The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #9 - Brian Redban (Part 1)

00:00:00.000 Start record.

00:00:01.000 Start broadcast. 1.00

00:00:03.000 Shazam, bitches! 1.00

00:00:05.000 I think it's on. 1.00

00:00:07.000 Are we live?

00:00:10.000 Yeah, it's live. 1.00

00:00:17.000 Hi, fuckers. 1.00

00:00:21.000 We're getting a little better. 0.99

00:00:23.000 3.07 now.

00:00:25.000 That's a little bit better, right?

00:00:28.000 There we go.

00:00:31.000 Zoom, zoom, zoom. 1.00

00:00:32.000 What's happening, fuckers? 1.00

00:00:34.000 Everybody can hear us. 1.00

00:00:36.000 It's all good.

00:00:37.000 Let's leave it sideways like that.

00:00:39.000 We are live!

00:00:40.000 Leave it with a gangsta lean.

00:00:45.000 Hello, everybody.

00:00:47.000 Welcome to the, I don't know, what is it? 0.75

00:00:49.000 The fucking ninth weekly one or something? 0.98

00:00:51.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:00:53.000 We have continued. 1.00

00:00:55.000 Motherfucking saga continues. 1.00

00:00:56.000 Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you drink coffee, okay? 1.00

00:00:59.000 Like a fucking man. 1.00

00:01:01.000 See that shit right there? 1.00

00:01:02.000 That's what's called a French press. 1.00

00:01:03.000 You can get it at Starbucks.

00:01:05.000 Starbucks?

00:01:06.000 Starbucks?

00:01:07.000 For like 20 bucks or something.

00:01:09.000 Or, you know, at Target for like 20 bucks.

00:01:12.000 That's what I was in the middle of saying.

00:01:13.000 Target and Starbucks at the same time. 0.99

00:01:15.000 You just grind up your coffee, you pour it in this motherfucker, you pour the hot water, you push down the plunger, but bam, you got coffee. 1.00

00:01:23.000 Yeah, it's gritty, and it's got like little pieces of stuff in it, but so what, you fucking pussy. 1.00

00:01:29.000 Man up. 1.00

00:01:30.000 Man up and drink your coffee.

00:01:35.000 So how is Australia? 1.00

00:01:36.000 Australia is the shit. 1.00

00:01:38.000 If you've never been to Australia, it's fucking spectacular. 1.00

00:01:41.000 It's beautiful. 1.00

00:01:43.000 The people are cool as fuck. 0.97

00:01:46.000 It's really bizarre, man. 0.99

00:01:48.000 It's way the fuck on the other side of the world. 0.97

00:01:50.000 Like, literally on the other side of the world to where it's a 19-hour time difference. 0.98

00:01:55.000 Between Los Angeles and Australia.

00:01:58.000 What's the weed laws like out there?

00:02:00.000 Is there any?

00:02:01.000 The weed is not very legal there.

00:02:04.000 Yeah.

00:02:04.000 But it's everywhere.

00:02:06.000 Everybody's got weed.

00:02:07.000 Oh, really?

00:02:07.000 Yeah.

00:02:08.000 Yeah, so...

00:02:09.000 Because I got a text from Mayhem right before we left.

00:02:13.000 Because Mayhem got there before us.

00:02:15.000 And he said, Yo, this is the exact test.

00:02:18.000 The exact text. 1.00

00:02:19.000 Yo, customs here is a motherfucker. 1.00

00:02:22.000 Don't bring any weed to Kangaroo Island. 1.00

00:02:24.000 No.

00:02:26.000 Which, if you know mayhem, that's a mayhem quote right there. 1.00

00:02:33.000 So, ladies and gentlemen, a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca. 1.00

00:02:38.000 Did you hear about that shit? 1.00

00:02:38.000 No. 1.00

00:02:39.000 You didn't hear about that?

00:02:40.000 A killer whale killed a trainer at SeaWorld.

00:02:43.000 Wow.

00:02:44.000 And what's amazing to me is how they haven't been killing people up to this point.

00:02:50.000 Could you imagine if whales...

00:02:52.000 Killer whales are supposed to be super intelligent.

00:02:54.000 I mean, they're like as intelligent as humans.

00:02:56.000 They're cousins of dolphins. 0.99

00:02:58.000 And we put them in a fucking fish tank and make them do tricks for mackerels, you know? 1.00

00:03:04.000 Can you imagine what kind of hell that life is? 1.00

00:03:06.000 And this whale had killed a homeless man that snuck into the fucking tank in 1991. And he had also, or it might be a she, I'm not sure. 0.99

00:03:17.000 He or she had also, I think it's a he, had also almost drowned a trainer.

00:03:23.000 Remember that video where the killer whale was playing with the person, dunking him under?

00:03:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:03:30.000 Same whale?

00:03:30.000 Same whale.

00:03:31.000 Wow.

00:03:31.000 Same whale.

00:03:32.000 Yeah, so, I mean, it's not like the warning fucking signs weren't there. 0.99

00:03:36.000 It's like, you know, you hear Mike Tyson punch somebody. 0.99

00:03:39.000 Are you going to be shocked?

00:03:41.000 What happens?

00:03:42.000 Like, how did he die?

00:03:43.000 Did he...

00:03:43.000 Oh, it's a woman that died.

00:03:45.000 He grabbed her by the waist and just fucking ripped her up. 1.00

00:03:49.000 In the middle of a live show? 1.00

00:03:50.000 Yep, the beginning of a live show.

00:03:51.000 What's the YouTube videos?

00:03:51.000 Is it out?

00:03:53.000 That's a good question. 0.99

00:03:54.000 I bet they confiscated everybody's cameras and shit as they were leaving. 1.00

00:03:57.000 Yeah, but you know, the SD cards are so small, you'd think you'd learn to shove it up your ass or something like that. 0.99

00:04:02.000 This guy, if he was there for sure, there would be a video of it. 0.99

00:04:06.000 One fucking thousand percent. 0.99

00:04:08.000 Yeah, as soon as I heard, we need everybody's cameras, SD card up ass. 1.00

00:04:13.000 Save two. 0.92

00:04:14.000 You would have uploaded to YouTube already.

00:04:17.000 Yeah, that would have already been Bluetooth to Ustream. 0.98

00:04:19.000 Yeah, there's no fucking way. 0.80

00:04:21.000 I mean, could you imagine what that must have looked like? 0.99

00:04:26.000 You're there, and all of a sudden the killer, he grabbed her about the waist and just started smashing her back and forth, just ragdolling her.

00:04:34.000 He just had enough.

00:04:35.000 He just said, that's it. 1.00

00:04:37.000 That's it, motherfuckers. 1.00

00:04:40.000 It's really incredible that we think it's cool to do that. 1.00

00:04:43.000 And then we go and watch them. 0.97

00:04:45.000 It's really like, zoos bum me the fuck out. 1.00

00:04:47.000 we went to a zoo in Australia while we were there and there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage because I don't think that crocodile gives a fuck where it is I I think crocodiles are so dumb. 1.00

00:05:01.000 I mean, their minds seem so dead. 0.99

00:05:04.000 They just lay there with their eyes closed underwater for like hours at a time, but they don't have to breathe.

00:05:10.000 They don't have to breathe for like an hour.

00:05:11.000 So they just lay underwater and just do nothing.

00:05:15.000 And just sit there.

00:05:16.000 They don't run around and play. 1.00

00:05:18.000 When you pass the monkey cage at a zoo, that shit's depressing. 0.99

00:05:21.000 Because they don't want to be there. 1.00

00:05:23.000 When I was in Denver, there's a zoo in Denver, and the monkey got in his fucking cage and was howling. 0.99

00:05:29.000 This horrible howl. 0.99

00:05:31.000 And it wasn't a big cage.

00:05:33.000 This monkey was screaming out like a tortured soul.

00:05:36.000 It was like a man in prison.

00:05:38.000 You know, let me out of here! 0.72

00:05:40.000 The monkey was just, what?

00:05:42.000 Just screaming at the top of his lungs.

00:05:44.000 And I was like, you know, this is not good.

00:05:46.000 Like, this is not cool to do to them.

00:05:48.000 For what?

00:05:49.000 So people can stare at him? 0.99

00:05:50.000 I mean, that shit might have flown in the 1930s, you know, back when there was no zoos. 0.99

00:05:56.000 Or back when there was no videos. 0.99

00:05:58.000 But we have videos now, man.

00:05:59.000 You don't have to put them in a zoo.

00:06:02.000 But that's the only time we would ever be able to see most of those animals.

00:06:06.000 That's the only thing that makes me go, well, I see that reason for a zoo because I'm not going to Africa and hunting down a white tiger.

00:06:13.000 Right, but is it worth it for them to struggle just so you could stare at them?

00:06:17.000 Yeah, but you don't know.

00:06:19.000 It could also be like, dude, wait, I don't have to hunt my food.

00:06:21.000 There's just a steak here every morning when I wake up.

00:06:23.000 I could sleep.

00:06:25.000 No, no. 1.00

00:06:26.000 For tigers, that shit is orgasmic. 1.00

00:06:29.000 To chase down an animal, chase it, move it. 1.00

00:06:32.000 You ever see a cat, like if you roll a ball or a string in front of them, they can't help themselves, man.

00:06:36.000 You should know that.

00:06:37.000 You have cats.

00:06:38.000 Right.

00:06:39.000 Cats can't help it. 1.00

00:06:40.000 They live for chasing shit. 1.00

00:06:42.000 It's just like, you know, a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck. 1.00

00:06:46.000 Right. 1.00

00:06:46.000 You know, it's really the same thing, man. 1.00

00:06:48.000 Nature rewards them for being a good predator.

00:06:51.000 And I think... 0.99

00:06:52.000 The same way food tastes good for us and sex feels good for us, they love to kill, man. 0.92

00:06:58.000 Nature rewards them with some crazy rush of energy and endorphins when they kill something. 1.00

00:07:05.000 So you give them a cold plate of meat, just push an aluminum tray under the fucking cage, that's not the same, man. 0.99

00:07:12.000 That's not fun. 0.99

00:07:14.000 Guaranteed.

00:07:15.000 But that doesn't... 0.99

00:07:18.000 The killing thing bothers me, but what really bothers me is the fucking amount of room that they have to move around. 0.99

00:07:25.000 The kangaroo cage was bad, man. 1.00

00:07:28.000 The kangaroo cage was fucked up. 0.98

00:07:30.000 Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo, though? 0.99

00:07:32.000 That's a whole...

00:07:33.000 I mean, I was there, I was like, man, I would like to be an animal in this cage.

00:07:37.000 Oh no, we went down. 0.97

00:07:39.000 There's a serious fucking delay between what we're seeing and what we're seeing. 0.98

00:07:44.000 Is that it? 0.98

00:07:44.000 We got it. 0.98

00:07:45.000 Okay. 1.00

00:07:47.000 Yeah, San Diego is the shit. 1.00

00:07:49.000 The way they have it is nice. 1.00

00:07:50.000 They have a big, giant-ass place. 0.99

00:07:52.000 That makes sense, but that's fucking expensive. 0.99

00:07:55.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:07:56.000 You know?

00:07:56.000 But that's how it should be.

00:07:58.000 Places like the LA Zoo just shouldn't exist.

00:08:00.000 Yeah.

00:08:00.000 Because that's just wrong.

00:08:01.000 You go to the LA Zoo, that's just depressing as fuck. 0.98

00:08:04.000 But there is zoos, like the Columbus Zoo, where I'm from, is one of the biggest zoos. 0.98

00:08:07.000 Jack Hanna's from it.

00:08:08.000 And it's nice.

00:08:09.000 They may have just acres and acres and acres of land.

00:08:12.000 And they...

00:08:13.000 I don't know if they maybe throw out some goats once in a while for the tigers or something.

00:08:17.000 No, they don't do that.

00:08:17.000 And they just don't talk about it.

00:08:18.000 You don't think?

00:08:19.000 No, they don't do that.

00:08:20.000 They don't ever do that.

00:08:21.000 They do that in Iraq.

00:08:22.000 There's a video in Iraq of...

00:08:24.000 They let a donkey loose.

00:08:25.000 And this is how they do it every day.

00:08:27.000 And the donkey's just walking around eating. 1.00

00:08:29.000 And they open up the gate and these tigers come running out of the gate and just bitch slap that donkey to the ground and fucking jack them. 1.00

00:08:35.000 It's really kind of wild to see. 1.00

00:08:38.000 And it's really shocking.

00:08:39.000 These G.I.s filmed it when they were in Iraq at the zoo.

00:08:42.000 It's shocking to see, but that's really the way they're supposed to eat.

00:08:46.000 That's how you should do it.

00:08:48.000 If you're gonna feed animals, you're gonna have wild animals, you should have them eat what they normally eat, man. 0.99

00:08:53.000 I mean, like, what's with this feeding fucking snakes frozen mice? 0.99

00:08:57.000 Give them a fucking mouse, you know? 1.00

00:08:59.000 I mean, that's what they're supposed to do. 1.00

00:09:00.000 We're trying to, like, enforce our own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters, you know? 0.99

00:09:08.000 I mean, like, look, a snake is a monster, dude, you know? 1.00

00:09:12.000 Tigers, that's a monster. 0.92

00:09:13.000 Those are all monsters.

00:09:15.000 They're natural monsters.

00:09:16.000 There's a whole natural cycle of things.

00:09:18.000 And to take them out of that, there was a kangaroo cage.

00:09:22.000 That was the most depressing thing.

00:09:24.000 Because those kangaroos are just sitting there. 1.00

00:09:26.000 They didn't do shit. 1.00

00:09:27.000 They just laid down. 1.00

00:09:28.000 Human beings, though, could be considered monsters.

00:09:30.000 So, like, if you put somebody in prison that's a mass murderer, we're doing the same thing, you know? 0.96

00:09:35.000 We should let that mass murderer go out on his way and just murder a shitload of people, you know? 1.00

00:09:40.000 What kind of dumbass logic is that? 1.00

00:09:43.000 If you're saying a tiger is a tiger or whatever, a snake should kill its own prey and we should do it what... 1.00

00:09:50.000 No, we're feeding them killed prey. 0.99

00:09:53.000 We kill it first. 1.00

00:09:54.000 That's what's the most ridiculous thing. 1.00

00:09:56.000 We kill what they eat first so that it's not as brutal for us. 0.99

00:10:00.000 Somehow or another. 0.99

00:10:01.000 Someone else kills it, you buy it killed, then you feed it to them. 1.00

00:10:04.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:10:05.000 That's not a mass murderer, dude. 1.00

00:10:06.000 Mass murderers are just fucked in the head. 0.99

00:10:08.000 They're not killing for food as part of a natural cycle. 1.00

00:10:11.000 They're just nuts.

00:10:13.000 When you get a nutty person, the problem is human consciousness is so more complex, supposedly, than animal consciousness because we have the ability to alter our environment. 0.97

00:10:22.000 So you can't have...

00:10:23.000 Someone whose consciousness is haywire.

00:10:26.000 When you have serial killers, mass murderers, what you have is someone whose consciousness has just gone off the tracks and into the woods and you have just chaos.

00:10:36.000 And if a society is aware of itself, it has to realize that there's certain issues that are going to come up when you have crazy people running around killing your family and your friends. 1.00

00:10:45.000 So you've got to kill them. 0.95

00:10:46.000 What you're supposed to do with someone like a mass murder, if you're absolutely convinced, That's the problem, really. 1.00

00:10:51.000 The problem is the court system. 0.99

00:10:53.000 The court system is so fucking corrupt, and so many times DAs and prosecutors are just trying to get a guilty verdict, and they don't give a fuck if someone is guilty or not. 0.99

00:11:04.000 There's many, many, many instances where cops have framed guys that were innocent. 0.99

00:11:08.000 People have gone to jail for years.

00:11:09.000 It turns out through DNA evidence, they were framed.

00:11:12.000 I mean, that's happened many, many, many... 0.99

00:11:13.000 That's the real fucking problem. 1.00

00:11:14.000 But if we could be absolutely sure that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer or a rapist or Anyone with no remorse who hurt other people and could hurt someone that you care, you gotta kill them. 1.00

00:11:25.000 Why keep them around? 1.00

00:11:26.000 There's too many fucking people. 1.00

00:11:28.000 I mean, look, it's not like they're not gonna die eventually anyway. 1.00

00:11:31.000 It's not like if you don't kill them, they're gonna fucking cure cancer and live forever. 0.99

00:11:35.000 No, they're not gonna do anything. 1.00

00:11:37.000 A mass murderer is not gonna contribute to society.

00:11:39.000 They're just not.

00:11:41.000 Nothing good is gonna come out of that.

00:11:44.000 They should just line them up and like, oh, you need a new liver. 1.00

00:11:47.000 Bam! 0.99

00:11:47.000 You're on death row. 0.99

00:11:49.000 There should be no time period and they're going to electrocute you. 1.00

00:11:53.000 They should just shoot you, take all the parts that they can use. 0.99

00:11:55.000 They can use your corneas or your livers and stuff like that. 1.00

00:11:58.000 Yeah, but that's an interesting topic because there was a thread on the message board on my website where people were talking about organs having a memory.

00:12:07.000 And all these people who...

00:12:12.000 all of a sudden they knew things they couldn't have possibly known.

00:12:14.000 They had dreams of people they don't even know.

00:12:16.000 Yeah.

00:12:17.000 You know, stuff like that.

00:12:17.000 Yeah.

00:12:18.000 I mean, I've heard of many things like that where people all of a sudden had cravings for certain types of foods and they had no idea that the person...

00:12:23.000 I mean, this is not just one instance.

00:12:25.000 And see, the thing is about memory...

00:12:28.000 We don't know where memory is stored exactly.

00:12:31.000 They know an incredible amount more than the average person about the way the human body works.

00:12:37.000 Much more than people knew a hundred years ago.

00:12:40.000 Much more than even a decade ago.

00:12:43.000 But they don't know everything.

00:12:44.000 There's a lot of questions, man.

00:12:46.000 First of all, with the human body, your cells regenerate every seven to ten years.

00:12:50.000 I think it's seven years. 0.98

00:12:52.000 So, literally every cell in your body We don't fucking 0.98

00:13:22.000 know. 0.78

00:13:24.000 The other idea is that the memories are stored in the neurons.

00:13:26.000 Well, if that's the case, because the neurons are the only thing that stay.

00:13:29.000 The neurons you get or the neurons you get forever.

00:13:33.000 You don't get new ones.

00:13:35.000 They don't regenerate every seven years.

00:13:36.000 But the heart is filled with neurons.

00:13:39.000 It's like one of the biggest clusters of neurons in the body.

00:13:43.000 It's right up there with the brain.

00:13:44.000 And I think people who have had heart transplants, I don't think it's that preposterous that they would have memories.

00:13:50.000 I don't think it's that preposterous at all.

00:13:52.000 I think it is.

00:13:54.000 I think that these people that say that they're having dream stuff, they probably would have had that same exact dream with or without it.

00:13:59.000 Why would you say that, Brian?

00:14:00.000 They're talking about things they couldn't possibly have known about.

00:14:03.000 Have you ever had dreams of strangers?

00:14:06.000 This little girl gave up the exact identity and location of the man who murdered the girl who gave her the heart.

00:14:15.000 Do you know that story?

00:14:16.000 No, but it sounds very far-fetched.

00:14:18.000 It sounds far-fetched, but it doesn't mean it's not true.

00:14:20.000 There's some things that I read like that, that it's kind of like, to me, it's seeing UFOs.

00:14:25.000 It's either somebody that wants attention, that's just dumb, and they're going, no, I had my arm transplant, and now I'm...

00:14:32.000 Having all these dreams of people, I don't know. 0.93

00:14:35.000 Okay, that's possible, but it's also possible that it's real.

00:14:40.000 And that's the problem with skepticism.

00:14:42.000 With skepticism, when it comes to something that we don't understand, that's the problem.

00:14:45.000 You run the possibility of excluding something because it seems irrational.

00:14:51.000 But the reality is, we don't have enough information to decide what's rational and what's irrational. 0.98

00:14:56.000 Just the idea that you have memories at all is fucking nuts. 0.78

00:15:00.000 How about the idea that you can change people's memories? 0.95

00:15:03.000 They say that especially right after something shocking, if you start talking to someone and introducing new ideas to them, they'll re-remember the whole situation.

00:15:15.000 They'll change the whole way they remember things.

00:15:18.000 Have you ever thought of something in some way and then you go back and you watch the video and you're like, God damn, it wasn't like that at all.

00:15:24.000 I don't trust my memory that much.

00:15:27.000 I trust some things.

00:15:29.000 There's some things that I know that are recorded in there forever for real and no doubt about it.

00:15:34.000 There's some things because I've made sure that I've kept that memory like I've had some Pretty intense experiences where I made sure, like, I am going to make sure that I record this one. 0.93

00:15:44.000 But other ones are a fucking blur, man, you know?

00:15:47.000 There's a lot of them that are blurry. 0.99

00:15:49.000 You know, you look back on your high school years, like, Jesus Christ.

00:15:53.000 It's like slideshows, and I barely remember any of it.

00:15:57.000 Do you remember?

00:15:58.000 It's getting worse and worse.

00:15:59.000 I'm actually pretty good with a lot of weird memories, but then the other day I was trying to think of somebody that I actually hung out with for three years when I was a kid.

00:16:08.000 And don't remember his face at all.

00:16:11.000 My sisters are like, you don't remember him?

00:16:13.000 We hung out all the time.

00:16:14.000 I remember him, but I don't have any idea what he looks like.

00:16:18.000 Yeah, I've had that happen to me before, for sure. 0.97

00:16:20.000 That's fucking weird. 0.95

00:16:21.000 It is weird. 0.99

00:16:22.000 It's so weird. 0.99

00:16:23.000 I wonder where all that shit goes. 1.00

00:16:25.000 Up in smoke. 1.00

00:16:26.000 Why is it that someone can pull it back, though?

00:16:29.000 Like someone will say something and they'll go, YES! And then all of a sudden, boom, the memory blossoms in your mind.

00:16:35.000 What is that?

00:16:36.000 Is it like you're giving CPR to the memories?

00:16:38.000 It's like they're almost dead?

00:16:40.000 Yeah, it's like a branch of the tree was hit.

00:16:44.000 A nerve of that memory was hit and it woke up that section of memory or whatever.

00:16:51.000 Yeah, something along those lines.

00:16:52.000 What is that? 0.99

00:16:54.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

00:16:55.000 What happened? 1.00

00:16:58.000 Oh, dude, you got a spider on your face.

00:17:00.000 Look. 1.00

00:17:01.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:17:03.000 That's a daddy long leg. 1.00

00:17:05.000 How the fuck did that get on me? 1.00

00:17:09.000 Your house is a beer factory. 1.00

00:17:13.000 Oh, I'm not on OB and Anthony this week.

00:17:19.000 It's not this week.

00:17:20.000 They made a mistake.

00:17:21.000 I'm there March 26th, not February 26th.

00:17:24.000 It's the Friday before the UFC next month.

00:17:28.000 I'm in Dallas this weekend.

00:17:30.000 I'm not in New York this weekend.

00:17:32.000 So, I'm going to be at the Addison Improv this weekend.

00:17:37.000 Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my man Joey Diaz.

00:17:42.000 Brian will be there as well.

00:17:44.000 If we get Brian drunk, we might have to talk him into going on stage.

00:17:49.000 Brian is actually a funny comedian.

00:17:51.000 He's done stand-up a couple of times.

00:17:53.000 He did it in Atlanta.

00:17:55.000 He did it...

00:17:55.000 Where else did you do it?

00:17:57.000 He did it a couple of places.

00:17:58.000 You know, I was going to try to go up on stage before this weekend just in case if I get too drunk and put me on stage.

00:18:04.000 But it really hurts me to go back and spend three hours of my life for five minutes in front of two people.

00:18:13.000 The open mic nights, it is a grind.

00:18:16.000 People ask me questions all the time.

00:18:18.000 Like, hey, I'm thinking about doing comedy.

00:18:19.000 What's the best advice?

00:18:21.000 I'm like, man, you've got to be willing to put your whole life aside.

00:18:23.000 You've got to be willing to...

00:18:25.000 You've got to be willing to, especially if you have a job during the day, you have a job during the day, man.

00:18:29.000 Your nighttime, you now, that's your social life.

00:18:32.000 It's going to be stand-up comedy.

00:18:34.000 You're going to be going to clubs and you're going to be performing and you have to do it all the time.

00:18:38.000 If you don't do it all the time, you're going to forget all your material.

00:18:41.000 Whatever comfort you gain on stage will be eroded very quickly. 0.97

00:18:46.000 You know, it's a goddamn long-ass grind, man. 0.96

00:18:49.000 Yeah, I think if I was younger, I would totally be into it, but it's really hard to be an adult and waste that much time. 0.99

00:18:54.000 It is.

00:18:54.000 It is hard.

00:18:55.000 You know, I did it, I started out doing stand-up when I was 21. That's when I did it, right after my 21st birthday.

00:19:03.000 And I had shit going on back then, man. 0.98

00:19:06.000 I mean, I was doing things. 0.99

00:19:08.000 I had a life, sort of.

00:19:11.000 But it wasn't like I had a family or a mortgage or no obligations.

00:19:19.000 Yeah, I had no internet back then.

00:19:20.000 I had no obligations.

00:19:21.000 So it wasn't...

00:19:23.000 It's hard when you have a girlfriend and you have a life and you have a wife and you have children and you have a mortgage. 1.00

00:19:30.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:19:31.000 You know, when I talk to dudes that are like 40 and they're thinking about doing comedy, I'm like, you know, okay. 1.00

00:19:36.000 That's like saying I'm thinking about getting into brain surgery, man.

00:19:39.000 What do you think about brain surgery?

00:19:40.000 Not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery.

00:19:42.000 Right.

00:19:43.000 Because first of all, it's not as...

00:19:45.000 It's not as difficult to remember all the things you need to remember with brain surgery, but it is just as difficult in a way because there's no real path. 0.99

00:19:55.000 I mean, you can suck as a comedian. 0.99

00:19:57.000 You can't suck as a brain surgeon. 1.00

00:19:59.000 You're fucking going to jail. 1.00

00:20:00.000 So it's obviously a lot more discipline involved in brain surgery because you have to do it correctly, but... 0.99

00:20:05.000 Both are equally difficult to actually fucking do and put. 0.56

00:20:10.000 Anything in this life is difficult if you're going to really do it. 0.74

00:20:15.000 I mean, just think about if you started tomorrow and you wanted to be a computer programmer. 0.99

00:20:19.000 You don't know shit about computers. 0.90

00:20:21.000 You're starting from scratch, and you want to be a computer programmer. 1.00

00:20:25.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:20:26.000 Imagine the fucking work that's involved in that. 1.00

00:20:29.000 A lot of reading, though. 0.99

00:20:30.000 It's a lot of reading.

00:20:31.000 Nowadays, I could pretty much teach myself some programming by just looking at videos online.

00:20:37.000 You know how to type.

00:20:38.000 You know about computers. 1.00

00:20:40.000 You know a lot of shit about computers. 1.00

00:20:41.000 You know a lot of shit about code. 1.00

00:20:44.000 To a person that has no experience whatsoever and decides I want to take on a new career. 0.99

00:20:49.000 I want to be a computer programmer.

00:20:50.000 I want to code for video games. 0.99

00:20:52.000 Good fucking luck, man. 0.97

00:20:55.000 How about I want to create video game engines? 0.99

00:20:57.000 I don't know where.

00:20:58.000 I want to be the next John Carmack. 1.00

00:21:00.000 You're fucked, man. 1.00

00:21:01.000 You're fucked. 1.00

00:21:02.000 That shit will take forever. 1.00

00:21:04.000 Anything that's worth doing takes fucking forever to get good at. 1.00

00:21:09.000 And comedy is no different. 0.97

00:21:11.000 Music is no different. 0.97

00:21:12.000 I often look at people playing piano or playing guitar or something like that and I go, how cool would that be to be able to just fucking jam on the guitar? 0.81

00:21:19.000 I would guess. 0.99

00:21:20.000 But god damn, that's a lot of fucking time. 1.00

00:21:22.000 I've tried to learn that though. 0.99

00:21:24.000 It's a coordination thing for me though.

00:21:27.000 That's something I think you're just born with being able to understand, being able to coordinate each finger a certain way.

00:21:33.000 Well, it's also cultivation.

00:21:35.000 It's also if you do things like with your fingers like that early on in life, you know, it becomes much easier as you get older. 0.99

00:21:42.000 They say that the army now is using, they're using Xbox controllers for their drones because these fucking kids are so good. 0.97

00:21:51.000 So used to it. 0.99

00:21:51.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:21:52.000 And they're encouraging people to play video games.

00:21:54.000 I mean, it's just a matter of time before they start recording. 0.99

00:21:56.000 Recruiting the baddest motherfuckers in video games. 0.99

00:22:00.000 Yeah, they probably already do. 0.98

00:22:01.000 If you could play war games with a keyboard and a mouse, there's these dudes that play Quake professionally. 0.97

00:22:10.000 Those motherfuckers can move that mouse cursor and put it on an object instantaneously. 1.00

00:22:16.000 You know, they know exactly where that cursor is going. 1.00

00:22:19.000 They play so much that when they move that mouse, the mouse and a keyboard is way more accurate than that joystick thing.

00:22:25.000 The joystick thing is kind of difficult to manipulate the toggles and exactly where the crosshair goes.

00:22:31.000 But if you have a mouse, you can put a mouse.

00:22:34.000 If you understand how quick...

00:22:36.000 You know, it all depends on, you know, everybody likes the difference.

00:22:40.000 Some people like high sensitivity, some people like low sensitivity.

00:22:42.000 But the bottom line is, once you get used to whatever it is, you move the mouse, the cursor goes in certain directions, they can put it, like, exactly where they want to instantly.

00:22:53.000 So it's not like when you're in a helicopter and you see the insurgents, you gotta, like, Move the crosshairs and get them in line.

00:22:59.000 We have them in line.

00:23:00.000 No, it's bang! 0.98

00:23:01.000 I mean, they could do it so fucking quick. 0.99

00:23:03.000 I mean, that would be some crazy shit if you could have drones and have that guy Fatality. 0.99

00:23:07.000 You know who Fatality is? 0.99

00:23:08.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:23:09.000 He's like the baddest motherfucking Quake player ever. 0.99

00:23:11.000 This dude is just ridiculously accurate with his mind. 0.98

00:23:14.000 And a cool guy, too.

00:23:14.000 I met him.

00:23:15.000 Very nice guy. 1.00

00:23:16.000 But if you've got that guy playing for your army and you had drones with missiles in it from that fucking guy, holy shit. 1.00

00:23:23.000 You know? 1.00

00:23:24.000 Yeah.

00:23:24.000 That's the future, man.

00:23:25.000 Welcome to the new world.

00:23:27.000 It's pretty crazy how video games have exploded from something that used to be like little ping pongs.

00:23:34.000 Now people have amazing video games on their phones.

00:23:38.000 Yeah, it's incredible, man.

00:23:39.000 Just look at what you can do with your iPhone. 0.97

00:23:41.000 Playing all these different racing games and shit. 0.93

00:23:44.000 We're working on the new UFC fight game. 1.00

00:23:48.000 Fuck, it's amazing, man. 1.00

00:23:50.000 When you watch some of the graphics and shit, they dive for knee bars, they get triangles, they throw head kicks and punches, flying knees and shit. 1.00

00:23:58.000 You see all this crazy shit, all these different techniques they can do, just like in real fighting. 0.98

00:24:03.000 It's so close to being like a video, like an actual UFC fight that you can manipulate. 0.97

00:24:11.000 The limit is in the controller, I think. 0.99

00:24:14.000 What eventually is going to happen is you're going to have a goddamn suit on. 1.00

00:24:17.000 You're going to have a fucking suit on. 1.00

00:24:19.000 Or you're just going to have this little wire plugged in on your forehead and you're just going to think. 0.99

00:24:22.000 That could happen, but Microsoft is very close to developing that whole system where you interact with the game.

00:24:28.000 What's it called?

00:24:28.000 Natal.

00:24:29.000 It comes out, like, I think November, or it might have got pushed back.

00:24:32.000 Spell it?

00:24:32.000 N-A-T-A-L. Natal.

00:24:35.000 And it's pretty much just like a camera or something that sits on top of your TV and then...

00:24:39.000 It reads your motions.

00:24:40.000 It reads your motions. 0.96

00:24:40.000 Yeah, that's incredible because that's going to be fucking cool. 0.96

00:24:43.000 Imagine having like a UFC game where you could learn how to fight without actually fighting.

00:24:48.000 My problem with that whole thing is, I think maybe if I was a kid I would have loved it. 0.99

00:24:53.000 But when I'm playing a video game, I don't want to have to be doing this shit. 0.99

00:24:57.000 Well you say that. 0.99

00:24:58.000 No, because I'm doing it with Wii right now.

00:25:00.000 Nintendo Wii.

00:25:01.000 Yeah, but Wii is whack.

00:25:02.000 It's this little thing and you're playing ping pong and it sort of moves the way you want it to.

00:25:06.000 I did a Wii card game once, and I was like, this is not specific at all.

00:25:10.000 It's not rewarding.

00:25:11.000 Yeah, but it's something about having to, like, get up.

00:25:13.000 Like, I want to just... 1.00

00:25:14.000 Oh, you're a lazy fuck. 1.00

00:25:14.000 That's what you're trying to say. 1.00

00:25:15.000 Well, yeah, if I was a kid, it might have been better.

00:25:17.000 But, like, nowadays, I want to play a video game, and I just want to sit there and smoke weed.

00:25:21.000 But that's dependent on the graphics. 1.00

00:25:23.000 What if the graphics were, like, 3D... Fucking super dope virtual reality type shit and you had a virtual gun and you're running down a hallway shooting at all kinds of shit. 0.99

00:25:34.000 Like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun. 1.00

00:25:36.000 Come on, man. 1.00

00:25:37.000 That would be the shit. 1.00

00:25:38.000 And the actual running that you take place, like maybe that would be the shit if you had a fucking warehouse. 1.00

00:25:44.000 Like a virtual reality warehouse. 0.99

00:25:46.000 Like you enter into the door, you put on this helmet, and it's just a flat-ass warehouse.

00:25:51.000 Like laser tag.

00:25:51.000 Yeah.

00:25:52.000 But complete 3D virtual reality, you know.

00:25:56.000 Yeah.

00:25:56.000 And if you get close to the walls, like a little light goes on, you are getting close to the wall.

00:26:01.000 That would be cool.

00:26:02.000 Please turn right, you know?

00:26:03.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:04.000 Come on, man. 0.99

00:26:05.000 I've just gotten to a point where this Nintendo Wii shit just drives me crazy. 0.99

00:26:09.000 The Wii is boring, man. 0.99

00:26:11.000 The Wii is like playing pool, but there's no pool cue.

00:26:14.000 You're just going like...

00:26:16.000 And there's no feedback.

00:26:18.000 You need feedback, man.

00:26:19.000 Like, I want to click a button and see a gun go off.

00:26:23.000 You know, I want to click the mouse button and see the rocket, you know, take off.

00:26:26.000 Right. 0.99

00:26:26.000 This whole moving an arm through the air, that's fucking weak. 0.99

00:26:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:26:31.000 That's stupid. 1.00

00:26:32.000 There's a... 1.00

00:26:32.000 I forget what it was. 1.00

00:26:33.000 They just said the other day that in the future that they're going to use, like, Google Maps and, like, Street View of Google Maps and you're going to be playing video games of, like, your street.

00:26:42.000 That's nuts.

00:26:42.000 You're going around in your house and...

00:26:44.000 That's nuts.

00:26:45.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

00:26:45.000 You should be able to find out if someone is playing like fucking Doom on your street and blowing up your house. 0.99

00:26:51.000 Right. 0.98

00:26:51.000 You should be like, yeah. 0.98

00:26:53.000 Hey, just want you to know.

00:26:54.000 They should like send you an email.

00:26:56.000 It should be like The Sims where it's like your house is the house in the video game.

00:26:59.000 And so like if you try to break into your house, they're trying to break into your house.

00:27:03.000 Never mind.

00:27:04.000 Like everyone should have their own house in the video game.

00:27:06.000 Yeah, that would be kind of cool.

00:27:08.000 That would be cool, right?

00:27:08.000 But then you would know where everybody lives.

00:27:11.000 Unless you killed them. 0.99

00:27:13.000 You killed them in a video game, then they don't have access to you? 0.97

00:27:15.000 Well, for like 24 hours or something like that, and you could run away.

00:27:18.000 I'm kind of shocked that virtual reality kind of hit like a...

00:27:21.000 The technology never really developed the way I thought it was going to. 0.97

00:27:25.000 Like, you know, you heard about that shit like way back in the 80s, and I thought, wow. 0.96

00:27:29.000 Like, there was movies based on that. 0.99

00:27:30.000 And I was like, I thought, like, wow.

00:27:31.000 Remember like, well, sort of...

00:27:35.000 I don't remember what movie. 0.90

00:27:36.000 Remember Total Recall where they fucking make you dream, right? 0.98

00:27:40.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:41.000 That shit's coming. 1.00

00:27:42.000 It's a Total Recall. 1.00

00:27:43.000 What was the one with the chick with the red hair in... 1.00

00:27:47.000 They've already been able to take images and implant them in people's minds.

00:27:53.000 And they've been able to read images from people's minds.

00:27:57.000 Like read what you're thinking about. 0.96

00:27:58.000 Like you can look at something and the computer, like there's some sort of sensors that they hook up to your brain and then it sends the image to a computer and it can tell what you're fucking looking at. 0.99

00:28:09.000 Like, that's nuts, man. 0.98

00:28:11.000 Because eventually, I mean, this is in very rudimentary stages of technology where they can only pick out shapes and shit. 0.99

00:28:16.000 But eventually, they're going to be able to fucking see what you're seeing. 0.98

00:28:19.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:28:20.000 That's nuts.

00:28:20.000 Fifth element.

00:28:21.000 Is that what it was?

00:28:22.000 Yeah, the chick with the red hair. 0.99

00:28:24.000 Is that the Bruce Willis movie?

00:28:26.000 Yeah, and it had memories.

00:28:27.000 That movie was dope. 0.99

00:28:28.000 They plugged memories in your head.

00:28:30.000 How badass was Chris Tucker in that movie?

00:28:32.000 Remember he was that crazy alien?

00:28:34.000 Remember Lawnmower Man?

00:28:36.000 That was a good movie too. 0.97

00:28:38.000 It was another nutty movie about a retard that went crazy, right? 1.00

00:28:40.000 Right. 1.00

00:28:40.000 Put a computer in his brain or something. 1.00

00:28:43.000 Another Stephen King book.

00:28:45.000 Stephen King.

00:28:46.000 Oh no, it was Strange Days.

00:28:48.000 Was it? 0.99

00:28:49.000 Strange Days was another virtual reality something crazy ass. 0.97

00:28:53.000 I think it was Strange Days. 0.88

00:28:54.000 That was an awesome movie.

00:28:56.000 Strange Days.

00:28:57.000 This guy right here just said it.

00:28:58.000 I can't wait for Strange Days to become true.

00:29:00.000 That's what it was.

00:29:01.000 It was Strange Days.

00:29:01.000 Was it?

00:29:01.000 Yeah.

00:29:02.000 That was the one.

00:29:03.000 Angela Bassett, right?

00:29:05.000 Yeah.

00:29:05.000 She will forever be Tina Turner.

00:29:07.000 Sorry.

00:29:07.000 You're not allowed to do any other movies.

00:29:09.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:29:11.000 You're Tina Turner. 1.00

00:29:13.000 Um...

00:29:14.000 What was I going to say? 1.00

00:29:15.000 Oh, this fucking Miss Beverly Hills. 1.00

00:29:17.000 Did you hear about this? 1.00

00:29:18.000 Yeah. 0.80

00:29:18.000 Another one of these beauty pageant chicks came out saying that she doesn't believe that gays should be married. 0.80

00:29:25.000 And she quoted Leviticus in the Old Testament saying that the Bible says that... 1.00

00:29:30.000 It's some stupid quote. 1.00

00:29:32.000 Like, any man who lays down with a man as if the same way he lays down with a woman is an abomination and should be put to death. 1.00

00:29:39.000 So she came out and said that gays should be put to death. 1.00

00:29:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:45.000 She's supporting the Old Testament. 0.97

00:29:47.000 Which, by the way, whatever you fucking want to believe about religion, that's all well and good. 0.97

00:29:52.000 Who knows if God is real? 0.98

00:29:55.000 Who knows? 0.92

00:29:56.000 It could be that the Bible was completely ridiculous because God wants things confusing. 0.86

00:30:02.000 Who knows?! 0.97

00:30:04.000 But it gets to a certain point where you read certain things and you gotta go, alright, people are full of shit. 1.00

00:30:09.000 And there was no internet back then. 0.98

00:30:11.000 It's not like, you know, there was a copy of the Bible on Wikipedia and people kept altering it.

00:30:16.000 But everybody was like, no, that's not what it says.

00:30:18.000 And they went back and changed it. 0.97

00:30:19.000 You know, they didn't, the Old Testament, they didn't even write that fucking thing down for like a thousand years. 0.98

00:30:25.000 It was just stories. 0.91

00:30:27.000 You know, and the idea that those stories, you can't tell, I can't tell a story to him And he tells it to his girlfriend and his girlfriend writes it in her blog and it's the same story. 0.99

00:30:37.000 It'll be fucked up for sure.

00:30:38.000 I can't tell you how many times someone has gone to one of my gigs and I've said something and then a guy will quote on Twitter Like, oh, dude, that was so funny last night when you said this about that. 0.99

00:30:51.000 I'm like, damn, I didn't say that. 0.99

00:30:52.000 You're saying something fucked up. 0.99

00:30:54.000 What I said was a lot nicer. 0.99

00:30:55.000 But when you realize that memories are so fucking... 0.81

00:31:00.000 There's no way you could be that accurate over a thousand years with people talking about it. 0.80

00:31:05.000 And then on top of it, the original Old Testament Bible was written in ancient Hebrew.

00:31:11.000 And to this day, they only know three out of four words in ancient Hebrew.

00:31:15.000 Twenty-five percent of the words, they don't have a clue as to what they mean.

00:31:17.000 Not only that, letters and numbers were the same thing back then.

00:31:21.000 There were no numbers.

00:31:23.000 So the letter A was also the number one.

00:31:26.000 So there was like numerical value in words.

00:31:29.000 Like the word love and the word God, they have the same numerical value in ancient Hebrew. 0.99

00:31:34.000 But as soon as they translated that to Latin and to Greek, that shit was all gone. 1.00

00:31:39.000 That shit was all lost. 1.00

00:31:41.000 So, for this dumb bitch to sit and think that God wants people to put to death that they're gay, Miss Beverly Hills. 1.00

00:31:51.000 This is a new one. 1.00

00:31:53.000 New Miss California.

00:31:53.000 And California's supposed to be so liberal.

00:31:55.000 It ain't Miss Texas. 0.60

00:31:56.000 Do you know who Carrie Ann Panshee is?

00:31:59.000 Or whatever her name is. 0.89

00:31:59.000 She's from Celebrity Rehab. 0.89

00:32:01.000 Panish.

00:32:02.000 She was the one that had the threesome with the guy from Grey's Anatomy. 0.95

00:32:05.000 Anyways, on this show, Celebrity Rehab, you just want to strangle her. 1.00

00:32:10.000 I think it's almost with these pageant people, because I know a couple of these girls that do the pageants and stuff like that. 1.00

00:32:15.000 They're fucked up in their head. 0.99

00:32:16.000 They've been doing it all their life. 1.00

00:32:18.000 These little kids are grown up.

00:32:19.000 Do you remember last time, not last time I went to Dallas, but the time before when there was that little girl...

00:32:24.000 Right.

00:32:25.000 At the hotel we were staying in.

00:32:26.000 Yes. 1.00

00:32:27.000 You remember that shit? 1.00

00:32:27.000 Yeah, that was scary as fuck. 1.00

00:32:28.000 That was the weirdest fucking thing ever. 1.00

00:32:31.000 We're hanging out at the hotel and there's all these little girls, I mean little, like six, right? 0.99

00:32:36.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:32:36.000 Six years old with high heels and makeup on with their hair done and jewelry and dresses.

00:32:44.000 And you're like, what the fuck is going on here? 1.00

00:32:48.000 That shit is an abomination. 1.00

00:32:51.000 Alright? 1.00

00:32:51.000 That is a fucking... 1.00

00:32:53.000 That is a travesty. 1.00

00:32:55.000 I feel like I was doing something wrong in the elevator.

00:32:57.000 Because I was in the elevator with two of them.

00:32:59.000 And I looked at her and I'm like, oh my god.

00:33:01.000 You don't want to look at her. 0.98

00:33:03.000 It's like if they were naked fingering themselves in front of you. 0.98

00:33:07.000 Something's not right there. 1.00

00:33:09.000 Sometimes my daughter will play with her pussy. 1.00

00:33:11.000 I don't want to say this. 1.00

00:33:12.000 It's just true.

00:33:13.000 I mean, you would too if you had one.

00:33:15.000 But the other day, she was lying there and she had her little feet up in the air.

00:33:19.000 She's rocking back and forth and she has just two hands.

00:33:22.000 She just grabs it, you know?

00:33:24.000 And I don't know what to say.

00:33:26.000 Like, what do you say to that?

00:33:27.000 You go, don't do that.

00:33:28.000 You can't tell her not to do that.

00:33:29.000 You know, you don't want to suppress her and get her crazy.

00:33:32.000 Yeah, but you also don't want her to be like in kindergarten going, Hey, everybody!

00:33:36.000 They all do it anyway, dude.

00:33:37.000 I got news for you.

00:33:38.000 They all do it. 0.99

00:33:39.000 Don't you remember doing weird shit with kids when you were little? 0.99

00:33:41.000 Dude, I played doctor. 0.98

00:33:42.000 Me and my friend played doctor with all the girls in our neighborhood.

00:33:45.000 And I remember the only time I remember the most, we had three girls lined up. 0.99

00:33:50.000 And we were like, okay, we're going to be putting pencils in your vaginas to take off your pants. 1.00

00:33:55.000 And so we took off other pants and we just went back to each one. 0.99

00:33:58.000 Then we'd pull it out and smell it.

00:34:00.000 Oh, dude. 1.00

00:34:02.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:34:02.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:34:03.000 But we were all like five. 1.00

00:34:04.000 You could give those girls lead poise now. 1.00

00:34:06.000 I know. 0.99

00:34:07.000 They might be retarded now because of you. 1.00

00:34:09.000 They're all on my Facebook too, so hopefully they're not watching going, I'm fine.

00:34:13.000 You should ask them all questions.

00:34:16.000 Does anybody remember anything about pencils?

00:34:18.000 Do you remember me putting a pencil in your car?

00:34:20.000 But this beauty pageant thing that we saw at the hotel, it was dark.

00:34:25.000 I mean, it was really dark. 1.00

00:34:27.000 Because there was all these weirdo fucking religious people with their kids dressed like whores. 1.00

00:34:33.000 It made no fucking sense. 1.00

00:34:35.000 I mean, no sense. 0.99

00:34:36.000 Because we were there on a Sunday, and they were talking about church.

00:34:40.000 There was all this church talk. 1.00

00:34:41.000 You got your girl dressed as a fucking prostitute. 1.00

00:34:45.000 There's a six year old dressed as a prostitute and you're talking about church. 1.00

00:34:48.000 They had high heels shoes on. 0.88

00:34:50.000 I mean like this high. 0.99

00:34:51.000 Which the only reason why shoes have heels like that is so that women's legs look longer so that guys think about them when they're pushing these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you. 1.00

00:35:02.000 That's what that's for. 0.99

00:35:04.000 That long leg thing, what do you think that's there for? 0.82

00:35:09.000 You're sacrificing how you can walk.

00:35:12.000 How about that? 1.00

00:35:13.000 Just so that men want to fuck you more than we already do, which is... 1.00

00:35:17.000 Wait, wait, wait. 1.00

00:35:18.000 You have sex with a girl that has her shoes on, like high heels? 1.00

00:35:21.000 Have you ever gotten that? 0.99

00:35:22.000 No.

00:35:23.000 What is up with that, though? 0.96

00:35:24.000 That's just porno stuff. 1.00

00:35:26.000 That's ridiculous. 0.99

00:35:26.000 I mean, I'm sure somewhere in my life, you know, someone's not, you know, taking everything off. 0.99

00:35:32.000 It's possible that someone would like that.

00:35:35.000 But the whole...

00:35:35.000 I don't like them in the first place.

00:35:37.000 I hate them. 1.00

00:35:37.000 I think they're ugly. 1.00

00:35:38.000 It seems to me like you're doing something stupid. 1.00

00:35:41.000 Right. 1.00

00:35:41.000 You know, I don't want to be... 1.00

00:35:42.000 Like, you're getting tricked.

00:35:44.000 And you don't need to do it for me.

00:35:45.000 Like, you know, my wife always wants to wear... 0.70

00:35:47.000 These high heels when she leaves the house.

00:35:49.000 Okay, if you want to do that, that's all good.

00:35:51.000 But to me, it seems like you can't walk.

00:35:53.000 Right.

00:35:53.000 I'd rather you wear tennis shoes.

00:35:55.000 But women love them, man. 0.99

00:35:57.000 They love shoes.

00:35:58.000 They love how they look.

00:36:00.000 It's like how dudes love cars.

00:36:01.000 You know how you see a 69 Mustang or something like that, and you go, whoa! 1.00

00:36:07.000 And you pull up to a dude, look at that motherfucker. 1.00

00:36:10.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:36:10.000 There's something that men have. 1.00

00:36:12.000 Women can go, wow, that's a pretty car, but it's not the same as how a dude looks at a car. 1.00

00:36:17.000 Well, for girls, the shoe thing is just, they really fucking love shoes, man. 0.98

00:36:22.000 They like makeup and shoes. 0.98

00:36:24.000 It looks like they're the opposite sides of the body because they're so ashamed of the middle. 0.99

00:36:28.000 It's like it bleeds. 0.93

00:36:29.000 It's gross.

00:36:29.000 Don't look at it.

00:36:30.000 Look at my knee.

00:36:31.000 Look it up here.

00:36:32.000 My eyes are huge.

00:36:33.000 Look at my lashes.

00:36:35.000 They're unnaturally long.

00:36:37.000 Yeah, right?

00:36:38.000 It's probably something like that.

00:36:39.000 My legs are so long.

00:36:40.000 They're amazing.

00:36:42.000 Look how long my legs are.

00:36:44.000 And where do they go to?

00:36:45.000 Don't look up there.

00:36:47.000 Don't look at my naughty. 0.71

00:36:48.000 Well, the, the, the, you know, I mean, That's one thing if you're a woman. 1.00

00:36:53.000 You know, if you're a grown woman, that's what you like. 0.99

00:36:54.000 And, you know, what the fuck ever. 1.00

00:36:56.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:36:56.000 You want to go pierce your balls? 1.00

00:36:57.000 Go do it. 1.00

00:36:58.000 Who gives a shit? 1.00

00:36:59.000 But for little kids, that's not cool, man. 1.00

00:37:02.000 To have a six-year-old dressed like a hooker? 1.00

00:37:04.000 No, no. 1.00

00:37:04.000 It's disturbing. 1.00

00:37:06.000 It is disturbing.

00:37:07.000 It felt very wrong.

00:37:08.000 You know, and...

00:37:10.000 You know, like that whole JonBenet Ramsey case? 1.00

00:37:12.000 Man, that shit disturbed the fuck out of me. 0.99

00:37:14.000 Still don't know the end of that case yet. 1.00

00:37:15.000 They don't know.

00:37:16.000 We're gonna find out.

00:37:17.000 The dad's still alive, I believe.

00:37:19.000 The mom's dead.

00:37:19.000 I thought they all died.

00:37:20.000 Maybe the dad's dead too.

00:37:21.000 It's possible.

00:37:22.000 Anybody know?

00:37:22.000 Twitterverse?

00:37:23.000 Yeah, Twitterverse says not cool, and I agree.

00:37:27.000 You know?

00:37:28.000 High heels are just as much an establishment as a male's tie is. 1.00

00:37:33.000 Both are silly. 0.99

00:37:34.000 That's true. 0.99

00:37:35.000 That's true.

00:37:36.000 Ron Scheiser. 1.00

00:37:38.000 Goddamn, this Twitter shit goes too fast. 1.00

00:37:40.000 Ron Heiser. 1.00

00:37:42.000 Yeah, you're absolutely right. 0.97

00:37:44.000 I think ties are completely ridiculous.

00:37:46.000 I haven't worn a tie in a long... 0.71

00:37:49.000 I did a documentary recently on DMT. I had to wear a tie because I played like a Rod Sterling type narrator.

00:37:58.000 It's a really interesting documentary on DMT. It'll be out sometime this spring.

00:38:01.000 But I had to wear a tie. 0.99

00:38:03.000 I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing. 0.99

00:38:04.000 I had no idea. 0.99

00:38:05.000 The last time I wore a tie was my first album.

00:38:10.000 Grab that thing off the wall real quick. 0.52

00:38:11.000 My first album in 1999. You know, just as a goof.

00:38:16.000 One of the things I always said that I love about being a comedian is that you don't have to wear a fucking tie. 0.98

00:38:21.000 And so, just my first CD, for whatever reason, I just thought it would be funny if I wore a tie. 0.98

00:38:28.000 I don't know.

00:38:28.000 It doesn't make any sense.

00:38:29.000 It just looks strange.

00:38:31.000 I had to wear a tie for like 10 years.

00:38:33.000 Every day. 1.00

00:38:34.000 Suck. 1.00

00:38:35.000 Yeah, if you want to work in business, man, it's like there's an agreement. 0.99

00:38:40.000 Everyone has to know that you are willing to wear something completely ridiculous because you're following by the very obvious rules of behavior.

00:38:51.000 It's going to be really easy to predict behavior.

00:38:52.000 What you're doing.

00:38:53.000 That's what people like.

00:38:54.000 Like, I'm a gentleman.

00:38:56.000 As a gentleman, well, I feel this.

00:38:58.000 I'm a gentleman.

00:38:59.000 We've got its tie on.

00:39:00.000 Hello, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

00:39:02.000 It's like there's this agreement that you're not going to get too crazy.

00:39:07.000 It's like my Dr. Phil impression.

00:39:09.000 Bottom of my shoes are shiny.

00:39:11.000 They are very slippery.

00:39:12.000 I'm not chasing after anybody.

00:39:14.000 There's something to that. 0.97

00:39:15.000 There's something to this silly outfit that you wear that's uncomfortable. 0.96

00:39:19.000 Like, if people started doing business and they had, like, rash guards on, like lycra rash guards on, like they're ready to go do jiu-jitsu and shit, you know? 0.96

00:39:26.000 Like, why would that be bad?

00:39:28.000 But it is bad, you know?

00:39:30.000 You can't have, like, board shorts and...

00:39:32.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

00:39:33.000 Running shoes on, and you look like you're ready to fucking pounce on people. 0.99

00:39:37.000 Nobody wants that in business. 0.99

00:39:39.000 When you go to business, you have to be dressed uncomfortable.

00:39:41.000 Your button has to be all the way up here. 1.00

00:39:44.000 It's fucking ridiculous. 0.99

00:39:46.000 And I hate it. 1.00

00:39:49.000 I remember I used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather, and this was when I was big into acid and stuff like that.

00:39:56.000 So every time I would come to work, I was either hungover, still tripping on acid, or something like that.

00:40:02.000 It was such a boring job that it was acceptable, because all I had to do was make copies of architect plans and stuff like that. 0.98

00:40:09.000 Do you think you fucked up your brain on acid? 0.99

00:40:11.000 Do you think you ever fucked up your brain on it? 0.99

00:40:15.000 No. 0.99

00:40:16.000 No?

00:40:16.000 I think when I was doing it, I was definitely...

00:40:19.000 Was there any point...

00:40:20.000 You ever heard Howard Stern talk about his acid trip?

00:40:23.000 No.

00:40:24.000 Howard Stern talked about it on the radio, and I guess he did a giant dose of acid, like way too much. 0.98

00:40:30.000 And he was like all fucked up for like a long time. 0.96

00:40:35.000 Like he was hearing voices and it was just like a real psychotic episode. 0.90

00:40:39.000 And, you know, that's a really, that's a thing about psychedelics. 0.99

00:40:44.000 You got to make sure you don't fuck around and do too much. 0.82

00:40:47.000 Like Dennis McKenna had an experience like that too. 0.98

00:40:50.000 Dennis McKenna, who's Terrence McKenna's brother, they're both famous psychonauts, psychedelic pioneers in the 70s.

00:40:57.000 They went to Brazil and he took like way too much mushrooms and he lost his mind for like two weeks.

00:41:04.000 He couldn't communicate with people. 0.96

00:41:06.000 And the last time I did DMT, I was fucking whacked out for like two solid weeks. 0.97

00:41:13.000 You wouldn't guess if you were talking to me. 0.98

00:41:16.000 I was totally normal.

00:41:17.000 I did shows.

00:41:18.000 The shows went great.

00:41:19.000 I went to work.

00:41:20.000 I did Fear Factor.

00:41:21.000 That went great. 0.96

00:41:22.000 You know, nothing got fucked up in my life, but my head was like... 0.89

00:41:27.000 I felt very... 0.77

00:41:29.000 You know how you feel like your consciousness is like in a foundation?

00:41:31.000 Your consciousness is like, you know, like...

00:41:33.000 It's like, boom.

00:41:35.000 It's solid.

00:41:35.000 This is me.

00:41:36.000 Good morning.

00:41:36.000 You wake up in the morning.

00:41:37.000 Hi, honey.

00:41:38.000 You kiss your girlfriend, brush your teeth. 1.00

00:41:39.000 This is fucking solid. 1.00

00:41:41.000 When I did the DMT, my consciousness was like a little tiny raft in a fucked up ocean. 0.99

00:41:47.000 I kept having these ideas that cars... 0.95

00:41:52.000 We're going to come launching themselves over the boundaries and hit my car while I was driving.

00:41:58.000 And I'm like, why am I thinking this?

00:42:00.000 I'm like, what is this about?

00:42:01.000 And then I realized that what it was was this idea of worrying about possible disasters was my ego's way of regaining ground and letting me know that it has to have a certain amount of real estate in reality and that If you want to do crazy,

00:42:19.000 crazy psychedelics and go into other dimensions and communicate with entities and reevaluate your whole position in the world and humankind's position with each other, that's all well and good. 0.95

00:42:32.000 But there's some real shit in the world that the ego has to be there for. 0.98

00:42:36.000 And the ego was like sending me a message. 1.00

00:42:37.000 Um, dude, what if a fucking car launched itself out? 1.00

00:42:40.000 You better be fucking paying attention. 0.99

00:42:42.000 Like there was a certain amount of where it was such a mind-blowing experience. 0.99

00:42:47.000 That there was a wrestling match going on in my head between my ego and between this new information and accepting all this new information from the psychedelic trip and incorporating it into the way I look at everyday life.

00:43:00.000 You think about someone who's like a real shaman.

00:43:04.000 They're living in the jungle and they're all at peace in the world.

00:43:07.000 They're not calling people douchebags on the internet.

00:43:08.000 There's a certain amount of enlightenment that if you achieve it, It's going to make it very hard for you to function in the regular world.

00:43:17.000 And I think that's one of the most important things about psychedelic trips.

00:43:20.000 There's a lot of cripples in the psychedelic world and in the weed world too. 1.00

00:43:24.000 There's a lot of people that they're so into these experiences That they can't incorporate it into their everyday life.

00:43:33.000 And they're almost crippled in their everyday life because of it.

00:43:36.000 And no psychedelic experience is worth anything unless you can take what you've learned from it and enhance regular life.

00:43:44.000 Enhance your communication with people, your relationships with people, enhance the way you look at the world, enhance your career path.

00:43:51.000 You know, the kind of friends you hang around with.

00:43:53.000 Unless it can enhance you.

00:43:54.000 The reality is, we live in this world for 8 hours a day or 12 hours a day or however long you're awake. 0.99

00:44:00.000 This world, this shit, this concrete world is real. 0.99

00:44:04.000 And you have to manage your way through this. 1.00

00:44:08.000 Psychedelic drugs make it very difficult to do that if you want to have a regular job.

00:44:11.000 I think the main thing with psychedelics is it opens up a door.

00:44:15.000 In the past, I've been offered DMT, but I won't do it because when I first did mushrooms, that opened up to a door of things I never thought of or saw before, and it's never going to go away.

00:44:26.000 It didn't damage my head, but now that I know that exists, I know it's there.

00:44:29.000 And so when acid did the same thing, but there's a point where I have to go, okay, is this door, does this door need to be open?

00:44:36.000 Is this anything positive with this door being open?

00:44:39.000 And some drugs are like that for me because like salvia was the closest to the point where I was like, okay, that is a scary door that I opened up because that just pretty much made everything seem fake.

00:44:49.000 Like, it was like, this world is fake, everything's fake.

00:44:53.000 And I know that's not true, but it opened up that door where I'm like, okay, that's almost too much of a door.

00:44:58.000 I shouldn't have opened up that door.

00:45:00.000 I'm never going to be able to get back that thought of not knowing that was there.

00:45:04.000 I think that's pretty, we're pretty much saying the same thing.

00:45:07.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.83

00:45:07.000 If you can't bring it back and incorporate it into your everyday life, and sometimes you open up these doors, you're like, what the fuck am I going to do with this? 0.83

00:45:15.000 And then your everyday life is just whacked out. 0.98

00:45:17.000 Some people like going back to that fake world so much, though, and that's where it gets fucking scary. 0.80

00:45:22.000 Well, you know what?

00:45:22.000 I think most of those people, their real world is not so hot.

00:45:25.000 Right.

00:45:26.000 And that's one of the reasons why it becomes an escape.

00:45:29.000 I don't think it should be an escape.

00:45:31.000 I don't think you should ever escape reality.

00:45:33.000 You're here.

00:45:34.000 This is life. 0.98

00:45:36.000 Life can be a magical, fucking intense, fantastic experience if you manage it correctly. 0.99

00:45:43.000 But if you just want to escape all the time, I've got to think that you're probably fucking up in this life. 0.97

00:45:49.000 And that's imbalanced, you know? 0.98

00:45:50.000 The people that always want to go.

00:45:52.000 It's like the same thing with video games.

00:45:55.000 Remember I told you about this dude?

00:45:56.000 There was this dude who used to be a manager at the Comedy Store that was addicted to EverQuest.

00:46:00.000 Just completely addicted.

00:46:02.000 8, 10, 12 hours a day.

00:46:04.000 Lost everything.

00:46:05.000 Lost his job.

00:46:06.000 Lost his life.

00:46:07.000 He just was so pale.

00:46:09.000 You would see him.

00:46:09.000 He was so pale.

00:46:11.000 Looked like he never saw sunlight. 1.00

00:46:12.000 Like he would order in food and never leave the fucking house for days. 0.99

00:46:15.000 And he came down to the Comedy Store one night and he goes, it's so weird. 0.99

00:46:19.000 I'm so good at making money in my online life and so bad in my real life. 0.98

00:46:25.000 He was starting to realize that he's a fucking loser in this life because he's He's excited and puts all of his passion and energy into this other life. 0.98

00:46:36.000 But that's just really because this other life is a new and exciting thing. 0.99

00:46:41.000 You know, a new and artificial thing and he can control it from his computer without dealing with emotions and dealing with all the, you know, the fears and anxieties that the real world presents.

00:46:49.000 But the reality is, if we live life in a computer screen and we were offered the real world as a video game, the real world would be so much more fantastic. 0.61

00:47:00.000 You know, we just don't think of it as being fantastic because we're so goddamn used to it.

00:47:04.000 You know, if we lived life in a computer, in a computer monitor, and that's how you were when you were born, and then one day someone said, you know, hey, we've developed this new game that allows you to go outside.

00:47:14.000 And you go outside and you actually get laid.

00:47:16.000 And you can go and have a real drink.

00:47:18.000 And you feel it.

00:47:19.000 You do a real shot of Jack Daniels. 0.99

00:47:21.000 You go, holy shit, this is real. 0.99

00:47:22.000 I can't believe it. 1.00

00:47:23.000 You know, you go get laid for real. 0.77

00:47:25.000 And you drive a car for real. 1.00

00:47:27.000 You'd be like, dude, the real world is the fucking shit. 1.00

00:47:31.000 You would never want to play video games. 1.00

00:47:32.000 The reason why we want to play video games is because it's a world that we can control completely independent from all the pros and cons of this solid world. 0.68

00:47:44.000 Completely independent of the emotions and the insecurities and all the shit that we all experience but we don't like.

00:47:50.000 But the reason why we experience insecurities and anxiety and anger, these are all like little chemical signals to guide you towards a proper life.

00:48:00.000 Like what I found in life, most importantly more than anything, is that the way that I'm the most happiest is if I'm putting out positive energy.

00:48:08.000 I'm putting out positive energy to people, to friends, Positive energy on stage, positive energy with my writing, my work, with anything I'm doing, it's all friendly and positive and happy. 0.86

00:48:18.000 And if you do that, you know, you can have a fucking fantastic life.

00:48:22.000 The problem is, it's just difficult to do. 1.00

00:48:24.000 It's hard to keep your shit together. 1.00

00:48:26.000 It's hard not to lose your temper. 1.00

00:48:27.000 It's hard Not to, you know, be obsessed with something and get sidetracked. 1.00

00:48:32.000 And that's what, like, gambling addictions and masturbation addictions and all that shit. 0.99

00:48:36.000 That's what that's all about. 1.00

00:48:37.000 It's like you're trying to distract yourselves from all the pain of being a human, you know? 0.97

00:48:43.000 I mean, I think fucking Hunter S. Thompson had a quote like that. 0.99

00:48:47.000 Like, man making himself a beast to get away from the pain of being a man. 0.98

00:48:53.000 I forget exactly what the quote was.

00:48:55.000 Something along those lines. 0.99

00:48:57.000 We distract the shit out of ourselves because the game of life is fucking hard to do, man. 0.99

00:49:02.000 Just like a video game is hard to do. 0.98

00:49:04.000 You remember back when I used to play Quake all the time?

00:49:07.000 I played Quake hours and hours a day.

00:49:09.000 And you and I played Quake online.

00:49:11.000 We played against each other.

00:49:12.000 And you can tell the difference between someone who's playing all the time because you get really good at it.

00:49:17.000 You know where the rockets are going to go. 0.99

00:49:19.000 I was sticking rail guns up your ass and electric to you. 1.00

00:49:22.000 Yeah, I think you won 120 games and I won one. 1.00

00:49:26.000 Yeah, it's totally not fair. 0.99

00:49:28.000 And believe me, there's dudes online that would do that to me, just rape me. 0.98

00:49:31.000 Why? 1.00

00:49:32.000 Because they had put so much time into this fucking crazy game, they would get good at it. 0.98

00:49:36.000 But since you hadn't put time, how frustrating was it? 0.98

00:49:39.000 So you didn't want to play, right?

00:49:41.000 You wanted to shut it off.

00:49:42.000 That's exactly the same as life. 1.00

00:49:44.000 If you get good at life of the game, then it's fun as fuck. 0.98

00:49:48.000 It's awesome. 1.00

00:49:49.000 If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, life must be the shit. 0.99

00:49:52.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:49:53.000 He's starring in movies, driving a Ferrari, banging supermodels.

00:49:57.000 What? 1.00

00:49:58.000 He's got a gigantic fucking mansion. 1.00

00:50:01.000 I mean, he's a movie. 1.00

00:50:02.000 It must be so fun for him.

00:50:04.000 But not everybody can be Leonardo DiCaprio. 1.00

00:50:06.000 So if you're the fucking garbage man who came home and his wife is fucking the newspaper guy, that's not a fun life. 0.99

00:50:15.000 That's just like a guy who's not good at Quake getting murdered in a game. 1.00

00:50:19.000 It's not fun, man.

00:50:20.000 It's like playing pool.

00:50:21.000 If you're good...

00:50:22.000 I play pool.

00:50:23.000 I love pool.

00:50:24.000 I get obsessed with it.

00:50:25.000 But I have a friend, my friend Max Eberle.

00:50:27.000 He's a professional.

00:50:28.000 And he's a top professional.

00:50:31.000 I mean, he's capable of winning, when he's in stroke, capable of winning any tournament in the world. 0.98

00:50:35.000 I mean, he's really fucking good. 0.93

00:50:36.000 And when I play against him, sometimes it's so frustrating. 0.98

00:50:40.000 And I play pretty good.

00:50:41.000 Like, for a regular person, I play good. 0.95

00:50:44.000 But for, like, a pro, not even fucking close. 0.99

00:50:47.000 So when I play max, it's just getting my ass handed to me. 1.00

00:50:50.000 It's just getting fucked up. 0.99

00:50:52.000 The only time it's fun is when we play on a really, really tight table, so occasionally he misses. 0.99

00:50:57.000 And then I'm like, oh, I get to shoot.

00:50:59.000 So he's much better at that game.

00:51:02.000 You should give him a handicap of some sort. 1.00

00:51:04.000 No, we don't play for anything.

00:51:06.000 And it's good for me.

00:51:07.000 It's good for me because you get used to playing against a guy like that.

00:51:10.000 It's not as fun as playing against a guy who's like your speed.

00:51:12.000 But it's really good for your game because it makes sure that you capitalize on every mistake.

00:51:17.000 Sometimes you'll play a guy who's not as good as you and you're like, I don't worry about this because if I miss, this guy's going to miss and I'll have another shot. 0.98

00:51:24.000 But with Max, every time you miss, you're like, fuck, I better sit down for a while. 0.94

00:51:30.000 Anyway, I believe that... 0.98

00:51:33.000 The Hunter S. quote is actually from Samuel Johnson, an English author.

00:51:36.000 Thank you very much, sir.

00:51:37.000 I thought it was a Hunter Thompson quote.

00:51:39.000 Thank you.

00:51:41.000 C.J. McElhinney.

00:51:44.000 McElhinney.

00:51:45.000 It's...

00:51:46.000 How...

00:51:46.000 What about names like Schwarzenegger?

00:51:49.000 How the fuck did that ever get through? 0.99

00:51:51.000 What culture ran out of sounds so they had to string together something nutty like that? 0.99

00:51:57.000 People that like to write in cursive.

00:51:59.000 This is going to be the best cursive writing I've ever seen.

00:52:03.000 Right, right, right.

00:52:04.000 Like manuscripts.

00:52:05.000 They used to write it on pages.

00:52:07.000 They didn't have lines in the paper.

00:52:08.000 They just had paper.

00:52:09.000 And they would write it exactly.

00:52:11.000 Have you ever heard of the Voynich Manuscript?

00:52:15.000 The Voynich manuscript, I don't know if I'm saying it right, is this ancient manuscript that was found...

00:52:21.000 It's hundreds of years old. 0.96

00:52:23.000 And they have no fucking idea what it says. 0.99

00:52:26.000 They don't know the language. 0.99

00:52:27.000 They don't know anything about it. 0.86

00:52:28.000 They don't know if it's just nonsense.

00:52:30.000 If some guy was just practicing scribble.

00:52:32.000 But it's really long.

00:52:34.000 And there's consistency in how it's written.

00:52:37.000 But they can't decode it.

00:52:38.000 They've had top encryption experts.

00:52:40.000 And it's very divided.

00:52:42.000 Some people believe it's a hoax. 0.98

00:52:44.000 And some people believe that it's some fucking lost language. 0.94

00:52:46.000 And some people think that it's glossolalia. 0.97

00:52:49.000 Like when someone talks in tongues. 0.99

00:52:51.000 And that they just went into a fucking trance. 1.00

00:52:54.000 It's probably just some retard with a pen. 1.00

00:52:55.000 No, because it's got really good writing. 0.74

00:52:57.000 It's got diagrams in it and really good illustrations and diagrams in it.

00:53:03.000 That's weird.

00:53:03.000 Yeah, it's really complicated.

00:53:05.000 They found that temple in Turkey.

00:53:09.000 That is 7,000 years older than the pyramids. 0.99

00:53:12.000 A very complex stone temple carved out of stone and shit. 0.99

00:53:15.000 And now they have to rewrite human history. 0.99

00:53:18.000 Because 7,000 years before Egypt is 9,000, 10,000 BC. And 10,000 BC, they already had temples and were worshipping shit. 0.99

00:53:27.000 That throws a monkey wrench into the whole gears of the idea of cultural evolution. 0.97

00:53:35.000 And there's been this guy, John Anthony West...

00:53:38.000 John Anthony West, look that up on Google because this guy is fascinating.

00:53:42.000 He's got an awesome DVD series called Magical Egypt.

00:53:45.000 And this guy is obsessed with Egypt.

00:53:47.000 He spent his entire life studying Egypt.

00:53:49.000 And he believes that the Egyptian culture goes back way, way, way before the established timelines.

00:53:57.000 Like the established timelines for Egyptian culture is like 2500 BC. That's when they think the pyramids were built, and that the culture goes back a little bit before that, but not much.

00:54:05.000 And he thinks it goes back like 35,000 years.

00:54:08.000 He thinks that people have been around way, way longer, and that there was some big break somewhere along the line, like probably some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster, like a meteor impact or something like that.

00:54:20.000 You know, and it could be, you know, 10,000, 15,000 years ago. 0.63

00:54:23.000 Like, they don't know when it was, but they think that there was, like, an advanced culture, and then boom, it got fucked up, and then culture rebuilds, and society rebuilds, and then what's left is, like, they're living in this shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago, and they tried to imitate it and recreate it, and they can't. 0.93

00:54:39.000 And he believes that that's what it is. 0.98

00:54:41.000 Like these fucked up pyramids that they have in Egypt. 0.88

00:54:44.000 It's not that these pyramids were like the first pyramids. 0.99

00:54:47.000 He thinks much, much more likely these pyramids were probably like people were trying to duplicate other shit. 0.99

00:54:54.000 Duplicate shit that was already there. 0.99

00:54:56.000 You know, they believe that... 0.99

00:54:57.000 Actually, that's not his theory.

00:54:58.000 That's someone else's theory.

00:54:59.000 His theory is...

00:55:00.000 One of the things is about the Sphinx.

00:55:02.000 They brought in geologists...

00:55:04.000 And the geologists have, like, documented the erosion of the Sphinx, and they say that it's water erosion.

00:55:09.000 Like, thousands of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures in the whole enclosure where the Sphinx is.

00:55:14.000 And the problem with that is, the last time there was rainfall in the Nile Valley was like 7,000, 9,000 B.C. So that would mean that the pyramids, or the Sphinx rather, would have to be like 7,000 years older than the established timeline.

00:55:30.000 And so, of course, none of the Egyptologists like the guys have been teaching forever that the pyramids and the Sphinx and all that was built about 2500 BC. They never want, they don't want to accept it.

00:55:40.000 They go, well, where's the evidence for this culture?

00:55:42.000 Like, it's right there, man. 0.99

00:55:43.000 There's fucking rainfall for thousands of years have created this. 0.99

00:55:46.000 And geologists are universal about that. 1.00

00:55:49.000 There's no one who's disputing that.

00:55:51.000 The geologists are all saying he's got hundreds.

00:55:53.000 This guy, Ron Schock, who's a professor at Boston University, has got over a hundred professional professors and geologists to sign off on the fact that this is undoubtedly water erosion, which completely changes the timeline for when the Sphinx was built. 0.98

00:56:12.000 And there's a bunch of that shit going on in Egypt.

00:56:15.000 They believe that it's like probably, you know, maybe even 30,000 years old. 0.99

00:56:20.000 There's a mass extinction took place on the earth Somewhere around 10,000 years ago.

00:56:27.000 And that's when the woolly mammoths died instantaneously.

00:56:32.000 That's when the saber-toothed tigers died.

00:56:34.000 Noah's Ark?

00:56:35.000 No, that's before that.

00:56:36.000 But 10,000 years ago, North America, half of North America was under a mile-high sheet of ice.

00:56:45.000 There was an ice age going on.

00:56:46.000 And something killed it and ended it, like, instantaneously.

00:56:49.000 And they don't know what it was. 0.99

00:56:51.000 And it's very, very likely that it was a fucking natural disaster. 0.99

00:56:54.000 It's very likely that it was a fucking meteor impact. 0.99

00:56:57.000 That some... 0.99

00:56:57.000 Whoa, what happened to that guy's arm? 0.99

00:56:58.000 You're distracting the shit out of me, son. 0.99

00:57:00.000 Don't look at me. 1.00

00:57:01.000 Well, don't fucking have a monitor open in front of me. 0.99

00:57:03.000 Dude's surfing. 0.99

00:57:04.000 He's not even paying attention.

00:57:05.000 We do a one-week podcast.

00:57:07.000 This dude is so addicted to the internet, he can't even talk for one week.

00:57:10.000 I've heard you talk before.

00:57:12.000 You've heard me talk?

00:57:12.000 Well, this is online, dude.

00:57:14.000 There's 675 people that...

00:57:16.000 Have not heard this story.

00:57:17.000 Don't look at me. 1.00

00:57:18.000 Shut up, faggot. 1.00

00:57:21.000 Anyway, I think people have been around way longer. 1.00

00:57:24.000 I think it's much more likely that...

00:57:26.000 It's just ridiculous that people still don't believe in how long this world's been around, you know what I mean?

00:57:33.000 Oh, like people that believe the Earth's 10,000 years old? 0.59

00:57:35.000 Yeah, it just drives me crazy.

00:57:37.000 Well, you know, that's a monster number.

00:57:39.000 More than 50% of America, according to a Gallup poll, which is not the same because...

00:57:44.000 Here's the thing about polls.

00:57:47.000 You can't say, like, according to a recent poll, 50% of Americans believe this. 0.99

00:57:52.000 Because no, no, according to your recent poll, 50% of Americans who are fucking retarded enough to answer your poll believe in that. 0.99

00:57:59.000 That's the reality of it. 1.00

00:58:00.000 That's ridiculous. 0.96

00:58:01.000 Polls are never representative of anybody intelligent. 1.00

00:58:04.000 Because you can't get me to answer a fucking poll. 1.00

00:58:06.000 You can't get you. 1.00

00:58:07.000 You got shit to do. 1.00

00:58:08.000 Don't you have a hobby? 1.00

00:58:09.000 You hear somebody calls you, may I have five minutes of your time?

00:58:11.000 No, that's for, like, old ladies who have no friends. 1.00

00:58:14.000 That's what that is.

00:58:14.000 Right.

00:58:14.000 Well, look at this glitter!

00:58:16.000 Or, I'm fucking super baked, and I just don't want to hang up on the person. 0.90

00:58:20.000 And I'm like, um, okay, five minutes, okay. 0.96

00:58:23.000 You know, I'm trying to be nice. 0.84

00:58:24.000 But the reality is, polls represent retards. 1.00

00:58:27.000 You know, you're a fucking, you're a dullard. 1.00

00:58:30.000 You're answering polls, goddammit. 1.00

00:58:33.000 The only time I do a poll is if I think I'm going to win something if I answer. 0.97

00:58:37.000 20% of Americans can't find the United States on a globe.

00:58:40.000 Is that true?

00:58:41.000 Joe Beef.

00:58:42.000 Don't be lying.

00:58:43.000 Joe Beef is lying. 1.00

00:58:44.000 Joe Beef, would you make that shit up? 1.00

00:58:46.000 Solar flares up in 2012, bro. 0.99

00:58:50.000 We're crossing the galactic equator then.

00:58:53.000 You know what?

00:58:54.000 There's a guy, Richard Tyson, is that his name?

00:58:57.000 What is that guy's name?

00:58:59.000 The astronomer.

00:59:01.000 Really, Neil Tyson.

00:59:02.000 Neil Tyson.

00:59:03.000 Very, very intelligent guy.

00:59:04.000 And I really like listening to him talk.

00:59:06.000 And one of the things he said about this whole crossing the aquatic...

00:59:10.000 Whatever...

00:59:11.000 What is it?

00:59:12.000 What is the exact...

00:59:14.000 The way this guy...

00:59:15.000 Galactic Equator?

00:59:16.000 I think that's what this guy said.

00:59:19.000 Yeah, we're crossing through the center of the galaxy.

00:59:23.000 Everything's in line on December 21st, 2012. You know what he says?

00:59:27.000 He says that happens all the time.

00:59:30.000 He says that line up with the center of the galaxy.

00:59:34.000 It doesn't happen then.

00:59:36.000 He says it happens all the time.

00:59:37.000 And nothing happens.

00:59:39.000 So, who knows if he's right or if he's one of those guys that's super skeptical.

00:59:43.000 But I think what's much more likely is going to happen in 2012 is something technological.

00:59:48.000 Something technological.

00:59:49.000 Some crazy invention.

00:59:51.000 You know, like...

00:59:53.000 I don't think it'd be anything.

00:59:54.000 It could be that too.

00:59:55.000 It could be that 2012 what really happens is nothing happens and then people realize, oh, we have to actually manage this life. 0.99

01:00:02.000 We can't just rely on fucking aliens landing. 0.97

01:00:04.000 I was more scared about 2000 just because that made sense. 0.99

01:00:08.000 Like all the computers, planes dropping from the sky.

01:00:11.000 I was scared too.

01:00:12.000 I didn't do a gig.

01:00:14.000 Right.

01:00:14.000 On 2000. I stayed home.

01:00:16.000 Yeah, I thought for sure there was at least going to be something small when 2000 hit.

01:00:20.000 Isn't it crazy that that's 10 years ago now? 0.81

01:00:22.000 Time is just fucking flying by, man. 0.97

01:00:26.000 It's crazy fast. 0.98

01:00:27.000 It's weird.

01:00:28.000 It almost feels like it's quicker every year.

01:00:30.000 And everybody says that, but what if time really is quicker?

01:00:33.000 What if, like, clocks are moving quicker, too?

01:00:35.000 We just can't really establish it because...

01:00:38.000 That wouldn't make sense, because what about digital clocks?

01:00:40.000 Well, no. 0.99

01:00:40.000 Well, they all exist in this fucking dimension. 0.99

01:00:44.000 Maybe this dimension is moving quicker. 0.99

01:00:46.000 Units of time are, you know, almost...

01:00:48.000 I think we're forgetting more.

01:00:51.000 So it feels like we're forgetting more of the day.

01:00:53.000 Because we have more information?

01:00:54.000 Yeah.

01:00:54.000 Yeah, maybe, right?

01:01:00.000 I'm afraid for appetators.

01:01:02.000 Thoughts on the Zeitgeist Movement.

01:01:03.000 You know what I think about Zeitgeist and all that stuff?

01:01:06.000 There's a lot of Zeitgeist that's poorly researched, like the stuff that he said about Mithra and the different gods and stuff that are just like Jesus.

01:01:17.000 A lot of that is really poorly researched and incorrect and been proven wrong.

01:01:21.000 There's a website that says, I think it's common, debunking Zeitgeist or something like that.

01:01:29.000 I forget what the website is titled, but I mean, the guy just breaks down all the errors that the dude who made the movie made. 0.87

01:01:36.000 And this is, you know, he's quoting references and showing very clearly That the Zeitgeist guys have made some big problems, big fuck ups.

01:01:46.000 And I think his whole, how sure he is that September 11th was designed and perpetrated by the US government and that Tower 1 and Tower 2 fell because they were detonated.

01:02:03.000 Like, you're sure of that?

01:02:05.000 Look, no one's sure of that.

01:02:06.000 That's crazy.

01:02:07.000 All this talk of free-fall speed and the towers fell at free-fall speed. 1.00

01:02:13.000 Yeah, they fell pretty fucking fast, but that's what happens when shit falls apart. 1.00

01:02:16.000 It falls apart pretty fucking fast. 0.99

01:02:18.000 Especially shit that's super heavy and gigantic and all that weight is on and it's all just collapsing. 0.99

01:02:23.000 Who the fuck knows what happens when you build a building that way and you fly a fucking giant plane filled with jet fuel into it. 0.99

01:02:31.000 The only way to really know, I mean you can have theories, but the only way to really know is to build another building and fly another jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens. 0.98

01:02:39.000 And if it falls down exactly like that one...

01:02:42.000 Then the argument's pretty much over.

01:02:44.000 And if it doesn't, then you have to go, well, okay, well, what was inside the building?

01:02:47.000 Did it all burn the same?

01:02:49.000 Was it exactly constructed the same?

01:02:52.000 You know, and then you've got to try it again. 0.84

01:02:53.000 I mean, you have to fucking have more than two buildings to go on. 0.80

01:02:56.000 And everybody's like, buildings have never fallen before. 1.00

01:02:58.000 Look, the government does some nasty, evil shit. 1.00

01:03:01.000 That is absolutely a fact. 1.00

01:03:03.000 But you don't know.

01:03:04.000 You don't know what happened there.

01:03:05.000 And to say that you know is just as bad as people who blindly trust in the U.S. government.

01:03:11.000 The thing that I have a big question about when it comes to September 11th is Tower 7. And if you watch video online, there's video of Tower 7 falling, and it falls just like a controlled demolition.

01:03:22.000 I mean, it just goes straight down, whoosh, all at once.

01:03:26.000 And it's really crazy to watch, man.

01:03:28.000 You know, because, like, it implodes from the basement down, and every level falls apart, including, like, jets of energy, like, spraying out of windows like there's blasts.

01:03:40.000 I mean, maybe that could be because it's collapsing.

01:03:42.000 Yeah, I mean, that's a whole floor of air being pushed through the windows.

01:03:45.000 Right.

01:03:45.000 But the problem is, it all falls at the exact same time, and that building wasn't even hit by a plane.

01:03:50.000 It was on fire, and it had a hole in it from, like, debris and stuff, and I could see it falling down.

01:03:56.000 But there was a hole in one corner.

01:03:57.000 And the hole, if it's a hole there, and the building's going to collapse, wouldn't it collapse towards the hole?

01:04:02.000 I mean, doesn't that make sense?

01:04:03.000 Maybe.

01:04:04.000 It also makes sense, the whole standing on a pop can thing, where if you stand on a pop can and you knock a little bit off the side, you're not falling over, you're going straight down because of the weight.

01:04:14.000 That's true.

01:04:15.000 It's so heavy.

01:04:16.000 Even if there's a hole on it, it doesn't matter.

01:04:18.000 It's just going straight down.

01:04:19.000 That's maybe.

01:04:20.000 Maybe. 1.00

01:04:21.000 I think with all that shit, I'm like, yeah, I'm glad there's people that freak out about it and care about it because without them, the government's going to get away with a bunch of shit. 1.00

01:04:28.000 But in my opinion, I don't care. 1.00

01:04:31.000 If the government did it, fuck, they did it. 1.00

01:04:33.000 I'm still waking up eating more cereal. 1.00

01:04:36.000 That is one thing you have to consider.

01:04:38.000 How is this going to help you?

01:04:41.000 How is this going to help you in your life?

01:04:42.000 I know.

01:04:43.000 If you get obsessed with this.

01:04:44.000 Look, here's the bottom line.

01:04:46.000 People that think the government wouldn't kill people, and nobody died in Tower 7, supposedly.

01:04:50.000 That seems so hard to believe.

01:04:53.000 People who think the government would not kill people, this is all you need to know.

01:04:57.000 For sure, they start wars that don't need to be started.

01:05:01.000 That's 100% fact. 0.99

01:05:02.000 For sure, the Gulf of Tonkin incident that got us into the Vietnam War, That was a fake fucking attack on Americans. 0.99

01:05:09.000 They faked it. 0.98

01:05:10.000 And they faked it and made this big deal about it so that everybody would get fired up and realize we have to go to Vietnam. 0.80

01:05:15.000 That's fact.

01:05:16.000 This is history.

01:05:17.000 You know, and the fact that they wrote up a thing called Operation Northwoods, the Northwoods document.

01:05:22.000 And the Northwoods document was they were planning attacks on Americans.

01:05:27.000 And they were going to, this is in 1962, and they were going, this is signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, by the way, and vetoed by Kennedy.

01:05:33.000 They were going to attack Guantanamo Bay.

01:05:36.000 They were going to lob grenades and mortars into Guantanamo Bay and possibly kill American soldiers. 0.99

01:05:41.000 They were going to blow up a jetliner and blame it on the Cubans. 0.91

01:05:45.000 And they were going to tell Americans, we have to go to war with Cuba. 1.00

01:05:48.000 Well, people were going to fucking die in that war, for sure. 0.99

01:05:51.000 And people were going to die in a war that Americans didn't want. 0.99

01:05:53.000 And so they decided to do what's called a false flag and make attacks on Americans and blame it on the Cubans. 0.61

01:06:00.000 And that's a fact. 0.99

01:06:01.000 They're willing to kill people.

01:06:03.000 And only 3,000 people died in September 11th.

01:06:05.000 For sure, that's a lot of people.

01:06:07.000 I'm not making light of it, but... 0.97

01:06:08.000 In comparison to how many people have died in Iraq during the fucking war, they're talking about like a million civilians have died in Iraq since the invasion. 0.98

01:06:17.000 A million. 1.00

01:06:18.000 I mean, that's fucking crazy. 0.99

01:06:19.000 Look at Haiti. 0.99

01:06:20.000 I mean, millions of people died from that earthquake in Haiti, but we didn't have an HD video fucking, you know, seeing it. 0.86

01:06:27.000 Yeah, but we're not responsible for that. 0.75

01:06:30.000 No, I mean...

01:06:30.000 Well, I know, I know, I know, but I think the reason why...

01:06:32.000 What I'm saying is that they're willing to kill people. 0.96

01:06:34.000 Right, right.

01:06:34.000 I think the reason why we're focused on it, though, is just because of that, that we all watched it live.

01:06:38.000 Where, you know, if we saw these people in Iraq get shot live on TV, it would probably be just as big as 9-11, you know?

01:06:46.000 Well, I don't know about that.

01:06:47.000 You know, I think...

01:06:48.000 I think...

01:06:50.000 Well...

01:06:51.000 I think the idea was that it was an attack on American soil.

01:06:54.000 I mean, that's really why it was such a big deal.

01:06:56.000 I mean, I remember how everybody got so patriotic after theirs. 0.97

01:06:59.000 Do you remember after September 11th how everybody had fucking American flags in their car? 0.96

01:07:03.000 Remember that weird feeling? 0.98

01:07:04.000 Yeah.

01:07:04.000 You were still in Ohio back then, right?

01:07:06.000 Right.

01:07:07.000 Did they have them in Ohio?

01:07:08.000 Oh yeah, it was crazy bad.

01:07:10.000 I went to work one day.

01:07:13.000 I don't even think I was doing Fear Factor at the time.

01:07:15.000 I might have been.

01:07:15.000 But I was driving down the street near my house.

01:07:20.000 And every fucking car had an American flag on it. 0.99

01:07:23.000 It was crazy. 1.00

01:07:24.000 And I was like, this is just weird.

01:07:26.000 This is a weird feeling.

01:07:27.000 It's like people are bowing up. 0.99

01:07:29.000 They're ready to just go to fucking war. 1.00

01:07:31.000 And you don't realize how warlike this fucking culture really is. 1.00

01:07:35.000 And how sheep-like. 0.99

01:07:36.000 And how people are just immediately willing to fight.

01:07:38.000 And fight who?

01:07:40.000 The people who did it are dead.

01:07:42.000 It was a suicide attack.

01:07:44.000 So the people that were responsible for the deaths of those people are all dead.

01:07:48.000 I mean... 1.00

01:07:49.000 Unless you're one of those crazy motherfuckers that doesn't believe that it was a real plane. 0.99

01:07:53.000 And then there's people that believe that, you know, they were piloted by remote control and the planes were empty. 1.00

01:08:00.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

01:08:01.000 Shit happened almost, what, is this 10 years? 1.00

01:08:03.000 It's almost 10 years ago. 0.98

01:08:04.000 10 years?

01:08:04.000 Yeah, 9 years.

01:08:04.000 And people are still talking about it?

01:08:06.000 Oh my god.

01:08:06.000 It's so frustrating.

01:08:08.000 Talking to people who claim to know.

01:08:10.000 That's when it's really frustrating.

01:08:11.000 Man, it wasn't a plane that hit the Pentagon.

01:08:12.000 It was a missile. 0.99

01:08:13.000 Where's all the people that died in the fucking plane crash then? 0.99

01:08:16.000 What, they just took them and... 0.99

01:08:17.000 Why would they say it's a plane?

01:08:19.000 Why would they shoot a missile and say it's a plane?

01:08:20.000 Why were there all the plane parts on the lawn?

01:08:23.000 I mean, come on, man.

01:08:24.000 We talked about this before.

01:08:25.000 This?

01:08:26.000 The plane part?

01:08:27.000 Yeah, I think we actually laughed for two weeks ago.

01:08:29.000 What's fear factor real?

01:08:30.000 Nothing is real.

01:08:31.000 Depends on how much acid you take.

01:08:33.000 Joe Rogan hates Bruce Springsteen.

01:08:35.000 That is so not true.

01:08:36.000 It's not true? 1.00

01:08:37.000 Are you just trying to get attention, motherfucker? 1.00

01:08:38.000 No, I don't hate Bruce Springsteen. 1.00

01:08:40.000 Born to Run, that's a great fucking song. 1.00

01:08:43.000 Brilliant Disguise, that's a great fucking song. 1.00

01:08:46.000 Never got into Bruce Springsteen. 0.99

01:08:47.000 Dude, I don't love all Bruce Springsteen, and I'm not going to sit through a fucking three-hour concert of anybody's. 0.97

01:08:52.000 It would have to be like Richard Pryor would have to come back from the dead. 0.98

01:08:55.000 Pink Floyd?

01:08:56.000 I might sit through three hours of Pink Floyd.

01:08:57.000 No, I wouldn't.

01:08:58.000 I'd get bored.

01:08:59.000 They don't have three hours of good songs.

01:09:01.000 But I love some of Bruce Springsteen's songs. 1.00

01:09:05.000 Some of them are the fucking shit. 1.00

01:09:08.000 I bought an old Rolling Stone album the other day because it had one song on it that I really liked. 1.00

01:09:13.000 I forget what it was. 1.00

01:09:14.000 But the rest of the album was dog shit. 1.00

01:09:16.000 And that's the Rolling Stones. 1.00

01:09:17.000 You think about how many great songs they have. 1.00

01:09:19.000 They have a lot of fucking albums. 0.99

01:09:21.000 If you go back into some of those older albums and listen to some of those songs that you don't know... 1.00

01:09:27.000 It's just shit. 0.99

01:09:28.000 Nobody puts out something that everybody loves. 1.00

01:09:33.000 It's very rare that I like a whole album from a band. 0.91

01:09:36.000 Have you ever been to a real orgy with more than 10 people having sex in the same room? 0.99

01:09:41.000 You walked in and you're like, what the fuck is going on here? 1.00

01:09:43.000 An orgy? 1.00

01:09:44.000 Yeah, like a real one. 0.95

01:09:45.000 No, I've never been to an orgy.

01:09:46.000 Have you? 0.80

01:09:46.000 No, I just... 0.80

01:09:48.000 We were in Tampa.

01:09:49.000 Remember when we were in Tampa, Florida?

01:09:51.000 Someone was trying to get us to go to a sex club? 0.95

01:09:53.000 Because he had a swingers club. 0.70

01:09:54.000 That happened again with me and Ari in, I think it was Nashville. 0.56

01:09:59.000 Me and Ari were in Nashville.

01:10:00.000 We had this driver who drove us to the UFC, drove us to the comedy club.

01:10:05.000 The same driver all week.

01:10:06.000 And then finally, he's dropping us off at the airport. 0.98

01:10:08.000 And he's like, as he's dropping us off, I was like, well, if you guys are ever back in town, no, I have a fucking swingers club that I belong to. 0.98

01:10:14.000 Oh, no. 0.98

01:10:14.000 I go, what? 0.98

01:10:16.000 And I go, swingers?

01:10:18.000 Yeah, me and my wife, we're swingers.

01:10:20.000 You're swingers. 1.00

01:10:20.000 So you let dudes fuck your wife? 1.00

01:10:22.000 He's like, well, you know, she lets me and I have to let her. 1.00

01:10:25.000 What?

01:10:25.000 Well, we get to choose, though.

01:10:27.000 We have veto power. 0.52

01:10:28.000 That's what he said.

01:10:28.000 We got veto power.

01:10:30.000 I go, so if some dude, you feel like you can't follow him?

01:10:32.000 Oh, yeah.

01:10:33.000 No, no, no, no.

01:10:34.000 No big, young studs.

01:10:36.000 Like, he gets to choose. 1.00

01:10:37.000 Like, he wants, like, old, bald, fucking, you know, vacuum salesman banging his wife. 1.00

01:10:42.000 That would be so bad. 1.00

01:10:45.000 I'm like, do you watch?

01:10:46.000 He goes, no, I don't want to watch.

01:10:47.000 You don't want to watch.

01:10:48.000 You don't want to watch. 1.00

01:10:49.000 Your wife is getting fucking stuffed in another room. 1.00

01:10:51.000 How crazy is that bitch? 1.00

01:10:53.000 You know, how crazy is she? 1.00

01:10:55.000 You know, whenever I hear about chicks that want to fuck, like, a bunch of different dudes at the same time, like, that is... 1.00

01:11:01.000 Look, we're all wired differently. 1.00

01:11:03.000 I like hot sauce.

01:11:05.000 You like hot sauce?

01:11:06.000 You like spicy food? 1.00

01:11:07.000 I like fucking really spicy food. 1.00

01:11:09.000 I'll fuck myself up. 1.00

01:11:10.000 I put Dave's Insanity Sauce on burritos and I'm sweating. 0.99

01:11:14.000 Sweat is pouring on my face.

01:11:16.000 My tongue is on fire.

01:11:17.000 Now, to most people, they wouldn't like that, but I like that for some weird reason.

01:11:20.000 Maybe some girls just like bixing everywhere. 1.00

01:11:23.000 Maybe they like it.

01:11:24.000 Maybe they're just going crazy.

01:11:26.000 Maybe it's not, but maybe they're broken.

01:11:30.000 You know?

01:11:30.000 Yeah.

01:11:31.000 It depends on the person. 1.00

01:11:33.000 Some of them are for sure fucked up. 1.00

01:11:35.000 There was this girl on the Howard Stern show today that got fucked so hard in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines. 1.00

01:11:42.000 Oh! 1.00

01:11:44.000 No!

01:11:45.000 And she sewed it back up.

01:11:46.000 Oh no! 1.00

01:11:47.000 And then she was talking about how she just the other day had two dicks in her ass. 1.00

01:11:50.000 What? 1.00

01:11:50.000 I'm like, wouldn't you, once your intestines rip open... 1.00

01:11:52.000 Oh my god! 0.92

01:11:53.000 Who is this girl? 0.99

01:11:55.000 She's in the new Jersey Shore porn. 1.00

01:11:58.000 Jersey... 1.00

01:11:58.000 Whore or something like that. 1.00

01:12:00.000 Somebody knows. 0.98

01:12:01.000 You guys know.

01:12:02.000 Someone on Twitter knows. 1.00

01:12:03.000 There's a bunch of you fucking perverts. 1.00

01:12:05.000 God damn it. 1.00

01:12:06.000 You people know who it is. 1.00

01:12:07.000 I forget her name.

01:12:08.000 Teresa or something like that.

01:12:09.000 Whoever was listening to the Stern Show today and heard that.

01:12:13.000 Yeah, Mr. Hands.

01:12:14.000 That sounds just like Mr. Hands.

01:12:15.000 But a regular dick doing that to you, that's even more impressive. 1.00

01:12:20.000 The horse dick, you look at it and you go, how does it not kill you? 1.00

01:12:22.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:12:23.000 The most amazing thing about that Mr. Hands thing, if you don't know what Mr. Hands is, It's a guy who got fucked to death by a horse.

01:12:28.000 And there's a video of it online. 1.00

01:12:30.000 You can watch the guy getting fucked by the horse. 0.98

01:12:32.000 But the amazing thing is... 0.99

01:12:34.000 Taron Thomas.

01:12:34.000 They did it...

01:12:35.000 Taron Thomas.

01:12:37.000 Beautiful. 1.00

01:12:37.000 Thank you very much, Mighty Hubris, you fucking pervert. 1.00

01:12:41.000 But the amazing thing about the horse fucking video is that apparently this guy had gotten fucked by a horse a bunch of times and nothing happened. 1.00

01:12:48.000 Like, he was okay. 0.99

01:12:50.000 How does that even happen?

01:12:51.000 Mr. Hands is your 9-11.

01:12:53.000 It is. 1.00

01:12:54.000 Because you talk about that shit every day. 1.00

01:12:57.000 Is there a point where you're like, man, I do talk about fucking horse fucking a lot more than I should. 1.00

01:13:03.000 No. 0.98

01:13:03.000 No, because it's a bit of my act now. 0.98

01:13:05.000 So now it's like part of my job. 0.99

01:13:08.000 You remember the shit, the bah face? 1.00

01:13:09.000 I used to go behind you and always make the faces all the time? 1.00

01:13:12.000 Well, I found myself doing it on normal faces.

01:13:14.000 So, like, it would be my mom, like, hey, mom, let's take a photo.

01:13:16.000 And everybody, like, I'm like, oh, I'm doing this all the time now.

01:13:20.000 I have to stop.

01:13:20.000 So that's why I stopped in the bah face, because it was, like, something that was, like, in my head.

01:13:25.000 If you don't know what the bah face is, and this is a thing that went on for literally, like, five years. 0.60

01:13:30.000 Every time I took a picture with someone, like, you know, someone came to a show and they wanted to take a picture with me, Every time, Brian was behind them like this.

01:13:38.000 We have to organize them and put them online.

01:13:41.000 It's on MySpace, but a lot of them are.

01:13:42.000 There's a million more.

01:13:43.000 There's so many of them. 0.99

01:13:44.000 We're talking about no bullshit. 0.98

01:13:47.000 Five years worth of shows. 1.00

01:13:48.000 Thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pictures, all with Brian behind it, making crazy fucking faces. 0.99

01:13:55.000 I have a picture of me and David Lee Roth, and you're behind it. 0.99

01:13:58.000 Yeah.

01:13:59.000 I think the last one I did, or the one that made me realize I needed to stop doing it was the one I did to Brock Lesnar, and I was so drunk, and the next day I'm like, I did not do it with Brock Lesnar.

01:14:08.000 How about the one you did with Dane Cook, man?

01:14:09.000 Oh yeah, and I did to Dane Cook.

01:14:12.000 That's funny.

01:14:13.000 But no, the Brock Lesnar one, I was like, I need to stop. 1.00

01:14:16.000 He could have easily kicked my ass right then and there. 0.99

01:14:18.000 Oh my god, I don't have that picture. 1.00

01:14:20.000 You've got to send that to me.

01:14:21.000 I'm going to put this up on Twitter right now. 0.99

01:14:22.000 Holy shit, that's awesome. 0.90

01:14:23.000 Send to Flickr. 0.98

01:14:24.000 Send to Flickr.

01:14:25.000 I'm going to do it right now.

01:14:27.000 Wow, I've never seen that photo before. 0.99

01:14:28.000 Yeah, I'll put that shit up. 0.99

01:14:31.000 Put it on Flickr? 0.99

01:14:32.000 Okay.

01:14:33.000 Dude, whatever.

01:14:33.000 I can't believe I boffaced David Lee Roth.

01:14:36.000 Yeah, you did, dude.

01:14:38.000 Dude, I can't wait to...

01:14:39.000 Well, no, I shouldn't say this.

01:14:41.000 But I can't wait to one day where David Lee Roth won't...

01:14:46.000 Be around maybe.

01:14:48.000 What?

01:14:48.000 So we can release that video.

01:14:50.000 No way.

01:14:50.000 Or he won't be.

01:14:51.000 We have this video of us all hanging out with David Lee Rock.

01:14:55.000 Dude, don't even talk about that.

01:14:56.000 No, no, no.

01:14:56.000 I don't mean die.

01:14:58.000 I mean like he doesn't care.

01:14:58.000 Don't even say about it right now.

01:14:59.000 Because he told us not to talk about it.

01:15:01.000 Oh, alright.

01:15:02.000 I mean, he doesn't want that video coming out, so the last thing we should do is talk about what's on that video, man.

01:15:06.000 No, no, I was just going to say, we all sat around and talked.

01:15:08.000 Yes. 1.00

01:15:09.000 Right, bullshit, man. 1.00

01:15:11.000 You were saying you can't wait until he dies so you can release it. 1.00

01:15:13.000 No, no, no, just so we can show it to people, because it was so awesome.

01:15:17.000 It was awesome there, right?

01:15:19.000 Yes.

01:15:19.000 It was just cool talking to him.

01:15:21.000 Right.

01:15:22.000 It was basically just David Lee Roth talking about crazy road stories.

01:15:25.000 I mean, it was nothing scandalous.

01:15:26.000 No. 0.99

01:15:26.000 It was just, I mean, it's fucking David Lee Roth, you know? 0.99

01:15:30.000 It's just weird hanging out with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to. 0.98

01:15:34.000 Buying his albums at Gold Circle.

01:15:37.000 Yeah, it's amazing. 1.00

01:15:38.000 Hanging out with David Lee Roth was the shit. 0.99

01:15:40.000 Alright, hold on. 1.00

01:15:40.000 I'm gonna choose the photo. 1.00

01:15:42.000 I'm gonna put that shit online. 1.00

01:15:44.000 But this picture of Brian going nutty behind David Lee Roth is just indicative of one of fucking... 1.00

01:15:52.000 You probably have... 0.98

01:15:53.000 Some of you guys probably have photos of me in the background.

01:15:56.000 You don't even know.

01:15:57.000 People would get so mad.

01:15:58.000 Yeah, people almost I've never had fights with me before.

01:16:01.000 They always get so mad. 1.00

01:16:02.000 They go, yo, Joe, bro, what's this fucking asshole doing behind you? 1.00

01:16:05.000 And I'm like, no, no, he's my friend. 1.00

01:16:07.000 He's actually getting paid to do that.

01:16:09.000 The guy in Tempe, remember?

01:16:10.000 He came back twice because he was so pissed off.

01:16:13.000 People were mad. 0.94

01:16:14.000 Well, there's weird people that, like, there's weird people that fucking, like, take pictures that they take with you and, like, put them, like, in their living room, frame them. 0.96

01:16:25.000 I went to this guy's house once. 0.95

01:16:27.000 We did this Fear Factor thing. 1.00

01:16:29.000 Please don't tell me that Firefox is fucking crashing again, you dirty cunt. 1.00

01:16:34.000 Oh my god, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

01:16:37.000 Are we still on? 1.00

01:16:38.000 I don't know.

01:16:40.000 Come on.

01:16:41.000 Dude, come on.

01:16:50.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:16:53.000 Oh my god, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

01:16:59.000 God damn it dude, we're gonna lose this fucking recording too. 1.00

01:17:05.000 I don't think we'll release this recording, will we? 1.00

01:17:07.000 Dude, what are we doing?

01:17:08.000 Go to the show.

01:17:09.000 Go to the show.

01:17:10.000 What are you doing?

01:17:10.000 Trying to.

01:17:16.000 We froze, huh?

The Joe Rogan Experience - February 24, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #9 - Brian Redban (Part 1)

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript