The Joe Rogan Experience - March 15, 2011


Joe Rogan Experience #89 - Bryan Callen


Episode Stats

Length

2 hours and 15 minutes

Words per Minute

214.7744

Word Count

29,195

Sentence Count

2,891

Misogynist Sentences

81

Hate Speech Sentences

66


Summary

Brian Callum is a stand-up comedian, actor, comedian, writer, and podcaster. In this episode, Brian joins us to talk about the recent earthquake in Japan, the future of humanity, and how to deal with the impending apocalypse. He also tells us about the time he took mushrooms and it was one of the most amazing things he has ever done in his life. It's a good one. This episode is brought to you by Joe Rogan Experience, a production of Native Creative Podcasts. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. All rights reserved. Used by permission. The opinions stated here are our own, not those of our companies, unless otherwise stated. We do not own the rights to any music used in this episode. If you like what you hear, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever else you get your music. Please be kind enough to leave a rating and review, and we'll consider it in the future. Thank you so much for all the support we've gotten so far. Peace, Blessings, Cheers. Cheers! -Jon Sorrentino, Emily, Jake, Brian, Joe, and Samoan Samoan, -The Joe Rogans Experience. -Joe Rogan and the rest of the crew at Native Creative Collective. Produced by Native Creative Productions. (c) 2019, Inc. 2019, produced by PODCAST WEEKLYNNE ( ) (featuring ) ( ) (2019) (2019 (2019, 2020, (2020, 2020, 2019, 2019) (2020) (2018, , 2019, 2020), (2019), & 2020, 2020) (2023, 2018, ) (2020 (2020), 2019 (2020). (2021, & , 2019(2020, and 2020, 2018, 2019) and 2019, 2019 (2019(2019, 2018) (2018) ( 2019, 2021, ), 2020 (2020 , , 2020, and ), and , and 2020 (2019 , 2018, 2020 (2018), & 2019, 2018 (2019 , & 2018, & 2020) , 2018 (2020 , & 2019), ) , 2019


Transcript

00:00:16.000 The Joe Rogan Experience What?
00:00:39.000 What?
00:00:40.000 What, bitches?
00:00:43.000 Are we here?
00:00:44.000 Yeah.
00:00:45.000 Brian Callum, ladies and gentlemen.
00:00:46.000 Good to be here.
00:00:47.000 Good to be here.
00:00:47.000 Very excited.
00:00:48.000 One of my favorite fucking human beings to ever walk the face of the planet.
00:00:52.000 Thank you, sir.
00:00:52.000 And he's here to join us at the fucking birth of the apocalypse as it's happening right before our eyes.
00:00:58.000 Indeed.
00:00:58.000 Build your canoes.
00:01:00.000 What the fuck is going on, man?
00:01:02.000 I'm building a canoe.
00:01:03.000 I live in Venice, bro, so I gotta have a canoe on the top of my roof there.
00:01:07.000 Are you really thinking about getting something like that?
00:01:08.000 I don't know.
00:01:09.000 I don't know if a canoe's gonna save you, buddy.
00:01:10.000 I think about all that stuff.
00:01:11.000 Yeah, you should.
00:01:13.000 I'm always thinking about worst case scenarios.
00:01:15.000 Well, you live by the water.
00:01:16.000 When you live by Venice, you really must take into account that we, just like Japan, are on a fault line.
00:01:21.000 That's right.
00:01:21.000 And that shit could happen here.
00:01:22.000 That's a fucking nine, dude.
00:01:24.000 A nine.
00:01:25.000 A nine.
00:01:26.000 We can't even wrap our heads around what that means.
00:01:28.000 A nine is so crazy.
00:01:29.000 Well, I saw a video and I couldn't believe how long it lasted.
00:01:31.000 Yeah, five minutes.
00:01:33.000 Five minutes.
00:01:34.000 Five minutes.
00:01:35.000 That's ridiculous.
00:01:36.000 Five minutes at nine.
00:01:38.000 If people don't know the Richter scale, how it works, every one point is 100% stronger than the point before it.
00:01:46.000 So a 7.2, 100% stronger than a 7.1.
00:01:50.000 This was a nine.
00:01:52.000 So crazy.
00:01:53.000 This is the only, like no human beings have ever, that are alive, have ever experienced that before.
00:01:58.000 It was the biggest in recorded history?
00:02:00.000 No, not the biggest in recorded history, but the biggest that I think anybody that's alive has ever experienced.
00:02:04.000 Yeah, and I believe it's the biggest Japan...
00:02:06.000 I guess it's the fifth or sixth biggest earthquake in history, and it's the biggest one Japan's ever...
00:02:12.000 I don't trust all the...
00:02:13.000 What are you doing with the vines, buddy?
00:02:16.000 What'd you do?
00:02:17.000 You just changed the volumes.
00:02:18.000 Is that better?
00:02:19.000 Yeah.
00:02:19.000 What'd you do?
00:02:19.000 I just turned down the headphones.
00:02:20.000 You're just too high.
00:02:21.000 No, I turned down the headphone.
00:02:22.000 Hey, Joe, I turned down the headphone volume because it's super loud in my headphones, and the only way I can turn down my headphones is if I turn down everybody's headphones.
00:02:28.000 Look at him.
00:02:29.000 He's been denying.
00:02:30.000 Something's getting really hot.
00:02:31.000 Oh, all right.
00:02:31.000 He got a little tense really quickly.
00:02:33.000 Did you notice how tense he got?
00:02:34.000 I think I'm shrooming right now.
00:02:36.000 I think you are, too.
00:02:38.000 Just keep it together, buddy.
00:02:39.000 Everything's fine.
00:02:40.000 Just don't freak out.
00:02:41.000 All right?
00:02:42.000 Don't freak out, Brian.
00:02:44.000 Is that a bat?
00:02:44.000 The most important thing to these things, just let it happen.
00:02:47.000 Just go with it, buddy.
00:02:49.000 By the way, have you shroomed lately?
00:02:51.000 It's been a few months.
00:02:52.000 I haven't shroomed in like eight years because the last time I shroomed I violently was shitting and puking at the same time and tripping in the bathroom for like six hours.
00:03:00.000 It was a horrible experience.
00:03:01.000 So I've been kind of nervous to do it again.
00:03:03.000 Ate them last night.
00:03:04.000 Most beautiful thing in the whole entire world.
00:03:07.000 Like amazing.
00:03:08.000 There was parts I was with my friend where I was looking at them and like their faces you could just feel the energy coming from their face like visually.
00:03:17.000 It was amazing.
00:03:17.000 How much did you Only ate half an eighth and made it into a tea and did the tea process where you boil it and then you drink it and then you let it sit for another 30 minutes or whatever and then you ate those shrooms and it was awesome.
00:03:33.000 Did I ever tell you my shrooms experience the last time I did shrooms?
00:03:39.000 Because I was never a seasoned drug addict.
00:03:41.000 I was with Patty.
00:03:41.000 Remember Patty?
00:03:42.000 Sure.
00:03:43.000 So I take mushrooms and I eat a lot of them because, man, I was like, let me see what these are like.
00:03:49.000 Cut to me.
00:03:49.000 I took a four-hour shower and I wept.
00:03:54.000 I laughed.
00:03:55.000 I reassessed my life.
00:03:56.000 And then I started seeing myself from the side.
00:04:00.000 I just started seeing my profile.
00:04:02.000 And I was sitting on a wall looking down at me, you know, my profile.
00:04:06.000 And I was like, here's a couple of problems.
00:04:08.000 My leg's way too short for my torso.
00:04:10.000 Oh, and by the way, I'm a coat hanger.
00:04:13.000 I've always wanted to be a barrel-chested Samoan.
00:04:16.000 I'm a coat hanger from a long line of peasant and Irish stock who are used to being persecuted, running, you know, knobby knees.
00:04:24.000 The whole thing was a disaster.
00:04:26.000 Genetics are not fair.
00:04:27.000 No, man.
00:04:28.000 You look at some fucking football players, some of those giant Goliath humans.
00:04:31.000 You look at a guy like Czech Congo.
00:04:33.000 Like when you're standing next to Czech Congo.
00:04:35.000 Genetics are not fair.
00:04:37.000 There's dudes that are born, like your friend that we were talking about in the kitchen, your doughy, small, effeminate friend.
00:04:43.000 That guy just got to roll the dice.
00:04:45.000 He looks like an overgrown baby.
00:04:47.000 Just a roll of the dice, man.
00:04:48.000 He could have been Czech Congo.
00:04:50.000 I know.
00:04:50.000 Czech motherfucking Congo.
00:04:51.000 I know.
00:04:51.000 If I could be built like any...
00:04:53.000 If I could have any jeans in me, I'd want Samoan jeans.
00:04:56.000 Samoan, just big fucking...
00:04:57.000 They're just studs.
00:04:57.000 They can take a punch, too, man.
00:04:59.000 Jesus Christ.
00:05:00.000 Mark Hunt, he's a K-1 champion.
00:05:02.000 He's fighting the UFC now.
00:05:04.000 He just won his last fight.
00:05:05.000 And he's famous for it.
00:05:07.000 Dude's head kicking him.
00:05:08.000 And he just fucking wobbles a little and then straightens right back.
00:05:11.000 They did a thing on, if you are Samoan, you are 55 times, I believe this was the number, and it was on 60 Minutes, and I believe they said, if you're Samoan, you are 55 times more likely to play in the NFL than any white guy on the planet.
00:05:28.000 They're so big.
00:05:29.000 They're so fucking strong.
00:05:31.000 The Tongans, the Maoris, and the Samoans.
00:05:34.000 They're just on another level.
00:05:35.000 Giant bones.
00:05:36.000 Like, wrists like elbows.
00:05:38.000 And fast.
00:05:39.000 Like, a lot of fast twitch muscle.
00:05:41.000 Not this endurance muscle.
00:05:42.000 Remember David Tua?
00:05:44.000 Oh, yeah.
00:05:44.000 David Tua could have been, like...
00:05:46.000 I knew his trainer.
00:05:47.000 Dude, he was so badass, but for whatever reason, never really totally got it together.
00:05:50.000 Lennox Lewis beat him.
00:05:52.000 And that took a lot of wind out of his sails because Lennox tagged him a couple times pretty hard.
00:05:56.000 Well, I know the guy that trained Tua for that fight, for the Lennox Lewis fight.
00:05:59.000 I've actually worked out with him.
00:06:00.000 And he said that the first time Tua had ever done, he'd never done a squat.
00:06:04.000 And I believe, I don't want to misquote him, but I think he said he put 420 on his shoulders and he did a deep squat.
00:06:10.000 He went all the way down to where his ass is touching his heels and came back up.
00:06:14.000 And the trainer was like, who's a power lifter, was like, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life.
00:06:17.000 You've never squatted?
00:06:18.000 He goes, no, man.
00:06:19.000 And by the end of it, he was like, you know...
00:06:21.000 They had to attach two horses, two dead horses to a bar, you know?
00:06:25.000 Dude, he's one of the scariest heavyweight boxers to come along in a long time.
00:06:29.000 He wasn't able to beat the best guys.
00:06:30.000 He could never beat Lennox Lewis, but he could put anybody to sleep.
00:06:34.000 You ever see the fight when he fought John Ruiz?
00:06:37.000 No.
00:06:37.000 He caught John.
00:06:38.000 It's on YouTube.
00:06:39.000 He caught John Ruiz.
00:06:40.000 John Ruiz, by the way, is a very big man.
00:06:41.000 Tough dude, too!
00:06:43.000 You know, he's a burly guy.
00:06:45.000 Didn't John Ruiz fight Holyfield like three fucking times?
00:06:47.000 Yeah.
00:06:48.000 Yeah, I think he did.
00:06:48.000 Didn't he?
00:06:49.000 Yeah, he was rough.
00:06:50.000 David Tua put him to sleep, dude.
00:06:52.000 Just jumped on him early.
00:06:53.000 Hit him with those gigantic ham hocks fix.
00:06:56.000 He tagged him early and then just put him away.
00:07:00.000 Put him completely to sleep.
00:07:01.000 Well, you know, you wonder as more and more money ventures into MMA, some of those guys who are playing, some of those Herschel Walkers and Michael Vicks, they're going to start coming to MMA. Yeah.
00:07:11.000 Yeah, some of the guys who don't want to be playing for a team.
00:07:16.000 They'd rather fight.
00:07:17.000 Well, first of all, football is also, ironically, way more dangerous for you than is any MMA career.
00:07:23.000 That's so funny that people dispute that, but everyone looks at it in an emotional way.
00:07:27.000 You don't look at it in a contact way.
00:07:30.000 These people are running at each other.
00:07:32.000 And at 50 years old, take a look at their heads.
00:07:34.000 Yeah.
00:07:35.000 I mean, it's not even, it's not a little bit more dangerous.
00:07:38.000 It's way more dangerous.
00:07:40.000 Way more dangerous.
00:07:41.000 Those fucking poor guys.
00:07:42.000 Like that kid, what is his name?
00:07:44.000 Chris Henry, the kid that fell off the back of a pickup truck and died.
00:07:46.000 You remember he was chasing after his girlfriend?
00:07:49.000 He was a wide receiver, yeah.
00:07:49.000 Yeah.
00:07:50.000 Really talented athlete, right?
00:07:51.000 Well, young kid.
00:07:53.000 I think he was only like 25, 25 or 28. I think he was 25. Anyway, he's fucking massive brain damage when they did an autopsy on him.
00:08:01.000 You know, the concussions that he's had since playing football?
00:08:03.000 Your brain actually shrinks and all that.
00:08:05.000 Yeah, you get dementia.
00:08:07.000 I mean, that's what Lou Gehrig's disease is all about.
00:08:09.000 I mean, a lot of these guys are getting it.
00:08:11.000 It's all from head impacts and just irreparable damage.
00:08:15.000 They used to think, yeah, because ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease, they used to think was a function of a toxin.
00:08:22.000 They had all different kinds of theories, but they're starting to link, they think, they're starting to link some of this stuff to the ALS syndrome, whatever, to head injuries.
00:08:32.000 Yeah.
00:08:32.000 Yeah, there was a whole Brian Gumbel special about it.
00:08:35.000 It's scary stuff, man.
00:08:37.000 People take that real lightly.
00:08:38.000 They take head trauma real lightly.
00:08:41.000 Well, we're learning more and more, I guess, now.
00:08:44.000 And now, it really raises a huge question, which is, if indeed you can start to prove that four concussions or three concussions cause brain damage, if that's the case, and if they're able to actually measure this stuff, It will put a real onus on the NFL to figure out a way to either change the rules or make helmets safer, but then you don't have football.
00:09:10.000 So it really does.
00:09:12.000 Isn't rugby probably safer because they don't wear helmets?
00:09:15.000 They probably don't smash each other the same way.
00:09:17.000 I went to a rugby match recently, actually, in the south of France with, I think it was the Basque team.
00:09:23.000 God, I'm attracted to you now, you international traveler.
00:09:26.000 International sports.
00:09:28.000 That's right.
00:09:28.000 I went to soccer in France.
00:09:30.000 I summer in the south of France, of course.
00:09:33.000 France, yes.
00:09:36.000 I wish I could speak that way.
00:09:38.000 I want to be that really pretentious man.
00:09:41.000 Well, you know, compared to a lot of people, what you just said was that.
00:09:44.000 Yeah, I didn't mean it.
00:09:46.000 You're talking about going to a soccer game in France.
00:09:49.000 Like, what?
00:09:50.000 Two things I don't need.
00:09:51.000 No, rugby.
00:09:52.000 Tight shorts and soccer shoes.
00:09:54.000 Okay, sorry.
00:09:54.000 One thing I noticed was that they're huge men.
00:09:58.000 A lot of Samoans.
00:09:59.000 Just huge dudes.
00:10:01.000 Rugby players are studs, by the way.
00:10:03.000 Real men.
00:10:03.000 You ever seen that thing that they do?
00:10:05.000 Scrum.
00:10:06.000 Scrum.
00:10:06.000 No, that dance they do at the beginning.
00:10:08.000 Oh, that's the haka dance.
00:10:09.000 Yeah, the haka.
00:10:09.000 That's the New Zealand All Blacks.
00:10:13.000 It's my favorite thing.
00:10:13.000 Did you ever see the black and white one?
00:10:15.000 There's a black and white one.
00:10:17.000 I've seen every one of them more than a dozen times.
00:10:19.000 It's like an Adidas ad?
00:10:20.000 Is that what it is?
00:10:20.000 Yeah.
00:10:21.000 Fuck, it's good.
00:10:22.000 Have you ever seen that?
00:10:23.000 No.
00:10:23.000 If you're listening to this, go to Haka Dance, New Zealand All Blacks.
00:10:29.000 And there are so many of them.
00:10:30.000 And take a look at that.
00:10:31.000 It's a war dance.
00:10:32.000 And they've been doing it since the 1800s.
00:10:34.000 And it's carried on as a tradition.
00:10:36.000 And they take it seriously.
00:10:37.000 It's pretty fucking dope.
00:10:38.000 You would think it's stupid.
00:10:39.000 Like, what is this dumbass shit?
00:10:41.000 I got a really good one for you to see.
00:10:43.000 This one dude freaks.
00:10:45.000 He just literally just freaks.
00:10:47.000 They work themselves into a frenzy, man.
00:10:50.000 Yeah, dude.
00:10:50.000 It's a fascinating thing to watch.
00:10:52.000 It's fun.
00:10:54.000 It's real.
00:10:55.000 You know what I mean?
00:10:55.000 They're going crazy, but it's not like...
00:10:57.000 I don't feel like you're faking it.
00:10:59.000 I feel like that's what they're thinking.
00:11:00.000 That's in their heart at that moment.
00:11:02.000 Yeah, I believe them.
00:11:04.000 Jimmy Burke, by the way, our dear friend Jimmy Burke from New York...
00:11:07.000 Love that guy.
00:11:07.000 Got in a fight.
00:11:08.000 My friend got in a fight with a guy because he told the guy he looked like a combination of Rudolf Nureyev.
00:11:12.000 And he was this big guy who walks out.
00:11:14.000 He was drunk and goes, Dude, you look like Rudolf Nureyev and some other old actor and something like, I don't know, like Clark Gable.
00:11:20.000 And the guy's like...
00:11:21.000 And then he comes back and he goes, What did you say I looked like?
00:11:24.000 He goes...
00:11:24.000 Rudy!
00:11:26.000 Rudy!
00:11:27.000 As he walked out, he goes, he had rid of nerves.
00:11:29.000 He was a gay dancer.
00:11:30.000 Gay dancer.
00:11:30.000 I think he died of AIDS. But anyway, the point is, and the guy goes, looks back and he comes back in and he goes, who'd you say I look like that's gay?
00:11:38.000 Rudy!
00:11:39.000 It's Rudy!
00:11:40.000 It's Rudy!
00:11:41.000 Anyway, the guy takes his jacket and goes, let's go outside right now.
00:11:43.000 So Jimmy goes out there, and my buddy Jerry is with him, and he says to Jerry, he whispers, he goes, do everything I do.
00:11:49.000 It's like January.
00:11:50.000 He takes his shirt off.
00:11:51.000 He's got no shirt on.
00:11:52.000 It's freezing.
00:11:53.000 And he starts doing the Haka dance at the dude.
00:11:55.000 No!
00:11:55.000 But he's not looking at the guy.
00:11:57.000 And the guy starts to flip, and the bouncers are holding him back, and Jimmy never looked at him.
00:12:01.000 He just did the Haka dance, but made it really sexual.
00:12:04.000 He did a sexual Haka dance.
00:12:07.000 And he's not looking at him and flexing, basically posing.
00:12:13.000 We have to explain this guy, Jimmy Burke, for this story to really work.
00:12:17.000 You tell this about a normal person, you're going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about?
00:12:21.000 I can't even make sense out of that, that someone would do that.
00:12:24.000 Jimmy Burke is 50 years old.
00:12:25.000 We call him the national treasure.
00:12:27.000 He's got a very long neck.
00:12:29.000 He's got very red skin.
00:12:30.000 He's got no eyebrows.
00:12:31.000 And very, very...
00:12:33.000 One of my favorite fucking Jimmy Burke lines ever.
00:12:35.000 He goes, I ran into her accidentally.
00:12:37.000 She thought I was stalking her.
00:12:39.000 She goes, are you stalking me?
00:12:40.000 I'm like, believe me, honey.
00:12:41.000 If I was stalking you, you wouldn't have caught me.
00:12:44.000 And I half-stalked her.
00:12:48.000 And I have Stockton.
00:12:49.000 He's the greatest.
00:12:50.000 That was a good Jimmy Burke impression, by the way.
00:12:51.000 He's so fucking funny, that guy.
00:12:52.000 He's the funniest, craziest thing.
00:12:53.000 I had it for the impression at the beginning, but then I lost it.
00:12:56.000 I need to be around him more.
00:12:58.000 I need to see that guy.
00:12:58.000 I'm going to be in New York this weekend.
00:13:00.000 I've got to get his number from you.
00:13:01.000 Remind me.
00:13:01.000 I will.
00:13:01.000 He's very, very...
00:13:03.000 He's enthusiastic.
00:13:05.000 He really moves his mouth.
00:13:07.000 And by the way, by the way, he's in very good shape.
00:13:13.000 Very good shape.
00:13:14.000 And he'll hold that mouth position and go, very good shape.
00:13:18.000 And wait for you to react.
00:13:18.000 You know what he does?
00:13:21.000 He makes children cry.
00:13:23.000 Babies!
00:13:24.000 He loves kids.
00:13:25.000 He's like, Hi!
00:13:27.000 The baby!
00:13:29.000 And sure enough, not even babies, like four-year-olds are like, And then he looked at me one time.
00:13:38.000 He went down to the baby and I was playing.
00:13:39.000 He's going, Oh, yeah.
00:13:41.000 Sure enough, I'm like, One, two, three.
00:13:43.000 It takes three seconds.
00:13:44.000 Ah!
00:13:45.000 There are people that you meet in this life.
00:13:47.000 He goes, I look like Skeletor.
00:13:49.000 That's my problem.
00:13:50.000 I look like a red Skeletor.
00:13:52.000 And he looks at the mother and he goes, I'm so sorry.
00:13:55.000 His face looks like it's plasticine.
00:13:57.000 Even when he says that, if you know him, it doesn't make you uncomfortable.
00:14:01.000 But God, if I didn't know him, and there was a guy like that, I'd be like, what is this loose cannon?
00:14:05.000 I can't predict what he might do.
00:14:07.000 He might do something.
00:14:08.000 Nutty.
00:14:08.000 Well, he did this.
00:14:09.000 How about this?
00:14:09.000 I'm saying this podcast.
00:14:11.000 I hope he's listening.
00:14:12.000 I literally...
00:14:13.000 First of all, he rides his bike everywhere.
00:14:17.000 He's 50, owns a bicycle and a TV. And that's all he wants.
00:14:20.000 That's how he's always been.
00:14:22.000 He's a monk.
00:14:22.000 He's a true monk.
00:14:24.000 And he's in better shape than anybody in the world.
00:14:27.000 He says, come downstairs.
00:14:28.000 I'm on 57th and between 8th and 9th at my mother's apartment.
00:14:31.000 He goes, it's literally 12 at night.
00:14:34.000 Wow.
00:14:34.000 In New York City on Christmas Eve, or around Christmas, where everybody's on the street.
00:14:39.000 And he goes, come downstairs, I have to show you something.
00:14:42.000 Come down in five minutes.
00:14:43.000 Click.
00:14:44.000 I go, alright, this should be good.
00:14:45.000 Throw on my coat.
00:14:46.000 I go downstairs, I'm standing with the doorman outside, and I hear from a long way away, Tick deck the holes with balls of holly on!
00:14:57.000 And he rides by me in a down jacket, cowboy hat, And no pants!
00:15:04.000 And no pants!
00:15:05.000 And he's riding.
00:15:07.000 He's pumping with his ass in the air.
00:15:08.000 And I see this dead baby bird.
00:15:13.000 It looked like a large boy.
00:15:17.000 He's hung, but no hair on it.
00:15:19.000 He's got little red hairs on it.
00:15:21.000 It's a disaster.
00:15:22.000 And this white body.
00:15:24.000 He's neon white.
00:15:25.000 Neon.
00:15:26.000 Like Irish, like lost the pigment.
00:15:29.000 Like Gollum.
00:15:30.000 Lost the pigment lottery.
00:15:31.000 He gets in the sun, he starts smoking.
00:15:33.000 Literally, he's like a vampire, I swear to God.
00:15:35.000 So he's got this incredible, and he just, and this woman goes, he's coming this way.
00:15:39.000 He's coming this way.
00:15:40.000 And he goes, Merry Christmas!
00:15:43.000 Merry!
00:15:44.000 And literally, I just see, he bites by in his ass, and I see his two balls, his 50-year-old balls, just swinging like a pendulum outside.
00:15:52.000 And the woman goes, he's coming this way, he's coming this way.
00:15:53.000 He goes, Merry Christmas!
00:15:54.000 She goes, And screams at him, and he goes, have a great time!
00:15:59.000 Turns back around and tries back a block to New York City.
00:16:02.000 Jesus Christ.
00:16:03.000 He's a streaker, man.
00:16:05.000 What is he doing for a living these days?
00:16:06.000 Is he still personal training?
00:16:07.000 He trains people, and he acts, and he does.
00:16:10.000 He's such a funny guy.
00:16:11.000 He's got really rich friends, too, who all want him around.
00:16:14.000 So I'd be like, please come on the trip.
00:16:15.000 It's a private jet.
00:16:16.000 We'll take you anywhere.
00:16:16.000 He's like, all right!
00:16:20.000 That's the thing about Jay.
00:16:22.000 Very few people in the world, especially when they get together, can do this, can be like, dude, you want to go to Tibet?
00:16:27.000 Tibet?
00:16:28.000 All right!
00:16:28.000 Just like that.
00:16:29.000 There are no plans.
00:16:30.000 Nothing makes you go.
00:16:32.000 And what does he do?
00:16:32.000 Just call his clients?
00:16:33.000 Hey, I'm not going to train you this week.
00:16:34.000 Or not.
00:16:35.000 Or not.
00:16:35.000 He just goes to Tibet.
00:16:37.000 It doesn't say anything to them?
00:16:38.000 Yeah.
00:16:39.000 And they show up at their appointments?
00:16:40.000 Plus his dad books cruises, so he goes all over the world for free.
00:16:43.000 He's such an odd duck, man.
00:16:45.000 I've always admired what a free spirit he is, but also how you always think guys like that are going to, at some point in time, at least make an attempt to To appear to have their shit together.
00:16:57.000 No, he's an amazing guy.
00:16:59.000 And I'm going to tell you, the other thing he is, is he's truly made peace with like, he's a true atheist, like a real atheist.
00:17:05.000 He's truly made peace with the fact that he is only here for a short period of time and dying to him is not something he's afraid of.
00:17:13.000 He came down with tuberculosis, but they didn't know what it was because he had been exposed to it by his grandfather when he was three years old.
00:17:19.000 So he starts going to the hospital and I get a call and my buddy says they think it's lung cancer or that disease that those 911 firemen get where your lungs disintegrate from breathing and all that stuff.
00:17:29.000 Either one, they're both fatal.
00:17:30.000 And they're looking for it and they tell him, look, this is probably what it is.
00:17:35.000 And I was with him when, shortly after, he knew all that.
00:17:37.000 You would never have known, and it's not denial.
00:17:40.000 He said to me, he goes, he told me what the prognosis was, and I was like, geez, this is one of my best friends.
00:17:44.000 I was like, this is the worst thing.
00:17:45.000 And I said, how do you feel?
00:17:47.000 You seem so normal.
00:17:48.000 He goes, Bri, first of all, if I'm going to die, I'm going to treat it like it's a comedy.
00:17:52.000 And oh, by the way, my funeral better be a good time, and you better make people laugh.
00:17:57.000 Oh, and by the way, I've made peace with my life.
00:17:59.000 I'm not afraid to die.
00:18:00.000 And I saw that firsthand, which I thought was just, you know, he's just an amazing guy.
00:18:04.000 He's got a good grip on things in a weird way.
00:18:06.000 Yeah, he reads everything.
00:18:07.000 He knows that.
00:18:08.000 I mean, he knows so much.
00:18:09.000 He's a very, very bright guy.
00:18:09.000 That's why it's so strange that guys like that almost always, in somehow or another, they fall into some, at least, semblance of normalcy.
00:18:18.000 Yeah.
00:18:19.000 You know what I mean?
00:18:20.000 They're not 50 with an apartment and a TV and a bike.
00:18:23.000 You try to get your shit together.
00:18:25.000 You run a house somewhere.
00:18:26.000 Yeah, yeah, we've got a house now.
00:18:27.000 We're looking to buy, but we don't know what neighborhood.
00:18:30.000 Or you're ambitious, which he never was.
00:18:33.000 He's never been ambitious.
00:18:33.000 And it's not anything you're self-conscious about either.
00:18:35.000 No.
00:18:36.000 Is this guy ticklish?
00:18:38.000 I don't know.
00:18:38.000 Let's find out, Brian.
00:18:40.000 I don't know, Brian.
00:18:40.000 Do you have some time this weekend?
00:18:41.000 Hey, did you see what Gilbert Gottfried said about Japan?
00:18:45.000 Yeah.
00:18:45.000 What do you guys think about that?
00:18:46.000 Have you seen it?
00:18:47.000 Well, let's read the quotes.
00:18:48.000 Let's read the quotes.
00:18:49.000 Gilbert Gottfried's quotes.
00:18:50.000 Yeah, to me it was like, alright, that's not even trying to be like edgy or like, I don't know what he's thinking.
00:18:57.000 He's pretty funny.
00:18:58.000 Yeah, I mean, but still, I don't even think, that's even to me, yeah, too soon.
00:19:01.000 Well, what did you think?
00:19:02.000 What did you think about what you said?
00:19:04.000 I just thought, definitely, does he realize how many people died?
00:19:07.000 You know, how many kids died?
00:19:09.000 What is the number?
00:19:10.000 Fucking, you know, seriously, there's time where you should just not do anything.
00:19:13.000 And there's definitely, I think, a time period, you know?
00:19:17.000 Well, yeah.
00:19:20.000 I don't try to say anything like that.
00:19:22.000 I mean, that's what I felt.
00:19:23.000 I'm not fucking raising flags and protesting or anything.
00:19:26.000 I think that's fair.
00:19:27.000 I think we should all be more conscious of people's feelings.
00:19:29.000 This is what 50 Cent said.
00:19:31.000 50 Cent said, look, this is very serious, people.
00:19:34.000 I had to evacuate all my hoes from L.A., Hawaii, and Japan.
00:19:39.000 Are you serious?
00:19:40.000 I had to do it LOL. He gets points up until the LOL. Yeah, that's right.
00:19:46.000 First of all, because LOL, LOL, especially when you have just the first letter capitalized and then the next one not, that looks really fucking stupid, dude.
00:19:54.000 All right?
00:19:54.000 That looks dumb.
00:19:55.000 Either you're going with all caps or no caps with your LOLs.
00:19:59.000 Okay?
00:19:59.000 Second of all, are you a girl?
00:20:01.000 No.
00:20:02.000 Then what's with the LOL? Okay?
00:20:04.000 Listen, that's for girls and retards.
00:20:07.000 That's what LOL's for.
00:20:08.000 Are you a girl?
00:20:10.000 But the idea behind it, you know, that you just start immediately making jokes about all these poor fucking people that got hit with the worst natural disaster.
00:20:18.000 I think that's a defense mechanism.
00:20:19.000 I think a lot of men have that as a defense mechanism.
00:20:21.000 I don't have a problem with people making jokes about it.
00:20:23.000 Why wait, you know?
00:20:24.000 I don't know.
00:20:24.000 I think what he said was hilarious.
00:20:26.000 I had to evacuate all my hoes.
00:20:27.000 I mean, come on.
00:20:28.000 That's fucking funny.
00:20:29.000 50 Cent's one was fine with me.
00:20:31.000 What did Godfrey say?
00:20:33.000 Okay, you had a much more...
00:20:34.000 Gilbert Godfrey...
00:20:35.000 Let's see what his tweet said.
00:20:38.000 Gilbert Godfrey's tweets were...
00:20:40.000 Oh, they're not even showing them, man.
00:20:45.000 They covered them up?
00:20:46.000 Well, it's not in this one.
00:20:48.000 It's like a lot of stories where they're not...
00:20:50.000 One was kind of like, hey, my girlfriend broke up with me.
00:20:53.000 Don't worry, another one will float by soon, or something like that.
00:20:56.000 Yeah.
00:20:57.000 I can't find them, unfortunately.
00:21:01.000 I think sometimes when you're trying to be funny, sometimes things can go awry.
00:21:05.000 Yeah, well, I mean, he's just a silly guy, you know?
00:21:08.000 Yeah, he's a silly guy who's funny and been doing stuff.
00:21:11.000 Yeah, but that's something you say to your friends, maybe, for a couple of years.
00:21:14.000 I've hung with him a couple of times, and I've laughed harder with that guy.
00:21:18.000 We did an episode of CSI together, and we just had the most off-color fun in the world, but it was a good spirit.
00:21:24.000 You also got to understand the mentality of the New York comedian.
00:21:28.000 New York comics are always trying to over-insult you to the point of being just completely outrageous.
00:21:35.000 Like, Jim Norton told a really funny story on Opie and Anthony about Louis C.K. and him hanging out in the village.
00:21:41.000 And Louis C.K. just walks up to him and slaps his pizza onto the ground and says, your mother's a cunt.
00:21:48.000 Like, out of nowhere.
00:21:50.000 And Jim Norton is laughing while he's telling us, and he's like, oh, it was a juicy slice of pizza, too.
00:21:55.000 I was so mad.
00:21:56.000 I'll read you the text that Will Sassa sends me, because we have a relationship like that, where we try to insult each other the worst we can.
00:22:05.000 He started calling me a mule, and he sends me the most outrageous texts.
00:22:11.000 I can't even describe it.
00:22:12.000 Those relationships with friends like that are fun.
00:22:15.000 People don't understand.
00:22:16.000 Eddie Bravo and I do that shit to each other all the time.
00:22:20.000 I've got to read one of them, too.
00:22:22.000 But anyway, Gilbert Gottfried is in, you know, he's a comic.
00:22:26.000 And when you're a comic, sometimes you write shit, and you're writing shit really for people like you.
00:22:31.000 And for fucking Gilbert, if he was at home, and he was reading someone's Twitter, and he started saying all this shit about Japan, he would be laughing his fucking ass off.
00:22:40.000 It doesn't mean that he's not a sensitive guy.
00:22:42.000 It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel bad for all these people.
00:22:45.000 It's just, it's also funny.
00:22:47.000 Well, I called him one time.
00:22:48.000 I was doing...
00:22:48.000 Yeah, but have you ever seen a little Asian girl cry?
00:22:50.000 It's so adorable.
00:22:52.000 And that times that by millions.
00:22:53.000 And the little Gilbert Goffey's going over there.
00:22:55.000 Yeah, bro.
00:22:55.000 Listen, man.
00:22:56.000 I don't think it's right to say those things.
00:22:58.000 Gilbert looks a little bit like an Asian child.
00:23:00.000 It's funny to Gilbert.
00:23:02.000 It's funny stuff.
00:23:03.000 I mean, it's funny to me, too.
00:23:04.000 Look, I feel terrible about what happened in Japan, but...
00:23:07.000 Those are still good jokes.
00:23:08.000 Yeah, they're good jokes, but not good jokes maybe to put on your Twitter and advertise and throw it out.
00:23:13.000 No, listen, I wouldn't say them.
00:23:14.000 I wouldn't say them for a bunch of reasons.
00:23:16.000 I wouldn't want to say anything that would hurt anybody's feelings like that.
00:23:18.000 Especially someone who just randomly got caught.
00:23:20.000 I don't care how funny the joke is.
00:23:22.000 Yeah, I don't think Gilbert is the kind of guy who ever...
00:23:26.000 He's not got no sacred cows.
00:23:27.000 To him, he's gonna say the joke.
00:23:29.000 And he's a good guy.
00:23:30.000 He's not a bad guy.
00:23:31.000 It's just that he's looking for the laugh.
00:23:34.000 There's a laugh there, and he sees it, and as a comic, he just goes for it.
00:23:37.000 And then, you know, people freak out and get upset about it.
00:23:40.000 I'm sure he'd probably never expect...
00:23:41.000 He's from the age of no internet.
00:23:43.000 You know, he's from the age where you could say anything you wanted.
00:23:46.000 So, you know, those guys, they developed that way.
00:23:48.000 You forget how many people are not into what you're talking about.
00:23:51.000 That's right.
00:23:51.000 You know, and that's what it becomes.
00:23:53.000 And that's okay.
00:23:54.000 Yeah, it's okay.
00:23:55.000 The only problem was that he's a commercial artist as well.
00:23:58.000 He does commercials and that's what fucked him.
00:24:00.000 They pulled him off of a campaign because, you know, look, obviously this is a terrible tragedy, you know, and no one's trying to make light of that.
00:24:09.000 No.
00:24:09.000 But can't you both mourn for the people and laugh too?
00:24:13.000 Is that possible?
00:24:13.000 And I was going to say, this is what I was going to say, is that, you know, for the most part, I think in tragedy, that's exactly what you need.
00:24:22.000 The last thing somebody who's going through a tragedy needs is a bunch of other people acting really somber around that person.
00:24:27.000 Right, and suppressing happiness and laughter.
00:24:29.000 Yeah.
00:24:29.000 And I'm not saying that, you know, you should be happy that that happened.
00:24:32.000 Of course not.
00:24:33.000 But shouldn't, you know, shouldn't we try to be the happiest we can at all times always?
00:24:37.000 Absolutely.
00:24:38.000 Absolutely.
00:24:38.000 And I think there's always room for humor and it does take some of the sting out of it.
00:24:43.000 It's very soon.
00:24:44.000 But think about how a lot of times you do deal with things.
00:24:47.000 You start marking when you're actually over something by how easily you can make fun of it and how easily you can take those.
00:24:54.000 So sometimes you're pushing that too quickly, obviously.
00:25:01.000 I agree.
00:25:02.000 But there's something to people about making a joke about a situation as to not being able to feel for the people that are in that situation.
00:25:12.000 It's not.
00:25:12.000 It's just that, God, it's so far removed.
00:25:15.000 It's way over there that he doesn't even think about it.
00:25:17.000 He just says the joke.
00:25:19.000 I would never do it, and I know you would never do it, but he's just a comic, man.
00:25:24.000 That's what they do.
00:25:25.000 And a good one.
00:25:26.000 And he's a comic that's, like, known for saying, like, the most offensive show of all times.
00:25:30.000 Yeah, like, one time I was doing, I do every year, I do the Doris Roberts Children with AIDS Benefit.
00:25:36.000 So we do stand-up.
00:25:37.000 Kevin James does it sometimes.
00:25:38.000 It's a good time, Sarah Silverman.
00:25:40.000 And we get up and we do, you know, 20 minutes in this big thing.
00:25:43.000 And I called Gilbert to see if he wanted to do it.
00:25:45.000 And Gilbert, Gilbert's a great, you know, and I know him, and he's, but he just kept going, fuck the children!
00:25:51.000 And I go, no, but listen, this is a benefit for AIDS. He goes, Fuck the children!
00:25:56.000 I'm not doing it!
00:25:57.000 And he wouldn't stop saying that until I fucking finally had to hang out.
00:26:01.000 I was like, oh, fuck it.
00:26:02.000 So he seems like when he's on Howard Stern that he very rarely has a real conversation.
00:26:06.000 Right.
00:26:07.000 Because he lives to be funny.
00:26:09.000 What if the same shit happened in California, though?
00:26:11.000 Listen, you're right.
00:26:12.000 And then he did a joke about California.
00:26:14.000 We lost half our friends.
00:26:16.000 You're right.
00:26:16.000 You're right.
00:26:17.000 You would be totally different.
00:26:18.000 No, no, you're right.
00:26:19.000 But Brian, there are guys in Japan and in England and everywhere else that would be saying it.
00:26:23.000 I mean...
00:26:23.000 Yeah.
00:26:24.000 I agree with you that it would hurt, but I don't agree with you that he shouldn't be able to say it.
00:26:29.000 No, you should say it, but you should put it on your Twitter and openly almost brag, like, look, I'm being fucking edgy.
00:26:35.000 You know, you're pushing it in your face.
00:26:37.000 I think Gilbert just miscalculated and made an error in judgment.
00:26:42.000 Twice?
00:26:42.000 He did it twice or three times.
00:26:44.000 He did three different tweets.
00:26:45.000 He did a bunch of them.
00:26:46.000 Yeah.
00:26:46.000 He took them down, unfortunately.
00:26:48.000 They're on TMZ. If anyone's looking for them, they're on TMZ's website.
00:26:51.000 I think the second or third page.
00:26:53.000 I mean, you know, I like Gilbert and I don't think he means what he says and I think he was just being a comic.
00:26:59.000 And probably just pushed the envelope a little.
00:27:01.000 Oh, we're apologists.
00:27:03.000 So let me read you.
00:27:03.000 Yeah, he's really good on Jay.
00:27:04.000 Here's what Will Sasso wrote to me.
00:27:06.000 This is literally, like, I'm just doing minding my own business, and I get this text from him, and this is our relationship.
00:27:12.000 And speaking of kind of being able to joke around, he goes, you're a fucking meat pod.
00:27:17.000 I go, what?
00:27:18.000 What's a meat pod?
00:27:19.000 He goes, ah, fucking anthropod made of meat.
00:27:22.000 You're a fucking, you're a fucking all fours walking meat puppet.
00:27:26.000 Hey, meaty, meaty mule, ready to hang your slack face drool much?
00:27:31.000 Down while you mosey around on all fours, turn into muley.
00:27:36.000 Go around.
00:27:38.000 Hey, mule, get over here and lick these mites out of my ass.
00:27:41.000 You guys sound like you're queer for each other.
00:27:43.000 Yeah.
00:27:43.000 Let me read these Gilbert Gottfried Japan things.
00:27:46.000 Sorry.
00:27:46.000 You're like a little child over there.
00:27:48.000 Here's one.
00:27:49.000 Japan is really advanced.
00:27:50.000 They don't go to the beach.
00:27:51.000 The beach comes to them.
00:27:53.000 I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, there'll be another one floating by any minute now.
00:27:58.000 Wow.
00:27:59.000 That one's fucked up.
00:28:00.000 You know, but whatever, man.
00:28:02.000 If you're going to want these guys to say fucked up shit about other things, you've got to accept it when it's something that either is close to home or hurts your feelings.
00:28:11.000 And I absolutely feel bad for the people that had to hear those jokes and they lost someone over there.
00:28:18.000 Absolutely.
00:28:18.000 That's terrible.
00:28:19.000 But But, you know, fuck, is it worse?
00:28:22.000 The joke actually makes the idea of, I mean, how could you hurt anybody worse than losing a loved one?
00:28:28.000 There's nothing worse.
00:28:28.000 The joke is not going to make it worse.
00:28:30.000 Especially, you know, I was thinking about that.
00:28:32.000 Just have your children, whatever, just washed away.
00:28:35.000 Fuck, dude, I watched some of those videos.
00:28:37.000 Never finding them.
00:28:38.000 It's so terrible.
00:28:39.000 Some of those videos, there's the initial video where it breaks the wall, and you see these boats come over the top of this wall, this seawall, and start smashing through houses.
00:28:47.000 And it's like, whoa, man.
00:28:49.000 Like, that is...
00:28:50.000 It's unbelievable.
00:28:51.000 It's such heavy-duty fury.
00:28:53.000 And then you realize, how much fucking water is there out there?
00:28:56.000 It's an ocean.
00:28:57.000 God damn it!
00:28:58.000 Why would you live so close to the ocean?
00:29:00.000 I was in Malibu this weekend.
00:29:02.000 There's a place called Malibu Seafood.
00:29:06.000 It's a good little fresh seafood place in Malibu.
00:29:09.000 As we were driving, I was looking at all these houses that are right on the beach, and they're ridiculously expensive.
00:29:14.000 For a little tiny-ass house, it would be like five, six million bucks.
00:29:18.000 They're really expensive.
00:29:20.000 In Malibu?
00:29:21.000 Yeah, in Malibu.
00:29:21.000 And I'm like, wait a minute, they're on the beach!
00:29:24.000 What kind of trust do you fuckers have?
00:29:26.000 You got trust that that shit's going to stay there?
00:29:30.000 I remember the first time I ever was in a car high.
00:29:34.000 Eddie Bravo was driving, and we were in Redondo Beach.
00:29:37.000 And we were going over this edge of this hill.
00:29:40.000 And I look off to the left-hand side and I see the ocean.
00:29:43.000 And it was the first time it ever occurred to me how much fucking water that is.
00:29:47.000 Just sitting right there.
00:29:49.000 What we saw, the Japanese thing, was just a little...
00:29:53.000 It was just like it moved in its sleep.
00:29:56.000 Like the ocean just wiggled.
00:29:57.000 How amazing was those videos, by the way?
00:29:59.000 Incredible.
00:29:59.000 Houses just destroyed in a second.
00:30:01.000 Incredible, but it makes you really realize what could happen if, say, there was an asteroid impact or...
00:30:08.000 You know, the Canary Islands, the East Coast has to worry about the Canary Islands because apparently there's a volcanic shelf that if it drops off, and it will, and it has in the past, drops off into the ocean, it will cause a fucking tidal wave that will drown everyone a mile in on the East Coast.
00:30:26.000 The whole Northeast Coast is just going to get fucking slammed with this insane amount of water.
00:30:33.000 You know what's weird is that when I watched that wave come through, I thought the houses could withstand it, sort of.
00:30:40.000 I mean, they just go underwater.
00:30:41.000 Fuck, dude.
00:30:41.000 No way.
00:30:42.000 But instead it got all just up, even like telephone poles got up.
00:30:46.000 The mass of that water is something I don't think we can...
00:30:49.000 It's also pushing debris with it, isn't it?
00:30:50.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:30:50.000 It's also pushing.
00:30:51.000 It's like a huge, like the thing, like the blob or whatever that...
00:30:56.000 Right, right, right.
00:30:57.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:30:57.000 It absorbs everything, yeah.
00:30:59.000 Yeah, I mean, it's got fucking cars in it.
00:31:03.000 It's pushing cars.
00:31:03.000 Yeah.
00:31:03.000 It's like a huge, like, meat mush of stuff.
00:31:06.000 And there's so much energy behind it.
00:31:08.000 I mean, didn't they say that the tsunami wave was traveling something like 500 miles an hour?
00:31:12.000 Well, I think once they get an earthquake on the bottom of the ocean, the ripple effect can be as fast as 600 miles an hour.
00:31:18.000 Oh, God.
00:31:18.000 So, I guess it's, yeah.
00:31:20.000 Tsunamis, I guess, start underwater that fast.
00:31:22.000 Like...
00:31:23.000 Fuck, man.
00:31:24.000 It's just energy, I guess.
00:31:25.000 They said it created a breach that was, or I don't know what the word they used to describe it, but 50 miles wide and 270 miles long.
00:31:34.000 That's how much moved on the bottom of the Earth's surface.
00:31:38.000 That's like those rogue waves when you're on a cruise.
00:31:40.000 Oh, I've seen those.
00:31:41.000 Fuck a cruise ship, dude.
00:31:43.000 Fuck that.
00:31:44.000 Fuck that.
00:31:45.000 I hated when I was on a cruise ship.
00:31:46.000 Dude, that scares the shit out of me.
00:31:48.000 Not only that, here's what I think about on cruises.
00:31:51.000 What a perfect way for a maniac to randomly kill people.
00:31:55.000 Just throw people off the boat.
00:31:56.000 I'm just gonna chuck you off the boat.
00:31:58.000 I've been on cruises.
00:32:00.000 At 12 at night, nobody's on that deck and nobody's stopping the boat.
00:32:03.000 What do you mean?
00:32:03.000 What's that shit called?
00:32:07.000 What's that shit called where they say that people on boats sometimes gaze out into the ocean and just jump off for some reason?
00:32:13.000 Really?
00:32:13.000 There's like a term for it.
00:32:14.000 Retard?
00:32:15.000 No, no, no.
00:32:16.000 They call it like ocean's dream or something like that.
00:32:20.000 They get tranced by it.
00:32:21.000 Sirens call?
00:32:21.000 Really?
00:32:22.000 Yeah.
00:32:22.000 I always thought it probably doesn't exist.
00:32:24.000 That condition is just people getting murdered.
00:32:27.000 And then they're just like, well, another ocean mermaid piss.
00:32:29.000 It's also Odysseus now.
00:32:31.000 Remember in the Odyssey, though, when Odysseus tells the sailors not to look at the sirens, or not to listen to the sirens, because if you listen to them, you'll jump in the water and you'll try to follow them, and then you drown?
00:32:42.000 And a lot of the men didn't cover up their ears?
00:32:45.000 Yeah, it was the sirens, and isn't there a Celtic myth about something like that as well?
00:32:50.000 What was that?
00:32:50.000 Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?
00:32:52.000 When the women in the water...
00:32:53.000 Are they sirens?
00:32:54.000 Is that what they were?
00:32:54.000 Those were mermaids, aren't they?
00:32:56.000 No, they were like temptresses.
00:32:58.000 I love that movie.
00:32:59.000 That was a great movie.
00:33:00.000 The Coen brothers are the best, man.
00:33:02.000 I forgive them even for movies that end with no ending.
00:33:05.000 I love when they just do weird shit.
00:33:08.000 They just take chances.
00:33:09.000 Remember Barton Fink?
00:33:11.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:33:11.000 That was such a great movie with John Goodman and John Turturro.
00:33:14.000 Dude, Fargo, man.
00:33:15.000 Still holds up.
00:33:16.000 Go back and watch that.
00:33:17.000 Raising Arizona.
00:33:18.000 Oh, yeah.
00:33:19.000 Elf.
00:33:20.000 What the fuck, bro?
00:33:21.000 Elf is good.
00:33:22.000 I watched that last night.
00:33:22.000 That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about.
00:33:24.000 I've never seen Elf.
00:33:25.000 I can't comment on it.
00:33:27.000 Will Ferrell's hilarious.
00:33:28.000 You know what I did see?
00:33:29.000 I went to see Red Riding Hood because I'm completely fixated on werewolves.
00:33:34.000 I'm friends with the director.
00:33:35.000 Of Red Riding Hood?
00:33:36.000 Really?
00:33:37.000 Really?
00:33:37.000 You're friends with the chick who directed Twilight?
00:33:39.000 Yeah.
00:33:39.000 Are you wearing a tampon or anything?
00:33:41.000 Yeah, I know.
00:33:42.000 I'm good friends with her boyfriend, Jamie.
00:33:47.000 What?
00:33:47.000 We play cricket together.
00:33:48.000 Did you guys talk Twilight and did you ask her serious questions and pretend you enjoyed the movie?
00:33:52.000 Okay, now, do you think that they really love each other?
00:33:57.000 For me, I felt that, but he's a vampire.
00:34:00.000 Please tell me that you got in an insincere conversation with the woman who was the director of Twilight about how great the movie was.
00:34:07.000 No, we actually ended up playing running charades.
00:34:09.000 Please tell me.
00:34:11.000 I wish I had.
00:34:11.000 She's cool, man.
00:34:12.000 She's really cool.
00:34:13.000 I actually watched the first Twilight and I didn't have a problem with it.
00:34:16.000 I was like, well, it's not a bad movie, but there's been way worse movies.
00:34:19.000 It's not for me.
00:34:20.000 It's not my generation.
00:34:21.000 It's for children.
00:34:22.000 He liked the books better.
00:34:24.000 The book's amazing.
00:34:27.000 Saw the book.
00:34:28.000 Saw the book.
00:34:29.000 Try to live the book.
00:34:30.000 Anyway, go on, Joe.
00:34:31.000 I think it was the second one.
00:34:33.000 I was like, alright, this is getting fucking dumb.
00:34:36.000 This dropped off substantially.
00:34:39.000 The first one was pretty decent.
00:34:39.000 She did a good job of capturing that teenage angst, that achy love.
00:34:44.000 Yeah, it's like an achy love sort of horror movie.
00:34:46.000 It was kind of like achy love, but more exciting than the usual whiny bullshit.
00:34:49.000 I fell in love with her, too.
00:34:50.000 Kristen Stewart, I don't know what it is about her, but I just wanted to...
00:34:53.000 You know, she's my friend John's daughter.
00:34:55.000 Really?
00:34:55.000 Yeah, John Stewart was the...
00:34:58.000 I guess I don't know his actual position.
00:35:00.000 Assistant director, I guess, on Fear Factor.
00:35:03.000 He was the guy who organized everything on the set.
00:35:05.000 He's great.
00:35:06.000 Super pro.
00:35:07.000 He's one of these guys talks like this.
00:35:09.000 We got you over there, buddy.
00:35:10.000 Have a seat.
00:35:11.000 We'll be get you in five.
00:35:12.000 Get you in five.
00:35:13.000 Just always on the ball, juggles the whole set like a fucking champion.
00:35:16.000 We had a bunch of people that did that job, and they all stumbled and fucked up.
00:35:20.000 It's just too much work.
00:35:22.000 But this guy's like an old pro.
00:35:24.000 He's been around forever.
00:35:25.000 And he was telling me about his daughter doing some movie with Jodie Foster.
00:35:28.000 I'm like, yo, why are you letting your daughter act?
00:35:29.000 I know.
00:35:30.000 What's that about?
00:35:31.000 And then meanwhile, listen to me.
00:35:32.000 His daughter now is one of the most famous actresses in the fucking world.
00:35:37.000 She's probably made enough money to retire for the rest of her life.
00:35:40.000 You're making a lot of money.
00:35:41.000 She's so pretty.
00:35:42.000 Something about her I just find so...
00:35:43.000 Like, she doesn't try.
00:35:45.000 She doesn't really even wear makeup.
00:35:47.000 She just is...
00:35:48.000 You know, there's so much to be said for people who can just be present and not try to do anything and not try to be...
00:35:55.000 I'm just talking about people.
00:35:55.000 Before we start, in any conversation about a girl, I have to tell you that you know that you are always attracted to girls that look like they may cry.
00:36:04.000 Yeah.
00:36:05.000 That's you.
00:36:06.000 You are the guy who comes over and the girl is standing out in the rain.
00:36:12.000 That's the greatest description.
00:36:13.000 And she looks like she's going to cry and you're like, hey, look what I found!
00:36:17.000 I found a project!
00:36:19.000 I'm going to save you!
00:36:21.000 Let me get in my horse and ride over there and save you, damsel.
00:36:24.000 Yeah, you love that.
00:36:25.000 That's the best, that's the funniest and best way to describe it.
00:36:28.000 That's you, buddy.
00:36:30.000 You and I have talked about this many times.
00:36:31.000 I've had to rescue you a few times.
00:36:34.000 Yeah, you have.
00:36:35.000 And I actively ignored you a couple times, which almost cost me my house and a lot of money.
00:36:41.000 There was one time where I ran into Brian and Brian and I were in Hollywood and he said, I'm going to bring this girl by that I'm dating.
00:36:47.000 I would love to see her.
00:36:48.000 And she goes, hi, nice to meet you.
00:36:50.000 And I shake her hand.
00:36:51.000 I look at him.
00:36:52.000 I go, come here for a second.
00:36:53.000 And I go, I take him outside.
00:36:54.000 I go, listen to me.
00:36:55.000 I go, she's fucking crazy.
00:36:57.000 She's fucking crazy.
00:36:57.000 I have like the most ridiculous crazy radar.
00:37:00.000 And when there's something really wrong with someone, my body goes on red alert.
00:37:05.000 Well, guess what?
00:37:06.000 She was on meth when she met you.
00:37:08.000 Yeah, meanwhile...
00:37:08.000 Which I didn't know.
00:37:09.000 I didn't know what the hell meant.
00:37:11.000 I knew.
00:37:11.000 I just thought she had energy and she was jerky.
00:37:12.000 Bitch was squirrely as fuck.
00:37:14.000 As soon as she came over, dude, she was so off the charts, bizarre and shaky and weird.
00:37:20.000 And she's just saying hello to me.
00:37:22.000 I pull him aside.
00:37:23.000 All she said is, hello, nice to meet you.
00:37:24.000 And then I go, whoa.
00:37:26.000 Come here for a second.
00:37:27.000 And I take him outside and I go, she's fucking crazy.
00:37:29.000 Let's get out of here right now.
00:37:31.000 Let's get out of here right fucking now.
00:37:33.000 You don't have to say goodbye to her.
00:37:34.000 Just call or tell her.
00:37:35.000 You're never going to hang out with her again.
00:37:37.000 Anyway, the long end of the story is chaos.
00:37:40.000 All sorts of things happen.
00:37:41.000 He breaks up with her.
00:37:42.000 And then many, many years later.
00:37:44.000 How many years later was it that you saw her walking?
00:37:47.000 Tell the story.
00:37:47.000 Walking down the street?
00:37:48.000 About a year.
00:37:49.000 Tell the story.
00:37:50.000 Keep it kind of...
00:37:50.000 Okay, okay.
00:37:52.000 We're on the DL. We didn't name any names.
00:37:54.000 Yeah, I know.
00:37:55.000 You dated a hundred methods.
00:37:57.000 That's true.
00:37:58.000 It could have been any one of them.
00:37:59.000 It used to be my thing.
00:38:00.000 Nothing really good comes out of that whole drug, man.
00:38:03.000 Nobody ever said, hey, I did meth, and then everything worked out.
00:38:06.000 Yeah, there's no meth advocates.
00:38:07.000 I had these problems, and I did some meth, and everything just...
00:38:10.000 I got a new house, and my body looks great.
00:38:13.000 Yeah.
00:38:14.000 You know what looks tricky, though?
00:38:16.000 What's tricky is that Adderall stuff, which is kind of like a speed, right?
00:38:20.000 I mean, isn't it a form of speed?
00:38:22.000 It's cocaine.
00:38:22.000 Is it?
00:38:23.000 It's just cocaine.
00:38:24.000 Synthetic cocaine or something.
00:38:25.000 Is it?
00:38:26.000 Probably.
00:38:26.000 That's what it feels like to me when I did it.
00:38:28.000 It just felt like I was on cocaine.
00:38:30.000 Well, that's probably because most of the cocaine you got was cut.
00:38:33.000 With Adderall?
00:38:34.000 With speed.
00:38:34.000 With speed.
00:38:35.000 Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:38:35.000 So I think it's like a speed.
00:38:37.000 Yeah, it's speedy.
00:38:38.000 Yeah, because the late, great Robert Schimmel, God bless him, rest his soul, and all that good stuff, great guy.
00:38:45.000 He told me once, I ran into him just randomly, and he told me about accidentally taking someone's Adderall.
00:38:50.000 He thought it was something else.
00:38:52.000 He thought it was like his blood pills.
00:38:53.000 You know, he had a heart attack.
00:38:54.000 And he thought it was, and he had cancer.
00:38:56.000 You know, he had a lot of fucking serious health problems.
00:38:59.000 Maybe he didn't have a heart attack.
00:39:00.000 Maybe he just had cancer.
00:39:02.000 Anyway, he had some serious health problems.
00:39:04.000 And he took this Adderall by mistake.
00:39:08.000 And he called his doctor.
00:39:08.000 He was like, holy shit, I think I took Adderall by mistake.
00:39:10.000 What do I do?
00:39:11.000 He said, you can't do anything.
00:39:12.000 Just kick back and enjoy the ride.
00:39:15.000 It's going to be with you for the next 12 hours, but you're going to be fine.
00:39:17.000 He goes, for 12 hours, I just organized all my notes.
00:39:20.000 He goes, I just started writing.
00:39:22.000 He goes, I got so much shit done.
00:39:23.000 Is that what you take it for, to be more clear?
00:39:25.000 Yeah, some people take it.
00:39:27.000 ADD people usually take it.
00:39:29.000 Yeah, a buddy of mine's on it.
00:39:30.000 He's on it all day.
00:39:30.000 You know him, too.
00:39:31.000 We'll talk about it off the air.
00:39:32.000 But he's on it all day.
00:39:34.000 He takes it all day, every day.
00:39:35.000 He's prescribed by a doctor.
00:39:37.000 Really?
00:39:37.000 Yeah.
00:39:38.000 I don't know what specifically they said he needed it for, but man, he's a fucking workaholic now.
00:39:43.000 It's like that fucking movie that's coming out with Bradley Cooper.
00:39:46.000 Yeah.
00:39:47.000 Limitless.
00:39:47.000 Limitless, where you take a pill and all of a sudden this pill makes you super focused.
00:39:51.000 Yeah.
00:39:52.000 I'm sure they're going to come up with stuff.
00:39:54.000 That's Adderall, bro.
00:39:55.000 There's a lot of fucking people on Adderall.
00:39:57.000 I found out about Adderall when I was on Fear Factor because there was PAs, production assistants, and the production assistants were all like college kids.
00:40:07.000 They were all doing it like a lot of them were.
00:40:10.000 They're doing it for just getting out of school, first gig, and they're doing it as part of their classes.
00:40:16.000 And they would start talking about how they would take Adderall while they're in school.
00:40:20.000 So I was like, you know, kids are taking Adderall?
00:40:22.000 Like, what are you doing?
00:40:23.000 And they're like, oh my god, I can't even go to school without Adderall.
00:40:25.000 I was like, what?
00:40:26.000 Like, what are you talking about?
00:40:27.000 That's what I thought was interesting about, did you see a documentary, Bigger, Faster, Stronger?
00:40:31.000 Yes.
00:40:31.000 And, you know, people say, well, you're taking steroids and then there'll be gene doping and all kinds of things and pretty soon they'll have nanotechnology that kind of oxygenates your blood.
00:40:39.000 But they said, you know, steroids are illegal, but yet performers can take beta blockers, for example, that actually keep them from getting nervous.
00:40:47.000 Can they really?
00:40:48.000 They're allowed?
00:40:48.000 That's legal?
00:40:48.000 Well, I mean, apparently, one of the guys was an orchestra violinist, and he takes beta blockers because it helps him.
00:40:56.000 Otherwise, he doesn't get nervous.
00:40:57.000 He's much better at playing.
00:40:59.000 The issue is that is a performance-enhancing drug.
00:41:02.000 You could make the argument.
00:41:04.000 Right, but that's like the difference between violins and steroids is a pretty big leap.
00:41:10.000 But the debate still is they're both performance enhancing drugs.
00:41:14.000 One makes you more muscular because that's what was required in your particular endeavor.
00:41:18.000 Whereas the other makes you more focused and your fingers are more relaxed, whatever it might be.
00:41:22.000 It's just an interesting debate.
00:41:24.000 You've got to go, where do you draw the line?
00:41:25.000 I say personal freedom is where you draw the line.
00:41:27.000 I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do.
00:41:29.000 If you want to take Adderall and write books all day, good for you.
00:41:31.000 Why would I? Give individuals the choice.
00:41:33.000 It's like when Bloomberg in New York, Mayor Bloomberg, made restaurants where we're not allowed to provide foods that had trans fats.
00:41:43.000 I don't know if that law went through, but that was the...
00:41:45.000 What exactly are trans fats?
00:41:47.000 I think trans fatty acids...
00:41:48.000 That's fats with penises.
00:41:49.000 No, I think trans fats...
00:41:54.000 Brian just knocked it out of the park.
00:41:57.000 That's why he's here, folks.
00:41:59.000 I think it's like a partially hydrogenated oil.
00:42:04.000 Whatever it is.
00:42:05.000 It's not good, but delicious.
00:42:07.000 You know what, man?
00:42:08.000 I want to be able to eat not good, but delicious sometimes.
00:42:10.000 If you're going to make trans fats illegal, let's make two things.
00:42:14.000 Let's take white flour and sugar.
00:42:16.000 How about fucking cigarettes, man?
00:42:19.000 Yeah.
00:42:19.000 Before they even touch that.
00:42:20.000 Where do you draw the line?
00:42:22.000 White flour and sugar make some delicious donuts.
00:42:25.000 That's where you draw the line.
00:42:26.000 Now, if you eat too many of them, you'll get diabetes.
00:42:28.000 But give me a break.
00:42:29.000 You know what I mean?
00:42:30.000 You're going to make it...
00:42:31.000 You can't...
00:42:32.000 You've got to figure out where to draw the line.
00:42:33.000 You make people weaker.
00:42:34.000 Yeah.
00:42:35.000 People should be able to make their own choices based on the information that they can...
00:42:40.000 And nowadays, everybody can get information.
00:42:41.000 I'm always amazed that so many people don't spend more time taking a look at what they put in their bodies.
00:42:46.000 But some people worry about access to children.
00:42:49.000 This is like the big worry.
00:42:50.000 Yeah, yeah, I hear that about adults, but what about my kids?
00:42:52.000 I don't want my kids...
00:42:53.000 It's always going to be a worry.
00:42:53.000 It's never not been a worry that the answer to that is not to take away adults' ability to choose things for themselves.
00:43:02.000 It doesn't make the world a safer place.
00:43:04.000 You want to try to make the world a safer place?
00:43:06.000 Let's take one example.
00:43:07.000 Lower the speed limit to 36 miles an hour.
00:43:09.000 It'll save lives.
00:43:10.000 I can measure that for you mathematically.
00:43:12.000 You want to lower the speed limit?
00:43:13.000 No.
00:43:14.000 We're going to have it at 55, 65 because that's the pace life moves at.
00:43:19.000 And by the way, people die at that pace.
00:43:21.000 But nobody's going to slow down because the slowdown is, ready, not worth it.
00:43:27.000 So you're putting a price on human life, which we do every single day as a society, and we have to.
00:43:31.000 That's an interesting way to put it.
00:43:33.000 You could spend more money on airlines.
00:43:34.000 You could spend actually more money to really, really triple safeguard planes.
00:43:39.000 You could actually do it.
00:43:41.000 Wouldn't be worth it because price for everybody would go up and you wouldn't be able to fly that way.
00:43:46.000 We make these decisions subconsciously and consciously every single day.
00:43:50.000 My friend Johnny used to say, why don't they put a big parachute at the top of the plane?
00:43:56.000 It's such a smart thing.
00:43:58.000 That's a great idea.
00:43:58.000 I thought about that and I'm like, god damn it, that's like some genius shit.
00:44:02.000 Why don't they?
00:44:03.000 No one even talks about it.
00:44:04.000 I like when they find that black box and the guy's like, why don't they just make the whole plane?
00:44:10.000 Made out of the same shit.
00:44:12.000 That was a hack in 87. It sure was.
00:44:14.000 Or why don't they at least give you parachutes per, you know, like underneath your seat just in case of you, just last ditch.
00:44:20.000 You're fucked anyway, bro.
00:44:21.000 Well, but planes, planes don't fall, they don't fall out of the sky.
00:44:24.000 Usually most plane crashes happen on takeoff and landing.
00:44:27.000 So that's, so your parachute's not going to do shit.
00:44:30.000 It's not like you're in the air and the plane...
00:44:31.000 What you need is some sort of adamantanium, the shit that Wolverine's bones is made out of.
00:44:36.000 Right.
00:44:36.000 Like a shield that you put around you on impact.
00:44:38.000 Wouldn't matter, because impact, the percussion, your brain would smash against your head.
00:44:42.000 Maybe you, maybe you.
00:44:42.000 Or just like...
00:44:43.000 My brain would be fine, bro.
00:44:44.000 Or just a huge shot of heroin with bubbles and stuff.
00:44:47.000 I got padding in my brain.
00:44:48.000 Maybe you, bro.
00:44:49.000 Whatever, Joe's getting competitive with me.
00:44:50.000 He's getting competitive with me.
00:44:51.000 Who can take more impact?
00:44:53.000 This is such a stupid conversation.
00:44:55.000 I hate this podcast.
00:44:58.000 Last night when I was shrooming and went outside, and looking at the stars when you're shrooming is the most fucking amazing thing in the whole entire world.
00:45:05.000 They were just pulsating.
00:45:07.000 You sound like you're riding a dolphin right now, dude.
00:45:10.000 With a unicorn blowing him.
00:45:12.000 He's just like anywhere.
00:45:13.000 Right now I'm riding a dolphin.
00:45:15.000 The unicorn's licking his asshole.
00:45:16.000 He's got hay around his asshole and the unicorn's licking it.
00:45:20.000 I want to shroom every day.
00:45:22.000 I don't think that's good for you, bro.
00:45:24.000 I think that's what happened to the Mayans.
00:45:25.000 That's my latest...
00:45:26.000 I have this bit about the Mayans.
00:45:28.000 About the Mayans, you know, the reason why they came up with this end of the world shit.
00:45:31.000 They were fucking doing mushrooms and like staring at space all day.
00:45:35.000 Like there's a certain amount of mushrooms you should stop at and whatever the fuck the Mayans did.
00:45:39.000 Because they disappeared.
00:45:40.000 You know, the people, the Mayan people are still there.
00:45:42.000 That's what's weird.
00:45:43.000 When I went to Chichen Itza, I went on the tour of the ruins and everything like that.
00:45:48.000 There's people there that look like those Mayan sculptures.
00:45:52.000 There's people there that have those Mayan features, and they're really tiny people.
00:45:57.000 It's really bizarre.
00:45:58.000 So the Mayans, it's not like they all died off, but whatever the fuck they were doing was so crazy.
00:46:04.000 That it got to a point with human sacrifices and the whole thing just fell apart.
00:46:08.000 When you're doing human sacrifice, I'd call that pretty crazy, and raiding other villages.
00:46:12.000 A lot of it might have been that they were just getting fucked up on mushrooms all the time.
00:46:17.000 Just going to war on mushrooms.
00:46:19.000 And we know the Vikings went to war on mushrooms.
00:46:22.000 They would become berserkers.
00:46:23.000 And the Scots, they called them berserks, yeah.
00:46:25.000 Yeah, I don't know what mushroom they took.
00:46:27.000 I'm sure someone on Twitter will tell us, but I think it was the Amanita muscaria, which is the one that's linked to Siberia and Santa Claus.
00:46:34.000 Because they would get naked and they say they'd cry blood.
00:46:37.000 Yeah, well, you know, listen, man, if you fucking put yourself on the right mixture, you know, and you've got to go to war, you put yourself on some crazy next dimension mixture...
00:46:47.000 You know you have to go to war.
00:46:49.000 We think of war as something to be avoided.
00:46:51.000 But when you're living in 1 AD, there's no avoiding it.
00:46:55.000 There's dudes with swords and they're coming on horses and you better get a spear.
00:46:59.000 And the weird thing is the way they would fight is...
00:47:02.000 The way they would fight, I always think about this.
00:47:04.000 If I was in the front line, you want me to charge into all those blades and just fight like that.
00:47:09.000 I'd be waiting.
00:47:10.000 I want to be the sniper.
00:47:11.000 I want to be the guy first.
00:47:12.000 There was no avoiding that.
00:47:13.000 That shit happened.
00:47:14.000 I'd learn the bow and arrow quick.
00:47:16.000 Yeah, but even that, man, eventually someone's going to run up on you and hack your leg off.
00:47:19.000 It's a bad way to talk.
00:47:20.000 What a crazy way to go to war.
00:47:22.000 Those fucking Braveheart movies where they have two armies, they meet across a field, and they just run at each other?
00:47:27.000 I know.
00:47:28.000 Did they really rock it like that?
00:47:29.000 I hope not.
00:47:30.000 I wouldn't have done that.
00:47:32.000 At least they had anesthesia and antibiotics back then, right?
00:47:35.000 I would have stopped to bend over to tie my metal shoelaces.
00:47:39.000 Do you know how sucky it was to live back then?
00:47:42.000 You died of things like tetanus, diphtheria, whooping cough, smallpox.
00:47:47.000 How about starvation and animal attacks?
00:47:50.000 Starvation, animal attacks, other countries coming in and going, hey, we're going to kill you and enslave your kids and rape your wife.
00:47:58.000 You know what people have forgotten about, man?
00:48:00.000 Wolves.
00:48:00.000 There's all this talk like, we've got to save the wolf.
00:48:03.000 The wolf are amazing, majestic creatures.
00:48:06.000 Yeah, wolves used to eat fucking kids, man.
00:48:09.000 There's a reason why all these Little Red Riding Hood with that movie that I saw, all these three little pigs, there's a reason why there's wolves in all these children's stories.
00:48:17.000 Because wolves would fucking eat your kids.
00:48:19.000 Yeah.
00:48:19.000 They're out there, man.
00:48:21.000 And they're getting stronger and bigger.
00:48:22.000 Did you hear about the wolf pack in Siberia?
00:48:24.000 Or somewhere in the Soviet Union.
00:48:27.000 But we're forming somewhere.
00:48:30.000 Russia.
00:48:30.000 Whatever it's called now.
00:48:31.000 400. They had found bear DNA in their feces.
00:48:36.000 They were killing bears, right?
00:48:37.000 Well, no.
00:48:38.000 That's not what I'm talking about.
00:48:38.000 I'm talking about a pack of super wolves.
00:48:40.000 There was 400 wolves in this Russian town.
00:48:43.000 And they were killing horses.
00:48:44.000 They were ganging up.
00:48:45.000 Because it got so cold, apparently, that all the animals that they prey on died.
00:48:49.000 Wow.
00:48:50.000 So they started breaking into places and killing horses.
00:48:52.000 Wow.
00:48:53.000 And there's 400 of them acting as a super pack.
00:48:55.000 First of all, living in Siberia in the wintertime, and they're like...
00:49:00.000 Well, I'm not sure if it's Siberia.
00:49:01.000 It's somewhere, obviously, incredibly cold in Alaska because everything died.
00:49:06.000 Everything froze to death.
00:49:06.000 That's nuts.
00:49:07.000 There's been a lot of freezing to death lately, man.
00:49:09.000 In Vietnam, 7,000 fucking, I think it was oxen, oxen or some wild cow or something, whatever the fuck it was, but 7,000 large animals died.
00:49:21.000 Wow.
00:49:21.000 With all these massive die-offs that's happening this year, all of them together, I don't remember any die-offs just a few years ago.
00:49:31.000 I think they've always happened.
00:49:31.000 You think so?
00:49:32.000 Yeah, I think in nature you always have diabetes.
00:49:34.000 By the way, you also always have viruses that come in and wipe out, for example, the wild dog of Africa.
00:49:40.000 That dog, you know, a lot of, from what I've read and seen, I believe, they get, one of them gets distemper and then the whole pack dies.
00:49:48.000 You know, they just spread it back and forth.
00:49:49.000 I had a dog that had distemper and it was scary as fuck.
00:49:51.000 Yeah, it's scary.
00:49:52.000 I had a rescue dog.
00:49:53.000 He was a Doberman and he was real sweet.
00:49:55.000 And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, man, he just started snapping at me and growling at me.
00:49:59.000 And I was a little kid.
00:50:00.000 I was like 11. One of the great things we've done as human beings in the 20th century is really checked most pathogens, most diseases like that.
00:50:11.000 We have come up with an ability to really make them slim to vanishing in our everyday lives.
00:50:17.000 When was the last time you knew anybody who died of a disease?
00:50:20.000 And if you read any kind of literature, any literature, pick up any book from even 1948, even if you watch plays, there was always...
00:50:30.000 Everybody had dealt with different kinds of plague, whether it was influenza, the worldwide influenza that hit this country very, very hard in the 20s, or polio, which put countless children, thousands of children on iron lungs.
00:50:46.000 They died, and then they lost their ability to walk.
00:50:49.000 Our own president of the United States got polio and was in a wheelchair.
00:50:54.000 Now think about that.
00:50:56.000 When he was governor of New York, Franklin Roosevelt was basically walking and standing and then he got polio when he was at the height of his power.
00:51:15.000 At the height of his power is when he caught it?
00:51:17.000 Yeah.
00:51:17.000 Yeah, then he became president of the United States.
00:51:19.000 Yeah, there's no doubt that it's the safest time to live ever.
00:51:22.000 There's never been a time like this.
00:51:23.000 You know, with all the violence that we have, think of the population.
00:51:26.000 The population has dramatically increased.
00:51:28.000 When people say, well, things aren't like they were in the 70s.
00:51:31.000 Motherfucker, do you know how many more people there are than there were in the 70s?
00:51:33.000 In the 70s, there was probably only 3 billion people in the world or something.
00:51:38.000 The other thing that's amazing is we've figured out ways to harness food.
00:51:41.000 Like, you know, India, wide swaths of India and Southeast Asia, and especially in China, went through terrible famines and never had enough to eat.
00:51:49.000 And a lot of that, a lot of that stuff is a memory.
00:51:51.000 Thank God.
00:51:52.000 It seems to me, though, that these things are happening much more frequently.
00:51:55.000 I would like to think that it's just because of our access to information that we have with the internet and Twitter and all these things.
00:52:00.000 So we find out about disasters, whether it's in Chile, whether it's in China, whether it's in New Zealand.
00:52:05.000 Yeah.
00:52:05.000 We find out about them in real time.
00:52:07.000 But I don't buy that, man.
00:52:08.000 I feel like there's more.
00:52:10.000 I mean, I guess someone should do the research, or maybe somebody already has, and I just need to find the site.
00:52:14.000 But I think more things are happening now than I can ever remember.
00:52:18.000 And I'm trying to be objective about it.
00:52:20.000 No, I understand, but I think we all have a tendency as human beings also, number one, to, first of all, I don't think there's ever been a time in history when people weren't predicting the end of our race as we know it.
00:52:30.000 I'm talking about the first century Pharisees or the Essenes.
00:52:36.000 In the Bible, that's what they talk about.
00:52:38.000 They were apocryphal.
00:52:40.000 That is so much a part of our nature, I think.
00:52:45.000 Not only to always imagine disaster and prepare for disaster, but to predict disaster.
00:52:51.000 I think that...
00:52:53.000 The one thing that's for sure is that you will always deal with these, what they call black swans, these sort of aberrations that come out of nowhere and take the whole chessboard and throw it in the air.
00:53:04.000 And that is as much about the human experience as anything else.
00:53:08.000 And I think that if you always keep in mind that all this can be taken away from you or can change you or can throw your whole contract that you came to this table with, rip it to shreds, You'll probably be better off.
00:53:24.000 No one's read that contract.
00:53:26.000 This is the real problem with human beings.
00:53:28.000 We all just exist and we don't really think about what the fuck is truly going on until something nutty happens.
00:53:34.000 That's right.
00:53:35.000 And by the way, remember, a lot of psychiatrists will tell you that all of us come to the table with a contract.
00:53:40.000 We all make deals with ourselves.
00:53:41.000 We say, if I work really hard, I'm going to get this job.
00:53:44.000 If I work really hard, I'm going to get famous.
00:53:46.000 If I work really hard, I'll make a lot of money.
00:53:48.000 And a lot of times, life doesn't work that way for a whole myriad of reasons.
00:53:53.000 A lot of times, by the way, it's because people aren't honest with themselves and don't realize what they're actually good at versus what they want to be good at.
00:53:59.000 We see that a lot with acting and all these things, but I think you see it everywhere.
00:54:03.000 But at the end of the day, most of us...
00:54:06.000 It's really interesting, the social scientists, because they'll say, a lot of times we have a contract come to the table and we say, this is what happens.
00:54:12.000 We get older, it doesn't happen.
00:54:13.000 But human beings are also really, really good at creating what they call synthetic happiness.
00:54:17.000 They can assess what they got now versus what they did want, and they realize it didn't work out, and then they'll just start to really love what they like.
00:54:26.000 The social scientists did a really interesting study between people who won the lottery and then people who became...
00:54:32.000 Paraplegics.
00:54:33.000 And he measured their sort of happiness on a broad sort of scale a year later and found that they were both in the same place.
00:54:40.000 Because the people in the wheelchair had done such a good job of embracing their new reality.
00:54:45.000 That just means the lottery winners are retards.
00:54:48.000 That's all that means.
00:54:48.000 Well, yeah, I'm just saying.
00:54:49.000 That's crazy.
00:54:50.000 No, if you won the lottery, dude, you'd be way happier than if you were in a wheelchair.
00:54:54.000 Unless you're an idiot.
00:54:55.000 Well, but I'm just saying human beings, it's more a comment on the people in the wheelchair.
00:54:59.000 Yeah.
00:54:59.000 What I was saying, man, when I was saying that people aren't exactly aware of what's going on, here's the deal.
00:55:06.000 We live in a society that was collected over the course of hundreds of years of innovation.
00:55:13.000 It's created off the work of millions of people that you've never met.
00:55:18.000 That's right.
00:55:18.000 And all their combined efforts and discoveries have allowed you to live this really simple and easy life.
00:55:24.000 Right.
00:55:24.000 And that's what we're all doing.
00:55:25.000 And we are all raising children with the same ignorance that we have about what this is all about.
00:55:30.000 In this country.
00:55:31.000 In this country and all countries.
00:55:33.000 No one knows what the next stage of this existence is.
00:55:35.000 I think, for example, if you look at India and you look at China, and especially India, India is becoming a real hotbed of innovation.
00:55:43.000 And those kids work...
00:55:45.000 They're slaves.
00:55:46.000 No, they work hard.
00:55:47.000 I call them when my Dell computer doesn't work.
00:55:50.000 But they're smart, and a lot of that innovation is coming out of India.
00:55:52.000 I'm sure there is, man.
00:55:54.000 I'm sure it is.
00:55:55.000 What I'm saying, what I'm getting at is, no one has earned this life that we live right now.
00:55:59.000 No one that's alive has.
00:56:00.000 It's a collective effort.
00:56:02.000 But as individuals, very few of us are even putting into perspective normal things like our own mortality, the mortality of our very climate, the mortality of the structure and the shape of the continent.
00:56:16.000 I think because, in a lot of ways, we're more comfortable today than we ever have been.
00:56:21.000 Plenty to eat.
00:56:22.000 You can go way beyond your biology.
00:56:24.000 You don't worry about these diseases.
00:56:25.000 You don't even really have to worry about war for the most part.
00:56:27.000 That's new in our country.
00:56:28.000 Remember, in 2011, if you take even 1985, half the world was under communist dictatorships who had their missiles pointed directly at our major cities.
00:56:38.000 That doesn't exist anymore.
00:56:39.000 There really is, for all intents and purposes, one superpower, one military superpower in the world.
00:56:43.000 And Russia's no longer a threat.
00:56:45.000 Think about that.
00:56:46.000 We now have NATO. Most of the Eastern European countries that were our enemies are actually part of NATO. Now, who do you talk about?
00:56:52.000 North Korea and Iran.
00:56:55.000 Maybe significant to an extent, but certainly nothing like the threat that the Soviet Union was.
00:56:59.000 So I think people, you're right, I think people for the most part are a lot more relaxed and feeling a lot more secure.
00:57:06.000 Everything is better now.
00:57:07.000 People are smarter now.
00:57:08.000 People are nicer now.
00:57:10.000 People are more aware and informed now.
00:57:12.000 They're more aware of their own mental and psychological problems.
00:57:14.000 We're fatter now.
00:57:16.000 Bigger asses now.
00:57:17.000 The question becomes, how much discomfort do you have to experience to be great?
00:57:24.000 Because I think greatness does come out, to a large extent, doesn't come out of comfort and luxury.
00:57:30.000 It doesn't seem like it does, but sometimes it can just come out of discipline.
00:57:33.000 And there is struggle in that discipline.
00:57:35.000 If you can be the type of person that really, you know, you don't have to be living a terrible life to write good stuff.
00:57:40.000 You know, you could be living a great life as long as you're disciplined and you really tune yourself into it as you write.
00:57:46.000 Yeah, you know, you were talking, I thought, I had a thought, you were talking about how, you know, genetics suck and pretty soon, you know, we're going to be able to kind of choose our genetics.
00:57:54.000 But the question becomes, you know, I think of myself...
00:57:56.000 It would happen.
00:57:57.000 Well, but the problem with that is that so much...
00:57:59.000 I'm worried that we'd lose our color because so much of what I do and what drives me...
00:58:03.000 You're worried that we're going to lose the white color?
00:58:05.000 No, no, no.
00:58:06.000 Color.
00:58:07.000 Like color.
00:58:07.000 Flavor.
00:58:08.000 Flavor.
00:58:08.000 Oh.
00:58:09.000 Spice.
00:58:09.000 Spice.
00:58:10.000 Nice recovery, bro.
00:58:12.000 No.
00:58:12.000 Not color, I mean like our flavor, our identity.
00:58:16.000 Because so much of what we do, so much of what I do, what drives me, is that I'm compensating for my inadequacies or my perceived inadequacies.
00:58:24.000 That's why I worked out, that's why I did martial arts, that's why I wrestled.
00:58:27.000 I felt like I was a little...
00:58:28.000 Sort of, but it's always from the childhood.
00:58:30.000 The place that a performer comes from, and me too, and everyone we know.
00:58:35.000 Everyone we know that's a comic, there's always...
00:58:36.000 But what I'm saying is in some ways, God bless a dysfunctional childhood.
00:58:41.000 Yeah and no, because you're one of a hundred that didn't.
00:58:46.000 There's a hundred like you that smashed on the rocks on the way up to the top of the cliff.
00:58:50.000 You managed to bite through vines with your teeth and get to the top, and you took a deep breath, and now you're okay.
00:58:56.000 But you didn't have to be okay, and neither did I. Anyone with a fucked up childhood, like the idea of encouraging a fucked up childhood to create an interesting child.
00:59:03.000 No, no, no.
00:59:03.000 Really?
00:59:04.000 I mean, that's really what you're saying.
00:59:05.000 But the trick of life isn't the trick of life.
00:59:07.000 Isn't the trick of life to turn that which is bad into something good?
00:59:11.000 Yes, it is the trick.
00:59:12.000 But some people fail at that trick.
00:59:14.000 And then we have criminals wandering through the streets that are dangerous and emotionally detached.
00:59:17.000 Human beings.
00:59:17.000 It's very easy to destroy a human being.
00:59:19.000 Yes.
00:59:19.000 It's not hard at all, man.
00:59:21.000 Just raise them terrible.
00:59:23.000 It's always like some feral child in Russia.
00:59:25.000 You hear about raised by dogs.
00:59:26.000 You're like, holy fuck.
00:59:28.000 Right.
00:59:28.000 You just stop and think about it.
00:59:30.000 What the fuck?
00:59:30.000 The kid's been eating dead birds and shit.
00:59:32.000 That's what's interesting about it.
00:59:34.000 Can you imagine getting raised by dogs by poodles or something like that?
00:59:37.000 That's the thing about what's so weird about contemplating disaster like the one in Japan.
00:59:42.000 Any disaster, anything has a ripple effect.
00:59:46.000 The crazy thing is that sometimes one person's loss is another person's opportunity.
00:59:52.000 It's just that dance that constantly goes back and forth.
00:59:55.000 And there's one side, something terrible happens, and it opens up a whole new world and opportunity for a whole other group of people.
01:00:02.000 Whether it's somebody opens a company that provides quake relief, and now he's employed 60 people who can feed their kids.
01:00:10.000 Whatever the case.
01:00:11.000 It's just this constant dance, man.
01:00:13.000 And whenever you try to pinpoint or treat life like it's a noun, you're in trouble.
01:00:19.000 And by the way, your relationships are a verb.
01:00:21.000 Everything is a verb.
01:00:22.000 Everything is always moving.
01:00:23.000 Everything is in flux.
01:00:24.000 Yeah, you are too.
01:00:26.000 Absolutely.
01:00:27.000 The whole thing is.
01:00:27.000 There's nothing static, but that's what everybody looks for.
01:00:30.000 That's the problem with the contract.
01:00:30.000 Everybody looks for those golden years.
01:00:33.000 They look for that moment where they can stop.
01:00:35.000 No, man.
01:00:36.000 I think if you keep growing and you keep surprising and shocking yourself and maybe even scaring yourself, which is hard to do.
01:00:44.000 You sound like an actress right now doing an interview for Esquire.
01:00:47.000 I was about to sing a song, dude.
01:00:48.000 We got in a way of my song.
01:00:49.000 You're going to sound like some new chick in the next Blockbuster movie that's going to annoy the fuck out of me.
01:00:53.000 I am beautiful.
01:00:55.000 The worst earthquake, you know, everyone's talking about what Gilbert Gottfried said.
01:00:58.000 No one said dumber shit than what Sharon Stone said after the Chinese earthquake.
01:01:03.000 Do you remember that?
01:01:04.000 She said, maybe, you know, I'm friends with the Dalai Lama.
01:01:08.000 You know, maybe this earthquake in China is karma because of the terrible things they've done for Tibet.
01:01:13.000 Wow, I remember that.
01:01:15.000 You think innocent people, thousands of them.
01:01:17.000 Thanks a lot, Sharon!
01:01:18.000 You're an actress!
01:01:19.000 Crushed by rocks.
01:01:22.000 And she's a name-dropping little twat.
01:01:24.000 I'm fans of the Dalai Lama.
01:01:25.000 Who asks you, Hooker?
01:01:27.000 I'm sure he thinks about you all the time.
01:01:28.000 I'm sure when he's doing his mantras, he's like, Sharon Stone, Sharon Stone.
01:01:32.000 You know, Sharon, you know the girl from Basic Instinct, etc.
01:01:36.000 No, excuse me, you mean the girl from Above the Law, the Steven Seagal debut movie.
01:01:40.000 All actors, including me.
01:01:42.000 Look, the fact that we worship actors is the funniest thing.
01:01:44.000 If an alien came down, they'd be like, wait a minute, you're worshiping these people who are basically good at being emotionally available and pretending?
01:01:51.000 Is that really something that...
01:01:53.000 It's a skill.
01:01:54.000 It tells a good story.
01:01:55.000 They're part of a story.
01:01:56.000 What's more impressive, that or golf?
01:01:57.000 Golf!
01:01:59.000 Golf takes a lifetime.
01:02:01.000 Yeah, but I like movies, and Tiger Woods probably can't act.
01:02:04.000 I love movies.
01:02:04.000 You can't fuck golf.
01:02:04.000 I love movies.
01:02:05.000 I don't know, man.
01:02:06.000 I love movies.
01:02:06.000 Because I think both are equally ridiculous.
01:02:08.000 You know, I've always said that it's one of the funniest things in the world, that people think that a guy's a hero because he hits a ball into a hole in the ground.
01:02:15.000 It seems so silly.
01:02:16.000 You know what I like about any competition, like golf or any game, is that it requires, when you want to win at that game, it requires you to basically do all that self-examination.
01:02:26.000 You've got to face up to all your obstacles.
01:02:29.000 You've got to deal with your performance anxiety.
01:02:30.000 You know how it is to try to get better.
01:02:32.000 You see fighters that choke.
01:02:33.000 That's the point of competition.
01:02:34.000 I probably would love golf.
01:02:35.000 That's why I'm terrified of it.
01:02:36.000 But I play pool.
01:02:39.000 Don't ever pick up a golf.
01:02:41.000 I'm not going to.
01:02:42.000 I know how you are.
01:02:44.000 I won't play chess either.
01:02:46.000 For those of you guys who don't know this about Joe Rogan, I've always said most of the public actually knows very little about Joe.
01:02:52.000 For example, he can draw really well.
01:02:55.000 He's a notch below pro pool player.
01:02:58.000 He is.
01:02:59.000 He knows more about pool and he's actually a really good draftsman.
01:03:03.000 You can draw really, really well.
01:03:05.000 That's what I wanted to do when I was in high school, before I got into martial arts.
01:03:10.000 I wanted to be a comic book artist.
01:03:12.000 You're a real martial artist.
01:03:14.000 You'd be a nightmare to fight.
01:03:16.000 You can draw really well.
01:03:20.000 I'm short, balding.
01:03:21.000 You're short, balding.
01:03:22.000 Stinky feet.
01:03:23.000 You hug like a donkey.
01:03:24.000 My asshole's never clean.
01:03:26.000 Are you not wearing pants, Joe?
01:03:27.000 I always have dirt underneath my fingernails.
01:03:28.000 Don't do it.
01:03:29.000 But wait, there was a point I was making and I'm too high to remember.
01:03:32.000 Damn it.
01:03:33.000 Pool, playing games.
01:03:34.000 Oh yeah, but the problem is that you're so intense that once you pick something up, it's like that game Quake when you played for 15 hours and then passed out as you were leaving your...
01:03:43.000 He drives me to the store and he's getting these handles and he's like 30. He's getting his handles and all these weird things.
01:03:50.000 And I was like, what are you doing?
01:03:51.000 What are these grips and stuff?
01:03:53.000 He goes, it's for Quake.
01:03:54.000 I'm playing somebody in Sweden tomorrow.
01:03:57.000 I will crush him.
01:03:58.000 I was like, whatever with a thousand yard stare, dude.
01:04:01.000 Have you played Kinect yet, Joe?
01:04:03.000 Dude, you have no idea how...
01:04:04.000 We've talked about this in the podcast way too many times.
01:04:06.000 But Quake is too fun.
01:04:08.000 Quake is even more involving than pool.
01:04:10.000 I won't allow myself Quake.
01:04:12.000 I've always been afraid of those games because I'm...
01:04:13.000 Yeah, they're too good now.
01:04:15.000 Like Gears of War, like we, Cliffy B put up, Epic Games put up the Unreal 3 engine, the new engine.
01:04:22.000 They put up a demo.
01:04:23.000 Fucking heck, man.
01:04:25.000 It just doesn't, it looks real.
01:04:26.000 It looks like a fucking movie, man.
01:04:28.000 It's so cool.
01:04:28.000 I do this joke now about how we're fighting wars now like that, you know, like with drones and stuff.
01:04:35.000 Guys, Nevada and Florida, think about that.
01:04:37.000 You're killing somebody 5,000 miles away, but it's a video game and you're actually taking life.
01:04:41.000 You wonder what that does to you psychologically when you come home and you're eating dinner.
01:04:45.000 But my joke was like in 20 years, the war hero is not going to be the grizzled guy with the shaved head and the scars.
01:04:50.000 He's going to be the chubby dude with huge thumb muscles who smells like Doritos and weed.
01:04:54.000 You know what I mean?
01:04:55.000 Well, that was that movie Starfighter, remember?
01:04:57.000 The movie where the kid had to get really good at a video game, and when he got good at it, they came down and took him to fight in the galaxy.
01:05:04.000 That's what it's going to be.
01:05:04.000 Yeah.
01:05:05.000 Well, these Pakistan drone things are fucking frightening because it's such a gray area, too.
01:05:09.000 It's like, we're not really in Pakistan, but we are in the sky above Pakistan.
01:05:13.000 Isn't that crazy?
01:05:13.000 But there's no one in the plane.
01:05:15.000 And you don't hear it.
01:05:16.000 You just hear it.
01:05:17.000 When I was in Afghanistan, I watched those things taking off all the time.
01:05:19.000 I was like, look at that thing.
01:05:21.000 It's not even manned.
01:05:23.000 It just takes off.
01:05:24.000 Dude, Hellfire missiles.
01:05:26.000 That's all you need to know.
01:05:28.000 What are you doing, bro?
01:05:29.000 See this?
01:05:29.000 Cliff E.B.'s Epic Games' Infinity Blade video game?
01:05:33.000 They go through, like, that Hellfire missile, I think, I believe, somebody told me.
01:05:37.000 They go through, like, a foot of steel or something.
01:05:39.000 Like a foot of steel.
01:05:41.000 The idea behind it is so crazy that you can just pilot something from halfway across the world in real time and trust it to just, you pull the trigger.
01:05:50.000 It's only the beginning.
01:05:51.000 How much of a delay is the lag?
01:05:53.000 There has to be some lag.
01:05:54.000 Well, I don't know.
01:05:56.000 You can actually watch it on the internet.
01:05:57.000 Because that's a big thing about playing online.
01:05:59.000 When you play online, it's all about your ping.
01:06:01.000 And if you have, like, one ping or two ping, like, you're in the server.
01:06:04.000 You're local to the server.
01:06:06.000 Does that matter anymore, though?
01:06:06.000 So, fuck yeah.
01:06:06.000 Isn't internet, like, so fast nowadays that it makes a big difference?
01:06:10.000 What do you mean by ping?
01:06:10.000 Ping is in milliseconds.
01:06:12.000 It absolutely matters.
01:06:13.000 A guy with a higher ping than you can still beat you, but you definitely have an advantage when you're local.
01:06:19.000 Say if we set up a server in my house and I set up a server and I'm here connected to the machine, but other people have to connect and get the information through the internet.
01:06:29.000 So their ping, say if they're down the block, at the lowest they're going to get is maybe a 10. This is back in the day.
01:06:34.000 I don't know if it's changed.
01:06:35.000 But you get like 10 ping if you're lucky.
01:06:38.000 But that's because you're here.
01:06:39.000 But if you're in Sweden or somewhere like that, no doubt about it, you're going to have a slight delay.
01:06:44.000 It might be 150 milliseconds.
01:06:45.000 It might be 200 milliseconds.
01:06:47.000 It won't be a full second.
01:06:48.000 That's unbearable.
01:06:49.000 You can't do that.
01:06:50.000 250 milliseconds is where it gets squirrely.
01:06:53.000 What's weird about that is the human reaction.
01:06:56.000 Can get to the point where you can barely measure it.
01:06:59.000 Like when they do sprinting, you know how with the Olympics?
01:07:02.000 You know why they shoot the gun?
01:07:03.000 They shoot a gun, but that's for effect.
01:07:06.000 They actually, if you're running 100 like Usain Bolt, and you're in a race, they shoot that sound off behind you.
01:07:15.000 Why?
01:07:16.000 Because it's got to reach all the guys at the same time.
01:07:19.000 Oh.
01:07:19.000 If you shoot it like this, the guy at the end is the last to hear about it.
01:07:22.000 And they're so fast off the blocks that the other guy's already going to win the race.
01:07:27.000 You didn't hear it in time.
01:07:28.000 So they found that when they shot back in the day, they'd be shooting it here.
01:07:32.000 The guy closest to the gun would always have this advantage.
01:07:36.000 And so now, and even when they send that sound off now behind these guys, the problem is the sound dissipates to hear.
01:07:44.000 So it starts, you know, you've got to have it originate somewhere.
01:07:48.000 How do you get it to all of them at the exact same second?
01:07:51.000 Because they're so fast off the blocks, you're actually giving the guy who hears it first an advantage and they win.
01:07:58.000 It's like the guy, and check this out.
01:08:00.000 You know the difference between fourth place and first place in the downhill ski event was?
01:08:05.000 In, you know, whatever it was.
01:08:08.000 It was two blinks of an eye.
01:08:09.000 Gank, gank.
01:08:10.000 Ready?
01:08:11.000 Gold.
01:08:14.000 Nothing.
01:08:14.000 Gold.
01:08:16.000 Nothing.
01:08:16.000 Whoa!
01:08:18.000 Nothing.
01:08:18.000 That's fucking nuts.
01:08:19.000 That's why swimmers trim their fingernails.
01:08:22.000 Jesus Christ.
01:08:23.000 I mean, don't trim their fingernails.
01:08:24.000 They try to keep their fingernails long.
01:08:26.000 Why?
01:08:26.000 To act as like little paddles?
01:08:27.000 No, so that you can touch because you're dealing with hundreds of a second.
01:08:31.000 What?
01:08:32.000 Yeah.
01:08:32.000 They grow pimp nails?
01:08:33.000 You try to...
01:08:34.000 It's all computerized.
01:08:36.000 The minute you touch that...
01:08:37.000 So if you were built like Husamar Palhares, you'd be a terrible swimmer because you wouldn't be able to have that big reach.
01:08:42.000 Those guys are albatrosses.
01:08:44.000 I don't think it's possible to compete in a lot of Olympic sports without doping and without doing drugs.
01:09:01.000 There's no way.
01:09:02.000 Why do you think all of them get caught?
01:09:04.000 All of them.
01:09:05.000 It's the biggest joke.
01:09:08.000 They're going after Lance Armstrong, bro.
01:09:10.000 I'm sure.
01:09:10.000 They're going after him, which is weird.
01:09:13.000 They get him on lying, which is a very strange thing.
01:09:16.000 If you're going to put people in jail for lying, how about most of the government?
01:09:20.000 You can't sustain a lie.
01:09:23.000 Nobody ever went to jail for taking steroids, but people have gone to jail for lying to the government.
01:09:27.000 Listen, if they take him, his money away, or if they say that you did some stuff that was against the rules and you should be fined and we can prove that, that's one thing.
01:09:36.000 But they're going after him to lock him up, man.
01:09:38.000 They're going after him to set an example and lock him up for something that everyone's doing.
01:09:43.000 Everyone is doing.
01:09:44.000 Especially in cycling.
01:09:45.000 But remember, he wouldn't be arrested for doing steroids.
01:09:48.000 They wouldn't lock him up for that.
01:09:49.000 They would lock him up for committing perjury.
01:09:51.000 Yeah.
01:09:51.000 Weird, right?
01:09:52.000 That's how they got Al Capone.
01:09:53.000 That's how they got him on tax evasion.
01:09:56.000 That's what the case against Barry Bonds is.
01:09:58.000 The case is you perjured yourself on the stand, right?
01:10:00.000 How weird is that?
01:10:01.000 You have to tell us the truth.
01:10:03.000 And if you don't, it's a crime.
01:10:04.000 Well, you don't know.
01:10:05.000 You know you have the right to take the fifth.
01:10:07.000 So you can say nothing, which is one of the great things about our system.
01:10:12.000 You can choose to not incriminate yourself.
01:10:16.000 I refuse to speak because I don't want to incriminate myself.
01:10:19.000 Right, but don't they lock people up when they do that?
01:10:21.000 You can be locked up if you are given, I believe, now I'm not a legal scholar, I mean, aren't they doing that all the time?
01:10:28.000 What I believe you can be locked up is if you have evidence and the government subpoenas that evidence and you refuse to speak, if you say, I'm not telling on my friend, you can go to jail for that.
01:10:39.000 They can put you in jail for that.
01:10:41.000 And they have.
01:10:42.000 They put a journalist in jail because she wouldn't divulge her sources.
01:10:45.000 And I believe that was in the Valerie Plain case.
01:10:47.000 Yeah, that's creepy shit.
01:10:49.000 She said, I'm not going to divulge who told me that this person was a CIA operative or whatever.
01:10:55.000 And she went to jail, and then Scooter Libby, I'm not sure if I'm getting all my facts right, but Scooter Libby, it turns out, was pardoned by the president later on, but convicted of divulging a U.S. agent's identity to a non-authorized person, which is a crime in this country.
01:11:16.000 It's so bizarre how many different people we have all over the world that are in military bases and, you know, that are government operatives of the United States.
01:11:25.000 We have them positioned all over the world to kind of keep an eye on everybody.
01:11:28.000 We always have, you know, and it comes from the Cold War and it's a dangerous place.
01:11:32.000 But the real issue becomes, the U.S.'s strength has always been not that its power comes from the barrel of a gun.
01:11:39.000 The U.S. has always been...
01:11:40.000 It's influence, innovation, but mostly it's a beacon of hope where you can come here and if you got the stuff and you got the metal, you might just be a millionaire.
01:11:49.000 That is something that resonates throughout the entire world and always has.
01:11:53.000 I wanted to ask you this because you've got some experience in the Middle East.
01:11:56.000 What do you think is happening with all these different places, with Saudi Arabia, with Saudi Arabia?
01:12:01.000 I think it's a beautiful thing, and it's a human thing, and I'll tell you what I think most of all.
01:12:06.000 I think that you heard a lot of analysts and professionals and people who follow this stuff and people who are so-called experts.
01:12:12.000 I used to always hear something, they used to always say this, democracy is not synonymous with Islam.
01:12:17.000 You'd hear that all the time.
01:12:19.000 And I think what this proves is that democracy, and let me define democracy.
01:12:24.000 The desire for representative government.
01:12:26.000 Let's just take that.
01:12:28.000 The life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
01:12:31.000 Just let me pursue whatever it is.
01:12:33.000 Those kinds of things.
01:12:34.000 Being able to speak my mind.
01:12:35.000 Being able to petition my government.
01:12:37.000 Being able to say something against my government.
01:12:39.000 Being able to do all the things I take for granted.
01:12:42.000 Those are human rights.
01:12:43.000 And they are not American rights.
01:12:46.000 They are human rights.
01:12:47.000 And this proves that you can say whatever you want about Islam, or anything else, or any other religion.
01:12:52.000 Human beings want a better life for their children.
01:12:55.000 Human beings would choose to have representative government over a dictatorship like Hosni Mubarak or a dictatorship like the royal family essentially is in Saudi Arabia.
01:13:05.000 Don't tell me any human being wants to live that way.
01:13:08.000 Of course.
01:13:09.000 And I find it very inspiring that one man in Tunisia lit himself on fire.
01:13:13.000 You want to talk about a ripple effect?
01:13:14.000 Lit himself on fire because they took away his license.
01:13:17.000 I believe he was selling fruit.
01:13:18.000 And he said, enough is enough.
01:13:19.000 He was so desperate.
01:13:21.000 And he said, I'm going to make an example.
01:13:23.000 This is my protest.
01:13:24.000 You want to take everything from me?
01:13:25.000 I'll light myself on fire.
01:13:27.000 I don't think that's a good move.
01:13:28.000 But that was a spark that said, we don't have to be afraid anymore.
01:13:33.000 Literally?
01:13:33.000 We don't have to cringe.
01:13:34.000 And saying that in these governments, like Egypt and both places where the military and secret police come in and do some pretty awful things to you, that takes real guts.
01:13:43.000 So I think this is an incredible time in the sense that the Middle East is changing.
01:13:48.000 It really is changing.
01:13:50.000 And it really is the internet nation, right?
01:13:52.000 Of course it is.
01:13:53.000 You can't keep information away from people.
01:13:55.000 You can fool the people sometimes.
01:13:56.000 You can fool all the people sometimes.
01:13:58.000 You can fool some of the people all the time.
01:14:00.000 You can't fool all the people all the time.
01:14:02.000 Except North Korea, maybe.
01:14:03.000 And who said that?
01:14:03.000 I believe that was Abe Lincoln, right?
01:14:05.000 Did he say that?
01:14:05.000 Yeah.
01:14:05.000 Who knows what the fuck Abe really said.
01:14:07.000 You know how Abe Lincoln was a racist?
01:14:10.000 He was trying to encourage black people to move to South America because they wouldn't get along with white people.
01:14:13.000 It's actually more complicated than that, but I think he was also a guy who says...
01:14:16.000 It's more complicated than that.
01:14:18.000 Of course he is.
01:14:18.000 He slept with dudes, too.
01:14:20.000 What?
01:14:20.000 He slept with dudes.
01:14:21.000 They slept in bed together.
01:14:22.000 Stay warm.
01:14:23.000 No big deal.
01:14:24.000 You've got to do what you've got to do, man.
01:14:25.000 You live in a fucking prairie.
01:14:27.000 If a wrestling match breaks out, somebody's cock flies out of a Speedo, then you're going to call me gay?
01:14:30.000 Wasn't Abe Lincoln a wrestler?
01:14:32.000 He was very strong.
01:14:33.000 He was about 6'4", and he was very, very strong.
01:14:35.000 They said he used to be able to hold an axe, like one of those big wood chopping axes, out for longer than anybody else with his arms straight like that.
01:14:41.000 He was a real wiry, strong dude.
01:14:43.000 A somber guy.
01:14:44.000 Hold an axe straight with his arm.
01:14:45.000 What a weird competition that is.
01:14:46.000 Well, back in the day, they did all those weird things, right?
01:14:50.000 Like, you know.
01:14:51.000 Let's see, hold the hindquarters of a mule up above your head, you know.
01:14:54.000 Yeah, there had to be a first guy back then to try to wrestle a bear, too.
01:14:57.000 I always think about that stuff.
01:14:58.000 Who rode a bull?
01:15:00.000 Who said, hey, you know what?
01:15:01.000 Throw a testicle cinch on that bull.
01:15:02.000 I'm going to get up on him and see how long I can stay.
01:15:04.000 What country does that originate in?
01:15:05.000 Is that an American tradition?
01:15:06.000 I believe that.
01:15:07.000 Well, it probably started in Spain.
01:15:09.000 They were like, not going to ride it.
01:15:10.000 I'm just going to kill it with a sword.
01:15:11.000 Right.
01:15:12.000 It's pretty badass.
01:15:13.000 Yeah.
01:15:13.000 You know what bothers me about that, though, man?
01:15:15.000 There's a bunch of other dudes helping out.
01:15:16.000 Well, because the Madeira Bull, I think it's called the Madeira Bull.
01:15:20.000 Hemingway wrote a book called Death in the Afternoon, and he brings you through what a fighting bull's about.
01:15:27.000 You're not allowed in Spain, and some of you guys are listening to this, just check this out.
01:15:32.000 You're not allowed in Spain to approach a fighting bull on foot.
01:15:35.000 You must approach it on a bicycle, motorcycle, or car.
01:15:39.000 You know why?
01:15:40.000 Why?
01:15:40.000 Because bulls figure out the way you move.
01:15:42.000 And if they watch you walking around all the time and running around, when you put them in the ring with the matador, that matador doesn't have a chance because they figured you out.
01:15:52.000 The first time a bull ever sees a human being on two feet by law in Spain is when he's put out there in front of that matador.
01:16:00.000 And by the way, by the way.
01:16:01.000 They gotta rub his eyes with pepper to keep him a little bit blind.
01:16:07.000 The Picadillos come in there and stab him in the back so he can't lift his head.
01:16:11.000 So he's got these spears and it's pretty brutal.
01:16:13.000 They gotta disable that bull before a human being has any shot.
01:16:18.000 Any shot at fighting it.
01:16:19.000 Any shot.
01:16:20.000 And they still die.
01:16:21.000 They still die.
01:16:22.000 When they say when you're a matador in Spain, that's where you are.
01:16:25.000 Forget girls, forget music, forget everything else.
01:16:27.000 Your life is about the bull.
01:16:29.000 Fuck!
01:16:30.000 Is there a lot of money in being a matador?
01:16:32.000 There's huge glory and money, and you're a national hero if you're good.
01:16:37.000 And by the way, it's probably like the UFC. You start with guys who are fighting with blunt horns all the way up to the big show.
01:16:45.000 But you know when they used to pit bulls with bears?
01:16:49.000 Yes, you used to always win.
01:16:51.000 Oh, I would say the bull.
01:16:52.000 Yeah, I would say every time.
01:16:54.000 They're so strong, man.
01:16:56.000 You ever touched one?
01:16:57.000 You ever been on one or anything?
01:16:58.000 Have you ridden a bull?
01:16:59.000 No, but I've touched them.
01:17:00.000 I've been to Saddle Ranch.
01:17:03.000 Same thing, sort of.
01:17:05.000 Totally the same thing.
01:17:06.000 When we were doing Fear Factory, we made people ride bulls one day.
01:17:09.000 It was the scariest it's ever been.
01:17:10.000 Any day of filming, this is one day where I felt like we crossed the line.
01:17:14.000 I was like, what are you doing?
01:17:15.000 Bulls are dangerous.
01:17:16.000 Yeah.
01:17:16.000 They're bulls.
01:17:18.000 This was their argument.
01:17:20.000 These are training bulls.
01:17:20.000 They're not as aggressive.
01:17:22.000 I'm like, does that bull know he's a fucking training bull?
01:17:23.000 I didn't know you were a bull mind reader.
01:17:25.000 Where's the bull whisperer?
01:17:27.000 Is he around?
01:17:28.000 I love when people think they know what an animal is.
01:17:30.000 I love when they're like, nah, he's drained.
01:17:31.000 This tiger won't bite you.
01:17:32.000 Well, you were talking about it to me in the kitchen.
01:17:35.000 We were talking about that trained bear that tore the...
01:17:38.000 I think it was his trainer's brother or cousin or something.
01:17:40.000 It was his cousin.
01:17:40.000 And it killed him in a couple of seconds.
01:17:42.000 Yeah, it was horrible.
01:17:43.000 Which is so weird because that's a 1,500-pound bear.
01:17:46.000 Grabbed ahold of him and shook him.
01:17:47.000 For no reason.
01:17:48.000 And it shook him lazy in a lazy way.
01:17:50.000 And the poor guy...
01:17:50.000 I thought it was pretty aggressive.
01:17:52.000 Yeah, I mean, obviously.
01:17:53.000 The guy must have...
01:17:54.000 It's so scary.
01:17:54.000 I don't know what it represented to the bear, but it represented some sort of a threat.
01:17:58.000 Well, apparently, though, he was doing what he was supposed to do, and I guess the guy didn't have his arms up or something, and the bear ended up grabbing onto his neck, and his instinct took over, and he said, oh, I'm going to shake you to death, which is terrible.
01:18:08.000 You're supposed to have your arms up?
01:18:09.000 I don't know.
01:18:10.000 The bear's got a stick-em-up pose?
01:18:12.000 My bear wrestling, I'm a white belt still.
01:18:15.000 So what do you think the fuck is going on with all these mass deaths?
01:18:18.000 There's a million fish die in the Redondo Beach Harbor, all these animals that have died, birds that have fallen from the sky.
01:18:26.000 I think it's Banksy.
01:18:27.000 I don't know, but I would imagine we have a very polluted environment and probably is a combination of all those chemicals in the environment.
01:18:35.000 And chemicals are being made.
01:18:37.000 We're very good at coming up with synthetic material and synthetic chemicals.
01:18:41.000 And what we're probably not as good at, and what the FDA could never do, is figure out how all these chemicals, when put together, interact, or what they do to mitoplasma, and I like to use some big words, but what they do to our bodies.
01:18:58.000 When we drink them, when we're around them all the time, look at your house.
01:19:01.000 All these new products that come out that have huge advertising campaigns, they're probably very safe on their own.
01:19:07.000 What happens when you mix six of them in the perfect combination?
01:19:11.000 What is that doing to your genetics?
01:19:13.000 What's Wi-Fi doing to you?
01:19:15.000 Who knows what the fuck that's doing to you?
01:19:17.000 We know that sonar gets in the way of whales migratory patterns.
01:19:24.000 So, it's always this constant dance of how...
01:19:26.000 You know, in China now, what they're doing, I think it's really interesting, is a lot of the architects, when they plan these cities, they're building gardens on the roofs so you can plant food and grow your own food on the roof of your building.
01:19:38.000 You know, China's self-sustainable.
01:19:40.000 There's a billion people there.
01:19:41.000 They don't import food.
01:19:42.000 They make their own food.
01:19:43.000 That's right.
01:19:44.000 Which is, again, a very recent development for China.
01:19:47.000 It's pretty amazing to do that with a billion people.
01:19:49.000 But when you do that, you've got to eat bugs.
01:19:51.000 Well, we're getting better and better at figuring out ways to grow plants, for example, that don't need pesticides, that are much higher in protein and different nutrients.
01:20:01.000 Sure, but then you're getting weird because things are genetically modified.
01:20:05.000 There's a dark side.
01:20:07.000 Monsanto is scary as fuck.
01:20:09.000 It's a thing when you say it's fine if you want to cross-pollinate two wheat strains, but when you take the gene from a jellyfish, put it in a strawberry so that my strawberry doesn't freeze when I'm shipping it across the country...
01:20:21.000 That's a little weird, man.
01:20:22.000 Or when all of a sudden my oranges are square because it's easier to pack them.
01:20:28.000 Well, have you seen all the WikiLeaks documents leading to genetically modified foods?
01:20:32.000 They're trying to push it all across the world.
01:20:33.000 They're trying to push it in the countries, and they're imposing sanctions on countries.
01:20:37.000 Well, what they do also, if you plant one field over here that's genetically modified… Cross-pollinants.
01:20:43.000 It flies in the air.
01:20:44.000 Yeah, and then they sue those people and those people have to either close up their farm or it becomes a fucking disaster.
01:20:50.000 I think, I think, you know, I'm a capitalist and all that, but I think that we are paying, we have to be very careful with how everything is becoming these conglomerates and how things are becoming so corporate.
01:21:00.000 Look at radio.
01:21:01.000 Every time I travel this country, you and I both travel this country, everything is so homogenous.
01:21:05.000 We've paid a price.
01:21:07.000 People want efficiency, but why in the world, when I go to most cities, can I only eat at a corporate chain?
01:21:15.000 How about radio?
01:21:16.000 I'm surrounded by, I was going to say, Clear Channel.
01:21:18.000 I'm surrounded by beige walls, whether it's Kmart.
01:21:23.000 There's no continuum.
01:21:24.000 There's no history.
01:21:25.000 Nobody feels connected to anything.
01:21:28.000 Everybody's trying to sell me something I don't need.
01:21:30.000 And it robs every city of its character.
01:21:33.000 It's like the death of the American city.
01:21:35.000 What happened to Main Street with the mom and pop shops?
01:21:37.000 I want that.
01:21:38.000 Go to Ohio, it's still there.
01:21:40.000 But these cities used to all have it.
01:21:43.000 You have to go to small places to get that.
01:21:45.000 When you're dealing with a large volume of people, small places like that become impractical.
01:21:49.000 It's an offshoot of globalism.
01:21:51.000 And the price we had to pay will probably swing back.
01:21:54.000 But we pay a price for efficiency and speed.
01:21:57.000 What do you think about all these people that believe that, you know, and if you read almost every ancient religion has some story of a great apocalypse or a great catastrophe and almost every religion has some story about a previous existing society that was advanced and that was almost wiped off to face the earth.
01:22:13.000 You know, when you hear shit about all these animals dying and fish dying, this sounds like religious scripture.
01:22:20.000 How fucking crazy would it be if we all really have been all through this before?
01:22:25.000 If human beings have literally gotten to the point of where we are now, like this sophisticated...
01:22:31.000 If we died off today, how much of this shit would be around in 10,000 years or so?
01:22:37.000 How much would we be able to find and recognize anything that isn't steel?
01:22:41.000 I think it's a great...
01:22:43.000 I think it's a great question.
01:22:44.000 I do think that the answer may lie somewhere in the area if I were to answer that question.
01:22:49.000 One, I don't know.
01:22:50.000 But I think that human beings are still faced with the same problems as human beings.
01:22:59.000 So whether or not...
01:22:59.000 I was living 3,000 years ago.
01:23:02.000 The big questions...
01:23:04.000 That one has to answer the question of, what am I doing here?
01:23:08.000 Who am I really?
01:23:09.000 What am I supposed to do?
01:23:11.000 What does this all mean?
01:23:12.000 Those are questions you can never run from.
01:23:14.000 And so, within that context, I think we'd still be trying to answer those questions.
01:23:19.000 We'd still be trying to go beyond our biology.
01:23:21.000 We'd still be trying to get more pleasure out of it than pain.
01:23:23.000 We'd still be trying to figure out how to keep our children alive with better food, better health care.
01:23:29.000 But we'd be competing with resources and we'd still have wars.
01:23:32.000 So I think in a way it makes sense that we'd keep repeating ourselves.
01:23:35.000 This is the human experience.
01:23:36.000 But what I'm saying is, do you think that it's ever gotten to this point before?
01:23:39.000 I don't know.
01:23:39.000 When you look at some of the structures that exist that are unexplained, that are many, many thousands of years old, especially with the pyramids.
01:23:46.000 Yeah.
01:23:46.000 You go, I mean, you know, unexplained in the fact that they're not exactly sure how they put that all together.
01:23:51.000 There's a lot of theories, and there's also old dynasty and new dynasty, and there's old kingdom and new kingdom.
01:23:56.000 There's a lot of structures that they believe are far, far older than the traditionally thought, like the Pyramid of Giza or the Great Pyramid of any...
01:24:06.000 You know, human beings from animals, as far as I know, is that we have imagination and that we seem to be always moving toward the limits of our imagination.
01:24:14.000 Right, but what freaks me out is there's a bunch of shit that they can't figure out how it all got done.
01:24:19.000 And one of them is dogs.
01:24:22.000 You know, dogs are a great mystery.
01:24:24.000 You know, when you look into the DNA of dogs, it turns out that all of them descend from wolves.
01:24:30.000 They thought it was going to be a bunch of different wild canids and, you know, different...
01:24:34.000 And they're all from fucking wolves.
01:24:35.000 Essentially domesticated wolves.
01:24:37.000 And we don't know how the fuck that was done thousands and thousands of years ago.
01:24:42.000 We do know that people have always bred their animals, whether they're horses or whatever, even farm animals to eat.
01:24:47.000 But it's so long ago, it goes back so far, that it literally predates society.
01:24:52.000 And that's why it's squirrely.
01:24:54.000 Because you're talking about 10,000, 15,000, maybe even deeper and deeper into the history of breeding dogs.
01:25:01.000 Yeah, and I think the answer maybe also is the fact that this world is much older than our experience.
01:25:06.000 We are probably much older.
01:25:08.000 Human beings are probably much older.
01:25:09.000 Recorded history is one thing, but real human history is another.
01:25:11.000 And you also wonder, evolution, I always think about that.
01:25:14.000 What's interesting to me is, if indeed there's a lot of science, well, we evolved from apes, chimps, or whatever it might be, people say, well, we kind of seem to have stopped evolving physically then, if that's the case, didn't we?
01:25:28.000 No, we moved in a different direction.
01:25:30.000 Look, the doubling of the human brain size is the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record, and that's what changed us from this beetle-eating fucking freak monkey to human beings.
01:25:41.000 And whatever the fuck caused it, who knows?
01:25:42.000 Why is that?
01:25:42.000 I wonder why.
01:25:43.000 McKenna believes it was mushrooms.
01:25:45.000 Some people believe it was the throwing arm.
01:25:47.000 Some people believe it was fish that we started eating.
01:25:49.000 But that doesn't make sense to me because bears are stupid as fuck and they eat a lot of fish.
01:25:52.000 But it goes beyond that.
01:25:53.000 I'm saying why chimps have always been chimps.
01:25:56.000 Human beings have continued to evolve just at least an hour in time in that we do really amazing things.
01:26:05.000 You know, I joke around about people being from monkeys and chimps, but the real lineage is there's a bunch of different primates that evolved next to each other.
01:26:12.000 For some reason, we evolved in a far more sophisticated way than all the rest of them.
01:26:17.000 In the sense that we're always trying to go beyond that which we can measure, and we're always contemplating how would you ever measure, for example, the fact that a great...
01:26:28.000 I don't know, Mozart or Bach Sonata makes some people feel profoundly sad and overjoyed at the same time.
01:26:34.000 Why do we even have that stuff?
01:26:36.000 Yeah, it sounds good to our ears, but think about the genius of great jazz like Louis Armstrong.
01:26:40.000 I hate jazz.
01:26:41.000 You don't like jazz?
01:26:43.000 I'm just saying.
01:26:44.000 I'm using it as an art form.
01:26:46.000 It's okay.
01:26:46.000 Why in the world would we come up with these brass horns and planes?
01:26:50.000 Sure, yeah.
01:26:50.000 All those things that are sort of what we stay alive for.
01:26:53.000 It's interesting.
01:26:54.000 It's like, what are we supposed to be doing with that?
01:26:56.000 What are we supposed to be doing with the fact that most religions, all religions talk about, well, love each other.
01:27:01.000 That's the most important thing.
01:27:02.000 Love each other.
01:27:02.000 And then, by the way, what do you do with that relationship?
01:27:06.000 Well, you try to make the world better.
01:27:07.000 What do you do when you come together as social animals?
01:27:11.000 Why?
01:27:12.000 And what is the point of that?
01:27:14.000 That's the big question that we're always dealing with.
01:27:16.000 It seems that there's no point.
01:27:17.000 It seems that the point is to enjoy it and to be nice to people.
01:27:21.000 That seems to be the point.
01:27:22.000 The idea, if you're temporary, you're a temporary being, and all your descendants are temporary beings, we just keep evolving in a tide of ever-changing temporary beings, then the only point is just to be nice.
01:27:32.000 But then why?
01:27:33.000 But then we just be, then I guess...
01:27:35.000 Be nice, have fun, ride it out, let's see what's next.
01:27:38.000 Create a group of people that were affected by you in a positive way.
01:27:41.000 Do you think there's anything to be said, though, about going beyond that in the sense that are we supposed to evolve and continue to understand more and more until we become one with something?
01:27:49.000 Our lives are so short.
01:27:51.000 It's the same thing we talked about before.
01:27:53.000 But the human experience, what I'm saying is we keep jumping on each other's shoulders, right?
01:27:56.000 Yeah, sure.
01:27:57.000 So even Newton said that.
01:27:59.000 He said, I stood on the shoulder of giants.
01:28:01.000 You guys all talk about me being, I invented calculus.
01:28:04.000 Not bad, Isaac.
01:28:05.000 Who said, by the way, his biggest accomplishment was lifelong celibacy, not calculus.
01:28:10.000 He was like, my biggest accomplishment wasn't that I invented the concept of gravity and spatial relationships.
01:28:14.000 It's that I was celibate my whole life.
01:28:17.000 Wow, he's retarded.
01:28:17.000 That's pretty cool.
01:28:18.000 Yeah, I was like, really?
01:28:19.000 Yeah, if one chick sucked his dick, it would have ruined everything.
01:28:22.000 Right, right.
01:28:23.000 You have to be someone like that.
01:28:24.000 The father of modern physics, you know, modern science.
01:28:28.000 That's why I hate math so much.
01:28:29.000 We all stand on each other's shoulders.
01:28:30.000 It seems that we are evolving in our understanding of more and more of how even animals think.
01:28:37.000 Of course.
01:28:38.000 Yeah, we're certainly evolving.
01:28:39.000 So there must be a point to this evolution, I hope.
01:28:41.000 Well, I always have said that I think that we're probably becoming something through technology and that human beings are probably just like a caterpillar that becomes a butterfly but just doesn't know what it's doing while it's doing it.
01:28:50.000 All our natural instincts towards materialism and greed and selfishness and, you know, all these monkey instincts that we have left over, perhaps working in a natural order to move us towards this ultimate goal of some sort of technological invention.
01:29:04.000 Yeah, I mean, that's what Kurzweil believes.
01:29:06.000 He believes that, you know, it's going to be some sort of an artificial technology, an artificial intelligence that we can download our consciousness into, and that you will exist forever in perpetrude in this, you know, artificial environment.
01:29:17.000 Yeah, there you go.
01:29:19.000 That's a classic.
01:29:20.000 What does that mean?
01:29:20.000 I mean, it's the matrix.
01:29:21.000 I mean, you're talking craziness.
01:29:22.000 Not only that, you're talking about if you can duplicate your consciousness, you can duplicate it in an infinite amount of times.
01:29:26.000 And it will exist not here in this physical space, but it will exist in some sort of cyber world where you will constantly be in like a replaying life in an infinite number of them.
01:29:38.000 And not only that, we will ultimately and truly be connected.
01:29:41.000 And our experience will be everybody else's experience simultaneously.
01:29:44.000 We are now.
01:29:44.000 It's in a weird way.
01:29:46.000 And I think the reason why it's set up in a weird way is to encourage competition.
01:29:49.000 You know, the thing that bugs people the most, the thing that is losing, you know, the thing that is losing anything, losing a person, losing, you know, losing your job, losing, losing, losing in a fight, losing in a game.
01:30:00.000 It's frustrating for us.
01:30:02.000 We're designed for competition.
01:30:04.000 Some people so much so that you beat them at pool and they get mad at you.
01:30:07.000 You know, have you ever been around that guy?
01:30:08.000 You know, you beat him at pool?
01:30:10.000 Yes, I have.
01:30:10.000 I like to ask the next question, though.
01:30:13.000 Defining that really, actually, I think, in some ways, isn't just losing your power.
01:30:16.000 In a way, losing is to be left alone.
01:30:19.000 In a way, the loser is to be the one.
01:30:21.000 You're not special.
01:30:22.000 It's another form of losing.
01:30:22.000 And people leave you.
01:30:23.000 They leave you.
01:30:24.000 And so I think that's ultimately why people hate losing so much.
01:30:27.000 It's that memory of feeling alone.
01:30:28.000 It's that, but there's also a strong desire for competition amongst most people.
01:30:33.000 How many comics do you know that when they see someone else get something big, they actually get upset that it's not happening to them?
01:30:40.000 You're the only successful comic I've ever heard comics not talk bad about.
01:30:45.000 That's ridiculous.
01:30:46.000 People have talked bad about me.
01:30:47.000 Lots of people have.
01:30:48.000 Not really.
01:30:49.000 Not comics.
01:30:50.000 Go talk to Marc Maron.
01:30:51.000 No, no, no.
01:30:51.000 You don't hear comics say bad things about you.
01:30:54.000 The point I'm making is that You're right.
01:30:57.000 For the most part, I'm saying that you're right.
01:30:59.000 When somebody actually does well, if it's a comic, they get blasted by a lot of people.
01:31:06.000 Sometimes deserved, sometimes deserved.
01:31:08.000 Especially when you're young and scrappy and you're all coming up in the same order.
01:31:12.000 You're all 22, 23. And one of these 22-year-old guys gets some radio show where he's the morning DJ guy.
01:31:19.000 Like, oh, fuck!
01:31:20.000 He's a morning DJ guy at KTLA now or whatever.
01:31:23.000 You know what I mean?
01:31:23.000 And then all of a sudden, dudes feel like that could have been them.
01:31:27.000 What they have to understand also, by the way, is that this is not a linear process.
01:31:32.000 This world is made of a whole bunch of non-linear luck and mathematics and Well, you say that because you're a very experienced guy and you've gone through so many things and so many different projects.
01:31:43.000 I mean, you've gone through the tour de force of television.
01:31:46.000 You did a sketch show in MADtv.
01:31:48.000 You've done family shows on those Warner Brothers networks, right?
01:31:52.000 Yeah, I've done everything.
01:31:53.000 It's been pretty cool, yeah.
01:31:53.000 You've done fucking everything.
01:31:54.000 You did Sex and the City.
01:31:56.000 You've done so many different things.
01:32:00.000 You've...
01:32:00.000 I really had a broad view of the whole entertainment scene that a lot of people just don't get.
01:32:07.000 They don't get that full thing.
01:32:09.000 So when you're young, especially, all you know is, I want to fucking make it.
01:32:13.000 I've got to make it.
01:32:14.000 I've got to pay my bills.
01:32:15.000 You're fucking freaking out.
01:32:16.000 Shit, he got it?
01:32:17.000 Fuck, why didn't he get it?
01:32:18.000 I remember that, by the way.
01:32:19.000 I remember being terrified I wasn't going to make it.
01:32:21.000 I remember thinking, that's not an option for me.
01:32:23.000 Yeah.
01:32:23.000 Like, it wasn't an option not to be working.
01:32:25.000 Well, all of us.
01:32:26.000 I think anybody who actually became a comic, you had to deal with the fact that, man, if I put my eggs in this basket, this shit might turn out terrible.
01:32:32.000 Right.
01:32:33.000 I might just live in rotten eggs and nothing.
01:32:35.000 It's terrifying.
01:32:37.000 It's terrifying.
01:32:37.000 It's completely terrifying.
01:32:38.000 But my point is that, like, you know, like, in show business, like, the whole idea of, like, pursuing it and, like, going after it, it is absolutely, of course, uncertain.
01:32:47.000 Like, it has to be uncertain.
01:32:49.000 It's uncertain because that's the only way we're, like, real creative...
01:32:52.000 It's where adventure and creativity comes from.
01:32:54.000 It blossoms out of that uncertainty.
01:32:56.000 If you knew it was going to happen and you had it all plotted out, it would be boring as fuck when you got that.
01:33:00.000 It's boring for you and it's boring for them.
01:33:01.000 You'd have to do drugs.
01:33:02.000 You'd have to start doing coke.
01:33:03.000 I think that's why people, when they take a gig for the money, for example, they go, well, you're going to give me $7 million to do a talk show, a game show.
01:33:13.000 You pay a price for that, man.
01:33:15.000 You've got to keep the uncertainty.
01:33:16.000 Dude, I paid a price for Fear Factor, for sure.
01:33:19.000 I loved doing that show, and it was a lot of fun, and I loved making all that money, and I'm happy I did it.
01:33:23.000 But man, there was a lot of days that I didn't want to do that, and I thought, this is hokey, or this is silly, or this is like, God, this is like, it became a job.
01:33:31.000 Which is nothing wrong with that.
01:33:32.000 It's a respectable way to make a living.
01:33:33.000 That's why I always say, don't make fun of whores.
01:33:34.000 We're all whores in some ways.
01:33:36.000 We've all whored before, is what I'm saying.
01:33:38.000 Sure.
01:33:38.000 But my whole point about the whole competition thing, I think that it's all set up that way on purpose.
01:33:45.000 And that showbiz competition, and stand-up comedy competition, even martial arts competition.
01:33:50.000 These guys, when they start trash-talking each other on the internet, you know how I look at it when I look at two fighters who are about to trash-talk each other?
01:33:55.000 I look at it like birds that are squawking at each other.
01:33:58.000 Like one bird is on the fence.
01:34:00.000 And then the other bird, like, fucking flops its wings and gets close to it.
01:34:04.000 It's like this natural thing that they're doing.
01:34:06.000 Like, they have to do this in order to motivate them to be great.
01:34:10.000 In order to push them all to the next level.
01:34:12.000 You have to feel the jealousy.
01:34:14.000 Well, wasn't it Floyd Patterson who said, you know, I always wondered who Ali was talking to.
01:34:16.000 And he said, I'm the greatest.
01:34:18.000 And then I realized one day he was talking to himself.
01:34:20.000 Oh, yeah.
01:34:20.000 He said to me, you know, I'm scared to death every time I step in that ring.
01:34:24.000 But I get myself worked up.
01:34:26.000 And by the time I'm in there, I believe what I'm saying to myself.
01:34:28.000 It's the saddest thing in the world that Muhammad Ali is the way he is now.
01:34:31.000 It's the greatest.
01:34:32.000 And that, you know, it's Parkinson's.
01:34:34.000 And he has trauma-related Parkinson's.
01:34:36.000 What's amazing also is that he doesn't hide it from the world.
01:34:38.000 The guy holds the torch at the Olympics.
01:34:39.000 He just gets up in front of everybody.
01:34:40.000 Here's me, you know?
01:34:41.000 It's weird listening to Mike Tyson talk these days.
01:34:44.000 Have you heard Mike Tyson talk?
01:34:45.000 I haven't noticed that.
01:34:46.000 He's got a reality show now.
01:34:47.000 Yeah, I haven't noticed that.
01:34:48.000 He got interviewed.
01:34:49.000 What's his reality show on?
01:34:50.000 On Pigeons.
01:34:51.000 But he got interviewed at this, there was a Showtime boxing match recently.
01:34:56.000 No, yeah, the pay-per-view match between Miguel Cotto and Cotto Mayorga, and it was a good fight.
01:35:02.000 And they interviewed Tyson.
01:35:03.000 Cotto did.
01:35:04.000 He stopped him in the last round.
01:35:05.000 Wow.
01:35:06.000 And they talked to Tyson about it.
01:35:08.000 And Tyson, like, you know, it was like he was laboring to talk.
01:35:12.000 You know, and I was listening to him.
01:35:13.000 I was like, wow, maybe he's just tired.
01:35:15.000 Might have been high.
01:35:15.000 Yeah, he might have been high as fuck.
01:35:16.000 That's true.
01:35:17.000 Because if they catch me, I might look like a brain damage.
01:35:20.000 Especially if I'm at a fight, you know, and I don't have to do commentary.
01:35:23.000 God, I love going to fights when I don't have to do commentary.
01:35:26.000 Because these guys, whenever we go to the UFC, Brian and Ari and Joey, these guys take pot cookies and get bad.
01:35:33.000 Blitzkrieg!
01:35:34.000 Last time I did acid.
01:35:36.000 So they're sitting up in the stands having the fucking time of their life.
01:35:39.000 Joey Diaz does the commentary, right?
01:35:42.000 Joey Diaz is like in the middle of fights.
01:35:43.000 He'll start just rants and raves about this happening and that happening.
01:35:47.000 Don't get your pineapples, BJ Penn!
01:35:49.000 Especially if somebody gets knocked out or somebody gets submitted.
01:35:51.000 What the fuck did I tell you, dog?
01:35:53.000 He'll get up and go...
01:35:54.000 But I don't get to see that anymore.
01:35:56.000 I do, you know, from the commentary point.
01:35:57.000 When did you...
01:35:58.000 You know, when did you...
01:36:00.000 Really, truly feel comfortable calling a fight in the UFC. When did it really start to gel?
01:36:05.000 Because it just comes out of you now.
01:36:07.000 You know, the first couple times I was self-conscious about it.
01:36:09.000 You know, it's weird.
01:36:10.000 You're trying to do a good job, but you don't want to be.
01:36:13.000 There's a lot of ego involved in commentary that's very unpleasant.
01:36:17.000 Like, you hear people talking too much about themselves.
01:36:19.000 Yeah.
01:36:19.000 Yeah, you take yourself completely out of it.
01:36:21.000 What they would do...
01:36:22.000 Well, I have to, first of all.
01:36:23.000 I'm completely illegitimate.
01:36:24.000 I mean, I'm a brown belt in jiu-jitsu, and I fought in some taekwondo and some kickboxing, but I've never fought any MMA fights at all.
01:36:31.000 So what am I going to say?
01:36:33.000 I could do better than this.
01:36:34.000 You know, I mean, it's silly.
01:36:35.000 I'm completely objective about it, but it took a while for me to be comfortable with, like, how I should...
01:36:43.000 You know, what I should talk about and what I shouldn't talk about and when to talk and when not to talk and, you know, how to, like...
01:36:49.000 Be as respectful as possible, but yet be as objective and analytical as possible about what's happening.
01:36:57.000 You have to walk a fine line between critiquing fighters and criticizing them or obsessing patterns that you see in movement and critiquing behavior and training regiments and shit like that.
01:37:09.000 So it's tricky.
01:37:11.000 It's tricky, but I always do it from a place of respect, and I always do it from a place of as objective as I'm capable.
01:37:18.000 Yeah, you're very good at doing that.
01:37:19.000 It's fun to do.
01:37:20.000 I think Goldie is a poet.
01:37:22.000 That dude is just amazing.
01:37:24.000 Well, what a lot of people don't know is they'll say, Goldie, fill.
01:37:26.000 You've got to fill here.
01:37:27.000 You've got to fill here.
01:37:28.000 They say that through our headsets.
01:37:29.000 Wow.
01:37:30.000 So Goldie will start just going off about this fucking arena that we're in that was built in 18-fucking-12, and he's like, It's like he wrote those lines out and they're just perfect.
01:37:48.000 Sometimes he doesn't say the correct thing when it comes to technique or something like that, but that's okay because I can correct him and he's just trying to get things going.
01:37:57.000 Some people just have...
01:37:58.000 You know who he's...
01:37:59.000 By the way, I don't know if you've ever seen...
01:38:00.000 You know who's the best improviser I've ever seen in my life?
01:38:03.000 And a guy who can take a topic and do 30 minutes of stand-up on it and do whatever he is?
01:38:07.000 Adam Carolla.
01:38:08.000 Oh, yeah.
01:38:09.000 Adam Carolla can ramble, bro.
01:38:11.000 That's why he's so good as a podcast host.
01:38:13.000 That guy, you give him a subject.
01:38:15.000 Here's the thing, okay?
01:38:18.000 I'm all for you having your coffee.
01:38:21.000 And he'll just have some fucking...
01:38:23.000 He just goes off.
01:38:23.000 20-minute rant about what's wrong with, like, you know, he did something about twist ties, about twist ties, like, you know, what was, like, twist ties, like, how strong are these things, and they should be, like, should cover up the soldiers in Iraq with twist ties.
01:38:36.000 That's what I mean.
01:38:37.000 He just, he's amazing at coming up with just, like, free form and, like, entire jokes.
01:38:41.000 I said to him, he got off, I go, I go, we did a movie together, and I go, we were on set, and I go, um...
01:38:45.000 You know what?
01:38:46.000 I said, I've decided you might be the best in the world at what you do.
01:38:54.000 And he goes, what do you mean?
01:38:55.000 I said, I think you're the best improviser and the best guy I've ever seen at improv, the way you do your improv.
01:39:02.000 I think you're the best in the world.
01:39:03.000 He goes, oh, I don't know.
01:39:04.000 I go, somebody's got to be the best.
01:39:06.000 So you're getting the trophy.
01:39:08.000 I'm good to go.
01:39:08.000 So he goes like this.
01:39:09.000 He goes, so apparently has his podcast next day.
01:39:11.000 He goes, you know, I know I like that guy Brian Callen.
01:39:14.000 He's a good guy.
01:39:15.000 He told me I might be the best improviser in the world.
01:39:17.000 And I thought, you know, why not?
01:39:18.000 So I got home and I looked at my wife and I was like, hey, how come I don't smell any pot roast?
01:39:22.000 Why is my dick in your mouth, for Christ's sake?
01:39:24.000 I'm the best guy in the world at improv.
01:39:27.000 He's like, recognize, honey.
01:39:29.000 Brian Callen said it, so it's true.
01:39:30.000 Yeah, he's a guy who's really found success with this whole podcast format.
01:39:34.000 He's also a great guy.
01:39:35.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.
01:39:36.000 He's a good guy.
01:39:36.000 He's an interesting dude.
01:39:37.000 He's really into cars, man.
01:39:38.000 He's got the dopest garage, man.
01:39:40.000 Is he?
01:39:41.000 Very good boxer.
01:39:41.000 Did you ever box with him?
01:39:42.000 No, but I've heard of guys who fight.
01:39:44.000 He's actually a ringer.
01:39:45.000 He'll get in a ring.
01:39:46.000 Really?
01:39:47.000 Yeah, it was real fun.
01:39:48.000 I believe it.
01:39:48.000 He's good at everything.
01:39:49.000 He's a great carpenter.
01:39:51.000 He fucking remodels his house and shit.
01:39:53.000 Builds additions on his own.
01:39:54.000 He's a real American.
01:39:55.000 He is a real American.
01:39:56.000 Alec Baldwin, Brett Favre before he went crazy, and this guy might be my favorite.
01:40:00.000 Adam Carolla has the dopest garage, man.
01:40:03.000 He's got one of those garages.
01:40:04.000 Yeah, but mine was built for a TV show.
01:40:07.000 You gotta pee?
01:40:07.000 Pee.
01:40:08.000 But Adam Carolla's garage, he's got a fucking Ferrari there, a classic BMW M3. He's got a Mustang back there.
01:40:16.000 He's got a Lamborghini back there, I think.
01:40:18.000 He's got a classic Lamborghini.
01:40:21.000 He's just really fucking into machines and cars and shit.
01:40:24.000 What's going on with Kevin Smith?
01:40:26.000 What's this talk on Twitter?
01:40:27.000 I don't know.
01:40:27.000 He said he wanted to get together and do a podcast.
01:40:29.000 And he said we should smoke pot and talk about news radio.
01:40:33.000 I'm like, fuck yeah.
01:40:34.000 I would love to.
01:40:34.000 I'm in.
01:40:34.000 So I messaged him.
01:40:36.000 But when you get...
01:40:37.000 And here's the thing with people saying, how come you never messaged me back?
01:40:40.000 Why don't you never message me back?
01:40:41.000 I'm not on Twitter all day.
01:40:43.000 I try to go on and post things when I have time.
01:40:46.000 But a lot of times I'm fucking busy.
01:40:48.000 And when you have...
01:40:49.000 I think now I'm up to 283,000.
01:40:54.000 Bitch!
01:40:56.000 Just because you don't have that many.
01:40:58.000 283,982.
01:41:01.000 So almost 284,000.
01:41:02.000 There's no way I can keep up with the replies.
01:41:05.000 If you don't look at it for an hour, there's 1,700 replies.
01:41:09.000 And so what do you do?
01:41:10.000 Do you read them all?
01:41:11.000 I can't.
01:41:11.000 I don't have the time.
01:41:12.000 It's impossible.
01:41:13.000 Well, just give me some of those people.
01:41:14.000 Listen, bitch.
01:41:15.000 You've got to earn them.
01:41:16.000 That would be cool if you could just give them that.
01:41:17.000 Listen, the shit my dad says, he doesn't have a podcast.
01:41:20.000 How does that guy get so famous?
01:41:21.000 Wouldn't it be cool, though, if you could give them, like, I'll give you 50,000 people on Twitter.
01:41:25.000 Yeah, and then all of a sudden they'd be getting your goofy-ass tweets going, what the fuck, man?
01:41:28.000 I hate cats.
01:41:30.000 What's wrong with this guy?
01:41:32.000 Dude, this new iPad, by the way, fucking awesome.
01:41:34.000 I think you'll use it more.
01:41:36.000 Why would I use it more?
01:41:37.000 Because it has a camera?
01:41:38.000 The camera shit is so badass.
01:41:39.000 Just fucking sitting there doing FaceTimes and shit like that.
01:41:43.000 He is a 13-year-old girl.
01:41:44.000 I know.
01:41:45.000 He's a little girl.
01:41:46.000 I don't want people looking at my face.
01:41:48.000 We could transplant your brain into a 13-year-old lesbian's body so easily.
01:41:53.000 It's hot.
01:41:54.000 The camera is badass.
01:41:55.000 You're loving it, right?
01:41:56.000 I'm loving it.
01:41:57.000 The other one was good, but the no camera thing just really made me never want to use it that much.
01:42:04.000 Really?
01:42:04.000 Yeah, because that was a big part.
01:42:05.000 It didn't bother me at all, man.
01:42:05.000 I only use it for watching things.
01:42:07.000 When I was getting tattooed, I used it to watch TV shows, and I used it for reading books.
01:42:13.000 I don't use it for anything else.
01:42:14.000 What's that?
01:42:15.000 iPad?
01:42:16.000 Yeah, I don't have one.
01:42:17.000 I was going to get the Airbook because I travel, but do I need an iPad?
01:42:20.000 Nah.
01:42:21.000 What's an airplane?
01:42:21.000 You don't need one.
01:42:22.000 That's a little MacBook.
01:42:23.000 A little tiny one.
01:42:24.000 Because I travel, I say it light.
01:42:25.000 What are you, a pussy, bro?
01:42:27.000 I get a 17-incher and I carry that shit over my shoulder.
01:42:30.000 I don't even bother putting the backpack on, dude.
01:42:31.000 I do squats.
01:42:32.000 I do kettlebells on a regular sun.
01:42:35.000 Stuff.
01:42:36.000 Step.
01:42:37.000 I remember one time you said to a bus full of fighters.
01:42:41.000 Back in the UFC, literally when Randy Couture fought Vitor Belfort.
01:42:44.000 It was like back in those days.
01:42:45.000 We were in Tennessee or Baton Rouge or something.
01:42:48.000 Right.
01:42:49.000 And I remember walking to the venue.
01:42:51.000 Remember that?
01:42:51.000 Like how ghetto it was back in the day.
01:42:54.000 And Randy, we were actually, anyway, but you go, they were talking about training techniques and you were like, I like to get into horse dance and put my balls inside my body and read Nietzsche.
01:43:07.000 And I think Emmanuel Stewart was there.
01:43:09.000 Everybody's like, all these fighters, no sense of humor, they all look at you like this.
01:43:12.000 They're like, what the fuck is he saying?
01:43:13.000 What are you saying?
01:43:14.000 Because you weren't really that famous yet.
01:43:16.000 Not at all.
01:43:17.000 I like to get in the horse dance, push my balls in my body, and read Nietzsche.
01:43:21.000 It's a good thing.
01:43:22.000 Everybody's like, is he fucking serious?
01:43:24.000 Because you were kind of squatting.
01:43:25.000 They didn't laugh at me at all.
01:43:27.000 I got into the squat position, too.
01:43:29.000 I got into that horse dance.
01:43:30.000 I was fucking dying.
01:43:31.000 Yeah, there was no room for humor in those early UFCs.
01:43:34.000 No, man.
01:43:35.000 That was just hardcore shit.
01:43:36.000 And I was also the post-fight interviewer.
01:43:38.000 I wasn't a commentator, so no one got to see my sense of humor at all.
01:43:41.000 I know.
01:43:41.000 I remember when we were with Tank, and we were all those guys, and you were just like, be careful.
01:43:45.000 Don't be a jackass around Tank.
01:43:46.000 I don't know what he might do to you.
01:43:47.000 Yeah, dude.
01:43:47.000 Tank will implode your skull.
01:43:49.000 Just beat you up.
01:43:49.000 Yeah, just beat your ass.
01:43:50.000 Because, you know, you're like, you know, Brian, don't be like, hey, Tank, let me tweak your nose.
01:43:55.000 Bad moves.
01:43:56.000 Tank will put you to sleep.
01:43:57.000 I remember what he was doing.
01:43:58.000 He'll put you to sleep, go to jail like normal.
01:44:00.000 He'll kill you.
01:44:00.000 He'll kill you.
01:44:01.000 He might.
01:44:02.000 It'll definitely change the way you look at the world.
01:44:03.000 I remember shaking his hand, and I've never felt a hand that strong.
01:44:07.000 He was just a brick.
01:44:08.000 And how about thinking about dudes?
01:44:09.000 We were talking about how badass mayhem is.
01:44:12.000 You were fucking around with mayhem.
01:44:14.000 And I said, well, I want to show you a video of Husam R. Paul Harris emitting mayhem.
01:44:18.000 Just think that someone can do that to a guy as good as mayhem.
01:44:21.000 As good and as strong as mayhem is.
01:44:23.000 It's crazy.
01:44:23.000 And you see a guy, there's just...
01:44:24.000 Levels upon levels upon levels.
01:44:27.000 I'm a baboon.
01:44:28.000 That guy's a silverback.
01:44:29.000 That's how it is.
01:44:31.000 You know?
01:44:32.000 I'm a Saluki.
01:44:33.000 Imagine the first dude that fucking stumbled across gorillas.
01:44:35.000 Because that did happen, by the way.
01:44:37.000 As far as Western humans, as far as white people.
01:44:40.000 That's right.
01:44:41.000 Gorillas were a myth until the 1800s, right?
01:44:44.000 In Indonesia, a guy woke a male orangutan up.
01:44:50.000 Woke him up.
01:44:51.000 And the thing flipped out and grabbed him by the hair.
01:44:54.000 He got kind of long hair, thick in the knees.
01:44:56.000 Grabbed him by the hair and just...
01:44:57.000 And scalped him.
01:45:00.000 They took...
01:45:01.000 He just ripped the base and scalped him like...
01:45:04.000 He freaked out like...
01:45:05.000 Pulled his hair off and then ran off into the trees.
01:45:09.000 Oh my god.
01:45:10.000 So he had no scalp.
01:45:11.000 That's right.
01:45:11.000 So what'd they do?
01:45:12.000 They have to like skin graft his ass onto his head?
01:45:14.000 You're fucked.
01:45:15.000 You're fucked.
01:45:15.000 In Indonesia?
01:45:17.000 I'm not sure.
01:45:18.000 You'd probably just die of staph infection.
01:45:19.000 Back in the day, it was like, you know, I think in...
01:45:21.000 The crazy thing is gorillas are the biggest, but they don't even eat meat.
01:45:25.000 They're all vegetarian.
01:45:26.000 That's right.
01:45:27.000 It's called genetics, my friend.
01:45:28.000 I know, but it's strange.
01:45:29.000 If you ever watch them, go to the San Diego Zoo and watch those gorillas.
01:45:32.000 You can stand right next to them because it's plexiglass.
01:45:34.000 Watch them wrestle.
01:45:36.000 All they do when they're little is wrestle.
01:45:38.000 All they do is roll around and they have arm drags, duck-unders.
01:45:41.000 I'm not kidding.
01:45:42.000 Headlocks, guillotines.
01:45:44.000 I swear to God.
01:45:45.000 They put you in their guard.
01:45:46.000 I swear.
01:45:47.000 So I'm telling you that the man who invented Jiu-Jitsu was Hylion Gracie?
01:45:51.000 Hylion.
01:45:51.000 Well, sort of.
01:45:52.000 I mean, there was the Japanese invented it first.
01:45:54.000 I wouldn't be surprised.
01:45:54.000 Of course.
01:45:55.000 Of course.
01:45:55.000 But he, you know, after he- Refined it.
01:45:57.000 Hylion Carlos.
01:45:58.000 I wouldn't be surprised if one day they were watching gorillas roll.
01:46:02.000 Watch them play.
01:46:04.000 They are the perfect wrestlers.
01:46:06.000 They're so efficient for wrestling.
01:46:08.000 They're so efficient.
01:46:09.000 It's just so weird that they're so big and that they eat plants.
01:46:12.000 Why?
01:46:12.000 Because a silverback is not six feet tall, maybe six feet tall, and weighs 600 pounds.
01:46:19.000 Fat-free, ladies and gentlemen!
01:46:20.000 No fat on his body!
01:46:21.000 Giant, fucking, monstrous arms.
01:46:23.000 But what is all that for?
01:46:24.000 Is it all just to keep things from fucking with it?
01:46:26.000 It must be.
01:46:27.000 I don't know, man.
01:46:28.000 Because they don't kill anybody.
01:46:29.000 They don't really swing through trees.
01:46:32.000 And they're not really aggressive.
01:46:33.000 They have little dicks.
01:46:35.000 Yeah, and they have little dicks.
01:46:36.000 I have a bigger dick than a 600-pound gorilla.
01:46:37.000 Shazam, son.
01:46:39.000 Shazam.
01:46:40.000 But think about that, though.
01:46:41.000 600 pounds.
01:46:42.000 That's a lot of weight.
01:46:44.000 And then there's the polar bear.
01:46:46.000 Yeah.
01:46:47.000 Which would eat a gorilla?
01:46:48.000 Yeah, what the fuck?
01:46:49.000 Do you think a polar bear could eat a gorilla?
01:46:51.000 Yeah.
01:46:51.000 Really?
01:46:52.000 Yeah.
01:46:52.000 Do I think so?
01:46:53.000 I don't know.
01:46:54.000 Have they ever done that?
01:46:55.000 Aren't they 15 to 16 to 1700 pounds?
01:46:57.000 Is that what a polar bear is?
01:46:58.000 Polar bears are pretty goddamn big.
01:46:59.000 Yeah, they stand 10 feet or higher.
01:47:01.000 They're bigger than a basketball.
01:47:02.000 Go to a basketball hoop.
01:47:03.000 Try to touch the rim.
01:47:05.000 And they're bigger than that when they stand on their hind legs.
01:47:09.000 Yeah, they take down things like elk with their mouths.
01:47:13.000 Yeah.
01:47:15.000 You ever see them eat pilot whales through the ice?
01:47:17.000 I have no doubt.
01:47:18.000 Do polar bears have big penises?
01:47:20.000 I don't know.
01:47:21.000 That's a good question.
01:47:21.000 But they'll kick the shit out of a gorilla.
01:47:23.000 Solid question, Brian.
01:47:23.000 Solid question.
01:47:24.000 Good question, Brian.
01:47:25.000 Thank you.
01:47:25.000 Hold that question for a second.
01:47:26.000 We'll put that on the wall.
01:47:28.000 Yeah, polar bears are scary as fuck if you're in Alaska.
01:47:30.000 If you see one, you better run, bitch, because they'll eat you.
01:47:33.000 Biggest land carnivore.
01:47:34.000 It actively targets human beings on a regular basis.
01:47:37.000 And yes, they will eat a human being.
01:47:38.000 They will make a beeline for you.
01:47:39.000 There's a terrifying story that I read once about these guys that were in a boat, and the boat hit an iceberg.
01:47:45.000 And the boat started to sink, so they sent out a distress signal, and they climbed off the boat onto an ice shelf.
01:47:51.000 Beautiful.
01:47:52.000 You heard the story?
01:47:53.000 Yeah, I know all about it.
01:47:54.000 There's a few researchers.
01:47:55.000 I forget the number, but there was more than three.
01:47:57.000 It's a terrible story.
01:47:58.000 And this polar bear saw them and kept diving off one ice sculpture to the next, getting closer and closer, sizing them up, until finally he was on the one ice sculpture.
01:48:08.000 And they were jumping around.
01:48:09.000 Yeah, they were screaming and yelling.
01:48:10.000 The polar bear didn't give a fuck.
01:48:12.000 He was like, hmm.
01:48:12.000 Make yourself hard to swallow.
01:48:14.000 I'm going to eat some of you bitches.
01:48:15.000 And he came over and he was on the ice...
01:48:19.000 Ice sculpture, the ice island right next to them, jumped in the water, got on their side, walked calmly up to the first guy he could get a hold of.
01:48:26.000 They scrambled.
01:48:27.000 Everybody stumbled over each other trying to get out of the way.
01:48:28.000 Grabs a guy, kills him right there instantly.
01:48:31.000 Grabs his limp body, jumps off the ice island into the water, swims over to the other one, and just starts eating him right in front of them.
01:48:40.000 And so he ate that one guy, and then help came.
01:48:42.000 And help came when the next boat came, when the distress signal was answered.
01:48:46.000 By the time they got there, this guy was just ribcage popping out of his fucking jacket.
01:48:51.000 Yeah, I'm not really interested in dying that way.
01:48:53.000 Thank you.
01:48:55.000 Because you're not doing anything.
01:48:56.000 That's a bear.
01:48:57.000 Good luck.
01:48:57.000 And a polar bear.
01:48:59.000 Polar bears and fucking oceans.
01:49:01.000 But you know what they do?
01:49:01.000 They grab you by the neck and they just shake a couple times, I guess.
01:49:04.000 Sometimes.
01:49:05.000 Sometimes they just start eating you.
01:49:06.000 They start eating you from the legs up like that guy from Grizzly Bear.
01:49:08.000 Yeah.
01:49:09.000 Seven minute audio tape.
01:49:10.000 That's a good time.
01:49:11.000 There go my legs.
01:49:13.000 Oh, those are my feet.
01:49:14.000 I know.
01:49:14.000 Those are my feet.
01:49:15.000 They won't release that shit.
01:49:15.000 Those are my calves.
01:49:16.000 Yeah.
01:49:16.000 Jesus Christ.
01:49:17.000 That's my femur bone.
01:49:18.000 Ah!
01:49:18.000 Ah!
01:49:18.000 My femur bone!
01:49:19.000 Thigh.
01:49:20.000 Eating, just taking chunks out of your thigh.
01:49:23.000 Ruthlessly.
01:49:23.000 Ever see that YouTube video of the woman got too close to the polar bear's cage?
01:49:27.000 Oh yeah, and it breaks her leg.
01:49:29.000 Yep, brought her in.
01:49:30.000 Yeah.
01:49:30.000 Hannah, sucker.
01:49:31.000 Yeah, they're mean, man.
01:49:32.000 They're also fast.
01:49:34.000 Well, they have to be.
01:49:35.000 They're living in fucking the frozen north.
01:49:37.000 What a crazy place to live.
01:49:38.000 They're like the cleanup agents of the frozen north.
01:49:40.000 You can't put a baby polar bear or even a smaller polar bear, like an adolescent polar bear, into a cage with a big polar bear.
01:49:47.000 Because guess what?
01:49:48.000 It'll eat it.
01:49:49.000 Whoa!
01:49:49.000 Jack!
01:49:50.000 Females will keep their cubs.
01:49:52.000 They'll run away from a male.
01:49:54.000 A male will chase a female and her cubs for two days trying to eat those cubs.
01:49:58.000 Jesus fucking Christ.
01:49:59.000 So they'll follow a female running and keeping her cubs going to get away from a male who sees them and says, I want to eat your babies.
01:50:08.000 Oh, fuck.
01:50:09.000 So she goes, guys, we got to run.
01:50:10.000 Let's run now.
01:50:11.000 But why is he still chasing us?
01:50:13.000 I'm tired, mommy.
01:50:14.000 Shut up.
01:50:14.000 That's the school of hard knocks, by the way.
01:50:16.000 Yeah, you think?
01:50:17.000 And, you know, and they'll eat both fucking cubs, too.
01:50:20.000 They won't just eat one and let the other one free.
01:50:22.000 No, he's going to kill that one and run after the next one.
01:50:24.000 The other one is, you know...
01:50:25.000 Yeah, they have to store up.
01:50:27.000 They have to store up fat.
01:50:27.000 And mom's not doing a thing.
01:50:28.000 She's got to just go...
01:50:29.000 Randy Couture asked me to go hunting with him.
01:50:32.000 I'm going to go hunting with Randy Couture.
01:50:33.000 That's okay.
01:50:34.000 And we were going to go bear hunting.
01:50:35.000 But I'm like, I don't want to eat a bear, man.
01:50:38.000 I don't want to eat a bear.
01:50:39.000 And I couldn't do it anyway.
01:50:41.000 I had to cancel some stand-up dates.
01:50:42.000 We're trying to figure out another day to do it.
01:50:44.000 But I'm like, let's kill something that I can eat.
01:50:46.000 Black bear or grizzly bear?
01:50:47.000 It's a black bear.
01:50:48.000 You can eat black bear.
01:50:49.000 It's oily meat.
01:50:50.000 It tastes like shit, though, right?
01:50:51.000 They say it's really good.
01:50:52.000 It's oily.
01:50:53.000 Really?
01:50:53.000 What does that mean?
01:50:54.000 Oily meat?
01:50:55.000 They say it's a very thick...
01:50:56.000 That's what I call my dick.
01:50:57.000 Can you imagine going gay bear hunting with Randy?
01:51:00.000 Yeah, there's gay bear hunting.
01:51:03.000 Let's find some bears.
01:51:04.000 Let's find some jeans with jean jackets on.
01:51:07.000 Yeah, you got your hunting gear and you just end up in like the city.
01:51:09.000 You're like, what are we doing, dude?
01:51:10.000 Why are we cruising slowly?
01:51:11.000 This guy's dressed like Bob Seger.
01:51:12.000 Let's take him down.
01:51:13.000 Dude, why do you smell like cologne and why are you wearing eyeliner right now?
01:51:16.000 This is so weird.
01:51:18.000 Why am I sucking your dick?
01:51:21.000 Randy Couture is the manliest man ever.
01:51:23.000 He's ultimately my favorite American.
01:51:25.000 Running through the woods.
01:51:26.000 He was doing the eco challenge when he stopped fighting for a while.
01:51:29.000 Just running through the fucking forest, the Pacific coast.
01:51:33.000 He doesn't need a bow and arrow or anything else.
01:51:36.000 He just runs it down.
01:51:36.000 He's a bad motherfucker.
01:51:38.000 But he's a big hunter.
01:51:39.000 He loves hunting.
01:51:40.000 So he's going to take me somewhere.
01:51:41.000 There's a hunting TV show they do it with.
01:51:44.000 Whenever I'm around, I've been around Randy Couture a couple times, and whenever I'm around a guy like that, I always feel a combination of just awe and just, I feel a little bad about myself.
01:51:54.000 Well, I always feel like, Jesus, you know, I always say to people, I say, why don't you fight MMA? First of all, because I don't want to, and two, because I'm old.
01:52:00.000 And then, like, Randy Couture is five years older than me.
01:52:04.000 Five years.
01:52:04.000 Yeah, don't be a pussy, Joe.
01:52:06.000 There has never been combat athletes into their late 40s before.
01:52:10.000 Ever.
01:52:10.000 Never.
01:52:10.000 You never saw that.
01:52:11.000 You never saw a 48-year-old guy.
01:52:13.000 It's a combination of a lot of things.
01:52:14.000 A lot of it's genetics, too.
01:52:15.000 Because the guy's never injured, which is crazy.
01:52:18.000 You think about all these different guys that cancel their camps.
01:52:21.000 Sports science did a thing where he's able to take the VO, like his VO max is much higher, like he's able to assimilate oxygen in his muscles much better than most people.
01:52:29.000 Well, it makes sense.
01:52:30.000 He's a lifelong athlete, and he was always known, even in the early, early days of competing, of just breaking guys' wills.
01:52:35.000 I mean, that's what he did to Vitor Belfort.
01:52:37.000 He just imposed his will on Vitor and broke him.
01:52:39.000 He fucked Vitor up for a long time.
01:52:41.000 He's relentless.
01:52:42.000 He'll go for the double leg, then a single leg, then a double leg.
01:52:45.000 And he beats you up against the cage, too.
01:52:47.000 This Machida fight in Toronto is very interesting.
01:52:51.000 Because he really firmly believes that Machida fights on the outside, but you can grab a hold of him.
01:52:57.000 And when you grab a hold of him, Randy thinks he's just going to pin him up against the cage and beat the shit out of him.
01:53:00.000 Randy Couture is fighting Machida, bro.
01:53:02.000 I didn't know that.
01:53:03.000 Meanwhile, he's doing The Expendables 2. He's doing movies.
01:53:06.000 He's a crazy fuck, dude.
01:53:08.000 And then he's trying to get hunting trips in.
01:53:09.000 Come on, let's go kill a bear!
01:53:11.000 What a stunt.
01:53:12.000 What a stunt.
01:53:13.000 I'm such a girl.
01:53:15.000 It's good to be around those guys.
01:53:16.000 It's good to know that there's levels of manliness out there.
01:53:20.000 Well, that's why sports for a young man are very important.
01:53:24.000 I don't care what it is, because it teaches you how tough you're not.
01:53:27.000 How tough you're not.
01:53:27.000 Not just how tough you are, but also how tough you're not.
01:53:29.000 And you need to know both.
01:53:30.000 And you need to know what other people are willing to go through, the kind of pain that some people are willing to go through.
01:53:34.000 You've got to watch a real-life strength and conditioning program.
01:53:38.000 You tell me you want to be an MMA fighter?
01:53:39.000 Okay, go to the gym with Sean Shirk.
01:53:41.000 Just watch him do that once.
01:53:42.000 First of all, I don't need to, because I was 17 and I went to Dan Gable's intensive wrestling camp with the Hawkeyes, and I remember limping for two weeks.
01:53:50.000 I limped.
01:53:50.000 Yeah.
01:53:51.000 Wake you up at 5 in the morning and you run sprints for an hour and then you do live wrestling.
01:53:54.000 And that's why I didn't want to wrestle in college because I went, if this is college athletics, I don't want to do it.
01:54:00.000 Yeah.
01:54:00.000 And what happened was I'd smell a mat and my back would start to hurt.
01:54:03.000 I got a psychosomatic injury.
01:54:05.000 Yeah.
01:54:05.000 All right?
01:54:06.000 My body was like, don't do that.
01:54:08.000 I limped.
01:54:09.000 The only time in my life I kept looking at my plane ticket and I was going to fake an injury so I could go home.
01:54:14.000 High school wrestling would make a fucking man out of you.
01:54:16.000 I'll tell you that.
01:54:16.000 Dude, they closed that camp down.
01:54:18.000 Because you had to graduate and like a third of the camp would drop out.
01:54:21.000 And literally they closed it down, I believe, the next year or the year after that.
01:54:25.000 Well, they also were really encouraging people to lose a tremendous amount of weight, which was terrifying and really fucking terrible for your young body.
01:54:33.000 You know, when you're 14, 15 years old and you're in high school and you're coaching and you're already lean and they're telling you to lose 10 pounds of water and dehydration.
01:54:40.000 And you had to wrestle that day, too.
01:54:42.000 It's not like the UFC. I did it, too.
01:54:43.000 It was awesome.
01:54:44.000 I did it for Taekwondo tournaments, too.
01:54:45.000 It's terrible.
01:54:46.000 My friend did it his whole high school career, and he's really short, where everyone else in his family is tall.
01:54:52.000 He's 5'6", and everyone else in his family is 6'2".
01:54:55.000 You're starving yourself.
01:54:56.000 Yeah, he starved himself all through high school, through every fucking season.
01:55:00.000 And college is worse, man.
01:55:01.000 Yeah, and he went to, in the off-season, he went to camps, and he was really trying to make it as a wrestler.
01:55:06.000 Boxers don't lose as much weight, do they?
01:55:07.000 Because they've got to go 12 rounds.
01:55:08.000 You also have to take head blows.
01:55:10.000 It's much more dangerous when you take head blows.
01:55:12.000 That's when people get real serious brain damage.
01:55:15.000 Gerald McClellan is a perfect example of that.
01:55:18.000 He's a guy who used to lose a lot of weight to make his division.
01:55:21.000 I think he was light heavyweight.
01:55:22.000 He was a big guy, and he would dehydrate himself really bad, and he didn't go about it the right way.
01:55:28.000 I don't know if they used IVs back in those days to rehydrate.
01:55:31.000 Now they're pretty sophisticated about it.
01:55:33.000 They always give guys bags of IV. Some guys will take six, seven, eight bags.
01:55:37.000 Oh, really?
01:55:37.000 Yeah, they have to rehydrate, and they piss like crazy, but they feel much better, much quicker, and they gain a tremendous amount of weight in a 24-hour period.
01:55:45.000 There's a guy, Gleason Tebow fights in the UFC. I don't know how he loses the weight.
01:55:48.000 I don't know what he does, but this motherfucker fights at 155, and he looks like he's He's fucking huge.
01:55:55.000 Well, it's like, what's the guy's name?
01:55:59.000 Anthony Johnson.
01:56:00.000 Yeah, perfect.
01:56:00.000 He walks to 215. Yeah, he's huge.
01:56:02.000 215. I did a movie with him.
01:56:04.000 He's fighting 170 again.
01:56:06.000 That's incredible.
01:56:07.000 He fought 170. I was doing a movie with him in Pittsburgh, and he walked around with these shoulders.
01:56:10.000 I was like, this dude, and I said, how much do you weigh?
01:56:12.000 He goes, 215. I go, how are you going to get down to 170?
01:56:15.000 He's like, I'll make it.
01:56:16.000 No problem.
01:56:17.000 He's got it down to his science.
01:56:17.000 I was like, alright.
01:56:18.000 I don't know how the fuck they do it.
01:56:19.000 His head's that big.
01:56:19.000 He's enormous.
01:56:20.000 His bones.
01:56:21.000 Yeah.
01:56:21.000 He's a super athlete.
01:56:23.000 That guy is fucking powerful.
01:56:24.000 That's a guy when you stand around, you feel like just such a wimp.
01:56:26.000 Yeah.
01:56:27.000 And he's an interesting guy, too, because he's a wrestler.
01:56:29.000 But he's really been working primarily on his striking.
01:56:32.000 And he's knocking a lot of guys out.
01:56:34.000 That was a big victory for Koscheck when Koscheck beat him.
01:56:37.000 I think a lot of that guy's problem is that he gets really depleted making that 170. I think he'd be better served at 185. I think a lot of guys would.
01:56:45.000 Of course.
01:56:45.000 I think a lot of guys lose too much weight, and I think over the long course of a career, it's very dangerous.
01:56:51.000 It's very unhealthy.
01:56:52.000 I don't know if you're allowed to say, but is there going to be a GSP-Anderson Silva fight?
01:56:55.000 They want to do that, but GSP has to get through Jake Shields, which is no fucking cakewalk.
01:57:00.000 Jake Shields is dangerous as fuck, and he's a winner, and his jiu-jitsu is top-notch.
01:57:05.000 Jake Shields can submit anybody.
01:57:06.000 Sure, but GSP has proved that he is still far and away the...
01:57:10.000 He's a bad motherfucker, no doubt about it, but you can't discount Jake Shields.
01:57:14.000 GSP's never fought Jake Shields, I'm telling you.
01:57:16.000 Jake Shields, look, he might...
01:57:19.000 GSP might be able to keep the fight on his feet, and if he does, GSP is more than likely going to be far better on his feet.
01:57:25.000 He's got way better striking, way better hands, way better kicks than Jake.
01:57:29.000 Jake is just all about closing the distance, getting ahold of you and dragging you to the ground.
01:57:32.000 And if he can't do that, yeah, he's in some trouble.
01:57:35.000 He's going to get boxed up.
01:57:36.000 But if he can do that, it becomes very interesting.
01:57:39.000 It becomes very interesting because Jake Shields has competed at the very highest levels of the game in grappling and submitted guys, in fact, in Abu Dhabi that submitted GSP. His level of jiu-jitsu is quite a bit higher, but George is so smart and he's so defensively intelligent.
01:57:56.000 He's never been submitted in MMA before.
01:57:58.000 No.
01:57:58.000 He's so, at least not in the UFC. He's also punching in the face.
01:58:02.000 Yeah, and elbowing.
01:58:02.000 And he's strong as fuck.
01:58:03.000 And his wrestling is outstanding, too.
01:58:05.000 Yeah, they say, I've talked to guys who train with him, and they say that he's just, he's really, really strong.
01:58:09.000 Yeah.
01:58:10.000 He's got superhuman strength.
01:58:10.000 Well, he's got great strength, and he's also, like, really smart.
01:58:13.000 And he does things correctly, and he's, like, super driven.
01:58:16.000 Like, I told you, we worked on that turning sidekick thing.
01:58:18.000 He talked to me afterwards, like, Joe, I practiced it a thousand times.
01:58:23.000 I was on the set.
01:58:24.000 They were like, this guy's crazy.
01:58:26.000 I'm kicking the bag.
01:58:27.000 I'm telling you, man, I'm going to get it.
01:58:28.000 He was obsessed with it.
01:58:30.000 If you show him a technique, he'll go over and go over.
01:58:33.000 The next thing you do, he'll probably be doing it better than you who taught him.
01:58:36.000 You know what's funny about that?
01:58:37.000 You see these people who are great and they do these things and you think it's magic.
01:58:40.000 They just work harder than everybody else.
01:58:42.000 Obsession and repetition.
01:58:44.000 And the same desire that gets you far in life with that can also fuck you up if you get addicted to EverQuest.
01:58:50.000 It's the same sort of obsession can wind you up in a ditch if it becomes something that's not productive.
01:58:56.000 For me, I have to, and I know you're probably the same way, I have to manage my addictions.
01:59:00.000 I have to be real careful and keep an eye on it.
01:59:02.000 I'm not as intense as you are that way.
01:59:04.000 You've always been really, really obsessive.
01:59:07.000 Well, it's a problem.
01:59:09.000 It's not even a discipline.
01:59:10.000 It's more of an obsession.
01:59:11.000 I'm disciplined, kind of.
01:59:13.000 I mean, I get things done.
01:59:14.000 I'm disciplined.
01:59:15.000 But what I really am is driven.
01:59:17.000 There's a big difference.
01:59:18.000 If I find something...
01:59:19.000 I'm not good at doing things I don't want to do.
01:59:21.000 I'm not good at taking out the garbage.
01:59:23.000 I'm not good at remembering to do errands.
01:59:25.000 Things that I'm supposed to do, I'm not good at.
01:59:26.000 But if there's something I'm excited about, if there's something that I'm motivated about, then I become obsessed with it.
01:59:32.000 And then I become driven.
01:59:33.000 To get good at whatever the fuck this thing is.
01:59:36.000 So it's not even like a discipline thing.
01:59:37.000 It's almost like I just know how to turn on the crazy switch.
01:59:41.000 Yeah, you do.
01:59:42.000 You're really, really good at that.
01:59:44.000 But you've got to manage that shit, man.
01:59:45.000 There's a lot of people that don't.
01:59:46.000 They get into gambling and then they become fucking crazy with blackjack or poker.
01:59:50.000 I've always been really grateful that I didn't have the kind of wiring that was predisposed to the kind of negative obsessions like that.
01:59:57.000 Well, you're self-deprecating enough to the point where you don't have to constantly be the best guy in the room.
02:00:02.000 You can have a good time no matter what.
02:00:05.000 No, I've always enjoyed my friends' successes.
02:00:08.000 I've always found it more inspiring than threatening.
02:00:11.000 I just think it's like intelligence.
02:00:13.000 It's like trying to compartmentalize anything.
02:00:15.000 Well, that's why you're a healthy dude, too.
02:00:17.000 But it's like courage.
02:00:19.000 Some people say, well, I'm a coward.
02:00:20.000 Well, you're a coward.
02:00:21.000 Maybe you wouldn't get up on stage and do stand-up, but you'd fight six guys in a bar.
02:00:25.000 And intelligence or talent, it's all the same stuff.
02:00:29.000 Some people, you just have to find what you're good at.
02:00:31.000 Find your shit.
02:00:31.000 What's your role?
02:00:32.000 It might be to support talented people.
02:00:34.000 It might be to be the one on stage.
02:00:35.000 It might be the one who comes up with the microphone that you...
02:00:38.000 You use it.
02:00:39.000 Right.
02:00:39.000 There's club owners, there's managers, there's agents, there's comics, there's writers.
02:00:43.000 If you have children, I think your job is to try to nudge that child in the direction of what he's supposed to do anyway.
02:00:47.000 Yeah.
02:00:48.000 Whatever his primal impulses are.
02:00:49.000 You have kids now.
02:00:52.000 Are you actively thinking about that?
02:00:53.000 Your daughter's the same age as my daughter.
02:00:55.000 Yeah.
02:00:55.000 And what I try to do with my daughter is provide two things.
02:00:58.000 One is love, unconditional love, so she's not messed up.
02:01:01.000 But...
02:01:02.000 I also believe that a large part of my job is to stand out of the way, not to be a suppressive, overwhelming personality for her.
02:01:10.000 I don't want to be too much of an influence.
02:01:12.000 And the reason I don't want is I want her to ultimately, I think a great deal comes from having to be independent and also feeling free enough and not ashamed of whatever it is you are.
02:01:25.000 And so much of my childhood, and it's not nobody's fault, but so much of my childhood When I think back on it, even my young adult eight years, is full of what I would describe as shame.
02:01:38.000 I mean, described certainly as confusion, but also shame.
02:01:41.000 Just also, God, I feel so different than most people.
02:01:43.000 I'm a fuck-up, and I've got to get my shit together.
02:01:46.000 Well, no, I didn't.
02:01:47.000 I actually had to just go deeper into that.
02:01:50.000 Well, to be a performer, yes, but if you were a car salesman, yeah, you would have had a problem.
02:01:55.000 Sure, but I'm saying, yeah.
02:01:56.000 You know what I mean?
02:01:57.000 It's like we're lucky that this avenue exists.
02:02:00.000 Absolutely.
02:02:01.000 I'm just saying you've got to find whatever your avenue is.
02:02:03.000 I think people say, well, everybody has a path.
02:02:05.000 I don't know about that.
02:02:06.000 But your job as a young adult or as a child is to try to find that.
02:02:10.000 Maybe everybody could have a path.
02:02:12.000 It's not that everybody does.
02:02:13.000 Maybe that everybody could.
02:02:14.000 Yeah, but you also, you said something really profound I've been thinking about a lot lately that I thought was really cool.
02:02:19.000 You said, it's one thing to be really accomplished and you've accomplished things and we can go through all this stuff.
02:02:23.000 But the one thing you said that you're the most proud of is accomplishing your peace of mind.
02:02:27.000 And that is a very separate, separate endeavor from trying to make money and trying to make a name for yourself, trying to be significant, trying to be original.
02:02:37.000 But actually, getting to a point where you have peace of mind I think is equally as important as any accomplishment.
02:02:45.000 It's more important than anything.
02:02:46.000 It is.
02:02:46.000 I'm happier now than I've ever been at any point in my life.
02:02:50.000 And I'm also nicer to people now than at any point ever in my own life.
02:02:55.000 And more conscious about biological maintenance, making sure I work out on a regular basis, making sure I'm healthy.
02:03:01.000 All those things together with my life.
02:03:03.000 You've genuinely changed in some ways your personality in a way.
02:03:08.000 You've actually made fundamental changes in how you relate to other human beings.
02:03:14.000 I've seen that in you.
02:03:15.000 A lot of that is psychedelics and the tank.
02:03:19.000 Whatever it is, it's a combination.
02:03:21.000 You did the tank recently.
02:03:22.000 Yeah, it was awesome.
02:03:22.000 Tell me about this.
02:03:24.000 We'll end with this because we've been talking for a long time.
02:03:27.000 Tell me what your experience was like.
02:03:29.000 I got into the salt water, and it was really dark.
02:03:36.000 By the way, for people who don't know, this is a sensory deprivation tank we're talking about.
02:03:40.000 Yeah, and I thought two things.
02:03:41.000 I thought one is I was going to go restless, and I thought the other thing, I was going to get cold.
02:03:45.000 And then I thought I was going to sink and all that.
02:03:48.000 And in fact, I started to just focus on my breath and it was very easy for me to kind of disappear for real.
02:03:56.000 And I think I stayed in there for two hours, but I could have stayed in there way longer.
02:04:01.000 Way longer.
02:04:02.000 People say, you know, he said, I think the guy said, you know, 15 minutes or you might be in there for an hour, but it might be hard.
02:04:09.000 For me, I could have just stayed in there.
02:04:12.000 It's an amazing environment, isn't it?
02:04:14.000 Yeah.
02:04:14.000 You need to get one of those.
02:04:16.000 I think we all need that.
02:04:17.000 Well, you live in the area, so you can go to that place all the time, but man, having one in your house is this shit.
02:04:23.000 How often do you change that water?
02:04:24.000 You don't have to.
02:04:25.000 You don't have to.
02:04:26.000 It's only me that goes in it, and it's 800 pounds of salt.
02:04:28.000 Nothing can live in there.
02:04:29.000 Yeah, it's like it's so dense.
02:04:32.000 Yeah, it is.
02:04:32.000 It's just like that.
02:04:33.000 It's the most valuable program ever or the valuable tool ever for reprogramming your mind, for looking at yourself in a truly objective way and to be tethered, untethered rather, from your life, untethered from your personal experiences and able to look at them.
02:04:49.000 Literally, when you're inside that tank, it feels like you're not there.
02:04:52.000 It feels like time has essentially stopped.
02:04:55.000 You're not getting any input.
02:04:57.000 It might be going on without you, all rambling free in the world, but in your life, your life is all about how you relate to everything that you see in your environment.
02:05:06.000 So having a chance to be out of your environment, the only opportunity that you have in the world, that's the only environment on the planet like that, where you can go and separate yourself literally from your life.
02:05:18.000 So watch yourself.
02:05:19.000 Yeah.
02:05:19.000 If you don't know what we're talking about, we're talking about a sensory deprivation tank which was created by a psychedelic pioneer from the 50s named John Lilly, who was this brilliant scientist who was incredibly eccentric.
02:05:28.000 And one of the things he wanted to figure out was how to detach himself from his physical inputs of sound and feeling and seeing things and how to figure out how to get the mind literally away from any input of the body.
02:05:41.000 He realized that life is very distracting and that conversations that you're having, if there's a bus driving by right next to you, it's hard to have that conversation.
02:05:48.000 The bus is distracting.
02:05:50.000 Input is distracting and when you are in the tank you are literally dealing with no input.
02:05:54.000 You have no hearing because your ears are underwater and it's a big heavy door that's shut and it's pretty soundproof.
02:06:01.000 You have no seeing because you're in total blackness, total complete darkness.
02:06:05.000 You don't feel anything because the water is the same temperature as your skin.
02:06:08.000 And the water has 800 pounds of salt in it, so you're completely buoyant.
02:06:12.000 And it's the most amazing environment, man.
02:06:14.000 It goes into that really, what was that, I think, therefore I am, right?
02:06:18.000 Descartes mentioned.
02:06:20.000 But that's always been disputed in the sense that because you can imagine it, It doesn't mean, indeed, that it's actually there.
02:06:28.000 Or it does.
02:06:30.000 What is the imagination?
02:06:31.000 This is the real question.
02:06:33.000 What is the imagination?
02:06:34.000 And are thoughts really non-local?
02:06:36.000 Are you really just a biological antenna that picks up entropy in the air?
02:06:42.000 That picks up creativity and ideas and things?
02:06:45.000 And these are literally woven into the fabric of time all around us.
02:06:50.000 You know what that great mathematician won the Fields Medal said?
02:06:52.000 He refused the Fields Medal, which is a million-dollar prize, I believe, and it's like the Nobel Prize for Mathematics.
02:06:57.000 They couldn't find him.
02:06:57.000 They found him in Siberia a year later, and he goes, why are you giving me the prize?
02:07:01.000 You should be giving the equation a prize.
02:07:02.000 I just have antenna.
02:07:04.000 I'm wired a certain way, and I was able to channel The answer.
02:07:08.000 I think it was a 350-page answer they've been looking at.
02:07:11.000 Even the problem had been conjectured in like 1806. The actual problem.
02:07:17.000 And then he came up with the answer and all these mathematicians.
02:07:19.000 Like, this guy actually figured it out after 300 years.
02:07:22.000 And he's just incredibly brilliant.
02:07:24.000 He goes, yeah, yeah, but you're giving the prize to the radio?
02:07:28.000 You should be giving it to the music.
02:07:30.000 They all say that.
02:07:31.000 Every artist says that.
02:07:32.000 Every great writer says that.
02:07:34.000 They tune into the muse.
02:07:35.000 I love that.
02:07:36.000 That's what makes me believe in any kind of God or whatever you want to call it.
02:07:40.000 A higher benevolent force of some kind or at least something of beauty.
02:07:44.000 I don't know.
02:07:45.000 Yeah.
02:07:46.000 What was my point?
02:07:49.000 What is imagination?
02:07:50.000 What is thought?
02:07:51.000 Thank you.
02:07:51.000 My point was, the idea of imagination is very strange because you have this idea, you have this thing that comes in your mind, wait a minute, if I do this and combine it with that, holy shit, I just made a new invention, this is going to revolutionize.
02:08:05.000 What you've done is, with this thing in the ether, you have pulled it out of that and now it manifests itself in a physical form and alters human life.
02:08:16.000 It changes life.
02:08:17.000 All the things that people have invented, they had to initially think up, whether it's the car, whether it's computers.
02:08:24.000 This had to be a thought in someone's mind, a creative idea, or a conglomeration of other ideas that existed before that's a combinatory thing, and they combine it and make some new creative thing.
02:08:34.000 But whatever the imagination is, it eventually manifests itself as an actual thing.
02:08:39.000 But we don't look at that for...
02:08:41.000 And by the way, imagination is also way more important than what you consider intelligence or amassing information.
02:08:48.000 Imagination is what moves history forward.
02:08:51.000 Innovation, yeah.
02:08:52.000 Well, Gutenberg, when he came up with the printing press, even Freud, when he came up with the concept that you could figure out how the human mind works, Einstein's theory of relativity, Newton's calculus, these guys who were these seminal thinkers who came up with Even Karl Marx, for that matter.
02:09:07.000 I'm not a communist.
02:09:08.000 But these guys who came up with these sort of seminal concepts of, you know, how to restructure our society, how to restructure our biology, how to restructure our minds, how to look at our minds, all those things.
02:09:18.000 From the imagination.
02:09:19.000 It all came from imagination.
02:09:20.000 And we leapt forward.
02:09:22.000 In some ways, not in a good way.
02:09:24.000 In some ways, we came up with the atomic bomb.
02:09:25.000 Well, yeah, I mean, it's all the same thing, right?
02:09:29.000 It's all people in, you know, whatever branch of study that they choose to pursue, you know, they create things, you know, and it becomes an actual physical thing.
02:09:38.000 But what is the imagination that's making that happen?
02:09:41.000 Is it like a life form?
02:09:42.000 And what's the point?
02:09:43.000 And also, what's the point?
02:09:44.000 Is it the diagram, the map of the universe that we're supposed to follow?
02:09:48.000 We brought this podcast full circle because we started with that question and we end with that question.
02:09:52.000 There is no point.
02:09:52.000 Who knows?
02:09:54.000 This is our message, folks.
02:09:56.000 Just be fucking nice to people.
02:09:57.000 If we all were cool, if everybody was like the people in this room right now, if the whole world was made up of us and we just ran into us everywhere, I mean, that's so egocentric and ridiculous to say, but the mindset of what I'm talking about.
02:10:11.000 Just be cool to people.
02:10:12.000 Just be nice.
02:10:13.000 You know what the problem is?
02:10:14.000 Competition is the problem.
02:10:16.000 Sometimes somebody has an idea that they think is better for you.
02:10:19.000 So example, certain people in Kansas say, let's start teaching intelligent design and not evolution.
02:10:24.000 And we're going to teach your child that because it's better for his soul.
02:10:27.000 And all of a sudden you go, wait a minute, you're trying to be nice to me, but I don't want that kind of nice.
02:10:30.000 Yeah, that's the wrong kind of nice.
02:10:33.000 That's not what I'm talking about.
02:10:33.000 I'm talking about people not fucking with other people's lives.
02:10:36.000 Don't try to control other people.
02:10:37.000 Worry about yourself.
02:10:38.000 There's just so many of us.
02:10:40.000 There's so many of us, it's hard to get this all across.
02:10:42.000 But I firmly believe that we right now are more advanced, more in tune, more tuned in than any other generation that's ever been before.
02:10:50.000 And a lot of it is because of stuff like this.
02:10:52.000 A lot of it is because of the podcast, internet.
02:10:55.000 Things you can read, the access to information, all these things.
02:10:58.000 We're communicating in a way with Twitter and with Facebook that no one's ever done before.
02:11:03.000 I think we're connected the way we've never been before, in real time.
02:11:06.000 Yeah.
02:11:06.000 These things that we're all pushing together, it's a fascinating time.
02:11:11.000 And I think human beings culturally are evolving at an incredible pace.
02:11:17.000 Exponential in a way.
02:11:18.000 Technology certainly is.
02:11:19.000 Yeah, that's the nuttiest thing about all this 2012 nonsense is, fuck, everything's pointing towards that being real.
02:11:26.000 Everything's pointing towards all these fucking events happening and people changing and technology accelerated at an incredible pace.
02:11:31.000 And we talked about earlier about the center of every galaxy being a black hole and we were talking about that.
02:11:35.000 Well, that's what they're trying to do at the Large Hadron Collider.
02:11:38.000 They're making black holes.
02:11:39.000 So if the center of every galaxy is a black hole and inside that black hole is a universe and then they're making universes, that's what they're doing.
02:11:46.000 Like, what the fuck?
02:11:46.000 Somebody put the brakes on that.
02:11:48.000 We are butterflies.
02:11:49.000 I know.
02:11:49.000 And we are on our way to being the next thing.
02:11:52.000 You know, there was a caterpillar that became a butterfly, and that is the human being.
02:11:55.000 If you want an actually great lecture on that, it's called Homo Evolutus, and it's by Juan Enriquez.
02:12:01.000 Go to ted.com, and Juan Enriquez will take you through a lecture called Homo Evolutus, and he talks about how we're coming up with, for example, eyes that right now can see shadow and light, but they're going to pretty soon be able to see underwater and in the dark for a mile away.
02:12:14.000 And of course.
02:12:14.000 The ears that can hear a mile away.
02:12:16.000 All that stuff.
02:12:17.000 And we're going to start to become machine, part machine, as we come up with biocompatible components way faster than we're going to ever evolve into whatever else we're supposed to biologically.
02:12:26.000 I know people already that have artificial hips.
02:12:28.000 I know a couple people.
02:12:29.000 I need one, dude.
02:12:30.000 My hip starts clicking now.
02:12:31.000 Your hips are fucked up?
02:12:32.000 My hip on this side really hurts sometimes when I move the wrong way.
02:12:34.000 Try being a top every now and then.
02:12:36.000 Hey!
02:12:38.000 And on that note, Brian Callan, you're the greatest.
02:12:42.000 Thank you very much for being on the podcast again.
02:12:44.000 Always the most fascinating, intriguing, in-depth conversations, head-spinning shit.
02:12:49.000 I'm going to have to go back and review it because there was a lot of stuff that we talked about that I'm like, wow, I really need to consider this.
02:12:53.000 And I apologize for any inaccuracies.
02:12:56.000 It is the issue that we just start talking.
02:12:57.000 We just start...
02:12:59.000 Always an honor.
02:13:00.000 Always a pleasure.
02:13:00.000 Please, you're the best, man.
02:13:02.000 Brian.
02:13:02.000 And people can follow Brian on Twitter.
02:13:05.000 It's B-R-Y-A-N-C-A-L-L-E-N. Follow him on Twitter and follow Red Band.
02:13:10.000 Please, folks.
02:13:11.000 And by the way, I'm doing the Palms stand-up this weekend.
02:13:16.000 Oh, this weekend in Vegas.
02:13:19.000 Seriously, he's one of the funniest, most unique human beings on the planet.
02:13:23.000 He's responsible for one of the three funniest things I've ever seen in my life.
02:13:28.000 The gay jujitsu sketch that you did in a hotel room in Vegas.
02:13:32.000 Between that and Joey Diaz showing his balls and Duncan Trussell's new video.
02:13:36.000 Duncan Trussell's new video.
02:13:37.000 It's so good, isn't it?
02:13:38.000 It's so good.
02:13:38.000 I haven't seen it.
02:13:39.000 Well, it's Duncan and his girlfriend Natasha.
02:13:41.000 No one's seen it yet.
02:13:42.000 You can only watch it on his computer.
02:13:44.000 It hasn't been released yet.
02:13:45.000 When it does get released, I made a video on my iPhone talking about how great it is, like you people are going to freak.
02:13:49.000 It's going to get like a million hits in the first week.
02:13:51.000 It's fucking great.
02:13:52.000 It's fucking hilarious.
02:13:53.000 It's hilarious.
02:13:54.000 This is his thing.
02:13:57.000 His greatest accomplishment.
02:13:58.000 It's genius.
02:13:59.000 It's Duncan in a nutshell and Natasha in a nutshell together.
02:14:02.000 Alright, this weekend, Gotham sold out.
02:14:05.000 Next weekend, there's a few tickets left for the Moore Theater in Seattle, but that's going fast, too.
02:14:09.000 And then we're in Portland the week after that at Helium in Portland.
02:14:14.000 It's all on JoeRogan.net.
02:14:16.000 And this Wednesday, we are at Sal's Comedy Hole.
02:14:19.000 Got some funny fucking people on there, too.
02:14:21.000 Who's on?
02:14:21.000 Steve Renazzisi, Freddie Lockhart, Doug Benson, and Brett Ernst.
02:14:26.000 Yeah, it's a good lineup, ladies and gentlemen, so you don't want to miss that shit.
02:14:29.000 And Sal's Comedy Hole is only like...
02:14:30.000 80 or 90 people, and we do it pretty much every Wednesday.
02:14:33.000 Every Wednesday, I'm in town.
02:14:34.000 We fuck around.
02:14:35.000 We come up with new material.
02:14:37.000 We have fun.
02:14:38.000 It's a great environment.
02:14:39.000 You're going to see a lot of cool comics.
02:14:40.000 It's like a VIP show right now.
02:14:42.000 These 80 people are getting a crazy show.
02:14:44.000 Sarah Silverman did it last week.
02:14:46.000 Doug Benson.
02:14:47.000 Eliza Schlesinger.
02:14:48.000 Eliza Schlesinger.
02:14:49.000 We always have top-notch guys come down and fuck around, and it's a really good environment.
02:14:54.000 It's a really fun place.
02:14:55.000 Are you doing anything Wednesday?
02:14:56.000 Brian Callum's on the show.
02:14:58.000 I'll actually be in...
02:15:00.000 I have to do Brea at 8 o'clock.
02:15:01.000 Oh, fuck.
02:15:03.000 What time are you going to be done?
02:15:04.000 What time?
02:15:04.000 What time's your set?
02:15:05.000 Are you closing?
02:15:06.000 You're closing.
02:15:06.000 Yeah, I think I'm closing.
02:15:07.000 Okay, you won't be done in time.
02:15:08.000 All right, yeah, we start at 9, right?
02:15:10.000 Well, any Wednesday.
02:15:11.000 We do it every Wednesday.
02:15:12.000 We start at 8 o'clock.
02:15:13.000 All right, 8 p.m.
02:15:13.000 South Common Hill.
02:15:14.000 I didn't know you did that.
02:15:15.000 I want to You're coming.
02:15:15.000 Yeah, you're coming.
02:15:16.000 You're coming.
02:15:16.000 It's the new hangout.
02:15:17.000 It's the new greatest place to fuck around for stand-up.
02:15:20.000 Everyone super supportive.
02:15:21.000 Everyone that works there cool as fuck.
02:15:22.000 Sal is an ace.
02:15:24.000 He's just a super warm, friendly, happy guy.
02:15:25.000 Oh, I love the comedy hall.
02:15:26.000 Sal's comedy hall.
02:15:27.000 Yeah, Sal.
02:15:27.000 He's got a new place.
02:15:29.000 It's on Melrose now.
02:15:30.000 Oh, great.
02:15:31.000 I'd love to promote that.
02:15:32.000 It's a real small place.
02:15:33.000 VIP service now.
02:15:36.000 What does that mean?
02:15:36.000 Valet service now starting this Wednesday.
02:15:38.000 Really?
02:15:38.000 Yeah, because the parking was a little weird.
02:15:40.000 Give some foreign dude your keys and make sure he doesn't steal your weed.
02:15:43.000 Yeah.
02:15:43.000 I'm all over it.
02:15:44.000 Listen, bitches, you know we love you.
02:15:45.000 And we'll see you tomorrow with Joey Coco Diaz, none other than one of the other funniest human beings, funny experiences.
02:15:53.000 You know what the fuck I'm talking about, bitches.
02:15:55.000 All right.
02:15:55.000 We love you guys.