The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #77 - Eddie Ifft

00:00:02.000 What is that other thing that you have saved there?

00:00:14.000 John Mayer.

00:00:16.000 That's John Mayer?

00:00:18.000 What is it?

00:00:20.000 John Mayer won't sue us.

00:00:21.000 He likes us you can play Start from scratch.

00:00:29.000 Why?

00:00:30.000 Because the mp3 recorder is not...

00:00:32.000 Oh, okay.

00:00:33.000 Ready?

00:00:33.000 Go.

00:00:34.000 Do you open your show with, uh, Your Body is Wonderland? 0.96

00:00:38.000 Yes.

00:00:38.000 My body is Wonderland, bro.

00:00:41.000 Don't hate.

00:00:42.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:46.000 Take three. 1.00

00:00:50.000 Folks, this is a fucking ghetto podcast, alright? 1.00

00:00:52.000 This is how we rock it. 0.99

00:00:53.000 Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Eddie F does join us, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:58.000 Please give it up for Eddie F. That's IFFT. You can find him on Twitter.

00:01:01.000 He's a hilarious stand-up comedian and a good pal of mine.

00:01:05.000 And we are sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:01:07.000 Before we go any further...

00:01:09.000 Go to JoeRogan.net, click the link, and type in the name Rogan, and you get 15% off. 0.99

00:01:14.000 It's fucking a fabulous masturbation tool, Mr. F. I know you're not into those things. 0.99

00:01:18.000 You're a wholesome gentleman. 1.00

00:01:20.000 You're not that type of boy.

00:01:21.000 I even go dry.

00:01:22.000 You go dry?

00:01:23.000 I go dry, too.

00:01:24.000 I feel like when I put lube in my hand that I'm really committing to beating off, and it's like, what's wrong with me?

00:01:29.000 I can't even do dry.

00:01:30.000 Dry, I feel like I can just get in and get out when I need to.

00:01:33.000 Yeah, but when I do the fleshlight, you have to use lube. 0.99

00:01:36.000 With Flesh Lake, do they have celebrity vaginas and stuff? 1.00

00:01:39.000 Yes, of course they do. 0.99

00:01:40.000 Yeah, that's great.

00:01:41.000 They've thought of it all. 0.99

00:01:42.000 They have alien vaginas, like blue ones that look like Avatar bitches, but it's not Avatar, of course. 1.00

00:01:47.000 It's alien, because if it's Avatar, they'd have to pay. 0.99

00:01:50.000 I hung out with the Fleshlight guy last night.

00:01:51.000 I had a great time.

00:01:52.000 So, Chuck Liddell was cool.

00:01:55.000 Yeah, if he's in town next week, we're going to get him.

00:01:57.000 He doesn't work for Fleshlight anymore.

00:01:58.000 He quit.

00:01:59.000 He opened up his own company.

00:02:00.000 Do they have any really, really obscure people?

00:02:00.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:02:04.000 Obscure porn stars? 0.99

00:02:05.000 I'm sure they do. 0.95

00:02:06.000 I haven't looked through the catalog.

00:02:08.000 Yeah, even though I'm a part of the company, I have not looked through the catalog.

00:02:12.000 Do you have a loop, eh? 0.99

00:02:13.000 You know, like, I was fleshlighting with Roseanne Barr's vagina. 1.00

00:02:17.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:02:18.000 I bet she would do it.

00:02:19.000 Roseanne would probably do it. 1.00

00:02:20.000 I bet Rosie O'Donnell might do it, too. 1.00

00:02:23.000 But there's a lot of lesbians that would do it, just to think that someone's out there using their vagina properly. 1.00

00:02:28.000 With Rosie's, you'd have to take two fleshlights and just rub them together. 0.99

00:02:31.000 that's like humor Eddie Ift is also on a podcast you guys call it Talking Shit Yeah, Talking Shit with Jim Jeffries and Eddie Ift. 0.97

00:02:43.000 With Jim Jeffries and Eddie Ift. 0.98

00:02:44.000 And recently you guys got fucked because I guess you swore in your iTunes. 0.97

00:02:49.000 Yeah, just our title. 0.98

00:02:51.000 A title for the episode? 0.99

00:02:52.000 We had one title once that was called, I Guess I'm Gonna Have to Eat This Dude's Cunt, was one of them, where a guy named Brian McCarthy told us a story about how he fucked a post-op transsexual. 0.99

00:03:05.000 Whoa. 0.99

00:03:05.000 And he was telling the story about how she told him she used to be a dude. 0.99

00:03:09.000 Before he fucked her. 0.99

00:03:10.000 Before he fucked her, but he said he was already like so into it that he was like, all right. 1.00

00:03:14.000 And they're having a threesome with her, and the dude's getting a blowjob. 1.00

00:03:14.000 Oh. 1.00

00:03:18.000 And he's like, I'm looking at the back. 1.00

00:03:19.000 And he goes, and I realize, I guess I'm going to have to eat this dude's cunt. 1.00

00:03:24.000 Oh, God. 1.00

00:03:25.000 So we titled it that.

00:03:27.000 So he did?

00:03:28.000 Yeah, he did.

00:03:29.000 He went down.

00:03:31.000 It's our episode three.

00:03:32.000 We still think it's our funniest episode.

00:03:33.000 What is this guy's name again?

00:03:34.000 Brian McCarthy.

00:03:35.000 He actually lives right out here. 0.98

00:03:36.000 He's crazy.

00:03:37.000 Is he a comic? 0.98

00:03:37.000 Brian McCarthy. 0.98

00:03:38.000 No.

00:03:39.000 Sort of.

00:03:40.000 He hosts all these things.

00:03:41.000 He's got a show on National Lampoon Radio.

00:03:44.000 He's the funniest.

00:03:45.000 If he came in a room with a bunch of comics, every comic would go, that's the funniest guy in the room.

00:03:50.000 Really? 0.98

00:03:50.000 Fucking hilarious. 0.98

00:03:51.000 Wait a minute. 0.99

00:03:52.000 What if Joey Diaz is in that room?

00:03:54.000 I'm telling you.

00:03:55.000 You can't tell me there's a guy alive that's funnier than Joey Diaz.

00:03:57.000 Sounds like a challenge.

00:03:58.000 That sounds like nonsense.

00:04:00.000 Joey Diaz would find this guy really funny.

00:04:03.000 Really? 1.00

00:04:03.000 He's fucking weird. 1.00

00:04:03.000 Really? 1.00

00:04:05.000 There's no way to explain him.

00:04:06.000 I believe you, but I don't believe he's funnier than Joey Diaz.

00:04:08.000 I don't think that's possible. 0.95

00:04:09.000 He's like this fat guy that he's got a wife and kids' normal life, but he directs porn on the side. 0.98

00:04:14.000 And he wears pink polo shirts and white bucks. 0.99

00:04:18.000 And he's got this secret life that he leads.

00:04:22.000 Maybe you shouldn't be talking about it on the podcast.

00:04:24.000 On our podcast, he told a story about smuggling weed from Jamaica in boom boxes and getting arrested and having to go to jail for two and a half months.

00:04:31.000 In Jamaica?

00:04:32.000 No, when he got to America and he went to jail and he stayed in jail for two and a half months rather than tell, call his parents to get him bailed out because he didn't want his mom to know.

00:04:32.000 Yeah.

00:04:40.000 So he was just going to sit it out and let his mom think he was in Jamaica.

00:04:44.000 Oh my God. 1.00

00:04:45.000 He's just a fucked up funny. 0.99

00:04:46.000 How old was he when this happened? 0.99

00:04:48.000 Like 20 years old.

00:04:49.000 Oh my God.

00:04:49.000 I'd just rather take two and a half months in prison.

00:04:52.000 Jesus Christ. 0.97

00:04:53.000 So he's just wired crazy. 1.00

00:04:55.000 Damn, that's a dude that will fucking keep a secret though. 1.00

00:04:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:04:58.000 That's a guy that I'd want working for me.

00:05:00.000 Two and a half months?

00:05:00.000 Yeah.

00:05:01.000 Two and a half months.

00:05:02.000 Two and a half months in jail instead of telling his mom?

00:05:04.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:04.000 That's a fucking soldier right there. 1.00

00:05:06.000 Yeah, we got a soldier. 1.00

00:05:07.000 Brian McCarthy, huh?

00:05:08.000 That's his name?

00:05:08.000 And it's episode three of your podcast.

00:05:10.000 We can hear this?

00:05:11.000 I need to hear this now.

00:05:12.000 And then we have, on our show, it's one of the funniest stories you'll ever hear in your own life.

00:05:18.000 I swear to God. 1.00

00:05:19.000 He's talking about fucking the pussy and he's like, it felt like frozen gummy bears. 1.00

00:05:24.000 That's the only thing I can describe. 1.00

00:05:26.000 Because I think they didn't get rid of all the dick meat. 0.99

00:05:28.000 They just stumbled. 1.00

00:05:30.000 He's like, so I'm fucking, and he goes, now if I tell you this pussy just looked like a sloppy mess, you should have seen the asshole. 1.00

00:05:37.000 But I couldn't get any friction in the pussy, because I guess the doctor didn't do a good job. 1.00

00:05:41.000 So I'm pinching the pussy down, and I'm fucking the ass. 1.00

00:05:43.000 Oh, he fucked this guy and his asshole? 1.00

00:05:45.000 Oh, he did everything. 1.00

00:05:46.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:05:49.000 Oh, he's a mental kid. 0.99

00:05:49.000 Jesus Christ! 0.99

00:05:50.000 And he's not even gay?

00:05:51.000 Not at all. 0.99

00:05:52.000 What the fuck is that about? 0.99

00:05:53.000 He told a story about how he let a guy blow him one time, because he was out with this... 0.99

00:05:57.000 And he's not a good-looking dude.

00:05:58.000 He was out with this supermodel chick, really hot, famous Playboy model.

00:06:02.000 And they were out, and they were all doing coke and partying. 1.00

00:06:05.000 And she goes, I'll let you do anything you want to me if you let this guy suck your dick. 1.00

00:06:10.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:06:11.000 And he went...

00:06:12.000 Well, he goes, what do I have to lose? 0.64

00:06:15.000 He goes, if I like it, then I'm gay.

00:06:18.000 He's like, so?

00:06:18.000 He goes, that solves a lot of problems for me in life.

00:06:21.000 He's like, so I let the guy do it.

00:06:23.000 And apparently the guy that did it is this famous writer for Vanity Fair. 1.00

00:06:26.000 And he let the guy suck his dick. 1.00

00:06:27.000 And he said, as soon as I felt the growth, the stubble of his beard hit the base of my cock, he goes, I've never gone so limp in my life. 1.00

00:06:35.000 And he goes, I went, I'm not gay! 1.00

00:06:39.000 Now, did he fuck the chick afterwards? 1.00

00:06:41.000 He did fuck the chick afterwards. 1.00

00:06:42.000 He said maybe he was too coked up to fuck her that night, but he got to afterwards. 1.00

00:06:46.000 So the guy went limp, meaning that he was hard before the stubble hit him. 0.99

00:06:50.000 Yeah, well, she got him hard or something. 0.99

00:06:53.000 It was a crazy fucking story. 1.00

00:06:55.000 This dude knows how to party. 1.00

00:06:57.000 No, he doesn't.

00:06:58.000 No, I do not want to party with him.

00:06:59.000 He does not know how to party. 1.00

00:07:00.000 That guy's an idiot. 1.00

00:07:01.000 She sucked a... 1.00

00:07:02.000 Had a guy suck his dick. 1.00

00:07:04.000 That's not a guy who knows how to party. 1.00

00:07:05.000 That's silly. 0.81

00:07:06.000 He's, uh... 1.00

00:07:07.000 I would rather not fuck that girl. 1.00

00:07:08.000 That girl has a lot of outrageous demands. 1.00

00:07:10.000 You know who he's friends with?

00:07:11.000 He's friends with the dude who's a pretty amazing dude to me, too, that owned Consumption Junction.

00:07:16.000 Do you remember that website?

00:07:16.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:07:18.000 Well, I went to Arizona to do shows.

00:07:19.000 It's all like crazy stuff, right?

00:07:21.000 Consumption Junction is all like car accidents.

00:07:22.000 Is that still around?

00:07:23.000 I don't know if it is, but the dude sold the website and made millions of dollars.

00:07:26.000 Powerful.

00:07:27.000 He's his best friend and I went to Arizona to Scottsdale or whatever Tempe to do shows there.

00:07:32.000 And he's like, let me call my friend.

00:07:33.000 He'll show up at your show.

00:07:35.000 So the dude shows up and sits down and starts telling me stories.

00:07:38.000 He's like, so I'm in Panama. 0.69

00:07:40.000 Because, you know, there's no extradition laws there, and we're doing mountains of coke, and we're fucking these girls, and I'm pissing all over them, and we're all in the shower, and there's eight girls for me, and eight girls for my friend, and, like, these guys just live in a world that, like, they make movies about. 1.00

00:07:55.000 Holy shit. 0.98

00:07:56.000 And they tell me these stories, and I'm like, are they just, are they lying to me to impress me because I'm a comic? 0.98

00:08:01.000 And then you see his website, and you go, oh, okay.

00:08:03.000 There's guys that are doing that.

00:08:05.000 There's these Joe Francis-type characters that are, you know, like, that guy is notorious.

00:08:09.000 I think these guys are beyond that.

00:08:09.000 Yeah.

00:08:10.000 This dude now owns a website called Sugar Sugar.

00:08:13.000 It depends on how much money you have.

00:08:15.000 If you're a sociopath and you've got a billion dollars, you can do some damage.

00:08:15.000 It really does.

00:08:19.000 You can just go out there and ball all the time.

00:08:22.000 I know some people that are big finance people.

00:08:26.000 Back in the early days of the UFC. And these guys had tons and tons of money.

00:08:29.000 This guy was ugly as fuck. 1.00

00:08:31.000 And this guy used to travel all over the country just banging chicks. 1.00

00:08:33.000 And he'd always tell me stories about being in Ibiza and being in Russia and being here. 0.99

00:08:38.000 And he's just a fucking 20th century baller. 0.98

00:08:40.000 That's awesome. 0.99

00:08:41.000 This guy was just roaming the country, roaming the world rather, just everywhere.

00:08:44.000 Party.

00:08:45.000 And especially if you go to other countries.

00:08:46.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:08:47.000 In other countries people just fuck. 1.00

00:08:48.000 That's a guy I want to hang out with. 1.00

00:08:49.000 It's not like America. 0.71

00:08:51.000 America's a different rap.

00:08:52.000 You know that because you go to Australia like six months a year, right?

00:08:55.000 I toured for about six years extensively around the world, like doing China and Dubai and all these, South Africa. 0.99

00:09:02.000 And I saw some shady, shady shit. 0.99

00:09:04.000 Like you just start finding out, like prostitutes are $50 around the world. 1.00

00:09:08.000 And I was at a party one night in Dubai where everyone was so fucked up. 1.00

00:09:13.000 They went, oh, let's get hookers. 1.00

00:09:14.000 And when we found out they were $50, we were like, well, let's get 10 each. 0.99

00:09:20.000 And it was like, we didn't even want to have sex with them.

00:09:23.000 It started with $50. 0.75

00:09:28.000 I just want them to come over and listen to my jokes.

00:09:31.000 You created your own audience.

00:09:33.000 Everybody gets 10. We've got 30 people.

00:09:35.000 That's a decent night in the OR. Imagine having an audience you could fuck afterwards. 1.00

00:09:38.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:09:39.000 Well, this is what happened.

00:09:41.000 I'm not going to mention the names because some of them are, you know, comics that work here, but there was a whole bunch of comics and everybody started upping the ante. 0.97

00:09:48.000 They're like, I want to just have them come over and fucking pour maple syrup all over them and we're going to swim around the fucking bathroom floor. 1.00

00:09:55.000 I want to put Pringles on. 0.99

00:09:56.000 This is in Dubai?

00:09:58.000 Did you guys worry about being arrested?

00:09:58.000 This is in Dubai.

00:10:00.000 Because they have some really crazy laws over there. 0.99

00:10:02.000 From the minute we got there to the minute we left on this trip, we were so fucked up. 0.99

00:10:06.000 That it never occurred to me. 0.98

00:10:08.000 And then my next trip over, I got fucked up in customs and thought I was never coming back.

00:10:13.000 What happened? 0.82

00:10:14.000 I didn't have the proper visa and I tried to leave. 0.98

00:10:18.000 I missed my flight because I was all fucked up. 0.96

00:10:20.000 Oh, this was the same trip on the way back. 0.98

00:10:23.000 I tried to leave like...

00:10:25.000 The other two comics got on the plane. 0.99

00:10:27.000 I missed the plane out of just being so fucked up. 0.99

00:10:30.000 I was in an internet cafe. 0.99

00:10:31.000 I missed the plane and then I'm like, fuck, the next flight's not for 24 hours to London. 0.74

00:10:36.000 So I try to leave the airport to go to a hotel and my visa was only good for like three or four days or whatever. 0.99

00:10:44.000 So they checked my visa, they checked my passport and they didn't match because my agent fucked up. 0.98

00:10:50.000 Oh no.

00:10:51.000 My agent put my middle name or something on it somehow.

00:10:56.000 You easily could be a spy too.

00:10:58.000 Look at you.

00:10:58.000 Yeah.

00:10:59.000 Spy look to him.

00:11:01.000 Guy just took my passport, walked away, and I never saw my passport again until 24 hours later.

00:11:06.000 So I'm without a passport.

00:11:06.000 Wow.

00:11:07.000 The next thing I know, I'm in an office. 1.00

00:11:09.000 Next thing I know, fucking strip search. 1.00

00:11:11.000 I've done. 1.00

00:11:12.000 They've gone through everything in my bag.

00:11:14.000 They've gone through my computer.

00:11:15.000 When they open up my computer...

00:11:17.000 My heart started beating so fast that I'm like...

00:11:20.000 Because pornography is illegal in the Middle East.

00:11:22.000 And they tell you, don't buy porn.

00:11:23.000 The guys are going to try to sell it to you in the streets.

00:11:25.000 Don't buy it.

00:11:26.000 So they looked on every folder in your laptop?

00:11:26.000 They could be spied.

00:11:29.000 They opened my laptop.

00:11:31.000 And when they opened it, I was just like, this is it. 1.00

00:11:33.000 I'm going to be in fucking prison. 1.00

00:11:36.000 Middle Eastern prison for the rest of my life. 1.00

00:11:38.000 Because I downloaded like topless car wash angels.

00:11:40.000 You know, like that's... 1.00

00:11:41.000 Like this is fucked. 1.00

00:11:43.000 And... 1.00

00:11:44.000 I had called my girlfriend at the time because they kept making me go.

00:11:47.000 Before they kind of held me in this office, they were like, go to this office.

00:11:51.000 And I'd go to this office.

00:11:52.000 They'd be like, go to this office.

00:11:54.000 And I kept walking down hallways.

00:11:55.000 And they're like, go down this hallway.

00:11:56.000 And they make me walk down this hallway.

00:11:58.000 And there's a big sign that says...

00:12:01.000 Like, nobody is allowed past this point.

00:12:03.000 No one at all.

00:12:05.000 Like, whatever in English it said.

00:12:06.000 And I'm like, they told me, go down that hall.

00:12:09.000 And I'm like, I'm not going down that hall.

00:12:11.000 Like, they're setting me up or something.

00:12:14.000 So I call her on the phone.

00:12:15.000 I've got my cell phone.

00:12:16.000 And I go, listen. 1.00

00:12:19.000 I'm fucked. 0.99

00:12:20.000 I don't know what's going on, but if you don't hear from me in two hours, call the U.S. Embassy and tell them I'm in trouble. 1.00

00:12:26.000 I said, something's fucked up here. 0.88

00:12:28.000 And Dubai's supposed to be like the most progressive place in the world. 0.97

00:12:31.000 What?

00:12:32.000 No, it's not.

00:12:33.000 Not in the world, but I mean in the Middle East.

00:12:34.000 Of the Middle Eastern countries.

00:12:36.000 Yeah, but that's just because they want the money. 0.99

00:12:37.000 Exactly.

00:12:38.000 They want tourism.

00:12:39.000 They want it to be Vegas of the desert.

00:12:40.000 Yeah, they look the other way. 1.00

00:12:41.000 You see shit like Russian hookers barbecuing sausages on the beach, like topless, and you're like, wait a minute. 1.00

00:12:47.000 Really? 1.00

00:12:48.000 This is a fucking Muslim country. 1.00

00:12:49.000 But I've heard that people have been arrested that we're making out there. 1.00

00:12:51.000 So it was just subjective?

00:12:52.000 Like, they decide when to enforce it?

00:12:54.000 That was Sex and the City, wasn't it?

00:12:55.000 No, no.

00:12:56.000 It was a real couple.

00:12:57.000 A real couple was making out. 1.00

00:12:58.000 There's weird fucking shit. 1.00

00:12:59.000 Like, we had drinks, beers, on our van. 1.00

00:13:02.000 And I was over there another time shooting a documentary.

00:13:04.000 And we had beers on the van after we shot one night.

00:13:07.000 And we had a female that worked for the Emirates with us. 0.99

00:13:12.000 And the next day we find out, like, we're in big trouble.

00:13:15.000 We drank around a female. 1.00

00:13:17.000 We were swearing. 1.00

00:13:18.000 There was all kinds of shit. 0.99

00:13:19.000 And they're like, you broke every, like, Sharia law possible. 1.00

00:13:24.000 You fucked up. 1.00

00:13:25.000 And there's evidence of this? 1.00

00:13:26.000 Well, it was kind of like, because I was over there with, like, a guy who's really important.

00:13:31.000 His father is like the attorney for the Emirates. 0.99

00:13:34.000 And so it was kind of like, you guys are okay, but don't fuck up again. 0.98

00:13:41.000 So do you have a mark against you now? 0.98

00:13:43.000 Say if you go to Dubai now...

00:13:44.000 I'm never going again.

00:13:45.000 We filmed one thing where I put on a dishdash, which is the Islamic... 1.00

00:13:51.000 Well, not Islamic, but just the garb that they wear in Dubai. 0.99

00:13:55.000 And, you know, it's the white gown and the hat and everything.

00:13:58.000 They gave me one of those when I did the UFC in Abu Dhabi.

00:14:00.000 Yeah, and a buddy of mine just wore them around town.

00:14:03.000 We thought it was kind of funny.

00:14:05.000 And we kept asking people.

00:14:06.000 We're like, we're okay, right?

00:14:07.000 We're not breaking any law.

00:14:08.000 And they're like, no, no, it's not religious.

00:14:10.000 It's just the clothing that people wear.

00:14:12.000 And then the girl that worked for the Emirates left the Emirates and sent me an email telling me that there were spies watching us the whole time. 1.00

00:14:20.000 And I was like, just fuck this shit. 1.00

00:14:22.000 I don't need to go back there. 1.00

00:14:23.000 Yeah, who was it that was telling us?

00:14:25.000 Pete Johansson was telling us that he did gigs in Dubai, and there was members of the secret police would sit in the audience and watch.

00:14:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:33.000 And they would be in the front row, and they'd be totally obvious.

00:14:37.000 Actually, I don't remember if he said the front row.

00:14:38.000 He might have said the back row.

00:14:40.000 Whatever he said, they were super obvious, and they were standing there with their arms crossed, just staring at him the whole time.

00:14:44.000 So he's trying not to cross any lines, trying not to say anything.

00:14:48.000 You can't cuss? 1.00

00:14:48.000 What's the lines? 1.00

00:14:49.000 No, no, you can say anything you want.

00:14:50.000 Religious things.

00:14:51.000 They don't want you making fun of Islam.

00:14:53.000 Remember when we had Wits' Face, Hal Sparks, and he was talking about almost getting arrested?

00:14:58.000 He was doing gigs with John Lovitz, and he made the mistake of calling, speaking of one of the sultans or one of the sheikhs, and he called him, what do you call him, Monsieur? 0.93

00:15:13.000 I think he said that, like called him the French name for Mister, and apparently one guy got incredibly offended and called the religious police and people showed up and they were gonna fucking put him in jail for this.

00:15:23.000 I seriously think I could make a movie about my weekend, the one weekend I went there.

00:15:28.000 It's real scary when there's other parts of the country where you travel like that.

00:15:32.000 We get used to behaving and thinking you have a certain amount of freedom.

00:15:35.000 What you do here?

00:15:36.000 This isn't an entirely free country.

00:15:38.000 We'd steal illegal. 1.00

00:15:39.000 You can't say, I want to kill the president. 0.95

00:15:41.000 Or if you do, they'll lock you up. 0.84

00:15:43.000 Obviously, it was in character when I said that.

00:15:45.000 The president of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

00:15:48.000 You know, there's certain things you can't say.

00:15:49.000 It's not completely and totally free.

00:15:51.000 But for the most part, it's pretty easy to get along here.

00:15:53.000 But if you go to other parts of the world, they're incredibly suppressive.

00:15:57.000 Incredibly.

00:15:57.000 Especially the Middle East.

00:15:58.000 Yeah, terrifyingly. 0.98

00:15:59.000 You know, that's one of the things that people like, you know, I am most certainly not for war and not into this war, which I think is a fucking shady war and shady as fuck how we got into it. 0.96

00:16:09.000 But... 0.96

00:16:11.000 We have to be very careful about the rise of Islamic power all around the world, the rise of Sharia law. 1.00

00:16:19.000 We have to be careful of any kind of religious zealots, whether Christian zealots or Muslim zealots. 1.00

00:16:25.000 Anytime people think they can lock you up and they have the right to because you were having fun, you were out dancing, you were out drinking. 1.00

00:16:32.000 I have to say that's some scary shit. 0.98

00:16:34.000 I've always been not anti-American, but I always rail against the government on all things. 0.99

00:16:38.000 But when I get over there and this kind of shit happen, that's when you start to really appreciate your country. 0.97

00:16:43.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:16:43.000 You go, you know, I could call the embassy and they would take care. 0.99

00:16:47.000 Like, they fight for you.

00:16:48.000 Sure.

00:16:49.000 That's what they're supposed to do.

00:16:50.000 They're United States citizens.

00:16:51.000 I mean, we pay taxes.

00:16:53.000 That's what it's all about.

00:16:53.000 That's the benefits of being a part of the team.

00:16:56.000 But it's just fucked up that we have to think about that anywhere. 0.69

00:16:59.000 I mean, yeah, United States, it's not perfect. 1.00

00:17:01.000 It's corrupt as shit. 1.00

00:17:03.000 It's super corrupt. 1.00

00:17:04.000 The business of government is gigantic.

00:17:07.000 There's a billion different jobs out there that literally don't need to exist.

00:17:10.000 They exist to keep jobs going, to keep the business of government going. 0.87

00:17:14.000 And it creates quagmires and fucking complex little social situations That's what I always say to people. 0.96

00:17:20.000 I think it's funny when people criticize the president. 0.98

00:17:22.000 I'm like, I'm not an Obama fan, but I'm not against him.

00:17:25.000 I don't believe in the whole political system.

00:17:27.000 But I love people that criticize the president.

00:17:29.000 Like he's the one who's in charge.

00:17:30.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:17:30.000 Like he fucked everything up. 0.99

00:17:32.000 He's so silly. 1.00

00:17:34.000 It's like WW Raw, you know, the whole political system. 0.99

00:17:37.000 And Vince McMahon's the corporations running it all.

00:17:37.000 Exactly.

00:17:40.000 Yeah. 0.73

00:17:41.000 But people that criticize, like a guy, Obama and his healthcare, I'm like, dude, you can't even fucking return your videos to Blockbuster on time.

00:17:50.000 It's a general lack of understanding about the system, which I think most people have.

00:17:54.000 And even me, I'll get into it, I'll focus on it for a couple of months, and then I'll go, what am I doing?

00:18:00.000 What am I paying attention to? 0.99

00:18:01.000 I'm paying attention to this stupid hustle, this fake thing that barely... 1.00

00:18:04.000 What goes on in Washington barely affects your day-to-day life. 1.00

00:18:07.000 What goes on in your neighborhood, what goes on with your friends, what goes on in your world...

00:18:11.000 The people that you interact with, that's what affects your life. 0.96

00:18:13.000 If you get really too hung up in dealing with Washington and politics and Democrats and Republicans and thinking you understand that system, that's what's ridiculous.

00:18:22.000 I used to work for a senator.

00:18:24.000 Yeah, it was my first job.

00:18:24.000 Really?

00:18:25.000 I worked for Arlen Specter.

00:18:25.000 Where?

00:18:27.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:18:28.000 That evil cunt. 1.00

00:18:28.000 Swear to God. 1.00

00:18:29.000 You know, that guy was on the Warren Commission Report.

00:18:31.000 Dude, I could tell you.

00:18:32.000 I started interning for him in college.

00:18:35.000 Wow.

00:18:36.000 And it was like, I thought I wanted to go into politics or something, and then I realized, like, I'm the...

00:18:40.000 I thought that I had the shady side that was good for politics, but I was like, there's no fun involved. 0.98

00:18:47.000 It's just a fucking torturous, horrible... 0.99

00:18:50.000 And they are. 1.00

00:18:51.000 Like everyone says, it's poor man's Hollywood. 1.00

00:18:53.000 Spectre had hair plugs, facelift, fucking... 1.00

00:18:57.000 Of course, you have to appear virile to your audience. 1.00

00:18:59.000 And he was the ugliest dude in the world. 1.00

00:19:02.000 He was an evil fuck, man. 1.00

00:19:03.000 But when he would explain his single bullet theory, if he would sit and explain it to you after he does it, you would believe him. 1.00

00:19:09.000 No, I wouldn't.

00:19:10.000 No, I wouldn't because I've seen the bullet. 0.99

00:19:12.000 The dumbest thing about the single bullet is the bullet itself. 0.96

00:19:14.000 It has almost no damage, went through two people, shattered bone, and it's barely dented. 0.99

00:19:18.000 But I'm telling you, in his presence, he has this way of convincing you.

00:19:22.000 Incorrect.

00:19:23.000 I would not be amused or affected by that dummy.

00:19:26.000 There's no way. 1.00

00:19:27.000 That guy's an evil fuck. 1.00

00:19:28.000 There's no way I would listen to him and be impressed. 1.00

00:19:29.000 Is he charming?

00:19:30.000 No.

00:19:31.000 Not in the least. 0.98

00:19:32.000 It was one of those things where I was like, how the fuck did this guy get into politics? 0.97

00:19:36.000 He was like... 0.99

00:19:38.000 All you have to do is be in, dude.

00:19:40.000 Once you're in, it's like being a writer on a sitcom. 0.99

00:19:42.000 When you work on a sitcom, one of the things you find out about working on sitcoms is there's usually a few brilliant writers and these fucking fakes. 0.98

00:19:49.000 These people that aren't really funny at all. 0.98

00:19:52.000 They were never stand-up comedians.

00:19:53.000 Someone somehow or another...

00:19:55.000 Got them a job as a comedy writer, and now here they are on sitcoms.

00:19:59.000 You deal with them over and over and over again, and you realize all you have to do is just get into the system.

00:20:04.000 Once you get into the system, then you get other jobs.

00:20:06.000 I gave that speech.

00:20:07.000 I got a deal a long time ago to do a sitcom, and it was going to be about my life.

00:20:12.000 I used to live with my sister in New York for a while, and they thought that was funny.

00:20:15.000 To the point of view, we'll make a show about it.

00:20:18.000 And so I met with writers, or first I met with all the development guys, and they were like, show me the writers they were going to give me. 0.99

00:20:24.000 And they gave me the script of these guys, and I went, this is shit. 1.00

00:20:27.000 This is shit. 1.00

00:20:28.000 And my manager at the time was like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:20:31.000 Take the money. 1.00

00:20:32.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:20:32.000 Who was your manager? 1.00

00:20:33.000 At the time it was Kerry Hoffman.

00:20:34.000 Kerry Hoffman.

00:20:35.000 Out of New York.

00:20:36.000 He owned Stand Up New York.

00:20:37.000 Oh my God.

00:20:38.000 Stand Up New York.

00:20:39.000 Didn't Kerry, like, he would get, like, people would get sitcoms and he would want a piece of the sitcom because they used to work out in his club.

00:20:39.000 Yeah.

00:20:45.000 Didn't he do that?

00:20:45.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:20:46.000 Yeah.

00:20:46.000 That's hilarious.

00:20:47.000 The guy was a manager of a fucking comedy or owned a comedy club. 0.98

00:20:52.000 Comics would go up and they'd perform at his club and one guy got a development deal. 0.99

00:20:57.000 And he wanted like a certain percentage of this guy's sitcom because he used to practice at his club. 1.00

00:21:02.000 Oh, that's fucking stupid. 1.00

00:21:03.000 It's amazing. 1.00

00:21:04.000 And he didn't get it though, did he?

00:21:06.000 Of course not.

00:21:06.000 He tried really hard.

00:21:08.000 Amazing that he would even chase after that. 1.00

00:21:10.000 So this guy tells you to shut the fuck up. 0.98

00:21:10.000 So I'm sorry. 0.98

00:21:12.000 He's like, shut the fuck up and take the money. 0.99

00:21:14.000 And I'm sitting in the meeting and I said, no offense. 0.99

00:21:16.000 I said, I understand that you think these guys are good writers and everything.

00:21:20.000 I said, but I know this whole system, what goes on.

00:21:23.000 Guys get in and they get their buddy in and he can't write.

00:21:25.000 But then they've been there for 10 years and you don't realize they never wrote anything good.

00:21:29.000 They were just there.

00:21:30.000 And now they get to be a showrunner.

00:21:32.000 I said...

00:21:33.000 I've got millions of friends that write funnier than this.

00:21:35.000 Can I just go out and get one of them?

00:21:37.000 And Jim and I are in that situation right now, where they're trying to do a show with us right now, and it's like, we feel like we could write the show.

00:21:45.000 There was a time when I had a development deal where there was two guys that were writing for friends.

00:21:50.000 They were the creators of Friends, and one of them branched out on his own.

00:21:53.000 And I got this development deal, and it was for Fox, and it was a good amount of money, and so they really wanted this guy to do it because this guy had such a great background. 0.98

00:22:02.000 Well, often what happens is when there's a team of writers, you got one brilliant guy, and the other guy is this fucking buddy that you bounce shit off of, you know? 0.62

00:22:11.000 And so the brilliant guy is bouncing shit off the other guy, and then they put it all together, like maybe the other guy types, and they become a team. 0.98

00:22:17.000 So you got bounced. 0.95

00:22:18.000 Somewhere along the line, the other guy says, you know what?

00:22:20.000 I think I'm unrecognized.

00:22:22.000 My talent pursues my friend.

00:22:24.000 I'm much better. 1.00

00:22:25.000 So this fucking idiot decides he's going to go out on his own. 1.00

00:22:27.000 So he gets this giant development deal. 1.00

00:22:29.000 It was for Michael Eisner's company. 0.99

00:22:33.000 And it was a fucking huge development deal. 0.99

00:22:36.000 Everybody was like banking on this guy. 0.99

00:22:36.000 Millions and millions of dollars. 0.99

00:22:38.000 And so I go to meet with the guy.

00:22:39.000 They want me to meet with him.

00:22:40.000 I meet with him and he's wearing bowling shoes.

00:22:43.000 And whenever I see a guy who's trying to be wacky, you know, you're wearing bowling shoes aren't comfortable. 1.00

00:22:49.000 Uncomfortable as fuck. 0.99

00:22:50.000 Like, why are you wearing those? 1.00

00:22:51.000 You're wearing those to let me know that you're nutty. 0.71

00:22:52.000 You know, I might be a multi-millionaire, but I wear bowling shoes to the office. 0.79

00:22:56.000 Did you just get done bowling?

00:22:58.000 No.

00:22:58.000 You're trying to send a message.

00:22:59.000 And the message is, you're dressing like you think a funny person would dress. 0.99

00:23:03.000 That tells me you're probably not fucking funny. 0.98

00:23:05.000 So I immediately get terrified. 1.00

00:23:07.000 I'm like, oh, this guy is just a fucking faker. 1.00

00:23:09.000 He snuck through. 1.00

00:23:10.000 There's no way.

00:23:11.000 There's no way. 0.99

00:23:12.000 How could he get this fucking gigantic multi-multi-million dollar deal if he snuck through? 0.98

00:23:15.000 So I meet with the guy. 0.99

00:23:17.000 We talk.

00:23:18.000 He has an idea.

00:23:19.000 He wants me to be a part of it.

00:23:20.000 We meet, and then they give me one of his scripts. 0.99

00:23:23.000 The script that I read is fucking terrible. 0.99

00:23:25.000 I mean, it's just god-awful. 0.99

00:23:27.000 There's nothing funny in it at all. 1.00

00:23:28.000 And I'm like, well, maybe this is just a shit script. 0.99

00:23:31.000 Maybe he's got some other ones. 0.99

00:23:32.000 Maybe they had him write this, and it wasn't a subject that he was interested in.

00:23:36.000 So this guy comes up with the, this is his idea for a sitcom.

00:23:40.000 Sitcom is about an immortal.

00:23:41.000 It's about a man who's immortal, okay?

00:23:44.000 And he exists since like Egyptian days, and all he does is like get laid. 1.00

00:23:52.000 It's fucking devoid of comedy. 0.96

00:23:55.000 Who wants to watch a sitcom about an immortal, a guy who's an immortal, has been immortal since the Egyptian days, and all he does is try to get it? 0.99

00:24:03.000 I don't understand all these hooks in these sitcoms.

00:24:06.000 When you look at the best sitcoms that have ever existed, the jobs or whatever they do, it's so superfluous.

00:24:14.000 All you need is a group of people that hang out together and have relationships with each other and the interesting relationships.

00:24:20.000 If you look at like Taxi and Cheers, you could move them to any other setting and they would be funny.

00:24:25.000 You put them in an office.

00:24:27.000 It didn't matter what this guy did.

00:24:30.000 This guy was not funny.

00:24:31.000 It didn't matter if he wrote about three people hanging out at a laundromat or three people who work on the moon. 1.00

00:24:36.000 He's a fucking idiot. 1.00

00:24:38.000 That show never made it out though, right? 1.00

00:24:40.000 No, of course it didn't.

00:24:41.000 And I had to tell them, we had a meeting and it was a real controversial meeting. 0.99

00:24:44.000 It was like, they were upset at me because I was like, this guy sucks. 0.99

00:24:46.000 And they're like, this guy does not suck. 1.00

00:24:48.000 This guy is buh-buh-buh. 1.00

00:24:49.000 He's this, he's that.

00:24:50.000 He's done all these things.

00:24:51.000 And I'm like, he's not funny.

00:24:52.000 I'm telling you, this guy's not funny.

00:24:54.000 They're like, you don't understand.

00:24:54.000 This is a mistake.

00:24:56.000 There's more to writing than just being funny.

00:24:58.000 There's character development and story arcs.

00:25:00.000 And he's a guy who really understands that.

00:25:03.000 And we can bring in more funny later.

00:25:04.000 But what he's really concerned with is what we're concerned with.

00:25:07.000 We want a really good story.

00:25:08.000 The story was death.

00:25:09.000 It was terrible. 1.00

00:25:10.000 It was stupid. 1.00

00:25:10.000 It didn't make any sense. 1.00

00:25:11.000 It was just like a guy who's pretending to be a comedy writer who got a job writing comedy. 0.99

00:25:16.000 It's like if you took some fucking guy who worked for a fence company. 0.98

00:25:19.000 I'm tired of writing fences. 0.99

00:25:20.000 I think I'm a good writer.

00:25:23.000 I've done it.

00:25:23.000 I've been doing stand-up for 15 years.

00:25:25.000 And it took me 14 and a half years to finally realize that 95% of the people in the business Don't know anything about comedy.

00:25:36.000 Well, you can't really truly understand unless you're doing it.

00:25:39.000 I mean, I've lately been putting them to the test where I'll say, well, explain to me why.

00:25:46.000 And when you put them on the hot seat, I'll say something like, why is that comic doing that?

00:25:52.000 Or why do you think he's good at what he does?

00:25:55.000 Or why isn't he good?

00:25:56.000 Are you asking agents, managers?

00:25:58.000 Yeah, everybody.

00:25:59.000 Development people, talent scouts.

00:26:01.000 I always do it, and I put them to it, and they'll go, well, you know, he does this really interesting thing where he's kind of like, not really observational, but he's kind of political, but he's more on a surreal... 0.94

00:26:13.000 I'm like, you have no fucking idea. 0.96

00:26:15.000 You have no idea. 1.00

00:26:16.000 You all are sheep, and you just... 0.88

00:26:18.000 Well, it's not that.

00:26:20.000 I think agents and managers are really important, but I think they really can't truly understand what comedy is all about unless they do it.

00:26:27.000 Unless you do it, you're really never going to be an expert on it.

00:26:30.000 You might know a lot about it, but you're never going to really truly understand it unless you can recreate it.

00:26:34.000 I have an agent out of Australia.

00:26:36.000 I think he might have worked with you when you were down there, Artie Lang.

00:26:40.000 Yeah.

00:26:41.000 Same name as Artie Lang, Howard's guy, but same name. 0.97

00:26:44.000 Artie is fucking, like, the greatest agent that has ever been. 0.98

00:26:48.000 He's fucking amazing, and he knows comedy. 0.98

00:26:50.000 He did comedy a little bit. 0.98

00:26:51.000 And, like, you'll do a bit, and he'll go, why don't you say this?

00:26:53.000 And you're like, yeah, that would actually work better.

00:26:56.000 And I'll run my sets by him before I go on TV, and he's like, no, no, take that out, put that in.

00:27:01.000 And he...

00:27:02.000 I'm not saying that he can't have some understanding of comedy without doing it.

00:27:05.000 You just can't really truly understand it.

00:27:07.000 You're never going to understand it the way a comic understands it.

00:27:09.000 It's all theoretical until you put it in practice.

00:27:12.000 It's like a guy who does kata in the gym and is pretty sure he could fare well in a street fight.

00:27:15.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:27:16.000 But really, he's not really sure.

00:27:17.000 It's theoretical. 0.98

00:27:19.000 A guy who's actually fought a bunch of times is like, yeah, I've been through this shit before. 0.95

00:27:22.000 I know what I'm going to do. 0.89

00:27:24.000 There's a difference.

00:27:25.000 But there's nothing wrong with agents and managers that don't understand it totally because they do a great job.

00:27:31.000 I wouldn't do it and you wouldn't do it.

00:27:33.000 We're not going to sell ourselves.

00:27:34.000 We're not going to go out and get development deals.

00:27:36.000 We can't do it anyway.

00:27:37.000 You can't negotiate for yourself.

00:27:38.000 It's impossible.

00:27:40.000 Especially that and be creative.

00:27:42.000 It's important to have managers and agents, but they don't have to know everything.

00:27:46.000 They just have to shut the fuck up and push in the right direction, if you're talented.

00:27:51.000 The problem is when you're not that talented or when you're not doing that well, you haven't become successful yet, then they start tweaking you. 0.98

00:27:57.000 Then they start, "Well, we've got to figure out what's going on here.

00:28:00.000 What you need is a new look." Jamie Masada told my friend Todd Parker that he had to be the Generation X guy.

00:28:06.000 That's what he was saying.

00:28:07.000 Buddy, you are Generation X guy.

00:28:09.000 This is your new hook.

00:28:10.000 You go on stage, everything come out of your mouth.

00:28:12.000 Generation X. I am Generation X guy.

00:28:15.000 Have you IMDB'd that guy now lately, the Friends writer, just to see what kind of product?

00:28:20.000 I don't even remember his name.

00:28:21.000 I don't remember his name, but I met a couple of those guys.

00:28:24.000 I wrote something with one of those guys, a guy who wrote on Seinfeld. 0.99

00:28:28.000 It was fucking terrible. 0.98

00:28:29.000 He couldn't write anything funny. 0.99

00:28:30.000 It wound up being me writing the funny stuff and him writing it down.

00:28:33.000 It was a terrible relationship.

00:28:35.000 Kerry Hoffman did that to me, though, once.

00:28:38.000 He tried to change me.

00:28:39.000 He's like, I've got an idea.

00:28:41.000 You never see comedy duos anymore.

00:28:44.000 We get you and a girl.

00:28:45.000 We get you and a girl, and you do, like, Stiller and Mira.

00:28:48.000 It'll work.

00:28:49.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:28:50.000 Oh my god, what an idiot. 1.00

00:28:52.000 What is that guy still in the business? 1.00

00:28:55.000 I think actually he's doing really well because he's got Mike Royce and Tom Hurt who are really good writers and I think Tom might be on...

00:29:04.000 I always liked the guy and doing his club is always nice to me. 0.96

00:29:07.000 But when I heard that shit about him trying to get 15% from people... 0.97

00:29:10.000 He was kind of like a father to me. 0.99

00:29:11.000 He was really good and he actually did shit that was amazing. 0.98

00:29:14.000 Some of the shit he did was the best stuff a manager ever did for me. 0.98

00:29:17.000 When I went to Montreal to do New Faces, he sent a tape of me to every single person that wasn't going to Montreal. 0.99

00:29:24.000 And I bombed at Montreal.

00:29:26.000 Bombed. 1.00

00:29:27.000 And so I was fucked. 1.00

00:29:29.000 And then all the people that didn't go to Montreal saw a tape that was great. 0.99

00:29:32.000 And were like, he's awesome.

00:29:33.000 What year was this?

00:29:34.000 This was 2000, I think.

00:29:36.000 So people were stopping and going to Montreal by then.

00:29:39.000 Montreal kind of died out around then.

00:29:40.000 My year of new faces was, listen to this, it was me, Tony Rock, I believe, was in it.

00:29:48.000 Dean Edwards, who got Saturday Night Live that year.

00:29:50.000 Dimitri Martin.

00:29:51.000 Mike Birbiglia.

00:29:53.000 Russ Meneve.

00:29:55.000 Like, everybody got something big out of it.

00:29:58.000 So it was like the last year, then?

00:29:59.000 It was the last year, because Chicken was the year before.

00:30:03.000 Yeah, that was what I was going to bring up when we were talking about this.

00:30:03.000 Whew!

00:30:05.000 I think we brought up chicken on the podcast before, didn't we?

00:30:08.000 Well, chicken, God rest his soul, is the most amazing phenomenon. 0.99

00:30:12.000 And this is the proof that agents and managers have no fucking idea. 0.98

00:30:15.000 They just don't get it. 0.99

00:30:16.000 They don't know what's funny and what's not funny.

00:30:18.000 Some of them don't, I should say.

00:30:19.000 This guy, he was this young kid who was just real boyishly handsome, and he had this really wacky act.

00:30:26.000 There was a screw loose in him, and he had this really completely over-the-top act that just would baffle comedians.

00:30:34.000 They would go, this is not funny at all.

00:30:35.000 I don't get it.

00:30:36.000 Oh, dude, it was all stunts and props.

00:30:37.000 I'll give you one.

00:30:38.000 I auditioned for SNL with him.

00:30:38.000 I remember.

00:30:42.000 He went on stage and said, so-and-so, when they hit a home run, did you ever see him?

00:30:47.000 They just jog around the bases.

00:30:49.000 He's like, they just casually jog around if they hit a home run.

00:30:52.000 He's like, that was me?

00:30:53.000 If I hit a home run, he'd be like, woo! 1.00

00:30:55.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:30:57.000 And he'd like do like flips on stage and run around the audience and like throw his arms in the air and be like, I'd be flinging shit in the air out of my head. 1.00

00:31:05.000 But people would almost like, you know, if you just see a crazy man jumping up and down in a nightclub, you're like, oh, that dude's pretty crazy. 0.95

00:31:12.000 That's what he was.

00:31:13.000 Oh, that's awesome.

00:31:14.000 Yeah, he wasn't that talented.

00:31:16.000 He tried really hard.

00:31:17.000 Anyway, he wound up getting this giant development deal and just being a complete, total bust.

00:31:21.000 Like, they couldn't do anything with him.

00:31:23.000 He was just not talented.

00:31:24.000 It was just awful.

00:31:25.000 And so he went into this sort of dark depression, and then comics hated him.

00:31:30.000 Like, he was a punchline for comedians. 0.99

00:31:32.000 A bunch of them would just shit all over him. 0.99

00:31:34.000 You know how comics are. 1.00

00:31:36.000 If one guy's doing better than you and you think he's not as good as you, it's just fucking venomous hate. 0.98

00:31:41.000 So this kid wound up killing himself in front of a school. 0.99

00:31:44.000 He hung himself on a tree in front of a school.

00:31:47.000 Did he do that?

00:31:47.000 What?

00:31:48.000 I didn't know that.

00:31:49.000 Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

00:31:50.000 I didn't know that part of it.

00:31:51.000 I heard the story when he was at Montreal, though.

00:31:54.000 There was so much hype on him going into Montreal that...

00:31:58.000 Like, that they were bidding on him before he even went on stage.

00:32:01.000 And I think he did.

00:32:02.000 As he was going on stage, someone said to his manager, like, one of the networks goes, like, we'll give you a million dollars if he doesn't step on that stage.

00:32:10.000 Because they knew his price would even go up once he went on stage.

00:32:13.000 A million dollars?

00:32:15.000 Well, his development deal was a half a million.

00:32:17.000 I'm pretty sure that's what he got.

00:32:18.000 So they said, like, we'll give you half a million for him not to go on stage.

00:32:23.000 Because they didn't want the bidding to even go up further.

00:32:26.000 I think that's a lot of hype.

00:32:26.000 I don't know.

00:32:28.000 Yeah.

00:32:28.000 I don't think that really happened.

00:32:30.000 Nobody does that.

00:32:32.000 But there was a lot of people that were into this kid.

00:32:34.000 And comics, we'd be standing in the back of the room watching this kid flail around on stage.

00:32:39.000 Literally flail.

00:32:41.000 Like he was on fire. 0.99

00:32:42.000 And go, what the fuck is going on? 0.98

00:32:44.000 Is there clips of him online, you think? 0.99

00:32:46.000 That's a good question.

00:32:47.000 Michael Ruth was his name, I think.

00:32:49.000 I met him the night we did SNL. We were auditioning at Caroline's, and we're all in the green room.

00:32:54.000 And he comes into the green room, and all the comics kind of know each other.

00:32:57.000 And then he shows up in the green room.

00:32:59.000 And he's got this energy, you know those energy like vampires that just suck all the energy away from everyone else?

00:33:05.000 He starts bouncing around the room going... 0.99

00:33:08.000 This is fucking crazy. 0.99

00:33:09.000 I don't know what I'm fucking doing here. 0.99

00:33:12.000 This is like SNL's here. 0.99

00:33:13.000 And I'm fucking like... 0.98

00:33:15.000 I'm not even a comedian. 0.99

00:33:16.000 I don't know what you...

00:33:17.000 Like, this is crazy. 1.00

00:33:18.000 You guys like do your shit. 1.00

00:33:19.000 And I just get up on stage and I'm like wacky and fucking crazy. 1.00

00:33:23.000 And everyone was just kind of... 0.91

00:33:24.000 You know, comics were all looking at each other like...

00:33:27.000 Dude, you're...

00:33:27.000 It was almost like he was psyching us out too.

00:33:30.000 Right.

00:33:31.000 Because we're all trying to, you know, this is a big deal for us.

00:33:34.000 We're all trying to get on this.

00:33:35.000 He's bringing you into his head.

00:33:37.000 Yeah, and I thought that's what he was doing. 1.00

00:33:39.000 And I'm like, you're fucking with me right now, and I'm about to punch you in the face. 0.99

00:33:43.000 So you thought he was doing it on purpose. 1.00

00:33:44.000 Yeah, and I'm like, I'm not going to put up with you.

00:33:46.000 Does someone really do that?

00:33:47.000 I think there are guys that kind of do that.

00:33:50.000 Really?

00:33:50.000 Yeah.

00:33:51.000 How would that work, though?

00:33:52.000 That's a weird strategy to go out and...

00:33:53.000 Did you get anything out of him?

00:33:54.000 I found some videos if you want to listen to one.

00:33:55.000 Yeah, let's listen to one.

00:33:56.000 I don't like comics that go...

00:33:57.000 Yeah, that's him, man.

00:33:58.000 You go house the room.

00:33:59.000 Does it say anything about him?

00:34:00.000 How he's dead?

00:34:01.000 Yeah.

00:34:01.000 Did it say how he killed himself?

00:34:02.000 No. 0.98

00:34:05.000 You guys got a lot of white suburban gangster kids here. 0.97

00:34:08.000 I ain't got a voice. 0.99

00:34:09.000 You guys got a lot of white suburban gangster kids here. 0.96

00:34:12.000 Know what I mean by white suburban gangster kids?

00:34:15.000 17-year-old Caucasian boys that look like me. 1.00

00:34:18.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:34:20.000 Except they're black and raised in the hood. 1.00

00:34:23.000 They're all walking around the mall here. 1.00

00:34:24.000 They got their pants hanging off their ass. 1.00

00:34:25.000 Got their hat on. 1.00

00:34:26.000 Oh shit! 1.00

00:34:27.000 What's up, motherfucker? 1.00

00:34:29.000 Oh shit! 1.00

00:34:30.000 Oh shit! 1.00

00:34:34.000 He pulled his pants down. 1.00

00:34:35.000 It looked like a thong he had on.

00:34:36.000 What up, dog? 0.79

00:34:40.000 We're like three pages of cell phones, big-ass fax machine. 0.99

00:34:47.000 Got our 45 pounds of gold, got our seven gold chain, three gold ring, two gold teeth, and the whole fucking time his name's Bradley. 1.00

00:34:56.000 Same kid that pulls up next to you downtown, playing that rap music loud and sounding like the tough-ass shit! 1.00

00:35:02.000 Driving his mama's minivan. 1.00

00:35:06.000 No, same kid that walks in the dance clubs, doing all those booty dances.

00:35:11.000 You know... 1.00

00:35:13.000 Yeah, I'm like, "Fuck you, dude, you can't do it!" Fuck that, give me my booty shit! 1.00

00:35:19.000 You fucked up and you're walking, I'm on YouTube! 1.00

00:35:21.000 He fucked up and you didn't know what I'm doing, I don't want to do it! 1.00

00:35:29.000 He pulled his pants down again. 1.00

00:35:32.000 I'm like, "What are you guys doing, bro?" I'm like, "What are you guys doing?" His name is Michael Roof, R-O-O-F. So, anyway, that's enough of that.

00:35:46.000 Anyway, that's not terrible.

00:35:47.000 I mean, it's not the worst comedy I've ever heard.

00:35:50.000 What's funny, when he was pulling down his pants the first time, he had taken his underwear and gave himself a wedgie so it looked like he had a thong on.

00:35:58.000 So it was like a little extra touch that he did there.

00:36:01.000 He jazzed up the bit.

00:36:03.000 I like the tagline, the new butt crack tagline he added.

00:36:07.000 You know, whatever, man.

00:36:08.000 Nothing wrong with that.

00:36:09.000 I mean, it's not my style.

00:36:11.000 He did some big movies.

00:36:11.000 I'm not into it.

00:36:12.000 He was in Black Hawk Down.

00:36:14.000 Yeah.

00:36:14.000 Really?

00:36:15.000 Well, he had that big development deal and then nothing happened for it.

00:36:19.000 And then I remember so many people were so fucking happy when nothing happened to it. 0.89

00:36:24.000 And that's when it got really ugly for him. 0.95

00:36:26.000 Comics were happy that he was failing.

00:36:28.000 There was a lot of negative energy towards this kid.

00:36:31.000 But they used him as an example.

00:36:33.000 They said he killed the development team.

00:36:35.000 He did kill it.

00:36:35.000 Yes, he did.

00:36:37.000 They gave him a ton of money and that was it.

00:36:39.000 What really killed it was their lack of real talent and ability to recognize talent.

00:36:45.000 These comics or these agents and managers, they're really just taking guesses.

00:36:50.000 You know, and that's what killed it.

00:36:50.000 Yeah.

00:36:51.000 What killed it was all these big people that spent a lot of money, the people that were the head of studios, the people that, you know, they had a budget, and then they're like, why did we spend half a million dollars on this fucking thing? 0.91

00:37:00.000 Like, what is this? 0.93

00:37:01.000 There's a lot of that going on, man.

00:37:02.000 You know, like this, the Friends guy.

00:37:04.000 If they sat that guy down and said, just write us a couple of scripts real quick.

00:37:07.000 You know, let's look at your scripts.

00:37:08.000 Let's look at your scripts.

00:37:10.000 They read their scripts and then, like...

00:37:11.000 Dude, they didn't read anything from this guy before he got this deal.

00:37:13.000 I know they didn't.

00:37:14.000 I know the whole story behind it.

00:37:15.000 Everybody was so high on him.

00:37:16.000 They just wanted to throw this guy money.

00:37:19.000 I've looked at a bunch of scripts lately, and I'm like, really?

00:37:22.000 Death, right?

00:37:23.000 I can't do it.

00:37:24.000 I've read a couple of them, and I sigh, and I look down at it, and I go, no, I'm not even going in.

00:37:28.000 I can't go in.

00:37:29.000 I can't do this.

00:37:30.000 Yeah, it would be nice to do a sitcom again.

00:37:31.000 I love doing news radio.

00:37:33.000 It was a lot of fun.

00:37:34.000 But good luck trying to find another one of those.

00:37:36.000 By the way, Dave Fowle is going to do the podcast.

00:37:38.000 Got in touch with Dave Foley.

00:37:39.000 No way.

00:37:40.000 Yeah, very excited. 0.99

00:37:41.000 But, you know, it's like getting a hold of one of those sitcoms is like a fucking one in a million. 0.89

00:37:46.000 And so if you don't do that, what are you dealing with? 0.96

00:37:48.000 Well, you're dealing with a bunch of producers that don't really know how to do comedy.

00:37:51.000 You're dealing with a bunch of writers.

00:37:52.000 Most of them are not going to be talented because if they were talented, they'd be working for Modern Family or some of those big shows.

00:37:58.000 There's not that many really good ones that are out there free.

00:38:01.000 So it's like your odds of finding a good one are like 1 in 10. Maybe 1 in 20. Yeah, Paul Provenza and I started writing a movie together on this idea that I had.

00:38:01.000 Right.

00:38:14.000 And I met Paul in Edinburgh.

00:38:15.000 I was doing the Edinburgh Festival and I kind of did the thing as a bit.

00:38:19.000 And I said, oh yeah, I've tried to write a movie about that.

00:38:19.000 And he's like, what?

00:38:21.000 And he's like... 1.00

00:38:22.000 Yeah, you should write that fucking movie. 0.99

00:38:24.000 This is the bit that you said is the same as my bit, the one that I talked about on the show. 0.99

00:38:28.000 Yeah, very similar.

00:38:29.000 I had a bit that I used to do.

00:38:31.000 I did it back in the 90s.

00:38:33.000 I just talked about it on the show the other day because we were both on the Green Room show together.

00:38:38.000 And we were talking about being booed off stage and when people want you to change the subject you're talking about and how people get upset at you.

00:38:45.000 And I said that I used to do this joke about cloning Jesus.

00:38:48.000 Because there was a thing called the Second Coming Project, and the Second Coming Project was like... 0.98

00:38:52.000 That's what we named the script was the Second Coming, because it's all about the guy jerking off, was the opening scene. 0.91

00:38:52.000 That's funny. 0.91

00:38:58.000 Really?

00:38:58.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:38:59.000 Okay.

00:39:00.000 There was a real thing that was in the news about this many, many years ago.

00:39:04.000 Anyway, the idea was they were going to take DNA from the Shroud of Turin, and they were going to recreate Jesus. 0.59

00:39:10.000 They were going to like...

00:39:11.000 Clone Jesus.

00:39:12.000 And this is a real thing.

00:39:15.000 Sort of, I'm not sure.

00:39:17.000 It might have been a parody.

00:39:18.000 You know, there's a lot of those that sneak through.

00:39:20.000 By the way, Rachel Maddow got busted on a parody the other day. 0.64

00:39:23.000 She was reading a parody, this Christian, it's a fake website, and she was reading it as if it was news that Palin supporters really believe that We have to inject Christianity into North Africa.

00:39:35.000 It's really funny. 0.99

00:39:37.000 So my bit was, Dolly the Sheep, when they cloned Dolly the Sheep, that shit didn't come out perfect. 0.99

00:39:42.000 Cloning is not an exact science. 1.00

00:39:43.000 What do they do with the first Jesus if they clone him and he comes out retarded? 1.00

00:39:46.000 Do you kill him and start from scratch? 0.99

00:39:49.000 So there's this whole bit about it.

00:39:51.000 When I did it at the comedy store, someone was yelling out, next subject! 0.99

00:39:56.000 Fat white woman with fat blonde hair and fat blonde fingers. 1.00

00:40:01.000 Just that, you know, I'm a Christian! 1.00

00:40:04.000 Next subject!

00:40:06.000 Like, she was so firm in her wonky beliefs that she wanted to stop me.

00:40:12.000 It's a theoretical idea.

00:40:13.000 I mean, it's not a real Jesus we're talking about.

00:40:16.000 And it's a real legit question. 0.98

00:40:18.000 If they really do clone Jesus, that's a goddamn legit question. 0.93

00:40:21.000 Like, what if they found Jesus' bones and there was some DNA inside of it? 0.98

00:40:24.000 And they could extract it.

00:40:25.000 They knew for sure it was Jesus.

00:40:27.000 They knew it was his DNA. Well, that's a real legit question.

00:40:30.000 What if he does come back retarded? 1.00

00:40:31.000 He could come back all fucked up. 1.00

00:40:33.000 He could be autistic and psychopathic. 1.00

00:40:36.000 He could be black as fuck. 1.00

00:40:37.000 That's probably what it is. 1.00

00:40:38.000 What if he was?

00:40:39.000 That's what I think.

00:40:40.000 Jesus was black? 0.84

00:40:41.000 Yeah, because you can't start off white and then go... 0.82

00:40:44.000 Well, there's a lot of evidence that Jesus wasn't even real.

00:40:47.000 There's a lot of evidence that there was no Jesus.

00:40:49.000 Based on mythology.

00:40:50.000 Yeah, and that this same mythology repeats itself over and over and over again.

00:40:53.000 So Jesus, even as a historical figure, is in question.

00:40:57.000 There's volumes of pages written about certain Caesars and certain rulers of...

00:41:04.000 Of Greece and Rome.

00:41:06.000 So the stuff that's on Jesus' soul, it's really hard to tell whether it's real. 0.89

00:41:11.000 Well, and also all those biblical fucking, you know, like everything from all the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. 0.83

00:41:16.000 There was the book of Q. Do you know about that? 0.97

00:41:19.000 There was a fifth book of the Gospels, apparently, that Luke based his book on.

00:41:25.000 I'm not completely accurate in all this stuff, but if you start reading about it, you'll find out.

00:41:29.000 That, like, all four of them didn't live at the same time.

00:41:32.000 So some of them based their account on the other ones because they'll say it's, like, identical of the other one.

00:41:37.000 Right.

00:41:37.000 So it's like they just basically...

00:41:39.000 Heard a story.

00:41:39.000 Yeah, and just rewrote it, which could have happened from the beginning.

00:41:42.000 And then there was also, like, the Council of Nicaea where these guys went in and decided...

00:41:47.000 The bishops all went, okay, well, we've got all these books.

00:41:49.000 We're going to throw out these ones.

00:41:50.000 We don't like these.

00:41:51.000 We're going to keep...

00:41:52.000 They just rewrote history the way they wanted it. 0.99

00:41:54.000 So, I mean, it's, like, shit like that. 0.97

00:41:56.000 Well, if you find out about the New Testament, that's where things get really weird, because Constantine and a bunch of bishops created the New Testament. 0.98

00:42:03.000 Yeah, that's the account of Nicaea.

00:42:04.000 You know, we're talking about something that was way after Jesus' death, you know, if Jesus was a real figure. 0.98

00:42:09.000 The whole thing is fucking squirrely. 0.96

00:42:11.000 You know, the historical account, just me not even saying the religious account, the historical account is very squirrely. 0.99

00:42:17.000 I don't know, man.

00:42:17.000 Yeah.

00:42:18.000 You were saying something about Dolly being retarded. 0.99

00:42:22.000 I've often wondered, like, you know, when a dog bites someone and everybody's like, oh, he's a bad dog or whatever.

00:42:27.000 I'm like, you see people all the time, like people with Down Syndrome.

00:42:31.000 Are there, like, Down Syndrome dogs?

00:42:33.000 Yes.

00:42:34.000 Mine's Down Syndrome.

00:42:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:42:35.000 Mine's fucking... 1.00

00:42:36.000 Are your dogs retarded? 1.00

00:42:37.000 Yeah, it's totally retarded. 1.00

00:42:38.000 Are your dogs just really, really overbred? 0.98

00:42:40.000 You know, you have a...

00:42:42.000 You have one of those little dogs.

00:42:44.000 Yeah.

00:42:45.000 What's it called again?

00:42:46.000 Yeah.

00:42:46.000 Pekingese.

00:42:47.000 Yeah, those dogs, man.

00:42:48.000 That came from a wolf.

00:42:48.000 Guess what?

00:42:50.000 Yeah.

00:42:50.000 There's no way you get a good example if that is what you get from a wolf.

00:42:54.000 I think my dog might be part wolf.

00:42:56.000 Really?

00:42:56.000 Yeah.

00:42:58.000 She's an Aussie cattle dog. 0.99

00:43:00.000 Yeah.

00:43:01.000 I grew up with Jack Russell Terriers. 1.00

00:43:04.000 You ever see those little fucking assholes? 1.00

00:43:06.000 But they're really aggressive because they used to kill rats. 1.00

00:43:08.000 They're fucking so aggressive. 0.99

00:43:10.000 Send them after rats. 1.00

00:43:11.000 We lived out in the woods and these things would do it.

00:43:13.000 One of them went down a...

00:43:15.000 I couldn't find him one night.

00:43:16.000 I find him down a sewer under the road.

00:43:18.000 And there's a...

00:43:19.000 I'm looking down the sewer grate.

00:43:20.000 I see him.

00:43:21.000 And there's a pipe way down underneath that runs out to a creek. 1.00

00:43:24.000 And I'm like, fuck. 1.00

00:43:25.000 He ran up the pipe and he's under the sewer. 1.00

00:43:27.000 There's no way for me to get him.

00:43:28.000 I look down.

00:43:29.000 He's got a raccoon cornered.

00:43:30.000 Oh my god. 1.00

00:43:31.000 And I'm like, fuck. 1.00

00:43:31.000 He's dead. 1.00

00:43:32.000 He's dead.

00:43:32.000 This raccoon's just gonna...

00:43:33.000 And I'm just going, come on.

00:43:35.000 Like trying to coach him out the hole.

00:43:37.000 And I'm screaming, screaming.

00:43:38.000 And all of a sudden... 0.99

00:43:39.000 I hear, and it goes, and I'm like, fuck, my dog's dead. 0.99

00:43:43.000 My dog's dead, and I'm shining a flashlight, and I don't see anything. 0.99

00:43:47.000 Next thing I know, my Jack Russell drags the raccoon out of the pipe.

00:43:50.000 My Jack Russell killed a raccoon.

00:43:52.000 Now, cut to about a year ago, my dog's leashless all the time. 0.99

00:43:56.000 People, you can call me an asshole, but I don't believe in putting a dog on a fucking leash, and my dog's well-behaved, and She's amazing. 0.99

00:44:02.000 It's not an asshole if the dog's well-behaved. 1.00

00:44:04.000 As long as you really know the dog and it's well-behaved, it's when people walk around with pit bulls without leashes. 0.99

00:44:08.000 That's silly.

00:44:09.000 Yeah, my dog's amazing. 0.73

00:44:11.000 By the way, I used to do that. 0.98

00:44:12.000 Like a retard. 1.00

00:44:13.000 I found out it's silly. 0.98

00:44:14.000 When I get close to home, I'll go, go, go home.

00:44:17.000 And she'll run like 200 meters up the road. 1.00

00:44:19.000 So one night I see this cat, and she never would hurt a cat, but she'll play with them.

00:44:24.000 So I go, go, go, there's a cat.

00:44:26.000 You told her to chase the cat?

00:44:27.000 Yeah, but she just plays with the cats. 1.00

00:44:28.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00

00:44:29.000 And so she goes running up the road and all of a sudden I hear her go, and I'm like, oh fuck, she's now fighting with a cat and she's never fought before. 1.00

00:44:41.000 And I come around the corner, it's not a cat, it's a fucking raccoon. 1.00

00:44:44.000 And I'm like, fuck, and the raccoon takes off. 1.00

00:44:47.000 So you told her to chase after a raccoon thinking it was a cat? 1.00

00:44:50.000 Yeah.

00:44:51.000 How did you mistake the...

00:44:53.000 I don't...

00:44:53.000 It was so far away.

00:44:54.000 It was like 200 yards away.

00:44:56.000 So...

00:44:57.000 I wake up the next day, and my dog's sitting there, and her eyes are crusted shut. 0.99

00:45:01.000 And I'm like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:45:03.000 So I take her to the vet, and the raccoon scratched both her corneas. 1.00

00:45:08.000 Yeah.

00:45:09.000 Oh, God.

00:45:10.000 And he said, the vet said, these things will rip your dog apart.

00:45:14.000 Shut your phone off, dude.

00:45:15.000 It's the second time I do this. 1.00

00:45:17.000 Fucking junkie. 1.00

00:45:17.000 They will. 1.00

00:45:19.000 Instead of texting and tweeting while he's trying to have some convoluted conversation.

00:45:23.000 Yeah.

00:45:24.000 They said they'll rip your dog apart. 0.98

00:45:26.000 And I said, well, what about the rabies?

00:45:27.000 And he said, rabies aren't bad in California. 1.00

00:45:29.000 But the raccoons are fucking evil. 1.00

00:45:33.000 That's fucking scary, man. 1.00

00:45:33.000 When I lived in New Rochelle, New York, I had a big one in my neighborhood that used to fuck up trash cans. 1.00

00:45:38.000 He was gigantic. 0.99

00:45:40.000 I mean, it was like a dog.

00:45:41.000 I couldn't believe how big he was. 1.00

00:45:43.000 And I got a blowgun just so I could try to kill him. 1.00

00:45:46.000 I was terrified. 1.00

00:45:47.000 I opened the door. 0.96

00:45:48.000 I had a small little yard, and I would open the door, and he would literally be fucking 10 feet from me, and I'd panic and slam the door. 1.00

00:45:54.000 I'm like, get out of here, bitch! 1.00

00:45:55.000 My old dog, Cabo, I always let him out the backyard just to go to the bathroom, and I'd let him out, and instead I hear him going... 1.00

00:46:02.000 I'm like, oh, what's going on?

00:46:04.000 So I go outside, and there's two skunks cornered in my little backyard, and the dog's about to attack him.

00:46:09.000 And I'm just thinking, I don't want to get sprayed.

00:46:11.000 I don't want the dog to get sprayed. 0.99

00:46:13.000 It takes forever to clean the shit off of him. 0.99

00:46:15.000 My dog got sprayed when I was a little kid. 0.99

00:46:15.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

00:46:18.000 It's the worst.

00:46:19.000 It takes forever.

00:46:21.000 You use tomato juice.

00:46:22.000 Apparently there's an enzyme in tomatoes that helps break it down, but not much.

00:46:26.000 It doesn't work that good.

00:46:27.000 You've got to keep doing it over and over and over again.

00:46:29.000 That dog stunk for weeks.

00:46:30.000 Have you ever heard the Billy Burr bit about raccoons?

00:46:33.000 What is the bit?

00:46:34.000 The raccoon and the little hand stealing the cat, the YouTube video.

00:46:37.000 It's the hardest I've ever laughed at a joke in my life.

00:46:39.000 I don't think I messed up.

00:46:41.000 I saw him at the improv one night.

00:46:42.000 It was recently, so it's probably like in his new set.

00:46:44.000 But it's Billy showing, you know, angry Billy gets.

00:46:47.000 Right, right.

00:46:47.000 He's so angry watching this YouTube video where a raccoon keeps stealing, like, cat food.

00:46:53.000 Like, he comes over and keeps stealing the food from the cat or from the dog or something. 1.00

00:46:56.000 And he keeps going, those little fucking raccoon hands. 1.00

00:47:00.000 And he just... 1.00

00:47:01.000 And tears were coming out of my eyes.

00:47:03.000 I was laughing.

00:47:03.000 I've never laughed that hard at a comic's bit.

00:47:06.000 I'll check it out.

00:47:06.000 Because he's so angry about the little hands.

00:47:09.000 And he's like in the fucking little mask on this rim. 1.00

00:47:11.000 It's pretty crazy that all dogs came from wolves. 1.00

00:47:14.000 Yeah.

00:47:14.000 You know, when they figured out the genetic lineage of dogs, they expected to be a bunch of wild canids in there, a bunch of different kinds of canines.

00:47:22.000 Nope.

00:47:22.000 Wolves.

00:47:23.000 All originally was a wolf.

00:47:24.000 Well, what about a dingo? 0.74

00:47:25.000 It's a different kind of dog.

00:47:27.000 I mean, it's a canid, a wild dog.

00:47:27.000 Yeah.

00:47:29.000 You know, like there's specific ones.

00:47:29.000 Okay.

00:47:30.000 But the dingo doesn't come from a wolf, does it?

00:47:32.000 I don't know.

00:47:33.000 It's an Australian.

00:47:33.000 That's a good question.

00:47:34.000 Dingo's some baby.

00:47:35.000 Yeah.

00:47:36.000 Do dingoes eat babies?

00:47:37.000 You're from Australia.

00:47:38.000 My dog looks like a dingo. 0.80

00:47:40.000 Do kangaroos kill people? 1.00

00:47:41.000 That was a recent thing of discussion. 0.99

00:47:43.000 One time I got out of a car and I thought it was a fucking, like we were driving through this like neighborhood. 1.00

00:47:48.000 I don't know why we're in this neighborhood. 0.97

00:47:49.000 A simple yes or no would precise.

00:47:52.000 I don't know, but I've heard stories that yes, they can.

00:47:55.000 Because when we went to the zoo in Australia, they told us the big ones.

00:47:59.000 There's big kangaroos.

00:48:00.000 I forget which kinds are the big ones.

00:48:02.000 What are they, the red ones or the gray ones?

00:48:03.000 I don't know. 0.97

00:48:03.000 The big ones kill people. 0.97

00:48:04.000 They have a bunch of times.

00:48:06.000 They said you have to be very careful if you approach them in the wild.

00:48:08.000 This thing I read the other day, it said like 100 people die a year from it.

00:48:12.000 And then this other website, there's been a few known attacks in the history of...

00:48:18.000 Yeah, there was one woman recently, her dogs were killed.

00:48:21.000 The most recent attack that I could find online.

00:48:23.000 This kangaroo drowned her dogs. 1.00

00:48:25.000 That's pretty fucking gangster. 1.00

00:48:27.000 Kangaroos drown your dog. 1.00

00:48:29.000 I saw the biggest fucking kangaroo. 1.00

00:48:31.000 And I thought it was a statue in these people's yard. 1.00

00:48:33.000 And I was like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:48:35.000 Who has this giant kangaroo statue? 1.00

00:48:37.000 I mean like 10 foot tall.

00:48:38.000 What?

00:48:40.000 They get to be like 7 feet tall.

00:48:41.000 What's your ceiling?

00:48:42.000 Yeah, as tall as your ceiling.

00:48:43.000 What?

00:48:44.000 Come on.

00:48:44.000 I swear to God.

00:48:45.000 And I got out of the car.

00:48:46.000 Dude, this is like a 10-foot ceiling, right?

00:48:48.000 How many feet?

00:48:49.000 It's like 10 feet.

00:48:50.000 I was with two other comics.

00:48:51.000 And I see this thing over by these garbage cans. 1.00

00:48:53.000 I'm like, holy shit, look at this fucking thing. 0.99

00:48:55.000 And I start walking towards it. 1.00

00:48:57.000 And this comic named Pommy Johnson goes, get the fuck back in the car, mate. 1.00

00:49:02.000 Fucking get in the fucking car. 1.00

00:49:03.000 And I'm like, what? 1.00

00:49:04.000 And I'm walking towards it.

00:49:06.000 And all of a sudden, I see it move. 0.99

00:49:07.000 And he's like, it'll fucking disembow you, mate. 0.99

00:49:10.000 It'll fucking go... 1.00

00:49:12.000 Wow. 0.99

00:49:13.000 And that's what they claim. 0.99

00:49:14.000 I think it's like an urban myth that they just fucking rip your stomach over. 0.93

00:49:18.000 No, no, it's not an urban myth. 0.96

00:49:19.000 People definitely have been attacked in that manner.

00:49:22.000 I thought they just got punched a lot.

00:49:23.000 The red kangaroo was the big one.

00:49:26.000 I'm just trying to find out how bad. 0.96

00:49:27.000 That would fucking freak me out if I saw a kangaroo that big. 1.00

00:49:31.000 Yeah, no shit. 0.99

00:49:32.000 I don't think they're that big, though. 0.99

00:49:33.000 I think you were freaking out.

00:49:34.000 If they were that big, I'd love to try to ride around in them.

00:49:36.000 Your ceiling, I didn't think it was 10. I thought it was about 7. I'd say 7 feet tall, this fucking thing.

00:49:42.000 Yeah, that's what they told us when we went to the zoo in Australia. 1.00

00:49:45.000 It was fucking terrifying. 0.98

00:49:47.000 Whoa, okay, here we go. 1.00

00:49:48.000 They can go to eight feet tall and weigh 200 pounds.

00:49:51.000 Wow. 1.00

00:49:52.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:49:54.000 Wow. 0.99

00:49:55.000 Have you ever seen those videos of the kangaroos? 0.99

00:49:56.000 Eight feet fucking tall? 0.99

00:49:57.000 Yeah, terrifying. 1.00

00:49:58.000 That's insane.

00:49:59.000 I've seen herds of them.

00:50:01.000 That is amazing.

00:50:03.000 You ever see those videos of the kangaroos fighting on the golf courses in Australia?

00:50:06.000 Yeah, that's where you see them all the time, golf courses.

00:50:08.000 It's not the red kangaroo.

00:50:09.000 The gray kangaroo is the big one, right?

00:50:10.000 Isn't that the big one?

00:50:13.000 I don't know, did you ever see guys fight them?

00:50:14.000 The Eastern Grey. 0.99

00:50:16.000 Jesus Christ, no, the red kangaroo does grow to nine feet fucking tall. 1.00

00:50:21.000 Holy shit, dude. 1.00

00:50:22.000 It doesn't weigh as much as the grey, but the red grows to nine fucking feet tall. 0.99

00:50:26.000 It was the scariest thing, because I got... 0.96

00:50:29.000 I got from here to the curtain.

00:50:31.000 I was 10 feet away from it. 1.00

00:50:33.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:50:33.000 And I was walking to it because I swear to God it looked like a statue. 1.00

00:50:36.000 And all of a sudden it like moved its hand and I went, oh my God, that's fucking alive. 1.00

00:50:41.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:50:42.000 That is so big. 1.00

00:50:42.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:50:44.000 Yeah, and this comic was just starting yelling out, get the fuck in the car! 1.00

00:50:49.000 Whoa, man. 1.00

00:50:50.000 Wow.

00:50:51.000 Yeah, that's a scary thing.

00:50:53.000 And apparently, well, people are cunty to them, I'm sure.

00:50:55.000 That's probably why they're so aggressive.

00:50:56.000 Oh, people hate them.

00:50:56.000 They think they're rodents.

00:50:57.000 Yeah.

00:50:57.000 Well, they kind of are.

00:50:58.000 Yeah, I mean, they...

00:50:59.000 Right?

00:51:00.000 I think they're kind of cool.

00:51:01.000 I think they're kind of cool, though.

00:51:02.000 Squirrels must feel so fortunate that they're not rats.

00:51:05.000 All they need is just that fluffy tail and everything's groovy and no plague.

00:51:09.000 You know, just eat nuts.

00:51:10.000 You don't have to eat garbage.

00:51:11.000 Okay, cool, cool.

00:51:12.000 Have you seen the viral video yet of the rat that goes up the guy's face?

00:51:15.000 What?

00:51:16.000 Oh yes, on the subway?

00:51:17.000 Everybody's been telling me about it.

00:51:17.000 I haven't seen it yet.

00:51:18.000 Dude, New York City rats are fucking terrifying. 0.99

00:51:21.000 I remember when I lived in New York, I think I've told this story, but I'll tell it again for this. 0.99

00:51:24.000 I was at a gas station once, and I went to use a payphone.

00:51:27.000 This is how old the story is.

00:51:29.000 I didn't have a cell phone.

00:51:30.000 So I step away from my car while my car is pumping gas, and I go to the payphone, and I'm on the payphone.

00:51:36.000 And while I'm on the payphone, I'm watching rats, big ones like cats, jump in the wheelhousing of my car, climb on the tires, climb down.

00:51:44.000 In your car?

00:51:45.000 Yes! 1.00

00:51:46.000 I'm fucking 15 feet away. 0.99

00:51:47.000 I stepped over to use the payphone. 0.99

00:51:49.000 And as I'm standing on the phone, I'm watching these rats, and they keep going down this opening in the manhole.

00:51:54.000 There must have been thousands of them down there.

00:51:57.000 The way they were coming up so quickly and in such rapid succession, one after the other, one after the other, and then down one after the other one.

00:52:04.000 I'm like, there's just a train of them down there.

00:52:06.000 I would have called 911 and reported my car stolen.

00:52:10.000 It's so scary, dude.

00:52:11.000 There's more rats than people in New York City.

00:52:13.000 I think it's four rats for every person.

00:52:15.000 I was walking down McDougal Street one time home from the cellar one night, and I'm just walking through it, and people put their garbage out in the street for the garbage man to pick them up.

00:52:23.000 I'm going between garbage and a building and all of a sudden a rat just runs out from the garbage and uses my foot as like a hurdle.

00:52:31.000 Its little feet touched my foot.

00:52:33.000 And it was the most I've ever been like a woman in my life.

00:52:37.000 I started like jumping up and down, like screaming. 0.99

00:52:41.000 Because it's like that fucking adrenaline rush. 0.99

00:52:44.000 And you can't fight. 1.00

00:52:45.000 You can't run. 1.00

00:52:46.000 You're just like, ah, what the fuck? 1.00

00:52:50.000 Imagine if a rat was as big as you. 1.00

00:52:52.000 We're such pussies. 1.00

00:52:53.000 We're such pussies compared to animals. 1.00

00:52:56.000 We're so soft and mushy and fleshy. 1.00

00:52:59.000 I think it's the filth, though, of the rats. 0.90

00:53:02.000 That's just the filth.

00:53:03.000 They're furious. 1.00

00:53:04.000 Those are wild motherfuckers. 1.00

00:53:05.000 That doesn't scare me as much as the filth of them. 1.00

00:53:08.000 You feel like they carry hepatitis and fucking AIDS and everything. 0.99

00:53:12.000 I mean, the Black Plague, isn't that connected to rats? 0.99

00:53:14.000 Isn't that all about rats?

00:53:15.000 A bunch of plagues have been about rats.

00:53:17.000 They're horrible carriers of diseases.

00:53:20.000 Jim Norton and Rich Voss used to go to this one park in New York and sit there and watch the rats and they said you'd see thousands of these rats. 0.62

00:53:29.000 Dude, there's so many of them in Manhattan. 0.91

00:53:31.000 Manhattan is so crazy with rats.

00:53:33.000 I was at a pool hall once in New Jersey, and this was the scariest rat I ever saw.

00:53:36.000 It was with my friend John.

00:53:37.000 We were doing a gig, and we stopped home from the gig to play some pool.

00:53:40.000 We stopped at this pool.

00:53:41.000 I get out of the car, and as I'm walking towards the door, there's a dumpster outside, and as I pass by the dumpster, there's the biggest rat I've ever seen.

00:53:49.000 Ever seen in my life.

00:53:51.000 I mean, it is like a raccoon.

00:53:52.000 It was gigantic. 0.99

00:53:54.000 No bullshit. 0.99

00:53:55.000 I'm not bullshitting. 0.99

00:53:56.000 It was two and a half, maybe three feet long in the body.

00:54:00.000 It was enormous. 1.00

00:54:01.000 And it had these huge, fucking nasty yellow teeth. 0.99

00:54:05.000 And I don't know if it was sick or if it was dying. 0.99

00:54:07.000 I mean, it may have been old age because it was so big. 1.00

00:54:09.000 It might have been the end of the line for this fucking thing. 0.99

00:54:11.000 But it was up on its back legs and it was going like this to me. 0.99

00:54:14.000 Oh! 0.60

00:54:15.000 Yeah!

00:54:16.000 Yeah!

00:54:17.000 And I was thinking, do I kick this thing?

00:54:19.000 Do I get a rock? 1.00

00:54:20.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:54:21.000 I was just such a little girly man. 1.00

00:54:25.000 I'll never forget the noise.

00:54:27.000 Well, you gotta think, with all the poison they lay down, like you'll see the signs in the subway saying, you know, careful, there's poison everywhere.

00:54:33.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:54:34.000 They've got to be adapting and mutating and we're making some fucking scary rat that is just... 0.98

00:54:41.000 Of course, right? 0.98

00:54:42.000 Yeah.

00:54:42.000 I mean, that's what happens with bacteria, right?

00:54:45.000 That's what...

00:54:45.000 And MRSA, it's, you know, that staph infection that people get that's antibiotic resistant.

00:54:51.000 That's what it is. 0.99

00:54:51.000 It's from fucking... 0.99

00:54:52.000 Is that like the superbug? 1.00

00:54:53.000 Yeah.

00:54:54.000 Well, the MRSA is the super staph.

00:54:56.000 I don't know what it actually stands for, but it's something resistant staph.

00:54:56.000 It's that...

00:55:02.000 So it's antibiotic resistant.

00:55:04.000 So when people get it, it's like really, really dangerous. 0.94

00:55:06.000 And it's really just created by human beings, by us fighting off different versions until the only ones who survive were super fucking strong.

00:55:13.000 That's why I just read the other day that 80% of all the antibiotics in America are given to animals.

00:55:19.000 Like, they pump them so full of antibiotics.

00:55:21.000 And the same bacteria that we've used antibiotics to fight off, so do animals.

00:55:26.000 So all the antibiotics they're taking is causing the bacteria to butate, which is making us immune to these antibiotics, too.

00:55:33.000 Is that true?

00:55:34.000 Because I was on a...

00:55:36.000 I did a thing about...

00:55:38.000 I talked about Food, Inc.

00:55:41.000 You know, because I saw Food, Inc.

00:55:42.000 And I got contacted... 0.98

00:55:43.000 And this is one of the coolest fucking things about this podcast. 0.98

00:55:45.000 I got contacted by a bunch of scientists. 0.98

00:55:48.000 Food scientists, you know, people who are, you know, involved in, you know, these farms and one guy who worked for a poultry company and he was talking to me about it. 0.99

00:55:48.000 Fuck. 0.99

00:56:00.000 Let me find it here. 1.00

00:56:01.000 That shows the difference between your listeners and ours.

00:56:03.000 You have all these like intelligent people that are really interested. 1.00

00:56:06.000 We get guys who are like, you guys are fat cunts. 0.99

00:56:09.000 Well, I get those, too. 0.99

00:56:11.000 Watch Corn, too, by the way, if you ever get the chance to watch a documentary, Corn.

00:56:14.000 Is that about Monsanto?

00:56:15.000 That's where they even go into more detail about having holes on the side of the cows.

00:56:19.000 It's so creepy in Food Inc.

00:56:21.000 There's a hole on the side of the cow. 1.00

00:56:23.000 Well, it's according to this guy.

00:56:24.000 First of all, one he wanted, and his name is Jacob Kim, so thank you, Jacob.

00:56:27.000 And one of the things that he explained to me is that chickens are not on steroids.

00:56:32.000 And what it is is just genetic selection.

00:56:34.000 And they've naturally selected birds with bigger and bigger breasts to the point where they're freaks. 0.57

00:56:38.000 So they wouldn't have survived if they were a real animal, but, you know, because we grow them just for their tits. 0.98

00:56:44.000 And he also said that what they're supposed to do is they're supposed to cycle the antibiotics.

00:56:49.000 So when a bird is sick, they have a cycle.

00:56:51.000 There's 49 days, he says, to grow a bird.

00:56:54.000 So in business terms, the farmer sees profits go down as the flock stays longer than that.

00:56:58.000 So in the instance that a 30-day-old flock gets sick, well, they're supposed to wait 21 days before they kill them.

00:57:05.000 So when they get sick, they're going to lose like 10 or 11 days of profit.

00:57:10.000 So if they do something like that and lose these days of profit, you know, it's like a problem with them.

00:57:15.000 So some unscrupulous companies don't follow that.

00:57:18.000 And then they send out the bird, you know, like 15 days later and the bird's still pumped up with antibiotics and has a process to their system.

00:57:25.000 I can't believe it. 0.92

00:57:26.000 I fucking had one thing that I didn't do right. 0.98

00:57:26.000 I know. 0.98

00:57:29.000 Let me shut it off. 1.00

00:57:35.000 Thanks AT&T, you fucking cunts. 1.00

00:57:38.000 My new phone number, you fuckheads, for giving out it all to 1-800-FAGGOTS. Oops, I said it. 1.00

00:57:44.000 Shit. 1.00

00:57:44.000 Ah, you're unretired. 1.00

00:57:46.000 You gotta stay away from that word.

00:57:47.000 Yeah, he retired it, but it's been feeding.

00:57:50.000 It's been growing in him lately.

00:57:52.000 Yeah, I find it a funny word. 1.00

00:57:53.000 Yeah.

00:57:54.000 I don't...

00:57:55.000 I mean, I'm never going to retire a word.

00:57:57.000 Come on.

00:57:58.000 I always said, like, when they tried to retire the N-word, I go, what are they going to do?

00:57:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:01.000 Put it on a banner and raise it into the rafters at, like, the Apollo Theater?

00:58:04.000 Like, a number?

00:58:04.000 Right.

00:58:05.000 Like, it's retired.

00:58:07.000 I apologize for saying that word. 0.98

00:58:09.000 If some gay guy gets mad at me, and I'll just... 0.99

00:58:12.000 Flirt with him. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Until he calms down a little.

00:58:15.000 You just blow him until he goes to sleep.

00:58:16.000 Don't be mad.

00:58:17.000 Yeah, I do a bit right now where I say it. 0.53

00:58:19.000 I go, you know, like, the reason that, like, gay men are more sexually promiscuous than men and women is because they've got time and energy from not fighting all the time because a gay fight, you know, it's just like, hey, those shoes don't match your belt. 1.00

00:58:31.000 And he's like, really? 1.00

00:58:32.000 Let's fuck. 1.00

00:58:33.000 You know, like, that's... 1.00

00:58:34.000 Please, gay guys beat the shit out of each other, man. 1.00

00:58:35.000 And that's the other thing. 1.00

00:58:36.000 Gay guys can beat the shit out of each other and the cops show up. 1.00

00:58:39.000 He punched me. 1.00

00:58:39.000 They're like, what happened? 1.00

00:58:40.000 Well, hit him back, faggot. 1.00

00:58:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:58:42.000 That's funny.

00:58:43.000 So anyway, back to what the guy was explaining to me.

00:58:45.000 So no steroids for chickens. 0.96

00:58:47.000 That's not true.

00:58:48.000 But it is true for cows.

00:58:50.000 So cows are jacked. 0.92

00:58:52.000 Cows are totally jacked up on hormones. 1.00

00:58:55.000 But no hormones at all or no steroids on chickens because I eat all grass-fed stuff.

00:59:01.000 I order all my meat from U.S. Wellness Meats.

00:59:05.000 It's good.

00:59:06.000 Grass-fed beef tastes really good.

00:59:08.000 I had a strip last night and pork chops.

00:59:10.000 Grass-fed pork chops.

00:59:12.000 We need pop shields, by the way, because pork chops makes a big, terrible noise in people's ears.

00:59:18.000 I ordered those.

00:59:20.000 I eat the paleo diet.

00:59:23.000 Do you know that?

00:59:24.000 Yeah.

00:59:24.000 So I eat that diet and I'm into all the grass-fed shit.

00:59:27.000 And my chicken breasts that I get are grass-fed and they're fucking massive. 1.00

00:59:32.000 And I'm like, this is weird. 0.62

00:59:34.000 I heard the whole thing was when you buy organic and grass-fed that you're just not getting the... 0.99

00:59:38.000 They're fucking... 0.99

00:59:39.000 They're bigger. 1.00

00:59:40.000 How's that possible?

00:59:41.000 There's chemicals in the grass.

00:59:42.000 Yeah.

00:59:42.000 How's that possible?

00:59:43.000 I don't know.

00:59:44.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:59:46.000 What's going on in that grass?

00:59:46.000 Yeah.

00:59:48.000 Hey, so what did you think about that movie, Into the Void?

00:59:52.000 I shut it off after the car accident when the parents were killed in the car accident.

00:59:52.000 I saw it last night.

00:59:57.000 I'm like, first of all, you showed me a girl who's a prostitute and a stripper, and then you showed her happy family. 1.00

01:00:03.000 Fuck you. 1.00

01:00:05.000 That's more science fiction than the DMT shit, because that's just shitty writing to me. 1.00

01:00:09.000 You're showing me this girl who loves her brother and how much You love me. 0.99

01:00:12.000 I love you so much.

01:00:13.000 You're just jerking with my emotions, man.

01:00:14.000 This isn't good story writing. 0.97

01:00:15.000 This is nonsense.

01:00:16.000 What I liked about the movie was the first person perspective.

01:00:19.000 It was like I was in a video game. 0.99

01:00:20.000 That was cool as fuck. 0.99

01:00:21.000 The blinking of the eye. 0.99

01:00:23.000 You could actually see it where the character blinks.

01:00:25.000 They would have it randomly every five, ten seconds.

01:00:28.000 And then when he goes into the DMT trip, did you think that was pretty realistic?

01:00:32.000 No.

01:00:33.000 I thought that was so amazing.

01:00:34.000 It was interesting, but it wasn't realistic.

01:00:36.000 First of all, you couldn't explain what the DMT trip looks to a person.

01:00:42.000 You couldn't recreate it with CGI, because what it is isn't possible.

01:00:48.000 What you'll see, it doesn't make any sense what I'm saying, but when you have a DMT trip, you're not seeing anything that can be recreated.

01:00:56.000 It's impossible to recreate.

01:00:58.000 What I'm watching there was just some swirly cool shit and really interesting, but when you see a DMT trip, first of all, it's a million things at the same time.

01:01:09.000 It's a bunch of different things. 0.95

01:01:11.000 Depending on how you look at it, it's a different thing.

01:01:14.000 I really liked how there was so much detail, too, because I've noticed this on past hallucinant trips before, like, little things.

01:01:21.000 So, like, after he was tripping, like, he shut this door, and the door kind of had, like, a red pulse when he shut it and stuff like that.

01:01:27.000 Now, what did you think about even at the very beginning where you were hypnotized in a seizure where it's just flashing all those logos?

01:01:35.000 Yeah, that's crazy.

01:01:35.000 Like, that happens throughout the movie.

01:01:37.000 At some points, you're just like, all right, they're brainwashing me right now.

01:01:40.000 From the government or Google.

01:01:40.000 This is, like...

01:01:42.000 Hey, DMT. That kind of shit, though, I'm starting to wonder about that. 1.00

01:01:45.000 I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I am paranoid. 0.99

01:01:50.000 Are you really?

01:01:51.000 I'm completely paranoid. 0.96

01:01:52.000 Or I can get there and I've got to close the neuropathways and just fucking try to bring myself back from it. 0.99

01:02:00.000 Because I can go totally into that where I'll start thinking like anything, like a fucking sitcom. 0.91

01:02:05.000 Well, you had a real freak out recently. 0.99

01:02:08.000 We talked about this on The Green Room where you got super paranoid from weed.

01:02:14.000 And I've had it happen.

01:02:14.000 Yeah.

01:02:15.000 It was the second time it happened.

01:02:17.000 The first time I ate a pot cookie in Australia.

01:02:18.000 The second time I just smoked.

01:02:20.000 But you said something really interesting to me.

01:02:22.000 You know, he said, I can't smoke pot.

01:02:23.000 I said, yes, you can.

01:02:23.000 He said, I have to go to therapy first.

01:02:26.000 Like, what do you have to go to therapy about?

01:02:28.000 Breathing exercises? 0.93

01:02:29.000 I don't fucking know, but it just put me into panic attacks. 0.96

01:02:31.000 And I thought it was just the weed. 0.96

01:02:35.000 The first time it happened...

01:02:36.000 Haven't we smoked weed before?

01:02:37.000 Didn't we smoke weed in Florida?

01:02:39.000 You know, it's another funny story.

01:02:40.000 You know, it's a funny story.

01:02:41.000 One time I was at a medicinal marijuana benefit that you were, like, playing...

01:02:46.000 You were doing a show at the Comedy Store for him.

01:02:48.000 Brian Callen and I came over.

01:02:50.000 And some girl was with you that was in charge of it or something. 0.92

01:02:55.000 And she goes, she had these muffins.

01:02:57.000 And I had no idea.

01:02:59.000 I didn't know that you were a big pothead. 0.99

01:03:00.000 I didn't know what it was.

01:03:02.000 And I was starving, and she goes, do you want a muffin?

01:03:05.000 And I'm like, yeah, I'll have a muffin.

01:03:06.000 So I ate the muffin, and I'm like, these are really good.

01:03:09.000 And she's like, yeah.

01:03:10.000 And then Callan goes, what's the show?

01:03:12.000 And you go, oh, it's a benefit for medicinal marijuana. 0.99

01:03:14.000 And I go, I went, did I just fucking eat a pot? 0.98

01:03:19.000 Oh, dude, I remember this. 0.98

01:03:20.000 She goes, yeah.

01:03:21.000 And I went like this.

01:03:22.000 I go, I gotta go.

01:03:23.000 I gotta go.

01:03:24.000 I gotta get home right now.

01:03:26.000 And I drove home as fast as I could because I knew it would take, you know, like 20 minutes for it to kick in.

01:03:30.000 And I just didn't want to be out with it going on and just be... 0.99

01:03:34.000 And I was like, fuck, I gotta... 0.99

01:03:35.000 Because I had done... 1.00

01:03:36.000 I had eaten pot cookies before and I was like, I gotta get the fuck home. 0.97

01:03:39.000 So what happened? 0.91

01:03:40.000 So I drove home as fast as I could. 0.91

01:03:41.000 I get home and it kicks in and I just had the fucking greatest experience all alone. 0.67

01:03:46.000 And I'm having a wonderful night, and I called a girl, and they're like, can you go to 7-Eleven for me? 0.95

01:03:50.000 I need this, this, this, this.

01:03:52.000 And I just was laughing, and she's like, you're high.

01:03:55.000 I'm like, yeah, yeah.

01:03:55.000 But the first time I did it was in Australia, and I had such a great time.

01:04:00.000 I had to do a show three nights in a row.

01:04:02.000 By the third night, the same exact audience.

01:04:05.000 Oh my god.

01:04:06.000 Every night. 0.99

01:04:06.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

01:04:07.000 So by the third show, I'm out of shit. 1.00

01:04:10.000 I'm down to my worst stuff. 0.99

01:04:13.000 So right before I went on stage, I ate a pot cookie. 0.97

01:04:16.000 I'm thinking, I did like an hour and 45 minutes, and they're like, it was fucking brilliant! 0.69

01:04:22.000 And I'm like, what did I talk about? 0.69

01:04:24.000 They're like, you talked about the Mach 3 Razor for an hour!

01:04:27.000 And I'm like, really?

01:04:28.000 And they're like, we don't even have it here!

01:04:31.000 That's hilarious.

01:04:32.000 Too bad you didn't record your set.

01:04:33.000 That would have been great.

01:04:35.000 I've had two freakouts.

01:04:37.000 One I went to the hospital.

01:04:38.000 Was it pop-related?

01:04:39.000 Pop-related.

01:04:40.000 And one's where the ambulance came to my house.

01:04:43.000 But now I don't get that anymore.

01:04:44.000 I don't get that anxiety or anything like that unless I eat it.

01:04:47.000 And then when I eat it, it's not good.

01:04:49.000 Well, also, I mean, it depends on what's going on in your life at the time.

01:04:53.000 Well, I should be getting paranoid.

01:04:53.000 You think?

01:04:55.000 I should be dead right now then. 0.98

01:04:56.000 Because I smoke pot every day and my life's crazy. 0.98

01:04:56.000 Why? 0.98

01:04:59.000 Your life's crazy? 1.00

01:05:00.000 Yeah, well, you know, just all this shit lately. 1.00

01:05:02.000 If that's what you're saying. 0.98

01:05:03.000 No, no, it's not.

01:05:04.000 I don't think your life's crazy, man.

01:05:06.000 I think your life is saner now than it was just a couple of years ago.

01:05:09.000 Yeah.

01:05:10.000 Do you remember you?

01:05:11.000 Well, you know, I don't want to get into personal details, but you know what I'm talking about.

01:05:14.000 The problem is, all right, and here's the number one problem with eating it. 0.99

01:05:20.000 Nobody knows what the fuck it does to you. 0.99

01:05:22.000 Nobody tells you. 0.99

01:05:23.000 They just sell these things at the pot stores.

01:05:25.000 Oh, is that a pot brownie?

01:05:26.000 Oh, I'll try eating it.

01:05:28.000 Not knowing that it's way more powerful.

01:05:31.000 Way, way more powerful.

01:05:32.000 And it lasts forever.

01:05:34.000 I ate a pot brownie once and I swear to God it lasted 12 hours.

01:05:37.000 Yeah, this first one lasted about 12. Fucking amazing. 0.98

01:05:40.000 And they told me. 0.99

01:05:41.000 It was funny.

01:05:42.000 I was having a great time.

01:05:43.000 I was in Adelaide, Australia.

01:05:44.000 I'd been drinking all day.

01:05:46.000 And then I ate half a cookie.

01:05:48.000 And they said, just eat half.

01:05:49.000 Nothing happened.

01:05:50.000 I go, I'm going to have the other half.

01:05:51.000 And they were like, all right.

01:05:52.000 I did the other half.

01:05:54.000 Having a great time.

01:05:55.000 And all of a sudden, I turned around.

01:05:56.000 I got up to go to the kitchen.

01:05:57.000 I turned around and looked at these girls. 1.00

01:05:59.000 And I go, make it stop.

01:06:01.000 Whatever we have to do to stop this.

01:06:04.000 To stop your trip?

01:06:05.000 Yeah.

01:06:06.000 I was like, is there any way to abort right now?

01:06:09.000 And they're like, Alright, calm down.

01:06:11.000 And I'm like, no, no, no. 0.98

01:06:12.000 We need to fucking stop this. 0.98

01:06:14.000 And they're like... 1.00

01:06:14.000 Why are you being such a bitch? 1.00

01:06:16.000 I don't know, but what started happening, it was like... 1.00

01:06:18.000 Around a bunch of girls, man? 0.98

01:06:20.000 Why don't you pull it together?

01:06:21.000 Hey, remember when I tripped out at Fear Factor, I had to sit with all those girl interns in their car. 0.99

01:06:25.000 You kept it together, though.

01:06:27.000 You didn't yell at anybody to make it stop.

01:06:28.000 I thought my eyeballs were popping.

01:06:30.000 I jacked him when he first came here from Ohio.

01:06:31.000 He had nothing.

01:06:32.000 He had no resistance.

01:06:33.000 He was used to this Ohio weed, which might as well have been...

01:06:36.000 It's Mexican brick weed. 0.64

01:06:38.000 Might as well have been smoking talcum powder, which is nonsense. 0.83

01:06:41.000 That's a terrible example.

01:06:42.000 Gold bond.

01:06:43.000 And I gave him a pot lollipop. 0.99

01:06:44.000 These fucking Beyond Bomb before Beyond Bomb went to jail. 0.99

01:06:49.000 They were operating a multi-million dollar operation out of Oakland and the DEA raided them during the Bush administration. 0.99

01:06:54.000 And we had two.

01:06:55.000 We had one on the way there and then like a half hour later you're like, you feel anything?

01:06:58.000 I'm like, no, not really.

01:06:59.000 And then so we took another one because we I think you were new to the lollipops too at the time.

01:07:03.000 You didn't really know like the length of how long the wait and stuff.

01:07:06.000 This is giving me a panic attack right now.

01:07:08.000 I'm sitting and he drops me and goes, oh, hang out here in this trailer.

01:07:11.000 It was like the trailer with all the managers and directors and producers and stuff like that.

01:07:16.000 And I'm just sitting in the back not knowing anybody and it hits me.

01:07:19.000 We're all super friendly.

01:07:20.000 Oh, they're totally cool.

01:07:21.000 But I mean, my heart started pounding.

01:07:22.000 I started freaking out.

01:07:23.000 I go and sit on the curb and then in between breaks, you come out and you're like, how are you doing? 0.99

01:07:27.000 I'm like, dude, I'm so fucking stoned. 0.89

01:07:29.000 I'm having a panic attack. 0.96

01:07:30.000 And you're like, dude, I still have a mic on.

01:07:31.000 And so now everybody in the trailer now hears me. 0.99

01:07:36.000 And so then he like dropped me off in these interns' car and just sat there and talked about fucking sex in the studio or something. 0.99

01:07:43.000 I think I told you this. 0.99

01:07:44.000 I know these little dudes that I used to kind of...

01:07:47.000 It was a girl that was friends with her little brothers and they were big potheads in high school.

01:07:51.000 And we used to hang around when we were in college at their house and they'd always...

01:07:55.000 They were up to no...

01:07:56.000 Like they'd grow it in their backyard.

01:07:58.000 They tried everything.

01:07:59.000 So they were making pot cookies one night and they make them and they leave them out.

01:08:03.000 They're kind of a wealthy family.

01:08:05.000 They have like a maid and everything. 1.00

01:08:06.000 They leave the pot cookies out because the parents are always out of town.

01:08:09.000 The maid puts them in baggies and puts them in the cookie canister.

01:08:14.000 Dad comes home, grabs two cookies, two full cookies, and eats them, rushed to the hospital thinking he's having a heart attack.

01:08:23.000 And I say to the kid, like, they're telling me the story.

01:08:25.000 I'm like, so did you tell them? 1.00

01:08:26.000 They're like, fuck no! 1.00

01:08:28.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:08:29.000 So did he ever figure out that he was medicated?

01:08:31.000 I don't think he did.

01:08:31.000 He thought he had a panic attack?

01:08:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:34.000 You know, one kid went to jail because they dosed their teacher up in school.

01:08:38.000 They gave their teacher pot cookies.

01:08:40.000 I remember in high school, we used to always try to sneak in laxatives in our teacher's coffees and stuff. 0.98

01:08:46.000 And I look back and I'm like, that's fucking rude. 0.75

01:08:48.000 Because I mean, I remember getting like milk in Asia and just pouring like the It's a whole thing. 0.98

01:08:51.000 It's dangerous too.

01:08:52.000 It's evil. 0.99

01:08:53.000 I heard about a fraternity once, you know, all these dumb fraternity parties. 0.98

01:08:56.000 I forget where it was at this college, like George Mason. 0.94

01:08:58.000 When I was doing a show there, they go, oh yeah, we got this fraternity that at the end of Hell Week, they feed them spaghetti.

01:09:05.000 They give them this big spaghetti dinner that the little sisters make for them.

01:09:09.000 And then they feed them chocolate pudding, but it's full of ex-lax.

01:09:13.000 And then they make them climb a tree.

01:09:15.000 And they've got to spend the night in a tree like The top guy gets to go to the top of the tree and all the way down. 1.00

01:09:21.000 So if you're an asshole, you're down at the bottom. 1.00

01:09:23.000 So they're shitting on each other? 1.00

01:09:24.000 They're just all shitting on each other. 1.00

01:09:27.000 Fraternity things are so disgusting. 1.00

01:09:29.000 They're just preparing you for just to be fucked with and to be in some cunty group where you get to fuck with new people. 1.00

01:09:35.000 Just taking advantage of the people that have the least amount of power and the people that want the most from you. 1.00

01:09:40.000 The other good thing about fraternities was going to their parties and fucking their sorority girls. 1.00

01:09:45.000 I did stand-up at a fraternity once, I'm pretty sure. 1.00

01:09:47.000 I know I was supposed to. 0.94

01:09:48.000 I did a lot of college gigs in weird spots, like cafeterias and shit and rec rooms. 0.88

01:09:55.000 I did one in a cafeteria where I had to stand on actual cafeteria tables. 0.65

01:09:59.000 I was like, that was the stage?

01:10:01.000 It was a table.

01:10:02.000 It stood on a cafeteria table.

01:10:04.000 But one fraternity stunt that I heard that was the craziest was they made this guy drink water and he died from water.

01:10:11.000 Oh yeah, you can't drink too much water.

01:10:13.000 What's that called?

01:10:14.000 Hypnotremia or something?

01:10:15.000 It's pretty much you're drowning yourself.

01:10:15.000 Yeah.

01:10:17.000 It's not nuts though, but just drinking.

01:10:17.000 Yeah.

01:10:18.000 You piss out all your salt and then you dehy- What the fuck? 0.99

01:10:22.000 It almost happens with this new Starbucks size. 1.00

01:10:24.000 Jesus Christ, I've been drinking this iced tea forever and I'm still only like... 0.99

01:10:29.000 We are such gluttons. 0.98

01:10:30.000 Hold that up to the camera. 0.97

01:10:31.000 For folks that don't see it at home, this is the new Starbucks 32-ounce.

01:10:34.000 And this is just an iced coffee, or an iced tea, rather.

01:10:38.000 Yeah, here's the old size, and here's the other size.

01:10:43.000 And it's thicker, too, or bigger.

01:10:45.000 It's not only taller, but it's wider.

01:10:47.000 Yeah.

01:10:47.000 It's wider.

01:10:47.000 I got that hypnosis.

01:10:48.000 32 ounces, right?

01:10:50.000 In a marathon.

01:10:51.000 I ran a marathon.

01:10:52.000 You drank too much water?

01:10:53.000 I panicked. 1.00

01:10:54.000 Like, you just shouldn't change your fucking habits. 1.00

01:10:56.000 But everybody goes, oh, you know, make sure you hydrate. 1.00

01:10:58.000 Make sure you hydrate.

01:10:59.000 Make sure you hydrate. 0.95

01:10:59.000 So I drank like fucking like 10 bottles of water before the race. 0.95

01:11:03.000 Oh, wow. 0.99

01:11:04.000 And I knew I started pissing like so much. 0.99

01:11:09.000 That I went, fuck, I'm going to piss all my salt out. 0.99

01:11:12.000 I never thought about that ever a day in my life. 0.99

01:11:14.000 I went up to a coffee table, and I go to this woman, I go, do you have salt packets? 1.00

01:11:20.000 I need fucking salt. 0.99

01:11:21.000 I just wanted to down some salt. 1.00

01:11:23.000 And this big, fat, black woman goes, who put salt in their coffee? 1.00

01:11:28.000 And I'm like, just give me fucking salt! 1.00

01:11:31.000 And I knew it was going to fucking happen. 0.99

01:11:33.000 And sure enough, I hit like the 16-mile mark, and I hit a wall I'd never hit in my life because I was just nothing left in me. 0.97

01:11:41.000 I've never heard anybody doing that before.

01:11:42.000 I've never even thought about salt.

01:11:43.000 I know a woman died in, I think it was Sacramento, I want to say.

01:11:47.000 There was a radio stunt that they did where she had to drink a lot of water.

01:11:50.000 Yeah, that was like a year and a half ago, two years ago.

01:11:52.000 Yeah, and it was like we were on the Crosstown radio station. 0.97

01:11:56.000 We were on one of their competitor's stations and they were telling us a story of how fucked up it was. 1.00

01:12:01.000 That's some sad shit, man. 1.00

01:12:04.000 Death by water. 1.00

01:12:05.000 Some woman who was trying to win an Xbox for her kids or something crazy. 1.00

01:12:08.000 Wasn't it in San Francisco?

01:12:10.000 Something in Northern California.

01:12:11.000 Sacramento, I thought it was.

01:12:12.000 Might be San Jose.

01:12:13.000 But Northern California, whatever it is.

01:12:15.000 But it's just like... 1.00

01:12:16.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:12:17.000 Drinking water? 1.00

01:12:18.000 We're so bitchy. 1.00

01:12:19.000 We're so fragile.

01:12:20.000 Is there a dog out there that could die because he drinks too much water?

01:12:23.000 No. 1.00

01:12:24.000 We suck. 1.00

01:12:25.000 We're such pussies. 1.00

01:12:27.000 Yeah, but that's an anomaly. 1.00

01:12:29.000 Then you see guys that I know, this fucking crazy dude that I know from New Jersey, who drank bleach, and he's alive. 0.98

01:12:37.000 What? 1.00

01:12:37.000 He's the dumbest. 1.00

01:12:38.000 This guy went to Penn State, and my friends all know him, and they all talked about him. 1.00

01:12:42.000 I finally got to meet him, and he's just a fucking maniac. 0.99

01:12:45.000 He sells Mack trucks now. 1.00

01:12:46.000 I think that's what he does for a living.

01:12:48.000 And they knew him from this fraternity.

01:12:48.000 Wow.

01:12:50.000 They're like, this dude fell off the roof four times.

01:12:53.000 Everybody knows a guy.

01:12:54.000 And I'm like, why would you keep climbing up there?

01:12:56.000 And they're like, they would put signs, don't let him on the roof.

01:12:59.000 He would still go up there and fall off.

01:13:01.000 So they tell me he chugged bleach or did a shot of it or something.

01:13:05.000 And I go, I don't believe it.

01:13:07.000 So I meet him one night or I see him and I go, hey, dude.

01:13:07.000 I don't believe it.

01:13:10.000 I go, hey, dude.

01:13:11.000 I think his name is Regan or something.

01:13:13.000 I go, is it true you drank bleach?

01:13:15.000 And he's like, yeah.

01:13:16.000 And I go, why?

01:13:18.000 Why?

01:13:19.000 And he goes, because it's said on the bottle, if you drink this, you will die.

01:13:23.000 Am I dead?

01:13:25.000 No.

01:13:26.000 And that was like his whole point.

01:13:28.000 Wow.

01:13:29.000 I know homeless people used to drink rubbing alcohol when they couldn't get real alcohol or something like that.

01:13:36.000 Do you remember Michael Dukakis? 0.96

01:13:38.000 Michael Dukakis, when he ran for president, who's running for president, and his wife, Kitty Dukakis, was such an alcoholic that she began drinking shaving cream and shit like that. 0.97

01:13:38.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:13:48.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:13:48.000 She was drinking, like, nutty shit, and she got rushed to the hospital. 1.00

01:13:52.000 I believe it was shaving cream. 1.00

01:13:53.000 Something, you know, aftershave, something nutty.

01:13:55.000 Do you work at the stress factory in New Jersey?

01:13:57.000 I have.

01:13:58.000 Vinny Brand told me a story.

01:13:59.000 I forget the comic.

01:14:00.000 I think he was one of those famous prop comics.

01:14:03.000 But in his day, was a really bad alcoholic.

01:14:06.000 And I could be wrong with who the comic is.

01:14:10.000 Lenny Schultz?

01:14:11.000 Crazy Lenny?

01:14:11.000 I don't think it was Lenny.

01:14:12.000 Because I think the guy's...

01:14:13.000 Lenny's not dead, is he?

01:14:15.000 I don't know.

01:14:15.000 Whoever it is, I think is dead now.

01:14:16.000 Lenny was really old back in the day.

01:14:17.000 He went in Vinny's office and drank cologne.

01:14:21.000 What?

01:14:22.000 He came out and Vinny smelled his breath and was like... 1.00

01:14:24.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:14:25.000 Like he was that much of an alcoholic. 1.00

01:14:28.000 Chicks, have you ever heard of when girls fall asleep with hair dryers in their beds? 1.00

01:14:33.000 That's like an actual, you know, a lot of girls do that to keep warm or something like that or the sound of it. 1.00

01:14:40.000 Have you ever heard of that before?

01:14:42.000 Just full blast hair dryer.

01:14:44.000 In their bed.

01:14:45.000 It's actually a condition.

01:14:46.000 What?

01:14:47.000 That's awesome. 0.97

01:14:48.000 People are so nuts, man.

01:14:50.000 This Kitty Dukakis thing, it was rubbing alcohol. 1.00

01:14:53.000 That's what she drank. 0.97

01:14:54.000 I thought you died.

01:14:56.000 I guess she was rushed to the hospital. 0.99

01:14:58.000 I mean, I guess you can die.

01:14:59.000 But how crazy is that?

01:15:00.000 This guy was running for president.

01:15:01.000 It just goes to show you how much your world is falling apart when you're running for president.

01:15:06.000 I mean, how much effort do you have to put into it?

01:15:08.000 It's the reason why these guys go gray like a year after they get into office.

01:15:12.000 The amount of stress and the...

01:15:14.000 I mean, he wasn't paying attention to his wife at all.

01:15:16.000 Don't you think you'd know if your wife was ready to drink rubbing alcohol? 1.00

01:15:19.000 Like, baby, how you feeling? 1.00

01:15:20.000 I'm thinking about drinking some fucking cologne. 1.00

01:15:23.000 What? 1.00

01:15:24.000 Let's talk.

01:15:25.000 Hold on.

01:15:26.000 Listen, I can't talk.

01:15:27.000 I've got to run for president.

01:15:28.000 But don't drink cologne.

01:15:29.000 I'll be back in 20 days.

01:15:32.000 Baby, I'm talking about drinking some rum clone.

01:15:34.000 Don't drink my perfume.

01:15:37.000 Apparently, she was taking antidepressants or something, too.

01:15:40.000 She'd been taking an antidepressant prescription. 0.99

01:15:42.000 This is like antidepressants back in the fucking 80s. 0.99

01:15:45.000 What were they? 0.99

01:15:46.000 I'm amazed.

01:15:47.000 Ground-up leeches?

01:15:48.000 Would they serve you in 1989 for antidepressants?

01:15:52.000 Cocaine.

01:15:53.000 What kind of antidepressants do they have?

01:15:53.000 Coca-Cola.

01:15:55.000 They didn't have the good shit. 1.00

01:15:56.000 Just drink a Coke. 1.00

01:15:57.000 Thorazine.

01:15:58.000 Isn't that schizophrenia or something?

01:16:01.000 I don't know.

01:16:01.000 Prozac, right?

01:16:02.000 Wasn't Prozac one of the early ones?

01:16:04.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:16:05.000 Dude, I know so many fucking parents that dope up their kids. 1.00

01:16:08.000 I know two parents where their kids are just wild, they're crazy, and the parents don't pay much attention to the kids. 1.00

01:16:13.000 So the kids are on drugs. 1.00

01:16:15.000 That's fucked up. 0.99

01:16:15.000 They put the kids on some medication. 0.99

01:16:17.000 People give dogs antidepressants and fucking anxiety drugs. 0.99

01:16:17.000 People do that with dogs. 0.99

01:16:21.000 My old neighbor, she used to live down the street from me, and I didn't know her that much, but you just say, hi, how you doing?

01:16:27.000 What's going on? 0.98

01:16:28.000 And her kid was always running around and playing fucking dragons and swords, like kids do. 0.99

01:16:34.000 You know, I gotta get him on something. 0.99

01:16:36.000 There's something wrong with him.

01:16:37.000 I'm like, there's nothing wrong with your kid.

01:16:38.000 It's a kid. 0.99

01:16:39.000 When kids are fucking four and you work all day and you come home, they're wired to the gills, okay? 0.99

01:16:44.000 No one's watching what they're eating. 1.00

01:16:45.000 They're eating candy all day.

01:16:46.000 And they want to go crazy and go nutty.

01:16:48.000 You're just old.

01:16:49.000 You forgot what it's like to be a five-year-old.

01:16:50.000 This is how five-year-olds are. 1.00

01:16:52.000 They're fucking crazy. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Five-year-old boys are crazy. 1.00

01:16:54.000 And she had them doped up. 1.00

01:16:55.000 And then this other lady I know, same fucking thing. 1.00

01:16:57.000 Her kid was wild. 1.00

01:16:58.000 He was running around, crashing cars into everything.

01:17:00.000 She's like, there's something wrong with him.

01:17:01.000 I gotta take him to the doctor. 1.00

01:17:02.000 I'm like, there's nothing wrong with your fucking Yeah, he's a fucking kid. 1.00

01:17:05.000 So she's got him doped up too. 1.00

01:17:06.000 It's amazing that that's even an option.

01:17:09.000 Jim Jeffries said his mom used to wake him up every morning with a glass of orange juice and Ritalin.

01:17:14.000 And she would just open up.

01:17:16.000 He said he didn't even know what it was.

01:17:18.000 She'd just be like, open up and just pop him in his mouth and make him drink it down. 1.00

01:17:22.000 Well, you know, when you develop a kid incorrectly...

01:17:24.000 I mean, some people are just mentally imbalanced.

01:17:26.000 That is a fact. 1.00

01:17:26.000 Some people, their hormone levels or their chemical levels of their brain are just fucked up. 1.00

01:17:31.000 And they do need some help. 0.99

01:17:32.000 But there's other people that just were... 0.98

01:17:34.000 Somebody raised them shitty. 0.99

01:17:35.000 Just did a terrible job. 1.00

01:17:37.000 Barely fucking paid attention to them. 1.00

01:17:38.000 And the kid developed all this nutty behavior. 1.00

01:17:41.000 And getting it out of someone?

01:17:42.000 It's way harder to get something out of someone once it's in there.

01:17:47.000 Once they've already developed some wacky patterns of behavior and they have certain associations...

01:17:51.000 Very difficult to get that to change.

01:17:54.000 But if you could just, you know, it's way easier to raise them correctly from the beginning. 0.99

01:17:57.000 To try to turn someone around once they're fucked up. 0.98

01:17:59.000 It's like how many people that you know that are a mess that have fucked up lives ever pull it together? 0.99

01:18:04.000 Ever. 0.96

01:18:05.000 You know, ever.

01:18:06.000 So few.

01:18:07.000 So few people ever quit anything. 0.98

01:18:09.000 I know a chick who used to prostitute herself. 1.00

01:18:12.000 And she was like the nicest girl in the world.

01:18:15.000 I knew two girls that kind of like went to prostitution. 1.00

01:18:18.000 And you wouldn't think... 0.99

01:18:19.000 Either of these girls, but she was doing like Craigslist hooking and shit. 1.00

01:18:23.000 And she, you know, it had like the molestation thing and all that fucked up stuff. 0.98

01:18:29.000 And she went to therapy and I said, why don't you tell, you know, what's your therapist say about it? 0.67

01:18:34.000 And she's like, I don't tell him.

01:18:35.000 I'm like, well... 1.00

01:18:36.000 You need to tell your therapist that you were molested and all this stuff and work on that shit. 0.99

01:18:41.000 And she did eventually and she's like married and I think she's a kid and her life is good. 0.99

01:18:46.000 She really is a product of like it actually cleaned up that problem. 1.00

01:18:51.000 People can do it, man.

01:18:52.000 You can change. 0.99

01:18:53.000 It's just you gotta be fucking goddamn committed to staying on that track. 0.99

01:18:57.000 You almost have to become addicted to changing. 0.99

01:19:00.000 Yeah.

01:19:00.000 You know, you have to like get and it has to get ingrained in you so deeply after so long a time.

01:19:05.000 That it actually becomes your new way of thinking and your new behavior.

01:19:08.000 I mean, if you just go back and look at yourself, I mean, if I had to be myself at 21, I mean, I couldn't imagine if I had my 21-year-old brain today. 0.99

01:19:16.000 I would be fucking insane. 0.97

01:19:19.000 You know, I'd have nothing. 1.00

01:19:21.000 I would light the house on fire. 0.99

01:19:23.000 I would fucking drive my cars over cliffs. 0.99

01:19:24.000 I feel like last night what happened in my house, I had my 21-year-old brain there. 1.00

01:19:28.000 Yeah, you guys had some nutty-ass podcast on. 1.00

01:19:30.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:19:32.000 What was I going to ask you? 1.00

01:19:33.000 I'm afraid to go to my house.

01:19:34.000 So you never finished what happened to you in the most recent pot thing where you sent me a message.

01:19:40.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:19:41.000 I was in New Zealand, and I had smoked a few times.

01:19:46.000 Arch Barker and I are really good friends, and when we're in Australia, we go to his house, and we just...

01:19:50.000 And he's another guy that's huge in Australia.

01:19:53.000 He's like, in Australia, he's like Chris Rock is in America, right?

01:19:53.000 Massive.

01:19:56.000 Yes, yes.

01:19:57.000 Wow.

01:19:58.000 Like...

01:19:58.000 Like Dane Cook.

01:19:59.000 Yeah, that massive.

01:20:01.000 Like...

01:20:02.000 Crazy.

01:20:02.000 Sells every ticket he puts out.

01:20:04.000 I mean, I've heard of him in America. 1.00

01:20:05.000 He's funny as fuck. 0.97

01:20:06.000 But it's crazy that a guy catches on like that. 0.99

01:20:10.000 He's fucking hilarious. 0.98

01:20:12.000 And he was doing well in America. 0.99

01:20:14.000 He's on Flight of the Conchords.

01:20:15.000 You know, he's got a career here.

01:20:16.000 Yeah, it's not that he's doing bad, but he's a superstar over there.

01:20:19.000 He's a superstar there and he loves it.

01:20:21.000 And it's a great place.

01:20:22.000 So he splits his time there?

01:20:23.000 No, he's there now permanently.

01:20:25.000 Yeah.

01:20:25.000 Permanently?

01:20:26.000 It's so crazy he said, fuck it. 1.00

01:20:27.000 He bought this great house up in the middle of, like, it's out there. 1.00

01:20:31.000 Wow.

01:20:31.000 And he's got a farm, and he just loves it.

01:20:34.000 Now, you're huge in Australia, too, but you want to be over here more.

01:20:38.000 Yeah, I'd much rather be here.

01:20:39.000 Why is that?

01:20:40.000 Just, you know, I've got family here and stuff, and getting back the 15-hour flight's not easy.

01:20:45.000 It's brutal.

01:20:46.000 It is brutal. 1.00

01:20:47.000 They fucking crush you. 1.00

01:20:48.000 They crush your spirit, those flights. 1.00

01:20:50.000 I fly...

01:20:50.000 Three weeks, you.

01:20:51.000 Yeah, I go there in three weeks.

01:20:53.000 I'm going two.

01:20:54.000 Are you going to be in town that week?

01:20:56.000 I leave Sydney like the day you show up.

01:20:59.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:20:59.000 Shit, dude. 1.00

01:21:00.000 I could have hooked you up with some... 1.00

01:21:01.000 What day is your...

01:21:04.000 I got two shows because the first show sold out.

01:21:06.000 Are you at the N. Morgan?

01:21:08.000 I couldn't get in there.

01:21:08.000 No, no.

01:21:09.000 There was a band.

01:21:10.000 What happens is the UFC books their stuff kind of late in comparison to stand-up and concerts.

01:21:17.000 If you go to a concert venue, most concert venues are booked six months to a year out.

01:21:22.000 So for UFC, it's not that far out. 0.98

01:21:25.000 We haven't announced shit. 0.81

01:21:27.000 We got some shit announced right now that's in April, but there's still some stuff in March that's up in the air, and the May stuff's up in the air, and the June stuff is up in the air. 0.97

01:21:34.000 Some of them get confirmed, and some of them are still up in the air. 0.93

01:21:37.000 And the problem is, sometimes I don't find out until maybe the latest, the earliest, is three months out.

01:21:43.000 And three months out, it's tough to get a gig, because all the venues are booked on Friday and Saturday nights.

01:21:47.000 So it's Saturday night, I'm at Rudy Hill.

01:21:49.000 Wherever that is.

01:21:50.000 I know where that is.

01:21:51.000 Rudy Hill RSL club.

01:21:52.000 I know it.

01:21:52.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:21:53.000 It's supposed to be in a funky neighborhood.

01:21:54.000 I think you must be.

01:21:55.000 Is A-List promoting?

01:21:57.000 The same people that promoted the last time I saw.

01:21:59.000 Yeah, those are my guys.

01:22:00.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:22:01.000 They're great.

01:22:01.000 Yeah, same guys.

01:22:02.000 Yeah, you'll pack that place.

01:22:02.000 Cool guys.

01:22:03.000 Yeah, so the first one's already sold out and the second one's...

01:22:05.000 And by the way, if you want to go to Mandalay Bay this weekend, it's almost sold out.

01:22:08.000 Friday night at the Mandalay Bay Theater.

01:22:12.000 And there's going to be...

01:22:13.000 It's going to be Ari Shafir and Joe Diaz. 0.95

01:22:16.000 So it's going to be fucking crazy. 0.90

01:22:17.000 It's a big, giant place, but... 0.89

01:22:19.000 I've been pimping the tickets for a long time, so it's almost sold out.

01:22:23.000 So this is the place I'm doing in Sydney as the RSL club.

01:22:26.000 You ever working?

01:22:27.000 Yeah, I think I've been there.

01:22:28.000 Is it good?

01:22:28.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:22:29.000 It's an RSL. RSL is like their Retired Service League, which means it's like their Veterans Clubs.

01:22:35.000 Right.

01:22:35.000 And so it's like a VFW you're playing.

01:22:37.000 So how come people tell me to get the fuck out of the neighborhood? 1.00

01:22:39.000 You think you're like, fuck, I'm playing a VFW. But in that place, they'll have a big fucking... 1.00

01:22:45.000 It must be pretty big. 0.99

01:22:46.000 What's the capacity?

01:22:47.000 I think it's like 800. Yeah, they'll have this theater within there.

01:22:51.000 But in every little town...

01:22:54.000 They have these RSLs and it's where you go to drink cheap before you go out at night.

01:22:59.000 Right.

01:23:00.000 And they got pokey machines.

01:23:01.000 But why are they telling me to get out of town?

01:23:01.000 Yeah.

01:23:01.000 Italian club.

01:23:04.000 Because it's probably, are they saying it's a shitty neighborhood? 0.99

01:23:06.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:23:06.000 They're like, if you're going to party, don't party there. 0.95

01:23:08.000 Get the fuck out of there. 1.00

01:23:09.000 Get back into Sydney. 1.00

01:23:09.000 Is it creepy? 1.00

01:23:09.000 Why? 1.00

01:23:10.000 It's just a fucking suburb. 1.00

01:23:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:23:12.000 It's like playing like, you know, like if you were in Clifton.

01:23:15.000 New Jersey.

01:23:15.000 Where's Clifton?

01:23:16.000 And you're not...

01:23:16.000 Sometimes it's fun being in the suburbs, though.

01:23:19.000 Sometimes it's fun being in those weird fringe places.

01:23:21.000 Well, they've got...

01:23:22.000 You know, their rednecks are called Bogans. 1.00

01:23:24.000 Bogans. 0.66

01:23:25.000 So they're like Crocodile Dundee?

01:23:25.000 Bogans.

01:23:27.000 Is that a redneck? 0.92

01:23:28.000 No, they're more like... 1.00

01:23:31.000 They're guys that are into, like, Nitro Circus kind of shit. 1.00

01:23:33.000 They'd call them bogans. 0.99

01:23:35.000 What does that mean?

01:23:35.000 Nitro Circus?

01:23:36.000 Nitro Circus is that MTV show with Travis Pastrana. 1.00

01:23:41.000 The motorcycle jumping and all that fucking... 0.99

01:23:41.000 I've no idea. 0.99

01:23:44.000 So they're just, like, fucking, you know, guys that like to have fun in the fucking... 0.99

01:23:48.000 Yeah, they're... 1.00

01:23:48.000 Adventure Seekers. 1.00

01:23:49.000 A lot of guys in Australia fucking ride motorcycles and they drive utes, which are like pickup trucks. 1.00

01:23:54.000 Australia's a goddamn manly country. 1.00

01:23:56.000 Yeah, extremely. 1.00

01:23:58.000 Goddamn manly. 0.99

01:23:59.000 Is it the prison colony thing? 0.99

01:23:59.000 What is that about? 0.99

01:24:01.000 I think it has a lot to do with that.

01:24:03.000 It has to. 0.98

01:24:04.000 Fucking beautiful place, man. 0.99

01:24:05.000 Australia's so gorgeous. 1.00

01:24:07.000 And I surf down there and the surfers there just...

01:24:11.000 You crush American surf.

01:24:12.000 Really?

01:24:13.000 Every dude there, you think he's a pro.

01:24:16.000 You'll just go to some guy, like, hey, do you surf?

01:24:16.000 Really?

01:24:19.000 And he'll be like, yeah, yeah, do it a little.

01:24:21.000 And you want to go tomorrow?

01:24:22.000 You'll go the next day and be like, dude, you should be on tour.

01:24:25.000 Really? 0.99

01:24:26.000 Fucking all amazing. 0.98

01:24:28.000 Well, they love the UFC, man. 0.98

01:24:29.000 UFC sells out there in like 15 minutes time.

01:24:32.000 Every single time we've been there, we've been there twice, but every single time, it breaks records, sells out quicker than anything. 0.99

01:24:38.000 It's fucking nutty. 0.98

01:24:39.000 And they love George Sadiropoulos, their one guy. 0.99

01:24:41.000 They've got one famous Australian guy. 1.00

01:24:43.000 He's a fucking... 0.99

01:24:45.000 Yeah, he's a top contender right now in the UFC, too. 1.00

01:24:45.000 Greek dude. 1.00

01:24:48.000 Nicest fucking guy in the world. 1.00

01:24:49.000 But he's a perfect Aussie. 1.00

01:24:51.000 Just a fucking savage dude. 1.00

01:24:52.000 They have a real fucking, like, they call them blokes. 1.00

01:24:56.000 Like, a guy's a bloke, and they're very blokey, and women complain about it. 1.00

01:24:59.000 Like, in Sydney, I always say that, like, you can't even talk to a woman in a bar, because the guys have fucked them over so badly. 0.99

01:25:05.000 You'll go up there and be like, hi. 1.00

01:25:06.000 She'll be like, go fuck yourself, cunt. 1.00

01:25:08.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:25:09.000 No, what did I do?

01:25:10.000 And it's not what you did.

01:25:11.000 It's what the last 20 guys that dealt with or did.

01:25:13.000 So the girls are on the defensive because the guys just – it's all about your boys.

01:25:19.000 But don't they have a different attitude towards sex in Australia?

01:25:22.000 They're much more permissive, much more relaxed. 0.99

01:25:24.000 I would say they're Pretty much fucking everywhere in America. 0.98

01:25:27.000 That's one thing you don't realize about America. 0.99

01:25:29.000 Obviously, the Middle East is worse, unless you're a little boy. 1.00

01:25:32.000 But in the Middle East, they love to fuck little boys. 1.00

01:25:35.000 That's an awesome time for them. 1.00

01:25:36.000 But as far as European countries, we are so fucked up in comparison to them. 0.99

01:25:42.000 Our whole repression, all that shit, that doesn't exist over there. 0.99

01:25:47.000 In Argentina, South America, South America, they're super Well, I've heard, and I don't know how true this is. 0.99

01:25:53.000 It was a statistic in Jesus Camp.

01:25:57.000 Did you see that film?

01:25:58.000 It said two-thirds of America's born-again Christians.

01:25:58.000 Yes.

01:26:01.000 No.

01:26:02.000 That's what it said in the beginning of that film.

01:26:03.000 I don't think that's correct.

01:26:04.000 I think probably two-thirds of the people they talked to.

01:26:07.000 Or evangelical Christians.

01:26:09.000 You know, finding the numbers for 300 million people, that's so problematic.

01:26:15.000 Not only that, you've got to add in Mexicans, you know, because there's a lot of undocumented people in this country, and who knows how many it is.

01:26:21.000 I mean, I've heard millions and millions in California alone, so who knows how many it is nationwide.

01:26:25.000 So knowing how many people are actually Christians and evangelical Christians or people who believe the earth is less than 10,000 years old, you know. 0.99

01:26:35.000 It's the numbers or who the fuck knows what they are. 0.90

01:26:37.000 I've heard 51% believe the earth is less than 10,000 years old. 0.99

01:26:40.000 51% believe in a biblical version of the Bible. 1.00

01:26:44.000 It's fucked up. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Which, by the way, play that fucking clip. 1.00

01:26:47.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:26:47.000 I was going to say. 0.99

01:26:48.000 We have to play this clip.

01:26:48.000 God.

01:26:49.000 Bill O'Reilly, man. 1.00

01:26:51.000 Now, by the way, Bill O'Reilly went to fucking Harvard. 0.99

01:26:54.000 I think Bill O'Reilly's playing a character. 0.99

01:26:56.000 I think he's playing a character.

01:26:57.000 I think you might be right.

01:26:58.000 I'm almost positive. 1.00

01:26:59.000 I think he's very clever as to the kind of shit that he supports. 1.00

01:27:04.000 And the way he supports it is so asinine that it's almost like he's trolling. 1.00

01:27:09.000 It's almost like a subtle paradox. 0.97

01:27:10.000 Yeah, here's why I think that.

01:27:11.000 I used to do sports radio in New York City.

01:27:13.000 I was on WNEW, which is the station Opie and Anthony Ron and all that.

01:27:17.000 I was the morning show with this guy named Sid Rosenberg.

01:27:19.000 Sure, I know Sid Rosenberg.

01:27:21.000 I do his show in Miami all the time.

01:27:22.000 Okay, Sid's a sports expert. 0.99

01:27:23.000 I knew fucking nothing. 0.98

01:27:24.000 It was supposed to be like Love Lines, where he was the expert and I was the comedian. 0.99

01:27:28.000 Right. 0.99

01:27:29.000 And Sid wanted me to be an expert in sports, and I don't give a shit about what fucking guy's stats are. 0.99

01:27:35.000 So did he ask you to learn the stats? 0.99

01:27:37.000 No, but there was constant conflict between the two of us.

01:27:39.000 How long did you work there for?

01:27:40.000 Six months. 0.98

01:27:41.000 And I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. 0.98

01:27:42.000 So he was telling you, hey, read the sports book, read the pages. 0.97

01:27:44.000 And he'd be like, did you watch the game last night?

01:27:46.000 I'm like, no.

01:27:47.000 And he's like, why not? 0.94

01:27:48.000 I'm like, I didn't fucking want to. 0.97

01:27:49.000 And I'm like, just let me fucking be funny. 0.97

01:27:51.000 I'll be funny. 0.96

01:27:52.000 And he's like, but you gotta be funny about sports.

01:27:54.000 I'm like, no, I don't.

01:27:55.000 I just have to be funny.

01:27:57.000 Man, that always bugs me when I listen to sports radio.

01:27:59.000 And they're like...

01:28:00.000 How about McHenry with the play in the 9th?

01:28:03.000 Does he think that that's going to get his contract extension? 0.99

01:28:06.000 But it made me fucking like crazy. 0.76

01:28:10.000 Because I realized the only way you're going to get ratings and be interesting is I had to basically take on a character. 0.99

01:28:16.000 And I would sit there and criticize these athletes and these coaches that I didn't even watch the fucking game. 0.99

01:28:16.000 Right. 0.99

01:28:23.000 People love to do that, by the way. 1.00

01:28:24.000 I wouldn't even watch the game and I'd be like, Jim Fossil, he's a fucking pussy! 1.00

01:28:28.000 Did you see what he did last night? 1.00

01:28:29.000 Did you say fucking pussy? 1.00

01:28:30.000 No, no, I wouldn't say that. 1.00

01:28:30.000 But I'd be like, he's a pussy. 1.00

01:28:32.000 I said pussy. 1.00

01:28:33.000 I'd go, he's a pussy. 1.00

01:28:34.000 He's a pussy. 1.00

01:28:35.000 And the next thing you know, all his fans are calling, I'm going to kick your ass, man. 1.00

01:28:40.000 How could you say that? 1.00

01:28:42.000 And I would just try to incite people to create radio. 0.99

01:28:45.000 And I watch fucking Bill O'Reilly and I'm like... 1.00

01:28:49.000 He's doing the same shit. 1.00

01:28:50.000 There's no possible way. 1.00

01:28:52.000 He might be.

01:28:53.000 I definitely think he's playing towards his market.

01:28:56.000 He has a market. 0.77

01:28:57.000 And he's concocted this gigantic conglomeration of retards and old people that think that he makes sense. 1.00

01:29:03.000 But this is one of the most troll-like things that he's ever said. 0.93

01:29:07.000 Brian?

01:29:08.000 Check this out.

01:29:09.000 He's talking about the moon.

01:29:12.000 This is on BillOReilly.com.

01:29:14.000 You can find it on YouTube.

01:29:15.000 Backstage conversation.

01:29:17.000 Backstage with Bill O'Reilly.

01:29:19.000 David, Beverly Hills, Florida.

01:29:20.000 What do you mean when you refer to the tides, when you ask about the existence of God?

01:29:24.000 Science explains the tides, the moon's gravity pulls on the ocean.

01:29:27.000 Okay, how'd the moon get there?

01:29:29.000 How'd the moon get there?

01:29:31.000 Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate.

01:29:35.000 How'd the moon get there?

01:29:37.000 How'd the sun get there?

01:29:38.000 How'd it get there?

01:29:39.000 Can you explain that to me?

01:29:41.000 How come we have that, and Mars doesn't have it?

01:29:44.000 Venus doesn't have it. 0.99

01:29:45.000 How come?

01:29:46.000 Mars has two moons, by the way.

01:29:49.000 How'd it get here?

01:29:50.000 How did that little amoeba get here?

01:29:52.000 Crawl out there. 0.95

01:29:53.000 How'd it do it?

01:29:54.000 Come on.

01:29:56.000 You have order in this universe.

01:29:58.000 You have an order in the universe.

01:29:59.000 Tide comes in, tide goes out.

01:30:00.000 Okay, yeah, the moon does it.

01:30:02.000 Fine.

01:30:02.000 How'd the moon get there?

01:30:04.000 Who put it there?

01:30:05.000 Did it just happen?

01:30:07.000 Okay, if we have existence, if we have life on Earth, how come they don't have it on the other planets?

01:30:13.000 Were we just lucky?

01:30:14.000 Some meteor would do this?

01:30:16.000 Come on.

01:30:17.000 You know, I see this stuff as desperate.

01:30:20.000 Science is desperate.

01:30:22.000 It takes more faith to not believe and to think that this was all luck.

01:30:28.000 All this human body, the intricacies of it and everything else, all luck.

01:30:34.000 Than it does to believe in a deity.

01:30:37.000 Is there a possibility?

01:30:38.000 Two things I want you to do.

01:30:38.000 Two things I want you to do right now.

01:30:39.000 One, I want you to go look up Bill O'Reilly scandalous voicemails because he left a bunch of voicemails on his assistant's phone about rubbing her down with a loofah sponge and fucking all kinds of creepy shit and he wound up paying her off. 0.86

01:30:59.000 Don't you think that Bill O'Reilly's the kind of guy that really needs to get really high? 0.98

01:31:05.000 Yeah, he needs to do mushrooms. 0.99

01:31:06.000 And then he might go, holy shit, I take back almost everything I've ever said. 0.99

01:31:13.000 Yeah, for sure he would. 1.00

01:31:14.000 Because it would allow him a different perception that he probably has never entered into, if he does believe that shit. 0.99

01:31:20.000 But I don't know if he does or doesn't. 1.00

01:31:22.000 I think he does.

01:31:23.000 And this is why I think he does.

01:31:24.000 I think he does because he's got a tremendous ego.

01:31:27.000 And I think he's one of those guys that he's saying something all the time.

01:31:32.000 I don't think he would say something all the time unless he believed it.

01:31:36.000 This whole thing, I think he's definitely preaching to the choir.

01:31:40.000 And I definitely think he's trying to fit a mold and trying to appease his constituents, all the people that listen to his show.

01:31:47.000 But I think it can't be contrary to what he really believes.

01:31:51.000 Because he's got too big of an ego.

01:31:52.000 For him to be on TV talking about it all the time, eventually he'd implode.

01:31:56.000 He wouldn't be able to deal with that.

01:31:57.000 If he really did have an intelligent argument that was contrary to what we were saying, I don't think he would be saying it on the air.

01:32:03.000 I just think his ego is too big.

01:32:05.000 I don't think he's that genius.

01:32:06.000 He's not Andy Kaufman. 0.99

01:32:08.000 He's not some brilliant trickster that's fucking fooling the world. 0.96

01:32:11.000 I think these guys, they start playing a character and then they sort of like dice clay it. 0.98

01:32:16.000 They become the character.

01:32:17.000 Yeah.

01:32:18.000 What's that one dice clay?

01:32:19.000 Do you don't know the dice clay used to be Andrew Silverstein?

01:32:21.000 By the way, we're going to try to get dice in the podcast, too.

01:32:23.000 I'm not hating.

01:32:24.000 I love dice.

01:32:25.000 I had a great talk with dice the other day.

01:32:26.000 Dice's kid is doing comedy.

01:32:28.000 Dice's kid is 20.

01:32:29.000 And dice is so proud.

01:32:29.000 Wow.

01:32:30.000 And his kid is fucking killing. 1.00

01:32:32.000 His kids like learning. 1.00

01:32:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:32:33.000 And it's fucking great. 0.98

01:32:34.000 What's his name? 0.99

01:32:34.000 What's he go by? 0.99

01:32:35.000 What's his name, bro?

01:32:37.000 Was it Max?

01:32:38.000 Max?

01:32:38.000 Yeah, I think it was Max.

01:32:39.000 Is it Max Clay?

01:32:40.000 No, I don't think...

01:32:41.000 Does he go by Silverstein?

01:32:42.000 Anyway, he...

01:32:43.000 Oh, I've seen his name around.

01:32:44.000 Dice used to be Andrew Silverstein, and then he would...

01:32:48.000 The Diceman was like this character that he would do on stage, along with a bunch of other characters.

01:32:52.000 He would do like Stallone, and he would do De Niro.

01:32:55.000 He would do like all these characters, like all these impressions, and then Diceman was one of his characters.

01:32:59.000 Well, the Diceman just became his main character.

01:33:02.000 That became his thing he did on stage, and then it became him off stage.

01:33:05.000 And I think that happens to guys like Glenn Beck.

01:33:08.000 I think what happens is they start out with this character, and they start out, and then they get all these people, thank you, Mr. Beck, you make me so happy, and what you said about Jesus is so important to me and my family, and what you say about our troops is so important to me and our family. 0.99

01:33:21.000 And this guy is soaking in this love, and he's putting out a book every three days, this motherfucker. 0.97

01:33:26.000 And all of them are about what's wrong with the left and what's wrong with society and what's wrong with being godless and what's wrong with this. 0.99

01:33:32.000 And Sarah Palin's the only hope for our country. 0.99

01:33:35.000 And then they start fucking believing it, man. 0.98

01:33:37.000 Because the human ego, when you're the type of person that's really selling something and pitching something and getting all this adulation for it, if you're an egomaniac, which most people get into the public eye are, you know, most people that get into a position where they're like a guy like that, where they have an opinion. 0.99

01:33:52.000 Opinion show where they're on stage every day talking to people and broadcasting to millions.

01:33:56.000 They get all this love and fan mail.

01:33:58.000 It's very difficult to be objective about that.

01:34:00.000 It's very difficult to have a real honest way of looking at it.

01:34:04.000 You start looking at it the way they want you to look at it because this is where the love's coming from. 1.00

01:34:09.000 Beck turned into a fucking Mormon. 1.00

01:34:11.000 Okay, as an adult, as an adult, who by the way, obviously, look, you can say he's crazy, and I do, but that guy's got a high IQ. There's no question in my mind. 1.00

01:34:19.000 I guarantee you, if you sat that guy down, he's a 120 plus IQ. You know, he's a smart guy.

01:34:24.000 There's no way you can do that in freeball. 1.00

01:34:27.000 Because he's fucked up. 0.99

01:34:27.000 How do you get into Mormonism? 0.99

01:34:29.000 Look, the intelligence and balance are two totally different things.

01:34:34.000 I've met some brilliant people.

01:34:37.000 I don't want to say his name.

01:34:38.000 A guy who used to design my website. 0.99

01:34:40.000 Fucking brilliant, but completely insane and totally imbalanced. 0.99

01:34:45.000 I know a bunch of people like that. 0.99

01:34:46.000 That are really, really brilliant people.

01:34:49.000 But, I mean, mathematically brilliant, structurally brilliant, the way they can break down complex orders in society.

01:34:57.000 But their own life is just chaos.

01:35:00.000 So wait, you're saying Beck is brilliant?

01:35:02.000 Yes, I think he's absolutely brilliant. 1.00

01:35:03.000 Brilliant in being a cunt. 0.99

01:35:05.000 What he's doing, I think he's a brilliant guy. 1.00

01:35:07.000 Brilliant in manipulation.

01:35:08.000 Yeah, brilliant at manipulation, brilliant at acting, brilliant at playing a part, brilliant at becoming the perfect version of this guy that all these retards need. 1.00

01:35:17.000 Because I don't think it takes intelligence to be a manipulator.

01:35:19.000 What he's doing takes intelligence.

01:35:21.000 He's free-balling every day.

01:35:23.000 He's got a big screen and he's breaking things down.

01:35:26.000 And some of it makes sense. 0.98

01:35:28.000 It's like 20 or 30 percent of it I go, God damn it, I agree with Glenn Beck. 0.99

01:35:31.000 This is ridiculous. 0.97

01:35:33.000 But I think that those guys, when they get to that position where there's an extraordinary amount of success that they achieve in one certain area. 0.62

01:35:41.000 I mean, Glenn Beck's house is for sale in Connecticut. 0.99

01:35:43.000 And I looked at that shit online. 1.00

01:35:44.000 It's fucking giant. 1.00

01:35:46.000 And it's probably only for sale because you've got a bigger one. 1.00

01:35:48.000 You've got a bigger, crazier one.

01:35:49.000 That guy's selling...

01:35:50.000 Literally, every time I go to the bookstore, there's a new Glenn Beck book.

01:35:53.000 Nobody makes me feel lazier than Glenn Beck. 0.98

01:35:54.000 Because I've been writing this goddamn book for a year and I can't... 0.99

01:35:57.000 And Glenn Beck puts out one every 15 days. 1.00

01:35:59.000 It's fucking insane, you know?

01:36:01.000 But these guys, I really, truly believe, as a person who's been affected by fame and been affected, like, where I've had to look at my own behavior and analyze it, and, you know, that's one of the reasons why I really got into psychedelics and the isolation tank, is because I felt like there was an overwhelming influence that fame and the pursuit of fame has on a person, especially in Hollywood. 0.97

01:36:23.000 Where you're trying to make things happen.

01:36:25.000 Where you can lose yourself in this quest.

01:36:28.000 And I think it happens to a lot of people.

01:36:29.000 So I wanted to kind of analyze it in myself.

01:36:32.000 And it took a long time for me to get a hold of it.

01:36:35.000 From fear factor on, there was a long time in there where I was like, this is a crazy thing here.

01:36:41.000 How do you make sure that what you're doing is really what you want to be doing?

01:36:44.000 How do you know that what you're doing is not what you think people would like to hear from you or what you think you're going to say and do to get more work and to get more people to like you?

01:36:54.000 I mean, I've had conversations with really successful people where they say, you know, I can't do that because I'm this and that and my image is that and this.

01:37:01.000 And like, okay, you're not even doing you.

01:37:03.000 You're pretending to be something else just so that you can get more of the positive reaction that you've gotten.

01:37:08.000 That permeates into your real life.

01:37:10.000 But what if that's like...

01:37:13.000 I'm the kind of person I vacillate often.

01:37:14.000 I'll look at one thing and then I'll have a different opinion maybe a year later on how I felt about it.

01:37:19.000 That's called being intelligent.

01:37:21.000 And as a performer, as a comedian, my act's constantly changing.

01:37:26.000 Sometimes I can't do bits that I used to do because I've changed as a person.

01:37:29.000 I don't feel that way and I can't deliver them with truth. 0.95

01:37:32.000 And I'm like, that would suck to fucking be locked into a character. 0.93

01:37:36.000 It says we're off the air. 0.98

01:37:38.000 It says we're off the air. 0.98

01:37:40.000 Ustream keeps on fucking up, but it's on here. 0.97

01:37:42.000 It says we're on air. 0.99

01:37:43.000 So it's going off and on.

01:37:45.000 It's choppy for people.

01:37:46.000 But I can't get on right now.

01:37:48.000 You see it?

01:37:48.000 It's on.

01:37:49.000 Yeah, it's on.

01:37:51.000 You see it online?

01:37:52.000 We have 13, 17 viewers.

01:37:52.000 What do you see online?

01:37:55.000 It's broadcasting.

01:37:56.000 It's recording.

01:37:56.000 See if you can see it on a browser.

01:37:59.000 Anyways, who cares?

01:38:01.000 We're talking about...

01:38:02.000 I accidentally unclicked it and I can't get back to it.

01:38:06.000 Sorry, go ahead.

01:38:08.000 The ability to change and to get locked into that character would be terrifying for me.

01:38:16.000 I'm a control freak.

01:38:17.000 And if that's where your income...

01:38:19.000 And I don't have the... 0.97

01:38:20.000 I'm lucky enough that I don't have a wife and kids, but imagine if you got into that where then you've got a house and mortgages and schools and you've bought into this character and all of a sudden you've changed as a character and you're like, fuck, I'm not that guy anymore. 0.94

01:38:32.000 I don't feel that way. 0.97

01:38:33.000 I've changed my way of thinking, but fuck, I've got to still do that because people do change. 0.99

01:38:38.000 People either become more conservative as they get older or start to realize shit. 0.99

01:38:42.000 I've become more liberal as I get older. 0.98

01:38:45.000 Yeah, well, I think as you become more intelligent, you realize that there's a lot more to things than people like to think.

01:38:45.000 Yeah.

01:38:53.000 Everybody likes to think it's black and white.

01:38:55.000 I have a lot of conservative ideas, a lot of them, about gun control, about taxes, about a lot of different things.

01:39:01.000 But I also have a lot of liberal points of view, too, especially when it comes to...

01:39:05.000 Things like gay marriage.

01:39:07.000 That, to me, is one of the most frustrating things when I see people get upset about gay marriage. 0.99

01:39:11.000 As if it somehow or another fucking affects you of two guys who obviously want to be gay. 0.99

01:39:16.000 No one's got a gun to their head. 1.00

01:39:18.000 No one's saying, if you're not gay, I'm fucking killing your family. 1.00

01:39:20.000 No one's doing that. 1.00

01:39:21.000 They just want to be gay. 1.00

01:39:22.000 I find the people that are afraid of... 1.00

01:39:24.000 Bro, this shit is offline, man. 1.00

01:39:26.000 It's on. 1.00

01:39:27.000 But I can't get on.

01:39:28.000 I know.

01:39:28.000 Ustream has some problems, man.

01:39:32.000 When you're trying to get on it, you have to refresh it a few times.

01:39:34.000 Whatever.

01:39:34.000 It's on, though, so don't worry about it.

01:39:36.000 I walked out of the – actually, it was when I worked with you down in Tampa.

01:39:36.000 That's crazy.

01:39:42.000 Or I was doing the early – and then you did like Friday night and you came in at the Tampa Improv.

01:39:47.000 I came out like my first night.

01:39:49.000 It was like a Wednesday or something.

01:39:51.000 And there are these guys out in the street holding up signs. 1.00

01:39:55.000 And it was like almost like that church from Nebraska or wherever, those crazy fuckers that protest funerals. 1.00

01:40:00.000 Oh, the God Hates Fags guy? 1.00

01:40:01.000 And they were holding up signs that God hates fags and blah, blah, blah. 0.99

01:40:05.000 And I just walked out. 0.99

01:40:06.000 So the audience is out there with me. 1.00

01:40:08.000 And I thought, I'm just going to fuck with these people. 0.99

01:40:09.000 And I went up to this kid and I'm like, how old are you? 1.00

01:40:12.000 And he's like, I'm 16 years old.

01:40:13.000 I'm like, you're 16?

01:40:15.000 Dude, go to an arcade.

01:40:16.000 Go try to get laid. 1.00

01:40:17.000 Go fucking have a life. 1.00

01:40:19.000 The fuck's wrong with your parents? 1.00

01:40:20.000 Don't listen to your parents. 1.00

01:40:21.000 They're assholes. 1.00

01:40:22.000 And I'm making everybody laugh, just making fun of this kid. 1.00

01:40:24.000 But then some older guy starts yelling at me.

01:40:26.000 And I go, dude, stop. 1.00

01:40:28.000 You want to cock in your ass so badly. 1.00

01:40:33.000 That you're here right now because you hate yourself. 1.00

01:40:36.000 I'm like, you want to make it easy? 1.00

01:40:38.000 Just go suck a cock. 1.00

01:40:40.000 It's going to change your whole life. 1.00

01:40:41.000 You're out here, you're doing this shit because you're a homo and you just don't want to admit it. 1.00

01:40:46.000 I'm like, leave them the fuck alone and go join them. 1.00

01:40:49.000 You're deep down, you know you're gay. 1.00

01:40:51.000 And he's like, you're the devil, you're the devil, you're here to... 1.00

01:40:54.000 And I'm like, no, I'm here to help you, dude. 1.00

01:40:56.000 Go fucking suck a cock. 1.00

01:40:58.000 It's going to change your life. 1.00

01:41:00.000 I'm not joking.

01:41:01.000 The next night I walk out, it's the atheists holding up signs going, you know, there is no God and God is bad and God created, you know, there's death involved. 1.00

01:41:10.000 And I go up to them and I go, you're just fucking bad. 1.00

01:41:14.000 Just fucking shut up and go fucking have a beer somewhere. 1.00

01:41:18.000 Why are you out here with the fuck? 1.00

01:41:20.000 You've got your own religion of atheism. 1.00

01:41:22.000 Like, I get it.

01:41:24.000 I get your belief. 0.98

01:41:25.000 You know, I don't believe in any kind of fucking order or anything. 0.96

01:41:29.000 I don't know what I believe. 0.98

01:41:30.000 But...

01:41:31.000 Go away.

01:41:32.000 Right. 1.00

01:41:33.000 Fucking stop your religion of trying to get people to join. 1.00

01:41:35.000 Yeah, people want to believe anything, whether it's they want to believe in Republicans, they want to believe in God, they want to believe in no God. 1.00

01:41:41.000 I've had arguments with atheists where it's so ridiculous, you know, like they're saying, science disproves the existence of God.

01:41:48.000 Like, no, it doesn't. 0.78

01:41:49.000 Science doesn't disprove anything.

01:41:51.000 What science does is it shows its, well, first of all, statistics and things that can be measured.

01:41:55.000 You know, how can you measure what happens in the afterlife?

01:41:58.000 That's nonsense.

01:41:59.000 How can you measure what happened, you know, what the birth of the universe is?

01:42:02.000 And how do you...

01:42:03.000 I mean, how do we not know that there's something that's far more...

01:42:05.000 I mean, I'm not saying that there's a guy in the clouds with a harp. 0.91

01:42:08.000 But what I am saying is that after smoking DMT seven times and doing mushrooms all the times I've done and all the times in the isolation tank, I've seen shit way crazier than a dude with a harp in the clouds, okay? 0.95

01:42:20.000 And I've seen it many, many, many times. 0.98

01:42:22.000 I think that... 1.00

01:42:24.000 The idea that you can tell me what does and doesn't exist is fucking ridiculous. 0.99

01:42:28.000 Yeah, I cannot believe people actually try to do that. 0.98

01:42:30.000 I'm like, how do we know that we're here right now?

01:42:33.000 Or that we're, you know, there could be something so complex.

01:42:37.000 I always tell people when they go, what's your belief on God?

01:42:39.000 I go, when my dog...

01:42:44.000 can't comprehend the operating system.

01:42:46.000 She does not have the capability.

01:42:49.000 And I believe that as humans, that's how we are with the universe. 1.00

01:42:52.000 We don't have the fucking capability. 0.99

01:42:55.000 We might be the most intelligent species, but we're not intelligent enough to understand something that's so fucking-- It's like being the baddest worm. 1.00

01:43:03.000 This worm is so smart. 0.99

01:43:05.000 Look, it knows how to get around this pebble. 1.00

01:43:07.000 You know, it's really ridiculous. 0.77

01:43:09.000 The idea that we can figure it out. 0.97

01:43:10.000 I mean, this is complete and total stoner talk. 0.99

01:43:12.000 But the idea that we can figure out the fucking universe, you know. 0.98

01:43:16.000 Did you find the Bill O'Reilly stuff? 0.94

01:43:18.000 No, it's not on there.

01:43:19.000 It's not a video, bro.

01:43:20.000 It's not a video.

01:43:21.000 It's an audio, right?

01:43:22.000 Well, I think they just transcribed it.

01:43:24.000 I saw it on Washington Post and stuff.

01:43:26.000 It just kind of talked about it.

01:43:28.000 Did they have the transcriptions though?

01:43:29.000 No.

01:43:30.000 Hey, I want to change the subject first.

01:43:31.000 Did you have Bobby Lee on here yesterday? 0.61

01:43:33.000 Did he get naked for you? 0.90

01:43:33.000 Yeah. 0.90

01:43:34.000 Two days ago.

01:43:35.000 He got on our podcast and we could not get him to keep his clothes on.

01:43:39.000 Really? 1.00

01:43:39.000 Yeah, he was just fucking rubbing his dick on everything. 1.00

01:43:42.000 He is so fucking funny. 1.00

01:43:42.000 Wow. 1.00

01:43:43.000 He was much more sedate.

01:43:45.000 I don't know what you guys fed him over there. 0.99

01:43:48.000 I think he was, you know, fucking... 0.98

01:43:50.000 Have you ever told your story that you did at the Storyteller anywhere else other than that show? 0.99

01:43:55.000 No, that was the first time I ever told it.

01:43:57.000 What story is that?

01:43:58.000 The whole time you, the urban...

01:44:01.000 Oh, the black show?

01:44:02.000 Yeah.

01:44:03.000 You want to tell that story?

01:44:04.000 I'm not afraid.

01:44:05.000 I mean, it's not racist on my part.

01:44:07.000 No, it's not.

01:44:08.000 You just took a chance.

01:44:08.000 It's hilarious.

01:44:09.000 Yeah, I went to SUNY, it was called SUNY Farmingdale.

01:44:13.000 It was at State University of New York in Farmingdale, Long Island.

01:44:16.000 And my manager at the time, I think I'd only been doing comedy maybe three years.

01:44:20.000 Three or four at the most.

01:44:22.000 I was in New York City.

01:44:23.000 And my manager at the time, Jason Steinberg.

01:44:26.000 Yes.

01:44:26.000 Do you know Jason?

01:44:27.000 Jason, and I'm only telling his name because I want to burn him on this.

01:44:31.000 Okay.

01:44:32.000 Jason, at the time, had mostly black comics.

01:44:35.000 And all his comics were like Def Jam and doing really well.

01:44:39.000 Like some great, great comics.

01:44:41.000 He represented a lot of really good guys.

01:44:44.000 Tony Woods, Greer Barnes, all these guys were doing really well at the time and were big in that.

01:44:49.000 So he was always booking these events for black shows.

01:44:52.000 And I'm begging for work because I don't have any work at the time.

01:44:56.000 And I hear him.

01:44:57.000 I'm in his office.

01:44:58.000 I hear him go, oh...

01:44:59.000 Oh yeah, so you need a comic.

01:45:01.000 And it's not a Def Jam show, right?

01:45:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:45:03.000 You sure?

01:45:04.000 Yeah, okay.

01:45:05.000 I think I got the guy.

01:45:06.000 500 bucks?

01:45:07.000 And I'm like, 500 bucks? 1.00

01:45:09.000 Fuck, that's the most I've ever gotten paid for a gig. 1.00

01:45:11.000 And I was like, I want this fucking gig. 1.00

01:45:14.000 And he goes, alright, you're going out to SUNY Farmingdale. 0.99

01:45:17.000 The train takes you right out there.

01:45:19.000 It'll be like a $10 train ride.

01:45:21.000 He's like, you're the intermission of an auction.

01:45:24.000 And I'm like, what?

01:45:25.000 And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:45:26.000 Traditionally, this is like an urban room, but it's just this auction.

01:45:29.000 It's going to be like alumni and stuff.

01:45:31.000 And I'm like, all right.

01:45:33.000 I go out there.

01:45:34.000 On the way out, Tony Woods.

01:45:36.000 Do you know Tony Woods?

01:45:36.000 Sure, I know Tony.

01:45:37.000 Tony and I are sharing the subway.

01:45:38.000 He's a really good friend of mine.

01:45:39.000 He's going, dog. 1.00

01:45:41.000 Don't fucking go, dog. 1.00

01:45:42.000 They beat up Ralph Harris. 1.00

01:45:44.000 They beat him up on stage.

01:45:46.000 And I'm like, what? 0.99

01:45:47.000 He's like, they're gonna kill you. 1.00

01:45:49.000 Goddamn. 1.00

01:45:50.000 He's like, dog, don't go. 1.00

01:45:51.000 So why didn't you listen?

01:45:52.000 It's 500 bucks.

01:45:53.000 So I go, no, but it's an auction.

01:45:54.000 It's different.

01:45:55.000 I'm in the intermission.

01:45:56.000 It's an alumni thing.

01:45:57.000 Right.

01:45:57.000 So I go.

01:45:58.000 I get there.

01:45:59.000 I see the line of people waiting to go in.

01:46:01.000 And it's not just an urban show. 1.00

01:46:02.000 This is fucking, like... 0.99

01:46:05.000 Urban. 1.00

01:46:05.000 Tony told me, he goes, dude, bro, he goes, they're Caribbean black. 1.00

01:46:10.000 He's like, Caribbean black are the guys that, they kill me because I'm American black. 1.00

01:46:14.000 He's like, they're going to fuck you up. 1.00

01:46:16.000 And I'm like, no, no, no. 1.00

01:46:17.000 He's like, trust me.

01:46:18.000 So I see the line of guys going in.

01:46:20.000 Everybody's going on FUBU, you know, like jerseys and Timberlands.

01:46:25.000 Every single dude in the crowd, baggy jeans.

01:46:27.000 By the way, FUBU stands for...

01:46:29.000 For us, by us.

01:46:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:30.000 And I'm like, fuck. 1.00

01:46:32.000 Which is, you know... 1.00

01:46:33.000 Kind of like separatist as it is.

01:46:36.000 It's pretty funny when Joey Diaz wears that shirt.

01:46:39.000 So I go, this is how long ago this was.

01:46:41.000 I go to the payphone.

01:46:43.000 And I page Jason Steinberg and he calls me on the payphone. 0.98

01:46:46.000 And I go, Jason, I'm fucking out of here. 0.85

01:46:49.000 And he goes, you're fine. 0.99

01:46:49.000 I'm out of here. 0.99

01:46:51.000 You're fine.

01:46:51.000 Just be funny.

01:46:52.000 I'm like, no, this doesn't look good.

01:46:53.000 He goes, no, you're going to be fine.

01:46:55.000 So I go into the auditorium.

01:46:57.000 Security goes, what are you doing?

01:46:58.000 I go, I'm the comedian. 1.00

01:47:00.000 Security goes, fuck, you're the comedian? 1.00

01:47:02.000 I quit! 1.00

01:47:04.000 He goes, I'm out of here.

01:47:05.000 I'm out of here.

01:47:06.000 Because he knows what's going to happen.

01:47:08.000 So the security guy saw you.

01:47:09.000 Is it a black guy that was a security guy?

01:47:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:47:11.000 So he just says, fuck this? 1.00

01:47:12.000 Was he serious? 1.00

01:47:13.000 He was totally serious.

01:47:14.000 They call this gig the little Apollo.

01:47:16.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:47:17.000 And so I'm like, fuck. 1.00

01:47:19.000 So I go back to the phone. 1.00

01:47:20.000 I call Jason again.

01:47:21.000 I'm leaving.

01:47:21.000 I go, Jason, I'm leaving.

01:47:22.000 I'm just not doing anything.

01:47:23.000 I'm going to die.

01:47:24.000 He's like, Eddie, you're funny.

01:47:26.000 He's like, just get up there and do what you do.

01:47:28.000 And I'm like...

01:47:30.000 So I'm so nervous.

01:47:32.000 You know when you're so nervous.

01:47:33.000 There's no chance of you doing well.

01:47:35.000 It's awkward.

01:47:35.000 Right.

01:47:36.000 So I go down and the emcee goes, what do you want to come out to?

01:47:40.000 I had never come out to music before.

01:47:43.000 I'm like, what do you mean?

01:47:44.000 You got any Led Zeppelin?

01:47:46.000 I was like, Freebird? 1.00

01:47:47.000 You know, like, what the fuck? 0.99

01:47:49.000 My name is Michael Alvinickel. 0.99

01:47:51.000 I'm like, Puff the Magic Dragon. 0.97

01:47:54.000 I don't fucking know what. 0.93

01:47:55.000 And they've got a DJ on the side. 1.00

01:47:57.000 And I'm like, fuck. 1.00

01:47:59.000 So what'd you come out to? 0.99

01:48:00.000 Well, I don't follow any rap music at all, especially at that time.

01:48:04.000 I came from a place called Fox Chapel. 0.99

01:48:06.000 I would come out to fuck the police. 1.00

01:48:07.000 I didn't know what that... 1.00

01:48:09.000 And at the time...

01:48:11.000 I wouldn't. 0.95

01:48:12.000 I had this shitty Knight Rider joke. 0.99

01:48:14.000 I had this shitty Knight Rider joke about how Kit was gay. 1.00

01:48:18.000 It was a gay car. 0.99

01:48:20.000 Ellen at the time was coming out. 0.74

01:48:23.000 And I go, she's not the first gay character.

01:48:24.000 Kit from Knight Rider was gay.

01:48:26.000 And he's like, Michael, Michael, I'm going to pick you up in a minute.

01:48:31.000 And so I was like, I'll do the Kit joke and I'll come out to the Knight Rider rap song.

01:48:36.000 By the way, Kit...

01:48:37.000 R. Kelly the Zoo. 1.00

01:48:38.000 Get that, pull that shit up. 1.00

01:48:39.000 After this? 1.00

01:48:40.000 Yeah, after this.

01:48:41.000 Let's not play audio.

01:48:42.000 I don't know, we'll edit it out later.

01:48:43.000 We need this.

01:48:45.000 Just pull it up on the side.

01:48:45.000 Just trust me.

01:48:46.000 So I go backstage and what they're doing is they're auctioning off dates with students from the school to raise money.

01:48:55.000 Girls and guys.

01:48:57.000 A guy will come out and all the dudes are backstage.

01:49:02.000 Lifting, pumping up, doing push-ups, and they've got dumbbells, so they're getting a pump, and they're putting baby oil all over their bodies and taking their shirts off. 0.98

01:49:10.000 And they're black as tar. 0.99

01:49:13.000 Everyone's ignoring me, like, what the fuck are you doing back here? 0.99

01:49:18.000 And I swear to God, I grab one of the bottles of rum that they're drinking, and I just start chugging rum, because I'm terrified. 0.99

01:49:26.000 So I just start sculling down this rum. 0.98

01:49:30.000 I saw one chick there, the one white chick, and I'm like, she's really fucking hot. 0.99

01:49:36.000 So they're auctioning dates with the guys and the girls. 0.98

01:49:38.000 The guys will come out, they'll just like flex, and everybody will bid, and then the girls will come out and do like a striptease act. 1.00

01:49:44.000 They'll bring a guy out, put him in a chair, and grind on him, and do like a lap dance. 1.00

01:49:48.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:49:49.000 Pour whipped cream and do all this shit, you know, and they'll go crazy. 1.00

01:49:52.000 They get dinner at Puff Daddy's restaurant. 1.00

01:49:52.000 But they're bidding. 1.00

01:49:55.000 P. Diddy had a restaurant in New York.

01:49:56.000 They get dinner at his place.

01:49:58.000 They get a limo ride to New York and a Broadway show if they win the date.

01:50:02.000 And they're bidding, and I swear to God, dates are going for like $7.

01:50:05.000 Wow.

01:50:06.000 I'm watching, do I hear five?

01:50:10.000 No way.

01:50:12.000 Sold!

01:50:12.000 Could you bid?

01:50:13.000 Could you bid?

01:50:13.000 No, no.

01:50:14.000 And I'm looking at the hot fucking white chick going, I want to bid. 1.00

01:50:17.000 Well, backstage, this... 0.99

01:50:19.000 And she has to go out on a date with the guy?

01:50:20.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:50:21.000 The guy's just disgusting. 0.97

01:50:22.000 Well, this is where it gets creepy. 0.99

01:50:25.000 So the finale, I'm going to be the intermission, then the finale is this black stripper. 0.94

01:50:30.000 And she comes up to me and she's like, hey, you're the comedian? 0.60

01:50:32.000 I'm like, yeah.

01:50:33.000 She's like, my name's Heaven.

01:50:34.000 And I'm like, hey, Heaven.

01:50:35.000 That's awesome.

01:50:36.000 And so we start talking.

01:50:36.000 And she's hot.

01:50:37.000 She goes, you're going to stick around and bid on me?

01:50:39.000 And I'm like, and she thinks I'm like this professional, you know, rich comedian and I'm going to be able to bid a lot of money on her.

01:50:46.000 Right.

01:50:47.000 Is that because you told her that?

01:50:48.000 I don't know.

01:50:49.000 I'm like, I can't think about her.

01:50:51.000 She starts talking to me.

01:50:52.000 Just let me get a little taste.

01:50:54.000 I actually said to her, get away from me. 1.00

01:50:55.000 Because I was so scared.

01:50:57.000 Because all the guys were checking her out.

01:50:58.000 And I'm like, I just don't want any problems here. 0.97

01:51:00.000 So you thought you were going to get problems because you were talking to the black chick in front of black guys. 1.00

01:51:03.000 And they're giving you the mad dog look? 0.99

01:51:03.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:51:05.000 So I'm just like, I'm just gonna fuck you. 1.00

01:51:07.000 So has anybody said anything to you? 1.00

01:51:08.000 No one.

01:51:08.000 Any guys?

01:51:09.000 So it's just white fear?

01:51:10.000 Yeah, totally.

01:51:11.000 No one's been negative to you?

01:51:12.000 You gotta understand, I grew up in a place where there was like, my high school probably had like one black guy, and his last name was Huxtable.

01:51:19.000 And I ran track all through college, and I was a sprinter, but I was separate.

01:51:24.000 I hung out with my white friends, and I wasn't. 0.77

01:51:28.000 So when I moved to New York and I started to become friends with all the black comics, it was like a total new world for me. 0.99

01:51:33.000 But this was like putting me in...

01:51:35.000 I was out of my comfort zone.

01:51:37.000 So what's your opening line?

01:51:39.000 My opening line, I miss my cue to go out.

01:51:43.000 And they're yelling for me.

01:51:45.000 Oh, God.

01:51:46.000 And I've rewritten all my jokes, you know, when you do that.

01:51:48.000 I was rewrecked.

01:51:50.000 This is not good.

01:51:50.000 Edit them.

01:51:51.000 I'm not confident in this.

01:51:52.000 And I, like, stumble, almost trip onto stage, and they're all ready.

01:51:56.000 The MC had been going, where my dog's at?

01:51:58.000 And guys were, woo, woo, woo.

01:51:59.000 And they're running to the front of the stage when he does it and all putting their hands up in the air.

01:52:03.000 And I come out and I go, hey, uh...

01:52:06.000 Oh, what happened before I came out?

01:52:08.000 They auction off the white chick. 0.83

01:52:10.000 Right.

01:52:11.000 The bidding goes up to, like, $350.

01:52:15.000 Wow. 1.00

01:52:16.000 And every black chick in the place is about to fucking rush the stage. 1.00

01:52:21.000 And I'm like, there's going to be a riot in here. 1.00

01:52:23.000 And I'm like the other white guy, so I'm going down with her. 0.98

01:52:27.000 What are the black girls saying? 1.00

01:52:28.000 They're pissed off. 1.00

01:52:30.000 They're screaming.

01:52:31.000 And they're going, you know, do I hear...

01:52:33.000 And so, intermission happens, they call me out, and I think my opening line, I think I said something about there going to be a riot when they were bidding on the white chick. 0.80

01:52:43.000 And I go, you know, I was like, and I get a little bit of a laugh, and there was some creepy dude that was, like an older dude who was bidding.

01:52:52.000 White guy or black guy? 0.90

01:52:52.000 A black guy that I said was like a pedophile, and they kind of laughed at that. 0.90

01:52:56.000 And then I said, you guys, what are you doing with auctions? 0.98

01:52:58.000 Didn't you learn your lesson with auction years ago?

01:53:02.000 And I think it's kind of funny.

01:53:03.000 And I think I'm going to get a laugh.

01:53:05.000 Kind of like, oh, he's an insult.

01:53:08.000 And I hear like a, ooh.

01:53:10.000 And all of a sudden another, ooh.

01:53:12.000 And I wasn't quick enough to keep going.

01:53:15.000 So you paused.

01:53:16.000 I paused.

01:53:17.000 And you let them just leap up. 1.00

01:53:18.000 When the booze started building, it was like a wave of booing to where it started to like, get this motherfucker off the stage! 1.00

01:53:25.000 And people start throwing shit, and I swear to God, I hear, get that fucking, wait, get your white motherfucking ass off the stage before I kick your white motherfucking ass. 1.00

01:53:35.000 And I'm like standing there, and I'm kind of like in this, like all of a sudden I get hit in the head with a cup, a crumpled up Coke cup, and it pisses me off. 1.00

01:53:44.000 And I go, who the fuck threw that? 0.97

01:53:46.000 And I don't know why, but you know, you get that rage. 1.00

01:53:48.000 And it's like all this shit's happening to me. 0.99

01:53:50.000 I'm like a dog that's been kicked so much, I just start biting everyone. 1.00

01:53:53.000 I go, who the fuck? 1.00

01:53:54.000 Who the fuck threw that? 1.00

01:53:56.000 And some guy goes, I did. 1.00

01:53:57.000 I go, fuck you, you want to throw something? 1.00

01:53:59.000 Come on, fucking throw something at me. 1.00

01:54:00.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

01:54:01.000 The kid starts running towards the stage. 1.00

01:54:03.000 And there are fold-out chairs in the front.

01:54:05.000 He picks one of them up and throws it on the stage.

01:54:07.000 And I'm like... 0.99

01:54:09.000 At that moment, I go, I'm going to fucking die. 0.98

01:54:12.000 And they're pulling cushioning out of the seats and throwing it at me, and they're booing so loud. 0.98

01:54:17.000 Now, here's what's hilarious about Eddie Ift.

01:54:19.000 This is what he says to me when he tells me this story at the beginning of the day.

01:54:22.000 He goes, now, if it happened today, I'd totally be able to be fine with it.

01:54:27.000 He's like, I'd totally be able to make it funny.

01:54:30.000 Comedians always want to think that I have some ruthless bombs in my past, and I have gone over these bombings and said, man, if I could just go back and redo it.

01:54:40.000 There was one time I bombed after Jim Brewer.

01:54:42.000 It was the worst bomb of my entire career.

01:54:44.000 It was devastation.

01:54:45.000 I think I've talked about this before.

01:54:46.000 I don't know if I talked about it on the podcast, did I? Yeah, I think so.

01:54:49.000 Brewer, we worked together all weekend, and I could barely follow him.

01:54:52.000 You know, this is like, I'd only been doing comedy maybe three years, maybe three or four years, and he was just too strong to be a middle, and I really wasn't a headliner.

01:55:00.000 I was a fake headliner.

01:55:01.000 I could do 45 minutes, but I had to tell my joke slow.

01:55:04.000 You know what I mean?

01:55:05.000 I couldn't, you know, so like...

01:55:06.000 When he was on stage, Brewer used to do this bit about going home, and he was hammered, and his mother turned into a demon, and it was really loud and really animated.

01:55:15.000 You know how sometimes a dude just gets in the zone, and Brewer used to get in these crazy zones, man. 1.00

01:55:21.000 I used to really enjoy watching him perform, because just his physical performance, his presence on stage, Fuck! 0.99

01:55:30.000 He just would nail it. 1.00

01:55:31.000 And this was one time, man.

01:55:33.000 We had been doing all weekend, so we'd done two shows Friday, one show Saturday, this was a late show Saturday, and Brewer just knocks it out of the park. 0.96

01:55:39.000 And there was a bunch of shit going wrong in my life at the time. 0.84

01:55:42.000 One, I had just torn my ACL. So for the first time in my life, I couldn't work out. 0.97

01:55:46.000 I had never not worked out.

01:55:48.000 So I had all this tension that I didn't know how to deal with.

01:55:51.000 You know, like for me, my whole body from the time I was like, you know, 14 years old to the time I was, this would happen when I was 22 or 23, my body had been designed just to fucking, to constantly be working, constantly be exerting all this energy, whether it was in kickboxing or wrestling or something, there was like this constant, and that was the only way I coped with stress.

01:56:12.000 That was gone, okay?

01:56:13.000 And I had moved from New York to Boston, so no ACL. It blows out.

01:56:17.000 Moved to New York or from Boston to New York.

01:56:19.000 I have no friends.

01:56:20.000 I don't know anybody there.

01:56:20.000 I'm living with my grandfather and my grandmother.

01:56:22.000 My grandmother was dying of an aneurysm.

01:56:24.000 She had an aneurysm.

01:56:25.000 They gave her 72 hours to live.

01:56:26.000 She lived for 12 years.

01:56:28.000 And I'm staying in their old house that they bought in 1945 in Newark, New Jersey, which is now in a war zone.

01:56:34.000 I mean, while I'm there, the next door neighbor's door gets broken down with a battering ram.

01:56:38.000 They arrest him for selling crack.

01:56:39.000 I mean, no joke, man.

01:56:41.000 It was a scary, scary neighborhood.

01:56:42.000 It used to be an Italian neighborhood, then it went just total chaos.

01:56:46.000 So I'm staying in the house, and Grandma, like, she...

01:56:49.000 She died.

01:56:50.000 Both of them are dead now.

01:56:51.000 But back then, she couldn't move.

01:56:54.000 She was completely paralyzed.

01:56:55.000 She would get bed sores.

01:56:56.000 And she could feel some things.

01:56:58.000 And sometimes she would just let out these soul...

01:57:02.000 Almost like she was emptying herself of the pain.

01:57:07.000 And the only way to do it was to let out this horrible screech.

01:57:11.000 So I'd be in the house.

01:57:12.000 And I'd be wandering around.

01:57:14.000 Maybe I'd go to the kitchen and grab something to eat.

01:57:15.000 And I'd hear...

01:57:20.000 It was like an animal, like a wounded animal.

01:57:23.000 She couldn't die.

01:57:24.000 She, like, was so resilient. 0.99

01:57:26.000 She had those Italian peasant genes, and she was just so fucked up, but yet she hung in there for, like, 12 years. 1.00

01:57:31.000 So I'm living in this house, right? 0.96

01:57:33.000 And I just broke it up with my girlfriend and my manager, God bless him, great guy, but it was back in the day where we talked about, like, when you're not doing so well, then everybody has advice for you.

01:57:41.000 And his advice was, you should dress nice.

01:57:44.000 Like, You know, you're a good looking guy.

01:57:46.000 You should dress nice on stage. 1.00

01:57:47.000 So my stupid ass, I'm wearing these like nice pants and a nice belt and like a club shirt that you would go out clubbing. 1.00

01:57:54.000 And I had a nice head of hair back then. 1.00

01:57:56.000 It was delicious. 0.99

01:57:56.000 And I'm wearing shiny shoes and shit. 0.99

01:57:59.000 And I just look like the fucking biggest asshole. 1.00

01:58:03.000 I just look like some club shithead, some goofy Italian cunt that's 22 years old that doesn't know anything about the world, right? 1.00

01:58:10.000 And I'm on stage, and I am panicking. 0.99

01:58:13.000 I remember Brewer got off stage, and the MC was about to bring me up, and I was off stage when Brewer came up.

01:58:18.000 And I remember he said, hey, have fun up there.

01:58:20.000 Have fun. 0.99

01:58:21.000 And I go, I'm going to fucking eat it. 1.00

01:58:21.000 They're great. 1.00

01:58:23.000 I remember saying it to him, like, dude, I'm not fucking confident right now.

01:58:26.000 I'm not feeling good right now.

01:58:27.000 Oh, you'll be fine.

01:58:27.000 You'll be fine.

01:58:28.000 And I just was not prepared.

01:58:30.000 I just went up there, and I went into flames.

01:58:32.000 Just went into flames.

01:58:33.000 One girl, I remember a girl in the audience, she goes... 0.98

01:58:35.000 I was just eating dick up there and I was editing my material and chopping the jokes as I go along. 0.99

01:58:40.000 And one girl goes, you're kind of hot but you're not funny. 0.99

01:58:44.000 And there's nothing you can say when you know that that's true.

01:58:47.000 Not that I'm kind of hot but that I'm not funny. 1.00

01:58:49.000 And another guy goes, you fucking suck! 1.00

01:58:51.000 You fucking suck! 1.00

01:58:52.000 And he's this big meathead guy snapping. 1.00

01:58:54.000 I had nothing I could say.

01:58:55.000 He was right. 1.00

01:58:56.000 I fucking sucked. 1.00

01:58:56.000 I knew I fucking sucked. 1.00

01:58:57.000 There was nothing I could do. 0.99

01:58:59.000 And I was supposed to do 45 minutes.

01:59:00.000 I wound up doing like 30. I got a few laughs.

01:59:03.000 I started getting a few laughs.

01:59:04.000 But they were so shaky.

01:59:05.000 It was just the worst set ever.

01:59:07.000 The worst bombing ever.

01:59:08.000 And I still to this day will go back in my head. 0.99

01:59:10.000 That was fucking 20 years ago. 0.97

01:59:12.000 My gig was still to this day the worst one I've ever had. 0.99

01:59:15.000 And you go back and you replay it over in your head.

01:59:17.000 Okay, I could have said this.

01:59:19.000 The heat that goes through your body when you're bombing.

01:59:22.000 People don't understand.

01:59:23.000 When you're bombing, there's a hot flash.

01:59:26.000 You almost get hot flashes.

01:59:27.000 So I'm having it when the guy threw the...

01:59:30.000 That knocked me out of my aggression.

01:59:32.000 When the chair came up onto the stage, I was like, Okay, I'm not going to fight a crowd. 0.99

01:59:37.000 And I got to get the fuck out of here. 0.99

01:59:40.000 The girl on the side of the stage that booked me is going, Get off! 1.00

01:59:44.000 Get off! 0.99

01:59:45.000 And I think this is, I was supposed to do like 40 minutes and I think I'm at 45 seconds or something or four minutes.

01:59:53.000 It was so short.

01:59:53.000 I forget.

01:59:54.000 She's going, get off, get off. 1.00

01:59:56.000 And I go, this is how badly I wanted the money.

01:59:59.000 I go, where's my check?

02:00:02.000 Oh my God.

02:00:03.000 From the stage.

02:00:04.000 But no one could hear me.

02:00:06.000 Even with the microphone, they were booing that loud.

02:00:08.000 I just looked to the side.

02:00:09.000 I go, where's my check?

02:00:10.000 I go, am I still getting paid?

02:00:12.000 And she's like, yes, yes.

02:00:15.000 And I went, no, I want to see the check.

02:00:16.000 I want to make sure.

02:00:17.000 While you're on stage?

02:00:18.000 Because I always was under this impression like, you have to do your time to get paid.

02:00:22.000 And they're getting me off before my time.

02:00:25.000 So are they going to not pay me?

02:00:27.000 So I want that $500, and I'm going, I was willing to stand up there for 35 more minutes and take the abuse.

02:00:34.000 I wanted the money so badly.

02:00:36.000 Don't you think, though, that you learn so much about your comedy from bombing?

02:00:41.000 Don't you think that it's the ultimate school? 1.00

02:00:44.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

02:00:45.000 And right then I said, I go, let me see the check. 1.00

02:00:49.000 So they went and got the check.

02:00:50.000 That's it.

02:00:50.000 That's why I was up there four and a half minutes.

02:00:52.000 They had to go get the check, come back.

02:00:54.000 And then you got offstage.

02:00:55.000 I get off stage and they rush me out the back door.

02:00:58.000 Like people around me because they're afraid a riot's gonna start.

02:01:01.000 We go out the back door.

02:01:03.000 The stripper is waiting there. 1.00

02:01:05.000 And she's smoking weed with a couple guys out there. 0.98

02:01:08.000 And she goes, hey, where are you going?

02:01:09.000 And I'm like... 0.99

02:01:11.000 You didn't see what just fucking happened? 1.00

02:01:13.000 She goes, yeah, that was some bullshit. 1.00

02:01:14.000 And I'm like, so she goes, stick around though. 1.00

02:01:16.000 You know, and bid on me. 0.99

02:01:17.000 I go, are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

02:01:19.000 Stick around and bid on me. 1.00

02:01:20.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99

02:01:21.000 Do you think they would have let it go? 0.99

02:01:22.000 The audience members would have forgotten?

02:01:24.000 I don't know.

02:01:25.000 But I got her phone number.

02:01:27.000 She gave me her phone number.

02:01:28.000 She's like, "Give me a call sometime." And I get in the car.

02:01:32.000 This is like 1997 or '98 that this happened or whatever.

02:01:36.000 The guy drives me to the train station in a TR7.

02:01:39.000 Nice.

02:01:40.000 And it's this little black thing.

02:01:41.000 Triumph. 1.00

02:01:42.000 And he's so fucked up. 1.00

02:01:43.000 He's been drinking so much rum and he's driving like 100 miles an hour and I'm going because he wants to get back and I'm like, "Dude, slow the fuck down. 1.00

02:01:51.000 You're going to kill us. 1.00

02:01:52.000 And he goes, man, you suck. 1.00

02:01:54.000 He's like, you are terrible. 1.00

02:01:56.000 And I'm like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:01:57.000 And he's like, no, man. 1.00

02:01:59.000 I've seen comedians. 0.97

02:02:00.000 You're the worst I've ever seen. 0.95

02:02:02.000 And he's driving me to the train station telling me how bad I am. 1.00

02:02:05.000 And he's a black dude? 0.94

02:02:07.000 And I get on the train. 0.70

02:02:07.000 Yeah. 0.70

02:02:08.000 It was the most racist I've ever been in my life because I'm just looking at every black person like blaming them for what happened. 1.00

02:02:13.000 Yeah. 0.92

02:02:14.000 Imagine living your whole life like that. 0.99

02:02:15.000 Welcome to being black. 0.99

02:02:17.000 But I get home, and at the time I was living with my sister. 1.00

02:02:18.000 People constantly fucking with you? 0.99

02:02:20.000 I learned right then. 1.00

02:02:23.000 That was a great learning experience.

02:02:24.000 I get home, I'm living with my sister at the time.

02:02:28.000 This goes back to answering machine time.

02:02:30.000 People had answering machines and no cell phone.

02:02:33.000 Well, I must have called the stripper. 1.00

02:02:36.000 I don't even remember calling the stripper, but I must have.

02:02:39.000 Because my grandfather dies.

02:02:41.000 And we're on the way to my grandfather's funeral.

02:02:43.000 We had already just done the viewing or whatever when you go then from church and you go to the cemetery.

02:02:48.000 We're going to the cemetery.

02:02:50.000 I mean, my dad had one of those, like, he had a Cadillac, I remember, with a car phone built into the car.

02:02:56.000 And it's my dad, my mom, and, like, two of my sisters and me.

02:02:56.000 Nice.

02:03:01.000 And, uh...

02:03:02.000 My sister decides to check her voicemail, the answer machine at home, and puts it on speaker.

02:03:08.000 And she listens to the stripper. 1.00

02:03:10.000 And I swear to God it comes on and goes, it's like next message, beep!

02:03:16.000 Hi Eddie, this is Heaven, the stripper you met out at SUNY Farmingdale.

02:03:21.000 She calls herself a stripper. 1.00

02:03:22.000 I'm just returning your call.

02:03:28.000 And my sister looks at me and goes, at Papap's funeral.

02:03:33.000 That's what his name was?

02:03:34.000 Papap?

02:03:35.000 At Papap's funeral?

02:03:35.000 She goes, really?

02:03:37.000 That's hilarious.

02:03:38.000 That's great.

02:03:38.000 Don't you think, though, that your comedy makes these big leaps after these horrible, disastrous bombings?

02:03:44.000 Yeah, you absolutely have to go through it.

02:03:46.000 I get fired up even if I see a bad review online.

02:03:49.000 I'll read 10 great reviews of a show that I was at, and then one guy says, I'm still waiting for my first laugh. 1.00

02:03:56.000 Fucking suck. 0.99

02:03:57.000 And I just get a little anxiety like, man, I gotta work harder. 1.00

02:04:00.000 But see, one bad one will... 1.00

02:04:03.000 I think that shit's good for you. 1.00

02:04:04.000 I really do. 1.00

02:04:05.000 I'm different, and I don't want to blow smoke up your ass, but I need good comics to inspire me, and I see so much shit comic, and I saw you one night working out, and I was like, fuck! 1.00

02:04:15.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:04:16.000 Fuck, he's going deep. 1.00

02:04:17.000 He's going deep and he's not afraid and he's fucking... 1.00

02:04:19.000 Like when you're doing the monkeys, we're just a bunch of monkeys on a rock spinning through... 1.00

02:04:22.000 And I'm like, fuck! 1.00

02:04:23.000 And I just went, fuck, I gotta go home and write. 1.00

02:04:26.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:04:26.000 Like one of those... 1.00

02:04:28.000 I said to you after the show, I go, fuck you. 1.00

02:04:28.000 Well, that's awesome, man. 1.00

02:04:30.000 And I had to hurry home and start just...

02:04:33.000 And I like to watch really good comics.

02:04:37.000 I'm one of these comics I love when I get to pick my middle act. 0.98

02:04:40.000 I love to bring the best fucking comedian I can bring. 0.97

02:04:42.000 Dude, I go on the road with Joey Diaz. 0.99

02:04:44.000 And does he just...

02:04:44.000 Joey Diaz is the funniest guy.

02:04:47.000 I've never laughed more at anybody ever in my life.

02:04:50.000 23 years of being a comic.

02:04:51.000 Have you ever met anybody funnier than Joey?

02:04:53.000 No.

02:04:53.000 I mean, it's like a cartoon.

02:04:54.000 He's just explosive with energy.

02:04:56.000 He just makes you happy. 0.99

02:04:57.000 He's just ridiculous. 0.99

02:04:58.000 He makes you funnier, too. 0.98

02:05:00.000 I'm funnier when I work with Joey.

02:05:00.000 He makes me funnier.

02:05:01.000 I feel better.

02:05:02.000 Yeah, that's how this new Brian McCarthy is.

02:05:04.000 I feel the same way, but what you said.

02:05:06.000 I saw Dave Chappelle once at the Comedy Store, and I felt the same way.

02:05:09.000 I want to go home and write.

02:05:10.000 I'm totally inspired by great comics, too.

02:05:12.000 I saw Louis at the Improv in Hollywood, Louis C.K., and I wanted to go home and write.

02:05:17.000 It was a really great performance.

02:05:18.000 And Norton recently.

02:05:19.000 I saw Norton at Cap City in Austin. 0.99

02:05:21.000 Fucking great. 0.99

02:05:22.000 Same feeling. 0.98

02:05:22.000 I want to go write. 0.98

02:05:23.000 But I also get inspired by people who don't like me. 0.99

02:05:28.000 Yeah, even fucking, you know, haters online. 0.97

02:05:30.000 I can get a million people who love me. 1.00

02:05:33.000 Dude, it's the greatest fucking show I've ever seen. 0.99

02:05:34.000 It's amazing. 0.99

02:05:35.000 And one person who's like, you know, fucking hang it up, stick to UFC. I'll go, oh, what, bitch? 1.00

02:05:41.000 You know, I'll get, like, fired up to, like... 1.00

02:05:45.000 It's good to zone them out, but it's good to be humble.

02:05:48.000 It's a bad feeling to have someone negatively critique your work.

02:05:52.000 It's a terrible feeling, but I think there's something to it that's good for an artist.

02:05:56.000 There's something that keeps you sort of humble and balanced, especially in this direct adulation relationship that you have with an audience.

02:06:04.000 You're immediately giving them what they want to hear, and they immediately laugh, and they tell you how much they love you.

02:06:09.000 You can get imbalanced by that. 0.95

02:06:11.000 I mean, we both know comics that got fucking super, super lazy. 0.98

02:06:11.000 You can get lazy. 0.98

02:06:15.000 And one of the reasons is, for whatever reason, there's not enough balance.

02:06:20.000 They got to a point where it was too easy for them, too many people being nice to them, and they lose it.

02:06:26.000 Chris Rock once had a really important thing that I read where he was talking about how he bombed really hard once going on after Martin Lawrence.

02:06:32.000 Martin Lawrence, which I did too, by the way, a bunch of times at the Comedy Store.

02:06:37.000 When I was on Hardball, the show that nobody ever saw on Fox, I would go on after a lot of guys at the Comedy Store.

02:06:44.000 Mitzi Shore, God bless her, did a tremendous amount for me early in my career.

02:06:49.000 And one of the things that she did for me, she always put me on the most devastating comedians in the night right on after them. 0.89

02:06:55.000 Like Dice Clay, I went off to Dice Clay a hundred times.

02:06:58.000 Richard Pryor.

02:06:59.000 I went in after Richard Pryor when he was in a wheelchair, when he couldn't even talk for five weeks.

02:07:03.000 Every time Martin Lawrence would have a set...

02:07:05.000 This is back when Martin Lawrence had that TV show. 1.00

02:07:07.000 He was a fucking destroyer. 0.99

02:07:09.000 I had never seen an Aston Martin either. 0.99

02:07:11.000 Martin Lawrence was in the back parking lot with an Aston Martin. 0.99

02:07:14.000 I was like, what the fuck is this thing? 0.97

02:07:15.000 Me and a couple other comics were circling around. 0.99

02:07:17.000 I was driving a Volkswagen Scirocco.

02:07:19.000 I was scratching my chin. 1.00

02:07:21.000 Like, what the fuck is this, man? 0.99

02:07:22.000 This thing's crazy. 1.00

02:07:23.000 And Martin would just devastate the main room.

02:07:26.000 I mean, devastate.

02:07:27.000 When Martin Lawrence was in his prime, that guy does not get enough respect. 0.96

02:07:31.000 Because if you go back and watch some of his old stand-up, he's just fucking funny.

02:07:37.000 And that show Martin, dude, that show, the writing was non-existent. 0.96

02:07:41.000 But he carried the whole show with all his characters and he pretended to be women. 0.97

02:07:45.000 He's fucking funny. 0.98

02:07:47.000 And I would be backstage, just like the Brewer night. 0.99

02:07:50.000 I mean, at least I'd been past the Brewer thing.

02:07:52.000 It happened a couple years before that.

02:07:53.000 So I had recovered and I knew how to get out of the gate strong.

02:07:56.000 It was a 90% black audience.

02:07:59.000 And I'm just ready to go on after him. 0.97

02:08:01.000 And he's crushing, crushing.

02:08:04.000 And then he's like, who's coming up next?

02:08:05.000 He has to bring me up.

02:08:06.000 So Martin Lawrence brings me up.

02:08:08.000 You know, he calls over to the piano guy.

02:08:10.000 The piano guy says, Joe Rogan.

02:08:11.000 And he goes, all right, y'all, give it up for this next comedian, Mr. Joe Rogan.

02:08:15.000 Very nice guy, he says. 1.00

02:08:16.000 And I just go up and eat a bag of shit. 1.00

02:08:19.000 Just a big manure bag that you would buy, like, at a fucking Farm Depot. 1.00

02:08:24.000 You know, just filled with shit. 1.00

02:08:25.000 I'm just chewing up. 1.00

02:08:26.000 And people are getting up in droves and leaving.

02:08:29.000 But all that stuff makes you way better.

02:08:31.000 It makes you a way better comic because you realize you don't ever want to feel that feeling.

02:08:35.000 It's like you feel the fire behind your feet and it makes you run faster.

02:08:39.000 You're only going to run a certain amount when you're not pushed.

02:08:42.000 I feel like... 0.99

02:08:44.000 It's funny, like, sometimes I just go, I'm shit, I suck now, blah blah blah. 0.99

02:08:47.000 But I don't realize that I don't have the ability to bomb like that anymore. 0.99

02:08:52.000 I mean, it can happen in a bad situation now, like something really fucked up happening. 0.88

02:08:56.000 But, like... 0.65

02:08:59.000 I used to have to, in New York, you know, a million times.

02:09:01.000 Esty used to do that at the cellar.

02:09:02.000 She'd just wait and put you up after the hardest person to make sure you were ready for it.

02:09:07.000 I had to follow Attell forever, every night in the cellar.

02:09:10.000 And that's how I got so dark because Attell would just, his jokes were so amazing and so dark, too, that it was like I had to go to a darker place than him.

02:09:21.000 Right.

02:09:21.000 You almost have to, like, pick up the frequency where he leaves it off.

02:09:23.000 And I remember just bombing so bad in the cellar. 0.99

02:09:26.000 That I would just start just like, what's it, fucking freestyling, just saying the worst things I could say, like talking about killing babies and shit, like trying to get out of this horrible hole that I would just shock the fuck out of the audience. 0.99

02:09:41.000 And it never works. 0.99

02:09:41.000 And it was like... 0.99

02:09:43.000 It was almost like if you go into a zone, though, of like, I'm going to pretend like they're not here and I'm just going to keep saying this shit and hopefully they're going to come around because this is so painful. 0.98

02:09:43.000 That never works. 0.98

02:09:52.000 Right.

02:09:52.000 And I'm in this terrible, terrible bomb.

02:09:54.000 But I mean, I had...

02:09:55.000 Like, I watched you on...

02:09:57.000 What was it?

02:09:59.000 Caroline's Comedy Hour.

02:09:59.000 That's where I saw you first when I was like a little kid that I didn't even do comedy.

02:10:03.000 And I'm like watching you and you were dirty. 0.98

02:10:05.000 I remember you and Sarah were on it and Sarah was dirty.

02:10:08.000 And so as a little kid, I'm like, these are good comics.

02:10:10.000 These two.

02:10:11.000 These are comedians.

02:10:12.000 It was so hard for me back then to even come up with seven minutes of material that I could do on TV. I would have to sit down and go over my shit. 0.99

02:10:18.000 I was like, God, I can't do that bit. 0.99

02:10:20.000 I can't do this bit.

02:10:21.000 I might have had an hour of material.

02:10:22.000 I might have had five I could do.

02:10:23.000 But I couldn't imagine you bombing because of the way your act was.

02:10:27.000 You had the confidence and the dirtiness and everything.

02:10:29.000 So I was like, this guy can't bomb.

02:10:32.000 So you probably had a lot less bombs than I've had.

02:10:36.000 Well, yeah.

02:10:36.000 Wow.

02:10:38.000 Well, you know, I've had a bunch, man.

02:10:39.000 I don't know about that.

02:10:40.000 I don't know how many you've had, but especially at the store, I had a gang of them in the early days.

02:10:44.000 When I was going on after...

02:10:45.000 You know, like really good comics over and over and over again.

02:10:48.000 I had quite a few bombings.

02:10:50.000 But the early days were way worse. 0.99

02:10:52.000 The open mic days were fucking brutal. 0.92

02:10:55.000 Because you're really not supposed to be up there talking. 0.99

02:10:58.000 You're really not good enough.

02:10:59.000 And then, look, Brian... 0.96

02:11:02.000 up he's been doing open mic nights just for a short period of time so you're in that kind of zone area where you're learning it and figuring it out you're in that stage of your life where sometimes you know i've seen you go on stage and you're trying out a new joke and it just doesn't work and you're just fucked you know you're just stuck in this rut you know you're right there right now right well i had a horrible thing the other day where somebody i knew uh was sitting in the front row and they thought oh this is awesome i 0.50

02:11:29.000 I could talk to Brian while he's on stage.

02:11:33.000 And so the whole time, she's just making me go, meow, meow, meow.

02:11:37.000 I said something like, oh, I just broke up with my ex. 1.00

02:11:40.000 I hate that bitch. 1.00

02:11:41.000 And she's like, oh, whatever. 1.00

02:11:41.000 You're not over her. 1.00

02:11:42.000 And I said it loud enough where it kept on fucking me up. 0.98

02:11:46.000 And then it just throws you off. 0.98

02:11:48.000 And I felt it.

02:11:48.000 I felt way off my tracks.

02:11:51.000 I haven't really felt like bomb.

02:11:55.000 You gave me anxiety.

02:11:56.000 Except for that. 1.00

02:11:57.000 Because I had to go on afterwards, and I was like, this bitch gonna talk to me? 1.00

02:12:01.000 Right. 1.00

02:12:01.000 Fuck. 1.00

02:12:02.000 She gonna talk to me too? 1.00

02:12:03.000 You're good at shutting him up now.

02:12:05.000 Yeah, but I don't want to.

02:12:06.000 I don't want to.

02:12:06.000 I'd rather not.

02:12:07.000 People always say, oh, you're so good with hecklers, you must love it when people talk shit. 1.00

02:12:10.000 No. 0.99

02:12:11.000 I want everybody to have fun.

02:12:12.000 I don't want to have to ruin someone's mind.

02:12:15.000 The Bob Hope joke, one that I've talked a few times on the podcast before, when I did that and I was booed and hissed, I took off comedy for five years.

02:12:23.000 You know, so...

02:12:24.000 It's a funny joke.

02:12:25.000 Bob Hope died.

02:12:26.000 He goes, did you hear Bob Hope died?

02:12:27.000 Yeah, they're gonna fly out his body to entertain all the dead troops.

02:12:30.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

02:12:31.000 That's a great fucking bit. 0.98

02:12:32.000 It was the day he died, though, and it was, like, right during, like, you know, after... 0.99

02:12:36.000 Brian's got some great jokes.

02:12:37.000 Can I say what my favorite joke of yours is?

02:12:39.000 Which one?

02:12:40.000 The ones you're doing right now?

02:12:41.000 Oh, okay.

02:12:41.000 About your dog.

02:12:42.000 All right.

02:12:42.000 He goes, I have a bunch of cats and dogs from other relationships.

02:12:46.000 It's like whenever we break up, I keep their cat and I keep their dog.

02:12:48.000 He goes, and they all have the same personality as the girls that I was dating.

02:12:53.000 It's really funny.

02:12:54.000 Like, all of them hate it when I come in their face.

02:12:57.000 Now I break it down to each animal.

02:12:58.000 There's a CUNY in Chris Wainhouse from Australia.

02:13:01.000 I think he's a Kiwi, but he lives in Australia and he's really dark and really funny.

02:13:04.000 Really good joke writer.

02:13:05.000 What's a Kiwi?

02:13:06.000 A New Zealander.

02:13:07.000 Oh.

02:13:07.000 And his name is Chris Wayne.

02:13:09.000 I should have known that.

02:13:09.000 And he writes jokes.

02:13:11.000 He writes a ton.

02:13:12.000 On Twitter, I don't know his name on Twitter, but he writes tons of jokes all the time.

02:13:15.000 He did a joke about the Crocodile Hunter the day the Crocodile Hunter died.

02:13:19.000 Yeah.

02:13:19.000 And somebody in the audience yells out, too soon!

02:13:22.000 And he goes, too soon? 1.00

02:13:24.000 I would have done that joke on the fucking boat. 0.99

02:13:29.000 I said something about the Crocodile Hunter when he died and I actually felt bad about it. 0.99

02:13:33.000 And the reason why I felt bad about it was, you know, what I said was, I go, he dies, I go, my act gains 10 minutes, I don't see the loss.

02:13:41.000 That's what I wrote on a message board. 0.99

02:13:43.000 And I just, you know, flippantly, you know, comics, we all say shit like that just to fuck with each other. 0.99

02:13:48.000 Like, have you ever done the Opie and Anthony show? 0.99

02:13:49.000 No, never done it. 0.99

02:13:50.000 Great fucking show. 0.99

02:13:51.000 And it's, everyone tries to say that, like, Louis C.K. will say the meanest shit to Norton, who will say the meanest shit to O.B. They say the meanest shit back to, but it's not real. 1.00

02:13:58.000 It's like, you're trying to get laughs. 1.00

02:14:00.000 And someone said, you know, hey man, this guy has like a family and children.

02:14:03.000 What if his children read that? 1.00

02:14:04.000 And I went, oh shit. 1.00

02:14:05.000 And I thought about it. 0.99

02:14:06.000 I'm like, okay, I don't even really think that.

02:14:07.000 I don't even really believe that.

02:14:08.000 Right, right.

02:14:09.000 And I was really mad at myself because I would have totally written a Crocodile Hunter bit if it wasn't for the fact that I felt bad that I said that, which was very short-sighted and it wasn't really even funny.

02:14:21.000 It was just like a quick, easy, cheap, like, jibe. 0.98

02:14:24.000 And I thought about it, and I said, God damn it, I fucked myself out of a good crocodile hunter bit now. 0.99

02:14:28.000 Because, for sure, that's like right up my alley. 0.99

02:14:31.000 You know, like, I'm fucking, no one's more fascinated by predatory animals than me. 0.99

02:14:35.000 And when a dude who fucks with animals his entire career, look, it's a snake, I've got a mimicry, When a guy like that fucking gets killed by an animal, I mean, there's a fucking wealth of material there. 0.99

02:14:47.000 I said in Australia, I said before he died, I watched the show. 0.99

02:14:53.000 They all think America loves the Crocodile Hunter.

02:14:56.000 Most of us do.

02:14:58.000 Because they're not as into him as we are.

02:15:00.000 Really?

02:15:01.000 No, not at all.

02:15:02.000 They all kind of think he's a freak and they're not that...

02:15:04.000 Do Australians have a thing about Australians who become famous somewhere else and then come back?

02:15:08.000 It's called tall poppy syndrome.

02:15:09.000 They try to cut down the tall flower.

02:15:12.000 Yeah, because Jeffries was pissed because he would go back to Australia and people wouldn't buy tickets to his show.

02:15:17.000 Right, right. 0.99

02:15:17.000 You know, he's like, I've got a fucking HBO special. 0.99

02:15:19.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:15:21.000 That's my worst Jeffrey Dox ever.

02:15:22.000 He doesn't have a lot to complain about right now.

02:15:25.000 Things are going well.

02:15:25.000 Oh, he's doing great.

02:15:26.000 But my joke was, I'm watching the show.

02:15:29.000 I admit I watch the show, and I watch it every day, hoping every day will be that day.

02:15:34.000 Because it's going to happen. 1.00

02:15:35.000 You know, you put your head in fucking crocodiles' mouths and then when he died, you know, it was like a funny joke. 1.00

02:15:41.000 Everyone used to laugh at it. 1.00

02:15:42.000 Then when he died, my agent over in Australia called me and he goes, mate, you're fucked. 1.00

02:15:46.000 I go, what? 0.99

02:15:47.000 He goes, they're playing your clip on the radio.

02:15:50.000 And I was like...

02:15:51.000 Oh, no.

02:15:52.000 So these two DJs were playing at this one station.

02:15:57.000 They thought it was kind of funny just playing my bit over and over. 0.99

02:16:00.000 So I thought, oh, this is fucking... 1.00

02:16:02.000 I'm dead. 1.00

02:16:03.000 In America, I would have gone into hiding.

02:16:05.000 Yeah, but not so. 1.00

02:16:07.000 Aussies wrote to me like, mate, you're fucking champion, mate. 0.99

02:16:11.000 We're listening to this podcast. 0.99

02:16:12.000 And I was like, I want to go to Australia more. 0.94

02:16:14.000 These guys are fucking cool. 0.85

02:16:15.000 They're fun, man. 0.96

02:16:16.000 You know what I love?

02:16:16.000 They call you a legend.

02:16:17.000 You're a legend, mate.

02:16:18.000 Champion and a legend.

02:16:19.000 They say that in England all the time.

02:16:20.000 You're a legend, mate.

02:16:21.000 You're a legend.

02:16:22.000 You're a legend, mate. 0.99

02:16:23.000 All right, speaking of legend, before we get out of here, I found the Bill O'Reilly thing, and I got to read it because it's so fucking ridiculous. 0.94

02:16:30.000 Whenever you think about Bill O'Reilly, no matter what, you think about his opinions, this is what you need to know. 0.95

02:16:36.000 This is some fucking voicemail that he left from some woman Her name was Andrea McCarris and she sued him for sexual harassment. 0.95

02:16:46.000 He goes, you would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and you would have your back to me and I would take the loofah thing and kind of soap up your back, rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water. 0.98

02:16:59.000 You know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you, and you'd still be with your back to me, and then I would kind of put my arm...

02:17:06.000 It's one of those mitts, one of those loofah mitts, you know? 0.93

02:17:09.000 So I got my hand in it, and I would put it around in front, kind of rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then my other hand would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard, because I like that, and you have really spectacular boobs. 1.00

02:17:22.000 So anyway, I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kind of kissing your neck from behind, Is it wrong that I have a boner right now? 1.00

02:17:31.000 Yes, it is. 1.00

02:17:32.000 And then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing.

02:17:37.000 The falafel?

02:17:37.000 I don't know what that means.

02:17:38.000 And just put it on your pussy. 1.00

02:17:40.000 But you'd have to do it real light. 1.00

02:17:43.000 Just kind of...

02:17:44.000 A tease business. 1.00

02:17:46.000 What a fucking goofy concept. 0.99

02:17:48.000 Any chick is gonna hear that and go, oh yeah, loofah sponge. 1.00

02:17:51.000 Yeah, that's what I was just thinking. 1.00

02:17:52.000 Who's gonna get off on this shit? 1.00

02:17:53.000 Old broken people. 1.00

02:17:55.000 He's like trying to romance her, you know? 0.97

02:17:57.000 I'm like, can I choke you?

02:17:59.000 Is falafel like a Jewish food?

02:18:02.000 Falafel?

02:18:03.000 Yeah, Middle Eastern food, but I don't think that's what he meant.

02:18:05.000 I want a sloppy with some hummus.

02:18:06.000 A falafel thing?

02:18:07.000 That's not what he meant. 1.00

02:18:08.000 I want to shove some chickpeas up your pussy. 1.00

02:18:10.000 Just use the wrong word, maybe. 1.00

02:18:11.000 I don't know.

02:18:12.000 But understand that this is the kind of human being you're dealing with. 1.00

02:18:15.000 And all this shit that you see on the fucking... 1.00

02:18:17.000 In the public eye, it's just nonsense. 1.00

02:18:19.000 You know, it's just what we said before, that people, when they become famous and they get adulation, they start all of a sudden believing the bullshit. 0.99

02:18:26.000 They believe their own hype. 0.99

02:18:27.000 It's step one to losing it all. 0.99

02:18:29.000 Like R. Kelly in his fucking Zoo song. 1.00

02:18:31.000 You got that, bitch? 1.00

02:18:32.000 Yeah, do you want to play it at the end, though? 0.99

02:18:33.000 So we can cut it out at the very end?

02:18:34.000 Yeah, let's cue it up.

02:18:36.000 Cue it up and we'll play it at the very end.

02:18:37.000 Do you know the Angelica Houston?

02:18:39.000 I think it was her that said it.

02:18:40.000 She goes, I go by the motto, never pick it up, never put it down.

02:18:45.000 Like, if you don't take the adulations, you can't take the criticism.

02:18:49.000 Like, focus on yourself.

02:18:50.000 Don't focus on, like, what other people say.

02:18:52.000 And I try to do that.

02:18:53.000 But you can learn from people, though.

02:18:55.000 But when you walk out of a show and people, you're great, you're great. 1.00

02:18:58.000 That's just your opinion because you're going to hear you suck too. 1.00

02:19:01.000 Right. 1.00

02:19:02.000 And so that way I don't take the you're great.

02:19:04.000 I just go, oh, thanks.

02:19:05.000 But I don't let it soak in because otherwise...

02:19:07.000 You know what I like hearing?

02:19:08.000 I like hearing we had a great time.

02:19:10.000 Yeah, me too.

02:19:10.000 That's what I like hearing.

02:19:11.000 I don't want to hear you're great.

02:19:12.000 I mean, if you think that, thank you very much.

02:19:14.000 I'm trying.

02:19:14.000 I'm working hard.

02:19:15.000 Keep going.

02:19:16.000 I do it all for...

02:19:17.000 Whoever likes to see the comedy.

02:19:19.000 That's what I'm doing it for.

02:19:21.000 I think you alter your motivation as you get older and as you get more successful and as you kind of get a better understanding of what you're doing as an artist.

02:19:30.000 And I think initially, I just wanted to get laughs.

02:19:32.000 I just wanted for me.

02:19:33.000 I wanted to prove that I could be good at this.

02:19:35.000 I wanted to get some success.

02:19:36.000 I wanted to do it for me.

02:19:38.000 But then once you get the success, then you have to change.

02:19:41.000 Your motivation has to change.

02:19:46.000 And it has to become, in order to stay good and to stay relevant, you have to, it has to become about the art.

02:19:52.000 You have to be obsessed with creating good stuff.

02:19:54.000 You have to be obsessed with doing something that people are going to enjoy.

02:19:57.000 Those pops of brilliance when a new bit comes to life.

02:20:00.000 Did you go through a change though? 1.00

02:20:01.000 Because I remember like when I watched you when I was younger and I was like, oh, I liked you because at that point in my life I was into like, I wanted to hear like tits and ass and fucking pussy. 1.00

02:20:09.000 And that's, to me, you were that kind of comic. 1.00

02:20:11.000 Yeah.

02:20:12.000 And I, Evening the improv was guys with their sleeves rolled up going, what's the deal with? 1.00

02:20:17.000 And you were going, you know, fuck that pussy. 1.00

02:20:19.000 Well, I was a savage. 1.00

02:20:21.000 I mean, you think about how I got into stand-up comedy. 0.99

02:20:23.000 I was a fucking kickboxer. 0.98

02:20:24.000 But then you changed. 0.99

02:20:25.000 Now you do this kind of intellectual-type material that's like what you talk about now. 0.66

02:20:30.000 Well, when I was 21, I still have a million dick jokes, but when I was 21, I had nothing to say about anything else. 0.64

02:20:36.000 I had no opinions. 0.94

02:20:37.000 I had no opinions on society.

02:20:39.000 I had no opinions on life.

02:20:41.000 I didn't think about religion at all, except it scared me, you know, because I went to Catholic school when I was little. 0.99

02:20:45.000 All I thought about when I was 21 was pussy. 0.99

02:20:48.000 That is all. 1.00

02:20:49.000 I was a fucking savage. 1.00

02:20:51.000 That's all I thought about. 0.99

02:20:52.000 Here I was, a former martial arts teacher and fighter who is now a professional comic, and I was making my living Working in bars and doing stand-up and trying to make girls like me.

02:21:02.000 I mean, that's what I was doing. 0.99

02:21:03.000 And all I was obsessed with, yeah, all I was obsessed with was fucking. 1.00

02:21:07.000 And people would say that to me, like, your act is all about sex. 1.00

02:21:09.000 And why is your act all about sex? 1.00

02:21:11.000 Because I'm fucking 22 and my hormones are black. 1.00

02:21:15.000 Blasting inside of my body like a broken fire hydrant slamming against the walls of my heart. 1.00

02:21:20.000 Like, what are you talking about?

02:21:21.000 That's all I'm thinking about.

02:21:22.000 I don't know anything else.

02:21:23.000 I had no opinions.

02:21:25.000 I could say sex jokes on stage and people could laugh.

02:21:28.000 You know why?

02:21:28.000 Because these are things that I was actually thinking about, so I had actual humorous points of view on it.

02:21:33.000 And people would say, well, your act is so dirty.

02:21:35.000 Am I supposed to not talk about what I'm obsessed with?

02:21:38.000 Should I talk about what you're obsessed with?

02:21:40.000 I guess I should have balance.

02:21:42.000 I mean, it did go through a long time where, you know, especially if I do like a half an hour set, it was too much sex talk.

02:21:47.000 It was like, enough already, dude.

02:21:49.000 You must have something else. 0.98

02:21:50.000 You know, how many cum shot jokes can you have? 0.98

02:21:52.000 You know, but it's...

02:21:54.000 As I got older, then I started, you know, looking at the world and, you know, then, you know, actually thinking about things and then actually forming opinions and, you know, and deeply considering those opinions before I ever thought about taking them to the stage.

02:22:07.000 I mean, I had opinions about things for years and years before I ever tried to, like, put them in a humorous situation.

02:22:12.000 It was just, you know, a matter of developing as a human being.

02:22:16.000 But, you know, as your motivation changes and as your perception changes, I mean, you just mature, you grow, you think about things differently.

02:22:23.000 No, but is your audience, your UFC audience, the guys that are MMA guys and that kind of stuff, are they on the same mindset as you now with your kind of material?

02:22:33.000 Dude, you'd be amazed, first of all, about UFC fans.

02:22:36.000 First of all, the broad spectrum of UFC fans. 0.97

02:22:39.000 There's some fucking brilliant, intelligent UFC fans.

02:22:42.000 I've met some people in the mixed martial arts business, whether they're trainers or competitors or... 0.93

02:22:47.000 People who just do it as a hobby or involved in a management aspect. 0.95

02:22:52.000 Fucking brilliant people who are huge fans of the sport. 0.96

02:22:55.000 I met a bunch of them. 0.99

02:22:57.000 Like the guys who own the UFC. They're fucking smart people, man. 0.99

02:23:00.000 They're not cavemen. 0.99

02:23:02.000 Dana White's crazy and he swears a lot and stuff, but he's a fucking really introspective, a very considerate and compassionate person. 0.98

02:23:09.000 Dana White recently saved some Thailand girl. 0.98

02:23:12.000 There was a girl who needed, I believe it was liver surgery, and she was the daughter of a trainer at Tiger Muay Thai.

02:23:18.000 Somebody put a thread about it on the underground that this girl's going to die unless she gets this surgery within the next eight weeks. 1.00

02:23:23.000 Dana White fucking paid for all of it. 1.00

02:23:25.000 Wow. 1.00

02:23:25.000 He's like one of those guys. 1.00

02:23:27.000 He's not an asshole. 0.99

02:23:27.000 He's not a meathead. 0.99

02:23:28.000 He's a really good dude. 0.99

02:23:31.000 Everybody looks at cage-fighting fans and they think, oh, they must be assholes with skulls in their shirts. 0.99

02:23:37.000 Yeah, a lot of them are, but a lot of them aren't. 1.00

02:23:40.000 Even the assholes with skulls in their shirts, they can be led. 0.98

02:23:43.000 Everybody can look at things in a more fun, friendly way. 0.99

02:23:47.000 Well, I'd imagine that, like, cage fighters to themselves are kind of perfectionist kind of guys.

02:23:51.000 And, like, what was that thing?

02:23:53.000 I texted you one day and asked you about the quote about if you can do one thing well, you can do...

02:23:57.000 Yeah, Miyamoto Musashi.

02:23:58.000 That's why I got this tattoo. 0.99

02:24:00.000 See that shit? 1.00

02:24:01.000 Musashi versus a tiger? 1.00

02:24:03.000 I do that CrossFit stuff, and all the guys I do CrossFit with are obsessive-compulsive and very intellectual. 0.99

02:24:10.000 You find these guys are great athletes, and you would think they're just dumb, fucking, you know, can climb a rope and fucking powerlift, you know, deadlift 500 pounds. 0.98

02:24:18.000 But you start finding out they know everything about nutrition and then everything about this. 0.99

02:24:22.000 Right.

02:24:22.000 And discipline.

02:24:23.000 Dumb people are not disciplined. 0.99

02:24:26.000 Dumb people can work hard if they're in a football camp and the coach is screaming at you every day or if you're in the army or something like that. 1.00

02:24:33.000 But you have to motivate yourself to go to the gym and you have to motivate yourself to buy the proper nutrition. 0.99

02:24:38.000 That takes intelligence.

02:24:39.000 It takes a certain amount of discipline. 0.98

02:24:41.000 Yeah, so I've seen that these mixed martial arts, because I would say that them, the guys that do fight and are really into it, are probably good fans that really get all your material and get into the intellectual shit. 0.99

02:24:53.000 But I'm thinking the average guy that likes to sit at home and goes, hey, I just want to see some fucking blood! 0.98

02:24:59.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

02:25:01.000 Does he come to your show and be like, tell me a dick joke? 0.99

02:25:03.000 Yeah, there's that. 0.98

02:25:04.000 But you know what, man?

02:25:05.000 I try very hard to make sure that my jokes are first and foremost funny.

02:25:10.000 Whatever my point of view is on something, it has to be digestible to a lot of people. 0.92

02:25:16.000 There's some weird shit that I might think is funny that if I had an audience filled with only... 0.71

02:25:21.000 Guys like you or Duncan or someone who's a very smart person that's of a certain age, I could talk to about almost anything. 0.92

02:25:28.000 I would do different material if it was just you guys.

02:25:31.000 But to an audience full of a bunch of people, first of all, I want everybody to have fun.

02:25:35.000 I want a joyous, fun, festive atmosphere.

02:25:40.000 I want it to be like an hour-long party.

02:25:44.000 But a party filled with ideas and thoughts.

02:25:47.000 You know that I'm not coming from a place of ego.

02:25:50.000 I'm not an egomania.

02:25:51.000 I'm coming from a place of, let's just figure this out.

02:25:54.000 Let's try to put this all together.

02:25:55.000 It's not about me.

02:25:56.000 It's about these ideas.

02:25:58.000 It's about fun. 0.99

02:25:59.000 It's about having a good goddamn time up there. 0.99

02:26:01.000 So it's the ideas, but I've got a lot of weird shit in my act about time travel and the Large Hadron Collider, and there's some shit that... 1.00

02:26:09.000 Sometimes when I'm on stage, I go, God damn, I'm taking these motherfuckers down a fucking twisty road here. 0.99

02:26:13.000 I hope they're with me. 1.00

02:26:15.000 I hope they're with me when the punchlines come, because after five minutes of Large Hadron Collider rant, when I get to the end, they're like, what the fuck is he talking about? 0.91

02:26:23.000 People are taking notes. 1.00

02:26:24.000 I better go home and read about this shit. 0.99

02:26:26.000 I think, you know, initially, I... Sort of, you know, did comedy just to try to get laughs. 1.00

02:26:33.000 And this is what I always say, that there's like a bunch of different stages of comedy.

02:26:35.000 I think the first stage is you do anything you can to get a laugh.

02:26:39.000 You know, I mean, I'm sure you've said some hacky lines in your life that you're embarrassed about.

02:26:43.000 I mean, I look back the last time, I think in 1997 or 90, no, earlier than that.

02:26:49.000 I was on news radio, though.

02:26:50.000 It was like 95, 96. I told some woman, hey, I don't come to your job and slap the dicks out of your mouth. 1.00

02:26:54.000 I couldn't believe I still used that. 0.99

02:26:57.000 I used it one time.

02:26:58.000 It was in Montreal at the Comedy Works.

02:27:00.000 Some chick said something. 1.00

02:27:01.000 And right after I said it, I'm like, man, really?

02:27:03.000 You didn't even dig into your bag. 1.00

02:27:05.000 You just grabbed the most obvious, stupid, hacky line. 1.00

02:27:08.000 I still think about that to this day. 1.00

02:27:09.000 I think initially, you're just trying to get laughs.

02:27:13.000 And then once you get good, then it goes from, what makes me laugh?

02:27:17.000 Instead of just trying to make anybody laugh with a tool.

02:27:20.000 Like, I have a hammer.

02:27:21.000 Look at my hammer.

02:27:21.000 I'm going to hit the nail.

02:27:22.000 Dong! 0.53

02:27:23.000 Then it becomes your perspective.

02:27:26.000 This actually is funny to me.

02:27:28.000 And then it becomes, how do you make someone laugh with your opinions on things?

02:27:32.000 What are your unique points of view?

02:27:34.000 That you can somehow or another turn into comedy.

02:27:37.000 So to me, there's been three stages in my life.

02:27:40.000 The first stage was just say anything, even if you didn't believe in it. 1.00

02:27:43.000 I said a lot of stupid shit about gay people, about whatever the fuck I was... 1.00

02:27:47.000 If I thought it would work. 1.00

02:27:49.000 To me, it was like, is this a brick? 0.97

02:27:50.000 Can I kill a rat with it? 1.00

02:27:52.000 Let's kill a rat. 1.00

02:27:53.000 It was just a tool. 0.99

02:27:54.000 I think I followed your model, and I'm just years behind you doing the same thing.

02:27:59.000 The good analogy I heard was golf.

02:28:01.000 They said when you learn to golf... 0.99

02:28:03.000 Just fucking hit the ball as far as you can fucking hit it and then hone your swing and bring it in instead of trying to hit it right and then trying to hit it far. 1.00

02:28:13.000 So try to kill it first. 1.00

02:28:15.000 Just try to learn how to kill. 1.00

02:28:16.000 And once you kill, you'll get all that confidence and you'll never be scared. 0.97

02:28:20.000 And then hone in the good, really creative, interesting jokes with your point of view.

02:28:25.000 But you can't go out there initially with that.

02:28:27.000 Some guys probably have.

02:28:29.000 They try, but they seem so pretentious, especially when you're 20 and you're breaking down the government. 1.00

02:28:34.000 Please shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:28:35.000 Please go get hit in the head by a ball. 1.00

02:28:38.000 Please get punched. 1.00

02:28:39.000 Go do something where you develop some character. 0.97

02:28:42.000 We'll talk about this off-air, but there's someone who does that right now.

02:28:45.000 I'm sure.

02:28:45.000 There's a lot of people who do it.

02:28:47.000 Well, you know, you want to be somebody, man.

02:28:49.000 You want to be Bill Hicks, you know? 0.99

02:28:50.000 There's a great fucking... 0.99

02:28:51.000 The Atlanta Punchline, one of the great clubs. 0.99

02:28:53.000 You ever worked there?

02:28:53.000 No, I did the other one.

02:28:54.000 One of the best clubs in the country. 0.99

02:28:55.000 Fucking fantastic club. 1.00

02:28:56.000 Anyway, the Atlanta Punchline has a back room, like a green room, and it's got a bunch of shit written on the wall. 0.99

02:29:01.000 And one thing that I took a picture of, I put it on my MoBlog, back when I had a MoBlog. 0.59

02:29:06.000 I've got to find it.

02:29:07.000 It must be on my...

02:29:07.000 It said, Quit Trying to Be Hicks.

02:29:10.000 It's on FragMob.

02:29:11.000 You still have an account at FragMob.

02:29:12.000 Do I? Oh, okay.

02:29:13.000 Well, go check that shit out, bitches. 1.00

02:29:15.000 Check this out, Joe. 1.00

02:29:17.000 Redpancake.net.

02:29:20.000 I don't think I need to see that.

02:29:21.000 Don't go to redpancake.net. 1.00

02:29:23.000 It's some sort of horrible venereal disease some poor fuck has. 1.00

02:29:26.000 Brian wants you to look at it. 0.99

02:29:28.000 Eddie, where are you going to be next, man?

02:29:30.000 I am in Australia, pretty much.

02:29:34.000 We've got a lot of Australian people that listen to the show, so tell us where.

02:29:37.000 Yeah, I'm doing the Adelaide Fringe Festival.

02:29:39.000 I'll be at the Arts Theatre for 10 nights only, and then I'm doing Brisbane.

02:29:44.000 Only?

02:29:44.000 10 nights in a row?

02:29:45.000 Jesus Christ, I've never done 10 nights anywhere.

02:29:47.000 That's incredible.

02:29:48.000 That's pretty cool.

02:29:48.000 450 seats, so start buying tickets.

02:29:51.000 Goddamn. 1.00

02:29:51.000 Holy shit. 1.00

02:29:52.000 You've packed places in Australia, huh? 0.99

02:29:54.000 It's going well.

02:29:55.000 I'm really happy.

02:29:56.000 Is that weird to be super famous in another country?

02:29:58.000 I'm not super famous at all.

02:29:59.000 I mean, ours is super famous.

02:30:01.000 I'm happy with how it's going, but I would like to see the same.

02:30:04.000 I told you yesterday, I go, it's not like, I love Australia. 0.99

02:30:07.000 It's a great fucking place. 0.99

02:30:09.000 I love to surf. 1.00

02:30:09.000 But you want to do the same thing here. 1.00

02:30:10.000 Yeah, I just, you know, I like being around my family and I want my parents to not think I'm a failure.

02:30:15.000 Right.

02:30:15.000 Holla at your boy.

02:30:17.000 So, what is your website?

02:30:18.000 EddieIft.com.

02:30:20.000 And on Twitter, it's Eddie Ift.

02:30:23.000 Facebook.

02:30:23.000 I'm on Facebook.

02:30:24.000 Facebook.

02:30:25.000 And Facebook is easy to find. 1.00

02:30:27.000 And our podcast is Talking Shit. 0.96

02:30:30.000 Yeah, and your podcast, is it back up now? 0.98

02:30:32.000 If you Google it, you will find it.

02:30:34.000 You don't have to go through iTunes.

02:30:35.000 Everybody thinks you have to go through iTunes.

02:30:37.000 So, Libsyn has it.

02:30:38.000 Libsyn has it.

02:30:39.000 It's available no matter what.

02:30:40.000 All the episodes are available.

02:30:41.000 And you can get to Libsyn, I assume, from EddieF.com.

02:30:44.000 EddieF.com.

02:30:45.000 And they just took it down because of the name.

02:30:46.000 They took it down because of the title.

02:30:47.000 Yeah, in the title.

02:30:48.000 That's crazy. 0.99

02:30:49.000 And we fucked up. 0.99

02:30:50.000 Well, he got lucky. 1.00

02:30:51.000 They didn't take it down from, I guess I have to eat this guy's cunt. 1.00

02:30:54.000 They should have taken it down from that. 0.99

02:30:55.000 Yeah, we just do a podcast number one.

02:30:57.000 Yeah, that's what we should have done.

02:30:59.000 We just have the guests.

02:31:00.000 I understand their thing, trying to keep children away from explicit stuff. 0.99

02:31:03.000 We fucked up. 1.00

02:31:04.000 We fucked up. 1.00

02:31:04.000 I don't think they have a filter, though. 1.00

02:31:05.000 You think they would have some kind of same thing?

02:31:07.000 They do, and that's what they did.

02:31:09.000 They bumped us off for breaking the rules, and we just didn't know, and...

02:31:12.000 Yeah, so they killed all your feed and now you have to get a whole new feed?

02:31:16.000 Yeah, we're going to have to get a whole new feed.

02:31:18.000 So all your subscribers, you have 35,000 subscribers.

02:31:21.000 I think more now.

02:31:22.000 Wow, you lost them all.

02:31:23.000 And we're going to lose all our subscribers. 1.00

02:31:25.000 Goddamn. 0.98

02:31:25.000 So we're going to have to re-subscribe. 0.98

02:31:26.000 So please, folks, go to iTunes and re-subscribe.

02:31:29.000 Is it up now?

02:31:30.000 I don't think it's up until tomorrow.

02:31:32.000 Okay, go to eddief.com and download it.

02:31:34.000 It's hilarious.

02:31:34.000 Eddief is hilarious and Jim Jeffries is hilarious too.

02:31:37.000 So the podcast is a Fucking can't miss, you dirty bitches. 1.00

02:31:41.000 Joe's going to be there someday. 1.00

02:31:42.000 He's going to drive all the way to Venice and do our fucking show. 0.99

02:31:44.000 Yeah, I'm going to do it. 0.99

02:31:45.000 I am going to do it.

02:31:46.000 Tell me when.

02:31:46.000 We'll work it out.

02:31:48.000 Tell me when.

02:31:48.000 Maybe next week.

02:31:49.000 You heard it.

02:31:50.000 Maybe next week.

02:31:50.000 Are you guys around next week?

02:31:51.000 Yeah, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

02:31:52.000 Okay, maybe we'll figure out next week.

02:31:53.000 I know I was supposed to do Tuesday with...

02:31:56.000 What's that dude's name?

02:31:56.000 Jean LaJoy from The League.

02:31:59.000 How do you say his name?

02:32:00.000 I think he said it right.

02:32:01.000 He's hilarious. 1.00

02:32:02.000 Some of his fucking songs on YouTube are genius. 0.99

02:32:04.000 And he's actually a fan of the podcast and actually asked to be on. 0.98

02:32:07.000 I don't want to brag or anything, but he's coming on.

02:32:09.000 So he's going to be on next Thursday.

02:32:11.000 So maybe I'll do it someday next week.

02:32:14.000 I'll figure it out.

02:32:14.000 Venice.

02:32:15.000 Talking shit. 1.00

02:32:16.000 And we will definitely put that shit on Twitter and let everybody know. 0.99

02:32:19.000 And we'll try to get you guys back on iTunes by then. 0.98

02:32:22.000 So that's it.

02:32:23.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight.

02:32:29.000 Again, The Fleshlight sponsors the show.

02:32:30.000 Thank you very much to them.

02:32:31.000 And you get 15% off if you type in the name Brogan.

02:32:34.000 This Friday night, I am at Mandalay Bay Theater with Joe Diaz and Ari Shafir.

02:32:41.000 I'm getting some messages where people are saying it's sold out, but I don't know if that's true.

02:32:45.000 It's very close, though.

02:32:46.000 And it will by the time Showtime rolls around, which is tomorrow night.

02:32:49.000 And then tonight, Ari Shafir has a storytell show at the Improv. 0.99

02:32:55.000 And I'm going to go down and fuck around there, too. 0.75

02:32:57.000 So that's it for the show this week for iTunes. 0.99

02:33:01.000 And right after I say goodbye, we're going to play this R. Kelly song, The Zoo, because it's the most fucking ridiculous, brilliant thing that's ever happened. 0.97

02:33:08.000 And exactly what we're talking about when it comes to celebrity turning someone into a crazy person. 0.99

02:33:13.000 All right. 1.00

02:33:13.000 Love you, bitches. 1.00

02:33:14.000 Love you, bitches. 1.00

02:33:28.000 I wanna kiss. 1.00

02:33:29.000 I wanna freak. 1.00

02:33:32.000 I wanna sex. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 03, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #77 - Eddie Ifft

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript