The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #769 - Bert Kreischer

00:00:10.000 Hello.

00:00:12.000 We're live.

00:00:13.000 Oh, we're live right now?

00:00:14.000 Yes, we're live.

00:00:15.000 Brian, what are you doing over there?

00:00:16.000 Ah, nothing. 0.99

00:00:17.000 Fixing some shit on my phone. 0.95

00:00:19.000 I woke up today and my Safari app is just missing from my phone, and that's not an app you can download from the app store. 0.97

00:00:24.000 So it's like, how the fuck do I... You say you woke up and this happened, but do you really remember last night?

00:00:30.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:00:31.000 Except I didn't eat last night.

00:00:33.000 Yeah.

00:00:34.000 I doubt you remember the last few hours. 0.99

00:00:36.000 I have this problem lately where I- Wait, how fucked up was he? 0.99

00:00:39.000 He was getting licked up when I saw him. 0.99

00:00:41.000 You were getting licked up at like 8, weren't you?

00:00:42.000 No, I didn't start drinking until after I got off stage and stuff.

00:00:46.000 But I did a thing where I woke up and I tell people like, oh yeah, I'll do your podcast, but I don't write it down.

00:00:51.000 And then I was in bed and somebody's like, hey, I'll see you at The Laugh Factor in 40 minutes.

00:00:55.000 And I'm like, whoa, you got to remind me or something.

00:00:58.000 By the way, that exact same thing happened when you did my podcast.

00:01:01.000 Yeah, you're just irresponsible.

00:01:03.000 Yeah, Brian, let's not write it off to one night.

00:01:06.000 Why don't you use the calendar feature in your phone?

00:01:08.000 I do, but I only do it for shows, it seems like.

00:01:10.000 But little things like podcasts and stuff, I never really...

00:01:13.000 That's not a little thing.

00:01:14.000 That's a show.

00:01:15.000 Brian, that's how you make your living.

00:01:16.000 Well, I always think that people would remind me, not 40 minutes before, but be like, hey, I'll see you tomorrow.

00:01:21.000 And I'm like, oh yeah, that.

00:01:23.000 Okay, cool.

00:01:23.000 Yeah.

00:01:24.000 Okay.

00:01:25.000 But then after that, I had another one that I completely forgot about.

00:01:28.000 And then I had to go to the comedy show last night.

00:01:30.000 I think Bert is making an excellent point.

00:01:32.000 You shouldn't write it off to other people.

00:01:35.000 Maybe, just maybe, you should keep a calendar.

00:01:38.000 Oh, it's totally me.

00:01:39.000 I don't think of podcasts as a little thing at all.

00:01:42.000 If I'm going to do somebody's podcast, that's a big deal.

00:01:44.000 No, no, but when you're at a comedy club, stoned, and somebody goes, hey, you should do my podcast next Monday.

00:01:49.000 Oh yeah, I've done that.

00:01:51.000 That's a different animal.

00:01:52.000 You gotta ask people in an email or a text.

00:01:54.000 Asking someone in person, unless you're both sober. 0.98

00:01:58.000 And another problem I have is when people give me their numbers, I don't save it in my phone, and so when they text me a month later, I'm like, Fuck, who is this guy that's texting him? 0.94

00:02:08.000 I do this to you. 0.83

00:02:09.000 I don't know if you know, I do this to everyone.

00:02:11.000 I always write Bert at the end of my text.

00:02:13.000 Because I'm like, I don't know if they got a new phone.

00:02:15.000 Because I just want them to know, hey, this is Bert.

00:02:18.000 I always wondered why he did that.

00:02:19.000 Because I don't...

00:02:20.000 Bert out.

00:02:27.000 I do that all the time to you.

00:02:29.000 Thoughtfully yours, Bert.

00:02:31.000 Yeah, it's a little odd.

00:02:34.000 But there's, you know, sometimes people do weird things.

00:02:38.000 Like, do you ever get an email from someone and they have like a tagline in their email?

00:02:42.000 Uh, sent for my silly iPhone.

00:02:45.000 Excuse the voice dialing things. 0.86

00:02:47.000 Hey, Jesus Christ.

00:02:49.000 We really need to do this.

00:02:53.000 Hashtag.

00:02:54.000 Like if you have your own hashtag.

00:02:57.000 The guy, Dominic Monaghan, really nice guy.

00:03:01.000 Yeah, he's on Travel Channel.

00:03:03.000 Like him a lot.

00:03:04.000 But every Instagram post he makes, he puts hashtag becurious.

00:03:10.000 Hey, how about if I don't want to be curious?

00:03:12.000 Is that cool? 0.94

00:03:13.000 Can I just fucking veg out over here? 0.75

00:03:16.000 No offense, Dom, but the curiosity is what got me to your Instagram page. 0.99

00:03:19.000 Hey, Dom, sometimes I like to put my feet up and have a beer and not think about shit. 0.96

00:03:25.000 I'm not always interested in being curious. 0.99

00:03:28.000 Be sad.

00:03:29.000 Hashtag be sad.

00:03:33.000 He's got some weird Travel Channel show about, like, he's traveling all over the world and seeing all these weird animals.

00:03:40.000 He's got a genuine passion for it.

00:03:42.000 Wild Things with Dom.

00:03:43.000 It's on Travel Channel.

00:03:44.000 Yeah, he loves insects, man.

00:03:45.000 We had some deep conversations about ants.

00:03:49.000 Really?

00:03:49.000 Dude's seriously into ants.

00:03:51.000 Well, I am too, in a way.

00:03:53.000 You know, not like him.

00:03:54.000 I don't know as much, but I've watched quite a few documentaries on it, and it's like when I watch them, I'm like, this is amazing.

00:03:59.000 They just know how to go places.

00:04:03.000 They're all like in the same row, and we're trying to figure out how they do it. 0.97

00:04:06.000 It's by pheromones and shit, and then you see these super complex civilizations that they build underground, especially those leafcutter ants. 1.00

00:04:15.000 Have you seen that shit? 0.99

00:04:16.000 Dude, leaf cutter ants are so sophisticated that they've engineered some sort of like ventilation system so they could bring leaves down into their crazy house and they'll ferment. 1.00

00:04:31.000 These leaves will ferment in these like bowls that they've dug into the ground and there's a pipe above it that's like an air pipe that they've tunneled up through the surface just to allow the gases to escape.

00:04:43.000 No explanation whatsoever how they all know how to do this.

00:04:47.000 No explanation how they ever figured it out.

00:04:50.000 I mean, it's super complicated.

00:04:52.000 They've been programmed that way.

00:04:54.000 Yeah, I mean, something's going on, man.

00:04:56.000 Have you ever seen when they pour cement into these things?

00:04:58.000 Oh, yes, I have.

00:05:00.000 I have seen this.

00:05:01.000 Dude.

00:05:01.000 Wait, can you pull that up?

00:05:02.000 They pour cement on it, and then they pull it out, and it looks like an art project.

00:05:07.000 Yeah, well, it's this giant labyrinth of tunnels, and there it is, yeah.

00:05:12.000 Look at that. 1.00

00:05:13.000 God damn. 1.00

00:05:14.000 Wow, that's so cool. 1.00

00:05:16.000 I mean, how are they all communicating together to figure this out?

00:05:20.000 That's not one, is it?

00:05:22.000 What is that?

00:05:23.000 That's a wasp nest or something.

00:05:25.000 What is that?

00:05:26.000 Whoa.

00:05:26.000 An ant queen?

00:05:28.000 Go to the leafcutter ant.

00:05:30.000 There's a video of it, I think.

00:05:33.000 You find it, and they showed how they did it, how they poured the water in, or the concrete in, which is kind of rude.

00:05:39.000 Think about it.

00:05:40.000 How many ants...

00:05:41.000 That's an ant genocide. 0.52

00:05:42.000 We're just saying, oh, amazing.

00:05:44.000 Hashtag be curious.

00:05:47.000 Sadly, Dom's dialed in to us because we're talking about ants.

00:05:51.000 See what they're doing here?

00:05:52.000 They're pouring it into this hole.

00:05:54.000 I mean, this is like metal.

00:05:57.000 That looks like they're pouring molten metal.

00:05:59.000 Is that metal?

00:06:00.000 It's aluminum, I'm pretty sure.

00:06:01.000 How rude! 0.85

00:06:02.000 Look at all these ants. 1.00

00:06:04.000 These ants are like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:06:05.000 Dude, what the fuck? 1.00

00:06:06.000 My family's in there! 1.00

00:06:07.000 My fucking kids! 1.00

00:06:08.000 Dude, what the fuck? 1.00

00:06:10.000 Look at the ants just like freaking out around the edge. 1.00

00:06:13.000 So they pour this molten aluminum in and fill the whole thing. 1.00

00:06:18.000 And then this serial killer asshole... 1.00

00:06:22.000 With a spatula. 1.00

00:06:23.000 He's got a little spatula.

00:06:24.000 He's digging this out.

00:06:27.000 Is that a gal or a dude? 1.00

00:06:29.000 It's hard to tell.

00:06:30.000 Might be a man bun.

00:06:31.000 But whoever it is, this gentleman or woman is going to go in there and dig the whole thing out now. 1.00

00:06:37.000 And it's a piece of art.

00:06:39.000 Wow, that's actually a pretty dope piece of art.

00:06:41.000 Finished casting, 21 inches wide, 14.5 inches high, and it weighs 3 pounds.

00:06:48.000 Wow.

00:06:48.000 Antcaster.

00:06:50.000 Harvester antcasting brought to you by ant.

00:06:52.000 Oh, antcaster.com.

00:06:54.000 So it's a company that murders ants for you.

00:07:00.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:07:01.000 Nobody gives a fuck if you kill ants. 0.98

00:07:03.000 It is one of the weirdest things, dude. 0.99

00:07:06.000 You could kill an ant on your pants and brush it to the ground in any respectable office and nobody freaks out.

00:07:13.000 Yeah.

00:07:14.000 Yeah.

00:07:15.000 No one says a word.

00:07:15.000 You kill a bee these days, people get pissed.

00:07:17.000 They get pissed. 0.93

00:07:18.000 And they should.

00:07:19.000 Yeah.

00:07:19.000 We don't have any many bees, you know, running out of bees.

00:07:22.000 And we want to keep our cell phones.

00:07:24.000 And we want to keep pesticide.

00:07:26.000 So...

00:07:26.000 Wait, how do bees and cell phones and pesticides connect?

00:07:29.000 Well, I'm not a bee expert.

00:07:31.000 I should just say that off the bat.

00:07:32.000 But what I've read is that they're pretty sure that bees are affected by cell phone signals in some sort of a negative way, and it interferes with their ability to communicate with each other. 0.99

00:07:43.000 Shut up. 0.95

00:07:44.000 Or there's another possible thought is that they might be hearing the sound of the cell phone signal all the time, and it's just driving them nuts. 0.99

00:07:53.000 It's just interfering.

00:07:55.000 It's intruding in their life.

00:07:56.000 The frequencies are making bees autistic so they can't talk to each other.

00:08:01.000 That's why autism is up also.

00:08:03.000 Big autism epidemic in the bees.

00:08:05.000 When we were on Fear Factor, we had this bee stunt.

00:08:08.000 We were up in...

00:08:09.000 I thought you were going to say you did it with autistic people. 1.00

00:08:11.000 Yeah, we took these autistic fuckers and... 1.00

00:08:14.000 Lied to them. 1.00

00:08:15.000 No, they had this stunt where they were covering people in bees.

00:08:19.000 And so we were on this ranch, and they had these people, and they would stand there, like, leaning up against a pole, and this guy would come over with bees and just coat them with bees, like, scoop it on them.

00:08:29.000 And they had to stand with the bees on them for a certain amount of time.

00:08:31.000 I don't remember how. 0.99

00:08:32.000 Maybe they had to, like, unlock locks or something stupid. 0.98

00:08:35.000 But while this was going on, this local colony of bees showed up. 0.99

00:08:39.000 So it was like a B gang meeting.

00:08:42.000 Like, they had to have a meeting.

00:08:43.000 And we had to leave.

00:08:44.000 Like, the guy who's the B guy goes, okay, here's the situation.

00:08:48.000 There is a local colony that just came to investigate why my colony's here.

00:08:54.000 We have to let them work this out.

00:08:57.000 And I was like, what?

00:08:58.000 Like, what are you talking about?

00:09:00.000 And so we had to all leave the set.

00:09:02.000 So we all left the set, and we went over by these trailers that they had set up, and we kind of watched these bees just fly around each other. 0.95

00:09:10.000 Shut up. 0.95

00:09:11.000 Yeah, and they had to figure each other out. 0.99

00:09:13.000 They had to figure out, like, what are you guys doing here?

00:09:15.000 Oh, we're filming a show.

00:09:16.000 Oh, when can we watch it?

00:09:17.000 And then they had to talk.

00:09:19.000 They had to have a meeting.

00:09:20.000 We're not moving in.

00:09:21.000 We don't live here.

00:09:21.000 We live down there in that thing.

00:09:23.000 I mean, obviously, they didn't use English.

00:09:25.000 But somehow or another they communicated whatever they needed to and like 20 minutes later or so we were allowed to go back to work.

00:09:32.000 Were there dead bees on the ground when you got over there?

00:09:34.000 No, I don't think so.

00:09:35.000 It's hard to find them.

00:09:36.000 I mean, if there were, I'd find a dead bee on the ground.

00:09:38.000 No, but I mean, if there were more than one, you'd imagine maybe 30 dead bees on the ground.

00:09:43.000 Like 300 for dead bees.

00:09:45.000 Like the movie 300. Just fucking Xerxes victims everywhere. 1.00

00:09:51.000 Have you ever driven through a big flock of bees? 0.99

00:09:56.000 No.

00:09:56.000 A swarm of bees?

00:09:57.000 No.

00:09:58.000 Driven through, like, smack, smack, smack, all over the windshield?

00:10:01.000 Over by NBC in Burbank, you know that, like, right off Alameda, that back road?

00:10:06.000 I was driving through one time, I had my windows down, and all of a sudden, maybe a thousand bees just flying around and all in the car, and I was like, mother...

00:10:16.000 Wow.

00:10:16.000 Literally.

00:10:17.000 I just kept driving.

00:10:18.000 I just sped up.

00:10:19.000 And they came in and out of the car pretty quickly.

00:10:21.000 But I drove right through them.

00:10:23.000 And the same thing happened in front of our house.

00:10:25.000 In front of our house, there's a dead elm tree or something.

00:10:29.000 Or a walnut tree.

00:10:30.000 It was a walnut grove.

00:10:31.000 And it's all hollowed out.

00:10:32.000 And there were like a thousand bees living inside that.

00:10:35.000 And my daughter's terrified of bees. 1.00

00:10:37.000 And our neighbor just went in and put a towel in the top and just locked him in and had him die. 1.00

00:10:44.000 What a mean fucker he is. 1.00

00:10:46.000 He's a dick. 1.00

00:10:47.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:10:48.000 Did you ever see the...

00:10:49.000 There was a guy, I think it was Long Island, that found this mega colony in his attic.

00:10:56.000 He went up in his attic, and it was either ants, or it was either bees or wasps.

00:11:01.000 I don't know what... 0.99

00:11:02.000 I don't remember which one it was, but what I remember is this fucking guy was up in his attic and was like, holy shit. 0.99

00:11:10.000 We're talking about something as big as this table. 0.99

00:11:13.000 This enormous, enormous bee colony in his attic.

00:11:17.000 They just had found a way through. 0.99

00:11:19.000 They said, fuck, it's warm in here. 1.00

00:11:20.000 Let's keep... 1.00

00:11:21.000 And he just never went up there. 0.98

00:11:23.000 And so they just kept building this goddamn thing until it was this huge shelter. 0.99

00:11:28.000 Jesus. 0.99

00:11:30.000 See, there's a video of it, Jamie, if you can find it.

00:11:33.000 They got Africanized bees in Bisbee, oddly enough.

00:11:36.000 I saw that online one time.

00:11:39.000 Literally, those are the killer bees.

00:11:40.000 Those are the bad ones.

00:11:42.000 And they got dudes that... 0.98

00:11:43.000 I think it was a TV show, now that I say it, because that sounds like I fucking read something. 0.98

00:11:46.000 But I think it was a reality show about a guy who would just get rid of Africanized bees. 1.00

00:11:50.000 Those are the scary ones.

00:11:52.000 Yeah, remember when you were a kid and everyone was scared of African killer bees?

00:11:56.000 Dude, quicksand, killer bees.

00:11:57.000 What happened to quicksand?

00:11:59.000 We've talked about this, I think, before.

00:12:01.000 Where did quicksand go? 0.89

00:12:01.000 They turned into porn. 0.89

00:12:03.000 The quicksand bees. 1.00

00:12:05.000 I mean, I thought there was a bunch of shit that was going to get me. 1.00

00:12:08.000 Yeah, the Russians. 1.00

00:12:10.000 Tell me about it.

00:12:11.000 Remember when you were a kid? 1.00

00:12:12.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

00:12:13.000 Dude, I thought the bomb was going to happen. 1.00

00:12:15.000 These fucking kids today, they don't know. 1.00

00:12:16.000 These fucking kids today. 1.00

00:12:18.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00

00:12:19.000 Last night, Joey Diaz is on stage at the Ha Ha.

00:12:21.000 I'm not going to do his bit at all.

00:12:22.000 I don't even know if it's a bit or it's him talking.

00:12:24.000 Because quite honestly, I watched him smoke maybe 10 cupfuls of hash on Vine before he came there.

00:12:31.000 But he was doing this bit.

00:12:33.000 I'm in the back just kind of watching him.

00:12:34.000 And he's doing this bit about... 1.00

00:12:37.000 Watching two dogs fuck. 1.00

00:12:39.000 I'm not going to do it. 1.00

00:12:40.000 But what was happening was there were these two, I'm going to say gay hipsters, they have man buns, and they were just looking at each other, they're like shaking their head going, that's not true. 1.00

00:12:51.000 And I was like, oh man, our kids are so far removed from the stray dogs fucking in your front yard that these guys think that dogs, you just adopt them, and that they're almost genetically made in laboratories, that they don't just fuck on the streets. 0.99

00:13:07.000 It was so interesting to watch these two kids just go like, it's not true. 0.98

00:13:10.000 Well, that's sort of part of the premise of Joey's bit.

00:13:13.000 That, you know, you don't see that anymore.

00:13:14.000 Yeah.

00:13:15.000 No, but it was watching these kids just look at each other and just shake their head.

00:13:18.000 And I was like, who the...

00:13:20.000 Like, I remember watching...

00:13:21.000 I remember seeing that when I was a kid.

00:13:22.000 Yeah.

00:13:23.000 Joey's bit is so funny.

00:13:24.000 Dude, he was hilarious last night.

00:13:27.000 Tuesday night at the store, too.

00:13:28.000 He was on fire.

00:13:30.000 Tuesday night at the store, he was on fire.

00:13:32.000 And he just gets off stage, he's like, bye.

00:13:35.000 I thought we were gonna hang out. 1.00

00:13:36.000 Nah, fuck that cocksucker. 1.00

00:13:38.000 I gotta go. 1.00

00:13:39.000 I'll come over to your house for Girl Scout cookies.

00:13:41.000 I gotta go.

00:13:42.000 It's pretty funny and crazy what happened to Lee.

00:13:45.000 Out of everyone that we know, all the comedians, Lee, his assistant on his podcast, is banned from that hotel.

00:13:55.000 Silver Point?

00:13:57.000 What is it?

00:13:57.000 South Point.

00:13:58.000 Banned for life.

00:13:59.000 What hotel?

00:14:00.000 South Point.

00:14:01.000 He was given out allegedly.

00:14:04.000 He gave a star to somebody.

00:14:05.000 Should we tell his story?

00:14:06.000 I don't know.

00:14:07.000 We don't know.

00:14:09.000 Allegedly, he gave a star.

00:14:11.000 Yeah.

00:14:11.000 We probably shouldn't tell his story.

00:14:13.000 I don't know if this was a story.

00:14:14.000 I'm sure it's on his podcast.

00:14:17.000 I don't know.

00:14:18.000 Let me tell you something.

00:14:19.000 Joey gave out the guy who makes our t-shirts.

00:14:22.000 He gave out his phone number online.

00:14:25.000 And he called me. 1.00

00:14:25.000 He goes, if you ever do business with that cocksucker again, I'll fucking kill you. 1.00

00:14:29.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:14:30.000 I was like, Joey, I already have a shirt order in.

00:14:32.000 He's like, cancel it.

00:14:33.000 Cancel it.

00:14:34.000 It's me or him.

00:14:35.000 Whoa.

00:14:35.000 So I had to go through new people to get my shirts.

00:14:38.000 Really? 1.00

00:14:38.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:14:39.000 You think you want to fuck with Joey? 1.00

00:14:40.000 What was it about? 1.00

00:14:43.000 Nothing. 0.99

00:14:43.000 Fucking nothing sometimes. 0.99

00:14:44.000 I mean, I don't know what it was, but Joey wouldn't tell me. 1.00

00:14:47.000 He's like, ah, dude, fuck him. 0.99

00:14:49.000 It had to be something. 1.00

00:14:51.000 I would assume.

00:14:53.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:54.000 Joey's been on a tear lately, hasn't he? 1.00

00:14:57.000 Motherfucker! 1.00

00:14:58.000 Joey doesn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:15:00.000 If he thinks you're a piece of shit, he wants the world to know. 1.00

00:15:03.000 What are these? 1.00

00:15:04.000 This is the new shirt.

00:15:04.000 It's from the time I fought the bear.

00:15:06.000 Can you see it?

00:15:07.000 No.

00:15:08.000 It says marshmallow.

00:15:10.000 What is it?

00:15:10.000 I don't get it.

00:15:11.000 It's a bear.

00:15:12.000 See a bear face?

00:15:13.000 Yeah.

00:15:14.000 And it says marshmallow in it.

00:15:15.000 Oh, now I get it.

00:15:16.000 Yeah.

00:15:16.000 Oh, okay.

00:15:17.000 So I fought a bear.

00:15:18.000 I've told you a story before.

00:15:18.000 If I got one for all you guys, then there's an extra one left over.

00:15:21.000 I shouldn't put him right in front of us.

00:15:23.000 That's going to be distracting.

00:15:25.000 So this guy's a new guy that made you shirts.

00:15:28.000 Yeah.

00:15:28.000 Because you couldn't do it with the guy that Joey hates.

00:15:30.000 Joey's...

00:15:31.000 Hmm.

00:15:32.000 Joey's loyal, man.

00:15:33.000 That is the one thing about that guy.

00:15:35.000 He's definitely that.

00:15:36.000 Yeah.

00:15:37.000 Joey's, uh...

00:15:39.000 He's very passionate.

00:15:41.000 I don't know what happened.

00:15:43.000 But he's great if you're great to him.

00:15:45.000 Yeah.

00:15:45.000 He's great if you're great to him.

00:15:46.000 But if you fuck him over, if you act like a cunt, he comes down. 1.00

00:15:51.000 He comes down hard. 1.00

00:15:52.000 Who'll call you on it first?

00:15:54.000 Has he ever called you on something you did?

00:15:56.000 Like just been...

00:15:58.000 Joey and I have been remarkably friendly forever.

00:16:02.000 Remarkably.

00:16:02.000 Like, even if we got upset at each other for anything, it was very, very minor.

00:16:06.000 Yeah, and it's usually because he hasn't had food yet.

00:16:09.000 Like, if he's gotten upset at anything, the madness he ever got me was when I couldn't figure out where we should eat in Austin.

00:16:15.000 We had landed.

00:16:17.000 We had landed, and then we were driving, and like, where do you guys want to go? 0.99

00:16:21.000 Fucking find somewhere! 0.98

00:16:22.000 Find somewhere! 1.00

00:16:23.000 You got that fucking phone in your pocket? 1.00

00:16:25.000 Take the fucking phone out of your pocket and find somewhere. 1.00

00:16:28.000 Jesus Christ, you're broken. 1.00

00:16:29.000 Call somebody.

00:16:30.000 And he was in, he was like the worst, he was in the worst health out of all the time that I've known him.

00:16:37.000 He was real big then, like real heavy. 0.80

00:16:40.000 And he, you know, it's just, when you get like that, I don't know what it is, that blood sugar spike thing where you just fucking need to eat right now or you're freaking out.

00:16:52.000 He gets there, you know, he gets to that spot.

00:16:55.000 Oh, he got on me one time, because he called me, and I didn't answer.

00:17:00.000 And then he called again, and I didn't answer.

00:17:03.000 And he called a third time, and I still didn't answer.

00:17:07.000 And then he started calling aggressively.

00:17:08.000 And I was like, oh, something's wrong. 0.98

00:17:10.000 So I pick up the phone, and he goes, no, no, we're fucking friends. 0.98

00:17:14.000 If I call, that means I need to talk to you. 1.00

00:17:16.000 You pick up your fucking phone, or we're not fucking friends. 1.00

00:17:19.000 Do you understand that? 1.00

00:17:21.000 I'm having, like, flashbacks when you talk like that.

00:17:23.000 And I just, I was like, but I just, no, not I just. 0.98

00:17:26.000 I call, you see my name, you fucking call me back. 0.99

00:17:29.000 How about how crazy he is with the fucking voicemails and the text? 1.00

00:17:33.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

00:17:33.000 You can't leave a voicemail, you can't leave a text. 1.00

00:17:36.000 You call me.

00:17:38.000 I go, well, come on, Joey.

00:17:39.000 Why do you want everybody else to follow these rules?

00:17:42.000 These rules don't make sense.

00:17:44.000 If it's so easy to just text you a message and say, hey, brother, show tonight is at 10. Why isn't that okay?

00:17:50.000 Why isn't that okay?

00:17:52.000 Because I'm insecure.

00:17:53.000 I want to talk to you.

00:17:54.000 I want to look you in the eyes like a man. 0.99

00:17:56.000 You're going to fucking tell me something, and the next best thing is talking to you on the phone. 0.99

00:18:00.000 It's hard to argue with that. 0.99

00:18:02.000 No More Voicemail app is an app that kills voicemail, so callers have to text you instead.

00:18:06.000 I'm pretty sure you could just turn off voicemail.

00:18:09.000 You just let it fill up. 1.00

00:18:11.000 I just let that bitch fill up. 1.00

00:18:12.000 Let me tell you something. 1.00

00:18:13.000 I never check those things.

00:18:14.000 Joey's been to every Easter at my house, every Christmas Eve, every Christmas dinner.

00:18:20.000 For the past, ever since I've known him. 0.97

00:18:22.000 Because that, because that, and that, it's interesting, because it's helped blossom a part of my personality, because I'm really fucking, I got intimacy issues.

00:18:30.000 Like, I don't, like, I like to be friends with people, but my phone calls are usually pretty short.

00:18:34.000 I don't want to bother people.

00:18:35.000 I'm just afraid people will bother people.

00:18:37.000 Well, that's just being considerate.

00:18:39.000 But Joey's one of those guys, like the first, I think the first Easter we invited him to, him and my dad got along really fast.

00:18:45.000 He gave my dad marijuana.

00:18:47.000 I was there.

00:18:48.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:18:49.000 I sipped him edible marijuana.

00:18:50.000 Did he dose him or did he tell him what he was doing?

00:18:53.000 Just offered him some popcorn.

00:18:55.000 You know, Joey, Mr. K, take some of this. 1.00

00:18:59.000 And it's fucking edible marijuana. 0.99

00:19:00.000 My dad eats some. 1.00

00:19:01.000 Oh my God.

00:19:01.000 And my dad's like, and I go, Dad, that's edible marijuana.

00:19:04.000 And he goes, no, buddy, it's popcorn.

00:19:06.000 How old's your dad?

00:19:08.000 67 right now, probably.

00:19:10.000 And what was he doing back when pot was kicking?

00:19:12.000 Back in the dizzy.

00:19:13.000 He tried it a couple times, but he wasn't, like, he was a runner, so he didn't do it.

00:19:17.000 And then Joey just starts laughing. 1.00

00:19:19.000 Mr. K's going deep, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:19:21.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:19:22.000 And so I go over, I go, Joey, did you just give him marijuana?

00:19:25.000 He goes, he took it.

00:19:26.000 No, I didn't give it to him.

00:19:26.000 He took it.

00:19:29.000 What kind of a fucking person expects a 69 year old guy to know what the fuck pot popcorn is? 1.00

00:19:38.000 Most 20 year old kids all across the country don't know what pot popcorn is. 1.00

00:19:42.000 Joe, there's a picture I have of my dad I'm not even lying.

00:19:47.000 With his hand into his mouth like this.

00:19:49.000 And Joey with that big Joey. 1.00

00:19:52.000 Like fucking. 1.00

00:19:54.000 Howling and laughing. 1.00

00:19:55.000 And then immediately I was like, my dad's like, well, what do I do?

00:20:00.000 And I was like, and Joey's like, you're going with him, dog.

00:20:02.000 Just hand me some.

00:20:03.000 And so I ate some. 1.00

00:20:04.000 My wife's losing her fucking mind. 1.00

00:20:06.000 Now everyone's on edibles on Easter morning. 1.00

00:20:09.000 And fucking all the kids are Easter egg hunting. 1.00

00:20:11.000 I go into the man cave. 1.00

00:20:12.000 I lock the doors. 0.97

00:20:13.000 Joey's like, we're podcasting, cocksuckers. 0.94

00:20:17.000 Turns on my podcasting equipment.

00:20:19.000 And we do probably my most epic podcast ever.

00:20:23.000 Wow.

00:20:24.000 Of just Joey just, oh.

00:20:26.000 But he's like, but I'll tell you what.

00:20:29.000 Your dad had fun though, right?

00:20:30.000 My dad had a blast.

00:20:31.000 You want to know the really best part?

00:20:32.000 That night, we all leave.

00:20:34.000 Everyone leaves.

00:20:35.000 That night, me and my dad sat in my, went to my sister's house, sat outside, had a cigar.

00:20:39.000 And my dad has always had a problem with my lifestyle. 1.00

00:20:42.000 And we're both higher than giraffe pussy. 1.00

00:20:44.000 And he's like, buddy, I want to tell you why I bother you about your lifestyle. 0.99

00:20:49.000 My father reminded me so much of you.

00:20:51.000 My father died when he was 42 from blood pressure issues.

00:20:54.000 And I've never been one to hound you, but I want you to go to a cardiologist, get a CT scan.

00:21:00.000 I want you to get the full comprehensive thing right now.

00:21:02.000 And I said, if I did that, would that make you feel comfortable?

00:21:05.000 And he goes...

00:21:06.000 That would change my life.

00:21:08.000 And I was like, why do we have to be high to have this conversation? 0.98

00:21:10.000 And so the fucking next month I went in. 0.99

00:21:13.000 I got a full fucking comprehensive overview. 0.99

00:21:15.000 Totally fine. 0.99

00:21:15.000 High blood pressure, but totally fine. 0.99

00:21:17.000 My dad's like... 0.97

00:21:19.000 I'm not even fucking around when I say this. 0.97

00:21:21.000 My dad loves Joey Diaz because of that moment. 0.96

00:21:24.000 Because he got my dad, a very uptight guy, to a place where he could kind of connect with me and talk to me for the first time like that.

00:21:30.000 And go, you know, you're drinking.

00:21:31.000 I don't know if you do drugs on the road.

00:21:32.000 I don't know what you do.

00:21:34.000 And we just had a great conversation. 0.99

00:21:35.000 And every fucking family event we ever had that my dad's at, my dad's like, did you call Joey? 0.99

00:21:40.000 He just fucking loves, he loves his daughter. 0.99

00:21:42.000 Yeah, my dad loves Joey. 0.99

00:21:44.000 Really, literally.

00:21:45.000 Everybody who knows Joey loves Joey. 0.99

00:21:47.000 Oh, my kids fucking love him. 0.99

00:21:50.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:21:51.000 Oh, he calls out Isla El Diablo.

00:21:53.000 When he goes off, man, you just gotta back away.

00:21:56.000 Like that John Caparulo thing.

00:21:58.000 Oh my god.

00:22:00.000 Caparulo was asking me to get involved.

00:22:01.000 I'm like, you're on your own, dude.

00:22:04.000 You're on your own.

00:22:05.000 Here, I don't know what happened.

00:22:06.000 I was outside of that. 0.98

00:22:07.000 I wasn't at the store where all this shit was going down. 0.98

00:22:10.000 I don't know what Caparulo did that pissed Joey off so much. 0.99

00:22:14.000 But Joey's insistent.

00:22:18.000 I didn't want to hear it.

00:22:20.000 Watching it on Twitter was insane.

00:22:23.000 Every three seconds.

00:22:25.000 If it was you and him, I would have to get involved.

00:22:28.000 I'd have to go, okay, what happened? 1.00

00:22:29.000 What the fuck is going on? 0.98

00:22:31.000 I don't know Caparola that well. 0.99

00:22:33.000 I just know I'm like, hey, what's up, man?

00:22:34.000 I'm like, you're on your own.

00:22:38.000 Sorry, dude.

00:22:40.000 I don't know what to tell you.

00:22:41.000 One guy's my brother, and the other guy, I barely know you.

00:22:44.000 I mean, I know you like high, but we never hang out.

00:22:47.000 I don't know what's going on.

00:22:49.000 I don't know what you did.

00:22:50.000 But Joey...

00:22:51.000 When he gets this thought in his head that you're the enemy, he doesn't let it go.

00:22:58.000 If he saw Tommy today, Tommy from the old Comedy Store, he would spit in his face. 0.99

00:23:05.000 He would get fucking crazy. 0.99

00:23:07.000 He's the real deal. 1.00

00:23:09.000 What you see is what you get.

00:23:11.000 There's no act.

00:23:13.000 There's no...

00:23:13.000 And that's when Joey really became Joey on stage.

00:23:17.000 Because Joey was always the funniest guy in the parking lot.

00:23:20.000 And then he would go on stage and...

00:23:21.000 I don't know what it is, man.

00:23:23.000 He just couldn't figure out...

00:23:25.000 You know those tense moments?

00:23:26.000 Like, I was watching someone last night that was just starting doing comedy.

00:23:29.000 And she was doing a set.

00:23:30.000 And I could tell, like, she's got potential, but she just can't get comfortable up there.

00:23:35.000 She can't be herself.

00:23:36.000 You know?

00:23:37.000 There's, like, this something, these thoughts, this, like...

00:23:41.000 Compression that's holding you back Joey had that and then one day he didn't have it anymore I mean it was crazy and we had been friends for like a couple of years And he just wasn't doing well like his is he wasn't doing well on stage and then all the sudden He was murdering like I've never seen anything like it before it was like a switch flipped And there's a different person out there.

00:24:07.000 And he was the same guy from the parking lot. 0.98

00:24:09.000 It doesn't matter who the fuck's in the crowd. 0.99

00:24:10.000 It didn't matter. 1.00

00:24:11.000 He would say shit. 1.00

00:24:12.000 You're like, how the fuck did you just say that racist shit? 1.00

00:24:15.000 It was just the most ridiculous shit and really fucking funny. 1.00

00:24:20.000 All of a sudden, like, out of nowhere. 1.00

00:24:22.000 He was inspirational last night.

00:24:26.000 I watched him in the back.

00:24:27.000 I know Joey really well.

00:24:32.000 Man, I watched him and I was like, that's the same voice you're doing.

00:24:35.000 The same voice you call me on the phone with is on stage.

00:24:38.000 And I didn't feel like anything was a bit.

00:24:40.000 I felt like it was really morphed into him. 0.98

00:24:43.000 It's just Uncle Joey talking to you, cocksuckers. 1.00

00:24:45.000 Well, he's real dedicated right now. 0.96

00:24:47.000 He's out there huffing it every night.

00:24:49.000 He's putting in a lot of sets.

00:24:51.000 Oh, dude, he calls me up.

00:24:51.000 He goes, dude, haha.

00:24:52.000 And he's fucking Wednesday night. 1.00

00:24:54.000 It's fucking five minutes from your house, cocksucker. 1.00

00:24:55.000 I'll pick you up. 1.00

00:24:56.000 I go there.

00:24:57.000 I went there last night.

00:24:58.000 That's amazing.

00:24:59.000 I had a great time, man.

00:25:00.000 It's fun. 0.88

00:25:00.000 And the owners are so fucking cool. 0.88

00:25:03.000 Jack? 0.75

00:25:03.000 He's a really, really nice guy. 0.75

00:25:04.000 Jack Jr.'s son runs the Wednesday night workout.

00:25:07.000 Yeah.

00:25:07.000 And it's just...

00:25:08.000 It was...

00:25:09.000 I mean...

00:25:10.000 I'm telling you, man.

00:25:11.000 I've told you this.

00:25:12.000 We've had this conversation a lot, but I'll say it out loud.

00:25:15.000 When you get back into stand-up, it's like working out.

00:25:20.000 I'm saying this only to Joe now, right now.

00:25:23.000 You ever work out so much where when you sit down, you can feel your abs tighten up.

00:25:26.000 You're like, I feel good, man.

00:25:27.000 I'm in good shape right now. 0.99

00:25:29.000 When you're doing stand-up like that, all the fucking time. 0.99

00:25:32.000 Your act gets nice and tight. 1.00

00:25:34.000 And I'm in fucking... 1.00

00:25:37.000 Hardcore fucking stand-up mode. 0.99

00:25:39.000 Nice. 1.00

00:25:39.000 I love it, man. 1.00

00:25:40.000 I love it so much.

00:25:42.000 Well, we were talking about this that you do that show so much that maybe it's reached the point where the show is kind of getting in the way.

00:25:49.000 I didn't realize it.

00:25:51.000 You had said that to me at one point.

00:25:53.000 You had said a couple things to me that were a little heavy that I couldn't wrap my head around and I think...

00:25:57.000 That's me, man.

00:25:58.000 I'm heavy, bro.

00:25:59.000 No, I think it was because I wasn't doing stand-up.

00:26:01.000 I didn't understand what I was trying to do.

00:26:03.000 But you get into production mode.

00:26:04.000 But what did I say that was heavy?

00:26:06.000 The two things you said is, you need to stop doing that show.

00:26:09.000 You need to get back on stage. 0.98

00:26:10.000 You're too good of a comic to fucking not be doing stand-up all the time. 0.97

00:26:13.000 And then the other thing you said was, you've got to be looking at this show you're doing, and you need to be writing about this on stage. 0.99

00:26:18.000 The problem is, I couldn't write about what I was doing.

00:26:20.000 I didn't know how to write about these activities, because I wasn't in stand-up mode.

00:26:24.000 I was in production mode.

00:26:25.000 Right.

00:26:25.000 Like, what time's our call time?

00:26:27.000 What time do the flight leaves?

00:26:27.000 I just thought it was crazy that you live such an adventurous life, and yet you don't talk about it on stage.

00:26:32.000 I mean, you're all over the world.

00:26:34.000 Oh, dude.

00:26:35.000 I just now, just this past week, and I'm gearing up to do my hour.

00:26:39.000 I gotta say this before I forget.

00:26:41.000 I am taping my hour special for Showtime April 1st at the Irvine Improv.

00:26:46.000 If you'd like to get tickets, you can go to my Twitter feed.

00:26:49.000 You can get a link right there, or go to the Irvine Improv.

00:26:51.000 Two shows Friday night, 7.30 and 8.00.

00:26:55.000 Wow, half hour set?

00:26:57.000 Yeah, 7.30 and an 8. Oh, I'm sorry.

00:27:00.000 No, no, no.

00:27:00.000 I'm sorry.

00:27:00.000 I'm fucked up.

00:27:01.000 No, 7.30 and 10 or whatever. 0.99

00:27:03.000 7.30 and 10. It's a quick turnover.

00:27:06.000 It's a quick turnover.

00:27:07.000 You're doing a 10-minute special.

00:27:08.000 You're releasing your special on Vine.

00:27:09.000 Yeah.

00:27:10.000 So go to the Irvine and probably get tickets because I'd like to sell it out.

00:27:13.000 I'd like to have a packed room and it's like a 500-seater.

00:27:16.000 Why wouldn't you like to have it empty?

00:27:19.000 I'd like to.

00:27:21.000 I'd like to sell it out.

00:27:22.000 I would like the show to be successful, so please laugh. 1.00

00:27:26.000 The Irvine Improv is a shit, too. 0.98

00:27:27.000 The new place is really excellent. 1.00

00:27:29.000 Callan filmed his thing there.

00:27:31.000 Really?

00:27:31.000 Yeah, it's great.

00:27:32.000 I opened for him.

00:27:34.000 It's sweet.

00:27:35.000 It's a real nice setup, man.

00:27:36.000 It looks beautiful.

00:27:38.000 I've done it a couple times on Tuesday, too.

00:27:39.000 They have a fun Tuesday night there.

00:27:41.000 I think I did a weekend there once, too.

00:27:43.000 It's great. 1.00

00:27:44.000 The new Irvine Improv is fucking smoking. 0.99

00:27:46.000 It's perfect. 0.99

00:27:47.000 That's cool.

00:27:48.000 I kept looking at all these shows.

00:27:51.000 It's so easy to see specials on Netflix.

00:27:53.000 But everything, for me, looked a little cookie cutter where everything was done in a certain type of thing.

00:27:58.000 I was like, I don't do theaters.

00:27:59.000 It makes sense that you or Bill would do a theater show. 0.99

00:28:02.000 When do I ever do a fucking theater? 0.98

00:28:03.000 I'm not doing theaters anymore for specials. 0.99

00:28:06.000 I do theaters if I'm in a place like Vegas or if I want to go to a town for one night, I'll do a theater, but specials.

00:28:13.000 Hockey arenas.

00:28:15.000 With the ice.

00:28:16.000 On ice, and I can't skate.

00:28:20.000 No, I can't skate at all, man. 0.68

00:28:21.000 It would be a lot of shitty movement.

00:28:24.000 Who did you say that to? 0.92

00:28:25.000 Action Bronson?

00:28:26.000 Action Bronson. 0.99

00:28:27.000 That is the funniest goddamn interview. 0.99

00:28:29.000 When you're talking and he's totally Action Bronson in that, and you just go, I can't skate. 0.99

00:28:35.000 I laughed fucking hysterically. 0.98

00:28:38.000 He was like, are you fucking serious? 1.00

00:28:40.000 How do you not skate? 0.99

00:28:41.000 Dude, we were on Pluto.

00:28:44.000 We were so high during that interview. 0.94

00:28:45.000 It was so ridiculous, and he kept going. 0.99

00:28:47.000 He smoked it like a cigarette! 0.99

00:28:48.000 Yeah, he kept going.

00:28:49.000 He does that all day.

00:28:50.000 He's just constantly going. 1.00

00:28:51.000 He had like a fucking... 1.00

00:28:52.000 You ever see those Cuban cigar rollers? 1.00

00:28:55.000 They roll their fucking stack of the day? 0.99

00:28:58.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:28:58.000 That's what he had with him. 0.99

00:28:59.000 Just a stack of blunts. 0.97

00:29:02.000 I'm telling you, I've got 19 million things to talk to you about, but that Viceland, I'm fucking fascinated. 0.95

00:29:08.000 Viceland's great. 0.94

00:29:09.000 The show's great.

00:29:10.000 His show is excellent, too. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Fuck that's delicious. 1.00

00:29:13.000 I watched that. 1.00

00:29:14.000 I found that at the beach one weekend, and I watched all of them.

00:29:17.000 Food shows are great.

00:29:19.000 But the way he does it, it's real.

00:29:21.000 It's not like, I'm here at the dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, and we're ready to, you know?

00:29:26.000 Do-do-do-do. 0.96

00:29:28.000 I did that for, when we did, we shot Birth to Conqueror, and I'm not saying I stole from Action Bronson, but like, after watching enough content, I was like, I don't need the intros, I don't need any of this shit.

00:29:38.000 Just give me the action. 0.68

00:29:39.000 Right.

00:29:40.000 So when we did Birth to Conqueror, it's not gonna air for, maybe ever, I don't know, until June.

00:29:44.000 But there's no intros, none of that.

00:29:46.000 It's just real.

00:29:47.000 And that's the way content should be done.

00:29:51.000 Yeah, maybe a short introduction, like staring at the camera like you would if your friends were there.

00:29:56.000 Yeah.

00:29:56.000 Instead of this super polished professional thing.

00:30:00.000 The problem with your show is it's a great show, you love doing it, but you take months away from stand-up.

00:30:08.000 Yeah.

00:30:08.000 And that's...

00:30:10.000 That's just too much for a guy as funny as you.

00:30:13.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:30:14.000 I don't think I saw that until I started getting back on stage and going like, oh, fuck, man. 0.99

00:30:20.000 You know what happens when you don't do it all the time? 0.99

00:30:23.000 Is you don't work on your jokes.

00:30:24.000 You don't take that bit...

00:30:26.000 You can't.

00:30:27.000 Yeah, you just do it one time.

00:30:29.000 You're like, it worked.

00:30:29.000 I'm good.

00:30:30.000 The only way you can really do stand-up is to do it all the time.

00:30:33.000 And to do it in front of audiences all the time, that's how the bits have to come together.

00:30:37.000 You can't do it on your own.

00:30:38.000 You need people.

00:30:39.000 You've got to be in that zone.

00:30:41.000 Bill and I, Bill was talking to me about it.

00:30:45.000 And he said something like, man, I gotta go knock the rust off.

00:30:48.000 And I was like, whoa, when was the last time you were on stage?

00:30:50.000 He was like, last Sunday.

00:30:51.000 I went, hold on.

00:30:52.000 I've spent like months off stage.

00:30:54.000 And he was like, how can you do that?

00:30:57.000 Months is rough.

00:30:58.000 If I take a week off, I don't like it.

00:31:00.000 If I take two weeks off, it feels like I could take a week off if I'm going on vacation.

00:31:04.000 I'll say, okay, I'm going on vacation. 0.99

00:31:06.000 I'm not thinking about shit. 0.97

00:31:08.000 When I go on vacation, I make a concerted effort to just pay attention to entertainment. 0.99

00:31:13.000 Like I watch movies or I'll read a book or maybe I'll check Twitter real quick to see if anything wacky is going on in the world.

00:31:20.000 And that's it.

00:31:21.000 Like very little.

00:31:22.000 Very little.

00:31:23.000 I don't want to take anything.

00:31:24.000 I don't want to talk about business. 0.99

00:31:25.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:31:26.000 I just want to hang out and chill. 0.99

00:31:29.000 So I can do that.

00:31:30.000 But when I'm...

00:31:31.000 Like, if I take a week off and I just haven't done stand-up, and then I get back on stage again, I feel like I gotta get the engine cranking again.

00:31:40.000 Yeah.

00:31:40.000 So the longest I've ever taken off is from surgery.

00:31:42.000 I think when I twisted my knee, I took maybe a month off or something like that.

00:31:47.000 Yeah.

00:31:47.000 After ACL surgery, maybe a little more than a month.

00:31:50.000 It gets weird.

00:31:51.000 It does.

00:31:53.000 And you lose.

00:31:54.000 For me, I write a lot.

00:31:55.000 I write a lot on stage, so I lose material.

00:31:58.000 You lose tags and stuff. 0.98

00:31:59.000 I lose big chunks where I go, one day all of a sudden I'm like, oh wait, whatever happened to that fucking joke? 0.94

00:32:04.000 Is the Travel Channel cool with you not doing that show? 0.95

00:32:06.000 Or do they want to keep doing it?

00:32:09.000 I don't know.

00:32:10.000 You're doing Burt the Conqueror for them as well, right?

00:32:12.000 Right now we're doing two shows, but I'm not doing anything.

00:32:15.000 It was kind of understood I was going to take a little bit of a sabbatical to focus on stand-up.

00:32:20.000 And my agents would reach out and they're like, you know, technically I don't have to work all the time.

00:32:25.000 I was just doing it because I wanted money.

00:32:26.000 And they were like, we're cool with just the base of the deal and then give him the time to do stand-up.

00:32:32.000 And then I got back to stand-up and I was like, I started going like...

00:32:36.000 I can't do the show the way I normally do. 0.98

00:32:38.000 I can't just go and go, alright, let's two weeks go to fucking Micronesia. 0.95

00:32:42.000 I was like, I need to be on stage every week. 0.94

00:32:47.000 But for me, the store and some of the smaller clubs I like doing an hour.

00:32:55.000 I like working the hour. 0.96

00:32:56.000 So I like being on the road fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday. 0.71

00:32:59.000 Why don't you do a show, if you're going to do a show for them, a show that involves stand-up? 0.99

00:33:04.000 I mean, it's the damn Travel Channel.

00:33:05.000 How about you do a show where you go and you do stand-up on the road, and then you go out to places sort of like Dave Attell used to have, like Insomniac. 0.98

00:33:14.000 That kind of a thing.

00:33:15.000 Just visiting places. 0.99

00:33:16.000 And then come up with shit to do in those places that you visit. 0.99

00:33:20.000 That way you can do both. 0.89

00:33:21.000 The network's changed direction, so we don't know exactly what's going to happen with anyone, really.

00:33:28.000 Candidly, I think everyone knows this, but the network kind of did like a cleaning house and moved everyone to Knoxville and left Chevy Chase, Maryland, and there's a new president and a new SVP. Knoxville, Tennessee?

00:33:40.000 Yeah, that's where Scripps is headquartered.

00:33:42.000 Scripps?

00:33:43.000 Scripps owns Travel Channel.

00:33:45.000 They own DIY HDTV. Are we supposed to know this shit? 1.00

00:33:47.000 You're saying it like it's... 1.00

00:33:48.000 No.

00:33:48.000 Everyone knows this, Joe.

00:33:49.000 Yeah, come on, Joe.

00:33:50.000 I mean, the word's out.

00:33:51.000 No, Scripps.

00:33:52.000 What? 1.00

00:33:53.000 What fucking word is this, man? 1.00

00:33:55.000 You're so inside. 1.00

00:33:56.000 They've been my boss for six years.

00:33:57.000 I can't imagine anyone doesn't.

00:33:59.000 You're such an industry guy.

00:34:00.000 But...

00:34:01.000 Knoxville, Tennessee? 1.00

00:34:02.000 What the fuck is that place like? 0.99

00:34:03.000 That's pretty cool. 1.00

00:34:04.000 Is it?

00:34:05.000 Yeah, the old comedy club is right around the corner from where Scripps headquarters is.

00:34:10.000 What comedy club is that?

00:34:11.000 It's broken down now.

00:34:13.000 It's like just some beat up and just got the, theoretically, the Chuckle Hut signature on the thing.

00:34:18.000 Is it not existent anymore?

00:34:20.000 It's not existent, but man, I gotta be honest with you.

00:34:22.000 If I had an extra...

00:34:24.000 Chunk of Change, I'd fucking open it because I love those little box comedy clubs that, you know, like the... 0.97

00:34:30.000 Punchline Atlanta? 0.99

00:34:31.000 Yeah, Punchline Atlanta was such a great fucking club. 0.99

00:34:34.000 Wait, that's not open anymore? 0.99

00:34:35.000 No, it's closed.

00:34:36.000 Went under.

00:34:37.000 Jamie, remember Jamie from the Punchline?

00:34:39.000 He's going to get me that piece of, there was a piece of wallboard that says, quit trying to be Hicks.

00:34:44.000 Yeah.

00:34:45.000 Somebody wrote it in graffiti. 1.00

00:34:46.000 I loved that fucking thing. 0.99

00:34:48.000 I have a photo of that, yeah. 0.99

00:34:49.000 Yeah, I always thought it was hilarious. 0.99

00:34:51.000 That was a great fucking club. 1.00

00:34:53.000 That's sad. 1.00

00:34:54.000 So what took its place down there?

00:34:55.000 Well, they had parking issues, if you remember.

00:34:58.000 They always had parking issues.

00:35:00.000 And I don't know if they lost their lease.

00:35:02.000 I don't know what happened.

00:35:03.000 But I guess they're reopening.

00:35:04.000 They're going to open up a new one somewhere else.

00:35:06.000 If I'm not mistaken, they might have already reopened because they gave me an offer for the weekend before my special.

00:35:12.000 That's good.

00:35:13.000 But I think right now they're like in limbo.

00:35:14.000 Okay.

00:35:16.000 They have the Laughing Skull there too.

00:35:17.000 Great club.

00:35:18.000 Fitzsimmons is there this weekend.

00:35:20.000 Really?

00:35:20.000 Yeah, Fitzsimmons is going there this weekend.

00:35:22.000 I don't think he's ever been there before.

00:35:23.000 We were talking to him about how awesome it is.

00:35:25.000 And then there's the improv now, right?

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:28.000 Improv is supposed to be pretty good there too, right?

00:35:29.000 I've done that one too.

00:35:30.000 That's good.

00:35:30.000 It seats a lot more.

00:35:31.000 How many people?

00:35:32.000 A lot.

00:35:33.000 It's probably...

00:35:34.000 I'm probably 320. Okay.

00:35:37.000 They're doing a lot of big clubs now.

00:35:40.000 They're doing like the 500-seaters, like the new Irvine Improv is 500-plus seats.

00:35:45.000 Columbus Funny Bone.

00:35:46.000 Yeah.

00:35:47.000 Columbus Funny Bone.

00:35:47.000 We were talking about that last night.

00:35:49.000 I'm doing a Call and Sit to Work show March 17th there.

00:35:52.000 What does that mean?

00:35:52.000 I told you about these.

00:35:53.000 I go in, I do radio, I drink, and then do like an 11 a.m.

00:35:56.000 show.

00:35:56.000 Oh, really?

00:35:57.000 Yeah.

00:35:57.000 Yeah, they've sold out everywhere.

00:35:59.000 I've never had them not sell out. 0.98

00:36:00.000 So they're fun as shit, but it's like an 11 a.m. 0.99

00:36:04.000 show and everyone just calls in sick to work and gets fucking blitzed. 0.99

00:36:07.000 So it's St. Paddy's Day and Drew pulled up and he's like, it's fucking insane. 0.99

00:36:12.000 They're insane. 0.98

00:36:13.000 What is your dad worried about with your lifestyle?

00:36:17.000 It's weird.

00:36:18.000 I don't know why you would be worried about your drinking.

00:36:20.000 I'm dialed in.

00:36:20.000 I can lighten up my partying.

00:36:23.000 I don't party as hard as people think.

00:36:25.000 He's my canary now.

00:36:26.000 That's a perfect canary, right? 1.00

00:36:28.000 I'm not anyone's canary.

00:36:29.000 He doesn't smoke cigarettes.

00:36:31.000 That's true.

00:36:32.000 How much do you weigh right now?

00:36:36.000 207. Are you serious?

00:36:38.000 How tall are you?

00:36:38.000 5'8".

00:36:39.000 Oh, you are?

00:36:40.000 Yeah.

00:36:40.000 Oh, I thought you were 6 foot.

00:36:42.000 Six foot.

00:36:43.000 Yeah.

00:36:44.000 Bert's barely paying attention to you.

00:36:45.000 I know.

00:36:46.000 He's like he's over there somewhere.

00:36:48.000 Yeah.

00:36:49.000 You know that guy.

00:36:50.000 Well, congrats on your weight loss.

00:36:51.000 Thanks, man.

00:36:52.000 I mean, I was 228 January 1st, so it's falling off.

00:36:58.000 I was 256 November 30th.

00:37:01.000 And you're 255 today?

00:37:03.000 No.

00:37:03.000 230. Really?

00:37:05.000 What'd you do?

00:37:05.000 No bread.

00:37:06.000 Yeah.

00:37:07.000 That's a big one.

00:37:07.000 Just it.

00:37:07.000 No fucking bread.

00:37:08.000 Isn't that amazing? 1.00

00:37:09.000 Just cut out bread and you will lose a lot of weight.

00:37:13.000 And I've been having beer. 0.99

00:37:14.000 It's not like carbs, but just no fucking bread. 0.99

00:37:17.000 That's so crazy. 0.99

00:37:17.000 Have you ever thought about what it'd be like if you cut it all out? 0.99

00:37:19.000 All carbs? 0.99

00:37:20.000 Yeah, I think I'd be boring as fuck. 1.00

00:37:23.000 Why do you think you'd be boring? 1.00

00:37:26.000 Bread makes you awesome?

00:37:27.000 No, but I think the thing I like about my personality, the thing I like about life, I like about life, is impulse.

00:37:38.000 I love impulse.

00:37:41.000 It's tough when you're on a diet, you'd be shocked when you've been groomed on this lifestyle, how often you just go to the fridge and open it.

00:37:48.000 Because that's what impulse provides. 0.99

00:37:50.000 It's like how often you go to get a snack and you're like, wait, oh fuck, I can't snack. 0.98

00:37:53.000 Like, and so it's interesting to pull that part of your personality back. 0.97

00:37:57.000 And the last part of my personality is like, I don't know, if like a good opportunity shows up and someone wants to do a shot, I want to be able to do a shot.

00:38:04.000 So like, I think that cutting out all carbs together would just be tough for me.

00:38:08.000 What about just cutting out beer and just doing like vodka or something?

00:38:11.000 Because isn't a beer way worse for you then?

00:38:13.000 I did that.

00:38:13.000 I did that during this whole time.

00:38:15.000 I cut out beer entirely.

00:38:17.000 Definitely a lot of calories.

00:38:19.000 A lot of calories.

00:38:20.000 I was doing like, I was kind of slow rolling wine, mostly.

00:38:24.000 Slow rolling wine?

00:38:25.000 Yeah.

00:38:26.000 Is that another expression that I'm not aware of?

00:38:28.000 Are you a slow wine roller, Brian?

00:38:30.000 Sometimes, when I have a box of wine that I carry around.

00:38:33.000 Do you ever say, I'm a slow rolling...

00:38:34.000 A box of wine is the best!

00:38:36.000 A box of wine is awesome!

00:38:38.000 It's one of the best inventions in the room.

00:38:39.000 Did you buy it from Napa?

00:38:41.000 Did you drive up there?

00:38:42.000 When I drink wine, I would always drink as if it's a normal beverage.

00:38:47.000 It's the best!

00:38:48.000 That's the best way to get drunk.

00:38:50.000 When we were doing trip flip on the road, the last season, I was going through like a box of wine a night.

00:38:58.000 I was like, oh my god.

00:38:59.000 Brian, wait, hold on, Brian.

00:39:01.000 I didn't know it was two bottles.

00:39:02.000 I thought it was one.

00:39:04.000 Do we have any wine, young Jamie?

00:39:05.000 I thought it was one.

00:39:07.000 Do we?

00:39:07.000 See if we have any wine, young Jamie.

00:39:09.000 I was going through a box of wine a night, and I told my buddy Paul, I go, man, I gotta be honest with you.

00:39:15.000 A box of wine a night, I think that's my limit.

00:39:17.000 I'm going to try to stay under that and I'll be healthy.

00:39:20.000 And he goes, it's still a lot of wine.

00:39:21.000 I go, yeah, like on paper.

00:39:23.000 And he goes, two bottles is a lot.

00:39:24.000 I go, these are two bottles.

00:39:26.000 Actually, I think it's more than two bottles for a box of wine.

00:39:29.000 I think it's like six or something. 0.99

00:39:30.000 Wait a fucking minute. 0.99

00:39:32.000 You really just said a box of wine a night is not that much. 0.99

00:39:36.000 I was under the impression it was one bottle of wine, so I'm sitting there going like...

00:39:40.000 But even a bottle of wine by yourself?

00:39:42.000 You don't think that's a lot of alcohol?

00:39:43.000 And it's not a bottle of wine.

00:39:46.000 I've had this conversation with Dr. Drew.

00:39:47.000 I don't see a bottle of wine as a lot of alcohol personally.

00:39:51.000 I've had this conversation with Dr. Drew. 0.99

00:39:55.000 Because everyone always says the same thing you're fucking saying. 0.98

00:39:58.000 Why are you prefacing it with that? 0.99

00:40:00.000 I look at wine as a little differently.

00:40:03.000 Oh.

00:40:04.000 Unrealistically.

00:40:04.000 If you said to me, what would you rather have?

00:40:07.000 A 12-pack of beer, a bottle of wine, or a bottle of vodka?

00:40:11.000 I'd go, bottle of wine.

00:40:12.000 It's grown up.

00:40:13.000 You sit back.

00:40:14.000 I like wine.

00:40:15.000 I like the flavor.

00:40:17.000 I like the taste, but I can't imagine if I drank a bottle a day, I wouldn't be freaking out.

00:40:22.000 This is a big conversation to have, man.

00:40:24.000 Like, people get upset if one person expects Other people to be healthy, you know?

00:40:32.000 They get upset.

00:40:33.000 If you try to impose your healthiness on them, like if people are working out and they have a friend that doesn't work out, come on, get to the gym, go to the gym. 0.99

00:40:40.000 People don't want to hear that shit. 0.99

00:40:42.000 They never do. 1.00

00:40:43.000 And it's a fine line you dance when you're on a podcast where you want to talk about fitness and fitness goals you're doing and then give advice to friends, like maybe you should try like this.

00:40:52.000 Because people will get upset.

00:40:53.000 Because we all know that we probably should be eating better. 0.96

00:40:57.000 And we all say, One day I'm gonna really fucking do this. 0.99

00:41:02.000 One day I'm going to start blending vegetables in the morning and stop eating Honey Nut Cheerios with fucking chocolate milk, you know? 0.98

00:41:08.000 Listen, anyone that is a fan of mine right now that listens to my podcast knows exactly what I'm gonna tell you. 0.98

00:41:15.000 Salute, gentlemen.

00:41:17.000 Cheers.

00:41:19.000 By the way, can I tell you, there's two different kinds of boxes of wine, typically.

00:41:24.000 And there's a smaller one and the more normal one, like the Frenzer or whatever it's called.

00:41:28.000 Oh, this is delicious.

00:41:29.000 The smaller one's four bottles.

00:41:32.000 The smaller one's four bottles of wine.

00:41:34.000 What?

00:41:34.000 The typical box of wine is six and two-thirds bottles.

00:41:38.000 Jesus Christ.

00:41:38.000 I was on the road.

00:41:39.000 I was in Africa.

00:41:40.000 I don't know what it was.

00:41:41.000 I was on the road.

00:41:42.000 You were drinking four bottles of wine at night.

00:41:44.000 No, I wasn't drinking four bottles. 0.97

00:41:45.000 You're like a pirate.

00:41:46.000 The other thing I'll say is that I drink, usually when I have my bottle of wine, I have it on the treadmill. 1.00

00:41:51.000 What the fuck did you just say? 1.00

00:41:53.000 You drink a bottle of wine while you're on the treadmill? 1.00

00:41:56.000 Yeah.

00:41:56.000 Alright, Bert, you need to go to someone.

00:41:58.000 No, listen. 1.00

00:42:00.000 You can't drink wine on the fucking treadmill. 1.00

00:42:02.000 Why not? 1.00

00:42:04.000 Do you smoke pot and go to jujitsu?

00:42:05.000 That is a totally different thing. 1.00

00:42:07.000 Bullshit! 1.00

00:42:08.000 What do you mean bullshit? 1.00

00:42:09.000 Why are you saying bullshit? 0.99

00:42:10.000 How is that so different? 1.00

00:42:10.000 First of all, it's not alcohol. 1.00

00:42:12.000 Alcohol is bad for your body.

00:42:14.000 Marijuana is not bad for your body.

00:42:16.000 In fact, it's an anti-inflammatory.

00:42:18.000 But it's cardio.

00:42:18.000 You're smoking and then working out.

00:42:20.000 It doesn't have any effect on your cardio.

00:42:21.000 In fact, it probably has a positive benefit.

00:42:23.000 In fact, ultramarathon runners smoke pot.

00:42:25.000 They smoke pot and eat pot, and there's been studies that have been done recently.

00:42:28.000 There's Bert.

00:42:29.000 Oh my god!

00:42:30.000 Drinking a beer.

00:42:30.000 Really?

00:42:31.000 On a treadmill. 0.99

00:42:32.000 How did you fucking find that? 0.99

00:42:33.000 And by the way, beer, not a bad thing to drink after you work out. 0.99

00:42:36.000 A beer, it replenishes the body with glycogen, according to some people, because the alcohol and the hops.

00:42:43.000 Some people say that after a nice workout, a beer is not a bad thing to have.

00:42:47.000 Lance Armstrong said that on your podcast.

00:42:49.000 Did he?

00:42:49.000 Yeah.

00:42:50.000 They used to drink beer.

00:42:52.000 That was their steroid back in the 20s.

00:42:54.000 The Tour de France.

00:42:54.000 For the Tour de France.

00:42:55.000 Wine, too. 0.98

00:42:56.000 They used to get fucked up because they were sore and in pain all the time. 0.99

00:42:59.000 No, it would lower your blood. 0.98

00:43:01.000 It would thin your blood out so you could...

00:43:03.000 It was like the dopamine.

00:43:04.000 It was the same thing as doping.

00:43:05.000 Theoretically, it was low-grade doping.

00:43:06.000 If I'm not mistaken, because I was really fascinated...

00:43:08.000 You don't want to thin your blood out, dude.

00:43:09.000 You want to do the opposite.

00:43:10.000 You want to thicken it.

00:43:11.000 Yeah, maybe I was wrong.

00:43:13.000 Yeah, you definitely don't want to thin your blood out.

00:43:16.000 Like, you don't want to be dehydrated.

00:43:18.000 You want to be extra hydrated.

00:43:19.000 It's like the opposite.

00:43:20.000 For me, it was a way to relax at the end of the night, watch some TV, get on my treadmill, listen to a podcast, put on YouTube, and get on the treadmill and just kind of walk at a four and have a bottle of wine.

00:43:31.000 Well, listen, it's way better than not walking on the treadmill and just drinking the bottle of wine.

00:43:35.000 Okay, then we can agree to disagree.

00:43:37.000 Yeah, I mean, I think it's way better than not doing the treadmill, for sure, but that's a lot of wine.

00:43:44.000 I'm not drinking it every single night.

00:43:45.000 How many nights a week?

00:43:46.000 Five?

00:43:47.000 This feels like an intervention.

00:43:49.000 But honestly, how many nights a week?

00:43:50.000 Did I drink wine?

00:43:51.000 Yeah.

00:43:52.000 Well, right now is bad because I'm on the road, so it would just be Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

00:43:59.000 Those nights, you drink several bottles of wine?

00:44:00.000 No, no, no, but I'm doing stand-up, so I go on the stage, I have a cocktail.

00:44:05.000 It's I'm not as dialed in as like it's I'm never gonna be able to just tell you I have one bottle.

00:44:10.000 I'm not like a housewife.

00:44:11.000 I might have one bottle of wine a night Like I'm on the road all the time.

00:44:14.000 So like I'll drink on the road sometimes and when I'm home I don't drink But I was like I didn't drink like oh I drank a little bit last night, but it just seems like a stunning number Four bottles of wine a night, if that's the same size box as he's talking about.

00:44:28.000 Yeah, and your blood sugar must be out of control from all that wine.

00:44:31.000 Blood sugar is probably a little out of sync because I noticed that if I have a cup of coffee the next morning, I start firing real hot, almost like manic.

00:44:44.000 You write really good when your blood sugar is spiking.

00:44:46.000 Really?

00:44:47.000 I do.

00:44:50.000 Can we just talk about Stanhope?

00:44:52.000 We can talk about anything, man.

00:44:54.000 We can talk about anything, but the fact that it makes you uncomfortable talking about your wine consumption.

00:45:00.000 I'm sweating right now!

00:45:01.000 Yes!

00:45:02.000 I don't know.

00:45:03.000 We love you.

00:45:03.000 We want you to be healthy.

00:45:04.000 Dude, I've lost a ton of weight.

00:45:06.000 My blood pressure's great.

00:45:07.000 I'm doing a lot better than I was doing.

00:45:09.000 So, like, I'm on the right path.

00:45:11.000 Do you think that doing this Travel Channel show where you're constantly on the road all the time makes it worse?

00:45:16.000 Yeah.

00:45:17.000 Yeah.

00:45:17.000 I would think it would because you don't really like flying either, so you like to get liquored up before flights.

00:45:22.000 Yeah.

00:45:23.000 Yeah.

00:45:23.000 And so those flights to Vietnam were pretty tough.

00:45:27.000 I wish there was a guy that could eat pills, but I'm not that guy.

00:45:31.000 I heard Vietnam is awesome.

00:45:32.000 That's Anthony Bourdain's favorite place to visit.

00:45:34.000 Amazing.

00:45:35.000 Yeah.

00:45:36.000 And I'll say this to anyone listening. 0.99

00:45:39.000 If you got 13 friends and you guys want to have an amazing fucking week of your life... 0.99

00:45:45.000 Take coach seats to Vietnam, cheap, and just go to Halong Bay, get a junk boat, and just go around. 0.98

00:45:53.000 It's super inexpensive to be on a junk boat, and they're beautiful.

00:45:56.000 They're fully captained and staffed.

00:45:59.000 You have your own chef.

00:46:00.000 What?

00:46:01.000 They should change the name of junk boat if it's that nice.

00:46:03.000 I know.

00:46:04.000 I thought you were talking about a raft.

00:46:06.000 Just type in Vietnamese junk boat, and you'll see they're gorgeous. 0.97

00:46:09.000 They're gorgeous.

00:46:10.000 All teak.

00:46:12.000 Like, they sleep 13, and it was $800 a night.

00:46:15.000 How many expats are there?

00:46:17.000 A few.

00:46:19.000 A bunch, I would say.

00:46:20.000 Do you think you could do a show?

00:46:22.000 A stand-up show?

00:46:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:46:23.000 100%.

00:46:24.000 That's a junk boat. 1.00

00:46:25.000 Dude, that's like a pirate ship.

00:46:27.000 It's like some crazy Game of Thrones ship.

00:46:29.000 800 bucks a night.

00:46:30.000 And that's how long bay that he's in right there.

00:46:32.000 Wait a minute.

00:46:33.000 That's 800 bucks a night for everyone on board?

00:46:36.000 Nope.

00:46:36.000 Just one.

00:46:37.000 Just for everyone.

00:46:38.000 Stars slept 13. It was $800 a night.

00:46:41.000 For 13 people, it's 800 bucks combined?

00:46:43.000 Yep.

00:46:43.000 That's insane.

00:46:45.000 Joe, that includes food and all crew.

00:46:48.000 How safe is it?

00:46:49.000 100% safe.

00:46:49.000 It's a bay.

00:46:50.000 You're not going...

00:46:52.000 It's just all cliffs and mountains.

00:46:54.000 It's really gorgeous.

00:46:55.000 Wow.

00:46:55.000 And what is crime like in Vietnam?

00:46:57.000 It's up there.

00:46:58.000 You don't go out late at night.

00:47:01.000 The thing about Vietnam that I witnessed or I experienced was that if you get in a fight with one Vietnamese dude, 100 Vietnamese guys are jumping on top of you. 0.97

00:47:12.000 Who got in a fight?

00:47:14.000 One of the expats that was running one of the things we did, he said, I was like, I wanted to go get these egg sandwiches.

00:47:19.000 They have these great egg sandwiches.

00:47:21.000 They're the most amazing egg sandwiches I've ever had.

00:47:23.000 And I was like, I'm going to go run out.

00:47:25.000 I'm going to get 10 of them.

00:47:25.000 And he goes, well, bring someone with you.

00:47:27.000 Well, because they're like 50 cents each, and the lady makes them on like a hot dog cart. 1.00

00:47:32.000 Dude, they're the best.

00:47:33.000 And I had my whole crew with me, so I was getting them for everyone.

00:47:35.000 Oh, okay.

00:47:36.000 What was in them?

00:47:37.000 Egg, shredded pork, and I don't think cheese. 0.98

00:47:41.000 No cheese, because Vietnamese don't really fuck around with cheese. 0.99

00:47:44.000 Really? 0.98

00:47:45.000 Yeah, I don't think there was cheese.

00:47:46.000 But the eggs were cooked perfectly, and the bread was so soft and flaky.

00:47:51.000 And it was hollowed out in the center.

00:47:52.000 So when the egg fell apart, all it did was just kind of melt into the bread.

00:47:56.000 So you had like, it was just the best sandwich I've ever had in my life.

00:48:00.000 I think they're called bong ma. 0.99

00:48:01.000 And I went out to go get 10. And the guy goes, bring someone with you.

00:48:05.000 And I was like, oh, I'm just going to go right across the street.

00:48:07.000 And he's like, it doesn't matter.

00:48:08.000 Say if you get into some altercation because you're cutting someone in front of someone in traffic.

00:48:11.000 Like the big thing with traffic there is you don't run across the street.

00:48:16.000 You walk.

00:48:16.000 Even if they're coming at you, you walk so they can avoid you.

00:48:19.000 You never change your pace.

00:48:20.000 Because if you change your pace, that's how they hit you.

00:48:23.000 Oh, Christ.

00:48:24.000 Wow.

00:48:24.000 Yeah, and he's like, and if you do that, and you get a fight, you literally have 50 Vietnamese guys on you.

00:48:29.000 And he was like, and it happens, and it happened to me.

00:48:31.000 Like, two weeks ago, I got in a fight with one guy, and just, I mean, everyone, like, store owners were dropping their aprons and jumping on this guy, he said.

00:48:38.000 Whoa.

00:48:38.000 So, yeah, but I don't think it's crime-ridden, but it's not.

00:48:42.000 It's not fucking Montana. 0.97

00:48:45.000 It's amazing how quickly they forgave Americans. 0.99

00:48:49.000 They sort of just like...

00:48:50.000 They probably didn't forgive Americans. 0.63

00:48:52.000 I don't know.

00:48:52.000 I mean, I don't think it's like Japanese.

00:48:54.000 Like, I think the older Japanese folks apparently just are still pretty pissed off. 1.00

00:49:00.000 The ones that were alive when they dropped the bombs.

00:49:03.000 Yeah.

00:49:04.000 Yeah.

00:49:04.000 I can see that.

00:49:05.000 I can see that.

00:49:06.000 That's fairly reasonable.

00:49:11.000 Japanese, it's a very fascinating culture because they're openly nationalistic. 1.00

00:49:19.000 You could say it's racist, but it's openly nationalistic.

00:49:23.000 They just like no white people. 0.97

00:49:25.000 They'll have bars, just no white people. 0.99

00:49:27.000 You can't come in.

00:49:28.000 Could you imagine if someone tried to do that in America, you had to say no foreigners?

00:49:33.000 Is that the Donald Trump America?

00:49:35.000 They put up a no foreigners sign in front of certain establishments, and someone will argue that they have the right to do that? 0.99

00:49:43.000 There's a drinking club on...

00:49:47.000 I want to say it's like called the Soho Room or something.

00:49:49.000 It's on Sunset down near the Argyle, what used to be the Argyle.

00:49:53.000 It's like a drinking club.

00:49:54.000 And they were like, hey, we're setting a meeting, a general meeting with this writer for you.

00:49:58.000 And I was like, oh, cool.

00:49:59.000 And they're like, you got to be a member.

00:50:00.000 He's a member.

00:50:01.000 And then he'll let you in, but it's members only.

00:50:04.000 And I was like, oh, cool.

00:50:05.000 And I rolled up and my manager, Judy, was there. 0.67

00:50:08.000 And I go, what are you doing here?

00:50:09.000 She was like, I'm in the meeting.

00:50:10.000 I was like, oh, they let women in here? 1.00

00:50:13.000 Because I just assumed it was this, like, old men's only club. 0.99

00:50:16.000 She's like, what fucking world have you been living in that you're shocked that they let women in? 0.98

00:50:20.000 I was like, in my head, I was like, well, this place doesn't seem as cool anymore. 1.00

00:50:24.000 Yeah, you shouldn't let them in.

00:50:27.000 There's no place where they don't let women. 1.00

00:50:29.000 There's places where you don't let men. 0.97

00:50:30.000 Those curves places? 0.99

00:50:32.000 Those places where the older ladies like to work out, I guess? 1.00

00:50:35.000 What is it?

00:50:36.000 It's overweight people, right?

00:50:37.000 Yeah.

00:50:38.000 Or is it overweight people or all women?

00:50:39.000 I think it's just all women. 0.99

00:50:42.000 Am I getting the right name?

00:50:44.000 Because there's places that are just all women gyms. 1.00

00:50:47.000 Is that what it's called?

00:50:47.000 That's one of them, yes.

00:50:48.000 So you couldn't go there?

00:50:50.000 No. 0.97

00:50:50.000 But you could never have a dick swingers club with only men? 0.97

00:50:55.000 Could you have an all-men gym? 0.99

00:50:56.000 No.

00:50:57.000 No one would ever let you.

00:50:58.000 I think you could probably do that.

00:50:59.000 I don't think you could.

00:51:00.000 And I think the argument would be, the argument they would make, I'm not saying it's right, would be that women get sexually harassed and ogled at a regular gym and they get uncomfortable and they don't want to have to deal with men.

00:51:13.000 They just want to work out.

00:51:15.000 They could probably, at a bar, have it called No Broads or whatever and just have the line that most bars have where they're like, uh, no, we're only letting the women in tonight, you know? 1.00

00:51:24.000 You're saying only let them in?

00:51:26.000 Only let them in.

00:51:26.000 They could probably easily do that.

00:51:27.000 I don't think it's against the law.

00:51:29.000 I wonder.

00:51:30.000 Gloria, all right.

00:51:32.000 Oh, leave it over here, Brian.

00:51:33.000 I'll drink it. 1.00

00:51:34.000 Gloria Allwright would fucking come after you. 1.00

00:51:36.000 Or one of those... 0.99

00:51:37.000 Yeah, they can't...

00:51:39.000 They don't have anything like that.

00:51:40.000 But I grew up in a...

00:51:42.000 I feel like I grew up in a time when you'd go to the men's locker room where the bar was, where all the men would play cards as a kid at, like, country clubs, and you'd walk in and you'd be like, one day.

00:51:52.000 And then sadly, that was all taken away before I could ever get there.

00:51:55.000 Yeah, there's no real place like a bachelor's club.

00:51:58.000 You know, that's what pool halls used to be. 0.93

00:52:00.000 Yeah.

00:52:01.000 Pool halls was like, what pool halls were at the turn of the century in New York City was like, and a lot of places in the country, were these places where young men who didn't want a family, They wanted a bachelor life.

00:52:15.000 They didn't want to have a 9.5 job, you know, some square life.

00:52:19.000 They wanted to have action, and they wanted to gamble, and they wanted to drink, and they wanted to stay together and just be men.

00:52:25.000 And they would go to pool halls, and they would gamble.

00:52:28.000 And pool halls were almost entirely, they almost entirely revolved around gambling, which is like a little known secret.

00:52:35.000 Like the game is called billiard, pocket billiards, but it's called pool because you pool all your money together for a bet.

00:52:42.000 That's the original name.

00:52:44.000 That's the definition of the name pool.

00:52:46.000 Really?

00:52:47.000 Yeah.

00:52:47.000 So at the turn of the century in New York City, there was something like a thousand pool halls.

00:52:51.000 And there was all these guys that just didn't want to do it.

00:52:54.000 They didn't want to get married.

00:52:55.000 They didn't want a 9-5 job. 0.80

00:52:57.000 They wanted to live the bachelor life.

00:52:59.000 And today, that's like disgraced. 1.00

00:53:02.000 If you want to be a bachelor, if you want to be a 50-year-old guy and live by yourself and you never had kids and you don't have a regular job and you used to hang out in a pool hall all the time, you're a fucking loser. 1.00

00:53:11.000 It's amazing. 0.99

00:53:12.000 But you could have the same amount of money, have a wife that you don't really like being around, be trapped in some weird job, and people think you're a winner.

00:53:23.000 You'd have the same amount of money.

00:53:24.000 We have standards.

00:53:26.000 And one of the standards is a bunch of men that don't want to be a part of society.

00:53:30.000 You don't want to have a 9-to-5 job.

00:53:32.000 You better be some outdoor dude.

00:53:34.000 You better be some camper or something.

00:53:36.000 If you want to get by in normal conversation with people and tell them that you're not married and you don't have a 9-to-5 job and you don't really care for that, but you're 49 years old.

00:53:48.000 You better have some reason.

00:53:49.000 He's really eccentric.

00:53:50.000 He writes poetry in the woods. 0.99

00:53:52.000 You have to have fucking something that you do that people consider a noble quest. 0.98

00:53:57.000 If you're like, ah, you know what I like to do? 1.00

00:53:58.000 I like smoking cigarettes.

00:53:59.000 I like drinking whiskey.

00:54:00.000 I like being around my friends. 0.98

00:54:01.000 Sometimes when I say I open up money, I get a hooker. 1.00

00:54:04.000 People are like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:54:06.000 They'll get angry at you. 1.00

00:54:08.000 He'll get angry. 1.00

00:54:09.000 Fucking loser. 1.00

00:54:09.000 Look at this fucking loser. 1.00

00:54:10.000 You want to be like this loser? 1.00

00:54:11.000 He doesn't have a family. 1.00

00:54:13.000 Sleeps till whenever he wants.

00:54:15.000 Hangs out with a bunch of guys and laughs all night. 1.00

00:54:17.000 Fucking loser. 1.00

00:54:18.000 I remember hearing someone right before I fell in love with my wife. 1.00

00:54:21.000 I remember seeing someone at the improv going, man, you don't want to be the old guy at the bar. 1.00

00:54:26.000 And I went, I was like, oh fuck. 0.99

00:54:29.000 I was hanging out with Ron White the other night. 1.00

00:54:30.000 It was great.

00:54:31.000 Yeah.

00:54:31.000 The old guy at the bar was awesome.

00:54:33.000 Yes.

00:54:35.000 We had a couple of drinks.

00:54:36.000 We had some laughs.

00:54:37.000 What are you pulling up, Jamie?

00:54:38.000 What's going on?

00:54:39.000 Some breaking news?

00:54:40.000 No, it was like a male club.

00:54:42.000 What about like an Elks Lodge or Knights of Columbus?

00:54:44.000 Do they even exist?

00:54:45.000 Yeah, they do.

00:54:46.000 I got an offer to be in one of those one time.

00:54:48.000 Yeah, but I mean, is it all guys?

00:54:50.000 Kiwanis.

00:54:51.000 This is like an Aladdin Shriners. 0.97

00:54:54.000 They're called a fraternal group, so I mean fraternal means...

00:54:56.000 Looking at that picture, I could tell how it smells in that room.

00:55:01.000 You know what I mean?

00:55:02.000 Like old dudes farting. 0.99

00:55:03.000 It would almost be fun to hang out with those old guys and just hear them all drop n-bombs nonstop. 1.00

00:55:10.000 Look at the fucking hats. 1.00

00:55:11.000 Can't we just agree when you become 60 years old, you don't want to wear that stupid hat? 1.00

00:55:15.000 They're wearing a hat like a monkey that's begging for change. 1.00

00:55:18.000 A little monkey with a grinding box.

00:55:21.000 You know how they have the hat with the tassel?

00:55:24.000 Those little monkeys? 0.99

00:55:25.000 They always do that, right?

00:55:27.000 Whatever happened to the Friars Club?

00:55:29.000 Well, it was a big thing in New York, and it's a big thing with guys who loves it.

00:55:33.000 It's like Jeff Ross loves it.

00:55:34.000 I never got it.

00:55:36.000 Fitzsimmons used to like it in New York.

00:55:38.000 They used to go there and play pool.

00:55:39.000 It would be cool if they had a legit pool, you could play poker, know that there was a Thursday night poker game you could go to.

00:55:47.000 That was a lot of the same thing in a lot of ways, is guys looking to hang out with other guys.

00:55:53.000 There's a certain amount of society that just demasculates you.

00:55:58.000 And having a regular job where you have to, you know, and it's just... 0.97

00:56:03.000 When you have to wear a fucking tie and a suit, you're right away, you're doing something you don't want to do. 0.97

00:56:08.000 You're dressing in a way that you would never dress if you were just left to your own devices, right? 0.99

00:56:12.000 You got a tie and a suit and a fucking one of those pocket scarf things and you have to go to work and you can't swear. 0.98

00:56:18.000 And you're there all day and your feet hurt because you've got a wooden heel. 1.00

00:56:22.000 Walking around with a wooden heel and a fucking hard leather sole like a stupid shoe that you have to wear and you got a tie clip and you're fucking you have to bullshit on the phone and you have to Pretend to be someone that you're not all day long that like when you have to pretend To not be a guy who likes pussy or not be a guy who likes to party or swear or you you have to like neuter yourself in a lot of ways and in doing so over long periods of time Especially when you're rewarded for that you're 1.00

00:56:52.000 rewarded for it at work or your exemplary conduct You know, he's got a great bedside manner. 0.97

00:56:57.000 He's got he's got a wonderful office manners Yeah, you know you you fucking slow it slowly start to chip away at you and You start to slowly become something that you're not really. 0.92

00:57:09.000 And you don't get a chance to express yourself.

00:57:11.000 And you get a few hours at the end of the day to have a couple of drinks and go to sleep and do it all over again.

00:57:17.000 And your reset period that you get over the weekend, it's not enough.

00:57:21.000 Not enough time. 0.98

00:57:22.000 You know, if you had a year to be yourself again and just be around your friends, and you guys could just behave and think the way you really feel, laugh at shit you actually think is funny, fuck around with each other... 0.98

00:57:32.000 That's being a comic. 0.98

00:57:33.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:57:34.000 Dude, I'll never forget...

00:57:36.000 I'll never forget... 1.00

00:57:37.000 Me, you, and Al, and we're sitting together talking about someone, and you're like, I can get that guy to suck my dick. 1.00

00:57:43.000 And me, you, and Al laughed so fucking hard, and I just thought to myself, I thought, no one lives in that world that we live in that we're all a little fucking toasty, and you're like, I can get that guy to suck my dick. 1.00

00:57:59.000 Can you imagine saying that? 1.00

00:58:01.000 Why was I saying that?

00:58:02.000 What was the guy doing?

00:58:03.000 Who was the guy?

00:58:04.000 Do you remember?

00:58:05.000 Yeah.

00:58:06.000 Okay, we'll talk later.

00:58:06.000 Yeah.

00:58:07.000 I don't remember what it was.

00:58:08.000 But I love being able to say something totally retarded like that to my friends. 0.99

00:58:13.000 Because you, like, when, like, Joey will say, like, the most fucked, like, he'll say fucked up shit on stage, but he'll pull you aside. 1.00

00:58:20.000 He'll pull you aside and say some unbelievably fucked up shit that makes you laugh. 1.00

00:58:26.000 That was one of the things that he was doing while that fucking whole Caparulo thing was going on. 1.00

00:58:30.000 I'm gonna have you and your cunt wife both suck my dick. 1.00

00:58:33.000 Jesus. 1.00

00:58:37.000 It's so dark.

00:58:39.000 It's so crazy!

00:58:43.000 Are those still up?

00:58:45.000 Are all those tweets still up?

00:58:47.000 I don't know.

00:58:47.000 Those are some of my favorite calls when Bunz calls me.

00:58:51.000 Tommy calls me and he's like, have you been following Joey's Twitter thread?

00:58:59.000 And you literally are cleaning the sleep out of your eyes like, hold on, let me get in front of my computer.

00:59:03.000 What's going on? 0.99

00:59:05.000 Fucking Tommy and I, Tommy, that's one of our biggest, because, you know, we started together, doing the road together, and one of the favorite things, when you sit in the green room with a guy, it's just kind of bullshit. 0.99

00:59:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:59:15.000 I can bullshit with that guy. 0.99

00:59:17.000 Forever. 1.00

00:59:18.000 Forever.

00:59:19.000 He's the best.

00:59:19.000 He really is the best.

00:59:21.000 He's such a sweetie.

00:59:22.000 He's such a great guy.

00:59:23.000 He's tall.

00:59:24.000 As is his wife.

00:59:25.000 She's awesome, man.

00:59:27.000 I might argue that she's funnier than him. 0.98

00:59:29.000 Well, he's fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:59:32.000 He's funny in a way that I... But he's like Joey. 0.99

00:59:37.000 Because I remember watching Tom when he just...

00:59:39.000 Tom's hearing this, so I know you know I love you to death, Tommy.

00:59:42.000 But there was a time where Tom, and he'll admit this, that he was trying to figure out how to do it like a tell.

00:59:48.000 And he would just be like, like his pacing was off. 0.99

00:59:50.000 And then all of a sudden, something switched on him, and he's telling stories where I can't find out, I don't see the setup punch, but I'm howling, fuck, Tommy! 1.00

01:00:00.000 Just fucking howling, laughing at him. 0.99

01:00:02.000 And I'm like, fucking, he is dialed in. 1.00

01:00:05.000 He is in the sweet spot of his writing right now. 0.99

01:00:08.000 Yeah, he's awesome. 0.97

01:00:08.000 What I was going to say was, he's really fucking funny, but I know what you're saying, because she's really fucking funny too. 0.97

01:00:14.000 She's hilarious. 0.94

01:00:16.000 And they have a kid now, which is going to be really interesting.

01:00:19.000 Because once you have a kid, you have a solid 20 minutes new material.

01:00:22.000 It's just a matter of covering over the same ground that everybody else covers over when you have a kid.

01:00:27.000 You have to kind of comb through your material and make sure none of it has been done before.

01:00:32.000 This dude, that's really hard.

01:00:34.000 It's hard with really common shared experiences that are transformative, like having a kid or something happen to you.

01:00:41.000 Guys who have cancer, a lot of times they have similar material about getting cancer.

01:00:45.000 I remember Schimmel had a bunch of cancer bits after he got back from cancer.

01:00:50.000 Airplanes. 0.88

01:00:51.000 Those bits have been beaten down so much that you almost have to have something fucking catastrophic happen on a plane for you to do a joke about being on a plane.

01:01:01.000 It's like that subject matter, like people's eyes sort of glaze over if you go over that.

01:01:07.000 Because they've heard plane jokes and travel jokes.

01:01:10.000 Because comedians talk about what they do.

01:01:12.000 And if you only travel all the time, you're doing shows and then traveling.

01:01:16.000 So like this show, no one's going to be able to relate to that.

01:01:19.000 Like, you're doing something weird.

01:01:20.000 You're talking, everybody listens, people pay for that. 0.99

01:01:23.000 What the fuck kind of job is that? 0.99

01:01:24.000 That's just weird for people to relate to. 1.00

01:01:26.000 And that's, for you, that's your job, but your job is also to live.

01:01:31.000 Because you have to have things to talk about when you get up there.

01:01:35.000 Your job is to hashtag be curious.

01:01:38.000 You know, which is why I was saying to you, it's kind of crazy that you have this insane life.

01:01:42.000 Like, your life is one of the more fascinating lives of all my friends.

01:01:47.000 Because you travel everywhere. 0.98

01:01:49.000 I fucking called him up one day. 0.99

01:01:50.000 I go, what are you doing, man? 0.99

01:01:51.000 He's like, I'm on a moped in Vietnam! 1.00

01:01:54.000 Like, who the fuck can you call and they're on a moped in Vietnam? 1.00

01:01:59.000 Like, that's, your life is crazy. 1.00

01:02:01.000 It's crazy in that way.

01:02:02.000 You know, it's talking about it on stage.

01:02:05.000 You're going to have so much material, man. 0.96

01:02:08.000 Once you, if you stop doing that show, if you decide, and then, you know, you do this hour, and then you go to make your next hour, and you start talking about just the crazy shit you've done, oh my god, you have so much time.

01:02:20.000 I mean, I literally, right now, I'm looking at this hour, and I'm chunking it out. 0.77

01:02:23.000 And, you know, my youngest daughter is a very interesting child.

01:02:26.000 So, like, I've got a whole chunk about her.

01:02:28.000 I've got a middle chunk I'm on the fence about.

01:02:31.000 But it's just, it's fun stuff.

01:02:33.000 It's good. 0.85

01:02:34.000 But then I just literally break to like, I fought a bear, I got involved with the Russian Mafia, and I'm like, just get rid of this chunk so I can go, I drank goat's blood with a Maasai chief, I fucking had my first open water dive at 90 feet, I fucking jumped off the tallest stratosphere, 0.99

01:02:49.000 I jumped off the, like, I literally am like ready to get this hour out so I can just start writing, but that's the, and that's, I think, maybe I'm lucky right now because I go, I'm ready to go on the road and figure the hour out.

01:03:01.000 I don't need to murder.

01:03:03.000 I need to figure it out.

01:03:04.000 Well, the way to do that is, I think, is doing these little short sets around town, too. 0.91

01:03:11.000 Where you just go up and say, for the next 15 minutes, I'm going to talk about drinking blood with the Maasai chief, and we'll fucking see what we can get out of this. 0.94

01:03:17.000 Just put it on your phone. 0.82

01:03:18.000 I just, this last weekend, a long time ago, I told you a story in passing.

01:03:23.000 And this is how weird the podcasts are.

01:03:26.000 I told you a story in passing that was a funny story for me and you to talk about.

01:03:31.000 And everyone loved it, and they've always chanted it out on my shows.

01:03:33.000 I've never been able to tell it.

01:03:34.000 It's a story about flying dildos, going to the show.

01:03:38.000 And it never worked.

01:03:39.000 And I tried it on stage, people would go do it, and I'd be like, I'll do it, but it's not going to work.

01:03:43.000 Because it's a good room for us. 0.98

01:03:45.000 But I, this last weekend, someone yelled, just fucking tell it! 0.98

01:03:49.000 And so I told it, and it worked, and I figured out the ending. 0.98

01:03:52.000 That's the best feeling in the world when you're like, okay, now I got my beginning, my middle, and my ending.

01:03:57.000 Now I gotta figure out that middle guts, and I can get through this. 0.99

01:04:00.000 Holy shit! 0.99

01:04:01.000 And then I'm like, alright, let's get, April 1st, let's get this hour done. 1.00

01:04:04.000 I'm ready to fucking write. 1.00

01:04:05.000 Like, I'm ready to, oh, fucking man! 1.00

01:04:08.000 You're very excited. 1.00

01:04:09.000 Your eyes are wide.

01:04:10.000 You're very excited.

01:04:12.000 I'm in stand-up mode, man.

01:04:13.000 Good.

01:04:13.000 Beautiful.

01:04:14.000 Fuck, it's the greatest feeling in the world. 1.00

01:04:15.000 It's the reason you get into this, and then this business takes over somehow and says, No, it doesn't. 1.00

01:04:21.000 You let it.

01:04:22.000 You don't have to let it.

01:04:23.000 Don't let it take over.

01:04:24.000 I need money.

01:04:25.000 You know the feeling.

01:04:26.000 But you make money.

01:04:27.000 I know, but...

01:04:27.000 You make money doing stand-up, too.

01:04:29.000 Yeah, but I wasn't making money doing stand-up the way I'm making it now six years ago.

01:04:34.000 What about podcasts?

01:04:36.000 Do you have good ads on your podcasts?

01:04:37.000 Yeah, I make good money on my podcast.

01:04:39.000 I wouldn't say I make what you or Corolla make at all, but good money.

01:04:44.000 Definitely good money.

01:04:45.000 Enough to pay for maybe a couple cars.

01:04:49.000 Okay.

01:04:50.000 Like, I'm trying to guess.

01:04:52.000 I don't know what, I don't know, like...

01:04:53.000 That's very specific.

01:04:55.000 That was actually very specific.

01:04:57.000 A couple of domestic cars, fully loaded.

01:05:01.000 Satellite radio.

01:05:02.000 Expedition and a BMW, you know, whatever.

01:05:05.000 So tell me about your Stanhope trip.

01:05:08.000 It was the best decision I ever made in my grown-up life.

01:05:10.000 Yeah?

01:05:11.000 Yep.

01:05:11.000 What'd you do?

01:05:12.000 I just...

01:05:13.000 What'd you decide?

01:05:14.000 I'd said on a podcast with you, I'd said I wanted to go out there for the Super Bowl, and it didn't work out because I did a podcast with Kroll on Monday, and I wouldn't be able to make it back.

01:05:22.000 And I felt bad.

01:05:23.000 I felt like I didn't get...

01:05:24.000 I was like...

01:05:24.000 Because I really love Doug.

01:05:26.000 I think he's one of the sweetest guys around.

01:05:28.000 So I just called him up one day.

01:05:29.000 I go, hey, you mind if I come out just to hang out for a day and party? 0.99

01:05:33.000 And he was like, I'm fucking here. 0.99

01:05:35.000 Do it. 1.00

01:05:35.000 So I just tagged it onto one of my trips. 1.00

01:05:38.000 And I've been doing like, not theater, but like a single club, then weekend, then single club.

01:05:44.000 And I just canceled the single club and flew out to Doug's.

01:05:47.000 Chaley picked me up at the airport, rolled in.

01:05:49.000 Everyone's in the funhouse drinking.

01:05:51.000 Bingo's in there. 0.99

01:05:51.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.99

01:05:53.000 I think we podcasted for six hours. 0.99

01:05:55.000 Whoa.

01:05:56.000 Nonstop.

01:05:57.000 Nonstop, unedited. 0.99

01:05:59.000 I'm telling you when I say my opus of podcasting is just me and Doug talking shit about everybody. 0.99

01:06:05.000 Just fucking tearing apart art, tearing apart good comedy, tearing apart life. 0.98

01:06:09.000 His buddy Chad Shanks there. 0.98

01:06:11.000 Chad Shanks hilarious.

01:06:12.000 Doug's podcast is one of my favorite ones to listen to because it is a real, authentic extension of his personality.

01:06:20.000 Yeah.

01:06:21.000 The same way this is for you, that is what you do.

01:06:23.000 When I first started listening to this podcast, I go, this is what Joe does. 0.98

01:06:26.000 He gets online at the end of the night, smokes a joint, and just researches his most important shit, most crazy, insane shit, and now he's just telling us about it. 0.99

01:06:33.000 Oh, this is fucking amazing. 0.99

01:06:34.000 Oh, now he's bringing the people that he finds online, he's bringing them in and having a conversation with them? 0.99

01:06:37.000 This is great.

01:06:38.000 This is Doug.

01:06:39.000 Just start drinking a four. 1.00

01:06:42.000 Fucking vodkas with a bartender in his fun. 0.99

01:06:44.000 Have you ever been out to his compound? 1.00

01:06:45.000 Nope. 0.99

01:06:46.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.97

01:06:48.000 How far is it from the airport to drive? 0.99

01:06:50.000 About an hour and a half.

01:06:51.000 And Chaley's his tour manager.

01:06:52.000 How far would it be to drive from L.A.? I think six hours.

01:06:56.000 From here?

01:06:57.000 To his place?

01:06:58.000 Six to eight, I think, yeah.

01:06:59.000 Six to eight.

01:07:00.000 That's not bad.

01:07:01.000 I typed in my address on accident and it gave me directions.

01:07:03.000 It's seven miles from the Mexico border.

01:07:06.000 We roll in.

01:07:06.000 That's crazy.

01:07:08.000 And Doug is literally just...

01:07:09.000 And you know, man, it's like, you know, Doug will say this, but he doesn't get to hang out with comics because he lives in the middle of nowhere.

01:07:15.000 So when he rolled in, he was in his pajamas, never changed out of his pajamas, just smiling ear to ear and smoking a cigarette.

01:07:21.000 And he's like, what can I get you to drink?

01:07:23.000 And literally, off the bat, we start podcasting.

01:07:26.000 Wow.

01:07:26.000 And just catching up.

01:07:28.000 Oh, it's fucking... 0.99

01:07:29.000 This is his fun house. 1.00

01:07:30.000 So what is the fun house?

01:07:32.000 Why does he call it the fun house?

01:07:33.000 So he's got...

01:07:33.000 I think he's got four properties.

01:07:35.000 Four houses on this property.

01:07:37.000 He's got the main house.

01:07:38.000 He's got the...

01:07:40.000 Maybe he has like seven.

01:07:41.000 I don't know.

01:07:41.000 There's a bunch of trailers around that people can live in.

01:07:44.000 And then he's got a guest house that I stayed in.

01:07:46.000 He's got another house that Shaley and his wife Tracy stay in.

01:07:50.000 He just buys houses in the neighborhood?

01:07:51.000 They're like $35,000.

01:07:53.000 What?

01:07:53.000 They're like $35,000.

01:07:54.000 He just keeps buying them when they pop up.

01:07:55.000 You can buy a house for $35,000?

01:07:57.000 Oh, they're in Detroit.

01:07:57.000 You can buy them for five bucks.

01:07:59.000 Yeah, but we're not talking about Detroit.

01:08:00.000 We're talking about Bisbee.

01:08:01.000 He buys them?

01:08:02.000 Just keeps buying them.

01:08:03.000 And he's got corrugated metal fence.

01:08:07.000 Can't see over it.

01:08:08.000 So it's all around.

01:08:09.000 $35,000.

01:08:10.000 Yeah.

01:08:10.000 Detroit you can get it for like $500,000, right?

01:08:12.000 Yeah, but it still biz me in the middle of nowhere.

01:08:14.000 No one wants to move there.

01:08:15.000 It should be cheaper.

01:08:15.000 Yeah, but that's where you're wrong.

01:08:17.000 Let me tell you something.

01:08:17.000 I shot a vlog for this.

01:08:19.000 You know I've been doing my vlogs.

01:08:20.000 Well, I bring my camera out to do my vlog.

01:08:22.000 I like how you say it because nobody else says it.

01:08:24.000 Everybody else will write it, but they don't say it.

01:08:26.000 Oh, really?

01:08:27.000 I never heard anybody say vlog.

01:08:29.000 Am I saying it wrong?

01:08:30.000 No, you're saying it totally right, but it's something that people write.

01:08:33.000 They write down, you know, like vlog for the day.

01:08:37.000 Nobody says it.

01:08:38.000 Oh, I don't know what to call it.

01:08:39.000 It's like a video blog.

01:08:39.000 Right.

01:08:40.000 You ever hear anybody say vlog?

01:08:41.000 Vlog, no.

01:08:41.000 No, Brian is as entrenched in internet culture.

01:08:44.000 I've been calling it a vlog this whole time.

01:08:46.000 I mean, it's probably the right thing to say.

01:08:47.000 I just never, I mean, I've seen it written.

01:08:49.000 I just never heard anybody say it.

01:08:50.000 Yeah.

01:08:51.000 Other than you.

01:08:52.000 Well, he's addicted to vlogs now, I found out.

01:08:54.000 He just knows all of the YouTubers. 0.98

01:08:56.000 But I had Shaley bring me into Bisbee, and I shot B-Roll of Bisbee.

01:09:01.000 It's beautiful.

01:09:02.000 Really beautiful.

01:09:03.000 Right outside Tombstone, where the OKCow Corral is.

01:09:08.000 Went to Tombstone, rolled in, and man, it ended.

01:09:11.000 I have a vlog I'll post it.

01:09:13.000 I have to edit it.

01:09:14.000 There's a cave for sale out there.

01:09:15.000 I met the two people that live in it. 0.85

01:09:17.000 It's a dope house, man.

01:09:19.000 I met the two people that live in it. 0.98

01:09:20.000 They're like hobbit people. 1.00

01:09:21.000 Yeah.

01:09:22.000 They live in a hobbit house. 0.99

01:09:23.000 It's a cave.

01:09:25.000 Yeah, it was amazing.

01:09:26.000 And I told Doug, I said, you need to have more people come out here and do this, because it was so fun, man.

01:09:31.000 It was so fun.

01:09:33.000 Like, we ended up just singing at the end, just partying and singing songs.

01:09:39.000 Singing in the rain. 0.97

01:09:40.000 Oh, it was so fucking great. 0.96

01:09:42.000 And yeah, so that podcast, right now, his girlfriend has gone AWOL, or his wife's gone AWOL. Bingo? 0.88

01:09:49.000 Yeah.

01:09:49.000 She's got AWOL? Yeah.

01:09:51.000 He's talked about it on his podcast, so I'm not sharing.

01:09:53.000 Is this the cave house?

01:09:53.000 Is this the cave house in Bisbee?

01:09:55.000 Look at this.

01:09:55.000 Oh, no.

01:09:56.000 I didn't meet these people then.

01:09:57.000 Oh, hello.

01:09:58.000 I'm Catherine Clark, and this is my home.

01:10:01.000 Look at that gate.

01:10:03.000 Oh.

01:10:04.000 So it's dug into the side of the house.

01:10:06.000 Yeah.

01:10:07.000 Is this the same place?

01:10:08.000 This is in Bisbee, Jamie?

01:10:10.000 Yeah.

01:10:10.000 Wow.

01:10:11.000 Look at that. 1.00

01:10:12.000 It's got a dope fucking little forest behind it and this waterfall and shit. 0.99

01:10:17.000 Yeah, that is not what Doug's compound looks like. 0.99

01:10:19.000 This is awesome.

01:10:21.000 If I moved to Bisbee, I'd buy this.

01:10:23.000 I kept saying to myself, they've got a theater in there that Doug does.

01:10:27.000 This is nuts.

01:10:28.000 Look at this.

01:10:30.000 These people have a...

01:10:31.000 Oh my god!

01:10:32.000 That's gotta be so cold. 1.00

01:10:33.000 Inside this fucking house. 1.00

01:10:35.000 Cold? 1.00

01:10:35.000 I wonder if it's like dusty. 1.00

01:10:36.000 Yeah, right?

01:10:36.000 Why cold?

01:10:37.000 Because you're in a cave.

01:10:38.000 In Mexico.

01:10:38.000 I know, but it's cave.

01:10:40.000 It's rock.

01:10:40.000 It's earth.

01:10:40.000 It's so hot down there.

01:10:41.000 It's the desert.

01:10:42.000 You think that's hot in there?

01:10:43.000 How can it be cold?

01:10:44.000 Yeah.

01:10:45.000 Oh, I think being in a cave would be cold no matter where you are.

01:10:47.000 Cooler, right?

01:10:48.000 Yeah.

01:10:49.000 But still, it's 140 degrees outside.

01:10:51.000 It's not cool in there.

01:10:53.000 It might be if it's like a basement. 0.97

01:10:54.000 That house is fucking badass. 0.94

01:10:56.000 I want to live there, man. 0.97

01:10:57.000 I bet you can get it for $125.

01:10:59.000 I bet you couldn't.

01:11:01.000 I bet that house is at least a million bucks.

01:11:04.000 $1.5 million.

01:11:05.000 Is that what it says?

01:11:06.000 Yeah.

01:11:06.000 Whoa.

01:11:07.000 By the way, I'm looking at $1.5 million these days.

01:11:09.000 It doesn't look like that.

01:11:10.000 Yeah, right?

01:11:12.000 No, 1.5 million gets you in LA, gets you a regular house.

01:11:16.000 Three bedroom, three bath. 0.99

01:11:17.000 Isn't it crazy when we were kids you thought of someone who had a million dollars as being like the most unbelievably rich set for life, and then you hear someone's house cost a million dollars, you're like, holy shit, a million dollars. 0.96

01:11:28.000 And then you look at what a million dollars buys you in LA and you're like, what? 0.88

01:11:32.000 How about what it buys you in New York City?

01:11:35.000 You ever look at that?

01:11:36.000 No.

01:11:36.000 Oh my god.

01:11:38.000 The missus and I looked at fucking apartments in New York City at one point in time. 0.99

01:11:41.000 Just on a whim, man. 0.99

01:11:43.000 I just get these ideas in my head.

01:11:44.000 Like, I don't want to live in the same place forever.

01:11:47.000 I like to move around.

01:11:48.000 And I'm thinking, maybe I should buy an apartment in New York.

01:11:50.000 I'll just try living in New York for a few months.

01:11:54.000 They're like 5 million bucks for like a 1,600 square foot apartment.

01:11:58.000 I was like, this is nuts.

01:12:00.000 That's probably larger than that.

01:12:01.000 I got back from Doug's and went right back with my wife and her best friend.

01:12:06.000 Her husband's movie guy's got money and they were like, let's get a compound. 0.99

01:12:12.000 I want a fucking compound. 0.98

01:12:14.000 Where would you do it though? 1.00

01:12:15.000 I'm being dead serious.

01:12:17.000 I could totally do it in Bisbee.

01:12:18.000 But would you want to do it in Bisbee?

01:12:19.000 I wouldn't want to. 0.99

01:12:20.000 When the shit hits the fan, do you want to be that close to Mexico? 1.00

01:12:24.000 I would like to do it maybe in Montana, Alabama, Georgia. 0.99

01:12:29.000 Montana, now you're talking.

01:12:32.000 Colorado.

01:12:34.000 Colorado.

01:12:37.000 I slow rolled that one.

01:12:39.000 Colorado would be tough, I think, because of the elements. 1.00

01:12:42.000 Oh, don't be a pussy. 1.00

01:12:43.000 It's all white people. 1.00

01:12:44.000 What are you talking about?

01:12:45.000 What elements?

01:12:45.000 You talking about black people?

01:12:46.000 Remember that?

01:12:47.000 Remember that, Brian, in Atlanta? 0.97

01:12:48.000 We were in Atlanta, and we were talking to this racist white girl. 0.99

01:12:51.000 And she was like, well, you don't want to go to that club. 0.99

01:12:55.000 I go, why?

01:12:56.000 She goes, well, you know the elements like to hang out there.

01:12:58.000 Yeah, that's right. 1.00

01:12:59.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:13:00.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:13:02.000 What the fuck did she say? 1.00

01:13:03.000 The elements? 0.99

01:13:04.000 So we looked at each other like, oh, the elements?

01:13:06.000 What does that even mean?

01:13:08.000 But we both kind of knew what she was...

01:13:10.000 I go, explain yourself.

01:13:11.000 What are you saying? 0.62

01:13:12.000 She's like, well, black people. 1.00

01:13:14.000 You know. 1.00

01:13:15.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:13:15.000 The elements. 1.00

01:13:17.000 The elements. 1.00

01:13:18.000 Like fucking earth, wind and fire. 0.99

01:13:23.000 It's so weird when he said elements, too. 0.99

01:13:25.000 I'm like, wait a second.

01:13:26.000 I can't believe you just said that.

01:13:28.000 Remember?

01:13:28.000 Yeah.

01:13:28.000 Remember?

01:13:29.000 That girl was... 1.00

01:13:29.000 Flashback. 1.00

01:13:30.000 She was way out in the open with her racism. 1.00

01:13:32.000 She's like, y'all are white. 0.99

01:13:33.000 Come on.

01:13:34.000 Oh, my God.

01:13:35.000 You know about the elements.

01:13:37.000 Y'all don't want to be around with the elements.

01:13:40.000 Especially when it gets dark out.

01:13:41.000 You can't see it.

01:13:43.000 Go, Trump.

01:13:44.000 Did you watch that video?

01:13:46.000 Yeah, Derf, or what is he?

01:13:48.000 The Daily Show video where it shows that...

01:13:51.000 None of you saw this.

01:13:54.000 No, keep going, but everybody's saying that word, Drumpf.

01:13:57.000 Drumpf.

01:13:57.000 But I didn't know what it meant.

01:13:59.000 It's this guy who's, it's not the Daily Show, but it's the other guy.

01:14:03.000 John Oliver?

01:14:04.000 John Oliver did a breakdown on Donald Trump the other day on his show, and it was one of the most beautiful things ever.

01:14:10.000 It was so perfect.

01:14:11.000 They found out that Trump's real name, like his great-grandfather changed it to Trump, but it was originally Drumpf or whatever it was called.

01:14:21.000 Drumpf?

01:14:21.000 Yeah.

01:14:22.000 Drumpf's not bad.

01:14:23.000 What's wrong with Drumpf?

01:14:24.000 I'm Burt. 1.00

01:14:25.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:14:25.000 Yeah, who gives a fuck? 1.00

01:14:26.000 I'm Joe. 1.00

01:14:27.000 You know how many goddamn Joes there are? 1.00

01:14:29.000 Brian, man. 1.00

01:14:29.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:14:30.000 Alright, I gotta say this. 1.00

01:14:31.000 Well, you say that, but you changed your fucking last name. 1.00

01:14:34.000 My age? 1.00

01:14:37.000 Racist. 1.00

01:14:37.000 How dare you be scared of your Nazi past? 1.00

01:14:40.000 No. 0.99

01:14:41.000 But Brian, people my age, there's so many Brians because a Brian song came out the year I was born, so everyone named their kid Brian because of that fucking movie. 0.99

01:14:50.000 Really? 0.86

01:14:51.000 Is that how Trey Songz got his name?

01:14:54.000 Who's Trey Songz?

01:14:55.000 I don't know. 0.96

01:14:55.000 It's a dumb joke that I thought only Brian would get. 0.96

01:14:57.000 Who's Trey Songz? 0.88

01:14:58.000 I gotta say this real quick because Shaylee just emailed me.

01:15:00.000 I think Doug and them are watching this.

01:15:03.000 Douglas, me boy!

01:15:05.000 So some drama happened on this trip.

01:15:08.000 Oh.

01:15:09.000 I'm so sad to hear this.

01:15:10.000 No, but Doug's talked about it, and they just released the second podcast dealing with this.

01:15:14.000 I think they found Bingo.

01:15:16.000 What?

01:15:18.000 So, Bingo is Doug's wife, living wife. 0.88

01:15:23.000 She was supposed to take me to the airport in the morning.

01:15:25.000 And she was like, and Doug's like, don't worry, she'll get you up at like 8. She gets him at 6.30 in like combat boots and ready to roll.

01:15:32.000 Here goes someone.

01:15:35.000 And get in the car with her.

01:15:37.000 She drives me to the airport, and then halfway through, she says, I'm running away. 0.99

01:15:43.000 I was like, I'm fucking hungover as shit. 0.98

01:15:45.000 I'm like, I don't know how to deal with this information. 0.99

01:15:47.000 And now I'm like, do I ask Dial Doug?

01:15:49.000 Is Doug running a cult?

01:15:50.000 No.

01:15:51.000 Why does she have to run away? 1.00

01:15:52.000 Yeah.

01:15:53.000 Stockholm Syndrome.

01:15:54.000 So Bingo started dating some guy that lives in the woods.

01:15:59.000 I heard about all this.

01:16:01.000 He's got an outhouse.

01:16:02.000 Two outhouses.

01:16:02.000 One for his bird.

01:16:04.000 His owls? 1.00

01:16:05.000 The one to shit in. 0.99

01:16:07.000 And so she's like, don't tell Doug, don't tell Shaley, don't tell anyone. 1.00

01:16:11.000 I'm just disappearing.

01:16:12.000 And you obviously didn't abide by that. 1.00

01:16:14.000 Fuck no. 1.00

01:16:15.000 I was called Doug immediately. 1.00

01:16:17.000 I was like, I woke him up.

01:16:18.000 I was like, bingo, ran away.

01:16:20.000 And so it was pretty serious, I think.

01:16:23.000 You know, with Doug, there's a joke.

01:16:25.000 Like, everything's lighthearted.

01:16:27.000 Well, did you ever listen to the podcast with him and her when she was talking about ending this thing, this experience called life?

01:16:34.000 Yeah, that's why I called Doug.

01:16:35.000 I was like, I can't let this.

01:16:37.000 She's like, just don't tell Doug.

01:16:39.000 Don't tell anyone.

01:16:40.000 I appreciate it.

01:16:41.000 Give me a big hug.

01:16:42.000 Got it all on my vlog.

01:16:44.000 You got that on the vlog?

01:16:46.000 Yeah, I'm not.

01:16:47.000 I would never share anything like that.

01:16:49.000 I got to say a tearful goodbye.

01:16:52.000 In my head, I'm like, I don't know how this is going to end for Bingo.

01:16:54.000 Because I know that she says that.

01:16:56.000 So I called Doug immediately, wake him up.

01:16:58.000 And I was like, Bingo ran away.

01:17:00.000 He was like, what?

01:17:01.000 He knew she ran away halfway through the ride, because he's like, hey, you left your phone, and you took blankets.

01:17:08.000 And then she was like, because he called me on my phone, and she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I thought Bert wanted to sleep in the car halfway through. 0.99

01:17:14.000 I'm like, oh, I could sleep in this fucking car? 0.98

01:17:16.000 Like, I should have gone to sleep. 0.99

01:17:17.000 And then I look back, and I see coolers, and like, all gear.

01:17:20.000 Like, it's all packed.

01:17:21.000 And my bags. 1.00

01:17:22.000 And I'm like, fuck. 1.00

01:17:23.000 So I called Doug, called Shaylee. 1.00

01:17:24.000 So then Doug...

01:17:26.000 I told some secrets maybe that I shouldn't have said to Doug, but one of the things Bingo said, she wanted this guy and Doug to kind of meet and figure out what she should do.

01:17:35.000 So I was like, she wants you to podcast and do it.

01:17:38.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:17:39.000 She wanted Doug to podcast with her new boyfriend and figure out what she should do?

01:17:45.000 Yeah.

01:17:47.000 Wow, some strong psych meds.

01:17:49.000 So I tell Doug, and so literally, he calls me, like, as my plane lands, and he's like, we're podcasting right now.

01:17:56.000 Oh my god.

01:17:57.000 So that podcast just got released yesterday, and I think Shaylee just texted me the new podcast where Bingo Calls In, I guess.

01:18:06.000 Just got released right now.

01:18:08.000 Are they trolling us?

01:18:09.000 No, they're not.

01:18:10.000 It's probably just someone in a hall somewhere.

01:18:12.000 I sat in the car with her, and man, there's so many...

01:18:16.000 It was intense, but Doug takes everything with such a pace.

01:18:21.000 Such a...

01:18:23.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:18:23.000 Well, fuck it. 1.00

01:18:24.000 I'll bring Bathtub Willie in, is what he calls him, and I'll do a podcast with Bathtub Willie. 1.00

01:18:29.000 Yeah.

01:18:30.000 And I tell Doug, I go, hey, just don't say that I said anything.

01:18:32.000 Opening of the podcast is, so Chrysler calls me and tells me Bingo ran away.

01:18:36.000 I'm like...

01:18:38.000 Oh my god.

01:18:40.000 It's so sad when you see someone who, in your mind, you have the memory of them being real happy.

01:18:48.000 When I think of bingo, I think of bingo hanging out with Doug at shows.

01:18:53.000 And it's always, we're laughing.

01:18:54.000 We're all laughing.

01:18:55.000 So that's my idea of bingo.

01:18:57.000 So my idea of a depressed bingo, it doesn't make any sense. 0.93

01:19:01.000 I don't have it in my accessible memory.

01:19:06.000 I've only seen her have a good time.

01:19:08.000 I've only seen her having fun.

01:19:10.000 And we all accept that there's ups and downs to being a person. 0.99

01:19:14.000 There's highs and lows, and you get in slumps, and you feel like shit, and then you come back and you feel great. 0.94

01:19:19.000 And that's one of the reasons why you appreciate those really high spots, because you remember when you didn't feel so good. 0.95

01:19:25.000 But you see someone like Bingo, like when she was hanging around with Doug, and in my eyes, it was always like, Doug's, you gotta let Doug be Doug.

01:19:34.000 You know, and Doug's always had a problem with, you know, when he was with other chicks, there was always like some sort of a different kind of drama than like what Bingo presented.

01:19:47.000 Bingo presented crazy.

01:19:50.000 But she also presented, like, this willingness to, like, have fun and go along with everything.

01:19:55.000 And it was perfect for, like, letting the best parts of Doug just blossom.

01:20:01.000 Because they were so cool together.

01:20:03.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:20:04.000 And she's crazy. 0.98

01:20:05.000 She's got blue hair and half her head shaved. 1.00

01:20:07.000 And she's a mad woman, right? 1.00

01:20:08.000 So I was like, this is great. 0.98

01:20:10.000 This is perfect.

01:20:11.000 And it was always, in my eyes, all I remember is them smiling and laughing.

01:20:17.000 Yeah.

01:20:18.000 So it's always weird to me.

01:20:19.000 And even though rationally, obviously, I know that people have their ups and downs.

01:20:23.000 When I remember someone who's like really happy and really laughing and, you know, like big open smile, you know, throwing her head back laughing.

01:20:32.000 That's that's like that.

01:20:33.000 These are the thoughts that I have when I think about her and Doug hanging out at shows.

01:20:37.000 I think, how does someone forget how to do that?

01:20:41.000 How do you stay in that pocket?

01:20:43.000 How do you stay as close to the fun all the time pocket as possible without slipping in?

01:20:51.000 I mean, is it a chemical thing?

01:20:53.000 Is it a behavioral thing?

01:20:55.000 Is it a life circumstances and your reaction to it thing?

01:20:59.000 What is it that brings those downers, man? 1.00

01:21:03.000 Where people just feel like utter shit. 1.00

01:21:06.000 Serotonin levels. 0.99

01:21:07.000 And I guess she has, you know, issues.

01:21:09.000 So like medicine, probably that she's taking, mixtures.

01:21:12.000 Look at Brody.

01:21:13.000 He has ups and downs all the time.

01:21:15.000 Yeah.

01:21:15.000 And I mean, I date so many people that I end up calling crazy almost to a point.

01:21:21.000 It seems like it's...

01:21:22.000 But it's, you know, it's... 0.98

01:21:24.000 I feel like calling a woman crazy in the future is going to be the next tranny transgender. 1.00

01:21:29.000 Oh, it would definitely be. 0.96

01:21:30.000 It's alternative thinking, you know, but it...

01:21:32.000 I feel like I just non-stop, and it's just people's brains, man, and people just, they have ups and downs. 0.99

01:21:39.000 I had fucking ups and downs. 0.97

01:21:41.000 You know, everyone has. 1.00

01:21:42.000 There's so many factors, too, right?

01:21:45.000 It's got to be chemical, man.

01:21:47.000 Well, there's chemical, and then there's life.

01:21:49.000 There's like the curveballs life throws at you. 0.98

01:21:51.000 Like, they're undeniable that great moments in your life where things are going great, you fucking feel great. 0.97

01:21:56.000 And then when things are going shitty, you feel shitty. 0.68

01:21:59.000 And we kind of try to deny that there's some sort of a correlation between those two, but sometimes it's just shitty things happen.

01:22:06.000 You know, like Ari Shaffir just broke his ankle skiing.

01:22:09.000 Yeah.

01:22:09.000 That's just a shitty thing that happens.

01:22:11.000 That's just it.

01:22:12.000 And I think we don't forget about them either.

01:22:14.000 Like if you get in a relationship, you break up, you feel like you got over it, but that still is something in you that's taxing that you don't even know.

01:22:21.000 You've actually taken down a couple levels of happiness.

01:22:24.000 Sure.

01:22:24.000 And then something else like your car, you get in a car accident, that adds on to it.

01:22:27.000 And you don't even realize that the ground that's what's the level of happiness is getting pushed down deeper and deeper almost.

01:22:34.000 It's true.

01:22:36.000 The thing about Bingo and Doug, like when you were saying, that's a really nuclear family.

01:22:45.000 They travel and they all stay in one room. 0.99

01:22:48.000 Fucking six people stay in one room. 0.99

01:22:50.000 That's not a good move. 0.99

01:22:51.000 No, but that's one of the beauties of Doug.

01:22:54.000 I always look at other people as always glass half full.

01:22:59.000 That's the cool thing about Doug, is that obviously Doug's shows are footing the bills for the tour manager, the manager, for their wives, their girlfriends, and it's like this real big family.

01:23:10.000 So what was really heartbreaking for me, because I hung out with them, and I didn't know anything was wrong at all.

01:23:15.000 I mean, I knew that they were going through this, but we were all hanging out.

01:23:18.000 And Bingo was there, and we were laughing and singing. 0.97

01:23:21.000 I showed these guys the videos, I have them on my computer, of just, I mean, just, I'm telling you, like, St. Elmo's fire shit. 0.61

01:23:27.000 Like, everyone holding arms, just literally having the greatest time of my life. 0.77

01:23:31.000 And I leave. 0.98

01:23:32.000 How aggressively fucked up was I at the end of that video? 0.99

01:23:34.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:23:35.000 You couldn't even talk on this.

01:23:37.000 I could not speak.

01:23:38.000 St. Elmo's fire.

01:23:39.000 It was so great.

01:23:40.000 And so my whole hope is that...

01:23:44.000 It's got to be meds, man.

01:23:45.000 I spent an hour and a half in a car with her.

01:23:47.000 More than that because we had traffic, but it's meds.

01:23:50.000 Well, it's just what is going on in your brain versus another person's brain.

01:23:56.000 You can only speculate.

01:23:58.000 I don't know how anybody else sees the world.

01:24:01.000 Tell me what you think about this, honestly.

01:24:05.000 Say you put...

01:24:08.000 I'm trying to think of a scenario where I could say this.

01:24:10.000 End of the world.

01:24:10.000 We go to an island.

01:24:12.000 It's like you, your wife, and kids.

01:24:15.000 Brian and some girl that he'll end up falling in love with.

01:24:19.000 Jamie, a bunch of computers.

01:24:21.000 Lost two.

01:24:22.000 Yeah, it's lost two, but what you got the...

01:24:25.000 How come Jamie gets a computer?

01:24:26.000 Everybody else gets girls. 0.99

01:24:27.000 We'll give him a rock that looks like a computer.

01:24:28.000 Give him a girl! 1.00

01:24:29.000 And why haven't I fallen in love yet with this girl?

01:24:32.000 Because you're the B story.

01:24:33.000 It's going to take some time?

01:24:33.000 You're Don McMoynahan.

01:24:34.000 My point is, and there's no meds.

01:24:36.000 There's no meds, right?

01:24:38.000 Okay.

01:24:39.000 But you got all your favorite people there.

01:24:40.000 Okay.

01:24:41.000 And there's no meds.

01:24:41.000 And I'm saying like, and do you believe that someone saying maybe that was on meds that been put in a perfect scenario?

01:24:48.000 No apex predators on the island.

01:24:50.000 It's just family, friends, coconuts.

01:24:52.000 Everyone's feeling good.

01:24:53.000 They're eating healthy.

01:24:54.000 Do you believe, because I wonder sometimes, do you believe then that all those problems that society slid in where you now are on Prozac or whatever, do you think that they would be pulled away and that person would go like, man, I'm feeling good.

01:25:09.000 I'm eating healthy.

01:25:10.000 I got one job.

01:25:11.000 It's just to go get coconuts in the morning.

01:25:12.000 I get my coconuts.

01:25:13.000 We all sit by the pool.

01:25:15.000 I don't know, man.

01:25:16.000 I think there's a real danger.

01:25:18.000 What are you holding your hand up?

01:25:19.000 What does that say?

01:25:20.000 It's a Dominic Moynihan joke.

01:25:21.000 Oh, lost.

01:25:22.000 He was awesome in that film. 0.99

01:25:23.000 Oh, dude, he was fucking amazing. 0.78

01:25:25.000 There's a real danger in saying it's either or, you know? 0.94

01:25:30.000 Have you ever taken meds?

01:25:32.000 No.

01:25:33.000 But I think for some people, they're really important.

01:25:36.000 But do you feel like marijuana sometimes acts like a Zoloft for you?

01:25:41.000 No, but marijuana definitely gives you a more sensitive perspective, and it calms you down, and it makes you more connected to all the other people that you come in contact with.

01:25:51.000 It definitely does that in a lot of ways.

01:25:54.000 But it's not what's going on with people that are taking medication.

01:25:58.000 The people that are taking medication, like SSRIs, I have some friends that They started using them, and it changed their life.

01:26:07.000 You know, a couple, quite a few.

01:26:08.000 And then both of them, coincidentally, not coincidentally, but after a while, they weaned off of them.

01:26:15.000 And their life got better, and they're both really smart guys.

01:26:18.000 And when their life got better, then they weaned themselves off the psych meds, and they stayed happy.

01:26:23.000 So I think everybody's got a different story, too.

01:26:27.000 And there's a real, not a danger, but...

01:26:32.000 I think it's a real prejudice that people do where they'll decide like it's one way or the other.

01:26:37.000 Like it's either you don't need any medication, all you need to do is diet and exercise and run and you'll be fine.

01:26:44.000 And then there's other people that think that it's a disease, the way to treat it is primarily through medication and that's it.

01:26:52.000 And your health and your exercise routines and your diet really doesn't have any bearing on it because it's There's some sort of a neurological disorder.

01:27:02.000 You have an issue with your brain.

01:27:03.000 So there's people that are under, like, that school of thought.

01:27:06.000 I think the real answer, if you talk to a lot of those neuroscientists, they'll tell you it's somewhere in the middle. 0.99

01:27:13.000 It's like, who the fuck knows? 0.98

01:27:14.000 Like, I don't know you. 1.00

01:27:16.000 So you might be completely batshit crazy and you need medication, dude. 1.00

01:27:20.000 You're just fucking wired wrong. 0.99

01:27:21.000 It's not happening in there. 1.00

01:27:23.000 Someone needs to go in there and rewire shit. 0.99

01:27:26.000 Or... 0.99

01:27:27.000 You might be a guy who could easily be healthy if he could get on a good roll.

01:27:31.000 If you could just get some momentum going and start getting up in the morning, drinking warm water with lemon. 0.99

01:27:37.000 Getting on the fucking treadmill for a half an hour every morning. 0.99

01:27:40.000 Put that treadmill in the garage. 1.00

01:27:42.000 Plug that fucker in. 1.00

01:27:43.000 Every morning, just do a fucking half an hour before you go to... 1.00

01:27:45.000 Once you start getting on these rolls like that, you start feeling better. 0.99

01:27:50.000 There's a serotonin drip that happens.

01:27:52.000 Yeah.

01:27:52.000 You start feeling better.

01:27:53.000 You get more fit.

01:27:54.000 You get more healthy.

01:27:55.000 You feel better.

01:27:56.000 When you feel better, your brain works better.

01:27:58.000 It's undeniable.

01:27:59.000 So it's not necessarily one or the other.

01:28:02.000 But...

01:28:03.000 We don't know.

01:28:04.000 I don't know what's going on in your head.

01:28:06.000 You don't know what's going on in my head.

01:28:08.000 And I think that's where it gets weird when people are like, these psych meds aren't helping anybody.

01:28:12.000 I think some of them might be helping some people.

01:28:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:28:15.000 I think some people hit a bad spot, man. 0.95

01:28:18.000 And I think the psych drugs can fucking pull them up and then they can get accustomed to being on balance and then they can get off of them. 0.95

01:28:27.000 I wish I knew more. 0.96

01:28:28.000 They've always told me I should go on something for anxiety.

01:28:33.000 They're like, oh, it'll change your life.

01:28:35.000 It might.

01:28:36.000 I might.

01:28:36.000 The wonder about it is, would it dull what's awesome about your personality?

01:28:43.000 100%.

01:28:43.000 I think crazy, man.

01:28:45.000 I think fucking crazy. 1.00

01:28:47.000 Well, that's part of what makes you you. 1.00

01:28:49.000 Yeah.

01:28:49.000 And it's not like you don't have a handle on it.

01:28:52.000 It's just slippery.

01:28:53.000 The handle's slippery. 0.99

01:28:55.000 Very fucking slippery. 0.99

01:28:56.000 It's covered in MCT oil. 0.99

01:28:58.000 Yeah.

01:28:59.000 It's that way for everyone who's trying to do anything creatively.

01:29:04.000 You know, you can't be 100% relaxed.

01:29:07.000 This is not going to work that way.

01:29:09.000 Have you been to a therapist before?

01:29:10.000 I'm in therapy right now.

01:29:12.000 Hollow.

01:29:12.000 It's best.

01:29:14.000 My favorite moment was when he told me.

01:29:16.000 Because I have a lot of epiphanous moments, you know?

01:29:20.000 Like I have cognitive, not cognitive, emotional.

01:29:23.000 Never said that word.

01:29:23.000 I've been alive 48 years.

01:29:25.000 Really?

01:29:25.000 Never said epiphanous.

01:29:26.000 Epiphanous.

01:29:27.000 I have a lot of emotional epiphanous moments.

01:29:30.000 Because, you know, I had a day where I jumped off the tallest stadium in the world, swam with great white sharks, and then rappelled up a 3,000-foot mountain. 1.00

01:29:37.000 So, like, at the end of that day, you're sitting there going, like, the fuck, man? 0.99

01:29:42.000 Like, what? 1.00

01:29:43.000 Like, what is going through my brain?

01:29:44.000 Like, I survived three times today in deadly activities that I knew that were safe, but...

01:29:51.000 And so, uh...

01:29:53.000 And then it started happening, and then I started getting a very low threshold for a bit of moments.

01:29:58.000 Things could just be like Stan Hopes, man.

01:30:00.000 I was firing hot.

01:30:02.000 I was at the airport, and I was just like, that was one of the greatest times I've ever had in my life.

01:30:07.000 And I go, I wonder if it was the greatest time I've ever had in my life, or if I'm just so connected right now to whatever that is.

01:30:13.000 They've got a theater there.

01:30:14.000 I was going to say this.

01:30:15.000 They've got a theater there.

01:30:15.000 I think Joey, Ari, and I are going to do it.

01:30:17.000 125 seats.

01:30:19.000 Stan Hope presents.

01:30:20.000 Just go down and spend them.

01:30:21.000 In Bisbee.

01:30:23.000 Yeah, he and I talked about that.

01:30:24.000 I was like, that theater sounds like the perfect place to just bring in comics for a weekend. 0.99

01:30:29.000 Fuck yes. 0.99

01:30:30.000 Did you ever do the old Cobbs? 1.00

01:30:31.000 Yeah, I think.

01:30:33.000 The old Cobbs that was like 150 seats?

01:30:34.000 No.

01:30:35.000 It might not have even been that many seats.

01:30:38.000 The old Cobbs was tiny.

01:30:39.000 Yes, I did.

01:30:40.000 It was down by the wharf.

01:30:41.000 Yes.

01:30:41.000 I did it when it was called the Green Room.

01:30:43.000 Oh, so you did it after it was Cobbs, after Cobbs had moved to the new spot. 0.99

01:30:46.000 Yeah, that was a great fucking club though. 0.95

01:30:48.000 Dude, it's crazy because Cobbs is like the old Cobbs was literally like the perfect size club, but it was almost too small to make money. 0.98

01:30:57.000 So like if you worked at Cobbs, you got paid less than if you worked at the Punchline, which is also a great room, right?

01:31:04.000 Punchline's fantastic.

01:31:05.000 But there was something about that Cobbs because it was so small.

01:31:09.000 You would go there, it was like so packed in tight.

01:31:12.000 I would make less money to work there, but look forward to it more.

01:31:16.000 They cut on fire, right?

01:31:17.000 Yeah, something happened, man.

01:31:19.000 There was some sort of a fire.

01:31:21.000 Really? 0.92

01:31:21.000 They moved to a new spot, and the new spot that they moved to is a giant-ass spot. 0.92

01:31:27.000 Yeah, that's always hard to fill for me. 0.87

01:31:29.000 Not if you're Doug Benson.

01:31:31.000 But the new spot is still awesome.

01:31:33.000 I like the new spot.

01:31:34.000 It's really cool, but it's weird.

01:31:36.000 It's got a high ceiling, and it's got a balcony that's way in the back.

01:31:41.000 When Doug sells tickets to that theater and he's done stuff there, no one from Bisbee has to hold like 25 tickets for Bisbee residents.

01:31:49.000 It's all people flying into Tucson and driving down to go see the show. 0.96

01:31:52.000 That's pretty fucking legit. 0.97

01:31:54.000 Wow. 0.98

01:31:55.000 And I was like, dude, that is what...

01:31:58.000 I was like, bring...

01:31:59.000 I would come in in a heartbeat.

01:32:02.000 My initial idea of coming in was like, go in, do stand-up near Bisbee, see if I can stand-up to look at my hour, tell me where I'm being lazy.

01:32:11.000 And then he was like, just do it in my house.

01:32:13.000 Wow.

01:32:14.000 But like, yeah, I love those old small rooms are the best. 0.99

01:32:20.000 The Laughing Skull is a great fucking room. 1.00

01:32:23.000 It's a great fucking room. 1.00

01:32:24.000 Tiny. 1.00

01:32:25.000 You know?

01:32:26.000 It's like almost like just a little bigger than the belly room.

01:32:29.000 You know?

01:32:29.000 There's 100 seat rooms.

01:32:31.000 Dude, the belly room's fucking amazing. 0.99

01:32:32.000 You know I never fucked around with a store ever up until like very recently? 1.00

01:32:35.000 That fucking belly room is... 1.00

01:32:37.000 It's amazing. 1.00

01:32:38.000 I fucking... 0.96

01:32:38.000 Why would you ever do the OR or the main room? 0.96

01:32:41.000 I'll tell you how little I knew.

01:32:42.000 The time I went up to do Ari's storytelling show, I didn't know which one was which.

01:32:46.000 I literally had to go in and go, what is the belly room?

01:32:49.000 That's how little I did the store.

01:32:51.000 And the guy didn't even know who I was, and then Ari brought me up there. 0.98

01:32:55.000 I mean, fucking perfect. 0.89

01:32:58.000 Did What's-His-Name's new material night? 0.99

01:33:01.000 Josiah?

01:33:03.000 Jeremiah?

01:33:03.000 Jeremiah Watkins?

01:33:04.000 Jeremiah Watkins' new material night? 1.00

01:33:06.000 My brain's fucked. 0.99

01:33:08.000 Jeremiah is an old-school-y name. 1.00

01:33:10.000 It is, yeah.

01:33:11.000 Oh my god, I met his mom.

01:33:12.000 She must have been into the Bible, just like you, Brian Sloan.

01:33:15.000 No, no.

01:33:16.000 Go ahead.

01:33:17.000 Thank you, Jamie.

01:33:17.000 So, uh...

01:33:19.000 But, like, that belly room, I'm not a guy that goes out often during the night.

01:33:25.000 That convinced me to start getting out in the city.

01:33:28.000 Ari called up and he's like, can you host my storytelling show?

01:33:30.000 I'm like, done. 0.98

01:33:32.000 That belly room's fucking amazing. 0.99

01:33:34.000 Yeah, it's a weird place. 0.99

01:33:36.000 It's a tucked away little tiny room at the store.

01:33:39.000 We do weekends there sometimes, man.

01:33:41.000 Really?

01:33:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:33:42.000 We do like a Friday night or Saturday night, 10 o'clock show.

01:33:45.000 It's just me and friends, you know? 0.98

01:33:47.000 That's fucking amazing. 0.90

01:33:48.000 I mean, whatever the big one is that we've done, I've done that one with you. 0.98

01:33:52.000 Yeah, the main room?

01:33:53.000 That's good. 1.00

01:33:54.000 It's good to kill. 0.99

01:33:55.000 Ryan had a sick show there last night. 1.00

01:33:57.000 Last night was insane.

01:33:58.000 Really?

01:33:58.000 Dave Attell was the secret guest.

01:34:01.000 Yeah.

01:34:01.000 Attell came by the Ice House last night, too.

01:34:03.000 Yeah.

01:34:04.000 He's great.

01:34:04.000 I love that guy.

01:34:05.000 Ron White, him.

01:34:07.000 There's a few people that I see I can just sit and hang out with.

01:34:09.000 It's so great.

01:34:11.000 Yeah, there's just sweethearts. 1.00

01:34:12.000 Comedy sweethearts.

01:34:13.000 Have you seen Nikki Glaser's new show?

01:34:16.000 It's actually really funny.

01:34:18.000 I liked it.

01:34:19.000 She hooked people up to like...

01:34:20.000 You know, McGuire's producing that.

01:34:21.000 Oh, really?

01:34:22.000 Yeah, Chris McGuire's producing it.

01:34:23.000 It's so funny.

01:34:24.000 I believe he is.

01:34:26.000 He was at one point in time, I'm sure.

01:34:28.000 I hope he's still with it.

01:34:29.000 Chris is hilarious.

01:34:30.000 He's great. 0.99

01:34:31.000 He's a fucking hilarious writer. 0.99

01:34:33.000 So funny. 1.00

01:34:34.000 She hooked up lie detectors to her friends and then asked them if they wanted to fuck her. 1.00

01:34:38.000 Like, these were real friends. 0.99

01:34:39.000 And they were like, you could see they were so nervous.

01:34:42.000 Well, that's normal, though.

01:34:44.000 Those things where they try to measure deception. 0.68

01:34:47.000 I almost said the shittiest joke.

01:34:49.000 What would be that?

01:34:50.000 So that's where Amy Schumer got that idea. 0.97

01:34:55.000 How dare you! 0.99

01:35:00.000 I'm glad you let that go.

01:35:02.000 I'm glad you lobbed that out there.

01:35:05.000 I tried, though.

01:35:06.000 I tried to watch Conan last night.

01:35:08.000 I haven't seen Conan in over a year and a half.

01:35:11.000 And I was like, is this show even still on?

01:35:13.000 You can't find it on Hulu.

01:35:15.000 You can't find it on Netflix. 1.00

01:35:16.000 None of the shit. 0.99

01:35:17.000 Still on TBS. Yeah. 1.00

01:35:19.000 That's crazy.

01:35:20.000 Bill Burr's there once a month.

01:35:21.000 Yeah, what do you mean?

01:35:22.000 Bill Burr's the reason I watch Conan.

01:35:24.000 No, I mean, like, a lot of people have cut their cable, like, including myself, I've had it for two years now, and you rely on, like, Hulu and stuff like that to watch everything.

01:35:32.000 It's not on any of those things?

01:35:33.000 No.

01:35:34.000 Well, you would think they would make some sort of a deal.

01:35:36.000 No.

01:35:36.000 I watch Conan on...

01:35:37.000 I've never watched Conan, like, live.

01:35:39.000 I watch it on YouTube.

01:35:40.000 Yeah, there's a lot of that for sure.

01:35:42.000 Bill Burr murders Conan.

01:35:44.000 Yeah.

01:35:44.000 Well, Conan knows him, so they know what to do.

01:35:46.000 He gives Burr these...

01:35:48.000 Burr would just give these wide paths for Burr to ramp. 0.95

01:35:52.000 I love Burr.

01:35:53.000 Last night, Burr, he is one of my favorite new comics that I just got into within the last couple years.

01:35:59.000 I could watch that guy forever.

01:36:01.000 He's one of the best ever.

01:36:03.000 He's one of the best ever.

01:36:04.000 Right now, Bill Burr is one of the best ever.

01:36:07.000 He's really good.

01:36:08.000 He's really good.

01:36:09.000 He's really tucked in.

01:36:10.000 His comedy is real original.

01:36:12.000 It's really him.

01:36:14.000 It's authentic.

01:36:14.000 Very authentic.

01:36:15.000 And he's saying some controversial shit. 0.99

01:36:20.000 He's going out there. 0.99

01:36:22.000 And, uh, it's interesting.

01:36:24.000 That's why even his cartoon is awesome.

01:36:26.000 Because just hearing him...

01:36:27.000 Dude, that's great.

01:36:29.000 Hey, don't even get me started.

01:36:30.000 So I go...

01:36:31.000 So Bill and I texted back and forth.

01:36:33.000 We're like, hey, we should hang out.

01:36:34.000 Not podcast.

01:36:35.000 Hang out.

01:36:36.000 It's one of the flaws I think I have is that I look at everything as work.

01:36:39.000 Bill goes, nah, nah, nah.

01:36:40.000 Nah, nah. 0.99

01:36:41.000 If you want to hang out, we'll fucking hang out. 0.98

01:36:42.000 I'm not going to podcast. 0.97

01:36:43.000 Yeah.

01:36:44.000 So we're great.

01:36:44.000 So we have a cigar over at my place.

01:36:46.000 Cocktail. 1.00

01:36:47.000 Shoot the shit. 1.00

01:36:48.000 Have the sun set. 1.00

01:36:49.000 Go out and go to work.

01:36:51.000 So the girls go, do you want to do something? 0.89

01:36:53.000 I said, no, my buddy Bill's coming.

01:36:55.000 It's the day Tom Segura's special comes out.

01:36:57.000 So I got Netflix up.

01:36:58.000 I go, as a matter of fact, oh, this is a cartoon.

01:37:00.000 Girls, you like cartoons? 0.64

01:37:02.000 Why don't you guys watch?

01:37:02.000 This is my buddy Bill.

01:37:03.000 He's coming over tonight.

01:37:04.000 Let's take a look at it. 1.00

01:37:06.000 First thing is like, these cocksucker motherfuckers! 1.00

01:37:09.000 And Isla looks over and she's like, are we allowed to watch this? 1.00

01:37:12.000 And I was like, fuck it, your mom's not here, let's watch it. 0.99

01:37:15.000 So we watch the pilot, right? 0.99

01:37:17.000 Leanne comes in and says, what are you guys watching?

01:37:20.000 And I go, okay, it's got bad words in it, but it's not like...

01:37:23.000 Sexual or anything just and so we show Leanne.

01:37:25.000 Leanne says she sees an article on NPR that says kids being around cursing is okay.

01:37:30.000 It's actually very healthy for them to hear cursing.

01:37:33.000 It's when kids don't hear cursing that they believe the world is different. 0.99

01:37:36.000 They believe the world's fucked up. 0.99

01:37:38.000 So then like they live in this bubble and then they do hear cursing and it fucks them up in return. 0.99

01:37:42.000 And so Leanne's like, you know what?

01:37:46.000 Let's watch it.

01:37:47.000 So we watched it.

01:37:47.000 Wow, what an interesting concept but totally makes sense.

01:37:50.000 Did you hear cursing when you were a kid?

01:37:52.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:52.000 Oh fuck yeah! 1.00

01:37:53.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:37:54.000 Yeah, and it's just these new-age, I'm gonna say Christian, I believe in God, but like whatever.

01:38:00.000 Like, hey, cursing is not around children.

01:38:04.000 But you think it's a new-age Christian thing?

01:38:06.000 I didn't know one parent when I was a kid that didn't curse. 1.00

01:38:10.000 Didn't drink, smoke in front of their kids, and curse.

01:38:12.000 That was my whole life, but I grew up in the South.

01:38:15.000 Well, I guess it's trying to preserve the innocence of the kids.

01:38:19.000 Is that what it is?

01:38:20.000 I guess.

01:38:22.000 Yeah, but they're just words, right?

01:38:24.000 It's just words.

01:38:25.000 Why shouldn't the kids be able to say that right away? 0.99

01:38:26.000 What do we give a fuck? 0.99

01:38:27.000 Why do we have to behave different than the kids do? 0.99

01:38:30.000 It teaches them boundaries.

01:38:31.000 It says, this is what dad can do.

01:38:32.000 You can't do that.

01:38:33.000 Right.

01:38:34.000 When you become a certain age, you can earn that, and you can do it.

01:38:36.000 But how...

01:38:37.000 Go ahead. 0.99

01:38:38.000 Yeah, but what if, like, a kid says, like, pussyhole? 1.00

01:38:40.000 You don't want kids saying pussyholes, you know? 0.99

01:38:42.000 Brian, they'd have to live in your house to hear pussyhole. 1.00

01:38:45.000 Well, they could come up with it on their own. 0.99

01:38:47.000 It's not like pussyhole is from a single origin. 0.94

01:38:50.000 Right. 0.97

01:38:52.000 How many different people all over the world said pussyhole in a hundred different languages? 0.98

01:38:59.000 None of them aware that somebody in Greece had already claimed that nomenclature.

01:39:04.000 But, so we ended up watching it, and then Bill came over, and Bill's like, and we were at episode three, he's like, you haven't let them see episode four yet.

01:39:12.000 That's you, I go. 0.97

01:39:13.000 No, he goes, God, don't let them fucking see it. 0.99

01:39:15.000 But what's so crazy is, like, we're sitting in the kitchen, and my daughter walks in, she doesn't give a shit about celebrity, that doesn't mean anything. 0.99

01:39:21.000 But she heard Bill's voice and went, It was creepy. 0.97

01:39:26.000 I was like, yo, Georgia, this is the guy you've been listening to all day.

01:39:29.000 This is the dad from that show.

01:39:31.000 She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that she was hearing the cartoon guy's voice.

01:39:36.000 I thought that was cool.

01:39:38.000 But that show, F is for family, is it? 0.97

01:39:41.000 And it's so fucking funny. 0.96

01:39:43.000 It's really good. 0.97

01:39:44.000 I want a cartoon so bad.

01:39:46.000 Well, why don't you make one?

01:39:48.000 Yeah.

01:39:50.000 You can.

01:39:51.000 Stan Hope's calling.

01:39:54.000 Put him on speaker.

01:39:56.000 Stan Hope, you're on Rogan's podcast.

01:39:58.000 You're on speaker.

01:39:59.000 I know, yeah.

01:40:00.000 Oh, there's a slight delay.

01:40:03.000 We're watching it live in the...

01:40:04.000 I go, watch Karcher's face. 1.00

01:40:07.000 See if he notices his fucking phone vibrating in his pocket. 1.00

01:40:12.000 You know what? 0.99

01:40:12.000 There's a delay. 0.99

01:40:13.000 Go and volume.

01:40:14.000 We'll pause it.

01:40:15.000 Can you pause it?

01:40:16.000 Can we pause the show?

01:40:17.000 No, no, no.

01:40:18.000 No, he's talking to Jaylee.

01:40:19.000 Just all stand still.

01:40:20.000 Stand still, guys.

01:40:21.000 All right, we gotta pause.

01:40:25.000 I texted Rogan a picture of you in the funhouse.

01:40:29.000 You hear?

01:40:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:40:31.000 I just got it.

01:40:31.000 Here it is.

01:40:33.000 Is this me hammered?

01:40:35.000 I just texted a picture of us watching you in the funhouse.

01:40:40.000 What's going on?

01:40:40.000 We came in late.

01:40:43.000 Chad Shank said he's been watching it since the beginning.

01:40:46.000 He goes, they mentioned my name!

01:40:50.000 He can't hear us.

01:40:51.000 Yeah, he can.

01:40:52.000 Oh, I'm here.

01:40:54.000 It's on speaker, but here.

01:40:55.000 Go ahead.

01:40:55.000 Do you hear us, Doug?

01:40:57.000 It's on speakerphone.

01:40:58.000 He should be able to hear us using speakerphone.

01:40:59.000 Oh, he's watching.

01:41:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:41:01.000 Hang on.

01:41:02.000 We paused you.

01:41:05.000 Talk to Joe.

01:41:08.000 You just do it.

01:41:09.000 Well, I'm just saying you're the only one who could talk to him.

01:41:11.000 Douglas. 0.96

01:41:13.000 We have a shitty way of communicating here. 0.70

01:41:16.000 We've got to figure out a better way to do this.

01:41:18.000 Because you can only hear us when we're really close to this phone.

01:41:21.000 You're not wired into anything.

01:41:22.000 So we have to pass the phone around for you to hear us.

01:41:26.000 The speakerphone works pretty well.

01:41:33.000 Done, Doug.

01:41:35.000 No, nobody ever turns it off.

01:41:36.000 They turn it over.

01:41:37.000 We're too addicted to turn it off. 1.00

01:41:39.000 Nobody turns shit off. 0.99

01:41:42.000 You never know. 0.99

01:41:43.000 Someone might get in contact with you. 1.00

01:41:44.000 What the fuck's going on in the desert, son? 0.99

01:41:48.000 We did day two of Bingo's disappearance. 0.99

01:41:51.000 I don't know if Bert talked about that early.

01:41:53.000 Yeah, he did.

01:41:54.000 Yeah, day two, at the end of it, she calls and reveals her location.

01:42:00.000 Whoa.

01:42:01.000 So, yeah, well, it ain't over.

01:42:04.000 It still has to be the, what's it gonna be?

01:42:09.000 Is it gonna be him or is it gonna be me?

01:42:11.000 Whoa, no gunfight.

01:42:13.000 Don't do that.

01:42:14.000 No, no, no, no.

01:42:15.000 No duels.

01:42:16.000 I and I are cool.

01:42:17.000 So you and the guy are cool.

01:42:20.000 So you're hopeful that it's all going to work out?

01:42:25.000 It'll work out one way or the other.

01:42:27.000 I just hope it works out in my favor.

01:42:30.000 Well, we agree.

01:42:33.000 Alright, well, go back to your podcast.

01:42:35.000 We're going to go back to the podcast.

01:42:36.000 Alright, brother.

01:42:38.000 Have fun out there.

01:42:38.000 I love you too, buddy.

01:42:40.000 See ya.

01:42:42.000 Hey, uh...

01:42:45.000 Everyone check.

01:42:46.000 It's Doug Stanhope.

01:42:47.000 Don't be scared to tell your friends you love them.

01:42:49.000 Everybody out there.

01:42:50.000 I said I love you to Doug when I said goodbye.

01:42:51.000 I said I love you to everybody.

01:42:52.000 I like how Doug sawed his podcast.

01:42:54.000 And coming up, at the very end, we'll find out what Bingo did and where she is.

01:42:59.000 You can check it out on iTunes. 0.83

01:43:00.000 Dude, his podcast is so fucking good. 0.98

01:43:05.000 You heard the one, I laid in bed one night on the road and I just was like, I'll listen to Stan Hope and Chad and Chaley and Brian Hedigan sounds like fucking Nanny McPhee. 0.98

01:43:15.000 I love Brian.

01:43:16.000 He's a smart dude.

01:43:17.000 I like talking to that guy.

01:43:19.000 But I listened one night and I was like, I'm just going to go to bed and it's like the Doug and Bingo breakup episode.

01:43:26.000 I was like, I'm pouring and making a pot of tea.

01:43:28.000 Guess I'll be listening to this all night.

01:43:30.000 I mean, Esther Ku, did you know this?

01:43:33.000 This is 100% true.

01:43:34.000 I found this out the other day. 0.97

01:43:35.000 Esther Ku, on the end of every single one of her podcasts, masturbates and just records herself masturbating while she's doing her tour dates and stuff like that. 0.89

01:43:44.000 And it's legit because you could hear like a... 0.92

01:43:46.000 And stuff like that. 0.94

01:43:48.000 On my episode that I was on, she masturbated and came 17 times at the end of the podcast. 0.98

01:43:54.000 No joke. 0.98

01:43:55.000 So while you were podcasting with her, she was playing with herself? 0.99

01:43:58.000 No, what she does is she records a podcast and then after I leave, then she masturbates and goes, well, that was a lot of fun. 1.00

01:44:05.000 And then she comes. 0.99

01:44:06.000 And she comes really fast because she can make herself come really fast. 0.99

01:44:11.000 If she's a sex addict. 1.00

01:44:13.000 She's a sex addict. 1.00

01:44:14.000 Geez, I guess so. 1.00

01:44:15.000 Did you hear the episode she did it on OP and Jim?

01:44:17.000 No.

01:44:18.000 Oh, that's pretty good. 0.99

01:44:20.000 She's like, yeah, I can make myself cum in 20 seconds. 1.00

01:44:22.000 And they're like, you know, Jim's like, oh, I'd like to see that. 0.82

01:44:25.000 So she goes in the little booth, I think, where mostly where all the producers are at Iraq is. 0.96

01:44:32.000 And just masturbates on mic. 0.88

01:44:33.000 And she let Jimmy see it? 0.99

01:44:35.000 No, she goes into the box so no one can see her.

01:44:38.000 Oh.

01:44:38.000 But she did it.

01:44:39.000 And I had heard about this end of the podcast.

01:44:42.000 Good for her.

01:44:43.000 I had heard about this end of the podcast before, and I asked her about it.

01:44:46.000 She told me about it.

01:44:47.000 She left my house.

01:44:48.000 She did my podcast the other day.

01:44:50.000 She left my house, and I was like, I'm just going to hear it for myself.

01:44:54.000 It is.

01:44:55.000 I mean, it is legit.

01:44:57.000 Not only that, but she gets done having an orgasm and then just says, okay, Columbus, Ohio, I'll be there the 22nd and the 23rd. 0.62

01:45:03.000 And it starts again.

01:45:04.000 And then it'll stop and then go, okay, remember how last week I said I lost my retainer?

01:45:08.000 Well, I found it.

01:45:08.000 And this will start again.

01:45:09.000 Oh, my God.

01:45:10.000 It really is.

01:45:10.000 It really is just to go get that, subscribe, but just cut to the very end.

01:45:15.000 I didn't know about it.

01:45:16.000 And then when I found out, I just was like, hey, let's watch porn and podcasts.

01:45:19.000 So she came to my podcast. 0.68

01:45:20.000 We just watched porn. 0.52

01:45:21.000 But it didn't work.

01:45:22.000 She didn't get it.

01:45:22.000 I tried.

01:45:23.000 I tried.

01:45:25.000 I gotta get behind Brian's back on this one.

01:45:28.000 It's a pretty legit podcasting episode.

01:45:31.000 At the end of every one, it's like 20 times.

01:45:34.000 It's like you're getting tired.

01:45:35.000 How crazy is that? 0.54

01:45:36.000 It makes me horny, though, immediately. 0.86

01:45:38.000 It made me horny, too! 1.00

01:45:39.000 I totally had to masturbate and look up Asian chicks. 1.00

01:45:42.000 How many people are jerking off listening to this podcast right now? 1.00

01:45:46.000 There's a number. 0.54

01:45:47.000 Definitely.

01:45:48.000 There's a number.

01:45:48.000 Yeah.

01:45:49.000 Right now. 1.00

01:45:51.000 As soon as we started talking and you guys started explaining how she masturbates that much, how many dudes whip their dick out? 1.00

01:45:56.000 Totally. 0.99

01:45:57.000 How many people went right to Esther Ku's, Ku and the gang, and just went to the, go to the Anthony Kumi one, go right to the end, last ten minutes?

01:46:04.000 Go to mine.

01:46:05.000 I'm here.

01:46:06.000 Oh, go to Brian's.

01:46:07.000 Yeah, he's right here.

01:46:08.000 What red band boo? 0.99

01:46:09.000 That's fucking rude. 1.00

01:46:10.000 Yeah, how dare you? 0.99

01:46:11.000 He just never invited me to be on it.

01:46:14.000 She's just always doing that? 1.00

01:46:17.000 Do we just hear it?

01:46:17.000 No, no, no.

01:46:18.000 Joe, it's pretty good.

01:46:20.000 No, no, no.

01:46:20.000 Joe, let me pull it up for you.

01:46:22.000 Joe, let me pull it up for you.

01:46:23.000 It's really funny.

01:46:24.000 I can't believe that Bert Kreischer is doing this against my will.

01:46:28.000 If it was up to me, I would not listen, for I find this offensive.

01:46:32.000 Esther Kuh and the gang.

01:46:34.000 It's like the first one on my thing.

01:46:36.000 It's so good.

01:46:38.000 The one she does with Anthony Akumi is actually a really good podcast, but you just go right to the end.

01:46:43.000 I was already listening to it.

01:46:45.000 This week. 1.00

01:46:47.000 Holy shit. 1.00

01:46:50.000 Oh, God. 1.00

01:46:51.000 All right.

01:46:52.000 Oh, my God.

01:47:01.000 Oh, yes!

01:47:03.000 Please, just...

01:47:06.000 Oh, God.

01:47:11.000 I'm gonna be in Vegas this week.

01:47:13.000 Oh, my God.

01:47:19.000 She just goes right into our dates! 1.00

01:47:22.000 No!

01:47:26.000 Oh my god.

01:47:27.000 And by the way, she's got 12 minutes left of that. 0.70

01:47:31.000 What a good kid.

01:47:34.000 But the best is when her going, I'm going to be in Vegas.

01:47:37.000 What a good kid.

01:47:41.000 I got that from my friend Jimmy Dottilio when we were in high school.

01:47:45.000 What a good kid. 0.61

01:47:46.000 When a girl would be like a total pig, he'd go, what a good kid. 1.00

01:47:52.000 I've always said that. 0.99

01:47:54.000 I've always said that.

01:47:57.000 That's like one of the funniest things to say. 0.98

01:48:00.000 When a girl does something incredibly ridiculous over the top like that. 1.00

01:48:05.000 What a good kid. 0.93

01:48:07.000 Esther Koo is a good kid.

01:48:08.000 She is. 0.99

01:48:09.000 What a crazy girl. 1.00

01:48:10.000 She sleeps at the spas, like the Korean spas. 1.00

01:48:14.000 She just goes there and lays on the floor all night. 1.00

01:48:17.000 Is that where she lives? 0.87

01:48:18.000 No, just when she's in town, when she came to LA last week.

01:48:21.000 She just comes and goes to those things. 1.00

01:48:22.000 Spas.

01:48:23.000 She's a deep person, too.

01:48:25.000 She's a very smart girl.

01:48:26.000 Very smart.

01:48:26.000 She's a very unusual person.

01:48:28.000 I could talk to her.

01:48:28.000 You get a different sort of personality.

01:48:32.000 You know, but...

01:48:34.000 Those, like, spas, those Korean spas, that's the one thing that I'm really worried that we're gonna lose in this sort of homogenization of the world. 0.99

01:48:48.000 Like, real ethnic shit like that. 1.00

01:48:51.000 Never, man. 1.00

01:48:51.000 It's like a Korean spa, where it's, like, old world. 1.00

01:48:55.000 Everybody's taking their clothes off.

01:48:56.000 You're all gonna go through this crazy spa thing, or the Russians, where they do the banya. 1.00

01:49:00.000 You ever seen that shit? 1.00

01:49:01.000 I've done it, bro. 1.00

01:49:02.000 Oh, you have done it, right?

01:49:04.000 Yeah, I've done it.

01:49:04.000 What is that like?

01:49:05.000 And then they go hot and cold, they go back and forth, right?

01:49:08.000 It's old school.

01:49:09.000 It makes you wonder. 0.99

01:49:09.000 It makes you really, like, separate what we called gay as a kid versus what was gay in the fucking 1930s. 0.99

01:49:15.000 That looks gay on paper. 1.00

01:49:17.000 And, dude, you're naked. 1.00

01:49:18.000 He lays you on a fucking slab like you're at a morgue. 1.00

01:49:21.000 Just starts washing your body. 1.00

01:49:23.000 Takes birch bees.

01:49:24.000 Oh, easy.

01:49:25.000 Beats totally naked. 0.98

01:49:26.000 The guy washes your ball sack? 0.95

01:49:27.000 Never.

01:49:28.000 Leg up?

01:49:29.000 Hold on.

01:49:29.000 Hold on, hold on.

01:49:31.000 The guy washes you? 0.99

01:49:32.000 Washes your body. 1.00

01:49:33.000 Your asshole? 1.00

01:49:35.000 I'm almost certain he got my asshole. 1.00

01:49:37.000 I'm almost certain he got my asshole. 1.00

01:49:39.000 So with his hands, gloves or no gloves? 1.00

01:49:42.000 I think he's got, I want to say he has birch branches or he's got birch leaves.

01:49:49.000 That's what they beat you with. 1.00

01:49:50.000 And he's holding your asshole up with that? 1.00

01:49:51.000 He literally leg up. 1.00

01:49:54.000 He gets on top of you.

01:49:55.000 He cracks your back.

01:49:57.000 It's fully...

01:49:58.000 There's a place in New York, man, if you're next time you're in New York...

01:50:01.000 He's not.

01:50:02.000 And he had herpes sores on his mouth.

01:50:05.000 But then he just immediately was like, okay, get in the bath.

01:50:10.000 And then you just go get in an ice-cold bath.

01:50:14.000 Coldest water I've ever been in.

01:50:16.000 Hop in.

01:50:18.000 Like, prickling on your feet, and then they get out, they put you in a room that's like, oh, I'm in a ballpark, and I know this sounds make-believe, but like at like 200 degrees.

01:50:26.000 It was the hottest room I've ever been in my life.

01:50:28.000 Oh my god.

01:50:28.000 Like, it's not a sauna, it hurts your eyes, and it hurts to breathe.

01:50:32.000 You stand there for like five minutes, then they come out, they wash you, they dunk you, they put you back in, and it's all about cleaning out your impurities. 0.99

01:50:39.000 I gotta be honest with you, man, I walked out of that place feeling clean as fuck. 1.00

01:50:42.000 A little violated, but clean as fuck. 1.00

01:50:45.000 Wow. 1.00

01:50:46.000 He was in a towel.

01:50:47.000 That's all he had on was a towel.

01:50:48.000 Well, why does it have to be a guy?

01:50:51.000 He's got to be strong, probably.

01:50:53.000 Lift your legs up.

01:50:55.000 What if you're a big giant dude?

01:50:56.000 I'll tell you the name of the place, so if people want to go, I follow them on Twitter.

01:51:00.000 It is old school Russian.

01:51:02.000 I know a little Russian, so I tried to talk to them when I got in there.

01:51:05.000 And they were like, okay.

01:51:06.000 And now that we became friends because of that.

01:51:09.000 Yeah, they also, like, you wouldn't want a woman in that position, washing a man like that. 1.00

01:51:15.000 No, no. 1.00

01:51:15.000 In San Diego, there's this massage parlor where they clean you first, and she, like, was lifting my legs up, cleaned my asshole, jacking me off, and then we went... 1.00

01:51:22.000 Let's see, that's... 1.00

01:51:24.000 Jacking me off.

01:51:24.000 Here, you see what I'm saying?

01:51:26.000 Like... 0.99

01:51:26.000 Girl would kind of be forced into that sort of an environment if she had to wash guys assholes like There's there's gonna be a certain amount of guys that want more than you to just wash their dick and wash their asshole Yeah, keep washing that it felt good though having somebody wash your electrical because I laid there and she washed me for like 20 minutes and it felt like oh my god I'm a baby again kind of it was like this weird feeling I hadn't felt in a while What I'm thinking is that having the girl removed from the equation 0.99

01:51:56.000 takes out the sex aspect of it.

01:51:58.000 That's why it's okay that the dude does it. 1.00

01:52:00.000 Because if the sex aspect of it is there, there's just a certain percentage of guys that are going to try to fuck that girl. 1.00

01:52:08.000 And so her job's, like, hazardous. 0.99

01:52:11.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:52:11.000 Like, if you don't want to fuck every other guy you wash all day, and you're grabbing their legs and washing their balls and assholes, how many dudes are going to try to fuck you? 1.00

01:52:19.000 It's like, could you imagine that kind of a work environment? 1.00

01:52:21.000 Where, like, you...

01:52:24.000 We're like, imagine if your job was being at the counter at Chipotle, and you were the guy who says, what can I get you?

01:52:36.000 You were the first guy on the whole chain of command, I'll have one of them steak bowls.

01:52:39.000 Alright dude, white rice or brown rice?

01:52:41.000 What if you're that guy, right?

01:52:45.000 Wait, what's going on here?

01:52:49.000 What are you talking about?

01:52:50.000 All I'm thinking about is a burrito.

01:52:53.000 I was like, yeah, I need a lot of them.

01:52:55.000 I completely lost my train of thought as soon as you started laughing.

01:52:59.000 Oh my God.

01:53:00.000 What was I saying before that? 1.00

01:53:03.000 We were talking about women washing your balls. 1.00

01:53:06.000 Oh my God, forget what I said. 1.00

01:53:08.000 I'll tell you my theory.

01:53:10.000 This may sound racist, but I'll say it out loud.

01:53:12.000 Anyway, I had a massage from a lady in Omaha who was black, and it was the best massage I ever got.

01:53:19.000 And the reason I thought was, she's not attracted to me at all.

01:53:22.000 I remember what I was going to say.

01:53:24.000 What if you went to Chipotle... 0.99

01:53:28.000 What if you worked at Chipotle, you were the first guy on the line, and you were the one who asked if you want a steak bowl, and 8 out of 10 people wanted to fuck you. 1.00

01:53:41.000 Eight out of ten people tried to fuck you while you were at work. 1.00

01:53:44.000 Can you imagine that kind of pressure of having a job like that? 0.99

01:53:48.000 Or how much I'd enjoy work. 1.00

01:53:49.000 That's what it would be like if it was a girl who was washing your asshole in your dick. 1.00

01:53:53.000 Eight out of ten guys would try to fuck her. 1.00

01:53:55.000 So it's a ridiculous job hazard. 1.00

01:53:57.000 Like if you had any other job, here's a better example. 1.00

01:53:59.000 If you were a guy who changed his tires at the local gas station, but everybody kept trying to fuck you. 0.99

01:54:05.000 You'd be like, Jesus Christ, I'm tired of working here. 1.00

01:54:08.000 I just want to change your tire.

01:54:09.000 That's all I want to do. 1.00

01:54:10.000 Well, if you have a guy in a loincloth and that guy's washing your balls and your asshole, maybe it removes any threat of sex. 1.00

01:54:19.000 It is. 1.00

01:54:20.000 It happens quickly.

01:54:21.000 Big giant Russian dude. 1.00

01:54:22.000 You don't get hard.

01:54:22.000 It happens quickly.

01:54:23.000 And I just tweeted it out, guys.

01:54:25.000 If you want to find it, it's RussianBathsNewYork.com.

01:54:30.000 Chad Shank just retweeted me.

01:54:33.000 But it's Russian bads New York. 1.00

01:54:35.000 And why?

01:54:35.000 And I'm telling you when I say this, and this is, I agree 100% what you're saying.

01:54:40.000 I don't think they're going to disappear because in our country, we respect, I'm going to say minorities, but we respect minorities not wanting to be a part, like wanting to have their own thing. 0.96

01:54:51.000 We just don't respect it with white people. 0.98

01:54:53.000 So forever, we're going to allow Russians and Koreans and Japanese and Asians to have their own little secret separate towns where, like, you can't do their shit because we go, as America, we're oversensitive. 1.00

01:55:06.000 We go, no, no, no, no, no. 0.99

01:55:08.000 We got that.

01:55:09.000 If you want to be a part of our clubs, you can do that. 0.98

01:55:10.000 We don't even give a fuck about your clubs. 0.98

01:55:13.000 There's karaoke spots, I don't know if you've ever been in Koreatown, that are fucking amazing. 0.99

01:55:19.000 You get a private room with private, like literally your own screen and your own video where you and a bunch of families could go in and do your own karaoke and it's so much fucking fun. 0.60

01:55:28.000 I've done it in Japan.

01:55:29.000 And it's a blast. 0.94

01:55:31.000 But you can't go if you're white in America. 0.93

01:55:33.000 What? 0.96

01:55:34.000 They won't let you in, man. 1.00

01:55:35.000 And if they let you in, they treat you like shit until you leave. 1.00

01:55:39.000 But, in America, we're totally going to allow that. 1.00

01:55:42.000 We're going to allow that forever.

01:55:43.000 It would be racist for us not to allow that.

01:55:45.000 For us to say, how dare you?

01:55:47.000 You need to let whites in. 1.00

01:55:48.000 They'd just shut it down.

01:55:49.000 They'd find another place to do it and they wouldn't tell us about it.

01:55:53.000 I'm telling you when I say this.

01:55:54.000 I just wish that wasn't the case.

01:55:57.000 I like the fact that those places exist and that it's like their culture, but why not let other people go visit your culture?

01:56:05.000 Why get mad?

01:56:06.000 Why want to kick white people out? 0.99

01:56:08.000 Dare I say it's natural? 0.98

01:56:10.000 Yeah.

01:56:11.000 Dare you say?

01:56:12.000 How dare you?

01:56:13.000 I picked that up from you.

01:56:16.000 But listen, think about it. 0.98

01:56:18.000 We didn't want black people to be in our country clubs or Jews. 1.00

01:56:21.000 I'm not saying me personally, but I'm saying my people. 0.92

01:56:24.000 But it was forced on them.

01:56:26.000 However, in Korean spas, they don't want white women just walking in and just getting undressed with tattoos. 1.00

01:56:33.000 They'd fucking kick you out. 0.99

01:56:34.000 But a lot of Korean spas let white women in. 1.00

01:56:36.000 Not with tattoos.

01:56:38.000 What?

01:56:38.000 Dude, Margaret Cho has a whole chunk.

01:56:40.000 I've heard her talk about it.

01:56:41.000 No kidding.

01:56:41.000 Yeah, it's shameful.

01:56:44.000 I know that's the way in Japan, because they have those things you put over your arms.

01:56:48.000 They wouldn't let me work out at the gym.

01:56:50.000 See?

01:56:50.000 Unless I had long-sleeved shirts on.

01:56:52.000 So my point is, and I'm saying this for conversation's sake, I'm not saying it as a point of view, but is it natural?

01:56:59.000 I mean, look at black churches. 0.99

01:57:02.000 You walk in as a white guy, a lot of times everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing here? 1.00

01:57:06.000 You go to an all-black church and you're just going, I just want to praise God with you guys. 1.00

01:57:09.000 Then they're like, okay, I mean, I guess we have to let you in. 0.74

01:57:12.000 We can't kick you out. 0.99

01:57:13.000 So I think what you're saying, like you go to these Russian bass plays, you walk in as a white guy, like not speaking Russian, and they're literally like, what the fuck are you doing here? 0.99

01:57:24.000 Is that natural?

01:57:25.000 It exists so often, it would be a hard argument to say it isn't natural because there's so many versions of it.

01:57:31.000 So many?

01:57:31.000 Yeah.

01:57:32.000 It's not that it's the right choice or that it's ultimately the way people are going to think and behave, but to have it exist and to have it be natural, I mean, it's obviously natural.

01:57:40.000 It's so common.

01:57:41.000 It wasn't so common.

01:57:43.000 If nationalism and racism on that level wasn't so common, it's more of a nationalism even than it is a racism.

01:57:50.000 There's some countries that are fiercely loyal to their country.

01:57:53.000 They don't want anybody else in.

01:57:55.000 They don't want to deal with you.

01:57:56.000 Australia was like that for a long time.

01:57:57.000 Was it really?

01:57:58.000 Yeah.

01:57:58.000 Asians couldn't immigrate.

01:58:00.000 I only noticed I wrote a paper in high school or college.

01:58:03.000 But Asians, they wouldn't allow Asians in. 1.00

01:58:05.000 It's changed.

01:58:06.000 I'm not saying Australia is like that now.

01:58:07.000 But then the second question is, okay, so we've said that it's...

01:58:11.000 That it's natural, then what is the difference?

01:58:15.000 I personally don't want those Russian baths and those Korean spas. 1.00

01:58:20.000 I don't want anyone to not have their own shit. 1.00

01:58:22.000 If you want to have it in this country, you should have it. 1.00

01:58:24.000 I totally agree.

01:58:25.000 Now, there's personally nothing I've ever grown up with in my life that I have that is just white male, you know?

01:58:31.000 So I've never really had that experience.

01:58:34.000 Although as a child, I would go into the country clubs and you'd see just old white men playing a thing. 0.81

01:58:39.000 But like, so I don't think it'll go away.

01:58:41.000 But then my question is, why do these liberals take away everything that is... 1.00

01:58:45.000 Fucking liberals. 0.99

01:58:46.000 Take away one thing, but then the stuff like the Korean spa or the karaoke place or the Russian baths, why don't they go in and protest them? 1.00

01:58:53.000 Well, because the idea is that these small communities, they...

01:58:59.000 Retain a bit of their homeland, a bit of their past, a bit of their culture in these areas.

01:59:06.000 And if you are a progressive person, the idea is that you're supposed to allow that kind of thinking because it preserves this unique culture.

01:59:15.000 I agree.

01:59:16.000 It's kind of delicate.

01:59:17.000 And it is delicate because the kids that are assimilating into our culture, the children of their children that are assimilating into these cities, like if they're first and second generation immigrants, they eventually become Americanized.

01:59:30.000 And these cool things like the Russian bathhouses or the Korean bathhouses, the banyas, there's a bunch of them, right?

01:59:37.000 Aren't there a bunch of different cool ethnic little things that people do?

01:59:41.000 Dude, that would be a show.

01:59:41.000 That would be a show.

01:59:42.000 I'd watch that on Viceland or on Travel Channel.

01:59:44.000 It's kind of interesting, right?

01:59:45.000 It's interesting to see all the different ways that people do things.

01:59:48.000 And if we start putting targets in Kmarts all across the world, and that becomes everything, and we all learn each other's language, and everything slides into one set of rules for the whole planet, it probably won't be as fun.

02:00:02.000 I mean, I never really had a culture, so to speak, because we were transplants from the North into Florida.

02:00:07.000 So, like, I never was Southern, because my parents were from New York and Philly.

02:00:10.000 Like, I never felt Southern, so I never, like, got attached to the...

02:00:13.000 Were you born in Florida?

02:00:14.000 I was born in Florida, but I never...

02:00:17.000 Oh, my parents were very liberal, and so we didn't grow up saying the N-word.

02:00:21.000 We didn't have a rebel flag in front of our yard.

02:00:24.000 So, I don't have any, like...

02:00:26.000 I always say this a lot.

02:00:27.000 I never have any civic pride, nor do I have any culture...

02:00:31.000 Other than, like, Irish. 1.00

02:00:33.000 You know, I grew up, like, Irish was the thing.

02:00:36.000 Right.

02:00:36.000 So, I would never want to lose the authenticity of Koreatown or Chinatown or even the exclusiveness.

02:00:47.000 Like, going to a Korean restaurant, one of my buddies is Roy Choi.

02:00:50.000 I haven't talked to him in forever, but we used to live next.

02:00:53.000 He's the chef.

02:00:54.000 I think you've had him on the podcast.

02:00:56.000 And he took us...

02:01:00.000 He does the Kogi Taco Truck.

02:01:02.000 I had him on the podcast?

02:01:04.000 Yeah.

02:01:04.000 No.

02:01:05.000 No, you did 100% sure.

02:01:06.000 You thinking of Eddie Huang?

02:01:08.000 Nope.

02:01:08.000 He came in with Eddie Huang, but Roy Choi is a very famous chef.

02:01:12.000 One of the most famous chefs in L.A. right now.

02:01:15.000 What episode was this?

02:01:16.000 Type in Roy Choi, Joe Rogan.

02:01:19.000 I promise you because I watched it.

02:01:21.000 So he was with Eddie?

02:01:23.000 Yeah.

02:01:24.000 No?

02:01:24.000 No, he was.

02:01:26.000 No, I'm 100% certain.

02:01:28.000 Well, I bet Google's right.

02:01:31.000 No, I'm 100% certain.

02:01:33.000 Eddie Wong came in one time with the guy that was in that movie, The Interview.

02:01:36.000 I'm going to go to the mats on this one.

02:01:39.000 I'm looking at it right now.

02:01:40.000 I just Googled it.

02:01:41.000 And you're wrong.

02:01:42.000 So, okay, guys, you're listening live.

02:01:44.000 Bert Kreischer is going deep, and he's taking chances with his predictions.

02:01:49.000 He's challenging young Jamie on the air.

02:01:53.000 Roy Choi.

02:01:54.000 I think we got a little too high before this show.

02:01:56.000 Joe Rogan.

02:01:57.000 I'm going to be honest with you. 0.93

02:01:58.000 We got a little ridiculous. 0.96

02:02:00.000 Roy Choi. 0.95

02:02:01.000 Did I misspell it?

02:02:03.000 Roy Choi, Joe Rogan Experience with Brian, Stan.

02:02:06.000 Hmm.

02:02:07.000 What?

02:02:08.000 No, that's definitely not true.

02:02:10.000 It says Roy Choi, I promise you.

02:02:12.000 Well, Brian Stan was definitely by himself.

02:02:15.000 Right?

02:02:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:02:17.000 Can someone please just tweet the fucking answer to me? 0.99

02:02:20.000 Because I promise you I saw it. 0.99

02:02:22.000 Probably should make these people do the work when you're not doing the work. 0.99

02:02:25.000 Because I'm too fucked to do that. 0.99

02:02:27.000 Oh, okay. 0.99

02:02:27.000 But I promise you he was in here one time. 0.99

02:02:29.000 I know he's wrong, but I'm like, God damn, is he right? 0.97

02:02:32.000 No. 0.99

02:02:33.000 Roy Choi. 1.00

02:02:34.000 Fucking Jamie! 1.00

02:02:35.000 Roy Choi created the taco truck craze. 0.99

02:02:39.000 He's good friends with Anthony Bourdain.

02:02:42.000 Sorry. 0.96

02:02:43.000 Maybe you're spelling it wrong, racist. 0.97

02:02:45.000 Whoa. 0.99

02:02:46.000 How dare you.

02:02:47.000 How dare you cast upon him a moniker that cannot be shaken.

02:02:51.000 So, anyway. 1.00

02:02:52.000 Damn. 0.99

02:02:53.000 I don't even know where I was going with this point. 0.99

02:02:54.000 Do you have any more wine?

02:02:57.000 It's getting hot in here.

02:02:58.000 We have all sorts of different types of alcohol.

02:02:59.000 We're probably out of wine.

02:03:01.000 Are we out of wine, young Jamie?

02:03:02.000 Jamie's going to find out.

02:03:03.000 But I don't know where my point with this is going.

02:03:05.000 Oh, he took me and my wife to...

02:03:07.000 He took me and my wife to...

02:03:12.000 To Koreatown to go eat Korean barbecue because he wanted to teach us real Korean barbecue, like what they eat, not the kind that we believe it is.

02:03:18.000 And it was interesting.

02:03:19.000 We went in there and no one spoke.

02:03:21.000 Not only were there any white people, no one spoke English that worked there.

02:03:25.000 And so we actually were complete and total tourists in our own town and just sat and watched him order.

02:03:31.000 And he just was like, don't worry.

02:03:33.000 And it was a really fascinating experience.

02:03:35.000 Would I want that place to ever go away? 1.00

02:03:37.000 Never in a million fucking years I want those places to last as long as son of a bitch. 1.00

02:03:44.000 Champagne. 1.00

02:03:44.000 Motherfucker brought out champagne. 1.00

02:03:46.000 Damn fancy. 1.00

02:03:47.000 Goddamn. 1.00

02:03:48.000 Is this because you're wrong? 1.00

02:03:49.000 Did a motherfucker have a birthday? 1.00

02:03:53.000 But I believe in that. 1.00

02:03:56.000 But then again, on the same liberal side of the fence, because maybe I'm a libertarian or whatever I am.

02:04:01.000 I'm a liberal.

02:04:01.000 I'm a conservative liberal.

02:04:03.000 You're a conservative liberal?

02:04:04.000 Yeah.

02:04:05.000 What are you liberal about?

02:04:07.000 Like gay rights? 0.63

02:04:08.000 Every rights.

02:04:08.000 All rights.

02:04:09.000 All human rights.

02:04:10.000 All female, gay rights, transgender, you name it. 0.99

02:04:13.000 I don't want you to feel like shit if I can help that. 0.99

02:04:16.000 That's my job as a comic. 0.83

02:04:17.000 My only goal is to make people laugh.

02:04:19.000 Why would I ever want anyone to feel bad about their day?

02:04:21.000 That's not my M.O. Beautiful.

02:04:24.000 And what are you conservative about?

02:04:27.000 I like blacks.

02:04:35.000 No, the right to tell that joke to you. 0.89

02:04:37.000 Yes.

02:04:38.000 Because that's what I'm conservative about.

02:04:39.000 Well, is that conservative anymore?

02:04:40.000 Yes, it is.

02:04:41.000 Is it still conservative value to be able to express yourself in a way that would be offensive?

02:04:46.000 Did you see that recent ruling?

02:04:48.000 Young Jamie, pull this up because it's kind of interesting.

02:04:50.000 The court ruled against this idea that there should be laws against...

02:04:57.000 Calm down, Brian.

02:04:59.000 He's about to release the Kraken.

02:05:01.000 He's going to open his cork.

02:05:04.000 And Brian is terrified.

02:05:05.000 I'll burp it.

02:05:05.000 Like he's never been to the gun range.

02:05:07.000 No, I've had one of those hit me in the eye before.

02:05:11.000 Oh, there you go, Brian.

02:05:11.000 You are partying with the wrong people, son.

02:05:13.000 I want you to mix it into that wine and make a fine rosé, a Zinfandel or some shit. 0.99

02:05:18.000 A wine cooler. 1.00

02:05:20.000 Oh, look at that bad bitch. 1.00

02:05:21.000 That's like a watermelon lime cooler. 1.00

02:05:23.000 Bartles and James.

02:05:24.000 Bartles and James.

02:05:25.000 Strawberry, right?

02:05:26.000 Peach and strawberry.

02:05:27.000 I'm not drinking with you. 1.00

02:05:29.000 Double it up, motherfucker. 1.00

02:05:31.000 I can't drink during the day. 1.00

02:05:32.000 I'll take one to the chin.

02:05:33.000 Hey, listen.

02:05:35.000 What?

02:05:36.000 I'm getting hammered right now.

02:05:38.000 Yeah, we're all hammered.

02:05:39.000 We're all stoned, too.

02:05:41.000 You just said you went, take it on the chin, after giving a story about a man massaging you.

02:05:45.000 That's not what he meant, bro.

02:05:46.000 I'm really let down on the internet, not backing me up with this Roy Choi thing, and I'm starting to think, Jamie's right!

02:05:51.000 Well, I'm pretty sure he's right.

02:05:53.000 He's not right.

02:05:54.000 He's right almost all the time.

02:05:57.000 Is that racist?

02:05:58.000 It might be!

02:05:59.000 Is that racist?

02:06:00.000 It's just a gong.

02:06:02.000 Can we get away with the gong before anybody gets mad?

02:06:05.000 David Cho?

02:06:05.000 Is that who you're thinking of?

02:06:06.000 No, it's Roy Choi! 0.99

02:06:09.000 I want to fucking call him. 0.99

02:06:11.000 Oh my god. 0.99

02:06:11.000 There's nothing. 0.99

02:06:12.000 This is Roy Choi.

02:06:14.000 He was in here.

02:06:15.000 Sorry, son.

02:06:15.000 I'm looking at all the Eddie Wong episodes.

02:06:17.000 Especially if he was in here.

02:06:18.000 He wasn't in here.

02:06:19.000 Sweetie, it's okay.

02:06:20.000 Jamie!

02:06:21.000 I'm sorry.

02:06:22.000 I mean, this is the only place I've worked here.

02:06:24.000 It was in this building, and I pretty much remember every single one.

02:06:27.000 It would have to be super old school, like to the point where I don't remember it anymore.

02:06:31.000 Last time you were on the show, we drove home together, or the time before, and you talked about your friend.

02:06:36.000 So it must have been within the last...

02:06:39.000 Three months then.

02:06:40.000 I only know this because he's done Bourdain.

02:06:42.000 You have a tumor. 0.99

02:06:42.000 You have a brain tumor. 0.99

02:06:44.000 Something's going on in your back.

02:06:45.000 Are you dehydrated?

02:06:48.000 He's done Bourdain's show, and he's done your podcast, and he'd do neither for me.

02:06:52.000 So I remember going, like, at Bourdain, I get it.

02:06:54.000 Why wouldn't you go on with Bourdain, one of the greatest people on television for chefs?

02:06:59.000 But I was like, podcast-wise, I was like, and I get why you do Joe, but throw me a bone, Roy.

02:07:06.000 He's a good guy.

02:07:07.000 He's a great guy.

02:07:08.000 But his...

02:07:09.000 I don't want to get removed from the podcast.

02:07:12.000 Eddie Huang.

02:07:13.000 And Shane Smith, I guarantee you...

02:07:15.000 Hold on.

02:07:15.000 No, no, no.

02:07:16.000 Go to the video.

02:07:17.000 Go to the video and see if there's another Asian guy.

02:07:18.000 Was there another Asian guy in here with him? 1.00

02:07:20.000 No, you son of a bitch. 1.00

02:07:20.000 I told you the one time there was, it was... 1.00

02:07:22.000 It was the dude from...

02:07:24.000 I love that dude.

02:07:25.000 That dude's great.

02:07:26.000 He was from that show.

02:07:27.000 The show Off...

02:07:28.000 Was it Off the Boat?

02:07:30.000 Off the Boat?

02:07:31.000 What was it, Off the Boat?

02:07:32.000 Yeah, and he's on the TV show.

02:07:33.000 Fresh Off the Boat.

02:07:35.000 Fresh off the boat?

02:07:36.000 Okay, I know what I'm doing tonight.

02:07:38.000 It's no big deal, dude.

02:07:39.000 You can be wrong.

02:07:40.000 I think you're wrong.

02:07:41.000 Don't attach your whole life to this.

02:07:42.000 It's just too hard to win at everything in life.

02:07:45.000 You've got to let some certain losses, they're going to come your way, and you've got to regroup, and you've got to pick up the paces.

02:07:51.000 Paces?

02:07:52.000 Paces.

02:07:53.000 Pick up the pieces and move on with your life, Bird Christ. 0.99

02:07:56.000 I'm a bigger fan of your podcast than you are of your podcast.

02:07:59.000 You're a beautiful person.

02:08:00.000 I watch all of them.

02:08:01.000 How could you ever say that?

02:08:03.000 The Joe Rogan forum is not saying anything either.

02:08:05.000 David Cho found it.

02:08:07.000 I don't even think anybody named Roy has been on the podcast.

02:08:09.000 He came on with David Cho?

02:08:10.000 Yep.

02:08:11.000 He did?

02:08:12.000 Yeah, he is.

02:08:12.000 He's right here.

02:08:13.000 David has been on a few times.

02:08:16.000 Maybe he came to one of the Ice House Chronicles?

02:08:18.000 Was it an Ice House Chronicle?

02:08:19.000 Nope. 1.00

02:08:20.000 I'm going through this whole fucking thing. 1.00

02:08:21.000 Was it on David's show? 0.99

02:08:22.000 I did David's show once.

02:08:24.000 I bet that's it.

02:08:25.000 If it was 592 with David Cho, it was the one episode I wasn't here. 0.99

02:08:29.000 Oh, shit. 0.86

02:08:30.000 Could have been the one episode, but Jamie wasn't here. 0.99

02:08:32.000 He was on 563. That can't be that.

02:08:37.000 You sure it wasn't David Cho's podcast when Joe Rogan was on that podcast?

02:08:42.000 No.

02:08:42.000 Could have been.

02:08:43.000 I think that makes more sense.

02:08:45.000 Number 592?

02:08:47.000 I have a hard time believing.

02:08:48.000 This is horrible podcasting.

02:08:50.000 No, it's not.

02:08:50.000 I have a hard time believing we've actually done 750 podcasts.

02:08:54.000 I was on 592. 769. 769. 69, bro.

02:08:59.000 You've done 769 podcasts?

02:09:01.000 Indeed.

02:09:03.000 Preposterous.

02:09:04.000 That's great, man. 0.99

02:09:05.000 Ridiculous. 0.95

02:09:05.000 I like what you did. 0.95

02:09:06.000 I think I may have told you this one night. 0.99

02:09:08.000 Fucked up. 0.99

02:09:09.000 I'm very... 0.99

02:09:11.000 I'm envious in the sense that what you've done, and only that I could not do it, begin it now.

02:09:16.000 What you did is you kind of took the renaissance to yourself, and you allowed people that think differently than you to come to you and talk to you, and you got to kind of soak in their information like a sponge. 0.84

02:09:26.000 As a stand-up man, that is like, that's the fucking, that's what we all should be doing. 0.90

02:09:31.000 Instead of just sitting around and going, what does this guy think about airplanes? 0.98

02:09:35.000 You know what I mean?

02:09:36.000 You really kind of broaden the spectrum of what you want to talk about.

02:09:39.000 On stage, and I remember hearing Chris Rock say that he got invited to Cornell Wallace's house for Sunday dinners.

02:09:46.000 And right before he did his most monumental hour.

02:09:49.000 And he was like, you know, it was really cool.

02:09:50.000 I didn't say anything.

02:09:51.000 I just would sit and listen to all these great black...

02:09:53.000 Cornell Wallace or West?

02:09:54.000 Cornell West.

02:09:55.000 My bad.

02:09:56.000 Hey, Bert, Roy Troy was an episode of getting dug with high with Horatio Sanz.

02:10:02.000 Horatio and me have often been confused. 0.87

02:10:07.000 Racist!

02:10:09.000 There's no way. 0.98

02:10:11.000 Am I thinking of getting Doug with high?

02:10:13.000 Yes.

02:10:13.000 Yes, you are.

02:10:15.000 Are you serious?

02:10:15.000 Yes.

02:10:16.000 Yo, it happens.

02:10:17.000 Let it go.

02:10:19.000 Just embrace the loss.

02:10:20.000 Take it on the chin.

02:10:22.000 Move forward.

02:10:23.000 Soldier on, sir.

02:10:26.000 It's no big deal.

02:10:27.000 Bert won't admit it.

02:10:28.000 Look at him.

02:10:28.000 Very competitive.

02:10:29.000 Very competitive.

02:10:30.000 Yeah, it's getting Doug with high.

02:10:32.000 You know, you realize Doug's competitive Burt's competitive.

02:10:37.000 I'm not competitive at all.

02:10:39.000 I'm the opposite of competitive.

02:10:40.000 No, you're not.

02:10:41.000 I'll let you walk all over me before I try to beat you. 1.00

02:10:43.000 No, no, no, no.

02:10:43.000 100%.

02:10:44.000 I shot skeet shoot with Burt.

02:10:46.000 He's very competitive.

02:10:47.000 Don't let him lie to you.

02:10:48.000 When he plays pool, very competitive.

02:10:50.000 You're a secretly competitive guy. 0.99

02:10:52.000 You don't want people to know you're competitive because competitive people are aggressive and aggressive people make people uncomfortable and uncomfortable people are assholes, right? 1.00

02:11:01.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:11:03.000 Save that file and make it my ringtone. 1.00

02:11:06.000 Secretly competitive.

02:11:07.000 People who are openly competitive are also open to a lot of criticism.

02:11:11.000 So you're secretly competitive. 1.00

02:11:13.000 Blocked a motherfucker today. 1.00

02:11:15.000 He's really good at skeet. 1.00

02:11:17.000 He's good at shooting those clay pigeons.

02:11:19.000 Way better than me.

02:11:20.000 Yeah, he shoots on his Fitbit, too, because he knows that our accounts are connected.

02:11:24.000 So he just goes like this real fast for the steps.

02:11:28.000 No, I put up my dog.

02:11:29.000 The... 1.00

02:11:32.000 Put it on your dog's dick and give him a stuffed animal. 1.00

02:11:37.000 I had a buddy of mine in high school and he had this fucking dog. 1.00

02:11:40.000 It was the most ornery little dog, like a little poodle, little type of fucking thing. 1.00

02:11:44.000 And this thing would fuck stuffed animals. 1.00

02:11:47.000 And it had a stuffed animal that was his girlfriend. 1.00

02:11:50.000 And he would bite this stuffed animal in the neck and drag it around and he would just fuck it. 1.00

02:11:54.000 It's weird when girl animals still hump. 1.00

02:11:57.000 This is a buddy of mine, Joe Spagnoli.

02:12:00.000 Did you know that girl animals still hump because it's still in their DNA? It has nothing to do about sex. 1.00

02:12:05.000 What do you mean?

02:12:06.000 It's supposed to be like, I'm dominating this other thing.

02:12:11.000 Oh, like a girl will get on top of a dog and hump them? 1.00

02:12:15.000 Yeah.

02:12:16.000 Totally, man.

02:12:17.000 They do that to dominate them. 0.99

02:12:19.000 That's fucked up, right? 0.99

02:12:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:12:22.000 They mimic fucking to dominate. 1.00

02:12:27.000 A female will do that. 1.00

02:12:28.000 It's funny, my wife withholds it to dominate. 0.99

02:12:33.000 That's what they do.

02:12:35.000 That's what they do. 1.00

02:12:36.000 God damn it, Bert. 1.00

02:12:37.000 It's a goddamn shell game. 1.00

02:12:38.000 It is with me right now. 1.00

02:12:40.000 You ever see the female hyenas?

02:12:42.000 No. 0.99

02:12:43.000 They have dicks. 0.99

02:12:44.000 Hold on. 0.98

02:12:44.000 Have you ever seen a hyena up close? 0.98

02:12:46.000 No.

02:12:47.000 I don't even think I've seen one at the zoo.

02:12:49.000 Maybe I've seen one at the zoo. 0.99

02:12:50.000 Fucking massive. 1.00

02:12:51.000 Oh, they're big animals. 1.00

02:12:52.000 It's like 200 pounds, right?

02:12:54.000 It has to be bigger.

02:12:56.000 Really? 0.99

02:12:57.000 I saw one up within five feet of it, and I literally said, if that thing rolled through your neighborhood, you'd think it was a fucking werewolf. 0.99

02:13:05.000 It's one of the most powerful bites of all the mammals, too. 0.99

02:13:09.000 Incredibly powerful jaws.

02:13:11.000 Low hindquarters, almost like a gorilla, bared up. 0.95

02:13:15.000 Brian Callen told me this fucking story once about this, I guess, I don't remember if it was a guy or a girl, but you're getting a third-hand stoned version of this story, but someone was training hyenas, and they rolled their ankle, and they had a limp. 0.95

02:13:32.000 And as soon as the hyena realized they had a limp, even though they had trained this hyena, the hyena attacked them and took a chunk out of their calf, just clamped down on them and bit them and they had to fight it off and it couldn't help itself. 0.97

02:13:45.000 It saw her like limping and it's...

02:13:47.000 Instincts took over.

02:13:48.000 DNA just kicked in, even though like this person was trained.

02:13:52.000 I don't remember if it was a guy or a girl. 1.00

02:13:53.000 If they were training this fucking hyena, like when the shit hit the fan, when the hyena saw a limp, it's nature. 1.00

02:14:01.000 It's like programming kicked in. 1.00

02:14:04.000 That's nuts, man.

02:14:06.000 Like the nature-nurture argument, I guess it didn't work on hyenas. 1.00

02:14:11.000 Fuck no, man. 1.00

02:14:12.000 These things are monsters. 1.00

02:14:15.000 They're really weird.

02:14:17.000 It's a weird animal, man.

02:14:18.000 The females are bigger than the males. 0.98

02:14:21.000 Look at them.

02:14:23.000 Dude, come on.

02:14:24.000 That's not an avatar animal.

02:14:25.000 That's a real animal. 1.00

02:14:26.000 That is a total goddamn avatar animal. 1.00

02:14:29.000 Living in Africa with lions. 1.00

02:14:30.000 Look at that cock. 1.00

02:14:31.000 This picture is amazing. 0.99

02:14:32.000 It might not be a cock. 1.00

02:14:34.000 It might be a female cock. 1.00

02:14:35.000 The babies come out of those things, too, dude. 1.00

02:14:37.000 That's what's crazy. 1.00

02:14:38.000 The babies come out of their dick? 1.00

02:14:40.000 Yep. 1.00

02:14:40.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure. 1.00

02:14:43.000 That's so funny. 1.00

02:14:44.000 Is that like used as the same as a cock or is it just like a woman, like a female has a pussy boner sometimes it comes out like her clit and it's long and hard. 1.00

02:14:54.000 No, no, no, no, no. 1.00

02:14:55.000 This is a, it's called a faux penis. 1.00

02:14:57.000 I think it's the only mammal that has a faux penis. 1.00

02:15:00.000 I don't know if any reptiles or fish have one, but it's a fake penis. 1.00

02:15:04.000 And that fake penis is also where the babies come out. 1.00

02:15:08.000 So if it's a female, the female has sex. 1.00

02:15:12.000 I don't know how the fuck she has sex. 1.00

02:15:14.000 Can we not see the birth video? 1.00

02:15:17.000 If the baby comes out of there, where does the male have sex?

02:15:20.000 Jamie, investigate. 1.00

02:15:22.000 Where does the male stick his dick into? 1.00

02:15:25.000 Jamie, I know this. 1.00

02:15:26.000 It's called docking.

02:15:27.000 Hyena giving birth on safari.

02:15:29.000 Jamie, let's see this.

02:15:31.000 Google male talking.

02:15:32.000 Oh, Jesus!

02:15:33.000 What happened?

02:15:34.000 What happened?

02:15:34.000 I missed it.

02:15:34.000 She's watching a lot of baby stuff come out of her pussy hole.

02:15:38.000 Pussy dick. 1.00

02:15:38.000 You can't say pussy if it's an animal, because you look like a creep. 1.00

02:15:41.000 Oh, it just comes out in a sack. 1.00

02:15:42.000 If you say animal's pussy, you seem like a real creep. 1.00

02:15:45.000 Yeah, but vagina even sounds worse. 1.00

02:15:47.000 But look at that fucking sack! 1.00

02:15:49.000 Oh! 1.00

02:15:51.000 Good golly.

02:15:53.000 Look at that thing, man.

02:15:55.000 What a weird animal. 1.00

02:15:58.000 And what a harsh, harsh fucking place to live. 1.00

02:16:01.000 Did you see that picture I posted on Instagram the other day? 0.99

02:16:03.000 Somebody posted it on the message board and I found it on the Google.

02:16:09.000 Or I copied and pasted it.

02:16:11.000 I don't remember which one it was, but it's a lion with a...

02:16:15.000 Whoa. 1.00

02:16:16.000 Is that the female fucking the male? 1.00

02:16:18.000 Or mating? 1.00

02:16:18.000 This is an actual mating. 1.00

02:16:20.000 Mating hyenas at the zoo.

02:16:24.000 Oh my god.

02:16:25.000 So that's where we got it.

02:16:28.000 Oh god. 1.00

02:16:31.000 What in the fuck? 1.00

02:16:32.000 By the way, my wife gives that same face sometimes like, wrap it up big boy, people are watching. 1.00

02:16:37.000 This is horrific.

02:16:38.000 Oh my god, he's going to town! 1.00

02:16:40.000 He's going yard on that pussy! 1.00

02:16:42.000 But it's almost like he's like barely alive. 1.00

02:16:44.000 Like he's trying to climb a fence and he can't quite get over it.

02:16:48.000 You know?

02:16:48.000 It doesn't look violent.

02:16:50.000 It looks like he's a dying person trying to make it over a fence.

02:16:52.000 And the noises he's making, it sounds like Esther Ku. 0.98

02:16:57.000 And he checks after. 0.99

02:16:58.000 After he shoots his load in there, he starts licking her. 1.00

02:17:00.000 Oh, he cream-pied. 1.00

02:17:02.000 Disgusting. 1.00

02:17:03.000 Cream-pied? 0.99

02:17:05.000 And she's just frozen there.

02:17:07.000 Look at her.

02:17:07.000 She's like, what just happened?

02:17:09.000 That never happened before.

02:17:11.000 What just happened? 0.99

02:17:12.000 You gotta think, that's probably the first time she's ever been fucked, right? 0.99

02:17:16.000 That hyena? 1.00

02:17:17.000 The female? 0.98

02:17:18.000 No. 1.00

02:17:19.000 She's been being fucked since she was a pup. 1.00

02:17:20.000 I promise you that. 1.00

02:17:22.000 I don't mean to sound racist about hyenas, but I have a feeling of fucking monsters. 0.99

02:17:26.000 But don't they have rules in the hyena community? 0.99

02:17:28.000 No! 1.00

02:17:28.000 When you can fuck your kids? 1.00

02:17:29.000 No! 1.00

02:17:30.000 They all fuck kids! 1.00

02:17:32.000 Manatees! 1.00

02:17:33.000 Right now, I'm gonna get hate mail.

02:17:35.000 What would you pick?

02:17:36.000 Ready?

02:17:37.000 Safari with your children. 0.98

02:17:40.000 Right?

02:17:40.000 Right.

02:17:40.000 Full safari, see all the animals.

02:17:42.000 Or hunting trip, one of the good ones where it's conservative and the money goes back to the people.

02:17:49.000 I don't want to go hunt in Africa.

02:17:51.000 Really?

02:17:51.000 I can't imagine any conservation argument that you could ever make, which is like one of the most important arguments for hunting.

02:18:00.000 I can't imagine any conservation effort you would make where it's like to get your meat, you're going to get in a plane and you're going to fly across the ocean.

02:18:11.000 It's going to take you 16 hours and then you're going to kill something over there and then you're going to bring it back on a plane all the way to California or the way to Michigan or wherever you live.

02:18:23.000 The only reason why I'd be going over there is because I enjoyed hunting.

02:18:26.000 And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

02:18:28.000 But I haven't crossed into that yet.

02:18:30.000 Yeah.

02:18:31.000 Like, I'm not into...

02:18:32.000 And I shouldn't even say yet, because I don't think I ever will.

02:18:35.000 I'm never going to shoot a lion.

02:18:36.000 I don't want to shoot anything I don't want to eat.

02:18:38.000 I don't want to go...

02:18:39.000 I just don't have a desire to, like...

02:18:43.000 Go and shoot something that I would never bring home and eat.

02:18:48.000 Like, those things are sort of, they don't make any sense to me. 0.98

02:18:51.000 I get how they need to happen. 0.95

02:18:54.000 Like, you know, Zimbabwe, this is an article recently about the Cecil the Lion thing that's kind of fucked up. 0.81

02:18:58.000 They're going to cull 200 lions in Zimbabwe because hunters aren't going there anymore.

02:19:03.000 So they have too many lions, so because they have too many lions, the cows, the undulates, the wild animals that they have roaming around through the fields, apparently they're getting devastated.

02:19:14.000 So their solution is to go out and cull 200 lions, which means they're going to shoot them. 0.86

02:19:18.000 Not only is it not going to give them any money, but they're going to have to pay money to someone to go out there and find these lions and shoot them. 0.96

02:19:25.000 So it comes at a deficit.

02:19:29.000 Zimbabwe Park to call 200 lions, sight, lack of hunters.

02:19:33.000 So since there's, look, it's not, see, again, I'm not saying that you should go hunt a lion.

02:19:39.000 I would never, I would never, I have no interest in killing a lion ever.

02:19:43.000 No interest.

02:19:43.000 However, however, how much, so like, let's ballpark it.

02:19:46.000 $50,000 for each lion.

02:19:48.000 So if they're going to do 200 lions, it'd be, what is that?

02:19:51.000 $10 million? 0.99

02:19:52.000 Damn, this is hurting my felines. 0.99

02:19:54.000 No, it's not that much. 0.99

02:19:56.000 $10 million.

02:19:57.000 It's a million, right?

02:19:58.000 $2 million?

02:19:58.000 No, it's $10 million.

02:19:59.000 Wait a minute.

02:20:00.000 How many people is it?

02:20:01.000 It was $50,000, and how many lions?

02:20:04.000 200. It's Roy Choi, it's $10 million.

02:20:08.000 So if it was 100,000 lions, and it was 100 hunters, it would be...

02:20:15.000 Or $100,000.

02:20:16.000 Brian, do the math real quick.

02:20:18.000 It's $10 million.

02:20:20.000 It's $10 million.

02:20:21.000 It's $10 million, guys.

02:20:25.000 It was Roy Choi.

02:20:26.000 It's $10 million.

02:20:27.000 It's 200 lions and $50,000 a lion, right?

02:20:31.000 So they missed out on all that money.

02:20:33.000 $10 million that could keep the pride healthy.

02:20:37.000 How is it $10 million?

02:20:38.000 Because if it's $100,000 and there's 100 lions, isn't that...

02:20:45.000 No, a hundred thousand dollars.

02:20:46.000 Yeah, it's ten million bucks.

02:20:51.000 I hope they're drinking and partying with us.

02:20:54.000 For sure people are. 0.99

02:20:56.000 I might be the dumbest person at math that's ever lived. 0.99

02:21:00.000 It's like sports. 1.00

02:21:02.000 I'm in the top three dumbest people at math. 0.98

02:21:05.000 Sports and math. 0.99

02:21:06.000 I just had a visual.

02:21:07.000 This should be a sketch.

02:21:09.000 Joe with his daughter doing math and her going... 0.98

02:21:11.000 I'm like, I don't fucking know. 0.98

02:21:12.000 And then him just stopping and going, want to learn an armbar? 0.95

02:21:16.000 This is what I learned when I was in high school.

02:21:20.000 Calculators.

02:21:22.000 They're always right, and we're not going to run out of batteries. 0.99

02:21:25.000 So what you do is you go to a calculator, and in my fucking brain, I was done, dude. 0.96

02:21:31.000 Numbers were not even remotely important to me. 0.98

02:21:34.000 The quest to calculate things, and I get that it's a nice little game, it's a little puzzle for your mind, but it's not interesting enough for me.

02:21:44.000 Do you remember when they told you, oh, and you'll just carry a calculator in your pocket around all day, or are you going to learn how to do math?

02:21:49.000 And you're like, oh, yeah. 1.00

02:21:49.000 I'll carry a calculator, stupid. 1.00

02:21:51.000 Turns out I do! 1.00

02:21:52.000 Turns out I got one, and my wife has one on her wrist! 0.68

02:21:55.000 How often did it come up?

02:21:57.000 I mean, I knew how to, like, carry the money.

02:21:59.000 If I worked at a register, someone gave you a 20, and, you know, $7.50 due back and change, you knew how to dish that out. 0.98

02:22:07.000 Bro, I always fuck that one up. 0.96

02:22:09.000 I would always go, so you gave me 20 bucks. 0.94

02:22:11.000 You paid $16.

02:22:13.000 Well, here's four.

02:22:13.000 And then here's the change.

02:22:14.000 I always give him a dollar extra.

02:22:16.000 I never did the math of like three and then whatever the math is.

02:22:21.000 It's so funny.

02:22:23.000 Mathematics is a weird thing because it's the simple mathematics, like calculations, like addition, multiplication, division, stuff that you have to do in your head that everybody associates with math, like, oh, god, math is so boring.

02:22:36.000 But then you get to weird math, like math that's kind of solving equations about, like, how big a black hole is and trying to figure out, like, Gravity waves and they're doing a lot of that stuff with mathematics and they're analyzing data and measuring and calculating and trying to figure out like the the way the fucking universe works and it's all with some strange math that you got to go deep [...

02:23:06.000 get to that goodwill hunting shit that they That blows my mind Someone make one video of just explaining that kind of problem And what's the deal with remainders? 0.88

02:23:17.000 I don't understand. 0.99

02:23:18.000 I don't understand. 0.99

02:23:19.000 You sound like the same clown posse right now. 0.97

02:23:22.000 And what's the deal with the remainders? 0.98

02:23:24.000 Magnets, how do they work?

02:23:29.000 By the way, in a parallel universe, everyone's drinking at Doug Stanhope's house watching this. 0.99

02:23:34.000 What a great fucking life this is. 0.99

02:23:36.000 It's hilarious. 1.00

02:23:38.000 Fucking magnets. 1.00

02:23:39.000 How do they work, bro? 1.00

02:23:40.000 I gotta credit Brian Poussain for fucking interning me on to that. 0.98

02:23:43.000 He said that somewhere and I heard him say that and I fucking laughed. 0.98

02:23:46.000 Dude, I gotta say two things. 0.99

02:23:49.000 Steve Agee is one of the funniest motherfuckers alive. 0.99

02:23:51.000 That guy is so fucking talented. 0.99

02:23:53.000 Next thing. 0.99

02:23:54.000 MCT oil in your shakes.

02:23:55.000 Don't put a lot or you'll poop yourself and die.

02:23:58.000 Strong advice.

02:24:00.000 I'm being dead serious.

02:24:01.000 I put a teaspoon in.

02:24:02.000 Tablespoon, tablespoon.

02:24:03.000 Yeah, a couple tablespoons, you'd be fine.

02:24:05.000 Do you find that it binds to you longer?

02:24:08.000 And you...

02:24:10.000 Binds to you?

02:24:10.000 So I do my shakes.

02:24:12.000 My shakes are like a dick load of kale, almond milk, your protein. 1.00

02:24:19.000 How do you pack your dick? 1.00

02:24:20.000 With a stick? 1.00

02:24:21.000 When you get a dick load, are you wrapping it around the outside? 1.00

02:24:25.000 With baby powder. 1.00

02:24:26.000 How do you do a dick load? 0.99

02:24:28.000 I fill it all the way to the top of kale, and then I push it down a little bit. 0.99

02:24:31.000 I put some frozen fruit in there, usually blueberries or something.

02:24:34.000 I do your hemp protein, and then I do Mean Green from Trader Joe's, and that's my shake.

02:24:43.000 But then I just heard you say somewhere that MCT oil helps bind the proteins or helps bind the nutrients to your fat cells.

02:24:51.000 I think it was Rob Wolf that told me that. 0.99

02:24:53.000 Who the fuck told me that? 0.99

02:24:55.000 One of those guys. 1.00

02:24:56.000 So I was doing my shakes, and I was noticing shitting like a wolf within two hours. 0.91

02:25:01.000 Before the MCT oil. 0.90

02:25:03.000 I take the MCT. How's the wolf shit? 1.00

02:25:04.000 Fucking right out of his ass. 1.00

02:25:06.000 Crazy? 1.00

02:25:07.000 Like howls while he does it?

02:25:08.000 It's gonna be quicker than a dog, than a house dog.

02:25:10.000 Is there any anger involved?

02:25:12.000 Dude, it's a wolf. 1.00

02:25:13.000 He's got fucking predators. 1.00

02:25:15.000 He's got a pack he's gotta hang with. 1.00

02:25:16.000 It fucking happens quick. 0.99

02:25:17.000 Why are you using kale and Mean Green? 1.00

02:25:19.000 Isn't that the same shit? 0.99

02:25:21.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:25:21.000 I would imagine a wolf would take an angry shit. 1.00

02:25:24.000 Teeth glared. 1.00

02:25:27.000 Just shitting out quick because he doesn't want to feel vulnerable. 0.98

02:25:33.000 Doesn't want some other wolf to come along and try to take the alpha spot. 0.99

02:25:36.000 I agree.

02:25:37.000 I agree.

02:25:38.000 What a brutal society. 1.00

02:25:41.000 Can you imagine if you were a wolf, and you just lived on a mountain, and all you did is run around and bite shit. 1.00

02:25:48.000 Chase things, and your number one instinct is to chase things and chop at their legs. 0.99

02:25:53.000 That's what they like to do.

02:25:55.000 They like to run up behind cows, run up behind elk, whatever you can get, deer, and they bite their legs.

02:26:01.000 Bite their legs.

02:26:02.000 And they'll chase them and they bite their legs again. 0.98

02:26:05.000 And they'll take down a big-ass animal that way. 0.99

02:26:07.000 They'll take down a moose. 0.76

02:26:09.000 Sounds like social justice warriors.

02:26:12.000 Just biting the leg. 1.00

02:26:14.000 Fuck yes! 1.00

02:26:15.000 Are you upset? 1.00

02:26:16.000 With social justice warriors?

02:26:17.000 Yeah.

02:26:18.000 100%.

02:26:18.000 What's going on?

02:26:19.000 I don't like when I see someone like Kurt Metzger, who I find to be fucking hilarious, when I watch people attack him based on some list of fucking demands they have, like terrorists. 0.98

02:26:30.000 What was the list of demands? 0.98

02:26:31.000 What did they do?

02:26:32.000 This is a broad stroke.

02:26:34.000 I know that Kurt almost lost his job on Amy's show.

02:26:37.000 Amy saved him.

02:26:38.000 Amy stood up for him.

02:26:39.000 But because he did something.

02:26:41.000 Kurt didn't want to talk about it, so I'm not going to talk about it.

02:26:43.000 Okay.

02:26:44.000 Maybe he did talk about it.

02:26:46.000 I'm sure Kurt's been on the show.

02:26:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:26:48.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

02:26:50.000 But I don't know, man. 1.00

02:26:52.000 I just find... 0.99

02:26:55.000 I just find that shit bothersome, and it looks like wolves just trying to bite until some corporation goes, he's been bitten! 1.00

02:27:03.000 Oh, it's fucking weak, let's eat it! 1.00

02:27:04.000 This is what I think we have to really be careful about. 0.98

02:27:07.000 We have to really be careful about, and I don't mean us, I mean as humans, We've got to really be careful about trying to get other people to think and behave the way we do.

02:27:18.000 Once you establish a guideline of how we all want to be treated with each other, you're going to have disagreements.

02:27:30.000 And if you believe one thing and I believe something that's different than what you believe, It can become a real problem if I decide to go after you for your belief and attack you for your belief and try to get you fired for your belief.

02:27:45.000 Right?

02:27:46.000 Yeah.

02:27:46.000 That's where it gets weird.

02:27:48.000 And especially when it comes to something like stand-up, which requires a certain amount of offensive thinking.

02:27:55.000 It requires, if you want stand-up that I'm going to enjoy, you've got to take some risks.

02:27:59.000 You've got to be offensive.

02:28:00.000 You have to be offensive in an honest way that is undeniable, especially in this era, because we're living in this era where we're supposed to pretend that certain differences don't exist, and diversity is the most important thing, but there's some hilarious differences.

02:28:14.000 And it's one of the reasons why we like black comics. 0.98

02:28:16.000 Because black comics can shit all over white people, and it's just the same kind of funny, racist, racial humor, and it's totally acceptable. 1.00

02:28:24.000 Because white people have been dicks to black people for so long that it's just in the guidelines. 0.99

02:28:30.000 If you go back to old Eddie Murphy or Richard Pryor bits, they were great, and white people liked them. 1.00

02:28:38.000 You know? 0.99

02:28:38.000 It's like it relieved a little tension to have him shit on white people, you know? 0.99

02:28:44.000 Yeah. 0.99

02:28:44.000 I like Cat Williams. 0.99

02:28:45.000 I still like Cat Williams. 1.00

02:28:47.000 Fuck yeah. 0.99

02:28:47.000 Dude, I want to tour with that guy. 0.99

02:28:49.000 He's hilarious.

02:28:49.000 That guy is so...

02:28:50.000 I love when he gets into a preachy mode.

02:28:52.000 Dude. 0.97

02:28:52.000 I like when he's sweating and his hair's fucked up and his shirt's soaking. 0.97

02:28:55.000 I love that dude. 0.97

02:28:57.000 He's wild and, you know, he gets crazy sometimes and things go off the rails.

02:29:01.000 Like yesterday.

02:29:01.000 He's awesome.

02:29:02.000 Did he go off the rails yesterday?

02:29:03.000 Something like that.

02:29:04.000 He punched some guy. 1.00

02:29:05.000 Maybe that guy was talking shit, okay? 1.00

02:29:07.000 I got your back, Cat. 1.00

02:29:09.000 I'm on Cat's team right now. 0.99

02:29:11.000 He's funny as fuck, man. 0.98

02:29:12.000 I think he's one of my all-time favorite comedians, as far as when he's in the groove, when he's tucked and moving, and he's crushing it. 1.00

02:29:21.000 He's a motherfucker, dude. 0.99

02:29:22.000 He's a force of nature. 1.00

02:29:24.000 Maybe you got broke-ass pussy. 1.00

02:29:24.000 I like it. 1.00

02:29:25.000 Dude, Cat Williams is fu- He's a force of nature.

02:29:28.000 When he's on, he's a force of nature, man.

02:29:30.000 He's just so good. 1.00

02:29:31.000 The thing is- Oh, shit. 0.99

02:29:33.000 Challenges Kevin Hart to a $5 million battle and explains Georgia arrest. 0.99

02:29:39.000 How do you not love this?

02:29:43.000 Oh, my God.

02:29:44.000 I love him.

02:29:47.000 On social media, boy, boy, I know what you do, but you do it for play play.

02:29:51.000 If you do it for real, here it is, Kevin.

02:29:55.000 I got a show at your hometown in Philly.

02:29:59.000 I'm gonna take my special there.

02:30:01.000 On that stage, we can put whatever you want. 0.99

02:30:04.000 A full court basketball court, a boxing ring, two microphones for a rap cypher, Or you can get your ass dusted in comedy on that stage. 0.97

02:30:17.000 But it's one million dollars up for each one. 0.98

02:30:20.000 That's five million dollars, Mr. Twenty-eight million in Forbes.

02:30:25.000 I'll be bringing mine in cash, Mitch.

02:30:29.000 Bring yours however you want. 0.88

02:30:31.000 And since you not a puppet, don't bring no white people with you then. 0.99

02:30:35.000 Hell yeah! 1.00

02:30:36.000 Fuck yeah! 1.00

02:30:37.000 That's what I'm fucking talking about! 1.00

02:30:39.000 You can take it all or you can take it part and parcel. 0.99

02:30:42.000 Oh my goodness.

02:30:45.000 By the way, he's wearing a fur coat.

02:30:47.000 He's wearing a fur coat.

02:30:48.000 He made a heart sign.

02:30:48.000 Dropped a heart over his face.

02:30:50.000 He made a heart sign.

02:30:51.000 He's standing in front of a Lamborghini.

02:30:52.000 He just got out of a private jet. 1.00

02:30:57.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

02:30:58.000 Do you get that reference? 1.00

02:30:59.000 He told them to give her the plastic cup.

02:31:00.000 Do you get that reference?

02:31:01.000 No.

02:31:02.000 Okay.

02:31:02.000 I love Kevin, by the way.

02:31:03.000 I love Kat.

02:31:04.000 Okay.

02:31:05.000 Kevin did a comedy group with all the guys that tour with him, and all the guys that tour with him, they call themselves the Plastic Cup Boys. 0.99

02:31:12.000 Damn, Daniel. 1.00

02:31:13.000 So he says, Fuck your plastic cup, boys. 1.00

02:31:16.000 We drink out of real glass. 1.00

02:31:19.000 Oh, I want to be black right now. 1.00

02:31:20.000 So fucking bad. 1.00

02:31:22.000 Can't you just enjoy it on the sidelines without wanting to be a part of the actual culture itself? 0.99

02:31:25.000 Nope.

02:31:26.000 You know what I want to do?

02:31:27.000 You know what I want to do?

02:31:28.000 I want to be in that world.

02:31:29.000 I want to be in a fur coat.

02:31:30.000 I'm going to recreate that, but I'm going to do it to Tom Segura. 1.00

02:31:33.000 And I'm gonna be like fuck fuck your babies. 1.00

02:31:36.000 We got real kids 11 years old have like you could reenact it sort of like how they reenact the Civil War you guys can reenact the Cat Williams and Kevin Hart comedy feud if it were to really go down He's got his jet going in the background and he got into a Lamborghini dude first of all whose Lamborghini is that and whose jet? 1.00

02:31:54.000 And where'd you get the fur coat? 0.98

02:31:56.000 If he's only bringing five million dollars of his cash, he does not have enough to have a fucking chance. 0.98

02:32:00.000 Well, he might. 0.99

02:32:01.000 He might.

02:32:01.000 I mean, look, that guy can do giant places.

02:32:04.000 Cat Williams, even though, like I said, he's gone off the rails a couple of times, he can still do giant places.

02:32:08.000 He's one of the best comics in the world.

02:32:10.000 100%.

02:32:10.000 Why has he not been on your podcast yet?

02:32:12.000 I never met him.

02:32:14.000 And he can't know where we work.

02:32:18.000 I'm just kidding.

02:32:19.000 He rolls with Shook, too. 0.98

02:32:20.000 I've met him twice.

02:32:21.000 By the way, he's a legit hip-hop dude.

02:32:25.000 I think he went up against Cam'ron and Dip Squad and had a rap battle against... 0.97

02:32:33.000 I think someone got shot for it.

02:32:35.000 Can you Google that, Jamie?

02:32:36.000 I think Roy Troy was there.

02:32:38.000 Jesus Christ.

02:32:41.000 Man, he's a fascinating guy.

02:32:43.000 When his stand-up is on, it's just sensational.

02:32:46.000 When he's sweating and pacing, it's just sensational.

02:32:50.000 Do you know what my thing was?

02:32:52.000 I'm good friends with Red Grant, which is one of his openers, and he always paid the comics he worked with well.

02:32:59.000 He always treated them nice. 0.95

02:33:00.000 That's so fucking important. 0.89

02:33:01.000 He said something that I remember reading or watching a video rather and he was talking and it made total sense and I didn't really consider it that much before. 0.97

02:33:10.000 He was like, I never eat before I go on stage.

02:33:13.000 I don't want to have any food digesting in my stomach.

02:33:16.000 And then I thought about it.

02:33:17.000 I was like, well, what is it?

02:33:19.000 It could be like 7 o'clock and the show's at 8. You're like, oh, I gotta eat, I gotta eat, I gotta eat.

02:33:23.000 Do you really?

02:33:24.000 Like, most of the time you don't.

02:33:26.000 Like, we're so spoiled.

02:33:27.000 Like, most of the time you can go, like, a long time without actually eating and you'll be fine.

02:33:32.000 It's like you have a little bit of a craving, but it's almost too much for us to, oh, God, I can't eat.

02:33:36.000 And he was saying that, like, Eating before you go on stage, it slows you down.

02:33:41.000 It slows down your thinking because your body needs the energy to digest that food.

02:33:44.000 I'm like, of course it does.

02:33:45.000 Yeah.

02:33:45.000 Of course it does.

02:33:46.000 And I remember that's...

02:33:48.000 This was several years ago.

02:33:49.000 I remember as soon as I saw that video, I was like, that is how I'm going to think about that from now on.

02:33:54.000 Because before I was just thinking about the moment itself.

02:33:57.000 I'm like, I could do it even though I just ate.

02:33:59.000 I could be fine.

02:34:00.000 And you can if you don't eat too much.

02:34:03.000 But eating right before you go on stage is probably a bad idea.

02:34:07.000 When I used to work with Jay Moore, that was a Buddy Hackett quote.

02:34:10.000 What's this, Jamie?

02:34:12.000 Cat Williams talks, signing with Cam'ron.

02:34:14.000 Cam'ron, yeah, he worked with Dip Squad.

02:34:17.000 Dipset.

02:34:18.000 Well, that's 2006. You can't say Dipsquad, dude.

02:34:23.000 Is that racist?

02:34:24.000 It's Dipset.

02:34:25.000 Dipset. 0.99

02:34:26.000 God, you're so racist. 1.00

02:34:27.000 You're so racist. 1.00

02:34:28.000 You know what people love to do? 1.00

02:34:30.000 They love to call you a racist so it takes any fucking focus off of their potential racism. 0.99

02:34:34.000 That's a big one. 0.99

02:34:36.000 I definitely couldn't be a racist.

02:34:38.000 But what you did, Dipsquad.

02:34:42.000 Dipset.

02:34:43.000 You don't even know what a set is?

02:34:44.000 Maybe you shouldn't be commenting on their culture.

02:34:47.000 There's a very big difference from being called a racist and doing something racist on accident.

02:34:53.000 Oh yeah, both are possible.

02:34:56.000 I've had whatever person go, that joke's racist.

02:35:01.000 And you're like, it's not racist at all.

02:35:03.000 At all.

02:35:04.000 There's no racism in that joke. 0.98

02:35:06.000 And then I've done something racist on accident, and then realizing you've done something that is in fact hurtful is like, holy fuck, you're almost taking the real meaning of the word away from the word. 0.97

02:35:20.000 Does that make sense? 0.95

02:35:22.000 Well, you can't change the definitions of what racism is.

02:35:27.000 Yeah, but I think people lighten the load.

02:35:30.000 I'll tell you two examples.

02:35:31.000 I used to have a joke.

02:35:32.000 This is hacky.

02:35:32.000 I'm going to just say it real quick.

02:35:34.000 I used to say, you want to know something racist?

02:35:36.000 That was my flaw because people would hear that and assume I was about to say something racist when, in fact, I'm about to say a joke. 0.97

02:35:41.000 And it was, they don't make baby powder for black people. 0.99

02:35:44.000 Like, how racist is that? 0.92

02:35:45.000 They should make eight different colors.

02:35:47.000 Call it Magic Johnson& Johnson's. 1.00

02:35:48.000 Stupid joke. 1.00

02:35:49.000 Black woman got upset, stormed out of the date in Funny Bone. 1.00

02:35:53.000 Literally, I'm going to protest. 0.95

02:35:54.000 Now, I did something racist one time where I walked into a...

02:35:58.000 But I didn't mean to do it.

02:35:59.000 I'm a big fan of Opie and Anthony.

02:36:01.000 I think this will attest to anyone that's listened to Opie and Anthony.

02:36:06.000 One of the sayings they used to say on that was, Hello, boys!

02:36:09.000 It was like a saying from the show.

02:36:11.000 Right.

02:36:12.000 And I rolled into an all-black club in the 8th Ward.

02:36:18.000 It's called Bullets.

02:36:18.000 And I walked into the bathroom.

02:36:20.000 It was all black men. 0.99

02:36:21.000 And I was a little buzz.

02:36:21.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

02:36:23.000 But it was all old black men. 1.00

02:36:24.000 It was all old black men. 1.00

02:36:26.000 Oh, no. 0.99

02:36:27.000 I know.

02:36:27.000 And I just walked in.

02:36:28.000 I went, Hello, boys!

02:36:29.000 Oh, my God.

02:36:30.000 Now, you've got to understand, my...

02:36:33.000 My usage of that is based on Opie and Anthony, which was just to show that they had that line in their opening trailer.

02:36:40.000 And so I definitely didn't.

02:36:43.000 I would never in my ever in a million years ever do something like that.

02:36:46.000 However, a black man grabbed me and pulled me aside and said, you don't say that word in here.

02:36:51.000 And I realized I did something racist, and I went, that...

02:36:55.000 That feeling, that heartfelt feeling I had where I went, I am, like, literally almost to tears, like, I am so sorry.

02:37:01.000 I have no idea what that brings up in you, and I didn't know...

02:37:03.000 Right, right.

02:37:03.000 But I had no intention in it.

02:37:05.000 Right.

02:37:06.000 That is the two differences, where I go...

02:37:09.000 Don't throw that word around unless you're ready to throw the rock in the glass house.

02:37:14.000 Well, that's a word you could easily throw around in a room full of white guys and you were thinking in a non-racist way. 0.55

02:37:20.000 Just walking into a bar.

02:37:21.000 You let it out because you would let it out all the time.

02:37:24.000 But it's a perfect way to describe it.

02:37:26.000 It's accidental racism.

02:37:28.000 100%.

02:37:28.000 I think we got a real problem with people looking for stuff that's racist that isn't, though.

02:37:34.000 A thing like that, you would have to find out who you are.

02:37:38.000 Who is this guy?

02:37:40.000 This Burt Kreischer guy.

02:37:42.000 Is this funny for him? 0.95

02:37:45.000 Is he a boundary pusher guy where he wants to go into a room full of black people and say some racists? 0.62

02:37:50.000 Is this like Ari when he was doing The Amazing Racist? 0.66

02:37:53.000 Remember that?

02:37:54.000 Dude, that's the reason I know Ari. 1.00

02:37:56.000 He's so crazy. 0.96

02:37:58.000 That's the reason I know Ari. 0.98

02:37:59.000 That's a sketch, you know?

02:38:02.000 Look, and I've showed it to people since.

02:38:04.000 Maybe times have changed from when I first saw that to now.

02:38:08.000 When I saw the La Migra one, Yeah.

02:38:13.000 I'll tell you when it was.

02:38:15.000 It was like 2004. I just had a kid and I was sitting up in my house having a bottle of Jameson.

02:38:20.000 I was working with Jameson at the time. 0.99

02:38:22.000 And I saw it and I'd seen Ari before and I giggled hard as fuck. 1.00

02:38:26.000 I'm going to own that there was a time where that was funny. 0.99

02:38:29.000 If it's not funny now and people hate it, I giggled hard as fuck. 0.97

02:38:34.000 It's still kind of funny. 0.99

02:38:35.000 I mean, it's fucked up. 0.99

02:38:37.000 It's definitely fucked up, but it's still kind of funny. 1.00

02:38:40.000 What's more fucked up is the guy from fucking ShamWow owns all that shit. 1.00

02:38:43.000 That is kind of fucked up. 1.00

02:38:44.000 That's the most fucked up about all that is ShamWow owns all of that. 1.00

02:38:49.000 What do you think he's making, Jamie? 0.98

02:38:50.000 Like 80 grand a month on those?

02:38:54.000 See, like, your situation, like, if they knew you, like, anybody else knows you, then there would be no worry. 0.90

02:39:02.000 It would be just, I got drunk and I fucked up and I said the wrong thing. 0.92

02:39:06.000 Actually, I just said the wrong words. 0.94

02:39:08.000 But isn't it interesting?

02:39:10.000 That thing where you did that, if they did know you and they knew you said the wrong words and they knew that, okay, this guy genuinely would have said this to a bunch of white people and he just slipped. 0.96

02:39:19.000 I had listened to Opie and Anthony and it was in my fucking repertoire of words to say when I walk in a room. 0.98

02:39:25.000 But there's a giant difference between that and someone who walks in that bathroom with a decided intention to make those black men uncomfortable. 0.99

02:39:33.000 And he walks in there.

02:39:35.000 There's a giant difference, however, there's no distinction between what we did.

02:39:41.000 Especially if they're like you, they've had a couple of drinks.

02:39:44.000 You're all at a bar, right?

02:39:46.000 So maybe they could be a little tipsy too.

02:39:48.000 And you know, sometimes people are a little drunk and they misinterpret things or they're quick to look for an altercation.

02:39:54.000 That could be a problem too, you know?

02:39:55.000 The name of the bar was Bullets.

02:39:57.000 I was there to see Kermit Ruffins.

02:39:59.000 I was hanging out with him in his car and...

02:40:05.000 Nothing.

02:40:05.000 I'm just thinking.

02:40:06.000 No, go ahead.

02:40:08.000 But that is, in essence...

02:40:12.000 I remember just the guy pulling me aside and literally grabbing me, not being nice about it, but grabbing me and saying, you don't say those words here.

02:40:19.000 And I went, whoa.

02:40:20.000 I didn't grow up racist, so I don't...

02:40:23.000 To say, boy...

02:40:24.000 It's a drunk mistake.

02:40:25.000 I did the same exact thing when I moved here.

02:40:27.000 The first six months I was at the comedy store, I came up to a guy that I knew, and I go, hey, boy... 0.99

02:40:33.000 And he goes, what the fuck did you say? 0.98

02:40:35.000 I had no idea. 0.99

02:40:36.000 I had never heard of the boy thing ever, and I don't know where I got it from.

02:40:39.000 You didn't hear about boy?

02:40:40.000 In Ohio, no.

02:40:41.000 Ohio, really?

02:40:41.000 And I just didn't have racism in my family or anything, really, so I never really...

02:40:46.000 Brian was raised in some sort of a preserve.

02:40:49.000 Religious.

02:40:50.000 Amazing to be...

02:40:50.000 Some fence was up, and it was like that...

02:40:53.000 Remember that... 0.98

02:40:55.000 Was it Joaquin Phoenix that had that fucking M. Night Shyamalan ding-dong movie about those people? 0.99

02:41:02.000 The Wall. 0.99

02:41:03.000 The Village.

02:41:04.000 The Village.

02:41:05.000 And there was planes that were flying overhead and they didn't know about the planes.

02:41:08.000 Remember that?

02:41:09.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:41:10.000 It's one of those movies where at the end of the movie you're like, I'm going to find him and I'm going to fucking choke him. 0.99

02:41:16.000 I'm going to find you, and I'm going to choke you. 1.00

02:41:19.000 No. 1.00

02:41:20.000 No, no, no.

02:41:21.000 That is not a movie idea.

02:41:24.000 You're not allowed to do that. 1.00

02:41:25.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00

02:41:26.000 Who let you do this? 1.00

02:41:27.000 Who let you spend so much money on this, you fucker? 1.00

02:41:29.000 It's New Hampshire? 1.00

02:41:31.000 What, no planes fly over them? 0.99

02:41:33.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.97

02:41:36.000 They just made it to the road in a day. 1.00

02:41:39.000 They walked to the road in a day. 0.99

02:41:43.000 What are the odds that some fucking hippies aren't gonna find you decades ago? 1.00

02:41:47.000 Shut your mouth! 1.00

02:41:49.000 In one day! 0.99

02:41:50.000 In one day they're on the road!

02:41:52.000 The same day!

02:41:54.000 That's not far!

02:41:55.000 How fast are you walking?

02:41:56.000 They're in a Jeep Cherokee within 24 hours!

02:41:59.000 So you're telling me you didn't even hear Harleys?

02:42:01.000 When Harleys ride down the road, you didn't hear that? 1.00

02:42:04.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

02:42:06.000 Asshole face. 1.00

02:42:07.000 That's what I want my compound to be like. 0.99

02:42:10.000 Stan Hub's compound's just like that.

02:42:12.000 That guy knocked it out of the park with his first movie, though.

02:42:15.000 Sixth Sense.

02:42:16.000 Which was another, like, twist.

02:42:18.000 I think the twist was so good in that movie, it might have ruined him.

02:42:23.000 Ari and I are talking about storytelling like that, the best stories you've ever listened to.

02:42:26.000 When did you realize he was dead?

02:42:28.000 Oh, spoiler alert. 1.00

02:42:29.000 Oh, you son of a bitch. 1.00

02:42:31.000 I never figured it out until now. 1.00

02:42:33.000 Wait a minute, he was dead?

02:42:34.000 The kid was dead?

02:42:36.000 No.

02:42:36.000 Oh, my God.

02:42:37.000 The guy was dead?

02:42:38.000 Who was dead?

02:42:38.000 Bruce Willis is dead!

02:42:41.000 When did you figure it out?

02:42:43.000 When he said it.

02:42:44.000 Like when the kid and him were having the conversation towards the end of the movie.

02:42:47.000 I was getting suspicious somewhere in there. 0.99

02:42:50.000 I was like, what the fuck is going on? 0.97

02:42:51.000 This is like 2004. When did that movie come out? 0.98

02:42:54.000 No, it was not 2004. It was probably 1998, 1999. Was it?

02:43:01.000 Bam! 0.98

02:43:02.000 Roy Choi was on the show, son.

02:43:04.000 Oh, we're full.

02:43:06.000 I don't remember.

02:43:07.000 I think it was towards the end.

02:43:08.000 I think they were having a conversation together. 0.97

02:43:10.000 But I was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on before that. 0.94

02:43:13.000 I can tell you, in part of the moment of the movie, when he finds blood on his shirt, that's when I realized. 0.99

02:43:21.000 Because when he grabbed the red door handle, I was like, yeah, I don't know what that fucking means. 0.87

02:43:26.000 Why did she lock him out of that room? 0.95

02:43:27.000 Does he not have an office anymore?

02:43:29.000 Does he need to get an office?

02:43:31.000 That was a great movie, man.

02:43:33.000 But then the twist was so much of a part of the movie that in his movies you would wait for the twist.

02:43:40.000 You know, you'd try to figure out when's this twist coming.

02:43:43.000 What's better, that or Usual Suspects? 0.98

02:43:47.000 I think Usual Suspects is a goddamn classic. 0.98

02:43:50.000 That's a classic. 0.99

02:43:52.000 Wait, what do you mean?

02:43:53.000 Which one's better, Sixth Sense or the Usual Suspects?

02:43:56.000 They're both great.

02:43:56.000 In the reveal, though.

02:43:57.000 They're both great.

02:43:57.000 The two best reveals in the movie, probably, right?

02:44:00.000 Oh, in the reveal.

02:44:01.000 I thought you meant just in the movie itself.

02:44:03.000 In the reveal, the Sixth Sense is better.

02:44:06.000 No, the movie is the reveal.

02:44:08.000 The Kaiser Soze reveal is a little like, what?

02:44:12.000 All of a sudden, he's done limping.

02:44:14.000 What about the Fight Club reveal?

02:44:16.000 This Walks Away?

02:44:17.000 That one was the worst.

02:44:18.000 That was the worst.

02:44:19.000 I mean, I did not like it.

02:44:21.000 People get mad at me for saying that.

02:44:22.000 You don't even understand Fight Club, bro.

02:44:23.000 You don't understand.

02:44:24.000 You don't understand what it stands for.

02:44:26.000 Okay?

02:44:27.000 Yeah.

02:44:27.000 What about Memento?

02:44:31.000 Uh...

02:44:32.000 It was good.

02:44:33.000 I'll tell you what, Butterfly Effect is probably the movie that hit the most.

02:44:37.000 Butterfly Effect?

02:44:39.000 With Ashton Kutcher.

02:44:40.000 Did you actually watch that? 0.95

02:44:42.000 Dude, it kind of fucked me up for a couple days. 0.97

02:44:43.000 Did you have your pants on? 0.94

02:44:45.000 A little bit.

02:44:46.000 Why did you watch that movie?

02:44:47.000 I almost had some time travel.

02:44:49.000 You are?

02:44:50.000 Joe, like, if you ever have a time travel person in here, I just want to hang out and just listen.

02:44:55.000 I'm obsessed with time travel.

02:44:57.000 Is there a time travel person?

02:44:58.000 It's like the Bigfoot guy, I think, does it also.

02:45:01.000 Well, there was this one guy, I think it was the University of Connecticut.

02:45:07.000 Roy Mallet?

02:45:09.000 Ronald Mallet?

02:45:12.000 Yeah, Ronald Mallet.

02:45:14.000 He was a scientist out of the University of Connecticut, and this is a crazy, like, Spider-Man story.

02:45:20.000 His dad died when he was young, and he became obsessed with figuring out...

02:45:26.000 Ronald Mallet.

02:45:28.000 He became obsessed with figuring out a time machine so he could go back in time and save his father and that's that's what led him on this path to become like the world specialist in I mean he's like a legit credentialed you know respected intellectual and scientist and his his accomplishments is like he's been able to like Try to keep track of and study time in a way that they're really thinking that there's going to

02:45:58.000 come one point in time someday where they're going to be able to figure out how to travel back and forth through time.

02:46:03.000 It's going to take a long-ass time, but one thing that he learned was that he most likely will never be able to go back in time and save his dad.

02:46:13.000 And so I think the idea, as it's been explained, if I remember correctly, is that you only can time travel back to the point where the first time machine was made.

02:46:25.000 So if someone one day comes up with a time machine, say if that's like 100 years from now, from that moment on, from the moment of the invention of the time machine to forever in the future, all those people can come back to that moment.

02:46:39.000 So you're telling me the first guy that events at time and train can travel back a second, then two seconds, then five seconds?

02:46:46.000 No.

02:46:46.000 Even crazier.

02:46:48.000 When the moment a first time machine is invented, all the people that have gone from, you know, let's say a time machine gets invented in 2050, okay?

02:46:57.000 Okay.

02:46:57.000 All the people from 2050 to as long as human life survives and as long as there's a power source and as long as there's a computer grid, as long as there's some method of establishing information, all those people will be able to come back to that moment and any other moment in between.

02:47:18.000 Dops.

02:47:19.000 There's no regular time.

02:47:20.000 There might be regular time for you, but it's only a matter of perspective.

02:47:25.000 Because regular time for you is not going to matter anymore because people can come and go back to your time as much as they want.

02:47:33.000 But then, here's another problem.

02:47:35.000 Here's another problem.

02:47:36.000 How much mass is contained in this one environment?

02:47:41.000 And is it okay to bring in more mass?

02:47:44.000 And what happens if you do?

02:47:46.000 So if you have... 0.76

02:47:48.000 300 million people in America right now, but a time machine gets invented, and then all of a sudden, people from 2050 to 250,050, to whenever the fuck the next big asteroid wipes us out like the dinosaurs.

02:48:02.000 You've got super, super far distance in the future people.

02:48:05.000 Every day, every person has the possibility and potential with technology to reach this moment right now.

02:48:12.000 And what if they did all together, all at once?

02:48:15.000 Would we even have the space to contain them?

02:48:18.000 Would we even have the space on this earth?

02:48:19.000 We would have to regulate time travel at every second of every day from today on until the moment.

02:48:27.000 I can debunk this.

02:48:28.000 Are you ready for me to debunk a scientist?

02:48:30.000 I'm hoping you can do it.

02:48:31.000 Here we go.

02:48:32.000 Mic drop moment.

02:48:34.000 Dear scientists have spent your whole life figuring this out.

02:48:36.000 I just shot you down.

02:48:38.000 So I built a time travel, me and Brian.

02:48:40.000 Our time travel consists of a bottle of champagne, a lighter, and a joint, right?

02:48:46.000 I'm just saying simple, simple.

02:48:47.000 Hot tub time machine, yeah.

02:48:48.000 Stop.

02:48:49.000 No.

02:48:49.000 Brian, please don't join in on this.

02:48:52.000 Can I handle this one on my own?

02:48:54.000 No.

02:48:55.000 So, I'm just saying simple mechanics.

02:48:58.000 Let's pretend that that's the time machine, right?

02:49:00.000 So we got it.

02:49:00.000 All right, we invented the time machine.

02:49:01.000 Got it.

02:49:02.000 Oh my God.

02:49:02.000 Right now we can travel back to that moment.

02:49:04.000 Three days ago we can travel back to this moment.

02:49:07.000 Or, three days from now, I can say to Brian, hey, our time machine really just consists of a bottle of champagne, a joint, and a lighter. 0.98

02:49:17.000 Let's fucking send you back. 0.98

02:49:19.000 You know the three things. 0.99

02:49:21.000 Build one then.

02:49:22.000 Come back to me now. 1.00

02:49:23.000 Your idea is to get together with my Chipotle person and have sex and have a baby that makes no sense. 0.96

02:49:31.000 You guys, there's no time machine ever going to be built because we're in the simulation. 0.96

02:49:36.000 It's a bottle of champagne, bro.

02:49:38.000 Donald Trump is president.

02:49:40.000 Cats and dogs living together.

02:49:42.000 We're a simulation program.

02:49:43.000 Time machine doesn't matter. 0.89

02:49:45.000 Bert's idea is Back to the Future 3, basically.

02:49:47.000 Is that what it is?

02:49:47.000 Yeah.

02:49:59.000 Oh fuck. 0.99

02:50:01.000 Wouldn't it be cool to see like scientists actually work on time travel like if they're like like shooting lasers at walls and trying to run through the wall or Essentially, they're definitely doing it in one way or another. 0.99

02:50:10.000 They might not even realize they're doing it, but every intensive scientific experiment that anyone's doing anywhere in the world, any results that they get, any groundbreaking results, all get kind of added together into this soup of possibilities.

02:50:23.000 So whatever they invent today, whatever they figure out today, even if they're not thinking, like, hey, we're going to invent a time machine, but any new technology that someone invents today makes more things possible.

02:50:33.000 And if more things become possible, eventually people are going to get to the point where they go, hey, this time thing, can we manipulate this?

02:50:40.000 Or is this just what it is?

02:50:42.000 Is it what it is?

02:50:43.000 Or can we move around in it like the air?

02:50:45.000 Remember when we used to think we could fly through the air, but then we realized we could fly through the air.

02:50:49.000 Why can't we fly through time?

02:50:50.000 Are you sure we can't fly through time?

02:50:52.000 And if people keep getting smarter and smarter and more and more aware of the possibilities that have been created by all these different technologies, it's going to open up the door to insane possibility, like unimaginable possibility of the ability to manipulate matter, human bodies,

02:51:08.000 time travel.

02:51:09.000 It's just a matter of whether or not we'll have enough power and whether or not we'll, like, if we do it correctly, we'll figure it out to the point where, like, we definitely didn't figure out the fossil fuel thing or the plastic thing correctly.

02:51:20.000 We invented it without considering the consequences of way more fucking people and way more impact on the environment than anybody ever imagined when they first invented those things. 0.93

02:51:29.000 So when you see the oceans choking up with plastic and the fucking sky's all fucking black with smog from shitty cars, like nobody saw that coming when they invented those things. 0.92

02:51:37.000 So there's got to be a way where they can look at all the different things that we're doing right now and extrapolate into the future and figure out how to fix it. 0.96

02:51:46.000 Once they can do that, then it becomes a matter of How much energy do you put forth and what are the rewards that you get back and can you continue to sustain that energy?

02:51:55.000 So if you can continue to sustain the energy and you start just creating time machines and you start creating the ability to manipulate bodies and change shapes and you would turn your body into whatever the fuck you wanted it to be and there would be no standard human being. 0.98

02:52:10.000 There'd be people with fucking wings There would be people with giant heads. 0.95

02:52:14.000 You could literally, if they start manipulating bodies, it's just a matter of time before they manipulate them at will, and before they manipulate them back and forth. 0.98

02:52:22.000 What's going to be the first person that decides to become a horse person, and then decides to become a centaur, and then decides to become the Hulk, and then becomes a brony? 0.97

02:52:31.000 How many fucking people are going to do weird shit to their body once they realize that you can change it? 0.99

02:52:37.000 You can decide. 1.00

02:52:38.000 You can introduce a gene that makes your shoulders stretch out wide like this.

02:52:42.000 Give me wings tomorrow. 0.98

02:52:44.000 You never fucking know. 0.99

02:52:45.000 Give me wings tomorrow. 0.97

02:52:47.000 If they can figure out how to splice genes into different plants to create more resistant plants to pesticides, and they can figure out how to manipulate things.

02:52:57.000 They figured out how to grow a human ear on some sort of mammal.

02:53:02.000 I think it was a mouse or something like that.

02:53:03.000 They're constantly trying to figure out new ways to combine things and manipulate things.

02:53:09.000 Just keep going from today to 100,000 years from now.

02:53:13.000 It's inevitable.

02:53:14.000 Inevitable, dude.

02:53:15.000 Imagine if they told your grandparents you'll be able to speak to your child on the other side of the coast.

02:53:19.000 How would I do that?

02:53:21.000 It just seems...

02:53:21.000 Right.

02:53:21.000 Look at this.

02:53:22.000 Human ear they grew on a fucking rat. 1.00

02:53:24.000 That kind of looks like Rich Ross's ear. 1.00

02:53:26.000 What's that ear on that Asian guy?

02:53:27.000 That looks like Waleed Ishmael's ear.

02:53:29.000 Waleed Ishmael?

02:53:31.000 What's that?

02:53:32.000 What?

02:53:32.000 They grew his nose.

02:53:33.000 No, not there.

02:53:35.000 Yeah, they grew his nose on his forehead, and then they cut you open and stitch you back in. 1.00

02:53:39.000 Hold the fucking bones, they can grow a nose on a forehead and then put it on your face? 0.99

02:53:43.000 What they do is they kind of stretch it out. 1.00

02:53:45.000 They stretch your skin out by putting this sort of artificial nose thing that they kind of grow on your head.

02:53:53.000 There's a bunch of different experiments that people are doing right now.

02:53:56.000 That gives me hope.

02:53:57.000 And this is interesting, but it's kind of like almost like beginner steps to what they're ultimately going to be able to do.

02:54:04.000 No, wait, are they doing this because there's no...

02:54:07.000 It's plastic surgery stuff.

02:54:09.000 No, no, no. 0.99

02:54:09.000 It's like this guy got his nose fucked up. 0.99

02:54:11.000 No, but I mean like meaning, you know, like all of a sudden we have a cure to fix a nose that's gone. 0.97

02:54:15.000 Right.

02:54:15.000 As opposed to AIDS medication is still kind of like, they're just like, we can hold it off.

02:54:21.000 We're not curing it because the money's in the comeback.

02:54:24.000 Do you think that's real?

02:54:25.000 That's what Chris Rock said.

02:54:29.000 Dude, Joe, I don't get all my information.

02:54:30.000 I get it from podcasts and comedy and TV. You never know.

02:54:35.000 It definitely could be real.

02:54:37.000 But I would imagine it would be really hard for people to ethically hide a cure for AIDS because they can make money from the treatment.

02:54:46.000 You'd have to assume they're the same people too.

02:54:49.000 You'd have to assume that the people that are making the treatment got a hold of the cure and decided to stop it.

02:54:55.000 Either they bought them out or it was their company that invented it.

02:54:59.000 They'd have to all be conveniently connected.

02:55:01.000 Yeah, I guess you're right.

02:55:02.000 And then there's also a scientist that would have to be involved in the discovery of something as monumental as curing AIDS. If a scientist could figure that out, that would be gigantic for their reputation.

02:55:17.000 They would be like Francis Crick.

02:55:19.000 They would be like, you know, they would be like Watson.

02:55:21.000 They would be like one of the great scientists of all time.

02:55:24.000 Someone who's invented something.

02:55:25.000 They would be like, I mean, you could go back in time.

02:55:29.000 And think about all the big inventors, the Teslas and all the different people.

02:55:33.000 Someone who can invent something that cures the Black Plague of the 20th century, which is what AIDS was to a lot of people. 0.96

02:55:39.000 If someone came along and cured that, god damn, they'd be big. 0.97

02:55:43.000 They'd be giant. 1.00

02:55:43.000 I don't think you can keep that shit quiet. 1.00

02:55:45.000 It makes sense. 1.00

02:55:47.000 But now I guess I'm agreeing with the conspiracy theorists who I've heard on this podcast.

02:55:52.000 You can't totally listen to them, not because their ideas are invalid, but because a lot of times they don't absolutely know.

02:56:00.000 And people jump to conclusions.

02:56:01.000 So it's not that conspiracies don't exist, because they definitely exist.

02:56:04.000 We all know that some people conspire to do certain things.

02:56:07.000 It happens all the time.

02:56:08.000 But it's whether or not the conspiracies that we just get really attached to, whether or not they're real.

02:56:15.000 Yeah.

02:56:16.000 And oftentimes they're just not.

02:56:17.000 You know?

02:56:18.000 Yeah.

02:56:19.000 I still believe in time travel.

02:56:21.000 Time travel's totally possible.

02:56:22.000 I just don't think it's happened yet.

02:56:25.000 Dude, I think everything's possible, man. 0.61

02:56:27.000 I think we're going to come to some weird point in time, whether it's, like I said, a thousand years from now, whatever the fuck it is, there's going to be a weird point in time where we can do anything we want. 0.98

02:56:35.000 Jamie, pull up that fucking video that you showed me yesterday. 0.99

02:56:40.000 Good googly moogly. 1.00

02:56:41.000 You ready to get your mind blown?

02:56:42.000 Yes. 1.00

02:56:43.000 Have you seen this Nvidia shit? 1.00

02:56:46.000 How much time have we been on, Jamie? 1.00

02:56:47.000 Am I done?

02:56:50.000 You gotta see this.

02:56:52.000 Alright, I'll hold it.

02:56:53.000 You gotta pee?

02:56:54.000 I gotta pee, but I can keep talking.

02:56:56.000 Why don't you pee, and Brian and I will have a little chit-chat while you're gone, and then we'll come back and enjoy this.

02:57:00.000 Are you guys gonna talk about Roy Choi?

02:57:00.000 No, we're gonna be good.

02:57:02.000 It's Roy Choi shit. 1.00

02:57:03.000 Can you believe that, Brian? 1.00

02:57:04.000 I know. 1.00

02:57:04.000 What the fuck, Bert Kreischer? 1.00

02:57:06.000 Remember that part in Indiana Jones where she's riding an elephant, and then she sprays cologne on the elephant, because of the elephant smell? 1.00

02:57:14.000 No.

02:57:15.000 I hated that part.

02:57:16.000 I don't know why. 0.99

02:57:21.000 Oh my god, it's so ridiculous. 0.69

02:57:23.000 I broke this lighter while I was sitting here, and I didn't know why I was doing it while I was doing it. 0.92

02:57:27.000 I just kept pushing on little pieces of lighter and pieces are breaking off. 0.97

02:57:31.000 I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? 0.96

02:57:32.000 You probably got lighter fluid all over. 0.99

02:57:34.000 You're gonna light a joint.

02:57:36.000 I didn't.

02:57:36.000 I didn't, but I'm like, why?

02:57:38.000 What is it about pot that makes you one thing at a time just not interesting enough?

02:57:45.000 He got to think about time travel and Chipotle, and how do I break this lighter with two fingers?

02:57:50.000 Can I just use two fingers and break this lighter?

02:57:52.000 I won't push with a third finger at all.

02:57:54.000 He says time travel is possible, he thinks.

02:57:57.000 It's just not technologically here yet.

02:57:58.000 He says he needs about $250,000 to make a scale model of his machine, but if he could get funding like the Hard Run Collider, like $10 billion, then they could probably do it.

02:58:07.000 This is Mallet says that?

02:58:08.000 Yeah, that's what he said.

02:58:09.000 Jesus Christ.

02:58:10.000 I would say that too, though. 0.99

02:58:11.000 Yeah, you give me funding, like the fucking Large Hard Run Collider. 0.98

02:58:13.000 Yeah, it sounds like a scam. 1.00

02:58:14.000 I'll bring cartoons to life, bitch. 1.00

02:58:16.000 It's like Shark Tank. 1.00

02:58:18.000 Try that on Shark Tank.

02:58:19.000 Check this out, because this is the NVIDIA Tilt Brush.

02:58:23.000 Is that what it's called, Jamie?

02:58:24.000 Yeah.

02:58:24.000 It's on the HTC Vive.

02:58:26.000 Google bought this app and they're pushing it out as this thing just became made for pre-order this week.

02:58:33.000 It's like a 3D room you're in and you have like a wand and a palette kind of on, wand and right hand palette on your left hand and with some tools you can kind of pick from.

02:58:41.000 Explain what you're seeing right now.

02:58:43.000 Yeah, so this guy's painting with all sorts of different colors.

02:58:46.000 There's hyper color, there's different oil painting things, but you're painting in 3D. It looks like you're painting on a 2D plane.

02:58:52.000 And immediately, it becomes available to your eyes that you're not painting in just 2D like you've been used to your whole life.

02:58:58.000 You're actually in a 3D plane, kind of live sculpting.

02:59:02.000 You know what I want to see, though?

02:59:03.000 I want to see you be able to do that and paint and then be able to print it out on your printer.

02:59:08.000 You can't print it, but you can share it. 0.97

02:59:09.000 Well, you can now, but one day a 3D printer will be able to recreate it the same way people can pour molten silver into an ant colony and pull out a fucking ant thing.

02:59:19.000 You're going to be able to take this thing and print that too. 0.82

02:59:22.000 He's drawing a monster's ink type monster and then getting to touch it.

02:59:26.000 Well, not only that, he's making flames come out of these things.

02:59:29.000 Oh, this is badass.

02:59:31.000 Oh, look at that.

02:59:31.000 That is beautiful.

02:59:32.000 I can't wait to draw Joey Diaz with big boobs in 3D. Dude, find out when it's available and we will purchase. 0.55

02:59:40.000 It's out.

02:59:40.000 You can buy it now, but it won't ship until a couple more weeks, until mid-April.

02:59:46.000 Let's fucking do it, Brian. 0.97

02:59:47.000 Are we in? 1.00

02:59:47.000 Yes, I'm in. 1.00

02:59:48.000 Let's get this.

02:59:48.000 Would you ever do one of those podcasts with this?

02:59:52.000 Yes.

02:59:52.000 Can I link people up to this?

02:59:54.000 I'm figuring it out.

02:59:55.000 Jamie, Jamie, what's the...

02:59:57.000 We're going to have so much fun.

02:59:58.000 You can get video output.

02:59:59.000 Oh my god, look at this dragon!

03:00:01.000 Dude, back it up.

03:00:02.000 Back it up just a second.

03:00:03.000 Dude, back it up.

03:00:04.000 Look at that.

03:00:05.000 That's insane. 1.00

03:00:07.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99

03:00:07.000 There's some really cool art being made with this. 0.99

03:00:09.000 The guy that showed this to me, Chadwick at CircleVR, said he's working with, maybe I shouldn't even say, but some really cool visual artists that are making some really, really awesome things.

03:00:18.000 Wow.

03:00:18.000 And you get to almost interact with it?

03:00:20.000 You can explore this space.

03:00:23.000 This actual program records all the movements and motions that you're making.

03:00:28.000 You can upload them and share them and download them on your own.

03:00:32.000 I could watch Brian paint Joey Diaz however he wanted to.

03:00:36.000 We're talking right now and most of the people are just listening to this.

03:00:39.000 If you want to see the video, the video is entitled...

03:00:44.000 Nvidia Powers Tilt Brush Art Contest at HTC Vine at PAX 2015. And it's amazing.

03:00:53.000 I mean, it's really...

03:00:54.000 It's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

03:00:56.000 When you look at, like, the future, like, you look at technology in the future, and you think, like, what is entertainment going to be like when you see something like this?

03:01:04.000 I mean, you're going to have, like, full-on DMT trips with a headset.

03:01:08.000 Yeah.

03:01:08.000 100%.

03:01:09.000 You're not even going to have to do a drug.

03:01:10.000 And you know, that's something McKenna predicted.

03:01:13.000 Terrence McKenna predicted that one day, through virtual reality, they would figure out a way to recreate the DMT dimension. 0.98

03:01:20.000 And you'd be able to go there without actually being fucked up. 0.76

03:01:24.000 Without actually being intoxicated on DMT, you'd be able to go there. 0.98

03:01:29.000 I think DMT is the existence of time travel. 0.99

03:01:33.000 Well, I mean, it's something weird, you know, whatever the fuck it is. 1.00

03:01:37.000 Kill that. 1.00

03:01:39.000 I think about that a lot. 0.99

03:01:40.000 Why?

03:01:41.000 Have you done?

03:01:42.000 No, I reached out to Duncan and talked to him about it.

03:01:44.000 You want to do it?

03:01:45.000 I told him I did, and he said he thought it was a bad idea.

03:01:48.000 Why?

03:01:48.000 Why did he say that?

03:01:49.000 Because he knows me pretty well.

03:01:51.000 I don't want to handle you, man! 0.90

03:01:52.000 Maybe I don't have that brain. 0.97

03:01:55.000 I'm gonna babysit you, man!

03:01:57.000 You sure him now, right?

03:01:58.000 I've done every drug there is, but I've never done DMT, and I don't know if...

03:02:02.000 My biggest fear right now is not the trip, it's not the...

03:02:07.000 It's the fact that I have two children, and they rely on my brain to make them money. 1.00

03:02:12.000 So, for me to fuck with my brain, for me... 1.00

03:02:15.000 Is not the greatest thing because I got a pretty fragile brain, you know? 1.00

03:02:18.000 We've all heard of this podcast. 0.98

03:02:19.000 I fucking drink a bottle of wine on a treadmill. 0.98

03:02:22.000 Like, I'm not the guy that maybe belongs rolling the dice and going, let's see what happens. 1.00

03:02:27.000 What are you worried that would happen?

03:02:29.000 I don't come back.

03:02:30.000 You don't come back.

03:02:31.000 Yeah, that's it.

03:02:31.000 You become like the dude from Pink Floyd and just lose your marbles and shine on your crazy diamond.

03:02:36.000 Yeah, or Brian Williams.

03:02:37.000 Not Brian Williams.

03:02:38.000 Whatever his name is.

03:02:39.000 Brian Wilson.

03:02:39.000 Brian Williams, he got high on acid and thought he was in Vietnam.

03:02:43.000 Brian Williams! 1.00

03:02:49.000 I was in the shit. 1.00

03:02:50.000 I was in the shit, man. 1.00

03:02:52.000 Brian, you weren't even in that country. 1.00

03:02:53.000 You were in Iraq.

03:02:54.000 It's the only reason.

03:02:55.000 Oh, yeah.

03:02:55.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

03:02:56.000 It was the only reason I won't do it is this fear I don't come back.

03:03:01.000 Well, that's a legitimate fear.

03:03:03.000 That's it.

03:03:03.000 I love my kids.

03:03:04.000 I want them to have a great life.

03:03:05.000 And I committed to that when I had them.

03:03:07.000 And that's my fear.

03:03:08.000 Dude, I respect you massively for allowing a differentiation in family and the extraterrestrial psychosis or whatever the thing is.

03:03:22.000 Psychedelics?

03:03:23.000 That's it.

03:03:26.000 Can I tell you all I could think that whole time?

03:03:29.000 Why don't you guys have, could you guys have a VR camera, a virtual reality camera on the side, so people could throw on goggles, smoke a joint, watch the show like they were sitting in the room?

03:03:40.000 That's definitely going to happen.

03:03:41.000 I think that's bad.

03:03:42.000 It's going to happen.

03:03:43.000 There's no way we'll be able to stop it.

03:03:46.000 It's already happening.

03:03:47.000 We're close, right?

03:03:48.000 We're about how many years away, Jamie?

03:03:50.000 Less than a year.

03:03:51.000 I'll make it happen tomorrow.

03:03:52.000 Don't get crazy.

03:03:53.000 Don't get an ego on us.

03:03:56.000 There's already a few people that have live shows, like a live podcast video where it feels like you're sitting in the studio and you just can walk and look around to whatever you're doing.

03:04:06.000 That's the show.

03:04:07.000 I know the brilliance of it.

03:04:09.000 What I love about it, and when I listen, I feel like I'm in the room.

03:04:13.000 When I watch it, I still feel like I'm in the room, but man, I would be cool to be able to be on the road and throw on some glasses and just feel like I'm sitting there.

03:04:21.000 Well, it's going to happen.

03:04:23.000 It's 100% going to happen.

03:04:24.000 There's no way around it.

03:04:25.000 Did you guys watch the Oscars and see all the Samsung things where they now have the glasses where you just snap your phone in?

03:04:34.000 Glasses?

03:04:34.000 Oh, virtual reality goggles.

03:04:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

03:04:36.000 We just take it like...

03:04:38.000 Well, Lewis from Unbox Therapy brought those in.

03:04:40.000 Yeah.

03:04:40.000 And I put that on, man.

03:04:42.000 Did you put it on?

03:04:42.000 Did you try it out?

03:04:43.000 Yeah, but now they're actually advertising it on TV to the masses, like the moms and the dads.

03:04:48.000 It's on the corner.

03:04:49.000 And the one that Samsung has is cool, but there's one that has a higher resolution.

03:04:56.000 The cell phone one is real simple, because you just use your existing cell phone, you slide it into this sort of bracket, you put on the headphones, but they have some that are attached to computers.

03:05:05.000 You know, the really intensive programming as far as their ability to computate.

03:05:12.000 The big thing about visuals and about artificial reality and about virtual reality, the big thing is computational power.

03:05:21.000 To be able to create a seamless reality all the time, it's one of the things you would always see when you would play video games, is like a little bit of lag.

03:05:31.000 Like if your computer was struggling because you're...

03:05:35.000 You know, your video card couldn't keep up with the resolution of the screen and the frames per second that you had it set at.

03:05:43.000 Yeah.

03:05:44.000 Well, the resolution is a big one because it would establish what the frames per second were because, like, most video cards, like, when I used to make PCs, I used to buy, like, PCs, I used to buy the shell and buy a motherboard and hard drives and shit, and my friend Andrew,

03:05:59.000 he would always help me out. 0.98

03:06:01.000 He was my security net in case things went bad because I was like, okay, what the fuck? 0.98

03:06:05.000 And I would get on the phone with him from Oklahoma and he would talk me through it. 0.99

03:06:08.000 It's only making toast!

03:06:10.000 Yeah, but creating a PC, that's like one of the big things is like if you want to game on it, the old video cards, a lot of them, you'd have to connect two video cards together and form an SLI connection that allowed you to have like double the processing power in order for you to play at a high resolution. 0.96

03:06:27.000 Otherwise you'd have to turn the resolution down way low so that it looked like shit.

03:06:31.000 Like some guys would even take away all the The textures? 0.99

03:06:35.000 So, like say, you would be playing Quake, so you'd be going down a dark dungeon, it would look cool as fuck, and you would see crazy lighting, and the graphics are amazing, but to the hardcore competitive gamers, that shit was just distracting.

03:06:48.000 So what they would do is they would take all the textures out, And they would turn the entire space that you were playing in into this white canvas with you.

03:06:59.000 And they could even change what your character represented on their screen.

03:07:04.000 So you would say, I'm going to be this little chick character because the chick character is really difficult to hit because she's so small, it's hard to pinpoint.

03:07:14.000 Even though they all have the same sort of box that you could shoot them in.

03:07:16.000 But it was harder to pinpoint.

03:07:18.000 And other people would say, well, what I want is everybody I play to be the giant square robot so they're an easy target.

03:07:24.000 So you see this like this?

03:07:25.000 This is what Quake looks like.

03:07:27.000 This is Quake 3. What it looks like when they turn off all the textures.

03:07:33.000 There's probably better ones out there, Jamie, where you can see like a death match.

03:07:36.000 But see, there's no textures.

03:07:37.000 You don't see any texture on the ground.

03:07:39.000 You don't see any graphics.

03:07:40.000 Everything's sort of muted.

03:07:41.000 Is this theoretically what the premise of The Matrix was, where he just saw numbers?

03:07:45.000 No, no, no.

03:07:46.000 What this is is just...

03:07:47.000 It's cheating.

03:07:48.000 It's a less...

03:07:49.000 It's kind of cheating in a lot of people's eyes.

03:07:50.000 It makes you green also.

03:07:52.000 It's like, oh, here's the bright green guy.

03:07:54.000 Yeah, you can change what their character is.

03:07:57.000 So like, say...

03:07:59.000 You don't have the right, like, say if you decide that you're a girl in the game, and a lot of guys, like I said, played as a girl because it was small, you don't get to decide how other people see you.

03:08:09.000 Other people can see you as a giant circle.

03:08:12.000 Like, instead of even seeing you as a person or seeing you as a moving thing, they can see you as a circle that doesn't change, and you just become a target.

03:08:20.000 So it's way easier to hit you than it is for you to hit, or it's way easier for them to hit you than it is for you to hit them.

03:08:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

03:08:28.000 Because you've become a giant target, whereas you're playing the game the way it's intended, and they're just an octopus with a machine gun or whatever the fuck their character is. 0.99

03:08:37.000 So you can kind of manipulate things and change in the settings.

03:08:41.000 And some people like it because it makes it real simple.

03:08:45.000 It's such a fast-paced game anyway. 0.99

03:08:47.000 They're not there for all that bullshit. 0.98

03:08:49.000 They're not there for textures and the way it looks. 1.00

03:08:51.000 They're just there to kick ass and spray people. 1.00

03:08:54.000 Railgun people in the middle of the air. 1.00

03:08:57.000 They'd bounce off these bouncy pads.

03:08:59.000 You can't talk to me about video games without thinking about the way Duncan looked at him when he was addicted to them.

03:09:08.000 Oh yeah.

03:09:08.000 I think about that so much.

03:09:10.000 Wait, you mean when he was?

03:09:12.000 Well he plays a different kind of video game too.

03:09:14.000 He plays a video game that you become like a part of the game.

03:09:17.000 He's into those like massive multiplayer games.

03:09:21.000 I remember him saying, driving through the hills, thinking, oh, that's the mountains of Tildor, or whatever.

03:09:28.000 No, but I used to be addicted, this sounds really silly, but to Tony Hawk's...

03:09:33.000 For a skater.

03:09:34.000 Yeah, it was so good.

03:09:35.000 You were addicted to a skating game?

03:09:36.000 I was addicted to video games.

03:09:38.000 It's just the idea of getting into the same format.

03:09:40.000 It's just like drinking or drugs, I'm sure.

03:09:43.000 The same rituals, you know, and then all of a sudden the same payoff. 0.86

03:09:46.000 But just imagine once this shit, this technology, this virtual reality technology we were just looking at, imagine if that becomes the new video game, then things are going to be so bizarre because all they're going to have to do is figure out some sort of a bodysuit that you wear where the actions of your environment correspond to how the bodysuit feels. 0.89

03:10:09.000 Like, you could sit there with this virtual reality thing on and stand there, and when things grab at you, it'll feel like something's actually grabbing you. 0.98

03:10:18.000 Like, it's gonna get weirder and weirder.

03:10:19.000 And then eventually they're gonna go, listen, man, we can give you what we're giving you right now, but it's not as good as we can do.

03:10:24.000 What we can do is we can cut your brain open, and we can put these electrodes in there, and I can guarantee you, you are going to be a super person.

03:10:32.000 You're going to be one of the Avengers.

03:10:33.000 You're going to live on the moon. 1.00

03:10:34.000 You're going to get your dick sucked any time you snap your finger twice. 1.00

03:10:37.000 You're going to have a harem of golden girls from Planet Pussy that are here to suck your dick 24 hours a day just waiting like a corral, like immigrants trying to fucking come off of a raft and escape to freedom. 1.00

03:10:51.000 That's what it's going to be like every day of your life. 1.00

03:10:53.000 All you've got to do is cut your head open. 0.99

03:10:54.000 Stick some wires in there. 0.99

03:10:56.000 What will happen is the same thing as my wife and your wife growing chickens and growing eggs. 1.00

03:11:01.000 All of a sudden, 40 years from now, they'll be like, you know what?

03:11:05.000 I'm going to have a child.

03:11:07.000 It's the same thing, man.

03:11:08.000 Your wife does it. 0.98

03:11:09.000 My wife does it. 1.00

03:11:10.000 They have chickens, and they grow eggs, and they fucking find some sort of pleasure in almost this... 0.99

03:11:17.000 20-year jump back, 50-year jump back of like having an animal and I know you love those eggs. 0.99

03:11:23.000 I know I fucking love those eggs. 0.91

03:11:24.000 When I crack those eggs open and I go, man, I never ate scrambled eggs in my life until I got chickens. 0.99

03:11:29.000 Now I'm like fucking scrambled eggs. 0.99

03:11:32.000 How did you get away with eating no scrambled eggs? 1.00

03:11:33.000 I like them over easy. 1.00

03:11:35.000 I don't fuck with scrambled eggs. 0.99

03:11:37.000 But man, now that I know they're in my backyard, a little wet scrambled egg with some cheese on it, that's the best goddamn thing in the world because they're my eggs. 1.00

03:11:44.000 But so the same thing will happen is that progression will go just like tomatoes and cucumbers and kale, all that shit we get at a store. 0.95

03:11:50.000 Back in the day, they had to grow it. 0.99

03:11:51.000 They never even fucked with it.

03:11:53.000 Same thing will happen is one day someone will be like... 0.97

03:11:55.000 Man, this is going to sound crazy.

03:11:57.000 I'm thinking about getting a hand job.

03:11:59.000 And someone will be like, what?

03:12:00.000 From like a person?

03:12:01.000 And they're like, yeah, I'm going to disconnect.

03:12:04.000 I'm going to get one hand job.

03:12:05.000 I want to see what it feels like.

03:12:06.000 I've heard about it.

03:12:07.000 Their hands would be so tired. 0.98

03:12:08.000 The people hooked up to the Matrix, they wouldn't be able to jerk you off correctly.

03:12:12.000 They have those like really tired, atrophied hands because they haven't moved in months.

03:12:16.000 You didn't disconnect?

03:12:17.000 How great would that be, though? 0.98

03:12:19.000 A great sloppy handjob just lubed up like... 0.87

03:12:22.000 Not really good, though, because they don't have energy.

03:12:24.000 And then after they're done, they have to rest for days.

03:12:26.000 They're exhausted.

03:12:27.000 Their arm swells up with inflammation.

03:12:30.000 They tore all the ligaments in their arm because they're just not used to moving it. 0.94

03:12:33.000 And they jerked you off. 0.93

03:12:34.000 But look at you! 1.00

03:12:36.000 What the fuck? 1.00

03:12:37.000 Hunting? 1.00

03:12:38.000 With the eggs?

03:12:39.000 Powerful hands.

03:12:40.000 With the eggs?

03:12:41.000 I think this is also because we are a part of the generation that came before us, they gave birth to us, the people before them gave birth to them, and all you have to do is go back three or four times and you're living with savages, okay?

03:12:55.000 That's not that far away.

03:12:57.000 Not that far away.

03:12:58.000 You can do that five or six times.

03:12:59.000 You get to the point where there's no electricity. 0.98

03:13:01.000 You get to the point where people are burning wood and coal and shit to stay alive. 0.85

03:13:05.000 It's not that far where you do that. 0.93

03:13:07.000 You don't only do that 10 or 11 times until you get to barbarian type people. 0.64

03:13:10.000 But then you got to keep people going, let's go camping.

03:13:13.000 But this is what I'm saying.

03:13:14.000 When we're looking at the future and we're saying...

03:13:18.000 This is a real slippery slope.

03:13:20.000 Like, there's always going to be people that want eggs.

03:13:22.000 There's always going to be...

03:13:22.000 They're not going to want you to cut into their brain and create the perfect reality.

03:13:26.000 They're going to be happy with their imperfect, but yet...

03:13:30.000 Realistic reality.

03:13:31.000 I know this is real.

03:13:32.000 I'm not going to take that magic leap into you drilling a hole in my head and sticking in some sort of a USB port and plugging me into the matrix.

03:13:41.000 I'm not ready.

03:13:42.000 I'm not ready.

03:13:42.000 So they decide to go out.

03:13:43.000 But their kids might not do that, man.

03:13:46.000 You know, it might be one of those generational things where it takes just a few generations of people to go, why are you camping?

03:13:55.000 Why are you camping?

03:13:56.000 Do you want to live with dragons? 1.00

03:13:57.000 Do you want to fly to the moon on your dick? 1.00

03:13:59.000 Can you want to shoot your dick like a fucking pogo stick and launch yourself into the fucking asteroid belt? 1.00

03:14:05.000 Well, you can do it, dude. 1.00

03:14:07.000 Okay?

03:14:07.000 And it'll feel like you're really doing it.

03:14:09.000 You don't have to fucking camp. 0.99

03:14:10.000 Why are you camping? 1.00

03:14:11.000 Oh my god, did you see a bird?

03:14:12.000 Did you see a bird for real? 1.00

03:14:14.000 Did you wash your asshole in the stream? 1.00

03:14:17.000 You shat standing up? 1.00

03:14:20.000 Shut up! 1.00

03:14:21.000 I rode a dragon into a black hole, you fucking pussy. 1.00

03:14:25.000 Take the operation. 1.00

03:14:27.000 Let him stick the USB port in your brain and let's do this.

03:14:31.000 Ah, but then the next generation's like...

03:14:32.000 I'm not saying it's a good idea.

03:14:34.000 I'm just saying it's gonna happen.

03:14:35.000 I just want...

03:14:36.000 All I want, Jamie, is VR right there so I can throw on the goggles on the road and just be like...

03:14:44.000 You never get anything done.

03:14:45.000 No, just every now and then, just the same way I watch a podcast, but throw it on and be in the room.

03:14:50.000 That would be badass.

03:14:51.000 Like, just for right now's fixes in life.

03:14:55.000 Just throw on the goggles and be in the room.

03:14:56.000 It'd be really fun.

03:14:57.000 You'd be so connected to that technology.

03:14:59.000 You'd want it all the time.

03:15:01.000 It'd be so much more spectacular than regular life.

03:15:03.000 You'd want it all the time.

03:15:04.000 It'd be a real problem.

03:15:05.000 You think?

03:15:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:15:07.000 Because if you lived your life without it, and then all of a sudden it was an option, you'd be like, why would I do those other things?

03:15:14.000 I'm really confused.

03:15:17.000 There's certain options that we're not prepared for.

03:15:19.000 Maybe I wouldn't, but people would probably.

03:15:20.000 A hundred percent.

03:15:23.000 A lot of people would.

03:15:23.000 A lot of people would not be able to handle it.

03:15:25.000 It's almost like we're not born with the discipline or even the concept of those kind of parameters.

03:15:34.000 I think that's what's going on with these massive multiplayer games.

03:15:37.000 Guys like Duncan and remember Rob, the dude from the comic store we've talked about often who is addicted to EverQuest.

03:15:43.000 Same kind of stuff.

03:15:44.000 You just get, you get influenced by something that you're not really, you don't have an immune system for it.

03:15:51.000 You don't have like an intellectual immune system to say, okay, this is not real.

03:15:57.000 So we have to decide what we're doing here. 0.98

03:15:59.000 Are we going to live in the shittiest fucking neighborhood possible and rent the worst fucking apartment possible as long as it's got an internet connection and just plug Or are we going to try to live a comfortable existence on Earth, in material Earth, 0.98

03:16:15.000 where you can afford to pay your bills and you don't freak out, and occasionally use this thing? 0.99

03:16:19.000 How do we do this?

03:16:20.000 How do you manage this? 0.75

03:16:22.000 Because if it's so much better than real life, if you put it on, and all of a sudden you're an avatar, and it feels like an avatar, and you're having a fucking great time, and you're jumping through the trees and landing in these hammocks, And shit and you're all fucking flying dragons around and going to war and getting hooked up to that tree. 0.57

03:16:40.000 That's going to be real. 0.82

03:16:42.000 They're going to have that where it's going to be something that they've invented that they can send to your mind.

03:16:49.000 And it won't even be artificial.

03:16:51.000 It's not going to be like some...

03:16:54.000 Like previously created narrative where it's got a beginning and an end, like Dragon's Lair.

03:17:00.000 Remember that video game where you'd fucking turn the handle to the left and to the right, and ohhhh, you fall off the cliff?

03:17:05.000 No, I'm talking about that. 0.82

03:17:06.000 I'm talking about that computations are going to reach a point where it's so fucking powerful, they're going to be able to create a real world. 0.64

03:17:14.000 We're going to feel pebbles under your feet.

03:17:16.000 We're going to feel sand.

03:17:17.000 We're going to be thirsty. 1.00

03:17:18.000 Your dick's going to get hard. 1.00

03:17:20.000 You're going to feel like you're really there. 1.00

03:17:22.000 It's going to be indistinguishable.

03:17:24.000 It's a matter of time.

03:17:25.000 It's not if, it's when.

03:17:27.000 It's 100% when.

03:17:29.000 When you see that, this is Morse code.

03:17:32.000 This is banging on coconuts.

03:17:33.000 That's a smoke signal.

03:17:35.000 That's what that is.

03:17:36.000 It's coming, man. 0.97

03:17:38.000 It's gonna save marriages, too, because you can be able to put these little yellow or green dots on your wife and then download any girl you want and be like, oh, I'm fucking Roseanne Barr right now. 0.98

03:17:47.000 Girls will get so mad at you. 1.00

03:17:47.000 Yeah, my wife's never greenlighting that. 1.00

03:17:49.000 Stop with the downloads.

03:17:50.000 Can we do it without the dots tonight?

03:17:54.000 Sorry, I've been drinking.

03:17:57.000 Can we do it without the dots tonight?

03:17:59.000 Look, man, I live a pretty amazing life.

03:18:02.000 I love my life.

03:18:03.000 I think there will be a lot of people that trade with me.

03:18:06.000 But every now and then, I like to throw on some goggles and a bed in a hotel room and just hang out in the room and listen to you guys' podcasts.

03:18:12.000 That's all I'm saying.

03:18:14.000 I'm talking like...

03:18:16.000 You're bringing it all back.

03:18:17.000 Yeah, the first thing I think is those things are here.

03:18:21.000 We can get them.

03:18:22.000 Samsung's got them.

03:18:23.000 Plug one in.

03:18:25.000 Let me get it.

03:18:25.000 Those things, that's NVIDIA. The Samsung one is the one with the cell phone, which is pretty good.

03:18:31.000 Jamie knows what I'm talking about.

03:18:33.000 We talked about it earlier. 0.99

03:18:34.000 The NVIDIA shit is complete next level. 0.99

03:18:35.000 That's the next level. 1.00

03:18:36.000 Next, next, next, next, next level.

03:18:39.000 And when that becomes something that I think what we're going to do, and I think we should probably talk about this once we're done here, but I think the best way to do it is to find out when they're available and then set up some sort of a new studio, like a new room in here.

03:18:54.000 I got you covered.

03:18:55.000 We have that other room.

03:18:56.000 We could do something back in there.

03:18:57.000 You 100% need a room for it because it's based off of a room.

03:19:01.000 I got you covered.

03:19:02.000 I've been approached by Travel Channel and just doesn't work with us.

03:19:06.000 I'll set my guy up with you guys.

03:19:08.000 I'll just set him up with Jamie.

03:19:10.000 But it doesn't work for us.

03:19:11.000 So will you be on the first podcast we do from there?

03:19:14.000 100% naked.

03:19:16.000 100% naked?

03:19:16.000 I didn't ask for that.

03:19:18.000 I'll fuck your mouth, bro. 1.00

03:19:19.000 I'm crying! 1.00

03:19:21.000 Racist. 0.99

03:19:21.000 The gong is racist. 0.99

03:19:23.000 I am fucking in, man. 1.00

03:19:23.000 I think that... 1.00

03:19:25.000 I mean, as a fan of pot, you know, you got to always come realize I come at this, all of this, and you know this, the first time I met you, and I was like, dude, I got to see the dog, the deprivation tank, the pool table.

03:19:35.000 I'm a fan always of comedy, of podcasting.

03:19:40.000 And I can tell you what the consumer wants because this is how I use podcasting the way people use it that listen to it.

03:19:46.000 Man, when I'm on the road, like, I like to get lost.

03:19:50.000 I lay in bed and listen to it in the phone, and I just kind of, like, fall asleep and disappear into it.

03:19:56.000 That is the next level of podcasting, I believe, because, man, I'm telling you, I got a lonely night on the road.

03:20:02.000 It would be so much easier for me to, like...

03:20:04.000 Pour a glass of wine, throw on some goggles, and then just be with you guys.

03:20:08.000 It's gonna happen.

03:20:09.000 It's unavoidable.

03:20:11.000 I think the same way when you're sitting in your man cave and you're watching Netflix.

03:20:14.000 Yeah.

03:20:15.000 What are you doing?

03:20:16.000 I mean, you're watching...

03:20:18.000 Narcos.

03:20:19.000 If you're just sitting there...

03:20:20.000 Thank you, Eddie Bravo.

03:20:21.000 You decide when to watch it, right?

03:20:23.000 So you just sit down, you press play, and it's entertaining you.

03:20:27.000 And it plays right in front of you.

03:20:28.000 Imagine if you could just say...

03:20:29.000 Imagine if I could just go, you know what, honey?

03:20:32.000 I'm going to go back to the room and hang out with Brian and Joe and Jamie.

03:20:35.000 And I just throw on some goggles and then hit play, and all of a sudden I'm in the room.

03:20:38.000 And we're all in this room.

03:20:40.000 And it feels like this.

03:20:41.000 It feels like this.

03:20:42.000 Yeah.

03:20:43.000 And you're just chillin'.

03:20:44.000 Yeah.

03:20:45.000 That's the ne- I mean- And they could be a guy you let in every week that actually can sit in.

03:20:49.000 You have someone pull up a chair and sit in the virtual world.

03:20:52.000 With dots all over them.

03:20:53.000 You don't have to like pre-screen them. 1.00

03:20:54.000 Make sure they're not out of their fucking mind. 1.00

03:20:56.000 Are you jacking off? 1.00

03:20:57.000 Hey! 0.99

03:20:58.000 Hey! 0.99

03:20:59.000 Is what I'm seeing really what you're doing?

03:21:02.000 Because you could be jacking off the entire time, Esther Kuh style. 0.58

03:21:05.000 But meanwhile, you're the dude with the pocket handkerchief and the tie clip.

03:21:10.000 This is the right room to make that happen in.

03:21:11.000 I'm being dead serious when I say this.

03:21:13.000 Like I said, we've been approached for Travel Channel.

03:21:15.000 People have come to us and go, hey, could you do VR? It just doesn't work for a network TV show.

03:21:20.000 I'll send whatever contacts I have this way to Jamie.

03:21:25.000 Because as a fan, that is what I'd like to watch.

03:21:28.000 I'd like to be here.

03:21:29.000 I'd like to sit right there.

03:21:30.000 I really want to sit right here.

03:21:32.000 It's going to happen.

03:21:34.000 What we're experiencing right now is the beginning of a new revolution in entertainment where movies are going to play out like that.

03:21:41.000 I think there's also going to be movies with not just one, but multiple different possibilities, like at every turn.

03:21:48.000 Really?

03:21:48.000 Yeah, I think there's going to be interactive movies.

03:21:50.000 I think what they're going to do is they're going to figure out a way to engineer virtual reality into an integrated environment where the virtual reality is interactive and there's a bunch of different potentials.

03:22:03.000 So instead of like...

03:22:05.000 Say if you, there's a movie, you know, American Werewolf in London.

03:22:09.000 It's got a really specific beginning, a really specific moment where he becomes a werewolf, a specific moment where his girlfriend realizes he's a werewolf and then he gets killed.

03:22:20.000 There's all these specific moments that, what if instead of all those specific moments, it's completely interactive?

03:22:26.000 Like, you're actually there in London and you are this American guy and your friend...

03:22:33.000 You're telling me I'm in London?

03:22:35.000 Not only are you in London, but you're in the bogs. 1.00

03:22:41.000 You're walking around in Scotland.

03:22:43.000 You're going to go to that pub where the slaughtered lamb, remember they had the head on the wall?

03:22:48.000 All that stuff's going to be possible.

03:22:50.000 You're going to feel the rain.

03:22:51.000 You're going to feel the moisture. 1.00

03:22:52.000 They're going to be able to tap into your fucking dome, man. 0.99

03:22:55.000 They're going to be able to do something to your brain that makes you think you're really experiencing it. 1.00

03:23:00.000 You just proved me wrong on all the stuff.

03:23:03.000 They were like, it's perfect for Travel Channel.

03:23:04.000 I was like, I don't get it.

03:23:05.000 I don't get it.

03:23:05.000 And then you're like, I'm like, I could be in London?

03:23:07.000 Like throwing goggles and be fucking walking through Austria? 0.97

03:23:10.000 It's gonna happen. 1.00

03:23:11.000 That's the fucking future, man. 0.99

03:23:13.000 It might not happen while we're alive. 0.99

03:23:16.000 I think it's going to be just like when you go to Disneyland or anything where it's like, hey, I'm on the needs for speed ride, and they're like, hey, Joe, come here, I need your help.

03:23:25.000 It's just going to be way more intense.

03:23:27.000 Well, the Star Wars ride at Disneyland is a better example because they have like 68 different endings or different stories that play out.

03:23:34.000 Have you been on those rides where they are like, I only know that Universal in Orlando has them, but it's like the Spider-Man ride, the Hulk ride, where it's a screen, and it's a cart that technically doesn't move technically, but the screen shoots fire at you and shoots mist,

03:23:50.000 and you feel like you're free-falling 90 feet.

03:23:53.000 Have you been on those?

03:23:54.000 I've been on those.

03:23:55.000 I haven't been on that one, but I've been on other ones like that.

03:23:57.000 They're awesome.

03:23:58.000 Those are the ones that I believe, and we can't cover them on Burt the Conqueror, but those rides, because it's impossible.

03:24:04.000 It's all TV stuff.

03:24:05.000 It's not the smell.

03:24:08.000 When you're on The Simpsons ride, you smell baby powder.

03:24:10.000 It's literally watching like...

03:24:12.000 Oh, that's funny.

03:24:15.000 You can't get like a little bit of video of it?

03:24:17.000 I don't know.

03:24:17.000 I'm gonna try hard with shooting an episode.

03:24:19.000 I think people would want to see the little bit of video even so they go, huh, I don't even see anything.

03:24:23.000 And then you can explain, yeah, nothing is actually happening.

03:24:26.000 It's amazing.

03:24:27.000 It's amazing.

03:24:28.000 It's like the Raiders of the Lost Ark ride is a little bit like that, but a little more driven.

03:24:32.000 But it's moving. 0.99

03:24:33.000 The Raiders of the Lost Ark is Man, those fucking rods blow me away every time. 0.98

03:24:38.000 When you go, when it's just a screen, I am like a child, like literally grabbing people. 0.99

03:24:45.000 I guess that's the premise of the show also, but man, I am falling fucking apart. 0.86

03:24:51.000 Yeah, they're going to be able to have things like that times a million. 0.79

03:24:55.000 Dude, I think the next generation of roller coasters, I was talking to Benson about this, is, you know, Doug's a big roller coaster fan.

03:25:02.000 What?

03:25:02.000 Doug Benson's a really big roller coaster fan.

03:25:05.000 Really?

03:25:05.000 Like, massive.

03:25:06.000 Dude, massive.

03:25:08.000 Does he have, like, pins?

03:25:10.000 No, but he flies himself out for the opening of rides.

03:25:14.000 Like, Doug Benson.

03:25:15.000 I can't talk to him anymore.

03:25:17.000 Loves roller coasters.

03:25:18.000 What was the last time you were on a roller coaster?

03:25:20.000 Kidding. 0.99

03:25:21.000 They're fucking amazing. 0.99

03:25:22.000 They really are fucking amazing. 0.99

03:25:23.000 There's certain things that people draw a line in the sand. 0.99

03:25:26.000 Oh, you're a fan of cricket?

03:25:27.000 I can't talk to anyone. 0.99

03:25:28.000 Cricket's fucking amazing. 0.99

03:25:29.000 It lasts for four days. 0.99

03:25:31.000 How great would that be?

03:25:31.000 Does it really?

03:25:32.000 Yeah.

03:25:33.000 How great would it be if you had an ongoing communal event like, what's the score today?

03:25:37.000 It's great.

03:25:38.000 Does it really?

03:25:38.000 Four days?

03:25:39.000 Four days straight?

03:25:40.000 2020 cricket lasts for a day.

03:25:42.000 Regular cricket usually lasts for like four days. 0.97

03:25:44.000 Stink. 0.98

03:25:45.000 Don't you dare Google this, Jamie. 0.99

03:25:47.000 What a weird game.

03:25:48.000 It's so funny how baseball is weird, too, but it's normal.

03:25:51.000 Yeah.

03:25:51.000 Because we're used to that weird.

03:25:53.000 You know? 0.99

03:25:53.000 Other people are like, what the fuck is baseball so boring? 0.99

03:25:56.000 Like, in comparison to a lot of other sports, like in comparison to soccer, they can't understand why soccer never took hold. 0.98

03:26:02.000 We're like, eh, not buying it.

03:26:05.000 Soccer never took hold.

03:26:06.000 The whole world loves it.

03:26:07.000 The whole world.

03:26:08.000 Well, the reason soccer never took hold was advertising.

03:26:10.000 Correct.

03:26:11.000 Um, no, because America.

03:26:13.000 No, it's advertising.

03:26:14.000 No, it's because America.

03:26:15.000 No, soccer was very popular in the 70s.

03:26:18.000 Never was popular.

03:26:19.000 It totally was.

03:26:20.000 That's a myth, bro.

03:26:20.000 That's like Bigfoot.

03:26:21.000 That's like some shit Native Americans talk about around a campfire. 1.00

03:26:24.000 Yeah, flashing your lights to the other car when there's no headlights on and you're going to get shot. 1.00

03:26:28.000 Yeah, it's a gang initiation.

03:26:29.000 You didn't hear about that one?

03:26:30.000 No.

03:26:31.000 Sour Cream, Taco Bell.

03:26:32.000 I think I saw a movie with Ethan Hawke about that.

03:26:34.000 Durable, Richard Gere.

03:26:36.000 That's true. 1.00

03:26:38.000 Tom Segura, your dick. 1.00

03:26:40.000 Oh. 1.00

03:26:41.000 Oh.

03:26:44.000 Unnecessary.

03:26:46.000 Have we broken over the three-hour point?

03:26:48.000 Oh, for sure.

03:26:48.000 Okay, I'm just wondering.

03:26:49.000 I keep feeling like I should wrap it up.

03:26:51.000 We're deep into it.

03:26:51.000 You want to wrap it?

03:26:52.000 Are we wrapping it?

03:26:53.000 Let's wrap it.

03:26:54.000 Let's have a fake wrap.

03:26:55.000 We fake wrapped it.

03:26:56.000 I can fake wrap it.

03:26:57.000 No, it's not wrapping it.

03:26:58.000 We're going to give ourselves another five minutes.

03:26:59.000 I feel like the conversation just got perfect.

03:27:02.000 It's good.

03:27:02.000 It's in a good place.

03:27:04.000 I'm very happy.

03:27:05.000 I've gotten over the stupor of about 40 minutes ago where I was so high I shouldn't have been talking to anybody ever.

03:27:11.000 No, pretend you work up a total A. I hit a moment where I was like, whoa, you're way too high, son.

03:27:17.000 My idea was good, it's just I couldn't remember what it was halfway into it. 0.99

03:27:22.000 The idea being like, pick a regular job and imagine if like 8 out of 10 people came there wanted to fuck you. 0.99

03:27:28.000 But it probably, if a girl was watching a guy's ball as an asshole, it'd probably be more than 8 out of 10. I'm probably really conservative about how it is. 1.00

03:27:33.000 Well, this girl, she knew that was a part of her job.

03:27:36.000 She made more money.

03:27:37.000 It's a different gig.

03:27:38.000 I saw you hit that joint more than I've ever seen you hit a joint.

03:27:41.000 It's pretty strong.

03:27:41.000 Pretty strong stuff.

03:27:42.000 We were deep.

03:27:43.000 We went in the hole.

03:27:44.000 Yeah.

03:27:45.000 Deep in the rabbit hole.

03:27:48.000 You think Stanhope's still listening?

03:27:49.000 Kreischer. 1.00

03:27:50.000 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

03:27:51.000 He's got shit to do out there. 1.00

03:27:52.000 He's got javelinas trying to kill his neighbor's dogs. 1.00

03:27:54.000 Do you know about that? 1.00

03:27:55.000 Javelinas killed a fucking dog down the street from him. 1.00

03:27:58.000 What's a javelina? 1.00

03:27:59.000 Javelina is a weird... 0.99

03:28:00.000 It looks like a pig, but it's actually like a cousin of a pig. 0.99

03:28:03.000 I think it's called a peccary.

03:28:05.000 I think that's the technical name for what kind of an animal it is.

03:28:10.000 But it's this weird, freaky-looking thing that lives in the American Southwest. 1.00

03:28:13.000 And those motherfuckers will kill dogs. 1.00

03:28:17.000 They killed a dog in Stanhope's neighborhood. 1.00

03:28:20.000 What I understand what they do is they flank them. 0.99

03:28:22.000 They get on the side of them, and they just fucking all run at them and tear them apart. 0.96

03:28:27.000 So if they have, you know, you let some domesticated, really soft dog loose, and you leave them out there in the plains? 0.98

03:28:39.000 Where do they live?

03:28:41.000 The desert.

03:28:42.000 The desert?

03:28:42.000 The desert.

03:28:43.000 You leave them out there in the desert to play, these motherfuckers literally might jump on them and eat them. 1.00

03:28:49.000 Like, look at those teeth. 1.00

03:28:51.000 Those are aggressive teeth.

03:28:52.000 They don't really go after people.

03:28:53.000 Here's a really interesting thing about javelinas.

03:28:56.000 They're an animal that responds in an insane way to what's called a predator call. 1.00

03:29:03.000 And a predator call Look at the fucking teeth on that thing. 1.00

03:29:07.000 That looks like a bear. 1.00

03:29:07.000 That's a big-ass javelina. 1.00

03:29:08.000 They're not that big, but they're fucking ferocious. 1.00

03:29:12.000 These are ferocious animals. 1.00

03:29:13.000 They're so powerful.

03:29:15.000 So they take this sound.

03:29:17.000 A predator call is like a sound of an animal that's dying.

03:29:20.000 So they have this thing.

03:29:21.000 It's like...

03:29:22.000 Like something in agony, something in pain. 1.00

03:29:25.000 And these motherfuckers come running. 1.00

03:29:29.000 Like, you've never seen anything before. 1.00

03:29:31.000 Like, the way my friend Remy Warren described it, he said, Javelin has come to a predator call the way you wish all animals came to a predator call.

03:29:39.000 Like, when you call them, they come running at you, full blast, running, just waiting to jack whatever's making that noise.

03:29:45.000 Like, it's a race between them and all the other monsters behind them that are chasing to try to find this rabbit that's screaming that probably broke its leg or something.

03:29:56.000 Oh, dude, it's crazy. 1.00

03:29:58.000 Holy fuck. 1.00

03:29:58.000 When you see them run, they're just running towards that sound. 1.00

03:30:01.000 Like, full clip.

03:30:02.000 They're not cautious at all.

03:30:03.000 They're just trying to get it in as quick as they can. 0.99

03:30:06.000 Holy shit. 1.00

03:30:07.000 The wild is so fucking scary, dude. 1.00

03:30:10.000 Wild animals are so scary. 1.00

03:30:13.000 The wild of being a fucking peccary running around in Doug Stanhope's neighborhood trying to get by in the desert seven miles away from Mexico. 0.99

03:30:23.000 Have you seen Man on a Buffalo? 0.99

03:30:24.000 About this guy, he rides a buffalo around like it's a horse and then he gets attacked by a cougar and saves a baby and all this stuff.

03:30:30.000 It's like a documentary from the 70s.

03:30:32.000 It's really good.

03:30:33.000 But I highly recommend episode two of Man on a Buffalo.

03:30:38.000 No one say anything after that. 0.98

03:30:39.000 That is the perfect fucking sentence ever. 1.00

03:30:42.000 Brian just dropped a fucking gem. 1.00

03:30:45.000 I had a record. 0.99

03:30:46.000 Is that about fucking seriously? 0.98

03:30:48.000 Orphans, cougars, and whatnot. 0.99

03:30:50.000 Yeah, Guy on a Buffalo, episode two.

03:30:52.000 Brian, can I tell you something?

03:30:53.000 I've seen this.

03:30:55.000 This is the greatest video in the world.

03:30:57.000 This is insane.

03:30:58.000 How does he get that buffalo to listen?

03:30:59.000 I don't know, but...

03:31:00.000 Buffaloes are the most unpredictable animals.

03:31:02.000 See, he finds a baby in the middle of nowhere.

03:31:04.000 Yeah, we drove buffalo across Texas, and it's like one of the most unpredictable animals.

03:31:09.000 This might be the worst show ever.

03:31:10.000 And then, if you listen to the song, unfortunately...

03:31:13.000 Look, the baby's about to drown.

03:31:14.000 Oh, the song's good.

03:31:15.000 The guy falls in the water and has to rescue the baby.

03:31:20.000 I think this is a joke, Brian.

03:31:21.000 No, no, no.

03:31:22.000 This is a real movie in the 70s.

03:31:23.000 Watch. 1.00

03:31:24.000 Because watch, the next thing, a fucking cougar just attacks him. 1.00

03:31:27.000 Hang on, hang on. 1.00

03:31:28.000 Jamie, back it up two seconds.

03:31:29.000 Joe, listen to the lyrics.

03:31:30.000 I think this might be a joke.

03:31:32.000 No, the song you got, this guy took a real movie and just, but the song's good.

03:31:36.000 The sound's fake.

03:31:37.000 Let's take that sound off.

03:31:39.000 Go to the cougar part.

03:31:40.000 Um, do you remember Grizzly Adams? 0.99

03:31:42.000 Oh, fuck yeah, that guy just died, right? 0.99

03:31:44.000 Right here, look. 1.00

03:31:45.000 Oh, did he?

03:31:45.000 Yeah.

03:31:46.000 Oh, the guy's crawling, looking to kill this deer.

03:31:48.000 And the cougar gets him.

03:31:50.000 And then a wolf attacks the buffalo, and the buffalo is like, get out of here, man. 0.99

03:31:56.000 Oh shit, this cougar really is hanging on this guy. 1.00

03:31:59.000 How the fuck did they train that cat? 1.00

03:32:00.000 He's punching the cat. 0.99

03:32:02.000 Oh my god.

03:32:03.000 I think that's scripting gone wrong.

03:32:06.000 How do you?

03:32:06.000 Do you think so?

03:32:07.000 Of course, yeah, I've worked with animals like that. 0.99

03:32:09.000 Oh shit, a wolf came after that buffalo and got donked. 0.98

03:32:12.000 Yeah, I worked with lions and... 1.00

03:32:14.000 Wait, what?

03:32:16.000 No, I worked with lions, bears, and elephants.

03:32:18.000 Did you really?

03:32:19.000 Yeah, of course. 0.98

03:32:20.000 And when a lion fucks with you, it's not that aggressive. 0.97

03:32:24.000 It's like paw-paw. 0.99

03:32:26.000 So what that was doing was a fuck-up? 0.98

03:32:27.000 That looked like a fuck-up? 0.97

03:32:28.000 It looks like the trainer. 0.98

03:32:30.000 That was probably the trainer that shot that.

03:32:32.000 Because it looks like a trainer knowing how to handle an animal like that.

03:32:35.000 Oh.

03:32:36.000 When I fought a bear, I found a video of it.

03:32:40.000 Don't kill this movie for me, man.

03:32:42.000 No.

03:32:43.000 That's why I have the marshmallow shirts.

03:32:44.000 I've told you that story a million times.

03:32:46.000 No, he's talking about that movie.

03:32:48.000 He said, don't kill the buffalo guy movie.

03:32:51.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

03:32:51.000 I'm pretty fucked up. 1.00

03:32:53.000 But when you fight a bear or you fight a lion, it really is uninteresting. 0.99

03:33:02.000 Yeah, it's a lot of like, it's scary for you in doing it, but when you watch it on video, it's a lot like, it's a lot more dramatic for you in the moment than it looks. 0.98

03:33:13.000 Because they're very fucking tame. 0.80

03:33:17.000 So, yeah. 0.96

03:33:18.000 I told her on Ari's This Is Not Happening story.

03:33:21.000 I fought a bear, but it's literally like you feel like you're getting lifted off the ground and shaking by your head, but they're just moving you around a little bit, but they're so fucking powerful that literally, to watch that, I mean, just in my own experience, and I fought a lot of animals, I look at that and I just go...

03:33:39.000 How do you not have this in your act?

03:33:41.000 Like, you fought a lot of animals.

03:33:42.000 Because, man, I'm trying to talk about my kids. 1.00

03:33:45.000 I go through this chunk of my kids, I gotta get rid of this, got rid of my wife's shit, and then I'm fucking on. 0.98

03:33:50.000 April 1st at the Irvine Improv, ladies and gentlemen, come see one of the funniest men on the planet Earth, Bert Kreischer, film his Showtime special. 0.99

03:34:02.000 For tickets, go to BertBertBert.com.

03:34:05.000 Please subscribe to the Bert Kreischer Podcast.

03:34:09.000 Please also subscribe to the What Red Band Do Podcast, new and improved.

03:34:15.000 No.

03:34:16.000 New!

03:34:17.000 It's a great podcast between the two of you guys.

03:34:18.000 It's improved from the first one to the next one to the next one to the next one.

03:34:21.000 It's more improved.

03:34:22.000 It's more improved.

03:34:23.000 As is this one. 1.00

03:34:23.000 We're all a work in progress, you fuck. 1.00

03:34:26.000 Stop being so critical. 1.00

03:34:27.000 We'll see you soon, ladies and gentlemen.

03:34:29.000 Can I promote a show?

03:34:30.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

03:34:30.000 Desquad Austin and Houston next week.

03:34:33.000 March 11th, Houston.

03:34:35.000 12th, 13th, Austin.

03:34:36.000 With the young and talented George Perez.

03:34:38.000 Yes.

03:34:38.000 And then San Jose.

03:34:39.000 I want to see him do stand-up.

03:34:41.000 Funny guy.

03:34:41.000 Good dude, too.

03:34:43.000 Bert Kreischer, any last words?

03:34:46.000 Calling Sick to Work show, March 17th, Grand Rapids Distillery, Wise Guys in Utah, right before my special, April 1st, in Irvine.

03:34:54.000 Joe, I love you.

03:34:55.000 Thank you for having me on.

03:34:55.000 I love you, too, brother.

03:34:56.000 It's always a pleasure.

03:34:57.000 Always a great time, man.

03:34:58.000 Always a pleasure.

03:34:58.000 All right, folks, see you guys in Vegas tomorrow night.

03:35:02.000 Joey Diaz, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me will be at the Codd Theater.

03:35:05.000 Can't wait for that.

03:35:06.000 Then the UFC's the next night.

03:35:08.000 Can't.

03:35:08.000 Wait for that.

03:35:09.000 Who's going to win, Joe?

03:35:10.000 Who's going to win?

03:35:12.000 See you later, folks!

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 03, 2016

Joe Rogan Experience #769 - Bert Kreischer

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