglected, because I was neglected, I think we have that thing in our head. 0.95

01:36:01.000 And I'm fucking bound and determined to let my kids know that I love them, I care about them, and I spend a lot of time with them. 0.63

01:36:08.000 And I don't talk about it too much. 0.96

01:36:09.000 And it's also not just time.

01:36:10.000 It's, I'm not on my phone.

01:36:12.000 Because I had, I wasn't like alone in a basement.

01:36:15.000 You're ignored.

01:36:15.000 I had people next to me who were not, they were with me, but they weren't hearing me or seeing me.

01:36:21.000 I was invisible, even though people were around me.

01:36:23.000 They weren't interacting with you.

01:36:24.000 Which is sometimes more confusing to a child than just complete absence.

01:36:28.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:36:28.000 Because then I'm going, I'm being rejected on a minute-by-minute basis by someone who's choosing something else over me.

01:36:33.000 So when you, the most tragic thing is when you see the new alcoholism, I think, is, is If kids with their parents, their parents are on their phone right next to them, completely checked out, but right next to them.

01:36:42.000 So you're there, but you're not there.

01:36:44.000 Yeah, that's a really common thing. 0.89

01:36:46.000 But here's what's fucked up, and this is something that I struggle with, and a lot of my friends who have kids struggle with as well.

01:36:53.000 A lot of people become interesting because of adversity they face when they're children. 0.90

01:36:58.000 And then you have children, and the last thing you want is your children to experience adversity. 0.98

01:37:02.000 But the people that you like, all my friends came from fucked up households. 0.99

01:37:06.000 Every single one of them. 0.99

01:37:08.000 Well, the good news is, with bullying, your kids will find it.

01:37:12.000 I'm sure.

01:37:12.000 There'll be plenty of adversity.

01:37:13.000 I hate to break it to you, but there'll be a lot of adversity, I would imagine, that you can't, you know, outside of your sanctuary of your home. 0.99

01:37:20.000 But what I'm saying is they all came from fucked up houses. 0.95

01:37:23.000 But this is all, but there's also no, you tell me, I feel like the last generation was just kind of a wash. 1.00

01:37:29.000 Like, I don't know that many people who had, like, great childhoods just because, like, that generation of men, alcoholism was so rampant in the 50s.

01:37:36.000 I mean, people don't think about the fact that, like, in the 20s, this country had to Outlawed drinking.

01:37:43.000 That's how bad it was.

01:37:44.000 For 10 years...

01:37:44.000 That's not why it happened, though.

01:37:45.000 In the 20s.

01:37:46.000 That's not why it happened.

01:37:47.000 Why did it happen?

01:37:47.000 It happened because they outlawed marijuana.

01:37:50.000 Right, right.

01:37:51.000 But...

01:37:52.000 This is what happened.

01:37:53.000 Okay.

01:37:54.000 What they did was they tried to control the population.

01:37:59.000 And one of the ways they were going to control the population was outlawing drinking.

01:38:02.000 They tried to put a shackle on people because they didn't want people going out in the streets and doing these things, but what they did is they empowered organized crime.

01:38:10.000 And in doing that, what they did was they just made Al Capone rich, and they made all these people rich, and then, once they did that, then they tried to put a stop to other drugs so they can take these people that they used to enforce the alcohol laws, and they enforced other laws.

01:38:25.000 Like, that's when marijuana became illegal.

01:38:27.000 But all of it is just a control issue.

01:38:29.000 It's not that it was necessary.

01:38:30.000 In fact, the best way to keep people from drinking is to let people drink around them, see the disastrous effects, like, this is why you don't, like, you're in all these groups.

01:38:39.000 Why are you in all these groups? 0.99

01:38:40.000 You're in all these groups because you grew up with people that were fucked up. 0.99

01:38:43.000 You know, I never touched coke, and one of the reasons why I never touched coke, because I grew up with cokeheads. 1.00

01:38:47.000 I had cokeheads that were friends of my, one of my good friend's cousin was a cokehead, and I saw it from a bunch of people, and then I had a buddy who died from heroin. 0.74

01:38:56.000 I've never even thought about trying heroin.

01:38:59.000 And also when you tell people they can't do something, they want to do it more.

01:39:02.000 So like in Europe, you know, I mean, there's a lot of alcoholism, but it's not like as bad as it is here because it's like, yeah, go for it.

01:39:08.000 They drink at 14 and they've got it out of their system and they have nothing to prove and there's not like, you know, all this taboo around it.

01:39:14.000 Exactly.

01:39:15.000 I think it was more of a control issue than it was anything.

01:39:18.000 And it all coincided with World War I. And I think, you know, there was a bunch of people that wanted everyone to get back to work and make America strong.

01:39:25.000 Yeah, suck it up and man up. 0.86

01:39:27.000 Stop people from drinking.

01:39:27.000 But you just create slaves.

01:39:29.000 You can't tell people what they can and can't do with their body.

01:39:31.000 You just can't.

01:39:32.000 And you can't.

01:39:33.000 Especially because drinking is fun.

01:39:35.000 I like it.

01:39:36.000 Super fun.

01:39:37.000 And... 0.98

01:39:39.000 And then in the 50s, the fucking Mad Men generation, the three martini lunch, people were just drinking during the day at the office. 0.99

01:39:45.000 It was socially acceptable. 0.98

01:39:46.000 So that was our parents and our parents' parents.

01:39:48.000 We're the first generation, I mean, trying to be good parents that even have the information to be able to be good parents.

01:39:55.000 We have the information on the psychology and the sociology and alcoholism.

01:39:58.000 You're the first parent that's going like, you know what?

01:40:01.000 I'm going to see my kid and let my kid cry.

01:40:04.000 If I have a boy, I'm going to let him say like...

01:40:08.000 I don't feel good and not be like, man up and catch this ball.

01:40:11.000 You know, it's the first generation that I feel like we're really know enough to be able to be good parents.

01:40:17.000 Well, you got to know when to tell them to man up, too, though.

01:40:20.000 Yes, of course.

01:40:20.000 You got to tell them when to walk it off.

01:40:21.000 Yes.

01:40:22.000 You know, like my five-year-old, she'll cry for everything because she knows that crying gets her attention.

01:40:27.000 Yeah.

01:40:27.000 And then I'll go, look, sweetie, if you want a hug, I'm happy to give you a hug.

01:40:30.000 But I know that that didn't hurt.

01:40:31.000 I saw what happened.

01:40:32.000 Yes.

01:40:33.000 There's really nothing.

01:40:33.000 I'm not going to enable victimizing yourself.

01:40:36.000 No, she stopped at my fire.

01:40:38.000 Because she's five, so she still has a lot of extra W's. 0.81

01:40:41.000 Yeah.

01:40:42.000 They put Willie.

01:40:43.000 Everything's Willie.

01:40:44.000 She stepped on my foot. 1.00

01:40:45.000 There's like all this woo, woo, this woo noise.

01:40:48.000 Because they still have like a baby sound.

01:40:50.000 Honey, your daddy's Joe Rogan. 0.99

01:40:51.000 You need to man the fuck up right now. 1.00

01:40:52.000 Suck it up. 1.00

01:40:52.000 You're embarrassing me. 1.00

01:40:53.000 You're going to be fine.

01:40:53.000 You give them love, but you also let them know.

01:40:56.000 But I don't ignore it. 1.00

01:40:57.000 I don't go, hey, stop fucking crying. 0.99

01:40:59.000 Your foot's fine. 0.99

01:41:01.000 You don't say that.

01:41:01.000 I go, look, it's not a big idea.

01:41:03.000 A lot of it's just being heard.

01:41:03.000 You gotta let it go.

01:41:04.000 It's just a sensation.

01:41:05.000 I read this thing.

01:41:07.000 There's this book called The Fantasy Bond about what happens when kids are ignored, neglected, and all that kind of stuff.

01:41:13.000 Kids would rather be physically abused than ignored.

01:41:16.000 Yeah, I've read that.

01:41:17.000 Because at least their existence is being validated, and they don't feel like their life is at stake.

01:41:24.000 I dated this girl, and we broke up, and she dated some guy that hit her.

01:41:29.000 And I've told this story before, but it was very bizarre.

01:41:32.000 It was a long time ago.

01:41:33.000 It was a long time ago.

01:41:34.000 Hit me up. 0.99

01:41:37.000 I was like 17 at the time, but she was telling me that this guy hit her and I was like fuck and she's like, you know, what's fucked up is I like it and I was like, okay, well context easy You don't want him to like hit you because you you know the thing in the dishwasher You want the light slap in bed. 0.99

01:41:54.000 I don't think it was a light slap. 0.99

01:41:56.000 I think there was like some beating up It was weird.

01:41:59.000 But also, was he trained in jiu-jitsu like you?

01:42:02.000 I don't think she'd want you to hit her. 0.95

01:42:03.000 Some random guy who's not a trained fighter. 0.99

01:42:08.000 He's got shitty technique. 0.96

01:42:09.000 He's saying, I'm fine with Tony Hinchcliffe hitting me. 0.99

01:42:12.000 I don't want Joe Rogan hitting me.

01:42:13.000 Don't say that poor Tony's like, what?

01:42:15.000 Oh, show her.

01:42:17.000 I don't want a little vegan Tony Hinchcliffe.

01:42:19.000 He's got off the vegan.

01:42:20.000 Really?

01:42:21.000 He's eating meat now.

01:42:22.000 Okay, we're back.

01:42:23.000 I influenced him.

01:42:24.000 Okay, there you go.

01:42:25.000 Took him to the gym a few times.

01:42:27.000 Okay.

01:42:27.000 So look, you're not going to get this way eating beans.

01:42:29.000 Okay, maybe not him.

01:42:31.000 But yeah, I think it depends on who's doing the hitting.

01:42:34.000 I wasn't even there when he ate meat.

01:42:35.000 He did it last week for the first time.

01:42:37.000 He went to Fogo de Child, you know what that place is?

01:42:39.000 The Brazilian Steakhouse?

01:42:40.000 Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. 1.00

01:42:42.000 Did he skip a smorgasbord of fucking meat? 0.99

01:42:44.000 Do you know my Ari Shafir story? 1.00

01:42:47.000 About when he hazed me?

01:42:48.000 He hazed you?

01:42:49.000 When he hazed me at the Comedy Store?

01:42:50.000 Hazed you?

01:42:50.000 In the beginning when I started at the Comedy Store, I think we told this story on his podcast, or he mentioned it, which is that in the beginning when I got hazed so hard, you were not there to protect me because you had made your mass exodus from the Comedy Store.

01:43:04.000 It was like him and like David Taylor and all these guys used to just fucking kill me.

01:43:10.000 I mean, they would just make my life miserable because I was like, showed up in my backpack and like, you know, hoodie. 0.88

01:43:16.000 And I was like, she was like, I'm going to make it as a comedian.

01:43:19.000 And they were like, we're going to crush your soul.

01:43:20.000 Whoa.

01:43:21.000 And one night, Ari stole my backpack and hid it. 0.86

01:43:25.000 Because I would always come with a backpack, but he didn't know that my credit card had just gotten stolen.

01:43:30.000 And I just got to call for the bank saying, hey, some guy stole your credit card.

01:43:33.000 So he was like, it's probably someone around you who stole your credit card, copied it, etc.

01:43:37.000 And then Ari stole my book bag, put it up in the back bar, like hid it. 1.00

01:43:42.000 And then...

01:43:43.000 I instantly, I couldn't find it, started hysterically crying and made Tommy turn on the house lights in the OR, which have you ever even seen lights on in the OR? Yes, it's weird.

01:43:53.000 It's very weird. 0.98

01:43:54.000 See ghosts in there and shit. 0.99

01:43:55.000 It's like looking at a one night stand in the face. 1.00

01:43:57.000 Yeah, totally.

01:43:58.000 And he didn't admit that it was him for like years until I think like seven years later.

01:44:05.000 Whoa.

01:44:06.000 Because he was so, like, embarrassed or upset or whatever.

01:44:09.000 That's probably not the word.

01:44:10.000 I don't think he's capable of that.

01:44:13.000 Being embarrassed?

01:44:13.000 Those kind of emotions.

01:44:15.000 But he then admitted to me, finally, that was me that stole your backpack.

01:44:19.000 Wow.

01:44:20.000 That's dark.

01:44:21.000 Yeah, that wasn't as good a story.

01:44:23.000 Do you think... 0.99

01:44:25.000 Do you think there is a concerted effort to fuck with women when they start doing stand-up comedy? 1.00

01:44:31.000 Fuck with them emotionally, obviously. 1.00

01:44:34.000 Mentally. 1.00

01:44:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:44:35.000 And I'm grateful for it.

01:44:36.000 I'm glad they did.

01:44:36.000 Really?

01:44:37.000 Yeah.

01:44:37.000 I'm grateful.

01:44:38.000 It made me tougher.

01:44:39.000 You say that.

01:44:40.000 Not a lot of women would say that, right?

01:44:42.000 Look, I know, maybe I'm not being feminist.

01:44:45.000 Oh, that word again. 1.00

01:44:46.000 That fucking word. 1.00

01:44:47.000 That's why I said it with a tinge on it. 1.00

01:44:50.000 So loaded.

01:44:51.000 I, again, because I grew up playing sports, I welcome adversity because I know it makes me stronger.

01:44:56.000 So I don't complain about it.

01:44:58.000 So rare, though.

01:44:58.000 Like, pain, muscle soreness, all that stuff.

01:45:01.000 Like, if I'm not sore after a workout the next day, I'm bummed.

01:45:04.000 Because I know that I didn't work that hard.

01:45:06.000 So adversity at the comedy store and stuff, I knew instinctively you guys are helping me.

01:45:12.000 You don't know you're helping me because you're trying to hurt me, but you're actually making me stronger.

01:45:16.000 And I'm grateful.

01:45:18.000 That's a very unusual attitude though, right?

01:45:21.000 Even for a man or a woman.

01:45:23.000 Yeah.

01:45:23.000 For anybody.

01:45:24.000 I grew up in an environment that was very like, you know, idle hands is a devil's work and if it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right.

01:45:31.000 Yeah.

01:45:33.000 So I'm grateful that I have that mentality because it helps in doing stand-up.

01:45:38.000 So you stop for three months.

01:45:40.000 You've stopped for three months now.

01:45:41.000 Three months, yeah.

01:45:42.000 Do you time it?

01:45:43.000 Do you decide three months?

01:45:44.000 No, I sort of like, I think stand-up for me is very much like a haunting, you know?

01:45:49.000 You get an itch.

01:45:50.000 You sort of like have stuff you have to talk about, and instead of like boring your friends at dinner with it, or you have a podcast, you have other outlets, I wait till I'm like, this is a gross word, but like constipated with like...

01:46:01.000 An obsession of injustice.

01:46:03.000 Like right now, there's nothing that's keeping me up at night that I have to get on stage and yell about.

01:46:08.000 And if I'm not obsessed with it, why would I waste an audience member's time?

01:46:12.000 So when did you do your special?

01:46:15.000 First week of September.

01:46:16.000 Okay.

01:46:17.000 So when do you think you'll start getting that itch?

01:46:21.000 Maybe like a month.

01:46:22.000 I need to go on a couple bad dates and like get pissed on or something.

01:46:28.000 You know, because I just did, I did 50 cities in a year or something and like said so much and now I need to like get that.

01:46:37.000 50 cities?

01:46:38.000 Yeah, I think I did 50 this year. 1.00

01:46:39.000 God damn. 0.99

01:46:39.000 No, and is this like every week or is it like doing several different cities a week? 0.99

01:46:43.000 Uh, yeah, I was doing, like, Friday, Saturday.

01:46:46.000 Like, one city Friday, one city Saturday, sometimes one Sunday.

01:46:49.000 Where'd you film?

01:46:50.000 For, like, Santa Monica. 0.99

01:46:51.000 No shit. 1.00

01:46:52.000 This is such a dorky comedian thing. 1.00

01:46:54.000 My new obsession is to do, and I did my last one in Irvine, my new obsession is to go all around the country to tour, and then when you shoot your special, sleep in your own bed. 0.53

01:47:03.000 Wow.

01:47:03.000 Get your crew, get everybody, and shoot it here.

01:47:07.000 So I shot my last one in Irvine, and then this one in Santa Monica.

01:47:09.000 Where in Santa Monica?

01:47:10.000 The Broad Theater, Santa Monica College.

01:47:14.000 It's a beautiful theater.

01:47:15.000 I want it to feel like a club, 500 seats, gorgeous, looks like a spaceship.

01:47:19.000 You know, because when you shoot in, you know, I loved the one you did in Denver, and I've been obsessed with shooting a special at Comedy Works in Denver.

01:47:26.000 Yeah, it's the best.

01:47:28.000 You did the downtown one.

01:47:29.000 Yeah.

01:47:30.000 I love the other...

01:47:31.000 The other one's great, too.

01:47:32.000 It looks like a...

01:47:32.000 Larimer Square.

01:47:33.000 It's gorgeous.

01:47:33.000 Larimer Square one.

01:47:34.000 Yeah.

01:47:34.000 And I was like, should I do that?

01:47:35.000 But then you're in a hotel, and then you're tired, and you don't have your restaurant.

01:47:40.000 You've got to get up, and you're in a hotel room, and you're like, where's food?

01:47:42.000 And it just throws off your rhythm.

01:47:44.000 Yeah.

01:47:44.000 So my indulgence is to shoot a special and sleep in my bed the night before and the night after.

01:47:50.000 That's fucking smart. 0.99

01:47:51.000 Smart. 0.99

01:47:52.000 It's a good thing to keep you comfortable.

01:47:53.000 See, your last special, the Denver one, you talked about Denver and weed and that got into legalization of weed and all that kind of stuff. 0.98

01:47:59.000 But it's like, for me, it's like, I don't think most people give a shit where you shoot it unless you make it a cornerstone of what you're doing. 0.99

01:48:06.000 So it's like, I'm going to go all the way to Chicago to shoot it. 0.99

01:48:08.000 No one cares that I've schlepped all the way to Chicago, you know?

01:48:13.000 Isn't that in your mind, though?

01:48:14.000 Is it my ego?

01:48:15.000 It's in your mind, I think, no?

01:48:16.000 Yeah, maybe. 1.00

01:48:17.000 I feel like for me, and maybe it's just because I'm a girl and I need my shit and my makeup artist and my fucking hair extensions. 0.99

01:48:23.000 And if I don't sleep eight hours, I look like Steve Buscemi. 1.00

01:48:27.000 I can't fuck around. 0.99

01:48:28.000 So being on the road is just, I think that's where the being the girl comes in. 0.99

01:48:31.000 It just gets a little more complicated.

01:48:32.000 That's funny.

01:48:33.000 Because when people are like, is it harder being a female comedian? 0.99

01:48:35.000 I'm like, literally the difference is I need my shit, my makeup. 0.98

01:48:40.000 I have to check luggage when I travel for one night. 0.95

01:48:44.000 I'm bound and determined to do all my specials from now on in smaller places.

01:48:49.000 Bigger place is all ego.

01:48:50.000 No one cares.

01:48:51.000 Not only that, when you're watching at home, you're sitting in your living room, you're sitting on a couch.

01:48:55.000 It loses all the magic, all the scope.

01:48:58.000 No one cares.

01:48:59.000 And no one's going, oh, look, so-and-so sold 2,000 tickets and Kevin Hart.

01:49:04.000 No one cares.

01:49:05.000 Nobody cares.

01:49:06.000 And I don't even do audience reaction shots anymore.

01:49:08.000 Not either.

01:49:09.000 It's for ego, and then it also dates the special.

01:49:12.000 Because number one, if you can see the audience, it's too brightly lit.

01:49:15.000 Number two, you cut to it and then you see the, like, you know, Ross Perot t-shirt, so you know exactly whatever.

01:49:22.000 Like, you know...

01:49:25.000 Nothing throws me off more than seeing a No Fear t-shirt and I'm like, oh that was shot in 1998. It takes away the timeless classic thing.

01:49:33.000 Yeah, there's definitely some of that. 1.00

01:49:35.000 Some assholes in shorts and you're like, oh god. 0.99

01:49:37.000 I just think that that's a cheap way to cut away. 1.00

01:49:40.000 That they like to cut away. 0.98

01:49:41.000 The director I use was fucking insisting on that. 0.98

01:49:44.000 He wanted to keep the room lit. 0.99

01:49:45.000 We had a fight about it.

01:49:46.000 He even turned the lights up during the first showing. 0.98

01:49:49.000 I was like, why the fuck are the lights on? 0.98

01:49:51.000 We had like a problem with it. 0.97

01:49:52.000 These stand-up specials are so fascinating to me because it's like we get so good at something that's incredibly hard that's very much thought of as one of the hardest things you can do.

01:50:00.000 I mean, how many people can get up on a stage and make a crowd laugh for an hour?

01:50:03.000 How many?

01:50:04.000 How many do you think?

01:50:06.000 Thousand in the world.

01:50:07.000 Thousand in the world?

01:50:07.000 Maybe.

01:50:09.000 Maybe.

01:50:09.000 Really good ones for an hour?

01:50:11.000 Kill it for an hour and might be a thousand in the country. 1.00

01:50:14.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:50:15.000 Maybe.

01:50:16.000 Probably less.

01:50:16.000 I mean, there's more heart surgeons.

01:50:19.000 Well, I think if you really had to be honest, how many do you think are great?

01:50:24.000 How many do you think are really funny?

01:50:26.000 When I have said this- 500?

01:50:27.000 I would say 500. Hmm.

01:50:29.000 I would say 500. 300 million people plus in this country.

01:50:32.000 350 with Mexicans. 0.85

01:50:35.000 I think that's probably right, 500 people.

01:50:38.000 And I mean, how many heart surgeons are there?

01:50:39.000 How many neurosurgeons are there?

01:50:41.000 I don't know.

01:50:41.000 Thank God there's a bunch.

01:50:42.000 Tons, yeah.

01:50:43.000 So it's like, this is such a weird, specialized thing.

01:50:46.000 And then we get so good at something that so few people can get good at, that's so hard.

01:50:50.000 I hope this doesn't come off like egomaniacal.

01:50:53.000 And then all of a sudden you're shooting your special, the taping, and then we change the circumstances entirely.

01:50:58.000 We make it light.

01:50:59.000 We do it at 6 p.m.

01:51:00.000 instead of at 8 p.m.

01:51:01.000 We totally change the rules of the game.

01:51:04.000 Yeah.

01:51:04.000 The one night that it really matters the most.

01:51:06.000 Also, there's, like, boom cameras.

01:51:09.000 Flying around.

01:51:10.000 There's things behind you.

01:51:11.000 So intrusive.

01:51:12.000 Now, wear high heels and wear your hair down. 1.00

01:51:15.000 You've never worn your hair down in stand-up before, but the night that it counts, you're going to wear your hair down and have makeup on.

01:51:20.000 It's just like, so I try to make the night that I shoot the special replicate a normal night at the club as much as possible.

01:51:27.000 That's very smart.

01:51:28.000 Same lighting.

01:51:29.000 Same number of people.

01:51:30.000 It was only like 400 people.

01:51:32.000 You know, no cameras in my face.

01:51:34.000 This, my hair is down, and it was a very big drama that my hair was down, because HBO wanted my hair to be down.

01:51:40.000 I was like, I've never wore my hair down doing stand-up.

01:51:42.000 Why did HBO want your hair to be down?

01:51:44.000 Well, this is actually kind of a funny story.

01:51:45.000 Apparently Chris Rock suggested to them that I put my hair down. 1.00

01:51:49.000 Fuck Chris Rock. 1.00

01:51:50.000 How dare he? 1.00

01:51:50.000 I mean, yeah, what does he know about comedy? 1.00

01:51:52.000 What does he know about your hair?

01:51:53.000 He did a documentary called Good Hair.

01:51:55.000 He's got black guys hair.

01:51:57.000 That's like me telling you not to wear makeup.

01:51:59.000 It's very... 0.99

01:52:00.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:52:00.000 Don't wear lipstick, bitch. 1.00

01:52:02.000 I... I don't wear lipstick. 1.00

01:52:03.000 I could do a comedy for 26 years.

01:52:05.000 Look, I'm a fan of his, and he's...

01:52:08.000 Well, I am as well, but that's it.

01:52:09.000 Smart, and he told HBO that, and then they were like, we want you to wear your hair down, and I was like, you know what?

01:52:13.000 Oh, Jesus. 0.99

01:52:14.000 Did he direct your shit or something? 1.00

01:52:15.000 No. 1.00

01:52:15.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:52:16.000 I know! 1.00

01:52:17.000 He's giving advice on things that he didn't even have...

01:52:19.000 I got a note from Chris Rock on a... 1.00

01:52:19.000 Oh, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:52:20.000 Really? 0.99

01:52:21.000 And I was like, look...

01:52:22.000 I do believe in kind of things that not always my ideas are the best ideas and maybe other people know more than I do, especially people who've been doing comedy for 30 years.

01:52:31.000 So I just decided to do it and...

01:52:35.000 Did you feel weird?

01:52:35.000 I felt very weird.

01:52:37.000 I felt like I was being attacked by, like, a wild animal the entire time.

01:52:41.000 You see me, like, my hair, like, forget, and I'm, like, super tweaked out in the special because my hair's attacking me the whole time.

01:52:48.000 But, yeah, it's like playing a sport with your hair down.

01:52:51.000 That's what it felt like to me. 1.00

01:52:52.000 You get used to shit. 1.00

01:52:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:53.000 Yeah.

01:52:53.000 I can see it.

01:52:54.000 And you've got muscle memory, and all of a sudden I'm fighting it, but anything that throws a curveball at me while I'm performing, I welcome because it keeps me present.

01:53:02.000 Well, especially something that throws a curveball at you while you're doing a special.

01:53:06.000 It's not just performing.

01:53:07.000 You're performing something that's going to be locked down forever. 0.98

01:53:10.000 Yeah, but that's what I think we are best at, having shit thrown at us and us having to deal with it. 0.98

01:53:16.000 Sometimes, for sure. 0.89

01:53:18.000 But sometimes it's not representative of the actual material itself in its best form.

01:53:22.000 Never.

01:53:22.000 You know?

01:53:23.000 Never.

01:53:23.000 Well, I mean, you ideally never do the same show twice.

01:53:26.000 Right.

01:53:27.000 So I think for me, in the first couple, it was all about how do I do the same thing every time, like acting or something.

01:53:32.000 How do I replicate the same thing?

01:53:34.000 And then as I, I think, grow more as a comedian, I'm like, how do I not do the same thing in a perfunctory, phoned-in way every time?

01:53:41.000 Right.

01:53:42.000 How do you have just a real present performance and then also be aware that you're filming this?

01:53:48.000 Yes.

01:53:48.000 How do I, like, nail it, but also, like, be fresh and surprise myself?

01:53:53.000 Isn't that why it's important to do more than one show on a night?

01:53:55.000 I think that's super important.

01:53:56.000 I actually did one show Friday, one show Saturday.

01:53:59.000 That's great.

01:54:00.000 Yeah, it was actually great.

01:54:01.000 I mean, that's the benefit of HBO is they have a little more money, but that was helpful to me because the first show was just working out the kinks with the camera guys so that, you know, you do a great performance and, God forbid, they don't even catch it.

01:54:10.000 Yeah.

01:54:11.000 But you're really trying to catch lightning in a bottle in a special.

01:54:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:54:14.000 I mean, when you do one show, like, do you ever see Bill Hicks' Relentless Live from London?

01:54:20.000 Yeah, I mean, yeah.

01:54:21.000 It's on YouTube.

01:54:22.000 Yeah, it's kind of flat.

01:54:24.000 And one of the reasons why it's kind of flat is he did one show in a theater in London, and it was for HBO. So it's like this one, ready, go.

01:54:34.000 No, no.

01:54:35.000 Jesus Christ.

01:54:35.000 Also, the same thing with multicam.

01:54:37.000 I think a lot of the reason people think multicams suck is that it's like filming a play.

01:54:41.000 Being there, stand-up is meant to be live.

01:54:44.000 If you're watching it on Netflix or if you're watching it on HBO, you're getting it in its second iteration.

01:54:49.000 It's always going to lose 40% of the magic. 0.54

01:54:51.000 I mean, you go see Joe Rogan at the fucking Comedy Works, you're dying at every joke, clapping, fucking slapping your knee, going crazy, and then you watch it, and you're laughing out loud, but it's just a different... 0.97

01:55:04.000 You're not in the flesh in front of me. 0.98

01:55:06.000 Yeah, you're not caught up in the trance.

01:55:08.000 Yes, you're not in that vibe.

01:55:09.000 Same with multicams.

01:55:11.000 We'll shoot an episode of something, and I swear when it's there, it's funny.

01:55:16.000 We're all like, that was so funny.

01:55:18.000 The audience is going crazy.

01:55:19.000 Everyone's laughing.

01:55:19.000 And then you go see it in the editing room, and you're like...

01:55:21.000 It's so much funny if you'd been there.

01:55:23.000 Yeah.

01:55:24.000 It always is.

01:55:25.000 There's something weird about being there while someone's performing.

01:55:28.000 Music, too.

01:55:29.000 You know, you go to, like, really good music, you like really good music, and you listen to it, it's great.

01:55:33.000 But if you go see someone do it live, it's like, oh, man.

01:55:37.000 Magic.

01:55:37.000 It's the magic.

01:55:38.000 I rarely get to see people perform, like, music-wise.

01:55:41.000 I mean, I see a lot of stand-up, but it's so rare that I get to see music.

01:55:44.000 I went and saw Justin Timberlake when I was in Vegas.

01:55:47.000 We're in Vegas a lot of times at the same time.

01:55:49.000 I was in Vegas and after the show I went and saw Justin Timberlake and I was like- After the show?

01:55:55.000 So you did your show?

01:55:56.000 Yeah.

01:55:56.000 Then I went.

01:55:56.000 He does a three hour show by the way.

01:55:58.000 Jesus Christ.

01:55:59.000 He did three hours, was dancing the entire time like Michael Jackson.

01:56:02.000 I had to sit down 45 minutes in of watching his show because my back hurt and he was dancing for three hours. 1.00

01:56:07.000 That motherfucker does not play. 1.00

01:56:09.000 I want to know what he's up to, what he's putting in his joints. 1.00

01:56:11.000 Sucks a lot of cock. 1.00

01:56:14.000 Semen, it really is very tissue regenerating. 1.00

01:56:17.000 In that case, I'd be 12 feet tall. 1.00

01:56:20.000 And so watching him, I was just like, holy fuck. 1.00

01:56:26.000 I was like, he is amazing. 1.00

01:56:28.000 He dazzled me.

01:56:31.000 I was dazzled.

01:56:32.000 And everyone's like, is it news to you that Justin Timberlake is talented?

01:56:34.000 And I was like, no, I'm just used to seeing it on tiny screens.

01:56:37.000 Right.

01:56:38.000 That's the same reason that people can come up to us in airports and go, Joe, what's up, man? 0.99

01:56:41.000 What did you fucking eat for breakfast? 0.98

01:56:43.000 Because we're on small screens. 1.00

01:56:44.000 And then when an actor's on big screens, people are like, oh my God, look over there, that's Brad Pitt.

01:56:48.000 They don't go up to him and ask him what he's eating.

01:56:50.000 Do you ever take a picture of people and you feel them shaking?

01:56:52.000 Yes.

01:56:53.000 How weird is that?

01:56:54.000 Yes, very.

01:56:54.000 Very.

01:56:54.000 You feel their body shaking.

01:56:57.000 It's just so weird to me because I have such career body dysmorphia, but also career dysmorphia, and it's very shocking.

01:57:03.000 I'm always like, she thinks I'm serious.

01:57:05.000 Like, who does she think I am?

01:57:07.000 Well, women, like, a really powerful woman like you, like, women like, oh my god, you're right there. 1.00

01:57:12.000 Like, yeah, I love you.

01:57:13.000 You're my idol.

01:57:13.000 Like, you're what I want to be.

01:57:15.000 Like, a lot of women want to be assertive and powerful, and they just want to feel confident, and they look at you, you're on stage, you're talking about sex, and you're talking about all this crazy shit, and you're saying it in a funny way, and people are laughing, and you have your assertion, and the way you're enunciating is all this clear, 0.99

01:57:32.000 and I can't do that shit! 0.98

01:57:34.000 You know, and it's like they meet, and they're like... 1.00

01:57:36.000 I'm so scared and insecure, I can't not do stand-up.

01:57:39.000 I'm the opposite.

01:57:41.000 I'm so terrified of being invisible and no one's seen.

01:57:44.000 I literally do stand up out of weakness, not out of strength.

01:57:46.000 I do not operate.

01:57:48.000 My motives are completely out of, like, insecurity and fear.

01:57:51.000 That's funny, though, that you talk about it and you admit that, though.

01:57:53.000 That's what makes it really rare.

01:57:54.000 Because most people who would feel those things would just go, like, shut up! 0.96

01:57:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:57:58.000 Put them in the closet. 0.99

01:57:59.000 Get in there! 0.99

01:58:00.000 Good point.

01:58:00.000 I need to...

01:58:01.000 Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. 0.99

01:58:02.000 Like fucking hammer boards on the closet. 0.99

01:58:03.000 I need to work on lying more. 0.99

01:58:05.000 I, to try to impress you today, I put eyeliner or eyebrow pencil on and I feel like it's melting off.

01:58:10.000 To impress me?

01:58:11.000 Not to impress.

01:58:11.000 I'm a big fan of eyebrows.

01:58:13.000 Really?

01:58:14.000 No.

01:58:15.000 I don't even know you have them until you pointed it out. 0.99

01:58:16.000 I've been looking at your tits the entire time. 1.00

01:58:17.000 Until I had to look at the one eyebrow to not look in your eyes to see what that would be like. 0.99

01:58:21.000 I just noticed that you had eyebrows.

01:58:23.000 No eye contact.

01:58:23.000 No, but I mean, eye stand-up for me is completely fear-driven.

01:58:26.000 It's not confidence.

01:58:27.000 Well, no, here's what I'm doing.

01:58:29.000 I'm afraid of...

01:58:31.000 I'm afraid that...

01:58:32.000 I feel like you've never done what you just did before.

01:58:34.000 This?

01:58:35.000 I'm out of.

01:58:36.000 I don't know.

01:58:37.000 I can't remember doing it.

01:58:38.000 Does your wife fill in her eyebrows? 1.00

01:58:39.000 I don't know.

01:58:39.000 I've never asked her.

01:58:40.000 I don't know your wife at all.

01:58:40.000 That's so funny that you don't know that about your wife.

01:58:43.000 I don't ask questions.

01:58:45.000 Yeah, smart.

01:58:46.000 I don't want to know. 0.99

01:58:47.000 I sometimes at night smoke weed and start plucking my eyebrows and then I wake up the next morning and they're just half the size and I'm just like, fuck! 1.00

01:58:55.000 Fuck! 1.00

01:58:55.000 Did I get a new face last night? 1.00

01:58:57.000 So I put the tweezers.

01:58:58.000 I can't smoke weed and have tweezers in the house.

01:59:00.000 And then so like three nights ago, I tweezed like an entire chunk out of my eyebrows so I have to fill it in with an eyebrow pencil.

01:59:07.000 Hashtag feminism! 1.00

01:59:08.000 You should smoke weed and do yoga. 0.67

01:59:10.000 Maybe you would like it then.

01:59:11.000 Here's the problem with me and exercise.

01:59:13.000 I really like to feel, I need to feel some kind of pain and feel like I'm burning so many calories.

01:59:19.000 I don't think of yoga as exercise.

01:59:21.000 There you go.

01:59:22.000 Smart.

01:59:22.000 I think of it as body maintenance.

01:59:24.000 Smart, because of the stretching.

01:59:24.000 And I think of it as a moving meditation.

01:59:26.000 For me, it's really helpful for me mentally, but it's also really helpful for my body, because everything I do is like...

01:59:34.000 Yes, yes.

01:59:34.000 It's all explosion.

01:59:36.000 It's self-care.

01:59:37.000 Yeah, it's fantastic for that.

01:59:39.000 Yeah, giant.

01:59:39.000 Because hypermobile people, which I have, which is that we use our bones instead of our muscles, which is a lot of people.

01:59:46.000 That doesn't make any sense to me.

01:59:47.000 I don't understand what that means.

01:59:48.000 It basically means, like, so I can, like, knock my hip out of, like, I'm just, like, too flexible, basically.

01:59:55.000 Okay.

01:59:56.000 My hips are just, like, I'm just janky.

01:59:58.000 I'm a lemon.

01:59:59.000 You're very flexible.

02:00:00.000 Yeah, I'm very flexible.

02:00:01.000 My hips can pop out of socket.

02:00:03.000 They pop out a socket?

02:00:04.000 Literally?

02:00:05.000 Pop out a socket.

02:00:06.000 And then when I would run and walk, I would walk with my bones, my hips and my knees, instead of my quad muscles.

02:00:14.000 Does that make sense?

02:00:15.000 Well, you know, you would be a good striker.

02:00:16.000 Because it's one of the things that when you're teaching martial arts, one of the things that I would teach people back when I used to teach, is you've got to think about you're using your bones.

02:00:26.000 Don't think about your muscles.

02:00:27.000 Interesting.

02:00:27.000 Think about fighting with your bones.

02:00:29.000 Yes.

02:00:29.000 That's what I do.

02:00:30.000 The way to do it correctly is, like, mechanically, you have to be using your bones.

02:00:36.000 You can't think about using your muscles because then you're like...

02:00:38.000 Yes.

02:00:39.000 Everything becomes circular when you're trying to use your muscles.

02:00:43.000 But when you're trying to use your bones, everything is, like, done correctly.

02:00:47.000 If you do it correctly, it's much more effortless than it seems.

02:00:50.000 Like, if you watch, like, some of the best strikers, they strike in a sort of an effortless way.

02:00:55.000 I mean, there's some guys that do it kinetically and they use a lot of muscle to get the job done.

02:01:00.000 But efficiency, like the best way to do it efficiently, has kind of been mapped out.

02:01:04.000 And the way they do it correctly, it's almost like it seems counterintuitive, but you're using your skeleton.

02:01:10.000 Do you know Martin Snow?

02:01:11.000 No.

02:01:12.000 He's got a gym called Trinity Boxing on Melrose, I think?

02:01:18.000 And he was helping me with the...

02:01:21.000 What are those little things you put in pools that help you float?

02:01:24.000 Floaties? 0.73

02:01:24.000 Oh, those little things? 0.73

02:01:25.000 Yeah, so he would have me punch the floaty things.

02:01:27.000 Yeah, a lot of boxing trainers use those.

02:01:29.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:01:29.000 So that I would...

02:01:30.000 They're good for defense, too.

02:01:31.000 So I would do that, exactly what you're talking about, because I would try to hit two...

02:01:36.000 Oh, use all your muscles.

02:01:37.000 Because I'm too much.

02:01:37.000 I'm a lot.

02:01:38.000 I'm a lot.

02:01:39.000 I'm too much. 0.99

02:01:40.000 But yeah, so I was putting so much pressure on my knees and my hips and my ass. 0.99

02:01:44.000 I had no ass development at all. 0.99

02:01:46.000 Like, I wouldn't use my ass. 0.99

02:01:47.000 I would use my back. 0.99

02:01:48.000 If I was going to lift something, I would use my, like, vertebrae.

02:01:51.000 That's dangerous.

02:01:51.000 Yes.

02:01:52.000 And then what happens is if you dat over time, that's how we get non-collision injuries.

02:01:56.000 When you just, at 55, you sneeze and throw out your back.

02:02:00.000 It's just so much pressure is built up on your bones.

02:02:02.000 Little micro-injuries.

02:02:03.000 You know when people are like, I just sat on the couch and threw out my neck.

02:02:06.000 You know, stuff like that. 0.99

02:02:07.000 I did that once in the fucking, in the shower. 0.99

02:02:10.000 I, like, turn to grab the shampoo or something like that. 1.00

02:02:14.000 Gets you.

02:02:15.000 Yes.

02:02:16.000 Yeah, it just hits you.

02:02:17.000 It's a straw that breaks the camel's back.

02:02:19.000 It didn't make any sense.

02:02:19.000 It's like the straw that breaks the camel's back.

02:02:20.000 And I had to drive to Vegas, and this was a long time ago, and I was in my car driving.

02:02:25.000 I remember I couldn't turn around and look behind me, so when I had to look behind me, I'd literally have to turn my whole body like this to look behind me.

02:02:32.000 So for you, is yoga about stretching?

02:02:34.000 Yeah.

02:02:35.000 And my mind, too.

02:02:36.000 I know.

02:02:37.000 It's about my mind.

02:02:37.000 Because I have the same sort of internal dialogue issues that I'm sure you probably do.

02:02:42.000 Yes, yes.

02:02:42.000 So I just breathe.

02:02:43.000 Dialogue?

02:02:43.000 That means you have two people in there.

02:02:45.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of people in there.

02:02:46.000 Mine's a monologue.

02:02:47.000 No, there's animals in there. 1.00

02:02:49.000 There's fucking plants. 1.00

02:02:51.000 There's all sorts of shit going on there. 1.00

02:02:53.000 Yeah, there's elves. 1.00

02:02:54.000 There's a lot of stuff going on in my head.

02:02:56.000 It's about keeping it together.

02:02:58.000 That's what it's about most of the time.

02:03:00.000 I know that that's the next thing.

02:03:02.000 I have so many prejudices against yoga.

02:03:04.000 You might be the first person.

02:03:05.000 I have yet to meet someone who does yoga who's not batshit crazy.

02:03:08.000 Or annoying. 0.64

02:03:09.000 Or annoying! 1.00

02:03:10.000 Literally, every Whole Foods parking lot is a bunch of people with yoga mats being complete assholes. 0.99

02:03:15.000 Just because you have a yoga mat doesn't mean you're cool. 0.97

02:03:18.000 It's fair that I meet someone who does yoga who abides by the principles of yoga at all.

02:03:23.000 It's hard.

02:03:24.000 You can find them.

02:03:25.000 It's all like anorexic, unemployed people.

02:03:27.000 But it's also where we live.

02:03:28.000 That's true.

02:03:29.000 We live in a place where everybody's trying to reinvent themselves or pretend to be something.

02:03:33.000 Yes.

02:03:33.000 They create this false narrative.

02:03:35.000 That's...

02:03:35.000 That's a giant part of why we're here.

02:03:38.000 We're in this, like, magnet, okay?

02:03:40.000 This Hollywood attention magnet.

02:03:42.000 And all these metal filings, these people that just so desperately want to be special, they come to this place.

02:03:48.000 And if they don't feel like they're special, they go, well, that guy seems special.

02:03:51.000 What's he doing?

02:03:52.000 Well, he's wearing wooden beads and he likes yoga. 1.00

02:03:54.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:03:54.000 That's what I'm doing. 1.00

02:03:56.000 Namaste.

02:03:57.000 I'm doing, you know, I'm eating tofu.

02:03:58.000 I don't even, I don't, you know, no animals were harmed.

02:04:00.000 Yes, it's commodified.

02:04:01.000 It's not.

02:04:02.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:04:02.000 And I also am like at this place, and I don't know where you are on this, I'm like on self-improvement overwhelm.

02:04:07.000 So it's like, by the time I do all the things I need to do to improve myself, it's like 4.30.

02:04:13.000 By the time you go to like therapy and work out and meditate and yoga, it's like I don't even have time to, it's a full-time job to try to take care of yourself.

02:04:21.000 It's definitely a full-time job if you do it right, and that's why it's really hard for people that have full-time jobs to take care of themselves.

02:04:27.000 You find it overwhelming.

02:04:28.000 You get out of shape.

02:04:29.000 You get tired.

02:04:31.000 You can't indulge in hobbies. 1.00

02:04:33.000 If you're a full-time job and you have a family, and God forbid you're behind on your bills, so then you have to work overtime or pick up a second job, and fucking Christ. 0.99

02:04:41.000 It's a luxury to not be crazy. 0.99

02:04:43.000 It is.

02:04:43.000 It's a luxury to not have body trauma and to hurt yourself.

02:04:46.000 It's like, I go to this woman who helps me cry.

02:04:50.000 What?

02:04:51.000 You go to a woman to help you cry? 1.00

02:04:54.000 I'll fucking help you cry. 1.00

02:04:58.000 See, I just figured out what was wrong with me. 0.99

02:05:01.000 I thought that was hot.

02:05:03.000 I just learned everything I need to know about myself.

02:05:07.000 I failed that Rorschach test.

02:05:09.000 Um, she, um, her whole thing is that you, um, you're basically, your body's a blueprint to everything that ever happened to you.

02:05:14.000 And as a kid, all the trauma and emotions that you repressed are like held in your muscles.

02:05:18.000 And because of our bodies react faster than our brains, is that true to something?

02:05:23.000 That if as a kid, if I was abused and I used to do this, I'm flinching for those of you listening, uh, as an adult, if I flinch at something, all of a sudden it's going to signal my hippocampus.

02:05:35.000 The amygdala tells my hippocampus something bad is happening, even if it's not. 0.99

02:05:37.000 Are you overthinking shit? 0.99

02:05:39.000 Is that possible? 1.00

02:05:40.000 Probably.

02:05:41.000 You go to a chick to make you cry? 1.00

02:05:42.000 Probably.

02:05:43.000 Just go for a jog.

02:05:44.000 I never cried until I was like 27. What?

02:05:46.000 I never cried.

02:05:47.000 I never.

02:05:48.000 So I have all this like...

02:05:49.000 It's the bane of my existence.

02:05:50.000 I've always been a crier.

02:05:51.000 No, that's why you're healthy and it's release.

02:05:54.000 Crying is a solution, not a problem. 0.99

02:05:56.000 Yeah, but I don't cry about shit with me though. 0.99

02:05:59.000 That's what's weird. 0.99

02:06:00.000 Shit that happens to me doesn't make me cry. 0.99

02:06:02.000 Interesting. 1.00

02:06:03.000 See what happens to other people.

02:06:04.000 Other people's tragedies and bad, and even sometimes positive things make me cry.

02:06:10.000 That's healthy.

02:06:10.000 I learned that crying is a weakness, and you're not allowed to cry, and if you do cry, you're going to attract attention of dangerous people who are just going to make things worse, so just pretend like everything's fine.

02:06:21.000 Well, I think that whatever crying is, this overwhelming emotion, that is also like horsepower.

02:06:28.000 That overwhelming emotion when it's manifested itself or when it's manifested in a positive way or when you turn it on and use it in some way.

02:06:39.000 As fuel for something else.

02:06:41.000 When someone says to you, this is like your thing, right?

02:06:43.000 That you're a lot.

02:06:45.000 That's what that is.

02:06:46.000 What they're saying is. 0.99

02:06:47.000 I mean, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable because you're insecure, because you have this self-judging thing, what that is is you got a lot of fucking horsepower. 1.00

02:06:55.000 There's a lot of shit going on. 0.95

02:06:57.000 So when you funnel that stuff into something, you can achieve spectacular results in that a lot of people that are like... 0.99

02:07:06.000 They're dull or there's not much going on there.

02:07:11.000 They can't do that.

02:07:12.000 And that's the difference.

02:07:14.000 It will overwhelm you in a negative way. 0.99

02:07:17.000 It'll fucking burn your house down if you don't control it. 0.99

02:07:20.000 But whatever it is, when you focus in on something, you can do some shit that other people can't do. 1.00

02:07:25.000 But then it's this balancing act of trying to keep this fucking tiger under control. 1.00

02:07:31.000 And that tiger is your mind, your emotions, your being, whatever the fuck you are. 1.00

02:07:37.000 And some people just have more of it. 1.00

02:07:39.000 There's some people that are just more.

02:07:41.000 And I wonder if you're, and I'm interested in your take on this, is that I wonder if, because I was very nervous when I decided, okay, I'm going to heal my, I'm going to fix all these invisible wounds, I'm going to fix all this brokenness, of like, will I still be funny?

02:07:54.000 Will I still be ambitious?

02:07:55.000 Oh, I used to have a real problem with that when I was young.

02:07:57.000 What if I get mentally healthy?

02:07:58.000 Will I still be funny?

02:07:59.000 I still need to tap dance for people.

02:08:01.000 When I was in my early 20s, there was always the concept that I would always chase as a martial artist, chase this concept of enlightenment, this unachievable goal of being in complete, total control of your mind, being present at all times, and being just absent of weakness.

02:08:20.000 You fix yourself.

02:08:21.000 You get to this point where you're operating in this pure zen state in competition. 0.77

02:08:25.000 That's what I chased all throughout my youth and all through my teenage years up until I started doing comedy. 0.98

02:08:32.000 And then when I started doing comedy, I was at this weird place where I was like, I shouldn't try to meditate and I shouldn't try to calm myself because I should be kind of fucked up because that's all the great ones, like whether it was Pryor or Kinison, they were all fucked up. 0.99

02:08:47.000 Lenny Bruce, we're all fucked up. 0.97

02:08:48.000 But imagine how great Pryor would have been if he was a little more sober. 0.99

02:08:52.000 Maybe.

02:08:52.000 Or imagine how long, who knows?

02:08:54.000 I don't know.

02:08:54.000 But I was like, okay, I cannot, I mean, I'm killing myself with this.

02:09:01.000 Like, I can't live this way anymore. 0.99

02:09:02.000 And if I'm only doing comedy because I'm fucked up, I probably shouldn't be doing comedy. 0.99

02:09:07.000 Well, that's the crutch that Scott Whelan's wife was talking about. 0.99

02:09:13.000 Glorifying tragedy and glorifying illness.

02:09:15.000 Addiction.

02:09:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:17.000 Especially that fucking drug. 1.00

02:09:19.000 God damn it, I hate that drug. 1.00

02:09:20.000 That's so fucking 90s. 1.00

02:09:22.000 So scary, but it's not. 0.98

02:09:23.000 It's 2015 now because all the people that are addicted to pills.

02:09:26.000 Anthony Bourdain did a show recently about Massachusetts, and one of the things that they were talking about in the Massachusetts show of his show...

02:09:37.000 Parts Unown. 0.98

02:09:40.000 He was talking about these people, they were interviewing, because Anthony had a serious heroin problem when he was younger, and he was talking about all these people that became addicted to heroin because they got on pills, and it was so easy to get, and then they were prescribing them like fucking crazy. 0.64

02:09:56.000 When I got my nose fixed, my doctor prescribed me two different opioids. 0.67

02:10:00.000 Yeah.

02:10:00.000 What?

02:10:01.000 And I didn't take any of it.

02:10:02.000 I was like, my nose doesn't even hurt, man.

02:10:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:10:04.000 It was like mildly uncomfortable once it was done.

02:10:07.000 But they get that addiction and then they change the laws and made it much more difficult to get the pills.

02:10:15.000 And then people got desperate because they were addicted and they needed it.

02:10:17.000 And then they went to heroin.

02:10:18.000 Yeah.

02:10:19.000 And they were talking about this overwhelming heroin issue in Western Massachusetts.

02:10:23.000 I guess a lot of parts of our country.

02:10:25.000 Yeah.

02:10:25.000 I mean, just the more I learn about addiction, the more scared I get because a lot of it is genetic, too.

02:10:31.000 You know, they say genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger for drugs, you know?

02:10:36.000 So I know that's in my genetics.

02:10:39.000 That's a tattoo.

02:10:39.000 Someone has other ribs.

02:10:41.000 Some really hot girl who I met on med dates.

02:10:44.000 Ha! 0.89

02:10:45.000 Ha ha! 0.86

02:10:51.000 How dare you.

02:10:53.000 Because I am an addict.

02:10:54.000 My drug is not substances.

02:10:56.000 My drug is control and work and adrenaline.

02:11:01.000 Because adrenaline is an addictive substance and you can get addicted to adrenaline in utero.

02:11:05.000 If your mother is under stress, it's called epigenetic imprinting.

02:11:10.000 Whatever chemicals that your mother is producing in utero. 1.00

02:11:13.000 So if your mother in utero is producing adrenaline and cortisol, you're going to get addicted to that very young.

02:11:19.000 So I was an adrenaline addict when I was out of the gate.

02:11:23.000 Wow.

02:11:24.000 Michael Irvin was telling me that.

02:11:26.000 Michael Irvin was telling me about the problem with young kids that were raised in really...

02:11:32.000 Yes.

02:11:33.000 Horrible environments, violence and crime.

02:11:35.000 Constantly in fight mode and flight mode.

02:11:37.000 When you're around violence all the time, your body just becomes engineered to handle that from the womb.

02:11:44.000 Yes, and I found that I, and this is sort of what half of what I'm in recovery for, is that I found that I felt very comfortable in dangerous situations and in completely benign situations felt fear.

02:11:55.000 Do you think that's because in dangerous situations, it's like the circumstances are already laid out.

02:12:00.000 Familiar.

02:12:00.000 I know how to handle this.

02:12:02.000 Yeah. 0.96

02:12:02.000 Drug addict, someone being abusive, violent. 0.96

02:12:05.000 This is my comfort zone.

02:12:06.000 This is giving me the adrenaline quota that I need.

02:12:09.000 This is what I'm designed for.

02:12:10.000 I'm in the ring.

02:12:11.000 I only know how to live with my gloves on.

02:12:12.000 When the gloves are off, that's when I get concerned because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

02:12:16.000 And then you're also in your own head and like spiraling out of control.

02:12:19.000 What's wrong with my eyebrows?

02:12:20.000 Hypervigilant.

02:12:21.000 Ha ha ha ha!

02:12:23.000 Hyper-vigilant, you know, and because in my home growing up, silence meant it's the calm before the storm.

02:12:31.000 If things were calm, it meant someone's about to come home drunk, shit's about to hit the fan, so it's very hard for me to relax, which is probably why yoga is hard for me, because it's like, when's the other shoe gonna drop?

02:12:42.000 You know what's interesting?

02:12:44.000 PTSD is a huge problem with soldiers, but I talked to a lot of guys that were Special Forces guys, like Special Ops, whether Rangers or Green Berets or Navy SEALs.

02:12:54.000 They don't have nearly as much of a problem because they're the antagonists.

02:12:58.000 Yes, they create the drama.

02:13:00.000 They're the active guys.

02:13:02.000 They're going out.

02:13:02.000 They're in control.

02:13:03.000 They're going out and they're hunting down people.

02:13:06.000 Whereas the guys who are sitting around waiting to be attacked, those are the ones that are freaking out.

02:13:11.000 Predators versus prey.

02:13:12.000 The ones who are stationed in a place and they're being attacked all the time.

02:13:15.000 Those guys get rattled.

02:13:17.000 I would also be fascinated in the Special Forces.

02:13:19.000 A couple things that interest me about them is that, number one, the ones that have the most PTSD and depression when they come home are the ones that didn't kill anyone because they feel guilt and shame.

02:13:30.000 Really?

02:13:30.000 Yep, that they didn't kill anyone.

02:13:31.000 Really?

02:13:32.000 Yes.

02:13:33.000 There's this, I'll send it to you.

02:13:34.000 I dated a guy who was really into SEALs and made a movie about Navy SEALs and stuff.

02:13:39.000 And then, so they probably, because they're, again, like the perpetrators, like you said, And I would imagine, I'm curious if it's chicken or an egg, the guys that end up being Navy SEALs, if they're, I don't want to say sociopathic, that's being extreme, but like if they became SEALs because they have less,

02:13:55.000 they're less sensitive.

02:13:58.000 You know what I mean?

02:13:58.000 Because the guys that make it aren't always the toughest and the biggest and the strongest and the fastest.

02:14:01.000 It's the most emotionally tough.

02:14:03.000 So if you become a SEAL, are you already predisposed to be less traumatized?

02:14:09.000 Well, that's the case with a lot of fighters as well.

02:14:12.000 There's a lot of really physically talented guys that never make it.

02:14:16.000 They fall apart emotionally, and they fall apart mentally, and they can never achieve greatness.

02:14:22.000 They get real fucking close. 0.98

02:14:24.000 And there's these guys that you would call gym legends, where in the gym, when there's no stakes, it's not difficult, they fucking shine. 0.97

02:14:31.000 They look fantastic.

02:14:32.000 It's like people, actors who are good at auditions.

02:14:34.000 Yeah.

02:14:34.000 Some are, some aren't.

02:14:36.000 Some are good with this weird, inauthentic thing and they have to perform.

02:14:41.000 I mean...

02:14:42.000 Comics who are hilarious in the parking lot and bomb on stage.

02:14:44.000 Yes.

02:14:44.000 Do you think that...

02:14:45.000 Yeah, totally.

02:14:46.000 Do you think that it is a level of...

02:14:49.000 I mean, I've been around...

02:14:51.000 You've been around more athletes than I have, but what I... Having dated a couple athletes, there's this disconnect, this lack of empathy and, dare I say, narcissism that I don't know must work for them.

02:15:04.000 In order to become an elite athlete, I would imagine you have to have a healthy level of narcissism and ego.

02:15:09.000 I think there's probably something in that.

02:15:11.000 I think ego and athletes, it's so hand-in-hand, especially with pro athletes.

02:15:18.000 It's so hand-in-hand that you've got to think, man, there's got to be some sort of a connection there.

02:15:22.000 You have to be delusional on some level, don't you?

02:15:24.000 In a lot of ways, yeah.

02:15:25.000 I'm invincible.

02:15:26.000 But here's where it gets interesting.

02:15:27.000 With fighters, it's not the case. 0.93

02:15:30.000 The best fighters almost have sort of a zen ability to block all that bullshit out. 0.58

02:15:36.000 They have a belief in themselves, But they have a zen ability to block all that shit out, and that's why they're some of the most friendly people. 0.95

02:15:42.000 Some of the best fighters are some of the nicest people. 0.95

02:15:45.000 Anderson Silva is one of the fucking nicest guys you'll ever meet.

02:15:48.000 He's so friendly and sweet. 0.99

02:15:49.000 He's always hugging people and smiling and laughing, and he was a fucking murderer when he was the champ. 0.99

02:15:55.000 He was one of the best ever. 0.98

02:15:57.000 I could go down the list of some of the best guys.

02:15:59.000 Frankie Edgar is one of the best Featherweight's in the world.

02:16:02.000 Used to be lightweight.

02:16:03.000 Just like Sweetheart. 0.98

02:16:04.000 The fucking nicest guy. 1.00

02:16:05.000 He's so nice and he's a fucking assassin inside the octagon. 0.99

02:16:08.000 I knew one boxer person from the, I don't know anything about this field, but my ex had a boxing gym who had, I think it was Canelo. 0.99

02:16:17.000 Canelo Alvarez?

02:16:17.000 And he doesn't watch horror movies or only watches like Will Ferrell, like Sweet.

02:16:23.000 Like, you know, doesn't allow negativity in his brain.

02:16:26.000 That's smart.

02:16:27.000 At all because negativity breeds negativity and paranoia and he doesn't even want to strengthen the part of your brain that even goes there. 0.93

02:16:32.000 You know what fucks with a lot of fighters? 0.79

02:16:34.000 Social media. 0.99

02:16:35.000 I can't even imagine.

02:16:37.000 I can't even imagine. 1.00

02:16:39.000 They go on these message boards and these people calling them pussies and faggots. 1.00

02:16:43.000 But does that work for or against you? 1.00

02:16:44.000 Against them.

02:16:44.000 Could you use that as fuel or do you...

02:16:46.000 Most of them against them.

02:16:47.000 Yeah.

02:16:48.000 Most of them against, because they're dealing with their own fears constantly, so they don't want more.

02:16:52.000 Like, what you are and who you are is in some ways defined by what you believe. 1.00

02:16:59.000 And if you are insecure and then that insecurity gets reinforced by other people calling you a loser, you know, that guy fucking chokes, I'm a choker, shit! 1.00

02:17:07.000 You know, and then you get in there and you're like, fuck, am I a choker? 1.00

02:17:09.000 And that's in your head, yeah, and it's strength in a neural pathway. 1.00

02:17:12.000 I work with this therapist.

02:17:14.000 She's like a trauma therapist.

02:17:15.000 And when I was going through a really bad breakup, I was not allowed to talk.

02:17:19.000 What?!

02:17:21.000 I swear you're gonna like this.

02:17:22.000 You're not allowed to talk?

02:17:23.000 I was not allowed to mention the person for 90 days so that we weaken the neural pathway of even thinking about the person.

02:17:32.000 So you're strengthening...

02:17:33.000 Is that real? 1.00

02:17:33.000 Yeah, you're strengthening neural pathways when you think, like, when you read tweets about you suck and you're an idiot and whatever. 1.00

02:17:39.000 Reconnecting those ideas in your head. 1.00

02:17:40.000 Yes, yeah.

02:17:41.000 And then it's like the same way you quit coffee.

02:17:43.000 It takes 28 days to create a new habit, right?

02:17:46.000 Because that's how long it takes to develop a neural pathway.

02:17:47.000 I thought it was 90. I think it's 28 for a new neural pathway.

02:17:51.000 90 for, I don't know.

02:17:53.000 For habits.

02:17:53.000 You probably know more about this than I do.

02:17:55.000 I think habit, well I don't know.

02:17:57.000 Maybe it depends on the habit.

02:17:57.000 Obviously we're both saying I think.

02:17:59.000 So neither one of us fucking know what we're talking about. 0.97

02:18:02.000 Someone Google it and hit us up. 0.98

02:18:03.000 I think I saw on Twitter.

02:18:04.000 I read.

02:18:06.000 Someone's Facebook.

02:18:07.000 Call Neil deGrasse Tyson.

02:18:08.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:18:09.000 To fact check our podcast.

02:18:10.000 But I know that 28 days is the minimum for rehab because of that.

02:18:15.000 But 90 is really when it really matters.

02:18:17.000 Well, it makes sense that there's pathways for sure because it's one of the hardest things for people to break is habits.

02:18:24.000 And it's also one of the best ways to develop new creative thoughts is to do new things.

02:18:30.000 Take yourself completely out of your habits, out of your environment, out of your comfort zone.

02:18:36.000 This is when I'm trying to write something new, I'll rearrange the furniture in my house.

02:18:42.000 Yeah.

02:18:43.000 That's a great move.

02:18:44.000 It's a new, like the couch is in it, it just gets your brain thinking outside of...

02:18:47.000 I like to go places.

02:18:49.000 Oh, that's smart.

02:18:49.000 I go places, and sometimes I go places, like I'll be in my car, I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna fucking drive somewhere I've never been before, and just get out of my car.

02:18:55.000 I love that.

02:18:56.000 Just go somewhere.

02:18:57.000 I think it's good to just be in a place that you're not used to.

02:19:00.000 To just mix up your brain.

02:19:02.000 You get new perfume.

02:19:03.000 This sounds dorky, but I know that sounds crazy, but new smells, new colors, new everything.

02:19:08.000 So I won't wear black when I write. 0.99

02:19:11.000 I know that's so stupid. 1.00

02:19:12.000 What? 1.00

02:19:12.000 It might just be superstition. 1.00

02:19:14.000 You don't wear black when you write?

02:19:15.000 No, I try to wear colors because it stimulates different parts of your brain.

02:19:18.000 Different colors, music, smells, candles.

02:19:21.000 If I'm starting a new script, I'll have new candles, sage, like stuff that just like stimulates your brain.

02:19:27.000 You know, Benicio Del Toro?

02:19:29.000 I'm interested.

02:19:30.000 I'm listening.

02:19:31.000 Oh, no, not Benicio.

02:19:32.000 Call me.

02:19:32.000 He's the actor.

02:19:33.000 Sorry.

02:19:34.000 Yeah.

02:19:34.000 I was like...

02:19:35.000 I know, that did seem very random. 1.00

02:19:37.000 I fucked up. 0.99

02:19:37.000 Guillermo Del Toro. 0.99

02:19:38.000 Okay, yeah. 1.00

02:19:39.000 So it's a fat, ugly guy. 0.99

02:19:40.000 So don't have the same thoughts. 0.99

02:19:42.000 But he's very creative.

02:19:43.000 And he...

02:19:44.000 Was doing this thing where he took this camera crew and a tour of where he writes.

02:19:51.000 And he's a horror writer. 0.94

02:19:52.000 So his office is filled with all these weird trinkets and objects and statues and books and all this cool shit. 0.82

02:20:01.000 And the reason being is that he has designed this area, this creative space, to sort of stimulate his imagination. 0.74

02:20:08.000 Awesome.

02:20:09.000 Awesome.

02:20:09.000 What do you do when you sit down and write?

02:20:11.000 What's your process?

02:20:12.000 Smokin' the weed! 1.00

02:20:14.000 I get so high I'm scared I'm gonna die!

02:20:17.000 That's what I do.

02:20:19.000 But I write sober, too.

02:20:21.000 But I like to write so high that I feel like I have to get the words out before they slip away.

02:20:27.000 Oh, that's smart.

02:20:28.000 Well, it's like what you do on stage when you dig a hole for yourself.

02:20:31.000 Sort of, but obviously there's not as much pressure when you're writing.

02:20:34.000 But I feel like when I'm writing, I like to get outside of my own comfort, my own control.

02:20:42.000 That's the thing that freaks people out most about pot is the paranoia.

02:20:46.000 What do you do, sativa or indica?

02:20:48.000 I do both, but I like sativa.

02:20:50.000 But do you pick one for hanging versus working?

02:20:54.000 I just like pot.

02:20:56.000 We noticed!

02:20:58.000 Are you investing in a weed thing?

02:21:01.000 There's something going on right now.

02:21:02.000 I'll talk to you about it offstage.

02:21:04.000 Pyramid scheme?

02:21:05.000 No, how dare you?

02:21:06.000 I'm joking.

02:21:08.000 I think there's probably benefits to both, to sativa and indica.

02:21:13.000 Like indica is better for sex. 0.86

02:21:15.000 It's better for food.

02:21:16.000 It's better for relaxing.

02:21:18.000 Sativa is, I think, probably a little bit better for creativity, but sometimes it's not.

02:21:22.000 Sometimes indica is great.

02:21:23.000 They're both good.

02:21:24.000 There's not that much of a difference in the effect.

02:21:27.000 There's differences, but both of them have very similar creative enhancing effects, at least to me.

02:21:34.000 I'm convinced that everybody has a different reaction to it, because I've explained my reaction to marijuana to other people, and they're like, what?

02:21:42.000 And then alcohol, too.

02:21:43.000 But you also have to be as smart as you.

02:21:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:21:46.000 And creative and driven and et cetera, et cetera.

02:21:48.000 Well, I think alcohol, too.

02:21:49.000 Like, I've talked to people that get, like, I know people that get angry and mean on alcohol.

02:21:53.000 Like, they want to go out and get in fights.

02:21:55.000 Do you think that that's who they really are?

02:21:57.000 Maybe.

02:21:58.000 Do you think that, like, the truth comes out when you drink? 1.00

02:22:00.000 Maybe, but I know people that drink and their fucking eyes turn like hamster eyes. 1.00

02:22:04.000 They gloss over. 1.00

02:22:05.000 They're not even there anymore.

02:22:06.000 Something happened to me the day I turned 30 where I could not drink tequila anymore.

02:22:12.000 Really?

02:22:13.000 The day I turned 30, it was like I was having a dinner.

02:22:15.000 It was like a birthday or something.

02:22:16.000 It was at Chateau Marmont.

02:22:18.000 Uh-oh.

02:22:19.000 Someone sent over, someone I kind of knew, sent over tequila, and he was like, I bet you can't do more shots tequila than I can.

02:22:26.000 Was it Bill Cosby?

02:22:26.000 It was Bill Cosby!

02:22:30.000 The day.

02:22:30.000 The day I woke up with my underwear around my neck.

02:22:33.000 I'm so insulted that he didn't try to rape me, but that's another story. 0.72

02:22:37.000 Same thing with Craig Shoemaker. 0.92

02:22:38.000 Everyone's like, oh, did I just hit on you?

02:22:40.000 I'm like, no.

02:22:40.000 And now I feel bad.

02:22:42.000 And so sent over shots, and I'm competitive, so I was like, I will crush you. 0.81

02:22:46.000 Wow.

02:22:47.000 I woke up in my bed fully clothed, looked at my phone, 80 missed text messages, did you go home with John Mayer?

02:22:53.000 And I was like, I'm never drinking tequila again.

02:22:56.000 Wow.

02:22:56.000 80 of them.

02:22:57.000 When you get a did you go home with John Mayer, Is it from a guy or a girl?

02:23:01.000 It was from, oh, tons of guys.

02:23:02.000 It was a whole staff I was working with, so it was like 30 people texting me, you're not going home with John Mayer, we're not going to let you go home.

02:23:09.000 What are you doing?

02:23:10.000 How dare a bunch of cockblockers. 1.00

02:23:11.000 I know. 0.95

02:23:12.000 You're hanging out with a bunch of cockblockers. 1.00

02:23:14.000 That's a good point.

02:23:15.000 That's what I would say.

02:23:15.000 I know.

02:23:16.000 It's not like you're going home with fucking Ted Bundy. 0.99

02:23:17.000 I would do anything for John Mayer to want to date me for two months. 0.99

02:23:20.000 Two months?

02:23:21.000 That's what you look for? 0.98

02:23:22.000 Spit you out, but don't spit on you. 0.94

02:23:23.000 It's a pretty good... 0.94

02:23:24.000 No, spit on me. 1.00

02:23:25.000 Spit you out. 1.00

02:23:26.000 Spit my whole entity out. 0.98

02:23:28.000 The entity.

02:23:29.000 You're putting a lot of it out there.

02:23:31.000 You're looking for, yeah, Seth MacFarlane.

02:23:33.000 Seth MacFarlane.

02:23:34.000 John Mayer.

02:23:35.000 Guillermo del Toro.

02:23:37.000 No, Benicio.

02:23:38.000 Benicio.

02:23:39.000 Benicio, who else?

02:23:40.000 The guy with the ponytail who dates rich girls?

02:23:43.000 You don't want to get the fat Benicio Del Toro from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

02:23:45.000 No, I want to get the Wolfman.

02:23:47.000 Yes, the Wolfman.

02:23:48.000 Did you watch that movie?

02:23:49.000 No, was it good?

02:23:50.000 I watched it a bunch of times.

02:23:51.000 I'm a fan of werewolves.

02:23:52.000 Really?

02:23:52.000 It's a terrible movie.

02:23:53.000 Shitty movie.

02:23:54.000 But I watch in the background sometimes when I write.

02:23:56.000 So you have movies that you have in the background when you write?

02:23:59.000 Sometimes.

02:24:00.000 You have specific go-to movies?

02:24:01.000 Sometimes.

02:24:02.000 Sometimes I like putting images playing in the background and then I don't have the sound on.

02:24:07.000 What about music?

02:24:07.000 Sometimes I have music, sometimes no music.

02:24:09.000 And then do you meditate before or after you write or during?

02:24:12.000 No.

02:24:13.000 No.

02:24:14.000 Sometimes I'm about to go in the tank, like sometimes I'll get high, and I'm thinking I'm going to go in the isolation tank, and then I decide to just start writing, and I can't stop.

02:24:23.000 That's great.

02:24:24.000 I sit down, and the writing just says...

02:24:27.000 It just comes out of you.

02:24:28.000 That's fantastic.

02:24:29.000 I remember...

02:24:30.000 Sometimes. 1.00

02:24:31.000 Sometimes it's a bunch of bullshit. 1.00

02:24:32.000 I go back and read it. 1.00

02:24:33.000 Garbage. 1.00

02:24:33.000 You're like, fucking hell. 1.00

02:24:35.000 Nonsense is this. 1.00

02:24:35.000 I can't do anything with this. 1.00

02:24:36.000 Send this to fucking Carrot Top. 0.99

02:24:39.000 I mean, there are sometimes. 1.00

02:24:40.000 I'm just like, I'm the worst person.

02:24:42.000 But that's how it is.

02:24:43.000 You're mining.

02:24:44.000 You're chipping away at the rock and occasionally you find gold in there.

02:24:48.000 And then something I think Johnny Carson said is that B jokes that we would never do on stage that we write that are like B jokes that don't deserve to be on stage said extemporaneously are A jokes.

02:24:59.000 So you just have this arsenal now of if there's a heckler, like some joke that I wrote that never would make it to stage, if I just do it, quote, seemingly off the cuff, it's all of a sudden an A-joke.

02:25:08.000 There's definitely some of that.

02:25:09.000 Or on a podcast.

02:25:10.000 You're always going to use everything you write.

02:25:13.000 Sometimes, yeah.

02:25:14.000 And then sometimes jokes are like seeds and they give birth to a new idea.

02:25:18.000 Like maybe it'll be just a tagline or a new branch that you follow and that new branch will be better than the original premise in the first place.

02:25:25.000 You're totally right.

02:25:26.000 I have since my first special, I just did my third, and I was trying to write about squirting in the first one.

02:25:34.000 Couldn't get it.

02:25:35.000 Didn't get it.

02:25:36.000 Second one, couldn't get it.

02:25:38.000 Couldn't figure it out.

02:25:39.000 The third one, I have 25 minutes of squirting on my new special.

02:25:42.000 Absolutely.

02:25:43.000 Outstanding.

02:25:44.000 Yes.

02:25:44.000 It hit.

02:25:45.000 It was the right time.

02:25:46.000 It was like getting zeitgeisty in porn.

02:25:48.000 I just had to wait for more to be revealed. 0.94

02:25:51.000 The world is ready for squirting.

02:25:53.000 It was premature.

02:25:53.000 The world is ready for squirting.

02:25:55.000 Do you believe squirting is real?

02:25:57.000 You're going to have to watch my special, guys.

02:25:58.000 Okay.

02:25:59.000 I'll watch your special.

02:26:00.000 I don't want to ask you to...

02:26:00.000 As my gynecologist says, I'm not just being defensive because I can't do it.

02:26:07.000 I mean, I tried to do it myself, and I peed all over myself.

02:26:11.000 But I did.

02:26:12.000 I did it in my bathtub, and I peed all over myself.

02:26:15.000 Well, someone had a good point.

02:26:17.000 I forget who it was.

02:26:18.000 But, like, how is it possible that that didn't exist until, like, a few years ago in porn?

02:26:23.000 It's always...

02:26:23.000 Exactly.

02:26:24.000 Not possible. 0.58

02:26:24.000 You know the women in porn use water balloons and stuff. 0.58

02:26:27.000 The ones that are, like... 0.99

02:26:28.000 And they pee.

02:26:29.000 The Bellagio fountain, that is not real.

02:26:31.000 No, none of it's real.

02:26:32.000 But you can...

02:26:34.000 At least 10% of it is always urine. 0.98

02:26:37.000 You're getting peed on. 0.86

02:26:38.000 At least. 0.98

02:26:38.000 At least 10% is always urine. 0.98

02:26:40.000 You're getting paid on.

02:26:41.000 If you're into that, cool.

02:26:43.000 But yeah, I feel I don't like that there's a lot of these new sexual things that make me feel bad. 0.99

02:26:48.000 And guys watch so much porn and become so desensitized that all of a sudden if I can't squirt water across the room, I'm not good at fucking. 0.99

02:26:56.000 Why do I feel bad? 1.00

02:26:58.000 I'm awesome at this, goddammit. 0.60

02:27:00.000 Why have you made me... 1.00

02:27:02.000 These Asian women are fucking killing me. 1.00

02:27:03.000 Is it Asian? 1.00

02:27:04.000 Asian women are squirting? 1.00

02:27:05.000 I feel like that's sort of where it started and that sort of... 0.95

02:27:07.000 You brought this up twice, the Asian subservient thing.

02:27:10.000 Right.

02:27:11.000 Asian women.

02:27:12.000 Yes.

02:27:12.000 So that's the ultimate, like, quiet.

02:27:15.000 So it's like you view yourself as being like this overbearing sort of force of nature.

02:27:20.000 Loud, white, just Viking lady. 1.00

02:27:23.000 Fucking kicking doors down. 1.00

02:27:24.000 I got extra bones! 1.00

02:27:25.000 Just like Shrek lady.

02:27:26.000 Look at my eyebrows!

02:27:27.000 Yeah.

02:27:27.000 And then the Asian girls are like, what do you need to do?

02:27:30.000 Yes, yes, sir.

02:27:31.000 Yes, Mr. Brogan.

02:27:32.000 I love you, Mr. Brogan.

02:27:34.000 Anything. 1.00

02:27:34.000 You come on my asshole. 1.00

02:27:36.000 Yes, anything you want. 1.00

02:27:38.000 And so, no, I think that a lot of guys, I'm obviously generalizing, but a lot of guys in Hollywood just sort of like dated, married Asian women. 0.99

02:27:49.000 And I was like, God damn it. 0.98

02:27:50.000 I wish I was Asian. 0.99

02:27:51.000 Really?

02:27:51.000 Well, some women have real issues with that.

02:27:54.000 I mean, this girl that I dated, she fucking hated when men would break up with her and then start dating Asian women. 1.00

02:28:00.000 Yeah, because it's like, okay, I have a giant pussy and I'm too loud. 1.00

02:28:04.000 That's what it makes you feel like. 1.00

02:28:05.000 It's like if someone broke up with you and then started dating a black guy, you'd be like, oh, fuck. 1.00

02:28:09.000 You got to deal with it. 1.00

02:28:10.000 That's what it is.

02:28:11.000 Yeah, and you, it's like, you know.

02:28:13.000 That's what you want.

02:28:13.000 But it's not to say that there aren't plenty of sassy Asian women with opinions.

02:28:18.000 I'm sure.

02:28:18.000 That's just the cliche.

02:28:20.000 Yeah, it is the cliche though, the subservient cliche, the mail order bride.

02:28:24.000 Yes, but I know that so many guys that I know are like super into that.

02:28:28.000 Isn't it funny that like a mail order bride is like a serious pejorative, right?

02:28:33.000 That's like...

02:28:34.000 Yes, the Russian mail order bride.

02:28:36.000 Oh, those are dangerous.

02:28:37.000 Really?

02:28:37.000 I think so.

02:28:38.000 Really?

02:28:38.000 Yes.

02:28:39.000 Fooled me once.

02:28:40.000 But just intense environment they grew up in. 1.00

02:28:42.000 Russians in general are pretty fucking dangerous. 1.00

02:28:45.000 But like the mail order bride thing is like, the idea behind it is like negative. 1.00

02:28:50.000 Like, oh, you had to go search for a mail order bride? 0.99

02:28:53.000 If there was mail order husband, I would have done it five years ago.

02:28:55.000 Really?

02:28:56.000 I bet there is.

02:28:56.000 Solve all my problems.

02:28:57.000 I bet there is.

02:28:57.000 You can probably find one.

02:28:58.000 Thank you.

02:28:58.000 It's not going to work.

02:28:59.000 I feel like it's a.net.

02:29:00.000 You know what it is?

02:29:01.000 It's like a chip and nails dancer. 0.98

02:29:02.000 After a while, you're going to find out he's gay. 0.99

02:29:04.000 I think I've dated a gay guy before, too. 0.99

02:29:06.000 He's got a nice six-pack. 0.91

02:29:07.000 Fine.

02:29:08.000 Great. 0.95

02:29:08.000 I would love to date a gay guy. 0.95

02:29:10.000 Do you know Shema Tosh? 0.96

02:29:11.000 Yeah. 0.72

02:29:11.000 Shema has had two ex-husbands that turned out to be gay. 0.72

02:29:15.000 No. 0.98

02:29:16.000 Her latest one turned out to be gay, too. 0.99

02:29:17.000 No! 1.00

02:29:18.000 Gay for pay, too. 0.99

02:29:19.000 No! 0.99

02:29:21.000 She's hilarious when she tells a story. 1.00

02:29:23.000 She's like, what the fuck am I attracting? 1.00

02:29:25.000 Honey. 0.99

02:29:25.000 Like, how am I doing this? 0.99

02:29:27.000 I dated a guy that I'm pretty sure, that everyone told me was gay.

02:29:30.000 I didn't really care that much.

02:29:32.000 Until?

02:29:33.000 Until. 1.00

02:29:34.000 He tasted shit on his nose. 1.00

02:29:35.000 Yeah, he said, bleh! 1.00

02:29:37.000 But he was actually very sexual.

02:29:39.000 I don't know.

02:29:40.000 It's a very fluid time, guys.

02:29:42.000 Yes, it is.

02:29:42.000 He was an athlete.

02:29:43.000 Gender is fluid.

02:29:44.000 The concept of gender is fluid.

02:29:46.000 It's very fluid.

02:29:47.000 I mean, there's a lot of MMA guys who are into that, from what I understand.

02:29:51.000 I think a lot of fighters, and I want to just say MMA guys, some of them have been abused.

02:29:56.000 They come from abusive households, and sometimes that abuse could be sexual abuse.

02:30:00.000 Yes.

02:30:01.000 And it could be sexual abuse, obviously, by men, and that could lead to a lot of confusion.

02:30:05.000 Yes.

02:30:06.000 Sexual confusion.

02:30:07.000 I would think so.

02:30:07.000 Yeah.

02:30:08.000 Well, there's also, like, I talked to this guy, Chris Ryan, Dr. Chris Ryan.

02:30:11.000 He's a good friend of mine.

02:30:13.000 He wrote this book, Sex at Dawn, and he's, like, an expert on sex.

02:30:16.000 And one of the things he was talking about is imprinting. 0.90

02:30:18.000 That sometimes when something happens to you at a very early age, even if you're not gay, that those sexual thoughts get imprinted.

02:30:27.000 Yes.

02:30:27.000 And there's something called cathexis, which was explained to me by Chad Presmak.

02:30:33.000 Do you know him?

02:30:33.000 He's the neurologist guy for the Broncos.

02:30:35.000 No.

02:30:36.000 You would love him.

02:30:37.000 He was explaining this thing called cathexis, which is when something traumatic happens.

02:30:42.000 So if you're jerking off, let's say, and something horrible happens, you have a positive association with it.

02:30:50.000 Plane crashes. 0.98

02:30:50.000 Yes. 0.98

02:30:51.000 Someone was jerking off when 9-11 happened. 1.00

02:30:53.000 Literally, you're fucked. 1.00

02:30:54.000 You just have to watch the Twin Towers. 1.00

02:30:56.000 What are you doing in there, Mike?

02:30:57.000 I have to finish.

02:30:59.000 I can't stop now.

02:31:00.000 It's rebuffering stream.

02:31:04.000 You gotta go back to old black and white footage just to throw it through.

02:31:07.000 Totally.

02:31:07.000 So if you have some sort of thing and you're eating as a child to deal with trauma and something bad's happening and then you're releasing dopamine in your brain and it's associating with something negative.

02:31:16.000 That's a big one.

02:31:17.000 The eating one is a big one with people that have trauma and they soothe themselves with the food.

02:31:23.000 It's instant dopamine.

02:31:25.000 It's the fastest kind.

02:31:25.000 You don't have to go get to a drug dealer.

02:31:27.000 You don't have to fuck someone. 1.00

02:31:28.000 You don't have to get a hooker. 1.00

02:31:29.000 It's the most socially acceptable form of dopamine.

02:31:32.000 And you don't have to deal with people while you're doing it.

02:31:35.000 You can shut the door.

02:31:36.000 In the car.

02:31:37.000 Yeah.

02:31:38.000 Oh, Jack in the Box.

02:31:39.000 I go into grocery stores like I hadn't in a while just because I was working and someone was going to the grocery store for me.

02:31:45.000 And recently I'm like, I'm going to go to the grocery store myself.

02:31:47.000 I'm going to be a human being and I'm a comedian.

02:31:48.000 You don't go to the grocery store for yourself?

02:31:50.000 I do, I do, I do.

02:31:51.000 But you didn't used to?

02:31:51.000 I do.

02:31:52.000 Not like when I was doing a couple things working at a time, no.

02:31:56.000 Really?

02:31:56.000 Just in the last year I started going again.

02:31:58.000 That's hilarious.

02:31:59.000 Why?

02:32:00.000 Do you go to the grocery store?

02:32:01.000 I never have not.

02:32:02.000 Really?

02:32:02.000 Yeah, my whole life.

02:32:04.000 Do you have someone that manages your house?

02:32:08.000 No.

02:32:09.000 You're such a badass.

02:32:10.000 I remember when I wanted to do this documentary, I was doing it with my ex-boyfriend, and then I was like, why am I working with my ex?

02:32:16.000 The State of Play documentary, which they're still doing on Calcio Storco and Fear and all that.

02:32:21.000 But I'm just not running point on it.

02:32:24.000 Why do I bring that?

02:32:25.000 Oh, and I said to you, I was like, hey, so can I have HBO call your assistant?

02:32:29.000 And you were like, I don't have an assistant.

02:32:30.000 I do everything myself. 0.87

02:32:31.000 And I was just like, that's so fucking badass. 0.92

02:32:33.000 Well, it's normal. 0.92

02:32:34.000 It's like a person.

02:32:35.000 It's not badass.

02:32:36.000 It's just normal.

02:32:38.000 Yeah.

02:32:39.000 I think when I get to a point where I need an assistant, I should back off.

02:32:43.000 Interesting.

02:32:44.000 I guess for me, I overextend myself too much, and my luxury is help.

02:32:49.000 I don't buy expensive shoes.

02:32:51.000 I don't, you know, have a super nice...

02:32:54.000 Help is what I... And I don't mean that.

02:32:57.000 That sounds so, like...

02:32:58.000 I know what you're saying.

02:32:59.000 Slave owner-y.

02:32:59.000 No, no, no, no.

02:33:00.000 Employees, yeah.

02:33:01.000 Yeah, or just like an assistant who like helps me, makes my doctor's appointments and just does my schedule.

02:33:06.000 Well, I see people that have like just like a whole industry behind them, like all these people and handlers.

02:33:13.000 Too much, too much.

02:33:13.000 They have bodyguards they take with them on the road and they bring a personal trainer everywhere.

02:33:17.000 No.

02:33:18.000 There's too much input.

02:33:20.000 There's too much data coming at you.

02:33:22.000 And you're being infantilized.

02:33:23.000 Yes.

02:33:24.000 Well, in a way, but you're enabling more productivity because you're sort of farming out all these tasks.

02:33:34.000 But I feel like, for me personally, I value alone time and I value thinking.

02:33:40.000 And the only way to do that is to not have obligations.

02:33:45.000 You have to have less people that you have to communicate with.

02:33:48.000 It's just more people you have to call back.

02:33:49.000 But I think for me, I'm so easily distracted and my perfectionism begets procrastination, which begets paralysis.

02:34:00.000 So if I'm going to go to the grocery store, it's going to take me three hours.

02:34:04.000 If I'm going, and this, and what about this, and this has gluten, and blah, blah, blah.

02:34:08.000 If someone else goes, it takes an hour. 0.99

02:34:10.000 If I go, it's like, and then I'm in this, and then I'm getting a lavender oil, and then this fucking salt, Himalayan salt, fucking light. 0.97

02:34:16.000 See, I put on the headphones, I listen to a podcast, I put my phone in my pocket, I push the cart around, I smile at people, I throw the vegetables in my cart. 0.98

02:34:23.000 I have a good old time. 0.99

02:34:24.000 That's fucking hot. 0.99

02:34:27.000 Everything's hot to you. 1.00

02:34:28.000 You need to get laid. 0.99

02:34:30.000 How dare you. 1.00

02:34:31.000 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.99

02:34:32.000 I gotta go take my kids somewhere. 1.00

02:34:34.000 Yeah, this is ridiculous. 0.84

02:34:35.000 We're at a quarter to five now. 0.74

02:34:37.000 We're gonna wrap this up.

02:34:38.000 We gotta do this more often.

02:34:38.000 Can we do this more often?

02:34:39.000 I would like to.

02:34:40.000 Let's do it.

02:34:41.000 I love you.

02:34:41.000 I love you too.

02:34:42.000 Such a fan.

02:34:43.000 When's your HBO special coming out?

02:34:44.000 January 23rd.

02:34:45.000 January 23rd?

02:34:46.000 Yes.

02:34:46.000 And what's it called?

02:34:48.000 I'm your girlfriend.

02:34:49.000 Oh.

02:34:51.000 All right.

02:34:52.000 Powerful Whitney Cummings.

02:34:53.000 Yeah, I'm not powerful.

02:34:54.000 I'm a mess.

02:34:55.000 I'm a mess.

02:34:56.000 Everybody's powerful.

02:34:57.000 Powerful audience.

02:34:59.000 Thank you, everybody.

02:35:00.000 Love you guys.

02:35:01.000 Take care.

02:35:01.000 Bye-bye.

02:35:02.000 Big kiss.

The Joe Rogan Experience - December 08, 2015

Joe Rogan Experience #732 - Whitney Cummings

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