The Joe Rogan Experience - January 03, 2017


Joe Rogan Experience #895 - #WhoIsFat Weigh-in - Day 2

Topics
weigh-ins being stranded at sea body mass index travel Ronda Rousey loss adjustment flying through canyon range Kevin Hart racism malaria pills shaving if it's brown and it moves Russell Peters dating vodka champ Dave Chappelle competition between participants fireman training Spartan Race parameters coconut water Get Shorty mustache decision waffles caviar consumption
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
#WhoIsFat Weigh-in - Day 2
Mentioned
Bert Kreischer Young Jamie Russell Peters Eddie Griffin Tom Segura Kevin Hart Dude Dave Chappelle Jesus Christ Daniel Tosh Bill Murray Jake Smith Joey Diaz Squirtz Ronda Rousey Van Wilder Ryan Reynolds Dick Sargent Bill Barr Aunt Viv and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience #894 - #WhoIsFat Weigh-in - Day 1 Joe Rogan Experience #897 - Hunter Maats

Episode Stats


Length

3 hours and 43 minutes

Words per minute

199.14

Word count

44,578

Sentence count

6,196

Harmful content

Misogyny

142

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,529

sentences flagged

Hate speech

82

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Tom and Bert are back at it again, and this time it's a two-day challenge! The guys weigh in, and it's Bert's turn to lose weight for the first time since Day 1, and boy is he a doozy. We also have a new segment called Who Is Fat? where the guys talk about the Who is Fat contest, and the winner gets to shave their beard and the loser has to pay for the winner s trip of their choice unless they can get down to a certain weight, which means they have to be under a certain height, which is why Ari Shafir is balking at the idea of paying for the other person's trip. And of course, we have a special guest on the show today, Mickey M. Jeter. We're live in front of 3 Tonino's in Woodland Hills, CA, and they're serving up the best pizza in the entire world. Enjoy the episode and remember to stay tuned in next week for a new episode of Who Is FAT? Tom and Bert's weigh-in is coming soon. Stay tuned for that! XOXO, John Rocha and Joe Pesci. Cheers, John and Joe. - The Jerks. Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops by Suneaters, courtesy of Lotuspool Records. Thank you for listening and supporting the podcast. If you like what you hear, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts and/or share the podcast with a friend or become a patron. We'll be looking out for the next episode! in the comments! - John is a big fan of the podcast and we'll be listening out for you! Timestamps: 0:00-10:00 - Who is fat? 5:30 - What's Too Fat? 6:15 - What is Fat? 7:30- What's Fat? 8:00 - What do you're Fat? 9:00? 11:00 | How much weight do you need to lose? 12:00/11: How much fat do you like it? 13: Is it too much? 15:00 / 16:30? 17:30/16:30 / 17:40 18:30 19:40/20?

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 Hashtag who is fat?
00:00:02.000 Hashtag who is fat?
00:00:03.000 Did you tweet it?
00:00:04.000 Yeah.
00:00:06.000 That's what's up.
00:00:08.000 We're live.
00:00:09.000 We're live in front of three Tonino's pizzas.
00:00:12.000 If you're in Woodland Hills, California, I highly recommend Tonino's. 1.00
00:00:15.000 Get a smell off of that bitch. 1.00
00:00:17.000 Get a smell off of that bitch. 1.00
00:00:18.000 I smelled it when I came in. 1.00
00:00:19.000 They're legit as fuck. 1.00
00:00:21.000 No affiliation, no sponsorship. 1.00
00:00:23.000 They're just good pizza.
00:00:24.000 Alright, folks.
00:00:25.000 Today's day two.
00:00:26.000 If you didn't tune in to day one, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer made a bet.
00:00:30.000 The bet is whoever can lose the most weight was going to be over a three-day challenge.
00:00:35.000 It's been reduced to a two-day challenge. 0.99
00:00:37.000 Thank fucking God. 0.99
00:00:38.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:00:39.000 And Tom got down from 267 to 219, which is fucking staggering. 0.86
00:00:45.000 So how about a nice round of applause for Tom winning yesterday? 0.95
00:00:49.000 And how about a round of applause for Bert?
00:00:51.000 221, pretty fucking close and staggering as well.
00:00:55.000 Both of you guys, amazing job.
00:00:57.000 So today is day two.
00:00:58.000 I know you're burnt out, you're dehydrated.
00:01:00.000 Totally, man. 1.00
00:01:00.000 So let's just cut the shit and get right to the waist. 1.00
00:01:02.000 We're going right to the fucking waist. 1.00
00:01:03.000 Let's do it. 0.99
00:01:03.000 I should weigh in first because I have a feeling that... 0.99
00:01:05.000 Okay, don't be a pussy. 1.00
00:01:07.000 Don't be scared. 1.00
00:01:08.000 Okay, folks.
00:01:09.000 Jesus.
00:01:10.000 Oh, and by the way, we did the height tests because Ari Shafir, who was supposed to pay if they got below $227, Ari's supposed to pay for their trip. 0.98
00:01:20.000 The loser has to shave their beard, and the loser has to pay for the winner's trip of their choice unless they can get down to $227, in which Ari Shafir agreed that he was going to pay.
00:01:33.000 But now Ari is balking and he's saying that they have to be, uh, their height has to be measured because the body mass index would indicate that they have to be a certain height or they're obese.
00:01:45.000 It was really weird.
00:01:45.000 So we tested the heights, okay?
00:01:48.000 Um, uh, Tom is just under six feet tall. 0.99
00:01:51.000 And for all you assholes that say I'm five foot two, we tested me too. 0.99
00:01:55.000 I'm five eight and a cunt hair. 0.99
00:01:57.000 Um, And Bert is taller than Tom, so Bert's good. 0.72
00:02:02.000 You're about 6'1".
00:02:04.000 So the body mass index, I think...
00:02:07.000 Dude, you look good.
00:02:09.000 Get on here. 0.74
00:02:09.000 Get on here. 0.74
00:02:11.000 All right, so Bert was at 221 yesterday.
00:02:13.000 You look significantly thinner today.
00:02:15.000 I feel I'm hurting.
00:02:16.000 Okay, he's hurting.
00:02:17.000 Let's see.
00:02:18.000 He's getting on the scale.
00:02:23.000 220. Fuck. 1.00
00:02:25.000 220 for Burt. 1.00
00:02:26.000 For one pound?
00:02:27.000 One pound less. 1.00
00:02:28.000 One fucking pound? 1.00
00:02:29.000 I think Tommy's got it here. 1.00
00:02:31.000 Let's see here. 1.00
00:02:32.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:02:32.000 Say goodbye to my beard. 1.00
00:02:34.000 Say goodbye to Hollywood.
00:02:39.000 He's going to Paris for a soccer game.
00:02:41.000 Please have gained weight.
00:02:42.000 Please have gained weight. 1.00
00:02:43.000 You fucking dick! 1.00
00:02:46.000 216! 1.00
00:02:47.000 Tom gets it running away, ladies and gentlemen.
00:02:51.000 We have a winner in the hashtag WhoIsFat contest. 0.99
00:02:55.000 The winner is Tom Segura down to 216 fucking pounds. 0.99
00:03:03.000 Outrageous. 0.99
00:03:04.000 Outrageous.
00:03:05.000 Coconut waters, C2O coconut waters must be consumed now.
00:03:08.000 Get those electrolytes in your system.
00:03:11.000 Boys, well done.
00:03:13.000 Well done.
00:03:13.000 Amazing effort.
00:03:14.000 It's not easy to lose weight.
00:03:16.000 It's really not easy to lose it the way you guys did it two days in a row. 1.00
00:03:21.000 Man, crazy shit. 1.00
00:03:23.000 Today was the hardest workout I've ever had. 1.00
00:03:25.000 I ran eight miles, lost one fucking pound. 0.99
00:03:28.000 That's crazy. 1.00
00:03:29.000 That's it.
00:03:29.000 I think my body was like in shock.
00:03:31.000 That's what happens.
00:03:32.000 That's what happens to fighters. 0.71
00:03:33.000 It shuts down.
00:03:34.000 So have a seat, guys.
00:03:36.000 Pull it off. 0.99
00:03:39.000 I've been thinking about that drink this entire fucking day. 0.99
00:03:42.000 We got a beard trimmer over there charging up. 0.99
00:03:46.000 You should probably shave your beard after you have some pizza.
00:03:51.000 I mean, live a little. 1.00
00:03:53.000 I'm going to have a hard time eating pizza with this fat fucking face. 1.00
00:03:56.000 It's not going to look good. 1.00
00:03:58.000 How do you lose that weight, man?
00:03:59.000 You're not so fat. 0.98
00:04:01.000 Yeah, you look pretty fucking skinny today, man. 0.98
00:04:03.000 You do look significantly skinnier today. 0.97
00:04:06.000 I don't know, man.
00:04:08.000 I think you were a little distended yesterday with that pulled pork in your stomach from the night before.
00:04:11.000 The night before the weigh-ins?
00:04:14.000 Weigh-ins, collard greens, pulled pork.
00:04:17.000 Yeah, well...
00:04:21.000 You know what I want, though, seriously?
00:04:22.000 What?
00:04:23.000 It's that longstrand DNA. Oh, you got that longstrand DNA? I have that Mickey Mantle gene.
00:04:27.000 You got that Mickey Mantle gene?
00:04:31.000 I gotta be honest with you, Derek Jeter, you showed a little Mickey Mantle today.
00:04:34.000 How did you get down to 216?
00:04:35.000 What did you do different?
00:04:36.000 That's insane.
00:04:36.000 Do you know what's so funny?
00:04:38.000 You lost another three.
00:04:39.000 He said something in passing, and that's what I did.
00:04:43.000 What?
00:04:43.000 But I just didn't acknowledge it.
00:04:45.000 He goes, I should go to Burke Williams and just sweat it out in the spa.
00:04:48.000 That's what I've been doing for two days. 1.00
00:04:50.000 You fucking dick. 1.00
00:04:51.000 I put Albaline all over my body. 1.00
00:04:53.000 Ooh, that's good.
00:04:54.000 And then I just sat in the steam room.
00:04:55.000 Yesterday and today?
00:04:56.000 Mm-hmm.
00:04:57.000 Good move.
00:04:58.000 Yep.
00:04:58.000 Wow.
00:04:58.000 Here I am running fucking ten miles.
00:05:00.000 So you didn't drink any water, nothing? 0.99
00:05:03.000 No.
00:05:03.000 I did a hot bath last night.
00:05:05.000 I did a two and a half mile track last night.
00:05:07.000 Ooh, wow.
00:05:08.000 Then I did a...
00:05:09.000 Well, I'm saying, I built up a sweat doing that.
00:05:12.000 Then I recovered no water.
00:05:14.000 Then hot bath, Albaline everywhere.
00:05:17.000 No water at all?
00:05:18.000 Not even a little sip?
00:05:19.000 I took a sip...
00:05:20.000 Before bed.
00:05:21.000 After the hot bath.
00:05:23.000 Jesus Christ.
00:05:23.000 Are you serious?
00:05:24.000 Yeah, but I've also had nothing but distilled water for about six days.
00:05:27.000 Wait, what's the benefits of distilled water?
00:05:29.000 There's no minerals or anything.
00:05:30.000 It goes right through your body.
00:05:32.000 It's easier to sweat out.
00:05:34.000 Your body doesn't like to retain it, apparently.
00:05:37.000 A lot of fighters do that before they cut weight.
00:05:39.000 I was so prepared to laugh my ass off at seeing Burt walk into the spot this morning.
00:05:44.000 I was waiting for it.
00:05:45.000 Dude, he said it.
00:05:47.000 I was like, he's going to I reserved spa time at Brook Williams in Sherman Oaks.
00:05:55.000 Both days.
00:05:57.000 I was like, you know what?
00:05:58.000 It's better for me to work it out.
00:05:59.000 Like, I was like, I'll be healthy.
00:06:00.000 I'll work it out.
00:06:01.000 And I'll sweat it out.
00:06:02.000 And then, like, mile five, I stopped sweating.
00:06:04.000 Well, here's the thing about this whole working it out stuff.
00:06:07.000 You're not losing any fat over the next day.
00:06:10.000 You know?
00:06:10.000 Like, it's really just dehydration.
00:06:13.000 And you might have been better off just sweating it out than running it out.
00:06:18.000 Well, I knew I'd hit my baseline.
00:06:19.000 I mean, I wasn't doing this week leading up to it.
00:06:22.000 I just did it night before weigh-ins.
00:06:24.000 Right.
00:06:25.000 Or morning before, you know?
00:06:27.000 Yeah, that's the way to do it.
00:06:28.000 Did you weigh yourself when you got to Burke Williams?
00:06:31.000 No, they didn't have a scale there. 1.00
00:06:33.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00
00:06:34.000 No, but I weighed myself when I woke up. 1.00
00:06:36.000 How do they not have a scale at a spot?
00:06:37.000 I don't know.
00:06:37.000 I don't know.
00:06:38.000 I would have definitely weighed myself there, and then...
00:06:40.000 I knew what I weighed when I woke up yesterday, and then I knew what I weighed here.
00:06:47.000 And I knew what I had done to cut that weight.
00:06:49.000 Wow.
00:06:50.000 So I just kind of repeated that.
00:06:51.000 There was no way.
00:06:51.000 Well, I'll tell you right now, I feel like I was bested all around because there's no way I would have gotten to 214 to win.
00:07:00.000 Yeah.
00:07:01.000 I couldn't have done that.
00:07:03.000 You would have to go below that.
00:07:04.000 Yeah.
00:07:05.000 Because you would have to lose by more than two pounds.
00:07:07.000 You had to lose more than two pounds because he beat you by two pounds yesterday.
00:07:11.000 So it would have to be like more than that.
00:07:13.000 Well, it's clear now because you won both.
00:07:15.000 There's no controversy. 1.00
00:07:16.000 You won both fucking days. 0.99
00:07:17.000 How you feeling, bro? 1.00
00:07:18.000 I feel great.
00:07:19.000 I want to give a shout out to God.
00:07:20.000 None of this is possible.
00:07:23.000 And then Jake Smith.
00:07:26.000 Thank you, Jake.
00:07:27.000 Who's Jake?
00:07:27.000 He's a fighter who gave me all this insight on how to prep for this.
00:07:32.000 Oh, cool, Jake.
00:07:33.000 Cool, Jake. 1.00
00:07:34.000 Go fuck yourself, Jake Smith. 1.00
00:07:38.000 Shout out to... 1.00
00:07:39.000 Pizza, anybody?
00:07:39.000 Oh my god.
00:07:40.000 Can you do this? 1.00
00:07:41.000 Yeah, fuck yeah, I can do this! 0.99
00:07:42.000 Do you want pepperoni or do you want pepperoni and mushrooms? 0.99
00:07:46.000 Pepperoni.
00:07:46.000 Alright, get in there, boys.
00:07:48.000 Get in there.
00:07:49.000 Jesus Christ, Tommy.
00:07:51.000 You'd think you'd hadn't eaten in two days.
00:07:53.000 Both of you guys hadn't eaten in...
00:07:54.000 Well, Tommy... 0.99
00:07:57.000 It's been eaten clean for a long-ass fucking time, not just two days. 0.99
00:08:01.000 I haven't had pizza in fucking forever. 0.99
00:08:03.000 Get us some... 1.00
00:08:04.000 Yeah, there you go.
00:08:05.000 Young Jamie on the ball with paper towels.
00:08:07.000 This is some legit pizza, too, by the way. 1.00
00:08:09.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00
00:08:12.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:08:15.000 This is one of the rare times.
00:08:17.000 I think it's okay to eat pizza into the microphone.
00:08:21.000 Because...
00:08:23.000 People need to appreciate the sacrifice that you two went through as I eat pizza. 0.99
00:08:27.000 Dude, the last few hours were really the fucking worst, man. 0.98
00:08:30.000 Really? 0.99
00:08:31.000 I mean, from waking up.
00:08:33.000 First of all, I woke up with cramps at 3.30.
00:08:37.000 Bad.
00:08:38.000 Bad, like, behind the knee here on the outside.
00:08:42.000 And then a little calf cramp.
00:08:43.000 That kept me up for like 40 minutes.
00:08:46.000 I considered like, you know, you start thinking about maybe I should drink some water and...
00:08:50.000 Yeah, it's a dehydration clamp.
00:08:51.000 Yeah.
00:08:51.000 You think, you know, you could drink a whole one of these and you still would have won by three pounds.
00:08:56.000 Well, I didn't even...
00:08:58.000 You probably could have drank four of them and still won.
00:09:01.000 I was just like... 1.00
00:09:03.000 Fuck. 1.00
00:09:03.000 And then you go, and then I was just counting down the hours. 1.00
00:09:05.000 So I spent the, you know, I get my son with Christina, we spend time with him, do breakfast, and I'd look, and it'd be like 7.30. 0.99
00:09:14.000 And I was like, oh, fuck, 8.30, 9.30. 0.98
00:09:17.000 Just counting it down, man. 1.00
00:09:19.000 And then in that spa, sweating out, doing like 10 minutes in, 5 minutes out, 10 minutes in, 5 minutes out.
00:09:26.000 And then I'm in there alone, and the attendant comes in with a big glass of coal.
00:09:31.000 He says, I thought you might want a glass of water.
00:09:33.000 And he handed me a coal glass of water. 1.00
00:09:37.000 Motherfucker. 1.00
00:09:37.000 And you look like a psycho pouring it out. 1.00
00:09:40.000 Oh, well, I waited for him to leave, and I threw it away. 0.98
00:09:42.000 Like, angrily threw it away.
00:09:43.000 Just pissed that I can't drink it. 0.99
00:09:46.000 Yeah, I was fucking losing my mind. 0.95
00:09:48.000 You really get to the place, like today on the treadmill, I was literally chewing ice and spitting it out into a shirt, and I thought, I know what those people feel like when they dive deeper in the ocean. 0.97
00:09:59.000 They go, there's fresh water 10 feet below!
00:10:01.000 You know those people that lose their minds out to sea?
00:10:04.000 You ever heard of those people?
00:10:05.000 No.
00:10:06.000 They think there's fresh water below ocean water?
00:10:08.000 Yeah, people who are stranded at sea, you always hear the guy that jumps in and he's like, guys, there's fresh water 10 feet below.
00:10:15.000 And they dive down below and drink seawater and die and go crazy.
00:10:19.000 I know that feeling.
00:10:20.000 I don't know it to that extent, but man, I could empathize with it on that treadmill today.
00:10:25.000 I was like, I just want to cheat.
00:10:27.000 I want water. 0.95
00:10:28.000 I want water so fucking bad. 0.99
00:10:30.000 Can you imagine the mindfuck of being surrounded by water as far as the eye can see, and you're dying of thirst? 0.99
00:10:38.000 Remember I Survived? 0.92
00:10:40.000 That series?
00:10:41.000 Yeah.
00:10:42.000 Man, it was phenomenal.
00:10:44.000 If people haven't seen it, they did a series where people who were in extreme, life-threatening, near-death situations and made it.
00:10:53.000 Sometimes they were kidnapped, assaulted, sometimes they were in accidents, sometimes they're stranded at sea.
00:10:59.000 And there was one where this guy, they were stranded off somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico.
00:11:05.000 And boat overturns, and it's just this guy and his buddy.
00:11:10.000 And he said, like, you know, he's telling the story.
00:11:13.000 And as it progresses...
00:11:15.000 He's seeing his friend kind of slip away, and the friend eventually drinks ocean water, and he's telling him not to do it, but he's so far gone.
00:11:26.000 And then it just accelerates the friend's death, and the friend died.
00:11:29.000 What happens when you drink ocean water?
00:11:31.000 You go crazy.
00:11:32.000 Your body craves more water.
00:11:33.000 You've just, I think...
00:11:35.000 Because of all the salt?
00:11:36.000 Yeah.
00:11:36.000 I think it makes you actually go crazy.
00:11:38.000 Whoa.
00:11:39.000 I've seen it.
00:11:39.000 I think growing up in Florida, you always hear stories of people.
00:11:42.000 Well, it has the opposite effect.
00:11:43.000 It doesn't hydrate you.
00:11:45.000 How crazy is that?
00:11:47.000 Just a little salt.
00:11:48.000 Anybody want more pizza? 1.00
00:11:50.000 You know you do, bitch. 1.00
00:11:51.000 Get in there. 1.00
00:11:52.000 It's one day.
00:11:52.000 Come on, Tom.
00:11:52.000 You already won.
00:11:53.000 It's one day, bitch. 1.00
00:11:53.000 I'm fat. 1.00
00:11:54.000 You're not. 0.83
00:11:55.000 I'm so fat.
00:11:56.000 You lost a lot of weight, Bert.
00:11:58.000 Plus, you're an inch taller.
00:11:59.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:12:01.000 Yeah, you're super tall.
00:12:02.000 I'll take that one.
00:12:03.000 Thanks, buddy.
00:12:04.000 Sure.
00:12:04.000 This pizza's so good.
00:12:06.000 This pizza really is phenomenal.
00:12:08.000 So how do we shame Ari if he decides to welch out on this bet? 1.00
00:12:12.000 He will.
00:12:12.000 He's going to.
00:12:14.000 You think so?
00:12:15.000 I'm just going to state right now that I'm paying for it.
00:12:19.000 Whatever the cost is for the trip, I will take care of it.
00:12:25.000 Well, you guys are on my podcast.
00:12:27.000 I feel like...
00:12:28.000 Oh, and Ari, eh, he doesn't owe me anything. 1.00
00:12:31.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:12:32.000 He'll give me some weed. 1.00
00:12:35.000 He called me yesterday after the podcast in an Ari rage.
00:12:39.000 You're bringing in a ruler tomorrow.
00:12:41.000 Well, we did.
00:12:42.000 We measured him.
00:12:43.000 We already did.
00:12:44.000 We filmed it.
00:12:44.000 We measured it.
00:12:45.000 We'll upload it later.
00:12:46.000 He's just under six feet.
00:12:47.000 He's just under six feet.
00:12:48.000 You're still below overweight.
00:12:50.000 Yeah.
00:12:50.000 Yeah.
00:12:52.000 Ari's crazy. 1.00
00:12:53.000 I gotta be honest with you.
00:12:53.000 When we started this, I was concerned about height.
00:12:56.000 Because I was like, I don't know if we're like, I don't know what I am at the end of the day.
00:13:00.000 I don't know when we're going to measure me.
00:13:01.000 I know that I'm 6'1 when I go to the doctor.
00:13:03.000 But like, I don't know what, you know, you just get scared.
00:13:05.000 And then that difference in overweight versus obese is like 6 pounds.
00:13:09.000 From 6'1 to 6 foot, it's 227 to 220. And that's what made me nervous.
00:13:16.000 That's a big difference.
00:13:17.000 But either way, Ari's wrong.
00:13:19.000 Either way, even at just under six feet.
00:13:21.000 Tom is a little bit over 5'11 and three quarters, right?
00:13:27.000 Yeah, so it's just under six feet.
00:13:28.000 Yeah, just under six feet.
00:13:31.000 I think you'd have to be like 220 to be considered over, right?
00:13:35.000 No, more than that.
00:13:37.000 What is the find out, young Jamie?
00:13:40.000 The thing is, if you put in 5'11...
00:13:44.000 That's leaning the other way.
00:13:45.000 You know what I mean?
00:13:46.000 Yeah, it doesn't do it.
00:13:47.000 It's not fair.
00:13:48.000 Okay, here it goes.
00:13:49.000 Does it do it?
00:13:52.000 216?
00:13:54.000 Right?
00:13:55.000 That's where I was.
00:13:56.000 Six feet?
00:13:56.000 Yeah.
00:13:57.000 You were 216?
00:13:58.000 Yeah, that's my goal weight.
00:13:58.000 So 29.3 is overweight.
00:14:02.000 If you put 511, it'll say obese, though.
00:14:07.000 Yeah, 511. Why 011?
00:14:09.000 Yeah.
00:14:10.000 5'11, obese.
00:14:11.000 Wow, you're like on the cusp.
00:14:13.000 Yeah.
00:14:14.000 Wait, if you're 5'11, you'd still be obese?
00:14:16.000 Yeah, 216. But it's all bullshit, right? 1.00
00:14:18.000 Because I'm obese. 0.99
00:14:21.000 But my point is, if he was being a stickler about this, you'd have to find out what it is at 511.8, to be fair.
00:14:31.000 Can you type in 511.8?
00:14:32.000 No.
00:14:33.000 Can you put in...
00:14:35.000 What are you at 6 feet?
00:14:39.000 You're not obese at 6 feet?
00:14:41.000 No.
00:14:41.000 That's crazy that one inch you're obese.
00:14:43.000 511, you're normal.
00:14:45.000 At 611, you'd be normal, Tom.
00:14:48.000 So there you go.
00:14:50.000 Whatever, man.
00:14:50.000 But again, obviously that body mass index doesn't count.
00:14:54.000 You do have a lot of muscle. 0.98
00:14:55.000 You do do a lot of weight lifting and shit. 0.99
00:14:57.000 I watched a little bit of our podcast yesterday. 0.99
00:15:00.000 That's where I'm going.
00:15:01.000 Muscle. 1.00
00:15:03.000 I'm losing toenails on this running shit. 0.99
00:15:06.000 Well, if you put muscle on, the other thing is you lose fat. 1.00
00:15:09.000 Your body starts burning it off.
00:15:10.000 Your body has more calorie requirements.
00:15:12.000 You have more body mass, more muscle mass.
00:15:16.000 So if you actually put more muscle on, you'll burn off more and you can eat more.
00:15:21.000 I think I'm going to start doing CrossFit pretty aggressively.
00:15:24.000 I'm really looking for this fresh-faced look to inspire me to work out.
00:15:27.000 Fresh-faced look?
00:15:30.000 With no beard.
00:15:30.000 With no beard, yeah.
00:15:32.000 Okay, here we go.
00:15:33.000 For the information you entered, 5 feet 11.5 inches, weight 216 pounds, your body mass is 29.7, indicating you're overweight.
00:15:40.000 So even with an extra one quarter of an inch against you, so you're a quarter inch taller than that, you win.
00:15:47.000 So Ari's wrong, again. 1.00
00:15:49.000 So Ari, if you want to be a cheap fuck... 1.00
00:15:52.000 I'm paying for the trip, you fucking twat. 1.00
00:15:55.000 No, don't pay for it. 1.00
00:15:56.000 No, I'm gonna.
00:15:56.000 Let him pay for it.
00:15:57.000 Nah, he's not gonna.
00:15:59.000 That's terrible.
00:16:00.000 That's terrible.
00:16:01.000 Ari and I are different humans.
00:16:03.000 Are you coming then, Joe?
00:16:04.000 Yeah, I'm the exact opposite.
00:16:05.000 Will you come?
00:16:05.000 I can't.
00:16:06.000 Why not?
00:16:06.000 I'm too busy.
00:16:07.000 Come on. 0.99
00:16:08.000 I'm not going to fucking Paris. 0.99
00:16:10.000 For 48 hours? 0.99
00:16:11.000 Yeah, especially for soccer. 1.00
00:16:13.000 Fuck off. 1.00
00:16:15.000 I wouldn't go to Paris for a UFC fight. 1.00
00:16:17.000 Really? 0.99
00:16:18.000 If we have fucking soccer. 1.00
00:16:19.000 You really wouldn't? 1.00
00:16:20.000 What, to get a croissant?
00:16:21.000 I get that at Starbucks.
00:16:24.000 Right here in good ol' America.
00:16:25.000 Come on, we'll go sit at a cafe and write like Henry Rollins.
00:16:31.000 You mock those world traveler people. 1.00
00:16:34.000 Bird travels so much that traveling to him is like, fuck you. 1.00
00:16:37.000 I'm so dead inside about travel. 1.00
00:16:40.000 It's like putting gas in your car to him.
00:16:42.000 Oh, great Burma. 0.94
00:16:45.000 I had a month where I went to Italy three times.
00:16:49.000 I went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. 1.00
00:16:52.000 I was like, fuck Italy. 1.00
00:16:54.000 Are you still doing TV? You're still doing any TV shows like that? 1.00
00:16:57.000 Or are you done?
00:16:58.000 I'm never done.
00:16:59.000 I'm never done.
00:17:00.000 Never?
00:17:00.000 I mean, my relationship with travel is always open.
00:17:03.000 I like them.
00:17:03.000 I dig them.
00:17:04.000 They're cool to me.
00:17:05.000 They've always been cool to me.
00:17:06.000 And I'll always work for them if it's a project that we both collaborate on and we're into.
00:17:11.000 What I'm done doing right now is the kind of stuff where they call up and they're like, we need you in Hawaii tomorrow.
00:17:16.000 Oh, right.
00:17:17.000 Because that was really messing up my touring.
00:17:19.000 And I couldn't really commit to any dates because they'd be like...
00:17:22.000 Because you didn't want to turn it down.
00:17:23.000 You'd be in New Zealand and they'd be like, hey, would you go to Fiji for this weekend to party with this chef?
00:17:28.000 And you'd be like, yeah.
00:17:29.000 And I was into that at the time.
00:17:31.000 And they're like, but Hartford...
00:17:32.000 They're expecting you.
00:17:33.000 Yeah, Hartford, come on. 0.97
00:17:34.000 Jackie's got press lined up in Hartford. 1.00
00:17:36.000 Fuck Hartford, too, by the way. 1.00
00:17:37.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:17:38.000 There's some places that I just don't go.
00:17:40.000 You don't go to Hartford?
00:17:41.000 I don't go to Hartford.
00:17:42.000 By the way, that's the one thing I should have listened to, Tom Segura.
00:17:44.000 Tom Segura, when Tom and I, I'd say we're at the same level in our career, probably. 0.99
00:17:51.000 Tom had told me, there's a bunch of places you should say to go fuck themselves. 0.99
00:17:55.000 And he would name them, and I'd be like, oh, come on, man. 0.99
00:17:58.000 That's not a bad place. 1.00
00:17:59.000 And he'd be like, no, fuck that place. 1.00
00:18:00.000 They suck. 1.00
00:18:01.000 Their GM sucks. 1.00
00:18:02.000 Their manager sucks. 1.00
00:18:03.000 Their staff sucks. 1.00
00:18:04.000 The crowd suck. 1.00
00:18:05.000 The press sucks. 1.00
00:18:06.000 And I'd go, and I was this company man. 0.99
00:18:09.000 Like, I remember talking to your wife about it.
00:18:11.000 I was such a company man.
00:18:12.000 Yeah.
00:18:13.000 Man, I should have listened.
00:18:14.000 Yeah, I'm not a big fan of going to Connecticut.
00:18:16.000 I like people in Connecticut, but I just feel like Connecticut has a feeling, and I'm so sorry if you listen from Connecticut.
00:18:21.000 One of my best friends, Tommy Jr., lives in Connecticut.
00:18:24.000 I love Connecticut people.
00:18:25.000 Pool player?
00:18:26.000 Yeah, my pool player friend.
00:18:26.000 Yeah, I know that guy.
00:18:27.000 But the bottom line is, Connecticut is filled with despair.
00:18:31.000 Yeah.
00:18:31.000 It's not a real state.
00:18:33.000 It's a highway.
00:18:34.000 Yeah.
00:18:34.000 Between New York and Boston.
00:18:36.000 You know it's a highway.
00:18:37.000 You guys put houses on a highway.
00:18:40.000 This is what it is. 0.99
00:18:40.000 It's a highway, and then along the highway, it's a bunch of fucking tax-sheltering cunts that live in Manhattan and then have these palatial estates in Greenwich. 0.99
00:18:51.000 That's definitely true. 1.00
00:18:51.000 Young Jamie digging in on that pizza. 1.00
00:18:53.000 Can't help himself.
00:18:54.000 Look at it.
00:18:54.000 It's so good.
00:18:55.000 We only cracked the top pizza, too. 0.99
00:18:57.000 We've got two more below that, bitch. 1.00
00:18:59.000 One of them is mushrooms. 1.00
00:19:00.000 Oh, yeah, baby.
00:19:01.000 I'm getting sick.
00:19:02.000 I need to start drinking.
00:19:03.000 I feel sick, too.
00:19:04.000 Oh, start drinking, then.
00:19:05.000 Well, let's do that.
00:19:06.000 Is there ice in there?
00:19:07.000 Yeah, there's ice.
00:19:08.000 We got glasses.
00:19:10.000 Yeah, we got the whole deal.
00:19:12.000 And bring out the Jack Daniels, too, young Jamie.
00:19:14.000 We got that type of vodka.
00:19:17.000 What is it that you like?
00:19:18.000 What is it?
00:19:19.000 Tito's.
00:19:19.000 Tito's.
00:19:20.000 Hey, what is it about you that... 1.00
00:19:23.000 Is so confident to tell people to go fuck themselves. 1.00
00:19:26.000 Well, I don't think I tell people to go fuck themselves. 1.00
00:19:28.000 No, but like, to me and you, like, you know me, you know the conversation we've had a million times. 0.99
00:19:32.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:19:33.000 What is it about you that makes you go, fuck them? 1.00
00:19:37.000 Like, do you remember that one place in Ohio that you went to and you were just like, fuck them. 1.00
00:19:43.000 I'll never go there again. 0.99
00:19:44.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:19:45.000 I'm not that guy.
00:19:46.000 I'm so the guy that you can step all over and then I go...
00:19:49.000 I go, oh, you know what?
00:19:50.000 Why do you think that is, though?
00:19:52.000 About me?
00:19:52.000 Yeah.
00:19:53.000 Because I've talked shit about people like that, and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. 0.99
00:19:58.000 It always comes back like, I see them next time and they're like, hey man, it's so good to see you! 1.00
00:20:02.000 And I'm like, fuck. 0.99
00:20:04.000 Wait, so that's why... 0.99
00:20:06.000 That's why I stopped having firm views about things, especially about clubs.
00:20:10.000 Because I was like, it was a bad weekend, but maybe it was me.
00:20:12.000 You know, I always take the blame on me.
00:20:14.000 I don't ever go like...
00:20:15.000 You've always been accurate at doing that, too. 1.00
00:20:18.000 Going, fuck that club, fuck that guy, fuck him, I'll never work with him again. 1.00
00:20:21.000 Well, I think I'm just reasonable. 1.00
00:20:23.000 So I feel like, you know, if I give like a...
00:20:27.000 If I feel like something sucks, I feel like I have a pretty good take on it.
00:20:30.000 I feel the same way.
00:20:32.000 I'm not going to be... 0.97
00:20:33.000 We know in comedy there's a lot of irrational people and there's a lot of comedians that bullshit about everything, including how the show went. 0.85
00:20:46.000 I feel like I'm a realist and I have a pretty good... 0.97
00:20:48.000 No, you do.
00:20:49.000 I trust myself on it.
00:20:50.000 And you always tell me when you have bad sets.
00:20:52.000 Yeah.
00:20:53.000 Like, what was that thing in Canada, that thing that went down in Canada?
00:20:55.000 Oh, I listened to that.
00:20:56.000 That's so good.
00:20:58.000 My Winnipeg bombing.
00:20:59.000 And you played that video, right?
00:21:00.000 I played the audio.
00:21:01.000 Yeah.
00:21:02.000 On your podcast.
00:21:03.000 The best line was, what did the owner say to you when you got done? 1.00
00:21:07.000 Fuck, I don't know. 1.00
00:21:08.000 You got off stage and he goes, are you going to sell shirts? 1.00
00:21:10.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:21:11.000 He's like, are you gonna sell fucking merch? 0.99
00:21:13.000 I was like, I don't hear this show, yeah. 1.00
00:21:15.000 Save it, buddy.
00:21:16.000 They booed me offstage.
00:21:18.000 I think your take on it was accurate, though, that you're a very reasonable person. 1.00
00:21:24.000 I always say that, too, that if I don't like you, you're most likely a cunt. 1.00
00:21:30.000 Definitely. 1.00
00:21:30.000 Because I'm really nice. 1.00
00:21:31.000 I'm really nice, and I give people a chance.
00:21:33.000 And I get along with almost everybody.
00:21:35.000 Almost everybody.
00:21:35.000 Do we have any Coke, Jamie?
00:21:37.000 Or Diet Coke, rather?
00:21:39.000 Either way, I'll take regular coke. 1.00
00:21:42.000 If I'm like, fuck that guy, there's no way he's pretty cool. 1.00
00:21:47.000 And the club, if I go, fuck that club, I'm telling you, man, I don't do that lightly. 1.00
00:21:52.000 There's got to be some real egregious shit on their part to earn that. 1.00
00:21:56.000 Maybe that's it. 1.00
00:21:57.000 Maybe that I'm a little bit of an internal dick. 0.99
00:22:00.000 No, you know what it is? 0.99
00:22:01.000 You're more of, like, between the three of us, you're definitely more of a people pleaser. 0.99
00:22:07.000 Oh, hard fucking core. 0.99
00:22:10.000 Thanks, buddy. 0.99
00:22:11.000 And that's just like a thing about you.
00:22:13.000 And it's why people, like, of the three of us, you know, more people would say, like, what a fun time it was hanging with you. 0.97
00:22:22.000 Yeah, retards. 1.00
00:22:25.000 A bunch of retards. 1.00
00:22:26.000 Bert was the best. 1.00
00:22:27.000 He let me lick his feet.
00:22:28.000 It was awesome.
00:22:34.000 I don't even know where that came from.
00:22:35.000 By the way, that's just so close to real.
00:22:38.000 I don't know where it came from, though. 0.91
00:22:39.000 Bert, do you mind if I lick your feet? 0.67
00:22:40.000 It's been my dream. 0.96
00:22:41.000 I'd be like, okay.
00:22:43.000 Guy's got a purple bracelet on.
00:22:45.000 He's got a wrist bandana.
00:22:48.000 He's got a wrist bandana.
00:22:50.000 Someone who leaves the house and ties a bandana on their wrist.
00:22:53.000 Like one of those ones that people put on their dog. 0.99
00:22:55.000 That is so fucking me. 1.00
00:22:57.000 Bert let me lick his feet. 1.00
00:22:59.000 You know that's going to be coming up nonstop on this tour? 0.93
00:23:03.000 Bert, can I lick your feet? 1.00
00:23:05.000 Fuck it. 1.00
00:23:05.000 I got flip-flops on. 1.00
00:23:07.000 Whatever.
00:23:08.000 Let's do it.
00:23:08.000 Let's do it.
00:23:09.000 Yeah.
00:23:10.000 Well, you know, you're a real nice guy, Bert. 0.61
00:23:11.000 You know, and that's why, I mean, you and I have had some conversations before where you've called me up and told me that someone was a dick to you or something that went wrong.
00:23:18.000 And I get angry because I know what a nice guy you are.
00:23:21.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:23:21.000 So when that happens, I know, well, that guy's a piece of shit. 1.00
00:23:24.000 You know, we know the one that we were talking about recently. 1.00
00:23:26.000 I was like, well, fuck that guy. 1.00
00:23:28.000 I cut that guy off. 1.00
00:23:29.000 And I haven't talked to that guy since that conversation, too.
00:23:31.000 I'm like...
00:23:33.000 Because it's just, if you're a mean person for no reason, it's the only thing if you fucked up something or you did something bad, but there's a lot of people in this business, in comedy in particular, that you don't get the true wire from them.
00:23:50.000 It's hard to figure out what exactly went on.
00:23:52.000 They'll tell you something, and then you've got to throw it through a filter.
00:23:55.000 Yeah.
00:23:56.000 That's the worst, right? 1.00
00:23:57.000 Like, this guy was a piece of shit, and the show was going great, and then you talk to the guy like, no, no, no, he was bombing, and he was drunk, and he shit on the stage. 1.00
00:24:06.000 There's nothing like the fibbing that goes on in stand-up. 1.00
00:24:10.000 I mean, to get an accurate thing, you have to know, you have to trust the source.
00:24:14.000 Yes.
00:24:15.000 It's very...
00:24:16.000 That's why I've always been like, how did your show go?
00:24:18.000 Okay.
00:24:19.000 I'm never telling anyone I killed.
00:24:21.000 I don't think I've told anyone I murdered.
00:24:23.000 Well, you've told me it went great if it went great.
00:24:25.000 There's nothing wrong with saying you had a great show if it actually was a great show.
00:24:29.000 It was a great show, yeah.
00:24:30.000 But for me, what my...
00:24:32.000 I usually say they're awesome.
00:24:33.000 Cheers, gentlemen.
00:24:34.000 Cheers.
00:24:34.000 Hey, guys.
00:24:35.000 Cheers, brother.
00:24:36.000 Hang on one second.
00:24:37.000 At the end of the day.
00:24:37.000 Joe, thank you.
00:24:38.000 Yeah, thank you, Joe.
00:24:39.000 Tommy, thank you.
00:24:39.000 Thank you.
00:24:40.000 If you hadn't started fat shaming me, I wouldn't be healthier today.
00:24:44.000 Cheers.
00:24:45.000 And if I wasn't scared that it was going to backfire horribly, I wouldn't have done some work, too.
00:24:53.000 Well, that's true. 0.99
00:24:54.000 Sometimes talking shit makes you work harder. 1.00
00:24:56.000 Yeah, absolutely. 1.00
00:24:57.000 You really were forced into a position.
00:24:59.000 I love you, buddy.
00:25:00.000 I love you, bro.
00:25:00.000 I love you, too, Tommy.
00:25:01.000 I love both you guys.
00:25:02.000 Love you, Joe.
00:25:03.000 Love you, too, buddy.
00:25:08.000 No, I feel the same way, though. 1.00
00:25:09.000 I feel like if anyone is a dick to Burt, you're a particularly special cunt. 1.00
00:25:14.000 Exactly. 1.00
00:25:15.000 Because he is such a nice guy, and I know people are like, wait, didn't you just fat shame him like an asshole? 0.99
00:25:20.000 But I love him, and it was different. 0.99
00:25:22.000 Yeah, but you guys were all in on it.
00:25:24.000 That's the thing. 0.99
00:25:26.000 Kind of what we talked about yesterday, where so many people were like, yeah, fuck Burt. 0.99
00:25:29.000 I'm like, no, no, no, you're missing the whole thing. 0.99
00:25:31.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:25:32.000 The whole thing is silliness.
00:25:33.000 By the way, there was some particularly mean comments.
00:25:36.000 That I came across over the last 24 hours, too, where I'm like, Jesus, man.
00:25:41.000 I'm sure.
00:25:41.000 Look, I don't even read Instagram anymore.
00:25:43.000 Really?
00:25:44.000 Yeah, because the comments there seem so much more active than anywhere else.
00:25:47.000 Well, if you go to Instagram, you'll see so many people with blocked accounts.
00:25:52.000 That's one thing that Instagram does that I think.
00:25:54.000 I really firmly believe that if you have a blocked account, you shouldn't be able to comment on other people's accounts. 0.97
00:26:00.000 Because all these people have blocked accounts, and then they talk mad shit on other people's accounts. 0.87
00:26:05.000 And it's just an anonymity thing because you can't lash back at them. 0.93
00:26:08.000 I can't believe how many private accounts there are. 1.00
00:26:11.000 Just pussies. 0.99
00:26:12.000 Someone told me to do that very early on. 1.00
00:26:14.000 They're like, hey, make your account private.
00:26:15.000 That way you'll get more people wanting to follow you. 1.00
00:26:19.000 Bullshit. 1.00
00:26:19.000 I was like, eh. 1.00
00:26:21.000 That's a dummy's idea.
00:26:22.000 The whole thing what they're doing is, look, there's a lot of people that don't want you looking at pictures of them, which is fine. 0.96
00:26:28.000 But if those same people will go on other people's accounts and start shitting on them, which is what you get a lot, then you get a lot of fake accounts where you go and they have no posts, no pictures, but they're commenting left and right on all these other people's accounts. 1.00
00:26:40.000 And how many borderline and even obviously fat guys comment about how they're like, you're fat fuck, and you go to their profile like, you're fatter than shit, man. 1.00
00:26:51.000 And so is your mother that's in the photo with you. 1.00
00:26:53.000 Like, you're both fat. 1.00
00:26:54.000 Brendan Shaw was talking about the other day that he had some guy just post some really nasty shit about him. 0.99
00:26:59.000 And he went to the guy's page, and the guy has a kid, and the guy's holding his baby up, and he's like, hey, dude, you're a dad. 0.98
00:27:06.000 You have a baby.
00:27:07.000 What are you doing?
00:27:09.000 What kind of example are you shedding?
00:27:10.000 What kind of vibes are you putting out there in the universe that might eventually bounce back down onto your daughter? 0.97
00:27:16.000 I've always wondered what comics, and I could probably guess them, have set up troll accounts to fuck with other comics. 0.82
00:27:25.000 Oh, did you know that a lot of times- How many Brandon Walsh has? 0.56
00:27:27.000 Is that what you said?
00:27:27.000 I think Brandon Walsh is different!
00:27:29.000 But that's Brandon Walsh's whole thing.
00:27:31.000 It's half as fun.
00:27:32.000 Yeah.
00:27:33.000 But there was a comic that got busted recently commenting on his own stuff about- How good it is?
00:27:39.000 Yeah, saying how funny he was and you know- Who did that? 0.98
00:27:41.000 Shut up! 1.00
00:27:43.000 Who did that? 1.00
00:27:44.000 He fucked up on Facebook and he forgot he logged in under his write account instead of his troll account. 0.99
00:27:51.000 Oh, that's great. 0.98
00:27:52.000 And Jamie was talking about an ESPN guy that got busted, or a Fox Sports guy that got busted doing that.
00:27:57.000 Yeah, Skip Bayless got busted doing it.
00:27:59.000 He did it?
00:27:59.000 Skip Bayless?
00:28:00.000 What'd he do?
00:28:02.000 That guy's a dummy anyway, because I saw him, he was commenting about fighting, some MMA thing.
00:28:07.000 I was like, is it something about when guys comment on MMA and they don't know what they're talking about? 0.92
00:28:11.000 It's like me commenting on hockey.
00:28:13.000 Yeah.
00:28:14.000 I can't even ice skate.
00:28:16.000 MMA is a weird thing because, specifically the UFC, is that I feel like I can say certifiably I was in the zeitgeist when it blew up.
00:28:28.000 I was there when it started blowing up.
00:28:30.000 And even more importantly, I was doing your podcast when it started blowing up.
00:28:34.000 Look at this.
00:28:35.000 Skip, you are the man!
00:28:37.000 Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
00:28:40.000 Love the new show on FS1. Three exclamation points.
00:28:44.000 And then the first comment is, W-A-T, what?
00:28:47.000 Oh my god, this really counts.
00:28:49.000 I love that people write what like that.
00:28:52.000 Yeah.
00:28:53.000 I love that what meme.
00:28:55.000 Have you ever seen that what meme with the lady that looks like, you know what I'm talking about? 1.00
00:29:00.000 And it just says, I think it says W-A-T or W-U-T. I like U-T. I use U-T. That one is my, this is like one of my favorite internet memes for what?
00:29:11.000 Oh, by the way, I can't watch hunting shows anymore because of you.
00:29:14.000 Because of glassing?
00:29:14.000 Because every time people are glassing, we're glassing this ridge, I just start laughing.
00:29:18.000 I'm alone in my house, my wife's like, what are you laughing at? 1.00
00:29:20.000 I'm like, eh, you're not gonna...
00:29:21.000 Do you know what his podcast has done?
00:29:24.000 This is very specific.
00:29:26.000 But do you ever have, like, a...
00:29:29.000 When you're made into a meme?
00:29:31.000 That girl? 0.97
00:29:31.000 Is it that girl? 0.97
00:29:33.000 W-A-T? Just look up W-A-T or W-U-T. And it's like a woman, I think. 1.00
00:29:41.000 Kind of big girl.
00:29:42.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:29:43.000 That one.
00:29:44.000 That's my favorite one.
00:29:45.000 Oh my god.
00:29:46.000 What?
00:29:51.000 What? 0.99
00:29:51.000 There's some fucking horrible ones that are doing Ronda Rousey in 10 years. 0.99
00:29:55.000 Have you seen the Ronda Rousey in 10 years ones? 0.99
00:29:57.000 Is that where she's getting hit? 0.96
00:29:59.000 No, there's a bunch of really obese, trashy women, and one of them is screaming at some kid to get her a lemonade. 1.00
00:30:06.000 Give me a fucking lemonade! 1.00
00:30:07.000 Did you see the Ronda Rousey Radiohead cover? 1.00
00:30:10.000 No.
00:30:11.000 Here she is, right here.
00:30:17.000 Is that real?
00:30:18.000 No.
00:30:19.000 No, that's definitely not.
00:30:20.000 It seems fake, right?
00:30:20.000 Yeah, it's fake.
00:30:21.000 It seems fake.
00:30:22.000 There's a picture of Ronda Rousey getting knocked out, and then the radio head cover, and they look identical.
00:30:28.000 Can you pull that up, Jamie?
00:30:31.000 Rough times.
00:30:32.000 Yeah.
00:30:33.000 Rough times in the house of Rousey.
00:30:35.000 I've never been that down in my life.
00:30:36.000 I don't know how down that she feels, but I've been down.
00:30:39.000 It's salad days, man.
00:30:40.000 Well, it's a thing...
00:30:43.000 Fighting is a different thing.
00:30:45.000 Like losing in a basketball game.
00:30:47.000 Oh, wow.
00:30:48.000 Wow.
00:30:50.000 But that seems like she's winning there.
00:30:51.000 That's her laughing.
00:30:52.000 That Radiohead won.
00:30:54.000 It's her winning.
00:30:55.000 There's one of her getting knocked out.
00:30:56.000 It's the same picture.
00:30:56.000 There's one right there, the head kick one.
00:30:58.000 Oh, God.
00:30:59.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
00:31:01.000 What's really crazy is how just a year and a couple months ago, she was on top of the world.
00:31:07.000 It's that kind of an adjustment that's almost impossible for a regular person to comprehend.
00:31:11.000 Other than death or a loss like that...
00:31:14.000 There's very few events in your life where your life will completely shift upside down. 0.99
00:31:20.000 But even in death, if someone you're close to that you care about dies, other people are sympathetic and they care about you and they don't treat you like you're a piece of shit because someone died. 0.97
00:31:32.000 So in a lot of ways, fighting is its own completely unique kind of loss because it's the only time where people openly mock you For your loss. 0.96
00:31:45.000 I've never seen people openly mock someone as much as it seems like they're mocking Rhonda.
00:31:50.000 In their defense, in the people that are mocking, first of all, she did a lot of things that invited this.
00:32:00.000 If you ever watched The Ultimate Fighter with her and Misha Tate, she was...
00:32:05.000 Ridiculous in sticking the finger at Misha Tate, and after the fight she wouldn't shake Misha Tate's hand.
00:32:11.000 There was a lot of anti-sportsmanship. 0.87
00:32:15.000 Didn't she do that on the home fight, also not touch gloves? 0.99
00:32:18.000 Yes.
00:32:20.000 She touched gloves in this fight.
00:32:22.000 She touched gloves at the beginning, but she didn't touch gloves before the fight actually started.
00:32:27.000 She touched gloves at the stare down, which I thought was like, wow, that's interesting.
00:32:31.000 Maybe her head's in a good place.
00:32:33.000 And then she didn't touch gloves afterwards.
00:32:37.000 Do you think the world will turn on Conor McGregor when he loses for the...
00:32:40.000 They did.
00:32:41.000 The world turned on him when he did.
00:32:43.000 But the world respected him in a massive way because he jumped right back into the fray, and then he won.
00:32:48.000 And he also was fighting at a way different weight, right?
00:32:51.000 He was.
00:32:52.000 He was fighting at a different weight, but everybody keeps chiming in on this, including the UFC. They say that, you know, Nate's a 170. Bullshit.
00:32:59.000 Nate Diaz fought 170 twice in the UFC against Dong Young Kim and against Roy McDonald, and both times he was too small and got ragdolled. 0.99
00:33:10.000 He's not a 170. The reason why he's not a 170 is... 0.86
00:33:14.000 He's been fighting at 155 successfully his whole career.
00:33:17.000 And his fight before the Conor McGregor fight, he fought Michael Johnson at 155 and looked fantastic.
00:33:23.000 Nate is a 155-pound fighter.
00:33:26.000 That's the weight class.
00:33:27.000 What's Conor?
00:33:28.000 Conor's right now the champ at 155. But they're different in size in that Conor can make 145, Nate can't make 145. So Conor can dehydrate himself down another 10 pounds, Nate can't.
00:33:39.000 That's insane.
00:33:40.000 He probably can't anymore because Conor's put on a little bit of bulk.
00:33:43.000 And now he's fighting at 155. I'm sure he feels much more comfortable and healthy there.
00:33:47.000 He doesn't want to go down to 145 again.
00:33:49.000 But Nate is almost physically incapable.
00:33:51.000 I mean, he would have to look like he's on death's door. 1.00
00:33:53.000 This shit is brutal, by the way. 1.00
00:33:54.000 I can't emphasize how horrible... 1.00
00:33:57.000 The last couple days have been.
00:33:59.000 And I mean, this is obviously a modified version.
00:34:02.000 Like, we're not pros.
00:34:03.000 We don't really know.
00:34:05.000 You look way better, both of you do, than a lot of guys do when they weigh in.
00:34:09.000 So whatever you drained out of your body that was so hard is nothing.
00:34:12.000 That's what I'm saying.
00:34:13.000 That's what I'm saying.
00:34:14.000 I peed in the shower, and it was like motor oil.
00:34:16.000 Yeah.
00:34:16.000 Oh, really?
00:34:17.000 Dude, it was orange. 1.00
00:34:19.000 It was orange, and it was just like my dick spit chewing tobacco. 1.00
00:34:24.000 It was bad. 0.99
00:34:25.000 There's a meme right there. 1.00
00:34:26.000 This morning, and I went, I cannot wait to get fluid in my body, and my dick go home. 0.99
00:34:31.000 You started to really fantasize about it, too. 1.00
00:34:33.000 Your mind really starts playing tricks on you. 1.00
00:34:35.000 That's the fucking crazy thing. 1.00
00:34:37.000 I watched that Chris Cyborg weight loss thing again. 0.99
00:34:41.000 Yeah, that was a horrible one.
00:34:43.000 And that one ESPN covered pretty extensively.
00:34:46.000 Oh, by the way, back to the Skip Bayless nonsense.
00:34:51.000 That's one of the things I think about. 0.99
00:34:52.000 One time I asked you, like, how do you fucking know so much? 0.79
00:34:56.000 About this MMA stuff, and you go, it's the only thing occupying that space in my head. 0.96
00:35:01.000 It's the only sport I follow.
00:35:02.000 That's, I think, the great flaw of being the all-sport commenter like these guys are, is that they're trying to keep up with experts in all the sports, and they just don't have...
00:35:14.000 He might have a great take on maybe the NBA or something.
00:35:19.000 But then it starts to dilute somewhere.
00:35:22.000 You're not also going to be the best at commenting on horse racing, baseball, football, college ball, college basketball, tennis.
00:35:30.000 So then something's going to get lazy about the way you comment on it.
00:35:34.000 It's not just even something's going to get lazy.
00:35:36.000 There's no room.
00:35:38.000 Like, here's a perfect example.
00:35:39.000 I'm an expert in MMA, but in MMA, I defer to other people about certain aspects of MMA. Like, if I want to talk about Jiu Jitsu, I talk to Eddie.
00:35:48.000 I talk to Eddie Bravo.
00:35:50.000 I say, okay, well, like, we had a conversation the other day about the Anderson Silva-Chael Sunday fight, and I incorrectly remembered it, and Eddie corrected me, and we watched the submission, and I'm like, you're right.
00:35:59.000 You're right.
00:35:59.000 I remembered it wrong.
00:36:00.000 Yeah.
00:36:01.000 I mean, I understand setups, and I understand technique, and I'm a black belt in jiu-jitsu under him and under John Jacques Machado, gi and no gi, and still my knowledge is nothing compared to Eddie Bravo's.
00:36:14.000 Really?
00:36:14.000 Yeah.
00:36:14.000 And his is like almost just like a gif too, right?
00:36:17.000 No, I mean, well, he's studied it his whole fucking life. 0.88
00:36:20.000 He's a wizard at it. 0.98
00:36:21.000 Eddie's a true jujitsu genius.
00:36:24.000 He's not just really good at techniques.
00:36:26.000 He's invented a bunch of setups and a bunch of different pathways to techniques that world-class professionals use.
00:36:33.000 And when he watches it, he definitely sees something...
00:36:38.000 He might see a hair or two past what I see, which is gigantic in fighting.
00:36:44.000 And so then when it comes to Muay Thai, I know a lot about Muay Thai, but I defer to guys like Mark Delagrante or Duke Rufus.
00:36:54.000 I'll ask them.
00:36:55.000 And they'll give me a certain take on things that maybe is different than my perspective.
00:37:00.000 So it's like there's no way one person can understand everything better than anybody else.
00:37:06.000 There's too much to know.
00:37:08.000 Even if you've got a guy who's an overall, like, Mighty Mouse.
00:37:12.000 Demetrius Johnson, who I think is the best fighter ever.
00:37:14.000 I mean, I think if you look at his technique, I think he's the best fighter ever.
00:37:17.000 There's guys that are better at Muay Thai than him.
00:37:19.000 There's guys that are better at Jiu-Jitsu than him.
00:37:21.000 He's just the best at putting it together in his weight class and dominating his division.
00:37:26.000 But still, it's too big of an ocean.
00:37:30.000 Well that's what I was saying at the very beginning of this conversation was I feel like both of us were probably here in this podcast doing this podcast when when UFC signed the deal with Fox which was I think the big blow up where it was like now all of a sudden Fox was gonna brand it with with sports talent hosts and it was not just you and Goldberg it was it was it was it was like I remember hearing about big fucking Fox events where they had all their Jim Rome was gonna comment on it or no I'm not just saying And that's
00:38:00.000 what kind of sucks because I was like, I feel like the mainstream media was so against it for so long that finally when it pushed through to watch the mainstream media do this almost like fucking arms wide open like, ah, we've always been. 0.74
00:38:15.000 Skip, give us your insight about, yeah, it's just UFC. Skip, give us your insight. 0.97
00:38:20.000 It's such a complex, it's not just putting a ball through a hoop.
00:38:22.000 It's so lame what a gig that is, though, because the gig that he has is this thing where it's like, what's your hot take on this?
00:38:29.000 And then those guys have to say something almost that is somewhat controversial.
00:38:35.000 Yeah, it's so contrived.
00:38:37.000 Yeah, it's very contrived.
00:38:37.000 It's like...
00:38:38.000 It's like, you know what, Joe?
00:38:40.000 I disagree.
00:38:42.000 Nate is a better 170. I've seen it, and that's just what I think.
00:38:46.000 And then that's, like, the take.
00:38:48.000 Is that he disagrees with you.
00:38:51.000 But that's everyone.
00:38:51.000 It seems like that's everyone.
00:38:52.000 Like, I'm not, like, I'm not, obviously I'm not putting Amy Schumer on blast, but I I feel like these days, Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham, I don't even know if they have anything to say other than the most aggressive thing that everyone will react to, and then that keeps them famous.
00:39:07.000 Interesting.
00:39:08.000 It's almost like blowing air under a feather.
00:39:10.000 It's hot air.
00:39:11.000 It's like kicking the guy out of her show for buying tickets and liking Trump, you know?
00:39:18.000 And then you go...
00:39:18.000 Well, she didn't kick him out of the show.
00:39:19.000 She just told him to get off the stage.
00:39:21.000 No, she told him all to leave.
00:39:24.000 She brought the guy on stage. 0.99
00:39:26.000 I didn't watch the whole thing.
00:39:27.000 Yeah, she brought the guy on stage, but then she said, if you're not voting for Hillary, leave my show. 1.00
00:39:31.000 Did she say that?
00:39:32.000 I don't know.
00:39:33.000 I don't think she said that.
00:39:34.000 I think she was saying if you boo.
00:39:36.000 People are booing her.
00:39:37.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:39:38.000 Because she was talking shit about Trump. 1.00
00:39:39.000 I'm not trying to put Amy on blast. 1.00
00:39:41.000 I'm just saying, like, Lena Dunham.
00:39:42.000 I wish I had had an abortion. 0.99
00:39:46.000 She said that.
00:39:47.000 She goes, I wish I'd had an abortion so I could be with all the girls that had abortions. 1.00
00:39:50.000 I could be on your side.
00:39:51.000 Whatever.
00:39:52.000 Well, you know, she's overweight. 1.00
00:39:54.000 It's probably affecting her brain.
00:39:56.000 People say things when they're not healthy.
00:39:59.000 That's how I used to feel.
00:40:00.000 That's how I used to feel, too.
00:40:07.000 That's a business.
00:40:08.000 It's like that's the world she's in, and whether or not it's conscious or not, you're sort of playing to those people.
00:40:14.000 And I understand what she's saying.
00:40:17.000 Look, if they're trying to take away the right for a woman to have an abortion, and she's trying to align herself with those people, and she hasn't had an abortion, that's a reasonable thing to say. 0.79
00:40:27.000 It's crazy.
00:40:28.000 I'm not disagreeing with what she's saying.
00:40:30.000 I'm just pointing out that it seems to me that the way, I was just coupling on what he said, the way to be in the media these days is to say the most outrageous things, to get the most activity on social media so that you're still in the public eye.
00:40:44.000 I think these guys are scrubs.
00:40:45.000 That's what I think it is. 0.99
00:40:46.000 I think that guy's a mental scrub. 0.72
00:40:48.000 And I think this kind of way of talking about sports, I think it's antiquated. 0.67
00:40:53.000 And I think it's going to go away.
00:40:54.000 And I think that people just, they gravitate towards it because it's like, you know, it's just gossip news. 0.99
00:41:00.000 Bullshit. 0.97
00:41:01.000 It's so awesome that he wrote to himself. 1.00
00:41:03.000 Such a dummy. 0.94
00:41:04.000 Way to go. 1.00
00:41:05.000 You're the man!
00:41:06.000 Exclamation point, exclamation point.
00:41:08.000 I should start doing that every day.
00:41:10.000 Good job, Joe.
00:41:11.000 Good job, Joe.
00:41:12.000 You know what I should do?
00:41:13.000 I should do like really subtle insults.
00:41:18.000 You know, like backhanded compliments.
00:41:20.000 Yeah.
00:41:22.000 It's just that same mentality, though.
00:41:25.000 The mentality that makes you write a tweet like that to yourself is the same mentality.
00:41:30.000 What's the backhanded compliment you got from an exec we were talking about?
00:41:33.000 Do you remember that?
00:41:34.000 Yeah.
00:41:34.000 Oh, it was like, we want guys that are not really good looking, not super, super funny, but kind of like middle of the road.
00:41:41.000 We want to talk to you, man.
00:41:42.000 Yeah, we don't want your talent to be threatening.
00:41:45.000 Then they offered me a show.
00:41:46.000 We want you to be the guy that I feel like...
00:41:49.000 Me, whatever regular guy I am and a regular job I have, I could do it better than you.
00:41:55.000 We don't want stars.
00:41:56.000 We want guys that are accessible, not too good looking.
00:41:59.000 We don't want a host host.
00:42:02.000 We want a guy that it seems like watching a TV go, oh, I could do that.
00:42:05.000 And they could.
00:42:07.000 Not a lot of talent.
00:42:09.000 Not a lot of talent.
00:42:10.000 All over the place.
00:42:11.000 Not that good looking, overweight.
00:42:12.000 And I'm like, okay.
00:42:14.000 Is this a compliment?
00:42:15.000 And they're like, do you know what I mean?
00:42:16.000 Nothing glossy.
00:42:18.000 Nothing shiny and I was like...
00:42:19.000 Not that focused, not that disciplined, easily replaceable.
00:42:24.000 Especially if this takes off.
00:42:25.000 During contract negotiations, we could just kick you out and nobody will notice.
00:42:28.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:42:29.000 It's like, remember when they replaced the fucking husband on Bewitched and nobody gave a shit? 1.00
00:42:32.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:42:34.000 That's right.
00:42:34.000 And they both had the name Darren, right?
00:42:36.000 No, no, no, no.
00:42:36.000 They both had the name...
00:42:37.000 Both their names were very similar in real life.
00:42:40.000 They replaced it.
00:42:41.000 It was different when they... 0.99
00:42:42.000 That dude got cocky and they fucking outed him. 0.99
00:42:45.000 Remember when they... 0.99
00:42:46.000 They did that on Roseanne. 0.74
00:42:47.000 They replaced one of the kids.
00:42:48.000 Replaced the kid?
00:42:49.000 No.
00:42:49.000 Aunt Viv?
00:42:50.000 Yes.
00:42:50.000 Remember Aunt Viv?
00:42:51.000 The older daughter got replaced.
00:42:53.000 They just got a new older daughter. 0.99
00:42:54.000 And they made little subtle jokes about her looking different.
00:42:58.000 Really?
00:42:58.000 And then they switched her back again.
00:43:00.000 What were the two dads' names in Bewitched? 0.99
00:43:02.000 Roseanne Barr doesn't give a fuck. 1.00
00:43:04.000 Dick York and Darren. 0.99
00:43:04.000 Okay, here we go. 0.99
00:43:06.000 Well, Bewitched debuted in the summer of 1964 and was a rating smash from the word go.
00:43:12.000 The very attractive Elizabeth Montgomery was cast in the lead.
00:43:16.000 Samantha the Witch and a skittish young actor named Dick York was cast as her mild-mannered but hapless husband Darren.
00:43:25.000 Dick Sargent.
00:43:27.000 So they have the same name.
00:43:29.000 So what is the difference between Dick New York and Dick Sargent?
00:43:31.000 What do they look like?
00:43:33.000 Let's go.
00:43:34.000 Bewitched Husbands, Dick Sargent. 0.99
00:43:38.000 What a gay, awesome steam room name. 0.99
00:43:40.000 Dick Sargent. 0.99
00:43:42.000 Hey, Dick Sargent!
00:43:43.000 There you go.
00:43:44.000 Oh yeah, the second guy was like a weaker-chinned version of the first guy.
00:43:47.000 Couldn't stand up for himself.
00:43:48.000 Speaking of weak-chinned, when do we do this shave? 0.93
00:43:51.000 We'll do it afterwards.
00:43:52.000 We'll do it at the end of the show.
00:43:54.000 We'll take photos.
00:43:56.000 What about Aunt Viv?
00:43:57.000 Wasn't that traumatizing to you?
00:43:58.000 Who's Aunt Viv? 0.73
00:43:59.000 Fresh Prince?
00:44:00.000 I've never watched that show.
00:44:02.000 There was two of them, man.
00:44:03.000 I'm talking about Bewitched and Aunt Viv.
00:44:05.000 By the way, I had a surreal moment with Will Smith when I first moved out to L.A. We were in his car and Uncle Phil was in the car in front of him.
00:44:14.000 Who's Uncle Phil?
00:44:15.000 He was the dad in...
00:44:17.000 The guy that he lived with, his uncle.
00:44:19.000 James Henry. 0.99
00:44:23.000 And Will threw his car in park and was like, I'm going to scare this shit out of Uncle Phil. 0.97
00:44:28.000 Or he said his real name. 0.99
00:44:29.000 And he got out and ran up and then you watch this big man in this fucking Range Rover go like in the front seat and then they got out and they hugged and they talked for like five minutes. 0.98
00:44:38.000 At a stoplight? 0.99
00:44:39.000 How rude.
00:44:41.000 Super rude. 0.99
00:44:42.000 I thought it was so fucking weird. 0.96
00:44:45.000 So weird. 0.86
00:44:45.000 Very weird. 0.86
00:44:46.000 Apparently that guy travels like everywhere he flies.
00:44:49.000 Will Smith brings like a giant box of books.
00:44:51.000 Really?
00:44:52.000 He's a voracious reader apparently.
00:44:54.000 Why do you give the skeptical hippo look?
00:44:56.000 I don't know.
00:44:57.000 You don't believe it?
00:44:58.000 No.
00:44:59.000 Why not?
00:44:59.000 I don't believe anything.
00:45:00.000 Why? 1.00
00:45:00.000 Because I believe everyone fucking concocts their own fucking horse shit reality so that they sell it to the fans. 1.00
00:45:05.000 He's never even been to Russia. 1.00
00:45:06.000 Wow.
00:45:07.000 You know that?
00:45:08.000 Why do you say that?
00:45:09.000 I don't know.
00:45:10.000 You're feeling cynical because you lost today.
00:45:12.000 No, no, that's not why I'm feeling cynical.
00:45:14.000 It's dehydration.
00:45:15.000 I wanted to win so badly.
00:45:16.000 Have more coconut water.
00:45:18.000 Can I tell you that?
00:45:18.000 You wanted to win so badly?
00:45:19.000 So badly.
00:45:20.000 You won.
00:45:20.000 Yeah.
00:45:21.000 I really did.
00:45:21.000 I really wanted to beat you in this.
00:45:24.000 And I mean, like, more so than...
00:45:26.000 I think...
00:45:27.000 You know what it reminded me of?
00:45:29.000 I was never super competitive.
00:45:31.000 Like, you know, I played on sports teams my whole adolescence and through high school.
00:45:36.000 And I would, you know, play and compete and everything.
00:45:39.000 But I was more competitive with family. 1.00
00:45:41.000 You know, and stupid shit. 1.00
00:45:43.000 Right. 1.00
00:45:43.000 Like... 1.00
00:45:44.000 There's a new video game.
00:45:45.000 Me and my sisters are playing it. 0.99
00:45:47.000 Then I was, like, fucking laser focused. 0.98
00:45:49.000 And this kind of reminded me of that. 0.98
00:45:51.000 Of being, like, I think it's because we're close that it reminded me of, like, a sibling thing. 0.98
00:45:56.000 Where, like, I gotta beat fucking Burt at this. 0.97
00:45:58.000 What's our next competition? 0.99
00:45:59.000 Oh, my God.
00:46:00.000 Burt wants a rematch.
00:46:01.000 Yeah.
00:46:02.000 I want to go for your pubic hair. 1.00
00:46:03.000 It doesn't involve fucking water. 0.99
00:46:05.000 I'll tell you that right now. 0.99
00:46:06.000 But you are the water champ.
00:46:07.000 Is it weird to not have water while you're the water champ?
00:46:10.000 Man.
00:46:11.000 Like, my hydration...
00:46:13.000 There's no explanation.
00:46:14.000 There's no explanation for my hydration?
00:46:17.000 There's no explanation for my hydration and it's like cutting the water was like a vacation.
00:46:27.000 Are you Muhammad Ali?
00:46:30.000 This is the worst.
00:46:31.000 I don't know what I'm saying.
00:46:32.000 This is the worst.
00:46:33.000 A lot of frustration with my hesitation on my hydration.
00:46:37.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:46:38.000 All that shit, man. 1.00
00:46:39.000 I mean, it really was... 1.00
00:46:40.000 All about a vacation?
00:46:42.000 And I did.
00:46:42.000 I followed that.
00:46:43.000 I was told pretty much to a T. By Jake Smith.
00:46:47.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:46:48.000 What a dick. 1.00
00:46:48.000 Where's Jake fight? 1.00
00:46:49.000 I mean, look it up.
00:46:51.000 Yeah, look Jake up.
00:46:53.000 How important was it to you, Bert?
00:46:55.000 It seems like you were kind of like throwing in the towel this morning when you came here.
00:46:58.000 You're in pain. 0.99
00:46:59.000 I was fucking... 1.00
00:46:59.000 I was hurting. 1.00
00:47:00.000 Well, you did it differently than him.
00:47:02.000 He did the long haul.
00:47:03.000 You did the long strand.
00:47:05.000 I did the sprint.
00:47:06.000 The long strand.
00:47:07.000 I did the long strand DNA in March.
00:47:10.000 Do you look back on the last few months?
00:47:13.000 There's two mistakes I made. 0.99
00:47:14.000 I could have tightened this bitch up. 1.00
00:47:16.000 There's a couple mistakes I made. 0.99
00:47:17.000 Five and one, Jake Smith.
00:47:19.000 No photo of him.
00:47:21.000 He fights in Prime Fighting 8. So he's fighting in some smaller organizations, but looks like he's got a good record.
00:47:32.000 Holla.
00:47:32.000 Holla, Jake.
00:47:34.000 But there's a lot of guys out there that are good at cutting weight, man.
00:47:38.000 I've seen some dudes eliminate ridiculous amounts of their body weight.
00:47:41.000 There's nobody better than this guy named Gleason Tebow who got popped by USADA. He got caught with a gang of shit in his system. 1.00
00:47:50.000 Yeah, I think two or three different banned substances in his system. 0.99
00:47:52.000 We got tagged in a bunch of tweets yesterday that we should be helping some big name guy to do it. 0.94
00:47:58.000 They're like, why don't you help fucking, what's his name, do it? 0.95
00:48:00.000 He must have not cut weight recently. 0.99
00:48:02.000 Which guy?
00:48:03.000 By the way, I can totally see that.
00:48:05.000 Training for the fight and not cutting weight and be like, oh...
00:48:08.000 My bad, guys.
00:48:09.000 Well, it does happen, but you lose a shitload of money.
00:48:12.000 We got a bunch of them yesterday.
00:48:14.000 I can't remember his name.
00:48:15.000 Like Ray Borg lost 30%.
00:48:16.000 He won this weekend.
00:48:17.000 He lost 30% of his purse because he was more than three pounds over.
00:48:20.000 So he has to give 30% of his purse to his opponent.
00:48:24.000 Oh, for real?
00:48:25.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:48:25.000 He looked fantastic.
00:48:27.000 Ray Borg is a super talented guy.
00:48:29.000 But that's a big amount of money to give to your opponent.
00:48:33.000 But three pounds at flyweight in particular.
00:48:36.000 That's a lot.
00:48:37.000 Well, they're fighting at 125. And Ray weighed 128 point something.
00:48:42.000 There's a lot of missteps I made. 0.98
00:48:44.000 129, actually, because they gave you a pound to fuck with because it's not a championship fight. 0.99
00:48:50.000 During a championship fight, you have to weigh on the nugget. 0.99
00:48:53.000 If it's 170, you have to weigh 170. Exactly?
00:48:55.000 You have to weigh 170 exactly?
00:48:57.000 Exactly.
00:48:58.000 Or less.
00:48:59.000 But in a non-championship fight, you get a pound to play with.
00:49:04.000 How often does it, because I've been at a number of weigh-ins with you, that they have to just lose the underwear to make weight.
00:49:11.000 It happens if you have wet underwear on.
00:49:14.000 Is that like point two or something?
00:49:17.000 It could weigh very little, but that's enough.
00:49:19.000 It's the tipping amount.
00:49:20.000 Because a lot of it is one of those balance scales.
00:49:23.000 It's just a hair, an ounce, whatever it is.
00:49:26.000 And then sometimes if they're still over, what, you have an hour?
00:49:29.000 Yeah, but it depends on the commission.
00:49:33.000 It really depends.
00:49:35.000 It depends on where you're at.
00:49:36.000 They do different weigh-ins now.
00:49:38.000 They do early weigh-ins.
00:49:39.000 The weigh-ins take place early in the morning now.
00:49:41.000 The day of the fight?
00:49:42.000 Yeah, the day before the fight.
00:49:44.000 The day before the fight?
00:49:44.000 Oh, so you have a day to recoup.
00:49:46.000 You have to.
00:49:46.000 You have to.
00:49:47.000 You have to die. 1.00
00:49:48.000 They started doing that after Duck Koo Kim. 0.99
00:49:51.000 Ray Mancini and Duck Koo Kim had this crazy fight.
00:49:55.000 They changed a few things after that fight.
00:49:57.000 One thing they changed is they stopped doing 15 round fights and they brought them down to 12 rounds.
00:50:02.000 Another thing is they started, I think that's when they started doing weigh-ins the day before, but I could be mistaken. 0.89
00:50:07.000 Because the dehydration fucks with your brain? 0.98
00:50:09.000 Yeah, it fucks with your brain pretty hardcore. 0.95
00:50:11.000 Yeah, it fucks with your ability to move, it fucks with literally the way your nervous system, like your body works sort of, I mean, obviously I'm gonna fuck this up, but there's a electrical current through your body that relies on water to function at its best. 0.97
00:50:30.000 I felt stumbly today. 0.97
00:50:32.000 Oh yeah, yeah.
00:50:32.000 Like I definitely felt stumbly on the treadmill.
00:50:34.000 I was like...
00:50:35.000 Oh, for sure.
00:50:35.000 Your body's not functioning correctly.
00:50:37.000 You know what you boys need?
00:50:38.000 Some marijuana in your system.
00:50:39.000 Oh my god.
00:50:43.000 I don't know about that.
00:50:44.000 Definitely for sure.
00:50:45.000 Definitely for sure what we need here.
00:50:49.000 Going through this.
00:50:50.000 Drinking.
00:50:51.000 Not enough marijuana.
00:50:52.000 You've had pizza already.
00:50:54.000 My vision's going, this will be good.
00:50:56.000 Well, it's a good anti-inflammatory, folks.
00:50:59.000 Oh, okay.
00:51:00.000 Plus, it's legal.
00:51:01.000 Oh, yeah.
00:51:02.000 It's very true.
00:51:02.000 It is legal.
00:51:07.000 Yeah, that's right.
00:51:08.000 Connor Yeo, I go for the green.
00:51:10.000 I'm Tin Cup.
00:51:11.000 What's Tin Cup?
00:51:12.000 Tin Cup, he went for the green.
00:51:14.000 Like, he just couldn't stop going for the green. 0.99
00:51:17.000 Today's the first day in four days where I haven't felt like I have to shit myself. 0.98
00:51:22.000 So I'm super psyched about that. 0.97
00:51:23.000 I had a stomach bug for the last four or five, since Thursday.
00:51:29.000 I noticed it on Thursday.
00:51:31.000 Really?
00:51:31.000 Yeah.
00:51:32.000 Did you get any of that, Tommy?
00:51:33.000 Yeah.
00:51:33.000 How much of that, Tommy?
00:51:34.000 I think a drag.
00:51:35.000 You gonna get another drag? 0.61
00:51:36.000 I don't think so.
00:51:37.000 What's that sound, Jamie? 0.98
00:51:38.000 Last time I was high for fucking eight hours after I had a drag. 0.99
00:51:41.000 Eight hours? 0.99
00:51:41.000 That's a crazy... 0.99
00:51:42.000 There's 24 hours in a day, bro.
00:51:43.000 What are you worried about?
00:51:44.000 What is that sound?
00:51:46.000 Probably UFO. Are they coming for us here?
00:51:48.000 Pass it to Tommy.
00:51:49.000 He'll pass it to me.
00:51:50.000 Did you guys see the stealth bomber yesterday?
00:51:51.000 No.
00:51:52.000 Flying over the valley?
00:51:54.000 Yeah, it was a B-52 stealth bomber.
00:51:57.000 Flying over the valley.
00:51:58.000 Really?
00:51:59.000 Those things are badass.
00:52:01.000 Now that Trump's in office.
00:52:02.000 I got into a B-52 into the Tourette Gunner.
00:52:08.000 Is that right?
00:52:09.000 B-11?
00:52:10.000 I don't know which one it is.
00:52:12.000 You know the one that had the little ball underneath that you would...
00:52:13.000 Yeah, I'm not sure.
00:52:14.000 I got into one of those one time.
00:52:16.000 Yeah? 0.99
00:52:16.000 Holy shit, you want to talk about panic. 0.99
00:52:17.000 Yeah? 0.99
00:52:18.000 Do you ever fly in one of those?
00:52:20.000 No.
00:52:20.000 I flew in an F-A-18 once with the Blue Angels.
00:52:24.000 I had a bit about it I did in my act. 0.98
00:52:26.000 It was fucking amazing. 0.97
00:52:28.000 Really? 0.98
00:52:28.000 Yeah, we went seven and a half G's. 0.98
00:52:30.000 Oh my god.
00:52:31.000 Seven and a half G's?
00:52:31.000 It was insane.
00:52:32.000 Yeah, there was some actor before me who did five G's and I'm like, fuck that pussy. 1.00
00:52:36.000 I'm gonna beat that guy. 1.00
00:52:37.000 Let's ramp it up.
00:52:38.000 And so we went pretty deep.
00:52:40.000 What'd that feel like?
00:52:41.000 Insane.
00:52:42.000 Like an elevator door is closing in on your brain.
00:52:46.000 Like you see the darkness coming in from the left and the right.
00:52:49.000 Like literally you can see it.
00:52:50.000 You can see your consciousness closing.
00:52:53.000 Really?
00:52:53.000 Yeah, and you do a thing called hooking.
00:52:56.000 We hold on to the straps, like you're all strapped in, and you hold on to your straps, or the pilot would hold on to the handle, and you go like this.
00:53:04.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:53:06.000 And you're literally forcing blood into your brain to stay conscious.
00:53:10.000 And does the pilot do that, too?
00:53:12.000 He has to.
00:53:13.000 He does?
00:53:13.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:53:14.000 That's crazy that there's something that the pilot could do that could pass him out.
00:53:16.000 No, that's one of the things.
00:53:17.000 I'd have to go, hut, hut, hut, if I did another one.
00:53:20.000 Well, yeah.
00:53:23.000 We were flying maybe, I don't know how far off the ground, but pretty low in this canyon range that's somewhere between San Diego and Arizona.
00:53:34.000 Is that what it is?
00:53:35.000 San Diego and Nevada?
00:53:36.000 What's there?
00:53:37.000 Arizona, right?
00:53:37.000 Nevada's up?
00:53:38.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:53:39.000 So it's this really crazy area where it's all this Blue Angel test flight.
00:53:46.000 It's like where they practice.
00:53:47.000 It's this Air Force base out there.
00:53:49.000 Uh-huh.
00:53:49.000 And it's where they do their test runs and they drop things.
00:53:52.000 They test where they would drop bombs, I guess.
00:53:56.000 And you're flying through this small mountain range. 1.00
00:54:00.000 It's fucking nuts, man. 0.98
00:54:02.000 And while we're doing it, I see the darkness on the left and the right closing in. 0.99
00:54:08.000 And I'm trying to stay awake.
00:54:09.000 I'm going, and I hear the guy in front of me doing it.
00:54:13.000 Oh, is this a guy doing it?
00:54:14.000 Is that you?
00:54:14.000 No, definitely not.
00:54:16.000 There you are. 1.00
00:54:17.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
00:54:17.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:54:18.000 What is this, Jamie?
00:54:19.000 A bunch of people.
00:54:19.000 It says, like, hilarious G-Force training, but...
00:54:22.000 Eliza.
00:54:22.000 Yeah, this is Eliza.
00:54:24.000 Eliza in 50 years.
00:54:25.000 This is G-Force training, though.
00:54:28.000 This is not actually being in the plane.
00:54:31.000 Being in the plane, like, G-Force training.
00:54:33.000 It's Bobby Kelly.
00:54:35.000 G-Force training.
00:54:36.000 It's Elon Gold.
00:54:37.000 G-Force training is cool, but...
00:54:41.000 I could do that all day!
00:54:44.000 All day.
00:54:44.000 Just picture Yeah The thing about the g-force training though is you know you're in a simulator You know, I mean it might be crazy you're spinning, but you're not flying Like you're not you can't look down and a hundred yards below you is a mountain range No,
00:55:02.000 it's nuts man. 0.84
00:55:02.000 This guy was a bad motherfucker this pilot He took me through this wild ride through these canyons and I heard him doing it, too. 0.84
00:55:09.000 He's going So I'm like, he's experiencing it too. 1.00
00:55:13.000 Fuck, man. 1.00
00:55:14.000 Dude, when they hit turns, that's when it's nuts, man. 1.00
00:55:18.000 It's like there's banking turns that they make where there's so much pressure.
00:55:24.000 Oh, that's giving me panic just watching it.
00:55:26.000 I did that when we spun around in a circle.
00:55:28.000 They fly in tandem? 0.99
00:55:29.000 And they fucking fly in war like that, dude. 0.99
00:55:32.000 Look how much you're moving still. 0.99
00:55:34.000 Yeah.
00:55:35.000 Dude, these guys fly in war like this.
00:55:37.000 And they rely on the water.
00:55:39.000 Yeah, he's hooking right now. 1.00
00:55:41.000 That guy's doing that shit right now. 1.00
00:55:42.000 It's nuts, bro. 1.00
00:55:43.000 I'm telling you, it is like nothing I've ever experienced physically.
00:55:47.000 And it just makes you understand the weird demands that your body has.
00:55:52.000 Over people's homes.
00:55:53.000 Your body has a very narrow window that it can operate in as far as atmosphere, as far as temperature, as far as pressure.
00:56:01.000 All those things are very narrow.
00:56:03.000 We're very vulnerable.
00:56:05.000 It's one of the reasons why fighting is so interesting.
00:56:08.000 Like this Ronda Rousey fight, for example.
00:56:10.000 You take a person that's obviously very physically strong, right?
00:56:14.000 Like a female cage fighting champion. 1.00
00:56:17.000 And you see her muscles and you see what she can do throwing people around. 1.00
00:56:22.000 But you realize that even a person that looks like that is super vulnerable.
00:56:26.000 All you have to do is get hit.
00:56:27.000 Bang! 1.00
00:56:27.000 Somebody hits you. 1.00
00:56:28.000 Bang! 1.00
00:56:28.000 They hit you again. 1.00
00:56:29.000 All of a sudden you're in trouble.
00:56:30.000 Bang! 1.00
00:56:30.000 They hit you again. 1.00
00:56:31.000 You can't respond and then you get knocked out. 0.95
00:56:35.000 As tough as a person might think they are, as like in shape as a person might think they are, if you get in one of those goddamn jets and you fly at seven and a half G's, you take some crazy turns and your body is literally like giving, you gotta go unconscious from the pressure. 0.96
00:56:53.000 It makes you realize, like, wow, I'm so frail. 0.95
00:56:56.000 I'm so frail.
00:56:57.000 Dude, I may have told someone about this, I'm sure.
00:57:02.000 I don't know.
00:57:03.000 My body's starting to recoup back to old Burt right now with all this.
00:57:06.000 Want some more coconut water?
00:57:07.000 No, no, no.
00:57:07.000 This vodka and that was perfect.
00:57:10.000 I feel really good right now, guys.
00:57:11.000 I'm skinny and baked.
00:57:15.000 When I went heliskiing in Switzerland, I think we went up to 10,000 feet, maybe 7,000 feet, and it was in the mountains.
00:57:24.000 They took us up heliskiing, dropped us off, and my dad was like, you can get really hurt, but you're so confident.
00:57:29.000 You live in this bubble where nothing happens to you.
00:57:32.000 But up there, I couldn't even navigate...
00:57:35.000 Like, I couldn't even traverse the mountain a little bit to get within the line that we needed to ski down.
00:57:40.000 Like, I couldn't even walk through it.
00:57:41.000 It was like four-foot powder.
00:57:43.000 So you're literally like, I mean, it's up to your waist.
00:57:47.000 Like, you're stepping and it's up to your waist. 0.99
00:57:49.000 And you're like, holy shit. 0.99
00:57:50.000 Then I couldn't even get my board on. 0.99
00:57:52.000 Finally, they helped me get my board on.
00:57:54.000 We start snowboarding.
00:57:55.000 And they're telling us there's crevasses to the right.
00:57:57.000 He's like...
00:57:58.000 Okay, stay within five feet from me to the right to the left and then...
00:58:02.000 I'm not good with accents.
00:58:04.000 Oh my god.
00:58:05.000 That's hilarious.
00:58:08.000 What country is this movie?
00:58:10.000 Switzerland.
00:58:11.000 That sounded pretty good.
00:58:13.000 It sounded pretty good.
00:58:14.000 Do it again! 0.79
00:58:15.000 Do it again! 0.79
00:58:15.000 Okay! 0.79
00:58:15.000 You gonna stay around the mean button left to the right to the left? 0.79
00:58:18.000 It sounds Cajun!
00:58:21.000 I gotta put this a beacon on you, and then when you got a beacon on you, you're all good.
00:58:25.000 Okay, here we go!
00:58:27.000 And so we start going, and for some reason I can't turn left.
00:58:30.000 I can snowboard perfectly fine, but I can't turn left because there's so much powder. 0.99
00:58:35.000 And I noticed that I'm just floating to the right away from his little fucking marks. 0.99
00:58:39.000 Oh no. 0.98
00:58:40.000 Towards where there could be avalanches or crevasses.
00:58:42.000 Dude. 1.00
00:58:42.000 And I'm like, shit. 1.00
00:58:43.000 And I'm thinking to myself, this is like real vulnerability. 1.00
00:58:47.000 Like going like, I can't go left.
00:58:50.000 I counted for some reason.
00:58:51.000 It's too much powder for me to turn left. 0.98
00:58:53.000 So finally I just fucking cut it and I start cutting hardcore left. 0.97
00:58:57.000 I go, okay, time to go back right. 0.99
00:58:58.000 Now I can't turn right. 0.99
00:59:00.000 And I fucking... 0.98
00:59:01.000 I'm facing, face forward down the mountain, cutting left, and I see them in front of me, and I catch a nose, and I fucking land face first into the snow four feet, and I'm under the snow. 0.99
00:59:12.000 I'm gone.
00:59:13.000 And so I go to push-up, and as I put my arms forward, they just disappear.
00:59:16.000 They just...
00:59:16.000 Nothing.
00:59:17.000 They don't touch anything.
00:59:17.000 They just go...
00:59:18.000 Into the snow.
00:59:19.000 Into the snow.
00:59:20.000 And I immediately realized my vulnerability.
00:59:23.000 I'm like, oh my god, man.
00:59:25.000 This is it.
00:59:26.000 I'm guessing.
00:59:28.000 I don't remember the exact height.
00:59:30.000 9,000 feet up a mountain.
00:59:33.000 And I'm the last one on this line.
00:59:35.000 No one saw me fall.
00:59:37.000 When will they start looking for me?
00:59:39.000 What will happen to me within that time? 1.00
00:59:41.000 And I start fucking panicking like hard as shit. 0.99
00:59:44.000 And I'm trying to move and flip myself at least over to my back. 0.99
00:59:47.000 And I can't.
00:59:48.000 I can't move at all. 1.00
00:59:50.000 And I hear my dad in my head go, told you you're going to fucking die. 0.99
00:59:54.000 And I was just like, I know. 1.00
00:59:56.000 And I was like, freaked out.
00:59:58.000 And then all of a sudden I felt this hand on the back.
01:00:00.000 We all had like these harnesses on with a beacon.
01:00:02.000 This hand pulled my harness up.
01:00:03.000 And he's like, you should see your sound guy.
01:00:06.000 And my sound guy is upside down.
01:00:09.000 Skis, literally like he's doing a handstand in the snow.
01:00:12.000 Gear everywhere. 1.00
01:00:13.000 And when they pull him up, he's like, fuck this mountain. 1.00
01:00:15.000 Let's get off this fucking mountain right now. 1.00
01:00:17.000 It was fucking. 1.00
01:00:18.000 But you think, oh, I'm a great skier. 1.00
01:00:19.000 I could do this.
01:00:20.000 And then you forget.
01:00:21.000 You forget, you don't realize your vulnerability every time you do an adventure thing.
01:00:25.000 Anything that's adventurous, and they're like, especially when you realize how much nonchalantly you put your life in people's hands in that thing.
01:00:34.000 You know what I mean?
01:00:35.000 You go like, oh, I'm on a parasail or something, and they're like, no, this place does it. 0.67
01:00:39.000 And then you realize it's just some guy who fucking hangs out at that pier. 0.68
01:00:45.000 He is managing your life there. 0.99
01:00:48.000 If you get on a fucking roller coaster, I even think about it in cars sometimes. 0.99
01:00:52.000 I know like a couple comics that go, uh, I won't let somebody drive me anywhere. 0.99
01:00:58.000 Like I know a couple guys that are like, no one's allowed to drive me.
01:01:01.000 And I'm like, why? 0.98
01:01:01.000 And they're like, I'm not letting just some fucking guy drive me. 0.98
01:01:04.000 What if he's a horrible driver? 0.99
01:01:06.000 And they just, they're like almost panicked about it. 1.00
01:01:09.000 But then sometimes you feel that vulnerable, like you realize that when you have a fuck off, Yeah. 0.99
01:01:15.000 You know? 0.99
01:01:16.000 Like, he's like, what's that?
01:01:17.000 And, like, talking to you, and you're like, oh, man.
01:01:18.000 Oh, that's the worst when they're looking up in the rear view at you.
01:01:20.000 Yeah.
01:01:21.000 Like, please don't.
01:01:22.000 And you're going 80?
01:01:23.000 Yeah, please don't.
01:01:23.000 That's UberX, right?
01:01:25.000 Yeah.
01:01:25.000 And UberX, I got an UberX to go to a podcast, and they were like, we'll send you an Uber.
01:01:29.000 And I was like, oh, I'm just so used to taking the black car, because that's what I take, so I'm used to that.
01:01:33.000 I don't mind having a black car driving me, because I feel like the guy's got a chauffeur license on the side somewhere.
01:01:37.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:01:37.000 But, like, the UberX, it was just this fucking Chinese guy who's, like, 60 years old in a fucking Civic. 0.99
01:01:42.000 Perfect. 0.99
01:01:43.000 And I was like, oh, this is great.
01:01:44.000 And he was horrible.
01:01:45.000 I was like, I don't think he learned how to drive in his country, let alone this one.
01:01:48.000 And he is literally just...
01:01:49.000 And I was like...
01:01:51.000 How recently had he been in America?
01:01:54.000 He was not speaking very good English.
01:01:56.000 Or like, horrific English.
01:01:58.000 This is what he sounded like.
01:01:59.000 Okay, I'm gonna take you up on a 405?
01:02:06.000 Swing to the left?
01:02:07.000 Swing to the right?
01:02:09.000 Sounds like Yakov.
01:02:11.000 Yakov, yeah.
01:02:12.000 I did an interview with Yakov on my podcast.
01:02:14.000 He's a good dude, man.
01:02:15.000 He's a great dude.
01:02:15.000 He's a good dude.
01:02:16.000 He's at the Comedy Store all the time.
01:02:17.000 He's very friendly.
01:02:18.000 He has like his own theater, right?
01:02:19.000 Isn't that the thing?
01:02:19.000 He has something in Branson, Missouri, right?
01:02:22.000 I think he got rid of it.
01:02:23.000 Did he?
01:02:24.000 When I interviewed him, it was probably a year ago. 0.92
01:02:26.000 By the way, Branson, Missouri is pretty fucking badass.
01:02:29.000 How far is it from Kansas City? 0.98
01:02:31.000 I have no clue.
01:02:32.000 He's a really nice guy and he's a smart guy.
01:02:35.000 And he's a good joke writer. 0.99
01:02:37.000 His fucking jokes are funny, man. 0.99
01:02:38.000 He's just a guy that came up during a really strange time. 1.00
01:02:43.000 Ari just texted me. 0.73
01:02:44.000 What'd he say?
01:02:45.000 You said you were 6'1", you're actually under 6 feet?
01:02:49.000 He's mad.
01:02:49.000 Oh yeah, he's mad.
01:02:51.000 I wish we had a phone line to patch him in.
01:02:53.000 Let's not do it.
01:02:54.000 He'll get mad.
01:02:55.000 We did it yesterday and it was a disaster.
01:02:57.000 He's angry.
01:03:00.000 I love...
01:03:01.000 He's such an interesting friend to have.
01:03:03.000 On the spectrum of friends, to have one of those, it's just so...
01:03:08.000 I feel like I'm going to step in as his friend and pay for this whole thing because you guys did it on my podcast.
01:03:14.000 You don't do that, man.
01:03:15.000 I want to.
01:03:16.000 Why do you keep saying that?
01:03:17.000 Yeah, just let it go.
01:03:18.000 All right.
01:03:18.000 So I'm going to take care of it.
01:03:19.000 So Ari, you're off the hook, dude. 0.78
01:03:22.000 Because Ari just, I don't want to seem upset.
01:03:27.000 He'll just get too mad?
01:03:29.000 Well, also, it might have been his idea, but honestly, I benefited from it more than anybody because you guys did it on my podcast.
01:03:36.000 It's been good podcasting.
01:03:37.000 It's been fun. 1.00
01:03:38.000 Fuck yeah, dude. 0.99
01:03:39.000 First time ever. 1.00
01:03:40.000 We've never done two in a row like this.
01:03:42.000 We've never done something along these lines.
01:03:45.000 Tom called me when he was like, we're doing two in a row, Bert.
01:03:47.000 You're going to have to carry this.
01:03:48.000 I'm not that funny.
01:03:49.000 And I was like...
01:03:50.000 It's true.
01:03:51.000 It's true.
01:03:55.000 I like doing two people podcasts.
01:03:57.000 Hey man, let me ask you this before I forget.
01:03:59.000 What could you have done to get yourself out of that snow?
01:04:03.000 Nothing.
01:04:04.000 A lot of people get trapped in the snow like that.
01:04:06.000 Is there a thing you're supposed to do?
01:04:08.000 Are you supposed to move the snow away from your face so you have air?
01:04:11.000 I'm sure there is.
01:04:12.000 I'm sure you probably should start packing snow down around you.
01:04:16.000 I don't know.
01:04:17.000 My cameraman, Kendall, is a professional snowboarder.
01:04:20.000 And he had a very similar experience.
01:04:24.000 We talked about it that night at a bar in Switzerland.
01:04:27.000 And he was telling me, he was like, one time he was flying through, he was going through the tree lines.
01:04:31.000 You waiting for me to do an accent?
01:04:33.000 Yeah.
01:04:33.000 He was going through the tree lines and he hit a tree and all the snow that was in the tree buried him.
01:04:38.000 Oh my god.
01:04:38.000 That's terrifying.
01:04:39.000 And he was upside down.
01:04:41.000 He was upside down and he was in, I guess it's called like a tree well.
01:04:44.000 People who ski know more about this than I would.
01:04:47.000 But apparently what happens is no snow falls around the tree at all.
01:04:51.000 And then it's very light packed snow so you can get buried in it.
01:04:55.000 And he was like... 1.00
01:04:57.000 He said his back was fucked up, but he was trying to get out and he couldn't get out and he was like, oh shit, this is how you die. 1.00
01:05:02.000 I've had three friends die snowboarding. 1.00
01:05:05.000 Really?
01:05:06.000 Three friends, yeah.
01:05:06.000 Three friends die snowboarding.
01:05:08.000 Hitting trees and shit? 1.00
01:05:09.000 One hit a tree, one skied off a mountain. 1.00
01:05:15.000 And I saw his wife recently, and I haven't seen her since he died.
01:05:19.000 And I was like, just so you know, I think about him a lot.
01:05:21.000 Because I went snowboarding.
01:05:23.000 When you go snowboarding in Switzerland, it's above the tree line.
01:05:25.000 Do you have him in your death pool? 1.00
01:05:27.000 Isn't it weird that you're allowed to do some shit that kills people and nobody bats an eye and everybody looks forward to it? 0.99
01:05:35.000 You know, but if we were all going skydiving, you know, and like, there's a place, I went skiing in Aspen, and I went to this place, and I was like, how many people die here a year? 0.99
01:05:46.000 And this dude who lives there goes, at least one or two every year.
01:05:49.000 I go, one or two every year?
01:05:50.000 I go, what usually happens?
01:05:52.000 He goes, trees.
01:05:53.000 They hit trees, they fall off mountains, they break their necks.
01:05:57.000 I go, really?
01:05:57.000 And he goes, yeah, yeah, one or two every year.
01:06:00.000 I'm like, whoa.
01:06:01.000 Does that freak everybody out? 1.00
01:06:02.000 They're like, I guess skiing's so fun, they just go, fuck it. 1.00
01:06:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:06:06.000 Think about scuba diving.
01:06:08.000 They fly off.
01:06:12.000 Gone.
01:06:13.000 Hitting a tree is at least probably really lights out really fast.
01:06:17.000 I was watching a video of my friend Aubrey.
01:06:19.000 He's a really good skier.
01:06:21.000 He can ski ski.
01:06:23.000 The guy can survive.
01:06:24.000 I've only been skiing for four years.
01:06:26.000 But he can ski.
01:06:27.000 He gets on skis.
01:06:28.000 He's like...
01:06:29.000 Any human being who's using skis these days can really ski.
01:06:33.000 Everyone my age just snowboarded. 0.99
01:06:36.000 But if you're a grown man and you're on skis, you know what the fuck you're doing. 0.98
01:06:39.000 That's not totally true. 0.99
01:06:41.000 I learned skiing.
01:06:42.000 I never snowboarded.
01:06:43.000 Oh, really?
01:06:43.000 Yeah, I learned skiing four years ago.
01:06:45.000 Here's Aubrey flying down this hill.
01:06:47.000 You can tell when you look at a guy like that move.
01:06:50.000 That's a guy who can actually ski. 0.98
01:06:52.000 I gotta go fucking skiing now that I'm skinny. 0.98
01:06:54.000 When I'm doing this, yeah, dude, for sure. 0.97
01:06:56.000 You'll be doing a lot of things.
01:06:57.000 It's like taking a weight vest off. 0.99
01:06:59.000 But when I'm looking at him skiing, I'm like, okay, this is a motherfucker that skis so smooth. 0.99
01:07:04.000 Like, that's a guy who's been skiing, like, a long time, and he really knows what he's doing. 0.98
01:07:07.000 My skis are always further apart.
01:07:09.000 I look all goofy.
01:07:11.000 I'm not that, like, he's really good. 0.99
01:07:13.000 If he's tucking fucking poles, he's good. 1.00
01:07:16.000 And he's really good friends with that Bodie Miller guy, who's that world champion. 0.98
01:07:19.000 That guy's an interesting guy. 0.99
01:07:20.000 Fuck yeah, he is. 0.99
01:07:21.000 I mean, I have a good buddy of mine who's on the U.S. Olympic ski team. 1.00
01:07:24.000 My friend Steve Graham, from the time we were kids.
01:07:27.000 He was, uh, he's my friend, he's an ophthalmologist.
01:07:30.000 And when I was a kid, I was like 15 or 16 I met him.
01:07:35.000 That's the whitest statement ever.
01:07:36.000 This guy had, at the time, maybe 10 surgeries on his knees.
01:07:41.000 10. Like giant scars up and down his knees where they used to have to open them up.
01:07:46.000 Like the old days, when they used to do surgery, they would cut you open like a fish and just stitch stuff together and hope it hung on. 1.00
01:07:53.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:07:54.000 Fuck that. 1.00
01:07:56.000 But like skiing, like getting really good like that. 1.00
01:07:58.000 How old were you when you were learned?
01:08:00.000 45. Shut up. 1.00
01:08:03.000 That's gotta be fucking... 1.00
01:08:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:08:04.000 I've eaten shit hard skiing before. 1.00
01:08:06.000 When I was a kid, man, I avoided anything that I thought could possibly hurt my legs because I was doing so much Taekwondo because I was, you know... 0.99
01:08:15.000 So, uh, obsessed with martial arts.
01:08:17.000 Yeah.
01:08:17.000 I was like, and it's so dangerous as it is.
01:08:19.000 I'm like, I'm not taking any extra danger. 0.95
01:08:21.000 It's like, I'm not going to break my leg skiing or break my arm on a motorcycle or get fucked up in that way. 0.95
01:08:26.000 Like when I'm already doing this. 0.93
01:08:27.000 So I avoided all that stuff.
01:08:29.000 My dad said that to me when we went to, uh, Windy Gap.
01:08:32.000 It was like a youth camp, uh, with Christian youth camp where you had to see Jesus by the end of the week.
01:08:37.000 Yeah.
01:08:37.000 Did you meet him?
01:08:38.000 Yeah, I met him.
01:08:38.000 What happened?
01:08:39.000 In the shower.
01:08:40.000 Whoa.
01:08:40.000 I had to tell my story to the camp.
01:08:42.000 What happened?
01:08:42.000 They were like, you haven't seen Jesus?
01:08:45.000 Yeah, Bert, where's Jesus?
01:08:46.000 And I was like, and I had just taken a shower that day, and I had like a cool moment in the shower going, like feeling grateful for life.
01:08:51.000 I was 18, getting ready to go to Florida State.
01:08:53.000 And they were like, uh...
01:08:54.000 You were 18 in this?
01:08:55.000 I so thought you were 11 when you were telling the story.
01:08:59.000 That's so funny.
01:09:00.000 I was 18. There's a picture.
01:09:01.000 For real?
01:09:01.000 Yeah, I was 18. I was fucking 18!
01:09:04.000 I could smoke cigarettes, but you couldn't smoke there. 0.99
01:09:06.000 And they brought me up in front of camp, and I was like, have you seen Jesus?
01:09:10.000 And I was like, I saw him.
01:09:12.000 I was being real, which is, I think, the predominant times that I'm funny is when I'm trying to be sincere. 0.99
01:09:18.000 And I said, I saw him in the shower today, and the fucking place fell apart. 0.99
01:09:21.000 And they're like, just sit down. 0.99
01:09:23.000 I was like, I did have a cool moment in the shower where I was grateful.
01:09:26.000 Why can't you find Jesus when you're naked?
01:09:28.000 Jesus has to come when you're in your tie with your shoes tied.
01:09:32.000 You should be able to be aroused and see him too.
01:09:33.000 Why not? 1.00
01:09:34.000 You should be like about to come and you see Jesus and you clamp down on your dick like you're trying to choke it to death. 1.00
01:09:40.000 Stop the cum from coming out. 1.00
01:09:42.000 So you don't want to be disrespectful. 0.58
01:09:44.000 Right.
01:09:45.000 And then you go, I love you, Jesus.
01:09:46.000 And then you let it go.
01:09:47.000 What if Jesus said, it's okay, son, you can come.
01:09:50.000 Then you'd be a big-time believer, wouldn't you?
01:09:52.000 People are angry.
01:09:53.000 Listen to us talk about this right now.
01:09:54.000 Why?
01:09:55.000 Angry.
01:09:56.000 Why?
01:09:56.000 Because you're not supposed to be talking about Jesus and pleasure.
01:09:58.000 Yeah.
01:09:59.000 What if Jesus came to you in the middle of a massage?
01:10:02.000 You're lying on your stomach, no sexual organs are involved, but when someone has oil on your back and they're rubbing their elbow across the spine, just loosening everything up, you know that feeling like, ah...
01:10:16.000 Arguably, there's times where that feels as good as coming.
01:10:21.000 Right.
01:10:21.000 Arguably, right?
01:10:23.000 But why is that okay?
01:10:24.000 Because it's not sexual?
01:10:26.000 What weird rules do we have about touching each other, where you can lay down on your stomach and some lady that you don't know can rub her back Like, rub her elbow, rather. 1.00
01:10:37.000 Deep into your back.
01:10:39.000 And it feels amazing.
01:10:40.000 They're rubbing your feet.
01:10:42.000 Incredible.
01:10:43.000 When someone rubs your feet, that feels so good. 0.97
01:10:46.000 But as long as it's not that good like dick good. 0.98
01:10:49.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:10:50.000 As long as it's not balls good. 1.00
01:10:52.000 Balls and dick. 1.00
01:10:53.000 Balls and dick. 1.00
01:10:54.000 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 1.00
01:10:56.000 Can you rub the ass? 1.00
01:10:57.000 The cheeks, yes. 1.00
01:10:58.000 Yeah.
01:10:59.000 In a dangerous massage, they rub your cheeks.
01:11:02.000 Dangerous.
01:11:03.000 Oh, they're just getting into the gluteus maximus here. 1.00
01:11:05.000 Oh, as long as it's not my asshole. 1.00
01:11:07.000 Those hip flexors. 1.00
01:11:08.000 Don't touch my asshole. 1.00
01:11:09.000 It's right there. 1.00
01:11:09.000 Don't touch it. 1.00
01:11:10.000 Don't touch it.
01:11:11.000 He's so close. 0.99
01:11:12.000 It's like fucking danger zones where you're not allowed to touch. 1.00
01:11:15.000 Yeah, why can't they touch our dicks? 1.00
01:11:17.000 Because we grew up like big babies. 1.00
01:11:20.000 We had fucking ridiculous Puritans who got on rafts powered by the wind. 1.00
01:11:24.000 They floated over to some place they weren't even sure existed. 1.00
01:11:27.000 They set up a bunch of stupid rules and the echoes of that stupid rules fuck with our dicks and assholes today. 1.00
01:11:33.000 I think, you know, that was the whole thing about that, uh, there was a fucking doctor who was giving women orgasms, and that was his thing. 1.00
01:11:42.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:11:42.000 Do you know what I'm talking about? 0.99
01:11:43.000 I do.
01:11:44.000 Yeah, yeah.
01:11:45.000 There's been a couple stories like that where doctors start fingering their patients.
01:11:49.000 To, like, to get them out of hysterectomies.
01:11:52.000 Like...
01:11:53.000 Well, hysterical.
01:11:54.000 The word hysterical comes, like, that's the origins of the word.
01:11:58.000 Tommy, drink your drink.
01:11:58.000 I'm pouring another one.
01:11:59.000 The word hysterical...
01:12:01.000 Had something to do with, like, hysterectomy, didn't it?
01:12:04.000 Isn't that like the origins of it?
01:12:06.000 Yeah, it is.
01:12:06.000 It is.
01:12:06.000 And that they used to, some doctors used to actually manually manipulate women to orgasm.
01:12:11.000 Yeah.
01:12:12.000 Back in the day. 0.98
01:12:13.000 Back in the day before people got scared of vaginas. 1.00
01:12:16.000 There's a doctor in Beverly Hills called Dr. Squirtz. 0.91
01:12:19.000 Whoa, that's not a real doctor.
01:12:20.000 It's not as real.
01:12:23.000 Stop right now.
01:12:24.000 Don't use your credit card, Bert.
01:12:29.000 It's not the name he went to medical school.
01:12:32.000 Dr. Squirtz. 0.99
01:12:34.000 It's just the fact that that fucking guy decided to go with Dr. Squirtz. 0.99
01:12:39.000 But that's what the women call him. 1.00
01:12:40.000 Oh my god.
01:12:41.000 And so my wife said to me, her and her friend Sandy are like, they heard about Dr. Squirtz and they were talking to me and they're like, is that cheating if we went to Dr. Squirtz? 0.96
01:12:49.000 Because he apparently gives you a massage and then gives you an orgasm. 0.72
01:12:52.000 It's like the best orgasm you've ever had. 0.99
01:12:54.000 That is so crazy that women are, but it makes sense. 1.00
01:12:59.000 Like, if a woman was a chick with a good job, and she's busy working her way up the corporate ladder, just doesn't have time to date assholes, but she wants to get finger banged. 1.00
01:13:07.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:13:08.000 Why couldn't she just do that? 0.98
01:13:09.000 Yeah, that's in that new movie.
01:13:12.000 Is it?
01:13:13.000 Yeah, there's the... 1.00
01:13:14.000 Fuck, it's like the legal thriller that's out, and she's the attorney, and she hires guys to fuck her. 1.00
01:13:22.000 Come on. 1.00
01:13:22.000 Yeah, she's like busy, busy, busy. 1.00
01:13:24.000 What movie is this? 1.00
01:13:25.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:13:26.000 What's her name? 1.00
01:13:27.000 The Redhead. 0.99
01:13:29.000 I have to look it up, man.
01:13:30.000 Miss Sloan?
01:13:31.000 Is that the name of the movie?
01:13:33.000 Oh, yeah.
01:13:33.000 I know what you're talking about.
01:13:35.000 It's about gun control.
01:13:37.000 She's a lobbyist. 1.00
01:13:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:13:38.000 She's a lobbyist, right?
01:13:39.000 Or a lawyer for a lobbyist or something.
01:13:41.000 Jessica Chastain.
01:13:42.000 Jessica Chastain.
01:13:43.000 So she plays this really high power...
01:13:47.000 And she gets finger banged? 1.00
01:13:49.000 She hires dudes to fuck her in hotel rooms. 1.00
01:13:53.000 She only has like, and she hires them for like an hour. 1.00
01:13:57.000 Because all she has is like, you know, very little free time.
01:14:01.000 But anyway, Liam was talking about Dr. Squirtz.
01:14:04.000 So do you think it's cheating?
01:14:05.000 Would you let your wife go to Dr. Squirtz?
01:14:06.000 I think guys that get paid to be able to bank checks like that.
01:14:11.000 Yeah.
01:14:12.000 Like that is, in society's eyes, that's probably... 0.94
01:14:16.000 Way less looked down upon than a girl pays for sex. 1.00
01:14:19.000 Like, that guy's actually a stud. 0.99
01:14:21.000 Isn't that odd?
01:14:21.000 It is odd, yeah.
01:14:22.000 Like, the guy... 1.00
01:14:23.000 If a guy gets paid to go and fuck a girl, you don't go, oh, that poor bastard's being exploited. 1.00
01:14:28.000 Right. 1.00
01:14:28.000 You go, well, he's a stud. 1.00
01:14:29.000 Right.
01:14:30.000 But if it was the reverse, and it was a male lawyer... 0.99
01:14:33.000 Right. 0.99
01:14:33.000 With red hair who couldn't get sex, right? 0.99
01:14:36.000 Because the beautiful lawyer with red hair, oddly enough, if it's a woman, it's extra attractive. 0.98
01:14:42.000 And if it's a man, it's open season on jokes, right?
01:14:46.000 Ginger jokes.
01:14:46.000 I don't get it.
01:14:47.000 I don't know what the fuck's going on with that red hair discrimination we have in this country. 0.99
01:14:51.000 It's prevalent here, yeah. 0.99
01:14:52.000 It's pretty strong. 0.98
01:14:53.000 But if a guy was a male lawyer with red hair, decided to get a prostitute, we'd feel bad for the hooker. 0.99
01:15:01.000 Right. 0.98
01:15:02.000 This poor girl. 1.00
01:15:03.000 Yeah.
01:15:03.000 Oh, she's just gone down a bad road.
01:15:05.000 But meanwhile, that dude with a leather belt around his dick, you know, that's strolling into town. 1.00
01:15:12.000 He's just like, yeah, he's like a stud. 1.00
01:15:14.000 Slinging dick. 1.00
01:15:14.000 He's just a dick slinger. 1.00
01:15:15.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:15:16.000 Isn't that weird?
01:15:16.000 And getting paid.
01:15:17.000 Paid.
01:15:18.000 How many of those are there?
01:15:19.000 Remember that was like American Gigolo, Richard Gere?
01:15:22.000 Magic Mike. 0.99
01:15:22.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99
01:15:23.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:15:23.000 Magic Mike. 0.99
01:15:24.000 Was Magic Mike about gigolos too? 0.91
01:15:25.000 Yeah, they were strippers. 1.00
01:15:27.000 I don't know if they were fucking girls, but I'm sure they were. 1.00
01:15:29.000 Then there was that Gigolo show. 0.99
01:15:31.000 It was a gigolo show?
01:15:32.000 Yeah, on Showtime.
01:15:33.000 Wait, what was the guy's name?
01:15:34.000 Brace?
01:15:35.000 Yeah, man.
01:15:35.000 There was?
01:15:36.000 Yeah, followed around real ones.
01:15:37.000 Oh my god.
01:15:38.000 It's amazing.
01:15:38.000 You've never seen gigolos?
01:15:39.000 No, I didn't.
01:15:40.000 It's so good.
01:15:41.000 I always learn about awesome things from you.
01:15:43.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:15:43.000 That's all he fucking does. 0.99
01:15:45.000 Like, I thought about it last night. 0.99
01:15:47.000 I was like, you know, I never heard a Diane word before him.
01:15:50.000 Oh, they're the best.
01:15:51.000 Oh, but he was talking about Diantward when Isla was born.
01:15:54.000 Like, you were talking about it in 2006. Talking about what?
01:15:57.000 Diantward. 0.99
01:15:58.000 You don't even fucking remember them. 0.99
01:15:59.000 The South African band? 0.98
01:16:00.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00
01:16:01.000 Those guys are the shit. 1.00
01:16:02.000 I love Diantward. 1.00
01:16:03.000 And you were like, what is this?
01:16:05.000 And then I watched it and then became obsessed with Yolandi Foster.
01:16:09.000 They're both amazing.
01:16:10.000 Gigolos.
01:16:11.000 Look at that.
01:16:11.000 So there's Nick Hawks.
01:16:14.000 He also is a rapper.
01:16:15.000 Like Ian Bagg on the corner.
01:16:16.000 The guy on the far right?
01:16:17.000 The guy on the far right is a rapper.
01:16:18.000 Who, Ian Bagg?
01:16:20.000 No, Ian.
01:16:20.000 No.
01:16:21.000 You know their names?
01:16:23.000 Yeah.
01:16:23.000 Oh my god, Tommy Bunz.
01:16:24.000 I mean, there's Brace. 0.99
01:16:25.000 He's like the paternal whore of the group. 0.99
01:16:29.000 This dude's covered in tattoos. 0.99
01:16:31.000 Yeah, he really sweats himself hard.
01:16:34.000 Does he?
01:16:35.000 Yeah, the guy on the left, he connects with them, like energy.
01:16:38.000 Oh, long period, that makes sense.
01:16:39.000 American Indian?
01:16:40.000 Native American?
01:16:42.000 Maybe Hawaiian? 0.57
01:16:43.000 Half black, half white, the guy next to him. 1.00
01:16:45.000 He can give you that brother dick. 1.00
01:16:47.000 I sense that he would have the hog of the group. 1.00
01:16:49.000 He would have the biggest hog. 0.92
01:16:50.000 Oh, he's got a hammer on him, for sure. 0.57
01:16:53.000 Who's the silver fox on the...
01:16:56.000 That's Brace.
01:16:57.000 Oh, that's the guy I like.
01:16:59.000 How old's Brace?
01:16:59.000 Brace is like, as I said, he's kind of like, that's actually their booker, the guy to his left.
01:17:04.000 He runs the Hooker studio.
01:17:06.000 And then that's a new hoe on the right. 1.00
01:17:08.000 He's a southern hoe. 1.00
01:17:09.000 He's like from Nashville or something.
01:17:12.000 So the older gentleman, is he hoeing as well? 0.99
01:17:14.000 Yeah, he's hoeing too. 1.00
01:17:15.000 Brace has been doing it the longest.
01:17:17.000 He's been at it like 25, 30 years. 0.99
01:17:21.000 He's just been fucking and then got paid because he realized he was good at it. 0.98
01:17:25.000 Kind of looks like Rob Lowe a little bit. 0.99
01:17:27.000 What?
01:17:28.000 Looks like Rob Lowe.
01:17:29.000 In the eyes, in the eyes, in the eyes.
01:17:31.000 You definitely shouldn't work for one of those police...
01:17:34.000 So the guy looks like Rob Lowe, and this is what he sounded like. 0.99
01:17:38.000 And then they arrest this guy, and they just go, what the fuck, Bert? 0.98
01:17:41.000 This guy's a good guy. 0.99
01:17:42.000 He's been on our podcast a couple times. 1.00
01:17:44.000 Oh, you're fucking shitting me! 1.00
01:17:46.000 Are you shitting me? 1.00
01:17:47.000 Yes. 1.00
01:17:47.000 You guys wouldn't have me on your podcast, but you had this fucking guy on your podcast? 1.00
01:17:51.000 We would have you on anytime. 0.98
01:17:52.000 When I was trying to promote the special, but you had Brace on?
01:17:55.000 I got bumped for Brace?
01:17:57.000 Wait a minute.
01:17:57.000 Two years ago.
01:17:58.000 Oh, okay.
01:17:59.000 But we haven't had a guest in years.
01:18:00.000 Jesus, bro.
01:18:01.000 It doesn't have to be about you, buddy. 0.99
01:18:03.000 We're talking about this hooker. 1.00
01:18:05.000 Yeah, he's a good guy. 0.99
01:18:06.000 I bet he is.
01:18:07.000 But isn't it fascinating, though, that a person who does that... 0.93
01:18:13.000 By the way, he always goes out of his way to be like, look, dude, I'm not a fucking $2 meet-me-in-the-alloway hoe. 1.00
01:18:19.000 I'm like, I know, but it's just fun to call a guy a hoe. 1.00
01:18:22.000 Yeah, he's got to accept the fact.
01:18:25.000 You know, what I was thinking that we were talking about earlier about this Ronda Rousey thing, why people are so mean.
01:18:33.000 And I think there's a certain there's always going to be like a certain backlash from someone who tries to be extraordinary because it makes us feel like weak and and And lazy in comparison and not as ambitious. 0.84
01:18:53.000 If someone wants to be the best at anything, if someone proclaims they're the best, whether it's Conor McGregor or whether it's Ronda Rousey, that fucking rush to make it to number one scares a lot of us.
01:19:07.000 Yeah, because it makes you look at what extent you're willing to go to for what you want to achieve.
01:19:12.000 And then it makes you go, am I actually doing things like fulfilling my own potential?
01:19:18.000 That's what those moments do.
01:19:20.000 And you almost want to punish them if it goes wrong, like way more than you want to punish anyone else for anything else that goes wrong.
01:19:28.000 So then let's put this in perspective because I just, by the way, I'm talking about friends of mine.
01:19:34.000 I'm not calling people out at all, but like I saw Kevin Hart today on CNN and it wasn't about comedy.
01:19:40.000 He was talking about how his job is now to inspire people to be better. 0.99
01:19:44.000 And I was like, that's odd that I would hear Kevin talk like that, because he is funny as shit. 0.99
01:19:49.000 And that's what he's really good at, is being fucking hilarious. 0.98
01:19:51.000 But apparently he's like a fitness guru, and he's on a different level now. 0.98
01:19:56.000 And I went, wow, is that the level where people start to fucking... 0.98
01:20:00.000 Like, what they did with Amy or what they did with Dane is like, you see a comic get bigger than that, and then all of a sudden everyone's like, slip up once and we'll fucking eat your lunch. 0.96
01:20:10.000 For sure there's a lot of that.
01:20:12.000 You know, it's like you want to celebrate the people that take the risk to climb to the highest mountains, but you want to mock them if they fall.
01:20:20.000 But it's oftentimes not the same people that are mocking them.
01:20:23.000 Like, we're all experiencing...
01:20:26.000 Obviously, I have zero animosity towards Ronda Rousey and 100% admiration for what she stands for as a competitor, what she tried to do and what she accomplished and the coming back thing.
01:20:40.000 So I don't experience it on the negative side, but the people that do, though, the people that feel like they have a free shot to go at, there's enough of them that it makes a difference.
01:20:52.000 So even if all the same people appreciate you whether you win or lose, the perspective shifts because so many more people that maybe you wouldn't ordinarily be in contact with who are negative are mocking it and really being absolutely vicious about the criticism and the way Trying to knock you down when you're already down.
01:21:16.000 It's not just a matter of it being accurate or funny, which you're going to always have that.
01:21:20.000 You're going to always have people that crack jokes and make fun.
01:21:23.000 It's always going to exist.
01:21:25.000 But there's this viciousness of attacking someone when they're down.
01:21:28.000 There's some venom in some of it.
01:21:30.000 There's some venom in everything.
01:21:31.000 And that's part of what me wonders.
01:21:33.000 Is that, like, I've never been cool with self-promotion.
01:21:37.000 It's always made me uncomfortable.
01:21:39.000 But I've seen people in our business that are very cool with it.
01:21:42.000 Well, you know, Kevin Hart is a master at it, you know?
01:21:45.000 But he knows what he's doing, and he's a very, very smart guy.
01:21:50.000 Very smart guy.
01:21:51.000 He's very smart on many levels.
01:21:54.000 But at the id, I wonder, I think Kevin, I don't know if Kevin would not say this.
01:21:59.000 He's aspiring to be a mogul.
01:22:01.000 He's aspiring to surpass not just being an entertainer, but to being a culture influencer.
01:22:09.000 And he is.
01:22:10.000 He already is.
01:22:11.000 He really is.
01:22:11.000 Why was that hard to say?
01:22:12.000 Culture influencer.
01:22:14.000 But he is.
01:22:15.000 No question about it.
01:22:16.000 I was just reading an article about him, and he's on the cover of Fast Company.
01:22:21.000 Yeah, I saw that.
01:22:21.000 I was reading the article, and it's just, it's incredible the amount of things he's going to Buy a studio, like a big warehouse, actually not far from here, and wants to produce TV shows,
01:22:37.000 movies, online content, all within there.
01:22:40.000 Continue to do movies.
01:22:41.000 Obviously, he has the stand-up.
01:22:43.000 He has endorsements from, like an athlete would, all these different movies.
01:22:47.000 He's got a shoe deal.
01:22:48.000 Shoot, he has an app.
01:22:51.000 He's a wizard.
01:22:52.000 Yeah, it's all these different things.
01:22:53.000 If you want to be that guy, you should follow his footsteps.
01:22:56.000 And by the way, he's that guy.
01:22:57.000 The other thing about Kevin, or at least that I only know him from when we were young starting, from that time, I don't know him.
01:23:05.000 I haven't talked to him in probably...
01:23:07.000 Probably 10 years.
01:23:09.000 I did a BET show with him.
01:23:10.000 Did you?
01:23:10.000 He's the greatest guy in the world.
01:23:12.000 He's the greatest fucking guy in the world. 0.99
01:23:13.000 I only met him once. 0.99
01:23:14.000 He's a very nice guy.
01:23:15.000 I have a funny story about him.
01:23:18.000 I bought a pair of Jordans one time at the mall.
01:23:21.000 I was going to play basketball and I bought Jordans.
01:23:23.000 I didn't know you didn't play basketball in Jordans.
01:23:25.000 Yeah.
01:23:26.000 You don't?
01:23:27.000 No.
01:23:28.000 That's the big thing.
01:23:29.000 Wait a minute.
01:23:30.000 That's the life lesson here.
01:23:32.000 What are you talking about? 0.99
01:23:34.000 When you're black... 1.00
01:23:35.000 Oh, are you black? 1.00
01:23:37.000 No, no, but this is the rule. 1.00
01:23:38.000 The Jordans are not meant for white guys. 1.00
01:23:41.000 What the fuck is going on? 1.00
01:23:43.000 Let me back this up. 1.00
01:23:43.000 Do you work for MTV News? 1.00
01:23:44.000 Tommy, stop me, Tommy, stop me.
01:23:45.000 I'm drunk already.
01:23:47.000 So, when you're... 1.00
01:23:50.000 When you're black, you play basketball in basketball shoes, like shitty shoes. 1.00
01:23:54.000 And Jordans are meant for going out. 0.99
01:23:56.000 Jordans are like nice shoes.
01:23:57.000 You don't wear them on the basketball court.
01:23:59.000 That's the rule.
01:23:59.000 I didn't know that.
01:24:00.000 I bought a pair of Jordans thinking I'd go play basketball.
01:24:02.000 They're the best basketball shoes.
01:24:03.000 That's not the rule.
01:24:04.000 So when you buy Jordans, they come in a Jordan bag.
01:24:07.000 They don't just come in like a Foot Locker bag.
01:24:08.000 They come in a Jordan bag.
01:24:10.000 Kevin Hart was in the mall, and he saw me and my buddy Croy walking through the mall, and I had a Jordan bag, and Kevin came up. 0.99
01:24:17.000 And he grabbed my Jordan bag from behind my back and he goes, give a damn Jordans! 0.99
01:24:22.000 And I turned around and all I saw was his skin color. 0.99
01:24:24.000 I didn't see Kevin.
01:24:25.000 And I went, help!
01:24:26.000 And I screamed and Kevin saw the racism in my eyes and went, oh, Bert.
01:24:31.000 And I was like, sorry, Kevin.
01:24:33.000 I didn't know it was you. 0.53
01:24:34.000 I thought it was just some black kid.
01:24:35.000 He was like, Bert! 0.97
01:24:37.000 Is that racism or are you being robbed by someone who could probably run faster than you? 1.00
01:24:43.000 What the fuck? 1.00
01:24:45.000 How is that racism? 1.00
01:24:46.000 But anyway...
01:24:47.000 I mean, if he wasn't trying to say, give me them Jordans...
01:24:50.000 Give me them Jordans! 1.00
01:24:50.000 He grabbed the bag and shook it, and I freaked, dude. 1.00
01:24:53.000 I jolted like a shark in the water. 0.99
01:24:55.000 Dude, if that was a Chinese guy, you'd be shitting your pants. 1.00
01:24:57.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:24:57.000 If somebody else, if they had been role reversed, if you had done that to somebody, there's a good chance you would have gotten punched. 0.99
01:25:02.000 Yeah, you would have gotten punched.
01:25:03.000 Or gone viral on YouTube.
01:25:04.000 I think that's a whole line of...
01:25:05.000 Somebody could definitely punch somebody if they don't expect it.
01:25:07.000 Yeah.
01:25:08.000 You know how sometimes you just catch someone and they're already on seven?
01:25:11.000 And you're like, hey, dude, how'd you get to seven?
01:25:13.000 Yeah.
01:25:13.000 You know?
01:25:15.000 What's going on?
01:25:16.000 Oh, sorry, man. 1.00
01:25:17.000 My fucking wife just fucking... 1.00
01:25:19.000 All right, dude. 1.00
01:25:19.000 Give me a hug, bro. 1.00
01:25:20.000 How did you get to seven?
01:25:22.000 Fired up.
01:25:23.000 Yeah, and we've all been like, you know, have you ever been in a road rage situation where someone cuts you off and you just get so much more mad than you normally would?
01:25:31.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:25:32.000 I got to know why you're like, you fucking cunt! 1.00
01:25:34.000 And you're like, where did this come from? 1.00
01:25:36.000 Like, I had to react. 1.00
01:25:38.000 Obviously, this person's an idiot. 1.00
01:25:39.000 This is a bad move. 1.00
01:25:40.000 But what is it that gets you to seven so quickly?
01:25:44.000 But do you get that less where you live versus Hollywood?
01:25:46.000 No, you can get it everywhere, man.
01:25:48.000 When I drive out where you live or where I live or where Tommy lives, like this area, it's a little chiller. 0.99
01:25:54.000 Hollywood is fucking too aggressive. 0.98
01:25:57.000 It's too much. 1.00
01:25:57.000 You know what's real aggressive? 1.00
01:25:58.000 Just outside of Hollywood.
01:25:59.000 Hollywood adjacent.
01:26:00.000 Where they can't quite live in Hollywood, but they're right next to it and they work there and they get...
01:26:04.000 Studio City-ish.
01:26:07.000 You know, like Sherman Oaks-ish. 1.00
01:26:08.000 A lot of fucking crazy drivers out there. 1.00
01:26:10.000 Teeth gritters. 1.00
01:26:11.000 You ever arrive somewhere at a 7?
01:26:13.000 Like yourself?
01:26:14.000 You know, like you're checking at a hotel.
01:26:15.000 Oh, yeah.
01:26:16.000 I've done that where I've... 0.56
01:26:18.000 It's a bunch of shit led to me getting there, and then I have an exchange with somebody, and then later I'll go back and be like, hey, I just want to tell you earlier, when I got here I felt like I was a little short with you, and they're like, oh, no problem. 0.86
01:26:32.000 They're always very much downplaying it, but I'll feel bad about it. 0.98
01:26:36.000 I had a fight with a car driver, a guy that drove me from the airport in front of my house. 0.97
01:26:43.000 Like, not a fist fight, but a verbal fucking... 0.98
01:26:45.000 Because he was late. 0.99
01:26:46.000 He was like 30 minutes late to pick me up.
01:26:48.000 And then when he did show up, he was at the wrong terminal.
01:26:50.000 And then when he did get me, he blamed it on me for not telling him where I was landing.
01:26:54.000 And I was like, that's not my job.
01:26:55.000 And then when he dropped me off, he got mad at me because I didn't speak to him the whole ride home.
01:27:00.000 I had headsets in. 0.99
01:27:01.000 And I fucking... 0.99
01:27:02.000 He told you that? 1.00
01:27:03.000 Wait a minute.
01:27:03.000 He actually said he...
01:27:05.000 What did he say?
01:27:06.000 I said, I go...
01:27:07.000 I want to talk to you, man.
01:27:08.000 I want to get to know you.
01:27:08.000 I said to him, I got out, and I go, I got to be honest with you, man.
01:27:11.000 That's not the best service I've ever had.
01:27:13.000 And he goes, well, it was a little disrespectful you not speaking to me.
01:27:16.000 And I was like, what?
01:27:18.000 And he goes, you didn't talk to me the whole ride.
01:27:19.000 That's disrespectful. 0.99
01:27:20.000 I went, it's not my fucking job to entertain you. 1.00
01:27:23.000 I go, your job is to drive. 0.99
01:27:24.000 Do you think I hired you to have a conversation?
01:27:26.000 But I realized I'm having this fight with this guy in front of my house, and I don't know anything about him.
01:27:31.000 And I was like...
01:27:31.000 And then I was like...
01:27:33.000 And by the way, I was going to tip him in the middle of...
01:27:36.000 As he's yelling at you?
01:27:36.000 I had 20 bucks in my hand, and I go, just so you know, that wasn't the best experience I've had, or whatever.
01:27:41.000 And then I had the 20 bucks in my hand, and he was like, I was very disrespectful. 0.99
01:27:43.000 And then we started going back and forth, and then I was like, fuck you, I'm not giving this to you. 1.00
01:27:47.000 And then, in a weird way, I went, Bert, give it to him, or he's gonna come back and murder your family. 1.00
01:27:50.000 And so I was like, all right, you know what, take it, we're even.
01:27:52.000 And then I had to come back and go, I apologize. 0.95
01:27:56.000 And this is the weird part about my brain that is what I started this whole fucking talk about is, is that I start going, hey, Bert, How important in this fucking spectrum of life is it that this guy is 30? 0.94
01:28:07.000 How often have you been 30 minutes late? 0.98
01:28:09.000 How often have you been 30 minutes late and then maybe got an attitude because you were defensive?
01:28:12.000 I don't know. 0.97
01:28:13.000 Maybe this guy was a cuckold. 0.95
01:28:14.000 I don't know. 0.92
01:28:14.000 That's what I thought about today when you were late. 0.92
01:28:17.000 I wasn't late.
01:28:17.000 It was two minutes late.
01:28:19.000 I ran here. 0.98
01:28:20.000 To no fucking avail. 0.98
01:28:22.000 It was close. 0.99
01:28:23.000 I should have my Uber driver drop me off in front of the place.
01:28:25.000 You know what, man?
01:28:26.000 I mean, I think the reality of people talking to each other is we come at exchanges sometimes and things get started like right away.
01:28:33.000 Like something goes wrong with him.
01:28:36.000 And he shows up late, and so your interaction with him is already unbalanced, because you expect him to be apologetic, but how could he really apologize? 0.99
01:28:43.000 You fucked up, you did, so now I know who you are. 0.99
01:28:46.000 You're that guy who doesn't take his job that seriously, and you're going to drive me. 1.00
01:28:49.000 I'm just going to put my headsets in, and he's mad at you that you do that.
01:28:53.000 There's a lot of things going on there, man.
01:28:55.000 And maybe if he showed up on time, the same guy, and you would have had a great old time.
01:29:00.000 Maybe there's a moment where he's driving and my headsets are in and they're really good noise reduction headsets.
01:29:04.000 They're molds to your ear.
01:29:06.000 Maybe he was driving and he's like, hey man, I'm really sorry. 0.99
01:29:08.000 I'm going through a lot of shit. 0.95
01:29:09.000 And he gives me his heartfelt speech and I'm just like this. 0.99
01:29:13.000 I mean, I don't know.
01:29:14.000 There's a lot of scenarios.
01:29:16.000 That could have happened for sure.
01:29:17.000 You do a lot of things out of assumptions, you know?
01:29:20.000 You make assumptions. 1.00
01:29:21.000 Always like, eh, but he looked like this, and then the way that he looked, I know that guy's an asshole. 1.00
01:29:27.000 Are you ready for the difference of what you look like? 0.99
01:29:30.000 Because Tommy looks different.
01:29:32.000 I mean, I'm being serious when I say that.
01:29:33.000 Oh, physically?
01:29:34.000 Yeah, physically.
01:29:34.000 From the weight loss?
01:29:35.000 You look...
01:29:37.000 There's a non-assumingness to you.
01:29:40.000 Like when I watched your last special, Mostly Stories?
01:29:43.000 Is that the way you're supposed to say it?
01:29:44.000 Mostly Stories?
01:29:45.000 Yeah, like that.
01:29:47.000 Kansas City Improv this weekend? 0.99
01:29:49.000 But there is like a real fucking coolness to you. 0.99
01:29:52.000 Like a Carmel coolness to you. 1.00
01:29:54.000 But now you look like a fucking... 0.99
01:29:57.000 And so when you meet people, do you see people perceiving you differently? 1.00
01:30:03.000 Not really.
01:30:04.000 I mean, most people that would come to my show...
01:30:09.000 Not those people.
01:30:09.000 I'm talking about Starbucks.
01:30:12.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:30:13.000 Look at the difference between you and them. 1.00
01:30:15.000 Holy shit, Tom. 1.00
01:30:19.000 Wow. 1.00
01:30:19.000 I don't see any difference. 1.00
01:30:20.000 Are you fucking kidding me? 0.99
01:30:22.000 Yes, I am. 1.00
01:30:24.000 Holy shit. 1.00
01:30:26.000 Your fucking neck is bigger. 1.00
01:30:28.000 Your head's bigger. 1.00
01:30:29.000 Your face is bigger. 0.89
01:30:30.000 Your shoulders are bigger. 0.80
01:30:31.000 Your face is so much bigger.
01:30:32.000 So much bigger.
01:30:33.000 Everything's bigger.
01:30:34.000 Your fingers.
01:30:35.000 Is your ring looser?
01:30:36.000 Yes.
01:30:37.000 Do you feel like God's telling us we should cheat?
01:30:39.000 Take it off! 0.99
01:30:43.000 You look good, Tom, and Burt run trains on bitches on the road! 1.00
01:30:47.000 Yeah, pull up Burt's special. 0.98
01:30:51.000 What's it called?
01:30:52.000 Sometimes...
01:30:52.000 Nah, I'm only 15 pounds lighter.
01:30:54.000 It's not that bad.
01:30:55.000 You only lost 15 pounds.
01:30:57.000 What are you talking about?
01:30:57.000 In that from the special.
01:30:59.000 The special I shot nine months ago.
01:31:01.000 You lost weight for the special?
01:31:01.000 Showtime, yeah.
01:31:01.000 I lost weight for the special.
01:31:03.000 Do you got...
01:31:03.000 Wait a minute.
01:31:04.000 No, no, no.
01:31:04.000 You want to see a good one?
01:31:06.000 There we go.
01:31:06.000 Pull up Ari Shafir's Flying Dildos.
01:31:09.000 Look at that one right there. 0.85
01:31:09.000 Look at that one right there. 0.85
01:31:11.000 That's not as good as Flying Dildos.
01:31:12.000 Go to Flying Dildos. 0.92
01:31:13.000 This is when I was on a banner with Stan Hope.
01:31:14.000 Oh, yes.
01:31:14.000 He's right.
01:31:15.000 He's right.
01:31:16.000 Ari Shafir's Flying Dildos.
01:31:19.000 Yeah, it's on YouTube.
01:31:20.000 Yes, he is right.
01:31:21.000 It just posted today.
01:31:23.000 Go to video and you'll see me...
01:31:25.000 Oh, this is me just obese.
01:31:28.000 What about that picture right there?
01:31:30.000 The one with the pole?
01:31:32.000 Can't you go full screen on that, though?
01:31:34.000 No.
01:31:35.000 But yeah, you look...
01:31:36.000 You definitely look...
01:31:37.000 Oh my god.
01:31:37.000 I look Chinese.
01:31:38.000 You look a lot fatter.
01:31:39.000 You look so happy and fatter.
01:31:41.000 Were you baked there?
01:31:41.000 What a beautiful suit Ari has on.
01:31:43.000 So fucked up. 0.99
01:31:44.000 Is that one of those Hong Kong suits Ari got? 1.00
01:31:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
01:31:46.000 That's a beautiful goddamn suit. 1.00
01:31:47.000 The ruffles and the collar and everything. 0.99
01:31:49.000 I got a couple there, too.
01:31:50.000 It's like a fun little experience to go through.
01:31:53.000 Really?
01:31:53.000 Yeah.
01:31:54.000 In Hong Kong?
01:31:54.000 In Hong Kong, yeah.
01:31:55.000 Wow.
01:31:56.000 That's the only thing that's changed, is this little fold right here.
01:32:00.000 My belly started folding over.
01:32:02.000 I wanted to get rid of that immediately.
01:32:04.000 Wait, what size are you there?
01:32:05.000 What weight are you?
01:32:06.000 Probably 250. Wow.
01:32:09.000 Dude, you look really different. 0.99
01:32:10.000 Well, dude, you still lost 30 fucking pounds. 0.96
01:32:13.000 I mean, you're kind of down on yourself a little bit in this thing. 0.99
01:32:16.000 That's a giant accomplishment.
01:32:17.000 You know how few people have the willpower to lose 30 pounds like that in that quick of amount of time?
01:32:22.000 I mean, that was a Herculean effort.
01:32:24.000 You guys, I don't even...
01:32:26.000 Even know if you understand the impact that it has on people.
01:32:30.000 When someone does that and you see people do it, there's so many people out there right now that didn't think that they had the ability inside them to do it, but they love you guys and they listen to your podcasts and they hang out with you guys and you do shows in their town, they come to the show.
01:32:45.000 They know that you did it.
01:32:46.000 You did it.
01:32:49.000 I know you're a person.
01:32:50.000 You did it.
01:32:51.000 I'm 30 pounds overweight.
01:32:52.000 I want to lose the weight.
01:32:53.000 I know Bert did it.
01:32:53.000 I can do it too now.
01:32:55.000 That's real, man.
01:32:56.000 Those are the cool tweets we get.
01:32:57.000 I know.
01:32:57.000 There's been a lot of really cool ones where you go, like, hey, man.
01:33:01.000 And I like when they do it and there's a joke attached to it, but they go, hey, man, this has been the coolest thing I've ever seen.
01:33:07.000 Kamal Bell.
01:33:08.000 Did you see his tweet?
01:33:09.000 Yes, I did.
01:33:09.000 Kamal Bell was like, I didn't think this would be as fun as it is.
01:33:12.000 This is awesome.
01:33:13.000 I want to be a part of it.
01:33:13.000 Yeah, he wants to lose some weight.
01:33:15.000 I thought that was really cool. 0.99
01:33:16.000 Kamal's such a fucking great guy. 0.98
01:33:18.000 He's a really nice guy. 0.99
01:33:19.000 I've had him on before.
01:33:20.000 He's a super nice guy.
01:33:21.000 Super smart.
01:33:22.000 Funny.
01:33:23.000 Yeah, we're talking about doing another one.
01:33:24.000 That would be great if you wanted to do that.
01:33:25.000 Who does he want to do it with?
01:33:26.000 I don't know.
01:33:27.000 He's got to pick it.
01:33:27.000 Find a buddy that wants to do it.
01:33:28.000 Mike Lawrence.
01:33:29.000 Mike Lawrence.
01:33:30.000 Pick someone you hate.
01:33:31.000 That's what I did.
01:33:33.000 Yeah, it's gotta be someone you love so it's good-natured and it's fun and it's encouraging.
01:33:38.000 You know, and then people could do it too.
01:33:40.000 It could become like your own personal roast battle.
01:33:43.000 Dude, there were shots fired back and forth from between me and Tom.
01:33:47.000 That was what made it fun though, I think.
01:33:49.000 The videos, man.
01:33:49.000 The videos that we played yesterday.
01:33:51.000 As a fan, I would have been like, I like these guys, this is what I'm fucking talking about. 0.94
01:33:57.000 Yeah, yours. 0.99
01:33:58.000 Tommy, drink your vodka soda.
01:34:00.000 What's up?
01:34:00.000 So dehydrated.
01:34:01.000 Come on, just drink it.
01:34:02.000 Hold on.
01:34:02.000 Ari responded on the end of his podcast he released today.
01:34:05.000 Yeah.
01:34:05.000 Do you want me to play what he says?
01:34:06.000 I know what he says.
01:34:07.000 I know what he says.
01:34:08.000 I know what he says.
01:34:08.000 I know what he says.
01:34:09.000 What'd he say?
01:34:09.000 Just play it.
01:34:10.000 I think it's better to hear live.
01:34:10.000 Let's play it.
01:34:11.000 Let's play it. 1.00
01:34:12.000 Talk shit about him. 1.00
01:34:12.000 Nope, I know exactly what this is. 1.00
01:34:14.000 That son of a bitch. 1.00
01:34:15.000 Come on, Tommy, drink some fucking vodka. 1.00
01:34:16.000 Mark Norman for inviting me over to your place. 1.00
01:34:20.000 I love him.
01:34:22.000 Alright, the bet took place.
01:34:24.000 He's one of my favorite people ever.
01:34:25.000 The bet took place, and I didn't...
01:34:28.000 First of all, there's no way in my mind I expected to lose that bet. 0.98
01:34:32.000 For one of them to be below obese was fucking beyond incomprehensible. 0.89
01:34:38.000 For both of them, it was a sure thing for me. 0.98
01:34:42.000 It was a sure thing. 0.98
01:34:43.000 I mean, in terms of bag of bets like we do on Punch Drunk, this one, a sporting event, fucking golden. 0.97
01:34:50.000 I've got it in the bag. 0.96
01:34:52.000 Of course they're not both going to be under obese.
01:34:55.000 And I guess they are.
01:34:56.000 I mean, I hope, I'm hoping that tomorrow they're going to weigh in.
01:35:02.000 And they're going to be a little bigger.
01:35:03.000 And maybe Segura will only be six feet tall. 0.99
01:35:05.000 If he's six feet tall, he's right on the border right now of obese or not obese.
01:35:08.000 It's that 6'1 thing that gets him under.
01:35:10.000 Six feet, he gains about a point and a half on his BMI. That's one of my only hopes.
01:35:16.000 That tape measure...
01:35:17.000 If he's 5'11", then I'm good.
01:35:19.000 But it doesn't seem like people are believing that. 0.98
01:35:21.000 But Segura said he was 5'11", and now I got these people fucking threatening me on social media. 0.89
01:35:27.000 I've got people threatening me and telling me, like, to call me Welcher. 0.50
01:35:33.000 We haven't even had the two weigh-ins yet.
01:35:35.000 We're supposed to have three weigh-ins, but fine.
01:35:37.000 Forgo the first one, the first.
01:35:38.000 I assume they did that one at home.
01:35:40.000 At Rogan, second and third.
01:35:42.000 Two days in a row.
01:35:43.000 They got it.
01:35:43.000 So I haven't even officially lost yet.
01:35:45.000 I got people threatening me.
01:35:47.000 I don't feel safe.
01:35:48.000 They know what city I live in.
01:35:50.000 And then, these are my friends.
01:35:52.000 My friends are coming at me.
01:35:54.000 I was like, alright.
01:35:57.000 Off chance I lose.
01:35:59.000 We all go to a Dodger game?
01:36:01.000 That'll be fun.
01:36:03.000 That'll be fun.
01:36:04.000 You lost some weight.
01:36:05.000 Girl, no, don't have a Dodger dog. 1.00
01:36:07.000 Don't have the extra large one. 1.00
01:36:09.000 Burt Crusher eats barbecue fucking seven times a week. 0.99
01:36:12.000 How in the world did he lose 15 pounds? 1.00
01:36:15.000 15. 30. I mean, how does that happen?
01:36:22.000 And then I got my friends that hit me up for fucking... 0.98
01:36:26.000 They want first class tickets to Europe. 0.99
01:36:28.000 Yeah.
01:36:31.000 I don't know what to do. 0.98
01:36:32.000 I can't fucking... 0.99
01:36:33.000 I'm flustered. 0.99
01:36:39.000 I'm flustered for sure.
01:36:40.000 I'm afraid.
01:36:42.000 I can't be here with this.
01:36:44.000 I can't be here with them coming after me like this.
01:36:49.000 They haven't even waited the second day, but it's going to happen.
01:36:51.000 I know it's going to happen tomorrow.
01:36:52.000 So if they each lose a pound...
01:36:57.000 Unless Tom's 5'11".
01:36:59.000 I mean, that's a chance.
01:37:01.000 If Tom's 5'11", I got a chance.
01:37:04.000 That would mean he'd win the bet for most lost weight, but they wouldn't both be under obese. 0.99
01:37:10.000 So fucking Burt would have to... 0.99
01:37:13.000 You guys, you haven't dealt with this kind of backlash. 0.99
01:37:19.000 Until you've dealt with it, you haven't dealt with it.
01:37:21.000 That guy who killed the lion...
01:37:24.000 In Zimbabwe or Zaire or one of those places.
01:37:27.000 There was just a Z's in Africa. 1.00
01:37:30.000 There was just a Z's in Africa! 1.00
01:37:31.000 Someone got on him for killing chutney.
01:37:34.000 Until you find out, oh, there's 80 lions get killed every year.
01:37:37.000 They gotta keep the population down and they start killing babies.
01:37:40.000 Human babies. 0.97
01:37:41.000 But nobody cares about that. 1.00
01:37:42.000 So this fucking dentist in Rhode Island has to face death threats all the time. 1.00
01:37:46.000 You don't know what it's like to get a fucking e-rage against you. 1.00
01:37:49.000 And these people are coming at me. 0.99
01:37:51.000 And my phone calls, my texts...
01:37:54.000 First of all, I can't text thread with a flip phone.
01:37:56.000 So every text comes in new.
01:37:57.000 They ask questions.
01:37:58.000 I'm like, what does that mean?
01:37:59.000 I have to delete my text after a while because I have to make room for old ones.
01:38:02.000 So you got Segura saying, open up your wallet. 0.93
01:38:05.000 You haven't even fucking won the bet yet. 0.97
01:38:08.000 Who watches football? 0.99
01:38:09.000 Who watches European football?
01:38:11.000 I can't do this.
01:38:12.000 I can't deal with it.
01:38:13.000 Listen to me. 0.99
01:38:13.000 I'm fucking flustered. 0.99
01:38:19.000 It's very possible that he's under height. 0.99
01:38:22.000 Barring that, I don't know.
01:38:25.000 I can't be here for this.
01:38:26.000 I can't be here with them coming after me.
01:38:28.000 I gotta get out of here.
01:38:30.000 Hilarious, man. 0.91
01:38:32.000 I gotta get the fuck out of here. 0.89
01:38:34.000 And I gotta get away from this. 0.94
01:38:36.000 Until I can figure out what to do.
01:38:40.000 That's what I gotta do.
01:38:41.000 That's what I gotta do. 0.93
01:38:42.000 I gotta get the fuck away from this. 0.96
01:38:47.000 Yeah. 0.96
01:38:50.000 Yeah, that's my answer.
01:38:52.000 That's it!
01:38:54.000 Yeah!
01:38:55.000 Yeah, that's it.
01:38:56.000 Okay, anybody who wants to listen to the rest of it or all of it, Orange Fear, Skeptic Tanks, one of my favorite podcasts.
01:39:01.000 I listen to it all the time.
01:39:03.000 It's awesome.
01:39:03.000 I recommend the Henry Rollins one, which Bert scoffed at.
01:39:07.000 I didn't scoff.
01:39:08.000 Henry Rollins is different than I am.
01:39:09.000 You were extremely dismissive of him. 1.00
01:39:12.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00
01:39:12.000 Yeah, it was insulting. 1.00
01:39:14.000 He's got a gang of them.
01:39:15.000 Dave Smith is a great one.
01:39:17.000 No, no, the best one is Running of the Bulls.
01:39:19.000 Oh, that's a great one, too. 0.99
01:39:21.000 It's a fucking great one. 0.99
01:39:21.000 He's got a lot of great ones. 0.99
01:39:22.000 Ari has a really, really good podcast.
01:39:25.000 He's going to run off the map right now for a while.
01:39:27.000 He's disappeared.
01:39:28.000 Good, good, good.
01:39:29.000 He needs to.
01:39:30.000 I mean, if he thinks he needs to, he needs to.
01:39:32.000 What I love about what Ari's doing... 0.97
01:39:34.000 Is he's living his life 100% on his terms.
01:39:37.000 He's not doing it by anybody else's standards.
01:39:39.000 And he's doing the exact, what I think, the best thing a comic can do if he makes it.
01:39:46.000 Once you make it, relax.
01:39:48.000 And just have fun.
01:39:49.000 And be yourself. 0.68
01:39:50.000 And only do the things you want to do and don't let them suck into nonsense.
01:39:53.000 But you've been on both sides of that fence.
01:39:54.000 Yeah, for sure.
01:39:55.000 The fear factor was...
01:39:57.000 I'm talking post-family, pre-family.
01:40:00.000 Yeah, that too.
01:40:01.000 Oh yeah, that's a different thing.
01:40:02.000 I mean, if he had a family, it would be a totally different thing.
01:40:05.000 Or if he even considered having one, or even a girlfriend, it would be a different thing.
01:40:09.000 But he's been tied down in the past, and right now what Ari's enjoying is creating stand-up, doing stand-up, doing his podcast, and just enjoying life, and enhancing his perspective, and taking it all in.
01:40:23.000 And these trips that he goes on, He's orchestrating them.
01:40:27.000 He wants to see things.
01:40:28.000 He wants to absorb experiences from other parts of the world, and it's all enhancing his stand-up, too.
01:40:35.000 That's very accurate.
01:40:36.000 And I say this from my perspective.
01:40:40.000 As probably an expert in world travel, I would tell you, Ari does it better than anybody. 1.00
01:40:45.000 And I'm not even fucking around. 0.93
01:40:46.000 I've done it for seven years straight. 0.97
01:40:48.000 But Ari went to Switzerland and had a different life experience than I did. 1.00
01:40:52.000 And I went, now mine was under production, but like, he really does it great.
01:40:57.000 I wanted to pitch a show so bad that we're, you know, because Ari's disappearing right now, I wanted to pitch a show and go, can I find Ari? 0.99
01:41:05.000 Like, can I find him?
01:41:06.000 Well, you'll be able to find him.
01:41:08.000 It's social media.
01:41:08.000 No, he's going off the grid.
01:41:11.000 He's going off the fucking grid. 1.00
01:41:12.000 What does that mean, though? 0.99
01:41:13.000 He wants to go where there's, you know, he's not bringing any laptop or anything like that.
01:41:18.000 He's disappearing for real.
01:41:19.000 But other people have phones, and if they see him, they'll say, oh, Ari's in Sweden.
01:41:24.000 No, no, no. 0.96
01:41:24.000 I think he's going to, like, Micronesia or some shit. 0.96
01:41:27.000 Yeah, he's trying to go off-path stuff, too. 0.81
01:41:29.000 He's trying to get malaria.
01:41:29.000 Yeah.
01:41:30.000 Hope he takes the pills.
01:41:31.000 I told him to take...
01:41:32.000 Dude, do not take the pills.
01:41:33.000 Malaria pills?
01:41:34.000 We talked about... 1.00
01:41:35.000 I had fucking horrific... 0.99
01:41:36.000 You get the injections, though. 1.00
01:41:37.000 I had a horrific experience on...
01:41:38.000 What should you do?
01:41:39.000 Vaccinations.
01:41:40.000 Vaccinations?
01:41:40.000 Yeah.
01:41:41.000 Or just don't take them at all, because you're probably not going to get malaria.
01:41:43.000 What?
01:41:44.000 I thought a lot of people get malaria.
01:41:45.000 No, no.
01:41:46.000 I've talked to you about this on your podcast. 0.99
01:41:49.000 I took malaria pills and I was fucking... 0.99
01:41:51.000 Right. 0.99
01:41:51.000 I was off the charts for a while. 0.99
01:41:53.000 My friend Justin Wren got malaria three times, though.
01:41:56.000 Three times? 1.00
01:41:56.000 Dude, fuck malaria. 1.00
01:41:59.000 Dengue fever is the one you don't want to get. 1.00
01:42:00.000 Well, malaria has killed half the people that have ever lived.
01:42:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the books.
01:42:05.000 Or half the people that have ever died.
01:42:06.000 Half the people that have ever died have died from malaria.
01:42:09.000 Yeah, but that's before they had malaria pills.
01:42:12.000 Don't take them, though.
01:42:18.000 Do you understand the preposterousness of getting advice from me now, sir?
01:42:21.000 Light that up one more time. 0.99
01:42:23.000 Tommy, let's see how fucked up we can get. 0.99
01:42:24.000 What? 0.99
01:42:25.000 Come on, Tommy.
01:42:27.000 Come on.
01:42:28.000 Pretend you're big Tommy.
01:42:31.000 Ours?
01:42:31.000 Yeah.
01:42:32.000 Ours is super happy that his rich friend decided to step in and foot the bill. 1.00
01:42:36.000 Fuck, yeah. 1.00
01:42:37.000 Hey, Joe, did you ever hear the Ballad of Big Tommy Buns? 1.00
01:42:40.000 That was pretty fun.
01:42:41.000 The song I wrote?
01:42:42.000 No.
01:42:42.000 I'm not going to let you play it here, but I wrote a song about Tom.
01:42:46.000 And that was the greatest part of this whole thing.
01:42:49.000 You wrote a song?
01:42:50.000 Oh, yeah.
01:42:51.000 You wrote and played and sang.
01:42:53.000 I wrote and played and sang a song called The Ballad of Big Tummy Buns.
01:42:55.000 Oh, how dare you.
01:42:57.000 But the one cool thing about this, and this is esoteric.
01:43:01.000 I might as well hit this.
01:43:02.000 I don't think I've ever said anything's esoteric, but please continue.
01:43:06.000 You never said it before you hit a joint?
01:43:07.000 I never said this is esoteric. 0.99
01:43:09.000 This is so fucking hyperbole. 0.95
01:43:11.000 I don't even think I exactly know what esoteric means. 0.98
01:43:14.000 I don't either, Joe, but it sounds good in a sentence.
01:43:16.000 Like, give me the exact definition of esoteric.
01:43:19.000 Yeah, pull that up, would you?
01:43:21.000 Okay, what do you think esoteric means?
01:43:23.000 It's out there.
01:43:24.000 Yeah, right.
01:43:27.000 What does it mean here?
01:43:29.000 Intended or likely to be understood by a small number of people with specialized knowledge.
01:43:32.000 This is esoteric, Joe.
01:43:33.000 This is esoteric.
01:43:35.000 What I'm about to say is esoteric.
01:43:37.000 Okay.
01:43:38.000 Intended or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest or an enlightened inner circle.
01:43:46.000 Joe Rogan, this is esoteric, what I'm about to say, and you will get this more than anyone.
01:43:50.000 That's a lot of pressure.
01:43:52.000 Hit that and then listen.
01:43:54.000 I think you'll get it.
01:43:56.000 Do you know how sometimes when you work for a corporation and your paycheck is dependent on that corporation's approval?
01:44:01.000 Not right now.
01:44:02.000 I'm in the middle of an esoteric statement.
01:44:03.000 Yes.
01:44:04.000 Okay.
01:44:05.000 Esoteric.
01:44:06.000 And then you get out from under that corporation and all of a sudden you're the one that kind of...
01:44:10.000 You almost feel your creativity again.
01:44:14.000 You go like... 1.00
01:44:15.000 Oh fuck, I forgot I'm a really great stand-up. 0.99
01:44:17.000 I forgot that I'm passionate about making videos. 0.99
01:44:21.000 And you go, oh, I can be my own voice.
01:44:23.000 It's my own ship now.
01:44:25.000 I forgot that when I started this business, the goal wasn't to get under the umbrella. 1.00
01:44:30.000 The goal was to be out there in the fucking ocean by myself and sailing my own ship and saying, go take a left, fuck it. 0.99
01:44:38.000 This weight loss battle coincided with my decision to stop being under contract for Travel Channel. 1.00
01:44:45.000 And I was really lost.
01:44:47.000 I was really lost and I was like, I didn't know if I should just take another television deal or just do another deal.
01:44:54.000 I didn't know what to do.
01:44:55.000 I really didn't know what to do.
01:44:56.000 And this weight loss battle happened around that time, and like Bill Burr says poetically, I started taking on water and I felt fucking crazy about it.
01:45:05.000 And then one morning I woke up and I went, oh, Tom's having a lot of fun with this.
01:45:09.000 Like, he's having fun.
01:45:10.000 Him and Bush are having a lot of fun.
01:45:11.000 And I was like, I'm going to write a song. 1.00
01:45:13.000 And I wrote a song, and I wrote this stupid song. 0.98
01:45:16.000 But it was like, I felt very creative, and I didn't feel like there was any parameters on me anymore. 0.99
01:45:21.000 And I was like...
01:45:22.000 Oh, this is what my career is about.
01:45:23.000 My career is about doing everything I like and everything I like.
01:45:27.000 And if you like what I like, come see me do stand-up. 1.00
01:45:29.000 But if you don't like what I like, like, fuck it. 1.00
01:45:31.000 This is what I like to do. 1.00
01:45:32.000 This is my walk.
01:45:34.000 This is my walk through the woods.
01:45:36.000 And it was like, and I know that, I don't think Tommy can attest to that as much as you can because being under Fear Factor, I don't think you ever were like under anyone's control.
01:45:44.000 There's definitely a corporate umbrella that you're under where you're like, oh, I can't, you know, how long did I not smoke pot on camera?
01:45:50.000 Yeah, for a long time. 0.96
01:45:51.000 Yeah, and so as soon as that fucking happened, all that happened, I wrote that song, and it was like, it was one of those moments where he was just like, oh, I get to do whatever the fuck I want to do anymore. 0.82
01:45:59.000 Like, I'm just a dude that likes for comedy. 0.97
01:46:02.000 The same way Ari is, where he goes, I'm getting off the grid, that freedom.
01:46:05.000 That freedom, man.
01:46:06.000 Being untethered.
01:46:07.000 Ari and I had a long podcast about being untethered.
01:46:10.000 But being untethered is so cool as an artist.
01:46:12.000 You just get to do what you want to do.
01:46:14.000 That's why we probably love guys like Ron White, Jim Jefferies, these guys that are Bill Burr.
01:46:20.000 They're just untethered.
01:46:21.000 And Ari.
01:46:23.000 I get inspired by the way Ari's living.
01:46:26.000 I really do.
01:46:27.000 It gives me enthusiasm.
01:46:30.000 He's having fun.
01:46:31.000 He's creating.
01:46:32.000 He's doing stand-up.
01:46:33.000 He's making rational choices regardless of how much money it'll cost him.
01:46:38.000 And he's like, this is what I want to do for my art.
01:46:39.000 This is what I want to do for my stand-up.
01:46:41.000 I'm taking time off.
01:46:41.000 I'm just going to go experience life and write.
01:46:44.000 And people are like, what?
01:46:45.000 What are you doing?
01:46:46.000 Where are you going?
01:46:46.000 And he's like, this is what I'm doing.
01:46:48.000 Just stop.
01:46:48.000 I know what I'm doing.
01:46:49.000 Stop.
01:46:49.000 He knows what he's doing.
01:46:50.000 He knows what he's doing.
01:46:51.000 It's like, for me, haven't known him since he was an open miker.
01:46:55.000 Yeah, you've really seen them.
01:46:57.000 You've known them in a way that I don't know them.
01:47:00.000 Like, we were talking about you one time in front of his apartment.
01:47:02.000 Those are the best...
01:47:03.000 You know that we've had them, too.
01:47:05.000 When you go to take someone home, you drop them off in front of their house, but you sit and talk for 10 more minutes.
01:47:08.000 You had one with Bill Burr that I wish I had.
01:47:11.000 Yeah, it's great.
01:47:12.000 But Ari dropped me off, and he was like, we were talking about...
01:47:15.000 We were just talking about intimacy levels.
01:47:17.000 Like, this is going to sound silly, and I'm not going to call Ari out, but I'll say this is what we were talking about.
01:47:22.000 We were talking about, like, how much...
01:47:25.000 We were talking about you, and I said something like, oh, I texted him.
01:47:29.000 I said, I feel bad texting him again.
01:47:30.000 And Ari goes, oh, I don't want to text him too much either.
01:47:33.000 And I said, yeah, but he's our friend.
01:47:34.000 We should be able to text him the way we text each other.
01:47:36.000 And he goes, I know, but I don't want to bother him.
01:47:38.000 And I go, yeah, but he'd do it to us.
01:47:40.000 And we were like, yeah, we're having this really kind of crazy conversation.
01:47:43.000 And I realized Ari and I are like, that those moments in life are like so precious. 0.97
01:47:47.000 But I don't know where the fuck this story was going. 0.92
01:47:50.000 How come you guys are scared to text me? 0.99
01:47:52.000 We're scared to text like Bill.
01:47:54.000 I do the same with Bill.
01:47:55.000 You're scared to text Bill?
01:47:56.000 Yeah.
01:47:57.000 I'm scared of follow-up.
01:47:58.000 I text Bill.
01:47:59.000 I'll text him right now.
01:48:00.000 I'll text him right now.
01:48:01.000 And either he replies in like a day and a day.
01:48:04.000 Are you needy?
01:48:05.000 No.
01:48:06.000 No.
01:48:07.000 Look, this is going to sound...
01:48:08.000 Tommy, back me up.
01:48:09.000 Please back me up on this.
01:48:10.000 Yes, I will.
01:48:11.000 But I text Bill, hey man, are we doing this thing on Monday? 0.98
01:48:17.000 And then I don't get a reply, and I go, I'm not going to fucking bother him. 0.90
01:48:19.000 I do the same. 0.96
01:48:20.000 Because I know he's got a lot of shit going on, and I have shit going on too, but trust me, and you guys know, if you or you or Ari or Joey or Bill or any of you guys text me, this is my first reply. 0.98
01:48:30.000 Right. 0.99
01:48:30.000 Like I go, oh, yep, right on it. 0.99
01:48:32.000 Like you can see my bubble come up in the bottom before you're done typing.
01:48:36.000 Yeah, it's a weird requirement, right?
01:48:37.000 Like there's times where, and more so lately than ever, that I've been just putting my phone in like, put it in the other room and I just leave it alone for hours.
01:48:45.000 Yeah.
01:48:45.000 I think that that's...
01:48:47.000 That's not a bad thing to do, man.
01:48:49.000 It's tough to do.
01:48:50.000 Everybody checks their phone during podcasts, and everybody checks their phone during the movies.
01:48:54.000 Young Jamie, how much?
01:48:56.000 Yeah, well, I mean, we have another hour of podcasting.
01:48:58.000 We should do that.
01:48:58.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:48:59.000 It's only one.
01:49:00.000 What?
01:49:00.000 You don't want to trim that beard yet?
01:49:02.000 You want to do it now?
01:49:03.000 You want to do it on the air?
01:49:04.000 I think we should.
01:49:04.000 No, we're definitely doing it on the air.
01:49:05.000 Okay, do you want to trim his beard?
01:49:07.000 Definitely.
01:49:08.000 Yeah, okay.
01:49:08.000 But you've got to sit side-saddle on me.
01:49:09.000 Okay.
01:49:11.000 That's only going to take about 10-15 minutes, so we'll wait till the end.
01:49:14.000 We'll wrap it up with that.
01:49:15.000 Wrap it up with the shaving.
01:49:18.000 Did you see the videos my daughters did on Instagram?
01:49:20.000 No.
01:49:21.000 I said something.
01:49:22.000 I go, hey, give me a kiss on the cheek.
01:49:24.000 Ida wouldn't kiss me on the cheek. 0.99
01:49:26.000 She was just fucking mad-dogged me. 0.99
01:49:28.000 And I go, Ida, give me a kiss on the cheek. 0.99
01:49:29.000 This last cheek, you might get a kiss of the beard.
01:49:31.000 And she goes, gives it to me.
01:49:33.000 She goes, ugh, it's wet.
01:49:34.000 And then Georgia comes in and then does a kiss on the cheek. 1.00
01:49:36.000 And then I go, do you guys think I'm going to win today?
01:49:38.000 And they went, nope.
01:49:40.000 And I said, are you serious?
01:49:41.000 And they said, nope.
01:49:43.000 And I was like, are you guys ready to see me without a beard?
01:49:45.000 And they're like, nope.
01:49:47.000 They pulled out my wedding album.
01:49:50.000 Me and Leanne started looking through pictures, and they're like, oh, we've got to get used to it.
01:49:54.000 You've got to give us some time.
01:49:55.000 Wow, that's so weird.
01:49:57.000 You're defined by your facial hair.
01:50:00.000 Do you want to keep it?
01:50:01.000 No.
01:50:02.000 You let him keep it?
01:50:03.000 No.
01:50:03.000 Would you let him keep it?
01:50:04.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:50:04.000 Really?
01:50:05.000 I would.
01:50:05.000 Are you going to let him off the hook?
01:50:06.000 Oh, 100%.
01:50:07.000 Hold on.
01:50:08.000 I can't do that.
01:50:09.000 I'm not a welcher. 0.99
01:50:10.000 It's not welching if the guy lets you off the hook.
01:50:12.000 I would let you off the hook if you want to keep it.
01:50:14.000 No, I can't.
01:50:14.000 I can't.
01:50:15.000 Never mind.
01:50:16.000 By the way, this is in Russia.
01:50:19.000 This is in Russia.
01:50:20.000 Really?
01:50:20.000 Where did you get this picture?
01:50:22.000 Is this from the machine thread?
01:50:24.000 This is in Russia.
01:50:25.000 Look, I'm wearing an ATO shirt.
01:50:26.000 Oh my god.
01:50:27.000 It's like the second picture that pops up. 0.99
01:50:28.000 Are you fucking serious? 0.98
01:50:30.000 Look at that. 1.00
01:50:30.000 You're pushing the stomach out. 1.00
01:50:31.000 It's so small then.
01:50:33.000 Dude, you're tiny.
01:50:34.000 You look like you weigh about 210. By the way, Joe, what am I rocking?
01:50:37.000 Lower that.
01:50:37.000 Lower that, Jamie.
01:50:38.000 What are you rocking?
01:50:38.000 Lower that.
01:50:39.000 A fucking fanny pack. 1.00
01:50:40.000 All you motherfuckers that have seen me do stand-up and I say, when I met Igor in his door, I was wearing a purple Kelty fanny pack. 1.00
01:50:46.000 That's the fucking fanny pack. 1.00
01:50:47.000 It's the small details that make a story, and that's a fucking Baltzka in my pocket. 1.00
01:50:51.000 It's a what? 0.99
01:50:52.000 A Baltzka. 0.68
01:50:53.000 That's their local beer in St. Petersburg.
01:50:54.000 Oh, you have a beer in your pocket?
01:50:56.000 Yeah.
01:50:57.000 Is that purple or is that like a bluish?
01:50:59.000 It's a purple Kelty fanny pack.
01:51:01.000 If I could go back, if I could find that fanny pack, I'd wear it every day of my life.
01:51:05.000 It was the best fanny pack I've ever had.
01:51:06.000 Because the way they made it was that the top part was flat, so it went out like a solid three inches.
01:51:12.000 So you rest your beer on that?
01:51:13.000 No, no, no, no.
01:51:14.000 So that when you opened it, you were looking at like a portfolio of your stuff.
01:51:17.000 It wasn't slid in like another pocket.
01:51:20.000 That was the great...
01:51:21.000 If anyone can find me that purple Kelty fanny pack.
01:51:24.000 See if young Jamie can locate it online.
01:51:27.000 How did he get that picture? 0.94
01:51:31.000 Look at you, you savage. 0.90
01:51:32.000 You can find all the pictures of the Russian Mafia. 0.93
01:51:35.000 What is this from?
01:51:36.000 Is this like an article about your last Showtime special?
01:51:38.000 A New York Post from a long time ago.
01:51:41.000 That's when my book came out. 0.60
01:51:42.000 By the way, you want to hear what a dummy I am? 0.99
01:51:45.000 I posed for that picture having no clue it was the fucking cover of Van Wilder. 0.99
01:51:51.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00
01:51:52.000 I had no fucking clue. 0.99
01:51:53.000 Oh, really? 0.99
01:51:53.000 Yeah, he was like... 0.99
01:51:55.000 And I was like...
01:51:55.000 So they asked you to dress like that and you didn't know why?
01:51:57.000 They brought the shit. 1.00
01:51:58.000 Did a photo shoot and I had no fucking clue. 1.00
01:52:01.000 Oh, that's hilarious. 1.00
01:52:01.000 I had no fucking clue. 1.00
01:52:03.000 That's weird. 0.99
01:52:06.000 Did he do the tug-of-party?
01:52:07.000 Did you ever see Van Wilder?
01:52:09.000 Of course, yeah.
01:52:09.000 No.
01:52:09.000 You ever see it?
01:52:10.000 No.
01:52:11.000 I don't remember.
01:52:12.000 I really don't remember.
01:52:13.000 I may have.
01:52:13.000 It's hard to tell.
01:52:15.000 What's that?
01:52:16.000 Whether or not I've seen it.
01:52:18.000 It's one of those movies like, hmm.
01:52:19.000 I've never seen it.
01:52:20.000 I watched Christmas Vacation the other day.
01:52:23.000 So funny. 0.98
01:52:24.000 Dude, that is a goddamn funny movie still. 0.99
01:52:27.000 Shitter's full. 0.98
01:52:28.000 That's a good movie, man. 1.00
01:52:30.000 It's a great fucking movie. 0.99
01:52:31.000 Yeah, I mean, it is a great movie, but the way I'm saying it, I really enjoyed it. 0.99
01:52:37.000 We should like that one more time. 0.99
01:52:38.000 Goddamn. 0.99
01:52:39.000 Come on, Tommy. 0.99
01:52:40.000 Finish that vodka up, Tommy.
01:52:42.000 Tommy, come on.
01:52:44.000 Bird is going deep.
01:52:46.000 I love this feeling.
01:52:55.000 I've never seen Van Wilder, and I took a meeting with their production company.
01:52:58.000 They brought me in to do a sitcom.
01:53:01.000 They had my book in front of me, and they go, do you know who we are?
01:53:04.000 And I was like, no.
01:53:05.000 And we produced Van Wilder.
01:53:07.000 Big fan of your work.
01:53:08.000 We wanted to do a sitcom.
01:53:08.000 And I was like...
01:53:09.000 Okay.
01:53:10.000 And then like, have you ever seen it?
01:53:11.000 And they're like, no.
01:53:12.000 And this is what they said.
01:53:12.000 They said, well, we should get Ryan Reynolds to come on your podcast and watch it live with you.
01:53:16.000 I was like, because it's his production company.
01:53:18.000 It's Black Horse, I think, production company or something.
01:53:22.000 Well, that tastes like barbecue.
01:53:26.000 Does it?
01:53:26.000 What?
01:53:27.000 That last hit tasted like, no, Tommy, it's yours.
01:53:29.000 Tommy, it's yours.
01:53:30.000 Tommy, it's yours.
01:53:31.000 Do you need me to hold you down and tickle you? 0.89
01:53:33.000 Tommy's good.
01:53:33.000 I'm totally good.
01:53:34.000 He's reasonable in his approach. 0.99
01:53:37.000 We just got off a fucking bender, bro. 0.98
01:53:43.000 Do you feel like you can release the hounds now and dive back into the fold with a vengeance? 1.00
01:53:48.000 Simply with drugs and alcohol.
01:53:50.000 For a little bit?
01:53:51.000 Yeah, but not food.
01:53:53.000 You know, what's really crazy is that...
01:53:58.000 I'm sure you felt it, too, because I watched you eat it, but that second piece of pizza didn't work well with me.
01:54:03.000 It was up in my throat, and I was like, oof.
01:54:06.000 It was too much of everything at one time.
01:54:09.000 Did you feel the same way?
01:54:11.000 Yeah, I don't feel good.
01:54:14.000 I watched you.
01:54:14.000 I watched you because you had half the pizza.
01:54:17.000 Yeah.
01:54:18.000 Yeah.
01:54:19.000 But the vodka is flowing.
01:54:20.000 I have a business meeting.
01:54:22.000 You're going to do great.
01:54:24.000 Wait, you're going to a meeting?
01:54:25.000 I got a business meeting at four.
01:54:27.000 Oh, that's plenty of time, dude.
01:54:28.000 Yeah.
01:54:29.000 You'll only be slightly buzzed. 0.99
01:54:31.000 I used to hear stories about Chappelle going into auditions high as fuck. 0.99
01:54:34.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:54:35.000 And I used to go, I wish I had that confidence. 0.99
01:54:36.000 You know, part of me goes, that's why he's so successful, is he didn't give a fuck. 0.99
01:54:40.000 Oh, for sure. 0.99
01:54:41.000 Yeah.
01:54:42.000 Well, Dave is another example of a guy who just does things the way he wants to do them.
01:54:46.000 And he knows...
01:54:48.000 You realize after a while, I guess, when you're a guy like him or a guy like Ari, that it doesn't benefit you to have people influence you and tell you what to do.
01:54:56.000 It just doesn't.
01:54:56.000 And all three of us are a great example of that.
01:55:01.000 The best stuff, I think, that we've done is stuff that we've done online, where you're yourself.
01:55:07.000 Like your podcast with your wife. 0.98
01:55:09.000 That podcast is you guys being super fucking silly together, like you always are. 1.00
01:55:15.000 And there's all this jeans, mommy talk, and it's fucking great. 0.99
01:55:18.000 And that would have never happened if somebody had the reins to it. 0.93
01:55:24.000 If there was a bunch of people that were executive producers and Comedy Central had like 10 people behind the scenes.
01:55:29.000 I'm not getting this jeans comment.
01:55:32.000 What's high and tight?
01:55:34.000 What's high and tight?
01:55:35.000 What do you mean when you're glassing?
01:55:37.000 When there's no reason for you to do it other than it's funny to you.
01:55:41.000 That's it.
01:55:42.000 That's it.
01:55:43.000 I try to tell people.
01:55:44.000 I'm sure you get asked a lot.
01:55:45.000 I get like tons of emails.
01:55:48.000 Don't you get them?
01:55:49.000 From people that go, what should I do to start?
01:55:54.000 Did you ever do that sitcom you told me one time?
01:55:58.000 Remember you were developing a sitcom?
01:56:00.000 Did that ever happen or did it go away?
01:56:02.000 It went away.
01:56:04.000 Can you please tell everyone what the premise was?
01:56:10.000 I'm walking through Walmart in like fucking Richmond, Virginia and Tom calls me and we're talking about sitcom talk and he goes, yeah, I'm developing.
01:56:20.000 Like real serious. 0.98
01:56:22.000 Really?
01:56:23.000 What's your character?
01:56:23.000 And he goes, me?
01:56:24.000 I'm a doctor.
01:56:26.000 I go, you're a doctor?
01:56:28.000 He goes, yeah. 0.99
01:56:29.000 And I fucking lost it. 0.99
01:56:30.000 I go, you don't look like a doctor. 0.99
01:56:31.000 He goes, yeah, I know.
01:56:37.000 But there was a twist to it.
01:56:39.000 What's the twist?
01:56:39.000 You were a doctor!
01:56:40.000 That's all that matters!
01:56:41.000 It was a doctor that graduated last in medical school. 1.00
01:56:45.000 So he's like, essentially a dumb doctor. 0.99
01:56:48.000 It was Tom going, scalpel? 1.00
01:56:50.000 No!
01:56:54.000 That's not how it went. 0.99
01:56:56.000 The idea of you being a doctor was the best premise I've ever heard of a sitcom ever in my fucking life. 0.98
01:57:02.000 Just doctor? 0.99
01:57:03.000 I just want to see.
01:57:04.000 It could be a straight comedy, but the look on your face is that you don't know what's going on.
01:57:10.000 Huh?
01:57:10.000 Yeah.
01:57:10.000 Okay.
01:57:15.000 I don't think I've ever...
01:57:17.000 How long did I laugh on the phone?
01:57:18.000 Really long and really hard to where I was like, I didn't know what I'd done.
01:57:26.000 Yeah.
01:57:27.000 You've probably made me laugh harder than any one person that I know.
01:57:31.000 Really?
01:57:32.000 A hundred percent.
01:57:33.000 I do feel like...
01:57:35.000 Everything has to be a contest.
01:57:37.000 Well, I feel like...
01:57:38.000 This is number one.
01:57:40.000 You know, when we do even the Burt stuff, we do it to make you laugh.
01:57:46.000 I feel like there's a part of me that wants to make you laugh all the time.
01:57:49.000 Seriously.
01:57:51.000 There's parts...
01:57:52.000 I wish I could share them on this podcast, but there's times...
01:57:55.000 My favorite parts of Tom is when he is like...
01:57:58.000 He's like the sideliner that says the thing or is affected by something.
01:58:04.000 The only one I can think of that's very...
01:58:07.000 Very applicable. 0.97
01:58:09.000 We and Tom did, when I shaved his tits, we were in Honolulu doing Pearl Harbor. 0.99
01:58:15.000 And the two things they said to us that we remember, don't make fun of the Hawaiian people, and if it's brown and it moves, kill it. 1.00
01:58:24.000 That was what they said. 1.00
01:58:26.000 If it's brown and it moves, kill it. 1.00
01:58:28.000 And don't make fun of the Hawaiian people. 1.00
01:58:30.000 So Tom goes up.
01:58:31.000 His first joke was, hey man, island life here is slow.
01:58:34.000 That's what they told me.
01:58:35.000 I didn't know they were talking about the Hawaiians' metabolisms. 1.00
01:58:38.000 Holy shit. 0.99
01:58:40.000 Fucking huge laugh, but immediately it's off the, like, you can't, it's not, you're not allowed to say that. 1.00
01:58:45.000 Gets on the set, kills, comes back to me. 0.99
01:58:47.000 Russell Peters goes on stage, and you can hear the murmur in the crowd, and Tom does this snidely wit-lash giggle, like, and he goes, he's brown!
01:58:57.000 He's brown! 0.98
01:58:58.000 They're thinking about killing it! 1.00
01:58:59.000 And Russell Peters does a set, mediocre, I would say at best, and Russell murders, but it's because he's brown, and at that time they were saying, if it's brown and they move, kill it. 0.99
01:59:10.000 It's true. 0.98
01:59:11.000 It's true.
01:59:11.000 And then we had the...
01:59:13.000 Remember the show organizer was like, you guys fucked this up bad. 0.72
01:59:19.000 You remember? 0.86
01:59:20.000 Oh, yes! 0.99
01:59:20.000 And then he was like, I told you not to fucking... 0.99
01:59:26.000 Make fun of the local people. 0.99
01:59:28.000 I told you not to...
01:59:30.000 I told you to PG-13.
01:59:31.000 You know what that means?
01:59:32.000 That was not PG-13.
01:59:34.000 I told you...
01:59:36.000 He's like, there's children and there's wives of admirals here. 0.99
01:59:40.000 It was the rundown of how we had fucked up. 0.99
01:59:43.000 Everything. 1.00
01:59:44.000 And Russell Peters was the coolest fucking guy. 0.98
01:59:46.000 To his testament, he was like, whatever. 1.00
01:59:49.000 He'd give two fucks. 1.00
01:59:51.000 Russell doesn't have a fuck in his gas tank. 1.00
01:59:53.000 No, that's also completely empty. 1.00
01:59:55.000 He really...
01:59:56.000 He needs whatever he wants, for sure.
01:59:58.000 He's the best.
01:59:59.000 Yeah, he's awesome.
02:00:00.000 He's the best. 0.99
02:00:01.000 I would be like, I need to have some fucks in my gas tank. 1.00
02:00:05.000 Do you remember? 0.99
02:00:06.000 You don't, though.
02:00:06.000 I think you've been connected to this idea that you need to for so long.
02:00:10.000 If I didn't have fucks in my gas tank, I'd be like, Bill Gibson! 1.00
02:00:14.000 I didn't meet me and Mel Gibson in his fucking Malibu house doing fucking hot shots. 1.00
02:00:18.000 Doing meth? 1.00
02:00:19.000 Fucking brown browns! 1.00
02:00:20.000 Wait, do you remember the girl that was on the tour of Pearl Harbor that wasn't with us, necessarily? 1.00
02:00:29.000 You're talking about...
02:00:30.000 Yeah, and so we were...
02:00:32.000 You're talking about Dimberly?
02:00:33.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:00:35.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:00:36.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:00:37.000 I'll say it. 1.00
02:00:38.000 Go ahead. 1.00
02:00:38.000 Russell Peters was dating the dumbest human being I've ever met in my life. 1.00
02:00:43.000 Oh, boy. 1.00
02:00:43.000 Oh, are you going to say that? 1.00
02:00:46.000 Russell, I'll call him right now.
02:00:48.000 I'll call him right now.
02:00:49.000 He knows it.
02:00:50.000 Definitely not.
02:00:50.000 He knows it.
02:00:51.000 Don't do that.
02:00:52.000 No, he knows that we've talked, me and Russell have talked about this on my podcast.
02:00:55.000 Yeah, okay.
02:00:56.000 So it's fine.
02:00:57.000 Trust me.
02:00:58.000 Okay.
02:00:58.000 First thing, before we even go on the tour, I say to Russell, in front of his, it's me, Tommy and Push, Leanne and me, and Russell and Kimberly, Dimberly.
02:01:09.000 And I say, and then Russell's brother, Clayton, who might be my favorite human being in the world.
02:01:13.000 Amazing.
02:01:14.000 He's awesome.
02:01:15.000 I love his brother. 0.98
02:01:15.000 Comes in and sits down and I go, oh, hey, have you guys ever seen that Indian porn star? 0.98
02:01:20.000 What's her name? 0.99
02:01:21.000 What's her name?
02:01:21.000 And all of a sudden, everyone's face is shut.
02:01:23.000 And she's like, are you talking about Siriana or whatever?
02:01:26.000 No, it was a shot. 0.98
02:01:27.000 And then you're like, she's so fucking hot. 0.99
02:01:29.000 She's so fucking hot. 1.00
02:01:30.000 I kept talking about how great this woman is. 0.99
02:01:32.000 I've never been attracted to any woman.
02:01:33.000 This is the woman that switched my button.
02:01:35.000 And Russell and Clayton are going like this.
02:01:38.000 Like, they're laughing so hard, and then she goes, he dated her!
02:01:41.000 And Sierra Leone is her name.
02:01:43.000 You're right.
02:01:44.000 Yeah, and then the next day we went on the cruise to Pearl Harbor.
02:01:48.000 Go ahead, Tom.
02:01:49.000 We're on this cruise, and it's very kind of somber, serious.
02:01:54.000 And then he goes in, right now, he's giving us the tour.
02:01:56.000 It's an admiral, a rear admiral.
02:01:58.000 He's like, we're on the approach here of where, I guess it's the Arizona, isn't that right, that's underneath?
02:02:03.000 Yeah.
02:02:03.000 And he goes, the Arizona's up here on the right.
02:02:08.000 And then Demberly goes, are we gonna go under?
02:02:14.000 We're in an open boat like on the tour.
02:02:18.000 It's a boat.
02:02:19.000 Yeah, it's just a boat.
02:02:20.000 Like where you can see the sky and stuff?
02:02:21.000 She thought it might turn into a submarine.
02:02:23.000 Yes.
02:02:25.000 Just like an open air catamaran.
02:02:27.000 Like we were just going to get under.
02:02:28.000 Right now.
02:02:29.000 I'm going to press the button.
02:02:32.000 By the way, the best group of people to witness that statement with is Russell Peters who has his arm around her and you watch his eyes go... 0.99
02:02:40.000 Like, oh fuck. 0.99
02:02:41.000 And then Tom and Push are sitting right next to her and Push is like stomping her feet going, is she serious? 1.00
02:02:47.000 And then Tom's going...
02:02:48.000 Imagine someone thinking that technology has reached a point.
02:02:54.000 Where you could be in a boat and all of a sudden they press a button and a roof comes over the boat and you dive underwater.
02:03:00.000 Look out the window!
02:03:01.000 Imagine being that far off that you think you're on a submarine.
02:03:05.000 Because all boats are submarines, right?
02:03:06.000 They all go.
02:03:07.000 Why wouldn't you just go under the water if you could?
02:03:10.000 I hope this was her first boat appearance ever. 1.00
02:03:13.000 How about the first guy to get in a fucking submarine? 1.00
02:03:16.000 How about that? 1.00
02:03:17.000 Have you been in one?
02:03:18.000 No.
02:03:18.000 Oh, dude.
02:03:19.000 In Disneyland?
02:03:20.000 Panic.
02:03:21.000 They're such close quarters. 1.00
02:03:22.000 Fucking panic. 1.00
02:03:23.000 It's so small, man. 1.00
02:03:24.000 Talk to me.
02:03:25.000 Dude, first of all, as soon as they closed the door...
02:03:27.000 What did you do?
02:03:28.000 Where was it?
02:03:29.000 Went down 109...
02:03:31.000 No, that's too far.
02:03:33.000 But it must have been 100 feet.
02:03:34.000 Where were you?
02:03:35.000 Hawaii?
02:03:36.000 Went down.
02:03:37.000 What was it for?
02:03:38.000 I was just floating a submarine for TV. You get in a submarine?
02:03:41.000 What kind of submarine was it?
02:03:43.000 I don't know, man.
02:03:44.000 I'm not good at details.
02:03:45.000 So it was like a naval submarine?
02:03:47.000 One of the war submarines?
02:03:48.000 No, I'm sure it was touristy.
02:03:50.000 Oh, really?
02:03:50.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:03:51.000 Okay.
02:03:51.000 Once you get in...
02:03:52.000 Was it a boat that turned into it, or was it just a submarine the whole time?
02:03:55.000 No, it was just a submarine.
02:03:56.000 Oh, wow. 1.00
02:03:56.000 Holy shit, dude. 1.00
02:03:57.000 But getting in there is very claustrophobic. 0.99
02:03:59.000 I'd imagine being into an F-14 or something would be claustrophobic. 1.00
02:04:03.000 Same shit. 1.00
02:04:04.000 And you start going down, and then you realize, like, oh, fuck. 1.00
02:04:08.000 If something goes wrong, everyone dies. 1.00
02:04:11.000 Immediately.
02:04:12.000 There's no, like...
02:04:15.000 There's no exit.
02:04:17.000 They don't give you a speech at the beginning.
02:04:18.000 They just go, everyone sit down.
02:04:19.000 Let's hope we do this.
02:04:20.000 You know what would be the craziest community in the world?
02:04:23.000 What?
02:04:24.000 If you could build an underwater, under-ocean city.
02:04:28.000 They got one, I think.
02:04:29.000 Like a submarine city, where you literally...
02:04:33.000 Build it into, like you take a train through the ocean to the center of the ocean where you have a city where you know you can't survive if anything goes wrong.
02:04:43.000 And you all live in this little thing where you have to keep that train path open because that's where the food and air comes from.
02:04:49.000 That's the only way.
02:04:50.000 Other than that, here in the...
02:04:51.000 Do you know how supercharged life would be?
02:04:53.000 Yeah.
02:04:54.000 Do you know how nice people would be?
02:04:55.000 You'd be freaking out all the time. 0.99
02:04:58.000 That is a genius fucking idea. 0.99
02:05:00.000 Sitting in the ocean thinking about the fact that at any moment this could fuck up. 0.99
02:05:05.000 So there's constant checks on all the tolerances of all the joints, of all the glass, all the vibration.
02:05:13.000 And you're just sitting there just being nice to each other, having martinis.
02:05:16.000 I'm going to go to sleep.
02:05:17.000 You think you can sleep?
02:05:18.000 I don't What about you?
02:05:19.000 I don't know.
02:05:20.000 Every day is like that?
02:05:21.000 I don't know.
02:05:21.000 And there's always enough air.
02:05:23.000 There's always enough air.
02:05:24.000 And there's always enough food as long as you keep that train open. 1.00
02:05:26.000 But if anybody's unhappy, they just put a suicide vest on and go running in the middle of that fucking train. 1.00
02:05:31.000 Oh, that would happen. 1.00
02:05:32.000 Boom! 0.99
02:05:33.000 Bang! 1.00
02:05:35.000 How long would it last?
02:05:36.000 No, no, no.
02:05:37.000 Dudes would close off the blockage. 0.99
02:05:39.000 Big guys would just close off the blockage and go, all right, there's a tariff being paid.
02:05:44.000 That's how it would work.
02:05:45.000 Yeah.
02:05:46.000 Yeah, dude.
02:05:47.000 But would that work today?
02:05:49.000 Would that work today?
02:05:50.000 Because it used to work.
02:05:51.000 But it used to work without communication.
02:05:54.000 The kind of communication that everybody has today with a smartphone.
02:05:58.000 I don't know if it would work the same way.
02:06:00.000 I don't think you'd be able to do that the way you can 100 years ago or 200 years ago.
02:06:06.000 You would have to have, like, a super supportive community.
02:06:10.000 And everybody would have to be, like, treated equally. 0.98
02:06:12.000 Otherwise, if there's any disparity whatsoever, all someone would have to do is fucking point a gun at the wall. 0.98
02:06:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:06:19.000 It wouldn't last long, I think.
02:06:22.000 I'm having a bad day! 1.00
02:06:23.000 Someone better suck my dick! 1.00
02:06:25.000 I mean, you wouldn't be... 1.00
02:06:32.000 I saw that.
02:06:33.000 I saw it in my imagination.
02:06:36.000 Isn't that the best when you can see a joke over and over in your head and you go, oh. 0.99
02:06:39.000 I saw a guy with a wife beater on and a fucking Clint Eastwood magnum pointed at a wall. 0.96
02:06:44.000 The joke I saw in my head that I could never get out is we were on Catalina one night with my sisters and we're all smoking pot. 0.98
02:06:51.000 And they said, and there's buffalo that roam around there. 0.93
02:06:55.000 So, I said, why is there buffalo here?
02:06:58.000 And then my buddy Chris Gillen goes, oh, back in the 30s, the 20s, the owner of the Cubs owned him, owned this island, so he used to have spring training out here.
02:07:07.000 So he brought the buffalo out, and my sister goes, for a scrimmage? 0.99
02:07:11.000 And I saw the owner coming out in a seersucker shoot, seeing buffalo on one side, and the Cubs working out, and he goes, I'm at the fucking team! 0.99
02:07:19.000 And I could not stop laughing at the image of him going out with a cigar, like... 0.99
02:07:27.000 But when you can visualize it, it's the best.
02:07:32.000 Tommy, let's kill this vodka. 0.99
02:07:34.000 Come on, let's kill this vodka. 0.99
02:07:35.000 You're going hard. 0.96
02:07:36.000 I'm going hard for Tommy.
02:07:38.000 Congratulations, buddy.
02:07:39.000 Listen, listen, I gotta be honest with you.
02:07:42.000 I feel personally I can't enter a bet.
02:07:48.000 I didn't go soft today.
02:07:50.000 I went hard today.
02:07:51.000 I went really hard on the treadmill.
02:07:52.000 I didn't go hard not to shave your beard.
02:07:54.000 Yeah, really?
02:07:55.000 I'm being serious.
02:07:56.000 I was like, that's the moment.
02:07:58.000 That's the moment.
02:07:59.000 I don't know.
02:08:00.000 I can't leave here without a beard.
02:08:02.000 I feel very guilty.
02:08:03.000 I feel like everyone that tuned in, everyone that watched goes like, hey man, it doesn't really matter to me.
02:08:09.000 But then part of me goes...
02:08:11.000 I don't know.
02:08:12.000 I'll leave it up to you guys.
02:08:13.000 Are you switching that now?
02:08:15.000 No.
02:08:15.000 You're putting it in our hands?
02:08:16.000 No, no.
02:08:16.000 I'm putting it in your hands.
02:08:17.000 Wait.
02:08:18.000 You mean that you're not saying...
02:08:21.000 No, you can shave my beard. 1.00
02:08:21.000 I don't give a fuck. 1.00
02:08:22.000 No, but you just said I'm putting it in your hands now. 1.00
02:08:24.000 In that, like, I feel guilty.
02:08:26.000 My book is I've got to shave this beard.
02:08:30.000 In your book.
02:08:31.000 But I'm saying...
02:08:31.000 Because I would have definitely shaved yours.
02:08:33.000 Okay.
02:08:34.000 I wouldn't have let you out.
02:08:36.000 Okay.
02:08:36.000 Tommy, how do you feel about this?
02:08:38.000 No, it's just interesting that he just had a...
02:08:40.000 It feels like a change of the way he feels about it altogether.
02:08:43.000 Because about an hour ago...
02:08:45.000 What did I say?
02:08:46.000 Oh, you don't even remember. 0.99
02:08:52.000 Seriously, how fucked up are we? 0.99
02:08:54.000 Thank you for saying we. 0.99
02:08:56.000 I mean, I'm loaded. 0.97
02:08:58.000 Tommy, let's kill this drink. 0.83
02:08:59.000 Let's just get a big sip. 0.94
02:09:01.000 Come on, buddy.
02:09:02.000 Wait a minute, though. 0.99
02:09:03.000 Do you think you're the only one that's fucked up? 0.99
02:09:04.000 Tommy is not. 0.99
02:09:05.000 Oh, yeah, I forgot. 1.00
02:09:06.000 He's high as fuck. 1.00
02:09:08.000 Dude, please. 1.00
02:09:09.000 Come on, man.
02:09:09.000 We're on another planet.
02:09:10.000 But wait a minute.
02:09:11.000 But you know about the extreme change that just happened, right?
02:09:13.000 I don't know.
02:09:14.000 Well, there's a little bit of hedging.
02:09:16.000 There's a little hedging going on.
02:09:18.000 It's a confusing moment.
02:09:18.000 I told you a while ago.
02:09:20.000 That you would let me keep my beard.
02:09:21.000 I said, if you want.
02:09:22.000 And you go, oh, absolutely not.
02:09:23.000 Like, I'm definitely losing it.
02:09:24.000 But then now you brought it up as if to say...
02:09:27.000 I won't decide.
02:09:28.000 You decide.
02:09:28.000 No, no, no.
02:09:28.000 You're having doubts about that.
02:09:29.000 What if we give you one of them crazy Fu Manchu type motherfuckers all the way down to the jowls? 1.00
02:09:35.000 We'll still get rid of the beard. 1.00
02:09:36.000 Let's give you some crazy... 0.73
02:09:37.000 Wait, I thought it was Hitler's stash for a week. 0.93
02:09:39.000 We talked about that.
02:09:41.000 No, no, no, no.
02:09:42.000 Let's give him some...
02:09:43.000 We came and got a Hitler's stash? 1.00
02:09:46.000 Let's give him some Wyatt Earp type shit. 1.00
02:09:49.000 What about like a Puerto Rican beard? 1.00
02:09:50.000 Like real thin.
02:09:51.000 Real, real thin.
02:09:53.000 That would almost be worse than shaving it all off.
02:09:56.000 Oh, it's far worse.
02:09:57.000 And we're doing that on the way to shaving it.
02:09:59.000 How about we give you a prince?
02:10:02.000 Fantastic.
02:10:03.000 You know, I bet this kid, this kid Carter, we have re-season Rams tickets with us.
02:10:10.000 Carter Carter?
02:10:11.000 Carter, you know what I'm talking about.
02:10:13.000 Carter Carter?
02:10:13.000 No, Carter Gruzen.
02:10:15.000 I should say his fucking name is 10. He's a kid I was talking about hangovers with the other day. 0.99
02:10:19.000 Okay. 1.00
02:10:19.000 So he bet me some stupid fucking bet. 1.00
02:10:22.000 And it was like, if he won, I had to give him 200 bucks. 1.00
02:10:26.000 But if I won, I got to cut his hair.
02:10:28.000 And so he was like, oh, I'll take it.
02:10:31.000 Done.
02:10:31.000 Because he thought he was, I think it was about the Rams-Seattle game.
02:10:34.000 And I won.
02:10:35.000 And so I got to cut his hair. 0.99
02:10:36.000 And I was like, I'm fucking your hair up. 1.00
02:10:37.000 And this is part of man shit. 1.00
02:10:38.000 He's 10 years old. 1.00
02:10:40.000 So immediately I cut it to like fucking dumb and dumber bangs. 1.00
02:10:43.000 Right. 1.00
02:10:44.000 And everyone starts laughing.
02:10:46.000 And his dad starts going, you look like Simple Jack.
02:10:49.000 Oh, man.
02:10:50.000 But then, in a weird way, he changes.
02:10:53.000 He starts getting embarrassed.
02:10:55.000 And then the moms start coming in. 1.00
02:10:57.000 This is all boys out right now.
02:10:58.000 And then the moms start, hey, don't worry. 0.97
02:11:00.000 It looks good.
02:11:00.000 It looks good.
02:11:00.000 And I go, that's not the fucking bet.
02:11:02.000 The bet isn't it looks good. 0.99
02:11:03.000 The bet is it looks horrible.
02:11:05.000 That's why I didn't cut his hair.
02:11:06.000 I'm not going to cut his hair to give him a free haircut. 0.99
02:11:08.000 But then the human part of me goes, I'm not going to fuck up a kid. 0.99
02:11:12.000 I don't want to fucking burn him at 10. I want to do the Puerto Rican beard. 1.00
02:11:18.000 I'm going to fucking shave it off anyway. 0.99
02:11:19.000 I'm the prince! 0.99
02:11:20.000 This is the prince!
02:11:25.000 I'm going to have to shave it off!
02:11:27.000 I'm going to have to shave it off!
02:11:29.000 No, you go with it.
02:11:30.000 Just wear it!
02:11:30.000 I'm going to have to shave it off!
02:11:31.000 My daughters are expecting me to know you!
02:11:34.000 Not like a prince!
02:11:37.000 Mom, the guy who's doing the tiles is here!
02:11:40.000 Oh my god!
02:11:42.000 Oh my god!
02:11:48.000 Oh my god, what does that say?
02:11:50.000 Comedy beards?
02:11:51.000 Is that what that says?
02:11:52.000 It's my comedy beard.
02:11:54.000 When I do comedy, I wear this here beard. 1.00
02:11:56.000 This shit's funny. 1.00
02:11:58.000 Fucking poor guy. 1.00
02:12:00.000 The Prince is beautiful. 1.00
02:12:02.000 Yeah, that's...
02:12:04.000 People just listening have no idea why we're laughing.
02:12:07.000 That's fantastic. 1.00
02:12:07.000 There's a fucking... 1.00
02:12:08.000 Google, what is the... 0.99
02:12:10.000 Give me the black and white one, Jamie, that profile one.
02:12:12.000 It's from the cover of what album?
02:12:15.000 W-A-T? It's one of the... 1.00
02:12:24.000 It's so bad.
02:12:26.000 It's super sculpted, and it's got this almost like a racetrack curve to it.
02:12:31.000 It's really weird. 0.99
02:12:33.000 It's the weirdest fucking sculpted- I'd rather you shave my beard off totally! 0.99
02:12:36.000 Can we just do a Puerto Rican guy beard? 0.99
02:12:38.000 Just a line?
02:12:40.000 Puerto Rican guy beard.
02:12:41.000 Yeah. 0.98
02:12:42.000 That's so racist.
02:12:43.000 Google Puerto Rican. 0.98
02:12:44.000 That is so racist. 0.57
02:12:46.000 It came up first.
02:12:48.000 It said Puerto Rican facial hair.
02:12:50.000 Oh, look at this guy.
02:12:51.000 Look at this guy.
02:12:52.000 That's what's up, dude.
02:12:53.000 You're getting that.
02:12:56.000 This is my new favorite thing. 0.98
02:12:58.000 Google black guy being black. 0.98
02:13:00.000 Hold on. 0.98
02:13:01.000 Explain what we're seeing.
02:13:02.000 I can't talk.
02:13:03.000 Explain what we're seeing.
02:13:05.000 It's a tiger.
02:13:06.000 He has a tiger print beard.
02:13:08.000 It's leopard.
02:13:09.000 It's a leopard print beard.
02:13:10.000 It's very thin.
02:13:12.000 Oh my god.
02:13:12.000 It's gold and black.
02:13:13.000 This is amazing.
02:13:14.000 Yeah.
02:13:15.000 This dude has his hair bleach blonde and dyed black in the shape of leopard skin on his beard.
02:13:22.000 Freaking cringe back.
02:13:23.000 Oh my god.
02:13:28.000 That was the closest I came to blacking out from laughter.
02:13:31.000 I'm not lying.
02:13:33.000 I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.
02:13:36.000 Is that the guy from Backstreet Boys?
02:13:38.000 That might have been the hardest physically.
02:13:40.000 That's pretty close, but I want to give you.
02:13:42.000 That's even better.
02:13:43.000 Might have been the hardest physically I've ever laughed.
02:13:46.000 Really?
02:13:46.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:13:49.000 The MTV tattoo on his neck, that is bonus.
02:13:52.000 Who is that?
02:13:53.000 He was in the Backstreet Boys.
02:13:54.000 Beautiful.
02:13:55.000 That guy, Riff Raff, was really good on Hot Wings.
02:13:57.000 Did you see that, Jamie?
02:13:59.000 Hot Wings is a show where you eat wings.
02:14:01.000 Have you done that?
02:14:03.000 Yeah, I did it.
02:14:04.000 You were great on it.
02:14:04.000 Joey Diaz is coming up on it.
02:14:06.000 Thank you.
02:14:06.000 Do you want to do it?
02:14:07.000 Yeah, I'll do it.
02:14:08.000 Yeah, okay.
02:14:09.000 I'll talk to Sean.
02:14:09.000 Sean Evans is the guy that does it.
02:14:11.000 So you just go on to get fucked up by Hot Wings? 0.95
02:14:13.000 Yeah, but it's like an interview. 0.97
02:14:14.000 Yeah, they ask you questions progressively.
02:14:17.000 More interesting questions. 0.96
02:14:18.000 Like one of the questions they asked me at the hottest wing was, have you ever talked shit about comics? 0.99
02:14:23.000 And I was so fucking out of it. 0.99
02:14:24.000 I was like... 0.99
02:14:26.000 Yeah, I talk shit about T.J. Miller and Pete Holmes one time. 0.98
02:14:31.000 And they were like, really? 0.99
02:14:32.000 And I was like, yeah, I think I shit on Chris D'Elia, but I didn't mean to. 0.83
02:14:35.000 But you're just like... 0.98
02:14:36.000 You're sweating?
02:14:37.000 You're sweating.
02:14:38.000 And they're like, really?
02:14:38.000 And I was like, yeah, next question, man.
02:14:40.000 Because your body goes into like...
02:14:42.000 It's a really great show.
02:14:44.000 Joey Diaz is coming up soon.
02:14:45.000 How much worse is dehydrating than eating the hottest wing?
02:14:49.000 Hot wings, for me, are a little bit euphoric. 0.92
02:14:51.000 I get into a place where my brain shuts down, and you start becoming primal about it, and I fucking love it. 0.78
02:14:58.000 You started posting... 0.85
02:14:59.000 What do you mean, really?
02:15:00.000 You're the reason I cook jalapenos with every meal now.
02:15:03.000 Jalapenos is one thing, though, but I consider jalapenos to be fairly mild.
02:15:07.000 Dude.
02:15:08.000 Honestly.
02:15:09.000 There used to be a place in Burbank, not in Burbank, Encino, called Chili My Soul.
02:15:14.000 Did you ever go there?
02:15:15.000 No.
02:15:15.000 No, maybe I did.
02:15:17.000 Ari and I have talked about it.
02:15:18.000 It's one of those things we always made plans to go there, but we didn't go.
02:15:22.000 And then by the time we wanted to go, the guy had died.
02:15:26.000 It was a specialty chili shop where they only sold chili and they sold extreme temperature chili.
02:15:33.000 Like insanity chili.
02:15:36.000 Where you would have like a very mild chili which was really enjoyable, a little spicy, and there was a whole taste grid from like 1 to 10. And I had tried like a 7 and it was insane how hot it was.
02:15:48.000 And they would give you these little scoops. 0.98
02:15:51.000 You know like if you would get like a personal size little paper cup and you pump the fucking ketchup in it at the burger shop? 0.98
02:15:58.000 You know those little paper cup things? 0.99
02:16:00.000 They give you one of those with the chili and a tiny baby spoon and you put it in your mouth and the fucking temperature from like a nine would make you immediately start hiccuping. 0.99
02:16:12.000 Snot's flying out of your nose. 0.99
02:16:14.000 I mean flying.
02:16:15.000 You're crying.
02:16:16.000 But imagine people talking to you during that and you having to answer questions.
02:16:19.000 That's why the show's brilliant. 1.00
02:16:21.000 It's because you are the most vulnerable and you're like, I don't know, fuck man, whatever, fuck. 1.00
02:16:25.000 Yeah, I hear you. 1.00
02:16:26.000 It's so good.
02:16:26.000 Why don't you do it?
02:16:27.000 Fuck that. 1.00
02:16:28.000 Come on. 1.00
02:16:29.000 No, man.
02:16:29.000 You'd be great on it.
02:16:30.000 You'd be great on it, Joe.
02:16:31.000 I'd rather not.
02:16:33.000 You sure you don't want to go to Paris with us?
02:16:35.000 Definitely not want to go to Paris with you. 1.00
02:16:36.000 Definitely not want to fucking shit my pants. 0.99
02:16:38.000 What if we change the location? 0.99
02:16:39.000 Of Paris?
02:16:39.000 Where do you want to go?
02:16:40.000 That's what I'm saying.
02:16:41.000 Colorado.
02:16:41.000 And we'll get a cabin for a weekend?
02:16:43.000 Go hunting?
02:16:44.000 Oh, something weird.
02:16:45.000 No, no, go hunting. 0.99
02:16:46.000 I've always wanted to kill something. 0.98
02:16:47.000 For real? 0.96
02:16:48.000 Yeah, dude, I've talked about it for a while.
02:16:49.000 I want to know the...
02:16:50.000 I'll cry more than the time traveler's wife. 0.99
02:16:52.000 You think you would?
02:16:53.000 Yeah.
02:16:54.000 Really?
02:16:54.000 I think I would.
02:16:56.000 I heard the podcast where you talked about this kill.
02:16:59.000 No, probably more like that one.
02:17:01.000 That was the first one I ever killed.
02:17:02.000 No, no, no.
02:17:03.000 It's the one that didn't have the scruff off his hair.
02:17:05.000 Oh, that one died like that.
02:17:07.000 Yeah, but no, it's not that, but it was that he didn't have the scruff off his hair yet.
02:17:10.000 Really upset me.
02:17:12.000 Well, it's not the scruff off his hair.
02:17:13.000 They grow new antlers every year.
02:17:15.000 I know, but regardless, I heard that as a newbie.
02:17:19.000 I heard you guys talk about all that.
02:17:20.000 You thought it was like a baby?
02:17:21.000 Yeah, a baby, and I got really emotional.
02:17:23.000 I was like, oh! 0.95
02:17:24.000 No, that's a big-ass deer. 0.96
02:17:26.000 Yeah, I didn't know they grew them every year.
02:17:28.000 I actually brought that up a lot.
02:17:29.000 The most giant of giant deer, their antlers fall off every year, even if it's like a nine-year-old deer, which is like an impossibly old deer.
02:17:37.000 Every year, their antlers fall off.
02:17:38.000 And those antlers are actually bone, which is really crazy.
02:17:41.000 Which I didn't know until really recently.
02:17:44.000 Recited all these facts.
02:17:45.000 They're bone?
02:17:46.000 They grow new bone every year and then it falls off. 1.00
02:17:50.000 And they grow that stuff in their head just so that they can fight to the death over pussy. 1.00
02:17:56.000 That's real! 1.00
02:17:58.000 That's really why they grow it.
02:18:00.000 They kill each other all the time.
02:18:02.000 We stumbled across an elk that had been killed.
02:18:05.000 My friend Cam stumbled across one this year, and another friend of mine stumbled across one last year in California.
02:18:11.000 They've been killed by another one.
02:18:13.000 They just stab each other in the body. 1.00
02:18:15.000 And, like, puncture each other's lungs and shit. 1.00
02:18:17.000 I mean, they go to war. 1.00
02:18:18.000 And then he's like, I'm a fuck now. 1.00
02:18:19.000 That's what they do right after that. 0.99
02:18:20.000 And that's exactly what happened.
02:18:21.000 That's why they grow those things.
02:18:23.000 That's why the biggest ones always dominate, because they can stab you from a further distance.
02:18:28.000 Like, it's a benefit of having these gigantic animals.
02:18:31.000 Oh, right.
02:18:31.000 Some are enormous.
02:18:32.000 So what's the benefit?
02:18:33.000 What's the benefit of, like, when people go, I got a 10-point deer.
02:18:36.000 Does that mean it's late in the season?
02:18:38.000 No, no, no, no.
02:18:39.000 It means it's an old, mature, smart, dominant male that's probably been dominating the area.
02:18:45.000 If you get a big deer with a lot of antler, those are the ones that are the bigger deers, and those are the ones that are the most dominant in terms of spreading their genes.
02:18:53.000 Yeah, let's go hunting, Tom.
02:18:55.000 Let's go hunting.
02:18:56.000 A lot of times the idea behind the conservation angle is that if you hunt an animal like that, you're hunting an animal that's already long spread its genetics.
02:19:07.000 So there's no danger of losing its genetics.
02:19:10.000 Its genetics have been spread and it's actually better for the biodiversity of the environment if you let the younger buck start breeding now as well.
02:19:18.000 That's super hotly debated though.
02:19:20.000 Because some conservationists feel like you're better off leaving them in there as long as they survive.
02:19:26.000 It's really very controversial.
02:19:28.000 Hunters tend to think that the idea is that if you can get them out of the food chain, the younger bucks will have a chance to rise up and become dominant.
02:19:39.000 I don't want to do it.
02:19:40.000 I don't want to go.
02:19:40.000 It's intense.
02:19:41.000 I just don't want to.
02:19:42.000 I don't want to do something you'd enjoy.
02:19:43.000 I want to do something that...
02:19:45.000 Let's do a Cameron Haynes ultramarathon.
02:19:47.000 Oh, you don't want to do that.
02:19:49.000 No, no, no.
02:19:49.000 Let's see if you can get furthest in Cameron Haynes' ultramarathon.
02:19:52.000 That's what you want to try?
02:19:53.000 Me, you, and Ari.
02:19:54.000 Oh, my God.
02:19:55.000 Ari's got knee surgery. 1.00
02:19:56.000 He's not going to do that. 0.92
02:19:57.000 He's not stupid. 0.97
02:19:58.000 Okay. 0.97
02:19:59.000 What's our next contest?
02:20:00.000 We have to have another contest.
02:20:01.000 Ari doesn't work out, man. 0.93
02:20:03.000 But Ari's integral in this contest because watching him spin out is what makes it the funniest.
02:20:08.000 Yeah.
02:20:09.000 If it was real spinning out, I would agree with you.
02:20:13.000 It's obviously for comedic effect.
02:20:14.000 I know Ari very well.
02:20:17.000 And honestly, in terms of the fairness of the competition, I benefited from this thing more than anybody.
02:20:23.000 I didn't have to lose any weight.
02:20:24.000 I had two awesome podcasts with you guys.
02:20:26.000 By all rights, I should pay for it.
02:20:28.000 This has been fun.
02:20:29.000 So let's figure out what to do.
02:20:30.000 What do you guys want to do?
02:20:31.000 You still want to go to Paris?
02:20:32.000 I could do whatever.
02:20:33.000 I could do something else.
02:20:35.000 Whatever you want to do.
02:20:36.000 Let's figure out what you want to do.
02:20:37.000 Figure out what you want to do and let's do it.
02:20:39.000 Okay.
02:20:39.000 No, but we need to get on this right now and put it in stone.
02:20:42.000 Right now?
02:20:43.000 Yeah.
02:20:43.000 Why does it have to be right now?
02:20:45.000 Get all nervous.
02:20:46.000 I've had a lot of girls say they want to go home with me and then when I go stand by the door, they're not there anymore.
02:20:49.000 Okay.
02:20:50.000 We've got to do this.
02:20:51.000 Me, you, Joe, and Ari.
02:20:52.000 Do you think he's not going to make you take him on a trip?
02:20:55.000 Who?
02:20:55.000 Ari?
02:20:56.000 I mean, I'm saying anybody.
02:20:59.000 Like you.
02:20:59.000 No, I'm saying like...
02:21:00.000 Why do you think you have to lock it down now?
02:21:03.000 I want to continue this bet.
02:21:06.000 Continue.
02:21:06.000 Oh, so you want to take it to another place.
02:21:08.000 I want to take it to the next level.
02:21:09.000 Oh, I see.
02:21:10.000 Oh, I see.
02:21:11.000 There's going to be not even a day off, bro.
02:21:13.000 Right back into a friend.
02:21:14.000 Because you know what, man?
02:21:15.000 It gives you focus.
02:21:17.000 You're right.
02:21:17.000 It does.
02:21:18.000 It gives you focus, and I enjoy it.
02:21:20.000 It gives you something to look forward to, like taking the girls to London.
02:21:23.000 I was really bummed out about Christmas, and then Christmas Eve I went, I'll buy a salt trip to London.
02:21:28.000 Right.
02:21:28.000 We're too comfortable with the lack of competition, aren't we?
02:21:31.000 Yeah.
02:21:32.000 You guys got sharpened by this experience, didn't you?
02:21:34.000 I think so.
02:21:35.000 I'm a better Bert.
02:21:38.000 Is that the name of my tour? 0.99
02:21:40.000 Why do I have to name our fucking tours? 1.00
02:21:42.000 I've never named a fucking tour. 1.00
02:21:44.000 No, talk to old No Teeth No Fucking Access. 0.99
02:21:50.000 By the way, by the way, Leanne goes... 0.99
02:21:54.000 Last night, I did a...
02:21:55.000 Joey was a no-show for the podcast last night.
02:21:58.000 Yeah, I was hoping he would kind of put some weight on you.
02:22:00.000 Joey, I saw him.
02:22:03.000 I saw him.
02:22:05.000 I saw him on his podcast, and he was so high that, you know, very seldomly...
02:22:10.000 You know when Joey's high, when he starts doing stuff like this.
02:22:14.000 And he drinks waddle.
02:22:15.000 He goes...
02:22:18.000 He squeezes water into his mouth.
02:22:19.000 He just caught a rat in his hands.
02:22:21.000 At 8 o'clock, I was like, he's not making it.
02:22:23.000 I was seeing with Theo, and Theo, it was a great podcast.
02:22:27.000 Joey's podcast was great last night.
02:22:29.000 But I watched it live, and I was like, he's not coming over.
02:22:31.000 So I was like, Leanne, let's do a podcast.
02:22:33.000 You did?
02:22:34.000 So I did a podcast with Leanne last night, and halfway through, she goes, I had to edit it out.
02:22:39.000 She goes, is this good?
02:22:43.000 And I was like, I don't know.
02:22:44.000 Podcasts with guys and girls, like a comedian and his wife aren't ever funny.
02:22:48.000 And then she goes, what about Tom and Push? 0.96
02:22:50.000 I go, it's fucking different. 0.95
02:22:51.000 And then I had to edit it out, and she goes, oh, it's fucking different, huh? 0.97
02:22:56.000 Like... 0.96
02:22:56.000 Wow. 0.96
02:22:57.000 Well, she pushes a comic. 0.98
02:22:59.000 Yeah, it's different.
02:23:00.000 Powerful Bird Chrysler throwing his wife under the bus.
02:23:02.000 Yeah.
02:23:03.000 Hey, y'all!
02:23:04.000 Ouch! 1.00
02:23:05.000 That's what it sounds like to throw Leanna in the bus. 1.00
02:23:08.000 Oh, that's fantastic. 0.98
02:23:09.000 Tommy, let's kill this vodka.
02:23:10.000 Hey, you know we haven't peed yet? 0.62
02:23:11.000 Isn't that right?
02:23:12.000 You guys are amazing.
02:23:14.000 But look at this pee.
02:23:14.000 You probably won't have to pee for a while.
02:23:16.000 I know.
02:23:16.000 One, two, three.
02:23:17.000 Three waters.
02:23:18.000 Oh, my God.
02:23:19.000 Two of those.
02:23:19.000 So three bottles of water, two of those gigantic C2O coconut cans.
02:23:23.000 I've had half this handle.
02:23:24.000 And then I've had a drink in...
02:23:27.000 Well, I'm not losing any weight.
02:23:28.000 I shouldn't even compare myself.
02:23:29.000 Man, I tell you what.
02:23:29.000 It really kind of made me appreciate water.
02:23:32.000 I know.
02:23:33.000 I really appreciate water. 0.98
02:23:34.000 Like, I was like, you know, you used to say that water champ shit, and I was like, I never got it, really. 0.98
02:23:38.000 I was like, oh yeah, water champ. 0.99
02:23:40.000 I was like, I didn't find him.
02:23:41.000 There was a good competition for us.
02:23:43.000 No.
02:23:44.000 But now, I just, let's do the vodka champ.
02:23:49.000 That's not fair.
02:23:50.000 Yeah.
02:23:51.000 You have a giant leg up.
02:23:53.000 We in?
02:23:53.000 For what?
02:23:54.000 I love you.
02:23:55.000 Okay.
02:23:57.000 Come on.
02:23:58.000 Let's take a big sip.
02:23:59.000 Let's do it.
02:24:00.000 Tim, why time it?
02:24:05.000 Jesus Christ.
02:24:08.000 This could be a show that's a contest between you two every month could be the greatest show the world has ever known.
02:24:17.000 I would do it in a heartbeat.
02:24:19.000 Someone has to develop it for online.
02:24:22.000 That's what it should be.
02:24:23.000 Yeah, it should be online because that's why we can do it.
02:24:26.000 Yeah, forget all this nonsense trying to explain to people that give you money and put cameras on it.
02:24:32.000 You don't have to do that anymore.
02:24:34.000 Not that you've ever had bad relationships with any of those people, but you won't be able to smoke pot, you won't be able to be honest, you won't be able to talk, you won't be able to swear.
02:24:42.000 If you do it online, you could just be you. 0.87
02:24:45.000 That's why podcasts are so fucking good. 0.83
02:24:47.000 But it is why podcasts are so good, and that's why people really know who you are. 0.98
02:24:50.000 You know, I mean, people know you from the Travel Channel, and they love you from stand-up, but until you see you, you-you, you-you, a couple shots, a fucking joint in, we're all having fun. 0.92
02:25:02.000 I'd like you-you to kind of dial back a little bit.
02:25:06.000 The best part of this is that, like, and this was the defining turn of me where I'm at today, was like, all my friends, you, I'll just say specifically you, Bill Burr, and Tommy, were all like, Travis Hill was great.
02:25:22.000 But, like, you're better at stand-up and you're better at podcasting.
02:25:25.000 You're better at, like, being you.
02:25:26.000 And it was, like, one of those things where you go, oh, yeah, maybe I am a better, like...
02:25:30.000 Maybe that's the cool thing about the internet is that I don't want to be like, hi, guys, welcome.
02:25:35.000 I'm Bert Kreischer.
02:25:36.000 Like, I don't mind doing that for money, but, like...
02:25:37.000 Well, I'll tell you from someone who did it for five years.
02:25:41.000 And so I did it alongside while you were doing it, too.
02:25:44.000 And I know it's a really great job.
02:25:46.000 And your job's better than mine in terms of, like, the fun of it.
02:25:49.000 Like, the places you got to go.
02:25:51.000 Rather than Fear Factor, which is, you know, most of it was local.
02:25:54.000 Occasionally we traveled.
02:25:55.000 It was fun.
02:25:56.000 It was a fun crazy show.
02:25:57.000 No doubt about it.
02:25:58.000 It was definitely a fun gig.
02:25:59.000 But the difference between that and stand-up is giant. 1.00
02:26:03.000 And if you don't give stand-up the fucking respect it deserves, it becomes dog shit. 1.00
02:26:07.000 It just does. 1.00
02:26:09.000 It's just too hard to not...
02:26:12.000 It's too hard to not happen.
02:26:15.000 Yeah.
02:26:15.000 Yeah, you gotta do it all the time, man.
02:26:17.000 You gotta do it all the time. 0.81
02:26:18.000 You gotta do it all the time, and if you're doing a gang of other shit on top of it where you can't do stand-up for months at a time like you were doing, I was like, you're too funny.
02:26:24.000 You're about to do a crazy amount, though, right? 0.72
02:26:26.000 We're on 18 weeks straight on the road.
02:26:29.000 Yeah.
02:26:30.000 That's where it comes from.
02:26:31.000 We haven't named the tour, technically, because I have never named a tour, but...
02:26:35.000 How about that?
02:26:36.000 I have never named a tour.
02:26:37.000 I've never named a tour.
02:26:38.000 Bert Kreischer.
02:26:39.000 I have never named a tour.
02:26:40.000 Perfect.
02:26:41.000 That's a great title.
02:26:41.000 You can do one every year.
02:26:43.000 I've never named a tour two.
02:26:44.000 I've never named a tour three.
02:26:46.000 I really like a better Bert.
02:26:47.000 I've numbered them, ho! 1.00
02:26:48.000 The first one I ever saw that someone named one was Jen Kirkman. 0.98
02:26:52.000 She named a tour, and I was like, oh, fucking badass. 0.74
02:26:54.000 I saw that, and I was like... 0.97
02:26:55.000 That's the first one you ever saw?
02:26:56.000 Did you stay offline?
02:26:58.000 Did you have a head injury?
02:26:59.000 No, I never paid attention.
02:27:02.000 I never paid attention.
02:27:04.000 You've never seen it before?
02:27:05.000 I've never seen a person name a tour!
02:27:07.000 I take that back.
02:27:07.000 The Punisher tour.
02:27:08.000 What is this nonsense?
02:27:09.000 What was the Punisher tour?
02:27:10.000 Carlos Mecilla.
02:27:11.000 Punisher tour.
02:27:12.000 Oh.
02:27:12.000 It was the first one I heard that everyone was talking about.
02:27:15.000 They were all like, oh, the Punisher tour.
02:27:16.000 The Punisher. 0.98
02:27:18.000 Eddie Griffin named his tours back in the fucking 90s. 0.99
02:27:21.000 Dude, what's up with Eddie Griffin? 0.99
02:27:22.000 I don't know.
02:27:23.000 I think he's doing that tour with, who is it?
02:27:26.000 George Lopez.
02:27:27.000 George Lopez, Eddie Griffith, Cedric, and who else?
02:27:30.000 Somebody else.
02:27:32.000 Yeah.
02:27:33.000 Let me tell you something, man.
02:27:34.000 I tell everybody, there's been a few sets that I've seen where, you know, there's people that catch genius in a bottle, man.
02:27:44.000 They just catch genius.
02:27:46.000 And it might be only for a short amount of time in their life.
02:27:49.000 It might be for a moment.
02:27:50.000 Oh, Charlie Murphy's on it, too.
02:27:52.000 D.L. Hewley, Cedric Entertainer.
02:27:54.000 Is that J.B. Smoove?
02:27:56.000 No.
02:27:57.000 No, man, that's Charlie. 1.00
02:27:58.000 Charlie Murphy, son of a bitch. 1.00
02:27:59.000 So it's called the Comedy Get Down. 1.00
02:28:02.000 But they catch lightning in a bottle, and they nail it.
02:28:06.000 And for Eddie Griffin, there was a...
02:28:08.000 What was that HBO? Was it Def Comedy Jam?
02:28:12.000 Yes, it was a Def Comedy Jam special that Eddie Griffin did.
02:28:15.000 And I'm pretty sure he was wearing shorts.
02:28:18.000 You're right.
02:28:19.000 He was.
02:28:19.000 Are you serious?
02:28:20.000 I know which one you're talking about.
02:28:22.000 And he came out, and he was so explosive with the way he just, every punchline he was involved in.
02:28:31.000 Wasn't he semi-shirtless, too?
02:28:33.000 Yeah, there was something going on.
02:28:34.000 Something was loose.
02:28:35.000 Please tell me you're picking up a picture, Jamie.
02:28:38.000 He was so...
02:28:39.000 It was like the way he was moving, there was so much energy.
02:28:41.000 This is not it.
02:28:42.000 No.
02:28:42.000 No, it was another one who was in shorts.
02:28:43.000 It was a half hour special.
02:28:45.000 Yeah, is that what it was?
02:28:46.000 That's what it was.
02:28:46.000 That might have been...
02:28:47.000 I think you're right.
02:28:48.000 I think you're right.
02:28:48.000 It was an HBO half hour.
02:28:49.000 I think he did this and then he did that.
02:28:51.000 Yeah.
02:28:52.000 Well, anyway, when he did that special, whatever that special was, and I watched parts of it, I don't even know if I had...
02:29:00.000 I think I'd started doing stand-up.
02:29:02.000 I was just like an open mic at the time, just kind of...
02:29:06.000 Just getting going. 0.71
02:29:07.000 And I remember thinking, holy shit, like that guy just tapped into that weird, rare spot where you could never imagine yourself doing it. 0.90
02:29:15.000 I don't know if that's it either, man. 0.90
02:29:18.000 Is that what it says it is?
02:29:20.000 He's got shorts on in his half shirt.
02:29:21.000 That might be it.
02:29:22.000 It might be it.
02:29:22.000 The colors look off, but maybe it's just my memory.
02:29:24.000 He did Voodoo Child, too. 0.95
02:29:26.000 I don't know if that was before this or after this.
02:29:27.000 No, no, no.
02:29:28.000 I'm pretty sure that was a later one.
02:29:29.000 He's someone I wish I had seen live. 0.97
02:29:31.000 Oh, he's crazy.
02:29:32.000 He made Cat Williams. 0.99
02:29:33.000 Eddie's so crazy.
02:29:33.000 He's a real nice guy, though.
02:29:35.000 I'm not saying they're dead, but I'm just saying, like, I wish I had been at the store when they were at the store.
02:29:39.000 Eddie Griffin, I've always got along with that guy.
02:29:42.000 He's a super nice guy.
02:29:44.000 What about Cat?
02:29:44.000 I don't know him.
02:29:46.000 I don't know him.
02:29:46.000 I'm a big fan, though.
02:29:48.000 I'm a big fan of what he does.
02:29:50.000 Just out of curiosity, do you not reach out to them to be on your podcast?
02:29:53.000 No.
02:29:54.000 If I run into them, I would love to.
02:29:56.000 I would love to see Cat Williams and Eddie Griffin on your podcast.
02:29:59.000 Yeah, but you know what, man?
02:30:00.000 I would, too, if they were around.
02:30:02.000 Like, it's a matter of, like, I don't want to bug anybody, you know?
02:30:05.000 Especially nobody that I... Like, Kat, I don't even know, and Eddie, I've known forever.
02:30:10.000 Like, if he's around, he never wants to do it.
02:30:11.000 If I see him at the store or something like that, I'd love that.
02:30:13.000 What about Chappelle?
02:30:15.000 I would love to do it with Dave.
02:30:16.000 We've talked about it, but we just never did it.
02:30:18.000 It's one of those things...
02:30:19.000 That would be awesome, dude.
02:30:20.000 Dave is another guy, like, you don't want to...
02:30:23.000 I don't want to tie him down.
02:30:24.000 I text him.
02:30:25.000 We talk.
02:30:26.000 But he's a super unusual guy, man.
02:30:29.000 He's just doing his own thing.
02:30:31.000 And if he wanted to do it, he would ask me.
02:30:33.000 And then he'd come and do it.
02:30:33.000 And we'd have, hey, Joe, let's do it.
02:30:35.000 And I'd be like, fuck it. 1.00
02:30:36.000 Come on. 1.00
02:30:37.000 He's the only person in the world that I consider the great white shark.
02:30:42.000 Meaning when he walks in a room, as a comic, there's a weird energy where you're like... 0.99
02:30:47.000 Oh shit, it's Dave Chappelle. 0.57
02:30:48.000 As for me, me and Tom probably were the same age, but he walked into the room when I was getting paid in Dayton one night. 0.99
02:30:54.000 Just walked into the room.
02:30:56.000 You know when you get your check, it's like closed. 0.99
02:30:58.000 And he walked into the room and I just, out of my corner, I was like, what the fuck? 0.98
02:31:00.000 I was like, oh my god. 0.99
02:31:02.000 And I do not get uncomfortable around famous people, but I was fucking shaking. 0.97
02:31:07.000 And I was like... 0.98
02:31:09.000 Doing shit you're embarrassed about, where you're posting up a little bit outside the realm of him, going like, where's everyone going tonight? 0.99
02:31:17.000 Did you know I was the headliner? 1.00
02:31:19.000 I was getting paid.
02:31:21.000 Did you guys talk?
02:31:24.000 I never spoke to him.
02:31:25.000 And he lives around there, right?
02:31:27.000 In Dayton? 1.00
02:31:28.000 Is that his workout club where he goes to fuck around? 0.99
02:31:31.000 Not anymore. 0.99
02:31:32.000 But they said he used to stop in all the time.
02:31:33.000 He used to stop in all the time.
02:31:34.000 Does he do it anymore?
02:31:35.000 I don't think so.
02:31:36.000 He's popped into all the Cincinnati area places, too.
02:31:39.000 You know what he does, man?
02:31:40.000 He'll just fly into a city with no plan.
02:31:43.000 Yeah.
02:31:44.000 And when I was in Denver, I go, why are you here, man?
02:31:48.000 He goes, I just decided to fly in.
02:31:49.000 He's like, they were going to the Canelo Alvarez fight.
02:31:54.000 Who's Canelo Alvarez fighting?
02:31:58.000 Who did he fight recently?
02:32:01.000 Is that who the fight was?
02:32:02.000 Or was it some fight in Vegas?
02:32:04.000 Hey Dave, I'll be at the Wilbur Theatre January 21st. 0.99
02:32:07.000 And I'll fucking party with you beyond. 0.99
02:32:11.000 God, I'd love to party with Chappelle. 1.00
02:32:13.000 My point was he just showed up out of nowhere.
02:32:15.000 He just flew into Denver.
02:32:16.000 I saw that picture. 0.98
02:32:16.000 That got like fucking something like 249,000 likes. 0.98
02:32:19.000 Well, it was just the video was hilarious. 0.97
02:32:23.000 Oh, that's right.
02:32:24.000 What's that?
02:32:25.000 The Amircon fight?
02:32:26.000 Is that what it is?
02:32:28.000 Oh.
02:32:29.000 Could be.
02:32:31.000 Does he roll solo?
02:32:32.000 Might have been Liam Smith. 0.96
02:32:33.000 Who the fuck knows what fight it was then? 0.97
02:32:36.000 Maybe I'm wrong. 0.98
02:32:37.000 Maybe it was the Manny Pacquiao fight.
02:32:39.000 Pacquiao fight recently?
02:32:41.000 Yeah.
02:32:41.000 He did, right?
02:32:42.000 He's gone to see him fight a few times.
02:32:45.000 What fight was it?
02:32:45.000 It wasn't that long ago.
02:32:46.000 It was when I was in Denver.
02:32:47.000 He goes to watch fights?
02:32:49.000 Yeah, just flies in, watches some boxing matches.
02:32:52.000 He loves boxing.
02:32:53.000 Dave Chappelle loves boxing.
02:32:56.000 Really? 0.99
02:32:56.000 Yeah, he's got a buddy of his that's like a boxer and does like boxing training and shit. 0.99
02:33:02.000 He got fought Jesse Vargas on November 5th weekend. 0.89
02:33:04.000 I think that was it.
02:33:05.000 Oh, maybe that was it.
02:33:06.000 Yeah, that's probably it.
02:33:08.000 But he just, again, he's like a version of Ari. 0.99
02:33:11.000 Does whatever the fuck he wants. 0.99
02:33:13.000 Definitely. 0.99
02:33:13.000 Flies into places. 0.99
02:33:14.000 Yeah.
02:33:15.000 Comes and hangs out.
02:33:16.000 That's rad.
02:33:17.000 I know he's done that club.
02:33:19.000 That's like his favorite place.
02:33:21.000 In Denver.
02:33:22.000 Yeah.
02:33:23.000 And they said that he's just been, like Landon, been like, hey, has anyone booked tonight?
02:33:27.000 Can I do a show?
02:33:29.000 And then we'll just add nights if he feels like staying.
02:33:33.000 That's so crazy.
02:33:35.000 It's so awesome, though.
02:33:37.000 Yeah.
02:33:37.000 What's the most important, I'll say it from the other side of you two and Chappelle, is that I can't imagine what it's like for him to go there and be like, how are tickets sales?
02:33:49.000 There's no such thing as him saying that.
02:33:52.000 At a club.
02:33:53.000 You think he says that?
02:33:54.000 No.
02:33:54.000 Really?
02:33:55.000 Never.
02:33:56.000 Never.
02:33:56.000 Really?
02:33:57.000 I mean, not in 10 plus years, for sure.
02:33:59.000 When was the last time you were like, how are ticket sales?
02:34:01.000 For like a club?
02:34:02.000 For anything.
02:34:04.000 No, I have accounts sent to me when things are sold out or not sold out so I can decide whether or not I should tweet it again or put it up on Instagram or something.
02:34:14.000 Yeah, I just look at, like, I wonder what it's like to be Chappelle and just go, I'll do this, and in four minutes, everyone in that city would want to come to see me.
02:34:22.000 Daniel Tosh put up a tweet, and in a tweet, he sold out, like, a whole tour.
02:34:28.000 In the tweet?
02:34:28.000 Yeah, within, like, less than an hour, the whole tour was sold out.
02:34:33.000 Unreal, man.
02:34:34.000 You did a show with him, right?
02:34:36.000 Yeah, it was so fun.
02:34:37.000 I've worked with him. 0.99
02:34:38.000 It's the fucking best. 1.00
02:34:39.000 That dude's slaughtering it. 1.00
02:34:41.000 Yeah, he's crushing. 1.00
02:34:42.000 And doesn't give a fuck. 0.99
02:34:44.000 Doesn't want to do interviews. 1.00
02:34:47.000 Doesn't want to do anything stupid. 0.99
02:34:48.000 He's like, I don't care. 1.00
02:34:49.000 This is coming from the guy who gives a fuck 100%. 0.99
02:34:51.000 I'm like, I'll do everything you need me to do. 1.00
02:34:53.000 Hang out with him.
02:34:54.000 Soak it in.
02:34:54.000 Daniel Tosh is a smart dude.
02:34:56.000 Yeah, but he's untethered also.
02:34:59.000 How so?
02:35:00.000 Dude, he's...
02:35:01.000 I mean, it's very easy to go, I'm not doing any press, when you have the number one show on Comedy Central for, what, eight, ten years?
02:35:07.000 I see what you're saying.
02:35:07.000 That's very easy.
02:35:08.000 Untethered meaning, yeah, not controlled, yeah.
02:35:10.000 But I bet you, if it was, like, whatever, top three or something, you know, like, not the leading thing, you'd still see him being very much who he is.
02:35:20.000 Oh, he's still, yeah, I... We're good to go. 0.98
02:35:44.000 And Daniel Taj literally folded his fucking arms and he goes, I will not start the show until he's kicked out. 0.99
02:35:51.000 No one knew him. 0.99
02:35:52.000 No one knew any of his jokes.
02:35:53.000 Folded his arms and he goes, I will not start the show until he gets kicked out. 0.97
02:35:57.000 And I was like, in my head, I was like, I can't believe you're going to fucking throw this show for one dude in my head. 0.76
02:36:03.000 And by the way, you knew me at the time. 0.94
02:36:06.000 And everyone starts booing.
02:36:08.000 And he's like, no!
02:36:09.000 He goes, no, kick him out. 0.98
02:36:10.000 Kick him out right now. 0.98
02:36:11.000 Arms folded. 0.99
02:36:12.000 Kick him out right now.
02:36:13.000 Was the people booing at Daniel Tosh?
02:36:15.000 At the whole idea, because I had worked through it.
02:36:17.000 Like, I had gone, I had worked through it.
02:36:19.000 And that's why, and so...
02:36:20.000 What was the original heckle?
02:36:21.000 Like, what happened? 1.00
02:36:22.000 The guy was a dick. 1.00
02:36:23.000 He was a redneck with a mullet. 1.00
02:36:24.000 He was a redneck with a mullet.
02:36:25.000 And I want to say a what?
02:36:26.000 Who was Patrick Swayze?
02:36:29.000 In my head, the guy was shirtless.
02:36:30.000 I'm sure he wasn't, but I remember him being shirtless.
02:36:34.000 He was shirtless for seven years in a row!
02:36:35.000 It gets better, it gets better!
02:36:36.000 On stage every show! 1.00
02:36:38.000 You're like, this piece of shit was shirtless! 1.00
02:36:40.000 Need I say more? 1.00
02:36:42.000 Enough said!
02:36:43.000 Literally, the guy was like, okay, here's how it goes!
02:36:46.000 No, so...
02:36:49.000 I'm in the back and I'm watching this.
02:36:51.000 And then Tosh gets into the guy. 1.00
02:36:53.000 And the guy starts going, fuck you! 1.00
02:36:54.000 And Tosh goes, no, fuck you! 1.00
02:36:55.000 Your night's over. 1.00
02:36:56.000 Good night!
02:36:56.000 Have a good night!
02:36:57.000 You know, in a very Tosh way. 0.99
02:36:58.000 I'm not doing it right, but have a good night!
02:37:00.000 Have a good night! 1.00
02:37:00.000 And then the guy goes, I hope you die! 1.00
02:37:03.000 And then Tosh, as the guy's getting walked out the door, goes, I hope you get AIDS! This is in 1994. And everyone groans. 1.00
02:37:13.000 And then Tosh looks at the audience in a moment and goes...
02:37:15.000 The good kind of AIDS, like Magic Johnson AIDS, where he starts opening movie theaters. 0.98
02:37:19.000 The place goes fucking nuts, and his first joke, and this is an old joke for Tosh, so I'll say it. 0.98
02:37:25.000 His first joke is, now, it's in a very urban club. 1.00
02:37:28.000 He goes, Kobe Bryant's so good at basketball, he should be allowed to rape women. 1.00
02:37:33.000 And the place goes fucking bananas. 1.00
02:37:36.000 He goes, if I was his attorney, I would simply put in a highlight reel and go, ladies and gentlemen, the jury, it's one white chick a year. 0.99
02:37:44.000 And I fucking sat in the back of the room, I was like, this is my new favorite comic. 0.99
02:37:49.000 I walked into the agreement and waited for him to come out, and I was like, dude, you're fucking amazing. 0.98
02:37:53.000 He's a funny dude, man. 0.65
02:37:54.000 He's a good guy, too.
02:37:56.000 He's a very good guy.
02:37:57.000 You can talk to him.
02:37:58.000 He's right there.
02:37:59.000 He really is. 0.99
02:38:00.000 There's no weird fake shit going on. 0.96
02:38:02.000 Never has been either. 0.93
02:38:03.000 He's always been cool.
02:38:04.000 I saw him a few weeks ago in Melrose, and he said, how's the weight thing going?
02:38:08.000 And I go, Tweet Bird is fat.
02:38:10.000 Please Tweet Bird.
02:38:11.000 And he goes...
02:38:12.000 And just walk.
02:38:14.000 Yeah, for sure.
02:38:15.000 Absolutely.
02:38:16.000 I saw him in Hollywood at the store.
02:38:20.000 Him and Judd Apatow bumped me.
02:38:22.000 And I was like, it was my first set at the store ever as a paid regular.
02:38:26.000 And I'm 44 years old.
02:38:29.000 And Tosh is like, I'm sorry about this.
02:38:31.000 You know, very cool.
02:38:33.000 And I said, how's everything?
02:38:35.000 He goes, good.
02:38:35.000 How's everything with you?
02:38:36.000 I said, good.
02:38:36.000 And he goes, how's Malibu?
02:38:38.000 He goes, perfect.
02:38:39.000 Yoga, meditation, paddleboarding.
02:38:41.000 How are the kids?
02:38:44.000 You see it in his eyes like...
02:38:47.000 Vacation time. 0.98
02:38:49.000 I fucking love that guy. 0.91
02:38:50.000 He's a good dude. 0.94
02:38:52.000 Yeah.
02:38:53.000 You ready to get a Puerto Rican beard?
02:38:54.000 Yeah, I mean, we could do a five-hour podcast and just keep drinking.
02:38:57.000 I don't mind.
02:38:58.000 It's up to you, dude.
02:38:59.000 But it's about 2.15.
02:39:02.000 What time do we start this pitch?
02:39:03.000 11.30?
02:39:04.000 Yeah, did we get it?
02:39:05.000 Did you really bring a barber's thing?
02:39:07.000 I got a little tweezer thing or a little clipper right there. 1.00
02:39:12.000 You ready to do this shit, Tommy? 1.00
02:39:13.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:39:13.000 Hold on, Tommy. 1.00
02:39:14.000 Tommy's just decided this is happening.
02:39:16.000 No, hold on, hold on.
02:39:16.000 So are you going to go with...
02:39:17.000 There's a bunch of attachments to that jammy, depending on how close...
02:39:21.000 And if you want a sculptor or contour or anything along those lines.
02:39:26.000 But are you going to try to do the prints, you think, Tommy?
02:39:30.000 Here's what I want to do.
02:39:31.000 I want to bring all this out and then bring the bottom out.
02:39:36.000 Okay, right, right.
02:39:36.000 Put a nice line.
02:39:38.000 You're going to sculpt it?
02:39:40.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:39:41.000 This is going to be a pro job.
02:39:42.000 Okay.
02:39:43.000 What about the stash?
02:39:45.000 That's what I'm saying.
02:39:45.000 I want to bring this one.
02:39:49.000 This down.
02:39:50.000 Oh, what is this?
02:39:52.000 Oh my god.
02:39:54.000 Oh my god, it might have to be this.
02:39:55.000 But then, but if you do that, he's just going to shave that off.
02:39:58.000 Shave that, it looks good.
02:40:02.000 That's what I'm going for.
02:40:05.000 Oh my god.
02:40:08.000 Oh my god. 1.00
02:40:11.000 All these fucking pictures. 1.00
02:40:15.000 Pictures of dude's beard is so ridiculous. 1.00
02:40:19.000 There's nothing better than the jaguar guy though or the leopard guy. 0.97
02:40:24.000 The leopard guy is off the charts.
02:40:26.000 I gotta put this on my phone too because I don't want to show my daughters.
02:40:29.000 You want me to hold it?
02:40:30.000 Hold on.
02:40:30.000 No, no, no, no, no.
02:40:31.000 Hold on.
02:40:32.000 I'll just put it.
02:40:32.000 Jamie, are you going with a wide angle so I can move over there?
02:40:35.000 Okay.
02:40:38.000 I'm gonna move over here.
02:40:40.000 That's not my face.
02:40:41.000 With a beard.
02:40:42.000 With my Onnit total gut health and... 1.00
02:40:46.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
02:40:50.000 You ready? 1.00
02:40:51.000 I feel like I should put it in like a ram jar. 0.92
02:40:53.000 Want me to hold it?
02:40:54.000 No, I'll get it left.
02:40:56.000 Figure this out.
02:40:58.000 Yeah, but I want you to be a part of it.
02:40:59.000 I don't want you to...
02:41:00.000 Well, I'm right here, though.
02:41:01.000 I know, but I don't want you to have to focus on you holding it. 0.99
02:41:04.000 Give me that fucking thing. 1.00
02:41:05.000 Shut up. 1.00
02:41:07.000 I'm right here. 1.00
02:41:07.000 I'm just going to rest it right here. 1.00
02:41:09.000 Am I getting hair all in me right now, Tom?
02:41:12.000 You're going to get a little bit of hair on you.
02:41:13.000 Hold on.
02:41:14.000 Let's tighten this up.
02:41:15.000 Oh, you got your password, son.
02:41:17.000 Oh.
02:41:19.000 It's 448-777.
02:41:21.000 Jesus Christ, Bert.
02:41:22.000 Good luck finding my phone.
02:41:24.000 Well, now it became a challenge.
02:41:27.000 Just like the weight loss challenge.
02:41:29.000 That's what you want to do.
02:41:30.000 Find your phone and change the internet. 0.98
02:41:32.000 A bunch of syphilis dicks to everyone on your contact list. 0.99
02:41:36.000 I'm all tightened up. 1.00
02:41:37.000 Don't fuck with my hair, like my actual hair. 0.99
02:41:39.000 Hold on, hold on. 1.00
02:41:40.000 Do you want to go portrait or landscape and which one is which?
02:41:45.000 Landscape, landscape.
02:41:46.000 Flip it this way. 0.99
02:41:47.000 And now I'm going to have to do the fucking editing on this. 0.98
02:41:49.000 Okay, hit stop record. 0.99
02:41:51.000 No, hit record.
02:41:52.000 Okay, we're recording right now.
02:41:53.000 Okay, hold on.
02:41:54.000 I'm putting this here.
02:41:55.000 I'm going to take a sip.
02:41:55.000 Okay.
02:41:56.000 Brett Kreischer, please explain to the people what's about to happen and why.
02:42:02.000 My beard's getting shaved because I challenged Tommy Bunz on a beard challenge on who lost the most weight.
02:42:07.000 And he lost a collective, like, six pounds more than me.
02:42:12.000 I failed.
02:42:13.000 Go ahead.
02:42:14.000 But you did succeed in losing a ton of weight.
02:42:16.000 I lost 35 pounds, I think.
02:42:19.000 So I'm happy that at least I'm not as fat as I am.
02:42:22.000 Just start.
02:42:23.000 What if you look better?
02:42:24.000 Before we do this.
02:42:25.000 I will not look better, Joe.
02:42:26.000 What if you look better?
02:42:27.000 What if you decide, like, I like the new Burt.
02:42:29.000 Maybe the new Burt.
02:42:30.000 I doubt it.
02:42:31.000 Maybe the new Burt doesn't sabotage things.
02:42:35.000 Maybe the new Burt with his new beard.
02:42:37.000 Oh, I'm already uncomfortable with this.
02:42:39.000 Here we go.
02:42:43.000 So, Tommy Bunz insisted in shaving a beautiful pattern into Burt's face.
02:42:48.000 I've worked so hard on that area.
02:42:50.000 You worked hard?
02:42:51.000 What did you do?
02:42:52.000 I just grew it out and I sculpted it.
02:42:56.000 This is an all sculpted area!
02:42:58.000 Sculpted?
02:42:58.000 This is vulnerability.
02:42:59.000 How's it sculpted?
02:43:01.000 What I do is I went to a black barber shop and I taught them how to cut my beard.
02:43:05.000 You taught them?
02:43:06.000 I asked them, I asked them. 0.95
02:43:07.000 How presumptuous is the white man? 1.00
02:43:14.000 This is ridiculous. 1.00
02:43:15.000 What are you laughing at? 0.99
02:43:16.000 I'm not laughing!
02:43:18.000 Where's the microphone on these things? 0.99
02:43:20.000 I might have had my fucking finger over the microphone on your cell phone. 1.00
02:43:24.000 It's okay. 0.99
02:43:24.000 I hope I don't. 0.99
02:43:25.000 No, I don't.
02:43:26.000 I don't.
02:43:26.000 I'll feel the audio from the podcast and it seems like you're going really high.
02:43:30.000 No, I know.
02:43:31.000 It looks good.
02:43:32.000 So you're sculpting it.
02:43:33.000 You're not entirely shaving it off, Tommy?
02:43:35.000 Well...
02:43:36.000 Talk into the microphone, please.
02:43:38.000 I made it so far.
02:43:39.000 Tommy, why have you decided to...
02:43:41.000 Why are you going so high?
02:43:42.000 That's really high.
02:43:44.000 That's not even jawline.
02:43:45.000 Tommy, why have you decided to sculpt it and not completely shave it off?
02:43:48.000 This is a guy where I see so much potential, and I just want it to maximize.
02:43:56.000 Oh, where are you going?
02:43:57.000 Where are you going?
02:43:59.000 Your phone is exploding with text messages while I'm holding this up.
02:44:04.000 I can barely look at it because the screen keeps filling up with text messages.
02:44:07.000 He's giving you a Hitler. 0.95
02:44:09.000 He's giving you a Hitler, son. 1.00
02:44:15.000 Oh my god, this is so stupid. 1.00
02:44:18.000 What's wrong with us? 1.00
02:44:20.000 We're all adults. 0.99
02:44:24.000 What the fuck is wrong with us? 0.99
02:44:27.000 It looks so cool. 0.99
02:44:32.000 Oh my god.
02:44:35.000 Burr, can I please see it?
02:44:37.000 Oh my god.
02:44:39.000 Oh my god.
02:44:40.000 So you're doing the prints.
02:44:41.000 Hold on.
02:44:42.000 Now.
02:44:44.000 Oh my god, I can't breathe.
02:44:51.000 Ugh.
02:45:00.000 Is there a hand in my mouth? 1.00
02:45:02.000 Oh my god, this is so stupid. 1.00
02:45:11.000 Oh, it's really high! 1.00
02:45:13.000 It's really high!
02:45:14.000 Tom, is this the first time you shaved another man?
02:45:17.000 Yeah.
02:45:18.000 But I've thought about it a lot.
02:45:25.000 What are you doing?
02:45:26.000 Why are you cutting that area out?
02:45:34.000 I still feel the same right now.
02:45:41.000 What are you doing to me?
02:45:42.000 I've got so much hair in my mouth.
02:45:44.000 Damien, what about cocktails?
02:45:45.000 What are we doing?
02:45:46.000 What are we doing?
02:45:47.000 You can't drink right now, son.
02:45:48.000 You're in labor.
02:45:50.000 You're giving birth to the new birth.
02:46:00.000 Tommy, you're an artist.
02:46:02.000 You know what you should do, Tommy?
02:46:04.000 What's that?
02:46:04.000 You should once a year offer you to sculpt a fan's beard.
02:46:11.000 You're a goddamn artist, dude. 1.00
02:46:13.000 Does it look good, Joe? 1.00
02:46:14.000 It looks amazing.
02:46:15.000 Really?
02:46:16.000 This should be the new thing that people do.
02:46:18.000 Go back to, like, sculpting beards.
02:46:22.000 That could be a show.
02:46:25.000 You just brought me a drink, Jamie.
02:46:27.000 That could be a show.
02:46:28.000 That could be a show. 1.00
02:46:28.000 His fucking beard is amazing. 1.00
02:46:29.000 I'm crying out of one eye. 1.00
02:46:30.000 That's all the fluid I have in my body. 0.98
02:46:32.000 This could be a show you do on the Travel Channel, where you all get fucked up, and you get someone, and you shave their beard into a sculpture. 0.97
02:46:41.000 Oh, you're getting in the deep area right there. 1.00
02:46:42.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
02:46:43.000 Wait till you see this. 1.00
02:46:45.000 Don't go too high.
02:46:46.000 You're saying that you're going high.
02:46:49.000 What is that?
02:46:50.000 What was that move?
02:46:52.000 That's vulnerability.
02:46:54.000 Oh.
02:46:55.000 You look really good, actually.
02:46:56.000 Really?
02:46:57.000 Yeah.
02:46:57.000 For real?
02:46:57.000 Yeah.
02:46:58.000 You're gonna like this.
02:47:03.000 This might be the greatest time I've ever had on a podcast.
02:47:07.000 Are we good?
02:47:07.000 We're pretty clean, yeah.
02:47:09.000 Alright, so for people just listening, what Tom has done is sculpt Bert's beard in what could best be described as a fencer from the 1600s in France.
02:47:21.000 A fencer?
02:47:22.000 Yeah.
02:47:23.000 You look like either that or, uh...
02:47:26.000 Or someone who would lie about being Puerto Rican.
02:47:31.000 Because they're really from, like... 0.80
02:47:34.000 Somewhere that no one's ever heard of and they're tired of people. 0.98
02:47:38.000 Saying, where the fuck is that? 0.98
02:47:39.000 And they go, it's... 1.00
02:47:40.000 Yeah, I'm just Puerto Rican.
02:47:42.000 How does it look?
02:47:43.000 It looks very Spanish.
02:47:45.000 Like, but New York City fly.
02:47:47.000 You might stick with it.
02:47:49.000 He actually might.
02:47:50.000 Oh, for real? 1.00
02:47:51.000 He's a goddamn artist. 1.00
02:47:52.000 Imagine if it turns out that Tommy Bunz is the premiere beard artist in North America. 1.00
02:47:59.000 I mean...
02:48:01.000 More people are watching this than watch The Way In.
02:48:03.000 Really?
02:48:04.000 How many people are watching this?
02:48:05.000 24,000. 0.99
02:48:07.000 That's so ridiculous. 0.93
02:48:09.000 I feel like... 0.98
02:48:10.000 You might really be happy with this. 0.91
02:48:12.000 You're getting really gross to me. 0.88
02:48:13.000 Sorry.
02:48:15.000 Bert, are you gonna keep this, or are you gonna turn to me please?
02:48:19.000 Huh?
02:48:19.000 That's actually not bad, and I'm not bullshitting.
02:48:22.000 Are you serious?
02:48:22.000 I'm not bullshitting at all.
02:48:23.000 I kinda wanna be surprised.
02:48:24.000 Let me see.
02:48:25.000 I'm not bullshitting.
02:48:26.000 You look good, dude. 0.97
02:48:27.000 Oh my god, this feels so fucking weird.
02:48:28.000 You know what, and here's the thing, man. 0.62
02:48:30.000 Look at yourself.
02:48:30.000 Oh my god!
02:48:32.000 I look like I work at Planet of the Apes! 1.00
02:48:35.000 I look like a fucking monkey! 1.00
02:48:38.000 No. 1.00
02:48:39.000 No, this does not look good!
02:48:42.000 Does it not look good, Joe?
02:48:43.000 I think it does look good.
02:48:44.000 Look at all the hair on me.
02:48:46.000 You get an earring on each ear, a big hoop like a pirate.
02:48:49.000 Yeah, but I look like...
02:48:50.000 I feel like you rent...
02:48:51.000 He rents jet skis for sure.
02:48:54.000 I look how quickly you said, yeah.
02:48:57.000 You didn't even think it through.
02:48:59.000 Like, what a good idea. 1.00
02:49:00.000 Definitely two fucking giant hula hoop earrings. 1.00
02:49:04.000 Oh, shit. 1.00
02:49:05.000 Take your phone, buddy. 1.00
02:49:07.000 Oh, my God.
02:49:08.000 Looks pretty good.
02:49:10.000 Yeah? 1.00
02:49:11.000 Oh, holy shit. 0.99
02:49:12.000 Can you see yourself performing like that? 1.00
02:49:15.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00
02:49:16.000 Yeah, of course. 1.00
02:49:17.000 You have to for a while, right?
02:49:20.000 No, I'm going to shave it off tonight.
02:49:21.000 No, no, no.
02:49:22.000 You should definitely go on stage for the audience, the people that are going to appreciate.
02:49:26.000 They want to see you knowing exactly what happened.
02:49:29.000 What can you fix?
02:49:30.000 He's going to fix it.
02:49:31.000 It's not done.
02:49:32.000 You know, that's what's weird.
02:49:33.000 We never really determined when he's done.
02:49:35.000 So Tom can step back, look at it, and decide to do some changes.
02:49:40.000 Oh, I see the rash.
02:49:41.000 Oh, the rash.
02:49:42.000 Oh, my God.
02:49:43.000 He found the rash.
02:49:45.000 Yeah, man.
02:49:46.000 Sometimes we have rashes, ladies and gentlemen.
02:49:48.000 It's not your fault.
02:49:49.000 I know you feel like you did something naughty that the Lord punished you with a rash, but that's just superstitious. 0.91
02:49:55.000 Rashes, in fact, are bacterial infections on the surface of your skin.
02:50:00.000 It's definitely better now.
02:50:02.000 I recommend defense soap.
02:50:04.000 Let me see.
02:50:06.000 I say just a mustache. 1.00
02:50:07.000 Fuck all that squirrely little bottom hair. 1.00
02:50:09.000 If you want to make him keep it for a while. 1.00
02:50:10.000 I'll keep it for a while.
02:50:11.000 I'm a grown man.
02:50:12.000 I'll go home and shave.
02:50:13.000 No, no, no.
02:50:13.000 Mustache.
02:50:14.000 How about this?
02:50:14.000 What?
02:50:15.000 We get rid of all this crazy shit. 1.00
02:50:16.000 Now we know what it looks like. 1.00
02:50:17.000 Give you a goddamn policeman's mustache. 1.00
02:50:19.000 Hey, you look good, man. 1.00
02:50:20.000 You actually look good.
02:50:21.000 I feel like I look like a monkey, for real.
02:50:22.000 Let me see you.
02:50:24.000 You look like a top-notch bowler from Wisconsin.
02:50:28.000 Chris Hardwick's dad.
02:50:29.000 You're a dude who's on World Series of Bowling.
02:50:33.000 Everybody fears you like the Bill Murray character.
02:50:35.000 Can you imagine making out with me in the dark?
02:50:37.000 And you're like, what is that on the top?
02:50:38.000 Oh, this guy must be covered in a beard.
02:50:40.000 What was that movie? 1.00
02:50:41.000 Fucking Kingpin. 1.00
02:50:42.000 Kingpin. 1.00
02:50:43.000 Holy shit was that movie good. 0.99
02:50:45.000 And he starts flirting with the girl and he goes, not you. 0.99
02:50:47.000 Yeah.
02:50:48.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:50:50.000 Remember when he had to have sex with his landlord in order to pay for the rent? 1.00
02:50:55.000 Nothing like that to loosen up as shit. 1.00
02:50:57.000 He's throwing up into the toilet. 1.00
02:50:59.000 Remember that he has the planned, like, robbery with the guy, and then, uh, oh, sorry.
02:51:07.000 Whoa, is my face in it?
02:51:11.000 Then he throws hot coffee in that guy's face because he has to act like that it wasn't a scam.
02:51:18.000 You know, like the landlord comes in, he's like, what?
02:51:20.000 You're here? 0.99
02:51:20.000 And he just takes hot coffee and splashes it, and the guy, like, fucking screams for his life. 0.99
02:51:25.000 Oh, Jesus Christ. 0.98
02:51:26.000 This feels so weird.
02:51:27.000 I can only imagine.
02:51:30.000 It feels weird because I didn't know my face would be this close to my bones.
02:51:34.000 Well, dude, do you guys, if you just don't do it like this, like this craziness, but just keep going healthy style?
02:51:41.000 You know, I mean, we've got to figure out a way to get you guys to not...
02:51:45.000 I mean, let's be honest.
02:51:49.000 There's no way to do it.
02:51:51.000 If there is a target weight, you're going to dehydrate yourself, right?
02:51:56.000 Yeah, of course.
02:51:57.000 Very seldom does someone go, I'll get below that.
02:52:01.000 You pose that picture of me.
02:52:03.000 Is it hard to talk to me right now?
02:52:04.000 No, we're going to get totally used to it, but I do suggest you keep the mustache.
02:52:08.000 I think it's a wonderful accoutrement to your face.
02:52:11.000 It helps your party man image.
02:52:13.000 And again, you look like a curling champion from Saskatchewan.
02:52:19.000 You look like a duck hunting guide.
02:52:21.000 It looks like a totally different person.
02:52:23.000 It's so wild. 0.97
02:52:24.000 Should I do headshots while I go in?
02:52:26.000 You look like a guy who teaches people how to fly fish. 0.70
02:52:33.000 The guy that knows the difference between a mallard duck?
02:52:36.000 Exactly.
02:52:37.000 Well, that's a diver duck.
02:52:38.000 It's got a totally different kind of meat.
02:52:41.000 You look like you definitely live in your hometown.
02:52:44.000 For sure.
02:52:46.000 And you got a Pennzoil tattoo.
02:52:51.000 I like this bottom mustache.
02:52:52.000 How does it look good?
02:52:53.000 It looks really good.
02:52:54.000 Really?
02:52:54.000 Yeah.
02:52:55.000 You should see it closer.
02:52:56.000 Let me see your Instagram.
02:52:58.000 I do think there's something to be said for bringing back a mustache.
02:53:01.000 There's a few people who do it, and it's a strong look.
02:53:04.000 Oh, it looks good.
02:53:06.000 It looks like the guy...
02:53:06.000 Look at yourself up there.
02:53:07.000 Oh, I need to get my teeth cleaned.
02:53:11.000 Jesus, this just looks sad.
02:53:13.000 No, it doesn't.
02:53:14.000 No.
02:53:14.000 It looks like a guy...
02:53:15.000 I actually like this.
02:53:16.000 It looks like a guy who lost a fuckton of weight.
02:53:20.000 Just not enough to win a competition. 0.78
02:53:21.000 Now he's got a mustache.
02:53:22.000 Imagine if you rock this look and you go back up to 256. That would be an interesting look.
02:53:30.000 So let me ask you guys this because we're probably nearing the end of this experience.
02:53:35.000 How are you guys going to go forth?
02:53:37.000 Most of this was healthy for you, Tom.
02:53:40.000 I think the majority of it was healthy except for the last couple days.
02:53:43.000 The actual trying to make the weight.
02:53:46.000 And Bert, at the very least, you curbed some of your insanity.
02:53:49.000 You curbed it to the point where you lost a tremendous amount of weight.
02:53:53.000 You've got to feel lighter and better.
02:53:56.000 So how do you move forward now?
02:53:58.000 Do you go back to life as usual, or do you start another contest?
02:54:04.000 We can start another contest.
02:54:05.000 I'm totally comfortable with that.
02:54:06.000 It seems like Burt wants to start another contest.
02:54:08.000 I want to start another contest.
02:54:09.000 I want Ari to be involved too because I like Ari's welching. 1.00
02:54:13.000 So we got to get him in.
02:54:14.000 You like Ari's welching?
02:54:16.000 We should do this online.
02:54:18.000 But the challenge doesn't have to be wait this time.
02:54:20.000 It could be something else.
02:54:21.000 What could it be?
02:54:22.000 What could it be?
02:54:25.000 It can be anything, man.
02:54:26.000 That's the crazy thing about the internet. 0.98
02:54:28.000 We can do whatever the fuck we want. 0.74
02:54:29.000 Whatever we come up with, we can just do. 1.00
02:54:31.000 Yeah, no shit, right? 0.99
02:54:32.000 You guys can compete in stuff that doesn't even suck, right? 1.00
02:54:34.000 It doesn't have to be something that sucks, like trying to drain your body.
02:54:37.000 The person can go around the world the fastest. 0.71
02:54:39.000 Hmm.
02:54:40.000 That sounds like a Burt thing, though.
02:54:42.000 No, I'm just trying to think.
02:54:43.000 I'm just trying to ballpark you guys.
02:54:44.000 But the idea is, like, a competition show between the two of you guys would be amazing.
02:54:51.000 Yeah.
02:54:52.000 Because it would be in the best spirits, too.
02:54:54.000 Like, here's the thing about competition like this, right?
02:54:58.000 There was never any animosity, so after it's over, we're all laughing.
02:55:02.000 Yeah.
02:55:02.000 Whereas, like, if you have a fight, for instance...
02:55:05.000 And two people don't like each other in particular.
02:55:08.000 There's always animosity before and after.
02:55:11.000 People are pissed.
02:55:12.000 It's always chaos.
02:55:13.000 We should get our wives involved. 1.00
02:55:15.000 Dude, you're trying to get this personal son.
02:55:18.000 No, our wives, because that's the untapped area. 1.00
02:55:21.000 They're both happy this is over.
02:55:23.000 No, I think, I like this.
02:55:25.000 I'm telling you right now, I'm not adverse to doing another competition at all.
02:55:29.000 And I think it should be something crazy.
02:55:31.000 Well, here we are in January, right?
02:55:32.000 Okay, this is the beginning, first couple of days of January, 2017. Why don't we knock it around for a few months, and we'll figure out how to finance some other competition.
02:55:46.000 Let's do it.
02:55:47.000 Yeah, so instead of, well, let's just figure out what would be a fun thing to do and a difficult thing to do.
02:55:55.000 Right.
02:55:55.000 Two things.
02:55:56.000 That's the key factors.
02:55:58.000 What would be a fun thing to do, but also a difficult thing to do?
02:56:02.000 Well, you guys could do it as a competition.
02:56:04.000 It would be a big deal for you to the point where winning it would be valuable.
02:56:08.000 You'd want to really work hard towards it.
02:56:10.000 It'd be worth your dedication.
02:56:11.000 Dude, we could even bring sponsors involved.
02:56:13.000 I guarantee you.
02:56:17.000 What sponsors would be interested in whatever kind of competition we figured out?
02:56:23.000 We could do something really fun.
02:56:24.000 We could do something really fun.
02:56:26.000 Yeah.
02:56:26.000 What would you guys want to do?
02:56:28.000 What seems like a fun competition?
02:56:30.000 I want to go to Antarctica.
02:56:31.000 What kind of a weird adventure?
02:56:31.000 What do you want to do there?
02:56:33.000 I don't know.
02:56:33.000 I just want to go there.
02:56:34.000 Oh, really?
02:56:34.000 Yeah.
02:56:35.000 I think racing.
02:56:37.000 Racing.
02:56:37.000 That's fun.
02:56:38.000 Yeah.
02:56:39.000 It can be difficult.
02:56:40.000 The first person to get across the United States to get the first.
02:56:44.000 Was that a sentence?
02:56:45.000 No.
02:56:50.000 Yeah, you could definitely do that.
02:56:53.000 You could do like a cannonball run type thing?
02:56:56.000 I wouldn't say that one of you, like you do a lot of CrossFit and you do a lot of exercise.
02:57:01.000 Neither one of you has like any immense physical advantages like if you started in a physical competition right now. 0.95
02:57:07.000 Like if you guys wanted to do some crazy, you know those crazy marine things they do where they climb over fucking poles? 0.96
02:57:13.000 Dude, let's go to SEAL training. 0.99
02:57:15.000 Listen to me.
02:57:16.000 Don't do that.
02:57:17.000 No.
02:57:17.000 Just listen to me.
02:57:18.000 That's worse than dehydrating, for sure.
02:57:20.000 I'm talking about some crazy, like, one of those obstacle courses.
02:57:23.000 We have to, like, swing from the monkey bars and climb on the pole and all that jazz and climb up the net, the rope net, race each other doing something like that, and make a big deal out of that.
02:57:33.000 That would be fun.
02:57:34.000 You guys would have to get in sick shape.
02:57:36.000 Fireman training.
02:57:38.000 Fireman training is pretty interesting.
02:57:39.000 Oh, American Ninja?
02:57:40.000 American Ninja?
02:57:41.000 Matt Iceman's on that.
02:57:42.000 But the problem is, like, do you really think you could even complete that?
02:57:46.000 I could get halfway through it.
02:57:49.000 Man, I'll tell you, I'm not that confident.
02:57:51.000 Mickey Mandeljean, for sure.
02:57:52.000 I move my body pretty good, and I watch that on TV, and I go, I think I'd probably fall off one of those things.
02:57:56.000 I'll call Matt Iceman right now.
02:57:57.000 He can get us on the course.
02:57:59.000 And you're telling me, what, that you'll be able to get halfway through and fall down?
02:58:03.000 That is how a bet starts.
02:58:05.000 I can definitely get halfway through.
02:58:07.000 What do you think you'll be able to do?
02:58:08.000 I've already done the training.
02:58:10.000 No, no, I'm saying him.
02:58:11.000 Sorry.
02:58:11.000 Oh, definitely more than half, but I think we could also find...
02:58:14.000 You couldn't get past the lily pads.
02:58:16.000 I think the whole thing, why don't we find a course that is, like what you're saying, difficult...
02:58:21.000 Oh, wipeout?
02:58:23.000 Wipeout they don't do anymore, unfortunately.
02:58:24.000 That would be an easy one to set up because Matt Kunitz was one of the executive producers of Fear Factor.
02:58:29.000 Oh, really?
02:58:30.000 Yeah, that was his show.
02:58:32.000 Yeah, the people who created Wipeout and made Wipeout in America, most of them were friends of mine.
02:58:38.000 Like a triathlon? 0.98
02:58:40.000 Triathlon would be a motherfucker, dude, if you really wanted to do that. 0.99
02:58:43.000 That's a serious commitment. 0.99
02:58:45.000 Iron Man?
02:58:46.000 The Iron Man would come in and sponsor us.
02:58:48.000 Bert wants to go to the death.
02:58:50.000 Dude, I want to take it to the next level.
02:58:52.000 Now that you have him over the ropes, Bert wants to go to the death.
02:58:55.000 He wants to drown you in the ocean.
02:58:57.000 He wants the possibility that he'll be swimming away and he looks back and a shark takes you.
02:59:02.000 Go to the Ironman?
02:59:04.000 Yeah, what is the...
02:59:06.000 It's a short race. 1.00
02:59:07.000 It's a fucking marathon. 1.00
02:59:09.000 You gotta run a hundred miles. 1.00
02:59:11.000 You wanna do a full marathon in it?
02:59:11.000 You gotta ride a hundred miles on a bike, and you gotta swim a couple miles, right?
02:59:15.000 Fuck no, dude. 1.00
02:59:15.000 Tough Mudder. 1.00
02:59:16.000 Hey, dude, I know the guy at Spartan Race.
02:59:17.000 I know the guy at Spartan.
02:59:18.000 What exactly are the parameters?
02:59:20.000 This is close.
02:59:20.000 If anything...
02:59:21.000 What is this, Jamie?
02:59:22.000 This is that Battlefrog thing they show on ESPN sometimes.
02:59:24.000 It's like teams relay races, but they could probably do it.
02:59:27.000 Oh, we could do Battlefrog.
02:59:29.000 Oh, look at this.
02:59:29.000 You'd have to run up this thing.
02:59:32.000 It's like a Navy SEAL obstacle course, basically.
02:59:34.000 What's really fascinating about you guys is that you both love each other and you're both an interesting combination of impulse and discipline.
02:59:45.000 Ridiculous, fanatical, like, scramble sprint to catch up versus slow, steady marathon pace.
02:59:53.000 You know, it's really funny, man. 0.86
02:59:55.000 Yeah.
02:59:55.000 And laughing hard the whole way.
02:59:57.000 The tip of the spear.
02:59:58.000 Who made those graphics? 1.00
02:59:59.000 You don't make the tip of the spear and make it in neon green, you fuck. 1.00
03:00:03.000 That's not scary. 1.00
03:00:04.000 Tip of the spear out there jabbing at the enemy with cartoon colors.
03:00:09.000 Is that gonna be our thing then?
03:00:10.000 We're gonna find a course?
03:00:11.000 No, what we should do is turn this TV show into, like, ultimate fighter competition thing.
03:00:16.000 Yeah. 0.77
03:00:16.000 Where we both have teams of losers like us. 0.77
03:00:19.000 Let's do that. 0.95
03:00:20.000 Yeah, let's bounce around a bunch of ideas and not commit to any of them.
03:00:23.000 Let's try to figure out, like, what would be the best idea to have a fun competition between you guys that would benefit you.
03:00:29.000 Because you guys both benefited in a huge way from doing this.
03:00:32.000 You both look amazing.
03:00:34.000 Like, dude, I showed your video to my wife. 0.76
03:00:36.000 Have you...
03:00:37.000 Joking around about the work was already done, that your work was already done. 0.99
03:00:40.000 And she was like, holy shit. 1.00
03:00:42.000 They just went, holy shit. 1.00
03:00:43.000 Like, they look at you. 1.00
03:00:44.000 Your skin looks healthy.
03:00:46.000 Your face looks thinner.
03:00:47.000 I was like, you look vibrant.
03:00:49.000 You look like your body had more energy to it.
03:00:52.000 Thanks, man.
03:00:53.000 I definitely do.
03:00:54.000 I mean, it's a lot of weight.
03:00:56.000 Then you always think about, man, I was walking around with that every day.
03:00:59.000 It's too crazy.
03:01:00.000 And we talked about it yesterday, and sometimes people think we're insensitive when we talk about this, like the subject of fat shaming, whether or not fat shaming is a good thing.
03:01:07.000 It's never a good thing to be mean to people, but it might not be the worst thing in the world to feel uncomfortable about the current state you're in if you know that state's unhealthy.
03:01:16.000 And attaching all these, like, magic words to it, like fat shaming and deciding that certain actions can never take place or certain acknowledgements of someone's issue with their weight can never be discussed because it hurts people's feelings, it doesn't necessarily always do that person a service.
03:01:30.000 Like, we'd all be better off if we were healthy. 0.96
03:01:33.000 It feels great to eat fucking Krispy Kreme donuts, but you know what feels better? 0.99
03:01:37.000 To eat Krispy Kreme donuts after you lost 40 pounds. 1.00
03:01:41.000 And you know that tomorrow you're gonna get back on the fucking treadmill. 0.99
03:01:43.000 And you're gonna start eating healthy again. 0.99
03:01:45.000 Give yourself reward days. 1.00
03:01:47.000 But don't let it control your goddamn life. 1.00
03:01:49.000 And don't wrap it up and wrap that criticism and protect yourself from that criticism in a blanket of these fucking stupid rules. 1.00
03:01:56.000 Like, don't ever talk about someone being fat. 1.00
03:01:59.000 Or don't ever discuss it.
03:02:00.000 Or don't make them feel uncomfortable about it.
03:02:02.000 You're supposed to feel uncomfortable about something that you can change, but...
03:02:06.000 If you don't, it's going to kill you.
03:02:08.000 And if you do, it's going to make you feel way better.
03:02:11.000 That's encouragement.
03:02:12.000 The only way to encourage people about certain things that are uncomfortable is to make them uncomfortable.
03:02:18.000 There's no way around it.
03:02:19.000 There's no way someone's going to find out they're overweight and not have it feel bad.
03:02:23.000 I think the uncomfortable feeling is probably the biggest catalyst.
03:02:26.000 That's what makes you do stuff.
03:02:27.000 I think so too, man.
03:02:29.000 It's an uncomfortable thing.
03:02:30.000 It's like someone being brutally honest with you about something that you don't like about yourself, and then you act on it.
03:02:37.000 Yeah, dude.
03:02:38.000 I just think that we definitely could use more nice people in the world.
03:02:45.000 We could definitely use each other being kinder in the world, for sure.
03:02:50.000 When you're dealing with certain situations, like at the very least, you have to be stern with people over certain issues.
03:02:56.000 Like if someone has a drug problem, someone has a weight problem.
03:02:59.000 Yeah, I'm not looking at you, Bert.
03:03:01.000 You're fine.
03:03:02.000 You're doing great.
03:03:03.000 You're a partier. 0.98
03:03:04.000 There's a difference between someone who's got a problem whose life goes to shit and a guy like you who works constantly and also just lost 30 pounds. 0.99
03:03:10.000 As a matter of fact, you might be like the perfect drawing line in the sand. 0.98
03:03:14.000 Like here's a productive guy. 0.99
03:03:16.000 That's enthusiastic about his partying, but he's also a great family man, a great fucking podcaster, a great fucking comedian. 0.99
03:03:24.000 You're having fun. 0.99
03:03:25.000 You're being very productive.
03:03:26.000 You're doing various TV shows, and on top of that, you're partying.
03:03:29.000 Yeah.
03:03:30.000 This is the line.
03:03:31.000 When is it bad for you?
03:03:32.000 When is it destructive to you?
03:03:34.000 Well, when it's good for your life and you're having a good time as well, you've managed it correctly. 0.97
03:03:42.000 I'm so fucking high. 0.99
03:03:44.000 Powerful, so fucking high. 0.99
03:03:44.000 I wish I hadn't been that... 0.99
03:03:45.000 You're the highest functioning party guy.
03:03:48.000 I've got hair all over me, that's what it is.
03:03:49.000 For sure.
03:03:50.000 I am the highest functioning party guy, probably. 1.00
03:03:51.000 But you also just lost 30 fucking pounds like an animal, dude. 1.00
03:03:56.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:03:56.000 You went hard, man. 1.00
03:03:58.000 You ran 24 fucking miles in a day, or 22 miles in a day. 1.00
03:04:02.000 That's hardcore. 1.00
03:04:03.000 Yeah.
03:04:04.000 That is hardcore, man. 1.00
03:04:05.000 That's not someone who's like, oh, fuck it, Tommy. 1.00
03:04:08.000 He beat me. 1.00
03:04:08.000 Now I'm going to feel depressed. 1.00
03:04:10.000 Both of you guys are savages. 1.00
03:04:12.000 You guys both dug your fucking heels into the ground and actually did it. 1.00
03:04:16.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:04:16.000 What you did is super hard to do. 1.00
03:04:18.000 You lost almost 50 fucking pounds, dude. 0.99
03:04:21.000 Yeah. 0.99
03:04:21.000 That's a lot, Tommy. 0.99
03:04:22.000 It's insane.
03:04:23.000 I know.
03:04:24.000 You lost like a good solid kettlebell. 0.99
03:04:27.000 One of those big ass 50 pound kettlebells. 1.00
03:04:30.000 I honestly want to see that picture of Mostly Stories again because that doesn't look like the same human being. 0.52
03:04:34.000 Dude, your whole world is going to be a different thing.
03:04:39.000 You're going to be going through a life lighter.
03:04:41.000 You'll have better ability to move through life, like literally.
03:04:46.000 If someone told me, hey man, from now on...
03:04:49.000 Look at your jaw.
03:04:51.000 Oh, it's crazy.
03:04:53.000 If someone told me, hey man, from here on out, you're gonna be healthy, everything's gonna be great, you're not gonna have to worry about diseases, but you're gonna have to wear a 50 pound vest everywhere you go. 0.99
03:05:06.000 I'd be like, shit. 0.88
03:05:07.000 And then I'd start thinking about the pressure that's gonna put on my lower back and on my knees and on my ankles. 0.99
03:05:12.000 And that's exactly what you see from overweight people.
03:05:14.000 It's exactly the issue.
03:05:16.000 Yeah. 0.99
03:05:16.000 If you go to live life with all that extra shit, it requires too much resources. 0.99
03:05:21.000 But you guys did one of the hardest things that a person can do. 1.00
03:05:24.000 You stopped your pattern in its tracks and you fucking turned the battleship. 0.91
03:05:31.000 You used your will and your discipline, you turned the battleship in a competition between friends, and you both got healthier because of it. 0.98
03:05:39.000 Maybe temporarily unhealthy in the last couple of days, because of the dehydration.
03:05:43.000 But other than that, the weight loss, the diet change...
03:05:46.000 How much have you put on since we started consuming?
03:05:49.000 I've got to be 227. You think you put on that much weight?
03:05:52.000 Oh yeah, 100%.
03:05:53.000 Seven pounds.
03:05:54.000 Climb on.
03:05:55.000 I don't want to lose the bed to Hari. 1.00
03:05:56.000 No, no, no.
03:05:57.000 You already weighed in. 1.00
03:05:57.000 That shit's over, man. 1.00
03:05:58.000 You already weighed in. 1.00
03:05:59.000 But we already removed Ari from the equation anyway. 0.92
03:06:02.000 You have a drink in your hand, though.
03:06:04.000 Got an idea for a challenge, too.
03:06:05.000 Uh-oh.
03:06:06.000 Jamie's got an idea.
03:06:08.000 How much?
03:06:08.000 What's the weight?
03:06:09.000 That is $2.27.
03:06:10.000 $2.27.
03:06:11.000 That?
03:06:12.000 How dare you?
03:06:13.000 No.
03:06:13.000 How dare you?
03:06:14.000 I definitely have put on...
03:06:17.000 Bizarre!
03:06:17.000 I know.
03:06:18.000 It's water weight, man.
03:06:19.000 Yeah.
03:06:19.000 It's bizarre when you...
03:06:20.000 I want to see what you are.
03:06:22.000 Water weight is...
03:06:23.000 I mean, each one of these things, as we said, is a pound, right?
03:06:25.000 That's not that bad.
03:06:26.000 How much you gained?
03:06:27.000 Same amount.
03:06:27.000 Same amount.
03:06:28.000 You gained nine pounds?
03:06:30.000 Oh my god.
03:06:31.000 Both gained nine pounds?
03:06:32.000 That's insane.
03:06:33.000 And water weight. 0.70
03:06:34.000 That's insane.
03:06:35.000 Now, here's the thing.
03:06:36.000 How bad do you feel?
03:06:37.000 Have a seat for a second.
03:06:38.000 Like, do you feel bad?
03:06:40.000 No, I feel great right now.
03:06:40.000 If you had to go on a foot race right now, do you think you'd be okay?
03:06:43.000 Dude, I'm a monster right now.
03:06:44.000 Really?
03:06:45.000 You feel good?
03:06:46.000 I'm being dead serious.
03:06:48.000 The best I've ever felt physically in my entire life.
03:06:52.000 But even though you just lost all this weight?
03:06:55.000 Dehydrated yourself?
03:06:57.000 What I'm asking is how much have you recovered from the way you felt when you came in to weigh in? 1.00
03:07:01.000 Because you felt like shit, right? 0.99
03:07:02.000 Oh, I feel so much better since we weighed in 100%. 1.00
03:07:04.000 But do you feel like you could go run?
03:07:07.000 Not right now.
03:07:08.000 I'm loaded with pizza and vodka.
03:07:09.000 Okay, but if you weren't, like if you weren't, like you feel like physically you feel bad.
03:07:13.000 If I just hydrated, that, I think a lot of times what you're talking about with fat shaming is that people don't understand what it feels like to be on the other side of that, you're getting more vodka. 0.99
03:07:22.000 You guys ever had this shit? 0.99
03:07:24.000 It's water. 1.00
03:07:25.000 I had it yesterday.
03:07:25.000 It was amazing.
03:07:26.000 Like a month ago. 0.98
03:07:27.000 It's fucking great, isn't it? 0.98
03:07:27.000 Yeah, I bought a whole case of it. 0.98
03:07:28.000 I couldn't find it in stores.
03:07:31.000 I think you can get it online.
03:07:31.000 Where'd you get it?
03:07:33.000 Online.
03:07:33.000 I did it on Amazon.
03:07:34.000 It's stevia-flavored soda, but it's got zero sugar in it.
03:07:37.000 And stevia's like a natural plant-based sweetener, so it doesn't fuck with your blood sugar levels.
03:07:43.000 Yeah.
03:07:43.000 Tastes good.
03:07:44.000 I still don't have to pee.
03:07:46.000 That's amazing.
03:07:47.000 That's four bottles of water, two of these.
03:07:49.000 That's amazing.
03:07:50.000 You guys are awesome.
03:07:50.000 Well, you are the water champ, though.
03:07:52.000 I'm going to take a picture of that before we leave because it is quite preposterous because you've had a drink, too.
03:07:57.000 Yeah.
03:07:57.000 So Tommy has had two of these big-ass cans.
03:08:00.000 Just kill it like a grown-up. 0.99
03:08:02.000 No, that's a sip. 0.99
03:08:03.000 Are those 16-ounce cans?
03:08:04.000 How many ounces are in those cans of C2O coconut water?
03:08:08.000 These are 17.5.
03:08:10.000 Jesus Christ.
03:08:11.000 He killed two of those and then four 16-ounce waters.
03:08:14.000 Yeah, I'm on number five.
03:08:15.000 And by the way, if you're one of those people that's like, oh, coconut water tastes like toilet water.
03:08:19.000 No.
03:08:20.000 It tastes like jizz and it's delicious.
03:08:23.000 Hey, coconut, you're allowed to steal that and put that in an ad. 0.75
03:08:26.000 If you want to get the right coconut water, you've got to get it from Thai coconuts.
03:08:31.000 Thai coconuts are very sweet.
03:08:33.000 Have you ever had the tiki ones that are mocha that have caffeine in them?
03:08:37.000 Those are really good, too, man.
03:08:38.000 Like those.
03:08:38.000 Yeah, those are good, too.
03:08:39.000 But those have a lot of sugar in them.
03:08:41.000 Unfortunately.
03:08:42.000 I mean, they're really yummy, but they do have a lot of sugar in them.
03:08:45.000 You know what really is the best?
03:08:46.000 Like, there's a company that has it where it's fresh coconut water.
03:08:49.000 Is that the one at Whole Foods?
03:08:50.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:08:50.000 It's like Harmless Harvest, I think it's called.
03:08:52.000 That shit is the best, man. 1.00
03:08:53.000 The best. 1.00
03:08:53.000 The best. 1.00
03:08:54.000 Really?
03:08:55.000 Yes.
03:08:55.000 It's pure coconut water.
03:08:56.000 And you drink and it's just like, your whole body just goes...
03:08:58.000 And they make a coffee-flavored one?
03:09:00.000 They have a coffee-flavored drink?
03:09:01.000 Oh, yeah, that's a different one.
03:09:02.000 That's a different one, but yeah.
03:09:03.000 Yeah, their coconut water is unbelievable.
03:09:05.000 People get mad if you start talking about coconut water or kale.
03:09:08.000 You're the person that introduced me to coconut water.
03:09:10.000 Really?
03:09:11.000 Interesting.
03:09:11.000 This actually looks good, and I'm actually already used to it.
03:09:14.000 I'm used to it already, too. 1.00
03:09:15.000 It's all bullshit, man. 0.99
03:09:16.000 Listen, man, when I was scared to shave my head, before I shaved my head, I was thinking about it for a couple of days. 1.00
03:09:22.000 I was like, should I do this? 1.00
03:09:23.000 Should I shave my fucking head? 1.00
03:09:25.000 Because it was just getting more and more... 1.00
03:09:27.000 Janky looking up there.
03:09:28.000 Mine's really on this way.
03:09:30.000 I was you in five years.
03:09:33.000 And I was like, it's almost over.
03:09:35.000 I just got to give in. 0.99
03:09:36.000 And then when I finally fucking shaved it, I was like, God damn it. 0.99
03:09:40.000 Why didn't I shave it a long time ago? 0.99
03:09:42.000 This is way better.
03:09:43.000 It's way easier.
03:09:45.000 You just look different.
03:09:46.000 Right.
03:09:47.000 And we're all afraid of looking different for some weird reason.
03:09:51.000 Yeah.
03:09:53.000 Unless different is better.
03:09:55.000 But I do look, I feel like I work at Deadwood, but on the south side, you look great.
03:10:00.000 Here's one of the, actually, the big things about how this has turned out.
03:10:03.000 Because you've lost so much weight, the impact is not, like, if you had been full 250-something, it would look worse, but you lost 30-some pounds.
03:10:14.000 So it actually, you know, you should keep it.
03:10:17.000 I think that mustache...
03:10:18.000 Looks good.
03:10:19.000 I think the mustache at the very least should stay.
03:10:21.000 The mustache might stay.
03:10:22.000 I'm not sure about that chin hair, but I might be tucked into it.
03:10:26.000 I really want to use a razor.
03:10:27.000 I haven't used a razor in like 12 years.
03:10:29.000 Don't shave club.
03:10:30.000 Yeah, they've been going up.
03:10:31.000 Go get a real shave.
03:10:33.000 Ooh, yeah.
03:10:33.000 Go to a barber and sit in the chair.
03:10:35.000 Didn't you already say that you went to a black barber?
03:10:37.000 I went to a black barber, but he just trimmed my beard.
03:10:39.000 Well, go there again and he'll trim your beard. 0.88
03:10:41.000 Get a real shave.
03:10:42.000 Yeah.
03:10:43.000 Do you guys feel better...
03:10:45.000 After this is all over, or do you feel physically drained?
03:10:48.000 Today, I'm really tired, man.
03:10:50.000 Right.
03:10:50.000 But we also smoke.
03:10:51.000 The dehydration, right?
03:10:52.000 But that was rough, man.
03:10:53.000 No, I like that.
03:10:55.000 What?
03:10:55.000 The drugs and alcohol.
03:10:57.000 Yeah, that's your favorite part.
03:10:58.000 But I mean, like, up until then, you rehydrated a little bit before you started boozing, right?
03:11:02.000 Didn't you?
03:11:03.000 Yeah, I drank a lot.
03:11:04.000 But I feel fantastic right now.
03:11:08.000 I feel really good because I feel like I've earned a lot of stuff.
03:11:10.000 Like, today I had two pieces of pizza.
03:11:12.000 This is the way my brain's working right now, but I already know that I've burned all my Fitbit.
03:11:18.000 I guess it's dead.
03:11:19.000 No, it's not.
03:11:20.000 I've burned...
03:11:23.000 3,200 calories already. 1.00
03:11:25.000 Damn, dude. 1.00
03:11:25.000 This morning. 1.00
03:11:26.000 Wow.
03:11:26.000 That's amazing.
03:11:27.000 So, I'm excited for like, to make, I get these styrofoam cups, these 32, and I'm excited to make a big ice water and sit there.
03:11:36.000 Why don't you guys have a jiu-jitsu match?
03:11:40.000 Why don't you guys train for three months and have a jiu-jitsu match?
03:11:46.000 You want to do that?
03:11:48.000 I'm in.
03:11:49.000 I'll do that.
03:11:50.000 That's what I'm talking about.
03:11:51.000 Wait, we need coaches though.
03:11:53.000 Oh, we can get you those.
03:11:56.000 Okay.
03:11:56.000 That's good.
03:11:57.000 Wait, but like...
03:11:59.000 $150,000 on the line.
03:12:02.000 We might be able to get that.
03:12:07.000 I'm in.
03:12:09.000 We might be able to get that.
03:12:11.000 Okay.
03:12:11.000 Is there a second place?
03:12:14.000 Second place?
03:12:16.000 What does second place get?
03:12:18.000 I shave your beard?
03:12:19.000 Yeah, what's the loser? 0.73
03:12:20.000 Yeah, what's the loser get nothing? 1.00
03:12:22.000 Does the winner get something and the loser gets dog shit? 1.00
03:12:24.000 They get nothing? 1.00
03:12:25.000 Zero?
03:12:25.000 I don't know.
03:12:26.000 That's usually how it works.
03:12:27.000 It seems exploitative.
03:12:29.000 Oh, really?
03:12:30.000 Yeah, I think the winner should get more, the loser should get less, but the loser should be compensated just for competing.
03:12:37.000 Yeah, I got you.
03:12:39.000 What if the loser gets...
03:12:40.000 The loser gets to go on the trip in this case.
03:12:43.000 Yeah, well, in this case, it's not like you guys are betting $150,000.
03:12:46.000 That's why Ari's integral to this, is that Ari is the...
03:12:50.000 I love my friend, and I must protect him from his tendencies, so I will assume the fiduciary aspects of this negotiation from here on out.
03:12:58.000 Thank you.
03:13:00.000 What was John Travolta in that movie, Get Shorty?
03:13:05.000 He was the Vig. 0.99
03:13:06.000 Artie's the Vig.
03:13:09.000 John Travolta was in Get Shorty?
03:13:11.000 He was a bookie, right?
03:13:14.000 I don't remember that movie at all.
03:13:15.000 I remember the name of the movie.
03:13:17.000 Get Shorty? 0.54
03:13:17.000 Bookie who came out. 0.54
03:13:18.000 What was that movie?
03:13:19.000 He's like, I want to be a Hollywood producer.
03:13:21.000 And he wrote a script.
03:13:22.000 Goddammit, why am I having such a hard time remembering that movie? 0.86
03:13:25.000 Or he has the script.
03:13:26.000 He's like, I'm the producer of this. 0.93
03:13:28.000 There's a few of those movies that you fucking loved when they came out, like A Bronx Tale. 0.88
03:13:31.000 Yeah, fantastic. 0.87
03:13:32.000 And then you watch it on TV and you're like, why is this completely gone from my memory?
03:13:36.000 Dude, and this has...
03:13:37.000 A Bronx Tale does not remove my memory. 0.95
03:13:39.000 Gene Hackman is so fucking funny in this movie. 0.92
03:13:41.000 God, I gotta see that movie again. 0.97
03:13:42.000 He's so funny.
03:13:43.000 What year is that?
03:13:44.000 90-what?
03:13:44.000 Was it 95?
03:13:45.000 Wow.
03:13:46.000 Do you remember the Gene Hackman scene with the guy that died?
03:13:50.000 Who?
03:13:50.000 The cop.
03:13:51.000 The former cop.
03:13:53.000 He plays that Miami gangster in this movie.
03:13:56.000 And he flies out to get his money from him, from Gene Hackman.
03:14:01.000 Look at how good that looks. 1.00
03:14:02.000 Damn, man. 1.00
03:14:02.000 I don't remember this fucking movie at all. 1.00
03:14:04.000 It is a high possibility that I never saw... 0.99
03:14:06.000 Oh, no.
03:14:07.000 I saw this movie.
03:14:08.000 I remember that violence scene.
03:14:10.000 There he is.
03:14:10.000 That's the guy.
03:14:11.000 Dennis Farina. 0.98
03:14:13.000 He's so fucking funny in that. 0.89
03:14:15.000 He's funny in everything. 0.97
03:14:16.000 That guy's great.
03:14:17.000 He died recently.
03:14:18.000 Delroy Lindo is my favorite black actor ever.
03:14:21.000 James, they beat him up.
03:14:23.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
03:14:25.000 I should watch that again.
03:14:27.000 Yeah, this is great.
03:14:27.000 We should do a fight companion when we watch it.
03:14:31.000 We should watch it in here.
03:14:32.000 Yeah, let's watch Get Shorty in here.
03:14:34.000 I love that. 0.99
03:14:35.000 Have a couple of drinks, get baked, and watch Get Shorty and talk shit. 0.98
03:14:38.000 And we'll tell people to sync it up. 0.97
03:14:40.000 Let's do one. 0.98
03:14:40.000 Hey, let's fucking do that. 0.98
03:14:42.000 For real. 0.99
03:14:43.000 I haven't seen this movie in forever.
03:14:44.000 Let's do it.
03:14:45.000 I barely remember anything in this movie.
03:14:47.000 Like, I might have seen this movie when it came out and completely forgot about it since then.
03:14:51.000 I've never seen it since, so it'll be a total surprise if Jamie kills these previews. 0.99
03:14:55.000 Kill it. 1.00
03:14:56.000 Kill it previews. 1.00
03:14:57.000 Let's do one with Ryan Reynolds for Van Wilder.
03:15:00.000 Do you want to do that?
03:15:01.000 Yeah, I do it.
03:15:02.000 Is that going to be weird because you haven't seen it?
03:15:04.000 Have you seen it?
03:15:05.000 No, I've never seen it.
03:15:06.000 You never saw the movie that was based on a story about your life in college.
03:15:11.000 That seems crazy to me.
03:15:13.000 If we're going to be honest about it, I never had the validation that I had now in my life where his company says that that's what it was based on.
03:15:22.000 So I'd say it on radio and so I didn't want to ever watch it because I felt like I was lying.
03:15:27.000 Did they pay you?
03:15:27.000 No, never.
03:15:29.000 That could be a fun, awkward moment.
03:15:31.000 No, but I think Ryan Reynolds is into it.
03:15:33.000 I mean, his company says he's into it.
03:15:37.000 I think he'd be into it.
03:15:38.000 Into?
03:15:39.000 Watching it live with us.
03:15:41.000 We all get baked and have a few drinks.
03:15:44.000 I don't know Ryan Reynolds.
03:15:45.000 Sure.
03:15:45.000 I don't know him either.
03:15:46.000 I don't know why you'd invite him.
03:15:47.000 You don't even know him.
03:15:47.000 I like how you made the assumption that he'd be into it.
03:15:50.000 Well, they said they do it.
03:15:51.000 Yeah, Ryan Reynolds loves gets baked on the internet.
03:15:53.000 They said he'd do it on my podcast.
03:15:54.000 Oh, really?
03:15:55.000 Yeah, they said he'd do it on my podcast.
03:15:57.000 You should definitely do that, man.
03:15:58.000 Who took your story and brought it over there and profited from it?
03:16:03.000 Some writer and there's it was never an issue because it wasn't really used based on you or stories about you that they added a bunch of the option was made by a company by an agency a literary agency and they Took it and they sold it with me and the Writer of the article attached so the art the movie had to be about a Journalist writing an article about a party animal right that was the caveat and So then I got discovered
03:16:33.000 by Will Smith, and that deal fell apart, and the Oliver Stone deal fell apart, and then one of the producers or one of the writers who had submitted scripts or sent a script in, and it was moving forward, and they thought that was going to be the one.
03:16:45.000 When it fell apart, he just took it and sold it to Van Wilder, or to National Lampoon, and they made it Van Wilder.
03:16:51.000 Wow.
03:16:52.000 Yeah.
03:16:53.000 So I didn't really have any attachment to any of it.
03:16:56.000 I never got paid for any of it.
03:16:57.000 And I didn't make any of it, but at the same time, My best friend in college, his name's in the movie.
03:17:05.000 It's so weird.
03:17:07.000 But I have no bitterness towards it.
03:17:10.000 I don't care. 0.98
03:17:11.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99
03:17:11.000 Well, that's good. 0.99
03:17:12.000 It's a little sidebar to your life. 1.00
03:17:15.000 Stop putting on shit. 1.00
03:17:16.000 I gotta get going, man. 1.00
03:17:17.000 No, why?
03:17:17.000 Where?
03:17:18.000 We got a podcast today?
03:17:19.000 Yeah.
03:17:19.000 What?
03:17:20.000 You did one yesterday.
03:17:20.000 I'm not doing one.
03:17:23.000 Where do you have to go?
03:17:24.000 Where are you going?
03:17:24.000 I'm just ready to go.
03:17:26.000 Why do you do that?
03:17:27.000 See, I would never do that.
03:17:29.000 Why? 0.99
03:17:29.000 This fucking podcast is eight hours old. 0.99
03:17:31.000 Yeah, man. 0.99
03:17:32.000 What time are we at right now?
03:17:34.000 We're about three hours and how many minutes?
03:17:37.000 Ten?
03:17:37.000 Three, seventeen.
03:17:38.000 We've got to do another 12 minutes at least.
03:17:41.000 We'll wrap it up to the top of the hour.
03:17:44.000 Top of the hour.
03:17:46.000 How do you get like that?
03:17:47.000 That's just how I am.
03:17:49.000 You guys are funny.
03:17:50.000 This is like impulsive versus discipline.
03:17:53.000 This is slow steady marathon versus sprint while you're drunk.
03:18:00.000 Listen, both are virtuous.
03:18:02.000 There's virtue in both.
03:18:04.000 Both birth strategies will pay dividends.
03:18:07.000 They both will bear fruit.
03:18:08.000 We should do a tour together when I get famous.
03:18:11.000 I love it because you guys are so opposite ends of this spectrum.
03:18:18.000 When you get famous, you guys should do a tour together?
03:18:20.000 Is that what you're saying?
03:18:21.000 You're famous.
03:18:22.000 No.
03:18:23.000 You don't think you're famous?
03:18:23.000 You don't think people know who you are?
03:18:25.000 You just told me about the Rams game where some guy yelled out, the machine!
03:18:27.000 He said multiple people didn't stop doing it.
03:18:30.000 I wore my name on the back of my jersey!
03:18:33.000 Right.
03:18:34.000 No.
03:18:35.000 No.
03:18:36.000 You're a good level of fame, dude. 1.00
03:18:38.000 Fuck fame. 1.00
03:18:41.000 I'm being dead serious when I say this. 0.99
03:18:43.000 I love the way people that don't know that I'm friends with Tom, I love the way they talk about his stand-up.
03:18:47.000 Like when they're like, I'll say something about you, and they'll go, oh, you know Tom Scurra? 0.98
03:18:52.000 Oh my god, like, his stand-up's fucked up. 0.95
03:18:55.000 It's my favorite special ever. 0.98
03:18:56.000 Most of the stories, my favorite special ever.
03:18:58.000 I love that.
03:18:58.000 That's what I like.
03:18:59.000 Yeah, it's always nice when you can tap into a bunch of people that kind of feel about somebody the way you feel about them.
03:19:05.000 Yeah, Bill Burr, man, is my favorite person.
03:19:07.000 Because we all can agree, he's maybe our favorite guy doing stand-up right now.
03:19:11.000 But man, I love him.
03:19:14.000 Tommy just gave the Mets a Mets hand.
03:19:17.000 He's alright.
03:19:18.000 He's alright.
03:19:20.000 Yeah, he's definitely in this rare group of people that I seek out to watch do stand-up.
03:19:26.000 He's tremendous, man.
03:19:27.000 Yeah, and I think...
03:19:29.000 There's also, like, it's a really good thing, like, just like you guys were talking about the competition of the weight loss and the fun inspiring you, there's at least some sort of unconscious competition when you're surrounded by people that are really funny.
03:19:42.000 Yeah.
03:19:42.000 And, like, where we're at...
03:19:44.000 That's the store.
03:19:44.000 Yeah, man.
03:19:45.000 Where we're at right now, today in L.A., in 2017, is a really rare time where it's, like, we're surrounded by killers, you know?
03:19:53.000 And guys, people don't even know.
03:19:54.000 Like, Owen Smith, you ever see Owen Smith, the comedy store?
03:19:57.000 It's been a while. 0.97
03:19:58.000 Fucking hilarious. 0.96
03:19:59.000 Santino, you've seen Santino. 0.99
03:20:01.000 We talked about him yesterday.
03:20:02.000 Yeah, I want to hear that bit.
03:20:03.000 Hilarious.
03:20:04.000 There's a gang of these kids.
03:20:06.000 A lot of fun.
03:20:06.000 And men and women and a bunch of people coming up.
03:20:09.000 There's a bunch of people coming up that are really fucking funny. 0.86
03:20:12.000 Yeah.
03:20:13.000 It's an awesome time, man.
03:20:15.000 I work with a bunch of dudes that are super funny that come with me now.
03:20:19.000 Josh Potter.
03:20:20.000 Have you done with him yet? 0.97
03:20:21.000 He stinks. 0.99
03:20:23.000 I know for what it's like to be Josh Potter right now and hear your name brought up on a podcast and then go, oh, why would they shit on me? 0.99
03:20:30.000 Where's the Full Charge? 0.62
03:20:31.000 I haven't seen him in forever.
03:20:33.000 He's with me in West Palm.
03:20:34.000 You take Full Charge with you?
03:20:36.000 I love that guy.
03:20:36.000 I take Full Charge a bunch.
03:20:38.000 He's the best.
03:20:39.000 He's a good man.
03:20:40.000 Jeff Tate.
03:20:40.000 You've had Jeff Tate on, right?
03:20:42.000 Nope.
03:20:42.000 You've never had him on?
03:20:43.000 Nope.
03:20:43.000 Never had Jeff Tate on.
03:20:45.000 Yeah.
03:20:45.000 Yeah.
03:20:46.000 Great.
03:20:46.000 There's a lot of good ones.
03:20:48.000 I took Jerron Horton with me to the Comedy Works in Denver.
03:20:52.000 How was that? 0.98
03:20:52.000 Fucking great. 0.98
03:20:53.000 He's a funny dude, man. 0.98
03:20:55.000 You know what's also a funny dude?
03:20:56.000 Josh Martin. 0.98
03:20:56.000 Josh is fucking hilarious. 0.98
03:20:58.000 He's a hilarious dude. 1.00
03:20:59.000 He says funny shit. 0.99
03:21:00.000 I was like, hey, you should do the road more. 1.00
03:21:02.000 And he's like, well, I can't get off Thursdays or Sundays.
03:21:05.000 And I was like, well, that's the road. 0.85
03:21:08.000 Like, we were just bullshitting.
03:21:09.000 I was like, well, that's the time I need you.
03:21:12.000 Those are the nights I don't want to do it either.
03:21:14.000 Right.
03:21:15.000 Oh, Carlos Valencia?
03:21:16.000 You know him?
03:21:17.000 Yeah.
03:21:17.000 Super funny.
03:21:18.000 Super funny.
03:21:19.000 The 2017 roster, the people that are coming up right now, the people that are just starting to get to know them, they're the most educated in all of the young group of comics that are coming up.
03:21:31.000 Right.
03:21:31.000 Because all of them.
03:21:32.000 All these young men and women that are getting into stand-up now, they've experienced the whole internet boom during their adolescence.
03:21:42.000 They grew up with it.
03:21:43.000 But they're comedy fans.
03:21:45.000 Comedy fans and the internet boom has allowed them to have access to everything.
03:21:49.000 When we were kids, we'd have to go find a Bill Cosby album.
03:21:53.000 We used to have to find a Kinnison cassette or a Dice cassette.
03:21:56.000 We had to go find a Richard Pryor CD. It was hard.
03:22:01.000 You need to go seek it out.
03:22:02.000 Like, now it's instantaneous.
03:22:03.000 The moment you get it in your head that I would like to see some comedy, almost everyone has some kind of a computer today.
03:22:10.000 Dude, you know, I just remember when you said that, when I used to open for Bert and, like, really early on, see how hard he would kill.
03:22:19.000 Like, he kills so much harder than most people can understand.
03:22:22.000 And I would try to mimic some version of what he was doing.
03:22:27.000 So...
03:22:28.000 You know what I mean?
03:22:28.000 Because he had such this energy.
03:22:30.000 Yeah, the energy.
03:22:31.000 So I would go up there and I'd do my act, but I'd be like...
03:22:35.000 I try to express like he does.
03:22:39.000 And I had a friend who was like, hey man, you look real crazy up there right now.
03:22:44.000 He told me afterwards because I was trying to be like...
03:22:47.000 The best...
03:22:48.000 Maybe my favorite time in my friendship with Tommy is when...
03:22:53.000 When you bombed in Sacramento, I've never enjoyed...
03:22:58.000 Like, you know how, like...
03:22:59.000 It's a real bad bomb, too.
03:23:01.000 It was like...
03:23:02.000 What started it?
03:23:03.000 A rape joke.
03:23:05.000 But...
03:23:06.000 Oh, dude.
03:23:11.000 It was...
03:23:11.000 Was it at least tasteful?
03:23:14.000 Well, it was...
03:23:15.000 I wasn't, like, endorsing it.
03:23:17.000 I was making...
03:23:18.000 It was...
03:23:19.000 Of course.
03:23:19.000 It was, uh...
03:23:20.000 It was into raping. 0.93
03:23:22.000 You remember Hurricane Katrina? 0.98
03:23:24.000 Right.
03:23:24.000 So that happened.
03:23:26.000 And there were stories that I think, that amidst all the chaos, people were getting raped.
03:23:34.000 Right.
03:23:34.000 And I opened with something like...
03:23:37.000 Something like, you know, there's nothing like a floating corpse to get me in the mood when I fuck somebody. 0.99
03:23:43.000 And then I would elaborate on the story and have jokes. 0.99
03:23:46.000 It started there, and it was the early show Friday.
03:23:50.000 And, I mean, not only did that not get a laugh, and I'm telling you, it's a full house.
03:23:56.000 I got no laughs for the next 22 and a half minutes, and I know it was 22 and a half minutes, because I was supposed to do 25. By the way, Tom had his hair, his hair was long at the time, it was like a comb over, and what would happen is, slowly as he worked, it would flatten onto his hat,
03:24:11.000 onto his head, onto his face, and just be wet.
03:24:14.000 I was sweating a lot, man.
03:24:15.000 And then when I got off stage, the lady goes, I thought you were supposed to be funny.
03:24:20.000 And I was like, yeah.
03:24:21.000 You know, because you're just like so vulnerable.
03:24:24.000 Who was the lady, the booker? 0.92
03:24:25.000 Yeah, and she managed it. 1.00
03:24:27.000 Did you do any other sets there that week?
03:24:29.000 Oh, wait.
03:24:30.000 There's a 10 o'clock show.
03:24:32.000 10 o'clock show I opened the same way and I bombed just as hard back-to-back 25 minute sets just as hard like and and then I remember the host goes I've never seen a feature bomb like that like he was he was and he was the MC and then I Really was like having you know like having to lie to myself at the hotel I was like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing but I was like no it's definitely you know what you're doing and unlike it was it was a shaky and And then the next day,
03:25:00.000 Bert goes, hey, can I tell you just one thing?
03:25:03.000 And I go, yeah, what?
03:25:04.000 He goes, just open on a different joke.
03:25:07.000 Just open on a different joke.
03:25:08.000 Do exactly everything else.
03:25:10.000 Just open on a different joke.
03:25:11.000 And I go, okay.
03:25:13.000 I go out there.
03:25:14.000 I do what he said.
03:25:15.000 I have...
03:25:16.000 To that point, probably the best set I've ever had.
03:25:19.000 And then I go to the manager who's behind a curtain in the kitchen and I go, well?
03:25:25.000 And she goes, well, what?
03:25:26.000 Did you do your set?
03:25:27.000 And I go, you definitely just heard what happened.
03:25:29.000 There was like, there's 300 people out there.
03:25:31.000 And she was like, did it go well or was it just like last night? 1.00
03:25:34.000 And I was like, you fuck. 0.99
03:25:35.000 And then I went back, and the same thing, I did the same thing, the second show, just opened differently, and I was like, oh, thanks, Bert. 0.99
03:25:42.000 It was the best advice I ever got for getting through that. 0.96
03:25:45.000 Wow, so it's hard if people don't know who you are, if you jump out there and alienate them with a fucked up joke. 0.92
03:25:49.000 Yeah, and then they tell me later, they're like, well, you know, that first group, there was like 90 Mormons that just wanted to come to the show. 0.97
03:25:55.000 It was like a Mormon baseball team.
03:25:56.000 Mormon, yeah, group came in. 1.00
03:25:57.000 Oh, well, what in the fuck is that? 1.00
03:25:58.000 That's what they used to do. 0.99
03:25:59.000 They used to sell...
03:26:01.000 Sell out the place to a church and then you didn't know you were performing for a church.
03:26:04.000 Mormons would be fine if they could drink. 1.00
03:26:07.000 I like Mormons.
03:26:08.000 But I mean, at a comedy show, if you get Mormons... 1.00
03:26:11.000 They take pills like crazy. 0.99
03:26:12.000 I know they do.
03:26:13.000 Yeah.
03:26:14.000 I know they do.
03:26:14.000 I parted with a bunch in Utah.
03:26:16.000 I bet you have.
03:26:16.000 They're allowed to.
03:26:18.000 Yeah.
03:26:18.000 Pills aren't in their doctrine.
03:26:20.000 No pills?
03:26:20.000 They can do pills.
03:26:21.000 Oh, they can do pills.
03:26:22.000 They can do monster energy drinks too, but they can't drink coffee.
03:26:24.000 Isn't that crazy? 0.99
03:26:25.000 They can load up on those fucking gigantic... 1.00
03:26:28.000 Yeah. 1.00
03:26:29.000 You know those fucking huge cans of Red Bull that you look at them and you go, no. 0.98
03:26:33.000 Yeah, don't drink that. 1.00
03:26:35.000 Ugh.
03:26:36.000 You know I've never had even Monster Energy?
03:26:39.000 Never?
03:26:40.000 Never.
03:26:40.000 They're awesome if you want to stay awake.
03:26:41.000 Hey, what do you like on Coke?
03:26:43.000 I'm uh...
03:26:45.000 That sounds like a guy trying to blow you.
03:26:47.000 No, but no, like, because I know you partied really much harder than I've ever partied.
03:26:51.000 But you're so even keeled. 0.97
03:26:53.000 Even when you get high, you're not even fucked up. 1.00
03:26:55.000 Wait a fucking minute. 0.99
03:26:56.000 You really think that Tommy has partied much harder than you've ever partied? 0.99
03:27:00.000 I know that.
03:27:00.000 And he knows that.
03:27:01.000 Do you think that's true?
03:27:03.000 100%.
03:27:03.000 He's making reference to one occasion.
03:27:06.000 I've never overdosed.
03:27:10.000 Yeah, that's true.
03:27:13.000 Tommy's overdosed.
03:27:14.000 What did you overdose on?
03:27:16.000 I drank too much GHB, and then I took some ecstasy, and then I had like 12, 13 screwdrivers.
03:27:25.000 Oh my god. 1.00
03:27:26.000 No shit. 1.00
03:27:27.000 I was a freshman in college. 1.00
03:27:29.000 Oh my god. 0.99
03:27:30.000 Still I had my shit in control. 1.00
03:27:31.000 That's amazing. 0.99
03:27:32.000 Yeah, it wasn't good.
03:27:34.000 What happened?
03:27:35.000 She woke up in the hospital?
03:27:37.000 Yeah.
03:27:38.000 Strapped down.
03:27:39.000 Tubes down my throat.
03:27:40.000 Wow.
03:27:41.000 Yeah, they're pumping.
03:27:42.000 It's top of the hour.
03:27:43.000 You want to wrap this up?
03:27:44.000 So, it was really bad, man.
03:27:46.000 It was really bad.
03:27:47.000 Wow.
03:27:48.000 Yeah.
03:27:48.000 You've told this before, though, right?
03:27:49.000 Yeah, I told it on our show.
03:27:50.000 It's Tom Segura overdoses.
03:27:52.000 Dude, I didn't hear that story.
03:27:53.000 Yeah, it's...
03:27:54.000 So what happened when they said, what did you take?
03:27:57.000 What did you write down?
03:27:58.000 So they gave me...
03:27:59.000 So I'm strapped down.
03:28:00.000 What they do when you OD and they catch you at that stage, because I had passed out, is this starts to swell.
03:28:08.000 So they thought about giving me a tracheotomy.
03:28:11.000 They put tubes down there.
03:28:12.000 They're strapped down so that you don't pull the tubes out when you come to.
03:28:16.000 So when I did, your hands are really restricted.
03:28:19.000 Right.
03:28:20.000 And then they're trying to figure out what's going on to see if you can help them know what's in your system.
03:28:26.000 So I'm left-handed for writing, and they gave me the pen in my right hand and strapped.
03:28:33.000 So they write, or they ask me, what did you take?
03:28:38.000 And I wrote heroin.
03:28:42.000 And they were all like, are you serious?
03:28:44.000 And I was like, just kidding.
03:28:52.000 Just kidding.
03:28:54.000 And then I had to write out...
03:28:56.000 And then they found...
03:28:57.000 They give you that...
03:28:58.000 Why didn't you write out, I'm left-handed?
03:29:02.000 It seems like it'd be way quicker.
03:29:05.000 I'm left-handed!
03:29:06.000 The toxicology report.
03:29:08.000 They go, you have everything in your system.
03:29:11.000 The doctor was like, you have barbiturates, you have uppers, you have downers, you have opiates.
03:29:18.000 Because the GHB was spiked with stuff.
03:29:20.000 The pill I took was spiked with stuff.
03:29:22.000 He's like, that's the thing.
03:29:23.000 And you have so much in you.
03:29:24.000 It would have killed...
03:29:26.000 A lot of people.
03:29:27.000 Like, it's amazing that you're alive.
03:29:28.000 And I go, why am I alive?
03:29:30.000 And he goes, honestly, because you're a pretty big boy.
03:29:32.000 Basically, he was like, you're fat, and that's what saved your life. 0.88
03:29:35.000 Dude.
03:29:35.000 That you're 250 pounds at the time.
03:29:38.000 Wow.
03:29:39.000 Yeah.
03:29:39.000 Did that change the way you partied?
03:29:41.000 Oh, my God, dude.
03:29:42.000 Yeah, of course.
03:29:43.000 Really?
03:29:44.000 Yeah.
03:29:45.000 Nah.
03:29:47.000 No, but you're so even-keeled now.
03:29:49.000 Like, even still, like, when we go out to dinner, you have two glasses of wine.
03:29:52.000 I just am not...
03:29:53.000 It's not from that.
03:29:54.000 I just...
03:29:55.000 I'm just not a big...
03:29:58.000 Bert, you love jumping up and down.
03:29:59.000 Yeah.
03:29:59.000 You love the sprint.
03:30:01.000 I do.
03:30:01.000 You do.
03:30:02.000 You love the, we're doing it! 0.99
03:30:03.000 We're fucking doing it! 1.00
03:30:04.000 Woo! 0.99
03:30:05.000 The best is when he is...
03:30:06.000 That's what you love.
03:30:06.000 Sure comes off.
03:30:07.000 There's so many times where I've been at his place, and he's like, just taking it easy.
03:30:11.000 And if I go like...
03:30:12.000 All you have to do, it's like, you just...
03:30:14.000 You plant the seed.
03:30:16.000 And you go, hey, you want to have a beer?
03:30:18.000 He goes, what?
03:30:19.000 What?
03:30:20.000 Can we drink?
03:30:20.000 Let's do it.
03:30:21.000 And he gets so excited.
03:30:22.000 You did it at your house.
03:30:24.000 You've done it before.
03:30:25.000 I've done it before. 1.00
03:30:25.000 At your kid's birthday party, you were like, fuck this. 1.00
03:30:28.000 You want to go get a beer? 1.00
03:30:28.000 And I was like, fucking finally. 1.00
03:30:31.000 You can get him every time. 0.99
03:30:32.000 You never go like, not right now.
03:30:35.000 No, that's not who I am.
03:30:36.000 That's not who I am.
03:30:37.000 I'll never be that guy.
03:30:38.000 Somebody suggested you're on board.
03:30:39.000 That's one of the most fun things.
03:30:40.000 You're all about it.
03:30:41.000 Yeah, I like it.
03:30:43.000 I like the rush of it. 0.99
03:30:44.000 Like, imagine when I have you in a fucking triangle and I'm about to... 0.99
03:30:49.000 Is this gonna happen? 0.99
03:30:50.000 Can I get an Eddie Bravo? 1.00
03:30:52.000 Well, what the fuck? 1.00
03:30:54.000 He knows Eddie Bravo, too. 1.00
03:30:55.000 Okay, Eddie, pick your teams.
03:30:57.000 You get Jack Smith.
03:30:58.000 Hmm, how does that work?
03:31:00.000 Should Eddie be able to have a team?
03:31:01.000 You just do it at EBI or something like that.
03:31:03.000 Yeah, we could definitely do it at EBI. I'm looking for my fucking teammate. 1.00
03:31:07.000 We could definitely do it at EBI. Maybe it's not fair, since Eddie knows both of you. 1.00
03:31:11.000 Maybe it's not fair that either one of you gets trained by Eddie.
03:31:14.000 It's a good idea that he could be the ref.
03:31:16.000 I'll take Jean-Jacques.
03:31:17.000 That's fine.
03:31:18.000 Tommy Biggers, I'll take Jean-Jacques.
03:31:20.000 I'll just take some Brazilian. 0.99
03:31:21.000 Anyone who wants to help me.
03:31:22.000 Anyone?
03:31:23.000 Do the bone?
03:31:23.000 Yeah.
03:31:24.000 One of those dudes from the Gigolo Show.
03:31:26.000 Absolutely.
03:31:26.000 If he's like, I'm Brazilian, I trust you.
03:31:28.000 I can figure it out.
03:31:29.000 Let's do this.
03:31:30.000 Hey, I'll teach you triangle, but first I'll be right back. 1.00
03:31:33.000 I got to sling the dick. 0.99
03:31:38.000 This has been a great podcast. 0.99
03:31:39.000 Yeah, what would you do if you did do a jiu-jitsu match?
03:31:41.000 Would you do, like, how long do you think it would be?
03:31:43.000 Like a five-minute match?
03:31:45.000 Ten?
03:31:45.000 Twelve?
03:31:46.000 No, buddy.
03:31:47.000 I don't know.
03:31:47.000 I've never seen one.
03:31:48.000 It's a long time.
03:31:49.000 Well, yeah, I think we'd do...
03:31:51.000 Man, I mean, it would have to be one round to see who can...
03:31:55.000 Yeah.
03:31:56.000 Yeah.
03:31:58.000 If you guys really want to do it, we'll bounce around.
03:32:00.000 I don't think there's no need to come up with a definite contest right now.
03:32:07.000 You guys are eyeballing each other.
03:32:08.000 Because I'm thinking about cross-country skiing where they have the rifles too.
03:32:12.000 We could do that.
03:32:17.000 Something called the total archery challenge.
03:32:19.000 It's like you run around the woods and hit targets. 0.99
03:32:21.000 I mean, I'll kill that. 1.00
03:32:24.000 Listen, you guys could do a bunch of shit. 1.00
03:32:27.000 It really should be a show though. 0.99
03:32:30.000 And if you keep it along the path that it's been on for this sort of competition, this is like a super beneficial competition for both you guys.
03:32:38.000 Dude, you've lost an insane amount of weight.
03:32:42.000 You really did.
03:32:43.000 Tommy, seriously, that's the one that really freaked out.
03:32:45.000 My sisters have never watched this podcast.
03:32:48.000 They've heard it before.
03:32:49.000 They've never watched it.
03:32:50.000 They watched it with my wife and my daughters yesterday.
03:32:53.000 They did?
03:32:53.000 Yeah, and I came home and they were like, Tommy's lost a lot of weight.
03:32:57.000 I was like, hey, your dad has too.
03:32:59.000 And they're like, I know, but Tommy's lost a lot of weight.
03:33:01.000 But they see you daily.
03:33:02.000 They see me daily, but they were like, Tommy's lost a lot of weight.
03:33:05.000 That is a problem, though.
03:33:06.000 When people are around you all the time, they get used to a certain look, and even if it shifts radically over the course of six months, you don't notice it.
03:33:12.000 This one's going to take a while, I think, for the family.
03:33:14.000 With the face?
03:33:15.000 Of the mustache?
03:33:16.000 Are you going to keep the mustache?
03:33:17.000 Are you going to just go home?
03:33:17.000 I'm going to trim it up a tad bit before I go home, but yes.
03:33:20.000 Are you going to trim it before you go home?
03:33:21.000 The bottom part is a little tad bit uneven.
03:33:25.000 No, it looks good.
03:33:26.000 Agree to disagree?
03:33:27.000 If you want to trim it up, that's all fine and dandy.
03:33:30.000 I'm going to trim it up a tad bit.
03:33:31.000 I think the mustache is staying.
03:33:32.000 I'm very happy you made that decision.
03:33:34.000 Yeah, that's good.
03:33:35.000 I think the mustache is the way. 0.81
03:33:35.000 My daughter's going to freak the fuck out. 0.81
03:33:37.000 Oh, they're going to laugh. 0.97
03:33:37.000 They're going to be fine with it. 0.97
03:33:38.000 Because they're happy to see you.
03:33:40.000 They're going to be fine with it.
03:33:40.000 They're going to be like this.
03:33:41.000 Eating dinner with me just, ah, I have a business meeting.
03:33:43.000 Yeah.
03:33:43.000 We're going to be late for that for sure.
03:33:45.000 Nope, nope, nope.
03:33:45.000 I'm good.
03:33:46.000 I'm good.
03:33:46.000 You're good?
03:33:46.000 Yeah, I cushioned it.
03:33:49.000 Cushioning is very important in this business.
03:33:50.000 But Jamie, do we have to leave?
03:33:51.000 No.
03:33:51.000 Because Tom's moving around like he has to leave, but I don't think he has to.
03:33:54.000 No, I don't have to leave.
03:33:55.000 I don't have to leave either, Tommy.
03:33:57.000 This is one of the things you get off the most.
03:33:58.000 You have a waffles date.
03:34:00.000 No.
03:34:01.000 When's your waffle date?
03:34:02.000 I don't have the time.
03:34:03.000 There's no time.
03:34:04.000 No time.
03:34:04.000 You just made a decision.
03:34:05.000 We're going to go.
03:34:06.000 It's a good move.
03:34:07.000 Yeah.
03:34:09.000 Waffles are like pure enjoyment.
03:34:11.000 There's no illusion of nutrition.
03:34:14.000 Especially when they're crispy on the outside and you can feel the...
03:34:16.000 You're just jumping all into something. 0.99
03:34:18.000 I go fucking whole hog with butter. 1.00
03:34:21.000 Absolutely. 1.00
03:34:21.000 I just kill that thing with butter, too. 1.00
03:34:23.000 Chocolate souffle? 0.99
03:34:24.000 I talked about that last week.
03:34:25.000 Same thing.
03:34:25.000 You're just making a decision to indulge.
03:34:27.000 Yeah, just party.
03:34:28.000 Go deep.
03:34:29.000 Have you guys ever had caviar?
03:34:31.000 Yeah.
03:34:31.000 Yeah.
03:34:32.000 You like caviar?
03:34:32.000 I was at Rod Stewart's daughter's party.
03:34:36.000 My first weekend online.
03:34:38.000 And I had caviar so much.
03:34:40.000 I couldn't take it away.
03:34:42.000 Battle number five.
03:34:43.000 That they took it away.
03:34:45.000 They took the caviar away from you if you were eating too much?
03:34:47.000 I was eating so much because I'd never had it before.
03:34:49.000 They took it away from you?
03:34:50.000 They actually moved the whole plate of all the seafood and pulled it out of the table.
03:34:54.000 Oh my god.
03:34:55.000 Not Nicole Richie.
03:34:57.000 What's her name?
03:34:57.000 How drunk were you?
03:34:58.000 Kimberly Stewart.
03:34:59.000 Sober.
03:35:00.000 I just never had this caviar.
03:35:01.000 So you were going at it so hard they decided this guy's going to eat it all in a selfish, gluttonous rampage of caviar consumption.
03:35:08.000 My buddy Eddie was like, have you ever had caviar before?
03:35:10.000 And I was like, no.
03:35:11.000 And he was like, dude, you should try it.
03:35:13.000 So I tried it with a cracker.
03:35:15.000 And I was like, dude, you should try it.
03:35:18.000 So I'm in.
03:35:19.000 All in.
03:35:20.000 I was dipping into it like a guacamole.
03:35:22.000 I was murdering it, and they came out and removed the whole plate.
03:35:28.000 It was literally a three-foot plate.
03:35:31.000 They removed it back to the kitchen, and I was like, where did that go?
03:35:35.000 Isn't that funny?
03:35:36.000 Like, they'll put food out, but only if you eat a certain amount of it.
03:35:40.000 They see one person is enjoying it too much, they will move in.
03:35:44.000 Will you pass me another piece of pepperoni, please?
03:35:46.000 Yeah, this whole pizza's killed.
03:35:47.000 This one's done.
03:35:48.000 Oh, for real?
03:35:49.000 Yeah.
03:35:50.000 What was this event that you were at?
03:35:52.000 This is the one with mushrooms.
03:35:53.000 Do you want mushrooms or no mushrooms?
03:35:54.000 Yeah, I'm cool with that.
03:35:54.000 I'm cool with that.
03:35:55.000 I party.
03:35:56.000 What was the event that you were at where they had caviar?
03:36:02.000 I was at ICM at the time.
03:36:04.000 I guess my dad was at ICM. That's hilarious.
03:36:06.000 So they were trying to preserve the food.
03:36:09.000 Are you trying to get me fatter?
03:36:10.000 Are we in a new competition? 0.90
03:36:11.000 He double sliced you, son.
03:36:12.000 He gave you two slices and made a sandwich. 0.99
03:36:15.000 It's a good goddamn pizza though, right? 0.99
03:36:17.000 That's some legit pizza. 0.99
03:36:21.000 Dude, take that to the meeting.
03:36:23.000 Take the double pizza into the meeting.
03:36:24.000 Yeah, no, just take the thought of the double pizza.
03:36:27.000 The fact that you came in silver in the weight loss challenge.
03:36:31.000 Out of gold and silver?
03:36:32.000 That's not bad.
03:36:33.000 It's not bad.
03:36:35.000 Yeah, no big deal, man.
03:36:38.000 Powerful.
03:36:39.000 But a contest between you two guys, like, every few months, I think that's the- It's a fun thing to do.
03:36:44.000 Where it's still fun.
03:36:45.000 We should do it.
03:36:45.000 Still fun.
03:36:47.000 Yeah. 0.96
03:36:47.000 Figure out, uh, silly ideas. 0.96
03:36:49.000 First person, let's win a surf competition. 0.82
03:36:50.000 Like, I can't surf at all.
03:36:52.000 I used to surf when I was a kid, but now I feel like I can because I ice skated yesterday and I killed it.
03:36:56.000 I feel like best case scenario, someone stands for three seconds and then gets a concussion.
03:37:00.000 You know?
03:37:00.000 Like, the best case scenario.
03:37:05.000 Fucking surfing, man. 0.98
03:37:08.000 Surfing is incredible, but I don't know if you guys really want to get into that for competition. 0.99
03:37:13.000 How do you even judge that?
03:37:14.000 No way, man.
03:37:15.000 How do you judge it?
03:37:16.000 Amount of time that you're standing up?
03:37:18.000 How do you judge it?
03:37:19.000 Kelly Slater.
03:37:19.000 You have Kelly Slater judge it?
03:37:21.000 Yeah, we can get him on the podcast.
03:37:23.000 He'll probably judge it.
03:37:25.000 You should have him on the podcast.
03:37:26.000 That'd be fun.
03:37:26.000 Yeah, we've talked about it a few times.
03:37:28.000 What's up, dog? 0.98
03:37:28.000 He texted me some ridiculous video. 0.98
03:37:31.000 Sebastian Inlet. 0.63
03:37:32.000 I know where that's at.
03:37:33.000 You grew up around him.
03:37:34.000 No, I mean, I never even saw him, but apparently a bunch of good surfers would do the Sebastian Inlet, which is not far.
03:37:41.000 Monster Hole.
03:37:42.000 Yeah?
03:37:43.000 Yeah, by the Sebastian Inlet.
03:37:44.000 Yeah, that's a totally different type of human to get on a board and ride it on top of the ocean water.
03:37:50.000 It looks so fucking cool when you see the high-level guys do it and they have the GoPros on it.
03:37:56.000 Have you seen his new surf pool? 0.75
03:37:59.000 No.
03:38:00.000 I put it on my Facebook the other day.
03:38:02.000 It's called... 1.00
03:38:03.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
03:38:04.000 We put it up on here one time. 1.00
03:38:05.000 Did you?
03:38:05.000 Is it the one with the perfect glassy?
03:38:07.000 It's like a lake.
03:38:08.000 It's like the perfect wave.
03:38:09.000 Oh, it's so beautiful.
03:38:11.000 Can you play it real quick?
03:38:11.000 It's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
03:38:13.000 That's strong words.
03:38:14.000 I'm telling you.
03:38:15.000 Well, I don't know.
03:38:16.000 Let me just go into the detail right here.
03:38:19.000 The Water Champ has down five bottles of water and two coconut waters.
03:38:23.000 How deep am I on this?
03:38:25.000 This is insane.
03:38:26.000 Can I actually get another one?
03:38:27.000 Yeah.
03:38:28.000 Really?
03:38:29.000 It's amazing.
03:38:29.000 Oh, you have a child.
03:38:30.000 And I haven't peed.
03:38:31.000 This is amazing.
03:38:33.000 The water champ is just breaking into his sixth bottle of water.
03:38:37.000 Thankful.
03:38:38.000 Look at this.
03:38:38.000 Tell me this doesn't just reek gorgeous to you.
03:38:42.000 Yeah, it's just...
03:38:43.000 Hold on, hold on. 0.99
03:38:44.000 It's an amazing fucking ability that these people have, riding these waves like this. 0.99
03:38:49.000 Like, look at this. 1.00
03:38:50.000 This is incredible.
03:38:52.000 Come on, man.
03:38:53.000 How much fun must that be?
03:38:55.000 Yeah.
03:38:56.000 A thrill, right?
03:38:57.000 Well, he built that pool.
03:38:58.000 That's his pool.
03:38:59.000 That's a pool.
03:39:00.000 That's not the ocean.
03:39:00.000 Oh, really?
03:39:01.000 Yeah.
03:39:01.000 That's what's amazing about this.
03:39:03.000 Oh, my God.
03:39:03.000 So you could learn how to surf on this?
03:39:05.000 Yes.
03:39:06.000 Oh, my God.
03:39:06.000 No sharks.
03:39:07.000 Look at her.
03:39:07.000 That's a pro surfer going, thank you, God.
03:39:10.000 How do you know what she's saying?
03:39:12.000 I know her.
03:39:12.000 She's just laying down.
03:39:13.000 I know.
03:39:13.000 Lakey Peterson.
03:39:14.000 I've interviewed her.
03:39:15.000 You have?
03:39:16.000 Yeah.
03:39:16.000 I know all these people.
03:39:19.000 Is this a pool we're looking at?
03:39:21.000 Yeah, this is a pool.
03:39:22.000 This is a pool?
03:39:23.000 100% it's a pool.
03:39:24.000 Oh my god, where is it?
03:39:26.000 They won't tell you because they're trying to sell it.
03:39:29.000 You can see the hints of the pool.
03:39:31.000 See in the corner?
03:39:31.000 But wait a minute.
03:39:32.000 Oh, is that what that is in the back?
03:39:34.000 Yeah, and there's sides on it.
03:39:35.000 You can see the sides.
03:39:36.000 That's crazy.
03:39:37.000 See, that's a pool.
03:39:38.000 What size pool is this, though, man?
03:39:39.000 It's massive.
03:39:40.000 I want to say, what are you doing?
03:39:41.000 It's like a man-made lake.
03:39:43.000 I wouldn't call it a pool.
03:39:43.000 Where is it?
03:39:45.000 I think it's in Malaysia.
03:39:45.000 And they turn waves on and stuff like that?
03:39:47.000 Yeah, you know the big wave generator pool, like a water park?
03:39:50.000 They just have the biggest, best version of that ever.
03:39:53.000 This is crazy.
03:39:54.000 And this is, you said Malaysia?
03:39:56.000 I don't know.
03:39:57.000 They don't tell you.
03:39:57.000 I think they also are making it so they can sell them wherever someone wants to win.
03:40:01.000 They could take it somewhere.
03:40:06.000 All right, boys.
03:40:08.000 Should we wrap this up?
03:40:09.000 Hey, for real, thank you for hosting it, though.
03:40:11.000 My pleasure, man.
03:40:12.000 It was really fun to be with you.
03:40:14.000 I'm honored.
03:40:15.000 For real.
03:40:16.000 And the weight loss sounds my mouth full.
03:40:17.000 Hold on one second.
03:40:18.000 Yeah.
03:40:18.000 I mean, it really was fun.
03:40:19.000 I'm glad that you, when you were like, I'm going to do the MC The Wayans, it was really a fun time, man.
03:40:24.000 Oh, man.
03:40:25.000 For me, it's even more awesome.
03:40:28.000 You know, I love both you guys.
03:40:29.000 You're both hilarious.
03:40:30.000 And to have you come in and do this in here, it's fun.
03:40:33.000 And I really mean what I said, that what you guys did, whenever someone does something like that, where they just decide to make a contest, and the results of that contest is you could radically improve your life over a short period of time.
03:40:45.000 Radically improve your health.
03:40:47.000 I mean, I can't imagine what it would be like to walk around with 57 less pounds.
03:40:52.000 I mean, it's incredible.
03:40:54.000 How much did you lose total, was it?
03:40:55.000 I guess 51. 51. 51 pounds removed from your body is an incredible accomplishment.
03:41:03.000 Probably like 11 pounds of water at this point.
03:41:05.000 Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
03:41:06.000 It's still incredible.
03:41:07.000 Even if it's only 40, like, actual solid, you know, fat weight.
03:41:11.000 Yeah.
03:41:11.000 It's amazing.
03:41:12.000 You look different, man.
03:41:13.000 You do look different.
03:41:15.000 Thanks, man.
03:41:15.000 I definitely look different, too.
03:41:17.000 You look different.
03:41:18.000 Man, everybody can do this.
03:41:20.000 And there's a lot of reasons why people make excuses.
03:41:23.000 You'll feel so much better.
03:41:25.000 You really will.
03:41:26.000 Yeah, instead of coming up with reasons why you can't do it, try to figure out a way that you can.
03:41:31.000 And it might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but there's got to be a way to improve things.
03:41:36.000 And to always concentrate on the reasons why you can't.
03:41:39.000 You've got to keep winding up in patterns.
03:41:41.000 And sometimes, like a little competition, like you guys did, In fun and fairness and friendship, it's a good thing because it shows people that everybody won out of that. 0.99
03:41:50.000 Even though you had to shave your beard, you still lost 30 fucking pounds, man. 0.95
03:41:55.000 I mean, what happened was awesome. 0.99
03:41:57.000 So it's great for everybody.
03:41:59.000 It's great for me, too.
03:42:00.000 I love seeing people do that. 0.96
03:42:02.000 I love seeing people get their shit together. 0.85
03:42:04.000 This has been a blast. 0.85
03:42:06.000 I'm glad you got involved because I think it stepped it up to the next level and made it more fun for both of us because we started getting it bigger and bigger and bigger.
03:42:14.000 I don't know, man.
03:42:15.000 I'm ready for the next contest.
03:42:17.000 Yeah, I know you are. 1.00
03:42:18.000 You fucking crazy bastard. 1.00
03:42:19.000 That's what Tom and I had discussed before. 1.00
03:42:21.000 I go, you know, it's just you got to deal with Bert's crazy.
03:42:23.000 Yeah.
03:42:24.000 He's got that thing in him.
03:42:25.000 Jiu-Jitsu.
03:42:26.000 I moved to Brazil.
03:42:27.000 I'm moving to a favela.
03:42:28.000 You don't want to go to Brazil.
03:42:29.000 I'm going to a favela.
03:42:30.000 There's plenty of places you can learn. 1.00
03:42:30.000 I'm just talking shit. 1.00
03:42:32.000 There's plenty of places to learn right here in Southern California, luckily. 0.99
03:42:34.000 A lot of, like, super high-level Brazil.
03:42:36.000 Jean-Jacques, hit me up.
03:42:37.000 He just downed it.
03:42:38.000 He downed it again.
03:42:39.000 Oh, my God.
03:42:39.000 This is the sixth bottle of water.
03:42:40.000 I barely finished his vodka.
03:42:42.000 You know Russell Peters has been training with Jean-Jacques?
03:42:45.000 I met that guy.
03:42:46.000 Really?
03:42:46.000 Yeah, Russell Peters.
03:42:47.000 I came with Russell to a show we did together.
03:42:48.000 Sean Jack is the best.
03:42:49.000 You're on that show.
03:42:50.000 He's awesome.
03:42:51.000 I love that guy.
03:42:52.000 All right, folks.
03:42:53.000 That's it. 0.99
03:42:53.000 This bitch is over. 0.99
03:42:54.000 Thanks, guys. 0.98
03:42:55.000 All praise be to Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura.
03:42:58.000 Bert Cast, your mom's house.
03:43:01.000 You can check out Bert's special on Showtime Online, right?
03:43:06.000 Showtime On Demand.
03:43:07.000 Showtime On Demand.
03:43:08.000 Tom Segura, of course, has two Netflix specials out.
03:43:11.000 Next dates that you're doing.
03:43:13.000 I'm in Kansas City, Oxnard, and then a big theater tour.
03:43:18.000 It's all at Tom Segura.
03:43:18.000 You doing that new place in Oxnard?
03:43:20.000 I'm doing that place.
03:43:20.000 I just did it last week.
03:43:21.000 It's great.
03:43:22.000 I heard it's awesome.
03:43:23.000 Yeah, I'm doing the club there.
03:43:24.000 Yeah, me too.
03:43:25.000 I'm doing that place.
03:43:26.000 You're going to love it.
03:43:27.000 Levity Live?
03:43:27.000 Is that what it is or Stand Up Live?
03:43:29.000 Levity Live.
03:43:30.000 Levity Live.
03:43:31.000 Bert Kreischer, where are you at next?
03:43:33.000 I'm in Stress Factory this week.
03:43:35.000 American Comedy Company.
03:43:36.000 Wilbur Theater.
03:43:37.000 Helium Buffalo.
03:43:38.000 See me in January.
03:43:39.000 Alright, you go to their websites for further details.
03:43:42.000 Thanks everybody for tuning in.
03:43:43.000 This was a lot of fun for us.
03:43:45.000 Glad it was a lot of fun for you.
03:43:47.000 And it's 2017. Let's get this shit together, bitches. 1.00
03:43:51.000 Come on. 1.00