The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #87 - Dana Dearmond

00:00:01.000 .

00:00:24.000 *crickets* *crickets*

00:00:42.000 *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

00:01:02.000 *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

00:01:20.000 *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

00:01:47.000 Let's go.

00:02:16.000 Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, lovers and children, Dana D. Armand is in the house.

00:02:23.000 Give it up for Dana.

00:02:26.000 Dana and I are e-pals.

00:02:28.000 We tweet each other back and forth, but this is our first time actually meeting each other in real life.

00:02:32.000 Cool.

00:02:32.000 You're very funny.

00:02:33.000 You say some funny shit on Twitter. 0.99

00:02:35.000 Thank you. 0.99

00:02:35.000 And you said you had a really funny thing where you broke down this Jennifer Aniston fucking, what's his name? 0.99

00:02:43.000 Adam Sandler movie. 0.95

00:02:45.000 It was really funny.

00:02:46.000 Just go with it.

00:02:47.000 If you haven't seen it, you can get it on YouTube.

00:02:49.000 It's on YouTube.

00:02:50.000 What does it say?

00:02:52.000 Just don't go with it?

00:02:53.000 Just don't go with it.

00:02:54.000 It's youtube.com.

00:02:55.000 It's really funny and really like you broke it down like a comic would break it down. 0.88

00:03:00.000 Like how ridiculous it is. 0.95

00:03:02.000 First of all, I thought it was hilarious that you said that Jennifer Aniston was the human equivalent to oatmeal. 0.98

00:03:06.000 Oatmeal.

00:03:07.000 She's so bland and like...

00:03:10.000 But that's perfect.

00:03:11.000 That is absolutely perfect.

00:03:13.000 It's like she's nutritious enough, but she's not really exciting.

00:03:14.000 I would have said like a grilled cheese sandwich.

00:03:17.000 I would have called her a grilled cheese sandwich. 0.98

00:03:19.000 But there's a grilled cheese sandwich truck.

00:03:20.000 You don't see an oatmeal truck anywhere.

00:03:23.000 Right.

00:03:23.000 No lines.

00:03:24.000 Nobody lining up for a hearty bull oats.

00:03:25.000 I would give her more credit than oatmeal is what I'm saying.

00:03:27.000 I think you're being a little unfair.

00:03:30.000 I would give her a little more than oatmeal. 0.86

00:03:32.000 But I know what you're saying.

00:03:33.000 Meh.

00:03:33.000 I got no love for Jennifer Aniston.

00:03:36.000 She's just a chick trying to get some money doing her acting thing. 1.00

00:03:40.000 And now she's got a viral Smartwater video and she's trying to be with all the YouTubers and make a viral video to advertise Smartwater.

00:03:49.000 She ain't hurting anybody.

00:03:52.000 It's easy to get caught up in hating someone for no reason.

00:03:55.000 I gotta hate somebody.

00:03:56.000 Why her? 0.99

00:03:58.000 Go after Gaddafi.

00:04:00.000 Gaddafi's gonna leave.

00:04:01.000 Or Kardashian.

00:04:02.000 Go after Kardashian.

00:04:04.000 How do you feel about that?

00:04:05.000 But then, you know, it's also, if you live in a glass house, don't throw rocks.

00:04:10.000 Right. 1.00

00:04:10.000 Dude, live your own fucking life. 1.00

00:04:12.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:04:12.000 Don't worry about it. 1.00

00:04:13.000 But you're right. 1.00

00:04:14.000 Her stuff, what she's doing, it's all like, God damn, bitch. 1.00

00:04:17.000 Don't you have enough money? 1.00

00:04:18.000 Don't you want to do something interesting now? 1.00

00:04:20.000 Everything you fucking do is like the same goddamn stupid story. 1.00

00:04:24.000 You know, there's romance. 1.00

00:04:25.000 They're the worst date movies ever. 1.00

00:04:27.000 Because if you're going on this date, if you're a guy, you're already giving in to the fact that you're doing whatever you can to fuck. 0.99

00:04:34.000 You're going to pretend to be someone you're not. 1.00

00:04:36.000 I would never ask a chick to go see some crazy fucking stupid werewolf movie if they weren't into it. 1.00

00:04:42.000 You know what I mean? 1.00

00:04:43.000 I would never. 1.00

00:04:44.000 But women can ask a guy to go see some wonky ass date night bullshit. 1.00

00:04:49.000 I'd never. 1.00

00:04:49.000 Jennifer Aniston. 1.00

00:04:50.000 God forbid.

00:04:50.000 Sandra Bullock movies.

00:04:52.000 Those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:04:52.000 I love Sandy. 1.00

00:04:54.000 Do you love Sandy?

00:04:54.000 Poor little Sandy.

00:04:56.000 You love Santa because of what happened to her?

00:04:58.000 Because we kind of look alike.

00:04:59.000 Yeah, I was just going to say.

00:05:00.000 That's exactly why, right? 0.98

00:05:01.000 I was going to bitch about No Strings Attached, too, because Natalie Portman, you have an Oscar, but still making bullshit like No Strings Attached. 1.00

00:05:09.000 Poor me. 0.97

00:05:10.000 I'm the most attractive person ever. 0.98

00:05:12.000 Me and Ashton Kutcher are going to have No Strings Attached friend sex. 0.96

00:05:16.000 Boo-hoo. 1.00

00:05:16.000 They can fuck anybody, anywhere, any day of the week, a new person every single day, and they're going to make a fucking hacky ass. 1.00

00:05:24.000 Oh, we're just going to be friends and have sex and it won't get complicated. 1.00

00:05:30.000 I wonder what's going to happen.

00:05:32.000 Do they fall in love?

00:05:33.000 What if they didn't?

00:05:34.000 If you're that girl, you have to understand what happens.

00:05:37.000 She's sitting around.

00:05:38.000 Her agent calls them.

00:05:39.000 This is what we have for you.

00:05:40.000 It's a big movie.

00:05:41.000 It's blah, blah, blah.

00:05:42.000 Everyone's all hyped on it.

00:05:43.000 And next thing you know... 0.99

00:05:44.000 Like, I've read for shit that I really, I'm happy I never got. 0.98

00:05:47.000 You just get talked into going in on these things. 0.99

00:05:49.000 Next thing you know, you're in an office.

00:05:51.000 Next thing you know, you're signing papers. 0.99

00:05:52.000 Next thing you know, you're on a movie set and you're doing this fucking terrible movie. 1.00

00:05:55.000 You know, boo-hoo, cry for you. 1.00

00:05:57.000 You know, no big deal. 1.00

00:05:58.000 But I'm just saying, they're just out there doing their shit. 1.00

00:06:01.000 She looks fantastic pregnant. 0.99

00:06:03.000 They should do that movie, though, where it's sold like that, where you know exactly what's going to happen.

00:06:07.000 They're going to fall in love and cheat, but then it's actually like he murders her and wears his body.

00:06:11.000 I love it. 0.62

00:06:12.000 He turns out to be an alien and he only wants her eggs.

00:06:14.000 I love it.

00:06:15.000 That would be a good idea for a movie.

00:06:17.000 Yeah, just flip it.

00:06:18.000 I saw, what was it called? 0.99

00:06:21.000 Bureau, what the fuck's it called? 0.99

00:06:23.000 Adjustment Bureau. 0.99

00:06:24.000 I'm so behind in movies right now.

00:06:26.000 I don't even know what this is. 0.69

00:06:26.000 It's pretty goddamn decent. 0.69

00:06:28.000 It's based on a Philip K. Dick novel, so it was really weird. 0.70

00:06:31.000 It was really trippy.

00:06:33.000 Like, really surprising. 0.99

00:06:34.000 I thought it was just going to be a typical dumb movie. 0.99

00:06:38.000 And there's a lot of dumb elements, but you kind of have to have some dumb shit in a lot of movies just to wrap up a complicated premise inside of two hours. 0.99

00:06:46.000 You know, you've got to have some... 0.99

00:06:47.000 So people are like, hey, what about that one?

00:06:50.000 It's also like, what is his motivation?

00:06:52.000 Well, he's ridiculously in love with her.

00:06:54.000 Why is this going on?

00:06:56.000 Really?

00:06:57.000 They just met.

00:06:58.000 What?

00:06:58.000 I mean, come on.

00:06:59.000 Really? 0.99

00:06:59.000 I mean, you're dwelling on this shit three years later because it's meant to be and it's all written down somewhere. 0.99

00:07:03.000 It was fascinating how they went about it. 0.98

00:07:05.000 I still rack my brain over Back to the Future, and that's from 1985. I'm like, still things bother me about it so much.

00:07:12.000 I remember almost nothing.

00:07:14.000 Like the rape part.

00:07:15.000 There was a rape in Back to the Future? 0.96

00:07:17.000 Yeah, Biff tries to rape Lorraine. 1.00

00:07:19.000 Really? 0.98

00:07:19.000 That's right. 0.98

00:07:20.000 In the alternate future, they just still have him wash his car and stuff.

00:07:25.000 You know what's weird? 0.98

00:07:26.000 That time you tried to rape me on prom night. 0.98

00:07:29.000 Like, it bothers me so much. 0.99

00:07:31.000 Really?

00:07:32.000 I never even thought about that, but yes.

00:07:33.000 But then again, I do take a lot of medicine.

00:07:36.000 Make me kind of hone in on that kind of stuff.

00:07:39.000 What about the rapes?

00:07:41.000 I don't remember anything about that movie.

00:07:43.000 You know, I'm finding as I get older, like, I've definitely used up hard drive space and deleted a lot of files.

00:07:49.000 Because I can watch movies now, and it's like I never watched them before.

00:07:52.000 I watched A Simple Mind the other day.

00:07:54.000 The Russell Crowe movie about that genius mathematician.

00:07:57.000 A Beautiful Mind.

00:07:58.000 Beautiful Mind.

00:07:58.000 Yeah.

00:07:58.000 A Simple Mind.

00:07:59.000 Beautiful Mind.

00:08:00.000 And it was... 0.99

00:08:01.000 Fucking great! 0.96

00:08:01.000 I had no idea what was going to happen. 0.96

00:08:03.000 I literally didn't remember the movie, but I know I've seen it.

00:08:06.000 I'm out of space.

00:08:08.000 I got no space, man.

00:08:09.000 That's like that social network.

00:08:10.000 That's what's going to happen with that movie to me in like 10 years.

00:08:12.000 It was a great movie, but that's not a movie you'll remember.

00:08:16.000 I didn't even see it.

00:08:17.000 There's so many movies, man. 0.97

00:08:18.000 If you really stop, you know, it's like, and I was going to ask you this because you do porn. 1.00

00:08:23.000 Like, why the fuck are they still making porn movies? 0.99

00:08:25.000 There's no way you could have seen them all! 0.99

00:08:28.000 There's no way you need a new one.

00:08:29.000 If you're really just beating off...

00:08:31.000 There's no way.

00:08:32.000 Unless you're fixating on very specific actresses, which a lot of guys do.

00:08:36.000 But if you're not, if you're just beating off, Jesus Christ, who's seen them all?

00:08:40.000 That's one thing I've noticed, though.

00:08:41.000 It is the characters.

00:08:42.000 It is you like a certain actress and you start wanting to see it. 0.99

00:08:46.000 Like, before, porn was always, to me, porn was jacking off. 0.77

00:08:49.000 But then I never really got into characters since, like, Twitter, where now I'm following people on Twitter and stuff like that. 0.84

00:08:55.000 Now I'm starting to get them, though, I want to see a movie with that person in it.

00:08:59.000 So I see that now, that Twitter's helping it out a little bit.

00:09:01.000 Yeah, that's definitely what's become.

00:09:04.000 I mean, it's become that with comics as well.

00:09:06.000 You know, it's like people reaching out, and you develop your fan base, and then you all communicate with each other, and then I guess when some dude's whacking off to you, it's much more personal, or more fun.

00:09:17.000 They kind of feel like they own you a little bit.

00:09:19.000 It's a little bit disconcerting.

00:09:21.000 Do people get douchey with you because of that?

00:09:23.000 Like, I'm a fan, like, I demand this? 1.00

00:09:25.000 Well, I mean, even, like, today coming here, people are like, is Joe Rogan gonna fuck you? 0.99

00:09:31.000 And I'm like, I'm a person! 0.99

00:09:33.000 Like, you know, like...

00:09:35.000 You have your thing.

00:09:37.000 Isn't that weird though?

00:09:38.000 You know, it's just like, this isn't a movie, this is real life and you have your real life and outside of comedy and your podcast and MMA stuff and TV and movies, you have your own personal life.

00:09:50.000 Right.

00:09:50.000 Me, outside of my Twitter feed, my bathtub thing.

00:09:57.000 What's your bathtub thing?

00:09:58.000 I just spend like five hours a day in the bathtub.

00:10:00.000 Right.

00:10:01.000 You just sit around the bathtub?

00:10:02.000 Can you not get clean enough?

00:10:04.000 Are you one of those?

00:10:05.000 No. 1.00

00:10:05.000 I've done so much porn. 1.00

00:10:07.000 I'm constantly just never, ever clean.

00:10:09.000 Do you do it on like a webcam or something?

00:10:11.000 No, I just like, you know, I'm like in the bath.

00:10:12.000 Do you just like to be in the tub? 0.83

00:10:13.000 Or in the bath.

00:10:13.000 You should do it on webcam.

00:10:14.000 Is there a psychological thing there or you just like to do it?

00:10:17.000 No, just comfortable.

00:10:18.000 Just feels good to be in the tub?

00:10:19.000 It's all warm and wet.

00:10:20.000 Yeah.

00:10:21.000 I'm not wearing clothes.

00:10:22.000 And it keeps me from eating.

00:10:24.000 Because taking food in the bathtub is gross.

00:10:27.000 Cat in the Hat did it.

00:10:28.000 You should get an isolation tank then.

00:10:29.000 That's part of the Cat in the Hat.

00:10:30.000 Oh, that would be awesome.

00:10:31.000 When the Cat in the Hat comes back, that's where he starts trouble.

00:10:33.000 He eats cake in a tub.

00:10:35.000 See?

00:10:35.000 That's where it's all downhill from there.

00:10:36.000 That motherfucker. 1.00

00:10:37.000 And he gets those little kids in trouble. 1.00

00:10:38.000 Almost.

00:10:39.000 And then he pulls it out with magic at the very end.

00:10:42.000 So yeah, most people don't eat in the bathtub.

00:10:45.000 Well, you're up to date with your cat in a hat.

00:10:46.000 That's awesome. 1.00

00:10:47.000 Cat in a hat is the shit, son. 1.00

00:10:48.000 I love this. 1.00

00:10:49.000 I have a two and a half year old.

00:10:50.000 I know, it's awesome.

00:10:51.000 She loves the cat in a hat.

00:10:52.000 And I love reading it.

00:10:53.000 I get all enthusiastic about it. 0.99

00:10:55.000 It's fucking great writing. 0.99

00:10:57.000 The cat in a hat, especially the cat in a hat comes back. 1.00

00:10:59.000 That one's the shit. 1.00

00:11:00.000 Dude, have you gotten into some Shel Silverstein yet? 1.00

00:11:02.000 No, man.

00:11:03.000 Where the sidewalk ends.

00:11:03.000 Get that.

00:11:04.000 You'll fucking love it and it'll be great. 1.00

00:11:06.000 You will read that shit and you, as a kid, that's some of that shit. 1.00

00:11:08.000 My man, the cat in the hat seems awful psychedelic. 1.00

00:11:10.000 Michelle Silverstein is.

00:11:11.000 He's got magic.

00:11:12.000 The cat in the hat's got a crazy hat and magic. 1.00

00:11:14.000 Magic. 1.00

00:11:14.000 Fuck Michelle Silverstein. 1.00

00:11:15.000 I'm not interested. 1.00

00:11:16.000 Michelle Silverstein. 1.00

00:11:17.000 Whatever the fuck you're talking about. 1.00

00:11:18.000 Michelle Silverstein. 1.00

00:11:19.000 I'm not interested, man. 0.96

00:11:20.000 You're talking nonsense.

00:11:21.000 I'm telling you about something awesome, and you're telling me about something else, and I have no idea what it is.

00:11:25.000 It's very similar.

00:11:26.000 Let's talk about what's awesome. 1.00

00:11:27.000 I don't want to hear about this shit or bullshit. 1.00

00:11:28.000 You will think it's awesome. 1.00

00:11:29.000 The cat in the hat is the shit, son! 1.00

00:11:31.000 He's a cat with a magic fucking hat. 1.00

00:11:34.000 He pulls his cat off, and there's little cat A. Little cat A pulls his hat off, and there's little cat B. Little cat C, and he gets all the way down to little cat Z, and little cat Z has Voom. 1.00

00:11:42.000 And you don't know what the fuck Voom is, but Voom fixes everything. 1.00

00:11:45.000 And when it gets down to Little Cat Z, the fucking shit hits the fan when the cat fucks everything up. 1.00

00:11:50.000 He gets the tub dirty. 1.00

00:11:52.000 He gets pink shit out in the snow and on the $10 shoes and on mom's dress. 1.00

00:11:57.000 And everything is a fucking disaster. 1.00

00:11:59.000 And he keeps pulling out little hats so other cats can help him. 1.00

00:12:02.000 And they just fuck shit up worse and worse until he gets to Little Cat Z. And Little Cat Z's got the reset switch. 0.99

00:12:08.000 He pulls out Vroom.

00:12:10.000 And Vroom just...

00:12:12.000 No matter what. 0.99

00:12:13.000 Little Cat Z is so small you can't even fucking see him. 0.99

00:12:16.000 He's not visible to the naked eye. 0.99

00:12:18.000 Okay? 1.00

00:12:19.000 So they're going macrocosm on your ass, man. 1.00

00:12:22.000 They're going quantum physics. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Alright?

00:12:24.000 That's how badass Cat in the Head is. 1.00

00:12:25.000 So fuck your stupid... 1.00

00:12:27.000 What was her name again? 1.00

00:12:28.000 It's a man.

00:12:29.000 It's Shel Silverstein. 1.00

00:12:30.000 Shel Silverstein can suck the Cat in the Head's cock. 1.00

00:12:32.000 How about that? 1.00

00:12:34.000 That's what I got to say. 1.00

00:12:36.000 The cat in the ass is a shit, son! 1.00

00:12:38.000 I need to have some kids, because I haven't read this shit in a while. 1.00

00:12:41.000 I need to read some stuff. 1.00

00:12:42.000 When you don't have kids, the idea of reading kids' cat in the ass stories sounds like fucking painful punishment. 1.00

00:12:49.000 I've been in the position where I didn't have kids, where I looked at people who had kids like, oh, you trap fuck. 1.00

00:12:54.000 Like, oh my god. 1.00

00:12:55.000 Oh, you're doomed.

00:12:56.000 You're stuck to that trip forever.

00:12:57.000 That's how I'm looking at you right now.

00:12:58.000 There's no way not to.

00:12:59.000 There's no way not to.

00:13:00.000 It's normal.

00:13:01.000 If you don't have kids, that's how it's supposed to be set up until you have them of your own.

00:13:04.000 You're supposed to complete your mission in life.

00:13:07.000 Your motivation and your goals are to be as unentangled as possible.

00:13:11.000 So when you see entanglements in other people's lives, you recognize them as disgusting things you never want to see in yourself. 0.99

00:13:17.000 That's why you see if someone's acting like an asshole or someone's acting selfish or jealous, those feelings that you get from seeing them are like, It's so gross. 0.99

00:13:24.000 That's a message to you. 1.00

00:13:26.000 You're supposed to learn from this.

00:13:27.000 You're supposed to never, ever be what that person is.

00:13:30.000 They're there for you.

00:13:31.000 When you see people with kids, if they're not yours, you get this screwy message. 1.00

00:13:35.000 You get this message of, oh, look at this poor fuck. 1.00

00:13:37.000 You think about all the worst aspects of all your relationships and how you could possibly be entangled in some other person and then there's a fucking kid who won't stop crying and, oh, you're doomed. 1.00

00:13:46.000 But when you have them, all of a sudden it's like, whoa, there's this little human and they're your little friends. 0.98

00:13:51.000 And it's you.

00:13:53.000 Like it's not really another person.

00:13:55.000 It's a part of you that's become its own individual.

00:13:59.000 You love it literally more than you love yourself. 0.99

00:14:02.000 And then reading to them and playing with them, it's fun as fuck. 0.99

00:14:06.000 It's like you got this little pal. 0.99

00:14:07.000 Like she makes me laugh all the time.

00:14:09.000 She shows me her dumps. 1.00

00:14:10.000 She takes these giant shits. 1.00

00:14:12.000 They're fucking huge. 1.00

00:14:13.000 They come out of this little tiny body. 1.00

00:14:14.000 You can't believe how big her shits are. 1.00

00:14:16.000 You should start twittering her twits. 1.00

00:14:18.000 No way.

00:14:19.000 These dudes would be jerking off to my baby shit. 1.00

00:14:21.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:14:22.000 Look at that log! 1.00

00:14:23.000 If it fits that log, it fits my cock! 1.00

00:14:26.000 No. 1.00

00:14:27.000 That's what they'd be thinking.

00:14:28.000 Oh, of course there would be.

00:14:29.000 There's at least like five guys. 1.00

00:14:30.000 If you showed how big your baby shit was, we're like, what else could I fit in that ass? 1.00

00:14:35.000 They would think about stuffing their dick in there. 1.00

00:14:36.000 I jacked off so your kids poop today, Joe. 1.00

00:14:39.000 Exactly. 0.98

00:14:39.000 There's at least one guy who's going to say that. 0.98

00:14:41.000 But she thinks it's hilarious.

00:14:43.000 She goes, I just made a poop log.

00:14:45.000 And poop is what she knows is funny because it's funny coming out of a two-year-old.

00:14:50.000 So that's like the go-to word.

00:14:52.000 You know, whenever, you know, what does it smell like?

00:14:54.000 Poop! 0.97

00:14:54.000 Everything smells like poop. 0.97

00:14:56.000 Like she'll say everything smells like poop and laugh. 0.56

00:14:58.000 That's awesome.

00:14:59.000 That's awesome.

00:15:00.000 You gotta get her in on, there's a show called Adventure Time.

00:15:02.000 I highly recommend.

00:15:04.000 I love it. 0.98

00:15:04.000 It's like a trippy show for kids, but if you're an adult, you will fucking want to get high and watch it. 0.98

00:15:10.000 Yep. 0.99

00:15:11.000 Amazing.

00:15:11.000 That's all I want to do.

00:15:12.000 Really?

00:15:15.000 And then it's like Maria Bamford's on it.

00:15:18.000 Steve Agee said that he did something on it.

00:15:20.000 Like a bunch of really talented people.

00:15:22.000 The guy that used to do Flapjack.

00:15:25.000 Flapjack got cancelled so now he's on it too. 0.66

00:15:27.000 Fucking awesome.

00:15:28.000 Would you ever do a cartoon voice? 0.96

00:15:30.000 I think that would be one of your ideal things.

00:15:33.000 I think I have.

00:15:33.000 You did Family Guy or American Dad or something like that.

00:15:37.000 I did a cartoon voice on Family Guy.

00:15:41.000 And I did... 1.00

00:15:42.000 Fuck, what else have I done with little kid shit? 1.00

00:15:45.000 I feel like I've done something before. 1.00

00:15:47.000 I've read some books.

00:15:48.000 I've read some books that became books on CD. That's cool.

00:15:51.000 A long time ago.

00:15:52.000 With Mario Lopez.

00:15:53.000 Oh, no way.

00:15:54.000 Yeah, it was kind of fun, man.

00:15:55.000 Because you're reading a kid's story.

00:15:57.000 Oh, Mario Lopez.

00:15:57.000 And you're reading, yeah, Mario.

00:15:58.000 He looks like he's played her. 1.00

00:15:59.000 Yeah, he's hot as fuck. 1.00

00:16:01.000 And I always remember, I was a little kid, to listen to a cassette of someone tell a story. 0.99

00:16:08.000 It was fucking cool. 0.81

00:16:10.000 You'd be tucked in bed, and you'd hear some really exciting story. 0.99

00:16:13.000 So it was fun.

00:16:14.000 It was fun doing that.

00:16:15.000 Speaking of Lopez, remember when we had Allison on?

00:16:17.000 She was extra behind Mario Lopez, and she was just staring at him.

00:16:21.000 She was like the Terminator with this really evil me look. 0.67

00:16:24.000 Well, she's done it again, but this time she did it even better.

00:16:27.000 At the beginning, they high-five when they come back from a commercial, Mario Lopez and her, and then she immediately goes right back into the character, and she's just staring at him down.

00:16:35.000 Why did she do that? 1.00

00:16:36.000 She overdid it this time. 0.99

00:16:38.000 Is she acting?

00:16:38.000 Yeah, she's overdoing it this time.

00:16:40.000 Just acting like...

00:16:41.000 I love it.

00:16:42.000 Just to be crazy on TV? Some people are like, what is going on with that chick?

00:16:45.000 Yeah, exactly. 1.00

00:16:46.000 That one bitch is crazy. 1.00

00:16:48.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:16:49.000 The first time I met her when she was at Bryan, she's a very nice, very nice person.

00:16:52.000 First time I met her, I'm like, dude, is that girl angry?

00:16:54.000 Like, what's going on, man?

00:16:55.000 Yeah.

00:16:55.000 I feel like, did I upset her?

00:16:56.000 Did I say something rude?

00:16:57.000 Because I don't, you know, I'm like, I don't even remember interacting.

00:17:00.000 Yeah.

00:17:01.000 She's got this mean face. 0.98

00:17:02.000 But then she's super nice.

00:17:03.000 Yeah, she's like the nicest person ever.

00:17:04.000 She just gets lost and overthought, I think, you know, like she's constantly, you know, just thinking about things and then she looks angry.

00:17:10.000 It's called winning.

00:17:14.000 Winning.

00:17:15.000 This Charlie Sheen meme has turned a corner.

00:17:17.000 It's turned a corner.

00:17:18.000 I watched the podcast and all of a sudden this is not fun anymore.

00:17:21.000 There's two.

00:17:22.000 There's three now.

00:17:23.000 But there's two different versions.

00:17:25.000 There's one where he actually tries to do a talk show.

00:17:28.000 It's very strange.

00:17:30.000 And it's very cocaine because everyone in the room is like all happy and laughing at nonsense.

00:17:36.000 And there's this one guy who won't stop playing fart sounds.

00:17:40.000 It's like, you know, he probably listened to the Howard Stern show twice and, you know, said, oh, this is probably all it takes. 0.99

00:17:46.000 You need a fucking fart board. 0.99

00:17:47.000 And this guy's blowing off farts in the background for no reason whatsoever. 1.00

00:17:50.000 And Charlie's like reading off cue cards.

00:17:53.000 Just trying to have those synapses fire in some sort of a reasonable and understandable sequence because it's just cocaine madness in that brain. 0.88

00:18:03.000 His brain is ravaged, dude.

00:18:05.000 He's got blowout holes in walls and water's leaking out. 1.00

00:18:10.000 No one knows what the fuck happens to your brain when you blow seven fucking gram rocks. 1.00

00:18:16.000 You're snorting them and smoking them for years and years. 1.00

00:18:19.000 He's fried.

00:18:20.000 He's barely trying to keep it together.

00:18:22.000 What if this is all a setup for a movie? 0.99

00:18:24.000 It would be a fucking genius movie. 0.99

00:18:27.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:27.000 Maybe not. 1.00

00:18:28.000 Maybe not.

00:18:29.000 Maybe the best movie ever.

00:18:30.000 I would never ever be on Charlie Sheen's bandwagon. 1.00

00:18:33.000 Fuck him. 1.00

00:18:34.000 Why? 1.00

00:18:34.000 Why do you say that? 1.00

00:18:35.000 Because it's just, I don't know.

00:18:36.000 That's the best way to get people mad, I think.

00:18:39.000 It's just to be like, I'm not into what you're into. 1.00

00:18:41.000 Fuck you. 1.00

00:18:42.000 Yeah, I actually have not been watching or following any of it. 1.00

00:18:45.000 I feel like there's no reward in that for me, but there's a reward in following it. 0.99

00:18:50.000 There's a reward in studying it like he's some fucking Lewis and Clark of cocaine and whores. 1.00

00:18:55.000 He's like out there in the woods and shit where Indians live. 1.00

00:18:58.000 I'll tell you, cocaine and whores have been around for a very, very long time. 1.00

00:19:02.000 I'll be very shocked if Charlie Sheen is going to discover something new about Two mil a week is how you discover something new. 0.98

00:19:08.000 He's got radical amounts of money, syndication money. 0.93

00:19:11.000 And when you have that kind of money, that's how there's dudes show up with briefcases and shit, and there's 50 girls in the room. 1.00

00:19:19.000 He's doing other level shit. 1.00

00:19:22.000 Because you're not supposed to get that rich and still have this crazy appetite for cocaine and whores. 1.00

00:19:27.000 You're not supposed to be that open about it. 0.99

00:19:29.000 You're not supposed to be that public about it.

00:19:31.000 Well, that's what's crazy.

00:19:32.000 That's exactly where TV's going. 1.00

00:19:34.000 This whole shit is the realest. 0.99

00:19:38.000 Supposedly, this is the realest you can get for reality shows now is having a Ustream channel and seeing somebody about to die. 1.00

00:19:45.000 Maybe.

00:19:46.000 You know?

00:19:46.000 Maybe.

00:19:47.000 Or the whole thing's fucking fake. 0.99

00:19:49.000 No, it's not fake, man. 0.98

00:19:50.000 And it's directed by Shel Silverstein and this is the next biggest movie ever.

00:19:54.000 Or kids.

00:19:55.000 In 3D. By Pixar.

00:19:57.000 It's so scary when you look at his body and his face, like the latest ones, the latest two.

00:20:01.000 It looks like he hasn't eaten or slept in days.

00:20:03.000 Like his skin is loose on his face.

00:20:06.000 Yeah.

00:20:06.000 He looks like an old man.

00:20:07.000 Yeah.

00:20:08.000 But it's because he's lost all this weight.

00:20:10.000 How old?

00:20:10.000 Look at him.

00:20:11.000 That looks like a skeleton.

00:20:12.000 He's only two years older than me.

00:20:13.000 And I don't know, I know I don't look like I did when I was young.

00:20:16.000 I look at myself when I was young and I'm like, wow, how weird is that?

00:20:18.000 Like, that's me.

00:20:19.000 I'm decaying.

00:20:20.000 Right.

00:20:20.000 You know, I'm like, my body's morphing and changing.

00:20:23.000 But I look better than that, dude.

00:20:25.000 Yeah.

00:20:25.000 That looks like Hugh Hefner.

00:20:26.000 Hugh Hefner, right there.

00:20:27.000 Yeah.

00:20:29.000 Yeah, that's an old man.

00:20:30.000 That's like a 60-year-old man.

00:20:31.000 By the way, we're looking on Ustream.

00:20:33.000 He has all his videos and channels.

00:20:35.000 His name is W-Y-T-R on Ustream.

00:20:40.000 It says W-Y-T-V, bro. 0.94

00:20:42.000 W-Y-T-V. I think that's just one of them. 1.00

00:20:45.000 I think you can watch the actual Charlie Sheen one on Charlie Sheen's channel.

00:20:49.000 This is the guy who's re-competent.

00:20:52.000 Oh, it is?

00:20:52.000 But this one almost has a million views.

00:20:54.000 Does it?

00:20:55.000 Yeah, this might be it.

00:20:55.000 Okay, maybe it is.

00:20:56.000 But here's what disturbs me.

00:20:57.000 Look at the pointiness of his shoulder.

00:20:59.000 Yeah.

00:21:00.000 Look at the bones.

00:21:01.000 Yeah, that's weird.

00:21:02.000 He's dying.

00:21:03.000 Yeah.

00:21:04.000 That's real.

00:21:05.000 You know?

00:21:05.000 He's dying and he's winning.

00:21:07.000 Yeah, he looks like Steve Jobs right there.

00:21:10.000 Yeah.

00:21:10.000 Does he need a liver transplant?

00:21:13.000 Yeah, maybe that's what it is. 1.00

00:21:14.000 Maybe that's why he has all those whores in his house. 1.00

00:21:16.000 He's like matching them. 1.00

00:21:17.000 He's trying to find one with the best women. 0.60

00:21:18.000 Matching their organs. 1.00

00:21:19.000 I'm on to you, bitch. 1.00

00:21:21.000 He's trying to check them out. 1.00

00:21:22.000 I used to say that about Dick Cheney.

00:21:24.000 That Dick Cheney probably has like seven Secret Service agents, but only six are real Secret Service agents.

00:21:29.000 One guy is just some dude who's got his blood type.

00:21:32.000 Yeah.

00:21:32.000 And they're just waiting for Dick Cheney to die.

00:21:34.000 So they're going to cut this dude open like a fish. 1.00

00:21:36.000 Harvest it. 0.92

00:21:37.000 We should check into that.

00:21:38.000 One guy behind them with a truck with ice in it.

00:21:39.000 He's ready to throw the heart in there while it's still beating. 1.00

00:21:42.000 What blood type are all those whores? 1.00

00:21:44.000 Do you guys know what blood type you are? 1.00

00:21:46.000 I don't even know what blood type I am.

00:21:47.000 I think I have like a cat blood type or something.

00:21:51.000 Oh, positive.

00:21:52.000 Oh, positive.

00:21:53.000 Danny D'Armond is the only one here that's not high.

00:21:55.000 She was scared.

00:21:56.000 She didn't want to go deep.

00:21:58.000 A little nervous.

00:21:59.000 I am a little nervous.

00:22:01.000 It's very hard to be in the same room with people who are professionally funny. 1.00

00:22:06.000 Because even if I'm not funny, I could just fucking open my ass and accept a huge cock. 1.00

00:22:12.000 And everything will be okay. 1.00

00:22:14.000 Things will pan out for me.

00:22:16.000 Everybody will like you.

00:22:17.000 They'll say, wow, way to go.

00:22:19.000 Yeah, because I can fall back on just being pretty is enough.

00:22:23.000 You don't have to worry about anything.

00:22:24.000 Just be yourself.

00:22:25.000 You don't have to be funny.

00:22:26.000 You don't have to be...

00:22:27.000 But I'd like to, because I'd like to be impressed.

00:22:29.000 Well, you are.

00:22:29.000 But you know what?

00:22:30.000 No more than you have to be.

00:22:31.000 The beautiful thing about this podcast, for real, is that it's like a conversation.

00:22:36.000 What people get a chance to see is you get an in on an interesting conversation.

00:22:42.000 So just be yourself.

00:22:43.000 So you're all good.

00:22:44.000 You don't have to just be funny.

00:22:45.000 Oh, thanks.

00:22:46.000 But you are.

00:22:46.000 You are funny.

00:22:47.000 And if you haven't seen that clip, it's very funny.

00:22:49.000 Have you ever thought about doing comedy?

00:22:52.000 I don't know, because it's kind of hard, because I'm already socially marginalized by being a sex worker, and then people kind of expect you to be sexy, and then I already had this conversation with Brian about female comics, and how it's like, that's already, you're kind of a rung down on the ladder, because you, you know, My boyfriend, my period, my cats, you know, kind of stuff.

00:23:21.000 And it's really hard to get out of that.

00:23:25.000 That business is very hard for women. 1.00

00:23:28.000 And somebody like me coming in, being pretty and being a porn star and having a dirty mouth or whatever, I feel like I'd be kind of painted into a certain corner of being expected to...

00:23:40.000 How can you be painted more than you are already? 0.96

00:23:42.000 I know, that's what I'm saying.

00:23:44.000 But as a porn star, how could being a female comic, which is arguably the general consensus, it would be many notches above on the social ladder. 1.00

00:23:54.000 How would it possibly fuck you up by being funny as well as doing what you already do? 0.97

00:24:00.000 Maybe I'm just afraid of failing. 0.94

00:24:02.000 I don't know.

00:24:03.000 Could be that, right?

00:24:03.000 I mean, it's very intimidating.

00:24:05.000 I do comedy bits for videos and stuff like that.

00:24:11.000 And people kind of always call me because they need a pretty girl or a naked girl or someone will do full frontal and whatever. 1.00

00:24:17.000 And I have a good sport and I get jokes and stuff like that.

00:24:21.000 But I don't know if I can just be like, here are my series of jokes and then try to change it from...

00:24:32.000 I feel like I would have to fall back on being a porn star for the basis of my comedy, which is something that is kind of counterproductive to what I do as a porn star because I sort of market myself as a girl next door and a normal person, you know?

00:24:46.000 So it would be like folded in on itself.

00:24:48.000 No, it would.

00:24:49.000 I really don't think it would because you would just be yourself on stage.

00:24:52.000 I need that noise.

00:24:53.000 You do need it, right?

00:24:55.000 You do need it.

00:24:56.000 Maybe we're not on the same level.

00:24:59.000 I think what you said earlier...

00:25:00.000 But you're right.

00:25:01.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

00:25:02.000 I don't know.

00:25:03.000 We're gonna help you. 0.98

00:25:04.000 Just reading your tweets, I think you're fucking hilarious. 0.95

00:25:06.000 And even if you just took... 0.96

00:25:07.000 What I do is I usually think of a tweet that I really like, and then I try to write a little story around that tweet, because that pretty much is the meat of the goal.

00:25:16.000 I'm sorry, what was I saying?

00:25:16.000 Open that up so we can see what we're doing, just in case.

00:25:20.000 But that's like the meat of a joke.

00:25:22.000 A tweet pretty much is the best part of a joke usually.

00:25:25.000 So I think you'd be really good at it just based on your...

00:25:28.000 What a tweet is is just 140 characters.

00:25:31.000 It's just writing material.

00:25:34.000 And not.

00:25:35.000 And not.

00:25:36.000 That's the beautiful thing about it. 0.99

00:25:37.000 Sometimes it's just whatever the fuck you think about anything. 0.98

00:25:40.000 I made a tweet last night that I was watching this Charlie Sheen thing and then he sounds like Hunter S. Thompson. 0.99

00:25:48.000 He's got this crazy nutty gonzo thing going on.

00:25:51.000 I'm like, wow, this is weird.

00:25:52.000 Now I'm stuck.

00:25:54.000 Is that like a drug thing? 0.99

00:25:56.000 It's not like you just go too far over the edge and everything's firing all fucking goofy? 0.95

00:26:01.000 Is that what it is? 0.83

00:26:02.000 Well, Charlie Sheen has been famous pretty much all his life and he was like born into a famous family too.

00:26:07.000 So I mean that kind of sets you back a little bit to begin with because you're already scrutinized and being watched pretty closely and you're in a bubble because you're rich from the moment you're born basically. 0.99

00:26:20.000 What stand-up comedy makes you do is be real as fuck. 0.99

00:26:25.000 You can't fake it. 0.99

00:26:26.000 You can't pretend something's going on that's not going on.

00:26:29.000 What's happening is happening.

00:26:31.000 When you're talking about something, you better be actually thinking about something or those little animals out there are going to smell it.

00:26:35.000 They're going to know and it's not going to work.

00:26:37.000 Like me. 1.00

00:26:38.000 Fucking happy heckler. 1.00

00:26:39.000 I'm the worst. 1.00

00:26:40.000 Yeah, you heckled Mike Young.

00:26:42.000 I know.

00:26:42.000 It was so funny, though.

00:26:44.000 It was entertaining to the 11 people that were there.

00:26:47.000 Well, listen, Mike Young needs it.

00:26:49.000 He does.

00:26:50.000 He needs it.

00:26:51.000 As long as you don't do that to anybody good.

00:26:52.000 And don't do it just because someone's bombing.

00:26:55.000 Because sometimes we bomb when we're trying to work something out.

00:26:57.000 I can tell when people are working things out.

00:27:00.000 I'm sure you can.

00:27:01.000 I'm sure you can.

00:27:02.000 You just felt insulted by what Mike Young was selling.

00:27:05.000 Yeah.

00:27:06.000 That's what it is.

00:27:06.000 I know that feeling.

00:27:07.000 He was, like, peeing on my shoes and telling me it was raining.

00:27:10.000 It was miserable.

00:27:12.000 Yeah, well, you can, you know, guys can go down a bad road, you know?

00:27:15.000 And then he was like, hey, I see you.

00:27:17.000 You have bangs.

00:27:18.000 And I was like, nailed it. 0.97

00:27:20.000 Burn. 1.00

00:27:21.000 Like, what the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:27:22.000 Yeah, man, fucking bangs. 1.00

00:27:23.000 What are you doing with those bangs? 1.00

00:27:24.000 Oh, yeah.

00:27:25.000 I'm a girl, it's allowed.

00:27:27.000 You can come do Joe's show tomorrow if you want to do a five minute set of reading your tweets.

00:27:31.000 Yeah, we're doing a show tomorrow.

00:27:32.000 Oh yeah, before I even...

00:27:33.000 This weekend is Comedy and Magic Club.

00:27:36.000 So this Friday and Saturday we're at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach.

00:27:40.000 And tickets are...

00:27:42.000 There's still some left, but not much.

00:27:44.000 And then next week, Friday night, we're going to Gotham.

00:27:49.000 It's me and the wild Jew in Gotham at...

00:27:53.000 Nice.

00:27:54.000 It's got a lot of cat hair on it.

00:27:55.000 It's feeling up a flashlight. 1.00

00:27:57.000 It's an alien pussy. 1.00

00:27:57.000 And that's next Friday night. 1.00

00:28:00.000 Yeah, and then Wednesday, tomorrow, we have Sal's...

00:28:02.000 Sal's Comedy Hole in L.A. Tom Segura, Christina, and...

00:28:06.000 A lot of people.

00:28:07.000 Eliza Schlesinger is going to be there, too.

00:28:08.000 Yeah, a lot of people going on.

00:28:09.000 It's going to be really fun. 0.99

00:28:10.000 And that's a great place to fuck around. 1.00

00:28:12.000 I came up with two new jokes last time I was there. 0.99

00:28:14.000 Really?

00:28:14.000 Just on stage.

00:28:15.000 That's awesome.

00:28:16.000 Because it's such a little intimate environment and everyone knows that you're there for that.

00:28:22.000 I do my material, but I'm really there.

00:28:25.000 I want to entertain you, but I also want to go down crazy roads and see what happens.

00:28:29.000 Completely free ball.

00:28:31.000 And you can't do that in a big crowd.

00:28:33.000 You need to do that in like an 80-seater, a 90-seater.

00:28:35.000 Then you really know what's funny and what's not.

00:28:38.000 You can't get off any tricks.

00:28:39.000 In an intimate environment, a really small room, you can't get off any tricks.

00:28:43.000 It's like it's either funny or it's not.

00:28:45.000 And it's very truthful.

00:28:48.000 And you could do that.

00:28:49.000 I'm telling you.

00:28:50.000 You could do it.

00:28:51.000 When you're talking about not wanting all these other things, like not wanting to be demeaning, you've already managed to avoid that in the most demeaning job possible.

00:28:59.000 Yeah.

00:29:00.000 Yeah, I guess I have.

00:29:01.000 Seriously.

00:29:01.000 I mean, it depends.

00:29:03.000 I don't feel like it's that demeaning.

00:29:05.000 I think there could be worse. 1.00

00:29:06.000 Fuck anyone that judges. 1.00

00:29:08.000 Anyone that judges, anybody that's not hurting anybody. 1.00

00:29:10.000 If anybody does not hurt anybody, whatever you're doing, how weird it may be, that's what makes you happy.

00:29:16.000 I'm brainwashed, or maybe I need to be rescued, or maybe I was raised improperly, or I'm some kind of a heathen or something that I need the right person to slap some sense into me because I'm being damaged.

00:29:29.000 Well, they think that because for most people that's the case.

00:29:32.000 For most people in your business, that's the case.

00:29:34.000 I mean, it's not an irrational reason for them to think that.

00:29:36.000 I mean, there's a fair percentage.

00:29:38.000 It doesn't account for all variabilities.

00:29:40.000 There's a lot more variables.

00:29:42.000 Variabilities?

00:29:43.000 There's a lot more variables.

00:29:44.000 It doesn't count for all of them. 0.98

00:29:45.000 And people can be into all kinds of things for no fucking reason. 0.82

00:29:49.000 And to say that it's all from abuse or... 0.97

00:29:51.000 So you were a happy, growing up, happy person?

00:29:54.000 Yeah, very. 0.99

00:29:56.000 You know, mom, dad, brother, cats, you know, normal shit. 1.00

00:30:01.000 Everybody just really open about sex in your house? 1.00

00:30:03.000 Like, how did you become so... 0.56

00:30:04.000 I don't know.

00:30:05.000 I was like...

00:30:06.000 I'm weird.

00:30:08.000 And I've always been weird.

00:30:10.000 Like, I asked my mom, what was I like when I was a kid?

00:30:12.000 And she was like, pretty much exactly the same way as you are now, just shorter.

00:30:15.000 And I was like, okay. 0.98

00:30:16.000 I've been like this kind of neurotic, silly person for a very long time. 0.98

00:30:21.000 And... 0.99

00:30:22.000 I never had any sex talks with my parents.

00:30:25.000 I think at a certain point they were like, it's really normal to experiment with sex and drugs, but you probably shouldn't drink.

00:30:31.000 And I was like, well, I'm going to go get drunk. 0.99

00:30:32.000 Because if my parents think that drugs and sex are cool, they must suck or be nerdy or whatever. 0.99

00:30:39.000 I kind of went Alex P. Keaton on them. 0.99

00:30:42.000 A little flip.

00:30:43.000 Man, that's something you've got to really be aware of when you're raising kids.

00:30:46.000 You can't just tell them what you want them to do.

00:30:48.000 No, you don't!

00:30:51.000 Yeah, you've got to kind of figure out a way to trick them.

00:30:54.000 Trick the little monsters. 1.00

00:30:57.000 So you just gravitated towards the alcohol to be a rebel.

00:31:01.000 Yeah, I was like a really bad drinker when I was younger, and I went through phases where I would like not drink at all, but then like pick right up and like be a drunk person until I was like 23. Wow.

00:31:12.000 Yeah, I was just like, and like sex, I mean I wasn't like super interested in it, like I had boyfriends and stuff, and like my parents never tried to make me feel bad about sex, but the men that I was with always did, like That made you feel bad about it in what way?

00:31:28.000 About how many people I've had sex with or what I'm into or whatever.

00:31:33.000 And I always found it to be pretty strange.

00:31:37.000 So I guess my parents raised me to have good ideas about sexuality.

00:31:42.000 But really, it wasn't really...

00:31:44.000 Like, laid out for me in any way.

00:31:48.000 Well, for men, you know, you want to know how many partners because then the likelihood of her leaving you becomes assessed.

00:31:53.000 Like, how long she will stick around. 0.97

00:31:55.000 That is such a sensitive thing to say, which I think is really interesting because I think that a lot of people would say, you know, to see if she's, like, a whore or slutty or if she's, like, diseased or whatever. 0.99

00:32:05.000 There's that. 0.99

00:32:06.000 Or if she's going to give me herpes. 1.00

00:32:07.000 There's that, too.

00:32:08.000 There's that feeling that she's not special.

00:32:09.000 But I think that's pretty...

00:32:11.000 Pretty interesting.

00:32:12.000 I think a girl that's been around is very special. 1.00

00:32:14.000 Yeah, well, what the fuck? 1.00

00:32:16.000 You're an accumulation of all your experiences. 1.00

00:32:19.000 Sexual or otherwise. 1.00

00:32:21.000 Whatever the fuck you want to do. 1.00

00:32:22.000 The only problem is you find out about trains that were run on her. 1.00

00:32:27.000 How many times? 1.00

00:32:28.000 Damn, bitch. 1.00

00:32:29.000 How many gang bangs? 1.00

00:32:30.000 Three? 1.00

00:32:31.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:32:31.000 Then you start thinking, how can I ever think that sex is special between us? 1.00

00:32:38.000 How can I ever think that this is worthy of my love?

00:32:44.000 It's not what I see in the movies.

00:32:46.000 It's not what I see in Sandra Bullock's movies. 0.98

00:32:48.000 Sandra Bullock never gets a train run on her. 1.00

00:32:50.000 She doesn't go to work and get fucked in the ass and then come home and want to cuddle with you. 1.00

00:32:54.000 She has an Oscar, so she could fucking do whatever now. 1.00

00:32:57.000 No, not for a woman. 0.99

00:32:59.000 She can go full. 0.98

00:33:00.000 They can vanish.

00:33:01.000 She's on the verge of vanishing already. 1.00

00:33:03.000 She's 40 years old, 43 years old or something like that.

00:33:06.000 Oh, she's so cute. 0.99

00:33:06.000 She is very cute, but I mean, you're not going to want to see her as she's 60 in a romantic comedy about a woman trying to find her way and she coaches a bunch of black guys that are playing football and she learns valuable life lessons. 0.99

00:33:16.000 Well, I mean, she kind of went like MILF in that Blindside movie. 1.00

00:33:19.000 She was a little bit of a mom, not like a girlfriend or a sexy boss. 1.00

00:33:26.000 Yeah.

00:33:27.000 It's so funny how we identify with someone who's going through some crazy marital strife on television.

00:33:33.000 She doesn't deserve that.

00:33:34.000 She seems nice enough.

00:33:35.000 But I do wonder why she was married to that Jesse James fella. 0.96

00:33:38.000 He's completely tattooed all over the place.

00:33:41.000 What is that about?

00:33:42.000 I never really understood that.

00:33:43.000 Is that like they both enjoy cocaine or something?

00:33:46.000 I think he's a charmer.

00:33:48.000 There's some guys that are charmers.

00:33:50.000 And I think he was very obsessed with being famous.

00:33:53.000 Listen to me. 0.99

00:33:53.000 I'm like, I'm fucking Nancy Grace. 0.99

00:33:56.000 What we have here is a charmer. 1.00

00:33:59.000 He's a bullshit artist, and he's getting this girl to believe him. 1.00

00:34:05.000 Now we have a dead baby in Florida. 1.00

00:34:08.000 That's all that bitch talks about. 1.00

00:34:10.000 There's a dead baby in Florida, and Nancy Grace is on that shit. 1.00

00:34:13.000 You will look for this story on CNN.com. 1.00

00:34:15.000 You will find nothing.

00:34:17.000 Here we have the mother come home from work, buy cigarettes with the baby in the car. 0.94

00:34:23.000 I know, I love it.

00:34:25.000 She hates Casey Anthony so much.

00:34:28.000 Who's Casey Anthony?

00:34:28.000 She killed her daughter Kaylee Anthony in Florida.

00:34:30.000 Why would she hate her?

00:34:31.000 She seems cool.

00:34:32.000 No, but the thing is, she's not ever trying to present herself as an impartial news person.

00:34:37.000 She's like, and Casey Anthony, they will figure out the truth about you because you murdered your baby. 0.96

00:34:42.000 She was like, what?

00:34:44.000 I said he's a Freudian right there.

00:34:46.000 She's totally biased. 1.00

00:34:47.000 Well, she's not supposed to be a news person.

00:34:50.000 She's like a discussion person.

00:34:51.000 She's a former prosecutor.

00:34:53.000 That's the interesting part of her case.

00:34:56.000 She's got it figured out.

00:34:57.000 The crazy thing is when she's talking about Tiger Woods.

00:35:00.000 Like, whoa, whoa, whoa. 1.00

00:35:02.000 Settle the fuck down, Hooker. 1.00

00:35:03.000 I thought you were all about dead babies in Florida. 1.00

00:35:05.000 What are you doing about black athletes that like to fuck? 1.00

00:35:08.000 Like, really? 1.00

00:35:09.000 You're going to spend three weeks working on black athletes that want to fuck. 1.00

00:35:13.000 Like, really? 1.00

00:35:14.000 Hmm.

00:35:15.000 Who are these girls? 1.00

00:35:18.000 Where do they come from?

00:35:20.000 How did they get his phone number?

00:35:24.000 Well, Nancy Grace. 1.00

00:35:26.000 Nancy Grace would love some black cock. 1.00

00:35:27.000 He probably gave it to them. 1.00

00:35:28.000 If anybody could use some black cock, it's Nancy Grace. 1.00

00:35:30.000 I could see her enjoying it. 1.00

00:35:32.000 Couldn't you?

00:35:33.000 I'd pay for that.

00:35:33.000 I could see her enjoying it.

00:35:35.000 I could see her getting stuffed. 1.00

00:35:36.000 Somebody just finally fucking treating her like she's really sexual and hot for the first time in 20, 30 years. 1.00

00:35:44.000 Ugh, she'd get into it. 1.00

00:35:45.000 Big man, dingo, ebony, sward. 0.86

00:35:48.000 Sward? 0.91

00:35:49.000 Yes.

00:35:50.000 Enunciated the W? Sward. 0.81

00:35:53.000 Oh, you're such a dad. 1.00

00:35:56.000 See, that's fucking comedy right there. 1.00

00:35:59.000 That's timing. 1.00

00:36:00.000 You could totally be a stand-up comedian.

00:36:02.000 Dude, you could totally do it, I'm telling you.

00:36:04.000 We're the same. 0.93

00:36:05.000 Comics and porn stars are very, very similar. 0.98

00:36:09.000 We all come from some fucking weird place where we didn't get what we were supposed to get when we were young, and there's a hole. 0.99

00:36:16.000 And you fill that hole up however you want, with jokes or with dicks. 0.99

00:36:20.000 It's the same thing. 0.99

00:36:22.000 There's room for both.

00:36:23.000 My whole thing.

00:36:24.000 Yeah, I'm telling you, you could do it. 0.99

00:36:25.000 You could fit hands in there and shit. 0.99

00:36:27.000 I can. 0.99

00:36:28.000 People can clap.

00:36:30.000 You got five minutes tomorrow at Sal's Comedy Hole.

00:36:32.000 Oh my gosh.

00:36:33.000 You don't have to do it.

00:36:34.000 No pressure.

00:36:35.000 You don't want to...

00:36:35.000 Look what happened with her with drinking.

00:36:38.000 You can't do that, dude.

00:36:39.000 You can't push her in a direction.

00:36:41.000 She's going to push back. 1.00

00:36:42.000 She's going to take your bullshit. 1.00

00:36:44.000 He's reverse psychology-ing me. 1.00

00:36:46.000 Yeah, man. 1.00

00:36:47.000 He's fucking trying to trick you. 0.99

00:36:48.000 I saw the funniest photo of you. 1.00

00:36:49.000 She has, by the way, she has an obsession with trannies. 1.00

00:36:53.000 Like, she is addicted to trannies. 1.00

00:36:55.000 Drag queens. 0.99

00:36:55.000 I saw this one with this big black... 0.99

00:36:58.000 Giant! 0.88

00:36:58.000 She was like 7'2", 7'4", or something. 0.88

00:37:01.000 She was giant!

00:37:03.000 I like how you say she...

00:37:05.000 She was a huge girl.

00:37:07.000 She? 0.98

00:37:07.000 It's so funny. 0.98

00:37:08.000 How is it she?

00:37:09.000 Was that even a turn-on? 1.00

00:37:10.000 I just thought she was really owning her shit. 1.00

00:37:14.000 She was just working the room. 0.99

00:37:17.000 I'm 5'8", and I feel like I'm a little bit too tall.

00:37:20.000 You're 5'8"?

00:37:21.000 Do you feel tranny-like sometimes? 0.97

00:37:23.000 Yeah, I'm in touch with my inner tranny, my masculine-feminine side. 1.00

00:37:31.000 Do they have a pussy boner? 1.00

00:37:33.000 It's a fem bone. 1.00

00:37:35.000 Fem bone? 1.00

00:37:35.000 Or les bone. 1.00

00:37:36.000 Depends what it's for.

00:37:37.000 Yeah.

00:37:38.000 I don't know.

00:37:39.000 What is that?

00:37:40.000 I don't know.

00:37:40.000 Just making up words.

00:37:41.000 What the fuck are you guys talking about? 1.00

00:37:43.000 No, but I'm... 1.00

00:37:43.000 Why is it a terrible time to get your balls caught in your pants and you have to adjust? 1.00

00:37:47.000 This conversation is going on. 0.97

00:37:48.000 I'm like, the last thing I want is anybody to think that I'm getting hard right now. 0.99

00:37:51.000 But I'm shifting in my pants because I'm sitting on my balls. 0.98

00:37:55.000 It's like a Larry David pants bow. 0.98

00:37:56.000 Here, I'll put a black bar over that. 0.99

00:37:57.000 You're talking about like femme boner something and I'm like, god damn it. 0.99

00:38:01.000 I do have to adjust my balls. 0.99

00:38:02.000 I'm just kind of... 0.99

00:38:04.000 What terrible timing.

00:38:05.000 I'm very obsessed with RuPaul's Drag Race.

00:38:07.000 I've been watching it for all three seasons and I really like the drag queens.

00:38:10.000 I used to hang out with drag queens a lot when I lived in Florida. 0.96

00:38:12.000 What's the obsession?

00:38:13.000 Do you find it cool or it's interesting aesthetically?

00:38:16.000 When people are just really being themselves, even if it means dressing as a different gender or whatever, it's just because that's what they feel and it's very ambiguous and I really like that.

00:38:26.000 Why not, right? 0.97

00:38:27.000 Yeah, why the fuck not? 0.99

00:38:28.000 I used to go out pulling drag looks with drag queens in Florida and I blended in with them. 1.00

00:38:35.000 Because they thought you were a big woman. 1.00

00:38:38.000 Yeah, they thought I was like a dude dressed as a woman. 1.00

00:38:40.000 A girl dressed as a dude dressed as a girl. 0.99

00:38:42.000 Like, it's some pretty next level Inception type of shit. 1.00

00:38:46.000 It's the next level shit. 1.00

00:38:48.000 Yeah, your hands are too small and your feet are too small. 1.00

00:38:51.000 My arms are too short.

00:38:53.000 If you were a dude, you were really one of those people that were supposed to be born a woman.

00:38:56.000 Yes.

00:38:56.000 You know?

00:38:57.000 Wow.

00:38:57.000 That would be the worst.

00:38:58.000 It's way better to be a woman who looks like, might be a tranny, than a dude who looks like a woman. 1.00

00:39:04.000 But those trannies that are like the girl, their jeans are just messed up and they just ended up with a dick, but they're really more women. 1.00

00:39:13.000 Right. 1.00

00:39:13.000 They have a whole different... 1.00

00:39:15.000 If they want to do tranny porn, it's very niche in that they look more like women than someone that maybe started transitioning later in life or that was more masculine. 0.97

00:39:24.000 Right. 0.99

00:39:25.000 And so it opens their door to be the best transsexual prostitute or porn star or whatever. 1.00

00:39:31.000 They could really cash in on that. 1.00

00:39:34.000 If people really want to make their sex an issue.

00:39:36.000 But you've got to keep taking that deeper and deeper.

00:39:39.000 How can you be the best?

00:39:41.000 Is it possible to compete?

00:39:43.000 Who's the best tranny? 1.00

00:39:45.000 Yeah, they have tranny awards. 0.95

00:39:46.000 Bailey J got the best transsexual performer. 0.99

00:39:49.000 Do you follow the trannies? 1.00

00:39:51.000 I do!

00:39:51.000 They follow me!

00:39:53.000 Please follow me, and I follow them back, and a lot of times they fool me, and I think they're just hot girls. 1.00

00:39:59.000 They're probably just happy that someone accepts them.

00:40:02.000 Why shouldn't anybody accept them, Joe Rogan?

00:40:05.000 You're right.

00:40:06.000 Exactly.

00:40:06.000 I think there's a broad spectrum of human behavior.

00:40:08.000 We learned something here today.

00:40:09.000 There's a huge spectrum, and all I care about is who's nice to it. 0.94

00:40:12.000 People thought they were going to hear about that fighting stuff, or fucking stuff, and we're teaching people real values. 0.88

00:40:20.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:40:21.000 Well, that's what this thing is about.

00:40:24.000 This is just a conversation.

00:40:25.000 Yes.

00:40:26.000 You know?

00:40:27.000 It's so easy to judge people.

00:40:29.000 We are some moral, valuable, good family values.

00:40:32.000 Well, it's easy to get confused and we naturally gravitate towards teams. 0.98

00:40:35.000 And if you're not on team dressed like a guy, all of a sudden there's something fucked up about you. 0.99

00:40:40.000 But if you're a fucking guy who really loves dressing like a chick... 1.00

00:40:44.000 Who the fuck am I? Who's anybody to say there's something wrong with that? 1.00

00:40:47.000 I kind of dress like a guy, and I'm a lady.

00:40:48.000 Why not?

00:40:49.000 Girls dress like guys all the time, and I never have a problem with it. 0.99

00:40:52.000 I mean, I don't want to dress like a woman, but I don't give a shit if you do. 1.00

00:40:55.000 Every time. 1.00

00:40:56.000 Hillary Swank's hot. 1.00

00:40:57.000 Who?

00:40:58.000 Hillary Swank? 0.92

00:40:59.000 I think she's hot. 1.00

00:40:59.000 Every time I dress like a guy, someone goes, you look like Hillary Swank. 1.00

00:41:02.000 I think she's hot. 1.00

00:41:03.000 I'm dressed like a dude.

00:41:04.000 I've heard dudes say that they think she looks like a man. 0.91

00:41:07.000 I'm like, I don't know.

00:41:08.000 Maybe you need to get a certain amount of man in you.

00:41:11.000 You need to be a certain amount of masculine to appreciate a beauty like Hilary Swank, which is a little on the manly side.

00:41:17.000 I've never even thought of that before.

00:41:18.000 Strong jawline.

00:41:19.000 You need to be more masculine than her.

00:41:21.000 Handsome woman. 1.00

00:41:21.000 Yeah, you don't want to be like a frail man and you want to fuck Hilary Swank. 1.00

00:41:24.000 She'll mount you and ground and pound you. 1.00

00:41:27.000 I feel like I am actually probably more masculine than Hilary Swank, the person. 1.00

00:41:32.000 I would have to see the two of you together, because when you see someone in real life, people always tell me when they meet me, God damn, you're so fucking short. 0.98

00:41:37.000 I never thought you were that short in real life. 0.99

00:41:39.000 No, it's true.

00:41:39.000 How tall are you?

00:41:40.000 5'8".

00:41:41.000 But on TV, you look big.

00:41:44.000 You're on television, and then these people meet me, and they're towering over me. 0.96

00:41:47.000 You meet a guy who's like 6'4", and they're like, oh, I thought you were fucking taller.

00:41:50.000 You don't know what anybody's like until you actually meet them. 0.56

00:41:54.000 I've met celebrities that I thought were these big people, and they're these little tiny people.

00:42:00.000 And look at Conan O'Brien.

00:42:01.000 I never knew he was that tall.

00:42:03.000 He's so gigantic.

00:42:04.000 Yeah, he's very tall.

00:42:05.000 Which I'm sure makes it awkward when he does his show because he towers over all these people and he wants to be unassuming.

00:42:12.000 It's an interesting thing.

00:42:13.000 So who's more manly, you or Hillary Swine? 1.00

00:42:15.000 She'd have to be sitting right next to you. 1.00

00:42:17.000 Probably me. 0.99

00:42:17.000 Because when she did Million Dollar Baby and she played the boxer, she looked pretty fucking manly. 0.99

00:42:21.000 But she's an actress. 1.00

00:42:22.000 But she was yoked. 0.63

00:42:23.000 Do you remember that?

00:42:24.000 I could work out if I didn't love not working out so much.

00:42:27.000 Right, but she already did it. 1.00

00:42:29.000 She already did it, so I'm pretty sure she's more masculine than you. 1.00

00:42:31.000 I don't know.

00:42:32.000 Look, if you were together, right next to each other, and she... 0.93

00:42:35.000 Just because I was buff doesn't mean they're, like, masculine. 0.99

00:42:37.000 The fuck it doesn't. 0.99

00:42:38.000 Yeah, it does. 1.00

00:42:38.000 It's all directly related to how difficult it would be to rape you. 1.00

00:42:41.000 That's exactly what it's like. 0.99

00:42:43.000 That's what it is. 0.99

00:42:44.000 If you look like you'd be a tangle, like goddamn, I can't even get hard because I gotta fight for my life here. 0.99

00:42:49.000 I'm feisty. 0.99

00:42:50.000 If a man feels like he could just absolutely run away with you, like grab you and just manhandle you. 1.00

00:42:54.000 But I've done porn and I've tortured people on their balls. 1.00

00:42:56.000 I don't think I would have any problem trying to punch someone in the face or rip their eyes out or kick them in the dick or something. 1.00

00:43:02.000 Of course you would. 1.00

00:43:03.000 Because I've been very aggressively sexual towards men and shame them.

00:43:07.000 Right. 0.90

00:43:07.000 So, I feel like that would be an advantage over a rapist. 0.90

00:43:12.000 Rapists, nobody tried to rape me because I can kick your dick in balls. 1.00

00:43:16.000 All I'm saying, all I'm saying is... 1.00

00:43:17.000 Why are you trying to get people to rape me? 0.98

00:43:19.000 I'm not saying... 0.98

00:43:20.000 You know your followership.

00:43:21.000 You know them.

00:43:22.000 No.

00:43:23.000 Please don't rape Dana. 1.00

00:43:24.000 There, I said it.

00:43:25.000 Please.

00:43:26.000 And if you're thinking about it, please stop thinking about it.

00:43:28.000 That's not what I'm saying.

00:43:29.000 What I'm saying is, that's when a woman becomes manly looking. 0.99

00:43:33.000 Rape is so rude. 1.00

00:43:34.000 It's very rude.

00:43:36.000 It's very, right?

00:43:37.000 It's so inconsiderate.

00:43:38.000 It's so inconsiderate. 1.00

00:43:40.000 I want to fuck you even if you don't want it. 1.00

00:43:41.000 This girl I was talking to the other day, she said she was raped twice. 1.00

00:43:46.000 And I'm like, which one was the better one? 0.66

00:43:49.000 Oh no!

00:43:51.000 Dude, write that down!

00:43:52.000 Write that down.

00:43:53.000 That's a bit.

00:43:54.000 That's a bit.

00:43:55.000 I was like, if you had to choose one, which one was better?

00:43:57.000 You gotta do that tomorrow night at Sal's.

00:43:59.000 100%.

00:44:00.000 That is a bit.

00:44:01.000 No doubt about it.

00:44:01.000 That's really funny.

00:44:02.000 I think it's really funny because some people on the BTS of porn movies, they'll try to be like, when did you lose your virginity? 0.92

00:44:09.000 And some people just full on is like, how old were you the first time you were raped? 0.96

00:44:11.000 Did you say BTS? Yeah, the behind the scenes footage of the movies.

00:44:13.000 Oh, okay.

00:44:14.000 Oh, I didn't know that.

00:44:14.000 Industry talk.

00:44:15.000 Yeah, sorry.

00:44:17.000 That's one for our side.

00:44:19.000 I wasn't even going to ask because I thought you were saying...

00:44:22.000 I thought you were saying like a message board, like a BBS, a bulletin board.

00:44:25.000 Like the little behind the scenes footage.

00:44:27.000 People are like, Do they show you guys, like, douching and cleaning your bundles out?

00:44:32.000 I always try to trick people into, like, watching me pee and douche and stuff because they're not really supposed to film, like, peeing.

00:44:39.000 No?

00:44:39.000 Because, like, the distributors have, like, a problem with it.

00:44:42.000 Well...

00:44:43.000 It might be.

00:44:43.000 I think it is.

00:44:44.000 Like, peeing on people is some places obscene, but I did a movie called Girls Live for Vividal, directed by Ian McKay, and it had a girl taking a pregnancy test and she peed on it on the toilet and they can show it because it's, like, in a...

00:44:57.000 Medical environment.

00:44:59.000 Yeah, like a normal environment.

00:45:00.000 Like pee-pee goes in the toilet, not in Dana's mouth. 0.92

00:45:04.000 That's what you think. 0.93

00:45:06.000 I saw a guy piss in someone's mouth live.

00:45:08.000 It was really funny.

00:45:08.000 I think it's funny.

00:45:09.000 I think it's more hilarious than anything. 0.99

00:45:13.000 Somebody, like, they want to jack off to the movies and they want to see naked people and they want to see some weird shit, but then they also kind of want to laugh, I think. 0.98

00:45:20.000 But I saw this at a rock and roll show. 0.99

00:45:23.000 It was a guy that used to do it called Extreme Elvis.

00:45:26.000 Oh, yeah, I've met him.

00:45:27.000 I've met him, yeah.

00:45:28.000 He's buddies with Doug Stanhope, and Doug was opening up for him at this bar.

00:45:32.000 The guy goes up there. 1.00

00:45:33.000 He's fat as fuck. 1.00

00:45:34.000 And he's a really good singer. 1.00

00:45:35.000 He's really good.

00:45:36.000 And the band is tight.

00:45:38.000 It's not just a bizarro show.

00:45:40.000 And then the guy takes his clothes off and he has a micro phallus.

00:45:44.000 A complete micro phallus.

00:45:46.000 I mean, it's to the point where people are laughing hysterically.

00:45:49.000 I believe it's still up on my website. 1.00

00:45:50.000 I believe I took a picture of his dick. 1.00

00:45:53.000 And he's pissing in this woman's mouth. 1.00

00:45:55.000 He goes, who wants to drink the King's piss? 0.99

00:45:57.000 This girl goes, I do, I do.

00:45:58.000 And she gets her knee and I took pictures of the whole thing. 0.97

00:46:00.000 I took pictures of him pissing in her mouth, pissing in a glass. 0.92

00:46:04.000 She drinks the glass. 1.00

00:46:05.000 Like it is fucking crazy. 1.00

00:46:08.000 He climbs off stage and he's in the crowd and some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass. 1.00

00:46:12.000 He can, like, pee on Q. Yeah. 1.00

00:46:14.000 Some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass, and he goes, that's the wrong hole. 1.00

00:46:18.000 It's right here. 1.00

00:46:19.000 Get it right here. 0.99

00:46:19.000 Like, he helps her stuff this beer bottle up his ass, and she panics and just drops the bottle. 0.99

00:46:24.000 Wow. 0.99

00:46:24.000 Like, she panicked. 0.99

00:46:25.000 Like, she thought she would stick her beer bottle up this guy's ass, and he would freak out. 1.00

00:46:29.000 Like, hey, what the fuck? 1.00

00:46:30.000 Right. 1.00

00:46:30.000 But he goes, you're getting the wrong hole, honey. 1.00

00:46:31.000 It's right here.

00:46:32.000 I'll guide you in there. 1.00

00:46:32.000 And he starts helping her stick a fucking beer bottle up his asshole. 1.00

00:46:36.000 Like, that's how deep this guy's ready to go. 1.00

00:46:39.000 Yeah.

00:46:39.000 So I run into him.

00:46:40.000 I mean, I think that's art.

00:46:41.000 I run into him at the Paul Provenza show.

00:46:45.000 I run into him at the Paul Provenza show, and now he's no longer Extreme Albus.

00:46:48.000 I think he's clean and sober now. 0.98

00:46:50.000 He used to get hammered as fuck before he did that show. 0.96

00:46:54.000 I've talked to him before. 0.97

00:46:55.000 I've met him before a while ago, like at the Bright Spot or something.

00:46:58.000 And I was talking on the Paul Provenza show about a guy that I used to know who was a male feminist.

00:47:04.000 That's how he would describe himself, as a male feminist. 0.86

00:47:06.000 And it was just this really sad, weak guy.

00:47:10.000 Yeah, it seemed kind of like subby.

00:47:12.000 Yeah, it was very subby.

00:47:13.000 And he was this guy, like a bag of jello as a human being.

00:47:17.000 He was just like...

00:47:18.000 And eventually she left him. 0.99

00:47:20.000 So anyway, I was mocking this whole idea of like, how the fuck could you be a male feminist? 0.98

00:47:24.000 And after I get off stage, he goes, well, I'm a male feminist. 0.98

00:47:27.000 And I'm like, oh, wow.

00:47:29.000 I would love to debate you on that.

00:47:30.000 Like, we should do this on TV. I'm like, you just said it.

00:47:33.000 You just said exactly what I said. 0.97

00:47:34.000 Like, a fleshy ball of jello with a microphallus and you're a male feminist. 1.00

00:47:40.000 Well, of course you are. 1.00

00:47:41.000 He looks like a fat lady. 1.00

00:47:43.000 Basically. 0.99

00:47:44.000 No offense. 1.00

00:47:45.000 You're a bad motherfucker at what you do when you do that crazy Elvis thing. 1.00

00:47:49.000 But talking about being a feminist, be whatever the fuck you want to be. 1.00

00:47:53.000 But you can't tell me it's not ridiculous. 1.00

00:47:55.000 You're really into the female of the species? 1.00

00:47:58.000 You're really thinking of them first? 1.00

00:48:00.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:48:00.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:48:01.000 How about being a goddamn human? 1.00

00:48:02.000 How about being a human across the board sexually? 1.00

00:48:05.000 Whether it's male, female, gay, straight, tranny. 1.00

00:48:07.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:48:08.000 How about being across the board? 1.00

00:48:10.000 Not a fucking feminist, you dumbass. 1.00

00:48:12.000 You can't defend that. 1.00

00:48:13.000 You only want to help women? 1.00

00:48:15.000 You only want to promote women? 1.00

00:48:16.000 You fucking weak bitch! 1.00

00:48:18.000 That's weak shit. 1.00

00:48:19.000 That's weak. 1.00

00:48:20.000 I don't even call myself a feminist. 0.93

00:48:22.000 It's nonsense.

00:48:22.000 I would say, like, I'm not not a feminist.

00:48:24.000 It's fucking nonsense. 0.99

00:48:25.000 Because there's certain things I can get on board with and whatever. 0.99

00:48:28.000 But, you know, there's so many different ways of feminism that people come behind you and just be like, ah. 1.00

00:48:32.000 And just grouping everything together is stupid to begin with. 1.00

00:48:35.000 Yes, all groups are stupid. 1.00

00:48:37.000 You know, all of it. 1.00

00:48:37.000 Anything where you're looking out for one... 1.00

00:48:39.000 I mean... 0.98

00:48:40.000 You can't fucking fix the world. 0.91

00:48:42.000 I mean, there's some things that you have to have. 0.97

00:48:43.000 Like, you have to have some sort of a group that's there to investigate claims of racism when it comes to jobs and stuff like that. 0.90

00:48:49.000 I mean, you have to have some groups, but as little as possible, goddammit. 0.99

00:48:54.000 Group sex. 0.99

00:48:54.000 That's good. 0.99

00:48:55.000 Sure.

00:48:55.000 Yeah.

00:48:56.000 As little as possible. 0.99

00:48:58.000 As little goddamn groups as possible. 0.99

00:49:00.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:00.000 That's the key. 0.99

00:49:01.000 You know? 0.99

00:49:02.000 People get on fucking team mentality mode, and they start just going after, I'm on team straight. 0.99

00:49:07.000 I'm on Team Queer. 1.00

00:49:09.000 I'm on this.

00:49:10.000 I'm on that.

00:49:11.000 They can't help it.

00:49:12.000 I like it.

00:49:12.000 I like it all.

00:49:14.000 Everybody's got to lighten the fuck up.

00:49:16.000 Right, Dana?

00:49:17.000 Yes.

00:49:18.000 Isn't that the key to this world?

00:49:20.000 When people say that weed could fix the world, that's like for real. 0.98

00:49:24.000 It sounds silly. 1.00

00:49:26.000 It sounds silly coming from a fucking comedian and a porn star and a video comedian. 1.00

00:49:31.000 But we keep it real, obviously. 0.99

00:49:33.000 So maybe people will listen to us because maybe we're a little bit more informed.

00:49:37.000 I read this post on a message board the other day about this dude who talked about he had smoked pot for the first time in like seven years.

00:49:43.000 And he was absolutely terrified to his core.

00:49:46.000 And then it brought up all these crazy thoughts of childhood and he could not handle it.

00:49:51.000 And it opened up this fascinating discussion.

00:49:53.000 Because, you know, some people were saying that's normal. 0.99

00:49:56.000 Some people were saying, well, you got some shit you got to deal with. 1.00

00:49:58.000 There's some fucking with you in the back of your head. 1.00

00:49:59.000 In your sober life, you're not addressing it. 1.00

00:50:02.000 But...

00:50:02.000 That's why weed is good for you.

00:50:05.000 You're supposed to look at everything all the time, and a lot of us don't. 1.00

00:50:09.000 We like to bury shit in the back of our head and try not to dress whatever's fucking with us, and weed just turns a light on that shit. 0.99

00:50:15.000 Whatever you have in your life that's fucking with you, that you're trying to put deep into your subconscious, marijuana does not allow that. 1.00

00:50:22.000 It doesn't allow it. 0.91

00:50:23.000 So people say, oh, it makes me paranoid. 1.00

00:50:25.000 No, no, it's making you think about the shit you need to be thinking about. 1.00

00:50:28.000 You should be fucking paranoid. 1.00

00:50:30.000 You should be aware of how vulnerable you are. 1.00

00:50:32.000 The world is very fucked up. 1.00

00:50:33.000 Yes! 0.99

00:50:35.000 I had to, like, move because people were stealing my mail when I lived in Silver Lake.

00:50:39.000 I had to, like, move to a high-security building.

00:50:41.000 I couldn't deal.

00:50:41.000 Because they knew where you were?

00:50:42.000 Yeah.

00:50:43.000 Fans?

00:50:43.000 Like, that's...

00:50:44.000 And I was like, I did think I was paranoid, but I was like, no, these people are for real, like, know who I am, and it's kind of trippy.

00:50:50.000 Did you have a happy childhood, you think?

00:50:51.000 Oh yeah, absolutely.

00:50:54.000 Really?

00:50:54.000 My parents were involved in everything.

00:50:57.000 PTA, Girl Scouting, I was a figure skater.

00:51:00.000 Did you say finger skating?

00:51:03.000 How do your parents deal with what you do now?

00:51:08.000 I don't know.

00:51:10.000 I don't know if they deal with it.

00:51:12.000 I don't know.

00:51:12.000 It's not really something that's a non-issue.

00:51:16.000 It's a non-issue?

00:51:17.000 Yeah.

00:51:18.000 Really?

00:51:18.000 They're like, no big deal.

00:51:19.000 You're just having sex on film. 0.99

00:51:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:51:21.000 Wow. 1.00

00:51:21.000 That's fascinating. 1.00

00:51:22.000 Pretty much.

00:51:23.000 Well, they also see that I have a reasonable amount of following and fan base and people who appreciate what I contribute to the porn industry besides just being like...

00:51:35.000 Just your personality. 0.54

00:51:36.000 Three wormholes and a bunch of fake hair.

00:51:39.000 It's, you know, just...

00:51:41.000 So you contribute being your personality and your sense of humor?

00:51:45.000 Yeah, yeah, definitely.

00:51:47.000 But my parents respect my decisions, which is maybe kind of a very foreign concept for most people.

00:51:54.000 It is, for a lot of people.

00:51:55.000 Because people's parents tend to, you know, tell them what to do.

00:51:59.000 And my parents are opposite.

00:52:01.000 They told me, like...

00:52:02.000 Were they religious at all?

00:52:03.000 No.

00:52:04.000 Well, that's the reason.

00:52:05.000 My parents are religious.

00:52:06.000 What is their background?

00:52:08.000 Oh, man.

00:52:10.000 My grandmother is from Germany.

00:52:12.000 And I don't think that my mom was raised with a religion.

00:52:14.000 My grandmother is like a new agey. 0.96

00:52:16.000 What does your dad do for a living?

00:52:17.000 Whatever. 1.00

00:52:18.000 My dad does kind of weird shit. 0.99

00:52:21.000 He works at a catering company now. 0.99

00:52:24.000 But he was like an on-site security manager of a storage facility.

00:52:29.000 Yeah.

00:52:29.000 He used to be a CEO of a software company, and he quit that to be a fish farmer, and then he went to ranch cattle in Oklahoma.

00:52:37.000 My dad is just kind of all over the place.

00:52:39.000 Wow.

00:52:40.000 That's kind of cool, though.

00:52:41.000 My dad is kind of a genius at all sorts of things, but for that amount of time.

00:52:48.000 Oh, he gets bored.

00:52:49.000 Yeah, he's like turbo thruster.

00:52:51.000 Why not, man? 0.97

00:52:52.000 Shouldn't you be able to just fucking change careers in your life? 0.99

00:52:55.000 My dad does it all the time. 0.99

00:52:56.000 My mom works at A company that makes stuff to blow up brown people in Florida. 1.00

00:53:05.000 Wow.

00:53:05.000 Like a missile company?

00:53:07.000 Like some...

00:53:07.000 Arms?

00:53:08.000 Some form of arms?

00:53:10.000 Yeah.

00:53:10.000 It doesn't have to be brown.

00:53:11.000 We might jack some yellow people in North Korea. 1.00

00:53:13.000 Sure. 1.00

00:53:13.000 We keep talking shit! 1.00

00:53:15.000 Keep talking shit! 1.00

00:53:16.000 Rice-eating motherfuckers! 1.00

00:53:18.000 We got some shit for you guys! 1.00

00:53:19.000 My mom has been in her job for a really long time. 1.00

00:53:23.000 A bunch of people got mad at me in this MMA forum because we were in Kentucky and there was some fights going on and this kid who was a wrestler was fighting this other guy who's a kickboxer from Italy.

00:53:37.000 He lives in America, but they were chanting, USA! USA! USA! And I was like, really Kentucky?

00:53:43.000 I'm like, that guy lives in Miami.

00:53:45.000 We're all immigrants. 1.00

00:53:47.000 Everyone in this fucking country descended from immigrants. 1.00

00:53:51.000 So no one was here 10,000 years ago. 1.00

00:53:53.000 It was all ice, you fuck. 1.00

00:53:54.000 That's the whole deal with America. 1.00

00:53:56.000 This guy actually lives here and you're yelling USA. And people were saying, there's nothing wrong with patriotism and you're enforcing your beliefs on other people.

00:54:04.000 I'm like, no, I'm making fun of shit. 1.00

00:54:05.000 I think it's stupid. 1.00

00:54:07.000 You're being colored commentary. 1.00

00:54:09.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:09.000 Silly. 1.00

00:54:10.000 You're yelling at USA. What? 1.00

00:54:11.000 Just watch these guys for their goddamn technique and their courage and what the fuck they're trying to accomplish and the difficulty of the task. 0.99

00:54:19.000 It's a great goddamn fight between this all-American wrestler who beat Phil Davis and Ryan Bader's badass fucking wrestler and this Italian kickboxer who's trying to get his ground game together. 1.00

00:54:27.000 It's a great fucking fight. 1.00

00:54:29.000 And these dildos, USA! USA! Spit all over the back of the person's head in front of them. 1.00

00:54:34.000 Just dumb fucking mouth-breeding cocksuckers. 1.00

00:54:37.000 And they get mad at you for being upset at it. 1.00

00:54:39.000 How else did you feel about your time over in Kentucky?

00:54:42.000 Because I grew up around there and going through Kentucky was always a fun time.

00:54:47.000 Louisville is great, dude.

00:54:49.000 Louisville is a great city. 0.99

00:54:50.000 The comedy club is fucking fantastic. 0.97

00:54:52.000 The people there are super cool. 0.97

00:54:54.000 The people that work there were super cool.

00:54:56.000 It's got this weird southern sort of almost hippie thing going on.

00:55:01.000 There's a lot of young people there.

00:55:03.000 There's a lot of open-minded people there.

00:55:05.000 And then there's a lot of old money. 1.00

00:55:07.000 And then there's a lot of So it's this weird combination of shit. 0.99

00:55:12.000 No, not in Louisville. 0.99

00:55:13.000 Louisville's old money.

00:55:15.000 It's a rare part of the South where there's a lot of really established social clans and groups and socialites.

00:55:24.000 A lot of money.

00:55:26.000 Really old money down there.

00:55:27.000 But a lot of educated people too.

00:55:29.000 But they're on that show the first 48. They're on that show all the time apparently.

00:55:32.000 People are getting jacked in Louisville.

00:55:34.000 You know, I got U-verse or...

00:55:37.000 That show shows real dead bodies.

00:55:39.000 That's so creepy.

00:55:41.000 That's dark.

00:55:41.000 I watch it all the time.

00:55:41.000 Isn't it weird that you can show anybody getting shot in a movie, but you can't show people really fucking?

00:55:48.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:55:48.000 It's amazing. 0.97

00:55:49.000 Or like a woman experiencing sexual pleasure. 0.81

00:55:52.000 It's like, okay, if it's like the dude going, oh, but like not a girl. 0.99

00:55:55.000 You can't have a girl having an orgasm. 1.00

00:55:57.000 It's very not done. 0.99

00:55:59.000 Yeah.

00:56:00.000 Right.

00:56:00.000 Does it ever happen?

00:56:01.000 Yeah, you never see the girl coming.

00:56:04.000 No.

00:56:05.000 Even if it's the guy. 0.87

00:56:06.000 Even when Howard Stern did the private parts and the girls on the speaker having an orgasm because Howard was making the noises and stuff. 0.81

00:56:15.000 I remember that was so shocking when that came out.

00:56:18.000 Really?

00:56:20.000 Yeah.

00:56:20.000 When that movie came out?

00:56:21.000 Fuck yeah, that was hot. 0.99

00:56:22.000 When she's sitting on the speaker and he's going... 1.00

00:56:25.000 That was cool.

00:56:29.000 That's interesting that it's not thought of as being very important if you come. 0.99

00:56:33.000 Because it's all leftover barbarian shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just shoot a load in you and run away. 1.00

00:56:39.000 That's what it is. 1.00

00:56:40.000 That's how people made babies back then. 1.00

00:56:42.000 That's gross. 0.70

00:56:43.000 It is gross. 0.97

00:56:44.000 But it's the reason why men are stronger than women. 0.99

00:56:46.000 Why aren't you strong too? 1.00

00:56:47.000 You're not strong too so we can rape you easier. 1.00

00:56:49.000 It's really that simple. 0.99

00:56:51.000 There's no logical reason why you wouldn't be like...

00:56:54.000 That's why God made me tall. 1.00

00:56:55.000 We're stronger to fight off other men that want to fuck you and kill the babies. 1.00

00:56:59.000 That's what we're strong for. 1.00

00:57:01.000 That's totally right. 1.00

00:57:01.000 We're strong to rape you and to fight off other men. 1.00

00:57:03.000 That's it. 1.00

00:57:04.000 Because otherwise you would be strong too.

00:57:05.000 Why aren't you strong too? 0.99

00:57:06.000 That's why I'm glad those guys wrestle each other so they get all out of their system instead of trying to rape me. 1.00

00:57:12.000 This is shit that academics haven't even considered, yo. 1.00

00:57:15.000 They haven't even looked into this so deeply. 1.00

00:57:17.000 They're scared because of social constructs.

00:57:21.000 We had Ari Shaffir on his podcast had a guest that was addicted to going to bathhouses, or I mean massage parlors, to get laid. 1.00

00:57:29.000 Did he say his name?

00:57:30.000 No, no, no.

00:57:31.000 Ari.

00:57:31.000 Did you have him on with a mask on or something?

00:57:33.000 Yeah, the Spider-Man mask on.

00:57:34.000 Oh, yeah.

00:57:35.000 Dude, I almost said his name.

00:57:36.000 Yeah, I know.

00:57:38.000 But anyways, that was close.

00:57:40.000 Sorry.

00:57:41.000 This is live.

00:57:42.000 Maybe we should consider not having this live. 1.00

00:57:44.000 Even Charlie Sheen edits his shit. 1.00

00:57:46.000 But so anyways, I never knew, like I always heard the handjob thing, where they say handjobs, but he was talking about how there's places here in LA, many places, that he can get just like fucking full-on hooker sex. 1.00

00:57:58.000 What? 0.99

00:57:58.000 And he says that he's gotten to the point where he has places that has favorite places with his favorite, he's like, yeah, this is like an LA 10 at this one place. 0.99

00:58:05.000 Wow. 1.00

00:58:05.000 And it's $150 and you just fucking sit there and fuck after you do a 15 minute massage. 1.00

00:58:11.000 Whoa. 1.00

00:58:11.000 And he says, I even bring out the women so they can look like the bunny ranch where they all come and say hi and stuff like that. 1.00

00:58:17.000 Wow.

00:58:18.000 At massage parlors. 0.97

00:58:19.000 Is there a thing where you can get the massage part of your sex massage at the end?

00:58:23.000 Because I think that would be more relaxing. 0.99

00:58:26.000 They give you a legit massage and then they jerk you off at the end. 0.98

00:58:30.000 I would take the massage at the end though. 0.99

00:58:31.000 The crazy thing is though, really?

00:58:33.000 Yeah, fast out the gate and then I would get the wind down.

00:58:37.000 Oh, I see.

00:58:38.000 So you would go, wow, that's interesting.

00:58:40.000 For a guy, I think it's the opposite, right?

00:58:42.000 Give me the massage first and then beat me off. 1.00

00:58:45.000 Don't pee. 0.97

00:58:45.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:58:46.000 Yeah.

00:58:46.000 Because after you beat me off, I just want to go away.

00:58:48.000 Yeah.

00:58:48.000 I'm done.

00:58:49.000 See ya.

00:58:50.000 I don't mean to massage.

00:58:51.000 It's good.

00:58:51.000 I feel good.

00:58:51.000 I'm loose.

00:58:52.000 You gotta go. 0.99

00:58:54.000 You know, when men have an orgasm, there's a fucking instinctive need that you have to overcome to just run. 0.99

00:59:01.000 Like, as soon as you come, just get away. 1.00

00:59:03.000 It's like that in the movies, too.

00:59:04.000 It's true in real life. 1.00

00:59:05.000 Fuck the movies. 1.00

00:59:06.000 In real life, when a guy comes, I'm telling you, he wants to run away. 1.00

00:59:09.000 I mean, you want to stay if you love your wife or your girlfriend and you have this relationship together. 0.64

00:59:14.000 But if you don't, if you don't know each other that well, then all of a sudden you're fucking like, get me out of here. 0.78

00:59:18.000 What have I done? 0.98

00:59:19.000 I like to snuggle.

00:59:21.000 I'm a snuggler.

00:59:22.000 Sometimes.

00:59:22.000 Sometimes if you really love the girl.

00:59:24.000 You're a male feminist. 1.00

00:59:24.000 But there's a lot of times when you're not. 1.00

00:59:26.000 There's a lot of times when you just want to run.

00:59:30.000 Especially if you're drinking. 0.99

00:59:31.000 If you're drinking and you know that somehow or another you've allowed the alcohol and your penis to talk you into some unreasonable situation and then as soon as you orgasm it just becomes clear what the fuck happened and then you want to run away. 1.00

00:59:44.000 Get me out of here. 0.99

00:59:46.000 So what I'm trying to say is it's way better to get the massage first.

00:59:49.000 Okay. 1.00

00:59:50.000 Loosen you up then jerk off. 1.00

00:59:52.000 We're done. 1.00

00:59:53.000 We're done here.

00:59:53.000 We're done.

00:59:54.000 Thank you.

00:59:54.000 He also said how he got an escort once, and he was in this weird, small town.

00:59:59.000 It was like 3 o'clock in the morning, and he only had two options on the internet.

01:00:04.000 He found their websites, and one, the lady was already out doing something else, but the other one would show her eyes only, and then it would show her leg or something like that, because it couldn't show the whole thing. 0.96

01:00:14.000 And so he's like, fuck it, am I going to do this?

01:00:16.000 And she had a really nice, or seemed really nice on the phone or stuff. 1.00

01:00:19.000 Then she comes over and she had stab wounds. 0.99

01:00:24.000 Her teeth were all fucked up and her voice sounded like PJ Stansberry. 1.00

01:00:28.000 It was like, hey, come over here and stuff like that. 1.00

01:00:31.000 And he said it was so bad that he felt like it was impossible to fuck this girl. 0.99

01:00:36.000 So then he goes, yeah, I have this thing that I like to do. 1.00

01:00:39.000 It's where you give me a blowjob. 1.00

01:00:41.000 I put a blanket over you while I watch porn. 1.00

01:00:44.000 And she's like, alright. 0.82

01:00:45.000 And then afterwards, she's like, do you mind if I finish myself up?

01:00:48.000 You got me all hot and bothered. 1.00

01:00:50.000 And so she just puts one leg up over him and just starts fucking masturbating. 1.00

01:00:55.000 It's called Skeptic Tank 2. I already should hear Skeptic Tank 2, a death squad podcast, but listen to that. 0.99

01:01:01.000 That's so sad.

01:01:02.000 I have a friend that has been addicted to going to those massage polishs forever and he's never had a girlfriend as long as I've known him. 1.00

01:01:10.000 I've known him for more than 10 years and more than 10 years that I've known him all this guy does is he's not a very good looking guy and he's Not built very well.

01:01:20.000 And he went bald really young in life.

01:01:22.000 And he's never been successful.

01:01:23.000 And he just has a real hard time.

01:01:24.000 He gets real nervous around chicks.

01:01:26.000 So he just goes to these Asian massage places. 0.77

01:01:28.000 He just gets whacked off all the time.

01:01:30.000 So a good percentage of like...

01:01:32.000 He doesn't make a lot of money.

01:01:33.000 So the good percentage of what this guy makes every week goes to just get whacked off.

01:01:36.000 And like he takes them out on dates sometimes.

01:01:39.000 He was talking to me about it once.

01:01:40.000 We were playing pool and he was talking to me about it.

01:01:42.000 He was like, yeah, well, you know, I'm taking her on a date this Friday.

01:01:45.000 I go, what?

01:01:46.000 You're going to...

01:01:47.000 Okay, alright.

01:01:49.000 Don't judge him, Joe!

01:01:50.000 No, no, I'm saying, do you think, is she gonna be your boyfriend?

01:01:53.000 Are you gonna be her boyfriend?

01:01:54.000 Like, what's going on?

01:01:55.000 Like, you guys gonna...

01:01:56.000 That'd be a good romantic comedy right there.

01:01:59.000 Yeah, she just waxed off dudes all day and then comes home. 1.00

01:02:02.000 You fall in love with your...

01:02:03.000 But I felt like the way he was telling me, it was almost like he had talked her into doing it because she didn't want to lose him as a customer.

01:02:12.000 Times are tough.

01:02:13.000 When you get that steady $700 a week coming from one dude.

01:02:16.000 Yikes.

01:02:17.000 You know, when you think about it.

01:02:18.000 Can't he just do it himself like every other day or something?

01:02:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:22.000 Couldn't he, like, just fucking find a fat chick with a mustache and just be like, look, we can fuck each other once a week, but I have to get really drunk every time I do it. 1.00

01:02:31.000 That's not what he wants, Brian. 1.00

01:02:32.000 He can get jerked up by cute Asian girls. 1.00

01:02:34.000 What are you talking about? 1.00

01:02:35.000 It's a ridiculous option. 0.99

01:02:36.000 He's already plateaued on a higher... 0.97

01:02:37.000 His horizons are set far higher.

01:02:39.000 You don't understand human nature, son. 0.81

01:02:41.000 You're talking some unrealistic nonsense.

01:02:43.000 Doesn't work that way, right, Dana?

01:02:45.000 I... That's right, Joe.

01:02:47.000 Back to you.

01:02:50.000 And the traffic today is sponsored by the Fleshlight.

01:02:53.000 You totally could be working for Entertainment Tonight right now.

01:02:55.000 We got you as a comic.

01:02:57.000 I could get a leg cam.

01:02:58.000 Yeah, a leg cam.

01:02:59.000 Mary Hart, gotta light my legs real nice.

01:03:02.000 Oh, that's right.

01:03:02.000 Do they light her legs up?

01:03:03.000 Grease them up.

01:03:04.000 Do they?

01:03:05.000 She had a leg greaser for sometimes, it seemed like. 0.99

01:03:07.000 Sometimes it would go like Mary Hart's legs were just greasy, like she just had banana oil all over her and shit like that. 1.00

01:03:14.000 Yes. 0.99

01:03:15.000 Isn't that funny, man?

01:03:16.000 Oh my gosh.

01:03:16.000 Oh, we're gonna have our own show.

01:03:18.000 Yay! 0.99

01:03:19.000 Does that make sense to you?

01:03:21.000 Let's go ask Mario Lopez.

01:03:21.000 Being a woman, being a woman, seeing, like, men, like, freaking out about body parts and seeing, like, that's all you need to, like, sell a car.

01:03:29.000 And some woman with slinky legs that, like, folds them over and gets in the front seat. 1.00

01:03:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:03:33.000 And everybody wants to buy that fucking Cadillac. 1.00

01:03:35.000 There's pussy! 1.00

01:03:37.000 What is it like, though, to be a professional woman like that? 1.00

01:03:42.000 To be a professional sex symbol? 0.85

01:03:44.000 Like, dudes, they look at you, and 99% of them are thinking about sex. 0.96

01:03:48.000 They're thinking about sex that you've had and what you're selling.

01:03:51.000 If I wasn't in the business I'm in, I feel like people would probably look at me that way anyway.

01:03:58.000 No, really?

01:03:59.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:03:59.000 Yeah.

01:04:00.000 Why is that? 1.00

01:04:01.000 Because I'm always, like, I'm trying to talk it out with my coworkers and stuff, and I'm like, I think this guy just wants to fuck me because I'm a porn star. 1.00

01:04:07.000 And then, like, Manuel Ferrara looks at me and goes, No, idiot. 1.00

01:04:10.000 They want to fuck you because you're hot. 1.00

01:04:12.000 And I'm like, oh, okay. 0.99

01:04:14.000 Anyone can make up whatever backstory, even if they've seen a digital image on their computer or not.

01:04:21.000 When you see a hot girl, your imaginations are run wild. 0.99

01:04:26.000 If I worked with you at Bath and Body Works, I would want to fuck you the whole time I was at Bath and Body Works. 1.00

01:04:30.000 Why would I work at Bath and Body Works? 1.00

01:04:31.000 I am not this full of myself.

01:04:34.000 This is information that I've acquired for my thesis.

01:04:37.000 No, there's nothing wrong with what you said.

01:04:37.000 You're being honest.

01:04:38.000 Yeah, it is honest. 1.00

01:04:39.000 It's also very possible that he wanted to fuck you because he saw you fuck people on film. 1.00

01:04:44.000 And you're a porn star. 1.00

01:04:45.000 I've watched her fuck one time on film, though. 1.00

01:04:48.000 That's fine. 1.00

01:04:48.000 I mean, you can. 1.00

01:04:50.000 That's what it's for.

01:04:51.000 It's not just like you have to stop looking at me naked because we're friends now.

01:04:55.000 That's funny.

01:04:55.000 It's just not the way that it goes.

01:04:57.000 That's funny.

01:04:57.000 There's no social taboo between you watching porn that I'm in just because we're friends.

01:05:02.000 A lot of people that I find in porn, it's kind of strange, there's lines that they draw.

01:05:06.000 You know, there's very distinct lines. 0.97

01:05:08.000 Like I remember this couple that I met, we were doing the man show and this couple came on and they were talking about how they're allowed to fuck other people while they work. 0.99

01:05:14.000 They're both in porn. 0.99

01:05:15.000 But then off work, you're not allowed to just go randomly fuck people. 1.00

01:05:19.000 Right. 0.99

01:05:19.000 I was like, wow, that's a weird distinction. 0.99

01:05:22.000 How do you figure that one out? 0.99

01:05:24.000 You're okay with them fucking whoever at work. 0.99

01:05:26.000 But that was the other thing. 1.00

01:05:27.000 One guy was on the set and his girlfriend started sucking this guy's dick when the camera wasn't running. 1.00

01:05:33.000 He's like, hey, what the fuck? 1.00

01:05:35.000 And he got all mad. 1.00

01:05:36.000 That's weird.

01:05:37.000 How crazy is that?

01:05:38.000 I think that's weird.

01:05:38.000 How crazy is that?

01:05:39.000 He's like, he's fucking, you guys aren't even filming. 1.00

01:05:42.000 And she's just sucking, he's like, what? 1.00

01:05:44.000 What's up? 0.99

01:05:45.000 I've actually, I've worked with people and they have the same kind of thing where it's like, they can do whatever they want on camera, but the guy has to like stroke himself. 0.99

01:05:53.000 What the fuck? 0.96

01:05:53.000 Like when he's like getting ready to go, like the girl can't help because that's like against their... 0.96

01:05:58.000 It's like maybe they might be the same people.

01:06:00.000 I don't know.

01:06:01.000 Isn't that crazy?

01:06:02.000 But yeah, it's just they're socially monogamous.

01:06:04.000 They have a rule.

01:06:05.000 There's a line that you draw. 0.95

01:06:07.000 Well, I used to date a guy in the business and outside of work we didn't fuck around or whatever. 0.92

01:06:14.000 No.

01:06:15.000 And he did some things that I found were questionable and he was like, there's a camera in the room. 1.00

01:06:20.000 And I was like, you're a fuck. 1.00

01:06:21.000 That's fucked up. 1.00

01:06:22.000 That's not the same thing. 0.99

01:06:24.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:06:26.000 Home porn doesn't count?

01:06:27.000 No. 0.77

01:06:28.000 No, it has to be paid porn.

01:06:31.000 Your boundaries are your own, and it doesn't matter what you do for a living just because you're a comedian.

01:06:35.000 No one's allowed to tell jokes in my house besides me.

01:06:38.000 That's just not the way that life works.

01:06:41.000 Right.

01:06:43.000 But if you have some kind of contract, like marriage, or you're with somebody and you say, okay, well, we live together now, so I don't want you sleeping with other people, even though I do porn for a living.

01:06:56.000 Do you know what I'm saying?

01:06:57.000 It's just because that's what you've arranged between the two of you.

01:07:00.000 That's a weird thing though.

01:07:01.000 Why arrange anything?

01:07:02.000 Why make something that someone can't do? 0.96

01:07:05.000 If you're allowing the most sacred of sacred things, you're allowing this person to fuck other people on film, why not just allow them to be themselves?

01:07:13.000 Why put any boundaries? 0.99

01:07:14.000 Just come here at night and this is where we live.

01:07:17.000 Because, I don't know, sex is not that sacred to some people.

01:07:21.000 Maybe.

01:07:22.000 Because maybe, like, the people that I work with, they don't have my address.

01:07:27.000 You know what I mean?

01:07:28.000 And maybe that's a little bit more...

01:07:29.000 My privacy and my security is more sacred to me than the actual physical act of sex.

01:07:35.000 That's true.

01:07:35.000 Yeah, that's true.

01:07:36.000 It's like pleasure. 0.97

01:07:37.000 It's like, would you get mad every time you masturbated to the video or, you know... 0.95

01:07:40.000 No, what I'm saying is why put a boundary on it, though? 0.67

01:07:43.000 Why put a boundary?

01:07:44.000 Not necessarily.

01:07:45.000 I see what you're saying.

01:07:46.000 What if they're Virgo and they want things to be a certain way so they can be in their realm of comfortability? 0.81

01:07:53.000 Let people do what the fuck they want to do and find someone who you're compatible with instead of trying to morph someone to your expectations? 0.89

01:07:59.000 That's the number one problem with relationships. 0.55

01:08:01.000 Being compatible?

01:08:01.000 Yeah.

01:08:01.000 People find people that are incompatible with them and they try to make them fit.

01:08:06.000 And it doesn't fucking work that way. 0.99

01:08:07.000 If one person's a control freak and the other person's anal... 0.98

01:08:11.000 What if they don't want to do the thing that they've agreed that they don't want to do? 0.96

01:08:15.000 Isn't that compatible?

01:08:16.000 What?

01:08:17.000 They've agreed.

01:08:18.000 You had too many negatives in there.

01:08:20.000 Sorry.

01:08:22.000 He took me down a dark road.

01:08:24.000 What if their compatibility lies that they both, for what reason or another, think it's okay to do porn, but outside of work, they agree to sleep with only each other.

01:08:34.000 If they come to that together, that's definitely a compatibility.

01:08:37.000 Sure.

01:08:37.000 Yeah, good point.

01:08:38.000 And it's not based on necessarily judgment or whatever.

01:08:42.000 I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. 0.98

01:08:44.000 I'm just saying it's an odd thing that you don't have a boundary on someone fucking people on camera, but you do have a boundary with them doing it for pleasure. 0.98

01:08:53.000 On their own. 0.99

01:08:54.000 Right.

01:08:54.000 With another person.

01:08:56.000 Because that might be emotional.

01:08:57.000 Well, it just depends on your point of view of what art is or what porn is or what sex is.

01:09:01.000 Right. 0.99

01:09:01.000 And it's also because it's understood when you're fucking on film. 0.99

01:09:03.000 Because porn is not really about sex. 0.99

01:09:04.000 Right. 0.91

01:09:04.000 Exactly. 0.91

01:09:05.000 Porn is acting and athleticism.

01:09:07.000 Athleticism.

01:09:08.000 That's it. 0.99

01:09:08.000 Is that what they're calling ass-fucking these days? 0.99

01:09:10.000 I don't talk like a spider monkey. 1.00

01:09:12.000 I'm a crazy person.

01:09:13.000 And it's not comfortable. 0.72

01:09:15.000 It's not for you.

01:09:16.000 It's for the camera.

01:09:19.000 And it's hard to do something that does not feel good and act like it feels good to you. 0.99

01:09:24.000 You literally get fucked sideways. 0.99

01:09:26.000 Sometimes it really fucking hurts. 1.00

01:09:28.000 Do you ever stretch it out before shoots? 0.98

01:09:30.000 Yeah, I do.

01:09:31.000 Butt plugs and stuff like that?

01:09:33.000 I don't need to. 0.99

01:09:35.000 I have a huge butt. 1.00

01:09:36.000 My butthole is humongous. 1.00

01:09:38.000 Is it easy for you to poop faster? 1.00

01:09:41.000 I never poop.

01:09:43.000 Like can you just sit down and like take care of it in like three seconds and then you just launch it out of there like spores coming off a mushroom.

01:09:51.000 Like a dandelion.

01:09:52.000 Yeah.

01:09:53.000 It's like a t-shirt launcher.

01:09:56.000 Yeah.

01:09:56.000 You have to have an airtight toilet.

01:09:59.000 She has to have an airtight toilet. 1.00

01:10:00.000 She squeezes her legs together and covers her snatch with her hands so the shit doesn't blast out through the bottom of her legs. 1.00

01:10:09.000 She just blows out like a broken fire hydrant. 1.00

01:10:11.000 I'm laughing, but I do not approve of this at all.

01:10:13.000 Just blam!

01:10:15.000 She's just hanging on. 1.00

01:10:17.000 She has to take a shower every time she shits. 1.00

01:10:20.000 This is the back of her legs. 0.99

01:10:21.000 Looks like she went skidding down a muddy hill. 0.99

01:10:25.000 There's no container of shit. 1.00

01:10:27.000 Her asshole's like the Lincoln Tunnel. 1.00

01:10:30.000 It's the one-man roast of Dana D'Armand's asshole. 1.00

01:10:32.000 It looks like the back of your shirt when it's raining outside and you're on your bike and the mud is skidded up the back of your shirt. 1.00

01:10:42.000 You're so immature. 0.68

01:10:43.000 I'm laughing because I'm disgusted, not because it's hilarious. 0.99

01:10:47.000 I'm disgusting at myself as well.

01:10:48.000 It's horrible. 1.00

01:10:50.000 Are you not into butt sex in real life? 0.99

01:10:54.000 I am. 0.99

01:10:56.000 Are you good at sex in real life?

01:10:57.000 I'm not right.

01:10:59.000 I think I'm better on film because I like to exaggerate my movements.

01:11:03.000 Right. 0.99

01:11:04.000 Why don't you do that in real life, lazy bitch? 1.00

01:11:06.000 Are you very stationary? 1.00

01:11:07.000 Are you like, I'm only on the top?

01:11:09.000 I like to be held down and smushed.

01:11:12.000 Are you serious?

01:11:13.000 Smushed down into a Tempur-Pedic bed.

01:11:14.000 Yeah.

01:11:15.000 Well, hey, I got one of those.

01:11:17.000 You like to be dominated.

01:11:17.000 A little bit.

01:11:18.000 Yeah, makes sense.

01:11:19.000 You're a big girl.

01:11:19.000 Not really...

01:11:20.000 Fuck. 1.00

01:11:21.000 It does. 1.00

01:11:21.000 It makes sense. 1.00

01:11:22.000 Naturally, genetically, you need a strong man to turn you on.

01:11:26.000 More like being restrained.

01:11:27.000 You want to feel that if this guy wanted to take it, he could take it.

01:11:31.000 Sure.

01:11:32.000 That's what it is.

01:11:32.000 It's natural.

01:11:33.000 You're a big girl.

01:11:34.000 Not bad.

01:11:35.000 Not in a bad way.

01:11:36.000 You are a good specimen.

01:11:37.000 If you wanted to make warrior children, you'd be a good specimen.

01:11:40.000 I would.

01:11:41.000 Warrior children with flexible buttholes.

01:11:43.000 You have the perfect DNA for it.

01:11:45.000 Yes. 0.61

01:11:46.000 Is it hard to date people as a porn star, do you find?

01:11:50.000 Or is it more of a challenge, do you think?

01:11:52.000 It depends on the person.

01:11:54.000 I dated a guy a couple years ago, and when we met, he knew what I did and stuff like that, and I did not want to be involved with him.

01:12:04.000 And then...

01:12:06.000 We started sleeping together after a really long time.

01:12:09.000 It kind of warmed me down a little bit. 0.99

01:12:10.000 It was kind of fucked up. 0.99

01:12:13.000 We weren't off to a good start, I'll admit. 0.99

01:12:15.000 I get bored too. 0.97

01:12:20.000 After we started dating or fucking and dating... 0.99

01:12:26.000 He then looked at porn that I was in and decided that he wanted to be a spaz about it and be like, I don't know. 0.99

01:12:34.000 Knowing you do those types of things, I don't know. 0.78

01:12:37.000 And I'm like, yeah, you already knew, but now you want to be bothered because you're a drama queen.

01:12:42.000 It has nothing to do with what I do.

01:12:45.000 It's just that, you know, this person's a little drama.

01:12:47.000 Feelings were also getting, you know, starting now.

01:12:50.000 Before it was like zero feelings. 1.00

01:12:52.000 I just want to fuck you. 1.00

01:12:53.000 Now it's starting to cut, like love gets involved, you know? 1.00

01:12:55.000 I think that's probably a natural...

01:12:57.000 But part of the whole process of wearing me down is like, I don't judge you.

01:13:00.000 Like, I think, no, it's fine.

01:13:01.000 It's like really great because you're really successful.

01:13:04.000 And then I just kind of like kind of nosedived into like this, ah, you do those things.

01:13:09.000 I think for a lot of men, it's very important when they meet a girl that they're sexually attracted to, they want that girl to like them. 0.99

01:13:15.000 And I think that is the root of a lot of bullshit. 0.99

01:13:18.000 And the guys don't even realize they're doing it. 1.00

01:13:20.000 It's a genetic thing.

01:13:21.000 It's a predisposition to wanting to be sexually attractive.

01:13:24.000 And so they start pretending to be someone who they're not.

01:13:27.000 And then they get into the relationship, and then it's a couple months in, and they're relaxed and comfortable. 1.00

01:13:32.000 And they're like, why am I with this crazy bitch? 1.00

01:13:33.000 I'm not even into this. 1.00

01:13:35.000 Yeah.

01:13:36.000 Yeah, it's like there's a lot of dudes that are just trying to put it together.

01:13:40.000 They don't have the luxury of actually being honest and trying to meet someone that they actually like. 0.95

01:13:46.000 They're so caught up in the game of trying to fuck a chick and it's so difficult for them that when they finally get one, they tackle her, they get it in there, they're like, got one, good, okay. 0.99

01:13:56.000 What did I pretend to be doing to do this? 1.00

01:13:59.000 I'm not a fucking vegan. 0.99

01:14:00.000 I want a steak. 1.00

01:14:01.000 Shit. 1.00

01:14:02.000 That's a tough one. 1.00

01:14:03.000 You start wearing yoga beads and stuff. 0.98

01:14:05.000 There's dudes that will, you know, they meet a girl that's willing to fuck them like once every couple months and they gotta work hard to take it down. 1.00

01:14:13.000 Just keep it going. 0.98

01:14:14.000 So they pretend to be someone they're not.

01:14:16.000 It's like spitting plates. 0.99

01:14:17.000 It's just sex. 0.98

01:14:18.000 What's the big deal?

01:14:20.000 What we do together is love.

01:14:22.000 That's just a movie you're making.

01:14:24.000 Oh yeah, that same drama guy, he was like...

01:14:28.000 I was like...

01:14:30.000 Being really depressed or something like that.

01:14:33.000 And he wanted to lay it on me like, you can't live inside your own pain.

01:14:37.000 And I love you. 1.00

01:14:39.000 And I was like, get the fuck out of my mouth. 1.00

01:14:41.000 I was like, you're creeping me out. 1.00

01:14:43.000 You're being weird. 1.00

01:14:44.000 I don't know where you heard that shit. 1.00

01:14:45.000 Get the fuck out of my mouth. 1.00

01:14:47.000 You heard that. 1.00

01:14:47.000 Because that is something you would hear. 1.00

01:14:49.000 That's not something you think of.

01:14:50.000 That's nonsense. 1.00

01:14:51.000 Yeah, I was like, you're full of shit. 1.00

01:14:54.000 Get out. 1.00

01:14:56.000 Never come back.

01:14:57.000 The worst.

01:14:57.000 Delete my phone number.

01:14:58.000 The most sexually unattractive thing ever is someone who's full of shit. 1.00

01:15:02.000 Ugh, so gross. 1.00

01:15:02.000 It's just so gross. 1.00

01:15:04.000 People who are full of shit, like, oh, God, it's such a bummer, you know, when you hear someone say some nonsense, and then you have to mock them, and then they get mad at you for mocking them, and then it all fucking falls apart. 1.00

01:15:16.000 I used to date this girl who used to write poetry, and it was nonsense! 1.00

01:15:20.000 It was nonsense! 0.98

01:15:24.000 I mean, it was her form of expression, but it was so clearly affected and fake and just designed to fucking fire off all the rights. 1.00

01:15:33.000 It was just so artificial, so clear, so clear that it was just bullshit that she was slinging. 0.99

01:15:39.000 It was so offensive. 0.99

01:15:40.000 Are you a poetry snob, though?

01:15:41.000 I like Bukowski.

01:15:43.000 What about Bukowski?

01:15:44.000 I love Bukowski.

01:15:45.000 You know what I love about Bukowski?

01:15:47.000 A lot of his stories are really dark. 1.00

01:15:49.000 But that's a fuck what that guy's thinking about. 1.00

01:15:53.000 For real. 1.00

01:15:53.000 That is his real life. 1.00

01:15:55.000 That's what he's thinking about.

01:15:55.000 That's all I require of an artist.

01:15:57.000 What inflames me is when I think someone is trying to pretend to be someone else.

01:16:02.000 Whether it's a human or a singer or a comedian or an actor.

01:16:06.000 I feel like you're bullshitting me.

01:16:08.000 I feel like you're bullshitting me.

01:16:10.000 It's offensive.

01:16:10.000 Yeah.

01:16:10.000 You know, you're treating me your fucking crazy poetry hooker?

01:16:13.000 It's insulting to your intelligence. 1.00

01:16:15.000 You're mad at me that I'm laughing at this nonsense? 1.00

01:16:18.000 Tell us a horror story from doing porn. 1.00

01:16:20.000 What's one thing that sticks out just you fucking, like, just awful experience? 0.99

01:16:26.000 Did you ever, like, say, okay, never again? 0.98

01:16:30.000 I used to do a lot of BDSM stuff where I was a sub and I would get beaten.

01:16:37.000 Explain that to everybody who's not crazy.

01:16:39.000 That's so mean.

01:16:40.000 BDSM? Most people don't have any idea what that means.

01:16:43.000 Bonded?

01:16:45.000 Sadomasochism.

01:16:46.000 S&M is sadomasochism.

01:16:48.000 And when you say a sub, you are the one that they tortured.

01:16:52.000 Submissive and dominant.

01:16:53.000 So it's bondage and...

01:16:56.000 Dominatrix. 1.00

01:16:57.000 Some shit like that. 0.99

01:16:58.000 It's like a code. 0.99

01:16:59.000 I don't know.

01:17:00.000 Whatever.

01:17:00.000 Right.

01:17:00.000 It's like being in the army.

01:17:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:02.000 When we talk about IEDs and shit. 0.99

01:17:04.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:05.000 It's like being in ROTC. It's all extreme things.

01:17:07.000 We try to invent little shortenings of them.

01:17:10.000 Oh, yeah.

01:17:10.000 So, yeah, it would be like electrocuted and tied up in bodge.

01:17:15.000 Oh, wow.

01:17:16.000 And like, you know, hit with different...

01:17:18.000 Electrocute where? 1.00

01:17:19.000 Your nipples. 1.00

01:17:19.000 Everywhere. 1.00

01:17:20.000 Nipples, like in your body with like... 1.00

01:17:22.000 Your pussy? 1.00

01:17:22.000 Pads, my pussy inside, inside my butthole. 1.00

01:17:25.000 Oh, my God! 1.00

01:17:26.000 Like, while in, like, very strict bondage and stuff like that.

01:17:29.000 Oh, my God.

01:17:30.000 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

01:17:31.000 It was very challenging, you know, and it was something that I was really legitimately interested in when I was in my early 20s, and it's something that I thought that maybe, you know, so I consider myself to be kind of a tough person, and I felt like if I met these challenges, it would prove how tough I was. 0.98

01:17:48.000 God damn. 0.98

01:17:49.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:17:50.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:17:51.000 You got electrocuted inside your butthole. 1.00

01:17:53.000 What percentage of the population has ever been electrocuted inside their butthole? 1.00

01:17:56.000 I don't know. 0.98

01:17:57.000 You're one of the few.

01:17:57.000 I mean, they produce like the tens units and I mean, they're sold like as medical equipment and stuff like that.

01:18:02.000 I'm sure a fair amount of people have gotten their hands on them.

01:18:06.000 You know, so...

01:18:07.000 And so when you get your hands off some medical equipment, what's the first thing you do? 1.00

01:18:10.000 You say, well, let me stick this thing in my ass and turn this bitch on and see what's up. 1.00

01:18:14.000 What was that, 9-volt battery on your asshole? 1.00

01:18:16.000 Well, there's people that are into, like, sounding and sounding. 1.00

01:18:20.000 Like, put a pitchfork in your urethra. 1.00

01:18:22.000 Right when you're about to come, stick that 9-volt up your ass. 1.00

01:18:25.000 Oh, shit! 1.00

01:18:28.000 It'd be like Iron Man loads. 1.00

01:18:30.000 I don't think it works that way, Joe.

01:18:33.000 You don't know, though.

01:18:34.000 Oh, I think I do.

01:18:36.000 It makes modem sounds. 1.00

01:18:37.000 Yeah, but penis, it might make the guy shoot while her loads. 1.00

01:18:41.000 I think I have more experience with more penises than you. 1.00

01:18:45.000 What do you got? 0.99

01:18:47.000 You don't know that.

01:18:49.000 I'm more than willing to submit to you on this.

01:18:53.000 Yes.

01:18:55.000 I'm alpha-ing the entire room.

01:18:57.000 No, me.

01:18:59.000 So how long did this whole session take? 1.00

01:19:02.000 Were they electrocuting your vagina and your asshole? 1.00

01:19:05.000 Oh, man. 1.00

01:19:07.000 It was a first site called WiredPussy.com. 0.99

01:19:09.000 WiredPussy? 0.99

01:19:10.000 WiredPussy, yeah. 1.00

01:19:11.000 So it's all electrocuting pussies? 1.00

01:19:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:19:13.000 It's like female on female subdom. 1.00

01:19:17.000 And they electrocute each other's pussies. 1.00

01:19:19.000 Yeah, and they play games like who can take the most electricity, or they'll chase blindfolded and partially tied up women around with a cattle prod that makes noise, and you can either go toward it or away from the sound, but if you go away from the sound... 0.99

01:19:33.000 Just when I thought I reached the bottom of the darkness of the internet, there's an electrocute your pussy website. 1.00

01:19:39.000 That's where I started. 1.00

01:19:39.000 Have you ever had your pee hole fucked? 1.00

01:19:42.000 Whoa! 1.00

01:19:43.000 What the fuck, Ryan? 1.00

01:19:44.000 You've seen that. 1.00

01:19:45.000 We've talked about this before. 1.00

01:19:46.000 Yeah, there's videos out there of guys fucking girls' pee holes. 1.00

01:19:49.000 My pee hole's like really small. 1.00

01:19:50.000 And it stretches just like your asshole. 1.00

01:19:52.000 I can't, no. 1.00

01:19:54.000 I'm very sensitive in my whole vagina area. 1.00

01:19:56.000 Oh my god, really? 0.99

01:19:57.000 Don't say never.

01:19:58.000 You gotta reach goals.

01:19:59.000 You gotta build...

01:20:00.000 Oh, that one doesn't really...

01:20:01.000 God, Ryan.

01:20:02.000 ...like modifying my body.

01:20:03.000 I went through a phase of like piercing and stuff like that when I was younger.

01:20:06.000 Can you have some tattoo above the cookie?

01:20:08.000 I do, but I'm having it removed. 0.97

01:20:10.000 And that is so fucking painful. 0.98

01:20:12.000 It's worse than any butthole electrocution I've ever gotten. 0.98

01:20:15.000 To get laser tattoo removal is so painful.

01:20:19.000 It agitates the ink molecule in your skin and makes it explode with each treatment.

01:20:25.000 It gets smaller and smaller and it metabolizes out of your body. 0.99

01:20:30.000 So you have to wait a couple months in between sessions just long enough that you can forget how much fucking pain you're in. 0.97

01:20:37.000 You have to go in and do it again. 1.00

01:20:39.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:20:40.000 I'm just keeping waterfalls. 1.00

01:20:42.000 I've got an old tattoo on my shoulder that I want to...

01:20:45.000 It's around my belly button.

01:20:47.000 I've got a sleeve that I'm doing on my right arm and I have an old tattoo up here that I have to get removed.

01:20:52.000 I've been putting it off.

01:20:53.000 Just get a big black box on.

01:20:56.000 Get some black flag tattoo.

01:20:58.000 How much worse is it than the actual tattooing?

01:21:01.000 It's so much worse because you have to go like 20 times.

01:21:04.000 Really?

01:21:05.000 Mine's old.

01:21:09.000 You can feel the impact of the laser going into your skin.

01:21:13.000 It feels like being snapped with a rubber band really hard.

01:21:16.000 It instantly burns and it makes your skin swell up.

01:21:21.000 When you get a tattoo, it kind of scratches the surface of your skin.

01:21:25.000 When you get lasered, it's affecting the color inside your skin, so the blood kind of seeps out like a sponge.

01:21:32.000 I'm going to wait 10 years.

01:21:33.000 I'm going to wait for the technology to get a little bit better. 0.98

01:21:36.000 You just turned me the fuck off to that laser tattoo removal. 0.99

01:21:39.000 Don't do it. 0.99

01:21:39.000 I'm thinking about cooking my arm like that. 0.99

01:21:41.000 I'm like, what am I doing to my arm?

01:21:42.000 You could damage your skin.

01:21:44.000 No, I mean, it's safe.

01:21:45.000 It doesn't scar.

01:21:46.000 It doesn't?

01:21:47.000 No.

01:21:47.000 I mean, that's the purpose of it being such a long, slow process.

01:21:50.000 I mean, you could just cut it off if you wanted to.

01:21:53.000 But I wouldn't say that that's the best idea ever.

01:21:56.000 So let me ask you this.

01:21:57.000 If wiredpussy.com calls you up next week and says, hey, we're looking to do a shoot, are you done with that? 0.67

01:22:01.000 Yeah. 0.77

01:22:02.000 I would top.

01:22:03.000 I've gone back to be the dom into Torture Girls and stuff because I feel like I can confidently say I know what I'm doing and I wouldn't do something to somebody else that I haven't had done to myself.

01:22:13.000 Yeah, but look at what you've done to yourself.

01:22:14.000 Because I know what it feels like.

01:22:15.000 I know. 1.00

01:22:16.000 And if they're not a badass bitch like me, then they don't get to fuck me. 1.00

01:22:19.000 Would you ever do fart porn? 1.00

01:22:20.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:22:21.000 Yeah.

01:22:22.000 I fart all the time in my movies.

01:22:24.000 You fart in your movies? 1.00

01:22:25.000 It's just like when you get fucked in the ass, like your butt is open and gaping is like the big thing where they want to see your lower colon. 1.00

01:22:32.000 They want to see it all in HD, Blooming, 3D. Why? 1.00

01:22:35.000 Yeah.

01:22:35.000 Jesus.

01:22:36.000 I don't know why people like it.

01:22:38.000 They just do.

01:22:39.000 And just whatever.

01:22:41.000 So the air goes into your chasm and then you have to kind of fart it out.

01:22:45.000 It's not like I fart.

01:22:46.000 I'm eating a can of beans like a hobo and then I'm going to light my farts on fire.

01:22:51.000 Have you accidentally ever sprayed?

01:22:53.000 No.

01:22:54.000 No.

01:22:55.000 I think I've accidentally peed on people at work and then be like, I'm squirting!

01:22:59.000 Or whatever.

01:23:00.000 I don't know.

01:23:01.000 What is squirting exactly?

01:23:02.000 Is it really? 0.98

01:23:03.000 When in the movies where a girl's like shooting, obviously you can see it coming out of her pee hole. 1.00

01:23:09.000 I'm assuming that a lot of people that watch these movies don't know what a vagina looks like or anything. 1.00

01:23:16.000 And they don't know where all the liquid shooting out of the girl's Vagina area or her love zone or whatever nerds call it. 1.00

01:23:26.000 But isn't a pee hole? 0.99

01:23:27.000 But hold on a second.

01:23:28.000 Because that's where it would come out anyway. 1.00

01:23:30.000 Because isn't a pee hole like literally when a woman gets testosterone treatment to become a man, her clit grows to become like a small penis. 1.00

01:23:37.000 Pussy boner. 1.00

01:23:38.000 And that the penis is obviously where any sexual ejaculate would come out of. 1.00

01:23:41.000 So of course it's going to come out of where you pee. 1.00

01:23:44.000 I don't really know.

01:23:45.000 What is it?

01:23:46.000 Is it real?

01:23:47.000 I mean, this is like Bigfoot. 0.98

01:23:48.000 I mean, I used to date a girl that fucking juiced on me, and it was like in my belly button like a puddle, and it wasn't pee, though. 0.98

01:23:55.000 It was just, it was like a broth. 1.00

01:23:59.000 You know, when the woman's vagina gets moist, it's not dripping out of her pee hole. 1.00

01:24:06.000 It's coming from inside. 1.00

01:24:07.000 I don't think this is moistening.

01:24:08.000 It's not lubricant.

01:24:09.000 That's what squirting is supposed to be. 1.00

01:24:12.000 Really? 0.95

01:24:12.000 And when you see it coming out of the pee hole, it's pee. 0.95

01:24:16.000 Whoa. 0.99

01:24:16.000 I didn't know that it was supposed to come out of the vagina like that. 0.99

01:24:19.000 And a lot of times when you see this Spider-Man trick that they do when they finger the pussy and they press... 1.00

01:24:24.000 Spider-Man? 0.99

01:24:25.000 So you do the fingers like when Spider-Man is shooting his web?

01:24:28.000 Yeah.

01:24:28.000 This is like the Axel Braun method.

01:24:30.000 I watched instructional videos and I was like, what are they doing?

01:24:33.000 And they're basically just pushing on the bladder and just forcing pee to come out.

01:24:39.000 Jesus Christ.

01:24:40.000 What?

01:24:40.000 Yeah.

01:24:41.000 And they're just pissing all over each other.

01:24:42.000 That's exactly what it is.

01:24:43.000 If you had to force pee out of somebody, that's exactly how you would do it.

01:24:46.000 So that's what all that spraying is.

01:24:48.000 So girls are spraying on dudes, they're pissing all over them. 1.00

01:24:51.000 Yeah, unless they have an extra juicy G-spot or something like that. 0.99

01:24:58.000 I'm not going to say female ejaculation is a myth because I'm not a doctor and I can't say that. 1.00

01:25:05.000 I mean, and you know, pussies get wet and some pussies are wetter than others. 1.00

01:25:09.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:25:10.000 We're talking to an expert here, Dana D'Armand here live on the podcast.

01:25:13.000 Not a doctor, not a doctor.

01:25:14.000 Hey, call in now. 1.00

01:25:15.000 Can you put a condom on a dick with just putting it in your mouth and doing that trick? 1.00

01:25:18.000 I cannot even remember the last time I used a condom. 1.00

01:25:22.000 God damn! 1.00

01:25:23.000 Wow. 1.00

01:25:24.000 Do you ever worry about diseases?

01:25:25.000 No, I get tested every three weeks.

01:25:28.000 So how do you keep clean when you're just a raw dog?

01:25:30.000 Because everybody gets tested every three weeks.

01:25:33.000 Right.

01:25:33.000 Then you have...

01:25:34.000 Three weeks for a porn star, though? 0.99

01:25:36.000 Jesus Christ. 0.83

01:25:37.000 You don't do like four scenes a day. 1.00

01:25:39.000 How many sorry dicks can you be exposed to in three weeks? 1.00

01:25:41.000 Well, like I worked with Mark Wood twice last week, so it's like the same wiener. 1.00

01:25:46.000 Same wiener, same week.

01:25:47.000 You guys develop like a relationship when you have like sort of an on-screen...

01:25:52.000 Yeah.

01:25:53.000 I mean, I think the people I work with are cool.

01:25:56.000 It's not like I'm like, ooh, like, I'm so super corny for you.

01:26:00.000 Let's do things after this.

01:26:01.000 How many of them wanted to do? 0.84

01:26:02.000 Like, he's married to Francesca Lay, you know, and they're fucking awesome.

01:26:05.000 And I know both of them. 0.92

01:26:06.000 I've worked with both of them.

01:26:07.000 How many of the dudes that are in porn wanted to do mainstream things but couldn't make it and have some sort of a weird thing where they...

01:26:13.000 I don't know.

01:26:14.000 It seems to be like a lot of guys are musicians.

01:26:18.000 And they're all trying to get together a band with all the other dudes.

01:26:22.000 Slingin' Dick.

01:26:23.000 That's what they should call it.

01:26:25.000 That'd be a badass name for a band.

01:26:27.000 Slingin' Dick. 0.96

01:26:28.000 Slingin' Dick. 0.98

01:26:30.000 Maybe I'm a... 0.96

01:26:31.000 I don't know.

01:26:32.000 Maybe I'm just like, oh, I'm at work.

01:26:34.000 I'm doing my work things, but I don't really ask people too much about their personal lives.

01:26:36.000 Have you ever worked with Tyler Knight?

01:26:38.000 Yeah.

01:26:38.000 Tyler's a very good friend of mine.

01:26:40.000 We were actually just both on Star Trek The Next Generation.

01:26:43.000 Oh, really?

01:26:44.000 A triple X parody.

01:26:45.000 Digital Sun.

01:26:46.000 Nice.

01:26:46.000 And Revolution X. Coming soon.

01:26:48.000 And that was like a big dream for you.

01:26:49.000 And he was Jordi.

01:26:50.000 Yeah, and I was.

01:26:51.000 She's a huge Star Trek fan.

01:26:52.000 I'm a nerd. 1.00

01:26:53.000 She's fucking. 1.00

01:26:54.000 I was stoked. 1.00

01:26:55.000 I called my dad and I was like, I'm reading for the part of Ensign Row for the Star Trek parody.

01:26:59.000 And he was like, that's so cool!

01:27:00.000 And I was like, no dad, if I don't get this part, I'll die.

01:27:04.000 Like super seriously like, no, I need, this has to be my part or I'm freaking out.

01:27:10.000 Tyler is a friend of mine from Jiu Jitsu and he's a really good writer.

01:27:14.000 Have you ever read any of his stuff?

01:27:16.000 No.

01:27:16.000 He's got a blog online.

01:27:18.000 He's smart.

01:27:19.000 He's very smart.

01:27:20.000 He's such a cool guy.

01:27:21.000 He's cute and he's smart and he's very polite.

01:27:23.000 Yeah.

01:27:24.000 He's very well spoken.

01:27:25.000 He was on the podcast.

01:27:26.000 Nice smile.

01:27:26.000 We had him on, and he's a fascinating dude.

01:27:29.000 But I already knew that from talking to him at jiu-jitsu and stuff.

01:27:31.000 But his writing is great.

01:27:33.000 Really interesting stuff.

01:27:34.000 And his writing's about the porn business. 0.98

01:27:36.000 He's got this one story that he wrote about a gangbang that is just like, you fucking feel the loads on the floor as you're reading it. 0.98

01:27:44.000 You feel this sticky room.

01:27:46.000 You feel the heat of all these guys behind you. 0.98

01:27:49.000 He does a masterful job of describing this fucking incredibly gonzo, bizarre... 0.99

01:27:54.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:55.000 Film that they're doing.

01:27:56.000 I mean, you get paid 50 bucks and you wait in line. 0.92

01:27:58.000 You're like one of a hundred guys waiting to, you know, and you're jerking yourself off as you're getting up to this girl who's just covered in loads. 0.85

01:28:05.000 There's loads all over the ground. 0.96

01:28:06.000 Everywhere you walk, there's loads.

01:28:08.000 Wet.

01:28:08.000 It's just like slippery and wet.

01:28:09.000 You're stepping in guys' loads.

01:28:12.000 Everywhere you go.

01:28:12.000 I've never done one of those.

01:28:13.000 There's these little signs that say slippery when wet that they have to put up around the woman. 1.00

01:28:17.000 You know, like at a restaurant.

01:28:18.000 That would be awesome.

01:28:19.000 Who was the first person to do that?

01:28:21.000 Was it Houston?

01:28:22.000 Was she the first?

01:28:22.000 I have no idea.

01:28:24.000 It was probably before I was born.

01:28:25.000 Because the numbers just keep going up.

01:28:27.000 At one point in time, it was like the most people...

01:28:29.000 Some Asian woman, I think. 1.00

01:28:30.000 She had sex with like 200. Sex. 1.00

01:28:32.000 Annabella Chong. 0.52

01:28:34.000 It's a fascinating documentary.

01:28:36.000 And like you, she's very intelligent.

01:28:38.000 She's very unusual.

01:28:40.000 I think she was a student at UCLA. I might be wrong.

01:28:43.000 UCLA or USC, but she's an intelligent person.

01:28:46.000 And she just had this weird desire to test the boundaries of her acceptable sexuality by doing a gangbang film.

01:28:55.000 But it was really interesting.

01:28:58.000 They really got into her psychology and who she is. 0.98

01:29:03.000 I'm like, this is a complex sort of a fucking case where this woman wants to experience the ultimate taboo. 1.00

01:29:10.000 My agent called me one time and he was like, what's the most number of cocks you'll suck? 1.00

01:29:15.000 And I was like, I don't fucking care! 1.00

01:29:19.000 And he was like... 0.98

01:29:20.000 You know, how about eleven?

01:29:22.000 And I was like, fine. 0.96

01:29:23.000 Like, what difference does it make if I fuck eleven dudes in the same day or in pairs of, you know, ones, twos, and threes on five different days? 0.99

01:29:32.000 Well, I would just imagine that after, like, the third or fourth giant black cock, your lips would start to get numb. 0.99

01:29:37.000 No. 1.00

01:29:37.000 In your head, though, is eleven cock days. 1.00

01:29:39.000 Because you're, like, fucking, like, the same amount of time. 1.00

01:29:42.000 When you stretch your mouth, like, you're like... 0.99

01:29:44.000 That seems like it would make your lips numb after a while.

01:29:47.000 You've got a huge mouth.

01:29:48.000 I do have a huge mouth.

01:29:49.000 It's good for my career.

01:29:50.000 Comes in handy?

01:29:51.000 Now, did you know that you wanted to be a porn star when you were younger?

01:29:54.000 No.

01:29:55.000 I actually did part of this as a bit with the Midnight Show guys.

01:30:02.000 They did This Is Your Life, Bob Guccione.

01:30:04.000 The Midnight Show guys?

01:30:05.000 Yeah, UCB. Oh, okay.

01:30:07.000 You know, Hal Redneck and stuff.

01:30:10.000 And...

01:30:13.000 I was like, oh, this is your life, Bob Guccione.

01:30:16.000 And I come out and I'm like, oh, I've been such a big fan of you forever and stuff.

01:30:20.000 Because when I was in the first grade, probably six years old, I found a stack of Playboy magazines that were...

01:30:30.000 In the woods?

01:30:31.000 No, they were my uncle's.

01:30:33.000 My uncle stayed with us part-time.

01:30:34.000 In the attic?

01:30:34.000 No, they were just out in his room.

01:30:38.000 And I remember I took one of those magazines to school, to first grade.

01:30:43.000 And I was like, this is what a naked lady looks like. 1.00

01:30:46.000 I was such a boy.

01:30:48.000 I was such a tomboy when I was that age.

01:30:51.000 But even then I was like, this is what a sexy lady looks like. 1.00

01:30:56.000 And I want to grow up and this is...

01:31:00.000 I want to turn out like this, a sexy lady.

01:31:02.000 That appealed to me.

01:31:04.000 I thought, wow, she's gorgeous. 0.94

01:31:07.000 She's all made up. 0.99

01:31:09.000 She's pretty and naked and thin, nice boobs. 1.00

01:31:13.000 And I was like, yeah, that really appealed to me. 0.90

01:31:15.000 Were you attracted to girls before you started doing movies?

01:31:18.000 Yeah.

01:31:19.000 And I also thought, like, if I don't turn out to be this, I had, like, a failsafe in my brain.

01:31:25.000 I was like, if I don't turn out to be a sexy lady, I would at least want to be with one. 0.99

01:31:29.000 Like, have one, like, as my girlfriend or, like, just, you know, be in the presence of that because it was appealing to me and I found it attractive.

01:31:39.000 I'm a gay.

01:31:40.000 I'm a big gay. 0.97

01:31:42.000 You got a lot going on.

01:31:43.000 I came on your show because I want to say that I'm out. 1.00

01:31:46.000 I have a big pussy boner. 1.00

01:31:48.000 And I have a pussy boner. 1.00

01:31:51.000 And I take it in ass. 1.00

01:31:52.000 So how did you get into your first film? 0.97

01:31:54.000 How did it come about?

01:31:55.000 How old were you?

01:31:55.000 How long have you been doing this?

01:31:58.000 Shoot. 0.97

01:31:59.000 Seven years. 0.85

01:32:00.000 I was 24 when I got in.

01:32:02.000 I'll be 32 in June.

01:32:03.000 And what were you doing before that?

01:32:04.000 I was a stripper. 0.98

01:32:05.000 I was a drunk stripper, too.

01:32:07.000 The best kind.

01:32:08.000 And how did someone approach you and say, hey, I like the way you dance?

01:32:11.000 No, absolutely not.

01:32:13.000 No, I actually quit drinking.

01:32:16.000 I think I already told this story on your show, maybe. 0.99

01:32:18.000 I quit drinking, and I got fired from being a stripper, and I had been thinking about applying to this porn site because it had fucking machines on it. 0.98

01:32:28.000 And this is how I got into the business. 1.00

01:32:29.000 Fucking machines? 1.00

01:32:30.000 Just of sheer, morbid curiosity of fucking a robot. 1.00

01:32:35.000 And just really thinking about it. 1.00

01:32:37.000 And I used to masturbate in the shower. 1.00

01:32:39.000 Right, but fucking a robot and fucking a robot on the internet. 1.00

01:32:41.000 And I heard it's awful. 1.00

01:32:43.000 By the way, what was your experience like fucking a machine? 0.99

01:32:45.000 I had a lot of fun. 0.99

01:32:47.000 Really? 1.00

01:32:48.000 Brian's talked to girls as fuck robots. 1.00

01:32:49.000 I actually talked about it today. 1.00

01:32:50.000 No joke.

01:32:51.000 Really?

01:32:52.000 This comes up all the time for Brian.

01:32:53.000 That's hilarious. 1.00

01:32:55.000 You just have that face that people feel like they can approach you and talk about fucking robots. 0.99

01:32:59.000 He seems like the kind of guy who'd be into it. 0.97

01:33:01.000 You're really kind of into nerdy things.

01:33:02.000 Just have one of those faces. 0.98

01:33:05.000 So yeah, I just ended up applying to that site and that's how I got to do all the bondage stuff is because it's the same company, ran Hog Tide and Wired Pussy and all these holes. 0.70

01:33:15.000 And they even have a female wrestling site, Ultimate Surrender, where they have women wrestling. 0.99

01:33:19.000 So they've got the market cornered on kinky pain shit. 1.00

01:33:22.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00

01:33:25.000 What a weird business.

01:33:26.000 That's huge.

01:33:26.000 They bought the armory up in San Francisco.

01:33:28.000 It's basically a castle.

01:33:30.000 You know what?

01:33:31.000 I saw that online.

01:33:31.000 Or on a television show, rather.

01:33:33.000 There was some sort of an expose on it about how much money they make and how big their business is.

01:33:37.000 Huge.

01:33:37.000 Enormous.

01:33:38.000 But they also really improve that neighborhood.

01:33:40.000 They give back to their community.

01:33:41.000 They do a lot of stuff.

01:33:43.000 They open...

01:33:45.000 They're drill court to, you know, when they have parades and shit, like people can set up their floats. 0.86

01:33:52.000 They open their private business to the community to do things or have swap meets inside there. 1.00

01:33:58.000 It's not like it's a crazy jungle of naked people running around and fucking heathens. 0.98

01:34:04.000 They're people in offices on computers. 0.99

01:34:07.000 San Francisco is a place where that would be accepted.

01:34:09.000 San Francisco is...

01:34:10.000 In my opinion, it's the most open-minded city in the whole country.

01:34:13.000 You'd be surprised.

01:34:14.000 They were in the Wall Street Journal talking about, like, people are... 0.99

01:34:16.000 We know there's people fucking in there. 0.99

01:34:19.000 Well, it doesn't matter. 1.00

01:34:20.000 There's always going to be some people like that.

01:34:22.000 You have kids.

01:34:23.000 Your neighbors have kids.

01:34:24.000 Where do you think their neighbors come from?

01:34:25.000 The amount of people that would support it would be much larger in San Francisco than anywhere else.

01:34:30.000 Of course, you're always going to come across people that are very vocal, that want to fight something.

01:34:34.000 But all in all, San Francisco is the most open-minded city, I think, in the whole country.

01:34:39.000 Hmm.

01:34:40.000 We should do a study on that. 0.99

01:34:42.000 I mean, could you imagine that happening in Chicago where there's a whole block filled with, you know, people that are tying people up and fucking them with rubber robots and shit? 0.99

01:34:50.000 You know? 0.99

01:34:51.000 I don't know.

01:34:51.000 That could only take place in, like, San Francisco.

01:34:53.000 Yeah.

01:34:53.000 I don't think there's any other place that would accept something like that.

01:34:56.000 New York, maybe? 0.99

01:34:57.000 I mean, it seems like New York has a lot of fucking other bondage clubs. 0.98

01:35:00.000 New York and L.A. would be the only other options, I think. 0.98

01:35:02.000 And I think they'd be met with a lot more resistance in New York and L.A. Also, like, Europe, anywhere.

01:35:06.000 Yeah, of course.

01:35:07.000 Berlin, Budapest, I was in Berlin and I turned on the television and...

01:35:13.000 No, not Berlin.

01:35:15.000 Oberhausen?

01:35:15.000 Oberhausen.

01:35:16.000 And I turned on the television and there was a gangbang on TV. Just a full-on gangbang.

01:35:20.000 There's just no warning.

01:35:21.000 Just flipping through the channels. 1.00

01:35:23.000 Yeah, there's ten people fucking in a room. 1.00

01:35:25.000 I'm like, wow, this is wild. 0.99

01:35:26.000 They have a totally different attitude about it. 1.00

01:35:28.000 They just show the shit on television. 1.00

01:35:30.000 Pretty intense. 1.00

01:35:31.000 What are you doing there, Brian?

01:35:32.000 I just looked at the basis for Alice in Chains died.

01:35:36.000 What?

01:35:37.000 When?

01:35:38.000 Of what?

01:35:38.000 Mike Starr.

01:35:40.000 I don't know him.

01:35:41.000 So you don't care? 1.00

01:35:43.000 Fuck him. 1.00

01:35:44.000 He was on Celebrity Rehab. 1.00

01:35:46.000 I don't know if you remember him.

01:35:49.000 Charlie Sheen.

01:35:50.000 Yeah, it looks like they found his body in Salt Lake City.

01:35:53.000 Charlie Sheen lives.

01:35:54.000 Winning.

01:35:55.000 Still alive.

01:35:57.000 Barely.

01:35:57.000 He doesn't have tiger blood.

01:35:58.000 I don't know.

01:35:59.000 He doesn't have Adonis DNA. He's not a frickin' rock star from Mars. 0.68

01:36:03.000 Well, I guess that guy probably didn't have to pay girls $30,000 to have sex with him either. 0.98

01:36:09.000 Oh, he probably has.

01:36:10.000 He's got a lot of money. 1.00

01:36:11.000 Shit. 1.00

01:36:11.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:36:11.000 Make things happen. 1.00

01:36:12.000 But he's a rock star.

01:36:13.000 The crazy thing is, Charlie's so cute.

01:36:15.000 He's not like a doughy, slippery, sweaty guy with five kids.

01:36:19.000 Because that's what I see when I see Charlie Sheen. 1.00

01:36:21.000 I would rather fuck a rock star than, like, somebody that has fucking five kids. 1.00

01:36:24.000 Well, the crazy thing is that Charlie Sheen calls himself a rock star, but he's on this really family sitcom. 1.00

01:36:28.000 I, like, forgot that he wasn't dead for, like, the longest.

01:36:31.000 He's on this complete family sitcom, you know?

01:36:34.000 I mean, it's like this really bland, you know, kind of...

01:36:38.000 You know, it's no edge to it.

01:36:41.000 It's, like, really vanilla, you know?

01:36:44.000 It's the number one comedy for some reason.

01:36:45.000 I talked to my friend today, and he watches it every week, and I'm like, really?

01:36:48.000 You watch that show? 0.99

01:36:49.000 There's like a fat kid, Charlie Sheen, and like a gay guy. 1.00

01:36:52.000 Yeah, but he's like, well, it's the exact same show every week. 0.68

01:36:56.000 It's like the same premise every week, but he's like, it's one of those shows you can just kind of watch, and it's easy to watch.

01:37:03.000 It's smooth enough.

01:37:04.000 It's smooth.

01:37:04.000 And it's funny enough.

01:37:06.000 Well, you know what, man?

01:37:07.000 Reality television has proven that you don't really need to be that funny to get people to watch it.

01:37:12.000 It needs to become a part of their everyday existence.

01:37:15.000 They get like, let's see what's going on on Ice Road Truckers. 1.00

01:37:17.000 Shit, the boys are on a slippery road again! 1.00

01:37:20.000 Again. 1.00

01:37:20.000 Imagine that. 1.00

01:37:21.000 Ice Road Truckers.

01:37:23.000 There's a show about slippery roads.

01:37:26.000 If that can exist, you can have a show about anything.

01:37:29.000 In a sitcom that's been around for a while, it's fairly decent, it's got a few good laughs in it. 0.96

01:37:34.000 But I bet for Charlie Sheen, he's smoking coke and banging whores, and then he's going and doing this super bland television show. 1.00

01:37:41.000 I bet that built up inside of him. 0.99

01:37:43.000 I bet that made him go more over the edge.

01:37:47.000 I really do believe that.

01:37:48.000 His character was pretty much himself, though, in that show. 1.00

01:37:51.000 I mean, it might have been a vanilla show, but he still was a drunk guy that just fucked a bunch of chicks. 0.99

01:37:55.000 I mean, it was like he wasn't really off his road a little. 0.99

01:37:59.000 No, no, no, sure.

01:38:00.000 What?

01:38:01.000 Can he act? 1.00

01:38:02.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:38:02.000 Can we see Platoon? 1.00

01:38:03.000 Can we see Wall Street? 1.00

01:38:04.000 Charlie Sheen can act his fucking ass off. 1.00

01:38:07.000 I didn't see either, though. 1.00

01:38:08.000 Listen, Charlie Sheen was a bad motherfucker when he was a young man. 0.99

01:38:10.000 I've seen Ferris Bueller stay off. 0.99

01:38:11.000 He's not in that, does he?

01:38:13.000 Yeah, he's in the office.

01:38:14.000 Oh, yeah.

01:38:15.000 He's like the really hot guy that's in trouble and the girl's there with him.

01:38:19.000 Yeah, Jennifer Grey.

01:38:20.000 His original nose.

01:38:21.000 She's all excited about him.

01:38:22.000 What was the movie that Charlie Sheen... 1.00

01:38:24.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:38:25.000 That wasn't a bad nose. 1.00

01:38:27.000 That's your nose, hooker. 1.00

01:38:28.000 What was the movie that Charlie Sheen... 0.98

01:38:29.000 He was in Hot Shots, he was in Scary Movie 3 or 4. What was the movie that Charlie Sheen played himself?

01:38:36.000 But it played like him, like he was friends with the main character.

01:38:39.000 I think of John Malkovich.

01:38:40.000 Yes, John Malkovich.

01:38:42.000 That was an awesome cameo with him in it.

01:38:45.000 Do you remember that?

01:38:46.000 No, hardly.

01:38:47.000 As far as I can tell, he plays himself, I think.

01:38:49.000 Yeah.

01:38:50.000 I don't know.

01:38:50.000 Charlie Sheen, you see Platoon.

01:38:51.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:38:52.000 I haven't seen that. 1.00

01:38:53.000 You see Wall Street.

01:38:53.000 Is that bad?

01:38:54.000 It's very good. 0.98

01:38:55.000 It's all fucking good. 0.93

01:38:57.000 You know what holds up, dude? 0.97

01:38:58.000 What?

01:38:59.000 Silence of the Lambs. 0.99

01:39:00.000 Holds the fuck up. 0.99

01:39:01.000 I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night. 1.00

01:39:02.000 It's a good goddamn movie still. 0.99

01:39:04.000 It still holds up. 1.00

01:39:05.000 Put that fucking lotion in the basket. 1.00

01:39:07.000 Yeah, it's good, man. 1.00

01:39:08.000 It's well written.

01:39:09.000 It's well acted.

01:39:10.000 She was a big girl. 1.00

01:39:11.000 Dude, fucking Anthony Hopkins was a bad motherfucker in that movie. 1.00

01:39:16.000 Still, you know he's become like this guy that does these movies that suck. 1.00

01:39:20.000 He played the Wolfman's dad. 0.99

01:39:23.000 He's possessed by a demon in every movie.

01:39:25.000 Every single movie.

01:39:26.000 You didn't see the Wolfman, did you?

01:39:27.000 No, but he was also in Super Mario Brothers, wasn't he? 0.99

01:39:30.000 He was in something fucking retarded. 1.00

01:39:31.000 Even in the Wolfman, which is a terrible movie, he still has these scenes, these moments where he's just this... 1.00

01:39:39.000 Bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:39:40.000 He's just doing crappy-ass movies. 1.00

01:39:42.000 But you go back to Silence of the Lambs and you realize what he's capable of, if he gets a good script, if he gets a good part. 0.97

01:39:48.000 Anthony Hopkins just smashes it out of the ballpark in that movie.

01:39:52.000 Woo! 0.99

01:39:52.000 Fucking smashes it, dude. 0.99

01:39:54.000 He's so on, like it crackles. 1.00

01:39:56.000 Like, it makes you nervous for her while she's talking to him. 0.99

01:39:59.000 Like, you fucking believe 100%. 1.00

01:40:01.000 That dude has murder in his mind. 1.00

01:40:03.000 When he's talking and he's talking to her, Anthony Hopkins is fucking thinking about eating her. 1.00

01:40:08.000 He's thinking about cutting her. 1.00

01:40:09.000 He's allowing himself to go to some crazy, dark place where he's acting. 0.99

01:40:14.000 Where you can tell, like, that's really what he's fucking thinking about, man. 0.99

01:40:18.000 He can turn it on. 1.00

01:40:19.000 He can go to that dark, crazy, psychotic, worst-case scenario human example. 0.84

01:40:24.000 He can go there in his mind.

01:40:26.000 That's the difference, man.

01:40:27.000 It's just like comedy, man. 0.98

01:40:29.000 It's like you have to really be fucking thinking about what you're saying. 0.93

01:40:33.000 There's not just the words and the noises that represent certain things to me. 0.98

01:40:36.000 I got to know that you're thinking about these things as you're saying them.

01:40:40.000 That's the difference between a great performance and a performance that's just kind of mediocre and can trick dummies.

01:40:46.000 If someone's really nailing it.

01:40:49.000 I told a 22-year-old actor that just got here from LA, I was like, acting is just pretending like you don't know what you're going to say next, and he got so offended, and he ended up moving back to Tennessee. 1.00

01:40:57.000 Fuck you! 1.00

01:40:59.000 Can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, bitch! 1.00

01:41:02.000 Listen, if that's all that set this fucking kid off, with some porn star telling him that acting is fake, I've always said that if you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to a crazy girlfriend, you can act under pressure. 1.00

01:41:15.000 It's not that hard. 0.99

01:41:16.000 It's just pretending.

01:41:17.000 The hard thing is auditions.

01:41:19.000 Auditions are way harder because you have to pretend that it's happening when you're in this really unrealistic scenario.

01:41:24.000 You're sitting in this office and there's people in desks, chairs, and they're facing you with paper in their hand.

01:41:29.000 They're reading off the paper and you're responding like it's real.

01:41:32.000 You're like, this is just too strange.

01:41:35.000 It doesn't ring real to me.

01:41:37.000 I don't really do well in those types of scenarios.

01:41:39.000 Have you done any 3D movies for real?

01:41:41.000 Yeah, I just did three penthouse movies.

01:41:44.000 And how do they differ from doing regular movies?

01:41:47.000 Do they make you do weird angles, like you have to spread your lips out towards the cameras?

01:41:51.000 Well, like when you disrobe or something, you would sort of throw your clothes toward the camera or put one leg off the bed, kind of tangling toward the camera or something.

01:42:01.000 What about when guys shoot loads?

01:42:03.000 Do they shoot them at the camera?

01:42:05.000 I don't really notice.

01:42:06.000 I'm kind of in the zone during that part of the filming.

01:42:10.000 If you don't have a pillow behind you, you don't want to smash your head on the headboard.

01:42:12.000 The camera has to be eight feet away for the 3D effect to work.

01:42:18.000 Clearly, you've never seen my loads.

01:42:21.000 You're very far away.

01:42:22.000 You've never seen the distance I can get.

01:42:24.000 What is it about some dudes eat, like Peter North?

01:42:27.000 What does that guy eat to make so much sperm? 1.00

01:42:29.000 It's ridiculous. 0.99

01:42:30.000 Zinc supplements? 0.98

01:42:31.000 Is that what it is?

01:42:32.000 Zinc.

01:42:32.000 I gotta remember this.

01:42:33.000 My ex-boyfriend told me also PC exercises, like the muscle that you use to stop your pee.

01:42:39.000 Oh, right.

01:42:39.000 You know, like a Kegel, like a woman has a Kegel muscle, like the PC muscle is what guys have, I guess.

01:42:45.000 Apparently, if you just do that a lot, it can strengthen the muscle and you'll shoot further.

01:42:50.000 Really?

01:42:51.000 Yeah.

01:42:52.000 I'm doing it right now.

01:42:52.000 Some people just drink egg whites.

01:42:54.000 I'm exercising it right now.

01:42:55.000 Egg whites?

01:42:56.000 Yeah.

01:42:56.000 They think if it looks like loads, loads will come out more.

01:42:59.000 That's some wives tales type shit. 1.00

01:43:02.000 It's probably psychological, man. 1.00

01:43:05.000 It's probably some placebo effect.

01:43:06.000 It's like The Secret, but with loads.

01:43:09.000 The Secret.

01:43:10.000 Put it on your vision board.

01:43:11.000 Huge loads.

01:43:12.000 I'm going to shoot the longest load ever.

01:43:14.000 What do you think is the furthest anyone's ever shoot a load?

01:43:16.000 Because I remember hitting myself in the face once when I was 16 and being shocked.

01:43:22.000 I pulled out and Sometimes they just zip past my face.

01:43:27.000 I still do that.

01:43:28.000 I make it rain all the time.

01:43:30.000 Why is this squirting on my forehead?

01:43:32.000 Sometimes they go really far.

01:43:34.000 What's the furthest you think anybody's ever shot a load?

01:43:36.000 Spider-Man.

01:43:37.000 What is the furthest?

01:43:38.000 Is it even five feet?

01:43:39.000 Probably more, right?

01:43:40.000 I would say so.

01:43:41.000 It depends if you have an arc or...

01:43:43.000 What the temperature's like, if there's the headwinds.

01:43:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:43:46.000 It's like Tiger Woods golf. 1.00

01:43:46.000 Depends on how long your dick is. 1.00

01:43:48.000 Because a guy like some giant dick John Holmes type dude would have a massive advantage. 1.00

01:43:52.000 He's got a six inch reach advantage. 0.99

01:43:54.000 It's like John Jones.

01:43:55.000 But maybe it loses some pressure going through that long of a tick.

01:44:00.000 Dude, I like the way you're thinking.

01:44:01.000 Scientifically, I like that.

01:44:03.000 Maybe a shorter barrel...

01:44:05.000 We'll get more of an explosion.

01:44:06.000 You got a lot.

01:44:07.000 It makes sense, right?

01:44:07.000 Like a.38 Special.

01:44:08.000 But it seems like a rifle would be much more accurate, right?

01:44:11.000 Yeah.

01:44:11.000 Here's a little tip, by the way.

01:44:12.000 If you put a little bit of green...

01:44:13.000 Shotgun, just bunk shot.

01:44:15.000 Like St. Paddy's Day.

01:44:17.000 St. Paddy's Day.

01:44:18.000 This is awesome.

01:44:19.000 St. Paddy's Day. 1.00

01:44:19.000 Put a little bit of green food coloring around your dick before you have sex. 1.00

01:44:22.000 And when you shoot out, it actually is green. 1.00

01:44:24.000 Yeah, that's good. 0.98

01:44:24.000 And what if you make a baby and it fucking looks like the Hulk? 0.98

01:44:27.000 A green baby, because that could happen. 1.00

01:44:29.000 Stupid asshole. 1.00

01:44:29.000 What if you ruin the baby? 1.00

01:44:30.000 What if it gets in the spermatozoa, and the spermatozoa gets some crazy green signal and shoots it into the egg, and somehow the kid becomes green? 0.90

01:44:38.000 That would be fucking awesome. 0.70

01:44:39.000 I wonder if it's ever happened before. 0.93

01:44:41.000 I mean, not that, but if anybody's ever done something where the kid came out of funky color because of that.

01:44:49.000 I'm sure that people have probably been tricked to think that.

01:44:52.000 Like maybe a white woman having a half-black baby, and was like, ah, it's a... 0.77

01:44:56.000 Recessive gene. 0.75

01:44:58.000 Right, honey?

01:44:59.000 Back in the old days, right?

01:45:01.000 Look, that's the story of Jesus. 0.99

01:45:02.000 I mean, the story of Jesus most likely is that Mary's a whore, right? 0.99

01:45:06.000 That's the story of Jesus, right? 0.98

01:45:08.000 Immaculate conception. 1.00

01:45:09.000 Right, come on, bitch. 1.00

01:45:11.000 What kind of crazy shit is this? 1.00

01:45:13.000 But back then, in the biblical days, you just had to accept it. 1.00

01:45:15.000 Maybe she was raped by one of those strong men. 0.95

01:45:18.000 Maybe she wanted it. 1.00

01:45:20.000 She cried rape. 0.99

01:45:20.000 Yeah, she dressed in like that. 0.99

01:45:22.000 Living in her fucking robes. 1.00

01:45:23.000 I see your ankles, bitch. 1.00

01:45:25.000 Maybe she had a dirty ass, too. 1.00

01:45:27.000 And back then, you only lived to be like 30. You had to get your rapings in while you could. 1.00

01:45:31.000 Oh my gosh, this is horrible.

01:45:34.000 You guys. 1.00

01:45:34.000 Listen, you've had an electric charge inside your asshole. 1.00

01:45:37.000 If this is horrible... 1.00

01:45:39.000 It was consensual.

01:45:39.000 It was very consensual.

01:45:40.000 So is this conversation.

01:45:41.000 Yeah.

01:45:41.000 We've all agreed to be here.

01:45:43.000 And these people have agreed to tune in.

01:45:44.000 And I know 2,360 of them right now are regretting their choice.

01:45:48.000 Oh, you guys.

01:45:49.000 It's cool.

01:45:50.000 No, it is cool.

01:45:51.000 That's a lot of people.

01:45:52.000 Well, it's going to be a lot more than that when they listen to the whole thing.

01:45:54.000 I forgot anyone was watching this right now.

01:45:56.000 You've done other podcasts before, right?

01:45:57.000 Yeah.

01:45:58.000 Did you do Marin's too?

01:45:59.000 Death Squad, yeah.

01:46:00.000 I did Marin.

01:46:01.000 I just did the Nerdist podcast.

01:46:03.000 Oh, see, what's fascinating about you is as far as girls that are in your business, you're much more known for your personality than any of the other ones. 1.00

01:46:11.000 Thanks.

01:46:12.000 And I think a lot of it is those videos that you do.

01:46:14.000 Yeah, probably.

01:46:15.000 My mailbag.

01:46:15.000 Like the Adam Sandler video, you're breaking things down.

01:46:17.000 Yeah, like what else do you do? 0.99

01:46:18.000 Breaking shit down. 0.98

01:46:19.000 You have a mailbag where you read people's emails and respond to them. 0.97

01:46:21.000 Yeah, when MySpace was, before it was like just a spam graveyard, I would get like this really super heinous hate mail that was so, just so many different levels of wrong and rude and misspelled and English and English? 1.00

01:46:37.000 Yeah, just like really mean like, I hope you get fucking cancer in your brain and die of AIDS because you're a whore and you should accept Jesus in your life. 1.00

01:46:46.000 And I'm just like, that makes no sense. 1.00

01:46:48.000 Yeah, right? 0.99

01:46:49.000 Jesus Christ would not fucking waste his time to wish me dead of AIDS and cancer. 0.99

01:46:55.000 Like... 1.00

01:46:56.000 Yeah, Jesus Christ would try to help you out, you fuck. 1.00

01:46:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:46:59.000 How about you, dude? 0.99

01:47:01.000 Ignorance. 0.98

01:47:02.000 Well, there's a lot of that out there.

01:47:04.000 When you're allowed to be anonymous, it's a very normal situation. 0.89

01:47:07.000 It's so gross.

01:47:08.000 It's an unnatural situation in human behavior.

01:47:10.000 We're supposed to, like, we get rewards and we get pleasure and we get all this from interacting with each other.

01:47:16.000 But when you're interacting with each other completely anonymously through, like, wires and it's all ones and zeros.

01:47:21.000 You can take them down a peg and say something really mean.

01:47:24.000 Dude, I get that all day.

01:47:25.000 I get it every day.

01:47:26.000 On Twitter, there's always some douchey dude who says something.

01:47:28.000 And I just block him.

01:47:29.000 Like, I don't have time.

01:47:31.000 I'm not going to argue with you.

01:47:32.000 It's not like we can't spare followers.

01:47:34.000 You have 200,000-something.

01:47:36.000 I have 37,000-something.

01:47:38.000 I mean, it's cool.

01:47:38.000 Not even that.

01:47:39.000 I would rather have one that follows me.

01:47:41.000 That's nice.

01:47:41.000 That's it.

01:47:42.000 If 280 million people wanted to be cunts, I would stop being on Twitter. 0.98

01:47:46.000 It's so rude. 0.98

01:47:47.000 It's fun, though. 0.99

01:47:48.000 The cool people way, way, way outnumber the shitheads. 0.96

01:47:51.000 You get really cool interaction. 0.94

01:47:54.000 Last night, I wrote on Twitter that Charlie Sheen was reminding me of Hunter S. Thompson the way he's talking.

01:47:59.000 And I said we were right outside of Barstow when the drugs began to take hold.

01:48:02.000 And then I got like hundreds and hundreds of tweets of people quoting Hunter S. Thompson lines from the book. 0.98

01:48:09.000 It was fucking great. 0.94

01:48:10.000 It's cool. 0.99

01:48:10.000 It was really good. 0.99

01:48:11.000 Let's get down to brass tacks.

01:48:12.000 How much for the ape?

01:48:13.000 And they just kept coming over and over again. 0.98

01:48:15.000 I'm like, this is fucking awesome. 0.79

01:48:17.000 This is like a really interesting thing to interact with like-minded people. 0.94

01:48:21.000 There's a lot of smart people on the internet.

01:48:22.000 Yes, yeah.

01:48:23.000 I have a message board, and I want you to be a part of it. 0.99

01:48:26.000 Because you would fit in like a fucking glove. 0.99

01:48:28.000 It's a great message board, and it's all psychos and weirdos. 1.00

01:48:31.000 What's it called?

01:48:32.000 It's on JoeRoga.net.

01:48:34.000 I'll make you a moderator, for sure.

01:48:35.000 Oh, really?

01:48:36.000 We need more women. 1.00

01:48:36.000 We only have a couple women moderators. 1.00

01:48:38.000 I've got to make sure that you can handle it at first.

01:48:41.000 Yeah, you can't snap and go crazy.

01:48:43.000 Yeah, you can't get in arguments with people.

01:48:44.000 It's not worth it. 0.99

01:48:45.000 But when people are douchebags, I send them to the retard room. 1.00

01:48:48.000 I have two rooms. 0.97

01:48:49.000 Well, one is the main...

01:48:51.000 The main forum you can go to.

01:48:53.000 There's a combat sports forum for MMA stuff.

01:48:55.000 And then there's a regular forum.

01:48:58.000 And then there's a podcast forum.

01:48:59.000 And then there's special ed. 0.98

01:49:01.000 And special ed is if you're a douchebag. 1.00

01:49:03.000 If you act like a shithead. 1.00

01:49:04.000 You can't handle it. 1.00

01:49:05.000 You're stupid. 1.00

01:49:06.000 Think about what you did. 1.00

01:49:07.000 Yeah, you want to insult people all the time for no reason. 1.00

01:49:09.000 Get in the fucking tarb bin, dummy. 0.99

01:49:11.000 Yeah, but because of that, we've established a pattern and accepted levels of communication. 1.00

01:49:16.000 Everybody's really cool there. 1.00

01:49:18.000 It's a fascinating fucking shit. 1.00

01:49:21.000 Yeah, and fascinating fucking shit comes out of there. 1.00

01:49:23.000 There's so many interesting... 1.00

01:49:25.000 There's a story that I read on there the other day about these new fungi that they found in the Amazon rainforest that turns ants into zombies.

01:49:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:49:33.000 It takes over the ant's brain.

01:49:35.000 Ants are horrible anyway.

01:49:36.000 Well, that's why they're there.

01:49:37.000 They're there to keep the ant population at bay.

01:49:40.000 This fungus grows inside an ant's body, rewires it.

01:49:42.000 Oh, and it drills into its head.

01:49:43.000 Grows right out of its head.

01:49:45.000 And it grows out of its head and eats its ant juice out of its little skeletal. 0.65

01:49:50.000 And it also causes other ants to cannibalize.

01:49:52.000 They cannibalize each other.

01:49:54.000 And there's four different types of them.

01:49:55.000 And then when one bullet ant will find that this fungus has infected one of their own, they kill it and take it deep into the woods.

01:50:02.000 Deep into the jungle. 0.99

01:50:03.000 Yeah, it's like they know what the fuck is on. 1.00

01:50:05.000 Fascinating shit, man. 1.00

01:50:06.000 That was like a life narrated by Oprah Winfrey, I think. 1.00

01:50:08.000 Was it really?

01:50:09.000 I think that was.

01:50:10.000 It was like the generic version of Planet Earth. 1.00

01:50:13.000 Oprah's such a badass bitch. 1.00

01:50:15.000 I watched the Oprah Network. 1.00

01:50:18.000 I've been watching it.

01:50:18.000 It's fascinating to me.

01:50:20.000 I watched it the other day.

01:50:21.000 Yeah, I got a TV in my gym and I was working out in the gym.

01:50:23.000 I was watching the Oprah Network and I was watching her.

01:50:26.000 You have other stuff on there.

01:50:27.000 She was considering whether or not she should have Nadia Suleiman on her show, whether they should help her, and they decided to get someone to come on and help her financially.

01:50:35.000 No one should help her, ever.

01:50:37.000 It's interesting, though.

01:50:38.000 It's interesting listening to Oprah, like how she talks and how she thinks.

01:50:42.000 You get behind that woman.

01:50:43.000 She really is all about reaching out and helping people be the best person they can be and love.

01:50:50.000 That's really what she's into.

01:50:52.000 It's so easy to criticize her.

01:50:54.000 It's so cliche.

01:50:54.000 She's on TV all the time.

01:50:57.000 She's an easy target. 1.00

01:50:59.000 But when you look at what she does, she is a bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:51:03.000 Yeah, for sure. 1.00

01:51:04.000 Oprah is legit. 0.99

01:51:05.000 Everyone would hate the shit out of her if she wasn't. 0.99

01:51:08.000 With the amount of money that she has. 1.00

01:51:10.000 If she was being like Charlie Sheen is, people would be like, fuck you. 1.00

01:51:15.000 You black lesbian bitch. 1.00

01:51:17.000 I got this bitch in rockstar life. 1.00

01:51:19.000 Can you imagine if she was talking about it in rockstar life? 1.00

01:51:21.000 I'm like a freaking rockstar from Mars!

01:51:25.000 Hang out with my friends! 0.97

01:51:27.000 If anybody's a rockstar from Mars, it's Oprah. 0.94

01:51:30.000 She has some man that's just in the shadows and shuts his hole.

01:51:34.000 That guy doesn't even talk unless spoken to.

01:51:36.000 Stedman sits around, waits. 0.99

01:51:37.000 He waits three paces behind her and he doesn't say shit unless she asks him a question. 0.99

01:51:42.000 I bet Oprah has a very big area loss. 0.99

01:51:45.000 I don't think they're even together anymore.

01:51:45.000 They're not together anymore.

01:51:46.000 I don't think they are.

01:51:47.000 Yeah, I don't think they are.

01:51:47.000 Did Gail finally force it out?

01:51:48.000 I think she's full Gail. 0.63

01:51:50.000 Full Gail?

01:51:51.000 That's the rumor, right?

01:51:52.000 That's what's up.

01:51:53.000 That's cool.

01:51:53.000 I mean, the Odin station has a bunch of gay-friendly stuff on it.

01:51:58.000 They had a great show the other day.

01:51:59.000 I was on the Oprah network, and it was all about transsexuals.

01:52:03.000 - It was very eye opening, man, to look into.

01:52:06.000 'Cause I have a friend whose son is becoming a transsexual.

01:52:11.000 His son is about to change from a man to a woman. 0.99

01:52:14.000 And it's really strange because his son's about to change from a man to a woman and his son is like into girls still. 0.98

01:52:21.000 So his son is like becoming a lesbian. - He's a lesbian. - Very, very bizarre. 1.00

01:52:24.000 And he's gonna go, apparently, I don't know if he's gonna go through the operation, I don't know what the entire full story is, but they had this whole show dedicated to it and they had some kids.

01:52:33.000 I mean, there was a boy that was like a little boy.

01:52:36.000 He looked like he was seven or eight years old, and he was wearing a dress.

01:52:39.000 And he wanted to be a girl.

01:52:41.000 And I'm like, whoa.

01:52:42.000 Because the younger you start, the more convincing you can be.

01:52:45.000 If you just avoid going through the whole male puberty thing, you stand a chance of being a more convincing woman after your transition.

01:52:52.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:52:53.000 I mean, if you can really be sure of your choice at that young an age, but it's, God, you talk to the parents and it's like very convincing what they're saying.

01:52:59.000 It's not like, it's so easy if you're a normal gender-oriented person.

01:53:03.000 I don't think anybody has that phase where you're like seven years old and you're like, I'm transgendered.

01:53:09.000 It's not a phase. 0.99

01:53:11.000 It's not a fucking phase. 0.94

01:53:12.000 I agree with you, but who knows if it's a part of what's going on as you're young and then as your hormones kick in, as you become 18 and 19. Maybe you say, no, I'm just a gay man. 0.99

01:53:21.000 Maybe it's that simple.

01:53:22.000 Maybe you'll transition.

01:53:25.000 What I'm saying is...

01:53:26.000 Just very lady-ish. 0.99

01:53:27.000 I don't think you should really necessarily be fucking with your hormones until they settle in. 0.99

01:53:32.000 I mean, I can understand someone being a grown adult and saying, okay, I want to be a woman. 0.99

01:53:36.000 I've faked this too long.

01:53:38.000 This is what I want to do. 1.00

01:53:39.000 But when you're a child, shit, I don't even know what the fuck I was going to... 0.99

01:53:42.000 I mean, could you imagine if you had to choose what you're going to be forever? 0.99

01:53:44.000 But you're a straight dude, you know?

01:53:45.000 That's probably normal for straight dudes. 0.88

01:53:47.000 You know, if I turned out to be a completely straight person, I probably wouldn't have been lusting over nudie magazines and showing them to people and being a little gay.

01:53:56.000 I think you have to account for change. 0.96

01:53:59.000 Like a little gay girl. 1.00

01:54:01.000 Right, when you're talking about children, I think you have to account for change.

01:54:04.000 I'm not saying you should completely discredit the idea that this is really a girl trapped in a boy's body.

01:54:10.000 But I'm saying you have to account for change.

01:54:12.000 As far as adding hormones to their body and stuff, that seems like a really radical choice.

01:54:16.000 One of these kids was like 10 years old and they were giving them testosterone.

01:54:19.000 People are putting all sorts of crazy medicine in their kids and they're just like, whatever.

01:54:23.000 Kitty Prozac and stuff like that. 0.98

01:54:25.000 Which is another fascinating subject.

01:54:27.000 I think it would be better if a child was like, I know this about myself, instead of some going...

01:54:33.000 My kid is unreasonable because they let the TV babysit it and then pump your kid full of Ritalin because they're hyper.

01:54:40.000 They're just maybe undisciplined.

01:54:41.000 I have a next door neighbor that used to live down the street that was Ritalin up their kid and it was really sad. 0.98

01:54:46.000 That's probably fucking your kid up more than listening to them when they try to identify their sexuality or their gender. 0.97

01:54:51.000 The kid was not a bad kid. 1.00

01:54:52.000 The parents were terrible.

01:54:53.000 They were terrible at parenting, and the kid was lost, and the kid always seemed to me like they just wanted someone to tell them what was up, give them a hug, tell them what was up. 1.00

01:55:01.000 They were two of the most lost kids ever because their parents were a fucking holy wreck. 0.98

01:55:05.000 They would yell at each other in public, and it was just a disaster, and they started peeling their kids up. 0.99

01:55:10.000 And it was like I was living next door to zombies.

01:55:12.000 It was like, look at this.

01:55:13.000 These people have been taken over by spores. 0.99

01:55:16.000 I mean, those pills might as well be the fucking spores that jacked those ants. 0.99

01:55:20.000 It's the same thing. 0.99

01:55:21.000 It's a chemical thing that happens to a kid where it takes over their brain, rewires it, and makes them think and behave totally differently.

01:55:28.000 And then all of a sudden these kids were like these little slack-jawed zombies. 1.00

01:55:31.000 I was like, wow, they done neutered their fucking kids' brains. 1.00

01:55:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:34.000 You know? 1.00

01:55:35.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:55:35.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

01:55:36.000 It's crazy how easy it is to have that sort of power to just do that to your kids. 1.00

01:55:41.000 I know another person who I know his kid is not fucked up and he's got his kid on some sort of riddle and shit because his kid's too active. 1.00

01:55:48.000 Because his kid is fucking alive! 0.99

01:55:50.000 And they're older. 0.99

01:55:51.000 They didn't have the kid until they were in their 50s.

01:55:53.000 They adopted him.

01:55:54.000 They can't keep up. 1.00

01:55:55.000 They can't keep up at all so they have this fucking kid medicated. 1.00

01:55:58.000 Handicap your kid. 1.00

01:55:58.000 Yeah, treat him to the stove. 1.00

01:56:00.000 Whatever.

01:56:00.000 There's nothing wrong with this kid.

01:56:02.000 I've talked to him. 1.00

01:56:03.000 He's just a wild little motherfucker. 1.00

01:56:05.000 So what do they got? 1.00

01:56:06.000 They got him all pilled up.

01:56:07.000 It's like, alright, good luck.

01:56:09.000 How many generations have we had of people that were pilled up like this, though?

01:56:13.000 Oh, forever.

01:56:14.000 No, I don't think so.

01:56:15.000 With social engineering, I mean, Prozac came into mind when I was, I believe when I was in high school was the first time I ever heard of people.

01:56:21.000 But then before that, it was like institutionalizing people and lobotomizing people and shock therapy, like Blue Iris.

01:56:26.000 Right, but it's...

01:56:27.000 You know, she was never normal after that.

01:56:28.000 But it's never reached the extent that it is today.

01:56:30.000 Whoa, what did Blue Iris get? 0.90

01:56:31.000 She had electroshock therapy repeatedly.

01:56:34.000 Oh.

01:56:34.000 Oh, wow.

01:56:35.000 Didn't know that. 1.00

01:56:35.000 And she was like fucked up. 1.00

01:56:37.000 A lot of people don't know who Blue Iris is. 0.99

01:56:39.000 She's on the Howard Stern show a lot.

01:56:40.000 She's an old school porn star, is that what she is? 1.00

01:56:42.000 Yeah, and she passed away. 0.60

01:56:43.000 She passed away? 1.00

01:56:45.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:56:45.000 Yeah, but there's the difference between the few people that are so completely out of control that need to be institutionalized to people that don't like their job so they give you a pill so they don't feel like shit at the end of the day every day. 0.99

01:56:56.000 Right. 0.89

01:56:56.000 Because there's a lot of people that are just doing that. 0.89

01:56:58.000 They're physically not healthy. 1.00

01:56:59.000 Their diet sucks. 1.00

01:57:00.000 They don't exercise. 1.00

01:57:01.000 And they do a job that sucks. 0.97

01:57:02.000 And they wonder why they feel depressed at the end of the day. 0.98

01:57:05.000 I mean, it's real simple.

01:57:06.000 You don't need Prozac. 1.00

01:57:06.000 You need a new fucking life. 1.00

01:57:08.000 I mean, that's what you need to do. 1.00

01:57:09.000 You need to figure out what the fuck you really want to do and realize that you're only here for X amount of years. 1.00

01:57:15.000 So the more time you spend not moving in the direction of your actual interest, the more you're going to fucking hate yourself. 1.00

01:57:21.000 You're going to be depressed. 0.99

01:57:21.000 It's just natural. 0.99

01:57:23.000 But they don't say that. 1.00

01:57:24.000 They give you some fucking pills. 1.00

01:57:25.000 There's a lot of people that need pills. 1.00

01:57:28.000 That's why I joined our cult, Dana.

01:57:33.000 Is this my orientation?

01:57:35.000 I thought that it might be something like that.

01:57:38.000 That wasn't water you've been drinking.

01:57:40.000 We need funny chicks and you're totally invited. 1.00

01:57:43.000 If you want to be in, you can be in our cult at any time.

01:57:46.000 Our cult is... 0.99

01:57:47.000 All you have to do is just don't be a douchebag. 0.99

01:57:49.000 It's so simple. 0.98

01:57:49.000 I try. 0.98

01:57:50.000 I don't know.

01:57:51.000 Well, you are a little, but it's natural.

01:57:54.000 Look at what you do.

01:57:55.000 Look at how many people are yelling at you. 0.99

01:57:56.000 Look at how many people are pointing at you and sending you shitty emails all day. 1.00

01:57:59.000 It's natural to be on the defensive and start fucking with Jennifer Anderson. 1.00

01:58:02.000 I know. 0.99

01:58:04.000 It's natural.

01:58:05.000 She's so harmless.

01:58:06.000 She's so harmless. 0.99

01:58:07.000 And I think it's so funny because Chelsea Handler was like, Angelina Jolie is a cunt because she was friends with Jennifer Anderson. 0.99

01:58:13.000 Oh, really? 0.99

01:58:14.000 And I was like, oh, look at Chelsea Handler sticking up with Jennifer Aniston. 0.99

01:58:17.000 I've known Chelsea forever.

01:58:18.000 Oh, my God.

01:58:19.000 I think it's so funny.

01:58:20.000 I've known Chelsea since the early days of... 0.99

01:58:21.000 I wrote one of the reviews of her book.

01:58:24.000 Her first book was My Horizontal Life.

01:58:27.000 She's a... 0.94

01:58:28.000 I love party girls. 0.98

01:58:29.000 Yeah.

01:58:29.000 To me, I think...

01:58:30.000 She loves a party.

01:58:31.000 It takes every kind of people like that song...

01:58:32.000 Takes every kind of people.

01:58:36.000 When are you going to get her on the podcast?

01:58:37.000 We need to get her.

01:58:38.000 She's probably way too busy.

01:58:39.000 I wouldn't even ask her.

01:58:40.000 She's got a sitcom going on.

01:58:41.000 She's got some sort of a reality show going on about her show. 0.82

01:58:43.000 And then she's got her show. 0.99

01:58:45.000 She's way too busy. 0.98

01:58:46.000 Do you really get a show about a show that's already a show?

01:58:49.000 Really?

01:58:50.000 Yeah, that's not a show, but she's got a show. 1.00

01:58:53.000 I mean, that's what it is.

01:58:54.000 That's so messed up.

01:58:54.000 Why not?

01:58:55.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:58:55.000 She's got interesting people behind the scenes. 1.00

01:58:57.000 She wants to showcase.

01:58:58.000 Including our friend, our really good friend, Eva.

01:59:01.000 She's on that show. 0.68

01:59:02.000 Eva from Denver.

01:59:04.000 Yeah.

01:59:04.000 She's our assistant, I think.

01:59:06.000 Oh, yeah.

01:59:06.000 Eva's the best.

01:59:07.000 I love that chick. 1.00

01:59:08.000 I haven't talked to her in forever.

01:59:09.000 She was this really cool chick that worked for the Denver Comedy Works. 0.99

01:59:12.000 Just super on the ball and super friendly.

01:59:14.000 She used to take us to media. 0.98

01:59:15.000 Like, one of the nicest people ever.

01:59:16.000 And then became friends with Chelsea.

01:59:18.000 She was such a diamond that it was just waiting for someone to come along and scoop her up. 0.69

01:59:22.000 Yeah, and grab her. 0.97

01:59:22.000 I told her if she moved to LA, I would give her a job as an assistant. 0.97

01:59:25.000 I'm like, you're the coolest chick ever.

01:59:27.000 I've never even thought about having an assistant because it seems so preposterous that you really can't. 0.99

01:59:31.000 What the fuck? 0.99

01:59:32.000 You got a business manager. 1.00

01:59:33.000 You also need an assistant.

01:59:34.000 Could you go get me a latte?

01:59:36.000 Get out of here. 0.99

01:59:36.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

01:59:37.000 But for her, I would do it just to give her a job. 0.98

01:59:38.000 That's why you have kids.

01:59:39.000 You can convince them to do things for you.

01:59:40.000 Get a two-year-old.

01:59:41.000 Get your latte.

01:59:41.000 Watch what happens.

01:59:42.000 Go to the fridge and get me.

01:59:43.000 They'll come back screaming and covered in burns.

01:59:45.000 I don't know.

01:59:48.000 You can get kids to put away dishes, load dishwasher, dust, vacuum.

01:59:53.000 Sure.

01:59:54.000 Mow the lawn.

01:59:55.000 Mow the lawn when they're a little bit older.

01:59:57.000 Have fun.

01:59:58.000 You can make a game of it.

01:59:59.000 Get them a writing mower.

02:00:01.000 My brother loved that when we were kids.

02:00:03.000 He was like...

02:00:05.000 My parents bought me this thing so I could mow the lawn.

02:00:08.000 I could ride it.

02:00:09.000 I can drive this thing. 1.00

02:00:10.000 He was so fucking deaf. 1.00

02:00:11.000 And he was actually working. 0.99

02:00:12.000 Well, he loved it.

02:00:12.000 Well, when you're done mowing a lawn, there's an aesthetic sense of pleasure.

02:00:16.000 I hate mowing a lawn.

02:00:17.000 A sense of accomplishment.

02:00:19.000 You've created something visually that's pretty.

02:00:22.000 It's kind of an art form.

02:00:23.000 I used to work for a landscaper.

02:00:24.000 Did you? 0.99

02:00:25.000 I fucking hated mowing a lawn. 0.99

02:00:26.000 That was one of the hardest, annoying things ever. 0.99

02:00:29.000 I only worked for a landscaper for a whole week and he let me go because I kept burning too many lawns. 0.99

02:00:33.000 What I mean is you fuck up, you don't know how to use a lawnmower that well, and you scalp the lawn. 0.98

02:00:39.000 And I scalped a couple lawns and he got mad at me. 1.00

02:00:41.000 It was hard fucking work. 0.99

02:00:43.000 It paid pretty decent for what it was, but you worked every goddamn day from 6.30 in the morning, you showed up at work, and you worked till 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and there was a gang of fucking houses to mow. 1.00

02:00:54.000 You had a whole row of houses, and you had to mow their lawn and chop trees down and shit. 1.00

02:00:58.000 It was back-breaking fucking work, and everybody's a douchebag. 0.98

02:01:01.000 You're working with mostly like, there was like a few guys that were kind of cool, but there was a lot of like, you know, there's a lot of resentment. 0.99

02:01:08.000 To anybody new that was coming along that might possibly take this shitty job away.

02:01:11.000 It was real weird, man. 0.98

02:01:14.000 Terrible. 1.00

02:01:14.000 That's like some junkyard dog type of shit. 1.00

02:01:16.000 Labor is hard, man. 1.00

02:01:17.000 Getting a job as a laborer in any sort of realm, construction. 0.67

02:01:21.000 That's one of the best ways to get motivated to get your shit together as a guy. 0.99

02:01:26.000 Get a fucking job carrying bricks around all day. 0.99

02:01:29.000 Get a job where you realize what work really is. 1.00

02:01:32.000 Where you realize what it really feels like to be exhausted for five dollars an hour.

02:01:37.000 Five dollars an hour and you're carrying bricks all day.

02:01:39.000 I would have no idea what that would be like ever.

02:01:41.000 It's the worst.

02:01:42.000 But it makes you... 1.00

02:01:43.000 I think about that shit all the time. 0.99

02:01:45.000 If I ever think about not writing or ever think about not working out or not getting in the tank or anything like that, I'll think about working on a construction site and carrying bricks and cinder blocks and bags of cement. 1.00

02:01:55.000 I'll think about how hard that was.

02:01:56.000 It's very motivating.

02:01:56.000 What do I have to do?

02:01:57.000 I just got to get up and work at something awesome? 1.00

02:01:59.000 Just get up, bitch. 1.00

02:02:01.000 This is a lot harder things you could be doing. 1.00

02:02:03.000 If you don't have that experience, though, of some fucking terrible thing... 1.00

02:02:06.000 You know, like for you, when you were done with all the electrocutions of the asshole, like going to regular porn must have been like, God damn, this is a cakewalk. 1.00

02:02:14.000 All I have to do is blow somebody? 1.00

02:02:16.000 Yeah. 0.97

02:02:17.000 Now, actually, there's a little bit of a transition that's happening in porn right now where they're kind of going away from that, like... 1.00

02:02:25.000 My blonde wife is getting fucked by six black guys. 1.00

02:02:29.000 Wait a minute, why are they stopping that? 1.00

02:02:31.000 Well, it's being phased out now.

02:02:33.000 That's like making a cheeseburger out of taste.

02:02:36.000 Yeah, parodies.

02:02:37.000 They're making parodies.

02:02:38.000 They're making romance movies that are like romance, romance-y novel, like rom-com type of cheese.

02:02:44.000 How many vampire porns are there?

02:02:45.000 A lot. 0.98

02:02:46.000 they did a true blood parody at new sensations all that shit is porn anyway twilight parody they made I don't know they've made a parody of absolutely everything yeah some dude on my message board has an avatar parody everything and it's a girl she's got the avatar face and she's getting her mouth fucked yeah and that's his avatar yeah ugh they're gonna do a new avatar it's gonna be underwater you heard about that shit no way really yeah have you seen that preview for this new movie where it's a bunch of chicks with guns on the poster sucker punch sucker punch yeah 0.99

02:03:16.000 what the fuck I haven't seen the preview yet but the posters look amazing Watchmen-ish yeah it's the same director it looks badass it looks complete fantasy Me too. 0.99

02:03:28.000 I don't need a movie to be realistic. 0.98

02:03:30.000 When people go like, why do you like fantasy movies and monster movies?

02:03:33.000 I'm like, that's what I want.

02:03:34.000 I want to be entertained.

02:03:35.000 I don't want you to depress me with some real story about a girl whose parents get killed in a car crash.

02:03:40.000 Like, stop! 0.89

02:03:41.000 Stop pissing on my parade, dude. 0.50

02:03:43.000 Show me some monsters and some lasers and some spaceships and aliens.

02:03:46.000 Did you ever see Scott Pilgrim?

02:03:48.000 No, I haven't seen it yet.

02:03:50.000 Man, did you see it?

02:03:51.000 Yeah.

02:03:51.000 I re-watched that the other day.

02:03:52.000 Fucking loved it again. 1.00

02:03:54.000 That is just a fun fucking movie. 1.00

02:03:56.000 Really? 0.99

02:03:56.000 I don't know if you would like it, though. 0.99

02:03:57.000 I don't know if you would like it, but...

02:03:58.000 The entire time I was like, they don't even like each other.

02:04:01.000 Stop hanging out.

02:04:01.000 What was a movie recently that you liked that I didn't like?

02:04:04.000 Can you think of one?

02:04:06.000 Oh, man.

02:04:08.000 No, I didn't really love Enter the Void, but I thought it was good.

02:04:10.000 Yeah, I wasn't into Enter the Void.

02:04:12.000 But that's also because I've actually done DMT, and I'm like, the representation of it is so simple.

02:04:18.000 Well, there was a lot of problems with that movie, but I just thought it was cool, the visual effects.

02:04:22.000 What I thought was cool was the first person perspective.

02:04:24.000 I thought that was really interesting.

02:04:25.000 I felt like I was really that guy.

02:04:27.000 If you really got into it.

02:04:28.000 I like seeing it through almost like a video game, a first person shooter perspective.

02:04:33.000 I thought that was kind of cool.

02:04:34.000 There's parts of it I liked, but it was just too much.

02:04:37.000 I didn't see anything that was like Oscar movies.

02:04:40.000 I did not see anything. 0.99

02:04:42.000 King's Speech, is that about Martin Luther King or what the fuck is that about? 0.97

02:04:46.000 What is it about? 0.99

02:04:47.000 It's about a dog that barks.

02:04:49.000 No.

02:04:50.000 A dog named King.

02:04:51.000 Yeah.

02:04:52.000 It wears a big spike collar.

02:04:53.000 It's a talking dog movie, Brian.

02:04:55.000 It's a Rottweiler. 1.00

02:04:56.000 I don't know what the fuck it's about. 0.99

02:04:58.000 I don't care. 0.99

02:04:58.000 I don't want to see any movies. 0.99

02:05:00.000 I'm waiting for Cowboys and Aliens.

02:05:02.000 I don't want to see any movies that are real. 0.99

02:05:04.000 This movie that I saw, Adjustment Bureau, totally science fiction, crazy fucking reality. 0.98

02:05:09.000 Good. 0.99

02:05:10.000 Good.

02:05:10.000 Give me more of that.

02:05:11.000 Give me more fake shit. 1.00

02:05:12.000 I don't want to see real shit. 1.00

02:05:13.000 It's not interesting to me. 0.99

02:05:15.000 Like, here's a relationship that they had.

02:05:17.000 Maybe if you want to throw me some crazy godfather-type gangster period piece where it's not today's reality.

02:05:23.000 So, okay, I can get into that, kind of.

02:05:25.000 It's a long time ago reality.

02:05:26.000 You know, but I'm not into any real movies where people get depressed in real life.

02:05:30.000 Like, stop it.

02:05:31.000 I don't even watch movies that have people in them anymore.

02:05:34.000 Really?

02:05:34.000 I just stick to just animations.

02:05:36.000 Yeah.

02:05:37.000 Like in that Megamind 3D movie, Tina Fey was like really hot as a cartoon. 1.00

02:05:43.000 Right.

02:05:43.000 And it was just like, cool, I can like think this girl's really super hot instead of like this sticky like, I'm not hot, Tina Fey.

02:05:51.000 Ha ha, I wear glasses.

02:05:52.000 I'm not hot.

02:05:53.000 The first animated movie that I ever saw that was an adult movie was Wizards.

02:05:57.000 Did you ever see Wizards? 1.00

02:05:58.000 Yeah, that shit was good. 1.00

02:05:59.000 Fuck, it was great, man. 1.00

02:06:00.000 I had it on DVD, like, really kind of recently. 1.00

02:06:02.000 I can't find it.

02:06:04.000 I was looking for it in my house.

02:06:05.000 It's Ralph, what is his name?

02:06:08.000 Bakski? 0.98

02:06:08.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:06:09.000 I forget the guy's name.

02:06:10.000 The guy that did Death Dealer, right?

02:06:13.000 No, wait.

02:06:13.000 Am I thinking of somebody else?

02:06:14.000 I don't know.

02:06:15.000 It was just really cool, science fiction, sort of futuristic, animated movie.

02:06:21.000 You know?

02:06:22.000 They don't do too many of those, but they're pretty dope when they do. 1.00

02:06:25.000 Like, did you ever see Heavy Metal?

02:06:26.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.

02:06:26.000 Absolutely.

02:06:27.000 That was badass, right?

02:06:28.000 I was in love with that chick in that movie. 1.00

02:06:29.000 Were you?

02:06:30.000 Yeah.

02:06:30.000 The Heavy Metal Jack.

02:06:31.000 You know what's even funnier, or awesomer, is the Heavy Metal-inspired South Park, where they redid the, like, pretty much Heavy Metal-style cartoon, and, like, the whole animation looked like that.

02:06:42.000 Wow.

02:06:42.000 Did you ever see that episode?

02:06:43.000 It was good.

02:06:44.000 No, I need to catch up on South Parks, man. 0.96

02:06:46.000 I heard that they're going to do a Charlie Sheen parody, which I cannot fucking wait for. 0.92

02:06:51.000 Of course they're going to. 0.96

02:06:53.000 They could not.

02:06:54.000 They love making fun of people.

02:06:56.000 Well, they're the best at it.

02:06:57.000 Are you on that?

02:06:58.000 No, I haven't been on that.

02:06:58.000 I think they made fun of you on that, maybe?

02:07:00.000 Maybe.

02:07:01.000 No, I don't think American Dad has.

02:07:02.000 If they did, I would be honored as long as they weren't too cruel.

02:07:05.000 Please, gentle.

02:07:06.000 I'm a gentle soul and a big fan. 0.98

02:07:07.000 But what they did to Carlos Mencia was the most ruthless shit I'd ever seen in my life. 0.99

02:07:11.000 They beat him to death with a baseball bat and shoved frozen fish sticks in his neck. 0.99

02:07:14.000 That was so awesome. 1.00

02:07:16.000 But they were broken down like, I got no dick! 1.00

02:07:19.000 I got no dick! 1.00

02:07:20.000 You know what it's like to be a comedian and not be funny? 1.00

02:07:22.000 Fuck! 1.00

02:07:23.000 It was the most ruthless takedown I've ever seen. 1.00

02:07:26.000 The Kanye was even funny, too. 1.00

02:07:27.000 The gay fish. 1.00

02:07:28.000 They're genius, man. 1.00

02:07:30.000 How about the Tom Cruise trapped in the closet shit? 1.00

02:07:33.000 Goddamn, dude. 1.00

02:07:34.000 They break everybody down. 0.99

02:07:36.000 They're the best, man.

02:07:37.000 There's nothing like them.

02:07:38.000 So we all agree. 0.98

02:07:39.000 Didn't they get, what the fuck's his name, Isaac Hayes, he was the one who used to be the chef, is that who it was? 0.98

02:07:46.000 Was it Isaac Hayes? 0.97

02:07:47.000 Didn't he stop doing it when there was some sort of a show on Scientology?

02:07:51.000 That is so crazy.

02:07:53.000 Isn't that fascinating?

02:07:54.000 But it was okay when they made fun of everybody else's lifestyle and religion.

02:07:58.000 Forever he was on that.

02:08:00.000 And now he's dead. 1.00

02:08:01.000 So fuck you, Isaac Hayes. 1.00

02:08:02.000 Bam. 1.00

02:08:03.000 Maybe it wasn't even that.

02:08:05.000 Angry Dana Dierman surfaces at the end of the podcast. 1.00

02:08:08.000 She shows her true colors.

02:08:09.000 We're going to turn it around.

02:08:10.000 Dana, we're going to put you on a positive path.

02:08:12.000 You're going to be a successful stand-up comedian.

02:08:14.000 You're my life coach.

02:08:15.000 I'm going to be your life coach. 0.91

02:08:16.000 A year from now, we're going to be looking back at this moment, and then when I did the podcast, that's when it all fucking came together. 0.96

02:08:23.000 You're supposed to be a comedian. 0.97

02:08:25.000 Epiphany moment. 0.99

02:08:26.000 You should be goddamn invulnerable up there. 0.99

02:08:28.000 Everything that you've done and how you've exposed publicly, you should be goddamn invulnerable up there. 0.99

02:08:32.000 You're going to be a goddess. 0.99

02:08:33.000 You're going to control and dominate!

02:08:37.000 This is the beginning.

02:08:39.000 Today, we launch! 0.96

02:08:42.000 It's so ridiculous. 1.00

02:08:42.000 No better way to end this fucking show. 1.00

02:08:44.000 It's so funny. 0.99

02:08:44.000 We'll be back Thursday with young and talented Andy Dick will join us on the podcast. 0.99

02:08:49.000 Is he doing it from this studio or your studio?

02:08:51.000 Mrs. Rogan is not excited about Andy Dick being over at the house, so we might have to.

02:08:56.000 But he has been sober for like four weeks.

02:08:58.000 I don't know.

02:08:59.000 There's always tomorrow, though.

02:09:01.000 Yeah, well, the thing about Andy is you just never know when you're going to run into him with whiskey on his breath. 1.00

02:09:05.000 And you're like, fuck. 0.99

02:09:06.000 He was at the AVN Awards. 1.00

02:09:07.000 He got tossed out.

02:09:08.000 Right. 0.99

02:09:08.000 Was he fucked up? 0.99

02:09:09.000 I don't know. 1.00

02:09:10.000 I saw him and he was just like, or whatever.

02:09:14.000 So he was hammered.

02:09:15.000 Oh, that's right.

02:09:16.000 I mean, I was.

02:09:16.000 I could only assume like we were doing some kind of a mirroring exercise where Andy and I were doing the exact same thing.

02:09:22.000 He talked about it on the Greg Fitzsimmons show.

02:09:24.000 He talked about it on Greg Fitzsimmons' Sirius show.

02:09:28.000 And he said, you know, that he just got out of control.

02:09:31.000 It was like the wheels fell off at the end, but it was a great time before that.

02:09:34.000 But then it looks so bad when people are looking back on it.

02:09:37.000 Another thing, he had a really interesting point.

02:09:39.000 Well, you gotta pay attention to what you look like if people know who you are.

02:09:42.000 You know, basically.

02:09:44.000 If people know who you are, yeah, but once you get drunk, you're an addict, you don't think about that.

02:09:48.000 No, but I go, like, are both my shoes on?

02:09:51.000 Or, like, have I said anything offensive or anything to anyone?

02:09:55.000 Like, am I controlling myself?

02:09:57.000 When you're partying.

02:09:58.000 Yeah.

02:09:59.000 I drank like five whiskey drinks and I was wearing a gown and like I waited until no one was around and I took my dress off in the Mirage or the Palms parking structure and I threw it in the back of my car and went back to my own hotel.

02:10:14.000 Naked?

02:10:15.000 I like just put on whatever was in my car.

02:10:18.000 You carry clothes around with you?

02:10:19.000 All the time, yeah.

02:10:20.000 You never know. 1.00

02:10:21.000 Well, we were in Vegas, so you've got shit everywhere. 0.99

02:10:24.000 It's always good to have a baseball hat, an extra pair of sunglasses, and a t-shirt in your car. 0.99

02:10:27.000 I slept in a bowling alley last night in Canoga Park.

02:10:31.000 What?

02:10:33.000 It's a long story.

02:10:34.000 What?

02:10:35.000 Wait a minute.

02:10:36.000 What, Andy Dick?

02:10:37.000 You slept in a bowling alley?

02:10:38.000 It was so great because not only did I have a coat because it was kind of cold, I had sleeping bags.

02:10:43.000 I had airplane pillows from traveling so much.

02:10:46.000 You slept in a bowling alley.

02:10:47.000 Yeah.

02:10:48.000 Parking lot of bowling alley. 1.00

02:10:49.000 What the fuck, Brian? 1.00

02:10:51.000 It was great. 1.00

02:10:51.000 It was a good night. 1.00

02:10:52.000 Did you get too drunk?

02:10:53.000 Huh?

02:10:53.000 No.

02:10:54.000 No, I actually didn't even drink last night.

02:10:56.000 I think young lad is in love.

02:10:59.000 No, no, no, no.

02:11:00.000 It's not even that.

02:11:00.000 No, no.

02:11:01.000 It wasn't even that.

02:11:01.000 Perhaps.

02:11:02.000 You're in love with some girl you met at the bowling alley?

02:11:04.000 No.

02:11:05.000 Perhaps.

02:11:05.000 No.

02:11:06.000 It's a long story.

02:11:07.000 Perhaps young love in the parking lot.

02:11:09.000 That's when you don't mind sleeping outside.

02:11:11.000 But you have a house.

02:11:12.000 When you're in love.

02:11:13.000 Huh?

02:11:13.000 Yeah, but...

02:11:14.000 You get impractical when you're in love, Dana.

02:11:16.000 I don't have to tell you that.

02:11:17.000 Maybe I'm dead inside and I'll never experience it.

02:11:21.000 Maybe they were right, commenters on YouTube. 1.00

02:11:23.000 Oh, those motherfuckers. 1.00

02:11:25.000 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this weekend, Friday night and Saturday night, we are at the Comedy and Magic Club. 1.00

02:11:30.000 Next week, Friday night at Gotham in New York City.

02:11:34.000 Brian also has a podcast of his own.

02:11:36.000 It's called The Death Squad.

02:11:37.000 You can subscribe to it on iTunes.

02:11:39.000 And Dana's been on it.

02:11:40.000 Sam Tripoli's on it all the time.

02:11:41.000 It's a plethora of young, talented comedians and they do a bunch of different podcasts.

02:11:47.000 So it's not just one.

02:11:48.000 You can go on the iTunes page and find out which they are or go to DeathSquad.tv.

02:11:52.000 And just subscribe to DeathSquad on iTunes.

02:11:55.000 And it's very highly ranked now.

02:11:57.000 It's like in the top 20 of iTunes comedy.

02:11:58.000 So it's really good too.

02:12:00.000 It's really interesting.

02:12:02.000 So, we'll be back on Thursday, like I said, with Andy Dick. 0.98

02:12:04.000 Thank you, everybody, for everything, and thanks for tuning in, and thanks for being just cool motherfuckers. 0.96

02:12:09.000 Alright, I love you. 0.96

02:12:10.000 Thank you.

02:12:10.000 Oh, go to Fleshlight.com, and go to JoeRogan.net, enter in the codename Rogan, and get yourself some discounted jerk-off material.

02:12:18.000 Do you have a rubber Fleshlight yet?

02:12:20.000 Um, no.

02:12:21.000 And I've been bringing it up every time.

02:12:22.000 We're going to connect you with them.

02:12:23.000 We'll connect you.

02:12:23.000 No, no, no.

02:12:24.000 I got, like, a formal rejection letter from Fleshlight.

02:12:27.000 We'll make this happen.

02:12:28.000 Dude, you just got in with the right crowd.

02:12:30.000 Oh.

02:12:30.000 Okay?

02:12:30.000 It could be, like, the extra big Fleshlight.

02:12:33.000 Fingers crossed. 1.00

02:12:33.000 With your butthole. 1.00

02:12:35.000 Giant butthole one that you stick rocks in. 0.99

02:12:38.000 Thanks, guys.

02:12:38.000 Thanks.

02:12:38.000 All right.

02:12:39.000 Thanks, guys.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 08, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #87 - Dana Dearmond

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript