The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #81 - Pete Johansson

00:00:05.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:06.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:22.000 My snap sounds so good in this echo with a microphone.

00:00:25.000 Okay. 0.99

00:00:36.000 Right now, people are going, what the fuck did we tune into? 1.00

00:00:40.000 Two queers snapping their fingers. 1.00

00:00:42.000 Snapping.

00:00:43.000 What is this?

00:00:44.000 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the podcast.

00:00:47.000 Welcome to the podcast.

00:00:50.000 Before we get started, thank you to Fleshlight, our sponsor.

00:00:54.000 If you go to jorogan.net and click the link, you can get 15% off.

00:00:59.000 You just put the code name Rogan in. 0.98

00:01:01.000 And it's a fine instrument for masturbation. 0.90

00:01:04.000 We need to get them to send some more. 0.96

00:01:06.000 People keep on asking, guests.

00:01:07.000 Yeah, we got to give them away.

00:01:08.000 We got to get a box.

00:01:09.000 But now that Chris is gone, I got to contact the new dude.

00:01:12.000 And this is the only sponsor that we have for this podcast.

00:01:16.000 There's no other way to, you know, I know some people like to put up these donation things and donate money.

00:01:21.000 We don't have one for this podcast, but Brian has one for his.

00:01:24.000 DeathSquad.tv.

00:01:25.000 Yeah, and we talked about this yesterday.

00:01:27.000 Brian, what he's basically doing is making this little sort of a homemade sort of a studio and, you know, becoming like a little network.

00:01:37.000 And the crazy thing is, you know, we know so many funny people.

00:01:40.000 We know so many comics.

00:01:41.000 We know so many hilarious dudes that are really interesting.

00:01:45.000 And they're not on the radio.

00:01:46.000 They should be on the radio. 0.99

00:01:47.000 You know, I mean, where radio is now is regular radio is just fucking songs. 0.99

00:01:47.000 Absolutely. 0.99

00:01:53.000 Dudes don't talk at all.

00:01:54.000 There's no personalities.

00:01:55.000 It's like Kevin and Bean and a few local stations in Austin and a few other places, but everywhere else you go, it's just nonsense. 0.98

00:02:02.000 And then you got satellite radio, but you know, I love satellite radio, but satellite radio is fucking hurting, man. 0.97

00:02:08.000 They cut back on serious, cut back people's budgets by like 80 fucking percent or something crazy. 0.97

00:02:13.000 Bubba the love sponge isn't on anymore. 0.96

00:02:14.000 It's just crazy that we know so many comics from hanging out at local comedy clubs that these guys like Teeb and all these guys would never ever have a chance to ever meet these people.

00:02:24.000 So it's kind of cool doing these podcasts because we get to introduce you to people that we know that you would probably never know unless they made it.

00:02:32.000 And they probably wouldn't make it.

00:02:33.000 They probably wouldn't make it.

00:02:33.000 Right.

00:02:34.000 Well, a lot of these really funny guys are fucking crazy and lazy. 1.00

00:02:36.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:37.000 You know, they're crazy, they're lazy, and they're like Brian Holtzman, perfect example. 0.99

00:02:41.000 He's a talented guy, but who the fuck is ever going to hear about him? 1.00

00:02:44.000 You know? 0.98

00:02:44.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:02:45.000 Pete Johanson, the guy who's coming over today, he's got like 100 Twitter followers.

00:02:48.000 So hilarious guy.

00:02:50.000 And he's supposed to be here at three, but he thought it was four, so we decided to kick it off without him.

00:02:55.000 But he's another guy, you know, hilarious comic.

00:02:58.000 And what brings you to the dance as a comic oftentimes is very different from what you need to establish a successful business as an entity, as Jeff Foxworthy or Brian Redband.

00:03:12.000 If you want to put your name out there, you have to start thinking marketing.

00:03:17.000 That's where Dane Cook was the master.

00:03:19.000 He figured out how to do that way before anyway. 0.99

00:03:21.000 I never put any consideration to any of that shit at all. 0.99

00:03:24.000 I always thought, well, you just did your stuff and then they put you on TV and then it worked. 0.99

00:03:29.000 You didn't have to worry about all that stuff.

00:03:30.000 But then I realized, well, then you're at the mercy of these other people to put you on TV.

00:03:34.000 Whereas the internet, like I'm on the internet every day. 0.96

00:03:36.000 And for whatever reason, I never thought, well, fuck, I should like promote myself on the internet. 0.94

00:03:41.000 Like I never even thought of it. 0.96

00:03:42.000 You should share yourself.

00:03:43.000 You should like, that's why constantly updating by Twitter and Facebooks and just anything is so important for a comic.

00:03:50.000 And then when you talk to these comics, they're like, I don't have a Twitter, I don't have a Facebook, or, you know, or, or, or Pete, as an example, he has two Twitter accounts, but he has one that's his name and one that's some other crazy name, Eskaris or something like that.

00:04:02.000 And it's like, why aren't you using the one with your name? 0.80

00:04:05.000 What the fuck is Eskarius? 0.98

00:04:06.000 It's the thing. 0.99

00:04:07.000 I mean, guys like Teeb, you know, Teeb's hilarious, but Teeb has never made a living as a comedian.

00:04:11.000 And he's been doing comedy for like 17 years, but he's always had other jobs.

00:04:15.000 You know, it's like what makes you a comic oftentimes is this weird Ford sort of slacker way of looking at things.

00:04:22.000 You know, like Ari.

00:04:23.000 Ari's notoriously lazy. 1.00

00:04:24.000 You know, I mean, he jokes about it all the time.

00:04:26.000 He wakes up at four o'clock in the afternoon all the time, you know, sleeps on pizza boxes. 1.00

00:04:31.000 He's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:04:32.000 That's how comics are. 1.00

00:04:34.000 They're nuts.

00:04:36.000 But this Twitter thing, man, and Facebook and this Ustream thing and iTunes, we're entering into a whole new different world. 0.70

00:04:43.000 I know.

00:04:44.000 And I guess donations are a good way to do it, really.

00:04:49.000 Because instead of saying, hey, I want 50 bucks a month or whatever the fuck you would ever ask me, never asked for that much, but a year or whatever the hell you would ask, you can get this level membership and you can come in a meet and greet.

00:05:01.000 And that's $300. 0.90

00:05:03.000 That always seems so fucking weird. 0.84

00:05:06.000 It's sort of like how I feel about BitTorrents. 0.91

00:05:09.000 It's the same thing.

00:05:10.000 I feel like when I download something, if I download something and I like it, I always buy the band. 0.99

00:05:18.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.86

00:05:19.000 And the only time I've ever downloaded something that I didn't own was when there was no other way to get it. 0.99

00:05:23.000 Like the AdWords are perfect example.

00:05:25.000 I saw that and I saw the CD cover. 0.99

00:05:26.000 I'm like, fuck, I want to own that. 0.99

00:05:28.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:05:29.000 That is a great CD.

00:05:30.000 I want that.

00:05:31.000 Right.

00:05:32.000 But as soon as it came out, I ordered it on iTunes immediately.

00:05:36.000 I put it on both computers. 0.92

00:05:38.000 I think it's important to let people fucking donate things.

00:05:44.000 For something like this, for the podcast, I think that's like a perfect way to do it. 0.91

00:05:49.000 Don't charge a certain amount of money for something like that.

00:05:52.000 That's the future. 0.99

00:05:53.000 There's enough fucking people out there. 1.00

00:05:55.000 You can make enough money, weasel. 1.00

00:05:56.000 Yeah.

00:05:57.000 I like to donate things so much better, like the Trent Reznor kind of way of doing it.

00:06:01.000 He puts his CDs out.

00:06:02.000 You could donate.

00:06:03.000 He even has special limited edition CDs that you could pay for if you want to, but it's pretty much donation-based.

00:06:08.000 That's badass. 0.84

00:06:10.000 That to me seems like such a fucking even way to do it. 0.93

00:06:14.000 Because people literally pay you what they think it's worth. 0.91

00:06:18.000 But that's how it should be, right?

00:06:21.000 Absolutely.

00:06:21.000 It's so ethereal in the first place, what you're doing, this weird connection with all these other people.

00:06:27.000 How do you quantify that in X per month?

00:06:31.000 What is it?

00:06:32.000 It's all weird.

00:06:33.000 It's easy when you're getting paid by a TV show or paid by a comedy club or a theater or something like that.

00:06:37.000 But the crazy thing about the podcast is you're going directly to people.

00:06:41.000 It's just you and the people.

00:06:43.000 There's no middleman.

00:06:44.000 There's someone that's going to handle the money and put the ones and zeros in bank accounts somewhere.

00:06:48.000 But other than that, it's just you and these people.

00:06:50.000 Absolutely.

00:06:50.000 You know, it's a trip, dude.

00:06:53.000 Speaking of you and these people, you hear about that broad in Egypt? 0.99

00:06:56.000 The one I got raped. 1.00

00:06:57.000 Fuck, dude, this is horrific, man. 1.00

00:07:00.000 Especially having daughters. 1.00

00:07:01.000 You know, I think about shit like this in a different way. 0.99

00:07:04.000 You know, this chick was over there and apparently she got separated from her camera crew and they beat her and raped her for a half an hour. 0.99

00:07:11.000 I know. 0.85

00:07:12.000 I mean, I don't know the extent of the beating or the extent of the sexual assault, whatever, but whatever it was.

00:07:16.000 I mean, if it was slight, it would have been horrific and terrifying, but it's obviously significant because she's in the hospital.

00:07:22.000 Wasn't she with like a cameraman and a crew, though?

00:07:25.000 I don't know what happened.

00:07:26.000 Well, I think it was total, complete chaos.

00:07:28.000 I mean, you got to think about the situation in Egypt is they had a dictator, the same guy running everything for 31 years. 0.98

00:07:36.000 I mean, this guy just wouldn't fucking go. 0.92

00:07:38.000 And they overthrew him with the internet. 0.98

00:07:41.000 Supposedly.

00:07:42.000 Maybe the CIA too.

00:07:43.000 The CIA probably.

00:07:44.000 Right? 1.00

00:07:45.000 I don't fucking ever trust that anything that happens in another country, that we just let shit happen. 0.98

00:07:50.000 You know, I mean, whenever like, like that Valerie, I forget how you say her last name, Plam, Plam Pia, the one that one of the, it wasn't Dick Cheney, maybe Donald Rumsfeld, one of those guys outed her as an undercover CIA agent because her husband had done something that pissed them off, testified against them. 0.98

00:08:09.000 I don't know what the circumstances were, but they found out that she was an undercover CIA agent.

00:08:14.000 Well, how many of them are there? 0.98

00:08:16.000 Well, there might be fucking tons of them. 0.98

00:08:18.000 We probably are friends with two of them. 0.99

00:08:20.000 Well, I know one.

00:08:21.000 Well, I know one son for sure.

00:08:21.000 Ari is one.

00:08:25.000 A buddy of mine who's a good friend.

00:08:27.000 His dad's been in the CIA his whole life.

00:08:29.000 And he didn't know his dad was in the CIA until he was in his 30s.

00:08:32.000 Right.

00:08:33.000 He thought his dad worked.

00:08:34.000 Well, I don't want to say what his dad did, but.

00:08:36.000 You get on a plane.

00:08:36.000 Think of it this way.

00:08:37.000 There's at least two undercover marshals on the plane.

00:08:41.000 Every flight.

00:08:42.000 Most big planes, you know, like real flights, not like here to Vegas, you know, but like most big flights, there's like one or two guys on the plane.

00:08:50.000 And then I've sat.

00:08:50.000 Do they carry guns?

00:08:51.000 Yes.

00:08:52.000 I've sat next to them before, and you start talking to them.

00:08:54.000 And then, you know, they tell you that they are.

00:08:56.000 I don't think they're supposed to, but they've done it to me.

00:08:59.000 And many people I've talked to before have done that.

00:09:01.000 But if you think of it that way, that's like one out of 400 people, and that's on a plane.

00:09:06.000 How many people in real life do we know? 0.98

00:09:09.000 Well, that's definitely a big difference between undercover marshals who are there to protect your safety and the idea of these undercover CIA agents who are just manipulating shit abroad.

00:09:19.000 I mean, how many of them are working in various industries and they think, I mean, that was like a famous quote from one of the former heads of the CIA that every single person of any significance in the media has been compromised. 0.80

00:09:32.000 Oh, my God, definitely.

00:09:34.000 That's hilarious.

00:09:35.000 Whenever you see famous actors at the White House, shaking hands with people and what is that all about?

00:09:41.000 What are they doing?

00:09:41.000 I don't know.

00:09:42.000 But can you imagine Jimmy Fallon having some kind of secret single thing going on?

00:09:48.000 Yeah.

00:09:49.000 A lot of people think that. 1.00

00:09:50.000 I mean, that's fucking some total Alex Jones shit right there. 0.99

00:09:54.000 That'd be a good question. 1.00

00:09:55.000 Well, I guess they wouldn't even say, yeah, but you could look in their eyes and see if it blinks for a second.

00:09:59.000 Who to ask who?

00:10:00.000 Who would have to?

00:10:01.000 Just go up to Jimmy Fallon and be like, hey, Jimmy Fallon, hey, let's go ahead. 0.99

00:10:03.000 And then just lay it on him and look right in his eyes and just see what, like if he sees that little, you see that little like, what the fuck? 0.98

00:10:08.000 It's pretty much likely that a comedian wouldn't be in the CIA except for Dennis Miller. 0.99

00:10:15.000 Dennis Miller, I think that guy turned, he turned Republican and conservative hard so quick.

00:10:21.000 He became so weird.

00:10:22.000 He's like a shill now. 0.98

00:10:24.000 He was in a video.

00:10:24.000 It's really weird.

00:10:26.000 There's a video and it was on my Twitter.

00:10:27.000 I put it up from a few days ago and it was Bill O'Reilly.

00:10:31.000 And it was all about the Obama healthcare thing that he had a guy on his show and the guy, Bill O'Reilly was accusing the guy of lying about Fox News.

00:10:41.000 And the guy was saying that they've said on Fox News that if you don't have health insurance, they can lock you in jail.

00:10:47.000 So Bill O'Reilly's going, you know, that is impossible. 0.90

00:10:50.000 You know, this is ridiculous. 0.62

00:10:52.000 You didn't get this here. 0.99

00:10:53.000 Like you have to admit that you made this up.

00:10:55.000 So then the video stops.

00:10:57.000 And then they show a montage of Fox News reporters saying that you can go to jail if you don't have health care over and over and over and over.

00:11:07.000 I mean, it's embarrassing. 0.97

00:11:08.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

00:11:09.000 It's more of that Bill O'Reilly bluster shit. 1.00

00:11:12.000 You know, he's like one of those. 1.00

00:11:13.000 He's one of those dudes who puffs his check style, but doesn't think that he's going to get knocked the fuck out. 1.00

00:11:17.000 He's a dummy. 1.00

00:11:18.000 He's like an ego dummy. 1.00

00:11:20.000 And that's like why he left that crazy voicemail on that Broads answering machine when he's supposed to be this voice of conservative reason and he's trying to fuck this chick with a loofah sponge and shit. 1.00

00:11:29.000 You know, he's a creep. 1.00

00:11:30.000 But that's not even the point. 0.99

00:11:32.000 The point is he says this and then they show this giant fucking montage of these Fox News reporters. 0.97

00:11:38.000 And then they show Dennis Miller on Bill O'Reilly's show. 0.97

00:11:43.000 And this is the day after the guy was on, before this video had come out.

00:11:46.000 And Dennis Miller's going, how about that guy that tried to throw that at you the other day?

00:11:52.000 You know, boy, I haven't seen a guy with his hat in his hand, you know, since, you know, he comes up with some ridiculous reference that nobody, including him, really understands.

00:12:00.000 But I'm like, my God, did you see this video? 0.98

00:12:02.000 Like, there's a fucking 10 guy saying it. 0.99

00:12:04.000 Like, what are you talking about, man? 0.99

00:12:06.000 You know, they did say it.

00:12:08.000 No, he's a shill. 0.86

00:12:10.000 He's a shill now. 0.99

00:12:12.000 It's weird.

00:12:12.000 He became like a Republican mouthpiece.

00:12:17.000 Like he, he was saying, this is one of the weird things about Dennis Miller.

00:12:20.000 He was saying, you know, I don't make jokes about Bush.

00:12:23.000 I give him a pass.

00:12:24.000 He's a friend.

00:12:25.000 Like, what are you saying?

00:12:27.000 Like, what are you saying?

00:12:28.000 I just, like, take care of me.

00:12:29.000 It's like when the planes hit the towers, he's like, I want to be your side.

00:12:33.000 He wants to be a familiar with the vampires.

00:12:35.000 He's like those dudes that would hang around with Blade.

00:12:37.000 Remember? 0.98

00:12:38.000 And Blade would smack him into walls and shit like that? 0.98

00:12:40.000 And they really were trying to hook their vampire buddy up. 1.00

00:12:42.000 And then the vampire, who is Steven Dorf, kills them.

00:12:45.000 It shows that his allegiance was incorrect. 1.00

00:12:48.000 Should have been trying to be a vampire bitch. 1.00

00:12:51.000 You got to fight vampires, you fuck. 1.00

00:12:53.000 You know? 1.00

00:12:54.000 What I'm trying to say is, Dennis Miller, you're not Blade.

00:12:57.000 Right.

00:12:57.000 Okay.

00:12:58.000 You fuck. 1.00

00:12:59.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

00:13:00.000 Man, my feet are swelling. 1.00

00:13:01.000 Yeah, people always complain about my slurping.

00:13:03.000 I'm sorry about that.

00:13:05.000 Yeah, Brian's rocking some crocs today.

00:13:07.000 Crocs. 0.99

00:13:07.000 Sexy as fuck. 0.99

00:13:08.000 Fucking, I've been at my mom's coming over today, and I have to be like, fucking, there's so much cum everywhere in my house. 1.00

00:13:15.000 Like, everywhere, like, oh, there's a tissue, there's a condiment, you know, because, you know, just crap everywhere. 1.00

00:13:19.000 Bongs, weed, just fucking ridiculous how much clean. 0.99

00:13:23.000 And not to mention the dirt. 0.98

00:13:24.000 I mean, that's, that's the biggest part.

00:13:26.000 I mean, I just cleaned out my car and I found three things of weed.

00:13:29.000 And I just imagine my mom like bending down, going, what's this?

00:13:32.000 Oh, it's marijuana.

00:13:33.000 Do you pretend to be someone different from when your mom's around?

00:13:36.000 Well, I don't, I don't pretend.

00:13:38.000 I act pretty much exactly the same. 0.99

00:13:40.000 Of course, I don't say pussy farts, buttholes and crap, stuff like that, but I'm still weird. 0.99

00:13:44.000 And my mom knows I'm weird. 0.99

00:13:45.000 She doesn't know.

00:13:46.000 Like, see, that's the problem with these, these podcasts.

00:13:48.000 I told my mom, I was like, yeah, I'm doing a podcast.

00:13:51.000 Afterwards, I'll pick you up, you know, at the hotel.

00:13:53.000 And she's like, what's a podcast?

00:13:56.000 And I'm like, oh, it's like a radio show.

00:13:57.000 I do it, you know, twice a week with Joe and I have like five other ones.

00:14:00.000 And she goes, oh, that's great.

00:14:02.000 You know, I've been so bored lately.

00:14:04.000 I could download all these now. 1.00

00:14:05.000 And I'm thinking, fuck my life. 1.00

00:14:09.000 My mom is going to be going through like, oh, I listened to Spider-Man today, throwing cum on the walls. 1.00

00:14:14.000 That's gross, Brian. 0.98

00:14:15.000 Where did you learn how to do that? 0.89

00:14:16.000 Your dad?

00:14:17.000 Have you ever had one of those conversations with her?

00:14:19.000 Like a sexual conversation?

00:14:21.000 Not really.

00:14:23.000 No.

00:14:24.000 Never?

00:14:25.000 I don't think so.

00:14:26.000 No.

00:14:26.000 Is that you?

00:14:28.000 I've never really talked about sex or anything like that to my mom.

00:14:32.000 You guys don't talk about sex at all?

00:14:32.000 Never?

00:14:33.000 No, she's very old-fashioned.

00:14:35.000 Church once a week, quilts.

00:14:37.000 She has a farm and she gardens.

00:14:40.000 Doesn't she have like 56k? 0.98

00:14:42.000 She likes rhubarb.

00:14:43.000 She has 56k modems.

00:14:44.000 So she'd never be able to listen to the podcast.

00:14:46.000 No, but she just got a, I taught her how to teether. 1.00

00:14:49.000 So I got her this Verizon Windows phone, and she now can teether to her lap or her computer, and now she can get internet using Verizon's data network by teethering.

00:15:00.000 So now she's actually can download podcasts and crap like that. 0.99

00:15:03.000 I'm kind of fucking in trouble because, I mean, oh, it sucks. 0.98

00:15:08.000 So is she going to listen? 0.99

00:15:08.000 So yeah, that I've been. 0.99

00:15:10.000 I'm going to have to talk her out of it.

00:15:12.000 I'm going to say that we just talk about, you know, we cuss a lot.

00:15:15.000 I'll have to say, yeah, we cuss a lot. 1.00

00:15:17.000 And it's just tell her it's mostly about guys and fucking. 1.00

00:15:20.000 Yeah, it's about sports and cussing and asshole punching and shit like that. 1.00

00:15:26.000 Just give her one example of one of the most extreme things that Joey Diaz has ever said. 1.00

00:15:30.000 Mom, we have a lot of black guests. 0.81

00:15:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:15:33.000 We talk about black cock at least 50% of the time. 1.00

00:15:37.000 Oh, yeah, it just fucking sucks. 1.00

00:15:39.000 But so yeah, I ran out of the house wearing crocs. 0.99

00:15:41.000 These are my like cleaning shoes.

00:15:43.000 Totally forgot until I got out at your house.

00:15:46.000 It's weird that you own them at all.

00:15:47.000 Well, it's good for cleaning.

00:15:48.000 Like if you're running around like taking trash out, like mopping floors.

00:15:52.000 What size shoes do you wear?

00:15:54.000 Tens.

00:15:55.000 I'm wearing 11.

00:15:56.000 I already try them on.

00:15:57.000 Oh, dude, try them on.

00:15:58.000 I don't want to try them on.

00:15:59.000 They're sweaty.

00:16:00.000 This is the wrong size and they're sweaty.

00:16:02.000 It's like jelly.

00:16:03.000 Meanwhile, I don't mind doing jiu-jitsu.

00:16:04.000 You know, if I actually thought about what jiu-jitsu was while I was doing it, while someone's sweating on you, because it's like a man's chest sweat on your face all the time.

00:16:12.000 You know, it's very rare in life that you get a man's chest sweat on your face for more than 20 minutes if you're not a homosexual. 0.60

00:16:19.000 Yeah. 0.87

00:16:19.000 Or Italian? 0.87

00:16:20.000 It seems like you would be like a lot, For 20 minutes holding onto your head.

00:16:27.000 Yeah, you're wearing wife Peters.

00:16:28.000 It takes a long time to get a guy that sweaty, Brian.

00:16:31.000 It ain't that easy.

00:16:32.000 Not when you're playing stickball at Joe and the streets of the world.

00:16:36.000 I played stickball when I was a kid.

00:16:37.000 Yeah, I love it. 0.97

00:16:38.000 So ridiculous. 0.97

00:16:39.000 East Coast. 0.99

00:16:40.000 East Coast.

00:16:41.000 I'm trying to.

00:16:42.000 What did you use as first base, second base, third base?

00:16:46.000 Did you use lasagna boxes or something?

00:16:48.000 We used whatever was around, whatever was around.

00:16:51.000 Sometimes you'd use a car.

00:16:52.000 First base was the corner of this car.

00:16:54.000 You had to touch the bumper.

00:16:56.000 It would have sucked if you lived in our neighborhood. 0.88

00:16:59.000 Because first of all, there was like when I was growing up, when I lived in Jamaica, playing especially, because that was a poor neighborhood and there was a lot of crazy kids there. 0.66

00:17:09.000 We would play in the street all the time.

00:17:10.000 Like you would literally go outside your house and you go into the street and the street was the playground.

00:17:14.000 We would play stick ball on the street.

00:17:16.000 We'd play catch. 0.99

00:17:17.000 We would do like crazy hide and seek things and shit. 0.98

00:17:21.000 We played right in the street all the time. 0.99

00:17:22.000 So if your car was parked in the street, your car was in a playground.

00:17:25.000 That's hilarious.

00:17:25.000 I mean, balls were bouncing off your car and we always had to stop games because cars were coming.

00:17:30.000 I mean, that was like standard.

00:17:31.000 Standard was that kids played in the streets.

00:17:33.000 Do you think if you had video games when you were a kid, you would not be playing stickball?

00:17:36.000 Oh, for sure.

00:17:37.000 Stickball industry must be hurting with the marble industry.

00:17:40.000 It was also that, you know, it's awkward, you know, when you're 14.

00:17:46.000 That wasn't even 14.

00:17:47.000 It was 12 or 11.

00:17:49.000 It's easy to hide.

00:17:50.000 You know, it's easy to hide when you're shy, when things bother you.

00:17:54.000 You know, there's boys out there.

00:17:55.000 You don't know who they are. 1.00

00:17:56.000 They might be, oh, fuck this. 1.00

00:17:57.000 I'm staying inside. 1.00

00:17:58.000 But when you can't, then you're forced to go outside and you're forced to interact with all these people.

00:17:58.000 It's easy.

00:18:03.000 But if I had video games back then, and I was nervous going and hanging out with these weird Puerto Rican kids and these fucking Irish hooligans. 1.00

00:18:12.000 There was like these fucking hooligans in my neighborhood. 0.99

00:18:14.000 I went from living in Florida. 0.99

00:18:17.000 We lived in Gainesville in like a university community because my dad was going to school.

00:18:22.000 And he transferred over to the Architectural Institute of Boston.

00:18:26.000 And when he trans, I forget what it's called.

00:18:29.000 That might not be the actual name of it.

00:18:30.000 But anyway, when he transferred over to that, we didn't have any money. 0.88

00:18:34.000 And so we lived in this really shitty neighborhood. 0.99

00:18:35.000 It was a fucked up house too. 1.00

00:18:37.000 And it was just a lot of bad kids, man. 1.00

00:18:40.000 Just a lot of bad kids.

00:18:42.000 Like, kids were drinking already hardcore at like 13. 1.00

00:18:45.000 They were getting fucked up. 1.00

00:18:46.000 They were having sex. 1.00

00:18:47.000 Like, I'd never been around anybody who had sex. 1.00

00:18:50.000 And they were all fucked. 1.00

00:18:51.000 They were all fucking. 1.00

00:18:52.000 And they were fucking this one chick that lived up the street. 1.00

00:18:54.000 She was 20 and she would fuck anybody. 1.00

00:18:56.000 So these 13-year-old kids would go over and fuck her. 1.00

00:18:58.000 And it's like, whoa. 1.00

00:18:59.000 These girls knew how to dress too. 1.00

00:19:00.000 They had like the cutoff jean shorts with too many holes in it. 0.97

00:19:03.000 You know, like you could just see her butthole and you're just like, ah. 0.96

00:19:06.000 Dude, it's so funny that you say that. 0.99

00:19:08.000 She always wore cutoff jean shorts.

00:19:10.000 With bleach.

00:19:11.000 Remember you used to bleach your jeans?

00:19:13.000 Like, I used to just pour bleach on my jeans in my basement and then sit there overnight and then wash them.

00:19:18.000 And there would just be these big white spots all over your jeans.

00:19:21.000 How ridiculous is it going to be when you look back in time at these jeans that you're wearing right now with artificial holes in them?

00:19:26.000 No, I fell off a motorcycle, Joe. 0.95

00:19:28.000 What are you talking about?

00:19:29.000 You have to stitch it back Together, yeah, you know, times are kind of tough right now. 0.99

00:19:33.000 Meanwhile, you pay extra for these jeans that are fucked up. 0.98

00:19:36.000 I don't know if you pay extra anymore. 0.99

00:19:37.000 I think you used to, but now I think that's the normal, and you pay extra now to not have them just fucked up. 0.77

00:19:41.000 I think it's backwards now, like skinny jeans and shit like that, like colored Jordash, purple Jordashes are way more expensive than just a jean that has a whole one. 0.97

00:19:49.000 I don't get it. 0.95

00:19:50.000 I can't wear most of those jeans in the first place because I'm built like a troll, right?

00:19:53.000 So I have to wear jeans that have wide legs.

00:19:56.000 Wow.

00:19:56.000 You should try the stretchy jeans.

00:19:57.000 Have you seen this?

00:19:59.000 They're like pajamas skinny.

00:20:00.000 Can they look like jeans?

00:20:01.000 I want to get skinny jeans.

00:20:02.000 Sometimes I see a guy like working at a kiosk for Verizon.

00:20:05.000 He's got the skinny jeans on with his little reading.

00:20:09.000 I wish I could look like that for a day. 0.99

00:20:11.000 If I can't with my fat, stumpy troll legs. 0.99

00:20:13.000 So I buy lucky jeans. 0.99

00:20:16.000 Plus, I like it when you unzip.

00:20:18.000 It says lucky you.

00:20:21.000 I think that's a good thing.

00:20:21.000 I like that.

00:20:24.000 Oh, thank you, Joe.

00:20:25.000 Lucky you. 1.00

00:20:26.000 About to finna get some dick. 1.00

00:20:29.000 About to finna get some dick. 1.00

00:20:32.000 If you're around this weekend, we're doing the Bray improv. 0.99

00:20:35.000 Brian's going to get up.

00:20:37.000 We're going to get him super baked like we always do and push him onto the stage.

00:20:41.000 It's like running with weights on, kid, okay?

00:20:44.000 It's like first day of jiu-jitsu class.

00:20:45.000 You're going to get tapped out.

00:20:46.000 This is what's going on.

00:20:46.000 All right.

00:20:47.000 You're going to have to go up there.

00:20:48.000 You're going to have to learn. 1.00

00:20:50.000 You're going to have to learn how to Jedi night this motherfucker. 1.00

00:20:52.000 It was weird how bad my nerves hit me in Florida. 0.99

00:20:56.000 The first time I went on stage, remember and I said my stomach hurt?

00:20:59.000 I was in pain.

00:21:00.000 Like somebody felt, it felt like somebody stabbed me and twisted it and ripped my insides for like a good 20 minutes.

00:21:06.000 Well, when did we tell you that you were going to go up?

00:21:07.000 Was it right before you went up?

00:21:09.000 That's probably what it was.

00:21:09.000 Yeah, right before.

00:21:11.000 If you had the whole day to think about it and prepare yourself, but when it's like, ready, go. 0.99

00:21:15.000 Then you're like, oh, shit, this is too much. 0.99

00:21:17.000 This is too confusing. 0.99

00:21:19.000 Yeah.

00:21:19.000 I think I'll be good now.

00:21:20.000 I go up so much now.

00:21:21.000 It's better.

00:21:23.000 I think that West Palm Beach was just so huge.

00:21:25.000 That was like 700, 800 people.

00:21:28.000 650, I think.

00:21:29.000 They had TV screens halfway through, though, and it had the whole UFC thing where like halfway through, people were watching the TV screens and talking more than they were in the front.

00:21:37.000 There was a lot of times where I was like, yeah, I did good.

00:21:39.000 But then you talk to somebody that was sitting in the back and it was all right, man.

00:21:42.000 You know, like it was weird because people talked in the back.

00:21:44.000 I don't know.

00:21:45.000 That's the biggest thing in the front.

00:21:46.000 Yeah, that's a weird shape club, too.

00:21:48.000 It's not that it's so big.

00:21:50.000 It's weird shape.

00:21:50.000 It's a great club.

00:21:51.000 We had a good time there.

00:21:52.000 But when you get a big, anytime things get too big, it gets real risky.

00:21:57.000 You know, that's why we had to stop doing the House of Blues when we were doing people standing up.

00:22:01.000 We would do it and the show would turn to chaos.

00:22:04.000 Because everybody that was sitting down, it was cool, but there was 500 people that were standing.

00:22:09.000 And it's really hard to corral that many people once they're drinking.

00:22:12.000 And once there's other people talking and milling around like a bar, you feel like you're at a bar.

00:22:17.000 Like when you're at a bar, you're not quiet.

00:22:20.000 And where you're watching comedy on a TV, even though it's in front of you, that's not cool.

00:22:26.000 I think 400 is the max.

00:22:28.000 400 to 500 people max.

00:22:30.000 Well, we talked about Larry the cable guy who does like football stadiums.

00:22:33.000 That's just weird.

00:22:34.000 That's insane.

00:22:35.000 That's incredible.

00:22:36.000 I mean, I need to see that.

00:22:37.000 I saw it on Josh Wolfe's phone.

00:22:39.000 He showed it to me because Josh was opening for him and he goes, look at this.

00:22:42.000 We did a football stadium.

00:22:43.000 And I looked at him.

00:22:44.000 I'm like, that doesn't even look real.

00:22:45.000 That's crazy. 1.00

00:22:46.000 There's so many fucking people. 1.00

00:22:47.000 How does that work, though? 0.99

00:22:48.000 I mean, I would think that that's just, no one's, you have to all be quiet.

00:22:51.000 A stadium of people have been.

00:22:52.000 I think they're quieting me speaking of quiet.

00:22:54.000 I forgot to shut my refrigerator off. 0.88

00:22:56.000 It just seems like if it's a stadium and everyone's not being quiet, it's just a cluster fuck of people talking and having fun, and then there's a guy in the middle talking.

00:23:05.000 How does that work?

00:23:06.000 That just does not seem like it works.

00:23:07.000 They're just such huge fans of his that they could never get enough shows in at a theater. 0.98

00:23:14.000 And even a fucking arena, man, even like the Staple Center. 0.98

00:23:17.000 I mean, think about what he's doing. 0.99

00:23:18.000 He's doing like three full staple centers a night.

00:23:22.000 And then how does Seinfeld do that?

00:23:24.000 Like, who else deal with the Black Tacos?

00:23:26.000 Like, I mean, how does that work with that many people?

00:23:29.000 That just seems like awful. 1.00

00:23:30.000 It just does as shit. 0.99

00:23:31.000 It never works as good. 0.99

00:23:33.000 The real bottom line about a big, big show is there's something that you gain because there's so much energy and there's so many people, but there's something that you lose.

00:23:42.000 Like there's a little bit of a connection that you lose.

00:23:45.000 And that's like, I've never done anything like that.

00:23:47.000 The most I've ever done is probably those Kevin and Bean shows.

00:23:50.000 We did like six or seven thousand people. 0.97

00:23:53.000 That's pretty fucking big.

00:23:54.000 Those were awesome. 0.93

00:23:55.000 But like, that's about as big as I've ever done.

00:23:57.000 And that's pretty crazy in and of itself.

00:23:59.000 You know, but when you talk about 50, 50,000? 0.95

00:24:03.000 How the fuck do you, how do you connect with 50,000 people? 0.94

00:24:07.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:24:08.000 It seems like you would have to do it with music and less.

00:24:08.000 It seems impossible.

00:24:11.000 They were all high as fuck. 1.00

00:24:14.000 Then I think you could pull it off. 1.00

00:24:15.000 Or they passed out like mouth, like things over their mouths.

00:24:19.000 Like you had to take their mouths off.

00:24:20.000 You don't want to be too far from them, though.

00:24:22.000 The thing is the distance.

00:24:22.000 That's the thing.

00:24:23.000 If you could figure out a way to get 50,000 people all on top of you, like maybe you were in like some sort of a balcony like on Tron with no bottom to it and you enter into this giant void of people where there's like a hundred Star Wars Star Wars exactly. 0.97

00:24:39.000 Like when Luke Skywalker, when he got his hand chopped off, that kind of shit. 0.89

00:24:44.000 That's the only way it would work. 0.96

00:24:46.000 You'd have to have people everywhere.

00:24:47.000 They couldn't just be just in front of you.

00:24:49.000 This doesn't make any sense, does it?

00:24:49.000 Right.

00:24:51.000 No.

00:24:53.000 I just think you can't have too many people to show.

00:24:55.000 It won't be the same thing. 0.99

00:24:56.000 I like fucking 300 people. 0.99

00:24:57.000 I always say that. 1.00

00:24:58.000 300 people is the most.

00:24:59.000 I like Sal's.

00:25:00.000 When we do Sal's Comedy Hall, it's like 80 people.

00:25:04.000 We're going to do that every week, folks.

00:25:06.000 Not this Wednesday, because we don't want to overstate our welcome.

00:25:08.000 Not today.

00:25:09.000 Yeah, tonight.

00:25:10.000 But next week.

00:25:11.000 And it's almost sold out already.

00:25:13.000 Yeah.

00:25:13.000 Is it really?

00:25:14.000 And once I get the guest list completely 100%, it's going to be probably the biggest, coolest show I've seen in the world.

00:25:21.000 Yeah, we've got a crazy lineup.

00:25:23.000 We can't even say who's on the lineup.

00:25:25.000 The people are weird like that.

00:25:26.000 Comics don't want to like, I don't want anyone to know that I'm working on new material. 0.99

00:25:30.000 Just go up there and eat dick every now and then. 1.00

00:25:32.000 You got to try new shit. 1.00

00:25:34.000 These clubs, like little clubs like Sal's, the best for trying out shit. 1.00

00:25:39.000 Little, like, tiny, little intimate rooms. 0.99

00:25:42.000 You know, you really know if it's right.

00:25:44.000 I like what Doug Benson, though, said the last time Sal's Comedy Pole.

00:25:48.000 Because it's a poll.

00:25:49.000 That was so funny.

00:25:50.000 Yeah, he freaked me out, though, because he said it right before I was going on stage.

00:25:53.000 You know, when you're about to go on stage and you're trying to get into your frame of mind and someone's just talking to you, hey, Sal's Comedy Pole.

00:25:58.000 We should call it Sal's Comedy Pole. 0.77

00:26:00.000 I was like, whoa, get away from you quickly.

00:26:02.000 You're going to enter into my head.

00:26:05.000 When you're going on stage now, do you have a very specific thing that you try to say right away?

00:26:09.000 Because you've been doing it pretty steady now for what, six months now?

00:26:13.000 Yeah.

00:26:13.000 No, I pretty much at Sal's every day, I just pretty much tried new ways to do bits or all new bits, like just practicing, like see if there's something there.

00:26:23.000 Like, you know, at least at least if there's a reason to go forward on certain bits.

00:26:27.000 And then sometimes it's like last night, I just thought of this whole new way to do all my bits, like a story that goes over all these little stories, like another layer, I guess, to make it sound more natural.

00:26:38.000 So that was a huge step in my stand-up last night was just doing it, doing my act now different.

00:26:45.000 That makes it more real.

00:26:46.000 Instead of going, hey, I was in this hotel in Vegas last week, which was true, but it also sounds like I'm doing a bit.

00:26:51.000 So now I have this way that I'm like, you know, talking about my mom doing these podcasts and stuff like that.

00:26:57.000 And then I start kind of going into bits like things I've talked about on the podcast.

00:27:00.000 Do you find yourself wanting to make errors in your personal life so that you have material?

00:27:04.000 Do you ever like dating porn stars and stuff?

00:27:07.000 Do you ever look at your phone and think, well, I really should keep her out of my life.

00:27:11.000 But I need a new five minutes.

00:27:13.000 So let me just call this crazy horse.

00:27:16.000 I've never thought of that for bits or anything, but I think I've thought of that just to keep life interesting, definitely.

00:27:21.000 Well, as long as you're drinking, life's going to be interesting.

00:27:23.000 That's not fine. 1.00

00:27:25.000 You're going to fuck up. 1.00

00:27:26.000 You're going to do some stupid shit. 1.00

00:27:27.000 You're going to make some impulsive decisions. 1.00

00:27:29.000 As long as you're drinking, life will be interesting.

00:27:31.000 As long as you're out every night.

00:27:33.000 Yeah, life's going to be interesting.

00:27:34.000 You're going to have things to talk about.

00:27:36.000 Yeah.

00:27:36.000 You never have to worry.

00:27:36.000 Yeah.

00:27:37.000 You're going to do something stupid. 1.00

00:27:38.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00

00:27:40.000 You know, especially if you're single and you're trying to prove yourself to girls and you're still not sure.

00:27:44.000 Not even that, it's just being out of the house and not watching TV.

00:27:46.000 But drinking.

00:27:47.000 When you're drinking and you're trying to make something happen with a girl, I mean, come on, yeah. 0.98

00:27:51.000 You know, that's where it gets the most ridiculous. 0.98

00:27:54.000 Right.

00:27:55.000 Where most of your materials come from.

00:27:56.000 All right.

00:27:59.000 I want to do another blackout cast, but I want to do it with like a celebrity girl.

00:28:02.000 Like, I want to get somebody like Lindsey Lohan.

00:28:04.000 Like, hey, would you want to do this podcast blackout cast?

00:28:06.000 Yeah, Lindsay Lohan definitely wants to do that, Brian. 0.97

00:28:09.000 It seems like an awesome idea for her to be in your fucking Ustream thing. 1.00

00:28:13.000 That would be like the best thing ever. 0.98

00:28:14.000 I mean, if I could do that.

00:28:16.000 No, you know, it would be the best thing ever.

00:28:17.000 A tree with money on it.

00:28:19.000 That would be the best thing ever.

00:28:21.000 The best thing ever would not be Lindsay Lohan's run.

00:28:23.000 You just haven't been there while it's happened.

00:28:25.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:28:26.000 I mean, it ain't like the last ice age where fuck. 0.99

00:28:28.000 If I just lived 10,000 years ago. 0.99

00:28:30.000 No, you just have to live 10 blocks away.

00:28:32.000 If you just knew the right people, you could have been partying with Lindsey Lohan.

00:28:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:28:36.000 But I think just as a podcast, how amazing would that be to do a bottle Jägermeister with Lindsey Lohan?

00:28:41.000 I don't think it'd be that amazing.

00:28:42.000 You would listen to it. 1.00

00:28:43.000 I would listen to clips that they put on YouTube if you guys said something stupid. 1.00

00:28:43.000 No. 1.00

00:28:47.000 But I wouldn't listen to the whole two hours of it.

00:28:50.000 Didn't you meet her once?

00:28:52.000 You drank with her.

00:28:52.000 Didn't you meet her?

00:28:53.000 You drank with her.

00:28:54.000 Tell me the whole story.

00:28:54.000 What happened?

00:28:55.000 My friend Michelle.

00:28:58.000 You sure?

00:28:59.000 Yeah, that's cool.

00:29:00.000 I just said the first name.

00:29:01.000 She was having, like, she told us to go to this club where there was like, it was a bondage bar.

00:29:05.000 I think I've talked about this before, where there was like naked girls crawling on this net above you, like on the ceiling. 0.99

00:29:11.000 And there were like naked girls serving you drinks and like dancing around. 1.00

00:29:16.000 But it wasn't a strip club.

00:29:17.000 It was just a bar that you were allowed to, like a bondage bar or something.

00:29:20.000 I don't know what it's called.

00:29:22.000 But anyways, we're going there and we meet, we go to this table and it was like one of the service table, like tequila and a person making drinks, you know, around it.

00:29:31.000 And I was just hanging out there and suddenly I just looked to the right of me and I'm sitting, this was Lindsay Lohan's table.

00:29:36.000 And I was like, I guess they knew each other.

00:29:38.000 And so I'm just standing there staring at her.

00:29:40.000 Like I'm just dazed off.

00:29:42.000 Like I'm like, oh, that's Lindsay Lohan.

00:29:44.000 And then like, it was one of those things where she started staring at me.

00:29:47.000 Like, why is this guy staring at me?

00:29:48.000 And my eyes were like glazed over and I didn't realize it. 0.99

00:29:50.000 And then she just did that face like the, what the fuck, dude? 1.00

00:29:53.000 You know, type face. 0.99

00:29:54.000 I'm like, oh, hey, how's it going?

00:29:56.000 And I said something like small talk.

00:29:58.000 And then she just like turns around, walks out this door, the back alley door, passes out in her car.

00:30:04.000 The next morning on TMZ, there was the famous picture where she's passed out and she's like, whoa, like drilling on the side of her, inside of her car. 0.91

00:30:12.000 That was the night that I was with her.

00:30:13.000 And she was just drinking so much tequila that I guess. 0.99

00:30:17.000 But then the next day I tweeted something like, this is what happens when you hang out with Red Band or something.

00:30:21.000 I posted that photo. 0.96

00:30:22.000 Dude, how ridiculous. 0.93

00:30:24.000 I think I heard the doorbell, by the way. 0.98

00:30:26.000 Yeah.

00:30:26.000 Really?

00:30:27.000 You want to go check?

00:30:29.000 Yeah, go check.

00:30:31.000 Pete Johansen is supposed to be our guest. 1.00

00:30:33.000 And Pete's one of those motherfuckers that brings his girlfriend everywhere. 1.00

00:30:38.000 All right. 1.00

00:30:38.000 You know, he ain't here yet, so I'm going to throw him under the bus. 1.00

00:30:41.000 It's ridiculous, man. 0.99

00:30:42.000 I know you got a girlfriend. 0.99

00:30:43.000 You know, you can leave her at home every now and then.

00:30:46.000 Yeah, there's my doorbell.

00:30:47.000 Some people, man, they just bring their chick everywhere. 0.96

00:30:49.000 She's really nice, but, you know, if I was going to bring my chick, I'd say, hey, can I bring my chick over to your podcast?

00:30:56.000 Is that okay? 1.00

00:30:57.000 Let's see if she says something stupid. 1.00

00:30:58.000 I don't think she will. 1.00

00:30:59.000 She's nice.

00:31:00.000 So he's in the middle.

00:31:03.000 I met Pete Johansson at Yuck Yuck's Comedy Club in Vancouver.

00:31:08.000 He's a very funny guy, and I had heard that he was a funny guy actually before that.

00:31:12.000 I think Doug Stanhope knew him. 0.83

00:31:14.000 And we went up there and did some sets at Yuck Yuck's, and it was a lot of fucking fun. 0.97

00:31:20.000 We had a good time. 0.95

00:31:20.000 Pete Johansson's here, ladies and gentlemen. 0.95

00:31:23.000 You're going to be sitting right here.

00:31:25.000 Is that coffee?

00:31:27.000 Coffee is for closers.

00:31:31.000 Yeah, bring her in. 1.00

00:31:34.000 She's too strong.

00:31:35.000 Well, she's got to come in because she can't wander the house. 1.00

00:31:37.000 My wife will freak. 1.00

00:31:39.000 Mrs. Rogan's a pit bull. 1.00

00:31:41.000 You can't have random chicks wandering around the house. 1.00

00:31:44.000 Hey, what's up?

00:31:45.000 What's up?

00:31:46.000 What's up?

00:31:46.000 All right.

00:31:47.000 Welcome aboard.

00:31:47.000 I'm Aiden.

00:31:49.000 Petro Hanson is a typical comedian.

00:31:51.000 I called him at 11.

00:31:53.000 I called him at 1. 1.00

00:31:55.000 Motherfucker was still sleeping. 1.00

00:31:57.000 What time did you sleep till? 1.00

00:31:58.000 2.

00:31:58.000 Till 2?

00:31:59.000 Your mic's not on yet.

00:31:59.000 Yeah.

00:32:00.000 Is it on now?

00:32:01.000 Oh, man.

00:32:01.000 Sure.

00:32:02.000 I think that's it.

00:32:03.000 There you go.

00:32:03.000 Little wind protector.

00:32:04.000 Yeah, pop shields, baby.

00:32:05.000 We're all about protecting people's ears.

00:32:07.000 You woke up at 2?

00:32:08.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:32:09.000 Fucking solid. 0.98

00:32:10.000 Solid stand-up comic party. 0.99

00:32:12.000 I did a bunch of weed last night and got in the hot tub and had a little post-Valentine's Day sex. 0.94

00:32:17.000 And then did melatonin. 0.97

00:32:20.000 T-M-I, T-M-I, T-M-I, T-M-I. 0.56

00:32:23.000 Two people in the room. 1.00

00:32:24.000 They both fucked. 1.00

00:32:25.000 What's up? 1.00

00:32:26.000 I don't need to know about all these things.

00:32:29.000 Hey, you've created two life forms of Joe.

00:32:31.000 Celebrate it.

00:32:32.000 Life forms.

00:32:33.000 Celebrate.

00:32:35.000 Celebrate the life forms.

00:32:37.000 So, Pete is, well, Pete and I originally met.

00:32:40.000 We need a cup.

00:32:41.000 You need coffee?

00:32:42.000 All right.

00:32:43.000 Why don't you talk to Brian real quick?

00:32:44.000 We'll get your cup.

00:32:45.000 All right, man.

00:32:46.000 Thank you.

00:32:47.000 Joe's getting me a cup.

00:32:47.000 All right.

00:32:48.000 So, how long have you been in LA for?

00:32:50.000 I've been two weeks, man.

00:32:51.000 Oh, that's cool.

00:32:52.000 Yeah.

00:32:52.000 How about you?

00:32:54.000 Eight years.

00:32:57.000 When are you guys going back?

00:32:58.000 Next Tuesday, back to London and then just freaking traveling for six months.

00:33:02.000 That's cool.

00:33:03.000 Unbelievable travel.

00:33:04.000 So are you on the road all the time?

00:33:06.000 You travel all the time.

00:33:07.000 You're doing a stand-up comedy all the time.

00:33:08.000 Yeah, pretty much.

00:33:09.000 How's it going?

00:33:10.000 Like, are you doing big places?

00:33:12.000 Oh, yeah.

00:33:12.000 That's awesome.

00:33:13.000 I'm doing really well everywhere but the U.S. except the U.S. Do you spend a lot of time doing the clubs in the U.S. or you just don't have any kind of kind of stuff?

00:33:22.000 I got lots of connections.

00:33:23.000 I just stopped playing the U.S. about five, six years ago.

00:33:27.000 I just, I don't know.

00:33:28.000 I bought you a Mad TV cup.

00:33:31.000 This is a part of Hollywood history.

00:33:34.000 I present it for you.

00:33:35.000 Mad TV, I went to network on Mad TV and I faked the migraine so I didn't have to do my final audition and I just went home because I didn't want to be on the show.

00:33:44.000 Dude, good call.

00:33:47.000 I have had two friends from Mad TV, Bobby Lovely and Brian Callan, who's one of my best friends when I met him on it.

00:33:54.000 And both of them talked about the nightmare.

00:33:57.000 I just, the lady that was casting it, I don't want to say her name or anything, but she was a wing nut, man. 0.99

00:34:03.000 I've met some nutty casting ladies. 1.00

00:34:03.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:34:05.000 Most of them, they wanted to be No, I'm yay.

00:34:09.000 You good?

00:34:10.000 Most of them want to be actors, but for whatever reason, it just never cracks.

00:34:14.000 And then they have this weird power over people where they just decide whether or not you have a career.

00:34:19.000 Well, this one wanted to sleep with me.

00:34:21.000 Oh, ways.

00:34:22.000 She started taking me to parties before I even got the show and introduced me to her.

00:34:25.000 Oh, dude, you got to tell me her name.

00:34:26.000 No, wait a minute.

00:34:27.000 I'll tell you off there, but I bet it's the same one.

00:34:29.000 We got after a party.

00:34:30.000 She comes into the cabin.

00:34:31.000 I go, well, I met this girl.

00:34:32.000 She goes, it doesn't matter.

00:34:33.000 She sits on my lap.

00:34:34.000 She's got no panties on.

00:34:35.000 What color is her hair? 1.00

00:34:36.000 Yes, you motherfucker. 1.00

00:34:36.000 Blonde. 1.00

00:34:38.000 How old is she? 0.98

00:34:39.000 About late 30s at the time?

00:34:40.000 No, at the time.

00:34:41.000 No, 40.

00:34:41.000 Early 30s.

00:34:42.000 Early 30s?

00:34:43.000 2099, 2009.

00:34:46.000 Okay.

00:34:47.000 That sounds like the right girl.

00:34:48.000 We're going to have to talk off air.

00:34:50.000 Yeah, yeah, definitely off air.

00:34:51.000 She knew one who was a man-eater.

00:34:53.000 I've met a couple, yeah.

00:34:55.000 So this chick tries to get you. 1.00

00:34:56.000 Yeah, and obviously.

00:34:57.000 She puts her hand in your lap. 0.99

00:34:58.000 Oh, she sits on my lap and she's got no panties on. 1.00

00:34:59.000 She's just riding her vagina up and down like a nice little, I guess sort of like a bobsled up the... 1.00

00:35:07.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:35:08.000 Thinking that's the magic move to really get me. 1.00

00:35:10.000 Oh, wow, I didn't know you're going to put your wet vagina on my thigh. 1.00

00:35:13.000 Now I'm looking at it. 1.00

00:35:14.000 She's just giving you the green light.

00:35:15.000 I think for a lot of dudes, that's all you have to do.

00:35:17.000 I know, but I just met another girl, like just prior to it.

00:35:21.000 And I had this moral conundrum.

00:35:23.000 Yeah, she would have been in your life.

00:35:23.000 Good for you.

00:35:25.000 You would have been her little bitch. 1.00

00:35:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:35:27.000 She would have got you little things here and there. 1.00

00:35:28.000 You would have had to eat her ass. 1.00

00:35:29.000 It would have been terrible. 1.00

00:35:30.000 I love eating ass. 1.00

00:35:31.000 I don't even care if I know somebody that. 1.00

00:35:33.000 Do you want to be in the room for this? 1.00

00:35:35.000 You should see her ass. 1.00

00:35:36.000 It's like a fucking little heavenly dot. 1.00

00:35:38.000 Okay. 0.99

00:35:40.000 What did I say earlier?

00:35:41.000 Oh, too much information.

00:35:44.000 It looks like the skull I used to have. 0.83

00:35:46.000 So most of this is going to be on iTunes, so people can't see what the fuck we're talking about.

00:35:52.000 We do this part of it is for Ustream, though, and Ustream is like, I don't know, like, not even a quarter of what iTunes is.

00:35:58.000 Oh, very close.

00:35:58.000 Not even close.

00:35:59.000 And it sabotages our iTunes anyway, so it's kind of like...

00:36:04.000 A lot of people like just watching.

00:36:06.000 They like doing it at work. 0.99

00:36:07.000 They like to tune into it almost like it's some weird fucking ghetto TV show. 0.96

00:36:10.000 But I guess the new thing is subscriptions anyway. 0.98

00:36:13.000 So it's not about views.

00:36:15.000 It's about subscribe, subscribe, subscribe.

00:36:18.000 This is the cam right here.

00:36:19.000 This is like when I get the free chat sort of thing, I'm the girl on the bed going like this.

00:36:25.000 Yeah.

00:36:27.000 Yeah, do you...

00:36:36.000 Do you ever do those video things?

00:36:39.000 I do.

00:36:39.000 I do it with my wife.

00:36:40.000 You do it with her?

00:36:41.000 Oh, when you guys are on the road or something?

00:36:42.000 Yeah, Skype with pretty nasty ones, yeah.

00:36:44.000 But what is up with those chicks that they sit in their room and then they just do requests from guys on the internet? 1.00

00:36:49.000 Is that what they do?

00:36:51.000 Yeah, it's like you rent a room.

00:36:52.000 It's kind of like doing a private dance with a stripper, but you do it on video. 0.99

00:36:56.000 You know, give credit cards and you could tip if, hey, like, put this in your butthole. 0.99

00:36:59.000 I'll give you an extra $20. 0.99

00:37:00.000 It's kind of like, you know.

00:37:02.000 How big of a business is that?

00:37:03.000 It must be huge.

00:37:04.000 That's pretty much what porn stars are relying on to live, right? 0.97

00:37:08.000 Really?

00:37:09.000 With piracy right now, I think people want the intimacy issue of those things.

00:37:13.000 And that's where they make the most of the money because everybody just pirates all the porn right now.

00:37:16.000 And none of the studios are making much money.

00:37:18.000 I was just talking, a friend of mine runs Bluebird, which is one of the bigger porn companies.

00:37:22.000 And the piracy is killing them.

00:37:24.000 Of course.

00:37:25.000 It was a huge business.

00:37:26.000 You're talking about their business has been gutted.

00:37:29.000 It's really kind of funny because who decides what business is worthy of a bailout?

00:37:35.000 Yeah, we talked about that.

00:37:36.000 You know, if you think about that, man, who's been hit harder than the porn companies?

00:37:39.000 Yeah, the Valley could use some lifting.

00:37:41.000 Yeah, it's weird, though.

00:37:42.000 I mean, why is it okay if this part of the economy fails and this not?

00:37:47.000 Like, why is that?

00:37:49.000 You know, it's considered like cigarettes.

00:37:50.000 It's considered a vice.

00:37:52.000 Really, though, I mean, it's a weird call when it gets to like billions.

00:37:56.000 It's in the billions of dollars.

00:37:57.000 Yeah.

00:37:58.000 And it's dissolved and it's done through piracy. 0.93

00:38:01.000 First of all, no one gives a shit about the piracy. 0.92

00:38:03.000 Like, no, like all those sites, UPorn, UJIS. 0.98

00:38:07.000 From what I understand, the laws of copyright and clips, it's like really difficult to copyright sex.

00:38:14.000 All of those types, UPorn, XXX Tube, all those things, as of two weeks ago, joined with the porn companies.

00:38:21.000 Really?

00:38:21.000 Yeah, as a huge consortium.

00:38:22.000 They're coming on board together.

00:38:24.000 And it's a major announcement in the porn industry. 1.00

00:38:27.000 It fucking sucks. 1.00

00:38:29.000 Yeah, it fucking sucks. 1.00

00:38:30.000 Why does it suck? 1.00

00:38:31.000 Because that's not my kind of porn. 0.99

00:38:33.000 Oh. 1.00

00:38:33.000 What's gay porn doing? 1.00

00:38:35.000 I want the fucking... 1.00

00:38:40.000 Here's us fucking videos. 1.00

00:38:41.000 I don't want these fake videos. 0.99

00:38:43.000 You should keep our picture.

00:38:45.000 I got some freaking massive stuff on there. 1.00

00:38:47.000 So you like the amateur shit. 1.00

00:38:48.000 You like really obvious. 1.00

00:38:50.000 Just two people with a video camera.

00:38:52.000 It's like watching a sitcom nowadays and watching a reality show to me almost.

00:38:57.000 I can't watch a sitcom anymore.

00:38:58.000 Really?

00:38:59.000 It's really hard.

00:39:00.000 There's things that curb your enthusiasm that I like because that's more realistic than a laugh track and a setup pipeline.

00:39:10.000 No one talks over anyone ever.

00:39:11.000 It doesn't work for me anymore.

00:39:12.000 What about different countries' sitcoms?

00:39:15.000 I feel that way about American, but what about Peep Show?

00:39:17.000 Have you ever seen Peep Show?

00:39:18.000 No, no, they do kind of work better for me just because it's a little bit different.

00:39:22.000 I don't get the cheese and all that as much.

00:39:24.000 What is it, a European show?

00:39:25.000 It's a British show.

00:39:26.000 It's hilarious.

00:39:27.000 Is it Peep Show?

00:39:28.000 Yeah, Peep Show is really good.

00:39:29.000 A lot of people are reluctant to try that British comedy out.

00:39:32.000 I love it.

00:39:32.000 Especially The Office is one of the first ones that I really caught onto, the original Office.

00:39:37.000 That's brilliant.

00:39:38.000 I love Extras.

00:39:39.000 Stephen Merchant as the agent in Extras is just freaking brilliant.

00:39:43.000 Mickey Gervais, for whatever reason, was never really on my radar. 0.97

00:39:46.000 I just never paid attention until, I mean, everybody always said The Office was great, but I never watched it until that fucking speech at the Golden Globes. 0.99

00:39:53.000 He was crushing everybody. 0.99

00:39:54.000 And then I said, all right, well, this guy's fucking hilarious. 0.97

00:39:57.000 You know, I'm going to pay attention to him now. 0.85

00:40:00.000 My buddy opens for him on the road on his tour, Stuart Francis, and just says he's a brilliant guy to hang out with.

00:40:05.000 Just really vested in.

00:40:07.000 He never was traditionally a stand-up, and he's one of those guys that fell in love with it after the fact.

00:40:12.000 You know how other people get into this and exploit it after the fact?

00:40:15.000 Like the screeches.

00:40:16.000 Can I say these people? 1.00

00:40:17.000 You know, those shitbags. 1.00

00:40:17.000 Sure, yeah. 1.00

00:40:19.000 And they come on and they try to make their money off of their former notoriety.

00:40:23.000 Whereas he's notoriety.

00:40:25.000 So he came into stand-up because he realized it was a platform that just challenged him.

00:40:28.000 And it's actually a stand-up.

00:40:30.000 He's really pushing himself to be as good a stand-up as possible.

00:40:32.000 And I kind of respect that on some levels.

00:40:34.000 How long has he been doing stand-up then?

00:40:34.000 Yeah, oh, for sure.

00:40:36.000 I think about three years.

00:40:36.000 Oh, really?

00:40:37.000 So before he was just a writer and did acting and stuff?

00:40:41.000 Yeah, there's a lot of people that don't do stand-up that could do stand-up.

00:40:43.000 I always tell people, you know, it's just a matter of time, just figuring it out.

00:40:47.000 It's just a rhythm, a frequency.

00:40:49.000 You gotta figure out how to Jana Dierman.

00:40:53.000 We need to get her on the podcast. 0.98

00:40:54.000 We need to talk to her.

00:40:55.000 We're like, hey, you need to do comedy. 0.98

00:40:56.000 She's like, the porn. 1.00

00:40:58.000 That's a crazy porn star. 1.00

00:40:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:41:00.000 I met her.

00:41:00.000 I mean, she's totally somebody that should start doing comedy.

00:41:03.000 Yeah, she's very smart.

00:41:04.000 Yeah.

00:41:05.000 I mean, you could read that from her tweets. 1.00

00:41:06.000 She has some smart shit. 0.99

00:41:07.000 Have you read Katie Kobayashi's tweets? 1.00

00:41:09.000 Who?

00:41:10.000 Kim Kobayashi?

00:41:11.000 She's the funniest girl tweets on the internet.

00:41:13.000 She's from Japan. 0.95

00:41:14.000 She's this off-the-dark, twisted, very funny girl.

00:41:18.000 Worse than Bri Olson's.

00:41:19.000 Have you read Bri Olsen's Twitter?

00:41:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:41:22.000 Yeah.

00:41:22.000 Have you?

00:41:23.000 Bree Olsen's Twitter is ridiculous. 1.00

00:41:24.000 It's all loads and dicks in her. 1.00

00:41:27.000 And I wish this guy would fuck me or I just fucked. 1.00

00:41:30.000 Well, Kim's funny, though. 1.00

00:41:31.000 Like, she's satirical.

00:41:32.000 She's funny too.

00:41:34.000 She's funny in that bang. 1.00

00:41:36.000 Look at that.

00:41:40.000 Something.

00:41:41.000 Oh, this is good coffee.

00:41:42.000 Did you make this?

00:41:43.000 Yeah, it's Kona coffee, bro.

00:41:44.000 It's filtered through raccoon's butts. 0.85

00:41:44.000 It's from Hawaii. 0.85

00:41:47.000 This is the stuff they pull out of Meerkat's house?

00:41:49.000 No, I've had that stuff.

00:41:50.000 It's 40 bucks a pound.

00:41:51.000 I made Brian drink it before I told him what it was.

00:41:52.000 Yeah.

00:41:53.000 It was pretty good.

00:41:54.000 It's very good.

00:41:54.000 Very nutty.

00:41:55.000 Yeah, that's called Kopiluak.

00:42:00.000 Sorry, we haven't seen that yet.

00:42:01.000 Well, you haven't seen the medical weed yet?

00:42:03.000 No, we haven't.

00:42:04.000 I don't want to get my name on a list.

00:42:06.000 Oh, because it just depends how high you are on the list.

00:42:11.000 I have to explain why.

00:42:12.000 My wife's Canadian, right?

00:42:13.000 we're going to get her American citizenship when we come back in September.

00:42:17.000 Yeah.

00:42:17.000 So I don't want any risk of...

00:42:22.000 You're talking about something that you're scared to be on a list that if you get caught smoking outside, it says $79 ticket.

00:42:30.000 Like, who cares?

00:42:31.000 That's like, I'm on a list for Jerry Walker because he's from another country.

00:42:35.000 Yeah, immigration is different.

00:42:37.000 Yeah, but it's a medicine.

00:42:38.000 If you get a license.

00:42:39.000 It's federal, it's illegal still.

00:42:41.000 Yeah, he's right.

00:42:42.000 Yeah.

00:42:43.000 I mean, until we're fully taken over by the U.S., we have to honor your laws.

00:42:48.000 That's simple.

00:42:49.000 Yeah, you're never going to be taken over because we need a place to escape.

00:42:53.000 It's always going to keep it separate. 0.99

00:42:54.000 That's so gay with an H. I'm firing up the volcano. 1.00

00:42:57.000 That's what you hear in the background. 0.99

00:42:58.000 Look at that.

00:42:59.000 Yeah.

00:43:01.000 That's one we almost bought in Amsterdam.

00:43:03.000 We spent our honeymoon in Amsterdam.

00:43:05.000 Holla at your boy. 0.81

00:43:06.000 I heard you're not allowed to buy mushrooms anymore in England.

00:43:06.000 Yeah.

00:43:09.000 We were there the last day you could get mushrooms for legal.

00:43:11.000 We did, oh, it was awesome.

00:43:13.000 The last day.

00:43:14.000 Yeah.

00:43:14.000 You know why they did?

00:43:15.000 Because two French girls fell off of a bridge and drowned.

00:43:17.000 You know, come on.

00:43:18.000 Insert Bill Hicks joke.

00:43:21.000 You can still buy truffle.

00:43:22.000 You can still buy truffles?

00:43:23.000 Oh, yeah.

00:43:24.000 You can still buy the roots of the mushroom.

00:43:26.000 You can't buy them.

00:43:27.000 Does that do anything?

00:43:28.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:43:29.000 They screw up, but you have to eat more and it tastes worse.

00:43:32.000 You have to eat more and it tastes worse.

00:43:34.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:43:37.000 Yeah, peas. 0.84

00:43:39.000 I can take this off, too.

00:43:40.000 We're pretty warm in here.

00:43:41.000 Ouch.

00:43:42.000 Here, hit it.

00:43:42.000 Oh, okay.

00:43:43.000 This will be good for the drive home.

00:43:46.000 What do you want to take this off to the past?

00:43:49.000 Okay, don't hit it.

00:43:50.000 You want to hit it?

00:43:51.000 Sure.

00:43:52.000 This is just tobacco, right?

00:43:54.000 Yeah, it's totally tobacco.

00:43:55.000 It's herbs and spices.

00:43:56.000 Wow, that must be a menthol.

00:43:59.000 I had an email from a guy who said, you shouldn't smoke the marijuana on the podcast.

00:44:04.000 It's like athletes.

00:44:06.000 I don't want to see them training.

00:44:08.000 I just want to see them competing in their sport. 0.98

00:44:10.000 I'm like, what a fucking bizarre analogy. 0.99

00:44:13.000 Like, that makes zero sense. 0.99

00:44:17.000 That's the kind of analogy that you would get from someone who would tell you not to smoke pot on a podcast where you're obviously baked out of your head.

00:44:27.000 I need to get a volcano. 0.77

00:44:29.000 you need to get a volcano.

00:44:30.000 If there's anyone in the volcano company, They're not watching this.

00:44:36.000 We have the different type of vaporizer.

00:44:39.000 We have the wooden case one.

00:44:40.000 Yeah, those are good too.

00:44:42.000 They did, but they burn out really quickly.

00:44:44.000 Do they? 1.00

00:44:45.000 Well, you're a fucking savage. 1.00

00:44:46.000 If you're burning out vaporizers, Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:44:48.000 We're on number three right now.

00:44:50.000 Really?

00:44:51.000 Dude, it might be time to call Dr. Drew.

00:44:53.000 Burning out vaporizers.

00:44:54.000 Wait, wait, I got to chill out.

00:44:56.000 I got to go pick up my mom at the hotel.

00:44:58.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:44:59.000 Brian's getting baked as fuck. 1.00

00:45:00.000 Hey, my mom. 1.00

00:45:01.000 Mom's going to pick up his back in the box.

00:45:03.000 His mom's going to come over to his house with a black light and search for loads.

00:45:06.000 Mom's going to see Tron.

00:45:08.000 That would have been way better if I didn't cough on loads.

00:45:11.000 Your entire room would look like Tron. 0.81

00:45:13.000 Yeah.

00:45:13.000 With all the black light reflection.

00:45:15.000 Just like streams of racing.

00:45:17.000 Yeah, you ever watch those shows on the wall like little scare buddies?

00:45:21.000 It's probably a maze.

00:45:22.000 I could probably play a game.

00:45:23.000 You ever watch those exposés where they go to hotel rooms and scan everything with black lights?

00:45:27.000 I hate that.

00:45:28.000 Horrific.

00:45:28.000 For somebody that lives in hotels.

00:45:29.000 You live in hotels too.

00:45:30.000 Like, I can't deal with that.

00:45:32.000 It's crazy.

00:45:32.000 They showed this thing about bacteria content of the covers because they never washed the covers in the hotel.

00:45:37.000 Or the cups.

00:45:38.000 Have you ever seen the cups?

00:45:39.000 Because they don't take the cups down to the dishwasher. 0.99

00:45:41.000 They fucking sit there and wash them in the sink. 0.99

00:45:43.000 And sometimes people are just like, wash it out, put it in there. 1.00

00:45:46.000 They fucking took a sample off the cup, and it was like crazy shit, like feces. 1.00

00:45:52.000 I think it was feces everywhere. 1.00

00:45:52.000 It was bad. 1.00

00:45:54.000 I ate mine or something. 1.00

00:45:55.000 How many people are naked just sitting around with their naked asshole touching the couch and touching the office chair? 1.00

00:46:02.000 I had a friend stay at my house that did that. 1.00

00:46:02.000 I come everywhere. 1.00

00:46:05.000 Wait, why are you kicking me?

00:46:06.000 What do I do? 1.00

00:46:07.000 A friend that stayed at your house just left his fucking wet butthole all over the place? 1.00

00:46:12.000 He sits on my kitchen counter naked with his butt on it. 1.00

00:46:15.000 Is he seen one of those guys trying to be funny? 1.00

00:46:17.000 Is he one of those guys who tries too fucking hard? 0.99

00:46:19.000 Why do you hang out with naked guys? 0.99

00:46:20.000 We don't get along anymore. 0.58

00:46:20.000 I don't. 0.58

00:46:21.000 This is a while ago.

00:46:22.000 Obviously.

00:46:23.000 Because he tried too hard.

00:46:24.000 I asked him to leave and he couldn't understand why.

00:46:28.000 It's a very weird thing when people don't want to leave.

00:46:30.000 Yeah.

00:46:31.000 You know?

00:46:31.000 You ever have someone over your house and you tell them to leave and they're like, no, I'm not going anywhere.

00:46:35.000 And you're like, oh, fucking, what is this? 0.97

00:46:37.000 I have not had that. 1.00

00:46:38.000 What is this? 1.00

00:46:39.000 We're at my house and I don't want you here, but you want to stay, you fucking strange asshole? 1.00

00:46:44.000 That just says that you have too nice of a place. 1.00

00:46:46.000 No, I don't think that's what it says.

00:46:46.000 Is that what it says?

00:46:47.000 You have to have a shitty ante-room that you don't let people pass where nobody's comfortable. 0.60

00:46:54.000 I think what I'm saying is that some people just don't want to be rejected. 0.92

00:46:57.000 No, that's true.

00:46:58.000 That's the problem with women when they break up with men, right? 1.00

00:47:00.000 I mean, it's always obsessed, like, fucking nutty men. 0.99

00:47:04.000 You know, that's got to be the hardest thing ever when chicks break up with guys and they just don't let it go. 1.00

00:47:08.000 They keep fucking chasing them down. 0.99

00:47:10.000 Hmm. 0.99

00:47:10.000 I don't know if I've had that happen. 0.99

00:47:12.000 To you?

00:47:13.000 Yeah.

00:47:14.000 You mean as a girl?

00:47:15.000 Are you a woman?

00:47:17.000 Oh, I thought you were talking in the other direction, man.

00:47:19.000 Yeah.

00:47:19.000 I'm sorry.

00:47:20.000 Well, I've never freaked out and chased down a chick either.

00:47:23.000 But I was talking to a guy the other day, and he seemed like a real nice guy.

00:47:28.000 And just moved out here from New York, blah, blah, blah.

00:47:30.000 We're talking.

00:47:31.000 And he just starts going on, man.

00:47:33.000 I was living with this girl, man.

00:47:35.000 Everything was going great.

00:47:36.000 And then one day, she cooks me dinner and she tells me she doesn't think it's going to work out. 0.99

00:47:41.000 I'm like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:47:43.000 You fucking cooked me dinner for this? 1.00

00:47:45.000 You sat me down? 1.00

00:47:46.000 And then, so then he goes into like this other fucking heartache, this other heartbreak, and he couldn't fucking eat and he lost 30 pounds. 0.98

00:47:53.000 Like he keeps going into these heart, one heartbreak after another, you know, because I'm sympathetic. 1.00

00:47:57.000 I'm like, wow, man, that fucking sucks. 1.00

00:47:59.000 So he just keeps going. 1.00

00:48:00.000 And I'm like, damn, dude, at the third one, the third one, you might want to get a mirror. 0.99

00:48:05.000 You might want to get a mirror and just record yourself talking to people and play it back when you're high. 0.98

00:48:09.000 You know, like, does that seem douchey? 0.91

00:48:11.000 Do you seem crazy? 0.96

00:48:12.000 Are you obsessive? 1.00

00:48:13.000 Are you fucking wearing people out? 1.00

00:48:13.000 Are you annoying? 1.00

00:48:15.000 Are you an emotional vampire? 1.00

00:48:17.000 Are you an energy leech? 0.97

00:48:17.000 You know, what are you doing? 0.97

00:48:19.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

00:48:20.000 You can't have that many terrible, heartbreaking relationships where girls dump you. 1.00

00:48:25.000 Well, yeah, without taking one shit. 1.00

00:48:27.000 Girls don't want to dump you, dude. 1.00

00:48:29.000 Okay. 0.99

00:48:29.000 Girls like guys that are nice and they're fun and they're going to get their shit together. 0.99

00:48:33.000 But they also want guys that are confident, too. 0.94

00:48:35.000 If you're not confident, girls run for the hills. 1.00

00:48:37.000 Yeah, and especially if you don't make them feel like you're having fun.

00:48:40.000 I mean, life is supposed to be about you get a bunch of people together, you all enjoy each other's company, you have fun.

00:48:45.000 But if you got someone who's like creating artificial drama and you feel better when you're not with them, it's just a matter of time before you wisen up and kick that.

00:48:52.000 How would it occur?

00:48:55.000 Step.

00:48:56.000 If you're not in love with yourself first. 1.00

00:48:58.000 You should have a fucking motivational speeching career. 1.00

00:48:58.000 Oh, dude. 1.00

00:49:03.000 You should, dude.

00:49:03.000 You should have a CD.

00:49:04.000 You should be late at night.

00:49:05.000 I can see you.

00:49:06.000 Suit and a tie.

00:49:07.000 Maybe a wacky tie, something with polka dots.

00:49:10.000 But you're so happy and smiling.

00:49:12.000 Nobody cares.

00:49:13.000 I mean, look at my mansion. 0.99

00:49:14.000 Remember that guy, the fucking Vietnamese dude? 1.00

00:49:16.000 would sell real estate. 1.00

00:49:19.000 Look what I have here.

00:49:20.000 I can do that voice because my wife's Asian. 1.00

00:49:23.000 What was his name?

00:49:24.000 What was that guy's name?

00:49:25.000 You know all the Asians.

00:49:26.000 What was his name?

00:49:27.000 You guys are tight, right?

00:49:28.000 You guys all work together to take over the world.

00:49:31.000 That's the deal with the little shark guy with the money.

00:49:33.000 The guy who was on the late night thing where he was selling, whatever, Somebody's phone.

00:49:39.000 The guy, the late night thing, he was selling real estate.

00:49:41.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:49:42.000 He had the two girls with him in the car.

00:49:44.000 And like a Rolls-Royce or something like that.

00:49:46.000 And it's funny because that's all first-generation immigration to the U.S. always has that reflexive of the idea of what they think the U.S. is versus what it truly is. 0.70

00:49:54.000 Right.

00:49:54.000 You know, and that first reflection view of it is just lots of flashy wealth.

00:49:59.000 Tell me, Pete Johansen, as an outsider, as a non-American, what is it?

00:50:04.000 You're both.

00:50:05.000 You're a double agent.

00:50:07.000 Remember what we were saying earlier about CIA?

00:50:09.000 Yep.

00:50:10.000 I'm a sleeper Canadian.

00:50:12.000 So what is America?

00:50:13.000 America is, actually, it sounds corny, but America, the thing that separates Americans from everybody else is that sort of sublime, unkillable hope.

00:50:23.000 Like they always say, if you meet an American, eventually, someday they all believe that one day they're going to be rich.

00:50:28.000 And they vote now for when that's going to happen.

00:50:32.000 Canadians don't think they're going to be rich ever.

00:50:35.000 Wow.

00:50:36.000 We're just, as long as we don't get fired at the post office, you know.

00:50:39.000 Is that why Canadians are friendlier?

00:50:40.000 Is that why they're friendlier?

00:50:41.000 I mean, is it good to have that hope and be cunty because you're chasing it down?

00:50:45.000 I don't know what's better, to be completely honest with you, because, I mean, some of the greatest things in the world have taken place because of that ambition and hope.

00:50:52.000 At the same point, some of the most compassionate things in the world take place because of, I think, of a lot of the Canadian principles and ideals.

00:50:52.000 Sure.

00:50:57.000 We're very compassionate people. 0.99

00:50:58.000 Yeah, it's a fine fucking dance, isn't it? 0.99

00:51:00.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:51:01.000 It's like, it's a fine dance between the two ideas. 1.00

00:51:03.000 And the problem with American is that go get it and go get them, fucking, you know, chase down your dreams, all that shit leads to a lot of douchebags. 1.00

00:51:12.000 Well, yeah. 1.00

00:51:13.000 Not everybody.

00:51:13.000 I mean, not everybody who's ambitious is douchey about it.

00:51:16.000 Well, this is the Harry Potter generation, too.

00:51:18.000 Like, everybody expects these great things to show up now.

00:51:21.000 And that drive to create doesn't exist anymore.

00:51:23.000 Like, I mean, we're raising our kids, telling them special without telling them, hey, you're not special.

00:51:27.000 You're all exactly the same, but you can work hard and become special.

00:51:30.000 Well, they've also introduced this new thing, the celebrity lottery by way of reality shows.

00:51:36.000 Now it's literally the lottery.

00:51:39.000 Because you're not talking about anybody with any talent whatsoever.

00:51:42.000 There's nothing fascinating about them.

00:51:44.000 They don't have a great job. 1.00

00:51:46.000 They're just fucking retards. 1.00

00:51:47.000 And if you follow these retards around, you get to know who they are, and then all of a sudden the fucking story takes place because now you know her and you know she doesn't like Deb and Tony used to date her and fuck I'm locked into this now and do you know how many of those shows they will follow around Nothing fucking happens, so they have to artificially create tension by writing it in. 1.00

00:52:04.000 That's how shitty their lives are, dude. 0.98

00:52:05.000 That's why Duncan Trussell didn't do the comedy store one when they were doing one at the comedy store. 0.68

00:52:10.000 The reason we stepped out of it, he didn't want to do it.

00:52:12.000 You know, they were going to like create things.

00:52:15.000 Artificial tension.

00:52:15.000 We have to go.

00:52:16.000 All right, this is what we're going to do.

00:52:17.000 You're going to go to lunch and you're going to go to the first place, but nobody likes it.

00:52:20.000 And then you're going to go to the second place and nobody likes it.

00:52:22.000 And then you're going to go to the third place, you're going to get in a big argument, and you're going to settle on the third place. 0.99

00:52:26.000 It was just like ridiculous nonsense shit, like to create, like you're following. 0.98

00:52:30.000 Like, how's this end? 0.99

00:52:31.000 Like, just enough to get that low-watt frequency where you're half awake and barely paying attention.

00:52:31.000 How's it end?

00:52:38.000 You're not even engaged at all. 1.00

00:52:39.000 But you're following this fucking nonsense. 1.00

00:52:41.000 It's... 1.00

00:52:42.000 Yeah, the cusp of what they consider entertainment now is just so fucking... 0.82

00:52:49.000 Why is that? 0.96

00:52:50.000 Is it because people are fucking tired? 0.98

00:52:52.000 Is it like you get home from work and you're exhausted and you're working all day chasing a dream and most people are in debt and they just want some nonsense escape without too much thinking? 0.98

00:53:01.000 There's enough wealth in our Western society that we don't have to work this hard to survive.

00:53:05.000 We're sort of being run on a treadmill on purpose.

00:53:08.000 Well, sort of.

00:53:09.000 Is that true though? 0.97

00:53:10.000 Because the financial system is so fucking entangled.

00:53:15.000 If you divided up the top, even half of the top wealth in this country, still allowing them to be wealthy, but at a half percent, half of what they are, you'd have enough to raise almost everybody out of poverty in this country.

00:53:25.000 Right, but you could never do that.

00:53:27.000 I mean, what are you going to do?

00:53:28.000 Are you going to make them give up their money?

00:53:30.000 Is you going to make them fork over half their cash because they were more successful than everybody else?

00:53:34.000 Success is a relative term.

00:53:36.000 If I could argue against pure unadulterated capitalism, there's the infrastructure on some level that is dependent upon the creation of the entire society, be it the highways, the phone lines, the code of laws, the way we treat ourselves.

00:53:46.000 Sure.

00:53:47.000 They're beneficial of that thing, which is society.

00:53:48.000 Therefore, it's up to us to use our system in order to succeed to a certain degree.

00:53:53.000 Sure, it's a certain amount of resources, but do you think that the wealthy man deserves to pay much more resources than the poor man?

00:53:59.000 Or should it be a percentage of what they earn?

00:54:01.000 A percentage of what they earn.

00:54:03.000 It should be a flat percentage of what they earn across the board. 0.71

00:54:06.000 But I think where they really should get dinged is at death.

00:54:08.000 I don't believe in inheritance.

00:54:10.000 That's fascinating.

00:54:11.000 But what if you want your kids to have it?

00:54:13.000 It's your wish.

00:54:14.000 You're going to go steal that guy's money?

00:54:15.000 No.

00:54:16.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:54:18.000 You had a son and your son was an awesome guy and he loved to surf and you didn't want him to have to get a job.

00:54:23.000 You're like, look, bro, I'm going to give you my million dollars and then you live a frugal life and you'll never have to work again and then you could just surf.

00:54:30.000 A little bit's fine, but I don't believe it. 0.99

00:54:32.000 Not fucking all my money. 0.96

00:54:33.000 I want to give it to my kids. 0.99

00:54:34.000 A million bucks. 1.00

00:54:35.000 That just produces a fucking monarchy or a royal class of douchebags. 1.00

00:54:35.000 No way. 1.00

00:54:41.000 Why is that so?

00:54:41.000 No.

00:54:42.000 No.

00:54:42.000 If you have money that you want to give to a kid, you love your kid and you want to leave him your money, you're saying he shouldn't be able to get your money?

00:54:42.000 Why is that true?

00:54:49.000 All of it, no, I don't believe that. 0.97

00:54:49.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

00:54:51.000 That's absolutely ridiculous. 0.98

00:54:52.000 So you think the government should come in and regulate where your money goes? 0.99

00:54:56.000 Well, I'd like to encourage them to give it away before they die.

00:54:59.000 You know where it's going to go?

00:55:00.000 It's going to go to government agencies.

00:55:01.000 That's where it's going to go.

00:55:02.000 It's going to get chopped up.

00:55:03.000 The Carnegie Foundation or the Foundation or perhaps some of the great foundations that have changed the face of the world in philanthropy.

00:55:11.000 That would be a different way to go, like the Rockefeller Society.

00:55:14.000 These groups have done and created great systems of art that wouldn't have created without their money.

00:55:19.000 But no, or you could hold on to it with both your little hands and then the government pries it out and builds a highway. 0.98

00:55:24.000 Yeah, but why would anyone have the right to say what you can and cannot leave for your children?

00:55:30.000 Well, it's money.

00:55:31.000 It's your business.

00:55:32.000 You made that money.

00:55:33.000 It's your money.

00:55:34.000 You didn't make it.

00:55:34.000 Money itself is kind of an illusion of debt against the whole.

00:55:37.000 Okay, but you were far more successful than most and you accumulated a mass amount of whatever the fuck you want to call money. 0.61

00:55:44.000 I'm not saying it's not. 0.85

00:55:44.000 And it's your thing. 0.85

00:55:45.000 It's your remnant of your work.

00:55:47.000 And if you decide that you want to give it to your kid, maybe your kid has an idea. 0.90

00:55:50.000 Maybe your kid wants to invest an incredible amount in clean energy and fucking dedicated himself to that. 0.99

00:55:55.000 Well, whatever the fuck he wants to do. 0.99

00:55:57.000 If it's your kid, no, why should you have to? 0.99

00:55:59.000 Why would you have more government evasion your life?

00:56:02.000 Who's going to run these foundations?

00:56:03.000 I disagree. 1.00

00:56:04.000 Fucking weirdos, man. 1.00

00:56:05.000 Probably. 1.00

00:56:06.000 I don't like most of the people in government.

00:56:07.000 I don't think government's the answer to a lot of things, but I don't think that we should be creating hierarchical sort of niches in society reflective of the feudalist domination that we used to have when we were serfs.

00:56:16.000 And that's what this concentration of wealth that's not divided after is created.

00:56:20.000 But that's ridiculous, because what if this guy built it up from scratch all on his own?

00:56:23.000 He wants to give it to his children because they aided him in getting to that position by giving him a stable family and giving him love and support that enabled him to be super successful.

00:56:31.000 If their kids aided them in the creation of it, then the kids earned money on the process and they should have lots of money from their own endeavors on the same path, like the Walmart family.

00:56:39.000 Wow, dude, that's some crazy socialism.

00:56:41.000 I don't know if it's socialism.

00:56:42.000 It's absolutely socialism.

00:56:43.000 Sure.

00:56:45.000 You're going to leave your kid enough money to survive and you're not going to have to get a great life.

00:56:48.000 Hold on a second.

00:56:49.000 Don't you people know how to just plug into the wall like R2D2 and protect your voice?

00:56:49.000 No, no, no.

00:56:55.000 What are you saying?

00:56:57.000 I was just saying you would obviously leave your kid enough to be able to survive and have a great life.

00:57:05.000 The only money that would go to the government or to the country would be excess wealth.

00:57:12.000 By whose judgment is excess wealth?

00:57:14.000 Excess wealth to Sylvester Stallone is different than excess wealth to Brian.

00:57:17.000 But it would be in the amount that it is.

00:57:20.000 Just a comfortable life.

00:57:21.000 Yeah, I just, I think that there should be a recreation of how we strive after things.

00:57:27.000 I don't think money is the best answer to things.

00:57:28.000 And I think that we've came up with capitalism.

00:57:30.000 I don't think socialism is the answer or communism.

00:57:32.000 But I think that we should evolve past currency at some point.

00:57:35.000 We should be trying to do something else.

00:57:36.000 I mean, what if you could only make a certain amount of money and then you got like titles or more rights and certain things like that?

00:57:41.000 I think that would be more appealing on some levels.

00:57:43.000 You know, creating the gentleman class, creating exclusionary areas that people that strive to sort of, you know, be more can have.

00:57:49.000 People would call that social engineering.

00:57:51.000 Yes, exactly.

00:57:52.000 Is that good?

00:57:53.000 It depends on who's engineering, really.

00:57:53.000 I don't know.

00:57:55.000 I mean, it's the divine enlightened person.

00:57:58.000 How about all of them throughout history?

00:57:58.000 Not one.

00:58:00.000 Everyone who gets to a position of power, absolutely, power, without a doubt, corrupts absolutely.

00:58:05.000 It's an age-old quote for a reason, you know?

00:58:08.000 Yeah, and the system will fall down and be ready.

00:58:10.000 Dicks work. 1.00

00:58:10.000 Men have dicks. 1.00

00:58:11.000 For you when you come from Canada because it works there. 1.00

00:58:14.000 Yeah.

00:58:15.000 It completely works.

00:58:15.000 Do you know what I mean?

00:58:16.000 Nobody strives to be super rich because your quality of life won't be that much different than being poor.

00:58:21.000 I think people strive.

00:58:22.000 Everybody, in every group, there's going to be people striving to be great.

00:58:25.000 You don't think your quality of life is better if you're rich than if you're not?

00:58:28.000 No, in Canada, it's better, but it's not like it.

00:58:31.000 The thing is the difference between poor and rich is much greater here than like the if you're the richest guy in a city like the city I come from it's 90,000 people so if you're the richest guy in that city and you're like middle class or lower class in that city you have a general quality of life in that city about equal if not a maybe a little worse because maybe they have something cool in their house i would not trust social engineering to to many people you know i don't i don't think many people would have the right intentions and

00:59:01.000 And once they get into a position of power, it's up to them to decide where money goes and which agencies get allocated.

00:59:08.000 I mean, I don't trust them.

00:59:09.000 I don't know.

00:59:10.000 Not by a long shot.

00:59:11.000 I'm with you with not trusting.

00:59:12.000 But I see what you're saying on paper.

00:59:13.000 I see what you're saying on paper.

00:59:15.000 But I'm saying that there's no reason why we shouldn't be striving to be better than what we are now where we wouldn't trust people like this.

00:59:20.000 Yeah, but I don't think the way is to the real way is to encourage philanthropy and love and to encourage it, though, but not to mandate it, not to get in and decide.

00:59:29.000 But some group of people just gank someone's resources because they left this dimension.

00:59:34.000 But there's so many people that exist right now that I think that are, and maybe this is probably naive because I'm sure they've existed all throughout time, but they're just more in the eye of the media or people or whatever.

00:59:45.000 I've never seen a level of greed that I've seen now in this generation.

00:59:49.000 I think it's natural.

00:59:50.000 I think it's natural, of course, because it's from when we were pack animals and we were surviving and fighting for every little thing.

00:59:56.000 We get our paws on to mate and survive and eat.

00:59:59.000 But at some point, I mean, now that we're all kind of fat, we should start working on not being so greedy.

01:00:07.000 And that level of greed shouldn't be sort of rewarded by this.

01:00:10.000 I don't know.

01:00:11.000 I don't think greed should be rewarded on the level of compassion should be.

01:00:13.000 Education should be.

01:00:14.000 This society is propelled forward by technology and innovation and success.

01:00:19.000 For each individual person has moved to money, whereas it used to be status in society.

01:00:24.000 Not for all of them.

01:00:25.000 Okay, let's just take an example of the 1800s.

01:00:27.000 In New York, let's say you made your money through spurious means.

01:00:29.000 Let's say you were a loan shark, if you will.

01:00:31.000 And you're very wealthy in society.

01:00:32.000 You still couldn't get a reservation at most fine places because you weren't a gentleman.

01:00:37.000 You weren't considered of the class or the ilk that they would like to serve.

01:00:40.000 And that sounds awful in modern day terms because we're this egalitarian equal society.

01:00:44.000 It defines people.

01:00:44.000 Well, it's a caste system.

01:00:46.000 But to a certain degree, there's something wonderful about ascertaining to a status in society as well as a wealth in society.

01:00:53.000 You know, like respect.

01:00:55.000 Respect by how, though?

01:00:56.000 Isn't the respect and no...

01:00:57.000 That's family respect.

01:00:58.000 Family?

01:00:59.000 It's just...

01:01:00.000 I mean, isn't it like with caste systems, isn't it?

01:01:02.000 Where you come from?

01:01:03.000 What kind of a...

01:01:03.000 No, no, no.

01:01:04.000 This would be an earned gentleman class.

01:01:05.000 Oh, so you would create a new caste system.

01:01:08.000 That's what you're saying?

01:01:08.000 Yeah, you'd follow a code of being fair and just and compassionate.

01:01:13.000 Yeah, I mean, it's always good to do that.

01:01:15.000 You know, it's always good to be fair and just and nice to people.

01:01:18.000 I think that's what we have to encourage.

01:01:19.000 Instead of deciding where people's money goes and doesn't go, that's too much government, man.

01:01:24.000 It's too many people. 1.00

01:01:24.000 Too many people fucking with money. 1.00

01:01:26.000 Too many people become greedy. 1.00

01:01:28.000 Too many people engage in corruption.

01:01:30.000 I mean, politicians have shown themselves over and over and over again to be embedded with corruption to the point where it's legal.

01:01:37.000 I mean, corruption is...

01:01:39.000 How is lobbying?

01:01:39.000 Campaign funding, right?

01:01:40.000 Campaign funding and lobbying.

01:01:41.000 You'll never solve a problem in this country until campaign funding is gone.

01:01:45.000 I 100% agree with you.

01:01:46.000 Like, not a single thing can be tackled.

01:01:48.000 And, you know, people have to abandon the idea of a two-party system, too.

01:01:52.000 We have to abandon the idea that these two people are the only ideas out there and that they're diametrically opposed from each other and they're battling constantly. 0.96

01:01:59.000 They're ridiculous. 0.72

01:02:00.000 Most of us are hybrids. 0.99

01:02:01.000 Most of us are a conglomeration of conservative and liberal thinking.

01:02:05.000 And, you know, they pit ideas against each other's ideas to keep this battle back and forth. 0.99

01:02:11.000 Because it goes with our monkey tribal instincts to be on a fucking team. 0.99

01:02:15.000 You know, that's a problem. 0.99

01:02:16.000 So our whole political system is a problem.

01:02:19.000 Our whole financial system is a problem.

01:02:19.000 I agree.

01:02:21.000 But as long as everyone is playing the capitalist game, which is what they are.

01:02:24.000 I mean, everybody that works is playing this capitalist game. 0.99

01:02:26.000 Just because someone's a bad motherfucker at it doesn't mean you get to take his ball when he dies. 0.99

01:02:31.000 You know, I mean, he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants with that. 0.99

01:02:34.000 If we're all going to play this game. 0.97

01:02:35.000 I see what you're saying, though, that we shouldn't play all this game.

01:02:38.000 And that if the society was utopian and if society was if we really came to some point of enlightenment where we really treated each other like brothers and sisters and all kind of work together.

01:02:48.000 And instead of money, figure out some strange sort of a barter system or get what you need because I know you have good character and you contribute because you're conscientious.

01:02:56.000 Have that like a universal across the board thing.

01:02:59.000 But that's not human beings.

01:03:00.000 That's the problem.

01:03:01.000 You're talking about an enlightened being.

01:03:03.000 But that's not what we are now.

01:03:04.000 We should be trying to evolve.

01:03:06.000 We should be.

01:03:07.000 I mean, that's kind of the goal.

01:03:08.000 Maintaining the status quo doesn't help us as a creature.

01:03:12.000 We should always be striving to become this better thing.

01:03:15.000 Well, you are.

01:03:16.000 We are.

01:03:17.000 You are.

01:03:18.000 We are.

01:03:18.000 I slept until 2.

01:03:19.000 Well, it doesn't matter.

01:03:20.000 You're not hurting anybody.

01:03:21.000 You're doing comedy.

01:03:22.000 You're spreading fun everywhere you go.

01:03:24.000 I mean, it's not.

01:03:25.000 I mean, we're defining the whole group together.

01:03:28.000 Right.

01:03:29.000 And I think there's a lot of enlightened people and there's a lot of people that are thinking about things a lot differently than they were 10 years ago or 20 years ago.

01:03:36.000 It's changing.

01:03:37.000 Because of this, because the Internet is a big part of it.

01:03:39.000 Because we're all talking to each other.

01:03:40.000 And also because the Internet's allowing some extreme points of view to come and talk to each other where they're forced to be isolatory before.

01:03:46.000 Especially, I think, when it comes to, I mean, everybody's arguing that it's allowing the fringe groups to become more radical.

01:03:51.000 And it does to a certain degree.

01:03:52.000 But at the same point, you can reach out in an instant and communicate with somebody from a differing point of view now.

01:03:58.000 Yeah.

01:03:58.000 Whereas you never used to do that.

01:03:59.000 If you grew up in a really tiny white town in Idaho or whatever, you know, like that, you might not ever be. 0.95

01:04:03.000 meet another race in general or whatever and so i think that the as much as people are complaining oh this is bringing us way more together than we've ever been yeah i agree with you i agree with you i agree with you i mean when you look at the sheer numbers i mean there should be fights and deaths on the street all day it should be you know the sheer numbers of people there's there's so many goddamn people it's amazing that people aren't killing each other more than they are yeah you know it really is amazing you know yeah especially with the driving here there's a message board that i go to and one of the reasons why i go to is because it's not it's the the mixmartial arts.com it's

01:04:34.000 It's an interesting message board because there's a lot of intelligent people, and then there's a lot of super retards on there, too. 1.00

01:04:40.000 And the super retards will jump on, and they're like, It's always the same story with these libs. 1.00

01:04:45.000 They use libs talk.

01:04:47.000 And oh, my God.

01:04:50.000 And it goes the other way, too. 1.00

01:04:51.000 There's a lot of dudes who shit on conservatives, and they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. 1.00

01:04:55.000 My brother just directed a film called Atlas Shrugged. 1.00

01:04:57.000 I heard of it.

01:04:58.000 And Ran.

01:04:59.000 It's an incredibly right-wing philosophy.

01:05:01.000 Did this just get done? 1.00

01:05:04.000 went up on the but i i go on and i was reading all the comments on it and it's all left-wing white or right-wing everything this massive argument i'm like both sides sounds like idiots. 0.99

01:05:13.000 You pick a fucking team, it's like you pick an argument. 1.00

01:05:13.000 So silly. 1.00

01:05:16.000 But then it's interesting because we have some completely different point of views when it comes to economics. 0.90

01:05:20.000 Obviously, you have a very Milton Friedman-esque sort of point of view.

01:05:23.000 No, I'm inside the workings of this society without completely recreating it.

01:05:28.000 Yes.

01:05:29.000 But if you want to completely recreate it, I agree with you.

01:05:31.000 I mean, I'm just saying that while we're all playing this game, this is a good thing.

01:05:31.000 Yeah.

01:05:40.000 That's why the healthcare thing, like the whole thing with Obamacare and stuff like that, it's caused such a turmoil and stuff like that.

01:05:45.000 And I kind of agree.

01:05:46.000 I don't think it's going to work that well.

01:05:47.000 I think it's very important to be aware of all the goodness.

01:05:51.000 It's very important to be aware of your own ideas of evolution, your own ideas of looking at things in a more loving and peaceful way. 0.98

01:05:59.000 But you also got to be aware that a lot of dudes are cunts. 0.98

01:06:03.000 And you can't let cunts get in the way of that. 1.00

01:06:05.000 But why do they become cunts? 0.99

01:06:06.000 Because life's a lot of them. 0.99

01:06:07.000 Their parents didn't raise them.

01:06:08.000 Most of it. 0.98

01:06:09.000 Most of it's their parents or some terrible thing happened to them when they were young or just shitty household, lots of abuse. 0.93

01:06:16.000 And I came from an awful, like, my parents were awful abusive and stuff like that.

01:06:20.000 But that's probably why you're so introspective, you know, because you were forced to think on your own.

01:06:24.000 I think a lot of astounding people that I've met, a lot of exceptional people, have come from some point of great strife.

01:06:30.000 The universe doesn't create diamonds, you know, just by pillows smashing together. 0.99

01:06:35.000 Some shit has to happen. 0.99

01:06:36.000 It's like Al Binos. 1.00

01:06:37.000 I was watching Powder last night.

01:06:39.000 He's amazing.

01:06:41.000 I think he was hit by lightning.

01:06:42.000 Or is that John Travolta?

01:06:44.000 Which one was hit by lightning? 0.99

01:06:46.000 Why is there so many movies about retards who become super fucking smart? 1.00

01:06:49.000 That's like the new Wolfman. 0.99

01:06:51.000 Well, it's again that Harry Potter fantasy.

01:06:53.000 Nobody wants to work hard at being a genius. 0.99

01:06:55.000 They don't want to have to fucking study. 0.99

01:06:57.000 But boy, if some lightning would strike me and all of a sudden I can do a calculator, I'm the Apple Dumpling game. 0.99

01:07:02.000 What happened to John Travolta?

01:07:03.000 Did he get hit by lightning or was it a UFO?

01:07:06.000 Something happened to him.

01:07:07.000 He was also an angel.

01:07:08.000 He became a lot more ways than one, bro.

01:07:11.000 No, no, no, the movie Angel.

01:07:13.000 No, it's Michael.

01:07:14.000 Michael Michael.

01:07:15.000 He was an angel in that one?

01:07:16.000 Yeah, I actually saw that in the movie theater and I feel like shitting myself.

01:07:22.000 He was an angel in Michael.

01:07:24.000 It's like it's all the roles you can play when you've cleared your thetans. 0.87

01:07:27.000 You're enjoying this.

01:07:28.000 Put their headphones on so you know when you're talking.

01:07:30.000 You'll feel it better.

01:07:31.000 When Scientology clears you, those are the only roles you can do.

01:07:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:07:35.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

01:07:36.000 Wrap your head around that shit. 1.00

01:07:37.000 Have you been reading about that guy? 1.00

01:07:39.000 Michael Maskovich?

01:07:40.000 What is his name?

01:07:41.000 Higgs, the guy who's suing Scientology?

01:07:44.000 Oh, the screenplay writer.

01:07:46.000 Yes.

01:07:46.000 Oh, yeah, he's Canadian.

01:07:48.000 Yeah, and he's for the last... 0.99

01:07:52.000 Yeah, and for the last fucking hit... 0.98

01:07:56.000 And for the last 35 years, he's saying that now he realizes that he's been in a cult. 0.99

01:08:02.000 Like, I don't buy that.

01:08:04.000 Okay, I don't buy that you didn't look the whole time you were there.

01:08:04.000 You don't buy it?

01:08:08.000 You didn't think about what you were doing.

01:08:09.000 You're this brilliant screenwriter, and you're telling me after 35 years, you just realize it's a cult now.

01:08:14.000 And you just realized they don't like homosexuals? 0.97

01:08:17.000 Yeah, bro. 1.00

01:08:17.000 You're fucking sitting there in a desk staring at some other half-wit across from you, and you're holding two fucking soup cans connected by strings that are attached to this meter. 1.00

01:08:26.000 And you're telling me that you just now figured out that you've been an occult. 1.00

01:08:30.000 You motherfucker. 1.00

01:08:31.000 That one was, though. 1.00

01:08:32.000 Which one?

01:08:33.000 What the one thing that they did that was weird that sentiment was.

01:08:36.000 You don't know.

01:08:38.000 They're against homosexuals yet. 1.00

01:08:40.000 It seems to fucking return. 1.00

01:08:41.000 They're remembership. 1.00

01:08:43.000 Well, they believe that you can cure it.

01:08:44.000 They believe that you can cure homosexuality somehow or other. 0.57

01:08:46.000 Cats. 1.00

01:08:47.000 Coffee and fake wives and shit. 1.00

01:08:49.000 That's how they do it. 1.00

01:08:51.000 Hold some chick's hand and walk in front of a camera and cured. 0.97

01:08:55.000 A string of blockbusters is what you need.

01:08:57.000 Yeah.

01:08:57.000 Boy, man.

01:08:58.000 Scientology, man.

01:09:00.000 The wheels really came off that machine.

01:09:01.000 When John Travolta, that video got released online of him, the indoctrination speech.

01:09:07.000 When you see a car accident and you know you have to pull over because you're a Scientologist and you're the only one that can help.

01:09:13.000 Like, you're the only one that can help.

01:09:15.000 Find that, Brian. 1.00

01:09:16.000 Find that shit and queue it up because it is bananas. 1.00

01:09:19.000 It's one of my favorite videos on the internet. 1.00

01:09:22.000 It's a fucking genius, man. 0.99

01:09:23.000 But how does this guy not know back then? 0.99

01:09:26.000 I bet you it won't be online.

01:09:27.000 I bet you they pulled it down.

01:09:28.000 They're the most litigious organization on the planet.

01:09:31.000 How could they get away with it, though?

01:09:32.000 Do you really think that something's not online?

01:09:34.000 Did you really just say that?

01:09:36.000 Sorry, I don't think it's there.

01:09:38.000 You just offended the super nerd, man.

01:09:40.000 It's Tom Cruise, by the way, doing the speech.

01:09:42.000 And if you can find it, I will be amazed because I bet you it was taken down.

01:09:47.000 They are so quick to take things down.

01:09:49.000 Yeah, because every time they, when they had that fist fight with that guy, all right, here you go.

01:09:55.000 Sorry. 1.00

01:09:56.000 There still remains killing, you fucking spastic. 1.00

01:10:01.000 They've already got going through his whole goddamn word on the map. 1.00

01:10:06.000 Call it Tom Cruise on Tom Cruise Scientologist. 0.99

01:10:13.000 This is one of their videos.

01:10:17.000 Something that you have to earn.

01:10:18.000 And because Scientologist does, he or she has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions.

01:10:31.000 Being Scientologist, you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them. 0.77

01:10:35.000 So for me, it really is KSW.

01:10:37.000 And it's just like, it's something that I don't mince words with that, you know, with anything that LRH does.

01:10:47.000 But that policy to me has really gone boy.

01:10:50.000 And I read out of the fight.

01:10:52.000 Just a time I went through and said, you know what?

01:10:56.000 When I read it, you know, I just went, this is it.

01:11:00.000 This is exactly it.

01:11:02.000 Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident, it's not like anyone else. 0.79

01:11:08.000 As you drive past, you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help.

01:11:14.000 That's what drives me, is that I know that we have an opportunity to really help for the first time effectively change. 1.00

01:11:29.000 All right, Kill this loony shit. 1.00

01:11:31.000 You guys give me a fucking headache. 1.00

01:11:33.000 You shut up. 1.00

01:11:35.000 Those are skills honed from many years of getting straight guys to suck his cock, for sure. 1.00

01:11:39.000 Look how compelling he is. 1.00

01:11:41.000 He's so confident, and the fucking eye contact that he makes is so intense. 1.00

01:11:45.000 I bet he's had more than 100 straight guys suck his cock and not even realize it until they were doing it. 1.00

01:11:50.000 That is, I mean, what? 0.99

01:11:51.000 If that's true, then I might join, because that's amazing.

01:11:51.000 I guarantee you.

01:11:53.000 You bet you'd probably suck his cock. 1.00

01:11:55.000 I might think about it. 1.00

01:11:57.000 But then I would think about Joey Diaz's jokes.

01:12:01.000 That was mesmerizing.

01:12:03.000 Didn't it?

01:12:04.000 Wait, it did or didn't seem like mesmerizing.

01:12:07.000 It was mesmerizing music.

01:12:08.000 It was like it was.

01:12:09.000 Yeah.

01:12:10.000 Mission Impossible music.

01:12:11.000 Wasn't that Mission Impossible music?

01:12:12.000 Very serious.

01:12:13.000 They slowed down.

01:12:15.000 It was so weird.

01:12:16.000 Really, clearly.

01:12:17.000 He's so strange.

01:12:18.000 And you know, another fascinating thing was the acronym thing.

01:12:21.000 For me, it's all KSW.

01:12:23.000 Like they have this weird thing.

01:12:24.000 Like you're becoming.

01:12:26.000 They wear those Navy suits over the same mindset.

01:12:29.000 Yeah.

01:12:29.000 And they think they're in the Navy, but they're not.

01:12:31.000 They're in some sort of religious cult, which that's kind of a cool cult when you think you're in the Navy.

01:12:36.000 What cult thinks it's in the Navy?

01:12:38.000 Scientologists.

01:12:39.000 Do they wear like Navy outfits?

01:12:41.000 That's their top level of all their thing.

01:12:43.000 Whoa, wait a minute.

01:12:44.000 I did not know this.

01:12:44.000 Hold on.

01:12:45.000 So you're telling me the top level people dress up like Popeye?

01:12:48.000 Yes.

01:12:49.000 Totally.

01:12:51.000 Oh, my gosh.

01:12:52.000 Look at the lightning mint.

01:12:53.000 There's a carax.

01:12:57.000 Let's get that curry, Belito.

01:12:59.000 Get your hands off me. 1.00

01:13:00.000 This is forbidden.

01:13:01.000 It comes from when L. Ron Hubbard couldn't, they wouldn't let him dock in any country because he owed taxes everywhere.

01:13:06.000 So he lived on this cruise ship.

01:13:07.000 Oh, my God.

01:13:08.000 And so all of his close relatives, everybody around him, was dressed like Caesar.

01:13:11.000 That became the hierarchy of the church.

01:13:13.000 How badass was L. Ron Hubbard?

01:13:15.000 Respect.

01:13:16.000 He got those monkeys to dance for him, and they're still dancing even after he's dead.

01:13:19.000 Well, he formed it because Aleister Crowley wouldn't let him into the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, the secret society in England.

01:13:25.000 So he wanted to prove to him he was worthy, but he said, watch, I'll create my own religion.

01:13:28.000 Created this religion.

01:13:29.000 They went back to him.

01:13:29.000 People believed in it.

01:13:30.000 Aleister Crowley still didn't want him.

01:13:31.000 You know, the thing about it, though, it's really fascinating about Scientology.

01:13:35.000 I bought a Dianetics book once when I first moved to North House.

01:13:38.000 That's twice in the number one. 0.99

01:13:39.000 Yeah, it was at like three o'clock in the morning and shit. 0.99

01:13:41.000 Was it the commercial with the volcano? 0.99

01:13:43.000 CGI guy, right?

01:13:44.000 And it's like, wow, that's so cool.

01:13:45.000 Look at that volcano.

01:13:46.000 It's blowing up.

01:13:47.000 That would look terrible.

01:13:48.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:13:49.000 Well, it was just like, you know, I had to listen to the Anthony Robbins cassettes. 0.99

01:13:54.000 I used to, when I was writing comedy, I would listen to the Anthony Robbins cassettes, get fired up to get motivated because I'm fucking lazy with a lot of shit. 0.99

01:14:02.000 It's hard to get me to move. 0.99

01:14:03.000 So I have to get some sort of a pump-me-up talk.

01:14:06.000 So I was experimenting on a bunch of different ones.

01:14:08.000 So I tried that.

01:14:09.000 I'm like, the Anthony Robbins had some really good quotes, really good stuff.

01:14:12.000 I got some good stuff out of it. 0.88

01:14:13.000 And then I fucked around with Dianetics because it was like three o'clock in the morning. 0.97

01:14:17.000 I didn't know it was Scientology. 0.97

01:14:18.000 I had no idea what it was, you know?

01:14:20.000 I just saw this thing, Dianetics.

01:14:21.000 What is this?

01:14:22.000 So I order it. 1.00

01:14:23.000 And these motherfuckers were relentless. 1.00

01:14:26.000 I mean, I got shit to my mailbox for 10 years later, for 10 years. 1.00

01:14:31.000 They just kept sending me shit. 0.99

01:14:32.000 It was like every week an opportunity to come to some free workshop or there's this or there's that or there's a new offer and come on down and get a free examination, a free psychological exam. 1.00

01:14:42.000 And psychiatry is evil.

01:14:44.000 Did you know that? 1.00

01:14:45.000 It was just like, you know, you fuck up and give someone your MySpace address and then they fucking assault you with emails. 0.99

01:14:50.000 That's what I was like. 0.99

01:14:51.000 Sorry, bro.

01:14:53.000 They're unbelievable. 1.00

01:14:55.000 But they say a lot of shit that can help you. 1.00

01:14:57.000 That's what's really nutty about a lot of cults. 0.99

01:14:59.000 It's like you can't just blanket say that they're all bad because yes, they are bad, but sometimes really fucking wacky people just need a path. 0.87

01:15:08.000 They need someone to put a collar on them, hold their hand, and get them going. 0.96

01:15:12.000 And when you do do that and you put them in some sort of a situation like that, they can flourish and be successful and even be fucking happy. 0.99

01:15:18.000 They're lacking the critical thinking skills that makes you go, well, what the fuck, who wrote that? 0.99

01:15:23.000 And then who wrote that? 0.99

01:15:24.000 And that's translated from Hebrew.

01:15:25.000 And how do you translate Hebrew?

01:15:26.000 Because Hebrew is letters and numbers.

01:15:28.000 So you don't even know the numerical value of the words.

01:15:30.000 You know, there's too many thoughts for you. 0.75

01:15:32.000 But for a person that's a knucklehead, they go, okay, I got the religion covered. 0.79

01:15:36.000 It's in a nice little box. 0.97

01:15:37.000 And let's move forward with the car wash business. 0.99

01:15:39.000 You know, whatever the fuck he's got. 0.99

01:15:41.000 You know, sometimes like a good, solid cult can actually help you. 0.99

01:15:46.000 Well, you can, here's the, here's, just die for advice if you're looking for sort of spiritual enlightenment.

01:15:51.000 If you're thinking about this, this is the simple thing.

01:15:53.000 I'm an atheist, but if you want to believe in God, just join a religion that has a sense of humor.

01:15:58.000 That is the single key.

01:15:59.000 If your religion that you're thinking of joining doesn't have any jokes about itself, can't laugh about it. 0.98

01:16:03.000 I think they all have a sense of humor because I'm not sure what's going on.

01:16:09.000 I went on belief.net and tried to find it.

01:16:11.000 I used to chat with them all the time trying to, do you have any jokes?

01:16:14.000 So you don't think during their sermons or whatever they're called, their meetings, you don't think they have like a sense of joking humor on?

01:16:20.000 I don't think so, man.

01:16:21.000 I don't know.

01:16:22.000 First of all, I don't know how they structure the whole thing, but I know that it's very secretive and they keep information from everybody except the highest levels.

01:16:29.000 And it takes a long time to get to the highest levels.

01:16:31.000 And once you get there, you have to spend a fuckload of money.

01:16:34.000 So a lot of times people get invested in it because they look, I'm not a loser. 0.98

01:16:38.000 I haven't given these people half a million dollars over the course of 25 years because I'm a loser.

01:16:42.000 Okay, I'm a winner.

01:16:43.000 This is real.

01:16:44.000 Okay, Tom Cruise is at my house. 0.99

01:16:45.000 We're going to fucking do this. 0.99

01:16:46.000 And I'm going to become clear. 0.99

01:16:48.000 And then they teach him about thetans and aliens and all that.

01:16:51.000 There's a guy who lived down the street from me.

01:16:53.000 He and his family were Scientologists.

01:16:55.000 And he was talking to me about buying this property.

01:16:56.000 And he's like, yeah, we were thinking about buying it.

01:16:58.000 But, you know, right now, Deb is about to go clear.

01:17:01.000 And that's going to cost us $50,000.

01:17:03.000 And I go, what are you talking about?

01:17:05.000 What's clear? 0.98

01:17:06.000 I fucking did not know what he was saying. 0.99

01:17:09.000 And he goes, well, yeah, what clear is, you know, we're Scientologists. 1.00

01:17:13.000 And I just thought, fuck, they got him for $50,000 right here. 1.00

01:17:16.000 They're getting him for $50,000 for a fucking voodoo ceremony. 1.00

01:17:19.000 That's probably the tip of the iceberg of what they got him for before to get to that point. 1.00

01:17:23.000 They make gay sex and then $50,000. 0.99

01:17:25.000 It's a money-making organization. 1.00

01:17:27.000 I mean, they make tons of cash.

01:17:29.000 That's why they had to get the IRS to declare them a religion.

01:17:31.000 They sued them into relentless.

01:17:33.000 They never actually came out and said they're religion.

01:17:35.000 They said we're done prosecuting because they filed so many lawsuits that the IRS said this would cost us more to fight these than it would to settle it out and just call them a religion.

01:17:42.000 They're so trippy.

01:17:44.000 How much money would you have to make to be able to even afford to be a Scientologist?

01:17:47.000 Well, there's two ways.

01:17:48.000 If you can't afford it, then you got to work for them.

01:17:50.000 And you sign a billion-year commitment to work for them.

01:17:53.000 Billion?

01:17:54.000 Yeah, billion-year.

01:17:54.000 BI.

01:17:55.000 B.I. For real?

01:17:56.000 Yeah, yeah, because you're spiritual.

01:17:58.000 One billion dollars. 0.96

01:18:01.000 That just lets you know you're hanging out with retards. 1.00

01:18:04.000 Yeah. 0.94

01:18:04.000 Let's bet a billion dollars. 0.94

01:18:05.000 Bro, you don't have a billion dollars.

01:18:06.000 Were you scared to bet? 1.00

01:18:08.000 No, you're fucking retarded, man. 1.00

01:18:10.000 This is a stupid conversation. 1.00

01:18:12.000 You're fucking a billion years just in case artificial life is created. 1.00

01:18:17.000 So you will owe a billion years of transferring your body into new machines. 0.99

01:18:22.000 Just read the classics. 1.00

01:18:23.000 Don't fucking go to religion. 0.99

01:18:24.000 Read Thomas Aquinas. 1.00

01:18:26.000 Read Aristotle.

01:18:28.000 Well, I think religion is absolutely fascinating.

01:18:30.000 I think it's very interesting, and I think it may very well be.

01:18:35.000 Look, I got this weird way of looking at things.

01:18:37.000 And one of the ways I look at things is that everything is natural.

01:18:40.000 And that just like animal behavior is very bizarre and complex, but natural, alpha and beta wolf behavior and things that they've done forever, then they have this sort of coordinated, and it's very strange.

01:18:51.000 I think human beings are so much more complex.

01:18:55.000 And with language, there's so many more variables.

01:18:58.000 But I have a feeling that the way people behave is just as natural as those bees making beehives and just as natural as wolves that are kicking the betas out.

01:19:06.000 I think we have a whole bunch of components in place that are very obviously moving society into a certain direction.

01:19:15.000 And I think your enlightenment and your ideas about the future are all really a part of it.

01:19:22.000 It's all to try to trans, I mean, these open ideas and reality and clear-headedness and love tries to move it into the best possible scenario when it gets there.

01:19:32.000 But where it's going is it's pretty clear that everything we do is sort of designed to move things forward in that direction.

01:19:40.000 It's very, very strange.

01:19:41.000 There's a subcomponent of our society that feels like it's devolving, though.

01:19:45.000 Yeah, but you know what?

01:19:46.000 I think that that tests it.

01:19:49.000 I think you need yin to have yang.

01:19:51.000 I think you need suppression to have art sometimes.

01:19:53.000 I think you need to have resistance.

01:19:55.000 I think it's a very tricky thing.

01:19:58.000 That's very true.

01:19:59.000 It's hard to look at it all together like it's one big organism that's all moving and every single emotion and every single car accident is all inexorably entwined into one big mathematical algorithm that's way too big for us to really comprehend.

01:20:14.000 But that might be what it's all about.

01:20:16.000 I mean, the idea of free will, I mean, has been disputed many, many times.

01:20:19.000 You know, the idea of that, is it really free will when you're dealing with you being influenced by a dozen different fucking hormones and neurotransmitters and emotions and all these different things that are flying around in the air and you might be drunk and like, how much of that is free will?

01:20:32.000 Exactly?

01:20:33.000 It's not 100% free will.

01:20:35.000 If there was 100% free will, you would have rational decisions made every time.

01:20:38.000 What makes an impulsive gambler?

01:20:41.000 That might all be a program. 1.00

01:20:43.000 It might all be just some fucking thing that's running. 0.99

01:20:46.000 Just some giant equation. 1.00

01:20:48.000 You look debaked. 1.00

01:20:50.000 How scary it is to think that stupid people are breeding like crazy. 1.00

01:20:56.000 So eventually, if things just happen naturally and progress like the world's going to make them, then intellectual people are going to just be wiped off the planet soon. 1.00

01:21:05.000 Yeah.

01:21:06.000 Do you think?

01:21:07.000 No, I think it's a battle.

01:21:09.000 Intellectual people stop creating babies, really.

01:21:11.000 There's a lot of retards today, but there's a lot more smart people, too. 1.00

01:21:14.000 I think there's more smart people now.

01:21:16.000 I don't want to say smart as in like they're going to fix the world, but more aware folks.

01:21:20.000 More folks that are thinking and aware and honest than ever before.

01:21:24.000 I think by a long shot, I don't think we've realized it.

01:21:27.000 I think it is, that's the big dam that's going to break.

01:21:30.000 There's a lot of in-tune people out there. 0.98

01:21:32.000 There's a lot of dumbasses, but there's way more in-tune people than I'm when I was 21. 0.98

01:21:36.000 When I was 21, I didn't know anything about anything. 0.99

01:21:39.000 How much more tolerant are we, too?

01:21:40.000 Way more.

01:21:41.000 I love that about society.

01:21:41.000 I love that.

01:21:42.000 It's like when I run into 19, 20 year olds now, I remember there's a gay kid in my high school. 0.97

01:21:47.000 He went through hell. 0.98

01:21:48.000 He just went through hell.

01:21:49.000 Now, they're out everywhere.

01:21:51.000 There's none of that hatred anymore.

01:21:53.000 Different races and stuff like that.

01:21:54.000 Intermixing.

01:21:54.000 It's really pretty awesome compared to how it used to be.

01:21:57.000 It's evolving.

01:21:58.000 And that story doesn't get told half as much as the negative side ever.

01:22:01.000 And that's really fast.

01:22:02.000 That was in the last, what, 15 years?

01:22:04.000 Yeah.

01:22:04.000 Oh, and it's like pubic hair disappearing.

01:22:05.000 It's like in that same frame of mind.

01:22:07.000 Maybe pubic hair and our racism are tied to each other because the less pubic hair there is out there, the less racism.

01:22:14.000 Do you think there's less pubic hair now than ever before? 1.00

01:22:16.000 Oh, fuck. 0.99

01:22:16.000 I've not found pubic hair on it. 0.99

01:22:18.000 Because people are shaving it.

01:22:19.000 Yeah, it's all good.

01:22:19.000 Right, but it's still there.

01:22:20.000 You're not tricking it.

01:22:21.000 Yeah, but like.

01:22:22.000 Wait a second.

01:22:23.000 Have you been searching?

01:22:24.000 Have you been checking pubic hair lately?

01:22:25.000 It's part of my long quest.

01:22:27.000 But nobody has anything.

01:22:27.000 Yeah.

01:22:30.000 It's so easy now.

01:22:32.000 Back then it's called pubic hair.

01:22:33.000 It's a lot harder to get rid of pubic hair. 0.83

01:22:35.000 I mean, the girl I recently dated, she had crazy bush. 1.00

01:22:35.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:22:39.000 Yeah, the last bushes. 1.00

01:22:39.000 Really? 1.00

01:22:40.000 But she was conscious of it trying to be different now.

01:22:42.000 It's trendy now.

01:22:43.000 No, it's trendy now.

01:22:44.000 Bush is probably.

01:22:45.000 It's a horrendous visual.

01:22:46.000 Of what? 0.94

01:22:47.000 Brian with this dirty bush in his face. 0.99

01:22:49.000 Bushes is our back. 0.97

01:22:51.000 I like the bush.

01:22:51.000 You know what I like?

01:22:52.000 The phaltoid breath.

01:22:53.000 I like the smell of like apples because he's trying to trick cops all the way home.

01:22:57.000 Yeah.

01:22:59.000 I just like imagining that I'm a bird going into a nest.

01:23:01.000 Oh, that's sweet.

01:23:02.000 Is that what you do?

01:23:03.000 Yeah, it's like one little tiny egg.

01:23:05.000 Trying to find that.

01:23:05.000 Not even an egg.

01:23:06.000 It's a hatchling. 0.95

01:23:08.000 Just want to lick it clean.

01:23:11.000 Also, it's easier to spit back the juice on them when there's hair.

01:23:15.000 Because when there's no hair, it just goes everywhere and there's puddles in her belly button and stuff. 1.00

01:23:19.000 Yeah, so with the hair, it kind of absorbs some of like that.

01:23:21.000 No, I'm not going to swallow this.

01:23:23.000 Why do girls want you to swallow? 1.00

01:23:26.000 Like when you're eating.

01:23:26.000 Swallow what?

01:23:27.000 What the fuck is coming out of it? 0.99

01:23:29.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:23:30.000 You're fucking a guy, dude. 1.00

01:23:33.000 Let me ask you this. 1.00

01:23:34.000 How big is this girl's dick? 1.00

01:23:36.000 What the fuck are you saying? 1.00

01:23:37.000 Do you gag a lot when you swallow? 1.00

01:23:39.000 No, I just spit it back out in the push.

01:23:41.000 Do you just swallow?

01:23:42.000 No, like they're juices.

01:23:43.000 You know what I mean?

01:23:44.000 No, they're juicy. 0.96

01:23:45.000 You know, like when their breasts feel like sandbags? 1.00

01:23:47.000 You know, they're juices.

01:23:48.000 You know, when they have those strong hands that sichu. 1.00

01:23:52.000 Secretions from the pussy mixed with your slobber. 1.00

01:23:55.000 It's just like a whole basket of juice. 1.00

01:23:57.000 Right.

01:23:58.000 You must be really good at it then.

01:24:00.000 I'm really good at it.

01:24:02.000 I can tell.

01:24:02.000 There's video that's not.

01:24:04.000 It's a good thing.

01:24:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:06.000 Well, because if the girl's getting that wet, then you must be fucking. 1.00

01:24:10.000 Well, first of all, he's just throwing up in them constantly. 0.99

01:24:13.000 It's one of the reasons why it's so cool.

01:24:17.000 Every five minutes he sticks a finger in her and then right in his mouth.

01:24:22.000 That's part of his thing. 0.99

01:24:23.000 He drinks a fuckload of tang before he does it. 0.97

01:24:26.000 So even though it's puke, it smells cool. 0.54

01:24:28.000 It smells like a spaceship.

01:24:29.000 It's coconut wine.

01:24:31.000 Sounds like they're on the moon.

01:24:32.000 He just throws up tang and fingers them.

01:24:37.000 I'm like, why would you swallow it?

01:24:38.000 Why is it so chunky?

01:24:39.000 Why are you throwing it? 1.00

01:24:41.000 And you can say, I tried swallowing your pussy juices. 1.00

01:24:44.000 That's my pussy juices. 1.00

01:24:46.000 That's much more. 1.00

01:24:47.000 I swallow a lot of it already.

01:24:49.000 Look at that.

01:24:50.000 Bright orange.

01:24:52.000 Oh, it is like coconut water.

01:24:53.000 You're right.

01:24:54.000 It is coconut water.

01:24:55.000 Beards are not good for it.

01:24:57.000 No, that's what another good thing about hair, though, when there's two hairs, then it matches like Velcro.

01:25:03.000 And it locks you on.

01:25:05.000 It doesn't scratch them because they have a protection of hair.

01:25:08.000 See, it's like an eyelash for an eye.

01:25:10.000 It's supposed to collect dirt and come and spit. 1.00

01:25:13.000 I'd like the way you think.

01:25:14.000 I'd like the way you think. 1.00

01:25:15.000 You're fairly dirty. 1.00

01:25:16.000 Fucking bushes are back, 2011. 1.00

01:25:18.000 Did you guys see that lady blow a fuse when she was reporting with the Emmys? 1.00

01:25:24.000 Did you see that shit? 1.00

01:25:26.000 The lady who was like, that was weird. 1.00

01:25:29.000 Dude, what's going on at CBS?

01:25:31.000 First, Charlie Sheen. 0.94

01:25:32.000 And this chick gets raped in Egypt, and then the other girls are in the city. 0.98

01:25:34.000 That was very fox-like. 0.98

01:25:36.000 I read that this morning. 0.98

01:25:37.000 I didn't know here that she got raped. 1.00

01:25:38.000 That CBS shit was very fox-like. 1.00

01:25:40.000 Like on Fox, that's acceptable because it's like you're getting paid $10 an hour or whatever those reporters are probably getting. 1.00

01:25:46.000 But the CBS is legit.

01:25:49.000 I think there's a legit neurological issue.

01:25:52.000 I don't think it's a matter of her just getting her tongue tied. 1.00

01:25:54.000 It was like a disconnect between the mouth and the sound coming out of her mouth and her brain.

01:25:58.000 You think she was stoned?

01:25:59.000 What is this?

01:26:00.000 No, I think she either had a panic attack.

01:26:01.000 Oh, you got to play it.

01:26:02.000 Play it.

01:26:03.000 She either had a panic attack or she had, like, there was a lot of people that thought she had a stroke, but apparently they checked her.

01:26:03.000 Find it.

01:26:09.000 Oh, I did read about this.

01:26:10.000 Yeah, somebody said they denied that she had a stroke on air.

01:26:13.000 Yeah.

01:26:13.000 And she's feeling fine this morning.

01:26:14.000 Yeah, but then there's other people that say it might be like some form of epilepsy or it might be like, who the fuck knows what it is? 0.96

01:26:20.000 But it was one of the oddest things ever. 0.95

01:26:23.000 Here it goes.

01:26:23.000 Listen to it.

01:26:25.000 Here we go.

01:26:27.000 A lot of new details this morning about that Los Angeles television reporter who suddenly began slurring her speech and speaking gibberish in her report on the Grammys.

01:26:36.000 The video of Serena quickly went viral.

01:26:39.000 He has a lot more on this medical dude.

01:26:41.000 Find the actual video.

01:26:41.000 Not this.

01:26:43.000 They better not have pulled it, those fucks. 1.00

01:26:45.000 Do you think they pulled it? 1.00

01:26:46.000 No, you're talking about Scientology.

01:26:49.000 The big shocker, winning only two despite 10 nominations.

01:26:49.000 Here it goes.

01:26:53.000 CBS2 Serena Branson is live at the Staples Center with highlights and backstage coverage.

01:26:57.000 We're seeing for the very first time.

01:26:59.000 Sereed.

01:27:00.000 Well, a very, very heavy. 1.00

01:27:03.000 The fuck. 1.00

01:27:03.000 Is that her? 1.00

01:27:04.000 Is that what she did? 1.00

01:27:05.000 Fucking YouTube. 0.99

01:27:06.000 Yeah, she just stopped and congressed. 1.00

01:27:08.000 She just stopped and a very, very heavy divertation tonight.

01:27:13.000 We had a very Darison bite.

01:27:16.000 Let's go ahead and taste English for the head of the pet.

01:27:19.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:27:21.000 She did Nitris.

01:27:22.000 You know what it is?

01:27:23.000 She did Nitrous or Salvia right before she took. 1.00

01:27:26.000 She's an alien, and she fucked up, and she didn't get her decoder right. 1.00

01:27:30.000 She's an alien, and that's what their real language is. 1.00

01:27:32.000 She thought she was speaking human, and she fucked up, and that was Klingon. 0.99

01:27:35.000 That was really weird. 0.99

01:27:36.000 That was really weird.

01:27:38.000 That did seem like a little mini stroke or some brain injury.

01:27:41.000 It seemed to me like she definitely seemed like she knew something was wrong, but at the end, she thought she was saying, go back to you guys.

01:27:47.000 Like, it seemed like that was the indication that she had completed her thing that she was trying to get out.

01:27:53.000 It reminds me of a Twilight Zone episode I saw growing up where the guy just starts noticing little words changing, like, hey, go outside and play with the encyclopedia.

01:28:00.000 What do you mean, dog?

01:28:00.000 What's that?

01:28:02.000 And then it slowly gets worse and worse.

01:28:03.000 It's kind of like that whole same Twilight zone.

01:28:05.000 Not the best story, actually, halfway through, I realize. 1.00

01:28:08.000 Yeah, but still, what the fuck, man? 0.99

01:28:10.000 What's going on with that broad? 0.99

01:28:12.000 I really feel like she's probably, I mean, this is California.

01:28:15.000 I really feel like she got too stoned while she was waiting to go on.

01:28:18.000 And like her boyfriend was there and just hit it, just hit it a couple times.

01:28:22.000 And she just freaked out because she got too stoned. 0.52

01:28:24.000 I don't think there's that many people.

01:28:26.000 The way she was mixing up the word, putting it into different chunks and moving it around.

01:28:26.000 Too fast.

01:28:33.000 That had to be something. 0.97

01:28:35.000 We're like those retards that sit around studying Bigfoot films. 0.98

01:28:39.000 There's no way that could be a monkey suit because the muscles in a human literally don't work like that. 0.94

01:28:45.000 Look at these pyramids on Mars.

01:28:47.000 There's no way.

01:28:48.000 Dude, this is impossible that this structure is there by accident.

01:28:51.000 She could be a snake handler, one of those Christians that speaks in tongues when it's infected with the spirit. 1.00

01:28:56.000 Hey, he might be Pentecost.

01:28:57.000 You ever see Jesus Camp?

01:28:59.000 Oh, what a great documentary that is.

01:28:59.000 Yes.

01:29:02.000 If you haven't seen it, folks, it's a must-see.

01:29:04.000 It's an indoctrination school where they take these kids and they try to turn them into Christian holy warriors.

01:29:10.000 I went to those when I was a kid for Catholicism.

01:29:12.000 Really?

01:29:12.000 Yeah.

01:29:12.000 Oh, I had to go to Bible camp every summer.

01:29:14.000 It was just awful.

01:29:16.000 How long did you have to go for?

01:29:18.000 Until I realized how.

01:29:19.000 I mean, how long were you away from your family for?

01:29:22.000 Like two weeks, three weeks. 1.00

01:29:23.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:29:24.000 Yeah, it was all twisted. 1.00

01:29:25.000 And I got to be honest with you, it was dirty.

01:29:26.000 I used to hook up with the girls in those camps all the time. 1.00

01:29:29.000 Well, I was a little kid.

01:29:30.000 Do you have to carry a cross?

01:29:31.000 No, it's not penance Jesus.

01:29:35.000 You have to carry a cross.

01:29:36.000 It's not Filipino one. 1.00

01:29:37.000 Not everybody gets to be Jesus.

01:29:39.000 She was raised with no religion.

01:29:40.000 She got to share religion.

01:29:41.000 Everyone gets to be Jesus.

01:29:43.000 It's funny because I was raised so religious and she was raised less none.

01:29:46.000 Like she doesn't know the Bible stories or anything.

01:29:48.000 So I take it for granted that everybody knows it.

01:29:50.000 And then she always reminds me, I don't know about this Jesus.

01:29:52.000 There's a lot of them that I don't know.

01:29:53.000 I mean, I've read enough to go, all right, stop. 1.00

01:29:56.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:29:57.000 You know, I've read more about the origins of the Bible than I've read the Bible. 1.00

01:30:01.000 The most fascinating thing that I've read is that the original Bible was written in ancient Hebrew, besides the Dead Sea Scrolls, which is in Aramaic, and that's an interesting one because it's actually written on animal skins.

01:30:11.000 And one of the ways they put together the Dead Sea Scrolls was they had to do the DNA of the animal so that they could figure out which animal pieces were connected to which animal pieces.

01:30:21.000 Like it's painstaking work trying to piece it all together.

01:30:24.000 But here's what's crazy.

01:30:25.000 To this day, they don't know all the words in ancient Hebrew.

01:30:28.000 No, it's something like this.

01:30:30.000 They only know like three quarters or maybe a little bit more.

01:30:32.000 And some of the important ones that are incredibly short that they know a little about because they have the least amount of information.

01:30:37.000 So you get these two-letter words that could mean a preposition, it could be a longer sort of shortening of a...

01:30:44.000 Letters and numbers are the same thing.

01:30:46.000 There was no numbers.

01:30:48.000 So the letter A was also the number one.

01:30:50.000 Well, I love the Bible too, how people take it literally who are English.

01:30:54.000 You know, like the southern fundamentals.

01:30:56.000 Wow, Jesus said, well, actually, no, this has been translated like 30 times to English, you know?

01:31:01.000 Eaten into the ground.

01:31:02.000 The one you're reading is the nonsense one written by Constantine and a bunch of bishops. 1.00

01:31:07.000 you ain't even reading the fucking fire and brimstone. 0.99

01:31:09.000 The original one is Peter, do you really love me? 0.99

01:31:11.000 three times, and it comes out three times as love you in English.

01:31:15.000 But in even like the four translations back in Greek, he's asking him three different ways: Do you love me as a father, as a protector, and as a lover? 0.72

01:31:22.000 It's just so silly.

01:31:23.000 Like, this is what people need to realize. 0.97

01:31:25.000 No matter how much people knew at one point in time, even if people, you know, really had figured out some incredible way of moving stone that we can't replicate today, and that's how they were able to build the pyramids, we are still the smartest motherfuckers that have ever been on the face of the planet by far, the most aware, the most informed, right fucking now for sure. 0.99

01:31:45.000 And if there's no magic dude talking to us now, okay, there was no magic dude back then, and people are full of shit, and that story sucks. 0.99

01:31:52.000 It sucks, and it's old. 1.00

01:31:53.000 And just because it's old, you don't have to fucking keep listening. 1.00

01:31:56.000 You know, and take it as a historical idea. 0.90

01:31:59.000 Take, you know, the stories as, you know, like ancient fables and interesting ideas.

01:32:04.000 It doesn't mean there's no God.

01:32:05.000 It doesn't mean that anybody has any answers. 1.00

01:32:08.000 But it means you can't believe old dumb shit. 1.00

01:32:10.000 It's just, it ruins the whole conversation. 1.00

01:32:12.000 And you can't believe old dumb shit to the point where it makes you want to kill or hurt anybody else. 1.00

01:32:16.000 It's like you don't, you're mad because other people don't believe old dumb shit. 1.00

01:32:20.000 So the way that you're going to reinforce this old dumb shit is going to rampage and kill a bunch of people. 1.00

01:32:25.000 You're going to get a book that if you only know one fourth of it, too. 1.00

01:32:27.000 How much can a book believe?

01:32:29.000 Three fourths.

01:32:29.000 Or if you only know three fourths.

01:32:31.000 So if you're missing one fourth of a book, would you ever really believe that book?

01:32:35.000 It's probably even more than that.

01:32:37.000 Imagine it's translated to Latin and then to Greek.

01:32:39.000 And, you know, I mean, losing it in the translation, like, ancient Hebrew is so much different than those languages.

01:32:45.000 I don't know. 0.85

01:32:45.000 I imagine like if Mysim Minifi or he didn't shoot, you know, turn around and shoot him. 0.85

01:32:49.000 You know, that's like one fourth of that book.

01:32:51.000 That changes the whole book.

01:32:52.000 You know, it might be at the end.

01:32:53.000 It was like, just kidding, Jesus is faith.

01:32:55.000 Psych, we're on mushrooms.

01:32:56.000 That could have been a lovely end.

01:32:58.000 That's the real end of the Bible. 0.87

01:33:00.000 Psych, we was on mushrooms.

01:33:01.000 Those are the words they can't translate.

01:33:03.000 Just kidding.

01:33:04.000 All the way through.

01:33:05.000 I'm using that as a bit now.

01:33:06.000 Psych, we were on mushrooms.

01:33:08.000 Now, folks, you're going to know where this bit was created.

01:33:10.000 Dying, man.

01:33:11.000 Somebody tweet me this because I'm going to forget it.

01:33:13.000 Do you think there was sarcasm back when the Bible was?

01:33:15.000 Yeah, we might be dying. 0.98

01:33:16.000 They were grunting fucks back then. 1.00

01:33:21.000 Grunting fucks that lived to be 30, and they smelled like shit, and they shot loads into each other, and they hoped they stuck. 1.00

01:33:26.000 Oh, yeah, the meat will inherit the earth. 1.00

01:33:28.000 Yeah, they were dying like flies, those fucks. 1.00

01:33:30.000 And then every now and then, a bunch of men would get together in a bunch of boy fucking hordes, and they would take over entire countries. 1.00

01:33:37.000 They would roam the earth and fucking chop people up with swords. 0.99

01:33:41.000 I think it can be done, man. 0.99

01:33:42.000 It's like whenever they have like a black beauty, there's always like a rip-off. 1.00

01:33:46.000 Boy fucking hordes. 1.00

01:33:48.000 That's the title. 0.99

01:33:49.000 It's like Deep Impact and then the other one, remember?

01:33:51.000 They were all at the same time.

01:33:52.000 Armageddon.

01:33:53.000 No.

01:33:54.000 They both rocked it with a big one.

01:33:55.000 Which one did you prefer, by the way? 1.00

01:33:56.000 I thought they both sucked. 0.97

01:33:57.000 Have you seen the new one? 0.99

01:33:58.000 Like Quaddle Los Angeles?

01:34:01.000 That looks succorific.

01:34:02.000 Yeah, I hope it's good because I really thought that other one where it was in Los Angeles with 2012? 0.97

01:34:09.000 I thought that looked good, but then I heard everyone tell me it sucks.

01:34:11.000 That was an awesome trailer. 0.62

01:34:13.000 That's what that movie was.

01:34:14.000 And Darren Aronofsky's directing it, so it should be good.

01:34:16.000 Cool.

01:34:16.000 Yeah.

01:34:18.000 Is he laughing?

01:34:19.000 I don't know who Darren Aronovsky.

01:34:21.000 He did Black Swan.

01:34:22.000 Oh, I heard that was really bizarre.

01:34:23.000 Yeah, no, he was.

01:34:24.000 Requiem for a dream was a trippy movie. 1.00

01:34:26.000 I'm going to put it in her ass. 1.00

01:34:27.000 You know what I was thinking? 1.00

01:34:28.000 Didn't make me happy when I walked out of the theater.

01:34:30.000 No.

01:34:30.000 I don't think I enjoyed my experience.

01:34:31.000 I felt very dirty after that film, and I did not want to get high.

01:34:35.000 You know what you guys, when you guys were talking about the government earlier for that long time, you know what I was thinking?

01:34:40.000 You guys know Goober grape, the peanut butter that's like peanut butter mixed with all right. 1.00

01:34:40.000 This is so stupid. 1.00

01:34:45.000 Grape is, you know, the grape is in it. 1.00

01:34:47.000 Goober's are usually yellow.

01:34:48.000 So that's actually saying that, yeah, the peanut butter is supposed to be a goober.

01:34:53.000 And they actually sold this at a grocery store.

01:34:55.000 And that's pretty disgusting. 0.89

01:34:56.000 It's a guoberty. 0.98

01:34:58.000 And government.

01:34:59.000 You're talking about snot?

01:35:00.000 Is goober a snot?

01:35:01.000 And us talking about the government made me think of that. 1.00

01:35:03.000 What the fuck is wrong with you, kid? 1.00

01:35:06.000 You have brain damage, son. 1.00

01:35:07.000 But that's a stroke on TV.

01:35:08.000 No, I was just thinking about it. 1.00

01:35:09.000 You just had a stroke on the radio, dumbass. 1.00

01:35:12.000 That's just crazy. 1.00

01:35:14.000 It's those Crocs fucking plastics leaking into your toes. 1.00

01:35:17.000 No. 1.00

01:35:18.000 No, Goobers are usually like, I'm honking a goober on you. 1.00

01:35:18.000 He is wearing something. 1.00

01:35:22.000 But is that what it means? 0.81

01:35:23.000 I thought I always meant a goofy dude.

01:35:25.000 So what does goober notorial mean?

01:35:27.000 I don't know, man. 0.98

01:35:28.000 It's always like, who is this fucking goober? 0.99

01:35:30.000 That's like a goofy dude. 1.00

01:35:31.000 Like Goober from The Witch Mill, Andy Griffith show. 0.79

01:35:34.000 Yeah, but is that named after spitting?

01:35:36.000 Is that Goober?

01:35:36.000 Or who's Goober from?

01:35:37.000 The Dukes of Hazard.

01:35:38.000 I thought it was Lugie.

01:35:39.000 That's working.

01:35:39.000 The Dukes of Hazard's Cooter.

01:35:41.000 Cooter. 0.99

01:35:43.000 The dude's named Pussy. 1.00

01:35:45.000 You can't call someone Pussy. 1.00

01:35:46.000 Pussy too. 1.00

01:35:47.000 Big Pussy. 1.00

01:35:47.000 You can do it on HBO. 1.00

01:35:48.000 But you can't call a guy Cooter today.

01:35:50.000 Oh, you don't have that. 1.00

01:35:51.000 Favorite euphonism for pussy that British use? 1.00

01:35:53.000 Tell me this isn't gross. 1.00

01:35:55.000 Fanny, how about that?

01:35:56.000 How wrong is that?

01:35:56.000 I know.

01:35:57.000 That's your fucking nasty creeps. 1.00

01:35:59.000 This is what they call it in Northern England, clunge. 1.00

01:36:02.000 I know.

01:36:03.000 It sounds like a mollusk. 0.52

01:36:03.000 Doesn't that? 0.52

01:36:05.000 Fucking clunge. 1.00

01:36:06.000 Somebody's getting hurt. 1.00

01:36:07.000 Jesus Christ.

01:36:07.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:36:08.000 What a terrible name.

01:36:10.000 Put it in me, clunge.

01:36:14.000 Bet. 0.94

01:36:16.000 As soon as you come, you throw up in her hair. 0.51

01:36:16.000 Right? 0.51

01:36:18.000 Just what the fuck have I done? 1.00

01:36:21.000 Just terrified that you've planted a demon seed in her fucking snatch. 1.00

01:36:24.000 Hearing sex talk on a British accent. 1.00

01:36:27.000 Especially when they're older. 1.00

01:36:29.000 They smell like cigarettes.

01:36:30.000 Oh, yeah, drunk.

01:36:31.000 They love to party.

01:36:33.000 Yeah, it's a fun place to be.

01:36:34.000 It's one of the reasons why it's so fun. 1.00

01:36:36.000 The English people fucking throw down. 1.00

01:36:37.000 Do you go over to party? 1.00

01:36:38.000 When he goes over, do you ever go over to England?

01:36:40.000 No.

01:36:41.000 Why not?

01:36:42.000 I don't know.

01:36:43.000 Because I, well, you know, I only get two tickets, so it's usually I bring Eddie Bravo because he goes with me because he works for the UFC too.

01:36:50.000 And then, you know, the other thing is, like, it's not that easy to just get over there.

01:36:53.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99

01:36:54.000 The permits are a bitch now, too. 1.00

01:36:56.000 Especially if you have permits. 0.98

01:36:57.000 Yeah.

01:36:58.000 Well, if you're working there.

01:36:59.000 I want to go to Canada, though.

01:37:00.000 I miss Canada.

01:37:01.000 Why don't you guys come up and do a tour up there?

01:37:01.000 Come back up.

01:37:03.000 Well, maybe you come when we go to Toronto. 0.98

01:37:05.000 Toronto's going to be fun as shit. 0.94

01:37:07.000 Oh, the tickets for Macy Hall, I don't know what the date is, but they're already half sold out. 0.97

01:37:13.000 The pre-sale went on yesterday, April 29th, I think it is.

01:37:18.000 Dude, that watch is badass.

01:37:19.000 Where's Macy Hall? 0.54

01:37:20.000 It's in Toronto.

01:37:22.000 Oh, is it called Macy Hall or is it called Macy Hall?

01:37:25.000 Mass Hall-MASSE Hall.

01:37:26.000 You got to pronounce it Massey Hall. 0.99

01:37:28.000 I'm going to call it whatever the fuck I want. 1.00

01:37:30.000 That sounds a stupid name. 1.00

01:37:31.000 What if everybody shows up ambiguous to the 100 Massey Hall in fucking Niagara Falls thinking Joe Rogan's supposed to be here? 1.00

01:37:39.000 I don't think they'll get that wrong. 0.97

01:37:41.000 What's that watch you're wearing?

01:37:42.000 That's Henderson Silva's watch.

01:37:43.000 That's badass.

01:37:44.000 That's like crazy expensive.

01:37:46.000 I don't know.

01:37:46.000 Ed Soars, his manager, gave me it.

01:37:49.000 That's pretty dope. 0.99

01:37:49.000 Yeah, that's fucking protective. 0.99

01:37:53.000 So tickets will go on sale for that, for everybody else on Friday. 0.97

01:37:56.000 And then this weekend is the Brea Improv with Joey and Ari.

01:37:59.000 Pete Johansson, what do you got going on, man?

01:38:01.000 I got nothing to do this weekend.

01:38:03.000 No, I canceled my one gig because I was thinking of going to Vegas with my wife because she's never been there.

01:38:03.000 Nothing?

01:38:08.000 Oh, so never been to Vegas?

01:38:10.000 No.

01:38:10.000 This is your first time here.

01:38:11.000 You don't know about Jesus and you've never been to hell.

01:38:13.000 This is my first time here.

01:38:14.000 Yeah, I'm totally taken to Vegas.

01:38:16.000 This is your first time in America, totally.

01:38:17.000 No, I've been to Seattle.

01:38:19.000 Oh, okay.

01:38:20.000 You got to go to Vegas.

01:38:21.000 I mean, it's only like a four-hour drive, three and a half-hour drive from here.

01:38:24.000 You could drive there.

01:38:25.000 I was thinking of doing getting like a suite of the palms and stuff and just sort of like spend like two days.

01:38:29.000 Just jump on like hotels.com.

01:38:31.000 You can get like $39 a night room.

01:38:34.000 Vegas is dead.

01:38:35.000 Got a friend who owns the place.

01:38:36.000 Oh, okay.

01:38:39.000 Vegas is so dead and like deserted that there's so many cheap hotels. 0.98

01:38:43.000 It's retarded. 1.00

01:38:44.000 We'll just spend two days of you dipping into my clunge. 0.91

01:38:47.000 No.

01:38:48.000 Oh, no.

01:38:53.000 But as of next week, if you're British and you're listening to this, I'm at the comedia in Brighton, and then I'm at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, then I'm in Vancouver taping the debaters, then off to the New Zealand International Comedy Festival.

01:39:06.000 What is the Debaters?

01:39:07.000 It's a TV show.

01:39:09.000 I'm doing two episodes of it shot in Canada where we debate topics on television.

01:39:14.000 It's like socialism?

01:39:16.000 Let me tell you this.

01:39:17.000 Speaking of socialism, what do you think about this Guy Richie thing?

01:39:20.000 You know what's going on with Guy Richie? 0.98

01:39:21.000 They fucking moved into his house? 1.00

01:39:23.000 The squatting raws in England are ridiculous. 1.00

01:39:26.000 The cops can't do anything because the only way they can arrest them is if they break the door. 0.91

01:39:31.000 But if they leave even so much as a window on the top floor open and they crawl in through it, it's a legal entry.

01:39:37.000 So if they have legal entry.

01:39:38.000 You can't get them out of your house.

01:39:39.000 So how does someone, what if someone, what if you like, you're at home and someone comes into your house and decides to stay?

01:39:45.000 Can they do that?

01:39:46.000 Well, if you're proprietary, if you're actually living in there, you can prove that you're proprietary living in there, then they're trespassing in your thing.

01:39:52.000 But if you can't prove that he wasn't living in that house, they were vacant.

01:39:55.000 Refurbishing it, right?

01:39:56.000 Because it was vacant, not being stayed in.

01:39:58.000 Wow.

01:39:59.000 The law states. 0.99

01:40:00.000 I would just go in there and start molesting them. 1.00

01:40:01.000 So how does homeboy get out of that?

01:40:03.000 Well, he has to stop them with eviction papers, just like any other tenant, and that can take six months to a year to process.

01:40:11.000 So I just make them uncomfortable.

01:40:13.000 Are they responsible for damage they do to the house during the time it's up to you?

01:40:17.000 Absolutely.

01:40:18.000 They're responsible just like any other tenants would be for any bills and stuff.

01:40:22.000 It's the weirdest law, you know?

01:40:24.000 Like, the only place I like squatting laws is in unsettled territory.

01:40:27.000 If you can prove you built a cabin there and lived it for 15 years, yeah, you should be able to keep it.

01:40:32.000 Other than that, you know, like, come on.

01:40:34.000 At least give a homeboy an acre.

01:40:36.000 Yeah.

01:40:37.000 Yeah.

01:40:37.000 I mean, I just don't understand how they don't have laws set up to protect us.

01:40:41.000 I mean, what the fuck were they doing over there? 0.98

01:40:43.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:40:44.000 That's the most obvious sign of criminal, just criminal incompetency by lawmakers.

01:40:50.000 You haven't fixed this one.

01:40:51.000 Well, what is legal?

01:40:53.000 There's a guy in England that shot a guy who was trying to rape and kill his wife.

01:40:58.000 It didn't shoot him, beat him to death.

01:41:00.000 And he went to jail for it.

01:41:02.000 Oh, no, he didn't.

01:41:03.000 yeah and that's It was excessive force.

01:41:07.000 How would you even know it was excessive if someone's trying to kill your wife?

01:41:10.000 You wouldn't even know what you were doing, man. 1.00

01:41:12.000 You'd go into a blackout fucking red glaze of hate. 0.99

01:41:16.000 You wouldn't even know what you're doing until it's all over. 0.99

01:41:17.000 If they're trying to kill, then excessive wouldn't be killing back, right?

01:41:21.000 You can't legislate.

01:41:22.000 Here's the deal, man. 1.00

01:41:23.000 Once you fucking enter the house, you're just like a rat, man. 1.00

01:41:28.000 You don't deserve to live. 1.00

01:41:30.000 You're entering the house looking to harm someone. 0.98

01:41:32.000 You don't deserve to live.

01:41:33.000 No, I agree with that. 1.00

01:41:34.000 Somebody beat him to death. 0.86

01:41:35.000 Oh, too bad. 0.99

01:41:36.000 Too bad. 1.00

01:41:36.000 I guess he won't be breaking in anybody's houses trying to fucking rape and kill them anymore. 1.00

01:41:41.000 It's not like he's planting flowers that you don't want. 0.99

01:41:43.000 Exactly. 1.00

01:41:44.000 You know, this guy's a cunt. 1.00

01:41:45.000 I'm a liberal and I believe in that. 1.00

01:41:46.000 I don't even believe in the death.

01:41:47.000 And look at that.

01:41:49.000 That's a perfect example of what we were talking about earlier.

01:41:51.000 This idea that there's two separate, totally different schools of thinking.

01:41:54.000 There's not. 0.98

01:41:55.000 You know, most of us, most people that I know think that really fucking horrible people should be removed from the face of the earth for their own good too, man. 0.98

01:42:02.000 I think we should use them for medical experience. 0.98

01:42:04.000 Yes.

01:42:04.000 So I've never agreed with that.

01:42:05.000 Well, I'll take you a step further.

01:42:06.000 I think we'll use them at zoos.

01:42:07.000 Well, we can't do that. 1.00

01:42:08.000 Fuck giving tiger stakes. 1.00

01:42:09.000 And I fucking hate seeing tigers that don't get to kill shit. 1.00

01:42:13.000 But all these drugs that they have to test on animals and stuff like that, that they don't know the effects on humans. 1.00

01:42:18.000 Yeah, fuck yeah. 1.00

01:42:19.000 Test the shit out of them. 1.00

01:42:20.000 Absolutely. 1.00

01:42:20.000 Yeah, fuck you. 1.00

01:42:21.000 That's the one thing where me. 1.00

01:42:21.000 Absolutely. 1.00

01:42:24.000 How about, here's the problems.

01:42:25.000 What if there's a very powerful man, okay?

01:42:28.000 And this very powerful man catches you banging his wife, just for instance, you're not you, but just you. 0.93

01:42:32.000 Yeah, because you know, you know, I know how you roll, dog. 0.93

01:42:35.000 I wouldn't even put it past you, dog.

01:42:37.000 So this powerful man decides to have you arrested on trumped-up charges, makes, forces his wife into, you know, going along with it, or she loses the money. 1.00

01:42:45.000 Yeah, you get fucked for a little bit. 1.00

01:42:46.000 She's a dirty bitch, man. 1.00

01:42:48.000 She sells you down the river. 1.00

01:42:49.000 So you go to jail, and then they accuse you of some horrible crime that you, of course, did not do.

01:42:53.000 And next thing you know, they're doing experiments on you.

01:42:55.000 Because this guy forces you by his influence and all his money.

01:42:58.000 He's a very rich, powerful man.

01:43:00.000 He forces you to become a medical dummy and they start doing experiments on you.

01:43:04.000 That just gave you the craziest for instance forever.

01:43:06.000 So in that case, in this highly unlikely event, I still think, you know, how are you going to answer that?

01:43:16.000 At least nothing good's going to happen with my life anyways at that point. 0.99

01:43:19.000 So at least they can get some good out of testing fucking drugs on me. 0.99

01:43:23.000 Okay. 1.00

01:43:24.000 My life's practically over anyways, you're saying. 1.00

01:43:26.000 So you can't do that and just get you raped, right? 0.99

01:43:28.000 I mean, today. 1.00

01:43:29.000 Today you could just do it and get you raped. 1.00

01:43:31.000 But yeah, why not? 1.00

01:43:32.000 Hear about O.J. Simpson?

01:43:34.000 Did he do something? 0.99

01:43:35.000 He got the fuck out of him in jail. 0.97

01:43:38.000 Oh, yeah. 0.69

01:43:38.000 To that point, he got knocked unconscious and he's been in the hospital for like weeks. 0.69

01:43:42.000 When did he go to jail?

01:43:43.000 I've been waiting for Naked Gun 4 and a half for a while.

01:43:46.000 That's way impossible. 0.99

01:43:49.000 Yeah, he was beat up by a white supremacist, a young muscular white supremacist, because he was running around bragging about all the white chicks he banged. 0.99

01:43:57.000 Of course, this is just the official story. 1.00

01:44:00.000 You know, who the fuck knows? 0.99

01:44:02.000 Is there an on-the-scene, you know, prisoner-slash reporter? 0.99

01:44:06.000 An embedded reporter who's going to give you all the O.J. Simpson dirt? 0.86

01:44:09.000 You know, how the fuck do they know what he really said? 0.99

01:44:11.000 But this guy decided to beat the shit out of him bad. 0.99

01:44:13.000 Like, he thought he killed him. 0.99

01:44:14.000 Wow, really? 1.00

01:44:15.000 Yeah, apparently, OJ Simpson got fucked up. 0.99

01:44:17.000 Well, I would, yeah, that's a tough one, eh? 0.99

01:44:20.000 Black History Month, too.

01:44:21.000 Wow.

01:44:22.000 Is it? 0.97

01:44:23.000 I think black people are done with OJ. 1.00

01:44:24.000 I think they're done with him. 0.71

01:44:26.000 They were there on the first trial.

01:44:27.000 The second trial, not so much.

01:44:29.000 Yeah, I don't see it.

01:44:30.000 They supported him on murder, but when it came to breaking and entering 20 years later, like, that's not good.

01:44:35.000 Man, you mean to put that dude away by then?

01:44:37.000 Get out of here. 1.00

01:44:39.000 I mean, the crazy black people that will only vote for him based on the fact that he's black. 1.00

01:44:42.000 The very people that got him acquitted. 1.00

01:44:45.000 The people that got him acquitted, there was a fucking bunch of people outside the courtroom, and they said, this one's for us. 0.99

01:44:50.000 This one's for us. 0.99

01:44:51.000 And I went, wow.

01:44:52.000 I blame the prosecution.

01:44:54.000 I thought they were absolutely incompetent.

01:44:56.000 Yes. 0.89

01:44:56.000 Oh, of course they were. 0.89

01:44:57.000 They were unprepared.

01:44:58.000 Mark.

01:44:59.000 That's what the prosecutions usually are.

01:45:01.000 And that's really who the people are that are in place. 1.00

01:45:03.000 They never get to this fucking high-profile, fucking Ethlybalian, fucking Kardashian, and these motherfuckers. 1.00

01:45:09.000 Who would have thought that the craziest thing that would have ever spawned out of that is the Kardashian sisters? 1.00

01:45:14.000 I mean, they're a product of the OJ murders. 0.92

01:45:16.000 The reason why the word Kardashian resonated with people, it's not just that she was Paris Hilton's friend. 0.98

01:45:21.000 She was Paris Hilton's friend whose dad helped get off a fucking murderer who was a famous guy. 0.98

01:45:27.000 And what about that cat, Kato? 0.99

01:45:28.000 Was it Kato Kalen?

01:45:29.000 Kato Kalen.

01:45:30.000 He was famous for all.

01:45:31.000 He was doing stand-ups for a while.

01:45:33.000 He just did it the other day.

01:45:34.000 He followed, or I followed him.

01:45:36.000 You do stand-ups?

01:45:37.000 Yeah.

01:45:37.000 I didn't know that.

01:45:38.000 Yeah, he's been doing it for a while now.

01:45:40.000 Congratulations, dude. 0.98

01:45:40.000 That's fucking awesome. 0.98

01:45:42.000 He did it a long time ago, and you had this joke. 0.97

01:45:43.000 Tell me if you think it's funny.

01:45:45.000 What?

01:45:45.000 The joke that you quit doing comedy?

01:45:47.000 Do you think when Bob Hope died, they flew out his body to Iraq to entertain all the dead troops?

01:45:52.000 Oh, Jesus.

01:45:54.000 And he did this the day Bob Hope died.

01:45:56.000 I did that the day Bob Hope died. 1.00

01:45:57.000 You know, fucking audience. 0.99

01:45:59.000 He stopped doing comedy for five years. 1.00

01:46:02.000 That's funny.

01:46:03.000 See, that's a proof positive that time plus, you know, whatever equals comedy.

01:46:08.000 Very.

01:46:08.000 Time plus insight.

01:46:09.000 Is that what it is?

01:46:10.000 You're ahead of yourself.

01:46:11.000 That's all.

01:46:13.000 He was just, he jumped the gun.

01:46:14.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:46:15.000 Well, it's like, you know, I mean, if you said it at the comedy store, I would have got a fucking huge laugh. 0.87

01:46:18.000 Yeah, when you're at Columbus, Ohio, and it was senior night at the funny bone. 0.99

01:46:22.000 Yeah, man, that's the goddamn problem with comedy. 0.99

01:46:24.000 Especially when you're starting out. 0.99

01:46:25.000 The real problem with comedy is that it's just one giant genre.

01:46:29.000 It's like, you know, go to see live music and you'll have like a rapper followed by a country music singer followed by Guns N' Roses, you know?

01:46:36.000 It amazes me the lack of insight some of the people putting together bills get into it.

01:46:40.000 Like, especially in England where they'll have like a guitar player in front and then a high energy guy and then a low energy closer.

01:46:46.000 Like, dude, you can't follow low energy.

01:46:49.000 Yeah, especially somebody who's like, they don't know what their audience wants and they go, well, we'll just give them everything and hopefully they'll like one thing and they'll come back.

01:46:56.000 Not really.

01:46:56.000 It's less insightful than that.

01:46:58.000 All it is is who's got a week open.

01:47:00.000 Stick them there.

01:47:01.000 It's really that simple.

01:47:02.000 And always end on the highest energy.

01:47:04.000 But some people plot it like Tom, Tom Sawyer from Cobbs.

01:47:09.000 He prides himself on putting together good shows and making sure that guys go with certain guys.

01:47:14.000 Can't wait to work back in this country, actually.

01:47:16.000 I'm coming back in September.

01:47:18.000 We're going to move here.

01:47:20.000 So you decided you're going to move to LA?

01:47:21.000 Because when I talked to you a week ago, you were like, we just got here. 0.97

01:47:24.000 Somebody fucking loves it here. 0.94

01:47:26.000 You love it, huh? 0.99

01:47:27.000 Yeah.

01:47:27.000 Really?

01:47:29.000 I've never lived anywhere remotely warm in my life.

01:47:33.000 I mean, this week kind of sucks, but last week was like 80s.

01:47:35.000 Last week was amazing. 0.74

01:47:36.000 We've done Runyon Canyon every day that we've been here. 0.91

01:47:38.000 It's just, it's fucking lovely. 0.98

01:47:40.000 Look at you, Trendy. 1.00

01:47:41.000 Yeah, dude, this is a crazy goddamn town. 1.00

01:47:43.000 There's a lot of cool shit about LA. 1.00

01:47:45.000 There's a lot of douchebags, but that's just the sheer numbers of humanity. 0.99

01:47:49.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:47:49.000 You know, and the grind. 0.96

01:47:50.000 Have we had any douchebags yet? 1.00

01:47:51.000 Really?

01:47:52.000 We have.

01:47:52.000 Oh.

01:47:53.000 You're in the presence of three of them.

01:47:54.000 You know what they should put on top of it?

01:47:56.000 How dare you?

01:47:57.000 How dare you discredit our doucheiness?

01:47:58.000 You know what they should put on top of Runyon Canyon?

01:48:01.000 A food truck.

01:48:02.000 Good mom.

01:48:03.000 We were thinking on the.

01:48:05.000 Yeah.

01:48:05.000 Juicy street tacos.

01:48:07.000 Yeah, because once you're street trucks at the top of the city.

01:48:09.000 You don't need to think twice when you're drunk. 1.00

01:48:10.000 I wonder if getting drunk, like the alcohol, helps kill a lot of fucked up shit from bad food. 1.00

01:48:16.000 Because I don't seem to ever get sick when I eat bad food if I'm hammered. 0.99

01:48:20.000 Isn't that what alcohol was supposed to do?

01:48:21.000 Well, yeah, traveler sickness. 1.00

01:48:24.000 Oh, fuck, when I was in Mumbai this year. 1.00

01:48:26.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:48:26.000 Oh, you had to put it in. 1.00

01:48:27.000 You sound like someone who's trying to brag.

01:48:28.000 You know, I was in Mumbai this year.

01:48:30.000 I saw my yacht.

01:48:32.000 You eat letter management?

01:48:33.000 I was popping bottles with models.

01:48:34.000 That was on fourth box.

01:48:36.000 If Mumbai is bragging, that's pretty awful because that's the worst thing.

01:48:38.000 You could if you wanted to be like super liberal traveler man.

01:48:41.000 I am super liberal traveler. 1.00

01:48:43.000 This is fucking what I do. 0.99

01:48:44.000 I go from world to world and point out that, come on, everybody, just love. 1.00

01:48:48.000 Come on.

01:48:49.000 I loved when George Clooney got malaria.

01:48:52.000 You know, I love George Clooney.

01:48:53.000 I think he's an awesome actor, but it would be really cool if he got eaten by a hippo.

01:48:56.000 You know, if he was over there.

01:48:59.000 I don't want to lose him.

01:49:00.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:49:01.000 I don't want to lose him.

01:49:02.000 I'm making the most.

01:49:03.000 How about with an opportunity for a redo?

01:49:06.000 I would think it would be a crazy news story.

01:49:07.000 He goes over to Africa to try to save the world and gets eaten by a crocodile.

01:49:10.000 I don't like Adrian Brody. 1.00

01:49:12.000 Bitch, you got malaria. 1.00

01:49:13.000 What are you doing over there with malaria? 1.00

01:49:14.000 What?

01:49:14.000 Listen, Adrian Brody is responsible for one of the most unintentionally funny scenes in the movie ever.

01:49:19.000 Splice when he fucked that alien thing that was three months old. 0.96

01:49:22.000 I can't believe he saw it. 0.94

01:49:23.000 Until somebody downloads it accidentally onto my computer without me knowing. 0.99

01:49:26.000 Fucked up, dude. 0.99

01:49:27.000 I'm a sucker for horror movies. 1.00

01:49:29.000 I love horror movies.

01:49:30.000 Sci-fi and horror.

01:49:32.000 I love like I've seen every sci-fi movie there already.

01:49:34.000 Me too, man.

01:49:34.000 I love it.

01:49:35.000 Pretty much.

01:49:35.000 And I just looked at this.

01:49:36.000 I'm like, I'm going to take a chance. 0.99

01:49:37.000 I'm sure it sucks. 0.99

01:49:38.000 I'm going to fucking get baked. 1.00

01:49:39.000 I'm going to go see this sci-fi movie. 0.99

01:49:40.000 Hopefully they'll give me some, you know, mindless entertainment. 1.00

01:49:43.000 It was so fucking completely preposterous and ridiculous. 1.00

01:49:46.000 If you haven't seen it, he makes a baby and it's half alien or half lizard or whatever the fuck it is. 1.00

01:49:50.000 I'm not exactly sure what the plot was. 0.99

01:49:52.000 It was, I was super baked and it was so ridiculous. 0.54

01:49:55.000 The thing grows like instantly into full size and is living in the basement of this building that they all work at. 0.99

01:50:00.000 They have like a little camp set up with a fucking couch and candles. 0.98

01:50:04.000 And meanwhile, it's like a grown woman already and it's like three months old. 0.99

01:50:07.000 So they have to get it out of there. 0.99

01:50:08.000 So they smuggle it out of the building and take it back to his like fucking farm in the woods. 0.99

01:50:12.000 And within like a week, he starts fucking it. 0.99

01:50:15.000 You know? 0.99

01:50:15.000 And you're like, what? 0.99

01:50:16.000 This thing's three months old and it's half alien.

01:50:19.000 It's got like horse legs, like the bottom legs like bend the wrong way.

01:50:22.000 And he's banging it.

01:50:23.000 You're getting a girl. 0.76

01:50:23.000 That's really creepy. 0.76

01:50:25.000 It's one of the most ridiculous movies ever. 0.99

01:50:27.000 You gotta get baked to watch it. 1.00

01:50:29.000 You would fuck an alien if you had the opportunity. 1.00

01:50:29.000 Come on. 1.00

01:50:30.000 Everybody's fucking alive. 0.99

01:50:31.000 Not a three-month-old one, bro. 1.00

01:50:32.000 Not one I was there from the fucking get-through. 1.00

01:50:34.000 It's a fucking outer space. 0.99

01:50:35.000 But no, no, it wasn't an alien. 1.00

01:50:36.000 They created it.

01:50:37.000 They made the fetus. 0.82

01:50:37.000 Well, that's kind of gross. 0.82

01:50:38.000 No, I was looking at it like it's a daughter.

01:50:40.000 It's like a walking fleshlight. 0.99

01:50:42.000 Well, I'm looking at it as like, how are you writing this shit in the script? 1.00

01:50:46.000 This guy's fucking this thing. 1.00

01:50:48.000 But maybe it's like a dog where it ages way faster. 1.00

01:50:50.000 So by the time he was fucking it, it was actually like 20 years old. 0.99

01:50:53.000 Look like a mayfly. 0.99

01:50:54.000 Well, she looked like a woman, but still, she's three months old. 1.00

01:50:57.000 The bitch didn't even know how to speak English yet. 1.00

01:50:59.000 I'd like to. 1.00

01:51:00.000 You're fucking a baby, man. 1.00

01:51:01.000 You're fucking a baby. 1.00

01:51:02.000 Three months old can't start. 1.00

01:51:03.000 She just goes, nobody's ever done a movie about the babies that come about from when the donkeys fuck the girls in Tijuana. 1.00

01:51:10.000 They get donkeys pregnant, bro. 1.00

01:51:12.000 Donkeys can't get girls pregnant. 1.00

01:51:13.000 It's ridiculous. 1.00

01:51:14.000 You know what would be funny is like every single Brad Pitt movie was so realistic that his phone just rang off the hook all day. 0.98

01:51:20.000 And every time he went outside, he got attacked by girls.

01:51:24.000 Like my God, it's Brad Pitt.

01:51:25.000 Do you think that happens? 1.00

01:51:26.000 Brad Pitt's always like fucking... 1.00

01:51:31.000 Do you ever think he's running around having girls chasing him? 1.00

01:51:34.000 Fuck yeah, he is. 1.00

01:51:34.000 I think his reality show would be him telling the kids to put that down. 1.00

01:51:38.000 Don't light that on fire.

01:51:39.000 Where's your mom? 1.00

01:51:40.000 Where's that crazy bitch? 1.00

01:51:41.000 Just fighting scenes. 1.00

01:51:43.000 Brad Pittsburgh yelling at him.

01:51:45.000 Brad Pitt travels by motorcycle in disguise. 1.00

01:51:47.000 He just looks like a fucking ninja on a motorcycle. 0.99

01:51:50.000 Does he want to be an architect? 1.00

01:51:51.000 Isn't that his dream? 0.98

01:51:52.000 His whole thing was about designing buildings and shit like that. 1.00

01:51:55.000 That's the kind of dreams you get when you fuck too much top shelf pussy. 1.00

01:51:58.000 I just wish I was a peasant, a cobbler, a shoemaker. 1.00

01:52:01.000 Kind of what I'm going. 1.00

01:52:02.000 He's just smacking Angelina Jolie off his dick. 1.00

01:52:04.000 Do you think she's the ultimate? 1.00

01:52:04.000 Get out of here. 1.00

01:52:06.000 No, not even by a long shot. 1.00

01:52:07.000 That's a crazy bitch. 1.00

01:52:09.000 She had her blood and Billy Bob's blood. 1.00

01:52:11.000 They would carry him around and vibe.

01:52:12.000 Like kissing her brother. 1.00

01:52:14.000 I love shit like that. 1.00

01:52:15.000 I love shit like that. 1.00

01:52:15.000 Okay. 1.00

01:52:17.000 I think she's the sexiest woman on earth. 1.00

01:52:19.000 Just because she's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:52:19.000 Really? 1.00

01:52:21.000 Thank God you're a girl.

01:52:22.000 Sexy girls are like, I think she's so sexy. 1.00

01:52:24.000 My wife has a pretty good choice and pussy. 1.00

01:52:26.000 No, it just drops. 1.00

01:52:27.000 The idea that she does have something loose, which means when in bed, she would be fucking clean. 0.99

01:52:32.000 Yeah, let her drink blood. 0.99

01:52:34.000 Let her drink the blood. 1.00

01:52:35.000 She's got that toothpick olive butt. 1.00

01:52:37.000 She's too skinny. 1.00

01:52:38.000 I don't know.

01:52:38.000 Does she have?

01:52:39.000 She's very thin.

01:52:40.000 She looks weird.

01:52:41.000 I mean, she's gorgeous.

01:52:42.000 Her face is flawless.

01:52:43.000 She's absolutely outstanding.

01:52:45.000 But crazy.

01:52:46.000 Yeah, she's gorgeous. 1.00

01:52:47.000 But crazy chicks. 1.00

01:52:48.000 Crazy chicks to me are disgusting. 1.00

01:52:50.000 I look at crazy chicks and I just go, might as well be a dude. 1.00

01:52:54.000 That's not even remotely interesting. 0.98

01:52:55.000 It's all because...

01:52:59.000 My take on it has differed radically in my life.

01:53:02.000 It was one important time I was always attracted to crazy chicks and I surrounded myself with crazy chicks because they were the most fun. 1.00

01:53:08.000 And then one of them killed one of my friends. 0.97

01:53:10.000 Yeah, murder-suicide.

01:53:12.000 And so that was it for me. 0.99

01:53:14.000 I was like, all right, fucking, no, I want nice. 1.00

01:53:17.000 Like, this is a stupid fucking addiction. 1.00

01:53:19.000 I know who you're talking about. 1.00

01:53:20.000 She was crazy as a shithead. 1.00

01:53:21.000 Crazy and pilled out. 1.00

01:53:23.000 Cocoa.

01:53:23.000 Pilled out.

01:53:24.000 That's different, though.

01:53:25.000 Pilled out is different.

01:53:26.000 That's that way.

01:53:27.000 It's not.

01:53:27.000 Crazy is willing to go crazy in a bunch of different ways.

01:53:29.000 Crazy's not going to go all natural. 0.52

01:53:31.000 I'm crazy, but I drink wheatgrass juice and go to yoga.

01:53:34.000 No, sometimes they do meth.

01:53:35.000 Yeah, also in that package that you're talking about, how crazy is also that vindictive jealousy that women can get for a man's success when they're in the same career as them and one doesn't have any success of any type. 0.52

01:53:46.000 There was a lot of issues with that little situation.

01:53:49.000 We're talking about Phil Hartman to not dance around it.

01:53:51.000 There was a lot of issues with that.

01:53:52.000 There was a, you know, what it was is he had, you know, settled with a woman that he liked 30% of the time. 0.98

01:53:58.000 70% of the time, he wanted to run the fuck away from her, and she was crazy, and, you know, she would party, and it was just a really unhealthy relationship. 1.00

01:54:06.000 And I learned a lot from that man. 0.98

01:54:07.000 I learned, I'd never been around people that really despised each other and were like really high-profile and successful. 0.99

01:54:14.000 And she would say biting, evil shit to him in public so that he would feel uncomfortable and she would embarrass him. 0.99

01:54:21.000 Like we were at a party and Phil came over with his wife. 0.99

01:54:24.000 He's like, hey, Joe, he's always like super friendly, the nicest guy to everybody. 0.99

01:54:28.000 Fucking craft service guy. 0.99

01:54:30.000 Bob, the best bagel man. 1.00

01:54:32.000 He's just one of these dudes that everybody fucking loved him. 0.63

01:54:34.000 So he comes over and we're talking and somehow or another, his wife, oh, he got a new car. 0.94

01:54:40.000 He had this new car that he really liked.

01:54:42.000 And his wife goes, I want to get a pickup truck. 1.00

01:54:44.000 I want to get a pickup truck because it reminds me of guys that I used to fuck when I was younger. 0.99

01:54:49.000 And she just laughs. 0.99

01:54:49.000 Jesus. 0.99

01:54:50.000 Oh, she didn't say fuck. 1.00

01:54:51.000 She said sleep with. 1.00

01:54:51.000 She took it classy. 1.00

01:54:53.000 And she goes, Phil doesn't like pickup trucks, but he's too old.

01:54:57.000 And it was just like crazy.

01:54:58.000 Like you could see the bubble inside his head.

01:55:02.000 Just don't let it out.

01:55:05.000 Don't scream.

01:55:06.000 Get medicated.

01:55:07.000 Get a drink quick.

01:55:09.000 And she did a couple of them.

01:55:10.000 She did a couple of those. 0.96

01:55:12.000 A couple of Phil's old and guys I used to date when I was younger. 0.99

01:55:15.000 Like you're like, just fucking one person after another person's feelings, trying to play a little game. 0.99

01:55:21.000 Let me see if I can score on you. 1.00

01:55:22.000 Let me see if I can fuck with you. 1.00

01:55:23.000 Let me see if I can make you feel like shit. 1.00

01:55:25.000 But you're living with this person and you're raising children. 1.00

01:55:28.000 Do they think that's the only way to keep them is to bring them down?

01:55:31.000 No, they're broken.

01:55:32.000 They're broken.

01:55:32.000 They have terrible patterns.

01:55:33.000 Nobody's ever explained it to them.

01:55:34.000 They've never done ecstasy.

01:55:35.000 They've never been in an ayahuasca ceremony.

01:55:38.000 They need to do something.

01:55:39.000 They have terrible patterns. 0.99

01:55:40.000 I'm going to fucking borrow that. 0.99

01:55:41.000 That is true. 0.99

01:55:42.000 Terrible patterns.

01:55:43.000 People get stuck in repeating themselves, even if it makes no sense.

01:55:46.000 I learned that years ago when I took cognitive therapy a long time ago, and that's how she described it, Timmy.

01:55:51.000 It's like pouring water down a path.

01:55:53.000 After a while, it'll always go down the same side.

01:55:55.000 It's very hard to change that path, man.

01:55:56.000 Very, very, very hard.

01:55:57.000 I did, though.

01:55:58.000 It was a big change in my life.

01:56:00.000 Well, I think you, like a lot of guys, I said, you had a traumatic childhood.

01:56:04.000 And traumatic childhoods, I think, you know, it forces you to run faster than most people feel comfortable running.

01:56:11.000 It forces you to cover more ground in your life.

01:56:13.000 I run very fast, too.

01:56:14.000 Mentally.

01:56:15.000 Oh, yeah, that too.

01:56:17.000 Mind sign.

01:56:18.000 But I sprint.

01:56:20.000 That's very, yeah.

01:56:21.000 God.

01:56:22.000 Yeah, I know I've had a bunch of patterns in my life where I'm like, am I letting this weird pattern define me when this is not even what I like to do?

01:56:28.000 Like, why is this, why am I stuck doing the same thing over and over again?

01:56:32.000 Why do I have the same sabotage things that keep happening in my life?

01:56:35.000 Your evolution's been interesting, though, because it's one that's voyeuristic to a lot of people that are fans of yours and well as people that like and know you. 0.97

01:56:42.000 Because I've watched you online and the things you talk about and the more complexities and the more understandings you get and your passions and your stuff because you live life out loud through the help of this media savvy motherfucker.

01:56:52.000 But it's neat because watching somebody else evolve inspires other people to involve evolve. 0.63

01:56:58.000 Well, you know, I'm just doing what all these other people are doing too.

01:57:00.000 It's just more high profile.

01:57:01.000 It's like we're all in it together, you know.

01:57:03.000 I mean, one of the coolest things about this internet experience is the sharing of information and ideas.

01:57:08.000 Like, somebody sent me some video today of some fucking guy in the jungle climbing to this top of this tree to get some honey, and he's climbing up with these leaves and fires that got a hot ember in the leaves. 0.91

01:57:20.000 And he goes, this fucking tree is like 500 feet in the air. 0.98

01:57:23.000 And this guy's slowly climbing up to the top of this tree so he can get some honey. 0.99

01:57:27.000 We were doing the podcast on Tuesday or yesterday. 0.97

01:57:29.000 We were doing the podcast yesterday, and the power went out, and we were like, bitches. 0.99

01:57:34.000 The power went out in this fucking house on a paved road with no wild animals anywhere to be seen. 1.00

01:57:41.000 And Joey Diaz is like, you know, you better call the gas and electric cocksucker. 1.00

01:57:45.000 You better start a fire. 0.96

01:57:46.000 You better get the kids in the car and get ready to get to the airport. 1.00

01:57:48.000 You got to get the fuck out of here, Joe Rogan. 0.99

01:57:50.000 There's lions, there's tigers, and bears. 0.99

01:57:52.000 So he starts going off about it. 0.99

01:57:53.000 And I'm thinking while I'm watching this fucking guy climb this tree, I'm like, wow, this is another reality right here on Earth, 2011, human beings. 0.98

01:58:01.000 They could live this way where you're terrified when the lights go out, or you could climb a 500-foot fucking tree with a vine, wrapping a vine around and pulling themselves up step by step all the way to the top to get some honey. 0.99

01:58:14.000 You're either terrified when they go out or you're terrified when they go on. 0.99

01:58:17.000 This dude was getting fucked up by bees too. 0.99

01:58:21.000 500 feet in the air, fucked up by bees. 1.00

01:58:23.000 Can you imagine that guy walking home into his hut and having his wife start talking about minuscule bullshit? 0.99

01:58:30.000 You know what someone so said at the tree today? 0.99

01:58:32.000 It was so deep.

01:58:33.000 It was so deep.

01:58:34.000 The kids were watching. 0.86

01:58:35.000 You know, he's way the fuck up there and the kids are watching. 0.74

01:58:37.000 And then, you know, he's talking while it's happening.

01:58:39.000 You know, he was like doing a narration, not while he's actually climbing.

01:58:42.000 But he was talking about how many of his friends have died doing it.

01:58:45.000 So there he's climbing up there.

01:58:47.000 We have honey.

01:58:47.000 We love honey.

01:58:50.000 Wrap your head around that shit. 1.00

01:58:51.000 We can go to the store. 1.00

01:58:52.000 You know that he's only bringing home because the woman is ditching for honey. 0.96

01:58:52.000 You're a woman. 0.96

01:58:59.000 I'll get stung climbing. 0.78

01:59:00.000 He wouldn't do that for her.

01:59:01.000 It was vital nutrition.

01:59:02.000 They were saying it was vital nutrition for his family.

01:59:04.000 Yeah, it's for his family.

01:59:04.000 He was describing it, how the bee pollen and phyton fed them.

01:59:09.000 Yeah.

01:59:09.000 It's very, especially in the areas that it's naturally grown.

01:59:13.000 Like they say that that's the best, one of the best methods for avoiding getting colds in any particular area.

01:59:18.000 It used to be get bees from that area and eat their raw honey.

01:59:21.000 And then it would give you some sort of a natural boost to your immune system. 0.98

01:59:24.000 Probably makes the pussies taste better, too. 1.00

01:59:26.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

01:59:26.000 Fucking jumbo pussy. 1.00

01:59:27.000 It's like pineapple to load. 1.00

01:59:29.000 Jumbo pussy. 1.00

01:59:30.000 Jungle pussy. 1.00

01:59:31.000 Oh, jungle pussy. 1.00

01:59:32.000 I thought you said jumbo. 1.00

01:59:33.000 The propolis inside of the bee stuff actually kills infections. 0.87

01:59:37.000 Other than sulfates, it's the next best thing to fight infections after. 1.00

01:59:40.000 It's fucking trippy that bees are dying like a motherfucker. 0.99

01:59:42.000 They've figured it out, though. 1.00

01:59:43.000 In the last couple months, the massive hive death.

01:59:46.000 They've figured out that it's a combination, they're pretty sure of a combination of a mite and a fungus together when they happen is causing.

01:59:55.000 I thought there was still some debate.

01:59:56.000 Well, they found a resistant hive group outside, actually, in England.

02:00:00.000 That's why I know it because it was in The Guardian.

02:00:01.000 And they're trying to cross-breed them now with all the other bees. 1.00

02:00:04.000 Oh, they're going to make super bees and fuck the world. 1.00

02:00:07.000 The last time we did it was fucking killer bees. 1.00

02:00:09.000 The next one's going to be serial killer bees. 1.00

02:00:10.000 You know what's going to happen?

02:00:12.000 They're going to make these killer bees that are going to get tuned into all the Wi-Fi signals, and they're going to decode all the ones and zeros and become super intelligent.

02:00:20.000 And they're going to grow.

02:00:21.000 They're going to grow to the size of horses.

02:00:23.000 Flying, super intelligent super bees.

02:00:26.000 And the other ones are just going to tune into Rush Limbaugh. 0.99

02:00:29.000 Giant ass beehives. 1.00

02:00:30.000 A beehive bigger than the fucking Staple Center. 1.00

02:00:33.000 They'll crawl into our houses and steal our OxyContin. 1.00

02:00:36.000 Yeah, they'll come out, dude.

02:00:38.000 Yeah.

02:00:38.000 I'm laughing too much.

02:00:40.000 What do you think about guys like Rush Limbaugh that are obviously playing a game?

02:00:44.000 I think he's in it for the money. 0.99

02:00:45.000 He doesn't give a shit about what he's talking about. 0.99

02:00:47.000 He's obviously a performer. 0.99

02:00:48.000 We were talking about Dennis Miller before you got here.

02:00:50.000 We were talking about Dennis Miller. 0.99

02:00:52.000 It was on the Bill O'Reilly show, and he's like a fucking, like a salesman. 0.99

02:00:58.000 It was so weird. 0.99

02:00:59.000 He's like pitching for Republicans.

02:01:01.000 He had Bill O'Reilly had been on.

02:01:02.000 We'd already explained this before, so I'll be really brief.

02:01:04.000 Bill O'Reilly had some guy on that was claiming that Fox News was saying that people would go to jail if they didn't get health insurance.

02:01:11.000 And Bill O'Reilly was saying, no, we've never said that.

02:01:13.000 And then they show like instance after instance, like over and over and over again, of them actually saying that.

02:01:18.000 And that's what's funny about the video.

02:01:19.000 But at the end of the video, Dennis Miller goes on the Bill O'Reilly show, and he's talking about this instance where the guy was clearly right.

02:01:26.000 But Dennis is like, how about that guy yesterday showing up without the facts?

02:01:31.000 The guy walk around carrying his hat in his hand.

02:01:33.000 I'm like, and he had this like really bad like Monday Night Football Era one-liner that he went with it. 0.96

02:01:38.000 You know, back since Till LaHun was on the first proud, you know, one of those fucking nonsensical, it doesn't mean anything. 0.82

02:01:45.000 I'm just happy that you got through it, so I'll laugh with you. 0.79

02:01:47.000 You know, you're not saying anything, you know.

02:01:49.000 And I was like, wow, how weird is this that a comic is doing this?

02:01:52.000 A comic is like pitching.

02:01:54.000 He's such a weird guy, though.

02:01:56.000 So good back in the day.

02:01:57.000 Well, that's because David Feldman.

02:02:00.000 David Feldman wrote all his material for his HBO special.

02:02:03.000 Yeah, who now is the head writer for Bill Maher.

02:02:03.000 I did not know this.

02:02:06.000 But you can see when they changed.

02:02:08.000 You can see when they changed quality-wise.

02:02:09.000 Bennis Miller was great, great.

02:02:11.000 And then Feldman left.

02:02:13.000 I sort of attributed his weirdness to the 9-11 thing because after 9-11, he went right-wing, you know?

02:02:19.000 That's what happened.

02:02:20.000 Yeah, he, yeah.

02:02:21.000 I had an opportunity to talk to him once.

02:02:22.000 I've actually talked to him on the air before.

02:02:23.000 I actually like him.

02:02:24.000 He's a nice guy.

02:02:25.000 I've met him.

02:02:26.000 I've talked to him on the radio. 0.99

02:02:27.000 He's a fucking good dude, man. 0.99

02:02:28.000 He's a great comic. 0.99

02:02:29.000 Back in the old days, I mean, I don't know who wrote the shit that, you know, I don't know the deal behind it, but there was one time where I was at a urinal. 0.90

02:02:35.000 Him and I had a urinal, and it was like 2001 at one of these NBT things. 0.97

02:02:39.000 And it was the first time I ever met him.

02:02:40.000 And he's right there.

02:02:41.000 We're pissing right next to each other.

02:02:43.000 And he's, you know, he's being a nice guy.

02:02:44.000 He's like, hey, so, Joey, you got yourself a hit there, buddy.

02:02:47.000 You know, and I'm just like, yeah, man, it's fun.

02:02:49.000 It's really good.

02:02:50.000 Congratulations, man.

02:02:51.000 That's awesome.

02:02:51.000 You deserve it.

02:02:52.000 So he's being a nice guy.

02:02:52.000 Good for you.

02:02:55.000 I just want to go, what's up with that whole fucking Bush thing, man? 0.99

02:02:57.000 What's up, dude? 0.99

02:02:58.000 Come on, man. 1.00

02:02:59.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00

02:03:00.000 What are you doing? 1.00

02:03:01.000 You're not going to make fun of jokes about Bush because he's your boy?

02:03:04.000 Do you know what's going on in the world? 0.99

02:03:05.000 Do you know what the fuck is happening? 1.00

02:03:08.000 I wanted to say that to him. 1.00

02:03:09.000 It was weird. 0.78

02:03:10.000 But I didn't want to be a douchebag and I didn't want to. 0.86

02:03:12.000 I mean, it's not something you can ask someone and when you're pissing. 0.77

02:03:14.000 That's something when you got someone over your house, you know, you're not going anywhere for three hours.

02:03:17.000 You can ask them a question, you know?

02:03:18.000 Yeah.

02:03:19.000 You can delve into the complexities of why you support one idea or another, man.

02:03:23.000 I don't really care, though.

02:03:24.000 That's the other thing.

02:03:25.000 Like, he's not one of those guys that, I mean, his comedy I liked, but I don't really care what he thinks.

02:03:30.000 I care what everybody thinks.

02:03:30.000 Really?

02:03:31.000 I do to a certain degree, but when I find it's like, I don't know, there's certain things.

02:03:34.000 Like Bill O'Reilly, actually, I watch all the time.

02:03:36.000 I do too.

02:03:37.000 I find him so entertaining.

02:03:39.000 I don't know what it is, but I get just a kick out of him.

02:03:41.000 Limbo's entertaining, too.

02:03:42.000 Limbo can be an.

02:03:44.000 It's funny because I like listening to both sides.

02:03:46.000 Actually, I find a lot of left-wing radio really boring. 0.96

02:03:49.000 Some of it is so ridiculous, too. 0.90

02:03:50.000 It's like, you know, there's certain conversations they get into. 0.95

02:03:53.000 It's like, we're like, look, man, you're not doing anything any different than the other side. 0.98

02:03:57.000 You're just being completely ridiculous and segmented into your own ideology. 0.82

02:04:01.000 You've got it all boxed up in a, you know, a clean package where this is acceptable and this is not, and you're not willing to consider other things. 0.97

02:04:07.000 I like Rachel Maddow, and I like Bill Maher, and I love Jon Stewart. 0.98

02:04:12.000 Cole Bear's got to be the most brilliant guy I've ever seen in my fucking life. 0.99

02:04:16.000 They're all brilliant. 0.99

02:04:18.000 You can't not be brilliant to get to that spot. 0.99

02:04:20.000 It's just, it's really funny that there's not that many people that are in the right that are making fun of shit. 0.99

02:04:27.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.98

02:04:28.000 It's like there's a comic.

02:04:29.000 I'm just not very good because they don't like sarcasm.

02:04:31.000 Well, Norton is a Republican.

02:04:33.000 Yeah, Norton goes on Fox News all the time.

02:04:33.000 Is he?

02:04:35.000 So he's Apollo.

02:04:36.000 Yeah, brilliant.

02:04:38.000 He's a brilliant comic.

02:04:39.000 And Norton is a brilliant guy.

02:04:41.000 I really love that guy. 0.99

02:04:42.000 He's smart as fuck. 0.99

02:04:43.000 And, you know, he's just got this real conservative way of, and he can argue it. 1.00

02:04:47.000 He's very intelligent, you know? 0.75

02:04:49.000 But apart from him and a couple other guys, like, you know, there's so many fucking left-wing comedy shows making fun of the news, but there's very few making fun of and supporting the regime. 0.72

02:05:01.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.66

02:05:02.000 Well, yeah, I just think there's too many people in the debate at this point.

02:05:06.000 I also think it's not a joke to them.

02:05:09.000 None of it's not funny.

02:05:10.000 Right, but you know what?

02:05:11.000 It's not funny.

02:05:12.000 It's not a joke.

02:05:13.000 Like the Democrats, like Stewart clearly supports Obama to a certain extent.

02:05:18.000 I mean, they goof on him too.

02:05:19.000 They goof on everybody.

02:05:20.000 They have to, right, to be taken seriously.

02:05:21.000 And themselves, which is important.

02:05:23.000 But clearly, you know, you would see when Bush was in office, he was like, that was, they were going after them. 0.94

02:05:29.000 They were going after their ideas and exposing how ridiculous they were, right?

02:05:33.000 You don't see, what I'm saying is you don't see any right-wing comedians that were like supporting Bush with comedy, going after it and supporting it, you know, exposing the stories in the news.

02:05:43.000 And this is why it's good. 0.97

02:05:45.000 And these dumbasses that don't understand this, this is why they're wrong. 0.98

02:05:48.000 It's like the comedy is always against it. 0.99

02:05:50.000 Yeah, that's very true.

02:05:52.000 I don't know what that is, the fodder, why one is fodder for their community to laugh at and one isn't.

02:05:58.000 Did you watch the CPAC fundraising the other day?

02:06:01.000 When they were yelling at Dick Cheney, calling him a war criminal.

02:06:05.000 How weird was it when he got on stage and he went crazy?

02:06:07.000 He looked so different, didn't he?

02:06:09.000 It's like his face shrunk.

02:06:10.000 Well, you know he doesn't have a pulse.

02:06:12.000 Oh, yeah.

02:06:12.000 Well, he's an animated corpse.

02:06:13.000 No, but he really doesn't have a pulse.

02:06:15.000 He's got some new crazy sort of a pacemaker inside of him.

02:06:18.000 That just literally flows.

02:06:20.000 You put your finger like that.

02:06:21.000 He does not have a pulse.

02:06:22.000 It's just constantly moving through his body.

02:06:24.000 And that's not the sign of the apocalypse that the right-wing Christians are scared of?

02:06:27.000 Yeah, the one guy who's made more money and promoted war better than anybody.

02:06:30.000 I mean, that guy made a ton of money. 0.99

02:06:32.000 Don't they talk about a guy coming back from the dead in the fucking apocalypse? 1.00

02:06:36.000 The right-wing Christians should be all over this shit. 1.00

02:06:38.000 No, but he supports them. 1.00

02:06:38.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:40.000 It's a tricky little fucking marriage. 1.00

02:06:42.000 Marriage of Christians and killers. 1.00

02:06:42.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:06:44.000 You know, it's fascinating.

02:06:46.000 Somehow or another amalgamated.

02:06:48.000 All the extremist religions are like that. 1.00

02:06:49.000 I don't want to just point at Christians, but fucking Muslims are. 1.00

02:06:51.000 Absolutely, absolutely. 1.00

02:06:52.000 Everything.

02:06:54.000 Everybody's just absolutely awful to each other.

02:06:57.000 Well, you know, well, even if they're great to each other, you're still locked into some nutty ideology. 1.00

02:07:01.000 What the fuck are you doing? 0.99

02:07:02.000 A positive story, if I could. 1.00

02:07:04.000 Everybody always talks about negative stuff about Muslims, if I could say something.

02:07:06.000 The Coptic Christians that were getting blown up in the churches in Egypt, this is my favorite story I saw on the news. 1.00

02:07:11.000 After 61 of them were killed in Alexandria, the local Muslim community offered to walk them to church every day to protect them from attacks.

02:07:19.000 Yeah, I read about that.

02:07:20.000 I thought that was like this should be in the news more.

02:07:23.000 It's not one billion crazy people.

02:07:25.000 Sure.

02:07:26.000 Small percentage, and here's some compassion.

02:07:27.000 Extremely small percentage.

02:07:29.000 Yeah, but you know, there's a lot of nice Christians.

02:07:30.000 I've met a lot of good Christians.

02:07:31.000 You know, I've got sisters and people that...

02:07:35.000 What's up?

02:07:36.000 But I mean, people that really truly live by the principles and believe that it, you know.

02:07:40.000 It's just the dogmatic blindness to other people, you know.

02:07:43.000 To anything, right?

02:07:44.000 To global warming.

02:07:44.000 To anything.

02:07:45.000 You know, why are you so goddamn invested in the fact that global warming is natural? 0.96

02:07:48.000 How about that? 0.95

02:07:49.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:07:49.000 You know, why are you so crazy? 0.97

02:07:52.000 natural cycle people fucking scream at you telling you that gloom you're You don't even know about the global warming, pseudoscience, and alcohol. 1.00

02:08:02.000 That cocksucker's flying around in a fucking $7 million jack. 1.00

02:08:06.000 That guy's making billions off us. 1.00

02:08:07.000 Billions, really? 1.00

02:08:08.000 It's a fucking business, kid. 1.00

02:08:10.000 It's a business. 1.00

02:08:12.000 I think it's all a distraction, global warming, though.

02:08:14.000 Like, to distract us from our big worries, which is the ocean dying and the loss of topsoil.

02:08:17.000 The ocean dying is one thing. 0.99

02:08:19.000 How about the goddamn garbage patch in the middle of the Pacific? 1.00

02:08:22.000 It's like the size of a continent now. 1.00

02:08:23.000 Jesus, yeah.

02:08:24.000 It's enormous.

02:08:25.000 It's a micropelip.

02:08:27.000 It was bigger than Texas. 0.99

02:08:28.000 It was bigger than Texas at one point in time, and now they're saying it's like fucking half of North America. 0.99

02:08:33.000 It's like insanely big. 0.95

02:08:34.000 They don't even know how big it is, really, because they haven't done like an accurate survey.

02:08:38.000 They would have to like go around this thing and get submarines and figure out because it's like a lot of it's floating under the surface of the water so you can't even see it.

02:08:46.000 It's these micro tiny micro pellets too of the plastic because it dissolves into the usable form for more.

02:08:52.000 We never even heard about this until like a few years ago.

02:08:55.000 I remember when they said it was the size of just Manhattan.

02:08:58.000 That was about what was it, 10 years ago maybe? 1.00

02:09:00.000 Fuck. 0.99

02:09:01.000 Do you think it's gotten that much bigger that quicker? 1.00

02:09:04.000 Or were they just wrong?

02:09:06.000 Maybe they just had bad surveying of it?

02:09:08.000 I mean, they must be using satellites, right?

02:09:10.000 It's in the center of the Pacific, though, which nobody really travels to.

02:09:12.000 If you look at the shipping routes, they all go around it.

02:09:14.000 So it's not even part of what's going on.

02:09:16.000 There's no land around it.

02:09:16.000 That's so weird.

02:09:18.000 We are fucking cunts. 1.00

02:09:19.000 Well, there never used to be that much garbage, so maybe it has just happened that recently. 1.00

02:09:23.000 Well, how the fuck? 0.99

02:09:24.000 Is it water bottles? 0.99

02:09:25.000 Is that what it is? 1.00

02:09:26.000 It's goddamn water bottles. 0.99

02:09:26.000 Well, it's popping. 0.99

02:09:27.000 Yeah, and it's poisoning the ocean.

02:09:29.000 But how do they get rid of it?

02:09:30.000 What do they freak that? 0.61

02:09:32.000 A huge broom?

02:09:33.000 You let it solidify, and you turn it into a bridge that we can drive trucks across.

02:09:38.000 Yeah.

02:09:40.000 You can just light it all on fire.

02:09:42.000 That's what BP wants to do with it right now.

02:09:42.000 That'll solve it.

02:09:44.000 If we light the oil on fire, that's got to be better for the environment.

02:09:47.000 This BP thing must have freaked you out.

02:09:48.000 Did it freak you out?

02:09:49.000 Nah, at first it freaked me out, but I was like, it was bound to happen.

02:09:53.000 And it's going to happen again.

02:09:55.000 We're going to have another thing just as bad.

02:09:56.000 I think these mega-apocalyptic sort of environmental disasters are going to speed up as we're desperately scrounging for the last available different types of resource.

02:10:04.000 Not just we're running out of every type of resources, rare metals, all sorts of things.

02:10:08.000 These open-pit mines around the world, we're going deeper and deeper.

02:10:11.000 We're just, as we scrounge for the last little bits, we're going to sacrifice a whole lot more.

02:10:16.000 How long does it take to make topsoil?

02:10:18.000 Oh, topsoil takes 6,000 years per quarter inch.

02:10:21.000 Not how I make it, bro. 1.00

02:10:24.000 Make that shit quick. 1.00

02:10:25.000 My uncle, he knows what to do. 1.00

02:10:26.000 We got the stevia.

02:10:27.000 I got the grinder.

02:10:28.000 We're going to produce. 0.99

02:10:29.000 We bang some rocks with some hammers and then take your shit on it and leave it there for a couple weeks. 0.99

02:10:34.000 Topsoil. 0.99

02:10:36.000 Oh! 0.60

02:10:37.000 As we're watching food prices right now just skyrocket around the world.

02:10:41.000 Like most of the time, recently, right?

02:10:42.000 In the last 40 years, unbelievable growth.

02:10:45.000 29%, something crazy like that.

02:10:46.000 Some up to 300%, despending on what you're talking about.

02:10:48.000 And this is causing greater and greater poverty and disparity, even though our problem has always been distribution.

02:10:53.000 The price of food is being priced out of a portion of about one quarter of the Earth's population.

02:10:57.000 And we're using less and less land for arable resources as we're expanding out.

02:11:02.000 We're expanding our cities out.

02:11:03.000 We're expanding our mining out.

02:11:04.000 And there's less and less grazing farmland.

02:11:05.000 And some countries are predicting this.

02:11:07.000 You look at China right now.

02:11:08.000 They're buying up arable land all across Africa.

02:11:12.000 They're planning on this crunch that's going on.

02:11:14.000 They brought up Madagascar, Tanzania, Zambia, these massive acreages where they're growing food just for China right now.

02:11:21.000 The U.S. doesn't have a commercial entity that's doing anything similar to this right now. 0.94

02:11:24.000 Monsanto, being the big sort of influencer in global food, is actually shrinking the amount of arable land by forcing people to use these fucking genetic resource seeds that can afford it.

02:11:36.000 And those who can't afford it don't grow crops. 0.86

02:11:38.000 We were talking about Monsanto yesterday and the fact that it's believed they've acquired Blackwater.

02:11:45.000 They've done it through some sort of a third party.

02:11:47.000 There was talk about them acquiring it.

02:11:49.000 And the official story from the people that have investigated it, they say literally there's no way to tell whether or not Monsanto has picked up Blackwater.

02:11:58.000 What is it?

02:11:59.000 Blackwater is a mercenary outfit that was one of the most popular ones during the Iraq war. 1.00

02:12:05.000 They actually had to change their name because they did so much fucked up shit. 0.99

02:12:09.000 I forget what they changed their name. 0.99

02:12:11.000 They weren't under USMC military court justice when they were in Iraq.

02:12:15.000 So they could do stuff that the military get prosecuted for, like shoot civilians in the back, stuff like that.

02:12:21.000 So, you know, I don't know if, again, I have a...

02:12:25.000 But they were involved in a lot of sketchy stuff, you know?

02:12:28.000 And not all of them, but I think a lot of them.

02:12:30.000 What we were talking about is how crazy it is that everybody talks about how ruthless these seed companies are, Monsanto, especially.

02:12:36.000 They're prosecuting people who have their seeds who've just cross-pollinated, you know, they get in the breeze and they grow on someone's fields.

02:12:42.000 And now they sue these guys.

02:12:44.000 And it's the nuttiest thing.

02:12:46.000 Like they've patented nature.

02:12:48.000 They've patented living things.

02:12:50.000 So by genetically modifying it, then they can claim to own it. 0.99

02:12:53.000 And their idea is to eventually have, that's the only kind of food you can get is shit that they own. 0.97

02:12:57.000 They're going to own all the food. 0.99

02:12:59.000 I mean, it's insanity.

02:13:01.000 They're patenting human genes.

02:13:02.000 Yes, and animal genes, too.

02:13:04.000 They patented pigs.

02:13:05.000 They patented parts of, they're trying to patent parts of pigs.

02:13:09.000 The breast cancer gene, the gene that causes breast cancer, they patented and charged universities $150,000 if they wanted to use it to research breast cancer cures.

02:13:17.000 And now they have an army.

02:13:19.000 It's hilarious.

02:13:20.000 Things are going well. 0.99

02:13:22.000 But here's what I wanted to ask you by bringing up this fucking doom and gloom. 0.95

02:13:25.000 Do you choose how much to, and one of the reasons why is because this is a very main idea that I've been bouncing around in my head lately. 0.99

02:13:35.000 Do you choose how much negative shit you allow to get in your head? 0.99

02:13:38.000 Interesting question. 0.99

02:13:39.000 Do you choose, like, I mean, you look at something like this, what Blackwater did and, you know, what's going on over here, and what happened to that lady in Egypt, the reporter, and you're like, okay, how much of this is really affecting me?

02:13:48.000 That's a really good question because that's something I battle with all the time.

02:13:52.000 And I try to limit my psychology of getting dark rather than I'll still, I'll read everything I can.

02:13:58.000 I never stop reading about the negative stuff.

02:14:00.000 But if I feel myself getting sort of like caught in a whirlpool of negativity, I pull myself out and do other stuff.

02:14:05.000 That's a very good way to look at it.

02:14:06.000 Yeah, and I try and read some positive things.

02:14:08.000 I try to balance it out with good news.

02:14:09.000 Technology generally is where I find good news.

02:14:12.000 And I read about guys like Camzen and his inventions of water purification and the different stuff.

02:14:17.000 I haven't heard this.

02:14:18.000 Oh, the guy that invented the two-wheeled Segway.

02:14:18.000 What is it?

02:14:25.000 He's doing all these low-tech devices to purify water across Africa that costs nothing to run.

02:14:32.000 He's doing all these positive things for the world using technology.

02:14:35.000 And there's a lot of hope in this section.

02:14:37.000 I try to balance my negative stuff with that.

02:14:40.000 Yeah, no, that's a good way to do it, man.

02:14:42.000 You got to try to, as much as you can, manage the kind of frequency that your mind carries around in it.

02:14:48.000 But this is a good segue to my podcast that I want you to do for 50 minutes on, which if people want to have him on, we haven't put him up yet, but we're interviewing all sorts of people from different fields about how they think the world's going to end and what's going to cause it.

02:14:59.000 Well, it's not going to end. 0.98

02:15:00.000 People are so silly. 0.97

02:15:02.000 And even for my podcast, the world's not going anywhere, man. 1.00

02:15:06.000 Or society.

02:15:07.000 Society is going to morph.

02:15:09.000 Look, we are not amoebas anymore. 0.98

02:15:11.000 And the universe, 4 billion years ain't shit to the universe. 0.96

02:15:14.000 4 billion years is 14 billion since the Big Bang. 0.60

02:15:18.000 So there's 10 more to go.

02:15:20.000 What?

02:15:20.000 14 years for the Big Bang?

02:15:22.000 No, 9 billion until the Big Bang.

02:15:24.000 14 billion years ago, the Big Bang happened.

02:15:25.000 I think it's 9, isn't it?

02:15:26.000 No.

02:15:27.000 No, it's not.

02:15:28.000 And they stretch that back and forth, too.

02:15:31.000 There's a lot of times they believe.

02:15:32.000 There's a new theory that it's a cyclical thing, and that the entire cycle of the Big Bang to compression expansion is just, it goes on and on and on and on and on forever.

02:15:40.000 That's been a theory for a while.

02:15:41.000 But also, how do you measure time when time itself is a relative sort of component of a fourth dimension that didn't exist prior to the Big Bang?

02:15:47.000 So everything as it's expanding is actually kind of how do you go time?

02:15:50.000 Because it's all subjective for anybody else to say.

02:15:52.000 It's impossible to wrap your head around because there's time on hot tops.

02:15:52.000 Right.

02:15:55.000 You're like, your fucking clock says 10 o'clock, stupid. 1.00

02:15:58.000 Yeah, but I'm traveling at according to the speed of light, so it's actually 9. 1.00

02:16:01.000 But there is a measurement.

02:16:03.000 You're measuring time.

02:16:04.000 Like people that say time doesn't exist, that's kind of silly because it exists when you can measure it.

02:16:08.000 Well, it gives illustration to entropy.

02:16:10.000 Right.

02:16:11.000 But it doesn't, I think it's not that time doesn't exist, it's that it doesn't matter because there really is no beginning and an end.

02:16:17.000 That's all the illusion.

02:16:18.000 The illusion is the shit that you're thinking that these distinct moments that you've created, like these beginning and the end. 0.98

02:16:24.000 Time exists, the illusion is us going forward. 0.99

02:16:27.000 Because it could be either directional.

02:16:29.000 Here's proof that time exists. 1.00

02:16:30.000 Fucking cameras, okay? 1.00

02:16:32.000 Cameras take pictures of shit when you look different, stupid. 1.00

02:16:36.000 Time exists. 1.00

02:16:36.000 It's going on. 1.00

02:16:37.000 It's moving. 1.00

02:16:38.000 Hear that stupid? 1.00

02:16:39.000 It just goes on forever, and you're this weird integer in time. 1.00

02:16:44.000 when you take a video of something with your iPhone, you're time capturing.

02:16:48.000 You're capturing a very minuscule point, something, an image, a visualization from something that doesn't even exist anymore.

02:16:55.000 That's why it's the trippiest thing to watch videos of people that are dead now.

02:16:58.000 But even us, we're not the same person we were seven years ago.

02:16:58.000 Yeah.

02:17:01.000 All of our cells and every part of our body has been exchanged for something that used to be there.

02:17:05.000 Except the neurons, which is fascinating because the real question is, where are the memories held?

02:17:10.000 Where are the memories held?

02:17:12.000 Are all your memories just second-hand stories that one cell told the next cell before they died?

02:17:18.000 Listen, when we were a kid, we fell off the monkey bar.

02:17:20.000 That's how we broke our arm.

02:17:21.000 Don't forget.

02:17:23.000 Don't forget this critical story.

02:17:25.000 Careful on monkey bars when sweaty palms.

02:17:27.000 You know, I mean, how do I know that I fell off a monkey bar when I was six and snapped my arm?

02:17:31.000 I know.

02:17:32.000 I remember being in the hospital.

02:17:32.000 I remember it.

02:17:34.000 If every brain cell in my body has been replaced and it's happened every seven years, that's a long ass time ago.

02:17:40.000 How do I have this memory? 0.99

02:17:40.000 What the fuck happened? 0.99

02:17:42.000 So a lot of the thoughts are maybe they're non-local. 0.99

02:17:42.000 But you do. 0.99

02:17:45.000 Maybe memories and consciousness, maybe that's non-local.

02:17:48.000 Maybe the body, the reason why when the body is deteriorated, it's ineffective at recalling memories might not just be the memories that are stored in your body. 0.94

02:17:55.000 So your body's a shit antenna now and it can't tune into whatever the frequency that your life was operating with. 0.97

02:18:00.000 We live on Nabu with the people from Avatar. 1.00

02:18:04.000 I'm not telling you to tune into a tree, bro.

02:18:07.000 That's even crazy for me, man.

02:18:10.000 That's kind of what it's all.

02:18:11.000 Yeah, I wonder if you're, because your memory isn't just your brain.

02:18:15.000 You have like the, just your senses have a memory too, right?

02:18:18.000 So if you didn't actually go through something, you wouldn't, you wouldn't feel like you had.

02:18:22.000 I don't know.

02:18:23.000 It depends how old you were when you did.

02:18:25.000 Some people think that memory is something that everything has, that even houses and trees and cars and water.

02:18:31.000 Yeah, everything.

02:18:32.000 It's got a certain sense of it.

02:18:34.000 Do you know that Japanese guy that does things to water? 1.00

02:18:37.000 Is that real?

02:18:38.000 No, it's fake.

02:18:38.000 No.

02:18:39.000 Most of the science is absolutely, you can't call it science.

02:18:44.000 There's no accurate research.

02:18:46.000 Yeah, but I mean, he's doing it sort of an artistic thing.

02:18:48.000 What he's doing is taking photographs of things when he says evil things to them, right?

02:18:52.000 Or chosen for them and thinking good thoughts.

02:18:54.000 That was originally illustrated in the movie Down the Rabbit Hole, wasn't it?

02:18:54.000 Yeah.

02:18:57.000 Yes.

02:18:58.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:18:58.000 And then when you go online, there's a, because that was one of the, after that movie, didn't you go online and look up a lot of shit? 0.98

02:19:05.000 I remember going through that.

02:19:06.000 The research behind that was, there's no been any scientific, true research that has had any effectual showing of that.

02:19:12.000 So, but does that mean that he lied?

02:19:14.000 Because if he took these photos, he never actively took those photos?

02:19:18.000 No, no, I think he did take those photos, but I don't think we're taking, we're trusting somebody's word of mouth for it.

02:19:23.000 So no one's recreated is what you're saying.

02:19:25.000 I mean, that's what science needs.

02:19:26.000 It seems like it's just water.

02:19:27.000 How hard would it be to recreate that?

02:19:29.000 It seems like if that was true, then people would be doing it all over the place.

02:19:31.000 What do you need?

02:19:32.000 You need a microscope, tele camera, microscope, camera, and you need some water.

02:19:36.000 How hard is it to get water? 0.98

02:19:37.000 You know, what the fuck, what are you doing with the water? 0.98

02:19:39.000 I've never been a big fan of the positive thought sort of movements. 0.99

02:19:43.000 Yeah, if you wish hard enough, it'll happen, Harry Potter generation.

02:19:43.000 Like a secret.

02:19:46.000 Well, the really evil thing is, you know, I had a friend who was really into this, and he was really telling me at one point in time that, you know, he doesn't even lock his doors because he doesn't believe in putting that out there and that I believe you create your destiny.

02:19:57.000 I go, yo, listen to me right now.

02:19:59.000 Babies get shot in drive-bys. 1.00

02:20:02.000 Those babies aren't creating their fucking destiny. 1.00

02:20:04.000 They get shot in drive-bys. 1.00

02:20:06.000 Random shit happens to people. 1.00

02:20:07.000 Don't get stupid. 1.00

02:20:07.000 It can happen to you. 1.00

02:20:08.000 And so few of those babies were actually involved in drug bangs that evolved kind of drunk bang.

02:20:14.000 A few of them, but very few.

02:20:15.000 One Dave Chappelle joke that I recall that was hilarious. 1.00

02:20:17.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

02:20:19.000 Baby had babies. 1.00

02:20:20.000 He had to feed his babies.

02:20:21.000 That's why he's sliding rocks.

02:20:22.000 He talks about the little five-year-old on the corner of the street.

02:20:25.000 That's when you know it's a bad neighborhood.

02:20:27.000 Oh, man, you shouldn't be out here.

02:20:28.000 You're a baby.

02:20:30.000 That's hilarious.

02:20:33.000 Wait, have you, what happened to him?

02:20:35.000 He's somebody I know nothing about. 0.98

02:20:36.000 He's just fucking doing his thing, man. 0.99

02:20:38.000 Really? 0.99

02:20:38.000 Just doing comedy. 0.99

02:20:39.000 God, he was funny.

02:20:39.000 He's still funny, man.

02:20:40.000 He was just performing recently in L.A. I think he was at the comedy store.

02:20:43.000 Shit. 1.00

02:20:44.000 Or maybe the Laugh Factory. 0.99

02:20:45.000 I don't remember, but he's, you know, he's just trying to do comedy.

02:20:48.000 Have a good time. 1.00

02:20:48.000 Do his shit. 1.00

02:20:49.000 Seems like he's just not into promoting himself anymore. 1.00

02:20:52.000 I think he got, I like it too. 0.99

02:20:53.000 He got a ton of fucking money when he did that show. 0.98

02:20:55.000 And I think what he likes to do now is just go up and do his thing. 0.99

02:20:58.000 How sweet would that be? 0.91

02:20:59.000 So he shows up with like, he did a show, I think it was in Seattle, where he pulled up a fucking, like one of those little mini speakers and a microphone in a park. 0.93

02:21:07.000 And he just sat down and just started doing comedy. 0.99

02:21:09.000 And fucking 2,000 people showed up. 1.00

02:21:11.000 And it was ridiculous. 1.00

02:21:13.000 You could find it online. 0.93

02:21:14.000 Did you know that?

02:21:14.000 That's how he started.

02:21:15.000 Yeah.

02:21:16.000 I watched him do it once. 0.99

02:21:17.000 I was working with him when he was like, fucking God, he was like 18 years old, man. 0.99

02:21:20.000 It was in Montreal at the Comedy Festival. 0.99

02:21:22.000 And we had both done sets.

02:21:24.000 It was like, this is like early 90s, 93, 94, something like that.

02:21:28.000 And we had both done sets upstairs at this place called Club Soda.

02:21:31.000 And we went outside.

02:21:32.000 And when we went outside, Dave, just all these people around, Dave stops what he's doing and says, oh, y'all gather around here, gather around here.

02:21:39.000 I'm going to do some comedy for y'all.

02:21:40.000 Gather around, gather around. 0.99

02:21:42.000 And he'll put his hat out and accept donations and shit. 0.99

02:21:45.000 And he would do comedy. 1.00

02:21:46.000 He would do stand-up in the fucking street. 0.99

02:21:48.000 I wonder if he still accepts donations. 1.00

02:21:50.000 Yeah, probably.

02:21:51.000 Yeah, probably not anymore. 0.50

02:21:52.000 But he used to literally, he would just go out there and do fucking stand-up after a show to a bunch of passer-bys. 0.83

02:21:52.000 Now he just does it. 0.83

02:21:59.000 He would stop them, organize them, do it.

02:22:01.000 Apparently, he would do it all the time.

02:22:02.000 Well, I remember watching a 60-minute special or 2020 or one of those news shows that were giving a profile of him and showing pictures of him on the streets of DC doing that.

02:22:02.000 Yeah.

02:22:11.000 Do you ever feel like when you see someone doing something like that? 0.99

02:22:13.000 Like, fuck, why am I not doing that? 0.97

02:22:15.000 I'm going out and doing it. 1.00

02:22:15.000 No, not me at all, man. 1.00

02:22:17.000 Fuck off. 1.00

02:22:18.000 I don't want to just grab you and say, let me give you my attention. 1.00

02:22:20.000 I'm not that charming.

02:22:22.000 I got into stand-up because I'm shy.

02:22:23.000 Yeah.

02:22:24.000 You know, I was afraid to talk to people.

02:22:26.000 And then, like, I don't know.

02:22:27.000 And then I got into it really because I love Sam Kinnison.

02:22:30.000 Yeah, me too. 0.99

02:22:30.000 That fucking changed my life. 0.99

02:22:32.000 He changed mine too. 0.99

02:22:33.000 A girl that I worked with changed my life by doing a Sam Kinnison bit for me, telling me how funny this guy was.

02:22:39.000 And she just saw him on HBO that night.

02:22:41.000 We were both 19.

02:22:42.000 And she was this really cool chick that I worked with. 0.99

02:22:45.000 She was hilarious. 0.53

02:22:46.000 And she loved that kind of comedy. 1.00

02:22:49.000 And she goes, oh my God, there's a fucking Boston accent. 1.00

02:22:51.000 This fucking guy, Sam Kinnison, oh my God, he is so fucking funny. 1.00

02:22:55.000 This is what this guy does. 1.00

02:22:56.000 And so she literally does his bit out in the parking lot, the bit about the homosexual necrophiliacs. 1.00

02:23:02.000 Like she's lying on her stomach going, oh, I mean, life keeps fucking in the ass even after you're dead. 1.00

02:23:06.000 It never ends. 1.00

02:23:07.000 So, think of like, this is my first introduction to Sam Kinnison. 1.00

02:23:11.000 It's this girl with this heavy Boston accent pretending to get fucked in the ass in a parking lot. 1.00

02:23:15.000 And I was like, Whoa, that's the craziest bit I've ever heard in my life. 1.00

02:23:17.000 I was howling, laughing.

02:23:19.000 And then I went out, I got a hold of the tape like a couple of months later, and then I was like, Wow, okay, this is comedy, too.

02:23:24.000 Like, I didn't think that was comedy.

02:23:25.000 I didn't think that was even an option.

02:23:27.000 I thought comedy was like what you see on the tonight show.

02:23:29.000 It's like, you know, it must be fun to be funny, but that's not how my brain works.

02:23:33.000 I had no idea that that's what comedy was about.

02:23:36.000 I was like 14 or 15 years old.

02:23:37.000 My brother sent me a tape of Kinnison, and he was talking about religion.

02:23:41.000 And you heard that, I grew up really strict, and I go, you can't talk about Jesus like this.

02:23:46.000 And I was listening, I was laughing so hard.

02:23:48.000 This is what I need to do in my life. 1.00

02:23:48.000 I go, fuck this. 1.00

02:23:50.000 And from a fucking former preacher, the whole thing was like the package was so ridiculous. 1.00

02:23:54.000 And a guy who was a victim of a head injury. 1.00

02:23:57.000 Do you know that?

02:23:57.000 That changed his personality, man.

02:23:59.000 I read his book, Brother Bill.

02:24:01.000 His brother wrote a book.

02:24:02.000 Great book if you're a Kinison fan.

02:24:03.000 Really interesting.

02:24:05.000 I went to his grave in Tulsa.

02:24:06.000 He hasn't read his book. 1.00

02:24:08.000 He was a regular kid, and then he got hit by a fucking car. 0.99

02:24:11.000 And when he got hit by a car, it changed him. 1.00

02:24:13.000 Changed his personality.

02:24:14.000 Became reckless.

02:24:16.000 Became a different person.

02:24:17.000 Yeah, became wild, became volatile.

02:24:20.000 You know, something screw got loose.

02:24:22.000 It's like that thing we were watching the other day about brain injuries and how the personality transitions, that people don't pay enough attention to head injuries as well.

02:24:28.000 Oh, the lead major impact.

02:24:30.000 That's a part of my business.

02:24:31.000 I'm around head injuries all the time.

02:24:32.000 Do you see that ever?

02:24:33.000 Do you ever see some fighters injury?

02:24:35.000 I've seen people change over the course of their career radically.

02:24:39.000 I've seen people that, you know, especially guys who get cut from the UFC and they wind up keep fighting in other organizations and they lose like a bunch of times by knockout.

02:24:47.000 It gets really weird when you're talking to them because as you're talking to them, like you can see a struggle.

02:24:53.000 We've all been in a situation where maybe you just woke up or you got a lot of shit on your mind and you're not that good at forming a sentence.

02:25:00.000 Somebody calls you out of the blue, brings up a subject you didn't expect. 0.95

02:25:04.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:25:05.000 Camera's in your face.

02:25:06.000 What?

02:25:07.000 We can all struggle to be inarticulate, but there's a weird vacancy, a truth when you're looking in someone's eyes and you know their brain's not working that good anymore.

02:25:17.000 And it's a sad thing.

02:25:19.000 It's a sad thing.

02:25:20.000 There's a dullness to their eyes and a struggle and a lost look.

02:25:27.000 Like they want someone to help them.

02:25:28.000 Like those guys, when they go, it's Lou Gehrigs and Alzheimer's and all sorts of different things.

02:25:33.000 When they go and it all shuts down, they're helpless.

02:25:35.000 And they're scared.

02:25:36.000 They're showing parts of that on Lights Out Holt's show.

02:25:38.000 Yeah, my buddy Holt McCallan's got the show on FX.

02:25:41.000 Tune in, please, the ratings need to go up.

02:25:42.000 Cub Lights Out. 0.99

02:25:44.000 Fucking awesome show. 0.99

02:25:46.000 But my dad was a professional hockey player, and he's a wing nut. 1.00

02:25:49.000 Like, he's a fucking wing nut. 1.00

02:25:51.000 Did he have a lot of concussions? 1.00

02:25:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:25:53.000 Lots.

02:25:54.000 He had 127 stitches in his face.

02:25:56.000 He doesn't have any of his teeth.

02:25:57.000 And they didn't wear helmets back then.

02:25:59.000 He played in the 50s.

02:26:00.000 He won the Stanley Cup with the Detroit Red Wings 53-54. 0.99

02:26:03.000 Damn, Knuckles. 1.00

02:26:04.000 My dad's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:26:05.000 Yeah, he's still a son of a bitch because he'd come off the ice and then beat us up. 1.00

02:26:10.000 Yeah, so, but he was nuts. 0.99

02:26:13.000 Does he ever go to see your act?

02:26:15.000 Oh, he's never.

02:26:15.000 He doesn't even know what I do.

02:26:16.000 He doesn't even understand.

02:26:18.000 Comedy, people, what?

02:26:20.000 Pray for your soul.

02:26:21.000 Like, there's just no connection.

02:26:23.000 One day Peter's going to get a job.

02:26:24.000 I'm like, he still thinks I'm going to be a priest.

02:26:28.000 You've met my wife, right?

02:26:28.000 Really?

02:26:29.000 You'll be a priest someday.

02:26:31.000 So has he scrambled from all those years?

02:26:33.000 Yeah, yeah.

02:26:34.000 Well, between that and the alcohol.

02:26:36.000 But I never thought of the head injuries.

02:26:38.000 I just thought of that for the first time.

02:26:39.000 Excuse me, man.

02:26:40.000 I used to get headaches when I transitioned from taekwondo to kickboxing, I was like 21 years old.

02:26:46.000 I had to do a lot of boxing.

02:26:48.000 And when I did a lot of boxing, that wasn't what I was good at.

02:26:51.000 Taekwondo was a more kicking-oriented sport.

02:26:53.000 So when I started doing boxing, I started getting a lot of headaches, man.

02:26:56.000 It was bad.

02:26:57.000 I boxed for three years, too. 0.96

02:26:58.000 I fucking loved it. 0.87

02:26:59.000 Did you? 0.99

02:27:00.000 Did you like the headaches?

02:27:01.000 I never got the headaches.

02:27:01.000 I got to be honest with you.

02:27:02.000 Well, I'm 6'4.

02:27:03.000 And in my weight class, because I was fighting at, I think, 197, 1200, I was fighting guys that were 5'4, 200.

02:27:10.000 200 pounds?

02:27:10.000 5'4?

02:27:11.000 What are you fighting fucking Neanderthals? 1.00

02:27:12.000 Fighting controls. 1.00

02:27:13.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95

02:27:14.000 I know. 0.99

02:27:14.000 I used to get the shit kicked out of me once they got in within my reach because it would just be body blows. 0.99

02:27:18.000 Nobody'd fucking take me down with my head because it'd just be straight through my stomach. 0.99

02:27:22.000 That's not tall for 6'4, though. 0.98

02:27:24.000 It doesn't make sense that everybody is for 197 pounds, nobody's money.

02:27:28.000 I mean, there's people that are that tall, but I mean, so many guys who are that short that are that heavy.

02:27:32.000 That's really unusual.

02:27:33.000 Everybody in my boxing club is short.

02:27:35.000 No, that's weird.

02:27:35.000 Everybody.

02:27:36.000 It's by the Klona thing.

02:27:37.000 By the way, it's also where you, you know, what level of boxer are you training with?

02:27:42.000 You know, like you're training with a bunch of killers.

02:27:45.000 And what's the style of boxing, too?

02:27:47.000 Some gyms, they don't spar hard.

02:27:49.000 They spar smart, you know, and they control each other's, you know.

02:27:53.000 Well, we got knocked down to the Taekwondo Club because the guy that was teaching down there wanted to help because he said their guys weren't punching properly enough enough.

02:28:00.000 So we used to interchange and spar with the people in Taekwondo. 0.91

02:28:04.000 I remember having a great little match going on and then the guy getting frustrated and fucking turning around and sweeping my legs out of nowhere. 0.88

02:28:13.000 Well, yeah, people do get frustrated when sparring. 0.97

02:28:16.000 It's such a creepy thing.

02:28:17.000 It's like you're kind of fighting, but not.

02:28:19.000 Yeah.

02:28:20.000 You know, and a lot of times it becomes fighting.

02:28:22.000 But the thing, the idea about headaches, I mean, I was fine and never got any like serious damage or concussions or anything like that.

02:28:28.000 But you know that it's possible and it could be coming.

02:28:32.000 You know, it's like these are the first blows, this headache that you get.

02:28:35.000 What if this is every day for the rest of your life?

02:28:36.000 What if you have to drink to try to just numb this and dull this down?

02:28:40.000 And a lot of people that are involved in football and combat sports, anything really extreme, you know, especially boxing because they take so much.

02:28:46.000 Like, you remember Terry Norris?

02:28:47.000 Remember that guy?

02:28:48.000 You ever seen him now?

02:28:49.000 No.

02:28:50.000 Scary, bro.

02:28:51.000 Scary.

02:28:52.000 Meldrick Taylor, too. 1.00

02:28:52.000 Scary as fuck. 1.00

02:28:54.000 Brian, what are you doing? 1.00

02:28:56.000 Why is there noise playing?

02:28:57.000 There's music.

02:28:59.000 Where is it?

02:29:00.000 It's out there.

02:29:02.000 How can we hear that?

02:29:03.000 You've got the best sneakers.

02:29:06.000 I can even hear it when I take my ears off.

02:29:10.000 Really?

02:29:10.000 I didn't.

02:29:13.000 That's so weird.

02:29:14.000 It sounds so loud through me. 1.00

02:29:16.000 These fucking things are weird. 1.00

02:29:18.000 This is a really passive setup. 1.00

02:29:19.000 Did you do that?

02:29:20.000 We started out really scrubby, dude.

02:29:21.000 We started out with just a laptop and a webcam, and then the laptop and the webcam eventually became this.

02:29:27.000 I want to show Redman this.

02:29:29.000 I bought this for our thing and see what you think of this.

02:29:31.000 Brian keeps showing his phone at me, which means he has to go. 0.99

02:29:34.000 So we're going to wrap this up because Brian's got to get the fuck out of here. 0.98

02:29:34.000 Oh, Okay. 0.98

02:29:38.000 Thank you to the fleshlight.

02:29:39.000 If you go to joerogan.net and click the link, you can enter in the code name Joe Rogan, rather, and you get 15% off.

02:29:47.000 And this weekend, yeah, sure, sure, sure, hold up.

02:29:49.000 This weekend, Brea Improv with Joey Diaz and Arch Shafir, it's almost sold out.

02:29:54.000 Saturday night is already sold out.

02:29:55.000 There's only a few tickets left for Friday, and Sunday night is almost sold out, too. 1.00

02:29:58.000 So jump on that shit, bitches. 1.00

02:30:00.000 And Pete Johansson, how do they get a hold of you? 1.00

02:30:02.000 What's up with you having two Twitter accounts signed up?

02:30:04.000 Why are you using the wrong one?

02:30:05.000 Yeah, use the Pete Johansson one.

02:30:06.000 The other one's only got a thousand people.

02:30:08.000 We can get you more than that today. 0.90

02:30:09.000 Okay, well, I've never used the other one because the Pete Johansen I just took because I didn't want people taking the name because all these Swedish guys keep grabbing my shit with my name everywhere. 0.88

02:30:17.000 So I thought, oh, I'll get it right now so nobody uses it for sure. 0.54

02:30:19.000 Just run with that, man.

02:30:20.000 You know, that's your name, bro.

02:30:21.000 People need to follow you.

02:30:22.000 Well, my Facebook page is where I send most people to.

02:30:24.000 My facebook.com slash comicpete.

02:30:26.000 Okay, comic Pete?

02:30:27.000 Yeah, because I'd love to get up on that number because that has my global travelings.

02:30:32.000 Because coming up, England, lots of shows in England, then New Zealand Comedy Fest.

02:30:36.000 If anybody listens to Joe in New Zealand, come see me at the New Zealand Comedy Fest. 0.98

02:30:39.000 Come on, bitches. 1.00

02:30:40.000 You know, I got some New Zealand peeps up in the house. 0.98

02:30:42.000 Yeah, and my friend David Lee in Kelowna is a big fan of Joe Rogan's.

02:30:48.000 Powerful.

02:30:48.000 Told David Lee I said, what's up?

02:30:50.000 Runs an MMA gym.

02:30:51.000 What's up, David Lee?

02:30:52.000 What's up?

02:30:53.000 Thank you, everybody, for tuning in.

02:30:55.000 Thank you, everybody, for whatever. 0.96

02:30:57.000 You're fucking awesome. 0.93

02:30:58.000 You guys roll. 0.97

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 17, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #81 - Pete Johansson

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Summary

Transcript