The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #76

00:00:00.000 Oh, shoot.

00:00:07.000 Oh.

00:00:08.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:10.000 It's sexy too because it's English.

00:00:22.000 Yeah, who?

00:00:22.000 Do you know that person?

00:00:23.000 No, she's not even real.

00:00:24.000 She's a robot.

00:00:25.000 But I just think of her as some dirty bitch in England.

00:00:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:00:28.000 She's really dedicated to working for me.

00:00:31.000 Cricket feet?

00:00:32.000 Yeah.

00:00:32.000 No, no, no.

00:00:32.000 Nice feet.

00:00:33.000 Oh, she does?

00:00:34.000 She's hot.

00:00:35.000 Oh, she is.

00:00:35.000 She's a fake.

00:00:36.000 Weird teeth, though.

00:00:37.000 I don't mind.

00:00:38.000 A little space here and there.

00:00:39.000 It makes you work harder.

00:00:40.000 Space is fine.

00:00:41.000 It's the discoloration I can do.

00:00:42.000 I'm not down with gray.

00:00:43.000 Not even gray, but you know how sometimes they have like six different colors?

00:00:46.000 Yeah.

00:00:46.000 Or like bottle rot.

00:00:49.000 When did you stop sucking on your banky hooker?

00:00:53.000 Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Lee has joined us!

00:00:56.000 Yes!

00:00:57.000 Finally!

00:00:58.000 I mean, your army.

00:00:59.000 You have an army out there.

00:01:00.000 Dude, not mine, man.

00:01:02.000 They have their own.

00:01:03.000 Speaking of army, before we get started, we have to do business.

00:01:06.000 We are sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:01:09.000 If you go to fleshlight.com or if you go to JoeRogan.net, there's a link for The Fleshlight.

00:01:13.000 Click on it and enter in the code name ROGAN. You get 15% off.

00:01:16.000 I have one.

00:01:17.000 You ever use one of those?

00:01:17.000 I have one.

00:01:18.000 The thing is, is those beads.

00:01:20.000 Have you seen the blue one?

00:01:21.000 The beads.

00:01:22.000 The avatar one?

00:01:22.000 No, it looks like a flashlight, right?

00:01:25.000 Right.

00:01:25.000 And you stick the thing inside it, right?

00:01:27.000 Yeah, that one.

00:01:28.000 I have that.

00:01:29.000 I have these little beads that you turn on.

00:01:31.000 You stick your balls in it.

00:01:32.000 I know, but there's these beads on mine that you put in and it vibrates.

00:01:37.000 It's three beads and it goes on the side.

00:01:39.000 If you open that up, you can put beads inside.

00:01:41.000 But the beads only last five minutes, right?

00:01:43.000 And I take ten minutes to do it.

00:01:46.000 Oh, so the last five minutes you're just holding your breath?

00:01:48.000 No, I have a whole system in the side.

00:01:50.000 I have all these batteries.

00:01:52.000 Well, why don't you just have two?

00:01:54.000 And then you have two fleshlights, and so you have one on standby.

00:01:57.000 Because cleaning them is a half an hour thing.

00:01:59.000 Half an hour?

00:02:00.000 What, do you use a toothbrush?

00:02:01.000 No, no, no.

00:02:02.000 I use hot oil.

00:02:03.000 You use hot oil to clean them?

00:02:04.000 No, no, no.

00:02:05.000 What, from the Gulf?

00:02:05.000 No, no, no.

00:02:07.000 No, I microwave oil for five seconds.

00:02:11.000 And then you get it warm.

00:02:12.000 You can't do it too hot.

00:02:12.000 I did it once, and I scalded my thighs.

00:02:14.000 Ah!

00:02:14.000 Oh no!

00:02:15.000 Yeah, but it burns.

00:02:16.000 But yeah, you put the oil in it.

00:02:19.000 And then you put the beads in it.

00:02:20.000 It vibrates.

00:02:21.000 It's so good.

00:02:24.000 I've never heard of it.

00:02:25.000 It's like making love to an android, which is my fantasy dream.

00:02:30.000 But the beads run out of energy.

00:02:33.000 So only five minutes for these whack-ass beads, huh?

00:02:36.000 Yeah, and brand new.

00:02:36.000 You have to put three of those watch batteries, the little tiny ones, in them.

00:02:41.000 What?

00:02:42.000 Three tiny watch batteries.

00:02:43.000 You're talking about $30 a pop when you're doing it.

00:02:45.000 Wow.

00:02:45.000 Where do you get these beads?

00:02:46.000 I've never even heard of these beads.

00:02:48.000 Open that up.

00:02:49.000 I bet you there's bead slots.

00:02:51.000 No.

00:02:52.000 Take the...

00:02:53.000 Are you sure you're not talking about a competitor?

00:02:55.000 No, that's it.

00:02:57.000 You tell me what the slots are.

00:02:59.000 On mine, I have three slots here.

00:03:02.000 Oh, so yours is designed for it specifically?

00:03:04.000 It is a flashlight, but it's a different one.

00:03:06.000 It's a different one.

00:03:07.000 You stick in there and go...

00:03:08.000 Oh, maybe you've got a vibrator model or something.

00:03:10.000 Oh, yes, they do have the vibrator models.

00:03:12.000 I remember seeing that.

00:03:13.000 Yeah, yeah, I have that one.

00:03:14.000 But it's the same.

00:03:15.000 It looks exactly the same.

00:03:16.000 It's a very...

00:03:17.000 You know, this is a controversial thing, man.

00:03:18.000 I do a whole series of...

00:03:20.000 I do a whole bit about it on stage, but this really is controversy.

00:03:24.000 Why?

00:03:24.000 Because people didn't want me getting sponsored by a fake vagina.

00:03:28.000 Why?

00:03:28.000 Like, somehow or another, it's bad for your reputation.

00:03:30.000 Does it really take you 10 minutes to come?

00:03:33.000 Yeah, because...

00:03:34.000 Now, when you have regular sex, does it take you 10 minutes?

00:03:37.000 No.

00:03:37.000 It takes you longer?

00:03:38.000 Can I say something?

00:03:38.000 Can I say something to you?

00:03:39.000 Sure.

00:03:40.000 I'm being very specific on my porn.

00:03:42.000 The thing is that I need the interview.

00:03:45.000 You know the interview?

00:03:46.000 The interview where the girl sits down, so where you're from?

00:03:50.000 I'm from Ohio.

00:03:51.000 How much porn have you done?

00:03:52.000 Not that much.

00:03:53.000 This is my second time.

00:03:54.000 Or first.

00:03:54.000 And I need to sense a little fear.

00:03:57.000 Inner voice, right?

00:03:58.000 And then check it out.

00:03:59.000 You know the first time when they do it?

00:04:00.000 The first timers?

00:04:02.000 When the penis goes in the vagina, I have to look at their eyes.

00:04:05.000 In the eyes, they have to question their decision.

00:04:09.000 That's how you get excited?

00:04:10.000 Yeah, you know how when the penis goes in, they have to go, Mom?

00:04:14.000 Do you associate that with any past sexual experiences where you see the look in the girl's eyes?

00:04:18.000 She's like, what the fuck is Bobby Lee doing inside me?

00:04:22.000 And then you get excited, like, tricked him again, Josie!

00:04:25.000 No, no, no.

00:04:26.000 I think what it is is this.

00:04:27.000 I think that my penis, it's not even an ethnic thing, but my penis is abnormally small.

00:04:33.000 I don't care about it because, you know what I mean, I'm rapping.

00:04:35.000 Like how small?

00:04:36.000 It's just small.

00:04:37.000 Like thumb?

00:04:38.000 Like your thumb?

00:04:38.000 No, yeah, it's thicker than that.

00:04:40.000 Alright.

00:04:41.000 But the thing is, is that, and girls, you know, they like my bubbly personality.

00:04:44.000 I'm like a Dreamweaver, you know what I mean?

00:04:46.000 And, you know what I mean?

00:04:46.000 You're fun.

00:04:47.000 Yeah, I'm a cute, you know what I mean?

00:04:48.000 I tickle, you know what I mean?

00:04:50.000 I giggle.

00:04:50.000 You're fun to be around.

00:04:51.000 Yeah, I giggle.

00:04:51.000 You bring a party.

00:04:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:04:53.000 And so then all of a sudden this party's fucking your mouth.

00:04:55.000 You're like, hey.

00:04:56.000 Yeah, and when I'm out with a girl, I look in their eyes and I've never had the sensation of like...

00:05:02.000 Them going, oh, you know what I mean?

00:05:03.000 Like, it's too big.

00:05:05.000 Right.

00:05:05.000 You know what I mean?

00:05:06.000 I have a friend of mine who had that same problem, and so what he started doing was getting, he got a strap on.

00:05:11.000 He got this crazy thing that covers his dick.

00:05:14.000 And it was like, his dick would go on, and then this big fake dick would go over his dick.

00:05:19.000 And we were talking to him about it.

00:05:20.000 We were like, well, what's up?

00:05:21.000 What are you doing that for?

00:05:23.000 And he goes, just once, I want to see a girl have a hard time taking it.

00:05:27.000 Yes.

00:05:27.000 They can always take it so easy.

00:05:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:05:29.000 I'm never hurting them.

00:05:31.000 So are you really big into anal?

00:05:33.000 No, I don't do that.

00:05:34.000 You think you would be, though, because most girls, even with your small dick, would be like, hey.

00:05:38.000 No, no, no, no.

00:05:39.000 Because for me, it's like, I want them to have pleasure, too.

00:05:42.000 Some girls like it.

00:05:43.000 I know a girl that likes anal better than regular sex.

00:05:45.000 She just wants anal all the time.

00:05:46.000 Yeah, there are girls, and they're called broken.

00:05:49.000 Yeah.

00:05:50.000 Those are the ones that also light your house on fire, by the way.

00:05:53.000 I also imagine if you do an anal and you don't have a condom on, that the poop goes into my hole.

00:05:59.000 It does.

00:05:59.000 And I don't need that in my life.

00:06:01.000 We talked about a terrible scene.

00:06:03.000 Did we talk about that on the podcast?

00:06:04.000 The Nani show thing?

00:06:06.000 Yeah, we did it last time.

00:06:08.000 Poop snakes are actually cool.

00:06:09.000 What?

00:06:10.000 Shut up.

00:06:11.000 What's a poop snake?

00:06:11.000 Stop it.

00:06:12.000 When you piss after anal sex and there's a little poop snake come out.

00:06:14.000 No, I don't need that in my life.

00:06:16.000 You should try it.

00:06:17.000 He's just talking about it.

00:06:18.000 He's being silly.

00:06:19.000 He does this all the time.

00:06:20.000 You can't take him seriously.

00:06:20.000 You've never had a poop snake.

00:06:21.000 Be honest.

00:06:22.000 Never.

00:06:22.000 I've tried poop smell, though, and that was the worst.

00:06:25.000 There's a girl I was having sex with a long time ago.

00:06:28.000 Back when I was 21, I lost my boner because I was banging her doggy style and I saw poop around her butthole.

00:06:33.000 I realized that she didn't really wipe that good.

00:06:36.000 And then I started smelling it because of the funk of the sex and the sweat.

00:06:40.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:41.000 Do you wetnap it?

00:06:42.000 Do you ever do that?

00:06:43.000 My butt?

00:06:44.000 Yeah.

00:06:44.000 Yeah, I wetnap my butt.

00:06:45.000 Oh, baby.

00:06:46.000 Yeah.

00:06:47.000 And that's respect.

00:06:47.000 You can't flush those.

00:06:48.000 That's respect, right?

00:06:50.000 You cannot flush those.

00:06:51.000 What?

00:06:51.000 You got to wipe yourself first, and then you got to get the baby wipes, and then you got to throw the baby wipes away, which is kind of gross.

00:06:57.000 Why can't you flush baby wipes?

00:06:58.000 Well, if you live in an apartment, go flush away.

00:07:01.000 But if you live in a house, eventually they're going to get clogged up and you're going to have to have a group of dudes come in your backyard and find this pipe stuffed full of your shit rags.

00:07:09.000 Are you sure you weren't using them breakables?

00:07:11.000 No, bro.

00:07:11.000 I use flushable baby wipes.

00:07:13.000 The flushable ones dissolve.

00:07:14.000 They never break.

00:07:15.000 They don't.

00:07:15.000 That's the thing.

00:07:16.000 They pretend they do.

00:07:17.000 They don't really.

00:07:18.000 They become like goo.

00:07:19.000 They don't dissolve like toilet paper.

00:07:21.000 Oh, they become goo.

00:07:21.000 And they get tied up on things.

00:07:23.000 Like if you have, like in my area, we have issues with, because we're kind of rural, we have issues with trees growing into your pipes.

00:07:30.000 You know, it's an issue like, well, there's so many trees out here, the trees will like grow through like a crack in the pipe.

00:07:36.000 Ah.

00:07:37.000 One of them became like a goddamn tree.

00:07:40.000 I mean, I posted pictures of it on Twitter.

00:07:42.000 It's so ridiculous, nobody even fucking believes it.

00:07:44.000 My toilet was clogged.

00:07:46.000 I couldn't figure out what was going on with it, so I had these plumbers come out.

00:07:49.000 They pulled a fucking eight-foot tree out of my toilet.

00:07:53.000 Oh, my God.

00:07:54.000 Maybe not eight foot.

00:07:55.000 How big was it?

00:07:56.000 At least five feet.

00:07:57.000 Yeah, like five feet.

00:07:57.000 It was pretty long.

00:07:58.000 It was like...

00:07:59.000 It was like your height.

00:08:00.000 No bullshit.

00:08:01.000 It looked like a muppet, like a swamp thing.

00:08:02.000 It looked like some sort of an animal, like somebody flushed some wood rat.

00:08:07.000 Are you worried that if they open up the pipe, they're stuffed with wet naps, but can't you just say it's my children's?

00:08:13.000 No, it's mine.

00:08:14.000 I don't give up.

00:08:14.000 I'll fucking own it.

00:08:15.000 I'm not going to throw my kids under the bus.

00:08:16.000 All right, all right.

00:08:18.000 That's ridiculous.

00:08:19.000 Well, you're not supposed to be...

00:08:20.000 The diaper wipes, you definitely don't flush, because they're really thick and coarse.

00:08:24.000 I mean, not coarse, but strong.

00:08:25.000 They would not break up, definitely.

00:08:27.000 But flushable baby wipes, those bitches don't break up either.

00:08:30.000 The guy told me, no, they say they break up.

00:08:31.000 People say, because I pulled them out of people's pipes all the time.

00:08:34.000 So they had to dig a hole.

00:08:36.000 But it was really...

00:08:36.000 The issue, more or less, was that there was a root that was blocking part of the area.

00:08:42.000 Not as bad as the one that was in the toilet.

00:08:43.000 The one that was in the toilet was fucking ridiculous.

00:08:45.000 I'll find it and I'll repost that shit on Twitter because it's just so silly.

00:08:48.000 It doesn't even make sense.

00:08:49.000 It's so silly.

00:08:51.000 It really didn't look real.

00:08:53.000 Like, I couldn't believe it.

00:08:55.000 That was after I'd moved to Colorado, so I'd left the house for a couple months and nobody was flushing.

00:09:02.000 Yeah, I just wish masturbating lasted longer for me.

00:09:06.000 Because to me, it's just like I seriously have to focus on slowing it down all the time.

00:09:10.000 Why not just get it done?

00:09:11.000 What are you trying to do there, fella?

00:09:13.000 No, that's with sex and everything.

00:09:14.000 I just need to slow it down.

00:09:15.000 With masturbation though, isn't that like you're just trying to get it over with?

00:09:18.000 Yeah, but I like to enjoy it, you know?

00:09:20.000 Do you really?

00:09:21.000 I mean, it feels good when you're doing it, right?

00:09:22.000 So why not have it go for like 10 minutes?

00:09:25.000 Well, the other day when I was in New York, I tried to masturbate to porn on the internet.

00:09:30.000 I couldn't finish.

00:09:32.000 So then after about an hour, I finished half hard.

00:09:36.000 And you always feel like a failure because my orgasm was like 50%.

00:09:41.000 And I just sat there with this marshmallow in my hand, just sitting there naked, sweating.

00:09:48.000 I failed at that.

00:09:50.000 I know what you're saying, man.

00:09:51.000 I couldn't even finish that off.

00:09:52.000 Wow.

00:09:53.000 I do feel you.

00:09:55.000 Me and Bobby were talking about how when we stay at hotels, we hate when the maid comes in.

00:10:00.000 Don't come to my room.

00:10:00.000 Don't ever come to my room.

00:10:01.000 And I didn't tell you that, but I did a Spider-Man at the last hotel we were at, and it must have hit the lamp because it started smoking.

00:10:08.000 What are you talking about?

00:10:09.000 Where I do Spider-Man in a hotel, where I throw...

00:10:11.000 Brian, people listening?

00:10:13.000 Well, we've talked about Spider-Man before.

00:10:14.000 No one listens to everything.

00:10:16.000 I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

00:10:17.000 When I masturbate in hotels, I'm like, fuck this, I'm in this hotel.

00:10:23.000 And I just throw the sperm at the wall like Spider-Man.

00:10:26.000 Or I throw it across the room.

00:10:27.000 And it still connects to your wrist?

00:10:29.000 No, it doesn't connect to my wrist.

00:10:30.000 And you can swing it through the room?

00:10:30.000 No.

00:10:33.000 That's so disrespectful.

00:10:36.000 Because some poor Mexican lady has to clean it.

00:10:38.000 I'm so mad.

00:10:40.000 It's so rude.

00:10:41.000 It's clear.

00:10:41.000 They don't clean it.

00:10:42.000 Yeah, but it dries, and then flakes, and you don't know what it is.

00:10:46.000 It's pretty obvious, dude.

00:10:46.000 But you know they think it's either mucus, or you know what I mean?

00:10:49.000 Or a load.

00:10:49.000 Or a load, yeah.

00:10:50.000 I can't even see where it goes.

00:10:52.000 Once I hit a picture frame, and I was like, oh, I better clean that up.

00:10:55.000 It's so disrespectful.

00:10:56.000 Once you hit a picture.

00:10:58.000 Or like a picture on the wall.

00:10:59.000 Yeah.

00:10:59.000 You got issues.

00:11:01.000 Masturbate and trying to enjoy yourself.

00:11:03.000 When I masturbate, it's for maintenance.

00:11:04.000 Just get it over with.

00:11:05.000 Done.

00:11:06.000 Enjoy it.

00:11:06.000 And then move it on.

00:11:07.000 It's even better.

00:11:08.000 A towel.

00:11:09.000 And she'll definitely touch the towels.

00:11:10.000 The problem with getting into masturbating is then you like Ari had that joke about having a bunch of windows open trying to figure out what to jerk off to.

00:11:18.000 You can get weird and obsessed.

00:11:20.000 You can get kind of...

00:11:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:11:22.000 You get a little caught up in it.

00:11:23.000 And there's some dudes who, you know, they get so caught up in porn, it becomes like a legit addiction where, like, they'll have a conversation with someone and they just can't wait to go away to their computer real quick and just look at porn videos.

00:11:34.000 I have to pay for my porn, though.

00:11:36.000 Really?

00:11:36.000 I can't do grainy.

00:11:37.000 It has to be high def.

00:11:38.000 Oh, really?

00:11:39.000 You have to be able to see the freckles.

00:11:40.000 You're the last guy.

00:11:41.000 The last guy buying porn.

00:11:43.000 Yeah, yeah, I really am.

00:11:44.000 Talk about a business that just got gutted.

00:11:46.000 I know.

00:11:47.000 I mean, that used to be a multi-millionaire business.

00:11:49.000 I mean, there was some billion-dollar business, right?

00:11:51.000 There were so many people in my neighborhood that were porn producers.

00:11:55.000 They'd be driving around in Ferraris, living a good life.

00:11:57.000 And I'd be like, look at this wild-ass rebel just filming fucking and making a billion dollars.

00:12:02.000 Yeah.

00:12:02.000 It's crazy.

00:12:03.000 It's kind of a weird thing.

00:12:04.000 There'd be a curiosity in the community.

00:12:07.000 All these mommies would look at him.

00:12:09.000 That's the porn guy.

00:12:10.000 That's where the porn guy lives.

00:12:11.000 The porn guy.

00:12:12.000 But now those guys aren't making shit.

00:12:14.000 That's done.

00:12:15.000 Done, son.

00:12:16.000 See ya.

00:12:16.000 If you're lucky, you can get bi now.

00:12:18.000 And if you're lucky, you get Charlie Sheen.

00:12:21.000 Well, look at these hookers.

00:12:22.000 These hookers can't stop talking about Charlie Sheen.

00:12:25.000 They're doing interviews.

00:12:26.000 I heard someone on Stern this morning.

00:12:28.000 Fucking Good Morning America interviewed one of the girls that fucked Charlie Sheen.

00:12:32.000 Way to go, Good Morning America, you whores.

00:12:36.000 Congratulations.

00:12:36.000 You are now Us Magazine.

00:12:38.000 And he allows you in his house, gives you free cocaine.

00:12:41.000 You get to watch movies that haven't even come out yet on DVD. You want to watch True Grit?

00:12:47.000 Oh, that's out in the theaters.

00:12:48.000 I have it.

00:12:49.000 Yeah.

00:12:49.000 Right?

00:12:49.000 They're doing cold.

00:12:50.000 You wanna watch Avatar 2?

00:12:51.000 I've got a rough cut.

00:12:52.000 Yeah.

00:12:52.000 They even made that thing.

00:12:53.000 You know what I mean?

00:12:53.000 And then they disrespect him by, you know, ratting him out.

00:12:57.000 Of course.

00:12:57.000 Yeah.

00:12:57.000 They're not his friends.

00:12:58.000 Could you imagine if that was your friend?

00:13:00.000 Imagine if a dude came over your house.

00:13:02.000 Forget about sex.

00:13:02.000 Just a dude came over your house and had, you know, hey, we all watched fucking TV at Bobby Lee's house.

00:13:07.000 He got nutty.

00:13:08.000 He takes his pants off, runs through.

00:13:09.000 And all of a sudden this dude is on, you know, the radio on Monday and he's telling the whole story about what he did hanging out at your house when you got crazy.

00:13:17.000 It's disrespectful.

00:13:18.000 Who the fuck is this guy?

00:13:18.000 Yeah.

00:13:19.000 You're like, that guy will never hang out at my house again.

00:13:21.000 Fuck this idiot.

00:13:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:13:22.000 Can you imagine that shit?

00:13:23.000 Can you imagine being that little kid from Two and a Half Men, how much tail Charlie throws his way?

00:13:27.000 Hey, I got this daughter, this girl I fuck.

00:13:29.000 The kid's like 12. Shut up.

00:13:31.000 Is he?

00:13:31.000 I think he's old now.

00:13:32.000 And also, that kid is so mad, probably, because the show can get canceled.

00:13:35.000 Oh, right.

00:13:36.000 Oh, yeah.

00:13:36.000 Yeah, they could all lose.

00:13:38.000 They're trying to say all sorts of shit, like, oh, there's Appendix Burke.

00:13:42.000 He had a hernia.

00:13:43.000 That kid's pissed, man.

00:13:44.000 Well, they all are.

00:13:45.000 It's the biggest show on television.

00:13:47.000 And by the way...

00:13:48.000 This is only helping it.

00:13:50.000 It's only helping it.

00:13:51.000 People are not going to stop.

00:13:52.000 Charlie Sheen is fucking, for whatever reason, man, he's grandfathered in.

00:13:57.000 Charlie Sheen ain't going nowhere.

00:13:59.000 He could do coke all day.

00:14:00.000 He could bang hookers.

00:14:02.000 He could threaten his wife with a knife.

00:14:03.000 It doesn't matter.

00:14:04.000 He's fucking smiling on camera on Monday.

00:14:07.000 I like how the LA police won't even do any investigations to these alleged cocaine briefcase charges.

00:14:13.000 I was like, wait a second.

00:14:14.000 If somebody has a briefcase of cocaine, maybe you should find out what the fuck.

00:14:18.000 No, no, no, no.

00:14:19.000 That was Ohio, they would.

00:14:20.000 First of all, it's all hearsay.

00:14:23.000 You can't take this hooker's word for it.

00:14:25.000 Or porn star, whoever's saying it.

00:14:27.000 First of all, there's that.

00:14:28.000 And then second of all, what are you going to do?

00:14:30.000 You're going to question him about whether or not he had cocaine for real?

00:14:32.000 And he's going to say no.

00:14:33.000 And then he's going to say, where's your evidence?

00:14:35.000 Where's this from?

00:14:35.000 And then the evidence is just some girl talking about it.

00:14:38.000 Unless that girl wants to go in and talk to the government.

00:14:40.000 And what does she know?

00:14:41.000 She knows a guy came over with cocaine.

00:14:43.000 You were doing cocaine, so you were doing something illegal too.

00:14:45.000 Yeah, well, sorry.

00:14:46.000 Does Charlie pay you to fuck?

00:14:47.000 Yeah.

00:14:48.000 You know that's prostitution.

00:14:49.000 Can I call my lawyer?

00:14:51.000 Come on, man.

00:14:52.000 TMZ has this awesome article on yesterday where Charlie Sheen's old friend or publicist or something like that used to hang in his life and get in a lot of trouble with him.

00:15:01.000 And then he kind of disappeared for a few years.

00:15:03.000 Well, lately he's been hanging out with this guy again.

00:15:05.000 So they found him the other day.

00:15:07.000 Charlie's been hanging out with this guy.

00:15:08.000 Yeah, Charlie's been hanging out with this guy again recently.

00:15:11.000 And so they found him yesterday walking on the street somewhere in Sunset or something.

00:15:14.000 And he had an Enjoy Coke shirt on.

00:15:17.000 And they're like, huh, interesting.

00:15:19.000 Oh my God.

00:15:19.000 It's also a testimony of what a great actor Charlie Sheen is.

00:15:22.000 What?

00:15:23.000 Just listen.

00:15:24.000 Listen to my theory, dude.

00:15:26.000 Listen to my theory, okay?

00:15:27.000 When you act, some actors get acting coaches, right?

00:15:30.000 They get the script, right?

00:15:31.000 They memorize their lines.

00:15:32.000 They have to go to table reads rehearsals.

00:15:34.000 This dude just shows up, you know what I mean?

00:15:36.000 Just after a two-night bender, right?

00:15:38.000 Once you've been on a sitcom for that long, it becomes very easy.

00:15:42.000 News radio, the last couple seasons was super easy.

00:15:45.000 News radio, we were working three days a week.

00:15:47.000 It was so easy.

00:15:49.000 And we would get a script, and then we'd fuck around with it for a couple of days, and then we'd put it up on Friday.

00:15:55.000 A sweatshop.

00:15:56.000 And no one watched it.

00:15:56.000 You guys worked hard, and you guys had weird guidance, man.

00:15:59.000 Yeah, we had nine Mexicans watch.

00:16:01.000 Those two dudes that were running it, man, those guys had odd tastes.

00:16:05.000 Oh, it was the weirdest show I've ever heard.

00:16:06.000 I hosted it once, and that's one of the times...

00:16:09.000 I knew you before that, though, right?

00:16:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:10.000 I hope that's where I met Brian Cowan and I hosted it once and I remember like talking to them about my like they wanted me to do a monologue and it's just like you know so I'm like all right I'll talk about this and I'll talk about that and yeah you know all right but it was just it was a real awkward I was like how the fuck did these guys get to be running some sort of a sketch show no it was the weirdest sketch show ever not only that it's like no one there was no like idea like people could just walk in We're a TV show.

00:16:35.000 I just had people walk and go, hey, in my hallway where my dressing room is.

00:16:38.000 Hey, man, what's up?

00:16:40.000 Who are you?

00:16:41.000 I'm watching the show.

00:16:42.000 How are you back here?

00:16:44.000 How'd they get back there?

00:16:45.000 I don't know.

00:16:46.000 No security.

00:16:47.000 I don't know.

00:16:48.000 Why did you guys film at?

00:16:50.000 I never met a security guard.

00:16:51.000 No security.

00:16:52.000 No, it was on Highland in Santa Monica.

00:16:53.000 It did sort of seem like a factory.

00:16:56.000 It seemed weird.

00:16:57.000 It didn't seem like a regular show.

00:16:59.000 And then we would have big storms sometimes.

00:17:02.000 Like Jackie Chan did it once.

00:17:03.000 Like, what are you doing here?

00:17:04.000 You're legitimate.

00:17:05.000 You know what I mean?

00:17:06.000 You're an international superstar.

00:17:08.000 It went on forever, too.

00:17:09.000 Yeah, and I behaved like a fucking asshole toward the end.

00:17:13.000 I pooped in Lauren Dombrowski's office floor.

00:17:18.000 On her floor?

00:17:19.000 Yeah, because I was so mad at her.

00:17:21.000 Why were you mad at her?

00:17:22.000 Because they deceive you.

00:17:23.000 Really?

00:17:24.000 Lauren Debrowski did?

00:17:25.000 No, she passed away.

00:17:26.000 I know.

00:17:27.000 I knew her from back in Boston when she was on a comedy team.

00:17:30.000 I love her.

00:17:30.000 She saved my life.

00:17:31.000 Really?

00:17:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:17:32.000 I love Lauren.

00:17:33.000 And the shit on her floor because you love her?

00:17:34.000 No, but it was as a joke and there were two actors writing in there.

00:17:38.000 Ike and Nicole Parker were writing and I go, stick this Tums in your asshole.

00:17:43.000 Just for a joke.

00:17:44.000 Tums?

00:17:45.000 Tums.

00:17:45.000 Okay.

00:17:46.000 So I stuck it in my butthole and then my butthole started foaming and then they both started laughing like really loud and then I shot the Tums out of my butthole and then a piece of poop came up after that, right?

00:17:55.000 And it was a huge laugh and then Lauren, poor Lauren, you know, walks in and she sees a Tums that's foaming and a piece of poop on the floor and I had to clean it up.

00:18:03.000 So stuff like that, you know what I mean?

00:18:05.000 Right.

00:18:05.000 Because when no one watches it and like we had free ranges to act just as crazy as...

00:18:11.000 Why was it so bad?

00:18:13.000 What was bad is because there's no real boss, right?

00:18:17.000 And also what happened was Fox didn't own it.

00:18:20.000 Warner Brothers did, right?

00:18:22.000 And so Warner Brothers didn't care about it, right?

00:18:25.000 Fox didn't care about it.

00:18:26.000 Right.

00:18:27.000 And no one watched it.

00:18:28.000 And I don't know how it stayed on.

00:18:29.000 But every year they would go, yeah, you're going to come back.

00:18:32.000 I go, really?

00:18:33.000 Yeah.

00:18:35.000 You know what I mean?

00:18:35.000 You and I used to have these conversations at the back of the comedy store where you didn't know what to do.

00:18:39.000 You're like, I don't know what to do.

00:18:40.000 I mean, they're giving me X amount of dollars a week.

00:18:42.000 It's a steady job, but it's fucking terrible.

00:18:44.000 It's terrible.

00:18:45.000 You fucking hated it, dude.

00:18:46.000 Oh, I hated it.

00:18:47.000 I mean, at five in the morning, you'd show up, no one's there.

00:18:49.000 You would have this look on your face, man, sometimes.

00:18:51.000 You would have this look on your face where you're just like, you didn't know what to do.

00:18:54.000 I cried a lot.

00:18:55.000 You fucking hated it.

00:18:56.000 I cried so much on that job.

00:18:57.000 So at 5 in the morning, you mean when you'd show up for work?

00:18:59.000 5 o'clock call, you'd show up.

00:19:01.000 There's no one there.

00:19:01.000 No one?

00:19:02.000 Yeah.

00:19:02.000 And then at 5.45, people start showing up.

00:19:04.000 I go, why did you call me?

00:19:06.000 Who runs this thing?

00:19:07.000 Right.

00:19:08.000 You know?

00:19:08.000 Call times are always brutal.

00:19:09.000 Oh, I hate it.

00:19:10.000 I hate when they get you in early justice.

00:19:11.000 They lie.

00:19:13.000 They're liars.

00:19:14.000 They are liars.

00:19:15.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:15.000 You show up at 5, and then you shoot at 8 at night.

00:19:18.000 Right.

00:19:18.000 You know what I mean?

00:19:19.000 Right.

00:19:19.000 Because, well, first of all, because comedians are irresponsible.

00:19:22.000 You have to take that into account.

00:19:23.000 Right.

00:19:23.000 You are, I am...

00:19:26.000 Joey Diaz is the most irresponsible person I've ever met in my fucking life.

00:19:30.000 Ari's fairly responsible, but even him is pretty nuts.

00:19:33.000 Another time I got in trouble, they sued me.

00:19:36.000 One of the actors tried to sue me.

00:19:37.000 Really?

00:19:38.000 It was her first day of work.

00:19:39.000 She finally gets on a sketch show.

00:19:42.000 She's on Mad Men and she was on the cover of Playboy.

00:19:46.000 What's her name?

00:19:47.000 Her name is Krista Flanagan.

00:19:48.000 Hold on, we're going to Google it.

00:19:49.000 Playboy, put that on.

00:19:50.000 Christa with a C? Yeah, C-R-I-S-T-A. One of my best friends in the whole world.

00:19:55.000 She is?

00:19:55.000 Yeah, she is.

00:19:56.000 How do you spell her last name?

00:19:57.000 Flanagan.

00:19:57.000 F-L-A-N-A-G-A-N. You guys, you have very weird friendships.

00:20:01.000 Why?

00:20:01.000 Because, you know, you're friends with somebody, you poop on their floor, you're friends with somebody, you get sued.

00:20:05.000 So you said she was in Playboy?

00:20:07.000 No, but yeah, but Flanagan didn't know me.

00:20:09.000 Her first day of work, five in the morning, she shows up and we had rehearsals in the actor's rehearsal hall.

00:20:15.000 And she's sitting on the couch.

00:20:17.000 I had no idea who she was.

00:20:18.000 She was eating yogurt.

00:20:18.000 Okay.

00:20:19.000 So I was so early.

00:20:21.000 I'm delirious.

00:20:22.000 I had like 30 minutes of sleep.

00:20:23.000 I walked up to her.

00:20:24.000 I grabbed the back of her head and I farted in her mouth while she was in yogurt.

00:20:27.000 Right.

00:20:28.000 She starts crying.

00:20:29.000 Joe, she started crying.

00:20:31.000 Right.

00:20:32.000 So then Ron Peterson, who you know who Ron Peterson is, right?

00:20:35.000 No.

00:20:36.000 The guy that went out with Natasha, you know, that whole thing?

00:20:41.000 Oh, yeah.

00:20:42.000 You know what the whole controversy between people are.

00:20:43.000 I know with Ari.

00:20:44.000 I know there was a controversy with Ari.

00:20:45.000 Where Natasha left with a mad TV guy, Ron Peterson is the guy.

00:20:49.000 She's very pretty.

00:20:50.000 She farted in her mouth.

00:20:51.000 You're a confident man.

00:20:53.000 What made you so confident to fart in this pretty girl's face?

00:20:56.000 I would fart in her mouth.

00:20:57.000 So then Ron Peterson physically attacked me, Mike McDonald on the show.

00:21:00.000 While you farted her?

00:21:01.000 No, after that because she started crying.

00:21:03.000 Right.

00:21:03.000 So you farted.

00:21:04.000 In her mouth.

00:21:05.000 In her mouth.

00:21:06.000 With yogurt.

00:21:06.000 Okay.

00:21:06.000 She was eating yogurt.

00:21:07.000 So she's eating.

00:21:08.000 You come by.

00:21:08.000 You fart in her mouth.

00:21:09.000 When you grabbed her, did your butt touch her face?

00:21:11.000 No, I had my jeans on.

00:21:13.000 Right.

00:21:13.000 But did your jeans touch her face?

00:21:13.000 But you know how it's powerful that you can go through two layers of underwear and jeans?

00:21:17.000 You felt a strong one.

00:21:18.000 Yeah, like that.

00:21:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:21:20.000 A lot of push behind it.

00:21:21.000 It doesn't go...

00:21:23.000 Did your genes come in contact with her skin?

00:21:26.000 Yes.

00:21:26.000 Really?

00:21:26.000 With her lips.

00:21:27.000 Oh my god.

00:21:28.000 Right in her mouth.

00:21:29.000 She started crying, and then check it out.

00:21:32.000 So who attacks you?

00:21:34.000 So Ron Peterson attacks me, right?

00:21:36.000 What does this Ron Peterson look like?

00:21:37.000 He's a Canadian comedian, actor.

00:21:42.000 So he comes after you.

00:21:43.000 Yeah, and Mike McDonald puts him in a headlock.

00:21:46.000 Puts Peterson in a headlock?

00:21:47.000 Yeah.

00:21:47.000 Is he punching you?

00:21:48.000 Because he's physically attacking me.

00:21:49.000 People do that to me all the time.

00:21:53.000 They just want to physically assault me.

00:21:55.000 I'm just one of those guys.

00:21:58.000 So then two days later, my manager, Abby, we had to sit there in front of the mad TV lawyers, and there was an awkward moment where they have it on tape.

00:22:08.000 They go, explain to me what happened.

00:22:10.000 So I go, I showed up at work.

00:22:14.000 And I'm like, I see this girl.

00:22:15.000 I don't know where.

00:22:16.000 She's eating yogurt.

00:22:17.000 She opened her mouth.

00:22:18.000 Anyway, I farted in her face.

00:22:20.000 In her mouth.

00:22:21.000 And then there was a 15 second awkward pause.

00:22:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:26.000 Where people were like writing things down.

00:22:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:29.000 And then one guy just says, why?

00:22:35.000 Right?

00:22:36.000 And I go...

00:22:39.000 You know what I mean?

00:22:40.000 And they showed up.

00:22:41.000 So I made a deal where I bought her a $500 gift certificate to Burke Williams.

00:22:47.000 Gave it to her the next couple of days.

00:22:49.000 And I wrote her into a popular sketch that I did.

00:22:51.000 And everything was fine.

00:22:52.000 Became very good friends.

00:22:53.000 Damn, fart in my mouth and make it Best Buy.

00:22:55.000 Wow, man.

00:22:56.000 You know, it's an unfortunate thing when people try to fuck around on sets and just have fun.

00:23:01.000 You never know right before you do something sometimes if it's too far.

00:23:05.000 Patrice O'Neill had a really funny point once where Patrice was talking about Imus.

00:23:11.000 About when Imus got in trouble for saying something about black people.

00:23:14.000 Remember that?

00:23:15.000 Yeah.

00:23:16.000 And he said that no one knows exactly what the fuck they're going to say before they say things like that.

00:23:23.000 And sometimes you say things that are across the line.

00:23:26.000 But that's where all funny comes from.

00:23:29.000 If it misses or it hits, it's still coming from the same place.

00:23:32.000 It's just trying to get a laugh.

00:23:34.000 And he's totally right.

00:23:34.000 That's what it is.

00:23:35.000 Yeah.

00:23:36.000 It's like people that aren't in the comedy business, man, they don't really understand that.

00:23:41.000 In order to be really funny, you can't really have very many boundaries.

00:23:45.000 And you know where we're from.

00:23:47.000 We're from like, you know...

00:23:48.000 The store.

00:23:48.000 The store guys like that.

00:23:50.000 I have so many pictures of you naked, dude.

00:23:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:23:52.000 I have pictures of you tucked, standing in the middle of the...

00:23:54.000 I've been assaulted there.

00:23:55.000 I've been raped there.

00:23:56.000 I've been...

00:23:56.000 All kinds of things have happened growing up in the...

00:23:58.000 I have a series of pictures of you with your pants down at the Comedy Store from over the years, where most of them he has his dick tucked in between his legs, and his legs pinched together, and your shirt is off.

00:24:10.000 Probably on a Sunday, too.

00:24:12.000 Who cares, right?

00:24:12.000 Yeah, it's probably a Tuesday.

00:24:14.000 And then you show up at a corporate workplace, like a network show, and you bring that into there, and they're like, no.

00:24:21.000 Yeah, no, no, no.

00:24:22.000 Yeah, when we were on news radio, there was a lot of chaos for a while because they would let us drink on the set.

00:24:28.000 So we would be done with the show and we would get fucking hammered.

00:24:33.000 We would get so hammered that no one knows this because I never took...

00:24:37.000 I shouldn't have done this.

00:24:39.000 We blamed it on some band.

00:24:40.000 We had a band that was at our studio or on the stage.

00:24:45.000 I forget what the band was.

00:24:47.000 Some, like, very heavy metal band.

00:24:49.000 So it was perfect, like, to blame it on them.

00:24:51.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:24:52.000 And they were in a scene with us.

00:24:54.000 God, I want to say Anthrax.

00:24:55.000 Was that a band?

00:24:56.000 Yeah.

00:24:56.000 They were, right?

00:24:57.000 One dude had a shaved head.

00:24:58.000 Yeah.

00:24:59.000 So, anyway, we were all hanging around.

00:25:00.000 It was me and Dave Foley and Maura Tierney just fucking smashed.

00:25:05.000 Smashed.

00:25:06.000 And then we're hungry.

00:25:07.000 Yeah.

00:25:08.000 And Maura goes, we can only get in the craft service room.

00:25:12.000 And I'm like, I can get in that room.

00:25:14.000 Yeah.

00:25:15.000 And I fucking Taekwondo'd the door.

00:25:19.000 I kicked the door, smashed the door frame.

00:25:21.000 Really?

00:25:22.000 Yeah, one kick.

00:25:23.000 I kicked open the door and went inside and we fucking chowed down, opened up the fridge, and then they were so pissed the next day they're blaming it on the band.

00:25:31.000 And we were like, yeah, that's fucked up.

00:25:34.000 Like, that's terrible.

00:25:35.000 Those guys were fucking...

00:25:36.000 And they were gonna, like, stop drinking on the set because of it.

00:25:39.000 Andy would get smashed.

00:25:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:25:41.000 And Andy would bring these shady fucking characters over.

00:25:45.000 It would just be strange smells coming out of this fucking dressing room.

00:25:48.000 It was just a fun, fun set, man.

00:25:51.000 That's the thing.

00:25:51.000 You don't get real good comedy unless you get the type of people that don't have that many boundaries.

00:25:58.000 Yeah.

00:25:58.000 People that'll go out there.

00:26:00.000 Yeah.

00:26:00.000 People that have pulled their fucking pants down.

00:26:01.000 All my friends that are comics, they pull their pants down.

00:26:04.000 They do stupid shit.

00:26:05.000 They say, I dare you to go do this.

00:26:08.000 They're probably going to do it if it's funny.

00:26:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:26:11.000 I've seen like nine, ten comics penises over the last week, so You know what I mean?

00:26:17.000 Like Chris D'Elia's, Polly's.

00:26:19.000 I've seen Polly Short's penis, I'm not even lying, 832 times over a lifetime.

00:26:23.000 You know what I mean?

00:26:24.000 And it's just, I didn't ask.

00:26:25.000 Chris D'Elia's penis look like Al Magical's penis?

00:26:28.000 D'Elia's penis, by the way, is very large.

00:26:32.000 Okay.

00:26:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:33.000 Anyway, but people don't know...

00:26:36.000 Tell that to Al Magical.

00:26:37.000 Was Magical's penis big?

00:26:39.000 No.

00:26:39.000 No, it's pretty large too, I guess.

00:26:40.000 No, I don't think it is.

00:26:41.000 It's impossible.

00:26:43.000 That Al Magical has a big dick?

00:26:44.000 Yeah, it's impossible.

00:26:45.000 Really?

00:26:46.000 How come?

00:26:46.000 I don't think so.

00:26:47.000 Because he's a-Hispanic.

00:26:49.000 What are you talking about?

00:26:50.000 Hispanics don't have little dicks.

00:26:51.000 They have huge monster dicks.

00:26:53.000 How many Mexicans are you blowing?

00:26:54.000 No, no, they're not blowing any Mexicans.

00:26:56.000 What are you talking about?

00:26:57.000 They have big penises.

00:26:58.000 They don't have small ones.

00:26:59.000 But they're not the black, big penis people.

00:27:01.000 They're not black people.

00:27:02.000 But neither are Irish people.

00:27:04.000 Well, Irish people are supposedly small penises.

00:27:06.000 No, they have thick penises.

00:27:08.000 Irish curse.

00:27:09.000 To me, the only difference between a Mexican guy and an Asian guy, except for culturally, but physically I'm talking about, is the eyes.

00:27:15.000 What?

00:27:16.000 Yeah, the eyes.

00:27:18.000 If you take a Mexican guy, you get him really high, he's fucking from Okinawa.

00:27:23.000 You're right.

00:27:23.000 Well, they are Asian, really, because what American Indians are, it's people that came down from the Bering Strait.

00:27:30.000 That's right.

00:27:30.000 Well, some people have a different theory that mankind started in America and they went the other way.

00:27:35.000 Hmm.

00:27:35.000 Well, you know, that's also possible.

00:27:38.000 Human beings have been around so long, they've made a bunch of recent discoveries that have way, way, way pushed back the dates of civilization.

00:27:45.000 We were talking about this on the podcast recently about Crete.

00:27:48.000 It's an island that's 40 miles away from the shore and it's been that way for over 5 million years.

00:27:53.000 And they found these stone tools that may be as old as 700,000 years old.

00:27:57.000 They're at least 100,000 years old.

00:27:59.000 So they know 100,000 years ago, dudes were getting on boats and traveling 40 miles.

00:28:04.000 I mean, that's amazing shit.

00:28:06.000 You know, there's a lot of shit we don't know about people, man.

00:28:09.000 There's a lot of shit we don't know about people.

00:28:11.000 But as far as like, what we do know is that the people that were in Asia are the same people that were North American Indians.

00:28:17.000 And then North American Indians got fucked by Spaniards and they created Mexicans.

00:28:21.000 That's what it is.

00:28:22.000 That's why some Mexicans look like Indians.

00:28:24.000 They look like, you know, you could just make a fucking headdress and he'd be sitting bull, you know?

00:28:28.000 And what else people don't understand is that, you know, Japanese and Koreans, which I'm Korean, right?

00:28:33.000 We have cacazoid strains in our DNA because there's, you know, we're from Mongolia.

00:28:37.000 Right.

00:28:37.000 And they're so close to Russia, right, that it mixed a little bit.

00:28:41.000 Sure.

00:28:41.000 You know what I mean?

00:28:42.000 So we have that, you know what I mean?

00:28:43.000 So I'm kind of white.

00:28:44.000 Well, Russia, there's a lot of parts of Russia, like Siberia especially, where the people look very Asian.

00:28:49.000 They look like Bjork.

00:28:50.000 Yeah.

00:28:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:51.000 So they have a weird, you know, sort of an Inuit look to them.

00:28:55.000 Yeah, it's a trip, man.

00:28:59.000 It's really a trip about Asians.

00:29:01.000 The real trip is the stereotype that they look exactly the same.

00:29:04.000 And they don't, of course, look exactly the same.

00:29:07.000 I don't have to tell you that.

00:29:09.000 But it is kind of weird that you have an entire group of people with narrow eyes and the same color skin and black hair.

00:29:17.000 I mean, there's like zero variation.

00:29:19.000 That's crazy that there's a billion people like that.

00:29:22.000 Yeah.

00:29:22.000 A billion plus, really.

00:29:24.000 I mean, that's really amazing when you look at the very minute amount of variation as opposed to European countries and even African countries.

00:29:31.000 But let me say something to you, okay?

00:29:32.000 It's just that, okay, I ran into you and Eddie once at the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

00:29:36.000 You guys were working out at the gym there, okay?

00:29:39.000 And I was maybe 100 feet away from you, right?

00:29:42.000 And there was probably 20 other Asians in my area, right?

00:29:45.000 Right.

00:29:45.000 And you from a hundred yards go, Bobby.

00:29:47.000 And I turned around, right?

00:29:49.000 Was it like that too?

00:29:50.000 Like, hey, Bobby.

00:29:51.000 Yeah, you yelled from like a hundred yards.

00:29:52.000 So I talk at the gym.

00:29:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:53.000 No, it wasn't in the gym.

00:29:55.000 It was outside the gym, right?

00:29:56.000 It was outside the gym.

00:29:57.000 And so you recognized me from a hundred yards away amongst Asians.

00:30:00.000 So we don't look alike.

00:30:02.000 Well, Bobby, I know who you are.

00:30:04.000 We're friends.

00:30:05.000 My eyes are good.

00:30:07.000 I'm healthy.

00:30:08.000 I eat carrots.

00:30:08.000 So what I'm saying is that we do have differences.

00:30:11.000 Sure, you have variations in the same theme.

00:30:14.000 The same theme over and over again.

00:30:16.000 Is that what you're saying?

00:30:16.000 Yeah, the same skin color.

00:30:18.000 Look, this is not racist.

00:30:19.000 There's a bunch of people right now.

00:30:21.000 This is not dedicated to you.

00:30:22.000 This is dedicated to the people that will start fucking complaining either on a message board or on Twitter.

00:30:28.000 I heard that shit you said about Asians.

00:30:29.000 It's so racist.

00:30:30.000 No, it's just an observation.

00:30:32.000 I don't find it racist.

00:30:33.000 To me, it's a fascinating thing.

00:30:36.000 There's nothing negative about it.

00:30:38.000 But what's fascinating is that, especially in China and Japan, there are a gigantic group of people that look very, very similar.

00:30:46.000 And there's not a lot of black influence.

00:30:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:49.000 Not a lot of European influence.

00:30:51.000 The fact that they were able to stay so pure for so long is really quite shocking.

00:30:55.000 When you look at the history of the human race, the human race has been around for however many hundreds and hundreds of thousands of years, that they've been so concentrated in this area that it's been Asians breeding with Asians.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:31:07.000 Almost exclusively.

00:31:09.000 But for a long time.

00:31:10.000 That's the reason why I've only dated one Asian girl in my whole life.

00:31:14.000 You said guy and slipped up.

00:31:15.000 I said girl, Patty.

00:31:16.000 I heard you said guy first.

00:31:17.000 Girl.

00:31:19.000 She was a Power Ranger.

00:31:22.000 In the space one.

00:31:23.000 When they went to space.

00:31:25.000 She was hot, right?

00:31:26.000 She was beautiful.

00:31:28.000 So when I was in the bed with her, you know how it's dark and your eyes get adjusted to the light a little bit, the darkness?

00:31:35.000 You saw yourself?

00:31:35.000 No, I didn't see yourself.

00:31:36.000 I saw the guy from Heroes.

00:31:38.000 I saw the lady from Grey's Anatomy.

00:31:40.000 I saw my uncle Han.

00:31:41.000 I saw Kim Jong-il.

00:31:43.000 I saw everybody.

00:31:45.000 Kim Jong-il.

00:31:45.000 And after that, I said, I can't do it anymore.

00:31:47.000 Wow.

00:31:48.000 So the girls that I date are always either six foot two blonde Scandinavian looking ones.

00:31:54.000 Wow.

00:31:54.000 Or like, you know, skinny tall Mexicans that are, you know what I mean?

00:31:58.000 But it cannot be Asians.

00:31:59.000 Wow.

00:32:00.000 That's crazy.

00:32:00.000 I knew a girl who was Chinese and she had a thing with her dad and just Asian guys made her throw up.

00:32:06.000 Like, she couldn't even imagine an Asian guy fucking her.

00:32:09.000 She's so sad.

00:32:10.000 Like, you poor kid.

00:32:11.000 Yeah, I'm the same way.

00:32:12.000 If you're so, just one group, just fucking whoever was the representative of that one group fucked up so hard.

00:32:20.000 Yeah, but that's, you know, the Asian parents are really the worst.

00:32:24.000 Really?

00:32:25.000 They are the worst because they come to this country and they just assume that they're going to have their children here and that they're going to be doctors and lawyers.

00:32:32.000 I mean, that's flat out.

00:32:33.000 There's like three options, right?

00:32:35.000 So if you come home with C's, you're going to get a beat.

00:32:38.000 I got beat so hard, bro.

00:32:40.000 Really?

00:32:41.000 Yeah, just beat because I got a C on my report card.

00:32:43.000 Now, how do your parents feel now that you're real successful as a comedian?

00:32:47.000 Do they accept that?

00:32:47.000 No, but when they first started doing stand-up, they didn't talk to me for years, bro.

00:32:51.000 Wow!

00:32:52.000 Yeah, I mean, I would say for birthdays, I'd go, happy birthday.

00:32:55.000 Thanks, Dad.

00:32:56.000 Okay, bye.

00:32:57.000 That's it?

00:32:58.000 Yeah.

00:32:59.000 Wow.

00:32:59.000 But I understand culturally what that's about, right?

00:33:02.000 And then when they saw me on The Tonight Show, Leno, like 12 years ago, I did it, right?

00:33:06.000 That was the first moment where they went, Oh, we fuck up.

00:33:12.000 We totally fuck up.

00:33:14.000 So my dad called me emotionally, and I'd never seen the guy cry before.

00:33:17.000 And he started crying on the phone and goes, I should have supported you, but I didn't because I never thought you could make it.

00:33:24.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:25.000 And I made a mistake.

00:33:27.000 That's heavy, man.

00:33:28.000 Yeah, and it was like the bond.

00:33:30.000 You know what I mean?

00:33:30.000 That they discovered that they made a mistake.

00:33:35.000 The whole time, like me getting bad grades in school, me getting kicked out of school, you know what I mean?

00:33:40.000 And all the behavioral problems.

00:33:42.000 You need that to be a comedian.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, I know.

00:33:45.000 I don't know a single comedian that got straight A's and fucking studied all the time and had a lot of options.

00:33:50.000 Maybe Dane.

00:33:51.000 Dane.

00:33:51.000 Dane did good in school, I think.

00:33:52.000 Dane?

00:33:53.000 Yeah.

00:33:53.000 I mean, that's his fucking problem.

00:33:54.000 Yeah.

00:33:55.000 I mean, that's the root of it right there.

00:33:58.000 And that's why my last point is the reason why that guy Chiu Sung-wee shot up Virginia Tech.

00:34:07.000 Because his parents were just super suppressive.

00:34:10.000 His parents, okay, always saw the kid talking to imaginary people.

00:34:15.000 Yeah.

00:34:15.000 In the park, you know, in like a park.

00:34:17.000 Right.

00:34:17.000 Right?

00:34:18.000 Now, a normal parent would go, oh, that is a mistake.

00:34:21.000 You know what I mean?

00:34:22.000 That's something wrong.

00:34:23.000 Right.

00:34:23.000 But since the kid was getting good grades in school, they just go, you know what?

00:34:27.000 He's getting good grades.

00:34:28.000 Ah.

00:34:28.000 Wow.

00:34:29.000 Right?

00:34:29.000 They never address the problem that he's fucking crazy.

00:34:31.000 Right.

00:34:32.000 Right?

00:34:32.000 Like, my parents, you know, I got bad grades, but I was always a good guy.

00:34:36.000 Like, if I saw a homeless guy, you know what I mean?

00:34:38.000 I would give them a dime or whatever I had in my pocket, you know what I mean?

00:34:41.000 And I was never an evil person, you know what I mean?

00:34:43.000 I had a good heart, right?

00:34:44.000 But they didn't acknowledge that part of me, you know what I mean?

00:34:46.000 Of course.

00:34:46.000 They only acknowledged that, is he getting good grades?

00:34:48.000 What college is he going to go do, right?

00:34:50.000 So as soon as the guy shot up the school, the Korean community harbored, okay, this kid.

00:34:56.000 The appearance of the kid.

00:34:58.000 So that's why you can't find an interview online with the parents, like what the fuck happened, right?

00:35:04.000 The Koreans harbored the parents, so the media couldn't get to them, then they shipped them to Korea.

00:35:10.000 They shipped the parents to Korea?

00:35:11.000 Yeah, the Koreans don't live here anymore.

00:35:13.000 Wow.

00:35:13.000 They live in Korea, hiding, you know what I mean, in Pusong or something, in some village.

00:35:18.000 It's kind of a fascinating thing that when someone does something fucked up, you never blame who made them.

00:35:22.000 If my dog goes out and bites people, all of a sudden, you asshole, what did you do with your dog?

00:35:27.000 Why is your dog so mean?

00:35:28.000 How come your dog wasn't contained in your yard?

00:35:31.000 But if your kid goes out and fucking shoots people and shoots up a school, nobody pulls you aside and goes, hey, what the fuck was going on when this one was being made?

00:35:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:39.000 I mean, you saw Jeffrey Dahmer's parents still defend themselves.

00:35:44.000 You can't defend that shit.

00:35:45.000 You can, but you can't rather, but who's to say that someone can't just be broken?

00:35:50.000 Who's to say that you can't just have normal people and this kid's just got a fucking wild screw loose, period.

00:35:55.000 And there's nothing you can do about it.

00:35:56.000 But can I say something, Joe?

00:35:57.000 And I disagree with you on this point, okay?

00:35:59.000 Because, you know, I met your daughters, right?

00:36:02.000 Just these well-adjusted, beautiful kids, right?

00:36:04.000 I guarantee you they're not going to eat somebody, right?

00:36:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:08.000 They will not eat somebody.

00:36:09.000 That's a poor example because that's just a few that worked out well.

00:36:11.000 We're not talking about the average person.

00:36:13.000 The thing about Dahmer is a perfect example because apparently he was never abused.

00:36:18.000 But his parents weren't together.

00:36:20.000 They weren't together, but that doesn't mean anything.

00:36:22.000 And the father, when he saw Dahmer with a dead dog, I brought home a dead animal, right?

00:36:28.000 Right.

00:36:29.000 To my dad.

00:36:29.000 Right.

00:36:30.000 I go, look daddy, I found a cat.

00:36:32.000 Right?

00:36:32.000 Right.

00:36:33.000 He beat the shit out of me until I could no longer even move.

00:36:37.000 Really?

00:36:37.000 And I never brought home dead cats anymore.

00:36:39.000 Did he make you eat it?

00:36:40.000 Right.

00:36:40.000 Okay, but this is...

00:36:41.000 This is...

00:36:43.000 This is a guy that was killing a bunch of things when he was really young, right?

00:36:47.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:36:49.000 He's one of the few cases, from what I've read online, maybe you know more about the case than I do, but from what I've read more online, there's no evidence that he was ever molested, never had any stories about it, and his parents were seemingly normal.

00:37:01.000 Maybe you're right.

00:37:02.000 Maybe you're right.

00:37:03.000 I don't know.

00:37:04.000 But I think a lot of it has to do with upbringing.

00:37:06.000 Nurture, yes.

00:37:06.000 A lot of it does, but maybe not all of it.

00:37:08.000 I mean, look, if someone can be completely psychotic like that Virginia Tech Struder or like many other serial killers, I mean, who knows?

00:37:15.000 There might be a variety of things that can go wrong.

00:37:18.000 It might not just be nurture.

00:37:19.000 It might also be nature.

00:37:20.000 That might be possible.

00:37:21.000 But there also, I mean, you have to admit, though, that there is a mental deficiency, right?

00:37:25.000 Sure.

00:37:26.000 Something going on.

00:37:27.000 Yeah.

00:37:27.000 And there are medications out there, right?

00:37:30.000 Are there medications that can give you a soul?

00:37:32.000 That's true.

00:37:33.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:37:34.000 Because I think there's some people that are sociopaths, and they literally, they have no feeling for other people.

00:37:39.000 All they think about themselves, we know a bunch of them.

00:37:41.000 We know a few comics that are sociopaths.

00:37:43.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:44.000 You know, Mencia is a clear sociopath.

00:37:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:46.000 No question.

00:37:47.000 Yeah.

00:37:48.000 You know, there's a disconnect between, you know, these people and reality.

00:37:53.000 For whatever reason, and almost all of them, it's some sort of sexual abuse when they're young.

00:37:57.000 Yeah.

00:37:57.000 Almost all of them.

00:37:58.000 Well, you know, Mencia, I guess it came out in a different way, that was what you're saying.

00:38:03.000 You know what I mean?

00:38:03.000 Instead of, like, slaughtering a village.

00:38:05.000 Well, it can come out in a bunch of different ways.

00:38:06.000 It can come out in drug addiction.

00:38:08.000 It can come out in, you know, prostitution, and girls who do porn, you know?

00:38:11.000 But you know my view on Mencia, you know?

00:38:14.000 That, you know, I see a side to him that no one, like you guys, don't see.

00:38:19.000 Play the music.

00:38:20.000 No, no, no.

00:38:21.000 I don't know what music.

00:38:21.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:38:24.000 Give me some love music.

00:38:25.000 Look, I know, you've been with him for a long time.

00:38:27.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:28.000 You know what I mean?

00:38:28.000 So I don't see the sociopath.

00:38:30.000 Well, you're like the neighbor that, you know, when, well, what was Dahmer like?

00:38:33.000 Well, he was a nice guy.

00:38:34.000 He always said hi.

00:38:35.000 Yeah, maybe I am the neighbor.

00:38:37.000 He was always kind to me.

00:38:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:39.000 Maybe I'm the neighbor.

00:38:39.000 You're the neighbor, right.

00:38:41.000 But the neighbor that doesn't get it.

00:38:44.000 Look, no one who's evil is evil to everybody.

00:38:46.000 I mean, fucking, maybe Ed Gein had a nice cat, you know, that he treated well.

00:38:50.000 Right, right, right.

00:38:50.000 I love that guy, Ed Gein.

00:38:52.000 Creepy.

00:38:52.000 Do you?

00:38:53.000 Well, just in the sense that, like, you know what I mean, inspiring these huge movies like, you know, Silence of the Lambs and...

00:38:59.000 Yeah, it's a fucking scary thing because he was doing it back when there was no other examples of it.

00:39:04.000 That was just what he's supposed to be doing.

00:39:06.000 It's not like this guy learned about it in movies and shit.

00:39:08.000 No, he was making clothes out of people.

00:39:11.000 Right, right, right.

00:39:12.000 I think making a lampshade is worse than making clothes.

00:39:17.000 They found lampshades from World War II that Nazis made out of Jews.

00:39:22.000 They found one recently.

00:39:24.000 It was preserved.

00:39:27.000 It's horrendous.

00:39:29.000 No one's going to buy that.

00:39:30.000 How could you put that out in your living room?

00:39:31.000 Sick of some people, man.

00:39:33.000 Did they make clothing too?

00:39:35.000 Or just lampshades?

00:39:36.000 Did they have Jew bras?

00:39:37.000 I think they just fucking slaughtered people and did whatever they wanted to them.

00:39:40.000 Don't ever say two bras.

00:39:41.000 Don't ever say two bras in front of me again.

00:39:44.000 Do you have in your house like a room devoted to Kim Jong-il?

00:39:47.000 Like newspaper articles all over a wall and circles and private investigator photos?

00:39:53.000 Do you know him?

00:39:54.000 Do you meet him?

00:39:55.000 Why would I know him?

00:39:56.000 Because it seems like he would be your enemy right now if I was you.

00:39:59.000 Why?

00:39:59.000 Because it seems like he's in everything right now.

00:40:01.000 Do you feel some kind of competition?

00:40:02.000 I don't know anything about the dude.

00:40:05.000 Brian has brain damage.

00:40:06.000 When he was a young man, he was asleep and he lived in an apartment.

00:40:10.000 And for years, carbon dioxide was blown on his head.

00:40:14.000 I'm not kidding.

00:40:16.000 Brain damage.

00:40:17.000 Can I just say something to you?

00:40:18.000 When I was born, I saw all the shows that you saw.

00:40:22.000 I lived in America.

00:40:24.000 I listened to the Beatles.

00:40:26.000 I smoked high with my friends on a hammock.

00:40:29.000 When did your parents come here?

00:40:30.000 In the late 60s, right?

00:40:32.000 And what's crazy about my parents is they didn't even meet in Korea.

00:40:34.000 They met here.

00:40:35.000 Wow.

00:40:36.000 They met in a disco.

00:40:37.000 And they're both super Korean.

00:40:38.000 They're super Korean, but yeah.

00:40:40.000 Very traditionalists.

00:40:41.000 I mean, not now.

00:40:42.000 So now you grew up in San Diego, right?

00:40:44.000 Now, that's where I met Bobby.

00:40:45.000 When I met Bobby, Bobby was...

00:40:47.000 Bobby was a doorman.

00:40:49.000 You were a doorman?

00:40:50.000 I was a doorman.

00:40:50.000 It was like 97, 96, maybe?

00:40:53.000 Maybe, yeah.

00:40:54.000 Maybe earlier.

00:40:54.000 Maybe earlier, yeah.

00:40:56.000 I had just moved to LA. I'd only been here for a little while, and I was doing a weekend at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and it was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby.

00:41:04.000 I think Diaz was with us.

00:41:05.000 I don't think so.

00:41:06.000 I think Diaz was still in Seattle at the time.

00:41:08.000 And we went to a strip club in San Diego and there was these Mexican gangbangers that were like the real deal, like tattooed tears in their face.

00:41:16.000 And this one dude, he had these crazy murderer eyes.

00:41:22.000 And Jimmy Schubert was like, I don't know what happened.

00:41:25.000 Jimmy was trying to get a dance from one of their girlfriends or something or said something to one of their girlfriends.

00:41:29.000 Yeah.

00:41:30.000 And so the guy got up and he got in Jimmy Schubert's face and Jimmy Schubert was trying to apologize.

00:41:34.000 And Bobby Lee just got all crazy.

00:41:36.000 Like, fuck these fucking pussies.

00:41:38.000 Bobby Lee, like, these guys ain't shit.

00:41:41.000 These guys are pussies.

00:41:42.000 And he was saying it, like, loud.

00:41:43.000 And the guys were looking at us.

00:41:45.000 And I just got up and I said, I'm leaving right now.

00:41:47.000 Whoever's coming with me is coming with me.

00:41:48.000 I'm leaving right now.

00:41:49.000 Like, I knew.

00:41:49.000 We were, like, moments away from someone getting shot.

00:41:52.000 Really?

00:41:52.000 I don't have street smarts.

00:41:55.000 Oh, my God.

00:41:55.000 You talk about negative street smarts.

00:41:57.000 These dudes had tattoos on their face.

00:41:58.000 There's certain dudes where you look at them and you go, these guys are posers.

00:42:01.000 These guys were murderers.

00:42:02.000 There's no question about it.

00:42:04.000 We were 15 minutes away from Tijuana.

00:42:07.000 And this is the old days when it wasn't even hard to go back and forth.

00:42:11.000 Back in the 90s, bro, you needed a driver's license.

00:42:14.000 That's all you needed.

00:42:14.000 You didn't have to have a passport to go to Mexico or come back and forth.

00:42:18.000 Dudes were coming back and forth all the time.

00:42:19.000 Oh, and cab drivers didn't even...

00:42:20.000 They could just drive back and forth, cab drivers.

00:42:22.000 It's so easy.

00:42:23.000 It is easy.

00:42:23.000 So there was a lot of crime and dangerous crime.

00:42:26.000 It was like you would run into pockets of extreme danger.

00:42:29.000 And that's when we were involved in a pocket of extreme danger.

00:42:32.000 And there's Bob being, fuck these guys!

00:42:33.000 These guys ain't shit!

00:42:35.000 Fuck you guys, these are pussies!

00:42:35.000 These guys are pussies!

00:42:37.000 He's like saying it loud.

00:42:38.000 And I don't know if you were drunk at the time.

00:42:39.000 You might have been drinking.

00:42:40.000 No, no, no.

00:42:41.000 Were you sober?

00:42:41.000 Yeah.

00:42:42.000 I was 23. I just left the hometown Poway was where I grew up.

00:42:49.000 Poway?

00:42:50.000 Yeah, it's called Poway.

00:42:51.000 It's outside of San Diego?

00:42:52.000 Yeah, it's like 25 minutes east of downtown San Diego.

00:42:55.000 And I didn't know much.

00:42:56.000 I just started doing stand-up.

00:42:58.000 I wanted to impress you because you're a headliner and I'd never met headliners.

00:43:03.000 He's a headliner, so I wanted to act tough.

00:43:05.000 And I came across looking like a fucking asshole.

00:43:08.000 Well, it's not how you came across.

00:43:09.000 It was the threat that you had put us into.

00:43:11.000 You'd put us in a position where...

00:43:12.000 Yeah, I apologized over the last 15 years.

00:43:14.000 Oh, it's no big deal, buddy.

00:43:14.000 It's just a funny story, man.

00:43:17.000 I still love you.

00:43:18.000 It's just a funny story, but I just remember, like, this little motherfucker's gonna get me killed.

00:43:22.000 Yeah, and I remember that.

00:43:23.000 I remember it vividly.

00:43:25.000 Yeah, he was so incredulous.

00:43:27.000 Even now, we're waiting to get in the car.

00:43:28.000 Ah, you guys are overreacting.

00:43:29.000 I'm like, get in the fucking car!

00:43:31.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:43:32.000 I've seen murderers before.

00:43:34.000 I've met them.

00:43:35.000 There's a certain tweak in a person's eye when they've already killed somebody.

00:43:38.000 Sounds like nonsense.

00:43:39.000 But, Joe, I was just in South Africa.

00:43:40.000 I did some shows out there.

00:43:41.000 Yeah.

00:43:42.000 Three o'clock in the afternoon, I walked out of my hotel room, and all of a sudden, I'm on the floor.

00:43:47.000 What?

00:43:47.000 Yeah.

00:43:48.000 I go, why am I on the dirt, right?

00:43:50.000 And these two black guys from South Africa were robbing me.

00:43:54.000 Whoa.

00:43:55.000 And I don't have any smarts.

00:43:59.000 You know what I mean?

00:43:59.000 So would they hit you with something?

00:44:01.000 Or they'd throw you out of the ground?

00:44:02.000 No, I walked out and I saw these two guys kind of following me.

00:44:06.000 Right.

00:44:06.000 Like, oh, I don't have that instinct.

00:44:09.000 Right.

00:44:09.000 You know what I mean?

00:44:09.000 And the next thing I know, they throw me onto the ground, these two huge black dudes.

00:44:14.000 Right.

00:44:15.000 And then my face is in the dirt and they take my Blackberry and I had some cash in the other pocket, right?

00:44:20.000 Right.

00:44:20.000 They ran off and then Ian Bagg, you know Ian Bagg?

00:44:24.000 Uh huh.

00:44:25.000 Yeah, Ian Bagg and I looked for two hours for them.

00:44:28.000 What are we going to do?

00:44:29.000 I know, nothing.

00:44:29.000 Why would you look for it?

00:44:30.000 Because I was going to buy my Blackberry off of them.

00:44:32.000 Oh, that's good.

00:44:33.000 Like they're going to accept money and give you something that's worth money for your money.

00:44:37.000 Fuck you.

00:44:38.000 That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

00:44:41.000 I'm just telling you this happened and the thing is I just don't have any street smarts.

00:44:45.000 Wow.

00:44:46.000 Yeah, I just don't have that instinct.

00:44:47.000 I grew up in the suburbs.

00:44:49.000 Wow, that's not just not having street smarts.

00:44:51.000 That's like, you haven't thought this out.

00:44:53.000 And Ian Bagg was down with this plan?

00:44:55.000 Yeah.

00:44:55.000 What's his problem?

00:44:56.000 He's from Canada.

00:44:57.000 I think me and Bobby grew up together in the same apartment.

00:45:00.000 He's Canadian.

00:45:01.000 Wow, that's pretty crazy.

00:45:02.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:03.000 So that's the same kind of thing.

00:45:05.000 Africa's very tricky, isn't it?

00:45:07.000 It's crazy.

00:45:08.000 How long were you there for?

00:45:09.000 A month and a half.

00:45:10.000 Whoa!

00:45:10.000 What were you doing there for a month and a half?

00:45:11.000 I did a bunch of shows in Johannesburg, Durban, and Cape Town.

00:45:15.000 That's crazy.

00:45:16.000 It was crazy, bro.

00:45:17.000 I did it with great comics.

00:45:18.000 So Mencia...

00:45:18.000 Not Mencia.

00:45:19.000 Pablo Francisco.

00:45:21.000 You keep getting them confused.

00:45:22.000 I know.

00:45:23.000 Pablo Francisco.

00:45:24.000 You know all those...

00:45:25.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:45:26.000 Gabriel Glazer.

00:45:26.000 No.

00:45:27.000 It was Pablo, me...

00:45:30.000 Ian, Orny Adams.

00:45:31.000 Wow.

00:45:32.000 Okay, I saw a photo with you and Orny online somewhere.

00:45:35.000 That was it.

00:45:35.000 Yeah.

00:45:36.000 So what was the experience like?

00:45:38.000 First of all, what are the audiences like?

00:45:39.000 They're Africans?

00:45:40.000 No, they're just white and blacks.

00:45:41.000 It's amazing.

00:45:42.000 The best audiences I've ever played in front of.

00:45:46.000 Really?

00:45:47.000 You crush.

00:45:49.000 You absolutely crush, bro.

00:45:51.000 Really?

00:45:51.000 Because comedy is only like 10 years old there.

00:45:53.000 Whoa.

00:45:53.000 And you turn on the TV, you see Two and a Half Men, all these shows that they get from America, right?

00:45:58.000 But they can't do it themselves.

00:45:59.000 No, they have a couple.

00:46:00.000 There's a guy named Trevor Noah, who's a huge star out there.

00:46:03.000 Really?

00:46:04.000 Yeah.

00:46:04.000 He's a black guy.

00:46:05.000 He's huge.

00:46:06.000 And there's another guy named Louiso, right?

00:46:08.000 So it's new.

00:46:10.000 If you're a stand-up in South Africa, you get ad campaigns.

00:46:13.000 Like, just Verizon and Trevor Noah.

00:46:15.000 You know what I mean?

00:46:16.000 Just huge posters.

00:46:17.000 It's a market.

00:46:18.000 Dude, Dunham is now playing out there.

00:46:19.000 Who?

00:46:20.000 Jeff Dunham.

00:46:21.000 Like, everyone's going out there now.

00:46:22.000 Really?

00:46:22.000 Yeah.

00:46:23.000 Great.

00:46:23.000 Rogan, Joe, you would kill!

00:46:26.000 There's plenty of places I don't get to go to in America.

00:46:28.000 I gotta get back to Houston.

00:46:29.000 I haven't been to Chicago in a year and a half.

00:46:31.000 I'm not going to fucking Africa.

00:46:32.000 Yeah, but what I'm saying is that if they don't know me, you know what I mean, and they're still coming out...

00:46:39.000 Right.

00:46:39.000 Well, they probably got Mad TV, didn't they?

00:46:41.000 No, they don't.

00:46:41.000 No?

00:46:42.000 No.

00:46:42.000 They don't know who the fuck I am.

00:46:43.000 I open, bro.

00:46:45.000 Really?

00:46:45.000 Yeah.

00:46:46.000 I mean, I had Orny and all these guys go after me.

00:46:47.000 Well, they know who Orny is?

00:46:48.000 No, but the thing is, is that the producers of the show were like, because Asians are third-class citizens there.

00:46:54.000 Whoa.

00:46:55.000 We're like the blacks of South Africa, right?

00:46:58.000 Whoa.

00:46:58.000 So it's like, you know, we were like riding in the back of the bus up until 10 years ago.

00:47:03.000 Really?

00:47:03.000 Yeah.

00:47:04.000 They had a back of a bus for Asians?

00:47:05.000 I like back of the bus.

00:47:06.000 Yeah, they just, they were not, we weren't able to vote.

00:47:09.000 Really?

00:47:09.000 Like 15 years ago.

00:47:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:10.000 So they view me as like, you know what I mean?

00:47:13.000 Like scum of them, which is crazy.

00:47:17.000 It is absolutely unfathomable.

00:47:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:20.000 So I went up first and I could feel every show, dude.

00:47:24.000 People going, oh man.

00:47:25.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:26.000 And I just knew, you know, bang, bang.

00:47:29.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:30.000 Right.

00:47:30.000 So you could feel that they were judging you?

00:47:32.000 Not judging me, but there was a feeling of like, what the fuck is this shit, right?

00:47:36.000 Really?

00:47:36.000 Yeah.

00:47:37.000 How is that not judging you?

00:47:38.000 Maybe.

00:47:39.000 But the thing is, I know as soon as I opened my mouth and I just said the first couple jokes, I had them on my side.

00:47:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:45.000 Wow.

00:47:45.000 You just crush.

00:47:46.000 Wow.

00:47:47.000 You know what I mean?

00:47:47.000 Because A, they've never really seen Asians that have an American accent that doesn't have an accent.

00:47:53.000 Right.

00:47:53.000 Right?

00:47:53.000 So that in itself is shocking to them.

00:47:55.000 And B, me just talking like an American, which I am, and then me C, being funny, you know what I mean, shocked them too, you know what I mean?

00:48:02.000 Wow.

00:48:02.000 That's cool.

00:48:03.000 So it's crazy, yeah.

00:48:04.000 So you were there for a month and a half?

00:48:05.000 Yeah.

00:48:06.000 How many shows did you do?

00:48:07.000 Oh, I got a lot, bro.

00:48:08.000 I did like...

00:48:10.000 I don't know, 35?

00:48:11.000 Holy shit!

00:48:12.000 30 to 35?

00:48:13.000 Who booked that?

00:48:14.000 There's a festival out there every year.

00:48:15.000 You should do it, dude.

00:48:16.000 No, I'm not going to go in there for 35 days.

00:48:19.000 Oh, you can't do it?

00:48:19.000 I don't want to.

00:48:20.000 I don't like going for any place.

00:48:21.000 I don't even like going places for four days.

00:48:24.000 I like three days and done.

00:48:25.000 In and out.

00:48:26.000 But for me, it was just like, you know, because I've just never been there.

00:48:29.000 And also, you know, there was just a slow time, man.

00:48:33.000 Wow, 35 fucking days in Africa.

00:48:35.000 Did they pay you in gold coins and shrunken heads?

00:48:37.000 Yeah, was the AIDS good?

00:48:38.000 No, the food...

00:48:40.000 Did you worry about malaria?

00:48:41.000 No, the money was great.

00:48:42.000 George Clooney got malaria.

00:48:44.000 Yeah, dude, it's like being...

00:48:47.000 He did.

00:48:47.000 He did, really?

00:48:48.000 Yeah, he did.

00:48:49.000 Oh, he did?

00:48:49.000 Dude, it's like being anywhere else, kind of.

00:48:52.000 Like, if you're in Cape Town, it's like, oh, there's a coffee shop and a clothing store.

00:48:57.000 Starbucks are there?

00:48:58.000 No, there's another thing called.

00:49:00.000 The only difference is they rob you everywhere.

00:49:02.000 During the day.

00:49:03.000 They have no...

00:49:04.000 People get robbed all the time.

00:49:06.000 Wow.

00:49:06.000 One of the producers of the show said, yeah, I was on the freeway during the day, and some black guy just walked up to her door and said, I want the car.

00:49:15.000 She just got out and gave him the car.

00:49:16.000 Whoa.

00:49:17.000 Yeah, pass on Africa, please.

00:49:19.000 Is there a lot of flies?

00:49:21.000 No, dude!

00:49:22.000 Why would you tell me to go to a place where you get robbed all the time?

00:49:25.000 What's so great about it?

00:49:26.000 Because I'm just saying, though, because I just think that you're a great comedian in stand-up, you know what I mean?

00:49:31.000 And I just think that there's no one like you that's ever played there and that you could clean up.

00:49:38.000 I don't want to.

00:49:38.000 I'm just telling you.

00:49:39.000 We could hang out with the Antwerd, man.

00:49:40.000 We could just, you know, the whole weekend.

00:49:41.000 Antwerd's over here.

00:49:42.000 They're hanging out with Jimmy Kimmel.

00:49:43.000 Oh, really?

00:49:44.000 Love them, too.

00:49:44.000 I love them.

00:49:45.000 Yeah, I called his cell phone.

00:49:46.000 That's his voicemail.

00:49:49.000 Yeah, we went gaga on them when they first came out on the podcast.

00:49:55.000 But that's how I know about them, because of South Africa.

00:50:00.000 So you found out about them way before everybody else.

00:50:02.000 Yeah, and also those guys, the way they look, that's what a lot of the white people look like.

00:50:08.000 How popular is Dee Antwerd in South Africa?

00:50:11.000 Was it huge?

00:50:12.000 No, but you go to a hip-hop store.

00:50:14.000 They have hip-hop stores, you know what I mean?

00:50:16.000 There's a poster or whatever, you know what I mean?

00:50:18.000 And they have radio stations that play just regular music.

00:50:22.000 It's a normal place, you know?

00:50:24.000 It's just all intense.

00:50:26.000 It's just new, you know what I mean?

00:50:29.000 Civilization is new.

00:50:30.000 Right.

00:50:30.000 You know what I mean?

00:50:32.000 It is new.

00:50:33.000 That's what's scary about it, man.

00:50:34.000 And it borders so much wild shit.

00:50:36.000 But that's how Russell Peters...

00:50:39.000 He did his first theater show in South Africa.

00:50:42.000 Yeah.

00:50:42.000 And that's how he got the momentum.

00:50:44.000 Well, sort of.

00:50:45.000 But Russell is just...

00:50:46.000 First of all, he has a huge following in the Asian community.

00:50:49.000 Yeah, it's huge.

00:50:50.000 Indians, Asians.

00:50:51.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:51.000 They're just so happy that there's another comic like...

00:50:53.000 Or a comic like him out there.

00:50:55.000 They just come out in massive droves to support him.

00:50:58.000 The community is so strong.

00:51:00.000 But Russell sells out like that everywhere.

00:51:02.000 It's not just India.

00:51:04.000 He does two nights in a row.

00:51:05.000 But this is before he had that.

00:51:06.000 Really?

00:51:07.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:51:07.000 His first theater show was in South Africa.

00:51:10.000 How far is that flight?

00:51:11.000 Isn't that like 16 hours?

00:51:12.000 No, it's a 24-hour deal.

00:51:15.000 Because you do 12 to Amsterdam and then you do another 12 to South Africa.

00:51:19.000 God damn!

00:51:20.000 I know, it's the worst.

00:51:21.000 Really?

00:51:22.000 Yeah, it's the worst.

00:51:23.000 24 hours in the air?

00:51:24.000 You feel like...

00:51:25.000 It feels like two weeks in the air.

00:51:27.000 Oh my God.

00:51:28.000 And you start sweating.

00:51:29.000 You start sweating after a while, right?

00:51:31.000 It must wreck your body, too.

00:51:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:51:33.000 What is 24-hour jet lag like?

00:51:35.000 It tears you up.

00:51:36.000 It tears you up.

00:51:37.000 And you have to do...

00:51:39.000 Business class, at least.

00:51:41.000 Tell me this.

00:51:42.000 What the fuck is going on on planes that make you feel so fucking bad when you land?

00:51:46.000 Because I feel like I drink.

00:51:48.000 I feel like when I'm on a plane, I feel like it's the same feeling I get when I do a show and have three shots.

00:51:53.000 That's what it feels like.

00:51:54.000 It's the air quality.

00:51:55.000 You're pretty much hotboxing with 500 people.

00:51:57.000 You're breathing other people's insides.

00:51:58.000 Is that what it is?

00:51:59.000 Yeah, and you don't know what...

00:52:00.000 People are just filthy animals.

00:52:02.000 When you sleep on a plane, you always sleep with your mouth open.

00:52:06.000 Because you sit back like this...

00:52:07.000 And no matter who you look at, everyone has their mouth open.

00:52:10.000 So you're just sitting there going...

00:52:11.000 And sucking that in through your mouth.

00:52:14.000 What is the way around that?

00:52:15.000 There's no way around that.

00:52:16.000 Oh, I went to a strip club in South Africa.

00:52:18.000 It was the worst place I've ever been to in my life.

00:52:21.000 Really?

00:52:21.000 I did a lap dance from a girl, I kid you not, that looked like Dog the Bonnie Hunter.

00:52:24.000 Oh, really?

00:52:25.000 I could get into that.

00:52:26.000 She had facial hair.

00:52:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:52:28.000 Oh, my God.

00:52:28.000 Yeah, her breast was like, you know what I mean, shriveled up.

00:52:31.000 Oh, gross.

00:52:32.000 It was awful.

00:52:33.000 And she was touching you?

00:52:34.000 Yeah, she's touching me, but I'm laughing the whole time, you know what I mean?

00:52:36.000 So you did it on purpose.

00:52:37.000 Yeah, I just did it for fun, you know what I mean?

00:52:39.000 Yeah, but it's awful.

00:52:40.000 Did you worry about getting robbed there?

00:52:42.000 No, no, no.

00:52:43.000 No?

00:52:43.000 You just don't worry.

00:52:44.000 Dude, I got robbed the second of the last day I was there, bro.

00:52:48.000 Wow.

00:52:50.000 So when the guy stole your BlackBerry, did you try to get another one?

00:52:53.000 You know why?

00:52:54.000 Because I know I'm leaving this God-forbidden place.

00:52:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:52:57.000 I go back to civilization.

00:52:58.000 So you hate it, man.

00:52:59.000 You're trying to get me to go there.

00:53:00.000 What's wrong with you?

00:53:02.000 It's a trap.

00:53:03.000 Joe, in terms of what you would do there business-wise...

00:53:06.000 Yeah.

00:53:07.000 You know what I mean?

00:53:08.000 That's all.

00:53:09.000 To me, what's the most important thing is having fun.

00:53:12.000 And 24 hours in the plane is not fun.

00:53:14.000 You know, like I got a gig coming up in Australia.

00:53:17.000 I'm doing some place called Rudy Hill.

00:53:19.000 It's outside of Sydney.

00:53:21.000 It's like the suburbs.

00:53:22.000 It's like all I could get because it was like a late last minute thing.

00:53:24.000 And that's because I'm doing the UFC out there.

00:53:26.000 I like doing those gigs.

00:53:27.000 Yeah.

00:53:27.000 I'm doing the UFC. And so the night before, I'll do a gig somewhere in Australia.

00:53:31.000 And I've done them in England.

00:53:33.000 And I've done them in Ireland.

00:53:35.000 I've done them all over the place.

00:53:36.000 Yeah.

00:53:36.000 But I'm not traveling somewhere for 24 fucking hours to do an audience.

00:53:40.000 Just to do a show.

00:53:41.000 Yeah, I can do that in Burbank, man.

00:53:43.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:53:44.000 I can get in my car and do that.

00:53:47.000 That's just too crazy.

00:53:48.000 It's too much of a commitment.

00:53:49.000 Yeah, but that's the only...

00:53:51.000 When you're at a point in your life where right now the only revenue you're getting is through live shows, you just kind of have to go, fuck it.

00:53:58.000 Yeah, but why fuck it when you just build up your audience in America, man?

00:54:01.000 That's how I feel.

00:54:02.000 I mean, I don't...

00:54:03.000 There's nothing wrong with doing it.

00:54:04.000 I mean, there's nothing wrong with traveling.

00:54:05.000 But for me, first of all, part of it is kids.

00:54:08.000 I have kids.

00:54:09.000 I can't just go somewhere for a month.

00:54:10.000 That would fucking drive me crazy.

00:54:11.000 Yeah, but I wanted to see great white sharks and shit like that, you know, too.

00:54:14.000 Yeah, that's kind of interesting.

00:54:15.000 I mean, that was interesting about Australia, too, seeing crocodiles and shit and kangaroos.

00:54:18.000 And find out that fucking kangaroos kill more people than anything.

00:54:21.000 Kangaroos fuck people up in Australia.

00:54:23.000 They do?

00:54:24.000 Yeah, there's big, giant kangaroos.

00:54:25.000 They're so cute, though.

00:54:25.000 There's apparently two different types of kangaroos.

00:54:27.000 I forget what color the big ones are.

00:54:29.000 The big ones will fuck you up.

00:54:30.000 They're like 300 pounds and shit and they gut people.

00:54:33.000 They kick you with their claws.

00:54:36.000 And there's a toad out there that's more rampant.

00:54:39.000 Everything's trying to kill you in Australia.

00:54:41.000 That they shipped there.

00:54:43.000 From a different place, right?

00:54:44.000 Because they had locusts or something that they wanted to get rid of.

00:54:47.000 So they shipped these indigenous frogs from South Africa.

00:54:50.000 But the locusts were so high up on these leaves that the frogs didn't eat the locusts or whatever.

00:54:55.000 So they just multiplied.

00:54:57.000 And they're poisonous.

00:54:58.000 So they just went rampant.

00:54:59.000 Oh, shit.

00:55:01.000 People are so goddamn smart trying to fix ecosystems.

00:55:04.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:55:05.000 It fucked that place up.

00:55:05.000 How about just spray the bugs?

00:55:07.000 You spray, you cunts.

00:55:09.000 Bobby, what was Eminem like?

00:55:11.000 What kind of, what?

00:55:13.000 You met Eminem, right?

00:55:14.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:15.000 What was he like?

00:55:16.000 He's a nice guy.

00:55:17.000 Where'd you meet Eminem?

00:55:18.000 I was in one of his music videos.

00:55:19.000 Oh, really?

00:55:20.000 Yeah, I got a call saying, come down now, because they need you, right?

00:55:26.000 So I came down, I did three sketches, I played Sulu, then I played an Eskimo, and yeah, yeah, and yeah, he's nice.

00:55:32.000 I hadn't met him before, and I got to meet Dr. Dre, which is great.

00:55:35.000 He has a huge black hand that just takes my little hand, and it surrounds my hand.

00:55:40.000 And it's so dry and it's perfect.

00:55:42.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:43.000 Just soft.

00:55:44.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:44.000 It's like Dr. Trey's hand.

00:55:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:46.000 And he's so gentle.

00:55:47.000 Like a giant gentle guy who put his hand on your back.

00:55:50.000 He's huge now.

00:55:51.000 He's huge.

00:55:52.000 Something happened.

00:55:52.000 He started lifting weights and got gigantic.

00:55:54.000 Yeah, but he's kind.

00:55:55.000 He's a kind guy.

00:55:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:57.000 Because I grew up with NWA. Yeah, me too.

00:55:58.000 I love that stuff.

00:55:59.000 Yeah.

00:56:00.000 So it's like...

00:56:00.000 I met Ice Cube once.

00:56:02.000 That was the fucking coolest thing ever when Ice Cube said, what's up, Joe?

00:56:04.000 I'm like...

00:56:05.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:56:06.000 Yeah, yeah, is that great?

00:56:07.000 Ice Cube knows my name.

00:56:08.000 It's great.

00:56:09.000 It's a trip.

00:56:10.000 It's awesome.

00:56:11.000 It's so crazy that people that...

00:56:13.000 One time I was in Miami.

00:56:14.000 I was in the front row.

00:56:15.000 In the front row was Gloria Estefan.

00:56:18.000 Whoa, get the fuck out of here.

00:56:19.000 I didn't know who she was.

00:56:20.000 Holy shit.

00:56:21.000 So somebody backstage before I went up there, Gloria Estefan's in the audience.

00:56:25.000 I go, who is that?

00:56:27.000 And they go, it's Gloria Estefani.

00:56:29.000 She's huge.

00:56:30.000 I go, really?

00:56:30.000 She's huge?

00:56:31.000 So I went up on stage, and this is what I said.

00:56:33.000 I'm an asshole.

00:56:34.000 Oh, no.

00:56:35.000 No, I get up on stage.

00:56:36.000 I go, ladies and gentlemen, Gloria Edibon.

00:56:38.000 No!

00:56:40.000 And then, you know how they shine the light on her?

00:56:42.000 You know what I mean?

00:56:42.000 Yeah.

00:56:43.000 And she's blushing.

00:56:44.000 She's kind of waving to the audience.

00:56:46.000 And I'm still smiling because I don't know I fucked up.

00:56:48.000 Oh, no.

00:56:50.000 Right?

00:56:50.000 Edibon.

00:56:51.000 And then afterwards, she just left.

00:56:53.000 So I was never able to meet her.

00:56:55.000 Wow.

00:56:56.000 And if you're listening, Gloria Estefan, I Googled you after that.

00:57:00.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:00.000 And I know all your stuff.

00:57:01.000 And I really, sorry for the disrespect.

00:57:06.000 Maybe she thought you were doing an Asian joke, though.

00:57:08.000 Why?

00:57:09.000 She's not Asian.

00:57:09.000 No, no, no.

00:57:10.000 That you were mispronouncing it.

00:57:12.000 You were doing a character.

00:57:13.000 No, no, no.

00:57:13.000 Because I don't do that.

00:57:15.000 Trust me, it came all fucked up.

00:57:19.000 Because even the audience went...

00:57:20.000 You could hear them go...

00:57:21.000 That's hilarious.

00:57:23.000 I don't know who sports people are.

00:57:27.000 Me either.

00:57:27.000 I did this one commercial with these two old men.

00:57:29.000 And I was telling one old man to go get me a cup of coffee.

00:57:34.000 Give me a cup of coffee.

00:57:35.000 You just got one.

00:57:36.000 He's like, all right.

00:57:37.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:37.000 And at the end of the shoot, I laughed.

00:57:40.000 And they're like, you know who those guys were?

00:57:41.000 I go, who?

00:57:42.000 Stan Mikita and Gordie Howe, who are huge hockey icons, right?

00:57:49.000 So you had Gordie Howe going, getting you coffee?

00:57:51.000 He did it in a...

00:57:53.000 It wasn't like...

00:57:54.000 I was joking, kind of.

00:57:56.000 Like, can you get me one of those, too?

00:57:57.000 You know what I mean?

00:57:57.000 It wasn't like...

00:57:58.000 Telling him what to do.

00:57:59.000 I was not a hockey fan when I was a kid, so I didn't know...

00:58:01.000 I knew Bobby Orr was like a name.

00:58:03.000 I knew it was a big deal.

00:58:04.000 So I was working at the Boston Athletic Club.

00:58:07.000 And Bobby Orr used to go there and work out.

00:58:10.000 And...

00:58:11.000 That's one of the first times I'd ever been around a professional athlete that had been fucked up from his sport.

00:58:17.000 I did not know how bad some dudes got jacked by their sports, but Bobby Orr had scars up and down both legs, where he had some insane amount of knee surgeries, like 16 fucking knee surgeries.

00:58:29.000 Something crazy.

00:58:29.000 It might even be more than that.

00:58:30.000 But his knees were so bad that he would play racquetball, and if the ball went to the left or to the right, he would just lean and fall to the ground.

00:58:38.000 He literally couldn't move.

00:58:40.000 It was the saddest shit ever, man.

00:58:43.000 Oh, that's so sad.

00:58:43.000 It was the saddest shit ever.

00:58:46.000 You know what a VersaClimber is?

00:58:48.000 It's like a pole that's at an angle.

00:58:50.000 It's got handles for your hands and for your feet.

00:58:52.000 And you go up and down, up and down with this thing.

00:58:55.000 And it simulates that you're climbing something.

00:58:57.000 It's called a VersaClimber.

00:58:58.000 You can't I used to have to put him on this thing.

00:59:00.000 I used to have to help him.

00:59:01.000 What I used to do is I have to get behind him and I would have to hold his waist and he would put one foot in one of the stirrups and then you'd have to kind of lift him a little so he could get his foot into the next one because his knees didn't bend.

00:59:12.000 His knees literally didn't bend.

00:59:14.000 They went from like fully extended to like one quarter.

00:59:18.000 It's like John McCain's arms.

00:59:20.000 It was way worse than that.

00:59:21.000 Well, John McCain seems like he can't move him past a certain point, like his shoulders.

00:59:25.000 He's got bad shoulders.

00:59:27.000 Needs to rehab that shit.

00:59:29.000 Whenever I see him, I feel bad because Asians did that to him.

00:59:32.000 Do they?

00:59:33.000 Yeah.

00:59:33.000 Is that what happened?

00:59:34.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:59:34.000 He was tortured for five years.

00:59:36.000 Really?

00:59:36.000 Yeah, they put him in straps, you know what I mean, and rope.

00:59:39.000 That's what fucked up his shoulders?

00:59:40.000 Yeah.

00:59:41.000 Really?

00:59:42.000 Well, what do you think happened?

00:59:43.000 Mattresses and car bags.

00:59:44.000 Maybe slid into third and...

00:59:47.000 The bag with his hands.

00:59:49.000 That's really what happened?

00:59:50.000 They fucked up his shoulders?

00:59:51.000 Yeah.

00:59:51.000 And they made me play John McCain.

00:59:54.000 What?

00:59:54.000 I met you.

00:59:55.000 Yeah, you can look it up.

00:59:56.000 How the fuck did you play John McCain?

00:59:57.000 Look it up.

00:59:57.000 Bobby Lee John McCain.

00:59:58.000 That sounds silly.

00:59:59.000 Right.

01:00:00.000 I got the call that I want you to play John McCain.

01:00:02.000 I go, no.

01:00:03.000 They go, why?

01:00:04.000 Because people like me tortured him.

01:00:05.000 I'm not playing him, too.

01:00:07.000 Vietnamese.

01:00:07.000 It's pretty distant from Koreans, right?

01:00:09.000 Well, you know what I'm saying, though.

01:00:10.000 Right.

01:00:10.000 If someone said you're Vietnamese, though, you'd be upset.

01:00:12.000 No, I wouldn't be.

01:00:13.000 You don't look Vietnamese at all.

01:00:14.000 No, I love him.

01:00:15.000 When he put the video...

01:00:33.000 Oh, that video.

01:00:35.000 Most people have no idea what we're talking about here.

01:00:38.000 Well, I don't know if you read it online.

01:00:41.000 Yeah, well, most people are not going to read the story about you online.

01:00:44.000 Bobby Lee once was playing around and said something about Vietnamese.

01:00:48.000 Wow, that's you as John McCain.

01:00:50.000 You look like Donald Trump fuck Frank Caliendo.

01:00:55.000 That's what it looks like.

01:00:57.000 Doesn't it?

01:00:57.000 Yeah.

01:00:58.000 Look how Bobby Lee is John McCain and it does not look like John McCain.

01:01:01.000 But the reason why I said that was because of that fan.

01:01:05.000 You don't like that fan?

01:01:06.000 No.

01:01:06.000 I wanted to know where my resentment...

01:01:08.000 Why I would say something like that in the fucking first place.

01:01:10.000 About first place people?

01:01:11.000 Yeah.

01:01:12.000 And it was because at that time, he was way bigger than me.

01:01:15.000 You know what I mean?

01:01:15.000 And I knew in my heart that I could just destroy him.

01:01:19.000 You know what I mean?

01:01:20.000 As a stand-up.

01:01:21.000 And everyone was saying like...

01:01:23.000 That bothered you then, right?

01:01:24.000 Well, it bothered me then because they were saying he's the funniest Asian guy ever, right?

01:01:28.000 And I'm like, I know Coy.

01:01:29.000 I know Margaret Cho.

01:01:30.000 You know what I mean?

01:01:31.000 I know a lot of Asian comics that are very funny.

01:01:33.000 Right.

01:01:34.000 Well, you know, what he had was a killer five minutes, you know?

01:01:37.000 And I saw Dat Fan.

01:01:38.000 I was one of the judges for Last Comic Standing.

01:01:42.000 And the fucking kid destroyed, man.

01:01:44.000 I mean, he came out and destroyed.

01:01:45.000 It wasn't the best material in the world, but it was like, you know, who cares?

01:01:50.000 It's like pop comedy.

01:01:51.000 That's what he was doing.

01:01:52.000 But he destroyed.

01:01:53.000 And then, for whatever reason, it was really funny, but for whatever reason, it just never caught on after that.

01:02:00.000 That was it.

01:02:01.000 But the thing is that I know him on the club level.

01:02:03.000 Right?

01:02:03.000 And I know exactly what he can do.

01:02:05.000 Like in terms of like, if you were to put that, me, Koi, like any of the other Asian guys up there, you know what I mean?

01:02:11.000 That you would be able to see.

01:02:14.000 Don't you think that that's corrosive thinking?

01:02:16.000 Don't you think that that kind of thinking is detrimental as a person to you?

01:02:21.000 Like when you're worried about what other people can do in comparing yourself to me?

01:02:24.000 No, no, no, no.

01:02:24.000 No?

01:02:24.000 I don't.

01:02:25.000 Because I know what you're saying, okay?

01:02:27.000 It's like Ken Jeong, his success.

01:02:30.000 I'm very happy for him because I went on tour with Ken.

01:02:35.000 We did an Asian tour.

01:02:36.000 He's been on 15, 16 sketches at MADtv.

01:02:39.000 I know his level and he's a hard worker, nice guy and he's a talent.

01:02:45.000 I feel the same way about Joe Coy or Steve Byrne or any of these guys.

01:02:49.000 I have no competitiveness with anybody but I just know at certain people's Talent level, and I just felt that he didn't deserve it.

01:03:02.000 Yeah, but what do you care?

01:03:03.000 This is my point.

01:03:04.000 Why worry about other people's entertainment?

01:03:06.000 No, but Joe, I'm better about it now.

01:03:08.000 Of course you are now.

01:03:09.000 I know, but you're still sort of defending it, right?

01:03:11.000 No, I'm not really determined.

01:03:12.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:03:13.000 What I asked is, do you think that that behavior is corrosive?

01:03:16.000 By saying you're better than that now, you're saying yes, it is negative, right?

01:03:18.000 It's very negative, and it was a bad time, really bad time for me.

01:03:22.000 It's tricky with comedians.

01:03:23.000 I mean, we were talking about someone else earlier that gets jealous about people.

01:03:26.000 It's very tricky with comics.

01:03:28.000 For some reason, when comics see one person's success, they somehow or another think it as taking away something from them.

01:03:35.000 What is that?

01:03:36.000 And for me, it's like I... I have accepted, you know what I mean?

01:03:41.000 I accept what I have in front of me.

01:03:44.000 I love my life, you know what I mean?

01:03:46.000 But at the time, you know what I mean?

01:03:47.000 It was in turmoil.

01:03:48.000 Like, I wasn't really, you know what I mean?

01:03:50.000 I didn't know what I was doing, you know what I mean?

01:03:52.000 Right.

01:03:53.000 And I was going, you know, I had just gotten sober again, you know what I mean?

01:03:55.000 So it was a rough time, you know what I mean?

01:03:57.000 Right.

01:03:57.000 Just, you know, you're just sensitive, you know what I mean?

01:03:59.000 Of course.

01:04:00.000 And so, yeah, I mean, in retrospect, it was really ugly.

01:04:04.000 Yeah.

01:04:05.000 That's one of those things you have to learn from, though.

01:04:06.000 Yeah.

01:04:07.000 But you see it so much in the open mic night days.

01:04:10.000 You remember when you were an open mic night guy and you were just starting out and then there would be guys that you worked with that started getting work?

01:04:16.000 Yeah.

01:04:17.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:18.000 Dude, everyone would hate.

01:04:19.000 I would hate.

01:04:19.000 I'd totally hate on people that would start.

01:04:21.000 I'd be like, this guy's going to be good.

01:04:22.000 Fuck him.

01:04:23.000 But he's obviously good enough to get a job.

01:04:25.000 Him getting that job is not taking anything away from you.

01:04:28.000 Yeah, but the thing that you learn over time, though, is that...

01:04:31.000 You realize there's so much work out there, right?

01:04:35.000 That I feel like there's enough for everybody.

01:04:37.000 But at the time, when you're not getting jobs, you know what I mean?

01:04:41.000 And you know that you're funny.

01:04:43.000 It's just a difficult transition, you know what I mean?

01:04:46.000 That's all I'm sorry.

01:04:46.000 Is it because Dat Fam's Vietnamese?

01:04:48.000 Does that have anything to do with it?

01:04:50.000 No.

01:04:51.000 No?

01:04:51.000 No, no, no.

01:04:52.000 Because I know Dat from San Diego.

01:04:54.000 First of all, he's a liar.

01:04:55.000 Remember, like, during the show, you said he'd been doing it for two years.

01:04:58.000 I started with a guy.

01:04:59.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:00.000 In San Diego.

01:05:02.000 I mean, I have photos with him.

01:05:04.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:05.000 From back in the 90s.

01:05:07.000 So he had been doing it a long time.

01:05:08.000 Way long.

01:05:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:09.000 Living underneath a desk.

01:05:10.000 All these things that he said he was claiming he was doing.

01:05:12.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:13.000 It's not true.

01:05:13.000 To me, it was not true.

01:05:15.000 And also, Margaret Cho wrote him a letter because he had stolen a joke from her.

01:05:20.000 What joke was that?

01:05:20.000 I don't know what joke.

01:05:22.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:23.000 Asian jokes is very tricky.

01:05:24.000 It's like, a buddy of mine, my friend John Tobin from New York used to say this, that when you work with a bunch of black guys, he goes, it's always if there's three comics and two guys are white and one guy's black, the black guy's always like, yeah, man, I was supposed to be closing.

01:05:40.000 I heard that I was supposed to be closing.

01:05:42.000 He goes, and last, there's two black guys and the black guy, and then they're like, yeah, I'm supposed to open.

01:05:46.000 I gotta get out of here.

01:05:49.000 Why?

01:05:50.000 Because they want to be able to use all the black jokes.

01:05:52.000 I know.

01:05:53.000 That's hilarious.

01:05:53.000 That is so funny.

01:05:54.000 It's so true.

01:05:55.000 It is so true.

01:05:56.000 Because there's so much hack shit that guys would just rely on because it would work every time.

01:06:00.000 Now, you're white people looking around seeing if you could laugh at this.

01:06:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:04.000 It's like Jewish material.

01:06:05.000 Every person that's a Jew has to talk about them being a Jew.

01:06:08.000 It's like they all do the same material.

01:06:10.000 It's like when I went on tour with the four Koreans, we did the Kings of Comedy with me, Steve Byrne, Ken, and Kevin Shea, and no one wanted to close.

01:06:19.000 We would fight backstage.

01:06:22.000 I'd have to close sometimes.

01:06:23.000 It was very difficult.

01:06:26.000 It's not that we went over the material.

01:06:28.000 It's just the fact that all Asian comics have at least 10 minutes of their act about being Asian.

01:06:35.000 The point of view might be different.

01:06:37.000 Or the angle.

01:06:39.000 But you, out of all those, probably have the most material, right?

01:06:41.000 Yeah.

01:06:43.000 A lot of your killer shit is Asian.

01:06:45.000 Do you still do that bit about the Vietnamese guy hiding in a can of coke?

01:06:51.000 No.

01:06:51.000 I don't know.

01:06:52.000 That's why they won the war.

01:06:53.000 They can hide in anything.

01:06:53.000 They can hide in trees for three weeks.

01:06:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:06:56.000 Just a banana.

01:06:58.000 That was in that video you were talking about, right?

01:07:01.000 Just before that we put up the one that you got in trouble for?

01:07:06.000 Yeah, that video, yeah.

01:07:07.000 Didn't you talk about it in that video?

01:07:09.000 No.

01:07:11.000 I don't blame you for the video, by the way.

01:07:14.000 It was just one of those...

01:07:15.000 You blame me?

01:07:16.000 Well, for a couple years, I couldn't even look at you.

01:07:18.000 Why?

01:07:19.000 I'll be honest with you.

01:07:20.000 I didn't say anything.

01:07:21.000 Can I just say this?

01:07:22.000 I didn't just get this because we haven't talked about it.

01:07:24.000 I just want to bring it up.

01:07:25.000 Can I bring it up?

01:07:25.000 Sure, anything.

01:07:26.000 Okay.

01:07:27.000 There was a time about, I don't know when, two or three years, that I felt that there was animosity between me and your camp.

01:07:38.000 What?

01:07:38.000 You never felt it for me.

01:07:40.000 Yes, I did.

01:07:41.000 Really?

01:07:41.000 For me?

01:07:41.000 Yeah, I felt that, honestly, I felt that, can I be, I love you, is that I felt that there was a weirdness because of the whole, the video that had come out.

01:07:51.000 No.

01:07:52.000 And with Ari, you know what I mean, me and Ari not getting along.

01:07:55.000 No.

01:07:55.000 Look, I called you when there was that video that you made, where Mencia made you make that video.

01:08:01.000 I called you about it.

01:08:02.000 And I told you, I go, dude, I'm not mad at you.

01:08:05.000 Which was the one biggest mistake, I thought, because if you read the feedback...

01:08:12.000 After that?

01:08:12.000 Oh, my God.

01:08:14.000 I get threats.

01:08:15.000 Well, you know, I understood your point of view totally.

01:08:18.000 I knew you from back in the day, and I knew your relationship with him, and I knew that you knew he was sick, and you were trying to help him.

01:08:25.000 I knew.

01:08:25.000 I knew the whole story.

01:08:27.000 It didn't bother me at all.

01:08:28.000 And for people who don't know, he just made this video saying that he never...

01:08:32.000 But can I tell you how that came about?

01:08:35.000 Okay, but let me tell these people.

01:08:36.000 He made a video saying that he never saw Carlos stealing any material.

01:08:39.000 And it was one of those videos that looked like one of those terrorist videos where there's a fucking gun pointed to your head and a knife under your neck.

01:08:45.000 Okay, so this is what happens.

01:08:47.000 I'm in Canada, right?

01:08:49.000 The video, right, comes on.

01:08:52.000 Right.

01:08:53.000 And then Mencia calls me.

01:08:55.000 And literally six months ago, I erased the message.

01:08:57.000 I kept it for that long.

01:08:58.000 Ah!

01:08:58.000 You know what I mean?

01:08:59.000 Damn it!

01:09:00.000 I know.

01:09:01.000 It was so...

01:09:02.000 He was so angry.

01:09:03.000 I can't even...

01:09:04.000 That would be so great to play on the podcast.

01:09:06.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:06.000 I erased it.

01:09:07.000 Damn it!

01:09:08.000 So then what happens is, like, I come back from Canada and I... Now it's the new season of MAD, right?

01:09:13.000 And lo and behold, Mencius...

01:09:16.000 Mind of Mencius got picked up, right?

01:09:18.000 And it's literally attached to MAD TV. Like the studios are, right?

01:09:23.000 So I'm like, and I hadn't seen Carlos since the video went out, right?

01:09:27.000 So for a couple of days, I'm like, I know how to get around.

01:09:30.000 I gotta get around.

01:09:33.000 The stairs, right?

01:09:34.000 And I'll sneak around the back here.

01:09:35.000 You're wearing disguises.

01:09:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:37.000 This is how I want to get that, right?

01:09:38.000 Well, next thing you know, he grabs one of his cousins, comes to Matt TV, who's a friend of mine, brings me over, right?

01:09:46.000 And then I had like six Mexicans just sit me down.

01:09:50.000 Are you sure they were really Mexicans?

01:09:51.000 I don't know.

01:09:54.000 They're Japanese.

01:09:55.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:09:58.000 And, you know, Carlos is there, Ned, and he just goes...

01:10:04.000 Was he sitting on a throne?

01:10:06.000 No, no, no.

01:10:07.000 It was outside, and he just goes, you gotta do this for me.

01:10:11.000 So I did it.

01:10:12.000 You know what I mean?

01:10:13.000 And then that happened.

01:10:14.000 The weirdest part about the video, though, what sucked is that you made this video that didn't even seem like you even knew the video you were talking about.

01:10:22.000 I can't remember the actual words in it.

01:10:25.000 It sounded like you were talking about a video that you hadn't seen, which was even weirder.

01:10:29.000 I got caught between, you know what I mean, two camps that I, you know what I mean, I've always had a relationship with, right?

01:10:36.000 I mean, Joe and I have known each other for so long.

01:10:38.000 I don't want to have a camp.

01:10:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:10:40.000 People.

01:10:41.000 Human beings.

01:10:41.000 Not camp.

01:10:42.000 You know what I'm saying, okay?

01:10:43.000 Camps.

01:10:43.000 And then, you know, Mencia had a group, his group, right?

01:10:47.000 And I felt like I was in the middle and that, you know what I mean, I felt like at a time where I had to choose, I felt like.

01:10:53.000 I stayed out of it, you know what I mean, for the most part.

01:10:56.000 For the longest time, I wouldn't talk about it in radio or anything like that because people would bring it up.

01:11:01.000 I'd go on tour and they're like, so, you know what I mean?

01:11:03.000 And I'd be like, I don't want to talk about it, you know what I mean?

01:11:05.000 As far as just like the amount of interest generated by that, that's probably one of the most controversial videos in like the history of comedy.

01:11:12.000 It probably was, yeah.

01:11:13.000 Kind of crazy when you think about it.

01:11:15.000 It was insane.

01:11:15.000 But, you know, what was also kind of crazy was, you remember what the environment was like before anybody called him on that, where everybody was on eggshells and you were constantly terrified of that guy walking in the room?

01:11:23.000 Yeah, it was crazy.

01:11:24.000 And then he was becoming successful?

01:11:25.000 He was becoming successful, and then it just got scary.

01:11:28.000 Like I said, you know, I just don't see that part.

01:11:31.000 Did you see the movie I Am Tommy?

01:11:33.000 How can you say that?

01:11:34.000 Because you do.

01:11:35.000 You did.

01:11:36.000 Because...

01:11:37.000 He stole some shit from you, man.

01:11:38.000 I mean, I know you had issues with it.

01:11:40.000 Okay, I know.

01:11:41.000 Can I just say this, though?

01:11:41.000 Yes.

01:11:42.000 All right.

01:11:43.000 Here's what it is, okay, like we said before, okay, that it is like, you know, one of those situations where the guy, when I was an open-miker, right, he bought me a car.

01:11:55.000 It was a used car, but I didn't have a car, right?

01:11:58.000 And then he took me on tour.

01:12:00.000 Him and Pauly Shore would rotate.

01:12:02.000 One guy would take me, you know what I mean?

01:12:03.000 Who was more fun to hang out with on the road?

01:12:06.000 Obviously Pauly, because he didn't make me cry, you know what I mean?

01:12:09.000 And also, I used to get pussy.

01:12:10.000 You can't get pussy on a Mencia show.

01:12:12.000 Why not?

01:12:13.000 Because they're all married and have 19 kids, and you know what I mean?

01:12:15.000 And they're like...

01:12:16.000 Any Mencia fan, you know, I love you, but my point is...

01:12:19.000 You know what I mean?

01:12:21.000 But my point is this, that...

01:12:23.000 So how did he make you cry?

01:12:24.000 Well, he would make me go to golf with him.

01:12:26.000 What?

01:12:27.000 He plays golf, and I hate golf.

01:12:29.000 And I'd have to get early and bring the golf bag.

01:12:32.000 You would have to bring the bags.

01:12:33.000 I did it once or twice, and I stopped doing it.

01:12:35.000 He would tell you to carry the bags.

01:12:36.000 No, no, no.

01:12:37.000 One time he...

01:12:37.000 Let me move over that.

01:12:40.000 He made you carry bags?

01:12:41.000 One time I had to...

01:12:43.000 We played Denver once, and he made me sleep.

01:12:46.000 He didn't give me a hotel room.

01:12:47.000 This is what he wasn't doing as well.

01:12:49.000 It was in the beginning, and I had to sleep in Albert's closet.

01:12:52.000 Cut the fuck out of here.

01:12:54.000 He took you on the road with him and you didn't even get a hotel.

01:12:56.000 He wasn't selling out at the time.

01:12:58.000 This was literally in 96, 95. You know what I mean?

01:13:02.000 Wow.

01:13:03.000 He was always like a brother, in a sense.

01:13:08.000 You know what I mean?

01:13:10.000 He nurtured you.

01:13:11.000 He didn't nurture me.

01:13:14.000 How did you cry?

01:13:15.000 What made you cry?

01:13:16.000 Just having to get up and there was a time where you had to sell merch.

01:13:20.000 And as a young comic, you don't know what to do.

01:13:24.000 You want to make it.

01:13:25.000 You appreciate the stage time.

01:13:28.000 And it was just...

01:13:30.000 So he makes you work for him on top of just opening up for him?

01:13:34.000 Yeah, but to be honest, a lot of guys do that shit, dude.

01:13:36.000 Really?

01:13:37.000 Yeah, I don't.

01:13:38.000 Because I have openers now, and I treat them with the utmost.

01:13:41.000 Pauly does.

01:13:41.000 Yeah, Pauly does all the time.

01:13:42.000 You know what I mean?

01:13:43.000 Didn't Pauly get you to work for free?

01:13:44.000 Didn't Pauly...

01:13:45.000 That's another...

01:13:46.000 I cannot...

01:13:47.000 You can't discuss that?

01:13:49.000 No, because that's another, you know what I mean?

01:13:53.000 What is this, okay?

01:13:56.000 Mency is one thing, but Pauly, right?

01:13:59.000 He specifically made me a regular there.

01:14:03.000 Like, he made his mom pass me, right?

01:14:05.000 And so there is a specific relationship.

01:14:08.000 No one on planet Earth talks to me like Pauly talks to me.

01:14:12.000 In what way?

01:14:13.000 He talks to me like I'm literally his younger brother.

01:14:17.000 Still do they.

01:14:18.000 And I understand it because I've known him for so long.

01:14:21.000 But in the world, I'm almost 40. You know what I mean?

01:14:24.000 I don't let anyone talk to me the way Pauly talks to me.

01:14:27.000 But talks to you in a disrespectful way?

01:14:29.000 No, it's just like he'll say, dude.

01:14:32.000 He'll say stuff like, dude, you should be bigger than you are now.

01:14:36.000 You say, what about you, bitch?

01:14:38.000 Yeah, but the thing is...

01:14:39.000 Does she say that?

01:14:39.000 No.

01:14:40.000 I don't say that.

01:14:40.000 Say, what happened with you, Encino man?

01:14:43.000 Hey.

01:14:45.000 I have to go to the comedy store once in a while.

01:14:48.000 I don't want to burn any bridges.

01:14:49.000 See what I'm saying, though?

01:14:50.000 It's like that.

01:14:50.000 What I'm saying, someone talking to you like that's not nice.

01:14:53.000 Yeah, but Paulie also, you know, when I moved down...

01:14:56.000 He's like a big brother, though.

01:14:57.000 You know, I lived in his house.

01:14:58.000 You know what I mean?

01:14:58.000 You lived in his house?

01:14:59.000 Well, he charged me rent.

01:15:01.000 But the thing is, is that...

01:15:02.000 You know, and he brought me on the road, so it's like...

01:15:03.000 I'm going to pee really bad.

01:15:04.000 I'll be back in one second.

01:15:05.000 Okay.

01:15:06.000 Is that cool?

01:15:07.000 Sure.

01:15:07.000 Go ahead.

01:15:08.000 He's going to get his story straight.

01:15:09.000 He's going to go in there.

01:15:10.000 No, I don't have my story straight.

01:15:11.000 What if I said about Pauly?

01:15:12.000 No, no.

01:15:13.000 I'm just kidding.

01:15:14.000 I'm just kidding.

01:15:14.000 We're just fucking around.

01:15:15.000 Turn around.

01:15:15.000 So, Joe, I saw a movie last night.

01:15:17.000 You already bought it.

01:15:20.000 I guess it's on the way.

01:15:20.000 It's called Enter the Void.

01:15:22.000 And it is like somebody saw you talk about DMT and tried to write a script around it, around living in Tokyo.

01:15:30.000 Well, maybe they just did it.

01:15:32.000 Huh?

01:15:32.000 Well, no.

01:15:33.000 It has a lot to do with DMT. Yeah, but maybe they did DMT. Yeah, but how they describe it in the movie sounds like they're reenacting you.

01:15:41.000 You're going to fucking...

01:15:42.000 The movie was made for you.

01:15:44.000 Really?

01:15:44.000 It's amazing.

01:15:45.000 And then it gets really annoying.

01:15:46.000 But the first half of the movie is like, wow, this is fucking cool.

01:15:51.000 They show a DMT thing, what it feels like to be on DMT for the first half of the movie.

01:15:56.000 And there gets parts where it sounds exactly like how you describe it.

01:15:59.000 And then whoever directed the movie, which his name is...

01:16:02.000 Hold on, I'll tell you one second.

01:16:04.000 It's directed by Gaspar Ngo.

01:16:07.000 He is brilliant.

01:16:09.000 When does it come out on DVD? It came out Tuesday.

01:16:12.000 It's on Netflix.

01:16:13.000 So I probably already have it.

01:16:14.000 Netflix streaming HD too.

01:16:15.000 But it is so amazing.

01:16:18.000 If I ever make a movie, I want to make my movie look exactly like this guy.

01:16:21.000 Wow.

01:16:22.000 Brilliant.

01:16:23.000 But then it gets really annoying and there's all these like...

01:16:26.000 Well, one of the director's things is, like, it does, like, the strobe light thing through it.

01:16:30.000 It gets so bad that I feel like I'm getting hypnotized.

01:16:33.000 Like, this movie was made by Google or the government, and it's like, you'll see what I mean.

01:16:37.000 Like, you'll sit there and, like, I'm gonna have a seizure.

01:16:39.000 I'm having a seizure.

01:16:40.000 Wait, I'm being programmed to do something.

01:16:42.000 All right, this, you know, it's fucked up.

01:16:43.000 Do you know that there's an Olympic logo that they had to pull because it was giving people epileptic seizures?

01:16:48.000 Yeah.

01:16:48.000 It was an Al Roker thing where Al Roker, I listened to it on Opie and Anthony.

01:16:52.000 It was pretty fucking funny because Opie and Anthony were shitting on Al Roker because Al Roker was making fun of epileptics.

01:16:59.000 He said, so if you're still watching this, if you're not flopping around on the ground, you know, and so he starts making fun of it.

01:17:06.000 And then the next day he comes back and says, I was only making fun of the ad.

01:17:09.000 I was never making fun of epileptics.

01:17:11.000 Right.

01:17:12.000 Which is total bullshit.

01:17:12.000 When you see this though, it's amazing that there's not fucking five warnings on the DVD before you even watch it.

01:17:18.000 Because it's so bad that it feels like you're being fucking brainwashed.

01:17:22.000 Well, do you remember that dude that we had on the message board that had a...

01:17:24.000 His wife was epileptic and she would watch certain avatars on people's screens.

01:17:29.000 They had flashing avatars.

01:17:30.000 Yeah.

01:17:30.000 What was his name?

01:17:31.000 Jim.

01:17:32.000 Yeah.

01:17:32.000 He's a nice guy.

01:17:33.000 I hung out with him.

01:17:34.000 He was Marilyn Manson's webmaster.

01:17:36.000 Right.

01:17:36.000 Really fucking good dude.

01:17:37.000 Yeah.

01:17:38.000 I hung with him and his wife, and his wife has some weird condition where if she sees anything flashing, strobing, those little animated GIF files that fly, she would just, tongue rolls back, eyes roll back in her head, falls onto the ground.

01:17:52.000 This movie would make her pregnant.

01:17:53.000 That's how bad it is.

01:17:55.000 What the fuck?

01:17:55.000 What the fuck is it with people that certain things just make your brain shut off?

01:17:59.000 Like flashes and strobes.

01:18:00.000 I can understand that.

01:18:02.000 If you see this, you'll feel sick in your stomach when you see parts of this movie.

01:18:06.000 You'll have to turn away and look at the ground for five minutes.

01:18:08.000 But is the movie good?

01:18:09.000 The movie is the director.

01:18:11.000 You'll fall in love with the director.

01:18:13.000 The movie is so good at the beginning and interesting and you'll never see anything like it.

01:18:17.000 And the trips, the visuals, if you're stoned when you see it, you might have a panic attack.

01:18:21.000 I watched it in 3D last night and I was like, I am tripping right now.

01:18:24.000 I feel like I'm on acid right now.

01:18:26.000 Really?

01:18:26.000 It's so good.

01:18:27.000 Then it just gets boring and confusing.

01:18:30.000 Don't tell me about it.

01:18:32.000 Why would I watch it?

01:18:33.000 No, no.

01:18:34.000 It sounds interesting.

01:18:34.000 I mean, it's still, I like it, but it just kind of fades off after it gets, it's really cool.

01:18:38.000 And then it kind of just kind of does.

01:18:39.000 Well, you and I don't always agree on movies.

01:18:41.000 There's probably a few movies that you like.

01:18:42.000 Have you seen that movie Irreversible?

01:18:44.000 What?

01:18:45.000 Irreversible.

01:18:46.000 No, what's that about?

01:18:47.000 It's a movie played backwards, right?

01:18:49.000 And it's notorious because there's a five-minute rape scene in it, in a tunnel.

01:18:53.000 Right.

01:18:53.000 Which, I swear to God, the most brutal thing I've ever seen in my life.

01:18:57.000 Really?

01:18:58.000 And people online say it's the worst rape scene ever.

01:19:00.000 You have to see it.

01:19:01.000 Irreversible.

01:19:01.000 Is this a Japanese movie?

01:19:02.000 No, it's German or some shit like that.

01:19:04.000 Nice.

01:19:04.000 Yeah.

01:19:05.000 You know, they're fucked up.

01:19:05.000 Human centipede.

01:19:06.000 Not into that.

01:19:07.000 Not into watching people get raped.

01:19:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:09.000 I watched Food, Inc.

01:19:11.000 the other day.

01:19:11.000 Great.

01:19:11.000 And fucking destroyed.

01:19:13.000 Disturbing, man.

01:19:14.000 I watched it on the way home from West Palm Beach, Florida.

01:19:18.000 And it's disturbing as shit, dude.

01:19:20.000 When that lady started talking about her son dying and about her son got E. coli from a Jack-in-the-Box burger and how he was suffering at the end, I had to shut it off.

01:19:29.000 But even in the 70s, Jack-in-the-Box had a big controversy where not only one person died, but a bunch of people died.

01:19:33.000 Right.

01:19:34.000 Really?

01:19:34.000 Yeah, from their food.

01:19:35.000 Dude, Food Inc.

01:19:36.000 is scary as fuck.

01:19:37.000 And I've had some people email me and tweet me saying that, well, it's not really that bad.

01:19:42.000 This is propaganda.

01:19:43.000 They're just trying to shock you.

01:19:44.000 But how can they be trying to shock you if they're showing you reality?

01:19:47.000 I mean, if what they're showing exists on any level, it's terrifying.

01:19:51.000 When they show these cows that are caked in manure, and this one cow, there was a plastic ring, and his stomach was exposed, and they were reaching into his stomach.

01:20:00.000 I'm like, whoa, what the fuck?

01:20:02.000 And how about chickens, man?

01:20:03.000 If you didn't know, I mean, look, if you like your cheeseburgers and you like to go to Wendy's at 2 o'clock in the morning, and I do too, man, don't watch this movie.

01:20:11.000 It's going to fuck with your head.

01:20:13.000 But these chickens, they give these chickens steroids and antibiotics and all kinds of things, and they fuck with their genetics somehow or another to get them to grow so ridiculously big and plump that they can't walk.

01:20:24.000 And they die all the time.

01:20:26.000 They just fall down and die.

01:20:28.000 Not Foster Farms.

01:20:28.000 If people make fun of Chinese work, Yeah, they have those commercials about how they plump them up and put salts and stuff like that and just make them really fat with salt and water and stuff in foster farms.

01:20:38.000 Their whole advertising is based on that.

01:20:40.000 So their advertising is based on they don't use hormones.

01:20:42.000 Right.

01:20:43.000 Okay, well that's good to know, man.

01:20:44.000 It's good to know.

01:20:45.000 There's got to be a humane way to make food.

01:20:47.000 If it costs a couple bucks more, it's worth it.

01:20:49.000 I don't know how much more it would cost to not have cows.

01:20:52.000 I'm down with eating meat, okay?

01:20:55.000 Don't get me wrong, but the way that they're doing, the way they're producing meat for fast food, it's fucking crazy.

01:21:05.000 It's totally beyond being humane.

01:21:09.000 It's beyond that.

01:21:10.000 It's gotten to this factory, consciousness-less, just feelingless place where they're just stuffing all these animals in these small areas and getting as much bang for their buck as they can.

01:21:23.000 They suck.

01:21:24.000 They make this food like they make an iPod, like it's a factory system, right?

01:21:28.000 And if there's no love or care or anything, it's just let's make the product.

01:21:32.000 That's why people make fun of Chinese all the time for the things that they eat.

01:21:35.000 Like if you ever go to a Chinese market, you can get anything.

01:21:38.000 Butterfly wings or, you know what I mean?

01:21:40.000 Or, you know what I mean?

01:21:40.000 The shoulder of a meerkat or whatever, you know what I mean?

01:21:42.000 Like they'll eat anything.

01:21:44.000 But the thing is that Americans eat way worse.

01:21:46.000 With these cows, you know what I mean?

01:21:48.000 Just tainted meat.

01:21:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:21:50.000 People think that, well, also, first of all, China has a billion people.

01:21:54.000 And it's self-sustainable.

01:21:56.000 China doesn't import food from anywhere else.

01:21:57.000 So that's pretty crazy in and of itself.

01:21:59.000 They're able to feed a billion people.

01:22:01.000 When you feed a billion people like that, you've got to eat bugs.

01:22:05.000 There is a restaurant in Bangkok that serves animal dick.

01:22:07.000 That's all they do.

01:22:08.000 And there's a six-month waiting list to get into this restaurant.

01:22:11.000 What?

01:22:11.000 Animal dick.

01:22:12.000 In Bangkok?

01:22:13.000 How do you order that?

01:22:15.000 I'd whisper...

01:22:15.000 There was an Anthony Bourdain show the other day where they were serving animal dick soup.

01:22:20.000 Apparently it was really good.

01:22:22.000 Yeah, you're supposed to get your V-roll.

01:22:24.000 Wow.

01:22:24.000 Really?

01:22:25.000 Check this out.

01:22:25.000 That movie you brought up, Irreversible, whatever it's called, and the movie I was talking about, same director.

01:22:31.000 What is the fucking odds of that shit, dude?

01:22:33.000 Really?

01:22:34.000 That is insane.

01:22:34.000 That's insane.

01:22:35.000 Wow.

01:22:36.000 Yeah, it was a good movie.

01:22:37.000 This director...

01:22:38.000 You'll love Irreversible, though.

01:22:41.000 That's crazy.

01:22:42.000 But you'll stop at the five-minute rape scene.

01:22:44.000 You'll turn it off.

01:22:45.000 Well, that was what I was saying.

01:22:46.000 I was so sad when I was watching this woman cry that her son died from Jack in the Box.

01:22:49.000 I was like...

01:22:50.000 This is just bumming me the fuck out.

01:22:52.000 I get it.

01:22:53.000 The food's fucked up.

01:22:54.000 The whole situation's fucked up.

01:22:55.000 I don't really need to keep going here.

01:22:56.000 It's like, what are you going to do, though?

01:22:58.000 That's the big question.

01:23:00.000 The problem with us is, with everybody, is you're always doing something.

01:23:03.000 You're busy.

01:23:03.000 You're hungry.

01:23:05.000 What are you going to do?

01:23:05.000 There's a supermarket, but you don't have time to go there.

01:23:07.000 Especially on the road.

01:23:08.000 Yeah, especially on the road.

01:23:09.000 The Waffle House is open, and you're like, okay, I have to go there.

01:23:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:12.000 The road gets creepy, as far as food choices go.

01:23:15.000 I always bring vitamins with me, and I try to eat as much salad and stuff on the road as possible.

01:23:20.000 I don't understand how they don't have 24-hour restaurants in small towns.

01:23:25.000 If everything closes at 11, it's like you can't eat anything.

01:23:27.000 You have to go to the wall.

01:23:28.000 I've been to Walmarts at like 3 in the morning, just getting like fruit, you know what I mean?

01:23:34.000 Just surviving.

01:23:35.000 Yeah.

01:23:36.000 It's insane.

01:23:37.000 Yeah, if you go to small towns, there's no 24-hour food.

01:23:40.000 Yeah.

01:23:40.000 Yeah, that's a tricky thing.

01:23:41.000 And you're staying at the Holiday Inn, there's no room service either.

01:23:44.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:23:45.000 I've been there.

01:23:46.000 Something we talked about a couple weeks ago came true when we were talking about how people's jobs are getting taken away by robots and stuff like that.

01:23:52.000 I was at El Puyoloco the other day, which is like a Mexican chicken place, and they had the order yourself kiosk up now where you sit there, menu screen, like taco, special instructions, no, burrito, and then you pay for it, kind of like a grocery store, and then they just call out your name and give you your food.

01:24:11.000 So they cut out the person that takes the order.

01:24:14.000 And it's actually nicer.

01:24:15.000 It was so nice because, you know, a lot of times you order, but you don't even think like, yeah, I would like extra tomatoes on this, but I don't want to be extra.

01:24:21.000 How many times have you been in a fast food place and you're talking, it's like, who?

01:24:23.000 There was a girl on the MADtv that had a really funny sketch about that.

01:24:27.000 There was a girl on MADtv, she's very pretty, and she had a very funny sketch about a girl who was the counter help, but she was always like...

01:24:33.000 Oh, Bong Kukri?

01:24:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:34.000 That one, yeah, yeah.

01:24:35.000 Angela.

01:24:35.000 Who does that?

01:24:35.000 Angela Johnson?

01:24:36.000 She's very funny.

01:24:37.000 Yeah, she's very funny, yeah.

01:24:38.000 That girl had a really funny Vietnamese nail salon.

01:24:41.000 Yeah, that one too, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:24:41.000 Doesn't that bit have like 10 million hits or something on YouTube?

01:24:43.000 Yeah, she's a sellout on the road.

01:24:45.000 From that bit?

01:24:46.000 She's killing it.

01:24:46.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:24:47.000 And how many minutes does she have as an act?

01:24:49.000 22 minutes, 23 minutes.

01:24:50.000 That's hysterical.

01:24:51.000 I'd heard that she was a middle, and she was middling and crushing and filling places, and then the headliner would go on after him.

01:24:56.000 Half the people would leave.

01:24:57.000 Well, Steve-O's doing that now.

01:24:59.000 Really?

01:24:59.000 He's middling?

01:25:00.000 No, he was in New York.

01:25:02.000 He hosted, but now he's closing, but he closes with 30, which is fine.

01:25:06.000 Well, what he should do is host.

01:25:07.000 What guys should do if they're not really...

01:25:09.000 Bring a bunch of good comics on the road with you and host.

01:25:12.000 Yeah.

01:25:12.000 You know, I watched Charlie Murphy develop an act from nowhere.

01:25:16.000 You know, I met Charlie two years into his journey, you know, and I watched him as he was trying to put together his acting.

01:25:21.000 Charlie went right to headlining, man.

01:25:23.000 Yeah, I know.

01:25:24.000 And it was fucking hard.

01:25:25.000 I bet.

01:25:26.000 Fucking unbelievable hard.

01:25:26.000 Did you see that thing online of him getting booed?

01:25:29.000 Oh my god, so awful.

01:25:30.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:25:31.000 And it's that room.

01:25:33.000 That room is so retarded.

01:25:34.000 What room is that?

01:25:40.000 What?

01:25:40.000 Here's what I'm saying.

01:25:41.000 Black crowds?

01:25:41.000 No, that's not what I'm saying.

01:25:42.000 That's not exactly what I said.

01:25:43.000 I didn't say that at all.

01:25:44.000 So what did you say?

01:25:45.000 Those kind of rooms are fucking hard.

01:25:49.000 Difficult.

01:25:49.000 Retarded was the wrong word.

01:25:51.000 Black crowds.

01:25:51.000 Shock the Sundays.

01:25:52.000 Black crowds, once you start failing, they're not rooting for you to get back on your feet.

01:25:57.000 What I'm saying is that I go on the road and I get black people to come to my show.

01:26:02.000 And they're legitimate fans.

01:26:04.000 And I love them dearly.

01:26:05.000 That's not what I'm talking about.

01:26:07.000 There's a cultural thing, you know what I mean?

01:26:09.000 When you go to certain areas like South Philly or whatever, and you do a show, and it's all black, even in the lineup, and you have to perform, it's the most difficult situation ever.

01:26:22.000 Right.

01:26:22.000 For a guy like me.

01:26:24.000 Well, you know, it's a different kind of crowd and I think the good thing about those crowds is that they don't let you be indulgent and they want your jokes to come quick.

01:26:32.000 They want to come quick.

01:26:33.000 Yeah.

01:26:33.000 They don't want to wait around.

01:26:35.000 They're also tonal, right?

01:26:37.000 You can't be monotone.

01:26:38.000 No.

01:26:39.000 You got it!

01:26:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:26:41.000 Some excitement.

01:26:42.000 Attitude.

01:26:43.000 That's right!

01:26:44.000 You know what I mean?

01:26:45.000 Or whatever.

01:26:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:26:46.000 Because now I'm like, I used to be more energetic.

01:26:48.000 Now I just kind of talk like this.

01:26:50.000 Because I want to be more myself.

01:26:53.000 No, not only that.

01:26:53.000 It's because...

01:26:54.000 No, it's because it's pace.

01:26:58.000 Right.

01:26:58.000 You know, when I first started headlining, I wanted to do what I did as an opener, which is go out and gung-ho get them.

01:27:05.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:06.000 As a headliner.

01:27:06.000 And then 15 minutes in, you're out.

01:27:09.000 Right.

01:27:09.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:10.000 You just can't do that pace for 45 minutes.

01:27:12.000 Well, you gotta...

01:27:13.000 First of all, it's not fun for the audience either.

01:27:15.000 You gotta create a show.

01:27:16.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:27:16.000 It's like when you go to see a movie, it's not an opening gun scene that lasts for 90 minutes and then the thing shuts off.

01:27:22.000 You're like, what the fuck did I just watch?

01:27:23.000 Yeah, so now I build...

01:27:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:25.000 Yeah.

01:27:25.000 And you have peaks and valleys.

01:27:27.000 Yeah, but in Black Rooms, you can't do that.

01:27:30.000 Can't do that?

01:27:31.000 What?

01:27:31.000 There's no peaking?

01:27:32.000 You just hammer it?

01:27:33.000 I just feel like you have to be like Earthquake and just hammer it away.

01:27:37.000 Well, he's hilarious.

01:27:38.000 How long does Earthquake do?

01:27:39.000 45. But he's like perfect.

01:27:43.000 45 sprinting uphill.

01:27:45.000 Shooting all the way.

01:27:47.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27:48.000 Throw your backpack back and lie on your grass.

01:27:52.000 And then once you lose them, like in a white room, when you lose them, you think, I'll get them back.

01:27:56.000 Right.

01:27:56.000 There's no getting black crowds back.

01:27:58.000 Wow, I want to try it.

01:27:59.000 I want to try it black.

01:28:00.000 You will die.

01:28:01.000 You will die up there, son.

01:28:03.000 You will get barbecued.

01:28:05.000 The most important thing with black rooms is economy of words, first of all, and a short attention span.

01:28:10.000 You've got to hammer them with bits.

01:28:12.000 I did my black version of my set once at Flappers and Burbank, and it actually killed.

01:28:18.000 What do you mean a black version?

01:28:20.000 I just do it more like he said.

01:28:21.000 Instead of doing your jokes normal, I kind of be like...

01:28:24.000 I went to the store the other day to get a hat.

01:28:26.000 My girlfriend got the same one.

01:28:28.000 He's just starting out.

01:28:30.000 He's just starting out.

01:28:31.000 You know Aziz?

01:28:32.000 Or whatever his name is?

01:28:34.000 Aziz?

01:28:43.000 Az Lappers and Burbank Club.

01:28:49.000 Have you played there?

01:28:49.000 Never been there.

01:28:50.000 I may never play there.

01:28:51.000 I heard it's good.

01:28:52.000 It's really nice.

01:28:53.000 I heard it's nice.

01:28:53.000 Brand new.

01:28:54.000 You'd like it.

01:28:56.000 No, I just don't do well in those kind of things.

01:28:57.000 What do you mean you don't do well?

01:28:58.000 I don't do good in Ha Ha.

01:29:00.000 The Ha Ha Cafe?

01:29:01.000 Yeah.

01:29:01.000 Why not?

01:29:02.000 Because I don't know what it is.

01:29:04.000 I think what it is is because it's free.

01:29:07.000 Oh, the audience is not paying to go there?

01:29:10.000 Is that what it is?

01:29:10.000 That's not what I'm saying.

01:29:10.000 What I'm saying though is that...

01:29:12.000 You're doing this free set?

01:29:13.000 No, that's not what I'm saying either.

01:29:14.000 What I'm saying is that there's two types of audiences, I feel.

01:29:17.000 That's why I don't comp when I go on the road because of the fact that if you comp, there's a general feeling of like...

01:29:24.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:24.000 It's not a good show.

01:29:25.000 It's not a good show.

01:29:26.000 You don't expect much.

01:29:27.000 Exactly.

01:29:27.000 But when you have people pay, people are respectful.

01:29:31.000 Yes.

01:29:31.000 You don't have as many hecklers, you know what I mean?

01:29:33.000 And I'm fine.

01:29:34.000 I don't care who comes.

01:29:35.000 But the thing is, is that, ha ha, right?

01:29:37.000 They don't, not only do they not pay you, but you have to pay for your drinks.

01:29:42.000 Right.

01:29:42.000 Like, can I get a Red Bull?

01:29:43.000 They go, it's $3 or whatever.

01:29:45.000 I'm like, I'm playing it for free.

01:29:47.000 You know what I mean?

01:29:47.000 Already there's a feeling of disrespect.

01:29:50.000 Now, I don't know what Flappers is like, but I just don't like that disrespect.

01:29:53.000 Flappers is a real club.

01:29:54.000 It's nice.

01:29:55.000 I know what you're talking about, though.

01:29:56.000 There's some fringe clubs that are used to dealing with open micers and guys doing brainer shows.

01:30:01.000 That's what it is.

01:30:02.000 There's a disrespect.

01:30:02.000 When you go and do a set there, they don't treat you differently.

01:30:05.000 Like, well, here's a...

01:30:07.000 And I don't need, dude, I don't need much.

01:30:09.000 All I need is this.

01:30:10.000 Can I get a drink for free?

01:30:12.000 Like a bottle of water?

01:30:13.000 Okay.

01:30:14.000 And in town, of course, I'll do a million free shows.

01:30:17.000 You know what I mean?

01:30:18.000 And be respectful.

01:30:20.000 Isn't it funny how places like that are just a little bit outside of the city and they're a different world.

01:30:24.000 It's a different world, yeah.

01:30:25.000 It's a different world.

01:30:26.000 The crowd feels different when you do North Hollywood, do ha-ha.

01:30:29.000 You see races you've never seen before.

01:30:30.000 Like, is that an Aztec Indian?

01:30:32.000 You know what I mean?

01:30:32.000 Or whatever, you know what I mean?

01:30:33.000 Like, I thought that guy's died off or something.

01:30:37.000 Yeah, it's weird.

01:30:38.000 Where's your favorite club to work out at?

01:30:40.000 Seattle.

01:30:41.000 Seattle?

01:30:42.000 The Comedy Underground?

01:30:43.000 No.

01:30:43.000 What place?

01:30:44.000 Parlor Live.

01:30:45.000 Parlor Live?

01:30:46.000 What is that?

01:30:46.000 No.

01:30:47.000 Parlor Live is a new club there, and it's attached to one of the Microsoft buildings.

01:30:51.000 Yeah?

01:30:51.000 Yeah, and it's like, it's a nightlife.

01:30:54.000 They have pool hall, dance club, comedy club in one floor.

01:30:58.000 How big is the comedy club?

01:30:59.000 It's huge.

01:31:00.000 It's like, not huge, but it's 300. Really?

01:31:03.000 And it's one of those places where I sell out.

01:31:05.000 Is it Seattle?

01:31:05.000 Yeah.

01:31:06.000 It's like, it's a little outside of Seattle, but it's like 15 minutes from the city, right?

01:31:11.000 And it's called Beaumont.

01:31:13.000 Okay.

01:31:14.000 And literally, it's clean.

01:31:15.000 Like, you know, the stage is nice.

01:31:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:18.000 Right.

01:31:19.000 The green room is clean, brand new couches.

01:31:21.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:22.000 Right.

01:31:22.000 It's just a nice, nice environment.

01:31:24.000 Right.

01:31:25.000 You make a lot of money.

01:31:26.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:26.000 You like Seattle?

01:31:27.000 Yeah.

01:31:28.000 And the kids or the people that are in the audience are nerdy.

01:31:32.000 They make money.

01:31:33.000 Right.

01:31:34.000 Right?

01:31:34.000 And they're just happy to be there.

01:31:36.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:37.000 It's weird how parts of the country are not hit by the economy and other ones are.

01:31:41.000 That's one of them.

01:31:41.000 Yeah.

01:31:42.000 When I was in West Palm, they were telling me that, no, we didn't really get hit by the economy.

01:31:46.000 I know.

01:31:46.000 I know, it's crazy.

01:31:46.000 Because it's all like retirees and old people with money.

01:31:49.000 I'm sure some people from West Palm are like, fuck you, we got hit.

01:31:52.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:31:52.000 But the club was like, they really didn't suffer.

01:31:56.000 Yeah, like Kansas City, they suffered, it feels like.

01:31:58.000 There was a suffering.

01:31:59.000 That's the kind of place that would suffer.

01:32:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:32:00.000 Yeah, like Iowa.

01:32:01.000 Yeah.

01:32:02.000 Yeah.

01:32:02.000 The whole thing is so strange because I don't understand the economy.

01:32:05.000 So I'm always like, okay, well, I guess it's better now.

01:32:07.000 Is it better now?

01:32:08.000 Is it coming around?

01:32:09.000 It's not.

01:32:09.000 Like my parents, for the last 35 years, owned their own clothing store.

01:32:14.000 They had owned a business.

01:32:15.000 You know, it's called, at first it was called Fashion Gal.

01:32:17.000 It's a clothing store for fat ethnic women.

01:32:19.000 Fashion girl?

01:32:20.000 Yeah, Fashion Gal.

01:32:22.000 Fashion Gal.

01:32:23.000 Yeah.

01:32:23.000 And so it's like, cater to, it's like Lane Bryant, but for ethnics.

01:32:26.000 Okay.

01:32:27.000 Okay.

01:32:27.000 And they did fine over the last 30 years.

01:32:30.000 And as soon as the economy hit, I mean, they went bankrupt.

01:32:33.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:34.000 I had to pay for their mortgage.

01:32:35.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:35.000 And they are destitute.

01:32:37.000 Man.

01:32:38.000 It is tough.

01:32:39.000 They live in Phoenix.

01:32:40.000 You know, it's tough for them.

01:32:41.000 And they had to fire their whole staff.

01:32:42.000 Now they work and they're in their 70s.

01:32:45.000 Whoa.

01:32:45.000 Where do they work now?

01:32:46.000 At the same place.

01:32:47.000 At the store.

01:32:48.000 It's called Changes now.

01:32:50.000 And they do shifts.

01:32:52.000 Like my mom will do the morning shift.

01:32:53.000 My dad will come in.

01:32:54.000 And there's a bottle of...

01:32:55.000 There's literally a bottle of piss.

01:32:57.000 Like a jug of piss.

01:32:58.000 Because they don't have any employees, right?

01:33:00.000 So my dad has to piss in a jug.

01:33:02.000 Oh my god.

01:33:03.000 Right?

01:33:03.000 Because he can't leave the station.

01:33:04.000 He can't leave the store.

01:33:05.000 Oh my god.

01:33:06.000 And he doesn't have a bathroom there.

01:33:08.000 No.

01:33:08.000 It's in the mall, right?

01:33:09.000 Oh my god.

01:33:11.000 So it is sad.

01:33:12.000 What if he has to shit?

01:33:14.000 He just holds it.

01:33:15.000 What?

01:33:16.000 Well, unless it's a turtle head situation.

01:33:17.000 He could die.

01:33:18.000 He could die, yeah.

01:33:19.000 He should get a diaper.

01:33:20.000 So everyone go to, what's it called again?

01:33:23.000 What's the name?

01:33:23.000 Changes.

01:33:24.000 Everyone go to Changes.

01:33:25.000 It's in Arizona.

01:33:26.000 What part of Arizona?

01:33:27.000 Phoenix, like outside of the Chandler or something.

01:33:29.000 Fuck, man.

01:33:29.000 Mesa, something like that.

01:33:30.000 Yeah, that's a scary thing being an old person when your body is slowly starting to fade away and you're still laboring every day.

01:33:37.000 And by the way, that takes years off your life.

01:33:39.000 Getting up before you want to, working, doing things you don't want to do all day.

01:33:43.000 Yeah, but I told my dad, I go, Dad, you don't have to work.

01:33:46.000 They need, what, $2,500, $3,000 a month.

01:33:49.000 Right.

01:33:50.000 To get by, right?

01:33:51.000 Maybe even less, right?

01:33:52.000 I said, you know what?

01:33:52.000 I said, with the unemployment and social security, retire, and I'll take that over the rest.

01:33:59.000 That's very generous.

01:33:59.000 And you know what my dad said?

01:34:00.000 What?

01:34:01.000 If I don't work, I die.

01:34:04.000 Wow.

01:34:04.000 Right?

01:34:04.000 So I go, all right, keep working.

01:34:06.000 Because I don't want him to die, you know?

01:34:07.000 Good call.

01:34:08.000 Yeah, but it's sad because he's still got that ethnic, that Asian work ethic.

01:34:13.000 That they have to work.

01:34:14.000 That's a trippy thing, dude.

01:34:16.000 It's fucking crazy, dude.

01:34:17.000 Yeah, it's a very weird thing, man, dealing with people's mortality and parents.

01:34:21.000 God!

01:34:21.000 It's weird when you realize, and especially your parents get to a certain point in time when you realize you probably have more information in your head about the way the world works than your parents do.

01:34:29.000 Yeah.

01:34:29.000 Because your parents grew up in a totally different time.

01:34:32.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:32.000 You know, they weren't curious when they were young.

01:34:35.000 Yeah.

01:34:35.000 Fucking, it's a strange, strange thing, man.

01:34:38.000 Yeah, it's actually kind of sad.

01:34:40.000 It is?

01:34:41.000 Yeah.

01:34:41.000 And it's going to be you someday, too, maybe.

01:34:42.000 You think you'll have kids?

01:34:43.000 No.

01:34:44.000 Never?

01:34:44.000 No, no, no.

01:34:45.000 You're going to get snipped?

01:34:46.000 Go Doug Stanhope style?

01:34:47.000 No.

01:34:48.000 No?

01:34:48.000 Just hope?

01:34:49.000 No, because I masturbate so much that what comes out is like vising drops.

01:34:52.000 Yeah, me too.

01:34:53.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:34:53.000 Like bloop, bloop, and it's done.

01:34:54.000 That's it?

01:34:55.000 How many times a day are you masturbating?

01:34:56.000 I do now a couple times.

01:34:58.000 Sometimes two eyes, once maybe.

01:34:59.000 How often do you use the flashlight?

01:35:01.000 I haven't used it in six months.

01:35:02.000 Really?

01:35:03.000 You just go use your hands instead?

01:35:05.000 Yeah.

01:35:05.000 What's wrong with you?

01:35:06.000 Why?

01:35:06.000 Flashlight feels better.

01:35:08.000 Yeah, but then I have to heat the oil, then I have to let it cool, then I have to put the batteries in the back, you know.

01:35:13.000 Speaking of sex, there's a fucking, there's a story in the news today, and apparently it's a legit story.

01:35:19.000 There's a man who's suing GlaxoSmithKline, the pharmaceutical company, and he's alleging that there's a drug that they gave him to treat Parkinson's disease that turned him into a gay sex and gambling addict.

01:35:33.000 Yeah.

01:35:34.000 At 51 years old, the guy said, That's

01:36:25.000 not what happened, though.

01:36:26.000 No, but listen, man, you're not right.

01:36:28.000 It's not true.

01:36:29.000 Because I put this up on Twitter, and a bunch of people who, you know, neuropsychologists and a bunch of different people who are qualified, started sending me, like, I got like six or seven tweets from people who either are studying it in school or actually doctors in the field, and they were saying that it's a dopamine agonist, I think that's the word, and that it does facilitate addiction, and it can interrupt your natural patterns of thinking.

01:36:54.000 No, I agree with that.

01:36:56.000 But what I'm saying is that if you have an addiction of exposing yourself and doing gay sex, that's been hidden inside you for many years.

01:37:05.000 So you think this was just suppressed?

01:37:06.000 It's not out of the blue that I want to suck dick out of the blue.

01:37:12.000 The police taking a crazy drug.

01:37:13.000 No, not out of the blue.

01:37:15.000 Maybe it seemed more exciting to him.

01:37:17.000 Maybe it never, like regular sex, he's 51 years old.

01:37:20.000 Maybe regular sex was, God, I'm so tired of getting laid.

01:37:23.000 I mean, think about another 11 years for you.

01:37:24.000 You're 40 years old.

01:37:25.000 Think about another 11 years from now.

01:37:27.000 You're like, God, I'm so tired of your pussy.

01:37:28.000 This is so boring.

01:37:29.000 And then somebody gives you the drug.

01:37:30.000 You're like, why don't you go suck some cock?

01:37:32.000 And you're like, why don't I suck some cock?

01:37:34.000 Why don't you dress up like a girl?

01:37:35.000 Damn.

01:37:36.000 I've heard this phenomenon when people are so jaded with sex, like rock stars or whatever, that they get so tired of it, it just turns into Dick.

01:37:45.000 You know what I mean?

01:37:46.000 I don't agree with that either.

01:37:48.000 I think Dick was always in the picture.

01:37:51.000 Yeah, but I think everybody's got their own little story about how...

01:37:53.000 I mean, there was a lot of bisexuality going on in the 70s, according to many people, Mick Jagger and David Bowie and Lou Reed.

01:38:01.000 Yeah, all that stuff.

01:38:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:02.000 But I think a lot of that was like...

01:38:04.000 You know, probably one crafty gay dude talked all these other dudes into, you know, it's just cool, man.

01:38:09.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:38:10.000 Plus, they're all doing acid and experimenting with their consciousness.

01:38:14.000 And, you know, it is like one of those lost taboos.

01:38:17.000 It's like, okay, well, let's stop and look into why is gay sex such a massive taboo.

01:38:21.000 Okay, I agree with this, okay?

01:38:22.000 If you're fucked up.

01:38:24.000 You're faded.

01:38:25.000 You're drinking.

01:38:26.000 You're almost in a blackout drunk.

01:38:27.000 You know what I mean?

01:38:28.000 And you're with David Boy and you're a big rock star.

01:38:31.000 And David Boy pulls out his penis.

01:38:33.000 He's like, suck it.

01:38:34.000 You know what I mean?

01:38:35.000 I don't know.

01:38:35.000 Why do you have to be blacked out drunk?

01:38:37.000 What I was just saying was maybe they're experimenting with different ways of looking at the world.

01:38:40.000 Maybe they're being an artist and being like...

01:38:43.000 A rock star, being a creative person.

01:38:46.000 There's a lot of people that are creative people that are willing to take weird chances and do weird things just to see what...

01:38:51.000 Maybe.

01:38:51.000 I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

01:38:53.000 So what are you saying?

01:38:54.000 You know what I mean?

01:38:54.000 I have gay people that represent me.

01:38:57.000 Oh, don't go there.

01:38:58.000 Stop that.

01:38:58.000 I'm not racist.

01:38:59.000 I have black friends.

01:39:00.000 No, no.

01:39:00.000 Okay.

01:39:01.000 Oh, you're right.

01:39:02.000 You're right.

01:39:02.000 But what I'm saying is this.

01:39:04.000 I don't have anything against the lifestyle.

01:39:08.000 But you're convinced, though, that this wasn't because of the pills.

01:39:12.000 No, what I'm saying is that...

01:39:12.000 What I'm saying is...

01:39:13.000 What's this guy's name?

01:39:14.000 Ted...

01:39:15.000 Ted Haggard.

01:39:16.000 Haggard, right?

01:39:17.000 Just out of the blue, you know what I mean?

01:39:19.000 He doesn't matter.

01:39:19.000 He's never said out of the blue that he...

01:39:21.000 He said he was gay the whole time.

01:39:22.000 He never said that.

01:39:23.000 He's been doing interviews recently where he says he was bisexual.

01:39:26.000 The whole time.

01:39:27.000 Yeah, he said what his issue is...

01:39:29.000 But that's what I'm saying, though.

01:39:30.000 But that's not what you're saying.

01:39:31.000 No, what I'm saying...

01:39:32.000 Okay, but this guy that never had any sexual encounters...

01:39:36.000 He hid it.

01:39:36.000 Yeah, that's why I would think that Bobby...

01:39:38.000 What Bobby's saying is probably true, too.

01:39:40.000 Like, he probably had it in the back of his head.

01:39:42.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:39:42.000 And because of socialization, right, he just refuses to address it.

01:39:47.000 And I agree that the pill did something to open his mind up, maybe.

01:39:51.000 You know what I mean?

01:39:52.000 But I feel like that instinct is there.

01:39:55.000 Yeah, you don't know what I mean.

01:39:56.000 Okay, that is a possibility, but why would you want to decide one way or another without being that guy?

01:40:01.000 Why would you even make a judgment call?

01:40:03.000 How the fuck could you know what caused this guy to do gay sex?

01:40:06.000 And once you go into his past and interview him and find out, have you ever been attracted to guys?

01:40:11.000 Did you ever have a wrestling match where you got a boner?

01:40:13.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:40:15.000 It is possible.

01:40:17.000 If attraction and all these different things are really neurochemical reactions that we have inside of our mind or inside of our brain, if we figure out a way to stimulate certain parts of the brain with...

01:40:27.000 Look, think about what we can do as far as antidepressants and all sorts of things that affect mood and neurochemistry.

01:40:33.000 What if they can give you something that makes you attracted to the opposite sex?

01:40:36.000 What if they can give you something that you're gay and all of a sudden you like girls?

01:40:39.000 Or give you something where you're heterosexual?

01:40:43.000 They were trying to do that in Iraq.

01:40:44.000 They were trying to come out with a bomb.

01:40:46.000 The CIA was.

01:40:47.000 They actually put research and development into this.

01:40:49.000 A gay bomb.

01:40:50.000 A bomb that they would detonate and it would be some sort of a chemical agent that would go into the air and it would make all these soldiers become rabidly attracted to each other and they would lose morale.

01:40:59.000 They would just start fucking.

01:41:00.000 But I even think I'm the strongest of ecstasy.

01:41:03.000 I never wanted to suck a dick.

01:41:04.000 That's not ecstasy.

01:41:05.000 We're not talking about ecstasy.

01:41:06.000 I know, but it doesn't seem like any drug would switch that, though.

01:41:09.000 Ecstasy has a very specific affection reaction, but it doesn't make you sexually attracted to someone.

01:41:14.000 It is possible.

01:41:15.000 It's very possible that there could be something as strong as what ecstasy does for you in terms of affection and sensitivity and feeling for things and a loosening of insecurities.

01:41:23.000 It's very possible that something else could do it in another way that all of a sudden makes you gay.

01:41:28.000 I mean, if you talk to a gay guy, like we have gay friends, and not you and I together.

01:41:33.000 We have gay friends.

01:41:34.000 We go to the gym and go see Bobby Lee.

01:41:36.000 Hey, Bobby!

01:41:38.000 We go watch musicals.

01:41:41.000 When you talk to them, they never feel like there's something wrong with them.

01:41:45.000 They feel pretty fucking normal.

01:41:47.000 So what is it that separates...

01:41:49.000 I can't say his name, but the dude who's our friend, who's the piano guy from the store.

01:41:54.000 Great fucking guy.

01:41:55.000 So what is the difference between him and us?

01:41:58.000 Well, the only difference is that he's attracted to men.

01:42:00.000 Where is the connection in his mind?

01:42:02.000 Is it a chemical door that gets opened?

01:42:04.000 Is it a chromosome thing?

01:42:07.000 Is it a genetic thing?

01:42:08.000 What is it?

01:42:09.000 You know?

01:42:10.000 Yeah.

01:42:11.000 You know, there's a theory about homosexuality, and one of the more interesting theories was they did a study in Rome, and what they found is that when women are promiscuous, especially like habitually promiscuous, women that constantly cheat on their men, they have a disproportionate amount of gay sons.

01:42:30.000 And they believe that what it is is a variation of the X chromosome.

01:42:35.000 Women have double X chromosome.

01:42:37.000 Men have XY. And they believe that there is a variation of the X chromosome among certain women that makes them incredibly attracted to men to the point where literally they can't even fucking control themselves.

01:42:47.000 Their number one obsession is getting new dick.

01:42:50.000 They just want to get new dick all the time.

01:42:52.000 And this gets transferred into their sons.

01:42:54.000 And their son all of a sudden has this incredible attraction to men.

01:42:57.000 Wow.

01:42:58.000 Totally makes sense.

01:42:59.000 Yeah.

01:43:00.000 Because haven't you met girls like that?

01:43:02.000 No.

01:43:03.000 You never met a girl that's just a fucking freak?

01:43:04.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:43:05.000 We've all met girls that just seemingly this poor girl's broken and she just can't help fucking everybody.

01:43:11.000 Yeah.

01:43:11.000 You know?

01:43:12.000 But the only way to truly find out if this is true is for me to take that pill and I'm not going to do it.

01:43:16.000 Well, it doesn't exist.

01:43:17.000 But, I mean, this drug exists.

01:43:19.000 No, this drug.

01:43:19.000 This one.

01:43:20.000 But here's the thing.

01:43:21.000 It's one guy, okay?

01:43:22.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:43:23.000 How many people took it and it just cured their Parkinson's?

01:43:25.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:43:25.000 That's what I'm saying, though, Joe.

01:43:27.000 No, no, no, but that doesn't mean anything.

01:43:28.000 No, no, no, no.

01:43:29.000 Listen, it doesn't mean anything.

01:43:30.000 Because look, how many people are addicted to peanut butter?

01:43:32.000 I'm not.

01:43:33.000 I just had peanut butter and I'm fine.

01:43:34.000 But if you give peanut butter to a guy who's addicted to peanut butter, he fucking dies.

01:43:37.000 His throat closes up.

01:43:39.000 He can't get any air in.

01:43:39.000 There's a biological variation in human beings.

01:43:42.000 And you have to take that into account.

01:43:43.000 What if for this guy's, for whatever weird tweak, he takes this fucking drug and goes on a gay sex rampage?

01:43:50.000 You might be totally right.

01:43:51.000 He might be a freak, and he might be just a loser, and he lost all his money, and that's why he's suing this company.

01:43:56.000 Okay, how about this?

01:43:57.000 How about this?

01:43:58.000 Can I say this?

01:43:58.000 Could be.

01:43:59.000 That's what my money is.

01:44:00.000 I take the pill.

01:44:01.000 Let's say I'm that guy, right?

01:44:01.000 I take the pill.

01:44:02.000 I go on a gay sex rampage, right?

01:44:05.000 How about me just not taking it ever again?

01:44:08.000 Well, it wasn't just that.

01:44:10.000 I'm not taking the pill again.

01:44:11.000 This guy also lost all his money.

01:44:12.000 Yeah, on gambling.

01:44:13.000 I think that's...

01:44:14.000 He hit his bottom.

01:44:15.000 Don't take the pill anymore.

01:44:16.000 Right.

01:44:16.000 Well, you're a 12-step guy, so you understand about all that shit where people are in denial about that shit.

01:44:21.000 You know what I mean?

01:44:22.000 It's a weird thing when you're around people that are in denial about what caused their issues, right?

01:44:27.000 Yeah, and there's also...

01:44:27.000 I know that doing drugs and that kind of behavior isn't the root of the problem.

01:44:31.000 The root of the problem is something else.

01:44:32.000 Those are just symptoms.

01:44:33.000 Right.

01:44:34.000 But if a guy is or has been shown to be a fine, upstanding human being, I mean, I don't know this guy's history.

01:44:41.000 That's the problem with having this stupid argument, or this conversation, rather.

01:44:45.000 When you lose that much money in gambling, immediately that's a red flag to me.

01:44:48.000 Like, okay, this guy's probably going to win.

01:44:49.000 But it wasn't until after he got on the medication that he started gambling.

01:44:53.000 Apparently he didn't gamble before that.

01:44:55.000 Yeah.

01:44:55.000 Gamblers are often, you know, they tell the truth.

01:44:58.000 I don't have a problem with gambling, but I easily could have.

01:45:01.000 I was terrified of it when I used to play pool and I used to be around a lot of gambling addicts.

01:45:06.000 I was around a lot of them.

01:45:07.000 And I used to see them and I would say, this is scary shit.

01:45:11.000 Obviously gambling is fun and it becomes too much of an addiction to these people.

01:45:15.000 Whatever it is, don't do whatever the fuck they're doing.

01:45:18.000 Can I tell you what happened with gambling?

01:45:19.000 I was in the Fort Lauderdale Improv, and I put $5 in the machine, okay?

01:45:23.000 And I pressed the boat, it was a nickels machine.

01:45:25.000 It was a hard rock casino?

01:45:27.000 A hard rock, right?

01:45:27.000 And all of a sudden, the thing just went crazy.

01:45:31.000 You know what I mean?

01:45:32.000 Just crazy.

01:45:32.000 I don't even know what happened.

01:45:33.000 I got a combination or something.

01:45:35.000 Then all of a sudden, people are surrounding me.

01:45:38.000 People are in the back of me.

01:45:39.000 I'm like, what the fuck?

01:45:40.000 Who are these people?

01:45:41.000 Just other people watching.

01:45:42.000 I hit a jackpot.

01:45:43.000 So you're worried someone's going to jack your jackpot?

01:45:44.000 No, I'm just sitting there going, and I'm turning around.

01:45:47.000 Like, oh yeah, this is great, right?

01:45:49.000 And then the lady comes, because you get a ticket.

01:45:54.000 They go, you can't get a ticket because it's so much money that they're going to have to give it to you.

01:45:59.000 The lady comes up to me and she goes, congratulations.

01:46:01.000 I go, thank you.

01:46:02.000 And they go, so can I just see your ID? I gave her the ID and she goes, I can't give you the money.

01:46:08.000 I go, why?

01:46:08.000 She goes, your license is two months expired, which it is.

01:46:14.000 So I go, no, I want my fucking money.

01:46:17.000 We can't give it to you.

01:46:18.000 I went to the top Indian chief.

01:46:21.000 Like a council member, and I argued with them.

01:46:23.000 Two hours later, I'm in an office.

01:46:25.000 I go, I played the improv here.

01:46:27.000 I packed every room.

01:46:29.000 They come here to gamble, right?

01:46:31.000 Mine's two months, expired.

01:46:32.000 You can't give me a fucking...

01:46:33.000 Not that I need the money.

01:46:35.000 It's just the idea that I've never...

01:46:36.000 It was only $2,000, okay?

01:46:38.000 But the idea that I won a jackpot and they won't give me the money...

01:46:41.000 That seems like it's against the law.

01:46:43.000 No, it's an IRS thing.

01:46:45.000 You need a valid private license.

01:46:47.000 Yeah, but could you have just said, alright, hold my money, I'll go get my license, renew me back tomorrow?

01:46:50.000 No, I live in LA, dude.

01:46:52.000 Right.

01:46:52.000 Yeah, it costs you $2,000 to fly out there.

01:46:53.000 But wouldn't casinos, like, hold your shit away?

01:46:56.000 No, no, no.

01:46:56.000 I gave them my number.

01:46:58.000 I go, work it out with their counsel.

01:46:59.000 They have to go back.

01:47:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:47:01.000 And they never called me.

01:47:02.000 I couldn't get my money.

01:47:03.000 And I was so fucking mad.

01:47:05.000 I'm still upset about it now, kind of.

01:47:06.000 Well, they had an opportunity to fuck you, and they took it.

01:47:08.000 That's what it is.

01:47:09.000 Yeah, but that's so fucked up.

01:47:10.000 It is fucked up.

01:47:11.000 That does not seem legal.

01:47:13.000 Casinos aren't in the paying out business.

01:47:15.000 They're in the you gambling and losing business.

01:47:17.000 I know, but here's the point, though.

01:47:18.000 I go there every year.

01:47:19.000 They know me.

01:47:20.000 I go to the desk.

01:47:22.000 Everyone loves me.

01:47:24.000 Bobby's back.

01:47:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:47:25.000 Like, I know that people come, gamble at the casino, right, after my shows, right?

01:47:30.000 I feel like I've provided a service for this.

01:47:33.000 They can't fucking, you know what I mean?

01:47:35.000 One little clause.

01:47:38.000 Look through it.

01:47:39.000 Well, now you understand the true nature of your relationship with them.

01:47:42.000 They don't give a fuck about you.

01:47:43.000 That's the nature of the relationship, by the way, with fucking virtually every casino and player.

01:47:48.000 The bottom line is the player is a mark, and that's what it is.

01:47:53.000 And the mark, it's just like you let him win a little bit, let him get a little bit, make him feel like he's got something going on.

01:48:00.000 You cop him a room.

01:48:01.000 Hey, you want a nice meal?

01:48:02.000 Yeah.

01:48:02.000 Listen, even though we lost some money, we had a nice meal, we went to see a show.

01:48:05.000 You know, they comped us.

01:48:06.000 We went to see the fucking, the Lion King.

01:48:08.000 Yeah.

01:48:08.000 And that's what happens, man.

01:48:09.000 Yeah.

01:48:09.000 But the bottom line is, those fucking, like, go to these gigantic places, like the Venetian or the Bellagio, these fucking huge fountains and shit.

01:48:16.000 Who's paying for that?

01:48:17.000 Who's paying for that?

01:48:18.000 We are, yeah.

01:48:18.000 Yeah, you're paying for that by losing.

01:48:20.000 Right.

01:48:21.000 But what I'm saying is that if I would have won, like, a bigger jackpot, like, two million dollars, I don't know what I would have done.

01:48:27.000 I would have physically assaulted an American Indian.

01:48:30.000 Holy fuck, man.

01:48:31.000 I would litter for the rest of my life.

01:48:32.000 Make them cry.

01:48:33.000 I would have freaked out about that.

01:48:35.000 Yeah, that's an issue, man.

01:48:37.000 I would still be fighting that whole thing.

01:48:39.000 Well, no.

01:48:40.000 I lived through it.

01:48:42.000 No, what you should start doing is doing a bit about it on stage.

01:48:45.000 That's a bit.

01:48:46.000 There's a funny bit in there, Bobby.

01:48:48.000 Come on, man.

01:48:49.000 There's a funny bit in that.

01:48:50.000 You know?

01:48:52.000 But the thing is, they can take your fucking money.

01:48:54.000 They had no problem with you gambling.

01:48:56.000 So you're risking your money, but you can't get a return.

01:48:59.000 You know what you should have done?

01:49:00.000 Wait, did they print out a $2,000 ticket?

01:49:03.000 No, because here's what it is.

01:49:05.000 If you win at a slot machine, you get a ticket.

01:49:09.000 Anything over $1,200 that you win is considered a jackpot.

01:49:14.000 Okay, so then they have to come out to you.

01:49:16.000 So then they have to fill out IRS forms and this and that.

01:49:18.000 If I just would have made less than $800 less, then I would have been able to take my money.

01:49:24.000 Jesus Christ.

01:49:25.000 And then you know what I would have?

01:49:26.000 I mean, I would have had a good time.

01:49:27.000 I would have spent it at the casino anyway.

01:49:29.000 They would have had it in the end.

01:49:30.000 Then I would have gotten to a higher machine.

01:49:32.000 You know what I mean?

01:49:33.000 I just wanted a good time.

01:49:34.000 Or put it back in the community.

01:49:36.000 Yeah, something like that.

01:49:40.000 I always wanted to say it like that.

01:49:42.000 The community.

01:49:44.000 It's fucked up.

01:49:45.000 What is it about black people that they see community like that?

01:49:47.000 They see a lot of things going like that.

01:49:49.000 Yeah, but that's a big one.

01:49:50.000 Community.

01:49:51.000 Community.

01:49:52.000 Put it back in the community.

01:49:54.000 Yeah, they say that, yeah.

01:49:57.000 What happened?

01:49:58.000 So there's no way you can get this money back.

01:50:00.000 This is gone.

01:50:01.000 You're writing it off as a loss.

01:50:02.000 You've got to do a bit about this, bro.

01:50:03.000 Yeah, I will.

01:50:04.000 But the thing is that I called Joel.

01:50:07.000 How can he help you?

01:50:08.000 Well, he owns the improv, right?

01:50:10.000 He has a relationship with the hardcore.

01:50:11.000 And what did they say?

01:50:12.000 Joe said, there's nothing I can do.

01:50:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:50:14.000 And I'm like, but it doesn't make any sense because they know me.

01:50:18.000 It doesn't matter.

01:50:19.000 They don't give a fuck about you.

01:50:20.000 Now at least you know what the deal is.

01:50:22.000 Oh, I know what the deal is now.

01:50:23.000 Well, you know, it's also probably a rule that they can't circumvent.

01:50:26.000 I mean, who you're talking to is probably a guy who's going by corporate bylines, and this is the rules.

01:50:30.000 A person doesn't have a driver's license.

01:50:32.000 I mean, even though they know you, they have to kind of assume.

01:50:35.000 Like, who the fuck?

01:50:35.000 You know, if you can't write down a valid driver's license in the receipt so that you can get taxed on it...

01:50:39.000 It just seems like they should be able to hold it for you.

01:50:42.000 Like, it seems like, yeah, you won.

01:50:43.000 You have credit, $2,000 credit.

01:50:45.000 You come back here with your license.

01:50:46.000 We'll give you the fucking money.

01:50:48.000 But until then, we're holding it for you.

01:50:50.000 Yeah.

01:50:50.000 It seems like that's what casinos do anyways because they have, you know, you go there, like you're Jay-Z and stuff like that.

01:50:55.000 You have like a, you know, like almost a bank account with these people.

01:50:59.000 You're Jay-Z. Do you know what I did?

01:51:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:51:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:51:01.000 Do you know what I did?

01:51:02.000 So I bet you can get your $2,000.

01:51:05.000 No, I Googled.

01:51:05.000 I Googled my name.

01:51:07.000 You Googled your name?

01:51:08.000 In front of them.

01:51:09.000 Like an asshole.

01:51:10.000 Oh, did you really?

01:51:10.000 Yeah, I go, listen, I play this place.

01:51:12.000 I'm a headliner, right?

01:51:14.000 You Googled your name in front of them.

01:51:15.000 Yeah, and there was a computer there.

01:51:16.000 Look, that's a computer.

01:51:17.000 And I Googled, right?

01:51:17.000 And it went to my Wikipedia page.

01:51:19.000 Right.

01:51:20.000 I went to my Wikipedia.

01:51:20.000 I go, here's my picture.

01:51:22.000 Here's my birthday.

01:51:23.000 You know what I mean?

01:51:24.000 I'm almost 40. Right.

01:51:25.000 You know what I mean?

01:51:26.000 Because I had no idea.

01:51:28.000 I didn't know what else to do.

01:51:29.000 Right.

01:51:29.000 What did they say?

01:51:31.000 We don't give a shit.

01:51:32.000 They didn't care?

01:51:33.000 No.

01:51:33.000 Sounds like a scam to me.

01:51:34.000 And who's telling you this?

01:51:37.000 Who's the person saying they don't care?

01:51:38.000 Some American Indian with beads in his hair.

01:51:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:51:39.000 And he was upset at you?

01:51:41.000 No, he was just basically really cool about it.

01:51:43.000 Just like, I know who you are.

01:51:44.000 I'm so sorry.

01:51:45.000 These are the rules.

01:51:46.000 Well, I guess those are the rules.

01:51:48.000 Here's the rules now.

01:51:49.000 You've got to write a bit about it.

01:51:50.000 I'm going to, yeah.

01:51:50.000 You have to, man.

01:51:51.000 I'm going to, I'm going to.

01:51:52.000 It's a $2,000 bit.

01:51:53.000 That makes me so fucking mad.

01:51:56.000 That makes me mad.

01:51:57.000 I don't need the money.

01:51:58.000 It's just the principle of it.

01:51:59.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:52:00.000 You know what I mean?

01:52:01.000 I did it.

01:52:02.000 Yeah, but it does make sense.

01:52:03.000 I mean, it does make sense that they can't hook you up.

01:52:06.000 Kind of.

01:52:06.000 To me, doesn't it?

01:52:08.000 Not to me.

01:52:08.000 No, it doesn't make sense because, Joe, I basically work for that casino.

01:52:14.000 Sort of.

01:52:14.000 You work for Joel.

01:52:15.000 I work for Joel, but he has a relationship with them.

01:52:18.000 And it's not like I don't play there every week.

01:52:20.000 You know what I mean?

01:52:21.000 He just sort of rents there, right?

01:52:22.000 He does rent a room.

01:52:24.000 He rents the rooms there.

01:52:25.000 But you understand what I'm saying.

01:52:27.000 It's like, in a sense, I give them business.

01:52:29.000 Right.

01:52:30.000 You know what I mean?

01:52:30.000 Do you like going on the road?

01:52:31.000 Do you dig it?

01:52:33.000 In some places, yes.

01:52:33.000 Some of them are like, I want to kill myself.

01:52:35.000 For a long time, you didn't go on the road.

01:52:36.000 I refused to do it.

01:52:37.000 Yeah, because I remember when we were back in, when I was doing the store, we would talk about it all the time.

01:52:41.000 You weren't going on the road back then.

01:52:42.000 I refused to do it.

01:52:43.000 And then we were somewhere recently, like I think it was San Jose, and they would say, yeah, Bobby Lee was just here to pack the place.

01:52:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:52:49.000 I was like, damn, Bobby Lee's on the road now.

01:52:51.000 That's the only reason now I go, because when I used to go on the road before, no one would come.

01:52:57.000 What changed that?

01:52:59.000 I don't know.

01:53:00.000 It was...

01:53:00.000 Well, here's what it was.

01:53:01.000 I would go to a market.

01:53:02.000 Now, my thing is this.

01:53:03.000 I go to a market first.

01:53:04.000 And at first, they don't really know me.

01:53:06.000 Or if they do, they don't know that I do stand-up, right?

01:53:08.000 Right.

01:53:08.000 So I do a weekend pretty much for free.

01:53:11.000 They give you a guarantee, right?

01:53:12.000 Right.

01:53:12.000 And then the second time back, it's always better because I know that I deliver.

01:53:15.000 Right.

01:53:16.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:16.000 That my show is good.

01:53:17.000 You know what I mean?

01:53:18.000 And so the people that saw you, they come see you again.

01:53:19.000 They bring more people.

01:53:20.000 Then the radio...

01:53:21.000 I love radio.

01:53:22.000 When will you come back?

01:53:22.000 Like if you say you do a gig, how long before you come back?

01:53:25.000 A year.

01:53:26.000 A year.

01:53:26.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:53:26.000 And how much of your material will be new in that year?

01:53:29.000 Maybe, and I'll be honest with you, not as much as maybe the next guy, but about 10-15 minutes.

01:53:34.000 10-15 minutes would be new in a year, really?

01:53:36.000 Yeah, because I'm not that prolific.

01:53:38.000 Really?

01:53:39.000 But the thing is, here's the thing is that a lot of my stuff now is improvised.

01:53:43.000 I have moments of just playing with the audience.

01:53:46.000 Yeah, a lot of that, right?

01:53:46.000 And also my thing is there's an element of crazy in my show where I usually go in the audience and I do crazy shit.

01:53:53.000 Like what?

01:53:53.000 Yeah.

01:53:54.000 Like, you know, like if somebody will get up to go to the bathroom, I'll chase them out of the room and follow them to the bathroom.

01:53:59.000 Really?

01:53:59.000 Yeah.

01:53:59.000 And then I'll, yeah.

01:54:00.000 While the audience is, they love it.

01:54:02.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:04.000 And I'll pull my pants down.

01:54:05.000 I'll be in my underwear and I'll fall them into the bathroom.

01:54:07.000 Have you ever gotten in trouble for pulling your pants down?

01:54:09.000 Yeah, I did this one thing where I wanted to give a guy a lap dance.

01:54:12.000 So he came on stage.

01:54:15.000 And the music was playing and I got...

01:54:18.000 Were you on Parkinson's medication?

01:54:19.000 No.

01:54:20.000 And I got naked and I had a sack come out.

01:54:22.000 And you can tell that this guy was extremely homophobic.

01:54:25.000 Really?

01:54:26.000 Right?

01:54:26.000 So the music's playing and I jump on top of him.

01:54:29.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:54:29.000 While he's sitting on the stool.

01:54:31.000 Right.

01:54:31.000 And he literally picked my body and threw me into the ground.

01:54:34.000 Wow.

01:54:34.000 You know what I mean?

01:54:35.000 And I hit the ground, you know what I mean, on my back.

01:54:38.000 Right.

01:54:38.000 And I got knocked unconscious for like a split second.

01:54:40.000 Oh.

01:54:40.000 You hear little stars.

01:54:43.000 Did you hit your head?

01:54:43.000 No, but I heard...

01:54:45.000 So what hit that made you see stars like that?

01:54:48.000 I hit my back and my head, maybe a little bit.

01:54:50.000 Maybe your head a little?

01:54:51.000 Yeah, but I also took the wind out of my body.

01:54:53.000 Right, okay.

01:54:53.000 Right, so I hear...

01:54:55.000 Right, you got jacked.

01:54:56.000 Yeah, I got jacked.

01:54:57.000 And I jumped on top of him again.

01:54:58.000 You jumped on him again?

01:55:00.000 Yeah.

01:55:00.000 And what did he do then?

01:55:01.000 Because nothing.

01:55:02.000 He just took it?

01:55:03.000 Because the thing got a laugh.

01:55:05.000 When he threw me off of me, it got a laugh.

01:55:07.000 So he enjoyed it.

01:55:08.000 And I stood back out, and I looked in his eyes, and he kind of went, he kind of liked the laugh.

01:55:13.000 Right, right, right.

01:55:13.000 So I did it again, right?

01:55:15.000 Because he got addicted to the laugh, right?

01:55:16.000 Because at first it was hatred.

01:55:18.000 Right.

01:55:18.000 Like, get off me, gook, you know, kind of thing.

01:55:20.000 Whoa.

01:55:20.000 That's not what he said.

01:55:21.000 Whoa.

01:55:22.000 You know what I mean?

01:55:23.000 That's what he said.

01:55:24.000 But in the eyes, I can tell that there was a thing.

01:55:26.000 So then when I fell down, we connected.

01:55:29.000 I'm like, okay, I can do it again.

01:55:30.000 Wow.

01:55:31.000 Like a sense.

01:55:32.000 That's the worst thing that's around.

01:55:34.000 That's a weird thing, right?

01:55:34.000 When you're ad-libbing with someone, you don't know exactly where this is going to go.

01:55:37.000 That's exciting.

01:55:38.000 It's fun, right?

01:55:39.000 Yeah, it's fun.

01:55:39.000 Well, it's also, too, you and I both came up in the store.

01:55:43.000 And the store, I mean, we've talked about this so many times in the podcast, the store for all its terrible qualities.

01:55:47.000 The best thing about it is the fact that no one was paying attention, ever.

01:55:51.000 There's no crowd control.

01:55:52.000 There's no one.

01:55:53.000 The comics are forced to take care of audiences themselves.

01:55:56.000 And sometimes you just deal with incredibly hostile audiences.

01:56:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:56:00.000 I've never worked at a club consistently where there's more insane shit happening.

01:56:05.000 And people say, like, I hear other comments go, yeah, this room is tough.

01:56:08.000 I go, you don't know nothing.

01:56:10.000 You don't even know what you're talking about.

01:56:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:56:11.000 Yeah, they don't even know.

01:56:12.000 If they haven't worked at the store, like, there's so many people that go, yeah, that place is evil.

01:56:16.000 I don't do this store.

01:56:17.000 The store is evil.

01:56:18.000 It is.

01:56:18.000 Yes, it is.

01:56:19.000 But guess what?

01:56:19.000 I wouldn't even say evil.

01:56:20.000 No, there's just...

01:56:21.000 There's a quality of evil to it.

01:56:23.000 I think that quality is because of the fact that it's C-Rose Nightclub, the fact that it was Bugsy Siegel's place.

01:56:28.000 You can't get past the fact that people were murdered in that place.

01:56:31.000 Yeah, but it also has to do with the color of the building.

01:56:33.000 I really believe.

01:56:35.000 You know how they say you can't paint your walls in your bedroom red, like blood red, because psychologically it's not good for you.

01:56:42.000 Do you know that?

01:56:43.000 It makes you angry.

01:56:44.000 Like silver too.

01:56:45.000 I try to paint my room silver once and they go, it's not because you'll feel like you're trapped in it.

01:56:49.000 You know what I mean?

01:56:50.000 Spaceship.

01:56:50.000 I feel like black, you know, like in a cage.

01:56:52.000 Black, I don't know what it does.

01:56:54.000 I was thinking of painting these walls black.

01:56:55.000 No, don't.

01:56:55.000 Do you think it'd be okay for a podcast?

01:56:57.000 I would never paint walls black.

01:56:59.000 See, this is the color what walls, but these are neutral colors.

01:57:01.000 Yeah.

01:57:02.000 These are nice.

01:57:02.000 It's relaxing.

01:57:03.000 I feel very good right now.

01:57:04.000 Do you feel good?

01:57:04.000 Yeah, I feel like this is the color I'm going to leave it here just for you, bro.

01:57:07.000 Like coffee.

01:57:08.000 It took so long to get you on the podcast.

01:57:09.000 I'm going to leave these things.

01:57:10.000 And the reason why that was the case, right?

01:57:12.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:57:12.000 I know.

01:57:13.000 It was because there was things going on.

01:57:15.000 Right.

01:57:16.000 Dude, it's just...

01:57:16.000 I'm as flaky as the next guy.

01:57:18.000 But the store...

01:57:19.000 Why don't you come back?

01:57:20.000 Come back where?

01:57:21.000 The store.

01:57:21.000 Oh, never.

01:57:22.000 Never.

01:57:22.000 I can't.

01:57:23.000 Why?

01:57:23.000 Because I like the improv better.

01:57:24.000 And there's no negativity there.

01:57:26.000 The improv, everyone's super courteous.

01:57:29.000 The staff there are so friendly and thankful and kind.

01:57:33.000 For years you dealt with at the store, them pretending that the store was the star and you were lucky to work there.

01:57:38.000 You were lucky to help out.

01:57:40.000 No matter what you did, you could never do enough.

01:57:41.000 But there was an energy when you were there.

01:57:44.000 I bring it everywhere else.

01:57:46.000 I know, but I'm saying that I'm...

01:57:47.000 Because I used to either go up before or after you in the studio.

01:57:51.000 It was hard to go up after you, but sometimes they would put me up after you.

01:57:53.000 But there was still an energy in the OR, I swear to God, that's different than it is now.

01:57:58.000 Not that we don't get an audience, but it's a different kind of vibe.

01:58:01.000 Well, I was bringing my specific thoughts on comedy, my specific thoughts on life is let's have fun.

01:58:10.000 Let's not take things so fucking seriously.

01:58:12.000 Let's look at all this shit, but let's be nice to each other and let's have a good fucking time.

01:58:15.000 That's one of the reasons why whenever anything crazy would happen at the store, I would always make it a big point to buy everyone in the audience a drink.

01:58:22.000 Yeah.

01:58:23.000 You know, remember when I kicked somebody out?

01:58:24.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:58:24.000 I mean, I did that like a dozen times.

01:58:26.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:58:27.000 I would kick people out and then I would spend thousands of dollars buying 300 people drinks, you know?

01:58:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:58:33.000 But that's why I wanted to spread that.

01:58:35.000 But why didn't you – why did you leave in the first place?

01:58:37.000 Because it's not Mitzi Shore's club anymore.

01:58:39.000 See, the whole thing that happened was when the Mencia shit went down, I called Mitzi, who's the owner of the club.

01:58:45.000 And Mitzi and I have had a relationship way back to 1994 when I first met her, when I first came to Hollywood.

01:58:49.000 And to me, she was the queen of comedy, man.

01:58:52.000 The comedy store was mecca to me.

01:58:54.000 To me, it was more important, and this is not bullshit, to get passed as a paid regular at the store than it was the fact that I was on a sitcom in California.

01:59:01.000 I was on a sitcom and I was like, acting sucks.

01:59:04.000 It's a lot of money.

01:59:05.000 I was making all this money, but I'm like...

01:59:06.000 I'm a fucking paid regular at the store.

01:59:08.000 Like, holy shit.

01:59:08.000 I couldn't believe I was there.

01:59:09.000 I mean, this is where Richard Pryor had started out and David Letterman was there and Kenison was there and all these hicks had worked there for a while.

01:59:16.000 So to me, it was like all this history.

01:59:18.000 So, I mean, not only had I worked there for free, for all those years where I was on Fear Factor, they put my name up on the marquee.

01:59:26.000 It would say, you know, Fear Factor's Joe Rogan.

01:59:28.000 Pack the place.

01:59:29.000 We would promote it on MySpace.

01:59:30.000 And to me, it was just...

01:59:32.000 It was a workout room.

01:59:33.000 I would get to fuck around and stay sharp, do a long set each Friday and Saturday night.

01:59:38.000 So when I would go on the road, I always had material.

01:59:40.000 I could still do specials and still do Fear Factor at the same time.

01:59:43.000 So it was a perfect situation for me.

01:59:45.000 And I could help the store.

01:59:47.000 I worked for free.

01:59:48.000 And as a matter of fact, even money that they owed me from years ago, I paid it back in the form of a tax-free donation.

01:59:53.000 And then I paid for the whole sound system in the place.

01:59:55.000 Yeah, you did.

01:59:56.000 I took out the speakers.

01:59:57.000 I put in a CD-R burner and a fucking DAT player and new microphones and new chords.

02:00:03.000 The whole deal, right?

02:00:04.000 And then when this whole thing happened with Mencia, which they knew for the longest time what he was doing.

02:00:09.000 Everybody knew what he was doing.

02:00:10.000 But they were making money off of it, so they turned a blind eye towards comedy.

02:00:13.000 And what I've always said was that if you're in the business, if you're an agent or if you're a manager or if you're a club owner, you're selling art.

02:00:22.000 That's what you're doing.

02:00:23.000 And when you've got one person who's stealing the art of the people that you're selling and then selling it again, that's what he's doing.

02:00:30.000 He's cannibalizing.

02:00:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:00:32.000 You have to put a foot down and stop that.

02:00:34.000 And if you don't, if you say crazy shit like, well, you know, it's business and he's making a lot of money, well, then you clearly are not on the side of the art form that you actually make your living selling.

02:00:43.000 Right.

02:00:43.000 So when all this shit went down, I called Mitzi up to let her know that, you know, Brian made this crazy fucking video and it's about to go out and it's ugly.

02:00:50.000 And I told her, I go, the guy's a problem.

02:00:52.000 We've had problems with him for years and we're going to put this video out.

02:00:54.000 She goes, okay, well, just keep away from him.

02:00:58.000 Just don't get crazy.

02:00:59.000 I'm crazy.

02:01:00.000 I go, Mitzi, I'm never going to hurt him.

02:01:01.000 I go, I'm not going to do anything crazy.

02:01:02.000 She goes, okay, do you want to go up tonight?

02:01:04.000 I go, yeah.

02:01:04.000 She goes, what time?

02:01:06.000 I go, whenever you want to put me up.

02:01:07.000 She goes, okay, 10 o'clock.

02:01:09.000 All right, thank you, Mitzi.

02:01:10.000 I love you.

02:01:10.000 I love you too.

02:01:11.000 That was the last word I ever spoke to her, okay?

02:01:14.000 I get off the phone with her.

02:01:16.000 Tommy calls me an hour later and tells me I'm banned.

02:01:19.000 Why?

02:01:19.000 So I go, what are you talking about?

02:01:20.000 I go, I just talked to Mitzi and hit this stuttering cocksucker.

02:01:26.000 Mitzi's confused.

02:01:28.000 Mitzi doesn't know the facts.

02:01:31.000 To me, it was very clear that there was some situation where Mitzi was no longer making the decisions.

02:01:37.000 No longer her club.

02:01:38.000 So there was some other people, whoever the fuck they are.

02:01:41.000 Tommy was at the mouthpiece of whoever the fuck was making the decision.

02:01:45.000 And clearly they had made a decision to go and have Mencia headline that weekend and make a big deal out of it.

02:01:51.000 And he was on the radio.

02:01:51.000 It was like for him to try to save face and then have me banned.

02:01:55.000 And so I said, I'm never coming back.

02:01:57.000 I'll tell you this right now.

02:01:58.000 This is it.

02:01:59.000 I'm never coming back.

02:02:00.000 And so that was years ago, and I've never come back.

02:02:02.000 But it was the best thing for me.

02:02:04.000 Because after I left there, and then I started working out at the improv, I'm like, God, it's so friendly here.

02:02:09.000 The vibe is so much better.

02:02:11.000 Everyone's happy there.

02:02:12.000 The managers are happy.

02:02:13.000 The comics are all...

02:02:14.000 It's like there's a cool bar area where everybody hangs out.

02:02:16.000 And then I started doing Sal's more recently.

02:02:19.000 And just...

02:02:20.000 You know what, man?

02:02:21.000 I just realized that there's comedy clubs out there that appreciate comics.

02:02:24.000 Those are the only people that you should hang out with.

02:02:28.000 I'm thankful for my time at the store.

02:02:29.000 I learned a lot there.

02:02:31.000 I learned a lot about hecklers and dealing bullshit, and I learned a lot about...

02:02:34.000 I just learned a lot about the business from this whole thing that happened, from getting fucked over.

02:02:39.000 So for me, it was...

02:02:40.000 It was the best thing.

02:02:41.000 Well, let me tell you something.

02:02:42.000 Tommy didn't go to anybody, by the way.

02:02:44.000 You think it was all him?

02:02:45.000 Yeah.

02:02:45.000 Yeah?

02:02:46.000 I mean, Tommy and I, whatever.

02:02:48.000 I mean, I'm a regular there.

02:02:49.000 I get spots anytime I want to.

02:02:50.000 And Tommy's a friend.

02:02:52.000 I've never called him off the job.

02:02:53.000 I call him for spots.

02:02:55.000 You know what I mean?

02:02:56.000 But I know that he makes decisions.

02:02:59.000 Yeah.

02:02:59.000 I'm sure he does, but not that one.

02:03:01.000 I don't believe that.

02:03:03.000 Or this happened.

02:03:05.000 He went to Mitzi and he...

02:03:07.000 No.

02:03:07.000 He didn't go to Mitzi.

02:03:08.000 He didn't talk to her at all.

02:03:08.000 I know for a fact.

02:03:09.000 He talked to somebody else, whoever the fuck it was.

02:03:12.000 Whether it's Paulie or Peter or whoever the fuck is writing.

02:03:15.000 Maybe Peter.

02:03:15.000 Whoever the fuck it is.

02:03:16.000 It might have been Peter.

02:03:17.000 I don't know who it is.

02:03:17.000 I have no idea.

02:03:18.000 I don't know.

02:03:19.000 I didn't ask.

02:03:19.000 I didn't care.

02:03:20.000 And ever since then, have they called you?

02:03:22.000 No.

02:03:22.000 Oh, he sent me one ridiculous letter.

02:03:24.000 I saved it.

02:03:25.000 It's hilarious.

02:03:26.000 The most one-sided fucking letter ever.

02:03:28.000 Talking about, you know, don't destroy the store.

02:03:30.000 Build it up.

02:03:31.000 And like, you cunts.

02:03:32.000 I worked there for free for fucking years.

02:03:34.000 And they would always say, like, everybody works for free.

02:03:36.000 Not that.

02:03:37.000 Everybody doesn't do what I did.

02:03:39.000 Everybody doesn't put their name in the marquee and pump it up on MySpace and fill the place.

02:03:42.000 La Jolla.

02:03:42.000 I'm going to tell you about La Jolla.

02:03:43.000 You know, I started in that room, right?

02:03:44.000 Yeah.

02:03:45.000 I go there six years ago.

02:03:47.000 I haven't played there in six years.

02:03:48.000 Six years ago, I call them, the La Jolla, I go, can I go up?

02:03:53.000 Because I'm going to go down and visit a friend.

02:03:54.000 They're like, yeah, sure.

02:03:56.000 So I drive down there.

02:03:57.000 I show up at the club and the manager goes, you can't go up.

02:04:01.000 In La Jolla.

02:04:02.000 And I go, why?

02:04:03.000 He goes, well, it's an all-girls show.

02:04:05.000 They're from LA and they don't want to put you up.

02:04:08.000 I go, who is it?

02:04:08.000 They go, Lisa Sunset.

02:04:10.000 People I've never even heard of.

02:04:11.000 So I just drove down here.

02:04:13.000 They said I could go up.

02:04:14.000 I'm from this class.

02:04:15.000 I fucking built that stage, literally.

02:04:16.000 Me and Freddy Soto, when they gutted the place, we hammered in nails and shit like that.

02:04:21.000 So fuck you, I'm going up.

02:04:22.000 You're not going up.

02:04:23.000 I go, I'll go up last.

02:04:25.000 Right.

02:04:25.000 No.

02:04:26.000 I go, I'm up.

02:04:27.000 I'll never play her again.

02:04:28.000 Good for you.

02:04:29.000 He goes, fine.

02:04:29.000 I haven't played it since.

02:04:30.000 Wow.

02:04:31.000 You know, man, that's a totally different situation, and I totally see your side of it.

02:04:37.000 I totally do.

02:04:37.000 And the girls, if they really wanted to do their show and then have you go on last, have you go on afterwards, you know?

02:04:43.000 That's what I ask.

02:04:44.000 I go, I'll wait.

02:04:45.000 I don't give a fuck.

02:04:45.000 You know what I mean?

02:04:46.000 Some people don't.

02:04:46.000 Some people don't like that, though.

02:04:48.000 They think that you're going to show them up.

02:04:49.000 There was 40 people there, Joe.

02:04:52.000 It wasn't like if it was sold out.

02:04:54.000 It doesn't matter to them.

02:04:55.000 Those 40 people were there to see them.

02:04:56.000 And if they do mediocre, they know you're going to crush.

02:05:00.000 And you go on after them.

02:05:01.000 Let me tell you something, dude.

02:05:03.000 It's like I'm from that room, right?

02:05:06.000 And I started...

02:05:07.000 Remember Fred Burns?

02:05:08.000 Sure.

02:05:08.000 Yeah, back when Fred was running it.

02:05:10.000 Did Fred die?

02:05:11.000 He died.

02:05:11.000 What happened?

02:05:13.000 You know, he had spinal bifida.

02:05:16.000 Yeah.

02:05:16.000 And his parents were still alive and they took him on a cruise, like a cruise to go to the Bahama.

02:05:23.000 I don't know where they went, right?

02:05:25.000 And they told Fred one night, they go, Fred, we'll meet you down here at 8 for breakfast.

02:05:32.000 And Fred Burns goes, all right.

02:05:34.000 And he never showed up to breakfast and they opened up his room and he was dead.

02:05:38.000 Well, just failure.

02:05:40.000 Yeah, failure.

02:05:40.000 Heart failure, body failure, whatever it was.

02:05:42.000 It was awful.

02:05:43.000 He was an interesting guy.

02:05:45.000 He got fired, right, for something?

02:05:46.000 No, nothing.

02:05:47.000 Nothing?

02:05:48.000 But the family's crazy, man.

02:05:49.000 I mean, look, I got no ill feelings for the store.

02:05:52.000 I think it's one of the most interesting clubs in the country, and I think I learned a lot doing stand-up there, but...

02:05:58.000 The whole point of the whole situation, the whole point of the whole Mencia altercation was supposedly to create a better environment to stop someone who was victimizing other comedians.

02:06:10.000 And when the club supports that, you can't support the club anymore.

02:06:14.000 If the club supports that, it wasn't a gray area.

02:06:18.000 Everybody knew what was going on.

02:06:19.000 Everybody complained for years and years.

02:06:21.000 So that decision, the decision they made was like the worst possible decision.

02:06:25.000 So there's no way I could go back there.

02:06:27.000 Yeah.

02:06:28.000 I mean, it just sucks the fact that, like, you know, like, Bill Burr will show up, and if Mencia's there, he won't go up.

02:06:33.000 You know what I mean?

02:06:33.000 Those little things, you know what I mean, that fuck up the...

02:06:36.000 You know, I love the store.

02:06:37.000 You know, it's like home.

02:06:38.000 You could go up right in front of Mencia now.

02:06:40.000 It doesn't matter now.

02:06:40.000 He's toothless.

02:06:41.000 Now he's just...

02:06:42.000 He's got no claws.

02:06:43.000 It's all over.

02:06:44.000 It's...

02:06:45.000 I don't know.

02:07:11.000 You know, he's smoking pot.

02:07:13.000 You know what I mean?

02:07:14.000 That'll probably help him.

02:07:15.000 Yeah, I think I'll help him.

02:07:16.000 Maybe.

02:07:16.000 But he's also drinking.

02:07:18.000 Yeah, he's also drinking.

02:07:19.000 He's just...

02:07:20.000 I can just tell he's sad.

02:07:21.000 Yeah.

02:07:22.000 You know what I mean?

02:07:22.000 Well, it's karma, man.

02:07:24.000 And as a friend...

02:07:24.000 You can't victimize people.

02:07:26.000 And as a friend, you know, you watch it and it's just...

02:07:28.000 I always try to play Call of Duty with him on Xbox because I feel bad.

02:07:32.000 I always send him a friend.

02:07:34.000 You feel bad so you want to kill him?

02:07:36.000 Yeah.

02:07:36.000 You fuck up.

02:07:37.000 Yeah.

02:07:39.000 Listen, man, the positive aspects of working at the store were so true.

02:07:44.000 I know what you say.

02:07:45.000 I think you should just do it one night or something.

02:07:47.000 No, I can't do it.

02:07:48.000 Please!

02:07:48.000 It'll never be the same again.

02:07:49.000 How do you know?

02:07:50.000 Because it'll never be what it used to be.

02:07:51.000 What it used to be was a lot of fun.

02:07:52.000 It used to be...

02:07:53.000 Look, there was a long time where I was at the store where the store felt like it did not have the environment that I envisioned.

02:07:59.000 I always envisioned it being, like I said, comedy mecca.

02:08:02.000 I always envisioned all these great comics are going to perform there and there's this great environment.

02:08:06.000 And then for a long time when I was there in the early 90s, it wasn't like that.

02:08:10.000 It was shit.

02:08:11.000 I'm going to defend it in a sense.

02:08:13.000 Since you left, it has changed in this sense.

02:08:17.000 We're getting a lot more New York guys on the list.

02:08:20.000 So you have Bill Burr, Davidoff, all these New York guys that have moved here.

02:08:25.000 Sarah Silverman was there.

02:08:26.000 Yeah, and the lineups, like the other night, who was it?

02:08:29.000 Rock and Chappelle.

02:08:30.000 Did they go up?

02:08:31.000 But they showed up, right?

02:08:32.000 It's a different New York vibe.

02:08:34.000 And what I'm saying is this, okay?

02:08:36.000 From two years ago that you were there, Carlos never goes there.

02:08:39.000 It's not Carlos, man.

02:08:40.000 It's the people who run the club.

02:08:41.000 I know, it's Tommy.

02:08:42.000 Whoever's running the club is the same people running the club.

02:08:44.000 I know.

02:08:45.000 Tommy said some stupid shit to Brian just the other day when he went there, and he called me a fag.

02:08:49.000 Tommy's retarded.

02:08:50.000 He's a ding-dong.

02:08:52.000 That dude was always going to be what he is, you know?

02:08:55.000 I know.

02:08:56.000 What a comedy store is is an idea, okay?

02:09:01.000 The idea is that there's this mecca of comedy where everybody's hanging out, all this crazy people, like that back porch area, the back parking lot.

02:09:08.000 How much fucking fun did we have back there?

02:09:10.000 So much craziness and hilarity.

02:09:13.000 The greatest moments of my life have been back home.

02:09:15.000 Hilarious moments.

02:09:17.000 Everybody was doing something funny.

02:09:19.000 Joey Diaz has got his fucking pants down.

02:09:21.000 It was crazy.

02:09:22.000 There's always something.

02:09:23.000 It's just chaos.

02:09:24.000 There's always crazy people coming back there and hanging out with us.

02:09:27.000 You don't even know who the fuck they are.

02:09:28.000 Who's this guy?

02:09:29.000 This guy's nuts and he thinks he's an angel.

02:09:33.000 Yeah, the guy with the cross that walks down Sunset with his fucking cross.

02:09:37.000 And there was a guy that looked like Colonel Sanders.

02:09:38.000 Have you seen that guy?

02:09:39.000 Yeah, that guy.

02:09:40.000 He dresses like Colonel Sanders.

02:09:41.000 And Jesus and him together are always the best combo.

02:09:44.000 And they're getting an argument.

02:09:45.000 You're like, what are they fighting about?

02:09:48.000 The Lord or Chicken.

02:09:48.000 Who's crazier?

02:09:49.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:09:50.000 That place is awesome.

02:09:52.000 But the idea of what the comedy story is, you bring that everywhere with you, man.

02:09:55.000 I bring that everywhere on the road.

02:09:56.000 I bring that everywhere where I do stand-up.

02:09:58.000 Sal's is a perfect example.

02:09:59.000 Sal's Comedy Hole is this new place that opened up on Melrose.

02:10:02.000 It's a guy from New York.

02:10:03.000 He had a place on La Brea for a while, but they had a liquor license issue, and now he reopened a new place.

02:10:09.000 Fucking guy is great.

02:10:10.000 He's got open mics almost every night.

02:10:12.000 Super.

02:10:13.000 Super supportive of comedians.

02:10:15.000 Just wants people to come down.

02:10:16.000 He's always trying to feed you, give you drinks.

02:10:18.000 And he's super consistently nice.

02:10:20.000 Just a nice guy who loves comedy.

02:10:22.000 And he's running.

02:10:22.000 He's trying to make a good comedy club.

02:10:24.000 And because of that, comics are flocking to this place.

02:10:27.000 Diaz does it all the time.

02:10:29.000 Ari does it.

02:10:29.000 Brian does it all the time.

02:10:30.000 Tonight, his show will have at least 50, 60 comics wanting to go up at their 8 o'clock show tonight.

02:10:36.000 Really?

02:10:36.000 Do I have to showcase to become a regular?

02:10:38.000 No!

02:10:38.000 Just show up.

02:10:39.000 Or I'll call him.

02:10:41.000 Brian will call him.

02:10:42.000 You don't have to do anything.

02:10:43.000 And he'll just hook you up, man.

02:10:44.000 You go up and he'll give you a door deal.

02:10:45.000 You can pack the place.

02:10:47.000 It's super sweet.

02:10:48.000 That's why I just need a new room, maybe.

02:10:50.000 When you go to the improv and you go to places like Sal's, you realize, okay, well, there's places that don't have this crazy attitude that the place is the star.

02:10:59.000 You know, like Tommy always had this attitude that the store is the star.

02:11:02.000 And so did, remember, who's the guy who used to run it?

02:11:06.000 Scott Day.

02:11:06.000 You remember Scott Day?

02:11:07.000 I love Scott Day, yeah.

02:11:07.000 Yeah, and Duncan was the, people don't realize this, Duncan Trussell, our My boy was the talent manager for the store for the longest time.

02:11:15.000 And he had to quit because he didn't want to be on Pauly Shore's reality show.

02:11:18.000 They wanted to put it on the reality show.

02:11:20.000 I don't remember that.

02:11:21.000 What the improv doesn't have, though, that the store has is that Wild West vibe.

02:11:26.000 You're right.

02:11:27.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:28.000 Because it's like you can't go over the light.

02:11:30.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:30.000 There's rules and this and that.

02:11:32.000 So you can't run across the place in my underwear if I want to.

02:11:35.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:36.000 But at the store, there's always still that vibe of like anything can happen.

02:11:39.000 You know what I mean?

02:11:40.000 So you miss that.

02:11:41.000 Yes, yes, I do miss that.

02:11:42.000 But that's everywhere that Joey Diaz is.

02:11:45.000 When you bring Joey Diaz, that vibe comes with us on the road.

02:11:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:11:48.000 So what I'm doing this weekend, by the way, Mandalay Bay Theater, it's almost sold out.

02:11:52.000 Oh, that's great.

02:11:52.000 So if you're going to get tickets, jump on that shit now.

02:11:55.000 There's not that much left.

02:11:57.000 Don't plug my Houston.

02:11:58.000 I mean...

02:11:58.000 We will.

02:11:59.000 Totally.

02:11:59.000 It's Friday night, February 4th, which is the night before the UFC. And it's at Mandalay Bay, which is where the UFC is.

02:12:06.000 So it's going to be fucking crazy.

02:12:08.000 If you want tickets, you've got to jump on it now.

02:12:09.000 And it's Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir.

02:12:11.000 So it's the full Death Squad roster.

02:12:14.000 And Bobby Lee is going to be at the Houston Improv.

02:12:18.000 That weekend, too.

02:12:18.000 The same weekend.

02:12:19.000 February 4th and 5th and 6th?

02:12:21.000 Yeah.

02:12:21.000 Sunday, too?

02:12:22.000 Is it not this weekend?

02:12:22.000 Is it this weekend?

02:12:23.000 This weekend coming up.

02:12:24.000 No, the next weekend after that.

02:12:25.000 Oh, next weekend.

02:12:25.000 So what is that?

02:12:26.000 11th?

02:12:26.000 Something like that, yeah.

02:12:27.000 Let's find out exactly so people don't get crazy.

02:12:30.000 We don't want to...

02:12:31.000 I came to see your show and you were not there, Bobby Lee!

02:12:37.000 You were my favorite!

02:12:39.000 You're a droid.

02:12:39.000 Did you just turn it on?

02:12:40.000 Yeah, sorry.

02:12:42.000 Are you happy with the droid?

02:12:43.000 You happy with that purchase?

02:12:44.000 Check out this new camera.

02:12:45.000 What is that?

02:12:46.000 The 11th, 12th, and 13th, Bobby Lee.

02:12:48.000 Friday, Saturday, and Sunday?

02:12:49.000 And Valentine's, which is Monday.

02:12:51.000 Oh, bam!

02:12:52.000 You're doing Valentine's.

02:12:52.000 Valentine's Day in Houston, which by the way, I love Houston.

02:12:54.000 I'm coming back.

02:12:55.000 I fucking swear to God.

02:12:56.000 I know I haven't been there in forever.

02:12:58.000 We're trying to work out a deal.

02:13:00.000 The problem was, I don't want to do any shows where people have to stand up.

02:13:05.000 And I was doing the House of Blues, and the House of Blues, they wanted, I think it's like 600 people standing and 600 people seated.

02:13:12.000 No, yeah.

02:13:13.000 I'm like, that's crazy.

02:13:14.000 I did that in Vegas.

02:13:15.000 I've done it in Vegas a bunch of times.

02:13:16.000 And the problem, it becomes the bar just becomes filled with people talking.

02:13:19.000 There's way too many people there, and everyone's drunk, and no one knows how to fucking whisper, and it becomes chaos.

02:13:24.000 And so I went to see one of Doug Stanhope's shows where I had a stand, and I was like, no more standing.

02:13:29.000 Because I watched as an audience member.

02:13:31.000 I'm like, this isn't fun.

02:13:32.000 It hurts your feet.

02:13:32.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

02:13:35.000 So I had a bunch of deals where I was supposed to do the Houston area, but every time we ran into this fucking standing roadblock at theaters, we ran into it.

02:13:44.000 So I'm just going to go to the comedy club.

02:13:46.000 So the improv, we're working it out.

02:13:48.000 We're going to figure that shit out.

02:13:49.000 So anyway...

02:13:51.000 One more time.

02:13:52.000 Friday night, February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater, me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir.

02:13:57.000 The next weekend, the 11th, 12th, and the 13th, and Valentine's Day, Bobby Lee will be at the Houston Improv.

02:14:04.000 It's a very nice club, too.

02:14:05.000 It's new.

02:14:06.000 It's brand new now.

02:14:07.000 It's sweet, right?

02:14:07.000 Yeah, they just redid it?

02:14:08.000 Yeah, they redid it, yeah.

02:14:10.000 Shakalaka, motherfucker.

02:14:11.000 So that's the deal.

02:14:12.000 And then the weekend after that, I'm at the Brea Improv.

02:14:16.000 That's the 18th, 19th, and 20th.

02:14:18.000 And we're going to get Brian really high and make him go on stage every night so big that he forgets his material.

02:14:23.000 That's one of my favorite new things to do.

02:14:25.000 You got his trial by fire, son.

02:14:27.000 You did good this weekend.

02:14:28.000 He did real good this weekend.

02:14:29.000 Seven minutes, you probably fucking killed for four.

02:14:32.000 You got a solid four minutes of bits in there.

02:14:34.000 You're doing all right, kid.

02:14:35.000 You're fucking out there hustling.

02:14:37.000 No, he just goes up and does a guest bar.

02:14:39.000 He's fucking getting tossed to the lions.

02:14:41.000 So that's the 18th, 19th, and 20th is the Brea Improv of February.

02:14:46.000 And then the weekend after that, I'm in fire.

02:14:48.000 You can go to JoeRogan.net and read all this shit yourself, bitches.

02:14:51.000 This Thursday, I'm trying to get Ari and Joey.

02:14:55.000 I'm not sure if I can.

02:14:56.000 If not, maybe Brian Callen or someone else.

02:14:58.000 But there'll definitely be a show on Thursday.

02:15:00.000 We're figuring out who the fuck's going to do it.

02:15:02.000 But Friday night is the show, so it'd be nice.

02:15:04.000 And then Thursday night, Ari has a show that I'm going to be on as well at the Improv.

02:15:08.000 That's his storyteller show.

02:15:10.000 So that's it.

02:15:11.000 It's a great show.

02:15:11.000 Bobby Lee, thank you very much for coming on the podcast.

02:15:14.000 You're the fucking shit.

02:15:15.000 You've been my friend for many, many years.

02:15:17.000 And I love you.

02:15:18.000 I'm happy you're here.

02:15:19.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight.

02:15:20.000 Go to JoeRogan.net.

02:15:22.000 Click on the link.

02:15:23.000 Enter in the code name ROGAN and you get 15% off your masturbatory utensil.

02:15:29.000 Alright, bitches.

02:15:30.000 You know I love you.

02:15:31.000 I'll see you in a couple days.

02:15:33.000 Thanks for all the support.

02:15:34.000 For everything.

02:15:35.000 For everything, you motherfuckers.

02:15:37.000 You make life a dream.

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 01, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #76 - Bobby Lee

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