Joey Diaz returns to The Joe Rogan Experience. With a backup generator in hand, Joe returns to the house after the power went out at his house. He talks about the power going out in his house and how he managed to get back on the mic. He also talks about how he got high at the airport and how much of an idiot he is when it comes to getting out of his car without a seatbelt. Joe also gives us an update on his trip to the Bitter End comedy club in NYC and talks about what it's like to be a comedian in New York City. And finally, we find out who he's going to be performing with this weekend and what he's been up to since the last time he was in the city! Joe is a comedian, comedian, stand-up comic, writer, and podcaster. He's been around a long time and is one of the funniest people I've ever met and I'm so excited to have him on the show. Joe also has a new t-shirt coming out that says "If you ain't high by 2 in the afternoon, go fuck yourself." by popular demand. The shirt is out now and is available for pre-order on HigherProteum. The show is sponsored by The Fleshlight. If you go to joeogan.net and click on the link on the right-hand side of the page and click the code "ROGAN" and get 15% off. Enjoy it! Enjoy it, Buckle up, bitches! And now! Joe Rogans and now, here we go! XOXO, the Experience - The Show is sponsored & . The Experience is Hosted by The Fucking Rogan Podcast (Joe Rogan and the FJOGAN Experience and The FJODGAN Experience. (The FJOBODO Experience ) is a production of The FjOBOGAN Podcast ( ) (featuring the FjOGAN , , and The BOBY JOSEPHILL ( ) is a . . . & The BitterEnd ( , The F JOGAN EXPERIENCYTER ( ) and the BABY BODY EXPERIENCE ( ) is . , AND
00:00:58.000That was ridiculous, because by the time the power came back on, he was so high, and he hadn't talked for like 20 minutes, and he was basically asleep.
00:01:08.000But it was such an organic podcast because shit happened and we just kept going.
00:01:12.000We just fucking conked it and moved on.
00:01:15.000Yeah, we started an audio podcast while it was all going on.
00:10:38.000The best Jolly Rancher candies you will ever eat in your life.
00:10:44.000I was eating them, popping them with Ralphie Mae like they were candy.
00:10:47.000He bought a bag of them this fucking big.
00:10:49.000And by the third one, I'm at the sushi place and I didn't even know where the fuck I was.
00:10:53.000Do you guys realize how alien this conversation is to most people listening all over the world?
00:10:58.000We had this conversation at 8.30 in the morning, you and I. I called you and I said, you know, as a kid, you expect jetpacks and you expect people going to Mars and shit.
00:11:06.000Never did I thought in any of my youth that at 8 in the morning I would be at a Wii store eating bagels and smoking dope next to an attorney and a construction fucking worker on their way to work.
00:11:48.000Look, there's too many fucking restrictions if you're a guy who's just got a fucking job, all right?
00:11:55.000If you're just a guy who works at UPS and, you know, you got a decent management job and you like it, and you got to fucking piss into a cup every couple months, so you can't even enjoy yourself at your brother's wedding.
00:12:07.000Everyone's sitting around smoking a joint, listening to some good songs, and you got to stand over there by the fan.
00:15:19.000We're going to have to get over this human-machine interface.
00:15:23.000We're going to have to get over the idea of implants.
00:15:25.000People are going to have shit implanted into their body, and you're going to be able to communicate with other machines and other people who have chips planted in their body.
00:15:34.000The human body will become a computer.
00:15:36.000My buddy, I'm laughing because my buddy has a joke that he did in Texas.
00:15:39.000He did a one-nighter in a club in a part of Texas that was so backwards that the opening act was a magician and they thought he was a devil worshipper.
00:15:53.000It is one of the funniest bits, and he goes, Joey, it was a night from hell.
00:15:57.000He goes, they were all like white Christians, and this guy was in there making birds disappear and shit, and they thought he was the devil.
00:16:03.000They were like, get that devil out of the building.
00:16:05.000They paid him and asked him to fucking leave.
00:17:16.000There's people that don't have this in perspective because it's 2011 and you've had some amazing fucking Avatar-type movies.
00:17:24.000They're on such another level now than they were back then.
00:17:27.000But when The Exorcist came out, dude, that was the scariest movie of all time.
00:17:34.000When that little girl spun her head around and started stabbing herself with a crucifix going, your mother sucks cocks in hell, and it's meat.
00:17:44.000She's stabbing into the meat of her pussy with a crumb.
00:21:02.000They were on TV. They never got to have a childhood.
00:21:05.000Bitch, Linda Blair was putting a cross in her pussy at the age of 12. Somebody went to Linda Blair and said, Linda, hi, can you sit down for a second with your mother in the room?
00:21:14.000In this film, we want you to take a fucking cross and put it in your little twat and say, your mother sucks cocks in hell.
00:23:35.000Nobody's done that since Robert Duvall in Godfather 2, when he talked Freddy Fivefinger's angles into killing himself in the tub.
00:23:42.000Remember, he goes to visit them in jail, and he goes, at the end of the party, the Romans would get together and eat fruit, and then they'd slice their fucking wrists, and the next day they're playing cards.
00:24:57.000When that shit came out, dude, I remember I went to see that, and the first thing I said when I got out of the theater, I said, fuck Star Wars.
00:25:49.000He's a brilliant actor and you barely even fucking hear a peep about that guy.
00:25:53.000He's never going to events and making a big deal about things and holding press conferences and fucking sitting in talk shows and crossing his legs talking about his fucking vacation.
00:32:01.000I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but in LA, food trucks have attacked LA. Now, food trucks are so popular, they have Twitters, where you can go on Twitter and find out where the truck is.
00:32:11.000On Melrose the other day, the whole street was just food trucks lined up and thousands of people everywhere.
00:34:11.000I have carne asada burritos with fresh jalapenos and I chop them up in there and I chop up like a whole pepper and a half and then in one burrito and it just fucking cleans the whole system out, son.
00:35:21.000It's a barbecued brisket with mashed potatoes in the sandwich.
00:35:27.000There's a layer of mashed potatoes and a layer of this mouth-watering brisket, and it's all in together, and, you know, it's a giant-ass...
00:36:49.000And then I said, fuck it, because I wanted to go back, but I didn't want to go back because it's going to be busy in the next couple of weeks.
00:36:54.000And it's weird because I was telling you that day, I'm going to visit a buddy of mine, and I wanted to tell you the story, just so you didn't know, in 83, you know, I was a fucked up kid, and I was at a bar one night, and this kid came in, and I knew his whole family, I knew his younger brothers, and this kid had gone to the Air Force Academy, where you had one, you got under the train or something once?
00:37:13.000No, I went to the Olympic Training Center.
00:37:15.000And his other brother went to Brown, and we used to go visit his brother.
00:37:18.000His brother used to be there when Kennedy was on campus.
00:37:45.000I wanted to rob this drug dealer that used to hide three kilos.
00:37:48.000They used to deliver three kilos a month to his building and he would hide it in his parking garage.
00:37:54.000So somebody slipped one night at a party and said that his buddy got three kilos delivered and he didn't want to put the coke in his house.
00:38:11.000So what I was going to do is rob the drug dealers, give him the five grand I owed him, wait 10 days, and then hit him for 50, and then take off to Colorado and buy a house or whatever I was going to do, right?
00:42:25.000You know, it's crazy, man, because after a cop is a cop, you know, I can just imagine being, living all your life to protect your country and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and also one day you actually, to be a cop, you have to have a certain gene.
00:43:09.000Take a little here, take a little there.
00:43:10.000You know, I'm making $38,000 a fucking year, you know, and this guy wants to give me $5,000 so I don't bust his bookmaking operation on the corner.
00:43:19.000You know, and that's how it starts, bro.
00:43:21.000And I guess it's like, hey, we were talking about the other day that you had Andy Dick on, and he said that sometimes when you're doing a bad show and you're so upset with yourself that you resort to doing, you know, you're just not happy with the present condition of your life.
00:44:27.000The older I got, and the wiser you get, I give my life to teachers, cops, anybody who's a public servant.
00:44:34.000You know, all last week we were talking about this fucking mutt, Charlie Sheen, who's basically a fucking rich junkie.
00:44:40.000If you come down to it that's just sitting there talking shit, do you have the balls to get on a plane right now and go to Japan and help those fucking people?
00:44:47.000Nobody talks about those fucking people.
00:45:07.000Those guys are over in Japan right now picking up fucking...
00:45:11.000There's kids under there yelling and screaming.
00:45:13.000They'll see things we wouldn't even imagine seeing in a lifetime.
00:45:16.000Those guys are going to come back, and next week they'll have another disaster in Venezuela or in Oregon, and those guys will never get, not even a fucking thank you.
00:52:31.000Speaking of Faberman, he has a new book out, and he's been actually doing the tour, like the morning show tour all around the country and stuff.
00:58:06.000I'm like, man, that's all you need to do.
00:58:08.000Like these hour and a half sets that I'm doing, two hour sets, and a lot of it is just Q&A. Some people like it, but some people feel obligated to stick around.
00:58:16.000Like it's just like it's too much attention that you're asking from.
00:58:19.000Tell them your show's over and then do the Q&A. Maybe.
00:58:22.000I'm going to figure out another way to do Q&A. Maybe do a night where it's just Q&A. Make it real cheap just to pay for the room.
00:58:31.000And make it so that one night maybe there's not a stand-up show, it's a Q&A show.
01:00:50.000Yeah, I remember what the fuck I was trying to say.
01:00:54.000We're trying to say about how hard it was, and it's so weird because if you talk to people from them, like even if Hollywood was different then, they'd move you out here, and you'd give you a paycheck.
01:01:03.000And you'd suck everyone's dick, and then they'd give you a script and a loaf of bread.
01:01:10.000And you just got assigned different films.
01:01:12.000All those guys that you see from the 60s and 50s that were here, they all lived in Burbank.
01:01:17.000Burbank, all those houses that look the same and shit.
01:01:19.000You remember all those movies about, like, JFK? Like, they always have those blondes that were with JFK that were, like, sort of semi-disposable.
01:01:28.000They would always be, like, hanging around, but they never really addressed them.
01:02:42.000But it's fascinating that this is the spot where all this goes down.
01:02:46.000This is the spot where everybody comes to make something happen comes to get some attention There's a lot of people that fall through the cracks, you know, there's a lot of victims in this fucking town So how many people have come and gone since you've been a lot?
01:02:58.000How have you ever gotten Facebook and say hey?
01:03:01.000Yeah, those are creepy What the fuck happened to that guy cuz I forget about half the people I moved to upstate New York Remember Lazlo He used to hang out at the comedy store all the time a long time ago.
01:03:47.000I got an email last week on my regular email from some dude and I call him back and I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?" He was my first manager.
01:04:25.000People that came to the store and said, I got a script I just sold, and you got, boom, a year later, they're like, oh no, I'm doing radio in Wisconsin.
01:04:52.000When I saw Mike Ricca at the store, I remember thinking, we were probably around the same age or something, and I remember thinking, this fucking guy's going to be huge.
01:06:08.000Yeah, you know, I'm always happy when someone figures out a way to make it through the crazy net, like the salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is, to get to the top.
01:07:11.000You know, he's the first guy that ever figured out how to really connect with people over the internet.
01:07:15.000You know, that guy's still, to this day, he's constantly answering emails, constantly connecting with people, uses that say now thing, gets on that, gets on Twitter.
01:07:45.000In this economy and what's going on right now, you could do stand-up all the time, but you need to open up different doors for yourself, and this is where this comes in, the podcast.
01:08:00.000It comes in for all these other people that don't have people like us around them.
01:08:03.000It sounds arrogant, but there's a lot of people out there that live in shitty neighborhoods, and they have dumb friends, and they don't have anybody to really connect with, where they feel like these people are also growing along with them, like they're all growing together.
01:08:16.000There's a lot of people that don't have that.
01:08:19.000So this podcast gives them an alternative way to look at things.
01:08:23.000It gives them a way to see how all of us in our own lives are overcoming adversity and dealing with situations and being honest about ourselves and honest about our friends and honest about life.
01:08:33.000And that inspires an ethic and that inspires other people to be like-minded.
01:11:06.000The connection between human beings is becoming more and more It's like you have a network of people that you interact with now, and you can just develop a really cool network and only be around really cool people for the most part.
01:11:36.000It's really simple, and then you don't have to deal with that guy anymore.
01:11:39.000And then you're nice to everybody, and they're nice to you, and you try to fucking, you know, have a little exchange.
01:11:44.000Every day people are sending me cool shit on Twitter.
01:11:46.000Every day some new fucking thing on the earthquake, or a new, you know, video of a tsunami, or a new, you know, crazy monkey that they found in Liberia, or whatever, you know what I mean?
01:11:56.000It's like every day there's some new fascinating shit.
01:14:26.000But she used to hang out with one of the girls at the comedy store and she was having a dilemma because she was dating a guy that for the first time was uncircumcised and she didn't like the way it felt in her mouth.
01:14:37.000She was drinking and she was telling everybody, I really like them, but it feels like skin in my mouth.
01:14:44.000It probably feels like those little rubber things, those things that you try to hold but you can't hold it.
01:14:49.000It's like a little rubber thing filled with water.
01:15:28.000Evil Boy's about, they want to, like, there's a tradition, when they become a man, they go and circumcise him with a fucking rusty knife out in the woods.
01:22:02.000Dude, there's a divide somewhere out there, they said, that's 270 miles long and 50 miles wide, where the actual epicenter of the earthquake was.
01:27:34.000When you're at a fucking airport and you're waiting out line, and you're a professional and you left your weed at home, and you've been waiting for fucking three hours, and all of a sudden, trust me, bro, a professional weed guy never lets you leave their house without weed.
01:27:46.000There's things professionals do, dog, that they know.
01:27:49.000You call a professional at two in the morning and go, dog, I can't sleep.
01:27:52.000They'll say, come over here and get high with you.
01:27:54.000They will not answer the fucking phone.
01:28:30.000I mean, I do write sober sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning.
01:28:32.000A lot of times I do revisions on things, and I like to review it from a bunch of different states.
01:28:36.000But when I write high, man, it's like there's a symphony playing in my mind.
01:28:41.000It's like there's music, and music comes through these words, and there's lights, and there's dancing going on in my head.
01:28:48.000When I'm high, there's a lot of shit happening.
01:28:49.000When I'm sober, I'm slowly piecing it together.
01:28:53.000It's like the difference between typing with your fingers, when you don't know how to type, when you're just using your index finger and you're going, T. H. And when you can type when you don't even have to look.
01:30:33.000And I got a thing yesterday that said that some guy predicted from some weather thing that it was going to either be on the 16th or the 17th.
01:30:41.000There's going to be another earthquake.
01:31:59.000See, they tried to downplay it at first, saying that it's going to be fine.
01:32:02.000But now, on CNN, there's a new official report.
01:32:06.000This guy says that spent fuel rods are exposed, and this heightens concerns.
01:32:10.000So spent fuel rods in the uniform of Japan's stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant have been exposed, resulting in the emission of extremely high levels of radiation.
01:32:22.000The head of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission said on Wednesday, this is fucking dangerous shit, man.
01:32:27.000And what's scary is we have these things all over the place.
01:32:29.000There's like 150 of these in this country.
01:32:33.000Maybe it will morph, get into the human...
01:32:51.000You know what's sad about Japan is that they have that place called Okinawa where it's beautiful and it's the place on the earth where the people live the longest.
01:37:22.000They're flying around and every now and then they collide with one another and one of them gets hurled towards Earth and it slams in and that's a wrap.
01:37:41.000A few mice and rats are going to be picking off decaying flesh and surviving on cannibalism until they slowly evolve over billions and billions of years.
01:37:48.000And that's why you want to live in New York or Washington, D.C. or L.A. because the asteroid, if that really hit one of those places, that would be too cheesy, you know?
01:37:58.000An asteroid wouldn't hit L.A. because it's too cheesy?
01:39:23.000Try to bring a pair of roller skates to work.
01:39:24.000Right, and the problem is three hours, if she gets off work at six, then you're dealing with creepy shit at night.
01:39:29.000You know, you're walking home at night, and who knows what the fuck is happening by the time these three hours are up, where total chaos is set in.
01:40:02.000Just going to Hermosa was kind of weird, because I just got done watching all this Japan shit, and then being by the ocean, just kind of like, oh, that's the stuff.
01:41:29.000It's all sardines and some mackerel, and there's millions of them, and they're on the surface of the fucking water, and they can't figure out why.
01:41:35.000But people are driving up in boats, and they're scooping up these fish in buckets, and the fish can't go anywhere.
01:41:40.000They're literally stuck to the surface of the water.
01:41:43.000They don't know what they're trying to do.
01:41:44.000If there's no oxygen, they're trying to snap out the air to get oxygen into their body somehow.
01:41:49.000No one knows exactly why they're at the surface of the water.
01:41:52.000But people are just scooping them up in buckets.
01:41:55.000So this is basically sort of similar to what happened in Redondo.
01:41:58.000Something is happening to giant schools of fish and they don't know why.
01:42:01.000And they're thinking that, you know, in the Redondo, like I said, they think it's some sort of a poison, but they don't have any idea why or what.
01:42:07.000It's probably some kind of weird terrorist act thing.
01:42:09.000Could you imagine it was some crazy Christian motherfucker?
01:42:46.000And not only that, even if it wasn't the Bible, the Bible is just a translation of ancient Hebrew, which nobody really totally understands.
01:42:53.000Ancient Hebrew, to this day, they don't know all the words.
01:43:42.000I mean, they just picked something to get obsessed with.
01:43:45.000Whether it's the Mayan calendar in 2012, or it's fucking the Jesus apocalypse, or whether it's UFOs, it's all the same mentality to get these motherfuckers obsessed with these things.
01:43:55.000But what got you off the Mayan calendar?
01:43:59.000I'm not attached or married, I try not to be at least, to almost everything that I think.
01:44:03.000Everything that I believe about everything.
01:44:06.000I'm open to reinterpretation at all times.
01:44:09.000And the thing about the Mayan calendar is, I think what the Mayans did, and I got this mostly from going to Chichen Itza and talking to this guy who was a professor, who was our guide, who was really an interesting guy.
01:44:27.000Yeah, and he loved the fact that I knew so much about the Mayan civilization.
01:44:32.000So he was an individual guy, like you hire him, you know, for the tour.
01:44:36.000So he was like really into it because the guy loved the culture, man.
01:44:39.000He was really obsessed with it and obsessed with the fact that there's this incredible society that basically just vanished.
01:44:45.000I mean, these guys created some incredible works of architecture, these incredible designs, incredibly intricate calendars, and really these psychedelic languages of images and shit like that.
01:44:56.000I mean, the way they form sentences, it was very fascinating stuff.
01:45:01.000And then on top of that, there was all this evidence of a massive deterioration of their society, like a human sacrifice and that kind of shit.
01:45:45.000You know, if there's some other astronomical body that – or cosmic body that when it lines up with us, its gravity affects us in a certain way.
01:45:53.000And it changes some certain things about people or ushers in some new understanding or new appreciation or some new sort of a natural disaster that makes us sort of rethink the way we communicate.
01:46:03.000Whether it's with cell towers or whether it's with satellites.
01:46:06.000You know, these satellites get burnt out so we have to figure out a way to reinvent the whole idea of mass communication.
01:46:12.000That could be the reasons why these things, why it's thought of that a new age is coming, you know, and that the Mayans predicted it because they predicted there would be a new atmosphere on Earth.
01:46:20.000There would be, maybe it's, you know, as simple as the polar ice cap shift and it causes all sorts of fucking havoc and chaos.
01:46:40.000Solar storms, like, way, way in the past, where, you know, we didn't have, like, all these satellites and shit.
01:46:45.000You know, there was, I believe it was in fucking, I think it was the 1950s, I think it was, where there was a giant solar storm, like one of the highest ones ever measured.
01:46:54.000And they were saying that if that solar storm happened to us today, we literally would knock out communication.
01:50:18.000I think there's certain dudes that just can do things that you can't do, you know, and physically, you know, and when you combine it with intelligence, which he has, and work ethic, which he has, doing all the right things, treating people the right way, good karma.
01:50:32.000I mean, yeah, he says some things sometimes that I'm sure he'll regret, but he's 20 fucking three years old, you know?