The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #90 - Joey Diaz

00:00:02.000 The Joe Rogan Experience is sponsored by The Fleshlight.

00:00:05.000 If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link on the right-hand side, you can enter in the code name ROGAN and get 15% off.

00:00:12.000 Enjoy it.

00:00:13.000 And now, here we go.

00:00:16.000 Buckle up, bitches. 1.00

00:00:18.000 Joe Diaz is in the house.

00:00:18.000 The Joe Hogan Experience.

00:00:46.000 With a backup generator in hand, Joe Diaz returns.

00:00:50.000 What's up, baby?

00:00:51.000 What's up, brother?

00:00:53.000 Last time Joey Diaz was here, the fucking power went out, man.

00:00:57.000 Ridiculous.

00:00:58.000 That was ridiculous, because by the time the power came back on, he was so high, and he hadn't talked for like 20 minutes, and he was basically asleep.

00:01:08.000 But it was such an organic podcast because shit happened and we just kept going.

00:01:12.000 We just fucking conked it and moved on.

00:01:15.000 Yeah, we started an audio podcast while it was all going on.

00:01:17.000 Red Band, what's happening?

00:01:19.000 How you doing?

00:01:19.000 What the fuck?

00:01:20.000 Get on the mic, though.

00:01:21.000 I am.

00:01:22.000 I'm trying to adjust your mic.

00:01:23.000 With your little Keith Richards hair, dude.

00:01:24.000 Look at you looking sharper than a motherfucker.

00:01:27.000 Yeah.

00:01:27.000 You know, I've been noticing I wear hats way too much.

00:01:31.000 And it's not like I'm wearing hats to cover up baldness or anything like that.

00:01:34.000 I just fucking hate fucking with my hair.

00:01:38.000 I like being able to hide if I want to.

00:01:41.000 Right now, he's trying to make up for the fact that he's trying to look sexy.

00:01:44.000 I'm not trying to look sexy.

00:01:45.000 He's kind of looking sexy.

00:01:46.000 Look at this picture, Joey.

00:01:50.000 This is the shirt.

00:01:52.000 This is a shirt we're going to be offering on higher-primate.com.

00:01:58.000 It is a Joey Diaz shirt by popular demand.

00:02:01.000 And the shirt says, Joey Diaz says, if you ain't high by two in the afternoon, go fuck yourself.

00:02:06.000 Which is true.

00:02:08.000 It should still continue.

00:02:10.000 And that will be our number one selling shirt for sure.

00:02:13.000 All those other monkey, Buddha, marijuana, those are fine.

00:02:17.000 But this is going to take it to the next level.

00:02:20.000 You gotta get the word out there.

00:02:22.000 Brian, I lost my sound in my ear.

00:02:25.000 Whatever you were just doing.

00:02:26.000 Sound in your ear.

00:02:27.000 Alright.

00:02:29.000 Okay.

00:02:30.000 Whatever you just did.

00:02:31.000 You just adjusted something and just lowered something.

00:02:33.000 Right there?

00:02:34.000 That's it.

00:02:35.000 It just turns it off like that?

00:02:36.000 Like off and on?

00:02:37.000 Yeah.

00:02:38.000 Oh, something's not right then.

00:02:39.000 That's weird.

00:02:39.000 I barely touched it.

00:02:41.000 Oh.

00:02:41.000 Well, there's a big difference.

00:02:43.000 We've got to fix that thing.

00:02:44.000 Anyway, whatever.

00:02:45.000 So the Joey Diaz, if you ain't high by 2 in the afternoon, go fuck yourself.

00:02:49.000 The t-shirt's done.

00:02:50.000 The design is ready.

00:02:51.000 It's going to be printed up as soon as we can get it to the shop.

00:02:54.000 It should be any minute now.

00:02:55.000 So I'll let you guys know.

00:02:57.000 And Joe Diaz will be appearing...

00:02:58.000 Where are you at this weekend?

00:03:00.000 This weekend?

00:03:00.000 Nowhere.

00:03:01.000 Nowhere.

00:03:01.000 You're on Friday night.

00:03:02.000 You're in the city.

00:03:03.000 I'm at the Bitter End in New York City on Tuesday at 9 o'clock.

00:03:06.000 What is the Bitter End?

00:03:07.000 The Bitter End is an old rock comedy club that Lenny Bruce and George Carlin and Pryor and...

00:03:13.000 Oh, yeah?

00:03:14.000 Yeah, but the last guy to do it was the guy from The Daily Show.

00:03:17.000 It's a small little rustic place.

00:03:19.000 Yeah, it's a small little rustic place in the village.

00:03:22.000 And the guy's name is Peter Fogle, the guy that I met him during the UFCs.

00:03:25.000 I met him in Columbus.

00:03:27.000 We were both, you guys went in without me.

00:03:29.000 And I had to go.

00:03:30.000 In Columbus, they got a weird airport.

00:03:31.000 You just can't wait on line.

00:03:33.000 You have to get a ticket and wait on fucking line.

00:03:36.000 So I waited an hour and Austin was like, you ain't got no ticket.

00:03:38.000 Neither did he.

00:03:40.000 So he has this look on his face.

00:03:41.000 He's furious.

00:03:42.000 I gotta get to the hotel.

00:03:44.000 You guys are leaving at 4.45.

00:03:46.000 And for some reason, I looked at him, and I'd just seen this pain in his face.

00:03:50.000 And something, I'd never do this, just made me pull back.

00:03:53.000 I'm like, hey, Doug, you need a bud, don't you?

00:03:56.000 And he looked at me like I was Jesus.

00:03:58.000 He goes, how'd you know I left my weed on the fucking counter?

00:04:02.000 And I went in my ball sack and gave this guy a bud right there at the fucking taxi cab line.

00:04:07.000 I gave him a bud.

00:04:08.000 He just looked at it and looked at me like, are you fucking crazy?

00:04:11.000 I was like a spirit that day.

00:04:13.000 Who gives you a line, a bud of fucking...

00:04:16.000 Weed at the airport right there online.

00:04:18.000 Who gives you weed out of their balls? 1.00

00:04:19.000 Yeah, that's the most important part.

00:04:21.000 And who smokes it?

00:04:21.000 That's the craziest thing, right?

00:04:22.000 I would probably deny it.

00:04:24.000 No, that's a cool idea.

00:04:25.000 So I met him at the UFC after that.

00:04:27.000 And every UFC, he's a devote fan.

00:04:30.000 He goes to all of them.

00:04:31.000 He goes to the Q&As.

00:04:32.000 So when we spoke, he asked me if I was coming.

00:04:34.000 I told him I couldn't.

00:04:35.000 And he goes, why don't you do a show at my club down in the village.

00:04:39.000 It's close to Chinatown.

00:04:41.000 So I just killed two birds with one stone.

00:04:42.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:04:43.000 Wow, so you're going to do a show with who?

00:04:45.000 Who's doing it with you?

00:04:46.000 Solo.

00:04:46.000 Solo?

00:04:46.000 It's an album show.

00:04:47.000 It's in between two bands.

00:04:49.000 Holy shit.

00:04:50.000 I'm called Stan Hope.

00:04:50.000 Why not?

00:04:51.000 I like that thing.

00:04:52.000 Wow, I love that.

00:04:54.000 Stan Hope really created a monster with me when he started the not doing the comedy club revolution.

00:05:00.000 Because I really like that.

00:05:01.000 Every once in a while, you've got to step outside the comedy club and just get down.

00:05:05.000 They only seat 260. The tickets are going to go.

00:05:08.000 And everybody's standing?

00:05:09.000 No, no, no, no.

00:05:09.000 They've got little tables.

00:05:11.000 This is an old fucking rock club.

00:05:12.000 Jimi Hendrix, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan.

00:05:16.000 You know, this is old school fucking Jimi Hendrix from the Cafe Waugh.

00:05:20.000 I mean, this is a real deal, little club.

00:05:23.000 So, you know what?

00:05:23.000 I don't want to do nothing in Jersey.

00:05:26.000 For my friends and nothing like that.

00:05:27.000 So I figured, let me go into the city and if I call a calamity club, they're going to break my balls.

00:05:32.000 Calamity club.

00:05:33.000 Yeah, they're going to break my balls. 0.53

00:05:34.000 They're going to put me up at 2 in the fucking morning. 0.97

00:05:36.000 Right.

00:05:36.000 You know, 8.15 when there's nobody there.

00:05:38.000 Why go through the aggravation?

00:05:40.000 It's one-stop shopping.

00:05:41.000 All we have to do is just pump it up on Twitter.

00:05:43.000 We'll pack that place.

00:05:44.000 Oh, it'll be packed.

00:05:45.000 So how do people get tickets if they want to get tickets?

00:05:47.000 There's no tickets.

00:05:48.000 You've got to go that night.

00:05:49.000 Tickets go on sale that night.

00:05:50.000 Old school.

00:05:52.000 Cash?

00:05:52.000 Cash.

00:05:53.000 God damn.

00:05:54.000 I think they take credit.

00:05:55.000 They got a credit card machine?

00:05:56.000 Yeah, they got everything.

00:05:57.000 Wow.

00:05:57.000 So tickets go on sale when you get there.

00:05:59.000 When you get there.

00:06:00.000 You just got to get there.

00:06:01.000 Yeah.

00:06:01.000 That sounds like a pretty good idea.

00:06:02.000 $15.

00:06:03.000 No drama.

00:06:04.000 Come on down, bro.

00:06:05.000 It's a Tuesday night.

00:06:06.000 You know what?

00:06:06.000 I don't want a Friday.

00:06:07.000 You know me, dog.

00:06:08.000 Any fucking Mo Mo can go on a Friday night. 1.00

00:06:10.000 Let me see you get down on a fucking Tuesday night.

00:06:13.000 Old school style.

00:06:14.000 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock show.

00:06:15.000 Get out of there.

00:06:16.000 Go to Chinatown. 1.00

00:06:17.000 That's what I want to do.

00:06:18.000 And then I'm on to Rochester the next day.

00:06:20.000 Shazam.

00:06:21.000 And what are you doing in Rochester?

00:06:22.000 I'm doing a club called The Comedy Club in Rochester, New York, in Webster.

00:06:26.000 It's a great little fucking spot.

00:06:27.000 So that's Wednesday.

00:06:28.000 That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

00:06:30.000 Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

00:06:31.000 It's called the Comedy Club?

00:06:33.000 Couldn't they think of some kind of name?

00:06:35.000 There's nothing else out there but woods.

00:06:37.000 There's nothing up there but woods.

00:06:39.000 Woods and bodies.

00:06:40.000 Frozen bodies.

00:06:41.000 This is my third time.

00:06:43.000 I mean, the first time it was January.

00:06:44.000 That's brutal.

00:06:45.000 I'll never do that shit again.

00:06:47.000 But then now I go at least towards late March.

00:06:51.000 Wouldn't you like to name a comedy club?

00:06:53.000 Wouldn't that be a cool thing?

00:06:55.000 I don't know, I guess.

00:06:56.000 What would you name your comedy?

00:06:58.000 I don't know, like Zartans or something like that.

00:06:59.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:07:02.000 You're a mess.

00:07:03.000 What's going on with you, baby Joe?

00:07:05.000 Nothing, nothing.

00:07:06.000 Your family looks great, man.

00:07:07.000 Thank you.

00:07:08.000 It's amazing to know you a long time and to see what's come of your life.

00:07:11.000 They're fucking beautiful.

00:07:12.000 Thanks, man.

00:07:13.000 It's amazing to have your wife in the Supremes, as I call it.

00:07:16.000 That's what you have up here.

00:07:17.000 You know, like Deanna Ross had the three sisters, the Supremes.

00:07:21.000 Mrs. Rogan has the Supremes. 0.99

00:07:22.000 She's got the three girls. 0.97

00:07:23.000 It's all over for you.

00:07:24.000 You're like the manager.

00:07:25.000 Have they done any dance numbers for you yet?

00:07:26.000 Like choreographed dance numbers?

00:07:28.000 This is great, Joe Rogan.

00:07:29.000 I got tears in my eyes.

00:07:31.000 You have a very, very nice, especially, you know, you didn't grow up in no fucking mansion when you were a kid.

00:07:38.000 You had it, you know.

00:07:39.000 Look at you.

00:07:39.000 It's a great little family you put together.

00:07:41.000 I'm very proud of you.

00:07:42.000 Thanks, man.

00:07:43.000 You don't see this much in men, and he's great with them, isn't he?

00:07:46.000 He's fucking great with them.

00:07:47.000 They love him.

00:07:47.000 They're like, that's big motherfucking daddy Kane Rogan and shit.

00:07:51.000 Joey, I like your hair today.

00:07:52.000 You have really nice hair.

00:07:53.000 It's combed.

00:07:54.000 You look like you're going to court.

00:07:56.000 This is my first commuting look.

00:07:58.000 I'm bringing it back, bitches. 1.00

00:07:59.000 You look like you're on your way to court.

00:08:00.000 Nah, no, there's no...

00:08:01.000 Do you know a fucking cop tried to shake me down today?

00:08:04.000 What?

00:08:05.000 A fucking cop pulled me over today, and I asked, you know, I know they have the camera on the cars.

00:08:09.000 Right.

00:08:09.000 I just ask him, is there any reason why you're pulling me over?

00:08:12.000 He goes, no, no, no.

00:08:12.000 We had you mistaken, then we ran your plate, and you're okay.

00:08:16.000 You're free to go.

00:08:16.000 Then what the fuck are you pulling me over for?

00:08:18.000 I think he was pulling me over to see if I was smoking herb.

00:08:20.000 I don't smoke herb in my car, so you're fucked, guy.

00:08:23.000 Really, you don't think it might have been just exactly what he was saying?

00:08:26.000 That they just got confused?

00:08:27.000 No, I know how he did it.

00:08:28.000 I parked in a different place by my house, and he was on my corner.

00:08:32.000 And as I made a left, I seen how he looked at me.

00:08:35.000 And I was doing the speed limit.

00:08:36.000 I don't fuck around.

00:08:37.000 I went down and by the time I got to hunger, he had made a U-turn and got right behind me.

00:08:42.000 Like, you know when you're looking at your radio and you look up and there's a cop behind you out of the way?

00:08:45.000 Right.

00:08:45.000 But it couldn't have been that he just thought you were somebody else?

00:08:47.000 Maybe he saw your haircut and he was attracted to you.

00:08:50.000 No, he had another guy with him.

00:08:52.000 The fuck is wrong with you, Brian?

00:08:56.000 Strong possibility, Brian.

00:08:57.000 You think so?

00:08:58.000 But no, maybe.

00:08:58.000 I don't know.

00:08:59.000 But I thought I was going to be late.

00:09:00.000 That's why I called you.

00:09:01.000 That's why I called you.

00:09:02.000 I said, this motherfucker's going to pull me over at 10. But what makes you think he was trying to shake you down?

00:09:08.000 Like, did they really do that anymore?

00:09:09.000 No, no, not shaking you down.

00:09:10.000 Shake me down, see?

00:09:11.000 Yeah, let me see what's in your pockets.

00:09:13.000 Just see what's going on.

00:09:15.000 Maybe he thought I was smoking dope in the car.

00:09:17.000 Right.

00:09:17.000 You know, and then when he was...

00:09:18.000 You just look like a dude who would be smoking pot in the car.

00:09:20.000 Yeah, I think that's what it was.

00:09:22.000 No smoking in the car.

00:09:23.000 Sopranos, he's got weed. 0.69

00:09:24.000 Joe, you would smoke in the car everywhere.

00:09:26.000 You would smoke in the car in fucking Texas.

00:09:28.000 And I'm like, dude, this is not a smart move.

00:09:32.000 And they would give me a hard time.

00:09:33.000 Don't smoke in the car.

00:09:34.000 Don't smoke in the car, Joe Rogan.

00:09:36.000 Don't smoke in the car.

00:09:37.000 You guys want to go to jail?

00:09:39.000 I don't do it.

00:09:39.000 This is not California.

00:09:41.000 I don't do it because of that.

00:09:42.000 I just don't do it because sometimes in the daytime, I don't need to be that fucking stoned.

00:09:46.000 I already get stoned in the morning.

00:09:47.000 That's good enough.

00:09:48.000 If I take weed with me in the car, I'd be a mess.

00:09:50.000 It's not a smart move.

00:09:52.000 It is funny how California makes you totally forget that.

00:09:54.000 Like in Ohio, I was...

00:09:56.000 I was paranoid about smoking weed anywhere.

00:09:58.000 Like, I would clean up the seeds from my car.

00:10:00.000 I mean, I was like, now I fucking feel like it's like that everywhere.

00:10:03.000 That's why there's state's laws. 0.97

00:10:04.000 I mean, that's how it's supposed to be.

00:10:06.000 I mean, it's not supposed to be that someone can stop you from doing it, but it is supposed to be that some places can decide it's okay.

00:10:10.000 What happened in West Hollywood last night?

00:10:12.000 Did you hear about this?

00:10:13.000 I heard nothing.

00:10:14.000 All these weed stores got raided.

00:10:16.000 Yes.

00:10:16.000 And one of them caught fire.

00:10:18.000 Ari's weed store is gone.

00:10:21.000 Zen Weed or something like that.

00:10:22.000 No!

00:10:22.000 Yeah.

00:10:23.000 It's gone.

00:10:24.000 There's a sign that says it's closed forever or something like that.

00:10:27.000 Wow.

00:10:28.000 And I heard that one of the places they set on fire.

00:10:31.000 Whoa.

00:10:32.000 I don't know if it was the Grow Yard or whatever, but there was one place on fire.

00:10:37.000 Zen fucking...

00:10:38.000 Whatever.

00:10:38.000 The best Jolly Rancher candies you will ever eat in your life.

00:10:44.000 I was eating them, popping them with Ralphie Mae like they were candy.

00:10:47.000 He bought a bag of them this fucking big.

00:10:49.000 And by the third one, I'm at the sushi place and I didn't even know where the fuck I was.

00:10:53.000 Do you guys realize how alien this conversation is to most people listening all over the world?

00:10:58.000 We had this conversation at 8.30 in the morning, you and I. I called you and I said, you know, as a kid, you expect jetpacks and you expect people going to Mars and shit.

00:11:06.000 Never did I thought in any of my youth that at 8 in the morning I would be at a Wii store eating bagels and smoking dope next to an attorney and a construction fucking worker on their way to work.

00:11:16.000 Yeah, and a cop.

00:11:19.000 Fucking cops have medical marijuana licenses out here. 0.98

00:11:21.000 They do?

00:11:22.000 I think so.

00:11:23.000 I think they're allowed to.

00:11:24.000 I don't think you can.

00:11:24.000 I don't think you can piss clean.

00:11:26.000 You have to piss clean.

00:11:28.000 You do?

00:11:29.000 Yeah, I mean, to get signed up for the force.

00:11:31.000 I mean, I don't think they're allowed to test them.

00:11:34.000 I shouldn't be talking out of my ass because I don't know what kind of testing they do once they're in office or once they're on the job.

00:11:40.000 But to get to be a cop, I'm sure they must have to piss test you.

00:11:44.000 I think at the beginning of something, they do psychological and all that shit to you.

00:11:47.000 You know what, man?

00:11:48.000 Look, there's too many fucking restrictions if you're a guy who's just got a fucking job, all right?

00:11:55.000 If you're just a guy who works at UPS and, you know, you got a decent management job and you like it, and you got to fucking piss into a cup every couple months, so you can't even enjoy yourself at your brother's wedding.

00:12:07.000 Everyone's sitting around smoking a joint, listening to some good songs, and you got to stand over there by the fan.

00:12:12.000 Like a fucking...

00:12:13.000 Yeah, you worry that shit's going to get in your hair.

00:12:15.000 The fuck, man?

00:12:17.000 That's nonsense.

00:12:19.000 If you get high, you're only high for like two hours at the most.

00:12:22.000 And then it goes away.

00:12:23.000 Unless you're really high.

00:12:24.000 Unless you eat it.

00:12:25.000 And even then, what the fuck?

00:12:27.000 By the time you get to work, most likely you'll be sober.

00:12:29.000 If you ate so much weed that you're still high the next day...

00:12:32.000 Have you ever been high in the car, guys, and something happens that you go, that was close?

00:12:38.000 Like you missed an accident or somebody was next to you and you just put the blinker on and went.

00:12:44.000 Yeah, I've done that so much when I'm not high though, so I can't really judge if I would have done that regardless if I was high or not.

00:12:52.000 You know, like something where you're looking down at your shoe or something like that.

00:12:55.000 Like, what's on my shoe?

00:12:56.000 I never do that.

00:12:58.000 You never caught yourself high and slipped and said, wow, that fucking was close or something.

00:13:04.000 No, no.

00:13:05.000 I'm very conscious of two things.

00:13:07.000 I don't drive if I'm high like that.

00:13:09.000 And I don't ever not pay attention to the road.

00:13:12.000 Paying attention to the road is very important to me.

00:13:14.000 I always pay attention to the road.

00:13:14.000 You never catch me texting.

00:13:16.000 I don't text in my car.

00:13:17.000 Get the fuck out of here.

00:13:18.000 I was in a car once with a chick. 1.00

00:13:21.000 She was a publicist for one of the clubs and she was driving me to radio. 0.72

00:13:25.000 And she's fucking texting on the highway. 0.98

00:13:28.000 On the highway!

00:13:30.000 You got that kind of control over your car, really?

00:13:33.000 You hit a rock and that steering wheel twists to the right and you got this?

00:13:37.000 You got this.

00:13:38.000 You're really paying attention to what you see in front of you?

00:13:41.000 Are you crazy?

00:13:41.000 We're going 80 miles an hour.

00:13:43.000 I had to tell her to stop. 0.84

00:13:45.000 I said, please stop doing that.

00:13:46.000 If you're going to text, let me drive.

00:13:49.000 Don't do it.

00:13:50.000 It's fucking not worth it.

00:13:52.000 It's not worth it.

00:13:52.000 But for a lot of people, man, it's too goddamn easy.

00:13:55.000 It's too tempting.

00:13:56.000 It's right there.

00:13:57.000 My car has a little thing.

00:13:59.000 BMW has this little knob that you dial the phone from all this.

00:14:04.000 So your address book shows up on a screen.

00:14:07.000 You can scroll through it.

00:14:08.000 So you never have to take your eyes off the road.

00:14:11.000 You're right there with the whole thing.

00:14:13.000 Yeah, but you're still typing something.

00:14:13.000 Yeah, very little.

00:14:14.000 Ford has a button, you just go, dial Joe Rogan.

00:14:16.000 We have that, too.

00:14:17.000 BMW has that, too.

00:14:18.000 They all have that now.

00:14:19.000 But my point is, even that's tricky.

00:14:21.000 Even that, you've got to watch what the fuck you're doing when you're clicking yes and okay.

00:14:25.000 But at least you're looking ahead, and you're getting the peripheral in there.

00:14:29.000 At least you're getting a decent vision.

00:14:32.000 But man, fucking people who text their car freak me out.

00:14:35.000 I see it all the time.

00:14:36.000 You're hurling a giant metal machine 70, 80 miles an hour around a bunch of other ones.

00:14:44.000 And you're not even fucking paying attention, you cunt. 0.99

00:14:47.000 Do you think eventually us as a race is going to get to the point where that is just common?

00:14:52.000 Like you can do it super easy.

00:14:54.000 Like you just get trained.

00:14:55.000 No, the input's ineffective.

00:14:57.000 There'll be another input.

00:14:58.000 I mean, it's going to get to some sort of a neural input at that point.

00:15:01.000 Right.

00:15:01.000 But, you know, that's all coming.

00:15:03.000 You know, we're resisting all of that.

00:15:05.000 But, I mean, look, everything we've got today is fucking witchcraft 300 years ago.

00:15:10.000 It's witchcraft! 1.00

00:15:10.000 Witchcraft. 1.00

00:15:11.000 Total witchcraft.

00:15:11.000 An iPhone is sorcery, man.

00:15:13.000 That shit, it would fucking burn you at the stake if you showed up with an iPhone.

00:15:17.000 And now it's here.

00:15:18.000 What comes next?

00:15:19.000 We're going to have to get over this human-machine interface.

00:15:23.000 We're going to have to get over the idea of implants.

00:15:25.000 People are going to have shit implanted into their body, and you're going to be able to communicate with other machines and other people who have chips planted in their body.

00:15:34.000 The human body will become a computer.

00:15:36.000 My buddy, I'm laughing because my buddy has a joke that he did in Texas.

00:15:39.000 He did a one-nighter in a club in a part of Texas that was so backwards that the opening act was a magician and they thought he was a devil worshipper.

00:15:50.000 Because he was doing magic?

00:15:51.000 Yeah, he was doing magic.

00:15:53.000 It is one of the funniest bits, and he goes, Joey, it was a night from hell.

00:15:57.000 He goes, they were all like white Christians, and this guy was in there making birds disappear and shit, and they thought he was the devil.

00:16:03.000 They were like, get that devil out of the building.

00:16:05.000 They paid him and asked him to fucking leave.

00:16:07.000 That's beautiful.

00:16:09.000 That's hilarious.

00:16:12.000 I thought he was the fucking devil.

00:16:14.000 You know, man, this is the thing about religion.

00:16:16.000 You can tell me you believe in God all day, but as soon as you start talking about the devil, holy shit, did you throw yourself in a box?

00:16:23.000 Because you can't be all spiritual.

00:16:25.000 Even spiritual people are like, well, I didn't believe in religion, but I'm very spiritual, and I definitely believe in God.

00:16:32.000 But they don't go, well, the devil's real.

00:16:34.000 I'm pretty sure of that.

00:16:36.000 Pretty sure the devil's real.

00:16:38.000 What?

00:16:39.000 What?

00:16:39.000 He lives underground, Joe.

00:16:40.000 The devil.

00:16:41.000 Come on the fuck on. 0.98

00:16:44.000 Come on.

00:16:44.000 Really?

00:16:45.000 Come on the fuck on. 0.98

00:16:45.000 You can't fucking say you believe in the devil. 0.98

00:16:48.000 That's where people draw the line.

00:16:50.000 When you're saying you believe in the devil, you're just going deep, deep, deep.

00:16:54.000 You're going fire, brimstone, fucking dragons.

00:16:57.000 The Exorcist was on this morning.

00:16:58.000 I cried in the fucking morning.

00:17:00.000 I get back, and I'm just going through the channels.

00:17:02.000 I put the news on, and it was like Spike from last night watching the UFC countdown.

00:17:07.000 And I'm like...

00:17:08.000 Is this the fucking Exorcist at 9.05 in the morning?

00:17:12.000 Spike has lost their goddamn mind. 1.00

00:17:15.000 It was on Spike, bro.

00:17:16.000 There's people that don't have this in perspective because it's 2011 and you've had some amazing fucking Avatar-type movies.

00:17:24.000 They're on such another level now than they were back then.

00:17:27.000 But when The Exorcist came out, dude, that was the scariest movie of all time.

00:17:34.000 When that little girl spun her head around and started stabbing herself with a crucifix going, your mother sucks cocks in hell, and it's meat. 1.00

00:17:44.000 She's stabbing into the meat of her pussy with a crumb. 1.00

00:17:49.000 It was brutal.

00:17:51.000 I'm going to tell you something.

00:17:51.000 I watched the movie this morning for 20 minutes while I was making breakfast.

00:17:54.000 And I sat there and it got me.

00:17:57.000 I had to turn it off and get the fuck out of the room.

00:17:59.000 It's a brilliant movie.

00:18:00.000 They find the devil in Africa.

00:18:02.000 They find that little devil in Africa. 0.99

00:18:04.000 And that's why I feel that Africa's always fucked. 1.00

00:18:06.000 Because that devil, they found the map.

00:18:08.000 Africa's never looked back. 1.00

00:18:10.000 There's always something going on in Africa. 1.00

00:18:11.000 Always something, dog.

00:18:13.000 Somebody's getting killed.

00:18:14.000 There's a war.

00:18:16.000 Oh, Egypt, this, that. 0.89

00:18:18.000 Think about it.

00:18:18.000 Look at Africa.

00:18:19.000 Every week they got fucking something.

00:18:20.000 Except this week, my prayers go down to fucking Japanese people. 1.00

00:18:23.000 It's crazy.

00:18:24.000 Every day, that gets crazier and crazier with that.

00:18:26.000 But, you know, this exorcist was brilliant.

00:18:29.000 Watch the fucking movie with no interruption. 0.67

00:18:31.000 Yeah, no, it's a brilliant movie.

00:18:32.000 You know, they had a lot of problems on that movie.

00:18:35.000 Yeah.

00:18:35.000 Like, a lot of problems.

00:18:36.000 Like, a lot of weird things that the studio burnt down.

00:18:39.000 It was just fucking crazy.

00:18:41.000 You know that guy, the guy I named my cat after?

00:18:43.000 There's a cat in there.

00:18:44.000 When she's in the rocking chair, she keeps telling the priest, Dimi, that priest that used to be a boxer?

00:18:49.000 Right.

00:18:49.000 That's Jackie Gleason's motherfucking son-in-law.

00:18:53.000 Really?

00:18:54.000 That's a...

00:18:54.000 Shit.

00:18:56.000 Whatever's father in real life.

00:18:57.000 He's an actor.

00:18:58.000 The kid's an actor.

00:18:59.000 But that guy never...

00:19:00.000 Demetrius.

00:19:00.000 Remember his name was Demetrius?

00:19:02.000 And she used to call him Demon.

00:19:03.000 Demon.

00:19:03.000 Why you do this to me?

00:19:04.000 And that was the boxer.

00:19:05.000 That was the boxer priest.

00:19:06.000 The priest.

00:19:07.000 Yeah.

00:19:08.000 And at the end he just beats the fuck out of the devil.

00:19:10.000 He got him down.

00:19:11.000 He's like...

00:19:13.000 And Linda Blair's taken out of the bottom position. 1.00

00:19:15.000 And then she just throws him out the window. 1.00

00:19:17.000 He just goes out the fucking window.

00:19:19.000 It's a brilliant movie.

00:19:20.000 They can't do that shit ever again.

00:19:22.000 They don't have that kind of writing.

00:19:24.000 They don't have that.

00:19:24.000 Well, it hadn't been done yet.

00:19:27.000 So when it was done, they went so far with it, too.

00:19:31.000 You tell me there wasn't some arguments about whether or not they should have her stab herself in the pussy with a cross. 1.00

00:19:36.000 There must have been some studio conversations back then.

00:19:39.000 It's 1972, people.

00:19:41.000 Who the fuck...

00:19:42.000 She's screaming, your mother sucks cocks in hell. 1.00

00:19:45.000 And she's stabbing herself in the pussy. 1.00

00:19:47.000 Yeah, that had to have been crazy.

00:19:49.000 How'd they even get that passed?

00:19:51.000 But here's the part I was watching today that was brilliant.

00:19:54.000 When the devil's first coming into the house, there's a fight one night in her house. 0.98

00:19:59.000 She's an actress, the mother, and she's having a party.

00:20:02.000 And the guy's German, the waiter, and the guy keeps saying something to him, you fucking Nazi. 0.90

00:20:07.000 And two days later, they find the guy in the bottom of the stairway with his neck twisted.

00:20:12.000 And they couldn't figure out.

00:20:13.000 I mean, it's a deep...

00:20:14.000 The exorcist is a lot deeper.

00:20:16.000 Remember when she goes up to the astronaut?

00:20:17.000 She goes, you're gonna die up there.

00:20:20.000 Yes.

00:20:21.000 That was like the first creepy little girl.

00:20:23.000 Like, in movies, there's never...

00:20:25.000 I mean, the Stephen King, the twins, and Shining, those are creepy little girls.

00:20:29.000 Those are kind of interesting.

00:20:30.000 You know, the one...

00:20:30.000 What is that?

00:20:31.000 The Japanese one? 1.00

00:20:32.000 What is that one?

00:20:33.000 Oh, uh...

00:20:34.000 The fuck is it?

00:20:35.000 The, uh...

00:20:36.000 The TV girl.

00:20:38.000 Yeah, the fucking...

00:20:39.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:20:40.000 The girl with the TV that crawls out the TV and...

00:20:43.000 God damn it.

00:20:44.000 They did an American version of it too, right?

00:20:46.000 Didn't they?

00:20:47.000 Whatever it is.

00:20:48.000 The spooky little scary Japanese girl. 1.00

00:20:50.000 I would have sex with her. 1.00

00:20:51.000 In the movies.

00:20:51.000 Would you?

00:20:51.000 Yeah.

00:20:52.000 You would, you fucking idiot.

00:20:53.000 She got Linda Blair.

00:20:54.000 Linda that movie.

00:20:55.000 Let me tell you some of that movie.

00:20:56.000 Like all these little twins.

00:20:58.000 What's her name?

00:20:59.000 The little twins that did Full House.

00:21:01.000 Like, oh my god.

00:21:02.000 They were on TV. They never got to have a childhood.

00:21:05.000 Bitch, Linda Blair was putting a cross in her pussy at the age of 12. Somebody went to Linda Blair and said, Linda, hi, can you sit down for a second with your mother in the room? 1.00

00:21:14.000 In this film, we want you to take a fucking cross and put it in your little twat and say, your mother sucks cocks in hell. 1.00

00:21:21.000 Can you say that?

00:21:21.000 Repeat that to me.

00:21:22.000 This movie fucked her up so much, she ended up hanging out with Rick James 20 years later.

00:21:27.000 Was she not done?

00:21:28.000 She never recovered from that film.

00:21:30.000 That was one of the...

00:21:31.000 How could she?

00:21:32.000 How could you do a movie when you're 12 where you're stabbing yourself in the pussy with a cross? 0.98

00:21:37.000 How could you do that and then expect to be normal?

00:21:39.000 Mother sucks cocks in hell. 1.00

00:21:40.000 Yeah, and she's screaming it. 0.99

00:21:41.000 Mother sucks cocks. 1.00

00:21:42.000 Mother sucks cocks in hell. 1.00

00:21:44.000 And that crazy voice, that was the first original really scary movie.

00:21:50.000 Because there have been monster movies before, like Dracula and shit, but there was nothing that seemed real.

00:21:55.000 Creepshow was my scary one.

00:21:57.000 That was a great one.

00:21:58.000 I never saw Exorcist as a kid.

00:22:00.000 I saw it as an adult.

00:22:01.000 But Creepshow fucking used to freak me out.

00:22:04.000 Used to play on the old HBO all the time.

00:22:06.000 Remember HBO? Creepshow was great.

00:22:09.000 Nightmare on Elm Street, the first one, fucked my world up a little bit.

00:22:11.000 Yeah, that was a good one.

00:22:12.000 The tongue comes out of the phone.

00:22:13.000 That's brilliant, bro.

00:22:14.000 That's fucking brilliant.

00:22:15.000 I don't give a fuck what anybody says.

00:22:17.000 When he goes to pick that up and that little tongue starts moving...

00:22:19.000 We were talking about this the other day, but The Silence of the Lambs still fucking holds up.

00:22:23.000 There's a few movies that still...

00:22:25.000 At night, they're going to do a thing on A&E. I've seen it before about the making of that.

00:22:28.000 Yeah.

00:22:29.000 How much went into that?

00:22:30.000 How much of his character?

00:22:31.000 That movie's a work of art.

00:22:32.000 She's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:22:33.000 She's a bad... 1.00

00:22:34.000 She's so badass, even when she's nervous.

00:22:37.000 She's talking to him, like Mr. Lecter, her nervousness is so fucking real.

00:22:44.000 She must have made herself nervous for that.

00:22:46.000 The way she's doing it, these are little weird twitches in your lip that you can't even fake.

00:22:52.000 You would literally have to be nervous to be having these little twitches and quivers in your mouth as she's communicating.

00:22:58.000 She's having a hard time getting it out.

00:23:00.000 She's brilliant, dude.

00:23:02.000 And him and her together?

00:23:03.000 Jesus fucking Christ.

00:23:04.000 Anthony Hopkins?

00:23:05.000 Come on, man.

00:23:06.000 Who are you kidding?

00:23:07.000 There's so much about that movie that was so badass.

00:23:10.000 The way he got out of the jail.

00:23:12.000 The way he tricked them and got out of the jail.

00:23:14.000 The suspension of disbelief.

00:23:16.000 You don't need much of it.

00:23:16.000 When he's Spider-Man, he threw his cum at her.

00:23:18.000 Remember?

00:23:19.000 Yeah.

00:23:19.000 Migs.

00:23:20.000 Migs. 0.99

00:23:21.000 That was my nickname from one friend, my friend John Tobin.

00:23:26.000 He used to call me Migs because of that.

00:23:28.000 Why?

00:23:29.000 I have no idea.

00:23:29.000 He's fucking crazy.

00:23:30.000 Bro, he made Migs kill himself. 0.60

00:23:32.000 Yeah.

00:23:32.000 He talked to him to kill himself.

00:23:35.000 Yeah.

00:23:35.000 Nobody's done that since Robert Duvall in Godfather 2, when he talked Freddy Fivefinger's angles into killing himself in the tub.

00:23:42.000 Remember, he goes to visit them in jail, and he goes, at the end of the party, the Romans would get together and eat fruit, and then they'd slice their fucking wrists, and the next day they're playing cards. 0.55

00:23:51.000 And what's his name?

00:23:52.000 He cut himself in the tub.

00:23:54.000 That's a fight.

00:23:54.000 Holy shit, I forgot about that.

00:23:56.000 Godfather 2 is one of the few movies where it was just as good as Godfather 1. Or good enough for me, at least.

00:24:02.000 There's very few that are like that.

00:24:04.000 What a great fucking film.

00:24:05.000 Never seen any of them.

00:24:06.000 Like, Alien 1 and Alien 2 is debatable.

00:24:11.000 Because, like, this Alien 2 was kind of fun, because there was a lot of goddamn aliens, and there was a big, giant fucking alien.

00:24:16.000 It's still pretty badass.

00:24:17.000 But Alien 1 was creepier.

00:24:20.000 It was a different thing.

00:24:22.000 It was scary.

00:24:22.000 You couldn't see it.

00:24:23.000 You didn't know where it was.

00:24:24.000 By the time you saw it, it got you, and it was impossible to kill.

00:24:27.000 But with Alien 2, it's like you're killing them left and right.

00:24:30.000 Like, okay, now this is a totally different thing.

00:24:32.000 It's still awesome.

00:24:32.000 Because these things are stupid now.

00:24:33.000 They were super smart and clever, and they would get you and hide on people.

00:24:38.000 Now, they're killing ten of them before one person gets killed.

00:24:41.000 Like, that's silly.

00:24:42.000 So, if you look at that, but it's still a badass fucking movie.

00:24:46.000 So, I don't think it's as good as Alien 1, but goddamn, it's still one of the best all-time science fiction movies.

00:24:52.000 You know, Alien 2, just Alien 1 was so fucking badass.

00:24:56.000 Yeah.

00:24:57.000 When that shit came out, dude, I remember I went to see that, and the first thing I said when I got out of the theater, I said, fuck Star Wars.

00:25:03.000 Fuck Star Wars.

00:25:05.000 Like, that's like, and I'm a huge Star Wars fan.

00:25:07.000 I saw Star Wars like 13 times when I was a little kid.

00:25:10.000 But when I saw Alien, and I was like, that's what aliens are going to be like, man.

00:25:14.000 It's not going to be like some fucking furry dude with a bandolier on it, a gun.

00:25:19.000 That's not going to be aliens, man.

00:25:21.000 Aliens is going to be some weird parasites that lock onto people and grow inside our bodies and explode out of our She's badass. 1.00

00:25:34.000 When she was young, too.

00:25:36.000 She was fierce.

00:25:37.000 She didn't give a fuck. 1.00

00:25:39.000 There's a few people that make acting worthwhile, and they don't seem to need that much attention.

00:25:43.000 They seem to be pretty fucking...

00:25:45.000 Like that guy, who was the guy in my left foot, Daniel Day-Lewis?

00:25:48.000 That guy.

00:25:49.000 That guy's a brilliant guy.

00:25:49.000 He's a brilliant actor and you barely even fucking hear a peep about that guy.

00:25:53.000 He's never going to events and making a big deal about things and holding press conferences and fucking sitting in talk shows and crossing his legs talking about his fucking vacation.

00:26:04.000 No, no.

00:26:05.000 That guy's hiding in Ireland learning how to box.

00:26:08.000 You know what I mean?

00:26:09.000 He's fucking eating gruel and living in a prison because he's got to be in a prison movie.

00:26:13.000 There's a couple of them that I like to tell.

00:26:14.000 I really respect that part of the ass.

00:26:17.000 He's the baddest motherfucker of all time.

00:26:19.000 Danny Day-Lewis.

00:26:20.000 Between him and Gary Oldman, it's a toss-up.

00:26:23.000 Gary Oldman, even in this stupid Red Riding Hood movie.

00:26:26.000 I went to see Red Riding Hood.

00:26:27.000 Was that good, by the way?

00:26:28.000 I don't think he ever said it was good.

00:26:29.000 It's okay.

00:26:30.000 It was decent.

00:26:31.000 You know what it was?

00:26:31.000 It was entertaining, but it was parts of it where you say, wow, this could have been really good.

00:26:37.000 This could have been really good, but it got a little Twilight-y at the end.

00:26:41.000 It got a lot Twilight-y at the end.

00:26:42.000 But there's parts of it that are, but Gary Oldman's a bad motherfucker.

00:26:46.000 Even in a silly movie, he still comes across like the creepiest motherfucker.

00:26:51.000 He makes you uncomfortable when you see him.

00:26:53.000 Like, ah, shit.

00:26:54.000 That he's here.

00:26:54.000 You feel it when he's in the room.

00:26:56.000 He ain't no fucking cardboard cutout of a villain.

00:26:59.000 He's thinking like a fucking villain.

00:27:02.000 His eyes are lit up like a killer, like for real.

00:27:05.000 There's some dudes that don't know how to do that, or they can't do that.

00:27:08.000 I don't know what it is.

00:27:09.000 I can't do it.

00:27:11.000 I don't know what it is that they do it.

00:27:12.000 I've never been a successful actor.

00:27:14.000 But whatever the fuck it is that those guys have, like Russell Crowe, he's got it too.

00:27:19.000 They can just become somebody.

00:27:21.000 They can just really become someone different than who they are.

00:27:25.000 There's only a few dudes who can do that.

00:27:26.000 But those guys are valuable.

00:27:28.000 Those guys, that's a crazy trick, man.

00:27:31.000 You know what this guy really fucking talks like and it's not weirding you out, but all of a sudden he's got this strange accent.

00:27:38.000 You know what Russell Crowe really talks like, but all of a sudden he's playing some guy from Brooklyn and you buy it?

00:27:44.000 How are you buying into this?

00:27:45.000 Why?

00:27:45.000 Come on, I know what his real voice sounds like, but yet I'm still roped in.

00:27:49.000 He's that good.

00:27:50.000 You know who's the worst?

00:27:51.000 That's why they give him 20 million to fucking move.

00:27:52.000 Yeah, that's why.

00:27:53.000 You know who's the worst at doing that, though?

00:27:54.000 Michael Skage.

00:27:55.000 Michael Skage?

00:27:55.000 Mike Myers?

00:27:56.000 I mean, every single movie is the same fucking character.

00:27:58.000 Exactly.

00:27:59.000 Well, it's different.

00:28:00.000 He's a sketch guy, bro.

00:28:02.000 These fucking actors.

00:28:03.000 Listen, there's some motherfucking actors that could act their fucking ass off.

00:28:06.000 And when they're around you, you know it.

00:28:08.000 Denzel, Marlon Brando, the chick from The Postman Always Rings Twice, that Jessica Lange.

00:28:14.000 Them bitches were treacherous. 1.00

00:28:17.000 These fucking little bitches today couldn't deal with them. 1.00

00:28:19.000 These actors today hanging out at the fucking...

00:28:22.000 on Hollywood.

00:28:22.000 You think half of these motherfuckers could run with Marlon Brando when he was slinging dick in his day?

00:28:27.000 Are you fucking kidding me?

00:28:28.000 They went down on...

00:28:30.000 What's that movie he did down on the island when he met...

00:28:32.000 When he, before he bought the island.

00:28:33.000 Island of Dr. Moreau.

00:28:34.000 No, the one before that, where the treasure, when Warner Brothers said, yeah, go down there, have a blast.

00:28:40.000 They went down, he wasn't even directing, he was banging fucking chicks, 10 at a time. 0.58

00:28:44.000 He had some water boy fucking filming the fucking movie. 0.77

00:28:46.000 He had footage of there with boats going by.

00:28:50.000 They're like, Marlon, what the fuck you been doing down here for eight months?

00:28:53.000 They weren't even going to give the Godfather because of that.

00:28:55.000 They were like, we don't even want to hear that fucking name.

00:28:58.000 That guy blew eight months of our life.

00:29:01.000 We went down in his wildlife and he's drawing pictures.

00:29:04.000 We're sending checks down here.

00:29:06.000 He bought a fucking island.

00:29:07.000 Did he really?

00:29:08.000 You don't know about that?

00:29:09.000 Well, I know he lived on an island, right?

00:29:11.000 And then for Superman, they're trying to call him up, come back.

00:29:13.000 He's like, listen, I read the script, send me a hundred grand.

00:29:16.000 You had to pay him to read a script.

00:29:18.000 Wow.

00:29:19.000 20 grand to read it.

00:29:20.000 You want him to show up?

00:29:21.000 That's 100 grand for a meeting.

00:29:23.000 I gotta come off the island, dog.

00:29:24.000 So 20 grand to read, 100 grand to show up?

00:29:26.000 Well, I think they hated him when he died.

00:29:28.000 He had been pissing him off for 30 fucking years.

00:29:31.000 And they couldn't do nothing.

00:29:32.000 Bro, the guy showed up at the Oscars.

00:29:34.000 Didn't even show up.

00:29:35.000 He sent an Indian. 0.99

00:29:38.000 Go online and look at it.

00:29:40.000 She's up there fucking booing her and shit. 1.00

00:29:42.000 This guy last week at the...

00:29:44.000 Oh, well, what's his little fag name? 1.00

00:29:46.000 Anne Hathaway and the guy.

00:29:48.000 What happened?

00:29:49.000 Bitch, you go back to... 1.00

00:29:50.000 I don't know what happened.

00:29:50.000 What happened?

00:29:50.000 No, nothing happened.

00:29:51.000 There were people complaining online that he wasn't funny.

00:29:54.000 Bitch, you go back to... 1.00

00:29:55.000 Oh, was it James Franco?

00:29:56.000 Yeah, when Marlon Brando sent a fucking Indian with a feather in their hat to pick up his Oscar. 1.00

00:30:01.000 They were booing her.

00:30:02.000 That's real Hollywood.

00:30:03.000 Steve McQueen.

00:30:05.000 We've had this conversation.

00:30:06.000 Well, that was their only outlet to express themselves back then.

00:30:09.000 They didn't have Twitter or the internet or anything like that.

00:30:11.000 You couldn't stage a protest.

00:30:12.000 What?

00:30:12.000 Express yourself!

00:30:14.000 If you wanted to do something, you wanted to protest something.

00:30:16.000 In public.

00:30:17.000 Yeah, you had to do it during an award show, like on television.

00:30:20.000 That's crazy.

00:30:20.000 That's the only way for people to see it.

00:30:21.000 I've never thought about that.

00:30:22.000 You're completely right.

00:30:23.000 Not only that, people wouldn't re-see it.

00:30:25.000 How do you re-see it?

00:30:26.000 Right.

00:30:26.000 There was no re-seeing shit like that.

00:30:28.000 So you had to make, like, if you wanted to make a stand, making public stands was very important back then.

00:30:33.000 It's the only way you had a voice.

00:30:34.000 Fuckin' Marlon Brando.

00:30:35.000 Put more Indians in the movies. 1.00

00:30:36.000 You know those black guys at the Olympics?

00:30:39.000 They held their fists up with the black gloves on.

00:30:42.000 The black power fist, you know? 0.99

00:30:45.000 They're tired of being fucking treated like they're shit their whole life, and finally they get to do something.

00:30:49.000 They win the Olympics, and they're like, look, bitch, stop with all this nonsense, all this racial hatred. 0.83

00:30:55.000 And then everybody looked at it as if they're racist, what they're doing.

00:30:59.000 Oh, they're black separatists. 0.96

00:31:00.000 Oh, they're dangerous.

00:31:01.000 That's a reaction.

00:31:02.000 It's a reaction to the society that they lived in.

00:31:04.000 And where else were they going to make that protest?

00:31:07.000 That's exactly the right place to do it.

00:31:09.000 They did it subtle enough for me.

00:31:10.000 They hold their fucking fist up in the air.

00:31:12.000 That's subtle enough for me.

00:31:14.000 I'm talking about that message that they sent in 1960-something.

00:31:19.000 What is he saying?

00:31:19.000 I don't even got a song like that.

00:31:21.000 Raise your fist to the music.

00:31:23.000 United we stand, yet invited we fall.

00:31:25.000 Together, we can't stand tall.

00:31:27.000 Brother's gonna work it out sometime.

00:31:30.000 Sometime realized.

00:31:32.000 It's super bad.

00:31:33.000 What's up, B? Man of a thousand bitches. 1.00

00:31:37.000 Look at him.

00:31:37.000 I'm watching you, Brian.

00:31:40.000 Incorrect.

00:31:40.000 He's a very loyal, loyal boy.

00:31:43.000 Shit, he's a slinging dick.

00:31:44.000 He's breaking everybody's records.

00:31:46.000 He's got that pop star hair thing going on.

00:31:48.000 I'm telling you, he's looking like...

00:31:49.000 Whatever.

00:31:50.000 He's looking like...

00:31:51.000 Whatever.

00:31:52.000 I'm so good.

00:31:53.000 Whatever.

00:31:54.000 I'm going to a food truck.

00:31:56.000 What the fuck, Brian?

00:31:59.000 What's up with these food trucks?

00:32:01.000 I don't know if it's like this everywhere, but in LA, food trucks have attacked LA. Now, food trucks are so popular, they have Twitters, where you can go on Twitter and find out where the truck is.

00:32:11.000 On Melrose the other day, the whole street was just food trucks lined up and thousands of people everywhere.

00:32:17.000 This is a new recent trend, right?

00:32:19.000 Yeah.

00:32:19.000 Yeah, brand new.

00:32:20.000 It's perfect for LA because the Momos are out there with their Twitter.

00:32:25.000 Where is he?

00:32:26.000 Oh my God, we can't live without the food.

00:32:27.000 The food's okay.

00:32:28.000 The grilled cheese one, have you been there?

00:32:29.000 The grilled cheese one's good.

00:32:30.000 And there's another one that's poppers, toppers?

00:32:34.000 God damn!

00:32:35.000 And they don't pay rent.

00:32:36.000 There's no overheads.

00:32:37.000 The food's very cheap.

00:32:38.000 Wow.

00:32:39.000 You know, it's not bad.

00:32:40.000 It's pretty badass.

00:32:41.000 They have them in front of Skinny's on Thursday night.

00:32:42.000 They have an open mic in Skinny's.

00:32:44.000 You go in there and do comedy.

00:32:45.000 And on the way out, they got these fucking trucks everywhere.

00:32:48.000 Wow.

00:32:49.000 I see those Mexican ones, and I don't take the chance. 1.00

00:32:52.000 No, those are like upgraded.

00:32:54.000 Nowadays, it's like a restaurant.

00:32:56.000 I think about taking a chance, though.

00:32:58.000 Sometimes, like there's El Tapatio in the valley.

00:33:00.000 I want to take you there if you want to go get some real Mexican food.

00:33:04.000 Where was it?

00:33:04.000 El Tapatio.

00:33:05.000 Yeah, they're always good.

00:33:05.000 It's legit, dude.

00:33:07.000 Where was this?

00:33:07.000 It's legit.

00:33:09.000 I think it's in Woodland Hills.

00:33:10.000 Okay.

00:33:11.000 It's on Van Owen or something like that.

00:33:14.000 That place is legit.

00:33:16.000 Dude, they're pork tacos, carnitas.

00:33:18.000 Oh, delicious.

00:33:19.000 Oh! 0.60

00:33:21.000 They have that big, dirty bowl of pickled jalapenos and carrots just sitting out there.

00:33:27.000 Anybody can just stick their fucking hands in there.

00:33:29.000 No one cares.

00:33:31.000 Big little plate of jalapenos and radishes and shit like that.

00:33:35.000 Those jalapenos will fuck your world up. 1.00

00:33:38.000 These are jalapenos they grew.

00:33:40.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:33:40.000 They grew these shits in their backyard.

00:33:43.000 They got these new jalapenos.

00:33:44.000 They don't make your ass burn like just when you're shitting.

00:33:47.000 They stay there all day.

00:33:48.000 It's like a subtle fucking burn to remind you.

00:33:51.000 All day you're in the bathroom triple wiping because you think you didn't wipe right.

00:33:54.000 You think you have like the second remorse coming out of your muffler.

00:33:56.000 But these new jalapenos, bro, they burn your ass all fucking day. 0.97

00:34:00.000 New jalapenos?

00:34:01.000 I had this last week or two.

00:34:02.000 My asshole was on fire all fucking day.

00:34:05.000 I'm done with that stuff.

00:34:06.000 What, you don't eat the Mexican food?

00:34:07.000 No, I'm done with jalapenos.

00:34:08.000 That shit just fucks me up too much.

00:34:10.000 Dude, I make...

00:34:11.000 I have carne asada burritos with fresh jalapenos and I chop them up in there and I chop up like a whole pepper and a half and then in one burrito and it just fucking cleans the whole system out, son.

00:34:23.000 Oh! 0.60

00:34:25.000 Tears are coming down your eyes, your tongue's on fire, but goddamn your body's like, it gets like a nice jolt.

00:34:31.000 It feels like you're fucking dusting off all the bullshit.

00:34:34.000 Yeah.

00:34:35.000 You don't get into it, huh?

00:34:37.000 Sitting out half a quart of blood.

00:34:38.000 Brian likes mashed potatoes.

00:34:39.000 Mashed potatoes and meatloaf.

00:34:40.000 No gravy, please.

00:34:42.000 Thank you.

00:34:42.000 Do you have milk?

00:34:43.000 Mashed potatoes and meatloaf.

00:34:44.000 Do you have whole milk?

00:34:45.000 I had a piece of mashed meatloaf from last night on white bread, Wonder Bread.

00:34:49.000 Shit.

00:34:51.000 With a little ketchup on that motherfucker. 1.00

00:34:53.000 Stop it.

00:34:53.000 Here's another strong place to eat.

00:34:55.000 There's a place called Chicks out here in the valley.

00:34:57.000 And I think that's in Calabasas.

00:35:00.000 Maybe.

00:35:00.000 Somewhere around there.

00:35:01.000 Anyway, this fucking place has made their own rotisserie.

00:35:06.000 They throw wood in it.

00:35:07.000 It's a wood-burning rotisserie.

00:35:08.000 Family-owned.

00:35:09.000 They've owned this place fucking forever.

00:35:10.000 You have to pay cash.

00:35:12.000 Yeah.

00:35:12.000 You've been there before.

00:35:13.000 You have to pay cash.

00:35:14.000 They don't have credit card machines.

00:35:15.000 Fuck you.

00:35:15.000 Cash.

00:35:16.000 And they got this fucking brisket sandwich, dude.

00:35:20.000 Oh! 0.60

00:35:21.000 It's a barbecued brisket with mashed potatoes in the sandwich.

00:35:27.000 There's a layer of mashed potatoes and a layer of this mouth-watering brisket, and it's all in together, and, you know, it's a giant-ass...

00:35:36.000 Dude, I'll take you there after this.

00:35:38.000 You're gonna shit your pants. 0.71

00:35:40.000 I ate it.

00:35:41.000 I ate it two days ago, and I've had irregular shits ever since then.

00:35:44.000 I am so backed up.

00:35:46.000 It's all from this thing.

00:35:48.000 It's giant.

00:35:48.000 It weighs 13 pounds.

00:35:49.000 It's the biggest sandwich you've ever eaten.

00:35:51.000 Tremendous.

00:35:52.000 I shit green, like fluorescent green today, and the only thing I could think of was the mushrooms.

00:35:57.000 It's AIDS. The mushrooms.

00:35:58.000 No, bro.

00:35:59.000 That's Hulk AIDS. My shits tripped.

00:36:00.000 You got Hulk AIDS, bro.

00:36:02.000 You know what's weird when...

00:36:03.000 Never mind, I don't want to talk about that.

00:36:04.000 The fuck, Brian?

00:36:05.000 Talk about it.

00:36:05.000 I shroomed you.

00:36:06.000 Hulk AIDS. I shroomed for my first time in like seven or eight years.

00:36:09.000 I shroomed two days ago.

00:36:10.000 Beautiful.

00:36:11.000 You can call me.

00:36:11.000 Can you get some?

00:36:12.000 I can get shroomed.

00:36:13.000 What the fuck?

00:36:14.000 Are we not on the internet, you cunts?

00:36:16.000 Jesus Christ.

00:36:17.000 You guys are going to get raided?

00:36:18.000 No, we're not going to get any mushrooms.

00:36:20.000 We're talking shiitake.

00:36:20.000 Yeah.

00:36:21.000 We're talking shiitake.

00:36:21.000 You fucking guys are a little too casual.

00:36:23.000 Are you excited about this weekend in New York?

00:36:25.000 Fuck yeah, yeah.

00:36:25.000 I'm excited about New York.

00:36:27.000 Excited to do Opie and Anthony.

00:36:29.000 I'm excited to do the Wayans.

00:36:31.000 Can't wait to do shows at Gotham.

00:36:33.000 Excited about everything, man.

00:36:34.000 You know, I'm sorry I missed you.

00:36:35.000 It was just that I didn't want to ask you.

00:36:38.000 No, it's okay.

00:36:38.000 I didn't really know.

00:36:39.000 And they gave me the rock chest a week when I was there last year.

00:36:42.000 And all of a sudden, I see the UFC is back to this year, so I didn't want to leave for 10 days in a row and ask you.

00:36:46.000 Yeah, no, I understand.

00:36:48.000 No, no worries, man.

00:36:49.000 No worries.

00:36:49.000 And then I said, fuck it, because I wanted to go back, but I didn't want to go back because it's going to be busy in the next couple of weeks.

00:36:54.000 And it's weird because I was telling you that day, I'm going to visit a buddy of mine, and I wanted to tell you the story, just so you didn't know, in 83, you know, I was a fucked up kid, and I was at a bar one night, and this kid came in, and I knew his whole family, I knew his younger brothers, and this kid had gone to the Air Force Academy, where you had one, you got under the train or something once?

00:37:13.000 No, I went to the Olympic Training Center.

00:37:15.000 And his other brother went to Brown, and we used to go visit his brother.

00:37:18.000 His brother used to be there when Kennedy was on campus.

00:37:21.000 They were in the same fucking thing.

00:37:23.000 So we would go up there and watch Jackie O come to the campus, and people would throw shit at her and call her, Jackie O, you cunt. 1.00

00:37:28.000 It was fucking crazy.

00:37:29.000 But just to get back to the story, I wanted to get out of Jersey.

00:37:33.000 You know, I wasn't doing the right thing, you know?

00:37:36.000 He came to me.

00:37:37.000 He's like, you know, I got a place in Colorado if you want to come.

00:37:39.000 He goes, we'll buy a car and drive out.

00:37:41.000 And I was like, I'll give you the money for the car.

00:37:42.000 But I wanted to rob this dude, right?

00:37:45.000 I wanted to rob this drug dealer that used to hide three kilos.

00:37:48.000 They used to deliver three kilos a month to his building and he would hide it in his parking garage.

00:37:54.000 So somebody slipped one night at a party and said that his buddy got three kilos delivered and he didn't want to put the coke in his house.

00:38:00.000 So my plan was to rob the kilos.

00:38:02.000 Now at the time, I used to deal with a loan shark all the time.

00:38:05.000 And he wasn't my friend, but I knew him for years.

00:38:08.000 And I was trying to set him up too.

00:38:10.000 I would make him payments every week.

00:38:11.000 So what I was going to do is rob the drug dealers, give him the five grand I owed him, wait 10 days, and then hit him for 50, and then take off to Colorado and buy a house or whatever I was going to do, right?

00:38:21.000 What?

00:38:21.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:38:22.000 I got lost.

00:38:23.000 Oh, dog, I used to be the real deal.

00:38:25.000 I've been trying to tell you this for years.

00:38:26.000 So you were going to pay him back and then rob him?

00:38:28.000 I was going to pay him back.

00:38:29.000 I used to borrow from this guy constantly.

00:38:31.000 For years, he owned a bar.

00:38:32.000 He was a mob guy.

00:38:34.000 We used to borrow from him constantly, constantly.

00:38:36.000 Like, you fucking borrow $500 for $750.

00:38:39.000 So that was 10 weeks to $75 a week.

00:38:42.000 So people would come to me and say, bro, I'm in a bind with George.

00:38:45.000 I'm in a bind.

00:38:46.000 Can you get me money from George?

00:38:47.000 And I would borrow and I'd get a point every week.

00:38:49.000 So I was lending out money.

00:38:51.000 So altogether, my bill was six grand with him, but it was people that were paying the guy.

00:38:55.000 Do you understand?

00:38:55.000 That's a weird thing, like lending money.

00:38:58.000 Oh, it's amazing.

00:38:58.000 That's an East Coast thing, isn't it?

00:39:00.000 This is huge.

00:39:01.000 This is huge.

00:39:02.000 It's not an East Coast thing.

00:39:03.000 Is it?

00:39:04.000 Everybody loans loan sharks.

00:39:06.000 There's loan sharks in Ohio?

00:39:07.000 Banks are loan sharks.

00:39:08.000 Banks are loan sharks.

00:39:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:39:09.000 21%.

00:39:10.000 It's a loan shark.

00:39:10.000 No, you're right.

00:39:11.000 Some people have a car business and they really, they're in a bind.

00:39:15.000 They're legit people, but they want to buy 10 cars and they don't have the cash on them.

00:39:18.000 But you know what?

00:39:19.000 Goddamn, could you imagine if there was no banks?

00:39:21.000 How much it would suck if you had to carry all your money around with you?

00:39:25.000 What if you had gold?

00:39:26.000 What if you were worth like $50,000 in gold?

00:39:28.000 Oh yeah, carry the fucking sack and there I come with a horse and stab me in the fucking bag. 0.84

00:39:31.000 Yeah, what the fuck?

00:39:32.000 What the fuck?

00:39:33.000 That's when people used to hole up money and dig holes in the dirt and bury shit. 0.99

00:39:38.000 That's why they did it, because they couldn't carry it all.

00:39:40.000 It's stupid.

00:39:41.000 I wonder how much money is buried still.

00:39:42.000 Whatever banks cost, they're worth it.

00:39:44.000 Even when they rip everybody off, God, it would suck if there was no banks.

00:39:47.000 If there was no banks, where's the money?

00:39:51.000 The problem with money is it doesn't really mean anything anymore.

00:39:56.000 It's not like this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold.

00:40:00.000 It's not based on gold anymore.

00:40:02.000 It's based on confidence.

00:40:03.000 You have to believe in the money.

00:40:06.000 It's silly.

00:40:07.000 That's crazy.

00:40:08.000 That's why everyone should just spend it as fast as possible.

00:40:10.000 It doesn't make sense.

00:40:11.000 I mean, gold makes no sense anyway.

00:40:13.000 I mean, even if you get to that, I mean, the fact that everybody was into gold.

00:40:16.000 You know, the only thing that makes sense about gold is that I guess it's rare, you know?

00:40:21.000 You can't just have it.

00:40:23.000 You can't just, like, say, look, I've got millions of dollars because it's everywhere.

00:40:27.000 You just go out in the woods and cut it down.

00:40:28.000 That's hard to get.

00:40:29.000 But what the fuck, man?

00:40:31.000 There's got to be a better way.

00:40:33.000 Fuck the fucking gold.

00:40:35.000 I'm telling them, right away you pour reveal with gold.

00:40:38.000 Who's talking about fucking gold?

00:40:39.000 It's fascinating, man.

00:40:39.000 Fuck gold!

00:40:40.000 Money's fascinating.

00:40:41.000 It's $800 a fucking house right now.

00:40:42.000 So you're ripping people off.

00:40:43.000 So I'm not ripping nobody off.

00:40:44.000 I'm going to set this guy up because I wanted a new life in Colorado.

00:40:47.000 So we're going to rob this drug deal.

00:40:49.000 I was going to take that money, pay the loan shark off, wait 10 days and go, hey!

00:40:52.000 I got a line on a kilo of coke.

00:40:54.000 I need $50,000.

00:40:55.000 He probably gave me $30,000 and I was going to move to Colorado and buy property and whatever the fuck I was into.

00:41:00.000 Why didn't you think he was going to go after you?

00:41:02.000 Because they don't.

00:41:03.000 They don't go outside fucking New York City.

00:41:04.000 That's only in the movies, these fucking morons.

00:41:06.000 These guys go to Miami and they're scared.

00:41:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:41:09.000 You know the people you grew up with in Boston.

00:41:10.000 Where do they go?

00:41:11.000 They go to fucking whatever, the fucking pigeon place in Boston in the summer. 0.99

00:41:16.000 And anything out of that area, their comfort zone, they fucking freak, bro.

00:41:19.000 They can't take it.

00:41:20.000 You know, the mob really lost a lot of credibility when Sammy the Bull Gravano got away with everything.

00:41:25.000 Everybody lost credibility.

00:41:27.000 That was the most ridiculous thing.

00:41:28.000 I thought for sure he was going to kill that guy, right?

00:41:31.000 That's what happens.

00:41:32.000 You can't be a rat.

00:41:34.000 He walked the Don up.

00:41:35.000 Whoa, there must be people coming after him.

00:41:37.000 That's when you realize, whoa, this is not the organized thing that appears to be on television.

00:41:41.000 Do you know who was going to kill Sammy the Bull?

00:41:42.000 Who?

00:41:43.000 Chicago cops were putting together to murder Sammy the Bull.

00:41:46.000 Really?

00:41:46.000 To make money?

00:41:47.000 Yeah.

00:41:48.000 How much was the money?

00:41:49.000 I had no idea, but they knew that there was a contract out of them, and Chicago cops are going to go down there and blast them.

00:41:55.000 That's how crazy it is.

00:41:56.000 Man, to be a dirty cop, man, you've got to really take a chance.

00:41:58.000 You've got to really put yourself out there.

00:42:00.000 And to get a bunch of other dirty cops together, you've got to assume that you're all going to keep your mouth shut.

00:42:07.000 But it happens all the time, man.

00:42:09.000 All the time.

00:42:10.000 They're always busting cops. 0.89

00:42:11.000 There's just too much power.

00:42:13.000 Too much temptation.

00:42:15.000 I've searched before.

00:42:15.000 There's tons of dirty cops on Craigslist.

00:42:18.000 Oh, Brian.

00:42:20.000 He stumbled on that one, too.

00:42:22.000 So excited to get it out.

00:42:25.000 You know, it's crazy, man, because after a cop is a cop, you know, I can just imagine being, living all your life to protect your country and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and also one day you actually, to be a cop, you have to have a certain gene.

00:42:36.000 You really want to help people.

00:42:37.000 You really have to genuinely help people because it's $30,000 a year.

00:42:40.000 Or it's just you want the job.

00:42:42.000 Right.

00:42:42.000 It's $30,000 a year.

00:42:44.000 I think it's more than that.

00:42:45.000 $38,000 to start.

00:42:46.000 Is that all it is?

00:42:46.000 You gotta walk a beat and carry a gun and people shoot at you.

00:42:49.000 None of these cops are getting fucking rich.

00:42:50.000 You gotta be a cop for years and become a detective and, you know, a first grad.

00:42:54.000 And how much can a detective make?

00:42:56.000 $70,000, $80,000, maybe $100,000.

00:42:59.000 A commander chief, $150,000.

00:43:02.000 I don't know, but I don't think a lot.

00:43:04.000 That's why there's dirty fucking cops. 1.00

00:43:05.000 That's why one day they go, what the fuck am I doing?

00:43:08.000 Right.

00:43:09.000 I have three kids.

00:43:09.000 Take a little here, take a little there.

00:43:10.000 You know, I'm making $38,000 a fucking year, you know, and this guy wants to give me $5,000 so I don't bust his bookmaking operation on the corner.

00:43:18.000 Who the fuck are they bothering?

00:43:19.000 You know, and that's how it starts, bro.

00:43:21.000 And I guess it's like, hey, we were talking about the other day that you had Andy Dick on, and he said that sometimes when you're doing a bad show and you're so upset with yourself that you resort to doing, you know, you're just not happy with the present condition of your life.

00:43:33.000 Right.

00:43:33.000 It must happen for a cop, too.

00:43:35.000 It's fucking tough being a cop every night.

00:43:36.000 And at the end of the day, you go home at 8 in the morning after a 12-hour shift, and you're making 40 fucking grand a year.

00:43:42.000 And people are shooting at you, and you got to be out there in the rain.

00:43:46.000 It's funny, because only on TV are people nice to cops.

00:43:49.000 Right.

00:43:49.000 You know, cops put up with a lot of shit on the other end.

00:43:52.000 You know, people like me, I was a criminal, so I'm always a gentleman to cops.

00:43:55.000 I don't want them fighting that warrant.

00:43:56.000 So I'm as nice as honey.

00:43:58.000 I'm as nice as, you know what I'm saying?

00:43:59.000 But there's people out there that have a little money or think that bad to the bone.

00:44:02.000 They're like, what are you pulling me over for, bitch? 1.00

00:44:05.000 You're getting a ticket, motherfucker, for opening up like that.

00:44:07.000 Absolutely.

00:44:07.000 An officer, was I doing something wrong?

00:44:09.000 Yeah, listen, they're there because there's a lot of people that are fucking crazy.

00:44:13.000 And you need some protection from those people.

00:44:16.000 You need somebody pulling them over when they're weaving in between lanes.

00:44:18.000 You need someone tackling them when they're ready to shoot people in a fucking mall.

00:44:22.000 You need cops.

00:44:23.000 People that don't think you need cops are crazy.

00:44:26.000 All these anarchist talk.

00:44:27.000 The older I got, and the wiser you get, I give my life to teachers, cops, anybody who's a public servant.

00:44:34.000 You know, all last week we were talking about this fucking mutt, Charlie Sheen, who's basically a fucking rich junkie.

00:44:40.000 If you come down to it that's just sitting there talking shit, do you have the balls to get on a plane right now and go to Japan and help those fucking people?

00:44:47.000 Nobody talks about those fucking people.

00:44:49.000 Nobody listens to a fucking doctor.

00:44:52.000 If a doctor did a fucking podcast today and tried to tell you how to stay fucking healthy...

00:44:57.000 You think he'd get the views you get?

00:44:59.000 Or this fucking Momo Charlie Sheen?

00:45:01.000 No!

00:45:01.000 Dr. Oz.

00:45:02.000 Dr. Oz is a handsome man.

00:45:04.000 Think about that.

00:45:05.000 He's on the Oprah show.

00:45:05.000 Think about our fucking society.

00:45:07.000 Those guys are over in Japan right now picking up fucking...

00:45:11.000 There's kids under there yelling and screaming.

00:45:13.000 They'll see things we wouldn't even imagine seeing in a lifetime.

00:45:16.000 Those guys are going to come back, and next week they'll have another disaster in Venezuela or in Oregon, and those guys will never get, not even a fucking thank you.

00:45:24.000 You know, that's always killed me.

00:45:26.000 I can never be a public servant.

00:45:27.000 I'm too much of a fucking piece of shit.

00:45:29.000 There's people out there that are just, that's what they live for, you know, and they really believe in it.

00:45:34.000 Bro, the day after that earthquake, think how many people just got on a plane and they just came back from somewhere else.

00:45:38.000 Where was there an earthquake?

00:45:39.000 They just got back from a fucking earthquake.

00:45:42.000 No, no.

00:45:42.000 New Zealand.

00:45:43.000 New Zealand.

00:45:43.000 Where the church and all that shit.

00:45:44.000 There's a lot of goddamn earthquakes lately.

00:45:46.000 What fucking do?

00:45:47.000 We're sitting here like pigeons on a pond.

00:45:49.000 I don't know what the fuck we're doing here.

00:45:50.000 Giggling with a cannon.

00:45:52.000 Like a bunch of fucking momos. 0.96

00:45:54.000 We're next!

00:45:55.000 It's either going to be San Francisco, Oregon, to buy us some more time, and then we're fucking next.

00:45:59.000 That's why we need to go to fucking Texas. 0.95

00:46:01.000 When shit goes down, Texas is the best place to live.

00:46:04.000 At least all the guns are going to come out and shit.

00:46:06.000 But think about all that shit last week with these people.

00:46:08.000 Think about what it takes to go over there right now.

00:46:10.000 What are those people getting paid to get on a plane and go help those Japanese people?

00:46:14.000 That's a good question.

00:46:15.000 I turn down $50 fucking gigs if I gotta drive an hour.

00:46:19.000 These motherfuckers are going over there. 1.00

00:46:21.000 Think about that, bro.

00:46:22.000 What can they even do right now?

00:46:24.000 Right now, what they have to do is figure out how to deal with those nuclear reactors.

00:46:27.000 Yeah, you're walking into a nuclear reactor place to help fucking people.

00:46:31.000 You have no idea who they are, but people in this country give a Frenchman's fuck about that miserable cocksucker Charlie Sheen.

00:46:38.000 That's what I understand.

00:46:39.000 I think no one cares about Charlie Sheen anymore.

00:46:41.000 I think it's over.

00:46:41.000 Yeah, it's fucking over.

00:46:43.000 It feels like it's over.

00:46:44.000 What the fuck?

00:46:44.000 Who gives a fuck?

00:46:45.000 It's really quick.

00:46:46.000 It burned out quick.

00:46:47.000 I got tired of it.

00:46:48.000 I loved it for a couple days.

00:46:49.000 Now you're waiting for the call like blue shit.

00:46:51.000 That's what you're doing now.

00:46:51.000 The mainstream video killed it for me, I think.

00:46:53.000 Yeah, me too.

00:46:55.000 The first one, when the guy was playing the fart noises, I'm like, whoa, these are the people he's hanging out with?

00:46:59.000 That's what he talked about.

00:47:00.000 You believe that shit?

00:47:01.000 Those are coke people. 1.00

00:47:02.000 Those coke people are idiots. 1.00

00:47:04.000 That's what it is.

00:47:05.000 Coke people are these weird, fucking, selfish, indulgent, self-destructive people. 1.00

00:47:10.000 They're not fun to hang out with.

00:47:11.000 There's no cool conversations.

00:47:12.000 I did it for 30 fucking years.

00:47:14.000 And for the first 10, I did it with people because it was fun.

00:47:16.000 You know how it's fun.

00:47:17.000 Oh, my God, let's do it.

00:47:18.000 Oh, that's great.

00:47:19.000 After that, I became this person that was inside.

00:47:21.000 I couldn't be out with people.

00:47:22.000 But I never hung out with those.

00:47:24.000 I didn't like it.

00:47:25.000 I can't listen to people when they're doing coke.

00:47:26.000 I want to kill them.

00:47:27.000 That's why after a while, you can't even take chicks home because all you want them to do is suck your dick. 1.00

00:47:31.000 I got to listen to this fucking story again.

00:47:32.000 There's a line.

00:47:33.000 Snort it.

00:47:34.000 Suck them fucking nuts. 0.99

00:47:35.000 Well, what everybody likes about this whole Charlie Sheen thing is that this guy is saying, you know, fuck it.

00:47:40.000 I'm just going to have fun.

00:47:41.000 This is what I do.

00:47:42.000 This is how I roll.

00:47:43.000 You know, you don't like it.

00:47:45.000 Fuck you.

00:47:45.000 I'm a rock star.

00:47:46.000 And, you know, that he's like got this crazy confidence in everything he's doing.

00:47:50.000 You know, winning.

00:47:51.000 You know, next.

00:47:52.000 And everybody wants to be able to think like that.

00:47:54.000 Everybody wants to be able to, you know, like people that are struggling and they're going through some shitty job.

00:47:59.000 Like, God damn, how badass would it be to be fucking Charlie Sheen right now?

00:48:02.000 No, it's really funny because you said something to me after the Vegas show.

00:48:05.000 You took me aside and you're like, yeah, Joey, you stand up.

00:48:08.000 I can see you're working on it or whatever the fuck you had to say to me.

00:48:11.000 Well, the coke was doing the same thing to my fucking stand up.

00:48:14.000 Instead of writing jokes, all I used to say was, fuck it.

00:48:16.000 I'm Joey Diaz.

00:48:17.000 I can bang it 50%.

00:48:19.000 I can go up there and lie to you, bro.

00:48:21.000 Drugs, coke, cigarettes, they lie to you.

00:48:23.000 This idiot's buying into some Colombian thing. 1.00

00:48:25.000 Well, I'm not saying he's on the money, but I am saying that if he didn't die this way, what, is he going to live forever and cure cancer?

00:48:31.000 What the fuck difference does it make?

00:48:33.000 I mean, the only thing that's sad and tragic is his kids are going to miss him.

00:48:36.000 But you know what?

00:48:37.000 I mean, what is he doing?

00:48:38.000 What does he want to do with himself?

00:48:39.000 This is what he wants to do.

00:48:39.000 He wants a fucking party.

00:48:40.000 I don't think you should stop him.

00:48:43.000 Oh, no.

00:48:44.000 Are you kidding me, Joe Rogan?

00:48:45.000 That's so weak.

00:48:46.000 I swore I thought it was off.

00:48:48.000 It's all right.

00:48:48.000 Nobody important.

00:48:49.000 It's all right.

00:48:50.000 It happens sometimes.

00:48:51.000 I made the mistakes to a call.

00:48:53.000 Of course it's Sussman. 0.98

00:48:57.000 That's my man.

00:48:59.000 So yeah, Shrooming Man was fucking amazing. 0.96

00:49:01.000 It was visual.

00:49:03.000 It was to the point where the person I was with, I could see their energy flowing through their skin.

00:49:08.000 And then we went outside and the stars were going crazy.

00:49:11.000 And then shadows looked like they had texture.

00:49:13.000 It was fucking amazing.

00:49:14.000 How many hours did you trip for?

00:49:16.000 Four good hours.

00:49:17.000 Any diarrhea or anything from the mushrooms?

00:49:19.000 Just bright green shit today.

00:49:21.000 Right.

00:49:21.000 That's what kills me.

00:49:22.000 That's what kills me.

00:49:23.000 I used to get the diarrhea while I was on the mushrooms.

00:49:27.000 Me too.

00:49:27.000 That last time.

00:49:28.000 That's why I haven't done it in seven years.

00:49:29.000 When I lived in Colorado, I'd eat a mushroom and ten minutes later I'm in the shitter trying to figure out how many trees they cut.

00:49:35.000 But have you done it the tea way before?

00:49:37.000 That seemed like it was so much easier on your stomach.

00:49:39.000 It's a little easier on your stomach.

00:49:40.000 It didn't have any problem.

00:49:41.000 The tea is fucking great.

00:49:42.000 Yeah, it's good.

00:49:43.000 I've done the tea for concerts.

00:49:44.000 Yeah.

00:49:44.000 I've had the Amanita muscaria tea.

00:49:46.000 What's that?

00:49:47.000 And how was that?

00:49:47.000 That's the mushroom that they believe is responsible for Christianity.

00:49:51.000 That's that crazy red and white mushroom that looks like Santa Claus.

00:49:53.000 Is it like a psychedelic mushroom?

00:49:56.000 Yeah, it's a psychedelic mushroom, but it's a different sort of a psychedelic.

00:49:59.000 It's very weird.

00:50:00.000 I don't know if what I got was good stuff.

00:50:02.000 It was very strange.

00:50:03.000 And then Doug and I did it, and the day we did it was the day the war broke out.

00:50:07.000 9-11?

00:50:08.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:50:10.000 The day we went to war and we decided to go to this dude Jan's house.

00:50:14.000 You know Jan.

00:50:15.000 Shut your shit up, bro.

00:50:16.000 Is that me?

00:50:16.000 That's you, son.

00:50:17.000 Anyway, we go to this kid Jan's house and he lives out in the middle of the desert.

00:50:22.000 Weird fucking town out in like Palmdale area or something, you know?

00:50:25.000 Not there, but one of those towns where you're like, what the fuck?

00:50:28.000 Who's out here?

00:50:29.000 What are you doing out here?

00:50:30.000 And we get blitzkrieged on mushrooms out there.

00:50:33.000 And then we watched the news.

00:50:36.000 And the news, I'll never forget this.

00:50:37.000 I've talked about this before.

00:50:39.000 Doug Stanhope said, the guy goes on, he goes, war coverage begins at five.

00:50:44.000 And Stanhope goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff.

00:50:48.000 Yeah.

00:50:49.000 And we are shroomed to the gills to the point where everything I see, I shouldn't be social.

00:50:55.000 I should have been alone in the room, closing my eyes, lying on my back.

00:51:00.000 I saw the fabric of the universe as I was walking.

00:51:04.000 Everything was a pattern.

00:51:05.000 In front of me, it was all really intense, complex geometrics.

00:51:09.000 It was like the covering of the walls, like wallpaper or doors or anything, all that stuff became transparent.

00:51:19.000 And you could see literally the structure of the universe through everything.

00:51:23.000 We were fucked.

00:51:26.000 I mean, we were gone.

00:51:28.000 And the fucking war coverage starts, and it was so strange.

00:51:31.000 That's crazy.

00:51:32.000 I couldn't imagine that.

00:51:34.000 It was so bizarre, man.

00:51:35.000 It just didn't seem real.

00:51:37.000 It's 2000 and whatever the fuck it was back then.

00:51:39.000 Two?

00:51:40.000 Three?

00:51:41.000 And I was like, this is how we're rocking it?

00:51:42.000 This is how we're rocking it?

00:51:43.000 We're just gonna...

00:51:45.000 What the fuck?

00:51:46.000 That probably fucked you up somehow, you know?

00:51:48.000 I don't know.

00:51:48.000 It's probably like burnt into your mind because mushrooms with 9-11, that's insane.

00:51:53.000 Because 9-11 was crazy for everybody because that was something they never saw ever.

00:51:57.000 You saw it in a psychedelic way.

00:51:59.000 No, the war.

00:52:00.000 No, the war going off.

00:52:02.000 Not 9-11 itself.

00:52:03.000 9-11, I just saw it.

00:52:05.000 I wish I would have had mushrooms.

00:52:06.000 Could you imagine that though?

00:52:07.000 You remember when we were hanging out on 9-11?

00:52:09.000 It was interesting.

00:52:10.000 We went over to Mike Faberman's house.

00:52:13.000 It was Eddie and Ralphie and Joey.

00:52:15.000 It was an interesting fucking day because, boy, the shit had went down.

00:52:19.000 And we went to Baja Fresh and we had some burritos.

00:52:22.000 And we were just sitting there and shooting the shit and just talking.

00:52:25.000 And not a fucking plane in the sky.

00:52:27.000 That was one of the weirdest things.

00:52:28.000 When they shut down all the flights.

00:52:29.000 Not a plane in the sky.

00:52:31.000 Speaking of Faberman, he has a new book out, and he's been actually doing the tour, like the morning show tour all around the country and stuff.

00:52:38.000 Is it a cookbook?

00:52:39.000 Yeah, it's a cookbook, and he writes it for camping, like gourmet food while you're camping and stuff, or outside.

00:52:45.000 I have never eaten Faberman's food, but I hear he's a bad motherfucker.

00:52:49.000 He's got great chicken, man.

00:52:50.000 This chicken, I don't know what he puts on it, but...

00:52:53.000 It's crazy because I hit a windowpane acid one night when I was a sophomore.

00:52:58.000 Why do they call it windowpane acid?

00:53:00.000 Because it was like a clear acid.

00:53:01.000 It looked like a piece of glass.

00:53:04.000 So I did it one night and the one guy I was with freaked out.

00:53:08.000 It was a Monday night football game and he goes, bro, I gotta go home.

00:53:11.000 I'm like, alright, fuck it, go home.

00:53:12.000 I guess I'll trip solo.

00:53:14.000 So I went and I go, I know I'll call for a buddy of mine knocking on his door and his dad answers.

00:53:18.000 He's like, Joey, come on in.

00:53:21.000 I'm like, Mr. Bender, come on in and have a soda.

00:53:24.000 Wait for him.

00:53:25.000 He should be back from the gym or something.

00:53:26.000 So I sit down, and I'm sitting there tripping my ass off, watching fucking Monday Night Football with him.

00:53:33.000 And he's telling me about the stats of the game.

00:53:35.000 It was a Jet game. 0.75

00:53:36.000 And I'm sitting there, and it's dark.

00:53:37.000 He watched the TV in the dark.

00:53:39.000 And all of a sudden, Howard Cosell comes on.

00:53:41.000 He goes, I'd like to report something.

00:53:44.000 John Lennon has just been shot in front of the Dakotas.

00:53:47.000 And here I am tripping on this fucking acid.

00:53:50.000 And I'm flying by this time.

00:53:52.000 And he's watching TV in the darkness.

00:53:54.000 And he's talking about...

00:53:55.000 And I'm thinking about John Lennon getting shot.

00:53:57.000 Reports are coming in.

00:53:58.000 He just got shot at Dakota.

00:54:00.000 We'll keep you posted.

00:54:01.000 Oh my God, America, I have a sad former Beatle. 0.96

00:54:04.000 And he just went into the speech.

00:54:05.000 You can hear it on YouTube.

00:54:06.000 But I'll never forget sitting there thinking to myself...

00:54:09.000 Because when you're tripping, you really can't comprehend the thought.

00:54:13.000 They go through you.

00:54:14.000 It's like John Lennon got shot and they shoot the other Beatles.

00:54:17.000 Well, I hope they shot Elvis.

00:54:18.000 It just keeps fucking going.

00:54:20.000 And you can't stop these fucking thoughts.

00:54:22.000 But that was what happened to me that day.

00:54:24.000 I just went over there and called for Brian.

00:54:26.000 And he's like, Brian's playing at his league, but if you want to sit and watch the game.

00:54:30.000 It's weird when you remember when people died, the jolt.

00:54:34.000 What is it about memory that some memories are so much more potent than others?

00:54:39.000 Some memories just stay forever.

00:54:42.000 They're just locked in.

00:54:43.000 And you just don't get rid of them.

00:54:44.000 You remember where you were sitting?

00:54:45.000 You remember what the room looked like?

00:54:46.000 Or you think you remember what the room looked like?

00:54:48.000 I bet it would be a little bit different if you actually saw it in real life.

00:54:51.000 But when people died, like, I remember I was at my girlfriend's house when I was like 18. And the Space Shuttle Challenger blew up.

00:54:57.000 And I watched it blow up on TV. And I didn't realize what had happened while I was flying.

00:55:01.000 I'm not sure if I saw a replay of it or if I saw it live.

00:55:05.000 But I didn't know it was happening.

00:55:06.000 And then it blew up.

00:55:07.000 And then I realized what they were showing.

00:55:10.000 And then I had to turn the volume up.

00:55:11.000 And I'm watching this.

00:55:12.000 I'm like, holy shit!

00:55:13.000 Like, it blew up in the sky?

00:55:15.000 But I'm like...

00:55:16.000 I can see the carpet.

00:55:17.000 I can see the walls of her room.

00:55:19.000 I mean, I can see the whole thing.

00:55:21.000 I remember everything.

00:55:22.000 It's like it's locked in on me.

00:55:24.000 What is that?

00:55:25.000 How come?

00:55:26.000 I mean, is it just we not have enough capacity to remember shit like that all the time?

00:55:30.000 I don't know if it's that or what, because sometimes that kind of shit pops out of nowhere, though.

00:55:36.000 It wasn't deleted.

00:55:37.000 Like, oh my god, I forgot all about that, and all these memories come rushing in out of nowhere.

00:55:42.000 So it almost makes me wonder if there is a drug or something that could just open all the doors.

00:55:47.000 And open all the memory and give you access to all your files.

00:55:50.000 I've been taking this 5-HTP, what is that shit from GNC, where it's supposed to be pumping more serotonin and stuff like that.

00:55:58.000 Does it work?

00:55:59.000 I've been only taking it for a week, but immediately I already find my mind working better in memory.

00:56:05.000 Really?

00:56:05.000 Yeah, in happiness.

00:56:07.000 Of course, there's other reasons too, probably.

00:56:10.000 Well, you know, Chris and I are coming up with a supplement line.

00:56:13.000 We're going to figure out all the best shit.

00:56:15.000 We're working on it right now.

00:56:16.000 He is working on it.

00:56:17.000 And we're going to have pills where it's all of the best vitamins for mental function.

00:56:23.000 Throw that shit in there.

00:56:24.000 Throw that shit in there if you can.

00:56:26.000 You know what I'm talking about?

00:56:28.000 No.

00:56:28.000 I've never done it before.

00:56:29.000 But you know what I'm talking about, right?

00:56:30.000 I take a bunch of different stuff, but that's not one of them.

00:56:32.000 I'll tell you what exercises me is when I really write about a situation.

00:56:36.000 When I sit down and I go, okay, today I'm going to write about the time I tried out for freshman football.

00:56:42.000 And even though I have no fucking idea about it.

00:56:45.000 And then the memories come back to you?

00:56:46.000 And that's everything.

00:56:47.000 Everything in that genre.

00:56:49.000 Everything in that genre that maybe had to do with it.

00:56:52.000 Music.

00:56:53.000 Music when we're driving, Sparks.

00:56:55.000 Nobody here ever gets teary-eyed in the car.

00:56:57.000 You hear a song, man.

00:56:58.000 My buddy, Johnny B, my best friend who died.

00:57:02.000 Whenever I hear Van Morrison, Marvelous Night for a Moon Dance, that was like his song.

00:57:05.000 We would go to the diner.

00:57:07.000 These diners in New York, a lot of them are open 24 hours a day.

00:57:10.000 And they have this thing here like this that you spin around a little vacation.

00:57:12.000 Yeah, and they had the fucking thing where you could pick the songs to listen to.

00:57:15.000 And you put a couple quarters in there and you could play songs at your table.

00:57:18.000 Yeah, you have like little shitty tinny speakers.

00:57:21.000 And we'd be eating cheeseburger deluxes at 3 o'clock in the morning after playing pool.

00:57:26.000 And they would play moon dance.

00:57:27.000 So now it doesn't matter where I am.

00:57:29.000 I was in Germany.

00:57:30.000 I was in Germany in the hotel, and it's playing in the lobby.

00:57:33.000 Marvelous Night for a Moondance.

00:57:34.000 And I'm like, wow.

00:57:35.000 So I just think about that, dude.

00:57:38.000 Things get stuck in there, man.

00:57:40.000 But you know what doesn't get stuck in there?

00:57:41.000 My act.

00:57:42.000 You know?

00:57:43.000 My old material?

00:57:44.000 Shit.

00:57:44.000 When some of the people yell out at a show, I've had that a bunch of times.

00:57:48.000 Especially when I was doing the Q&A, which I haven't been doing recently.

00:57:51.000 Because I'm trying to do more like a tighter, hard hour set.

00:57:55.000 I like the tighter.

00:57:56.000 I do too.

00:57:57.000 I thought of that after I saw Norton.

00:58:00.000 I saw Norton in Austin and killed.

00:58:03.000 He had a great set.

00:58:04.000 And he only did like 50 minutes.

00:58:06.000 And I thought about it.

00:58:06.000 I'm like, man, that's all you need to do.

00:58:08.000 Like these hour and a half sets that I'm doing, two hour sets, and a lot of it is just Q&A. Some people like it, but some people feel obligated to stick around.

00:58:16.000 Like it's just like it's too much attention that you're asking from.

00:58:19.000 Tell them your show's over and then do the Q&A. Maybe.

00:58:22.000 I'm going to figure out another way to do Q&A. Maybe do a night where it's just Q&A. Make it real cheap just to pay for the room.

00:58:31.000 And make it so that one night maybe there's not a stand-up show, it's a Q&A show.

00:58:35.000 Because it's a little indulgent.

00:58:38.000 But anyway, my point is, when people yell out shit, yell out, do this bit, do Noah's Ark or something like that, man...

00:58:43.000 I fucking forget a lot of them.

00:58:45.000 You yelled out Anna Nicole Smith. 0.98

00:58:47.000 It's one of my best bits ever.

00:58:48.000 But if I go back and try to figure out how to do it now, I'll fuck it up.

00:58:52.000 You did Noah's Ark pretty good the other day.

00:58:54.000 I saw you pull that out.

00:58:55.000 It's because I was baked as Jesus.

00:58:56.000 I was Jesus on an asteroid.

00:58:58.000 I even forgot it.

00:58:59.000 I can't believe I remembered it because that was the first time I had done it in years.

00:59:03.000 And this guy asked for it.

00:59:04.000 I was like, wow, I don't even know if I can do this.

00:59:06.000 But I did it and closed with it.

00:59:08.000 But that was a mistake in Vegas, too, to do a Q&A in front of 2,000 fucking people.

00:59:13.000 There's just too many people.

00:59:14.000 There's too many people yelling shit out.

00:59:16.000 If I was going to do something like that, it had to do with microphones.

00:59:18.000 Have a little line like we did in Columbus when we did the DVD. When is UFC coming back to Columbus?

00:59:23.000 Are they ever going to come?

00:59:24.000 I don't think we are.

00:59:25.000 I mean, maybe in the future, but we just did Strike Force.

00:59:27.000 They did Strike Force, did the last Columbus show.

00:59:30.000 The Arnold was just two weeks ago.

00:59:33.000 Yeah.

00:59:34.000 That was always a cool weekend when you had the Arnold show.

00:59:36.000 Fuck yeah, it was awesome.

00:59:37.000 Yeah, that's where I did my special.

00:59:38.000 I love Pumbus.

00:59:39.000 Funny Bones is a good club.

00:59:40.000 That's a good club.

00:59:41.000 Funny Bones, great.

00:59:42.000 They had the theater that I did, too.

00:59:44.000 What was it called again?

00:59:45.000 The Southern Theater?

00:59:46.000 Yeah.

00:59:46.000 The theater that we filmed the special in, Mae West used to perform there.

00:59:50.000 And fucking Groucho Marx.

00:59:51.000 Wow.

00:59:52.000 Oh, no, no, no.

00:59:52.000 Not Groucho Marx.

00:59:54.000 W.C. Fields.

00:59:54.000 W.C. Fields and Mae West performed there.

00:59:56.000 What the fuck, man?

00:59:58.000 That's some history.

00:59:59.000 That's amazing.

01:00:00.000 Imagine trying to be an actor back then.

01:00:02.000 How fucking tough it must have been.

01:00:05.000 I mean, shit.

01:00:06.000 There's no internet.

01:00:08.000 I mean, you've got to get picked to do things.

01:00:10.000 You've got to get picked.

01:00:11.000 The studio has to choose you.

01:00:14.000 There must have been so much chicanery going on back then. 1.00

01:00:17.000 What's that?

01:00:18.000 Chicanery? 0.90

01:00:20.000 Like, inappropriate behavior.

01:00:23.000 It was different then.

01:00:24.000 It was inappropriate.

01:00:25.000 I like how you threw out words like an African.

01:00:28.000 Chicanery? 0.90

01:00:29.000 The marks of the patient approximation.

01:00:32.000 Oh, like an African person? 1.00

01:00:33.000 You use really huge words sometimes.

01:00:35.000 I'm like, what?

01:00:36.000 Not huge.

01:00:37.000 Chicanery is not really a big word.

01:00:38.000 That's not even an intelligent word.

01:00:39.000 It's a silly word.

01:00:40.000 I think it's like a slang term.

01:00:41.000 Yeah, but that's way different in the vocabulary than I... But Joey, do you know what that word was?

01:00:46.000 No.

01:00:47.000 Well, no.

01:00:48.000 All I'm trying to say...

01:00:49.000 Some words you don't need.

01:00:50.000 Yeah, I remember what the fuck I was trying to say.

01:00:54.000 We're trying to say about how hard it was, and it's so weird because if you talk to people from them, like even if Hollywood was different then, they'd move you out here, and you'd give you a paycheck.

01:01:03.000 And you'd suck everyone's dick, and then they'd give you a script and a loaf of bread. 0.90

01:01:08.000 They gave you a paycheck every week.

01:01:10.000 And you just got assigned different films.

01:01:12.000 All those guys that you see from the 60s and 50s that were here, they all lived in Burbank.

01:01:17.000 Burbank, all those houses that look the same and shit.

01:01:19.000 You remember all those movies about, like, JFK? Like, they always have those blondes that were with JFK that were, like, sort of semi-disposable. 0.92

01:01:28.000 They would always be, like, hanging around, but they never really addressed them.

01:01:30.000 Right.

01:01:31.000 That's like 90% of what came to Hollywood.

01:01:34.000 People came here, lost, looking to stick.

01:01:37.000 Some people stuck.

01:01:38.000 The people that did stick, all the other people said, look, they stuck.

01:01:41.000 They stuck.

01:01:42.000 They're still there.

01:01:44.000 They're famous.

01:01:45.000 And they get sucked into the system and wind up being one of those little quiet girls in JFK's arm.

01:01:50.000 Yeah.

01:01:51.000 That still happens today, huh?

01:01:52.000 Fuck yeah, it does.

01:01:53.000 This is it, man.

01:01:54.000 This is the land of dreams.

01:01:56.000 This is the strangest fucking place on earth.

01:01:58.000 This is the place where you go to maximize how many people who know who you are.

01:02:02.000 What?

01:02:03.000 Yeah.

01:02:03.000 You can make a living just on that now.

01:02:07.000 You gotta suck a little dick and do something where people pay attention to you on the internet, like Kim Kardashian.

01:02:12.000 But basically, she started out blowing her boyfriend and fucking him on the internet in videos. 1.00

01:02:18.000 Obviously produced videos, you know?

01:02:20.000 Obviously produced.

01:02:21.000 Oh, absolutely.

01:02:22.000 And then, she's fucking easy. 1.00

01:02:24.000 She's got perfume at Macy's now.

01:02:25.000 She's signing perfume bottles at Macy's.

01:02:27.000 The bitch got a song! 1.00

01:02:28.000 I was in Australia, and there was a fucking billboard with Kim Kardashian on it in Australia.

01:02:34.000 She goes around the world.

01:02:35.000 Well, good for her.

01:02:36.000 Good for her.

01:02:36.000 She figured out.

01:02:37.000 Yeah, I mean, whatever.

01:02:37.000 I mean, she's not...

01:02:38.000 She charges the tweets.

01:02:39.000 She's not an American land opportunity, dog. 0.92

01:02:41.000 Yeah, there's nothing wrong.

01:02:42.000 But it's fascinating that this is the spot where all this goes down.

01:02:46.000 This is the spot where everybody comes to make something happen comes to get some attention There's a lot of people that fall through the cracks, you know, there's a lot of victims in this fucking town So how many people have come and gone since you've been a lot?

01:02:58.000 How have you ever gotten Facebook and say hey?

01:03:01.000 Yeah, those are creepy What the fuck happened to that guy cuz I forget about half the people I moved to upstate New York Remember Lazlo He used to hang out at the comedy store all the time a long time ago.

01:03:14.000 Laszlo, he moved to Florida.

01:03:15.000 Anyway, never mind.

01:03:17.000 He's somebody that just slipped away.

01:03:18.000 We used to talk to him every week.

01:03:20.000 Why do I not remember that guy?

01:03:22.000 I don't remember what he looked like, but I remember the name.

01:03:24.000 What was the talent coordinator when we first got to the store?

01:03:26.000 Scott Day.

01:03:27.000 He hits me up.

01:03:28.000 He's like in fucking Jerusalem. 0.96

01:03:31.000 Jerusalem.

01:03:31.000 He's walking through Europe right now.

01:03:33.000 You know how many people have come and gone that had big plans and deals and I got 19 scripts and I met with Pacino last week.

01:03:42.000 These motherfuckers are gone, Jack.

01:03:44.000 We've seen a lot of that happen.

01:03:45.000 Selling fucking real estate.

01:03:47.000 I got an email last week on my regular email from some dude and I call him back and I'm like, "Hey, how you doing?" He was my first manager.

01:03:54.000 Whoa.

01:03:54.000 And he was a filthy, his family was filthy rich, and he went back to sell real estate.

01:03:59.000 He's like, hey man, I'm just calling you because I'm opening up comedy clubs again.

01:04:02.000 What happened to real estate?

01:04:03.000 He goes, the bottom fell out.

01:04:05.000 But it's amazing that I forgot all about that fucking dude.

01:04:09.000 That was 10 fucking years ago.

01:04:11.000 Yeah, some people just decide it's not for them.

01:04:13.000 Some people, it's just too much stress.

01:04:15.000 That we were friends with, that one day disappeared.

01:04:20.000 But we were friends.

01:04:21.000 How many friends have we had that gone?

01:04:23.000 A lot.

01:04:24.000 How many people with talent?

01:04:25.000 People that came to the store and said, I got a script I just sold, and you got, boom, a year later, they're like, oh no, I'm doing radio in Wisconsin.

01:04:33.000 What the fuck?

01:04:34.000 You were just selling a script at Paramount.

01:04:36.000 It's amazing how many people come and go through here and get spit up.

01:04:40.000 Dude, there's so many.

01:04:41.000 How about guys with talent?

01:04:42.000 How about Mike Ricca?

01:04:43.000 Huh?

01:04:43.000 How about Mike Ricca?

01:04:45.000 Mike Ricca.

01:04:46.000 When I started out in 1994, Mike Ricca was a funny fucking comic.

01:04:49.000 He's still a funny guy.

01:04:50.000 I'm sure.

01:04:52.000 When I saw Mike Ricca at the store, I remember thinking, we were probably around the same age or something, and I remember thinking, this fucking guy's going to be huge.

01:05:00.000 This guy's funny.

01:05:01.000 He's funny.

01:05:01.000 He's confident up there.

01:05:03.000 He already had an article written about him.

01:05:05.000 When I went to the store, there was an article that was framed in the lobby, like a little article about Mike Ricca.

01:05:11.000 I think this guy's gonna fucking take off.

01:05:13.000 But for whatever fucking reason, the pieces don't fall in the right order.

01:05:18.000 You know?

01:05:20.000 It's amazing.

01:05:20.000 It's a weird fucking town.

01:05:22.000 Chelsea Handler was up there with us from day one.

01:05:25.000 She's going gangbusters now, that crazy bitch. 1.00

01:05:28.000 Look at her.

01:05:28.000 She's got like sitcoms and she's got her own fucking show, like a reality show about her show.

01:05:34.000 So she's got her show and then she's got a reality show about herself.

01:05:37.000 Good for her.

01:05:38.000 I hope she's the white drunk Oprah. 1.00

01:05:40.000 That's what I hope.

01:05:41.000 Good for her.

01:05:42.000 You know who I heard was on that reality show about Chelsea? 1.00

01:05:44.000 The girl from Denver.

01:05:46.000 The assistant.

01:05:47.000 Oh, really?

01:05:48.000 Awesome.

01:05:49.000 She's one of the characters.

01:05:50.000 Yeah, she's great.

01:05:51.000 What's the girl from Denver?

01:05:52.000 Remember the assistant that used to always drive us around for the comedy works?

01:05:56.000 Yeah, I do remember, but why am I blanking on her name?

01:06:00.000 Eve.

01:06:01.000 Eve.

01:06:01.000 Eva.

01:06:02.000 Eva.

01:06:03.000 Jesus Christ.

01:06:05.000 Yeah, she's awesome. 1.00

01:06:06.000 She works for Chelsea Handler now. 0.94

01:06:08.000 Yeah, you know, I'm always happy when someone figures out a way to make it through the crazy net, like the salmon ladder or whatever the fuck it is, to get to the top.

01:06:18.000 I'm always fascinated.

01:06:20.000 It's really weird.

01:06:21.000 The people that I thought were going to be fucking stars...

01:06:24.000 Well, how about people like Dane Cook?

01:06:26.000 You know, I would have never guessed that Dane Cook would have hit the way he hit.

01:06:29.000 No disrespect.

01:06:30.000 I mean, I couldn't believe that he...

01:06:33.000 Dude, you knew that he was going to get that big?

01:06:35.000 I knew it by one conversation we had after he went to the lap stop.

01:06:38.000 Really?

01:06:39.000 In front of the lap factory, I said to him, what did you think of the lap stop?

01:06:42.000 And he goes, bro, it was good, but it was too much fucking work.

01:06:46.000 I got to figure out how to narrow it into one night.

01:06:49.000 And I knew right there after that.

01:06:51.000 That was a year before he hit or two.

01:06:53.000 Doing a whole month or a whole weekend?

01:06:56.000 Yeah, he was like, that's just bullshit.

01:06:57.000 Huh.

01:06:58.000 That's just garbage.

01:06:59.000 So you knew he was going to be that huge, though?

01:07:00.000 How could you have predicted that?

01:07:01.000 I just had a feeling.

01:07:04.000 All the arrows were pointed at him.

01:07:05.000 I didn't know he was going to sell out Madison Square Garden.

01:07:08.000 Twice.

01:07:09.000 And do a fucking that note. 0.99

01:07:10.000 Yeah.

01:07:10.000 That I didn't know.

01:07:11.000 You know, he's the first guy that ever figured out how to really connect with people over the internet.

01:07:15.000 You know, that guy's still, to this day, he's constantly answering emails, constantly connecting with people, uses that say now thing, gets on that, gets on Twitter.

01:07:22.000 That's why there's Twitter.

01:07:23.000 That's why there's Facebook for people to connect with these guys.

01:07:26.000 That's why there's this podcast.

01:07:28.000 I mean, we started out this podcast, Brian and I were just sitting in front of a laptop with fucking snow falling.

01:07:33.000 Remember we had gay visual effects? 0.96

01:07:37.000 Let's try snowflakes.

01:07:38.000 I forgot about that.

01:07:40.000 Okay, let's try rain.

01:07:42.000 Let's have a spinning apple.

01:07:43.000 You know what's amazing?

01:07:44.000 Let's go black and red.

01:07:45.000 In this economy and what's going on right now, you could do stand-up all the time, but you need to open up different doors for yourself, and this is where this comes in, the podcast.

01:07:56.000 Definitely.

01:07:57.000 You know where the podcast really comes in?

01:07:58.000 It comes in for everybody else.

01:08:00.000 It comes in for all these other people that don't have people like us around them.

01:08:03.000 It sounds arrogant, but there's a lot of people out there that live in shitty neighborhoods, and they have dumb friends, and they don't have anybody to really connect with, where they feel like these people are also growing along with them, like they're all growing together.

01:08:16.000 There's a lot of people that don't have that.

01:08:18.000 It's not available.

01:08:19.000 So this podcast gives them an alternative way to look at things.

01:08:23.000 It gives them a way to see how all of us in our own lives are overcoming adversity and dealing with situations and being honest about ourselves and honest about our friends and honest about life.

01:08:33.000 And that inspires an ethic and that inspires other people to be like-minded.

01:08:38.000 And that's where it helps.

01:08:40.000 It helps everybody.

01:08:40.000 It doesn't just help fill comedy clubs and get people to buy your book or get people to come see you in Rochester.

01:08:46.000 It also helps them.

01:08:49.000 This shit all helps everybody.

01:08:50.000 Well, I'll tell you what.

01:08:51.000 When I really got into this and when I came on your podcast, and as you know, people always ask me when I'm going to come on your podcast.

01:08:57.000 For me, bro, I've always hated radio.

01:09:00.000 If you've noticed on the road, I don't show up to radio.

01:09:01.000 Yeah, you don't.

01:09:02.000 You don't like to do it.

01:09:03.000 I don't want to hear that shit.

01:09:04.000 I don't want to hear about you promoting.

01:09:06.000 I want to hear about you talking.

01:09:07.000 And that's what the Podcast Avenue has done for all of us.

01:09:10.000 That's why there's people who come here and do well on your podcast.

01:09:13.000 And there's people who come up here and want to sell jokes and a date.

01:09:15.000 I don't want to sell Rochester.

01:09:17.000 I don't want to sell the other place.

01:09:18.000 I came up here to open up about what's on my mind today or weekly.

01:09:21.000 I don't come here.

01:09:22.000 That's why I don't like doing this shit.

01:09:24.000 That's why I didn't like we're doing radio.

01:09:25.000 So tell us why you don't like flying.

01:09:27.000 And I got to go into a joke like Comics Unleashed.

01:09:30.000 Go fuck yourself.

01:09:31.000 I want to be me, dog.

01:09:32.000 I want to talk about the Lone Shark I owned if I was going to beat.

01:09:35.000 That's what this entails.

01:09:37.000 That's why I hate radio.

01:09:38.000 That's why I hate going down there with these fucking fake MCs that try to be funny. 0.98

01:09:42.000 Can you write down what lead-ins?

01:09:44.000 When was the last time I came here and fucking a lead-in?

01:09:47.000 Get the fuck out of my face.

01:09:48.000 Come in here and talk to us from the heart.

01:09:50.000 And that's what a podcast is.

01:09:51.000 And you see it in your podcast villas.

01:09:53.000 People come up and they try to force the funny and the podcast don't work.

01:09:57.000 Don't force the fucking funny.

01:09:58.000 And on the other end of it, I get emails and Twitter messages and Facebook messages from some really fucking cool people.

01:10:06.000 Some interesting people.

01:10:07.000 You get something out of it when you connect with them.

01:10:10.000 You're all getting something out of it.

01:10:12.000 I was in San Diego at Moondogies.

01:10:14.000 And the nicest guy in the world, Mike Maxwell, art.com, he drew a picture of Charles Bronson for me.

01:10:20.000 Wow.

01:10:20.000 He sent it to me in the mail.

01:10:21.000 This is fucking beautiful with him with his hat.

01:10:23.000 And we've become friends.

01:10:25.000 Like, he shows up to the gigs in San Diego.

01:10:27.000 We smoked a Bono OG last night out of the lot.

01:10:30.000 And it was just great to connect with somebody.

01:10:32.000 I mean, listen, there's good and bad on Twitter and whatever it is.

01:10:34.000 People try to be cute and try to insult you.

01:10:37.000 But deep down inside, especially with the podcast, I've always tried to put myself in this way.

01:10:41.000 So if you don't like people mugging fucking faggots, don't listen to me and don't come to my fucking show. 1.00

01:10:46.000 This is what I did and this is who I am now.

01:10:48.000 Let's work it out or go fuck yourself. 1.00

01:10:50.000 And a lot of people like the honesty and they come out and you know what?

01:10:53.000 If you come out, I always talk to you.

01:10:54.000 I don't like smoking dope with everybody because next thing you know, you're out of your mind on the way home.

01:10:59.000 You smoke 80 joints if you smoke with everybody.

01:11:01.000 But I like meeting people.

01:11:03.000 This is part of this fucking business, you know?

01:11:05.000 It's interesting.

01:11:06.000 The connection between human beings is becoming more and more It's like you have a network of people that you interact with now, and you can just develop a really cool network and only be around really cool people for the most part.

01:11:22.000 Like, Twitter, overwhelmingly.

01:11:24.000 I've got like 280-something thousand people on there now.

01:11:28.000 Overwhelmingly nice.

01:11:29.000 Overwhelmingly.

01:11:30.000 It's very rare that someone will say something douchey to me on Twitter.

01:11:33.000 When they do, you just block them.

01:11:34.000 You just click a link, bink, block.

01:11:36.000 It's really simple, and then you don't have to deal with that guy anymore.

01:11:39.000 And then you're nice to everybody, and they're nice to you, and you try to fucking, you know, have a little exchange.

01:11:44.000 Every day people are sending me cool shit on Twitter.

01:11:46.000 Every day some new fucking thing on the earthquake, or a new, you know, video of a tsunami, or a new, you know, crazy monkey that they found in Liberia, or whatever, you know what I mean?

01:11:56.000 It's like every day there's some new fascinating shit.

01:11:58.000 It's a network unlike any other.

01:12:01.000 There's never been a time where you had so much access to interesting people and information and ideas.

01:12:06.000 Never.

01:12:07.000 You know, when we were kids and we liked the band, there was none of this.

01:12:10.000 We knew them from the album covers and the sleeve of an album.

01:12:13.000 And when we paid for their tickets or an interview on television, nobody ever got this personal and this down and dirty with people.

01:12:20.000 No, no.

01:12:21.000 And this is why I do these things.

01:12:23.000 This is why I come up here with you guys.

01:12:24.000 I do the podcast where they're not fake.

01:12:26.000 That's why people love you too, man.

01:12:27.000 I don't want to be a fucking fake comedy guy, dog.

01:12:30.000 That's not my bag.

01:12:31.000 Fuck that shit.

01:12:33.000 We're up here talking about what's in my heart and what's in my...

01:12:35.000 By the way, I was thinking of you guys today, not in a sexual way.

01:12:38.000 Yeah, you were.

01:12:39.000 But this morning, I had to take a nap because I got home late last night.

01:12:41.000 I went to the Y this morning.

01:12:42.000 I got home late 10.

01:12:43.000 I had to take a nap.

01:12:44.000 When I was in bed, I got erotic, and I wanted to bang one out.

01:12:47.000 So I banged one out, but it was on my bed, so I couldn't come because then my wife would know that I came on my side of the bed. 1.00

01:12:52.000 So I'm like, what am I going to wipe this with?

01:12:54.000 So I had a sock on.

01:12:54.000 I went into pigeon pose, and I took the sock off because I always hold the top of the egg roll.

01:12:59.000 Me too.

01:13:01.000 Me too.

01:13:01.000 He thinks that's crazy.

01:13:02.000 He's never heard that before.

01:13:03.000 I went into pigeon pose.

01:13:04.000 You hold the top of the turtleneck so it doesn't blow up like a volcano.

01:13:07.000 And I just came into the sock.

01:13:09.000 But then it was fucked up.

01:13:10.000 I threw the sock on the floor and I woke up and I went to put it on.

01:13:12.000 I put my sock wet.

01:13:14.000 I had to take a fucking shower and shit like a pig.

01:13:18.000 Both of you that put on a sock would come on it.

01:13:20.000 Don't sit there and go...

01:13:21.000 Yeah, so you pinch it too, like at the top and keep it like a little pool, like a kiddie pool?

01:13:25.000 Yeah, because I'm uncircumcised.

01:13:25.000 I'm uncircumcised.

01:13:26.000 No, it blows up.

01:13:26.000 Oh, you're uncircumcised?

01:13:27.000 Yes, it looks like a bone.

01:13:29.000 Oh, all right, let's not talk about it.

01:13:29.000 It just blows up and I just go, bloop!

01:13:31.000 And it's like you're Spider-Man only.

01:13:33.000 You didn't know, he's been talking about being uncircumcised for a decade.

01:13:36.000 I try to forget.

01:13:37.000 It's like, spoiler alert, nope.

01:13:40.000 Spoiler alert.

01:13:42.000 Disgusting people.

01:13:44.000 Have you ever thought about maybe getting it now?

01:13:47.000 What?

01:13:47.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:48.000 That's what I want to do with you today.

01:13:51.000 I'm thinking about getting my dick cut at 50. What the fuck is wrong with you, Brian?

01:13:56.000 At this point, who gives a fuck?

01:13:57.000 It's supposed to feel better when you have the skin over it.

01:14:00.000 If I had a boy, bro, I would absolutely not have him cut.

01:14:03.000 Fuck that.

01:14:05.000 Have you ever talked to girls about that?

01:14:07.000 Most girls think it's disgusting. 1.00

01:14:08.000 Fuck them.

01:14:09.000 Tough shit.

01:14:11.000 Crazy bitches. 1.00

01:14:12.000 They're all crazy bitches. 1.00

01:14:13.000 You're better off without them.

01:14:14.000 When my dick is swollen, listen, they're not going to see my dick when it's dead.

01:14:17.000 They're going to see it in full effect and you just pull the skin back and all they see is the helmet anyway.

01:14:20.000 Can you tie it in a knot or anything?

01:14:22.000 There was a girl that used to... 1.00

01:14:24.000 Fuck, I forget her name.

01:14:26.000 But she used to hang out with one of the girls at the comedy store and she was having a dilemma because she was dating a guy that for the first time was uncircumcised and she didn't like the way it felt in her mouth.

01:14:37.000 She was drinking and she was telling everybody, I really like them, but it feels like skin in my mouth.

01:14:44.000 It probably feels like those little rubber things, those things that you try to hold but you can't hold it.

01:14:49.000 It's like a little rubber thing filled with water.

01:14:51.000 It's like a toy.

01:14:53.000 Never mind.

01:14:53.000 No.

01:14:54.000 It's not enough for you, Doug.

01:14:56.000 If you would have known what it was...

01:14:57.000 So you really would cut your dick just so girls would like it? 0.98

01:15:00.000 Like, what if you were uncircumcised?

01:15:01.000 I think it's fucking just gross looking.

01:15:04.000 I think it's dirty.

01:15:06.000 I think it's...

01:15:06.000 How's it dirty?

01:15:08.000 It looks like a dick with a condom on it.

01:15:09.000 That's exactly what your dick looks like with a condom on it.

01:15:10.000 If your dick is clean or it's not, wash it.

01:15:13.000 What the fuck are you talking about?

01:15:14.000 You have more disease when you have that.

01:15:17.000 Oh, no.

01:15:18.000 No, that's some propaganda to use in Africa.

01:15:20.000 You have disease if you're a filthy motherfucker, if you fuck a chicken and wash your face. 1.00

01:15:23.000 It looks like an elephant shrunk.

01:15:25.000 You know, that's what that song Evil Boy is about.

01:15:27.000 Yeah.

01:15:28.000 Evil Boy's about, they want to, like, there's a tradition, when they become a man, they go and circumcise him with a fucking rusty knife out in the woods.

01:15:35.000 Wow.

01:15:35.000 That's why he was like, you know, my dick's only for penis.

01:15:38.000 My penis, brother, is only for girls. 0.99

01:15:40.000 It's not for men. 0.79

01:15:41.000 You know?

01:15:42.000 What's this?

01:15:43.000 Evil Boy.

01:15:43.000 He's circumcised, though.

01:15:45.000 Dee Antward.

01:15:46.000 It's a great fucking song.

01:15:48.000 You know, pull it up.

01:15:49.000 Pull it up.

01:15:50.000 No, I don't want to hear that shit right now.

01:15:51.000 Let's do it back.

01:15:52.000 I don't want to hear that shit.

01:15:52.000 You don't want to hear it?

01:15:53.000 No.

01:15:53.000 It's good.

01:15:54.000 No.

01:15:54.000 It's a good goddamn song, but it's about the traditions of cutting people's skins off their dick.

01:15:59.000 It's ridiculous.

01:16:00.000 It's stupid.

01:16:00.000 Did you notice, like, throughout that song, there's a lot of references to South Park?

01:16:05.000 What?

01:16:06.000 Kyle's mom's a big fat bitch. 1.00

01:16:08.000 Is that who it is?

01:16:10.000 Yeah.

01:16:11.000 It's Kyle's mom?

01:16:12.000 Kyle's mom's a big fat bitch. 1.00

01:16:13.000 Because that's what Pat Cartman would say.

01:16:17.000 Yeah.

01:16:17.000 Wow, I didn't even think of that.

01:16:18.000 Kyle's mom's a big fat bitch. 1.00

01:16:19.000 I didn't even realize that.

01:16:21.000 I thought she was talking about someone she knew.

01:16:22.000 That's what I thought, too.

01:16:24.000 But it's a South Park thing?

01:16:26.000 Wow.

01:16:27.000 See, look at that.

01:16:27.000 Kids growing up in South Africa getting some South Park influence.

01:16:31.000 Yeah.

01:16:32.000 It's weird.

01:16:33.000 That is funny, though.

01:16:34.000 Yeah.

01:16:35.000 South Park has just got the most reach ever.

01:16:37.000 There's never been a show like that before.

01:16:39.000 It's been on for this many years and it's still good.

01:16:41.000 Do you ever watch it?

01:16:42.000 Joey.

01:16:43.000 I watch it, but I'm an adult.

01:16:46.000 You like Family Guy.

01:16:47.000 I like Family Guy from time to time, but I won't sit there.

01:16:50.000 What the fuck is wrong with you?

01:16:52.000 You like Family Guy, but you won't watch South Park?

01:16:54.000 I don't want to.

01:16:55.000 It's not that I like it.

01:16:56.000 It's that I watch it if I got 10 minutes.

01:16:58.000 Did you see Team America?

01:16:59.000 No.

01:16:59.000 You didn't see Team America.

01:17:02.000 I wish I could do that.

01:17:04.000 I wish we could do that.

01:17:05.000 Erase movies through your head.

01:17:07.000 So you could re-watch it again?

01:17:08.000 Yeah.

01:17:08.000 Wow.

01:17:09.000 Interesting.

01:17:10.000 My mom died when I was 14. I became a man.

01:17:12.000 There was no fucking games, thug.

01:17:14.000 I played Monopoly.

01:17:16.000 Two weeks ago for the first time.

01:17:17.000 We're talking to a guy who smokes pot all day and plays with his cat.

01:17:19.000 Listen, though.

01:17:19.000 He's talking about like he's a Navy SEAL with a knife in his mouth crawling through the desert.

01:17:24.000 I've never played games.

01:17:25.000 I don't even know how to play fucking cards, okay?

01:17:27.000 I don't have that time, that luxury.

01:17:29.000 You can play pool.

01:17:30.000 Because that's my mom's bar.

01:17:32.000 And I was there.

01:17:33.000 That's how I babysat myself, by playing pool.

01:17:35.000 But I've never been a cartoon guy like Popeye, dog.

01:17:38.000 Once you're 18, you know, we grow up eventually.

01:17:41.000 And, you know, you move on.

01:17:42.000 It's cute.

01:17:43.000 But you got to go out there.

01:17:45.000 It's a fucking man's world, like James Brown said.

01:17:47.000 You know what I'm saying, Doug?

01:17:48.000 That's why I'm happy about going to New York in the next four days.

01:17:51.000 I'm going to hang out with men for a couple of fucking days.

01:17:53.000 There ain't no fucking iPhones.

01:17:55.000 There ain't no fucking Twitters.

01:17:57.000 There ain't none of that shit.

01:17:57.000 I'm going to go hang out with my buddies that I grew up with for a couple of days, dog.

01:18:00.000 It's a different place over there.

01:18:02.000 You really realize it once you've lived here for a few years.

01:18:05.000 After a while you get comfortable with wherever the fuck you are, but there's a different thing over there.

01:18:09.000 There's just as many douchebags over here as over there, but they pretend to be nicer over here. 1.00

01:18:14.000 Listen, bro, I got my people that I've known since I was a fucking kid that was in trouble.

01:18:18.000 Those are the still people I hang out with 40 years later.

01:18:21.000 I trust those people.

01:18:22.000 What do you think it is, though, about people over there where there's, you know, everybody always uses the cliche, oh, they're real.

01:18:28.000 The people on the East Coast are real.

01:18:29.000 What is that?

01:18:29.000 Is the weather?

01:18:30.000 Does the weather make them do that?

01:18:31.000 What is it?

01:18:32.000 People are real and fake fucking everywhere.

01:18:34.000 I got fake motherfucking friends here, and I got motherfuckers who get stabbed for me here too. 1.00

01:18:38.000 And I got the same back home.

01:18:40.000 Right, but don't you think the percentage is higher in New York of real people?

01:18:44.000 Because I do.

01:18:46.000 I think there's more real people in the East Coast than there are here.

01:18:50.000 I think there's a lot of silly fucks out here. 1.00

01:18:52.000 I think the fucking goofy fucks come out here from the East Coast.

01:18:54.000 There's a lot of that.

01:18:55.000 These are the creative, artsy people.

01:18:57.000 Yeah, but I mean, there's a lot of real people here, too.

01:18:58.000 It's a generalization.

01:19:01.000 It's not like one side is really...

01:19:03.000 People always try to play that card.

01:19:05.000 East Coast is real, West Coast is fake.

01:19:06.000 No, there's plenty of real people on the West Coast, too.

01:19:09.000 But I think the percentage out here...

01:19:10.000 Go to fucking Manhattan.

01:19:11.000 There's tons of little cunts in Manhattan. 1.00

01:19:12.000 Manhattan!

01:19:13.000 That's not what it used to be, dog.

01:19:14.000 It's just like this sunset bullshit.

01:19:16.000 Little young kids drinking water, drinking five-hour energy.

01:19:19.000 There's still dudes living in Jersey.

01:19:21.000 I know what you're saying.

01:19:21.000 Yeah, I don't want to see that shit.

01:19:22.000 I think Long Island.

01:19:24.000 I think if you add it all up, there's still more real- Oh, no, no.

01:19:27.000 In the suburbs, there's a ton of shit.

01:19:29.000 Hey, dog, I grew up with my buddies.

01:19:30.000 I love my buddies.

01:19:31.000 They were there for me when I needed them the most, and they're still fucking there.

01:19:34.000 You following me?

01:19:35.000 I'm going home for five days to smoke some dope.

01:19:38.000 I already flew it over there.

01:19:40.000 It's flown already.

01:19:41.000 They got an ounce of earthquake and an ounce of fucking moon rocks over there.

01:19:45.000 And I'm taking a sour diesel with me.

01:19:47.000 I got a Sativa now at the fucking NOCC. They got a sour diesel that's so fucking strong, God.

01:19:55.000 So I'm just going back to smoke dope.

01:19:57.000 Are you worried at all about all this shit that's happening?

01:20:00.000 Are you worried at all about all these fucking people in the Middle East that are trying to overthrow their government?

01:20:04.000 All these different countries that are fighting off revolts.

01:20:06.000 You're not worried about it?

01:20:07.000 Fucking...

01:20:08.000 This is what 2012 is.

01:20:10.000 Is it real?

01:20:11.000 The end of the world is not coming.

01:20:14.000 All this shit is going to go somewhere.

01:20:15.000 This radiation is going to leak.

01:20:17.000 Where are these people going to fucking go?

01:20:18.000 This is all about adjustment.

01:20:20.000 What's our next fucking move now after 2012?

01:20:23.000 We might not be able to drink the water ever again.

01:20:26.000 There's something.

01:20:26.000 Something's got to happen.

01:20:27.000 How's that going to work?

01:20:30.000 What's going to happen there?

01:20:31.000 We're going to have to all drink bottled water?

01:20:32.000 Half of the ocean is contaminated with the oil.

01:20:35.000 Yeah, you take a shower.

01:20:36.000 You should just have a room where you just get a couple extra bottles like Arrowhead every week.

01:20:42.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:20:43.000 If something really bad happens, you've got to get the fuck out of here.

01:20:47.000 That's the reality.

01:20:49.000 The reality is California is massively overpopulated.

01:20:52.000 And everyone is playing musical chairs.

01:20:54.000 And everyone is hoping that that fucking music doesn't stop on their watch.

01:20:57.000 They're hoping that somehow or another they're, you know, safely in the backyard, not near any trees when the shit hits the fan.

01:21:03.000 Right.

01:21:03.000 You know?

01:21:04.000 Just taking a guess.

01:21:05.000 Just hoping.

01:21:06.000 Well, nothing's happened since 94. Yeah, but if you look over the course of human history, 94 is a blink of an eye.

01:21:11.000 If you look over the course of the history of the world, it's not even that.

01:21:15.000 There's a lot of shit that's going to happen to this place.

01:21:17.000 This was not shaped like this.

01:21:19.000 When you look out the window and you see those mountains, those weren't made with a mold.

01:21:25.000 That's the lava and the fucking ground moving and...

01:21:29.000 Tectonic plates shifting.

01:21:31.000 There's a reason why it's 12,000 fucking feet above sea level.

01:21:35.000 That shit rocketed over the course of who knows how long.

01:21:39.000 It changes.

01:21:40.000 We know that the entire Earth supposedly had one continent.

01:21:43.000 That's the whole Pangea theory.

01:21:45.000 That there was one continent and they split up because of all sorts of different events and became Africa and North America and...

01:21:51.000 Some shit's happening, bro.

01:21:52.000 We just threw off a rotation a little bit from that last earthquake, so what the fuck's that gonna happen?

01:21:57.000 I mean, Japan moved eight feet.

01:21:58.000 Yeah.

01:21:58.000 The shore moved eight feet.

01:22:00.000 Eight feet, nine feet.

01:22:02.000 Dude, there's a divide somewhere out there, they said, that's 270 miles long and 50 miles wide, where the actual epicenter of the earthquake was.

01:22:11.000 Wow.

01:22:11.000 What happened was, beyond our comprehension, and yet still nothing in comparison to shit that's happened before.

01:22:18.000 You know, they still don't know what the fuck stopped the Ice Age.

01:22:21.000 You know, the Ice Age was just 10,000 years ago, which is nothing.

01:22:25.000 10,000 years ago, most of North America was under a mile-high sheet of ice.

01:22:30.000 Wrap your fucking head around that.

01:22:32.000 Canada, ice.

01:22:33.000 All the fucking North Dakota, South, that shit was a mile-high of ice.

01:22:38.000 Woolly mammoths were running around, saber-toothed tigers and shit.

01:22:42.000 It was a totally different world, just 10,000 years ago.

01:22:45.000 What?

01:22:46.000 That ain't global warming because of humans. 0.98

01:22:49.000 What caused that?

01:22:50.000 What caused that radical change in the atmosphere?

01:22:53.000 They don't know.

01:22:54.000 What if it just keeps on getting hotter and hotter and it turns into a sun and the sun was like the last earth?

01:22:59.000 That's stupid.

01:22:59.000 They know more than that.

01:23:02.000 This is like shit that you would say when you were 14 before you even went to any science classes.

01:23:09.000 What if the earth becomes like a person and says, hey, stop polluting my water, man?

01:23:13.000 It doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you that the earth, the next one is either here or Seattle.

01:23:19.000 Oregon, yeah.

01:23:20.000 It doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you that.

01:23:21.000 Yeah.

01:23:21.000 You know?

01:23:22.000 This whole West Coast.

01:23:23.000 All we could do is pray for the past.

01:23:25.000 Or Vancouver.

01:23:25.000 It could be Vancouver.

01:23:26.000 All you bitches with iPhones, you better make sure that shit hooks up. 1.00

01:23:29.000 Let's see if you got an app for your fucking earthquake.

01:23:32.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:23:32.000 They do have that.

01:23:33.000 They do have that.

01:23:34.000 Great apps for earthquake apps.

01:23:36.000 Really?

01:23:36.000 They tell you where the earthquakes are?

01:23:37.000 Great maps.

01:23:38.000 It has notifications to pop up.

01:23:40.000 When it's going to be here, like 10 minutes before, call me, all right?

01:23:43.000 Because that's the fucking app I need.

01:23:45.000 Well, you just need to get a dog.

01:23:46.000 You just need to get a dog and sit really close to him.

01:23:48.000 And see if he digs the fucking trench.

01:23:49.000 Yeah.

01:23:49.000 Ultimately, what can we do, though?

01:23:51.000 What can we do?

01:23:51.000 Do we escape?

01:23:52.000 Do we live like survivalists and move to the fucking Mojave and buy space in one of those underground bunkers that you can...

01:23:59.000 You want to probably go to the middle of the country.

01:24:02.000 Do you, though?

01:24:03.000 How do we know?

01:24:04.000 North Texas.

01:24:04.000 Austin, Texas.

01:24:05.000 Well, what if that's where the fucking asteroid hits?

01:24:08.000 Yeah, well...

01:24:09.000 One thing about Texas is you know they're going to go down swinging.

01:24:11.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:24:12.000 We're going to go down swinging.

01:24:13.000 And it's most protected by land.

01:24:14.000 There's that.

01:24:15.000 There's that.

01:24:15.000 The Mexicans.

01:24:16.000 We're going down swinging.

01:24:17.000 Well, I like Texas and I like Austin.

01:24:19.000 I would totally be down with Texas if they could just do something about their fucking weed laws. 1.00

01:24:23.000 Their weed laws are so ridiculous.

01:24:25.000 Trust me.

01:24:27.000 It's easy to get weed.

01:24:28.000 Trust me, you don't get the same weed.

01:24:30.000 I have friends in Austin.

01:24:31.000 Nowadays you do.

01:24:32.000 No, you don't.

01:24:33.000 You can't get sativas, bro.

01:24:35.000 Not the shit we're getting here.

01:24:35.000 Why couldn't they grow?

01:24:36.000 You don't think people grow sativas?

01:24:38.000 Because it ain't easy, bro.

01:24:40.000 It ain't easy and it's not the same yield.

01:24:43.000 The reason why people grow sativas is because there's a bunch of people here who are connoisseurs and that's what they want.

01:24:47.000 And the people that are growing it want it.

01:24:49.000 But the people that are just looking to make money, it takes more time to grow sativas than it does indica.

01:24:53.000 And they have to be grown indoors.

01:24:55.000 You can't grow them outdoors here.

01:24:56.000 Yeah, I know, but there's weed snobs in Texas. 1.00

01:24:58.000 I'm sure there are, dude, but it ain't that easy to find.

01:25:01.000 But can I get up at 7.30 in the morning and go buy a bag of dope with an attorney and a construction worker and eat a bagel?

01:25:07.000 That's the question.

01:25:08.000 You know what?

01:25:09.000 As long as nobody else has this, I'm going to wait it out.

01:25:11.000 Just buy more weed. 0.86

01:25:12.000 No, I'm going to wait.

01:25:13.000 No, you're wrong, Brian, because you've got to deal with drug dealers.

01:25:16.000 You've got to deal with people that are willing to go to jail because they're selling weed, and that's the reality of the situation.

01:25:20.000 But that's what we've been doing for the last 30 years.

01:25:22.000 That ain't bad.

01:25:23.000 That's okay.

01:25:24.000 It's okay.

01:25:24.000 I never had a problem.

01:25:26.000 Yeah, but it ain't as good as what we've got now.

01:25:29.000 If you want to live in Texas, you can live in Texas and get the good weed you're getting now.

01:25:33.000 I mean, you know.

01:25:33.000 Yeah, you could figure out a way to get to it.

01:25:35.000 I could care less about where the fuck I live to control the weed. 0.83

01:25:37.000 I'm telling you.

01:25:38.000 Yeah, you know what you do?

01:25:39.000 You hire some kid who's like a fucking... 1.00

01:25:41.000 Buy a big house and grow a couple plants.

01:25:44.000 You hire some kid who's like a PA on a set.

01:25:47.000 Listen, buddy, you want to make a quick thousand bucks?

01:25:49.000 And you give him $5,000 worth of weed.

01:25:50.000 You take him to his body and you put him on a Greyhound bus. 0.58

01:25:53.000 I used to grow in my closet in Ohio, and it fucking was great.

01:25:58.000 It was awesome weed.

01:25:59.000 I've always been a real motherfucking head since day one, guys.

01:26:04.000 So the people I ran with were real heads, and we attract each other.

01:26:07.000 When I lived in Colorado, that's some of the wildest fucking weed I got in Aspen in that high altitude in Boulder.

01:26:12.000 But the people I ran with were heads, people who understand that concept.

01:26:16.000 Yeah, like-minded people will find like-minded people.

01:26:18.000 Like, when I find people, I can tell when somebody's a professional, I can tell a fucking amateur.

01:26:22.000 And when you run into a fucking professional pot smoker, just the look is as good as a wink to a blind horse.

01:26:27.000 They just give you that look.

01:26:28.000 A real weed guy will pull you over like I did with that dude. 1.00

01:26:31.000 I didn't know this motherfucker.

01:26:32.000 I didn't know him, but that's a nigger that I fucking am.

01:26:35.000 I said to him, you look hot.

01:26:37.000 This man looked at me like I was a fucking genie.

01:26:39.000 He's like, how'd you know I left it on the dresser?

01:26:42.000 Right there, I went in my pot and gave him a butter weed.

01:26:45.000 You mean your balls?

01:26:45.000 Ryan would say, did you take this out of your balls?

01:26:47.000 Oh my God.

01:26:48.000 He's a professional.

01:26:49.000 Whoa, come on.

01:26:50.000 I'm going to put this in a fucking pipe.

01:26:52.000 That's the truth.

01:26:53.000 You'd say, I can't believe it came out of your balls.

01:26:55.000 No, a professional pot smoker or look at that butt in Ohio and go, You're a bad motherfucker, Doug.

01:27:02.000 Thank you.

01:27:04.000 Wow.

01:27:04.000 I got news for you, Joey.

01:27:06.000 I don't think I'm a professional pot smoker.

01:27:08.000 No, no, no.

01:27:09.000 This is 30 years, Doug.

01:27:11.000 This is 30 years.

01:27:11.000 I got news for you.

01:27:12.000 If you pull the butt out of your balls, I've been like, no, I'll be home in five hours.

01:27:16.000 You smoked weed for me before that was in my nuts, and so have you.

01:27:20.000 Big fucking deal.

01:27:21.000 That's a professional dog.

01:27:22.000 I don't play that stupid nonsense shit.

01:27:25.000 Could you imagine Joey coming up to you and go, Hey guys, I got some weed in my balls.

01:27:31.000 Do you want it?

01:27:32.000 I don't say that to you.

01:27:34.000 When you're at a fucking airport and you're waiting out line, and you're a professional and you left your weed at home, and you've been waiting for fucking three hours, and all of a sudden, trust me, bro, a professional weed guy never lets you leave their house without weed.

01:27:46.000 There's things professionals do, dog, that they know.

01:27:49.000 You call a professional at two in the morning and go, dog, I can't sleep.

01:27:52.000 They'll say, come over here and get high with you. 0.81

01:27:54.000 They will not answer the fucking phone.

01:27:56.000 Professionals are different, guys.

01:27:57.000 Do you take days off?

01:27:59.000 Yeah, every once in a while.

01:28:00.000 Like Sundays or a Saturday, I'll take it off.

01:28:02.000 Take the whole day off.

01:28:03.000 How do you feel when you're sober?

01:28:05.000 Like a fucking moron.

01:28:07.000 Like a fucking idiot.

01:28:07.000 I can't focus.

01:28:09.000 I'm walking around confused.

01:28:10.000 No, I gotta be honest.

01:28:12.000 It's kind of nice to take a couple days off.

01:28:13.000 Yeah?

01:28:14.000 Yeah.

01:28:14.000 It's kind of nice.

01:28:15.000 I take many days off in a row.

01:28:17.000 But I still like getting high at night, like sometimes at night, just to sizzle it.

01:28:21.000 You know what I don't take off?

01:28:23.000 When I'm writing.

01:28:23.000 I don't write.

01:28:24.000 No, no, no.

01:28:24.000 I write high every time.

01:28:25.000 You've got to write high.

01:28:26.000 I write high every time.

01:28:27.000 I get goofy!

01:28:28.000 Well, I don't.

01:28:28.000 I mean, I do write high.

01:28:30.000 I mean, I do write sober sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning.

01:28:32.000 A lot of times I do revisions on things, and I like to review it from a bunch of different states.

01:28:36.000 But when I write high, man, it's like there's a symphony playing in my mind.

01:28:41.000 It's like there's music, and music comes through these words, and there's lights, and there's dancing going on in my head.

01:28:48.000 When I'm high, there's a lot of shit happening.

01:28:49.000 When I'm sober, I'm slowly piecing it together.

01:28:53.000 It's like the difference between typing with your fingers, when you don't know how to type, when you're just using your index finger and you're going, T. H. And when you can type when you don't even have to look.

01:29:04.000 You know, like right now, I can type.

01:29:05.000 I don't have to look at the keys.

01:29:06.000 I know how to type.

01:29:07.000 Especially if I get loose and I get relaxed.

01:29:09.000 It's that much of a difference.

01:29:11.000 It's like it flows.

01:29:12.000 It's like it connects you to whatever the fuck it is.

01:29:15.000 Whatever it is that makes you creative, it connects you to it better.

01:29:19.000 When I write comedy, I like to be stoned.

01:29:22.000 When I write the one-man show, I like to be a little on the straight side.

01:29:25.000 Really?

01:29:26.000 Are you still writing?

01:29:27.000 You did that a bunch of times.

01:29:28.000 No, no.

01:29:28.000 This is the real deal.

01:29:30.000 This is from the time I came from Cuba to me finding my money.

01:29:33.000 This is a new one that you're doing.

01:29:34.000 I'm doing the workshop April 20th.

01:29:36.000 Where at?

01:29:36.000 I'm doing it in North Hollywood.

01:29:37.000 I got a producer to put some money up and do it in Hollywood nice.

01:29:41.000 I'm going to really rough the house, man.

01:29:42.000 April 20th, huh?

01:29:43.000 Yeah, it's a Thursday night.

01:29:45.000 And where is it at again?

01:29:45.000 Say where it's at.

01:29:46.000 I'm going to do it at this theater in Lancashire, just for 40 people.

01:29:50.000 Just to get the writing down and have people make notes and say, Joey, I like this.

01:29:55.000 But I didn't like this.

01:29:57.000 April 20th?

01:29:58.000 Is that what you said?

01:29:58.000 It's a Thursday night, I think.

01:30:00.000 Or 20, baby.

01:30:01.000 It's a Wednesday night.

01:30:02.000 No, it's the 21st.

01:30:04.000 21st, yeah.

01:30:04.000 Thursday night.

01:30:05.000 Yeah.

01:30:06.000 Okay.

01:30:07.000 Well, I'm going to go, though.

01:30:08.000 It's really weird.

01:30:09.000 And that's what I do when I'm having a hard time writing comedy.

01:30:12.000 I write the one-man show, and I get myself in a different state.

01:30:15.000 The one-man show is a little sadder.

01:30:17.000 It's about what was going up as a kid.

01:30:20.000 So you try to find the humor in it, and...

01:30:23.000 Sometimes it's pretty fucking cool.

01:30:24.000 Dude, there's another quake that just hit Chile.

01:30:27.000 There you go, bitches. 1.00

01:30:28.000 What number?

01:30:28.000 Santiago and Santiago Chile.

01:30:30.000 What number?

01:30:31.000 I don't know.

01:30:32.000 I don't know.

01:30:33.000 And I got a thing yesterday that said that some guy predicted from some weather thing that it was going to either be on the 16th or the 17th.

01:30:41.000 There's going to be another earthquake.

01:30:43.000 So he was money.

01:30:44.000 He was fucking money.

01:30:45.000 He said another earthquake was definitely going to happen on the 16th.

01:30:47.000 Today's the motherfucking 16th.

01:30:50.000 This thing in Japan with this nuclear reactor is freaking me out.

01:30:56.000 Here's what's freaking me out.

01:30:58.000 They didn't know what to do if the power went off.

01:31:02.000 They had eight hours of backup and then it starts a meltdown because they can't cool the rods.

01:31:09.000 So they're pumping ocean water onto the rods to try to cool them off.

01:31:13.000 I can't believe that this is how they design these things.

01:31:17.000 You're living in a place where earthquakes happen all the time.

01:31:20.000 Now if an earthquake happens and the power goes out and something goes wrong, you don't have a way to cool this fucking thing.

01:31:26.000 Doesn't the ocean water work though?

01:31:28.000 No, not really.

01:31:29.000 I mean, it's doing okay.

01:31:30.000 It's keeping it from fucking exploding and blowing a hole through the earth.

01:31:35.000 Right.

01:31:35.000 What they're doing right now is real dangerous because all this shit is going to get into the atmosphere.

01:31:41.000 All this radiation, they can't really contain.

01:31:43.000 Right.

01:31:43.000 I mean, unless they're going to figure out a way to drop some sort of a gigantic dome over the whole area and seal it off.

01:31:50.000 You know, a giant lead dome.

01:31:51.000 How the fuck are they going to stop this radiation from getting out into the atmosphere?

01:31:55.000 What's the worst case scenario you're looking at?

01:31:57.000 I don't know.

01:31:58.000 They're talking about this.

01:31:59.000 See, they tried to downplay it at first, saying that it's going to be fine.

01:32:02.000 But now, on CNN, there's a new official report.

01:32:06.000 This guy says that spent fuel rods are exposed, and this heightens concerns.

01:32:10.000 So spent fuel rods in the uniform of Japan's stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant have been exposed, resulting in the emission of extremely high levels of radiation.

01:32:22.000 The head of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission said on Wednesday, this is fucking dangerous shit, man.

01:32:27.000 And what's scary is we have these things all over the place.

01:32:29.000 There's like 150 of these in this country.

01:32:33.000 Maybe it will morph, get into the human...

01:32:36.000 I don't know.

01:32:37.000 Do you see the map of the radiation?

01:32:39.000 It's going to hit California?

01:32:40.000 I don't know if that's legit.

01:32:42.000 Is that legit?

01:32:42.000 I don't know.

01:32:43.000 No, it's not going to hit California, say no.

01:32:44.000 Well, how do you know?

01:32:46.000 Is that map real?

01:32:47.000 Really?

01:32:47.000 I don't know.

01:32:48.000 I don't know how it carries.

01:32:50.000 Now, what direction?

01:32:51.000 You know what's sad about Japan is that they have that place called Okinawa where it's beautiful and it's the place on the earth where the people live the longest.

01:33:00.000 Really?

01:33:01.000 That's where that coral calcium fad came from, right?

01:33:05.000 They don't know if it's the fish.

01:33:07.000 They don't know if it's the island.

01:33:09.000 It just kills me that that's the end of that fucking party.

01:33:13.000 Because that's it.

01:33:15.000 That's all going to be contaminated.

01:33:16.000 Right.

01:33:17.000 The radiation's going to make...

01:33:20.000 Yeah, what is going to happen?

01:33:22.000 That's the crazy thing about nuclear power.

01:33:24.000 Yeah, it works great.

01:33:25.000 And it's better than coal because coal totally fucks up the atmosphere and creates...

01:33:30.000 Greenhouse gases and all that shit.

01:33:31.000 But man, when nuclear goes bad, it fucking really goes bad.

01:33:35.000 The idea behind it is so crazy.

01:33:39.000 With nuclear power, you're harnessing the very power, the very thing that makes suns.

01:33:45.000 The very power of the suns.

01:33:46.000 It's all atomic.

01:33:49.000 You're dealing with shit that we don't totally have control over yet.

01:33:53.000 We have control over it for periods of time.

01:33:56.000 But the bottom line about nuclear power is, no matter what you do, you've got nuclear waste.

01:34:01.000 And you've got nuclear waste that's going to be around forever!

01:34:05.000 You gotta figure out a place to put it.

01:34:06.000 You know what I mean?

01:34:07.000 That's like what they do in Nevada.

01:34:09.000 There's always disputes and debates about where to put this shit.

01:34:13.000 That's one of the reasons why Nevada got gambling.

01:34:16.000 Why Nevada was allowed to have casinos.

01:34:18.000 They let them blow bombs off in the fucking desert.

01:34:22.000 Shit.

01:34:23.000 Let's move.

01:34:23.000 Here's the thing, man.

01:34:24.000 Move to where?

01:34:26.000 When you get a bunch of million people like we have in L.A., 20 million people, well, fuck, man.

01:34:30.000 How are you going to power everything?

01:34:32.000 You got a lot of refrigerators going on, man.

01:34:34.000 You got a lot of gas machines pumping gas.

01:34:36.000 You got a lot of trucks that have to drop off that gas.

01:34:38.000 You got a lot of shit happening, man.

01:34:40.000 Imagine people start leaving here if something bad does happen.

01:34:43.000 The 170, the 409. Oh, my God.

01:34:46.000 Are you kidding me?

01:34:47.000 It's impossible.

01:34:48.000 Bro.

01:34:49.000 We would all have to just walk out of here.

01:34:51.000 It would take days of bumper-to-bumper traffic to clear out LA. Days and days and days.

01:34:56.000 No gas would work.

01:34:57.000 No one would be able to go far.

01:34:58.000 We'd all get stuck in the desert and die.

01:34:59.000 Cars would be broken down.

01:35:01.000 People would be screaming, let me in your car.

01:35:02.000 Let me in your car.

01:35:03.000 It'd be some zombie shit, bro.

01:35:05.000 It'd be some zombie shit.

01:35:06.000 It'd be some road warrior shit.

01:35:07.000 Thank God.

01:35:07.000 It's really possible, man.

01:35:09.000 It's really possible.

01:35:10.000 Our society is incredibly fragile.

01:35:13.000 And we're starting to see it.

01:35:14.000 This seems like a weird thing that's happening.

01:35:16.000 Because every day, things just keep getting weirder and weirder.

01:35:20.000 It really does seem like we're in a movie now.

01:35:22.000 Like this Charlie Sheen thing happens.

01:35:24.000 And even the Kim Kardashian thing.

01:35:26.000 It all seems so surreal.

01:35:28.000 And then as all this is going on, earthquake in Chile, earthquake in New Zealand, floods in Australia.

01:35:34.000 And it's just constantly happening.

01:35:36.000 A million people dying.

01:35:37.000 The fish die.

01:35:38.000 Where's his piss test at?

01:35:40.000 That's been missing.

01:35:40.000 Nobody can find the Tiago Silva fucker.

01:35:43.000 That earthquake in Chile is only a 5.3.

01:35:45.000 It's an earthquake.

01:35:47.000 It's still an earthquake.

01:35:47.000 Yeah, but there's earthquakes every day.

01:35:49.000 I'm a earthquake map freak.

01:35:51.000 It's a pimple somewhere.

01:35:52.000 Somewhere along the line.

01:35:53.000 5.3 ain't nothing.

01:35:55.000 I'm scared.

01:35:56.000 Joey Diaz is going to be in New York this weekend.

01:35:59.000 Tell them what you were saying the other day about Northridge.

01:36:04.000 What's the difference between the 5.4?

01:36:05.000 Every point is 100% stronger than the preceding point.

01:36:09.000 So a 5.1 is 100% stronger than a 5.0.

01:36:15.000 That is crazy.

01:36:17.000 Now, the crazy one is the one in Alaska, apparently, that happened in the 60s, I think it was.

01:36:21.000 I think it was 65. It was a 9.2.

01:36:25.000 Wow.

01:36:25.000 So a 9.1, 100% stronger than the one in Japan, and it is 100% stronger than that!

01:36:31.000 Wow.

01:36:33.000 Damn, son!

01:36:34.000 Let me ask you something.

01:36:35.000 9.2 for four fucking minutes, that shit rocked. 0.96

01:36:38.000 No, thank you.

01:36:38.000 Apparently you could feel it in San Francisco.

01:36:40.000 That's crazy.

01:36:41.000 If right now, what happened in Japan, if you were home tonight, and a 5.3 earthquake, you'd think it's the end.

01:36:47.000 Just when your thing starts shaking, I'd just drop my fucking, I'd just get to my hands and knees and say a prayer.

01:36:53.000 Oh, I'd get the fuck out of my house.

01:36:55.000 I'd run right out the front door.

01:36:56.000 Think about those people in Chile, what they were thinking.

01:36:58.000 This is the beginning of the end.

01:36:59.000 Again, they just got hit a year and a half ago, not even.

01:37:02.000 Yeah.

01:37:03.000 And you know, guys, the reality is that this is not the big concern.

01:37:06.000 This is one small minor thing that you can avoid by not living on a fault line.

01:37:10.000 The real concern is super volcanoes and asteroids.

01:37:13.000 Those are the real concerns.

01:37:15.000 Because there's hundreds of thousands of rocks out there in space that can fuck up everything.

01:37:21.000 Yeah.

01:37:22.000 They're flying around and every now and then they collide with one another and one of them gets hurled towards Earth and it slams in and that's a wrap.

01:37:29.000 That's a wrap for this life.

01:37:30.000 That's a wrap for this generation.

01:37:32.000 That's a wrap for this developmental cycle of biological matter.

01:37:36.000 It's all going to have to regroup.

01:37:37.000 You're going to have nothing but rats.

01:37:40.000 You know, rats will survive. 0.90

01:37:41.000 A few mice and rats are going to be picking off decaying flesh and surviving on cannibalism until they slowly evolve over billions and billions of years.

01:37:48.000 And that's why you want to live in New York or Washington, D.C. or L.A. because the asteroid, if that really hit one of those places, that would be too cheesy, you know?

01:37:58.000 An asteroid wouldn't hit L.A. because it's too cheesy?

01:38:00.000 Because that's what you would expect.

01:38:01.000 You would expect it to do that.

01:38:03.000 So where would the asteroid be?

01:38:04.000 Even one, like the one in Nevada where you can go visit, that crater, that crater wasn't that long ago.

01:38:12.000 I think it was that long ago.

01:38:13.000 100,000 years ago or 80,000 years ago.

01:38:15.000 When that fucking thing hit, man, it probably killed everything within miles and miles.

01:38:20.000 You know, it's a half a mile long the crater, I think, or a mile maybe.

01:38:24.000 Whatever the fuck it is.

01:38:25.000 I mean, that thing must have killed so many fucking people or so many things, whatever was near it.

01:38:30.000 And when you think about something like that landing right in the middle of L.A., like right in the middle of downtown.

01:38:35.000 That's crazy.

01:38:35.000 Fuck!

01:38:37.000 Just a half a mile wide crater right where downtown LA used to be.

01:38:41.000 Nothing's there.

01:38:42.000 Boom! 0.99

01:38:42.000 Just a bowl. 0.99

01:38:44.000 A bowl and everything out from...

01:38:45.000 We're all dead.

01:38:46.000 We're dead.

01:38:47.000 Right out here, for sure, we're dead.

01:38:49.000 30 miles away, whatever it is.

01:38:50.000 Hundreds of miles away, you're probably dead.

01:38:52.000 People out in Pasadena, dead.

01:38:54.000 People out in Pittsfield, dead, dead, dead.

01:38:57.000 You're dead.

01:38:57.000 You're too far away.

01:38:58.000 I mean, you can't get too far away.

01:39:00.000 I mean, probably in San Francisco, people would be dead.

01:39:01.000 400 miles, probably dead.

01:39:04.000 And this happens all the time.

01:39:06.000 It happens all the time.

01:39:07.000 You know what the saddest thing was yesterday?

01:39:09.000 My wife said to me, Joe, if something ever happened, it would take me three hours to walk home from work.

01:39:15.000 Wow.

01:39:16.000 Fourteen miles.

01:39:17.000 It's true.

01:39:18.000 Take you forever.

01:39:19.000 Just for her to say that to me, I was like...

01:39:20.000 She gotta think about shit like that.

01:39:22.000 Is that how you're thinking?

01:39:23.000 Try to bring a pair of roller skates to work.

01:39:24.000 Right, and the problem is three hours, if she gets off work at six, then you're dealing with creepy shit at night.

01:39:29.000 You know, you're walking home at night, and who knows what the fuck is happening by the time these three hours are up, where total chaos is set in.

01:39:35.000 Yeah, I asked her, what would you do?

01:39:36.000 Would you walk on, and she goes, I would just stay right on the fucking highway, right on the 101 or something, I don't know.

01:39:42.000 These concerns didn't even enter into people's heads just weeks ago.

01:39:45.000 Just this fucking earthquake.

01:39:46.000 Just weeks ago.

01:39:47.000 Weeks ago, people were, like, immune to it all, you know?

01:39:50.000 Now it's, like, slowly letting us know it's on its way, stupid.

01:39:54.000 Yeah, I was in whatever, the Magic Club, the other, you know, wherever, what's that place called?

01:39:59.000 Comedy Magic?

01:40:00.000 Yeah, in Hermosa Beach.

01:40:02.000 Just going to Hermosa was kind of weird, because I just got done watching all this Japan shit, and then being by the ocean, just kind of like, oh, that's the stuff. 0.95

01:40:11.000 People died in California, bro.

01:40:12.000 People died in the tsunami.

01:40:14.000 They get sucked into the water.

01:40:15.000 There was a photographer that was taking pictures in front of a crowd of people and just got sucked in Northern California.

01:40:21.000 Sucked right off the beach, man.

01:40:22.000 Wow.

01:40:22.000 It fucked up.

01:40:23.000 And they were all screaming for him.

01:40:25.000 These guys just drowned.

01:40:27.000 See ya.

01:40:28.000 They pull it out.

01:40:29.000 When that tide comes in, did you see some of those waves?

01:40:33.000 It's incredible.

01:40:34.000 They did a lot of damage in Marina Del Rey.

01:40:36.000 Really?

01:40:36.000 A lot of damage in docks.

01:40:37.000 Yeah.

01:40:37.000 I mean, the tide went really high.

01:40:40.000 Especially in Northern California, apparently.

01:40:42.000 That's where it really hit.

01:40:43.000 But this poor fuck was taking pictures in front of a bunch of people. 1.00

01:40:46.000 Now, last week, supposedly, before the earthquake, a bunch of fish were dead.

01:40:50.000 Yeah, Redondo.

01:40:51.000 I read something two days ago.

01:40:53.000 Still stinks over there, man.

01:40:54.000 Yeah, it still stinks.

01:40:55.000 They said that maybe...

01:40:56.000 Hermosa stunk, man.

01:40:58.000 Yeah, it smells weird.

01:41:01.000 It smells like worms.

01:41:02.000 Yeah, like really old, dead shit.

01:41:04.000 Because there was a million dead fish.

01:41:06.000 Do you think it had something to do with the earthquake?

01:41:08.000 I don't know what the fuck it had to do with.

01:41:10.000 Well, they said that they died because of the lack of oxygen, and then they said that there's some sort of a toxin in the water.

01:41:16.000 So they were poisoned by something.

01:41:18.000 So they don't know exactly.

01:41:19.000 They don't get the full results of what happened.

01:41:21.000 But what's really spooky is the same thing is happening in Mexico. 0.77

01:41:24.000 In Acapulco, there's photos of all these fish that are on the surface of the water.

01:41:27.000 It's the same type of fish.

01:41:29.000 It's all sardines and some mackerel, and there's millions of them, and they're on the surface of the fucking water, and they can't figure out why.

01:41:35.000 But people are driving up in boats, and they're scooping up these fish in buckets, and the fish can't go anywhere.

01:41:40.000 They're literally stuck to the surface of the water.

01:41:43.000 They don't know what they're trying to do.

01:41:44.000 If there's no oxygen, they're trying to snap out the air to get oxygen into their body somehow.

01:41:49.000 No one knows exactly why they're at the surface of the water.

01:41:51.000 It's a total mystery.

01:41:52.000 But people are just scooping them up in buckets.

01:41:55.000 So this is basically sort of similar to what happened in Redondo.

01:41:58.000 Something is happening to giant schools of fish and they don't know why.

01:42:01.000 And they're thinking that, you know, in the Redondo, like I said, they think it's some sort of a poison, but they don't have any idea why or what.

01:42:07.000 It's probably some kind of weird terrorist act thing.

01:42:09.000 Could you imagine it was some crazy Christian motherfucker? 1.00

01:42:11.000 One of these May 21st assholes.

01:42:13.000 Right, absolutely.

01:42:14.000 I'll poison the water just to get their attention.

01:42:17.000 Yeah, it's probably some retard. 1.00

01:42:18.000 I'll show them.

01:42:19.000 The Lord is very mysterious.

01:42:22.000 You crazy assholes.

01:42:24.000 These billboards all over town are so nuts.

01:42:26.000 Have you seen these, Joey?

01:42:28.000 That God is coming, May 21st?

01:42:30.000 You motherfucker.

01:42:30.000 Why May 21st?

01:42:31.000 I can't figure out why May 21st.

01:42:33.000 Who knows?

01:42:34.000 The idea behind it is so ridiculous.

01:42:36.000 The idea behind it, first of all...

01:42:38.000 That you could predict the fucking day.

01:42:40.000 You know?

01:42:40.000 Come on.

01:42:41.000 And the day is in what?

01:42:42.000 Is it in the Bible?

01:42:44.000 Is that where you're getting this day from?

01:42:45.000 I've never heard that before.

01:42:46.000 And not only that, even if it wasn't the Bible, the Bible is just a translation of ancient Hebrew, which nobody really totally understands.

01:42:53.000 Ancient Hebrew, to this day, they don't know all the words.

01:42:55.000 And the letters double as numbers.

01:42:57.000 You know?

01:42:58.000 Like, there's no numbers in Hebrew.

01:42:59.000 So the letter A is also the number one.

01:43:01.000 So when you translate that shit to Latin, and you translate it to Greek, and then to English...

01:43:07.000 Who knows what the fuck it really said in the first part?

01:43:09.000 You're not going to get May 21st out of it, dude.

01:43:13.000 And even if it did, do you really think they were right?

01:43:15.000 Do you really believe it all?

01:43:17.000 Is it a religious thing at all?

01:43:19.000 I don't know.

01:43:21.000 He just could be a crackpot, but this motherfucker's buying billboards everywhere.

01:43:24.000 He's buying billboards everywhere.

01:43:25.000 He's got financing!

01:43:26.000 How does he get this money?

01:43:28.000 There's a lot of money in retards. 1.00

01:43:30.000 Dude, retards are everywhere, and they want to believe. 1.00

01:43:32.000 I mean, look, we're friends with Alex.

01:43:34.000 Alex Jones is a nice guy.

01:43:36.000 I like Alex a lot.

01:43:37.000 But there's a lot of people that follow Alex that might as well be following this guy.

01:43:41.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:43:42.000 I mean, they just picked something to get obsessed with.

01:43:45.000 Whether it's the Mayan calendar in 2012, or it's fucking the Jesus apocalypse, or whether it's UFOs, it's all the same mentality to get these motherfuckers obsessed with these things.

01:43:55.000 But what got you off the Mayan calendar?

01:43:57.000 Well, I was never on it.

01:43:59.000 I'm not attached or married, I try not to be at least, to almost everything that I think.

01:44:03.000 Everything that I believe about everything.

01:44:06.000 I'm open to reinterpretation at all times.

01:44:09.000 And the thing about the Mayan calendar is, I think what the Mayans did, and I got this mostly from going to Chichen Itza and talking to this guy who was a professor, who was our guide, who was really an interesting guy.

01:44:22.000 And we talked to this guy for hours.

01:44:24.000 He gave us a tour for like five hours.

01:44:26.000 And he was like, he loved...

01:44:27.000 Yeah, and he loved the fact that I knew so much about the Mayan civilization.

01:44:32.000 So he was an individual guy, like you hire him, you know, for the tour.

01:44:36.000 So he was like really into it because the guy loved the culture, man.

01:44:39.000 He was really obsessed with it and obsessed with the fact that there's this incredible society that basically just vanished.

01:44:45.000 I mean, these guys created some incredible works of architecture, these incredible designs, incredibly intricate calendars, and really these psychedelic languages of images and shit like that.

01:44:56.000 I mean, the way they form sentences, it was very fascinating stuff.

01:45:01.000 And then on top of that, there was all this evidence of a massive deterioration of their society, like a human sacrifice and that kind of shit.

01:45:08.000 What caused all this, man?

01:45:11.000 It's a fucking fascinating thing.

01:45:13.000 But I never believed that they had it wired, that they knew that December 21st, 2012, the end of the cycle.

01:45:18.000 They don't even think that it's the end of the world.

01:45:20.000 No one in the Mayan calendars would say the world ends December 21st.

01:45:23.000 What it is is the end of the long count.

01:45:26.000 And it's just another sequence of events.

01:45:27.000 It's like it ushers in a new cycle.

01:45:29.000 What that means, who knows?

01:45:30.000 It could be a new consciousness.

01:45:32.000 It could be an astrological or an astronomical cycle where, you know, something in the cosmos aligns in a different way.

01:45:39.000 I mean, we know when the moon is closer to us or the moon is further away, it reacts.

01:45:43.000 It changes the tides.

01:45:44.000 It does things.

01:45:45.000 You know, if there's some other astronomical body that – or cosmic body that when it lines up with us, its gravity affects us in a certain way.

01:45:53.000 And it changes some certain things about people or ushers in some new understanding or new appreciation or some new sort of a natural disaster that makes us sort of rethink the way we communicate.

01:46:03.000 Whether it's with cell towers or whether it's with satellites.

01:46:06.000 You know, these satellites get burnt out so we have to figure out a way to reinvent the whole idea of mass communication.

01:46:11.000 That's all.

01:46:11.000 Possible.

01:46:12.000 That could be the reasons why these things, why it's thought of that a new age is coming, you know, and that the Mayans predicted it because they predicted there would be a new atmosphere on Earth.

01:46:20.000 There would be, maybe it's, you know, as simple as the polar ice cap shift and it causes all sorts of fucking havoc and chaos.

01:46:27.000 It could be solar storms.

01:46:29.000 It could easily be that, man.

01:46:30.000 There's a lot of predicted solar storms activity in 2012. You know, they think they could get unprecedented levels of gamma bursts.

01:46:39.000 And they've had those before.

01:46:40.000 Solar storms, like, way, way in the past, where, you know, we didn't have, like, all these satellites and shit.

01:46:45.000 You know, there was, I believe it was in fucking, I think it was the 1950s, I think it was, where there was a giant solar storm, like one of the highest ones ever measured.

01:46:54.000 And they were saying that if that solar storm happened to us today, we literally would knock out communication.

01:47:00.000 We would be fucked.

01:47:01.000 We would probably still have the internet in a lot of areas, but a lot of our power grid would be fucked.

01:47:07.000 A lot of our satellites would be fucked.

01:47:10.000 Solar storms are really unpredictable.

01:47:12.000 And when they happen, man, really big ones could toast this whole society.

01:47:19.000 And maybe that's what happens in 2012, and maybe nothing happens.

01:47:22.000 Maybe nothing will happen.

01:47:23.000 That's all fucking bullshit.

01:47:24.000 I mean, they even said that the math might even be wrong.

01:47:26.000 It might even be 60 days off, you know.

01:47:28.000 Who cares?

01:47:29.000 So what do you think about New York next week, Brad?

01:47:30.000 We're going to have a good time, bro.

01:47:31.000 We're going to be there in New York City, and then we're going to be in New Jersey for the fucking championship of the world.

01:47:37.000 Johnny Bones Jones fights Mauricio Shogun Hua.

01:47:42.000 This is the opportunity, bro.

01:47:43.000 Is there a party in the city afterwards?

01:47:44.000 I'll see you in the city, bro.

01:47:45.000 Yeah, I'm staying in the city.

01:47:47.000 I'm staying in the city.

01:47:48.000 I'm going out there.

01:47:48.000 Yeah, the last time I stayed in Newark, I got tired of hearing sirens all throughout the middle of the night.

01:47:55.000 All night, there were sirens.

01:47:57.000 And I was like, okay, I don't need to stay here.

01:47:59.000 I'll just drive here the next day.

01:48:01.000 So that's my new car.

01:48:03.000 Fuck yeah.

01:48:03.000 I was looking like Jariah Faber today.

01:48:04.000 That motherfucker is definitely Justin Bieber.

01:48:07.000 What are you talking about?

01:48:07.000 He looks just like Justin Bieber, J'Riah Faber.

01:48:10.000 They're the same fucking person.

01:48:12.000 I think he sings and he taps out motherfuckers once every other weekday.

01:48:16.000 That's a great fight.

01:48:17.000 There's a couple great fights on this. - J'Riah Faber's a fascinating dude.

01:48:20.000 I really like talking to him, man.

01:48:21.000 I did an interview with him, and one of the things he talked about is very interesting.

01:48:25.000 He's a very inspirational guy.

01:48:27.000 He's like one of those dudes that gets up in the morning, and he has a list of things that he has written on the wall.

01:48:33.000 These are my goals.

01:48:34.000 I'm going to be world champion by the end of 2011. I'm going to...

01:48:37.000 Meet the girl of my dreams, have three kids.

01:48:40.000 He has all this shit on his wall.

01:48:43.000 The secret.

01:48:44.000 He's big into setting goals and working hard and accomplishing things.

01:48:49.000 He's got a gang of different things going on at once.

01:48:52.000 He owns three different houses and all the fighters live in these houses.

01:48:56.000 They have on a block and they all live together.

01:48:58.000 They get together and cook healthy meals and hang out together.

01:49:00.000 Can you imagine accidentally robbing that place?

01:49:04.000 Yeah, and talking shit because the guy who meets you at the door is only five foot four.

01:49:09.000 Next thing you know, you're flying through the air and landing on your fucking head. 0.65

01:49:14.000 Yeah, this is an awesome card, man.

01:49:17.000 Jon Jones versus Shogun Hua is some fascinating shit, man, because Shogun is the old assassin.

01:49:23.000 And Shogun used to be Jon Jones.

01:49:25.000 He was the 23-year-old guy when he won the Middleweight Grand Prix.

01:49:29.000 Shogun was this young guy that was fucking everybody up, you know?

01:49:32.000 But he had a lot more competition.

01:49:34.000 He had a lot of struggles.

01:49:35.000 You know, he had Hojirio Noguera.

01:49:37.000 That was a struggle.

01:49:38.000 You know, he had some tough fights.

01:49:39.000 He fought, you know, he had some real good competition over there.

01:49:42.000 He had some battles, you know?

01:49:44.000 And he also had some fucking destructing wins, too.

01:49:47.000 Man, Shogun can go out and fuck people up.

01:49:49.000 Like when Rampage was injured, when they fought, Rampage came into the fight with a hurt rib.

01:49:55.000 I shouldn't have ever took the fight in the first place, but I guess he just needed the money.

01:49:58.000 And Shogun just fucking took it to him, man.

01:50:01.000 Shogun is a fucking killer!

01:50:03.000 I just watched Anthony Alistair Overeem.

01:50:06.000 Yeah.

01:50:06.000 Shogun's a killer, man.

01:50:08.000 He's a killer, and he's been around a long time, and he's not going to get rattled.

01:50:11.000 And, you know, and I'm not saying that Jon Jones is, because I think Jon Jones is the fucking truth.

01:50:15.000 I think he's the real deal, dude.

01:50:16.000 And I think he's a super athlete.

01:50:18.000 I think there's certain dudes that just can do things that you can't do, you know, and physically, you know, and when you combine it with intelligence, which he has, and work ethic, which he has, doing all the right things, treating people the right way, good karma.

01:50:32.000 I mean, yeah, he says some things sometimes that I'm sure he'll regret, but he's 20 fucking three years old, you know?

01:50:36.000 It's hard to not be confident.

01:50:38.000 Fear of a black planet, motherfucker.

01:50:39.000 We discussed this already.

01:50:40.000 You said this.

01:50:41.000 You know, a long time ago, they made these super slaves.

01:50:43.000 They thought they were going to get the banks bang out of your buck.

01:50:46.000 That super slave league is called the end motherfucking FL now. 0.91

01:50:49.000 And now they're taking everything from us.

01:50:51.000 Because in two years, they'll be taking...

01:50:53.000 Look at Phil and Mr. Davis.

01:50:54.000 I didn't know he was fighting Antonio Noguera.

01:50:57.000 Mr. Wonderful.

01:50:58.000 Yeah, he's fighting.

01:50:59.000 Oh, yeah.

01:51:00.000 That's...

01:51:00.000 They're both Antonio.

01:51:02.000 Antonio Hogerio and Antonio Rodrigo.

01:51:05.000 Minotaro.

01:51:06.000 The heavyweight guy is Rodrigo.

01:51:08.000 Excuse me.

01:51:09.000 So who's he fighting?

01:51:10.000 Yeah, Rodrigo.

01:51:11.000 Hogerio is the light heavyweight guy.

01:51:13.000 So who's he fighting?

01:51:14.000 He's fighting the light heavyweight guy.

01:51:14.000 Okay, so he's got...

01:51:15.000 He's still a bad motherfucker.

01:51:16.000 That guy submitted Dan Henderson.

01:51:18.000 You know, he beat over him, I believe.

01:51:20.000 I'm pretty sure.

01:51:21.000 And him and Shogun had a fucking war.

01:51:24.000 They had a killer war in Pride.

01:51:26.000 Yeah, man.

01:51:27.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

01:51:28.000 He's got real good hands, too.

01:51:29.000 Hojirio does.

01:51:30.000 That's a great fight.

01:51:32.000 But Jon Jones, man.

01:51:33.000 What I say about Jon Jones, and I always say this, is that when he throws people around, it doesn't look like a normal person doing it.

01:51:39.000 You know what I mean?

01:51:39.000 When you watch a normal, strong dude just horse somebody around, like Matt Hamill.

01:51:44.000 When Matt Hamill horses somebody around, he looks like, here's his...

01:51:48.000 Big ass, tough, strong motherfucker, and he's going to grab ahold of you and he's going to slam you on your ass. 0.97

01:51:52.000 And it just looks like it's supposed to be happening that way.

01:51:54.000 When Jon Jones does it, it looks like some fucking insect.

01:51:58.000 Some insect that can just pick up a log.

01:52:01.000 You know, there's something about how easy he does it.

01:52:03.000 It just doesn't look right.

01:52:04.000 It doesn't look fair.

01:52:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:52:08.000 You watch a beetle move or an ant move like something.

01:52:12.000 Ants can pick up some big ass shit and move it around like it's nothing.

01:52:15.000 It doesn't even shift their balance.

01:52:17.000 That's what it looks like with Jon Jones.

01:52:19.000 He's got arachnid power or something.

01:52:21.000 He's fucking Spider-Man.

01:52:23.000 He launches dudes.

01:52:25.000 When he gets that double overhooks and throws guys through the air, who the fuck is doing that?

01:52:30.000 Who the fuck is doing that?

01:52:32.000 He caught a kick.

01:52:33.000 You know how some people catch your kick?

01:52:35.000 Yeah.

01:52:35.000 He caught it and spun around with an elbow.

01:52:37.000 With an elbow.

01:52:37.000 Stephen Bonner, yeah.

01:52:38.000 That's brilliant.

01:52:39.000 He also tossed Stephen Bonner over the fucking, over his heels.

01:52:42.000 Over his heels.

01:52:42.000 Head over his heels.

01:52:43.000 His heels were up in the air.

01:52:44.000 Yeah, he did.

01:52:45.000 Who the fuck does that to Stephen Bonner?

01:52:46.000 I mean, Stephen Bonner's been around forever.

01:52:48.000 Forever.

01:52:48.000 He goes to show you how tough Stephen Bonner is, by the way.

01:52:50.000 Look, Jon Jones stops everybody.

01:52:52.000 He didn't stop Stephen Bonner.

01:52:53.000 You know, he gave him a beating.

01:52:55.000 But Bonner, that guy's an assassin.

01:52:57.000 He's tough as shit.

01:52:59.000 This is an interesting fight, man.

01:53:00.000 Very interesting.

01:53:01.000 What do you think about Marquard against Miller?

01:53:02.000 Shogun's a killer, bro.

01:53:04.000 You know, I wish Miller had a full training camp.

01:53:06.000 You know, it's a tough fight.

01:53:08.000 Nate Marquardt's a beast.

01:53:09.000 You know, and Miller's tough as fuck.

01:53:10.000 And those Miller boys, man, they'll take a fight.

01:53:12.000 You can call them 20 minutes before the fight starts and they'll change their shoes.

01:53:16.000 Now, was that Miller training for a fight?

01:53:18.000 Yeah, well, he's always training.

01:53:19.000 Those guys are real conscientious.

01:53:21.000 I like Miller.

01:53:22.000 And they know that you always have to be ready because anything can happen.

01:53:25.000 I like Jim Miller.

01:53:26.000 I don't know why.

01:53:26.000 Nate Marquardt's a great practice fighter, and he's great with these guys, but I don't know.

01:53:30.000 Now this motherfucker's got to go into New Jersey.

01:53:32.000 This is Dan.

01:53:33.000 He's got to go into New Jersey, bitch. 1.00

01:53:34.000 Yeah.

01:53:35.000 Got to go into Jersey.

01:53:36.000 It's like the Cowboys going into 49erville in 81. What do you think about Crow Cop fighting still? 0.99

01:53:41.000 Does that freak you out?

01:53:43.000 He's fighting Brendan Schaub, the kid who lost to Big Country in The Ultimate Fighter.

01:53:48.000 I think that Brendan Schraub is improving.

01:53:50.000 He's a bad motherfucker, dude.

01:53:52.000 And I think that Crow Cup is just trying to finish up his contract.

01:53:55.000 You think so?

01:53:57.000 But why?

01:53:58.000 I mean, when the guy keeps getting knocked out like that, I mean, I wonder if he needs money.

01:54:02.000 Do you think he needs money or do you think it's like an ego thing?

01:54:05.000 He's not willing to...

01:54:06.000 I don't know, man.

01:54:07.000 I think this is his last fight.

01:54:08.000 I don't know.

01:54:10.000 I was hoping that he was going to walk away after the Pat Barry fight.

01:54:12.000 That was a good fight.

01:54:13.000 He got a nice victory.

01:54:14.000 But then he fights Frank Mir and gets knocked out.

01:54:17.000 And it just doesn't look right, you know?

01:54:20.000 You know, like seeing a hero.

01:54:22.000 I hope the fucking guy can pull it back together.

01:54:24.000 Look...

01:54:25.000 People don't know that Al Starr Overeem was stopped like nine times.

01:54:28.000 He got beat up by Bobby Hoffman.

01:54:32.000 He got stopped by...

01:54:33.000 I think he got...

01:54:34.000 No, Verdum finished him.

01:54:36.000 Verdum submitted him.

01:54:37.000 A bunch of guys have stopped him, though, including being stopped in K1 and being stopped in kickboxing.

01:54:42.000 Chuck Liddell stopped him.

01:54:44.000 Guys beat him.

01:54:45.000 Oh, uh...

01:54:46.000 Sergei Karotanov knocked him out.

01:54:48.000 He stopped him.

01:54:49.000 So you look at all those guys that beat Alistair, and now Alistair's a fucking destroyer.

01:54:55.000 Like, he bounced back fully.

01:54:57.000 What he did is he started lifting weights and doing crazy power lifting and shit.

01:55:01.000 He got a lot stronger, got super dedicated, really dedicated his whole life 100% to training.

01:55:07.000 And now he's, like, one of the most dangerous and scary guys on the planet.

01:55:10.000 That's a good fight, June 18th.

01:55:11.000 So you can't say Krokop is done.

01:55:13.000 You can never say he's done.

01:55:14.000 But man, it hurts me to watch him lose.

01:55:16.000 It hurts me to watch him be a shadow of who he is.

01:55:19.000 I was so excited about him coming over to the UFC because I thought about the Krokop that fought Noguera in Pride.

01:55:24.000 I thought about the Krokop that fought over Fedor's brother, Alexander.

01:55:33.000 He fucked that dude up, high-kicked him.

01:55:35.000 Igor, he fucked him up.

01:55:37.000 Vovchanchin, high-kicked him, KO'd him.

01:55:39.000 He was just jacking everybody back then, dude.

01:55:41.000 His stand-up was fucking nasty.

01:55:44.000 But by the time he came over to the UFC, man, it wasn't quite the same.

01:55:48.000 He didn't quite have the motivation that he had back then.

01:55:50.000 There was something.

01:55:51.000 Something was missing.

01:55:52.000 It's almost like he achieved so much over there that it was like he went on a mad sprint.

01:55:56.000 Here's a good fucking fight on this card, man.

01:55:58.000 Jim Miller and Kamal Shalarus.

01:56:00.000 Oh, yeah.

01:56:01.000 That's a good fucking fight.

01:56:02.000 That's a good fucking fight.

01:56:03.000 Jim Miller is a beast, dude.

01:56:05.000 Especially after he submitted that kid.

01:56:08.000 Charlie...

01:56:08.000 Fucking what is his name?

01:56:10.000 Olivera, Charles Olivera, that really good jiu-jitsu kid with the good Muay Thai.

01:56:15.000 A small kid, but Miller grabbed ahold of him, got him in a fucking nasty leg lock quick.

01:56:19.000 Really surprised that kid when he tapped him.

01:56:21.000 You know, and Miller's tapped Dwayne Ludwig off his back.

01:56:23.000 He's a fucking kid.

01:56:24.000 And he dropped Ludwig too before that, which is, you know, Ludwig is a sick kickboxer.

01:56:28.000 So this Kamal Shahruz dude's a bad motherfucker too.

01:56:31.000 Really tough, strong dude.

01:56:33.000 This Iranian, I believe he's Iranian.

01:56:34.000 And he's a wrestler.

01:56:36.000 He's got a wrestling base, but like a powerful puncher.

01:56:39.000 He comes forward.

01:56:39.000 So that's a good fucking scrap right there, man.

01:56:41.000 You got Mike Powell, Ricardo Almeida.

01:56:43.000 Fuck yeah.

01:56:44.000 That's going to be real good too, man.

01:56:46.000 You know, Mike Powell's really fucking turning it around.

01:56:48.000 Mike Powell's tricky as fuck, dude.

01:56:49.000 Yes, he is, man.

01:56:50.000 He's tricky.

01:56:51.000 And he's got a real good guard, dude.

01:56:53.000 You got to be careful about that guy when he's on his back, man.

01:56:55.000 And Kurt Bellegrino and Glacen Tebow.

01:56:57.000 There's a lot of good fights in this card.

01:56:59.000 Tebow's favorite.

01:57:00.000 Yeah.

01:57:01.000 150 over 130 or something.

01:57:02.000 A lot of fucking good fights in this card.

01:57:04.000 That's some slugfest, man.

01:57:05.000 So it's going to be great, man.

01:57:06.000 Yeah, and what the fuck is that dude's name?

01:57:09.000 Barboza.

01:57:10.000 He's fighting, too.

01:57:11.000 Edson Barboza.

01:57:12.000 That kid's a fucking beast.

01:57:14.000 That kid's a beast, man.

01:57:16.000 He's fighting Anthony Njukuwani.

01:57:18.000 Anthony Njukuwani's a badass striker from the WEC, one of those guys.

01:57:22.000 Lost a couple fights, but still he's a fucking real dangerous kid.

01:57:26.000 But this Barboza is a fucking assassin.

01:57:28.000 He's a badass striker, dude.

01:57:30.000 A badass striker.

01:57:31.000 The fight's done at what time on set?

01:57:33.000 Well, I think the card, the pay-per-view card is going to be an hour early this week.

01:57:37.000 So, in the East Coast, if it used to be on at 9 o'clock, it's now going to be on at 8 o'clock.

01:57:42.000 It's going to start a day, or it's going to start an hour early.

01:57:44.000 It's going to start, instead of 9, it's going to start at, instead of 10, it's going to start at 9. 9, so that means 6 here, okay.

01:57:49.000 Yeah, 6 here.

01:57:51.000 So, that's the deal.

01:57:53.000 I get off the plane at 4.45.

01:57:55.000 I go to my hotel, take a shower, and I can shoot right back out to New York.

01:57:59.000 Shazam! 0.80

01:57:59.000 We're going to have some fucking fun. 0.80

01:58:01.000 Next weekend, I am in Portland.

01:58:05.000 No.

01:58:06.000 Where am I? Seattle.

01:58:07.000 Seattle.

01:58:08.000 At the Moore Theater.

01:58:09.000 Yeah.

01:58:10.000 And there's still a few tickets left, but not much.

01:58:12.000 So that's on Friday.

01:58:14.000 It'll probably sell out that day.

01:58:15.000 So if you want in, don't snooze, bitches. 1.00

01:58:18.000 And then following week, Joey will be with me at Helium in Portland.

01:58:22.000 Portland, Oregon.

01:58:22.000 Joey can go to Portland.

01:58:25.000 If Oregon is still there, we'll be there too.

01:58:28.000 Which is a scary, scary fucking consideration.

01:58:31.000 So we'll see you there at the end of the month.

01:58:33.000 And Joey, this weekend, or this Tuesday, we'll be at...

01:58:37.000 At the Bitter End in New York City, and then Thursday through Saturday at the Comedy Club in Webster, motherfucking New York.

01:58:43.000 Come on down, Buffalo, Syracuse, Rochester, and I'll see you fucking animals in New York City at 9 o'clock, ready to rock.

01:58:50.000 And this is on what street?

01:58:53.000 147 Bleecker Street.

01:58:54.000 147 Bleecker Street.

01:58:56.000 Okay, so that is Tuesday.

01:58:58.000 Tuesday, the 22nd.

01:58:59.000 And then you're going to be in Rochester that weekend?

01:59:01.000 Yeah, and the following weekend, you were in Portland, Oregon.

01:59:03.000 But bam, bitches! 1.00

01:59:04.000 Bam, bitches! 1.00

01:59:05.000 That's it, and we'll see you guys next Tuesday.

01:59:07.000 We'll have another podcast.

01:59:08.000 I don't know who's going to be on it, because...

01:59:10.000 We're unorganized as fuck.

01:59:11.000 And that's how we roll.

01:59:13.000 Please follow Redman because he's very, very upset that he doesn't have very many followers on Twitter.

01:59:18.000 Listen to the new podcast with Jaden Cole.

01:59:22.000 It's awesome.

01:59:22.000 Your new podcast?

01:59:23.000 Is that what you're saying?

01:59:24.000 Are you telling me or the people at home?

01:59:25.000 Me too?

01:59:26.000 I don't have time.

01:59:27.000 I don't have the time.

01:59:28.000 Listen to your goddamn podcast.

01:59:29.000 You gotta listen to this girl. 0.94

01:59:30.000 You'll fall in love with her.

01:59:32.000 I probably won't.

01:59:33.000 I bet I won't.

01:59:34.000 How about that?

01:59:35.000 I love you, Red Band.

01:59:36.000 Tonight, Sal's Comedy Club.

01:59:38.000 Yeah, Sal's Comedy Club sold out.

01:59:39.000 You coming in tonight?

01:59:40.000 No.

01:59:41.000 I'm leaving for Anaheim.

01:59:42.000 Come on, dawg.

01:59:43.000 Come on, dawg.

01:59:44.000 Maybe on the way back.

01:59:45.000 On the way back, dawg.

01:59:46.000 Come on.

01:59:47.000 Go on after me, man.

01:59:48.000 Yeah, please.

01:59:49.000 We got a goddamn party at that place. 0.98

01:59:51.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight.

01:59:53.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight if you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link for The Fleshlight.

01:59:56.000 Put in the code name Rogan and you get 15% off.

02:00:00.000 Red Band is on Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N. And Joey Diaz is Mad Flavor.

02:00:05.000 One word, Mad Flavor.

02:00:06.000 Love you bitches. 1.00

02:00:07.000 With a Facebook, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

02:00:10.000 Make dits in your ass. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 16, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #90 - Joey Diaz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript