On this episode of The Joe Rogan Experience, we have our first guest, comedian and friend of the show, Teeb, join us to talk about his journey to becoming a stand-up comic, how he got started in comedy, and what it takes to be successful in comedy.
00:01:55.000It's like Kevin and Bean and a few local stations in Austin and a few other places, but everywhere else you go, it's just nonsense.
00:02:02.000And then you got satellite radio, but you know, I love satellite radio, but satellite radio is fucking hurting, man.
00:02:08.000They cut back on serious, cut back people's budgets by like 80 fucking percent or something crazy.
00:02:13.000Bubba the love sponge isn't on anymore.
00:02:14.000It's just crazy that we know so many comics from hanging out at local comedy clubs that these guys like Teeb and all these guys would never ever have a chance to ever meet these people.
00:02:24.000So it's kind of cool doing these podcasts because we get to introduce you to people that we know that you would probably never know unless they made it.
00:02:50.000And he's supposed to be here at three, but he thought it was four, so we decided to kick it off without him.
00:02:55.000But he's another guy, you know, hilarious comic.
00:02:58.000And what brings you to the dance as a comic oftentimes is very different from what you need to establish a successful business as an entity, as Jeff Foxworthy or Brian Redband.
00:03:12.000If you want to put your name out there, you have to start thinking marketing.
00:03:17.000That's where Dane Cook was the master.
00:03:19.000He figured out how to do that way before anyway.
00:03:21.000I never put any consideration to any of that shit at all.
00:03:24.000I always thought, well, you just did your stuff and then they put you on TV and then it worked.
00:03:29.000You didn't have to worry about all that stuff.
00:03:30.000But then I realized, well, then you're at the mercy of these other people to put you on TV.
00:03:34.000Whereas the internet, like I'm on the internet every day.
00:03:36.000And for whatever reason, I never thought, well, fuck, I should like promote myself on the internet.
00:03:43.000You should like, that's why constantly updating by Twitter and Facebooks and just anything is so important for a comic.
00:03:50.000And then when you talk to these comics, they're like, I don't have a Twitter, I don't have a Facebook, or, you know, or, or, or Pete, as an example, he has two Twitter accounts, but he has one that's his name and one that's some other crazy name, Eskaris or something like that.
00:04:02.000And it's like, why aren't you using the one with your name?
00:04:44.000And I guess donations are a good way to do it, really.
00:04:49.000Because instead of saying, hey, I want 50 bucks a month or whatever the fuck you would ever ask me, never asked for that much, but a year or whatever the hell you would ask, you can get this level membership and you can come in a meet and greet.
00:07:01.000You know, I think about shit like this in a different way.
00:07:04.000You know, this chick was over there and apparently she got separated from her camera crew and they beat her and raped her for a half an hour.
00:07:45.000I don't fucking ever trust that anything that happens in another country, that we just let shit happen.
00:07:50.000You know, I mean, whenever like, like that Valerie, I forget how you say her last name, Plam, Plam Pia, the one that one of the, it wasn't Dick Cheney, maybe Donald Rumsfeld, one of those guys outed her as an undercover CIA agent because her husband had done something that pissed them off, testified against them.
00:08:09.000I don't know what the circumstances were, but they found out that she was an undercover CIA agent.
00:08:42.000Most big planes, you know, like real flights, not like here to Vegas, you know, but like most big flights, there's like one or two guys on the plane.
00:08:52.000I've sat next to them before, and you start talking to them.
00:08:54.000And then, you know, they tell you that they are.
00:08:56.000I don't think they're supposed to, but they've done it to me.
00:08:59.000And many people I've talked to before have done that.
00:09:01.000But if you think of it that way, that's like one out of 400 people, and that's on a plane.
00:09:06.000How many people in real life do we know?
00:09:09.000Well, that's definitely a big difference between undercover marshals who are there to protect your safety and the idea of these undercover CIA agents who are just manipulating shit abroad.
00:09:19.000I mean, how many of them are working in various industries and they think, I mean, that was like a famous quote from one of the former heads of the CIA that every single person of any significance in the media has been compromised.
00:10:01.000Just go up to Jimmy Fallon and be like, hey, Jimmy Fallon, hey, let's go ahead.
00:10:03.000And then just lay it on him and look right in his eyes and just see what, like if he sees that little, you see that little like, what the fuck?
00:10:08.000It's pretty much likely that a comedian wouldn't be in the CIA except for Dennis Miller.
00:10:15.000Dennis Miller, I think that guy turned, he turned Republican and conservative hard so quick.
00:10:26.000There's a video and it was on my Twitter.
00:10:27.000I put it up from a few days ago and it was Bill O'Reilly.
00:10:31.000And it was all about the Obama healthcare thing that he had a guy on his show and the guy, Bill O'Reilly was accusing the guy of lying about Fox News.
00:10:41.000And the guy was saying that they've said on Fox News that if you don't have health insurance, they can lock you in jail.
00:10:47.000So Bill O'Reilly's going, you know, that is impossible.
00:10:57.000And then they show a montage of Fox News reporters saying that you can go to jail if you don't have health care over and over and over and over.
00:11:20.000And that's like why he left that crazy voicemail on that Broads answering machine when he's supposed to be this voice of conservative reason and he's trying to fuck this chick with a loofah sponge and shit.
00:11:32.000The point is he says this and then they show this giant fucking montage of these Fox News reporters.
00:11:38.000And then they show Dennis Miller on Bill O'Reilly's show.
00:11:43.000And this is the day after the guy was on, before this video had come out.
00:11:46.000And Dennis Miller's going, how about that guy that tried to throw that at you the other day?
00:11:52.000You know, boy, I haven't seen a guy with his hat in his hand, you know, since, you know, he comes up with some ridiculous reference that nobody, including him, really understands.
00:12:00.000But I'm like, my God, did you see this video?
00:12:02.000Like, there's a fucking 10 guy saying it.
00:12:04.000Like, what are you talking about, man?
00:14:44.000So she'd never be able to listen to the podcast.
00:14:46.000No, but she just got a, I taught her how to teether.
00:14:49.000So I got her this Verizon Windows phone, and she now can teether to her lap or her computer, and now she can get internet using Verizon's data network by teethering.
00:15:00.000So now she's actually can download podcasts and crap like that.
00:15:03.000I'm kind of fucking in trouble because, I mean, oh, it sucks.
00:16:03.000Meanwhile, I don't mind doing jiu-jitsu.
00:16:04.000You know, if I actually thought about what jiu-jitsu was while I was doing it, while someone's sweating on you, because it's like a man's chest sweat on your face all the time.
00:16:12.000You know, it's very rare in life that you get a man's chest sweat on your face for more than 20 minutes if you're not a homosexual.
00:16:56.000It would have sucked if you lived in our neighborhood.
00:16:59.000Because first of all, there was like when I was growing up, when I lived in Jamaica, playing especially, because that was a poor neighborhood and there was a lot of crazy kids there.
00:17:09.000We would play in the street all the time.
00:17:10.000Like you would literally go outside your house and you go into the street and the street was the playground.
00:17:14.000We would play stick ball on the street.
00:18:03.000But if I had video games back then, and I was nervous going and hanging out with these weird Puerto Rican kids and these fucking Irish hooligans.
00:18:12.000There was like these fucking hooligans in my neighborhood.
00:19:29.000You have to stitch it back Together, yeah, you know, times are kind of tough right now.
00:19:33.000Meanwhile, you pay extra for these jeans that are fucked up.
00:19:36.000I don't know if you pay extra anymore.
00:19:37.000I think you used to, but now I think that's the normal, and you pay extra now to not have them just fucked up.
00:19:41.000I think it's backwards now, like skinny jeans and shit like that, like colored Jordash, purple Jordashes are way more expensive than just a jean that has a whole one.
00:21:29.000They had TV screens halfway through, though, and it had the whole UFC thing where like halfway through, people were watching the TV screens and talking more than they were in the front.
00:21:37.000There was a lot of times where I was like, yeah, I did good.
00:21:39.000But then you talk to somebody that was sitting in the back and it was all right, man.
00:21:42.000You know, like it was weird because people talked in the back.
00:22:56.000It just seems like if it's a stadium and everyone's not being quiet, it's just a cluster fuck of people talking and having fun, and then there's a guy in the middle talking.
00:23:33.000The real bottom line about a big, big show is there's something that you gain because there's so much energy and there's so many people, but there's something that you lose.
00:23:42.000Like there's a little bit of a connection that you lose.
00:23:45.000And that's like, I've never done anything like that.
00:23:47.000The most I've ever done is probably those Kevin and Bean shows.
00:23:50.000We did like six or seven thousand people.
00:24:23.000If you could figure out a way to get 50,000 people all on top of you, like maybe you were in like some sort of a balcony like on Tron with no bottom to it and you enter into this giant void of people where there's like a hundred Star Wars Star Wars exactly.
00:24:39.000Like when Luke Skywalker, when he got his hand chopped off, that kind of shit.
00:25:50.000Yeah, he freaked me out, though, because he said it right before I was going on stage.
00:25:53.000You know, when you're about to go on stage and you're trying to get into your frame of mind and someone's just talking to you, hey, Sal's Comedy Pole.
00:26:13.000No, I pretty much at Sal's every day, I just pretty much tried new ways to do bits or all new bits, like just practicing, like see if there's something there.
00:26:23.000Like, you know, at least at least if there's a reason to go forward on certain bits.
00:26:27.000And then sometimes it's like last night, I just thought of this whole new way to do all my bits, like a story that goes over all these little stories, like another layer, I guess, to make it sound more natural.
00:26:38.000So that was a huge step in my stand-up last night was just doing it, doing my act now different.
00:29:22.000But anyways, we're going there and we meet, we go to this table and it was like one of the service table, like tequila and a person making drinks, you know, around it.
00:29:31.000And I was just hanging out there and suddenly I just looked to the right of me and I'm sitting, this was Lindsay Lohan's table.
00:29:36.000And I was like, I guess they knew each other.
00:29:38.000And so I'm just standing there staring at her.
00:29:58.000And then she just like turns around, walks out this door, the back alley door, passes out in her car.
00:30:04.000The next morning on TMZ, there was the famous picture where she's passed out and she's like, whoa, like drilling on the side of her, inside of her car.
00:30:12.000That was the night that I was with her.
00:30:13.000And she was just drinking so much tequila that I guess.
00:30:17.000But then the next day I tweeted something like, this is what happens when you hang out with Red Band or something.
00:33:13.000I'm doing really well everywhere but the U.S. except the U.S. Do you spend a lot of time doing the clubs in the U.S. or you just don't have any kind of kind of stuff?
00:33:35.000Mad TV, I went to network on Mad TV and I faked the migraine so I didn't have to do my final audition and I just went home because I didn't want to be on the show.
00:39:39.000Stephen Merchant as the agent in Extras is just freaking brilliant.
00:39:43.000Mickey Gervais, for whatever reason, was never really on my radar.
00:39:46.000I just never paid attention until, I mean, everybody always said The Office was great, but I never watched it until that fucking speech at the Golden Globes.
00:44:17.000That's the kind of analogy that you would get from someone who would tell you not to smoke pot on a podcast where you're obviously baked out of your head.
00:47:46.000And then, so then he goes into like this other fucking heartache, this other heartbreak, and he couldn't fucking eat and he lost 30 pounds.
00:47:53.000Like he keeps going into these heart, one heartbreak after another, you know, because I'm sympathetic.
00:47:57.000I'm like, wow, man, that fucking sucks.
00:48:29.000Girls like guys that are nice and they're fun and they're going to get their shit together.
00:48:33.000But they also want guys that are confident, too.
00:48:35.000If you're not confident, girls run for the hills.
00:48:37.000Yeah, and especially if you don't make them feel like you're having fun.
00:48:40.000I mean, life is supposed to be about you get a bunch of people together, you all enjoy each other's company, you have fun.
00:48:45.000But if you got someone who's like creating artificial drama and you feel better when you're not with them, it's just a matter of time before you wisen up and kick that.
00:49:42.000He had the two girls with him in the car.
00:49:44.000And like a Rolls-Royce or something like that.
00:49:46.000And it's funny because that's all first-generation immigration to the U.S. always has that reflexive of the idea of what they think the U.S. is versus what it truly is.
00:50:13.000America is, actually, it sounds corny, but America, the thing that separates Americans from everybody else is that sort of sublime, unkillable hope.
00:50:23.000Like they always say, if you meet an American, eventually, someday they all believe that one day they're going to be rich.
00:50:28.000And they vote now for when that's going to happen.
00:50:32.000Canadians don't think they're going to be rich ever.
00:50:41.000I mean, is it good to have that hope and be cunty because you're chasing it down?
00:50:45.000I don't know what's better, to be completely honest with you, because, I mean, some of the greatest things in the world have taken place because of that ambition and hope.
00:50:52.000At the same point, some of the most compassionate things in the world take place because of, I think, of a lot of the Canadian principles and ideals.
00:51:01.000It's like, it's a fine dance between the two ideas.
00:51:03.000And the problem with American is that go get it and go get them, fucking, you know, chase down your dreams, all that shit leads to a lot of douchebags.
00:51:47.000And if you follow these retards around, you get to know who they are, and then all of a sudden the fucking story takes place because now you know her and you know she doesn't like Deb and Tony used to date her and fuck I'm locked into this now and do you know how many of those shows they will follow around Nothing fucking happens, so they have to artificially create tension by writing it in.
00:52:04.000That's how shitty their lives are, dude.
00:52:05.000That's why Duncan Trussell didn't do the comedy store one when they were doing one at the comedy store.
00:52:10.000The reason we stepped out of it, he didn't want to do it.
00:52:12.000You know, they were going to like create things.
00:52:50.000Is it because people are fucking tired?
00:52:52.000Is it like you get home from work and you're exhausted and you're working all day chasing a dream and most people are in debt and they just want some nonsense escape without too much thinking?
00:53:01.000There's enough wealth in our Western society that we don't have to work this hard to survive.
00:53:05.000We're sort of being run on a treadmill on purpose.
00:53:10.000Because the financial system is so fucking entangled.
00:53:15.000If you divided up the top, even half of the top wealth in this country, still allowing them to be wealthy, but at a half percent, half of what they are, you'd have enough to raise almost everybody out of poverty in this country.
00:53:36.000If I could argue against pure unadulterated capitalism, there's the infrastructure on some level that is dependent upon the creation of the entire society, be it the highways, the phone lines, the code of laws, the way we treat ourselves.
00:54:18.000You had a son and your son was an awesome guy and he loved to surf and you didn't want him to have to get a job.
00:54:23.000You're like, look, bro, I'm going to give you my million dollars and then you live a frugal life and you'll never have to work again and then you could just surf.
00:54:30.000A little bit's fine, but I don't believe it.
00:54:42.000If you have money that you want to give to a kid, you love your kid and you want to leave him your money, you're saying he shouldn't be able to get your money?
00:55:03.000The Carnegie Foundation or the Foundation or perhaps some of the great foundations that have changed the face of the world in philanthropy.
00:55:11.000That would be a different way to go, like the Rockefeller Society.
00:55:14.000These groups have done and created great systems of art that wouldn't have created without their money.
00:55:19.000But no, or you could hold on to it with both your little hands and then the government pries it out and builds a highway.
00:55:24.000Yeah, but why would anyone have the right to say what you can and cannot leave for your children?
00:56:06.000I don't like most of the people in government.
00:56:07.000I don't think government's the answer to a lot of things, but I don't think that we should be creating hierarchical sort of niches in society reflective of the feudalist domination that we used to have when we were serfs.
00:56:16.000And that's what this concentration of wealth that's not divided after is created.
00:56:20.000But that's ridiculous, because what if this guy built it up from scratch all on his own?
00:56:23.000He wants to give it to his children because they aided him in getting to that position by giving him a stable family and giving him love and support that enabled him to be super successful.
00:56:31.000If their kids aided them in the creation of it, then the kids earned money on the process and they should have lots of money from their own endeavors on the same path, like the Walmart family.
00:56:39.000Wow, dude, that's some crazy socialism.
00:58:22.000Everybody, in every group, there's going to be people striving to be great.
00:58:25.000You don't think your quality of life is better if you're rich than if you're not?
00:58:28.000No, in Canada, it's better, but it's not like it.
00:58:31.000The thing is the difference between poor and rich is much greater here than like the if you're the richest guy in a city like the city I come from it's 90,000 people so if you're the richest guy in that city and you're like middle class or lower class in that city you have a general quality of life in that city about equal if not a maybe a little worse because maybe they have something cool in their house i would not trust social engineering to to many people you know i don't i don't think many people would have the right intentions and
00:59:01.000And once they get into a position of power, it's up to them to decide where money goes and which agencies get allocated.
00:59:15.000But I'm saying that there's no reason why we shouldn't be striving to be better than what we are now where we wouldn't trust people like this.
00:59:20.000Yeah, but I don't think the way is to the real way is to encourage philanthropy and love and to encourage it, though, but not to mandate it, not to get in and decide.
00:59:29.000But some group of people just gank someone's resources because they left this dimension.
00:59:34.000But there's so many people that exist right now that I think that are, and maybe this is probably naive because I'm sure they've existed all throughout time, but they're just more in the eye of the media or people or whatever.
00:59:45.000I've never seen a level of greed that I've seen now in this generation.
01:01:46.000Like, not a single thing can be tackled.
01:01:48.000And, you know, people have to abandon the idea of a two-party system, too.
01:01:52.000We have to abandon the idea that these two people are the only ideas out there and that they're diametrically opposed from each other and they're battling constantly.
01:02:35.000I see what you're saying, though, that we shouldn't play all this game.
01:02:38.000And that if the society was utopian and if society was if we really came to some point of enlightenment where we really treated each other like brothers and sisters and all kind of work together.
01:02:48.000And instead of money, figure out some strange sort of a barter system or get what you need because I know you have good character and you contribute because you're conscientious.
01:02:56.000Have that like a universal across the board thing.
01:03:29.000And I think there's a lot of enlightened people and there's a lot of people that are thinking about things a lot differently than they were 10 years ago or 20 years ago.
01:03:37.000Because of this, because the Internet is a big part of it.
01:03:39.000Because we're all talking to each other.
01:03:40.000And also because the Internet's allowing some extreme points of view to come and talk to each other where they're forced to be isolatory before.
01:03:46.000Especially, I think, when it comes to, I mean, everybody's arguing that it's allowing the fringe groups to become more radical.
01:03:59.000If you grew up in a really tiny white town in Idaho or whatever, you know, like that, you might not ever be.
01:04:03.000meet another race in general or whatever and so i think that the as much as people are complaining oh this is bringing us way more together than we've ever been yeah i agree with you i agree with you i agree with you i mean when you look at the sheer numbers i mean there should be fights and deaths on the street all day it should be you know the sheer numbers of people there's there's so many goddamn people it's amazing that people aren't killing each other more than they are yeah you know it really is amazing you know yeah especially with the driving here there's a message board that i go to and one of the reasons why i go to is because it's not it's the the mixmartial arts.com it's
01:04:34.000It's an interesting message board because there's a lot of intelligent people, and then there's a lot of super retards on there, too.
01:04:40.000And the super retards will jump on, and they're like, It's always the same story with these libs.
01:05:04.000went up on the but i i go on and i was reading all the comments on it and it's all left-wing white or right-wing everything this massive argument i'm like both sides sounds like idiots.
01:05:13.000You pick a fucking team, it's like you pick an argument.
01:08:17.000You're fucking sitting there in a desk staring at some other half-wit across from you, and you're holding two fucking soup cans connected by strings that are attached to this meter.
01:08:26.000And you're telling me that you just now figured out that you've been an occult.
01:13:49.000Well, it was just like, you know, I had to listen to the Anthony Robbins cassettes.
01:13:54.000I used to, when I was writing comedy, I would listen to the Anthony Robbins cassettes, get fired up to get motivated because I'm fucking lazy with a lot of shit.
01:14:32.000It was like every week an opportunity to come to some free workshop or there's this or there's that or there's a new offer and come on down and get a free examination, a free psychological exam.
01:14:55.000But they say a lot of shit that can help you.
01:14:57.000That's what's really nutty about a lot of cults.
01:14:59.000It's like you can't just blanket say that they're all bad because yes, they are bad, but sometimes really fucking wacky people just need a path.
01:15:08.000They need someone to put a collar on them, hold their hand, and get them going.
01:15:12.000And when you do do that and you put them in some sort of a situation like that, they can flourish and be successful and even be fucking happy.
01:15:18.000They're lacking the critical thinking skills that makes you go, well, what the fuck, who wrote that?
01:15:59.000If your religion that you're thinking of joining doesn't have any jokes about itself, can't laugh about it.
01:16:03.000I think they all have a sense of humor because I'm not sure what's going on.
01:16:09.000I went on belief.net and tried to find it.
01:16:11.000I used to chat with them all the time trying to, do you have any jokes?
01:16:14.000So you don't think during their sermons or whatever they're called, their meetings, you don't think they have like a sense of joking humor on?
01:16:22.000First of all, I don't know how they structure the whole thing, but I know that it's very secretive and they keep information from everybody except the highest levels.
01:16:29.000And it takes a long time to get to the highest levels.
01:16:31.000And once you get there, you have to spend a fuckload of money.
01:16:34.000So a lot of times people get invested in it because they look, I'm not a loser.
01:16:38.000I haven't given these people half a million dollars over the course of 25 years because I'm a loser.
01:17:33.000They never actually came out and said they're religion.
01:17:35.000They said we're done prosecuting because they filed so many lawsuits that the IRS said this would cost us more to fight these than it would to settle it out and just call them a religion.
01:18:28.000Well, I think religion is absolutely fascinating.
01:18:30.000I think it's very interesting, and I think it may very well be.
01:18:35.000Look, I got this weird way of looking at things.
01:18:37.000And one of the ways I look at things is that everything is natural.
01:18:40.000And that just like animal behavior is very bizarre and complex, but natural, alpha and beta wolf behavior and things that they've done forever, then they have this sort of coordinated, and it's very strange.
01:18:51.000I think human beings are so much more complex.
01:18:55.000And with language, there's so many more variables.
01:18:58.000But I have a feeling that the way people behave is just as natural as those bees making beehives and just as natural as wolves that are kicking the betas out.
01:19:06.000I think we have a whole bunch of components in place that are very obviously moving society into a certain direction.
01:19:15.000And I think your enlightenment and your ideas about the future are all really a part of it.
01:19:22.000It's all to try to trans, I mean, these open ideas and reality and clear-headedness and love tries to move it into the best possible scenario when it gets there.
01:19:32.000But where it's going is it's pretty clear that everything we do is sort of designed to move things forward in that direction.
01:19:59.000It's hard to look at it all together like it's one big organism that's all moving and every single emotion and every single car accident is all inexorably entwined into one big mathematical algorithm that's way too big for us to really comprehend.
01:20:14.000But that might be what it's all about.
01:20:16.000I mean, the idea of free will, I mean, has been disputed many, many times.
01:20:19.000You know, the idea of that, is it really free will when you're dealing with you being influenced by a dozen different fucking hormones and neurotransmitters and emotions and all these different things that are flying around in the air and you might be drunk and like, how much of that is free will?
01:20:50.000How scary it is to think that stupid people are breeding like crazy.
01:20:56.000So eventually, if things just happen naturally and progress like the world's going to make them, then intellectual people are going to just be wiped off the planet soon.
01:26:27.000A lot of new details this morning about that Los Angeles television reporter who suddenly began slurring her speech and speaking gibberish in her report on the Grammys.
01:26:36.000The video of Serena quickly went viral.
01:26:39.000He has a lot more on this medical dude.
01:27:38.000That did seem like a little mini stroke or some brain injury.
01:27:41.000It seemed to me like she definitely seemed like she knew something was wrong, but at the end, she thought she was saying, go back to you guys.
01:27:47.000Like, it seemed like that was the indication that she had completed her thing that she was trying to get out.
01:27:53.000It reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode I saw growing up where the guy just starts noticing little words changing, like, hey, go outside and play with the encyclopedia.
01:29:57.000You know, I've read more about the origins of the Bible than I've read the Bible.
01:30:01.000The most fascinating thing that I've read is that the original Bible was written in ancient Hebrew, besides the Dead Sea Scrolls, which is in Aramaic, and that's an interesting one because it's actually written on animal skins.
01:30:11.000And one of the ways they put together the Dead Sea Scrolls was they had to do the DNA of the animal so that they could figure out which animal pieces were connected to which animal pieces.
01:30:21.000Like it's painstaking work trying to piece it all together.
01:31:02.000The one you're reading is the nonsense one written by Constantine and a bunch of bishops.
01:31:07.000you ain't even reading the fucking fire and brimstone.
01:31:09.000The original one is Peter, do you really love me?
01:31:11.000three times, and it comes out three times as love you in English.
01:31:15.000But in even like the four translations back in Greek, he's asking him three different ways: Do you love me as a father, as a protector, and as a lover?
01:31:23.000Like, this is what people need to realize.
01:31:25.000No matter how much people knew at one point in time, even if people, you know, really had figured out some incredible way of moving stone that we can't replicate today, and that's how they were able to build the pyramids, we are still the smartest motherfuckers that have ever been on the face of the planet by far, the most aware, the most informed, right fucking now for sure.
01:31:45.000And if there's no magic dude talking to us now, okay, there was no magic dude back then, and people are full of shit, and that story sucks.
01:33:21.000Grunting fucks that lived to be 30, and they smelled like shit, and they shot loads into each other, and they hoped they stuck.
01:33:26.000Oh, yeah, the meat will inherit the earth.
01:33:28.000Yeah, they were dying like flies, those fucks.
01:33:30.000And then every now and then, a bunch of men would get together in a bunch of boy fucking hordes, and they would take over entire countries.
01:33:37.000They would roam the earth and fucking chop people up with swords.
01:36:43.000Because I, well, you know, I only get two tickets, so it's usually I bring Eddie Bravo because he goes with me because he works for the UFC too.
01:36:50.000And then, you know, the other thing is, like, it's not that easy to just get over there.
01:38:53.000But as of next week, if you're British and you're listening to this, I'm at the comedia in Brighton, and then I'm at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, then I'm in Vancouver taping the debaters, then off to the New Zealand International Comedy Festival.
01:39:46.000Well, if you're proprietary, if you're actually living in there, you can prove that you're proprietary living in there, then they're trespassing in your thing.
01:39:52.000But if you can't prove that he wasn't living in that house, they were vacant.
01:41:55.000You know, most of us, most people that I know think that really fucking horrible people should be removed from the face of the earth for their own good too, man.
01:42:02.000I think we should use them for medical experience.
01:42:37.000So this powerful man decides to have you arrested on trumped-up charges, makes, forces his wife into, you know, going along with it, or she loses the money.
01:42:45.000Yeah, you get fucked for a little bit.
01:43:49.000Yeah, he was beat up by a white supremacist, a young muscular white supremacist, because he was running around bragging about all the white chicks he banged.
01:43:57.000Of course, this is just the official story.
01:46:25.000The real problem with comedy is that it's just one giant genre.
01:46:29.000It's like, you know, go to see live music and you'll have like a rapper followed by a country music singer followed by Guns N' Roses, you know?
01:46:36.000It amazes me the lack of insight some of the people putting together bills get into it.
01:46:40.000Like, especially in England where they'll have like a guitar player in front and then a high energy guy and then a low energy closer.
01:46:46.000Like, dude, you can't follow low energy.
01:46:49.000Yeah, especially somebody who's like, they don't know what their audience wants and they go, well, we'll just give them everything and hopefully they'll like one thing and they'll come back.
01:53:35.000Yeah, also in that package that you're talking about, how crazy is also that vindictive jealousy that women can get for a man's success when they're in the same career as them and one doesn't have any success of any type.
01:53:46.000There was a lot of issues with that little situation.
01:53:49.000We're talking about Phil Hartman to not dance around it.
01:53:52.000There was a, you know, what it was is he had, you know, settled with a woman that he liked 30% of the time.
01:53:58.00070% of the time, he wanted to run the fuck away from her, and she was crazy, and, you know, she would party, and it was just a really unhealthy relationship.
01:56:22.000Yeah, I know I've had a bunch of patterns in my life where I'm like, am I letting this weird pattern define me when this is not even what I like to do?
01:56:28.000Like, why is this, why am I stuck doing the same thing over and over again?
01:56:32.000Why do I have the same sabotage things that keep happening in my life?
01:56:35.000Your evolution's been interesting, though, because it's one that's voyeuristic to a lot of people that are fans of yours and well as people that like and know you.
01:56:42.000Because I've watched you online and the things you talk about and the more complexities and the more understandings you get and your passions and your stuff because you live life out loud through the help of this media savvy motherfucker.
01:56:52.000But it's neat because watching somebody else evolve inspires other people to involve evolve.
01:56:58.000Well, you know, I'm just doing what all these other people are doing too.
01:57:01.000It's like we're all in it together, you know.
01:57:03.000I mean, one of the coolest things about this internet experience is the sharing of information and ideas.
01:57:08.000Like, somebody sent me some video today of some fucking guy in the jungle climbing to this top of this tree to get some honey, and he's climbing up with these leaves and fires that got a hot ember in the leaves.
01:57:20.000And he goes, this fucking tree is like 500 feet in the air.
01:57:23.000And this guy's slowly climbing up to the top of this tree so he can get some honey.
01:57:27.000We were doing the podcast on Tuesday or yesterday.
01:57:29.000We were doing the podcast yesterday, and the power went out, and we were like, bitches.
01:57:34.000The power went out in this fucking house on a paved road with no wild animals anywhere to be seen.
01:57:41.000And Joey Diaz is like, you know, you better call the gas and electric cocksucker.
01:57:53.000And I'm thinking while I'm watching this fucking guy climb this tree, I'm like, wow, this is another reality right here on Earth, 2011, human beings.
01:58:01.000They could live this way where you're terrified when the lights go out, or you could climb a 500-foot fucking tree with a vine, wrapping a vine around and pulling themselves up step by step all the way to the top to get some honey.
01:58:14.000You're either terrified when they go out or you're terrified when they go on.
01:58:17.000This dude was getting fucked up by bees too.
01:58:21.000500 feet in the air, fucked up by bees.
01:58:23.000Can you imagine that guy walking home into his hut and having his wife start talking about minuscule bullshit?
01:58:30.000You know what someone so said at the tree today?
01:59:43.000In the last couple months, the massive hive death.
01:59:46.000They've figured out that it's a combination, they're pretty sure of a combination of a mite and a fungus together when they happen is causing.
01:59:55.000I thought there was still some debate.
01:59:56.000Well, they found a resistant hive group outside, actually, in England.
02:00:00.000That's why I know it because it was in The Guardian.
02:00:01.000And they're trying to cross-breed them now with all the other bees.
02:00:04.000Oh, they're going to make super bees and fuck the world.
02:00:07.000The last time we did it was fucking killer bees.
02:00:09.000The next one's going to be serial killer bees.
02:00:12.000They're going to make these killer bees that are going to get tuned into all the Wi-Fi signals, and they're going to decode all the ones and zeros and become super intelligent.
02:01:02.000We'd already explained this before, so I'll be really brief.
02:01:04.000Bill O'Reilly had some guy on that was claiming that Fox News was saying that people would go to jail if they didn't get health insurance.
02:01:11.000And Bill O'Reilly was saying, no, we've never said that.
02:01:13.000And then they show like instance after instance, like over and over and over again, of them actually saying that.
02:01:18.000And that's what's funny about the video.
02:01:19.000But at the end of the video, Dennis Miller goes on the Bill O'Reilly show, and he's talking about this instance where the guy was clearly right.
02:01:26.000But Dennis is like, how about that guy yesterday showing up without the facts?
02:01:31.000The guy walk around carrying his hat in his hand.
02:01:33.000I'm like, and he had this like really bad like Monday Night Football Era one-liner that he went with it.
02:01:38.000You know, back since Till LaHun was on the first proud, you know, one of those fucking nonsensical, it doesn't mean anything.
02:01:45.000I'm just happy that you got through it, so I'll laugh with you.
02:01:47.000You know, you're not saying anything, you know.
02:01:49.000And I was like, wow, how weird is this that a comic is doing this?
02:02:29.000Back in the old days, I mean, I don't know who wrote the shit that, you know, I don't know the deal behind it, but there was one time where I was at a urinal.
02:02:35.000Him and I had a urinal, and it was like 2001 at one of these NBT things.
02:02:39.000And it was the first time I ever met him.
02:03:50.000It's like, you know, there's certain conversations they get into.
02:03:53.000It's like, we're like, look, man, you're not doing anything any different than the other side.
02:03:57.000You're just being completely ridiculous and segmented into your own ideology.
02:04:01.000You've got it all boxed up in a, you know, a clean package where this is acceptable and this is not, and you're not willing to consider other things.
02:04:07.000I like Rachel Maddow, and I like Bill Maher, and I love Jon Stewart.
02:04:12.000Cole Bear's got to be the most brilliant guy I've ever seen in my fucking life.
02:04:49.000But apart from him and a couple other guys, like, you know, there's so many fucking left-wing comedy shows making fun of the news, but there's very few making fun of and supporting the regime.
02:05:23.000But clearly, you know, you would see when Bush was in office, he was like, that was, they were going after them.
02:05:29.000They were going after their ideas and exposing how ridiculous they were, right?
02:05:33.000You don't see, what I'm saying is you don't see any right-wing comedians that were like supporting Bush with comedy, going after it and supporting it, you know, exposing the stories in the news.
02:07:04.000Everybody always talks about negative stuff about Muslims, if I could say something.
02:07:06.000The Coptic Christians that were getting blown up in the churches in Egypt, this is my favorite story I saw on the news.
02:07:11.000After 61 of them were killed in Alexandria, the local Muslim community offered to walk them to church every day to protect them from attacks.
02:07:52.000natural cycle people fucking scream at you telling you that gloom you're You don't even know about the global warming, pseudoscience, and alcohol.
02:08:02.000That cocksucker's flying around in a fucking $7 million jack.
02:08:34.000They don't even know how big it is, really, because they haven't done like an accurate survey.
02:08:38.000They would have to like go around this thing and get submarines and figure out because it's like a lot of it's floating under the surface of the water so you can't even see it.
02:08:46.000It's these micro tiny micro pellets too of the plastic because it dissolves into the usable form for more.
02:08:52.000We never even heard about this until like a few years ago.
02:08:55.000I remember when they said it was the size of just Manhattan.
02:08:58.000That was about what was it, 10 years ago maybe?
02:09:55.000We're going to have another thing just as bad.
02:09:56.000I think these mega-apocalyptic sort of environmental disasters are going to speed up as we're desperately scrounging for the last available different types of resource.
02:10:04.000Not just we're running out of every type of resources, rare metals, all sorts of things.
02:10:08.000These open-pit mines around the world, we're going deeper and deeper.
02:10:11.000We're just, as we scrounge for the last little bits, we're going to sacrifice a whole lot more.
02:10:16.000How long does it take to make topsoil?
02:10:18.000Oh, topsoil takes 6,000 years per quarter inch.
02:11:08.000They're buying up arable land all across Africa.
02:11:12.000They're planning on this crunch that's going on.
02:11:14.000They brought up Madagascar, Tanzania, Zambia, these massive acreages where they're growing food just for China right now.
02:11:21.000The U.S. doesn't have a commercial entity that's doing anything similar to this right now.
02:11:24.000Monsanto, being the big sort of influencer in global food, is actually shrinking the amount of arable land by forcing people to use these fucking genetic resource seeds that can afford it.
02:11:36.000And those who can't afford it don't grow crops.
02:11:38.000We were talking about Monsanto yesterday and the fact that it's believed they've acquired Blackwater.
02:11:45.000They've done it through some sort of a third party.
02:11:47.000There was talk about them acquiring it.
02:11:49.000And the official story from the people that have investigated it, they say literally there's no way to tell whether or not Monsanto has picked up Blackwater.
02:11:59.000Blackwater is a mercenary outfit that was one of the most popular ones during the Iraq war.
02:12:05.000They actually had to change their name because they did so much fucked up shit.
02:12:09.000I forget what they changed their name.
02:12:11.000They weren't under USMC military court justice when they were in Iraq.
02:12:15.000So they could do stuff that the military get prosecuted for, like shoot civilians in the back, stuff like that.
02:12:21.000So, you know, I don't know if, again, I have a...
02:12:25.000But they were involved in a lot of sketchy stuff, you know?
02:12:28.000And not all of them, but I think a lot of them.
02:12:30.000What we were talking about is how crazy it is that everybody talks about how ruthless these seed companies are, Monsanto, especially.
02:12:36.000They're prosecuting people who have their seeds who've just cross-pollinated, you know, they get in the breeze and they grow on someone's fields.
02:13:05.000They patented parts of, they're trying to patent parts of pigs.
02:13:09.000The breast cancer gene, the gene that causes breast cancer, they patented and charged universities $150,000 if they wanted to use it to research breast cancer cures.
02:13:22.000But here's what I wanted to ask you by bringing up this fucking doom and gloom.
02:13:25.000Do you choose how much to, and one of the reasons why is because this is a very main idea that I've been bouncing around in my head lately.
02:13:35.000Do you choose how much negative shit you allow to get in your head?
02:13:39.000Do you choose, like, I mean, you look at something like this, what Blackwater did and, you know, what's going on over here, and what happened to that lady in Egypt, the reporter, and you're like, okay, how much of this is really affecting me?
02:13:48.000That's a really good question because that's something I battle with all the time.
02:13:52.000And I try to limit my psychology of getting dark rather than I'll still, I'll read everything I can.
02:13:58.000I never stop reading about the negative stuff.
02:14:00.000But if I feel myself getting sort of like caught in a whirlpool of negativity, I pull myself out and do other stuff.
02:14:25.000He's doing all these low-tech devices to purify water across Africa that costs nothing to run.
02:14:32.000He's doing all these positive things for the world using technology.
02:14:35.000And there's a lot of hope in this section.
02:14:37.000I try to balance my negative stuff with that.
02:14:40.000Yeah, no, that's a good way to do it, man.
02:14:42.000You got to try to, as much as you can, manage the kind of frequency that your mind carries around in it.
02:14:48.000But this is a good segue to my podcast that I want you to do for 50 minutes on, which if people want to have him on, we haven't put him up yet, but we're interviewing all sorts of people from different fields about how they think the world's going to end and what's going to cause it.
02:15:32.000There's a new theory that it's a cyclical thing, and that the entire cycle of the Big Bang to compression expansion is just, it goes on and on and on and on and on forever.
02:15:41.000But also, how do you measure time when time itself is a relative sort of component of a fourth dimension that didn't exist prior to the Big Bang?
02:15:47.000So everything as it's expanding is actually kind of how do you go time?
02:15:50.000Because it's all subjective for anybody else to say.
02:15:52.000It's impossible to wrap your head around because there's time on hot tops.
02:17:45.000Maybe memories and consciousness, maybe that's non-local.
02:17:48.000Maybe the body, the reason why when the body is deteriorated, it's ineffective at recalling memories might not just be the memories that are stored in your body.
02:17:55.000So your body's a shit antenna now and it can't tune into whatever the frequency that your life was operating with.
02:18:00.000We live on Nabu with the people from Avatar.
02:18:04.000I'm not telling you to tune into a tree, bro.
02:19:46.000Well, the really evil thing is, you know, I had a friend who was really into this, and he was really telling me at one point in time that, you know, he doesn't even lock his doors because he doesn't believe in putting that out there and that I believe you create your destiny.
02:20:59.000So he shows up with like, he did a show, I think it was in Seattle, where he pulled up a fucking, like one of those little mini speakers and a microphone in a park.
02:21:07.000And he just sat down and just started doing comedy.
02:21:32.000And when we went outside, Dave, just all these people around, Dave stops what he's doing and says, oh, y'all gather around here, gather around here.
02:21:39.000I'm going to do some comedy for y'all.
02:21:59.000He would stop them, organize them, do it.
02:22:01.000Apparently, he would do it all the time.
02:22:02.000Well, I remember watching a 60-minute special or 2020 or one of those news shows that were giving a profile of him and showing pictures of him on the streets of DC doing that.
02:24:22.000It's like that thing we were watching the other day about brain injuries and how the personality transitions, that people don't pay enough attention to head injuries as well.
02:24:35.000I've seen people change over the course of their career radically.
02:24:39.000I've seen people that, you know, especially guys who get cut from the UFC and they wind up keep fighting in other organizations and they lose like a bunch of times by knockout.
02:24:47.000It gets really weird when you're talking to them because as you're talking to them, like you can see a struggle.
02:24:53.000We've all been in a situation where maybe you just woke up or you got a lot of shit on your mind and you're not that good at forming a sentence.
02:25:00.000Somebody calls you out of the blue, brings up a subject you didn't expect.
02:25:07.000We can all struggle to be inarticulate, but there's a weird vacancy, a truth when you're looking in someone's eyes and you know their brain's not working that good anymore.
02:27:49.000They spar smart, you know, and they control each other's, you know.
02:27:53.000Well, we got knocked down to the Taekwondo Club because the guy that was teaching down there wanted to help because he said their guys weren't punching properly enough enough.
02:28:00.000So we used to interchange and spar with the people in Taekwondo.
02:28:04.000I remember having a great little match going on and then the guy getting frustrated and fucking turning around and sweeping my legs out of nowhere.
02:28:13.000Well, yeah, people do get frustrated when sparring.
02:28:20.000You know, and a lot of times it becomes fighting.
02:28:22.000But the thing, the idea about headaches, I mean, I was fine and never got any like serious damage or concussions or anything like that.
02:28:28.000But you know that it's possible and it could be coming.
02:28:32.000You know, it's like these are the first blows, this headache that you get.
02:28:35.000What if this is every day for the rest of your life?
02:28:36.000What if you have to drink to try to just numb this and dull this down?
02:28:40.000And a lot of people that are involved in football and combat sports, anything really extreme, you know, especially boxing because they take so much.
02:30:09.000Okay, well, I've never used the other one because the Pete Johansen I just took because I didn't want people taking the name because all these Swedish guys keep grabbing my shit with my name everywhere.
02:30:17.000So I thought, oh, I'll get it right now so nobody uses it for sure.