The Joe Rogan Experience - June 02, 2016


Joe Rogan Experience #805 - Steve Hofstetter

Topics
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Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Steve Hofstetter
Mentioned
Steve Hofstadter Trump Joey Diaz Bush Bobby Lopez Obama Morty Joaquin Phoenix Jesse Jackson Chris Bryson Adam Hunter Clay Aiken Spider-Man Pitbulls Hillary Darwin Geez Bling Bling Chihuahua Basset Hound Labrador Retriever and 33 more
Joe Rogan Experience #804 - Sam Harris Joe Rogan Experience #806 - Dave Smith

Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 40 minutes

Words per minute

207.15

Word count

20,888

Sentence count

2,232

Harmful content

Misogyny

61

sentences flagged

Toxicity

514

sentences flagged

Hate speech

30

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Comedian Steve Hofstadter joins Jemele to talk about his stand-up routine, how to deal with hecklers, and why you should never drink at a comedy club. Plus, we talk about why you shouldn t drink at comedy clubs and why it's a good idea to have a glass of water in the middle of the night before a comedy show. And, of course, there's a little bit of comedy magic at the end of the episode. Thanks to Pale Fire and Mossy Creek for sponsoring this episode! If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, Like, and Share to stay up to date with what's going on in the world of comedy and what's to come in the coming weeks! Thank you so much for being a part of this podcast, and we hope you enjoy it! -Jon Sorrentino and Jemele Check us out on Anchor.fm/TheJonShow and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast! Don't Tell a Friend about Jon's Podcast: if you like the show and/or don't mind if he doesn't mention it on his social media! if he mentions it on the pod! If he does not respond to your feed, please tell a friend about the show! or doesn't respond to it on Insta: . or if you don't like it, tell him about it, he's cool with it. or leave him a review and he can be reached via Insta comment on Instagrande or something like that's cool and he should do so on Instafood, he'll get a shout out on Instacademy or Instagram or whatever else he does it's cool, he can do it, and he'll be notified about it's awesome, and it'll be cool, right? thank you, Jon will also be notified of the show will be notified, and other things like that will be appreciated! , right? Thank you very much appreciate it, Jon is awesome, Jon loves you, he said so much, thank you? - Thank you, bye, Jon says hi, bye! XOXO, Jon -JONY! xoxo, JONYO, EJ & AJYO. -Sebastian

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 I was thinking of, you know, just being on Tinder the whole time.
00:00:03.000 We're live.
00:00:03.000 We're live.
00:00:04.000 You can't talk about Tinder, dude.
00:00:05.000 I'm kidding.
00:00:06.000 Shut it off! 1.00
00:00:07.000 Don't swipe right! 1.00
00:00:08.000 Steve Hofstadter, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:10.000 How are ya?
00:00:11.000 That was at the same time.
00:00:13.000 I'm good.
00:00:14.000 I'm excited to be here.
00:00:15.000 I'm excited to have you, man.
00:00:16.000 I love the video. 0.99
00:00:17.000 There's a video I found out about Steve because it's a video of some fucking hecklers. 0.99
00:00:23.000 Why do they still exist? 0.98
00:00:24.000 Do people out there, do you not know that when you come to a comedy show, it's like going to the movies?
00:00:29.000 Ego and alcohol.
00:00:29.000 You shouldn't try to change the content.
00:00:30.000 Ego and alcohol.
00:00:31.000 You're right.
00:00:32.000 That's the answer.
00:00:33.000 I asked a rhetorical question.
00:00:35.000 Yeah.
00:00:37.000 And I got a definitive answer. 0.97
00:00:38.000 It's a fucking great video though because you handled it so well. 0.96
00:00:42.000 Thank you. 0.98
00:00:43.000 I don't even remember the subject.
00:00:44.000 What was she heckling about?
00:00:46.000 I was talking about how parents think they're special and they're not. 0.98
00:00:50.000 And then she yelled out bullshit and then walked into two minutes of material that I already had written about the subject. 1.00
00:00:56.000 If I had written what she was supposed to say, it wouldn't have been as good as what she actually said. 0.92
00:01:00.000 Yeah, it was like a setup and sometimes those things happen and people accuse people of doing plants.
00:01:06.000 I've never heard of anybody actually doing a plant though, have you?
00:01:09.000 Other than Andy Kaufman, no.
00:01:11.000 Like not even, not one time.
00:01:13.000 But people, sometimes people look at the world and they go, well this is too good, it can't be real.
00:01:19.000 We'll allow for some magic to happen sometimes.
00:01:22.000 A little comedy magic.
00:01:23.000 Yeah, I mean, there's so many videos of hecklers you would think that they would learn.
00:01:28.000 Like, is there ever a video of a heckler winning?
00:01:31.000 I mean, there are definitely videos of people who are like, I own this heckler, and you're like, nah, did ya?
00:01:37.000 Did you?
00:01:38.000 It looks kind of...
00:01:38.000 No, not really.
00:01:40.000 Sometimes, yeah.
00:01:41.000 But that's not the heckler winning.
00:01:42.000 That's the comedian losing.
00:01:43.000 Right.
00:01:43.000 There's a difference.
00:01:45.000 And there are times, I think, when there are comedians...
00:01:51.000 You know this.
00:01:51.000 There are comedians who can't ad-lib, who are brilliant at material, but are just not ad-libbers.
00:01:56.000 That's weird, isn't it?
00:01:57.000 The people that only want to do monologues, and if anything goes off the line, they ignore it, and they just keep going, and they hope that the...
00:02:06.000 Someone takes care of it.
00:02:07.000 Well, I don't understand that.
00:02:09.000 Like, that's part of...
00:02:10.000 People sometimes will be like, why do you have so many Heckler videos?
00:02:13.000 It's like, because most of them start with me going, what'd you say?
00:02:16.000 Because I don't let it go, because I don't want to lose control of the crowd.
00:02:20.000 I don't want other people to be like, oh, well, he talked, I can talk.
00:02:23.000 And also, you know, I just...
00:02:25.000 I can't concentrate on this, you know, bit I've done a thousand times if, in the back of my head, I was like, wait, what's happening right now in the back of the room?
00:02:34.000 Yeah.
00:02:35.000 Well, sometimes people just start commenting.
00:02:37.000 They'll be right in front of you, too, which is crazy.
00:02:40.000 In the front row, going, that's not true.
00:02:43.000 No.
00:02:44.000 You can't say that.
00:02:45.000 Don't say that.
00:02:46.000 Or they even go, yes, that's true. 0.98
00:02:49.000 Even when they agree with you, it still sucks. 0.92
00:02:51.000 But what about... 0.95
00:02:52.000 Yeah.
00:02:53.000 And they want to put their own spin on it like it's a conversation.
00:02:56.000 It's confusing.
00:02:57.000 Sometimes, like, I try to tell people, I'm just like, look, comedy's evocative.
00:03:00.000 You're gonna have a lot of thoughts, and that's okay.
00:03:02.000 Have the thoughts.
00:03:03.000 Yeah.
00:03:04.000 Hold on to those thoughts.
00:03:05.000 Yeah.
00:03:05.000 Later, after the show, release the thoughts in the wild.
00:03:08.000 But for now...
00:03:09.000 It's okay to think of stuff.
00:03:11.000 And even if you see me out in the lobby, and you got a question about some of the material, let's talk.
00:03:17.000 Yeah.
00:03:17.000 That's a time to talk.
00:03:19.000 Absolutely.
00:03:20.000 Not why you're halfway into this setup.
00:03:23.000 Yeah, it's such...
00:03:25.000 I mean, part of why I say it's ego is because if there's hundreds of people at this show, and they're all quiet, and then one person thinks they're all doing it wrong...
00:03:34.000 Yeah.
00:03:36.000 Like, they're just sitting there being like, wait, no, all these people are wrong.
00:03:38.000 We should be interacting.
00:03:40.000 I need to show them.
00:03:41.000 It is kind of funny that alcohol is what they serve at comedy clubs.
00:03:45.000 Because for, I guess for most people, it's a good thing.
00:03:48.000 For most people, alcohol is a social lubricant.
00:03:51.000 It relaxes you.
00:03:52.000 You start laughing a little bit more. 0.99
00:03:53.000 But for some people, the fucking, the wheels come off. 0.99
00:03:57.000 And they just want to chime in and yell out. 1.00
00:04:00.000 Well, if you're an asshole, alcohol just makes you more of an asshole. 1.00
00:04:03.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00
00:04:04.000 So I think...
00:04:05.000 I've had this theory for a long time that a lot of people will blame being drunk.
00:04:09.000 Oh, I was so wasted.
00:04:11.000 But that's you.
00:04:12.000 You were still in there.
00:04:14.000 There isn't some magical, like, you know, Jekyll and Hyde thing that's going on.
00:04:18.000 You peed on someone's truck because you wanted to pee on someone's truck.
00:04:22.000 Right.
00:04:22.000 Alcohol just gave you the excuse.
00:04:24.000 Right.
00:04:25.000 There are people that are alcoholics, though, where a switch goes off.
00:04:28.000 Do you know anybody like that?
00:04:29.000 I don't.
00:04:31.000 You know what?
00:04:32.000 I can introduce you to a few people.
00:04:33.000 Fair.
00:04:34.000 I was like, I have a feeling.
00:04:35.000 I know some of the people you hang with.
00:04:37.000 I guess I don't hang out at the store enough.
00:04:40.000 The store is the grand old Opry for hecklers.
00:04:44.000 Yeah.
00:04:45.000 I mean, it really is.
00:04:46.000 There's something about that place because there's no real doorman.
00:04:49.000 Everybody's a comic.
00:04:50.000 Yeah.
00:04:50.000 It's comics working the door, comics working the cover booth, comics working the room.
00:04:57.000 It's only comics.
00:04:58.000 Comics work in the back parking lot.
00:05:00.000 It's all comedians.
00:05:01.000 So when you're there, you're under the hands of people who really don't want to be doing what they're doing.
00:05:06.000 They don't really pay attention, so you have to learn how to...
00:05:09.000 Deal with hecklers.
00:05:10.000 Plus, it's a hangout.
00:05:12.000 So there's people packed in that place from 8 p.m.
00:05:16.000 till 2 a.m.
00:05:17.000 And everybody's hanging around drinking.
00:05:19.000 And so there's a lot of alcoholics.
00:05:21.000 And so you just get used to those dudes that have shark eyes.
00:05:24.000 Their eyes glass over and they're gone.
00:05:27.000 You look in there, you're like, oh, Bobby's not here anymore.
00:05:30.000 There's no Bobby.
00:05:31.000 It's just...
00:05:32.000 I didn't meet people like that until I was like 30. When I was 30, I started to meet like real alcoholics where they'd have one drink...
00:05:41.000 And then they were gone.
00:05:42.000 They were just off to the races.
00:05:44.000 So do you think that they are a completely different person, or do you think that the alcohol just allows who they are to come out?
00:05:51.000 Completely speculative.
00:05:52.000 Because I don't have that gene, whatever that wacky gene is, where you have a couple of drinks and you just...
00:05:58.000 Go off the rails.
00:05:59.000 I don't have that.
00:05:59.000 I'm a happy drunk.
00:06:01.000 Like when I get drunk, I like to laugh and hug people.
00:06:05.000 I don't understand the go blank, make a Molotov cocktail, throw it at the cops, wake up in jail. 1.00
00:06:11.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:06:11.000 What happened? 1.00
00:06:12.000 I did what?
00:06:13.000 The weirdest drunk to me is the crying drunk.
00:06:17.000 Like, the drunk that gets super upset, because then it's like, why would you give yourself the ingredient that you need to cry in the corner?
00:06:23.000 Right.
00:06:24.000 Like, if you know, if it's the first time it ever happened, I get it, okay?
00:06:27.000 But if you're someone like, I have a friend who, every time he gets drunk, he gets, like, super sad.
00:06:32.000 And I'm just like, stop drinking!
00:06:34.000 Like, why are you drinking if you're this upset?
00:06:36.000 I feel like with people like that, there's like patterns that are deeply carved into their psyche from childhood.
00:06:42.000 Like maybe their mom cried a lot or their dad cried a lot and they got used to it and it became a comforting pattern.
00:06:49.000 But yeah, those things are, I mean, people say, oh, what are you going to do, man?
00:06:52.000 The guy's sad. 0.95
00:06:53.000 How the fuck did he get sad? 0.99
00:06:55.000 He's living in America. 1.00
00:06:56.000 He's got two feet.
00:06:57.000 He doesn't have cancer. 1.00
00:06:58.000 What the fuck is he whining about? 1.00
00:07:00.000 There could be a hundred things wrong. 1.00
00:07:02.000 You're a young white person in America. 1.00
00:07:04.000 Will you shut up? 0.99
00:07:05.000 I actually don't drink anymore. 0.63
00:07:07.000 I've been sober 12 years. 0.99
00:07:09.000 Damn. 0.99
00:07:10.000 And it was because it was really my first year on the road when I realized how much of a problem it could be. 0.99
00:07:15.000 Oh, so you did it as a preventative measure.
00:07:18.000 I did it, yeah.
00:07:18.000 It was something where I didn't go through a program.
00:07:20.000 And I found, by the way, that people who have gone through the program are like, you're not really sober.
00:07:26.000 That's hilarious.
00:07:27.000 And to me, I'm just like, you needed a program.
00:07:29.000 You have no willpower.
00:07:30.000 Yeah.
00:07:31.000 A bit of a dichotomy there.
00:07:32.000 But the idea that someone could tell you after 12 years of sobriety that you're not really...
00:07:38.000 This isn't even consistent!
00:07:39.000 Yeah, you just choose not to drink.
00:07:42.000 Like, yeah, I do choose not to drink.
00:07:44.000 That's hilarious!
00:07:45.000 Yeah, I haven't had a drink in 12 years.
00:07:46.000 It was one of these things where, I mean, you know this, it's free on the road.
00:07:50.000 Mm-hmm.
00:07:50.000 You know, and everybody wants, everybody goes, oh, let me take a shot with you afterward.
00:07:54.000 And you'd be like, there are 30 of you. 0.98
00:07:55.000 I'm gonna die. 0.73
00:07:56.000 Right. 0.96
00:07:56.000 You just do the math on that, and you're like, I'm gonna die. 0.96
00:07:58.000 And I started realizing, you know what?
00:08:00.000 I don't have inhibition that alcohol changes.
00:08:03.000 Like, that same year, I had done some show in Bloomington, Indiana, and we went to a bar afterward, and there were a bunch of hot girls dancing on the bar, and I went up and I danced on the bar with them, and I wasn't drunk.
00:08:13.000 I just wanted to dance with the hot girls. 1.00
00:08:15.000 And there were all these, like, there were all these drunk...
00:08:18.000 People, you know, below the bar, like all these loser guys just kind of like nursing their beer and looking up, be like, I wish I could do that. 0.99
00:08:25.000 And be like, well, then get the fuck up on the bar. 1.00
00:08:27.000 Why? 0.98
00:08:27.000 If you want to do it, do it. 0.98
00:08:28.000 Can anybody just dance on a bar?
00:08:30.000 Because that makes me reconsider all the times I've like touched the bar and then touched food and then put my phone up there and touched that and then touched food.
00:08:40.000 The bottom of my shoes are not clean, Joe.
00:08:42.000 Nobody's shoes are clean.
00:08:43.000 How are you just allowed to?
00:08:45.000 That's got to violate health codes, right?
00:08:47.000 It was, I just figure there were enough hot girls that it was okay that I was there too. 0.78
00:08:52.000 That's a good call.
00:08:53.000 Like the ratio has to be, there have to still be enough hot girls. 1.00
00:08:56.000 Now, did you hook up with one of those girls afterwards? 1.00
00:08:58.000 Oh no, I was a pathetic, sad loser. 0.99
00:09:00.000 But the point is that I didn't need the alcohol to at least start the process of getting rejected. 0.99
00:09:06.000 That's you.
00:09:07.000 You have the unique personality trait that allows you to get crazy and dance on bars.
00:09:12.000 That is a strange thing, though, about the people that are in those 12-step programs, because they really do get super attached to the idea that that's the only way to be sober.
00:09:20.000 Yeah, and it is a way, and if you need that, okay.
00:09:23.000 More power to you, and I don't want to take that away from anybody, but we're all different.
00:09:30.000 And everybody's, you know, nerve endings connect differently, whatever the hell the biology is of it.
00:09:35.000 And I didn't need a program, especially because I would freak out if they were like, and this is about Jesus! 1.00
00:09:41.000 And I would be like, go fuck yourself, give me a beer. 1.00
00:09:43.000 So, you know, I wouldn't be able to be comfortable there. 1.00
00:09:48.000 Did you ever do a program thing?
00:09:51.000 Did you, like, go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, or did you just stop?
00:09:54.000 No, I had...
00:09:56.000 So, I had...
00:09:58.000 There were a couple times where I was like, alright, I need to quit, I need to quit, and that never works.
00:10:03.000 And then there was one night where...
00:10:05.000 So, it's the first real time I'm on the road.
00:10:07.000 I was terrible with women in high school and college. 1.00
00:10:10.000 And then suddenly I hit the road as a comic, and they're everywhere, and they're interested, and life is different.
00:10:16.000 And so there was a show, I was doing a show for a sorority, and usually the sororities that sponsor comedy shows are like the philanthropy sorority, and they're all terrible.
00:10:26.000 No, these girls were all hot. 1.00
00:10:28.000 Just dimes.
00:10:30.000 The whole chapter, just full.
00:10:31.000 They had like one ugly friend as the charity, but they had just gorgeous girls. 1.00
00:10:36.000 And my opener goes up and bombs.
00:10:38.000 And then I go up to a standing room only crowd and crush.
00:10:41.000 And so now, it's afterward, we're hanging out, there's like this after-party thing that they put together for just them and the two of us, one of which they hated because he bombed.
00:10:51.000 And, like, there are just these eight hot girls surrounding me, one shouldered another one out of the way to sit next to me. 1.00
00:10:56.000 I was like, this is, this is, like, nothing I've ever experienced.
00:10:59.000 And then they took us to another party.
00:11:02.000 And I'm pretty sure someone put something in my drink. 1.00
00:11:05.000 Not in the way of, like, I want to fuck this guy. 0.99
00:11:07.000 In the way of, like, this is a guy getting all the attention away from the other guys. 1.00
00:11:10.000 And I think one of the other guys fucked with my drink. 0.99
00:11:13.000 Really? 0.99
00:11:14.000 Yeah.
00:11:14.000 Because I got super violently ill very quickly.
00:11:17.000 Like, very, very quickly.
00:11:19.000 And I spent the whole night...
00:11:21.000 I was supposed to stay at the sorority house...
00:11:23.000 Like, the plan was I was going to stay in the guest room, so I didn't even have to do the whole excuse of like, hey, can I use your bathroom?
00:11:28.000 Can I come in for, like, I just, I was supposed to go back there with them, and I spent the entire night just vomiting.
00:11:35.000 It was terrible.
00:11:36.000 Wow, somebody spiked your drink.
00:11:38.000 And then I lost a gig the next day.
00:11:40.000 And at the time, it's my first year on the road, I lost a $1,500 gig the next day.
00:11:44.000 Because you were so sick?
00:11:45.000 I couldn't do it.
00:11:45.000 I was, we were driving, it was the middle of winter, but I was wearing like two pairs of pants, like two sweatshirts, and in a sleeping bag in the car with the heat on full blast, and I was shivering the whole way.
00:11:54.000 Like, I was fucked up. 0.99
00:11:55.000 Wow. 0.99
00:11:56.000 Are you sure you didn't have like the flu or something?
00:11:58.000 That sounds like the flu.
00:12:00.000 It went away like six hours later.
00:12:02.000 So it could have been a very temporary flu, a well-timed flu, I don't know.
00:12:08.000 But that was the night where I was just like, I can't keep doing this.
00:12:10.000 Have you ever heard of a drug that does that?
00:12:12.000 Like a drug that makes you have the chills?
00:12:16.000 Me, there probably is one out there.
00:12:17.000 I might just be wussy.
00:12:20.000 No, it doesn't sound like it.
00:12:21.000 That sounds like you got something happened.
00:12:23.000 Yeah, it was just very, very bad.
00:12:26.000 And so I realized that it was not only a chance at like a three, it was a chance at like a ninesome.
00:12:33.000 So you're like, alright, I got it.
00:12:35.000 No more drinking.
00:12:36.000 Yeah, none of that.
00:12:37.000 Wow, that's a wake-up call.
00:12:39.000 That's a wake-up call.
00:12:41.000 The world hands you four aces and you just throw up on them.
00:12:44.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:12:47.000 What a hand of cock! 1.00
00:12:50.000 You ever heard of the term dry drunk? 0.99
00:12:52.000 Now, what's that?
00:12:53.000 Dry drunk is what people like to say people who are alcoholics who aren't drinking but aren't in a program are.
00:13:02.000 They're dry drunks.
00:13:03.000 And so you still have all the mental issues that a drunk has. 0.99
00:13:08.000 You're just waiting to go off.
00:13:10.000 You don't really have the stability that a 12-step program provides.
00:13:15.000 That sounds right.
00:13:16.000 Yeah.
00:13:17.000 Yeah.
00:13:18.000 I mean, for some people, for sure.
00:13:20.000 But a 12-step program is weird because doesn't it require belief in a higher power?
00:13:25.000 It does.
00:13:26.000 There's a lot of God stuff in there.
00:13:29.000 Yeah.
00:13:30.000 And, like, I believe that there's something, but that something could be a life force, it could be an energy, I don't know what.
00:13:37.000 I believe it's very possible there's something. 0.94
00:13:39.000 Yeah, I don't believe that there's a bearded man and wings and all that bullshit. 0.97
00:13:44.000 It'd be dope if there was, though. 0.93
00:13:46.000 Imagine that if you got up to heaven and you realized that it was all true.
00:13:49.000 That'd be amazing.
00:13:51.000 That's so crazy.
00:13:51.000 How is it possible?
00:13:52.000 I thought this was just a marketing thing.
00:13:53.000 I had no idea.
00:13:55.000 I just listened to Radiolab the other day about addiction, and they said that 95, or sorry, I'm going to start that over.
00:14:02.000 Of 100 people, if they started at AA on January 1st, as of December 31st of that year, only 5 would still be in the program.
00:14:12.000 Basically saying it doesn't work, but there's a lot of factors that could mean that or why that could happen because some people could start a different program, they could go to the meeting next door, but they're saying only 5% of people will stay in the program through some certain statistics. 0.97
00:14:28.000 That's a shit retention rate. 0.96
00:14:29.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:14:31.000 But that radio lab goes into this pill that can cure addiction, I think.
00:14:37.000 Well, they've had ibogaine forever.
00:14:39.000 Ibogaine is a drug that is from the aboga plant, and it's supposed to be fantastic for people that have heroin addiction, alcohol addiction, even addictive personality disorders, gambling problems, things along those lines.
00:14:52.000 It's supposed to be this ruthlessly introspective psychedelic experience that brutally breaks down Your pathways, your thinking pathways, and shows you why you keep going into this self-sabotage mode.
00:15:07.000 And it's apparently unbelievably uncomfortable to go through.
00:15:11.000 Psychologically, physically, it doesn't feel good.
00:15:14.000 But when it's over, the rate of retention, the retention of sobriety, the rate of sobriety that people retain afterwards is staggering.
00:15:24.000 It's like in the 80s, the high 80%.
00:15:26.000 It's better than anything.
00:15:27.000 Ruthlessly introspective, it sounds like a great name of a comedy album.
00:15:32.000 It does, right?
00:15:33.000 Yeah.
00:15:33.000 There's a treatment center on the 101. Because I passed by, and it looked like a college campus almost, and I was like, what the hell is that?
00:15:41.000 And I looked it up, and it's like a treatment center, like an inpatient, and you cut out everyone in your life kind of thing.
00:15:48.000 It's one of those, yeah, it's one of those, you're not allowed to talk to people for six months.
00:15:53.000 But when I looked it up, I found it on Google, and there were reviews.
00:15:57.000 And one of the reviews was of someone who was about to go into the treatment center, and he gave it one star.
00:16:02.000 Like, he was reviewing his own life.
00:16:05.000 Like, he was that messed up.
00:16:06.000 But he, like, reviewed, he's like, well, I'm about to take the journey, the first step to the journey of sobriety, and it was one star.
00:16:13.000 And I was like, I think you may have misunderstood how this rating system works, buddy. 0.99
00:16:17.000 You might be a dick. 1.00
00:16:18.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:16:18.000 How can you give something one star if you haven't even tried it? 1.00
00:16:21.000 I love when...
00:16:22.000 You ever just read Yelp reviews?
00:16:24.000 Yeah, I do, unfortunately.
00:16:25.000 I love...
00:16:26.000 I get mad at myself.
00:16:27.000 No, but I love when you learn more about the person than the restaurant.
00:16:30.000 Yeah, of course, yeah.
00:16:32.000 Like, there was one I saw in New York where this girl, like, she opens the review.
00:16:36.000 Like, so, I'm back dating again.
00:16:39.000 I'm like, that's not...
00:16:40.000 Tell me how the pasta is.
00:16:41.000 Yeah.
00:16:42.000 Like, I don't need to know, but she, like, uses it as her own blog.
00:16:45.000 It was fascinating. 0.99
00:16:45.000 That's good, though, because then you get to know, should I listen to this moron? 0.99
00:16:49.000 Let me see what they have to say about dating. 0.98
00:16:52.000 Why is it that men these days don't want to open up a car door, don't want to open up a door for a lady, get upset when you're expected to pay and don't understand that you do want your own career? 0.56
00:17:02.000 And as it turns out, the gnocchi was fantastic.
00:17:05.000 Yeah. 0.92
00:17:05.000 You're just annoying. 0.92
00:17:06.000 Yeah.
00:17:07.000 There's a lot of those.
00:17:08.000 I always go to someone's bad review, I always go to their page and see what they think about other stuff.
00:17:12.000 Yeah, just so you can figure out. 0.99
00:17:14.000 It's also tough, like, using Yelp sometimes in the middle of nowhere, that's really tough, because then you're like, these motherfuckers don't know sushi. 0.99
00:17:21.000 What do they know? 0.99
00:17:23.000 Sushi in South Dakota.
00:17:24.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:17:25.000 Where are you getting your fish, man?
00:17:27.000 Yeah.
00:17:30.000 Yeah.
00:17:31.000 Yelp is tricky.
00:17:33.000 It's like YouTube reviews and a lot of other things.
00:17:36.000 You're relying on random people.
00:17:38.000 If I call you up and I go, hey, Steve, what do you think about this?
00:17:42.000 Well, I know Steve's an intelligent guy.
00:17:43.000 He's going to give me a really nuanced, thought-out opinion of whatever we're discussing. 0.98
00:17:48.000 But if you don't know a person, you're just reading their type, their type could be, I mean, when they write things down, the printed word could be just as valid as some fucking psychopath's printed word. 0.96
00:18:00.000 I mean, you really don't know. 0.91
00:18:03.000 You gotta go deep, deep, deep into their paragraphs, and you gotta really try to... 0.99
00:18:10.000 Decipher like how fucking nuts is this person?
00:18:12.000 I have a theory I have a theory that the way we make online tolerable The way we make like you know online not be this you know just I guess Bastion for angry thought is everyone's not name, but everyone's job should bring parentheses So we know what people do for a living. 0.98
00:18:31.000 That would help.
00:18:32.000 And, like, how many stars your co-workers give you.
00:18:36.000 You should get your own Yelp review.
00:18:38.000 You get Yelped before you're allowed to Yelp.
00:18:40.000 You know, that guy with one star, I bet he gives out a half a star.
00:18:44.000 I bet all the people that work with him, they give him a half a star.
00:18:47.000 And he puts one star in for the drug review place and one star for his mom. 1.00
00:18:52.000 You fucked up, mom. 1.00
00:18:54.000 There was an app that came out that was like a Yelp for people. 1.00
00:18:58.000 And everyone got really upset.
00:19:00.000 Well, it was a Yelp for dating.
00:19:01.000 It was, oh, so it wasn't just, okay, because...
00:19:04.000 It was people you've dated.
00:19:06.000 Because I thought, I thought the idea, because there was, you know, the reviews of people and people getting upset, and I was like, the only people who would get upset at that are the people who know they're going to get two stars.
00:19:16.000 Well, it's people can just stalk you. 0.67
00:19:19.000 Someone who's like a shitty co-worker, who has it against you, can write a bunch of mean shit about you, and then every time you pull up your name... 1.00
00:19:26.000 You see this mean shit written against you. 0.98
00:19:28.000 Yeah, you need to I think for the way that to work for the way for that to work is you can only review someone if you both agree to review each other. 0.99
00:19:34.000 I was reading this thing about this guy who's getting stalked online by this other guy and they found the person and it was a 17 year old kid that was the son of one of his friends.
00:19:50.000 Geez.
00:19:57.000 Geez. 1.00
00:20:05.000 Just a total psychopath. 1.00
00:20:06.000 A kid. 0.99
00:20:08.000 A 17-year-old kid.
00:20:09.000 And it apparently had haunted this guy for a long time.
00:20:12.000 And he was trying to figure out who it was.
00:20:14.000 Then he hired someone.
00:20:15.000 It's pretty easy to find people once you hire someone who's an expert.
00:20:18.000 They found the kid, like, instantly.
00:20:20.000 And they realized it was this... 0.99
00:20:22.000 Fucking high school kid that was the son of one of his friends and they all had a sit down and they printed up all the stuff this kid had written for like a fucking year and handed it to him. 0.99
00:20:32.000 And the kids started crying and I don't know why I did it. 1.00
00:20:35.000 I got addicted to it.
00:20:37.000 I couldn't stop.
00:20:39.000 Addicted to it?
00:20:40.000 Well, you're playing a game.
00:20:42.000 Yeah.
00:20:43.000 You know, and if you're not there when the person is reacting, especially when you're 17 and your emotions, maybe they're not so complex or they're not so rather formed, they're not mature.
00:20:54.000 Yeah.
00:20:54.000 You're not maybe completely aware that every action has a reaction on the other end, whether you see it or not.
00:21:01.000 There's a...
00:21:03.000 You know that movie, The Button, or whatever it was, where, like, someone would, like, press a button and someone would die in the world?
00:21:09.000 I heard about that.
00:21:10.000 I never saw it.
00:21:11.000 I didn't either, but there was, I think it was an SNL sketch about it where they were, like, they explained the whole premise, or, like, you press this button and somewhere, someone in the world died, and the guy just hits the button.
00:21:22.000 And they're like, you didn't let us finish.
00:21:24.000 Like, we would give you a million dollars, and then he just hits it again.
00:21:27.000 Because we're that, like, inhuman and impersonal.
00:21:30.000 Like, if you just tell me that someone somewhere else in the world died, like, that doesn't really affect you.
00:21:36.000 Yeah, there's too many people anyway.
00:21:38.000 Yeah.
00:21:38.000 Hit the button, let's clear up the 405. Yeah, I guess it just depends on who.
00:21:42.000 Yeah, it's a...
00:21:43.000 If you don't feel it, it's like, that's the problem with drones, right?
00:21:47.000 Yeah.
00:21:48.000 I mean, they say that drone pilots...
00:21:50.000 What is this?
00:21:52.000 Oh, is that the...
00:21:53.000 They say that drone pilots suffer through a lot of, like, severe anxiety when they're done, and, like, it's apparently incredibly psychologically stressful because you're doing this weird thing where you're sort of sending this robot,
00:22:10.000 and they're doing it from Nevada, right?
00:22:12.000 And so the robots are in Afghanistan or Pakistan or...
00:22:17.000 Yemen or wherever the hell they are and they're launching missiles from these sky robots and It just feels so detached and creepy to the people that are doing it Well, it's the same I guess the same psychology of like why you're able to get into such credit card debt, 0.93
00:22:32.000 but you wouldn't do that with cash Because like you were you you see it as just some mythical thing right and then afterward you realize oh this is real and Would you be able to kill someone if you knew that they were a bad guy?
00:22:49.000 Yeah.
00:22:49.000 And would you feel bad about it?
00:22:51.000 No.
00:22:52.000 That's what I think, too.
00:22:53.000 Yeah, I don't think I would.
00:22:54.000 I mean, if some, like, Hitler character?
00:22:56.000 Yeah, I don't think I have a problem.
00:22:57.000 It doesn't necessarily have to be, you know, quite that bad.
00:22:59.000 Some murderer? 0.98
00:22:59.000 Some rapist? 0.98
00:22:59.000 I mean, you really went to the end of the scale immediately. 0.98
00:23:01.000 Yeah, that's how I like to go.
00:23:03.000 I'm an extremist.
00:23:04.000 I was going for, like, you know, just the idea of, like, someone is gonna kill someone that you care about.
00:23:11.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:23:11.000 And you kill that person. 0.99
00:23:13.000 Yeah. 0.80
00:23:13.000 Because there are all these, like, there's this trope in movies and TV about, you know, like, a cop shot someone that they had to shoot in the line of duty. 0.80
00:23:20.000 It wasn't, you know, like, just killing some kid.
00:23:22.000 It was, you know, shooting a bad guy, and then they have to go to therapy over it.
00:23:25.000 I feel like, yeah.
00:23:27.000 No.
00:23:28.000 Have you ever talked to, uh, soldiers about that?
00:23:31.000 I haven't.
00:23:31.000 The real PTSD with soldiers is things they can't control.
00:23:36.000 That's what really fucks with them.
00:23:37.000 Like worried about being attacked, worried about being blown up, worried about driving over an IED. The soldiers that are proactive, like Rangers, Navy SEALs, guys who go in and hunt people down, they don't have that much PTSD. They're different types of people.
00:23:53.000 I mean some of them have just been through crazy firefights, and they wake up with horrible nightmares, but a shocking amount of them realize they're doing the right thing, they have to do this, this needs to be done, and they're the man to do it.
00:24:06.000 Yeah.
00:24:07.000 And they're trained for it, this is their job, and they're all together, and they're like a family.
00:24:11.000 And they feel more superhero-esque.
00:24:13.000 Yeah.
00:24:14.000 So when you see like a guy, a cop in a movie that feels bad that he had to shoot a bad guy, that's like the writer.
00:24:20.000 That's the writer if the writer was a cop.
00:24:22.000 Yeah.
00:24:23.000 You know, or maybe a cop that maybe shouldn't be a cop, which there's definitely some of those out there.
00:24:28.000 Or a writer who shouldn't be a writer.
00:24:29.000 Yeah.
00:24:31.000 Well, you know, I mean, those movies, like, how many of these movies have, like, these, like, we're talking about the grooves that are carved in that some people have that get depressed very easily or behave really...
00:24:45.000 Like, really sad, really easily.
00:24:48.000 Like, those grooves, those psychic grooves that they think that they're supposed to behave like that, those are carved into tropes and storylines and plots, and there's so many plots, there's so many movies you watch, like, you didn't even write this, okay?
00:25:02.000 You knew what has already been written about these subjects, and you just sort of repeated it with different words.
00:25:08.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:25:08.000 Like, this isn't really a story you wrote, because this story has happened a fucking million times in movies. 0.96
00:25:14.000 Well, and it causes, those stories existing then cause people to act like that.
00:25:19.000 Yes!
00:25:19.000 Oh yeah!
00:25:20.000 One of the most fascinating interviews I ever saw was, you know, they interviewed the guy who was, you know, all the gangster movies in the 40s, the same, huh, same, like all that.
00:25:29.000 Yeah.
00:25:29.000 And they said, how did you get the accent so perfect?
00:25:32.000 And he said, I made that accent up.
00:25:34.000 And then all the gangsters wanted to be like the gangsters in the movies.
00:25:38.000 And so then all the gangsters started talking like that.
00:25:41.000 Because of that.
00:25:42.000 Because of those movies.
00:25:43.000 Like James Cagney?
00:25:44.000 Yeah.
00:25:45.000 Wow.
00:25:45.000 Like that was, they just told the act, like, they just started doing it.
00:25:49.000 Life imitates art, right?
00:25:51.000 Yeah.
00:25:51.000 And then it's, you know, it's, uh, and then people feel like, oh, well, this is normal.
00:25:56.000 Because that's what we're shown on television.
00:25:58.000 Well, that was the argument against gangster rap.
00:26:02.000 The argument was that they were forcing kids by, you know, making this music really popular.
00:26:08.000 They're forcing kids to accept this type of behavior as being normal and even exemplary. 1.00
00:26:14.000 Like, exemplary of a bad motherfucker. 1.00
00:26:16.000 You're shooting people and... 1.00
00:26:18.000 You ever go back and, like, listen to, like, the old N.W.A.? Oh, yeah.
00:26:22.000 I actually grew up...
00:26:23.000 So, I grew up in Queens, New York, and I was a big fan of old-school hip-hop.
00:26:28.000 Now, I didn't...
00:26:29.000 Like, I was never big into the NWA stuff.
00:26:31.000 I preferred, you know, the... 0.99
00:26:33.000 I preferred the lyrics about how great we are at rapping, not how many bitches we've killed. 1.00
00:26:37.000 Like, that was the... 0.99
00:26:38.000 That's kind of the line in the sand.
00:26:39.000 Who are your people?
00:26:40.000 Who'd you like?
00:26:41.000 Tribe Called Quest.
00:26:42.000 I was so sad when Fife died. 0.97
00:26:44.000 Yeah, that sucked. 0.98
00:26:45.000 Tribe.
00:26:46.000 Those guys are awesome.
00:26:47.000 Black Sheep.
00:26:48.000 Um...
00:26:50.000 I loved Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth.
00:26:52.000 Were you a De La Soul guy, too?
00:26:54.000 Yeah, De La Soul was great.
00:26:55.000 I got to meet, when I was 21, I think, I covered, I was in college during the Seinfeld send-off party, and the place where, like the Tom's Diner, where Monk's was based, the exterior shot, was like a block off my campus.
00:27:11.000 So I made up a fake press pass, and I went and I covered the party.
00:27:15.000 And I got to meet De La Soul was there, and it was like, it was so great.
00:27:18.000 That's nice.
00:27:19.000 Yeah.
00:27:19.000 You know what was a sad time for me, man?
00:27:21.000 When MC Search got his own daytime talk show.
00:27:24.000 Oh my god.
00:27:25.000 Third base.
00:27:26.000 I used to love third base.
00:27:27.000 That's the end of...
00:27:28.000 Pop goes the weasel, cause the weasel goes pop!
00:27:30.000 Mr. Grassl, my eye!
00:27:32.000 Someone hit my eye!
00:27:33.000 But if you watch the MC Search daytime talk show, you're like, this can't be real.
00:27:39.000 He's punking us.
00:27:40.000 This is a character he's playing.
00:27:42.000 He's doing that Joaquin Phoenix thing that Joaquin Phoenix did for a year.
00:27:46.000 It's that same sort of thing when all of a sudden all the adults were talking about the Facebook, and I'm like, well, Facebook's done now.
00:27:54.000 Right.
00:27:54.000 This isn't going to be fun anymore.
00:27:57.000 Well, MC Search is done, because he had the most preposterous daytime talk show.
00:28:03.000 Did you ever watch it?
00:28:04.000 I know.
00:28:04.000 I knew about it, but I never watched it.
00:28:06.000 Oh.
00:28:07.000 Oh.
00:28:08.000 Look at it.
00:28:09.000 Search!
00:28:10.000 And, you know, I mean, he's like, I'm a dad now.
00:28:14.000 But it's like, play the beginning of it, because the beginning of the show, see if you can find it, because the beginning of it is so fucking preposterous when he explains how we're going to keep it real. 0.61
00:28:25.000 We're keeping it real!
00:28:27.000 There's no such thing as that.
00:28:29.000 Like when people say we're keeping it real, that means they have no other words that they can think of.
00:28:33.000 It's madness.
00:28:34.000 It's a dangerous way of talking.
00:28:38.000 I did a bunch of extra work when I started out, which that's so much fun.
00:28:43.000 Oh my god, extra work is the best because you get to see just the worst in humanity right in front of you.
00:28:48.000 With extras?
00:28:49.000 A lot of them are crazy! 0.99
00:28:50.000 They're absolute just batshit. 1.00
00:28:52.000 Open mics too, right?
00:28:54.000 Extras between going back and forth from extra work to open mics?
00:28:57.000 That was my day.
00:28:59.000 I would just watch people desperately need attention and do nothing of quality to get it.
00:29:06.000 So there was this one woman, they put out the craft services, and this one woman goes up and she loads up like two plates and then is putting stuff in her purse also. 0.71
00:29:15.000 And she catches me looking at her.
00:29:17.000 And she just goes, I'm just keeping it real!
00:29:19.000 And I go, well, if you want to know what's real, they're going to refill this table later.
00:29:24.000 So you can just come get seconds.
00:29:27.000 She probably wanted food to take home, though. 0.60
00:29:29.000 Well, in the purse, I understand.
00:29:31.000 But it was like the start of a 14-hour day.
00:29:35.000 I was just keeping it real.
00:29:37.000 I'm like, that's not keeping it real.
00:29:38.000 Just say like, hey, I'm really poor and I'm hungry right now.
00:29:41.000 Like, but keeping it real.
00:29:42.000 Hey, stop staring at me, dude.
00:29:43.000 Yeah, also that.
00:29:44.000 But, you know, it was something to stare at.
00:29:46.000 It was very weird.
00:29:47.000 That's a minor infraction when you think about the world of extras and open micers.
00:29:52.000 In the paid furniture world.
00:29:53.000 That's one of the keeping it real things about the comedy store.
00:29:56.000 You're constantly around... 1.00
00:29:57.000 Crazy people. 0.99
00:29:58.000 Open micers, especially. 0.93
00:29:59.000 They're always hanging around, you know, because it's kind of like a hangout on top of being a club. 0.99
00:30:04.000 What's the craziest open mic shit you've seen? 0.99
00:30:07.000 Oh, God. 1.00
00:30:09.000 I mean, open mics are madness.
00:30:11.000 I mean, there's...
00:30:12.000 Because anybody can get on stage, and a lot of times...
00:30:14.000 One of the things about stand-up is that a lot of people don't see themselves the way other people see them.
00:30:22.000 Yeah.
00:30:22.000 And that gets exposed when you get on stage because you realize, oh, this is how people see me.
00:30:26.000 People see me as being an obnoxious, really annoying person that thinks they're funny.
00:30:32.000 I see myself as being this really funny person.
00:30:35.000 And then they have to work that out.
00:30:38.000 I mean, it's almost like...
00:30:41.000 A self-improvement course on communication skills.
00:30:44.000 Yeah.
00:30:45.000 Because you're brutally reminded of how poor your communication skills are when you don't get the laughs.
00:30:50.000 And you're like, God, what is wrong with my thoughts?
00:30:53.000 How come my friends think it's funny?
00:30:55.000 What is it that I... That's only someone who knows what's going on.
00:30:58.000 Right.
00:30:59.000 The crazy people are the ones that go, this crowd doesn't get me. 1.00
00:31:01.000 This crowd sucks. 1.00
00:31:02.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:31:02.000 This crowd's bullshit. 1.00
00:31:03.000 I mean, how many times have I heard that? 1.00
00:31:05.000 Just like every crowd I've ever played to. 1.00
00:31:07.000 They all suck. 0.99
00:31:07.000 None of them understand me. 0.99
00:31:09.000 This crowd's a bullshit, bro. 1.00
00:31:09.000 The worst thing we can have to one of those people is one day they'll just catch that magic wave where, you know, there's this one crowd where almost anyone can do well. 1.00
00:31:19.000 Yes.
00:31:20.000 There's these weird crowds that are just so good and so hyped up that someone with like really shitty skills can get up there and just make it happen.
00:31:29.000 And then they chase the ghosts of that performance forever.
00:31:32.000 Here's a great story that I've told before, unfortunately people have heard it, but Joey Diaz was The early days of the comedy show, there was this one woman who was insane. 0.97
00:31:40.000 I mean, completely insane.
00:31:42.000 There was nothing remotely funny about anything she ever had to say. 0.86
00:31:45.000 She was brutal. 0.99
00:31:46.000 And she would go up, and every time she would go up, everybody would have to get out of the room.
00:31:49.000 It was just like, what?
00:31:50.000 What is happening here?
00:31:51.000 How does she even get spots? 1.00
00:31:53.000 It was during the 90s.
00:31:55.000 When it was easier to get spots.
00:31:57.000 And so Joey Diaz goes backstage behind the OR. There's a curtain.
00:32:02.000 And he goes backstage and takes his pants off. 0.99
00:32:04.000 And every time she hits a punchline, he opens up the curtain and shows the crowd as balls. 0.99
00:32:11.000 He's got no pants on. 0.93
00:32:12.000 So every time she hits the punchlines, he's doing this.
00:32:16.000 And she's killing. 0.99
00:32:18.000 I mean, killing. 0.97
00:32:19.000 And you see the confident look in her face.
00:32:22.000 She has no idea what's going on behind her.
00:32:24.000 And the stride and her swagger. 0.94
00:32:26.000 And she hits those same punchlines! 0.97
00:32:28.000 And all of a sudden, Joey comes out with his balls and everybody's crying, laughing. 0.96
00:32:32.000 And she never knew. 0.98
00:32:34.000 She never knew.
00:32:35.000 She had no idea.
00:32:36.000 No one ever told her?
00:32:37.000 I don't think so.
00:32:38.000 If they did, she would have never believed it. 1.00
00:32:40.000 Bullshit! 1.00
00:32:40.000 I was killing! 1.00
00:32:41.000 Yeah. 0.97
00:32:42.000 Like, she was just insane.
00:32:44.000 I tell Young Comics that you don't exist in the world how you see yourself.
00:32:51.000 You exist in the world as the sum total of how everyone else sees you.
00:32:54.000 That's who you are.
00:32:56.000 Yeah.
00:32:56.000 And that's true on stage also.
00:32:58.000 You exist on that stage as the sum total of how the crowd sees you.
00:33:02.000 Right.
00:33:02.000 Your actions, what you wear, how you stand, how you speak, those can all determine that.
00:33:07.000 But your thoughts of how you want to be seen, the difference of how you see yourself and how everyone else sees you, that chasm is delusion.
00:33:15.000 And so the shorter that chasm, the more self-aware you're going to be, the funnier you can be.
00:33:20.000 The bigger that chasm, the more likely you're going to flip a table on a reality show.
00:33:25.000 Yes.
00:33:25.000 And that's the difference.
00:33:27.000 That's a very good point.
00:33:28.000 It's a very good way of putting it.
00:33:29.000 And it goes back to what we were talking about earlier, that stand-up in a lot of ways is almost like a vehicle for introspective observation.
00:33:37.000 You're almost forced to examine yourself in a way that very few people do, because people like...
00:33:42.000 To put up blinders, and that's why people like to drink.
00:33:45.000 You just kind of push it all away and ignore all the faults and press on.
00:33:50.000 And when you're doing stand-up, I mean, you really, you can't do that.
00:33:54.000 Because bombing is so unbelievably, brutally painful that you go, okay, that can't happen again.
00:34:00.000 If you know you bomb, though.
00:34:02.000 That's right.
00:34:03.000 So, when I was first living out here, I would hang out at, there were shows at Westwood Brew Co.
00:34:08.000 all the time.
00:34:09.000 I don't know if you ever did those Adam Hunter shows.
00:34:11.000 No, but I know Adam very well.
00:34:14.000 So I would hang out there all the time, and there was one night where a bunch of comics had done a show in Long Beach on the Queen Mary.
00:34:21.000 And one by one, they were all getting to Westwood, and every one of them, man, that show is terrible.
00:34:26.000 The Queen Mary's a boat, by the way.
00:34:28.000 Oh, yeah, not an actual queen.
00:34:29.000 Comedy on a giant boat.
00:34:30.000 Yeah, I guess if people are unfamiliar be like they all performed on this one lady and she's a queen? 0.90
00:34:36.000 What's she a queen of? 1.00
00:34:37.000 Well, it's on the it's not even like in a bar called the Queen Mary It's on the Queen Mary.
00:34:41.000 What are they talking about?
00:34:42.000 Yeah, they just standing on this lady named Mary and so one by one they would all show up and they'd be like there were like 12 people there and it was a nightmare and Everyone is talking about how shitty it was and how everybody bombed and the night was terrible Then one comic gets there and doesn't know that everyone had already done that and the first thing he does he Yeah,
00:34:59.000 I just got back from Long Beach, man.
00:35:00.000 I crushed that.
00:35:01.000 That was such a great show.
00:35:02.000 Everybody was going nuts and just going on and on about how great it was.
00:35:06.000 And the rest of us are just being like, oh, you've never killed.
00:35:09.000 Because if you think that that was killing, you've never killed.
00:35:13.000 You've never had a good show if you don't understand what that feels like.
00:35:16.000 Or you just lie and tell everybody all the time you have good shows.
00:35:19.000 But it's terrible delusion.
00:35:20.000 Yeah, well, maybe he just doesn't understand himself.
00:35:24.000 You know, I mean, how many guys have you met like that, that, like, are that around girls?
00:35:29.000 Or around a job opportunity?
00:35:31.000 That's true.
00:35:32.000 They think that they're way more qualified for something than they are.
00:35:34.000 Like, I'm gonna go get this vice president job, bro.
00:35:37.000 I'm gonna go get it, I'm gonna run. 0.99
00:35:38.000 There's a lot of people who are just completely crazy. 0.97
00:35:41.000 Yeah. 0.87
00:35:41.000 Well, there's the... 0.87
00:35:42.000 I like to tell people, you know, follow your dreams unless your dreams are stupid. 1.00
00:35:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:35:46.000 That's good advice. 1.00
00:35:47.000 Because if you...
00:35:48.000 Like, if you quit your job to work at American... 1.00
00:35:51.000 Like, to audition for American Idol, and you've never, ever been paid to sing anywhere, you're a fucking idiot. 1.00
00:35:56.000 Well, American Idol's a really good example. 1.00
00:35:59.000 Because if you watch that show, the best part about that show is the beginning, where you're just watching mental illness. 0.87
00:36:04.000 Yeah.
00:36:06.000 They should call it mental illness slash shreds of talent. 0.98
00:36:12.000 American illness?
00:36:13.000 Yeah, for every one person that you get that gets through the entire...
00:36:17.000 Who's the big name stars that have gone through American Isles?
00:36:21.000 Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood.
00:36:23.000 Those two are huge. 0.94
00:36:25.000 And there's the guy who went a little crazy, the young country music gay guy. 0.90
00:36:29.000 Clay Aiken? 0.91
00:36:30.000 Yeah.
00:36:30.000 What happened to him?
00:36:31.000 I was actually in his True Hollywood Story.
00:36:34.000 I'm glad you said True Hollywood Story, because if you said House the other night...
00:36:38.000 No, I was just...
00:36:39.000 And he was the guy who got me Violently Heal!
00:36:43.000 Clay Aiken drugged me.
00:36:44.000 I was making fun of him to a producer on the show.
00:36:47.000 Oh boy.
00:36:48.000 Like, she just told me that she was working on that show.
00:36:50.000 Right.
00:36:50.000 And I was just like, it was a friend of mine, I was like, what are you up to?
00:36:53.000 She's telling me she's working on the show, and she goes, yeah, you know, we're doing research on, he used to be a choir boy.
00:36:58.000 And I just go, oh, so he started out with hymns and never quite made it to hers?
00:37:01.000 And then she just goes, you want to be on the show?
00:37:04.000 I was like, what?
00:37:05.000 That line actually got cut by the lawyers.
00:37:08.000 What?!
00:37:08.000 Yeah, I had five jokes that were in the script, and three of the five of them got cut by the lawyers.
00:37:14.000 Fucking lawyers, man. 0.99
00:37:15.000 That's why lawyers, you can't have podcasts. 1.00
00:37:18.000 No, you can't. 1.00
00:37:19.000 You're not allowed, you fucks. 1.00
00:37:20.000 Like a lawyer podcast? 1.00
00:37:22.000 They can't come on them.
00:37:23.000 You can't have a lawyer telling you what you can and can't say about podcasts.
00:37:26.000 You're just not allowed.
00:37:27.000 Because this is the last place.
00:37:29.000 This is the last bastion of free speech.
00:37:31.000 And as far as just expressing yourself in conversation, there's the only one left.
00:37:37.000 They're easily tricked, though.
00:37:39.000 I used to be a segment producer on a show, and we would always put in stuff we didn't want to use, so that they could come in the room and be like, no, no, no, you have to take that out, you have to take that out, and then leave in the thing that we thought they would take out. 0.68
00:37:52.000 Well, I'm sure you've seen the scene in Team America World Police, where the sex scene between the two puppets, they made, like, ten minutes longer than they wanted it to be, where he shits on her chest, or she shits on his chest, they pee on each other.
00:38:06.000 Why not both? 0.99
00:38:07.000 They went nuts.
00:38:08.000 And the reason why they did it was because they could cut some of it and it would still be preposterous, which it wound up being.
00:38:14.000 Yeah.
00:38:15.000 But that's a common strategy.
00:38:18.000 We did that in the 90s with news radio. 0.98
00:38:20.000 We had an episode of news radio where Phil Hartman said penis on the air on the radio show. 0.99
00:38:26.000 And then through the episode, he said penis like 20 times. 0.99
00:38:31.000 And they were like, you can't say penis more than eight times. 0.98
00:38:35.000 And they were like, eight times? 0.98
00:38:36.000 Yeah, who makes that? 1.00
00:38:37.000 Yeah, it's fucking assholes. 1.00
00:38:39.000 Assholes. 1.00
00:38:39.000 Assholes who decide what America is willing or not willing to tolerate. 1.00
00:38:43.000 You just said assholes four times. 1.00
00:38:44.000 Yeah, I'm crazy. 1.00
00:38:45.000 I'm a rebel, bro.
00:38:46.000 I think it was four times.
00:38:47.000 But they didn't air it.
00:38:50.000 So it didn't air.
00:38:51.000 They didn't air the episode at all.
00:38:52.000 No, it had to air in like season two or three.
00:38:55.000 Like whatever season it was.
00:38:57.000 Maybe it was season two.
00:38:58.000 I don't remember what season it was.
00:38:59.000 But it had to air like the next season or the season later.
00:39:02.000 And like we were told, hey, the penis episode's airing tonight.
00:39:05.000 And we were all like, what? 0.98
00:39:06.000 What?
00:39:07.000 That never aired. 0.98
00:39:08.000 I love so much that there's something called the penis episode. 0.98
00:39:11.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:39:12.000 By the way, good bad name. 0.99
00:39:13.000 The penis episode? 0.99
00:39:14.000 Yeah, it's a good bad name. 0.99
00:39:15.000 That would totally play at the whiskey. 0.99
00:39:18.000 Yeah, like a fucking punk band? 1.00
00:39:20.000 The penis episode? 1.00
00:39:20.000 Yeah, the penis episode. 1.00
00:39:21.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:39:23.000 It's part of the patriarchy.
00:39:25.000 Yeah, I think that...
00:39:28.000 I used to call it March of the Penguins, because all the suits would come down the hallway and try to ruin our art.
00:39:34.000 But the idea that someone goes... 0.99
00:39:36.000 Well, it says specifically, eight times you can say penis. 0.98
00:39:39.000 It's so arbitrary. 0.95
00:39:40.000 It's totally arbitrary, and there's no rules anywhere.
00:39:42.000 What happens on the ninth time?
00:39:44.000 Like, Beetlejuice comes out?
00:39:44.000 Yeah, everybody dies.
00:39:45.000 Penis juice comes out? 1.00
00:39:47.000 Satan comes through the floor. 0.57
00:39:48.000 There's a way to do art, and it's definitely not by having a bunch of people that have money invested in it, looking around it, going, okay, how can we maximize this?
00:39:59.000 How can we make this as sellable as possible?
00:40:02.000 That's just the opposite of the kind of mentality that you need to make something good.
00:40:08.000 And just like you were talking about with...
00:40:11.000 Comedy where people don't see themselves if you don't see yourself how other people see you It's not gonna work and it won't be funny.
00:40:17.000 Well, that's kind of the same thing with art if you produce a television show or whatever it is and People don't enjoy it.
00:40:24.000 Well, it won't go anywhere.
00:40:26.000 It'll fall off and then it's not good anymore But to have someone come in and say oh You got to do this and you got to do that because we know better because we're the ones with the money that never works But every time every time I think that I remember that According to Jim had over a hundred episodes.
00:40:43.000 Over 100 episodes.
00:40:44.000 But there's a style of comedy.
00:40:46.000 Jag had over 100 episodes?
00:40:47.000 I remember Jag.
00:40:48.000 Jag was on while I was on news radio. 0.99
00:40:50.000 We were always like, what in the fuck is going on? 0.99
00:40:53.000 How is that a real show? 0.99
00:40:55.000 If you ever watched that show, nobody watched that show.
00:40:57.000 And the people that did watch that show, it's like they were sedated.
00:41:00.000 It's like it's a hum under which subliminal messages were played in the background about Bush being a great president or something. 0.99
00:41:07.000 It didn't make any fucking sense. 0.96
00:41:10.000 It didn't make any sense that it stayed on the air. 0.98
00:41:12.000 Do you watch any of the CSIs or any of those?
00:41:15.000 No!
00:41:15.000 Oh, you know what?
00:41:16.000 The one I'm thinking of?
00:41:17.000 NCIS. No!
00:41:18.000 So, I saw an episode the other day.
00:41:21.000 I get transfixed with bad television.
00:41:24.000 Like, I never put it on purpose, but if, like, someone, if I'm, like, in a hotel room or something, I flip it on or whatever it is, like, it takes me a little to just shake it off because I just want to be like, how is this made?
00:41:33.000 How is this possible, you know?
00:41:35.000 And so, I was watching it and I was thinking, like, the comedy in it was so bad.
00:41:39.000 Like, the jokes were so terrible that I almost wondered, you know how they hire people for punch-up?
00:41:44.000 Yeah.
00:41:44.000 Do they hire people for punch-down?
00:41:46.000 Like, do they hire people to be like, water down these good jokes?
00:41:49.000 Well, that's that Chuck Lorre guy.
00:41:50.000 He knows how to do them.
00:41:51.000 He knows how to do that drone.
00:41:53.000 That...
00:41:55.000 That one style of comedy, like Two and a Half Men.
00:41:58.000 Yeah.
00:41:59.000 He did a bunch of those.
00:42:00.000 The white noise machine.
00:42:01.000 He just does those things like...
00:42:03.000 For people that are all just exhausted from eating carbs and sugar all day, and they're just sitting in the couch just melting. 0.99
00:42:13.000 And then the dumbest fucking humor plays out in front of them, and it's just enough to keep them paying attention so they watch those Toyota commercials. 0.99
00:42:21.000 I was, you know, very often I wonder about like, how does this get made? 1.00
00:42:26.000 How is this?
00:42:27.000 Why does anybody like this?
00:42:28.000 Etc.
00:42:29.000 And I was at like some truck stop in the middle of nowhere, just getting gas and getting food.
00:42:34.000 And there's a TV playing.
00:42:37.000 There's like a little lunch counter.
00:42:38.000 There's a TV playing and there's a commercial.
00:42:40.000 And there's this guy running around.
00:42:43.000 It's for blinds.
00:42:45.000 But this guy is running around.
00:42:46.000 He, like, tries to open his blinds.
00:42:48.000 It kind of has nothing to do with it.
00:42:49.000 And then he runs outside, and he gets stung by a bunch of bees, and he's, like, fighting them off. 0.99
00:42:53.000 And I'm sitting there thinking, like, oh, what the fuck? 1.00
00:42:55.000 Who the fuck would do... 1.00
00:42:56.000 I can write commercials. 1.00
00:42:57.000 Like, who would do the...
00:42:57.000 And there's a dude sitting next to me, just going, he's...
00:43:01.000 he can't get away from the bees!
00:43:03.000 Like, just out loud to no one.
00:43:04.000 To no one!
00:43:05.000 Just be like, there are the bees all over him!
00:43:07.000 The bees are all over him!
00:43:09.000 And I'm just like, this is who it's for.
00:43:11.000 I was at my friend's house once.
00:43:14.000 And her friend and her mom was over, and they were watching some Spider-Man movie, and Spider-Man got bit by a spider, and she just goes, he got bit by a spider.
00:43:26.000 I'll never forget that.
00:43:29.000 I just never forget her going, he got bit by a spider.
00:43:33.000 I gotta get out of here.
00:43:34.000 Do you think the rest of us didn't see that?
00:43:37.000 Just like you can buy a Prius, or you can buy a Shelby GT500. One has 100 horsepower, one has 500 horsepower.
00:43:50.000 Brains are like that too.
00:43:51.000 They just have to be.
00:43:52.000 There's just no doubt about it.
00:43:54.000 And there's a lot of those little Prius brains out there, man.
00:43:57.000 And if you put on a show for Prius brains, you will attract them like metal to a magnet.
00:44:03.000 Just...
00:44:05.000 They find it.
00:44:06.000 The Duck Dynasty shows.
00:44:08.000 You ever watch Duck Dynasty?
00:44:09.000 I have thankfully not even seen a clip. 0.99
00:44:11.000 You should fucking watch it for sure. 0.98
00:44:13.000 Just to understand that there's people like that out there that look forward to it. 0.99
00:44:16.000 I got the DVR set.
00:44:18.000 You know, I heard what today they're gonna do shoot some ducks.
00:44:20.000 You wanna shoot some ducks?
00:44:21.000 There's a duck show! 0.65
00:44:23.000 There's a duck, and they shoot...
00:44:24.000 They don't even shoot...
00:44:25.000 They hardly shoot ducks. 1.00
00:44:26.000 The show is more about, like, horrible people hanging out, doing really boring shit. 1.00
00:44:32.000 And they'd be, oh, they're all down home. 0.99
00:44:35.000 They're down home.
00:44:36.000 They're country.
00:44:37.000 Well, that's why the people who...
00:44:41.000 Like, when the people say, like, oh, you know, I voted for Bush, because I can... 1.00
00:44:45.000 You know, he reminded me of me, and I was like, well, then you're a fucking asshole also. 1.00
00:44:49.000 Like, you're also... 1.00
00:44:50.000 They like to think he reminded them of them.
00:44:52.000 Yeah.
00:44:52.000 Yeah, was your dad a multi-millionaire?
00:44:54.000 Did you grow up in Maine and pretend you're from Texas?
00:44:56.000 Like, what about him?
00:44:57.000 Yeah.
00:44:57.000 What about it?
00:44:58.000 The fact your dad...
00:44:59.000 Was your dad in the CIA, too?
00:45:00.000 Well, you see that with Trump now, where people are like, oh, he reminds me of me, and I'm just like, he's the furthest thing from you.
00:45:07.000 He's the...
00:45:08.000 I grew up in New York City, and so, like, I remember...
00:45:11.000 I was a kid when it happened, but I remember the Center Park Jogger when Trump took out four full-page ads in different newspapers calling for the death penalty for these black kids who didn't even do it.
00:45:22.000 And he was just inciting a riot, basically.
00:45:25.000 He was just trying to race bait and get attention.
00:45:28.000 And, like, that's the guy I remember.
00:45:30.000 I don't relate to that guy.
00:45:32.000 Yeah, he's a real tough guy to relate to.
00:45:35.000 I don't think people really do relate to him.
00:45:37.000 I think what they relate to is the possibility that he may win, and they like to be on the camp of a winner. 0.82
00:45:41.000 So, like a football team that they can get behind, they don't really give a shit about the players, they just decide, we're gonna win. 0.99
00:45:47.000 We're fucking winning. 0.99
00:45:48.000 We're winning. 0.99
00:45:49.000 We're Trump.
00:45:50.000 Trump's winning.
00:45:51.000 I'm Trump.
00:45:53.000 I'm winning. 1.00
00:45:54.000 All those dickheads. 0.99
00:45:55.000 Yeah, but they also say the things like, you know, like he speaks like I do. 0.99
00:45:59.000 I'm like, that's, I don't want a president who speaks like I do.
00:46:03.000 I'm a fairly intelligent guy.
00:46:04.000 I want my president to be way smarter than me.
00:46:06.000 I would like a really articulate Obama type guy, but that didn't work out.
00:46:10.000 The Obama-type guy was what we were hoping for. 0.99
00:46:14.000 When Bush was in office, Obama was like, the fucking recipe, man. 1.00
00:46:19.000 We want a black guy who's super articulate, really intelligent, and we're going to relax everybody with all this race bullshit. 1.00
00:46:27.000 Clearly, it has nothing to do with race. 0.99
00:46:29.000 It's about culture and circumstances and where you're growing up.
00:46:32.000 Look at this guy. 0.95
00:46:32.000 He's black. 0.95
00:46:33.000 He's smarter than all of us. 0.99
00:46:34.000 We're good!
00:46:35.000 Look, he's liberal.
00:46:36.000 He's gonna fix everything.
00:46:37.000 He's gonna relax everybody.
00:46:38.000 He doesn't want Guantanamo Bay.
00:46:40.000 He wants to get us out of Iraq. 0.84
00:46:41.000 We made it through this Bush thing.
00:46:44.000 Civilization didn't collapse. 1.00
00:46:45.000 And then he's in office and it's kind of the same shit. 1.00
00:46:48.000 He talks better, but it's kind of the same shit is going on. 1.00
00:46:51.000 I think the biggest problem is that he's too reasonable. 0.99
00:46:55.000 Like, he's too reasonable, and the people who disagree with him are being completely unreasonable.
00:47:00.000 And you can't just be like, well, let's look at both sides. 0.96
00:47:02.000 If one side is being a dick, you don't look at both. 0.89
00:47:05.000 It's like CNN will do that, where they're like, well, let's present both sides of this argument. 0.99
00:47:08.000 Here's one person against pedophilia, so let's talk to someone who's for pedophilia.
00:47:11.000 And it's like, no!
00:47:12.000 Don't give that guy airtime! 0.82
00:47:14.000 Don't ever talk to that guy! 0.95
00:47:16.000 So the people who want to take rights away, and who want to convince poor people to vote against their own best interests...
00:47:24.000 Like, don't give them equal time, but they do.
00:47:26.000 Well, the problem is you're dealing with right and left.
00:47:30.000 And then, again, people get really tribal.
00:47:34.000 Yeah.
00:47:34.000 When they're on a team, they get super tribal.
00:47:36.000 Like, I've told this before, but it always struck me as being really bizarre.
00:47:41.000 I was with a buddy of mine who's a writer, and he was talking about the election.
00:47:45.000 He's like, we have to win in Idaho.
00:47:47.000 If we win in Idaho or Iowa, if we win in Iowa, we've got it wrapped up.
00:47:51.000 I was like, what is this we? 1.00
00:47:52.000 What is this we shit? 1.00
00:47:54.000 It's like the Democrats. 1.00
00:47:54.000 I'm like, okay, you're on a team, right? 1.00
00:47:56.000 You're on a team.
00:47:58.000 This is the Mariners.
00:47:59.000 This is the Mariners versus the Raiders.
00:48:02.000 You got this weird team mentality.
00:48:04.000 And I think that's entirely one of the things that is real comfortable for people to fall into when it comes to elections.
00:48:11.000 And it's one of the reasons why I think we need way more parties.
00:48:15.000 At least that way we'll have more teams. 0.90
00:48:18.000 Because this two-team option is like, if every fucking year it was the Celtics versus the Lakers in the NBA Finals, wouldn't you be tired of that after a while? 0.90
00:48:28.000 Well, that's, I think, how America feels about the election. 0.84
00:48:30.000 That's why the ratings are down.
00:48:32.000 That's why people aren't really paying attention that much.
00:48:34.000 That's why people are so frustrated by the choices.
00:48:37.000 You can't have just two choices.
00:48:39.000 Well, I used to be, you know, I'm very politically minded and active, and I used to do a lot of, like, everybody should go out and vote.
00:48:46.000 And then I'd talk to more and more people, and then I'm just like, not everybody.
00:48:50.000 Yeah, well, it would be nice if we didn't have a representative government.
00:48:56.000 It would be nice, first of all, if you didn't have superdelegates.
00:49:00.000 What is that?
00:49:01.000 What do you mean you don't have to vote for the people that your state votes for?
00:49:05.000 Superdelegates were basically to keep Jesse Jackson out of office.
00:49:08.000 Really?
00:49:09.000 That's how they started.
00:49:11.000 Yeah, when Jesse Jackson was starting to get some heat, and I think it was 1980, suddenly, there was 80 or 84, I forget, but it was suddenly superdelegates came out.
00:49:20.000 Good job, superdelegates. 1.00
00:49:22.000 Get that fucking demon out of the White House. 1.00
00:49:24.000 Not only superdelegates, though, but even the delegates of the Electoral College, they don't have to vote. 1.00
00:49:41.000 Whoa! 0.71
00:49:49.000 And like, you can actually, if you're, now obviously, people wouldn't do it for the most part because you'd think, oh well then they'll lose the ability to do it and that's all the little power they have in their life is to be a delegate at this convention.
00:49:58.000 But the fact of the matter is that like, New York State can vote 100% for a Democrat and then the Electoral College can go and just vote for a Republican.
00:50:08.000 It can just, they can do it if they want to.
00:50:10.000 Or vote for a different Democrat.
00:50:11.000 They can write someone in if they want to.
00:50:13.000 It's a ridiculous idea that was conceived back when you couldn't communicate with people easily.
00:50:17.000 It's that simple.
00:50:19.000 The point of it was that not everyone was qualified to vote because you didn't hear things.
00:50:25.000 And so they would be like, well, here's the representative government.
00:50:28.000 They'll learn from what their people want, and then they'll take that over there. 0.99
00:50:31.000 And it was a wonderful idea. 0.99
00:50:32.000 And now it's bullshit. 1.00
00:50:34.000 Yeah, it's ridiculous. 1.00
00:50:35.000 And it's time is gone. 0.88
00:50:36.000 I mean, if we, this is a point that I always bring up.
00:50:40.000 If we didn't have a system of government in place, we had all these people, we all just woke up today, who would say we need one person to run it?
00:50:46.000 No one.
00:50:47.000 Who would say that we need one person to be a representative of the state because the people can't tell everybody?
00:50:53.000 No, well, you have email now.
00:50:54.000 We have Twitter.
00:50:55.000 We have Facebook.
00:50:56.000 We have polls.
00:50:57.000 There's ways to find out what people want and people don't want.
00:51:00.000 Representative government in 2016 is like writing with feathers. 1.00
00:51:04.000 It's like some old stupid shit that we don't need anymore. 1.00
00:51:07.000 We should make them write with feathers. 1.00
00:51:09.000 We should. 1.00
00:51:09.000 Make them wear powdered wigs, too, those fucks. 1.00
00:51:11.000 Yeah, be like, you want this office? 1.00
00:51:13.000 Well, it comes with a couple of things.
00:51:14.000 Yeah, I mean, if you want to be, like, one of those people, you should dress like one of those people that invented it.
00:51:19.000 Then there'd be no Hillary email scandal, because it would just be, like, maybe she wrote on the wrong kind of parchment. 0.96
00:51:24.000 Yeah, she wrote on actual animal skins and said, we don't do that anymore, Hillary. 1.00
00:51:29.000 You're doing old school.
00:51:30.000 She's doing old school with her non-encrypted email, right?
00:51:33.000 Yeah.
00:51:33.000 Have you talked about, I assume you've talked about the gorilla already?
00:51:37.000 Yeah.
00:51:37.000 Yeah, we kind of talked about it a little, did we?
00:51:39.000 I think we did. 1.00
00:51:40.000 Yeah, it's fucked up. 0.99
00:51:41.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:51:42.000 It's fucked up for the zoo. 1.00
00:51:43.000 The zoo fucked up. 1.00
00:51:44.000 You shouldn't make it so goddamn easy to get in the gorilla tank. 1.00
00:51:47.000 Yeah. 0.50
00:51:48.000 So, on this one, I don't know exactly what happened on this one, because I'm trying to kind of block it out.
00:51:53.000 I saw the whole thing.
00:51:55.000 So, the kid...
00:51:56.000 Kid fell in.
00:51:57.000 Was it like a kid falling in where the parent was at fault, or was it a kid doing something they shouldn't have done?
00:52:02.000 Well, the kid was doing something it shouldn't have done, but the parents weren't watching the kid.
00:52:06.000 Yeah.
00:52:06.000 Look, the zoo made it way too easy to get into the gorilla enclosure.
00:52:09.000 The kid got through the fence, fell down into this water.
00:52:14.000 The gorilla came in, scooped up the kid, arguably saved the kid.
00:52:17.000 Yeah.
00:52:19.000 Was handling it in a way that it could handle a gorilla baby, but a human baby, you just rip the arms off the kid. 1.00
00:52:26.000 It could really hurt it.
00:52:28.000 And I just don't think a gorilla is even aware of how fragile a three-year-old human being is.
00:52:35.000 Have you ever had a three-year-old chimp or a three-year-old gorilla near you?
00:52:39.000 I can't say I've ever had that experience.
00:52:41.000 I was on a TV show, it was on news radio, and they brought in a chimp for a scene, and this two-year-old chimp with diaper on was like, I was holding it, and it was beating on me, it was like hitting me in the back, like playing around with me. 0.93
00:52:54.000 They're unbelievably strong, and sinewy, like a little tiny bodybuilder.
00:52:59.000 Like, they don't feel like a baby.
00:53:01.000 Like, I have little kids.
00:53:02.000 And when you pick up a little kid, they're all soft and they feel like little kids.
00:53:05.000 They're mushy.
00:53:06.000 This chimp was not mushy.
00:53:09.000 And I think this gorilla probably had no idea how to handle a baby softly.
00:53:15.000 Or a toddler.
00:53:16.000 Really didn't know.
00:53:17.000 And they panicked and then they shot the gorilla.
00:53:19.000 But it seems to me that there's got to be a better way to do that. 1.00
00:53:23.000 But I could see the parents being like, fuck that gorilla. 1.00
00:53:26.000 Shoot it. 1.00
00:53:26.000 Shoot it. 1.00
00:53:27.000 I want my kid back. 1.00
00:53:28.000 Yeah, but I could see the gorilla being like, fuck those parents. 1.00
00:53:30.000 Yeah, but I like people more than I like gorillas. 1.00
00:53:32.000 I do, and I love your joke about team people.
00:53:35.000 Yeah.
00:53:35.000 It's, it's, I mean, it's a bit I enjoy, but there was a, there, so there's a bit I used to do, there was a story in Chicago, like, 15 years ago, where a woman was holding her baby over a gorilla.
00:53:47.000 Oh, yeah, I remember.
00:53:48.000 Like holding it straight up and then drop the baby and on that one the gorilla saved the kid and picked it up and And kept until the zookeeper could give it back to the mother.
00:53:56.000 Yeah, and the joke I used to do is be like I'm sorry give it back Like at that point a gorilla is a better parent than the person who once you voluntarily dangle your baby over a wild animal It's that's you giving of the baby away.
00:54:09.000 Well, we've been made it way too easy for people to survive People survive with very little adversity.
00:54:15.000 Yeah We survive with...
00:54:17.000 It's easy access to food, easy access to employment.
00:54:20.000 If you get fired, you get to sue.
00:54:23.000 If you're incompetent completely, you can claim that you were harassed at work.
00:54:27.000 There's so many loopholes, and we're so nerfed.
00:54:32.000 Every sharp edge is covered with foam, and everyone's wearing a helmet.
00:54:36.000 The nerfing of America.
00:54:37.000 Yeah.
00:54:37.000 And this is what we've got left.
00:54:39.000 We've got these fucking idiots. 1.00
00:54:40.000 We've got a bunch of really dumb people that are allowed to fuck and have kids. 1.00
00:54:45.000 And you can't stop people from having kids, because then someone could try to stop you. 1.00
00:54:49.000 Well, I don't like your belief, Steve Hofstetter. 0.99
00:54:51.000 You're a crazy liberal. 0.96
00:54:52.000 You think you should be able to have a nation that's not under God? 1.00
00:54:57.000 And you're going to raise your children without God?
00:54:59.000 That's child abuse! 1.00
00:55:01.000 Were you at my show the other day?
00:55:02.000 No, I could have been.
00:55:03.000 I've been to many shows.
00:55:06.000 I just think human beings need a certain amount of adversity.
00:55:12.000 We need a certain amount of difficulty to overcome, to learn those lessons, to filter that experience down into your behavior. 0.97
00:55:18.000 And when you don't learn those lessons and you just live this muted, nerfed up world, then you're holding your fucking baby over the gorilla tank because you're getting a little thrill. 0.99
00:55:28.000 I can't believe I'm doing this! 0.99
00:55:29.000 I'm holding the baby!
00:55:31.000 I love the baby, but I like gorillas too! 0.99
00:55:33.000 And whoops, I'm dumb. 1.00
00:55:35.000 I drop the baby just like you drop your cell phone, just like you drop your keys in a fucking drainage ditch. 1.00
00:55:40.000 You're a dummy. 1.00
00:55:41.000 You drop shit. 1.00
00:55:42.000 You're a stupid fuck. 1.00
00:55:43.000 You're not supposed to be alive. 1.00
00:55:44.000 You should have been eaten by wolves hundreds of years ago.
00:55:46.000 If the world was safe, you would have been the one who walked off the trail. 0.78
00:55:50.000 I'm gonna go find a better way to the castle!
00:55:52.000 And the wolves would have eaten you and no one would have heard from you.
00:55:55.000 And that's what's supposed to happen to those kinds of people.
00:55:58.000 It is.
00:55:58.000 It's supposed to happen.
00:55:59.000 Darwin, big fan.
00:56:00.000 Big fan of Darwin.
00:56:01.000 Big fan.
00:56:01.000 He had some good ideas.
00:56:02.000 Chris Bowers, I don't know if you know him, he's a comic out of, oh, you've worked Morty's.
00:56:07.000 Yes.
00:56:08.000 In Indianapolis?
00:56:09.000 Yeah, Chris and I are two of the owners.
00:56:11.000 Oh, you guys own Morty's?
00:56:12.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:56:13.000 No shit! 0.99
00:56:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:56:14.000 What a great club.
00:56:15.000 Thank you.
00:56:15.000 That's awesome, man.
00:56:16.000 It's even better.
00:56:16.000 We have a new location now.
00:56:17.000 Oh, no shit. 0.99
00:56:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:56:18.000 You guys moved? 0.99
00:56:19.000 Yeah, we have like Balcony and everything now.
00:56:21.000 It's great.
00:56:22.000 It looks like a small theater.
00:56:24.000 Oh, that's terrific, man.
00:56:25.000 That was a great club.
00:56:26.000 Yeah, that was a fun one.
00:56:27.000 Everybody loves that place.
00:56:29.000 That's cool, though.
00:56:29.000 I didn't know you owned that place.
00:56:30.000 Yeah.
00:56:30.000 Good for you.
00:56:31.000 You fucking entrepreneur. 1.00
00:56:32.000 Thank you. 1.00
00:56:33.000 Well, so Bowers has a great theory where, you know, the way to, I guess, prevent the stupid people in the overpopulation is if everyone is basically sterilized and you have to take something in order to be able to be pregnant... 0.94
00:56:48.000 But the only way you get that pill is you have to take that pill every day. 0.98
00:56:52.000 You don't take a pill to stop yourself from being pregnant. 0.97
00:56:54.000 You take a pill to get yourself pregnant. 0.99
00:56:56.000 So you have to take that pill.
00:56:57.000 Both partners would have to take that pill every day for six months. 0.73
00:57:01.000 Because if you can't commit to taking a pill every day for six months, you can't raise a kid.
00:57:06.000 Yeah, but it's so easy for people to just do that. 0.99
00:57:09.000 That's not enough of a fucking task. 0.97
00:57:11.000 It's a start. 0.99
00:57:12.000 It should be like one of those crows have to get a crumb out of a tube, and they have to use one tool to get the other tool to get the third tool in order to get the food.
00:57:22.000 That's how it should be. 0.98
00:57:23.000 It's too fucking easy to just take a pill. 0.98
00:57:25.000 You should have to do a puzzle. 0.98
00:57:26.000 Every day they should give you a puzzle.
00:57:28.000 And if you fail the puzzle, you don't get a pill.
00:57:30.000 So you get six months of correct answers to puzzles to get your pills.
00:57:35.000 That's the only way you should be able to get your pills.
00:57:37.000 I think that's how Chipotle gave away a free burrito once on their annual anniversary. 0.98
00:57:42.000 If they did it that way for people, the fucking 405 would be a breeze. 0.99
00:57:47.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:57:47.000 It would be nobody. 0.99
00:57:48.000 It would just be a couple people waving at each other.
00:57:50.000 We made it!
00:57:51.000 You ever watch period piece television where they run into people they know?
00:57:57.000 Like on Mad Men, they would always run into people at the restaurant that they would know.
00:58:01.000 And part of me is like, oh, well, that's convenient.
00:58:03.000 And then I'm like, no, no, there are fewer people.
00:58:05.000 There were way fewer people then.
00:58:07.000 Way fewer.
00:58:08.000 It seems possible.
00:58:09.000 It's definitely possible.
00:58:10.000 It was possible in the 90s.
00:58:12.000 When I moved here in 1994, there was half as many people.
00:58:16.000 I wonder what the actual statistic was, but I'm pretty sure it was half as many people.
00:58:20.000 Like when you would get on the highway, you'd get on the highway and the traffic would be bad, but it wouldn't be that bad.
00:58:26.000 It would be no big deal.
00:58:27.000 I remember people talking about getting from Santa Monica to the valley in 10 minutes.
00:58:32.000 What?
00:58:32.000 Exactly.
00:58:33.000 Ten minutes.
00:58:34.000 What did they drive?
00:58:35.000 A DeLorean?
00:58:36.000 Just drive a regular car.
00:58:37.000 Just get in your car and drive. 0.99
00:58:38.000 And this was back when cars were slow as shit. 0.99
00:58:40.000 And the brakes were terrible. 0.99
00:58:41.000 There was no traffic.
00:58:43.000 You just get around.
00:58:44.000 It's only nine miles.
00:58:45.000 No problem.
00:58:46.000 They just did it.
00:58:47.000 It's the same as, you know, planes.
00:58:49.000 I mean, I've only been flying about 20 years.
00:58:52.000 But 20 years ago, and now that's part of because they do the spoke garbage now where they, you know, you have to fly through Cincinnati to go to Denver or whatever it is.
00:59:00.000 Right.
00:59:00.000 But it's everything's full.
00:59:02.000 Yeah.
00:59:02.000 Every single flight is full.
00:59:03.000 Like the idea, when someone doesn't have a seat next to you, it's a Christmas party.
00:59:08.000 Oh, yeah.
00:59:09.000 Well, how about when they say we've oversold this flight?
00:59:12.000 We're looking for volunteers.
00:59:14.000 Yeah.
00:59:14.000 Like, what do you mean?
00:59:15.000 You're selling some shit you don't even really have? 0.98
00:59:17.000 They absolutely do that, but in fairness, we can do that with comedy clubs too, because there's always a percentage of no-shows. 0.99
00:59:24.000 So there's...
00:59:24.000 Do you do that at Morty's?
00:59:27.000 We've done it, but it's not by a high percentage.
00:59:29.000 It's like, because usually our no-show percentage will be like 10%, so we'll oversell by like 5%.
00:59:34.000 Really?
00:59:35.000 So if you have 100 people, 10 people won't show up?
00:59:37.000 It depends on the price of the ticket.
00:59:40.000 It depends on the act.
00:59:40.000 Like with a celebrity, no-show percentage is virtually nothing.
00:59:43.000 But with like a typical day, you know, at a typical, like we call it a just funny...
00:59:49.000 You know, someone who's good, but no one has heard of them.
00:59:51.000 Right.
00:59:52.000 You know, plenty of times someone will be like, oh yeah, let's get four tickets to the club, and then they only have one friend.
00:59:57.000 Like, that happens all the time.
00:59:59.000 Babysitter cancels.
01:00:00.000 That's true.
01:00:01.000 You know, it's too rainy out, someone doesn't want to go out.
01:00:03.000 There are tons of reasons. 0.96
01:00:05.000 But you can't fuck over the people that actually paid and actually showed up. 0.97
01:00:10.000 We've never once. 0.98
01:00:11.000 Okay.
01:00:12.000 Not one time.
01:00:12.000 So how do you do that?
01:00:13.000 You have extra chairs, you can just shove them in places in case everybody shows up?
01:00:16.000 If we have to, but what happens is, on the ticket it very specifically says, like, this is good until showtime.
01:00:21.000 Oh, okay.
01:00:28.000 Even if there's weird anomaly, where the notion rate is like zero, there's still people who come late.
01:00:33.000 Right, and you can't come late.
01:00:35.000 Yeah, if you come late, like, you might get turned away.
01:00:37.000 And we tell everyone that.
01:00:38.000 Even if you have a ticket.
01:00:39.000 We tell everyone that.
01:00:40.000 If you come late, you can get turned away.
01:00:41.000 What if you get stuck in trial?
01:00:43.000 Well, you can call.
01:00:44.000 You can call and say, hey, you know, we're on our way, and please hold a seat.
01:00:47.000 That seems reasonable.
01:00:48.000 I accept that.
01:00:48.000 Think about it this way.
01:00:49.000 With Broadway, I mean, with Broadway, the door's close. 1.00
01:00:52.000 Okay, first of all, fuck Broadway. 1.00
01:00:54.000 Okay. 1.00
01:00:55.000 Fuck all that nonsense. 1.00
01:00:57.000 Fuck musicals and fuck plays. 1.00
01:00:59.000 Okay, we have movies now. 1.00
01:01:00.000 I want special effects.
01:01:02.000 I don't want you talking loud.
01:01:03.000 I'm with you.
01:01:04.000 I want you mic'd up.
01:01:05.000 I want you to be able to whisper, and I want to hear it crystal clear.
01:01:08.000 And I'm giving you no leeway.
01:01:10.000 I'm giving you no leeway because the costumes are nice.
01:01:13.000 Yes.
01:01:13.000 I want plot.
01:01:14.000 I want writing. 1.00
01:01:15.000 I want a fucking... 1.00
01:01:15.000 I want new shit, too. 1.00
01:01:17.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:01:17.000 I want some old shit that doesn't apply anymore. 1.00
01:01:20.000 I'm okay with musicals. 0.99
01:01:22.000 I don't...
01:01:22.000 You know, I can just suspend my disbelief and go, okay, everybody's singing, fine.
01:01:26.000 Not me.
01:01:27.000 But it's got to be a good song.
01:01:29.000 It's got to further the plot.
01:01:30.000 It can't just be something that they know is going to sell well.
01:01:32.000 Yeah.
01:01:33.000 I went to a musical. 0.99
01:01:34.000 Well, I should take that back because the Book of Mormon is fucking amazing. 0.99
01:01:38.000 Yes. 0.98
01:01:38.000 That's a musical. 0.98
01:01:39.000 That's what I mean.
01:01:40.000 But those guys are just, they do everything right.
01:01:43.000 They just do everything right.
01:01:44.000 But that was also Bobby Lopez who did Avenue Q. I don't know who that is.
01:01:49.000 I don't know what that is.
01:01:49.000 You don't know Avenue Q? Nope.
01:01:51.000 So Avenue Q is the other good Broadway show of the two.
01:01:54.000 Avenue Q was the one where they had songs, The Internet is for Porn and Everyone's a Little Bit Racist.
01:02:00.000 Oh, okay.
01:02:01.000 Oh, so it's a comedy.
01:02:02.000 Okay, as long as it's a comedy.
01:02:03.000 Wasn't it with puppets?
01:02:04.000 Yeah, it was with puppets.
01:02:06.000 Was it a Broadway show with puppets?
01:02:07.000 It was like Sesame Street on Broadway. 0.99
01:02:09.000 Hey, whatever happened to the fucking Spider-Man Broadway show where people kept falling on their head? 0.99
01:02:14.000 Did they abandon that? 0.99
01:02:16.000 Yeah, eventually.
01:02:17.000 Yeah, Spider-Man turned off the dark, eventually turned on the dark.
01:02:22.000 Because people were dying, right? 0.99
01:02:24.000 Didn't people get paralyzed and shit? 0.99
01:02:25.000 Yeah, people fell. 0.99
01:02:26.000 So my wife worked at Audience Rewards, which is like frequent flyer points for Broadway.
01:02:34.000 And so she would go to all these shows.
01:02:36.000 And so she went to Spider-Man during the previews.
01:02:39.000 And she texted me and she goes, one of the actors has been stuck for an hour.
01:02:45.000 Mm-hmm.
01:02:46.000 Like, just on the rope.
01:02:48.000 Oh my god.
01:02:48.000 And she just said, yeah, he's been stuck for an hour.
01:02:50.000 And I was like, I bet you know how he feels.
01:02:53.000 Like, it's just...
01:02:54.000 It was terrible.
01:02:55.000 She would go to all these shows, and eventually, like, I wouldn't have to go anymore. 0.99
01:02:59.000 Because she took me to American Idiot. 0.69
01:03:01.000 Did you ever see that, the Green Day one? 0.98
01:03:03.000 No.
01:03:04.000 So, I like Green Day.
01:03:06.000 How dare you?
01:03:07.000 I enjoy that song specifically.
01:03:10.000 I wish Joey Diaz was here right now.
01:03:11.000 He would murder me? 1.00
01:03:12.000 He'd be choking you. 0.99
01:03:13.000 Well, I like the song American Idiot because it caused people who it was about to enjoy it without knowing it was about them. 0.99
01:03:22.000 Right. 0.96
01:03:23.000 I like the subversity of that. 1.00
01:03:25.000 But the musical was, it was like, I was 30 seconds in before I was like, oh, fuck this show. 0.99
01:03:30.000 It was like watching the best painters in the world try to play football. 1.00
01:03:34.000 It was horrific.
01:03:36.000 That's a funny way of putting it. 0.98
01:03:37.000 Well, I know that Green Day isn't real punk-punk, but at the same time, that's the movement it came out of, and it's supposed to be anti-establishment, and the whole point of the show, I mean, the broadwaying of it, Basically made it like everybody's just jazz hands to fucking Green Day. 0.98
01:03:52.000 It was ridiculous. 0.88
01:03:53.000 Well, it kind of showed what Green Day really is all about. 0.91
01:03:56.000 Look at this, yeah.
01:03:57.000 That Green Day was, it's a manufactured outrage.
01:04:00.000 It's fake.
01:04:01.000 I was so disappointed because afterward I was like, I can't believe they lent their name to this and then I looked it up and I go, oh no, they were in charge?
01:04:09.000 It's like, that's it.
01:04:10.000 That's the end of it for me.
01:04:12.000 Well, that's why everybody was correct.
01:04:13.000 And I think that's one of those things where, like, people...
01:04:16.000 Look at the look on that guy.
01:04:17.000 Is that Jared from Subway?
01:04:18.000 Like, who is that?
01:04:20.000 Oh...
01:04:20.000 No, it's Penn Jillette's younger brother.
01:04:22.000 Doesn't it look like...
01:04:25.000 And that wasn't even a molestation joke.
01:04:28.000 How about the guy on the far right with the two-tone hair and the conveniently placed tattoos?
01:04:32.000 I bet he's annoying.
01:04:33.000 Yeah.
01:04:34.000 I bet in his last play he played like a salesman.
01:04:37.000 How about the guy with the flannel shirt?
01:04:38.000 Is that a flannel shirt or a jacket?
01:04:39.000 It's a blazer.
01:04:40.000 It's a flannel blazer.
01:04:41.000 He's the drummer for Green Day.
01:04:42.000 Oh, Christ.
01:04:44.000 Just take that picture off, Jamie.
01:04:46.000 Take it off!
01:04:47.000 Yeah, man, there's a lot of that stuff.
01:04:49.000 You know, it's like what we're talking about.
01:04:51.000 We're talking about suits coming in and telling you what you can and can't say.
01:04:55.000 I mean, they're being their own suits.
01:04:57.000 They're trying to formulate something that they think America's going to absorb, and then they're thinking about buying yachts.
01:05:02.000 So Avenue Q is a great show, but the most fun part of watching it was watching the old Broadway people Thinking that they're super naughty for going to the show. 0.94
01:05:13.000 Just like these, like, 60, 70-year-old women who, like, just couldn't believe, like, they said masturbation! 1.00
01:05:20.000 Like, just... 0.97
01:05:20.000 Oh, God. 0.97
01:05:21.000 Yeah, that was kind of...
01:05:22.000 I had fun watching people watch it.
01:05:23.000 Well, if I was going to go to Broadway, that would be kind of why I would go.
01:05:27.000 I would go to People Watch, the really upper-crust-rich crowd of Manhattanites.
01:05:33.000 The people that have homes in the Hamptons, like, those people that go to all those Broadway shows, and that's their social life.
01:05:39.000 That's what they do.
01:05:40.000 They go to parties.
01:05:42.000 They dress really well.
01:05:43.000 They eat really well.
01:05:44.000 And they go to the finest restaurants in town.
01:05:47.000 They always get a table at the finest restaurants.
01:05:49.000 And here they are.
01:05:51.000 That's like their hobby is being rich and doing rich people things.
01:05:55.000 And if you want to be cultured, you have to read the New York Times.
01:05:59.000 You have to read the New Yorker.
01:06:01.000 And you have to go to these musicals when they come out.
01:06:03.000 And you have to go to Broadway when it comes out.
01:06:05.000 There's a new play.
01:06:06.000 Are you going to be there?
01:06:07.000 Yes, we are.
01:06:07.000 We have season tickets to the Broadway.
01:06:10.000 Do they have season tickets to Broadway?
01:06:12.000 They can't.
01:06:13.000 They do?
01:06:14.000 They're like multi-ticket packages.
01:06:17.000 Those people have to do everything they can to be cultured except actually talk to human beings.
01:06:22.000 Well, they talk to a few human beings who are exactly like them.
01:06:25.000 Yeah, but they don't talk to anyone who, you know, I mean, they might know their gardener's name.
01:06:30.000 Well, there's a bunch of people that are like that, that are just completely locked up in consumption, and that's the only thing that they can discuss.
01:06:36.000 I had this neighbor, I used to call him Bling Bling, because Bling Bling always had like, everything was shiny, he always had like expensive watches, and he always had like the nicest cars. 0.95
01:06:47.000 I couldn't talk to the fucking guy about anything other than like cars and houses. 0.90
01:06:53.000 You know, like I would say, hey man, how you doing? 0.99
01:06:55.000 And they're good, good, good.
01:06:56.000 See what that guy did to his house? 1.00
01:06:57.000 Looks like shit. 1.00
01:06:58.000 What year is that car? 1.00
01:07:00.000 Like, that's all he would talk about.
01:07:02.000 All he was into was consumption, what was good for the property values, where'd you get the watch?
01:07:08.000 Oh, nice, nice watch.
01:07:09.000 Like, that was all he was into, like, acquiring items, moving items around, fixing items, making items better. 1.00
01:07:16.000 But this was, he was the American idiot. 1.00
01:07:19.000 I mean, he was locked into that. 1.00
01:07:21.000 I mean, I knew this guy for years.
01:07:23.000 I mean, literally, that is why I called him Blink Blink.
01:07:25.000 We never had a conversation about anything other than objects that he wanted or objects that he saw that he liked.
01:07:32.000 I mean, it was really weird, but I think there's a lot of people like that out there, especially really rich people.
01:07:37.000 Yeah.
01:07:39.000 When people make this argument about, like, oh, well, you know, we have to allow the rich to be able to spend their money because it's for the economy, and that's why they shouldn't, you know, we shouldn't have higher taxes on the rich, I'm just like, do you see how they spend it?
01:07:53.000 Do you see the ridiculousness that...
01:07:57.000 The problem with higher taxes on the rich is that, like, what's going on?
01:08:02.000 What is capitalism?
01:08:03.000 Like, what is it?
01:08:04.000 Is it a game?
01:08:05.000 I mean, if one person works harder and they make more money, and one person is more innovative, they're more creative, they figure out a way to extract more money from the system, should they be penalized?
01:08:17.000 I mean, aren't we all trying to do that?
01:08:18.000 Are we all trying to acquire money in some way, shape, or form?
01:08:22.000 And who is to say that one person, some Bill Gates-type guy, is better at it, so they should be penalized? 0.88
01:08:28.000 It seems like you're trying to rig the game because someone is just way fucking better at it.
01:08:34.000 Well, I think the problem is that it's not...
01:08:37.000 I don't have a problem with the people who are better at it.
01:08:38.000 I have a problem with the people who are the grandson of the person who is better at it.
01:08:42.000 Exactly.
01:08:43.000 Who was just the idea of like, oh, you know, my father's sperm was real innovative.
01:08:49.000 The Heinz account has always had good merit here.
01:08:52.000 Yeah.
01:08:54.000 Yeah, that kind of stuff.
01:08:55.000 Inherence money, that's a tricky one.
01:08:58.000 Because I think it's bad for the people, too.
01:08:59.000 They get it.
01:09:00.000 Yeah.
01:09:00.000 I look at the people who...
01:09:04.000 There's that quote that...
01:09:05.000 I forget where it's from, but that quote that America is a nation of temporarily embarrassed millionaires.
01:09:10.000 That, like, everyone thinks that they're a millionaire.
01:09:13.000 They're just going through hard times right now.
01:09:14.000 Oh, I get it.
01:09:15.000 Yeah.
01:09:15.000 Yeah.
01:09:16.000 Yeah, well, that's one of the reasons why poor people vote for Republicans. 0.99
01:09:19.000 They really think, well, you need business!
01:09:22.000 Who is more anti-poor people than Republicans?
01:09:27.000 But how many poor people wind up being conservative?
01:09:30.000 What I want to say to those people is like, I get, you know, we all want to be millionaires, we all want to be successful, and that's wonderful, and we need a path to get there, and that's fantastic. 0.98
01:09:37.000 But tell me this, when you were 55 and you were working at Applebee's, what the fuck is your path?
01:09:42.000 Where from here to there, you tell me what app you're going to invent, you tell me what, you know, you're going to win on American Idol as the old lady. 0.99
01:09:51.000 Like, you tell me how the fuck are you going to go from the lowest tax bracket to the highest one when you're already 55 and your dream has gone. 0.90
01:10:00.000 But it can happen. 0.98
01:10:01.000 See, to say that is kind of silly because there's been a million stories about someone who writes a book in their 50s and they become rich.
01:10:10.000 I mean, all that stuff has happened.
01:10:12.000 It can.
01:10:14.000 But you have to do it.
01:10:15.000 Whatever it is, you have to do it.
01:10:16.000 If you're actually just taking all your time and you're staying at Applebee's and then you're drinking and then you watch the TV and then you're falling asleep.
01:10:22.000 That's what I mean.
01:10:23.000 And you just keep that pattern.
01:10:23.000 Yeah.
01:10:24.000 If that person said to me, well, I've been working on this novel for a very long time, and I have a lot of faith in it, and I've sent it to a lot of publishers, and you know what?
01:10:29.000 I've been rejected a lot of times, but I'm not going to take no for an answer.
01:10:32.000 I'm going to pound the pavement, and I'm going to find it.
01:10:33.000 Maybe I'll self-publish it, and I'll walk around, and I'll go to libraries, and I'll get my book in libraries.
01:10:39.000 And if they said all that, I would be like, you know what?
01:10:42.000 Don't pay taxes.
01:10:43.000 Yes.
01:10:44.000 Vote Republican.
01:10:45.000 Yes.
01:10:45.000 But, if they're just like, well, you know, my brother's got this idea, right?
01:10:51.000 My brother's got this idea.
01:10:52.000 Now, he just needs a little bit of seed money.
01:10:55.000 A little bit of seed money.
01:10:57.000 That person, I'm just like, I don't understand why you're voting against your own best interest.
01:11:00.000 Well, I don't think they think they are.
01:11:02.000 They think the people are lazy.
01:11:03.000 I work hard. 1.00
01:11:04.000 These goddamn lazy people, they want that welfare money, they're gonna take that welfare and just spend it on the cigarettes. 1.00
01:11:09.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:11:12.000 Well, I loved during the recession, the collapse, when everybody was talking about, like, I don't like how the government spends my money.
01:11:20.000 They're like, the government spends money on things they can't afford.
01:11:22.000 I'm like, you just lost your house and your car because you bought something you couldn't afford.
01:11:26.000 Yeah, but they thought they could afford it.
01:11:28.000 Right. 1.00
01:11:28.000 They're just stupid. 1.00
01:11:30.000 The problem with those goddamn mortgages, man, that was the craziest Ponzi scheme ever. 1.00
01:11:35.000 That you would have someone with an adjustable rate mortgage and all of a sudden the rate gets jacked up through the roof and you're paying three times as much. 1.00
01:11:41.000 Like, what did I sign up for?
01:11:43.000 Wait a minute, I was only paying $1,500 a month and now I'm paying $15,000.
01:11:49.000 There's a great deal of deception and fraud and garbage that was done from the banks and from the people in charge.
01:11:57.000 But there was also a great deal of people that didn't want to do their homework.
01:12:00.000 And they just heard something too good to be true, and they didn't know the lesson of if it's too good to be true, it's not true.
01:12:06.000 Yeah, definitely.
01:12:07.000 It's the same people who, like, they'll open up the email, they'll be like...
01:12:10.000 What do you mean I got this email where I get all this money?
01:12:14.000 I just click on this link right here from this person I never met?
01:12:16.000 Yeah.
01:12:17.000 Like, how do you not know?
01:12:18.000 The first time I saw that, I was like, this looks wrong.
01:12:22.000 Well, you're a smart guy, Steve.
01:12:24.000 But that's what I'm saying. 1.00
01:12:25.000 A lot of people, they're dumb. 1.00
01:12:27.000 It's so difficult. 1.00
01:12:30.000 So lonely at the top of Olympus.
01:12:46.000 I think the environment is almost like credit because we're like throwing garbage out the window and no one's thinking about it. 0.97
01:12:52.000 We're just burning fossil fuels and fucking spraying hairspray into the sky.
01:12:56.000 No one's thinking about what that's doing because we don't feel it instantly and immediately. 0.95
01:13:01.000 We don't have like a vault we open up. 0.99
01:13:05.000 Shit, I'm out of air. 1.00
01:13:06.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:13:06.000 You know? 1.00
01:13:07.000 I'm running low.
01:13:08.000 We're running low on fish lift.
01:13:11.000 We don't feel it.
01:13:12.000 So we continue to act in the exact same way, because we're not really getting the feedback. 0.99
01:13:17.000 You know, you watch An Inconvenient Truth, you go, well, that's kind of fucked up. 0.98
01:13:20.000 Gotta go to work in the morning. 0.99
01:13:21.000 Click.
01:13:22.000 Shut it off.
01:13:22.000 Go to bed.
01:13:24.000 Beep, beep, beep.
01:13:25.000 Wake up.
01:13:26.000 Keep going.
01:13:27.000 And that's a pattern that just keeps getting repeated and repeated, and we're not feeling the feedback of the negative actions.
01:13:34.000 I was flying, and it was during that crazy winter with the polar vortex stuff, Where it was, like, negative two degrees in a lot of places, and it got down to, like, negative 20 in the Midwest.
01:13:45.000 What year was that?
01:13:46.000 Uh, two years ago, I think?
01:13:47.000 Two, three years ago?
01:13:48.000 Yeah, it was, uh...
01:13:49.000 I know, in L.A., we're just like, yeah, it got all the way down to 55. It was terrible.
01:13:53.000 And so, um...
01:13:56.000 Yeah, I got woken up by the bells of the ice cream truck.
01:13:58.000 It was really a difficult winter.
01:13:59.000 But the...
01:14:00.000 Um, but...
01:14:01.000 So I'm flying somewhere, and there's this guy, you know, going through in front of me at TSA, and, you know, he's taking off his coat and all that stuff, and...
01:14:10.000 TSA got a cold outside, didn't it?
01:14:11.000 One of these small airports where they all went to high school together.
01:14:14.000 And the guy goes, so much for global warming.
01:14:18.000 And I need to leave well enough alone.
01:14:20.000 I need to learn how to do that.
01:14:22.000 But I was like, actually, you know, global warming also makes it colder in the winter.
01:14:26.000 Oh, look, the Jews got an opinion! 1.00
01:14:30.000 He knew right away.
01:14:32.000 Yeah, he just immediately, his reaction actually was one of my favorite things anyone's ever said.
01:14:37.000 He just goes, that's what they want you to believe.
01:14:40.000 Like they do, because they're scientists, and they want you to believe them.
01:14:43.000 Well, Sam Harris was talking about this yesterday, that Trump is a global warming denier.
01:14:48.000 Yeah.
01:14:48.000 A global warming denier is really close to being the President of the United States.
01:14:53.000 He is not only a global warming denier, but the good news is, if he felt he would make money off of it, he would believe in global warming.
01:14:59.000 Oh, yeah.
01:15:00.000 For sure.
01:15:01.000 There's no platform he can't believe in.
01:15:03.000 I wonder what the thought process behind that is. 0.99
01:15:04.000 Just plow straight ahead and just do whatever's good for you and don't give a fuck? 0.99
01:15:09.000 Or is there like... 0.99
01:15:10.000 It's narcissism.
01:15:11.000 Scientists will figure it out.
01:15:12.000 Yeah, for sure, right?
01:15:13.000 That's really what it is.
01:15:14.000 I'm answering my own question.
01:15:15.000 I think it's, I think it's a, yeah, it's what you were saying, the idea of like plowing ahead and not knowing, like, I have this thing where it bothers me when someone's unhappy.
01:15:26.000 Like, when I can see unhappiness, whether, like, someone's mad at me about something I did, or just someone's sad, like, immediately I'm like, I have to fix this!
01:15:33.000 You know, like, and I don't know what that's from.
01:15:35.000 I don't know how I got that way, and I try to get over it to a degree.
01:15:40.000 I like being compassionate, but I also don't want it to, like, totally ruin me.
01:15:44.000 And I think that there are people who are wired in completely the other direction, who they can walk by someone bleeding to death and just be like, ugh, the sidewalk used to be so much nicer.
01:15:56.000 Yeah.
01:15:56.000 Yeah.
01:15:58.000 I guess that's probably like the type of person that you don't want in office.
01:16:03.000 Yes.
01:16:04.000 Right?
01:16:04.000 Yes.
01:16:05.000 It's the exact type of person you don't want in office.
01:16:07.000 But you also don't want the type of person in office that's constantly worried about people being sad.
01:16:11.000 Because then you'll never get anything done.
01:16:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:16:13.000 Because there's 300 million people and at least 30 million of them are sad as fuck. 0.99
01:16:17.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:16:18.000 Right?
01:16:18.000 At least.
01:16:19.000 I can look at statistics being sad all day with no problem. 0.99
01:16:22.000 Oh, statistics don't fuck with you. 0.99
01:16:24.000 It's actually humans. 0.98
01:16:25.000 It's the interaction with humans. 1.00
01:16:27.000 What about puppies and kittens and shit? 0.99
01:16:28.000 I'm a big dog rescue guy. 0.99
01:16:30.000 Oh, me too.
01:16:31.000 I can't go.
01:16:33.000 I'll take them all.
01:16:34.000 Dude, on this past tour, I did in ten days.
01:16:37.000 In ten days, I stopped and got four strays.
01:16:41.000 I didn't keep them, but I helped rescue four strays in ten days just driving around.
01:16:46.000 You found them on the street?
01:16:48.000 Four strays in ten days.
01:16:49.000 How do you know they were actually straights? 0.94
01:16:51.000 How do you know people don't just, like, let their dogs out and the dogs come back?
01:16:53.000 I used to have a dog like that.
01:16:54.000 Well, one of them was, if it hadn't come back, I mean, if it was let out, it had been a couple days.
01:17:00.000 Like, it was, like, matted up and everything.
01:17:02.000 One of them was actually someone who, like, was someone who just keeps their door open, and then their dog was just playing in traffic.
01:17:11.000 And, but, thankfully, and he comes out and he goes, I've been looking for him!
01:17:15.000 And I just go, where? 0.99
01:17:18.000 All around my bathroom, taking a shit. 0.99
01:17:20.000 Where's the dog? 0.98
01:17:22.000 The third one was one who was, I don't think she's ever been owned.
01:17:27.000 It was just on the streets of Louisville and just walking around near the airport.
01:17:30.000 And then the fourth one was actually one where this was the one that made me the most upset because leash and collar right outside of a dog grooming place. 0.97
01:17:38.000 So I'm like, oh shit, one got out. 0.86
01:17:40.000 And so, this is in Phoenix. 0.99
01:17:42.000 And I'm running around.
01:17:43.000 It's 95 degree heat.
01:17:44.000 And this dog is fast.
01:17:45.000 And I'm like running around trying to chase it.
01:17:47.000 And finally, there's like this alcove in the shopping center where it goes in the alcove.
01:17:52.000 And I'm like, great, it'll be cornered.
01:17:53.000 I'll finally be able to get it.
01:17:54.000 And so I go in there, and there's like a woman with a stroller. 1.00
01:17:57.000 And I go, hey, do you see a stray dog run by here?
01:17:59.000 And then I see the dog in the corner.
01:18:00.000 And I go, oh, it's right there.
01:18:01.000 And she goes, that's my dog.
01:18:03.000 I go, that's your dog.
01:18:04.000 I've been chasing it for 20 minutes through a parking lot.
01:18:06.000 It almost got hit by three different cars.
01:18:08.000 And she goes, oh, did it?
01:18:11.000 Like, yeah, that's what happens when dogs run around parking lots. 1.00
01:18:13.000 When people have strollers, they don't give a fuck about their dog. 0.97
01:18:16.000 They're like, I'm concerned with this little baby. 1.00
01:18:19.000 This dog can go fuck itself. 1.00
01:18:21.000 I just think, like, how hard is it to take that leash and just tie it to the bench that you're sitting on? 1.00
01:18:25.000 It's hard for some people.
01:18:27.000 Just like it's hard to not hold the baby over the gorilla enclosure.
01:18:30.000 Yeah.
01:18:30.000 It's very difficult.
01:18:31.000 Something that compels you.
01:18:32.000 The temptation is real.
01:18:33.000 The struggle is real.
01:18:35.000 It'd be like, you know, I really don't want to let this dog go.
01:18:39.000 One of my favorite dogs ever.
01:18:40.000 I got a call from these people that I knew.
01:18:42.000 They were dog watchers.
01:18:44.000 And they found a dog in their neighborhood.
01:18:47.000 And they knew that I had dogs.
01:18:48.000 And they knew I loved dogs.
01:18:49.000 And this dog had mange.
01:18:51.000 She had mange all over her body. 0.83
01:18:53.000 She was really sick.
01:18:54.000 And they were like, we don't even know if... 0.99
01:18:57.000 If she's gonna be able to make it like she's like she's so fucked like open scabs because of it She was so beat up. 0.98
01:19:03.000 It was so sad And so they had washed her up and they had fed her and she was a really sweet dog And I'm like look I'll take a chance. 0.98
01:19:10.000 Let's see what happens.
01:19:11.000 Yeah within like a week her mange had grown back It was crazy.
01:19:15.000 It's just yeah food She's need to be cleaned and needed food within a week Almost all of her hair was like it wasn't fully grown. 1.00
01:19:22.000 It was all growing back She turned out to be the greatest dog of all time but I can't go around those dogs. 0.99
01:19:28.000 I'll have a fucking house full of dogs. 1.00
01:19:30.000 I'll have a hundred dogs. 1.00
01:19:32.000 The one I have now, I did not plan on having him.
01:19:34.000 I saw him in a shelter and he was just the cutest thing.
01:19:37.000 And I fostered him.
01:19:40.000 And two days in, someone messaged me.
01:19:43.000 Because I made an Instagram account for him so that maybe it would get popular and someone would adopt him.
01:19:47.000 And then someone messaged me.
01:19:49.000 And immediately I get the message.
01:19:50.000 And I was thinking, don't you take my dog.
01:19:52.000 Like, already he was mine.
01:19:54.000 So he's a Staffordshire Bull Terrier, which is basically like a mini pit.
01:19:59.000 They look like a pit bull. 0.61
01:20:00.000 Yeah, I call it a pit bull face on a pig's body. 0.98
01:20:03.000 It's like, he's adorable.
01:20:05.000 And he, like, what's crazy is, so that breed, if you were to buy one, they're $2,500.
01:20:14.000 And that's one without training, without anything, like, and he was just sitting in a shelter.
01:20:18.000 And so anytime someone's like, oh, well, you know, I gotta go to a shelter because I need a really specific, or, sorry, I gotta go to a breeder because I need a really specific dog.
01:20:25.000 I'm just like, but they're out there.
01:20:26.000 Yeah, there's every- You can find anything you want.
01:20:28.000 Every single kind of dog is out there in a shelter.
01:20:31.000 He's my mascot now.
01:20:32.000 I take him with me to comedy clubs and everything.
01:20:33.000 Really?
01:20:33.000 Yeah, because he doesn't bark at all.
01:20:35.000 I've heard him bark maybe like ten times.
01:20:37.000 Oh, that's awesome.
01:20:37.000 And so he hangs out in the green room.
01:20:40.000 He'll find whatever comic left a box of merch.
01:20:45.000 Sometimes someone will ship merch or something.
01:20:47.000 He'll just find the box of shirts and just use it as a bed.
01:20:50.000 He's great.
01:20:51.000 He's smart. 0.99
01:20:52.000 He knows they're useless. 0.99
01:20:53.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:20:54.000 Yeah, man.
01:20:56.000 Shelters are tough.
01:20:57.000 It's tough.
01:20:57.000 It's tough to go there.
01:20:58.000 It's tough to see.
01:21:00.000 People are so irresponsible.
01:21:03.000 They're so irresponsible with pets.
01:21:04.000 They get them.
01:21:05.000 We can't have this dog. 0.86
01:21:06.000 This dog's shitting the house. 1.00
01:21:07.000 You've got to teach them to not shit in the house. 1.00
01:21:09.000 Next thing you know, they just give them up and leave them in a cage and out of sight, out of mind, go on with their life. 0.99
01:21:14.000 What disturbed me is when I found out how many animals PETA kills every year.
01:21:18.000 Oh, I got into it with the PETA spokesperson on Twitter.
01:21:22.000 Did you? 1.00
01:21:23.000 Oh, I fucked her up. 1.00
01:21:24.000 Good. 1.00
01:21:24.000 I was pretty happy with that one. 1.00
01:21:25.000 What was it about?
01:21:26.000 So she followed me on Twitter, and I just write back and I go, hey, I'm so honored for the follow.
01:21:31.000 Since you're the PETA spokesperson, could you let me know why PETA has a 90% kill rate?
01:21:37.000 And so she starts doing, you know, the standard PR thing of like, well, you know, people bring dogs to us that, you know, don't really have much of a chance elsewhere.
01:21:45.000 And so, you know, we're kind of a last resort.
01:21:47.000 And I go, oh, well, that's actually not true, because I know of shelters that are like that, and their kill rate is one-tenth of yours.
01:21:55.000 So, if you could explain...
01:21:56.000 And I just kept hammering her about it, hammering her about it, hammering her...
01:21:59.000 Politely?
01:22:01.000 Calmly. 1.00
01:22:01.000 I wasn't like, shut up, bitch! 1.00
01:22:03.000 Like, because that gets you nowhere. 1.00
01:22:04.000 Right.
01:22:05.000 You know, I was just trying to outwit her, and it was a lot of fun.
01:22:07.000 And eventually then, she's like, look, I don't speak for PETA. And I was like, well, in your bio...
01:22:12.000 On your Twitter, it says, head of communications.
01:22:15.000 So, you do, and now you're speaking to me.
01:22:19.000 Is it a resource issue?
01:22:21.000 Does PETA just not have the money to take care of them?
01:22:23.000 It's actually a Batman issue.
01:22:25.000 You know how, like, Ra's al Ghul...
01:22:27.000 Pause.
01:22:28.000 Yeah.
01:22:29.000 Pause.
01:22:29.000 You know how the idea of, like, in the first Christian Bale Batman, Ra's al Ghul was kind of like...
01:22:37.000 Who's that?
01:22:38.000 Okay, so the bad guy in Batman, they were like, we need to save the city by destroying it.
01:22:43.000 Right.
01:22:43.000 Like, the humans are destroying themselves, so we're gonna wipe this out, and so that'll prevent the problem.
01:22:49.000 And that's what it is.
01:22:51.000 PETA is basically like, there's a problem with... 0.99
01:22:54.000 We love these dogs, and so to stop them from overbreeding, we're just going to murder a lot of them. 0.84
01:23:00.000 That's where they go with it. 0.98
01:23:02.000 Well, the head of PETA, when you get to the top... 0.99
01:23:05.000 Crazy person. 0.99
01:23:06.000 Am I going to be murdered for saying this? 1.00
01:23:08.000 No, you shouldn't be.
01:23:09.000 If they do, they're rude.
01:23:12.000 Animal Liberation Organization, at the very head of a lot of these really radical animal rights movements, and by the way, I love animals, so I get it.
01:23:23.000 I get the wanting pets...
01:23:25.000 To be taken care of, but they don't want pets to be taken care of.
01:23:29.000 They don't want pets.
01:23:30.000 They think animals should be free.
01:23:32.000 All animals should be free.
01:23:33.000 All livestock, all pets.
01:23:35.000 None of that should be real.
01:23:36.000 All animals should just exist in some sort of a wild state.
01:23:39.000 They also...
01:23:40.000 She's gone on a record many, many times talking about how, you know, pit bulls should be eradicated. 0.98
01:23:46.000 Yeah.
01:23:47.000 And, you know, and like things like that and the idea of...
01:23:50.000 Pit bulls are...
01:23:50.000 They are dangerous.
01:23:51.000 I've had them.
01:23:52.000 They just are.
01:23:54.000 You know, they've thousands of years of breeding to fight each other. 1.00
01:23:57.000 And if you're an irresponsible dog owner, pit bulls can be fucking dangerous. 0.98
01:24:01.000 Yeah, but at the same time, they say that about my dog, about my Staffie. 0.99
01:24:04.000 Yeah, but Staffordshire House Terrors, that's ignorance.
01:24:07.000 They're not the same breed. 0.94
01:24:08.000 See, there's a genetic lie.
01:24:09.000 According to law, they are.
01:24:11.000 Yeah, but that's not, it's not right.
01:24:13.000 The law is incorrect.
01:24:15.000 There's just some stuff written down on paper.
01:24:16.000 When you deal with the actual genetic lines of the dog, I've had dogs that were, their line was from fighting dogs.
01:24:23.000 And they were impossible.
01:24:25.000 You couldn't take them to the dog park, couldn't take them, it didn't matter how much I trained him, how much I was with him all the time, when dogs would bow up around him, he would get aggressive and he'd want to fight.
01:24:35.000 Well, I agree with you on a lot of things, but this is one where I have a completely different line, because I have a dog who is Chihuahua Basset Hound, and I can't bring her near other dogs.
01:24:47.000 But that's an exception to the rule.
01:24:49.000 Pit bulls are kind of the rule.
01:24:50.000 The problem with pit bulls is, it's a very dangerous dog.
01:24:54.000 They're super powerful, they're really aggressive, and they don't...
01:24:58.000 Respond to pain the way a lot of other dogs do because it's been bred out of them Like if you follow the way they breed dogs for fighting when dogs fight if they back away if they cower they were killed That was the whole Michael Vick thing.
01:25:13.000 Yeah.
01:25:13.000 Is that they had killed all these dogs that quit in fights so when you have all of that Reinforcement genetically and you're dealing with a breed that's been Raised like this for hundreds and hundreds of generations, you're dealing with an incredibly aggressive dog with a really high kill drive.
01:25:34.000 And when these dogs with high prey drives are given to irresponsible people, that's when you're getting all babies getting killed, little kids getting killed, dogs getting killed.
01:25:43.000 I mean, it is breed specific.
01:25:47.000 But, I mean, that's also the same train of thought that people, you know, if you can put on a powdered wig and say that about, quote-unquote, the Negro.
01:25:53.000 No, you couldn't.
01:25:54.000 I mean, that was the same.
01:25:55.000 Because they weren't bred for fighting and killing.
01:25:57.000 If you bred a bunch of people just for fighting and killing, yeah, you can make that distinction. 0.57
01:26:02.000 But pit bulls were bred for fighting.
01:26:04.000 I mean, that's what they were bred for.
01:26:07.000 That's why they looked that way.
01:26:09.000 I mean, this is a thing that's been done.
01:26:11.000 That's recent, though.
01:26:12.000 Hundreds and hundreds of generations.
01:26:14.000 It's not that recent.
01:26:15.000 Yeah.
01:26:15.000 Yeah, I mean, they used to be, you know, the pit bull was America's sweetheart.
01:26:18.000 Yes, it was, during World War I. Yeah, you know, Petey from the Little Rascals had the pit bull, you know, whatever it was.
01:26:23.000 It was almost America's mascot, by the way, before the eagle.
01:26:27.000 Yeah, and I think the problem is also is that if a dog looks like a pit bull, Because Pitbull actually isn't even a breed.
01:26:35.000 It's, what is it, American something Terrier is the actual breed that people are talking about.
01:26:41.000 Well, it was an American Bulldog mixed with a Terrier.
01:26:45.000 Terriers were more aggressive.
01:26:46.000 And then they made the new breed. 0.73
01:26:48.000 Yeah.
01:26:49.000 But if you get a bloodline from one that is a fighting dog, and this is not someone...
01:26:54.000 I love Pitbulls. 0.52
01:26:55.000 I have friends that have Pitbulls. 0.99
01:26:56.000 I love them.
01:26:57.000 They're the sweetest, most friendly dog.
01:26:59.000 If handled correctly.
01:27:00.000 Yeah.
01:27:00.000 They still have a problem being aggressive with other dogs.
01:27:03.000 A lot of them do.
01:27:05.000 Yeah.
01:27:05.000 And they're really powerful dogs and in the hands of the wrong people.
01:27:09.000 We're not talking about labs, okay?
01:27:11.000 Yeah.
01:27:11.000 When you have a lab, labs are like universally loving and nice.
01:27:15.000 You can get the exception to the rule.
01:27:17.000 You get a bad lab.
01:27:18.000 But overall, Labrador Retrievers are really friendly, easy-going dogs.
01:27:23.000 So when someone has a lab, you go, oh, he's got a lab. 0.92
01:27:26.000 When someone has a pit bull, there's a fucking reason why people go, oh, great, he's got a pit bull. 1.00
01:27:30.000 Because a lot of them are fucking crazy. 1.00
01:27:32.000 A lot. 1.00
01:27:33.000 I think it boils down to who is handling the dog and the idea of if you...
01:27:39.000 I hate when someone is like, I'm thinking of getting a pit bull.
01:27:43.000 It's like, well, either you need to know everything about it and you get one, or you don't.
01:27:47.000 Well, you have to have a yard that can contain that dog for sure.
01:27:50.000 You have to be on top of it when it comes to training it.
01:27:53.000 You have to really be aware.
01:27:54.000 You have to read books on it.
01:27:55.000 You should probably seek help with a professional, a behavioral specialist with dogs. 0.99
01:28:01.000 But even then, if some dog threatens your dog or growls around your dog, it's likely that your dog's going to clamp a hold of its neck, and that dog's going to get fucked up. 0.84
01:28:09.000 But that's also why I'm a huge proponent of leash laws. 0.99
01:28:12.000 I think, by the way, if LA... Fuck these parking tickets. 0.99
01:28:15.000 Leash laws. 0.99
01:28:16.000 Like, you enforce leash laws, and we will have more money than any city in the world.
01:28:21.000 Right.
01:28:22.000 Yeah, well, I guess.
01:28:24.000 I mean, how many people really walk around with their dog without a leash?
01:28:27.000 Is that really a problem?
01:28:28.000 I couldn't...
01:28:29.000 I don't know if I've ever walked my dog without running into someone who had an off-leash dog.
01:28:34.000 Yeah, that's irresponsible.
01:28:35.000 Unless you're on a trail or something like that.
01:28:37.000 But even then, I was walking my dogs on this trail on a leash park in, I think it was Fryman, and these two huge dogs come bounding at us.
01:28:48.000 And now look, Maybe they're playful.
01:28:51.000 One of mine's not. 0.99
01:28:52.000 One of mine is a fucking terror when it comes to other dogs. 0.99
01:28:55.000 And so immediately we pick them up, and this lady starts lecturing us about how you're not socializing your dogs correctly, and they'll never learn. 0.99
01:29:01.000 And I was like, well, if you want my dog to bite your dog, I can put her back down if you'd like.
01:29:05.000 But, like, that's why...
01:29:07.000 They'll never learn.
01:29:07.000 Yeah.
01:29:08.000 People whose lives are a mess always love correcting people.
01:29:12.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:29:12.000 You need to get your shit together! 1.00
01:29:14.000 I call it incorrecting. 0.99
01:29:16.000 Incorrecting.
01:29:16.000 It's like, thanks for incorrecting me.
01:29:18.000 Yeah, you need to socialize your dog.
01:29:20.000 Well, first of all, if it's a little dog that you can pick up and big dogs are running around, you probably should pick them up.
01:29:25.000 Yeah.
01:29:26.000 Dogs like to bite little dogs. 1.00
01:29:28.000 They do it all the time.
01:29:29.000 Yeah, this dog looks like a rabbit.
01:29:32.000 Especially if it's the wrong kind of dog, you know, like Huskies.
01:29:35.000 Huskies are Akitas, you know, like real aggressive dogs.
01:29:38.000 There are so many people.
01:29:39.000 There was one in my old neighborhood.
01:29:41.000 We're walking our dogs and all of a sudden this dog comes charging at us.
01:29:44.000 And it was like a little dog. 1.00
01:29:45.000 And so, you know, we pick our dogs and my wife yells, leash your damn dog. 1.00
01:29:50.000 And the guy goes, this is a public space. 1.00
01:29:53.000 And I go, yeah, that's why you leash your dog.
01:29:56.000 But where was this?
01:29:57.000 Just this little lawn of an apartment complex.
01:30:00.000 Oh, yeah.
01:30:01.000 Like just a place where people walk their dogs all the time.
01:30:04.000 Do you believe in leashing your dogs on trails and stuff too?
01:30:06.000 Like when you're in parks?
01:30:08.000 I mean, if it is a non-leash place, then that's fine.
01:30:12.000 If it's a leash place, the problem is that if someone's dog is leashed and someone's dog isn't leashed, that's a bad way for them to meet.
01:30:17.000 Right, because one dog feels trapped and confined.
01:30:20.000 Right, so it's a bad expectation.
01:30:22.000 So if I know that there are going to be non-leash dogs there, I'm fine, because I know and I'm prepared and I'm ready, and the dog is prepared, and etc.
01:30:29.000 But if all of a sudden a dog just comes out of the woods...
01:30:33.000 That's not safe.
01:30:35.000 Yeah, that's true.
01:30:36.000 They're not robots.
01:30:38.000 They're not.
01:30:40.000 Well, there's so much variety in the way dogs behave and the way dogs treat other dogs and other people.
01:30:45.000 It's always like, what's this dog like?
01:30:47.000 Here comes a dog.
01:30:48.000 What are we dealing with?
01:30:49.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:30:50.000 I really don't know.
01:30:50.000 Yeah, I have no idea.
01:30:51.000 And I know that even when I stop for them on the road, I know that's dangerous to do because you have no idea if that dog is going to try to bite you.
01:30:58.000 Have you been bit?
01:30:59.000 I haven't.
01:31:00.000 Really?
01:31:00.000 Yeah, I keep a slope lead in the car.
01:31:03.000 Do you constantly keep a...
01:31:04.000 I just have a slip lead in my trunk.
01:31:06.000 Wow.
01:31:06.000 I've seen so many of them, and I can't tell you how many times I'm like, I wish I had something to put around this dog.
01:31:12.000 And when you capture them, then when you put them in your car, what do you do?
01:31:14.000 You just bring them right to a shelter?
01:31:16.000 Well, so far, I actually have not had that happen.
01:31:20.000 Usually it is either, like one time there was someone else there that happened to work for a rescue that also stopped.
01:31:30.000 Huh.
01:31:34.000 Huh.
01:31:41.000 The one this past week, where I put her in the car.
01:31:44.000 And then I had to be super careful and disinfect everything, because you never know what the dog has.
01:31:48.000 And I have a dog, and so...
01:31:50.000 I just basically...
01:31:51.000 I had my buddy who...
01:31:53.000 Because I had my dog with me when I saw the other dog.
01:31:55.000 So I had my buddy...
01:31:56.000 We were like half a mile from the hotel, so he just walked back to the hotel with my dog.
01:32:00.000 And then I just drove the other dog to the shelter.
01:32:03.000 And then you just hope someone adopts it.
01:32:05.000 You just put it on social media, and you hope.
01:32:06.000 Yeah, if you pick up a dog that has fleas, and the fleas get in the carpet of your car...
01:32:11.000 Well, but, but that's the thing.
01:32:12.000 I've given up on flea prevention.
01:32:14.000 Really? 0.98
01:32:14.000 Like, it's something where I give my dogs the medicine for it, but, like, California has such a fucking flea problem that there's nothing you can do. 0.98
01:32:21.000 Like, after a certain amount, like, every, every dog here has fleas. 0.95
01:32:25.000 Really?
01:32:25.000 Yeah, it's, it's some, some react to it worse than others.
01:32:29.000 My dogs don't have fleas.
01:32:30.000 But there's, look, you live in a special place.
01:32:35.000 You live in a magical cloud above Los Angeles.
01:32:37.000 A magical cloud of flea-less dogs. 0.98
01:32:42.000 The PETA-killing thing always fucks with me.
01:32:47.000 It's amazing to me that people will justify it also. 0.98
01:32:50.000 There's video of them going to a porch and leading someone's dog off their porch and taking it and killing it within a couple hours.
01:32:58.000 Yeah, and why do they do that?
01:33:00.000 Why do they lead it off the porch?
01:33:01.000 Again, they want to eradicate it.
01:33:03.000 They just don't want pets.
01:33:04.000 They just don't want pets.
01:33:06.000 Yeah.
01:33:06.000 So they think it's better to kill the pet than allow the pet to be with the person that they love.
01:33:11.000 To lead a life of slavery. 0.87
01:33:13.000 So bizarre.
01:33:15.000 Just that kind of radical thinking.
01:33:16.000 But that's just the case with everything, right?
01:33:18.000 I mean, you have your reasonable people and then you have your people that take that to the utmost and take it to the furthest point of rational thinking.
01:33:27.000 To the point where you're like, you're killing all the dogs you capture?
01:33:31.000 One of my favorite things that I've seen was Jon Stewart showed a video of people merging to the, I think it was like the Holland Tunnel or the Lincoln Tunnel or something.
01:33:41.000 And it was like one car, one car, one car, one car.
01:33:44.000 Like you're supposed to do with merge.
01:33:46.000 And every now and then, someone would drive up on the shoulder and go around all of them.
01:33:50.000 And just be like... 1.00
01:33:51.000 Fuck everybody but me, you know? 1.00
01:33:52.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:33:53.000 And that is who creates terrible policy.
01:33:56.000 That is who shouts from the rooftops about that.
01:33:59.000 Like, that is who most of us will just drive one car, one car.
01:34:03.000 Yeah.
01:34:03.000 And understand that that's what you do because that's what you want to have done to you.
01:34:06.000 But there's always that one guy that's late for work every day. 1.00
01:34:09.000 He's like, fuck! 1.00
01:34:10.000 I saw a guy do that the other day. 1.00
01:34:11.000 He hit the breakdown lane near a light.
01:34:14.000 A light was about to turn green and he got into the side lane where people park and just gunned it through the intersection.
01:34:20.000 Almost plowed into people and then you see him speeding up ahead because he was probably late for work.
01:34:25.000 It was early in the morning.
01:34:26.000 You know, there's so many people that every day they barely make it to work on time, and it's like this adrenaline rush they're addicted to.
01:34:33.000 They don't even realize it.
01:34:35.000 They're supposed to leave at 7.10, but meanwhile it's 7.15, it's 7.20. 1.00
01:34:38.000 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 1.00
01:34:40.000 And they run out the door, and that's the race. 1.00
01:34:43.000 That's where they're getting their char.
01:34:44.000 They're not getting chased by saber-toothed tigers, but they are getting their adrenaline fix.
01:34:48.000 Because that's the danger.
01:34:49.000 Another thing that, another Chris Bauer story, another comic was asking him about, because he drives around to gigs all the time, and someone asked him about, because he said, oh yeah, I never speed.
01:35:00.000 And he's like, what do you mean you never speed?
01:35:03.000 How do you get there?
01:35:03.000 And he's like, well, I'm in my 40s now, so I wake up 15 minutes earlier.
01:35:10.000 And then I still get there.
01:35:11.000 Because that's all it is. 0.56
01:35:13.000 Like, at the same time, it's hard not to speed, because when you're like, when you have these straightaways, when there are no cars near you, and it's like, why the fuck is the speed limit 60 here?
01:35:23.000 Are you kidding me?
01:35:23.000 I can go 100 safely, easy.
01:35:26.000 But at the same time, the idea of like, well, I just...
01:35:29.000 What are you gonna save?
01:35:30.000 Unless you're doing like a 10-hour drive, you're not saving anything significant.
01:35:33.000 Right, but then there's the idea of the man telling you how fast you can go.
01:35:37.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:35:37.000 Fuck him, man. 1.00
01:35:39.000 Well, I think you should be able to unlock levels like on your driver's license. 1.00
01:35:45.000 That's a good idea.
01:35:45.000 Like, I could get a 75 mile an hour speed limit.
01:35:48.000 I could easily drive at 75 with no problem.
01:35:51.000 Right, if you're like a race car driver.
01:35:53.000 If you know how to really drive and you're super responsible with your choices of lane changing and things along those lines.
01:35:58.000 Yeah.
01:35:58.000 You should be able to drive faster.
01:35:59.000 The problem is, how do you enforce it?
01:36:00.000 You have to pull the person over and then maybe you get a sticker on your car, something.
01:36:03.000 Right, that's good.
01:36:04.000 I'd even drive an ugly car. 0.96
01:36:06.000 Like, I would drive, like, give me a purple Fender.
01:36:09.000 You know, give me something ridiculous that the cops can easily see then and go, okay, that's a 75 mile an hour guy.
01:36:14.000 And if you text in your car, if you text while you're driving, while you're actually moving, I mean, how many times have I looked over and I saw this car acting weird and they're texting?
01:36:22.000 You should just, you should lose your license for a week.
01:36:24.000 Here's the better question. 1.00
01:36:25.000 Yeah, fuck. 1.00
01:36:26.000 When do we pee on this show? 1.00
01:36:28.000 Oh, you have to pee?
01:36:28.000 Go ahead.
01:36:28.000 Go pee now.
01:36:29.000 Alright, cool.
01:36:29.000 We're going to wrap this up soon anyway.
01:36:31.000 I've got to boogie soon.
01:36:32.000 Alright, I'll pee quick.
01:36:32.000 Go ahead.
01:36:33.000 Go pee.
01:36:33.000 Steve Hofstadter, ladies and gentlemen.
01:36:35.000 If you want to see that video, you can find it on his YouTube channel.
01:36:38.000 Actually, if you just look up Steve Hofstadter destroys a heckler, you'll find it.
01:36:44.000 Easy to find.
01:36:45.000 He's got a couple multi-million view heckler videos.
01:36:48.000 Wow.
01:36:49.000 Maybe it's him.
01:36:50.000 Maybe he baits these people. 1.00
01:36:51.000 We don't need to watch them, but he's probably baiting these motherfuckers. 1.00
01:36:55.000 Good dude, though, but crazy traveling around with fucking leashes. 1.00
01:37:00.000 Kidnapping dogs and yelling at PETA people. 1.00
01:37:02.000 Young motherfucking team. 1.00
01:37:03.000 It happened to me one time when I was walking around running. 0.99
01:37:06.000 I had my headphones on and a dog just came running up behind me.
01:37:09.000 It scared me.
01:37:11.000 Whatever, just a dog.
01:37:13.000 And then I kind of like, get away, dog, get away.
01:37:15.000 Shoo, shoo, kind of thing.
01:37:16.000 And there was a girl behind me.
01:37:18.000 But it came back like five minutes later was jumping at me and barking and I was like, get the f- I kinda got pissed, you know what I mean?
01:37:25.000 It was like she was taking her dog and picking up and getting mad at me because I got mad at the dog.
01:37:29.000 Well, people get mad that you don't know their dog is cool.
01:37:33.000 Yeah.
01:37:33.000 Like, how do I know?
01:37:34.000 Your dog could be a fucking maniac, you crazy bitch. 1.00
01:37:37.000 I don't even know her. 1.00
01:37:38.000 I'm talking to her while she's really here.
01:37:39.000 But what do I do? 1.00
01:37:40.000 If I kick it and I'm an asshole now because your dog's going to bite me, I've got to take a bite? 1.00
01:37:43.000 Well, that's also the problem with running with headphones on. 1.00
01:37:46.000 But running with headphones on is so much more inspirational than running without headphones on.
01:37:49.000 I just found out, too, there's a cool thing on Spotify.
01:37:52.000 You can have it set to your pace, your beats per minute.
01:37:57.000 It'll play symphonic movie action-themed song stuff.
01:38:02.000 Really?
01:38:03.000 You're the best around!
01:38:05.000 It'll play that kind of stuff.
01:38:06.000 Nothing's going on!
01:38:08.000 We're talking about running with headphones on a dog, came up to him, barking at him, and, you know, that is disturbing.
01:38:14.000 It happens.
01:38:15.000 Yeah, it can.
01:38:16.000 If you're in the wrong place at the wrong time, and, you know, obviously people do get bit, you know? 0.99
01:38:21.000 Fucking German shepherds, man. 1.00
01:38:22.000 Those little fuckers. 1.00
01:38:26.000 My daughter got bit by a German Shepherd recently. 1.00
01:38:29.000 These people have this dog, and I'm like, this is not a regular dog. 1.00
01:38:32.000 You can't just have this fucking dog in your yard. 1.00
01:38:35.000 You need to teach this dog. 1.00
01:38:36.000 And they're like, oh, well, she's a little rambunctious. 0.51
01:38:38.000 I go, no, this is a working dog.
01:38:40.000 This is a working dog.
01:38:41.000 Do you understand?
01:38:42.000 This is a really smart dog.
01:38:43.000 It's going to figure out a way out of your yard. 1.00
01:38:46.000 And when kids are fucking with it, it's going to bite them. 0.99
01:38:48.000 This is what's going to happen, unless you teach it. 0.99
01:38:50.000 You have to take this thing now, when it's eight months old, and you've got to really train it. 0.95
01:38:54.000 Because it's already fucking 70 pounds. 0.99
01:38:56.000 It's already a big-ass dog. 1.00
01:38:57.000 You have a responsibility when you have a dog like this. 0.98
01:39:00.000 This is not...
01:39:01.000 This is not like a bulldog that'll just sit there and is happy to just drink water and chill out.
01:39:07.000 This is a super active, really aggressive dog.
01:39:10.000 Yeah, it needs to think.
01:39:12.000 You need to give it puzzles.
01:39:14.000 Maybe you can get the birth control pill.
01:39:16.000 This is sort of the same thing along the same lines we were talking about with pit bulls.
01:39:19.000 These animals are bred for a very specific activity. 0.99
01:39:22.000 In order to discourage that activity, boy, you're going to have to fucking throw a lot of tennis balls. 0.98
01:39:27.000 You're going to have to get this dog a lot of exercise. 0.98
01:39:29.000 You're going to have to give this dog a lot of activity, a lot of stuff that they can occupy their mind with.
01:39:36.000 It's like humans being bred for office jobs.
01:39:38.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99
01:39:40.000 Dude, you just fucking nailed it. 0.96
01:39:42.000 Steve Hofstetter, we've got to wrap this up. 0.99
01:39:44.000 I've got to get out of here.
01:39:44.000 If I knew that, I would have held the pee for a little longer.
01:39:47.000 It's not a good deal, dude.
01:39:48.000 This is a casual show.
01:39:49.000 Yeah.
01:39:51.000 So, where can people see you?
01:39:53.000 Where can they see you live?
01:39:54.000 Where can they find your Twitter?
01:39:55.000 Is Steve Hofstetter?
01:39:57.000 Yeah.
01:39:57.000 H-O-F-F-S-T-E-T-T-E-R. Okay, sorry.
01:40:03.000 That's okay.
01:40:04.000 It happens all the time.
01:40:05.000 My YouTube is just YouTube, the Hofstetter.
01:40:08.000 But you can also just Google it.
01:40:10.000 And I have a podcast called Major League Podcast, which is where I interview baseball players.
01:40:14.000 Oh, you're a baseball fan.
01:40:15.000 Yeah, huge baseball fan.
01:40:16.000 Oh, cool, cool, cool.
01:40:17.000 Yeah, I'm doing a thing now where I'm throwing out first pitches.
01:40:19.000 It's like a thing.
01:40:20.000 Oh, nice.
01:40:21.000 It's like my favorite thing to do.
01:40:22.000 Well, listen, man.
01:40:23.000 You're a funny, funny dude.
01:40:24.000 Thank you.
01:40:25.000 I love the Heckler video.
01:40:26.000 It's awesome. 0.64
01:40:26.000 I love that it's blown up for you and you're getting all this attention and all this cool shit's happening for you. 0.64
01:40:31.000 You're part of that, man.
01:40:32.000 And you tweeting out, life has changed for me from six weeks ago.
01:40:36.000 It's crazy.
01:40:37.000 It's awesome.
01:40:38.000 I love it.
01:40:38.000 I love it.
01:40:39.000 Congratulations.
01:40:40.000 Thank you.
01:40:40.000 And more success to you, sir.
01:40:41.000 Thanks for having me on.
01:40:42.000 All right.
01:40:42.000 My pleasure.
01:40:43.000 My pleasure.
01:40:43.000 All right.
01:40:43.000 Well, that's it for the week, you fucks.
01:40:45.000 So we'll see you soon. 0.98
01:40:47.000 We'll be back next week.
01:40:48.000 And much love to all.
01:40:49.000 Thank you.
01:40:49.000 Bye.