The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #745 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:03.000 It's always hard to stop a conversation and then restart it in a natural way after you smoke pot at 10 o'clock in the morning on a Monday.

00:00:13.000 It's just one of those things, right?

00:00:15.000 That's a lot of ifs, yeah.

00:00:17.000 There's just too much going on.

00:00:19.000 Yeah.

00:00:19.000 We can't be asked to start and stop a conversation.

00:00:22.000 That was pretty smooth.

00:00:23.000 He was just like, hey, we're going.

00:00:25.000 Okay, go.

00:00:26.000 Yeah, the pauses are weird, man.

00:00:29.000 Yeah.

00:00:29.000 Like, and start the show.

00:00:31.000 Da-da-da-da-da. 0.90

00:00:33.000 It's weird where you gotta listen to a whole theme song, and then you're like, I gotta wait, and then like, how long does this go?

00:00:39.000 That was the wrong way to do it.

00:00:40.000 We made a few mistakes.

00:00:41.000 The big one was...

00:00:44.000 Oh, is that me?

00:00:45.000 Oops.

00:00:46.000 I haven't done that in a long time.

00:00:48.000 I thought I had this closed.

00:00:50.000 I swear to God I did. 0.99

00:00:51.000 How come the Apple thing, when you hit your Apple TV, presses play on your fucking iTunes on your computer? 0.99

00:00:56.000 Does it? 0.99

00:00:57.000 Yeah, all the time.

00:00:58.000 You're like, no, stop that one, just that one.

00:01:00.000 Oh no, I didn't know that.

00:01:01.000 It does both.

00:01:02.000 Oh no.

00:01:02.000 It hits them both.

00:01:03.000 So if you have Apple TV and the computer open at the same time, so if you're watching it on TV and you have a computer open...

00:01:09.000 Yeah, or if you have a QuickTime file on the desktop or just plays that...

00:01:13.000 Oh wow.

00:01:14.000 How annoying.

00:01:15.000 Yeah.

00:01:16.000 I had to make blockers for the sensor.

00:01:18.000 Sometimes even when it's closed, it still starts it up. 0.98

00:01:21.000 Dude, my fucking phone started making my computer ring the other day. 0.99

00:01:25.000 Making your computer ring? 0.99

00:01:26.000 Yeah, we were in here and my computer was ringing. 0.99

00:01:28.000 I was like, what kind of dog shit new thing is this? 0.99

00:01:31.000 Yeah, I'm sure they're not watching us. 0.99

00:01:32.000 I'm sure they're not watching us.

00:01:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:01:34.000 I'm sure it's totally not air connected and they already look at everything we do.

00:01:38.000 Come on.

00:01:39.000 Come on. 1.00

00:01:40.000 They're fucking up. 1.00

00:01:41.000 We don't even notice it. 1.00

00:01:42.000 I know.

00:01:44.000 It's pretty nuts.

00:01:44.000 How are you making your computer ring?

00:01:46.000 Dude, my phone made my computer ring.

00:01:48.000 They're connected in some way.

00:01:53.000 Some new update.

00:01:55.000 Yeah, some new update. 1.00

00:01:56.000 Made my fucking... 0.99

00:01:57.000 My phone made my computer ring. 0.99

00:01:59.000 Like, what?

00:02:01.000 What are we doing here?

00:02:02.000 Those updates change your life.

00:02:04.000 We are just giving in to the Borg.

00:02:06.000 Why don't we just admit it?

00:02:07.000 Yeah.

00:02:07.000 Why don't we admit it?

00:02:08.000 Yeah.

00:02:08.000 Who's going to be the first one to get their legs cut off for some new bionic legs that make you jump over buildings?

00:02:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:14.000 Bro, you're going to get to keep your cock and bone. 1.00

00:02:16.000 Legs chopped off for what? 1.00

00:02:17.000 You're just going to have fake legs, bro.

00:02:19.000 These legs never get tired, man.

00:02:21.000 Are you tired of walking all the time? 1.00

00:02:23.000 You get your cock and balls, though, right? 1.00

00:02:24.000 You keep your cock and balls, bro. 1.00

00:02:26.000 That's the important part. 1.00

00:02:26.000 Do you want to keep these stupid meat vehicles, or do you want to get the Cyber 2000? 1.00

00:02:31.000 Cyber 2000, two-legged system. 0.99

00:02:33.000 It's amazing, man.

00:02:34.000 It doesn't even feel...

00:02:36.000 You totally feel like your own legs, but they never get tired, dude. 1.00

00:02:39.000 You would only need head and cock. 1.00

00:02:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:43.000 You could replace everything else.

00:02:44.000 I wonder.

00:02:45.000 Here's the question.

00:02:46.000 You could live with everything else being fake.

00:02:49.000 Yes.

00:02:49.000 Maybe fingertips.

00:02:50.000 Maybe.

00:02:51.000 Maybe one hand I'd like to give. 1.00

00:02:53.000 One hand and cock and face. 0.99

00:02:58.000 Here's the thing. 0.73

00:02:59.000 If people are smart enough to start manipulating bodies like that, do you think they're going to keep the same shape that we have now?

00:03:09.000 Oh, why not just go round like the R2-D2 from the new Star Wars?

00:03:12.000 I don't think that's beneficial.

00:03:14.000 Some will try it.

00:03:16.000 Would there be a better design?

00:03:18.000 Than this bipedal hominid form that we use. 0.56

00:03:22.000 Would we get to a point where, aesthetically, we start changing things on people?

00:03:28.000 Yeah, like have chainsaw hands?

00:03:30.000 Well, I was thinking minotaur bodies.

00:03:33.000 How much of you wants to be a person?

00:03:36.000 How many legs you want? 1.00

00:03:38.000 Run a lot faster on four legs.

00:03:40.000 What if it was the first guy to have four legs, and everybody's like, whoa, and for no reason, doesn't make any sense, but girls are like, that's hot. 1.00

00:03:48.000 You have to get lucky. 0.97

00:03:49.000 That's just some fucking freak DNA thing that pops in a female's head when they see a man with four legs, and they just can't help themselves. 1.00

00:03:57.000 Like, oh my god. 1.00

00:04:00.000 He's so hot.

00:04:01.000 I just did this to get faster, but this is nice. 1.00

00:04:03.000 He has two asses. 1.00

00:04:05.000 You know? 1.00

00:04:06.000 Dude, if I got a Minotaur, I would hire all the viral companies and the PR firms.

00:04:12.000 I'm like, get it out there where it's an attractive thing.

00:04:14.000 Make it part of the zeitgeist that everyone says, oh yeah, yeah, that's hot.

00:04:18.000 More legs.

00:04:18.000 It's hotter.

00:04:21.000 Hire Leonardo DiCaprio to say it.

00:04:23.000 That could totally be done.

00:04:25.000 Yeah.

00:04:25.000 You've seen some of the crazy things that people are doing with their bodies these days.

00:04:30.000 Someone would definitely want something different.

00:04:32.000 One wheel?

00:04:33.000 One wheel?

00:04:33.000 Dude, there's so many weird body modifications today, right?

00:04:37.000 I was jealous when those shoes...

00:04:39.000 Remember the wheels came out of the bottom of the shoes for kids?

00:04:42.000 Oh, the wheelies, yeah.

00:04:42.000 But they never made it for adult sizes, and I was pissed about that.

00:04:45.000 Of course I could make feet with wheels on it.

00:04:48.000 You should start a company.

00:04:50.000 Adults, adult.

00:04:50.000 You should license the product.

00:04:52.000 Yeah.

00:04:54.000 Yeah.

00:04:55.000 That's a good idea, actually.

00:04:56.000 Yeah, why is it no fun to do it as an adult?

00:04:59.000 I don't understand the problem.

00:05:01.000 You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself.

00:05:03.000 You're not supposed to be enjoying yourself, Ari.

00:05:06.000 You're a grown-up.

00:05:07.000 You're supposed to have to be a little more mature.

00:05:09.000 Stop it. 1.00

00:05:09.000 You're not supposed to be wheeling around the mall like an asshole. 1.00

00:05:15.000 What is that wheeling thing, man? 1.00

00:05:17.000 I would love it.

00:05:17.000 But you've got to stand on your back feet.

00:05:19.000 Seems like an awkward way to stand.

00:05:21.000 It's probably bad for old people. 1.00

00:05:23.000 They pop in.

00:05:24.000 Backwise.

00:05:24.000 A lot of strain.

00:05:26.000 On that?

00:05:27.000 Back like that.

00:05:29.000 Did you see Tyson wiping out on that?

00:05:31.000 Yeah.

00:05:33.000 Those things, dude, those things, the first time I got on one, I can do one now, but the first time I got on one, it was at the comedy store, and this dude who's a comic, what is his name?

00:05:43.000 Jamie, you know that dude's name?

00:05:44.000 You know what I'm talking about, right?

00:05:46.000 Sir Ben Kingsley?

00:05:48.000 I don't know.

00:05:49.000 Might have been.

00:05:50.000 I forgot his name.

00:05:51.000 Okay.

00:05:51.000 Nice guy.

00:05:52.000 Anyway, he has a white one.

00:05:54.000 He was tooling around the parking lot with Tate.

00:05:56.000 And I go, how hard is it to do?

00:05:58.000 And he goes, try it.

00:05:59.000 I got on it.

00:06:00.000 I couldn't imagine doing it.

00:06:01.000 I got on it and I was like, there's no way I'll ever get good at this. 0.98

00:06:04.000 This is fucking insane. 0.98

00:06:05.000 What is it? 1.00

00:06:06.000 Just two wheels and a base on top of it?

00:06:08.000 It's essentially...

00:06:09.000 It's some form of a gyroscope.

00:06:11.000 And it's like those scooter things that they have at the mall.

00:06:14.000 What are those things called again?

00:06:16.000 Segways?

00:06:16.000 Segways.

00:06:17.000 Those Segway things.

00:06:18.000 Have you ever ridden one of those?

00:06:19.000 No.

00:06:20.000 Really fun.

00:06:21.000 Kevin James had one on the set of that Zookeeper movie.

00:06:24.000 Yeah?

00:06:24.000 He actually had a couple of them, and he would zing around the park in them.

00:06:27.000 Dude, they are fucking fun. 0.98

00:06:29.000 They're really cool. 0.99

00:06:30.000 But when they run out of batteries, you go flying.

00:06:33.000 Really?

00:06:34.000 Another stopper?

00:06:35.000 Another uprighter?

00:06:36.000 Dude, the battery just breaks.

00:06:37.000 If the battery runs out of juice, you go down hard, son.

00:06:41.000 Because the only reason why it's keeping you up, but you're not doing that yourself.

00:06:45.000 It's a gyroscope.

00:06:47.000 It's counterbalancing you as you move.

00:06:49.000 Oh, really?

00:06:49.000 Yeah, it allows you to be way stable.

00:06:51.000 Oh, you could definitely fall.

00:06:52.000 You definitely can fall.

00:06:53.000 But it's really easy to ride.

00:06:56.000 I hope I'm saying gyroscope properly or explaining the physics behind it.

00:07:01.000 I have no idea what a gyroscope is, to be honest.

00:07:03.000 Self-balancing scooter is what they call them.

00:07:04.000 Yeah.

00:07:05.000 Would you say that it's run like a gyroscope?

00:07:08.000 Is that...

00:07:09.000 Am I making things up?

00:07:10.000 What's a gyroscope?

00:07:11.000 The thing that you get at the Air and Space Museum where you pull the string and it spins forever?

00:07:14.000 The thing that's keeping balance of how steady something is and how upright it is. 0.98

00:07:19.000 Can you pull up the definition of gyroscope, just so I don't feel like an idiot?

00:07:23.000 I just want to know if that's what it is, because I've always been saying that, but now that I'm thinking while I'm saying it, am I right that that's a gyroscope?

00:07:31.000 I have no idea what a gyroscope is.

00:07:33.000 Whatever it is, whatever this technology they've invented for Segways...

00:07:37.000 Yeah, that's that thing!

00:07:37.000 You pull the string and it stays spinning forever?

00:07:40.000 Yeah!

00:07:41.000 The orientation of the axis is unaffected by tilting or rotation of the mounting.

00:07:46.000 Okay, so that does make sense.

00:07:49.000 They're also in, like, drones to keep them upright.

00:07:51.000 Oh.

00:07:51.000 Oh, really?

00:07:52.000 They also use GPS to help them keep upright, too.

00:07:54.000 Good lord.

00:07:55.000 See, that drone almost smashed that skier.

00:07:57.000 Yeah, we watched it. 1.00

00:07:58.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:08:00.000 Do you know about that guy who died in the Segway? 1.00

00:08:02.000 A guy died?

00:08:03.000 He went off a cliff.

00:08:04.000 Oh, one of the guys that owned the company?

00:08:05.000 Yeah, the inventor of it.

00:08:08.000 Died on a Segway going off a cliff.

00:08:10.000 When he went to patent that thing, my friend worked at the patent office when he came in.

00:08:14.000 He didn't submit any, like, blueprints.

00:08:16.000 He just brought one in and had everybody ride it.

00:08:18.000 First of all, why is he near a cliff?

00:08:20.000 Why is he near a cliff?

00:08:21.000 Why did he do that?

00:08:22.000 He's off-road Segway.

00:08:23.000 Oh, he went off the cliff in an off-road Segway?

00:08:27.000 Oh, what a terrible idea.

00:08:29.000 Do they have that?

00:08:30.000 I don't know, but if they do, that's a terrible idea.

00:08:32.000 Off-road Segway. 0.85

00:08:33.000 Because unless those things are, like, way improved, I would think that the batteries, like, if you're hitting rocks and shit... 0.88

00:08:40.000 Yeah, giant tires.

00:08:41.000 The idea of, like, running over a rock and hitting your electrical system, me, as someone with zero knowledge of even how electricity works, I'm just gonna comment on this, Ari.

00:08:52.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:08:54.000 I don't even know what the fuck electricity is. 0.99

00:08:56.000 I know you can't stick a fork in the hole or you die. 0.99

00:09:00.000 That's what I know. 1.00

00:09:03.000 I'm such a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:09:05.000 People are like, you can live if you hold on to the telephone wire because your feet don't connect. 1.00

00:09:10.000 Like, shut up. 0.99

00:09:11.000 You don't know any of that. 1.00

00:09:12.000 What is this, dude?

00:09:14.000 What are you showing me?

00:09:14.000 A TV shredder.

00:09:15.000 It looks like an off-road Segway.

00:09:18.000 Oh my god!

00:09:20.000 Is this real?

00:09:21.000 Yeah, it looks like it.

00:09:21.000 Look, he's wearing a whole gas mask.

00:09:23.000 This looks like Halo.

00:09:24.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:09:25.000 This is like a fucking... 0.99

00:09:26.000 Oh my god! 1.00

00:09:27.000 He's wearing a business suit.

00:09:29.000 This is insane!

00:09:30.000 It's got tires like a tank.

00:09:33.000 It's got tank tires on a Segway.

00:09:35.000 That is so crazy looking.

00:09:37.000 Is that dude in a suit?

00:09:38.000 Is there a video?

00:09:38.000 You gotta show me a video of this.

00:09:40.000 And it goes side saddle like skateboards?

00:09:42.000 Yeah, I guess, right?

00:09:45.000 That guy in that position is.

00:09:46.000 Yeah.

00:09:47.000 That seems weird.

00:09:50.000 That seems like a weird way to stand.

00:09:52.000 Maybe it's just that one picture. 1.00

00:09:55.000 Look at this fucking thing! 1.00

00:09:57.000 It's a little mini tank that is badass! 1.00

00:10:04.000 Like, fucking why not, right? 1.00

00:10:06.000 Oh, he's going off the wall. 1.00

00:10:08.000 No way.

00:10:09.000 Oh, I thought he was going to jump. 1.00

00:10:11.000 That's the dumbest fucking thing. 1.00

00:10:13.000 It was just a seesaw. 1.00

00:10:17.000 It's another seesaw.

00:10:19.000 He's going on the seesaw.

00:10:20.000 Why is he doing this? 1.00

00:10:20.000 This is one of the dumbest tricks. 1.00

00:10:22.000 Well, I guess it's to show that he can go over obstacles. 1.00

00:10:26.000 Oh, whoa.

00:10:26.000 Oh, my God.

00:10:29.000 Like, nothing.

00:10:29.000 Hell, yes.

00:10:30.000 Oh, this thing is actually really badass.

00:10:33.000 Dude, podcast over.

00:10:34.000 Let's go get one of those.

00:10:35.000 This thing is insane.

00:10:38.000 Oh, wow.

00:10:39.000 Okay, but you can hop off easy.

00:10:41.000 Dude, this is crazy.

00:10:43.000 What is it called?

00:10:45.000 This is a DTV shredder.

00:10:48.000 Here's the thing, it's not even that heavy.

00:10:50.000 Like when he falls down, you see when he just fell down?

00:10:53.000 Look, he just picks it up and moves it.

00:10:55.000 Like it's not that big a deal.

00:10:57.000 Yeah, look, it's not like a motorcycle. 0.98

00:10:59.000 That's why they're showing it fucking up. 0.99

00:10:59.000 What are we doing, a fucking commercial for this? 0.99

00:11:01.000 Seems like we're doing a commercial for this. 0.99

00:11:03.000 I never even heard of this until seconds ago, I swear. 1.00

00:11:05.000 This is bullshit. 0.99

00:11:06.000 I see what you're doing, dude. 1.00

00:11:08.000 They've got fucking product placement, man. 0.99

00:11:10.000 DTV slash Joe Rogan right now. 0.99

00:11:12.000 You get 10% off.

00:11:14.000 10% off a new DTV. Free shipping.

00:11:17.000 What the fuck is that, man? 0.99

00:11:18.000 And your shredder plates. 1.00

00:11:19.000 That's like some 14-year-old boy got like 10 million bucks.

00:11:26.000 And said, dude, I'm starting my own company.

00:11:29.000 You know that bit you have about rappers?

00:11:30.000 You had about rappers getting everything in their home?

00:11:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:11:33.000 That's the white version of that.

00:11:35.000 That is the white version.

00:11:36.000 Yeah, ATVs are like a white man's treasure. 1.00

00:11:40.000 Like an ATV, if you're white trash and you got like really powerful ATVs, like you were running shit. 1.00

00:11:47.000 You got a good piece of land where you could just drive through mud. 1.00

00:11:50.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:11:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:11:51.000 Let's go to Bobby's. 1.00

00:11:53.000 Ride those ATVs.

00:11:55.000 Mudden. 1.00

00:11:56.000 That's fun as shit. 0.99

00:11:57.000 You ever ride on one of those? 0.99

00:11:58.000 ATVs?

00:11:59.000 Oh my god, they're so fun.

00:12:00.000 Really?

00:12:01.000 Yeah.

00:12:01.000 The three wheel things?

00:12:02.000 Well, they're four wheels.

00:12:04.000 But those like motorcycle type things, right?

00:12:06.000 Yeah, they're like motorcycle things.

00:12:07.000 Yeah.

00:12:07.000 You've done it?

00:12:07.000 They're fun as shit.

00:12:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:09.000 I've been in a bunch of different kind of little buggies.

00:12:11.000 Do you jump them and stuff?

00:12:12.000 Oh, no, no, no, no.

00:12:14.000 Just driving through the woods in them.

00:12:16.000 They're really fun.

00:12:17.000 Oh.

00:12:18.000 Is it bounce everywhere?

00:12:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:12:20.000 It's really bouncy.

00:12:20.000 But they can get out of anything.

00:12:22.000 And they go into the woods and drive over logs with them and shit. 1.00

00:12:24.000 Hell yeah. 0.99

00:12:25.000 They take those things up in Canada.

00:12:26.000 And my friends in Canada, the Rivets, they run this hunting camp in Canada.

00:12:30.000 They have an Argo.

00:12:32.000 An Argo is like a mini tank.

00:12:34.000 It goes amphibian.

00:12:36.000 It goes through the water.

00:12:38.000 Really?

00:12:38.000 Dude, it's crazy, these things.

00:12:40.000 Who has that?

00:12:40.000 My friend John Rivet.

00:12:43.000 From up in Canada.

00:12:44.000 What?

00:12:44.000 Well, he needs it.

00:12:45.000 He goes moose hunting. 0.99

00:12:46.000 So they'll kill a moose and they have to drag it out of the woods and they have it on this fucking mini tank. 1.00

00:12:52.000 Whoa. 0.99

00:12:53.000 Dude, you have to see this thing.

00:12:55.000 They have different wheels for them.

00:12:57.000 Like sometimes they have like wheels, like giant truck tires, but other times they put tank treads on them and they can go deep into the woods. 0.99

00:13:05.000 They just drive through shit. 0.99

00:13:08.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:13:08.000 Like, you could buy a tank. 1.00

00:13:09.000 That sounds fun.

00:13:11.000 See, pull up a video of an Argo so I can show him what he's talking about.

00:13:15.000 These dudes, the Rivets, they have all sorts of ATVs, but this Argo is the mother.

00:13:19.000 This is the mother. 1.00

00:13:21.000 Like, if you're stuck, this motherfucker will get you out. 1.00

00:13:24.000 It's the mother. 1.00

00:13:25.000 It just goes deep into the woods.

00:13:27.000 It's a tank! 1.00

00:13:29.000 It's a fucking small tank! 1.00

00:13:30.000 It just gets over everything? 1.00

00:13:31.000 Everything!

00:13:32.000 Logs!

00:13:32.000 Look at it, look at it, look at it.

00:13:34.000 Okay, this is one of them...

00:13:36.000 This is, they have some of them- Take the Nigerian army.

00:13:39.000 What?

00:13:39.000 They're going through the water?

00:13:41.000 Yes?

00:13:41.000 And over the snow?

00:13:41.000 And see the tank treads?

00:13:43.000 Oh yeah!

00:13:44.000 Freedom, versatility. 1.00

00:13:45.000 You can drive through water with these fucking things. 1.00

00:13:48.000 Wow. 1.00

00:13:49.000 Why are they showing a dollar bill? 1.00

00:13:50.000 They have, I don't know, some hillbilly shit. 0.99

00:13:55.000 Whoever's making them, you know, they're appealing to the Duck Dynasty crowd. 0.99

00:13:58.000 This is video over a dollar bill.

00:13:59.000 But back that up.

00:14:00.000 Back that up so you can see where the one has the tread.

00:14:02.000 Look at that right there.

00:14:03.000 Wow.

00:14:03.000 Where you can see the tank tread.

00:14:03.000 Oh, he's plopped.

00:14:04.000 He's put on Christmas trees in the snow.

00:14:06.000 Dude, he's got tank tread.

00:14:08.000 There's tank tread on these things. 1.00

00:14:10.000 I mean, it's a fucking tank. 0.99

00:14:12.000 It's a tank for the forest. 1.00

00:14:15.000 See, girls right now would be so angry if they were here. 1.00

00:14:18.000 Who cares?

00:14:20.000 Why do you care?

00:14:22.000 We don't live in the forest.

00:14:24.000 Ladies, I'm so sorry that we don't see things the same way.

00:14:28.000 This is like for a girl. 0.99

00:14:30.000 Going through creeks and shit would be cool. 0.99

00:14:32.000 What would be the female equivalent for something like this? 0.99

00:14:35.000 Like awesome handbags?

00:14:37.000 Girls with awesome shoes. 0.60

00:14:39.000 A shoes thing, right?

00:14:40.000 It'd be a shoes thing.

00:14:41.000 A man with money?

00:14:44.000 Older man with money and a heart condition.

00:14:48.000 Oh my god, you have got to see this one.

00:14:50.000 Look, he can barely breathe.

00:14:52.000 Look how fat his wallet is.

00:14:55.000 Isn't that terrifying that some old dudes like that really are preyed upon like that?

00:15:01.000 Yeah, nobody protects them.

00:15:03.000 There's no like, guys, come on, they can't make their own decisions.

00:15:07.000 I know a dude who got taken.

00:15:09.000 Really?

00:15:10.000 An older dude.

00:15:11.000 By a Sofia Vergara?

00:15:12.000 No, he had a younger girlfriend that he met on one of those weird dating sites.

00:15:18.000 And two years in, she was involved in his business.

00:15:24.000 Hundreds of thousands of dollars went missing.

00:15:26.000 It just got to this weird state.

00:15:29.000 He had to jettison the experience.

00:15:32.000 Yeah.

00:15:32.000 Yeah, man.

00:15:33.000 It's old dudes. 0.99

00:15:35.000 Old people in general, you know? 0.99

00:15:37.000 You start getting older, you truly don't want to be alone.

00:15:40.000 And if you're really old and you're wealthy, and you just find some girl who seems so nice, but every time she makes your tea, you just start...

00:15:49.000 Just start feeling weird.

00:15:52.000 Diarrhea, and I don't know what's going on.

00:15:55.000 There's something wrong with me.

00:15:55.000 Maybe you're anxious because of the new girl.

00:15:57.000 Maybe.

00:15:58.000 It's just, maybe I just, you know, I haven't been having sex since my wife died, and I'm 85 years old now, and I can't believe this girl even wants to be with me.

00:16:07.000 I mean, it's just, what a treasure, and what a blessing from the Lord. 0.58

00:16:11.000 But God, every time she makes me this tea, I'm just shitting myself.

00:16:15.000 He doesn't want to admit it.

00:16:17.000 Are you okay, baby?

00:16:18.000 We're still gonna do it?

00:16:19.000 Do you not think I'm hot anymore?

00:16:21.000 He said, baby, I love you.

00:16:23.000 I just, you know, I'm 85 years old.

00:16:26.000 One second, I just go... 1.00

00:16:28.000 Ass, blood. 1.00

00:16:31.000 Slowly, but she's eating through his insides. 1.00

00:16:34.000 Those fucking shows, like those murder shows, where they talk about... 1.00

00:16:42.000 No, no, no. 1.00

00:16:43.000 Where you talk about different people that it did...

00:16:46.000 Like there was one that was a nurse that was purposely poisoning all of the people that she was taking care of. 1.00

00:16:54.000 Why? 0.96

00:16:55.000 She was crazy.

00:16:56.000 No reason? 0.99

00:16:57.000 She was crazy. 0.51

00:16:58.000 She was purposely poisoning patients. 0.99

00:17:02.000 To get out of work.

00:17:03.000 Yeah.

00:17:05.000 I don't think she was doing it to get out of work.

00:17:06.000 I think she was just killing people. 1.00

00:17:08.000 I think she was just crazy. 0.97

00:17:09.000 It was a few years back.

00:17:11.000 But the idea that someone would...

00:17:15.000 Would want to consciously, slowly kill someone with a poison.

00:17:20.000 Like, oof. 0.99

00:17:22.000 Oof. 1.00

00:17:22.000 How about you just move on with your life, bitch? 1.00

00:17:25.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:17:25.000 Leave that poor guy in the bed alone. 1.00

00:17:27.000 No, she got off on it or something, right?

00:17:29.000 Oh yeah, something.

00:17:30.000 She was killing them while they were in her care. 1.00

00:17:33.000 Do you ever think about what it would be like to kill somebody?

00:17:35.000 Oh god, it's dark. 0.76

00:17:38.000 Oof.

00:17:41.000 It's amazing how few people kill people, really, when you think about it.

00:17:44.000 How mad people get at each other, and how few people actually get killed.

00:17:49.000 We're awesome.

00:17:50.000 We're doing pretty good. 0.96

00:17:51.000 We're fucking hanging in there, man. 0.97

00:17:53.000 You know? 0.99

00:17:54.000 I mean, think about how many times.

00:17:55.000 I walk around in no fear of any physical violence.

00:17:59.000 Yeah, almost never.

00:18:00.000 You have to be in the total wrong place at the total wrong time.

00:18:03.000 Or drinking.

00:18:05.000 If you're drinking, anything can happen.

00:18:08.000 Especially if you're one of those guys.

00:18:09.000 But I just freely walk around with plenty of money in my pocket.

00:18:13.000 Just for anyone to...

00:18:15.000 I just mean everyone has a wallet.

00:18:18.000 So you keep your cash.

00:18:20.000 How long before that's not real anymore?

00:18:22.000 How long before paper money just is gone?

00:18:25.000 That's gotta be coming, right?

00:18:26.000 I'm ready for the chip.

00:18:29.000 You're ready to give in to the Borg.

00:18:31.000 Someone's ready to give in to the Borg and get some horse legs. 0.96

00:18:35.000 In order for the phone to work, you have to get horse legs. 1.00

00:18:39.000 That's what they're gonna do.

00:18:41.000 Yeah, and eventually they're like, okay, anyone who doesn't still have the chip in and the horse legs, we're gonna give you free ones now.

00:18:46.000 Because everyone has to be on.

00:18:48.000 Like with the TV. It would be like certain things you couldn't get.

00:18:51.000 You couldn't get on the internet anymore.

00:18:54.000 They will deprive you of your services.

00:18:56.000 I just got a text saying, my phone will no longer work overseas.

00:19:01.000 But if you want an overseas phone, they can get me one.

00:19:05.000 It's hilarious.

00:19:06.000 If you don't know, ladies and gentlemen, Ari Shafir has done one of the bravest things that any man has ever done.

00:19:11.000 He went from an iPhone to a flip phone.

00:19:14.000 The jankiest little 1979 technology flip phone ever.

00:19:20.000 At the time, it was super advanced, like what you're sporting in your pocket at one point in time.

00:19:25.000 At one point, yeah, absolutely.

00:19:26.000 Yeah, it's undeniably.

00:19:28.000 Yeah.

00:19:28.000 Undeniably super advanced.

00:19:29.000 I had to find this one.

00:19:31.000 The first was just the free, like, Best Buy, go get it over there.

00:19:36.000 Yeah, you started off with a regular one when you had to do like four presses to get an S. That was impossible.

00:19:41.000 That was really, really tough on me. 1.00

00:19:44.000 It's so stupid! 1.00

00:19:45.000 Yeah, this double flip is the future, man! 1.00

00:19:49.000 Well, you know what the real future is?

00:19:50.000 Voice recognition.

00:19:52.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:19:52.000 This whole typing thing is so stupid. 1.00

00:19:56.000 It's gone. 1.00

00:19:57.000 It's on its way out.

00:19:58.000 It's so close.

00:19:59.000 It's so close.

00:20:00.000 Yeah.

00:20:01.000 They're so good now.

00:20:02.000 The one you showed me was dead on.

00:20:03.000 It's insane.

00:20:04.000 I use it for notes all the time.

00:20:07.000 I'll say something into notes and it comes out almost perfect.

00:20:11.000 Like weird things get spelled wrong if it's a weird name or something like that.

00:20:15.000 But that's to be expected.

00:20:16.000 It spells it phonetically.

00:20:18.000 Got Ari.

00:20:19.000 Got Ari? 0.87

00:20:20.000 Yeah.

00:20:20.000 You know what else did?

00:20:21.000 Washington Post.

00:20:22.000 Is that what it was?

00:20:23.000 Yeah, Washington Post.

00:20:23.000 Crossword puzzle.

00:20:24.000 Washington Post. 0.99

00:20:24.000 Ari Shafir was a goddamn answer to a crossword puzzle, ladies and gentlemen. 0.99

00:20:28.000 So, suck it, haters. 1.00

00:20:30.000 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 1.00

00:20:31.000 My mom and sister sent it to me.

00:20:33.000 That's hilarious.

00:20:34.000 They said they were getting all sorts of phone calls.

00:20:36.000 Yeah.

00:20:36.000 And I was like, no way.

00:20:37.000 That's such a non-comedy...

00:20:40.000 Yeah.

00:20:41.000 You've transcended, son.

00:20:43.000 So weird.

00:20:44.000 Unquestionably.

00:20:45.000 You've now transcended.

00:20:47.000 That's like a George milestone.

00:20:48.000 Comedian Shafir.

00:20:49.000 Boom! 0.99

00:20:49.000 47 across. 0.99

00:20:50.000 Suck it! 1.00

00:20:54.000 Weird. 1.00

00:20:55.000 That's it.

00:20:55.000 You're famous.

00:20:57.000 You're on TV. What do you expect, man?

00:20:58.000 You have to, at that point, be, like, there enough for someone to get it.

00:21:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:04.000 If they don't suck it. 0.99

00:21:06.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:09.000 You're doing the right thing, though.

00:21:10.000 I like the fact.

00:21:12.000 I would never do what you're doing with your phone.

00:21:13.000 Yeah.

00:21:14.000 But I like what you're doing.

00:21:15.000 What you're doing is you're looking at the data.

00:21:18.000 And deciding, okay, how much willpower do I have?

00:21:21.000 Not enough. 1.00

00:21:21.000 Fuck this. 1.00

00:21:22.000 Yeah, there you go. 1.00

00:21:23.000 That's the way to put it.

00:21:24.000 I analyzed the stats on my life, and I was like, oh, I can't stop.

00:21:28.000 But you did it very intelligently.

00:21:30.000 Like, it's very difficult to do.

00:21:31.000 It's very difficult for people to not just look at some weird addiction that they might have, but to say, okay, even though there's all this amazing convenience of being able to buy movie tickets and being able to check websites and answer emails on your phone,

00:21:47.000 it's not worth it.

00:21:48.000 That's a justification.

00:21:49.000 It's not worth it.

00:21:50.000 It's too much.

00:21:51.000 Well, you know how when you see someone on TV smoking cigarettes?

00:21:54.000 You never really smoked, huh?

00:21:56.000 No, I never smoked.

00:21:56.000 When you see somebody, it just triggers.

00:21:59.000 Like, oh, I need to smoke too.

00:22:00.000 Or as soon as you get in your car, some people smoke, no matter what.

00:22:03.000 Or whenever I went to the comedy store, I would smoke.

00:22:06.000 You know what's funny, though?

00:22:07.000 When I see people get high, it does the opposite.

00:22:10.000 It makes you not want to get high? 0.99

00:22:11.000 It makes me go, oh my god, do I sound that stupid when I'm high? 1.00

00:22:16.000 You know, because sometimes you'll say things when you're high, and as you're saying them, you would listen to me, and you would go, oh my god, he's an idiot. 1.00

00:22:23.000 But believe me, I'm saying, oh my god, I'm an idiot. 1.00

00:22:28.000 As I'm saying it, I'm thinking I'm an idiot. 1.00

00:22:31.000 Yeah, sometimes I'm like, somebody should write this down and alert the media, because it's brilliant. 0.98

00:22:34.000 And then you're here the next day, and you're like, what?

00:22:36.000 What?

00:22:36.000 I did a scene on news radio once with Bob Costa.

00:22:40.000 Yeah.

00:22:40.000 Who's a very nice guy.

00:22:41.000 Bob Costa's great.

00:22:43.000 He's a very, very intelligent guy, too.

00:22:44.000 And we had this scene, and he beats me up.

00:22:48.000 He has to flip me. 0.99

00:22:49.000 He does this judo flip and beats my ass for some strange reason. 0.99

00:22:54.000 But afterwards, we were all out talking. 0.99

00:22:58.000 And while we were talking, I had smoked pot.

00:23:01.000 And I was rambling to him.

00:23:04.000 Yeah.

00:23:07.000 As I remember talking to him about DuPont making the chemical compound for nylon at the same time when they made hemp illegal. 1.00

00:23:18.000 Like some stupid ass story. 1.00

00:23:19.000 And in the middle of it, I'm like, while words are coming out of my mouth, I'm going, shut the fuck up! 1.00

00:23:25.000 Your brain is telling you, hey man, stop this. 1.00

00:23:27.000 Shut up! 1.00

00:23:29.000 What did you do? 1.00

00:23:30.000 What did you say?

00:23:31.000 Oh, I don't know.

00:23:31.000 I mean, he's a gentleman.

00:23:33.000 I'm sure he didn't even call me on it.

00:23:35.000 I just realized it while I was doing it.

00:23:37.000 He's a super nice guy.

00:23:39.000 He's a really, really interesting guy.

00:23:41.000 Very, very smart.

00:23:43.000 You know, there's certain dudes that you talk to, you go, oh, okay. 0.99

00:23:46.000 Like, you're fucking sharp. 0.93

00:23:48.000 There's a few guys like that. 0.99

00:23:50.000 He's a very sharp guy.

00:23:52.000 You know, and he's in that interesting position, too, as a sports commentator who also gives, like, really well-thought-out opinions, agree with him or disagree with him, about gun violence, about a lot of other things,

00:24:08.000 about, like, important social issues.

00:24:10.000 Yeah, Bob Costas.

00:24:11.000 Oh.

00:24:12.000 You know who I'm talking about, right?

00:24:13.000 Yeah, I thought you said Bob Costa.

00:24:15.000 I thought it was just another person.

00:24:17.000 That guy.

00:24:17.000 Yeah.

00:24:18.000 Bob Costas.

00:24:19.000 Yeah, you got it.

00:24:20.000 Yeah.

00:24:20.000 See the diaper guy?

00:24:21.000 The diaper guy.

00:24:22.000 Who's the diaper one? 1.00

00:24:23.000 Bob Costas is the guy that does football, right?

00:24:27.000 Marv Albert.

00:24:28.000 I have no idea.

00:24:29.000 Bob Costas used to do that late night show.

00:24:31.000 Yeah.

00:24:32.000 Later with Bob Costas?

00:24:33.000 Yeah.

00:24:34.000 Something like that.

00:24:34.000 That was, right?

00:24:35.000 Later with Bob Costas.

00:24:36.000 He had a shot at late night for a little while. 1.00

00:24:37.000 Super fucking smart guy, man. 1.00

00:24:40.000 How dumb is that billboard for that late night show where they're making that daily show girl be a girl? 1.00

00:24:47.000 Oh, the one we were looking at in the middle of a while. 0.99

00:24:50.000 Yeah.

00:24:50.000 Well, you know, they're just trying to get your attention.

00:24:53.000 It says, like, if you don't like it, you're sexist.

00:24:55.000 Or if you don't watch it, you're sexist.

00:24:56.000 Even the name of it, full front. 0.99

00:24:58.000 It's just like, come on, let them fucking just be a host. 0.98

00:25:01.000 All of them. 0.99

00:25:01.000 All the minorities. 0.99

00:25:02.000 They just keep pushing them into, like, being that thing.

00:25:04.000 A girl's a minority? 1.00

00:25:05.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:25:06.000 Just because it's a girl?

00:25:07.000 On TV. That's an interesting way of putting it.

00:25:09.000 I've never heard a girl be described as a minority.

00:25:11.000 Even though they're 52%?

00:25:12.000 Yeah.

00:25:13.000 They're the underrepresented on television.

00:25:15.000 What's the ratio?

00:25:17.000 On TV? Yeah.

00:25:18.000 I have no idea.

00:25:19.000 What did you say?

00:25:19.000 Underrepresented?

00:25:20.000 Less than half.

00:25:22.000 People on TV are girls? 1.00

00:25:24.000 Yeah.

00:25:24.000 Really?

00:25:25.000 Just a bunch of dudes?

00:25:27.000 Really?

00:25:29.000 I'm trying to think about movies or TV shows.

00:25:33.000 Walking Dead seems to have an even number.

00:25:38.000 They have an even number of boys and girls.

00:25:40.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:25:41.000 And somehow those people aren't hooking up.

00:25:43.000 Like, what are we living forever?

00:25:43.000 No, some of them are.

00:25:44.000 Remember?

00:25:44.000 Ah, couple.

00:25:46.000 Barely.

00:25:47.000 And they just fall deeply in love while they fight off the zombies. 0.99

00:25:49.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.98

00:25:51.000 They never even fight. 0.99

00:25:52.000 Remember What's-His-Name was watching him in that one episode? 0.99

00:25:54.000 He was just staring at them fuck? 0.99

00:25:55.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

00:25:56.000 The comedian?

00:25:57.000 What's his name?

00:25:59.000 Josh.

00:25:59.000 Josh McDermott.

00:26:00.000 Josh McDermott, yeah.

00:26:01.000 Josh McDermott.

00:26:01.000 He's just there and he's like, Josh is looking at us again.

00:26:04.000 He goes, let him look.

00:26:05.000 Do you remember how we worked with Josh?

00:26:07.000 Did you do that gig?

00:26:08.000 You didn't do that gig?

00:26:09.000 Was it Duncan?

00:26:10.000 It might have been Duncan and me.

00:26:13.000 We're in Arizona?

00:26:14.000 Yeah, we were in Arizona and this was, I think this was a Diaz no-show.

00:26:18.000 That's how it started it, back in the day.

00:26:21.000 For the people who don't know, the reason I went out on the road with Joe Rogan is because he needed a second person to open for him.

00:26:27.000 Because Diaz was, at best, 70-30 to show up.

00:26:30.000 It was more than that.

00:26:31.000 He was more than that.

00:26:32.000 In all fairness, there was only a few instances where it didn't work out.

00:26:36.000 But you didn't want to get stuck with nobody, so you're like, fine, I'll have two.

00:26:39.000 Just in case he shows up, we'll have two.

00:26:41.000 No big deal.

00:26:42.000 I love Joey.

00:26:43.000 And I always felt like I have an obligation to let Joey be Joey.

00:26:47.000 What a great employer.

00:26:49.000 When it's like, oh, you might not show up today, I'll just hire more people to do your job also so that we don't have this problem.

00:26:55.000 I knew way back in the day that Joey was special.

00:26:59.000 He's a special guy.

00:27:00.000 And he's special.

00:27:01.000 He's important for everybody.

00:27:03.000 He's like an engine.

00:27:04.000 And he's beautiful.

00:27:07.000 If you get close to him, he's beautiful.

00:27:09.000 He's the best.

00:27:11.000 He's the best.

00:27:12.000 That guy shines inside.

00:27:14.000 That's why we all love to be around him.

00:27:16.000 He calls you.

00:27:17.000 Even if you're busy or something, you're like, this will be a 90-second phone call.

00:27:21.000 He does those check-in phone calls every day.

00:27:23.000 Yeah.

00:27:24.000 I mean, he's a classic original.

00:27:26.000 But he had problems back then.

00:27:29.000 But you saw something, right?

00:27:30.000 I knew it.

00:27:31.000 I just knew it.

00:27:32.000 I just knew it.

00:27:33.000 Oh, man.

00:27:33.000 I was like, this guy just needs to be...

00:27:35.000 Just leave him alone.

00:27:36.000 He'll figure it out.

00:27:37.000 He's closing out my storyteller show again. 0.99

00:27:39.000 He's a monster!

00:27:40.000 We're going to end the season with him every year. 0.99

00:27:42.000 He's a monster.

00:27:43.000 He could do that forever, by the way. 0.98

00:27:45.000 He never runs out of stories.

00:27:47.000 It's insane.

00:27:48.000 I've never met anybody who...

00:27:49.000 I've known him for, what? 0.99

00:27:52.000 Fucking almost 20 years. 0.99

00:27:53.000 And he just always has new stories. 0.99

00:27:55.000 Yeah.

00:27:56.000 And people go, this didn't happen.

00:27:58.000 Yeah, no.

00:27:59.000 He gets verification. 1.00

00:28:00.000 Verification, cocksucker! 1.00

00:28:02.000 Fucking call people up, put them on speakerphone. 1.00

00:28:04.000 Tell them that fucking time. 1.00

00:28:06.000 Verification. 1.00

00:28:07.000 With Joey Babaluno in fucking North Bergen. 0.99

00:28:09.000 And he has these conversations with people. 0.98

00:28:12.000 Oh, verification's great.

00:28:13.000 It's verification.

00:28:14.000 Remember Tripoli called you for verification?

00:28:16.000 That's right.

00:28:16.000 What was it?

00:28:17.000 I don't remember what it was.

00:28:18.000 What was the verification?

00:28:19.000 He come from on stage.

00:28:20.000 He calls you and you were at the improv.

00:28:22.000 Yeah, what was the question?

00:28:24.000 He was like, this girl said that we're not friends.

00:28:27.000 And I said I have you on my phone or something like that.

00:28:30.000 That's exactly what it was.

00:28:31.000 Perfect verification.

00:28:31.000 That's right.

00:28:32.000 The fact that I'm getting him on the phone proves it.

00:28:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:28:34.000 It was a heckler who's being mean to him.

00:28:38.000 Nobody's better with hecklers than Tripoli.

00:28:39.000 Oh, well, Tripoli's been in the trenches.

00:28:42.000 He's been in the trenches.

00:28:43.000 Yeah, Diaz is...

00:28:45.000 Yeah.

00:28:46.000 Tripoli's a comedy store, dude.

00:28:47.000 Those comedy store guys, especially us from, like, the 90s...

00:28:51.000 Yeah.

00:28:52.000 There was no...

00:28:53.000 It was terrible.

00:28:53.000 Nobody was...

00:28:54.000 There was no crowd control.

00:28:56.000 I can't believe he would get off like, is no one?

00:28:58.000 I'm fighting for 10 minutes, no one's even telling him to shut up?

00:29:01.000 How come? 1.00

00:29:02.000 Dude, fucking Holtzman got knocked out. 1.00

00:29:04.000 Remember? 1.00

00:29:05.000 He got punched in the face by someone's bodyguard.

00:29:09.000 Holtzman one time tackled somebody.

00:29:14.000 They were walking by the front row in the original room, and they walked in between the front row of chairs and the table chairs.

00:29:23.000 There's one right against the stage, and there's one with the tables.

00:29:28.000 So they were walking in between there, and he saw them, and he just leaned over and grabbed onto their shoulders and just left his body weight, this drop, and he just brought them to the ground.

00:29:37.000 They were just going back to their seat. 1.00

00:29:39.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:29:40.000 Oh my god! 1.00

00:29:43.000 Okay, let me ask you this.

00:29:44.000 As a responsible person and an adult, if you're running that business, do you fire him?

00:29:49.000 What do you do?

00:29:50.000 Is that how you look at it?

00:29:55.000 That's why Yelp reviews of comedy clubs are some of the greatest things in the world.

00:29:58.000 Because they point out stuff that you'll be like, they're doing it as a Yelp review of a business.

00:30:02.000 But they're like, literally, one of the employees said, I hope I die in a fire when I'm going home.

00:30:09.000 It's like, imagine if a waiter said that to you.

00:30:11.000 Right.

00:30:12.000 And then they're like, oh, you're talking about David Taylor.

00:30:14.000 It's like, he's running you out of there.

00:30:16.000 And now he's trying to hurt you so you think about it on the way home.

00:30:22.000 We don't want your business. 0.99

00:30:24.000 If you're running out of there too, you are probably a dick enough to be like, we don't want you back. 0.99

00:30:28.000 That's the most important part. 1.00

00:30:30.000 Well, you can run into dicks, man. 0.99

00:30:32.000 And a lot of times it's just people that don't know how to behave. 1.00

00:30:35.000 Like Chappelle was at the store the other night and some guy kept yelling shit out at him and the crowd started yelling at the guy to shut the fuck up. 0.99

00:30:42.000 Yeah, that's the best. 1.00

00:30:43.000 He was just so obnoxious.

00:30:46.000 But he just couldn't believe he was talking to Dave Chappelle. 0.99

00:30:49.000 You know, he's just drunk, and he fucked up, and the people around him were responding, and it started getting shitty. 0.99

00:30:55.000 Yeah. 0.96

00:30:55.000 You know, but the store never had anybody that, like, you can't do that at the improv. 0.96

00:31:00.000 They will grab you, and they'll pull you out of there.

00:31:02.000 Yeah.

00:31:02.000 Like, they, like, patrol the room.

00:31:03.000 Because the drawer guys are all comedians. 0.99

00:31:04.000 We're outside fucking smoking pot. 0.99

00:31:06.000 No one's paying attention. 1.00

00:31:06.000 We're drinking. 1.00

00:31:08.000 And they're like, where were you?

00:31:08.000 I'm like, I don't know, talking to this chick.

00:31:10.000 No one's paying attention.

00:31:12.000 Yeah, you have to get a door guy.

00:31:14.000 But you know what?

00:31:14.000 I would say that it's way less necessary today than it's ever been before.

00:31:20.000 But the crowds have been amazing at the store lately.

00:31:23.000 They also sort of, okay, here's the thing, and this is why Canadian crowds are better too.

00:31:26.000 Because if you go into it, and your listeners are good, with an understanding of, here's the etiquette of what it's like to be in a comedy show.

00:31:32.000 I sort of get it already.

00:31:34.000 Then they're just like a base level better crowds.

00:31:36.000 Like, oh, I know you're supposed to shut up and laugh.

00:31:38.000 And that's it.

00:31:39.000 Some people didn't get that message.

00:31:42.000 That's what's going on though, man.

00:31:44.000 That's part of what it is.

00:31:46.000 Some people, they just don't know that yet.

00:31:48.000 And they're like, what?

00:31:50.000 No one else is doing this.

00:31:54.000 I think it's hard for some people. 1.00

00:31:58.000 They grow up around morons. 1.00

00:32:00.000 You know, if you grow up, like, exclusively around morons, and you've been responding to morons your whole life, then all of a sudden you're drinking, Dave Chappelle's on stage, you're gonna act like a moron. 1.00

00:32:11.000 You don't even know why you're doing it. 1.00

00:32:13.000 Like, as it's coming out of your mouth, you're like, who is this asshole representing the great spirit that is inside me? 1.00

00:32:19.000 He used to have more problems, like, right after Chappelle's show, they would yell all those catchphrases at him. 0.99

00:32:23.000 Oh, he had a real problem once.

00:32:26.000 It was at the House of Blues, I think, or something like that, one of those places in Vegas.

00:32:30.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, on tour.

00:32:32.000 Yeah, remember?

00:32:32.000 Like, you were saying people kept yelling out, you know, all the different phrases, you know?

00:32:38.000 And you're just like, what?

00:32:40.000 I can't go anywhere with this.

00:32:41.000 Yeah.

00:32:42.000 What was the big one?

00:32:43.000 What was that big one? 1.00

00:32:44.000 I'm Rick James, bitch. 1.00

00:32:45.000 Yeah, I'm Rick James, bitch. 1.00

00:32:46.000 That was one they kept yelling at. 0.99

00:32:47.000 He had, when he came back from Africa or whatever, he had a show at the store.

00:32:51.000 The comedy store.

00:32:52.000 And it was mobbed.

00:32:53.000 And everybody was there.

00:32:54.000 Soundgarden came.

00:32:55.000 And Bruce Willis came.

00:32:56.000 Whoa.

00:32:56.000 Yeah, it was mobbed.

00:32:57.000 And then, I mean, way oversold.

00:32:59.000 And the fire department showed up, and it was like trouble, but they just wanted to sit on the steps and watch.

00:33:04.000 And he was the biggest thing that was then.

00:33:06.000 But they were strict.

00:33:07.000 They told everybody, you say a word and you're gone.

00:33:09.000 And there was a line out the door of people not being able to get in.

00:33:11.000 And when Madrigal was on, I think, he had two guys open for Madrigal, some black guy, I forget who, and then he went on.

00:33:18.000 Somebody heckled a little bit from the front row, and they just yanked him right out, and then somebody came right in. 1.00

00:33:22.000 Got a front row seat, because those guys fucked up. 1.00

00:33:25.000 Wow. 1.00

00:33:26.000 Yeah, man.

00:33:26.000 I think people are learning.

00:33:28.000 No tolerance.

00:33:30.000 I get it if you don't like the person who's on stage.

00:33:33.000 Go outside.

00:33:34.000 Go get a cigarette and come back in.

00:33:35.000 Listen, I'll sit and watch the show and if someone is not doing well or if you're not into it.

00:33:41.000 If it's a one-on-one, that's when you say something. 1.00

00:33:42.000 If your waiter is being super rude to you or a plumber is being an asshole to you, you'll be like, hey, man, you're being a dick. 1.00

00:33:47.000 Get out. 1.00

00:33:47.000 But not if it's ruining everyone else's experience. 1.00

00:33:49.000 You don't like a movie.

00:33:50.000 Go outside and complain.

00:33:51.000 Well, it's just not necessary if other people are enjoying it for you to express your displeasure.

00:33:58.000 And that happens sometimes.

00:34:00.000 Imagine leaving Star Wars going, this is a kid's movie!

00:34:03.000 I don't like this!

00:34:04.000 It's for kids!

00:34:05.000 And all these kids go, why are you ruining this for me?

00:34:08.000 But again, we know that because we're in the business.

00:34:10.000 I think for a lot of people, they don't understand.

00:34:14.000 And then there's also people that will tell you, hey, you should be able to handle anything.

00:34:18.000 You're up there on stage.

00:34:19.000 You should be able to handle anything they throw at you.

00:34:21.000 One of the ways I have to handle this is to make you leave by an off-duty cop who's working the door.

00:34:28.000 That's a weird thing when people tell you what you're supposed to be able to do as a comedian.

00:34:34.000 You're supposed to be able to handle it.

00:34:36.000 Imagine going to a restaurant, throwing a plate onto the floor, and so, well, you know, you guys deal with spills all the time, don't you?

00:34:42.000 You should be able to handle it.

00:34:45.000 Somebody literally said when the subject of stealing jokes came up, look, you should be able to write more jokes.

00:34:52.000 I remember someone saying that.

00:34:54.000 Like, you should be able to write more jokes. 0.99

00:34:56.000 Oh, it's fucking so simple. 0.99

00:34:57.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:34:58.000 And apply that logic to other things.

00:35:00.000 Like, oh, you have a job with a boss who's, like, abusing you?

00:35:03.000 Well, you should be able to get a better job.

00:35:04.000 Yeah, why don't you have a better job?

00:35:07.000 You should have a better job.

00:35:09.000 What? 1.00

00:35:11.000 My boss rapes me. 1.00

00:35:12.000 Asshole commentary. 1.00

00:35:14.000 Different days.

00:35:15.000 Asshole commentary. 0.84

00:35:17.000 That's all it is. 0.98

00:35:18.000 I like to just walk away from those people.

00:35:20.000 You can do it online better.

00:35:22.000 I might try to educate you.

00:35:24.000 Get out of here.

00:35:25.000 That's so funny, man.

00:35:27.000 It's so true. 0.84

00:35:29.000 Yeah.

00:35:29.000 God.

00:35:31.000 We should be able to handle anything.

00:35:33.000 You told me early on when you started like really like, you would be vicious with those hecklers.

00:35:38.000 I'm like, don't you feel bad? 1.00

00:35:40.000 And you were like, they've already shown their assholes. 1.00

00:35:41.000 So no, no mercy, no reason to show mercy. 1.00

00:35:44.000 They're trying to be mean to you.

00:35:45.000 Yeah.

00:35:45.000 What they're doing is trying to be mean.

00:35:47.000 Like they're yelling shit out, trying to interrupt. 0.99

00:35:49.000 And a lot of them, the reason why they're doing it is because they just want attention. 0.99

00:35:54.000 You know, it's not even what you're saying. 0.90

00:35:56.000 They just, for whatever reason, they wanted to do an open mic night, they never did it, they got drunk, and here they are, and they feel like, I'm gonna fucking get this Ari Shafir. 0.51

00:36:05.000 I don't, this guy, he can't handle what I'm coming with him. 0.99

00:36:09.000 Look at those fucking ears! 1.00

00:36:10.000 Can you fly around the room with those things? 1.00

00:36:13.000 Woo! 0.99

00:36:14.000 Dude, I had these two gay guys at the stand, and they were mad at me because it was one of those things where drunks will mishear one word, you know, and they'll just be like, I don't like that. 1.00

00:36:23.000 No, no, I was saying I don't like people who hate black people. 0.98

00:36:27.000 And like, what's black people now? 1.00

00:36:29.000 And you're like, no, shut up. 1.00

00:36:30.000 It's one of those.

00:36:31.000 And they were just being angry and giving me the mean stare all the time, and the stand is so small that you can see everybody.

00:36:35.000 It's pretty good.

00:36:37.000 And then I was like, but you guys don't like this.

00:36:39.000 I said something like, first smile I got out of you.

00:36:41.000 And they're like, well, whatever.

00:36:42.000 And then I just started calling Mr. and Mrs. Poopypants. 0.85

00:36:44.000 And just belittling them.

00:36:46.000 It's just so fun.

00:36:47.000 I'm watching them get angrier and angrier.

00:36:49.000 We just talk over people.

00:36:50.000 They're just angry.

00:36:52.000 Well, what were they doing?

00:36:53.000 What got you so mad?

00:36:54.000 Just giving me mean mugs.

00:36:56.000 You've seen that.

00:36:57.000 I'm just going to try to show you how mad I am.

00:37:01.000 Yeah, things like that.

00:37:02.000 Things like that.

00:37:03.000 I had a woman in Calgary. 0.98

00:37:04.000 She was bitching about everybody. 1.00

00:37:06.000 The whole opener.

00:37:07.000 I was like, hey, you gotta be quiet.

00:37:09.000 And then she did that thing with like, next joke. 1.00

00:37:11.000 And I'm like, beat it.

00:37:12.000 You're out.

00:37:13.000 Get out. 1.00

00:37:13.000 Get the fuck out. 1.00

00:37:14.000 Yeah, what is that? 0.99

00:37:15.000 Yeah, you don't need to be above this show.

00:37:17.000 I just railed on her for like 10 minutes.

00:37:19.000 And then I had to stop like, by the way, crowd, this is not coming out of your time.

00:37:22.000 So the clock stops.

00:37:24.000 Next joke.

00:37:25.000 Oh my god.

00:37:26.000 Yeah, it's like, you don't even want to be here. 0.99

00:37:28.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.98

00:37:29.000 It's just so weird. 0.99

00:37:30.000 Because you can go to, like, the most amazing movie, but if you're sitting next to someone who's going, pfft, yeah.

00:37:36.000 Yeah, that could happen. 0.99

00:37:41.000 Oh, he fucking lived! 0.99

00:37:43.000 Who saw that coming, Stallone? 0.99

00:37:46.000 He found a way to get that rock pick into the side of the mountain just as he's hanging off of it.

00:37:52.000 Not likely.

00:37:54.000 Pulls himself up.

00:37:58.000 Be quiet!

00:37:59.000 Grabs a log and drags himself over the top of the cliff. 1.00

00:38:03.000 Shut up! 1.00

00:38:03.000 You're ruining this! 1.00

00:38:04.000 That could happen.

00:38:05.000 Right.

00:38:10.000 Dude, I had this guy in Scotland threaten to sue me.

00:38:12.000 Oh, that's wonderful. 0.99

00:38:13.000 Yeah, because I told his wife she was ugly. 1.00

00:38:16.000 Did you hear what happened in Canada with that? 0.94

00:38:18.000 With Mike Ward.

00:38:19.000 Do you know the guy?

00:38:20.000 He's getting sued by tribunal.

00:38:21.000 Yeah, I like him a lot.

00:38:22.000 He's great.

00:38:23.000 Which one are you talking about?

00:38:24.000 The one where the guy cursed out the lesbians and said a bunch of anti-gay things to them? 0.88

00:38:31.000 No. 0.99

00:38:32.000 Called them dykes, something along those lines. 1.00

00:38:34.000 And there was a nasty exchange between this guy and this girl.

00:38:38.000 And...

00:38:40.000 The woman sued, and apparently, I believe, won.

00:38:45.000 And I don't know the specifics of it.

00:38:48.000 Oh, for like mental damages?

00:38:49.000 Well, I think she sued for like... 0.73

00:38:51.000 Jamie, see if you can pull that up.

00:38:52.000 I don't want to talk...

00:38:55.000 I don't know exactly what the charges were, but everybody was like, whoa.

00:38:59.000 And she won?

00:39:00.000 Yeah, she got an award of like $10,000 or something like that.

00:39:03.000 Well, then it becomes a thing where it's like, you either have to make everyone sign a release before coming to a comedy club, or just saying you're going to kill the art form.

00:39:10.000 As Jamie pulls it up...

00:39:11.000 Because you can't take any sort of risk.

00:39:12.000 I don't want to misquote anything, so I want to make sure I say this incorrectly.

00:39:16.000 But it was a story.

00:39:18.000 I don't know what the judgment was.

00:39:21.000 Well, I'll tell you what happened to Mike.

00:39:21.000 To Mike Ward.

00:39:22.000 Okay.

00:39:22.000 He's a French-Canadian comic.

00:39:24.000 And so he was doing...

00:39:25.000 There was this kid who was like, make-a-wish kid, whatever.

00:39:28.000 And they were like, he's going out.

00:39:29.000 And it was a big, like, on TV. It was like a cult campaign about this kid.

00:39:34.000 And then Mike had a bit about...

00:39:36.000 Ten years later, this kid's still alive.

00:39:38.000 And he's like, I want my money back.

00:39:39.000 Right.

00:39:41.000 And he started going off. 0.97

00:39:43.000 He was like, he's supposed to die. 1.00

00:39:44.000 He's fucking 23 now. 1.00

00:39:46.000 Oh, no. 1.00

00:39:47.000 That's so fucked up. 1.00

00:39:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:39:50.000 And the kid said he got made fun of because of it.

00:39:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:39:54.000 And it wasn't cool.

00:39:55.000 Jesus Christ.

00:39:56.000 And he was like, well, sorry, man.

00:39:57.000 You were like a celebrity.

00:39:58.000 And I'm going to make fun of that stuff.

00:40:00.000 And he got taken to a tribunal.

00:40:02.000 He's going right now to a French-Canadian tribunal.

00:40:04.000 Oh, no.

00:40:06.000 Oh, my God.

00:40:07.000 What are they suing him for?

00:40:09.000 What are they charging him with?

00:40:10.000 Or what are they doing?

00:40:12.000 I don't know if these are charges, but it's either 80 grand or more.

00:40:16.000 But the problem is, then it just makes anything off limits.

00:40:20.000 It makes any sort of subject where you have no idea.

00:40:23.000 Well, here's the thing.

00:40:24.000 How do you attach a monetary number to that?

00:40:27.000 Slurs force comic to pay 15,000. 1.00

00:40:30.000 Wow.

00:40:30.000 More than I thought.

00:40:32.000 Pirate of ugly words against lesbian patron after appeal falls flat. 0.99

00:40:37.000 Wow. 0.98

00:40:37.000 So no appeal. 0.98

00:40:39.000 I guess his appeal fell flat.

00:40:41.000 They didn't win the appeal.

00:40:42.000 Yeah.

00:40:43.000 So I think he lost.

00:40:44.000 Human Rights Tribunal.

00:40:45.000 That's what Mike is being brought up in, too.

00:40:47.000 A Human Rights Tribunal.

00:40:48.000 What is going on, Canada? 1.00

00:40:50.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:40:51.000 Lasting physical and psychological effect? 1.00

00:40:54.000 What's the physical effect?

00:40:56.000 Well, see, I would say, here's one thing.

00:40:59.000 If this woman came to a show, okay? 1.00

00:41:02.000 Let's be honest about this.

00:41:04.000 And he just started berating her.

00:41:07.000 I'm on her side.

00:41:08.000 I'm on her side. 1.00

00:41:09.000 If she's sitting there with her girlfriend, and she didn't do anything, and he starts saying a bunch of lesbian shit to her and being mean to her... 1.00

00:41:16.000 And just being an asshole. 1.00

00:41:17.000 Just being an asshole. 1.00

00:41:18.000 And you know guys have done that, right? 1.00

00:41:20.000 We all know comics have done that.

00:41:22.000 We've all seen bad comics do things like that or take attempts, you know, try to be funny and it's just offensive.

00:41:30.000 And if you paid money to see something like that, No matter what it is, whether it's a black joke, whether it's a joke about Asian people, and you feel abused, and you're just sitting there.

00:41:41.000 What if it's just a joke about their height?

00:41:42.000 Where's a line after that, in that way of thinking?

00:41:45.000 It's really a matter of what is being said.

00:41:47.000 It's not just a blank subject, right?

00:41:50.000 We can't say, what if it's a joke about being black? 0.62

00:41:53.000 Because it could be a joke, you know. 0.83

00:41:55.000 Here's the problem.

00:41:56.000 You can't really make it up to anyone.

00:41:58.000 It's got to be like, you're allowed to say everything, or you're not allowed to say everything.

00:42:02.000 How do you do a monetary number?

00:42:04.000 That's weird.

00:42:04.000 Well, it could be like, these are my doctor's bills, my psychologist bills.

00:42:10.000 This is how much work I've missed.

00:42:11.000 You could do it that way.

00:42:12.000 I think in this case, though...

00:42:14.000 Fifteen grand is not a huge amount of money.

00:42:16.000 It's a lot, but it's not like those McDonald's settlements.

00:42:18.000 Right.

00:42:19.000 Well, for a comic, though, who's interested in a guy working, that's a big hit.

00:42:23.000 Plus, I'm sure he has legal fees, right?

00:42:25.000 Yeah.

00:42:25.000 But what I was going to get at is, did the girl heckle first?

00:42:29.000 Yeah, see, that's what I don't know.

00:42:31.000 See, if she did... 1.00

00:42:33.000 Then fuck her. 1.00

00:42:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:42:34.000 Like, yeah, you probably shouldn't say mean shit about her. 1.00

00:42:38.000 I've seen stories about a guy, a comic, going off on somebody. 0.98

00:42:41.000 So in the court of public opinion, like, they get eviscerated because they went off too hard on somebody.

00:42:46.000 But then people at the show were like, no, no, this lady was heckling everyone in the show. 1.00

00:42:50.000 Let's see what it says here.

00:42:52.000 In May of 2007, I don't need to read her name, and a girlfriend were at a club in Vancouver, a restaurant, Vancouver restaurant with a largely gay clientele, when an open mic night hosted by Mr. Earl kicked off.

00:43:05.000 The two women decided to stay, according to the later findings of the Human Rights Tribunal.

00:43:10.000 During the show, Mrs. Purdy's girlfriend had, Ms. Purdy's girlfriend had merely I pecked her on the cheek when Mr. Earl told the crowd, don't mind that inconsiderate dyke table over there. 1.00

00:43:23.000 You know lesbians are always ruining it for everybody. 1.00

00:43:25.000 Stop right there. 1.00

00:43:26.000 Stop right there.

00:43:27.000 Go back up.

00:43:27.000 Let me read that.

00:43:28.000 I've seen that before.

00:43:30.000 All I did was this one, they're probably fully making out and disrupting everyone.

00:43:36.000 Why else would you say don't mind that inconsiderate dyke table? 1.00

00:43:39.000 Yeah.

00:43:40.000 And ruining it for everyone.

00:43:41.000 I would imagine there was probably some chatter.

00:43:44.000 Yeah, probably.

00:43:45.000 That happens.

00:43:45.000 And then he went off too hard.

00:43:46.000 But we've all seen that where they don't want to admit that they did that.

00:43:49.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:43:50.000 They don't want to admit.

00:43:51.000 It's always like, I didn't do anything.

00:43:53.000 All I do is move my chair.

00:43:54.000 And it's like, no, why would anyone throw you out when you're a customer for doing nothing?

00:43:59.000 I was just laughing. 0.99

00:44:00.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:44:01.000 There's a lot of different kinds of lesbians. 1.00

00:44:04.000 Yeah.

00:44:04.000 Right?

00:44:04.000 There's like...

00:44:06.000 Educated lesbians that are into the arts, right? 1.00

00:44:09.000 And then there's like the bull dykey lesbians that are like thicker, bigger boned, right? 1.00

00:44:17.000 And then there's the lipstick lesbians. 1.00

00:44:21.000 We don't know what we're dealing with here. 0.97

00:44:22.000 So then they all booed him.

00:44:23.000 This line prompted Boos from his party's table.

00:44:25.000 And then that escalated the string of slurs.

00:44:27.000 And it's like, all right, you don't like it.

00:44:29.000 You're seeing an artist. 1.00

00:44:29.000 Get the fuck out. 1.00

00:44:30.000 I don't like this. 0.99

00:44:32.000 So leave then.

00:44:33.000 It's okay.

00:44:33.000 You can just leave.

00:44:35.000 Really, it's hard to know what happened.

00:44:36.000 If you want your money back, fine, get your money back.

00:44:38.000 Or was it this? 0.99

00:44:40.000 Were they just two really pretty, interesting women, and one of them did kiss her friend on the cheek lightly, and the comic was eating dick on stage, and he started blaming these girls for the fact that he's eating dick on stage. 0.99

00:44:52.000 You ever seen that happen before? 0.99

00:44:53.000 Yes, absolutely.

00:44:54.000 So here's the deal.

00:44:54.000 We should be fair here, right?

00:44:56.000 Yeah, so let's say it was that way.

00:44:58.000 So in that scenario, they should get their money back and leave. 0.97

00:45:02.000 You still can't stop a guy, an artist, from fucking trying something. 0.93

00:45:07.000 You're never gonna know what the line is unless you cross it. 0.96

00:45:09.000 And then you pull it back a little bit.

00:45:11.000 So if you don't let a guy even try to get to the line, then you're hurting art in general.

00:45:15.000 This is what he said that's really rude. 0.99

00:45:17.000 You're not even lesbians, no guy will fuck you, that's why you're with each other. 1.00

00:45:22.000 How rude. 1.00

00:45:25.000 I'm still on the dude's side here.

00:45:26.000 I'm sorry.

00:45:28.000 I see myself saying that.

00:45:30.000 Yeah.

00:45:30.000 In my darkest moments, for sure.

00:45:32.000 Really, we don't know.

00:45:34.000 Here's another problem.

00:45:35.000 That's the problem.

00:45:35.000 When Kramer did that stuff, it was like, oh yeah, I get it.

00:45:38.000 I get the point of like, I just want to hurt you now.

00:45:40.000 Right.

00:45:41.000 And that's not even what he was trying to do.

00:45:42.000 Here's the thing, looking at it on print here like this, it's so much different.

00:45:47.000 So much different.

00:45:48.000 Looking at it on print is so much different.

00:45:51.000 First of all, we don't know if that's exactly what he said.

00:45:55.000 Is this taking from a recording, or is this from people's memory?

00:45:58.000 How exactly do we know exactly what he said?

00:46:01.000 Is it what she says he said?

00:46:03.000 They call that discrimination, but really discrimination is if they wouldn't let them in.

00:46:06.000 Was it recording Young Jamie?

00:46:09.000 This says in the court case they used witness testimony from junk patrons that were there.

00:46:14.000 See, you can't do that.

00:46:16.000 Because I don't remember guys joke sometimes. 0.99

00:46:19.000 I'm a fucking professional comedian. 0.98

00:46:21.000 I doubt they remember exactly what he said. 1.00

00:46:24.000 Especially if they're hammered.

00:46:26.000 Come on.

00:46:27.000 Everyone's booing him. 1.00

00:46:28.000 He was an asshole. 1.00

00:46:29.000 It's like, oh, he was just going down. 1.00

00:46:31.000 Here's the thing.

00:46:32.000 He's an open-miker.

00:46:33.000 If comics are bad, they will eventually stop being hired.

00:46:37.000 They'll stop or they'll get better.

00:46:38.000 Yeah, or they'll get better.

00:46:39.000 But if you're heckling, you're not supposed to do that.

00:46:45.000 And when you do do that, you open the door to chaos.

00:46:48.000 Also, I've had stuff where it's like, I'm going to take you down one road, and then I'll take you clear in the end.

00:46:53.000 Don't worry.

00:46:53.000 If you just be quiet and listen the whole time, you'll see where I'm going with this, and you'll be fine.

00:46:57.000 But if you stop me in the middle, it's going to make it seem really bad, what I've said.

00:47:01.000 Exactly.

00:47:02.000 Exactly.

00:47:03.000 If you get interrupted, you're just going to look bad.

00:47:05.000 And it's a long setup.

00:47:07.000 You can't make someone pay money off doing their art badly.

00:47:10.000 Exactly.

00:47:11.000 Well, first of all...

00:47:11.000 And I'm not even saying it was bad.

00:47:13.000 He might have fucking gotten other people laughing at him. 0.95

00:47:14.000 Yeah, I don't know what happened. 0.98

00:47:17.000 It's so hard, but I think the monetary aspect of it, a monetary judgment, like, come on, $15,000?

00:47:24.000 Like, what really happened there?

00:47:26.000 Until you can define what really happened...

00:47:29.000 Yeah.

00:47:30.000 It sounds so crazy that they just come up with a number.

00:47:34.000 15,000!

00:47:35.000 Pay the money! 0.98

00:47:36.000 Give money to people!

00:47:37.000 You have to give money to people if they get mad at you? 1.00

00:47:40.000 Yeah, can you say shit to people on the street? 1.00

00:47:42.000 Can you, like, call someone a dick on the street? 1.00

00:47:45.000 Or can you get sued for that? 0.99

00:47:46.000 What is it about, like, gay slurs?

00:47:50.000 Is that what it was?

00:47:51.000 That it was a gay thing? 0.99

00:47:53.000 Because, like, what if he just...

00:47:56.000 Concentrate on other aspects of her.

00:47:57.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:47:58.000 What if it was like, you can't get a better girlfriend because you're too empty inside.

00:48:02.000 Like, really want to hurt her in a different way.

00:48:04.000 It had nothing to do with it.

00:48:04.000 Yeah, people wouldn't be as mad.

00:48:05.000 That's kind of bullshit. 0.99

00:48:07.000 It's not about the hurting. 1.00

00:48:08.000 It's about how he's hurting. 1.00

00:48:09.000 Yeah, he's hurting her by saying that she can't get men to fuck her. 1.00

00:48:13.000 That's why she's a lesbian. 1.00

00:48:14.000 She's not even a real lesbian. 0.96

00:48:15.000 He's trying to hurt her there.

00:48:16.000 It's a funny thing to say.

00:48:19.000 It's a funny thing to say.

00:48:20.000 That's what a comic would say.

00:48:21.000 But he has to try.

00:48:22.000 Yeah.

00:48:23.000 Is he going to have a dissertation on... 1.00

00:48:26.000 Fucking lesbian rights? 1.00

00:48:28.000 He's also ad-libbing. 1.00

00:48:29.000 And again, we're not taking this guy's side because we don't know what happened.

00:48:32.000 I don't know.

00:48:33.000 I mean, who knows? 1.00

00:48:35.000 He might have been a dick. 0.99

00:48:36.000 And then is it up to the rest of the audience to decide how dickish he was? 0.99

00:48:39.000 Or is it just like, no, I felt hurt, so I get the money.

00:48:43.000 It's just like, it's an art form.

00:48:44.000 You can't stop anyone from doing or saying anything.

00:48:47.000 That's why you're allowed to smoke on stage here.

00:48:49.000 Because you're like, well, it's part of the art.

00:48:51.000 If you're on stage, it's like a performance.

00:48:53.000 Yeah, I should have smoked four cigarettes the other night in a 20-minute set.

00:48:55.000 And once I saw him light up another one, I was like, all right, I'm out.

00:48:58.000 I just kept smoking him.

00:48:59.000 It was hilarious.

00:49:01.000 What does it say here?

00:49:01.000 In addition to Mr. Earl's $15,000 penalty, the restaurant was also ordered to pay $7,000.

00:49:08.000 Oh! 0.60

00:49:08.000 Since he had a bar trap, he was illegally an employee. 0.60

00:49:11.000 Oh my god!

00:49:14.000 So, because the comedian had a small bar tab to host the event, the comedian was legally an employee.

00:49:21.000 Oh, man, that's sad.

00:49:23.000 It's an Earl's lawyer walking down the tribunal process.

00:49:25.000 Yeah, it's a tribunal.

00:49:26.000 What is this?

00:49:27.000 What rights do they have?

00:49:29.000 Nordic.

00:49:29.000 They have gods.

00:49:30.000 It's Greek, and fucking Thor comes down, slams the hammer at the end of the decision. 1.00

00:49:36.000 So stupid looking. 1.00

00:49:38.000 So the guy, the comedian, the host of the show, was trying to say that the lady... 1.00

00:49:44.000 We're good to go.

00:49:50.000 We're good to go.

00:49:58.000 Hell yeah.

00:49:59.000 Listen to this though, too.

00:50:01.000 Played a vital and highly dramatic role in utterly disrupting a performance by unpaid volunteers.

00:50:08.000 Open mic. 0.94

00:50:08.000 They're just trying to fucking go on and you guys are... 0.94

00:50:10.000 For that sentence, when he finished that sentence and he hit that period, the judge should have said, it's over. 0.98

00:50:15.000 You win.

00:50:16.000 You win.

00:50:17.000 Get out of here.

00:50:17.000 This is over.

00:50:18.000 Oh, she was messing you guys up? 0.82

00:50:20.000 Well, I'm on his side just by the way he spells things.

00:50:23.000 Spells things out.

00:50:24.000 Like, his sentence is perfect.

00:50:27.000 So, in the judge's words, the comic was not giving a comedy performance when he launched into his tirade of ugly words directly from his party.

00:50:34.000 But you can see that there are jokes there.

00:50:37.000 Yeah, that's not true because that was funny.

00:50:39.000 But even if he doesn't land them, it's like if you can see, if you can get an expert to say, oh yeah, here's where he was trying to get a joke, here's where he's trying to get a laugh. 0.59

00:50:46.000 Well, let's scroll back up to the thing that he said to her because it's fucking clearly a joke.

00:50:50.000 And if it's the way... 0.92

00:50:52.000 That's for the water throwing. 0.84

00:50:52.000 And by the way, this is people recanting it. 0.84

00:50:55.000 Wait, go down, go down, go down.

00:50:55.000 No, it's right there.

00:50:55.000 It's right there.

00:50:56.000 Oh, wait, hold on.

00:50:56.000 Water throwing.

00:50:57.000 Huh?

00:50:58.000 She threw water at him twice.

00:51:00.000 Oh, wait a minute.

00:51:02.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:51:03.000 She threw water at him?

00:51:05.000 Yeah.

00:51:05.000 Aww.

00:51:07.000 Well, that's just silly. 0.99

00:51:09.000 Come on, crazy lady. 1.00

00:51:11.000 Like, what are we doing? 0.98

00:51:11.000 That wasn't enough? 0.98

00:51:12.000 We're barely hitting each other?

00:51:14.000 We're gonna slap?

00:51:15.000 We're gonna have a slap fest?

00:51:16.000 She threw two glasses of water.

00:51:17.000 Threw two glasses of water.

00:51:19.000 And he broke her sunglasses in turn.

00:51:20.000 Oh, God.

00:51:22.000 Jesus Christ.

00:51:24.000 What are they doing?

00:51:25.000 They're like chimps smacking trees.

00:51:27.000 I could see that. 0.99

00:51:27.000 If somebody threw a glass of water at me and then threw another one and it was a girl so I couldn't hit her, I'd be like, well, you can't just fucking... 0.99

00:51:32.000 I could see my just... 0.99

00:51:33.000 Wow.

00:51:34.000 I could see that. 1.00

00:51:35.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:51:36.000 I don't know if I would or not. 1.00

00:51:37.000 As Mr. Earl told it, however...

00:51:39.000 You're not even lesbians. 1.00

00:51:39.000 No guy will fuck you. 1.00

00:51:40.000 That's why you're with each other. 1.00

00:51:42.000 That's the joke.

00:51:43.000 Yeah.

00:51:44.000 Well, it's clearly a joke.

00:51:45.000 Well, listen to his point of view, though.

00:51:46.000 He says, the couple was passionately kissing in the front and repeatedly interrupting the set with obscenities. 0.99

00:51:55.000 When Mr. Earl tried to shut up the table with the quip, you're not even lesbians, no guy will fuck you, that's why you're with each other, just thus kissing off the ugly escalation. 1.00

00:52:05.000 Dude, that's the exact situation, that's happened a billion times that you've seen. 1.00

00:52:09.000 Yes.

00:52:09.000 People are being way too loud and disruptive.

00:52:11.000 And they don't believe they are.

00:52:12.000 They have no idea.

00:52:13.000 Well, it's people we were talking about before.

00:52:15.000 So this tribunal said, okay, if that happens and you're too harsh, you're going to have to pay money that you can't afford.

00:52:22.000 That's an open micer who's paying 15 grand. 0.68

00:52:24.000 Canada has legislated politeness.

00:52:26.000 That's how serious they take their politeness up there.

00:52:30.000 They've made laws where you have to be polite.

00:52:34.000 Well, in this situation, clubs are going to start recording filming sets.

00:52:38.000 That's the only way they're going to be.

00:52:40.000 I mean, this owner would have to protect himself.

00:52:42.000 Then that takes away this sort of...

00:52:44.000 Stand-up comedy is counterculture.

00:52:46.000 It is counterculture.

00:52:47.000 And part of it exists because, like, hey, nobody's recording this.

00:52:49.000 This is all just existing right now in a basement of some hole.

00:52:52.000 I agree, and I think that's a beautiful aspect of it.

00:52:54.000 If you record everything, then you take away like, ugh, hold on.

00:52:56.000 Right.

00:52:57.000 I agree with you.

00:52:58.000 I think it's a beautiful aspect of it. 1.00

00:53:00.000 But this poor fucking guy, I mean, if this is the landscape he's operating in, the owner of the goddamn club is getting fucked over by an open-miker. 1.00

00:53:09.000 So, hey, he has no incentive now. 1.00

00:53:11.000 This isn't just the $7,000.

00:53:13.000 Yeah, right.

00:53:13.000 Why would any club, why would any place have an open-miker at their place?

00:53:16.000 Open mic nights are filled with crazy people.

00:53:20.000 And people who will become great comedians.

00:53:22.000 Yes.

00:53:23.000 But the ratio is very high to crazy.

00:53:26.000 But even the ones that are going to become great are terrible when they're at the open mic.

00:53:30.000 Yes.

00:53:30.000 And they can make terrible decisions.

00:53:32.000 And they might be one day, 20 years later, your all-time favorite comedian. 0.99

00:53:37.000 But right now, they're clonking their way through everything and spilling their fucking drink and looking... 0.97

00:53:42.000 Nobody does it right in the beginning. 0.99

00:53:46.000 It's an ad-lib thing.

00:53:47.000 And when you're ad-libbing like that, like where there's people in the audience that are disrupting the show...

00:53:53.000 If it's true from his perspective, what he's saying, well, they're interrupting with his job.

00:54:00.000 And his job is to talk and to be funny.

00:54:02.000 So, now you've engaged in some sort of a verbal warfare with a comedian who has a microphone.

00:54:07.000 How could they make him pay for that?

00:54:08.000 Because they couldn't see where the comedy would be.

00:54:10.000 Well, the fact that she threw drinks at him, that should sort of void out the whole thing.

00:54:14.000 Like...

00:54:14.000 I guess...

00:54:15.000 I'm saying she was already so disrupted that she had to... 0.70

00:54:19.000 Yeah.

00:54:20.000 Mmm.

00:54:21.000 I don't know, man.

00:54:22.000 I don't like talking about these things if I wasn't there.

00:54:24.000 But you can see how this could play out exactly like a show you've been.

00:54:28.000 You could be on that side of that.

00:54:30.000 So easy.

00:54:30.000 100%.

00:54:31.000 So now what you're saying is, hey, open mic places.

00:54:34.000 Don't start.

00:54:34.000 That's the worst part about it.

00:54:36.000 It's going to discourage the clubs from taking a chance and putting on these amateurs who, they don't know these people.

00:54:43.000 An open mic night, folks.

00:54:44.000 Let me just put it in perspective.

00:54:46.000 We had a guy who dropped an N-bomb Maybe 75 times at this place on Sunset.

00:54:53.000 At this recovery place.

00:54:55.000 A recovery place?

00:54:56.000 Yeah.

00:54:56.000 What's a recovery place?

00:54:57.000 It was just where AA people hung out.

00:54:59.000 Oh, and he did like a set thing?

00:55:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:02.000 It was an open mic?

00:55:03.000 It was an open mic.

00:55:03.000 And it was so uncomfortable.

00:55:05.000 Whoa.

00:55:06.000 But then, whatever.

00:55:07.000 He felt it too.

00:55:08.000 He probably won't do that again.

00:55:09.000 Or he will.

00:55:10.000 Or he will, whatever.

00:55:11.000 He'll cut it down.

00:55:12.000 About 10 N words.

00:55:14.000 Or that's his point.

00:55:15.000 He's trying to shock everyone.

00:55:17.000 Yeah.

00:55:17.000 So that's fine.

00:55:18.000 He did it. 0.89

00:55:18.000 Or he just maybe doesn't know how goofy he sounds. 0.89

00:55:21.000 Some people don't know how goofy they sound. 0.61

00:55:24.000 Yeah.

00:55:25.000 You've got to get a response from people. 0.78

00:55:26.000 Like, if you're around entirely goofy people.

00:55:29.000 What if you're going to shock?

00:55:29.000 What if that's what you're going for, is to offend?

00:55:32.000 That's what you're looking for.

00:55:33.000 That's the emotion you're trying to get out of an audience.

00:55:35.000 And it's like, we're going to legislate and say, that's not one you can get out of them.

00:55:39.000 Or what if it's like you think that that's gonna be funny, but it's not?

00:55:44.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:55:44.000 Like, you just suck it. 1.00

00:55:45.000 It's not working. 1.00

00:55:47.000 Like, you suck at this kind of... 0.98

00:55:48.000 Like, Diaz angry is one of the funniest things ever. 1.00

00:55:52.000 When his fucking face gets red and he starts getting mad, he starts screaming about how, when he was a kid, he's bottled water. 0.98

00:55:58.000 He goes, I used to drink puddle water. 1.00

00:55:59.000 And when everybody does that, he's fucking beat red in the face. 1.00

00:56:03.000 Like, that real anger, that shit's hilarious. 1.00

00:56:07.000 Because he's got jokes and it's real anger. 0.99

00:56:10.000 But when you have a manufactured anger, and you're trying to be edgy...

00:56:14.000 Yeah, fake rants.

00:56:15.000 Yeah.

00:56:15.000 You can see through them.

00:56:16.000 To me, that's offensive.

00:56:17.000 It's offensive if you're not in the moment, for sure.

00:56:20.000 Like, when Joey's talking about bottled water, he's in the moment.

00:56:25.000 It's...

00:56:25.000 Drink bottled water?

00:56:29.000 We've all sort of figured this out in our own way.

00:56:31.000 But when you're on stage, and you're locked in, right?

00:56:36.000 The audience is laughing hard.

00:56:38.000 Everything's going great.

00:56:40.000 It feels like some kind of a mass hypnosis in a way.

00:56:44.000 Oh yeah, you're conducting it.

00:56:46.000 You can just point at them and they'll all laugh.

00:56:48.000 Yeah.

00:56:49.000 Well, it's that, but it's also like I feel like when I watch...

00:56:53.000 Oh, when you're in the audience.

00:56:55.000 Yeah, like when I watched Burr the other day at the store in the main room and then Chappelle the other day in the OR. They're locked in.

00:57:02.000 Dude, I loved it.

00:57:04.000 I loved it as an audience member.

00:57:06.000 And I was thinking like when they were doing their jokes and I'm laughing, I'm like going along with their thought process.

00:57:13.000 And as it's happening to me, I'm recognizing this thing that it's somehow or another, they're thinking for you.

00:57:20.000 Like they're thinking for you and you're just on a ride with their thoughts.

00:57:24.000 Who's thinking for you?

00:57:25.000 The comic on stage.

00:57:26.000 Yeah.

00:57:27.000 So when someone has some fake rant, and you're like, oh, stop.

00:57:32.000 Like, if someone came over your house and went, the problem with the government is programs on TV are programming you.

00:57:39.000 That's why they call them programs. 0.99

00:57:41.000 You know, if this guy was in your house, you'd be like, will you shut the fuck up? 0.99

00:57:44.000 Come on, man. 1.00

00:57:45.000 But if Diaz is in your house, and he starts talking to you about some shit, Oh, the government has a fucking program. 1.00

00:57:50.000 You have a free show. 1.00

00:57:52.000 You have a show with Diaz.

00:57:54.000 We have shows with him whenever we hang out.

00:57:57.000 He'll perform at the restaurant.

00:57:59.000 He'll perform on the ride over.

00:58:00.000 New Year's is fun.

00:58:01.000 He's always on.

00:58:03.000 He's alive, you know?

00:58:05.000 Yeah.

00:58:06.000 I just don't think it should be up to anyone to decide what that line is of right or wrong.

00:58:09.000 Nailed it or didn't nail it.

00:58:10.000 Yeah, you just can't.

00:58:12.000 My line is different than your line.

00:58:13.000 Even the too soon kind of thing.

00:58:15.000 I heard Jeff Ross do a joke about something.

00:58:18.000 It was South Carolina, but it was like a year later.

00:58:21.000 But I remember people trying to do jokes right then, and people were like, no.

00:58:24.000 And so then Jeff did it, and it hit, and still got an oh like a year later.

00:58:28.000 But it's like, oh, what I want as an audience member is the day of.

00:58:32.000 So we like different things.

00:58:34.000 I like spicier foods, so it's fine. 0.99

00:58:36.000 My favorite example of people saying something isn't funny that was fucking hilarious was Artie Lang. 0.83

00:58:42.000 Artie Lang got in trouble. 0.94

00:58:44.000 Oh, for that Twitter stuff? 0.99

00:58:45.000 Because he said, he goes, I was having sex with this really, I'm paraphrasing, I was having sex with this really hot black girl and I was on top of her and she goes, I can't breathe. 0.99

00:58:58.000 And I'm like, let's not make this political, honey. 0.99

00:59:00.000 Let's not bring politics into the bedroom.

00:59:01.000 Yeah, that's what it is.

00:59:03.000 Let's not bring politics into the bedroom.

00:59:05.000 But people got up and screamed at him, apparently, at the cellar in New York, and they stormed out.

00:59:12.000 I mean, this is like a year after the guy attempted suicide, too, by the way, right?

00:59:16.000 Oh, Artie?

00:59:17.000 Yeah, I mean, wasn't it like a year before that?

00:59:19.000 Like, it wasn't like a long time between them.

00:59:21.000 No, maybe a couple years, but not a lot.

00:59:23.000 Maybe two years, right?

00:59:24.000 So he's just getting back in the stand-up again.

00:59:25.000 But it was the heart of that I-can't-breathe time.

00:59:28.000 Exactly! 1.00

00:59:29.000 People were like, fuck you! 1.00

00:59:29.000 Eric Gardner. 1.00

00:59:30.000 You can't make jokes about that!

00:59:32.000 See, me, I felt...

00:59:34.000 I mean, the only way you would look at it and say you can't make jokes about that is if you feel like it's somehow racist.

00:59:43.000 Because if it was any other reason, you could totally make a joke about that.

00:59:47.000 Yeah.

00:59:48.000 You're not even listening to it right.

00:59:49.000 You're just going, I think this is wrong.

00:59:51.000 I'm going to interrupt and yell.

00:59:53.000 Yeah, if you listen to what he's saying in the joke, like, come on. 0.99

00:59:57.000 That'd be like interrupting fucking... 0.98

00:59:58.000 It's not even a joke. 1.00

01:00:01.000 A Jonathan Swift essay, because you're like, wait, are you saying we should kill kids? 0.93

01:00:05.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:00:06.000 You're saying we should...

01:00:06.000 He just said we should eat children!

01:00:08.000 Yes, exactly. 1.00

01:00:09.000 Let's get this guy the fuck off! 1.00

01:00:10.000 But the joke is not saying... 1.00

01:00:12.000 It's not making fun of the guy who died and the cops killing him.

01:00:17.000 The joke is making fun...

01:00:19.000 Of everyone talking about it.

01:00:20.000 Yes, that's it.

01:00:21.000 It's just... 1.00

01:00:22.000 The joke is him with a hot black girl and he's smothering her because he's fat. 1.00

01:00:27.000 She says, I can't breathe. 1.00

01:00:29.000 I mean, that's a fucking great joke. 0.99

01:00:31.000 It's a great joke and it's not mean. 0.99

01:00:33.000 Here's the joke.

01:00:35.000 The protests are affecting my life. 1.00

01:00:38.000 Last week I was having sex with a black girl. 1.00

01:00:40.000 She yelled out, I can't breathe. 1.00

01:00:43.000 So he put it on Twitter.

01:00:45.000 Right at the end of 2014. So, at the height of the Black Lives Matter. 0.93

01:00:50.000 Right, right, right.

01:00:51.000 Well, this was the height of the punchline.

01:00:53.000 I think the Black Lives Matter thing has never been bigger.

01:00:55.000 So, I don't think you can say it at the heart of it.

01:00:57.000 I think it's bigger now than ever before.

01:00:58.000 No, it was bigger then.

01:00:59.000 No, I don't think so at all.

01:01:00.000 I don't think so at all.

01:01:01.000 I think it's kind of eaten itself a little and people going, eh.

01:01:04.000 Well, like all activism groups, you're going to get some weird people.

01:01:08.000 Well, and there's also one of the guys who worked for him was white.

01:01:11.000 Oh, really?

01:01:11.000 See that?

01:01:12.000 They kind of proved this guy was white. 0.58

01:01:14.000 Who?

01:01:14.000 One of the guys in Black Lives Matter.

01:01:16.000 Was white?

01:01:17.000 Apparently.

01:01:18.000 He's a white guy.

01:01:20.000 Allegedly. 1.00

01:01:21.000 What the fuck do I know? 0.99

01:01:22.000 What does that mean? 0.99

01:01:23.000 I don't know.

01:01:23.000 But the point is, like, that one was particularly egregious.

01:01:26.000 That incident with that Eric Gardner guy.

01:01:29.000 I got disgusted by that one.

01:01:30.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

01:01:30.000 It was terrible.

01:01:31.000 Because all it was was cigarettes.

01:01:32.000 The guy was selling loose cigarettes.

01:01:34.000 He didn't do anything.

01:01:35.000 And the problem with that is, that comes from a place of, that guy had to sell loose cigarettes to make a living.

01:01:44.000 That's not like, he ain't robbing people. 0.99

01:01:47.000 He's selling loose cigarettes for a fucking dollar a piece. 0.99

01:01:50.000 For the people who can't afford a penny. 0.99

01:01:52.000 That's not a guy who wants to dream of that as a job and a career.

01:01:57.000 Yeah.

01:01:57.000 So it's like, alright, they're poor people, and you're saying, we have regulations where the government's gotta get paid so some guy's able to push you around.

01:02:04.000 And they're like, eh, he had asthma. 0.98

01:02:06.000 But it's like, why is he fucking being that violent? 0.98

01:02:08.000 Instead of telling a guy to beat it. 0.99

01:02:10.000 Cops are not supposed to be revenue collectors.

01:02:12.000 Yeah.

01:02:13.000 They're just not. 1.00

01:02:14.000 That's stupid. 1.00

01:02:14.000 It's stupid for the cop to be put in that position where you're making them arrest people because you have a quota. 1.00

01:02:21.000 We have to figure out a way where these people don't get paid that way. 1.00

01:02:25.000 The idea that you have to have a certain amount of crime every day in order to keep your position as a cop, that's insane. 0.85

01:02:35.000 What about a perfect world where we employ a lot of great cops, they become a member of the community, a respected member, because you don't have any fucking crime, so the cop doesn't be a problem anymore. 0.89

01:02:45.000 You don't look at him as a problem. 0.85

01:02:47.000 Don't do anything here because the sheriff's got to...

01:02:49.000 Well, you should look at cops.

01:02:51.000 It would be ideal, like in a perfect world. 0.99

01:02:54.000 All the people that were police officers would be the coolest fucking people in the world. 0.96

01:02:58.000 They just wanted everything to be cool. 0.98

01:03:00.000 Everything to stay calm.

01:03:02.000 And in the best case scenario, you live in a world where, like we were talking about how little violence there is.

01:03:09.000 Imagine if that got way better.

01:03:10.000 Imagine if like the douchebag factor got reduced dramatically for whatever way, in whatever way.

01:03:17.000 Imagine.

01:03:18.000 Imagine how wonderful it would be.

01:03:19.000 The world would be perfect. 0.98

01:03:21.000 We wouldn't have this fear that people constantly have of getting their home broken into or getting their ass kicked or getting in a fight or getting this or getting that. 0.90

01:03:29.000 All of it could go away. 0.99

01:03:33.000 But you can't just fucking choke a guy for cigarettes. 0.99

01:03:37.000 You can't do that. 0.99

01:03:38.000 You just can't do it.

01:03:40.000 Yeah, the way they slam people's faces into the pavement when they arrest them. 1.00

01:03:43.000 That shit's criminal. 1.00

01:03:43.000 Because it's written down somewhere? 1.00

01:03:47.000 Someone decided there's a swath of land, and you've got a mark across it.

01:03:52.000 Some people sneak over.

01:03:53.000 They don't have good paperwork.

01:03:54.000 They don't get a good education.

01:03:56.000 Who knows what this guy's life was like?

01:03:58.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:03:59.000 I don't know if he was an immigrant.

01:04:00.000 I'm making up an immigrant story, but there's so many people that do so many different things in this world because they're trying to get by.

01:04:08.000 And the idea that someone would tackle you and choke you just because you're selling loose cigarettes.

01:04:13.000 For, at worst, a ticketable offense.

01:04:16.000 How about if he's selling stolen cigarettes that he broke into a building and stole?

01:04:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:20.000 That's one thing.

01:04:21.000 Well, this guy's a property thief.

01:04:22.000 Also, they told that, whatever, the head cop there was like, no more chokeholds.

01:04:27.000 And so he did it anyway.

01:04:30.000 You have to choke a guy like that in their defense. 1.00

01:04:33.000 But here's the thing.

01:04:34.000 Chokes shouldn't kill you.

01:04:35.000 You certainly do if it's a fight.

01:04:37.000 It wasn't a fight.

01:04:38.000 Exactly.

01:04:38.000 In that situation, if he's defending himself, I'm saying.

01:04:42.000 The only time you would have to use a chokehold against a person is if that person is somehow or another trying to hurt you.

01:04:49.000 So, okay, let me ask a question.

01:04:51.000 He was just dragging the guy to the ground.

01:04:51.000 But if they told them to stop using chokeholds, and he used it anyway.

01:04:54.000 Well, you have to if you want to take the guy to the ground.

01:04:56.000 Yeah, but he said, the head cop was like, guys, no more of these.

01:04:59.000 Right.

01:04:59.000 Before this.

01:05:00.000 Exactly.

01:05:00.000 He used it anyway.

01:05:01.000 So if I went and choked somebody, and he died, and I could say, well, he just had asthma, what trouble would I be in?

01:05:09.000 Big time.

01:05:10.000 Manslaughter.

01:05:10.000 For sure.

01:05:11.000 And I couldn't use the excuse.

01:05:13.000 It depends.

01:05:14.000 It depends on what evidence the guy could be.

01:05:15.000 Like in this situation.

01:05:16.000 Same situation.

01:05:17.000 Okay, let's look at this situation.

01:05:18.000 Because in this situation, that guy was totally passive.

01:05:21.000 He didn't do anything wrong.

01:05:22.000 It was ugly.

01:05:23.000 It was ugly the way they grabbed him.

01:05:25.000 It was ugly the way...

01:05:26.000 But what I'm saying is like, if you want to control a guy who's that big, once it's a physical altercation, don't wait until he starts punching you or biting you before you choke him.

01:05:34.000 You choke him quick.

01:05:35.000 That's just what you do.

01:05:36.000 Yeah.

01:05:36.000 And I'm not condoning it in any way, shape, or form.

01:05:39.000 I think it's a terrible, terrible miscarriage of what's ethically right.

01:05:44.000 What's ethically right is not that the people with guns that are employed by the state come after you and drag you to the ground because they're not getting their tax money from you, which is all this loose cigarette thing is.

01:05:54.000 But what if the store owner did the exact same thing?

01:05:57.000 You were saying you, if you did it, you would have to have a reason to do it.

01:06:00.000 I mean, it would have to be some sort of an altercation.

01:06:02.000 So let's say I was a stoner.

01:06:02.000 And I came out there like, same reason, like, hey, I don't want you here, I sell cigarettes in here.

01:06:06.000 And the guy was like, I'm just trying to do it.

01:06:08.000 And then he just ran up behind him, choked him, and then his asthma made him die.

01:06:11.000 It depends on how it escalates, you know?

01:06:13.000 If you just attacked him, I would say, yeah, man, you just assaulted him for no reason.

01:06:18.000 Like this. 1.00

01:06:18.000 But what if he told you to fuck off and then tried to sucker punch you, and you had to duck under his punch. 1.00

01:06:23.000 He didn't do this. 1.00

01:06:23.000 Exactly, he didn't. 1.00

01:06:24.000 So then it would be a different story. 0.99

01:06:26.000 So in this situation, the store owner didn't do shit. 0.99

01:06:29.000 They called the cops. 0.97

01:06:30.000 But it was about a fight, because there had been a fight before.

01:06:35.000 That's why the cops had showed up.

01:06:37.000 So they showed up all geared up.

01:06:39.000 Yeah, they showed up geared up because there was an incident, and I think this guy might have even called it in.

01:06:46.000 The guy who they wound up killing.

01:06:48.000 Oh no!

01:06:49.000 Yeah.

01:06:49.000 I don't know exactly what happened.

01:06:52.000 But this dude just happened to be there when it went down.

01:06:55.000 I might be wrong about him calling it in.

01:06:56.000 But he was just there.

01:06:58.000 And so they had come looking for this fight.

01:07:01.000 The fight wasn't there.

01:07:02.000 And then they started going after this guy.

01:07:04.000 What's the result of this cop?

01:07:05.000 What happened to him?

01:07:06.000 I don't know, man.

01:07:06.000 I don't want to single the cop out.

01:07:08.000 I don't even want to mention his name.

01:07:09.000 Did he get off or is he in trouble?

01:07:11.000 I'm sure he was.

01:07:13.000 There's a cop right.

01:07:13.000 I was just looking right now.

01:07:14.000 Two days ago a cop was charged in this incident.

01:07:17.000 In the Eric Garner?

01:07:18.000 It's a woman, so it's not the one that put him in a chokehold.

01:07:21.000 I mean, we could- A sergeant, so she might be one of the ones that's in charge of the people that did it, so I'm looking right now.

01:07:26.000 That's what happens when you're a leader, right?

01:07:29.000 That's again, like the club owner and the open miker.

01:07:31.000 Imagine if you're a sergeant and your rookie out there chokes some guy to death and you get in trouble and you get kicked off the force, you lose your cushy job.

01:07:39.000 She's charged right now with failure to supervise, an internal charge. 0.99

01:07:43.000 Damn, they got her with failure to supervise. 1.00

01:07:45.000 How the fuck is she supposed to supervise like these guys choking this guy on the street? 1.00

01:07:50.000 What is she supposed to do? 0.99

01:07:52.000 Take the losses on a coach.

01:07:54.000 Is your forearm under his chin, yes or no?

01:07:58.000 Stop! 1.00

01:07:59.000 Let me check your technique.

01:08:01.000 I was in New York then.

01:08:02.000 What could she do?

01:08:03.000 And there were those cops.

01:08:04.000 I remember passing by these cops talking to each other.

01:08:06.000 Yeah.

01:08:07.000 And one was going, that's not a choke. 1.00

01:08:08.000 It's a fucking choke. 0.99

01:08:09.000 That's not a choke. 1.00

01:08:10.000 Let me put you in it.

01:08:10.000 He got it in a hold on his neck.

01:08:13.000 Let me put you in it.

01:08:14.000 No thanks. 1.00

01:08:16.000 I'll choke the shit out of somebody. 1.00

01:08:17.000 Anybody who tells me that's not a choke, let me hold your neck like that. 1.00

01:08:19.000 What qualifications do you have to be able to say what a choke is?

01:08:22.000 Me?

01:08:23.000 Yeah.

01:08:23.000 I've got a couple things.

01:08:25.000 You can definitely be called as an expert.

01:08:27.000 I said it on Twitter.

01:08:29.000 I said as a martial arts expert.

01:08:31.000 I even said that as a professional martial arts expert.

01:08:33.000 I'll tell you very clearly, that's a choke. 1.00

01:08:35.000 I will choke the fucking life out of you with that. 1.00

01:08:38.000 If I have your head in between my arms, forget me, okay? 1.00

01:08:42.000 How about Eddie Bravo?

01:08:43.000 Listen to me.

01:08:44.000 If Eddie Bravo has your neck and it's trapped in between his arms, you're going to sleep.

01:08:49.000 You're just going to sleep.

01:08:51.000 That's a choke. 1.00

01:08:52.000 If he's got your neck like they had Eric Gardner, you're going to sleep.

01:08:56.000 If Jake...

01:08:57.000 Look at this.

01:08:58.000 Come on, man.

01:08:59.000 That guy has his finger tucked under his wrist.

01:09:01.000 He's got the hand in the back. 0.99

01:09:03.000 He's just got a shitty choke. 0.98

01:09:04.000 He doesn't have the proper technique, for sure. 0.98

01:09:06.000 The other guy's holding his hand.

01:09:09.000 He's definitely underneath the guy's chin though, but this is just a freeze frame.

01:09:12.000 That might have been like a brief millisecond of struggle, you know, where he was pushing down with his left arm and up with his right.

01:09:20.000 Because if you look at his right arm, in this position, that right arm is just an underhook.

01:09:24.000 That's not putting any pressure on his neck.

01:09:26.000 The only thing that's pushing pressure on the neck is the left arm, which is under the chin, but there is definitely some space.

01:09:31.000 There's definitely some space, because it's not under his chin.

01:09:34.000 You see where his chin is?

01:09:35.000 Like, make it bigger, real quick.

01:09:37.000 Make it bigger.

01:09:37.000 But this is just one picture.

01:09:39.000 If you see where his chin is...

01:09:41.000 Yeah, he's just got the back of his hand.

01:09:42.000 What happened?

01:09:42.000 Going to your Twitter?

01:09:43.000 How dare you?

01:09:45.000 Oh.

01:09:47.000 But I saw an image where they were like on the ground.

01:09:53.000 Oh, really?

01:09:53.000 Yeah.

01:09:54.000 I saw a different image.

01:09:57.000 There it is.

01:09:58.000 See, that's a choke. 1.00

01:09:59.000 Oh, for sure.

01:10:00.000 That's a choke. 1.00

01:10:01.000 Oh, he's got under the neck, too. 0.99

01:10:02.000 That's a fucking 100% choke. 1.00

01:10:05.000 I'd choke you to death with one arm like that, if you let me. 1.00

01:10:08.000 If you let me get under your chin like that, like, this guy's letting him. 0.99

01:10:10.000 He's not resisting.

01:10:13.000 He's being, what I mean, he's letting him.

01:10:15.000 He's in a position where he can't do anything about it, I should say.

01:10:17.000 Even if he didn't die, let's say nothing happened to him.

01:10:23.000 See, he's not defending it.

01:10:25.000 So if he's not defending it, it's 100% of that guy's might.

01:10:28.000 The left guy, he's in a side choke position, so he's pushing down with his left shoulder as well as pulling up with his left hand.

01:10:35.000 And if he puts his left hand on the guy, Eric Gardner's shoulder, he uses that as leverage.

01:10:42.000 Like, guys choke...

01:10:43.000 Luke Rockhold tapped out Michael Bisping with a one-arm guillotine.

01:10:46.000 Okay, from the mount position, that's a powerful move.

01:10:49.000 I mean, it's not exactly this move here, but it's very similar in regards to how much pressure you can put down with your shoulder and how much you can pull up with your arm. 0.99

01:10:57.000 That's a fucking choke. 0.98

01:11:02.000 Somebody gets you in a bed, like, Marcelo Garcia? 1.00

01:11:04.000 How about Jacare?

01:11:05.000 Jacare gets a hold of you like that? 1.00

01:11:07.000 Yeah, that's a fucking choke. 1.00

01:11:09.000 You're gonna go to sleep. 1.00

01:11:10.000 It's not the best choke in the world, okay?

01:11:12.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:11:13.000 It's not like the perfect choke.

01:11:15.000 The perfect choke is, you know, like a Marcelo Garcia rear naked choke, where the technique is just so laser sharp.

01:11:23.000 Is there a laser sharp?

01:11:25.000 Lasers might not even be sharp.

01:11:26.000 Like in Star Wars, they're not sharp.

01:11:32.000 Do we really need to watch this guy die? 0.99

01:11:38.000 They're fucking with him, I'll tell you that. 1.00

01:11:44.000 He's like, I didn't sell anything. 1.00

01:11:46.000 He didn't even have loose cigarettes on him when they arrested him.

01:11:48.000 Did you know that?

01:11:49.000 No way.

01:11:50.000 Nope, didn't have them.

01:11:58.000 Easy way or hard way for what?

01:11:59.000 Every time you see me, you want to mess with me.

01:12:01.000 I'm tired of it.

01:12:02.000 It stops today.

01:12:03.000 This guy right here is forced to leave.

01:12:05.000 Trying to lock somebody up for breaking up a fight.

01:12:09.000 So yeah, he broke up a fight.

01:12:10.000 Everybody standing here, they told you I didn't do nothing.

01:12:13.000 I did not sell nothing.

01:12:16.000 Because every time you see me, you want to harass me, you want to stop me, trying to tell me something.

01:12:21.000 You know what the world needs is a mediator.

01:12:23.000 What do you mean?

01:12:25.000 Stop.

01:12:25.000 Like, let's press a button on our app.

01:12:27.000 A life mediator.

01:12:28.000 And we have a life mediator show up who's like a really cool dude like The Rock.

01:12:32.000 Like, I feel like The Rock could have kept that guy alive.

01:12:36.000 He would have got there in between the cops.

01:12:38.000 Boys, boys, boys, relax here.

01:12:40.000 Let's talk this through.

01:12:43.000 Let's be rational, man.

01:12:45.000 We'll regret it in the morning. 0.98

01:12:46.000 He'll have some motivational shit, maybe take him to the gym, everybody does some squats. 0.92

01:12:51.000 Diaz had a guy, Brea, a show, I think we all did, I think it was Brea, where the guy was getting kicked out and they were like, he wouldn't leave, so they were calling the cops, and Diaz was like, you gotta get out of here, they're gonna arrest you, just leave! 0.82

01:13:01.000 Oh yeah, that video, we made a video of it, remember?

01:13:03.000 No, I don't, really?

01:13:04.000 Yeah, there was a video of it. 1.00

01:13:06.000 Because they're gonna rape you, you're small, they're gonna rape you in prison! 1.00

01:13:08.000 Just go! 1.00

01:13:09.000 So you don't get raped in prison, you have to go! 0.65

01:13:12.000 I'm pretty sure Red Band got a video of it.

01:13:15.000 Oh, really?

01:13:15.000 Yeah, I think he got a video of it and then maybe a video of the guy getting arrested later.

01:13:20.000 Oh, yeah, he wouldn't go.

01:13:22.000 He was settled in.

01:13:23.000 Yeah, you never know, man. 0.99

01:13:29.000 God damn it, Shafir. 1.00

01:13:30.000 Life is good. 1.00

01:13:32.000 Life is good, but I need a tank.

01:13:34.000 Either a little one or a big one.

01:13:35.000 I already did my show.

01:13:37.000 Artie Lang did it?

01:13:37.000 What did he talk about?

01:13:38.000 He talked about, he told two stories.

01:13:40.000 So, one's going on just web, one's going on TV, talked about when he was on MADtv doing a bunch of blow while he was supposed to be working.

01:13:51.000 This is the only life where you can talk about things like that.

01:13:54.000 Just casually?

01:13:55.000 Yeah.

01:13:55.000 And it seems funny.

01:13:56.000 Yeah.

01:13:57.000 Whereas if he was an insurance salesman and he was talking to the people at his sober counseling.

01:14:02.000 Oh yeah, you cannot talk about your cocaine.

01:14:05.000 By the way, new episode is February 23rd on Comedy Central.

01:14:08.000 Oh, season two?

01:14:10.000 Deuce?

01:14:10.000 Are you calling it deuce?

01:14:11.000 Season deuce?

01:14:13.000 Season dose?

01:14:16.000 Yeah, I should say that.

01:14:18.000 I like what you're doing.

01:14:22.000 What do you mean?

01:14:23.000 Overall, I like what you're doing with your life.

01:14:25.000 I like how you go on these nutty trips.

01:14:28.000 You just take a month and just go somewhere.

01:14:30.000 You went to Thailand for a while.

01:14:32.000 You talk to your average stoner.

01:14:36.000 Yeah.

01:14:37.000 Who is a brokester and is just barely getting by. 0.99

01:14:39.000 Man, if I had fucking money, you know what I'd do, dude? 1.00

01:14:41.000 I wouldn't even be worried about shit, man. 1.00

01:14:43.000 I'd just fucking leave my phone behind. 0.99

01:14:45.000 I'd go to Thailand for a month. 1.00

01:14:46.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

01:14:47.000 I'd tell my agent, suck my dick. 1.00

01:14:48.000 I'll be back in 30 days. 1.00

01:14:50.000 Until then, deal. 1.00

01:14:51.000 But we have meetings, but we have, fuck you, I'm going to Thailand. 1.00

01:14:55.000 Just bring your laptop. 1.00

01:14:56.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:14:57.000 So you just decided. 1.00

01:14:59.000 You just decided.

01:15:00.000 I had to go to Atlanta first to shoot something and then right to Thailand, so I mailed my phone back to my home.

01:15:04.000 Yeah, dude.

01:15:05.000 And went and got on the plane.

01:15:06.000 Yeah.

01:15:07.000 I don't want that.

01:15:08.000 That's how you're supposed to do it.

01:15:09.000 Yeah, it was so much fun.

01:15:10.000 No, you're doing it exactly the right way. 1.00

01:15:12.000 Find some shit in a new country. 1.00

01:15:15.000 Eat some crazy noodles. 1.00

01:15:16.000 Yeah.

01:15:17.000 Experience some weirdness.

01:15:18.000 They sell so much Viagra on the streets of Bangkok.

01:15:21.000 Thank God.

01:15:22.000 It is everywhere.

01:15:24.000 They just look at you like, Viagra, Viagra!

01:15:26.000 And you're like, first of all, this is like Viagra.

01:15:28.000 It's such clearly a knockoff.

01:15:31.000 Does it work?

01:15:31.000 I don't know.

01:15:32.000 I wasn't going to try it.

01:15:33.000 Because they weren't discounted to like a dollar a pill.

01:15:36.000 They were like half as much as they would have cost in like a store here.

01:15:39.000 And that was offensive to you.

01:15:41.000 Look at your face.

01:15:41.000 You're like, excuse me, we're in a third world country.

01:15:43.000 You don't deserve my money.

01:15:45.000 There are children working right now and it's 3 a.m. 1.00

01:15:47.000 And that guy's six and he's trying to sell me shit. 0.99

01:15:50.000 So I think the pleasure should reflect that. 0.99

01:15:53.000 Yeah, you don't need a lot of money to get by in Thailand, right?

01:15:56.000 Oh, no.

01:15:57.000 Once you're there, you're good.

01:15:59.000 And it's relatively safe.

01:16:00.000 Dude, everything is free.

01:16:03.000 Thailand's a little more dangerous.

01:16:04.000 China's super safe. 1.00

01:16:05.000 Thailand, you can get fucked with a little bit. 1.00

01:16:09.000 But it's relatively safe. 1.00

01:16:10.000 It ain't, like, any worse than here, really.

01:16:13.000 The only thing you gotta worry about a little bit is cops more.

01:16:16.000 Oh, really?

01:16:16.000 Thailand?

01:16:17.000 Yeah.

01:16:17.000 They probably know Muay Thai.

01:16:19.000 Fuck you up. 1.00

01:16:20.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:16:21.000 But yeah, I walked around the streets and shit. 0.99

01:16:23.000 Even the small places and the big places. 0.99

01:16:25.000 Yeah?

01:16:26.000 Yeah, I didn't really feel any danger.

01:16:28.000 Did you go to Muay Thai fights?

01:16:30.000 I went to Thai kickboxing fights?

01:16:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:16:35.000 They just play this fucking flute thing the whole time. 0.99

01:16:39.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:40.000 It's an annoying sound.

01:16:41.000 And they each have a dance of their own sensei.

01:16:44.000 They have to do this special dance of their own dojo.

01:16:46.000 Well, I think it's called the Y-Crew.

01:16:49.000 I think that's how they spell it.

01:16:51.000 It was so cool!

01:16:52.000 I might have said it wrong.

01:16:52.000 Yeah, it's pretty dope.

01:16:54.000 Okay, so you just walk down this like...

01:16:56.000 Yeah, explain what that is. 0.99

01:16:58.000 The whole little dance, because people are like, what the fuck are they talking about? 0.92

01:17:02.000 They have to do this, they introduce each person, and then as they're both in there, I think they do it together? 0.97

01:17:09.000 Maybe one at a time, I'm not really sure.

01:17:11.000 They just do this act-out dance, where they just sort of kick a knee up, and then do a fake clinch, maybe a spin, kick and stuff, but just by themselves, not at anybody.

01:17:23.000 And then they do that for a while.

01:17:24.000 They go all the way down to like one knee where one foot goes way out behind. 0.70

01:17:27.000 We'll watch these guys do it at the same time.

01:17:29.000 These are the hardcore guys.

01:17:30.000 They're doing a lot more of these matches.

01:17:32.000 You see these guys' wraps on their hands?

01:17:34.000 They're gonna fight bare knuckle. 1.00

01:17:36.000 It's not totally bare knuckle.

01:17:38.000 You have wraps, but they're not gonna wear gloves.

01:17:40.000 And there's quite a few fights that are taking place where guys are fighting like this now.

01:17:44.000 And I'm wondering if it's an impact of MMA being more popular.

01:17:48.000 Oh, really?

01:17:49.000 The ones I saw had these thick boxing gloves on.

01:17:53.000 This guy I follow on Instagram, Sanchai. 1.00

01:17:55.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:17:57.000 And he just fought the other night with those gloves on. 1.00

01:18:02.000 Wraps, rather.

01:18:03.000 No gloves.

01:18:04.000 And I was like, wow, he's doing those fights.

01:18:07.000 Like, some of the top Thai guys are doing these fights.

01:18:10.000 And they wrap the rope around their head.

01:18:12.000 It's just sort of like...

01:18:13.000 This is all ceremonial right now.

01:18:14.000 Well, it's not just...

01:18:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:18:15.000 They do the spin things with their hands?

01:18:17.000 No, it's also a warm-up.

01:18:18.000 See, when you watch what he's doing here, when he bends his knee down and picks his foot up, he's stretching his hips.

01:18:24.000 He's stretching all the muscles around his upper leg.

01:18:29.000 It'll make it more loose for kicking.

01:18:31.000 So he's loosening up.

01:18:33.000 See, all the power in your kick comes from weight, but it comes from your hips.

01:18:37.000 A lot of it is the swinging of the hips and the engaging of the hips when you throw kicks.

01:18:41.000 So what he's doing is like, it's conducive to warming up that area where you're gonna light someone's legs up.

01:18:47.000 They're both doing it.

01:18:48.000 See how they're both doing it?

01:18:49.000 It's a warm-up.

01:18:50.000 But it's also spiritual.

01:18:52.000 But it's also spiritual.

01:18:54.000 So you're walking down the street and you see an alley.

01:18:59.000 And you just go down in the alley.

01:19:00.000 And there's just a ring in the middle of it.

01:19:02.000 And maybe a pool table and four makeshift bars around it.

01:19:07.000 It almost looks like a lemonade stand at the Rose Bowl swap meet.

01:19:12.000 And then you just get booze.

01:19:13.000 Some people come around taking bets.

01:19:15.000 Like, who do you want?

01:19:17.000 Wow.

01:19:17.000 And then if you pick the right guy, you can bet whatever bet you want, and they'll just pay it off.

01:19:21.000 Dude, this is a beautiful art.

01:19:23.000 Yeah.

01:19:24.000 I love Muay Thai.

01:19:25.000 It's beautiful, but see, like that, he was doing one-legged squats.

01:19:28.000 Yeah.

01:19:29.000 And when you're doing that, you're just trying to warm up.

01:19:31.000 Yeah, he's just trying to warm up his hips.

01:19:34.000 And they're right next to each other, too, and they're about to beat the fuck out of each other. 0.81

01:19:37.000 Yeah.

01:19:37.000 It's so weird.

01:19:38.000 They're all real respectful.

01:19:39.000 Yeah.

01:19:39.000 I didn't see any.

01:19:40.000 I went to a couple different ones.

01:19:42.000 They're these weird promoters.

01:19:44.000 These are just back-alley things, and they just get like, you know, 50 people to show up.

01:19:47.000 Well, they're the same way, though, even when they're world champions.

01:19:51.000 Really?

01:19:51.000 It's really interesting, yeah.

01:19:52.000 I've seen world championship fights where the two fighters get, but I've also seen animosity.

01:19:58.000 I watched this fight in L.A. where Bukow was fighting this guy, and Bukow, I think his name was Par Promet.

01:20:05.000 It's like their name, part of their name is what their gym that they're fighting out of.

01:20:12.000 But I think his actual name is Bull Cow.

01:20:15.000 I think.

01:20:15.000 I'm not sure.

01:20:16.000 Either way, he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:20:18.000 Like a world champion, world class TIE fighter. 1.00

01:20:22.000 And he fought this dude who was really disrespectful to him.

01:20:25.000 So he did this like very violent and aggressive dance towards him.

01:20:31.000 Really?

01:20:32.000 Yeah, it was very different. 0.52

01:20:33.000 It's very different than I'd ever seen before, where he'd like launched arrows at him and shit and like had all this like choreographed, but it was like directed towards this guy. 0.97

01:20:42.000 Then they fought and he fucked him up. 0.97

01:20:44.000 He lit him up. 1.00

01:20:45.000 He shot the arrows at him and also fucked him up? 1.00

01:20:47.000 Well, he fake shot the arrows during his dance, but when they fought, he fucked the dude up. 1.00

01:20:52.000 He backed out the trash. 0.99

01:20:53.000 Well, Bull Cow's on a very high level as a TIE fighter.

01:20:58.000 And there's a lot of... 0.99

01:20:59.000 Fighters who are maybe aggressive and athletic, and they hit really hard, and they overestimate their ability, and they just think they're a bad motherfucker. 0.99

01:21:09.000 They've knocked a bunch of guys out. 0.99

01:21:10.000 They're gonna fight Bua Cao. 1.00

01:21:11.000 They're gonna knock this motherfucker out, too. 0.99

01:21:13.000 Like, people have this idea in their head, but you get in there with that guy, and you realize, like, oh, okay. 1.00

01:21:18.000 I can't even hit him, and every time I move, he's killing my legs.

01:21:22.000 Every time I come close to him, his knee is getting buried into my ribcage.

01:21:26.000 He's elbowing me in the head on the break, and then smiling at me and doing it all over again.

01:21:30.000 He's gonna keep doing it, and your body's gonna start breaking down, and that's what happened. 0.98

01:21:34.000 He just started beating the fuck out of this dude.

01:21:36.000 Like, those guys were getting a little aggressive there. 0.86

01:21:37.000 Yeah, he was.

01:21:38.000 Getting the wave off.

01:21:39.000 This is lasting way longer than anything I saw.

01:21:41.000 Yeah, these guys love each other, I think.

01:21:43.000 I think they're gonna start making out. 1.00

01:21:44.000 I think Jamie just tricked us into watching some gay porn. 0.99

01:21:48.000 It's gonna start off, that's why they have the gloves on. 0.99

01:21:51.000 They're just gonna fist each other with those things. 1.00

01:21:58.000 How many fights did you see?

01:21:59.000 I saw probably 10 fights the first time.

01:22:03.000 And then in Chiang Mai, I probably saw another probably seven, eight fights.

01:22:09.000 What was the fight where you and Duncan were in the crowd at the UFC and you timed it perfectly?

01:22:15.000 I don't know who was fighting in this wrestling fight.

01:22:17.000 Nate Marquardt and Brad Tavares.

01:22:19.000 Powerful memory.

01:22:20.000 I remember that.

01:22:22.000 How do I remember that? 1.00

01:22:23.000 My wife would tell me some shit yesterday. 1.00

01:22:25.000 I'm like, you never said that. 0.99

01:22:26.000 Meanwhile, she totally talked for like 10 minutes about it.

01:22:29.000 Really?

01:22:29.000 But Nate Marquardt versus Brad Tavares.

01:22:31.000 Oh, it was so much fun.

01:22:32.000 That's it.

01:22:33.000 Nate Marquardt, Brad Tavares.

01:22:36.000 So we're sitting in the front row.

01:22:37.000 And when the camera came to them, they made out.

01:22:40.000 Look at Frosty dying.

01:22:42.000 Dying laughing.

01:22:43.000 How dare you?

01:22:44.000 How dare you?

01:22:47.000 So we're starting to throw Illuminati signs up.

01:22:51.000 We made a big one with my whole forearm and his both.

01:22:56.000 Giant triangles.

01:22:57.000 And then he goes, at some point Duncan's like, we kept taking it up a notch.

01:23:01.000 And at some point he just leans to me and he goes, you know we got a kiss, right? 1.00

01:23:04.000 And I was like, motherfucker. 1.00

01:23:07.000 Yes. 1.00

01:23:08.000 You're right.

01:23:10.000 Oh, dude.

01:23:11.000 And so I'm watching a fight and Duncan's staring at the monitor, the whole time just staring, waiting for it to come on us.

01:23:16.000 And then at some point he just goes, now!

01:23:18.000 So I just had to turn and start making out.

01:23:20.000 Yeah, we gotta be careful about that, folks.

01:23:22.000 What?

01:23:23.000 Get me in trouble.

01:23:24.000 Oh, I know.

01:23:25.000 The UFC didn't even care.

01:23:27.000 They thought it was funny.

01:23:28.000 Dana wrote me the next day.

01:23:29.000 Dana's an animal. 1.00

01:23:30.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

01:23:31.000 I didn't know if he met me. 0.99

01:23:31.000 He goes, you two are quite the social media stars this morning. 0.99

01:23:34.000 Yeah.

01:23:36.000 But, like, it ain't a bad thing.

01:23:38.000 It's funny.

01:23:39.000 You didn't do anything wrong.

01:23:40.000 Like, Dana's a regular person.

01:23:42.000 Yeah.

01:23:42.000 You know, like, for having a guy who's the president of, like, the Illuminated Eyesights!

01:23:49.000 You get so retarded! 1.00

01:23:51.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:23:52.000 That is so stupid. 1.00

01:23:56.000 We're children. 1.00

01:23:57.000 We're in our 40s. 0.99

01:23:58.000 What the fuck is wrong with us? 0.99

01:24:00.000 Duncan, the people he thinks, legit think that he's in the Illuminati. 1.00

01:24:03.000 Of course they do.

01:24:04.000 They think I am too.

01:24:05.000 They think I'm a Satan worshipper.

01:24:06.000 Because I went to that performance that he did at that guy's funeral.

01:24:10.000 Or, funeral.

01:24:11.000 Duncan.

01:24:11.000 Funeral.

01:24:11.000 This is where my mouth is.

01:24:12.000 It was his birthday party.

01:24:14.000 Oh, the wedding thon.

01:24:15.000 Remember?

01:24:16.000 Someone's wedding?

01:24:17.000 It was one of the LaVey's, Anton LaVey's grandson or something like that.

01:24:22.000 We went to that show.

01:24:22.000 He performed at one of his birthday parties with a dead grandfather.

01:24:26.000 Oh, really?

01:24:27.000 I wasn't there for that one.

01:24:28.000 But Duncan did Little Hobo.

01:24:31.000 It was so bizarre.

01:24:33.000 It was just so strange.

01:24:36.000 I ran into a bunch of people I knew there, too.

01:24:38.000 Really?

01:24:38.000 Yeah.

01:24:39.000 Oh, you guys are quite the Satanists, huh?

01:24:41.000 Yeah, hmm.

01:24:41.000 Well, they weren't really Satanists.

01:24:43.000 Like, one of them was hired.

01:24:45.000 It was Dave Foley's wife at the time.

01:24:47.000 Oh.

01:24:48.000 Yeah, I was like, oh, hey, what's up?

01:24:50.000 She was there.

01:24:51.000 There was a bunch of people.

01:24:52.000 Didn't we run into some other comics there, too?

01:24:54.000 I wasn't at their wedding.

01:24:55.000 You didn't go to their wedding?

01:24:56.000 No.

01:24:56.000 It was just me and Duncan and Joey?

01:24:57.000 Joey went.

01:24:58.000 Eddie Bravo went, too. 0.99

01:24:59.000 Yeah, we were like, what the fuck is this? 0.99

01:25:01.000 It wasn't some party. 0.99

01:25:03.000 It wasn't necessarily a wedding.

01:25:05.000 It was like six...

01:25:06.000 I don't know.

01:25:08.000 Whatever.

01:25:08.000 I met a guy.

01:25:09.000 Hank III was there, too.

01:25:10.000 That's who it was.

01:25:11.000 Hank Williams III? Yeah.

01:25:12.000 Oh, that's cool.

01:25:13.000 Yeah, I didn't get to meet him, but I like his music.

01:25:16.000 It's really crazy.

01:25:18.000 Yeah.

01:25:19.000 And he was awesome.

01:25:20.000 He's got country roots, too.

01:25:21.000 Oh, deep.

01:25:22.000 He was awesome in that Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.

01:25:26.000 It was a good movie. 0.99

01:25:27.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:25:27.000 They were rednecks. 1.00

01:25:29.000 Oh, my God.

01:25:29.000 But he was great in it, too.

01:25:32.000 He's helping narrate it and talk to the Jesco, the dancing outlaw. 0.98

01:25:38.000 What a bunch of fucking awesome, strange people. 1.00

01:25:42.000 They run shit too, huh? 1.00

01:25:44.000 Well, sort of. 1.00

01:25:45.000 I mean, they're only getting arrested and fucked up. 0.99

01:25:48.000 They're the Duke boys. 0.99

01:25:49.000 They're the real Duke boys.

01:25:50.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:25:52.000 Yeah, like the Duke boys are supposed to be like these heart of gold moonshiners who don't want to fuck their cousin. 1.00

01:25:59.000 I'm not buying it. 1.00

01:26:00.000 I would be like, we're only cousins. 1.00

01:26:03.000 Look at this bitch. 1.00

01:26:04.000 Nobody's fucking Daisy, okay? 1.00

01:26:05.000 She can't get a goddamn boyfriend. 1.00

01:26:07.000 She's running around. 1.00

01:26:08.000 Oh, because she likes Cletus.

01:26:09.000 She likes Cletus.

01:26:10.000 Can she make it more obvious?

01:26:12.000 She's cut the legs off her shorts so you could just finger her on a swing. 1.00

01:26:17.000 She's there for you.

01:26:18.000 She's letting you know.

01:26:19.000 Oh my god.

01:26:19.000 She's hacking her shorts like no girl ever before her.

01:26:22.000 No girl's ever done that. 0.93

01:26:23.000 Ever. 0.99

01:26:23.000 Even now, it's like, God damn. 0.99

01:26:25.000 And she was doing it when no one was doing it. 0.99

01:26:27.000 And she was wearing men's shirts. 1.00

01:26:29.000 Like, she just got done fucking. 1.00

01:26:31.000 Tied up? 1.00

01:26:31.000 Like, she tied some man's shirt on. 1.00

01:26:33.000 Like, your shirt.

01:26:33.000 She could be wearing your shirt.

01:26:35.000 Wow.

01:26:35.000 Buttons down to the fifth button.

01:26:37.000 Tied off on the bottom. 0.94

01:26:39.000 Titties.

01:26:39.000 Come on, son.

01:26:40.000 She's got a man's shirt on. 0.99

01:26:41.000 Why does that super hot girl have almost no shorts in a man's shirt? 1.00

01:26:44.000 That's the second Luke Duke, right?

01:26:46.000 That ain't number one Bo and Luke.

01:26:48.000 No, that's real.

01:26:49.000 That's number two Bo and Luke.

01:26:49.000 How dare you?

01:26:49.000 You don't even know your history.

01:26:51.000 Show me the number two Bo and Luke.

01:26:52.000 That's John Schneider.

01:26:52.000 Yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

01:26:54.000 That's him.

01:26:55.000 Yeah, it's been a while.

01:26:55.000 Tom Wolpat.

01:26:57.000 Man, that hair.

01:26:59.000 Those are the number twos?

01:27:01.000 No, these are still the real people.

01:27:02.000 No, same guy, same guy.

01:27:03.000 God, look at those shorts. 0.99

01:27:04.000 Jesus Christ, she was hot. 1.00

01:27:05.000 All pink?

01:27:06.000 This makes me nervous just looking at her. 1.00

01:27:10.000 You can see their fucking junk in their pants. 1.00

01:27:12.000 Yeah, their dicks were as hard as rocks. 1.00

01:27:13.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:27:14.000 Look, they're right next to her.

01:27:15.000 And they're not even related to her.

01:27:16.000 It's not real.

01:27:18.000 Does she have camel toe on that? 1.00

01:27:19.000 She's got everything.

01:27:19.000 It looks like it's the beginning of one.

01:27:21.000 Just the beginning of vag outline.

01:27:22.000 She's got everything.

01:27:23.000 You can see the slice.

01:27:24.000 Yeah.

01:27:25.000 They had grandma panties back then. 0.80

01:27:27.000 Oh.

01:27:28.000 Guess who doesn't care?

01:27:29.000 Me.

01:27:31.000 Are you a panties guy?

01:27:33.000 What do you mean?

01:27:34.000 Smelling and stuff?

01:27:35.000 I like when girls wear thongs. 1.00

01:27:37.000 I don't like granny panties.

01:27:39.000 I think when girls learn nothing. 1.00

01:27:40.000 Yeah.

01:27:41.000 Say it.

01:27:43.000 Somebody's got help.

01:27:45.000 What are you constraining yourself? 1.00

01:27:46.000 So they were moonshiners with a heart of gold that never got any pussy. 1.00

01:27:51.000 And they were beautiful men. 1.00

01:27:53.000 Beautiful men and their hot cousin. 0.99

01:27:55.000 It was a show where no one fucked. 1.00

01:27:56.000 It was the most ridiculous world. 0.99

01:27:58.000 It was way more ridiculous than the fact that they were shooting bows and arrows with dynamite at the end of it. 1.00

01:28:05.000 And they didn't have guns because they did time for fucking running moonshine. 0.98

01:28:08.000 But the man Man, that was a fun show. 0.99

01:28:16.000 But nobody fucked. 0.99

01:28:16.000 Nobody fucked. 0.99

01:28:17.000 Yeah, you'd think fucking Boss Hogg would have had a slew of hookers. 1.00

01:28:20.000 She should have a line of dudes. 1.00

01:28:23.000 They should do that show now, in reality.

01:28:25.000 Like, this is what it would be like.

01:28:26.000 Well, let's think about her.

01:28:27.000 She was the only hot girl on the show ever. 1.00

01:28:29.000 Look who fucking Uncle Jesse's sitting next to. 1.00

01:28:31.000 One of the grossest women of all time. 1.00

01:28:33.000 That's his wife. 0.99

01:28:34.000 How dare you?

01:28:35.000 Yeah.

01:28:35.000 How dare you?

01:28:36.000 He would have been fucking Daisy. 1.00

01:28:37.000 She's a wonderful woman and a great cook. 1.00

01:28:38.000 Uncle Jesse would have been fucking her. 1.00

01:28:39.000 He would have been fucking her. 1.00

01:28:40.000 Uncle Jesse would have fucked her. 1.00

01:28:42.000 Everybody would have fucked her. 1.00

01:28:42.000 Cletus, Scooter. 1.00

01:28:43.000 Boss Hogg definitely would have had her on the payroll. 1.00

01:28:45.000 He would have had her on the payroll.

01:28:47.000 She would have been riding right next to him in that Cadillac with the bullhorns in the front of it. 0.97

01:28:50.000 But she came on to the other guy. 0.87

01:28:53.000 Oh, Cletus.

01:28:53.000 She was always coming on to him.

01:28:54.000 Cletus is gay as fuck. 1.00

01:28:55.000 And he was uncomfortable by it. 1.00

01:28:57.000 Because Jesus was strong in his life.

01:28:59.000 That's why Cletus didn't want to admit it.

01:29:02.000 That's them now?

01:29:03.000 Don't show me now.

01:29:04.000 Don't.

01:29:05.000 Don't do it to me.

01:29:06.000 Just don't do it to me, Jamie. 1.00

01:29:08.000 Kill this thing. 1.00

01:29:09.000 We're watching television now. 1.00

01:29:10.000 Oh, look at her sitting up. 1.00

01:29:13.000 Her legs were so hot.

01:29:15.000 She was ridiculously hot. 1.00

01:29:17.000 We're just watching TV now.

01:29:18.000 But here's what's crazy about that show.

01:29:20.000 I mean, was there another girl on the show?

01:29:22.000 Ever?

01:29:23.000 Besides, like, old ladies? 1.00

01:29:24.000 Maybe she had, like, a rule in the contract.

01:29:27.000 She could be the only hot one? 0.97

01:29:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:29:28.000 Like, listen bitches. 1.00

01:29:30.000 I don't think there was ever another lady. 0.99

01:29:32.000 I watched it.

01:29:33.000 If I was running the Dukes of Hazzard, okay?

01:29:35.000 That's why I'm not an executive producer.

01:29:37.000 If I was running the Dukes of Hazzard, I would say, okay, why do we only have one hot chick? 1.00

01:29:41.000 Are you guys out of your fucking mind? 1.00

01:29:43.000 We need to Baywatch this motherfucker up. 1.00

01:29:44.000 You would turn into porn if you were running it. 1.00

01:29:46.000 Within two seasons, it'd be like... 1.00

01:29:49.000 Let's just say, hey, boss hog!

01:29:51.000 No, it's a comedy, folks.

01:29:53.000 You should have more funny, hot girls in the background. 1.00

01:29:57.000 Do another shit. 1.00

01:29:58.000 Maybe run another alternative storyline. 1.00

01:30:00.000 You know, you have an A plot and a B plot.

01:30:01.000 This is the problem with Hollywood. 0.99

01:30:02.000 As soon as you get some fucking heat, now you're like, let's put some more hot women in this sitcom. 1.00

01:30:06.000 You're ruining it! 1.00

01:30:07.000 No, no, no, no.

01:30:08.000 I'm trying to diversify.

01:30:09.000 I'm thinking a hot Indian woman. 1.00

01:30:11.000 That's what I'm thinking.

01:30:12.000 A really hot Indian woman. 1.00

01:30:13.000 You always get...

01:30:14.000 You think you're going to get... 1.00

01:30:15.000 It's that close to happening and she shuts you down and makes you feel like an idiot. 1.00

01:30:19.000 And maybe they're smuggling a shipment of Jell-O and the two of them have to... 1.00

01:30:22.000 Maybe have some sort of battle?

01:30:24.000 Let's just make sure that punch is up.

01:30:26.000 When we write this together...

01:30:28.000 Everyone will be white. 0.98

01:30:29.000 Everyone will be white. 0.98

01:30:29.000 It has to punch up. 0.98

01:30:31.000 We make fun of white men, especially. 0.99

01:30:33.000 Let's punch up. 0.99

01:30:35.000 Okay?

01:30:36.000 It's important, Ari.

01:30:37.000 Somebody recognized me in an island in Thailand.

01:30:41.000 It said Eddie Bravo.

01:30:42.000 He takes Muay Thai class there and said Eddie Bravo's got to teach a seminar.

01:30:46.000 He was going to teach a seminar?

01:30:48.000 No, he was like, please tell Eddie Bravo.

01:30:49.000 Well, what are you, a messenger for Eddie Bravo? 1.00

01:30:51.000 Tell that motherfucker to get on Twitter like everybody else. 1.00

01:30:54.000 Come on. 1.00

01:30:55.000 You guys have the internet.

01:30:56.000 They have the internet.

01:30:58.000 How dare he?

01:30:59.000 Try to use you.

01:31:00.000 How about just say hello, man?

01:31:02.000 He did.

01:31:03.000 You have a task! 1.00

01:31:04.000 What am I, a carrier pigeon, you fuck? 1.00

01:31:05.000 Huh? 1.00

01:31:06.000 What am I, a raven?

01:31:07.000 You want to tie something to my ankle? 0.99

01:31:09.000 He helped me teach me how to get the fucking kick out of my scooter. 1.00

01:31:13.000 I was like, how do you fuck it? 1.00

01:31:14.000 And he goes, Ari Shafir? 1.00

01:31:15.000 I'm like, yeah.

01:31:15.000 I'm like, hey, how do you kick this scooter thing out?

01:31:17.000 And he goes, here, let me show you.

01:31:18.000 Tell Eddie Bravo to come out here.

01:31:19.000 That would actually be really hot if you had, like, a girl who was like a super hot girl who would carry a message to you taped to her ankle. 1.00

01:31:28.000 Yeah, and then what?

01:31:29.000 Like, it became a service.

01:31:32.000 A messenger hottie. 0.86

01:31:33.000 Yeah, you know how, like, maybe, like, you would hire someone to be a clown at a birthday party, or someone to show up at your dance, show up at your office, rather, and do a dance for you on your birthday?

01:31:45.000 Yeah.

01:31:45.000 You know, somebody got you a dancagram!

01:31:47.000 Da-da-da-da-da! 0.95

01:31:48.000 Instead of that, you have hot girls show up like ravens with a note. 1.00

01:31:53.000 Attached to their ankle and they have to put their leg up on your desk and untie the note and give it to you in some weird sort of semi-stripper sort of situation. 0.96

01:32:02.000 And you read this little scroll that someone had written out like old-timey.

01:32:08.000 Go way back.

01:32:10.000 This is how you communicate with people.

01:32:11.000 Can you have a seal, one of those wax seals that you have to stamp like it hasn't been broken?

01:32:15.000 Of course.

01:32:17.000 Absolutely.

01:32:18.000 Yeah, a wax seal around her ankle.

01:32:22.000 Maybe a little hot wax got on her. 1.00

01:32:26.000 How did I feel when this message was the test?

01:32:28.000 It's okay.

01:32:28.000 I like it.

01:32:29.000 I like being in a little pain.

01:32:30.000 Don't hurt me.

01:32:31.000 A little wax, a little hot wax never hurt anything.

01:32:35.000 That would be a new service.

01:32:37.000 How much would you pay?

01:32:38.000 At least five dollars extra.

01:32:40.000 Well, what I'm thinking is...

01:32:41.000 But probably more.

01:32:41.000 Let's just concentrate on ballers.

01:32:43.000 We move into Bel Air and Beverly Hills where all these fuckheads are driving million-dollar cars, and we just start running shit. 0.99

01:32:49.000 Get the former Miss Yugoslavia. 1.00

01:32:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:51.000 He's running from a fucking uprising in her country. 1.00

01:32:53.000 Let's get crazy. 1.00

01:32:54.000 Let's say each message costs a thousand dollars to deliver a message in Los Angeles.

01:33:00.000 In that style.

01:33:00.000 Mm-hmm.

01:33:01.000 In that style.

01:33:01.000 One thousand dollars plus tips.

01:33:04.000 But you gotta make sure the girls don't become hookers. 1.00

01:33:07.000 They would just become hookers. 1.00

01:33:09.000 You've already done this for a thousand? 0.99

01:33:10.000 Well, I have 30,000 more if you'll...

01:33:13.000 Come on into my castle.

01:33:15.000 How long have you been working for this agency?

01:33:17.000 You're so much hotter than all the other girls who ever do this. 1.00

01:33:20.000 Listen, you don't need this shit. 1.00

01:33:21.000 Sit down. 1.00

01:33:22.000 I'll call them.

01:33:23.000 Have a drink with me.

01:33:25.000 Do you like music?

01:33:26.000 What kind of music do you like?

01:33:28.000 How about R. Kelly?

01:33:31.000 Real talk.

01:33:32.000 Real talk! 1.00

01:33:35.000 Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes! 1.00

01:33:40.000 Real talk! 1.00

01:33:42.000 Have you heard Real Talk?

01:33:43.000 I heard it a long time ago.

01:33:45.000 Maybe the greatest song humanity's ever done.

01:33:47.000 Well, the whole video series.

01:33:48.000 Everything amazing.

01:33:49.000 Oh, The Trap in the Closet?

01:33:50.000 You're thinking of The Trap in the Closet.

01:33:52.000 Yeah.

01:33:53.000 Trapped in the Closet was pretty deep.

01:33:54.000 I wonder if Real Talk was the other thing.

01:33:56.000 Real Talk was one song.

01:33:58.000 It was one song and one music video.

01:34:00.000 What happened to R. Kelly?

01:34:01.000 So he went a little crazy too, then came back?

01:34:02.000 Shh! 0.97

01:34:06.000 I didn't do anything, man.

01:34:08.000 Nothing happened. 0.95

01:34:09.000 Peed on a girl. 0.94

01:34:10.000 A girl's like 14. R. Kelly has 40 more chapters of trapped in the closet planned.

01:34:25.000 He's amazing.

01:34:25.000 I hope he never dies.

01:34:27.000 Wow. 0.50

01:34:27.000 I really hope he lives forever. 0.50

01:34:29.000 He might be my favorite person ever.

01:34:32.000 Real talk!

01:34:33.000 There's a specific kind of crazy that's famous crazy.

01:34:35.000 Yeah. 0.93

01:34:36.000 Where it's like no one will ever tell you, don't be this crazy. 0.65

01:34:39.000 Let's be honest. 1.00

01:34:40.000 It's also black famous crazy. 1.00

01:34:41.000 Black famous crazy? 1.00

01:34:42.000 You couldn't pull that off if you're a white guy. 1.00

01:34:44.000 You can't wear a clock around your neck and act like it's normal. 0.99

01:34:48.000 Black guys can pull off way more extravagance. 1.00

01:34:51.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:34:52.000 You know, like, this isn't racist.

01:34:54.000 I'm just being real with you people.

01:34:56.000 Says the guy with the sumo sword on his desk.

01:34:58.000 Somebody give it to me.

01:34:59.000 Samurai sword. 1.00

01:35:00.000 Sumos don't have sword, you fucking racist. 1.00

01:35:02.000 How dare you misappropriate culture. 1.00

01:35:05.000 Oh my god, you're a terrible person. 1.00

01:35:06.000 I always knew you were a racist. 1.00

01:35:08.000 You hide behind the fact that you're a Jew. 0.99

01:35:11.000 Oh, I'm so persecuted. 0.99

01:35:12.000 Let me be racist.

01:35:15.000 Sumo and samurai.

01:35:16.000 Sumo.

01:35:17.000 What's sumo?

01:35:18.000 Oh, the fat guys throwing each other?

01:35:19.000 Oh, they got swords. 0.95

01:35:21.000 They should get swords.

01:35:22.000 Oh my god, you're right.

01:35:23.000 It would change the game in sumos.

01:35:24.000 You might have just made sumo amazing.

01:35:26.000 Made it relevant again.

01:35:27.000 The most amazing thing ever.

01:35:29.000 Yeah.

01:35:29.000 Just watching guys go to war.

01:35:31.000 Okay, how about this? 0.94

01:35:32.000 Fat guys going to war. 0.99

01:35:32.000 You're not allowed to stab through the body. 0.99

01:35:34.000 But you can hack them apart.

01:35:36.000 So guys would just be covered with scars.

01:35:38.000 Oh, the fat would be pouring out when they get sliced open. 0.69

01:35:41.000 Spilling.

01:35:42.000 Dude, you don't have to give them shields. 1.00

01:35:44.000 No, fuck them. 1.00

01:35:45.000 No, their bellies are their shields. 1.00

01:35:48.000 Can you at least make it like dull swords?

01:35:49.000 How about no swords?

01:35:51.000 Okay, what if you were playing with lightsabers, but the lightsabers just shocked you?

01:36:01.000 Oh, but like a heavy shock.

01:36:03.000 Yeah, like a taser.

01:36:05.000 Right.

01:36:06.000 Like a Jason Ellis type shock.

01:36:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:08.000 That level, but with lightsabers.

01:36:10.000 Yeah, imagine if that was a sport. 0.94

01:36:12.000 Oh my god, I might have just invented the perfect sport.

01:36:14.000 By the way, Jason Ellis, run with this.

01:36:18.000 Yeah, go for it, dude.

01:36:19.000 For real, I'll give it to you.

01:36:21.000 I'll even help.

01:36:23.000 Do they have lightsaber tasers?

01:36:24.000 They should.

01:36:25.000 Why don't they? 1.00

01:36:26.000 If they don't, they're retarded. 1.00

01:36:28.000 Dude, if I was a girl and a rapist came to me and I had a taser, I'd be like, oh, fuck. 1.00

01:36:32.000 But if I had a taser lightsaber, I'd be like, you're probably not going to continue with this, right? 1.00

01:36:36.000 You're going to get fucked up. 0.99

01:36:36.000 You're going to get out of here. 0.99

01:36:37.000 Yeah.

01:36:38.000 Yeah, anyone can touch you with something, like a lightsaber.

01:36:43.000 Like, they might be able to, well, depends on who you are, obviously.

01:36:46.000 Like, if you're Steven Seagal, he'll figure it out.

01:36:48.000 He'll be able to block it and flip you.

01:36:50.000 You never touch him with it.

01:36:51.000 Any part of you touches it, it shocks you.

01:36:53.000 Yeah, you'd have to just touch their feet.

01:36:55.000 Like, fake, you're going low, go high.

01:36:57.000 They couldn't block at all.

01:36:59.000 Any sort of block at it would be shocked. 0.99

01:37:00.000 Well, anybody who knows fencing, for sure, they would fuck you up. 0.99

01:37:03.000 Like, fencers would be the most dangerous people ever. 0.99

01:37:05.000 On Earth.

01:37:06.000 Well, imagine if you had one, and it was small, and you could press a button like you do with a lightsaber, and a rod extends.

01:37:12.000 Yeah.

01:37:12.000 Like a metal rod.

01:37:13.000 Because they have those things, like those batons.

01:37:15.000 Oh, yeah.

01:37:16.000 You press a button, and it becomes a steel baton.

01:37:19.000 Taser rod.

01:37:20.000 Yeah, dude.

01:37:21.000 Wow.

01:37:22.000 What are we, 12?

01:37:24.000 What's wrong with us?

01:37:24.000 We're grown men.

01:37:25.000 We pay taxes.

01:37:27.000 So you would press a button and it would just become electrified.

01:37:32.000 Yeah, that totally seems like it would be a real thing.

01:37:35.000 Wow.

01:37:36.000 Yeah, they probably have that in development, right?

01:37:38.000 How did they not?

01:37:39.000 If they don't, they do now.

01:37:41.000 That Batman should have that. 0.99

01:37:43.000 Fuck yeah, you should have that. 1.00

01:37:44.000 Superman will still fuck him up. 1.00

01:37:46.000 That's why this movie's stupid. 1.00

01:37:47.000 I don't care what anybody says. 1.00

01:37:49.000 Oh, Superman, Batman's just gonna put kryptonite all over his body. 1.00

01:37:54.000 Superman's gonna go and make the world spin backwards so that Batman doesn't get the fucking kryptonite suit, dummy. 0.99

01:38:01.000 He can make the world spin backwards. 0.99

01:38:03.000 All he has to do is stay like a hundred feet away from Batman.

01:38:06.000 He could find out when he got the kryptonite and just keep spinning backwards until it was like a month ago.

01:38:09.000 He would just pick up cars and throw them at Batman until he died.

01:38:13.000 Just stop.

01:38:14.000 Well, he's not trying to kill him because he's all good.

01:38:16.000 But if he wanted to, he could.

01:38:19.000 That's the idea, right?

01:38:20.000 Everybody says, you don't get it, bro.

01:38:22.000 Batman's evil.

01:38:23.000 That's why he always wins. 1.00

01:38:25.000 Listen, bitch. 1.00

01:38:26.000 Batman ain't evil. 1.00

01:38:27.000 Listen, bitch. 1.00

01:38:28.000 Even if he's evil, the other guy's bulletproof. 1.00

01:38:31.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:38:33.000 He's an alien. 1.00

01:38:35.000 Dude, do you remember when we were saying...

01:38:37.000 People just get angry right now. 0.99

01:38:40.000 What if you don't even fucking understand comic books? 0.99

01:38:42.000 When I did an Instagram post about that, oh my god, people were so mad at me. 0.99

01:38:46.000 People got mad.

01:38:46.000 Why are you taking the Fear Factor guy seriously?

01:38:49.000 Why are you taking me seriously?

01:38:50.000 You don't even know about comic books.

01:38:51.000 Yeah, that's right.

01:38:52.000 I don't know about the subject that you just said I don't know about.

01:38:54.000 I barely, barely know something about comic books.

01:38:59.000 Dude, those previews for Star Wars, all the superhero movies were exactly the same.

01:39:04.000 Yeah.

01:39:05.000 They don't look good.

01:39:06.000 We gotta pull power back.

01:39:07.000 You guys gotta check in.

01:39:09.000 We gotta know about your powers.

01:39:11.000 The government gets mad.

01:39:12.000 Other superheroes are like, I'll help pull their powers back.

01:39:16.000 Superhero fight.

01:39:18.000 It was more than one preview, right?

01:39:21.000 In Star Wars, was that same movie.

01:39:23.000 The last Avengers felt really stale.

01:39:25.000 Really?

01:39:26.000 Yeah, because I saw it right after the Machina, what is it?

01:39:31.000 Ex Machina.

01:39:32.000 Ex Machina, which was excellent.

01:39:35.000 If you haven't seen Ex Machina, it's a movie about artificial intelligence, and it is brilliant.

01:39:40.000 Beautiful.

01:39:41.000 It is a perfect movie.

01:39:43.000 I wouldn't change a thing about that movie.

01:39:45.000 Really?

01:39:45.000 That movie was so good.

01:39:47.000 The ending wasn't boring and long?

01:39:48.000 No, no, no, no, no.

01:39:51.000 That movie was amazing.

01:39:53.000 That movie was like, whoa. 0.94

01:39:55.000 Because the reality of these things, of this artificial intelligence this guy had created, was fucking feasible. 0.88

01:40:02.000 Really? 0.84

01:40:02.000 Yeah, it was good. 0.84

01:40:03.000 It's really good.

01:40:05.000 The drama's good.

01:40:06.000 The whole thing is good.

01:40:07.000 It's just so good.

01:40:08.000 And then after that, I went to see The Avengers. 1.00

01:40:10.000 I was like, this is so stupid. 1.00

01:40:12.000 I'm like, this movie's so dumb. 1.00

01:40:14.000 It's just like I'm watching the Dukes of Hazzard take place with superheroes. 0.99

01:40:19.000 It's just like it didn't mean anything.

01:40:21.000 Like, Ex Machina, everything meant something.

01:40:24.000 Like, these people, their interactions, their interactions felt real...

01:40:29.000 There's some real palpable tension.

01:40:32.000 There's like real danger.

01:40:34.000 They're being played by these artificial creatures that they've created that look exactly like people.

01:40:40.000 It's good, man.

01:40:41.000 It's good.

01:40:42.000 That's why Star Wars to me was like, whatever.

01:40:44.000 I love Star Wars.

01:40:45.000 It was just like a B-minus fun movie.

01:40:48.000 A-plus.

01:40:49.000 A-plus.

01:40:50.000 There's no real characters.

01:40:51.000 Five stars. 0.99

01:40:52.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:40:52.000 I'll go ten times. 1.00

01:40:54.000 I loved it.

01:40:54.000 I did love it, man.

01:40:56.000 I have, I think, almost the exact opposite taste in movies as you.

01:41:00.000 And a lot of music, too. 0.99

01:41:02.000 You like a sucky, sucky selection of music. 0.93

01:41:05.000 You like a lot of the chick rock that I like. 0.98

01:41:08.000 You're just quiet about it.

01:41:11.000 Don't tell anybody that I'm blessing Nelly Furtado.

01:41:14.000 Bro, bro.

01:41:15.000 I like a little Nelly.

01:41:16.000 She's got a beautiful voice.

01:41:21.000 When I mentioned Lana Duret and you were like, who was that girl you were talking about before?

01:41:26.000 Dude, I picked up Eddie Bravo once and this girl that he was dating way back in the day and I had Sheryl Crow playing in my truck and she's like, why are you playing this?

01:41:41.000 I loved it.

01:41:42.000 I'm like, this is mine.

01:41:43.000 This is mine.

01:41:44.000 She goes, no, it's not.

01:41:45.000 I go, yeah, it's a CD. I got the CD. She's like, no, you do not listen to this music.

01:41:50.000 I'm like, but I do.

01:41:51.000 So I don't know where we're going with this.

01:41:55.000 Never spoke to her again.

01:41:56.000 How rude.

01:41:57.000 How rude.

01:41:59.000 Eddie Bravo, bringing these barbarians around. 1.00

01:42:02.000 Yeah, you can't like chick rock, otherwise you're some kind of a pussy. 1.00

01:42:05.000 Yeah, it's weird. 1.00

01:42:05.000 I don't care. 1.00

01:42:06.000 I used to have my CDs alphabetized, and I would have them separated by chick singers and male singers.

01:42:13.000 Have you ever heard of Grace Potter and the Nocturnals?

01:42:16.000 Heard of them, haven't listened to it.

01:42:18.000 Dude, that girl's got a voice. 1.00

01:42:20.000 Well, you know about Alabama Shakes, right? 0.75

01:42:23.000 No.

01:42:23.000 Oh, Joe.

01:42:25.000 Well, let's kiss one person's ass at a time. 1.00

01:42:29.000 They're so much bigger, but yeah, it's Grace Potter. 1.00

01:42:31.000 Yeah, they're pretty massive now.

01:42:33.000 I think she's pretty big, too.

01:42:35.000 We don't know, dude.

01:42:36.000 We're out of the loop.

01:42:37.000 I know Alabama shakes you've heard of. 1.00

01:42:39.000 You don't know shit, bitch. 1.00

01:42:39.000 You don't even have a phone. 1.00

01:42:40.000 You got some fucking 1980 Morris Code thing in your pocket. 0.99

01:42:45.000 It doesn't even vibrate when I get a text now. 0.99

01:42:48.000 Of course it doesn't.

01:42:49.000 If it's in my pocket, I don't even know if people text me.

01:42:52.000 And then five hours later, he's like, where are you?

01:42:53.000 I need this information.

01:42:54.000 I was like, I don't know.

01:42:55.000 I was walking.

01:42:56.000 Oh, God.

01:42:57.000 That's hilarious.

01:42:58.000 Yeah.

01:42:59.000 I got to only vibrate when it rings and that's it.

01:43:01.000 It's the only notification.

01:43:02.000 I went to a clusterfuck when my phone upgraded and went from text messaging to sending iMessages.

01:43:10.000 And then I turned the iMessage off, but then people were still sending me iMessages.

01:43:14.000 And you couldn't get them.

01:43:14.000 And I was getting them on my computer, but I wasn't getting them on my phone.

01:43:17.000 I'm like, this is so stupid! 0.99

01:43:19.000 Like, this system is so goofy! 1.00

01:43:22.000 Like, how do you opt out of this?

01:43:24.000 How do you just...

01:43:24.000 I want everything in one place.

01:43:26.000 I don't need it going everywhere. 0.99

01:43:27.000 I don't need to be getting phone calls on my fucking computer. 0.97

01:43:30.000 When I put my phone over there, I want to be able to get, like, the voicemails later. 0.99

01:43:36.000 I don't want to see it on my computer when I'm working.

01:43:38.000 So what do I have to do?

01:43:39.000 Now I have to disable this, and I go, why is this set there by default?

01:43:43.000 Why is my phone making my computer ring by default? 0.92

01:43:46.000 Can I get some shit done? 0.98

01:43:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:48.000 Goddammit, Ari Shaffir. 0.99

01:43:49.000 Yeah, it's always infringing.

01:43:50.000 It's always infringing on your day.

01:43:52.000 Get into the Borg.

01:43:53.000 Check Twitter.

01:43:54.000 It's been four minutes.

01:43:55.000 Listen.

01:43:55.000 What if there's a new response?

01:43:57.000 The Borg calls you.

01:43:59.000 Ari, your resistance is futile.

01:44:02.000 Independence.

01:44:03.000 Here's my real thing.

01:44:04.000 I think it's going to get better, but I don't think we've developed an etiquette around phones yet.

01:44:07.000 You say that until you have four legs. 0.93

01:44:09.000 Every girl wants to blow you. 1.00

01:44:11.000 Once you get that four-leg upgrade, girls don't even know why. 1.00

01:44:15.000 Something about them.

01:44:16.000 As soon as you get four legs, life looks up.

01:44:21.000 It did get way easier.

01:44:22.000 What's the matter, James?

01:44:22.000 I was going to say, what about the Twitter news of the weekend where they might be changing some free speech stuff?

01:44:30.000 They pulled away verification from...

01:44:32.000 Well, they pulled away Milo Yiannopoulos.

01:44:35.000 They pulled his verification away.

01:44:37.000 Why?

01:44:38.000 They said that...

01:44:39.000 Well, they don't say exactly.

01:44:41.000 They don't say why.

01:44:41.000 Violation of terms of service.

01:44:43.000 So now he's no longer verified?

01:44:45.000 Exactly.

01:44:45.000 But he's still allowed to post.

01:44:47.000 But some posts are saying if it's offensive, they'll delete your account, right?

01:44:50.000 Well, he's not being any more...

01:44:53.000 Look, here's a problem with that guy.

01:44:56.000 And it's not a bad problem.

01:44:57.000 He's funny.

01:44:59.000 And a lot of what he's doing is theater.

01:45:02.000 Like, and if he gets you riled up, especially if he has a point, and I think he has a point with a lot of things he's picking on, he's not dumb.

01:45:09.000 He's very smart.

01:45:10.000 And so, he's getting people riled up, Like a professional troll, who's also a very bright guy who writes some pretty good articles.

01:45:18.000 I would say really good articles.

01:45:19.000 What is his deal?

01:45:20.000 Is he a comedian?

01:45:21.000 He writes for Breitbart.

01:45:22.000 He's hilarious.

01:45:23.000 He's a conservative writer.

01:45:26.000 He's a conservative, I guess, blogger, I guess you would call him.

01:45:29.000 You wouldn't say he's a journalist.

01:45:31.000 He's more of a, you know, he writes editorials.

01:45:32.000 He writes just pieces, right? 0.98

01:45:34.000 But he's also gay. 1.00

01:45:36.000 Like, gay as fuck. 1.00

01:45:37.000 And conservative. 1.00

01:45:38.000 And he goes and debates with these feminists and just crushes them with facts. 0.97

01:45:43.000 And they can't attack him because he's gay. 0.95

01:45:45.000 So he has the touchdown card?

01:45:47.000 Yes!

01:45:48.000 The immunity? 0.99

01:45:48.000 He's got this weird loophole and he knows what the fuck he's talking about. 0.99

01:45:52.000 I mean, I don't agree with him on some things, but he's a very bright guy. 0.99

01:45:56.000 So when he finds someone that he can pick on, especially like he's really into picking on feminists and calling them out on their hypocrisy and picking on people that... 1.00

01:46:06.000 He'll go across the board with anybody if he thinks you're being ridiculous. 0.98

01:46:09.000 And he makes a big deal out of it. 0.97

01:46:12.000 So then what?

01:46:12.000 People got mad at what he was saying?

01:46:14.000 He'll say things to rile people up.

01:46:18.000 He'll say offensive things.

01:46:19.000 But guess what?

01:46:20.000 Block them.

01:46:21.000 I think it's enjoyable.

01:46:23.000 I think it's funny.

01:46:24.000 Twitter becomes weird where it's like you have a bunch of followers who follow you.

01:46:27.000 You say something funny on the offensive side instead of on the cute side.

01:46:32.000 You'll get retweets, if it's on the cute side or offensive side.

01:46:34.000 So now the retweets go to people who don't follow you.

01:46:37.000 And they might not even know who you are. 0.98

01:46:38.000 So then they go like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? 0.99

01:46:41.000 Who's this guy? 0.99

01:46:42.000 You know?

01:46:43.000 And they don't see any context.

01:46:44.000 They don't see it's one out of ten tweets in a row about a subject.

01:46:48.000 So then they see, and then they get mad, and they flag it.

01:46:50.000 And then the people don't know.

01:46:51.000 They're like, I don't know, it's been flagged 7,000 times.

01:46:53.000 I guess people are mad at this guy.

01:46:54.000 We've got to ban him.

01:46:55.000 It's just a terrible road to go down.

01:46:57.000 Yeah.

01:46:57.000 Yeah, if you're doing a series of...

01:47:00.000 Yeah!

01:47:00.000 You show one, and it's like, oh, you're not even looking at the context!

01:47:04.000 Exactly.

01:47:04.000 Yeah, that can definitely happen.

01:47:05.000 So they took away his verify?

01:47:06.000 I actively try to not be verified.

01:47:09.000 But here's what I'm saying. 0.99

01:47:10.000 They fucked up, because now you've made him a martyr. 0.99

01:47:14.000 You're playing right into his spiderweb. 0.99

01:47:16.000 Why is Twitter getting involved?

01:47:18.000 Any level of celebrity, which he seems like he is, if he's a known writer, then...

01:47:21.000 He's a known writer.

01:47:22.000 He's been on my podcast.

01:47:22.000 That's who they want to verify.

01:47:23.000 He was great on the podcast.

01:47:24.000 Really?

01:47:25.000 Yeah, he's hilarious. 0.99

01:47:26.000 He's a nut.

01:47:28.000 You know, like I said, I don't agree with him about a lot of things, but I like what he's doing. 0.77

01:47:33.000 It makes me laugh.

01:47:35.000 What is the difference between what he's doing and what a lot of funny, humorous journalists have done?

01:47:41.000 Well, what about feminists who say something in earnest that I think is offensively wrong anti-free speech? 1.00

01:47:47.000 And it gets me angry.

01:47:48.000 I don't try to get them banned from it.

01:47:50.000 Yeah, I don't mind.

01:47:51.000 But I don't mind because it hasn't affected me.

01:47:53.000 I mind.

01:47:54.000 I just don't want to stop them from saying it.

01:47:56.000 I mean, it hasn't affected me on a professional level.

01:47:58.000 Right, no.

01:47:58.000 And if it has, it's my fault.

01:48:00.000 You know, anything that I've ever been affected by, like if I've made a mistake, it's clearly been my fault.

01:48:06.000 I've made definitely some errors.

01:48:07.000 But I think there's a difference between, like, I think...

01:48:13.000 Tell yourself to make those decisions, not for them to make them for you.

01:48:18.000 Getting back to that guy in Vancouver that had to pay 15 grand, what bothers me about Any interaction between two people, that one person said something rude or who knows what exactly went down, that money starts being a thing that's thrown around.

01:48:36.000 Because then the government gets their piece too, by the way.

01:48:39.000 Oh, right.

01:48:39.000 So they're on the side of like, sure, you should be able to sue.

01:48:42.000 They also get their piece because of their trial.

01:48:45.000 Oh yeah, court costs.

01:48:46.000 Court costs.

01:48:47.000 Everything has to get factored in.

01:48:48.000 I don't know exactly how it works in Canada, but if it was in the United States...

01:48:51.000 Mike Ward is in serious...

01:48:52.000 He's out a lot of money in his own lawyer fees.

01:48:55.000 Because he's fighting it.

01:48:56.000 He has cash.

01:48:58.000 He's like a well-known French-Canadian comic.

01:49:00.000 So he has this whole French-Canadian tour he can do.

01:49:03.000 And which one was he?

01:49:04.000 Mike Ward is the one with...

01:49:07.000 What?

01:49:07.000 You were talking about it earlier.

01:49:08.000 With that kid who had some disease.

01:49:10.000 That's right.

01:49:10.000 Okay.

01:49:11.000 And he made a joke about that.

01:49:12.000 Yeah.

01:49:13.000 Okay.

01:49:13.000 And it was a bit he had.

01:49:15.000 But he's got to pay all his legal fees and try to win this.

01:49:18.000 And he could pay the 80 grand that they're suing him for.

01:49:21.000 But he's like, then it sets such a terrible precedent.

01:49:24.000 So he's just in his own battle on free speech.

01:49:28.000 Saying, I don't want to lose this for what it means. 1.00

01:49:30.000 It's fucked. 1.00

01:49:31.000 I mean, it's... 1.00

01:49:33.000 People are like, fuck him. 1.00

01:49:35.000 Shouldn't have said that joke. 1.00

01:49:35.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

01:49:36.000 Of course he should have. 1.00

01:49:37.000 He got laughs.

01:49:37.000 A bunch of laughs.

01:49:38.000 He said it enough times where there's a winning bit in his act.

01:49:41.000 Yeah.

01:49:41.000 And you can't decide that.

01:49:43.000 You can't take...

01:49:44.000 Well, obviously they can.

01:49:45.000 But you shouldn't be able to take money away from people like that.

01:49:50.000 Yeah.

01:49:51.000 I mean, you might want to say you don't want to ever go to one of his shows again.

01:49:53.000 Yeah, there you go.

01:49:54.000 That's what you do.

01:49:55.000 Let the market decide.

01:49:56.000 I'm not going to Chick-fil-A. The guy supports, you know, anti-gay stuff. 0.74

01:49:59.000 Okay, there you go.

01:50:00.000 That's how you speak, with your own dollar.

01:50:01.000 Exactly.

01:50:02.000 Let the market decide.

01:50:04.000 Yeah.

01:50:04.000 You know, I think that's the appropriate way to handle it.

01:50:07.000 I see fucking directors. 0.99

01:50:08.000 That guy... 1.00

01:50:10.000 Who did Pan's Labyrinth?

01:50:12.000 Guillermo del Toro. 0.99

01:50:13.000 Yeah, he's garbage now. 0.99

01:50:14.000 How dare you? 1.00

01:50:15.000 Who the fuck are you? 1.00

01:50:17.000 What have you done with our fear? 1.00

01:50:19.000 He used to be cool, but now it's fucking awful, and he's gone sour. 0.95

01:50:23.000 So then it's like, I just won't watch him anymore. 0.97

01:50:25.000 But of course, go make whatever you want to make.

01:50:29.000 Well, I wouldn't say he went sour.

01:50:31.000 I still like his stuff.

01:50:33.000 You liked The Hobbit that he wrote?

01:50:35.000 Did you like that last movie?

01:50:36.000 You didn't like it?

01:50:37.000 That last movie?

01:50:38.000 You didn't like it?

01:50:38.000 It looked like it was an acting class thing.

01:50:40.000 Was it?

01:50:40.000 It was just like there was no acting.

01:50:42.000 How high were you?

01:50:42.000 The cabin thing.

01:50:44.000 Who was higher?

01:50:45.000 You think you were the main one to see it?

01:50:48.000 I mean, I was probably pretty high.

01:50:50.000 But, God, it was such terrible acting and no plot and just like, wait, wait, wait, I'll show you some special effects in a little.

01:50:56.000 Did you yell out?

01:50:58.000 No, but I did leave.

01:50:59.000 Did you?

01:51:00.000 I left quietly.

01:51:00.000 Wow.

01:51:01.000 Me and the girl I was with, eventually, we were like, it was like we both realized we were both wanting to leave for about 25 minutes.

01:51:06.000 And then it was like, yeah, let's just go.

01:51:07.000 Maybe we just want to get your freak on.

01:51:11.000 You like that movie?

01:51:12.000 That new movie you made?

01:51:13.000 Loved it!

01:51:13.000 Did you really?

01:51:14.000 Dude, you have...

01:51:15.000 I can't...

01:51:17.000 I'm not even going to bring up the American side because I'm afraid of what you're going to say.

01:51:21.000 No, no.

01:51:21.000 Let's bring that up.

01:51:22.000 Let's bring that up.

01:51:23.000 Because I saw it.

01:51:24.000 So tell me you didn't like it.

01:51:26.000 It wasn't a good movie.

01:51:27.000 It wasn't a good movie!

01:51:28.000 It wasn't a good movie.

01:51:29.000 This is the thing.

01:51:30.000 No character development.

01:51:32.000 Exactly.

01:51:33.000 I never got to like him, so now he's having trouble sniping, suddenly it's good again?

01:51:36.000 Why is this scene in there?

01:51:38.000 The subject matter is highly charged and very, very sensitive to people.

01:51:42.000 So, anything that's thought of in disrespect of Chris Kyle, people automatically get up in arms for.

01:51:50.000 I completely understand.

01:51:51.000 They start talking about his book, and I'm like, I don't know.

01:51:52.000 I didn't read any of that. 0.99

01:51:53.000 I saw this fucking awful movie. 0.97

01:51:55.000 Yeah, I completely understand people's position in respecting him as a guy who kept people safe over there. 0.99

01:52:01.000 I understand where they're coming from.

01:52:03.000 Okay, but why is he on the phone with his wife in half the movie when he's in battle?

01:52:06.000 He's very angry.

01:52:06.000 What I was going to say is it's just not well done.

01:52:09.000 No, it's not well done.

01:52:10.000 It's not.

01:52:11.000 It's just not that well done.

01:52:13.000 I mean, this is my opinion.

01:52:14.000 I just felt like it was flat.

01:52:16.000 And this is like, here's a good comparison.

01:52:18.000 I hate to beat a dead horse, but...

01:52:21.000 Ex Machina.

01:52:22.000 Watch Ex Machina and watch that movie, and there's a way that it's shot.

01:52:26.000 There's a way the story's told.

01:52:27.000 That story is a very compelling story.

01:52:30.000 It's kind of a crazy story.

01:52:31.000 Black Hawk Down was a good movie. 0.97

01:52:33.000 That was like, wow, gripping and fucking exciting. 0.96

01:52:35.000 Yes, exactly. 0.97

01:52:36.000 And the Chris Kyle story, you know, would have been fucking really fascinating.

01:52:39.000 Steven Private Ryan was great.

01:52:40.000 How about tell the truth about Chris Kyle's life?

01:52:44.000 Towards the end, where he was involved in that Jesse Ventura thing, which is really kind of crazy, where he's making up a story about a fight with Jesse Ventura that never happened.

01:52:54.000 So Jesse Ventura sued him and won, and then after he won, Chris Kyle got killed, and Jesse Ventura got all these death threats because he wanted to continue with the case.

01:53:04.000 He sued a hero.

01:53:04.000 He wasn't that much of a hero before he died.

01:53:06.000 He was just some guy who was lying about me.

01:53:09.000 Well, I think you can be both.

01:53:11.000 Yeah, yeah, sure.

01:53:12.000 This is where things get really confusing. 0.99

01:53:14.000 Michael Jackson raped boys. 0.98

01:53:15.000 I don't think he did. 1.00

01:53:17.000 I think he just jerked off in front of him and shit. 1.00

01:53:19.000 Stuff like that. 1.00

01:53:20.000 Yeah.

01:53:20.000 Yeah, maybe Ray.

01:53:21.000 If he was raping him, I just feel like that would have got out. 0.92

01:53:24.000 Yeah, maybe Ray. 0.99

01:53:26.000 I think he was just doing shit that you shouldn't be able to. 1.00

01:53:28.000 No, I bet it was weird color parties and maybe stroking them, but not the orgasm. 1.00

01:53:31.000 Definitely some inappropriate boners. 0.99

01:53:33.000 If he could get one, he got one.

01:53:35.000 I mean, during that time period.

01:53:37.000 It's not my fault.

01:53:38.000 I'm turned on. 1.00

01:53:39.000 I mean, he's got to find time to jerk off unless he's only jerking off in the shower. 0.99

01:53:43.000 It's not like I'm touching it. 0.99

01:53:44.000 It's all what happens.

01:53:45.000 They're over the house all the time, and they're sitting in his lap, and, you know, there's blood there, sensitive tissue. 0.99

01:53:50.000 Look how they're playing video games with their asses in the air. 0.98

01:53:52.000 It's not his fault. 0.99

01:53:53.000 That's not my fault.

01:53:54.000 I didn't tell him to sit like that.

01:53:55.000 I mean, it's just love.

01:53:57.000 It's Super Mario Kart.

01:53:58.000 Everyone's so sensitive.

01:53:59.000 It's just love.

01:54:00.000 God.

01:54:01.000 The world could just be beautiful again.

01:54:03.000 Super Mario Kart, but listen to Beat It.

01:54:05.000 Exactly.

01:54:07.000 Remember that?

01:54:08.000 Oh, yeah, good times.

01:54:09.000 I'm going in the room with Macaulay.

01:54:11.000 Hmm.

01:54:14.000 Anyway, what happened?

01:54:15.000 I don't know how we got on that.

01:54:16.000 How did we get on that?

01:54:17.000 I just went with it.

01:54:19.000 We were talking about somebody else before that.

01:54:20.000 You can be two things at once.

01:54:22.000 Yeah, you can be two things at once.

01:54:23.000 It doesn't mean he wasn't a hero.

01:54:24.000 You can be an artist and a douche.

01:54:25.000 To those people that he saved.

01:54:26.000 Yeah.

01:54:27.000 Well, think about what he did, all right?

01:54:28.000 He was a great sniper.

01:54:30.000 Right.

01:54:30.000 I guess.

01:54:31.000 He saved American citizens that were over there fighting in the war against other people that were fighting against American citizens.

01:54:38.000 The way they had- Hold on a second.

01:54:40.000 Draw your conclusion about who's right or who's wrong.

01:54:43.000 Get that out of your head.

01:54:44.000 And he was trying to protect his friends, right?

01:54:46.000 So whether or not you think that he should be on this team or that team or this team's bad and that team's good, put all that aside.

01:54:51.000 He kept a bunch of people alive.

01:54:53.000 Those people came back.

01:54:54.000 Whether or not you think they should come back, whether or not you think they should ever have been there in the first place, he definitely helped.

01:55:02.000 But if this movie is about a French sniper or about a sniper in a world that doesn't exist, you wouldn't like the movie.

01:55:07.000 Yeah, it's not a good movie.

01:55:08.000 The longest shot he ever took was like 2,000 yards.

01:55:12.000 I don't remember the numbers anymore.

01:55:13.000 And then he heard so-and-so, Mustafa, was getting shots that long.

01:55:18.000 He's like, it's possible I've shot that, but that's the longest I've ever shot.

01:55:21.000 And then when he shoots him at the end, it's twice as far as the longest shot he's ever heard of.

01:55:26.000 He can't even see the guy.

01:55:27.000 You just see a blur, and he goes, I know it's him.

01:55:29.000 It must be.

01:55:30.000 I have a feeling.

01:55:31.000 And then he goes, yep, got him.

01:55:33.000 You can't even see him!

01:55:35.000 How do you know you made the twice as long as any shot that's ever been recorded without being able to see it?

01:55:40.000 You just know you made it?

01:55:42.000 Yeah, you need a spotting scope for 200 yards.

01:55:45.000 You know, people look at a target that's 200 yards away. 0.98

01:55:48.000 It was garbage.

01:55:48.000 You look at a spotting scope to see where you're hitting on the target.

01:55:51.000 Because it's not that good to see how the scope... 0.99

01:55:54.000 A rifle fucking scope from 200 yards, which is nothing. 0.99

01:55:57.000 It's only two football fields. 1.00

01:56:00.000 It was just bad.

01:56:02.000 Here's the question, though.

01:56:03.000 What?

01:56:04.000 Is it also a factor of you're telling a real person's story with as little variation from the truth as possible over an acceptable period of time, a two-hour movie or whatever it is?

01:56:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:56:16.000 It's fucking hard to do. 0.97

01:56:17.000 Sure, but they didn't do a good job of it. 0.99

01:56:19.000 They did a terrible job of it.

01:56:20.000 But it would have been incredibly difficult to do, even if they did a great job of it.

01:56:24.000 Okay, and let's just back up a second.

01:56:26.000 Best actor?

01:56:28.000 Yeah, that's not real.

01:56:29.000 I mean, come on.

01:56:30.000 He looked like you could tell when he was doing lines.

01:56:32.000 He had a rubber baby, and I knew the baby was rubber.

01:56:35.000 Yeah, forget the rubber baby, obviously.

01:56:36.000 But he's moving the rubber baby with his finger.

01:56:37.000 With his thumb. 1.00

01:56:38.000 You can go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:56:39.000 Okay, I'm not a kid. 1.00

01:56:40.000 What are you doing?

01:56:41.000 A magic trick that I can see?

01:56:42.000 Hey, watch.

01:56:43.000 I'm going to stick this thing to my hand.

01:56:45.000 You're shoving it into your wrist at the same time.

01:56:49.000 Look, my thumb's coming apart.

01:56:50.000 It's bulging in your shirt. 0.99

01:56:52.000 With the fucking hanky still sticking out a little bit. 1.00

01:56:56.000 God. 0.99

01:56:56.000 I mean, even the beginning when he finds his girlfriend in the bed with another guy and throws her out and they're having that talk and he's drinking a beer. 0.99

01:57:02.000 It's like, dude, this is acting.

01:57:03.000 You're not even a real person.

01:57:04.000 This is acting class.

01:57:05.000 I can see you doing lines.

01:57:07.000 He's not a real person.

01:57:08.000 He's behaving in this incredible, exemplary way like a hero.

01:57:12.000 He's impressive.

01:57:13.000 He's a beautiful hero.

01:57:14.000 He's a perfect hero, and we can't believe he's gone.

01:57:17.000 I mean, that's what he is.

01:57:17.000 He's a hero.

01:57:18.000 He's not a real guy drunk having a fight with his girl.

01:57:21.000 And he stands up, and they're like, you just tell the directors in the background, feel it more.

01:57:25.000 Feel it more.

01:57:26.000 Let this hit you.

01:57:27.000 You love America.

01:57:27.000 This is happening to you.

01:57:28.000 Feel it more.

01:57:30.000 Well, it's the problem whenever you try to dramatize anything. 0.97

01:57:33.000 You know that movie, Foxcatcher, is a clusterfuck of lies.

01:57:37.000 Do you know that movie that's based on Mark Schultz and David Schultz?

01:57:40.000 Sort of.

01:57:40.000 Olympic wrestlers?

01:57:41.000 They were very famous American Olympic champion wrestlers.

01:57:46.000 They were both beasts.

01:57:48.000 And there's this crazy guy named John DuPont and John DuPont had a lot of money It's like the DuPont name and he was a crazy man and he wanted to wrestle So he hired all these guys and built this incredible world-class training facility and paid them and these guys were struggling wrestlers They went down there and one of the guys Dave wound up getting murdered by DuPont and it was this crazy story and Steve Carell played him in the movie But the movie although it was a good movie The reality was way off.

01:58:18.000 They changed the timeline of the UFC. They had the UFC existing way before it did.

01:58:26.000 I'm less concerned with that than if it's a movie.

01:58:28.000 Unless they say it's an actual biography.

01:58:32.000 Yeah.

01:58:32.000 You know, I'm less concerned with that than if, like in Narcos, I'm like, yeah, some of this is based on truth, some of this is just like, they didn't know the relationship between this guy and this girl.

01:58:39.000 Yeah, but they didn't have to fake the, that's like historic data.

01:58:42.000 Why did they fake it? 1.00

01:58:43.000 Because they're idiots. 1.00

01:58:43.000 What benefit to this plot? 1.00

01:58:45.000 Somebody thinks they're smarter than everyone who's going to know the truth, which is the dumbest thing to think.

01:58:51.000 You should never think, if you're going to talk about a subject like the UFC, which to a person like you, I know you're a fan, and definitely People know when it starts. 0.98

01:59:00.000 It's offensive as fuck when you try to pretend it started at a different date. 0.96

01:59:03.000 Then, when you watch him watch on television, watch Big Daddy Goodrich fight, but then when he fights in the movie, he fights some white Russian guy. 1.00

01:59:11.000 Bullshit. 1.00

01:59:11.000 He fought Big Daddy Goodrich. 1.00

01:59:13.000 Mark Schultz fought Big Daddy Goodrich.

01:59:15.000 I watched it. 1.00

01:59:16.000 He beat his ass. 1.00

01:59:17.000 He took him down at will. 0.99

01:59:18.000 And I remember watching it going, Jesus Christ, this is what happens when you get elite Olympic gold medalist, world champion wrestlers. 0.98

01:59:25.000 I was thinking to myself, who the fuck is going to keep that guy off of him? 0.94

01:59:28.000 That guy could have been a world champion, for sure. 0.99

01:59:31.000 Nobody would have been able to stop it.

01:59:32.000 But he predated the UFC? No, he was in the UFC. He fought Big Daddy Goodrich in the UFC. But there was no money back then.

01:59:37.000 And he had a gig with, he was teaching wrestling at a college.

01:59:41.000 Not paid more?

01:59:42.000 Well, it was a coach.

01:59:43.000 He's a wrestling coach.

01:59:45.000 Like a university gig.

01:59:46.000 I mean, he's a really respected wrestler.

01:59:47.000 And they didn't want him cage fighting.

01:59:49.000 So they told him, like, this is it.

01:59:51.000 Like, you have to make a decision.

01:59:52.000 So he had to go with the obvious job.

01:59:54.000 Because there was no money in the UFC back then. 0.94

01:59:56.000 It was fucking really dangerous, but... 0.91

01:59:58.000 They changed it to the movie. 0.98

02:00:00.000 In the movie, they had him fighting in some unknown organization.

02:00:02.000 It wasn't the UFC. And the guy was a white Russian guy who was fighting.

02:00:05.000 Why would you change that?

02:00:06.000 Let me ask you a question.

02:00:07.000 Could this be the reason they changed it?

02:00:09.000 Because what the UFC means right now is this massive thing.

02:00:13.000 So they go, well, viewers, if they saw this, they'd be like, yeah, UFC, that's really big.

02:00:16.000 How could you give up UFC? Where you're like, no, no, you need to be in the place back then of this was just a rogue thing.

02:00:22.000 People just did it to mix.

02:00:24.000 You know what I mean?

02:00:25.000 I see what you're saying.

02:00:26.000 Like when they have cursing in Deadwood, it's like, yeah, they didn't have that then, but you're not going to understand the cursing they actually had.

02:00:32.000 Did they have cursing back then? 0.97

02:00:33.000 They had like Rapscallion and shit. 0.98

02:00:35.000 And so it wouldn't hit as hard as it hit back then. 1.00

02:00:37.000 You Rapscallion! 0.93

02:00:38.000 Yeah.

02:00:39.000 So they had to change the reality to make it the feeling of the reality.

02:00:42.000 Could you imagine if you were doing a comedy show in the Wild West and someone tried to heckle you? 0.99

02:00:47.000 What kind of fucking damage you could do to that guy? 0.99

02:00:49.000 What kind of damage you could do to him? 1.00

02:00:51.000 Oh, with the cursing I have now?

02:00:52.000 Yeah.

02:00:52.000 Rex Scallion.

02:00:54.000 You're a cunt. 1.00

02:00:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:00:55.000 You fucking bitch. 1.00

02:00:57.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:00:57.000 You're angry. 1.00

02:00:58.000 Get out of here, fuckboy. 1.00

02:00:59.000 You're angry, and it's not even a real person we're talking about. 1.00

02:01:01.000 I'm thinking about it.

02:01:01.000 God, you're all worked up, man.

02:01:03.000 Fucking peashooter motherfucker. 1.00

02:01:05.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:01:06.000 Beat it! 1.00

02:01:07.000 Rusty stirrup cunt. 1.00

02:01:09.000 And then he brings you in front of the tribunal and you have to give up three pieces of gold. 0.99

02:01:13.000 Chicken. 1.00

02:01:14.000 You fucked up. 1.00

02:01:14.000 Three pieces of gold. 1.00

02:01:17.000 Gold, Shafir! 0.91

02:01:18.000 What is gonna happen, man?

02:01:19.000 Are we gonna go Bitcoin, you think?

02:01:20.000 I gotta get Antonopoulos back on.

02:01:22.000 It's been a while.

02:01:23.000 I don't know.

02:01:23.000 He'll probably tell me again.

02:01:24.000 I'll believe him again.

02:01:26.000 By the time I come back here in two years...

02:01:28.000 I don't know how to spend Bitcoin.

02:01:30.000 How to spin it?

02:01:31.000 Spend it.

02:01:32.000 Spend it?

02:01:32.000 Hmm.

02:01:33.000 That's a problem if you don't know how to spend your money.

02:01:35.000 You should probably look into it. 0.98

02:01:36.000 But if you don't have this ancient fucking phone, you have to be plugged into your laptop with some sort of Ethernet cable, don't you? 1.00

02:01:42.000 You got some 1970s laptop, too, don't you, you fuck? 1.00

02:01:45.000 No! 1.00

02:01:45.000 I have a MacBook Pro! 1.00

02:01:48.000 That doesn't even have a USB port, does it?

02:01:50.000 Which one doesn't have a USB port?

02:01:51.000 No, they do.

02:01:52.000 Dude, they have one that doesn't.

02:01:53.000 They don't have CD drives anymore.

02:01:55.000 No, one of them doesn't even have a USB port.

02:01:57.000 There's a real skinny one.

02:01:59.000 Oh, the Air.

02:01:59.000 No, it's not even the Air.

02:02:01.000 It's not the Air. 1.00

02:02:04.000 Google that shit, son. 1.00

02:02:06.000 iPads don't have them, I know that. 1.00

02:02:07.000 Yeah, iPads don't have them.

02:02:08.000 USB ports?

02:02:09.000 Which one's the USB port?

02:02:10.000 USB is where you would plug things in.

02:02:12.000 You know, like if you were trying to sync your phone up to it or something.

02:02:16.000 You'd plug your phone in by USB. Or if you want to save something on a drive.

02:02:20.000 Oh, they didn't have the USB port? 0.99

02:02:21.000 How do you charge your shit? 0.99

02:02:22.000 They don't even have the USB port. 1.00

02:02:22.000 No, it has a little battery thing. 1.00

02:02:24.000 No, I don't have to charge your phone.

02:02:25.000 You don't. 1.00

02:02:26.000 Don't with your fucking laptop. 1.00

02:02:28.000 Maybe it can't handle it. 1.00

02:02:29.000 Maybe it can't handle the power draw because it's so thin.

02:02:32.000 Like it only exists like as something that you can store things in the cloud.

02:02:36.000 Yeah.

02:02:37.000 Which is where they're trying to sneak you.

02:02:39.000 They're trying to bring you.

02:02:40.000 Bless you.

02:02:41.000 Do you still accept bless you even though you're not religious anymore?

02:02:44.000 Or did I just defend your sensibility?

02:02:45.000 Did I trigger you in any way?

02:02:46.000 You hurt me.

02:02:47.000 You hurt me and I don't...

02:02:48.000 It's not inclusive.

02:02:49.000 What's your correct gender pronouns for today?

02:02:52.000 I am a...

02:02:55.000 He today?

02:02:56.000 I'm going by He. 0.98

02:02:57.000 I go by He every day.

02:02:59.000 I'm going to try Z out for a while. 0.91

02:03:01.000 Z? Z. Z-H-E-E. What is that?

02:03:03.000 Is that a new one?

02:03:04.000 Gender neutral.

02:03:07.000 Oh, it's kind of like she-he? 0.99

02:03:07.000 You can be whoever you want. 0.99

02:03:09.000 Z-H-E-E. I'm just Ari.

02:03:10.000 Oh.

02:03:11.000 Why does it have to be my gender?

02:03:12.000 Exactly!

02:03:12.000 Why do you have to say mister?

02:03:14.000 What are we, formal?

02:03:15.000 Huh? 0.98

02:03:15.000 Am I fucking checking into a hotel? 0.98

02:03:17.000 I love that misappropriation of words they're using. 0.99

02:03:18.000 It's like, no one has to say that.

02:03:20.000 That's just what they've been saying.

02:03:21.000 I think they, uh, you need to be able to control what people say. 0.98

02:03:24.000 I love when people, like, shit on some sort of stand-up and they go, oh, what is that all you can talk about? 0.96

02:03:28.000 It's like, that's not all they can talk about. 0.99

02:03:30.000 That's one little sentence in this whole bit that's part of a whole special.

02:03:33.000 It's clearly not all they can talk about.

02:03:35.000 Yeah, but if I'm going to make fun of it, that's what I'm going to say.

02:03:38.000 This is all you can talk about, bro. 0.82

02:03:40.000 You, like, dragged me to hell, too, huh? 0.89

02:03:42.000 Loved it. 0.99

02:03:43.000 Me and Red Band went to see Up, and we were so happy, and Rogan and Segura were like, you fucked up, should have seen Drag Me to Hell, and I finally saw it. 0.92

02:03:50.000 I'm like, this movie couldn't even make up its mind, whether it's a comedy or horror. 0.92

02:03:54.000 It's amazing.

02:03:55.000 Perfect.

02:03:55.000 You weren't high enough, and you didn't go see it with me.

02:03:57.000 Come to see it.

02:03:58.000 You, me, and Duncan would see Drag Me to Hell.

02:04:00.000 We would love it.

02:04:02.000 Love it.

02:04:02.000 We would have the best time.

02:04:03.000 Did you ever see Up?

02:04:05.000 Yes.

02:04:05.000 Cartoon?

02:04:06.000 Yeah.

02:04:06.000 I liked Up.

02:04:07.000 Up was good.

02:04:08.000 That's good.

02:04:08.000 It was interesting, but it was sad.

02:04:10.000 It was sad.

02:04:10.000 Those first ten minutes were beautiful.

02:04:12.000 Yeah.

02:04:12.000 It's interesting.

02:04:14.000 You saw what won Best Comedy last night, the Golden Globes?

02:04:16.000 No.

02:04:16.000 The Martian.

02:04:17.000 Oh yeah, how did that work?

02:04:18.000 The Martian won Best Comedy?

02:04:19.000 How does that work?

02:04:20.000 How does The Martian win Best Comedy?

02:04:21.000 It's a comedy or musical category and I don't know how it gets...

02:04:24.000 Why are they still in comedy or musical?

02:04:26.000 That's so offensive to both comedy and musical.

02:04:28.000 That's not a comedy and it's not a musical. 1.00

02:04:30.000 Listen, award shows are stupid. 1.00

02:04:31.000 Just call it Other. 1.00

02:04:32.000 They're stupid. 1.00

02:04:33.000 Wait, how did The Martian win Best Comedy? 1.00

02:04:36.000 They're stupid. 1.00

02:04:37.000 Oh, because he kept it light-hearted sometimes? 1.00

02:04:39.000 Why is one the best? 1.00

02:04:43.000 We've already established, right here, between you and I, the shit I love, that you hate. 0.97

02:04:49.000 But I genuinely love Star Wars. 1.00

02:04:51.000 I walked out of there going, yes, they fucking did it. 0.94

02:04:55.000 I walked out of there like they nailed it. 0.98

02:04:57.000 They upgraded the original movie and made it fit in today and they did it with great acting and a great storyline.

02:05:03.000 It was perfect.

02:05:04.000 It was very Star Wars-esque. 0.99

02:05:06.000 You fucking hated it. 0.99

02:05:07.000 I didn't hate it, but I thought it was like a B. Okay, let's pick. 1.00

02:05:11.000 It was good.

02:05:11.000 It was a fun movie.

02:05:12.000 Tell me some other movies that you've seen recently.

02:05:14.000 So Star Wars.

02:05:15.000 Let's compare.

02:05:16.000 Hateful Eight.

02:05:17.000 No way you saw that.

02:05:18.000 I haven't seen that.

02:05:20.000 I would see that, though.

02:05:21.000 Mad Max.

02:05:21.000 How dare you say that?

02:05:22.000 Mad Max.

02:05:22.000 I enjoyed Mad Max.

02:05:23.000 Yeah, me too.

02:05:24.000 I thought it was really good.

02:05:25.000 Fun chase movie.

02:05:25.000 Yeah, absolutely.

02:05:27.000 You know, Eddie Bravo fucking hated it. 0.99

02:05:29.000 Really? 0.99

02:05:29.000 He hated it. 0.99

02:05:30.000 Eddie Bravo hated it.

02:05:31.000 There was none of those points where I'm like, this wouldn't exist in that world they set up.

02:05:34.000 I'm like, that wouldn't happen.

02:05:36.000 Right.

02:05:36.000 In Star Wars, the world they set up, it's like...

02:05:38.000 Why does she suddenly have Jedi powers with no training? 0.91

02:05:42.000 Well, because there's a thing called editing.

02:05:44.000 There's probably a bunch of scenes that were on the cutting room floor that explain her powers.

02:05:47.000 Spoiler alert at this point in Star Wars.

02:05:49.000 Everyone's seen it.

02:05:50.000 You should really say spoiler alert first. 1.00

02:05:52.000 You really fucked up. 0.99

02:05:55.000 But we're already open. 1.00

02:05:56.000 She just got it a little too fast.

02:05:58.000 And then it's like, well, no, she was the chosen one.

02:06:00.000 Oh, like Luke Skywalker? 0.98

02:06:01.000 Who had to study for a month with a fucking Yoda to get any of his powers? 1.00

02:06:04.000 Well, chicks learn quicker. 1.00

02:06:06.000 And they have.

02:06:06.000 No, chicks don't learn quicker in their world.

02:06:08.000 And they have that if you don't get it as a kid, you're never going to get it.

02:06:11.000 Well, there's a thing called morphic resonance.

02:06:13.000 And they think that as people learn things, it becomes easier for other people to learn things.

02:06:17.000 We all learn together.

02:06:18.000 But she beat up a stormtrooper with it. 0.98

02:06:21.000 She beat up someone who's been studying with the head guy. 0.72

02:06:24.000 She had a guy who's been studying under the main Gracie.

02:06:27.000 And she was like, I just sort of get jujitsu.

02:06:31.000 And I think I can beat this guy who's been studying under the main Gracie.

02:06:35.000 BJ Penn won the world championships three years in. 0.99

02:06:37.000 Weird shit happens, man. 0.95

02:06:38.000 He was training, though. 0.99

02:06:40.000 He wasn't just like, I heard of jits.

02:06:42.000 You know what?

02:06:42.000 You don't realize that she was using the force, but she was probably using it all along.

02:06:47.000 It was a fun movie.

02:06:48.000 You saw First Week, right?

02:06:49.000 What's First Week?

02:06:50.000 The first week or two was out.

02:06:52.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:53.000 See, at that point, it was the same as the other movie when it came out, episode one, where everyone's like, me too. 0.99

02:06:57.000 We're like, fuck yes.

02:06:58.000 This is way better than those, but it was not as good as people were remembering. 0.99

02:07:01.000 How dare you?

02:07:02.000 Were you in a theater where they clapped when they saw the Millennium Falcon?

02:07:05.000 I clapped.

02:07:06.000 Yeah, all right.

02:07:07.000 I almost cried.

02:07:07.000 That was a brainwash week.

02:07:08.000 I almost cried.

02:07:09.000 I know.

02:07:11.000 Oh, I hope they do the other thing that they've already done in episode four.

02:07:14.000 When Han Solo showed up, my heart filled with joy.

02:07:16.000 Oh, I like that.

02:07:17.000 That was fun.

02:07:18.000 I like that a lot.

02:07:19.000 That was great with Chewie and, like, we're home. 1.00

02:07:20.000 Like, fuck yes. 1.00

02:07:22.000 I like that a lot. 1.00

02:07:23.000 They fucked up in that regard, right? 0.99

02:07:25.000 What? 0.99

02:07:25.000 Spoiler alert. 0.99

02:07:26.000 No, there's no spoiler alerts anymore.

02:07:27.000 Shh, then you say it.

02:07:28.000 They had their chance.

02:07:29.000 I'm not saying it.

02:07:29.000 It's been a month.

02:07:30.000 Don't say it.

02:07:31.000 What if people, like, fast-forwarded and they get to the part where we say Han Solo got killed?

02:07:34.000 Dude, there is a guy that I saw a picture of, and somebody's...

02:07:38.000 You know those things you can put in the back of your truck?

02:07:40.000 Yeah.

02:07:41.000 Like the Smith family?

02:07:42.000 Right.

02:07:43.000 Han Solo dies in The Force Awakens.

02:07:46.000 Oh, my God.

02:07:46.000 How rude.

02:07:47.000 In the Star Wars font.

02:07:48.000 That's so rude.

02:07:49.000 That's really rude.

02:07:50.000 Just driving around.

02:07:51.000 Spoiler alert.

02:07:51.000 It's big.

02:07:52.000 Spoiler alert.

02:07:53.000 Spoiler alert. 0.98

02:07:55.000 Fucking awesome movie, though. 0.98

02:07:56.000 I'm done with these spoiler alerts. 0.99

02:07:56.000 You have a chance right then to get on it, or you're done. 0.99

02:07:59.000 I already knew.

02:08:00.000 I already knew going in to see the movie.

02:08:02.000 It had already been spoiled. 0.96

02:08:04.000 It had already been spoiled for me, but I still enjoyed the fuck out of it. 0.99

02:08:07.000 You knew he was going out there to die. 0.99

02:08:08.000 I knew he was going to die anyway.

02:08:09.000 When he walked out on the platforms, like, what are you doing?

02:08:11.000 Obviously, you're going to... 1.00

02:08:12.000 Shoot him. 1.00

02:08:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:08:14.000 Okay, why don't you shoot your stupid fucking son? 1.00

02:08:16.000 Late-term abortion son, ready to come up. 1.00

02:08:19.000 Worst case scenario, you're one of the coolest guys of all time, loved by millions, and your son just turned out to be evil, went to the dark side.

02:08:26.000 It happens.

02:08:26.000 Oh, by the way, you had a son with Princess Leia.

02:08:28.000 So you get to fuck Princess Leia. 1.00

02:08:29.000 You know what you think? 1.00

02:08:30.000 A match made in heaven.

02:08:31.000 He's a Moon Knight.

02:08:32.000 Super heroic swashbuckler with a giant Bigfoot by his side, and the hot... 1.00

02:08:39.000 Princess, and they get together and fuck, and they make an evil baby that winds up killing daddy. 1.00

02:08:43.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

02:08:44.000 That is bullshit. 1.00

02:08:45.000 How much did it make you laugh when that guy finally took off his Adam Driver, finally took off his helmet, and you're like, what? 1.00

02:08:52.000 There's a beautiful Semitic man behind that mask? 1.00

02:08:56.000 He looked like an awesome magician.

02:08:57.000 Oh my god.

02:08:58.000 There was giggling.

02:09:00.000 Where it's like, what?

02:09:01.000 I like how you describe him as a Semitic man.

02:09:03.000 He's gorgeous, and there's no way those are his parents.

02:09:06.000 He's a gorgeous Jew.

02:09:08.000 Wow.

02:09:09.000 Ari's hot for that guy. 1.00

02:09:10.000 What's his name?

02:09:11.000 Kylo Ren?

02:09:12.000 Is that his name?

02:09:12.000 Kylo Ren.

02:09:13.000 That was dumb. 0.99

02:09:14.000 Jamie, back me up on that. 1.00

02:09:15.000 That was ridiculous. 0.96

02:09:16.000 When he pulls off his helmet, you're like, ooh, who's this evil guy? 0.97

02:09:18.000 Jamie, back you up?

02:09:19.000 I'm right here, bro.

02:09:19.000 I'm not leaving you alone.

02:09:20.000 You didn't think that was dumb? 1.00

02:09:21.000 Oh, it was ridiculous. 1.00

02:09:22.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:09:22.000 It's perfect hair. 0.93

02:09:23.000 How does your hair stay perfect under that?

02:09:25.000 Why isn't it sweaty?

02:09:26.000 There'd be no hat hair?

02:09:27.000 Why don't you have hat hair?

02:09:28.000 It's a full helmet.

02:09:28.000 You have a beautiful head of hair as soon as you pull it off.

02:09:30.000 It's like you just got out of a blowout.

02:09:33.000 You get his hair all blown out.

02:09:35.000 Like he's on a set.

02:09:36.000 You know? 0.99

02:09:37.000 It pulls this sweaty fucking metal helmet off. 1.00

02:09:39.000 Do you know how much you'd be sweating in that stupid thing where you're all killing people? 1.00

02:09:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:43.000 I mean, he's killing people.

02:09:44.000 He's running around. 1.00

02:09:45.000 He's grabbing them and crushing them. 1.00

02:09:46.000 He's hacking things up with his fucking sword. 1.00

02:09:49.000 Remember that? 1.00

02:09:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:09:50.000 I did like that.

02:09:51.000 Beautiful hair.

02:09:52.000 Jesus Christ, man.

02:09:52.000 It's beautiful, man.

02:09:53.000 That's... 1.00

02:09:53.000 Princess Leia and fucking... 1.00

02:09:56.000 If that guy acts like... 1.00

02:09:57.000 What's that guy's name?

02:09:58.000 Who's the actor?

02:09:58.000 Oh.

02:09:59.000 Harrison Ford did not give birth to that. 0.99

02:10:01.000 Listen, if that guy acts like a dick to girls and just bangs them and never calls them back, it's not his fault. 0.99

02:10:06.000 No, it's not his fault. 1.00

02:10:07.000 Look at him.

02:10:08.000 He's got powers.

02:10:09.000 He's got superpowers.

02:10:10.000 The force is strong with him.

02:10:11.000 Like, for real. 0.91

02:10:12.000 Like, the force to bang chicks. 0.99

02:10:13.000 It's very strong.

02:10:14.000 He might abuse it.

02:10:16.000 He could get away from him.

02:10:17.000 Driver, can you make your lips more pouty before we do this take? 1.00

02:10:20.000 Yeah, he's beautiful. 0.99

02:10:23.000 It's a ridiculous movie. 0.90

02:10:24.000 But I loved it! 0.92

02:10:25.000 I do like the theories of, like, there'd be stormtroopers who'd be like, wait, I'm not feeling this.

02:10:30.000 I like the way they handle it.

02:10:31.000 It's like, we keep checks on them all the time.

02:10:33.000 This one, I don't know how this one got through.

02:10:34.000 Isn't it interesting that the first stormtrooper we see without a helmet's a black guy? 0.95

02:10:39.000 Quitter, you're saying. 1.00

02:10:39.000 The fuck? 1.00

02:10:40.000 The first stormtrooper? 1.00

02:10:41.000 No, the first, well, the first quitter.

02:10:43.000 But, like, they didn't concentrate on stormtroopers.

02:10:44.000 Did we see any other stormtroopers without helmets?

02:10:46.000 Maybe.

02:10:47.000 But nobody paid attention to them. 0.98

02:10:48.000 The first one they paid attention to is a black guy. 0.87

02:10:50.000 Yeah.

02:10:52.000 Interesting.

02:10:54.000 Diversity.

02:10:55.000 I don't have a problem with diversity there.

02:10:57.000 Look, that is a case.

02:10:58.000 I think Star Wars is a case where you can make the argument that even though they might have gone towards diversity, they nailed it. 0.95

02:11:06.000 The woman's a perfect fucking superhero, and the man who's a stormtrooper is a great actor too. 0.66

02:11:10.000 There was no part of me that was like, this doesn't seem like the right race, or this doesn't seem like the right gender. 0.99

02:11:14.000 Both of them seem totally fine.

02:11:15.000 Just actors.

02:11:16.000 Honestly hoping that the fighter pilot and the stormtrooper had a gay affair because it seemed like they were they were really close.

02:11:24.000 Like the way they hugged.

02:11:26.000 Yeah, the way they hugged.

02:11:27.000 They had like a deep embrace.

02:11:29.000 Oh, how you been man?

02:11:30.000 It's a deep embrace.

02:11:31.000 They were so happy to see each other.

02:11:32.000 So happy.

02:11:33.000 It was a lot like when that movie, what is the cowboy movie when they go gay? 0.92

02:11:40.000 Yeah. 0.55

02:11:41.000 Brokeback Mountain.

02:11:42.000 It's almost like when those two hadn't seen each other for a while.

02:11:44.000 And they just got together and they just dove into each other's arms and went after it.

02:11:49.000 Passionate. 0.98

02:11:49.000 Yeah, I mean they lived through life and death out there with laser beams and shit, people shooting at them, they survived, they crash-landed together. 0.98

02:11:56.000 There's a bond with people. 0.88

02:11:58.000 They say that when people form relationships after traumatic events, like if you met someone during 9-11, And like you grabbed her, come with me!

02:12:06.000 And you grabbed her hand and you ran and you guys both barely got out of the building and the building collapsed and you got in a car and got away together and then she's crying and she stays in your apartment and you end up falling in love. 0.86

02:12:16.000 Your fucking relationship will be super intense because it's always going to be connected to this one really powerful event. 0.97

02:12:24.000 Christy Brinkley apparently had a situation like that where she was in a helicopter crash with this dude and then wound up marrying the dude and then it fucking fell apart and got crazy. 0.99

02:12:32.000 Doesn't mean you could live with him.

02:12:33.000 You just feel like, we're together, baby.

02:12:35.000 We're supposed to survive this together.

02:12:37.000 The bond that you have, because you sort of imprint on this moment.

02:12:41.000 Yeah.

02:12:42.000 Like, you ever go somewhere where, like, you had a really bad time and you're around that area, and even if it's ten years later, you're like, ooh.

02:12:47.000 You still feel shitty about it? 0.98

02:12:48.000 Yeah, I remember this fucking place. 0.99

02:12:49.000 Yeah, deep emotional connection with somebody. 0.99

02:12:50.000 It's like...

02:12:51.000 I have emotional connections with clubs where I bombed.

02:12:54.000 Like, I'll go by. 0.98

02:12:55.000 Like, if I went by some places in Boston, I'd be like, ooh, I remember eating dick up there. 0.96

02:13:00.000 You don't want to eat there.

02:13:01.000 It's a restaurant now, you're like, I can't eat here.

02:13:03.000 Yeah, that's nothing.

02:13:05.000 People can develop some serious emotional connections to areas.

02:13:08.000 They had that Tom Cruise movie that was actually good that nobody saw.

02:13:11.000 Oh, was that good?

02:13:12.000 Oh, yeah.

02:13:13.000 Where he kept going back in time.

02:13:14.000 Oh, wait a minute.

02:13:15.000 Oh, that was really good.

02:13:17.000 Really good.

02:13:18.000 I think everyone had already given up on him from the last one.

02:13:20.000 But that was good.

02:13:21.000 And they handled everything right.

02:13:22.000 Like, well, if that If that was happening, this would happen.

02:13:24.000 And you're like, oh, there it is.

02:13:25.000 It is.

02:13:25.000 But he had that girl that he kept trying to fall in love with, and he figured out, oh, if we get to this stage in yesterday, we will fall in love.

02:13:33.000 And let's just stay here and stay in love as long as possible.

02:13:37.000 That's beautiful.

02:13:38.000 Yeah.

02:13:38.000 That's what I'd like.

02:13:39.000 I ain't never gonna beat these guys.

02:13:41.000 I'd like it to work out like that.

02:13:42.000 Those aliens were cool, though.

02:13:43.000 They were really original.

02:13:44.000 They were robot aliens.

02:13:45.000 Yeah, they were weird, sort of mechanical, transforming alien things.

02:13:49.000 They were awesome, because they were so creative.

02:13:52.000 I'd never seen anything that I'd go, oh, that's like this.

02:13:56.000 Yeah, they drop them like cannonballs, and as soon as they hit the ground, they're just like these squids. 1.00

02:14:01.000 Yeah, like maybe the coolest aliens in a movie ever.

02:14:03.000 And then these people are shooting at them, and it's like, oh, you guys are done.

02:14:06.000 You have no chance.

02:14:07.000 Yeah, they morphed and changed.

02:14:09.000 Maybe pull a video up so you can see what that scene was like, because it's cool to see the...

02:14:14.000 That looks like an illustration, too.

02:14:17.000 Kevin Jenkins.

02:14:18.000 That's like a Frank Frazetta looking thing.

02:14:21.000 Do you know who Frank Frazetta is?

02:14:22.000 No.

02:14:23.000 Heathen.

02:14:24.000 You know nothing.

02:14:25.000 Who is he?

02:14:26.000 Costumer?

02:14:26.000 This is an amazing artist who used to do Conan the Barbarian.

02:14:31.000 Really?

02:14:32.000 Yeah.

02:14:32.000 Before we go to this, pull up Frank Frazetta Conan.

02:14:35.000 Just school this...

02:14:38.000 Sad, man.

02:14:39.000 Frank Frazetta, Conan. 1.00

02:14:41.000 Where do you see this image, motherfucker? 1.00

02:14:43.000 This guy was the shit in, like, the 70s. 1.00

02:14:46.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

02:14:47.000 Go with the one right next to it, to the left of that.

02:14:50.000 That's the classic one.

02:14:51.000 Go full screen on that.

02:14:52.000 That's a classic, classic painting.

02:14:55.000 Whoa, that's a real barbarian. 0.92

02:14:56.000 Dude, that's Conan the Barbarian.

02:14:58.000 That's what got me into those books.

02:15:00.000 With a girl, a naked woman at his feet, and he's standing on top of it. 0.99

02:15:03.000 Jesus yes blood and bones and meat and he's got a hot girl doesn't give a fuck She's lying on the blood while he's got a sword and I just want to hold on to your He's covered in scars, too. 0.99

02:15:17.000 He's got scars over his face all over his arms That was what got me into Conan these images by Frank Frazetta because they created this Superman this Sumerian Barbarian. 0.99

02:15:29.000 He loves having girls at his feet. 0.99

02:15:31.000 Of course he does.

02:15:32.000 That's the only reason why to fight with a sword, son. 1.00

02:15:35.000 Why else if you're not gonna get pussy? 1.00

02:15:37.000 They understood it back then. 0.99

02:15:38.000 Let's go to this one right now.

02:15:39.000 Sexist, go a little bit to the right.

02:15:41.000 We both know the same way.

02:15:42.000 Bam! 0.98

02:15:43.000 Sexism, full, alive. 0.99

02:15:46.000 He came in her 34 times. 0.98

02:15:47.000 That's why her stomach sticks out. 0.99

02:15:49.000 No, that's cum. 0.98

02:15:50.000 It's bulging. 1.00

02:15:51.000 Her vagina is so full of cum. 1.00

02:15:54.000 It's like pushing forward on her abdominal wall. 1.00

02:15:57.000 That can cause hernias. 0.99

02:15:59.000 That guy was just shooting lows in her and killing people.

02:16:03.000 Look, that was back before they even knew what six-packs were and he had a six-pack.

02:16:07.000 No one had a six-pack in the 70s.

02:16:09.000 That guy, they had perfect bodies.

02:16:11.000 They were bigger than any bodybuilder at the time.

02:16:14.000 That's pretty cool.

02:16:14.000 Pretty cool paintings.

02:16:15.000 Well, when Conan was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, everybody, like, that's what everybody recognizes, you know?

02:16:20.000 What?

02:16:21.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:16:22.000 But the character in the Frazetta drawings was much more...

02:16:26.000 So it was a comic strip No, no, no.

02:16:28.000 It was a book, a series of books, by a guy named Robert E. Howard.

02:16:31.000 And Robert E. Howard is this really fascinating guy.

02:16:34.000 They did a movie about him, and the dude from one of those cop shows.

02:16:38.000 The guy from...

02:16:40.000 You know the dude from Full Metal Jacket?

02:16:43.000 Amazing actor from Full Metal Jacket who played the guy who shot himself.

02:16:46.000 The guy who'd get bullied.

02:16:47.000 He goes crazy.

02:16:48.000 Yeah, he's creating everything.

02:16:48.000 He's amazing.

02:16:49.000 What is his fucking name? 1.00

02:16:50.000 Vincent Zanofrio. 0.99

02:16:51.000 Thank you.

02:16:51.000 Sorry, Vincent.

02:16:52.000 He's amazing.

02:16:53.000 He's an amazing actor.

02:16:56.000 What was I gonna say?

02:16:57.000 He's in it?

02:16:58.000 He's in it. 1.00

02:17:00.000 What the fuck were we just talking about? 0.99

02:17:02.000 Conan? 0.99

02:17:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:17:03.000 Conan?

02:17:03.000 No.

02:17:03.000 He plays Robert E. Howard.

02:17:05.000 That's what it is.

02:17:05.000 Oh.

02:17:05.000 He plays Robert E. Howard in a biography on Robert E. Howard's life in a movie.

02:17:10.000 And I didn't see the movie.

02:17:12.000 But Robert E. Howard was supposed to be this, like, really strange guy who lived with his mom.

02:17:16.000 And he shot himself, I think, when he was, like, 36. Yeah.

02:17:19.000 So he had this, like, is that it?

02:17:21.000 The whole wide world?

02:17:22.000 He had, you know, some serious mental issues for sure.

02:17:25.000 But he also...

02:17:27.000 He wasn't healthy.

02:17:29.000 And so he had imagined this Superman, this Ubermunch, who was destroying people back in this fictitious world that he created that supposedly was a long time ago, but who knows? 0.88

02:17:43.000 It was like these...

02:17:46.000 Countries that never existed and they were doing battle and there's witchcraft and demons and monsters and then there was this barbarian usurper, this king, who became a king by killing everything in his path.

02:17:58.000 He was like this indestructible man.

02:18:00.000 That's Conan the Barbarian.

02:18:01.000 And so Robert E. Howard sort of created this guy who's the antithesis of what he was. 0.98

02:18:05.000 He was this frail guy who lived with his mom, he's a pussy, and he wrote with this longing about this guy who just This lust for adventure. 1.00

02:18:13.000 Fucked everything. 1.00

02:18:14.000 Killed everything. 1.00

02:18:15.000 Killed everything. 0.94

02:18:16.000 Always survived.

02:18:17.000 He was just this uber man.

02:18:19.000 You know, like the greatest of all time.

02:18:22.000 This giant man who moved like a panther.

02:18:25.000 Who like had a mind of like a steel trap.

02:18:28.000 He would never show weakness.

02:18:30.000 You know, he always was ready to die but never did.

02:18:33.000 So, he wrote all these really badass books.

02:18:37.000 They were really wild.

02:18:38.000 Probably now, if I read them, I'd be like, what am I reading? 1.00

02:18:41.000 But when I was 11, they were the shit. 1.00

02:18:43.000 Really? 1.00

02:18:44.000 Did you get the sex stuff?

02:18:46.000 Sort of, I kind of get. 1.00

02:18:47.000 It wasn't like, he put his hard cock in her cunt. 1.00

02:18:51.000 It wasn't like that kind of stuff. 1.00

02:18:52.000 It was like romantic, you know? 0.66

02:18:54.000 It was more about cleaving heads and the gore, him being covered with gore and bits of sinew cover the glistening blade as he slices through the attacker's You know and then they realized like how they fucked up and tried to do battle with Conan and Everybody died everybody died by Conan, 0.97

02:19:14.000 but it was just this For a 12 year old kid or whatever the fuck I was when I guess I was probably like that age when I got into it. 0.96

02:19:20.000 It was amazing. 0.96

02:19:21.000 It was like You know cuz you're a boy like first of all, no one's gonna let you see that You're like a 12-year-old boy.

02:19:28.000 Yeah.

02:19:29.000 They don't show it in movies.

02:19:30.000 They cut away from it.

02:19:32.000 You're on cable yet.

02:19:32.000 Yeah, you don't really...

02:19:33.000 Even today, they do.

02:19:35.000 Today, if you watched a recent Barbarian movie, there was...

02:19:40.000 They would show.

02:19:40.000 Did you see Jason Momoa?

02:19:42.000 Have you seen him play Conan?

02:19:43.000 No.

02:19:44.000 He's the guy from Game of Thrones.

02:19:45.000 Oh, the real tall one?

02:19:46.000 Yeah, well, the really built, handsome guy that dies early. 1.00

02:19:50.000 That dude is a cool motherfucker. 0.99

02:19:52.000 I ran into him recently at Whole Foods. 1.00

02:19:55.000 He couldn't be cooler.

02:19:56.000 I've ran into him with the UFC before, too.

02:19:58.000 He's just a really nice, really friendly guy who you want to hate him because he's a little too beautiful.

02:20:03.000 A little too beautiful, a little too tall.

02:20:06.000 But he was my favorite all-time Conan because that's what Conan is supposed to be built like.

02:20:11.000 Did he do it on a TV show?

02:20:13.000 No, he did a movie. 1.00

02:20:14.000 It was kind of a shit movie, unfortunately. 0.99

02:20:18.000 But, um, it's cool to watch anyway. 1.00

02:20:20.000 I enjoyed it.

02:20:21.000 That's him as Conan?

02:20:22.000 Yeah.

02:20:22.000 He's a good size for Conan.

02:20:24.000 Like, that would be, like, what Conan would be built like.

02:20:25.000 Yeah, you'd have a chance to win, like, every one of your hand-to-hand combat battles.

02:20:28.000 Yeah, he wouldn't be built like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

02:20:30.000 If you look at the Frazetta drawings, like, go to, like, the Frazetta one with the sword again.

02:20:34.000 The classic one.

02:20:36.000 It's a little bit over there.

02:20:37.000 Right there.

02:20:37.000 Bang.

02:20:37.000 So, like...

02:20:39.000 The real Conan's like a little more built than him, but that's probably because homeboy's on the natch.

02:20:45.000 You know, Jason Momoa, that's actually what he's really built like.

02:20:48.000 Whereas Schwarzenegger was filled with 32 pounds of Mexican supplements at any given time.

02:20:54.000 You know, when he played Conan, I mean, nobody's built like that. 1.00

02:20:57.000 When he was Conan, I mean, he had the most ridiculous fucking body. 1.00

02:21:03.000 Schwarzenegger? 1.00

02:21:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:21:04.000 He was, like, number one in the world in my body, right?

02:21:06.000 Well, he's slimmed down, though.

02:21:08.000 He slimmed down towards the other ones.

02:21:10.000 Like, you see, you can kind of tell the difference between that one and the other one that you just...

02:21:13.000 God, those months are huge.

02:21:14.000 He's so big!

02:21:14.000 And by the way, that's small, like, right there.

02:21:17.000 Like, that's very slim in comparison.

02:21:20.000 Like, that's a guy who's slimming down.

02:21:22.000 Like, that guy's built, like, Tyron Woodley or something like that.

02:21:24.000 That looks like the body of the drawings.

02:21:26.000 Yeah, that's perfect, actually.

02:21:28.000 That must have been in one of the later movies.

02:21:30.000 So I think he went from being the bigger bodybuilder to slowly get smaller. 0.99

02:21:33.000 It looks so weird to see him with that fucking chest and the sword and a backwards baseball cap on. 0.99

02:21:38.000 That's not a backwards baseball hat. 0.99

02:21:40.000 Right.

02:21:40.000 It's like a little helmet on.

02:21:42.000 Go back up.

02:21:43.000 Does he really have one?

02:21:44.000 Yeah.

02:21:45.000 Backwards.

02:21:45.000 That almost looks like it, but it's a bandana.

02:21:48.000 It could be like a hillbilly with a sword who's really yoked.

02:21:52.000 Really yoked.

02:21:53.000 Because even when he slimmed down, he was still massive.

02:21:57.000 You know, even when he like got smaller. 0.98

02:21:59.000 But if you go back to his bodybuilding days when he was Mr. Olympia, holy shit.

02:22:04.000 He, in my opinion, out of all like the bodybuilder styles, like there's a bunch of different styles. 0.92

02:22:10.000 Like now guys are just massive and shredded.

02:22:13.000 Like that guy.

02:22:14.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:22:15.000 Well, that guy is, um, the guy on the left is, um, the fuck's his name? 0.96

02:22:19.000 Multiple time Mr. Olympia. 0.98

02:22:21.000 What the hell's his name? 0.73

02:22:22.000 Those legs. 1.00

02:22:23.000 Ew, gross. 0.99

02:22:25.000 What is his name? 0.99

02:22:27.000 Goddammit, Jamie. 0.98

02:22:27.000 What does it say? 0.98

02:22:28.000 Ronnie Coleman.

02:22:29.000 Ronnie Coleman.

02:22:30.000 So that's not real.

02:22:31.000 Ronnie Coleman was many years later, right?

02:22:33.000 2002. So that's just a comparison to the two of them?

02:22:36.000 Oh, I see.

02:22:37.000 Okay.

02:22:37.000 1975 or 2000. See, if you lift it up, go back up again.

02:22:41.000 Go back to that image again, please.

02:22:44.000 That's really him?

02:22:45.000 Wow, he looks amazing there, yeah.

02:22:46.000 But if you go back to that image, the one, yeah, look at the difference in the legs.

02:22:49.000 That's the real difference.

02:22:50.000 Ronnie Coleman's legs are massive. 0.54

02:22:52.000 They're insane.

02:22:53.000 They don't seem real. 0.94

02:22:55.000 See, Arnold's seem ridiculously muscular as well, but real.

02:22:59.000 How does he wear shirts?

02:23:01.000 Roddy Coleman?

02:23:02.000 Either of them.

02:23:03.000 Their waist are narrow.

02:23:04.000 Why would you wear clothes if you're built like that?

02:23:05.000 Just walk around those little grape smugglers all day. 1.00

02:23:09.000 Just let everybody know what the fuck is up. 1.00

02:23:11.000 He can't stay like that for very long either. 0.99

02:23:13.000 That's the other thing you have to realize.

02:23:15.000 When you're looking at these athletes, should I call them athletes?

02:23:18.000 Bodybuilders?

02:23:19.000 Yeah.

02:23:19.000 I think they're a little bit different than an athlete.

02:23:21.000 I mean, it's obviously...

02:23:21.000 The way their muscles get tired and they can't...

02:23:23.000 Well, yeah, they're in a state of massive dehydration there.

02:23:27.000 They can't maintain that very long.

02:23:28.000 It's super dangerous.

02:23:30.000 When guys get that dehydrated like that, they can't hang on for very long.

02:23:36.000 They don't have much endurance.

02:23:38.000 You feel really tired all the time.

02:23:40.000 But that's how you get your skin really thin. 0.93

02:23:43.000 A lot of those guys, when they do that, they're fucking exhausted while they're doing it. 0.89

02:23:46.000 They maintain a good face and flex. 0.96

02:23:49.000 It's just crazy what people do to their bodies.

02:23:52.000 Even then, you look at that, which is big, giant, but the guys are so much bigger today.

02:24:00.000 Like, you see them there.

02:24:02.000 It's that muscle.

02:24:02.000 What is that?

02:24:03.000 A lat or something?

02:24:04.000 Trap?

02:24:04.000 Who's the guy to the left?

02:24:06.000 Is that Franco Colombo?

02:24:07.000 Some guy's about to lose.

02:24:11.000 That's what it is.

02:24:12.000 Some guy thought he had a future.

02:24:13.000 Well, there's a lot of those guys that did have a future.

02:24:15.000 They just never had a future like him. 1.00

02:24:17.000 But he's just that crazy, ambitious motherfucker, you know? 1.00

02:24:20.000 Ever heard Burr's bit about him? 1.00

02:24:22.000 No, Burr has a bit of a...

02:24:23.000 Oh, yeah.

02:24:23.000 A great man!

02:24:24.000 That's right.

02:24:25.000 That's when after your bang is made.

02:24:27.000 Yeah.

02:24:28.000 No.

02:24:28.000 You can do all these things.

02:24:30.000 They tell him, you can't come to America and be a bodybuilder.

02:24:32.000 You're just some German. 1.00

02:24:33.000 You came?

02:24:33.000 You're going to win?

02:24:34.000 You won?

02:24:35.000 Yeah.

02:24:35.000 You're the biggest bodybuilder?

02:24:36.000 Well, you can't.

02:24:37.000 What?

02:24:37.000 You want to be a movie star?

02:24:38.000 No, you can't be a movie star.

02:24:39.000 Come on.

02:24:40.000 You should be a bodybuilder.

02:24:41.000 You can't do it.

02:24:41.000 You did it?

02:24:43.000 Alright, that's enough.

02:24:44.000 You've done enough.

02:24:44.000 What, you're the biggest movie star in the world?

02:24:46.000 Alright, well that's it.

02:24:47.000 No, stop.

02:24:48.000 You can't run California.

02:24:49.000 That's not allowed.

02:24:51.000 You're a movie star bodybuilder.

02:24:52.000 You're not allowed to run California.

02:24:53.000 You're doing it?

02:24:55.000 I bet. 1.00

02:24:55.000 Oh, now you want a fucking maid? 1.00

02:24:56.000 Of course. 1.00

02:24:59.000 Oh, that's the line?

02:25:00.000 That's what brought him down.

02:25:02.000 A great man!

02:25:03.000 A great man.

02:25:04.000 I think if they didn't have law against it, a law against it, because he was born in another country, he could be president.

02:25:11.000 I think he could be president now.

02:25:12.000 Nah, not now. 1.00

02:25:13.000 Bullshit. 1.00

02:25:14.000 He's too far removed from his fame. 1.00

02:25:15.000 He'll find a new woman. 0.99

02:25:16.000 A new woman that really anchors him.

02:25:18.000 A woman who's religious.

02:25:20.000 I mean, she's not like crazy about it, but there's something about Jesus' teachings that's really starting to appeal to Arnold as he gets older in life.

02:25:27.000 And then boom, connects with that Republican base.

02:25:29.000 You'd have to get Jesus real popularly.

02:25:32.000 Yeah, but dude, Jesus forgives.

02:25:34.000 You can get Jesus. 0.61

02:25:35.000 Dude, just listen. 1.00

02:25:36.000 Jesus said some cool shit. 1.00

02:25:38.000 Okay? 1.00

02:25:38.000 He just did. 1.00

02:25:39.000 He really did.

02:25:40.000 He did some cool...

02:25:40.000 If it was a real guy, which is debatable.

02:25:43.000 Right?

02:25:44.000 It's a lot of, not a lot of evidence that there was a real guy, right?

02:25:47.000 They wrote about him in the Talmud.

02:25:48.000 Did they?

02:25:49.000 Mm-hmm.

02:25:49.000 Oh, what else did they write about?

02:25:50.000 Dragons?

02:25:51.000 Anything about witches?

02:25:52.000 No.

02:25:53.000 Huh?

02:25:53.000 No.

02:25:53.000 About demons?

02:25:55.000 No.

02:25:55.000 No?

02:25:55.000 Isn't that the one that tells you if you come, you're jerking off?

02:25:58.000 That's Kabbalah. 0.99

02:25:58.000 No? 0.99

02:25:59.000 Oh, the other one?

02:26:00.000 Yeah.

02:26:00.000 Okay.

02:26:02.000 I don't know.

02:26:02.000 What do you think?

02:26:03.000 I think he was real.

02:26:04.000 I think they did have historical evidence for him.

02:26:06.000 But not the powers, not the walking on water.

02:26:08.000 Have you ever seen that movie? 1.00

02:26:10.000 There's a guy who was talking a lot of shit. 0.99

02:26:12.000 It's like, okay, before the internet, you remember those videos of that sensei who's like, try to rush me and just with one finger who drives people back? 1.00

02:26:18.000 And they all fly back, clearly faked.

02:26:20.000 Before, there were videos of that.

02:26:22.000 They were just, dude, I heard this guy can knock off any attacker with one finger.

02:26:26.000 And I don't have TV either, so I don't know what's real.

02:26:29.000 That's what Jesus, Jesus got big.

02:26:30.000 Well, here's the thing.

02:26:31.000 People were telling stories about him.

02:26:32.000 The idea of Jesus coming back from the dead, right?

02:26:35.000 That was the big one, right?

02:26:36.000 That was probably one of the biggest ones he did.

02:26:38.000 And then what?

02:26:41.000 Three days later.

02:26:42.000 And then what happens?

02:26:43.000 He goes away?

02:26:43.000 What happens then?

02:26:44.000 Yeah, I think he just...

02:26:45.000 They're like, oh, look, his body's not in here.

02:26:47.000 He must have come back from the dead.

02:26:51.000 Couldn't be that hyenas ate his body or anything, right?

02:26:53.000 Yeah, or somebody just went and grave robbed.

02:26:55.000 Why don't you leave a body out in bare country?

02:26:58.000 No, no, no.

02:26:58.000 He's back.

02:26:59.000 He's alive again.

02:27:00.000 And then he went to heaven.

02:27:01.000 So he came back to life, went to heaven.

02:27:03.000 Jamie, do you know?

02:27:04.000 Yeah, they put him in a tomb.

02:27:05.000 They put him in a tomb, right?

02:27:06.000 And three days later, the rock was moved.

02:27:08.000 And someone saw him go up into heaven, full body. 1.00

02:27:11.000 Oh, this lion bitch. 1.00

02:27:12.000 And that's where the Dome of the Rock is, where he went up to heaven. 0.99

02:27:14.000 You know who saw him? 0.96

02:27:15.000 Those lesbians in that club in Vancouver. 0.90

02:27:18.000 They were there.

02:27:19.000 Their account is totally verifiable.

02:27:21.000 His Canadian tribunals have too much power.

02:27:24.000 Yeah, if you had a Canadian tribunal to discover whether or not Jesus ever came back to life, I just think if you came back to life, you should probably stick around and talk to people.

02:27:32.000 Let them know that you did it.

02:27:34.000 Look, I'm so for real.

02:27:35.000 You guys crucified me. 1.00

02:27:36.000 Not again, bitch. 1.00

02:27:37.000 Come at me this time. 1.00

02:27:38.000 I'm gonna use my magic.

02:27:39.000 I'm here to fix you guys.

02:27:41.000 Come on.

02:27:41.000 I died for your sins.

02:27:42.000 Get it together, bitches. 1.00

02:27:43.000 Nope. 0.99

02:27:44.000 Removing anything we know is not true from that.

02:27:47.000 How do you know it's not true? 1.00

02:27:48.000 You don't know shit. 0.99

02:27:49.000 From what you know of, let's say- That's a guy who got strung up for saying he was a messiah, which he wasn't the only one at the time saying he was a messiah. 1.00

02:27:58.000 He got strung up for it, and he died, and then the followers had to keep hope alive.

02:28:04.000 And whatever they did, they did.

02:28:05.000 But like...

02:28:07.000 If it was a real person, then it's like, yeah, he got killed, like a lot of people.

02:28:11.000 Well, it's so hard.

02:28:12.000 It's so hard to recount the truth in an accurate way from things you've actually experienced.

02:28:18.000 Yeah.

02:28:19.000 But you can take the God out of it.

02:28:21.000 But imagine those stories of whoever he was, counted down And retold by people that barely remember the original version.

02:28:32.000 They weren't even there. 0.99

02:28:33.000 They added their own bullshit to it like people do. 1.00

02:28:35.000 They added their own spice. 1.00

02:28:37.000 They added their own rules.

02:28:38.000 They added their own happy ending or sad ending or consequences of said action.

02:28:44.000 You know, and Jesus said, if you do not cover from your eyes to your ankles, you shall be stoned to death.

02:28:51.000 And a dishonor killing. 1.00

02:28:52.000 People just add shit, right? 1.00

02:28:54.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:28:54.000 Who knows what the original message was and who the fuck it was that came up with it? 1.00

02:28:57.000 It might have been just some really cool dude who wanted everybody to get along. 1.00

02:29:00.000 And so they decided to kill this fucker because he's talking shit. 1.00

02:29:03.000 Imagine if the Romans came to town, they got their swords, ready to kick some ass, and this fucking hippie is over here talking some stupid shit. 1.00

02:29:10.000 No, dude, we're here to kill people. 1.00

02:29:11.000 Okay, we're just going to nail you to this cross like we do thousands of other fucking people. 1.00

02:29:15.000 As a matter of fact, they had... 0.99

02:29:17.000 What was the story that...

02:29:19.000 There's a story in History on Fire that Daniele Bolelli talks about, where the Romans, they put miles and miles of crucified bodies on this road.

02:29:29.000 Like in Game of Thrones.

02:29:30.000 Dude, it's horrific.

02:29:32.000 When he recounts it, it's horrific.

02:29:35.000 And they did that. 0.99

02:29:36.000 So why would they give a shit about doing this to one other dude? 0.99

02:29:39.000 This is what they were doing. 0.99

02:29:41.000 Let them do whatever they want.

02:29:42.000 So if you were in the town and there's this one cool guy who wants everybody to get along, you're like, man, I'm glad Jesus is here.

02:29:47.000 He's talking sense.

02:29:48.000 You know, we really should listen to him. 0.99

02:29:50.000 Like, why are we being assholes? 0.99

02:29:51.000 We really do. 0.99

02:29:52.000 We need to appreciate our surroundings and love each other like brothers and sisters. 1.00

02:29:57.000 Oh shit, dude, the Romans. 0.99

02:29:59.000 Look over the hill. 1.00

02:30:00.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:30:01.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:30:01.000 And you look over the head, you see dust and horses, just thousands of them coming forth. 1.00

02:30:06.000 And this dude's gonna step up and try to talk to these people.

02:30:10.000 Lay down! 1.00

02:30:12.000 Chop his fucking dick off and stuff it up his nose. 1.00

02:30:15.000 They're monsters. 1.00

02:30:16.000 That's why I love Game of Thrones. 1.00

02:30:17.000 They don't fuck around. 0.99

02:30:18.000 They're not like, they were just like, this is how it would be. 0.99

02:30:20.000 Yeah.

02:30:20.000 A bunch of loose cannons.

02:30:22.000 Oh, yeah.

02:30:23.000 You know, no government oversight. 1.00

02:30:25.000 Die. 0.99

02:30:26.000 They kill people for no reason. 1.00

02:30:28.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:30:28.000 Why take the chance? 1.00

02:30:30.000 Swords, too.

02:30:30.000 You die by the sword.

02:30:33.000 Heads and fucking arms get lopped off. 1.00

02:30:35.000 That's why I've always hated the crossbow. 1.00

02:30:36.000 Takes too long to reload. 1.00

02:30:38.000 It's a bullshit weapon. 1.00

02:30:39.000 It really is. 1.00

02:30:40.000 Crossbows for pussies. 1.00

02:30:41.000 Does it offend you? 1.00

02:30:42.000 Get a fucking bow, folks. 1.00

02:30:43.000 Seriously. 1.00

02:30:44.000 A real bow and arrow.

02:30:45.000 Does it make you mad, Walking Dead?

02:30:46.000 It totally makes me mad.

02:30:48.000 You know what makes me mad?

02:30:49.000 The Walking Dead?

02:30:50.000 That he's one of the coolest guys, too. 0.99

02:30:51.000 How does that fucking arrow not get a pass through? 0.99

02:30:54.000 Okay? 1.00

02:30:54.000 He's shooting people in the bodies. 1.00

02:30:56.000 He's shooting them in the head. 1.00

02:30:57.000 It always sticks right in. 1.00

02:30:58.000 It always sticks in and he pulls it right out.

02:31:00.000 Listen, man, I ruin three or four arrows a week.

02:31:03.000 A week.

02:31:04.000 This guy has been out there.

02:31:05.000 He keeps finding new arrows.

02:31:06.000 Yeah, I shoot a lot of arrows.

02:31:08.000 And sometimes when I'm practicing with new- It's Georgia.

02:31:11.000 New releases.

02:31:12.000 I'm practicing with new Archer releases. 1.00

02:31:14.000 Sometimes I hit rocks and shit. 0.98

02:31:16.000 And they just break? 0.99

02:31:16.000 They just break. 0.99

02:31:18.000 I'm exaggerating the amount.

02:31:19.000 Do you ever hit a rock on purpose to see if it'll ricochet?

02:31:22.000 It just destroys the arrow.

02:31:23.000 The arrow's going too fast.

02:31:24.000 It just shatters and explodes. 1.00

02:31:26.000 But my point being, this guy has the same goddamn arrows. 0.99

02:31:29.000 These arrows are gone, dude. 1.00

02:31:30.000 You shot 100 zombies.

02:31:32.000 You don't have any more arrows.

02:31:33.000 You just don't.

02:31:34.000 You're not going to pull them out and they're going to be perfect. 0.99

02:31:35.000 First of all, you have field points, and that's bullshit anyway. 0.99

02:31:37.000 You don't even have broadheads. 0.99

02:31:39.000 You don't even kill anything. 0.91

02:31:40.000 You're just going to put a little pinhole in it. 0.80

02:31:42.000 That's all you need, just get through the brain. 0.92

02:31:43.000 He shoots him in the head, you know, and it just sticks right in there magically and he pulls it right out.

02:31:48.000 Like, what are their heads made of? 0.97

02:31:49.000 Yeah, I know.

02:31:50.000 And when they eat, what happens to the food?

02:31:54.000 Their bodies don't still work and process stuff.

02:31:56.000 You would be way better off with a regular bow and arrow. 1.00

02:31:59.000 Because a regular bow and arrow, like you can make your own bow and arrow that'd be better than that stupid fucking crossbow. 1.00

02:32:05.000 You want something you can just load up like that and keep shooting. 1.00

02:32:09.000 You can shoot several times. 1.00

02:32:10.000 That stupid thing. 1.00

02:32:11.000 You gotta grab it. 1.00

02:32:12.000 You gotta pull it.

02:32:13.000 People just like it because it looks like Chewbacca's gun in Star Wars. 0.99

02:32:16.000 It's some old-schooly shit. 0.99

02:32:18.000 Like, you think, oh, that's even better than a bow and arrow. 1.00

02:32:20.000 Bow and arrow's way better than a crossbow. 1.00

02:32:22.000 Unless you're a pussy. 1.00

02:32:24.000 You don't want to learn how to shoot a bow and arrow. 1.00

02:32:26.000 They should have somebody walking dead with an actual bow and arrow. 0.99

02:32:29.000 Have those guys butt heads. 0.99

02:32:30.000 I mean, it's not a bad weapon if you want to kill something. 0.67

02:32:32.000 Like, if you want to use it, like, if you're in a deer blind and you're trying to kill a deer, and you want to show someone how to do it with a crossbow, it's a great weapon for that.

02:32:40.000 Because it's really easy to do.

02:32:41.000 Have you seen Sebastian's bit about bow and arrow?

02:32:43.000 No.

02:32:44.000 He's got a good bit?

02:32:45.000 Don't tell me.

02:32:46.000 Don't say it.

02:32:47.000 Don't say I don't want to ruin it.

02:32:47.000 It might be already recorded.

02:32:48.000 You've got to look and see if you can find it.

02:32:49.000 Okay.

02:32:50.000 I'll try it out.

02:32:50.000 Oh, it's so funny.

02:32:51.000 His act-outs are so good.

02:32:53.000 He's hilarious.

02:32:54.000 He's such a good dude, too.

02:32:56.000 It's cool seeing a guy like him.

02:32:58.000 You gotta look it up.

02:33:00.000 See if it's up there.

02:33:01.000 I don't want to play it.

02:33:02.000 It is?

02:33:03.000 Yeah, I'll find it later.

02:33:05.000 But for folks listening, go check it out.

02:33:08.000 But I mean, most people don't actually have a bow and arrow, so if anyone would like this bit, it would be you. 0.98

02:33:14.000 He's fucking funny, man. 0.89

02:33:16.000 And he's a really nice guy, too. 0.96

02:33:18.000 Yeah, Sebastian's cool.

02:33:19.000 He's one of those guys where everybody likes him.

02:33:21.000 I've never heard anybody doesn't like Sebastian.

02:33:23.000 You know one person?

02:33:24.000 Who doesn't like Sebastian?

02:33:25.000 Yeah.

02:33:25.000 Ever?

02:33:26.000 Nah.

02:33:28.000 Nah.

02:33:28.000 His wife's cool, too.

02:33:29.000 Yeah.

02:33:29.000 Hardest.

02:33:30.000 Yeah.

02:33:31.000 But he's also a guy that really worked hard.

02:33:34.000 That guy, he hustled, man.

02:33:36.000 He made it happen for himself.

02:33:38.000 He kept getting better.

02:33:39.000 The weak guy had today!

02:33:41.000 That was his catchphrase.

02:33:43.000 He couldn't do a set without doing that. 0.96

02:33:45.000 He came in and did a podcast, and he was fucking hilarious. 0.88

02:33:48.000 Yeah, he's hilarious. 0.96

02:33:48.000 He was really funny. 0.96

02:33:49.000 He's so, like, particular.

02:33:50.000 Yeah, yeah, very particular.

02:33:53.000 Like, what's going on with your fingernails?

02:33:56.000 He looks, and he just bothers him.

02:33:59.000 He's like, what is this?

02:34:00.000 Did you paint your fingernails, guy?

02:34:04.000 Yeah, he's another guy that has, like, a very specific style.

02:34:09.000 He's cleaned ice.

02:34:11.000 Think about it.

02:34:12.000 Man, I don't know.

02:34:14.000 Think about it.

02:34:15.000 No.

02:34:16.000 I'm going to say no.

02:34:17.000 I've seen him before.

02:34:18.000 Maybe it's just when he does crowd work.

02:34:19.000 When he does crowd work, he lifts everybody up.

02:34:22.000 Instead of that shirt's gross, he goes, that shirt's amazing.

02:34:25.000 I could never get away with that shirt.

02:34:27.000 Look at how gorgeous this guy.

02:34:29.000 Their smile.

02:34:30.000 You had all your teeth fixed, huh?

02:34:32.000 Beautiful.

02:34:34.000 He takes the opposite end of it and just gets the funny out of just being positive.

02:34:38.000 It's weird.

02:34:38.000 That's interesting.

02:34:39.000 In that sense, maybe, yeah.

02:34:41.000 Yeah.

02:34:41.000 Maybe in that sense.

02:34:42.000 Which is exactly the exact opposite of what I used to love about watching Dice in the OR. Just hurting people?

02:34:48.000 Late night, there'd be a guy, he'd go, look at you.

02:34:50.000 Look at you. 1.00

02:34:51.000 The last piece of pussy you saw is the last piece of pussy you're ever gonna see. 1.00

02:34:56.000 Trust me. 1.00

02:34:57.000 It's over.

02:34:58.000 Trust me.

02:34:58.000 It's over.

02:35:00.000 He would have a cigarette.

02:35:01.000 It's over. 1.00

02:35:02.000 Who's gonna fuck you? 1.00

02:35:03.000 Who's gonna fuck? 1.00

02:35:04.000 Let's be honest, Ovi. 1.00

02:35:06.000 She shits on you. 1.00

02:35:06.000 Believe me. 1.00

02:35:07.000 Who's gonna fuck you? 1.00

02:35:09.000 You're gonna pay for it? 1.00

02:35:11.000 You're gonna be sad. 1.00

02:35:12.000 You're gonna fall in love with the hooker. 1.00

02:35:14.000 You're gonna wanna bring her into your life and save her. 0.99

02:35:18.000 Meanwhile, all the time, she's getting... 0.91

02:35:20.000 Cock when you're not looking.

02:35:22.000 He would just go deep on his people. 0.92

02:35:23.000 He would get bad.

02:35:24.000 But it was fun.

02:35:25.000 Like, it was theater.

02:35:26.000 It was theater.

02:35:27.000 It didn't seem real, right?

02:35:29.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:35:30.000 It's theater.

02:35:31.000 Like, it's a character that's doing this mean act on people.

02:35:34.000 Yeah, it's when you act like yourself on stage, people feel way more like, how dare you?

02:35:38.000 Yeah.

02:35:38.000 But when it's a complete character or a movie where it's like, this is all definitely not true, so it's okay.

02:35:42.000 It just seems more like reality.

02:35:43.000 I think that's why people get madder more.

02:35:45.000 Stand up.

02:35:45.000 Look at you over here.

02:35:48.000 Oh! 0.60

02:35:50.000 Is that good?

02:35:51.000 Yeah.

02:35:51.000 Did you hear about Bowie dying?

02:35:52.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:35:53.000 What'd you think of him? 1.00

02:35:54.000 I loved him.

02:35:55.000 Yeah.

02:35:56.000 I saw the exhibit in Melbourne.

02:35:57.000 This Bowie exhibit.

02:35:59.000 He had some great songs.

02:36:00.000 Yeah.

02:36:01.000 And just the way he dealt with live performance and getting the world's best costumers.

02:36:06.000 He was like, I gotta talk to you.

02:36:07.000 Yeah.

02:36:07.000 And then he was just like, here's what I'm kind of doing now.

02:36:09.000 I want you to design something with me.

02:36:11.000 I forgive him for dancing in the street.

02:36:14.000 That's in the street.

02:36:15.000 With him and Mick Jagger?

02:36:17.000 I forgive them.

02:36:18.000 I forgive them for arguably the most confusing sexually, at least, to a young man.

02:36:25.000 I'm like, what is happening with these two?

02:36:27.000 Who are they?

02:36:28.000 But him and Mick Jagger, I was like, what is this message?

02:36:31.000 You're confusing the fuck out of me.

02:36:32.000 I don't know what you guys are doing.

02:36:35.000 I want to know.

02:36:35.000 Are you guys platonic friends who just start dancing for For some strange reason?

02:36:40.000 Or it seems like you're flirting with each other.

02:36:42.000 Like, I need to know.

02:36:43.000 I need to know. 1.00

02:36:43.000 He did that shit all the time. 1.00

02:36:45.000 Mick Jagger's ex-wife got mean. 1.00

02:36:48.000 Said she found David Bowie in bed with Mick Jagger.

02:36:51.000 So she told everybody.

02:36:52.000 That's where, when you're a guy like David Bowie or Mick Jagger, it becomes really problematic being married to some normal person.

02:36:59.000 Because she's got this amazing story.

02:37:01.000 So what if they want to get together and figure out whether or not they're gay? 1.00

02:37:03.000 And David was like, oh yeah, I fuck all sorts of stuff. 1.00

02:37:05.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:37:05.000 Like, let's see if this is a shot. 0.99

02:37:07.000 Let's see what the fuck happens. 0.99

02:37:08.000 And meanwhile, this woman that Mick Jagger supposedly had some sort of a contract with, where they're not supposed to have sex with other people, she got all upset, and she fucking puts them on blast all over the world. 0.99

02:37:20.000 Probably put it in a book or something. 0.99

02:37:22.000 How rude.

02:37:23.000 Yeah, they're right next to each other.

02:37:25.000 Listen, that's privileged information, man.

02:37:27.000 That's not like regular people.

02:37:28.000 Yeah. 0.93

02:37:29.000 That's not like Bob, you know, the guy who fixes bikes down at the bike shop, and Tim, who's the UPS driver, who has friendly conversations with Bob, and catching them fucking in the men's room. 0.82

02:37:40.000 This is a bigger deal.

02:37:41.000 This is going to affect the record companies.

02:37:44.000 This is going to affect venues.

02:37:45.000 It's going to affect the people that sell tickets. 1.00

02:37:48.000 There's a lot of jobs attached to these two people, and you're just being rude just because you're a petty cunt. 1.00

02:37:55.000 What do you care? 1.00

02:37:56.000 What do you care?

02:37:57.000 Look at the way he's dressed. 1.00

02:37:58.000 Of course he fucks guys. 1.00

02:37:59.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

02:38:00.000 That was a shocker to you?

02:38:01.000 Doesn't make him any less awesome.

02:38:03.000 Makes him more awesome.

02:38:04.000 Look at him.

02:38:04.000 These guys are awesome.

02:38:05.000 Coming up from behind you there.

02:38:06.000 Can you imagine if you and I did a music video when we were doing this?

02:38:09.000 What is he doing?

02:38:10.000 How long do you think we could do this?

02:38:11.000 What is he sticking his fingers up in the air?

02:38:12.000 You and Duncan couldn't kiss each other for more than two seconds for a hilarious thing at a pay-per-view event. 0.86

02:38:17.000 My biggest regret is that is pulling away and laughing.

02:38:20.000 I didn't realize it.

02:38:21.000 I thought the camera was gone.

02:38:22.000 Did you give him any tongue?

02:38:23.000 Yeah, I gave him a little.

02:38:24.000 Did you?

02:38:24.000 Did he give it back?

02:38:25.000 You think I don't like Duncan?

02:38:26.000 But did he give it back?

02:38:28.000 Did you guys tongue?

02:38:28.000 We were locked in there, man.

02:38:30.000 I thought you guys were like just lips.

02:38:32.000 I didn't know you went tongues.

02:38:33.000 You gotta sell it.

02:38:34.000 Oh, you sold it.

02:38:36.000 What is up with the trench coat?

02:38:37.000 Is he warm or cold or what is he?

02:38:39.000 What is he?

02:38:40.000 Because it seems like they're both in different climates.

02:38:42.000 Like David Bowie seems like he's in a rainy London sort of climate, but Mick Jagger's in the Keys.

02:38:47.000 He's in the Florida Keys.

02:38:48.000 He's having a good old time. 0.99

02:38:49.000 He's like listening to Jimmy Buffett music or some shit with his blue pants. 1.00

02:38:54.000 What's going on with their butts? 1.00

02:38:56.000 What's that about? 0.99

02:38:56.000 Why'd they freeze-frame on that butt? 0.99

02:38:58.000 Is that you? 0.93

02:38:58.000 Did you do that, Jamie? 0.93

02:38:59.000 Or is that the actual video?

02:39:01.000 That's how it ends?

02:39:02.000 That's unfortunate.

02:39:04.000 Or fortunate, depending on what you're really into.

02:39:08.000 Dude, Ground Control to Major Tom?

02:39:10.000 Come on, man.

02:39:11.000 That's like one of my all-time favorite songs.

02:39:11.000 So you know what he did?

02:39:12.000 So he had this Ziggy Stardust character, and he was all coked up.

02:39:15.000 They had these Coke spoons as part of the exhibit.

02:39:19.000 All of his Coke spoons.

02:39:20.000 They didn't have anything.

02:39:21.000 Did they really?

02:39:22.000 Yeah.

02:39:22.000 So in his Coke rage, whatever he was in, he goes, there's this famous thing.

02:39:26.000 He goes, not only has you guys been a wonderful audience, and not only is this the last Ziggy Stardust show of the tour, But it is also, and the band has no idea what he's talking about, what he's gonna say, because this is also the last Ziggy Stardust show of all time.

02:39:42.000 And then he plays his last song and gets off.

02:39:44.000 And the band's like, wait, we're done?

02:39:45.000 That's how you're telling us? 0.99

02:39:46.000 We're fucking done? 1.00

02:39:47.000 Holy shit, that sucks for the band. 1.00

02:39:49.000 Yeah, and then he went and started just being David Bowie. 1.00

02:39:52.000 Wow.

02:39:52.000 But he had this character that was huge, and they're like, what are you doing?

02:39:54.000 Don't stop. 0.98

02:39:55.000 He goes, fuck this, I'm an artist, I'm developing. 1.00

02:39:57.000 I'm not gonna get stuck with that moneymaker forever. 1.00

02:39:59.000 Wow. 0.97

02:40:01.000 Well, he had some fucking really amazing songs, man. 0.97

02:40:05.000 Amazing songs. 0.97

02:40:06.000 And they were so original.

02:40:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:40:08.000 But his live performance, they showed him on the Top of the Pops, just like androgynous shit on like a late night talk show. 0.86

02:40:15.000 Not a late night talk show, just like a mainstream thing, and they're just like almost half kissing this guy. 0.99

02:40:20.000 And people are like, wait, what the fuck was that? 0.99

02:40:22.000 What did I just see? 0.98

02:40:24.000 Yeah, and the music was so unique.

02:40:26.000 You know, his style was, it was just, it was very specific, you know.

02:40:32.000 It was very David Bowie.

02:40:35.000 Yeah, oh my god, what a great song that is.

02:40:37.000 What a great song.

02:40:39.000 Yeah, he was awesome, man.

02:40:40.000 And it wasn't like, okay, when Michael Jackson died, everyone's a Michael Jackson fan.

02:40:44.000 Everybody.

02:40:45.000 Right.

02:40:45.000 When he died, it was sad, whatever.

02:40:47.000 But he wasn't still making music and stuff, you know?

02:40:49.000 So it was like, oh, it's too bad he passed, but it was either then or 30 years later.

02:40:52.000 We weren't going to miss out on anything.

02:40:54.000 David Bowie released an album last Tuesday.

02:40:56.000 Did he really?

02:40:57.000 Yeah.

02:40:58.000 The first hit is just on the radio right now.

02:41:00.000 He still has stuff that's being planned for radio releases in the next few months.

02:41:05.000 There was a rollout scheduled. 1.00

02:41:08.000 Fucking cancer, man. 1.00

02:41:10.000 He did a lot of stuff. 1.00

02:41:15.000 Allegedly.

02:41:16.000 I don't even think he hid from it.

02:41:19.000 Yeah, it's a bummer, man.

02:41:21.000 It's a bummer.

02:41:22.000 Did you see the Sean Penn thing?

02:41:24.000 Sean Penn went to El Chapo.

02:41:27.000 Sean Penn, I've completely changed my opinion about him. 0.97

02:41:29.000 I think he was a blowhard.

02:41:30.000 When he did that Chris Rock thing, I was very critical of him. 0.94

02:41:33.000 I was like, because Chris Rock made a joke, and he's doing his monologue, and he made a joke about Jude Law.

02:41:38.000 And Sean Penn comes out and goes, well, the reason why Jude Law works is the reason why I'm like, come on, man.

02:41:44.000 So I goofed on him. 0.97

02:41:46.000 But that fucking guy went to Mexico, to the jungle, to meet El Chapo and interview him and write about it for Rolling Stone. 0.99

02:41:54.000 Wow. 1.00

02:41:55.000 Just to be a journalist?

02:41:56.000 Mm-hmm.

02:41:57.000 Mm-hmm.

02:41:57.000 Dude, he has everything to lose.

02:41:59.000 He's got a family.

02:42:00.000 He's got children.

02:42:01.000 He's got money.

02:42:02.000 He's got fame.

02:42:03.000 He's got everything.

02:42:04.000 He has no reason to want to do this, and he decides to do it.

02:42:08.000 He decides to be...

02:42:09.000 And people are...

02:42:09.000 He did that with Congo, too.

02:42:10.000 People are criticizing him in this really bizarre way.

02:42:13.000 First of all, they said, one of these guys said, I read this tweet about it where he's saying, I wonder how Sean Penn feels about real journalists being killed.

02:42:23.000 Because the narcos have killed journalists that report on them.

02:42:26.000 Well, guess what?

02:42:26.000 He's risking his life.

02:42:28.000 You don't think they would think it would be funny to kill Sean Penn?

02:42:31.000 If somehow or another Sean Penn had irritated El Chapo and El Chapo decided to have him killed...

02:42:36.000 He must have known the risk of that.

02:42:38.000 This guy doesn't care.

02:42:38.000 El Chapo got out in tunnels.

02:42:40.000 I heard he was hiding out in Justin Martindale's asshole. 1.00

02:42:42.000 I don't think Justin Martindale's asshole is that little. 1.00

02:42:45.000 No, I'm saying that's the series of tunnels he dug out of. 0.99

02:42:47.000 You could find him if you looked in there.

02:42:48.000 Oh, right.

02:42:49.000 I mean that big.

02:42:52.000 So he interviewed El Chapo?

02:42:53.000 That's cool.

02:42:54.000 He went to Afghanistan during the beginning of the war, too, right?

02:42:56.000 Or Iraq? 0.64

02:42:57.000 One of those two?

02:42:58.000 To interview people on the street?

02:43:00.000 I'm not sure about that.

02:43:01.000 I wasn't aware of that.

02:43:02.000 But what he did with El Chapo was he got in touch with some Mexican actress who knows El Chapo.

02:43:07.000 She's probably got El Chapo's El Chapo in Santa Fe, you know what I say?

02:43:11.000 And El Chapo arranged a meeting and they had like specific conditions.

02:43:18.000 Like he had to read the story before it's published, which they've never granted before with Rolling Stone.

02:43:23.000 They don't do that.

02:43:24.000 And they agreed to it because it's just like such a crazy coup.

02:43:27.000 Otherwise legally I'm not gonna let you?

02:43:28.000 Not only that, it's Sean Penn is interviewing him.

02:43:30.000 But all these journalists are mad.

02:43:32.000 Is Sean Penn responsible for the fact that El Chapo has killed other people?

02:43:36.000 He shouldn't be sitting down and talking.

02:43:38.000 You don't want to see a conversation between Sean Penn and this killer guy.

02:43:42.000 He is being a journalist. 0.97

02:43:43.000 He's a killer, but okay, let's interview him. 0.98

02:43:45.000 Journalists would get Manson. 1.00

02:43:46.000 What is this catty shit, like, real journalists? 0.99

02:43:49.000 Like, don't say that. 1.00

02:43:50.000 Like, that guy, that's a crazy risk he took.

02:43:53.000 Undeniably crazy risk. 1.00

02:43:55.000 It's just cattiness for anybody to shit on it. 0.99

02:43:58.000 Like, to say that he shouldn't have done that. 0.98

02:44:00.000 Like, he's not gonna keep people alive by not going there.

02:44:02.000 And in fact, they believe that the paper trail, or the electronic trail, Of them setting this up is probably what led to them capturing El Chapo in the first place.

02:44:13.000 Oh, really?

02:44:13.000 Which they just did.

02:44:14.000 The whole thing plays out- Again?

02:44:15.000 They did again?

02:44:15.000 Yes, they just did.

02:44:16.000 Oh, he escaped and then he just caught him.

02:44:17.000 They only caught him like two days ago.

02:44:19.000 Oh.

02:44:20.000 And they caught him like right as this story is coming out.

02:44:22.000 And who's trying to catch him?

02:44:23.000 American still? 0.97

02:44:23.000 It's almost like fucking Rolling Stone set up El Chapo to make their story sell even better, Jamie. 0.97

02:44:28.000 Are you thinking that? 0.99

02:44:29.000 I can't believe you're saying that.

02:44:31.000 I don't know why you would say that, because I don't think the world works that way.

02:44:35.000 God, Jamie's like, conspiracies.

02:44:37.000 Do they sell the extradition stuff?

02:44:39.000 Oh yeah, they want to.

02:44:41.000 The United States is going to give Mexico a bunch of gasoline or something. 0.88

02:44:44.000 Why, because he makes drugs that come here?

02:44:48.000 Because, yeah, he sold drugs in America. 1.00

02:44:50.000 So we get to pull them out of his country of jurisdiction, because they can't keep that fucker locked up. 1.00

02:44:55.000 We can keep him locked up. 0.99

02:44:57.000 Can you guys help us with holding this joker? 0.99

02:45:00.000 He fucking escaped twice. 0.99

02:45:01.000 We're done with this. 1.00

02:45:03.000 Let's stop.

02:45:05.000 I've completely changed my opinion on Sean Penn.

02:45:07.000 What are you going to pee?

02:45:08.000 I knew it.

02:45:09.000 The interview was in October.

02:45:10.000 Go pee.

02:45:11.000 It was in October?

02:45:12.000 Yeah, but it's just coming out now, right?

02:45:14.000 Yeah, which might be added to your...

02:45:15.000 It might be added to why would Rolling Stone release it now?

02:45:19.000 Conspiracy, my brother.

02:45:20.000 It's the Illuminati.

02:45:21.000 It controls all of the media.

02:45:23.000 Do you think he can get in trouble for doing this at all?

02:45:26.000 Sean Penn?

02:45:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:45:27.000 Fuck yeah, for sure. 1.00

02:45:29.000 Look, man, he just got a story with one of the biggest drug dealers, or apparently the biggest drug dealer, if he's to be believed, ever. 1.00

02:45:39.000 That's ever lived.

02:45:40.000 Other than the CIA. That's ever lived, allegedly.

02:45:45.000 Come on, man.

02:45:46.000 I mean, of course you can get in trouble for that.

02:45:47.000 That's a dangerous move.

02:45:48.000 Like, anybody that says that what Sean Penn did didn't take any courage is crazy.

02:45:56.000 Why criticize it?

02:45:58.000 Just look at it what it is.

02:45:59.000 He had a conversation with a known gangster of incredible reputation.

02:46:08.000 I mean, that's what that guy is.

02:46:09.000 He's a known gangster of incredible reputation.

02:46:13.000 And Sean Penn met him in the jungle in Mexico.

02:46:16.000 You don't think that's a ballsy move?

02:46:17.000 That's like one of the ballsiest moves that a person can do as a journalist.

02:46:22.000 What?

02:46:23.000 What Sean Penn did.

02:46:24.000 But to do it as a movie star? 1.00

02:46:26.000 A fucking guy who's won Oscars? 0.99

02:46:28.000 Or at least an Oscar, right? 1.00

02:46:29.000 He's won an Oscar, right?

02:46:30.000 I think so, yeah. 1.00

02:46:31.000 Look, he's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:46:32.000 I rescind my previous criticism. 1.00

02:46:36.000 Very big of you.

02:46:36.000 I heard that it's obviously a conspiracy thing, but I heard that the Mexican government might have let El Chapo out to get the cartels and gangs under control because once they arrested him, there was a vacuum.

02:46:48.000 Now that he was out, he got everything wrapped up.

02:46:51.000 Now they've pulled him back in, which is why he's been arrested again.

02:46:55.000 Jamie's with his conspiracies over here.

02:46:56.000 I heard this on the radio today.

02:46:57.000 How dare you?

02:46:58.000 How dare you repeat these?

02:47:01.000 Probably... 1.00

02:47:01.000 Who the fuck knows? 1.00

02:47:02.000 I don't think they let him out. 0.99

02:47:03.000 I think somebody paid a shitload of money to have somebody dig a tunnel, and I don't think they do a good job of watching their prison.

02:47:11.000 That's most likely...

02:47:11.000 Or probably there's probably some people in on it that probably got paid too.

02:47:15.000 Definitely, right?

02:47:16.000 That's why they want to keep him here in the good old U.S. way.

02:47:19.000 We got him locked down, Ari. 1.00

02:47:20.000 We're done with this shit. 1.00

02:47:21.000 We're going to take him down to Quantico, put him down in that fucking place we got there in the bottom of the Denver airport. 1.00

02:47:28.000 That's where he is. 0.99

02:47:29.000 Denver airport prison.

02:47:31.000 The place they always talk about.

02:47:33.000 I want to see that place.

02:47:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:47:35.000 I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. 1.00

02:47:37.000 It's probably a jail down there. 1.00

02:47:39.000 I think a lot of airports have a jail.

02:47:43.000 Doesn't Fenway Park have a jail, too?

02:47:44.000 I might have made that up.

02:47:46.000 I don't know.

02:47:46.000 I can see that.

02:47:48.000 But yeah, so El Chapo got captured.

02:47:51.000 And Sean Penn wrote...

02:47:51.000 That's pretty cool, though.

02:47:52.000 He went down there and fucking... 0.99

02:47:53.000 Yeah, it's not the best story. 0.99

02:47:55.000 Writing needs a little work.

02:47:56.000 A little dry in points.

02:47:59.000 But you still say it's wrong for him to go like, he's one of our finest actors.

02:48:03.000 What he did was just unnecessary.

02:48:05.000 And he was just trying to stand up for a guy that he has a deep respect for.

02:48:09.000 It's his craft.

02:48:10.000 Who doesn't get comedy.

02:48:11.000 Right.

02:48:11.000 But it's his craft.

02:48:12.000 He doesn't have to.

02:48:13.000 To be who he is, to be able to do Harvey Milk, and to also be able to do the Fast Times at Ridgemont and the Irish Mob Guy. 0.89

02:48:21.000 He obviously knows how to get into his work. 1.00

02:48:24.000 He doesn't do a shit job. 0.98

02:48:25.000 He's not doing an American Sniper, right? 0.99

02:48:28.000 Have you ever seen a movie where he plays it where it seems like he's just phoning it in?

02:48:32.000 Like moments you saw American Sniper and you're like, this is not real.

02:48:35.000 You know?

02:48:36.000 You don't see Sean Penn in those movies.

02:48:39.000 Here's the scene where you're criticizing.

02:48:41.000 The Bradley Cooper scene where the girlfriend was banging another guy and it just seems all fake.

02:48:45.000 Could you imagine Sean Penn in that scene?

02:48:47.000 No, of course you can.

02:48:48.000 He would figure out how to make it more real. 1.00

02:48:51.000 Better shut up, brother. 0.98

02:48:52.000 He would figure out how to make it more real or he wouldn't be doing it. 0.99

02:48:55.000 His quality of work...

02:48:58.000 Is definitely to be respected like there's a few guys like that that have that Daniel Day-Lewis you know him Russell Crowe there's like there's a few people that have this ability to like transform into like Mariel Hemingway oh yeah Russell Crowe puts out some stuff although he's always pretty good Faye Dunaway Faye Dunaway like from the beginning man you ever watch that's the original stoner that's the original rendition of a stoner the original like everyone else is doing an impression of that now I'm so wasted Remember when he beats the sneaker against his

02:49:28.000 head?

02:49:28.000 That was my head!

02:49:30.000 That was my head.

02:49:32.000 Did you ever see Chinatown, Faye Dunaway?

02:49:35.000 I don't know.

02:49:36.000 Good lord.

02:49:37.000 Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway in Chinatown? 1.00

02:49:39.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:49:41.000 Yeah, there's some fucking people. 1.00

02:49:43.000 You know, who's that broad that's in all the Coen Brothers movies? 1.00

02:49:46.000 She's really awesome.

02:49:47.000 She was in Fargo.

02:49:49.000 She's amazing.

02:49:50.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, with the accent. 1.00

02:49:53.000 God damn it. 0.98

02:49:54.000 She was in the movie Fargo. 0.99

02:49:55.000 She's been in everything, yeah.

02:49:56.000 She's been in the movie Fargo.

02:49:57.000 Frances McDormand.

02:49:58.000 Yeah.

02:49:58.000 Yes.

02:49:59.000 She's one of those people that become... 0.89

02:50:01.000 Kathy Bates.

02:50:03.000 Yeah, I don't care that I know who it is.

02:50:07.000 She's so good.

02:50:08.000 You lose yourself.

02:50:08.000 Yeah, if I go to see a movie and I'm like, oh, that's that guy.

02:50:11.000 How'd that guy get to play that guy?

02:50:13.000 It doesn't make any sense.

02:50:14.000 Wait a minute.

02:50:16.000 Seth Rogen is Steve Wozniak?

02:50:18.000 No, he's not.

02:50:19.000 It's Seth Rogen.

02:50:20.000 What's going on here?

02:50:21.000 He's playing somebody.

02:50:23.000 It's not that Seth Rogen's not good, but...

02:50:24.000 You know what I mean?

02:50:25.000 Like, I know who he is. 0.93

02:50:27.000 But she's so goddamn good, you don't care who she is. 0.95

02:50:30.000 You don't care that it's Frances McDormand. 0.96

02:50:32.000 When she's playing a role, you buy it.

02:50:34.000 Hook, line, and sinker.

02:50:36.000 You're locked up in it.

02:50:37.000 Which is way harder to do.

02:50:39.000 You know, it's way harder to do when you don't know who the person is. 0.99

02:50:41.000 Like, in Ex Machina, I didn't know who any of these fucking people were. 0.98

02:50:44.000 So it was perfect. 0.99

02:50:45.000 It just slipped right in.

02:50:47.000 But if one of those people had been Tom Cruise, and the other one was Nicole Kidman, it'd be like, come on. 1.00

02:50:52.000 I know who you are, fucker. 0.98

02:50:54.000 That's why it's hard to see whenever your friends book anything and you're watching a movie and you see Diaz or anybody you know or Maz Jobrani. 1.00

02:51:03.000 It's real hard to get lost in it.

02:51:05.000 Yeah.

02:51:05.000 Almost impossible.

02:51:06.000 When you know them.

02:51:07.000 Well, plus it's not fun to get lost in it.

02:51:09.000 It's fun to go, what's up, Maz?

02:51:10.000 It's Maz Jobrani.

02:51:12.000 That's what's fun, right?

02:51:14.000 Yeah. 0.94

02:51:15.000 Goddammit, Ari Shafir. 0.93

02:51:17.000 Are you enjoying your newfound success?

02:51:20.000 Yeah, man.

02:51:20.000 It's been great.

02:51:20.000 I get a little worried about certain things to keep track of.

02:51:23.000 You're traveling all over the world, though. 0.99

02:51:24.000 Traveling all over the world is real fun as shit. 0.98

02:51:26.000 I'm trying to do... 0.98

02:51:27.000 I realized I made this promise with Morrissey.

02:51:29.000 Paul Morrissey a few years ago.

02:51:30.000 We were in Denmark for some comedy festival.

02:51:34.000 Nope.

02:51:34.000 Excuse me.

02:51:35.000 We were in Montreal, Switzerland for some comedy festival.

02:51:37.000 Wow.

02:51:38.000 And then we went to Amsterdam afterwards.

02:51:40.000 And just for fun.

02:51:42.000 And we were like, let's go to two new countries every year.

02:51:44.000 Wow.

02:51:46.000 Just to visit or to work?

02:51:47.000 Whatever.

02:51:48.000 Either one?

02:51:48.000 Yeah.

02:51:49.000 I mean, one of the things I'd like to do in another country is see what it's like to do comedy there.

02:51:52.000 You should do a show in Thailand.

02:51:54.000 I did a show in Thailand.

02:51:55.000 How many shows?

02:51:55.000 Just one in Bangkok.

02:51:57.000 How was it? 0.99

02:51:57.000 Fun as shit. 0.99

02:51:58.000 Wow. 0.99

02:51:59.000 That was a lot more Thai people were there than in China.

02:52:02.000 China was all expats, maybe one Chinese person.

02:52:05.000 Wow.

02:52:05.000 Hong Kong has a mix.

02:52:06.000 But like Thailand, they speak some English. 0.72

02:52:09.000 Dude.

02:52:09.000 So I might do a show in India this year.

02:52:11.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

02:52:12.000 They speak English in India. 1.00

02:52:13.000 That's how when you get your computer fixed.

02:52:15.000 Yeah, English.

02:52:15.000 You're calling India.

02:52:17.000 In India, everybody speaks English.

02:52:18.000 So they don't have to...

02:52:19.000 They do it for not just expats, but for locals.

02:52:20.000 By the way, if you have an American Express issue, you're talking to someone in India.

02:52:24.000 That's pretty crazy.

02:52:25.000 I found that out.

02:52:26.000 Isn't that wonderful?

02:52:27.000 They renamed them.

02:52:27.000 My name is Fred.

02:52:29.000 I'm here to take your order.

02:52:30.000 What is the problem with your phone card?

02:52:32.000 What is this?

02:52:33.000 Come on, man.

02:52:34.000 American Express. 0.66

02:52:35.000 That is, again, racist.

02:52:37.000 It's offensively racist.

02:52:37.000 Just like he was saying the sumo sword.

02:52:39.000 This is more racist.

02:52:41.000 You're appropriating an accent. 0.85

02:52:42.000 No, it's racist if they rename those people.

02:52:45.000 That's racist.

02:52:46.000 Yeah.

02:52:46.000 Yeah, clearly.

02:52:47.000 Because they don't think Americans are handled- My name is Fred.

02:52:48.000 Doesn't someone have a bit on that?

02:52:50.000 Someone has a bit.

02:52:51.000 I had a bit.

02:52:51.000 I used to have a bit about it.

02:52:52.000 Was it you?

02:52:53.000 Yeah.

02:52:53.000 You know, Eddie Bravo had a real problem with those people at one point in time.

02:52:57.000 And, you know, Eddie Bravo is a real trickster.

02:52:59.000 He's hilarious.

02:53:00.000 Like, Eddie must have ordered, like, a prescription medication and used his cell phone as the phone number.

02:53:10.000 You know, like, when you get a prescription, like, what number do you leave?

02:53:13.000 He left his cell phone.

02:53:14.000 So, somehow or another, that got...

02:53:16.000 This is like in the...

02:53:19.000 Early 2000s, and somehow or another that got sold as a list.

02:53:23.000 You know how that happens?

02:53:24.000 They'll find out, like, oh, this guy buys prescription drugs, or this guy has solar panels in his house.

02:53:30.000 For whatever reason, you get a list.

02:53:32.000 That was like a big issue with people.

02:53:34.000 They would sell your information.

02:53:35.000 So he started getting all these phone calls from pharmacies, and there were these people that barely spoke English, and they're trying to sell him prescription drugs.

02:53:42.000 Because this was during the day where there was a kind of a Wild West period, where you'd buy all your drugs from Canada and overseas, and they would ship them.

02:53:50.000 And so you could get things without a prescription, like really heavy stuff without a prescription.

02:53:54.000 And so Eddie would keep these people on the phone forever.

02:53:59.000 I mean forever.

02:54:00.000 He would have these conversations with them and pretend that some noise is going on in the background and he would talk to them and say, what do you have that I can use?

02:54:09.000 Oh, hold on.

02:54:10.000 I'll be right back.

02:54:10.000 I have to clean my feet.

02:54:11.000 And then he would go and put the phone down for like five minutes and go take a leak.

02:54:16.000 He would get something to drink and then come back to it and then start talking to them about what different drugs. 1.00

02:54:22.000 What do you have that gets your dick on? 1.00

02:54:24.000 Do you have anything to get your dick hard? 1.00

02:54:25.000 And he would have these crazy conversations with these people. 1.00

02:54:29.000 And they would go on forever, man.

02:54:31.000 He would be laughing.

02:54:31.000 He would hold the phone up to his chest.

02:54:33.000 And he loves playing tricks like that on people.

02:54:35.000 Especially, like, he felt he had the green light.

02:54:37.000 Because they're contacting him.

02:54:38.000 So he would drag it on forever.

02:54:41.000 And they can't hang up, too.

02:54:42.000 Unless you curse.

02:54:43.000 Exactly.

02:54:43.000 So he was dragging it on forever, and he would go to give them an address to send it to her, a credit card number, but then he would have some ridiculous excuse he had to put the phone down.

02:54:53.000 He'd put the phone down for like 10 minutes, and then go back to it and pick it up again.

02:54:56.000 He would keep doing it.

02:54:57.000 Sorry, just one second.

02:54:58.000 I need to deal with this.

02:54:59.000 Yeah, he'd have like crazy fake arguments.

02:55:01.000 In the background? 1.00

02:55:02.000 Hold the phone down and fucking scream and yell. 1.00

02:55:05.000 And then, you know, say he was about to get raped and he'd call the police. 1.00

02:55:09.000 Would he record him? 0.61

02:55:10.000 No.

02:55:10.000 It was just for fun.

02:55:11.000 Just for the pure art of it.

02:55:13.000 He would do it for like, I'm telling you, man, he did a bunch of them.

02:55:16.000 I sort of remember those.

02:55:17.000 You remember those?

02:55:17.000 I sort of remember those, yeah.

02:55:18.000 Dude, he would get excited when the phone would ring.

02:55:20.000 Hello?

02:55:21.000 So what does this drug do?

02:55:22.000 Oh my god, I'm so glad you guys called me.

02:55:23.000 Yeah.

02:55:26.000 I just don't have that kind of patience.

02:55:27.000 I don't have that mind either.

02:55:29.000 You gotta be bored. 0.99

02:55:31.000 You gotta be crazy. 0.97

02:55:33.000 In a different way. 0.95

02:55:34.000 He loves doing that though.

02:55:36.000 He gets such a kick out of doing that.

02:55:38.000 Or he did.

02:55:39.000 I'm sure now he's too busy.

02:55:41.000 It's hilarious.

02:55:44.000 Yeah.

02:55:45.000 They don't do that anymore, do they?

02:55:47.000 Do you get calls?

02:55:47.000 No, they don't call you.

02:55:48.000 It's supposed to not have your cell phone.

02:55:49.000 Oh, is that what it is?

02:55:50.000 It's supposed to be like, you're not supposed to call my cell phone ever.

02:55:51.000 That was like a law of change.

02:55:53.000 Imagine if they didn't?

02:55:54.000 Yeah.

02:55:54.000 Good lord.

02:55:55.000 I think it only came from when people didn't have unlimited phone calls.

02:55:58.000 It wasn't like a standard.

02:55:59.000 Oh, right. 0.99

02:55:59.000 So then it was like, hey, you're using up people's fucking time and money. 0.99

02:56:02.000 That's actually a good argument to keep it the way it is. 0.98

02:56:04.000 Yeah.

02:56:05.000 So now they can be like, what?

02:56:06.000 What's the difference?

02:56:07.000 Yeah, because if it's free, if you get all the minutes in the world all the time, then people are free to contact you for no reason.

02:56:11.000 Dude, even fax machines...

02:56:13.000 As soon as we had fax machines, within how long?

02:56:15.000 It was spam.

02:56:17.000 Spam. 1.00

02:56:17.000 Just like someone sending you some fucking ad. 1.00

02:56:20.000 Remember when you would call someone and the fax machine would answer? 1.00

02:56:22.000 Uh-huh. 1.00

02:56:23.000 You'd be like, you motherfucker! 1.00

02:56:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:56:31.000 Ridiculous. 0.97

02:56:32.000 Yeah. 0.89

02:56:33.000 All right, Javier, we're out of time. 0.99

02:56:35.000 We've got to wrap this bitch up. 1.00

02:56:36.000 Can I plug some dates or something? 1.00

02:56:37.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:56:38.000 Yeah! 1.00

02:56:39.000 You just ran your hour special, or you ran it?

02:56:41.000 I just ran my new hour, yeah.

02:56:42.000 In the belly room.

02:56:43.000 Yeah.

02:56:44.000 I walked in for a little bit, saw the cell phone bit.

02:56:46.000 It was hilarious.

02:56:47.000 Oh, thanks.

02:56:47.000 It was going well.

02:56:48.000 Thanks.

02:56:49.000 So, are you ready to do another one?

02:56:51.000 I'm getting...

02:56:51.000 I mean, I'm doing...

02:56:52.000 My hour on the road now is pretty solid.

02:56:54.000 Like, I don't feel like I'm...

02:56:55.000 The crowd's not getting a full good show.

02:56:57.000 But I'm deciding when I want to do it.

02:56:59.000 I think I'm going to hold off until October.

02:57:01.000 Because I'm going to do it in Edinburgh.

02:57:02.000 Oh, in Edinburgh.

02:57:03.000 For a month.

02:57:04.000 Say it right, though.

02:57:05.000 Don't say Edinburgh.

02:57:05.000 Edinburgh.

02:57:06.000 They'll get mad.

02:57:06.000 Edinburgh.

02:57:07.000 They're like, you fucker, you're running from here, stealing all the money. 1.00

02:57:10.000 So I don't want to waste that time on the material. 1.00

02:57:13.000 I'm like, I'm going to run it 25 times in the UK. That would make it stronger.

02:57:18.000 Yeah, we'll definitely adapt you to that environment, too.

02:57:22.000 You know, you get a groove, like what audiences are like in different countries, and you're there for a few days, especially.

02:57:27.000 My last special, I ran in 10 countries.

02:57:29.000 Wow.

02:57:30.000 Yeah.

02:57:31.000 Perfect.

02:57:32.000 Yeah.

02:57:33.000 I like, you know, getting it to everybody and seeing if it works everywhere.

02:57:37.000 Smart move, man.

02:57:38.000 It's smart.

02:57:38.000 You know how guys in one town, they'll develop a style that's suitable to one town.

02:57:44.000 We started on 3rd Street.

02:57:46.000 Yeah, it might not work in Chicago. 0.98

02:57:48.000 They're like, what the fuck is 3rd Street? 0.95

02:57:49.000 I don't know what you're talking about. 0.55

02:57:50.000 I have this bit about apartment brokers in New York, and it's like, it doesn't.

02:57:54.000 I've got to make it work outside of New York.

02:57:56.000 Yeah, it's hard.

02:57:57.000 Regional material is hard.

02:57:59.000 But anyway, every two weeks I'm going to be doing my storyteller show at the Belly Room. 0.99

02:58:02.000 Oh, shit. 0.94

02:58:03.000 The 19th is the next one, and then whatever, it's two weeks after that. 1.00

02:58:06.000 But I've got Irvine, I'm doing my hour, but I'll be in Denver.

02:58:10.000 AriTheGreat.com?

02:58:11.000 AriTheGreat.com for tickets.

02:58:13.000 Or AriShafir.com?

02:58:15.000 In Denver with Steve Simone on the 28th, 29th, 30th, 31st.

02:58:17.000 At the Comedy Works?

02:58:18.000 At the Comedy.

02:58:18.000 Greatest club on the planet Earth?

02:58:20.000 Yeah.

02:58:21.000 Or one of them?

02:58:22.000 Indianapolis, Tempe.

02:58:24.000 Everything's at AriTheGreat.com.

02:58:29.000 AriTheMotherfuckingGreat.com And if you like sports, check out the sports podcast to do with Sam Tripoli and Jason Tebow called Punch Drunk Sports.

02:58:34.000 Oh, that's right, ladies and gentlemen. 0.95

02:58:35.000 We have Nate Diaz and Nick Diaz calling all the time.

02:58:37.000 And how about the Skeptic Tank?

02:58:39.000 The Skeptic Tank, your podcast.

02:58:41.000 Don't forget that.

02:58:42.000 Ari's for the Skeptic Tank.

02:58:42.000 That's right.

02:58:42.000 That's another good one.

02:58:43.000 He's got a fucking podcast, too. 0.98

02:58:44.000 This week, coming out later today, I guess, is the Ari Shaffir interview by Danish and O'Neal. 0.99

02:58:50.000 Good googly moogly, ladies and gentlemen.

02:58:52.000 Alright, that's it.

02:58:53.000 You listen to it sometimes.

02:58:54.000 Thanks.

02:58:54.000 I do.

02:58:55.000 I listen to your podcast all the time.

02:58:56.000 That's cool. 1.00

02:58:56.000 Good night, you fucks. 1.00

02:58:57.000 We love you. 1.00

02:58:58.000 See you tomorrow.

02:58:59.000 Bye-bye.

The Joe Rogan Experience - January 11, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #745 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript