The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #74 - Allison Sciulla

00:00:00.000 The Joe Rogan Experience

00:00:12.000 The Joe Rogan Experience The next evolution of the podcast is complete, ladies and gentlemen. 0.97

00:00:39.000 It feels like a fucking radio station now. 0.98

00:00:41.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:00:42.000 We got real chairs instead of those goofy couches. 1.00

00:00:44.000 We got rid of that shit. 0.99

00:00:45.000 One of them's at Ari's house. 1.00

00:00:47.000 The other one's in Brian's place.

00:00:48.000 Which, by the way, I think he wants it now.

00:00:53.000 So now I'm like...

00:00:54.000 He wants your chair?

00:00:54.000 Yeah.

00:00:55.000 Why?

00:00:55.000 Because he said, so what'd you do last night?

00:00:57.000 I went over to Joe's, helped him hook up the studio, and he goes, oh, yeah, well, I think I need to get to that chair.

00:01:04.000 Well, it works out because you can't even fit that chair anywhere in your house.

00:01:06.000 Well, I was thinking about doing something like Joe did, pretty much taking out my whole... 0.95

00:01:10.000 My office is just fucking scary. 0.88

00:01:13.000 I can't even go in my office. 1.00

00:01:14.000 It's just too much shit. 0.98

00:01:15.000 So I think I need to just empty the whole thing out. 0.99

00:01:17.000 Redo it.

00:01:18.000 Redo it from scratch.

00:01:19.000 Yeah, I still need to redo this area back here. 0.95

00:01:21.000 By the way, bitches, we are sponsored by the Fleshlight. 1.00

00:01:23.000 Holla at your boys at Fleshlight.com. 0.97

00:01:26.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link, you will get 15% off. 0.99

00:01:31.000 So you get a discount on your masturbation. 0.99

00:01:34.000 Whatever the fuck it costs, whether it's $50 or $60 or $100, it's worth it. 1.00

00:01:39.000 Because think about what a hooker costs, and you could shoot mad loads with this thing. 1.00

00:01:44.000 I don't know, though. 0.88

00:01:45.000 If you've been watching Cops, some of these hookers are like $10. 1.00

00:01:48.000 I mean, they look like $10 hookers, but it's still... 1.00

00:01:53.000 I don't think you want to get a $10 hooker ever in life. 1.00

00:01:56.000 Speaking of $10 hookers, what the fuck did he say? 1.00

00:01:59.000 What are you about to say? 1.00

00:02:00.000 No, how rude.

00:02:01.000 We're here with Allison, ladies and gentlemen.

00:02:03.000 Allison, I don't even know your last name.

00:02:05.000 Allison Shula.

00:02:06.000 Shula, Allison Shula.

00:02:07.000 I know her as Allison Rocks from Twitter, R-O-X, and she's Brian's friend. 0.95

00:02:12.000 She's a young and upcoming stand-up comedian doing the fucking Hollywood shuffle out here making it happen, making it real. 1.00

00:02:20.000 She's a very cool chick and she rides motorcycles. 1.00

00:02:22.000 She's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:02:23.000 She's a lokester. 1.00

00:02:24.000 She's been brought into this world to slap Brian into gear. 0.76

00:02:28.000 Slap him in place.

00:02:30.000 Before we get started with anything entertaining, this weekend Ari and I are going to be at the West Palm Beach Improv.

00:02:38.000 It's the 28th, 29th, and 30th.

00:02:41.000 Oh, Brian's going to be there too.

00:02:42.000 We're going to have a big party.

00:02:44.000 Don't get mad at Brian if he's behind you making faces while you're taking pictures with me.

00:02:49.000 I kind of stopped doing that later.

00:02:50.000 You did stop doing it, but really you've done it for...

00:02:53.000 Six years?

00:02:54.000 Yeah.

00:02:55.000 Six plus years and maybe taken 150,000 pictures?

00:02:59.000 Right.

00:02:59.000 You've really, for real, might have taken 150,000 pictures.

00:03:02.000 Oh, if not more than that.

00:03:02.000 Think about all the UFCs, all the comedy shows for six years, over and over and over again.

00:03:06.000 With that face?

00:03:07.000 Yeah.

00:03:08.000 That crazy bah face. 1.00

00:03:10.000 If you have any of these pictures, where can people send them?

00:03:13.000 We should create a Gmail.

00:03:14.000 We had one on MySpace for a while.

00:03:16.000 Did you end up deleting it?

00:03:18.000 No.

00:03:18.000 I can't.

00:03:19.000 I tried to delete it.

00:03:20.000 They won't let me. 1.00

00:03:21.000 These fucks. 1.00

00:03:21.000 MySpace are so tricky. 1.00

00:03:22.000 They're like, yeah, we'll get back to you with an email.

00:03:24.000 It's like a girl that you can never break up with.

00:03:26.000 I'll call you back, and then we'll break up. 1.00

00:03:28.000 The bitch never calls you back. 1.00

00:03:29.000 You guys should make a tab on your webpage that just has those photos. 0.99

00:03:31.000 Like a photo gallery.

00:03:33.000 Yeah, we should.

00:03:33.000 Totally.

00:03:34.000 No, they're hilarious.

00:03:35.000 Dude, you know what's not funny?

00:03:37.000 Three of them.

00:03:37.000 You know what's funny?

00:03:38.000 300,000 of them.

00:03:40.000 That's when it gets funny. 1.00

00:03:41.000 It becomes hilarious because you just fucking committed to that shit for so long. 1.00

00:03:45.000 I would be like, this guy's a monster. 1.00

00:03:48.000 People give up on shit. 1.00

00:03:49.000 They have a silly idea and then they give up on it. 1.00

00:03:52.000 Brian will fucking ride that boat right into the rocks. 1.00

00:03:55.000 Run into the ground. 1.00

00:03:56.000 He hits the beach.

00:03:57.000 He's still in the boat.

00:03:58.000 Boom! 0.99

00:03:59.000 And has to hit the rocks before he stops.

00:04:02.000 He's a determined little fella.

00:04:04.000 That's awesome.

00:04:04.000 He gets crazy ideas.

00:04:05.000 Well, that's why his videos are so good.

00:04:07.000 Because if he wasn't so determined, he wouldn't keep going.

00:04:11.000 He has all this cool footage and he puts it together, but that's not enough.

00:04:15.000 He always has to add a million different things and sound tweaks.

00:04:19.000 That's good.

00:04:20.000 Very underappreciated.

00:04:21.000 It's like drive.

00:04:22.000 People with motivation.

00:04:23.000 It's really nice when you meet people like that. 0.99

00:04:25.000 We've got to figure out a way to make money off your fucking video skills, dude. 0.99

00:04:28.000 I look at other people's videos online. 0.99

00:04:31.000 I look at your videos. 0.95

00:04:32.000 Dude, you've got some fucking mad talent when it comes to video editing. 0.89

00:04:35.000 The big problem, though, is that when I do it, I do so many layers and so many little things that no one will ever notice. 0.99

00:04:43.000 It's just like in my head, like a crazy person.

00:04:45.000 They do notice.

00:04:48.000 Yeah, I guess.

00:04:49.000 Dude, there's an artistic quality to these videos.

00:04:52.000 It's fun.

00:04:53.000 It's an extra layer.

00:04:55.000 It's like the nuttiness when you're sipping wine.

00:04:58.000 I taste oak.

00:05:00.000 It squeezes the last brain juice out of my brain though. 0.99

00:05:03.000 And after I do one of those, I just want to fucking cry. 0.93

00:05:05.000 You don't want to do one for a long time. 0.96

00:05:07.000 I've been with Brian on both times of where he's kicked the power to his computer and lost his project.

00:05:13.000 Yeah.

00:05:13.000 Because the whole thing shuts down.

00:05:14.000 Because my fucking office sucks. 1.00

00:05:16.000 Because you've got numb feet, motherfucker. 1.00

00:05:18.000 You don't even know where you're walking. 1.00

00:05:19.000 Yeah.

00:05:20.000 Well, yours is actually pretty good, but underneath my desk, it's just every single wire and a power cord.

00:05:26.000 This is updated.

00:05:27.000 This is updated.

00:05:28.000 That's one of the reasons why I wanted to get those cord ties.

00:05:31.000 We redid the whole thing. 0.99

00:05:33.000 You don't give a fuck, because you're just listening, most of you. 0.98

00:05:35.000 But for the longest time, I just figured, well, I'll make it look like a living room, and we'll sit around. 1.00

00:05:41.000 And so I got couches, but couches fucking suck. 0.99

00:05:44.000 If you're sitting up and you're trying to talk to people, these are comfortable. 0.99

00:05:47.000 Yeah, way better.

00:05:48.000 This is way better.

00:05:49.000 So we've got office chairs.

00:05:50.000 Yeah, we've got a circular.

00:05:52.000 Snort cocaine off this table if we want to do that, dude.

00:05:55.000 We should start bad habits.

00:05:56.000 I've been living my life good for too long. 1.00

00:05:58.000 Time to start fucking up. 0.99

00:06:00.000 I don't know about these mic stands, though. 0.98

00:06:01.000 You don't know about them?

00:06:02.000 Yeah, because I kind of want to be able to go like this.

00:06:05.000 Yeah, you know what I think we're going to have to do?

00:06:06.000 We're going to have to get those ones that you have on the radio, like when you go to Opie and Anthony, and you have a mechanical arm.

00:06:11.000 We've got to get an arm.

00:06:12.000 I have those at my house.

00:06:13.000 They always break, but I think I got cheap ones, so maybe they make better ones.

00:06:16.000 Yeah, we've just got to talk to someone when we do radio in West Palm.

00:06:20.000 We'll find out where they buy their arms.

00:06:21.000 Can't wait.

00:06:22.000 We'll hook it up.

00:06:23.000 Let me sleep. 0.97

00:06:24.000 It's going to be fucking crazy. 0.98

00:06:26.000 So, please tell me what you were telling me before we started the podcast where I made you stop because it was so ridiculous. 0.96

00:06:33.000 We had to talk about this on the air.

00:06:35.000 What?

00:06:35.000 John Travolta.

00:06:37.000 Oh, John Travolta is starring in the new Gotti movie.

00:06:40.000 He plays John Gotti as the lead role.

00:06:44.000 Okay, listen.

00:06:45.000 This had to have been a plot by the government.

00:06:48.000 Well, Gotti's dead, right?

00:06:49.000 He died in prison, didn't he?

00:06:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:06:52.000 I was like saying they were just trying to fuck with him. 1.00

00:06:54.000 They're trying to kill him while he's in jail. 1.00

00:06:55.000 Is Sandy the Bold Gravano dead?

00:06:58.000 Is he still alive?

00:06:58.000 I don't know.

00:07:00.000 Dude, I remember when I was a kid and this whole John Gotti thing was going down.

00:07:03.000 I guess I wasn't too kid-like.

00:07:05.000 I guess I was in my 20s when he was in his prime.

00:07:07.000 And it was so weird.

00:07:09.000 I was like, I didn't understand it.

00:07:10.000 It was like he was so mocking of the law enforcement. 0.99

00:07:14.000 Just walking down the street with fucking, you know... 0.99

00:07:16.000 $10,000 suits on and getting in the limousines and it was like, whoa, this guy doesn't... 1.00

00:07:21.000 He's ridiculous. 0.98

00:07:23.000 I watched a documentary on History Channel. 0.99

00:07:25.000 That's not how they're supposed to do it.

00:07:27.000 Interesting.

00:07:27.000 The whole thing about the mob was that they were all on the DL. Like, everybody was staying...

00:07:33.000 Like, Vincent the Chin Gigante. 0.99

00:07:35.000 He's a famous mobster.

00:07:37.000 You know one of the reasons why he's famous?

00:07:38.000 Because he pretended to be...

00:07:40.000 He was running everything, but he pretended to be completely insane.

00:07:43.000 Because he knew they were after him.

00:07:44.000 So he would walk around with slippers on and a bathrobe over his clothes and just walk down the street and talk to himself. 0.99

00:07:49.000 And he would do it all fucking day. 0.98

00:07:51.000 And they kept the police away or people away? 1.00

00:07:53.000 Well, he's crazy. 0.99

00:07:54.000 You can't say he's not crazy. 1.00

00:07:56.000 So everything he says is fucking useless. 1.00

00:07:58.000 This guy's nuts. 1.00

00:07:58.000 Does he or does he not walk down the street in his underwear talking to himself all day long every day? 1.00

00:08:03.000 Yes, Your Honor, he does, but I don't think that...

00:08:07.000 There's no more talking.

00:08:08.000 This guy walks in his underwear.

00:08:09.000 Well, we think he's faking it.

00:08:10.000 How can you prove that everybody's faking it?

00:08:12.000 They just want free food.

00:08:14.000 They don't want free food in a bed. 0.80

00:08:15.000 There's no crazy people.

00:08:16.000 They're just pretending to be crazy so you take care of them.

00:08:18.000 You know, you can't say that. 0.55

00:08:20.000 You can't judge whether or not someone's crazy. 1.00

00:08:21.000 But whoever fucking thought that John Travolta should be John Gotti, that motherfucker's That's crazy. 1.00

00:08:26.000 That's funny, though. 1.00

00:08:27.000 It's revenge from the government.

00:08:28.000 Yeah, that's hilarious.

00:08:29.000 And let's see, who could we make his son?

00:08:31.000 Oh, his son is being cast by the guy, James Franco.

00:08:37.000 Oh, no.

00:08:38.000 James Franco.

00:08:39.000 Yeah, who also has some gaydar action going on on his side.

00:08:43.000 Does he? 0.68

00:08:43.000 Didn't he play a gay guy in that movie? 0.68

00:08:45.000 Harvey Mill.

00:08:46.000 He played it very well.

00:08:47.000 Did he?

00:08:47.000 Well, you know, so did Sean Penn.

00:08:48.000 He's heterosexual.

00:08:49.000 I'm just kidding. 0.61

00:08:50.000 That's just me hating.

00:08:51.000 No, it is you hating, but it is true. 1.00

00:08:53.000 Your DNA repulses you from the idea of kissing men, even if it's for a fucking movie. 0.99

00:08:58.000 You know, it's like, I got good news and bad news. 1.00

00:09:00.000 Oh, okay, hit me with the good news. 1.00

00:09:02.000 Dude, you're going to be a fucking movie star. 1.00

00:09:03.000 Shut up! 1.00

00:09:04.000 For real? 1.00

00:09:05.000 Like a fucking movie? 1.00

00:09:06.000 Like, who am I playing with? 1.00

00:09:07.000 Dude, you're playing with Sean Penn. 1.00

00:09:08.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

00:09:10.000 I'm co-starring with Sean Penn? 1.00

00:09:11.000 Dude, what's up? 1.00

00:09:13.000 Well, what's up is he gets to fuck you in this movie. 1.00

00:09:16.000 What's up is you have to make out with Sean Penn. 1.00

00:09:19.000 Could you imagine?

00:09:19.000 I always wanted to work with Sean Penn.

00:09:20.000 He's just a brilliant actor.

00:09:21.000 I always imagined standing there with him at an award show. 0.99

00:09:25.000 We're both wearing suits and shit. 0.99

00:09:27.000 We thanked the Academy. 0.99

00:09:28.000 We're all respected and loved. 1.00

00:09:29.000 And here this motherfucker is right there at the door, right at the gate. 1.00

00:09:32.000 But now he's going to make out with Sean Penn. 1.00

00:09:35.000 What would you do?

00:09:35.000 I would not do it.

00:09:37.000 You wouldn't?

00:09:37.000 No, I'm not interested in acting.

00:09:39.000 The acting to me, it would have to be something really fun.

00:09:42.000 I would love to play Wolverine in an X-Men movie, if there wasn't any guy that played it.

00:09:47.000 If they offered me something like that, I'd be like, dude, I'd love to be Wolverine.

00:09:50.000 I'd get on roids to play Wolverine.

00:09:52.000 I'd be like, I need to get yoked.

00:09:54.000 That would be a badass Wolverine, by the way.

00:09:56.000 That would be craziness.

00:09:57.000 I would love to do that.

00:09:58.000 Because I've seen you just training to do what?

00:10:00.000 That Wesley Snipes fight that never happened and you became a crazy badass.

00:10:03.000 I can't even imagine throwing Wolverine into the mix.

00:10:06.000 That would have been so much fun.

00:10:07.000 That Wesley Snipes thing obsessed me for like two months.

00:10:09.000 I'm really lucky that that didn't happen. 0.87

00:10:11.000 Because if I went out fighting him and liking it and then 10 years from now I'm just fucking completely gone.

00:10:17.000 I'm just forgetting where I leave my keys every five minutes. 0.94

00:10:21.000 You're not supposed to start fighting when you're like 43. I was 36 then or 37 then.

00:10:27.000 That's what's crazy about this Herschel Walker character.

00:10:29.000 You know Herschel Walker?

00:10:30.000 Football player?

00:10:31.000 You know the story behind this?

00:10:32.000 Swipe this.

00:10:33.000 This guy's 48 years old.

00:10:35.000 Heisman Trophy winner.

00:10:37.000 Super athlete. 0.99

00:10:38.000 Just a fucking prime example of perfect athleticism. 0.99

00:10:43.000 But this was a long time ago. 0.99

00:10:45.000 A long, long, long time ago.

00:10:47.000 And in this whole time where he hasn't been playing football, which has been a few years, he stayed in insane shape.

00:10:53.000 I mean, the guy's like super fucking dedicated to training.

00:10:55.000 And now he's like 48 years old, going to be 49 soon, and he's fighting this weekend on Strikeforce on Showtime. 0.90

00:11:01.000 He's become like an MMA fighter. 0.99

00:11:03.000 It's kind of fucking crazy. 0.97

00:11:04.000 But it's okay because he can still fight and all that, but he's just not going to repair as fast. 0.98

00:11:07.000 If he gets injured.

00:11:07.000 He's in amazing shape.

00:11:09.000 It just doesn't even make sense.

00:11:10.000 There was no 48-year-olds that were built like that when I was a kid.

00:11:14.000 When you were 48, you were someone's dad and maybe had old man strength in your arms, but you probably had a pot belly or at least a little bit of a gut, and you were probably scary because you would hit someone first. 0.98

00:11:25.000 But no one looked like fucking Herschel Walker. 1.00

00:11:28.000 He doesn't look like an old man that you shouldn't fuck with. 1.00

00:11:31.000 What, is he like a Bowflex body or something? 1.00

00:11:32.000 He looks ridiculous. 0.99

00:11:34.000 Full fucking 8-pack, just totally shredded, not an ounce of fat on his body. 1.00

00:11:38.000 Really? 1.00

00:11:39.000 And here's the crazy shit. 1.00

00:11:39.000 He says he only eats soup and salad. 1.00

00:11:42.000 He has one meal a day. 1.00

00:11:43.000 Like, everything about this guy screams that he's a fucking alien. 1.00

00:11:46.000 Or bullshit. 1.00

00:11:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:47.000 He only eats super salad in my ass. 1.00

00:11:49.000 That doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:11:51.000 It's all water-soluble.

00:11:52.000 He'd be dying.

00:11:53.000 He needs some meat.

00:11:54.000 Yeah, well, what is water-soluble?

00:11:55.000 Like, yeah, you would need protein, right?

00:11:57.000 Right through you, yeah.

00:11:58.000 Solid right through you.

00:11:59.000 Soup, it's liquid, you know?

00:12:00.000 Yeah.

00:12:00.000 What's he doing?

00:12:01.000 That's crazy, right?

00:12:02.000 He needs a nutritionist.

00:12:02.000 But why does he say that?

00:12:04.000 Well, here's the other thing about it.

00:12:05.000 Because he wants to pump up his game.

00:12:07.000 That probably. 0.98

00:12:08.000 Well, he's obviously fucking insanely dedicated. 1.00

00:12:10.000 But he might be crazy. 1.00

00:12:12.000 Like, for legit crazy. 0.98

00:12:13.000 But he's had a bunch of mental health issues in the past. 0.79

00:12:17.000 The point where he has more than one personality.

00:12:21.000 What is that?

00:12:22.000 Multiple personality disorder?

00:12:23.000 Yeah, he gets in front of the eye.

00:12:25.000 Yeah, so maybe the part that works out is different than the part that talks, and the part that talks doesn't get access to all the information.

00:12:31.000 I should date this guy.

00:12:32.000 It's right up my alley.

00:12:33.000 It sounds like every chick you've ever dated, period. 1.00

00:12:37.000 It's a funny thing when you find yourself dating a crazy person just to get some pussy. 1.00

00:12:41.000 Every guy's done it, Allison. 1.00

00:12:43.000 I think it goes both ways, though, because I've had my share of crazies.

00:12:45.000 Is it just to have a boyfriend? 1.00

00:12:47.000 Like, fuck it, I just... 1.00

00:12:48.000 No, it's like where they are cool for six months, and then all of a sudden it's like, what happened to you? 1.00

00:12:51.000 They get comfortable with you and know what doesn't freak you out, so then they start being their weird-ass selves.

00:12:56.000 Then you're like, where did the cool person go that I started going with?

00:12:59.000 Right.

00:12:59.000 Well, there is some kind of game when you first start dating where you're trying to be cooler than you are.

00:13:03.000 And it works for a while with them.

00:13:05.000 And then you start farting. 0.56

00:13:06.000 The key in life is to become that person.

00:13:08.000 Become that person who, when you first meet somebody, you can.

00:13:11.000 It's just, we get lazy.

00:13:13.000 You know, you really are that person at your very best. 1.00

00:13:15.000 Unless you're just a complete sociopath and you're absolutely bullshitting about it. 1.00

00:13:18.000 I fucking love dogs. 1.00

00:13:19.000 Meanwhile, you're deathly allergic. 1.00

00:13:21.000 You know, you could be one of those nuts.

00:13:23.000 But if not, you know, that's what everybody should aspire to, right? 0.98

00:13:25.000 You should aspire to be the person that you pretend you are when you're trying to get laid.

00:13:28.000 Yeah, I could have took that creamer in my coffee, but I said, you know, I'm allergic to milk.

00:13:32.000 Why would you take creamer? 0.99

00:13:33.000 Nobody gives a shit if you have a creamer in your coffee or not. 0.98

00:13:35.000 It's actually more of a bold choice if you have no cream. 0.99

00:13:37.000 Whenever someone wants black coffee, I'm like, you don't even give a fuck about flavor. 0.96

00:13:41.000 I started drinking coffee black. 0.97

00:13:44.000 I've been trying to sneak dairy into her diet without her knowing lately.

00:13:48.000 She's allergic to dairy, ladies and gentlemen.

00:13:51.000 She has this thing, she's like, if someone ever farted around me, I would just end that relationship.

00:13:56.000 I wouldn't matter who it would be and stuff like that.

00:13:59.000 So now I'm like, oh yeah? 0.99

00:14:00.000 We can see what happens if you start shitting yourself. 0.99

00:14:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:14:04.000 So what you were trying to do is get her sick because she won't let you fart in front of her? 0.89

00:14:07.000 Right.

00:14:08.000 Wow.

00:14:09.000 What a grown up.

00:14:10.000 By the way, that guy's 36. Is that who just said that?

00:14:12.000 I'm just kidding. 1.00

00:14:12.000 He's a grown ass man. 1.00

00:14:14.000 I'm kidding. 1.00

00:14:14.000 Brian's a grown ass man. 1.00

00:14:16.000 I'm kidding. 0.99

00:14:16.000 I'm in over my head right now. 0.99

00:14:17.000 And he's trying to get you to fart. 0.98

00:14:19.000 I was just acting like that crazy person. 0.96

00:14:21.000 Oh, okay.

00:14:21.000 I don't think they act that logically.

00:14:24.000 Yeah, that's pretty thought out.

00:14:25.000 You had a nice route.

00:14:27.000 That's premeditated. 1.00

00:14:28.000 I'm going to jail for a lot longer from that shit. 1.00

00:14:30.000 You think? 1.00

00:14:31.000 Yeah, you've got to walk around in your underwear and pretend you're crazy. 0.98

00:14:34.000 Milk? 0.98

00:14:34.000 I don't even like milk. 0.98

00:14:35.000 It's illegal. 0.92

00:14:36.000 You have to come up with some reason for people to think you're crazy.

00:14:40.000 No, my mom would ask me, Allison, do you think you're lactose intolerant or is it all in your head? 1.00

00:14:43.000 And I'm like, why the fuck would it be all in my head doing that to myself? 1.00

00:14:47.000 It's people that believe that everything's all in your head. 1.00

00:14:49.000 All allergies can be alleviated with, no, they can't, stupid. 1.00

00:14:53.000 Babies are allergic to peanuts. 1.00

00:14:54.000 They die. 1.00

00:14:56.000 You're not allowed to give babies peanut butter because you have to find out if they're fucking allergic to peanuts. 0.99

00:15:00.000 How do you find out? 0.99

00:15:01.000 I don't know.

00:15:02.000 You've got to find out.

00:15:03.000 Your milk thing happened later in your life, so is there something that broke your milk?

00:15:09.000 Yeah.

00:15:09.000 What was it?

00:15:10.000 You just had five cheese pizzas one night or something?

00:15:12.000 I was 15 years old, and in the lunch line they had these cheese and egg bagels that were so good, so I got one and I ate it, and I was supposed to meet this guy I had a crush on after school, and I'm walking to his house, and halfway through I'm like...

00:15:25.000 I'm like, mom, pick me up.

00:15:27.000 I'm like, stop at that McDonald's.

00:15:30.000 And she's like, what's going on? 0.98

00:15:32.000 I'm like, I don't fucking know. 0.98

00:15:33.000 The next day I tested it out again. 0.98

00:15:35.000 Did you even check to see if the toilet was clean? 0.99

00:15:40.000 I didn't even give a shit. 0.99

00:15:42.000 It was a cleansing, yeah. 1.00

00:15:43.000 It's a fucking dirty thing, man, when you have to take a shit in a public toilet. 1.00

00:15:47.000 Oh, it's terrible. 1.00

00:15:47.000 You're just rubbing sweaty asses with some stranger. 1.00

00:15:50.000 And everybody sweats on those things, man. 1.00

00:15:52.000 Yeah.

00:15:52.000 Seat cover.

00:15:53.000 Those seat covers are stupid, too. 1.00

00:15:55.000 Like when you're done with it and it kind of grabs onto the water and flushes down with it, you know, by that little arm. 1.00

00:16:00.000 And you see shit smeared all over them. 1.00

00:16:02.000 They always look stupid. 1.00

00:16:04.000 It never looks like it's supposed to be that way. 1.00

00:16:06.000 It never looks neat and tidy.

00:16:07.000 No. 1.00

00:16:07.000 So you go in there, blast out of your ass, and then did you not go to this guy's house? 1.00

00:16:11.000 No. 1.00

00:16:12.000 Wow.

00:16:12.000 I never knew what could have happened.

00:16:13.000 You crushed that man's confidence.

00:16:15.000 You could have changed his whole life.

00:16:17.000 We actually wound up dating, though.

00:16:18.000 They're at high school.

00:16:19.000 So that was the thing, though, that pushed it over the edge.

00:16:21.000 That was your last, your first thing.

00:16:24.000 And then ever since then, anything you...

00:16:26.000 Or maybe it was just those...

00:16:27.000 Have you tried just to eat a pizza?

00:16:28.000 Yeah.

00:16:29.000 I could do with, like, lactose enzymes, which is, like, the supplement, like, lactate or something, and eat pizza.

00:16:35.000 But if I have it without, like, five minutes later.

00:16:37.000 So that just gives your body lack.

00:16:38.000 That's interesting.

00:16:39.000 Have you ever tried raw milk?

00:16:40.000 No, I've tried almond milk and all that.

00:16:43.000 Raw milk has...

00:16:44.000 It's not pasteurized or homogenized, so it's got all the live cultures in it.

00:16:48.000 And it's supposed to be much easier to digest.

00:16:50.000 I've had it a bunch of times at Whole Foods, but I don't think they carry it anymore.

00:16:53.000 I'm not sure if they do.

00:16:54.000 I couldn't find it the other day.

00:16:56.000 Because a lot of people think it's creepy. 0.99

00:16:57.000 Because it's just fucking right out of a cow's tit. 0.99

00:17:00.000 And in five days, it's terrible. 1.00

00:17:03.000 The first couple days is good, but it's kind of not healthy that milk just sits in your fucking refrigerator for two weeks and doesn't go bad. 0.99

00:17:10.000 That seems like the worst milk you could ever drink, though. 0.98

00:17:12.000 That seems like the most hardest core milk ever.

00:17:14.000 Okay, I watch Dirty Jobs, you know, on TV. That show's awesome. 0.91

00:17:19.000 Yeah, it is.

00:17:19.000 When they milk the cow, though, a lot of the times they get feces on their hands when they're milking the cow.

00:17:24.000 You can't be scared of a little feces.

00:17:25.000 I think a little feces in your diet keeps you strong.

00:17:27.000 You need to have battles.

00:17:30.000 We need to set your immune system. 0.99

00:17:32.000 You know, like when you get a flu, it's good for your immune system. 0.99

00:17:35.000 Your immune system fires up, and the next time the flu comes around, the immune system is like, not so fast, bitch. 1.00

00:17:40.000 That's why I never get the flu shot. 1.00

00:17:42.000 Get a little poo in your body. 0.75

00:17:43.000 Get a little poo in your body and then you can fight off disease better.

00:17:46.000 We had this podcast last night, the Naughty Show podcast number two. 1.00

00:17:49.000 We had this porn star on and she was talking about how she, right after, she was, I forget what it was, she was getting fucked in the ass or something like that. 1.00

00:18:02.000 Never in life should you ever be in a position to be like, I was getting fucked in the ass or you know, whatever, whatever. 1.00

00:18:10.000 Her name's Kelly Devine. 0.99

00:18:11.000 You should go look at her Twitter page so you can get a better idea of what she looks like.

00:18:15.000 No one's got a crazier Twitter page than Brie Olson. 1.00

00:18:18.000 Brie Olson's Twitter page every day is about, oh my god, my pussy's sore. 1.00

00:18:21.000 I suck so much cock last night. 1.00

00:18:23.000 Every day it's more and more brutal. 1.00

00:18:26.000 Jeez.

00:18:27.000 What's crazy? 1.00

00:18:27.000 I fuck so much that a guy with a two-inch dick would make me feel like a fucking ten-incher. 1.00

00:18:32.000 She says shit like that. 1.00

00:18:33.000 Is that like her tweets? 1.00

00:18:34.000 What's crazy is, though, after he pulled out his dick... 1.00

00:18:38.000 Is that a real ass? 1.00

00:18:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:39.000 After he pulled out his dick out of her ass, he puts it in her mouth, and she said it was just caked with shit. 1.00

00:18:45.000 Just so much shit that she... 1.00

00:18:48.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:18:49.000 And then he fucked her in the mouth, and then in between shoots, she had to go to the bathroom, and she said she spent for like 15 minutes picking shit out from her teeth. 1.00

00:18:56.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:18:57.000 And she didn't have any toothpicks or toothpaste, so she was like... 0.94

00:19:00.000 What did they pay you for that?

00:19:04.000 I think it was like 300 bucks. 1.00

00:19:06.000 Shit from her own butt from this guy's dick. 1.00

00:19:08.000 I've never seen that in a movie, but I've seen a lot. 1.00

00:19:10.000 I asked him out.

00:19:11.000 And I always have the same reaction.

00:19:13.000 Why?

00:19:14.000 Is that necessary?

00:19:16.000 Do we really need to do this?

00:19:17.000 Turn someone on.

00:19:18.000 I asked him.

00:19:19.000 It turns a lot of people on. 1.00

00:19:20.000 It's just fucking dirty. 1.00

00:19:22.000 Oh. 0.99

00:19:22.000 Yeah, and I asked them, does it ever get better? 0.99

00:19:24.000 Does it, like, turn into chocolate after a while where you're just, like, looking forward to some shit in your mouth, you know? 0.98

00:19:29.000 And she's like, they're like, no, it never, every, every time. 1.00

00:19:31.000 Well, how many times has she gotten shit in her mouth? 1.00

00:19:33.000 Well, I guess that's pretty common when you do a lot of ass to mouth. 1.00

00:19:37.000 But she said that she was just saying this one time in particular. 0.98

00:19:40.000 My God.

00:19:40.000 That is so crazy.

00:19:42.000 You couldn't pay me all the money in the world.

00:19:43.000 You know, part of it is that other girls are doing it. 1.00

00:19:45.000 All you need is one girl to do it, and it's such a weird thing. 0.99

00:19:48.000 If one girl does porn where she lets a guy piss in her mouth, then every girl's going to start letting guys piss in their mouths. 1.00

00:19:54.000 It's a weird thing. 0.99

00:19:55.000 It's like all of a sudden that's become like...

00:19:56.000 Yeah, it raises the bar, and that becomes acceptable. 0.91

00:19:59.000 But there was no ass to mouth when I was a kid. 0.73

00:20:01.000 No.

00:20:01.000 Okay?

00:20:02.000 When you got a Ginger Lynn, Peter North porno, they had sex at the most. 1.00

00:20:05.000 He shot it in her mouth and it was pretty hot. 0.99

00:20:07.000 Right. 1.00

00:20:07.000 But he didn't stick it in her ass and then put it in her mouth. 1.00

00:20:10.000 But that's like standard today. 1.00

00:20:11.000 Yeah.

00:20:12.000 Well, that's not even that anymore.

00:20:13.000 Like, just a load and an open mouth.

00:20:15.000 It's like, ugh, not this again.

00:20:17.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:20:17.000 I mean, literally, you can go on like ujizz.com and look up loads in the mouth and there'll be like a fucking hundred thousand videos of girls with their mouths open and guys jerking off in their mouths. 0.99

00:20:27.000 She goes to this website you need to check out, because every time she's on it, I'm just like, wow, that's a cool video. 0.98

00:20:32.000 But I have a feeling it's one of those websites that everybody goes to, and I was just the last to know about it.

00:20:36.000 What's it called?

00:20:37.000 Todayisbigthing.com.

00:20:38.000 I think I've heard of that before.

00:20:39.000 It's great.

00:20:40.000 What is it?

00:20:41.000 It's just every day they have this crazy new videos and stuff.

00:20:43.000 Oh, really?

00:20:43.000 Yeah.

00:20:44.000 They have this one video on there right now.

00:20:47.000 It was Dueling Cellos.

00:20:49.000 Yeah, Dueling Cellos.

00:20:49.000 I saw that on Twitter, but I didn't click the link.

00:20:51.000 You gotta watch it, because it's like they're trying to be really hardcore.

00:20:54.000 So, say what they're...

00:20:55.000 I'm sorry.

00:20:55.000 Dueling Cellos?

00:20:56.000 It's Dueling Cellos for the song...

00:20:58.000 Um...

00:21:03.000 Oh, Michael Jackson's...

00:21:04.000 Oh, Beat It?

00:21:05.000 No.

00:21:05.000 Is it Beat It?

00:21:06.000 No, not Beat It.

00:21:07.000 Thriller?

00:21:08.000 No, it's the one that the band also re-sing.

00:21:11.000 Yeah, it's Beat It.

00:21:12.000 Are you sure?

00:21:13.000 No, it's not Beat It.

00:21:14.000 It's not Beat It.

00:21:14.000 Smooth Criminal.

00:21:15.000 Smooth Criminal.

00:21:16.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.66

00:21:17.000 God, we're so white.

00:21:20.000 So they're like playing the cello while they're both looking at each other and they're like trying to be hardcore and stuff and then it starts going...

00:21:28.000 Are they doing the hips thing? 1.00

00:21:29.000 Yeah, and just being real like they're fighting but they're playing cellos and they're staring at it. 0.87

00:21:34.000 It gets really gay. 0.96

00:21:36.000 And then it turns into them in this weird part where they're wrestling in this bedroom or something like that.

00:21:42.000 Or in a bar.

00:21:43.000 I don't even know what it is.

00:21:43.000 A dark room.

00:21:44.000 But the cellos are amazing.

00:21:46.000 Yeah, the cellos are amazing.

00:21:47.000 Do you think that you can sell advertising today if you have guys kissing?

00:21:50.000 Do you think you could sell things?

00:21:53.000 Yeah.

00:21:54.000 You could have girls kissing and you could still sell a Porsche.

00:21:57.000 Yeah.

00:21:57.000 But if you have...

00:21:58.000 Could you imagine...

00:22:01.000 Could you imagine if Porsche, just like the new CEO, just had this wacky idea? 0.76

00:22:05.000 What I think we need to do is capture the gay market. 1.00

00:22:08.000 We are missing the gay market. 1.00

00:22:10.000 We'll take a chance.

00:22:11.000 The Porsche name is so in the American culture.

00:22:15.000 They love our cars.

00:22:16.000 And this guy just takes a wild chance and says, he's just going to get that gay market too. 0.54

00:22:20.000 And he just has two guys making out in front of a Cayenne. 1.00

00:22:24.000 Just hands in the pockets and shit. 0.99

00:22:26.000 It would get so many. 1.00

00:22:28.000 Yo, what the fuck? 0.99

00:22:29.000 And everybody just abandons him to Audi. 1.00

00:22:31.000 Fuck you, bitches. 1.00

00:22:33.000 Fuck your stupid rear engine car. 1.00

00:22:35.000 It would get so many complaints for PTA mothers. 1.00

00:22:37.000 Yeah, but why?

00:22:38.000 If it was a girl and a girl kissing, would that get complaints? 0.99

00:22:41.000 Only from fat chicks. 1.00

00:22:42.000 They're the only ones complaining. 0.92

00:22:44.000 A few fatties taking their oversized hands to cover their teenage son's eyes while he's watching TV. Mom, what the fuck? 1.00

00:22:51.000 I would rather see two girls kissing than two guys kissing. 1.00

00:22:53.000 Yeah, because that's beautiful.

00:22:54.000 You know?

00:22:55.000 Of course. 0.88

00:22:55.000 Two guys kissing is much more likely rape. 0.88

00:22:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:22:58.000 I'm going to fucking kiss me. 1.00

00:22:59.000 I'm not right. 0.99

00:23:00.000 I still...

00:23:00.000 That is weird, though.

00:23:02.000 That two guys, to me, still...

00:23:05.000 If they're kissing right in front of me, as tolerable as I am, I'm still kind of like...

00:23:09.000 As tolerant as you are.

00:23:11.000 I don't know if you're tolerable.

00:23:14.000 That's debatable.

00:23:16.000 God, you're so full of yourself.

00:23:17.000 Um...

00:23:20.000 Yeah, this is a genetic thing, right?

00:23:22.000 Do you feel like it's a genetic thing?

00:23:23.000 Well, I guess.

00:23:24.000 I'm not judgmental at all.

00:23:25.000 I don't have any problem with anybody doing anything that doesn't hurt anybody else. 0.98

00:23:29.000 If you want to be gay, be gay. 1.00

00:23:31.000 It doesn't bother me at all. 0.99

00:23:32.000 But it weirds me out when I'm around gay guys and they're making out. 1.00

00:23:35.000 I've been as close as you are to me, and two guys were holding hands, and then they just moved in and started kissing each other. 0.73

00:23:42.000 Into your bed?

00:23:42.000 No!

00:23:43.000 As close as you are to me outside.

00:23:46.000 And I remember distinctly saying, okay, don't panic.

00:23:51.000 I was like, don't get uncomfortable.

00:23:54.000 Just move away slowly.

00:23:55.000 Your heart's palpitating. 0.98

00:23:56.000 But you're like, whoa, they're fucking making out right here. 0.99

00:23:59.000 It's so juvenile. 0.98

00:24:01.000 It's like, I completely support your right to do it.

00:24:03.000 And I think, look, sometimes it's pretty gross when men and women are doing it in public. 0.99

00:24:08.000 There's a lot of people that get fucking sloppy make-out sessions in public and it gets pretty nasty. 0.98

00:24:12.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:24:12.000 I support that. 0.98

00:24:13.000 Do that.

00:24:14.000 I don't have a problem with that.

00:24:15.000 I don't have a problem with anybody doing it.

00:24:16.000 But you gotta let gay people do it or straight people do it. 0.79

00:24:19.000 I have nothing against it.

00:24:21.000 I'm just saying it's weird that my mom likes two girls kissing. 0.99

00:24:25.000 My mom doesn't care if two girls are kissing. 1.00

00:24:27.000 What is your feeling when you see two guys kissing?

00:24:29.000 I feel vulnerable.

00:24:30.000 I feel like, don't try to kiss me!

00:24:33.000 If they wouldn't have nothing to do with me, man!

00:24:35.000 I'm totally not their type.

00:24:36.000 It doesn't matter.

00:24:37.000 If you know that you're for sure around a guy who's into guys, it's like all of a sudden you're in a completely different...

00:24:46.000 Like, roll.

00:24:47.000 You know?

00:24:48.000 Like, you could be pursued now.

00:24:49.000 Right.

00:24:50.000 You could be pursued by a dude like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:24:53.000 So even though, you know, I know they don't want everything to do with me.

00:24:56.000 It doesn't matter.

00:24:57.000 I've seen two guys. 0.99

00:24:57.000 Your instincts are like, get the fuck away. 0.99

00:24:59.000 Yeah, I've seen two guys kissing and I just kind of like watched because I was like, that's interesting. 0.97

00:25:03.000 It just looks different, you know?

00:25:04.000 Like it's watching, looking like an alien.

00:25:06.000 Yeah, it's like investigating it.

00:25:07.000 I wish if I could be a neuter for a day, that's how I would feel. 1.00

00:25:11.000 Like neutering people? 0.97

00:25:12.000 No, like if I wasn't a man or a woman. 0.62

00:25:15.000 If I could be sexless for a day, then I could probably look at it like that.

00:25:19.000 And I do look at it like that.

00:25:20.000 From a scientific point of view, I'm like, wow, this is fascinating.

00:25:24.000 That's their turn on.

00:25:25.000 I don't understand.

00:25:27.000 Anytime a girl's ever been attracted to me, I've always been like, really? 1.00

00:25:30.000 What the fuck do you like? 0.99

00:25:32.000 You like guys? 1.00

00:25:33.000 What do you like?

00:25:34.000 You know? 0.99

00:25:36.000 It's ridiculous. 0.98

00:25:37.000 It doesn't make any sense. 0.98

00:25:39.000 For a man, it doesn't make any sense that women are attracted to men.

00:25:42.000 I understand they do.

00:25:43.000 I have a lifelong history of experience of seeing it, seeing girls be attracted to men, so I know it's real. 1.00

00:25:49.000 But I don't get it.

00:25:50.000 Well, I don't get it either.

00:25:51.000 But when it's a guy, and a guy's attracted to a guy, then it's like, whoa, this is super alien.

00:25:57.000 We just don't know it.

00:25:58.000 It's something that we've never lived or experienced.

00:26:00.000 We're never going to be able to know what that feels like.

00:26:02.000 And that's weird with kids. 1.00

00:26:04.000 That's weird with guys that are into fucking horses and all that shit. 1.00

00:26:09.000 How do you get that? 1.00

00:26:10.000 That's even going different.

00:26:12.000 What is that? 1.00

00:26:13.000 Your brain just is broken. 0.98

00:26:15.000 Some people's brains just don't work right. 0.99

00:26:17.000 I was attacked by a man with a foot fetish at Laguna Beach.

00:26:21.000 I had to call the cops and everything.

00:26:23.000 I'm on the internet now.

00:26:26.000 I'm at Laguna Beach with an ex-boyfriend and we're smoking some weed on the rocks looking at the ocean.

00:26:31.000 This guy walks up and he has a camera in his hands.

00:26:33.000 And he's like, I think your style is really cool and really beautiful.

00:26:37.000 Can I take your picture?

00:26:37.000 I'm a photography student.

00:26:40.000 I'm like, okay.

00:26:40.000 Sounds good.

00:26:41.000 I'm like, do you mind if I smoke weed?

00:26:42.000 He's like, no.

00:26:43.000 So I keep smoking and he starts taking my picture.

00:26:45.000 And he's being really cool and he's like, can I have you take off your shoes?

00:26:48.000 And I'm like...

00:26:49.000 Okay.

00:26:50.000 We're at the beach.

00:26:51.000 I guess this is fitting.

00:26:52.000 You know?

00:26:52.000 Right.

00:26:52.000 Take pictures of my feet.

00:26:53.000 Start snapping pictures of my feet.

00:26:55.000 And then all of a sudden he gets down on a knee and I'm like looking at him like, what's this guy doing, man?

00:26:59.000 I'm like super high.

00:27:00.000 And all of a sudden he puts my foot on his face and goes.

00:27:05.000 He licked it?

00:27:08.000 He's like, how does that make you feel?

00:27:09.000 And I'm like, whoa!

00:27:11.000 And I'm looking at my boyfriend sitting right there and I'm like, babe! 1.00

00:27:14.000 And he's like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:27:16.000 Right in front of your boyfriend? 1.00

00:27:17.000 Did he not know that you were with the guy?

00:27:19.000 He knew. 1.00

00:27:20.000 He's just crazy. 1.00

00:27:21.000 Yeah, he's a crazy guy. 0.99

00:27:22.000 And then I'm like, what are you doing? 0.97

00:27:23.000 And he's like, oh, I run a foot fetish website.

00:27:25.000 It's CaliforniaBeachFeet.com.

00:27:26.000 And he puts me up on there. 0.93

00:27:28.000 I fucking take the business card because I'm just super stoned and I'm like, what just happened? 0.98

00:27:32.000 Whoa. 0.98

00:27:32.000 Check out the website and I'm on there. 0.98

00:27:34.000 Oh, no.

00:27:35.000 Didn't you recently just send a...

00:27:37.000 Yeah, I recently emailed him and said, I'm going to...

00:27:39.000 Cease and desist.

00:27:41.000 Yeah, he's going to sue.

00:27:42.000 Yeah, there's a weird thing about dudes who are into people's feet.

00:27:46.000 Did you save it?

00:27:48.000 The pictures?

00:27:49.000 The pictures are hilarious.

00:27:50.000 No, the video.

00:27:51.000 Oh, the video?

00:27:51.000 You should have saved it before you take that down.

00:27:53.000 It's still on there.

00:27:54.000 Oh, it is?

00:27:55.000 It's 25 bucks.

00:27:56.000 Oh.

00:27:56.000 Before the internet was around, you know, like back when, you know, you had to like find things in magazines or, you know, it's like, it was a lot different.

00:28:03.000 If you wanted to see some weird shit, you had to really, really go out of your way to see it.

00:28:07.000 There was a magazine called Foot. 0.99

00:28:10.000 There was two.

00:28:10.000 One of them was like this ladyboy magazine.

00:28:12.000 I wish I'd remembered it.

00:28:14.000 I wish I remembered the name of it.

00:28:15.000 But it was a magazine completely dedicated to cross-dressers. 1.00

00:28:18.000 And they were like fucking marines. 1.00

00:28:20.000 These guys were like... 1.00

00:28:21.000 The guy who works at the deli. 0.68

00:28:22.000 The guy who's bald with the big fat head who slices salami. 0.97

00:28:25.000 He wants to be a woman. 0.98

00:28:26.000 And he's got makeup on and a wig.

00:28:28.000 And he's posing like a woman. 0.99

00:28:30.000 And it is fucking tweaky. 0.99

00:28:34.000 Look how lovely she looks. 0.99

00:28:36.000 And they'll say what the woman name for his character that he plays when he dresses up is. 0.99

00:28:41.000 It's so fucking strange. 0.97

00:28:43.000 There's this new show coming on where cross-dressers compete. 0.99

00:28:46.000 Like...

00:28:47.000 In like some cross-dressing like reality show. 0.98

00:28:49.000 I saw a commercial for it.

00:28:51.000 Have you guys heard of it?

00:28:51.000 No.

00:28:52.000 I saw the billboard of it.

00:28:53.000 You saw the billboard?

00:28:54.000 It's like a game show but with cross-dressing. 0.98

00:28:57.000 What I was going to say though is that there was one magazine called Foot Action. 0.99

00:29:02.000 And I remember looking at this going, what the fuck is this? 0.98

00:29:05.000 So you got to open it up and check it out. 1.00

00:29:07.000 And it's all like dudes who jerk off on feet. 0.99

00:29:10.000 It's a whole thing. 1.00

00:29:11.000 It's like feet on dicks and girls rubbing their feet on dicks. 1.00

00:29:15.000 That's like a big fucking thing for dudes. 1.00

00:29:17.000 I don't get it. 0.99

00:29:18.000 That's for standing, not for kissing.

00:29:21.000 Not a whole magazine, man.

00:29:22.000 A whole magazine dedicated to it.

00:29:23.000 It's gross because that guy who took all those pictures of my feet, I know he went home and touched himself to him.

00:29:28.000 I was doing it right now.

00:29:30.000 Yes, I did! 0.99

00:29:32.000 Yeah, what the fuck is that about? 1.00

00:29:33.000 If you have a foot fetish, if it has a little bit of cotton, do you get hornier from it? 0.99

00:29:37.000 You know, like if there's a little cotton between the toes? 1.00

00:29:39.000 I would imagine it's like, oh, it's a dirty pussy. 1.00

00:29:41.000 I had a little bit of a foot fetish when I was like 18 or 19. What? 1.00

00:29:44.000 Really?

00:29:44.000 Well, not really.

00:29:45.000 I just thought they were attractive.

00:29:47.000 Like girls who had pretty feet were attractive. 1.00

00:29:48.000 Oh, well, it helps.

00:29:49.000 Yeah.

00:29:50.000 Just because there's so many ugly feet in Massachusetts. 0.89

00:29:52.000 But you're not like, put that in my mouth. 0.94

00:29:53.000 So many girls have like hooves. 1.00

00:29:55.000 So many girls just walking around kicking ice since they were a baby and her feet are all jacked. 1.00

00:30:00.000 You know?

00:30:01.000 I don't have a foot finish, but I definitely like touching feet.

00:30:03.000 Like when I sleep, I like to touch a little foot.

00:30:05.000 I like to hold a foot, but I don't like go after a foot.

00:30:08.000 No.

00:30:09.000 No, but some dudes, it becomes a giant focus. 0.99

00:30:12.000 That's more important to them than vaginas or mouths or anything like that. 1.00

00:30:16.000 Something like misfiring in the brain. 0.97

00:30:18.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:30:19.000 People are fucking strange, man. 1.00

00:30:21.000 The way one person's brain works and another person's doesn't. 0.99

00:30:24.000 I was telling you guys about this before we started the podcast and I saw this horrible video online of this two kids that are skateboarding in front of this guy's house.

00:30:32.000 And the guy comes out to tell them to stop skateboarding. 1.00

00:30:34.000 And they're like, fuck you. 1.00

00:30:35.000 We can skateboard what we want. 1.00

00:30:36.000 And they're getting sort of like a pushing, shoving sort of a little situation.

00:30:40.000 And the man runs into the house and grabs a gun and guns down these two kids right in the street.

00:30:46.000 It's all in the security video.

00:30:47.000 Is it a live leak, I'm guessing?

00:30:49.000 It was on YouTube.

00:30:50.000 It's not that graphic.

00:30:52.000 You can see him shooting.

00:30:53.000 It's from a security camera from the front of his house.

00:30:55.000 Wow. 1.00

00:30:56.000 It's fucking horrible. 0.99

00:30:57.000 When you think that an argument between someone who wants a skateboard and some guy who doesn't want to hear noise can turn into some man gunning down someone's children. 1.00

00:31:05.000 They're like 15, 16 years old.

00:31:07.000 They're like kids. 1.00

00:31:08.000 It was so fucked up to think that someone's brain can actually be wired that way. 1.00

00:31:12.000 Where they just want to go out and just shoot somebody who's making too much noise. 0.99

00:31:15.000 And it's so crazy how random it is.

00:31:18.000 Marco that I was telling you about, he was walking in North Hollywood and some guy just came up to him the other day and just put a gun to his head and was like, give me your wallet and your cell phone.

00:31:27.000 And it's like, what?

00:31:28.000 Yeah, it can happen.

00:31:29.000 It can happen easy.

00:31:30.000 There was a guy out here that shot a cop.

00:31:32.000 Yeah.

00:31:33.000 Last podcast, yeah.

00:31:34.000 Yeah, last podcast. 0.91

00:31:35.000 Look, man, it's a fucking nutty world, and as the economy gets shittier and shittier, people get more and more desperate, and more and more things like this are going to happen, unfortunately. 0.97

00:31:45.000 There's a lack of balance. 0.96

00:31:47.000 I don't know how it comes back around, but it ain't going to come back around the way we're rocking it right now. 1.00

00:31:52.000 There's just so many fucking criminals. 0.98

00:31:54.000 I want to get going. 1.00

00:31:55.000 There's a lot of crazies.

00:31:55.000 Why don't you have one?

00:31:56.000 I just, I don't know.

00:31:59.000 It's the reason why you haven't quit smoking.

00:32:01.000 Well, I mean, it's like, all right, you want to get a gun, it's like $600.

00:32:04.000 That's a pretty big purchase, you know, for a gun.

00:32:05.000 Is it that much?

00:32:06.000 I'm guessing, like, for a decent one.

00:32:09.000 It should be. 0.97

00:32:10.000 Isn't it amazing that you can kill somebody and it's only $600? 0.85

00:32:12.000 Oh, it's probably cheaper than that.

00:32:14.000 It's probably $20 if you go in the right places on the streets and you can probably get a cheap gun.

00:32:18.000 But you have to do the class, too.

00:32:20.000 Or not class, you have to sign up, like, two weeks beforehand.

00:32:23.000 And they have to do background checks.

00:32:24.000 Yeah, you have to do background checks.

00:32:25.000 It's like, do I want to be put in the system?

00:32:27.000 I don't know.

00:32:27.000 It's going to take you a while to get it, probably.

00:32:29.000 Do you want to be put in the system?

00:32:30.000 Are you afraid to be put in the system?

00:32:32.000 The protecting system.

00:32:33.000 Brian is an anarchist.

00:32:35.000 He stands outside the system.

00:32:37.000 Don't fall into that grid.

00:32:38.000 He's a libertarian.

00:32:40.000 He does not believe in this culture.

00:32:42.000 That's right.

00:32:43.000 I'm going to go to Canada.

00:32:43.000 Maybe Vancouver.

00:32:44.000 That's why you don't vote, right?

00:32:45.000 So you don't get put into the system?

00:32:46.000 Right. 1.00

00:32:47.000 I already got put in the system for the IRS, though, so that fucking sucks. 0.99

00:32:51.000 I don't know how that happened. 0.98

00:32:52.000 I didn't do anything.

00:32:53.000 They just check you, bro.

00:32:54.000 They found me.

00:32:55.000 They check comics all the time.

00:32:56.000 Comics get busted all the time.

00:32:58.000 With the IRS? Yeah, excuse me.

00:33:00.000 Yeah, yeah, because comics don't like to report money.

00:33:04.000 They'll take gigs and they'll get paid cash.

00:33:06.000 That was a huge, huge problem in Boston.

00:33:09.000 Back in the Diz A, we all got paid cash for all these gigs.

00:33:12.000 So you had to do your own taxes. 1.00

00:33:14.000 Most of these guys were lazy as fuck. 1.00

00:33:15.000 They didn't do anything. 1.00

00:33:16.000 They just took that money.

00:33:17.000 And then years and years of these comedy clubs reporting that they have these employees, and then these guys never paid.

00:33:24.000 It's really bad.

00:33:26.000 So a lot of them owed tens of thousands of dollars, hundreds even, over years and years without paying taxes.

00:33:31.000 What do you do if you can't pay that back?

00:33:34.000 You gotta pay it back.

00:33:35.000 You gotta pay it back slowly, as quick as you can.

00:33:37.000 Guys were working like every night.

00:33:39.000 Guys were taking all these crazy gigs just to try to pay off their IRS nut.

00:33:43.000 Yeah, I get withdrawals automatically once a month.

00:33:45.000 I was pretty much forced.

00:33:46.000 It's the mob back to John Gotti.

00:33:49.000 Yeah, right? 0.98

00:33:50.000 So who the fuck else was in line for it? 0.96

00:33:51.000 Was it like Barry Manilow's busy? 0.97

00:33:53.000 David Cassidy can't do it?

00:33:56.000 Danny Bonaduce doesn't want to act anymore.

00:33:58.000 Who's going to play John Gotti?

00:33:59.000 Elton John.

00:34:00.000 I mean, not that John Travolta is not a badass actor, don't get me wrong, but that's not the right guy for the part. 0.95

00:34:05.000 That's ridiculous. 0.98

00:34:07.000 That's silly. 0.98

00:34:08.000 I mean, he's great in Pulp Fiction. 0.91

00:34:09.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:34:10.000 I'm not a John Travolta hater.

00:34:11.000 Wouldn't it have been weird if they used Sylvester Stallone?

00:34:14.000 Ooh.

00:34:15.000 Yeah.

00:34:15.000 That would have been kind of cool, though.

00:34:17.000 Now, I would have totally...

00:34:18.000 I totally would have went for that.

00:34:20.000 Yeah.

00:34:21.000 Well, you know, it would have been a good role for Stallone, too.

00:34:23.000 It would have been something that he would want to, like, try hard at and stretch in.

00:34:26.000 You know, like, when he did Copland, like, he made some attempts a few times.

00:34:30.000 He's a good actor.

00:34:31.000 Yeah, he can be...

00:34:31.000 I mean, he's a great actor in Rocky.

00:34:33.000 But, you know, why do all that hard lifting when you can just be some badass in some fucking wooden-faced, wooden-lyriced movie, you know, that just makes $100 billion in the box office? 0.93

00:34:43.000 He's the master of those expendable type movies. 0.97

00:34:45.000 At least they didn't put some Jersey Shore guy in there.

00:34:47.000 I'm sick of all these Jersey Shore.

00:34:49.000 Ari was on an audition the other day, or a commercial shoot, with one of the guys from Jersey Shore and him about some kind of product.

00:34:57.000 I don't know if I'm allowed to say.

00:34:58.000 There was a picture of Kim Kardashian, and she was holding hands.

00:35:04.000 They were palling around with Snooki.

00:35:05.000 They're both having this incredible belly laugh.

00:35:09.000 They're leaning back and they're laughing so hard. 1.00

00:35:12.000 All I can think of is, what are these two dumb cunts laughing at? 1.00

00:35:16.000 What the fuck are you laughing at? 1.00

00:35:19.000 Who said something funny? 1.00

00:35:21.000 Snooki?

00:35:22.000 Snooki probably farted.

00:35:26.000 Them Kim Kardashian queefed and high-fived. 0.92

00:35:29.000 Your queefs are louder than my farts. 0.94

00:35:31.000 This is so strange.

00:35:32.000 It's such a strange time we live in. 1.00

00:35:34.000 When I say dumb cunts, I say it with all love. 1.00

00:35:36.000 I don't really think they're cunts. 1.00

00:35:38.000 I think they're just doing their thing. 0.97

00:35:40.000 I got no hate for it.

00:35:41.000 I find it fascinating.

00:35:43.000 I haven't even watched that show.

00:35:44.000 Not one episode.

00:35:44.000 I watched it twice.

00:35:46.000 Did it hurt your brain?

00:35:47.000 It makes you grip the seat where you're like, what is going on?

00:35:50.000 It makes you realize, these are real people, man.

00:35:52.000 This Jersey Shore, they'll fight over anything. 1.00

00:35:54.000 Fuck you, you whore! 1.00

00:35:55.000 They'll throw shit at each other. 1.00

00:35:56.000 They tackle each other and pull hair and turn into these crazy slap fights and they know cameras are on. 1.00

00:36:01.000 They know. 0.99

00:36:02.000 They don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:36:02.000 Well, that's what these reality shows are. 0.99

00:36:03.000 It's like a bunch of scientists putting a bunch of rats in a little glass cage and like, let's see the males mate with all the females and fight.

00:36:10.000 They're sending Josie Shore to Italy for Season 4. They just announced in, like, whatever the Italian-American interest group UNICO or whatever said that they're just pissed.

00:36:21.000 They're pissed?

00:36:21.000 They are so angry.

00:36:23.000 Well, those people aren't even all...

00:36:25.000 I mean, Snooki's not Italian, right?

00:36:26.000 I don't think they're all Italian.

00:36:28.000 Is she, like, Puerto Rican or something? 1.00

00:36:29.000 You know, I've never...

00:36:31.000 I can't believe we were talking about them. 1.00

00:36:33.000 It's so stupid. 1.00

00:36:33.000 Oh, we shouldn't. 1.00

00:36:34.000 But we should.

00:36:35.000 It's fascinating. 0.99

00:36:35.000 We should, just like when you go to the zoo and there's one monkey who's throwing his shit at the glass. 0.99

00:36:39.000 You want to, you know, it's not like this monkey's beneath me talking about him. 0.99

00:36:43.000 No, man. 0.79

00:36:44.000 That's, you know, these are monkeys. 0.89

00:36:46.000 These Jersey Shore people are just a different type of monkey.

00:36:48.000 You can look at it like it's such a trivial thing to talk about and discuss, but it's really like scientific work.

00:36:54.000 What's weird is most of them remind me of myself when I was like Isn't he behind a protein vodka?

00:37:24.000 I don't know.

00:37:25.000 He probably is. 1.00

00:37:26.000 He's got a bunch of shit going on. 1.00

00:37:27.000 He's obviously trying to make the most of the situation. 1.00

00:37:30.000 When you see guys like that, you just got to think, this is just someone from a different world.

00:37:33.000 That's all it is.

00:37:34.000 It's from a world where you grow up around people like that, and that kind of behavior is acceptable. 0.94

00:37:38.000 I mean, I never lived in Jersey Shore, but I was born in Newark, and I lived in New Jersey, and I have relatives from New Jersey, and I grew up in Boston, and that behavior is a lot more fucking common than you think. 0.99

00:37:51.000 You know, and if everybody in your house behaves like that, it's always like, Joey, what the fuck is this? 0.98

00:37:56.000 Man, you don't fucking see I'm on the phone here! 0.99

00:37:59.000 If that's every day, I mean, that's a real, those are real live people out there, man. 0.99

00:38:03.000 There's a bunch of people that, that's their every day, yelling and screaming shit at each other. 0.99

00:38:07.000 Come on, bro, this fucking guy doesn't know who I am, bro. 1.00

00:38:09.000 This guy doesn't know who I am. 1.00

00:38:10.000 I'm so glad I only had two Italians growing up near me. 1.00

00:38:13.000 They're monkeys. 0.99

00:38:15.000 That's me, so I can say it. 0.89

00:38:16.000 I'm a three-quarter monkey. 1.00

00:38:18.000 They're fucking apes. 1.00

00:38:19.000 They're squawking apes. 1.00

00:38:20.000 They like to get on top of cars and jump up and down and bang on them just like a chimp would. 1.00

00:38:26.000 All that yelling. 1.00

00:38:27.000 It's not a coincidence that they're the loudest motherfuckers on the planet. 1.00

00:38:30.000 No, you know what? 1.00

00:38:31.000 I have a lot of family in New York.

00:38:33.000 My parents are from Brooklyn.

00:38:34.000 And all of my aunts are like the whole, how are you doing?

00:38:39.000 Oh my god.

00:38:40.000 Oh, they're brutal.

00:38:40.000 But it's funny.

00:38:41.000 But it's very up there.

00:38:44.000 Well, you know what, though?

00:38:44.000 It's fun, though.

00:38:45.000 They're festive people.

00:38:46.000 I'm only bullshitting them.

00:38:47.000 I totally hate them because they have the best food ever.

00:38:49.000 I would take Italian food over everything.

00:38:51.000 And I am Italian.

00:38:52.000 I'm three-quarters Italian, so I can't be that self-hating.

00:38:54.000 But there's that passion that makes them...

00:38:57.000 It's a crazy race.

00:38:58.000 There's some rakes like... 0.85

00:39:00.000 Like the Armenians. 1.00

00:39:02.000 Armenians are fucking crazy, man. 1.00

00:39:03.000 I know a bunch of Armenians from The Ultimate Fighter, from the UFC fights, from just training. 1.00

00:39:10.000 A lot of them do jiu-jitsu. 1.00

00:39:11.000 Those guys are fucking down to just punch you in the face. 0.99

00:39:14.000 Yeah, they seem so aggressive. 1.00

00:39:15.000 They're wild.

00:39:16.000 They're wild dudes.

00:39:16.000 It's like a whole race of wild dudes.

00:39:18.000 But that's just the way they are. 1.00

00:39:20.000 If you're born into that situation, what the fuck? 0.99

00:39:23.000 You know how hard it must be to try to not be that? 1.00

00:39:25.000 If you're growing up around your dad and you're in a tight-knit family, so they're all together, they all act just like each other, and there's fucking ten of them in a house. 0.97

00:39:32.000 For real, those are very family-oriented people, the Armenians. 0.97

00:39:37.000 Everyone's over the house.

00:39:38.000 Grandma, Grandpa, the cousins are visiting.

00:39:40.000 They're very family. 1.00

00:39:41.000 They're all like, hey, what the fuck? 1.00

00:39:42.000 They're all super intense people. 1.00

00:39:45.000 Burbank is like filled to the top with Armenians. 1.00

00:39:49.000 And it's like my Starbucks and stuff.

00:39:51.000 They sit out there and play poker.

00:39:53.000 And you walk in and they all stare at you.

00:39:55.000 They're giving you like, we could trade him for you.

00:39:57.000 My friend Armin.

00:39:58.000 Armin the Armenian. 0.96

00:40:00.000 My friend Armin was a pool player back in my pool playing days. 1.00

00:40:04.000 And this motherfucker would just gamble. 0.99

00:40:05.000 He wanted to gamble constantly. 1.00

00:40:07.000 Come on, you got no heart.

00:40:08.000 Come on, gamble.

00:40:08.000 Let's gamble.

00:40:09.000 Just always wanted to gamble.

00:40:10.000 Armenians, even in pool, they're like aggressive. 1.00

00:40:12.000 Right.

00:40:13.000 And the place where I get my haircut, which is like Fantastic Sam's or $8 haircut type place, and there are Armenians in there too that are all the family members of the guys that are playing poker outside. 0.71

00:40:23.000 And so they kind of like know who you are from just going to Starbucks every day.

00:40:29.000 So I sit down, and it's the most uncomfortable haircut ever.

00:40:32.000 It feels like I always think that she's going to take the scissors and just stab it through my head. 0.61

00:40:37.000 So that's what I'm thinking when I'm getting my haircut.

00:40:39.000 I'm like...

00:40:39.000 Don't stab the scissors.

00:40:40.000 Why do you feel like that?

00:40:41.000 Because it's very intense.

00:40:43.000 You need to get a haircut with me and you'll understand.

00:40:46.000 I want to get a scary haircut.

00:40:48.000 It's very intense. 0.95

00:40:48.000 Armenians are very intense. 0.95

00:40:50.000 What if you're right? 0.99

00:40:51.000 Which haircut is she going to fucking snap on? 1.00

00:40:54.000 Right. 0.99

00:40:54.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:40:55.000 If I had those thoughts, I wouldn't even go anymore.

00:40:58.000 That's like your intuition.

00:40:59.000 Well, see, the thing is, I go to the Starbucks every day.

00:41:02.000 I'm mixed in with these people.

00:41:04.000 Yeah, keep your enemies close.

00:41:06.000 If they start throwing grenades, they're going to be like, hey, you better stand over here, man.

00:41:11.000 I'd rather have that.

00:41:14.000 You want to be in with them.

00:41:16.000 So you say hi to them when you see them.

00:41:18.000 Hi guys.

00:41:19.000 I did the nod.

00:41:20.000 I did the open the door when they're coming in and out.

00:41:22.000 You don't go so far as to make friends with them though.

00:41:26.000 Mike! 0.69

00:41:26.000 What's up Mike? 0.69

00:41:27.000 I don't do that with anybody though.

00:41:30.000 Like I told you last week, I keep very hidden like a ninja.

00:41:33.000 Low profile.

00:41:34.000 Why is that?

00:41:36.000 It's easier, right?

00:41:37.000 Avoid conflict.

00:41:38.000 Absolutely.

00:41:39.000 I think I talked to that old man building your shed in your backyard more than you did.

00:41:43.000 Oh yeah, absolutely.

00:41:43.000 I talked about his daughter's dogs.

00:41:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:41:46.000 What's with people that just want to start telling you shit about their life? 0.99

00:41:49.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:41:50.000 He told me a lot.

00:41:51.000 It's very... 1.00

00:41:51.000 When you get stuck with one of those motherfuckers and you realize, like it starts off as a normal conversation, like, what's going on, man? 1.00

00:41:57.000 Nothing. 1.00

00:41:57.000 How you doing? 1.00

00:41:58.000 No, everything's good, man.

00:41:59.000 How about yourself?

00:41:59.000 Well, it would have been better if it wasn't for last week.

00:42:01.000 You know, last week, my daughter married this man, and I tried to tell her to stay away from this fellow, but she didn't want to listen.

00:42:07.000 And you're like, oh, no.

00:42:09.000 That's too bad, guys. 1.00

00:42:10.000 Yeah, see, that's what I try to get out of and stay away from, is that kind of shit. 1.00

00:42:13.000 That shit is brutal. 1.00

00:42:14.000 That shit was, yeah, you're like a beaten woman. 1.00

00:42:17.000 You're afraid of men. 1.00

00:42:18.000 You become a lesbian. 0.97

00:42:19.000 You become a social lesbian. 0.94

00:42:20.000 Right.

00:42:21.000 You know who's the best is Joy Diaz getting out of those situations, though.

00:42:24.000 Listen, dog, you gotta do what you gotta do.

00:42:26.000 Hold on.

00:42:27.000 He'll make his phone ring.

00:42:28.000 Yeah, he'll make his phone ring.

00:42:29.000 I even saw once when this waitress at the Ice House, Pasadena Ice House, this waitress was talking so much, finally he goes, please, you're giving me an ear beating.

00:42:38.000 Seriously.

00:42:39.000 I need to get out of here.

00:42:42.000 That was like Joey Diaz meets Ernie and Bert.

00:42:45.000 No.

00:42:46.000 Cookie Monster.

00:42:47.000 Who is that?

00:42:48.000 Oscar the Grabs? 0.97

00:42:49.000 Cookie Monster.

00:42:51.000 That's what it sounded like.

00:42:52.000 It does.

00:42:53.000 Okay, so anyway.

00:42:54.000 So Joey told her that he's getting ear-beating.

00:42:56.000 He's getting ear-beating and just like started going.

00:42:58.000 Did she stop? 0.80

00:42:59.000 Yeah.

00:43:00.000 She took the hint.

00:43:00.000 Some people you have to say that.

00:43:01.000 Some people you cannot hint.

00:43:03.000 She did that laughing like, oh, that's the worst feeling being silenced like that.

00:43:09.000 Right. 1.00

00:43:10.000 Well, sort of, but maybe she's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:43:12.000 Maybe that's the only way to get her away. 0.99

00:43:14.000 Maybe she would have just sat down with us and started talking to us. 1.00

00:43:17.000 Some people just don't know.

00:43:19.000 Some people need those checks, because they're always going to do it unless somebody says something. 1.00

00:43:24.000 Wouldn't it be fucking badass if you could test drive people's brains, if you could be like, I wonder how dumb this motherfucker really is. 1.00

00:43:30.000 Can I just climb inside your head for five minutes? 1.00

00:43:32.000 Well, you'll be able to rent it someday, probably.

00:43:34.000 Yeah, Malkovich.

00:43:35.000 Dude, have you seen John Malkovich lately?

00:43:37.000 No.

00:43:37.000 Have you seen it ever?

00:43:38.000 Is it called Being John Malkovich?

00:43:39.000 Yeah, Being John Malkovich.

00:43:40.000 It's such a great movie.

00:43:42.000 It's a great movie.

00:43:42.000 Yeah, just rewatch it.

00:43:43.000 Could you imagine if you could pilot?

00:43:45.000 I want to know what it feels like to be a girl.

00:43:47.000 So you pilot Allison.

00:43:48.000 Yeah.

00:43:48.000 Just pilot her around the house for like an hour.

00:43:51.000 Being Allison Shula.

00:43:51.000 And she just stays silent and lets you move around and look through her eyes.

00:43:56.000 She knows you're in there.

00:43:57.000 She lets you in there.

00:43:58.000 You can move.

00:43:59.000 She goes silent.

00:44:00.000 You walk her around.

00:44:01.000 You move her body around.

00:44:02.000 You finger yourself.

00:44:03.000 Right.

00:44:04.000 You can do whatever you want.

00:44:05.000 You have her body for one hour.

00:44:07.000 And then I trick her to get into herself. 0.98

00:44:08.000 You could sleep with a bunch of guys.

00:44:10.000 I don't think I would do that.

00:44:11.000 I would definitely finger myself, though.

00:44:13.000 For sure.

00:44:14.000 Wouldn't you?

00:44:15.000 I would do that stuff. 1.00

00:44:16.000 I would get a dildo. 1.00

00:44:17.000 I would pee on myself and all that crap. 1.00

00:44:19.000 Would you? 1.00

00:44:19.000 Yes. 1.00

00:44:20.000 You realize when you start using a flashlight, yeah, sex is way better. 0.99

00:44:24.000 But it's pretty fucking good. 0.99

00:44:25.000 And that's why girls with dildos, I never got that. 1.00

00:44:30.000 I was like, why don't you stick some rubber dick inside of you? 1.00

00:44:33.000 It's not as good as a real dick, but I bet it's probably pretty fucking close. 1.00

00:44:36.000 Right. 0.99

00:44:38.000 Girls, I would definitely.

00:44:39.000 If I was a girl for 10 minutes, I'd finger myself. 1.00

00:44:41.000 I would try to have sex with another woman while it was that woman. 1.00

00:44:44.000 Really? 1.00

00:44:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:44:45.000 Try to make out with her?

00:44:46.000 Yeah.

00:44:46.000 And what if you turned midnight and turned into a pumpkin?

00:44:48.000 Like, boing! 1.00

00:44:49.000 All of a sudden, look, I got a dick! 1.00

00:44:52.000 It's like 11.58. 1.00

00:44:53.000 You know what would be great right now?

00:44:54.000 If I was a guy and you were a girl, but I'm not attracted to guys.

00:44:57.000 Ever since my uncle touched me, I'm really only attracted to boing!

00:45:01.000 Oh, no! 1.00

00:45:01.000 Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you. 1.00

00:45:03.000 I was going to turn into a dude. 1.00

00:45:04.000 Listen, can we keep going?

00:45:06.000 Can we keep going?

00:45:06.000 That would be cool if you could keep going because you'd already be horny and then she'd be like, fine.

00:45:10.000 She'd be creeped out because she just told you about her uncle and then all of a sudden a big part dicks in front of her. 0.99

00:45:14.000 I think if I saw that actually happen, I would probably freak the fuck out. 0.97

00:45:19.000 No, you'd probably... 0.95

00:45:20.000 Poof! 0.99

00:45:20.000 Wiener! 0.99

00:45:21.000 Could you imagine?

00:45:22.000 Just morphing.

00:45:23.000 Because there's certain animals that change sex.

00:45:25.000 That's not unusual in nature.

00:45:27.000 It happens in a bunch of situations.

00:45:29.000 Certain animals start off as a woman and they become a male or vice-a-verse. 0.99

00:45:32.000 And they can change dependent on certain insects and certain worms and shit. 0.83

00:45:36.000 I think they can change dependent on whether or not there's enough males or enough females in the population. 0.94

00:45:41.000 Really?

00:45:41.000 Yeah, it's variable.

00:45:43.000 Yeah, there's a bunch of simple organisms that can do that. 0.97

00:45:45.000 So if simple organisms can do that, why can't, you know, why can't we fucking humans? 0.95

00:45:49.000 That was the part of the movie Splice. 0.98

00:45:52.000 You don't even know.

00:45:54.000 The movie Splice.

00:45:55.000 It was an amazing movie.

00:45:56.000 What's that guy's name?

00:45:57.000 Adrian Brody.

00:45:59.000 Adrian Brilliant was a brilliant scientist and what he did was he managed to splice together, I don't know, was it like alien?

00:46:07.000 Oh, they make the worst child ever.

00:46:09.000 What was it like?

00:46:09.000 It was an alien girl.

00:46:10.000 It was like a person and some other shit. 0.98

00:46:11.000 I saw the trailer. 0.98

00:46:12.000 Okay, it was like a person and some other shit, like maybe a frog or something. 0.92

00:46:16.000 No, a raptor. 0.98

00:46:16.000 They made this little alien baby. 0.98

00:46:19.000 And this is how dumb the premise is. 0.96

00:46:20.000 They keep this alien baby at this laboratory, and it grows into a full-grown human in a couple of months, and they just keep it in the basement. 0.98

00:46:29.000 And they're just hanging out with her in the basement.

00:46:31.000 Now, all of a sudden, she's a chick, and she's kind of hot, except her eyes are too far apart. 0.99

00:46:35.000 That's the only thing that you can tell.

00:46:36.000 So this thing is maybe three months old, and it's an attractive woman thing, and it gets scared, but if it wants to, it can kill you. 1.00

00:46:44.000 And then... 1.00

00:46:46.000 Maybe three weeks after that, he starts fucking it. 1.00

00:46:48.000 So Adrian Brody is fucking this three-month-old alien baby thing. 1.00

00:46:53.000 I swear I'd shut that thing off. 0.99

00:46:54.000 In the middle of my Adrian Brody story.

00:46:58.000 Who do you think it is?

00:46:59.000 I don't know.

00:46:59.000 It's probably the fence guy.

00:47:00.000 Oh, it's a toll-free call, you cunts. 0.98

00:47:07.000 Well, that's pretty weird. 1.00

00:47:08.000 So he starts fucking the thing that's... 0.99

00:47:10.000 I would not... 0.99

00:47:11.000 He's like...

00:47:11.000 That's gross.

00:47:12.000 This thing is only a couple of months old.

00:47:13.000 I would have not waited that long. 1.00

00:47:15.000 I would have fucked that thing the first second it looked like a girl. 1.00

00:47:18.000 And it was like, oh, I made you. 1.00

00:47:20.000 Ugh.

00:47:21.000 Wouldn't you?

00:47:22.000 You would do the same thing. 1.00

00:47:23.000 No, you wouldn't fuck this. 0.99

00:47:24.000 First of all, because it didn't totally look like a person. 1.00

00:47:26.000 It had wings.

00:47:27.000 It had crazy feet. 0.99

00:47:28.000 The back legs were like horse legs.

00:47:31.000 Did it talk in English?

00:47:34.000 No, it made noises.

00:47:35.000 Oh, it made noises?

00:47:37.000 No.

00:47:38.000 Hmm. 0.91

00:47:38.000 Yeah, it was way retarded. 0.91

00:47:41.000 And then, at the end of the movie, it becomes a male.

00:47:44.000 Something happens, something happens, it goes through some, really, it's not feeling well, and some weird, they think it's gonna die, and it becomes a male. 0.95

00:47:51.000 And Andrew and Brody have sex with it. 0.98

00:47:52.000 Yeah, and the male starts jacking, and I think it kills Andrew and Brody at the end. 0.97

00:47:56.000 I don't remember.

00:47:56.000 It was so bad, I couldn't remember.

00:47:58.000 Wow. 1.00

00:47:58.000 It was such a dumb movie. 1.00

00:47:59.000 It was like, Spoiler alert. 1.00

00:48:01.000 When it was over, you're like, shut the fuck up. 0.97

00:48:04.000 There's no spoilers in this movie. 1.00

00:48:05.000 When the movie sucks that bad, you're allowed to talk about it.

00:48:09.000 It's fun. 0.90

00:48:10.000 It's fun to watch because it's bad.

00:48:12.000 It's a giggle fest. 0.99

00:48:13.000 Does she have boobs? 1.00

00:48:14.000 Did they have nipples? 1.00

00:48:15.000 I think she's got some little tits. 1.00

00:48:17.000 See, that could have turned me the right way. 0.99

00:48:19.000 Well, she's real aggressive too. 1.00

00:48:20.000 And big. 1.00

00:48:22.000 Powerful and shit. 1.00

00:48:23.000 She was really kind of creepy. 1.00

00:48:24.000 But she's supposed to be four fucking months old. 0.99

00:48:27.000 Or whatever. 0.99

00:48:28.000 At the most, six.

00:48:30.000 They had to get her out of the lab.

00:48:32.000 She acts like a child.

00:48:33.000 She curls up and cuddles with them like a child and gets scared and cries. 1.00

00:48:37.000 But then she'll eat a cat and shit. 1.00

00:48:39.000 Did he just start fucking her? 1.00

00:48:40.000 Like raping her? 1.00

00:48:41.000 Did he comb her hair first? 1.00

00:48:42.000 No, she fucking came onto him. 1.00

00:48:44.000 And next thing you know, he's boner. 1.00

00:48:45.000 And I swear to God, the whole theater is howling laughing.

00:48:50.000 Howling laughing.

00:48:50.000 That's hilarious.

00:48:51.000 Yeah, I mean, I felt bad that I was laughing.

00:48:54.000 I felt, I can't laugh at this. 1.00

00:48:55.000 Fuck, I'm going to be that dick in the movie theater laughing. 1.00

00:48:59.000 But then other people started laughing, too. 1.00

00:49:01.000 I was going, oh, no.

00:49:03.000 And then other people started laughing out loud, and then it just became a wave through the whole theater.

00:49:07.000 Everybody was just going, no! 1.00

00:49:09.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:49:10.000 People were just going, what the fuck? 1.00

00:49:12.000 They were LMFAO. That's one of the cool things about going to see a movie in Hollywood. 0.99

00:49:17.000 A lot of times when you go see a movie in Hollywood, there's a lot of cool people in the audience. 1.00

00:49:21.000 Sometimes some stupid, stupid shit will happen in a movie and everyone agrees. 1.00

00:49:26.000 Everyone is like, what is this? 1.00

00:49:28.000 Yeah, that happened when I was watching the trailers to Inception.

00:49:31.000 And it was...

00:49:32.000 What's that guy making...

00:49:34.000 He made that movie where everyone's in a village and they don't know him.

00:49:38.000 Yeah, the devils.

00:49:39.000 It showed his name in the whole theater.

00:49:41.000 Yeah, same thing happened in my theater.

00:49:43.000 I've been talking about this before.

00:49:44.000 I've seen it three times.

00:49:46.000 The Devil, when it came on, everyone just started going, aww. 1.00

00:49:50.000 This looks cool with that mother of that fucking disappointing cocksucker. 1.00

00:49:55.000 He needs to change his name. 1.00

00:49:57.000 No, man.

00:49:57.000 I'm telling you, that Devil movie was pretty good.

00:49:59.000 I liked that movie.

00:50:00.000 Yeah.

00:50:00.000 I took a chance.

00:50:01.000 I'm desperate.

00:50:02.000 I'm desperate for a good horror movie.

00:50:04.000 But it seems like he's gotten to a point where a lot of people probably aren't going to watch that movie.

00:50:10.000 Well, apparently he did not direct this, I don't think.

00:50:12.000 I think he just produced it.

00:50:13.000 Get your name off it, bro.

00:50:15.000 Yeah.

00:50:16.000 Yeah, man, you might have cost yourself 50 million bucks.

00:50:19.000 I was doing tech support two months ago, and as I was working from home, I'd watch horror movies over and over again, just random ones on Netflix.

00:50:27.000 And I would watch probably two a day, to the point where two weeks went by, and I'm like, I need to switch it up. 0.99

00:50:33.000 I've been watching this shit too much. 0.99

00:50:34.000 I had weird dreams and shit. 1.00

00:50:36.000 Sometimes there's a problem with the celebrity director. 0.99

00:50:40.000 Like M. Night Shyamalan's Boom.

00:50:43.000 Because there's a bunch of movies that are really good movies that don't have that.

00:50:48.000 It doesn't say James Cameron's Boom.

00:50:51.000 But with certain dudes, their name, like M. Night Shyamalan with Ding Dong is the number one.

00:50:56.000 His name is just immediately associated with all of his movies.

00:50:59.000 What movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much? 0.99

00:51:02.000 They all suck. 0.99

00:51:03.000 The one with the... 1.00

00:51:03.000 The Sixth Sense was the last good one. 1.00

00:51:05.000 The Watcher?

00:51:06.000 Unbreakable was okay, but it was really slow. 0.99

00:51:08.000 But then the water one was so dumb. 0.99

00:51:11.000 And the plant one. 1.00

00:51:12.000 I didn't even see the plant one, but everybody told me the plant one was fucking god-awful. 0.94

00:51:16.000 Did you see the plant one? 0.99

00:51:17.000 I saw a gang of them that made me nuts.

00:51:21.000 I forget which ones.

00:51:24.000 I can't remember, but I still take chances.

00:51:26.000 I'm a sheep.

00:51:28.000 It's a big film.

00:51:29.000 It's a big film.

00:51:30.000 Let's go see it. 1.00

00:51:31.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:51:32.000 I'll just sit there and try to watch it, man. 1.00

00:51:34.000 Sit there with my popcorn and try not to think this is stupid. 1.00

00:51:37.000 But that was a good movie. 1.00

00:51:38.000 The devil was not bad. 0.96

00:51:39.000 It was tricky.

00:51:41.000 It was good enough.

00:51:42.000 It was a good horror movie. 0.92

00:51:44.000 I expected it to suck, and it did not. 0.99

00:51:47.000 There's fucking not enough good horror movies out there, man. 0.99

00:51:49.000 Good monster movies. 0.99

00:51:51.000 I think Human Centipede was the last one I watched.

00:51:53.000 Me too.

00:51:53.000 That's more just gore of.

00:51:54.000 Man, I want to see monsters.

00:51:56.000 Somebody make some good monster movies. 0.98

00:51:58.000 Did you see Human Centipede?

00:51:59.000 I got it.

00:52:00.000 I didn't watch it.

00:52:00.000 No, you should watch it for the creep fest of it.

00:52:02.000 Really?

00:52:02.000 I mean, it's one of those movies I was going to turn off after the first 20 minutes.

00:52:06.000 I just wanted to get a taste of it.

00:52:08.000 But then I kind of got addicted to the fact that it was so creepy.

00:52:11.000 And I was just like, I've got to see what's happening here.

00:52:13.000 I mean, it's not good. 0.99

00:52:15.000 I don't like it, but it's definitely worth seeing just because the characters in it are fucking creepy as fuck. 0.98

00:52:22.000 Have you seen the movie Shutter Island? 0.99

00:52:23.000 Yes.

00:52:24.000 Okay, that one was not surprising and whatever, but there's a movie called Madhouse.

00:52:28.000 It wasn't surprising?

00:52:29.000 Yeah, because you kind of knew it was going to happen. 0.95

00:52:31.000 It's like, oh, he's obviously going to be the crazy person.

00:52:33.000 That movie was a hot subject of debate amongst me and my friends.

00:52:37.000 Really?

00:52:37.000 Yeah.

00:52:38.000 Most of us thought, like, I went to see it with Segura and with Eddie Bravo, and they both, we all thought that it was a bad movie.

00:52:46.000 Me too. 0.99

00:52:47.000 I felt like, you can't just show me a bunch of shit and then say, oh, psych, he was crazy the whole time. 1.00

00:52:53.000 It was all a dream. 1.00

00:52:54.000 See?

00:52:54.000 If you go on Netflix, look at Madhouse.

00:52:56.000 It's just like Shutter Island, but with unknown actors.

00:53:00.000 Completely better story, better ending.

00:53:02.000 I wish that one made it to theaters.

00:53:04.000 Yeah, that Shutter Island one, it looked badass and it seemed kind of interesting, but when you found out that he was crazy, like halfway, there was one point in time when you kind of knew that things were a little wonky.

00:53:16.000 Like, okay, all of a sudden we've entered into this unrealistic, like, how's he climbing up these mountains, you know, and by the ocean.

00:53:23.000 Remember that part by the ocean when he climbed in the cave?

00:53:25.000 Into that lighthouse. 0.89

00:53:26.000 Yeah, and you start thinking, okay, obviously he's crazy.

00:53:29.000 What's going on?

00:53:29.000 But you can't have a movie where you have everything make sense and then all of a sudden it doesn't and, oh, it was a dream.

00:53:35.000 Yeah.

00:53:36.000 That's like a cheap trick.

00:53:37.000 That's kind of like a slap in the face to all the viewers.

00:53:39.000 Yeah, I mean, I get you're trying to be crafty.

00:53:42.000 It's just I don't think it's successful.

00:53:44.000 I didn't think it was good.

00:53:45.000 I wonder how some movies get put out and pass all the people they need to pass and then it gets such bad viewer responses.

00:53:50.000 Well, the big part about the whole movie business is the producers.

00:53:54.000 The big part about the movie business is the people that come up with the money.

00:53:57.000 So, they get that.

00:53:58.000 Well, it's a bunch of different people get involved.

00:54:00.000 It's not just the people who wrote it or the people who are performing the characters. 0.97

00:54:04.000 There's a lot of other shit behind the scenes. 0.98

00:54:06.000 And there's a lot of cooks. 0.99

00:54:08.000 And everybody's got their own idea of what should be in and should be not in. 0.98

00:54:11.000 I've seen a bunch of things that were really good get fucked up. 0.96

00:54:14.000 A bunch of things. 0.96

00:54:15.000 The Man Show, when Doug and I did it, that got all fucked up by other people involved. 0.74

00:54:19.000 Look at this Green Hornet movie, man. 0.70

00:54:21.000 Have you seen the preview for that?

00:54:22.000 That looks like somebody...

00:54:23.000 I was going to say, the best example, there was a movie that I did a long time ago.

00:54:27.000 It was a terrible movie.

00:54:29.000 It was called Frank McCluskey CI, or PI, Private Investigator, I think it was.

00:54:34.000 Anyway, it was this kid, I forget his name, Dave, who's the lead, who's a really funny guy.

00:54:38.000 And he was doing all these different... 0.99

00:54:41.000 I should add respect to him to find out what the fuck his last name is. 1.00

00:54:46.000 That Green Hornet movie was fucking nasty. 0.99

00:54:48.000 Well, I'm wondering if it's supposed to be funny. 0.98

00:54:50.000 Well, what I'm saying is, with this guy, when I did this movie, Dave Sheridan, that's his name. 0.98

00:54:57.000 When I did this movie, this fucking kid's hilarious. 0.93

00:55:00.000 And he would have, and him and his friend wrote it, right? 0.99

00:55:02.000 So he had, like, they were, like, going over the scenes and what's the best way to make them funny.

00:55:07.000 And the dude was really good.

00:55:09.000 Like, he's a really good actor.

00:55:10.000 He was in, like, a scary movie.

00:55:12.000 And he's been in a bunch of different films.

00:55:14.000 So anyway, he's performing the scene, and he'll come in and hit it his way, but there's all these, no one knows who this guy is, right?

00:55:21.000 So there's all these, like, suits in the room, and these guys with, like, fucking expensive cufflinks and Rolex watches and suspenders, and they're giving this dude, literally giving him takes, like, do it like this.

00:55:32.000 Like, when you walk in, I want you to... 0.94

00:55:35.000 Whoa! 1.00

00:55:36.000 I watched this guy do this and I'm like, this is what happens when these motherfuckers get power. 1.00

00:55:41.000 All of a sudden they think that they're creative. 1.00

00:55:43.000 All of a sudden they want to influence these funny people making their shit. 0.98

00:55:46.000 Just because you've backed a bunch of movies and you've got a bunch of successful movies under your belt doesn't mean you know how to make something funnier. 0.99

00:55:53.000 But they all just want to get their greasy fingerprints on it.

00:55:56.000 It's a big problem in Hollywood.

00:56:00.000 The smaller the group, the better.

00:56:02.000 That's what it's got to be.

00:56:03.000 The smaller the group, the better.

00:56:05.000 And you can't make what they're doing better.

00:56:07.000 You can't go in and go, no, no, no, no.

00:56:09.000 You guys are focusing too much on this.

00:56:11.000 It's too much that.

00:56:12.000 You've got to bring it back.

00:56:13.000 All you're going to do is cause chaos.

00:56:15.000 All you're going to do is interrupt.

00:56:16.000 So either they make something that you enjoy, or they don't.

00:56:18.000 But you can't add to the process.

00:56:20.000 It's like, say if someone was building a car, they were making a Porsche, and you're like, I don't like the way this front end looks, but I want the front end to stick up like this, like a cobra, like it's coming at you.

00:56:32.000 And they'd go, that doesn't work, because there's aerodynamics.

00:56:35.000 Like, we need aerodynamics.

00:56:36.000 See, scientifically, it doesn't work.

00:56:37.000 But I think it would really work.

00:56:38.000 We've got to figure out a way to make this work. 1.00

00:56:40.000 And you'd be like, well, this is stupid. 1.00

00:56:41.000 You're not a car designer. 1.00

00:56:43.000 Well, it's the same thing with these assholes. 1.00

00:56:44.000 They're not funny. 1.00

00:56:46.000 They're not actors.

00:56:47.000 They're not comedians. 0.99

00:56:48.000 They're just fucking people with money that have financed a bunch of movies. 0.98

00:56:52.000 So you can get it done. 0.96

00:56:53.000 So if you're doing a TV show, if you're doing a movie, there's a bunch of different people that have their say.

00:56:57.000 That's how John Travolta gets cast as John Gotti.

00:56:59.000 You look at a guy like that, you're like, okay, it's a big name.

00:57:03.000 We've got John Travolta.

00:57:04.000 John Travolta for Gotti.

00:57:05.000 It's very controversial.

00:57:06.000 Maybe we should go with it.

00:57:07.000 It's going to get a lot of press.

00:57:08.000 John Travolta's Gotti.

00:57:10.000 Yeah.

00:57:11.000 Meanwhile...

00:57:12.000 Meanwhile? 0.99

00:57:13.000 Back at the ranch, I guarantee if we find the guy who wrote that thing, he's probably fucking pulling his hair out. 0.98

00:57:17.000 John Travolta? 0.99

00:57:18.000 Really?

00:57:19.000 My epist?

00:57:20.000 Oh, this is my greatest work of all time?

00:57:24.000 John Travolta for John Gotti! 0.99

00:57:26.000 I was a fucking... 1.00

00:57:27.000 I was undercover. 1.00

00:57:28.000 I wrote this book. 1.00

00:57:29.000 I wore a wire, you cocksucker. 1.00

00:57:30.000 I risked my life, my family's life. 1.00

00:57:33.000 And fucking John Travolta... 0.99

00:57:36.000 Don't they love him for Grease, though? 0.99

00:57:37.000 No, not anymore.

00:57:39.000 No, no.

00:57:40.000 After the picture in the Enquirer of him kissing another man...

00:57:43.000 Wait, really?

00:57:44.000 He took a step back.

00:57:44.000 Yeah, that's funny about that.

00:57:45.000 He's getting off a jet, and there's a picture of him mouth-kissing.

00:57:49.000 There's a bunch of people that know him, that have said it online, that have said it in interviews, that thought it was like...

00:57:54.000 Out. 0.81

00:57:55.000 I thought it was like, you know, there's a big article, I think it was Vanity Fair, some dude that Travolta used to bone just talked about how he would just go to bathhouses and shit and just hook up with dudes.

00:58:07.000 Remember the family guy, the last family guy, I think it was, where it shows the grease where they fly out into the air, you know, like in the car, and it was like the bonus scene that they cut out of the movie where they're just like, Oh my god, it's cold up here!

00:58:21.000 It's cold up here!

00:58:22.000 You know, because they're just flying through the sky.

00:58:24.000 And then she's like, warm me up, you know, hold me, warm me up.

00:58:27.000 And he goes, hey, I'm good, I'm good.

00:58:29.000 You know, like a gay joke to Travolta on the family guy. 0.88

00:58:32.000 That's funny.

00:58:33.000 You know, I understand that if he was gay, and I'm not saying he is, because I don't know, you know.

00:58:41.000 But...

00:58:41.000 If he was, I totally understand him not wanting to tell people because of his business.

00:58:45.000 You don't get to play the lead in movies if they know you're gay. 0.97

00:58:48.000 Because there's just a big chunk of America, like, you know, fucking probably like 30 or 40 percent is just not going to go see a movie where John Travolta is kissing girls and has a girlfriend or a wife if you know that he's gay. 0.95

00:59:00.000 Don't you usually get to a certain point in money, at least, where you don't need to worry about not getting lead roles anymore? 0.99

00:59:08.000 You could still probably make money, especially if you're gay. 0.99

00:59:11.000 Like go to commercials? 0.99

00:59:13.000 That's easier said than done, man.

00:59:15.000 A lot of people don't want to disappoint their fans.

00:59:18.000 A lot of people are worried.

00:59:19.000 One of the reasons why certain alleged organizations protect their members from homosexual rumors and anybody finding out that they're gay is because they're trying to protect them as a business.

00:59:31.000 They're trying to use a systematic approach as a business to maximize their opportunity.

00:59:36.000 Like, look, you can come out, but if you do, here's what's going to happen.

00:59:39.000 First of all, you're only going to come out to strangers.

00:59:41.000 Your friends all know you're gay anyway, right? 0.61

00:59:43.000 That's all that matters.

00:59:44.000 You're friends.

00:59:45.000 And if you come out, there's a bunch of roles you're not going to get.

00:59:47.000 There's a bunch of things you're going to get pushed away for.

00:59:50.000 And there might be a few opportunities that you miss.

00:59:52.000 When it's all over, let's write a book.

00:59:53.000 We'll write a book. 1.00

00:59:54.000 We'll say you're gay. 1.00

00:59:54.000 But for now, let's say you're not gay. 1.00

00:59:56.000 And we'll throw in a couple quirks or perks. 0.84

00:59:59.000 Yeah, you can be the woman in Hairspray.

01:00:01.000 Sure.

01:00:02.000 Every now and then you can play a girl.

01:00:04.000 Yeah.

01:00:05.000 Yeah.

01:00:05.000 It's kind of funny.

01:00:07.000 It's a fucking interesting thing, man. 0.99

01:00:08.000 The way the human sexual system is wired. 1.00

01:00:11.000 Yeah.

01:00:12.000 There is this ad, maybe like a preview on the news, and it's like, Oprah tells a big secret next week at 4. And I'm like, isn't it always kind of questionable?

01:00:20.000 She's a white man. 0.77

01:00:22.000 She's a white man. 0.83

01:00:23.000 No one ever saw that coming.

01:00:25.000 Oprah.

01:00:26.000 Yeah, what was the secret?

01:00:27.000 I don't know.

01:00:28.000 I don't think it aired yet.

01:00:30.000 Her big secret is that she's going to be a lesbian with that girl, right? 1.00

01:00:33.000 Yeah, don't people think that already?

01:00:35.000 A lot of people think that, yeah.

01:00:36.000 Wait, did you just bring up Oprah?

01:00:38.000 I was watching Oprah the other day.

01:00:40.000 No, it was on the news.

01:00:41.000 That's what happens when you bring chicks to the show, bro. 1.00

01:00:43.000 They just start bringing up Oprah.

01:00:45.000 When do I watch Oprah?

01:00:47.000 I watch it occasionally just to see.

01:00:49.000 I just need to know that that side exists.

01:00:51.000 Did you subscribe to the Oprah channel, Joe?

01:00:53.000 No, I haven't.

01:00:54.000 Do you have to pay for it?

01:00:55.000 I don't know.

01:00:55.000 I'll watch it.

01:00:56.000 Would you?

01:00:57.000 No. 0.99

01:00:57.000 I mean, I will every now and then, just to see what the fuck is up. 0.99

01:01:01.000 I watch everything, man. 0.99

01:01:02.000 I watch hunting shows.

01:01:03.000 I watch super, super, like, right-wing political shows.

01:01:07.000 I watch people like a scientist. 0.99

01:01:10.000 Like, I just want to know what the fuck is out there, you know? 0.99

01:01:13.000 I don't watch a lot. 1.00

01:01:14.000 A lot of shit I don't watch for entertainment. 0.99

01:01:15.000 I watch for, like, I just watch to see what is this, you know? 1.00

01:01:19.000 Like, uh...

01:01:20.000 You know, so many shows, man.

01:01:22.000 Like religious shows.

01:01:23.000 I love watching religious shows.

01:01:25.000 Dude, I watched Steve Harvey on this religious show. 0.99

01:01:28.000 It was fucking awesome. 0.99

01:01:30.000 First of all, he's crying about the pressures of being famous. 0.98

01:01:33.000 It was amazing.

01:01:35.000 Cats don't know.

01:01:36.000 Cats don't know what it's like.

01:01:38.000 Complaining about being this multi-multi-millionaire celebrity.

01:01:42.000 And then he started talking about God, and it was just brilliant.

01:01:45.000 It was just amazing stuff he was saying.

01:01:47.000 He was like, what did he say?

01:01:49.000 He goes, if a cat don't have God in his life, I don't even want to talk to you. 1.00

01:01:54.000 You're silly. 1.00

01:01:55.000 You're a silly person. 1.00

01:01:57.000 It was awesome! 1.00

01:01:58.000 Like, if you don't believe in God, you're a silly person. 0.99

01:02:00.000 I had a friend do that to me. 0.99

01:02:02.000 She told me, Allison, we can't be friends anymore because you're not a woman of God. 1.00

01:02:05.000 And I'm like, bitch, I was fucking confirmed. 1.00

01:02:08.000 You should have just started kissing her. 1.00

01:02:09.000 Is that what I should have done? 1.00

01:02:10.000 Yeah, I should have just kissed her finger on shit. 1.00

01:02:12.000 Checked her oil. 1.00

01:02:13.000 Say, shut up, bitch. 1.00

01:02:13.000 You want to taste your pussy? 1.00

01:02:14.000 Suck my fingers. 1.00

01:02:16.000 I should have said that. 1.00

01:02:18.000 Your pussy tastes like that. 1.00

01:02:19.000 You're a bad girl. 1.00

01:02:21.000 I am a bad girl. 0.50

01:02:22.000 She just went right with it. 1.00

01:02:24.000 Dirty little god-buffin bitch. 1.00

01:02:27.000 So how was the conclusion? 1.00

01:02:28.000 Did you guys break up?

01:02:29.000 No more friendies?

01:02:30.000 No more besties?

01:02:32.000 Yeah, I know.

01:02:33.000 We kind of met up, I guess, a year ago.

01:02:34.000 But this happened when we were 15. And I was like, are you fucking crazy now? 0.99

01:02:37.000 Whoa, 15? 1.00

01:02:37.000 She went God, huh? 1.00

01:02:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:39.000 Self-righteous little cunt? 1.00

01:02:40.000 Yeah, it was weird. 1.00

01:02:41.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:02:42.000 You don't know what the fuck is up when you're 15. I know, right? 1.00

01:02:45.000 You did go to Catholic school?

01:02:46.000 Yeah, I went to Catholic school for like four years.

01:02:49.000 Catholic school is rough.

01:02:51.000 So much guilt and strain and stress.

01:02:53.000 And so many people that come from guilt and strain and stress have their kids in there. 0.99

01:02:57.000 So there's fucking strain in the home. 1.00

01:02:59.000 A lot of fucking, a lot of just repression. 1.00

01:03:02.000 It's one of the most depressing religions. 1.00

01:03:04.000 Yeah, I didn't like it at all.

01:03:05.000 We used to go to confession for once a week, and I'm like, I'm not doing this.

01:03:09.000 I got kicked out in ninth grade, so I went to public school.

01:03:12.000 Religion, they would have got me if I was with the Mormons or something like that. 1.00

01:03:16.000 Or someone fun.

01:03:16.000 Someone who looks like they have a good time.

01:03:18.000 I have friends that are Mormons when they go to church.

01:03:20.000 It's like basically you're sitting around with a bunch of people's families, you say some nice things about God, and you leave. 0.99

01:03:25.000 Nobody feels like shit. 1.00

01:03:27.000 Nobody feels like a fucking sinner, like a piece of shit. 1.00

01:03:29.000 I talked to two Mormons maybe like a couple months ago while they were walking around and I was on a jog. 1.00

01:03:34.000 We started talking and I said, oh, you guys don't ever have like a time to relax, go see a movie or whatever.

01:03:38.000 And they're like, no, we can only rest for seven hours on Wednesday.

01:03:41.000 And that's what we do our laundry. 0.56

01:03:42.000 But the rest of the time we're scouting around and knocking on people's doors.

01:03:45.000 I'm like, well, okay, you're talking about missionaries.

01:03:48.000 Yeah, the people on the missions.

01:03:50.000 Yeah, this isn't like, you know, everybody doesn't have to do that.

01:03:52.000 Only some of them do that?

01:03:53.000 No, these are just the people that want to like go and recruit people.

01:03:56.000 Yeah.

01:03:57.000 And then I think they call them elders or something like that.

01:03:59.000 Elder, he's like, my name's Elder John.

01:04:01.000 I'm like, what's your real name? 0.64

01:04:02.000 How fucking hilarious is a young dude coming up to you calling himself Elder? 1.00

01:04:07.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:04:08.000 Pretty hot. 1.00

01:04:09.000 This person that I know that is a Mormon...

01:04:12.000 Just recently, they've completely abandoned it.

01:04:15.000 So it's been kind of fascinating.

01:04:16.000 So they had some things happen to them in their life, and they just decided the religion really doesn't make sense anymore.

01:04:21.000 It's kind of weird.

01:04:22.000 It's weird when that happens, man, when all of a sudden someone just goes, oh, what was I doing?

01:04:27.000 Like, I knew people that used to be Christians, like were super, super Christian, and then they just kind of...

01:04:32.000 Lightened up on it a bit.

01:04:34.000 Like Rampage Jackson at one point in time wouldn't swear.

01:04:37.000 Wouldn't stop swearing.

01:04:38.000 Didn't want to have premarital sex so he got married. 0.95

01:04:40.000 The whole deal went super full blown Christian. 0.63

01:04:43.000 So that was just the girl making him do that probably? 0.50

01:04:45.000 I don't know.

01:04:46.000 I don't know man.

01:04:47.000 I think at some point in time people get real nervous and they really want to believe that there's an answer. 0.98

01:04:52.000 You know, they really want to believe that someone's got a book from 3,000 years ago with all the shit in it. 0.99

01:04:57.000 It's all in here, man. 0.99

01:04:58.000 It's all in here.

01:04:58.000 You can live a perfect life.

01:05:00.000 And if you're around people that really truly believe it, here's the deal, man. 0.99

01:05:03.000 It fucking works. 0.98

01:05:04.000 If you're around someone who's a real true practicing Christian, I mean, think about what that is. 0.99

01:05:09.000 For a real true practicing Christian, you are just doing Christian things. 0.97

01:05:13.000 You're trying to be loving and love your neighbor and do charitable things for your community.

01:05:17.000 I mean, that's really what it's supposed to be all about.

01:05:19.000 And if you do that, that really will make you a happier person.

01:05:23.000 So it does work. 0.97

01:05:25.000 Even though the reason why it works is because you're tricking yourself into believing that this 2,000-year-old book written by people who thought the world was flat and the sun was 17 miles away has all the fucking answers. 0.99

01:05:36.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95

01:05:37.000 But the fact that if you believe in something like that, it's like a placebo effect for your life. 0.76

01:05:42.000 Yeah, I was actually at work, and one of my bosses, he's a pastor also, and he hands me that Rick Warren's book.

01:05:48.000 What is that?

01:05:49.000 It's like Rick Warren's The Chosen Path.

01:05:51.000 It's a Catholic or a Christian book that a pastor wrote.

01:05:54.000 It's like one of the best-selling books ever.

01:05:56.000 Really?

01:05:57.000 Yeah.

01:05:57.000 The crazy ones are...

01:06:00.000 Is it two guys? 0.99

01:06:02.000 They have some whole fucking whole series of... 0.97

01:06:05.000 Of like super, super, super popular books, but it's all about like the apocalypse. 0.97

01:06:09.000 Oh, I don't know.

01:06:10.000 You don't know about this?

01:06:11.000 Rick Warren.

01:06:12.000 I think there's a group of two guys, and they're like the best-selling authors in America, and people don't even know about them.

01:06:18.000 God, I've got to find this out right now.

01:06:20.000 I hate when this happens.

01:06:22.000 Did you read the religious book?

01:06:24.000 No, he handed it to me, and I was like, what's this for?

01:06:27.000 And he's just like, I want you to read this.

01:06:30.000 And I'm like, well, I don't want to read this so you could have it back.

01:06:33.000 And he's like, why don't you want to read it?

01:06:35.000 It's just like, you know, briefing on the Bible and whatnot.

01:06:37.000 And I just told him, even though he's a pastor, like, I don't want to read this.

01:06:40.000 Listen, like, I'm at work right now.

01:06:42.000 I don't need to read this.

01:06:43.000 I'm not lost.

01:06:44.000 Here's the guys.

01:06:44.000 There's two guys named Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins.

01:06:48.000 And they write these books called The Left Behind Series.

01:06:52.000 And they made them into movies.

01:06:54.000 And I have two of them. 0.93

01:06:55.000 I have both of them because they're fucking awesome. 0.94

01:06:57.000 And they're with Kirk Cameron. 0.98

01:06:59.000 And it's all about how Jesus comes back and everybody dies. 1.00

01:07:02.000 But the Christians get taken to heaven and everybody here is fucked. 1.00

01:07:06.000 Do they believe this? 1.00

01:07:07.000 Or is this like fictional?

01:07:08.000 Oh yeah, they believe it.

01:07:09.000 This is the apocalypse. 1.00

01:07:10.000 This is the real shit. 1.00

01:07:11.000 God's going to come back and if you're not saved. 1.00

01:07:13.000 That's why these nutbags like Kirk Cameron... 1.00

01:07:15.000 That's why you see him talking to gangbangers and trying to get them to come to God. 0.99

01:07:21.000 He really believes that Jesus is going to just show up and everybody's going to be taken to heaven and everybody else is going to be stuck and fucked and left back behind here on earth in a godless world with no laws and all the good Christians will be gone. 0.98

01:07:34.000 And they'll be stuck. 0.98

01:07:34.000 He really believes that. 0.98

01:07:35.000 And these books are fucking huge, huge, huge sellers. 0.99

01:07:40.000 Like millions and millions of copies. 0.98

01:07:42.000 Some of the most successful books in America.

01:07:45.000 Some of the most successful fiction. 0.99

01:07:47.000 It's pretty crazy shit. 1.00

01:07:48.000 Or he's completely full of shit. 1.00

01:07:49.000 He's just dollar, dollar bills. 1.00

01:07:51.000 Well, I don't think so, man.

01:07:53.000 I think they started out probably...

01:07:55.000 I don't know, man. 1.00

01:07:56.000 You think they're full of shit completely? 1.00

01:07:57.000 Who knows, man? 1.00

01:07:58.000 I mean, look at all these people that ever get in trouble for, you know... 0.91

01:08:02.000 I think he's gay. 1.00

01:08:04.000 All these religious guys. 0.99

01:08:05.000 If I had to bet money on Kirk Cameron being gay or not gay... 0.95

01:08:08.000 Oh, dude, he had a perm when he was on Growing Pains.

01:08:12.000 Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.

01:08:13.000 So did...

01:08:14.000 I'm trying to think of somebody good.

01:08:16.000 I think Tommy Morrison made it out of perm at one point in time.

01:08:19.000 Wait a minute, he has AIDS. Bad... 0.98

01:08:21.000 Bad example.

01:08:25.000 But...

01:08:27.000 When I see him trying to convert people, I'm like, what are you running from, dude?

01:08:30.000 Why are you so into this?

01:08:31.000 What's that about?

01:08:32.000 Why is that consuming your humanism? 0.98

01:08:35.000 It's a gay thing. 1.00

01:08:37.000 Or money. 0.99

01:08:37.000 It's gay. 0.99

01:08:38.000 Gay money. 1.00

01:08:38.000 Gay and money? 1.00

01:08:39.000 You think so? 0.99

01:08:40.000 I don't know.

01:08:40.000 To me, it just seems like it's a smart thing that he's doing.

01:08:43.000 The same reason why there's clean comics. 1.00

01:08:45.000 You would say that, but this guy goes and has, like, debates against, like, scientists, and they look really stupid. 0.99

01:08:52.000 Him and his buddy. 1.00

01:08:53.000 He's got a buddy that has a... 1.00

01:08:55.000 I forget this fucking buddy's name. 1.00

01:08:56.000 His buddy's retarded. 1.00

01:08:57.000 Ray Comfort, okay? 0.93

01:08:58.000 And you ever seen the banana thing?

01:09:00.000 Right.

01:09:00.000 Where he says the banana was designed by God, and this is how he can prove it.

01:09:04.000 He shows that the banana fits in your hand, and he peels the banana and eats it, and shows this is an evolutionist nightmare, because this is clear evidence of creation, that God has created this fruit. 0.87

01:09:15.000 He fucking really meant that when he was saying it. 1.00

01:09:19.000 God created a dick. 1.00

01:09:20.000 It also fits in the hand. 1.00

01:09:22.000 It also gives you juice when you are thirsty after killing dinosaurs. 0.99

01:09:27.000 But no, he has to do that kind of shit in order for him to make this money, to be legit, to sell all these books. 1.00

01:09:33.000 He has to also do bullshit like that. 1.00

01:09:36.000 He would have to be a way better actor than he's capable of because these two guys are so dumb in these debates and they're so fascinating. 1.00

01:09:42.000 There's no way you could not believe what they're saying. 0.99

01:09:44.000 And say the things they're saying?

01:09:46.000 I don't think.

01:09:47.000 Unless it's like one big gigantic, you know, multi-decade hustle.

01:09:51.000 I don't think so. 0.96

01:09:51.000 I think they're just knuckleheads. 0.96

01:09:53.000 You know? 1.00

01:09:53.000 I think there's knuckleheads and they get married to an idea and then they just stick with that motherfucker. 1.00

01:09:57.000 Right. 1.00

01:09:58.000 Whether it makes sense or not.

01:09:59.000 But these dudes, these left behind dudes, I want to know what their circulation is.

01:10:04.000 I'm sure you do.

01:10:05.000 I do, baby.

01:10:06.000 What's their circulation? 1.00

01:10:11.000 Shit. 1.00

01:10:14.000 By the way, Oprah disclosed that her news was that she has a half-sister. 1.00

01:10:18.000 She didn't know that.

01:10:19.000 What?

01:10:20.000 That's news?

01:10:21.000 They make it all big. 0.97

01:10:22.000 How ridiculous is that? 0.91

01:10:24.000 How is that news? 0.98

01:10:26.000 I don't know.

01:10:27.000 Everything with Oprah's news, I mean, it's kind of like when you get put in that certain class of...

01:10:33.000 Why is that news?

01:10:35.000 Old black lady. 1.00

01:10:36.000 What is it? 0.92

01:10:37.000 That doesn't make any sense.

01:10:39.000 Yeah, it's very weird.

01:10:40.000 I can't find out how many books this thing sold. 0.74

01:10:43.000 Not quickly, but it was a fuckload, officially, a fuckload of books.

01:10:49.000 It's all about these people being left behind. 0.94

01:10:52.000 It's fucking awesome. 0.96

01:10:53.000 If you ever want to get blazed, then watch Kirk Cameron. 0.98

01:10:56.000 It rocks.

01:10:57.000 It's really good.

01:10:57.000 I'd rather watch Growing Pains blazed.

01:11:00.000 That would be good, too.

01:11:01.000 At least there's Tracy Gold in there, you know.

01:11:03.000 Let's get some Tracy Gold. 0.67

01:11:05.000 Have you been paying attention to what's going on in Yellowstone?

01:11:07.000 Mm-mm. 0.98

01:11:08.000 Yellowstone National Park, you know, has a caldera supervolcano that erupts every six to eight hundred thousand years and just fucking, it's a continent killer. 0.98

01:11:17.000 It kills like almost everything on the continent. 0.96

01:11:19.000 It'll kill like two-thirds of all living things on North America.

01:11:23.000 Well, the magma has been bulging, and it's got these bulging pocket swells where the earth is lifting.

01:11:32.000 And there's all these photos of them online, and they're starting to freak out.

01:11:38.000 When are we due?

01:11:38.000 How long have we been?

01:11:39.000 Well, they don't know.

01:11:40.000 Well, see, it's been about 600,000 years, so it really could happen.

01:11:44.000 They were concerned.

01:11:45.000 They said they were concerned for a while, but then they're not.

01:11:48.000 Now they're not anymore because it stopped doing what they were worried it could do.

01:11:52.000 But the bottom line is it's completely unpredictable.

01:11:55.000 They don't know when it can happen or why it happens or what causes it.

01:11:59.000 When they say it's a continent killer, like it could destroy the whole continent, is that like maximum and then the minimum is like, oh, it will ruin the Taco Bell next door?

01:12:09.000 Well, this is what it is, dude.

01:12:10.000 It's 300 kilometers wide.

01:12:14.000 Right.

01:12:14.000 And it's a super volcano, which means when it blows up, you know, Mount St. Helens is like a volcano, and then at the top, there's a small area where all the lava was shooting up in the air.

01:12:23.000 Well, this isn't like that.

01:12:25.000 What this is, is like the top part, but the top part is 160 miles wide.

01:12:31.000 Wow. 0.98

01:12:32.000 And it shoots straight up in the air like a fucking mile high wall of lava. 0.99

01:12:37.000 And then nuclear winter occurs because the entire surface of the earth gets covered in fucking ash. 0.98

01:12:44.000 Like no planes can fly. 0.99

01:12:45.000 Remember that little tiny baby ass volcano that blew up in Iceland and everybody got fucked? 0.98

01:12:50.000 Nobody can even fly anywhere. 0.99

01:12:51.000 But when this one blows, it's...

01:12:53.000 Do they do anything to, like, drill holes in it to release pressure?

01:12:59.000 No, no, no.

01:13:00.000 This is way too big. 1.00

01:13:01.000 You gotta move to Australia, bitch. 1.00

01:13:03.000 Move to Australia and have some canned food waiting. 1.00

01:13:06.000 Seriously.

01:13:06.000 Yeah.

01:13:07.000 If that motherfucker goes, if that motherfucker goes, it's going to go. 1.00

01:13:11.000 We probably won't be able to do anything. 1.00

01:13:13.000 You probably won't be able to get out in time.

01:13:14.000 If we find out, like, tomorrow that Yellowstone's going to blow, what are we going to do?

01:13:18.000 Where are we going to go?

01:13:18.000 Are we going to go to San Diego?

01:13:19.000 That's why I keep that in my car, Joe.

01:13:21.000 My emergency kit.

01:13:22.000 Your emergency kit?

01:13:23.000 Okay.

01:13:23.000 I hope that thing has a motorboat in it.

01:13:25.000 Because you're going to have to get the fuck out of the shop. 0.92

01:13:27.000 That's what it should put in there. 0.94

01:13:28.000 That's a good idea.

01:13:28.000 Get one of those rafts.

01:13:29.000 Those, like, blow up rafts.

01:13:30.000 Sure, because in Australia, when these crazy floods hit, there were sharks in the street.

01:13:37.000 Sharks, yeah.

01:13:38.000 People spotted sharks, bull sharks, swimming down the street.

01:13:41.000 That's how much water there was in Australia.

01:13:43.000 What would you do?

01:13:44.000 Some guns. 0.96

01:13:45.000 If you knew molten lava was just coming and there was no escape, would you let it get you or would you kill yourself?

01:13:49.000 It's not even that. 1.00

01:13:51.000 The molten lava is going to fuck you. 1.00

01:13:52.000 Yeah, that's bad. 1.00

01:13:53.000 Molten lava is terrible.

01:13:54.000 But it's all the other stuff that's going to get you too. 1.00

01:13:56.000 The toxic rain, the fucking shit in the air where it fills your lungs up and kills you. 1.00

01:14:02.000 Like a lot of animals, they found all these woolly mammoths and they were all dead. 1.00

01:14:06.000 And they were dead in this mass field of them.

01:14:10.000 And one of the things they found was that their lungs were all filled with soot.

01:14:14.000 Oh, wow.

01:14:14.000 Like, their lungs were filled with, like, volcanic ash.

01:14:17.000 And so what happened was, they just got caught in some big volcano eruption, and they just breathed in all that smoke, and it literally, like, turned their lungs into rocks.

01:14:27.000 Oh, my God.

01:14:27.000 And they just died.

01:14:28.000 You know, you get lungs filled with volcanic ash, and it's like volcanic rocks, you know, basically, in your body.

01:14:34.000 That's terrible.

01:14:34.000 It's terrible, yeah.

01:14:35.000 It cuts off your air.

01:14:36.000 You can't breathe. 1.00

01:14:37.000 I mean, the air is thick with this shit, and they all died. 1.00

01:14:40.000 I wouldn't. 1.00

01:14:41.000 Have you ever thought to get one of those chemical masks that you can get at surplus stores?

01:14:44.000 Dude, when you need that chemical mask, everybody's dead anyway.

01:14:48.000 If you needed that, what are you going to do?

01:14:49.000 Are you going to be Mad Max?

01:14:51.000 Are you going to be out there on your own?

01:14:52.000 Go walk around and help some dead ladies and grab some wallets. 1.00

01:14:56.000 I don't know, man.

01:14:57.000 At a certain point in time, you've got to say night and night.

01:14:59.000 If there really is a heaven or a hell, and I did kill myself in that situation, I hope that they'd be like, it's okay, we get it.

01:15:05.000 No, see, they don't.

01:15:06.000 They won't get it.

01:15:07.000 There's no exception to that.

01:15:08.000 You can't kill yourself. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Kill yourself before you suffocate to death or molten lava attacks your body. 0.99

01:15:13.000 Well, molten lava probably gets you really quick. 1.00

01:15:18.000 I mean, if you fell in...

01:15:19.000 I bet if you fell in a volcano, it would take like one second.

01:15:21.000 You would just disappear.

01:15:23.000 Have you seen that movie, Volcano?

01:15:24.000 Is that what that's called?

01:15:24.000 I mean, how long could you last?

01:15:26.000 That's what they used to do, man. 0.89

01:15:27.000 In Hawaii, people were douchebags. 1.00

01:15:29.000 They throw them in fucking Pele. 1.00

01:15:30.000 They throw them in a volcano, man. 1.00

01:15:32.000 Really? 1.00

01:15:32.000 That's how they got rid of cunts. 1.00

01:15:33.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:15:34.000 That's how they get rid of people.

01:15:36.000 That's how they execute them.

01:15:37.000 Oh, my God.

01:15:37.000 Back in the day, son.

01:15:39.000 Dizay. 0.99

01:15:39.000 Back when motherfuckers were wearing straw skirts, you know what I'm saying? 0.99

01:15:43.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:15:44.000 Throwing spears at animals and shit. 1.00

01:15:46.000 Oh. 1.00

01:15:46.000 Sacrifice to the gods. 1.00

01:15:48.000 Wild pigs and shit. 1.00

01:15:49.000 That'd be a wild place to live. 1.00

01:15:52.000 Throwing people in a volcano.

01:15:53.000 There was this documentary on lost tribes and all these different people that are still living like they lived thousands of years ago all over the world. 0.98

01:16:04.000 And I was watching it and I was thinking to myself, man, what the fuck would I do if it all went back to this? 0.91

01:16:10.000 Would I even want to go back to this? 0.99

01:16:13.000 Like, what if society ended and all of a sudden you're making bows and arrows out of fucking bamboo trees and making your own twine and you're trying to feed your family by hunting food? 1.00

01:16:22.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:16:23.000 Really? 1.00

01:16:24.000 That'd be okay.

01:16:25.000 What?

01:16:25.000 Why?

01:16:26.000 Why would you think that?

01:16:27.000 I don't know.

01:16:28.000 It'd be fun.

01:16:29.000 It'd be fun for a week and then you're like, I'm fucking hungry and there's nothing to eat around here except this bird that won't sit still and I need to make a... 0.85

01:16:38.000 Well, guess what? 0.79

01:16:39.000 There's not that many animals.

01:16:40.000 It's not nearly as many as you would need to sustain a population.

01:16:44.000 We think of, we'll go hunting.

01:16:46.000 Well, there's no animals to hunt anymore.

01:16:49.000 It's not like it used to be 300 years ago where you could go anywhere near here and there'd be deer everywhere and all sorts of other animals to eat like that. 0.99

01:16:56.000 We pushed all those bitches out. 1.00

01:16:57.000 There's like nothing left. 1.00

01:16:59.000 Occasionally you'll see a deer in Hollywood. 0.99

01:17:02.000 You ever drive up Laurel Canyon and see a deer family and shit? 0.99

01:17:04.000 It's a trip. 0.98

01:17:05.000 It's like, wow, you guys are still here, huh?

01:17:08.000 I was asking you that yesterday if you ever see deer around here.

01:17:10.000 It seems very empty.

01:17:12.000 I see deers and coyotes. 1.00

01:17:13.000 We'd be fucked. 1.00

01:17:14.000 We'd have to start eating each other. 1.00

01:17:16.000 Probably.

01:17:17.000 No, definitely.

01:17:18.000 Dogs first, then people.

01:17:20.000 There's no other food. 1.00

01:17:21.000 How many fucking cows are there around here? 1.00

01:17:25.000 If you've got no more cars, okay? 1.00

01:17:26.000 Cars don't work anymore.

01:17:27.000 Let's just get crazy.

01:17:28.000 Right?

01:17:29.000 What are you going to do?

01:17:30.000 You've got no phones.

01:17:31.000 You're going to start eating people.

01:17:33.000 Right?

01:17:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:35.000 And then you're going to probably kill yourself. 1.00

01:17:36.000 You're going to try to figure out a way to kill yourself after you've eaten a few people and you feel bad. 1.00

01:17:40.000 Yeah, definitely. 0.98

01:17:41.000 Yeah.

01:17:43.000 I couldn't eat a person? 0.97

01:17:44.000 Would you rather die? 1.00

01:17:46.000 Yeah, I would kill myself before I eat a person. 1.00

01:17:48.000 Speaking of killing yourself, this fucking bath salts thing. 1.00

01:17:52.000 Have you heard about this? 1.00

01:17:53.000 Yeah, I have.

01:17:55.000 That's craziness.

01:17:56.000 This is, for the folks that haven't heard, and this is not a joke.

01:17:58.000 This isn't The Onion, okay?

01:18:00.000 This is The Huffington Post, which is sometimes almost as funny as The Onion, but in a different way.

01:18:05.000 Anyway, this is, what they're saying is that there's chemicals that are sold as bath salts, and people are taking these and they're getting high with them.

01:18:14.000 And it's making people like... 1.00

01:18:16.000 Crazy, suicidal, doing nutty shit. 1.00

01:18:19.000 Like this one guy took a skinning knife, it says, slit his face and stomach repeatedly. 0.99

01:18:24.000 He survived, but other people haven't been lucky as they've been snorting, injecting, and snorting powders such as innocuous sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove, and Vanilla Sky. 0.99

01:18:36.000 So it basically turns you into some fucking homicidal, suicidal maniac. 0.99

01:18:41.000 Right? 1.00

01:18:41.000 That's crazy. 1.00

01:18:42.000 Who was the first person to do that?

01:18:43.000 Yeah, right? 1.00

01:18:44.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:18:44.000 I mean, what is it about people that we are so desperate to change our state of consciousness? 1.00

01:18:51.000 So desperate to get drunk or high or... 1.00

01:18:54.000 Speaking of which, you're a fucking drunk cast. 1.00

01:18:57.000 Okay? 1.00

01:18:57.000 I've been meaning to do this intervention and do it on the air. 1.00

01:19:00.000 Oh God, is this what it is?

01:19:02.000 Because this is an intervention.

01:19:03.000 I need to talk to the both of you.

01:19:05.000 Okay, you can't drink like that that often.

01:19:07.000 No, we don't do it. 0.92

01:19:08.000 You're going to die and you're going to die on camera. 1.00

01:19:11.000 You're going to have fucking liver failure on camera and that's going to be a sad show. 1.00

01:19:15.000 We waited like 10 days between the both. 1.00

01:19:17.000 Well, you're fine. 1.00

01:19:17.000 This motherfucker calls me like, you got me sick. 1.00

01:19:19.000 I got you sick, dude. 1.00

01:19:21.000 I saw you fucking shit face slurring hammered on the Ustream. 1.00

01:19:26.000 Bottle of Jägermeister. 1.00

01:19:27.000 Yeah, a whole bottle of Jägermeister. 0.92

01:19:28.000 You're blaming me for you being sick. 1.00

01:19:30.000 Shut the fuck up, man. 1.00

01:19:32.000 We both were sick. 1.00

01:19:32.000 Yeah, you both should be sick, you crazy fucks. 1.00

01:19:35.000 Those are nuts. 1.00

01:19:36.000 Still sick. 0.97

01:19:36.000 So what they do is, for the folks at home that do not know about this, they do this thing called the Drunk Cast. 0.97

01:19:41.000 He calls it Blackout Cast or Drunk Cast.

01:19:43.000 And he's done it a few times.

01:19:45.000 Sometimes they do it and they watch the UFC, which is pretty cool.

01:19:47.000 They watch the fights and then while the fights are going on, all these comics are commentating on it.

01:19:52.000 It's really funny.

01:19:53.000 You know, like Joey's over there and Sam Tripoli and Tebe. 0.98

01:19:56.000 And, well, the latest thing is they drink a whole fucking bottle of Jaeger and just get completely smashed. 0.98

01:20:03.000 In like an hour, too. 0.99

01:20:05.000 Oh, yeah.

01:20:05.000 It was not like...

01:20:07.000 See, the problem is we've done two of the blackout cast, which is where we take a whole bottle and we start going crazy.

01:20:12.000 First one was the Jaegermeister bottle.

01:20:15.000 And we did that in like an hour.

01:20:16.000 And then don't remember the last half of it.

01:20:19.000 Don't remember the next day for the first couple hours.

01:20:21.000 Yeah.

01:20:21.000 You know, I don't remember anything.

01:20:23.000 Then the second one, we did...

01:20:25.000 What does it feel like when you watch the video?

01:20:26.000 Oh, it's hilarious.

01:20:27.000 That one was funny because it was...

01:20:29.000 I can't believe it.

01:20:30.000 Yeah.

01:20:30.000 But the last one was so bad, you took it down.

01:20:32.000 Well, I'm debating on it.

01:20:34.000 Because the problem was, is the UFC drunk cast was right before it.

01:20:38.000 And we got sloshed on the drunk cast.

01:20:40.000 Like, we were wasted at the end of the last one.

01:20:43.000 And then we decided like an hour later, hey, we're still drinking.

01:20:48.000 Let's do a blackout cast. 0.64

01:20:50.000 It was bad.

01:20:50.000 But then we were so wasted that we couldn't even think of what to drink.

01:20:55.000 So we were drinking coconut water with vodka.

01:20:57.000 We were doing just like straight Morgans.

01:21:00.000 That actually sounds good.

01:21:01.000 It was really good.

01:21:01.000 It was actually good.

01:21:02.000 Coconut water and vodka sounds good.

01:21:03.000 Did you do it over the rocks?

01:21:05.000 Yeah.

01:21:06.000 It was good.

01:21:07.000 It took off the edge of the vodka.

01:21:09.000 It was great.

01:21:10.000 I want one of those.

01:21:10.000 But we had Jaeger, vodka, beer, and Captain Morgan's.

01:21:16.000 And we're drinking all this mixed up.

01:21:17.000 Mixes two days in a row.

01:21:18.000 So two days in a row you're basically drinking.

01:21:20.000 The broadcast is when?

01:21:22.000 No, that was an hour before we started this blackout.

01:21:24.000 So it's the same day.

01:21:25.000 It was an hour after.

01:21:26.000 So we did two podcasts in the same day.

01:21:27.000 Right.

01:21:28.000 Oh, I thought it was the day before. 0.98

01:21:30.000 Oh my god, that's ridiculous. 1.00

01:21:31.000 Oh, you poor fuck. 1.00

01:21:32.000 I don't think we should post it because we just got so unsocial also. 1.00

01:21:36.000 This is an impersonation of most of the Blackout one. 0.95

01:21:40.000 I don't know.

01:21:42.000 That's him.

01:21:43.000 Seriously.

01:21:44.000 Good.

01:21:45.000 Leave it. 0.95

01:21:45.000 Leave it up, dude. 0.95

01:21:46.000 Leave it up.

01:21:47.000 That's important, man.

01:21:48.000 That's part of the entertainment.

01:21:50.000 Listen, that's part of the entertainment value.

01:21:52.000 People don't have to watch it.

01:21:53.000 You're not forcing them.

01:21:54.000 You're not charging them for it.

01:21:55.000 It's up there.

01:21:56.000 Leave it up there.

01:21:56.000 Maybe I'll put the audio up, but the video.

01:21:58.000 The video's not.

01:21:59.000 The video's okay.

01:22:00.000 How about this?

01:22:01.000 How about we take the video and record you guys doing commentary?

01:22:06.000 That would be funny.

01:22:07.000 That would be funny.

01:22:07.000 Yeah, have it playing on and then get it to a certain point where it's like where you're just not even talking anymore and then just start explaining things.

01:22:16.000 This is what was going through my head.

01:22:19.000 Should I puke now?

01:22:21.000 Can I hold it in or can I get to the bathroom? 0.96

01:22:23.000 You tried puking on camera.

01:22:24.000 Yeah, I tried.

01:22:25.000 There was a part where I was puking in a bag and then she ended up puking. 0.94

01:22:30.000 Well, you ended up licking his fleshlight. 0.99

01:22:32.000 You should have thrown up. 0.97

01:22:33.000 That was at the UFC drunk cast.

01:22:34.000 She did that. 0.99

01:22:35.000 That was how drunk she was at the UFC drunk cast. 0.71

01:22:37.000 I mean, we really were bad that last one.

01:22:42.000 I don't know if I can...

01:22:42.000 I think the secret is starting off completely sober and then drinking a whole bottle in an hour or something.

01:22:48.000 Did the porn stars touch your flashlight?

01:22:50.000 No, they were like, I'm not going to touch that.

01:22:53.000 Wow, that's hilarious. 0.99

01:22:54.000 The girl's picking shit out of her teeth with her fingernails. 1.00

01:22:57.000 And she said, I'm too good for your flashlight. 1.00

01:23:01.000 And then Allison kissed it.

01:23:04.000 It was clean, right?

01:23:06.000 It was clean, right?

01:23:08.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:23:09.000 Listen, it's washed, but the bottom line is, well, it's like shaking hands with a dude. 1.00

01:23:14.000 If you shake hands with a dude, you're basically touching his dick, because every guy touches his dick. 0.99

01:23:18.000 And the odds of him having washed his hands after he touched his dick, before he touches your hands, they're like 70% against. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Most of the time, when you're not around, we're always grabbing our dicks and moving it around, or grabbing our balls. 0.99

01:23:31.000 You shake a guy's hand, you're touching his balls. 0.99

01:23:33.000 There's one point in the drunk cast, which is this, this is true. 1.00

01:23:38.000 Well, you kiss a girl, you're sucking someone's dick. 1.00

01:23:39.000 I don't think I ever told you this. 1.00

01:23:41.000 This is a true story, a crazy story.

01:23:43.000 So I used to work at this Mexican restaurant, and I was a waiter.

01:23:46.000 And the waitresses were, there was one 18-year-old waitress and like three 17-year-old waitresses. 1.00

01:23:52.000 They're all fucking hot, and they all had a crush on me. 0.99

01:23:55.000 We need some porno music. 1.00

01:23:56.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:57.000 And so anyways, I started having sex with the 18-year-old hostess. 1.00

01:24:01.000 Damn, look at you. 1.00

01:24:02.000 A playa. 1.00

01:24:03.000 Back in the day.

01:24:04.000 She had a party once where she invited all the hostesses and so was me, her, and like three other hostesses. 1.00

01:24:10.000 We're all getting wasted drinking.

01:24:11.000 I bought them alcohol because that's what I like to do.

01:24:14.000 Yeah.

01:24:15.000 But anyways...

01:24:16.000 The party starter's here.

01:24:17.000 I was like, how can I make out with all these, take advantage of all these girls at the same time?

01:24:22.000 And so I thought up this idea where I took Saram Wrap and I would put it in between my mouth and the girl's mouth and go, if you want to make out, you're not touching me. 0.98

01:24:31.000 So we can pretty much make out as much as you want and it will feel real. 0.95

01:24:35.000 They were like, holy shit, that's awesome. 0.97

01:24:37.000 And so I would just start making out. 0.98

01:24:38.000 How old were you?

01:24:39.000 He was 18, right?

01:24:40.000 That's kind of weird.

01:24:40.000 I was 18, 19. And they were 18?

01:24:42.000 And they fell for this?

01:24:43.000 That's a good 13-year-old move.

01:24:44.000 No, no, no.

01:24:46.000 And what was great is like I would, on a couple of the girls, I had a little hole in the thing that I'd find my tongue through. 0.98

01:24:51.000 And they wouldn't notice because it felt, it feels real.

01:24:53.000 That's so good. 0.95

01:24:54.000 And then I started taking saran wrap, putting on my hands, being like, I could touch your boobs because I'm not actually touching your boobs. 0.99

01:24:59.000 That's like a serial killer. 0.99

01:25:00.000 Yeah.

01:25:02.000 That was hilarious.

01:25:03.000 It's a good move.

01:25:04.000 Yeah, and so I did that.

01:25:05.000 We were so drunk, I started doing that on...

01:25:07.000 Tell me more about this move.

01:25:09.000 So the girls let you do that? 0.99

01:25:10.000 Yeah, oh yeah. 1.00

01:25:11.000 Did they pull their tits out? 1.00

01:25:12.000 All of them, no. 1.00

01:25:13.000 It was up the shirt, making out, and...

01:25:15.000 Up the shirt.

01:25:16.000 So raw tit, and you just have...

01:25:19.000 What was so funny is...

01:25:22.000 It's that the girls could feel when I put my hand up with the plastic on, like it was like not like half plastic.

01:25:27.000 Like the ceramic wrap wasn't covering my hand half the time.

01:25:29.000 Of course.

01:25:30.000 And they knew that.

01:25:30.000 And it was just like, dude, this move is awesome.

01:25:33.000 30 girls.

01:25:33.000 Meanwhile, Julian Assange is in jail for rape for way less than that.

01:25:38.000 Right.

01:25:38.000 And so then...

01:25:39.000 Then the one girl I was fucking with, I went and had sex with her later that night, and the other girls passed out in the living room. 1.00

01:25:47.000 I came out, and this one girl was still awake, horny, and she called me over, and we started making out, and we had sex in there, and then it led to sex, even. 0.98

01:25:55.000 So I think you started a competition by feeling up all these girls and being the only male. 0.97

01:26:02.000 You started a competition.

01:26:03.000 You created an unfair game.

01:26:05.000 Very smart move.

01:26:07.000 Give me a pound.

01:26:09.000 That was strong.

01:26:09.000 So I pulled the move on Allison.

01:26:11.000 That's hilarious.

01:26:11.000 Didn't it feel real?

01:26:12.000 It feels real, right?

01:26:13.000 Yeah, it does.

01:26:14.000 It felt completely real.

01:26:15.000 Pulled the move on Allison? 1.00

01:26:17.000 I was like, we shouldn't make out.

01:26:19.000 He's like, I'll use Saran Wrap.

01:26:20.000 I'm like, okay.

01:26:21.000 I guess that works.

01:26:22.000 Why don't you just use condoms? 0.99

01:26:23.000 You don't even really fucking... 1.00

01:26:24.000 That's what you're pretty much doing. 0.99

01:26:25.000 It's like face condoms and hand condoms.

01:26:29.000 Wow, pitch that to Trojan.

01:26:30.000 Yeah, if you had a really strong plastic, like a really strong one, and you could put your whole body and cover your entire body in this sheet of plastic.

01:26:38.000 Sure, let's try it out.

01:26:39.000 Look, I can show you how real it feels.

01:26:41.000 You want to make out through the bung?

01:26:42.000 Through the volcano bag?

01:26:44.000 Joe.

01:26:44.000 How dare you?

01:26:45.000 On today's big thing, that website I said earlier, they have this thing where it's called the creepiest man alive, and he blows himself up in balloons, and he like sits in there and hangs out.

01:26:54.000 He makes balloon suits.

01:26:56.000 Balloon suits.

01:26:56.000 I would not say he's the creepiest man alive.

01:26:58.000 If you think that's the creepiest guy alive, you need to get online more.

01:27:01.000 That's what it's titled.

01:27:02.000 That's the title. 0.99

01:27:03.000 They're just being silly. 0.95

01:27:04.000 It's not really the creepiest man. 0.86

01:27:06.000 That would be hilarious if I lived in a balloon and invited girls into my balloon. 1.00

01:27:10.000 The best thing ever, that's what it's called?

01:27:13.000 Todaysbigthing.com.

01:27:14.000 Todaysbigthing.com. 0.96

01:27:15.000 You can never fucking keep track of all these sites. 0.99

01:27:17.000 There's always so many goddamn sites. 0.99

01:27:19.000 Very good one. 0.99

01:27:22.000 Todaysbigthing.com.

01:27:22.000 Is the internet ever going to run out of website addresses?

01:27:26.000 I don't know.

01:27:27.000 No, because they'll just start adding more dots, dots, dots, dots. 0.93

01:27:30.000 Yeah, it's always weird when you go like.ru, you know, like, hey, are you trying to fucking, what are you trying to do? 0.96

01:27:37.000 Are you trying to give me a virus? 0.99

01:27:38.000 Jack my shit? 1.00

01:27:40.000 If I look at like a Russian website, I go, ooh, like Romania. 1.00

01:27:43.000 I was reading this thing and I believe it was in Wired.

01:27:47.000 About this one area of Romania that has just a gigantic percentage of the world's hackers. 0.91

01:27:53.000 And they're all driving around like Mercedes-Benz's.

01:27:56.000 They're all young, loud-mouthed kids.

01:27:59.000 They're just hackers. 0.96

01:28:00.000 Just jacking people.

01:28:01.000 All these scams.

01:28:03.000 How many times a week do you get, dear sirs, I need help from you. 0.99

01:28:08.000 And in exchange, you will have access to my grandfather's fortune of whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

01:28:14.000 And this is what I need you to do. 0.92

01:28:15.000 How many of those do you get?

01:28:15.000 Dude, I got one today that was so hilarious.

01:28:18.000 It was from Microsoft Xbox Award Show Soccer at Gmail or something like that.

01:28:26.000 And it says, oh my goodness, you have won the grand prize of the Microsoft Word National Holiday, something like that, sponsored by soccer.

01:28:36.000 Do you have it?

01:28:36.000 Can you pull it up?

01:28:37.000 Yeah.

01:28:37.000 Let me see if I can pull it up.

01:28:38.000 It says it's from Africa.

01:28:39.000 Oh, those are the best.

01:28:41.000 Hilarious.

01:28:41.000 I marked it as spam.

01:28:42.000 And they're from Nigeria.

01:28:43.000 Yeah.

01:28:44.000 I wonder if I can get that.

01:28:45.000 I don't even know. 1.00

01:28:45.000 Give a fuck in Nigeria. 1.00

01:28:46.000 It's like you're the winner of Microsoft. 1.00

01:28:48.000 Nigeria is the wild, wild west. 1.00

01:28:50.000 Wild, wild west.

01:28:50.000 But I loved how they were throwing in so many keywords that even if my mom saw it, she'd probably be like, well, it is from Microsoft Word, you know?

01:28:59.000 Hold on, right here we go.

01:29:01.000 Spam. 1.00

01:29:05.000 Shit, did I delete that? 1.00

01:29:06.000 So it came in as spam? 0.97

01:29:07.000 No, it came into my inbox, but I think I marked it as spam, so I don't know what happens to that. 0.98

01:29:12.000 Check your trash. 0.98

01:29:13.000 I did check it.

01:29:13.000 It's not there.

01:29:16.000 I don't have it anymore.

01:29:17.000 Oh, Brian.

01:29:18.000 I literally just put it on.

01:29:21.000 Oh, here it is.

01:29:22.000 No, I got it.

01:29:23.000 Right here.

01:29:24.000 I got a whole section I saved in my email.

01:29:27.000 The wording on this.

01:29:28.000 All right, here it is.

01:29:29.000 It's from Microsoft2011gmail at fifaworldcuplottery.com.

01:29:38.000 It says, Dear winner, please check the attachment below.

01:29:43.000 Dear winner, Microsoft Corporation Management worldwide are pleased to inform you that you are a winner of your annual Microsoft Word lottery conducted in Africa, being the host of the present FIFA World Cup Mega Jackpot winning program.

01:30:02.000 Your personal Gmail address or company email attached to the Microsoft Word with serial number, you are a lucky number, and you won.

01:30:11.000 You've therefore been approved for lump sums of 1.1900,000...

01:30:21.000 Payable in cash, credited to file number, BT something, from total prize money of 50 million United States dollars.

01:30:31.000 Whatever.

01:30:32.000 What are they asking for?

01:30:33.000 It says, all participants were selected from Gmail worldwide websites throughout our Microsoft computer ballot system, drawing from 21,000 names.

01:30:43.000 Blah, blah, blah.

01:30:45.000 So what do they need you to do?

01:30:46.000 Yeah.

01:30:47.000 So then it says, it gives some phone numbers, and it gives some emails, which would be great if we could call this person right now.

01:30:54.000 Oh, that'd be hilarious.

01:30:56.000 It says, it must be claimed.

01:30:58.000 I have to fill out this thing in order to avoid mistakes.

01:31:01.000 Yeah, well, okay, what do you have to do?

01:31:02.000 Do you need to give them money?

01:31:03.000 Like, what do they ask for?

01:31:04.000 No, it says name, address, nationality, sex, age, occupation, um, No, it looks like I just have to call this person back, and that's when they start asking for numbers.

01:31:12.000 Yeah, and they probably, when they get all that information, like name and all that jazz, they probably zoom in on you.

01:31:17.000 Then they do an internet search for you. 0.99

01:31:19.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

01:31:20.000 And then they just start targeting you and going after you. 1.00

01:31:22.000 I like this.

01:31:22.000 It says, lottery sponsors, chief sponsors, Microsoft corporations.

01:31:26.000 And then it shows photos of all these pictures of people winning state lotteries.

01:31:31.000 That's hilarious. 0.83

01:31:32.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous. 0.92

01:31:34.000 I get a bunch of different kinds. 0.98

01:31:36.000 Some of them, it's a different kind of scam.

01:31:39.000 This is one I got the other day. 1.00

01:31:42.000 I don't know who the fuck this guy is. 0.99

01:31:43.000 It says Ryan Keegan. 0.99

01:31:45.000 I have no idea.

01:31:45.000 I don't know any Ryan Keegans.

01:31:47.000 Hey, how you doing?

01:31:48.000 I made a trip to London two days back.

01:31:50.000 Got mugged at gunpoint last night.

01:31:52.000 All cash, credit card, and phone was stolen.

01:31:54.000 I got messed up in another country.

01:31:56.000 I'm stranded in London.

01:31:58.000 It's a bitter experience, and I was hurt on my right hand, but I think I'd be just fine.

01:32:03.000 I'm sending you this message because I don't want anyone to panic.

01:32:07.000 I want you to keep it that way for now.

01:32:09.000 My return flight leaves in a few hours, but I'm having trouble sorting out my hotel bills, wondering if you loan me some dollars to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport.

01:32:19.000 About $2,500.

01:32:22.000 I've been to the embassy, but they aren't helping issues.

01:32:24.000 I have limited means of getting out of here, so I really need your help.

01:32:28.000 That's insane.

01:32:29.000 But I guess he sends this to like, you know, I guess you send this to like a million people and you get a few bites.

01:32:35.000 Right.

01:32:36.000 You know, and all you need is a few bites.

01:32:37.000 If you could do this with a computer, if a computer can generate a whole gigantic email list that you can steal from something or buy, like a lot of them, I bet you can buy them.

01:32:45.000 You know, I mean, there's a bunch of different corporations for sure.

01:32:48.000 Like they've gone on a business and you ordered something online and they sell your email address and they have a database.

01:32:53.000 They sell their database. 1.00

01:32:54.000 It just amazes me that they're all so stupid sounding. 1.00

01:33:00.000 Let's talk about what we talked about earlier. 1.00

01:33:02.000 The waitress that wouldn't shut the fuck up that Joey Diaz had to give an ear beating to. 1.00

01:33:06.000 If you took that woman and all of a sudden she gets this email. 0.99

01:33:11.000 Who are you?

01:33:13.000 Where do we know each other from?

01:33:15.000 They should add something like, hey, have you seen Black Swan yet?

01:33:17.000 That was awesome.

01:33:18.000 No, he gets...

01:33:19.000 No, he's stuck in London, man.

01:33:21.000 You got time to talk about Black Swan.

01:33:22.000 Do you like Microsoft Word?

01:33:24.000 Me too.

01:33:24.000 Anyways, I need money.

01:33:25.000 He gets one old retired woman who has Alzheimer's and she's like, oh my gosh, Ryan?

01:33:30.000 Yes, and there's a lot of those people out there.

01:33:32.000 There's a lot of little man boys out there too.

01:33:35.000 There's a lot of people that are like children.

01:33:36.000 You could take their money.

01:33:37.000 That's...

01:33:38.000 Oh my god.

01:33:38.000 I talked to this photographer and he has a friend that does this organization called Project Child Save where they get a bunch of money together and this guy flies out to other countries and Takes back, like, kidnapped kids.

01:33:49.000 Like, they may be taken and brings them back here.

01:33:50.000 Whoa.

01:33:51.000 Yeah.

01:33:51.000 And I guess, like, the government has nothing to do with it.

01:33:53.000 It's all, like, privately run.

01:33:54.000 They do that right now.

01:33:56.000 Wow.

01:33:56.000 That is a lot of gunfire, I would imagine.

01:33:58.000 Isn't that insane?

01:33:59.000 If you stole, like, a stolen kid from a family, you're pretty much kidnapping.

01:34:03.000 But they go to other countries.

01:34:05.000 Right. 1.00

01:34:05.000 That's scary shit. 1.00

01:34:06.000 That's a good reality show. 1.00

01:34:09.000 Project Child Save? 0.99

01:34:10.000 No shit, but I bet you couldn't follow me. 0.99

01:34:12.000 That would be a little conspicuous. 1.00

01:34:14.000 Running around with a gun in their hand, sneaking around the corner with a fucking camera guy behind him. 0.99

01:34:18.000 And like a boom. 0.99

01:34:19.000 Here's another one that I got that was a much more subtle one.

01:34:22.000 Attention! 0.86

01:34:23.000 How are you doing?

01:34:24.000 Hope fine?

01:34:26.000 Sorry for the late email update.

01:34:28.000 I want to make fast contact with Mr. David Doy in regards to your released project fund.

01:34:37.000 Why do you save them?

01:34:39.000 I save them all.

01:34:40.000 I save them all.

01:34:41.000 I got one from the first bank in Nigeria from 2009 that I've saved.

01:34:44.000 That's awesome.

01:34:45.000 It's a collector's item.

01:34:46.000 Listen to this.

01:34:47.000 Just listen to the first line.

01:34:48.000 The first bank of Nigeria.

01:34:50.000 I've got to remember that.

01:34:51.000 Listen to this one.

01:34:52.000 Dear, this letter is written to you in order to change your life from today.

01:35:01.000 They got me so far.

01:35:02.000 I am riveted.

01:35:04.000 I am Mr. James Lewis, the director, international remittance department of this bank, comma, my boss, comma, Mr. Jacobs, no comma, just a slight space, M. Smith, comma, the managing director CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments.

01:35:28.000 Wow.

01:35:28.000 Is that from Nigeria?

01:35:30.000 Yeah, it's awesome.

01:35:32.000 It's so bad. 0.99

01:35:33.000 It's like, do you even have Microsoft Word, motherfucker? 1.00

01:35:37.000 What did you run this shit through? 1.00

01:35:38.000 Google Translate? 0.99

01:35:39.000 Paintbrush and text edit.

01:35:41.000 They must have just ran it through a translation program, right? 0.96

01:35:43.000 They don't know what the fuck it is. 0.98

01:35:48.000 There's a part of me that is absolutely fascinated by this because what I'm getting here, right? 0.99

01:35:53.000 Again, I'm sitting in front of my computer and I'm getting this direct connection with some fucking guys who are basically like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. 0.83

01:36:03.000 You know, I mean, like, think of, like, some of the people in Nigeria. 0.99

01:36:05.000 You know, Somali pirates and all these fucking nuts that they've got. 1.00

01:36:09.000 I mean, it's a wild, crazy, savage world out there, and there are just millions and millions of email just trying to fuck people out of their money. 1.00

01:36:14.000 How are you getting me on here? 0.97

01:36:15.000 How are you getting me on here?

01:36:16.000 I watched this episode of Intervention on A&E and one of the guys was getting interventioned because he was addicted to replying to those kind of spam emails.

01:36:25.000 He blew his whole retirement and he'd be on the phone with Africa and they'd be like, we need 30 more dollars.

01:36:29.000 He's like, okay, I'm right on it.

01:36:30.000 And he's like, I'm not getting scammed.

01:36:32.000 I'm just waiting for my prize money.

01:36:33.000 And his family's like, he doesn't get it.

01:36:35.000 It was Intervention?

01:36:35.000 Wow.

01:36:35.000 It was Intervention, yeah.

01:36:36.000 Wow.

01:36:37.000 They shouldn't even waste a show on that guy. 1.00

01:36:39.000 They should just slap him. 0.99

01:36:41.000 Slap him a couple times and take his internet away. 1.00

01:36:43.000 It's not wasting a show.

01:36:44.000 It's fascinating.

01:36:46.000 We talked about this one guy that was getting scammed by these Nigerian dudes and they pretended that they were a hot chick. 1.00

01:36:52.000 And it was a famous porno star. 0.99

01:36:54.000 And they used her photos and this poor fucking guy was this sad old 60-year-old man and he thought that it was real. 1.00

01:37:00.000 He thought that he was really going to meet his queen. 0.99

01:37:03.000 But what happened? 0.69

01:37:04.000 This dummy flew to London 14 times.

01:37:07.000 14 times to me, and for whatever reason, they could never quite hook up.

01:37:11.000 There's a good website called 419eater.com, and they pretty much just screw over all the scammers.

01:37:16.000 That's the whole website.

01:37:18.000 What's it called?

01:37:20.000 419eater.com.

01:37:21.000 Is it like a Yelp for scammers?

01:37:23.000 It's like opposite trolling.

01:37:25.000 Like baiting.

01:37:26.000 Right.

01:37:26.000 Remember when Stanhope used to do that all the time?

01:37:28.000 Stanhope used to bait child molesters.

01:37:30.000 I think he read a book about it.

01:37:31.000 Didn't he publish all of them as a book or something?

01:37:33.000 It seems like he did.

01:37:34.000 Did he do it for a job or anything?

01:37:36.000 No, no.

01:37:36.000 He did it to be Doug Stanhope.

01:37:39.000 That's just how Stanhope rocks it. 0.99

01:37:40.000 So he was contacting these child molesters and then take all the fucked up shit that he would say to them, pretending he was a little kid, and they would put it online. 0.99

01:37:51.000 There was a whole website, baiting.org. 0.99

01:37:53.000 Remember that?

01:37:54.000 Is that still around?

01:37:54.000 I don't think so, but that 419 is awesome.

01:37:58.000 You've got to check that out.

01:37:59.000 There's the Hall of Fame, the Trophy Room, and these people.

01:38:05.000 Yeah, baiting.org is here.

01:38:07.000 Is it?

01:38:07.000 Yep.

01:38:08.000 It says, Welcome to Baiting.org, one of the most fucked up sites on the internet. 0.81

01:38:11.000 Due to the mass amount of sexual content on this site, we felt it was in everybody's best interest to give you the following disclaimer. 0.98

01:38:18.000 And then you go in and it's all, the whole thing is all them baiting child molesters.

01:38:23.000 That's great. 0.99

01:38:24.000 It's the fucking Stanhope stuff, though. 0.99

01:38:26.000 If you could find it, yeah, there's a bunch of them. 0.99

01:38:28.000 You could see them there by Stanhope. 0.99

01:38:30.000 And they're goddamn genius. 0.99

01:38:32.000 You know, I think half of my lung is filled with incense. 1.00

01:38:36.000 You got some crazy incense.

01:38:38.000 It was huge.

01:38:39.000 That was like an incense log.

01:38:41.000 That's like a fire log of incense. 1.00

01:38:43.000 That's the real shit, man. 1.00

01:38:44.000 I get that from the Jamaicans outside of the House of Blues. 1.00

01:38:48.000 It's smoky.

01:38:48.000 What kind do you want, man?

01:38:49.000 Is it too much? 1.00

01:38:50.000 I'll kill it. 1.00

01:38:50.000 It's almost like I feel like I don't have any air. 1.00

01:38:54.000 You're like breathing perfume.

01:38:55.000 I'm 100% hippie.

01:38:56.000 Hold on a second. 1.00

01:38:56.000 I'll kill it. 1.00

01:38:57.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

01:38:58.000 Meanwhile, you smoke cigarettes. 1.00

01:38:59.000 I know.

01:39:00.000 My eyes are watering, though.

01:39:01.000 I've never...

01:39:02.000 We're all like...

01:39:04.000 Is yours?

01:39:05.000 Do you feel it?

01:39:05.000 It feels like it's just thick.

01:39:07.000 Now that you're saying it, I'm noticing it, but I wasn't noticing it before. 1.00

01:39:10.000 Damn you. 0.99

01:39:13.000 You know what I'm trying to do, man? 1.00

01:39:15.000 I'll try to recreate what it used to be like back in the day when I started out in the comedy clubs, man. 0.98

01:39:20.000 And you could just go into a smoky room and you knew that just dark shit was going to happen.

01:39:25.000 Something about those smoky rooms, man, where you just knew. 0.94

01:39:29.000 No one's taking care of their health here.

01:39:31.000 This is a place of deviance.

01:39:33.000 That's right.

01:39:34.000 That's why I used to love smoky pool halls.

01:39:36.000 Pool halls used to be the best.

01:39:37.000 You go in two o'clock in the morning, the place is packed and there's a...

01:39:40.000 A thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

01:39:42.000 Yeah, it's probably not so good for you, but something about it is just...

01:39:44.000 God, the worst is waking up the next day, though, and smelling your clothes.

01:39:48.000 Oh, God.

01:39:49.000 Especially if you don't smoke.

01:39:50.000 Even as a smoker, that's disgusting.

01:39:52.000 They still have one of those in Orange County, near where I live.

01:39:54.000 It's a bar with pool tables and stuff, and you can smoke cigarettes inside.

01:39:58.000 I was having this conversation with a buddy of mine about those natural cigarettes.

01:40:01.000 Are those things any better for you?

01:40:03.000 I don't think so.

01:40:04.000 They say they are.

01:40:05.000 It's like vapor.

01:40:06.000 And there's like no carcinogens in it or something?

01:40:09.000 Well, but it's still tobacco, right?

01:40:11.000 Smoking tobacco is not good for you, right?

01:40:13.000 Well, there's no smoke.

01:40:14.000 That's correct.

01:40:15.000 It's kind of like...

01:40:16.000 Well, what are you talking about?

01:40:16.000 I'm talking about cigarettes.

01:40:17.000 Oh, electronic cigarettes.

01:40:19.000 I thought you were talking about electric.

01:40:20.000 No, no, no, no.

01:40:21.000 Natural cigarettes.

01:40:22.000 I said natural.

01:40:23.000 Like those American spirits things?

01:40:25.000 Like, are those better for you?

01:40:26.000 Of course, yeah.

01:40:26.000 They're better for you because it doesn't have the 102 other chemicals in it.

01:40:31.000 So yeah, it's better for you than having a Marlboro Light.

01:40:34.000 It is, definitely.

01:40:36.000 But I also have noticed when I smoke those, it takes forever.

01:40:39.000 It's like I'm smoking 20 minutes instead of 5 minutes.

01:40:44.000 And it tastes like a bonfire.

01:40:46.000 It's not the same.

01:40:47.000 No, it's not.

01:40:48.000 It's not good.

01:40:50.000 I like it, but it feels like you're smoking more.

01:40:53.000 A bonfire.

01:40:53.000 That's an interesting way of describing it.

01:40:55.000 When you get smoke in your mouth when you're near a fire, it's like you cough on it and it tastes nasty.

01:40:58.000 Yeah, it's just very leafy and dry.

01:41:01.000 Ooh, that doesn't sound good.

01:41:03.000 No, it's not.

01:41:03.000 That's like an old cigar.

01:41:04.000 Marlboro Lights, you barely even feel like you're smoking.

01:41:08.000 Really?

01:41:08.000 It just feels calming or something.

01:41:10.000 I don't mind tobacco, man.

01:41:12.000 I like tobacco in the form of cigars.

01:41:14.000 Tobacco, when you smoke a big cigar, especially after you have a big meal and have a big cigar, cigars, they give you a weird buzz, man.

01:41:21.000 That helps, though.

01:41:22.000 Even if you're not inhaling the cigar, you still feel that satisfaction?

01:41:26.000 Oh, yeah, for sure.

01:41:26.000 Because it comes into your bloodstream.

01:41:30.000 Immediately.

01:41:31.000 A lot of people don't know that, but anytime there's smoke in your mouth, it's almost immediately in your blood swipe.

01:41:36.000 That's why people say, I'm not going to inhale this weed. 0.99

01:41:39.000 You're still getting fucking stoned. 1.00

01:41:41.000 Yeah, Bill Clinton, you dummy. 1.00

01:41:44.000 So fucking dumb. 1.00

01:41:45.000 I didn't inhale. 1.00

01:41:46.000 Okay, good.

01:41:47.000 Then you didn't get as high. 0.99

01:41:48.000 You still got high, silly. 0.99

01:41:50.000 And you got bath salts. 0.99

01:41:53.000 So are they going to start recalling bath salts?

01:41:56.000 Yeah, they're making some bath salts illegal in Ireland right now.

01:41:59.000 It's an epidemic all across the world.

01:42:01.000 I wonder what it would be like to snort Mr. Bubble.

01:42:03.000 Dude, the weird thing is the names of it.

01:42:06.000 Ivory Wave, Bliss, White Lightning, Hurricane Charlie.

01:42:12.000 Chemicals can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates, and suicidal thoughts.

01:42:19.000 It makes you attack yourself.

01:42:20.000 And it makes your nose smell great.

01:42:22.000 You know what?

01:42:22.000 Your body is probably...

01:42:25.000 Your body's probably so mad that you're such a dumb cunt that you snort bath salts that your body's like, oh, we're gonna kill ourselves now. 1.00

01:42:31.000 Alright, you wanna do this, bitch? 1.00

01:42:32.000 You wanna do this? 1.00

01:42:33.000 Come on, get a knife. 0.97

01:42:33.000 Well, can't you get... 0.97

01:42:34.000 I mean, you can pretty much get fucked up on almost anything if you wanted to. 1.00

01:42:38.000 I don't think you can get fucked up to the point where you wanna slash your face off. 0.99

01:42:41.000 I mean, listen to the things that people are doing, man. 1.00

01:42:44.000 They're like attacking themselves.

01:42:45.000 Yeah, they're still conscious and alive and stuff.

01:42:47.000 And it causes, apparently, it's super...

01:42:49.000 The stimulants are neurotransmitters in the brain, they're saying.

01:42:53.000 And this stuff, MDPV and methadrone, they're made in a lab, and they aren't regulated because they're not marketed for human consumption.

01:43:02.000 So these things are in these bath salts. 0.99

01:43:05.000 How the fuck is this stuff in bath salts? 0.99

01:43:08.000 That's like, you're like taking a bath with crank. 0.99

01:43:10.000 Like, that's what you're doing.

01:43:12.000 You're taking a bath with PCP. How is that in there?

01:43:16.000 Isn't it just supposed to be salt? 0.99

01:43:18.000 What the fuck is going on? 0.99

01:43:19.000 It trips your pores open and it gets in there and washes around. 1.00

01:43:24.000 Yeah, it causes intense cravings for it and they'll binge on it for three to four days before they show up in an ER. And even though it's a horrible trip, they want to do it again and again.

01:43:33.000 It's incredibly addictive.

01:43:35.000 Wow, this is nuts.

01:43:37.000 25 states have received calls about exposure, including Nevada and California.

01:43:42.000 Louisiana leads with the greatest number of calls at 165. 165 fucking people. 1.00

01:43:50.000 I need to go to Bed Bath& Beyond tonight and get some. 1.00

01:43:53.000 Wow, this is crazy.

01:43:55.000 Might as well try it before they recall it. 1.00

01:43:56.000 No shit, at least stock up on it. 1.00

01:43:58.000 This is really nuts. 1.00

01:44:00.000 Florida had 48 different calls, or 38 different calls.

01:44:03.000 It's like the highest demanded drug now.

01:44:06.000 Soapcast.

01:44:06.000 That's a strange, strange thing.

01:44:09.000 That all of a sudden they figure out that they can smoke.

01:44:11.000 It's almost like you found another hole in the system.

01:44:14.000 People want to get high so bad. 1.00

01:44:16.000 Oh, we found this new shit. 0.99

01:44:18.000 Hundreds of people are doing this. 1.00

01:44:19.000 This is crazy.

01:44:20.000 Wow.

01:44:21.000 And apparently it's not something you do recreational.

01:44:24.000 It's not like, I tried it, I didn't like it.

01:44:26.000 Oh, really?

01:44:27.000 You just do it and you get crazy. 0.95

01:44:28.000 You're into a face slashing zombie. 0.98

01:44:30.000 Wow. 0.99

01:44:31.000 Wow, this is nuts, man. 0.98

01:44:33.000 I wonder if you could just do a little bit less of it and not turn into a face-slashing zombie.

01:44:37.000 Maybe they're just doing way too much.

01:44:39.000 You lose all control.

01:44:39.000 Whoa, here it is.

01:44:40.000 Can't stop.

01:44:41.000 This is what they're saying.

01:44:42.000 The problem grew in rural Mississippi after a law began restricting the sale of pseudoephedrine, the key ingredient in making methamphetamines.

01:44:54.000 Sudafedrine? 0.57

01:44:55.000 Yeah, Sudafedrine.

01:44:56.000 So when they stopped selling that stuff, restricting the sale of it, they couldn't get meth anymore. 0.99

01:45:01.000 So they got crazy and then they tried this shit. 1.00

01:45:04.000 This is worse than meth! 1.00

01:45:06.000 This is something that's fucking up meth heads. 0.99

01:45:09.000 Like, they used to just be meth heads, and then they started doing bath salts and cutting their faces off. 0.94

01:45:14.000 I want to hear about the kids who tried it, who started this phenomenon, you know?

01:45:18.000 I don't think it was kids.

01:45:18.000 Where were they?

01:45:19.000 Yeah, it was probably kids.

01:45:20.000 Yeah, I bet it wasn't kids.

01:45:21.000 Really?

01:45:22.000 Yeah, you know what I bet happened?

01:45:23.000 It's probably the government, man. 0.99

01:45:23.000 I bet there was some fucking crazy guy, like in that Breaking Bad show, there was some sort of a scientist character, and he realized that bath salts will fuck you up, too. 0.99

01:45:31.000 So he just started giving them to people. 1.00

01:45:34.000 That's possible.

01:45:34.000 But you can't even corner that market if you tell them it's bath salts.

01:45:37.000 Right.

01:45:37.000 So they must have held them at gunpoint to get the secret.

01:45:39.000 Listen, man, it's just bath salts. 0.99

01:45:41.000 This is the greatest fucking crack of all time, man. 1.00

01:45:44.000 Give me the shit I'm taking over the world. 1.00

01:45:45.000 Listen, Duco. 1.00

01:45:47.000 It's just bath salts.

01:45:48.000 Can you imagine getting to the point?

01:45:49.000 Remember when you used to get those things for Christmas where it was like a bag of bath salts?

01:45:53.000 You know, it was like a decorative item given to you by a...

01:45:56.000 Have you ever seen them?

01:45:57.000 It looks like a snowball.

01:45:58.000 Yeah.

01:45:59.000 You throw them in there and it's...

01:46:00.000 Right, and that's gonna be like your eight ball is one of those things.

01:46:05.000 Wow.

01:46:06.000 They aren't regulated.

01:46:07.000 That's the real problem.

01:46:08.000 Meanwhile, they just made 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine illegal.

01:46:12.000 They made it super illegal now.

01:46:14.000 You can't get it anywhere.

01:46:14.000 If you have it, you're in trouble.

01:46:16.000 That shit used to be able to buy it online. 1.00

01:46:18.000 Tryptamine? 1.00

01:46:19.000 Yeah.

01:46:20.000 5-methoxy-dimethyltryptamine, which is the most potent form of DMT. Really?

01:46:25.000 You used to be able to buy it online.

01:46:26.000 Yeah, you could buy a jug of it and just get blasted on it until the end of time.

01:46:30.000 Oh, my God.

01:46:31.000 So now it's a Schedule 1?

01:46:32.000 Yeah, now it's right there with marijuana.

01:46:36.000 Yeah, I used to be able to just buy it.

01:46:38.000 It's weird. 0.98

01:46:39.000 And then someone figured out, like, hey, you can get really high off this shit and you can just buy it online. 1.00

01:46:43.000 That's pretty silly. 1.00

01:46:44.000 If you get caught with acid, you go to jail forever. 0.95

01:46:47.000 Really?

01:46:47.000 Not forever, but you get caught with anything.

01:46:50.000 Anything like acid.

01:46:51.000 Am I playing footsies for me here?

01:46:54.000 If you get caught with any kind of acid, anything where they think you're doing that, where you're making your own drugs, that's even crazier than mushrooms or pot.

01:47:03.000 Because what are you doing? 0.96

01:47:04.000 You're synthesizing a chemical specifically for the purpose of getting people fucked up. 0.99

01:47:09.000 You're a special case. 1.00

01:47:11.000 You've got rubber gloves and shit and a lab coat on, and you're in your bathtub, and you're making enough acid to get a whole state high. 0.99

01:47:19.000 You can make enough acid in your bathtub to get like a million people hot. 0.99

01:47:23.000 Can you imagine accidentally splashing it onto your arm?

01:47:25.000 Oh my god! 0.99

01:47:26.000 It took me five years to make this ass because every time I would like to splash it, I would die for like two months. 0.99

01:47:32.000 Listen, I met this girl a couple years ago and she told me that she has this friend who like obviously went crazy and moved away to a different state, but she got pulled over by the cops and had a whole vial of acid on her. 0.99

01:47:42.000 Wow.

01:47:43.000 And she drank it.

01:47:43.000 Oh my god.

01:47:44.000 What? 0.99

01:47:45.000 And she tripped for like 60 days and fucking like split town and like has been a weirdo ever since. 1.00

01:47:50.000 I never met the girl. 0.98

01:47:51.000 Oh my god.

01:47:53.000 She drank it.

01:47:54.000 Dude, why wouldn't you just pour it on the ground?

01:47:55.000 Pour it on the carpet, right?

01:47:57.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:47:57.000 She's ridiculous. 1.00

01:47:58.000 All of a sudden her car just starts going... 0.99

01:48:00.000 Car comes to life and becomes a transformer.

01:48:08.000 Wow, I've heard stories about people. 1.00

01:48:09.000 That's the number one drug that I've heard stories about people losing their shit on. 1.00

01:48:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:13.000 Just breaking.

01:48:14.000 You know, just...

01:48:15.000 See ya.

01:48:16.000 Broke it.

01:48:17.000 Broke it.

01:48:17.000 I think acid, any psychedelic, even DMT, I think if you do it a certain amount of times, you're probably not going to be the same as before.

01:48:26.000 I knew a dude who did it a hundred times and he totally became crazy.

01:48:29.000 Really?

01:48:29.000 He just was doing DMT all the time.

01:48:31.000 To the point where when he would do DMT, the DMT entities would talk to him and go, Dude, dude, dude, you gotta stop coming here. 0.98

01:48:37.000 Just settle the fuck down. 1.00

01:48:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:48:39.000 Killing our buzz, man. 1.00

01:48:41.000 When you have a DMT experience, a lot of it is marked by communication with whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

01:48:47.000 It could be that you're communicating with some other part of your consciousness that you don't normally have access to, or it could be the great beyond, like this well of souls, or it could be aliens in another dimension. 0.96

01:48:57.000 You're communicating with something.

01:48:58.000 Whatever it is is really just speculative.

01:49:00.000 But this guy, when he would go over there, the DMT, whatever he was connecting to, was going, do-do-do-do.

01:49:05.000 Stop.

01:49:06.000 Stop smoking DMT every day.

01:49:08.000 This is crazy.

01:49:09.000 That's funny when the DMT spirits are actually annoyed with you.

01:49:11.000 Come on, dude.

01:49:12.000 Yeah, right?

01:49:12.000 You come here all the time.

01:49:14.000 You're annoying. 1.00

01:49:15.000 You fucking eat my food. 1.00

01:49:16.000 You stinky feet are on my couch. 1.00

01:49:19.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:19.000 What the fuck, bro? 1.00

01:49:20.000 Get it together. 1.00

01:49:22.000 That's funny.

01:49:23.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:49:24.000 You know, man, until they figure out a way to let people do whatever the fuck they want with their bodies, do whatever the fuck you want, you're going to always have a gang of different drug problems. 0.94

01:49:35.000 What people are afraid of, though, is that when you start making everything legal, well, then, you know, well, kids could get a hold of it, and everyone could get addicted, and that is definitely true. 0.95

01:49:44.000 You do run those problems.

01:49:46.000 You do run a chance of there being a little bit of a spike once it becomes initially legal.

01:49:50.000 But...

01:49:52.000 You're going to have to let people learn. 1.00

01:49:54.000 You have to raise your kids and tell them to never do that shit. 1.00

01:49:57.000 You have to be around other people that raise their kids and tell them, you know, don't do meth. 1.00

01:50:01.000 It's going to kill you.

01:50:02.000 Don't do heroin.

01:50:02.000 It's bad for you.

01:50:03.000 You can smoke pot.

01:50:04.000 It's not going to hurt you.

01:50:05.000 If you drink, let me know.

01:50:06.000 I want to be there.

01:50:07.000 I want to let you know.

01:50:08.000 I want to make sure you don't drive home drunk.

01:50:10.000 People can navigate their way through a lot of different substances in this society if you just allowed us to. 0.97

01:50:16.000 But as soon as you start making shit illegal and restricting the access to a bunch of different things, people can't figure out what's good and what's bad. 0.99

01:50:23.000 That's why there's a lot of people that think that mushrooms will fuck your mind up. 1.00

01:50:27.000 Smoke pot, you're becoming a lazy piece of shit. 1.00

01:50:29.000 Why? 1.00

01:50:29.000 Because they don't have access to it. 1.00

01:50:31.000 If everybody had access to it, especially weed, if everybody had access to weed, we would all think of it the same way that stoners think of it.

01:50:38.000 Stoners pretty much universally look at pot and say, well, it's very beneficial to me.

01:50:42.000 It calms me down.

01:50:43.000 It gives you perspective. 0.63

01:50:43.000 It makes me silly. 0.63

01:50:44.000 And then there's the medical uses for it.

01:50:46.000 I mean, it's like universal amongst the people that use it.

01:50:49.000 Well, how come the other people don't share that opinion?

01:50:51.000 Well, it's because they're not using it.

01:50:52.000 It's really that simple.

01:50:54.000 People that are anti-pot, it's possible that you have some weird reaction to pot, in which case I would say, hey, don't do it.

01:51:00.000 You don't have to do it.

01:51:01.000 But...

01:51:02.000 I guarantee you, if you're not doing it and you're describing what it is, you don't know. 1.00

01:51:06.000 Yeah, or they have like a mom or a dad or brother that was like lazy as shit while they smoked weed. 0.99

01:51:11.000 So they're like, oh no, everybody is like that. 0.99

01:51:13.000 I've totally witnessed that.

01:51:15.000 And I'm like, no, it's not like that. 1.00

01:51:15.000 Your brother's fucking lazy. 1.00

01:51:17.000 They don't see enough ambitious stoners out there. 1.00

01:51:20.000 I know.

01:51:21.000 People don't understand.

01:51:22.000 It will give you a different perspective.

01:51:24.000 And it might not necessarily be a better perspective, but it's good to look at things a different way all the time.

01:51:28.000 Every now and then, rather.

01:51:30.000 If you're looking at things the exact same way, you can get locked into a mental pattern where you think that things make sense. 0.98

01:51:36.000 And then you need a good, really fucking... 0.94

01:51:40.000 A good, real good bake session where you just completely float away. 0.98

01:51:45.000 You know, when you and your friends are sitting around like me, how many times have we had these conversations, especially after shows, where we're just completely barbecued, like eating dinner, and we're all just breaking down the universe or figuring out life or just having these conversations where you almost can't get there on your own.

01:52:02.000 There's some conversations that you get to when you're high where you're like, man, I don't think I can take responsibility for this conversation.

01:52:08.000 I don't think I ever would have gotten here if I wasn't high.

01:52:10.000 You know?

01:52:12.000 Absolutely.

01:52:12.000 Of course, a lot of those conversations are not as cool as they would be, and they're just talking about how Fritos would be good in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

01:52:21.000 No, I like those talks, those really, really nice marijuana-driven talks, because you can't get that when you're hammered.

01:52:27.000 No, no, you don't get them.

01:52:28.000 When you're hammered, it's more like, blah. 0.88

01:52:30.000 A good stoner conversation, not a dumb one, but a good one, where everybody's kind of in that groove. 1.00

01:52:36.000 Man, you can figure out a lot of shit in those conversations. 0.99

01:52:38.000 Did Nick Swartzen have a Jaguar? 1.00

01:52:41.000 I don't know.

01:52:42.000 They just put on TMZ that somebody stole his Jaguar last week outside the Improv on a Friday night.

01:52:49.000 Well, I bet it happens.

01:52:50.000 Or he's just trolling TMZ. Do you think he would troll TMZ? I don't see him having it.

01:52:56.000 You can't say that you got your car stolen.

01:52:58.000 They can find that out pretty easy.

01:53:00.000 It's like a felony. 0.72

01:53:01.000 Unless they're that lazy.

01:53:02.000 Well, not a felony to tell TMZ a lie.

01:53:04.000 Well, Wouldn't the cops be behind it?

01:53:07.000 No, not if you're just telling TMZ. Oh, I guess if TMZ you just could say whatever.

01:53:11.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:53:12.000 Yeah, you could say whatever the fuck you want to those cunts. 1.00

01:53:15.000 The whole, the fucking Jim Norton over this weekend, I saw Jim Norton at Cap City Comedy Club when I was in Austin. 1.00

01:53:21.000 I was down in Austin for the fight for the troops and I had Friday off so I went to Cap City. 0.99

01:53:25.000 Ed Norton had some of the funniest fucking jokes on Tiger Woods. 0.99

01:53:31.000 Oh my god, he was killing me. 0.99

01:53:33.000 And Mel Gibson. 0.99

01:53:33.000 He was fucking killing me, dude. 0.99

01:53:36.000 Really, really funny shit. 0.99

01:53:38.000 Did you hang out with him after? 0.98

01:53:39.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:53:39.000 We went out to eat and Club Soda Kenny was there.

01:53:42.000 And Chris, Chris from the fleshlight.

01:53:43.000 Yeah, he's a good guy.

01:53:46.000 But it was just, it was so fun and refreshing. 0.99

01:53:49.000 And right when I think that, like, I always start thinking that, like, maybe I have too many dick jokes. 0.94

01:53:53.000 I'm like, why is my sense of humor so juvenile? 1.00

01:53:55.000 Like, it's always, like, someone sucking dicks, or some dick goes in there, or, you know... 1.00

01:54:01.000 Whatever. 1.00

01:54:02.000 It just becomes a dick joke somewhere or another. 0.99

01:54:04.000 I mean, time machine jokes become dick jokes. 0.98

01:54:06.000 I have a really juvenile sense of humor. 0.96

01:54:08.000 And I was like, maybe there's a problem with that.

01:54:10.000 I know that's what I like, but maybe I should expand. 0.99

01:54:13.000 Then I saw Norton, and every other joke was a dick joke, and I fucking howled all the way through. 0.99

01:54:19.000 Literally, every other joke. 0.99

01:54:20.000 And we had a conversation about it.

01:54:22.000 I go, you gave me positive affirmation. 0.99

01:54:24.000 Sometimes I worry that I have too many dick jokes. 0.98

01:54:26.000 He goes, oh, I never think about that. 0.99

01:54:27.000 I never think about that.

01:54:29.000 He goes, that's what I think about. 1.00

01:54:30.000 I'm a sick fucking person. 1.00

01:54:33.000 He's funny, man. 1.00

01:54:34.000 He was really funny.

01:54:35.000 It was refreshing.

01:54:36.000 It's good to see...

01:54:37.000 When we work all the time, I don't get to see a full headliner set.

01:54:42.000 It's real rare that I get to see someone in a comedy club working.

01:54:45.000 And just be an audience member and sit down there.

01:54:48.000 So it was cool, man. 0.99

01:54:49.000 It was fucking... 0.99

01:54:49.000 I was howling. 0.99

01:54:50.000 But here's the weird thing, man.

01:54:52.000 There was these two local comics that were watching. 0.99

01:54:54.000 And the fucking... 1.00

01:54:55.000 He was killing, okay? 1.00

01:54:57.000 Norton was fucking killing. 0.99

01:54:58.000 And these two guys were watching like this. 1.00

01:55:01.000 Hater.

01:55:02.000 Dead-faced. 0.89

01:55:03.000 Just totally dead-faced.

01:55:04.000 And I was like, wow, that's weird.

01:55:06.000 You don't think this is fun?

01:55:08.000 I was crying laughing at certain points.

01:55:11.000 I mean, just really well-crafted jokes, really funny.

01:55:14.000 He had this bit about Tiger Woods.

01:55:16.000 I don't want to do it.

01:55:17.000 I don't want to fuck it up.

01:55:19.000 I don't want to paraphrase it.

01:55:20.000 I don't want to ruin it.

01:55:21.000 But I was crying. 0.99

01:55:23.000 I was fucking crying. 0.99

01:55:24.000 And I looked over. 0.99

01:55:25.000 These guys are stone-faced.

01:55:26.000 Hmm.

01:55:28.000 Haters.

01:55:29.000 Well, not that as.

01:55:29.000 Haters.

01:55:30.000 Also, they're probably fascinated like it's a big deal to be working with a big name.

01:55:34.000 Jim Norton's a big name national act, you know?

01:55:36.000 Right.

01:55:36.000 So then they get to work with him and then they're judging their own performance against his and trying to think if they're better than him.

01:55:40.000 There's so much jealousy with comedy, especially the guys that are like, I could do better than this person.

01:55:46.000 Well, there's a lot of guys that are just starting out or they've been doing it for a couple years that for some reason they feel like your success takes away from their success and they should have more success than they do.

01:55:55.000 Right.

01:55:56.000 Very weird thing, man.

01:55:57.000 Hmm. 1.00

01:55:58.000 To be a person that wants to be on stage with your voice amplified and a spotlight on you, you gotta be fucked up. 0.99

01:56:05.000 And I'm talking as one of them, and I'm talking to two other ones. 0.99

01:56:07.000 You guys are both comics.

01:56:09.000 You both do stand-up. 1.00

01:56:10.000 You know you gotta be fucking crazy to want to do that. 0.99

01:56:13.000 And so a lot of these people, they're like so desperate to even out their life. 0.99

01:56:17.000 They're so desperate to finally get some success.

01:56:20.000 It's so desperate to put it all together and have the big picture in front of them and finally move on past this disaster of a childhood that they, you know, they didn't want to claim ownership of their life.

01:56:28.000 So they get like super hyper ambitious.

01:56:30.000 I've met people who are like, you know, I hate stand-up.

01:56:34.000 I just get up on stage because it's challenging for me, but I hate it every second of it.

01:56:37.000 And I'm like, that's kind of strange.

01:56:38.000 Who says that?

01:56:39.000 Brian knows who says that.

01:56:40.000 You can't be good and say that. 1.00

01:56:41.000 You have to suck. 1.00

01:56:42.000 It's just period. 1.00

01:56:43.000 Except Steve Martin.

01:56:44.000 Steve Martin didn't like stand-up in the end.

01:56:46.000 You know, it was too easy for him, apparently.

01:56:49.000 And he was awesome.

01:56:50.000 You know, Let's Get Small? 1.00

01:56:51.000 That's some fucking great shit. 1.00

01:56:53.000 I remember when The Jerk came out. 1.00

01:56:55.000 Steve Martin was hilarious.

01:56:57.000 Johnson, Nathan R. Sounds like a typical badass. 1.00

01:56:59.000 Fun shit, man. 0.99

01:57:01.000 He was a funny, funny comedian, man. 1.00

01:57:03.000 But he just, it got too crazy.

01:57:05.000 He was so big that everything he said got laughs and he lost perspective.

01:57:11.000 He stopped doing it.

01:57:12.000 He was so good, he had to stop.

01:57:16.000 I don't know, man.

01:57:17.000 He was such a letdown for me because I was such a huge Steve Martin fan.

01:57:22.000 What was the letdown?

01:57:23.000 It was just, you know, that part like around Sergeant Bilko years where he just kind of lost the part that was funny to me about him.

01:57:31.000 It's like, I can't really tell what it is.

01:57:34.000 I can tell you exactly what it is.

01:57:35.000 Just age, I guess.

01:57:36.000 Yeah.

01:57:37.000 It happens to all of them.

01:57:38.000 It happens to almost everyone.

01:57:39.000 It's very difficult to maintain a sense of humor, first of all, as your body starts to decay.

01:57:44.000 And second of all, as you have all these relationship problems, which they always do.

01:57:49.000 You just have these fantastic weddings that turn into...

01:57:52.000 bitter divorces their spirits start dying yeah and then you wonder well this is it I'm here already and now I'm 45 or something like that and I'm a movie star and I'm making all this money and I don't even enjoy myself and I don't even enjoy the product and what is funny anymore and when you're not doing stand up when you don't have that immediate for me at least I would not be confident in whether or not what I think is funny I know I know that I know how to make things fun I know what things are funny and aren't funny because I do stand-up so much.

01:58:20.000 So it's like you become immersed in the language of comedy.

01:58:23.000 But when you're removed from that completely, removed from the idea or the act of creating the comedy and then producing and then putting it on stage and then performing it and then honing it and then sharpening up the bits and you learn things from that.

01:58:35.000 Like, oh, that was way better when I did it this way because I got to it quicker and the people understood it better.

01:58:40.000 You become immersed in the language of comedy.

01:58:42.000 You stay good.

01:58:43.000 You stay good.

01:58:44.000 But when they stop doing comedy, man, they stop writing comedy and they just sort of like just act in movies for a while. 1.00

01:58:49.000 Like, you just, you might as well be living on Mars, motherfucker. 0.99

01:58:52.000 You're not even living with people. 1.00

01:58:54.000 You're walking around in a plastic bubble and people are getting you, you know, bagels and locks at the craft service table and you're pulling up in a Ferrari and complaining, you know, because there's a knock in it. 1.00

01:59:03.000 Piece of shit. 0.99

01:59:04.000 You know, and you go in the set and you get makeup put on you. 1.00

01:59:07.000 You know? 0.96

01:59:08.000 They're fucking fitting a hairpiece to you to make your hair look big and thick. 0.98

01:59:11.000 I mean, that's what kind of a weird world is that? 0.99

01:59:13.000 It's weird.

01:59:14.000 And you're walking down the carpet and that's your interaction with humans.

01:59:17.000 Your interaction with humans is on the set And people serving you and then your next project.

01:59:21.000 And it's always this weird relationship where you're a star and they're the underlings and they all need to keep you happy to keep their job.

01:59:28.000 And so everyone's like super supportive and you don't even know what the fuck is up and what's down. 0.99

01:59:32.000 You're just drunk all the time, fucked up on pills. 1.00

01:59:35.000 You don't even know. 1.00

01:59:37.000 You lose yourself. 0.59

01:59:38.000 That's the reason why so many of these guys become completely insane. 1.00

01:59:42.000 That world, the idea of living like that, you've got to be out of your fucking head. 0.99

01:59:47.000 One of the most frustrating things ever when I first moved to Hollywood was just dealing with actors. 0.99

01:59:52.000 Guys who had done it their whole lives and guys who had been involved in the business for just decades and you'd be dealing with them like, you aren't even fucking real. 0.96

02:00:00.000 You're so odd and fake and everybody's fake and it's like everybody accepts that everyone's fake. 0.97

02:00:06.000 No one's calling anybody out on any of this. 0.99

02:00:08.000 And the behavior is so strange, you know?

02:00:10.000 Everybody's pompous.

02:00:12.000 She does a lot of extra work. 0.97

02:00:15.000 So she's always on sets.

02:00:17.000 She was on set the other day with, what's that guy's name?

02:00:20.000 The rapper.

02:00:21.000 LL Cool J. LL Cool J and stuff like that.

02:00:23.000 Do you ever have any crazy stories of working with some of these people?

02:00:28.000 Okay, this is funny.

02:00:29.000 LL Cool J is walking around.

02:00:30.000 I didn't know who it was.

02:00:31.000 Someone pointed it out.

02:00:32.000 You don't know who LL Cool J is?

02:00:33.000 I don't know what he looks like.

02:00:34.000 I've only heard him.

02:00:35.000 I never looked at his picture.

02:00:36.000 What was the other thing that you didn't know?

02:00:38.000 She doesn't know a lot of stuff, which is kind of cool.

02:00:40.000 You didn't know something yesterday that was really weird, though.

02:00:42.000 Oh, you didn't know about the Howard Stern show.

02:00:44.000 You didn't know who Robin was, that there was Howard Stern and Robin.

02:00:48.000 That to me is...

02:00:49.000 She doesn't know a lot of things.

02:00:50.000 Like you go, do you know this TV show?

02:00:52.000 She's like, what Cosby show?

02:00:53.000 That doesn't make sense.

02:00:54.000 I would think that you would be able to...

02:00:56.000 Most people would be able to name who Robin Quivers was and Howard Stern.

02:01:00.000 More people would know that than know who was president before Clinton.

02:01:04.000 Yeah, but you know, nowadays, Howard Stern, she's 22. Still? 1.00

02:01:08.000 She missed the big Howard Stern.

02:01:09.000 Really?

02:01:10.000 Yeah, I mean...

02:01:11.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:01:12.000 Okay, because he was on satellite radio when you were in high school.

02:01:15.000 Right.

02:01:16.000 Okay, that makes sense.

02:01:18.000 You know...

02:01:19.000 Right.

02:01:19.000 Wow, it still seems insane.

02:01:21.000 Yeah.

02:01:22.000 So what about LL Cool J? Anyway, go ahead.

02:01:23.000 LL Cool J. So you didn't know who LL Cool J is?

02:01:26.000 I feel like a child.

02:01:26.000 I didn't know what LL Cool J looked like, but someone pointed him out to me, and he's going up all on set, all around like the girls, and he's like, hey ladies, how you doing?

02:01:35.000 Rubbing their shoulders.

02:01:35.000 He's like, yeah, yeah, you're looking good.

02:01:37.000 What you doing?

02:01:37.000 I'm not...

02:01:38.000 I'm looking at him do this, and I'm like, this guy is ridiculous. 0.95

02:01:41.000 He's walking around like he owns the place, touching all these young girls, and they're like, and I'm like, you better not touch me. 0.78

02:01:47.000 I don't think you could use your LL Cool J credit just to be like, hey ladies. 0.66

02:01:51.000 I just thought it was kind of the douchiest thing.

02:01:54.000 But were you hating because he didn't come rub on you? 0.98

02:01:57.000 Oh no, what am I, a psycho?

02:01:59.000 Did the girls not like it? 0.85

02:02:01.000 No, the girls were into it. 1.00

02:02:03.000 I'm just looking at it and I'm like, that's so unreal.

02:02:04.000 Like, he's just walking around like...

02:02:05.000 But if they liked it, what's the problem?

02:02:07.000 If they liked it and he liked doing it...

02:02:09.000 Yeah, I don't know.

02:02:10.000 It's just, it's odd.

02:02:10.000 You thought that he was going to do it to you.

02:02:12.000 That's why it was weird.

02:02:12.000 No, it's just weird that he does it because he's LL Cool J. Because a regular guy who's not his status wouldn't walk around like, yeah, what's going on?

02:02:20.000 Right.

02:02:21.000 But...

02:02:22.000 He is LL Cool J. Yeah, but that's what she's saying is weird.

02:02:25.000 But it's not.

02:02:26.000 He's not a normal person.

02:02:27.000 Is he using that credit if the girls actually like it?

02:02:32.000 That's where it gets tricky.

02:02:33.000 If they actually like him doing that, is he using it?

02:02:36.000 No, she's not even saying that.

02:02:37.000 She's just saying it's weird seeing somebody act like that in general. 0.99

02:02:40.000 I don't give a shit what they do. 0.98

02:02:41.000 I totally agree with you, but if they like it, is it still weird? 0.99

02:02:45.000 If I saw that, it would be weird.

02:02:46.000 If I saw some guy walking around going, hey, what's up, baby?

02:02:49.000 Give me a kiss.

02:02:50.000 And the girls are like, uh-huh. 0.98

02:02:51.000 But why would we judge this if he's enjoying it and they're enjoying it?

02:02:55.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:02:56.000 It's one thing if he came up to you and you were like, okay, this is fucking... 0.98

02:02:59.000 I just came here to work, alright? 0.98

02:03:00.000 I don't want to be weirded out by some cult of personality.

02:03:03.000 But that'd be me being like prissy then. 0.91

02:03:05.000 No, that's not you being prissy.

02:03:07.000 You don't think so? 0.64

02:03:08.000 No.

02:03:08.000 I just thought it was...

02:03:09.000 Someone should not violate your space.

02:03:11.000 If you were there or you were dating a guy and he was right next to you and the LL Cool J did that, that would be disrespectful, right?

02:03:17.000 Yeah, definitely.

02:03:18.000 Of course, right?

02:03:18.000 Then it's disrespectful even if your boyfriend's not there.

02:03:21.000 You're not supposed to go up to someone and just start touching them.

02:03:24.000 He's got to know that you like him first.

02:03:26.000 There's got to be some communication going, hey, can I rub your shoulders?

02:03:29.000 You can't just go up and start rubbing people's shoulders.

02:03:31.000 But that's what he was doing.

02:03:31.000 I know.

02:03:32.000 But they liked it.

02:03:32.000 They liked it.

02:03:33.000 That's the problem. 1.00

02:03:34.000 That's like the Clinton move when Clinton would just pull his dick out on girls. 1.00

02:03:37.000 Did you know Clinton used to do that? 1.00

02:03:38.000 Really?

02:03:39.000 Yeah.

02:03:40.000 Dude, he did it a bunch of times.

02:03:41.000 It's hilarious because it's like a frat boy move. 1.00

02:03:43.000 Clinton would be alone with chicks and just pull his dick out. 1.00

02:03:46.000 And people would go, how could he do that? 1.00

02:03:48.000 I'll tell you how he could do that because it worked.

02:03:51.000 It probably worked 80% of the time.

02:03:54.000 You know, it probably worked even more than that. 1.00

02:03:55.000 He's fucking Bill Clinton. 0.99

02:03:56.000 I bet if he felt a thing, he felt the green light, I'm gonna go for it. 1.00

02:04:01.000 I bet he whipped out his dick and like 80% of the time it was a home run. 0.99

02:04:05.000 But it was those, the awkward 20 that would just, it would just crash into the woods like he misread them or they just got so offended that he would do that that they just flipped over the other way. 1.00

02:04:15.000 You know, whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

02:04:16.000 But he would rock that all the time. 0.99

02:04:18.000 That's what he would do. 1.00

02:04:19.000 Just pull his dick out. 1.00

02:04:20.000 What's your hatred of hot chicks? 1.00

02:04:23.000 But hold on a second.

02:04:25.000 I'm not finished there.

02:04:26.000 So, that's like what LL Cools Day is doing. 1.00

02:04:29.000 He's doing a very mild version of pulling his dick out. 1.00

02:04:31.000 He's just going for it. 1.00

02:04:32.000 Yeah, I guess so.

02:04:33.000 So, if you're with a guy, right? 1.00

02:04:35.000 And you really attracted the guy, and he pulls his dick out, and you just go for it. 0.99

02:04:41.000 I'd be like, what do you think I am? 1.00

02:04:42.000 Like, you know, I'm a fucking animal? 0.98

02:04:44.000 But what if you're really into him, if you're really into the guy? 0.99

02:04:46.000 It's possible, right? 1.00

02:04:48.000 If I was a chick, and I was really into it, it was a perfect situation, the perfect circumstance, and the guy pulls his dick out, and you gotta go, what the hell? 0.99

02:04:54.000 I think there's a difference, though, if, like, really liking LL Cool J, because he's, you know, a celebrity, and liking his rap, and then thinking, okay, now he has his dick out, wait. 0.99

02:05:02.000 Okay, we're not talking about LL Cool J now. 0.85

02:05:04.000 That was the president.

02:05:05.000 This is a different story.

02:05:07.000 We're mixing up our metaphors.

02:05:08.000 But I think...

02:05:09.000 I totally agree with you.

02:05:10.000 I would think it would be gross, too.

02:05:12.000 But if they like it and he likes it...

02:05:14.000 Then it's a match made in set heaven.

02:05:17.000 Set heaven.

02:05:18.000 There you go.

02:05:19.000 Well, you know, I mean, I bet a lot of girls, they come on the show just to meet him. 0.97

02:05:22.000 You know, LL Cool J is a suck symbol, right? 0.99

02:05:25.000 A lot of those freaky bitches, they probably come on shore. 1.00

02:05:27.000 They probably act as extras just to meet LL. Yeah. 1.00

02:05:29.000 Oh, I can't believe you right there.

02:05:31.000 Oh, my goodness.

02:05:32.000 It's probably mostly 40-year-old women, though, and 30-year-old women. 1.00

02:05:35.000 Really?

02:05:36.000 Yeah, I don't see no young girls going, oh, my God, LL coaches. 1.00

02:05:38.000 Oh, you're crazy. 0.99

02:05:39.000 He's a stud. 1.00

02:05:40.000 He's a stud.

02:05:40.000 Really?

02:05:41.000 I don't know.

02:05:42.000 He's kind of like a...

02:05:42.000 She's 22 years old right here.

02:05:44.000 Built like a linebacker.

02:05:45.000 I think she would probably...

02:05:46.000 You might think, like, girls think that that's sexy, but I'm like, I see...

02:05:51.000 A 45-year-old man who's probably married, I don't know, but he just looks like a man.

02:05:55.000 He looks like a normal man.

02:05:57.000 He's not sexy.

02:05:58.000 Okay, LL Cool J is sexy.

02:06:00.000 If I was a chick, I would find him very sexy.

02:06:04.000 He's built. 1.00

02:06:05.000 He's got fucking workout books where he's on the cover completely shredded. 1.00

02:06:10.000 You're hating. 1.00

02:06:11.000 My LL Cool J theory is starting to become correct.

02:06:13.000 What is the LL Cool J theory?

02:06:14.000 I don't know.

02:06:15.000 This is the second time we've talked about LL Cool J and then you've defended his honor.

02:06:18.000 So I'm thinking that you are involved with LL Cool J. I probably wouldn't want to hang out with the dude, but I defend his right to be cocky.

02:06:26.000 He's LL Cool J. He pulled it off.

02:06:28.000 Plus he's a rapper.

02:06:29.000 Rappers have to be cocky.

02:06:30.000 That's part of the sport.

02:06:31.000 Yeah, I don't know if it's just me.

02:06:32.000 It's attractive to know a guy is physically fit and has, like, physical fitness, but it's not, like, hot all because they're, like, muscular or built, you know?

02:06:38.000 That's all you.

02:06:39.000 Everybody's different.

02:06:40.000 I think everybody is different.

02:06:41.000 I was talking to him last night.

02:06:42.000 There's a lot of girls. 1.00

02:06:43.000 There's a lot of guys like fat chicks, like big, big, fat ones. 0.99

02:06:45.000 We have friends. 0.99

02:06:46.000 We have this one fan.

02:06:47.000 He's not happy unless there's a girl who's just 30, 40 pounds overweight. 1.00

02:06:50.000 He likes it.

02:06:51.000 He likes them jiggly and barely hanging into their clothes.

02:06:54.000 For whatever reason, that turns them on.

02:06:55.000 And he's a skinny guy.

02:06:57.000 Just his thing.

02:06:59.000 Hmm.

02:07:00.000 I think it's a smell that they give off that certain people just like that. 1.00

02:07:03.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:07:05.000 Like food, right? 1.00

02:07:08.000 Like pheromones.

02:07:09.000 Right.

02:07:10.000 It smells like a difference between sweaty butt and thigh mixed with...

02:07:14.000 Old hamburgers.

02:07:15.000 And that turns people on?

02:07:16.000 Yeah, maybe it's something like that.

02:07:16.000 You know what I think it is?

02:07:17.000 Honestly, I think it's your first sexual experience. 1.00

02:07:19.000 You have a really hot sexual experience with a fat girl, and your brain becomes imprinted to sexuality being attracted to fat girls. 1.00

02:07:26.000 Maybe that happens to some people. 1.00

02:07:27.000 That is kind of interesting. 0.99

02:07:28.000 That means I would like brown-haired girls with big boobs. 1.00

02:07:33.000 Brown-haired girls with big boobs? 1.00

02:07:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:07:35.000 That was your first? 0.99

02:07:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:07:36.000 Tell us more.

02:07:38.000 Do you get that?

02:07:39.000 Do you have a specific type?

02:07:42.000 No, I don't.

02:07:42.000 Not at all.

02:07:43.000 Not at all.

02:07:45.000 Not crazy.

02:07:47.000 Pretty much is what I look for nowadays.

02:07:49.000 Not crazy.

02:07:50.000 Not crazy.

02:07:51.000 Yeah.

02:07:52.000 What percentage of girls that you've dated have been crazy?

02:07:54.000 Most of them.

02:07:55.000 90?

02:07:56.000 Yeah.

02:07:57.000 Interesting. 0.75

02:07:58.000 Do you think girls are crazy, Allison? 0.97

02:08:01.000 You're around a lot of chicks. 1.00

02:08:02.000 Do you think the majority of your friends are to blame and that they're the crazy person?

02:08:07.000 A lot of the girls I'm friends with, they'll be like, so I have an issue with my boyfriend, but I think I'm just not going to tell him and see if it will go away without me telling him, but I'm going to act mad at him next time I see him.

02:08:18.000 Alright, so here's the question.

02:08:19.000 Here's the question.

02:08:20.000 When you're around a bunch of people and you keep having relationships like this over and over and over again where you're with crazy people, you have all these problems, how do you stop that? 0.99

02:08:28.000 How do you reset and how do you somehow or another move forward without all this bullshit in your life? 0.98

02:08:33.000 How do you do that? 1.00

02:08:35.000 I try to, like most of my crazy ass bitches, I try to remain friends with them and have some kind of cool level with them where it makes yourself kind of heal that way to think, okay, this person's fucking crazy, but I could still be friends with this crazy bitch, you know? 1.00

02:08:49.000 Right, but I'm saying, how do you move forward in your own life and stop this from happening? 1.00

02:08:53.000 Stop this pattern from appearing? 1.00

02:08:55.000 Oh, how do I stop dating crazy bitches? 1.00

02:08:57.000 Become gay, obviously. 1.00

02:08:58.000 Start sucking dick. 1.00

02:08:59.000 LL Cool J, look me up. 1.00

02:09:01.000 Where you at?

02:09:02.000 Where you at, girl?

02:09:03.000 That was a sad, sad, sad answer.

02:09:06.000 I think the true answer is you don't have an answer.

02:09:08.000 No, no, I really don't have an answer.

02:09:10.000 I mean, how do you have an answer for that?

02:09:11.000 You can.

02:09:12.000 It happens.

02:09:13.000 I mean, look at Allison Psycho McEyes over there. 1.00

02:09:15.000 She's about to snap. 1.00

02:09:16.000 Look at her.

02:09:17.000 Are you about to snap?

02:09:18.000 Some of those uncomfortable moments in the drunk cast, especially the first one, when you guys were hanging on each other, I'm like, wow, do you really want this out there, man?

02:09:28.000 Why? 0.99

02:09:28.000 You guys are so silly. 0.99

02:09:30.000 It felt like dirty. 1.00

02:09:32.000 I was like a voyeur. 0.88

02:09:34.000 Not just a voyeur, but I was watching two people in a living room hanging out and they were drunk and they were being silly together.

02:09:41.000 I'm like, I shouldn't be here.

02:09:43.000 That's great.

02:09:44.000 Well, did you have pants on?

02:09:46.000 No, I never had pants on.

02:09:47.000 Well, that's probably what the main reason was.

02:09:49.000 You shouldn't be watching us.

02:09:50.000 I walk around naked like a caveman, bro.

02:09:52.000 One of my good friends I grew up with, I've known him since we were like 10, he says he was watching it and he's like, honestly, I got like kind of uncomfortable feeling as I was watching it.

02:10:01.000 Yeah, a lot of people actually said the same thing.

02:10:02.000 Yeah, you know why? 1.00

02:10:03.000 Because he wants to fuck you. 1.00

02:10:04.000 That's what's up. 1.00

02:10:05.000 What?

02:10:05.000 Me?

02:10:06.000 Oh, that dude, yeah.

02:10:07.000 He got uncomfortable.

02:10:09.000 You know why he got uncomfortable?

02:10:10.000 Because it was me.

02:10:11.000 It's just I'm not the guy I was when I was younger.

02:10:14.000 You don't know.

02:10:15.000 You don't know me. 0.65

02:10:17.000 I'm just like, I thought you were gay.

02:10:18.000 You thought he was gay?

02:10:19.000 I did when we were like kids, but he has a girlfriend.

02:10:22.000 And he has a girlfriend, but he does have a thing for you, huh?

02:10:24.000 He said it once.

02:10:26.000 There you go. 1.00

02:10:27.000 I was like, get the fuck out of my room. 1.00

02:10:29.000 Oh, really? 0.91

02:10:29.000 What happened? 0.91

02:10:30.000 I'm all high and I'm trying to go to bed.

02:10:32.000 And he was living with me.

02:10:33.000 He was living with you?

02:10:34.000 Whoa, whoa.

02:10:35.000 He was your roommate?

02:10:35.000 Yeah, because his parents kicked him out of the house.

02:10:37.000 Did you ever find loads in your shoes or anything like that?

02:10:40.000 Is that what it was? 1.00

02:10:42.000 Shit. 1.00

02:10:43.000 No, he comes in my room and he's like, hey, Allison, sit in my little chair like this next to my bed. 1.00

02:10:47.000 And I'm like, hey, what's going on? 1.00

02:10:49.000 He's like, so I've been thinking, like, if we weren't such good friends, I would fuck you. 1.00

02:10:53.000 And I was like, get the fuck out of my room. 1.00

02:10:56.000 Whoa. 0.98

02:10:56.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:10:57.000 And that's it.

02:10:57.000 We never brought it back up.

02:10:58.000 I brought it back up a couple weeks later and I was like, you want to fuck me? 0.99

02:11:01.000 And he's like, no, I don't. 1.00

02:11:02.000 And I'm like, yeah. 1.00

02:11:03.000 You were making fun of him saying you want to fuck me? 1.00

02:11:06.000 Oh, what a friend. 1.00

02:11:07.000 That's awesome.

02:11:07.000 What a confidence booster.

02:11:09.000 Awesome having you around. 0.99

02:11:11.000 Sprite, you didn't jump out of a fucking window. 0.99

02:11:12.000 I don't know. 0.99

02:11:12.000 I'll never get it. 0.99

02:11:14.000 Sorry.

02:11:14.000 Well, you know, how old was he at the time?

02:11:16.000 We were 19. Yeah, when you're 19, you don't know what the fuck you're saying. 1.00

02:11:20.000 That was last year. 0.99

02:11:21.000 No, we were 18, 19. Three years ago, man.

02:11:24.000 Many months.

02:11:25.000 Yeah.

02:11:25.000 Okay, bro.

02:11:26.000 30 fucking months or so. 0.99

02:11:27.000 Two and a half years. 0.99

02:11:28.000 1700 days.

02:11:29.000 Yeah, not that much, really, when you think about it.

02:11:31.000 Two and a half years ago, you were the same guy.

02:11:33.000 So was I. When you were like 22, though, it's a different fucking world. 0.99

02:11:36.000 If you knew me at 22, you'd be so scared of me. 0.99

02:11:38.000 Or two and a half years before that, right?

02:11:40.000 Yeah.

02:11:41.000 Were you crazy back then? 1.00

02:11:43.000 I was crazier when I was a hippie, probably, just because I was fucked up all the time. 0.99

02:11:48.000 That's what we were talking about earlier when we were talking about Jersey Shore. 0.97

02:11:51.000 Could you imagine if you had a video of cameras following you around back when you were at that stage?

02:11:57.000 No.

02:11:57.000 You would come off so douchey.

02:11:59.000 Yeah.

02:11:59.000 Oh, my God.

02:12:00.000 So gross. 0.83

02:12:01.000 Even when I was 18, I used to think I was invincible. 0.99

02:12:04.000 I went through that whole stage where I'm like, yeah, I don't need to wear my seatbelt, all that other bullshit. 0.97

02:12:08.000 Oh, really? 0.89

02:12:09.000 Kind of, yeah.

02:12:10.000 And then you get out of that stage and you're like, what was I doing?

02:12:13.000 Have you never been hurt before?

02:12:14.000 I have.

02:12:15.000 I got hurt a bunch of times as a kid, so I never had that feeling.

02:12:18.000 I broke my arm when I was six.

02:12:20.000 I... Snap my forearm in two where it was like hanging off.

02:12:23.000 It was fucking creepy. 0.88

02:12:25.000 There was like a big dent in the middle of my forearm and like my hand was like the wrong, you know, it was like hanging, like folded. 0.99

02:12:31.000 It's like traumatizing.

02:12:32.000 Yeah, it was really bad.

02:12:32.000 It was a bad break.

02:12:33.000 Yeah.

02:12:34.000 They didn't have to put plates in it though.

02:12:35.000 They just said it somehow or another.

02:12:36.000 You should hear this car accident she was in, man.

02:12:39.000 Really?

02:12:39.000 You want to talk about that?

02:12:41.000 About her boyfriend and her wearing a...

02:12:44.000 How old were you?

02:12:45.000 I was 15. Seatbelt or no seatbelt?

02:12:48.000 Seatbelt.

02:12:48.000 Okay.

02:12:49.000 And I was in the back seat.

02:12:50.000 Got my best friend.

02:12:51.000 The girl who actually said I wasn't a woman of God.

02:12:52.000 She went crazy from this.

02:12:54.000 What happened?

02:12:54.000 Really?

02:12:55.000 From this?

02:12:55.000 From this accident.

02:12:56.000 Well, you could have included that when you were telling us how nutty she was. 0.99

02:12:59.000 No, it's good because I can relate it.

02:13:00.000 Oh, okay, okay.

02:13:01.000 So she's sitting on my right or whatever, my left.

02:13:04.000 My boyfriend at the time was on my right.

02:13:05.000 There's a guy driving and we're going down the road and we're going to go to this haunted house.

02:13:10.000 So he makes like a U-turn and...

02:13:12.000 Winds up hydroplaning, and we hit a tree, going like 55 miles an hour.

02:13:17.000 And I wake up covered in blood, and everyone had to pretty much get cut out of the car.

02:13:22.000 And my boyfriend was pronounced dead, but he lived but was in a coma for two months and had brain surgery, all because my cheekbone hit his temple, and it severed an artery, and his brain got pushed over to the side.

02:13:35.000 And the other kid was pronounced dead but lived, but he's kind of brain damaged.

02:13:38.000 He's okay now, though.

02:13:40.000 And then my best friend, who obviously was okay next to me, but she got a concussion.

02:13:45.000 And after that, she was like, I'm a woman of God.

02:13:48.000 Oh, really?

02:13:49.000 So, yeah, the next day, I'm in the hospital and the guy comes in and he goes, Allison, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't bad news.

02:13:55.000 But one of the guys aren't going to make it through the night.

02:13:58.000 And I was like, oh great.

02:13:59.000 And it was my boyfriend and I's like 11th month anniversary that day. 0.99

02:14:03.000 So it was like really fucked up. 0.89

02:14:04.000 And then I go to the hospital finally to go see him and they're reading him his last rites because they were going to loan his organs out. 0.99

02:14:11.000 Wow.

02:14:12.000 But he lived, and he was kind of slow for a while.

02:14:15.000 Right.

02:14:16.000 But now he's totally fine.

02:14:17.000 Right.

02:14:18.000 He's not the same person before the accident, but he's still a person.

02:14:20.000 Well, he has a big indent of your face on his face.

02:14:23.000 Yeah, he has this big scar all the way to here, and all because my cheekbone was just like, smash! 0.99

02:14:28.000 Damn. 1.00

02:14:29.000 Goddamn. 1.00

02:14:30.000 Yeah, that was nuts. 0.99

02:14:31.000 But... 1.00

02:14:32.000 Hydroplaning is scary as fuck, man. 1.00

02:14:34.000 Those old shitty cars. 1.00

02:14:35.000 My first car was a 68442. Not my first car. 0.99

02:14:39.000 My first car was a 73 Chevelle, but my first car that was worth more than $10 was a 68442. It was an old hot rod, and it had a 400 cubic inch engine.

02:14:49.000 It was way too much power for a retard like me when I was 16, maybe 17 at the time.

02:14:54.000 And I hydroplaned right in front of my school. 0.85

02:14:57.000 I had bald tires.

02:14:59.000 The tires just weren't that good.

02:15:00.000 And there was a lot of water on the ground. 0.99

02:15:02.000 And the car slid sideways and slammed into a fucking telephone pole and a tree. 0.98

02:15:07.000 Broke the car in half. 0.99

02:15:08.000 What happened to you?

02:15:09.000 Nothing.

02:15:10.000 Nothing was fine.

02:15:11.000 And the crazy thing is, me and the two dudes I was driving with were fine.

02:15:14.000 We weren't going that fast. 0.98

02:15:16.000 It was just a shitty car. 1.00

02:15:17.000 It's just fucking old. 1.00

02:15:19.000 If you hit the tree like that with a new car today, it wouldn't do nearly as much damage. 0.99

02:15:24.000 But that car just broke in half.

02:15:26.000 It was just kind of old and the frame wasn't good, I guess.

02:15:29.000 But I hit it pretty good.

02:15:31.000 I mean, I hit it pretty decent.

02:15:32.000 But I wasn't even going that fast, man.

02:15:33.000 It was just those old cars.

02:15:36.000 They have no control of them. 1.00

02:15:37.000 They suck, man. 1.00

02:15:39.000 It sucked. 1.00

02:15:40.000 Remember how long it used to take? 0.96

02:15:43.000 Oh my god.

02:15:44.000 I had a Skylark, a 1970 Skylark, and you'd have to be really careful with the brakes.

02:15:51.000 You have to be really careful with stopping, like stop way earlier than you think. 1.00

02:15:54.000 Cause you'd be like, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, you fuck. 1.00

02:15:56.000 Come on, come on, come on. 1.00

02:15:58.000 Like every time you stop, it was like an ordeal, you know? 1.00

02:16:02.000 Then you have a new car today, man, with disc brakes, ABS, and shit. 0.99

02:16:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:16:08.000 Yeah.

02:16:08.000 Technology, brother.

02:16:09.000 Technology.

02:16:10.000 Someday they're going to be making fun of people for driving around.

02:16:14.000 Remember when people had to get in their car and drive places?

02:16:17.000 When people had to wake up and go outside?

02:16:19.000 No, when you teleport, bro.

02:16:20.000 You're going to be able to teleport.

02:16:21.000 You're going to be able to move.

02:16:22.000 Like the mailman.

02:16:23.000 When is that going to go out of business?

02:16:24.000 That's very soon.

02:16:25.000 That's like five years, I would say.

02:16:27.000 I still send things and buy things and get things ordered by mail and I have to send checks in and stuff.

02:16:32.000 Soon.

02:16:32.000 It's going to be so unpractical soon.

02:16:35.000 Well, the problem is when you have no paper, you have no fucking, you know, it's like things are getting weirder and weirder.

02:16:40.000 At one point in time, money used to represent gold, right? 0.93

02:16:43.000 It used to represent this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold.

02:16:46.000 Well, it doesn't really mean that anymore.

02:16:49.000 Now it's like you just have confidence that this $100 is worth $100.

02:16:53.000 And what happens if it's all just numbers?

02:16:55.000 Like if you don't even have paper, you're constantly looking at computer screens.

02:17:00.000 Those screens are telling you what your numbers are and where are these numbers?

02:17:03.000 Are these numbers located?

02:17:03.000 Are they somewhere?

02:17:04.000 Are they even fucking real? 0.96

02:17:06.000 And then the economy becomes so transparent and so elusive and then it becomes too fucking strange. 0.97

02:17:13.000 I think we need some physical form.

02:17:15.000 We need money.

02:17:16.000 We need paper money. 1.00

02:17:17.000 We still need that shit. 0.99

02:17:19.000 We need something to just cling us to the idea that money is a real thing. 1.00

02:17:24.000 When it all just becomes zeros and ones and zeros and people just start jacking each other for their ones and zeros and adding ones and zeros where they don't belong.

02:17:32.000 It's not good, man. 0.90

02:17:35.000 It's like all the shit that's going down and all the money that goes to Iraq and Afghanistan and how much of it's missing. 0.99

02:17:40.000 Like all the Halliburton scams and scandals. 0.99

02:17:43.000 I heard about that. 1.00

02:17:43.000 It's fucking billions! 1.00

02:17:45.000 Billions of dollars! 1.00

02:17:46.000 Missing?

02:17:46.000 Yeah, they don't know where it is.

02:17:47.000 They're hiding it there?

02:17:48.000 They can't find it.

02:17:49.000 They did something.

02:17:50.000 And lately, the U2 Bono's organization, Red, do you know about all this?

02:17:55.000 It's supposed to be for AIDS in Africa.

02:17:57.000 Oh, right, right, right.

02:17:58.000 66% of the money is stolen.

02:18:00.000 What? 0.96

02:18:00.000 They don't know where the fuck it went. 0.96

02:18:02.000 People are stealing. 1.00

02:18:04.000 From Bono's helping AIDS organization, people just suck. 0.98

02:18:09.000 Do you think the stealing is going on over there or around here? 0.98

02:18:11.000 That's a good question.

02:18:11.000 I don't think they've isolated it yet.

02:18:13.000 I don't know.

02:18:14.000 Could it easily be going on in Africa? 0.94

02:18:16.000 Yeah.

02:18:16.000 I mean, how can you put it past Africa?

02:18:18.000 Right.

02:18:19.000 One for you, one for me.

02:18:21.000 That documentary of Liberia, how they had to get out of there because they heard that the guys had money.

02:18:25.000 So the guys who were filming it had to get out.

02:18:27.000 Were you talking about The Vice Guide to Liberia?

02:18:29.000 Yeah.

02:18:29.000 We talk about that on the podcast almost every week.

02:18:32.000 Ugh, really? 0.98

02:18:32.000 Because it's so fucking crazy. 0.98

02:18:34.000 It's crazy. 0.96

02:18:34.000 If you have not seen it, folks, please get it. 0.96

02:18:36.000 You said it's on Netflix, right?

02:18:37.000 Yeah, Netflix streaming.

02:18:39.000 Yeah.

02:18:40.000 How did we get into this conversation?

02:18:43.000 We're talking about Project Red.

02:18:45.000 Oh, the scam.

02:18:46.000 You know, the billions of dollars are missing.

02:18:48.000 This is U2's guy. 1.00

02:18:50.000 Bono's fucking organization. 1.00

02:18:51.000 And then the Halliburton shit. 1.00

02:18:53.000 How much money is missing there? 1.00

02:18:54.000 If Halliburton was like one guy, they would never be able to get away with that.

02:18:57.000 You know, if it was one person, it's like, where's like, you're missing billions.

02:19:01.000 Where is it?

02:19:01.000 I don't know.

02:19:03.000 I don't know.

02:19:03.000 It's gone.

02:19:04.000 But because it's a corporation, you could be missing billions.

02:19:09.000 But the weird thing is, they get to vote like a person.

02:19:13.000 And they get to use money like a person and make donations like a person.

02:19:16.000 So they act as one?

02:19:18.000 Yeah.

02:19:18.000 One of the most recent findings or Supreme Court rulings was that corporations had the same rights as an individual.

02:19:25.000 So they could donate money like an individual can donate. 0.92

02:19:28.000 whatever you want, which is ridiculous.

02:19:30.000 So Vermont is the first state to step up and deny that.

02:19:34.000 Vermont is the first state, they recently announced that they're not going to allow corporations to behave as a human being.

02:19:42.000 And that they're going to judge them in a different way.

02:19:44.000 So it's kind of interesting. 0.82

02:19:46.000 It's interesting that one state finally has the balls to step up. 0.97

02:19:50.000 Vermont is a weird state. 0.98

02:19:51.000 It's always been real kind of hippie.

02:19:53.000 Kind of like Ben and Jerry's Grateful Dead-ish.

02:19:56.000 There's not that many people up there.

02:19:58.000 Isn't that where that Bob Dole guy came from?

02:20:00.000 Not Bob Dole, the other guy.

02:20:02.000 He was running for president.

02:20:04.000 John Kerry?

02:20:04.000 No, no, no.

02:20:05.000 The guy was running for president and then he screamed too much. 1.00

02:20:09.000 Fucking cunt. 1.00

02:20:11.000 You don't know his name. 1.00

02:20:13.000 I'm trying to search.

02:20:14.000 I'm searching my brain.

02:20:15.000 Nothing.

02:20:16.000 I don't remember his name. 0.99

02:20:18.000 God damn it. 0.98

02:20:19.000 He was a really articulate guy. 0.99

02:20:21.000 I'm sure someone on Twitter will tell me almost immediately.

02:20:23.000 He was a really articulate guy, but for whatever reason, he did this one speech where while he was doing the speech, the homeboy started yelling.

02:20:33.000 Just to like...

02:20:34.000 You know, he's just like excited.

02:20:36.000 Then we're gonna, you know, then we're gonna take over New York and then we're gonna take over California.

02:20:40.000 Oh my God.

02:20:41.000 And he was like at a rally and he didn't realize, you know, that the microphone, you know, when you think you're screaming and yelling, you know, and you think that the sound of the crowd is like, you're at the same level, the sound of the crowd, so you can't even hear your own voice.

02:20:52.000 Well, the microphone's right in front of his face.

02:20:54.000 So the microphone is only picking him up.

02:20:56.000 So it sounded like extra, completely crazy.

02:20:59.000 Hmm.

02:21:00.000 Alright, someone will tell me on the message board, please. 0.99

02:21:02.000 Because I know you fuckers know who his name is. 0.99

02:21:06.000 66% of Bono's money. 1.00

02:21:08.000 Howard Dean.

02:21:09.000 Thank you, sir.

02:21:09.000 Mr. Denizen.

02:21:11.000 He came up with it.

02:21:12.000 That's the dude's name.

02:21:12.000 Howard Dean.

02:21:13.000 I believe he was the governor of Vermont. 1.00

02:21:16.000 So it's a freaky little fucking state. 1.00

02:21:18.000 But they stepped up and said that corporations aren't people, you fuckheads. 1.00

02:21:23.000 Will that help? 1.00

02:21:24.000 No.

02:21:24.000 Not unless you move to Vermont.

02:21:27.000 Do you want to move to Vermont?

02:21:28.000 No, it's too cold.

02:21:29.000 Yeah, Vermont?

02:21:29.000 No, my friend Shane lived in that and there was points where it was snowing so bad that he had to drive through tunnels.

02:21:35.000 He was stuck at his house for weeks at times.

02:21:39.000 Oh yeah, that's normal. 1.00

02:21:40.000 Fuck that. 1.00

02:21:41.000 Yeah, Vermont's no joke. 1.00

02:21:42.000 You can't be traveling on the road as much as we do and live in Vermont.

02:21:45.000 So that's out.

02:21:47.000 There was one other thing that I want to talk about before we get out of here.

02:21:50.000 But I don't remember what it is.

02:21:54.000 Got anything, Brian?

02:21:57.000 Yeah.

02:21:57.000 Did you guys hear it?

02:21:58.000 Yeah, I think I already told you.

02:22:00.000 But Flavor Flav has a new chicken.

02:22:03.000 He's selling chicken now.

02:22:04.000 And it's hilarious.

02:22:07.000 It's called Flavor Flav's Fried Chicken.

02:22:09.000 I want it.

02:22:09.000 And it's in, I believe, Iowa.

02:22:12.000 And if you've got to Google it, Google search that and just look at the advertising for it.

02:22:18.000 One, it doesn't even look like Flavor Flav.

02:22:21.000 Flava Flav's fried chicken.

02:22:22.000 Why Iowa?

02:22:22.000 Him mixed with chicken wings.

02:22:24.000 There's a lot of people who love chicken in Iowa.

02:22:26.000 Hilarious stuff.

02:22:26.000 I guess so.

02:22:28.000 Hilarious stuff.

02:22:30.000 Flava Flava's one of those dudes who's just always going to kind of be around.

02:22:33.000 Yeah.

02:22:33.000 You know?

02:22:34.000 Yeah.

02:22:34.000 You don't hear about Chuck D anymore.

02:22:35.000 You never hear about Professor Griff.

02:22:37.000 You don't hear about other members.

02:22:39.000 Yeah.

02:22:39.000 You know?

02:22:40.000 Terminator X? Where's Terminator X, bro?

02:22:42.000 I don't know.

02:22:43.000 I don't know, but Flava Flav.

02:22:45.000 Did you watch the Flava Flav show where they were trying to get him a girlfriend?

02:22:48.000 Yes. 1.00

02:22:49.000 And the one girl who shit on the stairs? 1.00

02:22:51.000 Yes, that was so fucking hilarious. 1.00

02:22:52.000 You didn't see that? 0.98

02:22:53.000 I didn't see that part.

02:22:53.000 Brian, explain to her.

02:22:55.000 Yeah, I saw it.

02:22:56.000 What happened?

02:22:57.000 She passed out and she shitted on the stairs or something like that? 0.69

02:23:00.000 Something like that. 1.00

02:23:00.000 Somewhere or another she shit and it wound up on stairs. 1.00

02:23:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:23:04.000 What the fuck was that? 1.00

02:23:05.000 I think she was walking up the stairs and she shit her pants. 1.00

02:23:07.000 Yeah, poop fell out on the stairs. 0.97

02:23:09.000 How long did he keep her on the show?

02:23:10.000 Oh, I don't know.

02:23:11.000 But I mean, come on. 0.99

02:23:11.000 What kind of human is just shitting themselves? 0.99

02:23:14.000 Yeah, that's funny. 0.99

02:23:14.000 Walking around dropping logs out of their pants. 0.99

02:23:16.000 I want to wish, hope that's completely real too.

02:23:19.000 Oh, it's real?

02:23:19.000 And that's not like some stone director like, dude, just put a little poop coming out.

02:23:23.000 Yeah.

02:23:23.000 He had all the girls make chicken and see what makes the best chicken.

02:23:27.000 And then this one lady served him and he's like, are you serious?

02:23:29.000 This isn't even cooked.

02:23:30.000 I can't believe you'd serve this. 0.99

02:23:31.000 Because she fucked it up. 0.99

02:23:33.000 Well, that's unfortunate. 1.00

02:23:35.000 Kicked her off.

02:23:36.000 Some people aren't that good at making chicken.

02:23:38.000 Guess not.

02:23:40.000 The reality shows don't have to make things up, man.

02:23:43.000 Those shows, they don't have to.

02:23:45.000 You know, shows like Jersey Shore, you don't have to.

02:23:47.000 There's enough craziness out there.

02:23:49.000 Teen moms, you don't have to. 1.00

02:23:50.000 You don't have to make something up.

02:23:51.000 It's like I auditioned for that WWE Divas thing, and then I didn't really know what it was all about.

02:23:56.000 You did?

02:23:57.000 I did.

02:23:57.000 When was this?

02:23:58.000 Last week.

02:23:59.000 Whoa.

02:24:00.000 To be in the house.

02:24:01.000 To be in the house.

02:24:02.000 Oh, it's a show.

02:24:03.000 Yeah, I guess you get in the house, and then you do all these competitive-type things where you battle for a WWE Diva, where you do interviews and fights sometimes.

02:24:11.000 Right.

02:24:11.000 The girl was like, you're almost perfect for this spot, da-da-da.

02:24:14.000 And I was like, sweet.

02:24:14.000 And then I was thinking about it, and I'm like, oh, it's going to be six weeks of filming, and they're going to...

02:24:19.000 It's going to be a crazy reality show, probably, if it did work out.

02:24:22.000 Right.

02:24:22.000 So, what does that mean?

02:24:23.000 I would never want to be in a house for six weeks.

02:24:26.000 I would never do those reality show houses. 0.99

02:24:27.000 Yeah, but when you're 22, what the fuck? 0.87

02:24:29.000 I like taking opportunities that sound kind of crazy, so I actually probably might do it. 0.96

02:24:34.000 So, you're going to do it?

02:24:34.000 It'd be fun.

02:24:34.000 You're going to be a pro wrestler?

02:24:36.000 You know what?

02:24:36.000 Someday when you're a big name pro wrestler and you're on TV and you're battling, we'll say, we called in here first.

02:24:41.000 When you're like an interviewer and then you get drawn into the fight, right?

02:24:45.000 That's what's going to happen, right?

02:24:46.000 That's what they want.

02:24:47.000 Yeah.

02:24:47.000 I think it's a good move.

02:24:49.000 I would say do it.

02:24:50.000 I think it sounds funny.

02:24:50.000 Flex your...

02:24:52.000 What, my neck?

02:24:53.000 What am I doing?

02:24:53.000 No, how you can flex your...

02:24:55.000 Oh, you wouldn't be able to see it in this shirt. 0.99

02:24:57.000 What, you flex your boobs? 0.99

02:24:58.000 My pec muscles. 1.00

02:24:59.000 Oh, okay.

02:25:00.000 That's creepy.

02:25:01.000 She just raises each one.

02:25:02.000 Is she getting you to work out because you guys are hanging out? 1.00

02:25:04.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:25:05.000 You're gonna get a gym pass. 1.00

02:25:06.000 Huh?

02:25:06.000 I can physically train you.

02:25:08.000 Whoa.

02:25:08.000 She's a physical trainer.

02:25:09.000 Powerful alpha male.

02:25:10.000 Female.

02:25:10.000 What?

02:25:12.000 No, I wouldn't.

02:25:13.000 We could just run together.

02:25:14.000 No.

02:25:14.000 No?

02:25:15.000 Not into it?

02:25:16.000 No.

02:25:16.000 You don't care about shape.

02:25:17.000 Shit. 1.00

02:25:18.000 You're happy with your shape. 1.00

02:25:19.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:25:19.000 You're happy with your cigarettes and everything. 1.00

02:25:21.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:25:21.000 You don't need to change. 1.00

02:25:22.000 Don't ever change.

02:25:23.000 Don't change. 1.00

02:25:24.000 West Palm Beach this weekend, you dirty, dirty bitches. 1.00

02:25:27.000 Thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring the show. 1.00

02:25:29.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, again, click the link, type in Rogan.

02:25:33.000 It's all explained for you.

02:25:34.000 You get 15% off.

02:25:35.000 Thank you, Allison.

02:25:36.000 If you guys want to follow Allison on Twitter, it's AllisonRox, R-O-X. And there's two L's in Allison.

02:25:42.000 I didn't know that.

02:25:44.000 Thanks so much for having me on the show.

02:25:45.000 Thanks for being on.

02:25:46.000 It was fun.

02:25:47.000 And Redband is R-E-D-B-A-N. And you probably know mine is just my name. 1.00

02:25:52.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

02:25:53.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:25:55.000 I don't think you know who you are either.

02:25:57.000 I think you're fronting.

02:25:58.000 Alright, we will be back most likely tomorrow.

02:26:00.000 I always say that and sometimes we don't have a show, but I think we're going to put one together tomorrow. 1.00

02:26:04.000 You motherfuckers! 0.99

02:26:05.000 Alright, so this weekend, West Palm Beach Improv, 28th, 29th, and 30th with Ari Shafir. 1.00

02:26:11.000 Next weekend, the big, fat, fucked up show in Vegas. 0.97

02:26:14.000 Friday, February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. 0.99

02:26:17.000 Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir, and me. 0.99

02:26:19.000 It's a big fucking place, but tickets are selling fast, so if you want to get that shit, son, go online at JoeRogan.net. 0.99

02:26:24.000 There's a link for that, too. 1.00

02:26:25.000 Alright.

02:26:25.000 Love you guys.

02:26:26.000 See you soon.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 25, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #74 - Allison Sciulla

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Transcript